# Feeling Conflicted



## Durin (Apr 12, 2018)

This post could go in the FA Forum or the Health Forum it's a tossup.

Recently because of a calm non-fat shaming talk with my doctor I have decided to change the way I have approached eating for my entire life. The reason is because I am borderline type 2 diabetic.

I am a fairly stout guy for my height 5'7" 272lbs In addition to being an FA I have always loved/indulged in food. I don't mind being a fat guy but I really don't want to become diabetic. 

Since I have started to change the way I eat I sort of feel like I am betraying my FAness. I love fat women and love food. Now I am throwing the half of my loves overboard.

It's creepily made me feel like more of a feeder because since I can't eat I whole chocolate cake in one sitting I really want to watch someone else do so. 
Could this be the reason why many thin relatives go from Fat Shaming to Feeding. At least they can get vicarious pleasure out of watching someone else eat?

I really feel conflicted about changing my ways. Input would be appreciated.


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## Tracii (Apr 12, 2018)

If you are borderline diabetic then take care of you first and don't worry about your FAness.
If you need to change for your health then there is no question do it and don't look back.
Your FAness is a fetish and not something you can betray.
I don't understand why people are so conflicted these days.
You know what you need to do so do it and maybe you can avoid diabetes all together.


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## Durin (Apr 12, 2018)

I agree

That's why I am changing my habits but I do feel weird about it. 

It seems a little bigger than a fetish in my brain


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## loopytheone (Apr 13, 2018)

I totally understand what you mean, Durin. It's not just a fetish, it becomes a big part of who you are and it feels really jarring to suddenly have that taken away. I understand that feeling weird, in addition to how hard it must be to suddenly change your daily habits so much. I'd really struggle with it too.

That said, you are definitely doing the right thing in putting your health first. Focus on getting yourself healthy, and then you can do some thinking and work out how best to balance your new lifestyle choices and your FAness. It will be hard, but I'm sure you'll do great and I'm hoping your health improves.


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## LJ Rock (Apr 24, 2018)

I went through a very similar experience about ten years ago; I've made several posts/mentions about it here over the years. I was 35 years old, I'd put on a lot of weight in a short period of time - partially because of my propensity toward liking all things fat, but mostly I feel because of a drastic shift in my lifestyle. I had started working a 9 to 5 office job, and thus had started spending lots of hours on my posterior staring at computer screens. 

It was right around my thirty-fifth birthday that I had started to notice that I was constantly thirsty, and everything I drank went right through me. Having grown up knowing diabetic family members, I had reason to be concerned. In short, I went to the doctor, pricked my finger, blood sugar was over 200 - he said, "yup, you got it." 

Really, what I likely had was more of a pre-diabetic condition, nonetheless I took no chances and took the doctors order very seriously. Both of my paternal grandparents were diabetic and suffered terribly, and I really wanted to avoid the same fate. Sometimes in life, we are forced to break ourselves out of a comfort zone we have come to know well and make a decision for ourselves and our greater good. This was certainly one of those times for me. 

Rather than thinking of it as "betrayal" of some sort of value system, it is better to think of it as redefining part of who you are. You've made a choice, that increasing your odds of having a longer, healthier life means more to you than actively indulging in pursuits regarding feedism or gaining. If these things are a part of you, then they likely always will be - only now you have to learn to change your relationship with them.


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## extra_m13 (Apr 24, 2018)

not a nice subject for sure but a difficult to ignore for a long time and impossible to ignore forever. there are harsh and unpleasant realities of gaining weight that do happen. it is just no realistic for someone to be severely overweight for a long time, or as you said, to eat a whole cake just as a snack, and to do that for a long period of time without having an overall health worse than the boring life of not doing anything of the fun stuff, choices are difficult... thanks for sharing and well, you are on time to decide what you really want. just make peace with it.


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## Tad (Apr 25, 2018)

Durin, 

Most of twenty years ago I originally wrote an essay on the original Dimensions boards, which I later re-posted on this iteration of the boards, rather pretentiously called "On the Limits of Growth.". You can find it here;
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=24719&highlight=Beatles
(When I reposted I was using the user name Edx, btw)

I was a lot younger and more callow back then, and wasn't even considering health issues like diabetes, but the overall sentiment is one that I still remind myself of all the time. And 
I hope that maybe that sentiment helps you feel a bit better about the changes you have made?


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