# One sad chubby chaser...



## cliffjeff (Jun 26, 2007)

hey all - first post here  and I've got a slightly sad story and seek advice.

I've been into big girls since puberty. I have never been attracted to a skinny girl in my whole life. I fell in love with a slightly big girl as I was entering college about 8 years ago, and we've been together pretty much ever since. 

About 2 years ago, she went from being just a little big boned to being pretty big. She peaked at about 250 lbs a few months ago. I can't tell you how thrilled that made me. Bigger would have been fine and probably even better, but that was big enough for me.

Now, her family is incredibly shallow and mainstream. They all have had tons of plastic surgery and spend like 30 hours a week in the gym each. Needless to say, her mother makes her feel terrible for being big. She made my fiance utterly neurotic. Now my fiance loathes the way she looks. She's dieting her ass off - literally.

I can't stand it. I've loved her for so long, but it's really hard for me to deal with her purposely taking away something I love so much. She has no reason to want to be skinny. She loooves food, and I love a big girl - it was a win/win situation. She's turning it into a lose/lose, by not eating the things she loves, exercising a ton, which she hates, and therefore getting skinny, which I hate. She tries to claim she just wants to be healthy - I assure her that I'll exercise with her to make sure she stays healthy, if she goes back to eating the foods she loves so she doesn't lose weight. You don't have to be skinny to be healthy.

It's so hard for me to deal with having had my dream girl develop my dream body, and now she's taking it away from me - on purpose. If she 'accidentally' lost weight, like she accidentally gained it, I couldn't hold it against her... but her doing it on purpose is making me crazy and putting a strain on our relationship  

I still love her, of course, but I'm having such trouble coping with this. Should i just give up and let her lose all this weight like she wants? What could I tell her to change her mind?


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 26, 2007)

> Should i just give up and let her lose all this weight like she wants?



If it's what she wants? yes.


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## furious styles (Jun 26, 2007)

I can relate bro. I was in a very similar relationship. There's no easy answer. 

If she's really dead serious and no talking can help the situation then :

You leave the relationship due to the stress and feel like a shallow asshole with a broken heart.

or

You stay in the relationship and never have any satisfying sex and can't really enjoy life in general.

I wish I could help. You have my sympathy at least.


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## cliffjeff (Jun 26, 2007)

mfdoom said:


> I can relate bro. I was in a very similar relationship. There's no easy answer.
> 
> If she's really dead serious and no talking can help the situation then :
> 
> ...



Yeah, I think you hit the nail right on the head  thanks for your understanding words man... I'll probably just try to grin and bear it, and hope that maybe someday she'll stop caring about being skinny again... maybe it's just a phase...


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## Zoom (Jun 26, 2007)

Tell her, "My dear, before you do anything else, you should read all the websites and forums (like this one) that de-emphasize a correlation between weight and health."


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## SamanthaNY (Jun 26, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> Now my fiance loathes the way she looks. She's dieting her ass off - literally.
> 
> I can't stand it.
> hard for me to deal with her purposely taking away something I love so much
> ...



There are some statements you've made that are... of concern. I understand your passion for her figure, I truly do. But a lot of what you've written here sounds... selfish and controlling. This is your first post, however - so it's impossible to get a handle on someone's personality with so little information. 

It's important to realize that while your girlfriend's changing shape _affects _you, it's not *about *you. Saying stuff about her 'doing it on purpose' and 'taking it from me' are out of touch with what's going on. Is it possible that your emotions are too tied up with her size and weight? Sure sounds that way. If you love her, shouldn't that mean that you love her no matter what her size? 

While her motives may not be logical (or even healthy), how can you say they're not valid? Her reasons are hers - right or wrong, and coming from some pretty powerful family pressure. It sounds terrifically unsupportive and yes, selfish of you to say she has no _reason _to be skinny. Your attachment to her body size is sounding controlling and problematic. She's not your property, she's your (soon to be) wife. She's not there to provide a body for you to enjoy... she's there to be your partner. 

I would hope that you can find it in your heart to support her and not try to sabotage her efforts simply because you want her bigger. There is no "letting" her do anything :doh:. It's her body, and her choice. You either support her, or you don't. 

That said... it's possible that if you're having such trouble with this, you'd be better suited to a relationship with someone whose feelings on size are more in line with your own. In other words - don't marry this woman.


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## ThatFatGirl (Jun 26, 2007)

So many things you said here rub me the wrong way. 

This is HER body, her life. She can do what she wants with it.

For most of us, our bodies change quite a lot over time. We gain some, we lose some, we gain more than we lost and then some, maybe we lose a few... If you can't see past this and simply love your girlfriend for the person she is, then maybe it is best you let her find someone who can?

Good luck.


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## mossystate (Jun 26, 2007)

What the three women who posted...said.

We all have to figure these things out for ourselves. 

I hope for your fiance sakes, she can get both you AND her family out of her head for at least a short time. Try and understand what this is doing to her, not you.


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## Tooz (Jun 26, 2007)

ThatFatGirl said:


> If you can't see past this and simply love your girlfriend for the person she is, then maybe it is best you let her find someone who can?



Actually, it might be a good idea for this to happen. Honestly, loving someone for who they are is great, and it's crucial to have that, but on the same token, physical attraction is not always something you can convince yourself into having. Realistically, if that is not there, the resulting sexual dysfunction can be crippling to the relationship. The reason relationships are so difficult is because it's very rare to find someone who you are compatible with on all the needed levels *who changes with you in similar ways as life goes on*. The last part is what's hard and is always a gamble.

This guy is being honest about his situation, and chewing on him for what is a real and sometimes unavoidable situation for some people is just as hard to swallow as what you are saying is difficult to accept.

I have been in a somewhat similar (and not weight related) situation, and it is REALLY hard to deal with, and singing about loving someone looks aside does not help. The reality is physical attraction will always be a part of the equation. I, of all people, have not been able to accept that until recently.

To the OP: in whatever path you choose, good luck. I wish you the best, but I sincerely doubt she'll be changing her mind.


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## Jon Blaze (Jun 26, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> hey all - first post here  and I've got a slightly sad story and seek advice.
> 
> I've been into big girls since puberty. I have never been attracted to a skinny girl in my whole life. I fell in love with a slightly big girl as I was entering college about 8 years ago, and we've been together pretty much ever since.
> 
> ...




Firstly: Have you honestly had deep conversations about her opinion? Do you know of the reasons she wants to lose weight? There's a lot more to it than the stereotypical reasons that we would assume (Like "Vanity"), but I think you should really talk to her about why she wants to lose weight. It isn't always bad: Contrary to some beliefs. Obviously when you lose weight in order to accept yourself (And add points to positive self-reflection  ), it isn't the best idea (Especially when you two are due to get married soon), but there's a million reasons why peole lose weight. Some of those reasons are societal, and some of them are internal.

You are right in the fact that what the family says should be taken lightly at best. Most FAs get out of the closet by unfortunately/fortunately telling their friends and family to get a F****** life. A lot of times that's a really good idea: One would hope that family and friends wouldn't give in to what society preaches, but a lot of them do.

As for the lifestyle: That's ultimately her choice. If she likes to eat XYZ way, but also likes to exercise, I think you should respect that. Hell, if she's naturally large, she can not only maintain weight with extreme exercise and average/above average consumption, but gains can come as well. I think you should ask her about this. What type of lifestyle does she like? Eating healthy and exercising aren't enough to destroy obesity, nor do they automatically induce weight loss. Dieting on the other hand: Maybe. A lot of people do it incorrectly, it has a high failure rate, body types body types body types, if someone doesn't seek physical activity while doing it they are likely to end up being more unhealthy, we all have a different weight we gravitate towards, but: Maybe.  

As for the mind thing: Find some point in the middle. You can't sway her by saying you want her heavy *just* because of sexual attraction, but don't keep your opinion to yourself. I think you two should talk about it. Find out her reasoning, and then go from there.

I have a friend who has lost about 80 lbs now. She told me her reasons for doing so, and she did it for reasons I can respect. Right now my only concern for her is that she's openly told me that she fears gaining weight (Not that her lifestyle was poor, but instead of naturally eating well [As one of the many lifestyle elements that affect weight], she's meticulous in every thing she eats, which I don't think is the best idea: Especially when she was eating well before, but hey...). I can't get in the way, but now that fear is what strikes me: Not the fact that she wants to get down to XYZ weight necessarily.

Purpose:
As Agent Smith said: "Purpose..." It's not the intention, but what is the purpose Mr. Anderson?  
Do you know?

Me Me Me Me..... Me too.  

Now... Once you find out:
Find out for yourself what range of weights you are willing to date in. Not that she sould be constricted to either extreme of your range, but how much weight does she want to lose? If your range is 50 lbs, why would you mind her getting to that starting point?
Now if she wants to get down to a weight that causes you to lose all sexual attraction to: That may be a problem. Sex isn't the end-all-be-all of relationships, but it's integral, and it can be crucial in sealing the bond you two have. If you really can't compensate (Or find some happy-medium where you two agree), I don't know if you two can stay together honestly.

Tread peacefully across this... Express your opinion. Most FAs have a varying range of weight that they wish to date people in, and that should not mean an automatic dissapproval of a weight loss attempt. Find out her goals, find out what you like, and make adjustments. Your sexual preference for a larger women should have a root in that preference: It shouldn't be the only reason you aspire to date, nor should it be the only reason for such an attraction.


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## cliffjeff (Jun 26, 2007)

Yeah, you guys are probably right, and I'm glad you're being frank. You're probably right that I'm being selfish, though I don't really feel that way. Yes, it's her body and she can do what she wants with it, of course. But I don't really think she, as a person, wants to be skinny. She has just been indoctrinated by her family and our culture. 

Because of the way she was raised, I doubt she will ever be happy as a big girl, unless she never saw her mother. Every time she sees her mother, she starts feeling awful about herself and goes on a diet, because her mother pretty much constantly tells her how ugly she is. I assure her that her mother will never be happy with her. if she was skinny, her mom would find other faults. You don't wear enough make-up, you don't dress right, you're not trying hard enough to get ahead in your career... meanwhile, I always told her she was beautiful, when she was 150 lbs to when she was 250 lbs. but she'd rather chase after her mother's dream image of her than live her own life the way she wants to. 

I guess I'm dancing around the issue, which is that if she's not happy being big, there really isn't anything I can do to change her mind, so I have to accept that or move on...

thanks for taking the time to read and respond, all


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## SamanthaNY (Jun 26, 2007)

You seem like a decent guy, cliffjeff. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.


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## Wagimawr (Jun 26, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> she'd rather chase after her mother's dream image of her than live her own life the way she wants to.


That's more disturbing than anything else you've posted.

Somewhere, somehow, the connection needs to be made that her mother will never be happy with her, no matter what. It's probably best that she discovers that for herself, but my God, what torment to go through until she does.


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## cliffjeff (Jun 26, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Firstly: Have you honestly had deep conversations about her opinion? Do you know of the reasons she wants to lose weight? There's a lot more to it than the stereotypical reasons that we would assume (Like "Vanity"), but I think you should really talk to her about why she wants to lose weight. It isn't always bad: Contrary to some beliefs. Obviously when you lose weight in order to accept yourself (And add points to self-image  ), it isn't the best idea (Especially when you two are due to get married soon), but there's a million reasons why peole lose weight. Some of those reasons are societal, and some of them are internal.
> 
> You are right in the fact that what the family says should be taken lightly at best. Most FAs get out of the closet by unfortunately/fortunately telling their friends and family to get a F****** life. A lot of times that's a really good idea: One would hope that family and friends wouldn't give in to what society preaches, but a lot of them do.
> 
> ...



Very thorough response, Jon - thanks  you should be a professional therapist hehe

She's not even sure why she wants to lose weight. We actually have talked about it ad nauseum. Sometimes she'll say it's because she feels ugly, sometimes she'll say it's because she feels unhealthy... and every time she gives a new reason, I don't feel like it's something coming from her heart, but rather something coming straight from her mother's lips. I hate to keep bringing her mother into it, but if the two of them never saw each other, my fiance would be blithely big right now. 

I proposed to her years ago when she was probably 70 lbs skinnier, so I guess I would be a hypocrite if I dumped her now... but at the same time, once you go fat, it's hard to go back :doh:


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## Leonard (Jun 26, 2007)

Cliffjeff, this situation does not sound so bad. So she's going on a diet, so what? Didn't you say she can't stand dieting and is much happier eating the foods she loves? If that's true, then sooner or later she's bound to conclude that it's more fun to be fat and happy than dieting and miserable. You'll have your sexy fat girl back in no time!

Even if she does decide to continue to diet, there's still a lot of fun the two of you can have together. About six months ago, my ex-girlfriend hit 240 and decided to go on a diet. I thought she looked very sexy, always have, but I could tell she didn't feel sexy at this new weight and she was very unhappy. Seeing her unhappy made me unhappy, and so when she went on a diet I knew it was for the best. That didn't mean our sex life suffered, though. When we were having sex, she'd talk about how the diet was only a temporary thing; that when we settled down together she would drop the diet and lounge around in bed all day, eating and getting fat, fat, FAT! She wasn't serious, of course, but she knew that sort talk drove me absolutely wild.

Also, once in a while, she would reward herself after a long week of dieting by calling up the local diner and ordering a some sort of fattening treat. She would resume her diet the next day, but she knew that watching her overindulge and break her diet was a huge turn on for me, and it was almost always followed by spectacular sex.

We broke up about a month ago for completely unrelated reasons, but I'm telling you this because I want you to know that just because your big beautiful woman is going on a diet doesn't mean you can't have fun. Besides, last I heard my ex had just gained back five pounds. She told me that, even though she's dieting, she knows she'll never be thin. She just loves food too much!


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## ThatFatGirl (Jun 26, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Actually, it might be a good idea for this to happen. Honestly, loving someone for who they are is great, and it's crucial to have that, but on the same token, physical attraction is not always something you can convince yourself into having. Realistically, if that is not there, the resulting sexual dysfunction can be crippling to the relationship. The reason relationships are so difficult is because it's very rare to find someone who you are compatible with on all the needed levels *who changes with you in similar ways as life goes on*. The last part is what's hard and is always a gamble.
> 
> This guy is being honest about his situation, and chewing on him for what is a real and sometimes unavoidable situation for some people is just as hard to swallow as what you are saying is difficult to accept.




I should've elaborated a bit more. I never meant to imply attraction isn't important. I'm coming from a place of not believing diets work anyway and that while she may lose some weight, she'll likely never be thin and frankly there's an excellent chance she'll gain the weight back and then some. I would hope if jeff's gf got down to where she was when he first met her that he'd still be attracted to her. Is that unrealistic? That's why I said what I did about weight fluctuations and loving her for her. Whatever he was drawn to at the beginning would still be there. Her belly hang not being as low as it was six months earlier shouldn't make a difference if he loved her as a person to begin with. I never imagined it going away altogether. 

If she did diet down to a size 10? Yeah, I agree the physical attraction may be gone and without that, there's not much left for a long lasting relationship.


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## QtPatooti (Jun 26, 2007)

My advice: Communication is the most important tool in a relationship. Difficult at times, but necessary. Talk to her.

My experience: It is the attraction that makes me want to be with someone. But not everyone feels this way. You have to consider its importance to you.

The reality of being a person of size: me and/or we (people of size) walk tightropes between being appreciated and accepted by our admirers here, being urged (sometimes to the point of harrassment) by caring family members and doctors to lose weight and be healthier, societies bombardment of us with what they think the world wants us to look like and lastly our own knowledge of limits that some of us face being people of size.


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## Chubbyadmirer86 (Jun 27, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> Because of the way she was raised, I doubt she will ever be happy as a big girl, unless she never saw her mother. Every time she sees her mother, she starts feeling awful about herself and goes on a diet, because her mother pretty much constantly tells her how ugly she is. I assure her that her mother will never be happy with her. if she was skinny, her mom would find other faults. You don't wear enough make-up, you don't dress right, you're not trying hard enough to get ahead in your career... meanwhile, I always told her she was beautiful, when she was 150 lbs to when she was 250 lbs. but she'd rather chase after her mother's dream image of her than live her own life the way she wants to.



This goes *way* beyond weight. It sounds like she has deep seated issues that need therapy. These sorts of things take years to resolve. I think she should seek out a therapist. There doesn't seem to be anything you can do except wait and hope things get resolved in time.


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## Tina (Jun 27, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> She has no reason to want to be skinny.


That's not up to you to decide.


> It's so hard for me to deal with having had my dream girl develop my dream body


You may not have realized, but it's not your body, dream or not.


> I still love her, of course, but I'm having such trouble coping with this. Should i just give up and let her lose all this weight like she wants?


"Let" her lose? Since when is it up to you whether she loses or gains?

Major control and boundary issues here, with some rampant illusions of ownership sprinkled throughout. Personally, I think those issues of _yours _need to be addressed before anything having to do with her _her_ body is even discussed.

It's possible you just may not be communicating clearly, and I could be reading you wrong, but really, these statements show me that there is some kind of control issue with you where she is concerned.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 27, 2007)

SamanthaNY said:


> There are some statements you've made that are... of concern. I understand your passion for her figure, I truly do. But a lot of what you've written here sounds... selfish and controlling. This is your first post, however - so it's impossible to get a handle on someone's personality with so little information.
> 
> It's important to realize that while your girlfriend's changing shape _affects _you, it's not *about *you. Saying stuff about her 'doing it on purpose' and 'taking it from me' are out of touch with what's going on. Is it possible that your emotions are too tied up with her size and weight? Sure sounds that way. If you love her, shouldn't that mean that you love her no matter what her size?
> 
> ...


technically your right about the statment "If you love her, shouldn't that mean that you love her no matter what her size?" the problem with that is that that stament can be used with any thing just get rid of the word size and replace with another issue.


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## Canadian (Jun 27, 2007)

This is a dilemna that I've thought about before, and found kind of funny.

Funny in a shitty, self-deprecating sort of way though.

I like big girls. So do the other guys here. And to people who ask why, we say something along the lines of "A girl can be beautiful no matter what her size is". But it's bullshit. A girl starts losing weight, and BAM. We're just as shallow as any dude who would dump his girlfriend for GAINING weight. We like to think we're more open minded because of our preference, but we aren't. We just happen to be wired to find something different than the norm attractive.

The perfect guy would be one who TRULY didn't care what his girl's weight was. That's not me. I find a specific body type attractive. In that way, I'm no different than the guy who wants his girl to have a model's body. The shape I'm after is different, but I'm not.

And this sometimes leads me into unfair relationships. I've strung along girls that I have no emotional interest in, solely because they have that gorgeous face/perfect body combination that I'm after. If I didn't care about weight, that wouldn't happen. But I do. Let's face it. The gorgeous face on a perfect body combination is somewhat tough to find. It's rare. And when I find a girl that has that combination, sometimes I'll pursue her, even if I don't feel any emotional attraction to the girl at all.

I know it's shitty, and I've made a conscious effort to change my behaviour. I'm not the first guy to have treated a girl poorly, and I certainly won't be the last. Hopefully I can keep from regressing back into that sort of behaviour in the future.  

To the original poster - I understand where you're coming from. Where you're wrong though is in stating that her being big is a win/win situation. It's not, because she wasn't happy that way. Bottom line. I don't think your situation really has a win/win solution. Hopefully it can have a compromise solution though, because it sounds like you do care about her.

Sorry to be a downer, y'all. You know I love ya.


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## elle camino (Jun 27, 2007)

nah actually i thought that was a really thoughtful, honest post. 
we're all shallow bastards. dead serious, i once went out on like 4 dates with a guy i couldn't really stand talking to, just because he had amazing records, great tshirts, and drove a gold cadillac.


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## Mini (Jun 27, 2007)

Remember kids, it's not racism if you're a minority. 

/ Same thing, really
// Even I don't know if I mean that


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## Jay West Coast (Jun 27, 2007)

I could write a long drawn out post, but I don't really need to. I'm going to say this simply, as though I've never been in your position, but I really have. Here is my two-step solution. 

*1) Tell her that you love her the same no matter what she weighs, and that you'll always find her beautiful. Tell her that you support her. 

2) Do what you just said.* 

Honestly, you'll be much happier following this two-step process than trying to get her to gain the weight back (which is likely to happen anyway, lol). Weight is great, but sex is always best with a person you love.


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## Canadian (Jun 27, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> I could write a long drawn out post, but I don't really need to. I'm going to say this simply, as though I've never been in your position, but I really have. Here is my two-step solution.
> 
> *1) Tell her that you love her the same no matter what she weighs, and that you'll always find her beautiful. Tell her that you support her.
> 
> ...


I just don't think that's realistic. We can't pick and choose what we find beautiful. Life would sure be easier if we could.

Of course he could tell her that stuff... but if he has a significant preference for big girls, how can he follow through with #2? Sure, he could support her, but you can't make a conscious decision as to what you're attracted to.


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## Ample Pie (Jun 27, 2007)

Canadian said:


> I just don't think that's realistic. We can't pick and choose what we find beautiful. Life would sure be easier if we could.
> 
> Of course he could tell her that stuff... but if he has a significant preference for big girls, how can he follow through with #2? Sure, he could support her, but you can't make a conscious decision as to what you're attracted to.



In all fairness, Jay didn't suggest telling her he'd always be attracted to her, just that he'd always love her. Though I suppose finding her beautiful and attractive are the same to some people--I guess I read that differently. n/m carry on


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## Jay West Coast (Jun 27, 2007)

Rebecca said:


> In all fairness, Jay didn't suggest telling her he'd always be attracted to her, just that he'd always love her. Though I suppose finding her beautiful and attractive are the same to some people--I guess I read that differently. n/m carry on



Totally. You don't have to be engaged to your "fantasy" in order to be happy with your fiancee. Sure, it'd be neat, but that better not be the reason you asked her to marry you. 

And I didn't say it'd be easy, in fact the opposite. I've sat in that chair, ridden that wave, and walked that track. I have the T-shirt, cap, and overpriced tourist photo. I know all too well that it feels like she is purposefully rejecting his affection for her, a feeling few enjoy. Still, if he can't find her beautiful and wonderful even if she's on a diet, then he might not be ready to tie the knot. 

Think about how much you love her. I hold by my original statement that sex with someone you love is the best sex--regardless if she had dessert tonight or not.


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## elle camino (Jun 27, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> *wordswordswords*
> I hold by my original statement that sex with someone you love is the best sex--regardless if she had dessert tonight or not.


ok well yes to this too. 
i've definitely got a really specific type that i'm attracted to, but if i were going to take a relationship as far as the whole fiancee thing, it'd have to be a with a guy i'd like even if it was all seals and crofts records, hanes beefy T's and cadillacs in other colors than gold. 




my nickname this evening is abbygreement.


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## liz (di-va) (Jun 27, 2007)

I'm nodding along with y'all, eatin me popcorn. Yup. Reppy-rep rep.


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## Blackjack (Jun 27, 2007)

elle camino said:


> abbygreement.



Godammit, why won't it let me rep you for this?


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## cliffjeff (Jun 27, 2007)

I must say, I'm very happy for all the supportive posts as well as the ones chiding me for being 'controlling'. I need to hear it all. I won't deny that I've debated with her til blue in the face about why it's not this horrible thing to be fat. I've tried to change her mind as hard as I can, but I think at this point it's obviously not going to happen. She's very willful, and she'll always do what she wants no matter what I say. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons she's actually still dieting is that I've been trying to talk her out of it and she wants to prove that she doesn't have to listen to me. Bottom line, I have to stop my attempts to sway her to my 'side'. At the same time of course, her mother will never stop telling her she's ugly if she's fat, so the controlling will always keep coming from that direction  but it's obviously very unfair for my fiance to be this tug-of-war rope that's getting pulled in two directions. 

Anyway, you guys really have your heads screwed on straight. I need to start hanging out in this community more often  I've been a lurker here on and off for years but never posted til yesterday. Wish I could get away with reading and posting here from work, but that could lead to some awkward situations :huh:


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## Russell Williams (Jun 27, 2007)

It sounds like she is losing weight because her mother's opinion about what her body size should be is more important than her own, or yours.

However, since the statistics I've seen suggest that only about one in 20 dieters actually succeed in keeping the weight off the likely reality of the situation is that if you can love her at any size she is and tell her that you will not interfere with her dieting attempts because you will find her beautiful thin or fat, in time the diet will fail and, because she has dieted, you will wind up with a fatter girlfriend and she will wind up with a fatter body than if she had never dieted.

I was going to say that you can have your cake and eat it too but then realized that that might be taken as a sexual comment.

I have met women who have learned that if someone tells them to go on a diet the proper and scientifically accurate response is, "Why do you think I should be fatter?"

Yours truly,

Russell Williams


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## Ruby Ripples (Jun 27, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> I could write a long drawn out post, but I don't really need to. I'm going to say this simply, as though I've never been in your position, but I really have. Here is my two-step solution.
> 
> *1) Tell her that you love her the same no matter what she weighs, and that you'll always find her beautiful. Tell her that you support her.
> 
> ...



Yes, thats why Dimensions chat is filled with FA guys married to 160lb women, women who hate their "fat" bodies. these guys love their wives, and so come to the chatroom for a "fat fix", because they don't have that physical side to their relationships that they really want, I actually would go as far as to say "need". Those guys have a gaping hole in their lives, and that isn't an exaggeration. Maybe some men CAN be happy like you said Jay, but I believe that physical attraction is a very big part of a happy relationship.


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## Ruby Ripples (Jun 27, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Actually, it might be a good idea for this to happen. Honestly, loving someone for who they are is great, and it's crucial to have that, but on the same token, physical attraction is not always something you can convince yourself into having. Realistically, if that is not there, the resulting sexual dysfunction can be crippling to the relationship. The reason relationships are so difficult is because it's very rare to find someone who you are compatible with on all the needed levels *who changes with you in similar ways as life goes on*. The last part is what's hard and is always a gamble.
> 
> This guy is being honest about his situation, and chewing on him for what is a real and sometimes unavoidable situation for some people is just as hard to swallow as what you are saying is difficult to accept.
> 
> ...



I think this is a fantastic post, completely honest and true. I just hate to think of another frustrated FA being made, haunting fat sites on the internet and being sniped at by us single women, because they are desperate for fat femaleness in their life. These guys love their wives and will always be there for their wives and will probably stay faithful to their wives, but they are deep down sad inside and missing something very important to them. Physical/sexual attraction is a huge thing, no matter how wonderful one's mind is. Simple fact. 



Wagimawr said:


> That's more disturbing than anything else you've posted.
> 
> Somewhere, somehow, the connection needs to be made that her mother will never be happy with her, no matter what. It's probably best that she discovers that for herself, but my God, what torment to go through until she does.



I guess a lot of us have been through that with controlling mothers. I hope too that this girl realises that about her mother, but even when and if she does, her mother sounds like a large and looming presence in her life, and even accepting her own fatness and telling the mother that's how it is, will probably not stop her comments, ugh. 



Chubbyadmirer86 said:


> This goes *way* beyond weight. It sounds like she has deep seated issues that need therapy. These sorts of things take years to resolve. I think she should seek out a therapist. There doesn't seem to be anything you can do except wait and hope things get resolved in time.



I think it's her mother that needs the therapist. Damn families!


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## gangstadawg (Jun 27, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Yes, thats why Dimensions chat is filled with FA guys married to 160lb women, women who hate their "fat" bodies. these guys love their wives, and so come to the chatroom for a "fat fix", because they don't have that physical side to their relationships that they really want, I actually would go as far as to say "need". Those guys have a gaping hole in their lives, and that isn't an exaggeration. Maybe some men CAN be happy like you said Jay, but I believe that physical attraction is a very big part of a happy relationship.


i agree the physical part is a big part. if it wasnt then most men could handle there wives or girlfriends getting sexual reassignment surgery and become males and would have a issue with it.


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## Shosh (Jun 27, 2007)

Canadian said:


> This is a dilemna that I've thought about before, and found kind of funny.
> 
> Funny in a shitty, self-deprecating sort of way though.
> 
> ...



I'll Have the perfect face/perfect body combo thanks, hold the fries. Even in the BBW world women are still probably ranked on having the perfect package. Disclaimer I am only speaking for myself, but as a woman I find this depressing.
Susannah


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 27, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Yes, thats why Dimensions chat is filled with FA guys married to 160lb women, women who hate their "fat" bodies. these guys love their wives, and so come to the chatroom for a "fat fix", because they don't have that physical side to their relationships that they really want, I actually would go as far as to say "need". Those guys have a gaping hole in their lives, and that isn't an exaggeration. Maybe some men CAN be happy like you said Jay, but I believe that physical attraction is a very big part of a happy relationship.



Bingo! It would totally piss in my cornflakes if I knew my SO were ogling skinny chicks to get off because he loved me but wasn't attracted to my body. All of these reasonings sound so sanitary and well thought out but mediocre, in my view, is overrated. I don't want somebody who resolves to enact the appropriate thing in my favor and marry me anyway.  ANYWAY? Jees. Don't do this to yourself or to her. You should have an honest discussion with your sweetie about how you feel. Ask her right out if SHE wants to be married to a guy who doesn't find her attractive but loves her mind, heart and soul. Some women think that's pretty nifty and would be delighted to know that you're such a fine upstanding young man who thought things through and decided to act in favor of what seems right in the eyes of the people. Speaking only for myself though, no thanks. I think it's a little unfair that you hold all the cards and can brood over things and decide what you would like but she doesn't get see your hand or have any choices. If you fear honesty that much that's a red flag and not a good way to start out. You're doomed already.


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## Littleghost (Jun 27, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> That's more disturbing than anything else you've posted.
> 
> Somewhere, somehow, the connection needs to be made that her mother will never be happy with her, no matter what. It's probably best that she discovers that for herself, but my God, what torment to go through until she does.


Some people can never escape their parents' shadow. Even if the parents themselves are well-meaning, they don't realize the massive damage they are doing to their children that they 'only want the best for' or 'only want them to be happy'. And I think that a lot of the sons/daughters in this situation know the problem, but can't deal with it. After all, how can they bring themselves to deny the people who are psychologically their 'personal gods'? It's an extremely wrenching and messy situation. It certainly doesn't help that they are the people that basically developed the child into an adult.


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## imfree (Jun 27, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Bingo! It would totally piss in my cornflakes if I knew my SO were ogling skinny chicks to get off because he loved me but wasn't attracted to my body. All of these reasonings sound so sanitary and well thought out but mediocre, in my view, is overrated. I don't want somebody who resolves to enact the appropriate thing in my favor and marry me anyway.  ANYWAY? Jees. Don't do this to yourself or to her. You should have an honest discussion with your sweetie about how you feel. Ask her right out if SHE wants to be married to a guy who doesn't find her attractive but loves her mind, heart and soul. Some women think that's pretty nifty and would be delighted to know that you're such a fine upstanding young man who thought things through and decided to act in favor of what seems right in the eyes of the people. Speaking only for myself though, no thanks. I think it's a little unfair that you hold all the cards and can brood over things and decide what you would like but she doesn't get see your hand or have any choices. If you fear honesty that much that's a red flag and not a good way to start out. You're doomed already.



AMEN, Lilly, I endured such a marriage for 14 years. Before the advent of the internet and before I had a full understanding of my "FAdom",
I married a woman who was not happy to be obese.My ex and I have one
son. The marriage, a painful 14 year long emergency for the three of us,
ended in divorce. We separated in October 1999 and I STILL feel so mentally
and sexually damaged that despite my physical disabilities and limitations, my
sexual dysfunction is because of psychological issues!
Failure to be open and honest can result in profound mental anguish!


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## Tad (Jun 27, 2007)

Ive been there (and am still there) on dealing with the SOs weight loss, but not on the critical mother. So Im going to blather about the part that I at least have some experience with, then ramble cluelessly on the other. As always, this advice is worth what you paid for it, your mileage may vary, and all that.

When I met my wife she weighed around 145 pounds, when we got married she was around 210, and a couple of years later she was pushing 240. Like you I assured her she was beautiful, not too bigand for me she was certainly not too big, I was looking forward to at least a bit more. Then she decided that she was too fat. She said all the usual things about being healthy and so on, but I think that really the biggest issue was that at that size she was starting to look not just big, but fat. That is her face was getting quite round, she was starting to get pouches of fat at knees and elbows, starting to get a crease in her belly, starting to get rolls of fat on her back, and so on. Of course I loved all of that, and was thrilled that it was starting. But while she could handle being big, I think she could not accept being fat in that undeniable sort of way. Whatever the reason she resolved to lose weight. 

Now, as I said, she phrased it all in terms of getting healthier. I realized that I could not, and should not, try and stop her from doing what she wanted to, but I also really dont think that focus on weight is wise. So I engaged with her very closely on this, putting the focus on long term healthy lifestyle. I made sure to debunk all the trendy diets, highlight how 95% of diets fail, and so on. I made sure to encourage her to get more active, and we worked together to improve our eating habits. Not that our eating habits were terrible, but steadily weve improved them. 

She did lose twenty pounds or so in the first year or so, but then she got pregnant. She didnt really gain more than a couple of pounds net over the pregnancy, but her weight did then stabilize for quite some years. A couple of years ago, for whatever reason (actually I suspect it was largely stress) she started losing again, and dropped down to close to two hundred, which I was finding pretty painfully thin. Fortunately weve managed to make changes to make our life happier and less stressful again, and she re-gained several pounds, just enough to soften her jaw-line and rib cage to less disturbing levels.

I really think that by focusing on healthy lifestyle she has probably lost less weight than she would have otherwise, but I think she is healthier for itactually we both are, because of course my eating habits improved along with hers. Now, sexually speaking, of course I miss the weight she lost, and for that matter the weight Id imagined for her that never appeared. But I guess a lot of couples have to deal with less than perfect lust levels over time, Im sure she is would be more physically attracted to me if I had not gained a noticeable gut over time, but these things happen. 

However aside from achieving a healthier and slower weight loss, the emphasis on health had a really important psychological impact that helped me deal with all of that. See, if her focus had stayed on weight loss, I could not have faked enthusiasm for her victories, and that would have been a pretty poisonous thing for our relationship to deal with. As it is however, I can congratulate her on the thousands of kilometers that shes logged on her bike, or celebrate with her when we see some article on healthy eating and realize that we are pretty much doing what they say, and so on. So we can enjoy the health focused lifestyle together, and it becomes a good thing for our relationship.

So this is really my recommendation in that regard. Talk to her about the diet stats, and the dangers of yo-yo diets. Emphasize the importance of gradual, long term, lifestyle changes. Tell her that youll support her in those efforts, and accept that theyll result in some weight lossbut that you dont support weight loss for its own sake. Find some common ground, where you can take on these things together, instead of letting them drive you apart.

As to her motherthat sounds just poisonous. I guess the really key question is does she realize how her mother is poison, and how much she has probably internalized her mothers voice? Obviously attacking her mother is not a good idea. However perhaps you can campaign to have her look more to you, and less to her birth family. Maybe that will get easier after actually getting married, I dont know. Living farther away might help too..

If you look up cognitive behavioral therapy, youll find that it is largely to do with re-writing the scripts in your head. That is, realizing when you are attacking yourself, learning to cut those off, and eventually re-writing them. Often weve internalized critical voices and carry them around with us. With a mother like you describe, your fiancée has almost certainly done so. I dont know if there is any way you could expose her to these thoughts. Perhaps pick up a book about it for yourself and follow it as best you can, without pushing it onto her. That may plant the seed for her to start thinking about this, and lead to her starting to think about these issues and working to change it. But I can imagine that it would be hard to push it on her. And of course when she is still exposed regularly to her mother it would be that much harder to shut out her moms voice, I think.

Now, if her Mom does the same to others, maybe you could point that out sometimes? After a visit say I wish your mom would not put down your brother all the time. Or It really makes me uncomfortable when you mom cuts down your dad in front of us. Or something. Help her identify her moms critical behavior as it applies to others, and then maybe shell begin to realize how inappropriate that criticism is when it is aimed at her too. Or something like that.

More than anything else, I wish you the best of luck with this. There is no magic solution, and no single best approach. Like so many things in life I think you muddle through as best as you can. I guess my best advice when it comes to muddling through with relationship issues is to always choose the tactic that helps pull you together, rather than driving you apart.

Regards;

-Ed


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## pani (Jun 27, 2007)

A agree with Russell and Ruby. I agree with Russel in that it seems from what you said, she wants to lose weight more from social pressure than her own desire. For me personally, that might make me want to move on. NOT because of weight loss itself, but because of the other unhealthy dynamics involved. I am a FFA. If I were involved with a BHM whose lifelong dream was to climb Mt Everest and he convinced me it was safer for him to drop a few pounds to do it, fine! I would be 100% supportive because it was coming from within him. But if he was bullied into due to an unhealthy realtionship with family or friends, I would start to question if he was the right partner for me. What else would he go along with? Will these other people's opinions always have such an effect on my life. Keep in mind though that I am in my mid 40's! You are still young and seem quite mature for your age. Separating from family, choosing the healthy vs unhealthy relationships, standing up for oneself is a process. It is natural to be going through it at your age and your girlfriend's age. You are very wise not to pressure her because you are right. If you tell her NOT to lose weight, she will do it to spite you so she won't recreate the controling relationship she has with mom. If you give her freedom to make her own mistakes, while not compromising your own priniciples she will appreciate you more. 

I also agree with Ruby that it is sooooo sad that men have thin wives but NEED to have fat in their lives. It is unfair to everyone all the way around. Especially in situations where men actually have fat mistresses. It is unfair to thin women who get cheated out of their husband's full attention. And it is unfair to fat women who often suffer economic consequences of not having the house, IRA or social security benefits. Of course no woman needs a man to be financially independent, but statistically married couples with two incomes are better off monetarily. It is easier to qualify for a mortage with two incomes ect. This hypocracy hurts many fat women in the pocket book!


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## Wild Zero (Jun 27, 2007)

I'm always perturbed by threads like these because the OPs generally come off as insincere and terrible people to be in a relationship with.

That's just my assumption, just as the OPs of such threads tend to assume their significant others are feeling all these societal/familial pressures to conform to the norm and drop a few pounds. 

Can you really be sure of this? 
Because one of the only attributes aside from her size that's been mentioned in this thread was _"She's very willful, and she'll always do what she wants no matter what I say."_ 

So what changed that to her being a slave to her mother's will and totally unable to stand up to her family? The fact that she's dieting? If you are willing to sell your partner that short in terms of their independence why are you even in a relationship with them to begin with? You might claim that aside from her body (which isn't even slim yet as she's just starting apparently)you love her personality and intelligence but it sure doesn't sound that way from the bits of description given. Instead she comes off like a ditzy girl who wants oh so bad to be accepted. Oh but she happens to be big and gained weight so you can look past that as long as she stays big.

Your fiancée working out and eating different foods is probably the most trivial problem you'll face if you were to get married, so maybe you should just call it off. But be sure to tell her the reason for the break up, because if you "love" her as much as you claim then maybe being slapped in the mouth and told off by her will carry far more weight than my words.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 27, 2007)

You've already received so much good advice that I almost hesitate to add my .02 worth. The reason I'm posting is because I've been where you are and lived through it, so maybe my experiences will be helpful.
My ex-wife was a BBW who got gallstones. The whole gallbladder surgery and recovery process was so difficutl that she decided she needed to lose weight. I supported her all the way, including attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings with her _every week_ and listening to people tell about hiding cookies under the sofa cushions (I'm not kidding here). I met a lot of people who were very focused on weight loss, and the one thing they had in common (besides hiding cookies) was a firm belief that once they got to their target weight, the sun would shine, bluebirds would sing, and life would be unalloyed joy. And some of them _did_ reach their target weight, and they realized they were still the same people, no happier or sadder than before.
So here's my point: your gf's diet is going to fail. No matter how much weight she loses, it won't change what's inside her head, and that's what's making her happy or miserable. It also sounds as if she wants to lose weight to earn her mother's love, and that isn't going to happen, either; Mom's identity and sense of self-worth seem to be tied up in a kind of rivalry with her daughter that necessitates finding fault with her, if I read you right. My dad was the same way, and I spent my youth knocking myself out to try to win his acceptance...but whatever I managed to do, there was always something else wrong. When your gf can count her ribs without taking her coat off, and the bluebirds still don't sing, _then_ she's going to need you more than ever. She's going to have to put the pieces together, and it's going to be hard. Please be there for her.


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## Jane (Jun 27, 2007)

At a quiet, tender time, I would simply ask her to be sure that she's doing it because it's what she wants, not because of what anyone else wants.

Then support her, whatever her decision.

Keeping weight off is MUCH, MUCH harder than losing weight. Yo-yo dieting is unhealthy as heck.


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## ExpandingHorizons (Jun 27, 2007)

IF I were you, I would move on and respect her wishes if she is serious on dieting and has no acception in fat. Relationships are hard to deal with sometimes. OF course, communication is very important because you would have to discuss with her in detail about how you and she feels. 

I do have the same problem as you. I find fat women attractive and I don't find skinny women attractive.


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## James (Jun 27, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> Now, her family is incredibly shallow and mainstream. They all have had tons of plastic surgery and spend like 30 hours a week in the gym each. Needless to say, her mother makes her feel terrible for being big. She made my fiance utterly neurotic. Now my fiance loathes the way she looks. She's dieting her ass off - literally.



Her family is shallow and make her feel terrible for being big. This makes her "utterly neurotic". You however, are deep (?) and want to make her feel great for being big. This makes you different than them?

As others have said, these are two sides of the same weight-fixation coin jeff... 

not that I dont sympathise, to an extent I've also been in this situation, but if, beyond debate, all she wants is to lose weight (which is her perogative)... then thats what you have to support if you really want to be with her... 

bottom line...


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## James (Jun 27, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Yes, thats why Dimensions chat is filled with FA guys married to 160lb women, women who hate their "fat" bodies. these guys love their wives, and so come to the chatroom for a "fat fix", because they don't have that physical side to their relationships that they really want, I actually would go as far as to say "need". Those guys have a gaping hole in their lives, and that isn't an exaggeration. Maybe some men CAN be happy like you said Jay, but I believe that physical attraction is a very big part of a happy relationship.



Doesnt make the point wrong... physical attraction isnt just about fat, fatter, fattest. 

I've never been on the chat but it sounds to me like these dudes of which you speak shouldnt have married skinny chicks!


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## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 27, 2007)

As a person who continually faced family and friends who actively undermined me and reminded me that without fat, I would be even more beautiful, success full,etc I have this piece of advice to your girl:

Move. Get out. Find out who you are and what makes you happy and what makes you comfortable in your own skin.

Love accepts, love does not judge.


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## cliffjeff (Jun 27, 2007)

I'll say thanks again for all the advice everyone =p more stuff than I can count, i have to take notes hehe

to the people who are still down on me for the way I'm acting, calling me shallow and stuff... I can't really deny it. Most if not all of us are shallow in a way or we wouldn't be here, on a board dedicated to how beautiful we think a particular body type is, and for discussing issues related to that body type... 

We are products of our environment and our genes. Her family had much more time to convince her that fat is ugly than I had to convince her that fat is beautiful. She has low self confidence in general, and I know for a fact that when she was skinny, she still didn't like the way she looked. We've been together for almost half her life at this point (she's 23, we've been together since she was 15), and I know it's just not *in* her to feel downright sexy. I have told her she's beautiful pretty much every day we've been together for these last ~8 years - multiple times a day, most days. from when she weighed 150 to 250. no dice. I have tried to show her how beautiful and how loved she is, in bed, with presents, kind deeds... still no dice.

People are fickle, women and men alike. She's neurotic in thinking she has to be skinny, I'm neurotic in thinking she has to be fat for me to be attracted to her. I don't think I'll let this issue tear us apart, when we love each other and have so much history... I mostly came here to vent, for advice, and for sympathy, and I've gotten a lot of it all =p


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## Ruby Ripples (Jun 27, 2007)

James said:


> Doesnt make the point wrong... physical attraction isnt just about fat, fatter, fattest.
> 
> I've never been on the chat but it sounds to me like these dudes of which you speak shouldnt have married skinny chicks!




Yes I agree it isnt about fat, fatter, fattest. But if a person has a preference and its what turns them on, then having something very different can make it very difficult in a relationship. And yes to the second point, those dudes shouldnt have married skinny chicks, I absolutely agree!


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## gangstadawg (Jun 27, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> i agree the physical part is a big part. if it wasnt then most men could handle there wives or girlfriends getting sexual reassignment surgery and become males and would have a issue with it.



i meant to say would not. my bad.


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## spiderman (Jun 27, 2007)

bloody hell, i'm kinda in the same situation myself. i'm in a relationship with an amazing girl (we just had our 1 and a half year anniversary last weekend) and just today we had a fight over her on again off again weight loss obsession. 

she's always been bloody insecure about herself and very emotional with a short fuse. she's got it in her mind that being "overweight" (G-d i hate that word, implying there's a "normal" size and totally disregarding somatotype, ethnicity, fitness, etc) is just wrong and the thinness gods will send her to hell for it. i know exactly where she got all that bullshit that's filling her head, too. she used to be a cheerleader in high school (can someone say bulimia, cuz that's exactly what she went through and get this, it was _encouraged by her bloody coaches), she's always wanted to fit in with the norm, and her family's very unsupportive and often dictate what doctors have told them, even if it's totally inapplicable to her. 

iv'e tried to explain to her that being thin is not all that there is to life and tha bigger people aren't necessarily unhealthy. size doesn't always cause unhealthiness, in fact most of the unhealthy people i know are thin. but she's got it in her pretty little head that i'm wrong and since it's the way of the world today, it's just gotta be right to be thin. oh, did i mention she's stubborn? 

so anyway, we've gotten into it a few times and every time i've walked away wondering what the hell is gonna happen to us. it's really never pretty. i have to grin and bear it with the best of em even though half the time i feel like my insides got freddy kreugered. and here's the thing: i love her completely. sometimes i don't know how to express myself to her. 

life, eh. all i can say is, dude, yer not alone._


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## Jon Blaze (Jun 28, 2007)

Whether she decides to lose weight or not: She can do that without having to listen to her not so respectful family.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> technically your right about the statment "If you love her, shouldn't that mean that you love her no matter what her size?" *the problem with that is that that statement can be used with any thing just get rid of the word size and replace with another issue*.




Yeah, like what if she saw his penis and didn't like the size? What if she left him because of penis size even though she liked/loved everything else about him?


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## Wagimawr (Jun 28, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> Her family had much more time to convince her that fat is ugly than I had to convince her that fat is beautiful.


Remember, it shouldn't be that FAT is beautiful, but that SHE is beautiful.

My opinion? Run. Get away. Not only is she desiring to be someone you would rather she wasn't (purely physically speaking), but it sounds to me that she's completely and utterly married to pleasing her mother.

Fat or thin, that right there should be enough reason to distance yourself, unless you're a VERY persuasive type that can convince her to forget about what her mother thinks.


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## Tina (Jun 28, 2007)

Ed, if they gave Post of the Year awards yours would be it, in my book.

Your love and respect for your wife just shines through.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yeah, like what if she saw his penis and didn't like the size? What if she left him because of penis size even though she liked/loved everything else about him?


or again lets take it to an extreme with it. or lets say she wants to become male should he love her still?


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## Wagimawr (Jun 28, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> or again lets take it to an extreme with it. or lets say she wants to become male should he love her still?


Ideally, yes.

Right?


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Yes I agree it isnt about fat, fatter, fattest. But if a person has a preference and its what turns them on, then having something very different can make it very difficult in a relationship. And yes to the second point, those dudes shouldnt have married skinny chicks, I absolutely agree!


some people unfortunatly feel that having a physical preferance is wrong.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> Ideally, yes.
> 
> Right?



um no. unless he is BI or gay or he is in to that but then this would become a complicated issue because then he would be with a man that used to be a woman. plus technically it would by label change his sexuality (i think).


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## James (Jun 28, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> some people unfortunatly feel that having a physical preferance is wrong.



Having a preference isnt wrong. Making it an unwanted condition of love is.


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## Wagimawr (Jun 28, 2007)

Well, the ideal, again, is that the focus is on and the love is for the person, not on the gender/sexuality/looks/weight/height/physical characteristics/etc.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> Well, the ideal, again, is that the focus is on and the love is for the person, not on the gender/sexuality/looks/weight/height/physical characteristics/etc.


and you do realise that sex is involved in a relationship usually right and love is part of that but so is the physical attraction. well here is a question for you. lets say your wife or girlfriend which ever you decide on decided they wanted a sex change (the full surgery) for what ever reason. would you still be in a relationship with her after wards?


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## Wagimawr (Jun 28, 2007)

Not talking about me here. I'm not gay, I have no interest in sexual relations with males, so no, not me.

But again, the ideal, progressive, most respectfully viewed approach is that you love the person for who they are on the inside.

EDIT: We should probably avoid the gender discussion here, though, since that sort of thing tends to open cans. >_>


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> um no. unless he is BI or gay or he is in to that but then this would become a complicated issue because then he would be with a man that used to be a woman. plus technically it would by label change his sexuality (i think).




so you perceive an attraction to bigger women the same as being attracted to men? That correlation doesn't fit... he is dissatisfied with size- so the other side of the spectrum was what if she was dissatisfied with his..."size"? 

I thought it a fair question....


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

James said:


> Having a preference isn't wrong. Making it an unwanted condition of love is.




THANK YOU GOD- someone gets it.....:doh:


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## Wagimawr (Jun 28, 2007)

It is a fair question, and gangstadawg's only taking it a step further by probing the outer limits, and saying "is there a point where you have to say, in love or not, I can't deal with the outside physical changes anymore?"

Again, I would say that ideally, there should be no such point, because the focus should be on who the person is on the inside.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> so you perceive an attraction to bigger women the same as being attracted to men? That correlation doesn't fit... he is dissatisfied with size- so the other side of the spectrum was what if she was dissatisfied with his..."size"?
> 
> I thought it a fair question....


no im saying the change in appearance or physical looks. what is a persons limit to there signifigant others appearance changes (gain or lose weight or other changes major or minor) before they say they want out of the relationship. i also said that other part because some peeps here are saying love her no matter what she looks like which can include not being physically attracted to her.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> It is a fair question, and gangstadawg's only taking it a step further by probing the outer limits, and saying "is there a point where you have to say, in love or not, I can't deal with the outside physical changes anymore?"
> 
> Again, I would say that ideally, there should be no such point, because the focus should be on who the person is on the inside.




Actually, I was more interested in knowing how men feel if a woman decides she is dissatisfied about him physically (something that society tells you is quite important too, btw) - and considers dumping him for it even though he's perfect in every other way.....


Seriously, how would you guys feel if a woman decided she didn't want to be with you anymore due to penis size?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> no im saying the change in appearance or physical looks. what is a persons limit to there signifigant others appearance before they say they want out of the relationship.



So what if she dates you for three years, knowing your size, then one day decides she is dissatisfied? The OP said she was thinner when they started dating... he must have been happy with her size then.... but now that she is heavier, he feels like he is being cheated if she loses some weight?


Why didn't he just go for a bigger woman to begin with if it's THAT important to him...?


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> THANK YOU GOD- someone gets it.....:doh:



i have been saying that for years.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> So what if she dates you for three years, knowing your size, then one day decides she is dissatisfied? The OP said she was thinner when they started dating... he must have been happy with her size then.... but now that she is heavier, he feels like he is being cheated if she loses some weight?



some weight is ok to feel healthy or to be healthy. but if its for looks or vanity (mainly to be actually skinny) then a guy can prolly expect the random question "do i look fat in this?" any ways if his preferance is for big woman then going out with a skinny woman (or a woman that loses weight to be come actually thin) is more than likely going to be counter-productive in the relationship.


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## Wagimawr (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> The OP said she was thinner when they started dating... he must have been happy with her size then.... but now that she is heavier, he feels like he is being cheated if she loses some weight?
> 
> 
> Why didn't he just go for a bigger woman to begin with if it's THAT important to him...?


You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Green Eyed Fairy again.


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## Jon Blaze (Jun 28, 2007)

gangstadawg said:


> some weight is ok to feel healthy or to be healthy. but if its for looks or vanity (mainly to be actually skinny) then a guy can prolly expect the random question "do i look fat in this?" any ways if his preferance is for big woman then going out with a skinny woman (or a woman that loses weight to be come actually thin) is more than likely going to be counter-productive in the relationship.



There's a fine line between preference and requirement.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yeah, like what if she saw his penis and didn't like the size? What if she left him because of penis size even though she liked/loved everything else about him?



If he were obsessed with his penis size and was on a never ending quest to change it with drugs, tools, surgery, etc. that would be a deterrent for me after a while -- especially if he requires me to be involved in it or offer him support and encouragement. Call me a bitch but no.


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## pickleman357 (Jun 28, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> Not talking about me here. I'm not gay, I have no interest in sexual relations with males, so no, not me.
> 
> But again, the ideal, progressive, most respectfully viewed approach is that you love the person for who they are on the inside.
> 
> EDIT: We should probably avoid the gender discussion here, though, since that sort of thing tends to open cans. >_>



But I think the point here is; it's not what you like. If a once BBW suddenly decides to lose weight until she's skin and bones. I'm sorry,but I'm not a necrophiliac and I don't like do walking skeletons.

Guys are visual, period. If we don't find a woman attractive, our dick doesn't go up and what do you think that would do to a woman's self-esteem? She just spent years of time and money to become something that she and her parents thinks is sexy, but that her husband doesn't think is sexy at all. This is not a good position to be in! You're not marring and having sex with your parents. Relationships are a 2 way street, you have to go both ways and concider what each other wants.

Relationships are selfish, but its a shared selfishness. No one (that I know of) goes into the dating scene, just to drop what they want so they can make someone else happy. You can get a job doing that. You seek a relationship with someone to be happy in life, right?

My suggestion, if the woman wants to loose weight down to nothing. Just tell her flat out; I love you for your heart, mind, and soul, but if you do this to yourself we're never having sex again because I won't be able to keep up an erection around you. If she says something about viagra, I'm thinking that's borderlining on prostatution. This isn't giong to be a happy marriage, IMO.

Another thing you can bring up is if she'll compromise. She can lose weight, but still be thick and soft and when all the lights are off still have that same soft fatty feel to her body that you enjoy now. 

But then again if she's just loosing weight just to defy you, then she's starting to sound like a bitch and/or has some serious mental problems (emotional or whatever). I wouldn't stick around.


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## Jane (Jun 28, 2007)

It's LOSE not LOOSE.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 28, 2007)

> But I think the point here is; it's not what you like. If a once BBW suddenly decides to lose weight until she's skin and bones. I'm sorry,but I'm not a necrophiliac and I don't like do walking skeletons.



There are plenty of sizes and shapes between BBW and "walking skeletons." Men who prefer smaller women are not necrophiliacs.



> Guys are visual, period. If we don't find a woman attractive, our dick doesn't go up and what do you think that would do to a woman's self-esteem? She just spent years of time and money to become something that she and her parents thinks is sexy, but that her husband doesn't think is sexy at all. This is not a good position to be in! You're not marring and having sex with your parents. Relationships are a 2 way street, you have to go both ways and concider what each other wants.



It's true that men tend to be visual, but is it really necessary to be so crass as to say "our dick doesn't go up.." And I don't think anyone has to consider what somebody else wants when it comes to his or her body. Not one person flamed the OP for liking BBW's, his post only annoyed people when he acted as if his GF's actions only mattered with regards to his sexual preference and when he seemed to see her weight loss as a personal affront to him.

Relationships are selfish, but its a shared selfishness. No one (that I know of) goes into the dating scene, just to drop what they want so they can make someone else happy. You can get a job doing that. You seek a relationship with someone to be happy in life, right?



> My suggestion, if the woman wants to loose weight down to nothing. Just tell her flat out; I love you for your heart, mind, and soul, but if you do this to yourself we're never having sex again because I won't be able to keep up an erection around you. If she says something about viagra, I'm thinking that's borderlining on prostatution. This isn't giong to be a happy marriage, IMO.



What a great idea, manipulations and threats are great additions to any partnership. If he is hardwired to where he can't get aroused unless his partner is a BBW, then he should not be with a woman who wants to be smaller. But referring to weight loss as some sort of self abuse and doing *exactly* what her parents have done is just an all round horrible thing to do. Her parents may have told her she's worthless for being fat, but your suggestion says the same thing only it says she's less valuable if she's thin.



> Another thing you can bring up is if she'll compromise. She can lose weight, but still be thick and soft and when all the lights are off still have that same soft fatty feel to her body that you enjoy now.



It's her body, and no, he should not ask her to compromise. It's not like saying "If we watch a movie tonight, can we go to a baseball game on Saturday?"



> But then again if she's just loosing weight just to defy you, then she's starting to sound like a bitch and/or has some serious mental problems (emotional or whatever). I wouldn't stick around.



If you read the OP, he claimed she is losing weight because of her family. And even if her size had become a point of contention between them, this happens in some relationships. It does not make her a "bitch" and is not indicative of "mental problems."

What is upsetting about your line of thinking is not that you prefer one body type over another, but that it buys into the line of thinking that a woman's body is somehow a public entity and she needs to take others' feelings into account when she makes choices of what to do with it.


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## MisticalMisty (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Seriously, how would you guys feel if a woman decided she didn't want to be with you anymore due to penis size?



Ok, seriously..these are two totally different things. Why? Because a person can change their weight, but a man can not change the size of his penis....he can try I guess..lol but I'm not sure it's ever been done.

Listen, we'd all like to believe in the fairytale that we are going to be loved no matter what we look like, for better or worse..BLAH BLAH BLAH.

What it boils down to is this... if you are not attracted to your mate, then it's going to become increasingly difficult for you to want to be intimate with that person. Your sex life will begin a steady decline and we all know that once sex is gone the relationshp becomes stagnant and is pretty much over. One or both of the parties involved will either look elsewhere for what they desire or they will shut down.

I don't think the OP is being shallow at all. His tactics are less than appealing, but as Ruby mentioned several pages back, there are men that are married to skinny women who frequent chat to get their fat fix. While loving someone for who they are is a very noble idea, most of us know that there are other factors involved.

My advice....talk to her. Really have a come to Jesus meeting about her reasoning for dieting. Then you'll have to decide if you want to live a life with a person that is uncomfortable with their body or if you want to find someone who is confident with who they are and what they look like. 

Personally, I don't want a man that isn't completely attracted to everything I have to offer. Being fat is part of who I am, he damn sure better like it. I would never expect to find an FA, marry him and then decide that I'm no longer happy at 360 lbs and I want to loose 250 of it. That's completely unfair to the both of us.

Good luck.


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## Tina (Jun 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> What is upsetting about your line of thinking is not that you prefer one body type over another, but that it buys into the line of thinking that a woman's body is somehow a public entity and she needs to take others' feelings into account when she makes choices of what to do with it.


BINGO!! That's what I was getting at, too.

If we care for our partner, we take their feelings into account, but ultimately must do what we feel is best for ourselves, whether it's to lose or gain (and then, of course our partner must decide if that's what's right for them, too). But to say that she was one way at the beginning, and then gave him the gift of gaiing weight, and then took it away (yes, the awful bitch), it implies a certain feeling of ownership of her, her body and the way she looks.

*ETA*: I'm not one to say that a person shouldn't care whether they are attracted to their mate or not, because yes, it matters. What I take issue with is that, to me, this thread has always been about the language of entitlement and petulance of the OP, and not about the fact that he likely won't be able to find her sexually stimulating if she loses weight. In the end, we can't really do much to change what we're attracted to.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 28, 2007)

And that is what tends to rub women the wrong way when we see these "How can I encourage my girlfriend to be fat?" posts.

Nobody has ever flamed a post for saying the poster likes fat chicks. Nobody has ever flamed anyone for saying "I wish my girlfriend were bigger" or "I fantasize about her gaining."

With this OP, he lost me at the word "let", as in "should I let her lose weight." What tends to get flamed by women of all shapes and sizes is the idea that her choices about her body should take into account what a man will find sexually appealing. Of course you want to please and be attractive to your partner, but if you adjust yourself to fit somebody else's needs, you will lose yourself in the process.


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## Tina (Jun 28, 2007)

Yes, and haven't women been doing that for ages? Corsets, high heel stilts and other contraptions that made them supposedly look 'better' for men certainly aren't for the woman's own edification. These things are and always have been sold to women to underscore that a woman's worth is gauged by how sexually attractive to men she is. And the opposite side of that coin, is the entitled male who feels he _should_ be able to have, and choose from, women who are dressed to the nines and are the very definition of a socially acceptable beauty -- whether that society is mainstream or the Dimensions world. Even if that guy rarely shaves or showers, and dresses from the dollar store.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 28, 2007)

Tina said:


> Yes, and haven't women been doing that for ages? Corsets, high heel stilts and other contraptions that made them supposedly look 'better' for men certainly aren't for the woman's own edification. These things are and always have been sold to women to underscore that a woman's worth is gauged by how sexually attractive to men she is. And the opposite side of that coin, is the entitled male who feels he _should_ be able to have, and choose from, women who are dressed to the nines and are the very definition of a socially acceptable beauty -- whether that society is mainstream or the Dimensions world. Even if that guy rarely shaves or showers, and dresses from the dollar store.



Crushing my internal organs in a corset so I can appeal to men by sporting a 20 inch waist is fabulous.


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## Tina (Jun 28, 2007)

Heh. There's no contraption on Earth that could make my waist 20," and still leave me alive.  

I'm not advocating that women stop wanting to dress and look nice, because I certainly like to do so, so that would be terribly hypocritical. But again, I guess that for me it comes back to attitude and an expressed sense of entitlement.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 28, 2007)

And I am coming to your house to do my Butterfly McQueen impression.

*Inhale Dammit*

But seriously, of course we all want to look nice for our partners. And i consider it fun and a privlege to buy clothes or makeup to look sexy and attractive for a man I care about. But I draw the line at taking on the mindset that I actually belong to him. Or that my appearance is a public matter and should be decided on by somebody else.


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## Jane (Jun 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> And I am coming to your house to do my Butterfly McQueen impression.
> 
> *Inhale Dammit*
> 
> But seriously, of course we all want to look nice for our partners. And i consider it fun and a privlege to buy clothes or makeup to look sexy and attractive for a man I care about. But I draw the line at taking on the mindset that I actually belong to him. Or that my appearance is a public matter and should be decided on by somebody else.



No, remember, Scarlett was shocked after she gave birth and had a 17" waist.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> If he were obsessed with his penis size and was on a never ending quest to change it with drugs, tools, surgery, etc. that would be a deterrent for me after a while -- especially if he requires me to be involved in it or offer him support and encouragement. Call me a bitch but no.



You make a good point, as usual 
However, what if the scenario was more along the lines of he had a penile implant during the course of their many years long relationship and for some reason, wanted it removed. Should she dump him because it would go back to the original size it was when she first met him? and was satisfied with enough to remain with him for the first seven years?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Ok, seriously..these are two totally different things. Why? Because a person can change their weight, but a man can not change the size of his penis....he can try I guess..lol but I'm not sure it's ever been done.



I believe there are penile implants (my main point is though that people that base entire relationships on looks, or penis size are not seeing what's really important and you should get things like physical attractiveness established/out of the way in the beginning- not nine years into a relationship) - and not everyone really can change their weight too easily, as I have seen people here indicate trying and being unsuccessful. Illness or medications can change your weight without any effort from yourself. What if you were married to a man that liked you big but you suddenly found you had cancer after 15 years of marriage and lost over a 100 pounds and your hair from chemo? Would it be okay if your spouse to left you then or messed around with other women because of how you look? 
That's not a fairy tale to expect a married couple to stand by each other.....




MisticalMisty said:


> Listen, we'd all like to believe in the fairytale that we are going to be loved no matter what we look like, for better or worse..BLAH BLAH BLAH



So people that are married 50+ years and look nothing like they do when they get married are fairy tale couples? Your looks are going to change NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO over time..... it is actually unrealistic to base a relationship on looks......



MisticalMisty said:


> What it boils down to is this... if you are not attracted to your mate, then it's going to become increasingly difficult for you to want to be intimate with that person. Your sex life will begin a steady decline and we all know that once sex is gone the relationshp becomes stagnant and is pretty much over. One or both of the parties involved will either look elsewhere for what they desire or they will shut down.



The best sex of my life was with my ex husband.... I thought he was too thin and never touted him as that great looking...... I loved him and was attracted to his ways/being/thoughts. Looks really aren't that important to everyone....nor is it fairytale thinking to believe that some people can go beyond.....




MisticalMisty said:


> I don't think the OP is being shallow at all. His tactics are less than appealing, but as Ruby mentioned several pages back, there are men that are married to skinny women who frequent chat to get their fat fix. While loving someone for who they are is a very noble idea, most of us know that there are other factors involved.



Sorry, but I'm not willing to excuse the bad actions of married guys that cheat on their wives that easy.....they chose to make the commitment and their wives weight doesn't give them an easy out - and their wives and how they look shouldn't be blamed for poor behaviors of those men (or cheating women). 
Let me tell you though, what IS extremely naive- believing that if you're a beautiful woman to your husband, that he will never screw around on you or hurt you. Looks have NOTHING to do with it......cheating is an indication of something wrong in the marriage that goes beyond physical attractiveness.





MisticalMisty said:


> Personally, I don't want a man that isn't completely attracted to everything I have to offer. Being fat is part of who I am, he damn sure better like it. I would never expect to find an FA, marry him and then decide that I'm no longer happy at 360 lbs and I want to loose 250 of it. That's completely unfair to the both of us.



Thing is though, you KNOW what an FA is and go into the relationship with that expectation. This man said in his OP that she was a smaller woman when he met her.... and when she gained weight, he dug it. He has been in this relationship for nine years...... she has just been in the 250 range for the past two after gaining what he indicated to be a significant amount of weight. If he really wants to be with women 250 and over, why spend 7 out out of nine years with one that weighs less if he really can't get into her?


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## Wild Zero (Jun 28, 2007)

ALTERNATE REALITY!  

_I've been into thin girls since puberty. I have never been attracted to a big girl in my whole life. I fell in love with a slightly chubby girl as I was entering college about 8 years ago, and we've been together pretty much ever since.

About 2 years ago, she went from being just a little big boned to being pretty thin. She hit about 120 a few months ago. I can't tell you how thrilled that made me. Thinner would have been fine and probably even better, but that was small enough for me.

Now, her family is incredibly shallow and fat. They are all overweight and spend like 30 hours a week at the Olive Garden each. Needless to say, her mother makes her feel terrible for being thin. She made my fiance utterly neurotic. Now my fiance loathes the way she looks. She's eating me out of house and home - literally.

I can't stand it. I've loved her for so long, but it's really hard for me to deal with her purposely taking away something I love so much. She has no reason to want to be fat. She loooves the gym, and I love a thin girl - it was a win/win situation. She's turning it into a lose/lose, by eating junk food, not exercising (and she loves going to the gym), and therefore getting fatter, which I hate. She tries to claim she just wants to be healthy - I assure her that I'll exercise with her to make sure she stays healthy, if she goes back to starving herself so she doesn't gain weight. You don't have to be fat to be healthy.

It's so hard for me to deal with having had my dream girl develop my dream body, and now she's taking it away from me - on purpose. If she 'accidentally' gained weight, like she accidentally lost it, I couldn't hold it against her... but her doing it on purpose is making me crazy and putting a strain on our relationship

I still love her, of course, but I'm having such trouble coping with this. Should i just give up and let her gain all this weight like she wants? What could I tell her to change her mind?_


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## mossystate (Jun 28, 2007)

Preferences are fine as long as they do not rule your world and try to rule someone elses world.

The OP is about control. All the great posts in this thread ( on both 'sides' ) cannot take away from what I see as a fact...this person wants to badger his gf, just like her family. I said it once, will say it again..I hope this woman can remove herself from both the world of the bf and her family, at least mentally and emotionally.

I don't have a blindfold made of gumdrops over my eyes..physical attraction is important....but....the words chosen to tell a story....very telling. I think we sometimes jump the gun and see things like "her family makes her feel like shit for being fat"..and we think "oh, I am fat and I hate when people do that to me", and then we miss all of what is being said.

I am one of those women who do not think that being a fat admirer means you get a free pass to try and control another human being. I am happy to see so many who love fat women not think this shit is too cool.


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## mossystate (Jun 28, 2007)

Wild Zero said:


> ALTERNATE REALITY!
> 
> _I've been into thin girls since puberty. I have never been attracted to a big girl in my whole life. I fell in love with a slightly chubby girl as I was entering college about 8 years ago, and we've been together pretty much ever since.
> 
> ...



Oh..but that is DIFFERENT.....


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> You make a good point, as usual
> However, what if the scenario was more along the lines of he had a penile implant during the course of their many years long relationship and for some reason, wanted it removed. Should she dump him because it would go back to the original size it was when she first met him? and was satisfied with enough to remain with him for the first seven years?



I'm the wrong person to ask about such a scenario.  I have no interest one way or the other being that I have no prefference, as long as he knows what he's doing with it I'm good.  I do have a lot of deal breakers though when I really take the time to question myself. I'm assuming we all do at some juncture and our perameters may vary. "He smoked/drank when we met but quit. Now he smokes/drinks again and refuses to stop. Should I leave?" If a person gets to a point where they can't take anymore and no compromise can be found I'm in favor of them moving on.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Preferences are fine as long as they do not rule your world and try to rule someone elses world.
> 
> The OP is about control. All the great posts in this thread ( on both 'sides' ) cannot take away from what I see as a fact...this person wants to badger his gf, just like her family. I said it once, will say it again..I hope this woman can remove herself from both the world of the bf and her family, at least mentally and emotionally.
> 
> ...



:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :kiss2:


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> I'm the wrong person to ask about such a scenario.  I have no interest one way or the other being that I have no prefference, as long as he knows what he's doing with it I'm good.  I do have a lot of deal breakers though when I really take the time to question myself. I'm assuming we all do at some juncture and our perameters may vary. "He smoked/drank when we met but quit. Now he smokes/drinks again and refuses to stop. Should I leave?" If a person gets to a point where they can't take anymore and no compromise can be found I'm in favor of them moving on.





:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :kiss2:


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## Spanky (Jun 28, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :kiss2:



That's a lot of bowing, GEF dear!!

I decided not to post once it got to penile implants. Gad, keep the knives away, PLEASE. 

As you were....

(crossing legs TIGHTLY)


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

Spanky said:


> That's a lot of bowing, GEF dear!!
> 
> *I decided not to post once it got to penile implants*. Gad, keep the knives away, PLEASE.
> 
> ...



Sometimes it is just best to keep quiet.....


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## pickleman357 (Jun 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> There are plenty of sizes and shapes between BBW and "walking skeletons." Men who prefer smaller women are not necrophiliacs.


there's smaller, and then there's being able to see all the bones. 


> It's true that men tend to be visual, but is it really necessary to be so crass as to say "our dick doesn't go up.." And I don't think anyone has to consider what somebody else wants when it comes to his or her body.


I agree with you, if this was some person talking about a stranger, a co-worker, or sibling. I would definatly agree with you. But this is an 8 year relationship. For 8 years this FA has been drooling over this BBW who loves food, who's been filling out her jeans, and being what sounds like a wonderul FA/BBW relationship. And then she purposefully takes that away from him and changes her whole attitude about her weight and food and herself that he has enjoyed for EIGHT YEARS. I'm sorry, but I cannot see _ANYONE _being perfectly fine and happy for her that she now hates herself, and could kill the attration he has had for her for EIGHT YEARS.


> Not one person flamed the OP for liking BBW's, his post only annoyed people when he acted as if his GF's actions only mattered with regards to his sexual preference and when he seemed to see her weight loss as a personal affront to him.


I'm not defending the way he talked. But we don't know the whole story here, we don't know every conversation the OP has had with his woman. There very well could be a lot of anger in that post that we don't here. You can't seriously tell me that you have NEVER gotten mad and said something that wasn't what you really ment. Being a guy that's terrible with words, I'm going to give him the benift of the doubt and say he's just angry and confused and hopefully doesn't really mean what he says.


> What a great idea, manipulations and threats are great additions to any partnership. If he is hardwired to where he can't get aroused unless his partner is a BBW, then he should not be with a woman who wants to be smaller.


he only found out that she didn't want to be small after 8 YEARS of being a bbw. And it sounds like she isn't too happy with it either. And yes, there are some guys out there that are "hardwired" so that they'll only get aroused around BBWs... I'm one of them. If he's "hardwired" like me, then yes, the sex will stop. If he's lucky and finds women attractive in general just perfer BBWs then there's hope for the relationship if its more then just a physical one. 



> But referring to weight loss as some sort of self abuse and doing *exactly* what her parents have done is just an all round horrible thing to do. Her parents may have told her she's worthless for being fat, but your suggestion says the same thing only it says she's less valuable if she's thin.


If its the truth. *Yes.* Would you like him to lie to himself and her? How will that improve the situation?


> It's her body, and no, he should not ask her to compromise. It's not like saying "If we watch a movie tonight, can we go to a baseball game on Saturday?"


So why does she not have to compromise but he does? How is that fair to him? IMO, relationship is all about compromise. Yes, we'll watch a chick flick tonight honey, cuddle, be romantic and then tomorrow I'm off to do my own thing. 


> If you read the OP, he claimed she is losing weight because of her family. And even if her size had become a point of contention between them, this happens in some relationships. It does not make her a "bitch" and is not indicative of "mental problems."





cliffjeff said:


> She's very willful, and she'll always do what she wants no matter what I say. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons she's actually still dieting is that I've been trying to talk her out of it and she wants to prove that she doesn't have to listen to me.


I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound healthy to me


> What is upsetting about your line of thinking is not that you prefer one body type over another, but that it buys into the line of thinking that a woman's body is somehow a public entity and she needs to take others' feelings into account when she makes choices of what to do with it.


I don't prefer, no fat curves on a woman = no erection for me. End of story. Some of time with FA's, its not a preference.
And its not a public entity, d'uh. A woman's body is her own, but when you're in a relationship I think its just plain rude not to concider your partner's feelings. 
If anything it more sounds like her mother is treating her body like a public entity and not caring about what she wants!



mossystate said:


> I don't have a blindfold made of gumdrops over my eyes..physical attraction is important....but....the words chosen to tell a story....very telling. I think we sometimes jump the gun and see things like "her family makes her feel like shit for being fat"..and we think "oh, I am fat and I hate when people do that to me", and then we miss all of what is being said.
> 
> I am one of those women who do not think that being a fat admirer means you get a free pass to try and control another human being. I am happy to see so many who love fat women not think this shit is too cool.


I think this is the biggest problem here. I don't think she is doing anything for herself. She's doing what her mother says and arguing with the OP about it too. Maybe she should stop, and find out what SHE wants to do, what SHE wants her body to be, and then not aplogize for it. This is who I am, deal with it!


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## elle camino (Jun 28, 2007)

holy crap why am i _still_ laughing at '30 hours a week at the olive garden each'?


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## Blackjack (Jun 28, 2007)

elle camino said:


> holy crap why am i _still_ laughing at '30 hours a week at the olive garden each'?



'cause it's still funny?


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## mossystate (Jun 28, 2007)

[[[Originally Posted by cliffjeff 
She's very willful, and she'll always do what she wants no matter what I say. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the reasons she's actually still dieting is that I've been trying to talk her out of it and she wants to prove that she doesn't have to listen to me.]]]]

How dare she have a will of her own.


Pickleman, pretty damned arrogant to say that it is ok for this man to tell his gf that she is basically worthless if she wants to be thinner. You cannot actually believe that compromising when it comes to movies, or where we might have dinner, is the same as badgering a person about their body??!!

This woman was "only a little bit big" when they first started dating. She got bigger..she CHANGED..maybe she wants to change once again. You are saying she is selfish, but only because this time the change might be for HER, not him...wow.

It is her body..no ifs..and..or buts. A discussion can be had, but if you are berating a person, like you detest when others are doing it...you are no better than them...not even a tiny bit.

Pickleman, try stepping back from what gets your stuff hard and realize this woman is a human being..a total human being.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 28, 2007)

> when you're in a relationship I think its just plain rude not to concider your partner's feelings.



Nonwithstanding the fact that you like being fat, you'd "consider" your partner's feelings when it came to either gaining or losing weight?

People compromise on all sorts of things, but I don't think body size should be one of them.

Nobody takes issue with the OP or with anyone who has a preference or fetish or _sine qua non_ for fat chicks. What a lot of women take issue with is the idea that what a woman chooses to do with her body should ever be up for discussion.

It's true that we don't know the OP personally, so all we have to go on are his words, which seem to come down to "she is _doing this_ even though I don't like it." That and "should I let her lose weight?" It's interesting how he's fine with her changing when she is changing into something that gets him off but when she is changing into something else, suddenly she's brainwashed.


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## pickleman357 (Jun 28, 2007)

I never said that she is worthless. He spent the last 8 years with her, even when she was slimmer, so there's something. And yes, maybe the way he posted it either shows that he's angry or complete contorl freak, I'm not arguing that.

All we have to go on here is what the OP has said. Maybe her side of the story shows that he's a total contorl freak and has been bugging her to get bigger for the last 8 years and she's finally snapped. I don't know.

But based on what the OP has told us, the story thus far, from what I'm reading
Been together 8 years, she started out small and grew to be a BBW. He's an FA, she's a foodee, everything's going good. Then her mother brings her down, calling her fat and ugly until she finally hates herself so she'll diet and excercise until she's thin. He protests this, calling her beautiful as she is, but she doesn't seem to care and slims down anyways and the OP can figure out why.

If you had a good job, but won $1,000,000 one day with your fiancee but then your to-be-mother-in-law cheats you out of it. You could still live on, but I'm sorry, I would be _pissed_.

Her being big is _*seemed *_like something hey both enjoyed and now it seems like no one in their life cares about what either of them wants and they're being put through hell because of it.

She should find out what SHE wants and just be that person, agreed?


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## Jane (Jun 28, 2007)

pickleman357 said:


> She should find out what SHE wants and just be that person, agreed?




I think this is what every woman and most guys who have posted on this thread have said.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 28, 2007)

No one starts disliking themselves overnight.

Parents sure as hell don't start harrassing their children overnight.

People don't cave to pressure overnight.

There is no evidence she wants to be emaciated.

There's no real evidence this will last a long time anyway.

This woman is in "stage one" of losing weight, and given the raving success of most dieters, limited evidence it would go anywhere. So she's eating vegetables and chicken breast and going to the gym? To my knowledge, there's no fat girl oath that says you can never ever take steps to better your health. (If so, a lot of asses will be roasted when the Fat Police catch up with them.)

So let's say this woman has a significant degree of success and loses 20 lbs. by going to the gym three times a week and eats more whole grains, fruits, and veggies, and decides to maintain her lifestyle. What's really so insensitive about that? Maybe I just woke up on the stupid side of the bed this morning.


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## pickleman357 (Jun 28, 2007)

I agree, and maybe I'm being a little to blunt/harsh/assholish with my posts here, I'm sorry. But from what he said and people saying that's he's contorlling... I can understand how he can be angry and do a stupid post. All that's going through my mind is;

They're going out for 8 years, she's getting bigger while she's enjoying food. He's loving it, calling her beautiful.
She comes to him and basically says "I need to get thin so I'll look beautiful to my mom"
I'm sorry if I sound shallow, but my first responce to this would be
"What am I? Shit on a stick?"

I think we need to get her side of the story, I really do.


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## ssbbwQT (Jun 28, 2007)

as an ssbbw i am thrilled that my husband is an FA, however, he loves me inside and out meaning if I lost 100 lbs. tomorrow, he would still love me the same. the same is true for me...I am attracted to thin men...but over the years, my husband has gained 60 lbs. and i am still in love with him as much as i was the day i married him...good luck!:kiss2:


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## Tina (Jun 28, 2007)

I agree, pickleman, getting both sides is helpful, and would certainly be here.


Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Let me tell you though, what IS extremely naive- believing that if you're a beautiful woman to your husband, that he will never screw around on you or hurt you. Looks have NOTHING to do with it......cheating is an indication of something wrong in the marriage that goes beyond physical attractiveness.


I think it can also be an indication that there is something intrinsically wrong with the cheating spouse, too, because there is such a thing as sexual addiction that goes beyond problems in the marriage, and whether they love and are attracted to their spouse or not.

I would like to say something further about attractiveness, sexual attraction and chemistry. Personally, if I fall in love with a guy, he automatically becomes exponentially more attractive to me because I'm looking through the eyes of love. To me, compatability and chemistry are way more important to me than looks, because I know that if I love the guy, he'll become so completely handsome to me that it's not an issue. This doesn't mean that there is no value in finding my guy attractive beforehand; I dig eye candy as much as anyone else, and do have certain favorite attributes (physically, emotionally and intellectually) that can and will turn me on about a guy. Hell yeah.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 28, 2007)

Tina said:


> I would like to say something further about attractiveness, sexual attraction and chemistry. Personally, if I fall in love with a guy, he automatically becomes exponentially more attractive to me because I'm looking through the eyes of love. To me, compatability and chemistry are way more important to me than looks, because I know that if I love the guy, he'll become so completely handsome to me that it's not an issue. This doesn't mean that there is no value in finding my guy attractive beforehand; I dig eye candy as much as anyone else, and do have certain favorite attributes (physically, emotionally and intellectually) that can and will turn me on about a guy. Hell yeah.




I have to do it again......  

:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :kiss2:


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## Jon Blaze (Jun 28, 2007)

Tina said:


> I agree, pickleman, getting both sides is helpful, and would certainly be here.
> 
> I think it can also be an indication that there is something intrinsically wrong with the cheating spouse, too, because there is such a thing as sexual addiction that goes beyond problems in the marriage, and whether they love and are attracted to their spouse or not.
> 
> I would like to say something further about attractiveness, sexual attraction and chemistry. Personally, if I fall in love with a guy, he automatically becomes exponentially more attractive to me because I'm looking through the eyes of love. To me, compatability and chemistry are way more important to me than looks, because I know that if I love the guy, he'll become so completely handsome to me that it's not an issue. This doesn't mean that there is no value in finding my guy attractive beforehand; I dig eye candy as much as anyone else, and do have certain favorite attributes (physically, emotionally and intellectually) that can and will turn me on about a guy. Hell yeah.



Dude... 
Your husband got a keeper! :wubu: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:


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## Tina (Jun 29, 2007)

Thank you so much, Jon. Whatever girl ends up catching your eye will have a keeper, too: handsome and deep. A winning combination.  :kiss2:


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## HereticFA (Jun 29, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> We are products of our environment and our genes. Her family had much more time to convince her that fat is ugly than I had to convince her that fat is beautiful. She has low self confidence in general, and I know for a fact that when she was skinny, she still didn't like the way she looked. We've been together for almost half her life at this point (she's 23, we've been together since she was 15)


 
I don't know if you're still reading your thread but this passage you posted really has the core issues of your situation. 

You're both very young. Whether you realize it or not, you'll both change a lot in the next few years. Just because your paths crossed early in your lives doesn't mean they will continue together. It sounds like a relationship born of opportunity rather than deeply shared goals, views and values. As you pointed out, her family has a head start on you with respect to her self perception of her body. That's a 'lead' you'll never overcome without severe emotional turmoil on her part to uproot her parent's teaching. That's why some BBWs eventually turn to self acceptance. They're emotionally exhausted from trying to fit into that small mold of "average". 

You have a stalemate in your relationship. Going forward depends on one of you ignoring what's important to themselves and subjugating their wants and desires to continue the relationship. Wouldn't you rather find someone else on the same path as yourself who can provide what you want? She's your first love, she'll always have a special place in your heart. But don't ever base a relationship on what may be, once you get them to change. That's a classic relationship trap that's wasted many peoples lives. 

Have you gone to any fat acceptance oriented social functions? A dance or a weekend event like one of the regional bashes? There's a much bigger world out there than you can imagine.


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## Mystic Rain (Jun 30, 2007)

I don't have much to offer as others have, but it sounds like you're in a bind. If you're having doubts, my suggestion to you is reevaluate where you stand with your life and her. Sit down and talk to her about how you feel what she's doing. Be open with her; and yourself. You'll have to be honest with yourself if you find that you can't reach some kind of common ground with her that perhaps it's best to go your separate ways. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and there's little room for any doubts left after that. Therefore, you must be 100% happy and satisfied to be with her.

As for the situation with her family, specifically her mother, I can completely relate. My mother is controlling of me also, and likes to try to tell me what to do, etc. As a child, I had little power to defend myself, and tried hard to mold into the image she wanted me. My weight was one thing she constantly nagged at me about. I was a significantly fat child/teenager. I wasn't too bothered by it, but she had her own weight issues, and I guess she was targeting me the same way she saw herself. I ended up losing weight; almost 100lbs. 

Once I grew older, however, I realized I was my own person, and I fought back. I still fight with her on some issues every now and then, but she's considerably relented. I've gained a considerable amount of weight in the last several months, and I know she's noticed, but hasn't said anything. Gaining the weight started as accidental, but now I'm deliberately trying to gain more weight, and it's working. *gently squeezes the large roll of her tummy over her too tight stretch pants*

I hope everything turns out the best for you; no matter where the decision of path lies.


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## TearInYourHand (Jul 1, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> .... You don't have to be engaged to your "fantasy" in order to be happy with your fiancee. Sure, it'd be neat, but that better not be the reason you asked her to marry you.
> 
> ...........................
> 
> Think about how much you love her. I hold by my original statement that sex with someone you love is the best sex--regardless if she had dessert tonight or not.



Jay, I love ya, but that just sounds like settling to me. I love my sister, I love my brother, I love my best friend, but I want to be HOT for and love my husband. For ever.


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## Chimpi (Jul 1, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I believe there are penile implants (my main point is though that people that base entire relationships on looks, or penis size are not seeing what's really important and you should get things like physical attractiveness established/out of the way in the beginning- not nine years into a relationship)



Um, excuse me, miss Fairy. Can you not get penis' and penile implants off your brain? *Laughing* You nutty nut crunch bar, you!

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pickleman357 said:


> But this is an 8 year relationship. For 8 years this FA has been drooling over this BBW who loves food, who's been filling out her jeans, and being what sounds like a wonderul FA/BBW relationship. And then she purposefully takes that away from him and changes her whole attitude about her weight and food and herself that he has enjoyed for EIGHT YEARS. I'm sorry, but I cannot see _ANYONE _being perfectly fine and happy for her that she now hates herself, and could kill the attration he has had for her for EIGHT YEARS.



You say that like she's doing it out of spite for some reason. Is it not possible that she just kept gaining weight slowly (if she was 150 pounds 8 years ago, and she's 250 pounds now, that's only 100 pounds in 8 years.... talk about GRADUAL weight gain), and had no real intention to pay too much attention to it? Obviously there's going to be attention paid as long as you're with a man that likes the larger body size attractive (as long as he is honest about it, that is), but women (and men for that matter) do gain weight without really noticing or caring TOO much until they hit a specific number that just sets off an "ALERT!!"

Eight years of a relationship or not, it's still [on paper] a relationship that can very easily be broken, by either parties. You're not married until you are actually married. If you're in a relationship, or even engaged, there is still the possibility of ending that relationship due to unhappiness (by either parties). If you (the original poster) are not feeling comfortable in the relationship anymore, as long as she is losing weight, then you need to address some serious issues. It is YOUR call, obviously, and I think you know that, but I would highly suggest finding out why she is losing the weight, wants to lose the weight, and where she intends to go with weight loss (how long/how far).

It is your life. YOU matter more than anyone else, and when getting yourself into marriage, YOU need to be happy before you can even begin to make the other party member happy. If you continue to continue the relationship out of habit, or history, I think you are setting yourself up for a huge downfall (unless you can get past all of the issues and love her for anything and everything, and be attracted to her at any size).



pickleman357 said:


> I think this is the biggest problem here. I don't think she is doing anything for herself. She's doing what her mother says and arguing with the OP about it too. Maybe she should stop, and find out what SHE wants to do, what SHE wants her body to be, and then not aplogize for it. This is who I am, deal with it!



Pickle, I do not think you have any idea _why_ she is losing weight; what her motives are. Only she truly knows that. The original poster seems as though he only has speculations, and has yet to get a truthful, honest, completely 100% guaranteed answer as to why she is losing weight. I do agree with you, though, that she needs to figure out what she wants to do, without any leanings by the original poster or her own mother (or any other family member).



pickleman357 said:


> But from what he said and people saying that's he's contorlling... I can understand how he can be angry and do a stupid post. All that's going through my mind is;



I'm not going to add too much more, but only offer my agreement with what has all ready been said about him seeming to be 'in control' over her body. I think a few of the words he used, or chose to use, can easily lead us to believe he is in the controlling situation. I suppose that is mine (and others') opinion.

But I think these are two very good points that should be repeated:



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Illness or medications can change your weight without any effort from yourself. Your looks are going to change NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO over time.....



Weights increase and decrease. Pimples come and go. You mature with age, and you lose attractiveness, often, to younger audiences as you get older. Your appearance will always change, you're right.

With all that being said, I can empathize with the original poster in being frustrated with your significant other losing weight. I have expressed the same frustrations before, and I still have to 'worry' or "watch out for them" each and every single day. I think it is important to address that, to plenty of us, physical appearance in a relationship holds a large weight (pun intended) in the relationship, and is something that can either develop or diminish over time. I firmly believe that, personally, I will _not_ be a part of a relationship with a thin/skinny/lanky/small/petite/anorexic/what-have-you woman. I just can't do it.

And sometimes it _can_ feel like a domain, the fat that has acquired on your significant others' body over time. Especially when you've been with the person for a long time (E.G. 8 years). However, it is important to express the difference between "feeling" like a domain, and actually owning or controlling that body size/shape. Us guys that like fat women find it attractive, and almost nothing can change that. I think it's normal, and fine, to express heart-ache over lost weight on the significant others' body.

*Sigh*
Did I have a climax, anywhere, in my post? It's 5:00AM.... I'm too tired to be thinking consistently, or constructively! Hehe


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## pickleman357 (Jul 1, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> Pickle, I do not think you have any idea _why_ she is losing weight; what her motives are. Only she truly knows that.



I know, that's why I said that we need to hear her side of things. I'm only guessing from what the OP has said, which isn't much. the biggest clue that the OP has given is that she seems to be less happy with herself every time she speaks with her mother. I can't and won't make any more comments until we hear someone else side of this story.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 1, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> Um, excuse me, miss Fairy. Can you not get penis' and penile implants off your brain? *Laughing* You nutty nut crunch bar, you!



I'm old...what else do I have to think about? 

And I wasn't talking about YOURS so no worries dear  



Chimpi said:


> Weights increase and decrease. Pimples come and go. You mature with age, and you lose attractiveness, often, to younger audiences as you get older. Your appearance will always change, you're right.
> 
> With all that being said, I can empathize with the original poster in being frustrated with your significant other losing weight. I have expressed the same frustrations before, and I still have to 'worry' or "watch out for them" each and every single day. I think it is important to address that, to plenty of us, physical appearance in a relationship holds a large weight (pun intended) in the relationship, and is something that can either develop or diminish over time. I firmly believe that, personally, I will _not_ be a part of a relationship with a thin/skinny/lanky/small/petite/anorexic/what-have-you woman. I just can't do it.



So Chimpi, if you were married to someone for 10-20-30 years, they get sick and lose a significant amount of weight BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, she has to live in fear of you taking off suddenly if she falls below a certain weight point? While she is ill/fighting for her life? All the years of commitment, such as she might have stood by YOU while you were ill, unemployed, depressed, injured, weight changes, etc., yet you still find her WEIGHT the most important thing?I thought people married human beings, not mounds of flesh..... 



Chimpi said:


> And sometimes it _can_ feel like a domain, the fat that has acquired on your significant others' body over time. Especially when you've been with the person for a long time (E.G. 8 years). However, it is important to express the difference between "feeling" like a domain, and actually owning or controlling that body size/shape. Us guys that like fat women find it attractive, and almost nothing can change that. I think it's normal, and fine, to express heart-ache over lost weight on the significant others' body.



It's one thing to be displeased, it's another to toss away a whole relationship that had enough steam to last almost a decade over it. 
Btw, how many changes has HE gone through in nine years? Does he still look the same? I wonder how sexually pleasing he is to her? It's a question that goes both ways......


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## Ample Pie (Jul 1, 2007)

Well said, ma'am. I wanted to rep you but couldn't.



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I'm old...what else do I have to think about?
> 
> And I wasn't talking about YOURS so no worries dear
> 
> ...


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## mossystate (Jul 1, 2007)

I tried to rep Green, but I have given too much out in the last 24 hours...rep happy.


Too many people are thinking that some are saying physical attraction is not important. This is very far from the truth, IF one is willing to step back and not think of this as something being 'taken away' from you.

If I were with a man and he said that if I ever got thin he would 'no longer..no way..pffft..you kidding me'..be attracted to me and want me..I would hope I would have the good sense to smile, tell him that I wish him good luck in finding a woman who could stay with a person who is so rigid ..and head out the door. We are talking here about a relationship of many years..not a couple of dates.

To those who are so adamant about not even being able to imagine a life that is not so focused on the physical....not even the thought of it...then I hope you stay as you are...right now....forever, and if you don't..can't..I hope you remember the words you have been typing, because you will need them to come to grips as to why your lover has left you.


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## Chimpi (Jul 1, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> So Chimpi, if you were married to someone for 10-20-30 years, they get sick and lose a significant amount of weight BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, she has to live in fear of you taking off suddenly if she falls below a certain weight point? While she is ill/fighting for her life? All the years of commitment, such as she might have stood by YOU while you were ill, unemployed, depressed, injured, weight changes, etc., yet you still find her WEIGHT the most important thing?I thought people married human beings, not mounds of flesh.....



To answer your question, Green, I would highly doubt it, but I can not truly answer that question unless I am in that situation. I would hope that I have the courage, the stamina, and the warmth to continue a _marriage_ of such length after weight loss has been entered into the equation... even if it were a purposeful weight loss. I admit I worded that pretty selfishly, and bland. I've spent about 10 minutes now trying to re-word it to something that I find more accurate of myself, but all I can muster is "I am only sexually attracted to large body types". I know I have enough respect of myself and other people, and my significant other in particular, that relationships are built on so much more than weight, and sexual attraction. But I am very open about the need and the importance of sexual attraction in a relationship.

Also, I see marriage and "in a relationship" in two different categories. I am of the belief that as long as you are not married, you still have not committed your life completely, wholely, and honestly to one specific person. If you are still/only in the "in a relationship" status, there is always the possibility that it can end in an abrupt manner. Sometimes even if the couple has been together for 8 years. Of course, there are often exceptions to this, for those that are in a relationship, and that have such a bond that nothing can affect that bond. For me, marriage is held to such a high standard that I would be inclined to say that one specific thing (e.g. weight loss, religion change, political views doing a 180 degree rotation, etc...) would not break that sort of bond. But again, I can't say for sure unless I were in a relationship.

Sexual attraction is a huge part of relationships for me. If I'm not sexually attracted to someone, it will be almost impossible for me to get into a relationship with that person. If I enter a relationship, and a few days, weeks, or months go by, and she goes through a drastic weight change (for the worse), most likely I will end it. But 10-20-30 years marriage is way too much history to be affected in the same manner.

Greeny, you nit-picker you!!  

Also, I never said weight is the most important thing. It is definitely a deal breaker (when seeking a partner), but never the most important thing. I will never, ever, _ever_ get into a relationship with someone (if indeed I ever get into another relationship... ) if there is no chemistry between personalities, emotions, feelings, thoughts, and the like. I will never consider weight to be the defining factor of why I date someone, if you get what I mean.



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It's one thing to be displeased, it's another to toss away a whole relationship that had enough steam to last almost a decade over it.



Absolutely correct, ma'am skidaddle. Obviously there's more going on other than weight, but it seems to me that he considers the weight an important aspect of his/their relationship. If her weight loss is so harmful to him and his view of her and his sexual attraction, so much that he can't stand it, then I see it wise _for both of them_ to end the relationship. Better for him so that he can find a woman that suits his desires, wants, and needs. Better for her so that she can find a man that will support her, love her, and find her attractive at _any_ weight.

I hope I answered your question.


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## saucywench (Jul 1, 2007)

Forgive me, I'm several days behind in reading this thread, so some of my comments may have already been touched on by others further down in the thread (as if that will stop me). I've already read some responses that were comment-worthy, but I'm going to start with Misty's post.

Life, with every type of relationship we undertake, is full of expectations. With few exceptions, none are as hope-laden as the relationships that embody love/romance/lifetime commitment. Romantic love is one of the most pathological conditions that any human will have to endure. Why do I say that? Because 'love' can make you crazy; it can lead you into areas of extreme vulnerability if you are not extremely careful. Once someone has been bitten by the love bug, it often takes a strong sense of self to maintain a proper sense of balance. That heady feeling of mutual attraction can misguide you unless you keep your feelings in check, to a certain extent, and monitor the relationship to make sure that you are both on the same page with regard to what you want and expect from one another. Many people err right from the get-go, in choosing a mate with no regard to these very important aspects; their relationship is doomed from the start. I'm sure we all know of couples whom we can envision becoming divorced as soon as they make their plans to marry be known.

When people enter into a relationship that implies commitment, whether it be marriage or otherwise, they are entering into a contract (regardless of any legal document that may be associated with the union). That contract implies that both people were fully aware of the conditions of the contract when they entered into it. They both share equal responsibility for fulfilling the contractual obligations successfully. It seems that mainly women (see _The Cinderella Complex_), but maybe just as often men, if they have been carried along on the perfume of romance, sadly realize after the fact that their expectations will go unmet, as they were unrealistic from the onset. 

The point I'm trying to make (yes, I did have one, actually) is that a lifetime commitment of one to another will always include compromises, a give and take, if it is to continue. If the union was a bad fit from the onset, it's usually best to cut losses and begin anew. If one is to remain in the relationship, a restructuring of expectations is in order.



MisticalMisty said:


> I would never expect to find an FA, marry him and then decide that I'm no longer happy at 360 lbs and I want to loose 250 of it. That's completely unfair to the both of us.


That is very true. Key here is your use of the term 'expect'. 

The reason I'm quoting you here, Misty (and I'm certainly not singling you out--this was just a good spot to hop on the ride ), is that, yes, to make such a decision with regard to your body would be unfair to you both. He had the expectation that you would be of a certain size throughout your marriage; you, on the other hand (while accepting the initial terms of the contract) have the innate right to do with your body as you will, but--in doing so--you are in violation of the terms of the contract. As much as people like to place blame on their partners (ugh, I _hate_ that), there really is no blame _to _be placed in such a situation. You may be desirous of a thinner body, for whatever reason, but if that desire supersedes your desire to remain in the relationship, you have to realize you are at risk of losing that relationship, and thus terminating the contract. You both have a right to your expectations; whether they can be realized within the terms of the contract is what is in question. Err... and I guess this is how my response relates to the OP. 

My point? Oh, yeah, yeah, my point...love is a two-way street, yo. Or something like that. :doh: (And some other things that may become more clear after I press Submit.)


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## Rosie (Jul 1, 2007)

cliffjeff said:


> I can't stand it. I've loved her for so long, but it's really hard for me to deal with her purposely taking away something I love so much. She has no reason to want to be skinny. She loooves food, and I love a big girl - it was a win/win situation.




Win/win?? Obviously not, since she has decided losing weight is more important than eating what she wants in an unhealthy way. Being fat is NOT a "win" situation for the person who is fat. It is not fun carrying around a bunch of excess weight, having backaches, sore knees, sore feet, swollen legs, not being able to walk any distance without sitting down, not being able to stand for any length of time, not being able to bend over without cutting off your breath etc, etc, etc.

I realize you can't help what you are attracted to, but perhaps this woman is not for you, if you can't love her totally (meaning sexually) regardless of what her weight is.


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