# selfconscious, or do I just not give a toss?



## succubus_dxb (Oct 14, 2009)

I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 months now, and I realised that not once has my size come up - in ANY way, shape or form- which makes me wonder- am I lacking in self confidence, or do I just not give a toss or think it's important enough to bring it up? I suppose I've always been quite confident, and sort of have a 'like it or lump it' attitude as to whether someone is attracted to me.

Within the little world of Dims (I'm speaking personally) it is easy to talk about 'fattie' issues, however I guess I've never really separated myself from others because i'm a big girl. 

Have any of you ladies considered this before? Would be very interested to hear what you have to say


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## Fat.n.sassy (Oct 14, 2009)

When I was younger, I was terrified of *anything* being brought up about my size or weight. It was such a source of shame for me. (My first experience of many with anyone commenting on my weight was my father slamming the fridge door shut on me, loudly telling me 'you need to lose some weight, young lady! - I was 5 years old.) 

It's been a long time trying to erase those 'old tapes' in my head but now I don't think I would 'give a flip' either! LOL!


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 14, 2009)

Funnily enough, just after I typed that first post on the subject, I realised I had completely 'blocked' an incident I had with my mum when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago- she brought something up about my weight WHILE WE WERE EATING DINNER in a lovely restaurant. I had already ordered my meal (which was of a much healthier variety than hers!)- I can't remember exactly what she said, but something regarding my weight being a perpetual 'issue'- now my mum was thin when she was my age, and gained some weight after having myself and my sister, however I am bigger than her. I got so upset at her for bringing up something like that at what I thought was an innapropriate time- my dinner was on it's way, we were enjoying a glass of wine, IN PUBLIC, and I was on the verge of tears- and like you said- I'm terrified of my family bringing up my weight. now, when it comes to my friends/boyfriend - I am happy to make a light hearted comment about my weight, or to tell people they're being rude when they make 'fatist' comments. Why can't I stand up to my mum?!


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## littlefairywren (Oct 14, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> Funnily enough, just after I typed that first post on the subject, I realised I had completely 'blocked' an incident I had with my mum when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago- she brought something up about my weight WHILE WE WERE EATING DINNER in a lovely restaurant. I had already ordered my meal (which was of a much healthier variety than hers!)- I can't remember exactly what she said, but something regarding my weight being a perpetual 'issue'- now my mum was thin when she was my age, and gained some weight after having myself and my sister, however I am bigger than her. I got so upset at her for bringing up something like that at what I thought was an innapropriate time- my dinner was on it's way, we were enjoying a glass of wine, IN PUBLIC, and I was on the verge of tears- and like you said- I'm terrified of my family bringing up my weight. now, when it comes to my friends/boyfriend - I am happy to make a light hearted comment about my weight, or to tell people they're being rude when they make 'fatist' comments. Why can't I stand up to my mum?!



I have the same reaction when my mother brings up my size and I am 41. But she still has this way of making me feel like crap more than anyone I know! I love her dearly but she knows how to twist the knife.

I tend to feel separate from most people. None of my friends are my size so don't really understand any issues I might have. As I have gotten older though, I feel less of a need to "apologise" for my size and just think if someone does not like it then they can just move on.


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## Jes (Oct 15, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 months now, and I realised that not once has my size come up - in ANY way, shape or form- which makes me wonder- am I lacking in self confidence, or do I just not give a toss or think it's important enough to bring it up? I suppose I've always been quite confident, and sort of have a 'like it or lump it' attitude as to whether someone is attracted to me.
> 
> Within the little world of Dims (I'm speaking personally) it is easy to talk about 'fattie' issues, however I guess I've never really separated myself from others because i'm a big girl.
> 
> Have any of you ladies considered this before? Would be very interested to hear what you have to say


My advice: Keep it this way! 

I never wondered about the fat issue or questioned things much 'til I became a member of Dimensions. Now, being naked/sexual with a man has become different for me. And for the worse, in my opinion.


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 15, 2009)

Jes said:


> My advice: Keep it this way!
> 
> I never wondered about the fat issue or questioned things much 'til I became a member of Dimensions. Now, being naked/sexual with a man has become different for me. And for the worse, in my opinion.



INTERESTING! This whole idea of being with an 'FA' is just beyond me- and it's NOT because I haven't been with caring lovers- not in the slightest, but I think the idea of someone just...smothering me in adoration..well.... is a bit strange really. As if it doesn't matter if I'M there, just my arse. lol


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## Vespertine (Oct 15, 2009)

I've dated some guys where the size thing doesn't come up really, I like it that way. Mostly because size just isn't that important of a factor of who I am overall. It doesn't sound to me like you're self-conscious. Do you insist on having sex in the dark, or with clothes on? That would seem like self-conscious behavior to me.

I have to say I hate it when my mom gets in on my about my weight too, though she is less likely to these days, and when my dad does it, it kills me. Maybe it is hard cos they see themselves as responsible for creating you, therefore they also have a duty to 'fix' you? Maybe its cos parental disapproval is stamped into us from infancy as a Very Bad Thing? I'm not sure, but it do suck.


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 16, 2009)

I think also my mum has issues about her size, and she does feel a certain amount of guilt for raising me fat- I was always a big kid.

As for sex, I'm a lights on, butt naked kinda gal. hahaha, so no worries there.


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## Jes (Oct 16, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> INTERESTING! but I think the idea of someone just...smothering me in adoration..well.... is a bit strange really. As if it doesn't matter if I'M there, just my arse. lol



It's not really that, for me. It's hard to describe here, but a PM might be in order if you're interested.


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## MsGreenLantern (Oct 16, 2009)

I've never made an issue of my size with my boyfriend, and visa versa. He is not an "FA" as far as I'm aware. He never dated someone as large as me in the past, nor did he have any issue when we started dating. He was the one initiating public hand-holding and all... So, why make it an issue? 

If the sex is good [assuming you're having sex], and he's got no problems showing you off to friends and family, nothing is wrong in that department. I've never heard mention of diets, or eating differently, or clothing sizes from my man... and why should a boyfriend mention such things? I say, keep on doing what you're doing. Being fat doesn't have to define your life. If you are happy, then please continue to be without incident!


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## BBW4Chattery (Oct 17, 2009)

My last ex, heretofore known as evil ex, brought it up in 3 ways that have completely warped me and practically made me frigid.

_Situation 1_

Me: Ugh, these pants don't fit, they make my ass look huge.
Him: What are you talking about, huge? You have a flat and wide bottom, flattest I've ever seen.

_Situation 2_

Me: Oh, come on, I really do want to know what your friends think about us finally getting together. Here, how about this, just tell me one thing they've said about me.
Him: Well, they said, "she's the kind of girl who'd look great if she was 100 lbs lighter."

_Situation 3_

Me: That was awesome, oh my God, amazing, how do you feel? Is it as good for you as it is for me?
Him: Honestly, probably not.
Me: Why, am I doing something wrong? (almost in tears)
Him: No, no, it's nothing you can help, at least not immediately, it's just that the fat on your thighs keep me from getting all the way in sometimes.


Yup, I'm going to die old and alone with 59 cats. Before him, I'd had NO body issues. Not a single one with my ex before him or other guys I'd dated... not a single one. It's been 6 years since him and I haven't done anything sober since then... I just can't stand to be that vulnerable.


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 17, 2009)

wow he sounds like a diiiiiiiiick head! PLEASE please please don't let him affect your self-confidence anymore.. he sounds like one in a million - in the worst kind of way. 


Perhaps you can spend sometime in front of the mirror everyday, admiring all the things you like about your body, think about all the POSITIVE experiences you had with men before him.


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## Theresa48 (Oct 17, 2009)

I never thought about it one way or another, either, until my first boyfriend after my divorce many years ago. He responded to me sexually but began to nag me about my weight (totally centered on his concern for future "health" issues) after a year into our relationship. One thing that I do not take well to is nagging. The constancy of it began to chip away at how I felt about myself and I began to eat more for comfort. Not a good choice to make. Since I had emotionally committed to him, it hurt a lot when I finally decided to end it. I think the earlier something like that is discussed, the better...but that is because of my personal experiences. It is good to know in the beginning if weight is an issue, although I think some guys lie to get what they want. (Hmmm...I'm seriously cynical today which isn't always the case...not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.) I've also learned...don't ask unless you are ready to deal with the answers. People can be cruel and thoughtless about how they respond.
Wish it were different.


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## Tau (Oct 17, 2009)

BBW4Chattery said:


> My last ex, heretofore known as evil ex, brought it up in 3 ways that have completely warped me and practically made me frigid.
> 
> _Situation 1_
> 
> ...



OMG chick!!! I'm so sorry *big hugz* Please don't let one giant asshole ruin how you feel about your body. That last comment made me so angry - I seriously wanna meet him and cut him 

As for the fat discussions: I make the assumption that if you're with me, pursuing me, shagging me, you adore my fat body. I make it very clear that I like the fat where its at and that it isnt going anywhere and to the dolts who start whining about my future health and how much happier i would be if I dropped X amount of kilos, I say: what the hell do you want with my vagina anyway, cos its a fat one and thats how its going to stay.


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## StarWitness (Oct 17, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 months now, and I realised that not once has my size come up - in ANY way, shape or form- which makes me wonder- am I lacking in self confidence, or do I just not give a toss or think it's important enough to bring it up? I suppose I've always been quite confident, and sort of have a 'like it or lump it' attitude as to whether someone is attracted to me.
> 
> Within the little world of Dims (I'm speaking personally) it is easy to talk about 'fattie' issues, however I guess I've never really separated myself from others because i'm a big girl.
> 
> Have any of you ladies considered this before? Would be very interested to hear what you have to say



I'm curious, what about your size do you feel needs to be discussed with him?


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## littlefairywren (Oct 17, 2009)

Tau said:


> OMG chick!!! I'm so sorry *big hugz* Please don't let one giant asshole ruin how you feel about your body. That last comment made me so angry - I seriously wanna meet him and cut him
> 
> As for the fat discussions: I make the assumption that if you're with me, pursuing me, shagging me, you adore my fat body. I make it very clear that I like the fat where its at and that it isnt going anywhere and to the dolts who start whining about my future health and how much happier i would be if I dropped X amount of kilos, I say: what the hell do you want with my vagina anyway, cos its a fat one and thats how its going to stay.



100% in agreememnt with you Tau! All of it


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 20, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> I'm curious, what about your size do you feel needs to be discussed with him?



It's not that I feel my size SHOULD be mentioned, but since joining Dimensions (about a year ago) I realise that, for a lot of women, it is something that is discussed openly. I've always thought as myself as Bobbie, who happens to be fat. Not Fat Bobbie. lol


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## Jes (Oct 20, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> It's not that I feel my size SHOULD be mentioned, but since joining Dimensions (about a year ago) I realise that, for a lot of women, it is something that is discussed openly. I've always thought as myself as Bobbie, who happens to be fat. Not Fat Bobbie. lol



this is exactly what i'm talking about, boobookitty. for me, this addition to my sex life was one i wish had never happened. perhaps you're different, but based on your question and the post I'm quoting, perhaps not. Tread carefully.


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## olwen (Oct 20, 2009)

Tau said:


> OMG chick!!! I'm so sorry *big hugz* Please don't let one giant asshole ruin how you feel about your body. That last comment made me so angry - I seriously wanna meet him and cut him
> 
> As for the fat discussions: I make the assumption that if you're with me, pursuing me, shagging me, you adore my fat body. I make it very clear that I like the fat where its at and that it isnt going anywhere and to the dolts who start whining about my future health and how much happier i would be if I dropped X amount of kilos, I say: what the hell do you want with my vagina anyway, cos its a fat one and thats how its going to stay.



Exactly. If a guy is going to be with me, then he better damn well understand what that means. If he can't handle my size he needs to be with someone else. At this point in my life I refuse to sacrifice my hard earned sanity for some jerk with issues. Part of me thinks he could very well have said those things to gain some control. How can a guy who dates and has sex with fat chicks not understand some things about the way our bodies move and such? If a guy has never been with a fat woman before I want to know about that up front so I can decide how much "teaching" I want to do, and it's not like he could hide that either. Guys who have been with fat women know what they are doing and it shows.


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## bdog (Oct 24, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> Have any of you ladies considered this before? Would be very interested to hear what you have to say



Ok, I'm not a lady, but I have dated them, and have talked about 'fat' in different ways with each one. With one I learned pretty quickly to never mention it. With another we talked about it all the time and very explicitly, including 'fat talk' in the bedroom. Another one was somewhere in between... She loved her 'curvy body' and my deep appreciation of it but she probably to this day doesn't know what a BBW is. 

It sounds like you and your man just aren't that concerned with size. It's possible things will change... but who knows, maybe it's just not a great source of pain/pleasure one way or the other. 

I think dating an FA and all that comes with it can be a great thing, but it's also a doubled edged sword and for some women it hasn't worked out as well as people have pointed out.

Anyway, hope I'm not intruding too much... just wanted to chime in with the FA perspective. :blush:


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## Surlysomething (Oct 25, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3 months now, and I realised that not once has my size come up - in ANY way, shape or form- which makes me wonder- am I lacking in self confidence, or do I just not give a toss or think it's important enough to bring it up? I suppose I've always been quite confident, and sort of have a 'like it or lump it' attitude as to whether someone is attracted to me.
> 
> Within the little world of Dims (I'm speaking personally) it is easy to talk about 'fattie' issues, however I guess I've never really separated myself from others because i'm a big girl.
> 
> Have any of you ladies considered this before? Would be very interested to hear what you have to say




Someone I dated in the past told me that I worry WAY too much about my size and that I need to stop. What a great feeling! I've also dated non-boob men in the past and turned them into raving boob-a-holics.  I think your guy just likes you. The whole package. What a wonderful thing!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 25, 2009)

He might not see you as fat.......


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 27, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> He might not see you as fat.......



 but...but... I am squishy- all over!


Thanks for the input guys, interesting subject


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 28, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> but...but... I am squishy- all over!
> 
> 
> Thanks for the input guys, interesting subject



Lol, I'm fatter than you are....and the guy I have been dating recently has told me "You're not fat".....more than once. Now perhaps he means this as "You're not the unattractive, ugly meaning that the word fat tends to often imply" OR...
he considers women my size not big enough to fit into however he envisions "fat" in his mind. 

He might not consider you fat......seriously.


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 29, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Lol, I'm fatter than you are....and the guy I have been dating recently has told me "You're not fat".....more than once. Now perhaps he means this as "You're not the unattractive, ugly meaning that the word fat tends to often imply" OR...
> he considers women my size not big enough to fit into however he envisions "fat" in his mind.
> 
> He might not consider you fat......seriously.



interesting...everytime my sister says 'you're not fat', I say 'erm..yes I am. and that's not me being hard on myself, it's the truth'


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 29, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> interesting...everytime my sister says 'you're not fat', I say 'erm..yes I am. and that's not me being hard on myself, it's the truth'



I understand that perfectly. I'm one of the fattest people where I work. I'm one of the fattest people in my neighborhood. I'm one of the fattest moms dropping my kids off at school, etc..........
Most people will realize this.....but some just have a different way to measure or see. 
I can recognize that in some people because as a woman with an eating disorder, I still view myself as very fat .....I see myself as fatter than most of the other women here. Not in a "ti hi hi I'm fatter and more desirable" kind of way.....but I just don't see other people posting their pics as being fatter than myself. 
It's quite shocking for me to see some of the other ladies say they weigh XYZ......outweighing me by a 100 or more lbs.....BUT I CANNOT SEE IT. 

So if I see myself as looking like I weigh more than I do......or is someone views me as weighing less than I do.....it's just a matter of perception. 

He might not see you as fat.....or maybe he just thinks it would be rude to bring it up. 
How important is it? 

You aren't that big to me, btw


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 30, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I understand that perfectly. I'm one of the fattest people where I work. I'm one of the fattest people in my neighborhood. I'm one of the fattest moms dropping my kids off at school, etc..........
> Most people will realize this.....but some just have a different way to measure or see.
> I can recognize that in some people because as a woman with an eating disorder, I still view myself as very fat .....I see myself as fatter than most of the other women here. Not in a "ti hi hi I'm fatter and more desirable" kind of way.....but I just don't see other people posting their pics as being fatter than myself.
> It's quite shocking for me to see some of the other ladies say they weigh XYZ......outweighing me by a 100 or more lbs.....BUT I CANNOT SEE IT.
> ...




Even though I really don't think I have anything related to an eating disorder (and i'm sorry that you're battling with one) - I still do think i'm much bigger than everyone else- I don't have any fat friends though! I am always the biggest of everyone i'm around (truly)- so I guess i've got the mental thing of, 'well i'm the fattest, i must be really big', and probably can't see myself how others see me! It's funny though, I'm often shocked by how big I look in photos because of the people who are around for comparisons. Then I come on here, and I suppose I am on the smaller end of the scale.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 31, 2009)

succubus_dxb said:


> Even though I really don't think I have anything related to an eating disorder (and i'm sorry that you're battling with one) - I still do think i'm much bigger than everyone else- I don't have any fat friends though! I am always the biggest of everyone i'm around (truly)- so I guess i've got the mental thing of, 'well i'm the fattest, i must be really big', and probably can't see myself how others see me! It's funny though, I'm often shocked by how big I look in photos because of the people who are around for comparisons. Then I come on here, and I suppose I am on the smaller end of the scale.



After making that post to you, I made myself slow down today and take a GOOD look around me when I was out and about tonight. There are other big people around......but I realized what I am doing is more along the lines of making the people around me smaller than they are. 
Weird.....
But then again.....that could be what Mr Man does. Just letting you know strange things do happen when dealing with the human mind


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