# Supporting somebody with depression?



## Gingembre (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm not sure if this is entirely the correct place for this, but I couldn't think of a better one, so I shall press on regardless!

My significant other has just been put on antidepressants, caused primarily by stress at work. This in itself has made him more miserable because, it transpired, that he was on antidepressants for a while about 7 years ago and he thought it was a one-off, whereas now he's realising that he may well have periods where he relies on medication forever. He's been signed off work for a week but even though he's not there, he's not sleeping more than 2-4 hours a night which also isn't helping. 

By nature, I'm a fixer. I want to take away people's problems and make everything ok...but there's not really anything I can do to fix this, which I'm finding hard to deal with. I hate that he's so down and I can't cheer him up or make it all better. I also live 200 miles away, so I can't pop round for a cuppa and a cuddle, or take him out for the day, or do much of anything. I call him everyday for some idle chitchat and to talk about our days, but I'm just not really sure what to do or say or how to act, which is why I'm posting this message. I don't want to be constantly asking him how he is, even though I want to know all the time, and, as much as it's in my nature to do so, I don't want to bombard him with job vacancies/herbal remedies/anything else I can research that may be of use. I know that'll be overbearing, and I know that if I start doing that, he's likely to shut me out and say he can't deal with it (me!)...I definitely don't want that to happen!

So, I feel stuck. Without telling him what to do (because nothing i could advise him to do would fix it), I don't know what to say. When he tells me he feels like a zombie, or only had 2 hours sleep, I'm like "oh no...I'm sorry..." and that's about it, which feels rubbish. When says this will probably be upto a year of his life gone, I say something along the lines of "you don't know that, you shouldn't write-off a whole year, just take things a day at a time" which also feels a bit....cliched?...insubstantial? I really want to be supportive but I don't know how. Help! 


ETA...we haven't been "together" very long (and only a couple of months before I moved away to uni, which is why I used inverted commas, because we're seeing how things go) and I think this situation has made me panic a little because I have dated people who have suffered from bouts of depression before. In both cases, I have stood by them, only to be left behind when they recover and fly away. I really really really like this guy and I'm terrified this is going to happen again...I think it's partly why I am so desperate to do the right thing.


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## spiritangel (Oct 17, 2012)

Ginger sometimes that little bit of Idle chit chat makes all the difference.

Sometimes just knowing you have someone in your corner helps as well.

Its not easy, just remember to take it a day at a time and that you are doing the best you can as well.

lots of hugs I wish I was more help.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 17, 2012)

Chronic depression is the third person in any relationship. It takes over, sometimes completely and mercilessly without end, the person you love, or you yourself and sometimes, no...to be honest...often, it kills the relationship no matter how much you or your partner tries to avoid that. It's harder when someone doesn't want to take their meds for whatever reason, which are sometimes very legitimate and sometimes insufferably unreasonable and it makes you feel like you're third place. Your partner doesn't like it either. They have to live with it and often in the fear that they're never going to be in a healthy committed relationship and this too causes anxiety and tension between partners. No matter what you say, part of them knows you mean so well, and loves you for it and part of them hears criticism and hates you for it and yet another part of them hates themselves for having to deal with it, putting you through it, wishing they didn't have it. Don't suppress yourself. Express yourself honestly and make sure you have enough outlets to work out your stress dealing with this when they're not emotionally strong or available. 

I suggest that you take care of yourself and your needs and always take your OWN emotional temperature. No matter how much you love someone, you can't save them. You can inspire and encourage (I speak from experience with several depressed men) but in the end, it takes a lot of hard hard work. Don't lose sight of yourself, or sacrifice your own happiness because depression is a very very selfish disease and in the throes of the worst of it, the person can behave very selfishly and make unreasonable demands on you. If you can get some counseling or therapy, that would be useful. Either way, you CAN keep a journal of your thoughts and experiences, good and bad and look back on them when you need inner strength and support.


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## largenlovely (Oct 17, 2012)

Wait a minute lol...don't be the doomsday prophet lol

People can go on to have perfectly normal relationships even if they deal with depression. I was actually pretty badly depressed. I didn't realize exactly HOW depressed I was until I got on meds that brought me out of it.

Sure, I still have some sad moments but who doesn't. My experience with the meds has been nothing but 100% positive. It can be a little more difficult if someone doesn't get prescribed the right thing at first I suppose but with a little trial and error, I would imagine most people can do very well on the meds.

As far as I'm concerned, if taking 1 pill for the rest of my life keeps me from being depressed, then I'm all for it


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## toni (Oct 17, 2012)

largenlovely said:


> Wait a minute lol...don't be the doomsday prophet lol
> 
> People can go on to have perfectly normal relationships even if they deal with depression. I was actually pretty badly depressed. I didn't realize exactly HOW depressed I was until I got on meds that brought me out of it.
> 
> ...



I totally agree with you. Medication has made me feel human again. It is a miracle.


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## toni (Oct 17, 2012)

spiritangel said:


> Ginger sometimes that little bit of Idle chit chat makes all the difference.
> 
> Sometimes just knowing you have someone in your corner helps as well.
> 
> ...



This is so true. When you are depressed you feel alone, isolated and everything feels difficult. Knowing you have an ally can make all the difference.

Try to be there for him as much as possible. I am sure he appreciates your chit chat.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm no doomsday prophet. I deal with depression myself. But I'm not going to sugarcoat anything and pretend it's rainbows and unicorns. That doesn't help anyone. Yes, absolutely you can have a good relationship with someone who has depression. I've had them. That being said, there are ups and downs and then there can be multiple trips to or stays in the hospital and a lot of stress on the partner who needs resources if it happens. Her bf was just put on meds. He may not have even leveled off yet and there are many people who don't take their meds, and many people for whom meds don't work or only work temporarily or partially. Gingembre has common sense and can take or leave anything anyone tells her. 

G, I hope it all works out for you, honestly, but if you ask, I'm going to tell you the way I see it. I've had experiences with men with chronic depression. I've battled long-term situational depression. I've lived this from both sides. If others don't agree, they're more than welcome to share their experiences. We can all benefit from other viewpoints and none aren't necessarily wrong.


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## toni (Oct 17, 2012)

People with depression can have normal relationships but CP does have a point. It can be a long tough road before everything falls into place. G has to decide if it is worth the struggle.


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## largenlovely (Oct 18, 2012)

I hear ya but not everybody has it *that* bad. Once I took my medication and became regulated, within a month, I was a whole whole lot better.

When I read your post, it made ME depressed lol

Seriously, some people are not to the point that it's gonna be a huge struggle all their lives. I've been on the medication two years and my life has improved by leaps and bounds. (ETA Correction...almost 3 yrs now)

Some people just need a little bit of help and her boyfriend very well may be one of those people. 

To me, your post read as if she were going to have a lifetime of grief and sadness because she may choose to be involved with someone who is suffering from depression. 

It all depends on the person. He may or may not be one of the more difficult cases ...then again, it very well could be all rainbows and butterflies after he becomes regulated on the right medication.


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## largenlovely (Oct 18, 2012)

Or I should say my outlook has improved by leaps and bounds...sometimes my life still sucks lol


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## CastingPearls (Oct 18, 2012)

I apologize that I depressed you or anyone else. That wasn't my intent. I don't believe everyone is like that, and maybe not most. That being said, it happens often. Being prepared *hope for the best, prepare for the worst* or as much as one can be, can help in the long run. 

You're awesome, M AND T, and so am I and L and A, everyone here on this thread, in fact. And some of you I know better than others but I think all of us who battle depression whether we have it, or our partner does, know it's tough but we hope for the best. In the end, we're all fighting for what we think is worth it. I hope it's worth it because I know *we* are.


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## largenlovely (Oct 18, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> I apologize that I depressed you or anyone else. That wasn't my intent. I don't believe everyone is like that, and maybe not most. That being said, it happens often. Being prepared *hope for the best, prepare for the worst* or as much as one can be, can help in the long run.
> 
> You're awesome, M AND T, and so am I and L and A, everyone here on this thread, in fact. And some of you I know better than others but I think all of us who battle depression whether we have it, or our partner does, know it's tough but we hope for the best. In the end, we're all fighting for what we think is worth it. I hope it's worth it because I know *we* are.



You didn't really depress me  I was exaggerating for effect lol...but I get ya. I just wanted to point it out. My anti-depressants were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was silently battling suicidal tendencies myself. I thank God every day that I was too chicken shit to ever do anything about it lol. Years ago, when my brother died (I was 18 at the time), the doc put me on prozac and I had a horrible experience. I quit the meds and didn't even contemplate trying again til this last time So this time, I told the doc I didn't want anything remotely related to prozac. That did the trick

So I understand what u mean...sometimes finding the right meds can take a minute but this go round, they have improved my life greatly. Had I not been taking them while dealing with all those surgeries, I would've been a complete basket case.

But before the meds, I was miserable, I was making everyone else miserable, I always had a chip on my shoulder and a bad attitude. I was ready to fight at the drop of a hat and then would cry afterwards, binge eating, suicidal..my family and those close to me were being tortured by me. I was being tortured by me. It was a miserable existence for me.

Maybe I'm fortunate that the meds have done the trick and were exactly what I needed but I'm sure greatful that they work


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## largenlovely (Oct 18, 2012)

toni said:


> I totally agree with you. Medication has made me feel human again. It is a miracle.



D'oh, forgot to respond to this one  

I feel the same way about my meds. Some people are bothered by the idea of having to take meds to feel normal...not me. I guess I just don't wanna ever have to go back to what I was so I'm glad these babies work lol


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## toni (Oct 18, 2012)

largenlovely said:


> I hear ya but not everybody has it *that* bad. Once I took my medication and became regulated, within a month, I was a whole whole lot better.



You are very lucky. It took me over a year and 4 doctors to find someone who could and was willing to medicate me properly. I am a "smiley" person by nature. It was hard convincing doctors I was depressed. I was told you are smiling at me, how can I believe you are depressed? Meanwhile, I couldn't get out of bed, wasn't sleeping properly and turning to street drugs to self medicate. That didn't matter because I couldn't turn off the smiles. A doctor should know that is a defense mechanism. Whatever. 

Once I was prescribed the right cocktail, I was regulated within a week. Pretty much a miracle.


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## largenlovely (Oct 18, 2012)

toni said:


> You are very lucky. It took me over a year and 4 doctors to find someone who could and was willing to medicate me properly. I am a "smiley" person by nature. It was hard convincing doctors I was depressed. I was told you are smiling at me, how can I believe you are depressed? Meanwhile, I couldn't get out of bed, wasn't sleeping properly and turning to street drugs to self medicate. That didn't matter because I couldn't turn off the smiles. A doctor should know that is a defense mechanism. Whatever.
> 
> Once I was prescribed the right cocktail, I was regulated within a week. Pretty much a miracle.



My doctor is aaaawesome though. I love him. He has really helped me fix a few things from finding my bad hip, depression and my thyroid. 

I told him I was feeling suicidal though and said it was scaring me. He made me see a therapist for a minute before he would prescribe me anything. I got a note from the therapist and then he gave me something.

I smoke weed...still do but it helps mellow me out. I don't do it every day. Maybe twice a month but hey, I figure whatever helps. 

My first 2 weeks on the anti-depressant were a wild ride lol...but by a months time, I had seen a vast improvement. It took my family a while before they believed I was actually better and for up to a year, if they would piss me off I would have to hear them make shitty comments like "are u taking ur meds???"

I had to explain to them that just because I was on meds that kept me from being depressed didn't mean I was gonna put up witth shit lol

My best friend is bipolar and she has a rough time with meds but thank God mine worked for me.


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## Gingembre (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your insights, honest views and opinions. It means a lot and has definitely given me some food for thought. We've a long road ahead, especially with regards to sorting out his job situation (i think he might quit next week so he can leave at xmas....it'd do him good to be out of there, but if he doesnt find another quickly he'll have a different set of problems), but I want us to be in it together, for now at least.


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## moore2me (Oct 19, 2012)

I learned more this week why depressed people and those with other personality problems and clinically diagnosed mental diseases have such a hard time. During the Presidential Debate 2 between Obama and Rhomney, the men brought it up that people with mental diseases should not be allowed to own handguns.

I know the men were talking about the Red Haired Colorado killer and some other recent stone cold killers (young and old), who have gotten firearms and gone into crowds of innocents shooting and killing people at random. However, for every couple of lunatic murderers who engage in this behavior with firearms, there are thousands of mentally ill people who wouldn't hurt anyone (except perhaps themselves).

I have seen mentally ill people in hospitals, in nursing homes, in private homes and on the streets. Most of them are not agressive - they are just very sad or very confused. They cannot function in our modern rat race society. Only a tiny fraction of psychiatric cases would take up a gun and use it as a weapon against another person. Many of the mentally ill are just like me, guns scare me and confuse me. Loud noises scare the crap out of me.

No one took issue with the Presidental candidates lumping the mentally ill into one group of violent gun-seeking killers. I think it's time someone filled them in on reality about the mentally ill.


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## lypeaches (Oct 23, 2012)

M2M, I thought the exact same thing.


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