# Do you think that the people who want to date you are an indicator of your own attractiveness level? Reddit gave me both responses.



## FatBarbieDoll (Oct 19, 2020)

Hello again -- just wanted to vent a little because I am feeling down. I had a date yesterday with a guy I met online and was sorely disappointed. His photos were deceptive in that they were/are not full body shots, so he appeared thinner than he was and looked like he had more hair (I am open to dating large men myself but, if he presents as thin and shows up much heavier, I don't like that and think it's deceptive and I really dislike balding), he had filthy nails, which indicates he may not have showered prior to our date and his clothing was very low effort -- his pants even had small holes in them. I try to not judge -- maybe that is the best outfit he had -- but, on the other hand, I am skeptical he didn't have even one nice outfit to wear. As for the showering, not much of an excuse there either. 

This got me to thinking that, since I am considered to be unattractive due to my size, if the men I attract are a reflection of my own level of physical attractiveness. He also had extremely thinning hair that was in a low ponytail -- it was so thin that it looked like mere streaks across his head. At least one photo gave the impression that he had much more hair.

Before him, I dated a guy for a couple of months and he, too, was unattractive, but was growing on me slowly because of the way he treated me. Before him, there was my ex, who was a former drug addict with rotten teeth. It's a bit embarrassing to admit this, but I figured I could post here and not get judgment for it, as has been the case in the past. 

Sorry to be a Negative Nancy but I am really down and could have cried yesterday and still kinda have the urge to now. No matter which dating app I sign up for, I get lots of messages from men and many are attractive (some are catfish, I know) but all these guys want is sex and nothing more and I don't want to be discarded like a piece of garbage after he orgasms. I don't think men wanting sex proves you are attractive either, even when he is conventionally attractive himself. It seems like, more often than not, it's the unattractive guys who want serious relationships with me and I fear that says something bad about ME.

Thanks for reading.


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## BigElectricKat (Oct 19, 2020)

Whew! Where do I start? 

You should not judge yourself by the men/women you attract. Different people are going to find you attractive for different reasons. I was a bit in your position for a long while. I feared no one found me attractive (at least no one showed interest in a possible romantic relationship). And I get that. I certainly am not everyone's cup of tea, so to speak. And yes, going month after month after month without anyone even giving me a second look was disheartening. I didn't do dating apps or websites ('cause I'm old-fashioned like that) and probably did myself a disservice in that way. But I finally focused on the good things I know about myself (mainly than I'm relatively intelligent, good sense of humor, still a fairly good dancer, and apparently a REALLY GOOD kisser  ). I know that it's hard but being patient and not accepting the first thing that comes along (i.e. settling) will reward you in the end.

Second, there is a distinct difference between men and women when it comes to attraction and dating. Women benefit from men having _*persistence of vision*_. That is where men see a woman, and not matter what she looks like, she continues to look like that best version of herself long after the shine has worn off. You look hot n ready now and you always look that way to him (this may sound funny but generally holds true). Women on the other hand have _*resistance of vision*_. Generally, a guy never looks quite as good the second or third time around. You start to find chinks in his armor. Small flaws become bigger and big flaws become huge!. This is why when guys take a gal home from the club or bar, they tell their friends the next day, "She was hot, right?" But women ask their girlfriends the next day, "Was he hot?"

On a serious note, I would ask how confident you are when meeting new guys? The confidence you exude really tends to attract a higher quality of date. Yes, the trolls will come on to you but when you are more confident, the better guys will too. Plus, don't accept sub-standard behavior or poor habits (read: bad hygiene) from anybody. If it ain't right now, it won't be right when/if it needs to be (you know what I'm sayin').

I would guess that you have high standards and should stick with that. Believe me, I know being lonely sucks but wasting your time with guys/gals who can't be bothered to start off with their best foot forward is not worth it.

I wish you the very best because I know what it's like to be down on yourself. Take heart, you'll get there! Granted, I'm no authority nor am I an attractive guy. Just experienced.


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## Sonic Purity (Oct 25, 2020)

BigElectricKat said:


> Whew! Where do I start?



That’s usually where i am when @FatBarbieDoll posts. Often insightful questions, from a perspective partly similar and vastly different from my own. (Sometimes it’s best for everyone that i don’t start, so i don’t.)



FatBarbieDoll said:


> This got me to thinking that, since I am considered to be unattractive due to my size, if the men I attract are a reflection of my own level of physical attractiveness. […and…] It seems like, more often than not, it's the unattractive guys who want serious relationships with me and I fear that says something bad about ME.



No. Just no: attraction ≠ reflection.



> […]but all these guys want is sex and nothing more and I don't want to be discarded like a piece of garbage after he orgasms.



I’ve read this over and over and over and over so many times from so many disparate sources in my life, and it is so far removed from my personal reality that i cannot relate to it. Not only never in my life have i wanted “sex and nothing more” nor “discarded” anyone, i’ve never even spent time with guys/men/dudes/anyone who did this… that i know of. So many people for so many years have written about it being The Default Way Of Things that it must be real, but honestly the stories of fictional mutated people with body parts like nippledicks and multiple limbs that i’ve been working on recently seem far more real to me than this.

I would hope that in a sane world, (almost?) no one would tolerate being discarded as some kind of disposable living fleshy sex toy.



BigElectricKat said:


> Second, there is a distinct difference between men and women when it comes to attraction and dating. Women benefit from men having _*persistence of vision*_. That is where men see a woman, and not matter what she looks like, she continues to look like that best version of herself long after the shine has worn off. You look hot n ready now and you always look that way to him (this may sound funny but generally holds true). Women on the other hand have _*resistance of vision*_. Generally, a guy never looks quite as good the second or third time around. You start to find chinks in his armor. Small flaws become bigger and big flaws become huge!. This is why when guys take a gal home from the club or bar, they tell their friends the next day, "She was hot, right?" But women ask their girlfriends the next day, "Was he hot?"
> 
> On a serious note



So that whole paragraph above that last sentence was not serious, yes BEK? ’Cause if the paragraph starting with “Second” is meant as reality, there again it is so _vastly_ out of my realm of life experiences that it makes humantaurs (human centaurs, for those like me who don’t/didn’t know) more plausible as real.

Then again i’ve barely ever been _in_ a bar, much less taken anyone home/been taken home from one.

Maybe i’ve never ever really been a man. If so, i’m more down with that than any of you have any idea. Not what my genitals and every medical person’s ever told me, though.

Back to your situation, FatBarbieDoll.
While i’ve not read everything you’ve ever posted here, i’ve read a lot of it, and as you know have in the past responded, often at eye-melting length. I sense a common theme: you seem to think it’s not OK to be fat (at least for you personally—not implying you’re judging others). I humbly submit to you that to the degree you may have this attitude and may project it, you may be pushing away potential quality love interests. Decades ago finding a woman who was fat and was OK so being tended to be challenging. Now it seems close to dirt-easy (context: i suck at dating. So do i really know what i’m talking about here?). Quality Fat Admirers (any/no gender) no longer have to settle for a gorgeous Big Beautiful Person who consistently day in/day out strongly dislikes their own body. Fat positivity is all over the place, and the lower bar of body neutrality is readily available.

You’ve clearly (per posts here) been working hard for a long time striving to come to terms with your body. Here’s my sincere honest Best Wishes that you at least reach personal body neutrality if not greater acceptance or joy, whether you change/have changed your body to embrace what you believe is right and proper, or have chosen to truly accept what Is rather than what Might or might Not ever Be.


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