# FAs again getting a bad rap in the media



## waldo (Oct 29, 2014)

I just saw this news story about a woman who lost about 150 pounds (from a starting weight of about 350). I big part of the story is regarding how she believed she had to dump her fiance who was "obsessed with obese women". 

So even when a song like "All about the Bass" can go to number 1 on the Pop Charts, the FA continues only to be painted in a bad light by the corporate media. 

This Woman Lost 150 Pounds... And Her Fiancé


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## loopytheone (Oct 29, 2014)

I can't help thinking when I hear stories like this that her losing her partner had nothing to do with her weight loss, and everything to do with her attitude change. If I fell in love with someone who was interested in video games, hanging out and cuddling up all night with me and suddenly they didn't want to do any of those things and were obsessed with dieting and criticising other people on their diet and looking down at other people... well, I wouldn't want to be with them anymore either, because they aren't the person I fell in love with. You can't radically change your interests and things you like doing and then be surprised when a person who shares your previous passions and interests isn't thrilled by the change...

Edit: I realised I didn't make it clear that I was talking about these stories in general, not this story specifically. From the sounds of it, this woman's ex didn't love her as a person and just saw her as something to give him sexual satisfaction, which is majorly uncool. Then again, you can't go out with somebody who lusts after you when you look a certain way and then be surprised when they no longer lust after you when you radically change your appearance. If she had started at 150lbs and gained 100lbs then I don't think 'Joe Public' would be surprised if his degree of attraction to her changed...


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## Jon Blaze (Oct 29, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> I can't help thinking when I hear stories like this that her losing her partner had nothing to do with her weight loss, and everything to do with her attitude change. If I fell in love with someone who was interested in video games, hanging out and cuddling up all night with me and suddenly they didn't want to do any of those things and were obsessed with dieting and criticising other people on their diet and looking down at other people... well, I wouldn't want to be with them anymore either, because they aren't the person I fell in love with. You can't radically change your interests and things you like doing and then be surprised when a person who shares your previous passions and interests isn't thrilled by the change...
> 
> Edit: I realised I didn't make it clear that I was talking about these stories in general, not this story specifically. From the sounds of it, this woman's ex didn't love her as a person and just saw her as something to give him sexual satisfaction, which is majorly uncool. Then again, you can't go out with somebody who lusts after you when you look a certain way and then be surprised when they no longer lust after you when you radically change your appearance. If she had started at 150lbs and gained 100lbs then I don't think 'Joe Public' would be surprised if his degree of attraction to her changed...



Wise post. It's a two-way street.


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## tomy27 (Oct 29, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> I can't help thinking when I hear stories like this that her losing her partner had nothing to do with her weight loss, and everything to do with her attitude change. If I fell in love with someone who was interested in video games, hanging out and cuddling up all night with me and suddenly they didn't want to do any of those things and were obsessed with dieting and criticising other people on their diet and looking down at other people... well, I wouldn't want to be with them anymore either, because they aren't the person I fell in love with. You can't radically change your interests and things you like doing and then be surprised when a person who shares your previous passions and interests isn't thrilled by the change...
> 
> Edit: I realised I didn't make it clear that I was talking about these stories in general, not this story specifically. From the sounds of it, this woman's ex didn't love her as a person and just saw her as something to give him sexual satisfaction, which is majorly uncool. Then again, you can't go out with somebody who lusts after you when you look a certain way and then be surprised when they no longer lust after you when you radically change your appearance. If she had started at 150lbs and gained 100lbs then I don't think 'Joe Public' would be surprised if his degree of attraction to her changed...



I fully agree.


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## lille (Oct 29, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> I can't help thinking when I hear stories like this that her losing her partner had nothing to do with her weight loss, and everything to do with her attitude change. If I fell in love with someone who was interested in video games, hanging out and cuddling up all night with me and suddenly they didn't want to do any of those things and were obsessed with dieting and criticising other people on their diet and looking down at other people... well, I wouldn't want to be with them anymore either, because they aren't the person I fell in love with. You can't radically change your interests and things you like doing and then be surprised when a person who shares your previous passions and interests isn't thrilled by the change...
> 
> Edit: I realised I didn't make it clear that I was talking about these stories in general, not this story specifically. From the sounds of it, this woman's ex didn't love her as a person and just saw her as something to give him sexual satisfaction, which is majorly uncool. Then again, you can't go out with somebody who lusts after you when you look a certain way and then be surprised when they no longer lust after you when you radically change your appearance. If she had started at 150lbs and gained 100lbs then I don't think 'Joe Public' would be surprised if his degree of attraction to her changed...



I couldn't have said it better myself.


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## Highsteppa (Oct 29, 2014)

What happened doesn't mean that it's right, but people grow, change and evolve - unfortunately, that means that your significant other can too, taking a completely different path, or wish to remain stagnant and not change at all. 

People's lives are going to take different paths - for better or for worse.

That might not sound very sympathetic, but if he's gone - it's probably for the better - as neither would be happy in a relationship where he wants her not to change and she wants to change for her own reasons.

C'est la vie.


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## Marlayna (Oct 29, 2014)

waldo said:


> I just saw this news story about a woman who lost about 150 pounds (from a starting weight of about 350). I big part of the story is regarding how she believed she had to dump her fiance who was "obsessed with obese women".
> 
> So even when a song like "All about the Bass" can go to number 1 on the Pop Charts, the FA continues only to be painted in a bad light by the corporate media.
> 
> This Woman Lost 150 Pounds... And Her Fiancé


This young woman had health issues due to her weight. She wisely decided to lose weight after her doctor said she probably wouldn't live past 40. Her fiance is only attracted to very large women, so she let him go. Her loss will be some other big girl's gain. I don't see a problem.


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## phelan4022 (Oct 30, 2014)

This is a very one dimensional journalistic piece. It only contains the very abbreviated views of the gal in question. Maybe her former fiance simply was an FA who cherished her curves and she never came to terms with that and, instead of simply making changes to fix her health problems (a better overall eating plan and regular activity) and accept that big can be beautiful, she chose to perceive his attraction as an absolute and reject him entirely because his views did not mesh with his attractions. Or, he could be a narrow minded fetishist who only was with her because she was fat. The point is that we don't know and the we are only supposed to take the woman's word for the truth that her fiance would not support her in her path to health and wellness. I'm dissatisfied with this and many other portrayals of FA's in the media. I've seen countless FAs villified in Dr. Phil-esque tv specials of SSBBWs trying to lose weight. And, of course, even video footage can be trimmed and tailored to reflect whatever the goals of the show may be, which is most often a simple shock value attention grabber. Statistically, there are just as many people that admit to being FAs as there are gays. However, FAs are grossly underrepresented or stigmatized in the media. And, of course, we can only change that by living each day as caring and compassion partners to the full figured people we proudly admire. Thanks for the article though!


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## fuelingfire (Oct 30, 2014)

This story wasn't written to give a full account of her relationship. It was written for people to click on and think "wow that's weird!" Reinforces how strange it is to society that anyone could be attracted to overweight women.


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## landshark (Oct 30, 2014)

If we frown on a man who is no longer attracted to his wife or girlfriend because she gains weight perhaps we should also frown on one who would do the same if she loses weight. Physical attraction is very important and I will never deny that. But it is also just one piece of the puzzle. When you truly love someone you are probably willing to change with them. Then again, it is easy for me to say because I developed a flexibility I my preference plus I am going through the exact same thing with my wife.

I agree this article does present just her side, and it does it in such a way as to further the notion that having a preference for weight is abnormal. Some guys who like bbws truly do have an obsession or it can be a fetish. But a lot of us have a legitimate attraction or preference for them and there is nothing weird about that at all.


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## jakub (Oct 30, 2014)

happily_married said:


> Physical attraction is very important and I will never deny that. But it is also just one piece of the puzzle. When you truly love someone you are probably willing to change with them. Then again, it is easy for me to say because I developed a flexibility I my preference plus I am going through the exact same thing with my wife.



Congrats, I have no idea how you are able to do that. Can you share some tips for developing flexibility in that matter?


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## fritzi (Oct 30, 2014)

Actually, for a piece of journalism on this issue, it's pretty neutral.

The woman in question does not vilify her former fiancé for being attracted to her being large or describe him or any of his actions as weird or creepy. Her 'before' pictures show her as very round, but objectively very pretty, lively person - so that also doesn't fit into the negative 'feeder victim' portrayal.

She just says because of his preference she couldn't lose so much weight and change her lifestyle while being together with him. 

It's only her perspective, but she states that she had tried over 6 years in the relationship to diet - which is some time to test a person - though without success. 

Things would be easier for FAs/Feeders if all coverage was as non-sensationalist as this feature.


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## landshark (Oct 30, 2014)

jakub said:


> Congrats, I have no idea how you are able to do that. Can you share some tips for developing flexibility in that matter?



Honestly, I am not sure if there is some deep secret I've unlocked. I wish I could tell you something profound, but for me I think it is personality driven. I've dated everything from exotic dancer to a woman who carried 350 pounds on a 5'3" frame. 

My wife has lost over 120 pounds. She worried at one point that I would lose interest if she lost weight. At this point in our marriage, I have got to be willing to change with her. And I have got to let her goals for herself become my goals for her. In a marriage it isn't about me, it's about us. And if she is happier with herself it benefits both of us, even if I would have loved it if she had learned to love herself at her peak weight. 

Preference can change with time if you let it. I think it takes serious evaluation of your priorities and why they are important to you. If you give yourself some critical examination you may find some of the things you considered important may not be as important as you thought they were.

I hope this helps. Like I said, it's nothing profound. It applies to me, but it is by no means universal.


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## bigmac (Oct 30, 2014)

Life is a series of compromises. No one -- at least no ordinary folks -- gets everything they want. It comes down to -- as the Stones sang so many years ago -- do you *get what you need*. Sexual attraction is something that is either there or it isn't. When its not there there is no hope for the relationship.

If -- for whatever reason -- one or both partners are no longer sexually interested in the other the relationship is over. That said any person -- male or female -- who falls out of love/lust when their partners body changes probably deserves to be called shallow. However, such a designation is unlike to rekindle a lost flame.


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## joswitch (Oct 30, 2014)

fritzi said:


> Actually, for a piece of journalism on this issue, it's pretty neutral.
> 
> The woman in question does not vilify her former fiancé for being attracted to her being large or describe him or any of his actions as weird or creepy.



If you watch the video segment, she refers to: him as being "obsessed" with obese women. And she refers to his attraction to her being fat and (her assertion) that he would not support her in her weight loss goals as "abuse". :doh: She kinda says it as an aside, but it is there.

Those're two pretty negative labels right there.



> Her 'before' pictures show her as very round, but objectively very pretty, lively person - so that also doesn't fit into the negative 'feeder victim' portrayal.
> 
> She just says because of his preference she couldn't lose so much weight and change her lifestyle while being together with him.
> 
> It's only her perspective, but she states that she had tried over 6 years in the relationship to diet - which is some time to test a person - though without success.



Eh, tbh, having listened to what she said in video, it seems that she broke it off with him a number of times, but then chose to go back to him, because she felt she "would never find anyone else" - so it sounds like insecurity that held her back from doing what she wanted (i.e. leaving him & losing weight).



> Things would be easier for FAs/Feeders if all coverage was as non-sensationalist as this feature.



I agree that I've seen much, much worse TV on the subject, but the only reason it's not more "freakshow" IMO, is they couldn't get hold of the bloke in question to frame him as a weirdo.


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## joswitch (Oct 30, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> I can't help thinking when I hear stories like this that her losing her partner had nothing to do with her weight loss, and everything to do with her attitude change. If I fell in love with someone who was interested in video games, hanging out and cuddling up all night with me and suddenly they didn't want to do any of those things and were obsessed with dieting and criticising other people on their diet and looking down at other people... well, I wouldn't want to be with them anymore either, because they aren't the person I fell in love with. You can't radically change your interests and things you like doing and then be surprised when a person who shares your previous passions and interests isn't thrilled by the change...
> 
> Edit: I realised I didn't make it clear that I was talking about these stories in general, not this story specifically. From the sounds of it, this woman's ex didn't love her as a person and just saw her as something to give him sexual satisfaction, which is majorly uncool. Then again, you can't go out with somebody who lusts after you when you look a certain way and then be surprised when they no longer lust after you when you radically change your appearance. If she had started at 150lbs and gained 100lbs then I don't think 'Joe Public' would be surprised if his degree of attraction to her changed...



I'm out of rep for you, so: :bow::bow::bow:


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## landshark (Oct 30, 2014)

bigmac said:


> as the Stones sang so many years ago -- do you *get what you need*.



Great song. Without question, a great song!


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## waldo (Oct 31, 2014)

fritzi said:


> Actually, for a piece of journalism on this issue, it's pretty neutral.
> 
> The woman in question does not vilify her former fiancé for being attracted to her being large or describe him or any of his actions as weird or creepy. Her 'before' pictures show her as very round, but objectively very pretty, lively person - so that also doesn't fit into the negative 'feeder victim' portrayal.
> 
> ...



While it may be non-sensationalist, relatively speaking, it still furthers the negative media portrayal of FAs (or as Eve likes to call us, "obese-obsessed men").

The more I think about this, the more I realize it's the depiction of her former self and her anti-fat rhetoric that is probably more damaging. If you watch the video, she mentions something called InspirationalEve. it turns out she has gone on to turn this 'life change' into an enterprise InspirationalEve

On the main page she describes herself : 
"I'm Inspirational Eve- life coach, spiritual weight release ally, and healthy lifestyle guru." 

On the "Meet Eve" Bio page there is this little excerpt: "I am no stranger to the battle of the bulge. Having been in plus size clothing since middle school and purchasing two seats on an airplane in high school, I know the embarrassment and self-loathing which goes along with being obese in our society.

Having turned to drugs, alcohol, and obese obsessed men, I always found external forces to bring me happiness. "

So as she says right there, she had a lot of self-loathing. Thus, I suppose she could never truly accept the love of a man (FA or otherwise) as a self-loathing person. But worse, there she is listing her turning to "obese obsessed men" right up (down?) there with her dependence on drugs and alcohol. I feel she does paint with a broad brush in villifying FAs with this type of rhetoric. Now we can get into semantics about obsession with fat rolls versus the 'true FA' who is also in love with the person inside, but most people are just going to assume the worst about all of us from reading this type of rubbish.

Also in the video clip that accompanies the article there is this excerpt:

Eve:"A lot of what I teach people with InspirationalEve is that the weight is just a symptom; that we're holding on to other things, um, in our life. And with him, ah, it was abuse, it was self-sabotaging, it wasn't truly loving myself, because I was always trying to get it from external forces."

So our dear Eve is out there peddling the old tripe that you can not possibly be really happy with your life if you are fat. You are fat because of underlying psychological problem(s). And she uses terminology on her website like "Are you looking to explore why you are holding onto the weight?" and "Since my weight loss journey started in 2010 I have released over 150 pounds". Released not lost weight 

Another thing to keep in mind regarding Eve and her apparently 6 year relationship with the "obese obsessed man". In an earlier article in Jan 2014, also in Huffington Post Afraid She Wouldn't See Her 40th Birthday, Eve Parker Lost 150 Pounds she was listed at 27 years old and at the same weight of 190 pounds listed in the Oct 2014 article.
Since she claimed she couldn't successfully lose any weight in the relationship, I figure she had to have been free of him for a good year or more, making her about 26 at the time. Six years prior means she was only maybe 19-20 years old at the start of this relationship. Very possibly the first long-term relationship she had with a man. 

Also, with all this babble about health problems, blah blah blah... note that she states at the bottom of the Jan 2014 article : "My goal is to walk this earth a size 6." 

So a *size 6*, now who is the superficial one and furthermore isn't this goal just so she can get more acceptance from those external forces that she claims she doesn't need anymore due to all her new-found internal strength.

Now my hunch is that the guy Eve was involved with probably wasn't very honorable and likely did manipulate her into staying fat, so I don't particularly have a concern regarding him having been depicted negatively. But never does she acknowledge that a guy could be attracted to fat women and treat them with respect. Of course, that would undermine her sales pitch that you need to become thin (i.e. release the weight) to be happy in life.

I do have a problem with her anti fat acceptance activities and the fact she has an ulterior motive in all these interviews and also TV appearances because she is trying to make a buck off of all this. She comes off as some kind of a charlatan in my opinion.


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## jakub (Oct 31, 2014)

bigmac said:


> That said any person -- male or female -- who falls out of love/lust when their partners body changes probably deserves to be called shallow.



I'm not trying to offend you but this is...probably analysis from the standpoint of "bi-sizual" person.
Would you be attracted to your significant one if she/he will change sex? Is this shallow to lost interest then?


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## fritzi (Oct 31, 2014)

waldo said:


> While it may be non-sensationalist, relatively speaking, it still furthers the negative media portrayal of FAs (or as Eve likes to call us, "obese-obsessed men").
> 
> 
> I do have a problem with her anti fat acceptance activities and the fact she has an ulterior motive in all these interviews and also TV appearances because she is trying to make a buck off of all this. She comes off as some kind of a charlatan in my opinion.



Do you honestly expect fat acceptance communication from someone who runs a weight loss blog? 
That's naive - to put it mildly.

I don't share her opinion and experiences - but she communicates it in a way which is a neutral and acceptal way of publicly voicing it, like it or not. She also sticks to her personal experience and does not throw around blanket generalizations, let alone bashing others. 
As far as freedom of opinion goes, she's well within the limits of fairness here. And as long as we want the freedom to our opinion, we have to accept the voicing of those we don't share or like.

How do you deal with the average level of anti-fat and anti-FA bashing in the media and public if this already gets you so upset?


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## Nordiques (Nov 10, 2014)

happily_married said:


> If we frown on a man who is no longer attracted to his wife or girlfriend because she gains weight perhaps we should also frown on one who would do the same if she loses weight.



Agreed.

When you are to marry someone, do you really expect that person to look the same way forever? Do you expect yourself? That's the power of that kind of commitment: it's not just for one point-in-time. To want anything else is unwise and hinders your appreciation of life as a real journey. When you love someone, your happiness comes from their happiness, and that's the only way to sustain a relationship when you think of how many changes, not only physically with weight or appearance, lie ahead. I'm glad this couple was able to realize they were not really in love before they got in too deep.


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## bigmac (Nov 11, 2014)

jakub said:


> I'm not trying to offend you but this is...probably analysis from the standpoint of "bi-sizual" person.
> Would you be attracted to your significant one if she/he will change sex? Is this shallow to lost interest then?



As they say the devil is in the details. Peoples bodies change -- that's a given. People in healthy relationships don't freak out over a little change. However, everyone has limits (a sex change would likely be beyond my limits).


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## joswitch (Nov 12, 2014)

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by happily_married View Post
> If we frown on a man who is no longer attracted to his wife or girlfriend because she gains weight perhaps we should also frown on one who would do the same if she loses weight.



Here's a better plan. How about: 

1) "we" acknowledge that attraction is not something that is under concious control and therefore is not something anyone can be blamed for "no longer" having. 
And 
2) "we" mind our own goddamn business and quit "frowning on" who consenting adults choose to be with / decide not to be with regardless of their motivations, because: it's not any of "our" business.


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## bigmac (Nov 12, 2014)

joswitch said:


> Here's a better plan. How about:
> 
> 1) "we" acknowledge that attraction is not something that is under concious control and therefore is not something anyone can be blamed for "no longer" having.
> And
> 2) "we" mind our own goddamn business and quit "frowning on" who consenting adults choose to be with / decide not to be with regardless of their motivations, because: it's not any of "our" business.



I'll agree with your first point only to a point. I do believe that our conscious mind can and does affect our unconscious mind. Its possible to override your unconscious, at least to some extent, if you're so inclined.

I'll also agree with your second point so long as the involved parties don't make their issues public (not the case here). If you make your private life public you don't get to play the mind your own business card.


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