# Partner's weight loss and your reactions/feelings



## brainman (Sep 27, 2008)

*First, the questions, then the explanation behind them:*
What would you do/feel if your partner lost weight and you just wanted him/her to gain instead? Would it affect your feelings for him/her og could you just live with it? I've heard of people who just couldn't live with their partner's loss and left them. Would you do the same? Would you still be attracted to your partner?
Have you had any experince about this yourself or are you just guessing what you would do?

*Now, to the explanation:*
Well, I think I have to admit that I'm an FA - and a feeder to some extent, too, though I have an upper limit at about 300-330lbs, I think. Since I met my wife, she has put on almost 100lbs. Here this summer she reached her highest, 264lbs. She had been gaining the last 40 lbs on purpuse just to please me, and, OH ME OH MY, I was pleased! I just couldn't stop saying nice things to her, spoiling her and so on. She indeed enjoyed all my attention but she didn't like her figure. I tried but she was not able to look at herself in the mirror with my eyes. She just saw a way too fat girl with a way too big belly in the mirror and her mother also started saying not very nice things to her about her size. She was getting very sad and especially when she saw herself in a mirror or in a shop window. She managed to keep her sadness partly inside herself so I didn't see very much of it.

One day I met a woman on a chat. She was a feedee and I let my wife chat a bit with her. I thought she would get a god experience from this, but no, I shouldn't have done that. It just made her more sad and she started a forum thread on a forum for women here in Denmark where she told about me fattening her up and that se just didn't like it and wanted to stop. She let me read it and the answers she got (those were not very nice all of them, and especially not those directed at me), and I understood that she did not like her size. Something happened inside me, because where I didn't have success in showing her her own body seen with my eyes, _I_ now saw her body with _her_ eyes and it made me very sad.

I know that it has been naive of me to hope that some day she would enjoy her gain but I guess I'm not the only feeder who has made this mistake.
I agreed to let her lose all the weight she wanted, although I hate to see her weight just melt away. Since the 1st of July she has lost 23lbs, down to 241 and she continues at a speed of 2lbs a week.

I really, really try to just live with her loss, but it is definitely not easy. My thoughts are rotating about it very often, and it's so difficult to act normally when being together with her. Now I just want her to lose her weight as fast as possible, partly to sort of punish myself. I've lost a lot of appetite myself and has lost around 20lbs myself also. She doesn't like that but I can't help it. I'm very angry with her mother who said rude things to her. I'm angry with the whole Western community and its ridiculous beauty norms making voluptuous women feel guilty.

In addition to that I have difficulties to feel attracted to her. What should I feel? If enjoy her curves I enjoy something that she doesn't like and that just makes me sad. If I don't enjoy them I go straight against my nature. I really don't know what to do. I think the result of all this is me acting like an angry little spoiled kid who didn't get the goodies it wanted. I feel so stupid and I also feel that I'm a not very good husband. My love for her ought to be more important than her fulfilling my fantasies. I feel sorry for her and I really want to be a good husband for her.

I say all this to create som attention about this also, and I want to see what other people have been doing and thinking in a situation like mine.

Good advice is welcomed.


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## gnoom (Sep 27, 2008)

brainman said:


> What would you do/feel if your partner lost weight and you just wanted him/her to gain instead?
> 
> Good advice is welcomed.



Personally i would take it as a needed change. 

(But that wouldn't keep me from complaining all the time and from telling her that it's a shame to waste all those food she once ate. *evil grin*)

A good advice? Wooho, that's difficult. I think you basicaly did everything right. What would you have won if you were married to a fat but unhappy wife? Right, nothing. (Yeah, neither your wife would't have won more if she'd be skinny and married to an unhappy man...)
The thing is - umm, well - you know, i see it like a scar over your partner's chest. My wife had one, a really big, bold one. Frist you are offended, you want to have the "virgin" place between her boobies back, then you remember where this scar comes from, where she had to be in life to get this scar and finally you will learn to live with it, maybe to love it. What i want to say is that fat isn't made for everybody.

And hey (1): If she CAN gain so easily by choice, she WILL sometimes anyway by her genes.
And hey (2): Your mother in law will pass away sometimes anyway.


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## Tad (Sep 27, 2008)

Been there, live with that.....my story differs from yours in the details, but is similar in many respects.

About all I can say is that you get used to it. I don't know that I'll ever prefer it, but it is what is right for her, so I just hold back a certain sadness on teh subject inside myself......and over time I notice it less. 

*shrug* I wish I had a more positive answer, but I think it is just something that you have to live with.


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## Fascinita (Sep 27, 2008)

You say you married her 100 lbs ago. What, then is the problem with her losing those 100 lbs and returning to her previous weight? You *married* her when she weighed 100 lbs *less*. 

Am I missing something? Or maybe there's some kind of special rules of logic that apply to this situation that I'm not familiar with? You married her when she weighed a lot less, and now you claim that you can't be attracted to her at a lower weight. Sorry. Does not compute. 

But perhaps there's something you're not sharing that might help explain what's really going on. Perhaps related to your meeting women in chat?


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## brainman (Sep 28, 2008)

It's good to read your thoughts on this topic, because they help me supporting my wife instead of sinking into egoism, complaining and bad mood.

*@gnoom*
Yes, I think I just have to get accustomed to this. I've decided to let her lose weight till she's tired of it and actually wants a pound or two back. Then I've gotten rid of my bad consciousness, hopefully. I have to live with what you're saying: "fat isn't made for everybody".

heh, yes, deep inside the most primitive parts lies a not very kind wish about my step mother's passing away or putting on so much weight that she can't complain about my wife. My own parents are no problem. I've discovered that my own father is an FA, too, so when my parents are visiting us, he's keeping her content when we sit around the coffee table. That's kinda funny.

There's also that little voice in the back of my head wishing that she'll put it all back on again. I would like it, yes, but could I live with it? Maybe. My wife has said to me that it's easier for her to accept extra weight if she knows that it's her own fault. In reality, however, it's very difficult to discern what's her fault and what's my fault. So my bad consciousness will not get an easy time if she gains back some weight. It would be even very difficult to enjoy her curves and not wish that there were more of them. This would make the bad consciousness put up its nasty little head and I would get sad again. It's not going to be easy. But I would enjoy her regaining the weightm that's for sure.

*@edx*
That's what I've been thinking myself, so I will just say thanks for your two cents on this. The sad part of it is that I've never been able to hide my feelings. She can see straight through me when it comes to feelings. But I'll try.

*@Fascinata*
You've got a point and a good one of those. I've said this to myself - and even to her to make her feel better about her loss - many times but it just not seems to work. I've been looking at old photos of her, thinking that she was also very beautiful back then. In my eyes she has always been very beautiful. She was just even more beautiful at her highest. The feeling of her in my arms was just...indescribable: So soft, so comfortable, so wonderful and more that I can't find words for. Some of this feeling will disappear whether I want it to or not.

Well, I surely WILL be attracted to her at any weight, but my thoughts are churning around in my head, making it difficult to focus on her as she is right now. To try to make up an example: She's lost all 100lbs and maybe even more as she was chubby already when we met. I hug her or go to bed with her. I'm attracted to her and show it. Then a little voice pops up when I touch her, reminding me how it was when she was bigger. Then my bad consciuosness wakes up and put the voice to silence, all this making my mood drop below the "happy-couple-cuddling-and-kissing-limit", such spoiling the moment.

I actually think that I'm sharing as much as I possibly can do. My chatting with others is only caused by. I don't want other women than my wife and I've not been searching for them either. What i WAS searching for was knowledge. Here in Demark I've met only VERY few feeders, FA's, feedees and other fat-positive people, so I've felt a bit lonely and ... wrong. I was curiuos to know what other people thought and felt about weight gain and hence I chatted with that woman. Out of respect to my wife I've been chatting very little - also knowing that chatting has destroyed many relationships. I don't want that to happen.

But again, thanks for pointing out important points in this topic.

I'll continue to listen and answer as well as I can


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## No-No-Badkitty (Sep 28, 2008)

This is a little off topic I know...but...

I find it almost unfathomable at the idea of loosing that much weight. Yes I know people do it...but damn.
I can't even loose 10 pounds, it seems no matter what I do I am fat... It amazes me that women/men can do it...


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## olwen (Sep 28, 2008)

This is complicated. It is clear that you care about your wife, brainman, and you want to do the right thing...I keep getting stuck on the fact that you feel you are the proprieter of her fat, but you know, you are not. She is. If she doesn't like it, you just have to learn to live without it - the way you did when you met her.

I don't believe you should supress your feelings outright, and I do feel she has an obligation to make you happy, as you do her...perhaps there is a way to fulfill parts of your fantasy without her actually gaining any weight. You wouldn't get all of what you want, but you could get some of it. Buy her a few items of clothing that are too tight; only feed her at mealtimes and then only food she's deemed appropriate. I don't know....does she like the fantasy element as much as you do? Is the weight gain the only thing she objects to? Does she have some fantasy you are not comfortable with? Perhaps you could compromise about it if she does....I'm not sure how helpful any of this is, but I thought I'd just throw it out there...


Edit: I wanted to add....you know, I know how I felt after I lost 100lbs. I started that journey three years ago and tho I'm still very fat, I still haven't adjusted to certain everyday aspects of having a slightly smaller body...gaining and loosing weight is a serious adjustment for anybody. It affects all aspects of your life. It's difficult to just turn off feelings and cues you've had about your body for so long even after it's changed shape. I know I can go up a flight of stairs without being out of breath or without leg cramps, but I still cringe whenever I meet a flight of stairs and I'm still surprised when I get to the top without problems....I don't know that I'll ever get used to that. And that's just one thing....What I'm saying is that for your wife (not to speak for her, but just conjecturing) the weight gain may not have just been about feeling iky about how she looked. She could have just not gotten used to all the profound adjustments she had to make in her new body. Dunno....even if I loved someone a great deal I don't know that I could sustain such adjustments just to make him happy....seems like too much of a sacrifice....


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 28, 2008)

From what you described in response to Fascinita's post about how good she looked after the weight gain, it sounds like she took you somewhere that it's hard to return from. I can understand that......

But, I think, that we change constantly as human beings....and we always need time to adjust to change. You just need to give yourself more time to come to grips with your emotions/thoughts. You don't sound like a bad guy- just a conflicted one that really loves his wife. I think that foundation might help things to all come out in the wash at the end of the day.


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## Russell Williams (Sep 28, 2008)

Take a lot of pictures of her at her present weight. Then after she loses weight you can still tell her how you admire so much about her, that her body is still attractive, and, when appropriate, still look at the pictures of her much larger.

Question for thought ( is it pornography if you are turned on by pictures of your own wife?)

Russell


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## Fascinita (Sep 28, 2008)

Russell Williams said:


> Question for thought ( is it pornography if you are turned on by pictures of your own wife?)
> 
> Russell



Pornography refers to sex-work. "Porne" is a Greek word that means "prostitute" or "sex worker." Thus pornography is a depiction of sex-work--or it is sex-work itself. In other words, pornography _necessarily_ implies sex-work/labor and economic trade, at least in its "classical" definition (though it's possible this is changing.)

Unless you view your relationship with your wife as one based exclusively on trade--sex for some other good or benefit--I don't see how you can classify pictures of your wife as pornography. 

NB: Pornography and smut = not necessarily equal. A smutty photo and a pornographic photo are not necessarily in the same category.


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## Totmacher (Sep 29, 2008)

I have to say it would effect how I relate to her physically, and that would have consequences. It's not about a feeling of possession or entitlement, it's just that there are certain things I find attractive and if you remove these factors it effects the attraction. Weight loss is really not so different from your partner dyeing her hair blue or getting a frontal lobotomy in that respect.


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## brainman (Sep 29, 2008)

Thank you for taking time to think this over seriously. It's good to read your comments although some of them hurt a little. Well, they should, I think. Sometimes changes hurt a little.

@olwen
I really try not to feel like I own my wife. It's sad that I sound like I do. I need to work on that. I KNOW that I just have to live with her no matter how she chooses to look. That sounded more negative than it is. She IS really good-looking in my eyes. She was back then, so of course I can live with it. But to live with something is not the same as enjoying it.
You are also right about the sacrifice-thing. I know I OUGHT to just accept all these things you say, 'cause I intellectually know they're right. That's just not as easy as it might sound. You know you ought to do/accept/feel a lot of things but how many of them do you actually manage to get done/accepted/felt? All this knowing is a great contributor to my bad consciousness.
And to answer your other questions: My wife is - sadly enough, you could say - close to perfect. She has no naughty fantasies at all, it seems. The only "bad sides" she have is that she is a bit lazy. So no, there are no "trading items" at all. I have searched for those but no. Her laziness makes it extra painful for me because I have to remind her of her exercises. That hurts every time and it's tempting not to say anything. I'm not really a "naugty guy myself", weight gain and FA being my only "abnomal preferences", but sometimes I feel a bit dirty compared to her. And yes, the gain is the only thing she objects to. She didn't like to weigh 260lbs. That was too much for her and I think that she bears a dream inside to try being slender again. I want to make her happy so I'll try to make that happen.

@Green Eyed Fairy
Well, _she let me_ take her somewhere it's hard for me to return from. I'll give it time as you tell me to. Of course I can live with it. You can live with surprisingly much when necessary.
I'm glad to know that I don't sound like a bad guy. I don't know myself. Sometimes I feel very bad. My wife tells me that she does not think I'm bad but that does not make me sure. One thing's for sure. I don't _want_ to be a bad guy and I know that I could've been more bad than I've been.

@Russell
The pics are taken as well as progress pics from her gain. I LOVE LOVE LOVE befores and afters. I hate porn and I don't feel comfortable with nudity pics on the web at all, but I think I've seen most weight gain befores and afters on the web. Those are my greatest weakness. 

@fascinata
I really want my relationship with my wife to be more than an exchange of sexual services and I also think that it is. Much more. I don't consider pics of my wife pornography and although I've posted some of them on the net (with her accept), they were not intended as being porn.

@Totmacher
I think you are right also but I must believe that I'm attracted to many other things in my wife than just her weight. Admitted: If my wife just ate herself up to 300-330lbs I would be extremely physically attracted to her. I know for sure because I've already felt on my own body the effects of her 40lbs gain in the past year from 220 to 260lbs. A great part of me was just in heaven. The other little part of me noticed the glimpses of sadness running over her face when she saw herself in the mirror and when I touched her growing body. They were only rare glimpses. She didn't feel sad all the time. Most of the time she forgot her sadness but she couldn't think of herself as attractive and indeed not as that beauty goddess I saw in her. What I wanted most of all was her suddenly understanding that she was absolutely gorgeous in my eyes and gaining some self confidence. She does not have much of that although I try my best to let her know how fantastic I think she is. That is not only a weight issue. She hasn't had very much success in her life but luckily things seem to change a bit these last months. Not as a result of her weight loss but as a result of her new education going very well. I think self confidence is a great issue in all this and yes, it is really complicated.

I will just let her lose som weight now and if it boosts her self confidence I think it will be more attractive to me than if she had the ideal body for my fantasies.

@No-No-BadKitty
Unfortunately I know a lot about nutrition and exercising, combined with a quite good ability to do math by head AND a scaringly good memory for the nutritional contents in most kinds of food. I think I'm exactly as good at making people lose weight as I am at making them put it on. The difference is that it hurts me very much when people lose weight and I get very happy whem I see them put it on.
It's not quite a possession but sometimes it might come close. You just need to eat less than you burn for a period and don't give up and that's it. The problem is that you have to eat considerably less beacause your basal metabolic rate (BMR) slows down with decreasing energy intake. Consuming 1500-1800kcal a day will definitely make you lose weight, 1-2lbs a week. The trick is to eat food that fills a lot but doesn't contain much energy. 

whoah. I'm just talking too much. That mustbe enough for now.

thank you once more. I'll read on. It's good to read all your comments - both your advice and indeed also your own experiences with this partner-loses-weight-against-your-wish-thing.


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## Russell Williams (Sep 29, 2008)

For many the best way to gain weight is to go on a weight loss diet.

Lose 20 gain 30, lose 40 gain 60.

The rule may breask down with losses of 100 or more pounds. I do not know. Do any of the readers have expierences of losing large amounts of weight and not gaining it back? Any have expierences of lossing over 100 lbs and gaining it all and more back?

Russell


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## brainman (Sep 29, 2008)

The little voice in the back of my head has long time ago come to that conclusion but that does not make it easier for me. I really try to wish the best for my wife but my thoughts don't let me. 

Voice nr. 1: "Now I feel good 'cause I'm helping my wife to lose weight"
Voice nr. 2: "Hah, you know that you can't help her and wish 100% that she loses weight. You little bastard. You know she's likely to gain even more than she loses. Oh, how wonderful it would be if she lost 100lbs and put on 130." 
Voice nr. 1: "NO it would not. I want a happy wife."
Voice nr. 2: "Yes, but you want a fat one too!"

And so on and so on. It's not easy to feel like a good guy 'cause some voice inside my head tries to tell me that I'm not on many occasions. For the time being I can't serve my wife a single piece of cake without feeling guilty so I don't. It's getting a bit boring in the evenings when we used to sit with a bit of goodies and a good book. 

But yes, I want to hear about lose-gain experiences too.


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## Fascinita (Sep 29, 2008)

Sounds like you're thinking about this way too much.

Try to put this in perspective... Get out of your head. Life is short. If what you need is to feel like a good guy, go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen or something. But I would think that both you and your wife deserve better than living in a kind of limbo over your fixation on having her at a certain weight.

You might try letting your wife know how conflicted you are. Probably, the worst thing you can do is to stew in your neurosis alone.


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## brainman (Sep 29, 2008)

But I've always thought a lot about things. It's a habit is not easily broken. My wife and I talk a lot to each other so she knows most of what's happening inside me. Maybe I know a little less about what's happening inside her. She's mentally quite different. Doesn't think about things for many minutes at a time while I've always been able to think about the same thing for hours if I'm not disturbed. Not only fat but math, computers, philosophical questions, but yes, also her weight. So you're no doubt right but that's going to be difficult.


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## Tad (Sep 29, 2008)

FWIW, sometimes I think that there can be too much sharing and communication. If her knowing all that is going on in your head will make it easier for her to live with you, then grand, it may be a good thing. But if it will just make her feel insecure or confused, then what is the benefit?

*shrug* on that logic, I don't go into detail with my wife a lot of what I think and feel about body issues. "I love that you have some softness to hug" is good to communicate, remind her that I like her softness. "At night when we spoon, with me behind you, and I put my arm over you, and feel the hardness of your ribs these days, it is a bit like a bucket of cold water, a real wake up at how much thinner you are." Not so much good to communicate, to my way of thinking.

-Ed


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## KHayes666 (Sep 29, 2008)

brainman said:


> The little voice in the back of my head has long time ago come to that conclusion but that does not make it easier for me. I really try to wish the best for my wife but my thoughts don't let me.
> 
> Voice nr. 1: "Now I feel good 'cause I'm helping my wife to lose weight"
> Voice nr. 2: "Hah, you know that you can't help her and wish 100% that she loses weight. You little bastard. You know she's likely to gain even more than she loses. Oh, how wonderful it would be if she lost 100lbs and put on 130."
> ...



I deal with this scenario every day. I have a friend who's gained about 25 pounds unintentionally since we first met and is so bullheaded to lose the weight she pretty much ignores her fiancee to go to the gym and use her ab lounger.

The voices in my head tell me that I like her the way she is now, but she'll be happy at a smaller weight. The voices also tell me she was still bitching about her weight 30 lbs ago and she'll never be happy no matter what.

I have my own experience with dealing with a partner who wanted to lose weight but it really really makes me sad and angry so I won't get into it.


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## brainman (Sep 29, 2008)

@edx
Hah, I don't share SO many thoughts  .

And you are right again, but honestly I think she wants to know most of what's running through my head. We don't have many secrets for each other, if any at all.

I actually don't think she feels confused. She knows me pretty well and vice versa. We've been together for ten years now so it's pretty hard to surprise each other, showing new sides of ourselves, but hey, it happens now and then.

She just feels a bit sad about all the gaining stuff. Suddenly it became too much for her and although she really enjoyed the fact that I was even more attracted to her than usually she just couldn't stand looking at herself in the mirror and wanted to lose so much weight that she again could see a woman in the mirror that she was also able to think of as attractive. She was only intellectually able to accept that I was attracted to her larger figure but she could not look at her mirror image and think for herself: "Damn I look good". She was only able to think "Damn I look fat", "Damn, my belly is just waayyy too big", and that was a big turn-off for her. It has been difficult for me - AND her - to understand that we could look at the same person and yet see two so different persons. That's frustrating for both of us I think.


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## brainman (Sep 29, 2008)

@KHayes666
She's actually not the complaining type. She's very far from the stereotypical woman and that's one of the things I love her for. E.g. she never asks me "lose-lose"-questions where it's certain that whatever you answer it's wrong and making her sad/mad. Complaints from her are very rare but when they come they hurt a bit more then, because then I know that she's serious about them.
I think we all have seen the type of woman who always complains about her figure. At first their weight is too high. They lose a lot of weight. Then their breasts are too small (of COURSE they are! They've just lost all their body fat  ) or there's something wrong with their lips/hips/eyebrows/you name it, and they can only feel like real women again if that's also fixed and so on and so on. Now that's the extreme version I've described here but I think I've seen quite a lot of women with a bit of this. Well, some men might have this disease, too, but I've mostly seen it with women. And luckily my wife is not that kind of woman.

Now one of my voices tip up and say "well, she's not but hey, you also want to alter her to a bigger version. Is that different from wanting bigger lips, weight loss and so on?" . So, sad again.  . I think this voice is right, at least to some extent, but it hurts to admit it. The only difference is that it's me who wants her bigger and not herself (that only makes it worse in my eyes).

You're not getting into relationships where your partner wants to lose weight, you say, if I understand you correctly. But during my relationship with my wife I have gradually found out that I preferred her being larger than she was. I think my preference has been there always, but it's just been sort buried or hidden. If my wife had weighed 260lbs (she weighed 190) when we married I am sure I didn't want her to gain another 100lbs. Maybe 70 but not 100. But now, ten years after our wedding I just can't walk out of the door and say " 'bye, I'll go out looking for someone who likes to gain for me since you don't want to. Have a good life" . It's good that you can choose but I can't, so I must look for other solutions. The most sad part of it is that if I said so to my wife she would accept to gain for me, at least for a while. I could never threaten her. I don't want to, because I love her, but she has told me that if I did, she would accept. It's a scaring thought to me. To know that you could get what you desired if you were a bad guy. So close and yet so far away. Now it's my turn to show her that I love her, I think. There's no doubt that some day she'll be satisfied and say that she's reached an acceptable weight - maybe unlike lots of other women. And the day she says so, she means it. I just have to wait.


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## Tad (Sep 29, 2008)

> The most sad part of it is that if I said so to my wife she would accept to gain for me, at least for a while. I could never threaten her. I don't want to, because I love her, but she has told me that if I did, she would accept.* It's a scaring thought to me. To know that you could get what you desired if you were a bad guy.* So close and yet so far away. Now it's my turn to show her that I love her, I think. There's no doubt that some day she'll be satisfied and say that she's reached an acceptable weight



I really get the feeling that we've had a lot of similar thoughts.....what I bolded in that quote captured something I've been feeling but never quite managed to put into words. I am so careful around a lot of issues because of that factor. 

We were at a hotel a few weeks ago, and there was a scale in the bathroom. She weighed herself and it said an even two hundred pounds. She was SO pleased! I got on it, and said without thinking about it "Oh, based on what this is reading, I think it is about six pounds low." Then I turned around, and the expression on her face was like a kid who had just learned their birthday party had been cancelled. With this heart breakingly whistful voice she said "It could have been." And she is not somebody who normally fusses much about this sort of issue, so it really told me how much she still would like to lose more. Yet like you said, if I told her that I really needed her to gain, she just might do it, but it would feel like whipping a puppy.

When what brings each of you satisfaction is opposite, with no way to achieve both, it is hard, there is just no way around it.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 29, 2008)

brainman said:


> @Green Eyed Fairy
> Well, _she let me_ take her somewhere it's hard for me to return from. I'll give it time as you tell me to. Of course I can live with it. You can live with surprisingly much when necessary.
> I'm glad to know that I don't sound like a bad guy. I don't know myself. Sometimes I feel very bad. My wife tells me that she does not think I'm bad but that does not make me sure. One thing's for sure. I don't _want_ to be a bad guy and I know that I could've been more bad than I've been.



Just remember WHY she "let you"....because she loves you and wanted to please you. She is probably as insecure about this whole issue as you are...torn between wanting to keep you happy/satisfied....but hating how she looks/feels from the results of it. 
That is not a slight against you....it's just her reaction as a human being. Like you have your own reactions......I really do think both of you must love each other very much and put all you can into this relationship. That seems like a bond that will sustain/weather just about anything.

Good luck to both of you- I hope you both find many more years of happiness together


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## brainman (Sep 30, 2008)

Thank you for your words. I's going to be a hard time, maybe for both my wife and I, me knowing that she wants to lose weight, her knowing that I wish she would gain, both of us wanting to satisfy the other one. I'll give it time. I've calculated that if she can continue losing weight quite fast, she would be there next christmas. That's a long time but well, it's only a little part of the total time we'll spend together, so there's time to find out what to do.

All your words have made me feel a bit better so I've been able to show my wife some extra positive attention, which she likes very much. No problems have been solved but it has been good to write down all my feelings and thoughts in a place where other people might have been in similar situations.

My wife (and to some extent also I) have been worried that this losing might have been such a turn-off for me that I wasn't able to find her attractive again or for at least a long period. This has gotten a bit better, I feel, and that's definitely a good thing.

So thank you so much. 

@Green Eyed Fairy
Thank you for your wishes. Both my wife and I want our marriage to last exactly as long as we promised each other at the wedding :wubu:

@edx
I think that your wife hated her weight even more than my wife. It's actually a bit strange. She doesn't seem very interested in what she weighs, only in losing some weight. Maybe she just can't believe that she's already lost over 20 lbs because her weight always has been going upwards. Maybe she does not believe that she's actually able to lose the weight she wants to. She did't even seem disappointed when the weight showed a 3 lbs gain this other day. She just shrugged, so I don't know exactly what's going on.

By the way, I like your analogy to whipping a puppy although the mere thought of it makes me feel sad.


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## olwen (Sep 30, 2008)

Brainman, Ed, tell me if I'm way off base, and this is a separate but related issue, but it seems like you two are married to women who are just not happy with themselves for whatever reasons and that it might take a lot for them to become comfortable in their bodies. Given that, why expend so much energy feeling bad about something you just can't control? I mean, you can only say and do so much to help with that before you start to beat your head against the wall.....how do you cope with that?


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## brainman (Oct 1, 2008)

Hah, you are right, but turning your head 180 degrees inside isn't exactly the most easy maneuvre, especially not for me, which I've proven on other occasions. I KNOW I "just" have to shrug and say "Hey, you feel bad about gaining, then I'll support you in losing the weight instead and I'll be exactly as happy because I know it's the best for you". It sounds so easy but it's really difficult, not to sit around banging your head into the wall as you so poetically describe it. It'll definitely take some time. Quite some time, actually, but I hope I'll get there. I'm trying to, but to just forget about my preference for larger ladies is to scissor an important part of your mind out and drop it in the garbage bin, never looking back. It is of at least some importance to me to be able so say to my wife, that she's if not THE most sexy person I've ever met/seen, then absolutely one of them - and mean it with my heart.

If she ends up losing quite a lot of weight she might still be sexy in my eyes but not exactly as sexy as she could be in my eyes. Sexiness does not mean all to me, far from that, but It is really nice to be able to say things like these to my wife and know with myself that I tell her the truth. So some mind adjustment might be needed here. We'll see.


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## Fascinita (Oct 1, 2008)

olwen said:


> women who are just not happy with themselves for whatever reasons and that it might take a lot for them to become comfortable in their bodies. Given that, why expend so much energy feeling bad about something you just can't control? I mean, you can only say and do so much to help with that before you start to beat your head against the wall.....how do you cope with that?



I think that, if I lived with someone who wanted my body to be different than it was, I may come to feel vaguely unhappy and uncomfortable with (if not my body, at least) the way things were. I might even try to change my body so that it pleased him more. And one day I might "wake up" and decide to take my body back. Don't you want to know that your husband is attracted to your body as it is, not as he wished it was? If you knew your husband would never find you as sexy as a thin woman as he did as a fat woman, wouldn't you feel ill at easy in your relationship to him?

It seems to me that the reason brainman feels bad is not that his wife is unhappy with herself, but that she has decided to take control of her own body and slim down to a size that's more comfortable for her, for whatever reasons. In the process, he has realized that it means he can no longer have the gaining wife he desires. I don't think we can say definitively that his wife is unhappy with herself, not until she comes on here and tells us so. It seems to me, from what he describes, that she is in fact trying to seek a "happier" weight for herself. She had gained to please him, and now she realizes it's not what _she_ wants. I don't see why that has to mean she's an unhappy gal who can't accept her body as is.

brainman, to put it bluntly to you: I think you may be driving your wife away, with your unrealistic expectations. I don't know you or her, but if I put myself in your theoretical situation, all I can think of is that if my husband doesn't feel attracted to me, the foundation of my marriage may be in trouble. And that's a scary thing, I would think, for any married person.


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## brainman (Oct 1, 2008)

@Fascinata
In my struggle to actually be or become a good guy I must admit that you might have some points there, although it hurts to do so and althoug I've never thought of things quite the way you've described them here. 

My wife is actually a quite happy and smiling girl, even if she's sad. Therefore it can sometimes be hard for me to figure out if she's sad somewhere deep inside. She has told me that she does not try to keep up some facade, but that she just forgets her sadness for some time and then it pops up again, e.g. when she sees a mirror image of herself. Honestly I don't remember if she was also unhappy with her body when we met. Not really, I think, but, not really happy, either. The point here is that she was certainly much less unhappy with her body back then and therefore I want to try to support her in losing weight. Well, I've had success to some extent since she's lost more than 20 lbs already.

My wife's unhappiness indeed makes me unhappy, too. To have a wife fulfilling ones fantasies but being unhappy in doing this, is putting a serious dampener on the pleasure. It's a bit like "Stolen cookies don't taste as good as paid ones."

I will say to my defence that I would also have changed my figure if she wanted me to, but she's quite happy with it as it is. If I wouldn't do that, I don't think that I would have asked her to gain.

To answer to the last thing you say: She IS actually scared of me not feeling attracted to her anymore. She has told me. But as it is written elswhere in this thread I need time to get used to things. I hope that I can and I want to. Those two things are important, I'd say, because I actually want her to be happy. It's just not easy to solve that conflict between desires and common sense, but I'm working on it. I actually want to help her although I have difficulties doing it fullheartedly. So I must try the best I can, and hopefully I will get better at it.
If she becomes happier and more self confident then that would mean a lot to me, too, so I'm sure that would make me feel more attracted to her.

I think that I am actually trying to make my unrealistic expectations more realistic so I definitely don't hope that that's driving her away. I feel that I try to help and if I don't then I don't know what to do.


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## joswitch (Oct 1, 2008)

good luck with working it all out... sounds like a thorny situation...

I'm currently dating a gorgeous big girl who has put herself on a doctor prescribed diet... each time I see her she has melted away a little bit more... it's heartbreaking! still Zen mind / live in the moment and all that...


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## IDigHeavyGuys (Oct 1, 2008)

I do actually know how you feel.

I've always been attracted to heavier guys and weight gain. When I met my [now] husband, he was a bit chunky. I didn't tell him how I felt about it, though, and he conciously lost a lot of weight after we got together. He was super-skinny, ill-looking almost. I don't remember when or how I told him that, not only do I like heavy guys, but am also incredibly turned on by a guy gaining weight, but once it was out in the open, he agreed to intentionally gain weight if I would [do something sexual with him once he gained a certain weight]. It started to get to him, though, and he started telling me that he didn't like his body, which killed me, and, of course, I felt responsible for his self-loathing. (I also didn't understand this since he digs some extra weight on me as well.) "Don't worry about it, hon. Stop gaining the weight if it makes you feel that way. I'm so sorry. I'll still [do the sexual thing that I was to do if he reached that certain weight], but don't do this if you're going to hate yourself for it." We went back and forth with this over time, and I found myself saying, "Well, if you want, we can change the deal and I'll [do the sexual thing I was to do] once you get back down to your original weight." I also said, "We can lose weight together." He felt that it would be wrong to do that, since I liked him heavy and he wanted to keep our original deal. He has gained about fifty pounds by now, and he's actually getting into his body, not only accepting it, but liking it. (I'm way more all over him now than I've ever been, as you can imagine.) I know that at some point, though, he's going to think that he's too big or he'll be too heavy for my tastes and he'll either stop gaining weight or try to lose the weight that he has gained thus far. I don't think that I will be nearly as attracted to him if he decides to lose weight, but I figure that I'll always have the memories. (I don't know that that will help with you, though, since guys are more visual. The person who mentioned you taking pictures of your wife right now had an idea that could work very well for you, I think.) I was also going to say (and later read that someone else had said the same) that it could be possible to keep the heaviness in the bedroom, if that makes any sense. She doesn't really have to be heavy in order for you two to do some sort of role-playing. I do realize that this isn't all about sex for you, though, but if she does lose all of that weight, she won't feel the same when you hug her. I do not think, though, that you should keep from telling her anything that you're feeling. Communication is the key, hon. My husband knows exactly how I feel, and I know how he feels. It's whatever works for the two of you, but I would definately not suggest that you stop yourself from telling her how you feel. Good luck. *hugs*


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## olwen (Oct 1, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> I think that, if I lived with someone who wanted my body to be different than it was, I may come to feel vaguely unhappy and uncomfortable with (if not my body, at least) the way things were. I might even try to change my body so that it pleased him more. And one day I might "wake up" and decide to take my body back. Don't you want to know that your husband is attracted to your body as it is, not as he wished it was? If you knew your husband would never find you as sexy as a thin woman as he did as a fat woman, wouldn't you feel ill at easy in your relationship to him?
> 
> It seems to me that the reason brainman feels bad is not that his wife is unhappy with herself, but that she has decided to take control of her own body and slim down to a size that's more comfortable for her, for whatever reasons. In the process, he has realized that it means he can no longer have the gaining wife he desires. I don't think we can say definitively that his wife is unhappy with herself, not until she comes on here and tells us so. It seems to me, from what he describes, that she is in fact trying to seek a "happier" weight for herself. She had gained to please him, and now she realizes it's not what _she_ wants. I don't see why that has to mean she's an unhappy gal who can't accept her body as is.
> 
> brainman, to put it bluntly to you: I think you may be driving your wife away, with your unrealistic expectations. I don't know you or her, but if I put myself in your theoretical situation, all I can think of is that if my husband doesn't feel attracted to me, the foundation of my marriage may be in trouble. And that's a scary thing, I would think, for any married person.



Well when you put it like that, my question just seems silly. You make perfect sense here.

I just keep thinking about how I wouldn't loose or gain weight for anybody else given how hard it is to do that. I would want to make my SO happy, but not at the expense of my own sanity. They both talked about how unhappy their wives seem to be. I just had to wonder where it comes from.


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## Tad (Oct 2, 2008)

Have you ever known a couple where one of them is a homebody, and really just likes to spend time with their partner, while the other is more of a social butterfly, and likes to spend time with their partner, but also with friends and partner, and also with friends, and also sometimes out in big crowds whether with a group or on their own?

Ive known a couple of couples like that, and in each case the social butterfly stopped going out with friends on their own for the most part, at first kept arranging to see friends with partner but eventually that ran down because it wasnt working much for anyone else, so then for a while the butterfly stayed home with their partner, trying to keep their partner happy.

And was miserable.

In one case they ended up breaking up pretty dramatically after having bought a house together. In the other they built a man cave in the basement and he has some of the guys over to play cards most weeks, which isnt quite what hed like or shed like or what the rest of the guys would like, but it is working for now. (this happens with female social butterflies and male homebodies too, it just happens that the two couples I know who really hit this were male butterflies and female homebodies)

Is the partner who just wants to stay home with their honey shallow for wanting the other to change? What if they say no, you go out with your friends, I know that is important to you but cant make themselves remotely happy about it?

Is the partner who likes to go out and mingle and be with a variety of people wrong for being that way? Are they shallow because they cannot make themselves happy staying home with the partner that they love?

I think really those terms just dont help the whole issue. The two of them have an area in which they are not really compatible, and given their natures they will never want the same thing in this area, and they cant both get what they want. The challenge then is seeing if they can find some way to live with it. It isnt really a question of right or wrong, it is a question of can we live with wanting different things or not? 

In some ways it is as simple and as challenging as when one person wants the bedroom window open in order to sleep well and the other wants it shut in order to sleep well.


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## KHayes666 (Oct 2, 2008)

edx said:


> Have you ever known a couple where one of them is a homebody, and really just likes to spend time with their partner, while the other is more of a social butterfly, and likes to spend time with their partner, but also with friends and partner, and also with friends, and also sometimes out in big crowds whether with a group or on their own?
> 
> Ive known a couple of couples like that, and in each case the social butterfly stopped going out with friends on their own for the most part, at first kept arranging to see friends with partner but eventually that ran down because it wasnt working much for anyone else, so then for a while the butterfly stayed home with their partner, trying to keep their partner happy.
> 
> ...



To me, if a man or woman gets jealous when his/her significant other is a social butterfly and he/she is a stay at home, shy, quiet person.....that person has absolutely no right to complain.

Everyone is entitled to friends and to hang out with friends, that's pretty much the expression "The ol' ball and chain" came from, guys who had housewives that would beat them over the head with a rolling pin if he went out playing poker after 9 pm or something. Or men that would freak out if his wife/gf or whatever comes home after being with friends and her makeup is all smeared and her skirt is halfway up her ass.

To answer your question, no.....it is not wrong for someone to socialize, mingle and go out with friends and there's nothing wrong with someone who wants to stay home and snuggle. Relationships are about compromises and sacrifices, but it doesn't have to be drastic either. The people that break up are the ones who either can't change or are forcing the other to change, and THAT'S the no-no. Its one thing if someone's leading a toxic lifestyle and the other is trying to help them, but its another if the person is just the life of the party without doing anything excessive.

Butterflies and Homies can co-exist, just a question of if they can come to an agreement about things, which is what relationships are all about.


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## Tad (Oct 2, 2008)

Just to be clear, I was trying to set up some parellels here towards different feelings about fatness, weight gain, etc.

That for the relationship the issue is not so much "what is right" but "Can we bridge this in a way that we can both live with?"

You may be able to argue that one side is right or wrong, but if it is something that person can't really change about their nature, in the end you have to deal with teh differences, whatever you think about the rights and wrongs. And if you focus too much on the right and wrong, you probably aren't making much process on the bridging.

Just my opinion on it.


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## Fascinita (Oct 2, 2008)

What do windows have in common with bodies?

Your analogy doesn't work, ed, because of course expecting to compromise on whether the window stays open or not is reasonable, but it's completely UNreasonable to expect someone to "compromise" by putting on or taking off weight because it's what someone else wants.

No compromise on what I do with my body. Absolutely none. Sure, make your preferences known and, if I *want*, let *me* be the one who decides whether I am comfortable trying to please you or not. But my body is mine. There is no compromise there. Whether I adjust my body for you or not is ENTIRELY my decision. To suggest that a body is like a window and that it's simply a matter of compromise on what each "side" "gets" out of the bargain--forgive me and please correct if I am misunderstanding you, Ed-- this seems to me to be glossing over the obvious (a body is clearly not a window) in favor of racing toward a rationalized proposition that will let one justify one's desires.

You like my body? Great. You don't like it? Fine. Let me know how you feel ASAP so we can either have a talk or I can start processing what it means that you're no longer as attracted to me as you used to be when you married me.


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## Tad (Oct 6, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> What do windows have in common with bodies?
> 
> Your analogy doesn't work, ed, because of course expecting to compromise on whether the window stays open or not is reasonable, but it's completely UNreasonable to expect someone to "compromise" by putting on or taking off weight because it's what someone else wants.



Fas;

I think we are talking across each other here, about different issues. 

Did you see me say 'compromise?' I don't see it in either post. That is not an accident.

What I talked about was bridging that gap, when there is no way that you are both going to equally pleased with the solution. Which I think relates to what you were saying, actually. Ultimately what it comes down to is that in a lot of cases in a relationship there is no solution which is going to delight both parties. In which case both parties have to manage their feelings around that topic, their feelings about their partner's feelings, and an ongoing series of echo feelings.

I was not addressing who makes what decision or why. I agree with you that when it comes to our bodies, the owner of said body should be the one making the decisions about it, but that really isn't what my point was about. 

Or to try and be more succinct: on the one hand life is not a fairy tale, things don't work out happily ever after, with nothing left to sort out; on the other hand relationships can work even with some pretty big areas of mis-match, they don't need to be fairytale matches of perfect soul mates, thank goodness.


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## Fascinita (Oct 6, 2008)

edx said:


> Or to try and be more succinct: on the one hand life is not a fairy tale, things don't work out happily ever after, with nothing left to sort out; on the other hand relationships can work even with some pretty big areas of mis-match, they don't need to be fairytale matches of perfect soul mates, thank goodness.



I think I see what you mean, Ed.

And I agree that fairytales are best left to fantasy. Real life is much more exciting and interesting, with its gazillion possibilities, and all of that room for growth and for new desires and joys to surprise us. 

To me it comes down to how you approach living. What kind of a person are you going to be? Are you going to be the kind that pretends you can live out every last one of your dreams, even risking alienating others for the sake of some idea of perfection; or are you going to be the kind that takes what life gives you and makes something beautiful out of it?

(That's a rhetorical question. lol)


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## brainman (Oct 7, 2008)

You are posting a lot of interesting thoughts that I'll need some time to digest - even though I've thought most of these things myself also. Right now I just try to support her in losing weight, alas, it's about the most difficult thing for me to do at all, but hey... there's an old saying that says "He who can defeat himself is stronger than the one who has defeated a thousand enemies". Right now I would prefer a thousand enemies, I think, but that's not an option so here we go.

Life is not a fairytale, I agree. Dreams don't necessarily come true and people don't necessarily live happily ever after, unless, the last one I'm going to fight for.

@IDigHeavyGuys and edx
Nice to hear that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with weird problems. I really feel this is weird because lots of shallow men would dump their girlfriend if she put on a noticeable amount of weight. For me it's completely the opposite except for the fact that I don't want to be shallow.
And I've got lots of progress pics so I don't forget how great she looked - AND so I don't forget that she looks great at any size, just in a different way.


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## Ichida (Oct 7, 2008)

I had a similar situation happen with my boyfriend of three years. It ended up causing us to break up for the summer, but we seemed to have worked things out.

He gained 50 lbs in the three years we were dating, just through my cooking and staying home and snuggling. Then he went back down to a very fit 200. It was hard because although I adored him on every level my body showed that sexually, he was no longer appealing. Sexual interactions became me tolerating his advances rather than being the instigating and active partner.

In the beginning I tried to be supportive of his weight loss - I cooked low fat meals, encouraged him to exercise - but he became upset when he realized that I wasn't attracted anymore. There are some things you just can't control, and that is one of them.

In the process of us coming back together we talked bluntly and openly about everything. I told him straight out that even at 230 lbs he was still barely chubby enough to get me going. (When we broke up I dated a 300 lb 6'3 guy briefly, so I am now utterly sure of my preferences). 

I had to tell him that although I love him and adore him I cannot force my body to like something it does not. I cannot compromise on that point because it is out of my control. I was forced to tell him that if he stayed skinny I would constantly be fantasizing and wishing him bigger mentally. 

In the end he agreed to gain some weight back, and try a few "appreciation" shows if you get my drift. I told him I would be MORE obvious in my appreciation of his size. He had said that I was so subtle he felt like he had to take the brunt of the criticism on his own. Now that I am openly encouraging and appreciative of his weight people have much less to say. I had to ask him if the comments of his friends were more important than mine - not that they were not worthy of thought, but whos opinion means more, your moms or mine? If it is your moms then the relationship is not healthy.

Each person has to find a size they are comfortable with - with out without their partners help. But the flipside is that we fa/ffas need to aknowledge that our needs are as great as theirs. I find many FA/Gainer relationships seem to have an obvious dominant and subordinate, and one person seems to put the happiness of their partner before themselves. I found all that did was make me (and him) miserable. He has realized I need this part of me fufilled as much as he needs to feel fufilled with his own body - and he will allow nature to take its course and when he feels uncomfortable he will tell me.

He told me HIS insecurities came from my insecurities - if i thought i was fat, what did that make him? And he felt a bit like he was getting too big - so I went on youtube and showed him some videos of what my preferences are without feeling ashamed or nervous he would feel pressured - and he didn't, just realized where I was coming from.

And BTW there is a difference between being shallow and knowing yourself in my opinion. Dumping someone because they gain/loose weight to fufill some outside expectation of friends of family is shallow. Breaking up with a person because you are not physically attracted to them, they can not live with your preferences, is just a fact of life. Edxs comparison to introverts and extroverts is excellent. Some couples do suceed - some do not, but talking about it is key. 

I can't offer advice on what to do, but this is what I did...Good luck!


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## No-No-Badkitty (Oct 7, 2008)

I don't know...maybe for me love is a little different. Yes, I agree that relationships start off based on physical attraction but then after that it's based (for me) on something else.

My husband was up to 340 (there abouts) at one point but then began loosing because of a med he was put on) He's about 310-300 now...and I am still just as attracted to him.
I don't know. Love for me preceeds physical changes. If he were to loose an arm or a leg I'd still love him. If he were to be disfigured I'd still love him. I can't change that I love him. So if next week he weight 150lbs (and since he's around 6'9" that'd be a bean pole) I'd still be attracted to him and love him.
For me I guess its' the love that holds me not the physical attributes.


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## Tad (Oct 7, 2008)

I really do think that there is a difference between dating, and having been married for multiple years. I know not everyone sees this the same way as I do. But for me, when you get married you agree to make a formal partnership between the two of you, on so many levels. You accept that there may be rough times, and that the partnership may thrive better on some levels than the other. And you know, they do find that in their fifties and later, couples who have been married for a long time, even if some of that time as pretty rough, hit a new level of happiness. So there is a pay off for sticking with that partnership through ups and downs. But I can understand that when dating, when you haven’t officially signed on for the long haul, it makes sense to be a little more focused on what you want, so that if and when you do make that more permanent commitment you have high confidence in it working out. 

In my case I don’t think I asked enough questions or was as open as I should have been about what I like when we were dating, nor was I prepared to be emotionally honest enough with myself. Things have worked out well enough in the end, but I can totally see how that error of omission could have set up much worse problems. So my congratulations on the people who are dating and willing to stick to their guns to find what it is that they want, I think that in the long run that may be very wise.


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## Ichida (Oct 7, 2008)

I agree badkitty - tho I had to struggle a moment not to feel like you are saying that my love is less - I know what you meant by it. To me there are many different levels of love and physical attraction. Just because I look at my boyfriend and think he is attractive, smart, funny, and the best man on earth does not mean that I will get horny. Just like Brainman's wife may not feel attractive no matter what he says - she may not be able to help it when feeling that heavy, I do not know. I physically do not find my boyfriend sexually attractive when thinner - i can't help it. I still adore him and will stay with him. From his perspective when I had short hair he did not find me physically attractive - he still loved me but he literally had a hard time getting it up - we did it in the dark more often. 

And i agree with you Edx - perspectives do change depending on what stage of life you are in. This came up AS he was buying the ring for me :doh:. So its better the issues came out then, now we can regroup and come out stronger. I plan on being with him for the rest of my life - but if I pretended to be anything other than I was it would only come out negatively in the end. I am straightfoward and for me to play down a preference and then have it come out later it was a big deal would be one of the few things that would enrage him - because it would be a lie, and he would feel he couldn't trust me.

I would stay with him for the rest of my life regardless of weight or disfigurement - that is what love and more importantly respect is about. Brainman obviously has both for his wife. If the weight issue is a catylst for other realtionship issues then they need to be addressed though. My boyfriend's fear that I might not find him attractive came down to a trust issue, for example.


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## brainman (Oct 7, 2008)

@Ichida
Thank you for sharing your experience. It was really nice to read your post because it quite accurately describes my feelings but with other words, so I get a slightly different view on my situation.



Ichida said:


> Just because I look at my boyfriend and think he is attractive, smart, funny, and the best man on earth does not mean that I will get horny.



Especially this one pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'll think a quite a bit over this one.



edx said:


> In my case I dont think I asked enough questions or was as open as I should have been about what I like when we were dating, nor was I prepared to be emotionally honest enough with myself. Things have worked out well enough in the end, but I can totally see how that error of omission could have set up much worse problems. So my congratulations on the people who are dating and willing to stick to their guns to find what it is that they want, I think that in the long run that may be very wise.



I feel the same. Should have said and asked more, but I did'nt know at that time. When we started dating she was my first girlfriend ever. I knew that I was attracted to bigger girls though never having dated any. My wife was then only slightly chubby but as she in the beginning put on I just found out that I liked her gain very much. I told her so she knew it, but I didn't know at that time that what I sexually really wanted was a wife weighing in at 2.5 times her ideal weight. It has taken me about 10 years to find out but if I told her 10 years ago that I wanted her to put on as much weight as she already was carrying she might be scared away. I might never find such a sweet girl anywhere else because I really love her.

Her weight, you could say, is only the thing that makes the love really fun. I will always love her, but to put it bluntly it might take some more time to get it up. I really liked Ichidas way of saying it.



No-No-Badkitty said:


> Love for me preceeds physical changes.



It also does for me, but physical changes just mean something to me also. I really really wish that it was not so, but it is, so the whole process of accepting that my wife weighs not even half of what is most sexy to me will take some time.

Sometimes I can't help thinking to myself that my wife deserved a better husband. That's not something that makes your mood go through the roof, I can tell you. My wife is assuring me that she does not want anybody else but that's not always enough to stop the thoughts rotating in my head.

To complicate things further I have a colleague who unfortunately, to say the least, is very close to be the personification of my fantasies. I don't have any suspect intentions at all but it is very hard to look at her (though I try to do it as little as I can) day in and day out, knowing that she stays the same while my wife is losing all of her weight.

At this point I hope that what's written in the 1 Corinthians 13:7 is true: "[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things". I think it is challenged quite a bit for the moment but I'll do my best.


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## Ichida (Oct 7, 2008)

"Sometimes I can't help thinking to myself that my wife deserved a better husband....To complicate things further I have a colleague who unfortunately, to say the least, is very close to be the personification of my fantasies. I don't have any suspect intentions at all but it is very hard to look at her (though I try to do it as little as I can) day in and day out, knowing that she stays the same while my wife is losing all of her weight."

Oh, how i know what you feel!

You end up feeling so shallow and miserable sometimes, like if YOU were a better person, if YOU were more selfless this never would have happened. If only YOU had broached it, or if YOU had done this...it eats at you, when it isn't your fault at all! And because you can't stop your eyes from NOTICING it just makes it worse!! I'll be staring at a wobbling belly and feel guilty, but its not something I do on purpose, i cant control those reactions. My boyfriend just laughs now and says they can "keep me warm" until he gets to that point. 

Does SHE know how your attraction is geared? Not "I dig the chubbier girls" or "i like you better curvier" but how you feel about it really and truly. Sometimes we become nervous to aknowledge the fat we love for fear they will notice too and lose more of it! Then the other party feels like IF WE LIKED IT we would touch it and talk about it more - we are avoiding it so they must have gotten too fat!!

And supporting their loss makes you feel like a hypocrite, and every time you say they are sexy it feels like a stab of guilt because they were sexier BEFORE.

She may just want to feel FITTER - women confuse this with becoming thin. Maybe suggest she focus on feeling fitter. She is making the decision (which is her right) to loose weight - but SHE has to accept that you may not find her as sexually attractive, and your eyes (not your heart or whats in your pants) might wander. Just because you are the one with the preference doesn't mean you need to be the one to give up everything.

Keep in mind - she had a part in this too though - unless you tied her to the bed and force fed her (against her will) this was her choice too. And if I remember correctly she posted on another website to show you how other people percieved it - she may just be crying out for you to understand how she is treated in public....Maybe if you make your preference more open in public she would feel better?

I've had bhm tell me that having an fa who is too subtle makes them feel like they are taking all of the brunt of society's disapproval yourself, rather than taking it together.


She also needs to ask herself - if she is loosing weight because of how OTHERS make her feel (parents/coworkers) she is valuing their opinion more than yours. Her body is her own, but it is also something special between the two of you - everyone else should have no say in the matter!


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## Tad (Oct 7, 2008)

brainman said:


> I feel the same. Should have said and asked more, but I did'nt know at that time. When we started dating she was my first girlfriend ever. I knew that I was attracted to bigger girls though never having dated any. My wife was then only slightly chubby but as she in the beginning put on I just found out that I liked her gain very much. I told her so she knew it, but I didn't know at that time that what I sexually really wanted was a wife weighing in at 2.5 times her ideal weight. It has taken me about 10 years to find out but if I told her 10 years ago that I wanted her to put on as much weight as she already was carrying she might be scared away. I might never find such a sweet girl anywhere else because I really love her.



Aside from end size and how much gained, this could very much be my story. Scary how well it matches up! *groundless speculation* I wonder if we are similar in other ways, and this is a common sort of error for people who are like the way we are?


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## Ichida (Oct 7, 2008)

It took me a long time to a) realize how big i like my men and even LONGER b) to come clean about it, and even LONGER c) for it to be accepted.

I think Fat admiration is different from typical "feitshes" because it spans EVERY aspect of our lives. We don't just practice it in the bedroom. We notice it when they lean over the grocery cart and their gut brushes the handle...When they reach for something in a cabinet and have to tug their shirt down...the way they walk....the little kick in the chest we feel when they finish that last bite and smile contentedly at us.

How they feel when we hold hands, hug or kiss - how their "fit" into us changes...It affects daily activities like eating, going out places, clothes shopping...

It isn't something we only have to deal with for 10 minutes during foreplay and sex - it is something sensual and so obvious in day to day life it makes it harder.

I made the mistake of not bringing it up in previous relationships - every moment of every day that i said nothing made it harder to admitt what I truly liked. Its odd...besides this one preference I would describe myself as totally vanilla - I don't want to do it in public places or anything crazy...


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## brainman (Oct 8, 2008)

Ichida, thank you for writing all this. Although they don't solve any problems your words indeed make me feel less like a freak. It is relieving to know from you and the other people writing great posts in this thread that I'm not the only one in the world having trouble with this very special aspect of life.

Your words quite precisely describe my feelings and unspoken and -written thoughts. They don't change me but I feel happier and maybe the things you write can make me better at tolerating myself as I am - though currently It's a complete mess inside me. Happiness is for me right now like when the sun suddenly peeks through a little hole in the sky on a very cloudy day. Then it's gone again and everything is grey and sinister. 

So I'll give things the time they need to happen now. A lot of time it seems. And I'm afraid it's going to be a period where there will be no need for the abbreviation LMAO.


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## Ichida (Oct 8, 2008)

I really do hope everything works out for you! The worst part for me was the feeling that evryone else was so content and i was the one person experiencing it (sounds false and selfish, but feels true at the time!)

Good luck!!


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## Fascinita (Oct 8, 2008)

Ichida said:


> I would stay with him for the rest of my life regardless of weight or disfigurement - that is what love and more importantly respect is about.



Really? So you can live without sex? I mean... for good? For the rest of your life without sex?


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## KHayes666 (Oct 8, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Really? So you can live without sex? I mean... for good? For the rest of your life without sex?



I can....easily.

I've had it with girls I've loved, I may never love again so at least I can say I've had it with someone special.

Sex isn't the most important thing in life, but it sure is fun ;-)


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## Fascinita (Oct 8, 2008)

brainman said:


> Her weight, you could say, is only the thing that makes the love really fun. I will always love her, but to put it bluntly it might take some more time to get it up. I really liked Ichidas way of saying it.



What a shame. I know that if my SO could not get excited by me anymore, I'd feel like I was missing something vital in my relationship and in my life. 

To be honest, I'd probably leave, if the situation dragged on long enough notwithstanding my efforts to understand and accommodate your lack of enthusiasm. I'd probably wait a while for you to get help and come around again, but if you never found a way to "get it up" again, I'd feel like I needed to do something decisive, for my own good. 

Either that or find a lover who did feel excited for me as I was.


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## Fascinita (Oct 8, 2008)

KHayes666 said:


> but it sure is fun ;-)



Yes, after all we're talking about "being able to get it up" for one's SO.


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## Fascinita (Oct 8, 2008)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> I don't know...maybe for me love is a little different. Yes, I agree that relationships start off based on physical attraction but then after that it's based (for me) on something else.
> 
> My husband was up to 340 (there abouts) at one point but then began loosing because of a med he was put on) He's about 310-300 now...and I am still just as attracted to him.
> I don't know. Love for me preceeds physical changes. If he were to loose an arm or a leg I'd still love him. If he were to be disfigured I'd still love him. I can't change that I love him. So if next week he weight 150lbs (and since he's around 6'9" that'd be a bean pole) I'd still be attracted to him and love him.
> For me I guess its' the love that holds me not the physical attributes.




I feel much the same way. I'm attracted by a whole person.


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## Fascinita (Oct 8, 2008)

Ichida said:


> I had to ask him if the comments of his friends were more important than mine - not that they were not worthy of thought, but whos opinion means more, your moms or mine? If it is your moms then the relationship is not healthy.



Would his friends disown him if he lost weight? Would his mom tell him she had lost her desire to hug him if he weighed 160?

It seems to me you've described a situation in which you get to tell your boyfriend that he's only attractive at a certain weight, and on the other hand you also get to tell him that he shouldn't care what others think or say about his weight. You've placed the burden of measuring up to your tastes on him. You've placed the burden of brushing off the criticism that he gets for being heavier (in order to please you) also on him. He has to stay fat to please you AND he also has to discount what everyone but you says--or the relationship isn't healthy. As long as you get to lay down the rules, it sounds like everything is going to be peachy keen.

Where do you come in to share in the work in this relationship? Or is he simply supposed to be grateful that he gets a chance to date you?

I don't know if this is about knowing yourself so much as about a seeming complete lack of awareness of the needs of other people.


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## Propp Matt (Oct 9, 2008)

MMmm I've gone through all this with my gf. We met 8 years ago, by that time she was about 170-180 lbs. After 4 years by my side she had gained 120 lbs and I felt as the luckiest man on earth, and I loved every single pound of her soft, curvy squishy body. She never gained on purpouse, and she didn't mind the first pounds of gaining, but at 300 lbs she started to get some issues, You know, a bad knee, back-ache, hard to find decent clothes in ordinary stores, hard to sit comfortable in some chairs, sweating, and other things that more or less comes along with overweight. Altogether this made her feel bad about herself, and became less outgoing an socially active. So she decided to loose weight. Now she's down to 210-220, and she is happy and is much more active and outgoing than before, and will probably keep loosing weight to her goal, which is 180 lbs.

I have felt almost all those conflicting feelings that you mention through this time of loosing. Seeing my beautiful bountiful, curvy woman, shrink and just melt away infront of me is terrible. On the other hand, I love her very much, and I am so happy to share her new-found hapiness and positive view of life. My conclusion is, that even though I really miss that round ass, the shivering cellulites and the massive belly, I'd rather want her to be happy and healthy even if that means loosing weight. After all her personality and our love is more important than my personal attraction to weight-gain and full-figured woman.

But, i admit that I still hope that once she reaches her weight-goal she might relax, and let some of those beautful pounds come back again.


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## Ted Michael Morgan (Oct 14, 2008)

My former wife dieted constantly. I desperately wanted her to gain 50 to 100 pounds, but I never figured out how to tell her. I was afraid to upset her.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 16, 2008)

It's one thing to go into a relationship with a dedicated, romantic notion- it's quite another to live with the reality of it each and every day......better or for worse. If it's mostly worse......


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## Fascinita (Oct 16, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It's one thing to go into a relationship with a dedicated, romantic notion- it's quite another to live with the reality of it each and every day......better or for worse. If it's mostly worse......



I think that if it's mostly worse, you're better off letting each other go.

That would be the honest, decent thing to do.

But I see a lot of folks who don't want to face up to that: they don't want to let their partners know how they really feel because if their partners knew how they really felt (e.g., I'm not attracted to you since you lost weight, and I am only happy when you're fat), it might make the partners reconsider the relationship.


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## Tad (Oct 17, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It's one thing to go into a relationship with a dedicated, romantic notion- it's quite another to live with the reality of it each and every day......better or for worse. If it's mostly worse......





Fascinita said:


> I think that if it's mostly worse, you're better off letting each other go.
> 
> That would be the honest, decent thing to do.
> 
> But I see a lot of folks who don't want to face up to that: they don't want to let their partners know how they really feel because if their partners knew how they really felt (e.g., I'm not attracted to you since you lost weight, and I am only happy when you're fat), it might make the partners reconsider the relationship.



Hmmm, I agree with Greeny in a way, that from the perspective of that initial romantic notion it is probably more down than up for most couples. But over time you may grow something else. 

The thing is that romantic notions tend to be of the line "she'll always...." "We'll stay this way forever..." "I know that once we're married he'll change this thing...." "Once she feels secure in the relationship, then she'll...." Either expecting no change, or one step change to a new constant state. Neither is realistic. But romantic notions aren't about being realistic, of course.

Which does not mean you can't continue to care for each other in the dynamic and changing nature of a real world relationship. That in fact sometimes the most love you can give is to say nothing, that sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship is accept that you'll never agree on certain subjects, that sometimes being a good partner means just accepting that you don't particularly care for some facets of your partner but accepting that this is OK.

So where is the line between "This is another of the warts of reality that we should just deal with" and "Concealing something so that your partner might not leave you" (or phrases to that effect)?

And to flip it around, if a woman has gained weight from being slim, would you suggest that her husband should tell her that he is not so attracted to her anymore? To me, in either direction, it sounds like the husband's issue to deal with his attraction or lack thereof as best he can, and bringing it up would only be reasonable if he's done all that he can and realizes that he can not handle it in any mature way, and that is going to be poisoning things beyond that specific issue.


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## Ichida (Oct 17, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Really? So you can live without sex? I mean... for good? For the rest of your life without sex?



Depends - I mean if he just wouldnt give it to me cuz he was bein a jerk screw him - but if it like...i dunno...got his penis chopped off in some horrific accident...thats different, thats not his fault!

LOL that sounds so funny...


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## Ichida (Oct 17, 2008)

"Would his friends disown him if he lost weight? Would his mom tell him she had lost her desire to hug him if he weighed 160?"

Our friend is anorexic. Two of them actually, one male, one female. YOu have no clue how emotionally devastating that is. So yes, if he weighed 160 I would be so god damn worried, and all of us would be trying to help him and if he refused after years we would start pulling away in small ways - watching your friend die in front of you is too painful. And I am not his mom. I am his girlfriend - if he wants a "mommy" or friendly hug i'll do it. If he wants an omgiwanttojumpyourbones EEEEE hug...thats something I can't give to just anyone. If I could just give it out it wouldnt be reserved for him!

"It seems to me you've described a situation in which you get to tell your boyfriend that he's only attractive at a certain weight, and on the other hand you also get to tell him that he shouldn't care what others think or say about his weight."

He's attractive at any weight. I simply cannot get aroused if he is thin - he discovered that himself. He's told me things he cant take about me - I had short short hair and he told me straight out - you looked like a boy, Im not attracted to you like that. He couldn't even get it up at that time. When I framed the weight thing in those terms he got it instantly. I'm not saying he SHOULDN'T care, but if my friend said to me "Hey, your ugly as shit" - first of all they aren't a friend anymore, secondly I put HIS feelings about my look above that person's, because he is the one I want to look attractive for. I'm not saying to discount everything they say, but to prioritize it. If I lost my job and he went over to his parents because his mom is cooking his favourite chicken dish - that doesn't cut it.

"You've placed the burden of measuring up to your tastes on him. You've placed the burden of brushing off the criticism that he gets for being heavier (in order to please you) also on him. He has to stay fat to please you AND he also has to discount what everyone but you says--or the relationship isn't healthy. As long as you get to lay down the rules, it sounds like everything is going to be peachy keen."

He doesn't take the critism alone - ALL our friends know I prefer him chubbier, and I am a chubby chaser as they call it. If they razz him on his weight gently im like excuse me hands off that MY belly and they laugh. He'd got a hard comment or two about it, but he's realized that it doesn't matter as MUCH as what I think. He said to me "You were right, its not as if I want Matt or Ivy to see me as sexy anyway, so why do I care?" He doesn't have to stay fat for me, I told him he can stay thin and as fit as he wants, now that we worked out our other issues I'm here to stay, but I will need bottles of lube. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and said that he wants to pleasure me, whats the point otherwise? He said I'm going to be fat anyway - "I like overeating, I hate exercising. I'm going to be fat, and you like it. Seems to work out fine with me."

I have to conform for him - I shave and wax daily, make sure I have my hair done, makeup on, clothes look good, and I keep athletic cuz its what he likes. I got chubbier and he didn't like it - fair enough, doesn't matter to me! If it was up to me I'd bum around. I also have to become a different person for his family, and take all the insults they hurl at me. He knows how hard that if for me, that is a concession I make, because his family is THAT important to him.

As for the rules? You seem to think I'm the one running the show. I'm the dominant one in so far as we will eat THIS, we will eat THERE etc etc etc. He is the dominant one insofar as he crooks a finger and I come bounding, he frowns and I burst into tears.

Speaking of that - That turns him on, when I am crying my heart out. He had to get used to when he eats a big meal I get randy, and I had to realize after I cry his wanting to comfort me turns into something else. We each have our own 'things' that we find odd but we have learned to deal with and lovingly exploit.

"Where do you come in to share in the work in this relationship? Or is he simply supposed to be grateful that he gets a chance to date you?"

I don't know if this is about knowing yourself so much as about a seeming complete lack of awareness of the needs of other people."


Excuse me? Wow, thats harsh, and uncalled for considering you know nothing of the details of our relationship! My boyfriend is actually sitting next to me laughing because I'm so offended.

He LIKES me running the show day to day, and he LIKES me knowing what I want and getting it - and he knows all he has to do is hint he wants something and I will drop everything for him. He is the chilled out one that lets life flow. He needs me to help him keep organized and motivated. If you ask him what he wants to do he shrugs and if you press him he gets upset. He would rather just go WITH you somewhere. When he requests something we all know he REALLY wants to do it and we cave immediately. 

I on the other hand am the stresser, the motivated one, and I need him to be chilled out and relaxed. We balance each other completely. I'll come home bitching about work, he will hug me until I calm down, then he asks me for help on his resume because he got laid off and I spend every night for the next two weeks working on his resume, then finding places for him to apply to. I might seem like the one with high expectations but nothign gives me greater pleasure than pleasing him - he is the one person who, if disappointed, can have me bawling and emotionally devastated.

Being such opposits we had to compromise then draw a line in the sand for what we can and cannot tolerate, and what we will and cannot change.

I didn't post what I had to change for him - that doesn't mean there is nothing.


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## brainman (Dec 5, 2008)

I thought that an update would be appropriate.

a month ago my wife stopped dieting. I was not directly forcing or aksing her to do it, but despite that I'm having a bit of bad consciousness. Only a bit, though.

She told me that she actually liked the way she looked now when she had lost some weight. Time has shown that she really does. She dresses really nicely, making a bit more out of herself than normally, and she just eats what she wants.

It made me so happy that it's difficult to describe. But during the weeks after there was a complete mess of opposite feelings inside my head. I was happy that she didn't lose more weight but on the other side I was just about to get at least a bit accustomed to the thought of a skinnier version of her. Is was like making an oil tanker make a U-turn - and then, during the turn, getting the message that you can go back to the old direction again. Not an easy move, but, I have to admit, a lot easier than making the first turn.

I asked her about all this and she said that when she was at her highest, she just suddenly got very sad about looking the way she did and that she overreacted.

I think that if she ever grows tired of her figure again I am a bit better prepared and can make the mental move with more ease than this time. I am so happy that my wife is satisfied with herself. I really means more than if I am, because she is so much more attractive when she herself sexy too.

What made me most puzzled and happy in all this was that she one noght after an ...erm... romantic event told me that she liked the feeling of her body the way it was and that she really didn't want to lose much more weight, if any. She liked to feel her body jiggle and her tummy bulge. She liked to grab her rolls and feel my reaction when I saw it, and of course that made me walk around on a pink cloud (can you say that in English? Means VERY happy).

After she stopped dieting I have tried really hard not fall back to wishing that she was bigger. I think that I have accepted, not just superficially but also deep inside, that she is sexy at whatever weight. I feel okay although she has lost a total of 31 lbs, now being down to 233. In fact, she has gained 1 or 2 since she stopped dieting. And it's definitely not my fault. I like it, but I haven't done anything to make it happen. I just hope that she doesn't get sad again but it definitely doesn't look like that. I love her and don't want to make her sad again.

Enough talking. That's it for tonight.


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## olwen (Dec 5, 2008)

I'm glad you were able to work things out.


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## joswitch (Dec 7, 2008)

glad to hear things worked out well for both of you... It's been good to know I'm not only one going through this...

my gf is still losing (56lbs+ gone already in about 4months)... 

o' course now we've been seein' each other a while albeit in this open relationship we've feelings for each other... I mean she's ace! 

Entirely besides the whole I'm an FA thing which she knew when I met her ...when she was big (which she had always been)...
I've been very worried about the effect on her health short/mid/long term in losing so much so fast, cos y'know I actually care about her! 
...for all those of you who believe I can't possibly have rational objections to rapid weight loss and think it's all about my being an FA 1) do your research and 2) take your opinion and write it on bit of paper... roll it up small... and pop it right up your bum.. thanks so much!....:bow:

But I've talked all this through with her (thus annoying her hugely of course!) and she's still pressing ahead... and I had to chose if I tried to carry on or just finish things... and as I was certain we'd both be miserable if we split and there are encouraging signs she is at least planning an exit from this crash diet at some point in the next few months... and well, that I really, really dig her... I figured let's carry on and see how our feelings pan out... we saw each other yesterday and *ahem* "cleared the air" which was great...:blush: so now I can sleep at night knowing I at least tried everything I could to get her to rethink at least the speed and method of her weight loss... and as for the size/FA thing... imagining her thin... still cute... don't know if that'll work but we'll see....:bow:

ta for listening peeps...


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## Tad (Dec 8, 2008)

brainman said:


> I thought that an update would be appropriate.



thanks for the updates! And yah, I pretty much know how that feels....I love the supertanking turning metaphor, very much how it feels for me too!


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## pepso (Dec 8, 2008)

brainman said:


> *First, the questions, then the explanation behind them:*
> What would you do/feel if your partner lost weight and you just wanted him/her to gain instead? Would it affect your feelings for him/her og could you just live with it? I've heard of people who just couldn't live with their partner's loss and left them. Would you do the same? Would you still be attracted to your partner?
> Have you had any experince about this yourself or are you just guessing what you would do?
> 
> ...



Well, its normal to feel a bit bummed when something like that ends. But in the end, your love for her should overcome those feelings. My advice to you is to talk to her about the possibility of her losing the weight, but adding the illusion of size to your love life. Ask her if she could simply not share her weight loss escapades with you, and while in bed, have her seductively dirty talk you about gaining weight and about how much she loves her growing body.

Thing is, it will work. You see her constantly I'm sure, you won't notice a difference until its a large amount of weight lost. At the moment, if she didn't tell you otherwise, you may not have noticed easily, its the number that bothers you. Tell her to simply leave the number to herself, that it bothers you, and it may cause you to react badly to the concept. Tell her you love her so much you want her to have the body she wants, and you don't want your mental anguish to guilt her at all. So the best thing to do is to deceive yourself, have her divulge your wildest fantasies by role playing, have her talk about gaining or maintaining her weight, and have her never mention the loss until she stops losing weight.

I know the feeling of this prospect, its not a nice feeling to have. Fortunately I've solved my issue in a way that my girlfriend continues to gain weight, and remains comfortable. But, if it went in a different direction, or if she chooses she no longer likes the changes that occur in her body, the course of action I described is the one I plan to take.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 8, 2008)

I think I could work through it. My biggest thing is the mind, so that would be the thing that would make my work hard. So it really depends on how they respond to weight loss. if I really feel a link with them: I think it would be a cakewalk, but not without work, but I've already said more than once that I have extreme disdain for weight loss/gain evangelists, so if my partner turned out that way, we would have grave problems to work out.

Congrats on finding a happy medium.


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## olwen (Dec 8, 2008)

pepso said:


> Well, its normal to feel a bit bummed when something like that ends. But in the end, your love for her should overcome those feelings. *My advice to you is to talk to her about the possibility of her losing the weight, but adding the illusion of size to your love life. Ask her if she could simply not share her weight loss escapades with you, and while in bed, have her seductively dirty talk you about gaining weight and about how much she loves her growing body.*
> 
> Thing is, it will work. You see her constantly I'm sure, you won't notice a difference until its a large amount of weight lost. At the moment, if she didn't tell you otherwise, you may not have noticed easily, its the number that bothers you. Tell her to simply leave the number to herself, that it bothers you, and it may cause you to react badly to the concept. Tell her you love her so much you want her to have the body she wants, and you don't want your mental anguish to guilt her at all. So the best thing to do is to deceive yourself, have her divulge your wildest fantasies by role playing, have her talk about gaining or maintaining her weight, and have her never mention the loss until she stops losing weight.
> 
> I know the feeling of this prospect, its not a nice feeling to have. Fortunately I've solved my issue in a way that my girlfriend continues to gain weight, and remains comfortable. But, if it went in a different direction, or if she chooses she no longer likes the changes that occur in her body, the course of action I described is the one I plan to take.



This part of your post stood out for me. I'm kind of bothered by your use of the word "escapades" regarding weight loss. It isn't something light or fun. It's damned hard and it sometimes requires herculean mental and physical adjustments, so I would be hella pissed if I was asked to just abandon the mental work I'd put into loosing weight even if it meant pleasing the FA sexually. I'd be resentful and my performance in bed would suffer. I would interpret those suggestions as...I would think he wasn't supporting me even if he said he was. It would just create distance - for me anyway. This kind of stuff happened to me with my friends. They'd say the were supporting me, but then did and said the exact opposite often. It was hard for me to go thru and those were friends. It would be even harder to deal with it from a significant other. I don't think an FA should abandon their feelings on the matter or pretend he/she's not feeling them, but I just have to wonder how you would be affected if you had experienced what it's like to loose or gain significant amounts of weight as an FA. In other words, I'm wondering if your empathy for the situation change in any way if you had experienced it.

Obviously, this is why these situations are so icky and painful, and I'm glad Brainman found a way to work things out. If you were in Brainman's situation and you used the advice you suggested and it worked out for you then I'd say I was surprised.


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## Adrian (Dec 16, 2008)

Back in May of 1972 my wife had intestinal bypass surgery. During this time doctors were losing one out of every three patients in the USA! In Canada, the surgery was outlawed in late 1972!
My wife had been gaining weight at a rate of 1 to 1½ pounds per month since we got married in 1965! She would gain weight go on a diet, lose 10 to 15 pounds then hit a plateau and, not lose anymore weight. I found it was the most exciting part of my life. I discovered I not only loved BBWs but, I loved SSBBWs even more!! I found her most attractive at 270 to 290 pounds (at 5' - 8" tall).
My wife had the surgery and was in the hospital for thirteen days. She started losing weight immediately and consistently. She had twelve feet of excess small intestines that was bypassed. The extra small intestine is what was causing the continuous weight gain. I watch my gorgeous wife virtually disappear.
While she did go through some personality changes, for everyone else thought she was getting better looking. The ugly duckling became a swan. She finally bottomed out at 185 pounds. A mere shadow of her former self. She was still somewhat attractive to me but, a long ways from the woman I found fantastic. The element of lust was gone completely!!! (When a woman gets ready to go shopping on Saturday, goes into the bedroom to change her blouse, her husband is already in the bedroom, and he doesn't "get frisky" an important element of the marriage is gone.) This also exposed a character flaw in me, that I could not adjust!!
After eight years of struggling, she realized that if she didn't put on some weight, she would definitely lose me, and she was correct! So she went back to 240 pounds, her weight when we got married. She has drifted between 230 to 255 pounds ever since.
The personality changes while different were manageable. I got used to her more up beat and attitude about herself.
'We' have been able to make our marriage work for 43 years. That period of time between 1972 and 1980 is something I would never want to re-live (somewhat like boot camp in the Marines)! My recommendation is if a person wants to lose a lot of weight, do so before entering a relationship, in the best of all worlds.

Adrian


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