# What do FAs mean when they say Confidence?



## Keb (Aug 8, 2009)

I've seen so many FAs write that they want a "confident BBW", but I'd love to get a discussion going on what that phrase actually means to FAs. I suspect that there are many different aspects of it, and it's going to vary a lot by who is saying it. At the same time, since people tend to be confident about some things and not confident about others, is there a specific sort of confidence that FAs in general are seeking (like sexual)? Confident people in general are attractive...what makes a Confident BBW different?

I'd love to hear your answers.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Aug 8, 2009)

Did you ever come across a copy of that bestseller from the '70's, _I'm OK -- You're OK_? That's pretty much what confidence means to me: someone who thinks he or she is -- perhaps not _better_ than the next person -- but equally good and deserving. If you need an example, go look in the mirror.


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## rollhandler (Aug 9, 2009)

To me the level of confidence speaks to the person themselves. A woman fat or thin who walks around looking like the world is against them tends to have a look about them that tends toward negative self image more than anything, but is also reflected in my experience with how they manage themselves as well. 

A woman who has confidence holds her head up, dresses well, grooms better and has a more positive air about her that she is ready to tackle whatever the day throws at her. She is aware of how society views fat women and she is prepared to live life passionately regardless of this view. 

Confidence in a fat girl whether real or merely portrayed to the outside world is something that I find attractive regardless of her actual body self image, although in a confident woman that confidence usually shows through to a more self positive body image. It says to the world "I accept me as an attractive woman and if you don't agree, who cares? You can move on." She seems confident as a person and a woman, and it shows in how she carries herself and portrays herself externally to the world in deportment and dress. 

When I speak of confidence it is an outward appearance and manner of how she carries herself that regardless of body image seems like a stronger person psycologically and emotionally who possesses a sense of worthiness of the attention of admirers and friends alike. She tends to care for herself better because she feels she is worth the extra attention she pays to herself to look this way and how it seems to make her feel that she may be viewed in the public eye.
Rollhandler


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## The Orange Mage (Aug 9, 2009)

All I ask...is for confidence that I am being completely honest when I say she looks great...that she looks hot...that's she cute as heck, and so on.

Basically if she knows I'm an FA, hangs around after that fact, but acts all "DO NOT WANT" about the actions that go along with my FA-ness then we have a problem.


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## Observer (Aug 9, 2009)

Signs of BBW confidence -

1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone 

2. Willing to go anywhere or do anything she likes with her SO (beach, dinner, concert, visiting relatives etc) without being held back by size considerations 

3. Having a wardrobe that looks classy

4. Being able to eat what she wants in a restaurant without apologizing

5. Able to deflect well-meant but unwanted advice on her size without feeling guilty

6. Ability to accept sincere compliments and praise of her SO as being genuine and merited.

7. Abiity to look herself in a mirrror naked and not feel guilty or ashamed.​


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## EtobicokeFA (Aug 9, 2009)

I always thought of the term "confident BBW", meant that a BBW is not ashamed of their body.


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## PeriodicLurker (Aug 9, 2009)

Hey, this totally transcends BBW's and FA's and all that stuff...._everybody's _attracted to confidence. When somebody radiates confidence, other people trust that that person knows a lot more than they do, and that they can then cede some of their own responsibilities to that person. Outside of romance, people are attracted to confident salespeople because they behave as if they know more about themselves, the topic in question, and even yourself than you could ever know (this is why men and women alike will pay $700 to ogle Tony Robbins for a weekend seminar while he babbles absolutely worthless self-help b.s.)

I'm definitely attracted to BBW's, but even when I see a tit-less, ultra-thin club-hopping girl strutting around like she knows so much more than I do, well, I have to make sure that my pants are baggy around the waist. (And that arousal gets compounded a ton on that rare occasion that I've seen a voluptuous woman acting confidently.) But when somebody behaves like they don't know who they are and how others perceive them, it might not be a turn-_off_, necessarily, but it's definitely not gonna trigger passion, that's for sure.


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## bdog (Aug 10, 2009)

Hmm...

I look for beauty, intelligence, depth, a sense of humor, a good heart, integrity, and that sort of thing more than I look for confidence. Thin women with confidence don't give me erections, unlike the previous poster.

I know a few people who are confident, and they're also douche-bags, or at least people I'd never want to date. So, to me, I'm more interested in someone who is the bomb, rather than someone who thinks they're the bomb.

That being said, it's hard to get excited about someone who's not excited about life, and being excited about life generally implies some degree of confidence.


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## rollhandler (Aug 10, 2009)

bdog said:


> Hmm...
> 
> I look for beauty, intelligence, depth, a sense of humor, a good heart, integrity, and that sort of thing more than I look for confidence. Thin women with confidence don't give me erections, unlike the previous poster.
> 
> ...



I believe you are confusing confidence with arrogance and / or conceitedness.
Rollhandler


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## CrankySpice (Aug 10, 2009)

I find it very interesting that two of the FA responses here equate "confidence" with a nice wardrobe and an interest in make-up/hairstyle.

As a woman, I would say that those particular traits aren't associated with confidence - I've known plenty of snappy dressers with the entire hair/nails/make-up package that are sorely lacking in confidence. 

Likewise, I know several "plain" women who perhaps dress more for comfort than style or who don't care to take the time for fancy hairstyles or make-up who just absolutely ooze confidence.


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## Tad (Aug 10, 2009)

This seems to be one of those questions that probably have no good, or at least conclusive, answer.

Given that FA are about as homogeneous a group as 'people who are left-handed' I don't claim to speak for other FA (and hopefully nor will they claim to speak for me). Also 'confidence' almost always requires a more to be meaningful....confindence in one's musical ability, confidence in your value as a person, confidence that you look great, confidence that you can manipulate others are all types of confidence, and all completely different from each other. What type of confidence a particular person is referring to is pretty much impossible to know without context.

Having said all of that, my _guess_ would be that most often this would mean either social confidence or sexual confidence, but that is just a guess.

(and I hope that whenever I've talked about confidence I've been more specific about what I meant. I probably haven't always been clear, so my apologies for any time that I wasn't)


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## bdog (Aug 10, 2009)

rollhandler said:


> I believe you are confusing confidence with arrogance and / or conceitedness.
> Rollhandler



I don't think so. Confidence and arrogance mean different things, and they can be found in the same person simultaneously. 

If someone has depth and a good heart, well, those will probably mean that a person isn't arrogant. 

Or, in other words, confidence is a great trait, but it's not a virtue.

I think maybe it's just not as high on the list of traits I'm attracted to because I can see potential in people.


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## bdog (Aug 10, 2009)

Tad said:


> Given that FA are about as homogeneous a group as 'people who are left-handed' I don't claim to speak for other FA (and hopefully nor will they claim to speak for me). Also 'confidence' almost always requires a more to be meaningful....confindence in one's musical ability, confidence in your value as a person, confidence that you look great, confidence that you can manipulate others are all types of confidence, and all completely different from each other. What type of confidence a particular person is referring to is pretty much impossible to know without context.



Agreed... 

and might I add that the big difference I see is outward confidence vs inward self-assuredness. Very different forms of confidence... sometimes coupled together, but many times a person has more of one than the other.


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## StarWitness (Aug 10, 2009)

CrankySpice said:


> I find it very interesting that two of the FA responses here equate "confidence" with a nice wardrobe and an interest in make-up/hairstyle.
> 
> As a woman, I would say that those particular traits aren't associated with confidence - I've known plenty of snappy dressers with the entire hair/nails/make-up package that are sorely lacking in confidence.
> 
> Likewise, I know several "plain" women who perhaps dress more for comfort than style or who don't care to take the time for fancy hairstyles or make-up who just absolutely ooze confidence.



Agreed. If anything, I think it takes a lot of confidence to publicly and consciously buck the expectations of one's gender.

With regards to the original topic... when it comes to confidence, I'm interested in guys who are okay with themselves and where they are in life. 

I've noticed that a lot of BHM/FFA stories in the library feature a BHM who is very insecure and doesn't believe the FFA is interested in him, and a lot of the scenes involve him being suspicious of her motives, and her trying to simultaneously bolster his confidence and woo him. I don't share the attraction to that relationship pattern; I'd want to be with a guy who isn't going to rely on me for a self-esteem boost.


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## rollhandler (Aug 10, 2009)

bdog said:


> Hmm...
> 
> I look for beauty, intelligence, depth, a sense of humor, a good heart, integrity, and that sort of thing more than I look for confidence. Thin women with confidence don't give me erections, unlike the previous poster.
> 
> ...



To explain what I mean in this.
Your post contradicted itself by describing the traits of what you called confidence and implied that you wouldn't want to date someone with these traits. These traits that you described are arrogance and conceitedness.

Later in the post you defined confidence differently and mentioned that this trait would be acceptable to appreciate and attract you. That is all that I was speaking to in my post to you. In the first part the traits you describe are a form of confidence taken to the extreme but are defined as arrogance and conceit.

I am not slamming you by any means but merely correcting a common misconception in definition of the terms implied in context.
If you don't agree, that's fine. I don't want to argue, it's just my two cents worth.
Rollhandler


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## CurvaceousBBWLover (Aug 11, 2009)

Observer said:


> Signs of BBW confidence -
> 
> 1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone
> 
> ...



You must spread the rep around before giving it to Observer again. Can somebody rep him for me, please?


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## CurvaceousBBWLover (Aug 11, 2009)

Keb said:


> I've seen so many FAs write that they want a "confident BBW", but I'd love to get a discussion going on what that phrase actually means to FAs. I suspect that there are many different aspects of it, and it's going to vary a lot by who is saying it. At the same time, since people tend to be confident about some things and not confident about others, is there a specific sort of confidence that FAs in general are seeking (like sexual)? Confident people in general are attractive...what makes a Confident BBW different?
> 
> I'd love to hear your answers.



A confident BBW is:

1. someone who lives her life as she sees fit and does not loose sleep at night wondering what other people thing from one minute to the next. She ignores the people with mediocre minds and lifes life vigorously and courageously. 

2. someone who takes pride in herself and in her appearance.

3. someone who does not throw herself at every man in sight.

4. someone who likes herself and has enthusiasm for life.


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## bigmac (Aug 11, 2009)

Keb said:


> I've seen so many FAs write that they want a "confident BBW", but I'd love to get a discussion going on what that phrase actually means to FAs. I suspect that there are many different aspects of it, and it's going to vary a lot by who is saying it. At the same time, since people tend to be confident about some things and not confident about others, is there a specific sort of confidence that FAs in general are seeking (like sexual)? Confident people in general are attractive...what makes a Confident BBW different?
> 
> I'd love to hear your answers.



For me its the opposite of timid. When I was single and dating I met (or at least corresponded with) far too many women who were afraid to let themselves enjoy life. They were afraid to give out their phone number and take an internet relationship to the next level. Afraid to meet for coffee or diner. Afraid to actually enjoy themselves once they actually decided to go on a date. They let apprehension rule their lives and they are NOT fun to hangout with.

In contrast confident women make decisions that give them the chance to enjoy life. They know that not every date will work out but they keep going on dates because they innately know that sitting at home is not a viable option. 

If I remember correctly my wife gave me her phone number in her second email; we agreed to meet after a few phone calls; she took me home after our first date; and agreed to marry me on our third date -- definitely not a timid lady. There's something really sexy about a woman who just goes after what she wants and doesn't play games.


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## UMBROBOYUM (Aug 11, 2009)

Keb said:


> I've seen so many FAs write that they want a "confident BBW", but I'd love to get a discussion going on what that phrase actually means to FAs. I suspect that there are many different aspects of it, and it's going to vary a lot by who is saying it. At the same time, since people tend to be confident about some things and not confident about others, is there a specific sort of confidence that FAs in general are seeking (like sexual)? Confident people in general are attractive...what makes a Confident BBW different?
> 
> I'd love to hear your answers.



Its a long write so bare with me 


A confident person is a confident person regardless of what or who they are I think. In other words I think what Some FAs mean when they want a confident woman, Is that they want someone who isn't always going to be insecure on how the feel about themselves and their own feelings of others. In other words I think most men/women want someone who is humble yet strong in their convictions in life. Since you asked specifically about FAs I can try to answer that in an accurate manner even though I'm Bi-sizual in terms of attraction. There is a confidence that i noted FAs and men in general want. The confidence of secure feelings about ones self. 


For example a friend of mine once dated this nice woman. She was friendly sincere and a whole bunch of other great things, however she was always worried about things like if she making him happy or she consistently admit to me that she questioned whether or not he really liked her or if she looked good. She sometimes ask me before seeing her b/f and I'd tell she looked fine. This never seemed to have change her opinion of herself much though. I wont go into details but I analyzed what she was saying and ask her how she felt and she told me she thought she was no good sometimes based on her former relationships with guys and her family at home. As a result she had little to no confidence in herself. She thought "I'm no good so why would he ever like me for real?" This is and was most unfortunate for them both.


I saw that she didn't trust in my friend's feelings about her and her worth, and as result this discourage my friend to no end. He'd try to make the best of it, but she never really acknowledge his true intentions and feelings. If she had been less worried then I think they could have enjoyed themselves more. I remember a bunch of her friends and mine and myself tried to make her feel more confident. Our efforts were in vain though. I learned that sometimes you can't help someone feel confident unless they allow you to. To say the least, I and others spent a lot time to help her and it still didn't make a difference except for the fact that we were tired. You can only ask so much and go so far.


With that in mind I think Men seek confidence in bbws because there is less strain on their emotion strength. In other words if a guy said he thought his gal was beautiful and great and she always replied negatively about herself, the guy usually ends up thinking "Well, if shes saying that, Do i really make her happy? Does it matter at all what I say or do? What do I do to get her to smile and feel good?" 


Believe or not sometimes we ask ourselves these things too, and after being with someone who consistently influences and precipitates those thoughts , a guy would leave. It wouldn't be necessarily because his gal was bad, but just that in the world that we live in today, there is little to no room for someone to have to hold up another person's feelings and emotions on top of their own. We can't expect to make someone feel better or have someone make us feel better all the time. From i've seen and experienced we have to be happy on our own first before sharing our emotions and bodies with others. Of course no one is 100% secure with themselves, but you should be happy enough not to doubt your own worth in front of others. If you're not happy with yourself then how can you expect others to be happy with you or make you happy? I understand people are social creatures, but there has to be some sort of individual self worth somewhere, to suppress it or denial it would be lying to oneself and their existence I think. 


Back on track I can only assume from limited observation that F.A.'s and Non-F.A.s want the same thing in regards to your question. They seek out confident bbws because those are the people who live life to its fullest. They don't mope for days on end or refuse to acknowledge the feelings around them as truthful and sincere. They roll with the punches and move along. No one wants to be with someone who lives only in the past or in their own sorrow. Unfortunately some people cant help that either, but its no excuse for not trying to live the life you have. FA's like any other man, woman, bbw, person.. want the same things. 


I'll start with a reverse idea/questions. How do you feel about non-confident F.A.s? what makes a person attracted to a confident F.A.? Why would a BBW seek out a confident F.A? An F.A that wasn't confident would think themselves good and because of that many would see that person as weak "willed" and as potential emotional taxation. It is also possible for that person to be viewed as insulting or betraying the person(s) to which their feelings are ascribe too. 



I've seen BBWs get upset and angry about this insecurity with guys who claim they're F.As. Now I can see if you're young and learning about the world that you still don't know your place in it yet. But if you're a an adult like this you should think about looking at your life and seeing if its worth living in this manner. Whats the point of living in denial of who and what you are? Most everyone is or has the chance to be wonderful and true to themselves. 



For some (not all) F.As an non confident/insecure BBW is the same as an Insecure F.A. If you're not sure about who you are and how you feel about me liking you, then why should I invest time and appreciation for you? F.As just like BBWs don't have time for games like that. Its not that they're cold hearted, but they're fed up with what the world tells them to like/be too. It's not the same as a BBW experience of course, but its there in most of the world culture too. F.As don't want to be with someone who has those same negative feelings about themselves. Just as a BBW doesn't want to be with someone who isn't confident about who they are and harbor the same negative feelings about themselves... 



Men want women who are confident because it makes it easy for them to tell what they do and don't want. Its like that for both sides really. Since you asked that is part of why F.As want a confident BBW (sexually and/or not). This is my assumption based on observation and experience.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 11, 2009)

Looks like this is turning into a good thread 



Observer said:


> Signs of BBW confidence -
> 
> 1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone
> 
> ...



I like this......maybe because it looks like I am one of those "confident BBW" after all  



CurvaceousBBWLover said:


> You must spread the rep around before giving it to Observer again. Can somebody rep him for me, please?



Got him- no worries 



CurvaceousBBWLover said:


> A confident BBW is:
> 
> 1. someone who lives her life as she sees fit and does not loose sleep at night wondering what other people thing from one minute to the next. She ignores the people with mediocre minds and lifes life vigorously and courageously.
> 
> ...



I seem to fit this one, too....well...except for number 3.....but I do that because I am a tramp...not because I don't have confidence......:blush: :doh:


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## Keb (Aug 11, 2009)

I'm really enjoying the responses so far. *hugs* all around! Thanks, guys, for giving me your input.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 11, 2009)

Observer said:


> Signs of BBW confidence -
> 
> 1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone
> 
> ...




Earlier, someone talked about how the skinny chicks who know they're hot stuff & parade it around are "confident" and someone responded, saying that he felt the OP was confusing confidence with arrogance. I didn't think so then, and I don't think so now. 

The thin hot chick knows that she's physically attractive, and she's confident with her appearance. I think the same is true of many hot fat chicks too. What you've written above is signs that a woman is confident about her appearance. I see very little to do with actual, innate _confidence_, though.

To me, true confidence comes from knowing yourself well, liking what you see, and having the courage to introspect (and forgive yourself for being human). It comes from the experience of knowing that you are capable, from being able to trust yourself to make wise decisions, and from the ability to appreciate and value what you have. None of that has a thing to do with how classy one's wardrobe is, or how willing to flaunt one's body in public, or anything really having to do with the physical. That is my experience.


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## PeriodicLurker (Aug 11, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> ....To me, true confidence comes from knowing yourself well, liking what you see, and having the courage to introspect (and forgive yourself for being human). ....


I just wanted to touch on the "forgive yourself for being human" part. 

For whatever reason, I think that a significant percentage of people under 30 (women, probably, moreso than men) actually think that their human "flaws" are things to be ashamed of. Maybe it's because movies and TV constantly flaunt these romantically-lit, slow-mo shots of people in some other-worldly manner, but, somehow, lots of people think that when they stumble during a walk or stutter during a speech or have sweat beneath their arms, that they're somehow exposed as inferior beings. As if basic human nature makes their entire soul a lie. 

When I was 21, I briefly dated a woman who was 28 or so. On our third or fourth date, I (tactfully) let her know that, well, a booger was hanging. Sure, it was kinda gross, but that's life, right? She immediately forced a really humiliated, fake laugh out and blushed so deeply. Then she kept talking about the foods she'd eaten earlier and all this to try and, like, make an excuse. I repeatedly kept telling her, "Look, it's not a big deal! Forget it already! You've got nothing to be ashamed of." I don't know that it did any good. (This was a problem because, at 21, I was very awkward and insecure myself!)

So, having an innate grasp and sense of our human flaws and inevitable frailties is definitely a sign of confidence. When a girl trips over something and then totally falls apart - as if tripping shattered her entire being - that's definitely _not_ a sign of confidence. 

Life's not a movie. Sex is often awkward and clumsy. Breath sometimes smells bad. Food falls onto your shirt once in a while. That's just life, not something to panic about.

When people can't recognize this principle, it shows that they're not only lacking confidence in who they really are, but that they're also a little bit, well, dumb. I think _most _people do understand this, but a lot of people in the post-Baby Boomer generations that grew up on TV and the internet probably have their sense or reality totally screwed up by pop culture. 

Just a theory.


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## bdog (Aug 12, 2009)

PeriodicLurker said:


> I repeatedly kept telling her, "Look, it's not a big deal! Forget it already! You've got nothing to be ashamed of." I don't know that it did any good. (This was a problem because, at 21, I was very awkward and insecure myself!).



Lucky gal to have someone so understanding of human nature as yourself.


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## Mini (Aug 12, 2009)

Personally, when I say "confidence" it's a stand-in for "rich parents."


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## Eclectic_Girl (Aug 12, 2009)

CrankySpice said:


> I find it very interesting that two of the FA responses here equate "confidence" with a nice wardrobe and an interest in make-up/hairstyle.
> 
> As a woman, I would say that those particular traits aren't associated with confidence - I've known plenty of snappy dressers with the entire hair/nails/make-up package that are sorely lacking in confidence.
> 
> Likewise, I know several "plain" women who perhaps dress more for comfort than style or who don't care to take the time for fancy hairstyles or make-up who just absolutely ooze confidence.



Yes. This.

Many of the women I have known who have the whole Societally Approved Feminine Packaging thing going on are deeply insecure. They use the high-maintenance regimen as a hard candy shell or mask that keeps people from seeing the real them, perhaps because they haven't taken the time to figure out who that is or perhaps because they know who that is and they are afraid of other people's judgment. I'm not talking about women who have developed their own style and rarely stray from it; I'm talking about women who run errands and do laundry in full makeup because they think they look hideous without it. 

Be careful about confusing presentation with confidence. I was in a relationship with someone who wanted me to dress more "classy" and wear more makeup and it served to damage my innate confidence rather than build it up. I have a personal style, and it works for me. It didn't work for him, and that's one of the many reasons he's an ex. 

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a preference for a woman whose personal style tends more toward the dressy than the casual. Just don't assume that those of us who prefer cardigans to blazers and cotton pants to polyester skirts are lacking in the confidence department.

Also,



Observer said:


> 2. Willing to go anywhere or do anything she likes with her SO (beach, dinner, concert, visiting relatives etc) without being held back by size considerations



For some of us, size is a consideration because of comfort, not confidence. In fact, it takes confidence to recognize that some place might not be prepared for someone of our size and either arrange for accommodations to be made or suggest a more comfortable alternative. To do that unapologetically, a woman has to be able to know herself, know the realities of her situation, and not internalize any judgment from others about her "deviation from the norm". That, to me, is what it means to be a confident fat chick.


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## Chimpi (Aug 17, 2009)

Observer said:


> Signs of BBW confidence -
> 
> 1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone
> 
> ...



#4, #5, #6 & #7. Yes, yes, yes and yes. Those are said better than I could have said them.
Though I would add that when I, personally, say I'd prefer a "confident fat women," I mean to say I prefer a fat women who enjoys being fat, with and without its [negative attributes (in that persons eyes)].


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## superodalisque (Aug 17, 2009)

Eclectic_Girl said:


> Yes. This.
> 
> Many of the women I have known who have the whole Societally Approved Feminine Packaging thing going on are deeply insecure. They use the high-maintenance regimen as a hard candy shell or mask that keeps people from seeing the real them, perhaps because they haven't taken the time to figure out who that is or perhaps because they know who that is and they are afraid of other people's judgment. I'm not talking about women who have developed their own style and rarely stray from it; I'm talking about women who run errands and do laundry in full makeup because they think they look hideous without it.
> 
> ...



i can understand exactly what you mean. but i also understand what the posters you quoted meant too. i just think its much easier, along with the other traits they mentioned, to recognize someone who is confident if they take a lot of care with thier appearance. i'm not sure the posters menat a full on plastic coating. to them it might mean that you don't take yourself out of the context of other women. people feel the exact same way about thin women who aren't interested in how they look. and , unfortunately for them too they pay a price. they make less money, get fewer promotions because they don't seem to exude confidence that they (the company too) can benefit from. after all most people never have the time to know everyone intimately and to assess them. all you know initially is that you need a certian type of person in your life--as an employee or a date. when most people see someone dressed as though they care they see someone who feels good enough about themselves to put themselves out there to compete and not to be afraid of it. it might not be true but thats what it says to people.

a lot of women aren't into fashion. and thats ok too. but that doesn't equate to looking like a person who doesn't care about themselves. people just prefer being around people they feel are pleasant to look at. its just more cheerful when people dress in ways that most people would find attractive. it also says you care about pleasing other people at least some of the time. if a woman does not feel dressing that way is important it also probably doesn't matter much to her how other people really feel about who she is anyway. its just one tool she doesn't care to use. but other women might use the tool. that doesn't make them insecure either. it depends on the individual person. its just the way they chose to manage thier life. everyone has to face the consequences of what they put out there. 

unfortunately women who don't seem to take care of themselves give the impression that they aren't confident because that is also one of the characteristics people also see in people who are depressed--when they just give up. a lot of fat women who aren't interested in thier personal appearance are depressed and do lack confidence. and unfortunately that spills out onto other women who just choose to live more simply. its not fair but its reality. i don't feel that a woman really has to give up on her appearance just for the sake of comfort though. there are a lot of comfortable and easy things to wear without giving the impression that her appearance is not one of a woman's considerations at all. 

i just don't feel that its a bad thing for men to admit they like looking at that when thats what they like to see in a woman--as far as an outward appearance of confidence. i think its honest to admit the feeling they get from seeing a well put together fat woman-- at least initially. for a long time there weren't very many who were taken care of just because of the reality of finding nice looking comfortable clothing. but thankfully its changing. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your thinking either. i think that maybe some of them just got tired of seeing fat women who look like they had given up--whether she had or hadn't. it can be depressing. of course its only surface but often people only have surface to deal with in the very beginning. also maybe a guy also might have a problem with the idea of dealing with a woman who is confident but doesn't look like she is? maybe he wants it to be more obvious that she likes herself? maybe there is something about looking like you don't want to lose weight and you are happy as you are? sure is very surface but the indication is there and some people want a more public indication.

but there are other guys who are attracted to the complete opposite. they feel women who project themselves simply are the best and that shows more confidence. so i guess it really depends on personalities and who you ask. neither is wrong but just what is important to different people. i think its mostly about having compatable ideas with the person you are with than anything else when it comes to appearance. if you like dressing its good to be with someone who likes that and if you don't is important to be with someone who likes simplicity. i think being aware of yourself enough not to try to become something just for someone else is extremely important --exactly as you said. you are like me. if someone told me i HAD to dress down to be respected by him i wouldn't be with him either. it would mess with my head too. i pay a price for enjoying dressing as well. a lot of other people may think i'm fake just because i like all of that girlie stuff until they get to know me. it has always been a part of my personality. i feel comfortable au naturale and i often do things with out make-up or dressing up. but, i really enjoy fashion etc... and i always have and its a part of who i am that i get real pleasure from. i don't feel forced into it by society. i don't do drugs i don't drink but if i'm stressed out it might help to do my nails 

what i can say about it is that unfair as it is i get a real benefit from dressing. people see it as an outward confirmation. its not right. its not fair. a lot of women who are a lot more intelligent and than i am and more confident than i am have lost out just because of the perception people get from how i present myself. its messed up but to a large extent thats the reality of how i get seen because of how i dress.


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## Eclectic_Girl (Aug 18, 2009)

Yes. As I said in my post above, "I'm not talking about women who have developed their own style and rarely stray from it." Some people have a personal style that is more fashion-oriented, others not so much. I would agree that there is a certain level of presentablility (clothes are clean, unstained, with no holes or rips) that bespeaks "putting forth an effort" in one's appearance.

I think where you live and what you do for a living influences this as well. If you have a job in the city where you are meeting the public/customers on a regular basis, you are more likely to have developed a personal style that is more conscious of how others perceive you. If, like me, you have a job in a rural/hippie state working with computer nerds, a formal personal style would stick out like a sore thumb. Where I work, only the women in marketing wear a noticeable amount of makeup, and many of us wear no makeup at all on a regular basis. I'm used to being judged by the quality and presentation of what I write, not what I wear. And if my casual style has meant that I've lost out on some high-flying job in the city, I'm okay with that because I'm being true to myself.

Having said that, and more to the original point that was made since most FAs would be meeting me in a social rather than work situation, when I go to a dance in Boston, I definitely make more of an effort and dress up. But that, to me, is not about confidence - it's about knowing that different situations call for different attire.


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## exile in thighville (Aug 18, 2009)

for example if i was going to drug and molest a girl she would have to be so confident with herself that she in fact takes over and _rapes me instead_

then kicks my half-conscious body out of her car outside the women's shelter and dares me to tattle "to the men's shelter OH WAIT I FORGOT THEY DON'T HAVE SUCH A THING" before driving away laughing with the runaways in the tape deck

i'd probably want a thin girl to do this though so i guess that doesn't have anything to do with the op


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## Oirish (Aug 19, 2009)

Observer said:


> Signs of BBW confidence -
> 
> 1. Ability to be open and friendly with anyone
> 
> ...




Not a bad list but I would tweak 7 to say she could routinely look in the mirror naked or otherwise and think "I'm f***ing hot!"


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 19, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> for example if i was going to drug and molest a girl she would have to be so confident with herself that she in fact takes over and _rapes me instead_
> 
> then kicks my half-conscious body out of her car outside the women's shelter and dares me to tattle "to the men's shelter OH WAIT I FORGOT THEY DON'T HAVE SUCH A THING" before driving away laughing with the runaways in the tape deck
> 
> i'd probably want a thin girl to do this though so i guess that doesn't have anything to do with the op



You're not even trying anymore, are you?


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## exile in thighville (Aug 19, 2009)

course not i have a book deal


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## frankman (Aug 19, 2009)

Confidence is a self esteem thing. An entire army of FAs can know a woman is a BBW, but the moment she herself knows she is one, that's confidence. Confidence just means that they do not only accept their body, but also like it, and they don't care if others do or don't.

No amount of makeup or dresses can cover a lack of self esteem (it can help the person in question feel a little bit better about themselves, though). Confidence is one of the most important features a woman can have.


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## frankman (Aug 19, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> [...]before driving away laughing with the runaways in the tape deck.



Although I have no idea what you were on about in the rest of your post, this made me smile. A lot.


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