# My FA husband...



## jmccray789 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi everybody. I'm a newbie here, and facing a very difficult situation that I'd like your informed opinions on. Some background:

I'm 26 and have struggled with my weight throughout my life. I've always been chubby, but when I hit college, big took a turn for the bigger. I am 5'7, and at my highest weight I was 250 lbs. After college I became increasingly unhappy with my size and decided to drop the weight. I lost about 125 lbs. Unable to maintain, I promptly gained back 45. I'm now at 170 lbs and chubby once more, but am reaching that point where I'm feeling unhappy and like I want to lose at least some of the weight again.

Enter my husband. We've been together for over 10 years, and he's seen me at all weights. He fell in love with me before I gained dramatically (back when I was just chubby). However, as I began losing weight the first time around, we began having serious problems when my husband revealed to me that he is a FA, and that it was adamantly important to him that I remain large. I did, and do, respect his attraction to large women, and understand that this is a very legitimate desire for him. However, I couldn't help feeling manipulated by his pleas that I change my body to better suit his needs, especially when I wasn't happy in the body he wanted me to have. This issue drove us apart for several months as I continued to lose weight against his wishes, but we found our way back to each other because we love each other very much in spite of what I'm afraid may be an irreconcileable difference. 

He was thrilled when I gained back the 45 pounds and counting, and I was and am miserable. Now that he sees me making an effort to lose weight again, we're right back to square one and fighting constantly about this issue. He feels that I don't care whether he's attracted to me or not. I DO care -- I just don't think I can do what he needs me to do. I love him and I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy, too.

This might be a ridiculous question, but is there any hope to be had in this situation? Or should we go where I'm afraid we're heading, and separate over it? This is the only problem we've ever had in the entire course of our otherwise beautiful 11-year-relationship.


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## Wagimawr (Feb 5, 2010)

If something as obviously none of his business as your weight is giving him cause to create problems, who knows what else he has "put up" with in the past?

The options are clear; maintain the size he wishes you to and hate it, maintain the size he wishes you to and learn to love it, or do what you would prefer to do and then he can either get over it or not. It is, believe it or not, entirely possible that his love for you is based on sexual attraction.

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems.


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## jmccray789 (Feb 6, 2010)

hilarious postscript:

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25068&highlight=cliffjeff

That post was written by my then-fiance, now-husband, 3 years ago, and the woman he's talking about was/is me. Wow.

Will it shock anybody to learn that the problem didn't go away? If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them.


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## kayrae (Feb 6, 2010)

Marriage counseling maybe?


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## bigjayne66 (Feb 6, 2010)

Please try and let him teach you how to love yourself,do not dwell on the percieved negatives of being big,anyway 170lbs is just plumper size and if you maintained at that ,you are meeting him half way,I was 140lbs when I met my husband and gained to 210 over 5 years or so,he was not an FA but there were certainly no complaints as we had a happy marriage,only his passing parted us ,then I took to comfort eating ,now I am over 400lbs still like myself though


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## Lamia (Feb 6, 2010)

This is no different than a man wanting to keep his woman thin and distressing her about gaining weight. It's not ok either way. If you aren't comfortable with your weight and worried about your health you have to take care of yourself first.


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## mossystate (Feb 6, 2010)

jmccray789 said:


> hilarious postscript:
> 
> http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25068&highlight=cliffjeff
> 
> ...



Hey, if nothing else, it seems you and your husband have the same writing style! Seems you are a match on that level.


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 6, 2010)

jmccray789 said:


> I just don't think I can do what he *needs* me to do.



I seriously doubt that he NEEDS this. If he's made it a deal breaker in this relationship, he may have you convinced that he needs it, but it's a desire, plain and simple.


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 6, 2010)

125 pounds at 5'7 is just...positively...too skinny...for someone who has problems with weight...sorry..but it is. Really. No wonder you couldn't maintain it. You wouldn't need to lose much to even be in the normal BMI range. What exactly is your aim? ANTM?


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## jmccray789 (Feb 6, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> 125 pounds at 5'7 is just...positively...too skinny...for someone who has problems with weight...sorry..but it is. Really. No wonder you couldn't maintain it. You wouldn't need to lose much to even be in the normal BMI range. What exactly is your aim? ANTM?



When I started losing weight, my sole intention was to get into a normal BMI range. Then, admittedly, it became a bit of an obsession. I didn't stop losing when I hit my original goal of 150, and I agree with you that 125 was definitely not a maintainable weight for me. At this point, I don't really care how much I weigh anymore, as long as I _feel_ physically and emotionally good about it.

In his first post, my husband indicated that he thought my motives for losing weight revolved around my mother poisoning me emotionally about my looks. That wasn't the case. Oh, it's true that she continues to make me feel awful about myself every time we talk, which isn't okay at all. The main reason I started losing, though, was that I had gotten to a point where I was having trouble physically functioning in a lot of areas -- everything from taking out the trash to having sex -- and it was wreaking emotional havoc on me. The pressure from my family was just icing on the world's lousiest cake. I was upset that my husband didn't see this or support me in wanting to lead a more active lifestyle.


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## tinkerbell (Feb 6, 2010)

Lamia said:


> This is no different than a man wanting to keep his woman thin and distressing her about gaining weight. It's not ok either way. If you aren't comfortable with your weight and worried about your health you have to take care of yourself first.



This exactly.

I could not be with a person who is only attracted to me at a certain weight. Skinny or fat.

I'm thankful that my husband has found me attractive at my highest, lowest and everywhere in between. And supports me in where ever I want to be. My body is not what it was when we met and I was 17. Even as I lose weight and get back to that weight, its not going to look the same. But he loves ME. And finds ME sexy. When we met, I was probably at his "ideal" size. A size 14ish. And I gained over 120 lbs and was up to a size 26 in the 11 years that we met. When I was at my highest, I wasn't his "ideal" but he never ONCE made me feel that way. He still found me sexy, still beautiful, never once told me I needed to lose weight. And I've recently asked him that what if I decide to be what he thinks of as "skinny" in this WL journey I'm on - and he just said, then you'll be skinny. You'll still be you, and I'm attracted to and love YOU! 

To me, its not a relationship I'd want to be in. People's bodies will change over time - its just life. You cant expect a person to stay exactly the same forever. When you love someone, you should be attracted to the PERSON as a whole, not JUST the body. 

And FYI, 125 at 5'7" isn't that horribly thin. Its not something that I think MY body can maintain (I'm 5'7" too) but everyone is different. Everyone's body frame is different, and there are plenty of people who can maintain that weight, and do it in a healthy manner. And I dont think its fair to ridicule her and her choices. She may find that 125 really ISN'T a weight she can maintain, but you dont have to be rude about it.


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## goofy girl (Feb 6, 2010)

The issue isn't that he's an FA, it's that he's a control freak which is something completely different.


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## Carrie (Feb 6, 2010)

goofy girl said:


> The issue isn't that he's an FA, it's that he's a control freak which is something completely different.


Bingo. I don't see this as being any different than a non-FA who married a thin woman and became unhappy as she put on weight over the years. It might be a control issue, or it might just be someone who entered marriage with an unrealistic explanation that his partner would not change physically. Time passes, bodies change for various reasons, and I think you just have to decide for yourself whether it's something you're okay with or not. Hopefully it's the former, but if not, remember as you seek greener pastures that there are still not guarantees that a fatter or thinner partner will remain that way! 

The bottom line is, while most of us probably have preferences for our partner's bodies, the partner is the person who owns that body and has to live in it, so what the partner wants for him/herself pretty much trumps everything. I mean, OP: what's a better situation for you and your relationship, being with a thinner version of your wife who, per her own words, feels more comfortable mentally, physically and emotionally thin, or being with a fatter version of her who feels bad in her own skin? Only you can decide that.


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## Melian (Feb 6, 2010)

jmccray789 said:


> At this point, I don't really care how much I weigh anymore, as long as I _feel_ physically and emotionally good about it.



If you want to preserve the marriage (which you may or may not), perhaps you could compromise. Find a weight at which you feel good, physically, but still remain attractive to your husband.

My marriage runs on a similar compromise: I like being very thin, and my husband only likes thin women, so no problem there, but while I love very fat men, he would prefer to be lean and toned, in an ideal scenario. Realistically, he can't maintain that body type without A LOT of work, and naturally settles at a size that is slightly "overweight." It's thin enough for him, and fat enough for me.

I hope you can resolve things!


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## AnnMarie (Feb 6, 2010)

If we take both posts at face value and legit, then this is a problem that isn't going away. Whatever side you choose to "champion" there's a fundamental disconnect between their wants for their lives and since neither seems to be willing or able to leave that want behind for the other, then I think the answer here is fairly clear. 


It's over. Seems like the time between the posts was just prolonging the inevitable.


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## joswitch (Feb 6, 2010)

11years of fighting each other over this is enough, surely? He can't stop being FA (despite the PC chanting in this thread)... And it would seem very unlikely that your deep seated misery/self hatred for "fat you" is going to go away either... Divorce, and maybe you can both find someone else to be happy with.. Stay together and guarantee more of the same misery...


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## MissToodles (Feb 6, 2010)

maybe the difficulties go a bit deeper than just body size. if .you both been together since your adolescence, people do and should change and evolve. it's not unusual to grow apart. only you and your husband both know what's best


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## Carrie (Feb 6, 2010)

joswitch said:


> 11years of fighting each other over this is enough, surely? He can't stop being FA (despite the PC chanting in this thread)... And it would seem very unlikely that your deep seated misery/self hatred for "fat you" is going to go away either... Divorce, and maybe you can both find someone else to be happy with.. Stay together and guarantee more of the same misery...


Just curious, Jo, what do you consider pc chanting in the responses here?


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 6, 2010)

joswitch said:


> 11years of fighting each other over this is enough, surely? He can't stop being FA (despite the PC chanting in this thread)... And it would seem very unlikely that your deep seated misery/self hatred for "fat you" is going to go away either... Divorce, and maybe you can both find someone else to be happy with.. Stay together and guarantee more of the same misery...



I'm not PC. My being a FA has absolutely NOTHING to do with any relationships beyone my initial physical attraction.

See, to me, relationships are about connecting not only physically, but on a more intimate level. For me, the FA shit goes out the window once that connection is made. At that point, and I've been there before in my life, I not only don't care what the person I'm with does with their body, I SUPPORT them in whatever they do.

I've said this here time and time again over the past 12+ years I've been hanging around this forum. That ain't PC, that is emotion. And there's nothing PC about loving your wife, fiance', girlfriend, or friend beyond what some FA's dick might like or dislike.


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 6, 2010)

tinkerbell said:


> And FYI, 125 at 5'7" isn't that horribly thin. Its not something that I think MY body can maintain (I'm 5'7" too) but everyone is different. Everyone's body frame is different, and there are plenty of people who can maintain that weight, and do it in a healthy manner. And I dont think its fair to ridicule her and her choices. She may find that 125 really ISN'T a weight she can maintain, but you dont have to be rude about it.



I'm 5'8 and 125 on me would be absolutely emaciated. When I went into Jenny Craig, they said, "don't get any crazy too skinny goals like 120 pounds or anything." Just saying.


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## James (Feb 6, 2010)

Whilst I raise an eyebrow to much of what the OP describes from her husband's behavior, the core issue that resides under the misplaced notions of control and ownership referenced above, is there for many FAs. This core issue is how to deal with one's partner becoming asexual, in physical terms, once they have lost weight. I believe that no FA/FFA should stand against their partners wishes for their own body but even when this is stated very clearly in a relationship, the very fact that the FA/FFA *is *an FA/FFA can be like a latent statement to the contrary. 

If a partner were to need to change their gender for their own valid reasons, this would be devastating to many relationships. I feel quite strongly that there is a similar thing to be said about a partner's significant weight loss to an FA/FFA. Love can remain and love can be powerful enough to overcome... but its not an easy ask for most. In both cases, the right to change remains with the individual that needs/wants to change but the honest truth is that a partner may leave because they are not able to overcome the way that change effects the relationship dynamic. Like many FAs, I've been in a relationship like this and while I felt happiness for my ex that her weight loss led her to her finally being made partner at the law firm she worked at (something that she had been explicitly told would not happen if she stayed fat), I could not deny my truth that she was not physically attractive to me as a thin woman. Sometimes I think that this kind of dynamic is the worst part of being an FA because there is no universally 'good' choice and often the only way things can go is to part ways.


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 7, 2010)

James said:


> Whilst I raise an eyebrow to much of what the OP describes from her husband's behavior, the core issue that resides under the misplaced notions of control and ownership referenced above, is there for many FAs. This core issue is how to deal with one's partner becoming asexual, in physical terms, once they have lost weight. I believe that no FA/FFA should stand against their partners wishes for their own body but even when this is stated very clearly in a relationship, the very fact that the FA/FFA *is *an FA/FFA can be like a latent statement to the contrary.
> 
> If a partner were to need to change their gender for their own valid reasons, this would be devastating to many relationships. I feel quite strongly that there is a similar thing to be said about a partner's significant weight loss to an FA/FFA. Love can remain and love can be powerful enough to overcome... but its not an easy ask for most. In both cases, the right to change remains with the individual that needs/wants to change but the honest truth is that a partner may leave because they are not able to overcome the way that change effects the relationship dynamic. Like many FAs, I've been in a relationship like this and while I felt happiness for my ex that her weight loss led her to her finally being made partner at the law firm she worked at (something that she had been explicitly told would not happen if she stayed fat), I could not deny my truth that she was not physically attractive to me as a thin woman. Sometimes I think that this kind of dynamic is the worst part of being an FA because there is no universally 'good' choice and often the only way things can go is to part ways.



My friend, I SO DISAGREEE with some of what you say.

First, I don't think that there's ANY misplaced notion of control and ownership. To me, it's right there, in plain sight. You're a young guy, your looks are young. As you age, your body and face will change (even Dick Clark finally aged). What I know from experience, is that as you go through those changes, if you are in a loving relationship, your woman will not view you as asexual in physical terms. Women love, plain and simple. I think that they deserve the same back from me, as they change, whether that change is natural, or initiated by them. To force a women to meet one's sexual desire (again, I emphasize that there is no need here, as discussed in a previous post), just smacks of some sort of control, as if to say, well, sure I "love" you, but now that the physical part will be gone.............To me, it's like putting a gun to a woman's head, and I can't speak for any other FA here but me, but I just can't do that shit.

Please explain to me what you mean in the analogy between a woman losing weight, and changing gender. Based on your logic, if I'm reading you correctly, it would be "better" for a guy to leave a woman who had lost her breasts to cancer, simply because the physical dynamic in the relationship has changed.

Maybe I'm lucky that my parents raised me the way they did. They modeled love over the years to me, and supported each other through all of the physical and emotional changes they went through their 38 years of marriage, until my mother's death. I'm going to keep saying this until someone tells me to shut the hell up, but when love enters the picture, all the BBW/FA shit goes out the window. I've supported both weight gain and weight loss in many of my relationships, and in *every* case, it was not about my "personal desires" but the aspirations of the person that I cared for.

That dynamic that you refer to, James, to me, seems one sided, and for a lot of women, may seem selfish. I've been fortunate enough to never have a woman tell me that any changes to my physical self has had an adverse effect to the dynamic of our relationship. Maybe when that finally happens, I'll say that women are guilty of the same selfish crap that men dole out, but until then, I think the women in my life deserve better.


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## jmccray789 (Feb 7, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> To force a women to meet one's sexual desire (again, I emphasize that there is no need here, as discussed in a previous post), just smacks of some sort of control, as if to say, well, sure I "love" you, but now that the physical part will be gone.............To me, it's like putting a gun to a woman's head, and I can't speak for any other FA here but me, but I just can't do that shit.



That's exactly what this feels like; a gun to my head. It makes me feel trapped and like I only exist to be pleasant for somebody else to look at.

What makes the situation so awful, though, is that there are two sides to the coin, and a lot of what James addresses is true. Sex is not the only part of a relationship, but it is important, and FAs can't help what they like. I want to believe that my husband is capable of getting past this because he loves me for deeper reasons than my weight, but there will always be something missing for him. I guess it boils down to a choice between being with a person you love but aren't attracted to, or getting out of the relationship to try your luck at finding someone else you can have the whole shebang with. After 11 years with somebody, it's a pretty bleak concept to think about trying to recreate emotional intimacy with someone else. 

Men and women are different, and it makes me sad. I would still want to be with my husband if he sprouted extra limbs and a giant goiter, and I believe I would still want to be physically intimate with him because I love him. It hurts that the feeling isn't mutual.


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## joswitch (Feb 7, 2010)

@Carrie - see Wagimamr's first paragraph and Wrestlinguy's posts... @Wrestlinguy - well congrats to you on not needing the physical aspect of desire in your sexual relationships... That doesn't make you better than other FAs like me or James who do need that... You're just lucky! ... Yes, I can have a loving friendship with a gf who's lost weight beyond recognition (happened) but that's not a relationship of lovers... Unlike the husband of the OP I chose the "let's try and be happy apart" option... Which is at least fair, honest and not manipulative...


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 7, 2010)

joswitch said:


> @Carrie - see Wagimamr's first paragraph and Wrestlinguy's posts... @Wrestlinguy - well congrats to you on not needing the physical aspect of desire in your sexual relationships... That doesn't make you better than other FAs like me or James who do need that... You're just lucky! ... Yes, I can have a loving friendship with a gf who's lost weight beyond recognition (happened) but that's not a relationship of lovers... Unlike the husband of the OP I chose the "let's try and be happy apart" option... Which is at least fair, honest and not manipulative...



First, I never said I was better than anyone. I'd like to say I'm not different than most other FA's, or guys in general, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Second, in none of this did I say that I didn't need the physical aspect of desire in my sexual relationships. All I've said is that love transcends most of that, and takes the relationship to a different level. When I first married my second wife, one of my statements to her was that her ass got her to me, but who she is is what keeps her with me.

My first wife, when we separated, told me I was no longer attractive to her. I spent hours looking at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out what the hell happened. I looked essentially the same as I did 13 years ago when we had met, so I couldn't fathom what changed. After some discussion, it finally hit me that it wasn't my physical attributes that had changed, it was her perception of ME as the person she used to love that went south. I did and said things over the course of time that caused her to fall out of love with me, hence I was no longer attractive to her.

Perhaps you're right, maybe I am just lucky.


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## tinkerbell (Feb 7, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> I'm not PC. My being a FA has absolutely NOTHING to do with any relationships beyone my initial physical attraction.
> 
> See, to me, relationships are about connecting not only physically, but on a more intimate level. For me, the FA shit goes out the window once that connection is made. At that point, and I've been there before in my life, I not only don't care what the person I'm with does with their body, I SUPPORT them in whatever they do.
> 
> I've said this here time and time again over the past 12+ years I've been hanging around this forum. That ain't PC, that is emotion. And there's nothing PC about loving your wife, fiance', girlfriend, or friend beyond what some FA's dick might like or dislike.






wrestlingguy said:


> My friend, I SO DISAGREEE with some of what you say.
> 
> First, I don't think that there's ANY misplaced notion of control and ownership. To me, it's right there, in plain sight. You're a young guy, your looks are young. As you age, your body and face will change (even Dick Clark finally aged). What I know from experience, is that as you go through those changes, if you are in a loving relationship, your woman will not view you as asexual in physical terms. Women love, plain and simple. I think that they deserve the same back from me, as they change, whether that change is natural, or initiated by them. To force a women to meet one's sexual desire (again, I emphasize that there is no need here, as discussed in a previous post), just smacks of some sort of control, as if to say, well, sure I "love" you, but now that the physical part will be gone.............To me, it's like putting a gun to a woman's head, and I can't speak for any other FA here but me, but I just can't do that shit.
> 
> ...



Both posts are excellent!! I'm just so so so so glad I met the man that I did. I dont have to fear that my losing or gaining weight will turn him off. I cant wrap my head around that mentality, and I'm just glad I dont have to. People are going to change as they grow old. I dont have the same body as I did at 17, and when I'm 70, I'm not going to look like I do now. When you love someone, and you marry them, and promise to grow old with them, you have to realize that the physical part is going to change. Its a part of life. No one is going to look the same over time. 




Famouslastwords said:


> I'm 5'8 and 125 on me would be absolutely emaciated. When I went into Jenny Craig, they said, "don't get any crazy too skinny goals like 120 pounds or anything." Just saying.



Everyone is different. I too would not be able to maintain a 125 lbs on my frame. I would probably look sickly. But I can think of at least 3 people in my life that are all over 5'7" who weigh around 125, and do not look deathly ill or anything. Everyone is different.


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## AnnMarie (Feb 7, 2010)

jmccray789 said:


> Men and women are different, and it makes me sad. I would still want to be with my husband if he sprouted extra limbs and a giant goiter, and I believe I would still want to be physically intimate with him because I love him. It hurts that the feeling isn't mutual.




I don't think it's about men/women - it's just about how different people think different things about our relationships. I hate those gender assignments and they often leave men in the "you're shallow" category - patently unfair. 

I feel the same way, exactly, that James laid out. (Hey, ditto, James.)

I don't think that attraction, in a loving relationship, is extremely fragile or that easily fractured. It's not about a few pounds or a mole or some other nonsense - but it is about foundational changes. Attraction is tied to the physical and emotional, and often the changes that accompany HUGE physical changes (be that weight gain/loss/disability/whatever) will change people and relationship dynamics. 

Once attraction is altered, for whatever reason - and I believe major physical changes fall right in there - it is LIKELY to change a relationship forever. Some people will get through and make adjustments - maybe they'll open it physically to find that other piece they both want/need, or maybe they'll just accept that although no longer attracted, the love is stronger and we'll figure out a way to work around the sex life that is now "different" in some way. 

But some people don't want that - and that's perfectly fine and within their right. If I wasn't single, and ended up losing weight to a point where I was no longer attractive to my partner, I would NOT want to be with them. I want to feel desired and loved in all ways. I want to know when they're touching me that I feel wonderful to them, that visually I'm hitting those sensors for them. And I want that when I'm with them as well. It's not about perfection or hitting some ideal, it's about satisfying those pieces we find pleasure in, in the purely physical/psycho-sexual sense. 

Not everyone will feel that way, and it's fine, but it's not wrong to feel that strongly about your sex life and how you want to feel about your partner and how you want your partner to feel about you. It's perfectly ok to your sex life to matter on a high level, just like all the other things you share. It's not the most important, by far, but it does matter and there's no shame in acknowledging that it's part of the relationship.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 7, 2010)

if i was your husband i'd be in agony. obviously you're in agony too.

but a lot of women would be very thankful for what you have - a man who loves your body when you're NOT struggling to be something else and not only that, _doesn't want you to gain more_ - and if you can't be happy with that, i don't see why you shouldn't find someone who loves you thin and slim down for yourself and them. and i don't see why he shouldn't find someone who wants to stay big.

if that's too much to bear and you don't want to split up, i'd seriously consider an open marriage. i think knowingly making yourself sexually unattractive to the person who loves you is grounds for that.

if these seem like harsh solutions for someone who "hasn't had another problem" in 11 years of marriage, well maybe accepting your physical self as you are seems less harsh by comparison. even if you can't just blink and do that, you wouldn't be the first person to acknowledge that you want to love your body and need time to do that. but it seems to me that you're just torturing yourself (especially if like your husband claims, your family are incredibly shallow and have had tons of plastic surgery - which i would disagree with him as being "mainstream" because that's really not normal at all).

i definitely support your decision to lose weight if that's what would bring you the most happiness in life. but i always question the people who don't care if their significant other is physically attracted to them or not. there are major exceptions - losing a breast from cancer, or chemo for that matter, gaining/losing weight due to health issues, actually anything at all due to health issues - but not loving your body is a lame one. seek help in doing that if you need to. or plastic surgery if the shoe fits. i'm not entirely convinced you made a good faith effort to try and see what he sees. seems like a waste.

you're only 26. i see no reason for you and your husband to live the rest of your lives on an endless loop of only one of you being happy physically in this marriage.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 7, 2010)

also, i call TOTAL BULLSHIT on "i'd be happy with my husband if he sprouted a goiter" etc. maybe you would, but you couldn't live with yourself if YOU sprouted a goiter? because that's basically what happening here. HE'S accepted you as you are. maybe not as you want to be, but he married you for who you are.

i really am sympathetic but don't be the "i'd do anything for him but BE MYSELF" lady.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 7, 2010)

and i take serious umbrage to invoking "controlling fas/ffas" in this instance (or when tina accused her husband in his original thread). they exist, don't marry them. it's not "controlling" to request that your partner doesn't go out of their way to make themselves unattractive to you.

asking them to gain: yes, asking too much.

asking them to lose: yes, asking too much.

asking them to do their best to stay as attractive to you as they always have: exactly what constitutes a successful and healthy marriage.

i know a lady who bangs a guy in a now-open marriage because his wife lost a ton of weight even though he loved her fat. if that situation appeals to you, lose the weight and stay married.


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## name2come (Feb 7, 2010)

You should both seriously think about a divorce. That's the hard truth.

I have little sympathy for your husband. He knew what he wanted but didn't articulate it to you, so he's got no one to blame for this. He wanted a relationship with someone who was fat and had a healthy relationship with their body. Problem is, he didn't look for the first part. He just looked for someone fat. Or by both of your estimations, someone not even as fat as he wanted. He was expecting magic. A lot of FAs think they just need to say a woman is hot and she'll magically love her body and gain weight for him. Doesn't work like that. They think just looking for the body is enough. They don't get that what they should be looking for is more than that. But that's his fault.

I don't think what you're doing to your body is good for you. If you were someone I loved, I wouldn't stand by and support repeated cycles of yo-yo dieting and the damage they are going to do to you. There is nothing wrong with withholding support for something you think is harmful. But again, your husband doesn't bother to think of it like that. He's just concerned with your physical appearance. That's rather limited thinking on his part, but its about all most FA's are ever challenged to think about, so I'm not surprised. But remember that this is a personal decision. This isn't something that happened to you that your husband can't deal with. Its different if someone gets sick and their body changes. Its different if someone's metabolism changes overtime and they can no longer maintain a weight that might be lower than their natural set-up. Those are situations where sucking it up probably is a reasonable thing to ask of a partner. But that's not what you're talking about. You're talking about trying to manipulate youd body into something your husband won't be attracted to. 

Bottom line, though, is that you both want different things. No issue of judgment on what either of you want. Neither is empirically right or wrong. He should have expressed his desires LONG before he did, but what's done is done and you both know now where you stand. Neither of you will be happy going forward. This isn't something to fix by insisting either of you give up your own desires. That won't work and 3 years from now, one of you will be back here whining about the other again. He thought you'd magically just be okay with being fat. That was wrong. But its not going to help to magically think his sexuality doesn't matter. He should just learn to express it in a more productive manner and learn to understand people at all. He can't just expect people will magically be what he wants. But if you expect magic from him, that's a mistake, too. Its been a while since he told you how he felt now. Doesn't sound like he's magically changed, either.


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## Saoirse (Feb 8, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> also, i call TOTAL BULLSHIT on "i'd be happy with my husband if he sprouted a goiter" etc. maybe you would, but you couldn't live with yourself if YOU sprouted a goiter? because that's basically what happening here. HE'S accepted you as you are. maybe not as you want to be, but he married you for who you are.
> 
> i really am sympathetic but don't be the "i'd do anything for him but BE MYSELF" lady.



he's accepted the fat. thats about it.


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## Tad (Feb 8, 2010)

No answers, but some thoughts and questions that occurred to me while reading this. (questions are for you to think about, not things to answer here.....well, unless you want to, but they are not meant that way).

- For some portion of FAs the attraction to fat is not strictly physical. Sure the physical is part of it, but they (we I should say, I know this is true of me) tend to associate other things with people who are chubby or fat versus those who are not, and often times have other associations with diets or fighting to keep one's weight down. The best way to explain this may be by comparison, imagine if you were attracted to a very corporate, clean-cut, look, and your partner decided to grow out his hair, wear a few day's stubble, and started sporting biker gear. The difference would be not just how he looks, but what his looks say about him. Obviously fashion choices are a lot more fluid and have less implications than weight changes, but it can feel similar.

- Time, and eventual moderating of testosterone levels, are apt to help him cope with changes. For me, in my twenties, sex drive was powerful enough to make me pretty stupid sometimes. It has gotten easier to be sane over time.

- To my mind it is your body, so you have, absolutely and without question, the only right to decide what is happening with it. Don't ever feel otherwise. It is then essentially up to him to deal with his feelings about it.

- At 170 pounds, what is it that bothers you mostly? That is surely not big enough to get in the way of anything but the most demanding of physical activities, but then again I don't know what sort of activities you like.

- How important to you is your sex life? (no, I don't expect you to answer that here!). If you two stay together but your sex life has its intensity taken down a few notches, could you accept that? (the other question, of course, is: could he?)

- Can you live happily knowing that he'd think you'd look better if you were fatter, even if he never says anything about it? I think for some people it would be not a big deal, while for others it would be totally devastating (neither one is right, just differences in how we are made).

- Have you looked into changing other aspects of your lifestyle beyond weight per se? That is, for a given weight your energy, wind, endurance, flexibility, and general well-being can change a lot with how much and what kind of exercise you are getting and how you eat. Depending on how much of your issues with your size are due to how you are physically feeling, _maybe_ these could be reduced through non-weight-loss lifestyle changes. 

- How important to you is how other's look at you? This is another one of those things that varies a lot between people. And how important is that versus how your husband looks at you? 

- A lot of FA hit dating age thinking that the only reason a woman would care about her weight is because she thinks she needs to be thin to catch a guy, and don't understand why she'd continue to worry about it once she knows he likes her fat. But of course it really DOES matter what other people think, as well as how we feel, and lots of other factors. So the question is, has your husband _really_ accepted that it is entirely legitimate that you have plenty of reasons for watching your weight beyond what he thinks?

- what are your top reasons for wanting to lose weight....just inside your own head, and be brutally honest with yourself. For most of us, some of our reasons for a lot of things are usually less than entirely admirable, but it is important to admit to ourselves at least what they all are.

- How compatible are your general views of what you want your future life to be like? Just by way of example, does his preference for you being fat tie into a vision of living in a suburban bungalow with Saturday nights being time to power up the gas barbecue for a big pile of burgers while you watch a video, while your preference for being a lot thinner tie into a vision of you two living in the city, walking everywhere, and taking regular trips to go hiking, skiing, and sailing?

- How size accepting are you? If you meet a new neighbor or co-worker and they are the size that you were at your largest, does it affect how you feel about them? For that matter, if your husband got up to that size would it change how you felt about him?

- Somewhat related to the above, aside from your various reasons for wanting to lose weight, how do you feel about being chubby? Could you realistically 'talk fat' to play up whatever chub you end up keeping? Or would that just be revolting and/or creepy?

- What were you hoping to get out of posting your situation here? Ideas, validation, clever ways to compromise?

I don't know if any of that will be of any use to you, but I do hope that you both manage to find some good way forward, whatever it may be.

Regards;

-Tad


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## exile in thighville (Feb 8, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> he's accepted the fat. thats about it.



go back and read his post and say that with a straight face.


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## Wagimawr (Feb 8, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Wagimamr's first paragraph


'scuse me what?


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## Saoirse (Feb 8, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> go back and read his post and say that with a straight face.



are you sure i said it with a straight face the first time?


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## exile in thighville (Feb 8, 2010)

i think you said it with an oblique avatar


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## Tau (Feb 8, 2010)

name2come said:


> You should both seriously think about a divorce. That's the hard truth.
> 
> I have little sympathy for your husband. He knew what he wanted but didn't articulate it to you, so he's got no one to blame for this. He wanted a relationship with someone who was fat and had a healthy relationship with their body. Problem is, he didn't look for the first part. He just looked for someone fat. Or by both of your estimations, someone not even as fat as he wanted. He was expecting magic. A lot of FAs think they just need to say a woman is hot and she'll magically love her body and gain weight for him. Doesn't work like that. They think just looking for the body is enough. They don't get that what they should be looking for is more than that. But that's his fault.
> 
> ...



Can i please marry you and have your children? :wubu:


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## missy_blue_eyez (Feb 8, 2010)

name2come said:


> You should both seriously think about a divorce. That's the hard truth.
> 
> I have little sympathy for your husband. He knew what he wanted but didn't articulate it to you, so he's got no one to blame for this. He wanted a relationship with someone who was fat and had a healthy relationship with their body. Problem is, he didn't look for the first part. He just looked for someone fat. Or by both of your estimations, someone not even as fat as he wanted. He was expecting magic. A lot of FAs think they just need to say a woman is hot and she'll magically love her body and gain weight for him. Doesn't work like that. They think just looking for the body is enough. They don't get that what they should be looking for is more than that. But that's his fault.
> 
> ...


What they said..........

You both want different things, and both expect the other to accept and just deal with that want. You are absolutely entitled to want to be a thin person, its your body, and thats your want and need, but remember that in that frame, he is entitled to his sexuality, thats his body and his want and need. I agree, that emotional connections are terribly important, to have that level with someone is amazing, but I think we live in a fantasy world sometimes as human beings and try and down play the importance of sex.


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## Saoirse (Feb 8, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> i think you said it with an oblique avatar



that's against my religious beliefs.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 8, 2010)

joswitch said:


> @Carrie - see Wagimamr's first paragraph and Wrestlinguy's posts... @Wrestlinguy - well congrats to you on not needing the physical aspect of desire in your sexual relationships... That doesn't make you better than other FAs like me or James who do need that... You're just lucky! ... Yes, I can have a loving friendship with a gf who's lost weight beyond recognition (happened) but that's not a relationship of lovers... Unlike the husband of the OP I chose the "let's try and be happy apart" option... Which is at least fair, honest and not manipulative...



What exactly do you mean by "PC"? Politically correct? 
I'm not sure what to make of it all other than you might be thinking he said it just to appease others? That he could not POSSIBLY be stating his REAL opinion? 

Wagimawr aka Jason is quite capable of explaining himself. However, I feel the need to tell you something about him. 
I know Jason in reality.....he's not like that. He's never minded stating his mind here or in other parts- even if it's not the most soothing/placating thing he could say. He does try to be kind and polite....but I never found him to be misleading or a liar....not in my own personal experience with him. 
Joswitch.....in your mind, does everybody that does not agree with you have something "wrong" with them? I'm asking out of curiosity....not to start an argument or "attack" you. Just want to know why you perceived things this way.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 8, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> My friend, I SO DISAGREEE with some of what you say.
> 
> First, I don't think that there's ANY misplaced notion of control and ownership. To me, it's right there, in plain sight. You're a young guy, your looks are young. As you age, your body and face will change (even Dick Clark finally aged). What I know from experience, is that as you go through those changes,* if you are in a loving relationship, your woman will not view you as asexual in physical terms.* Women love, plain and simple. * I think that they deserve the same back from me, as they change, whether that change is natural, or initiated by them. * To force a women to meet one's sexual desire (again, I emphasize that there is no need here, as discussed in a previous post), just smacks of some sort of control, as if to say, well, sure I "love" you, but now that the physical part will be gone.............To me, it's like putting a gun to a woman's head, and I can't speak for any other FA here but me, but I just can't do that shit.
> 
> ...



You are my fucking hero. JFX, so nice to read or hear when a man gets it. :bow:

Thank you Phil.

No need for me to type out some of my own rather strong opinions now.....will just hope that what you said sinks in


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## James (Feb 8, 2010)

I don't think we're disagreeing really Phil. I said that people can look past change in a partner if the love is strong enough. 

Perhaps there is disagreement that physical attraction has a role in a relationship though? For instance, if I were to gain 100lbs and my partner was not an FA, I would find it reasonable that her physical attraction to me might diminish. She might still love me but if her libido dropped then I couldn't hold that against her. After all, if she met me at a lower weight, it would logically follow that the physical part to her attraction was based on the guy she met initially. 

In the example I referenced, the love was not strong enough. There were other issues that were discreet from appearance that undermined the relationship way before the weight loss. Some of those issues stemmed from me being an FA and how that made her feel. At any rate, I maintain that it was not wrong be honest about not being physically attracted to thin women just as I understood that my ex was not physically attracted to fat men. The fact that she had no intention of remaining fat was her prerogative. I should also add, this wasn't a case of losing some weight but still being fat. This was a case of weight loss to the point of being a weight watchers poster girl (literally). 

So my point about the comparison to gender change was really aimed at illustrating the way in which another's desire to make change for their emotional well being can sometimes effect the physical component to love. I used the example of change in gender because I imagine that for the majority, that would constitute a significant change to the physical and emotional dynamic of a relationship. To reiterate, my comparison is not towards weight loss in general, rather it is to the physical change of going from a fat person to a (by societal standards) thin person. Perhaps this example isn't in alignment with the OP or the original points raised but I think it does underscore a broader point of discussion.

Change, be it emotional, spiritual or physical always has the potential to throw up challenges in relationships if the change extends beyond the adaptive capacity of a partner. I think we choose partners on a range of criteria of compatibility in line with this. I will make no general apology for being an FA because it is immutable. I will not be able to change it about myself. I might be able to put it aside it in a situation where I was actually in love or if I was married with children... or if a wife were to fall ill etc etc. Naturally, aesthetics would take a back seat to responsibility. I think it would be terrible to be so selfish in such a situation. I'd still be an FA though.

Nevertheless, I guess the main point to my first post still stands and that in a situation where all the above things are not the case, going separate ways is usually the healthiest thing to do. There's my opinion, it certainly might be an unpopular one for some but I stand by it being decent advice.




wrestlingguy said:


> My friend, I SO DISAGREEE with some of what you say.
> 
> First, I don't think that there's ANY misplaced notion of control and ownership. To me, it's right there, in plain sight. You're a young guy, your looks are young. As you age, your body and face will change (even Dick Clark finally aged). What I know from experience, is that as you go through those changes, if you are in a loving relationship, your woman will not view you as asexual in physical terms. Women love, plain and simple. I think that they deserve the same back from me, as they change, whether that change is natural, or initiated by them. To force a women to meet one's sexual desire (again, I emphasize that there is no need here, as discussed in a previous post), just smacks of some sort of control, as if to say, well, sure I "love" you, but now that the physical part will be gone.............To me, it's like putting a gun to a woman's head, and I can't speak for any other FA here but me, but I just can't do that shit.
> 
> ...


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## liz (di-va) (Feb 8, 2010)

My opinion is that a good therapist would probably tell you that this conflict isn't about your body, and that when somebody says "this is the only issue we have," that's usually not true.

I _do_ think that the issue of attraction is a real one, and I _do_ think you may do whatever you want with your own body, but I also think placing the conflict all at the feet of FA-ness or unhappiness with your size, whatever it is, doesn't work. 

You are not going to solve this--whatever the issue is, your feelings or his or both--in the battleground of your body.

I would also repeat that it's not great for your health to keep gaining and losing weight, and the situation you are describing seems like it is going to encourage that further. I think it's probably a good thing to think in terms of stability as a baseline here.

Good luck hashing things out.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 8, 2010)

i hear both james and phil on very good, very strong points. but i don't think "true love" applies here just because they're married. these two people are fuckin' young.

while i'm a very optimistic 25 who's pretty sure i've struck jackpot early on, i do not see why a 26-year-old should cling to this clearly troubled relationship any longer when she has plenty ahead of her to discover and enjoy in life if she intends to lose weight, and if her highest was a relatively scant 250, she's always going to covet that possibility just over the hill. likewise, her husband should find a fatty he enjoys. i just feel that if they truly love each other they would agree to as mutually amicable a split as possible and remain in one another's lives but by no means be each others' be-all, end-all. this is nearly a no-win situation unless she gets over body issues that quite frankly, she doesn't have to deal with. she's determined to lose weight and be happy, and that would open up _more_, not _less_ possibilities for her with new men.


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## wrench13 (Feb 9, 2010)

My opinion after reading your posts:

Those who reccommend a therapist are right, this is not about your body - its about what you think your parents and family think about your body. Clearly folks who have had LOTS of plastic surgery are buying into a certain ethos. I would suggest MINIMAL contact with them for an extended period, and single and joint therapy for you and the hubby. Good luck!


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## bigsexy920 (Feb 9, 2010)

This it why I love you my friend !!!! you get it !!! 



wrestlingguy said:


> My friend, I SO DISAGREEE with some of what you say.
> 
> First, I don't think that there's ANY misplaced notion of control and ownership. To me, it's right there, in plain sight. You're a young guy, your looks are young. As you age, your body and face will change (even Dick Clark finally aged). What I know from experience, is that as you go through those changes, if you are in a loving relationship, your woman will not view you as asexual in physical terms. Women love, plain and simple. I think that they deserve the same back from me, as they change, whether that change is natural, or initiated by them. To force a women to meet one's sexual desire (again, I emphasize that there is no need here, as discussed in a previous post), just smacks of some sort of control, as if to say, well, sure I "love" you, but now that the physical part will be gone.............To me, it's like putting a gun to a woman's head, and I can't speak for any other FA here but me, but I just can't do that shit.
> 
> ...


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## SparkGirl (Feb 10, 2010)

_*I agree with everything Wrestlingguy has been saying. He gave the definition of a true, strong and loving relationship based solely on love, and not lust.

When people talk about not being physically attracted to their mates any longer, it was a relationship based on lust. I'm sorry, but that is not true love. True love will get you through anything, even a loss of looks. I remember once my ex told me that he thought I was pretty, but not beautiful. I remember being crushed. Not because he didn't think I was beautiful, but because I realized he didn't really love me. When you love someone, they become more and more attractive to you as the days go by and eventually as your love grows, they become the most attractive person possible. 

Don't get me wrong...I'm a firm believer in trying to keep up on your looks and trying to stay attractive to your mate. But when you lose your attraction to your mate because something physically has changed about them, that was a shallow love based on sex and lust, not real love.
*_


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## thechampofchamps (Feb 10, 2010)

So I guess alot think physical attraction doesn't matter anymore eh? I just don't get people sometimes. I love how everybody quickly goes to bashing the "FA" which is a stupid term btw he's just a dude that likes fat women why must he or any be branded by their physical attraction, we don't go around to men that like thin women and say hey your a TA! Sorry I digress, but anyways "controlling", "manipulative" are we being real right now? I thought this was a site to promote the Plus Size movent, is that done by verbaly destroying those who would like their partners to remain plus size? Look I understand what people are saying about love, but can we be real for once. We as humans don't go out and say hey I have had this urge to have sex since like 13, I think I wanna act on it let me go find an awesome personality so I can start.... Now before you judgemental morons can say it I will, UGGHHH ARE YOU SAYING LOVE IS JUST SEX, ARE YOU SAYING ALL LOVE IS JUST PHYSICAL ATTRACTION?! DERRRRR! No! What i'm saying is that yes Love is so many things, your partners spirit, soul, personality, taste in music, movies, food, and yes physical attraction. I mean people get real, we don't start a relationship with someone we don't find physicaly attractive, and we don't continue one just because we do. Look I have a Fiance and I love her personality and spirit to death, but I also love her big butt and belly, its what I like. Just like she likes dudes with big muscles, and that lift weights thats what I have. I would never call her shallow because she likes the way I look, and she would never make me feel bad about giving her a belly rub. Anyways I don't really know what else to say just tought I would give a small rant so someone could call me an idiot lol... I'll just say this though to the women real fast, Imagine YOU have a man that is the man of YOUR dreams PHYSICALY and that man just happens to also be the man you LOVE, now if that PHYSICAL part you love so much went away and YOU missed it and YOU wanted it back cause its what YOU like would you think it would be fair for men to call YOU shallow and controlling just because you want the ONE man that YOU see evryday and yes YOU have sex with, and that YOU found very attractive the he was to stay the way he was.....


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## Adrian (Feb 10, 2010)

'SparkGirl', true love is many different things to many different people. There is no one set of criteria that determines what's true love and what is not. I love BBWs and BBWs only! I am no different than many different men who love only thin women. The world is pretty tolerant of men who fall out of love with their wives because they gained significant amounts of weight.
By some people's definition I guess I don't have a true love for my wife although... 'we' have made our marriage work well for forty-four years and eight months and still going strong!
Again, true love is many different things to many different people.


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 11, 2010)

Adrian said:


> The world is pretty tolerant of men who fall out of love with their wives because they gained significant amounts of weight.



And they would be equally wrong sir, in my opinion.


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## Adrian (Feb 11, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> And they would be equally wrong sir, in my opinion.


And, each to their own!


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 11, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> So I guess alot think physical attraction doesn't matter anymore eh? I just don't get people sometimes. I love how everybody quickly goes to bashing the "FA" which is a stupid term btw he's just a dude that likes fat women why must he or any be branded by their physical attraction, we don't go around to men that like thin women and say hey your a TA! Sorry I digress, but anyways "controlling", "manipulative" are we being real right now? I thought this was a site to promote the Plus Size movent, is that done by verbaly destroying those who would like their partners to remain plus size? Look *I understand what people are saying about love, but can we be real for once.* We as humans don't go out and say hey I have had this urge to have sex since like 13, I think I wanna act on it let me go find an awesome personality so I can start.... Now before you *judgemental morons* can say it I will, UGGHHH ARE YOU SAYING LOVE IS JUST SEX, ARE YOU SAYING ALL LOVE IS JUST PHYSICAL ATTRACTION?! DERRRRR! No! What i'm saying is that yes Love is so many things, your partners spirit, soul, personality, taste in music, movies, food, and yes physical attraction. I mean people get real, we don't start a relationship with someone we don't find physicaly attractive, and we don't continue one just because we do. Look I have a Fiance and I love her personality and spirit to death, but I also love her big butt and belly, its what I like. Just like she likes dudes with big muscles, and that lift weights thats what I have.* I would never call her shallow because she likes the way I look, and she would never make me feel bad about giving her a belly rub.* Anyways I don't really know what else to say just tought I would give a small rant so someone could call me an idiot lol... I'll just say this though to the women real fast, Imagine *YOU* have a man that is the man of *YOUR* dreams PHYSICALY and that man just happens to also be the man you LOVE, now if that PHYSICAL part you love so much went away and *YOU* missed it and *YOU* wanted it back cause its what *YOU* like would you think it would be fair for men to call *YOU* shallow and controlling just because *you* want the ONE man that *YOU* see evryday and yes *YOU* have sex with, and that YOU found very attractive the he was to stay the way he was.....



I'll let your post speak for itself, since I don't want to be lumped in with the judgmental morons. Highlighted for emphasis. The analogy about *YOU*, to the ladies, seemed rather shallow to me. I stand by my conviction, as you stand by yours.

Some strength doesn't come from lifting weights.


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## Mies (Feb 11, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> I'm going to keep saying this until someone tells me to shut the hell up, but when love enters the picture, all the BBW/FA shit goes out the window.



I'm not going to tell you to shut the hell up, but just because you feel that you can say so with such certainty doesn't make it true. Falling in love doesn't negate who I am. No one would dare expect that of a woman, why should one so easily expect that from a man? (Or vice versa, of course.) As always, it's a bit more complicated. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be discussing it, would we?

(And ditto on the complicated part to those who so glibly recommended at the start of this thread that two people who are still in love just go right ahead and split up. A complex problem so easily solved, right?)


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 11, 2010)

Mies said:


> I'm not going to tell you to shut the hell up, but just because you feel that you can say so with such certainty doesn't make it true. Falling in love doesn't negate who I am. No one would dare expect that of a woman, why should one so easily expect that from a man? (Or vice versa, of course.) As always, it's a bit more complicated. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be discussing it, would we?
> 
> (And ditto on the complicated part to those who so glibly recommended at the start of this thread that two people who are still in love just go right ahead and split up. A complex problem so easily solved, right?)



Mies, I never said being in love negated who anyone is. I simply said (with my experience and conviction) that love transcends all the other stuff. For me, anything to the contrary is wrong......FOR ME.

Again, for me, part of the beauty of love is the surrender of yourself, for the reward of the greater relationship. You don't have to give up anything to surrender to love, it can actually be quite liberating, if both partners are committed to it.

My only (and last) thought as I bow out of this thread is that perhaps our world has put too much of an emphasis on appearance, and while the attraction is great at the front end, it becomes shallow as time goes on, and people change their physical, emotional, and mental being. Real love moves past those challenges. Ask people who have been married for 30+ years. Don't believe me (obviously some of you don't), believe THEM when they tell you the key to their success and happiness.


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## Mies (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks for your response, Wrestlingguy. I too have been married for quite some time, and you're right, love does transcend all if you want it to. I fell in love with a thin woman and fully believed that all of that BBW/FA stuff would go right out the window... but it didn't. Staying together hasn't always been easy, but it has been worth it. I'm thankful that we were able to make it work, because I love my wife dearly. 

Good luck to the OP and her husband. If you want to make it work, you should try as hard as you can to make it work, then try a little harder on top of that. There are no easy answers.


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## Wagimawr (Feb 11, 2010)

So if somebody no longer fits your definition of personally attractive, you can fall out of love with them, AND you can leave them simply based on their appearance, AND there's nothing wrong with that?

Do you by any chance enlighten your potential partners to your thought process before getting serious with them?


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## Ruby Ripples (Feb 11, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Hey, if nothing else, it seems you and your husband have the same writing style! Seems you are a match on that level.



EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT!

Faker alert is all a-quiver!


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## wrestlingguy (Feb 11, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> Not even worth the argument. ....(moderator edited out personal attacks)



You had to drag me back in, did ya? Keep digging your hole, son, and make it easier for me to get the not so shallow women that would flip you off in a heartbeat due to your shallowness. Guess the weightlifting must've hardened the brain arteries.

I'm not a knower of all, and I never said there was a right and wrong. Have someone read this to you again, and you'll find that I said that it's what works for me. Mies and I disagree on this, but respect each other's opinion.

And a guy who calls himself the champofchamps shouldn't be pointing a finger and accusing someone of being a knower of all.

BTW, I minored in psych in college, but my training started in pre school.


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## thechampofchamps (Feb 11, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> You had to drag me back in, did ya? Keep digging your hole, son, and make it easier for me to get the not so shallow women that would flip you off in a heartbeat due to your shallowness. Guess the weightlifting must've hardened the brain arteries.
> 
> I'm not a knower of all, and I never said there was a right and wrong. Have someone read this to you again, and you'll find that I said that it's what works for me. Mies and I disagree on this, but respect each other's opinion.
> 
> ...


Ok I can dig it, I'm sorry for resorting to name calling. You do seem genuine in your thoughts. Just please don't call me shallow lol couldn't be further from the truth, the only point I really wanted to make is I don't think we should be so critical about the husband. At the end of the day we've all had to deal with what he is as men who like bigger women. I should also state that I don't believe a relationship should ever be ended based on looks, I just think that looks are a major part in the relationship, and his opinion should matter at least a lil bit. Anyways I apolagise wrestlingguy, if I didn't want to be called shallow I shouldn't of sounded it. Just saying maybe we should support the FA community a lil more fairly sometimes..... Good luck to the OP!!!


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## Still Waters (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm an FA, a regular real-life one not a caricature, and I agree with losing the weight, to the tiny extent that I know anything about the situation and have the right to opine, but here's what I know about marriage counseling and marriage skills/commitment education programs. A lot of the therapists people go to in these situations aren't actually very comfortable with couples' dynamics, they prefer to work with you individually like they were trained to, and they tend to reflect back your own version of things. Here's some of the resources that I think are most effective:
Directory of Marriage-Friendly therapists: http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com
PAIRS - Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills - http://www.PAIRS.com/
Smart Marriages: http://www.smartmarriages.com
You two need to work out several issues, especially his perception of your family of origin -- I don't know how accurate it is, but you both need to hash it out and come to a more shared understanding of your Mom's role, and your individual dignity and decision-making in relation to your mother and your husband. As for this open-marriage stuff, let's just say that for the great majority of couples who try it it's transitional, not permanent, and it's usually more one person's idea than another's.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 11, 2010)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Faker alert is all a-quiver!



the most excruciating kind of post bar nothing


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## mossystate (Feb 11, 2010)

Ruby Ripples said:


> EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT!
> 
> Faker alert is all a-quiver!



:bow:

:bow::bow:

:bow::bow:

:bow:

Yup.

Yup.


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## Jes (Feb 11, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> Second, in none of this did I say that I didn't need the physical aspect of desire in my sexual relationships. .



Right---and that desire can change, and adapt, too. You can be a boob lover and be happy with someone who has lost boobs, or had boobs removed, or made smaller. You can still desire someone who cannot, for whatever, have a physical sexual relationship with you right now (distance, illness, ED, advanced pregnancy, disability, etc.). 

I read a lot of these posts from FAs whose partners have gotten thinner and who have felt a loss of desire. I never hear from the partner who, involved with someone doing the whole 'cmon baby, if you loved me, you'd gain the weight back' thing feeling a loss of desire for being partnered with someone so utterly unpleasant.

I have to say that I feel very, very lucky that I've never had to think about this situation. When someone turns me on, someone turns me on. Sure, I might prefer things be tweaked (and communication helps, here, if they are tweakable), and some things are untweakable, but ultimately, it's all good. I'm dating you, not your penis, even if I like to have a 3some with you both much of the time. heh.

Actually, maybe I shouldn't feel lucky, that's too passive. I feel proud that it's mind over matter with me. I'm going to guess that when the situation is NOT mind over matter for someone, it's probably not about weight so much. There's something else going on there (and the OPs boyfriend even flat out admits it in the post she referenced). I honestly believe that.


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## MisticalMisty (Feb 11, 2010)

Wagimawr said:


> So if somebody no longer fits your definition of personally attractive, you can fall out of love with them, AND you can leave them simply based on their appearance, AND there's nothing wrong with that?
> 
> Do you by any chance enlighten your potential partners to your thought process before getting serious with them?



I don't think it's ever that black and white. We all know that sexual attraction and, more importantly, intimacy is very important to a healthy relationship..marriage or otherwise. 

Love ebbs and flows. However, I want Rob to always "be in" love with me and that means still being attracted to me and wanting a sexual relationship. Often times, marriages morph into a roommate situation and the romantic love is lost. I'm not sure I'm willing to live that way. I want a relationship that fulfills all my needs. Maybe I'm selfish..but I want a complete love..one with lust, intimacy, attraction and everything else that goes with it.


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## Jes (Feb 11, 2010)

wrench13 said:


> My opinion after reading your posts:
> 
> Those who reccommend a therapist are right, this is not about your body - its about what you think your parents and family think about your body. Clearly folks who have had LOTS of plastic surgery are buying into a certain ethos. I would suggest MINIMAL contact with them for an extended period, and single and joint therapy for you and the hubby. Good luck!


No, I'm pretty sure it's about what her husband thinks about her body, not the parents, the friends (or even, to some extent, the OP).

Why is it wrong for 'society' to think some certain way about her body, but totally ok for her husband to think some other certain way, and for her to be supposed to fall in line with it?

Don't get it.


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## mossystate (Feb 11, 2010)

Switch it around and make it about losing weight... or getting whatever surgeries...and you still have people who will play off of fears and sorrows, just to get and keep what they want. It is pretty ugly...and telling someone they need to " keep away from this person...that person...and look into MY eyes, to see who you are "...scary shit. Plop.


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## Sweet Tooth (Feb 11, 2010)

Ultimately, don't we all have the responsibility to be honest with our potential life mates about what we can and cannot tolerate? I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who felt like there was an "out" if anything happened to me, but others are okay with it. That's their choice. And people do change their minds when they face reality versus what they imagined life would be. We promise "for better or for worse", but never really imagine what that "worse" is going to be.

My dad wasn't exactly an FA. He liked his women chubby and he certainly liked breasts. My mom had breast cancer twice. Between the 2 surgeries, she was left with no breasts. [This was before reconstructive surgery was common.] I know she felt like less of a woman, but he NEVER made her feel that way. I can't imagine it was easy at all. He was a healthy, red-blooded male, and they were both in their 40s at the time. But... they made it through. Dad passed away 12 years ago, and my mom was there nursing him and being by his side up until his final moments. [He died at home.] My mom is now a 25+ year cancer survivor, and I'm glad my parents had each other for 42 years.

I want that for my life. For others, it's not so important. If you can't provide your spouse what they need and you're unwilling to make the choice to love them regardless, then you're not doing them any favors by keeping them from finding someone who will be what they want and need.


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## maureenc (Feb 11, 2010)

I always figured that once you fall in love with someone, what they look like shouldn't matter...we all change, get older, get gray hair, get wrinkly, and some of us gain weight while others lose it.

There was a point once where I was in love, and he was not the kind of guy that I was typically attracted to, but I fell in love with him as a person, I fell in love with his personality, and after we got married his looks changed A LOT. I didn't even notice! I look back at pictures now, and he doesn't even look like the same person. 

I gained 100 lbs in just over a year, I went from 280 lbs at the beginning of our relationship to 420...and he wasn't an FA...and nothing was ever said about my size. We were in love...it didn't matter.

Our sex life never changed, things never got less hot, and if I mentioned that I wanted to lose weight, he offered to do it with me...he never once asked me to lose weight. 

We are divorced now, for other reasons then looks, but that was something I really did love about him.

I'm not sure if it's a difference in the way females think or what, but if you're in love with someone, I wouldn't think what they looked like would matter. And wouldn't you want what is best for your spouse? Whatever made them the happiest/feel the best?

This is your body, your life...if you want to lose weight because it makes you feel better, and he is THAT shallow, he is not worth wasting any more time on. That's not love that he has for you, he loves your body more. I really hope you figure things out, and don't compromise...If you feel you need to lose weight, and he is telling you to gain and not supporting you in your right to change your body for YOU, he's not worth it.

Good luck!


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## maureenc (Feb 11, 2010)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Ultimately, don't we all have the responsibility to be honest with our potential life mates about what we can and cannot tolerate? I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who felt like there was an "out" if anything happened to me, but others are okay with it. That's their choice. And people do change their minds when they face reality versus what they imagined life would be. We promise "for better or for worse", but never really imagine what that "worse" is going to be.
> 
> My dad wasn't exactly an FA. He liked his women chubby and he certainly liked breasts. My mom had breast cancer twice. Between the 2 surgeries, she was left with no breasts. [This was before reconstructive surgery was common.] I know she felt like less of a woman, but he NEVER made her feel that way. I can't imagine it was easy at all. He was a healthy, red-blooded male, and they were both in their 40s at the time. But... they made it through. Dad passed away 12 years ago, and my mom was there nursing him and being by his side up until his final moments. [He died at home.] My mom is now a 25+ year cancer survivor, and I'm glad my parents had each other for 42 years.
> 
> I want that for my life. For others, it's not so important. If you can't provide your spouse what they need and you're unwilling to make the choice to love them regardless, then you're not doing them any favors by keeping them from finding someone who will be what they want and need.





I totally agree with this...this is what real love is


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## joswitch (Feb 12, 2010)

@mystical misti - yes exactly! @pretty much everyone - Time and again age and disease related changes are thrown up as being "the same" as deliberately CHOOSING to modify your body... Both are red herrings... For starters as people get older they tend to gain weight, esp. if they were already chubby/fat. Unless they choose a deliberate "loss" course of action... Further - It's a tremendously conflicting feeling to have someone you love tell you "I know you will desire me less, but I have decided I am deliberately going to change my body in X extreme way - to fit in with society/family" (exact situation I have experienced) ... That lets you know that their experience outside your relationship is more important to them than what you have together... Couple that with extreme and dangerous measures taken to achieve said goal... (people were found - by the coroner - to have died due to the diet my ex was on) which has you worried half to death for them (ulcers, sleepless nights)... And finally - if you love someone, you want them to have a fulfilling and happy life... If what they choose to do is wrecking you inside to the point that you fear you cannot give them the same level of desire... Surely it's more loving to let them go so they can find someone else who can give them that desire? Rather than hang on in a constant state of emotional turmoil!


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## joswitch (Feb 12, 2010)

@wrestlinguy - i get what you say about love for the person being (at least part) of physical desire... Every girl I've ever loved I've picked up one or two new turn ons I didn't have before - things about her that became hott to me - just cos of how I felt for HER... Also love can extinguish turn offs too... One of my ex gfs suffered from a skin complaint, which in the past would've squicked me.. But I loved her so much I wasn't put off by that at all... More so, when she was in pain from it and I was helping treat it, I felt sympathy pains and a terrible tenderness, it was awful to see my love suffering... That same ex went up and down in weight in a 40lb range due to stress and other things in her life - i never desired or loved her any less... The ex I broke up with over the weight loss issue was someone I'd only just started dating when she asked me if she lost would I fancy her less... I told her "yes"... We got together anyway and fell for each other... and she went ahead and starved down a drop of 100lbs (which for her was the difference between being fat and not) that didn't feel the same to me as the involuntary changes my previous lover had gone thro... Both in magnitude and intent... So yes, i called that relationship off 6months in... A girl who wants to be thinn(ish) is surely better off dating a non-FA.


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## TraciJo67 (Feb 12, 2010)

joswitch said:


> A girl who wants to be thinn(ish) is surely better off dating a non-FA.


 
This, I heartily agree with. Except (standard disclaimer ) in how we're defining 'FA'. I don't think that all feel exactly as you do regarding weight loss, Jo. Some can, and clearly have, learned to adjust to it. I think it would be more accurate to say that someone who desires to be thin(ner) shouldn't engage in a relationship with a person who wouldn't be able to deal with his/her body possibly changing. You were painfully honest with your former GF. She knew from the start of the relationship how you felt, and she chose to continue anyway. Ideally, this type of honesty is what *should* happen.

I am curious about how you are defining the effect that intentional weight loss has on you, vs. weight loss as a side effect of illness or disease. In either case, isn't the person still drastically different in appearance? If your desires are as hard-wired as you've stated, how does your body recognize the difference? It seems to me that what you're really saying is that your empathy for her takes over -- which reads as something very close to pity, not desire. I don't think anyone would be OK with that as a motivating factor for staying in a relationship. 

Finally, a word about intent. I don't think it's as much about you, or any other FA, as you seem to think (referencing your comments about how your GF's desire to lose weight trumped the needs in your relationship). She owns her body, and ultimately, she has to choose what she can and can't live with. Inasmuch as you can't help the way that you are hard-wired, she very likely couldn't control her feelings about her body. I love my husband very much, and the thought of living without him terrifies me. But if he needed for me to be heavier in order for the relationship to survive, I would have to leave. That's not selfishness on my part. It is how *I* am hard-wired. I need to be in control of my body. If he can't enjoy it as is, fluctuating as it does, I'd be better off without him. And he'd be better off with a woman who understands from the beginning that he's going to control and influence her body size. I don't feel that I should be grateful that he's able to "allow" me the autonomy to choose what I eat/don't eat ... but after seeing what I see here, expressed over and over again for years on end, I'm actually starting to feel that way


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## Carrie (Feb 12, 2010)

joswitch said:


> @mystical misti - yes exactly! @pretty much everyone - Time and again age and disease related changes are thrown up as being "the same" as deliberately CHOOSING to modify your body... Both are red herrings... For starters as people get older they tend to gain weight, esp. if they were already chubby/fat. Unless they choose a deliberate "loss" course of action... Further - It's a tremendously conflicting feeling to have someone you love tell you "I know you will desire me less, but I have decided I am deliberately going to change my body in X extreme way - to fit in with society/family" (exact situation I have experienced) ... That lets you know that their experience outside your relationship is more important to them than what you have together... Couple that with extreme and dangerous measures taken to achieve said goal... (people were found - by the coroner - to have died due to the diet my ex was on) which has you worried half to death for them (ulcers, sleepless nights)... And finally - if you love someone, you want them to have a fulfilling and happy life... If what they choose to do is wrecking you inside to the point that you fear you cannot give them the same level of desire... Surely it's more loving to let them go so they can find someone else who can give them that desire? Rather than hang on in a constant state of emotional turmoil!



I think we're talking about two different things, though. The OP wrote this: 


jmccray789 said:


> *At this point, I don't really care how much I weigh anymore, as long as I feel physically and emotionally good about it.*
> 
> In his first post, my husband indicated that he thought my motives for losing weight revolved around my mother poisoning me emotionally about my looks. That wasn't the case. Oh, it's true that she continues to make me feel awful about myself every time we talk, which isn't okay at all. *The main reason I started losing, though, was that I had gotten to a point where I was having trouble physically functioning in a lot of areas -- everything from taking out the trash to having sex -- and it was wreaking emotional havoc on me. The pressure from my family was just icing on the world's lousiest cake.* I was upset that my husband didn't see this or support me in wanting to lead a more active lifestyle.


To me, that's a pretty different reason from just wanting to lose weight to fit in better with society. It is not at all a comfortable state to feel at war with one's body. I'm supersized and have become, thankfully, pretty emotionally well-adjusted to my physical situation and comfortable in my skin, but some people just can't get there, and I don't begrudge them that. I mean, some people go to extraordinary lengths to change their gender. They don't do it because society tells them it's the correct thing to do, they do it because their inner self is not in harmony with their outer. That's an extreme example, I admit, but I do honestly feel that some people were just not cut out to be comfortable in a fat body. 

To clarify, I'm not arguing *for* staying in a relationship where there is no physical/sexual attraction. I'm just saying the reasons a person might want to lose weight can be pretty complicated, and it's kind of a dismissive cop-out to chalk up all such efforts as bowing down to societal pressure.


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## joswitch (Feb 12, 2010)

@TraciJo - yes, I agree and understand that some people feel they just can't be happy being fat / that fat.. As my ex said to me - she could no more become FA than I could stop being FA... Altho' as she said to me after - being with me HAD changed how she saw herself somewhat... To the point at least that she found herself happy 40lbs earlier than she had expected (her original plan had been to halve her body weight!) and that abuse from random knobheads bothered her much less... And yes it's their body and their choice... Re. The illness issue.. It's that I wouldn't be in conflict with myself nor with my lover... We would both want her to get well, first and foremost... There wouldn't be the situation where what makes one happy makes the other miserable... And no, not pity, just unconflicted love/sympathy...


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## joswitch (Feb 12, 2010)

@Carrie - Please don't think I'm trivialising people's genuine desire to fit in... I've come to realise and accept that while it's not important to me, it's very important to a LOT of people, like my ex... One of the big differences we discovered between us was that: she was happy to deal with internal/emotional conflict, as long as things seemed ok on the outside... While i can deal with all kinds of external conflict, provided I am whole-within-myself / all my emotional ducks line up in a row... If you see what I mean!  ... I've come to feel that whether you're one way or another doesn't make you better or worse, just different... And yes, I do take your point that some people have other "deeper" motives for change... But again, their bodies, motives and choices are their own...


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