# Why is this so hard?



## butterflyblob (Aug 7, 2007)

This is the first thread I've ever started on Dimensions. I comment a lot but I haven't been around much recently.

My first full-fledged BHM boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago.

We met on a mainstream online dating site. We'd been talking online for about a month before we ever met--and by "talking" I mean long, hardcore getting-to-know-you emails, not just meaningless instant messaging. We had the relationship talk right after our first in-person date, and things seemed to going well for the next few weeks. He made a lot of plans for us for the future, including buying concert tickets for next month. He even invited me to dinner with his parents.

Then Sunday night, he broke up with me. A big part of the reason, according to him, was the fact that he couldn't deal with dating someone who was as attracted to him as he was to her.

I probably shouldn't have been so surprised by this. By his own admission, his relationship history was pretty empty. He had one serious girlfriend. I was the first girl he ever had sex with. There were several girls in his past whom he was interested in who rejected him at least partially because of his weight. I was very clear with him from the start that I'm attracted to bigger guys, and he seemed okay with that. He lost ~80 pounds before we met and was in the process of trying to lose about twice that much. I told him honestly that I was attracted to him now, but I would still be attracted to him smaller if that was what he wanted. Now he's saying that he isn't going to date again until after he finishes losing weight and is happy with himself.

I'd really love to chalk this experience up to the unique insecurities of the guy in question, but the truth is that every single one of my dating experiences has been plagued by similar problems. Most of the other guys I've dated, including my only serious relationship, were "stocky" and found my attraction to their chubby stomachs very disconcerting. The only other full-fledged BHMs I've encountered haven't been interested in me for a number of reasons--a recurring one was my own weight. (I would probably be considered barely chubby in this venue, but throughout high school I was about 50 pounds heavier.)

I'm young--23--and all of the guys I've dated have been a few years older than I am at most. The most recent one was 26.

I know that I can't change anyone, and that self-acceptance has to come from within and not from anyone else. I'm not aware of myself being drawn to insecurity, although I suppose it could be a subconscious possibility. I guess what I'm asking for by posting my story is some hope, some reassurance that I'm not doomed to repeat some version of this story for the rest of my life. Rationally or not, I keep thinking that I'd be better off if I could suck it up and learn to like skinny guys.


----------



## BLUEeyedBanshee (Aug 7, 2007)

Some skinny guys have the same insecurities. As much as it sucks sometimes to say this, some guys don't know what to do with a girl who's actually into them. I finally got lucky with the guy I'm with now. I know at times the fact I'm physically attracted to him baffles him, but he's fine with me being into him.

Maybe it comes with age, but you said you dated guys older than you...I dunno, I will be honest and say for a little while I was seriously thinking I would be better off switching teams.


----------



## Wagimawr (Aug 7, 2007)

Sounds like you know more than you're saying (but not in a bad way); learn to realize those "I should have known" moments and then act on them, never ignore them.

Just take these as learning experiences, and just remember that everybody's brain is wired differently, and not EVERY fat guy in the world hates themselves for it, even if it seems that way sometimes.


----------



## rabbitislove (Aug 8, 2007)

Oh yeah, getting dumped by the insecure BHM. Ugh. Been there, been screwed by that. Hence my title  (Although my dog is cute and makes it hard to be bitter).

However, the only advice I can impart is to realize its not you its him. You are perfectly fine (and very pretty from your icon). I won't tell you that you'll find someone else, other fish in the sea bullshit (it really doesn't make you feel better at all and its not about that) but I will tell you that as long as you are confident in yourself, none of these cute but stupid men can knock you down.

Stay strong woman. This board loves you, and helped me through my breakup.


----------



## CartmanUK26 (Aug 8, 2007)

Well if anyone wants to be into me I am completely fine with it  seriously I don't know whats wrong with some BHM's.

Okay if you meet a girl in a club and she acts like she likes you you have to be careful because she could be messing with you but if you go out of your way to find someone who went our of their way to find you and they say they are into you then for god sake take it at face value or you may end up very very alone!

Rich


----------



## Ry&#333;ri (Aug 9, 2007)

as much as I'd like to say that you won't find another guy that has that problem it doesn't seem to ever be the case. As guys we are believed that fat is bad and muscular is good. Even though being big is somewhat more accepted option for men than it is for women some guys just have a problem with it. I personally enjoy the extra layer of fluff that keeps me warm in the winters and keeps my ass comfortable when riding a motorcycle.


----------



## lemmink (Aug 9, 2007)

He's just the wrong guy. I think ever FFA has dated guys who are insecure about their looks, (much like FAs dating insecure women) and it's a freaking killer and really makes you question yourself. The thing is, there are going to be fat blokes out there who are absolutely chuffed you dig them as they are. Finding them's the crap thing tho.


----------



## ruby (Aug 9, 2007)

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way that you had hoped.

I have a three thoughts:

The man you describe seems to be the type of person that only wants to belong to the club that will not allow him to join. Some people are only interested in "what they cannot have." I do not think that this is necessarily a weight issue. It sounds as though you are too nice to this guy and he lacks appreciation.

Although the BHM broke up with you, I believe that you gave him confidence -- maybe too much. Since he had a physical relationship with you (a very pretty woman) he probably thinks that his next relationship will come more quickly. He's in for a taste of reality. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes crawling back to you. He is less mature than you are socially. I don't think there is any connection between age and maturity. There are some young men who are mature and some older men that are immature. I do not think that the age difference is a factor.

I met my BHM boyfriend online. He replied to a personals ad that I posted. Anyway, we only emailed 4 very short messages before we met face-to-face at Starbuck's. I find that it's easier to know whether you are compatible with someone "in person." One cannot assess whether there is "mutual chemistry" via email. In an online relationship, you invest much time writing and emotion; yet, you miss out on appearance, facial expressions, body language, smell, etc.


----------



## jdprovorse (Aug 11, 2007)

consider the possibility that maybe, despite his own fatness, he's just like so many other people: brainwashed into believing that fat is inherently repulsive; that it's simply not possible for anyone to have an honest, natural attraction to fat. his refusal to stay with you or to date anymore at all until he's thin would seem a strong indicator of this. maybe this caused him to be constantly untrusting of your affections, certain that this couldn't be real and that he'll discover at any moment that it's all been some kind of cruel joke or game at his expense. maybe it caused him to find you sexually perverse or somehow psychologically disturbed for being attracted to something so repulsive. maybe it caused him to feel utterly unworthy of you, shamed by every moment you spent with him, seeing himself as tarnishing something special. these may all seem to be incredibly irrational states of mind, but emotion is diametrically opposed to rationality. considering the kind of savage emotional abuse a fat person can encounter during their lives, as well as the overwhelming power of society and media and culture to make people hate themselves, I don't think it's too much of a stretch to accept that initial assumption. maybe he's just another unfortunate victim of the rampant and socially-acceptable hate campaign against fat. some of us deal with the abuse and survive, scarred and battered but still pretty much intact. sadly, some don't.


----------



## William (Aug 11, 2007)

Hi jdprovorse

I am still surprised by BBWs that come online these days that know nothing about Fat Acceptance, so it is even more likely that there are even more Fat Men out there that have had no contact with the Fat Acceptance Community.

I think that the first response to this thread should have been something like you just shared. BHMs with these personal issues should receive the same empathy/understanding as BBWs in the community.

William







jdprovorse said:


> consider the possibility that maybe, despite his own fatness, he's just like so many other people: brainwashed into believing that fat is inherently repulsive; that it's simply not possible for anyone to have an honest, natural attraction to fat. his refusal to stay with you or to date anymore at all until he's thin would seem a strong indicator of this. maybe this caused him to be constantly untrusting of your affections, certain that this couldn't be real and that he'll discover at any moment that it's all been some kind of cruel joke or game at his expense. maybe it caused him to find you sexually perverse or somehow psychologically disturbed for being attracted to something so repulsive. maybe it caused him to feel utterly unworthy of you, shamed by every moment you spent with him, seeing himself as tarnishing something special. these may all seem to be incredibly irrational states of mind, but emotion is diametrically opposed to rationality. considering the kind of savage emotional abuse a fat person can encounter during their lives, as well as the overwhelming power of society and media and culture to make people hate themselves, I don't think it's too much of a stretch to accept that initial assumption. maybe he's just another unfortunate victim of the rampant and socially-acceptable hate campaign against fat. some of us deal with the abuse and survive, scarred and battered but still pretty much intact. sadly, some don't.


----------



## jdprovorse (Aug 13, 2007)

missaf said:


> Unfortunately, it's going to be an even larger step to come to love himself and accept himself for who he is.


why is acceptance of what you are always the answer? why is it wrong for a fat person to want to be thin? if it's truly what he wants to be, shouldn't he try to be that? he should only accept himself as fat if he's really okay with it. it may seem an absurd thing to say, but I think it makes a very subtle yet important point: you should only be okay with what you are if you're really okay with what you are. otherwise, you should try and make yourself into the what you can be okay with. the point is, you have to do what feels right for you. if that means being okay with being fat, great, but if it means not being okay with being fat and trying not to be, great for that, too.


----------



## Snibbity_Diggity! (Aug 13, 2007)

He was a fool. If a woman found me attractive because of my size, that alone would blow my mind. But then I would come to my senses and go with the flow. Not whine about how that makes me uncomfortable.


----------



## jdprovorse (Aug 13, 2007)

congratulations on your closed-minded interpretation of human behavior: "duh, it works for me, it should work for everyone else too".


----------



## Qit el-Remel (Aug 13, 2007)

I know this doesn't help much, but it's not your faultespecially not just for being a FFA. He's clearly got issues of his own, and that's what this is about.

-Qit


----------



## Laina (Aug 13, 2007)

jdprovorse said:


> why is acceptance of what you are always the answer? why is it wrong for a fat person to want to be thin? if it's truly what he wants to be, shouldn't he try to be that? he should only accept himself as fat if he's really okay with it. it may seem an absurd thing to say, but I think it makes a very subtle yet important point: you should only be okay with what you are if you're really okay with what you are. otherwise, you should try and make yourself into the what you can be okay with. the point is, you have to do what feels right for you. if that means being okay with being fat, great, but if it means not being okay with being fat and trying not to be, great for that, too.



Wow, hostile much?

The bottom line is that getting thin isn't a cure-all. You don't suddenly become smarter, more popular, or more confident. You're just thinner. Sure, for some people that's a step in the right direction--but it's not the whole answer. Which is what Missaf was saying: accepting yourself has to be part of the equation. I can hone my body down to the eighty-eight pound mark, which is where I feel comfortable...or I can accept that it's an unrealistic lifestyle and learn to accept myself at a safe, sane 105. Or would getting even thinner make me all better?


----------



## Laina (Aug 13, 2007)

Also: *hugs*. I'm sorry things fell apart the way they did. It's really hard to lose someone because they're unhappy with themselves, especially when you loved them just the way they were. Talk about feeling helpless!


----------



## jdprovorse (Aug 13, 2007)

hostility? really? can someone please explain to me what I said that was openly hostile in any way? she made a point, and I questioned the validity of the point she made, hoping to explore an interesting direction of conversation. there's a name for that, and that name is argumentation. there was no intended hostility in anything I said. any you found there is your own issue.


----------



## Laina (Aug 13, 2007)

jdprovorse said:


> congratulations on your closed-minded interpretation of human behavior: "duh, it works for me, it should work for everyone else too".



How about right there?


----------



## Aireman (Aug 13, 2007)

Way to go Laina! :bow: You tell it like it is!


----------



## jdprovorse (Aug 14, 2007)

so what, you're going to tell me that pointing out how absurd this statement is in a sarcastic manner immediately qualifies as "hostile"? because god forbid someone be sarcastic, ever.

and lest we get caught up in some kind of tangent, the statement IS absurd. The idea of "geeze, just stop whining and see how good you've got it" indicates a clear lack of understanding of human emotion and behavior. and I called the original poster on it. I guess you're not allowed to point out when people say something stupid anymore, because that would be "hostile".



Snibbity_Diggity! said:


> He was a fool. If a woman found me attractive because of my size, that alone would blow my mind. But then I would come to my senses and go with the flow. Not whine about how that makes me uncomfortable.


----------



## likeitmatters (Aug 14, 2007)

on your honesty towards him and that is how it should be. It would appear that he is unsure of himself or insecure which does not surprise me. In this world we have such creatures who will lots of love from the right partner can change that.

Apparently he is listening to somebody or nobody in wanting to lose the weight. And you sound like a gal with her head firmly in place. the one small problem I saw which is just me. 

Is why did you have sex with him? I am a firm believer that you are so much more worth and let them wait. The old addage is "why buy the cow, when you can have the milk at home?" I think that is correct.

Just my two cents..thank you for listening..


----------



## Observer (Aug 14, 2007)

I don't usually jump into this forum, but as a now BHM who fifty years ago started dating BBWs while under 130 (now grandpa with a great BBW grandma fusssing over our rug-rats) and had the same issues I have a thought that may help avoid a lot of pain:

Regardless of sex, those of us who like larger partners know what attracts us - and that's great. But before getting too involved its important to know what the other person feels and is going through relative to their size. You don't have to discusss it, just be alert.

It has been my observation that if a larger person is happy, energetic, kind to others and not at all apologetic for their bulk they're capable of recieving and giving love. If they're focused on reducing, not sociable, inattentive to their grooming, frequently tired and depressed and blaming every problem in sight on their size you can perhaps be their crying towel but they're not ready for love and commitment. 

And that difference is why self-love and acceptance is such an important part of the equation. Given a 95% long term failure rate for diets, those who insist on making their lives focus around losing weight instead of simply accepting and making the best of who they are have a long-term problem that will get in the way of true commitment and love, not to mention personal happiness, success and service to others.

To the original poster: If you understand what I've written and heed it I think you will find a BHM to love "till death do you part." We are out here!


----------



## Laina (Aug 18, 2007)

jdprovorse said:


> so what, you're going to tell me that pointing out how absurd this statement is in a sarcastic manner immediately qualifies as "hostile"? because god forbid someone be sarcastic, ever.
> 
> and lest we get caught up in some kind of tangent, the statement IS absurd. The idea of "geeze, just stop whining and see how good you've got it" indicates a clear lack of understanding of human emotion and behavior. and I called the original poster on it. I guess you're not allowed to point out when people say something stupid anymore, because that would be "hostile".



All of which would be a fantastic argument if the poster was talking to the boy in question. He was not. He was commiserating with a girl who'd just gotten dumped. You jumped on him for...what? A little flirting?

You're quite right. Anecdotal evidence is just that: personal history. However, in the realm of making girls feel better when their hearts have been broken, I'd think that would be acceptable. 

This wasn't a debate on the ettiquette of dating. She was looking for comfort. You, sir, were looking for a fight.


----------



## Laina (Aug 18, 2007)

Observer said:


> I don't usually jump into this forum, but as a now BHM who fifty years ago started dating BBWs while under 130 (now grandpa with a great BBW grandma fusssing over our rug-rats) and had the same issues I have a thought that may help avoid a lot of pain:
> 
> Regardless of sex, those of us who like larger partners know what attracts us - and that's great. But before getting too involved its important to know what the other person feels and is going through relative to their size. You don't have to discusss it, just be alert.
> 
> ...




Beautifully written. Thank you!


----------



## jdprovorse (Aug 21, 2007)

Laina said:


> You jumped on him for...what? A little flirting?
> 
> You, sir, were looking for a fight.


you just couldn't possibly be wronger about either of those things.


----------



## Wanderer (Aug 24, 2007)

jdprovorse said:


> you just couldn't possibly be wronger about either of those things.



If she were completely wrong, you'd've apologized. It's called "social niceties".

Oh, and a minor caveat: "Sarcasm" is a rhetorical device wherein the words used are possessed of the opposite meaning. A phrase beginning with the word "Duh", however, is very plainly an insult, used to impugn the intellect of the target. Allow me to illustrate:

Sarcasm: Well, of _course_ she's wrong! Isn't it obvious that plainly insulting people has nothing to do with being plainly insulting? It's as plain as the nose on the Sphinx's face!

Insult: Oh, yeah, right. "Duh, just because I hit you doesn't mean I wanna fight."

See the difference?

ButterflyBlob: I'm sorry it didn't work out, and even sorrier I'm in Texas; I'd've loved to meet a woman like you. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm hitting on you, but it really is true.

In the meantime, keep in mind that guys are just as targeted by the "skinny media" as anyone else, and just as susceptible to its messages. While there are some of us that appreciate carrying around our chosen weight, there are a lot more out there that have fallen for it hook, line and sinker: The concept that only skinny people are happy, successful, healthy and beautiful. That fat people are stupid, lazy, indecent, gluttonous, and pitiable fools. (Before a certain someone butts in, no, this does not apply to those who actually suffer from their weight. This applies strictly to those who believe you have to look like a young Ah-nold in order to deserve happiness.)

Right now, a part of you probably wants to just give him some time; the only problem is, there's no set timetable on this. He could be working this through for three months, three years, or even the rest of his life.

My advice: Give yourself some time to mourn the relationship, and then (when your friends tell you you have to, because you might not feel up to it) get right back on that horse called "Dating". The absolute worst thing you could do is let these guys' insecurities define you, rather than continuing to be your own wonderful self.

Yours wishing he could hit on you without feeling and acting like a cad,

The well-fed,

Wanderer


----------



## Actor4hire (Aug 24, 2007)

As a guy who has been on both sides of the spectrum (Was one 400, got down to 220 now reside at 285) I didn't think girls were into me when I was 400 because I was fat, then I didn't think girls were into me when I was 220 because I had some loose skin. In the end, I found someone who started to date me @ 230 & as I have put on some weight over the years, it has been a non issue to her. But I could see how a guy who had never been intimate with a woman & was fat, would get scared off. Face it ladies, it is a LOT easier for a BBW to get a date than a BHM. All you need to do is look at the male admirers to female admirers on this board. Could it be somehthing that BHM's, are putting out there? Yeah, probably. But the fact remains there are 1,000,000's of BBW sex sites, how many (straight) BHM sites are there???? 

Now that being said, I think the girl who started this thread just found the wrong guy. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders & will find the right guy. Fat, thin, tall, short, black, white, we all have self esteem issues in the end. It may not always be related to physical apperance, but it is still there... Good luck to you....


----------



## William (Aug 25, 2007)

Hi 

I would also like to add that Dimensions has done more to help BHMs accept their bodies than the rest of Fat Acceptance combined!! A fact that I remind critics of Dimensions.

Before this latest version of Dimensions you never saw Straight BHMs sharing their bodies and you still see far less BHMs on the beach in swim suits than BBWS.

William





Actor4hire said:


> As a guy who has been on both sides of the spectrum (Was one 400, got down to 220 now reside at 285) I didn't think girls were into me when I was 400 because I was fat, then I didn't think girls were into me when I was 220 because I had some loose skin. In the end, I found someone who started to date me @ 230 & as I have put on some weight over the years, it has been a non issue to her. But I could see how a guy who had never been intimate with a woman & was fat, would get scared off. Face it ladies, it is a LOT easier for a BBW to get a date than a BHM. All you need to do is look at the male admirers to female admirers on this board. Could it be somehthing that BHM's, are putting out there? Yeah, probably. But the fact remains there are 1,000,000's of BBW sex sites, how many (straight) BHM sites are there????
> 
> Now that being said, I think the girl who started this thread just found the wrong guy. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders & will find the right guy. Fat, thin, tall, short, black, white, we all have self esteem issues in the end. It may not always be related to physical apperance, but it is still there... Good luck to you....


----------

