# How to trust again?



## Sushi (Nov 15, 2014)

I'm not even sure if this is the forum for this, but I really need some input. In the last 5 months I've lost two really important people to me who I trusted and they not only betrayed me, but were extremely cruel at the end of the relationship. I don't trust easily. It was a huge leap for me to allow both of them into my heart. 

One was a long-distance love relationship that lasted for 4 years. It was on/off because he kept promising to come to where I live to be with me but at the last minute he would always come up with an excuse for not actually getting here. The final break came when I found out that he was having a simultaneous relationship with an acquaintance from where I live (we all went to junior high school together many years ago and reconnected through Facebook). When she found out about me she confronted me and he DENIED to her that we were involved at all and called me a stalker. This man who promised me the world is now calling me a stalker. It boggles my mind that he could do this to me. 

Then last month a woman who I considered to be my best friend was caught gossiping about me to other friends of hers. When I confronted her she blasted me and had her other friend call me and tell me off. That was the woman who slipped and let me know that my business had been shared. I cut ties with her when she didn't apologize but instead attacked me and had the person who she shared my business with call and scream at me. I don't know how I ever considered her a friend.

I'm walking around feeling as though there is no hope for ever having anyone be a true friend at this point. I hate feeling this way. I don't know how to recover my faith in people.


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## phelan4022 (Nov 16, 2014)

Honestly, it takes time. And you are worth that time. Anyone who wants to be a part of your life will be patient with you, because they will see you for your worth. Real people, the ones worth having as friends, will know that a true friendship is built slowly, over time, not in a split second. Being patient is hard but I know you can do it. I've been where you are now, I've had everyone and everything I love fall apart and thought there was nowhere left to go. But, that's just not true. The people you need will come into your life when you need them. I promise.


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## fritzi (Nov 16, 2014)

Now this not going to be a comfortable reply.

Phelan is right, it takes time to start trusting people again.

But there are also some things you should do to protect yourself.

Be realistic about your expectations - this refers to your long distance not committing relationship. That's not usual at all - it's more the rule than the exception. If getting together doesn't happen within a certain time-span/amount of attempts, you should no longer count on let alone trust the person in question for simple reasons of self-preservation.

With the other case of your woman friend - just ask yourself some questions:
How where the dynamics of your friendship? Did she place as much trust/confide in you as you did in her? Why did you share the information with her, what were your motives? Which role did the 3rd party play during the friendship? 

The answers to these questions will help you identify ways to assess when someone is worth your trust.


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## Pixelpops (Nov 16, 2014)

I know you don't want to hear it because it's cliche and boring but you're going to hurt for a while sweetie but it will get less and less over time and eventually you'll only feel remnants of it when you allow yourself to remember that hurt. You've been through the ringer from the sounds of it and no one deserves to be betrayed the way your were, let alone twice in such a short amount of time, but you're obviously incredibly strong to be able to cut these people out, rather than trying to grasp onto threads of relationships. Talking is the start of healing, and just by opening yourself up and sharing, even in an indirect way with people you barely know, you've made mighty steps to trusting again. For now, just make sure you do you and indulge in some self care, wether it's a hot bath, colouring book (trust me, it's great therapy even as a grown up!) or dancing in your underwear, you'll feel better for it.


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## Sushi (Nov 16, 2014)

phelan4022 said:


> Honestly, it takes time. And you are worth that time. Anyone who wants to be a part of your life will be patient with you, because they will see you for your worth. Real people, the ones worth having as friends, will know that a true friendship is built slowly, over time, not in a split second. Being patient is hard but I know you can do it. I've been where you are now, *I've had everyone and everything I love fall apart and thought there was nowhere left to go. But, that's just not true. The people you need will come into your life when you need them. I promise.*



Thank you. Especially the bolded section. I've been feeling so hopeless lately. It was good to hear from someone who has been through this and has come through it.


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## Sushi (Nov 16, 2014)

fritzi said:


> Now this not going to be a comfortable reply.
> 
> Phelan is right, it takes time to start trusting people again.
> 
> ...



Thank you for responding. I will definitely have a certain limit on how long I'll wait for someone and how many chances they'll have to disappoint me. Probably only one second chance. I realize that I was making and accepting excuses that I shouldn't have. It was a very hard lesson learned for me. 

The female friend was someone who confided in me as much as I did her. I truly felt that we were kindred spirits, but obviously I was wrong. The 3rd party was her friend and my acquaintance. She would come to me and complain about that person not being understanding of her life and feelings and tell me how much it meant to her that she always felt supported. The thing is, looking back, I realize she shared way too much of other people's business with me. I remember at times thinking that I really didn't want to know this information but she would just tell it. I'd find myself changing the subject alot, trying to get back to talking about her or myself. It always made me feel uncomfortable. I shouldn't have ignored those feelings. I won't do it again.

Thank you for your outsider's view. I really do appreciate your input.


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## Sushi (Nov 16, 2014)

Pixelpops said:


> I know you don't want to hear it because it's cliche and boring but you're going to hurt for a while sweetie but it will get less and less over time and eventually you'll only feel remnants of it when you allow yourself to remember that hurt. You've been through the ringer from the sounds of it and no one deserves to be betrayed the way your were, let alone twice in such a short amount of time, but you're obviously incredibly strong to be able to cut these people out, rather than trying to grasp onto threads of relationships. Talking is the start of healing, and just by opening yourself up and sharing, even in an indirect way with people you barely know, you've made mighty steps to trusting again. For now, just make sure you do you and indulge in some self care, wether it's a hot bath, colouring book (trust me, it's great therapy even as a grown up!) or dancing in your underwear, you'll feel better for it.



Thank you. It was incredibly difficult for me to post this and I DO feel better by putting it down in words. I've been feeling so angry/hurt/sad all at the same time. I'm generally a happy person and being angry is a very unusual feeling for me (other than a momentary thing). I'm sometimes afraid I'm going to always feel this way and I don't like the person I feel like I'm becoming. I want to be my old happy, loving self. She seems to have disappeared. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I love the suggestions you made. Just yesterday I was browsing in the Harriet Carter catalog that came in the mail and noticed they had a few coloring books for adults and I'm going to order them. I do remember that being something that I used to love to do. These are flowers and pretty designs so its right up my alley.


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## Ohio Lady (Nov 16, 2014)

Regaining trust doesn't come over night, in fact for some it takes longer than for others. The thing I had to remember is nothing is a firm guarantee in life no matter what relationship we are in. Where love is concerned there is always a risk of a broken heart. NO none of us are ever prepared but we must take our time once it happens to us to allow ourselves time to heal before going forward or else we are asking for more trouble. All I would say is take all the time you need.. you and only you will know when you can put a foot forward and trust again...... Sorry wasn't much more help.


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## Sunshine_Fette (Dec 11, 2014)

I'm really sorry this happened to you, it sucks. Trust takes time and if anything, you have gained a new life experience.


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