# Confessions of a Former Feedee



## Dolce (May 10, 2010)

Oh dear Lord, I hope I do not get flamed for this. 

As I sit here eating a bowl of fresh strawberries, it weighs heavily on my mind that I -gasp- used to be a feedee. But for mental, physical, and spiritual reasons I can no longer engage in that lifestyle. Still, those same old feelings run deep and no matter how much I try to shut the feedee fantasies out of my mind, they are always lurking in the background. 

I wonder if there are others out there like me, with a great fondness for fat yet are unable to act on those desires. 

Sometimes I see men who are personal trainers or otherwise involved in health and activity post on the boards. I can truly empathize with that feeling of being pulled in both directions. I love to be healthy, active, and yes - slim (which I am not). Yet like a child to it's favorite blanket, I always come back to this comfortable feeling.


----------



## LoveBHMS (May 11, 2010)

Why should you get flamed for it? 

Just because you're turned on by something does not mean you're going to practice it in real life. It's entirely possible for some people to use just fantasy or online activity to satisfy a particular sexual need whereas some have to be fat or have a fat partner in order to feel totally satisfied. I'm sure even active feedees who engage in feederism as a lifestyle will say it's not for everyone and that there are challenges that go along with it.

For what it's worth, i'd say you're still a feedee whether or not you're actively engaging in being fed or gaining.


----------



## the hanging belly (May 11, 2010)

Dolce said:


> Oh dear Lord, I hope I do not get flamed for this.
> 
> As I sit here eating a bowl of fresh strawberries, it weighs heavily on my mind that I -gasp- used to be a feedee. But for mental, physical, and spiritual reasons I can no longer engage in that lifestyle. Still, those same old feelings run deep and no matter how much I try to shut the feedee fantasies out of my mind, they are always lurking in the background.
> 
> ...



I'm not really a feedee, though I'm open to it, but I've always considered myself more of a gainer. But I'm like that too, I really want to gain, but after 300lbs my body started telling me 'no more'. And now i have a boyfriend I want to try and get into shape so I may one day be able to have children easier. I love being fat, and I wish I could be bigger, but for now at least I don't think I should induge my fantasies of extreme weight gain. Maybe I'll leave that for when I'm older.


----------



## Tad (May 11, 2010)

You are far from alone in feeling those desires, but choosing not to indulge the desire for whatever reason. Right from my first erotic fantasies I've been into gaining weight, but my life has never made that a wise choice (perhaps I never chose to push my life in a way where substantial gaining would fit in). I'm sure I'm somewhat heavier than I'd be without these desires....but I'm also sure I'm at least a hundred pounds smaller than what appeals.

And I agree: you are still a feedee, in terms of what you want, just not in terms of what you are choosing to do. 

Good luck struggling with it.....from my experience the conflicting desires never really go away, but you do get more used to that little battle in your head.


----------



## Dolce (May 11, 2010)

Tad said:


> And I agree: you are still a feedee, in terms of what you want, just not in terms of what you are choosing to do.
> 
> Good luck struggling with it.....from my experience the conflicting desires never really go away, but you do get more used to that little battle in your head.



Thank you for your response... 

I suppose there comes a point in a persons life where they realize they cannot shut off certain drives and must integrate all facets of their being without being dominated by any one desire or need. I have tried to turn off my fantasies but I find that it makes me weird and lacking in compassion for others, which is not my true self. That being said, I hope and pray to find someone that I can one day share all my 'true colors' with. While balance is good, being stifled is not. I sometimes feel autistic in that I am unable to connect with people, because I see the world in such a strange way.

edit: Not that I do not try to socialize. I have many 'friends', but I find that people mainly talk about themselves and live in little bubbles that I am unable to penetrate. Is it just me or is the world rife with narcissism? Oh now I'm onto another topic altogether...


----------



## Tad (May 11, 2010)

I agree that it may create a certain distance from most others.....but I've always lived with that, so I don't really have a good reference for how else it could be.


----------



## ThinkingFA (May 25, 2010)

I can empathize, though I come at this from a different angle. My wife and I used to play around with feeding. Other than that she just ate what she wanted when she wanted. She had been a little over 300 pounds at one point. 

One of the worst days of my life was when she saw an internist who expressed concern about elevated (but not unhealthy) blood pressure and some early signs of fatty liver. It can lead to cirrhosis or hepatitis, so something likely needed to be done. 

She's lost 100 pounds, and while I'm proud of her accomplishment, it conflicts with who I am at the deepest level. I carry guilt for not being supportive and for what is essentially objectification. 

I am sure she needed to do this, but she looks like a deflated balloon, and I can feel bones now. I used to fantasize about her getting well beyond 300 pounds. Now I have to shut all that off. I can't talk to anyone because noone would get it. I am fighting a part of myself that I struggled to accept for years.


----------



## Aurora (May 25, 2010)

OH man, this thread hits me right here. *pats at her heart*

I'm also a former gainer/feedee. It feels weird for me to put that "former" there. I had to stop for some very real health reasons. I could deal with taking a blood pressure pill. I could deal with irregular periods. What I couldn't deal with was pseudotumor cerebri, when I had to undergo an MRI and two spinal taps (and another two years later), everything really came clear.

It really sucks. For anyone here who knows my history, you know I've loved being fat since I was a kid. I started gaining purposely for pleasure when I was 9 years old. When something like this is so far ingrained into who you are as a person, you can't just let it go, even when you need to.

I'm always gonna be a fat girl. I'm happy for that, but I'm also accepting of the fact that I'm never going to see 400 pounds (I was 370 once, now I'm under 340). There's always fantasy though, and some day I'd like to model again, even if I can't compete with the girls who are still putting on pounds. I'm doing my best to be confident in myself, and it's been a struggle since having to reevaluate everything I am and everything I'm doing.

So I hear you all. Great topic. *group hug*


----------



## ThinkingFA (May 26, 2010)

I was all ready to pull the trigger on not necessarily weight-related. Then I looked it up. It's interesting how conditioned I've become to knee jerk reactions like this. My response was the same to my wife's fatty liver. 

Ultimately, you're doing the right thing. When you have a risk factor that you know is causing a problem, you have to manage it. If a small problem has the potential to become a big problem some day, you have to deal with it. Denial doesn't make it any less true.

Still, it's a struggle for me. I'm ashamed at what a slave I've become to my ideas of attractiveness and pleasure. At the heart of it, I know my wife is a gift from God. My feelings about her weight loss are on some level a rejection of His gift. I hope I can come to a place again where I see her and treat her as the gift she truly is.


----------



## imfree (May 26, 2010)

ThinkingFA said:


> I was all ready to pull the trigger on not necessarily weight-related. Then I looked it up. It's interesting how conditioned I've become to knee jerk reactions like this. My response was the same to my wife's fatty liver.
> 
> Ultimately, you're doing the right thing. When you have a risk factor that you know is causing a problem, you have to manage it. If a small problem has the potential to become a big problem some day, you have to deal with it. Denial doesn't make it any less true.
> 
> *Still, it's a struggle for me. I'm ashamed at what a slave I've become to my ideas of attractiveness and pleasure. At the heart of it, I know my wife is a gift from God. My feelings about her weight loss are on some level a rejection of His gift. I hope I can come to a place again where I see her and treat her as the gift she truly is.*


 
I painfully agree. I let that exact thing destroy my love for my
wife. Our lives have changed much in the 11 years my Ex and
I have been apart, so I don't see us ever reuniting, but I do
like her as a person and honor her as my son's mother. God
is good and His Mercy is unfathomable.:bow:


----------



## KHayes666 (May 27, 2010)

Aurora said:


> OH man, this thread hits me right here. *pats at her heart*
> 
> I'm also a former gainer/feedee. It feels weird for me to put that "former" there. I had to stop for some very real health reasons. I could deal with taking a blood pressure pill. I could deal with irregular periods. What I couldn't deal with was pseudotumor cerebri, when I had to undergo an MRI and two spinal taps (and another two years later), everything really came clear.
> 
> ...




Don't mean to hijack Dolce's thread but this made me spit out the root beer I had been drinking.

You never had to or ever have to compete with gaining girls. You are beautiful in your own way and your personality made you a very fun person to check up on and support. 370, 340, 240 you'd always look good.

I can't speak for anyone else but myself but I'm sure there are other guys who will agree that you look great no matter what and there's no competition for being a sweetheart.


----------



## Jes (May 27, 2010)

ThinkingFA said:


> One of the worst days of my life was when she saw an internist who expressed concern about elevated (but not unhealthy) blood pressure and some early signs of fatty liver. .



I'm curious and would like to ask: can you explain what made this experience one of the worst of your life? thanks.


----------



## ThinkingFA (May 27, 2010)

It's telling me things about myself that I never would have thought were true. I thought I could be open-minded about this, and I'm not. I've also been confronted with the truth of how much I've objectified her. It's one of the worst because of the shame and guilty I feel.


----------



## Jes (May 27, 2010)

ThinkingFA said:


> It's telling me things about myself that I never would have thought were true. I thought I could be open-minded about this, and I'm not. I've also been confronted with the truth of how much I've objectified her. It's one of the worst because of the shame and guilty I feel.


thanks for your honesty.


----------



## ThinkingFA (May 27, 2010)

I have nothing to hide. I just want to move past this and support my wife.


----------



## Totmacher (May 29, 2010)

I really don't think of this as a thread of confessions. At least, it shouldn't be. Not here. Everyone has fantasies, and reality often gets in the way. You can choose to live with it, or you can choose to try and fight it.

Aurora, you're a beautiful person in every way *HUGS* . I've got a fantasy or two involving you, but I know that the reality is that you need to do what's right for Aurora. You don't need to listen to anyone who can't get that straight.


----------



## Russell Williams (May 29, 2010)

In the past I was ashamed of being an FA. Not because of social stigma but because I felt guilty about getting so much enjoyment from a condition ( being fat and getting fatter) that made a woman's life more difficult. ( I had and have no interest in fat men so the guilt issue did not enter that situation)

(not ashamed of social stigma because of my tastes- In a small segregated town, in Sunday School, when I was in about the 8th grade, I stated that i would not rule out a black woman as a marrage partner- in those days they had special names for such people and I was given that name.- compared to that inflamatory statement, saying that I found fat women to be sexy was nothing worthy of note)

Finally, after enough study, I decided that most attemps by a person to make themselves thinner (days before massive amounts of WLS) will only make them fatter so I might as well enjoy the beautiful women as they were and are rather then out of compashion try to get them to diet. 

If someone is actually dieting I am willing to support them, but if women who know me well hear me talking they are likely to say, "Yah Russell I know what you are up to, you are just trying to get them fatter in the long run."


----------



## GermanChris (Jun 25, 2010)

I really think you´re doing right, Aurora.
Your fans can be happy that you will stay fat at least.

Chris




Aurora said:


> OH man, this thread hits me right here. *pats at her heart*
> 
> I'm also a former gainer/feedee. It feels weird for me to put that "former" there. I had to stop for some very real health reasons. I could deal with taking a blood pressure pill. I could deal with irregular periods. What I couldn't deal with was pseudotumor cerebri, when I had to undergo an MRI and two spinal taps (and another two years later), everything really came clear.
> 
> ...


----------



## cl6672 (May 17, 2012)

Dolce said:


> Oh dear Lord, I hope I do not get flamed for this.
> 
> As I sit here eating a bowl of fresh strawberries, it weighs heavily on my mind that I -gasp- used to be a feedee. But for mental, physical, and spiritual reasons I can no longer engage in that lifestyle. Still, those same old feelings run deep and no matter how much I try to shut the feedee fantasies out of my mind, they are always lurking in the background.
> 
> ...



Dolce, you're absolutely not alone. Fat is erotic. Fat is sexy. Fat is beautiful. Its the way some are wired and it is impossible to supress those intensely powerful intimate feelings.


----------



## KHayes666 (May 17, 2012)

cl6672 said:


> Dolce, you're absolutely not alone. Fat is erotic. Fat is sexy. Fat is beautiful. Its the way some are wired and it is impossible to supress those intensely powerful intimate feelings.



Is there a reason why you jacked a 2 year old thread to tell her that its ok to be fat after she already posted she's trying to eat healthier?


----------

