# Does anyone else HATE this fetish?



## balthyes (Nov 15, 2022)

I'm cis-hetero F with a fat fetish. But I'm also not kinky...It is so hard for me to find fat men who just... idk... like food and are okay with being fat without literally wanting to specifically gain or be fed... And who are okay with it all being a turn-on for me.

I have a new partner who is large (I think obese) and loves food. He loves that I love his squishy bits and he loves that I am happy to indulge his love of food. 

But... He said tonight that he is into health, specifically "building muscle and losing fat". How, though, can I be okay with this?

I really, really like him. We have a fantastic dynamic and he is incredibly attractive to me. So far, he eats a lot in my presence. But if he ultimately wants to lose weight? 

I don't want to lose attraction to him. I HATE that this dumb fetish means I can get so negatively fixated about weight loss. I KNOW that this fetish HURTS me when a partner loses weight, even if my (non-physical) feelings stay intact.

Help??

Uggghh if I could turn this fetish off I would...


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Nov 17, 2022)

My friend...if I had a dime for every time I've heard people say, in and out of this community, "That's it, I'm going on a regimen! Going to lose fat and gain muscle!" I'd have..a lot of dimes.

It lasts about a day, these resolutions. 

People say a lot of things.

You just met the guy.

Time will tell.

"Hate" is a strong word. The answer is no, don't hate the kink. (I don't call it a "fetish.")


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## balthyes (Nov 17, 2022)

Oh interesting. I don't consider myself kinky AT ALL. I guess for me, kink is sexual acts, while a fetish is a sexual attraction...

I do know he did get "thin", on purpose, some 10 years ago. It seems he could go that way again any time he sets his mind to it.

But for now all I can do is enjoy what is now and deal with any changes if they come.


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## Donna (Nov 17, 2022)

Okay, folks, let Nanny Donna explain the birds and bees, and kink.

*Kink, ** *according to sexuality psychological researcher Samuel Hughes, is "any consensual, non-traditional sexual or sensual behaviors." This includes BDSM, LGBTQI+, feederism, fetishes, intersectionality. So, a fetish is a kink, but not all kinks are fetishes. If it isn't the conservative idea of a man with a woman, sexuality experts consider it a "kink."

*Fetish ** *in this context refers to "a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked abnormally to an object or part of the body." People are NOT objects, neither are they single body parts. (It goes without saying, but I'm feeling more than a little pedantic today.)

*Sexual Attraction ** *is the desire to engage in sexual activity with a person or person(s).

Now, for a bit of a rant: Fat people are NOT fetishes. We are not inanimate objects. If you are attracted to a fat person(s), than that is a sexual attraction. it has been argued that FA/FFA is an orientation, but I disagree. Sexual orientation stems from gender and not body composition. It makes my eyeballs itch when an FA or FFA refers to a fat person as a fetish or that their attraction is a fetish.

And lastly, some unsolicited advice from an old woman who has been around the block a couple times and learned a few things: Do not commit to a long-term relationship unless you are willing to accept that the other person may at some point change. Just like you should never go into a relationship expecting you can change the other person, you must accept that somewhere during the long haul they will change somehow. Age, accident, illness can all change a person. You will change and so will your partner.

Keep that in mind and best of luck. 

_**And for the record, the word kink is not pejorative. In fact, none of the kinks, fetishes, and sexual attractions I've written about carry a negative connotation. They are descriptors only._


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## Angelette (Nov 17, 2022)

While I am mainly attracted to handsome fat men. I definitely think personality, being funny, and kind can be sexy as well. Regardless if the man is fat or not. Even I had a few skinny crushes in the past. But I get where you are coming from and I hope your mental health heals.


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## Angelette (Nov 18, 2022)

Just a gif to cheer you up!


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## balthyes (Nov 18, 2022)

Donna said:


> Okay, folks, let Nanny Donna explain the birds and bees, and kink.
> 
> *Kink, ** *according to sexuality psychological researcher Samuel Hughes, is "any consensual, non-traditional sexual or sensual behaviors." This includes BDSM, LGBTQI+, feederism, fetishes, intersectionality. So, a fetish is a kink, but not all kinks are fetishes. If it isn't the conservative idea of a man with a woman, sexuality experts consider it a "kink."
> 
> ...


This is why I don't consider myself kinky. Because it's about behaviours.

Fat people aren't fetishes. But their fat parts can be a fetish: "gratification is linked abnormally to an object or part of the body". And OMG I love a fat belly.

Is it "normal" to be gratified by fat bits?

Anyway, I am clearly not fetishizing this *person*.

Do you have any advice? Because I'd really like some. I *really* like this person as a person. But also, I am very attracted to him as he is -- fat. If he ever becomes not-fat, and the physical/sexual attraction is not the same as it was??

This can happen to anyone, right? "Normies" love their partners but may lose attraction when they *gain* weight.

I can't help but feel this is different though. I've never heard of anyone with "normal" attractions feeling *pain* when a partner's weight fluctuates beyond their attraction. I've only heard of this from people with a fetish.


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## balthyes (Nov 18, 2022)

balthyes said:


> Delete


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## balthyes (Nov 18, 2022)

Delete


Angelette said:


> While I am mainly attracted to handsome fat men. I definitely think personality, being funny, and kind can be sexy as well. Regardless if the man is fat or not. Even I had a few skinny crushes in the past. But I get where you are coming from and I hope your mental health heals.


Thank you. I can find not-fat men aesthetically appealing. But attraction is something else when they are fat. And them starting fat but losing weight is HARD!


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## Donna (Nov 18, 2022)

balthyes said:


> Fat people aren't fetishes. But their fat parts can be a fetish: "gratification is linked abnormally to an object or part of the body". And OMG I love a fat belly.





balthyes said:


> Is it "normal" to be gratified by fat bits?
> 
> Anyway, I am clearly not fetishizing this *person*.
> 
> ...


Is it normal to be gratified by fat bits? Depends…is it common or something a majority of people like? No. But for those of us who are, it’s part of how we’re wired, so it’s definitely normal.

Advice? I’ve got tons, but take any advice with a grain of salt. If you like him for him, and the fat belly is icing on the cake, then you’re probably going to still be attracted to him if he does lose weight and add muscle. I’m assuming you’re young—early twenties? I’m older than Moses, so like I said, I’ve been around the block a time or two. In the nearly twenty years that my husband and I have been together, we’ve both changed. But our love for each other is still there because it has changed with us. Sometimes the transitional times can be difficult, but if you maintain honest communication and with a little luck, you weather the changes.

Let’s remove fat from the equation for a moment. Imagine instead of finding belies erotic (goodness they are, though ) long, dark, thick hair gets your motor purring. Age, or perhaps illness, takes away your lover’s long hair and they go bald. Or their dark hair turns gray. Or they decided to cut it, color it. Would you dump him?

And yes, “normies” ( I prefer conventionally sized) can and do lose their attraction to their partner if they gain weight or change certain key aspects of their appearance. How cliche is the middle aged, balding man divorcing his fat, graying wife so he can bump uglies with his young, nubile secretary?

Is the relationship too new that you would be uncomfortable sharing your feelings with him? Could he possibly be thinking he needs to change because he thinks you’ll want him more if he is thinner and more muscular? In talking it out, you might find something else that turns you on as much as his belly.

Good luck.


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## balthyes (Nov 19, 2022)

Donna said:


> Is it normal to be gratified by fat bits? Depends…is it common or something a majority of people like? No. But for those of us who are, it’s part of how we’re wired, so it’s definitely normal.
> 
> Advice? I’ve got tons, but take any advice with a grain of salt. If you like him for him, and the fat belly is icing on the cake, then you’re probably going to still be attracted to him if he does lose weight and add muscle. I’m assuming you’re young—early twenties? I’m older than Moses, so like I said, I’ve been around the block a time or two. In the nearly twenty years that my husband and I have been together, we’ve both changed. But our love for each other is still there because it has changed with us. Sometimes the transitional times can be difficult, but if you maintain honest communication and with a little luck, you weather the changes.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I really appreciate your advice.

I'm 40 actually. Also polyamorous and one of my relationships is over a decade, so I do understand the whole "unconditional love" thing.

This guy knows about my attraction. I met him on a plus-size app and was upfront about it. He has given me unfettered access to his belly and loves the attention (yay!). So yeah, he wouldn't be assuming I would want him to lose weight!

The whole problem is that for me this is not comparable to any other physical changes. I've never been attracted to baldness but that's negligible compared to love/whole-person attraction.

Yes, I could still love someone who goes from fat to thin. I could still be physically attracted to them, even. But - and I don't even know how to describe this really - when it comes to this fetish (I will always call it that because it's something else entirely to other attractions or preferences I have) it will be really upsetting. It's like grief and hurt, feelings which can of course interfere with other feelings. The best I can do is try and bury it.

Haha, I meant "normies" in the sense of people who don't have this kind of attraction (the way it is for me).

Edited to add: Maaayyybe part of it is that it's technically something they can control. I get upset when they choose to change in that way, frustrated because of course I have no right to a say, and angry with myself for not being able (mentally and emotionally) to be impartial and supportive. And of course I'm unable to express any of this, because it's not fair to a partner to make them feel bad about their own body choices. I wouldn't want them to know I feel sad and am losing (a very specific type of) attraction to them.


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## Anomaly (Nov 19, 2022)

Yes, I can totally relate to this.

I describe my sexuality as a fetish as well. Medically, I believe it's termed a paraphilia. The analogy with hair, I absolutely like a man with nice hair, same as I like him to be dressed nicely. It's a turn-on and it's part of the initial impression someone creates. But it absolutely doesn't matter to me if a man is bald if he's fat and I like his personality. Hair fetishists no doubt exist, but they would be people who obsess over the sight and feel of their partners' hair, and sexual acts for these people would have to specifically involve hair.

Having nice hair would be a preference for me, but being fat is non-negotiable, in that I am not attracted to men who are not fat, same as I'm not physically attracted to women. The first relationship I attempted to have was with a man who was not fat, because he had a wonderful personality, and people tell you that appearance shouldn't matter and if you like someone as a person the rest will come. I wanted it to be true because he was such a great person to be with and we really 'got' each other, but it's a lie, and it did neither of us any good.

Some people are very fortunate to have the potential to be attracted to a wide range of physical attributes in a partner. For some people, being attracted to fat people is just a preference. I wish it was that way with me. I would like to still find fat bodies beautiful, but be capable of enjoying bodies that aren't fat as well. Instead, sexual attraction for me is specifically someone's backside/thighs/moobs/double chin, and sexual acts have to involve those parts in order to be sexy. This is an attraction to body parts normally considered 'non sexual' i.e. adipose depots. It is objectifying other people and it's a part of myself I don't like for this reason, and also probably because of fatphobia in the environment I grew up in. But all physical attractions technically objectify other people, and we don't get any choice in what we're attracted to. It's just this particular way of being has specific difficulties because some fat people (not all of them) experience health issues and some fat people (not all of them) are unhappy and want to change their bodies, and it can make it very difficult to find partners and have long-term relationships. For a lot of fat people, a partner who loves their body the way it is just isn't what they're seeking.

I'm also in my early 40s and I've found all my life it's very difficult to come across people I'm attracted to. When I have found someone, frequently it turned out that the person had no interest in me. The most intense and downright painful attractions I experienced always involved someone who had the body type I liked combined with certain personality traits and interests I could really relate to, and frequently it seemed had no interest in having relationships with anyone.

I am currently in a long-term relationship with a man who when I met him was overweight rather than fat. He has lost weight as he's got older (not deliberately) particularly around his face and I'm honestly not physically attracted to him any more. That's not to say I don't love him or I would dump him, but I feel unfulfilled that way in my life and it's a source of frustration and disappointment. I've never had a relationship with someone I was strongly attracted to body mind and soul, and the age I am now I expect it will never happen, and it's all because my brain is wired up this way. I was more optimistic when I was younger.

The only thing I can suggest is that if you're attracted to this man now, enjoy the relationship for however long it works. Also that, as you're a similar age to me, I think a lot of my resentment of my fetish and general dissatisfaction are a middle-age thing, and apparently it's quite common at some point in your 40s or 50s to regret what you haven't achieved and feel nostalgia for what you might have lost, and feel futility that what you have got that's good isn't going to last. If you read the research on it, it does find that this goes away with time and people feel more optimistic again as they get older.


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## balthyes (Nov 19, 2022)

Anomaly said:


> Yes, I can totally relate to this.
> 
> I describe my sexuality as a fetish as well. Medically, I believe it's termed a paraphilia. The analogy with hair, I absolutely like a man with nice hair, same as I like him to be dressed nicely. It's a turn-on and it's part of the initial impression someone creates. But it absolutely doesn't matter to me if a man is bald if he's fat and I like his personality. Hair fetishists no doubt exist, but they would be people who obsess over the sight and feel of their partners' hair, and sexual acts for these people would have to specifically involve hair.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your reply. I'm glad to hear from someone who understands it.

I always thought I was sexually attracted to a range of body types and fat bodies were just "something extra". I think I'm realising that that "something extra" is actually sexual (rather than just aesthetic) attraction. 

Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of "fat" experience most of my life. The fetish was a deep, dark secret for me, and something I never thought I'd ever say to anyone. I think because I'm small, bigger guys assumed I wouldn't be interested so didn't approach or respond to my approaches.

The bigger guys I did get into relationships with were always guys who had gained weight and wanted to lose it. Plus I didn't realise monogamy wasn't for me, so those relationships always ended anyway.

Assuming things keep going well with this guy, I don't want it only to last if he stays fat. I don't want to be a shallow person who prioritises looks. I know weight loss won't kill my feelings for someone, but it does cause me such difficult emotions.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing that in your relationship. I hope you can find some fulfillment somehow, some way.

And if things ever do come to an end, don't rule out any possibilities.


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## Angelette (Nov 19, 2022)

I will admit I am in the same boat. I don't think I will ever find true love. I'm also special ed and have server social anxiety along with niche taste. I think I will grow up lonely and be by myself. 

This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.


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## balthyes (Nov 19, 2022)

Angelette said:


> I will admit I am in the same boat. I don't think I will ever find true love. I'm also special ed and have server social anxiety along with niche taste. I think I will grow up lonely and be by myself.
> 
> This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.


Oh no, please don't do that!

True love isn't everything, but it's also not impossible for anyone to find.

Try everything you can to help your social anxiety.

Take one day at a time. 

By the way, life tends to get better as you get older. Please give yourself more time.


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## Anomaly (Nov 19, 2022)

Angelette said:


> I will admit I am in the same boat. I don't think I will ever find true love. I'm also special ed and have server social anxiety along with niche taste. I think I will grow up lonely and be by myself.
> 
> This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.


Please, please contact a mental health helpline if you are feeling suicidal. I can't post information here as I don't know what country you are in, but please google it and get the support you need. Having the relationship you want is not the only thing in life worth having and it does overall get easier as you get older. But it can feel very unfair particularly at certain ages (when you are young being one, and when you are having a midlife crisis being the other).



balthyes said:


> Thank you very much for your reply. I'm glad to hear from someone who understands it.
> 
> I always thought I was sexually attracted to a range of body types and fat bodies were just "something extra". I think I'm realising that that "something extra" is actually sexual (rather than just aesthetic) attraction.
> 
> ...



I realised after that first disastrous relationship I tried to have that non-fat people don't do anything for me. The way I can best describe it to other people is that a man who isn't fat looks to me much like a boy who hasn't grown up yet to typical people. Not revolting in any way, but in no way sexual.

I have the same problem as you being a small person! I am a tall person with a lean build. I can't get fat. My metabolism and genes just don't stack that way. I love food and my dream since puberty and I became interested in such things was the company of a big foodie guy to cook and eat with! I find the men who seem to show an interest in me are usually outdoorsy active types, hunters and hikers and that sort of guy. They are often interesting and likeable people but unfortunately I don't find them attractive in that way. I've never come across a big squishy gamekeeper with an arse like a Luton van and they probably don't exist, and it would be so much easier if I could just see something attractive in what's on offer.

My partner has from quite early on been open to the idea of me seeing someone else on the side. We are pretty open with each other about that sort of thing. That said, I've only met one person I was interested in since getting together with my partner, and he wasn't interested back.


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## Donna (Nov 19, 2022)

This discussion seems geared more toward admirers than the admired, and even though I identify as both, my default is being the admired so I’m bowing out.


Angelette said:


> I will admit I am in the same boat. I don't think I will ever find true love. I'm also special ed and have server social anxiety along with niche taste. I think I will grow up lonely and be by myself.
> 
> This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.



@Angelette, please talk to someone about why you feel suicide is your answer. As a survivor I’m here to tell you it is always the wrong answer. You can talk to someone by calling or texting 988 from your smart phone, or if you’d rather text with them:








Lifeline Chat and Text


Lifeline Chat and Text is a service of the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), connecting individuals with crisis counselors for emotional support and other services via web chat or SMS texting. All chat centers in the Lifeline network are...




988lifeline.org





You’re young; you have a lifetime to find your other person. I didn’t experience my first significant relationship until my thirties. I know someone who is in their sixties who thought their love life was over…a month later they’re in a wonderful, loving relationship. If nothing else, think about your siblings. I recall you saying elsewhere you act as a parent figure to them since your mother is absent and your father is obviously not parenting either. They need you. 

If you give up now, you AND your future LTR will be cheated out of your time together. Trust me, it gets better.


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## NZ Mountain Man (Nov 19, 2022)

I love a lot of the answers given on attraction.
Going back to one of Donna's comments. 
Kinky is anything beyond Missionary.
Karma Sutra is not being kinky. It is recognising that pleasurising errotic zones brings release and intimacy. Orgasms until too exhausted to have more is time well spent.
Infatuation with flesh that jiggles. Waddle under the neck. Armpits. Elbows. Legs Breasts. Bellies flat or expansive. What ever you are hard wired to is your thing. Denying who you are will bring depression and self hating. Finding someone who accepts you desire for them, for the traits you desire i them is the search. They are out there.
Back to Blyth first concern. 
Do you love him as a person? Do you love his personality, support his life beliefs? Would you allow, accept, aid his goals?
Are you just in lust with him?
DO you know or and understand his choice to loose weight and gain muscle? Is it for practical reasons? Is it because he is feeling ashamed? If so is it right or wrong.
DO you think he is trying to change to see life from the other side of the fence? If so he might come back. 
Should I grow a moustach. Two weeks in it is irritating. Return to life without a moustach.
Assess how you really feel. Assess how they really feel and want to do.
He might or might not be your partner. This might be something your relationship goes through to become strong. It might be a sign your search for a partner is not over.
Gather all the facts. Accept reality. Decide on a full life.


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## NZ Mountain Man (Nov 19, 2022)

Angelette stop reacting in a so defeated way.
*I don't think I will ever find true love.*
I have not found true love yet. 
Life has to teach so much more and the cosmos thinks I am not ready yet. 
If you meet your true love when you are not grown up enough you will blow it.
*have server social anxiety along with niche taste*
It is a sentient need (and you are a sentient being) to be accepted. You will not be accepted by everybody. Often by no fault of yours. Be yourself, kindness plays a lot in attraction. Genuine in what you say and do.
As for niche taste. Preferences. I want some rich who showers me with social status possessions. That if someone found it is formula to loneliness.
*This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.*
What is your question because it sounds like a wrong and impertinent question. There 8 billion people out there. One is a good partner to you. You are not in a remote village of 10 people.
Accept who you are, grow as a person every day. Meet and interact with others. 99% will be Hi and Good Bye. Learn about others, as no meeting is a waste of time and life if you grow as a person.
I think it was Moody Blues. "I know you are out there somewhere."


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## stevita (Nov 19, 2022)

Try to look at the positives! 

For example: if he starts going to the gym and putting on muscle, any more fat he incidentally gains will be less of.a burden on his mobility and he'll be able to do fun things with you without getting out of breath or hurting his back. Plus, the strenuous exercise will increase his appetite. 

I'm a pretty gung-ho feeder, and I'm lucky to have met a feedee who's the love of my life. But as much as I love fattening him and he loves getting stuffed, I still insist that he accompany me in my exercise so that we don't get to a point where his mobility and quality of life are compromised. Of course, I would love him and stay with him if he decided to get so big that he needed help in and out of the shower and whatnot, but we've had the conversation and decided that that's not the life for us for now.


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## balthyes (Nov 19, 2022)

stevita said:


> Try to look at the positives!
> 
> For example: if he starts going to the gym and putting on muscle, any more fat he incidentally gains will be less of.a burden on his mobility and he'll be able to do fun things with you without getting out of breath or hurting his back. Plus, the strenuous exercise will increase his appetite.
> 
> I'm a pretty gung-ho feeder, and I'm lucky to have met a feedee who's the love of my life. But as much as I love fattening him and he loves getting stuffed, I still insist that he accompany me in my exercise so that we don't get to a point where his mobility and quality of life are compromised. Of course, I would love him and stay with him if he decided to get so big that he needed help in and out of the shower and whatnot, but we've had the conversation and decided that that's not the life for us for now.


It's just the phrasing "lose fat" is the problem...


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## Angelette (Nov 19, 2022)

NZ Mountain Man said:


> Angelette stop reacting in a so defeated way.
> *I don't think I will ever find true love.*
> I have not found true love yet.
> Life has to teach so much more and the cosmos thinks I am not ready yet.
> ...


I wouldn't call my feelings impertinent. If I sugarcoated my thoughts. Then that defeats the purpose of me wanting to lean on someone. Especially during mid-life crisis while having no one to talk to in real life.


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## extra_m13 (Nov 20, 2022)

oh... i will try to write something. i do hate the associated risks. there is no hiding, being extremely overweight does shorten your life and has some drawbacks healthwise. so that is what i hate because... you are with your loved one and you want to see her get fatter but it is not a nice thing to see her struggle with the weight. and that is not cool. and that is something that i dont like about the fetish.


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## NZ Mountain Man (Nov 20, 2022)

Why do I always get misunderstood.NO feeling is impertinent. Sorry you thought that is what i meant.
What I meant was the angle you came at it was wrong. This shows you need some guidance.
The question asked is why is life not bringing the companion you are seeking.
You thought it might be your weight. This most likely would have come from dreadful things said to you. It is very easy to find the truth on the subject. There is so many overweight people that woman are throwing themselves at. Not every woman but there is plenty.
Give us or someone your reasons as we are on the outside of the emotional turmoil you are in. We (Any trusted and trusted) can add things to the dialogue in your head that can redirect your thoughts to planing away through your own issues.
Skinny people get to you are place you are in. If you lost all your extra weight would you be in the same state over being lonely?
I do not have the skills to council some on on a key board and often find my advice under attack because I press something without getting direct feed back. There are people online who can.
Keep hope. There is a way through. Success comes from answers pointing the way forward.


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## Anomaly (Nov 21, 2022)

NZ Mountain Man said:


> Why do I always get misunderstood.NO feeling is impertinent. Sorry you thought that is what i meant.
> What I meant was the angle you came at it was wrong. This shows you need some guidance.
> The question asked is why is life not bringing the companion you are seeking.
> You thought it might be your weight. This most likely would have come from dreadful things said to you. It is very easy to find the truth on the subject. There is so many overweight people that woman are throwing themselves at. Not every woman but there is plenty.
> ...


I think the poster is a young woman, who uses a picture of an attractive man as a forum avatar. 

@Angelette I don't know what age you are (other than other posters saying you are young) and what else you're going through at the moment, but hope you find the following useful as advice from a middle-aged person!

The reality of life unfortunately is that a lot of people don't get to live their dream with regards to what partner they want. In some cases, such as the modern 'incel' phenomenon, I suspect lack of effort and personal investment in self-growth play a large part in that, but in many cases it's because of things people have no choice in, such as fetishes, and can even be external factors outside of anyone's control. When I was young, I knew of two elderly women who lived together. My first impression was how great it was that lesbians in their day seemed to have been accepted and could do this, but as it turned out they weren't lesbians. One of them was married for two weeks before her husband was killed in action, and the other never had a partner because so many men died in the war there weren't enough to go round. Today, that's likely to be the case for many heterosexual Russian and Ukrainian women because of Putin's deranged war. Historically many gay people lived unfulfilled lives with no partner or had to live in secrecy with a partner because of persecution under unjust laws.

Even people who do manage to find the partner of their dreams will likely spend long parts of their lives without. Not all relationships last, and even those that do have the time before finding the other person and the time after one partner passes away for the one left. For many people, long term relationships involve a lot of compromise.

This is all good reason to invest in your life and plan for the likelihood that an ambition for a relationship might not be fulfilled. If it does happen, it's a bonus, but it helps you if you can avoid betting everything on that eventuality. The desire for it can feel overwhelming sometimes, at particular stages of life, and especially when you've recently been rejected by someone who seemed perfect for you, but at other times it does sort of fade into the background. My thirties were quite a settled time of my life when it didn't seem to matter that much and I was engrossed in other things. And of course, before we go through puberty we don't experience these desires, and live much more in the moment. You never know what the future has in store for you, and things could get much better. But suicide is not an answer, because that way you'll never find out and they definitely won't.

First of all, do try to research careers and find one that's right for you. So many young people just drift into boring jobs because they either aren't especially strong academically, or on the other hand they are academically strong and just choose the subject they like best and do that at university with no proper consideration of what kind of employment it might lead to and whether they're suited to it or it's something they would want to spend decades of their lives doing. Careers advice at schools is not adequate as it's often focused on the school's standing by how many pupils it can get into university. There are other ways of being intelligent and having rewarding work than academic achievement. If you are introverted and have social anxiety problems, careers where you can work alone or with a client rather than within a large group should be what you are researching.

Secondly, try to have a hobby or an interest that is different from your career. I say this because I have ended up doing some of my hobbies and interests for money and when there's a deadline and such it stops being a creative outlet and starts being work, which is especially annoying if it doesn't make a lot of money. Ideally it should be something that challenges you and that you can keep improving at, but have to work a lot at to improve. Popular things people pick are music, art, or writing. Or you can become an expert on a subject that interests you. The idea behind it is that you can do this when you are feeling stressed or depressed, and having to concentrate on it will take your mind away from what's bothering you and help your mood.

Thirdly, try to live in the moment and enjoy other people for the unique ways they are and how they connect to you. The memories of friendships I most cherish now I perhaps didn't appreciate so much at the time they happened because I was too hung up on the fantasy of meeting a big fat man who was my soulmate and losing ourselves in each other. That never happened. I still know most of the friends but time changes people and we aren't the same any more and can no longer connect on that level, and it seems so hard to meet people you connect with like that at the time of life I'm at now.

And please do use the contact information Donna gave you if you are still having suicidal feelings. Being young really is a hard time of life and especially so if you find something attractive that other young people won't understand or be tolerant of. I remember as a teenager we had to draw some sort of celebrity in art class. Everyone else was drawing sportsmen and actors and I wanted to draw Victor McGuire or Steven O'Donnell, but I ended up taking a picture of some generic guy from a boy band and drawing him. In a lot of ways I think people have sadly become less tolerant of fatness and this fetish (or whatever you want to call it) in the last thirty years. Everything now seems to be insanely politically correct and yet very sanctimonious about health and how eating things damages the environment.

Sorry for huge wall of text.


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## Angelette (Nov 21, 2022)

@Anomaly Part 1 because my response ended up rambly. Gomen nasai! 

Hi! Thank you for the genuinely kind response and in-depth advice. Yes, Farley was an attractive man. Oh, kiss me you hunk!

Let's get started by giving you a scenario of what my life is all about. (I hope someone gets this reference) First off, I am 22 years old that worked for an agricultural warehouse job for 3 years. Started straight out of high school back in 2019. Unfortunately, my job started to become unsteady. Me and my dad kept getting laid off. I was laid off 3 weeks ago lately. 

My mom gave up on the family and started living with her boyfriend in a nearby trailer. So, only me and my dad take care of my siblings who are in their mid-teens. Me and my dad have an unbalanced relationship. He has an anger problem and we often bicker. Even he gets easily upset with my siblings. He screwed up my mental health and I'm afraid I will have to cut ties with him someday. 

This same man kicked down my door last year just because I accidentally gave away his pewny Cinabon to my sister. One time made inappropriate comments about my body and fat shamed me. A few months ago, he scolded me for using my PTO even though I was struggling with depression and my job got overwhelming. He wasn't sympathetic with me when I explained to him my job screws up my mental health and made me suicidal. I know, I should've kept my mouth shut.

My early twenties were miserable due to mental health and evil Covid-19. I caught Covid last year and even a relative of mine passed away from it. I wasn't those lucky duckies that got to get paid while being at home. Oh no. I forgot why, but the unemployment office denied giving me unemployment benefits. 

Of course, moving out and finding a different job will solve all my problems. But it's not as easy as some people make it out to be. I'm not financially stable yet and can't even drive. Housing in America is way expensive compared to let's say The Philippines. (my mom is from there) 

When I was little, I dreamt of becoming an 2D animator. Because I grew up on animation and love the medium. I used to make animations at age 10 on a flash animation/forum site I wasn't supposed to be on. My works were mostly cringe furry and the kawaii phenomenon stuff. Sometimes old internet memes from that era. Nothing fancy.

Ever since my teen years. I gain a niche interest in 3D graphics. I started out with the Japanese program MikuMikuDance. Since that pars with the Vocaloid community and I was into that subculture. (think Hatsune Miku) Eventually I wanted to make my own models and practiced with the freeware Blender. I tried making one of the Spy vs. Spy characters with little success. I at least made their cone-shaped head. Blender is very advanced for an inexperienced 14 year old.

As my skills evolved into something that isn't just drawing. I was in digital media classes for a few times during the middle school days. Hell, that A from digital media class from that summer program grade helped boost my GPA. My GPA admittedly wasn't as high, but I at least graduated.


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## Anomaly (Nov 22, 2022)

Angelette said:


> @Anomaly Part 1 because my response ended up rambly. Gomen nasai!
> 
> Hi! Thank you for the genuinely kind response and in-depth advice. Yes, Farley was an attractive man. Oh, kiss me you hunk!
> 
> ...


It absolutely will get better once you start living independently. And the likelihood is that strained and difficult relationships with family will improve later in life given a bit of space.

When I was your age, my father would often lose his temper over money or small things like people's choices of words when they spoke that really shouldn't have mattered. My mother had a tendency to pit siblings against each other and ruin the relationships between them, and was fatphobic and bodyshamed people in general, and sitting watching television and making comments about how people looked and making vomiting noises at emotional scenes was what passed for humour in my family, and it's had an effect on how I think and relate to other people that I've only recently really started to understand and challenge. She came from a family background where being stoic was encouraged and people do not do things like express emotions outwardly, talk about mental health, compliment other people, or say they love each other. I was brought up thinking behaving otherwise was sentimental and weak, but now I realise it's a handicap in relationships with others, as I struggle to accept these things from other people, and when I try to provide them to people I care about, it feels unnatural and I worry it will be perceived as insincere.

I have an OK relationship with my parents today. It's not as close as some people have and it never will be, but it is what it is. My parents were a similar age to I am now when I was in my early twenties and were probably going through stuff like feeling unfulfilled and lacking enthusiasm and probably questioning the the choices they'd made like a lot of people do in middle age. I also think parents can be very controlling and often only learn that they need to back off and respect their child's choices once the child moves out and is able to enforce boundaries.

Keep doing your art and programming stuff, and keep enjoying and keep learning.  I hope you'll be able to find work suited for you and somewhere to live by yourself soon.


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## James1662 (Nov 23, 2022)

Angelette said:


> @Anomaly Part 1 because my response ended up rambly. Gomen nasai!
> 
> Hi! Thank you for the genuinely kind response and in-depth advice. Yes, Farley was an attractive man. Oh, kiss me you hunk!
> 
> ...


My suggestion would be to come up with a plan to live independently. Space between you and your family may be helpful for you.  This plan may take 6 months to put into action. Save every extra penny from whatever job you have and put it away. Figure out what kind of finances you are going to need to move into an apartment or house and work towards that. Another option is to look to rent a room if an apartment is too expensive. I know housing costs are high everywhere. You may have to take whatever job you can get while you are saving. Think long term about what kind of career or field you want to be in and plan towards that. There will be ups and downs but keep plugging away and working towards your goals. Figure out what steps you need to take to make that happen, whether that be schooling or training and begin working on that. There are many online accredited schools for pretty much anything.


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## JackCivelli (Nov 27, 2022)

Angelette said:


> I will admit I am in the same boat. I don't think I will ever find true love. I'm also special ed and have server social anxiety along with niche taste. I think I will grow up lonely and be by myself.
> 
> This is why I think suicide is my answer. I am sorry everyone.


I know you wrote this days ago and many people have responded, and I certainly hope you’ve taken these responses to heart. I know it can be hard, especially when you feel so alone in who you are. This preference is fairly unique, but it is growing.

I also had social anxiety for a long time, but I’ve gotten a lot better with it, even though my size often singles me out for discrimination.

But even if you don’t find someone who is your exact match, bonds still form through diversity. You can still be incredibly happy with someone who doesn’t tic all your boxes or vice versa.

And if I may include a more selfish reason for my reply, it’s been great chatting with you and having someone to fan chat about Chris Farley with!


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## Mel KM (Nov 27, 2022)

balthyes said:


> I'm cis-hetero F with a fat fetish. But I'm also not kinky...It is so hard for me to find fat men who just... idk... like food and are okay with being fat without literally wanting to specifically gain or be fed... And who are okay with it all being a turn-on for me.
> 
> I have a new partner who is large (I think obese) and loves food. He loves that I love his squishy bits and he loves that I am happy to indulge his love of food.
> 
> ...


Yesssssss. Sometimes this fetish is the WORST! I am very very attracted to fat men, and I am actually fairly kinky, in that it’s a turn on to watch/help a fat man gain and grow. But sometimes it takes over. It has made me make lots of bad choices over the years, and it has ruined a good relationship for me more than once. I, too, wish I could just turn it off, but it is inexorably part of me.

I would say that you shouldn’t let your fetish get in the way of your relationship, which makes sense intellectually, but if you’re like me, that’s why this is so frustrating. You can’t ignore it. 

I think you should tell him how you feel and if he’s willing to keep the weight on, stick with him. If he is dead set on loosing weight, it will just be a series of greater and greater disappointment until you are no longer attracted to him.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I’m just speaking from my own experience.


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## JackCivelli (Nov 28, 2022)

Mel KM said:


> Yesssssss. Sometimes this fetish is the WORST! I am very very attracted to fat men, and I am actually fairly kinky, in that it’s a turn on to watch/help a fat man gain and grow. But sometimes it takes over. It has made me make lots of bad choices over the years, and it has ruined a good relationship for me more than once. I, too, wish I could just turn it off, but it is inexorably part of me.
> 
> I would say that you shouldn’t let your fetish get in the way of your relationship, which makes sense intellectually, but if you’re like me, that’s why this is so frustrating. You can’t ignore it.
> 
> ...


I mean, I think it just depends on how highly your preference for fat men ranks in your relationship. If you won’t be attracted to him any longer he’s not fat anymore, it might not be worth it. If you can still be attracted to him if he loses weight, you should probably stick it out if you like him that much.

Either way, honesty is a good policy, and being open with him about your preferences is probably the best course of action.


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## balthyes (Nov 28, 2022)

Mel KM said:


> Yesssssss. Sometimes this fetish is the WORST! I am very very attracted to fat men, and I am actually fairly kinky, in that it’s a turn on to watch/help a fat man gain and grow. But sometimes it takes over. It has made me make lots of bad choices over the years, and it has ruined a good relationship for me more than once. I, too, wish I could just turn it off, but it is inexorably part of me.
> 
> I would say that you shouldn’t let your fetish get in the way of your relationship, which makes sense intellectually, but if you’re like me, that’s why this is so frustrating. You can’t ignore it.
> 
> ...


Thank you. You definitely have my same distinctions between preference/fetish and kink. I LOVE watching a man grow, but I'd rather it happen organically, not intentionally.

I don't even understand if he is deadset on losing weight! He says he wants to, but then he overindulges time and time again.

Uggghh, does he really not understand how much I love his belly and him eating a lot? Does he really not think that a change in that respect would be significant for me?

I definitely really like him, so I wouldn't want to break up with him over this. But the disappointment is a real thing for sure.


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## balthyes (Nov 28, 2022)

JackCivelli said:


> I mean, I think it just depends on how highly your preference for fat men ranks in your relationship. If you won’t be attracted to him any longer he’s not fat anymore, it might not be worth it. If you can still be attracted to him if he loses weight, you should probably stick it out if you like him that much.
> 
> Either way, honesty is a good policy, and being open with him about your preferences is probably the best course of action.


I would be attracted to him as a person, and I guess still attracted to him physically, but not ~super~ attracted to him like I am now.

Do you really think being open with him about this is the best idea? It's my problem to deal with, right? What could I reasonably expect either of us to gain from me voicing this? I really don't know.


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## JackCivelli (Nov 28, 2022)

balthyes said:


> I would be attracted to him as a person, and I guess still attracted to him physically, but not ~super~ attracted to him like I am now.
> 
> Do you really think being open with him about this is the best idea? It's my problem to deal with, right? What could I reasonably expect either of us to gain from me voicing this? I really don't know.


I personally do. Of course, it’s your relationship and you understand it’s dynamics far better than I or any third party can. But it doesn’t have to be a big confession or anything. You can even just casually drop that you’ve always liked bigger guys. I know that sometimes in this community it seems like we are extreme niche and aberrant from most of society, but someone having a preference for large people isn’t usually a big shock to anyone.


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## balthyes (Nov 28, 2022)

JackCivelli said:


> I personally do. Of course, it’s your relationship and you understand it’s dynamics far better than I or any third party can. But it doesn’t have to be a big confession or anything. You can even just casually drop that you’ve always liked bigger guys. I know that sometimes in this community it seems like we are extreme niche and aberrant from most of society, but someone having a preference for large people isn’t usually a big shock to anyone.


Oh, he knew right from the outset.

That makes things extra confusing.


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## JackCivelli (Nov 29, 2022)

Ah ok. Well that kind of makes me wonder if he’s playing some sort of game. Trying to see how you react? Especially if he’s not actually doing anything to lose weight or build muscle.


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## waldo (Nov 29, 2022)

Anomaly said:


> Yes, I can totally relate to this.
> 
> I describe my sexuality as a fetish as well. Medically, I believe it's termed a paraphilia. The analogy with hair, I absolutely like a man with nice hair, same as I like him to be dressed nicely. It's a turn-on and it's part of the initial impression someone creates. But it absolutely doesn't matter to me if a man is bald if he's fat and I like his personality. Hair fetishists no doubt exist, but they would be people who obsess over the sight and feel of their partners' hair, and sexual acts for these people would have to specifically involve hair.
> 
> ...


Ah yes the fetish versus paraphilia (in this case lipophilia) dilemma. The truth to me is that both have equally bad connotations. Fetish for boinking your step-mother versus a paraphilia for kids (pedophilia)?? Yes that one may be an extreme example but it seems classifying fat admiration as a paraphilia is no better than as a fetish. So do we (FAs) all just put a gun to our heads and be done with it!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The fact is that for the vast majority of FAs, we can have a fatty we desire and live a reasonably full life. Will that said fatty be as big as we dream of ? - could be but then you must accept many more consequences such as the person (especially a woman) may not be able to have kids and take care of those little rascals when they get to running around. Shortened life spans for USSBBW (and men) is a given. But long life nowadays means 80+ years. Living to 60+ is not the end of the world. Quality of life is a whole other issue........

I still think, that if we had the wherewithal, we should push to making fat admiration an actual sexual orientation in its own right. In other words not a fetish or a paraphilia, but just a 'thing' that is there and such a POWERFUL effect and grip on so many people's psyches.


balthyes said:


> I'm 40 actually. Also polyamorous and one of my relationships is over a decade, so I do understand the whole "unconditional love" thing.
> 
> This guy knows about my attraction. I met him on a plus-size app and was upfront about it. He has given me unfettered access to his belly and loves the attention (yay!). So yeah, he wouldn't be assuming I would want him to lose weight!
> 
> ...


The polyamorous part makes me confused about where you are actually coming from. To me polyamory is not unconditional love, but rather conditional on people being willing to accept their lover also being intimate with others. I have been intrigued by the idea in the past, but right now I would say it is just an excuse for promiscuity (aka have your cake and eat it too). Or is this just a warmed over version of old school polygamy!? Sorry but that's just how I view it.


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## Anomaly (Nov 29, 2022)

waldo said:


> Ah yes the fetish versus paraphilia (in this case lipophilia) dilemma. The truth to me is that both have equally bad connotations. Fetish for boinking your step-mother versus a paraphilia for kids (pedophilia)?? Yes that one may be an extreme example but it seems classifying fat admiration as a paraphilia is no better than as a fetish. So do we (FAs) all just put a gun to our heads and be done with it!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> The fact is that for the vast majority of FAs, we can have a fatty we desire and live a reasonably full life. Will that said fatty be as big as we dream of ? - could be but then you must accept many more consequences such as the person (especially a woman) may not be able to have kids and take care of those little rascals when they get to running around. Shortened life spans for USSBBW (and men) is a given. But long life nowadays means 80+ years. Living to 60+ is not the end of the world. Quality of life is a whole other issue........
> 
> I still think, that if we had the wherewithal, we should push to making fat admiration an actual sexual orientation in its own right. In other words not a fetish or a paraphilia, but just a 'thing' that is there and such a POWERFUL effect and grip on so many people's psyches.
> ...


The way I understood it, 'paraphilia' is just the medical term for a fetish? :-/

I have no idea about the step-mother. I'm not sure that would be classed as a fetish or how it would work. But paedophiles and necrophiles, bestialists etc. probably could be described as fetishists, but the difference between these and and someone who has a fat fetish or a hair fetish is that their fetishes cannot ever be legally or morally acted upon. Living with this thing (whatever we want to call it) has given me a degree of compassion for people in this sort of situation (and by that I don't include people with these fixations who give in to them and harm children and animals) in that I'm convinced people have no choice in their sexualities/fetishes, and they ought to be entitled to therapy to make sure they don't turn into abusers and to help them come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to fulfil that part of themselves.

Many fetishes aren't illegal, but create hardship in people's lives because they're very difficult or even impossible to fulfil. Fat men of the sort I'm attracted to (I mean fat everywhere, and not just someone with a hard 'beer belly' made from abdominal fat who is average-size elsewhere) are rare where I live For some people, it is more of a preference in a spectrum of sexuality as posts by others here show, but for others they're stuck with an inability to be sexually aroused other than by this one thing.

I absolutely agree with the long life comment. Having watched a couple of relatives deteriorate in old age, I wouldn't want it for myself or anyone I love. And there's an interesting double standard in society's attitude to women being fat and women having children. Not all women are even interested in being mothers and pregnancy can cause serious complications, long-term medical issues, and even death, in a way that's comparable to how being fat can, so why are so many people's attitudes to a woman's personal choice of being fat and the choice of having a child so polarised?

Polyamory I think is a trendy modern word for something that's discreetly been around forever. I probably wouldn't use it myself and would call it having a paramour or 'a bit on the side'. If you've been in a relationship a long time, the sexual element and having fun just being with the other person can wear off, but that doesn't diminish the companionship and stability you both get from it. If you meet someone else you enjoy in that way, seeing the person on the side can be a valid alternative to breaking up your existing relationship. If everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, then it's not hurting anyone else.


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## JackCivelli (Nov 29, 2022)

Anomaly said:


> The way I understood it, 'paraphilia' is just the medical term for a fetish? :-/
> 
> I have no idea about the step-mother. I'm not sure that would be classed as a fetish or how it would work. But paedophiles and necrophiles, bestialists etc. probably could be described as fetishists, but the difference between these and and someone who has a fat fetish or a hair fetish is that their fetishes cannot ever be legally or morally acted upon. Living with this thing (whatever we want to call it) has given me a degree of compassion for people in this sort of situation (and by that I don't include people with these fixations who give in to them and harm children and animals) in that I'm convinced people have no choice in their sexualities/fetishes, and they ought to be entitled to therapy to make sure they don't turn into abusers and to help them come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to fulfil that part of themselves.
> 
> ...


I think people get too hung up on terminology. Yes, to some people, the words “fetish”, “kink”, and “paraphilia” all have negative connotations. And just calling it a “preference” isn’t really accurate, since that would make it akin to preferring a partner with a certain eye or hair color, and feedism (and adjacent interests) are usually associated much more intrinsically to our desires than that.
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what we call it within our own community. Trying to explain it to outsiders is a different story. Although I think most people understand that having a paraphilia doesn’t usually involve something as extreme or morally reprehensible as pedophilia, necrophilia, or zoophilia. I think fetish is a reasonable enough blanket term for PR reasons, since all a fetish means is a fixation. There are fishes that have no sexual implications at all, which also includes asexual members of our community. “Kink” and “paraphilia” both are necessarily sexual in nature. So if you consider it important to put a name to it, “fetish” is probably the best, most inclusive, blanket term. 

However, as you pointed out, this community is incredibly diverse. Aside from the fact that some (probably most) consider this a sexual orientation, others do not associate it with sex at all, but within those two categories there are so many variables. Most are interested in fatness, but some are really more interested in stuffing, bloating, inflation, blueberry, breeding/pregnancy (both traditional and mpreg), and a host of other niches. Some enjoy static fatness, and others are interested in feeding or gaining. And within that category, there are multiple variations of feeder/feedee configurations, plus mutual feeders/gainers.

Some like fatness for purely aesthetic and/or tactile reasons. They find a fat partner sexy and fun to touch and squeeze and cuddle. Others like it because they enjoy the idea of losing control, or taking control in some cases. For some it is a form of rebellion, having been shamed or forced to stay in shape by someone in their past, including themselves. To some, it’s the ultimate form of freedom and acceptance, having a partner they know will love them no matter how much they let themselves go. 

There are people who like the idea of gaining to immobility. Others are out off by that idea. There are death feedists on the extreme end of the spectrum. There are some who like the idea of their weight or eating habits being a spectacle, and others who consider it one of the most private parts of who they are.

For many it’s purely fantasy, only wanting to role play, or read stories, or look at and chat with sexy fatties. For others it’s not enough if they aren’t actually engaging in some form of practice, either Ali e or with a partner.

It’s often attached to a separate kink, such as BDSM, DDLG, furries, or any number of outside interests.

When you consider all that, it becomes extremely difficult to find a single word that accurately represents the whole
of the community.


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## loopytheone (Nov 29, 2022)

Beautifully said Jack. 




For clarification on the polyamory thing, it is when a person has multiple partners. Each partner and each relationship is as important and valid as the others. It's no more conditional than monogamous love, and it's nothing like having an open relationship or 'a bit on the side'. 

Whether or not you understand the intricacies of polyamory, I would like to point out that we are a site that accepts people of different sexualities and don't accept discrimination towards people just for doing things a non-standard way. Just bare that in mind, guys.


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## waldo (Nov 30, 2022)

Anomaly said:


> The way I understood it, 'paraphilia' is just the medical term for a fetish? :-/
> 
> I have no idea about the step-mother. I'm not sure that would be classed as a fetish or how it would work. But paedophiles and necrophiles, bestialists etc. probably could be described as fetishists, but the difference between these and and someone who has a fat fetish or a hair fetish is that their fetishes cannot ever be legally or morally acted upon. Living with this thing (whatever we want to call it) has given me a degree of compassion for people in this sort of situation (and by that I don't include people with these fixations who give in to them and harm children and animals) in that I'm convinced people have no choice in their sexualities/fetishes, and they ought to be entitled to therapy to make sure they don't turn into abusers and to help them come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to fulfil that part of themselves.
> 
> ...


Thanks for a very nice reply! I had worried I was going to get totally roasted over that post. The current Dimensions crowd really is a decent lot! The 'thing for the step mother' may not be so much a fetish as a 'fantasy'. I don't know but I do know it is showing up a LOT in porn (including in the SSBBW category).

As for women choosing to have a child versus being fat, it does not compute for me. While some people actively seek to and in most cases succeed in becoming fat, the vast majority were fat, involuntarily, to begin with. Some of that group might choose to embrace it and intentionally get fatter. That is usually what we see in a place like Dimensions - fatties embracing it and getting fatter. BUT I do not agree you can equate that with the choice whether or not to have a child. Having a child is what most people are intrinsically programmed to do. It is what makes the human species continue, like any other. So it is important, and some people nowadays seem to be too cavalier about it; in my old school opinion. I will tell you one thing: I had one of those epic 'Wal-mart sitings' this past Saturday. There she was the approximately 25-30 year old SSBBW (probably about 400 lb) pushing the shopping cart with 2 small kids in the cart and a guy by her side. Well that just makes me smile inside to see fat people out there living a 'normal' life like the skinnies. Well, he was skinny.

I agree that polyamory seems like just new-speak for 'having someone on the side'. For those who want to do it - yeah have at it if all adults are consenting. BUT what if there are minor children involved??????


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## waldo (Nov 30, 2022)

JackCivelli said:


> I think people get too hung up on terminology. Yes, to some people, the words “fetish”, “kink”, and “paraphilia” all have negative connotations. And just calling it a “preference” isn’t really accurate, since that would make it akin to preferring a partner with a certain eye or hair color, and feedism (and adjacent interests) are usually associated much more intrinsically to our desires than that.
> Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what we call it within our own community. Trying to explain it to outsiders is a different story. Although I think most people understand that having a paraphilia doesn’t usually involve something as extreme or morally reprehensible as pedophilia, necrophilia, or zoophilia. I think fetish is a reasonable enough blanket term for PR reasons, since all a fetish means is a fixation. There are fishes that have no sexual implications at all, which also includes asexual members of our community. “Kink” and “paraphilia” both are necessarily sexual in nature. So if you consider it important to put a name to it, “fetish” is probably the best, most inclusive, blanket term.
> 
> However, as you pointed out, this community is incredibly diverse. Aside from the fact that some (probably most) consider this a sexual orientation, others do not associate it with sex at all, but within those two categories there are so many variables. Most are interested in fatness, but some are really more interested in stuffing, bloating, inflation, blueberry, breeding/pregnancy (both traditional and mpreg), and a host of other niches. Some enjoy static fatness, and others are interested in feeding or gaining. And within that category, there are multiple variations of feeder/feedee configurations, plus mutual feeders/gainers.
> ...


You make some good points. But this statement: "Aside from the fact that some (probably most) consider this a sexual orientation, others do not associate it with sex at all" does not compute for me. Are you trying to say there are fat admirers who are fat admirers not because it makes their juices flow but just for some sexuality-unrelated 'esthetic reason/preference'? Seriously? LOL!!!!
And those who only dip into the fat fantasy world and run a 'straight' life in public - you do realize we call those closet FAs !? Right !?


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## waldo (Nov 30, 2022)

loopytheone said:


> Beautifully said Jack.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well as I already posted, I disagree with the premise of polyamory. On the other hand I have little first hand knowledge of this concept. If consenting adults want to do certain things, well that is up to them, BUT we all need to remember to never think for one second that our choices in life do not have consequences including and especially those we had not even considered going in. That does not mean sit on your thumbs for fear of making a mistake, just be thoughtful and responsible........


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## JackCivelli (Nov 30, 2022)

waldo said:


> You make some good points. But this statement: "Aside from the fact that some (probably most) consider this a sexual orientation, others do not associate it with sex at all" does not compute for me. Are you trying to say there are fat admirers who are fat admirers not because it makes their juices flow but just for some sexuality-unrelated 'esthetic reason/preference'? Seriously? LOL!!!!
> And those who only dip into the fat fantasy world and run a 'straight' life in public - you do realize we call those closet FAs !? Right !?


Yes, that’s right. Asexual people (you may have heard them referred to as aces) don’t have a desire for sexual contact, and some are incapable of sexual arousal. But many still desire romantic relationships for emotional reasons. Aces are not absent from the feedism/FA community. I’m not an ace, and I won’t pretend to understand this, but I respect their orientation. I was friends with an ace who was also a feeder over on Feabie. She was not the only one of her kind. Feabie even allows members to set their orientation to asexual if they choose to put that on their profile.


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## loopytheone (Nov 30, 2022)

Mythical asexual FA here. 

It varies depending on person. But yes, I find fat people/associated kinks hot. No, I don't have any desire to sleep with anyone of any gender, size, shape etc. I've never looked at a person and thought that I want to touch their junk. Or have them touch mine. Before anyone asks, no, no sexual trauma in the past or anything like that. Just never been interested in such things. My partner is also an asexual FA. Much grabbing of bellies and engaging in kinks like stuckage, but no interest in sleeping with each other. 

There's been a handful of asexual FAs I've met over the years, both of here and other websites. 

You don't have to understand it, but you do have to respect it as a sexual orientation. Fair warning here, anybody trying to say asexual people are sick/wrong/confused etc will not be tolerated. Dims has always been a place that is accepting of members of the LGBT community. 

With that said, I feel like asexual people and their interactions aren't really the point/focus of this thread.


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## Metallicalover99 (Dec 1, 2022)

I've had similar thoughts. My ex-boyfriend thought my preferences were funny (like he laughed at me lol) and didn't really believe me until after a year of being together (he would barely let me touch him due to insecurities). I also struggle with finding people who are ok with their weight while not being deep into a gaining fetish (I am not into that at all). My friend is a muscular man and when we first met he was flirting with me. I remember thinking that it would be so easy to flirt with him. If I had complimented his muscles, I wouldn't have had a weird reaction. It's harder with bigger people (especially men) because you can't just say you like their ass or their belly lol. I've had men think I was catfishing them or making fun of them for flirting with them because they are bigger. Big men are so beautiful though, I truly don't hate having this preference, even though at times I have wished that it was easier to flirt. Enjoy the ride with this guy! Dating is exciting, it doesn't have to be forever. It could be that even if he does lose some weight, you will still be attracted to so many other aspects about him. My ex-boyfriend went through a period of weight loss and I still thought he was attracted (even though I missed his belly); his still smelled the same, had his beautiful eyes, and his wonderful personality (and other thing that starts with a p! sorry lol)


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## waldo (Dec 1, 2022)

JackCivelli said:


> Yes, that’s right. Asexual people (you may have heard them referred to as aces) don’t have a desire for sexual contact, and some are incapable of sexual arousal. But many still desire romantic relationships for emotional reasons. Aces are not absent from the feedism/FA community. I’m not an ace, and I won’t pretend to understand this, but I respect their orientation. I was friends with an ace who was also a feeder over on Feabie. She was not the only one of her kind. Feabie even allows members to set their orientation to asexual if they choose to put that on their profile.


Never seen that term 'aces' before. I guess it makes sense since if what you want is someone to be intimate/cuddle with but not have sex, a soft fat person would be ideal in some ways.


loopytheone said:


> Mythical asexual FA here.
> 
> It varies depending on person. But yes, I find fat people/associated kinks hot. No, I don't have any desire to sleep with anyone of any gender, size, shape etc. I've never looked at a person and thought that I want to touch their junk. Or have them touch mine. Before anyone asks, no, no sexual trauma in the past or anything like that. Just never been interested in such things. My partner is also an asexual FA. Much grabbing of bellies and engaging in kinks like stuckage, but no interest in sleeping with each other.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing! I guess I live in a pretty fragile glass house, so who am I to judge. The money line is this: "You don't have to understand it, but you do have to respect it as a sexual orientation." Same goes for fat admiration. I think this is not an excuse for me being judgemental, but in the past, especially on this site, hetero cis male FAs have been chided for expressing reservations about coming out to friends, family, significant other, etc. about our inclination. We are told, oh it is just a preference like desiring a particular hair color or some such. No big deal; just man up and it will all be fine. Maybe I have been operating under that mentality and considering myself 'normal' even though I am anything but by society's standards. The vast majority of people would think me a freak if they knew my dream girl is 600+ pounds.

So back to the original post: yes sometimes this fetish/orientation really sucks, and I wish I didn't have it. But there is no wishing something like this away.


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## Anomaly (Dec 1, 2022)

Metallicalover99 said:


> It's harder with bigger people (especially men) because you can't just say you like their ass or their belly lol. I've had men think I was catfishing them or making fun of them for flirting with them because they are bigger.


Oh, hell, this. Like when a man tells you he enjoys cooking, and the obvious flirt response is 'you look like you are bloody good at it as well.'

Asexuality and a lot of the labels people are using now are getting confusing. When I was young, an asexual person was a person who was not gay, straight, or bisexual, i.e. a person who didn't experience sexual attraction to other people, essentially went through puberty and came out the other side with that light bulb never coming on. Nowadays it seems to be used to mean all sorts of things and even sometimes seems to be applied to gay men who don't enjoy anal sex and heterosexual people who don't like vaginal sex. How people choose to consensually be sexual together has always been personal and unique to them. :-S


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## loopytheone (Dec 1, 2022)

Anomaly said:


> Oh, hell, this. Like when a man tells you he enjoys cooking, and the obvious flirt response is 'you look like you are bloody good at it as well.'
> 
> Asexuality and a lot of the labels people are using now are getting confusing. When I was young, an asexual person was a person who was not gay, straight, or bisexual, i.e. a person who didn't experience sexual attraction to other people, essentially went through puberty and came out the other side with that light bulb never coming on. Nowadays it seems to be used to mean all sorts of things and even sometimes seems to be applied to gay men who don't enjoy anal sex and heterosexual people who don't like vaginal sex. How people choose to consensually be sexual together has always been personal and unique to them. :-S



Asexual = no sexual attraction to other people. Grey asexual = limited sexual attraction to other people. 

I've never seen it be used to mean anything other than that. Bear in mind that you can't tell how other people feel and what they are or aren't attracted to. 

It sounds like you are describing what we would call an aromantic asexual person, as in, a person that isn't romantically or sexually attracted to anyone. You also get hetero/homo/bi/pan/etc romantic asexual people, who are romantically attracted to other people but not sexually. I'm a panromantic asexual; I'd be willing to date people of any gender and be in relationships with them, but I'm not interested in sleeping with anyone. For a lot of people romantic and sexual attraction are all rolled up into one thing, but for asexual people they are often different. 

Anyway, I will stop derailing the thread here; if anyone has any questions about what being asexual means, you are welcome to PM me. Thank you for being respectful, everyone. Back on topic now though please! =)


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## balthyes (Dec 2, 2022)

I


Anomaly said:


> The way I understood it, 'paraphilia' is just the medical term for a fetish? :-/
> 
> I have no idea about the step-mother. I'm not sure that would be classed as a fetish or how it would work. But paedophiles and necrophiles, bestialists etc. probably could be described as fetishists, but the difference between these and and someone who has a fat fetish or a hair fetish is that their fetishes cannot ever be legally or morally acted upon. Living with this thing (whatever we want to call it) has given me a degree of compassion for people in this sort of situation (and by that I don't include people with these fixations who give in to them and harm children and animals) in that I'm convinced people have no choice in their sexualities/fetishes, and they ought to be entitled to therapy to make sure they don't turn into abusers and to help them come to terms with the fact that they will never be able to fulfil that part of themselves.
> 
> ...


I came to polyamory without any partners at all. It's not about diminishing sexual attraction/activities or people "on the side".


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## balthyes (Dec 2, 2022)

waldo said:


> Ah yes the fetish versus paraphilia (in this case lipophilia) dilemma. The truth to me is that both have equally bad connotations. Fetish for boinking your step-mother versus a paraphilia for kids (pedophilia)?? Yes that one may be an extreme example but it seems classifying fat admiration as a paraphilia is no better than as a fetish. So do we (FAs) all just put a gun to our heads and be done with it!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> The fact is that for the vast majority of FAs, we can have a fatty we desire and live a reasonably full life. Will that said fatty be as big as we dream of ? - could be but then you must accept many more consequences such as the person (especially a woman) may not be able to have kids and take care of those little rascals when they get to running around. Shortened life spans for USSBBW (and men) is a given. But long life nowadays means 80+ years. Living to 60+ is not the end of the world. Quality of life is a whole other issue........
> 
> I still think, that if we had the wherewithal, we should push to making fat admiration an actual sexual orientation in its own right. In other words not a fetish or a paraphilia, but just a 'thing' that is there and such a POWERFUL effect and grip on so many people's psyches.
> ...


And monogamy is conditional on so many things too? That's silly.

"their partner": polyamory is not just about a primary dyad.

"promiscuity": There are asexual polyamorists. You have a fundamental misunderstanding about what polyamory is


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## balthyes (Dec 2, 2022)

waldo said:


> Thanks for a very nice reply! I had worried I was going to get totally roasted over that post. The current Dimensions crowd really is a decent lot! The 'thing for the step mother' may not be so much a fetish as a 'fantasy'. I don't know but I do know it is showing up a LOT in porn (including in the SSBBW category).
> 
> As for women choosing to have a child versus being fat, it does not compute for me. While some people actively seek to and in most cases succeed in becoming fat, the vast majority were fat, involuntarily, to begin with. Some of that group might choose to embrace it and intentionally get fatter. That is usually what we see in a place like Dimensions - fatties embracing it and getting fatter. BUT I do not agree you can equate that with the choice whether or not to have a child. Having a child is what most people are intrinsically programmed to do. It is what makes the human species continue, like any other. So it is important, and some people nowadays seem to be too cavalier about it; in my old school opinion. I will tell you one thing: I had one of those epic 'Wal-mart sitings' this past Saturday. There she was the approximately 25-30 year old SSBBW (probably about 400 lb) pushing the shopping cart with 2 small kids in the cart and a guy by her side. Well that just makes me smile inside to see fat people out there living a 'normal' life like the skinnies. Well, he was skinny.
> 
> I agree that polyamory seems like just new-speak for 'having someone on the side'. For those who want to do it - yeah have at it if all adults are consenting. BUT what if there are minor children involved??????


It's not about "having someone on the side". Not all polyamorous people are couples that open up. 

And what if there are children? It takes a village...


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## balthyes (Dec 2, 2022)

Metallicalover99 said:


> I've had similar thoughts. My ex-boyfriend thought my preferences were funny (like he laughed at me lol) and didn't really believe me until after a year of being together (he would barely let me touch him due to insecurities). I also struggle with finding people who are ok with their weight while not being deep into a gaining fetish (I am not into that at all). My friend is a muscular man and when we first met he was flirting with me. I remember thinking that it would be so easy to flirt with him. If I had complimented his muscles, I wouldn't have had a weird reaction. It's harder with bigger people (especially men) because you can't just say you like their ass or their belly lol. I've had men think I was catfishing them or making fun of them for flirting with them because they are bigger. Big men are so beautiful though, I truly don't hate having this preference, even though at times I have wished that it was easier to flirt. Enjoy the ride with this guy! Dating is exciting, it doesn't have to be forever. It could be that even if he does lose some weight, you will still be attracted to so many other aspects about him. My ex-boyfriend went through a period of weight loss and I still thought he was attracted (even though I missed his belly); his still smelled the same, had his beautiful eyes, and his wonderful personality (and other thing that starts with a p! sorry lol)


Thank you! That is what I need to remember. I am getting ahead of myself with what could be.


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## balthyes (Dec 2, 2022)

waldo said:


> Well as I already posted, I disagree with the premise of polyamory. On the other hand I have little first hand knowledge of this concept. If consenting adults want to do certain things, well that is up to them, BUT we all need to remember to never think for one second that our choices in life do not have consequences including and especially those we had not even considered going in. That does not mean sit on your thumbs for fear of making a mistake, just be thoughtful and responsible.....





loopytheone said:


> Beautifully said Jack.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for your support!

FYI, polyamory is not generally considered a sexuality. That can be quite contentious! Many will say it is a "relationship orientation" though (which for some is only a choice of relationship agreement, for others an intrinsic identity, for others a bit of both).


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## waldo (Dec 3, 2022)

balthyes said:


> It's not about "having someone on the side". Not all polyamorous people are couples that open up.
> 
> And what if there are children? It takes a village...


IMHO, your responses to being challenged on the polyamory issue are all perfectly reasonable (and well measured). I would say that I don't want to (shouldn't) derail this thread further by continuing to beat that particular horse. But, since you are the original poster, and that is obviously an important part of your makeup, I guess it should be appropriate. My cynical side would figure that you have an advantage, since if one of your lovers changes in a way that makes you less attracted to him/her/them, at least you have the other(s). I know, that is a crude assessment but is the obvious one. As I said in my earlier post, I have been previously intrigued with the polyamory concept. My issue is that: human nature being what it is: I suspect it will not work for 95+ % of the people; at least in the way it is ideally intended. Jealousy, envy, possessiveness, pride, and a whole lot of other human reactions/emotions would seem to sink it for the majority of us. As far as kids: I guess things are developing in a way that society would be more accepting of little Johnny having one Dad and two Moms or some such. The reality is that polygamy (forerunner of polyamory) is an age old practice and can theoretically be done in a way that is beneficial to all those involved. The issues that can derail it are just too numerous for most of us to overcome. If you and your romantic partners are able to make it work; then my hat is off to you all. You are better people than me! Or something like that......

As for the original issue: I went back and saw that you mentioned the man in questiuon had previously lost a lot of weight some years ago. Then I also saw you posted that you are 40 years old, so I suspect he is about the same or older. As a 53 year old with a major middle-age spread, I would say he may very well find losing weight to be much harder this time than when he was younger. One piece of good advice that I was once given: wait it out - even if the person loses weight, chances are they rebound and gain it back anyways. Again, I realize this is crude, but the odds are in your favor...................


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## balthyes (Dec 3, 2022)

waldo said:


> IMHO, your responses to being challenged on the polyamory issue are all perfectly reasonable (and well measured). I would say that I don't want to (shouldn't) derail this thread further by continuing to beat that particular horse. But, since you are the original poster, and that is obviously an important part of your makeup, I guess it should be appropriate. My cynical side would figure that you have an advantage, since if one of your lovers changes in a way that makes you less attracted to him/her/them, at least you have the other(s). I know, that is a crude assessment but is the obvious one. As I said in my earlier post, I have been previously intrigued with the polyamory concept. My issue is that: human nature being what it is: I suspect it will not work for 95+ % of the people; at least in the way it is ideally intended. Jealousy, envy, possessiveness, pride, and a whole lot of other human reactions/emotions would seem to sink it for the majority of us. As far as kids: I guess things are developing in a way that society would be more accepting of little Johnny having one Dad and two Moms or some such. The reality is that polygamy (forerunner of polyamory) is an age old practice and can theoretically be done in a way that is beneficial to all those involved. The issues that can derail it are just too numerous for most of us to overcome. If you and your romantic partners are able to make it work; then my hat is off to you all. You are better people than me! Or something like that......
> 
> As for the original issue: I went back and saw that you mentioned the man in questiuon had previously lost a lot of weight some years ago. Then I also saw you posted that you are 40 years old, so I suspect he is about the same or older. As a 53 year old with a major middle-age spread, I would say he may very well find losing weight to be much harder this time than when he was younger. One piece of good advice that I was once given: wait it out - even if the person loses weight, chances are they rebound and gain it back anyways. Again, I realize this is crude, but the odds are in your favor...................


"if one of your lovers changes in a way that makes you less attracted to him/her/them, at least you have the other(s). I know, that is a crude assessment but is the obvious one"

It's absolutely not an obvious assessment. I have genuine feelings and connections for individuals and our individual relationships. I posted elsewhere that losing a child isn't okay as long as you have other children. Only someone who needs to be a parent but has no feelings would say that. Losing a friend isn't okay if you have other friends. Only a person who needs people to do activities with but has no feelings would say that. I don't just need to be or have a partner, any old partner. I love each partner and relationship.

Edit: I realised you're talking about attraction and not actual loss of a relationship. I *suppose* I can compartmentalise sex and attraction in that way, but those are still part of each individual relationship.

Polyamory may "sink it for the majority of us". That's okay. I'm not someone who believes polyamory is inherently better, for individuals or society, than monogamy. Some things work for some people, other things work for other people.

Monogamous relationships "fail" all the time too. But it's important to consider what success or failure in relationships means. One metric people seem to like is longevity. I (personally) never had a monogamous relationship last more than 2.5 years. But since being poly, I have a relationship of 13 years and a relationship of 4.5 years. Another metric is happiness. We're all happy in our relationships. There's no abuse or toxicity or even any jealousy.

I can't comment on kids as none of us have them. But with intentional prioritisation of the kids' needs, multiple caring adults in their lives can be a good thing, not much different from them having grandparents and aunts and uncles and step-parents. Many poly parents are extremely cautious of bringing new partners into their children's lives, just as many single parents are.

"wait it out - even if the person loses weight, chances are they rebound and gain it back anyways. Again, I realize this is crude, but the odds are in your favor....."

This does show that I'm catastrophising about something that hasn't even happened yet, so thanks. It is horribly crude, though, like you say, so I would still like to work through this and figure out how I can stop fixating on one aspect of what is an incredible person and relationship.


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## Anomaly (Dec 3, 2022)

loopytheone said:


> Asexual = no sexual attraction to other people. Grey asexual = limited sexual attraction to other people.
> 
> I've never seen it be used to mean anything other than that. Bear in mind that you can't tell how other people feel and what they are or aren't attracted to.
> 
> ...


I think this is still part of the topic as the OP was about fetishes, and this comes back to sexuality and fetishes generally.

I'm going to try to explain why the terminology confuses me. This is because I'm an old fart, and should not in any way be seen as a judgement on how you or anyone else should describe yourself if you feel comfortable that way. 

What actually is sex and sexual attraction and sleeping with? How can it be defined? Because when I try to understand it, it gets bogged down on this one point. People I know who are into BDSM do things with their partners that some people would probably not call sex, but the people themselves would not agree with that. In parts of history, men were persecuted for having anal sex with other men, while lesbians were often somewhat ignored because of the wrong belief that anything they do together can't count as sex.

For me, sexuality is intrinsically tied up with fat. My ideal relationship is with someone who is fat and enjoys having his fat played with. I just can't get enough of how it feels and looks. If he wants to do things in addition to that, it would be for us to talk through and agree on, but for me that would be secondary. My sexuality is not compatible with someone who hates being fat or merely tolerates it.

As for the definition of fetish as _being attracted to an object or any body part other than the sexual organs_, vanilla people are attracted to sexual organs?! Really? I mean, it's just a willy! I don't care if it's really small or even if he doesn't have one.

If I look at someone, and feel physically attracted to that person in any way, for me that is sexual attraction. How two people decide to consensually explore that attraction is personal to them.  I think it would be hugely beneficial to everyone if the stereotypes surrounding sex went away. Like it's generally accepted that people don't enter into a heterosexual relationship expecting to be able to do pegging, but they also shouldn't go into it expecting to have vaginal sex just because that's considered 'normal'. It's between you and your partner to decide.

'Romantic' is potentially confusing as well. I assume it means spending time enjoying your partner's company, which again is going to be something unique to every relationship. But it could easily be misunderstood as the cultural stereotype of Valentines day and liking flowers etc., which was what people used to mean when they said 'I'm not romantic'. 



balthyes said:


> I
> 
> I came to polyamory without any partners at all. It's not about diminishing sexual attraction/activities or people "on the side".


Would people in the situation I described still use that descriptor today? It was meant to be an example of a situation an older person might relate to rather than a blanket statement.  The first I heard the term was when I told someone I wanted a paramour and was told that's what I was! Now I'm even more confused lol.


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## loopytheone (Dec 3, 2022)

Anomaly said:


> What actually is sex and sexual attraction and sleeping with? How can it be defined? Because when I try to understand it, it gets bogged down on this one point. People I know who are into BDSM do things with their partners that some people would probably not call sex, but the people themselves would not agree with that. In parts of history, men were persecuted for having anal sex with other men, while lesbians were often somewhat ignored because of the wrong belief that anything they do together can't count as sex.



Trust me, asexual people have spent a lot of time puzzling over lots of the things you ask about, hah. Typically, sex is defined as two or more people interacting with each others genitals. Sexual attraction is a desire to interact with another person's genitals, or to have them interact with yours. 



Anomaly said:


> As for the definition of fetish as _being attracted to an object or any body part other than the sexual organs_, vanilla people are attracted to sexual organs?! Really? I mean, it's just a willy! I don't care if it's really small or even if he doesn't have one.



That is definitely unusual. Yes, most non-asexual people are attracted to other people's genitals. They find them hot, want to touch them, or want the other person to touch theirs as being the 'main' part of sex. 



Anomaly said:


> 'Romantic' is potentially confusing as well. I assume it means spending time enjoying your partner's company, which again is going to be something unique to every relationship. But it could easily be misunderstood as the cultural stereotype of Valentines day and liking flowers etc., which was what people used to mean when they said 'I'm not romantic'.



Romantic is probably best described as a type of love, rather than anything else. The way you feel about a partner that makes you want to say "I love you" and have a long term relationship with them and hold them etc etc. It's definitely a vague term, but it mostly means "want to have a typical relationship with, minus the sex part". 



Honestly, if people want to have a real discussion like this about what various LGBT terms and such mean nowdays, I'm soooo happy to oblige, it's my community as much as Dims is my community. That said, OP, if you feel we are derailing and you want me to start a new thread about it, then I absolutely will.


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## Anomaly (Dec 7, 2022)

loopytheone said:


> Trust me, asexual people have spent a lot of time puzzling over lots of the things you ask about, hah. Typically, sex is defined as two or more people interacting with each others genitals. Sexual attraction is a desire to interact with another person's genitals, or to have them interact with yours.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's quite interesting how things change in this respect. Seventeen odd years ago, I was looking at asexual fora online because I knew a couple of people who were asexual (or probably aromantic to use the modern term) and just wanted to understand more about their experiences and viewpoints. One of them unfortunately from my perspective was a fat man who I thought was absolutely gorgeous. One of the things that was commonly discussed was whether object fetishists should be considered asexual, as they weren't attracted to people, and at the time there was a lot of disagreement among asexual people as to whether they were or not. 

Back to fetishes, probably the stereotype of a fetishist is a male who masturbates over something like a shoe. But I think even object fetishists are quite variable in how they express themselves. The fetish is a physical attraction and may not involve masturbation, but does always involve touching and physically experiencing the object. Being in love with a person is neurologically indistinguishable to addiction, so I'd guess object fetishists are addicted to their objects. Some people I guess in modern parlance would be called romantic object fetishists -- they are physically attracted to an object, but want the emotional connection to a partner, and so you get people who want a partner who is willing to wear something like rubber or leather during an activity the partner gets to choose, so both of them are satisfied.

I see a fat fetish and other body fetishes as a double bind. You can't experience it solo unless you yourself are fat, and you can't expect a partner to accommodate it as the object fetishists do as something your partner can don and doff. :-( Finding a partner who is fat and comfortable with it and their partner liking it can prove to be extremely difficult and prospects don't improve with age, and it creates further problems if your partner loses weight leaving you still loving his personality but no longer physically attracted or able to express yourself sexually any more.

I'm still not really convinced most people are attracted to genitalia, and that if they are, it makes them any better than fetishists lol! People's bits are just part and parcel of the person whose body and personality are attractive, and you touch them because your partner wants you to and the idea of giving someone you feel about in that way an orgasm (and watching them have it) is exciting lol. Unless people are very fastidious they tend to smell there. There's also a sort of assumed wisdom that for heterosexual people, vaginal sex, or for gay men, anal sex, are fantastic and the ultimate way of expressing yourself sexually with your partner, and a lot of young people were really quite anxious to experience it for that reason rather than an innate urge to do that particular activity. When it didn't meet expectations, people often continued doing it and pretended to enjoy it for fear of upsetting their partners, or if you were very open with your partner and mature you might have talked about it and decided to try other things.


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