# Added complications in friendships/ relationships



## Librarygirl (Apr 27, 2012)

This is random and I don't know quite how to articulate it, but has anyone else found that this preference / fetish, whatever you want to call it has added even more complication to a friendship or relationship?

I say this as someone who fell in love with the man who 'brought her out of the closet'. He decided he didn't want more than friendship (we are also long-distance), but still wants to discuss his weight, have me tease him etc. This clearly won't work for me emotionally (much as it is tempting on the spur of the moment), but it's hard as I want us to stay friends and share other things.

Having a 'specialised interest' just seems to make things more complicated - there is always this fear that you are being used as it is hard for people to be open about their preferences/ find a match for them. Equally, does sharing something so personal with others create a false sense of intimacy? 

Anyone any thoughts or related experiences?


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 27, 2012)

False sense of intimacy? No, but I think it creates a real and very unique sense of intimacy. Sharing a fetish is a unique bonding experience and it's entirely possible to not meet any other, or to meet few people who are into this so having that bond is special.


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## Mitchapalooza (Apr 27, 2012)

I have. Some people just think its wierd


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## Sasquatch! (Apr 27, 2012)

Librarygirl said:


> This is random and I don't know quite how to articulate it, but has anyone else found that this preference / fetish, whatever you want to call it has added even more complication to a friendship or relationship?
> 
> I say this as someone who fell in love with the man who 'brought her out of the closet'. He decided he didn't want more than friendship (we are also long-distance), but still wants to discuss his weight, have me tease him etc. This clearly won't work for me emotionally (much as it is tempting on the spur of the moment), but it's hard as I want us to stay friends and share other things.
> 
> ...



False sense of intimacy? Hmmm... I guess so. You've just opened yourself up and revealed a deep secret to someone--that theoretically shows you trust them, but any relationship you have may drag on if you think they might use that secret against you in anger.

Does that make sense? It's late at night, I apologise if it doesn't. :happy:


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## TheCheckeredChaser (Apr 27, 2012)

I would say being so fat positive makes my relationships with friends hard. Many of my friends are fat and they for the most part all have the "I'm fat and it is the worst thing ever" complex and i look at them and don't know what to say. I have to choose. Am i going to tell them what they want to hear, whatever that is or what i think is true, "being fat isn't a terrible thing and it actually looks good". I know my friends avoid talking about weight around me, most likely to save themselves form my Fat Freedom Ideals. Its hard as hell having this fetish lol but its got its mager upsides too


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## biglynch (Apr 28, 2012)

I think its entirely possible to create an emotional/intimate attachment to a person through a fetish, as it is very easy to allow things to become blurred as to what it is you are actually getting out of the relationship. I struggle differentiating love and lust, and feelings and needs. Its a fine line between the two. I will say it takes a brave person to commit to any relationship based initially on a fetish as it will leave you very open to judgement. The hard part is staying brave. 

i could be wrong though


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## CleverBomb (Apr 29, 2012)

Sasquatch! said:


> False sense of intimacy? Hmmm... I guess so. You've just opened yourself up and revealed a deep secret to someone--that theoretically shows you trust them, but any relationship you have may drag on if you think they might use that secret against you in anger.
> 
> Does that make sense? It's late at night, I apologise if it doesn't. :happy:





biglynch said:


> I think its entirely possible to create an emotional/intimate attachment to a person through a fetish, as it is very easy to allow things to become blurred as to what it is you are actually getting out of the relationship. I struggle differentiating love and lust, and feelings and needs. Its a fine line between the two. I will say it takes a brave person to commit to any relationship based initially on a fetish as it will leave you very open to judgement. The hard part is staying brave.
> 
> i could be wrong though



Another take on that is that the "false intimacy" lies in assuming that because the other person understands/shares that fetish (which is not an insignificant thing!), they also have many other things in common as well. This may not be the case. However, excitement can mask the absence of a more meaningful emotional attachment. 

-Rusty


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## Librarygirl (Apr 30, 2012)

Thanks for all your thoughts so far. There are clearly many things to think about and different ways in which this can make things weird/complicated with friends and in relationships. I guess I'm lucky in that at least the friends I've told are not shocked / judgemental about my liking larger men. They'll even wind me up about acquaintances who have gained weight in a way that shows they accept how I am. 

Regarding my own predicament, I thought that in a situation where mutual attraction and friendship came first, then a realisation that we could both enjoy the fetish, things would work out ok whatever and that there was no danger of anyone having the wrong motives. I certainly didn't think the fetish could come between us. Now it just feels like I'm being used as a 'fallback' for fetish talk, under a pretext of 'being friends'. Maybe that was the case all along and it was only my naivety that led me to fall in love and hope for more....It's sad that things that once brought two people together can be the things that drive them apart. 

Anyone else got any thoughts to share?


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## Mordecai (May 1, 2012)

I would say the heart of the matter is whether or not most communication falls back into the shared fetish realm.


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## Librarygirl (May 3, 2012)

Mordecai said:


> I would say the heart of the matter is whether or not most communication falls back into the shared fetish realm.



Thanks! I guess only time will tell. Certainly from me, it doesn't, but as for what I'm getting back, I don't think I'm liking the answer to that question. I guess there comes a point where however much you care about someone, if they arent' putting equal effort into the friendship or whatever, you just have to face up to the fact that you deserve better and can't keep giving.

BUT, I just wanted to say how great it is to be on this forum, to be able to be upfront and discuss such issues with like-minded people. I was really shy about joining and posting, but now I have, I'm glad to be here!

Thanks all!


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## Deanna (May 5, 2012)

LoveBHMS said:


> I think it creates a real and very unique sense of intimacy.



This, when your partner matches your enthusiasm for the fetish.


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## Librarygirl (May 8, 2012)

Deanna said:


> This, when your partner matches your enthusiasm for the fetish.



That is lovely, and heartening to hear. 

I have been chatting to and emailing a BHM friend online and given that we've never met in person, we do seem to have a surprising connection. My last experience just left me really confused and sad, so I'm just trying to enjoy the moment for now.


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## Wanderer (May 9, 2012)

TheCheckeredChaser said:


> I would say being so fat positive makes my relationships with friends hard. Many of my friends are fat and they for the most part all have the "I'm fat and it is the worst thing ever" complex and i look at them and don't know what to say. I have to choose. Am i going to tell them what they want to hear, whatever that is or what i think is true, "being fat isn't a terrible thing and it actually looks good". I know my friends avoid talking about weight around me, most likely to save themselves form my Fat Freedom Ideals. Its hard as hell having this fetish lol but its got its mager upsides too



Oof, tell me about it.  Aside from the fact that most of my friends consider me at least a little crazy for wanting to be fatter than I am, they're all so fat-negative they won't even play a fat character in an RPG. (Not to mention insulting any fat characters I introduce... I'm the GM.)

Still, they're willing to indulge my occasional laments over not putting on weight. They just roll their eyes and quietly ignore it...


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## Librarygirl (May 11, 2012)

Wanderer said:


> Oof, tell me about it.  Aside from the fact that most of my friends consider me at least a little crazy for wanting to be fatter than I am, they're all so fat-negative they won't even play a fat character in an RPG. (Not to mention insulting any fat characters I introduce... I'm the GM.)
> 
> Still, they're willing to indulge my occasional laments over not putting on weight. They just roll their eyes and quietly ignore it...



It's sad your friends are so fat-negative, but I guess that's just their problem. Good for you though, sticking up for what you think and feel and not just going along with their narrow-minded views.  If only they knew how many of us FFAs there are out here!:blush:

I know what you mean about the eye-rolling and 'quiet ignoring'.....I sometimes get the same when the whole 'fat men being attractive' subject comes up in passing conversation with friends...Or when they mention some thin sporty guy who's visited where I work and I quietly say ....'Not really my type' and let it go at that...


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## biglynch (May 12, 2012)

Librarygirl said:


> It's sad your friends are so fat-negative, but I guess that's just their problem. Good for you though, sticking up for what you think and feel and not just going along with their narrow-minded views.  If only they knew how many of us FFAs there are out here!:blush:
> 
> I know what you mean about the eye-rolling and 'quiet ignoring'.....I sometimes get the same when the whole 'fat men being attractive' subject comes up in passing conversation with friends...Or when they mention some thin sporty guy who's visited where I work and I quietly say ....'Not really my type' and let it go at that...



I think people sometimes do the whole "wow look at him/her" thing with the expectation that this will always get a "yes he/she is amazing" and this avoids any judgement. A lot of the time they dont want to publicly just say "Wow check out the short chubby pale redhead, she is awesome" because this will be challenged. Im constantly hear this at work and when, i say "shes not for me" the guys think Im nuts. I will say my preference, and i dont mind the judgement. Many others wont and thats the big issue. We are surrounded by a world of people who have a preference towards fat/thin tall/short and generally not typical expectation of beauty, but are too scared of judgement.

Did that make sence?


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## Librarygirl (May 12, 2012)

biglynch said:


> I think people sometimes do the whole "wow look at him/her" thing with the expectation that this will always get a "yes he/she is amazing" and this avoids any judgement. A lot of the time they dont want to publicly just say "Wow check out the short chubby pale redhead, she is awesome" because this will be challenged. Im constantly hear this at work and when, i say "shes not for me" the guys think Im nuts. I will say my preference, and i dont mind the judgement. Many others wont and thats the big issue. We are surrounded by a world of people who have a preference towards fat/thin tall/short and generally not typical expectation of beauty, but are too scared of judgement.
> 
> Did that make sence?



As with your earlier post on my rather rambly thread, it makes total sense!
All this discussion and pouring stuff out is strangely liberating...Just glad there are people who will join in and say what they think!


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## deanbpm (May 13, 2012)

In my last relationship I sometimes thought that people judged us as a couple because I am big and she was slim and I have got to admit that in the past I have screwed up one or two potential relationships because I was scared of people judging us. As I have got older though I became more confident don't really worry about things like that anymore.


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## MrBob (May 28, 2012)

I can't say its ever really come up as an issue. But then again I haven't seen it as a fetish for myself, it's just what I am. It may be a different situation for an FFA keen to partake of the delectable human smorgasbord that is myself but I can't see it raising issues. I wouldn't even be bothered if all they wanted me for was my body. I'm more than happy to be reduced to a sex object. My belly could use a good rub anyway.


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