# traveling for love



## bobbleheaddoll (Aug 23, 2009)

hi everyone

as i read through some of the postings, i noticed a few of the people on here actually did meet through dims. i find this awesome yet it kinda surprised me and made me think of my history of using the internet to date/find friends.

i grew up in a very rural area where the dating pool was not so great. it was not my size hindering my dating ability (the farmers like sturdy, hard working women) just that the choices out there were not what i was seeking. it was not until i went to college and met much more interesting and culturally/socially diverse people that my dating experiences really picked up.

after school i knew i was not going to find my other half in my back yard...and tried the internet thing. i figured the universe is a big place and my someone had to be out there somewhere. while it was very interesting to meet many of the great guys that i did...there seemed to be a lack of willingness to do the work to take it to the next level. we would get along well and when it came time to meet or make plans that involved more than the 'weekend getway' they seemed to wane quickly. alot of guys seem to be looking for someone online, but really only want them if they are local and there is no inconvenience of having to make it work. i abandonded the 'internet for love' thing and now just post for the social interaction of making friends in different areas than my own. i figure the universe will let us cross paths if it is really meant to be...which i guess explains why i love to travel...lol.

which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love? 

let me know what you think...


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## Sugar (Aug 23, 2009)

I'm in the middle of this. At first my boyfriend was going to move here next fall, but then he got an offer for an internship in NYC for his dream job.

I don't really want to live in NYC. Colorado weather is better for my health condition, but I'm not about to let him give up his path and at the same time I really want to be with him permanently. 

The key here is both of us are willing to do what it takes to be together which makes it easier to work out and realize we are doing this together.


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## dynomite_gurl (Aug 23, 2009)

I have found the right guy and yes would be willing to travel and make a change to my life to be with him. And like every girl who is in love, I would hope that he would feel the same way and willing to make that same leap that I would, for us to be together.:smitten:


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## kayrae (Aug 23, 2009)

bobbleheaddoll said:


> which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love?
> 
> let me know what you think...



I'm willing to move for love. I would expect him to be willing to do the same.


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## deepreflection (Aug 23, 2009)

I have recently considered it and I can say that I would move.

Someone here in a post on LDRs said that the distance can be overcome and closed down to zero and thus no problem at all (via periodic travel). I think that's genius to a point. When things have moved forward and the question of moving is upon you it's incredibly hard to place that distance between yourself, family and old friends. I it's important to me that we plan for visits back home alone or together and look forward to new friends and the great things about a new place. The new experience can be grand, too.

For us, right now it makes the most sense for me to stay here and welcome my sweetie home when she arrives. No matter the direction, moving is hard and anyone who does it deserves a lot of consideration.

It's important to me that we make our home together and I look forward to those changes.


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## ESPN Cutie (Aug 23, 2009)

*Depends.

I don't do long-distance relationships anymore - can't handle - so I would not move to be near a man that was already living somewhere else.

But, if my boyfriend wanted me to move with him to a new town, I probably would. It would really depend on how sure I felt that he was "The One," so most likely, we would have to be engaged or already living together.

Now, I would NEVER move to a new town with a boyfriend if we weren't going to be living together. No thank you.*


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## Dr. Feelgood (Aug 23, 2009)

bobbleheaddoll said:


> while it was very interesting to meet many of the great guys that i did...there seemed to be a lack of willingness to do the work to take it to the next level. we would get along well and when it came time to meet or make plans that involved more than the 'weekend getway' they seemed to wane quickly.



Here's my own experience: 
As you know, when an academic gets tenure, it means not only a raise but job security for life. It isn't easy to get: it takes six years of teaching, research, and having a significant number of books/articles accepted for publication. Since I started teaching, my department has hired six women in tenure track positions; four of them got tenure. Of those four, three gave up their tenure (and their raises) to start all over somewhere else -- because their husband/boyfriend/S.O. was offered a raise elsewhere. It seems to me that if someone has to make a sacrifice for the relationship, it's much more likely to be the woman than the man. And it seems to be cultural. Could that be what's behind the 'lack of willingness' that bobbleheaddoll noticed?


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## thatgirl08 (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't think I'd ever want to move out of Rochester to be with someone unless it was relatively close to here simply because the majority of my friends and family are here. I know for sure that I wouldn't even consider it unless things got really serious between him and I.. living together, engagement, etc. However, I'm currently in a semi-LDR (about an hour and a half) and I'm considering moving about an hour closer to him for my second semester of college, depending on how things are going.. it's still close to my home though, so I don't mind as much.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 23, 2009)

I did move away from my friends & family in Illinois to be with my boyfriend (now husband). It wasn't an easy adjustment to make. I was lonely, had a difficult time making friends, relied far too much on him (which nearly destroyed our relationship), and actually ended up resenting the hell out of him and hating myself for leaving. Many years later, we're happily married, settled into our life in Minnesota, and I don't think that I'd return to Illinois if I had the chance. But it was a very, very difficult transition period. I don't think I'd put myself through it again.

But then, I'm not a very flexible person. I like my life to be ordered just so, I am slow to make friends (although those that I do become close to tend to be lifetime friends), and I don't adjust well to a lot of change. 

If I were in your position, I'd probably give a lot of thought to how serious the relationship is, would go very (very!) slowly. You can't really know or be reassured that things will work out, no matter how much you love each other or feel otherwise. Things change when two people who have very separate lives (and therefore many opportunities to present only the positive, best sides of themselves) find those lives merged. My husband graduated from college a year before I did, and got a job in a city two hours from where I was located. We did the weekend thing for more than a year before I moved again - the second time around, though, it was as his wife. Even though we'd been in a relationship for 6+ years prior to marriage, it was still a difficult adjustment to go from the fun & excitement of weekend visits to the settling in routine of seeing each other on a daily basis. It worked out for us, but it wasn't easy. 




bobbleheaddoll said:


> hi everyone
> 
> as i read through some of the postings, i noticed a few of the people on here actually did meet through dims. i find this awesome yet it kinda surprised me and made me think of my history of using the internet to date/find friends.
> 
> ...


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## katorade (Aug 23, 2009)

deepreflection said:


> I have recently considered it and I can say that I would move.
> 
> Someone here in a post on LDRs said that the distance can be overcome and closed down to zero and thus no problem at all (via periodic travel). I think that's genius to a point. When things have moved forward and the question of moving is upon you it's incredibly hard to place that distance between yourself, family and old friends. I it's important to me that we plan for visits back home alone or together and look forward to new friends and the great things about a new place. The new experience can be grand, too.
> 
> ...




Since I'm the sweetie in this post, I'm going to comment my half as well.:happy:

For me it was a relatively simple yet really difficult decision to make. I was previously in a LDR that I made the move for, and it ended in disaster, so I was really hesitant to even THINK about moving for a relationship again. While my previous experience made it really hard, it also made it easier, I think. 
I already know what it feels like to uproot and move to a foreign place, I already knows what it feels like to be away from my family and friends, and I already know that the life experience I've gained, even without the relationship, has been worth it.

To touch on Dr. Feelgood's post, for us it was a no-brainer. I don't have anything keeping me here and I'm already far enough from family. I don't own a home, he does. I'm not near my family (nor do I really have the _need_ to be), he is. I worked part time for chicken scratch, he has a stable career. I won't be struggling to get by there, and we can take care of each other. I have a "mild" handicap, so living alone can be very difficult, and I don't like having roommates. I will be gaining much more than I'm losing, so it's just the matter of putting my own anxieties about the past aside. He's worth it, so onward I go!

However, if I did have a career, chances are numbers-wise I would still be making less even if we were in similar fields, since women make what, 76 cents on the dollar compared to men? It would be a harder decision to make, but economically it would just make sense.

Also, I think there are still a lot of women out there that don't put happiness in their career in front of other things that make them happy in life, like being in a loving relationship, or being a mother. Typically more so than men. Some women love their jobs, but they're still just jobs. Some women love their career, but they love their children more, or the yearning to have a family is greater. Same goes for men, but I honestly believe more women are willing to make sacrifices in their career choices when it comes to love or family, and are typically more inclined to WANT love and family than men.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 23, 2009)

katorade said:


> Since I'm the sweetie in this post, I'm going to comment my half as well.:happy:
> 
> For me it was a relatively simple yet really difficult decision to make. I was previously in a LDR that I made the move for, and it ended in disaster, so I was really hesitant to even THINK about moving for a relationship again. While my previous experience made it really hard, it also made it easier, I think.
> I already know what it feels like to uproot and move to a foreign place, I already knows what it feels like to be away from my family and friends, and I already know that the life experience I've gained, even without the relationship, has been worth it.
> ...



Katorade, I didn't know that you were the sweetie in the equation. I wish you both the very best.

In a general way, I agree with your comments. The maternal drive is a powerful one, in women who have that particular desire. Early in my career, I didn't think it would mean as much to me as it eventually did, and does. I have to admit, I still can't imagine giving up my career. But I would do so in a heartbeat if my son was clearly unhappy with daycare. It is actually just the opposite ... we have a difficult time keeping the little guy happy and occupied on the weekends. He's bored most of the time. 

Clearly, your situation is different than mine was. You seem to know what the stakes are, what you are getting into, and you don't seem to have many compelling reasons to stay where you are. 

The only thing I'm not sure of is the numbers-wise thing. I know that this was once true; but as more women are college educated (percentage wise, I think far more women than men have degrees now), I'm thinking that gap is probably closing, and fast. We can hope, anyway


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## katorade (Aug 23, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> The only thing I'm not sure of is the numbers-wise thing. I know that this was once true; but as more women are college educated (percentage wise, I think far more women than men have degrees now), I'm thinking that gap is probably closing, and fast. We can hope, anyway



It would be fantastic, agreed, but I think it still applies.


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## KatsPyjamas (Aug 24, 2009)

bobbleheaddoll said:


> which brings me to my question...if you found the right guy/girl...would you be willing to uproot your life for love? would you expect him/her to? willing to make the leap for love?



People uproot from their family and friends for jobs all the time. And as my friends can't stay in the same place anyway, yes.

I do the whole periodic travel thingy with my current long distance relationship. It works out ok as we're both esentially hermits.


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## jewels_mystery (Aug 24, 2009)

The only way I could see myself in a ldr is if we both agreed that after a certain amount of time, one would have to move. :wubu:


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## Tau (Aug 24, 2009)

Exactly Jewels. I think long distance works when you're working towards an end date, where you're going to be together. A friend and her boyfriend have been doing LD for a year now and next year August they're getting married  I'm so gleeful about that its like its me! I would be willing to move for somebody I loved - but I would never move if it was casual or if marriage was not in the cards. I adore my family too much to leave them for less than that.


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## Duniwin (Aug 24, 2009)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Here's my own experience:
> As you know, when an academic gets tenure, it means not only a raise but job security for life. It isn't easy to get: it takes six years of teaching, research, and having a significant number of books/articles accepted for publication. Since I started teaching, my department has hired six women in tenure track positions; four of them got tenure. Of those four, three gave up their tenure (and their raises) to start all over somewhere else -- because their husband/boyfriend/S.O. was offered a raise elsewhere. It seems to me that if someone has to make a sacrifice for the relationship, it's much more likely to be the woman than the man. And it seems to be cultural. Could that be what's behind the 'lack of willingness' that bobbleheaddoll noticed?





katorade said:


> However, if I did have a career, chances are numbers-wise I would still be making less even if we were in similar fields, since women make what, 76 cents on the dollar compared to men? It would be a harder decision to make, but economically it would just make sense.





TraciJo67 said:


> The only thing I'm not sure of is the numbers-wise thing. I know that this was once true; but as more women are college educated (percentage wise, I think far more women than men have degrees now), I'm thinking that gap is probably closing, and fast. We can hope, anyway



A lot of good points were brought up here, and I just want to connect the dots. Katorade is right that there is a discrepancy in the average salary of men and women, and I think TraciJo is right that that gap is shrinking.

However it is important to note that this gap is a gap in the _average _pay. If a man and woman start the same job fresh out of college, with the same quailifications, they should be paid the same. Period.

The discrepancy comes in becuase of what Dr. Feelgood mentioned: women are more likely to put their career on hold for the good of the relationship, espicially when children are involved. Because women more often come off the career track, such as the tenure example, fewer women are at the top of the pay scale for their careers.

What I'm saying is, women should *not *expect to be paid less than a man for the same work. Historically, women have spent less of their lives in the paid workforce advancing their careers, so in the long run, the average male salary climbs more. Even if the cultural workplace dynamics change, there will still be at least a small gap as long as more women take maternity leave than men take paternity leave. It's not fair, but that's the way it is.


In my case, I am in a long distance relationship and my Significant Other is also Significantly Older than me. She has a well established, successful career requiring an advanced degree and I am still working on finishing my Bachelors. Once I do, I'm planning on moving to be with her.

So to respond to the original poster, internet relationships can work, long distance relationships can work, and there are guys willing to move and make sacrifices for the relationship.


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## butch (Aug 24, 2009)

However, don't forget that fat women get paid less than thin women in the same job, which seems to suggest that men and women don't get paid the same amount if they are both hired at the same time for the same job in today's job market. My own personal experience suggests that women do get paid less for the exact same job that men do.


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## OneHauteMama (Aug 24, 2009)

I would definitely be willing to relocate if the person I loved was willing to do the same...maybe both move somewhere halfway between the two places?


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## Cors (Aug 24, 2009)

This sounds cold, but I have never felt attached to any place or even friends and family. However, I will not give up a good, stable, high-paying job unless there is some sort of a guarantee that I have a filthy rich and generous partner who can and is willing to support me and the lifestyle I would be accustomed to until I get an equivalent position. 

My current partner moved to be with me. I appreciate his sacrifice, but I do feel bad knowing that I wouldn't have done the same because I cannot afford to jeopardise my (selfish?) career goals. He has less to lose (no crazy debt, no specialised training) and more importantly, he is fluent in English and will do fine in the UK while I probably have to spend years working on my crappy Danish before I can even hope to get anywhere.

I don't know, but it often seems like everyone around me are more than willing to drop _everything_ for love, for family. It makes me wonder what I am missing out on.


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## AnotherJessica (Aug 24, 2009)

jewels_mystery said:


> The only way I could see myself in a ldr is if we both agreed that after a certain amount of time, one would have to move. :wubu:



That's exactly how I feel about it. Even though it's difficult, I'm capable of it for as long as there is some end in sight.


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## SparkGirl (Aug 24, 2009)

_*My mom always taught me, don't ever move, or move in with a man without a ring on your finger. That's the only advice I can think to give at the moment.*_


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## jewels_mystery (Aug 24, 2009)

Tau said:


> Exactly Jewels. I think long distance works when you're working towards an end date, where you're going to be together. A friend and her boyfriend have been doing LD for a year now and next year August they're getting married  I'm so gleeful about that its like its me! I would be willing to move for somebody I loved - but I would never move if it was casual or if marriage was not in the cards. I adore my family too much to leave them for less than that.



I agree. LDRs requires a lot of effort and that would be wasted on something that is casual.


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## msbard90 (Aug 24, 2009)

I would be skeptical to travel for love, for a relationship developed on the internet or through letters. It is impossible to determine the outcome of living together. What if you move across the country and realize that this man was not all that he was cracked up to be? A lot of people play games for years on the internet to swoon a woman, but when the true colors start showing, a long distance move (where there are possibly no family/friends etc...) can truly bite you in the ass.


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## Sugar (Aug 24, 2009)

msbard90 said:


> I would be skeptical to travel for love, for a relationship developed on the internet or through letters. It is impossible to determine the outcome of living together. What if you move across the country and realize that this man was not all that he was cracked up to be? A lot of people play games for years on the internet to swoon a woman, but when the true colors start showing, a long distance move (where there are possibly no family/friends etc...) can truly bite you in the ass.



No guts no glory?


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## msbard90 (Aug 25, 2009)

... some are more ambitious than myself.. I wouldn't bother with a LDR.


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## Gingembre (Aug 25, 2009)

I would move for love...hell, I'd move for most things right now! I'm currently living back in my home town, at my parents house, and am always looking for ways & means to move away! My friends are spread around the UK, so I'm sure I'd make new ones wherever I ended up. I'm used to not seeing my family for 4-5 months at a time so as long as I can talk to them on the phone I don't mind.

A this stage of my life, apart from my job, which I don't like but wouldnt want to leave unless I knew I could get employment elsewhere, I have no responsibilities here (or anywhere!). If an LDR went tits up in person, hey ho, we live & learn. I could always come back.


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## jewels_mystery (Aug 25, 2009)

msbard90 said:


> I would be skeptical to travel for love, for a relationship developed on the internet or through letters. It is impossible to determine the outcome of living together. What if you move across the country and realize that this man was not all that he was cracked up to be? A lot of people play games for years on the internet to swoon a woman, but when the true colors start showing, a long distance move (where there are possibly no family/friends etc...) can truly bite you in the ass.



I can see what your saying. If I was to move for a ldr, I would live in my own apt for six months or so. Just to make sure I am not ass out if it does not work out. But I would still move but just be smart about it.


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## LillyBBBW (Aug 25, 2009)

I would definitley relocate for the right person. :happy: It would all depend on a few factors though. If he lived in Pisshit, OK the answer would be right no. If it's a place I'm sure I can be relatively happy, establish work, get good medical care, plant roots, grow personally and get a box of Snocaps at CVS then it would be fine.


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## lypeaches (Aug 25, 2009)

There are way too many variables to give a hard yes or no answer. I sort of did, and I'd do it again, but there were many other things that factored in to the decision (was it a place I'd want to live anyway, was it good for my career, was I happy were I was, etc.). Like Lilly, if they'd been living in ..... oh, I dunno, say Alaska, that would have been a deal breaker for me. 

But I'm kind of a vagabond. I get itchy feet when I stay in one place too long. I, and for that matter, most people in my family, tend to move every 10 years or so.


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## Cors (Aug 25, 2009)

Hmm, it seems that most of you are talking about moving interstate? While it is painful leaving friends and family, they won't be _that_ far away and at least the new place will still somewhat familiar. Applying to live and/or work in a different country (long waits plus the scary possibility of your Visa getting rejected), especially one where people don't even speak English and where your qualifications might not be recognised is a very different thing.


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## Sugar (Aug 25, 2009)

Cors said:


> Hmm, it seems that most of you are talking about moving interstate? While it is painful leaving friends and family, they won't be _that_ far away and at least the new place will still somewhat familiar. Applying to live and/or work in a different country (long waits plus the scary possibility of your Visa getting rejected), especially one where people don't even speak English and where your qualifications might not be recognised is a very different thing.



Most Americans don't have so much experience with other cultures they're going to find a person they actually fall in love with. Falling in love has as much to do with what you have in common as what you don't. 

That being said I got married spur of the moment in Vegas not even thinking it was going to mess up my former husband's visa. We had a few years of fixing the mess with the INS...it was worth it.


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## LillyBBBW (Aug 25, 2009)

Cors said:


> Hmm, it seems that most of you are talking about moving interstate? While it is painful leaving friends and family, they won't be _that_ far away and at least the new place will still somewhat familiar. Applying to live and/or work in a different country (long waits plus the scary possibility of your Visa getting rejected), especially one where people don't even speak English and where your qualifications might not be recognised is a very different thing.



I've often considered moving internationally just for myself. I've had many prospects musically on the international stage that I don't really get to explore here in the states and thought to exploit them by moving. Issues like -- can I work and make enough to support myself there, how are my medical issues viewed and treated there, are buildings and public travel accessable for me, etc. weighed on my mind in pretty much the same way it does here. In fact I was more worried about all of that than I was about the language barrier. Most places have enough English speaking signs and people there to survive hacking the native language to pieces before I can master it beyond what I already know. I would not be able to argue politics or tell a proper dirty joke for a while but otherwise I don't see it as a great worry for me personally.


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## lypeaches (Aug 25, 2009)

Well, my move was from Canada to the US. Not exactly a huge leap, but a bit more than state to state. I would still move to another, *more* foreign country, but the requirements would be more stringent I guess. (I'd be much more inclined to move to say Italy, France or Spain....than Germany or Czechoslovakia).


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## lypeaches (Aug 25, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I've often considered moving internationally just for myself. I've had many prospects musically on the international stage that I don't really get to explore here in the states and thought to exploit them by moving. Issues like -- can I work and make enough to support myself there, how are my medical issues viewed and treated there, are buildings and public travel accessable for me, etc. weighed on my mind in pretty much the same way it does here. In fact I was more worried about all of that than I was about the language barrier. Most places have enough English speaking signs and people there to survive hacking the native language to pieces before I can master it beyond what I already know. I would not be able to argue politics or tell a proper dirty joke for a while but otherwise I don't see it as a great worry for me personally.



Me too, Lilly. The big issue always is, can I support myself. Till I figure out how I can do that I'll be keeping myself stateside, sadly.


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## jewels_mystery (Aug 25, 2009)

The posts about moving internationally made me think. I do not know if I would be able to make a move like that. Let alone speak to someone from another country. I am always concerned that guys who contact me from outside the US are scam artists. Its refreshing to see that some of the relationships are genuine.


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## lypeaches (Aug 25, 2009)

jewels_mystery said:


> The posts about moving internationally made me think. I do not know if I would be able to make a move like that. Let alone speak to someone from another country. I am always concerned that guys who contact me from outside the US are scam artists. Its refreshing to see that some of the relationships are genuine.



Jewels, your post makes me a little sad. There is so much to experience and to learn in the world, and to limit oneself just to American mates is....well, it's just limiting. I'll encourage you to give other people / cultures a chance! 

It's always good to have your guard up against scam artists...but there's plenty of those in America too.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 25, 2009)

jewels_mystery said:


> The posts about moving internationally made me think. I do not know if I would be able to make a move like that. Let alone speak to someone from another country. I am always concerned that guys who contact me from outside the US are scam artists. Its refreshing to see that some of the relationships are genuine.



Yeah, it's unfortunate that in the U.S., the scam artists are well-established banks and wall-street tycoons, rather than individual 'royal highnesses' (or their authorized agents) wishing to deposit large sums of money into your account and share the fortune for your trouble


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## lypeaches (Aug 25, 2009)

TraciJo, thanks for the laugh


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## jewels_mystery (Aug 25, 2009)

lypeaches said:


> Jewels, your post makes me a little sad. There is so much to experience and to learn in the world, and to limit oneself just to American mates is....well, it's just limiting. I'll encourage you to give other people / cultures a chance!
> 
> It's always good to have your guard up against scam artists...but there's plenty of those in America too.



It was not my intention to make anyone sad. I do date guys from other countries but they normally live in the US. I have two friends that had a bad experiences with dating internationally online. Call me jaded, but as soon as I hear a guy is from a certain country, I dismiss it. I admire people who take the leap and do it.


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## lypeaches (Aug 25, 2009)

Duly noted!


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## ThatFatGirl (Aug 25, 2009)

SparkGirl said:


> _*My mom always taught me, don't ever move, or move in with a man without a ring on your finger. That's the only advice I can think to give at the moment.*_



My mom's philosophy as well and when I'd hear such things from her, I'd kind of roll my eyes and think she just doesn't get it, or me or whatever.. but in my relationship with my husband who I dated LD for almost two years after meeting him in the chatroom here at Dims, the moment we decided it was time one of us (me) had to move to the other ASAP (there was never going to be a "best" or "right" time for it), we pretty much agreed I'd sell my house, quit my job and move in with him.. And I was really excited for about five minutes, then I imagined the conversation with my mom that would follow. Then I thought about his conservative Catholic parents too.. so I asked him, "How do you think your parents will take it when you tell them I'm moving in with you?" He said, not so well.. lol, and I said, "yeah, mine too. They would be much happier to hear we were getting married." Then he said, "Well, then why don't we?" So I basically passive aggressively forced a proposal at that moment. He gave me a ring at our next weekend together, six months later we got married and eight months more after that, I quit my job of nearly 10 years, put my house on the market and finally moved to be with him.

I would have moved without the ring, but the scariness level would have been even higher. Having it gave me confidence he was as serious about having me in his life for the long term as I was about him.


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## Tau (Aug 25, 2009)

Lucky said:


> Most Americans don't have so much experience with other cultures they're going to find a person they actually fall in love with. Falling in love has as much to do with what you have in common as what you don't.
> 
> That being said I got married spur of the moment in Vegas not even thinking it was going to mess up my former husband's visa. We had a few years of fixing the mess with the INS...it was worth it.



Really? That was a very interesting point. All of the people I've been involved with - there aren't legions mind you, just about 4 , were not from my country. In fact I've never even gone on a date with any South African men. If I were in a LDR it would mean serious uprooting. Also, I've always wanted to live in Alaska


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## Tau (Aug 25, 2009)

ThatFatGirl said:


> My mom's philosophy as well and when I'd hear such things from her, I'd kind of roll my eyes and think she just doesn't get it, or me or whatever.. but in my relationship with my husband who I dated LD for almost two years after meeting him in the chatroom here at Dims, the moment we decided it was time one of us (me) had to move to the other ASAP (there was never going to be a "best" or "right" time for it), we pretty much agreed I'd sell my house, quit my job and move in with him.. And I was really excited for about five minutes, then I imagined the conversation with my mom that would follow. Then I thought about his conservative Catholic parents too.. so I asked him, "How do you think your parents will take it when you tell them I'm moving in with you?" He said, not so well.. lol, and I said, "yeah, mine too. They would be much happier to hear we were getting married." Then he said, "Well, then why don't we?" So I basically passive aggressively forced a proposal at that moment. He gave me a ring at our next weekend together, six months later we got married and eight months more after that, I quit my job of nearly 10 years, put my house on the market and finally moved to be with him.
> 
> I would have moved without the ring, but the scariness level would have been even higher. Having it gave me confidence he was as serious about having me in his life for the long term as I was about him.



LOVE this story!


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## 1love_emily (Mar 14, 2011)

I would definitely move for love. I would.. totally.

Love is part of the reason I want to get my masters in Boulder, CO


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## rubenesquehunny (Mar 14, 2011)

Yes, a thousand times yes:wubu: The Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies :blush: I would move so fast his/her head would spin!!:wubu:


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## blueeyedevie (Mar 21, 2011)

Personally, traveling for love, well Moved for love is exactly what I did. H came and saw me January and Julys for two years. He would spend any where from a week to three with me. Then on the third year of us knowing each other I moved from Louisiana to New York. Was these visits enough to prepare us for living together.. NO NO NO!!! Moving for H, has been a very rocky path. While many things in my life have improved from 1 to 5 five being great, there are things that are still very rocky. Such as expectations change once you live together. Those long talk you had every day for years, just leave you feeling like you now know someone totally different. While I think traveling for love, Moving for love can work out. I think you need to be independent doing these things. Especially moving because you can end up feeling like your life has become someone else's who really doesn't care.


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## CastingPearls (Mar 21, 2011)

I was willing to do it twice. It worked well for a long time with one, and the other just fell apart before it actually happened. Once, someone moved for me. That worked well too while it lasted. 

It's not easy to get me to commit to anything. If I am committed to a person, and they to me, then I consider the individual and relocation absolutely worth the sacrifice.


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## coriander (Mar 22, 2011)

I was once in a semi-LDR. My ex lived in a somewhat of a rural area, and it was an ordeal to get out there to visit him, especially since I didn't have a car. We met online, and had lots of chemistry online, which followed through to when we met up...but, there were a whole lot of factors that came in to play in person that didn't apply online. It was fun, but it didn't last long at all, and eventually culminated in a train wreck. Before that ex-boyfriend, there was another guy that I had a brief thing with - same story, chemistry online, but things fell apart in person. 

With my current boyfriend, however (who I also met online...hehe), we didn't have much chemistry online. I decided to meet up with as a "what the hell" kind of thing, and I'm still dating him two years later. In person, we just got along like a house on fire (is that how the saying goes)?

Sooooo I guess what I'm trying to say is, based on my personal experience, I wouldn't agree to move in with someone I hadn't met in person yet. I guess I would visit them for a couple months or something first, to see how things played out. But I certainly wouldn't judge anyone who would choose to move in with their significant other right away, as I can't say what is the "right" choice for anyone other than myself. 

Wow, I think this was my longest post yet! :happy:


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 22, 2011)

coriander said:


> I was once in a semi-LDR. My ex lived in a somewhat of a rural area, and it was an ordeal to get out there to visit him, especially since I didn't have a car. We met online, and had lots of chemistry online, which followed through to when we met up...but, there were a whole lot of factors that came in to play in person that didn't apply online. It was fun, but it didn't last long at all, and eventually culminated in a train wreck. Before that ex-boyfriend, there was another guy that I had a brief thing with - same story, chemistry online, but things fell apart in person.
> 
> With my current boyfriend, however (who I also met online...hehe), we didn't have much chemistry online. I decided to meet up with as a "what the hell" kind of thing, and I'm still dating him two years later. In person, we just got along like a house on fire (is that how the saying goes)?
> 
> ...



And it was a good one! I read the whole thing and I'm a skimmer. Good points all.


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## Jes (Mar 22, 2011)

coriander said:


> Sooooo I guess what I'm trying to say is, based on my personal experience, I wouldn't agree to move in with someone I hadn't met in person yet. :



Since you did type the above, this may be a very naive question but ... do people actually do this? This just seems like a terrible idea to me, although I can think of 1 situation in which it did work out... but ... It's very mail-order bride/husband to me.


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## coriander (Mar 22, 2011)

LillyBBBW said:


> And it was a good one! I read the whole thing and I'm a skimmer. Good points all.



Aw, thanks! 



Jes said:


> Since you did type the above, this may be a very naive question but ... do people actually do this? This just seems like a terrible idea to me, although I can think of 1 situation in which it did work out... but ... It's very mail-order bride/husband to me.



I guess I should maybe have phrased that a bit differently...I was thinking of "moving" more broadly...like, not moving in with the person right away, but moving to the place where they live. And I have known a few people to express intent to do that (although, they never did follow through). However, I do know someone for whom someone moved recently (from another country). She moved in with him right away - but then again, this wasn't a purely online situation, they had known each other since childhood and have a "history" and stuff.


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## Fallenangel2904 (Mar 22, 2011)

If you asked me this a year ago I would have said with out a doubt yes and gushed about love and holding on to that person and blah blah blah. A year later I am much more realistic. My last relationship was a LDR and I had every intention of moving after I finished school. We talked about getting a place, all of that. Things were pretty serious and I think had we still been together when I graduated I probably would have gone. Since the end of that relationship however, its kind of like a little light bulb when off and was like UM NO! I'm glad it never escalated to that point because if I would have uprooted my whole life only to have it not work out I would have been devastated. At this point, I would have to know for certain that I was really going to be with that person long term, and take things extremely slow, otherwise I couldn't justify a move- especially if it were a long distance. I say I want to leave where I am, but to leave everything I know and love for a guy just seems wrong to me now.


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## Saoirse (Mar 22, 2011)

I know any future husband i take will be from my town or the ones surrounding it. I figure... I have so many awesome friends from my area, I should be able to find one that can put up with my temper.


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 23, 2011)

I think also that it depends on the line of work someone is in. A lot of jobs are extremely transferable. A musician friend of mine moved to Germany to live with a man who turned out to be a total prick. She was with him for a few years before moving out into her own place. She's still in Germany dating someone else now but she's had FABULOUS career success that she would not have had here. Depending on the field someone is in they can easily pick up and move someplace else to work. In many ways it is encouraged and a budding new relationship is just the spark one needs to get moving. If the relationship bombs who cares? Not a big deal if you're getting gigs. 

In a long distance realationship I would probably be the one required to move because I don't really have a 'career' per se. If my beloved is the local fire chief for example I wouldn't expect him to leave his job to come starve next to me on the couch here in Boston. It would be very easy for me to plug in someplace else granted there's a market there. If you don't really have much going for you where you live, moving would probably be a good idea anyway even without the relationship. It can't get much worse unless you're moving in with Charlie Sheen.


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## JMNYC (Mar 23, 2011)

How about staying put for love?

I met my now-spouse after finding a two-bedroom apartment in Nashville, packing up most of my stuff, and wrapping up loose ends before the move date.

We met and after a month, I couldn't leave. Told me landlord I was staying...and stayed.

On topic, though, sure I would move for love, but it would have to be Paris due to my love for arts music theatre as well as musicians writers dancers artists kooks nuts etc.


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## Fallenangel2904 (Mar 23, 2011)

LillyBBBW said:


> It can't get much worse unless you're moving in with Charlie Sheen.



LMAO definitely the line of the whole thread!


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## Filly (Mar 24, 2011)

I would be willing to move for love. If you had asked this same question a few short years ago, I would have said 'No Way!' - my career was too important to me. However, I've since changed my mind and would be willing to relocate for love, on the assumption that the job market in the area was stable. 

In a twisted kind of way, I feel "weak" for admitting I would leave my well paying and secure job if some man came along and swept me off my feet. As a strong, independent woman I shouldn't allow a man to cloud my judgement, or influence me mentally - lure me away from my job to a place I don't know. Right?? However for me and where I am in my life right now, I would move for love. I enjoy my job, but my job is no longer my life. I suppose my priorities have changed a bit, and I'm still now coming to terms with this mental shift. I have few friends where I live (most have moved away); no family; no real ties other than my job. 

All this being said, I can totally understand why other women (and men) would be reluctant to relocate for love. Particularly in the US, where it seems job security is at such a premium that it's a HUGE risk to resign a position without any other jobs lined up. 

For me though, this is all hypothetical as I haven't been in a position where I have had to choose between staying put or relocating to try a relationship with someone elsewhere. Maybe if that scenario ever arose I would think differently!! It's a big leap of faith to simply pack up and move to another city/state/country for the sake of love. What if it didn't work out? What if it did? Perhaps it's a matter of weighing up the pros and cons.


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## truebebeblue (Mar 24, 2011)

I moved to Pittsburgh in February with a very newborn baby to be with my man.. It's working out well. Previously I had two LDRs.. One worked out and one epically did not... I travelled to England for that. I may be a silly romantic but I say love is worth it


True


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## budbunny (Mar 24, 2011)

Yes and no ? It would be extremely difficult for me to leave my family and life behind...but love knows no geographic boundary. I'm going out to Cali in May to meet up with someone that I like...and then we'll see from there. No use in thinking about uprooting my life until it gets to that point


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## EMH1701 (Mar 24, 2011)

No. I just started going for my MBA, and I have to stay at my company for a year after I finish it, or I have to pay them back *all* the financial aid. So, no. At least, not until I can.


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## SSBBW Katerina (Mar 24, 2011)

I did it once yrs ago, and i was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.

I tried it again beginning a year and a half ago. Now I'm sorry I did because even w/ little resources I'm doing everything:
-- I initiate the emails.
-- I send the letters.
-- He has the orgasms..... I don't.
-- I check on him and ask how his mom, whom has cancer, is doing and to give her my best though she doesn't know me. I'm sensitive to things like that because I lost my hubby to cancer.
-- I care. He clearly doesn't.
-- I show genuine interest in his projects, speaking engagements, remind him to print out his sheet music and to rehearse, etc.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder..... and impatient. My funds are strained if not nil. But I love him very much and have a job opportunity there where he is. But I have to obtain the proper forms & documents, letters, etc. along with the expensive fees to submit everything to the Canadian Consulate in D.C. or NYC whichever is closer [D.C. for me]. Its frustrating. I've no printer; i'd print the damn forms myself [boyfriend is too 'busy' to print everything out and mail them to me]. I can't get to a library to pay to have it printed out. 

On paper, he's a catch and we're great-- when we're together. But oy. I still want to move to Toronto to be w/ him, live and work there legit. He wants me there, but he needs to start stepping up and help if he wants me there so badly. Otherwise, I'll need to have a good cry again, chalk it up to yet another guy from Toronto that's broken my heart, move on and create a plan 'B', 'C' and 'D'.

I really love him. But I think back to the pics of his ex wife that i saw prior to their divorce from 3 yrs ago. She looked so sad, depressed, tired and just plain unhappy. I recall asking him, "What the hell did u do to her? She looks haggard, washed out and miserable!".

And get this, he said, back during December when I was briefly in Toronto, after I arrived and he dumped me in a hotel **[JAYDOG, if you're reading this you can confirm this story. I PM'd you on DIMS from the hotel after this transpired] and was 'scared to visit me', he'd rather come to the states to visit me. I sobbed and cried on the phone, begging him to visit me at the hotel. But he was cold, unfeeling, aloof, insensitive and didn't give a sh1t. He later said "I was sick. Inexcusable for his actions. I was super ill too. He gave me the flu, which he caught on biz in Italy, when I was there for a full week in November the week of my b'day. Douchebag!! He didn't want me at the house out of fear what his attorney would say since he's still fighting a botched up prenup and I wasn't totally aware of all the legal, detailed stuff. He should've known. He's lived in Toronto for over 30 yrs. and eventually received citizenship. He's a native New Yorker/ Connecticut kid. He had to deal w/ that before he got there.

I'm aggravated and not sure what I'm doing / have to do. What I do know is that I need an ideal guy that suits my tastes that'll love me unconditionally. And move the hell outta the Commonwealth of Virginia asap and to a city I'd like and could quickly learn to get around in via public transportation since I cannot drive. This sucks but I've gotta cut bait. I'm better off alone and just search for attractive, 'LOCAL' friends with benefits' that have their own place, live alone and have a car.

It just hurts, especially having invested so much time, energy, my heart in this man. Let him continue fawning over his 3 cats cuz that's the only pussy he's gonna get. Sad thing is, he's so oblivious and wouldn't care. Its ALL ABOUT HIM. Its the david show. Inconsiderate, heartless prick. I'm so glad I never posted a pic in the 'COUPLES THREAD'. I would look like a nimrod for sure. No more LDRs for me. It always ends up one sided w/ one person trying to make it work.

signed,
Vexed in Virginia:doh:


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## Shosh (Mar 25, 2011)

Katerina I am so sorry that you have had to put up with such shoddy treatment at the hands of this man.
It must hurt so much to have invested so much of your time, and your very heart and soul into this man, only to have him behave in such a terrible manner.
You are a beautiful and intelligent woman, I see that from your postings here.
Any real man would be proud to call you his soulmate, and be proud to have you on his arm.

He IS out there. Believe that.

xo


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 25, 2011)

SSBBW Katerina said:


> I did it once yrs ago, and i was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.
> 
> I tried it again beginning a year and a half ago. Now I'm sorry I did because even w/ little resources I'm doing everything:
> -- I initiate the emails.
> ...



Katerina you know what everyone is going to say but I'm going to say it anyway. :shocked: RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! :shocked: OMG, what's he going to be like five years from now if you are still with this man? And I do SO know that it is like asking you to sever an arm. I've been there, stayed way too long and it took me a long time to finally break free. But omg girlie..... you are so beautiful and so smart. You deserve and can do so much better or you can do bad all by yourself. Sending you sisterly vibes of love and strength. :wubu: 

Please run.


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## SSBBW Katerina (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you for your kind, understanding words of wisdom and encouragement. I'll heed them.

And to the available, good hearted, earnest *men* out there that might be sincere, reliable, dependable, not a self absorbed schmuck and fit what I'm looking for, and you're profile is in order with pics of yourself on it and you're not a photo fiend, bet ages 44-56 , good build [i'm big enough for both of us], 5'10"-6'2", clean shaven and dig classical- hip hop- some rock & pop music , and reside alone within a 200 mile radius of me then shoot me a message w/ ur email and details about yourself.

I'm good to a new home asap lol, housebroken, super affectionate:wubu:, don't eat much despite what you see, very quiet, can do tricks [ ], and if i eat chocolate u won't have to rush me to the vet.

I'm still blue and pissed off though, peeps. I need to auction off my 'rose coloured glasses'.:blush:

Ciao,
Katerina


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## truebebeblue (Mar 25, 2011)

SSBBW Katerina said:


> I did it once yrs ago, and i was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.
> 
> I tried it again beginning a year and a half ago. Now I'm sorry I did because even w/ little resources I'm doing everything:
> -- I initiate the emails.
> ...



OH WOW. 

This reads SOOOO close to my previously mentioned epic LDR fail. Except replace Canada with England. You are doing it all and that says EVERYTHING.
You cannot love him enough to make up for the fact that he doesn't love you back. If he did he would be doing everything he could to get you there. It happens I promise. I am proof even after going through this same kind of thing myself I found a great guy and you can too. 
SCARED AND FLU my ass! He doesn't care ENOUGH and that is not ok.


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## Tania (Mar 25, 2011)

I've never moved to be with someone, but I did let my ex-husband talk me into moving us to Phoenix, and it was a huge, huge mistake. Then again, so was the entire relationship, which I guess is the material point. I think a lot of people assume that their lives/relationships will transform with a change of scene and society, and as you guys all know, that's not quite how it works. 

Katerina, you are very wise to get out now; he's already trouble, and you are so, so, so correct that it's only going to get worse. Congratulations on an excellent, albeit difficult, choice. 

As for the original question, I'm pretty much of Laura's mindset. I'm free and willing to try for the right situation. I will always have someplace to come back to if I need it, and my job here, while respectable and extremely well-paying, is not precisely what I need nor is it what I want to be doing forever.


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## 1love_emily (Mar 25, 2011)

I feel like moving for love is like moving for anything else you do - if you're willing to pack up and move off for a new job or college, then I think you could be able to pack up and move off for love.

I understand people and their desire to stay where they are comfortable. But if we were able to stay where we were comfortable all the time, we'd still be in the womb. I feel like the world is presented to us as a chance to explore and learn new things and meet new people and have new experiences.

Just like I'm moving off for college, I'd be willing to move away for love. My parents would love me just the same if I said I want to go to Tahiti for romance or go to University of Tahiti. You have to be responsible for yourself and be able to admit when you need help. But if you can, you will. If you can't, you won't.


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## Yakatori (Mar 25, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> ..is like moving for anything else you do. You have to be responsible for yourself and be able to admit when you need help. But if you can, you will. If you can't, you won't.



^^I think you're onto something here. But it begs another question, as to whether or not a person can really determine what can and can't responsibly do when they're automatically closed to certain possibilities. When they choose to stop evaluating certain contingencies, which, I expect, everyone must do at some point. It gives me an idea for another thread, too. Unless it might fit into the confines of this topic.


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## SSBBW Katerina (Mar 26, 2011)

truebebeblue said:


> OH WOW.
> 
> This reads SOOOO close to my previously mentioned epic LDR fail. Except replace Canada with England. You are doing it all and that says EVERYTHING.
> You cannot love him enough to make up for the fact that he doesn't love you back. If he did he would be doing everything he could to get you there. It happens I promise. I am proof even after going through this same kind of thing myself I found a great guy and you can too.
> SCARED AND FLU my ass! He doesn't care ENOUGH and that is not ok.



Exactly, TrueBebeBlue,

You're correct. And all I can hear playing in my head is that classic Bonnie Raitt song, I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME [If You Don't]. Too bad it couldn't be her other one, Let's Give 'Em Somethin' To Talk About.

I hate fake, phony, lackadaisical, selfish, hurtful people. I'm getting tired of this. I'm getting too old for this shit! We're all getting too old for rubbish. Truly considering becoming asexual.


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## CarlaSixx (Mar 26, 2011)

I think deep down I always knew I'd one day move for love, but I didn't come to terms with it until veeeeery recently. Now I'm just tying up loose ends before I do it. And having to find the one for whom I'd move home.


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## Hathor (Apr 3, 2011)

I would totally move for love. But he has to be willing to make some big choices too. 

I'm lucky that I can pretty much go anywhere with my job because it offers a lot of freedom. I also have wanted to move from Michigan for the longest time, so to do it for love instead of just a need to get away is a great reason.


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## paintsplotch (Apr 3, 2011)

ive done LDR. 
they arent easy.... my personal experience was that i did alot of the work and communicating but didnt get much in return.
ive always been willing to do what it takes for the right person.... but i find as i get older, and my responsibilities to my family become more of a focus.... parents get old and such....... i am less likely to move for love. sigh.
i do have a job that pays very well.
i have family and friends well established.
i would do just about anything for the ones i love.
but moving for someone..... even if i was in love..... would be very difficult for me now. 
i just dont think i could leave knowing i am the primary caretaker for my mom as she gets older. it just seems wrong.
so alas.... i suppose unless he was willing to be the one to move, i will have to hope i meet someone closer to where i live. damn.


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## AuntHen (Apr 26, 2011)

I would and *did *travel for love (to visit). Is it worth it? Yes. Because the person is worth it! I would move for this person too...

Long distance relationships are hard hard hard but I would not change meeting and knowing the person for anything! I can't imagine my life without him


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## CastingPearls (Apr 26, 2011)

fat9276 said:


> I would and *did *travel for love (to visit). Is it worth it? Yes. Because the person is worth it! I would move for this person too...
> 
> Long distance relationships are hard hard hard but I would not change meeting and knowing the person for anything! I can't imagine my life without him


I have to agree with this. It has its pitfalls but if you go in with eyes wide open and that person truly returns your affection even if you have to make big sacrifices then it's worth at least trying. Someone very wise said to me in a birthday card I got yesterday, 'Life is too short.........' and I agree. I'm willing to give it a shot.


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## jewels_mystery (Apr 26, 2011)

I would move. I have a rule for ldr, one has to move within a year. Even then, I would move into my own place first. I was going to move to another state for love once. But he couldn't understand that I wanted to live in my own place for a couple of months and not move directly in with him. He gave an ultimatum and I called him on it.


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## mossystate (Apr 26, 2011)

Only if the area I was moving to was a place I would truly want to live. I like Jewels' idea of having your own place for a bit of time. When you live close to the other person, you can hang out more often and for longer periods of time, allowing more of who they are to come out. Nothing is a guarantee, but as I am older, the idea of going where I have no family ( well, those members of my family I actually like being around...lol ) and it not being a city I can see myself flying solo in...eeeek...no. Now, he can come to me...that is always OK. I am a pragmatic romantic...except when I'm not.


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## Lamia (Apr 26, 2011)

I met my guy online and moved from Illinois to Ohio to be with him. He has two kids, but no other family. I didn't want him to move away from them so I moved there. About 3 years into the relationship the step-father joined the military and they moved to Seattle WA. So Jim and I were in Columbus with no family, but lots of friends. We had a very active social life. 

After 8 years we decided to move back to Illinois so I could be close to my family. I have a lot of people in my family and extended family. I paid on my storage unit for a year going back every couple of months and getting a load of crap. 

Two days after we went up and got the last load out of storage the Ex-Wife announces she is moving to the city we just left. 

Seriously?? WTF!?

I have a good job here and we're doing great financially, but he can't see his son. His daughter got married and moved to NC. His son is supposed to spend summers with us, but he's playing football now so will be practicing etc.


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## luvbigfellas (Apr 27, 2011)

I moved away from my birthplace, the place I grew up, to be with a guy. Big mistake. Of course, I was 18, and thus quite dumb.

I'm 29 now, and if I had any sort of money at all, I might consider it. Might. I think at first, I'd probably just travel to said location for awhile and see where it went from there. 

But then again, who knows. Life is a journey. It's not so much the destination as it is how you get there.


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## 1love_emily (Apr 28, 2011)

I am traveling for love! I'm going to Denver to meet up with this guy who I've been wanting to meet for years! AND I FINALLY GET TO 

I'm so excited :blush:


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## toni (Apr 29, 2011)

No, I wouldn't. That is the main reasons I have a no online dating policy.


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## 1love_emily (Apr 30, 2011)

HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP.

It will be one week till I finally get to see him. Only 7 more days, then I can finally just look at him without the confines of a computer.

Oh goodness, this will be the longest week ever.


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