# FA Hate, how do you deal?



## PeanutButterfly (Jan 29, 2012)

Last night I had a conversation that I haven't been able to get out of my head all day. I guess it wasn't so much a conversation, more like a story a friend told me. It was like 3:30 am and me, my roommate, a mutual girlfriend and one of my guyfriends had decided to come back to my room after a few parties. We were all pretty drunk, although not terribly so as I remember this conversation quite well. My guyfriend was texting some girl and someone asked who she was. He said "This girl from work. She wants to hook up with me but I don't dig on fat chicks." I was laying down on my bed, eyes closed, drifting off when that comment snapped me awake. He continued, "Yeah this guy on my floor last year was in BBWs. It was so weird. We gave him a _really_ hard time about it *snicker*" My friends just nodded in agreement and he kept going. "He had these pictures of hot girls on his door, probably his roommates or something, so one day we took them all down and drew them fat with permanent marker. It was great." And then the conversation turned to something else and I drifted off to blissful drunken sleep until this morning when I remembered this whole exchange again. 

I'm still kind of in shock. First, I had no idea BBW had become a fairly universal term. Not only did my friend know what it meant but my girlfriends knew it too. I find this pretty surprising as none of them are in the size acceptance movement, not even close. 

Second, its seriously f'ed up what they did to this poor kid. My guyfriend isn't the most enlightened guy, I used to think this was part of his charm. But after hearing this I'm really not a fan of him anymore. I think he might be gay and in serious denial so I'm sure he led the charge when someone else's sexuality was under siege. I'm really curious how they found out this guy was an FA. Did he tell them? Did they notice a pattern in girls? I'm thinking he must have admitted it at some point if they were sure enough to deface his door for the whole building to see. A lot of times I forget how hard it is to be an FA outside of Dims. My current bf is pretty slim so no one would ever question me about my preference and because it's a personal thing I usually keep it to myself. But because its so personal it must have really hurt this kid to be treated like that. This is the kind of shit that would push someone back into the "closet".

And finally, as a BBW this whole thing got to me too. It amazes me the lack of common sense in this world. I would never go up to a black, gay, asian, purple, whatever type of person and say that people who are attracted to them are screwed up. Its one thing to not be attracted to fat women, I get that. I'm personally not attracted to skinny Neanderthals (i.e. guyfriend from above). But I would never tell him that I like to bash skinny Neanderthal lovers in my spare time. I don't understand how he can look at me, someone who is clearly fat, and think that I wouldn't be offended by his disgust of FAs. Not only is he saying that there's something wrong with this FA on his floor but also that its so unfathomable for me to be attractive to *anyone* and if, god forbid, someone is attracted to me they should be publicly humiliated and shunned. 

And the worst part is, I was too drunk to say any of this. To be fair if I had been sober I'm not sure I would have said everything from above but I should have said something, right? But then again, what do you say to that? Anyone else been in this situation?


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## Azrael (Jan 29, 2012)

This may just be me being me but that really just sounds like an outlyer if anything.

I don't have much experience when it comes to how other guys treat FAs (because I frankly don't consider a persons sexuality to be anybody elses business) but as a guy who has seen/experienced how other guys treat each other it just sounds like stupid guys being stupid guys.

Some dumb men will do things like that to people regardless of the reason why. Sometimes it can be because he likes BBWs (although I think that reason is particularly rare) other reasons are because he may or may not act like the classic nerd (or appear that way) or he may just be socially awkward, it can be any reason really that makes someone seem like a viable target.

The point I'm trying to make is that some men will act that way regardless of the reason. 

There's that and there's the fact that male social circles will ocassionally see women as a type of trophy. If a man dates someone that other men find as being unattractive you can pretty much expect to hear some flack from the friends because "you can do better" this is particularly prevalent in the highschool and college years ofcourse. There's also a possibility that other men will mock you because it's a tropy and the quality of women which a man can "bag" reflects on his ability.

Not all men are like that but it's quite prevalent in the earlier years and usually less so later on.


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## CastingPearls (Jan 29, 2012)

Peanutbutterfly, how did you as a BBW escape his hostility in the first place? You refer to him as a guyfriend......this isn't how a friend behaves unless he doesn't think of you as a BBW? I'm confused. Why would YOU want him as a friend either?


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## CarlaSixx (Jan 29, 2012)

I've never seen or heard FAs be picked on in my area. I have, however, heard dudes call FAs crazy, but then comment that it leaves the non-FAs with "all the hot ones" instead. It's like over here, every dude is another dude's competition, so if the dude is into something the other one is not into, it makes less competition, so he won't hate on the guy. 
Mind you, even gay men don't really get bashed in my area. So... it might be more open minded in that sense... even though we have basically NO FAs. Lol.


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## PeanutButterfly (Jan 29, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> Peanutbutterfly, how did you as a BBW escape his hostility in the first place? You refer to him as a guyfriend......this isn't how a friend behaves unless he doesn't think of you as a BBW? I'm confused. Why would YOU want him as a friend either?



I honestly don't anymore. Surprisingly he's never said anything like this to me. I've never gotten a hard time about my weight from him, at least to my face. But he is the kind of guy who I'm sure makes comments behind my back because he's catty and immature and basically a douche. 

Even weirder though, is that he's met my boyfriend, several times. And he's never given him a hard time, not once. In fact I would say guyfriend particularly likes my boyfriend. I wouldn't say they're close but they're certainly friendly (beer pong partners and what not), which is why I was so surprised to hear him be such a dick to someone else who clearly likes fat women.

The problem I have now is I don't know what to do. I've know this douchey guy since high school, where we werent particularly close but friendly. Since going to the same college we've found mutual friends so I see him around quite a bit even if I don't want to. I can't imagine telling our mutual friends to stop inviting him without a reason and getting into the reason with people who are not in this community is just too much wasted time and effort. Even if I did explain to them that yes I am an FA, yes my boyfriend is an FA and as a BBW those kind of comments make me uncomfortable they still wouldn't really get it. They would just be confused. Or if they did somehow see the problem they would point out that he has never said or done anything harmful to *me* and if he ever did they would kick his ass. So I guess I'll just have to limit my interaction with him as much as possible from now on. 

I've always known guys joke around with each other about things that girls normally wouldn't. But in all the times I imagined "coming out" to people about Dims and size acceptance and FA-dom I never saw it going this way. I saw confusion sure, maybe disbelief but never "lets give 'em hell! stupid fatty lovers, we'll show you!". It's just really surprising to me.


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## Dromond (Jan 29, 2012)

CarlaSixx said:


> I've never seen or heard FAs be picked on in my area. I have, however, heard dudes call FAs crazy, but then comment that it leaves the non-FAs with "all the hot ones" instead. It's like over here, every dude is another dude's competition, so if the dude is into something the other one is not into, it makes less competition, so he won't hate on the guy.
> Mind you, even gay men don't really get bashed in my area. So... it might be more open minded in that sense... even though we have basically NO FAs. Lol.



This has been my experience. I have been ribbed about it in the past, but for the most part the reaction of guys has been "whatever floats your boat." If you're not fishing in their pond, they don't care.


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## musicman (Jan 29, 2012)

PeanutButterfly, thanks for posting about your experience. Too many people on these very boards see all FAs as useless sleazy people who deserve no respect. Yes, there are bad apples, but societal prejudice against FAs is just as real as prejudice against fat people. I've been lucky not to experience it in my life, but I've heard some terrible stories from other FAs.

The demonization of FAs by society is just the flip side of the demonization of fat people. It comes from the same source. The diet/pharma/medical/fashion industry cannot paint fat people as disgusting and ugly unless they can also devalue all those who love fat people. To achieve those two goals, they use everyone from dim-witted frat boys to well-paid Hollywood celebrities. We must stand up against those attitudes whenever we encounter them.


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## Fat Brian (Jan 29, 2012)

Guys like your friend find it necessary to target others they feel are weak or strange. They are usually insecure with themselves for some perceived weakness, be it liking fat women or being gay or bi or a million things. Or they are just massive douche bags. Guys like this feel pressure to conform with societal ideals and when someone doesn't tow the line they are threatened and lash out. It's not really surprising that he hasn't made any rude comments to you though. This type of guy has two subsets and only one of those also targets women. It seems your friend is content to make guys miserable but women don't trigger those insecure feelings that cause him to lash out.


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## Sweet Tooth (Jan 29, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> Guys like your friend find it necessary to target others they feel are weak or strange. They are usually insecure with themselves for some perceived weakness, be it liking fat women or being gay or bi or a million things. Or they are just massive douche bags. Guys like this feel pressure to conform with societal ideals and when someone doesn't tow the line they are threatened and lash out. It's not really surprising that he hasn't made any rude comments to you though. This type of guy has two subsets and only one of those also targets women. It seems your friend is content to make guys miserable but women don't trigger those insecure feelings that cause him to lash out.



Said much better than I could've. Some people feel such pressure to be pleasers [at least to certain segments of society] and resent anyone who doesn't have this need or at least keeps things in perspective to the point of living their desired life while doucheboy sits grumbly and resentful over someone else finding their sweet spot in life since he hasn't and it's overflowing into poor attitudes.

Is there a way to say to this guy, "Hey, I was pretty drunk last night. This is what I thought I heard. But since I'm supposedly your friend and I haven't seen you be a jerk to my boyfriend, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that it was my drunk haze just thinking you said that because I'm sure you wouldn't be such an ass." Put him on the hot seat for crap behavior, which it was if you're remembering correctly. [And I'm guessing you are.] But basically it's letting him know that his attitude is pretty crap and maybe he wants to reconsider that attitude if the friendship is going to continue. [If you want to go to that extent, of course. Some people are jerks but they're fine for limited hanging out. Just not safe to have as close friends.]


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## Tad (Jan 30, 2012)

PeanutButterfly said:


> I honestly don't anymore. Surprisingly he's never said anything like this to me. I've never gotten a hard time about my weight from him, at least to my face. But he is the kind of guy who I'm sure makes comments behind my back because he's catty and immature and basically a douche.
> 
> Even weirder though, is that he's met my boyfriend, several times. And he's never given him a hard time, not once. In fact I would say guyfriend particularly likes my boyfriend. I wouldn't say they're close but they're certainly friendly (beer pong partners and what not), which is why I was so surprised to hear him be such a dick to someone else who clearly likes fat women.
> 
> ...





PeanutButterfly said:


> He said "This girl from work. She wants to hook up with me but I don't dig on fat chicks." I was laying down on my bed, eyes closed, drifting off when that comment snapped me awake. He continued, "Yeah this guy on my floor last year was in BBWs. It was so weird. We gave him a _really_ hard time about it *snicker*" My friends just nodded in agreement and he kept going. "He had these pictures of hot girls on his door, probably his roommates or something, so one day we took them all down and drew them fat with permanent marker. It was great."



Hey, you were there and I wasn't, so I could well be totally off base here, but just offering a different interpretation.

My experience of being that age is that guys will take the piss out of each other for anything, or even pretty much nothing. For listening to the 'wrong' music, for their hair cut, for having a bus pass, for that thing they said to a girl at a bar five years ago, for their girl friend making more money than them or for her making less money than them or for her being athletic or for her beinga bookworm, or for that matter for having a girlfriend or for not having a girlfriend.....well, you get the idea, for pretty much anything.

Heck, my friends still do this when we are all together, a couple of decades on.

If a guy in their residence had hair too close to that of Justin Bieber, they could well have re-decorated his room with Bieber posters. Lord, I recall a guy on more floor being taken out for drinks on his birthday, and while he was gone the entire contents of his room got moved to the lounge of the girls dorm next door, for no particular reason at all--it was his birthday, someone had the idea, and it sounded funny to those involved at the time.

So, to me, the "it was great" sounds more like 'that was a great prank' not 'we put the fatty lover down.' The fact that he personally doesn't go for fat girls isn't a big deal, personal taste and all. The fact that he hangs around you, doesn't say anything to you about your size, doesn't treat your boyfriend badly for going out with you, and maybe most of all that he saw nothing wrong with telling this story in front of you, all suggest to me that he doesn't have a real issue with FA. 

I think he's immature, with young mail swagger and bravado, with little idea of where the line is between ribbing someone and offending them....but this makes him not all that untypical. An awful lot of the drama within groups of guys comes from people stepping over that line.

In short, just reading what you wrote and not having heard his tone or anything, I wouldn't read him as a hater, just as a kind of shallow young man. Up to you if you want to be around him or not, but I suspect he is not iredeemable. If anything I'd suggest shooting at him, the next time you meet, something like "I was falling asleep the other night when you told the story about the guy who likes BBW, so I didn't say anything then. But I'd take it as a favor if you didn't discourage the fat admirers. I've got a great boyfriend, but it never hurts to have more admirers around, so I wish you wouldn't chase them back into hiding!"

All just IMO, without having all the information. YMMV, no warranty expess or implied, and other suitable disclaimers.


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## bigmac (Jan 30, 2012)

I was never bullied about liking fat girls (helps to be over six feet tall). However, the guy across the hall at my college dorm decided to "help" me one night. I was out in the hallway with a cute 300 pound first year. My "buddy" decided I was with her because I was drunk (which I was but so was everyone else). Anyway he came up to me grabbed me by both shoulders and shook me while saying "you can do better." Needless to say the girl was greatly offended and stomped off and I had to have a long talk with my "buddy" as soon as I got over my hangover the next day.


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## KHayes666 (Jan 30, 2012)

Back in my armani suit days my guido friends used to say that I was there to keep the fat chicks occupied while they went after the "hot" girls.

Considering it was I who ended up with the sweetheart at the end of the night while they were falling down drunk laughing at inanimate objects, I'd say I got the better end of the deal.


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## Jack Secret (Jan 30, 2012)

I hear a lot of people that had said things while they were intoxicated. They are quick to say "I didn't mean it I was drunk." I want to clarify what they really meant.

I really meant what I said but I wouldn't say it out loud when I was sober.

When people say things when they are drinking they meant to say all along.


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## musicman (Jan 30, 2012)

Tad said:


> My experience of being that age is that guys will take the piss out of each other for anything, or even pretty much nothing. For listening to the 'wrong' music, for their hair cut, for having a bus pass, for that thing they said to a girl at a bar five years ago, for their girl friend making more money than them or for her making less money than them or for her being athletic or for her beinga bookworm, or for that matter for having a girlfriend or for not having a girlfriend.....well, you get the idea, for pretty much anything.
> 
> Heck, my friends still do this when we are all together, a couple of decades on.




I understand what you're saying, that "boys will be boys", and maybe that's OK among friends. But what PeanutButterfly described sounds like bullying, which must never be condoned. It doesn't matter whether the perpetrator is drunk, immature, insecure, or a "nice guy". Bullying always hurts people. To excuse this behavior is to encourage it.


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## CastingPearls (Jan 30, 2012)

Jack Secret said:


> I hear a lot of people that had said things while they were intoxicated. They are quick to say "I didn't mean it I was drunk." I want to clarify what they really meant.
> 
> I really meant what I said but I wouldn't say it out loud when I was sober.
> 
> When people say things when they are drinking they meant to say all along.


Actually there's a quote:
Drunken statements are sober thoughts. Listen carefully.


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## Chimpi (Jan 30, 2012)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Said much better than I could've. Some people feel such pressure to be pleasers [at least to certain segments of society] and resent anyone who doesn't have this need or at least keeps things in perspective to the point of living their desired life while doucheboy sits grumbly and resentful over someone else finding their sweet spot in life since he hasn't and it's overflowing into poor attitudes.
> 
> Is there a way to say to this guy, "Hey, I was pretty drunk last night. This is what I thought I heard. But since I'm supposedly your friend and I haven't seen you be a jerk to my boyfriend, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that it was my drunk haze just thinking you said that because I'm sure you wouldn't be such an ass." Put him on the hot seat for crap behavior, which it was if you're remembering correctly. [And I'm guessing you are.] But basically it's letting him know that his attitude is pretty crap and maybe he wants to reconsider that attitude if the friendship is going to continue. [If you want to go to that extent, of course. Some people are jerks but they're fine for limited hanging out. Just not safe to have as close friends.]



^^ Very good advice. That's what I was thinking. If you mention something to him, you're bound to stir a thought or two in his mind that what he said wasn't something that should be said (preferably even thought). A very casual statement or outward expression can make a big difference, and if it's a way to air out how you're feeling about the subject as well as defending who you are and who your boyfriend is, then how can you really go wrong (in my eyes)?


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## Webmaster (Feb 2, 2012)

PeanutButterfly said:


> ..."Yeah this guy on my floor last year was in BBWs. It was so weird. We gave him a _really_ hard time about it *snicker*"....... Anyone else been in this situation?



No one has ever given me a hard time over my taste in women. They might have wondered behind my back, but not to my face. There have been many situations in my life where I stated my preference for fat women in conversation, and it never became an issue. Maybe it's because much of that happened when I was already an adult or perhaps because I never hung much with drinking crowds where alcohol can temporarily remove whatever levels of civility folks might have acquired.


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## LordQuas (Feb 4, 2012)

In my experiences this is par for the course, especially on a college campus. This is why it kills me when women on Dims and big women in general kill men for not openly dating big women, you complain about how ridiculous society's standards for beauty are and talk about how hard it is to fight that but we as men are supposed to just break through that with no issues. Heh


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## Blackhawk2293 (Feb 4, 2012)

I agree with Azrael, it really sounds like guys being guys. I remember when I was a freshman in University back in 97, there were a few guys (I used to hang out with) who tried to ridicule me for being interested in "fat girls" (back then I didn't know the terms BBW or SSBBW and wasn't as vocal about it back then either)... and these dumb bastards also used to be in the habit of constantly trying to steal each other's girlfriends too. I just told them "so what, at least you know I won't try to steal your hos!"

They didn't know what to say to that!


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## MadLordOfMilk (Feb 5, 2012)

I've actually never had much of a problem with bullying due to being an FA. I mean, my friends will occasionally tease, but not more so than we do to each other for anything else =) As far as this particular situation goes, it's really hard to judge without context. If my friends did something like that to me, I would probably laugh and know it was all in good fun. If people did it to be mean/malicious... Well, it probably wouldn't bother me much, but I would certainly roll my eyes at it and sigh.

Context really matters here, and unfortunately that's the main thing we're lacking.


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## Grundsau 11 (Feb 5, 2012)

MadLordOfMilk said:


> I've actually never had much of a problem with bullying due to being an FA. I mean, my friends will occasionally tease, but not more so than we do to each other for anything else =) As far as this particular situation goes, it's really hard to judge without context. If my friends did something like that to me, I would probably laugh and know it was all in good fun. If people did it to be mean/malicious... Well, it probably wouldn't bother me much, but I would certainly roll my eyes at it and sigh.
> 
> Context really matters here, and unfortunately that's the main thing we're lacking.


We can all debate this 'til St. Patricks day & still be no further along...Good for PBfly, though, for bringin' it up in the first place.
The solution, tho, still remains hers to solve:
A. You said you were all pretty drunk.
B. You say you know this guyfriend(?)since school; in that length of time, you oughta know whether he's one of those "Instant a--hole just add alcohol" kinda guys...
C. By damn, it's YOU WHO CAN "DO BETTER" than even have dealings with such a putz.
D.If I was going out drinking w/ pals, I'd dam sure know all about what they were like plastered before I'd even consider it---including what slips out when their tongue gets loosened...


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## MissAshley (Feb 5, 2012)

It's strange how he would say all this right in front of you. He might not have been thinking. He might not see you as fat. Although, I have heard people bash things I am a part of right in front of me and it makes me wonder if they are trying to be sneaky in confessing what they really think without directing it right at me. I think you could confront him if it's bothering you that bad.

Now on a kind of different note, you mentioned that you were surprised your friends knew what he was talking about when he said BBW. Honestly I think bbw, fa, and the fat acceptance movement just may have already been exposed to a lot more people than you might think. Just today, a 17 year old girl on another forum I go to where it's mostly 18-25 year old who chatter about hair, makeup, boys, and clothes made a thread about the size acceptance idea and most of the girls knew not only what it was, they mentioned names, ideas, and events that have happened over the past few years like they have known about it for a while. I was shocked as hell because I would have put down money on me being the only one who even knew what these things were. But I was wrong because they were very well informed. Unfortunately, most of them had a dismissive reaction and said things along the lines of "I think there are fat people who can be healthy, but these people get way too extreme with it." I know there are a few size acceptance activists working take their mission mainstream, but I came to a starling realization that it may have already happened and people just aren't as interested as was anticipated.


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## Mack27 (Feb 7, 2012)

I was in basic training when I told my buddies that I liked the bigger girls and they all had a good laugh. Then one on one the platoon leader told me I was fortunate, the girls I liked would be attainable. I didn't know what to say.

Years later a guy was relaying his pickup strategy in bars, he'd buy the fattest girl in the bar a drink first and then play the field. If he didn't get a hotty, he said, he'd still have something to fall back on at the end of the night. I told him the girl he'd fall back would probably be the one I'd think was the hottest. He got upset saying that was disrupting the natural order, that we'd all be better off if I was just gay.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 7, 2012)

I've been in this situation before, and in other situations where people have expressed nothing less than absolute shock at the fact that people have sex with and date me. At times it bothers me but for the most part I try to keep it in perspective. Your friends don't need to be attracted to you and they don't need to necessarily approve of every facet of who you are. With rare exception my friends think I should lose weight, that I would be happier, healthier and more attractive. I know for a fact most of the guys I've been friends with in my life would never be interested in me. But, so? They're allowed preferences and opinions too. I think its important to distinguish that the problem doesn't lie with how he feels but rather that he said it in front of you. Like Tad said, guys our age are immature as fuck. He also was drunk and probably not thinking. So what's his crime here? Having no tact? Is it really worth dragging up the conversation again? Especially if he's just a casual party partner? You know what I'm saying?


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## LordQuas (Feb 17, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> I've been in this situation before, and in other situations where people have expressed nothing less than absolute shock at the fact that people have sex with and date me. At times it bothers me but for the most part I try to keep it in perspective. Your friends don't need to be attracted to you and they don't need to necessarily approve of every facet of who you are. With rare exception my friends think I should lose weight, that I would be happier, healthier and more attractive. I know for a fact most of the guys I've been friends with in my life would never be interested in me. But, so? They're allowed preferences and opinions too. I think its important to distinguish that the problem doesn't lie with how he feels but rather that he said it in front of you. Like Tad said, guys our age are immature as fuck. He also was drunk and probably not thinking. So what's his crime here? Having no tact? Is it really worth dragging up the conversation again? Especially if he's just a casual party partner? You know what I'm saying?



It looks like you're saying that she should be okay with her friend being a complete asshole


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## liz (di-va) (Feb 17, 2012)

Mack27 said:


> Years later a guy was relaying his pickup strategy in bars, he'd buy the fattest girl in the bar a drink first and then play the field. If he didn't get a hotty, he said, he'd still have something to fall back on at the end of the night. I told him the girl he'd fall back would probably be the one I'd think was the hottest. He got upset saying that was disrupting the natural order, that we'd all be better off if I was just gay.



Geez. Jerk. "Natural order"...WTF. Awful & hilarious/awful.


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## KHayes666 (Feb 18, 2012)

Mack27 said:


> I was in basic training when I told my buddies that I liked the bigger girls and they all had a good laugh. Then one on one the platoon leader told me I was fortunate, the girls I liked would be attainable. I didn't know what to say.
> 
> Years later a guy was relaying his pickup strategy in bars, he'd buy the fattest girl in the bar a drink first and then play the field. If he didn't get a hotty, he said, he'd still have something to fall back on at the end of the night. I told him the girl he'd fall back would probably be the one I'd think was the hottest.He got upset saying that was disrupting the natural order, that we'd all be better off if I was just gay.



Unfortunately just because a girl's fat and sexy, it doesn't mean she's particularly nice. Finding the fattest girl in the bar sometimes mean you've found the biggest bitch in the bar literally and figuratively. With that said, you can tell your platoon to stick it because while they're off looking for the girls looking for one night hookups or short term relationships, you found the girl that possibly may love and care for you in return for as much as you give.

That's how I really counter FA hate. If they want to make fun of big girls just make fun of the girls they date. Two wrongs don't make a right but its sure as hell fun to watch them get angry.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 18, 2012)

LordQuas said:


> It looks like you're saying that she should be okay with her friend being a complete asshole



Well, everyone needs to decide for themselves what they're okay with and what they're not. My opinion is this: my friends can be anti-fat, can think I would be more attractive thin and think it's weird that I don't hate myself. That's fine. What they can't do is preach me to me about weight loss all the time, make fun of me for how I look, or tell me I would be prettier if I lost weight. They're allowed to think what I want.. they don't need to think I'm attractive or be on board with size acceptance to be my friend, I value their friendship for other reasons. I'm trying to apply that opinion to this situation, i.e. maybe the OP should think about it the same way.. her friends can be anti-fat, think thin people are more attractive, and find it strange that she is an FA.. as long as they keep it to themselves and respect her as a person. That's why I said that, to me, the problem didn't lie with his statement but rather the fact that he said it in front of her. 

I've formed this opinion over the last few years, reading about others on here who immediately cut out friends who didn't out and out believe in size acceptance or understand their FA preference but to me, that's just silly. I don't cut out my friends because they're pro-life or because they don't think the guy I'm seeing is cute. There's no way you're going to agree with your friends on every single thing. Just my opinion.


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## lovelocs (Feb 22, 2012)

^^^

If I felt like you did, I would probably have more friends. I'm also pretty sure I would have a crapload of health concerns. It's not about disagreements: it's about equality. I may not share a friend's religion, but if they quietly look down on me because of the fact, I'm much less likely to be their friend- for their sake and mine. I couldn't be around people who silently saw me as inferior without being physically ill, fighting people randomly, or both. Rather than hang out with a crew and be "the fat girl," I'll be alone, or have my three or four friends. Companionship is not that important to me.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 23, 2012)

Hey everyone has to decide for themselves whats important to them in a friend. I honestly don't care if my friends are anti-fat as long as they respect me as a person.


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## Tina (Feb 23, 2012)

If they're anti-fat, they don't actually respect you. You might have the illusion they do, but bigots do not respect that which they are bigoted against.


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## MistahSmooth_CT (Feb 23, 2012)

PeanutButterfly said:


> Last night I had a conversation that I haven't been able to get out of my head all day. I guess it wasn't so much a conversation, more like a story a friend told me. It was like 3:30 am and me, my roommate, a mutual girlfriend and one of my guyfriends had decided to come back to my room after a few parties. We were all pretty drunk, although not terribly so as I remember this conversation quite well. My guyfriend was texting some girl and someone asked who she was. He said "This girl from work. She wants to hook up with me but I don't dig on fat chicks." I was laying down on my bed, eyes closed, drifting off when that comment snapped me awake. He continued, "Yeah this guy on my floor last year was in BBWs. It was so weird. We gave him a _really_ hard time about it *snicker*" My friends just nodded in agreement and he kept going. "He had these pictures of hot girls on his door, probably his roommates or something, so one day we took them all down and drew them fat with permanent marker. It was great." And then the conversation turned to something else and I drifted off to blissful drunken sleep until this morning when I remembered this whole exchange again.
> 
> I'm still kind of in shock. First, I had no idea BBW had become a fairly universal term. Not only did my friend know what it meant but my girlfriends knew it too. I find this pretty surprising as none of them are in the size acceptance movement, not even close.
> 
> ...



I have been down the road on both ends of the race issue (Being that I am black), and it sucks. I mean I get the "I don't like big girls, or I don't like black men because we are all thugs, (which I am the biggest blackest nerd you'll meet..), and I will say that truely, they are just shallow, and I know about the shallow people. I have seen them around, and I've encountered them, and 9 out of 10 times, they usually are closeted FA's, or have some serious security issues. 

That's just my opinion, I could be wrong..


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## bigmac (Feb 23, 2012)

Webmaster said:


> No one has ever given me a hard time over my taste in women. They might have wondered behind my back, but not to my face. There have been many situations in my life where I stated my preference for fat women in conversation, and it never became an issue. Maybe it's because much of that happened when I was already an adult or perhaps because I never hung much with drinking crowds where alcohol can temporarily remove whatever levels of civility folks might have acquired.



As an adult I've had the same experience -- no one has ever given me a hard time. As a college student I was told "I could do better" a few times (see prior post).  As a teenager I was teased some -- but not in a hateful way -- and I ribbed them right back ("at least my girl doesn't look like a 12 year old boy").

I don't think there's much FA hate -- just some people who may not understand why.


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## thatgirl08 (Mar 4, 2012)

Tina said:


> If they're anti-fat, they don't actually respect you. You might have the illusion they do, but bigots do not respect that which they are bigoted against.



I don't understand why everyone in the community breaks people into two distinct categories.. those who are okay with fat and those who are not. It's very us vs them, and very black and white. There's a lot of gray area here.. there are people who buy into the thinner = healthier mantra who don't hate fat people. Not everyone who believes in weight loss is a bigot. Some people, even our non-community fellow fatties, believe weight loss is a positive thing not because they're assholes but because they don't even realize there's an alternative way of looking at things. Fat hate is so ingrained in our society that a lot of people are not even enlightened enough to know that the whole diet industry is a sham. Hell some people have always been thin so maybe they've never even had to question it.. but that doesn't mean they are automatically fat hating bigots. There are decent people.. lots of them.. who don't think that being fat is healthy but still treat fat people with respect.


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## lovelocs (Mar 5, 2012)

@Thatgirl08. ^^^
I'm not Tina, but I do feel the need to respond to this line of thought. It's not so much that the world is divided up into activist and bigots, and it's not so much that people are ignoring shades of gray. It's that even the shades of gray, even the people who may simply be innocuous or clueless, can have immense negative repercussions on a fat person's life. Let's have a look at some examples. 

There have been numerous times, even cited on these forums, where overweight people have gone in to doctor's offices with health concerns apart from their weight, only to be told that their poor health is due to their weight, solely. Hormonal imbalances, mental illnesses, cancers, any number of vital health concerns can be missed because a health professional is blinded by fat. These health professionals are not crazy, raving anti-fat bigots, but they can hasten the death of fat people due to a latent anti-fat bias.

Let's think about jobs. It's no secret that fat people make less money, and face hiring discrimination. The people who don't hire or promote them are not hand-wringing, cackling, anti-fat bigots. Normally, they are in positions which require them to be seem as transparent and anti-discriminatory as possible, if only for the sake of avoiding litigation. And yet resumes end up on the bottom of the pile. Sometimes, reservations are made due to the state of an applicant's "health." When a fat person does excel in their field, they have to face weight related backlash. Look at what happened to Chris Christie. Journalists and editorialists looked at his weight as tangible evidence of a character flaw which would make him unfit for office. Adele is a wonderful singer, who catches a lot of flack because of her weight. Even Lady Gaga, who has started an anti-bullying foundation, didn't rein in her fans quickly enough when they started attacking Adele. On a more personal note, an acquaintance was advised to lose weight because he was at a flagship retail location in an upscale neighborhood, and he did not fit the corporate image. He ended up working in this store, at this location, due to his dedication to the organization and his competence, but of course, that was unimportant. The person who told him to slim down was not an evil, skinny bigot, but a concerned colleague trying to do what was right in his mind.

It doesn't take a crazy bigot to create serious problems- just a person who has never stopped to consider the full weight of their beliefs and actions. They can be good people, and do real harm at the same time.

Took me a while to finish writing this post. Got caught up looking at pics of Chris Christie. 



damn.




:eat2:


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 5, 2012)

lovelocs said:


> @Thatgirl08. ^^^
> I'm not Tina, but I do feel the need to respond to this line of thought. It's not so much that the world is divided up into activist and bigots, and it's not so much that people are ignoring shades of gray. It's that even the shades of gray, even the people who may simply be innocuous or clueless, can have immense negative repercussions on a fat person's life. Let's have a look at some examples.
> 
> There have been numerous times, even cited on these forums, where overweight people have gone in to doctor's offices with health concerns apart from their weight, only to be told that their poor health is due to their weight, solely. Hormonal imbalances, mental illnesses, cancers, any number of vital health concerns can be missed because a health professional is blinded by fat. These health professionals are not crazy, raving anti-fat bigots, but they can hasten the death of fat people due to a latent anti-fat bias.
> ...



This I can agree with. With the world's common way of thinking about fat and specifically obesity, if you held that against people you wouldn't have friends at all. I was willing to overlook this 'ism about people for a long time but recently realized how this was affecting me in such a subtle way I couldn't even see it. In a conversation about an issue I am having with a family member judging me by my weight despite my accomplishments, a friend of mine made a comment that was meant to be empathetic and supportive but it really just put me off. I was speechless and the comment lay like a stone in my mind for days until finally I though, "You know what? No." I haven't stopped talking with her completely but I definitely see her in a whole new light now. It's not ok. Such notions are no longer appropriate to the person I've become and I'm just not with that stuff anymore. At one time I didn't mind hanging around people who hated or didn't understand homosexuality. That took its toll too and the light goes out as soon as I hear someone mutter some homophobic trope. If you can sit grinning peacefully while this kind of stuff goes on more power to you but I.... just can't. Nope.


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## thatgirl08 (Mar 5, 2012)

I wholeheartedly believe people need to surround themselves with those who enrich their lives in sone way. I'm not trying to talk anyone into anything here. If someone made a negative comment that made you upset enough to not be their friend then by all means cut them out! I'm just presenting an alternative way of looking at the situation. I have tried to cut people out of my life for all sorts of reasons but after awhile I realized I didnt have many left. I'm slower to make that decision now. I'm more understanding of peoples differences and slower to react negatively to every little comment or line of thinking. That has made me feel more comfortable and happy in my own life. Everyone's experiences are going to be different of course. I'm not trying to change minds, just sharing how I've dealt with this issue.


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## collared Princess (Mar 9, 2012)

Oh FA's how we love you and wish there was more of you..sorry random thank you:bow:


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## balletguy (Mar 10, 2012)

collared Princess said:


> Oh FA's how we love you and wish there was more of you..sorry random thank you:bow:



I think there are more of us out there everyday.


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