# Am I just a whiny little puss-bitch??



## Love.Metal (Dec 21, 2008)

I have recently realized that something I thought wasn't a big deal...is a VERY big deal to me. I am thinking that maybe a little perspective might help calm my emotions down a bit...because this is ridiculous how much it is bothering me.

My bf, whom I have been with for 6 months, is great. We lived together at the beginning of our relationship, and I had a job and was going to school full time. I am now recently unemployed, due to bad economy and the shocking difficulty of finding a part-time job around here. It's ridiculous...I put school first, so now I'm living at home until I can find another job that can work around my school time. So my boyfriend moved into his own apartment this weekend...with another girl. 

Brief history:
This girl, who is very nice, has been his friend for about 6 or 7 years. He admits that he "used to love her", and they totally had the hots for each other in high school. Now, that's fine, I don't care. He denies that they ever slept together, and I believe that. It's the past, so whatever. But the other day this girl, my boy and I were looking through some of her photo albums, and we came across this pic of the two of them like, hug-humping [aka, a very friendly hug], and he pipes up "Oh, that is totally when I fell in love with you(fill in chick's name)!! I've been in love with you since then!"
Now, I confronted him about that later, just casually, asking what he meant by "love", because he is against using taht word casually. He said it was just a slip of the tongue, and that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore.
Now he's living with her, and I'm totally jealous. I know that I could be living there too if I had a job, but I don't. They both work full time and don't go to college.
It just makes me jealous that they are at their own place, playing "house", decorating together, watching tv and just having fun together when I feel like that should be me, not some other girl. He uses a different tone of voice with her, and is just generally more patient and nice when he's interacting with her. I'm not sure exactly what I'm afraid is going to happen, I don't think they will sleep together; I'm just afraid that he will start to enjoy her company more than mine...that he is going to get along better with her, and play house with her, and laugh more with her.
I think this mostly ticks me off because I know that if I moved in with one of my guy friends, he's be so suspiscious all the time, wondering what we were up to and shit. 

This post is long and rambling...I'm just not liking that all of his positive, happy emotions go to her, while he just seems indifferent to me now that they have moved in. He's more interested in playing house with her. He swears that he loves me, and I know he does...but I'm not so cool with sharing him with another girl.

Sorry this was so long, I'm really torn about it, because I'm normally so not a jealous person. I hate that I feel this way...I've told him of my fears, and he said that I have nothing to worry about. I'm not worried so much as jealous that they are living together and doing all the things I did with him when we lived together...but he seems happier in their new place, it's all he talks about. And now every time I want to go see him or hang out with him, he includes her too, so I have no alone time with him. This is such a pathetic post...
Thoughts? Opinions? Ways to get me to stop being a puss-bitch??

Maybe just an internet-slap, to tell me to "snap out of it!!"

<3


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 21, 2008)

I don't know....given that history, I would be bothered, too. "Whiny Bitch" or no....you have a LEGITIMATE concern, IMO. 

Vice versa.....you said he is jealous. Would he be so trusting of you?


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## Love.Metal (Dec 21, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I don't know....given that history, I would be bothered, too. "Whiny Bitch" or no....you have a LEGITIMATE concern, IMO.
> 
> Vice versa.....you said he is jealous. Would he be so trusting of you?




He is really jealous...I guess he's had lots of girls cheat on him. 
I am extremely faithful, I wouldn't go running around on him. He should know that...
but he does get suspicious/cranky when I text my best friend, who is a guy...I let him read the texts and everything...but he always says that a guy is not capable of being friends with a girl without wanting to sleep with her.
I called him out on it, saying "But what about you and (girl roommate)?" and he got kinda flustered and said "Well, that's different, she's my friend...that would be weird".

So that makes me worry...
the double-standards with him are ridiculous sometimes.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Dec 21, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ....you have a LEGITIMATE concern, IMO.



Agreed. It's not the female roommate (I've had platonic male roommates in the past) or even that they are friends, or spend time together. And it is possible he no longer loves her and the word was just a slip. BUT the problem I have (And this is the big one to me) is that he includes her in ALL of his time spent with you. That's a problem. I'm not saying he should never hang out with her or with the two of you at the same time, but if he never does anything with just you........that seems kind of suspicious. It sounds like his emotional attachment to her is pretty strong and getting stronger. If he can't make some time that is just for the two of you, then I think he really needs to figure out what he wants. Sorry to hear you're going through this.


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## Cors (Dec 21, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> He is really jealous...I guess he's had lots of girls cheat on him.
> I am extremely faithful, I wouldn't go running around on him. He should know that...
> but he does get suspicious/cranky when I text my best friend, who is a guy...I let him read the texts and everything...but he always says that a guy is not capable of being friends with a girl without wanting to sleep with her.
> I called him out on it, saying "But what about you and (girl roommate)?" and he got kinda flustered and said "Well, that's different, she's my friend...that would be weird".
> ...



The others have given good advice. This makes me concerned though, double standards like this are not healthy at all, whether they are "justified" or not. 

He is your partner after all, and something as major as moving.. well, he should be taking your feelings into consideration and if anything, try to alleviate your concerns (eg. by making more time alone for you) instead of aggravating them (constantly gushing about time with new flatmate).


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## ESPN Cutie (Dec 21, 2008)

*First, I can def. say that I would also be jealous and hurt if I were you. 

It sounds like what really bothers you is not that he lives with her, but that he enjoys being around her SO MUCH. That he includes her in what SHOULD be your private couple time. That he wants her around you guys all the time. That he loves his new living arrangement with her so much, although you two used to live together. It also sounds like it really bothers you that he does with her, the things you two used to do when you guys lived together. It's like he has replaced you with her in a way. And also it might suck to have him so happy when you sound like you could be going through a rough time (no job, moving back in with your parents.)

Personally, I would not like the idea of them living together given their past; but you said that doesn't bother you and you trust him. So, I think that you should try to discuss with him how his words/actions since they moved in together makes you feel. Tell him you feel left out or that you wish he would LEAVE HER OUT every now and then. Tell him that it bothers you that she seems to have taken your place in his day-to-day life. Tell him that it sucks to hear how great living with her is, especially since you two once lived together. Tell him how you feel and why it hurts you. Just speak up honestly, don't coast along with things that you are not ok with to keep the peace. 

After all that, give him a chance to change - not move out - but find more time for just you and your relationship. See if he shows that he is repsonsive and sensitive to your concerns. If he doesn't make the effort to make you feel comfortable/sure/happy then maybe you may need to rethink your bond with him and his bond with her.

Good Luck!*


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## johnnytattoos (Dec 21, 2008)

Most of my friends are women, including my best friend. So it _is_ _possible_ to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. That being said...my bestie told me she was madly in love with me just before Thanksgiving. I'm not sure I'm helping here.... 
Am I missing the reason why you can't live at the apartment while you're looking for a job?


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## olwen (Dec 21, 2008)

I agree with the others here. Your concern is a valid one. I'd tell him I want to spend more time alone. It's good to have friends but you're not in a relationship with her. You're in it with him.


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## Love.Metal (Dec 21, 2008)

johnnytattoos said:


> Most of my friends are women, including my best friend. So it _is_ _possible_ to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. That being said...my bestie told me she was madly in love with me just before Thanksgiving. I'm not sure I'm helping here....
> Am I missing the reason why you can't live at the apartment while you're looking for a job?




I can't live there while I'm looking for a job...because he said so...??
It's an expensive apartment, and I guess he doesn't want me using up the hot water and just bumming it there. 


Thanks for the responses everyone...I don't feel like I'm overreacting quite so much now. He's really stubborn, and so far talking to him about it hasn't helped. But I will try saying it again, along with the things that you all suggested. Many thanks for the help...I feel loads better just hearing that I'm not being a completely bitchy, jealous, controlling girlfriend who wants him all to myself. 'Cause that's totally not how it is.
*sigh*


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## Carl1h (Dec 21, 2008)

I read your post and I tried to get a handle on your complicated situation with this guy and I couldn't. But here are my thoughts on the things that strike me as the salient features of the situation

You're focusing on school, not on making money and spending it on a nice apartment, that's the right thing to do. Your profile says 21yo and a psych/history major, which means that focusing on school is the right thing for you right now and in your forseeable future. You're looking at at least one advanced degree to make those fields pay off, so you really can't afford to let your schoolwork slide, right? 

Career and education choices you make right now are going to have an effect on the rest of your life. Even if this guy is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, it doesn't sound like he wants to support you, it sounds like you should be looking to your future career so that you can afford your half of the rent. If this is his move for this other girl then that's what it is, and you move on and look after your own future. Being cheated on, or not knowing if you're being cheated on doesn't hurt any less or become less confusing because you're 21 and you have your whole future ahead of you. But still, you are 21 and you have your whole future ahead of you, don't worry about this guy. Either he'll be there for you or he won't. If he's moving on then you can too, there's lots of guys and lots of time to find them.

I'm going to finish with a link to a cheesy, old song, because that was what this made me think of, and I remember listening to this song when it came out (I guess I'm more than a little cheesy and old myself).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnG6i7DWV7M


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## Louis KC (Dec 21, 2008)

What? Theres no male roomates in that city? Why does he have to room with a chick who he has a history with? If he was rooming with her when you met, that would be one thing. However, he made this change in the middle of your relationship which is unacceptable in my book. Sounds like he's trying to have the best of both worlds. Tell him that your not comfortable with the arrangement and he needs to understand your financial situation and be more supportive. If he cant man up and do what it takes to make his girl (you) happy, kick his ass to the curb!


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## Wagimawr (Dec 21, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> I feel loads better just hearing that I'm not being a completely bitchy, jealous, controlling girlfriend who wants him all to myself. 'Cause that's totally not how it is.


You're absolutely right. Sounds more like he's being a completely bitchy, jealous, controlling boyfriend who wants you exactly where he wants you to be and nowhere else.

He might have a good side but you're not seeing it here. Take a stand of some sort.


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## Melian (Dec 21, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> I can't live there while I'm looking for a job...because he said so...??
> It's an expensive apartment, and I guess he doesn't want me using up the hot water and just bumming it there.



He SAID SO? Dude, he's being a total shit, whether or not he's doing anything with his "friend." I'd call him on it.


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## Carl1h (Dec 21, 2008)

Melian said:


> He SAID SO? Dude, he's being a total shit, whether or not he's doing anything with his "friend." I'd call him on it.



Really? Does someone have an obligation to let their unemployed girlfriend or boyfriend of six months move in with them? Couldn't it be that he is just taking care of his own budget?

I don't know, I've let my friends crash in my place for as long as they want, one slept on my couch rent free for four years. So, my first thought was geez, why not just let her stay there? But then I thought maybe he isn't being unreasonable, why should he be obliged to take her in? For that matter when you live with a room mate you don't usually want their girl or boy friend moving in, it usually ends up being a pain in the ass. Maybe he's just making sure he keeps his place there and has a happy room mate that pays her part of the rent.


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## Haunted (Dec 21, 2008)

Job Or not i'd want my girlfriend living with me, Hell i'm trying to get it worked out to get her and her three kids here to live with me.


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## Love.Metal (Dec 21, 2008)

When he and I lived together, I always paid my part of the rent...and did all his laundry, kept the place spotless, made dinner, did dishes...all that "home maker" jazz. I didn't mind...since I only worked part time during the school year and full time in the summer; I felt like I owed it to the full-time worker to keep a tight ordered house.

His roommate pays the larger part of this sizable rent, because she has the bigger room. She doesn't mind when I stay there...but it's just awkward when I do, because he always says "Let's go out in the livingroom and hang out with (chicky-poo)", and when I protest, he gets upset and tells me to get over it and be nice. Now, I am uber effin' shy, like ridiculously shy. So sometimes I do go over the top with not wanting to hang out with people, but with her..it's not that I don't like her, it's that I want him to want to hang out with me again.
He was never this happy when we lived together the two of us, and now he's proud as can be that he's living with this girl. 

Blah...I feel like I'm running in circles with this one.
I understand him not wanting to let his unemployed girlfriend crash with him, it's not really his responsibility. I just want to know that I'm the girl that he would choose to hang out with if given a choice. I feel like if the answer was no, wouldn't he just break-up with me and go for her??


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## Love.Metal (Dec 21, 2008)

Louis KC said:


> What? Theres no male roomates in that city? Why does he have to room with a chick who he has a history with? If he was rooming with her when you met, that would be one thing. However, he made this change in the middle of your relationship which is unacceptable in my book. Sounds like he's trying to have the best of both worlds. Tell him that your not comfortable with the arrangement and he needs to understand your financial situation and be more supportive. If he cant man up and do what it takes to make his girl (you) happy, kick his ass to the curb!



He says he is only living with her because he promised her he would. She was living with some other roomates, but they told her they wanted their house to themselves again...so she needed a roommate. She asked him, and he claims he "couldn't say no and leave her hanging".

So he tried to sound all unhappy about it, and he signed a 6-month lease...and then told me that he's gonna sign it again after 6 months and keep living with her. So that's kinda odd too...


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## Laina (Dec 22, 2008)

Before I say anything else, I should mention that I have been, and still am, the totally platonic female friend. My best friend and I were absolutely mad about each other our first year of college...but neither of us acted on it, we both moved on, and we turned into different people who were no longer romantically inclined.

We still have a bad habit of falling into flirt-speak when we talk.

That said, as his best friend I am extremely careful around his wife. I know that we can slip into conversations she wouldn't understand, use words that would mean nothing to her (do all best friends have secret codes, or was it just us?), and basically talk around her as if she weren't there. And I know that if I initiated it, he would go along without knowing he was doing it, because he can be adorably oblivious.

So I don't initiate it, because she's an awesome person...and because (selfishly, perhaps) I want access to my best friend. I won't get that access if I'm perceived as The Enemy.

With all of that said, I don't think I understand either of their behavior, and I don't think you'd be overreacting if you tried to talk to him about it. You're entitled to one on one time with him, even (especially!) at his apartment. He probably does need to be more careful about how he talks about her. ...I also think, though, that some of it comes naturally. My best is easier on me than he is on his wife on a lot of subjects. I think it's easier for him to be patient with ME because I'm NOT his wife, if that makes any sense. He doesn't have the same expectations for me, doesn't hold me up to the same ideals. ...I'm not explaining this as well as I'd like to, but basically he doesn't have to depend on me the way he depends on her, so he's less upset when I fall down. 

Anyway, I hope your boyfriend pulls his head out of his ass soon. If he doesn't, there are colleges near me, and my only roommate is my father.  (I kid, I kid...I promise, most solemnly, not to girl-crush on you while you're attached!)


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## Esther (Dec 22, 2008)

I feel that you're totally in the right. I don't care who the girl is; the fact that he moved in with another woman when he is dating you is reason enough to be pissed off in my opinion. The fact that he once loved her, plays house with her, and includes her in all your alone time just makes it worse. I would be livid. I'll probably get flamed for this response, but I have already made it completely clear with my boyfriend that I would never move in with any dude unless it was him, and he'd better not move in with any girl unless it's me. It is just asking for problems that really don't need to happen. Need a roommate that bad? Put an ad in the paper and someone of the same sex is bound to come along.


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## Fascinita (Dec 22, 2008)

Carl1h said:


> Career and education choices you make right now are going to have an effect on the rest of your life. Even if this guy is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, it doesn't sound like he wants to support you, it sounds like you should be looking to your future career so that you can afford your half of the rent. If this is his move for this other girl then that's what it is, and you move on and look after your own future. Being cheated on, or not knowing if you're being cheated on doesn't hurt any less or become less confusing because you're 21 and you have your whole future ahead of you. But still, you are 21 and you have your whole future ahead of you, don't worry about this guy. Either he'll be there for you or he won't. If he's moving on then you can too, there's lots of guys and lots of time to find them.



I agree with Carl, Love.Metal. Try to be kind and understanding (no one is perfect), but _insist_ that he treat you with respect and listen to your concerns. And please put your life and wellbeing first, especially if you find that he is not willing to be supportive of you. It may be a tough call to make, but please don't let anyone derail your dreams and your good work. Be well and good luck.


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## Esther (Dec 22, 2008)

And also, I will add that I have been a platonic friend as well, but I know my damn boundaries. Not only would I never even contemplate moving in with one of my guy friends who had a girlfriend, I even stopped hanging out with my guy friends one on one once they got girlfriends. I realized it would make their girlfriend feel uncomfortable if I still had movie nights and long walks with them, so I backed off. Still friends, but we don't have to be all that close.
So also, I might add that I think it is selfish of the girl to have moved in with your boyfriend. I'm sure she knew the implications it might have on your relationship.


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## WillSpark (Dec 22, 2008)

Damn it. Usually I love giving advice, but so many people responded alreayd I kinda missed the boat on this one. *sigh*

Needless to say, you're suspicions are justified, very, very justified, and you should discuss it with him in a way that hopefully avoids a conflict. Simply lay out how you're feeling and try to feel out any inkling involving him, her, and how it relates to you. It was mentioned he might've been cheated on. If this is the case, sometimes hypocrisy catches up, however, you are the one who knows him and you trust that he hasn't done anythign like that yet, so in that respect, simply continue to bring it up and try to access the situation, make your feelings known, and try to determine any of his motives. And if it leads to problems later down the road, screw 'im, and you can come live with me.


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## Love.Metal (Dec 22, 2008)

Argh...I just don't know.

He gets really upset when I even talk to guys...in fact, I've been forced to ditch my best friend, who is a guy...because he was insecure about it. He said that I can't be giving other guys my attention, and that I had to choose between him and my friend. He admits readily that he is jealous, and controlling when it comes to me talking to guys. My male friend whom I haven't talked to in over a year texted me today, and just asked me what was up and how I was doing, and my boyfriend flipped out and said that I don't need to be talking to guys that want to sleep with me [this guy and I have NO history, and he is just a nice, honest dude who was genuinely wondering how I was after I moved out of state].
Double standards piss me off.

*sigh*...am I just proving ya'lls points?


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## WillSpark (Dec 22, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> Argh...I just don't know.
> 
> He gets really upset when I even talk to guys...in fact, I've been forced to ditch my best friend, who is a guy...because he was insecure about it. He said that I can't be giving other guys my attention, and that I had to choose between him and my friend. He admits readily that he is jealous, and controlling when it comes to me talking to guys. My male friend whom I haven't talked to in over a year texted me today, and just asked me what was up and how I was doing, and my boyfriend flipped out and said that I don't need to be talking to guys that want to sleep with me [this guy and I have NO history, and he is just a nice, honest dude who was genuinely wondering how I was after I moved out of state].
> Double standards piss me off.
> ...



Well, if by "ya'lls points" you mean the points that you're justified and the guy might be a tool, then yeah, pretty much. Seriously, he either has to realize this double standard, or you have to shove it in his face, see how he reacts, and either get the hell out or try to work it out. Either way, that may be the blunt way to put it, but you need something or else this is going to continue to gradually ruin your relationship with him. If you do somethign, best case scenario he realizes his mistake and you go back to what you were before this problem, worst case, it's over far quicker than had you let it drag out and eat at you.


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## Laina (Dec 22, 2008)

WillSpark said:


> And if it leads to problems later down the road, screw 'im, and you can come live with me.



Dude, I totally called dibs. Even on the internet, that's a binding contract on par with spitting in your palm and then shaking hands. For realz.


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## Laina (Dec 22, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> Argh...I just don't know.
> 
> He gets really upset when I even talk to guys...in fact, I've been forced to ditch my best friend, who is a guy...because he was insecure about it. He said that I can't be giving other guys my attention, and that I had to choose between him and my friend. He admits readily that he is jealous, and controlling when it comes to me talking to guys. My male friend whom I haven't talked to in over a year texted me today, and just asked me what was up and how I was doing, and my boyfriend flipped out and said that I don't need to be talking to guys that want to sleep with me [this guy and I have NO history, and he is just a nice, honest dude who was genuinely wondering how I was after I moved out of state].
> Double standards piss me off.
> ...



If the point is that you're in an unfair, imbalanced relationship...kinda. (Sorry, hun!)

He's not being fair to you. He may not know he's doing it. Sometimes people...just don't. You are an honest, mature woman, who deserves to be trusted by whoever she's dating. I'm going to assume, in turn, that he's an honest, mature man deserving of the same.

But right now he's not showing that. That needs to change, and it needs to change soon. You deserve equality and respect, no matter how hard it is to ask for them.

Again, I'm sorry. Relationship drama sucks. Feeling like you're being irrational sucks even more--especially in cases like this, when you're really not...but you still FEEL like you are. Ugh.


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## Morbid (Dec 22, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> I can't live there while I'm looking for a job...because he said so...??
> It's an expensive apartment, and I guess he doesn't want me using up the hot water and just bumming it there.
> 
> 
> ...




ok that doesnt make sense to me.. He says he loves you right??? but will NOT allow you to live with him while you're going to school and trying to find a job. wow thats just nice of him... im sorry.. i went through something like this a few years ago... a lady i was seeing went and moved in with her best male friend... they are now married.... You concern is totally Valid... keep your guard up and watch your back.... 

just my friendly advice... private me if you'd like to talk sometime...


Morbid


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## Tad (Dec 22, 2008)

I didn’t quote all of Laila’s posts, but I really liked her thoughts on this.

I have a pile of thoughts on this too. All are just my opinions, based on what you’ve written. I may well be completely full of BS, way off target, and a pompous windbag. Even if any of these sound like they apply, as they say opinions are worth what you pay for them, YMMV, and all that.

For my part I think that there are three immediate issues going on here. I’m going to talk about them separately, but I understand that they do interact and emphasize each other.

1) He is living with a woman. The way I look at this is either you can trust him to be faithful, in which case her gender should not be a big issue, or you can’t, in which case your relationship is probably going to be a mess sooner or later so you might as well find out sooner. In other words, in the long run, the only thing which keeps someone faithful is their own decision to be faithful, and eventually in life you’ll just have to choose to trust them.

2) He is living with an old friend, and wants to include that friend in everything, is easier on that friend, and generally seems to spend more mental and emotional time and energy on that friend than on you. Yup, this one sucks. It does not have to be a relationship killer, but it is tough. However this is one that a lot more people go through. In fact some life long marriages end up being a bit like this, where one or both partners is much more focused on friends or work or whatever, and only have limited time or energy for their partner. I guess the two big questions here are do you think this is a temporary thing, or is this just the way he is going to be? In either case, is that something that you can accept? For some people it is fine, because they too would rather devote most of their time and energy elsewhere (work, school, their own activities or friends, kids…), while for others it is constant torture. I’ve had two friends have otherwise pretty decent long term relationship break up over this sort of mismatch. I don’t think that there is a general “right” answer to this, just a “what is right for you” answer.

3) He is very jealous of you being around other guys at all, expresses that jealousy, and apparently expects you to modify your behavior based on that jealousy. To me this is actually the most poisonous of the three. In jobs, you will probably be around guys. You have friends who are guys. To me he needs to get over that jealousy, because either: you will ignore it and it will eat him alive, or you indulge it and cut off half your contact with the world. Both of those are terrible, terrible, things. I think that is the most urgent issue, to be honest. If he won’t accept that his jealousy is wrong, and work to reign it in, then I think you have a really big problem.

4) Him not letting you live with him. I can understand this one, if he is sharing the apartment, it is pretty standard to pay according to some combination of the number of people living there and size of rooms. If two of you are living in his room, he should be paying more rent than the other person is, the way I look at it. If he can’t afford to do so, then I can understand his decision. On the other hand, if he could, but isn’t willing to make much of a sacrifice to have you with him, that is probably a bigger issue. Whether it is that maybe after all he was not so comfortable with living together, or he wants to slow things down, or he is cheap, or he is only interested in the relationship if it is convenient, or something else, it seems to me that understanding what is going on with that decision would be a good thing.

More broadly, it sounds to me like there is a power mismatch going on, based on your being willing to make sacrifices and compromises, and him not being willing to, or not to the same level. The result sounds to me like you’ve made compromises to try to please him, then found that he is not making equivalent compromises to please you, and are now resenting that. That is a really bad dynamic. Changing him in the short term is unlikely; whether or not he realizes what he’s been doing in this regard, it has been working for him, so he has no real incentive to change. But you can change your own behavior, and I think you should.

More specifically, I think it might be time to let him chase you. I think you need to not be at his place so much, I think you need to get together with your friends and have a good time, and I think you need to tell him pretty much “Hey, I’d love for you to join me in having fun, if you want to be with me.” Not to make him jealous or manipulate him, but to basically live your life in a way that will make you happy. Because if he can’t deal with that, now is the time to find out. Hopefully, and even probably, he’ll come to his senses after a while and start making some compromises himself. No guarantee, and probably it will make some rocky time while he adjusts, because nobody likes losing a situation where they have things all their own way. But it is time to stop spoiling him, and hopefully then in due course he’ll mature enough to find ways to make this work better.

Regards;

-Ed


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## LisaInNC (Dec 22, 2008)

Ok...now this is just me and lord knows I say whatever is on my mind so I would tell him, "I will talk to whoever the fuck I want. Oh you dont like it? Well I dont like you shacking up with a girl you 'love' either so we are even" Or you can go the subtle route and sit on their couch, cleaning your fingernails with a switchblade and reminisce about the time you spent in jail. I prefer the latter because it would make me laugh and get my point across.


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 22, 2008)

edx said:


> More broadly, it sounds to me like there is a power mismatch going on, based on your being willing to make sacrifices and compromises, and him not being willing to, or not to the same level. The result sounds to me like youve made compromises to try to please him, then found that he is not making equivalent compromises to please you, and are now resenting that. That is a really bad dynamic. Changing him in the short term is unlikely; whether or not he realizes what hes been doing in this regard, it has been working for him, so he has no real incentive to change. But you can change your own behavior, and I think you should.



Bingo. Exactly right.

Love.Metal, this isn't really at all about him. It is, and should be, and you should MAKE IT about you. 

What can you live with? What do you want from this relationship? Do you trust your boyfriend? How committed are the two of you to each other? 

I think you need to figure out what it is that *you* need, and what you are willing to live with, and what you simply cannot accept.

If I were in your position, I would not accept his relationship with this other woman. I would have flatly told him this prior to him signing a lease with her -- that if he did so, he could kiss his relationship with me goodbye. I am not making any judgment about your choices, or his for that matter. Just pointing out what decision I would have made, based on what I know about myself and what I will & will not accept in a committed relationship. You haven't been entirely clear about what you want or expect from him; and, as Ed pointed out, there appears to be a huge power imbalance between the two of you. Whether he is conscious of it or not, on some level he absolutely understands that you are more willing to compromise than he is, and that he holds most of the relationship cards. That must create a lot of insecurity on your part  

I think that you need to think long & hard about what you can live with, what you cannot & will not (no matter how unreasonable he may think it is -- you still have a right to your expectations and to define your relationship on YOUR terms .. he's equally free to walk away if he cannot live up to those expectations). And then you need to convey that to him ... concisely, clearly, free from blame or judgment. Just ... "This is how it is. These are my expectations. Here is where I can compromise. Here is where I cannot, and will not." Put the ball in his court, and be prepared for the fact that he may choose to end the relationship with you. In any event, you have your answer ... and no more stress of living in a power vacuum, far less the esteem-draining insecurity. I wish you well, no matter what you decide.


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## Jackoblangada (Dec 22, 2008)

I am terribly sorry to hear about your difficulties. I know you don't want to hear all of this but you are a smart woman. You know the answer already. You know this kind of double standard is neither fair nor a basis to move forward. You cannot have a relationship or any merit without trust and he certainly does not sound like he trusts you.
I am saddened for you. You know you have all my support
A


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## mossystate (Dec 22, 2008)

Ack. Mr Dude is not going to shake this kind of controlling nature. It is going to get worse. He also sounds a bit sadistic. He is punishing you. You talk to members of the opposite sex, and, by god, he is going to make sure he does what he can to reduce you to a teary, suspicious, ball of stress. Sounds like he enjoys making you very uncomfortable...and then, of course, denies, so that you feel like....oh....like...coming to a message board and asking strangers if you are ' too sensitive '. This is a fucking game for him, and his toilet swimming self esteem.

You were manipulated into cutting lose your best friend...your.....best.....friend. Highly insecure people do their best to try and make their partners' lives as small as they can. If it's not a best friend who is male...it can be a female friend that he thinks is a bad influence...etc..

This is beyond a double standard. This guy is abusive. He must be the most extraordinary man.......?????


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## chicken legs (Dec 22, 2008)

The only reason he hasn't slept with his "friend" is because she doesn't want to fuck him. Therefore he keeps you around to fuck. I am using the term "fuck" in stead of "make love" because this guy is a real dick who is totally fucking with your mind and your body.

We all have had friends of the opposite sex that either: we are sooo in love with Them but they are not attracted to us enough to make it intimate, OR they are sooo in love with us but we are not attracted enough to them to make the jump into the intimate waters. Its really hard to find somone you love and are totally attracted to...I think thats why arranged marriages are still used today.

Anyway I am glad you are seeing him for who he really is and ready to leave the realm of "whiny little puss-bitch". Check out this link (for shits and giggles) to see exactly what type of dick you are dealing with http://men.style.com/gq/features/landing?id=content_7777. If the link doesn't work, i am basically refering to GQ's "guide the male species" because to me it seems you are dealing with Weenius Humanus aka the weenie. The weenie is a guy who can't deal with the fact that they are truly a dick.lol


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## SanDiega (Dec 22, 2008)

I, personally, have never been in a situation such as this, but if my boy moved in with another girl who was not directly related to him, I would be anoyed. 
If my guy moved in with a girl he used to have feelings for, I would be livid.


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## cammy (Dec 22, 2008)

IMHO, your guy is no longer your guy. He may not be having sex (yet) with this former girlfriend, but he certainly is in an intimate relationship with her...a more intimate relationship than he's in with you. If you don't feel ok about this situation, its NOT OK. 

Reread sandiega, chicken legs, edx, mossystate, tracyjo67, morbid - ok, nearly the entire thread (except Liana, sorry, girl).

I'm afraid that you have been relegated to the booty call.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 22, 2008)

Carl1h said:


> I read your post and I tried to get a handle on your complicated situation with this guy and I couldn't. But here are my thoughts on the things that strike me as the salient features of the situation
> 
> You're focusing on school, not on making money and spending it on a nice apartment, that's the right thing to do. Your profile says 21yo and a psych/history major, which means that focusing on school is the right thing for you right now and in your forseeable future. You're looking at at least one advanced degree to make those fields pay off, so you really can't afford to let your schoolwork slide, right?
> 
> Career and education choices you make right now are going to have an effect on the rest of your life. Even if this guy is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, it doesn't sound like he wants to support you, it sounds like you should be looking to your future career so that you can afford your half of the rent. If this is his move for this other girl then that's what it is, and you move on and look after your own future. Being cheated on, or not knowing if you're being cheated on doesn't hurt any less or become less confusing because you're 21 and you have your whole future ahead of you. But still, you are 21 and you have your whole future ahead of you, don't worry about this guy. Either he'll be there for you or he won't. If he's moving on then you can too, there's lots of guys and lots of time to find them.



This is a good post......I agree with Carl. 



Love.Metal said:


> His roommate pays the larger part of this sizable rent, because she has the bigger room. *She doesn't mind when I stay there...but it's just awkward when I do, because he always says "Let's go out in the livingroom and hang out with (chicky-poo)", and when I protest, he gets upset and tells me to get over it and be nice.* Now, I am uber effin' shy, like ridiculously shy. So sometimes I do go over the top with not wanting to hang out with people, but with her..it's not that I don't like her, it's that I want him to want to hang out with me again.
> He was never this happy when we lived together the two of us, and now he's proud as can be that he's living with this girl.
> 
> Blah...I feel like I'm running in circles with this one.
> I understand him not wanting to let his unemployed girlfriend crash with him, it's not really his responsibility. I just want to know that I'm the girl that he would choose to hang out with if given a choice. I feel like if the answer was no, wouldn't he just break-up with me and go for her??



I call bullshit.....just like some others have before me. Am I misunderstanding something???? He invites you over, takes you to his bedroom to f*ck you, and then worries and frets over entertaining, not you his guest/girlfriend/lover that he invited over, but rather the woman he lives with? He is worried about entertaining her???? After he has been intimate with you????
Eff that shit.......



TraciJo67 said:


> Bingo. Exactly right.
> 
> Love.Metal, this isn't really at all about him. It is, and should be, and you should MAKE IT about you.
> 
> ...



She is correct. Only YOU can make you happy. I know you think that you cannot be happy without him.....but you would be amazed at how much better you would feel NOT being with a person that treats you this way. Trust me.....I know from personal experience. 



mossystate said:


> Ack. Mr Dude is not going to shake this kind of controlling nature. It is going to get worse. He also sounds a bit sadistic. He is punishing you. You talk to members of the opposite sex, and, by god, he is going to make sure he does what he can to reduce you to a teary, suspicious, ball of stress. Sounds like he enjoys making you very uncomfortable...and then, of course, denies, so that you feel like....oh....like...coming to a message board and asking strangers if you are ' too sensitive '. This is a fucking game for him, and his toilet swimming self esteem.
> 
> You were manipulated into cutting lose your best friend...your.....best.....friend. Highly insecure people do their best to try and make their partners' lives as small as they can. If it's not a best friend who is male...it can be a female friend that he thinks is a bad influence...etc..
> 
> This is beyond a double standard. *This guy is abusive*. He must be the most extraordinary man.......?????



All of my past long term relationships have been abusive.....they were all jealous/manipulative/lying/controlling. They all sought to separate me from family/friends on some level. Sounds like Monique hit the nail on the head here. 



> You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
> bullet	Is jealous or possessive toward you.
> (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
> **Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.*
> ...



I bolded the things that I think you already laid out in your posts.....perhaps you can spot more? 
Oh, and please let me say this, too....
He will not change. They don't change. They don't want to change. It's unrealistic of you to expect him to change. I see you keep changing for him.....but he's not going to do it for you. 
THEY DO NOT CHANGE.....that was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in this lifetime. That is truth. 





chicken legs said:


> The only reason he hasn't slept with his "friend" is because she doesn't want to fuck him. Therefore he keeps you around to fuck. I am using the term "fuck" in stead of "make love" because this guy is a real dick who is totally fucking with your mind and your body.



This sound harsh.....but perhaps this is your wake up call. It doesn't matter what he SAYS...his words don't mean shit at this point. Read the writing on the wall and weigh his actions more heavily than his words of promise and sunshine. He's lying.........pure and simple. 

You deserve better than this.....and you won't get any better than this until you decide you deserve better yourself.


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## No-No-Badkitty (Dec 22, 2008)

Love.Metal said:


> I can't live there while I'm looking for a job...because he said so...??
> It's an expensive apartment, and I guess he doesn't want me using up the hot water and just bumming it there.
> 
> *sigh*




You know, I'd have some SERIOUS problems with any guy who had this kind of "control" issue. You can't live there because he said so? But he can live there with another girl.
Um.
Not no, but hell no!
I'm sorry, but I find the whole thing total BS. No guy who has your intersts at heart would feed you a line of shit like that.


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## No-No-Badkitty (Dec 22, 2008)

I just had to ad this...because your situation really bent me the wrong way.

You know what. You don't need that asshole, you are TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Do better for yourself. You deserve better.
And before he goes appologizng and making transparent promises etc...need I remind you sugar on a dog turd don't turn it into a chocolate doughnut...just say'n.


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## Uriel (Dec 22, 2008)

I'm going to refrain from making any strong suggestions (There are plenty of them above, and many echo my sentiments about the Bullshit nature of what you are dealing with), but I think that you (At the very least) need to take a little time away from this person and let yourself breathe. If you want him to get the message, definately tell him that you are taking a break. You seem (Yes, I know that this isn't the best way to get to know someone) to be a sweet and sincere person, and you don't deserve double standards, mind-games and having those close to you driven away.

Oh fuck it, suggestion coming...

Oh, I know, why don't you have a heart to heart with your (former) best friend. I'm sure he will have something to say on the subject, and (Unlike us), he knows you and your situation. My best friend happens to be a girl, and both she and I have had S.O.s who had issue with that. They never last...
I think that your BF pulled off a masterful tactical move by alienating your best friend, who was a positive, non-sexual male in your life.
Now, the Boyfriend is the only guy in it, and he gets to call all of the shots. That is unacceptable. I think that a re-connect with the best friend is an important step towards removing the crap that seems to have decided to land on your doorstep (In a paper bag, on fire, no less! Thise damned kids...).


-Uriel


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## djudex (Dec 22, 2008)

Just come live with me in the frozen wilds of Canadia. I'll even let you use the water and junk and stuff!


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## JiminOR (Dec 22, 2008)

I wouldn't move in with another girl that I had a history with. My girlfriend would probably be cool with that, she doesn't have a jealous bone in her body, but I still wouldn't do it to her.


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Dec 23, 2008)

Damn SB, I think you have every reason to be bothered by that. The fact that you feel that it shouldn't bother you is the weird part. No matter what he says, just the fact that he is living with another girl is unacceptable. 
I think you should talk to him about it. You have every reason to be uncomfortable with him living with another girl, so you should confront him and tell him how your feeling. 

I mean, them living together might not be sexual... but there is definitely a mental relationship going on there- which I think is more like cheating than a non-feeling sexual fling. 

You totally deserve better than that, so you should talk to him about it and make him realize how wrong it is. 

In a worst-case scenario, you should take time away from him. Just tell him how you feel and if he starts an argument with you, then walk away from the situation. 

This is a lot easier said than done, and there might be a whole nother dimension to your relationship that makes it worth fighting for. But from what your original post said, it seems you've gotta distance yourself from him.


Either way, I'm sure you'll handle it masterfully, and I wish you lots of luck. Although luck isn't the right word, but something similar.

<3 <3 <3


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## WillSpark (Dec 23, 2008)

Okay, I have to ask....How is the situation? I ask because it would suck to be having such problems on Christmas. Are you guys at least celebrating together or spending time with your respective families?


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## Lavasse (Dec 23, 2008)

My unasked opinion: dump him you can do better!!! 

He pays more attnetion to her then you favors her and obviously want o spend more time with her then you SO LET HIM by dumping him.


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## StridentDionysus (Dec 24, 2008)

"Am I just a whiny little puss-bitch??"

In short: No.

In long: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo. 

_Yes, I stole that joke, sue me._


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## Laina (Dec 24, 2008)

StridentDionysus said:


> "Am I just a whiny little puss-bitch??"
> 
> In short: No.
> 
> ...



This response is crafted out of pure win. I agree wholeheartedly.


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## escapist (Dec 26, 2008)

Ok I know I've sent you all those love letters, flowers, fancy gifts, 1000 Fying Ninja Monkeys, and pronounced my undying love for you but you need to really hear me on this one.....FIND A REAL MAN!



> He says he is only living with her because he promised her he would. She was living with some other roomates, but they told her they wanted their house to themselves again...so she needed a roommate. She asked him, and he claims he "couldn't say no and leave her hanging".



I'm gonna go out on a bold limb and say I am one, and I know I am because I have never been with a woman who truly did it for me that I didn't feel naturally protective, willing, wanting and able to do my best to care for her needs. I'm sure lots of guys here will agree, when you are with a woman you truly have a strong bond with the concept of cutting her out just doesn't happen if she is that woman. If I was in that situation I would say "Sure I'll move in by my girlfriend comes with the deal" Even if my girlfriend says "I don't want to" that's her choice, at least I offered. They don't like it then tough, I made my offer. I would never cut off the person I loved just to help a friend, that just doesn't even make good seance, it does make for good BS.

Just my feelings on the whole thing.


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## persimmon (Dec 28, 2008)

escapist said:


> Ok I know I've sent you all those love letters, flowers, fancy gifts, 1000 Fying Ninja Monkeys (snipped quote)



/frivolous threadjack

My husband never sends me Flying Ninja Monkeys!!!1 I'm gonna start hinting.


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## escapist (Dec 28, 2008)

Yeah I find they really come in handy for those odd and awkward moments. I mean just the other day a vending machine stole my money. I tried talking to it, rationalizing with it, I swear I never hit it, I will not dene or admit to making love to it. I just didn't have one on me at the time, but I just know if I had even just one 'O them Flying Ninja Moneys he would have made it all ok.

"Never under estimate the power of the Flying Ninja Monkeys!" - Me


Oh and to your name all I can say is "Mmmmmmm Persimmon make really good cookies!" I ate like 10 huge ones on Christmas Eve.


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## Kiki (Dec 28, 2008)

Firstly, no, you're not being a 'whiny little puss-bitch'.
If your boyfriend can play house at your expense with a chick he 'loves' that isn't his girlfriend and that's okay, get back in touch with your male best friend. Hell, why not even look for a place with him?! Seriously, do not let good friends go just because your so-called boyfriend has a jealousy problem, especially if he thinks it's okay to go on living with a girl he has feelings for and history with. See the imbalance? 
Will you be 'allowed' to move in with them when you have found a job? Would you want to?
Him moving in with her is not cool and he should never have done it. He doesn't owe her anything. It was her decision to take such an expensive apartment. She could find another flatmate, surely.
If it were me, if I was to continue dating him, I'd insist that we 'date' (i.e. we go to the movies, to eat, to a gig etc, just the two of us.) with an equal chance of ending up at my place as his. Then when we are at his, we can say Hi to her but we don't have to include her in our night because she is nothing to do with our date or our relationship.
Nothing you've said makes this thing he has with her sound harmless or that you're over-reacting.
He's treating you like crap in many ways, so please don't stand for it. You deserve SO much better.
(((SB)))


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## Love.Metal (Jan 4, 2009)

K, so I kinda dropped this thread for awhile to clear my head, and let all of your brilliant helpful advice settle.

Thanks so much, everyone!!! Hearing that I'm not overreacting...was such a relief. Because I'm so amazingly anti-drama, I hated that I was causing it with my own relationship. 

A [hopefully] short update: *ahem*

I have not brought any of this up to him yet. Please, before you start yelling and smacking your foreheads, let me say; I have not brought it up because their [him and chicky-poo] "relationship" has seemed to cool quite a bit since they have been living together. 
I did, however, bring up that maybe he could have found a roommate with a penis...and he got a little defensive and upset. I also told him that his double-standards for me are complete and utter shit, and that I'm not standing for any of that crap anymore. On nights I don't stay with him, he'll go out to a club with a group of people, female roommate included, she'll buy him tons of drinks, and then he drives her home. He'll off-handedly mention it to me the next day. If I didn't call him, ask permission, and have him tag along, my going-out to the bar would never happen. 
I called him on it, and said that if I ever did that to him, he'd pretty much throw me out the door after a terrible verbal lashing [that's the jealousy talking...a side-effect of insecurity appears to be yelling]. He looked really ashamed when I told him off for that, and said that he recognizes his actions as wrong, and will try to alter his behavior. 
So that was big to me, 'cause I usually totally don't stand up to people.

He and girly-mate have been kinda butting heads over the living situation...just basic arguments about who has had clothes in the wash for a week, who doesn't wash dishes, and who eats the other person's food. I'm just standing by, waiting for the "big explosion". Maybe that's wrong...but I just still don't see why he had to move in with HER. No matter how desperate he was to move out of his parent's house, I can't see the only option being living with another girl. But I'm being tolerant of that for now, and just trying to see how it all plays out. 


Thanks so much for all the wonderful insight and advice!!! 
I wish you all knew how much better it made me feel to read all of your responses :]
This is the best support group I could ask for.

<3


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## Cors (Jan 4, 2009)

Thanks for the update and I am glad to hear the situation is somewhat better. Yay that you stood up for yourself! I understand how difficult it can be sometimes, especially if you are not quite used to it so bravo for taking that step forward. 

You are definitely not "creating drama" here. It is a perfectly valid concern that should be addressed and I am glad he is trying to change his behavior. I am probably being too skeptical here, but I wonder if it will be too little too late. From experience, it takes a looooong time before awareness translates into behavior modification, even if he understands the consequence of his actions and actually puts in effort. Did he mention what steps he plans to actively take? Can he handle you getting in touch with your best male friend, or going out without notifying him? 

As for his current situation with female flatmate, it sounds like they are going through what some couples experience when they move in together. It is more likely that they will eventually adjust to each other's quirks than it culminating in some sort of explosion, but at least the "honeymoon period" is over. Is he more eager to spend time alone with you now and more appreciative of your company? 

I hope the situation works out for you. You deserve nothing less than someone who is loving, sweet and respectful. <3


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 4, 2009)

Your feelings are not "dramatic".....and you are entitled to them. You are also entitled to express all of them. It's just the "how" of expression that can sometimes be a problerm....
Be sure to remain calm and be respectful of others......or that is when the "drama" can happen. Not your feelings....but how you treat/approach others is the drama.

And yeah....it took me a long time to figure this out for myself


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## squurp (Jan 4, 2009)

Love.Metal said:


> He is really jealous...I guess he's had lots of girls cheat on him.
> I am extremely faithful, I wouldn't go running around on him. He should know that...
> but he does get suspicious/cranky when I text my best friend, who is a guy...I let him read the texts and everything...but he always says that a guy is not capable of being friends with a girl without wanting to sleep with her.
> I called him out on it, saying "But what about you and (girl roommate)?" and he got kinda flustered and said "Well, that's different, she's my friend...that would be weird".
> ...




He is very concerned that you will cheat on him, because he is cheating on you. Just my two cents.


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## WillSpark (Jan 4, 2009)

And thus my nosiness is subsidized! Hallelujah! 

Glad to hear that things appear to be working themselves out. The update was greatly appreciated!


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