# Fat peeps- do you, personally, blame any of your weight on influence of an FA/Feeder?



## joswitch (Dec 23, 2010)

Subtitle:
"Behind every fat person.... a feeder?"

Alrighty...
I'm hugely bored with every single time we get a thread where someone is having problems due possibly / probably / definitely to their weight, it always being hijacked as a platform for "this is why feeders are EEEEeeeeevvviiiiiillllll"....
Even / often when there are no feeders at all in view in the referenced article / person in question's life....
Not to mention the epic failure of the feeder-critics to grasp that most feeders are not actually pushing their partners "to immobility and beyond!" But, whatthehey...

Now, I'm rubbish at betting, but I bet that out of all the big folks on here only a veeerrrry small % have gained any weight at all at the behest of an FA / feeder... 
I'm just not convinced we feeders are this tremendously pervasive, powerful worldwide network...

But hey, never mind the speculation, let's have some data!
So, please respond:
Fat peeps - do you, *personally*, blame none / any /some / all of *your* weight on the influence of an FA/Feeder/Encourager?
If so? To what extent?
If not? Care to share what other influences you think were / are important in making you the size of person you are today?

Please, no cheating!
If you knew someone (who knew someone) or you saw a mockumentary on TV, or heard about it at a club / on the web - that doesn't count! Even if your source were true, chances are many other people will have seen / heard the same so reporting that would have a false multiplier effect and will skew the data. So - *your personal experience only please.*

And, if just this once, we could skip the whole:
"Oh, joswitch you're this, you're that, whatthefuckever"
that would be so nice... Thankyews!

Also - Merry Xmas!

P.S.:
- It's a private poll, so you can vote without people knowing it's you.
- I wanted to ask how you feel about it, so extra questions 
- And you can pick more than one answer / all that apply to you...
- If you think this poll is crap, go make your own.
- Yes, I am a bit drunk! Wahey!


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## joswitch (Dec 23, 2010)

P.S.:
- It's a private poll, so you can vote without people knowing it's you.
- I wanted to ask how you feel about it, so extra questions 
- And you can pick more than one answer / all that apply to you...
- If you think this poll is crap, go make your own.
- Yes, I am a bit drunk! Wahey!


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## imfree (Dec 23, 2010)

Back when I was a scrawny kid, Oma (German, Grandma) would urge me to eat, saying essen, Egdah! She was a sweet, tender-hearted, heavy-set, Grandma.


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## Dmitra (Dec 23, 2010)

Aside from my own version of imfree's sweet, heavy-set Grandma (dad's mother), no one's ever been an encourager of eating to me, not even the one open FA I dated. I attribute my bounteous fat to genetics and metabolic catastrophe, i.e., yo-yo dieting and refeeding behavior, with a side helping of "exercise is boring".


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 23, 2010)

I don't "blame" any of my weight/weight gain on anybody but yes, I have been influenced towards gaining/staying at my current weight by a FA/feeder and also due to this community in general. I also think my own interest and participation in feederism has undermined my efforts to maintain or lose weight. 

I have been in relationships (some romantic and some purely sexual) with feeders and FAs where weight gain was not THE ultimate goal but usually happened. I found this to be especially true in one particular long term relationship with a FA/feeder where I gained about 40-50 pounds in a period of probably 4 months (the first 4 months of the relationship.) Food & fatness were directly connected to our sex life so I ate a lot more than I normally would. I don't blame him for the weight gain whatsoever, we both enjoyed it immensely and I was the one putting the food in my mouth (well, not necessarily.. but you get the idea) but I do think I was heavily influenced by him and our combined sexuality. I don't regret it, but I do think that in the future I would be more careful. 

As much as I love feederism and as connected it is to my sexuality, I don't think I would ever be compatible with a feeder long term because although eating/feeding and gaining weight is very gratifying sexually for me I have plans and expectations for my life that don't mesh with weighing more than I currently do. I've been maintaining for the first time in my life and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. It's disheartening to me that I would not be a viable match for most FAs/feeders because of my desire to stay where I currently am or even lose. I've been told many times that I'm not a feedee because feedees are ALWAYS gaining or ALWAYS have weight gain goals or at the very least are okay with gaining weight. Most men don't want to talk to me if I'm not willing to cater to their fantasy. It's easy to say this is just those anonymous online dudes but I have talked to a few (admittedly not all) well known community guys and gotten the same (usually a little more toned version.) It seems stupid to be offended by this, but I am because I AM a feedee.. but there is so much more to me than that. An orgasm lasts 30 seconds and even the best orgasm in the world is not worth trading in for thousands of days of enjoyable life. The GAINGAINGAINGAIN mentality is very frustrating for me personally.

I think it influences many women on these boards and even more so those who partake in IRL community get togethers. Fat is seen as attractive and fatter as more attractive.. it's not that a girl necessarily goes out and eats a pie because some feeder on the internet said she should.. it's that the general idea of fat & eating being okay/encouraged is planted into someones mind and can affect their day to day. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it's a thing that happens. It happened to me in my Dims honeymoon phase, and I've heard other girls say the same thing. So, yes, I think it's fair to say that for SOME girls in SOME cases feeders & FAs do influence them to gain weight. I refuse to make a statement re: blame because people/situations/bodies are far too complex to make a definitive placement.

EDIT: Reasons I'm fat - PCOS, genes, eating habits, exercise habits, feederism, some level of disordered eating.


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## penguin (Dec 23, 2010)

Not at all. I'm the weight I am due to laziness, lack of self discipline and fear of the emotional fallout of losing the weight. I'm never going to be skinny, with these hips and boobs, but I want to be healthier. It's just a huge change.


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## Meddlecase (Dec 23, 2010)

Nah, my fat is based on me sitting around playing video games when I was a kid as apposed to running into poles and other solid stationary objects outside. I can blame this on my dad, who refused me the option of going next door and playing with my then best friend. Thinking back, it might've been because he was Salvadorian. My dad is/was(haven't seen him in forever) an idiot. Long story short, my inactivity stayed with me throughout my life until recently, when I made the decision to get out every day and get a good amount of exercise.


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 23, 2010)

I've always been around fat-phobic people, family or not. So no FAs or feeders. Just my own natural problem.


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## lovelocs (Dec 24, 2010)

...I'mfatcuzI'mfatcuzI'mfat...


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## PamelaLois (Dec 24, 2010)

I would have to say none of my weight gain has been due to a FA/Feeder. It's probably more due to the hormonal clusterf&*k that is PCOS and my parents constant pressure to lose weight causing me to have eating issues as a teenager.


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## bonified (Dec 24, 2010)

None. I adore food, as I adore most other feel good fun instant gratification things. I do everything I like to excess, hence the size of my arse. A traumatic event that caused me, I believe, to become less active is the catalyst. Fat or thin and I've been happy and sad as both I am the master of my own destiny, conscious or not.


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## bigjayne66 (Dec 24, 2010)

I gained the first 150lbs of fat on my own,after being widowed in 2003,my latest squeeze(well he does most of the squeezing) wasn't really an FA or feeder,but he seems to be getting sucked into both,but more of an encourager than a feeder,he buys me stuff,I eat it lol


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## imfree (Dec 24, 2010)

imfree said:


> Back when I was a scrawny kid, Oma (German, Grandma) would urge me to eat, saying essen, Egdah! She was a sweet, tender-hearted, heavy-set, Grandma.



Here's a better spelling of how Oma and most Germans would pronounce "Edgar": (Et'gah)


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## joswitch (Dec 24, 2010)

Great, interesting responses one and all, do please keep 'em coming....




thatgirl08 said:


> I don't "blame" any of my weight/weight gain on anybody but yes, I have been influenced towards gaining/staying at my current weight by a FA/feeder and also due to this community in general. I also think my own interest and participation in feederism has undermined my efforts to maintain or lose weight.
> 
> I have been in relationships (some romantic and some purely sexual) with feeders and FAs where weight gain was not THE ultimate goal but usually happened. I found this to be especially true in one particular long term relationship with a FA/feeder where I gained about 40-50 pounds in a period of probably 4 months (the first 4 months of the relationship.) Food & fatness were directly connected to our sex life so I ate a lot more than I normally would. I don't blame him for the weight gain whatsoever, we both enjoyed it immensely and I was the one putting the food in my mouth (well, not necessarily.. but you get the idea) but I do think I was heavily influenced by him and our combined sexuality. I don't regret it, but I do think that in the future I would be more careful.
> 
> As much as I love feederism and as connected it is to my sexuality, I don't think I would ever be compatible with a feeder long term because although eating/feeding and gaining weight is very gratifying sexually for me I have plans and expectations for my life that don't mesh with weighing more than I currently do. I've been maintaining for the first time in my life and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. It's disheartening to me that I would not be a viable match for most FAs/feeders because of my desire to stay where I currently am or even lose. *I've been told many times that I'm not a feedee because feedees are ALWAYS gaining or ALWAYS have weight gain goals or at the very least are okay with gaining weight.* Most men don't want to talk to me if I'm not willing to cater to their fantasy. It's easy to say this is just those anonymous online dudes but I have talked to a few (admittedly not all) well known community guys and gotten the same (usually a little more toned version.) It seems stupid to be offended by this, but I am because I AM a feedee.. but there is so much more to me than that. An orgasm lasts 30 seconds and even the best orgasm in the world is not worth trading in for thousands of days of enjoyable life. The GAINGAINGAINGAIN mentality is very frustrating for me personally.



It's interesting that you say that - a long time ago I worked out a (very sexy) compromise on the whole feeder kink with my then (chubby) gf, by which we were able to keep the feeding itself "token / ceremonial" and just "play" with it in the bedroom, just like BDSM folks do (imagination=key)... Without her actually gaining any... In relationships since I've found this worked out as a good way to enjoy the kink, without it becoming an overwhelming issue... I'm surprised more peeps haven't found a route to such a compromise... I keep thinking I should write a blurb about the ins and outs of the hotts of token / ceremonial feederism, guess maybe I should?



> I think it influences many women on these boards and even more so those who partake in IRL community get togethers. Fat is seen as attractive and fatter as more attractive.. it's not that a girl necessarily goes out and eats a pie because some feeder on the internet said she should.. it's that the general idea of fat & eating being okay/encouraged is planted into someones mind and can affect their day to day. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it's a thing that happens. It happened to me in my Dims honeymoon phase, and I've heard other girls say the same thing. So, yes, I think it's fair to say that for SOME girls in SOME cases feeders & FAs do influence them to gain weight. I refuse to make a statement re: blame because people/situations/bodies are far too complex to make a definitive placement.
> 
> EDIT: Reasons I'm fat - PCOS, genes, eating habits, exercise habits, feederism, some level of disordered eating.


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## Emma (Dec 24, 2010)

I don't think I can use the word blame but I have gained weight under the direct influence of a man. Was he evil and did he pressure me into gaining weight? No. Did I eat more and gain because I was with someone who enjoyed it? Yes. It takes two to tango and I have always had an interest in all this stuff so when I had someone to explore it with it was fun and I did gain weight so some of my current weight is down to that person. 

Some of the weight I am carrying now I can directly attribute to my husband. He is an FA but not a feeder. He knows I enjoy food and he wants to make me happy. I've gained more weight with him than I ever did with the people who were interested in feederism. 

All in all though, my weight is down to me. I was always able to say no. Blaming someone else is taking the responsibility away from ones self. I think a lot of the women who blame the 'evil' feeders do so because it takes the blame away from them and 'justifies' the weight gain.


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## HeavyDuty24 (Dec 24, 2010)

well maybe when i was younger i can say people could have not fed me unhealthy things or suggest i ate them.but as i got older it was my own choices mostly.due to unhealthy food choices and over-eating.lol but sometimes you are forced to eat junk when there is nothing else haha.lol


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## imfree (Dec 24, 2010)

HeavyDuty24 said:


> well maybe when i was younger i can say people could have not fed me unhealthy things or suggest i ate them.but as i got older it was my own choices mostly.due to unhealthy food choices and over-eating.lol but *sometimes you are forced to eat junk when there is nothing else* haha.lol



I've been there, so I can affirm that statement. Poverty tends to limit food availability to high-carb, low nutrition foods. People may say obesity leads to poverty, but poverty also contributes to obesity!


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## HeavyDuty24 (Dec 24, 2010)

imfree said:


> I've been there, so I can affirm that statement. Poverty tends to limit food availability to high-carb, low nutrition foods. People may say obesity leads to poverty, but poverty also contributes to obesity!




i agree with you completely man.and healthy foods are WAAAAY more expensive then the unhealthy foods.it's expensive to eat healthy.sometimes you really are forced when there is nothing else or if your money is low.the unhealthy food is indeed cheaper.


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## Deven (Dec 24, 2010)

imfree said:


> I've been there, so I can affirm that statement. Poverty tends to limit food availability to high-carb, low nutrition foods. People may say obesity leads to poverty, but poverty also contributes to obesity!



Thats why the government is now experimenting with giving people vouchers for farmers market produce along with their foodstamps. They are testing if its the fact that healthy food is more expensive, and therefore overlooked in favor of all the junk food that's fairly cheap and accessible or if people who need foodstamps just don't know what a proper diet is (aka miseducation.)
*
Onto the topic:* It would be so much easier if I could blame the FAs. I blame myself. I was a ballerina growing up, I *KNOW* better than this. I know proper diet and exercise (even though in ballet I often DIDN'T follow a proper diet because gaining weight was a cardinal sin, so I'd eat low calorie foods, like lettuce. Or I'd chew whatever was infront of me and spit it out in napkin.)

So, when I had my accident and was told that I wouldn't be able to dance again, I finally took advantage of all the food that I was unable to eat in my youth. It also didn't help that I had maintained a vegan diet due to religious reasons, and that I came out of the accident an Athiest. I started consuming meat and dairy (again, I did eat meat as a small child.) So, slowly, my portions became larger. So I gained weight. Then the self-loathing kicked in. So I'd drown my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's. 

My first first FA didn't help. We'd just eat junk every weekend (he "worked" during the week. Little did I know he was actually pretending to be a family man with his fiance and baby) even though he was diabetic. Chinese buffet was a typical friday night, where I'd eat 3 or 4 plates. I'd work 10 hour shifts Sat/Sun, and I'd order some sort of takeout or my mom would bring me food that she cooked (I didn't get a lunch break.) When I got off work, me and the First FA would go out and get Burger King. We'd gorge, do you know what, go to bed, I'd wake him up, drive him home before work (he wrecked 3 cars in a year,) and eat whatever muffin/doughnut/fast food that I picked up before work. 

When I worked the late shift during the week, I'd go to a diner before bed. Seriously? I'd eat a big plateful of diner food, 3 or 4 sodas, and a desert. That doesn't count the occasional appetizer. Then all I'd do is crawl into bed, and the next day start over.

I still have a love/hate relationship with food. I LOVE to eat. I love different textures. I just love food in general. But then my mom, my grandmother, my great aunt, my brother, (and the list goes on) tell me that I need to watch what I eat. So, I stop eating infront of my family, so I wait till they go to bed and eat whatever I want.

And yet, *I KNOW BETTER!* I know that my daily calorie intake should be 1,500 or less. I know I should be exercising. I know I shouldn't have that slice of pizza and a glass of chocolate milk before bed. And yet, I do.

So who is to blame for my weight? Myself. Because I KNOW BETTER and don't do anything about it.


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 24, 2010)

I agree about the bad foods and poverty thing. I've been under the line of poverty for most of my life, relying on canned foods from food drives to support my family and get us through the week with food in our tummies. That's most likely the major cause of gain from food.


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## The Orange Mage (Dec 24, 2010)

joswitch said:


> It's interesting that you say that - a long time ago I worked out a (very sexy) compromise on the whole feeder kink with my then (chubby) gf, by which we were able to keep the feeding itself "token / ceremonial" and just "play" with it in the bedroom, just like BDSM folks do (imagination=key)... Without her actually gaining any... In relationships since I've found this worked out as a good way to enjoy the kink, without it becoming an overwhelming issue... I'm surprised more peeps haven't found a route to such a compromise... I keep thinking I should write a blurb about the ins and outs of the hotts of token / ceremonial feederism, guess maybe I should?



This is pretty much the only good way to indulge in feedery things, IMO. Dan, with his 'ask a guy who likes fat chicks' blog, answered a question I sent in long ago and opened my eyes regarding how to deal with weight gain fantasies: *It never actually needs to happen.* It's just a stupid kink that is only around when I'm horny and us completely irrelevant post-orgasm, and can be taken advantage of to get me all hot and bothered, end of story. :blush: :doh:

The only tricky thing about having this kind of role-playing is that the other person needs to either share similar fantasies or be a convincing actor/actress who knows how to play the role well.


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## superodalisque (Dec 24, 2010)

no not at all. its all due to me. i had my lbs before i even knew what dims was. actually dims caused me to lose weight for two reasons:

-because i have a rebellious streak and i highly resent having anyone tell me what to do with my body so i'm 
highly likely to do the opposite. there were lots of people telling me that i should get bigger to please them here. 

-i saw some and heard some of the realities about being larger than i could 
personally handle, and had friends here tell me exactly why i needed to be 
careful and exactly what i had to watch out for in order not to go too far for 
me personally.

i wouldn't allow anyone to make me gain if i didn't want to. i have been around people who tried very hard but i was really uncomfortable with another person focusing on and trying to take control of my weight. the idea was just very smothering for me personally. it made me feel the same way it did when anyone was insisting i should lose and bothering me about my weight all of the time. many of the feeders i've known are great people and would never consciously press anyone that wasn't into it themselves. but its true they are always giving you candy etc... and trying to get you to eat even when you are full and forming whole activities around eating meals and nearly nothing else. they are guys trying to be nice in the way they think pleases fat women but actually its only certain to please them.

i have also met a number who try to be heavily controlling and even try to play emotional blackmail games. they intentionally look for women they think they can easily manipulate who are new and have had their self esteem bruised too much. i know a lot of the ladies know exactly the kinds of folks i'm talking about. thats why they often get called trolls because they hang out under the drawbridge waiting to cyber pounce on some poor unsuspecting innocent. they start the conversation the same with all of the ladies. not "what is your name?" but "how much do you weight?" "don't you hate the skinny bitches? "you're prettier that her because you are bigger, have bigger hips , are a pear, have a bigger belly, thighs, you'd be so much prettier if you gained 50 more lbs, i could really fall for you if you had more rolls blah blah blah... i'm not even kidding. and, thats the first contact. so you know exactly what its about--not you. its no secret. most of us avoid them like the plague. and there are a LOT of them. too bad the other guys who don't do that stuff don't know exactly how many there are. 

those are the guys who make feederism scary because its so obvious how fully manipulative they are of the other person when it comes to their drives. some actually enjoy making someone gain who doesn't want to and seeing them upset by that. crying turns them on. some have even admitted as much to me. on guy showed me a clip about Japanese crying girl fetish and told me it makes him hot to think of a fat girl doing it over gaining. another told me he wasn't into feedees because they were not much of a challenge to him and he found them to be fawning and simpering (not my words but his). he likes for his woman to get fat hate it initially and then for it to end up as a "pleasant" surprise. he assumes that because he enjoys the weight gain and is highly excited by it that she will reap all of the benefits and naturally be happier. thats where the pleasantly surprised part comes in. its all about him. sometimes when i see a post about some guy somewhere trying to find out how to trick an SO into getting fatter, even if they don't want to, i think of that. tricking someone into gaining is not so good. i've been reading around lately, not just here, and saw a guy bragging about putting things unknowingly into a woman's food and the resulting weight gain complete with pix and a nasty e-mail from the "former" SO to illustrate that it was true and to let everyone know clearly that it was not just a fantasy. sometimes, in my experience, it only becomes just a fantasy for certain guys if you won't actually do it.

no matter what, it is a fat person's choice if they get involved though. we do have to keep our guards up with certain people and be careful not to get involved in something we really don't want with people who really don't care. unfortunately i have to say that nearly all of my friends who got into real trouble with their weight were with a feeder at the time. thats not to say its the feeder's fault necessarily, just that there is something in a dynamic with someone who loves it when their partner gains and someone who might have a food addiction as well. so if that combo is on the table people really need to be extremely careful so they don't get carried away. its a possibility that one day reality might become waaay more exciting than fantasy, at least for a while. that makes it even more important that both parties always pay close attention to what is actually happening.


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## Tracyarts (Dec 24, 2010)

No, no feeders.

But I did gain a LOT of weight while involved in friendships with people who were really into eating a lot of unhealthy stuff. I guess I was an eating partner. The choice to engage in the behavior was mine, and mine alone; but after I hurt my back, I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do with friends, and going to a restaurant, or to somebody's home for a meal or for pizza and a movie was painless, relatively cheap, and easy. And that's pretty much all these friends wanted to do. Was go do food together. I could have abstained or simply exercised moderation, but there was an element of pressure to "keep up" with them in terms of food intake, and the kinds of foods they wanted and places they wanted to go generally weren't healthy or reasonably portioned. 

It's the same with my husband and a couple of people he knows, except their overindulgance is alcohol. You don't just hang out with them and have a beer. They are hardcore drinkers and if you're not keeping up shot for shot or beer for beer, then there's friction. It was a lot like that with these eating friends of mine. I had to step back from the friendships with the eaters like my husband is having to step back with his friendships with the drinkers. 

It's great to share a meal, or have a drink with your friends, but when that's all they want to do, and do to extreme excess, it's just not a healthy situation to place yourself in.

It's something I wish I had figured out sooner, but it is what it is and eventually I figured it out and made healthier choices to undo the weight gain and the damage it caused. 

Tracy


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## joswitch (Dec 24, 2010)

The Orange Mage said:


> This is pretty much the only good way to indulge in feedery things, IMO.



I wouldn't say that, myself. That would be to invalidate those (and I'm particularly thinking of certain feedees here) for whom gaining is a must, where it's more than a kink but a crucial part of their self-identity.



> Dan, with his 'ask a guy who likes fat chicks' blog, answered a question I sent in long ago and opened my eyes regarding how to deal with weight gain fantasies: *It never actually needs to happen.* It's just a stupid kink that is only around when I'm horny and us completely irrelevant post-orgasm, and can be taken advantage of to get me all hot and bothered, end of story. :blush: :doh:



Broadly agree. For those like you and me (I'm a feeder/somewhat-switch) for whom it is a kink, then token feederism can definitely be a cool way to go.



> The only tricky thing about having this kind of role-playing is that the other person needs to either share similar fantasies or be a convincing actor/actress who knows how to play the role well.



To be honest, if your partner is making the effort to indulge your fantasies I'd hope you'd be a fairly uncritical audience*... I dunno, I've had a lot of joy from this with a few different girls, without anyone being up for a BAFTA... 

*not to mention reciprocating in kind...


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## joswitch (Dec 24, 2010)

Tracyarts said:


> No, no feeders.
> 
> But I did gain a LOT of weight while involved in friendships with people who were really into eating a lot of unhealthy stuff. I guess I was an eating partner. The choice to engage in the behavior was mine, and mine alone; but after I hurt my back, I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do with friends, and going to a restaurant, or to somebody's home for a meal or for pizza and a movie was painless, relatively cheap, and easy. And that's pretty much all these friends wanted to do. Was go do food together. I could have abstained or simply exercised moderation, but there was an element of pressure to "keep up" with them in terms of food intake, and the kinds of foods they wanted and places they wanted to go generally weren't healthy or reasonably portioned.
> 
> ...



Y'see, I'd think ^that kind of keep-up peer pressure would be way more common than any kind of feedism...


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## joswitch (Dec 24, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> *snip*
> 
> i have also met a number who try to be heavily controlling and even try to play emotional blackmail games. they intentionally look for women they think they can easily manipulate who are new and have had their self esteem bruised too much. i know a lot of the ladies know exactly the kinds of folks i'm talking about. thats why they often get called trolls because they hang out under the drawbridge waiting to cyber pounce on some poor unsuspecting innocent. they start the conversation the same with all of the ladies. not "what is your name?" but *"how much do you weight?" "don't you hate the skinny bitches? "you're prettier that her because you are bigger, have bigger hips , are a pear, have a bigger belly, thighs, you'd be so much prettier if you gained 50 more lbs*, i could really fall for you if you had more rolls blah blah blah... i'm not even kidding. and, thats the first contact. so you know exactly what its about--not you. its no secret. most of us avoid them like the plague. and there are a LOT of them. too bad the other guys who don't do that stuff don't know exactly how many there are.



Does anyone really fall for that tho'?
I've read endless screeds from women on various boards who are hugely pissed off by the "guess the weight" spammers... I've never heard from one who said - "Oh yeah, he asked my weight before my name and I totally fell for him!"

Also, even if we knew exactly how many herp-derp-feedaz are out there - what difference does it make to anyone? I don't have a satellite with a laser to sever their internet connections (or something)...




> those are the guys who make feederism scary



Yes, but only in the same way that: 
Creepy members of any Group X - may cause people who are not Xers - to assume that all Xers are, in fact, creepy.

Which is what we call "prejudice".



> because its so obvious how fully manipulative they are of the other person when it comes to their drives. some actually enjoy making someone gain who doesn't want to and seeing them upset by that. crying turns them on. some have even admitted as much to me. *one guy* showed me a clip about Japanese crying girl fetish and told me it makes him hot to think of a fat girl doing it over gaining. another told me he wasn't into feedees because they were not much of a challenge to him and he found them to be fawning and simpering (not my words but his). he likes for his woman to get fat hate it initially and then for it to end up as a "pleasant" surprise. he assumes that because he enjoys the weight gain and is highly excited by it that she will reap all of the benefits and naturally be happier. thats where the pleasantly surprised part comes in.



That's *one guy* with a "misery fetish" right there. Or a lifestyle Sadist / Dominator - i.e. a bastard. So I suspect he doesn't give a crap if she's *pleasantly* surprised.

In contrast, while plenty of people may enjoy BDSM type play, most of us who do - manage to engage in it in a safe, sane, consensual fashion. Even the "crying-girl" thing could be role-played. (OK, that wouldn't satisfy your pal the bastard, but..)





> its all about him. sometimes when i see a post about some guy somewhere trying to find out how to trick an SO into getting fatter, even if they don't want to, i think of that. tricking someone into gaining is not so good. i've been reading around lately, not just here, and saw a guy bragging about putting things unknowingly into a woman's food and the resulting weight gain complete with pix and a nasty e-mail from the "former" SO to illustrate that it was true and to let everyone know clearly that it was not just a fantasy. sometimes, in my experience, *it only becomes just a fantasy for certain guys if you won't actually do it.*



Errr, well yeah, but isn't that the point? That is should be the feedee's CHOICE (fantasy/reality - gain/ not gain)? 
Why is it somehow a BAD thing that a feeder adapt his urges into a fantasy play, if that's what his partner is comfortable with? Surely, that willingness to compromise and consider your partner is a GOOD thing?

Even within choosing to gain tho' - there's a whole spectrum that can start as low as picking up 5lbs on a sexay holiday... Even gaining feedees don't necessarily have to gain a lot, nor gain fast, nor persistently to get that scha-wiiiing... (my switchness speaking there)



> no matter what, it is a fat person's choice if they get involved though. we do have to keep our guards up with certain people and be careful not to get involved in something we really don't want with people who really don't care. unfortunately i have to say that nearly all of my friends who got into real trouble with their weight were with a feeder at the time. thats not to say its the feeder's fault necessarily, just that there is something in a dynamic with someone who loves it when their partner gains and someone who might have a food addiction as well. so if that combo is on the table people really need to be extremely careful so they don't get carried away. *its a possibility that one day reality might become waaay more exciting than fantasy, at least for a while. that makes it even more important that both parties always pay close attention to what is actually happening.*



^Which would be part of - loving each other.

On which note - the clock on the wall says:
MERRY XMAS!!


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 24, 2010)

It's reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who finds roleplaying an acceptable alternative. :]


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## HeavyDuty24 (Dec 25, 2010)

Tracyarts said:


> No, no feeders.
> 
> But I did gain a LOT of weight while involved in friendships with people who were really into eating a lot of unhealthy stuff. I guess I was an eating partner. The choice to engage in the behavior was mine, and mine alone; but after I hurt my back, I couldn't do a lot of the things I used to do with friends, and going to a restaurant, or to somebody's home for a meal or for pizza and a movie was painless, relatively cheap, and easy. And that's pretty much all these friends wanted to do. Was go do food together. I could have abstained or simply exercised moderation, but there was an element of pressure to "keep up" with them in terms of food intake, and the kinds of foods they wanted and places they wanted to go generally weren't healthy or reasonably portioned.
> 
> ...




great post and i agree,i know people just like that.i have been freinds with smokers and drinkers and are offered to smoke and drink all the time.but i always refuse cause it's just not my thing.what sucks though is the people that get pissed and offended when you turn them down. 

i just think a real freind would be more understanding you know.it is easy to become creatures of habit,healthy eating is a lonely road,alot of people just don't understand it.everytime i try and eat healthy my family sometimes are like "why can't you just eat what everyone else is eating".

i could but im trying to eat a healthy dinner,but some don't get that atleast some in my faimy don't.lol your evironment,people you hang around can affect what you eat believe it or not this is true.some people eat out of being sad,some people eat because there happy.

i seriously don't even think i eat that much,it's just what i eat sometimes and my big portion sides that's teh killers. and when you go to a restaurant with family and freinds then other something healthy you get the response "that's all your getting"? or "you could have stayed at home and at that" really does suck sometimes.eating healthy truely is a lonely road,some really don't understand it when it is trying to be done. going to a movie then to a pizza joint is cheap and easy.but going to a move then say farmer's market or an organic store afterwards is much harder and much more expensive...


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## HeavyDuty24 (Dec 25, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> no not at all. its all due to me. i had my lbs before i even knew what dims was. actually dims caused me to lose weight for two reasons:
> 
> -because i have a rebellious streak and i highly resent having anyone tell me what to do with my body so i'm
> highly likely to do the opposite. there were lots of people telling me that i should get bigger to please them here.
> ...




great post and i do agree.i hate it when someone tries to force me into something and im not quite ready yet.i respect people when there not ready to do something,so i would expect the same in return. i hate it when my brother would pressure me to lose weight or exercise.i'll lose weight and excerise when i am ready and feel like it.i never pressured him into doing something he should be doing or didn't want to do.pushing someone to do something they don't want to or are not quite ready for will lead to pre-mature failure in the end anyway...


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## Emma (Dec 25, 2010)

I think I should stop doing well thought out replies to threads because no one ever seems to respond to them. Screw it.


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## joswitch (Dec 25, 2010)

CurvyEm said:


> I don't think I can use the word blame but I have gained weight under the direct influence of a man. Was he evil and did he pressure me into gaining weight? No. Did I eat more and gain because I was with someone who enjoyed it? Yes.* It takes two to tango *and I have always had an interest in all this stuff so when I had someone to explore it with it was fun and I did gain weight so some of my current weight is down to that person.
> 
> Some of the weight I am carrying now I can directly attribute to my husband. He is an FA but not a feeder. *He knows I enjoy food and he wants to make me happy. I've gained more weight with him than I ever did with the people who were interested in feederism. *
> 
> All in all though, my weight is* down to me*. I was always able to say no. Blaming someone else is taking the responsibility away from ones self. I think a lot of the women who blame the 'evil' feeders do so because it takes the blame away from them and 'justifies' the weight gain.



Well, I for one am glad you posted!
I like that you take responsibility for yourself.


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 25, 2010)

CurvyEm said:


> I don't think I can use the word blame but I have gained weight under the direct influence of a man. Was he evil and did he pressure me into gaining weight? No. Did I eat more and gain because I was with someone who enjoyed it? Yes. It takes two to tango and I have always had an interest in all this stuff so when I had someone to explore it with it was fun and I did gain weight so some of my current weight is down to that person.
> 
> Some of the weight I am carrying now I can directly attribute to my husband. He is an FA but not a feeder. He knows I enjoy food and he wants to make me happy. I've gained more weight with him than I ever did with the people who were interested in feederism.
> 
> All in all though, my weight is down to me. I was always able to say no. Blaming someone else is taking the responsibility away from ones self. I think a lot of the women who blame the 'evil' feeders do so because it takes the blame away from them and 'justifies' the weight gain.



I agree. It can be really tempting to want to blame someone else but in the end I feel this is a dangerous thing to do. Granted one should have realistic observations as to how they've been influenced by events and the motives of others but in the end the most powerful thing a person can do is seize control of the circumstance, assume responsibility and not leave it in the hands of others. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


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## lovelocs (Dec 25, 2010)

We talk about taking feeder/feedee relationship and turning it into something safe like BDSM, but it won't just happen. The transformation which took place in BDSM was no accident, or even an evolution. BDSM was changed through effort and education. I'm no expert, but I've done a *little* reading on the subject, and even from that, I can see that BDSM was transformed, both in reality and in perception, by the efforts of men and women who were "into the scene" and determined not to injure or be injured. People found safe ways to play, to enjoy what they were wired to enjoy, and to teach others. I guess my questions are (and forgive me for not knowing more), who's looking to work with feedees and feeders in order to make it happen? Is there a feeder/feedee community which is linked, and networked, and has persons dedicated to the safety of all involved? If not, who has the experience and respect from within the community to start it?

I found an interesting quote while burrowing on the net, and wanted to share it:

"Doctor Earl stood up to present. He was a tall well-built man, so comfortable, both
as an MD and SM top, there was no possible question who was running that scene. I
still remember his opener, "As a doctor I have to tell you the things we're going to
talk about are contra indicated. But since we're going to do em anyway -- let's see
how to do it safely."

There are feeders and feedees out there, of both genders, and they're going to do it anyway. If we actually care about the wellbeing of the participants, we should hope that they do it safely, from both a mental and physical standpoint.

Lastly... It's funny, perhaps because the pictures which I've posted don't present me as much of a BBW, I've never been approached by male feeders. I was approached, at first, by male feedees, asking me to fatten them. I had to turn them down, because it's just not a turn on for me to fatten someone. Not saying I wouldn't fatten a mofo up just living with me and eating what we wanted, when we wanted. I love making people and animals happy with food, but I'm just not a "female feeder." They've got to exist, though.


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD (Dec 25, 2010)

I would blame a small,very small percentage on my husband.I was getting bigger and knew him for many years during my gain so I would not blame him.He does encourage me from time to time to have seconds and dessert but I can't blame him for it,even though he believes he has quite an influence!


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 26, 2010)

One question I have is at what percentage does this become significant? And if it is significant, in what way? Do we look at this as an issue that needs to be addressed in the community? Or is this an individual problem? Should people be more or less wary of feeders? Should people stop talking about the influence of feeders if it's proven that it's not significantly high? Where exactly does the data leave us? (Or, in other words, whats the point of this thread?)

Anyone can feel free to respond but I'm particularly interested in the OPs views.


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## furious styles (Dec 27, 2010)

it seems that at least right now with this relatively small sample size it's just about 50/50. interesting, no? higher than probably OP or others would assume. then again i think that by taking a poll of people on this forum (partially dedicated to feeding subculture) in particular and not just fat people in the public, it may be skewing the results.

on topic : i know my girlfriend's weight has been affected by my presence, and mine by hers. but there was never any asking, maybe some encouragement but moreover just the presence of someone you know doesn't mind if you get bigger.


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## HeavyDuty24 (Dec 27, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.




haha love that saying!  i say it alot.lol


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## superodalisque (Dec 27, 2010)

lovelocs said:


> We talk about taking feeder/feedee relationship and turning it into something safe like BDSM, but it won't just happen. The transformation which took place in BDSM was no accident, or even an evolution. BDSM was changed through effort and education. I'm no expert, but I've done a *little* reading on the subject, and even from that, I can see that BDSM was transformed, both in reality and in perception, by the efforts of men and women who were "into the scene" and determined not to injure or be injured. People found safe ways to play, to enjoy what they were wired to enjoy, and to teach others. I guess my questions are (and forgive me for not knowing more), who's looking to work with feedees and feeders in order to make it happen? Is there a feeder/feedee community which is linked, and networked, and has persons dedicated to the safety of all involved? If not, who has the experience and respect from within the community to start it?
> 
> I found an interesting quote while burrowing on the net, and wanted to share it:
> 
> ...



this is a great idea. it sounds very responsible. it would encourage people to think about everything they're doing beforehand and discuss it with the other person openly and honestly. safety is the most important thing. and you're right, people are going to do it. nice to think there would be acknowledged boundaries. i worry most about people who won't spell out to their partners what exactly they are after or those who pretend they want a lot less than they do. its a conscious way for people to avoid getting heavier than they practically want and a way to avoid getting trapped into being with or caring for a partner thats gone much farther than they had ever intended. if they have an agreement to base everything off of then everyone knows where the other stands.


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## Blackjack (Dec 27, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> this is a great idea. it sounds very responsible. it would encourage people to think about everything they're doing beforehand and discuss it with the other person openly and honestly. safety is the most important thing. and you're right, people are going to do it. nice to think there would be acknowledged boundaries. i worry most about people who won't spell out to their partners what exactly they are after or those who pretend they want a lot less than they do. its a conscious way for people to avoid getting heavier than they practically want and a way to avoid getting trapped into being with or caring for a partner thats gone much farther than they had ever intended. if they have an agreement to base everything off of then everyone knows where the other stands.



Your major error is in thinking that lovelocs is an exception and not the norm.


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## superodalisque (Dec 27, 2010)

Blackjack said:


> Your major error is in thinking that lovelocs is an exception and not the norm.



your error in thinking is thinking that you know what i think about exceptions and norms. maybe you should ask first?


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## superodalisque (Dec 27, 2010)

HeavyDuty24 said:


> haha love that saying!  i say it alot.lol



lol, me too. the favorite sport around here is to try and botch it up more than George Bush did.

i agree with what Lily said. everyone has to be conscious and take responsibility for their body. we have a lot of reasons to be insecure and accept bad behavior toward us that can be destructive, especially if we decide to be in denial about whats actually happening to our own bodies and the actual goals of other people, some of whom who might be more interested in some kind of control tan they are in us. we have to access all of the emotional needs we haven't addressed. we have to educate ourselves about the things we don't know so we know where we're going. thats why its important to communicate with other people and listen to others whov'e actually had these kinds of relationships, real experiences and contacts for periods of time.


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## Keb (Dec 27, 2010)

I grew up fat and I believe it was mostly due to a combination of genetics, lifestyle (which is not to say my lifestyle has been totally unhealthy--just that I haven't had to hunt every morsel I've eaten over miles of terrain like my ancestors), and possibly undiagnosed health conditions.


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## Ash (Dec 27, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Yes, but only in the same way that:
> Creepy members of any Group X - may cause people who are not Xers - to assume that all Xers are, in fact, creepy.
> 
> Which is what we call "prejudice".



Best point.


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## joswitch (Dec 27, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> One question I have is at what percentage does this become significant? And if it is significant, in what way? Do we look at this as an issue that needs to be addressed in the community? Or is this an individual problem? Should people be more or less wary of feeders? Should people stop talking about the influence of feeders if it's proven that it's not significantly high? Where exactly does the data leave us? (Or, in other words, whats the point of this thread?)
> 
> Anyone can feel free to respond but I'm particularly interested in the OPs views.



Once the dataset is up around 100 (it's 60 atm) I'll totally respond to this...


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## joswitch (Dec 27, 2010)

furious styles said:


> it seems that at least right now with this relatively small sample size it's just about 50/50. interesting, no? higher than probably OP or others would assume. then again i think that by taking a poll of people on this forum (partially dedicated to feeding subculture) in particular and not just fat people in the public, it may be skewing the results.
> 
> on topic : i know my girlfriend's weight has been affected by my presence, and mine by hers. but there was never any asking, maybe some encouragement but moreover just the presence of someone you know doesn't mind if you get bigger.



Hmmm, I don't know where you got 50/50 from...
I kinda screwed up in basically posting two polls in one....
One poll is - "Do you blame..."
the other is - "How do you feel about it...."
My bad. Drunk polling.

The numbers will need crunching separately. As I say once dataset = 100+ I'll do that.


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## furious styles (Dec 27, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Hmmm, I don't know where you got 50/50 from...
> I kinda screwed up in basically posting two polls in one....
> One poll is - "Do you blame..."
> the other is - "How do you feel about it...."
> ...



yeah I assumed that the results of the 'do you blame' and 'how do you feel' poll needed to be added to each other, forgetting that you can vote for multiple answers. that said who knows if people voted for one, both, or all of them? it'll probably be impossible to get an accurate response.


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 27, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Once the dataset is up around 100 (it's 60 atm) I'll totally respond to this...



Shouldn't you decide at what percentage it becomes important before waiting to see what the percentage is?


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## paintsplotch (Dec 27, 2010)

joswitch said:


> It's interesting that you say that - a long time ago I worked out a (very sexy) compromise on the whole feeder kink with my then (chubby) gf, by which we were able to keep the feeding itself "token / ceremonial" and just "play" with it in the bedroom, just like BDSM folks do (imagination=key)... Without her actually gaining any... In relationships since I've found this worked out as a good way to enjoy the kink, without it becoming an overwhelming issue... I'm surprised more peeps haven't found a route to such a compromise... I keep thinking I should write a blurb about the ins and outs of the hotts of token / ceremonial feederism, guess maybe I should?



interesting..... cuz i know a feeder.... and sometimes i worry that if we got together, i would lose control of staying at my current weight. i prefer not to gain. so i always wondered if we could do things with healthy foods etc instead of goodies and treats.... is that just not as appealing? i wonder...

ive always been heavy... pcos like alot of others who posted.... that and genetics. im just chunkie.... and its only recent that i have learned to embrace my curves because im a good person. what i look like is not a definition of who i am.


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## NurseVicki (Dec 28, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Subtitle:
> "Behind every fat person.... a feeder?"
> 
> Alrighty...
> ...



Yes My Mom though she didn't identify as one she starved as a child growing during the War and she was always feeding us kids way more then we needed! Also my sister, the thin one always, fed me what she didn't like and I always greedily ate it all up! WE were not allowed to leave the table till we cleaned our plates so even though I ate all f mine I could not leave till she did so we solved that one by me eating what she didn't like hence she stayed thin and I grew fatter!


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## Vespertine (Dec 29, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Fat peeps - do you, *personally*, blame none / any /some / all of *your* weight on the influence of an FA/Feeder/Encourager?
> If so? To what extent?
> If not? Care to share what other influences you think were / are important in making you the size of person you are today?



None of my weight came from anyone else. 

There are several factors, notably genetics and a love of carbs. But I say with certainty lack of activity is the top reason I am as heavy as I am. There's a lot of reasons behind that ranging from old injury pains to emotional issues to just modern lifestyle.


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## superodalisque (Dec 29, 2010)

NurseVicki said:


> Yes My Mom though she didn't identify as one she starved as a child growing during the War and she was always feeding us kids way more then we needed! Also my sister, the thin one always, fed me what she didn't like and I always greedily ate it all up! WE were not allowed to leave the table till we cleaned our plates so even though I ate all f mine I could not leave till she did so we solved that one by me eating what she didn't like hence she stayed thin and I grew fatter!



definitely had feeders in this sense. most of my older relatives grew up during the depression. my mother had to have fuel to walk to a school that was over 5 miles away when she was a girl. you should have seen the breakfasts we were forced to eat. once my teacher sent home a note for my mom to stop feeding me so much before school because i was sleeping in class every morning. the first things people ask where i grew up are "did you eat yet?' and "are you hungry?" i'm a southerner--nuff said


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## Heyyou (Dec 29, 2010)

FAs and feeders are different things.


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 29, 2010)

Heyyou said:


> FAs and feeders are different things.



Yes, but it doesnt, change the point of the poll.

An FA could still badger someone into gaining weight to please their senses.

A feeder can shovel food into someone's mouth to please their senses.

Quite a difference but both can end up with a similar outcome. One wants to be the source of weight gain, one just wants to witness it.


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## sloboy302 (Dec 30, 2010)

No FA or Feeders, I believe mine happend when I discovered the cheeseburger as a child lol.


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 30, 2010)

CarlaSixx said:


> Yes, but it doesnt, change the point of the poll.
> 
> An FA could still badger someone into gaining weight to please their senses.
> 
> ...



If you're badgering someone into gaining weight I'm gonna say you're on the feeder spectrum somewhere. Also, shoveling food into someones mouth? Is that how it works? Who knew.


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 30, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> If you're badgering someone into gaining weight I'm gonna say you're on the feeder spectrum somewhere. Also, shoveling food into someones mouth? Is that how it works? Who knew.



I know that's not the only way it goes, but I was trying to show a difference. There IS a difference, and I think both terms have a rightful place in the options of the poll.


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## joswitch (Dec 30, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> If you're badgering someone into gaining weight I'm gonna say you're on the feeder spectrum somewhere.



Of course. At the end marked "fail", natch.




> Also, shoveling food into someones mouth? Is that how it works? Who knew.



Bwahahahahahah! Yeah, look out peeps, you'll just be sat all unsuspecting like and some eeeeeebil feedaz gonna run up on you with a shovel and six quarts of frosting! Oh noes!

Seriously, it's like the rest of the world thinks feedees / feeders are cartoon people or something...


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 31, 2010)

I think the biggest misconception re: feeding is that it involves literal hand to mouth feeding (or shoveling, soihear.) It certainly can but like, it's not all about sittin on a couch with someone holding a donut to your mouth.


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## LovelyLiz (Dec 31, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> I think the biggest misconception re: feeding is that it involves literal hand to mouth feeding (or shoveling, soihear.) It certainly can but like, it's not all about sittin on a couch with someone holding a donut to your mouth.



I'm not even into feederism, but I wouldn't mind someone holding a donut to my mouth at pretty much any point in time.


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## CastingPearls (Dec 31, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I'm not even into feederism, but I wouldn't mind someone holding a donut to my mouth at pretty much any point in time.


Creme brulee .


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## thatgirl08 (Dec 31, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I'm not even into feederism, but I wouldn't mind someone holding a donut to my mouth at pretty much any point in time.



Yeah I can't argue with that.


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## TimeTraveller (Dec 31, 2010)

I'm no feeder and my wife is only a foodee, so I simply maintain a fat-friendly environment. No need to twist her arm to take her out to dinner. When we go on vacations, I do my homework ahead of time so she won't go hungry. :eat2:

Dining Treasures on the Road 
http://dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=80229


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## liz (di-va) (Jan 2, 2011)

I understand the point of this poll, but I gotta note that it still feels funny to presume so much influence from FAs/feeders--even in the effort of making the opposite point--in the experience of being fat. We grow up in a world full of family, friends, teachers, media, health professionals and even strangers all screaming about us about fat and paying too much attention to what we look like and put in our mouths... I know that relationships can absolutely be a part of that eventually, but it still seems like misplaced emphasis, when so much of the groundwork is often laid in youth.


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## disconnectedsmile (Jan 3, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> I'm not even into feederism, but I wouldn't mind someone holding a donut to my mouth at pretty much any point in time.



so hey, when's the next L.A. meet-up?


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## jewels_mystery (Jan 3, 2011)

I do not blame anyone else for my weight. I do not exercise, over induldge and spend too many hours online.


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## shellbelle (Jan 5, 2011)

I know I rarely post on these boards (long time lurker, a few of you know me), but this thread compelled me to say something. Why are we framing fat in terms of "blame" when this site is supposed to foster positivity and acceptance? 

It's mostly the word "blame" that doesn't sit right for me. I'm sure OP has the best intentions for his research, but I just wanted to bring that up that perhaps framing the conversation this way, as if fat is something wrong that requires blame, maybe isn't the best idea. I'm sure some might find it cathartic to talk about these subjects, so I'll give it that. 

Maybe I'm focusing too much on semantics, but I don't think I speak for myself when I say that I think semantics are important and can really transform how a conversation takes place.

Edit: I answered "No" on the poll. I don't think my fat requires blame. I honestly think the societal pressure to be thin is often greater than any pressure to get fatter that one guy/person could ever put on me, yet I'm still fat.


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## joswitch (Jan 5, 2011)

shellbelle said:


> I know I rarely post on these boards (long time lurker, a few of you know me), but this thread compelled me to say something. Why are we framing fat in terms of "blame" when this site is supposed to foster positivity and acceptance?
> 
> It's mostly the word "blame" that doesn't sit right for me. I'm sure OP has the best intentions for his research, but I just wanted to bring that up that perhaps framing the conversation this way, as if fat is something wrong that requires blame, maybe isn't the best idea. I'm sure some might find it cathartic to talk about these subjects, so I'll give it that.
> 
> ...



Indeed.

The semantics address the efforts by certain posters - in other threads here - who were persistently trying to blame feeder(s) in general (or specifically) for various fat people being what those certain posters consider to be unacceptably / dangerously fat. 

Thanks for responding to the poll.


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## The Orange Mage (Jan 6, 2011)

The fact that we have to use the word blame (instead of, oh, "It's because of ______" or who knows what) is kinda saddening if you think about the subconsciousness of it.

I mean, if you were/are a damn fine knockout-lookin' guy or gal, and someone asked how you got so good lookin', would you assign _blame?_

It's sending a subtle message that fat is bad, _period_, which is worse than the usual message in here that some ambiguously high level of fat is too fat.


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## joswitch (Jan 6, 2011)

The Orange Mage said:


> The fact that we have to use the word blame (instead of, oh, "It's because of ______" or who knows what) is kinda saddening if you think about the subconsciousness of it.
> 
> I mean, if you were/are a damn fine knockout-lookin' guy or gal, and someone asked how you got so good lookin', would you assign _blame?_
> 
> It's sending a subtle message that fat is bad, _period_, which is worse than the usual message in here that some ambiguously high level of fat is too fat.



Yes. Exactly. Digging that up is ONE of the points of this thread.


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## LillyBBBW (Jan 6, 2011)

The Orange Mage said:


> The fact that we have to use the word blame (instead of, oh, "It's because of ______" or who knows what) is kinda saddening if you think about the subconsciousness of it.
> 
> I mean, if you were/are a damn fine knockout-lookin' guy or gal, and someone asked how you got so good lookin', would you assign _blame?_
> 
> It's sending a subtle message that fat is bad, _period_, which is worse than the usual message in here that some ambiguously high level of fat is too fat.



I think fat makes some people uncomfortable in the physical sense. I look great in high heels but if I were stuck in them all day long I would look to blame someone for it. Either my job, my lack of height or some other such thing. It may LOOK good but the wearer might not share that enthusiasm. There is something to be said for going to a site that celebrates high heel fashion only to complain about the discomfort and hiss at the people who admire the aesthetic. That may be seen as inappropriate by some but the bottom line is that fat/high heels are not going to be loved by everybody. I'm afraid we might not ever completely remove the term 'blame' from the language that many people use to describe shoes... err, fat.


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## Myn (Jan 7, 2011)

I think a distinction would need to be made in terms of a "feeder" who gets some kind of gratification from feeding/weight gain, and someone who feeds you out of confused/messed up ideas about love and/or control. 

My ex-husband sincerely tried to show affection by getting me presents, but we had no money - food was a cheap treat to give, chocolates or whatever. He also showed solidarity with my "Free at last! I can have whatever I want!" rebellion from leaving my "You can't eat that, you're too fat" mother's house. 

As time went on and things got rockier, he picked up the idea that hunger made me cranky - I'm hypoglycemic, so sometimes it's true. He started shoving food at me whenever I was unhappy, and because I had my own messed up mindset and thought that actually letting me eat was a sign of esteem, I let him do it. 

I ballooned from the 200s to the 500s over the course of the marriage, but weight gain was never a goal for either of us, and he got no sexual gratification from my gaining weight or being fat (or the actual act of me eating), which I understood to be the basic definition of a feeder in the sense it's usually used here.

So, while I do in part blame my ex (and our circumstance, and myself most of all), he wasn't an FA, and I don't think he was a feeder. That distinction is what confused me about the original post/thread, with the woman in the tabloid. Is that distinction not widely made? Do I have the definition wrong?


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## Fat Brian (Jan 7, 2011)

To me, to qualify as a feeder one has to cognizant of what they are doing and feel the sexuality involved. Feeding with a purpose I guess. Your ex didn't derive any sexual gratification out of any aspect of your size or the act of eating so I would say he wasn't a feeder. He more than likely thought he was helping with your health issues the best he could under your financial circumstances.


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## Jes (Jan 7, 2011)

looking at the results, i see that the No and Yes responses are split very close to 50/50.


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## joswitch (Jan 8, 2011)

So, the rate of voting has really slowed down now, but we have a total sample size of 91, which isn't too bad.

There's two questions in the poll: 
"Do you blame" and "How do you feel about that", so they must be analysed separately /differently.


*"Do you blame?"*
*
Total votes = 77*
I'm going to draw the dividing line between "No" + "no noticeable" and all the other categories. That's a 55 / 22 split.
Which gives us a (surprisingly high, to me at least) *28% !! who do in fact blame a feeder for Moderate / Significant or Extreme amount of their own weightgain.* (Wow.) 

That said, it leaves a huge* majority of people - 72% who do NOT blame * (anything other than a small/no noticeable amount of) their weight on a feeder. So, *fat peeps are more than twice as likely NOT to blame their weight on a feeder.*

Not one person blames all their weight on a feeder.

Raw results for this question below:

No, NONE. 51 
Yes, some, but only a very SMALL amount that made no noticeable difference to my life. 4 
_____________________________________________________________
Yes, some - a MODERATE amount that made a slight difference to my life. 

9 
Yes, some - a SIGNIFICANT amount that made a considerable difference to my life. 8 
Yes - an EXTREME amount that made a very great difference to my life. 
5 
Yes - I blame ALL the fat I gained on the influence of an FA / feeder. 
0 



*"How do you feel?"*

Out of the *51 responders who blamed zero gain on a feeder - 6 (12% of that group) wished they could find a feeder to feed them.*

No, but I wish I could find an FA / feeder to feed me. 6 

Of those 26 who blamed ANY weightgain on a feeder only 15 (a little over half) told us how they felt about it. Of whom 6 (40% of those 15) were sad / mad about it, while 9 were either happy or "meh" about it. 

Interestingly, the same number of people were happy about it, as sad/mad about it.

Yes, and I'm very happy about it. 6 
Yes, but I'm indifferent / don't mind. 3 
__________________________________________________	
Yes, and I'm sad / mad about it. 6 

If we were to extrapolate (slightly dodgy) from this small "how you feel" sample, and apply that 40% to our 26 responders who blamed ANY weight on a feeder we get 11 (rounding up) people who are sad/mad about 
their feeder-blamed gain. Which is 14% of our total fat peeps who responded.



So:- 
*
72% of fat peeps do NOT blame feeders for any noticeable weight gain.

28% of fat peeps DO blame feeders for Moderate / Significant or Extreme gain.*



4 out of 10 fat peeps who blame feeders for ANY gain at all are sad/mad about it. The 4 out of 10 are happy. 2 out of 10 are indifferent.

*14% of fat peeps responding fit the stereotyped profile of "I'm sad / mad cos a feeder made me gain (any weight at all)!"*



*
Conclusion:*

The "feeder blame & regret" profile runs at 14% - which is much higher than I'd've expected. And the "feeder blame" unadjusted for emotions runs at 28%. Clearly the feeder/feedee experience at DIMs really is more prevalent than out in general population. However, that said:

If we extrapolate from this survey:
7 out of 10 fat people do NOT blame feeders for any noticeable weightgain. *So, when we come across an article where we read about a fat person who is addressing any given issue due to their weight, it's more than TWICE as likely that it is NOT to do with a feeder* (unless there is explicit data to the contrary). So, if such an article prompts random cries of "FEEDERS BAD!" it's fair to say that tells us more about the crier's view of the world than what is ACTUALLY going on in the world.



Thanks for responding! 

The raw data are there for everyone to see, and I will leave the poll open, feel free to conduct your own analysis - don't forget, you CANNOT use the auto generated % in the poll because there are actually TWO questions, (or arguably three). Yes, I was a little drunk when I designed the poll.


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## Bananaspills (Jan 8, 2011)

Well, I wouldn't use the word "blame", but yes, being with my husband has contributed to my weight gain. The reason is that (for me) being in a happy, loving relationship has made me feel that I could relax, and made it easy for me to lose my (very limited, tenuous) motivation to diet. Since I very much enjoy food (and can be greedy,) and since I generally have a tendency to gain, I ended up being significantly bigger when I didn't feel that I had to stay a certain size to have a chance of ever finding a partner. (This was before I discovered the fat acceptance movement and the existance of FAs )

But do I regret it, NO. I'm a lot happier now than I was when I was on my own and thinner.


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## AmazingAmy (Jan 8, 2011)

I've been fat since I was 5 years old and didn't meet any form of encourager until I was 21 years old, so I certainly can't blame my weight on anyone but me. I've spent my life surrounded by people trying to stop me from eating, but to no avail. Although I don't believe I could possibly make a lifestyle 'choice' at such a young age, it's no one's fault but my own.


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