# disgusted



## penny (Sep 3, 2009)

has anyone else ever just sat down and ate a WHOLE PIE? i did today (have before also) i just couldne quit. and im type 2 diabetic!! 5'3 and 390+ lbs. im so disgusted with myself. i know this site is about self exceptance and it's great. i wish i would have found it long ago. but i need to be healthy for myself. and for me that would be losing some weight i can barely walk!! of course i have ALOT of other health problems too. and a husband that's not much help. sometimes i wonder if he cares at all!!! we have been married 21 rs and he is 16rs older than me. and i go on these binge eating phases and end up hating myself even more.i have always been made fun of by family and friends.I want to be happy like you other women on this site. and you all are so beautiful too!!! can i get some opions?


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## Cors (Sep 3, 2009)

I am pretty sure that many women here do share your feelings, even if they are genuinely confident and happy. I have very thin friends, models included and most of them admit to feeling horrible after "succumbing to gluttony". I think people, women especially are conditioned to feel that anything calorific or excessive is seen is indulgent, sinful, disgusting, unhealthy and out-of-control and of course, that fat or possible weight gain is ugly and bad for you. 

You mention health and mobility problems and that you are unhappy with your size, so seeking help is important. Not everyone can achieve this through an acceptance site alone. Bear in mind that weight loss talk is not allowed on this site, which might distort your perspective about everyone here all being huge healthy and happy, but there really is nothing wrong with wanting to improve your health and mobility even if you looove being fat and there are people who have done so. 

On another note, how often do you do this and how severe are your binge eating episodes? Do you attempt to work it off by exercise or starvation and/or laxatives and self-induced vomitting? Is it just guilt and self-loathing? You might have an eating disorder, and if this is a case, please see a doctor about this even though many won't take anyone who isn't an emaciated anorexic seriously.


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## annabellethecat (Sep 3, 2009)

Please do not beat yourself up over this. I know feeling out of control is scary, but the worse you feel about yourself, the worse you can wind up treating yourself. I am a type 2 diabetic too, and I struggle ever day with food. But whem I slip up I try to tell myself that it is ok, and I can make a better choice next time. Often it is not what we are eating but what is "eating us", depression, loneliness, anger, guilt, all those yucky feelings. If you feel that your binging is dangerously out of control, please try to find a compassionate therapist who can help. There is a link in the Health Forum to "fat friendly" doctors and therapists.


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## Shosh (Sep 3, 2009)

I find it horrible that a person pouring their heart out and genuinely upset is met with crass jokes. I should maybe not be surprised though, as it is par for the course with some here.

To the OP I am very sorry that you have Diabetes, and seem to be struggling with issues of compulsive eating, and your self esteem.

Why don't you try dealing with all this on a day to day basis, and make choices that you feel will support your physical and emotional wellbeing, one day at a time. If you try to think beyond that it can all seem too much.

I also encourage you to say at least one positive thing about yourself everyday, and really let it in.

My best wishes to you.


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## mergirl (Sep 3, 2009)

Mini said:


> Next time ..... (moderator edited).



What??!!
Seriously?
The woman has diabetes and an eating disorder and THIS is the advice you give her?
Disgusting.

To the op, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down on yourself. Maby you could post on the womans board. I'm not sure if there is a post on eating disorders but you could make one. It is a protected forum and i'm sure you will get lots of help, love and support. There is also a health forum.
Take care.


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## wrestlingguy (Sep 3, 2009)

Whew, seems like you have a lot more going on over and above your weight issues.

Sometimes people come here expecting that their problems will all be solved in a couple of posts. They won't. In fact, coming here can sometimes make things worse (Mini.......I'm gonna chop u down at the Bash.....lol).

I saw the other thread you started about having issues with emphesyma as well. You've also mentioned that your husband is little help, and may not care.

With all this in mind, you may want to seek professional help for your physical and mental well being. Regardless of the age difference between you and your husband, not caring is not caring, and that could present a major problem for you as you head to recovery and a healthier life. You need family support to reach whatever goals you set for yourself.

I wish you well.


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## mergirl (Sep 3, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Um. ......(moderator edited)


Not everyone who comes here at first is totally accepting of their bodies. Do you have any advice for her, because it sounds like she really needs some support. I would hate to think that there are women coming here because they have self esteme issues and being made to feel unwelcome and never returning because they were met with jokes about thier feelings or false assumptions that they should be super confident about their bodies.


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## Shosh (Sep 3, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Not everyone who comes here at first is totally accepting of their bodies. Do you have any advice for her, because it sounds like she really needs some support. I would hate to think that there are women coming here because they have self esteme issues and being made to feel unwelcome and never returning because they were met with jokes about thier feelings or false assumptions that they should be super confident about their bodies.



My thoughts exactly. It takes time and a safe space for some to become accepting of their bodies and to grow in confidence.
Being so brash with a person right off the bat serves no good purpose in my mind.


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## BBW Betty (Sep 3, 2009)

Hi Penny,

While I don't yet have the health problems you list, you and I are very similar height and weight. I've been known to polish off large quantities of food and to have the same ensuing feelings of disgust with myself. It's not a failing on your part. Without someone in your life to offer you support in making the changes you want and need in order to be healthier, it can be very hard. I echo the advice here to work with a therapist and / or understanding doctor. 

I don't really have advice for you, but wanted you to know you are not alone. 

((hugs))

Betty


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## vardon_grip (Sep 3, 2009)

penny said:


> has anyone else ever just sat down and ate a WHOLE PIE? i did today (have before also) i just couldne quit. and im type 2 diabetic!! 5'3 and 390+ lbs. im so disgusted with myself. i know this site is about self exceptance and it's great. i wish i would have found it long ago. but i need to be healthy for myself. and for me that would be losing some weight i can barely walk!! of course i have ALOT of other health problems too. and a husband that's not much help. sometimes i wonder if he cares at all!!! we have been married 21 rs and he is 16rs older than me. and i go on these binge eating phases and end up hating myself even more.i have always been made fun of by family and friends.I want to be happy like you other women on this site. and you all are so beautiful too!!! can i get some opions?



I commend you on the courage it took to write what a lot of people on this site feel every day, but are afraid to say to themselves and others. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Try to ignore the people who find it impossible to not say something shitty and unable to sympathize with your situation. No one hits the ground running so I guess they forget that every journey starts with the first step. It also sounds like you don't feel a lot of support at home and that may be contributing to your situation. Maybe you can find a therapist or other professional that you can talk to about your feelings and help you deal with all the emotions that you talk about here. With their help it is possible that you can formulate and put into action a plan to help you feel better about yourself, both physically and mentally.
Good luck.


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## steely (Sep 3, 2009)

Mini said:


> Next time (moderator edited).





Jay West Coast said:


> (moderator edited)





exile in thighville said:


> (moderator edited)



This post should be put in the women's BBW protected forum. You three should try a little empathy. Clearly your posts are of no help and most likely will lead her to more self hate and loathing. Way to go, join the human race and get a clue. It's not easy to put your true self out there and you have shown no concern for her issues. If you can't say anything nice or helpful, STFU.

Seriously Jay, I would have thought better of you. The other two, same old shit, different day.


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## Miss Vickie (Sep 3, 2009)

Penny, I'm not going to berate you. You know, with your health problems, that eating a pie is an extremely unhealthy and potentially dangerous things to do. I'm sure I don't need to tell you just how dangerous a disease diabetes is, how you can lose your eyes, your limbs, your kidneys and not all at once, but a bit at a time. It can also cause tremendous pain, the likes of which isn't touched by narcotics. I'm watching my brother, who is a careful diabetic, face all of these things, and it's very sad and frightening. He's only 60 and his eyesight is fading, he can no longer drive or work, has horrible pain from neuropathy and is nearly house bound.

Knowing all of the dangers of uncontrolled diabetes, if you find yourself continuing to make choices like eating a whole pie, it says to me that perhaps you have an unhealthy relationship with food, or at least for whatever reason you can't control your eating. In my experience, when I've had trouble controlling my eating, it's because I had emotional issues going on that weren't being addressed, and food becomes a comfort, or an "out" for all of my feelings; it's like I literally "stuff" them with food. Is there any chance you could see a therapist to help you deal with your relationship with food and see if there is something going on that is making you binge like this? You mentioned in an earlier post that you're on Medicaid, but I know that sometimes they cover therapy and I would hope that your doctor could help you get hooked up, particularly since your eating is putting your very life at risk. 

Ultimately, all our doctors can do is give us guidance and medications and order tests and treatments. It's up to us to do what we need to do to be healthy. My hope is that you're ready soon to take control of your life, through your eating, and start making better choices. I know it's very hard, and very scary, but maybe if your doctor has a dietitian you could start there with learning what to eat, how much, and substitutes for pies and things like that.

Best of luck to you, Penny.


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## Adamantoise (Sep 3, 2009)

penny said:


> has anyone else ever just sat down and ate a WHOLE PIE? i did today (have before also) i just couldne quit. and im type 2 diabetic!! 5'3 and 390+ lbs. im so disgusted with myself. i know this site is about self exceptance and it's great. i wish i would have found it long ago. but i need to be healthy for myself. and for me that would be losing some weight i can barely walk!! of course i have ALOT of other health problems too. and a husband that's not much help. sometimes i wonder if he cares at all!!! we have been married 21 rs and he is 16rs older than me. and i go on these binge eating phases and end up hating myself even more.i have always been made fun of by family and friends.I want to be happy like you other women on this site. and you all are so beautiful too!!! can i get some opions?



I think you are very brave for admitting your difficulties,and I commend you for your honesty,Miss. I'm afraid the only advice I can offer would be echoing those of some of my fellow forum users-please go to see a therapist or a doctor and talk with them to find some sort of aid. I wish you the very best-and try not to feel too guilty,okay? :bow:


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## steely (Sep 3, 2009)

Rowan said:


> (moderator edited)



You'd be wrong, I know Penny from a diabetic forum. In my stupidity I invited her here so maybe she could get a little support and acceptance, clearly I made a mistake. There are people out there who have issues and need some support and understanding. I don't know what I was thinking.


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## Rowan (Sep 3, 2009)

steely said:


> You'd be wrong, I know Penny from a diabetic forum. In my stupidity I invited her here so maybe she could get a little support and acceptance, clearly I made a mistake. There are people out there who have issues and need some support and understanding. I don't know what I was thinking.



To me there is a difference between seeking support and acceptance, and quite another in only posting negative things. Rather than post negative, post about yourself and let people see your personality and get to know you. Why would anyone want to get to know someone who only has negative things to say?


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 3, 2009)

Cors said:


> Care to elaborate? Her posts don't scream troll to me, I know many big women like her in person.



Said I may just be jaded... 



steely said:


> You'd be wrong, I know Penny from a diabetic forum. In my stupidity I invited her here so maybe she could get a little support and acceptance, clearly I made a mistake. There are people out there who have issues and need some support and understanding. I don't know what I was thinking.



I don't think you did a bad thing at all Steely like I told you in private, I hope your friend benefits from being here and learns to love herself and her body. I just think should would have been better served if she would have worded things in her post differently. Though in all honesty, if she truly hates her fat body (as her post screams to me) I guess she wouldn't know how to word it any differently. 

I'll eat crow, but someone needs to pass me the salt and pepper.


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## steely (Sep 3, 2009)

Rowan said:


> To me there is a difference between seeking support and acceptance, and quite another in only posting negative things. Rather than post negative, post about yourself and let people see your personality and get to know you. Why would anyone want to get to know someone who only has negative things to say?



Maybe she is in a negative state and can't see any other things in her life. I don't know about you but I'm not 100% positive every day of my life. She's made 4 posts, perhaps it takes a little longer to bring out positivity when you feel so badly about yourself. Instead of everyone attacking, which seems to be business as usual, maybe we could give it a little more time.


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## Jes (Sep 3, 2009)

To the OP: To me, though I'm no expert, you're describing an eating disorder. Do you agree? I think there's a lot of power in naming something because once you do, you can start to face it. Like some others have suggested, do you have someone supportive, with experience in this arena, to talk to? Is that something you could do? A doctor, a therapist, etc.? I'm sure there are even support groups online that you might find helpful. Feeling alone is horrible. We've all been there, I'm sure. Don't feel powerless--there ARE things you can do. I won't lie, they're not easy, but you're worth it.


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## MissToodles (Sep 3, 2009)

penny, don't feel any shame. I'm sure many have been in your position. While I'm not a diabetic, I've also had similar issues. You know, depression can lead to these things and binge eating helps to temporarily boost serotonin levels. Don't feel ashamed! Perhaps you can find someone locally, a professional who can help talk you through these tough times. Again, just because you ate a whole pie and you're diabetic doesn't mean you should hang your head and cry. You're only human. I wish the best of luck to you.


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## Cors (Sep 3, 2009)

Hi Penny, I found some threads that might be of help to you. 

Yet another thing on binge eating 

Eating disoders

Eating disorders and fat acceptance

Compulsive overeating/binge eating disorder


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## rollhandler (Sep 3, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Said I may just be jaded...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Even when I try to say something positive, sometimes the manner of delivery comes across with negative connotations. It's not something I recognize until it is pointed out after the fact. I cannot be the only one this happens to.

In reference to the OP, speaking from my own life experiences, I have known and been friends with persons, male and female, with eating disorders ranging from bulimia, to eating addictions, and have to ask this person if they have ever introspectively questioned where the binging behaviour comes from? From her post alone I see anger and depression and the result is a self fulfilling prophecy, and cycle of self loathing. If you understand the triggers you can help yourself stop the result.

I agree with the posters that with your health at issue to seek guidance and support here but to also seek council from a professional who can help find the seat of the problem or at least an understanding of where it comes from so that it can be identified when it begins to surface instead of after the result.
Rollhandler


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## LillyBBBW (Sep 3, 2009)

penny said:


> has anyone else ever just sat down and ate a WHOLE PIE? i did today (have before also) i just couldne quit. and im type 2 diabetic!! 5'3 and 390+ lbs. im so disgusted with myself. i know this site is about self exceptance and it's great. i wish i would have found it long ago. but i need to be healthy for myself. and for me that would be losing some weight i can barely walk!! of course i have ALOT of other health problems too. and a husband that's not much help. sometimes i wonder if he cares at all!!! we have been married 21 rs and he is 16rs older than me. and i go on these binge eating phases and end up hating myself even more.i have always been made fun of by family and friends.I want to be happy like you other women on this site. and you all are so beautiful too!!! can i get some opions?


 
Penny are you eating enough? What helps is to make sure the meals you are eating are satisfying as well as nutritionally sound. If you deprive yourself and dab at drab food your body will rebel and you'll get the hungry horrors. Type II diabetes is a serious matter but don't let it scare you into adopting eating habits that in the long run will make matters worse. Relax and stop beating yourself up. Write down a list of the things you enjoy within sound reason for your circumstances. Enjoy some of the fabulous recipies on the foodie board and try to seize control of the way you eat according to your appetite, not Calista Flockhart's. Sometimes these monster cravings and out of control episodes are your body's way of trying to tell you something. Shut her up with seafood gumbo and fresh strawberries. :eat2:

I'm sorry if this is too "dietey" but Penny won't take private messages.


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## LillyBBBW (Sep 3, 2009)

Cors said:


> Care to elaborate? Her posts don't scream troll to me, I know many big women like her in person.



I agree. This to me sounds like a very scared person who has been diagnosed with a disease and wants to talk with people who might understand her without damning her to hell for being fat. Unfortunatley diet talk is against the rules here but she probably didn't know that. There are lots of people here who use diet to control their diabetes, it's not a sin or a sign of fat hate. I don't think this woman needs a beating.


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## AnnMarie (Sep 3, 2009)

You asked for advice and that's what I'll give you - mine. 


Stop placing so much value on food - good or bad, and concentrate on being what you want - fat, thin, happy, healthy, whatever the hell it is. 

Stop being disgusted and start taking control of who you are and what you want. If a pie is JUST a pie, then you shouldn't be disgusted by it. If it's failure and lack of control and oh-my-God-I'm-a-fat-pig then you're going to have issues. 

You're just as entitled to do what you want than anyone else - but if you do things that make you feel out of control than it's an issue far beyond weight and much more about what's inside. 

I know you're new, but some of the advice here was to lighten the mood - we generally don't come face to face with something that's so fat negative and sometimes people don't know how to process it. Personally, it's a nice reminder to me of how far I've come. 


I love pie - I hope you learn to find a new relationship with food, where it's not good and bad - it's just food. You'll eat some when you want, others when you want, and a salad is just as yummy sometimes as a double cheeseburger with bacon. However, some people can't get there because they really have eating issues/disorders - so I hope if you find you're a person with that (you mentioned binging) that you get some help.


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## Observer (Sep 3, 2009)

Penny, my heart goes out to you - and hopefully my meager voice in the chorus may have some practical advice as well.

I am not a diabetic, but I have associates and extended family members who are. I know that they live in a world of temptations that are forbideden for them but normal for everyone else. And I know that those who have not actually walked in their shoes can't fully understand their frustrsations even if they try. Our reaction as non-diabetics is to first preach self-control and then try and control the patient because we just "want to help."

The lecures and substitute will power are well meant but they don't work long term. And then the tendancy is to condemn, give up and walk awsay. "He or she doesn't really want help - its hopeless" is the attitude. I've seen it happen. I read it in your post as having happened to you. And I'm sorry. It wrong, its callous, but its the pattern. And too often they don't sepsarsate the world of the diabetic from the world of weight issues. They overlap but they're not the same. 

The good news is that there are alternatives. The best I've seen is a 12 step like support group with fellow diabetics. They HAVE walked in your shoes, they do understand, when you need help in resisting temptation they're a cell phone call awy, they'll not belittle and put you down, and when you stumble they will forgive and not bersate because they've stumbled themselves. 

This is the kind of love and support you need. If you were here in Southrrn California I could give you a referral in minutes - but I'm sure Oklahoma has similar resources. I hope you will try finding them - and if you need backup in locating them we can try too.


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 3, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I agree. This to me sounds like a very scared person who has been diagnosed with a disease and wants to talk with people who might understand her without damning her to hell for being fat. Unfortunatley diet talk is against the rules here but she probably didn't know that. There are lots of people here who use diet to control their diabetes, it's not a sin or a sign of fat hate. I don't think this woman needs a beating.



Here's the thing, I shared it with Steely but maybe I should have shared it here.

In my time here I have seen a lot of well meaning people take newbies, who seem to hate their fat selves under their wing. They make an emotional investment, share of themselves and how they came to love themselves and their body. Lots of those newbies weren't really fat women at all but snotty teenagers or adults who have nothing better to do than come in here and try to "befriend" people only to later on exclaim what a bunch of fat losers we are. 

There seem to be an awful lot of posts like Penny's showing up lately and hers (not only this one) seems so over the top fat hating to me that I just couldn't imagine it being real. I've already agreed to eat crow on the fact that she's a real live fat woman with real issues. 

My thing is that I'm unable to relate to this kind of self hatred. I've never, ever hated my body. Sure there are things about it that I'm not 100% thrilled about every day, but its me. So I usually just ignore newbie posts like hers but for some reason her other posts and then this one caused me to want to speak out. Some people don't like diet talk (which I know is against the rules) but I personally can't stand the OMG I hate my body, I'm so fat and ugly, I can't do this or that because I'm fat talk.


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## Sugar (Sep 3, 2009)

Penny, I hope you seek medical attention for your issues and join the board in all the different areas. Well rounded people tend to be happier. Perhaps you'd feel better if you focused on something else for a bit...the lounge is full of fun. Sometimes when we are not so closely focused on something the will to deal with it becomes stronger.


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## katorade (Sep 3, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Here's the thing, I shared it with Steely but maybe I should have shared it here.
> 
> In my time here I have seen a lot of well meaning people take newbies, who seem to hate their fat selves under their wing. They make an emotional investment, share of themselves and how they came to love themselves and their body. Lots of those newbies weren't really fat women at all but snotty teenagers or adults who have nothing better to do than come in here and try to "befriend" people only to later on exclaim what a bunch of fat losers we are.
> 
> ...



Apparently I can't rep anyone I want to today. I couldn't agree more. Once bitten, twice shy.


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## mergirl (Sep 3, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> My thing is that I'm unable to relate to this kind of self hatred. I've never, ever hated my body. ................SNIP.............I personally can't stand the OMG I hate my body, I'm so fat and ugly, I can't do this or that because I'm fat talk.


But, SHE does feel like this and does have this level of self hatred. Perhaps she has no where else to talk about how she feels. Maby she didn't quite realise the 'premise' of dimensions. 
btw..where the hell does the expression 'eat the crow' come from??!!


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 3, 2009)

mergirl said:


> But, SHE does feel like this and does have this level of self hatred. Perhaps she has no where else to talk about how she feels. Maby she didn't quite realise the 'premise' of dimensions.
> btw..where the hell does the expression 'eat the crow' come from??!!



Yup, which I conceded too and also why I'm eating that damn black bird!
I don't know where the phrase comes from. I'm gonna have to wiki it now!!


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## katorade (Sep 3, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Yup, which I conceded too and also why I'm eating that damn black bird!
> I don't know where the phrase comes from. I'm gonna have to wiki it now!!




Already diiiiiid. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_crow

***thread derailment***Also, they are wrong about it being similar to "eat my hat" in terms of it being foul tasting. Eating your hat goes back to colonial days when a household's supply of sugar was kept in a pressed cone-shaped pillar called a "hat". Considering a typical sugar hat could weigh over 20 lbs, eating one would be quite the undertaking and rather unpleasant.


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 3, 2009)

katorade said:


> Already diiiiiid. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_crow



LOL! Faster than me  Methinx (no anthrax please) that I must rep you!

ETA: Apparently I've gotta spread it around first.


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## Sugar (Sep 3, 2009)

mergirl said:


> But, SHE does feel like this and does have this level of self hatred. Perhaps she has no where else to talk about how she feels. Maby she didn't quite realise the 'premise' of dimensions.
> btw..where the hell does the expression 'eat the crow' come from??!!



1) It may be related to the English idiom to eat humble pie.[1] The English phrase is something of a pun"umbles" were the intestines, offal and other less valued meats of a deer. Pies made of this were known to be served to those of lesser class who did not eat at the kings/lords/governors table. Another dish likely to be served with humble pie is rook pie (rooks being closely related to crows).

2) You're totally right SHE feels that way. Hatred in most forms is hard for humans to take especially in what a lot of people consider a safe haven for them. It's not fair that she got the short end of the stick from years of trolls, but it happened. It wasn't the first time for that to happen to someone and it won't be the last. Hopefully in the future she'll look around before doing a dump on strangers who may or may not relate.


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## Sugar (Sep 3, 2009)

katorade said:


> Already diiiiiid. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_crow
> 
> ***thread derailment***Also, they are wrong about it being similar to "eat my hat" in terms of it being foul tasting. Eating your hat goes back to colonial days when a household's supply of sugar was kept in a pressed cone-shaped pillar called a "hat". Considering a typical sugar hat could weigh over 20 lbs, eating one would be quite the undertaking and rather unpleasant.



You are just too quick...I'm jealous of your cat like reflexes. :happy:


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## katorade (Sep 3, 2009)

You cannot best my wiki trigger finger or my arcane knowledge of colonial life. Living in one of the most historic (yet rarely heard of) cities in the country will do that to you.


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## LillyBBBW (Sep 3, 2009)

I feel the same way however I draw the line when someone mentions an illness. Arthritus, peanut allergy, accidental pregnancy, fibromyalgia -- things like that make it ok for someone in a moment of frustration to hate their body and how it betrays them in my view. Maybe someone else has better coping skills but some frustration with illness seems instantly understandable to me.



fatgirlflyin said:


> Here's the thing, I shared it with Steely but maybe I should have shared it here.
> 
> In my time here I have seen a lot of well meaning people take newbies, who seem to hate their fat selves under their wing. They make an emotional investment, share of themselves and how they came to love themselves and their body. Lots of those newbies weren't really fat women at all but snotty teenagers or adults who have nothing better to do than come in here and try to "befriend" people only to later on exclaim what a bunch of fat losers we are.
> 
> ...


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## Tad (Sep 3, 2009)

Penny, sounds like there were some not so nice posts in this thread (that have now been cleared out by the mods), but also some good advice. I really liked Lilly and AnnMarie's posts in particular.

It sounds like you have various issues going on in your life. To me it sounded like the common thread in a lot of them was you not feeling in control of yourself any more....between medical conditions sneaking up from the inside, eating issues, being able to get your body to do what you want it to do in terms of daily activity, and so on. I don't know much about eating issues, but what I've read suggest that often things like binge eating can be in part a way of feeling some sort of control. Maybe you know it is not a good thing, but it is something that you can do and control. Kind of like the way kids will act out to get attention sometimes, even if it is bad attention. Sometimes there is just that need that we'll meet however we can.

How you can get more sense of control in your life I don't know, but I'm betting that if you put your mind to it you can come up with some. The one thing I will suggest is that we can't just will ourselves to be someone else. Willpower wears out (they've actually demonstrated this in experiments.... the more you use it, the less you have left immediately afterward). Start with trying to love and support yourself like you would for a friend, accepting warts and all.

So please give yourself permission to be you, just a more controlled you. Changes can keep coming over time, in small but steady increments. You can't just start off by deciding to be totally different. Maybe you shouldn't have any pie, but if right now that just isn't feasible for you, it is better to have a slice of something not too sugary now and then rather than try to avoid it entirely but then break down and have an entire one, etc. 

Good luck, and again remember you don't have to be perfect to deserve your own love.

-Tad


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## Risible (Sep 3, 2009)

What a mess this thread is. 

There are a lot of posts that have been deleted or edited, many as a result of the thread moving from the Main Dimensions Board to the Health Forum, where, by necessity, a more sober and sincere tone and on-topic response is required. We've always tried to keep the HF a place where people can discuss their sensitive issues and ask awkward questions without fear of being mocked, or to have their motives questioned. Ergo, the deletions and edits to try to fit this thread in here; my apologies to those of you whose _sincere_ posts were edited and/or deleted in this process.

I have decided to leave several questionable page 2 posts as is and instead drop this note in here to get the thread back on track, but I must ask that, if you care to contribute further to this discussion, you please keep your post respectful and on-topic. And, please, no more discussion of the motives of the OP.

Thank you.

/mod


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## MisticalMisty (Sep 3, 2009)

Penny,

I feel you babe. I do. I've never had any body image issues. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have any food issues. 

However, I am diabetic and have been for 3 years and it's the hardest thing I've ever faced in my entire life.

I don't know that I agree with some people that you feel out of control. I think, and I could be wrong, that you're sick and tired of having to be so in control.

I get that way. In fact, I'm back on a very low carb diet to get my sugars down and I hate it. I hate having to pay attention to every damn morsel that goes in my mouth. I hate that I can't walk into a restaurant and just order something right off the menu. I have to inquire about rubs, sauces, etc and their carb counts. I've never been one to diet...but that's what this feels like. I have to deny myself so many things and try to control what seems to be uncontrollable. 

It's takes an amazing amount of willpower and I won't lie..cheer leading from my boyfriend..for me to stick to this. Yesterday, I had a horribly stressful day of work and I would have KILLED for a cheeseburger and fries...and I knew that all my hard work this week would have been for naught if I had allowed myself to cheat.

It sounds like you don't have a great support system at home. I do hope that you are able to find support on the forums that you belong to or from friends in real life.

You have to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for your old life...but then pick yourself up and realize that you have to do things for your health. 

You are welcome to send me a private message. I can offer all the support I can.

Misty


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## Mini (Sep 3, 2009)

All I will say is that I'm going to have to eat crow in this case, too. My apologies for getting the wrong impression, and best of luck with your problems.


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## Miss Vickie (Sep 3, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I feel the same way however I draw the line when someone mentions an illness. Arthritus, peanut allergy, accidental pregnancy, fibromyalgia -- things like that make it ok for someone in a moment of frustration to hate their body and how it betrays them in my view. Maybe someone else has better coping skills but some frustration with illness seems instantly understandable to me.



I soooo agree with this. It's so painful to watch your body deteriorate in front of your eyes that it's hard NOT to hate your body. You think I loved my body when I found out I had Sarcoidosis? Or Thyroid cancer? Or that I was gaining weight out of control, despite my very best efforts to maintain? 

It's all well and good to love one's body, and usually there's *something* about our bodies that we can love. But sometimes, when faced with frustration and limitation, pain and fear, anger and .... well... more anger, all we are able to feel is that, and the love is very hard to find.


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## GenericGeek (Sep 16, 2009)

Miss Vickie said:


> I soooo agree with this. It's so painful to watch your body deteriorate in front of your eyes that it's hard NOT to hate your body. You think I loved my body when I found out I had Sarcoidosis? Or Thyroid cancer? Or that I was gaining weight out of control, despite my very best efforts to maintain?
> 
> It's all well and good to love one's body, and usually there's *something* about our bodies that we can love. But sometimes, when faced with frustration and limitation, pain and fear, anger and .... well... more anger, all we are able to feel is that, and the love is very hard to find.



Yeah-huh! But ultimately, we have very little choice in the matter -- we will all get old & fall apart (at varying rates, each in our own idiosyncratic way), and we all have to learn how to adapt to this predicament as best we can. Even though it totally sucks!

And the best way, I reckon, is to love one another, and ourselves in the bargain. Sometimes it's not such an easy thing to do.

I think it was Joseph Campbell (or maybe Ram Dass? See, my mind is going...) who pointed out that the literal meaning of the word "compassion" was "shared suffering".

Passion is one of those weird paradoxical words, meaning both "desire" AND "suffering". (The Buddhist in me likes this, needless to say.) And when our highest desire is to ease the suffering of others, often it's because all of the shit that has been visited on us in our lives makes us realize that the best way to ease the pain is to share it...


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