# Sub/dom connotations?



## youareneverready (Nov 12, 2014)

I've been wondering lately about the different ways we can, for lack of a better word, interpret the fat we find attractive on a partner. Although finding it a turn-on is an interpretation in itself, I wondered if there was some sort of parallels to a sub/dom dynamic in how we might view a fat partner; whether we see their size as indicative of power and presence or of softness and pliability. Likewise, the idea that someone who has a voracious appetite for food might make us think they have a voracious appetite for sex, but we can view that appetite as a complete loss or lack of self-control or conversely as a purposeful, empowering act of self-indulgence. Are you aware of this polarity? Do you embrace it, or lean one way or the other? Do you see it in an entirely different way? Or am I failing to explain well and appearing to talk bollocks?


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## loopytheone (Nov 13, 2014)

Hmm, I'd never thought of it like this but it is an interesting thought. For me personally, there aren't any connotations I'm aware of with regards to how I feel about bigger people.


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## penguin (Nov 13, 2014)

Size and eating habits have nothing to do with where you fall on the D/s scale.


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## choudhury (Nov 13, 2014)

It's an interesting question that most clearly comes out in the feeder/feedee dynamic. In certain forms this dynamic does seem to be rather dom/submissive: "I am MAKING you fat, I am STUFFING you, etc." Part of what's going on there sure looks like a power relationship.

That's never had any erotic appeal for me. Without condemning it in others, I personally have no interest in "controlling" or "dominating" my partner. That is, it doesn't turn me on.

I love to see a woman overeating though, and in effect making herself fat. And I must admit that the "lack of self-control" aspect definitely IS part of the turn-on for me. My wife has never been so unbelievably sexy to me as in those times when she's stuffed herself silly, not as part of some deliberate "gaining" program, but just by hugely overeating because she loves food.

So what's going on? Part of it may indeed be that food is a sensual pleasure and on some visceral level my brain is drawing a connection between a deeply sensuous love of food and a deeply sensuous love of sex - making a woman whose appetite is somewhat out of her control deeply desirable to me. 

Another part of it may be this: a woman whose gaining is calculated and deliberate could, in principle, decide to go back and lose weight. A woman whose gaining is an unintended consequence of a deep-seated drive or desire to overeat is not realistically going to lose weight. So as an FA, that "lack of control" may be a turn-on because it's a signal that THIS woman will always and absolutely be fat. My wife has gained about 100 lbs over 19 years, and looking back, I think from the outset I semi-consciously identified the signs that she was almost guaranteed to gain and become really big. Her love of food was the key, and it was obvious from the start. She could talk about dieting or the need to lose weight, etc., but I knew deep down that there was no way.


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## Amaranthine (Nov 13, 2014)

penguin said:


> Size and eating habits have nothing to do with where you fall on the D/s scale.



While this is true, I think the issue at hand deals with perception. Rather than size/eating habits dictating a certain place on the D/s scale, either party can pick a particular interpretation that might appeal to them. It's certainly something I've thought about before. 



youareneverready said:


> whether we see their size as indicative of power and presence or of softness and pliability. Likewise, the idea that someone who has a voracious appetite for food might make us think they have a voracious appetite for sex, but we can view that appetite as a complete loss or lack of self-control or conversely as a purposeful, empowering act of self-indulgence. ?



For me, it's a little of both. I very much enjoy the idea that a BHM can overpower me and make me feel insignificant in comparison. However, my main attraction is the softness and pliability. Even though they're much larger than I am, that softness could possibly be interpreted as physical vulnerability. There's something more gentle/tender in it that I find appealing. That can make a more dominant personality more attractive in a way - a sort of duality or contrast, maybe? 

That ties in directly with how I've always seen the whole element of appetite, as you mentioned. I've never naturally seen it as a "purposeful, empowering act" in a sexual sense. That's absolutely not to say it isn't, though. I'm just way more attracted to the idea of someone lacking self-control when it comes to pleasure. I don't know why. But it might actually be my favorite sexually-charged theme period. 

But note that none of that has anything to do with how a BHM/BBW sees themselves. This is merely my sexualized perception, for better or worse. And I don't specifically see it in a defined D/s light; I merely recognize that certain aspects could be seen with shades of dom and sub. In a sort of mixed bag, rather than fixed positions.


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## youareneverready (Nov 13, 2014)

Amaranthine said:


> certain aspects could be seen with shades of dom and sub. In a sort of mixed bag, rather than fixed positions.



This was pretty much what I was trying to get at. It does appear to be a rather 'mixed bag' like you say. Personally I do find at least part of the sexual appeal to be the juxtaposition, the idea that my partner's size would somehow make them both more and less powerful than me at the same time.


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## Tad (Nov 13, 2014)

Ive been around this and similar places for long enough to have read a lot of different approaches, and Ive found I can enjoy looking at fat stuff through quite a lot of them, at least for a while.

But my initial appreciation of fat was all about choice, agency, indulgence, and pleasure. To me both food and fat are pleasures, both to the senses and conceptually. There are obvious reasons why some people may prefer not to be fat, and there are lots of social norms and societal pressure suppressing tendencies towards being fat. I very much thought of fat as a choice back then, or at least being fatter or thinner for your body as a choice. (These days Id say it is more complicated than that for a lot of people). So deciding that you could choose how much to eat and how fat youd get, rather than doing what you were told, choosing to indulge in the twin pleasures of lots of good food and of being fat, indulging yourself in what was pleasurable instead of what was practicalthat was mostly my natural approach to fatness. 

Id say that this is pretty orthogonal to a sub/dom approach. It really isnt about power or power transfer, other than the power to make ones own choices based upon ones own desires.

All of that said, I think it can be pretty disconcerting to a lot of people when they first encounter the fat community, to find their body or their desires interpreted in ways that had never occurred to them before. Perhaps even more disconcerting is when you discover that while that view is new to you, it still has some resonance for you.


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## spiritangel (Nov 15, 2014)

I have over the years been approached by loads of Submissive men (which is not a turn on for me) because they automatically view an SSBBW as Dominant 

I find it an interesting conversation because I have heard from lots of men who say it is very hard to find an SSBBW who is submissive

have to say I am finding the whole topic fascinating


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## lille (Nov 15, 2014)

My boyfriend and I have a D/s component to our relationship, but it is completely unrelated to weight. The begins of that dynamic where there before I even knew what he looked like (we met on a forum). Him being so much bigger than me does help increase the sense of control that he has over me but it's much more about the way he carries himself and just our personalities/orientations.


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## musicman (Nov 15, 2014)

youareneverready said:


> I've been wondering lately about the different ways we can, for lack of a better word, interpret the fat we find attractive on a partner. Although finding it a turn-on is an interpretation in itself, I wondered if there was some sort of parallels to a sub/dom dynamic in how we might view a fat partner; whether we see their size as indicative of power and presence or of softness and pliability. Likewise, the idea that someone who has a voracious appetite for food might make us think they have a voracious appetite for sex, but we can view that appetite as a complete loss or lack of self-control or conversely as a purposeful, empowering act of self-indulgence. Are you aware of this polarity? Do you embrace it, or lean one way or the other? Do you see it in an entirely different way? Or am I failing to explain well and appearing to talk bollocks?



This is an interesting topic. I don't know if the dom/sub analogy is applicable, but I can definitely see the duality you mention, and I think it's a natural part of all successful relationships. I think both partners have to get something from the other that they can't get from themselves or other people, so we all function in both a giving and receiving capacity to our partner. Sometimes we want to feel like we are strong enough to take care of our partner's needs, and at other times we feel better when they take care of our needs. I think the same person can get sexual satisfaction from both of these feelings. Bringing it back to an FA/SSBBW situation, I sometimes think of her extreme weight as a representation of her power, and at other times, I see it as evidence that she's hopelessly out of control, totally at the mercy of her gluttonous appetite. Either of these viewpoints can do it for me. :blush:


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## OneFAsView (Nov 18, 2014)

I think the OP is on to something essential about FAs. For many, it is a form of a sub/dom relationship without the need of the sadistic/masochistic element.


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## lille (Nov 19, 2014)

OneFAsView said:


> I think the OP is on to something essential about FAs. For many, it is a form of a sub/dom relationship without the need of the sadistic/masochistic element.


There are plenty of non Fa sub/dom relationships that don't involve s&m.


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## Tom the pig 8 (Nov 19, 2014)

I think that for me, since I tend to be submissive. Maybe part of my fantasy of being fattened to a size where I would need help with some everyday activities. Then I would lose my independence. My feeder could have control of my life.


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## lille (Nov 19, 2014)

I think FAness can compliment sub/Dom fantasies in either direction, but I don't think they're intrinsically tied.


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## sivisi (Nov 20, 2014)

if there is any dominant women send me message


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