# Desperation



## Sasquatch! (Aug 20, 2010)

Partly inspired by 28 Days Later.

Are you desperate? Will you do/say anything to look good attractive to a member of the opposite sex?

Member of the opposite sex-- do you find desperation attractive? Is desperation easily recognisable?


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## Amaranthine (Aug 20, 2010)

Desperation is never attractive. 

Confidence is attractive.
Shyness is attractive. 

But desperation is in a category all it's own. You can DEFINITELY tell from a mile away. If you're going to constantly complain about yourself and throw out reasons why there's something wrong with who you are...OR if you talk about all the things you're not getting...

maybe there's a reason you're not getting them.


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## Mordecai (Aug 20, 2010)

Sasquatch! said:


> Partly inspired by 28 Days Later.
> 
> Are you desperate? Will you do/say anything to look good attractive to a member of the opposite sex?
> 
> Member of the opposite sex-- do you find desperation attractive? Is desperation easily recognisable?



Not desperate... except for a frozen Coke now and again.

Desperation from a potential interest is a turn off - it makes me think that I am the last resort and I do not like that idea at all.


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## CastingPearls (Aug 20, 2010)

Desperation is a turn-off
ENTHUSIASM is a turn-on
***Imagination*** is even better


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## escapist (Aug 20, 2010)

Sasquatch! said:


> Partly inspired by 28 Days Later.
> 
> *Are you desperate? Will you do/say anything to look good attractive to a member of the opposite sex?*
> 
> Member of the opposite sex-- do you find desperation attractive? Is desperation easily recognisable?



That middle one....finding a fuel and a source of ambition isn't exactly a bad thing. I'm sure your speaking of more "In the Moment" kind of stuff where sometimes you act like a fool to get the attention of someone you pine for. There is a way to be motivated without being needy and approval speaking. Some people never find the drive to really improve themselves. They stop evolving their idea's, concepts, and self-perspective and become stuck in a world they have some desperate need to find comfort as it was a moment ago; rather than having the faith and self-confidence to adapt to an unforeseen future.

I'd love to claim that I was always wise or smart but like most people I had to live it all and learn it all the hard way. All I can say from where I am now from where I was then is, WOW. The stuff that once was part of a desperation to find my place in the world was truly the catalyst that gave me the perspective, self-confidence, and understanding to be calm and cool and have faith that everything really is gonna be all right.

(how was that for a run-on sentence filled fun)


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Oh and yeah for those who have the 1,000 mile above view, yeah you can see it coming from very far away....even worse is when you _FEEL_ it! Desperate, Needyness is just a big fat pile of YUCK! Guy or Girl, I doubt anybody can truly feel that and go, "WOW He/She is HOT!".


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## Ninja Glutton (Aug 20, 2010)

Desperation is the biggest turn-off in the world.

I'd rather feel that mutual respect and independent appreciation than neediness and codependence.

It's better when 2 souls meet because their life paths intersect in a complimentary way instead of dominating the other's life completely.


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## rabbitislove (Aug 20, 2010)

Desperation and obviously sleezy attempts to get nothing but ass are unattractive.

Its pretty well known on Dims that I like the kinky stuff, but respect me as a human being and treat me like a princess!

(Then we can talk about you pulling my hair and spanking me...)


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## CastingPearls (Aug 20, 2010)

Ninja Glutton said:


> /snip/It's better when 2 souls meet because their life paths intersect in a complimentary way instead of dominating the other's life completely.



THIS................

Pulling hair and spankings help too.


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## bigpulve (Aug 21, 2010)

As someone who has had to learn this dating thing post high school, I can tell you that desperation is a major turn off. I used to be ungodly desperate just a year ago. Ask my ex about my late night emo texts. lol. Now though it is much different. I have found my calling in life, have given up the person that was holding me back, not herself but rather my fantasy about her blah blah. Right now I am in a stage of life few ever have to go through, but I understand that it will work out soon.

I now rarely get emotional about my situation, I.E no friends I do stuff with, no girl, ect. I have thrown myself into other things and I am very much enjoying them.

back to the topic again any time I feel myself slipping into desperation I just tell myself two things, A. I went without a girlfriend/sex/cuddling(OMG Cuddling) for 4 years and I am just fine and B. You are healthy and strong and a cancer survivor. Now I know the latter doesnt really help anyone else but me, Im just saying that you need to find something that you can use to spring you back to reality and optimism.


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## bigpulve (Aug 21, 2010)

Also the opposite is barely even on my radar right now so no I wont do anything to be attractive to a girl. Im me so fucking take it or leave it. lol


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## BBW4Chattery (Aug 21, 2010)

desperation = turn off, like the others said

i don't think i'm desperate... i'm way too picky to be desperate, i think

i think it's fairly recognizable... if someone with entirely dissimilar interests, background, and future plans tries to hitch up to your wagon... this usually indicates desperation... at least in my experience


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## HeartsBHM (Aug 21, 2010)

This whole issue really irks me, because no one has even tried to define what desperation really means.

For example, I have some male friends that are pretty popular with women
(coincidentally, not BHM) who decided to put the whole desperation theory to the test by trying to proposition women, while giving off all sorts of obvious desperation cues(the kinds of red flags everyone seems to associate with desperation).

And guess what?

The women were receptive to their advances, regardless.

This tells me that apparent desperation is either completely negligible, or it is defined more by physical criteria than behavior.

I think it's mostly the latter, as it seems obvious to me that fat people(especially BHM) are assumed as more desperate than their thinner counterparts(in general society, that is).

And there's not much one can do against this prejudice.

Personally, if desperation means lonliness, I'm not sure I have a problem with it as I'm not one of the many women who needs her affections to be validated by anyone other than my mate.

And if desperation implies neediness, again, I'm not sure that's an unattractive quality in someone I'm evaluating as a potential life time partner.

I guess I'm just weird that way.


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## Amaranthine (Aug 21, 2010)

HeartsBHM said:


> This whole issue really irks me, because no one has even tried to define what desperation really means.
> 
> For example, I have some male friends that are pretty popular with women
> (coincidentally, not BHM) who decided to put the whole desperation theory to the test by trying to proposition women, while giving off all sorts of obvious desperation cues(the kinds of red flags everyone seems to associate with desperation).
> ...



With the definition of desperation itself, I tend to think along the lines of what Odenthalius said. It makes you feel like a last resort- like you're just being chosen because of what you can do and how you look, not who you are. 

If someone is lonely or needy, than I'm more than happy to talk with them and provide them with a friend. If they turn the conversation into a sexual whine fest after we've been talking for less than a day, then I'm not cool with that.


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## thirtiesgirl (Aug 21, 2010)

Amaranthine said:


> Desperation is never attractive.
> 
> Confidence is attractive.
> Shyness is attractive.



Seconded.



Odenthalius said:


> Not desperate... except for a frozen Coke now and again.



You mean you freeze a Coke in the freezer and then eat/drink it? ...Damn, that sounds good. There's a Chili's/TGI Friday's-type burger joint in my area called Islands that makes something called a cola lime ice, which is basically a Coke slushie with lime flavoring. I love it, but I never thought I could re-create it for myself. Duh. I'll have to try that frozen Coke thing. 



HeartsBHM said:


> This whole issue really irks me, because no one has even tried to define what desperation really means.
> 
> For example, I have some male friends that are pretty popular with women
> (coincidentally, not BHM) who decided to put the whole desperation theory to the test by trying to proposition women, while giving off all sorts of obvious desperation cues(the kinds of red flags everyone seems to associate with desperation).
> ...



I think this is actually more a product of two things: one, that women have long been socialized to appease men, to appear agreeable no matter what the circumstances, that they often don't untangle themselves from desperate men as quickly as they might like to. Two, I think there are a large number of women who fall into the "Ms. Fix-it" category, who believe they can "help" a guy out of his desperation. I've fallen into that category more than once or twice, one time spending almost a year with a very desperate guy who lacked a lot of self-confidence. I fell into the trap of thinking I could really "help" him, even though I knew on the surface that he needed to help himself. It took nearly a year to reach my subconscious brain before I finally told myself things weren't going to change and it was time to end the relationship. Not one of my better decisions, to date that guy for so long, but the appeal of trying to "fix" him was apparently too strong for me to ignore.


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## CastingPearls (Aug 21, 2010)

HeartsBHM said:


> This whole issue really irks me, because no one has even tried to define what desperation really means.
> 
> For example, I have some male friends that are pretty popular with women
> (coincidentally, not BHM) who decided to put the whole desperation theory to the test by trying to proposition women, while giving off all sorts of obvious desperation cues(the kinds of red flags everyone seems to associate with desperation).
> ...


Or it could also mean that the women in the experiment were actually more desperate than the men who were 'acting' desperate.


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## WillSpark (Aug 21, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> You mean you freeze a Coke in the freezer and then eat/drink it? ...Damn, that sounds good. There's a Chili's/TGI Friday's-type burger joint in my area called Islands that makes something called a cola lime ice, which is basically a Coke slushie with lime flavoring. I love it, but I never thought I could re-create it for myself. Duh. I'll have to try that frozen Coke thing.


Frozen Coke is quite literally a Coke Slushie. They have certain mixes for them and are heavier on the coke syrup and lighter on the carbonation. You can definitely do it at home but it'll be uneven (flavor sinks to the bottom) and also less flavorful.

My favorites are the Icee style ones from the movie theatres or burger king.


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## djudex (Aug 21, 2010)

In the immortal words of Chief Grady "Desperation is a stinky cologne".


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## thirtiesgirl (Aug 21, 2010)

WillSpark said:


> Frozen Coke is quite literally a Coke Slushie. They have certain mixes for them and are heavier on the coke syrup and lighter on the carbonation. You can definitely do it at home but it'll be uneven (flavor sinks to the bottom) and also less flavorful.
> 
> My favorites are the Icee style ones from the movie theatres or burger king.



Ah. I've been schooled. I didn't know Burger King did slushies...but they're not a place I go when I want fast food, so I would have missed it. Must check that out now.


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## BigChaz (Aug 21, 2010)

I Will Have You. I Must Have You. You Will Be Mine.

You May Not Know It. You May Not See It. But Truthfully You Will Be Mine In This Life.

I Am Watching You. I Am Watching Diligently. One Day You Will Find Yourself In My Arms And You Will Learn To Love It As I Love You.

I Am Not Desperate. I Am Waiting. For You.


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## Mordecai (Aug 21, 2010)

WillSpark said:


> Frozen Coke is quite literally a Coke Slushie. They have certain mixes for them and are heavier on the coke syrup and lighter on the carbonation. You can definitely do it at home but it'll be uneven (flavor sinks to the bottom) and also less flavorful.
> 
> My favorites are the Icee style ones from the movie theatres or burger king.



If you have access to glass bottled Coca-Cola the process is much better and it retains its flavor. That is how the original Coke Icee came about.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Aug 21, 2010)

BigChaz said:


> I Will Have You. I Must Have You. You Will Be Mine.
> 
> You May Not Know It. You May Not See It. But Truthfully You Will Be Mine In This Life.
> 
> ...



your creepy post reminded me of this creepy song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsCV61zsdtA


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## bigpulve (Aug 21, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> your creepy post reminded me of this creepy song.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsCV61zsdtA



I like DCfC.


But try this one for desperation and creepy. :blush:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kQ-0bBkMIY&feature=related


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## LovesBigMen (Aug 21, 2010)

bigpulve said:


> I like DCfC.
> 
> 
> But try this one for desperation and creepy. :blush:
> ...



Hahaha that is creepy xD


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## bigpulve (Aug 21, 2010)

Heres desperation/stalkerish.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaG3PUtWQAE&feature=related


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## bigpulve (Aug 21, 2010)

LovesBigMen said:


> Hahaha that is creepy xD



Is it bad that I absolutely love that song?


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## LovesBigMen (Aug 21, 2010)

bigpulve said:


> Is it bad that I absolutely love that song?



Nope, because sure the words the guy is singing are creepy, but the sound of the song is nice haha.


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## HeartsBHM (Aug 21, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Or it could also mean that the women in the experiment were actually more desperate than the men who were 'acting' desperate.



If I didn't know better I might suspect the same.

As it turns out, these women weren't desperate at all, and were very attractive as well.


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## HeartsBHM (Aug 21, 2010)

Amaranthine said:


> With the definition of desperation itself, I tend to think along the lines of what Odenthalius said. It makes you feel like a last resort- like you're just being chosen because of what you can do and how you look, not who you are.



But how we look, and what we can do is a large part of who we are.

So, I don't see the difference. 




Amaranthine said:


> If someone is lonely or needy, than I'm more than happy to talk with them and provide them with a friend. If they turn the conversation into a sexual whine fest after we've been talking for less than a day, then I'm not cool with that.



I've never found myself in that position, because I realize that the last thing a lonely guy needs is a 'friend'.

So, if there isn't any chemistry, I would rather not waste either of our precious time.


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## HeartsBHM (Aug 21, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> I think this is actually more a product of two things: one, that women have long been socialized to appease men,



I don't know any women who are socialized to unconditionally appease men, but I know plenty of women who expect to be unconditionally appeased by men.

In any case, I think that when someone looks to ingratiate themselves, they are doing so from selfish motives.





thirtiesgirl said:


> to appear agreeable no matter what the circumstances, that they often don't untangle themselves from desperate men as quickly as they might like to. Two, I think there are a large number of women who fall into the "Ms. Fix-it" category,



I've heard this before from my girlfriends, but always in regards to justifying an interest in the bad boy archetype(ex-con, tats, athletic physique, abusive, etc).

But, when it comes to even the most marginal of BHMs, however, their charitable disposition conveniently evaporates.



thirtiesgirl said:


> who believe they can "help" a guy out of his desperation. I've fallen into that category more than once or twice, one time spending almost a year with a very desperate guy who lacked a lot of self-confidence. I fell into the trap of thinking I could really "help" him, even though I knew on the surface that he needed to help himself. It took nearly a year to reach my subconscious brain before I finally told myself things weren't going to change and it was time to end the relationship. Not one of my better decisions, to date that guy for so long, but the appeal of trying to "fix" him was apparently too strong for me to ignore.



If your affection for him was not genuine, that would only reinforce his lack of confidence. 

So, how did you propose to 'fix' him in the first place?


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## Amaranthine (Aug 21, 2010)

HeartsBHM said:


> But how we look, and what we can do is a large part of who we are.
> 
> So, I don't see the difference



Well, how we look is part of who we are but...personality maybe? Interests? Aspirations or insecurities? 

If I'm in a relationship of any kind where none of that matters, then I don't see why I'm there in the first place. If someone doesn't feel like getting to know me first, then they can get whatever they want from someone else. 



> I've never found myself in that position, because I realize that the last thing a lonely guy needs is a 'friend'.
> 
> So, if there isn't any chemistry, I would rather not waste either of our precious time.



And...lonely people don't need friends? Maybe that's not what they're looking for, but would a friend actually HURT them or be the last thing they need? Just sounds a little extreme to me.


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## bladenite78 (Aug 22, 2010)

hmm, I dont like the tone of what "hearts BHM" says, but I understand what they are saying. In all honesty, most, not all, but most people in general, not just women will put up with less desirable traits if the person they are communicating with is physically attractive to said person. That being said, I also understand what BHM means by a friend is the last thing they need, because in the mind of a guy who is in that mindset, I would think he doesnt want female "friends only" types until after he's found a girlfriend because normally being a friends only means "hey you're cool but just not attractive to me". Which make no mistake is what guys hear when they hear "hey we can be friends" unless one of you already has a significant other. And lets face it, nobody wants to be told they are unattractive.


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## HeartsBHM (Aug 22, 2010)

Amaranthine said:


> Well, how we look is part of who we are but...personality maybe? Interests? Aspirations or insecurities?
> 
> If I'm in a relationship of any kind where none of that matters, then I don't see why I'm there in the first place.



Physical attraction.



Amaranthine said:


> If someone doesn't feel like getting to know me first, then they can get whatever they want from someone else.



Can they?

Alot of men don't have many sexual options to begin with, and quite a few have no options at all.

As women, we have more options so we tend to cut our mates less slack(seeing them as more expendable).

But, when the physical chemistry is strong enough, I've seen women 'fall' for the most horrific human beings imaginable(while spinning things around in their own minds to justify something more noble - and more incorruptible - than mere physical chemistry). 



Amaranthine said:


> And...lonely people don't need friends? Maybe that's not what they're looking for, but would a friend actually HURT them or be the last thing they need? Just sounds a little extreme to me.



I can only go by second hand accounts, but such relationships inevitably come to torment them after a time, as a mockery of everything they want, but can never have.

Where do you think the 'friend zone' receives it's dire connotation?

I'd rather not play a hand in such a sadistic dynamic.


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## FishCharming (Aug 22, 2010)

sooo, am i the only person that thinks desperation is hawt?


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## JenFromOC (Aug 22, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> sooo, am i the only person that thinks desperation is hawt?



No. I'm with you. It's so hawwwwt.


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## FishCharming (Aug 22, 2010)

JenFromOC said:


> No. I'm with you. It's so hawwwwt.



*wink* have i mentioned that you're my favorite?


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## WillSpark (Aug 22, 2010)

"Please please please go out with me. I'll take anyone I can get at this point."

Desperation. It's totally sexy.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Aug 22, 2010)

JenFromOC said:


> No. I'm with you. It's so hawwwwt.



I'm so desperate, I'm at the point that I'll fuck anything that moves . . . so you down or what?


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## Mordecai (Aug 22, 2010)

Desperation qualifiers: A pulse*

*this is negotiable


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## Zowie (Aug 22, 2010)

Odenthalius said:


> Desperation qualifiers: A pulse*
> 
> *this is negotiable



Fucking zombie-lover.


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## Mordecai (Aug 22, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> Fucking zombie-lover.



Fucking zombies are people too!


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## JenFromOC (Aug 22, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> I'm so desperate, I'm at the point that I'll fuck anything that moves . . . so you down or what?



Totally. Maybe I could get a foursome with you, Will, and Fish?


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## Dibaby35 (Aug 22, 2010)

The desperate ones are always the ones crying that nobody respects them I find. "Why didn't he call me after I gave him everything on the first date, I've called him 100 times!!?" Here's a simple rule. If you can't respect yourself enough then you can't expect anyone else to respect you either. 

Respect yourself


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## CastingPearls (Aug 23, 2010)

HeartsBHM said:


> If I didn't know better I might suspect the same.
> 
> As it turns out, these women weren't desperate at all, and were very attractive as well.


Being attractive doesn't necessarily preclude one from being desperate or insecure. It just means they're attractive. I am acquainted with plenty of beautiful women who seem desperate or insecure.

I don't know the kind of women or men you know but your own personal anecdotes are far far removed from those of myself and my friends which further reinforces my belief that desperation and everyone's interpretation of it is a matter of perception. Your truth (and observations) like mine are subjective unless there's real research or analysis to back it up.


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## HeartsBHM (Aug 23, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Being attractive doesn't necessarily preclude one from being desperate or insecure.



In the sense of being sexually desperate(which is the popular meaning), I would most definitely disagree.




CastingPearls said:


> It just means they're attractive. I am acquainted with plenty of beautiful women who seem desperate or insecure.



But *what* are they desperate for?

Are they desperate for a physically attractive sexual partner, or desperate for a fairy-tale prince(or movie star) to carry them off to his castle? 

These are very different things, and the only desperate beautiful women I know, are desperate in the latter sense, *not* the former. 



CastingPearls said:


> I don't know the kind of women or men you know but your own personal anecdotes are far far removed from those of myself and my friends which further reinforces my belief that desperation and everyone's interpretation of it is a matter of perception. Your truth (and observations) like mine are subjective unless there's real research or analysis to back it up.



It's pretty much a common assumption that attractive women aren't desperate.

But, I have a great idea.

Since you know so many desperate beautiful women, why don't we start another thread and try pairing them up with all the lonely BHM on this site?

If these women are legitimately desperate, we should get plenty of takers, both ways.

Unfortunately, I don't personally know of any women who are desperate enough(as my BHM brother can attest).


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## Mortx (Aug 23, 2010)

I've lived long enough to know whether Your a Man or Woman, is NEVER be deserate for someones' attention. They will either hate You or take advantage.


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## CastingPearls (Aug 23, 2010)

HeartsBHM said:


> In the sense of being sexually desperate(which is the popular meaning), I would most definitely disagree.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Then we'll just have to agree to disagree.

They are desperate for attention. When they receive it, they don't think they deserve it. It's an ugly cycle. I'm also of the opinion that you're being deliberately obtuse and in fact, don't get out much, but I concede that I could be in error. The whole 'she's looking for a fairy tale castle thing' is a lame excuse bitter men pipe up with when all they bring to the table is baloney and poor hygiene. By the way, alt users can be created nefariously, but styles don't change. You're getting sloppy, pal.

Assumption? I don't know if YOUR opinion only qualifies as a 'common assumption'.

Nice idea but I don't pimp out my friends and acquaintances. If you're feeling so inclined to be philanthropic, please, volunteer to locate women for your brother. However, if their attitude and assumptions are anything like yours, it's doubtful it's their size that's holding them back.


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## Paquito (Aug 23, 2010)

Making a female profile doesn't make your identity any less obvious, Delineator.


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## bigpulve (Aug 23, 2010)

Paquito said:


> Making a female profile doesn't make your identity any less obvious, Delineator.


I was just thinking that.


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## Paquito (Aug 23, 2010)

Take a bow with me, CastingPearls? 

A job well done I think.


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## CastingPearls (Aug 23, 2010)

*bow* and a heiney squeeze to my little beefcake.


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## LovesBigMen (Aug 23, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> *bow* and a heiney squeeze to my little beefcake.



Wow your posts words changed xD when I finished typing and saw it after I was like that said time out before and here I am I will stop now xD


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## Paquito (Aug 23, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> *bow* and a heiney squeeze to my little beefcake.



This is why I love my job. :wubu:


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## CastingPearls (Aug 23, 2010)

LovesBigMen said:


> Wow your posts words changed xD when I finished typing and saw it after I was like that said time out before and here I am I will stop now xD


He is on timeout but it was obvious so I just omitted the obvious and responded to Paquito instead. No, you're not crazy...at least not about this.


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## LovesBigMen (Aug 23, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> He is on timeout but it was obvious so I just omitted the obvious and responded to Paquito instead. No, you're not crazy...at least not about this.



Haha well it's good to know I am not crazy well at least not about this


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