# an FFA's confession



## ntwp (Jan 5, 2008)

When I met my fiance I considered myself a female fat admirer. Maybe I still do. I flirted with him because I thought his 415 lb. body was perfect. Huge soft belly, arms, thighs (oh, you could totally tell under his slacks)-- and a handsome face to boot. I've never exactly told him why I struck up a conversation that day we met. He now knows I think he is sexy and that I "like the chub" (my pinches, belly rubs, etc were a dead giveaway and he called me on it not long into the relationship). However, he doesn't know the true extent of my preference (i.e. things he hates such as his stretch marks and the idea of him gaining a little weight are things that really turn me on, just to name a couple.) 

After three wonderful years with him I am madly in love way beyond just the physical attraction. He's perfect in every way- treats me wonderfully, has a wicked sense of humor, a great career in business, etc. The more I am in love with him the more I know that despite my acceptance and even preference for his size he probably should lose the weight he wants to lose. I have actually verbally encouraged him to pursue losing weight because he's expressed a desire to and I want to see him happy, healthy and enjoying life as much as he wants to. He's even lost and kept off 45 lbs. since we met (I'm now 26 and he's 29 btw) and while I praise him for his hard work and the health benefits, I'm careful to never congratulate him for being smaller because I think that would send a mixed/wrong message.

I must confess the intense sexual attraction I have for his body is something I feel guilty about at times because I know how much he hates being fat and "unhealthy." I know "fat" doesn't always mean "unhealthy" but he does have some minor problems and with our future plan of having kids he desperately wants to be the athletic dad. Other times I just know that it's my preference and I shouldn't feel guilty about it or let society tell me that my feelings are wrong. I used to think I was into "feeding" or a guy "gaining" but honestly with how in love I am that couldn't be farther from my mind 99.9% of the time--but the feelings I have towards his big, marvelous body will never go away and I don't necessarily want them to.

He doesn't enjoy working out (though he has spurts of enthusiasm) and he is endlessly hungry. All of that combined with his confidence that I love him no matter what he looks like and I "like the chub" he seems to have stopped trying to lose weight but hasn't stopped saying he wants to. We've recently had many conversations about how he wants desperately to lose weight, and I encourage him and offer my help (I'm athletic, naturally fairly thin and love veggies and fruit so I'm not an expert but I have plenty to offer when he asks for advice). After spilling his heart to me he will go back to his place and later call to tell me about the fast food places he went to and the vast extent of what he ate. It seems to me that he has an issue with eating in secret but as we've gotten closer his guilty conscience has made him wish to tell me his secrets after the fact. I've found myself almost getting mad at him lately because I know he's only making himself feel bad when he does that. 

So the FFA in me feels pleased that he's maintaining his large size, but the part of me who is simply in love with the man of my dreams is sad to see him suffering in a skin that he does not like. This is the only part of our relationship that isn't perfect and I can't imagine that it would break us apart, but I can imagine that it will cause a lifetime of moderate stress for one or both of us. The bottom line is, my preference is not as important as his happiness. But he is the only one who can control his happiness in the end, and he's not taking care of his own happiness right now.

I apologize for that downer intro. Not necessarily looking for advice here. I just needed to tell my story and know that maybe at least one person will understand me, if anything just to know this is the only place in this big world my FFA nature will not be chastised. Thanks for reading.


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## Melian (Jan 5, 2008)

You certainly won't be chastised here. In addition to eloquently telling your story, you seem to have an impressively kind, sympathetic attitude.

I'm sure you'll notice that the "sex appeal versus health" issue appears regularly in the topics on this board, and it is something that affects most FFAs eventually. I've struggled with the same emotions in the past, while dating a heavier BHM. Now I'm dealing with a similar problem: desperately wanting a lighter BHM bf to gain, but feeling like some kind of a pusher in the process.

Anyway, welcome to the board, ntwp.


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Jan 5, 2008)

I'm sure many FFA's have this exact same opinion. At least, I do. It is difficult being attracted to something that, in some cases, can cause early death and/or discomfort to someone you love.

Being an FFA, and having a big man myself, people automatically assume that I'm only with him for his body. Or that I'd leave him if he lost weight, as if he's a "prize pig".

It is frustrating being attracted to something which causes someone you care about, pain. Wow, I don't think that sentence was grammatically correct at all. But you know what I'm talking about. 

You said it much more eloquently, but my point is that I can relate to the stress and confusion that comes with being an FFA in a reality where what is beautiful is unhealthy.


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## Laina (Jan 5, 2008)

I have to agree. I think every FFA (or at least those worth knowing) worries about their partner's health and happiness.

And I can understand your concerns--I'd be worried if someone I loved felt like he had to eat in secret and then "confess" to me later. 

Welcome aboard!


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 5, 2008)

I would have called her out publically. We FFAs should all be here to support each other, not try to poach each others men & insult both them & your relationship. Believe me I can see where somebody would be jealous, but that is as classless as it gets.




MaryElizabethAntoinette said:


> **edited quote removed**


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Jan 5, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> I would have called her out publically. We FFAs should all be here to support each other, not try to poach each others men & insult both them & your relationship. Believe me I can see where somebody would be jealous, but that is as classless as it gets.



Yeah, I'm too nice (or just shy) to call anyone out publicly. I mean, technically I did by posting what she said, but I'm not gonna mention who it is... for her own good. She knows who she is, and although she hasn't apologized to either me or Chris, I forgive her. 
Drama sucks, so although it was started by someone else, I end it by turning the other cheek.


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## Aireman (Jan 5, 2008)

Laina said:


> I have to agree. I think every FFA (or at least those worth knowing) worries about their partner's health and happiness.



I think this applys to MFA's too! I know how hard it is to support the weight loss while actually secretly wishing it was a gain.


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## Laina (Jan 5, 2008)

Aireman said:


> I think this applys to MFA's too! I know how hard it is to support the weight loss while actually secretly wishing it was a gain.



Amen. (And sorry! I didn't mean to imply the MFAs were heartless, honest!)


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## ntwp (Jan 5, 2008)

Thanks to everyone for your kind and welcome responses so far. A sort of peace has come over me now that my thoughts are out there and also to know that others know the way I feel about this particular issue.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Jan 6, 2008)

First off, welcome to the boards fellow FFA. You've found the right place for women who can understand, sympathize with and support you.

I think the important thing here is what you're DOING, not necessarily what you're thinking. You can't change that you're attracted to the idea of your fiance getting bigger or even staying at his current size. But it speaks very highly of you that you put his happiness ahead of your desires. You obviously love him and want him to be happy and are doing what you can to help, that's the important thing. 

I think all of us FFAs have at some point, in some way wrestled with some form of guilt over our attractions. But it's the individual relationships that matter and how you handle them. To me, it sounds like you have your priorities straight and you shouldn't beat yourself up over the conflict you sometimes may feel. Being supportive of the man you love and enjoying your relationship is what matters. 

Dr. P


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## rabbitislove (Jan 6, 2008)

MaryElizabethAntoinette said:


> Being an FFA, and having a big man myself, people automatically assume that I'm only with him for his body. Or that I'd leave him if he lost weight, as if he's a "prize pig".



Mary, I think you're super classy, and handled this well. You're jocking on them haters, in the words of the poet laureate [well should be *sarcasm*] Soulja Boy would say. 

Can't say this doesn't happen. Even my ex felt the need to ask if I would still stick with him if he got skinny. Man personality is overrated. Bring on the 400 pounders OMG !!!!!1111

And as for the OP, I have been in this situation. I can only recommend working out together, and finding activities you both like, so you can spend time as a couple. If he still eats large amounts of food, but makes healthier substitutes, and gets into the habit of exercising he'll maintain the weight and be the fat athletic dad. 

Sex doesn't hurt either.

As far as eating in secret, he may suffer from COE [Compulsive Overeating Disorder] and may need to see a doctor or nutritionist. I agree with Melian- you are eloquent in phrasing the problem. Have you told him what you've told us?


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## ntwp (Jan 6, 2008)

rabbitislove said:


> And as for the OP, I have been in this situation. I can only recommend working out together, and finding activities you both like, so you can spend time as a couple. If he still eats large amounts of food, but makes healthier substitutes, and gets into the habit of exercising he'll maintain the weight and be the fat athletic dad.
> Sex doesn't hurt either.
> As far as eating in secret, he may suffer from COE [Compulsive Overeating Disorder] and may need to see a doctor or nutritionist. I agree with Melian- you are eloquent in phrasing the problem. Have you told him what you've told us?



I agree a person can be fat and healthy but the way he carries his weight he would have to lose probably 60 more lbs to have less pain, and his "waddle" from his thighs puts alot of limitations on him-- the waddle is a turn on to me, but his embarassment is not. When he finds time to exercise with me I skip my normal routine to do low impact stuff that he can do too. When we make meals together we make healthy foods usually. I do believe that any food can fit into a healthy lifestyle as long as it's in moderation and he knows that. So I don't think I've pressured him to be this way because I've never tried to set any limitations on him. When we got engaged 6 months ago we talked about moving in together and ultimately he was the one who thought we should still wait. Now that I think about it maybe he is too scared to give up some of his secret eating habits or he thinks I haven't caught on yet and worries that I will be freaked out by it. Well I am a little worried, but I love him just the same. 

I'm not sure exactly what you meant by "have you told him what you've told us?" I have not told him about Dimensions or the terms FFA/BHM, and so on. I have not explicitly told him that my sexual preference is for him to _stay_ big or that I have these conflicting or guilty feelings. 

On one hand I think the positivity I've showed him has helped him lose the 45 lbs that he has so far, but on the other hand I think that his slight knowledge of my preference and his full knowledge of my support have actually made it harder for him to find the motivation to keep losing weight. He knows I wouldn't leave him for being fat or thin, and he knows I "like the chub" so maybe he thinks "Well why try to lose the weight then?" when the going gets rough. I'm not sure. I do think that the secret eating was in place before we entered the relationship. He doesn't know that I consider it to be "secret eating." When he tells me about it I may ask if anything's been making him feel stressed lately or I'll neutrally encourage him by saying "Well tomorrow is a new day" (I would never say anything to make him feel guilty about eating-- both as a loving fiancee and an FFA).

I hope I answered your questions. Sorry I can be so long-winded.


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## Laina (Jan 6, 2008)

rabbitislove said:


> Mary, I think you're super classy, and handled this well. You're jocking on them haters, in the words of the poet laureate [well should be *sarcasm*] Soulja Boy would say.
> 
> Can't say this doesn't happen. Even my ex felt the need to ask if I would still stick with him if he got skinny. Man personality is overrated. Bring on the 400 pounders OMG !!!!!1111
> 
> ...



Who needs personality? I like my men better when they don't talk at all. 

Also, great advice!


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## Molly (Jan 7, 2008)

In response to the original topic, I understand how you feel! I've been feeling worried about my husband a bit lately and I know he REALLY wants to loose some weight (though he does not try very hard) and feels ugly and fat. It is hard when your partner doesn't like their body, even if you really do. I think that above all, its best to make sure your partner knows that you are supportive of their decisions and that you love them unconditionally regardless.


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## GrowingBoy (Jan 7, 2008)

Often doctors blame weight for problems without fully understanding their cause. There may be things your boyfriend can do improve his mobility and lower the pain he is experiencing relatively quickly. This in turn may allow him to increase his activity level. 

A few years ago, I had pretty severe back/hip/knee/foot pain that made it difficult to walk. I assumed that this was due to my weight (I was up to 275 or so at that point), but it was difficult to exercise due to the pain so I kept gaining. The doctors I went to seemed confused -- one said I had a slipped disc, another said I had incurable osteo-arthritis. None seemed to be able to explain their diagnoses. 

I finally found a good physical therapist who diagnosed me with a rotated pelvis and gave me exercises that strengthen stomach muscles and help keep it correctly aligned. I also got knee strengthening and stretching exercises, some advice on supplements that help arthritis, some new shoes, and a tennis ball that helps with planar fascitis. 

Within 3 months I was able to dramatically improve my mobility, after more than 18 months in medico-confusiland. This in turn allowed me to be more active, and eventually I stopped gaining and started losing.


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## rabbitislove (Jan 7, 2008)

Laina said:


> Who needs personality? I like my men better when they don't talk at all.


Seriously. 
I like my men like my Jello. Quiet and jiggly.


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## orinoco (Jan 7, 2008)

is jello quiet?! i must be eating it wrong cos it seems pretty damn noisy to me!


(aaaarrrgggghhhhhh!! i have turned into one of those ppl over on that nasty side of the antlantic! i'm sorry mother i didn't mean to call it jello )



rabbitislove said:


> Seriously.
> I like my men like my Jello. Quiet and jiggly.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Jan 7, 2008)

I understand and agree with all that's been said here. Right now I know my guy isn't happy with the way he looks...he knows I like it. He knows about dims, and I know he lurks...damn it I think he needs to participate some.

Anyway, this spring etc, I know I'll be helping him lose some weight until he gets to where he's comfortable with himself. 

I do love him so much, and even though I prefer big guys...he is home to me. :smitten: no matter what size he ends up being comfortable with.


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## Tad (Jan 7, 2008)

Welcome to Dimensions, NTWP! Great first post, by the way.

I would say that your dilemma is pretty common to both male and female FAs. As a male FA, I've been dealing with some variation on it for many years. I don't have a perfect answer, do I have some advice. But this is just my two cents worth, based on my observations and experiences. Take with several pinches of salt, your mileage may vary, etc. Or in other words, I hope this gives you grist for your mental mill, not that you follow what I say straight up.

First, focus on healthy lifestyle first, and weight later. Not that weight can't or doesn't cause problems, but poor lifestyle (activity levels, quality of diet) probably cause more problems--and they can be present at any weight level. As you've said, the secret eating and fast food binges are pretty straight out bad stuff. At a guess, they will be very hard to outright stop, but you might have better luck at meeting him part way, and then slowly weaning him away. To that ends, I would suggest:

- maybe meals with you are TOO healthy. Maybe there is not enough fat, protein, or even sugar, to come close to satiating him. But he wants to be 'good' around you. So maybe when he is eating with you, you could include a little more hamburger or chips or whatever, along with the more strictly healthy stuff?

- along the same lines, maybe talk to him ahead of time about the fast food runs. Talk about where he might go, what he may get. If he is doing it in quasi-secret, feeling guilty and out of control, he may go overboard. Planned out ahead of time, he may moderate it.

- Could you even go with him on a fast food run sometimes, and be fun about it? Say after a healthy dinner, grab car keys and say that you want to go with him to the drive through. Admit that you get a kick out of the fact that he can down two meals like that--but then admit you worry about the amount of sodium, sugar, and general crap in the fast food. Maybe offer to make him a double dinner some day.

- Work on food substitutions. Using yogurt instead of mayonnaise, and then low fat yogurt. Instead of KFC and fries, do shake and bake chicken and oven fries at home. Instead of a bag of chips, have popcorn, and then reduce the amount of butter on the popcorn. Instead of a standard candy bar, have some high cocoa content dark chocolate, and then reduce how much of that. And so on. Again, all small by themselves, and wont have a huge impact on his weight, but it is good for his body over time.

- Find out if in particular he likes the feeling of being stuffed full. He might have all sorts of food issues, but one thing with some people is that feeling really full is a very soothing feeling. If this is the case, maybe you can plan it occasionally--but with more of the fullness coming from brown rice, broccoli, and water, and less coming from big macs, fries, and coke.

- Work with him on adding small doses of activity into his daily routine. Parking at the far side of the parking lot and walking in. Putting his dishes all away instead of just leaving them clean in the drying rack or dishwasher. Asking him to fold laundry, or iron. Going for a bit of a walk before dessert. Getting a Wii and playing Wii sports (while standing up only). If you are out to a pub, get up and use the dart board or pool table. And so on. None of that is going to make much difference in his weight, but it will improve his capacity for various other activities, making it easier to gradually add more things. Remember in all of this that at his size, just standing up and moving around is a non-negligible work out, so things that may seem a little trivial to you may not be so to him, so in turn he may not need a formal work out in order to get quite a bit of exercise each day.

- Maybe get some hand weights, which he can use at home, even when watching TV or whatever. Not the same as a perfect and balanced work out, but maybe a little encouragement from you about how youd love him to build up stronger arms and shoulders could get him to use them regularly? Probably wont cut his weight, but may turn a few pounds of fat into muscle.

- I dont know about exercising with you. Maybe it is encouragement, but then again, even when you slow down and take it easy, hell never be able to really keep up with you, nor be as good at the moves as you already are, and so on. So it might encourage him, or it might discourage him, make him feel that he is so hopeless why should be bother? Unless there are some activities that he has done, which you are not so good at. Does he swim, bowl, throw a Frisbee, or anything else? Again, even if it would not seem like a serious work out to you, moving close to four hundred pounds will take a lot more effort.

- If he is inclined to hide my body clothes (hoodies and baggy pants, etc), try to get him into some dressier clothes. Ditto on hair cut, facial hair, and so on. The compliments which is he is bound to receive should help him feel better about his body, which makes keeping to everything else easier. Likewise other taking care of himself things like flossing, regular dentist visits, trimming of nails, and even being checked for sleep apnea (does he snore, or have trouble sleeping? A lot of big folk do, but not all) and all that sort of stuff. When you take care of yourself in one way, most people find it harder to neglect themselves in others.

So Id say: spend a year or so just focusing on better lifestyle. Hopefully by the end of that he is feeling better, and feeling better about himself, to at least some fair degree. At which point he can consider weight in a more rational mind set, most likely.

I hope that this was of some help, and I wish you the best of luck with all of this sort of stuff!

Regards;

-Ed

PS. Do you have a wedding date set?


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## cammy (Jan 7, 2008)

Must be the season for our big boys to want to lose weight. My guy began a diet about a week ago and although he has started this several times in the past, he's been sticking to it. He too is uncomfortable with his current weight and feels unattractive. So, just like BLUEeyedBanshee, 

"I do love him so much, and even though I prefer big guys...he is home to me no matter what size he ends up being comfortable with."


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## ntwp (Jan 7, 2008)

edx said:


> Welcome to Dimensions, NTWP!
> - maybe meals with you are TOO healthy... So maybe when he is eating with you, you could include a little more hamburger or chips or whatever, along with the more strictly healthy stuff?
> - maybe talk to him ahead of time about the fast food runs... Maybe offer to make him a double dinner some day...
> - Work on food substitutions...


Thanks Ed, I love all of these ideas. He and I have been doing alot of food substituions but I think like alot of people who want to lose weight he was probably trying to change too quickly and limit himself too much in front of me, for whatever reason.



> - Find out if in particular he likes the feeling of being stuffed full. He might have all sorts of food issues, but one thing with some people is that feeling really full is a very soothing feeling.


The idea makes sense but how would I go about finding this out-- explicitly bringing it up or just testing out this theory in meal preparation?



> - Work with him on adding small doses of activity ...
> - I dont know about exercising with you. Maybe it is encouragement, but then again, even when you slow down and take it easy, hell never be able to really keep up with you, nor be as good at the moves as you already are, and so on. So it might encourage him, or it might discourage him, make him feel that he is so hopeless why should be bother? Unless there are some activities that he has done, which you are not so good at...


 I had never thought about it like that but the idea of it being discouraging with me makes sense and I know he did play some sports in high school so he has at least some interest in other activities that may keep him more mobile. 



> I hope that this was of some help, and I wish you the best of luck with all of this sort of stuff!
> Regards;-Ed
> PS. Do you have a wedding date set?


Thanks so much Ed! Your ideas make me feel like there's hope for both my needs and his needs to be satisfied. As an FFA I would of course prefer that he stays fat but only if he gets healthy and mobile enough to be happy ... if he feels physically better he may just realize he can still keep some chub around for me! 

I have to say that after lurking here for so long (many years) and joining several months ago and finally knowing I couldn't keep my feelings in any longer, it just feels wonderful to have the support of this community. 

And p.s. we're working on a set date-but tentatively about a year from now.


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## stefanie (Jan 8, 2008)

Hi, *ntwp*: It's possible for a lot of men to be both healthy and fat. You can do physical things together like taking walks, going to the gym, getting into a sport (bicycling, martial arts, whatever you like.) It also gives you something to do as a couple.

I'm a big believer in one's "natural" body weight, set by genetics, in cooperation what you eat, how active you are. Some people can eat nothing but health food, work out frequently, and will still be fat. Their body weight may slide around a 10-15% range, but because of their underlying constitution, they'll never be thin or "buff."

It may be that your man is naturally fat. It may be that he could lose a lot larger amount of weight. But if he *does* lose significant weight *and*keep it off for several years (which most people do not and cannot do), then perhaps that lower weight is his natural weight, the one he would be healthiest and most happy at.

If he is carrying around an icon in his head, ("I have to look like Mr. Bowflex, or a really "cut" bodybuilder," etc.), and his physical type is nowhere near that, and he doesn't like himself because of it, then it's more complicated. Just as I would have *never* played women's basketball (being short and round), some men are never going to be "cut" or "buff" or trim-waisted. (Similarly - maybe it's heresy to say it around here? some men who *want* to be super-sized just will not be able to eat themselves up to it - nature won't allow it.)

But many people, men and women, *do* have some unrealistic ideal for how they "should" look. That gets into more serious issues of body image, as opposed to just improving one's general health and letting the body weight chips fall where they will.


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## Tad (Jan 8, 2008)

Aren't you glad you finally quit lurking? (*hint, hint* to any other lurkers reading this!).

I'm glad my ideas were some help. Some more kind of random thoughts and questions here.

You mentioned he played some sports back in high school. Do you know which sports? Most guys who did any degree of sports at least picked up on how to throw a football, so that could be a good one to go and do with him--not too intense, but it does involve a certain amount of moving around, and if you have not done a lot of it, then he gets to be the better one and help you, for a change. 

Which seems like a good time for my stock lecture number three: sharing power. I have a theory that in a relationship it is not healthy if one partner has too much of the power, even if it is very informal power. You are already the thin one--hence the one that most people would view as settling for him, that more people would be interested in dating, and so on, so there is a form of power there. And you are the one who has more experience with healthy eating and exercise, and are helping him, so there again you have a form of power. I have no idea how things are in terms of income and so on, so things could be balanced overall, but on the personal interaction level, are there things where he is the expert, the helper, the leader? If not, maybe you could find some where that can happen? (no, I'm not suggesting 1950s housefrau behavior, and I recommend the same to guys).

Not saying that they are related, or that this is his issue, but sometimes over eating can partially be a way of being in control, even if it seems out of control.

Obviously you like really big guys, from what you've said. Do you also enjoy having a guy eat for you/indulge in food? (not using the phrase "feeding a guy" because of the loaded meaning of feeding around here). That is, when he does indulge his 'always hungry' feeling, do you get any degree of kick from that? Or is it a neutral thing to you? Or does it bother you? 

You asked how to know if he liked being stuffed. I'll have some suggestions, but they'll vary depending on how you answer the preceding question. The overall suggestion is that maybe you can bring it up in a broader context, rather than just bluntly asking. There are also a couple of follow ons to just knowing, again depending on how you feel.

Thinking back to activities, depending on where you live, I wonder if there are any other Dimensions folks in your area? Just thinking that maybe it would be possible to find some activities to do with other fat folk, where he would not be the only fat person trying to keep up with thin people.

You mentioned that he'd done sports in high school. I presume he was not nearly as fat back then? Do you know what his story is on how he got up to 415? That is, was it a slow steady gain, did he have a period where he gained very rapidly, did something happen that triggered weight gain? I'm just thinking that depending on this story--both what happened and how he interprets it, it may shed light on what his story on changing his life now would be.

Do you know if tends to eat more when happy and relaxed, or when stressed? (At least in the way of snacks and junk food) Or is he pretty constant? A lot of people either eat more or eat less when stressed. Understanding his reactions in that way should make it easier to predict when he'll be wanting to eat junk, and so manage it better.

Take care!

PS. Good luck with the wedding planning! Hopefully he won't get into his head that he has to lose a certain amount of weight for the wedding.


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## ntwp (Jan 8, 2008)

stefanie said:


> It may be that your man is naturally fat. It may be that he could lose a lot larger amount of weight. But if he *does* lose significant weight *and*keep it off for several years (which most people do not and cannot do), then perhaps that lower weight is his natural weight, the one he would be healthiest and most happy at.
> But many people, men and women, *do* have some unrealistic ideal for how they "should" look. That gets into more serious issues of body image, as opposed to just improving one's general health and letting the body weight chips fall where they will.



He's the only fat person in his immediate family (and much bigger than any of his chubby relatives) but he's been big his whole life, so I think that maybe he is naturally inclined to be bigger but it might just be some food issue he's always had and not genetics. From what he tells me they've never given him a very hard time about being "the fat one," but obviously it affects him. Our families seem to be very kind to his face but unfortunately I have heard almost every member of my family and his family suggest to me behind his back that he should lose weight (never in a mean manner, but concerned.)



edx said:


> You mentioned he played some sports back in high school. Do you know which sports?


Football and some wrestling (until he couldn't keep his weight below the 275 lb limit)... so the football tossing around sounds fun, especially because I don't have the first clue how to throw one so he could teach me 



> Which seems like a good time for my stock lecture number three: sharing power. I have a theory that in a relationship it is not healthy if one partner has too much of the power, even if it is very informal power... I have no idea how things are in terms of income and so on, so things could be balanced overall, but on the personal interaction level, are there things where he is the expert, the helper, the leader? If not, maybe you could find some where that can happen?


Your theory makes total sense. I do think he feels alot of power from his career but on a personal interaction he may be struggling. Maybe I should just totally back away from offering "help" because it may make him feel powerless? There are a few things I can think of though and I will work on trying to make sure his expertise is being emphasized more.



> Do you also enjoy having a guy eat for you/indulge in food? (not using the phrase "feeding a guy" because of the loaded meaning of feeding around here). That is, when he does indulge his 'always hungry' feeling, do you get any degree of kick from that? Or is it a neutral thing to you? Or does it bother you?


I would say that at the beginning of our relationship yes, I was 100% into him indulging 100% of the time- very big turn on. But now just knowing that it bothers *him* to be fat, I would say it varies. I feel anywhere from 0-100% in ecstasy and 0-100% guilty for feeling that way because he is sabotaging his goals. You have to understand that his only strange behavior is his secret eating, other than that he's your average happy go lucky guy and he only brings up his desire to lose weight maybe twice a month. So when there are periods of time where he's acting normal and acting like a happy fat guy, then we both enjoy ourselves very, very much *wink wink nudge nudge* then I have no guilt over being an FFA. It's those couple of days after he shares his inner most feelings or goes on a secret binge (even now sometimes when he doesn't "confess" I can kind of tell in his voice that something is up but I don't call him on it) that I feel bad about my true feelings.



> Do you know what his story is on how he got up to 415?
> Do you know if tends to eat more when happy and relaxed, or when stressed?


I know his story well. He's been big forever-up to high 200's in high school, low 300's in college and then the step up to 415 in the first few years after that, stayed around that weight for a while until we met and he became a little more active (now around 370). From photos I've seen of him he gained steadily but had a bigger jump after college. I think he does eat more when stressed. Our engagement has been low key but he has said he wants to be smaller by the wedding so I bet that may be triggering this. I do worry that because life is guaranteed to be especially stressful in the first few years of marriage and then having kids that if he doesn't get active enough now to stay healthy that he will keep staying stressed enough to do unhealthy things like binging in secret and eventually his weight would be such that it would be hard to stay mobile. For the record the FFA in me would not mind AT ALL having him stay big or be even bigger but realistically I know he wouldn't be mobile at this rate and thus he would be less happy and less able to keep being the sweetheart and romantic that he is now. He's just been the kind of guy who when I first met him said he wanted to lose weight, but hadn't done much to make that happen (and no crash diets--I won't stand for those) but had made several moderate changes over time until his recent self-sabotaging.

The reason why I'm seeking answers though is because I do have hope for him. I think this because he is the type of guy who seeks goals and makes them happen in every other area in his life, but has some kind of issue (compulsive) that needs to be addressed. I think deep down there's a possibility that he will mature enough to not be so concerned with the number on the scale and be more concerned about health. And the other possibility is that he gets some professional help to figure out how to at least not sabotage himself and go on so many guilt trips. 

In a perfect world he would take his health just serious enough to be mobile and have fulfiling and hopefully long life, but not lose any or much of his chub that I like so very much for so many reasons. In an even more perfect world he would love himself. I really hate the world sometimes, you know. It's not right the way people are made to feel like they have to look a certain way. Life is too short to be obsessed with your weight, whether big or small or in between. Get outside and do something and maybe you'll feel better and be happier, no matter what weight you are. But it's not always simple to convey that message to the ones we love. My voice is only so loud in this world. I understand how it can be so hard to here my encouragement, acceptance and enjoyment over the voices of thousands who tell him otherwise.


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## Fatgator (Jan 8, 2008)

I'm sorry for all the troubles you're having with him regarding the weight. I agree with you that this world bites sometimes. Your man should enjoy his life and like the way he is, regardless of what the others say. Just keep reassuring him and encouraging him, not even just about his weight. Be positive about all areas of life with him (I'm sure you are already)...I think you'll be able to work things out. 

You seem like an incredible partner, I would be lucky if I met a female like you, in terms of being so positive and loving and helpful. He's a very lucky guy and I'm sure you feel like a lucky girl. 

Sorry, I wish I had more direct advice that you can actually use...but until I think of some, this is what I've got.


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## Tad (Jan 9, 2008)

ntwp said:


> > Football and some wrestling (until he couldn't keep his weight below the 275 lb limit)... so the football tossing around sounds fun, especially because I don't have the first clue how to throw one so he could teach me
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So, here is my suggestion, right after the disclaimers. I think this makes sense, but Im not you, not in your situation, and have never done things in quite this manner myself anyway. This is really specific, not because I think you should really do it exactly as written, but because it is easier to see the plan that way. YMMV, no express or implied guarantee, and this advice is worth what you paid for it.

OK, onto the suggestion now. What in the telecommunication field we call time division multiplexing, or which might simply be called a time for everything and everything in its time. So you try to get to a place where his over eating is planned, acceptable, and shared, and where you can both maximize your enjoyment while minimizing your guilt.

First up, on the question of Does he like the feeling of being stuffed? I think the easiest way to find out is to stuff him, admit that you like it, and ask how he feels. Think of a favorite meal, be it something that you cook, that you order in, or a restaurant to which you like going. Something where you expect him to normally eat quite a lot. Plan that meal, if possible associate it with some minor special occasion. Arrange for maybe some extra hors doeuvres first, suggest the soup and the appetizer, give him part of your meal, encourage him to eat up. Say that you know hes trying to be good about his food, but this is a special occasion, and you want both of you to put aside any food guilt for one night, and enjoy the food. Then have a decadent dessert ready at your place, something you know he loves. Give him a big serving, and admit that tonight, you want to see him stuffed. Try to get him to have a second piece, maybe even feed it to him, and so on, until he really cant handle any more. Then give him a belly rub, and admit that you really do love seeing and feeling his belly when it is fullthen immediately explain that you know this isnt something he can do very often, and you arent wavering in your commitment to help him get healthier, but that you think an occasional, planned, splurge is OK. 

He might say something at that point, or he may not. If he does, you can follow up with a few gentle questions, but dont probe too hard. If he doesnt, let the subject drop, and go back to enjoying his body. After all, this may have thrown some of his assumptions for a loop, and if you push hard he may drop into a reflexive position, so let this germinate a bit.

Do follow up over the next couple of days with a couple of quick moments, like how much you had the night before, just to kill off any doubts he may have had about whether that was you enjoying yourself, or you trying to please him.

A bit later (a few days? A week? Probably not more than a couple of weeks. Depends on what he is like, when the time feels right, etc), apologize for having come on a bit strong that night. Admit that you do love seeing him indulge himself, but that you hope you didnt freak him out. Then try and have the conversation on the subject. At this point hes had about as guilt free a stuffing experience as hes apt to have, and he knows you enjoyed it too, and hopefully he can look at it without the associated guilt. In this conversation, or not too long after, try and agree on a future date that deserves celebration (birthday, anniversary, St. Patricks day, whatever. Something a month or two into the future). This gives him something to look forward to. Lets face it, it is hard to post-pone temptation forever, easier to do so for a month or two. 

At some point, either then, or before the second occasion, or not later than shortly after the second occasion, suggest that it is not too hard to find an occasion, and if he is ever really feeling the need to do this, let you know. Make sure you both agree about the continued, long term, health objectives, and that you arent putting those aside. But admit that there are things you both love in life that you dont want to totally deny. 

Now, if some degree of secrecy seems to be important to him, you could do a variation on it, at least sometimes. Do a normal, healthy seeming meal. Then go out, together, past however many drive throughs, and assemble him a fast food feast, without any one place being excessive. But fast food really is the devil to our bodies, so I would not encourage him all that much. Maybe you could move it to a better variant where you go out for dinner by actually visiting three or more restaurants? Go out early to a favorite ethnic restaurant and eat reasonably (with lots of veggies), then go to a pub where you can watch a game while having nachos and beer, then move on to somewhere else for dessert, or even a light meal and dessert. So that he never looks like the fat guy eating a ton, but both of you know that by the end of the evening he will have done so.

OK, I promise, Ill stop with the detailed suggestions after this, dont worry that Ill flood you after each post! 

But I will add a few less detailed thoughts.

He really does sound like a great guy. The again, you sound pretty great yourself, and certainly your love and caring for him come through loud and clear in your writing. It sounds like you are well matched!

I think it is perfectly fine for you to explicitly tell him that while you hope he keeps getting healthier and more fit, and that this may mean more weight loss, that you have always been attracted to him, including at his heaviest, and that in bed in particular you love that he is big, that you love his belly (or whatever other feature you especially adore), and that if life was lived only between the sheets youd never have wanted him to change at all. That you want him to change for the whole of life, not because of sexual desire reasons. This does a couple of things: helps assuage any niggling doubts about your attraction to him, and frankly it gives a little bit of informal power to him because of thatwhen he knows that he meets your standards, he wont have that sense that he has to do other things to compensate for not meeting your standards. It may also embarrass you to be that explicit, but we all need to fess up sometimes, good for the soul.

How do you think hed feel about Dimensions? Do you think introducing him to it would be good for him at some point? Or even telling him that you have this size acceptance site that you like to go to, but youd be just as happy if he didnt go, so that you have your private place? And would he be willing to meet other Dimensions folk? There are a number around Chicago, and I think in your profile you say that is where you are from? Im not saying that you should do any of these things, just that you should think about them.

Make it clear to him that you would be happy and proud to stand up at the front of the church (or wherever) with him at ANY size. That if he ended up gaining his lost weight back that youd be just as proud to marry him (and then make it clear that you are not suggesting he gain the weight back). That if he wants to lose weight prior to the wedding, for himself, that is fine, and youll support him. But that he in no way has to do it for you.



> I really hate the world sometimes, you know. It's not right the way people are made to feel like they have to look a certain way. Life is too short to be obsessed with your weight, whether big or small or in between. Get outside and do something and maybe you'll feel better and be happier, no matter what weight you are. But it's not always simple to convey that message to the ones we love. My voice is only so loud in this world. I understand how it can be so hard to here my encouragement, acceptance and enjoyment over the voices of thousands who tell him otherwise.



Boy do I know that for the truth! Been there, live that. As do a lot of other FA, of whichever gender.

Best of luck!

-Ed


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## sweet&fat (Jan 9, 2008)

edx said:


> Now, if some degree of secrecy seems to be important to him, you could do a variation on it, at least sometimes. Do a normal, healthy seeming meal. Then go out, together, past however many drive throughs, and assemble him a fast food feast, without any one place being excessive. But fast food really is the devil to our bodies, so I would not encourage him all that much. Maybe you could move it to a better variant where you go out for dinner by actually visiting three or more restaurants? Go out early to a favorite ethnic restaurant and eat reasonably (with lots of veggies), then go to a pub where you can watch a game while having nachos and beer, then move on to somewhere else for dessert, or even a light meal and dessert. So that he never looks like the fat guy eating a ton, but both of you know that by the end of the evening he will have done so.



Ed, your comments are very smart and compassionate! 

NTWP-
Speaking as someone who has struggled with secret binge eating ever since I can remember, you might want to tread VERY lightly when approaching him about this subject. Secret binge eating generally serves as a release valve and is often perceived as an extremely personal/private matter. The secrecy is a big part of how it works- its not just the amount of food consumed, but how it is done. He may feel shame about it, he may also feel very protective of it as well. I know that for me, like any eating disorder, binging is my best friend and my worst enemy. With all the changes that you and he are implementing in general, I'm not sure I would even address this matter right away. Chances are that he will binge less when he starts to feel a bit better about himself, but he could struggle with this impulse for the rest of his life. For now, it might be comforting for him to know that he has this secret way of coping in his back pocket should he ever choose to use it. That this one thing is safe and his alone since it isn't part of the publicly-discussed issue of his weight/health because it isn't on the table right now. I know this is very unhealthy thinking, and of course ideally he would not be binging at all, but realistically I think he may binge more if he is exposed for doing it and decides to stop cold turkey than if you just keep working on the great things you're doing together (perhaps including some of ed's great suggestions) and leave him his secrecy in this matter for now.

Hope this is helpful- it's a bit rambling!


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## Tad (Jan 9, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> NTWP-
> Speaking as someone who has struggled with secret binge eating ever since I can remember, you might want to tread VERY lightly when approaching him about this subject.



Wow, great input--fantastic to hear from someone who lives it.

I'd give S&F's comments priority 1A, WAAAYYY ahead of anything I said.


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## ntwp (Jan 9, 2008)

Ed, I really like your recent suggestions-- it will take a bit of reflecting to build my confidence up enough to follow through with something like that but it sounds exciting, erotic and like it might help him feel better about himself and also reduce the secrecy. 
The same goes for trying to meet up with any fellow Chicagoens or introducing him to Dimensions. I spent most of my life having an attraction to fat men thinking something was different about or possibly even wrong with me, aat least a full year accepting myself as an FFA when I finally discovered that term (by doing an online search several years ago looking for photos of fat men to look at and stumbling across this place, stunned-overwhelmed and relieved), then another couple to figure out the whole BHM/FFA relationship approach, including 4 or so years of lurking here before getting the guts to post- so I'm not sure I'm ready to take it to that step yet. 

Thanks also to sweetnfat, I really appreciate your take on this from your personal experience. The thing about his secret eating that makes me feel like I may be able to approach it with him is that he has confided in me about it. He implied that he had been doing it for a period of time before "confessing"-- (not sure how long, could be months, could be years-- but I'm thinking 'years' because it may explain how he got so big in the first place growing up in a house of skinny folks) so it is something that he knows is a problem and because he told me about it I think he may be ready to let go of at least some of his protectiveness of his secret habit. 

I will take everyone's suggestions to heart and work to make the situation better for me and my fiance', of course trying to find a balance between being true to myself to loyal to my favorite person  I will let you all know how it goes in the future and I hope to be able to contribute to other threads on this board and others.


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## Tad (Jan 10, 2008)

ntwp said:


> The same goes for trying to meet up with any fellow Chicagoens or introducing him to Dimensions. I spent most of my life having an attraction to fat men thinking something was different about or possibly even wrong with me, aat least a full year accepting myself as an FFA when I finally discovered that term (by doing an online search several years ago looking for photos of fat men to look at and stumbling across this place, stunned-overwhelmed and relieved), then another couple to figure out the whole BHM/FFA relationship approach, including 4 or so years of lurking here before getting the guts to post- so I'm not sure I'm ready to take it to that step yet.



And he may not be interested. Like you, like most FA, I spent years thinking I was some sort of unique freak. I began to get some idea I was not totally alone shortly before getting online, and I was quite excited as I realized there could be like people, and people who liked being big, that we could meet. Then I discovered that my wife did not share my enthusiasm at all--she has zero interest in taking part in any size related group, meeting, web site, etc. She has her reasons, which matter to her. So while I come to this web site, she does not, and we don't do meet ups or whatever. For your fiancee, I have no idea, just saying he might, he might not, but that it is at least worth thinking about.


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## Buffetbelly (Jan 10, 2008)

No one with an FA partner should be binge eating fast food in secret. Despite what eating disorder experts might say, try to bring the binge eating into the relationship. It might not be triggered by a deep emotional problem, but rather it might just be intense accumulated hunger from restraining his own eating to the breaking point. Bringing the binging into the open within the confines of your relationship will be emotionally more healthy for both of you. He can binge on healthier food and feel much less guilt and self-loathing over it --which might break the cycle right there. I'll bet he ends up eating less and enjoying it more. Slowing down and savoring the food can be enough to block a mindless binge to the point of being painsully full.

Not incidentally, brining this secret behavior into your sphere of intimacy will be a whole lot of fun for you! I will feel your enjoyment vicariously !


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## sweet&fat (Jan 10, 2008)

Buffetbelly said:


> *No one with an FA partner should be binge eating fast food in secret. *Despite what eating disorder experts might say, try to bring the binge eating into the relationship. I*t might not be triggered by a deep emotional problem, but rather it might just be intense accumulated hunger from restraining his own eating to the breaking point.* Bringing the binging into the open within the confines of your relationship will be emotionally more healthy for both of you. He can binge on healthier food and feel much less guilt and self-loathing over it --which might break the cycle right there. I'll bet he ends up eating less and enjoying it more. Slowing down and savoring the food can be enough to block a mindless binge to the point of being painsully full.
> 
> Not incidentally, brining this secret behavior into your sphere of intimacy will be a whole lot of fun for you! I will feel your enjoyment vicariously !



I'd love to think that secret binging is as simple as repressed hunger, and I genuinely hope that's the case here, but I don't think it usually is. If it's happening in secret and over a long period of time, chances are that the secret binging is not a happy secret or merely the result of being embarrassed to eat so much in public. There are many other reasons for doing it alone, and just because his partner is a FFA doesn't mean that her positive attitude toward him eating a lot matches up with what he feels when binging in private. Personally, knowing the torture that secret binging can be, the idea of my partner gaining pleasure from my painful eating disorder makes me sick. Love on my fat or my being big, love me eating gooey desserts or a big fattening meal, that's all great... but the binging is a completely different animal. Again, this is me, and hopefully he's more amenable (and less damaged!).


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## Laina (Jan 16, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> I'd love to think that secret binging is as simple as repressed hunger, and I genuinely hope that's the case here, but I don't think it usually is. If it's happening in secret and over a long period of time, chances are that the secret binging is not a happy secret or merely the result of being embarrassed to eat so much in public. There are many other reasons for doing it alone, and just because his partner is a FFA doesn't mean that her positive attitude toward him eating a lot matches up with what he feels when binging in private. Personally, knowing the torture that secret binging can be, the idea of my partner gaining pleasure from my painful eating disorder makes me sick. Love on my fat or my being big, love me eating gooey desserts or a big fattening meal, that's all great... but the binging is a completely different animal. Again, this is me, and hopefully he's more amenable (and less damaged!).



I think this is an excellent point! It's also a great springboard for Ye Olde Communication Reminder. 

If someone is already talking about ("confessing to") secret binges, they've made a huge step--which means that it's their partner's turn to try opening communication and maybe find out WHY these binges are taking place in secret. If it's as simple as "I'm afraid to look like a pig in front of you" than it's fairly easy for a resourceful FFA to reassure her mate. HOWEVER, like Sweet&Fat pointed out, it's not always that simple. I think finding out why the behavior takes place in secret has to be the first step. You can always decide to integrate it into your sex life later--first, make sure your partner is feeling supported and understood. (I can agree that I'd hate like hell to have my deep-seated disorder turned into a sexual kink...but I can also believe that there are men who're simply trying to impress their girlfriends.)


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