# When Death Comes



## BeautifulPoeticDisaster (Apr 9, 2009)

The title of this thread may be a little off. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to say, but I really need to talk about this. The recent events have put my head in a spin that won't quit.

How is it that I am still here, breathing a living when so many others have passed on. People who were probably nicer than me, had more friends than me, as far as I am aware, healthy as me.

It is realllllly tripping me out.

I sorta feel like I'm caught in a death trap. Stay this size and die or have WLS and die. Diet do not work so it is one of the above options. What do I do? I'm only 30. Too young to die.

How does this happen? How do good people die? Why couldn't the hospital help her or those before her????? 

I'm sorry if this comes across wrong. I haven't had to deal with death much in my life....so with each death it gets closer and closer. Lexi, Cinda and now Cindy. (I hope all of them are resting in peace in fat girl heaven) 

My heart is bleeding out of sorrow and out of fear.


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## steely (Apr 9, 2009)

This is just my take on it.I'm 40 years old and I've weighed well over 300 pounds for the past 15 years.I'm not very healthy,high blood pressure,diabetes,pad.What I'm getting at here is it's not time for me to die.When it's time I will go,like so many others.I don't know if it's because I still have purpose or I haven't learned what I'm supposed to have learned,maybe there is someone else here on earth that I am supposed to teach or learn from.

As far as weight loss surgery,I don't know.I haven't had it.I do know that being diagnosed with diabetes has helped my health more than anything else.I hate it,every moment of it but it's forcing me to take care of myself.I've lost 30 pounds and I now exercise and eat healthier.Maybe that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn.Don't take anything for granted.

My heart goes out to you.We start dying from the day we are born and it's the hardest part of living.Don't take it for granted.As I said before,these are just my private thoughts about living and dying.I hope that you can find some peace with this issue.:bow:


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## mergirl (Apr 9, 2009)

They say that when you accept death then you can begin to accept life. I think in some ways this is true, like you can live each day filled as much as you can with the things you want or are ment to do and the people who are important to you. I think even being a good person and being nice to people can be enough fullfillment for some and for others its might be to be the best at one thing or another. On the other hand, it can be difficult to accept death, as its something we could have no personal experience of until it happens. Fear of the unknown i suppose. Like steely said, when its your time its your time, which is can be feel utterly terrifying. My wee brothers close friend who was also a friend of mine was killed a couple of weeks ago when he crashed his motorbike, he was only 26. Its just so hard to accept it when someone dies so young and so needlessly and when this happens its natural to question our own mortality. 
I know many people try to see things from a spiritual perspective when thinking about or dealing with death either through religion or just faith in the universe.
Have you read the book 'Tuesdays with morrie'? I read this recently and it was pretty inspiring. A book about death but ultimatly about living. Its not really a 'spiritual' book, in the way people usually talk about spitituality, but to me it was spiritual because it was the about the ways in which people touch each others lives so profoundly. There are a few other books that have made me feel a bit less fearful i guess, or maby not less fearful but more meaningful..if that makes sense.
People seem to shut out talk of death until they have to really deal with it because its such a scary topic to discuss...So no wonder it is so frightening. 
I hope that talking to others that have been in simmilar situations as yourself will alleviate your fears even a bit.
I'm sorry..i dont know what else to say..xx


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## Emma (Apr 9, 2009)

I've been thinking about this too. We've lost so many people from here recently and it's got my head in a spin. I always felt like 'oh it won't happen to me' but recently it could easily be me.


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## SamanthaNY (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm glad you wrote this. I learned a lot when I lost both of my parents within 6 months. Here's what I think: 

What you're describing, Donni, is part of the shock and insult of first learning of the death of someone meaningful (that can mean it's someone you know personally, or just someone you identify with or appreciate). Sadly, it is healthy to feel that pain, which is to say that a lot of people go through the same feelings as you are experiencing. The deaths of someone significant to you is an insult to the status quo of normal life. Puzzle pieces that make up an invisible foundation are shaken. Pieces (people) you perhaps didn't even think much about... are suddenly shaken loose, and their absence demands immediate attention. 

Your questions are part of the mind's way of processing the news and beginning to assess and rebuild that foundation again. And the more meaningful that person was to you, the more intense this experience is. 

I think it's perhaps important to try and lessen fat and size from y/our pain, and from the loss of Cindy. While it is a part of our lives, and health concerns are important, if we attach them too closely to the grieving process, I think it gives undue focus and promotes that much more stress. Connecting personal worry with the pain of death and grieving can get stuck, make grieving last longer, and do lasting damage. People of every size and every age have health concerns and life circumstances they must deal with. Groups of every age and every condition lose members. That's not to trivialize this loss - just to say that while we may be unique as a group of fat people, we're not so different from any other collection of people. 

The normal will come again, it just may be a different normal. Talking about it is helpful.


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## Tracy (Apr 9, 2009)

steely said:


> What I'm getting at here is it's not time for me to die.When it's time I will go,like so many others.I don't know if it's because I still have purpose or I haven't learned what I'm supposed to have learned,maybe there is someone else here on earth that I am supposed to teach or learn from.
> 
> My heart goes out to you.We start dying from the day we are born and it's the hardest part of living.Don't take it for granted.As I said before,these are just my private thoughts about living and dying.I hope that you can find some peace with this issue.:bow:



Steely, these words are so TRUE and so well spoken! 

BigBellySSBBW, it saddens me to know that you are having to deal with this burden and fear. I hope you don't mind but I am going to remember you in my prayers that God lifts this burden off your heart and shows you all the answers that you are needing to your questions. Tracy


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## imfree (Apr 9, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> The title of this thread may be a little off. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to say, but I really need to talk about this. The recent events have put my head in a spin that won't quit.
> 
> ............snipped....................
> 
> My heart is bleeding out of sorrow and out of fear.



The bible says "Perfect love casts out fear". Good advice, even from
a non-religious point of view. Never hold back on love and there'll be
no regrets. I'll never understand, myself, why some good people die
before their time, but, in some way, it makes the good they've done
impossible to forget. I love being fat, but at age 53, I'm well aware
of the fact that it will kill me. Then, I think of Dale Earnhardt, who died
in that awful wreck in the Daytona 500, back in '01. He was healthy
and in great shape, yet what he loved doing, killed him.

There are no easy answers. WLS has a degree of risk, but it seems
to work for people who, from deep within, really want to lose the
weight. I would not choose WLS for myself because I know my own
mind and the depression that would inevitably follow. I manage my
risks by aggressively controlling my blood-sugar, taking medications
properly, communicating honestly with health care providers, and
avoiding foods that I know are bad for me. I avoid salt, sugar, 
animal fat, and Chinese food.

I wish you many blessings of health and peace of mind.


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## Tracyarts (Apr 9, 2009)

I totally understand where you're coming from.

Whenever I hear of a supersized woman dying or suffering from a very serious health problem it makes me sad, but also scares the hell out of me. Because I can identify with them on a very basic level. And there is that doctor who told me back when I was in my 20's that if I did not get the weight off, I would not live to see 40, and if I did, I would be totally disabled by then. Well, I'm gonna be 39 in a few months. Tick-tock...

I am sure many of us have heard the same dire warnings at some point in our lives, and think (even if only briefly) that "maybe they were right?". 

As far as the "why did she/he die" question, I asked that one many years ago and also made peace with it many years ago. I lost four friends unexpectedly by the time I turned 21. These were people who were young and healthy and enjoying life. It raised a lot of questions in my mind. 

And the answers I was able to come up with are that it is important to live without regrets, important to find beauty and joy every day, important to do what I can to keep myself healthy and safe, and most of all important to not take anybody in my life for granted or squander a minute of the time I have to share with them on petty disagreements or ego trips. 

And that's pretty much all anybody can do. 
Tracy


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## EtobicokeFA (Apr 9, 2009)

I am glad there other out there thinking that same thing. There is not worse than losing someone close to you, specially if they went before their time. 

And, when you are not thinking about you lose, it really makes you think about you own mortality, and sometime fear it, and therefore take stock of you life.

But, in the end, they are right the important part is to be live with love, joy and without regrets. 

Hang in there.


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## Tooz (Apr 9, 2009)

As weird as it sounds, I tell myself that when I die...I'll be dead, so I won't care. I think living in fear of your own mortality can hold you back from enjoying what you've got. It's hard, and scary, but unfortunately, it's gonna happen to all of us.

I know that probably doesn't help-- I do struggle sometimes, too. When someone you know dies, it ALWAYS sends you through the ringer, but I think it's healthy. Other people here have given some GREAT advice and insight.


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## CCC (Apr 9, 2009)

Tooz said:


> As weird as it sounds, I tell myself that when I die...I'll be dead, so I won't care. I think living in fear of your own mortality can hold you back from enjoying what you've got. It's hard, and scary, but unfortunately, it's gonna happen to all of us.



Although I'm sure I can't identify with people facing potentially life-threatening weight-related conditions, I've always taken Tooz's attitude. I think _not_ being a spiritual person can actually help in that sense (if when your "soul" dies it dissipates into nothingness, then there is nothing to fear in death, for there is nothing after it; only the pain and joy that can come before). So just make sure to live the life you have exactly as you want to, with as many positive experiences as possible.


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## Wayne_Zitkus (Apr 9, 2009)

Because no one knows when death will come, I feel it's important to let the people who are close to you know how much they mean to you. For example, Sandie and I tell each other "I love you" several times a day. Any time I'm talking to my kids on the phone, the conversation always ends with a round of I Love Yous - usually started by my kids.

Bottom line? Let the people in your life who are special to you know how special they are every chance you get. You never know when you'll never get another chance.


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## Tooz (Apr 9, 2009)

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> Because no one knows when death will come, I feel it's important to let the people who are close to you know how much they mean to you. For example, Sandie and I tell each other "I love you" several times a day. Any time I'm talking to my kids on the phone, the conversation always ends with a round of I Love Yous - usually started by my kids.
> 
> Bottom line? Let the people in your life who are special to you know how special they are every chance you get. You never know when you'll never get another chance.



Strongly agreed.


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## adam (Apr 9, 2009)

It isn't complicated theoretically. All one needs is will power to live. Living isn't easy cause you always have to make the hard choices and the right one isn't the one that is easy usually. It takes very little effort to die, as you or anyone who is an adult should know, dying is easy, as the choices you make that take you there are mostly all an easy yes. There are exceptions. Certainly anyone can die at any time regardless of health. Athletes, swimmers, runners, body builders ect., have heart attacks every day, just like fat people do. I say do what makes you happy, so long as it doesn't harm anyone else, and as long as you have no regrets.


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## bmann0413 (Apr 9, 2009)

I won't lie. I fear death. I really don't like it. I don't wish it upon anyone. But I don't really let that stop me from living my life. I just use it as incentive to live life to the fullest each day, since I don't know if I'm gonna die today, tomorrow, or next week.


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## Still a Skye fan (Apr 9, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> The title of this thread may be a little off. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to say, but I really need to talk about this. The recent events have put my head in a spin that won't quit.
> 
> How is it that I am still here, breathing a living when so many others have passed on. People who were probably nicer than me, had more friends than me, as far as I am aware, healthy as me.
> 
> ...




You're entitled to your feelings and expressing them however you wish. We all react to death differently...be it a loved one or just the name of someone on a message board you never met. It's still a loss and you're entitled to be as sad as you want.

But we're still here having a life. I'm 43...I could drive home tonight and get creamed by a drunk driver or I could die peacefully in my sleep as an old guy 45-50 years from now. I don't know when my time is going to come and that's part of what makes life interesting. It's always nice to remember and honor those who've left us but there's still living to do.


Dennis


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## superodalisque (Apr 9, 2009)

it really hurts to lose people close to you or even people far away that you have an affinity with. i lost both of my parents. it was rough but it also made me think. death is a valuable thing. its kind of buddhist. it teaches us how to live and puts things into stark perspective. it teaches us that there is something out there more important than fear, embarrassment, or whether other people approve of you or not when it comes to your life. thats really important when it comes to BBW and especially SSBBWs since there is a big unspoken fear regarding being so heavy and what that might mean to your health. there is the fear of the opinions of medical professionals as well as the actual health challenges a person can encounter. but death educates you so that you won't falter when its time to live. it helps you to put everything in its proper place. you can go to see the doctor even if it might be difficult. you can say yes to positive relationships. you refuse to waste your time on negativity. you can use it to adopt an can do attitude. but its your decision to take it that way.

life is too short for everyone. and as the old saying goes its a gift. the people who go through it leave us a gift. they show us that people really matter and we matter. so instead of teaching us to worry it might be good to think of it as teaching us to pay homage and go on living and taking care of ourselves to reduce those mortal fears. death can teach us to be more serious about loving ourselves in all kinds of ways. its probably important though to remember that we can't allow death to make us panic and to seek shelter in self destructive ways otherwise we might not be learning what it has to teach us. each death can be meaningful and constructive if we can let it be that for us, but we have to decide to make it that. so in her name, and the name of many others, take care of yourself and LIVE your life.

TY for the beautifully honest and heartfelt thread BBS. i'm proud of you for saying how you really felt today and not pretending that you did not have these thoughts. its so healthy not to squash your feelings and pretend your not having them. keep talking.


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## TallFatSue (Apr 9, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> I sorta feel like I'm caught in a death trap. Stay this size and die or have WLS and die. Diet do not work so it is one of the above options. What do I do? I'm only 30. Too young to die.





Tracyarts said:


> Whenever I hear of a supersized woman dying or suffering from a very serious health problem it makes me sad, but also scares the hell out of me. Because I can identify with them on a very basic level. And there is that doctor who told me back when I was in my 20's that if I did not get the weight off, I would not live to see 40, and if I did, I would be totally disabled by then. Well, I'm gonna be 39 in a few months. Tick-tock...


Agreed. It's sad to see anyone die young or at least relatively young. Whenever I hear about a SSBBW who isn't all that much fatter than I am, it sure gives me a queasy feeling. Ever since I turned f-f-fifty, my mortality has been on my mind. When I was a girl my mother said I'd never live to see 30, and then 40, but now I'm 51 and I'm still here.

It sure doesn't help that my level of fat is called "mordbid" obesity. Why not call it something more pleasant like "advanced" obesity or "extra super duper" obesity, like the overachiever that I am? Last year when my weight flirted with 500lb I sure felt the effects: sore joints, aching feet, shortness of breath and sometimes after only moderate exertion my heart just went thumpa-thumpa-thumpa. Now that I'm back down to my more normal weight of 450lb I feel much better, but it kinda bothers me that I'm so close to what seems to be my limit. What if I that stuff begins to creep up on me at my present weight as I age? None too pleasant to think about.

On the other hand, my parents are both hale and hearty at 76 going on 77, and even if my level of obesity does take a few years off my life I can probably look forward to at least a couple more decades on this planet, all else being equal. I'm sure I'll slow down as the years progress, and if it does become necessary to lose weight in order to maintain my health, well, I did that last year when I reduced to my fighting weight of 450lb.

So far so good. I've always been aware of the supposed health risks of obesity (thanks for sensationalizing it and drumming it into my head, Mom). Therefore I try to eat right, remain active and have regular checkups. My doctor admits that I am healthier than many of her other patients who assume they're healty simply because they're thin and therefore abuse their bodies. One great fringe benefit of accommodating rather than fighting my fat is that I have a pretty doggone good outlook and enjoyment of life, and a positive attitude can be excellent medicine. Nonetheless, whenever I hear about the death of anyone 400lb or more, I think there but for the grace of God go I.


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## Gendo Ikari (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't think we should kid ourselves, being extremely big is a health risk. Keyword is risk. You might not feel bad now, but you are still playing with fire. God, I hate to sound like I'm on the opposite team, I mean, I like SSBBWs, they attract me to no end. I guess Cindy's death makes me question my own ethics as an FA. Is it OK for me to get off on other people's suffering? I don't know.


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## moore2me (Apr 10, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> The title of this thread may be a little off. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to say, but I really need to talk about this. The recent events have put my head in a spin that won't quit.
> 
> How is it that I am still here, breathing a living when so many others have passed on. People who were probably nicer than me, had more friends than me, as far as I am aware, healthy as me.
> 
> ...





Dear BigBellySSBBW, 

We all grieve for the loss of friends we meet here on the internet including Cindy. It is tragic when a young woman dies before her time. But, I agree with OPs that we need to separate our sorrow from our concerns about weight loss or health concerns from fatness. For purposes of burying our friend, they should be two separate issues.

You are young and have a right to be afraid of death. As you get a little older, some of your concerns will be answered by time & nature. My mom is in her 80s and I have noticed that when you have gotten so old that most of your friends and loved ones have already died, the other side is not as scary. Also, mom has an older sister who is still alive. Her body is starting to breakdown on her, just as my moms is. These two sisters have just about worn their human body out. They have had surgeries and medical care, one is fat, one is not . . . at the end it doesnt matter.

I recently heard someone describe death as stepping out of one room into another. Someone else suggested that most of the people that have died and moved on would not want to return to this earth even if they could. But, I guess your outlook on that depends a lot on your beliefs about life after death. For thousands of years of civilization tho, humans have found solace in believing in a higher power and that there is a place your spirit goes upon your death. Personally, I believe this is true and it gives me comfort when dealing with the death of a friend or loved one.


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## Ruffie (Apr 10, 2009)

I hear ya folks. I just got back from a wake of one of the kids I worked with and taught over the past 6 years. It was a suicide and she left behind a young child. As I sat at the wake after comforting the other kids we had taken to honor her, I thought of my own passing and that it could be anytime. I have high blood pressure controlled well by med, but I learned one thing is that life is not a given we are all here on borrowed time. I guess I am weird in that I don't really fear death that much because I believe we just go on in spirit form. I just know that while I am realistic about the implications my being fat has on my health and longevity, I am gonna live life as well as I can while I still am here. My adopted daughter who also works with me went with me and as we made the journey home on the hiway she said you know I just feel the need to tell you how much I love you. And I said back to her, when I go never doubt how much I loved you nor feel like you should have told me one more time how you feel cause I know and its in my heart. I think when we can come to peace with those around us, and let them know how we feel, the fear of dying lessons if that makes any sense? Anyway have to jet to bed have the funeral tomorrow morning and a long drive to get there!
Ruth


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## SocialbFly (Apr 10, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> The title of this thread may be a little off. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to say, but I really need to talk about this. The recent events have put my head in a spin that won't quit.
> 
> How is it that I am still here, breathing a living when so many others have passed on. People who were probably nicer than me, had more friends than me, as far as I am aware, healthy as me.
> 
> ...



You know, i used to be afraid of this too when i was younger...what my age has taught me, is that you have to learn to live...tomorrow i promsed to no one...if we worry about dying we waste our time not living...

i know i keep saying this, but i choose to live...live with my big fat ass and my big fat body....it doesnt mean i dont do it smartly, but i try and do it wisely and live...

Live and show them we fat people can have a healthy long life...


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## Mini (Apr 10, 2009)

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> Because no one knows when death will come, I feel it's important to let the people who are close to you know how much they mean to you. For example, Sandie and I tell each other "I love you" several times a day. Any time I'm talking to my kids on the phone, the conversation always ends with a round of I Love Yous - usually started by my kids.
> 
> Bottom line? Let the people in your life who are special to you know how special they are every chance you get. You never know when you'll never get another chance.



I don't often agree with you, but I'll be damned if that isn't exactly what I do, too. Learned it from the parents, and think it's incredibly good advice.

I am not a religious or spiritual person. I believe quite strongly that this is *the* life I get to live. All I can say is that I am leading the life I want to live, and I will do whatever it takes to prolong it. I know I will die one day, and it doesn't bother me, because I will die knowing I've done what I wanted and needed to do.

I don't know if that helps or not.


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## FaxMachine1234 (Apr 10, 2009)

I believe in heaven, but I also believe that no one should go there before it's their time to go, and there are too many good people in the world who've passed on recently before they've given us all they have to give. It's a heart-wrenching thing, really. How it applies to this site and this sub-culture...I don't know. I just don't know.


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## Tooz (Apr 10, 2009)

Ekim said:


> I believe in heaven, but I also believe that no one should go there before it's their time to go, and there are too many good people in the world who've passed on recently before they've given us all they have to give.



See, now I think people die when it is their time. Even if it's like that baseball player who was killed a few days ago by someone running a red light. I think everyone has a set time and way to die, on some cosmic level. It's still sad, and my mentality doesn't lessen any anguish.


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## FaxMachine1234 (Apr 10, 2009)

Tooz said:


> See, now I think people die when it is their time. Even if it's like that baseball player who was killed a few days ago by someone running a red light. I think everyone has a set time and way to die, on some cosmic level. It's still sad, and my mentality doesn't lessen any anguish.



Well yeah, I agree that it's not random on that "cosmic" level (though that Angels player did get dealt a rough hand); by saying they've gone too early, I mean by our mortal standards. I'm never comfortable with death, and the way I am I'm not sure I ever will be; it's just best for me to remember the best things about the person and what they brought to the world, and usually that makes me feel better.


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## Tooz (Apr 10, 2009)

Ekim said:


> Well yeah, I agree that it's not random on that "cosmic" level (though that Angels player did get dealt a rough hand); by saying they've gone too early, I mean by our mortal standards. I'm never comfortable with death, and the way I am I'm not sure I ever will be; it's just best for me to remember the best things about the person and what they brought to the world, and usually that makes me feel better.



Ah, yeah, I get you. And I totally agree.


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## Dansinfool (Apr 10, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> The title of this thread may be a little off. I'm sorry I didn't know what else to say, but I really need to talk about this. The recent events have put my head in a spin that won't quit.
> 
> How is it that I am still here, breathing a living when so many others have passed on. People who were probably nicer than me, had more friends than me, as far as I am aware, healthy as me.
> 
> ...



BigBellySSBBW,
No one has tought how to act or what to say when someone dies. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.
For the most part no one has tought us even how to grieve. Unfortunately death is not prejidice. It doesn't matter if your 2 or 102, when your time is up it's up.
Death is here to make us uncomfortable. It makes us
question our own mortality.
Where you stated " My heart is bleeding out of sorrow
and fear" you are spot on of what grief does to us.
I have 3 small books all of 15 pgs long written by
Barbara Karnes. One is called My Friend, I Care
The Grief Experience. In it she writes " Grief has physical sensations.Our heart is screaming;it physically hurts.There is a knot is our stomach and a sinking feeling
happens when we think about the person who is gone.When we think, we feel and when we feel we hurt.
With grief comes along fear.When someone around us dies it reminds us that we can die.We are reminded of how little control we have over our own lives.
So, like a fresh wound you need time to heal. 
As for all of your own questons. Take each day as it comes. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. It's okay.Sometimes it makes us look within to see what is
important in life. I myself take nothing for granted.
If my eyes open in the morning and I take another breath I am thankful for today.
I feel your pain as I'm sure others here are experiencing
the same things after the loss of Cindy.It's good to
talk about it and express what you are going through.
You are not alone!
In time it will get better. Be well and take good care of
you.


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## Jon Blaze (Apr 10, 2009)

Life is about assessing the risks, and the choice to either live or die. 
You can surely do things that influence how fast or how slow you pass, but when your time comes, it comes, and it doesn't matter how you once lived. 

There's nothing wrong with thinking about the good, but none of us have manual control over how fast the hands of time turn for us. We can only influence our fate, and hope we don't leave this world so soon.


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## imfree (Apr 10, 2009)

Dansinfool said:


> BigBellySSBBW,
> No one has tought how to act or what to say when someone dies. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.
> For the most part no one has tought us even how to grieve. Unfortunately death is not prejidice. It doesn't matter if your 2 or 102, when your time is up it's up.
> Death is here to make us uncomfortable. It makes us
> ...



That pretty well tells it like it is. Your post deserves all the
Rep I can give and I encourage others to Rep it, as well.


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## BeautifulPoeticDisaster (Apr 10, 2009)

I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am reading it all and trying to take everything on board. It's just so hard not to think about it every second of the day. I find myself afraid to eat much at all, which I know is HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL....but I can't seem to separate the two (being supersized and dying) at this time. 

Thanks for your advice everyone. I love you guys, seriously.


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## Ernest Nagel (Apr 10, 2009)

A Spanish phrase I find very empowering; _La vida es un instante bajo el sol_...Life is an instant under the sun...it carries the eternity of the present moment. 

Kinda reminds me of Tina's siggy from Omar Khayam, "Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."


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## Gendo Ikari (Apr 10, 2009)

I guess this is why I mostly hang around the library section of this forum, the reality of my fantasies are too sad and heavy on my heart and Conscience.


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## Carrie (Apr 10, 2009)

Gendo Ikari said:


> I guess this is why I mostly hang around the library section of this forum, the reality of my fantasies are too sad and heavy on my heart and Conscience.


Gendo, you might want to check out the brand new FA/FFA Forum, and this thread specifically, about FA guilt.


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## TallFatSue (Apr 10, 2009)

Sometimes when I ask myself the meaning of life, my engineer husband chimes in and says. "Life has no meaning. It's merely a consequence of complex carbon chemistry." 

In a way, though, Art is right. The meaning of life is not the destination, it's the journey. Despite the supposed health risks and the real logistical challenges imposed by obesity, my fat has done me much more good than harm. It has forced me to think creatively and independently, and to recognize what is and is not truly important in life, and to be my own woman. I've had such a rich variety of life experiences and genuine "joie de vivre" that even if I died tomorrow, I'd consider it a life well spent. Luckily the older I become, merely by still being here, the less likely I'll die an early death (gee, so simple and yet so profound  ). But just to be on the safe side, maybe Art & I should begin to contemplate an early retirement.


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## Skinny6ft4 (Apr 10, 2009)

TallFatSue said:


> ... One great fringe benefit of accommodating rather than fighting my fat is that I have a pretty doggone good outlook and enjoyment of life, and a positive attitude can be excellent medicine. Nonetheless, whenever I hear about the death of anyone 400lb or more, I think there but for the grace of God go I.



sue, you mentioned something that is a greater truth than SO many people realize. it's easy to obsess about physically obvious factors such as being overweight (or even underweight... i've gotten a fair share of grief over being my size)... and the potentially inherent health risks. but the GREATEST risk of all is being unhappy with your life. people can be the perfect weight... eating all the "right" foods and exercising daily... but if they're dealing with undue stress at work, or are simply not happy in their jobs... or are dealing with huge amounts of stress in their personal/familial lives that continues long-term... they are arguably at greater risk of cancer and heart illness than obese people who are relatively happy in their lives. 

i wish our society would focus more on personal factors such as happiness at home... and personal fulfillment with their work/careers... more so than how much someone weighs.


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## rainyday (Apr 10, 2009)

I believe life is a continuum and that our time here is just one segment. For me, the concept of living like there IS a tomorrow diminishes death's power to terrify. In my experience witnessing death up close lessens the fear as well.

I share your pondering of what our bodies can carry though, Donni, and what kind of service they'll continue to give us. I don't fear death but I fear my body giving out and holding me hostage until it dies. I also fear losing others and I struggle much more with what the rest of my years here will look like than what comes once they're over. Posted on my fridge is the scripture “Do not be afraid; only believe" (Mark 5:36) because right now I need to be reminded (over and over) to let go of those fears as well.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now, including with food. It's easy to think of the wrong foods hastening death. But there's so much healing power in food too, so much vital life right down to the enzymes. It's amazing what the right foods can reverse. I hope you can think of food that way instead. Besides, who can eat something like a fresh juicy peach and not feel a little spike of well-being and pleasure. Hugs to you.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Apr 10, 2009)

When I read about Cindy's death I had a bit of a pity party for myself. I felt horrible, I thought "I must be next." But then I realized none of us have any idea when we will be called into the spirit world. Why are we alive and great athletes drop dead? Why? There is no answer to that, ever. Our lives are what they are. We are here for as long as we are here. The thing that gives me comfort is knowing even in spirit, we're still here. 

I don't know how long I have - none of us do, but to worry about it instead of living that life, I think, is the only real sin there is.


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## imfree (Apr 10, 2009)

rainyday said:


> I believe life is a continuum and that our time here is just one segment.....snipped........
> 
> I'm sorry you're struggling right now, including with food. It's easy to think of the wrong foods hastening death. But there's so much healing power in food too, so much vital life right down to the enzymes. It's amazing what the right foods can reverse. I hope you can think of food that way instead. Besides, who can eat something like a fresh juicy peach and not feel a little spike of well-being and pleasure. Hugs to you.



People have said so much bad about food that it's too easy
to forget that wise food choices can lead to healing. My
home health nurse, Jennifer, who treats and dresses my
diabetic leg wounds, advised me to increase protein in my
diet. I switched from 4 nasty salt-laden beef hot dogs at
lunch to 2 generous(1 lb total) slow cooked hamburgers
every day and now my wounds are healing rapidly. I
quadrupled my protein and cut out quite a bit of salt!

Be wise, eat well, and live long.:bow:


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## KnottyOne (Apr 10, 2009)

Tooz said:


> See, now I think people die when it is their time. Even if it's like that baseball player who was killed a few days ago by someone running a red light. I think everyone has a set time and way to die, on some cosmic level. It's still sad, and my mentality doesn't lessen any anguish.



I don't know, I understand where you are coming with this but I have a hard time agreeing. I mean I flatlined once already in my life and I am still here, and I just don't believe that we all have a predetermined time to go. I don't like to be a fatalist like that. Yea, I understand that we all gotta go one day, but saying that from the beginning it is set in stone how and when, well then just what is the point. If I knew I was going to die at an exact time in an exact way, how could you steer your life, I mean that knowledge could be helpful but still, just doesn't seem right. And I mean like in the case of the Angel's pitcher, what happens when someone else's life is thrown towards your like that, it just seem like to much human intervention. Not to mention the other 2 passengers in the car that died, I find it hard to believe 3 people were all slated to die the same way, at the same time, the same way from the beginning. I mean I'm still here, and by all means I should be dead, does this mean I beat the curve or tricked death at its own game? Honestly these are question I don't like to think about, yea, one day i'll be in the ground, but I have no idea when or how, and I don't want to sound cliche, but to hell with those thoughts, I got breath now, best not to waste it.


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## Tooz (Apr 10, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am reading it all and trying to take everything on board. It's just so hard not to think about it every second of the day. I find myself afraid to eat much at all, which I know is HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL....but I can't seem to separate the two (being supersized and dying) at this time.
> 
> Thanks for your advice everyone. I love you guys, seriously.




Honey, you know I love you, so I say this with respect-- have you thought of talking to someone about this? It seems pretty serious, and might there be some professionals in the health care system over there you could speak with? I know that, for me, when I was in a bad spot, it helped. I just want to see you feeling better! I know it's complex, though.  My prayers are with you, regardless.



KnottyOne said:


> I don't know, I understand where you are coming with this but I have a hard time agreeing. I mean I flatlined once already in my life and I am still here, and I just don't believe that we all have a predetermined time to go. I don't like to be a fatalist like that. Yea, I understand that we all gotta go one day, but saying that from the beginning it is set in stone how and when, well then just what is the point. If I knew I was going to die at an exact time in an exact way, how could you steer your life, I mean that knowledge could be helpful but still, just doesn't seem right. And I mean like in the case of the Angel's pitcher, what happens when someone else's life is thrown towards your like that, it just seem like to much human intervention. Not to mention the other 2 passengers in the car that died, I find it hard to believe 3 people were all slated to die the same way, at the same time, the same way from the beginning. I mean I'm still here, and by all means I should be dead, does this mean I beat the curve or tricked death at its own game? Honestly these are question I don't like to think about, yea, one day i'll be in the ground, but I have no idea when or how, and I don't want to sound cliche, but to hell with those thoughts, I got breath now, best not to waste it.



I maintain that I think everyone has a time. I have always felt that there is so much going on in the universe that we don't understand, and I just think it happens that way. People will have scrapes with death, sure-- but I just think there's a time for everyone. I say this regardless. It doesn't matter if it's someone close to me or not. Maybe it's my coping mechanism, but I stand by it. I don't fault anyone for having a different idea on it, though. Maybe we'll all figure out how it REALLY happens when we die.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 10, 2009)

Gendo Ikari said:


> I don't think we should kid ourselves, being extremely big is a health risk. Keyword is risk. You might not feel bad now, but you are still playing with fire. God, I hate to sound like I'm on the opposite team, I mean, I like SSBBWs, they attract me to no end. I guess Cindy's death makes me question my own ethics as an FA. Is it OK for me to get off on other people's suffering? I don't know.



No intentions to derail, but I have to say this. 

DO you get off on the suffering? If you are attracted to large women, then you are - it's not the suffering you like, it's the woman, the person, the whole package. 

Get thee to the FA board. Please - threads there you should read.


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## superodalisque (Apr 11, 2009)

Gendo Ikari said:


> I don't think we should kid ourselves, being extremely big is a health risk. Keyword is risk. You might not feel bad now, but you are still playing with fire. God, I hate to sound like I'm on the opposite team, I mean, I like SSBBWs, they attract me to no end. I guess Cindy's death makes me question my own ethics as an FA. Is it OK for me to get off on other people's suffering? I don't know.



its great that you are being really honest and thoughtful. its so important for you to work out how you really feel now rather than in the middle of something where someone else's welfare might be in your hands.


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## superodalisque (Apr 11, 2009)

AnnMarie said:


> No intentions to derail, but I have to say this.
> 
> DO you get off on the suffering? If you are attracted to large women, then you are - it's not the suffering you like, it's the woman, the person, the whole package.
> 
> Get thee to the FA board. Please - threads there you should read.



some FAs have told me in private that they do get off on the suffering part. it was good of them to tell me as i had no idea. i have run into some really nice honest guys. i think it was important for me to know that so that there wouldn't be a conflict between the goals i have for myself and the things that excited them.

i'm not sure that suffering is necesarily a part of being a BBW or even an SSBBW. i i haven't investigated it as much as i would like. but i am very interested in everything that i can do to try and keep myself healthy and happy even though i'm the weight that i am. i go to my docs regularly. i eat organic as much as possible. even though i eat well there are some things that are bad for me that i don't eat very often. i've always been pretty active. i have a spinal issue now thats not weight related but i do my physical therapy religiously and i'm improving. i make sure to kep my attitude positive so that i won't give up. i'm 45 and i've managed pretty well so far but i know that as i get older there will be more to it but i definitely haven't given in to the idea that suffering necessarily has to be a part of my life just because i'm fat. i think there are other things that go into it like genetics and habits. some of those things can be mananged.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 11, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> some FAs have told me in private that they do get off on the suffering part. it was good of them to tell me as i had no idea. i have run inot some really nice honest guys. i think it was important for me to know that so that there wouldn't be a conflict between the goals i have for myself and the things that excited them.




I know some do, I asked if HE did.

If he doesn't then he's got need for that dialog. 


Hopefully he's spending time on the FA forum. They will be able to share things with him on a peer level.


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## Miss Vickie (Apr 11, 2009)

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> Because no one knows when death will come, I feel it's important to let the people who are close to you know how much they mean to you. For example, Sandie and I tell each other "I love you" several times a day. Any time I'm talking to my kids on the phone, the conversation always ends with a round of I Love Yous - usually started by my kids.
> 
> Bottom line? Let the people in your life who are special to you know how special they are every chance you get. You never know when you'll never get another chance.



I agree with this completely. Having lost both my parents when I was a pre-teen, let me tell you that you never know who you'll lose and when. The best we can do, I think, is let them know we love them. 



BigBellySSBBW said:


> I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am reading it all and trying to take everything on board. It's just so hard not to think about it every second of the day. I find myself afraid to eat much at all, which I know is HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL....but I can't seem to separate the two (being supersized and dying) at this time.
> 
> Thanks for your advice everyone. I love you guys, seriously.



Aw, I'm sorry you're struggling Donni.  I don't know why some people die and some don't. Why did Natasha Richardson die? Why hasn't someone like Courtney Love or that Winehouse woman or other people who abuse their bodies repeatedly died? I really think that when it's our time, then it's our time and we can't change that. But what we can do is live life to the fullest and share ourselves with others. :kiss2::smitten:



Sandie_Zitkus said:


> When I read about Cindy's death I had a bit of a pity party for myself. I felt horrible, I thought "I must be next." But then I realized none of us have any idea when we will be called into the spirit world. Why are we alive and great athletes drop dead? Why? There is no answer to that, ever. Our lives are what they are. We are here for as long as we are here. The thing that gives me comfort is knowing even in spirit, we're still here.
> 
> I don't know how long I have - none of us do, but to worry about it instead of living that life, I think, is the only real sin there is.



Sandie I know what you mean. I used to worry a lot like that, too, and when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and again when I was diagnosed with cancer. Like you I believe that living life is what counts, until we go to the next level of existence, whatever, whereever and however that is.


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## mergirl (Apr 12, 2009)

AnnMarie said:


> I know some do, I asked if HE did.
> 
> If he doesn't then he's got need for that dialog.
> 
> ...


I think if someone 'gets off' on another suffering then they are no more my peer than they are yours. I am an Fa and i would 'get off on' the suffering of someone no more than you would. I dont get at all how there would be support for someone like that on an Fa board?? I think in this instance though, it was just a matter of something being lost in translation. The Fa guilt thing, about loving fat, which might for some people be the thing that makes them suffer. I dont think he ment he got off on the suffering itself. Anyway, to reitterate, 'someone who 'gets off' on the suffering of others, No more my peer than yours'.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 12, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I think if someone 'gets off' on another suffering then they are no more my peer than they are yours. I am an Fa and i would 'get off on' the suffering of someone no more than you would. I dont get at all how there would be support for someone like that on an Fa board?? I think in this instance though, it was just a matter of something being lost in translation. The Fa guilt thing, about loving fat, which might for some people be the thing that makes them suffer. I dont think he ment he got off on the suffering itself. Anyway, to reitterate, 'someone who 'gets off' on the suffering of others, No more my peer than yours'.




I didn't say someone who gets off on suffering is your peer. 

If you're going to quote me, don't answer as if I said something I didn't. Please.


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## mergirl (Apr 12, 2009)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> When I read about Cindy's death I had a bit of a pity party for myself. I felt horrible, I thought "I must be next." But then I realized none of us have any idea when we will be called into the spirit world. Why are we alive and great athletes drop dead? Why? There is no answer to that, ever. Our lives are what they are. We are here for as long as we are here. The thing that gives me comfort is knowing even in spirit, we're still here.
> 
> I don't know how long I have - none of us do, but to worry about it instead of living that life, I think, is the only real sin there is.


Sandie.. I can TOTALLY imagine you being one of those mental old grumpy opinionated ladies that is about 115 and trips you up with their walking sticks and laughs with an evil toothless grin!! Seriously!! lmao


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## swedishiron (Apr 12, 2009)

As much as I love Plus Size women my ideal plus size woman would be someone willing to workout with me to lose weight as a couple. I have lost 60lbs over the past 1.5 years and will continue to lose slowly but surely. Sad to say I had to break up with my SSBBW GF at the time who discouraged me from working out after initially lying to me and telling me she was committed to working out with me. 

Most women complain about their BFs runninng around possibly cheating on them - she would complain because i would want to go for a walk.

I had an overweight cousin that died in his mid 30s that has encouraged me to lose weight. 

I don't expect a woman to perfectly fit but at least workout and have some regard for her health along with her partners health. 

I will still date a SSBBBW and I have no problems taking out a woman whether she is 250LBS or 500LBS but for a long term relationship fitness is a major part of life for me...

And for those you that may hate what I say let me remind you all the hypocritical BBWs and SSBWs that will state in their online adds they ONLY date thin, athletic or average size men which seems to the be the MAJORITY of BBWs/SSBBWs that i see online these days! So what's the point of a BHM to stay a BHM ? YES I KNOW I KEEP BRINGING THIS POINT UP BUT IT BURNS IN MY BRAIN!

I find it interesting in being a BHM when I walk at the park, athletic fit women talk to me more readily than the BBWs that are at the park.

I don't shy away from someone just because they maybe a SSBBW/BBW.


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## swedishiron (Apr 12, 2009)

SEEK YE WISDOM SO YOUR DAYS MAYBE LONG...
I completely disagree with people that say when its your time, its your time. You can have a major impact on your longevity by picking a safer car (I currently a drive a Volvo after surviving a potentially fatal 50MPH side impact in a Volvo and Volvo does offer FREE seat belt extenders for at least some of their models - I got one for a previous SSBBW GF)), eating healthy foods, exercising etc.


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## mergirl (Apr 12, 2009)

AnnMarie said:


> I didn't say someone who gets off on suffering is your peer.
> 
> If you're going to quote me, don't answer as if I said something I didn't. Please.


"Hopefully he's spending time on the FA forum. They will be able to share things with him on a peer level."

This is what i had a problem with. I dont feel i am any more this guys peer than some of the bbws etc here. i dont see why him talking about getting off on suffering should be discussed on the Fa forum so he could be supported..why there and not here? If suffering was what he was talking about to begin with.. though i suspect there are some crossed wires there.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 12, 2009)

swedishiron said:


> As much as I love Plus Size women my ideal plus size woman would be someone willing to workout with me to lose weight as a couple. I have lost 60lbs over the past 1.5 years and will continue to lose slowly but surely. Sad to say I had to break up with my SSBBW GF at the time who discouraged me from working out after initially lying to me and telling me she was committed to working out with me.
> 
> Most women complain about their BFs runninng around possibly cheating on them - she would complain because i would want to go for a walk.
> 
> ...




You've got an axe to grind, and it's a message that goes from one issue to another. 

You want to be fit or active? Fine, go for it. You want a partner who shares the same interests?? Fine, that's your choice. 

The issue of any woman liking any type of man is not an issue here, nor should it be. You have your preferences, they all have theirs - they are not issues of "ewww, not you!" but instead a "wow, he's great!". For all the girls you are "great" for, there are others that would not be to their liking. 

We like what we like, and you assigning judgement to those who have a preference helps no one. Like who you like, let others do the same, and we'll be just fine.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 12, 2009)

mergirl said:


> "Hopefully he's spending time on the FA forum. They will be able to share things with him on a peer level."
> 
> This is what i had a problem with. I dont feel i am any more this guys peer than some of the bbws etc here. i dont see why him talking about getting off on suffering should be discussed on the Fa forum so he could be supported..why there and not here? If suffering was what he was talking about to begin with.. though i suspect there are some crossed wires there.




Once again, you quote me but took the sentence that put that in context out to make a point of your own - one I did NOT state. Here is my quote in it's entirety. 



AnnMarie said:


> I know some do, I asked if HE did.
> 
> *If he doesn't then he's got need for that dialog. *
> 
> ...




Bold added by me because you seem to have either not read or misread that every time you've quoted me.


IF HE DOESN'T.


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## SamanthaNY (Apr 12, 2009)

swedishiron said:


> As much as I love Plus Size women my ideal plus size woman would be someone willing to workout with me to lose weight as a couple. I have lost 60lbs over the past 1.5 years and will continue to lose slowly but surely. Sad to say I had to break up with my SSBBW GF at the time who discouraged me from working out after initially lying to me and telling me she was committed to working out with me.
> 
> Most women complain about their BFs runninng around possibly cheating on them - she would complain because i would want to go for a walk.
> 
> ...



Yes, I hate what you say - for a number of reasons. But first, let me ask: 
*WHY DID YOU POST THIS IN *THIS* THREAD*. Since you're not the brightest bulb, I'll let you know that that question is rhetorical. That means you don't answer it. But you think about it - because it's written in really big type. Why do you think that is? Let's ponder... 



> SEEK YE WISDOM SO YOUR DAYS MAYBE LONG...
> I completely disagree with people that say when its your time, its your time. You can have a major impact on your longevity by picking a safer car (I currently a drive a Volvo after surviving a potentially fatal 50MPH side impact in a Volvo and Volvo does offer FREE seat belt extenders for at least some of their models - I got one for a previous SSBBW GF)), eating healthy foods, exercising etc.


 
This thread is for grieving, not preaching. 

Hit the road, Tammy Faye.


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## wrestlingguy (Apr 12, 2009)

Gendo Ikari said:


> I don't think we should kid ourselves, being extremely big is a health risk. Keyword is risk. You might not feel bad now, but you are still playing with fire. God, I hate to sound like I'm on the opposite team, I mean, I like SSBBWs, they attract me to no end. I guess Cindy's death makes me question my own ethics as an FA. Is it OK for me to get off on other people's suffering? I don't know.



And I DO know. Ann Marie suggested you take a look at the FA board, but I'm thinking it needs to be said here.


I don't think I'm alone in saying this. In every FA relationship that I've had, the goal was to get my partner to immobility.

*In my dreams.*

We're dealing with real people here. I worry about my partner's health, weight notwithstanding. I also worry about people who smoke, or are sedentary, or eat foods loaded with carcinogens, or people who don't take vitamins & supplements.

When you love someone, you will do all you can to keep them with you as long as you can (or as Tooz has said, until your time is up). At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you've done everything you can to help your partner be physically & emotionally healthy. Hopefully the answer is always yes.

In my life, then, and only then, will I close my eyes and dream of her immobile. There's no guilt in that.


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## mergirl (Apr 12, 2009)

I wasn't trying to make a point of my own. It was a misunderstanding. 

"DO you get off on the suffering? If you are attracted to large women, then you are - it's not the suffering you like, it's the woman, the person, the whole package. 
Get thee to the FA board. Please - threads there you should read."

To me this sounded like you were asking him a question, giving him another option and then directing him to the Fa boards.
i see the first bit was more of a..is it really the suffering you like or just fat?
i see now.
I should go to bed..i'm tired and misreading.
sorry i took you the wrong way.
There feels like there is a bit of an atmosphere of defence and mistrust at the moment here..i dont know if this is something that happens now and again or if it is just something that is happening.


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## NoWayOut (Apr 12, 2009)

Everyone has their own way of dealing with death. I personally do not fear death anymore, but that's just me. Doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else. Anything you feel after death is normal.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Apr 12, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Sandie.. I can TOTALLY imagine you being one of those mental old grumpy opinionated ladies that is about 115 and trips you up with their walking sticks and laughs with an evil toothless grin!! Seriously!! lmao



LOL - me too!!


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## Gendo Ikari (Apr 12, 2009)

I guess I should point out what I mean by suffering. When I said suffering I meant my personal fantasies that I read in the library section, that come into my mind when I look and fantasize at SSBBWs. In the wake of Cindy's death I question why I am into this sort of crap.

Bad choice of words? Maybe. Posting while grieving? Maybe. I didn't mean to cause such a ruckus.


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## EtobicokeFA (Apr 13, 2009)

Gendo Ikari said:


> I don't think we should kid ourselves, being extremely big is a health risk. Keyword is risk. You might not feel bad now, but you are still playing with fire. God, I hate to sound like I'm on the opposite team, I mean, I like SSBBWs, they attract me to no end. I guess Cindy's death makes me question my own ethics as an FA. Is it OK for me to get off on other people's suffering? I don't know.



But, not all SSBBW suffer, and not all SSBBW die earlier so, it not getting off on other people's suffering. 



TallFatSue said:


> Agreed. It's sad to see anyone die young or at least relatively young. Whenever I hear about a SSBBW who isn't all that much fatter than I am, it sure gives me a queasy feeling. Ever since I turned f-f-fifty, my mortality has been on my mind. When I was a girl my mother said I'd never live to see 30, and then 40, but now I'm 51 and I'm still here.
> 
> It sure doesn't help that my level of fat is called "mordbid" obesity. Why not call it something more pleasant like "advanced" obesity or "extra super duper" obesity, like the overachiever that I am? Last year when my weight flirted with 500lb I sure felt the effects: sore joints, aching feet, shortness of breath and sometimes after only moderate exertion my heart just went thumpa-thumpa-thumpa. Now that I'm back down to my more normal weight of 450lb I feel much better, but it kinda bothers me that I'm so close to what seems to be my limit. What if I that stuff begins to creep up on me at my present weight as I age? None too pleasant to think about.
> 
> ...



Unfortunately when supersized people die, my mind also goes to, just how dangerous weight is. But, people still live above the limit of their body, and don't remain active and eat right, and we all (should) know that if you do not that all myths of obesity, become fact.


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## superodalisque (Apr 13, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I think if someone 'gets off' on another suffering then they are no more my peer than they are yours. I am an Fa and i would 'get off on' the suffering of someone no more than you would. I dont get at all how there would be support for someone like that on an Fa board?? I think in this instance though, it was just a matter of something being lost in translation. The Fa guilt thing, about loving fat, which might for some people be the thing that makes them suffer. I dont think he ment he got off on the suffering itself. Anyway, to reitterate, 'someone who 'gets off' on the suffering of others, No more my peer than yours'.



there are a lot out there who just don't talk about it here--even if he might not be one of them. its not at all that unusual. and she as well as ssbbws such as myself know about it. it was a valid question for her to ask. an ssbbw better ask if she wants to know in my opinion.


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## superodalisque (Apr 13, 2009)

EtobicokeFA said:


> But, not all SSBBW suffer, and not all SSBBW die earlier so, it not getting off on other people's suffering.
> 
> 
> 
> Unfortunately when supersized people die, my mind also goes to, just how dangerous weight is. But, people still live above the limit of their body, and don't remain active and eat right, and we all (should) know that if you do not that all myths of obesity, become fact.



if thin people are inactive and don't eat right they don't live out thier years well or late either. plus we could, any of us, get hit by a bus etc...


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## AnnMarie (Apr 13, 2009)

If a smoker dies and it's not from lung cancer, does everyone stand around and say "well, I knew that smoking would get him one day!". No?

K, just checking.


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## imfree (Apr 13, 2009)

missaf said:


> With how sick I was the past year, I thought for certain death was coming for me. Then I found out my insulin resistance, obesity, aches and pains, insomnia, etc.. were *all* caused by the side effects of too much of one certain hormone flooding my body since childhood.
> 
> Where I thought WLS was going to become my only option, brain surgery took its place, and I'm changing by leaps and bounds daily, for the better.
> 
> Through all of what's happened to many of our fat friends, looking past our fat to good health becomes a full time job. There are options out there, there are doctors who see fat as a sign and not just the end result. We owe it to their memories to become our own best health advocates and pursue good health despite most people only seeing our size.



AMEN, Sister!!! Aside from God, wise advice from an older
doctor on how much bed rest was needed and advice
from my home health nurse to eat a lot of protein, are
causing my diabetes wounded legs to heal at a phenomenal 
speed. Oh My God!!!,:doh: lying down and eating more!!!, two
things fat people just aren't supposed to do!!! I am my best
health advocate, I fight the good fight, it works! I urge
everyone to be proactive and take charge of your own health.
Learn all you can about your health conditions and don't let
any doctor take you for a ride for being fat!:bow:


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## superodalisque (Apr 13, 2009)

i was just thinking. that many lives have probably been saved or will be saved soon because out of a death, no matter what the cause, people have become more serious about taking better care of themselves.


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## imfree (Apr 13, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i was just thinking. that many lives have probably been saved or will be saved soon because out of a death, no matter what the cause, people have become more serious about taking better care of themselves.



While it is very morbid to ask for details about anyone's death,
perhaps it would be justifiable for a family to release details, 
maybe even anonymously, if the information can save other lives.


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## Wayne_Zitkus (Apr 13, 2009)

swedishiron said:


> SEEK YE WISDOM SO YOUR DAYS MAYBE LONG...
> I completely disagree with people that say when its your time, its your time. You can have a major impact on your longevity by picking a safer car (I currently a drive a Volvo after surviving a potentially fatal 50MPH side impact in a Volvo and Volvo does offer FREE seat belt extenders for at least some of their models - I got one for a previous SSBBW GF)), eating healthy foods, exercising etc.


And then you have people like Jim Fixx, who advocaed running for maintaining good health - until one day when his heart exploded during a run, killing him instantly.

None of us know when our number is up. I had one aunt who was a BBW - she spent most of adult her life between 300 and 40 pounds, and died at age 73. My mother, OTOH, was very weight-conscious; she died at 72.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 14, 2009)

swedishiron said:


> SEEK YE WISDOM SO YOUR DAYS MAYBE LONG...
> I completely disagree with people that say when its your time, its your time. You can have a major impact on your longevity by picking a safer car (I currently a drive a Volvo after surviving a potentially fatal 50MPH side impact in a Volvo and Volvo does offer FREE seat belt extenders for at least some of their models - I got one for a previous SSBBW GF)), eating healthy foods, exercising etc.



I don't want my days to be long. I want my days to be fulfilling where I'm using my gifts, acheiving my dreams and affecting people in a positive way. If I want a Mustang that's what I'm getting and I don't care if that's not ok with you. While I'm here I'm going to do what I do and hope that I can leave a fraction of the positive impact Cindy has left for people who otherwise have to stare down ugly every day. How dare you judge her.


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## EtobicokeFA (Apr 14, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> if thin people are inactive and don't eat right they don't live out thier years well or late either. plus we could, any of us, get hit by a bus etc...



Unfortunately, unlike our thinner counterparts, people assume when we die it is from not taking care of ourselves, until it is proven otherwise. If we where thin it would be the opposite. 



AnnMarie said:


> If a smoker dies and it's not from lung cancer, does everyone stand around and say "well, I knew that smoking would get him one day!". No?
> 
> K, just checking.



No, we usually stand around and say "well, at least the cancer didn't get them! "


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## TraciJo67 (Apr 14, 2009)

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> And then you have people like Jim Fixx, who advocaed running for maintaining good health - until one day when his heart exploded during a run, killing him instantly.
> 
> None of us know when our number is up. I had one aunt who was a BBW - she spent most of adult her life between 300 and 40 pounds, and died at age 73. My mother, OTOH, was very weight-conscious; she died at 72.



Agreed, Wayne. I have a 59-year-old coworker who died unexpectedly last Monday. He was a career marathon runner, and in seemingly excellent physical health. He was out jogging, suffered a massive heart attack, and died before paramedics could get to him. 

I also have a 76-year-old family friend who probably weighs at least 400 pounds. While her mobility is affected, she is in otherwise reasonably good health. And, come on, she's 76. 

You just never know. And although I believe that people should take the best care of themselves that they can, in the end, weight is often just a number on the scale... and living in fear is no kind of living at all. I strongly believe in the HAES concept, inasmuch as it encourages people to be as active as they can be.


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## altered states (Apr 14, 2009)

I realize this was supposed to be a thread about grieving and I want to respect that, but it took a weird turn and I felt I had to comment. 

The tendency to judge really has to be checked. It just seems like prejudice is out of control in our society these days, even as racism, homophobia, etc is diminishing somewhat. Or maybe judgement is just a human trait down to our DNA. Everything bad that happens seems to need a villian and a hero and there's no room for nuance or ambiguity.

That's not to say I advocate, say, smoking four packs a day, or eating huge amounts of unhealthy food and never moving, or playing in traffic. I don't. But I really believe preconceived notions about people based on race, age, sexuality, size, and personal habits do nothing but close us off and stop discussion and progress towards greater understanding. No one is ever helped by shame - they're helped by knowing that someone out there understands them, or at least cares enough to try.


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## Ernest Nagel (Apr 14, 2009)

I suppose we can hope Redd Foxx was right - "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."


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