# Dear Santa



## Michelle (Mar 22, 2006)

In another thread (see link below if you want to look at the thread), Santaclear has proven what a genius he is with computers and chairs and cleaning gutters and I was thinking, maybe he would be willing to do a DIM Dear Abby like column where he could answer all of our burning questions. So I'm starting one, without consulting him. If he accepts, we'll all have the benefit of his valuable knowledge and if he declines, then it's just egg on his face.

I'll post the first question below this post. 


Previous Santa Wisdom: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?p=83067#post83067


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## Michelle (Mar 22, 2006)

Dear Santa, 

The tissue box sitting next to my computer is garrish and ugly looking. I feel sorry for it. What should I do?

Many thanks!!!!!!!


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## Santaclear (Mar 22, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Dear Santa,
> The tissue box sitting next to my computer is garish and ugly looking. I feel sorry for it. What should I do?
> Many thanks!!!!!!!



Thanks, Michelle. I'll try to finish this before the Feds close in.

First, many of us have tissues. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't say you were, but still. :bow: 

What I'm hearing is really two different problems. First, the box is garish and ugly. That's easy, toss it and get another. Shopping can be fun. If there aren't any good tissue outlets in your area try online. Presto! Cute boxes out the wazoo in smart, sharp or daring patterns.

Next, about feeling sorry for the little bugger.....that's more difficult. We're talking about your feelings. Sure, they say "Out of sight, out of mind!" But once the damn thing is gone you might even feel guilty and miss the little bastard more. I sure wish I could help but I'm in therapy now for the same thing. Good luck!


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## rainyday (Mar 22, 2006)

Excellent idea, Michelle. I'm hoping he's psychic too so he can tell me where to find all the things I've misplaced.

Dear Anta*

My cat pukes. I am okay with this. I know cats puke on occasion and his puking is related to a medical problem that's under control. My dilemma is he always chooses to puke in the entry hall right by the front door. Moreover, just as I get there and shove a newspaper under him so he can puke less messily, he turns his head and pukes in another direction, missing the paper. Should I consider this a commentary on something?



*I think you should use this name for the column, but the way....Ann/Abby/Anta, get it?


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## Jes (Mar 22, 2006)

Dear Anta:

Why are anti-virus programs so bloated and crappy and why do I fail to understand them at every turn? How do I know I'm protected? Why did I get rid of my Mac-lovin' lifestyle? What should I do? 

Also, if you know of a computer geek who would like to date me, I'd be sure to make it worth his while. THANKS!

Love,
Typeless in Philly


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## Santaclear (Mar 22, 2006)

rainyday said:


> My cat pukes. I am okay with this. I know cats puke on occasion and his puking is related to a medical problem that's under control. My dilemma is he always chooses to puke in the entry hall right by the front door. Moreover, just as I get there and shove a newspaper under him so he can puke less messily, he turns his head and pukes in another direction, missing the paper. Should I consider this a commentary on something?



I'm glad you brought this up, Rainy. It's one of my favorite subjects.

Puking pets vex me no end. Perhaps the little fella is trying to tell you not to read newspapers, perhaps it's about him wanting to control the direction HE pukes in.....who knows? I wouldn't worry tho. Just be glad he's puking.


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## Santaclear (Mar 22, 2006)

Jes said:


> Why are anti-virus programs so bloated and crappy and why do I fail to understand them at every turn? How do I know I'm protected? Why did I get rid of my Mac-lovin' lifestyle? What should I do?
> Also, if you know of a computer geek who would like to date me, I'd be sure to make it worth his while. THANKS!
> Love,
> Typeless in Philly



Dear Typeless,
I agree with ya. I had a problem with Norton a couple years ago and ever since then I don't even have anti-virus. I just surf with Mozilla which seems to have it's own built in anti-virus. I wish I was a geek in Philly so I could date you.
Love,
Anticlear


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## The Weatherman (Mar 22, 2006)

To: Santa
1 Santa Claus Lane
The North Pole, Arctica 99999

Dear Santa,

I have bin a vary gud boy this year. For Christmas, I want an X-Box, a spaceship, and basball cards. Pleeze say hi to your ranedear for me. And pleeze get me gud prezints. No underware, pleeze.

-Little Tommy


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## Tina (Mar 22, 2006)

Weatherman, I think it's inappropriate to tell Santa that you're not wearing underwear.


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## Boteroesque Babe (Mar 22, 2006)

O Great and Merciful Anta,

I have the song from that roll-up piano keyboard commercial stuck in my head. It's not even really a song, but a few tinny notes. The same few tinny notes, over and over again. All day. All night. I've tried extracting it from my head by listening to songs covering most all genres of music, including songs like "Funkytown," which seem to attach to one's psyche parasitically until a trip to the dentist or a really good drunk jars them loose. I've even tried that mental reset song that's supposed to always unstick whatever song's in your head, though it leaves you with a new, usually much more infectious song stuck in your head. Also, just in case it works for stuck songs like it does for hiccups, I've drank* a glass of water upside down, and had a coworker scare me. The onlyest thing I haven't yet tried is an ice pick.

Can you help me? If not, can you tell me the most effective way to sterilize an ice pick?

Thank you in advance,
Head 'Bout to 'Splode in Manhattan

*intentional grammar mistake for comedic purposes


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## Jane (Mar 22, 2006)

Tina said:


> Weatherman, I think it's inappropriate to tell Santa that you're not wearing underwear.


I thought it was underwire, and I agreed.


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## Jane (Mar 22, 2006)

Boteroesque Babe said:


> O Great and Merciful Anta,
> 
> I have the song from that roll-up piano keyboard commercial stuck in my head. It's not even really a song, but a few tinny notes. The same few tinny notes, over and over again. All day. All night. I've tried extracting it from my head by listening to songs covering most all genres of music, including songs like "Funkytown," which seem to attach to one's psyche parasitically until a trip to the dentist or a really good drunk jars them loose. I've even tried that mental reset song that's supposed to always unstick whatever song's in your head, though it leaves you with a new, usually much more infectious song stuck in your head. Also, just in case it works for stuck songs like it does for hiccups, I've drank* a glass of water upside down, and had a coworker scare me. The onlyest thing I haven't yet tried is an ice pick.
> 
> ...


I'm getting some popcorn and waiting for this answer.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 22, 2006)

Dear Santa,

How come when I am in the bathroom using the facilities my cat has to be in there with me laying down right by my feet - and yet - when my cat is using her litter box if I happen to open the door to the room it's in and see her in it she looks annoyed? 

Hmmmmmm?

Sandie Z
(who has too much time on her hands)


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## Jes (Mar 22, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I wish I was a geek in Philly so I could date you.
> Love,
> Anticlear


aww! I think I wish that, too!


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## Tina (Mar 22, 2006)

Sandie, I may not be Anta, but I suggest that whenever Della uses her facilities, you lay at her feet and see how she likes it.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 22, 2006)

Tina said:


> Sandie, I may not be Anta, but I suggest that whenever Della uses her facilities, you lay at her feet and see how she likes it.



ROFLMAO!! You know what Tina I have thought of tormenting her by staring at her while she is in the box. But she already likes to get nose to nose with me while I am sleeping and meow at me to scare the crap out of me. I'm really not sure what she'd do if I annoy her too much!!  

Like I said I have way too mcuh time on my hands! LOL


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## Jane (Mar 22, 2006)

Poor Sandie. She hasn't figured out that cats rule the world, and only allow us to exist because of cat food their lack of fingers to scratch with.


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## Santaclear (Mar 22, 2006)

The Weatherman said:


> I have bin a vary gud boy this year. For Christmas, I want an X-Box, a spaceship, and basball cards. Pleeze say hi to your ranedear for me. And pleeze get me gud prezints. No underware, pleeze.
> -Little Tommy



"Gud boy," my ASS!!!!!!   

You goddamn kids been comin' in here too long with your GUNS, peddling CRACK to the ladies here, causin' them to lose weight.......hiphop music and talking on your cell phones....you punks piss me off!! *starts choking Weatherman*

OTOH your post was cute, so here's a kiss from Santa :kiss2: and a nickel. I'll see what I can do about the X-Box.


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## Santaclear (Mar 22, 2006)

Tina said:


> Weatherman, I think it's inappropriate to tell Santa that you're not wearing underwear.



Actually Tina I think he was asking ME not to wear underwear. I enjoyed his post very much.


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## Santaclear (Mar 22, 2006)

Jane said:


> I'm getting some popcorn and waiting for this answer.



You'll might be waiting a while, Jane, 'cos I have to leave for work now. :bow:


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## Tina (Mar 22, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> ROFLMAO!! You know what Tina I have thought of tormenting her by staring at her while she is in the box. But she already likes to get nose to nose with me while I am sleeping and meow at me to scare the crap out of me. I'm really not sure what she'd do if I annoy her too much!!
> 
> Like I said I have way too mcuh time on my hands! LOL



LOL! That's too funny. Cats are weird. 



Santaclear said:


> Actually Tina I think he was asking ME not to wear underwear. I enjoyed his post very much.



Oh. Well, that's disturbing, too, Santa. Thinking of Santa with no underwear, sliding down chimneys and having little boys and girls on his lap is a mite disturbing... He needs to re-think that request.

Have fun at work, you know, with the elves and all...


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## Tiger's_Lily (Mar 22, 2006)

Dear Santa

I have always wondered who was the first to wear, and think a 'comb-over' is a good look for you guys? 

* We have the 'right side to left side' comb-over!

* We have the 'left side to right side' comb-over!

* My absolute favorite is, the 'from back to front' comb-over!

*sigh*......now *'I' *have to go to work. How am I suppose to concentrate on my work, with my question unanswered?


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## Jane (Mar 22, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> You'll might be waiting a while, Jane, 'cos I have to leave for work now. :bow:


I HATE popcorn bloat.


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## Boteroesque Babe (Mar 22, 2006)

I'll take the comb-over query, Tiger's Lily, since Santa's at work. 

While the Bible makes reference to Jesus having rocked the comb-over, Google netted me nary an image of such. I did, however, find examples of some other early and/or noteworthy comb-overs which will at least tide you over until Santa returns.

The Front...







The Back...






The Master...






And of course, The Canine Comb-Over...






Hope that helps!


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## Jane (Mar 22, 2006)

That back one scared the fool out of me.


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## Tina (Mar 22, 2006)

Yeow!!! Scary stuff.

The Donald cracks me up. That man's hair wouldn't move in a category 5 hurricane.


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## Michelle (Mar 22, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Thanks, Michelle. I'll try to finish this before the Feds close in.
> 
> First, many of us have tissues. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't say you were, but still. :bow:
> 
> ...


 
Anta: 

We're talking about the tissue box's feelings, not mine! Toss it? How could I? It's already garish and ugly -- how do you think it'd feel if I just discarded it and replaced it with something younger and prettier?

By the way, thanks for the shopping tips!!


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## Tiger's_Lily (Mar 23, 2006)

*hahahahaha........Thanks BB, simply PRICELESS!!!!!*




Boteroesque Babe said:


> I did, however, find examples of some other early and/or noteworthy comb-overs which will at least tide you over until Santa returns.
> 
> The Back...
> 
> ...


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## Santaclear (Mar 23, 2006)

Boteroesque Babe said:


> O Great and Merciful Anta,
> I have the song from that roll-up piano keyboard commercial stuck in my head. It's not even really a song, but a few tinny notes. The same few tinny notes, over and over again. All day. All night. I've tried extracting it from my head by listening to songs covering most all genres of music, including songs like "Funkytown," which seem to attach to one's psyche parasitically until a trip to the dentist or a really good drunk jars them loose. I've even tried that mental reset song that's supposed to always unstick whatever song's in your head, though it leaves you with a new, usually much more infectious song stuck in your head. Also, just in case it works for stuck songs like it does for hiccups, I've drank* a glass of water upside down, and had a coworker scare me. The onlyest thing I haven't yet tried is an ice pick.
> Can you help me? If not, can you tell me the most effective way to sterilize an ice pick?
> Thank you in advance,
> ...



Dear Merciful BoBabe,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I haven't heard the commercial but I'm familiar with how irritating these annoying ads can be and how they tend to stick in one's mind. I'll try to answer with a picture. Hopefully this will wipe the ditty from your mind once and for all. (Modern problems, after all, demand modern solutions.) 

View attachment T046022A.jpg


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## Santaclear (Mar 23, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> How come when I am in the bathroom using the facilities my cat has to be in there with me laying down right by my feet - and yet - when my cat is using her litter box if I happen to open the door to the room it's in and see her in it she looks annoyed?
> Hmmmmmm?
> Sandie Z
> (who has too much time on her hands)



Sandie,
Cats nowadays are nothing like they were in our parents' time. They want it all NOW and if they don't get it they move on. Whatever happened to the days of simple litter box values? That cat should be thanking her lucky stars she gets the chance to lay at your feet.


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## Santaclear (Mar 23, 2006)

Tiger's_Lily said:


> I have always wondered who was the first to wear, and think a 'comb-over' is a good look for you guys?
> * We have the 'right side to left side' comb-over!
> * We have the 'left side to right side' comb-over!
> * My absolute favorite is, the 'from back to front' comb-over!
> *sigh*......now *'I' *have to go to work. How am I suppose to concentrate on my work, with my question unanswered?



BoBabe answered your question, Tigers_Lily, but here's one of an early comb-over I found. This was from before the introduction of breath mints. 

View attachment WolfMan.jpg


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## Santaclear (Mar 23, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Anta:
> We're talking about the tissue box's feelings, not mine! Toss it? How could I? It's already garish and ugly -- how do you think it'd feel if I just discarded it and replaced it with something younger and prettier?
> By the way, thanks for the shopping tips!!



Praise the box, then, and maybe try petting it. Say "good box".


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## Janet (Mar 23, 2006)

Re: the whole Santa with no underwear thing 

I remember seeing an article in a Zaftig newletter about women who were into "doing" Santa! The ultimate in FFA, I believe. (It seems that many mall Santas were happy to oblige.)

Dear Anticlear, or Anta, whichever the case may be,

Should I believe everything that I read?

Thank you,

Janet


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## Santaclear (Mar 24, 2006)

Janet said:


> Should I believe everything that I read?



You mean you don't already?



BoteroesqueBabe said:


>


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## Tiger's_Lily (Mar 24, 2006)

*hahaha......I'm LOVING this thread!!!




As soon as *THE BOSS* allows me to give another rep point Santa, you've got it!  *


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## rainyday (Mar 24, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Please tell me how I can sleep. And kindly don't say "in a bed."

Also, if I put a can of orange juice in the fridge to thaw a week ago, is it too late to make it into orange juice now?

Sleepless


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## Egbert Souse (Mar 24, 2006)

1. I have a fear of failure, a fear of success and a fear of being mediocre.
What do you think i should do?

2. What's the written range of a krumhorn?


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## Santaclear (Mar 26, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Please tell me how I can sleep. And kindly don't say "in a bed."
> Also, if I put a can of orange juice in the fridge to thaw a week ago, is it too late to make it into orange juice now?



Hi, Rainy. I'm probably the wrong guy to ask about sleep since I have the worst sleep disorder of anyone I've ever met. Just this Wednesday I was up for 34 hours. (OK, the last part of it spilled over to Thursday.) I've probably done that one or two thousand times, no joke. I've heard there's a family in Italy who NEVER sleep and it's some genetic thing, been going on for generations.

On the positive side, you might try our own Vince's "Handbook for the Admirer" (302 pages long.)
(SORRY, VINCE! I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF!)   

The juice is probably spoiled by now. I would worry that the acid from it dissolved some of the metal and we don't want Rainy drinking metal. You can probably tell by looking whether it's OK or not.


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## Santaclear (Mar 26, 2006)

Egbert Souse said:


> 1. I have a fear of failure, a fear of success and a fear of being mediocre.
> What do you think i should do?
> 
> 2. What's the written range of a krumhorn?



1. I'm the same way, Egbert. Um.....ignore your fears? *I never SAID I had any clues.*

2. There's a bakery near me that always has the best krumhorns. They really offer quite a range. http://www.courtlymusicunlimited.com/HistoricWinds/Crumhorn-1.html


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## Michelle (Mar 26, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I recently submitted one of my best poems to the online Poetry Guild. The poem is below:

Minimalism
.

I'm very proud of this poem and the Guild wrote back to me and said it was one of the best they had received and that I have loads of talent and that they are going to publish it in their annual book thing!!!!!!! If I want a copy of the book, all I have to do is submit a certified check in the amount of $10,000 and a copy will be reserved for me!!!!! They told me that this is an honor and I shouldn't pass up the opportunity.

Should I do it?????

(edited for a dangling partidecipalismous)


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## Michelle (Mar 26, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The juice is probably spoiled by now. I would worry that the acid from it dissolved some of the metal and we don't want Rainy drinking metal. You can probably tell by looking whether it's OK or not.


 
I just have to insert something here. Precious metals can be worth a LOT, so if there is metal leaching into the thing, maybe you want to mine it out, Rainy, and sell it. That way you could offset the cost of the spoiled orange juice AND make a million!!!


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## BigBawdyDame (Mar 26, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Why do the producers of commercials make them so incredibly stupid? Do they think our iq's go down in that brief 3 minuter period? 

Befuddled in Michigan


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## rainyday (Mar 26, 2006)

Dear Anta and Michelle:

On the off chance that leached metal might be an undiscovered cure for insomnia, I drank the orange juice. Moreover, I drank it without mixing it up because I figured it'd be more powerful concentrated. I am happy to donate my body to science in this way. Not sure yet if it works because I was up all night thinking of the fame and fortune that being written up in a medical journal could bring my way.

If I sell the metal now, Michelle, I guess it will have to be on the after market.


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## Santaclear (Mar 26, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I recently submitted one of my best poems to the online Poetry Guild. The poem is below:
> 
> Minimalism
> .
> ...



Michelle, that is a GREAT minimalist poem - I am stunned, truly stunned. 

It says so much about our times too while still referencing all of past human history (and pointing the way to the future as well.)

I say go for it, but try to talk them down.


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## Santaclear (Mar 26, 2006)

BigBawdyDame said:


> Why do the producers of commercials make them so incredibly stupid? Do they think our iq's go down in that brief 3 minute period?
> Befuddled in Michigan



I am too befuddled to answer. :doh:


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## Santaclear (Mar 27, 2006)

rainyday said:


> On the off chance that leached metal might be an undiscovered cure for insomnia, I drank the orange juice. Moreover, I drank it without mixing it up because I figured it'd be more powerful concentrated. I am happy to donate my body to science in this way. Not sure yet if it works because I was up all night thinking of the fame and fortune that being written up in a medical journal could bring my way.
> If I sell the metal now, Michelle, I guess it will have to be on the after market.



Good show, Rainy. Always thinking of the future, that's you. I hope you'll remember us here, the little people who urged you on to glory.


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## Michelle (Mar 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Michelle, that is a GREAT minimalist poem - I am stunned, truly stunned.
> 
> It says so much about our times too while still referencing all of past human history (and pointing the way to the future as well.)
> 
> I say go for it, but try to talk them down.


 
Well, garsh, thank you Anta. I'm glad you noticed the time continuum but was sorta surprised you didn't mention the juxtiposition of the heneroieursillisapsious artferirentiousity. Guess I was a little too obstruse.

Rainy, have you sold your body yet?


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## rainyday (Mar 27, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Rainy, have you sold your body yet?



I'm still looking for someone who'll pay me by the pound.


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## Michelle (Apr 1, 2006)

Rainy, have ya had many PM's over that? 

Dear Anta;

My looks seemed to have changed overnight. I have this dark curly hair and appear to be a male now. Also, I look exactly like a lot of people on this board.

Any ideas what happened? Do I have a bunch of twins?

HELP ME!!


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## rainyday (Apr 1, 2006)

Exactly zero. It will require the funding power of a venture capitalist, and I don't think too many of those post on the board.

BTW, have you considered Loreal to take you back to blond? You're worth it.


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## Santaclear (Apr 1, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta;
> 
> My looks seemed to have changed overnight. I have this dark curly hair and appear to be a male now. Also, I look exactly like a lot of people on this board.
> Any ideas what happened? Do I have a bunch of twins?
> HELP ME!!



It's nothing to be ashamed of, Michelle. It's natural for those who post at the same forum to start to resemble each other after awhile. (This is why certain forums have a high turnover rate.) Most likely it's just a coincidence and will pass in a day or two.


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## Tina (Apr 1, 2006)

Michelle, I say, have fun with it! After all, you now likely have 'equipment' you're not used to having. Make the most of it and see how the other half lives!


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## Michelle (Apr 1, 2006)

Equipment? You mean like chain saws and lugnuts and stuff? Don't those things get your hands dirty?

Dear Anta:

Jamie and Rainyday are in some kinda contest. I think theyre both the bees knees and I dont know who to pull for. Ive considered framing them and having them both arrested and put in solitary confinement so they couldnt compete and then I wouldnt have this problem. What would you do?????


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## Santaclear (Apr 1, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> Jamie and Rainyday are in some kinda contest. I think theyre both the bees knees and I dont know who to pull for. Ive considered framing them and having them both arrested and put in solitary confinement so they couldnt compete and then I wouldnt have this problem. What would you do?????



I understand your dilemma, Michelle. I'm a longtime fan of both Jamie and Rainy too. 

May I suggest light wrestling, Paysite style? Both could be clad in the (by now standard) revealing leopard toga a la Pebbles Flintstone or Bam Bam. I'd cook dinner afterwards of course.


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## Santaclear (Apr 1, 2006)

Tina said:


> Michelle, I say, have fun with it! After all, you now likely have 'equipment' you're not used to having. Make the most of it and see how the other half lives!



Tina's right, Michelle. I say go for it, use the equipment that Conrad gave you. Pick up somebody real quick before your avatar runs out or else just jerk off or BE a jerk, like any guy would. You're worth it, girl!


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## jamie (Apr 3, 2006)

Dear Anta, 

I have a friend who is torn between who to cheer for in an upcoming Literati match. I want to secretly tell her to put her money on the other person, but am afraid of getting sanctioned by the National Literati Betting Regulation Committee, what do you reccommend as the best way to get this info to her safely? 

P.S. What shoes go best with a leopard print toga? Sandals or heels?


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## Michelle (Apr 3, 2006)

jamie said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> I have a friend who is torn between who to cheer for in an upcoming Literati match. I want to secretly tell her to put her money on the other person, but am afraid of getting sanctioned by the National Literati Betting Regulation Committee, what do you reccommend as the best way to get this info to her safely?


 
Oh WoW Jamie!!!!!!! I thought I was the ONLY ONE who had this dilemma!!!!!!! I'll be interested in hearing what Anta has to say about getting that information to your friend!!!!!!!


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## rainyday (Apr 4, 2006)

Dear Jamie:

I don't want to alarm you, but I just heard something about the NLBRC writing you up and demoting you to only being able to play Tiddlywinks with third graders for six months. If you escape sanctions and can still play lit, how about we invite Michelle to be our voyeur when we have our tourney? She can kibitz and change allegiances as much as she wants, plus we could have a good girly threesome chat while we play.

(And for any pervy onlookers, I said threesome CHAT.)


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## Santaclear (Apr 4, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Dear Jamie:
> I don't want to alarm you, but I just heard something about the NLBRC writing you up and demoting you to only being able to play Tiddlywinks with third graders for six months. If you escape sanctions and can still play lit, how about we invite Michelle to be our voyeur when we have our tourney? She can kibitz and change allegiances as much as she wants, plus we could have a good girly threesome chat while we play.
> (And for any pervy onlookers, I said threesome CHAT.)



This is an outrage, Rainy. You're not as pretty as I thought. How many got hurt in your mad quest to get Jamie demoted? I hate Tiddlywinks and I bet most people here do. And we all know third graders aren't welcome here. (It says so in the "Rules" section and it's because kids can be cruel.) This is exactly the kind of behind-the-scenes stuff that ruffles my wings.


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## Santaclear (Apr 4, 2006)

jamie said:


> I have a friend who is torn between who to cheer for in an upcoming Literati match. I want to secretly tell her to put her money on the other person, but am afraid of getting sanctioned by the National Literati Betting Regulation Committee, what do you recommend as the best way to get this info to her safely?



I think you need to be willing to work with Rainyday on this, Jamie. Move very slowly and carefully.



jamie said:


> What shoes go best with a leopard print toga? Sandals or heels?



Sandals probably, unless heels are more your style. To my mind, heels might break the toga mood. On the other hand mood breakage can be good.

There's probably not a single person who's ever surfed this site who wouldn't be ecstatic to learn that you and the lovely Rainy might consider a little light wrestling. It's all for a good cause. Rainy had a great idea in bringing in Michelle, a blonde, to referee. I can feel this all coming together.


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## jamie (Apr 5, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> This is exactly the kind of behind-the-scenes stuff that ruffles my wings.


 
While I appreciate the support.. I am still in awe that you have wings.. seriously.. how did that happen? Is it anything to do with metal in an orange juice can?? 

Rainy - I am bringing the star witness' brother to trial with me... that should get him to hush and me out of my Tiddlywink's Purgatory. I think it is a great idea to bring Michelle along, however, I am not sure what outfit a blonde referee needs to wear. 


Oh and btw... I tried to google some good trash talk, but I got distracted by an article about the differentiation between "smack" and "trash talk" so I will just leave you with "Yo momma."


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## rainyday (Apr 5, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> This is an outrage, Rainy. You're not as pretty as I thought. How many got hurt in your mad quest to get Jamie demoted? I hate Tiddlywinks and I bet most people here do. And we all know third graders aren't welcome here. (It says so in the "Rules" section and it's because kids can be cruel.) This is exactly the kind of behind-the-scenes stuff that ruffles my wings.



Why, I would never turn in Jamie! Especially not now that she's said we can trash talk during the game. I don't get many chances to trash talk and I'm not going to miss this one!


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## rainyday (Apr 5, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Do you know any trash talk words I can use?

Rainy


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## Michelle (Apr 5, 2006)

I don't hate Tiddlywinks :-/

Dear Anta:

1) What should I wear if called on to be a referee?

2) How many tiddlies does it take to make a wink?

Thank you.

Jamie and Rainy, Rainy and Jamie (I did it both ways, starting alphabetically, so as not to show any favoritism to anyone). I would like very much to be in the room with you so we can three-way CHAT. Oh, and I hope you don't think I'm too bold, but I thought I'd interject some of my favorite trash talk here while you're waiting for Anta to answer.

a) Want some ooogaboooga, bubblycakes?

b) You're just an old, ugly, squid-like, meany, fartface weener.

I have more if you want them.


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## Santaclear (Apr 7, 2006)

jamie said:


> While I appreciate the support.. I am still in awe that you have wings.. seriously.. how did that happen? Is it anything to do with metal in an orange juice can??



I'm getting a weird mental image of horrible birth control metal-in-an-orange juice can IUDs gone awry, but no, I was born that way.



jamie said:


> Oh and btw... I tried to google some good trash talk, but I got distracted by an article about the differentiation between "smack" and "trash talk" so I will just leave you with "Yo momma."



Um, can you tell us what the difference is, O great and wise Jamie?


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## Santaclear (Apr 7, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Why, I would never turn in Jamie! Especially not now that she's said we can trash talk during the game. I don't get many chances to trash talk and I'm not going to miss this one!



I'm so relieved, Rainy! Also I'm really hoping we get to hear you girls talk smack of each other down under. (Correct me if I'm misusing those terms.)



rainyday said:


> Do you know any trash talk words I can use?



I'm very new to this but I've heard that if you call her a "heaux" (Cajun term) the tears will come fast and hard. Talk loud, high and shrill, chew gum and wear a pony tail on TOP of your head. Begin every chain of insults, "Girl......." (then sudden fast shrill jabbering, followed hopefully by her tears.) Tell her her momma's not good and never was and her man's a cheap ass playa who drives a tin plate ride. There, now I feel better.


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## Boteroesque Babe (Apr 7, 2006)

Thank you, Santaclear, for all your Santaclarity.


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## Santaclear (Apr 7, 2006)

Michelle said:


> 1) What should I wear if called on to be a referee?
> 
> 2) How many tiddlies does it take to make a wink?



Hi, Michelle. I'll answer the tiddlywinks question first as tiddlies are of Australian origin (yes, I'm lying and don't know a damn thing about it!) and on that side of the hemisphere water goes down the drain COUNTER-clockwise (or so I've heard.) One hundred forty-four tiddlies make one wink. Don't they?

As for the referee outfit...well, this is the web and you're a beautiful fat woman. So I'd suggest something skimpy, possibly _very_ skimpy, maybe ripped shorts or something. But that's me....you have to go with your heart on this. Anything from cozy casual jeans and sweater-type look to extremely tight prison guard, nurse uniform, tankini, tank top....you name it, anything could work in this situation. Speak to the girls before the game just in case color coordination is an issue. Tiddlywinks refs can be very tough. I can't wait to hear how it went!  I know you can cuss like sailors.


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## Michelle (Apr 7, 2006)

Dear Anta:

Thank you for your answers and advice. I now know what I'll wear to referree and your answer about the tiddlywinks was just short of genius. That's the kind of information that's gonna make me a millionaire.

Anyway, I need your help again. I just posted to a thread that I knew something and I don't. The question was "Do you know why the caged bird sings?" and I answered "YES!" Well, actually, I don't know and if I'm questioned about it, I'll have to make something up, like, "Yes, because he's ratting out the one that got away" or something.

Well, anyway, I noticed that you got an email from the caged bird and I was wondering if maybe you could tell me why he sings, since I have this feeling I might have to back up my words. I'm kinda scared that I might make myself look ditzy or something, you know?

Anyway, I'd appreciate it if you could help me out and if you can't, well, I just won't understand but I'll try to be nice anyway. But really, you're just so wonderful, I'll probably get over it pretty quickly and you won't have to worry about me tracking you down and toilet papering your car or anything, or like, maybe sending you anonymous emails telling you that you've won a prize and just have to answer one question to claim it, or getting scared in the middle of the night because you're hearing weird sounds in your attic because I hired a raccoon to make them to scare you and stuff.

Anyway, okaybye!


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## Santaclear (Apr 7, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Thank you for your answers and advice. I now know what I'll wear to referree and your answer about the tiddlywinks was just short of genius.



Thank you , Michelle. Yes, it definitely was short of genius.



Michelle said:


> I just posted to a thread that I knew something and I don't. The question was "Do you know why the caged bird sings?" and I answered "YES!" Well, actually, I don't know and if I'm questioned about it, I'll have to make something up, like, "Yes, because he's ratting out the one that got away" or something.



It's called bluffing and we're both doing it. I think Chippy knows damn well why the bird sings and that's the reason he began the thread. If we act like we know too, he might be tricked and tell us. I was wondering if maybe the bird's a woman and singing because she's pregnant. Or just an regular bird, but hungry or needs water or or something.


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## rainyday (Apr 8, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I'm very new to this but I've heard that if you call her a "heaux" (Cajun term) the tears will come fast and hard. Talk loud, high and shrill, chew gum and wear a pony tail on TOP of your head. Begin every chain of insults, "Girl......." (then sudden fast shrill jabbering, followed hopefully by her tears.) Tell her her momma's not good and never was and her man's a cheap ass playa who drives a tin plate ride. There, now I feel better.



Okay, been practicing a shrill voice on the cats. They run out of the room every time, so I think I must have it down okay. I also tried the ponytail thing last night, but I think I had it too tight because my eyes got all squinty and I had a hell of a headache. I'm not so sure how I feel about making Jamie cry though. She seems kinda nice to do that to.



Santaclear said:


> I think Chippy knows damn well why the bird sings and that's the reason he began the thread. If we act like we know too, he might be tricked and tell us. I was wondering if maybe the bird's a woman and singing because she's pregnant. Or just an regular bird, but hungry or needs water or or something.



I know exactly why the bird sings. But he paid me good money not to say.


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## Tina (Apr 8, 2006)

Look, missy, we all know that Bubba two cells down has his balls in a jar, so he can just relax and quit paying people to keep his 'secret.' *That* is why he's singing. And a lovely falsetto, I might add. *sheesh!*


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## Michelle (Apr 9, 2006)

Okay, Anta. You've REALLY got me confused now. First you posted this:



Santaclear said:


> It's called bluffing and we're both doing it. I think Chippy knows damn well why the bird sings and that's the reason he began the thread. If we act like we know too, he might be tricked and tell us. I was wondering if maybe the bird's a woman and singing because she's pregnant. Or just an regular bird, but hungry or needs water or or something.


 
Then you posted this in the other thread:



Santaclear said:


> The caged bird is quite remarkable, Timberwolf. Yes, I've received numerous e-mails from him, even faxes. In fact, it was only a few weeks ago that we met for lunch at one of his favorite places (EXCELLENT food btw...the waitresses all know him and treat him like royalty. That bird's got good taste!) and that's when he revealed to me the reason why he sings.


 
I mean, I know you say you're bluffing, but geeze, you're a little too convincing to be bluffing, don't you think? Are you lying to me, Anta? And if so, why would you lie to me? And here I amost posted in that other thread about Dimensions men we adore and all I was gonna type was "anta". Now I don't know WHAT to do.  (Does that bird really have good taste? Does he have money?)

Anyway, the real point of this post was to ask you a question unrelated to all this caged bird doodoo, so here goes. I answered this question many years ago in an advise column I had. I've forgotten the answer I gave, but somehow remembered the question (probably cuz it kinda makes me gag). Here it is:

Do you think it's socially acceptable to drool for pleasure? If so, why? And if not, how come?

Thank you in advance for your answer.


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## Santaclear (Apr 11, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Okay, been practicing a shrill voice on the cats. They run out of the room every time, so I think I must have it down okay. I also tried the ponytail thing last night, but I think I had it too tight because my eyes got all squinty and I had a hell of a headache. I'm not so sure how I feel about making Jamie cry though. She seems kinda nice to do that to.



Sounds great, Rainy! Practicing on the pets is always a brilliant idea. I'm sure you look really professional with the ponytail and I'm getting a kick picturing you snapping gum and jabbering in the shrill voice while the cats hide in the other room. I know what you mean about Jamie. But you should consider that that smack-talking hussy is probably gonna pull every dirty trick in the book on you. 



rainyday said:


> I know exactly why the bird sings. But he paid me good money not to say.



Girl......there's no reason in the world why you should betray that good bird.
You just take that money and go buy yourself a nice big piece of jewelry, you hear?


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## Santaclear (Apr 11, 2006)

Tina said:


> Look, missy, we all know that Bubba two cells down has his balls in a jar, so he can just relax and quit paying people to keep his 'secret.' *That* is why he's singing. And a lovely falsetto, I might add. *sheesh!*



That's Tina! Tell it like it is, girl!


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## Santaclear (Apr 11, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Okay, Anta. You've REALLY got me confused now....
> 
> ...I mean, I know you say you're bluffing, but geeze, you're a little too convincing to be bluffing, don't you think? Are you lying to me, Anta? And if so, why would you lie to me? And here I almost posted in that other thread about Dimensions men we adore and all I was gonna type was "anta". Now I don't know WHAT to do.  (Does that bird really have good taste? Does he have money?)



Michelle, I understand how you might be feeling confused, but I think I can explain.
That caged bird is LOADED with cash up the wazoo. (Do I ever say "wazoo" in real life? No.) You saw how much Rainy said he paid her. That bird is filthy stinking rich, rich enough that if he says he sings for this reason, you just go "Great!". If he says he sings for the other reason, you just say, "that's WILD, Cagey, Daddy-O!" If he says he's hungry or that he's a woman and sings because he's pregnant you just go with it. 'Cos Cagey got dough and he gonna spread it around.



Michelle said:


> Do you think it's socially acceptable to drool for pleasure? If so, why? And if not, how come?



I try to keep an open mind but this question has me quite literally floored.

What pleasure could possibly be derived from drooling? 

Oh, I suppose it might be a _relief_ to drool if one's mouth produces an inordinate amount of saliva. Or in the hotter climates one might drool on oneself to beat the heat. Still, I'd recommend approaching this with caution.

Good rule of thumb: don't be a "wet blanket." Let the other person start drooling and _then_ join in.


----------



## rainyday (Apr 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I know what you mean about Jamie. But you should consider that that smack-talking hussy is probably gonna pull every dirty trick in the book on you.


Oh she did, she did! I only wish I'd seen this post BEFORE the game. If you hear ANYTHING else about what went down, just keep that in mind, okay?



Santaclear said:


> Girl......there's no reason in the world why you should betray that good bird. You just take that money and go buy yourself a nice big piece of jewelry, you hear?


After reading how much you're saying he's worth I'm feeling like a real chump. :doh: Man, I should have asked for more! I learned my lesson: Always consult Anta before negotiating!


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## Michelle (Apr 11, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I have some comments and another questions, but I'm too exhausted from the match last night to think straight.

I'll get back to you and when I do, you'd darn well better answer me, seeing that it was you who suggested I referree and I almost died from it!


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## Santaclear (Apr 12, 2006)

Lordy, Michelle and Rainy.......this whole chapter has been harrowing. I feel so....harrowed. And I'm so glad you didn't die, Michelle. Big Brother won't let me rep either of you just yet but you can be assured much adoration and admiration goes to both you brave warriors. And to beautiful "Jamie the Terrible" too.  

(That's the fight handle Jamie's using now, I hear....at least that's the name they use on the bootleg DVDr of the match for sale on the Paysite Board.)


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## Santaclear (Apr 12, 2006)

To those of you who might wonder, "How violent could a game of Scrabble possibly be?" 

All I can say is I made my first move.....putting down the letter "d". 

Next thing I see stars and wake up in an alley a day later, my wallet and most of my clothes gone. :bow:


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## jamie (Apr 12, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Next thing I see stars and wake up in an alley a day later, my wallet and most of my clothes gone. :bow:



Dear Anta,

Sorry about that.... I thought you and my brother were about the same size and I needed a quick bday present. The wallet was for me. Enjoy the stars.  

regards,

Jamie the Terrible 
Smack Talking Hussy


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## bigcutiekaroline (Apr 12, 2006)

Dear anta....
I too have a problem/question for you...I hope you can help.....Where do hangers go? I mean....I buy hangers all the time and still I never seem to have enough. Should I be worried about this? Do you think that there is a big black hole somewhere with all my hangers in it? Or perhaps someone is coming in while I sleep and stealing them? I am so tormented by this.....please please...tell me you have an answer for me! :shocked: :shocked: 
Karoline


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## Michelle (Apr 12, 2006)

Oh goody, Anta has a new question to answer! Guess I can wait to ask mine till this weekend. (Anta, thanks for being glad I didn't die.)


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## Santaclear (Apr 14, 2006)

bigcutiekaroline said:


> Dear anta....
> I too have a problem/question for you...I hope you can help.....Where do hangers go? I mean....I buy hangers all the time and still I never seem to have enough. Should I be worried about this? Do you think that there is a big black hole somewhere with all my hangers in it? Or perhaps someone is coming in while I sleep and stealing them? I am so tormented by this.....please please...tell me you have an answer for me! :shocked: :shocked:
> Karoline



Hahahahaha....I can't believe it's taken this long for you to notice!!!!  

WE have your hangers, Karoline, honey! We've been taking them for years! :bow: 

We just thought it would be a very funny practical joke and started doing it when you were still a teenager. You didn't seem to notice and continued to replace them. Now we over a thousand!   

If you like I'll have them shipped back to you.


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## Michelle (Apr 14, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> *WE *have your hangers, Karoline, honey! *We've* been taking them for years! :bow: *We* just thought it would be a very funny practical joke and started doing it when you were still a teenager. Now *we* over a thousand!


 
Oh no!! Santa, you're a *we*? What does that mean????!!!!??????


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## Santaclear (Apr 15, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Oh no!! Santa, you're a *we*? What does that mean????!!!!??????



It means me and my roommate.  
(Actually it was only 'cos it sounded better than "I have them.")

I like the red, Michelle! Makes the post look demonic.


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## rainyday (Apr 15, 2006)

Anta, are you responsible for missing socks, too?

What about all the earrings where I only have one the pair left? You again there too?


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## Santaclear (Apr 15, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Anta, are you responsible for missing socks, too?
> 
> What about all the earrings where I only have one the pair left? You again there too?



Yep, it's me and my deranged uncle. It makes us jolly.


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## Michelle (Apr 15, 2006)

By the look of Rainy's avatar, matching socks doesn't look to be the only fashion problem she has. (i made myself laugh - such a cute avatar) And Anta, this red is just for you, since you appear to like demonic. Next question. 

I have a class reunion this summer (and no, it's nobody's beeswax which one). I'm in a quandry, though. I haven't seen most of these people in five years, since the last one, and some much longer. It's always just a little bit nerve wracking to thing of these things. So my question is, how do scientists measure or calculate the weight of a planet?

As always, thanks!!!!


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## rainyday (Apr 15, 2006)

Michelle said:


> By the look of Rainy's avatar, matching socks doesn't look to be the only fashion problem she has.



Hey, I was only two. Plus I was still a blonde back then.


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## Santaclear (Apr 16, 2006)

Michelle said:


> And Anta, this red is just for you, since you appear to like demonic. Next question.
> 
> I have a class reunion this summer (and no, it's nobody's beeswax which one). I'm in a quandry, though. I haven't seen most of these people in five years, since the last one, and some much longer. It's always just a little bit nerve wracking to thing of these things. So my question is, how do scientists measure or calculate the weight of a planet?
> 
> As always, thanks!!!!



Thanks for the red, Michelle.
I'm not sure what scientists would do and I've gotta get to bed so I won't google but what _I'd_ do is:

1. Submerge the planet in water. (I've seen this in films and in some of the gays vs. religion threads here.) 
2. Weigh the mixture.
3. Remove planet.
4. Weigh the water.

Subtract the results of #4 from #2 and - voila! - you have your planet's weight. 
Oh yeah, don't forget to click "enter" or "save" at the end....otherwise everyone is screwed.  
Have fun at the reunion!


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## bigcutiekaroline (Apr 16, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hahahahaha....I can't believe it's taken this long for you to notice!!!!
> 
> WE have your hangers, Karoline, honey! We've been taking them for years! :bow:
> 
> ...


Damn....It was you???  I should have know!!!! I think that you should personally deliver them back and apologize for making me go slowly insane!!!


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## Timberwolf (Apr 17, 2006)

Dear Santa,

this is a question from a left alone wolf.
Some people from this board have tried to fool me over the easter days. They left me in a creepy forest with some well placed pictures of them, making me believe they're still there - just immobilzed by something I considered being some kind of easter magic.
After I found out, I created a soft toy copy of me, in order to get some revenge. But now I'm full of doubt - should I really do it?
What is your opinion to this?
Thank you in advance.

Your Timberwolf


Well, after taking a look around and thinking about it, I think I'm gonna do it.
*evil grin*


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## Janet (Apr 17, 2006)

Dear Santaclear,

While pretending to be a kitty, I climbed a tree because I was afraid that a wolf might eat me, but I was suppose to go out for Easter dinner, so I put a picture of me in my place and snuck off. 

Now, I feel bad. I like wolves. I even spent two months last year watching Arctic wolves for a friend's school project.

(I think I've gone too far. I even tried to put a spiked collar on Blackjack Jeeves!)

Now the wolf doesn't even move. He might be depressed from being left alone so long over the weekend--or he might be trying to trick me into coming down so he can have a snack.

What should I do???

Thanks,

Janet


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## Jes (Apr 17, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> 1. Submerge the planet in water. (I've seen this in films and in some of the gays vs. religion threads here.)
> 2. Weigh the mixture.
> 3. Remove planet.
> 4. Weigh the water.
> ...



This would work, I guess, if you had a reallllly big bathtub and a Steam-Powered Planet Mover.

Except with Saturn, which floats. Though I guess you could kind of hold it down.

What I would probably do (and I know I'm not the answerer, here) is get on the scale holding hte planet and weigh myself. Then let go of the planet, and weight myself again, and subtract.

This also works with cats.


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## Michelle (Apr 17, 2006)

See? I knew it, Anta. I knew people would realize what a sage you are and ask more questions. You've got some tough ones to answer now.

By the way, thank you SO much for your planet advice. I just had no idea and now, with yours and Jes' (Jes'es, Jes's, Jess' ... hmmm, I know there's a grammatical possesive rule here but I cannot remember it because I've been such a dork all day) ... where was I? Oh yeah - now with yours and Jes' (jesses, jess's jess' shoot i'm getting flummoxed) - ANYWAY

Anta, I have a crush on you. You're just so darned SMART.

Jes, do you have any idea how much a steam powered planet mover costs? I'd like to have one of those.


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## EvilPrincess (Apr 17, 2006)

Dear Santa, 

There is a large wasp in my office at work. I have called the maintenance crew over three times, each time they come the wasp hides and they cannot find it. I am not sure what I should do. Since it looks like I will be sharing an office with the wasp, should I offer to buy lunch tomorrow? 

BTW do you make house calls?


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## rainyday (Apr 17, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Jes, do you have any idea how much a steam powered planet mover costs? I'd like to have one of those.



The liability insurance on one of those things must be astronomical.


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## Michelle (Apr 18, 2006)

Astronomical. Such a punny girl, ya made me laff.


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## Santaclear (Apr 21, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Some people from this board have tried to fool me over the easter days. They left me in a creepy forest with some well placed pictures of them, making me believe they're still there - just immobilzed by something I considered being some kind of easter magic.
> After I found out, I created a soft toy copy of me, in order to get some revenge. But now I'm full of doubt - should I really do it?
> What is your opinion to this?
> 
> ...



Interesting story, Timberwolf. This reminds me of when the world crashed and had to be rebooted. From the looks of things (your avatar) tho, you already went and did it and they turned you into an evil squirrel. Or is the squirrel the copy?


----------



## Santaclear (Apr 21, 2006)

Janet said:


> While pretending to be a kitty, I climbed a tree because I was afraid that a wolf might eat me, but I was suppose to go out for Easter dinner, so I put a picture of me in my place and snuck off.
> Now, I feel bad. I like wolves. I even spent two months last year watching Arctic wolves for a friend's school project.
> (I think I've gone too far. I even tried to put a spiked collar on Blackjack Jeeves!)
> Now the wolf doesn't even move. He might be depressed from being left alone so long over the weekend--or he might be trying to trick me into coming down so he can have a snack.



Two months seems like a long time to watch wolves, Janet. Did you ever see any of them move? Or were they all like this one at the foot of the tree? 

As I see it the problem began when you pretended to be a kitty. Naturally you attracted the attention of a fierce wolf. But the good news is you managed to sneak off. Right now he's probably staring down your picture and thinking it's dinner. Or maybe it's the wolf's picture there in the grass looking up at your picture in the tree. Anyway, the weekend will be here soon.


----------



## Timberwolf (Apr 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Interesting story, Timberwolf. This reminds me of when the world crashed and had to be rebooted. From the looks of things (your avatar) tho, you already went and did it and they turned you into an evil squirrel. Or is the squirrel the copy?


Well, things went not as they were planned. The kitten came over here to ask you a question, too, read mine, and was warned. So she played my trick on me. After that, I came back here in order to ask another question and found hers. Afterwards, we tried to get friends. I was just about telling her a secret about me, when she just disappeared. She appeared here and there on the board, but never long enough to catch up with her...
Oh, the change into a squirrel... I did that myself... As a squirrel, life isn't that boring if you're alone somewhere... Usually, I'm not evil, just was a little grumpy and thought it would be fun to scare the others a bit...
Btw... If you should meet a mongoose with the initial BJ_J, don't wonder he wanted to be one... as I usually am a nice guy, I granted his wish...


----------



## Santaclear (Apr 21, 2006)

Jes said:


> This would work, I guess, if you had a reallllly big bathtub and a Steam-Powered Planet Mover.
> Except with Saturn, which floats. Though I guess you could kind of hold it down.
> What I would probably do (and I know I'm not the answerer, here) is get on the scale holding the planet and weigh myself. Then let go of the planet, and weight myself again, and subtract.
> This also works with cats.



The problem with soaking a planet (besides the mess) is holding it down long enough once it's underwater, keeping it from bobbing to the surface. Saturn, as you said, is a giant problem and probably not worth the headache. Start with small planets like Venus or perhaps our own moon. Don't use the underwater method with cats. Thank you for your wisdom, Jes. :bow:


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## Santaclear (Apr 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> See? I knew it, Anta. I knew people would realize what a sage you are and ask more questions. You've got some tough ones to answer now.
> Anta, I have a crush on you. You're just so darned SMART.



Is that like intelligent? 
Remember, without sage one can't spell "sausage" and where would we be then? We all have a tough road ahead. Crushing back at you, Michelle!


----------



## Santaclear (Apr 21, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> There is a large wasp in my office at work. I have called the maintenance crew over three times, each time they come the wasp hides and they cannot find it. I am not sure what I should do. Since it looks like I will be sharing an office with the wasp, should I offer to buy lunch tomorrow?



Hi, EvilPrincess. The wasp should offer to buy since it's your office. 

He (aren't most invading wasps male?) sounds crafty though. You might have to spring for lunch this time. Later, when the wasp can find a new office for you, he may have a change of heart and open up his wallet. I doubt it though. Wasps are cheap.


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## EvilPrincess (Apr 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, EvilPrincess. The wasp should offer to buy since it's your office.
> 
> He (aren't most invading wasps male?) sounds crafty though. You might have to spring for lunch this time. Later, when the wasp can find a new office for you, he may have a change of heart and open up his wallet. I doubt it though. Wasps are cheap.


 
Dear Santa, 

Thank you for your sage advice, unfortunately my new office buddy came to tragic ends. There was a small accident with a training manual. 

EP


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## Jes (Apr 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The problem with soaking a planet (besides the mess) is holding it down long enough once it's underwater, keeping it from bobbing to the surface. Saturn, as you said, is a giant problem and probably not worth the headache. Start with small planets like Venus or perhaps our own moon. Don't use the underwater method with cats. Thank you for your wisdom, Jes. :bow:



If you use the scale method with an angry cat, it still works, but you have to adjust for blood and tissue loss.

Learned that the hard way.


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## Michelle (Apr 22, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Wasps are cheap.


 
His name must have been Waspy McCheapenstein.


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## Michelle (Apr 22, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Is that like intelligent?
> Remember, without sage one can't spell "sausage" and where would we be then? We all have a tough road ahead. Crushing back at you, Michelle!


 
No. That's like smart. :c/ And WoW!, sage/sausage. That's really really intricate thinking, Anta McSantaclear. Or is that Santa McClearinstein? Your brain cells must spark consecutively or something.

So we're crushing each other? Does that mean we'll get flattened like the Acme Roadrunner? Oops, I mean Acme McRoadrunny. Geeze, I should smack Ann Marie - now I'm wanting to call everyone McSomething.

Okay, now that I've finished my flirting, next question. Anta, what's your favorite bug and why?


----------



## rainyday (Apr 22, 2006)

Dear Anta,

I have this friend who keeps adding Mc to all her words. it's like she's McAddled or something. Should I tell her normal people don't talk that way, or should I just keep quiet and mind my own business?

Also, one more question:
I just got a new combination lock to use on the lockers at the pool and I'm afraid I'm going to forget it. I'm thinking I could either write it on my hand in waterproof ink or carry bolt-cutters with me. Which do you recommend?


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## Tina (Apr 22, 2006)

I'd do two things, rainy.

1) tatoo the combination backwards on your forehead. That way all you have to do to see the 'secret code' is look in the mirror!
2) carry the bolt cutters on a chain around your neck, so that way it won't get lost (just in case you're not near a mirror).


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## rainyday (Apr 22, 2006)

Tina said:


> I'd do two things, rainy.
> 
> 1) tatoo the combination backwards on your forehead. That way all you have to do to see the 'secret code' is look in the mirror!
> 2) carry the bolt cutters on a chain around your neck, so that way it won't get lost (just in case you're not near a mirror).



Okay, I don't have time to go to the tatoo parlor, but tomorrow I'm going to write the code backwards on my forehead in archival ink. I'm not sure if I'm acid-free or not, but at least the ink will be and it should last a good long time. I just hope I can remember it from the mirror to my locker.

I'm going to skip the bolt cutters neck thing though. I think it would impede my fat girl floating abilities, and I do like secretly lording that over the skinny chicks at the pool.

Thanks for the help, Tanta


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## Tina (Apr 22, 2006)

Ahhhh... well, if you make the skinny girls wear them, too, you'll still have the advantage. Though it might get crowded at the bottom of the pool, you won't have to worry about them getting into your locker!

The archival ink might work -- do you have an acid-free forehead? I certainly hope so. In any case, you will be the envy of the pool set!


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## jamie (Apr 22, 2006)

Dearest and most wise Anta....

I need a shake-up...a makeover, something to get me out of my rut. As a faithful reader, I know of your admiration of spandex wrestling suits, however, my office has a strict no stretchy jumpsuits policy. I guess my question to you would be... do I go with the pink hair or the leather look. I think both would just be over the top and I am a subtle kinda girl.

P.S. to your other reader Rainy, what a pretty name that is, I would suggest making her combination 0-0-0 ... this is highly rememberable and not something your average thief would think of. That is what all my combinations, pin numbers and personal passwords are.


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## Michelle (Apr 25, 2006)

Tina said:


> I'd do two things, rainy.
> 
> 1) tatoo the combination backwards on your forehead. That way all you have to do to see the 'secret code' is look in the mirror!
> 2) carry the bolt cutters on a chain around your neck, so that way it won't get lost (just in case you're not near a mirror).


 
Tina - you're so extremidicioutationous smart!! Wow. I'm in awe. No wonder you have five cans!! Do you and Anta get together and trade genuisosities?


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## Santaclear (Apr 25, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Anta, what's your favorite bug and why?



Good question, Michelle. So you have a bug fetish, eh? Naughty girl!  

I don't have many bugs in my life right now. If I did or if I watched the Insect Channel I could probably summon up some good lore. Words like _arachnid_ and _katydid_ are cool. And all creatures are amazing, more so the more one checks them out. But since I haven't been checking them out lately I'll mostly go with the practical ones rather than exotic

Spiders are great 'cos they eat other bugs. Ants are very quiet and thus one of the least annoying. Praying mantises are really something. (They ROCK!)   Respect also goes to the monarch butterflies. :bow: And a quick shout-out to fireflies.

I'm forgetting hundreds of species, so my apologies if I missed your faves.


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## Santaclear (Apr 25, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Thank you for your sage advice, unfortunately my new office buddy came to tragic ends. There was a small accident with a training manual.



Damn manuals. I'm so sorry, EP.

I was going to say that hanging sage in your office might work as a wasp repellent but it looks like I'm a little late.


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## Santaclear (Apr 25, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I have this friend who keeps adding Mc to all her words. it's like she's McAddled or something. Should I tell her normal people don't talk that way, or should I just keep quiet and mind my own business?



I think I know what you mean, Rainy. There was even some of this going around here at the McForum the other day but luckily it seems to be McOver. Has your friend ever tried a macintosh apple? You should tell her about them! 



rainyday said:


> I just got a new combination lock to use on the lockers at the pool and I'm afraid I'm going to forget it. I'm thinking I could either write it on my hand in waterproof ink or carry bolt-cutters with me. Which do you recommend?



Although I like Tina's bolt-cutters-around-the-neck idea, maybe you should bypass these band-aid solutions and go with a professional. Call a locksmith each time you want to get into the locker and simply replace the lock each visit.


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## Tina (Apr 25, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Tina - you're so extremidicioutationous smart!! Wow. I'm in awe. No wonder you have five cans!! Do you and Anta get together and trade genuisosities?



Yes, anta and I are very eruditinous and meet at a private library-cum-smoking club to trade geniusotious expellations. They are impressive, to be sure, but we do try to keep them away from the flames.

Thank you for the attempt at being as extremidicioutationousicly smart as we are though, and better luck next time.


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## rainyday (Apr 25, 2006)

Tina said:


> Yes, anta and I are very eruditinous and meet at a private library-cum-smoking club.


Interesting club you frequent there, Tina. Never heard of that kind of tobaccy. 



Santaclear said:


> ...maybe you should bypass these band-aid solutions and go with a professional. Call a locksmith each time you want to get into the locker and simply replace the lock each visit.


See, this is really the kind of genius idea I come to you for, Anta. I'm so impressed that you seem unstumpable. If only our government would turn to you for advice too, I'm thinking life could be so much better.


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## Michelle (Apr 25, 2006)

You know, Jamie, Anta did such a good job at recommending your "Match" outfit, you're being a smart girl asking him for fashion advice. Oh, and your 0-0-0 thing is fantasmicallytubulargenuflectingly cool. Wonder if you could market that somehow?


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## Michelle (Apr 25, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Good question, Michelle. So you have a bug fetish, eh? Naughty girl!


 
Well, Anta, I wouldn't so much call it a fetish as a preference. Here's a picture of my ex-bugfriend. He was good in the sack but lacked that human quality that's so important, if you know what I mean. But yeah - next to you, bugs are my favs!!!







So here's my next question. Take your time on this one cuz I think it's gonna be pretty difficult to answer.

Have you ever eaten light? And if so, what did it taste like to you?


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## Michelle (Apr 25, 2006)

Tina said:


> Thank you for the attempt at being as extremidicioutationousicly smart as we are though, and better luck next time.


 
Hrrrhuummmpph!!!


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## rainyday (Apr 25, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Have you ever eaten light? And if so, what did it taste like to you?


I love this question lol.

Your post above made me realize I never responded to this from Jamie: 


jamie said:


> S. to your other reader Rainy, what a pretty name that is, I would suggest making her combination 0-0-0 ... this is highly rememberable and not something your average thief would think of. That is what all my combinations, pin numbers and personal passwords are.


Why thank you, Jamie. Like Michelle I was impressed with your suggestion! I didn't want to steal your idea totally though so I decided to use the combination 6-6-6 instead. I think one old lady at the pool must have that exact same combination too because she kind of gasped when she saw it on my forehead.


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## Jes (Apr 26, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Interesting club you frequent there, Tina. Never heard of that kind of tobaccy.
> 
> .



oh, the stories i could tell.


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## Tina (Apr 26, 2006)

It's just whacky, rainy!


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## Michelle (Apr 27, 2006)

"Have you ever eaten light? And if so, what did it taste like to you?"

I thought I'd better clarify this cuz I got a message from someone who was telling me that light food was good, like fruits and veggies and stuff.

That is not what I mean. I mean, have you eaten light, as in the stuff that comes out of lightbulbs and the sun and the back ends of those lightening bugs.


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Interesting club you frequent there, Tina. Never heard of that kind of tobaccy.



It is interesting, Rainy. My spattered smoking jacket betrays just how much time I end up spending there.


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Tina said:


> Yes, anta and I are very eruditinous and meet at a private library-cum-smoking club to trade geniusotious expellations. They are impressive, to be sure, but we do try to keep them away from the flames.
> Thank you for the attempt at being as extremidicioutationousicly smart as we are though, and better luck next time.



You rock, Tina!  Kudos to you for keeping the gelatinous appendages away from the flames. The genius parade must go on cum hell or high water. :doh:


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Well, Anta, I wouldn't so much call it a fetish as a preference. Here's a picture of my ex-bugfriend. He was good in the sack but lacked that human quality that's so important, if you know what I mean. But yeah - next to you, bugs are my favs!!!



What a hot bug! He looks like a great catch, Michelle. Why'd you keep him in a sack?



Michelle said:


> Have you ever eaten light? And if so, what did it taste like to you?



One time I thought I would try just a little bite. It slowed down ('cos light tends to travel, ya know) while I chewed, and the surprising thing was it caused time to slow down too while I was eating it. The whole bite seemed to last a week but I'll never know since time had already slowed so much and of course it's all relative.

It had a sort of light taste, somewhat like rice cakes but with less to bite on. I was hungry when I finished.


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> "Have you ever eaten light? And if so, what did it taste like to you?"
> I thought I'd better clarify this cuz I got a message from someone who was telling me that light food was good, like fruits and veggies and stuff.
> That is not what I mean. I mean, have you eaten light, as in the stuff that comes out of lightbulbs and the sun and the back ends of those lightening bugs.



For a second I thought you meant "light food" too, so I was gonna say that I've been very strictly following Fuzzy's "What Are You Craving?" diet suggestions for a while now, and most of it isn't light.

The light that I had the one time came from just a stray ray. I'm not sure where it originated.


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## Michelle (Apr 30, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I know this post is very long and you might not make it all the way through it, but try to because it's very important. It could make the difference of world peace versus World War III or something similarly important. Just to help you along, I put a very intriguing picture on the bottom to make it more enticing for you to read everything so you can get to the bottom. Thank you.




Santaclear said:


> What a hot bug!


Well, he wasnt exactly hot, Anta. Kinda luke warm, actually, because as you know, bugs are those ectothermic, non-vertebrate, cold-blooded types. Actually, I dont know what any of those words mean, they just sound cool to me.




Santaclear said:


> He looks like a great catch, Michelle.


Oh, he WAS a great catch, Anta. I netted him at the Royal Herpetological Society seminar on Insect Biocontrol with Non-endemic Entomopathogenic Nematodes (Steinernema and Heterorhabditis) in Madagascar.




Santaclear said:


> Whyd you keep him in a sack?


If I hadnt of kept him in a sack, he would have flown away, silly!




Santaclear said:


> One time I thought I would try just a little bite. It slowed down ('cos light tends to travel, ya know) while I chewed, and the surprising thing was it caused time to slow down too while I was eating it. The whole bite seemed to last a week but I'll never know since time had already slowed so much and of course it's all relative.


 Did you feel time slowing down or did you just find that out after you were done and had missed a bunch of work and got fired and lost your home and didnt have anything to eat and had to steal a grocery cart and live in a tunnel?




Santaclear said:


> It had a sort of light taste, somewhat like rice cakes but with less to bite on. I was hungry when I finished.


Did it sorta bounce around in your mouth, the way light is known to bounce around? And if so, did it bounce lightly like an atom or did it make outcroppings in your cheeks?




Santaclear said:


> The light that I had the one time came from just a stray ray. I'm not sure where it originated.


Since it was a stray ray and you don't know where it originated from, aren't you kind of worried that you might come down with some sort of disease that will render you unable to do whatever it is you like to do the most?

Anta, did you forget to answer Jamies fashion question or are you out of ideas in the haute couture arena? If you are, maybe Tina could answer her question for you, since Tina is _almost_ as smart as you.

I will ask my next question later this week sometime. I want to let it roll around in my brain first just in case I figure it out on my own, cuz you might think its kind of a dumb question otherwise.

Best wishes.

Yours very truly,

Michelle

p.s. What do elevator dreams mean when the elevator is like a great big family room?

Oh, here's the picture I promised you.


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## Tina (Apr 30, 2006)

_"Almost"_, Michelle?







jamie said:


> Dearest and most wise Anta....
> 
> I need a shake-up...a makeover, something to get me out of my rut. As a faithful reader, I know of your admiration of spandex wrestling suits, however, my office has a strict no stretchy jumpsuits policy. I guess my question to you would be... do I go with the pink hair or the leather look. I think both would just be over the top and I am a subtle kinda girl.



At your request, even though you're insulting, I will answer the question.

Jamie, we know you're really not all that subtle -- just not the first to go with a trend. Therefore, since it's already been done, I suggest you go with the pink hair *and* the leather. Further, I'd make sure you either wear a transparent blouse or a frontless leather bustier so your large nipple rings will show and intimidate the lesser women in the office. It can also help sales. Just do stay away from this.


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## jamie (Apr 30, 2006)

Tina said:


> so your large nipple rings will show and intimidate the lesser women in the office. It can also help sales. Just do stay away from this.




The first time I read this, I completely missed the word "ring" I was wondering why you wanted me to go topless and avoid a giant magnet... I was a little afraid of what you knew about me.

I have an appointment to get the pink hair on Tuesday. I already own the leather and sheer apparel (it comes in clingy sheets at the supermarket for $2.99 a roll).


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## Tina (Apr 30, 2006)

Heh. Well, I guess we *all* know something about you now, darlin'.


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Beware - LONG POST - Get some uppers before you try to read.



Michelle, you should know by now not to sell drugs here. There are other forums for that.

I'm really happy to hear about your bug. That seminar you went to sounds way more intelligent than any seminar Tina has mentioned lately.

When time slowed down all objects seemed to move further away and sounds seemed to drop in pitch, like a slowed-down tape recording. All light got progressively dimmer and sorta warped-looking. I felt as if I was plummeting backward thru a long tunnel. When I woke up I had no job.

About eating the light: it bounced around. (Light is nothing if not playful.) It was a little tingly and felt almost carbonated. But as I said, it wasn't that satisfying and caused time to slow down so I don't recommend it.

Great picture! :wubu: That bulb must get _hot._ The screw thread contact, inert gas and support wires are certainly nothing to sneeze at. :bow: (This emoticon is sneezing, I just found out.) I'll have a look at Jamie's post.


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> What do elevator dreams mean when the elevator is like a great big family room?



If the elevator's going up it means all is well for the family. Stopped at a floor means picking up or dropping off passengers. Going down is to be avoided at all costs - if you ever dream it's going down try to wake yourself up before it's too late. :bow: (Oops - sneezing emoticon. Excuse me!)


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Jes said:


> oh, the stories i could tell.



_Do_ tell, Ms. Jes, boobookitty! Just one?


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## rainyday (Apr 30, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> It is interesting, Rainy. My spattered smoking jacket betrays just how much time I end up spending there.



I'm kind of at a loss for what to say. Except maybe, "Can I get you a wet wipe?"


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

Tina said:


> _"Almost"_, Michelle?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This is all my fault, Tina. I lied to Michelle in a pm, telling her that I'm slightly smarter than you and in fact am a member of MENSA (non-existent organization for highly intelligent people.) I feel very ashamed now. :bow: (Oops - sneezing emoticon again - excuse me!)


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## Santaclear (Apr 30, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I'm kind of at a loss for what to say. Except maybe, "Can I get you a wet wipe?"



Thanks Raingirl, but I'm afraid that might not be enough. The jacket's so encrusted ("super encrusted", the doorman called it) that if I try to wipe it the collar might break off.


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## Santaclear (May 1, 2006)

jamie said:


> I have an appointment to get the pink hair on Tuesday. I already own the leather and sheer apparel (it comes in clingy sheets at the supermarket for $2.99 a roll).



Jamie, cancel that appointment at once! Who needs pink hair when the Reynolds people already make a great hair wrap!? (also priced quite reasonably at supermarkets - I got the idea from your "sheer apparel.")

That's right, while your lovely bodice will be wrapped tight in clingy revealing Saran your head can look like a package of Jiffy Pop popcorn all ready to go and suddenly you're the envy of the whole ghetto, city and suburbs! 

Too revealing? Once you get your hair bunched up in the tin foil, your torso and middle in Saran wrap and a little leather on you can just throw a trenchcoat or slush parka over it and no one will be the wiser.


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## jamie (May 1, 2006)

Thanks Anta for the good advice.. I am gonna go check the Sunday paper for some coupons.


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## rainyday (May 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I'm afraid that might not be enough. The jacket's so encrusted ("super encrusted", the doorman called it) that if I try to wipe it the collar might break off.



Available at industrial supply stores.


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## Jes (May 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> _Do_ tell, Ms. Jes, boobookitty! Just one?


ok, but what were they about?


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## Santaclear (May 2, 2006)

Jes said:


> ok, but what were they about?



The first one was about the little boobookitty with a very fine booty who kept getting unsolicited pms in her box and they pleased her.

The second was about the two boobookitties who were gay and who were allowed to get married so they could live happily ever after.

The third was about the little racist boobookitty who wrote inflammatory posts.

Your call on the fourth.


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## Santaclear (May 2, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Available at industrial supply stores.



Thanks, Rainy. Jacket Goddess.


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## Jes (May 2, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The first one was about the little boobookitty with a very fine booty who kept getting unsolicited pms in her box and they pleased her.
> 
> The second was about the two boobookitties who were gay and who were allowed to get married so they could live happily ever after.
> 
> ...


Who is the first about? 

The fourth is about the library where one sick boobookitty kept masturbating all over the ...Thai census and worker boobookitties had to clean them up b/c it's not like you can just order another round of census materials from Thailand. But who jizzes on the THAI CENSUS? 

and don't none of you get uppity and disgusted with me, now. We were talking about what people did in libraries or something, I think. And I told you I had 'the goods.'


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## Jes (May 2, 2006)

wait. There's more. I hope you all know that I call people BBK in real life, too. I mean, that's how it started.

So I'll be at a store and I'll need something, and oh yes, I do. 

I hope you all start calling people boobookitty, too.


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## Santaclear (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> Who is the first about?



How do I know? I just make 'em up. Anyway you said there were stories you could tell, something to do perhaps with odd tobaccy similar to your story of the little sick Thai census jizzing boobookitty.
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=111923&postcount=125



Jes said:


> The fourth is about the library where one sick boobookitty kept masturbating all over the ...Thai census and worker boobookitties had to clean them up b/c it's not like you can just order another round of census materials from Thailand. But who jizzes on the THAI CENSUS?



Good point, Jes. But we should try not to judge him. It's a census, not a fetish. I mean preference. Besides, all men are like that.


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## Santaclear (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> wait. There's more. I hope you all know that I call people BBK in real life, too. I mean, that's how it started.
> So I'll be at a store and I'll need something, and oh yes, I do.
> I hope you all start calling people boobookitty, too.



I know that, but calling people boobookitty isn't really my style, even if I need something from them. My ex and I called each other BooBoo tho, still do. (She started it.) After a short time it mutated to be "BooBoo" in a variety of different voices according to the occasion - some high, some low, sometimes growling, sometimes gruff, sometimes like a duck or squeaky. 

I will call others boobookitty when I'm ready, but for now I'll call you boobookitty. Boobookitty.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

When I call people cutesy names: Adorable.

When other people call each other cutesy names (unless it's Jes!): Nauseating.


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## Jane (May 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> If the elevator's going up it means all is well for the family. Stopped at a floor means picking up or dropping off passengers. Going down is to be avoided at all costs - if you ever dream it's going down try to wake yourself up before it's too late. :bow: (Oops - sneezing emoticon. Excuse me!)


Well, duh, "Going down" with your family is just SICK!!!!

(Oh, you haven't met my family have you? Trust me, it would be sick)


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I know that, but calling people boobookitty isn't really my style, even if I need something from them. My ex and I called each other BooBoo tho, still do. (She started it.) After a short time it mutated to be "BooBoo" in a variety of different voices according to the occasion - some high, some low, sometimes growling, sometimes gruff, sometimes like a duck or squeaky.
> 
> I will call others boobookitty when I'm ready, but for now I'll call you boobookitty. Boobookitty.



The other grossness is that as a librarian who has to share a bathroom with patrons, you often get to see what those patrons take into the can with them to...enjoy.

And it is the craziest stuff. Guys getting all hot and horny over, like, gardening magazines. It's always the weirdest stuff.

And of course the pedophiles all hang out at the public library. Might as well call the place the pubic library. Parents are always horrified that things take place there, but c'mon! Wake up and smell the cat food! It's a building full of stairwells and out-of-view corners, and lots and lots of unattended children. It's like the Pedophile THEME PARK. The pedophile HALL OF FAME.


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## Santaclear (May 5, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> When I call people cutesy names: Adorable.
> 
> When other people call each other cutesy names (unless it's Jes!): Nauseating.



Thank you, Shmoopiekins. :kiss2: 

When I was in college there was a couple I named "The Grotesque Couple." They were constantly pawing each other with a kind of wild-eyed enthusiasm, licking each other's ears, cooing. They wore matching clothes (after a while the uniform was baggy black sweatpants and loose white t-shirts moist with their juices) and after a short time got matching haircuts (shaggy black and shortish.) I almost never saw them hang out with or even talk to anyone else. They were a tiny cult and seemed grotesquely happy, hence the name (never used in their presence, mind you.) They left after the second year. No one will ever know what they had. :bow: 

I've always been decidedly unsentimental with the pet names but with my last gf we descended to "BooBoo." It's OK to use them sarcastically sometimes.


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## Michelle (May 5, 2006)

Jes said:


> But who jizzes on the THAI CENSUS?


 
Dear Anta:

Could you please educate me on the word "jizzes"? I only sortakinda learned what it means a few years ago and I'm not sure if what that person told me was the truth. Could you tell me how it is pronounced, what it's definition is and the roots of the word?

I looked it up on allwords.com, but somehow, this doesn't fit how Jes used it, cuz she used it as a verb.
*jizz*
_noun_ 
_jizzes_
1. The characteristic features of a bird, animal or plant which distinguish it from other species that resemble it.
*Etymology*: 20c.

Then there was this link. It looks like somebody is squirting a water bottle on Tom Cruise. http://chapelletom.ytmnd.com/

I have to admit, it's kind of a cute little word, whatever it is.

Thank you very much in advance for clearing this confusing thing up, Anta.

Michelle


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## Jane (May 5, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Thank you, Shmoopiekins. :kiss2:
> 
> When I was in college there was a couple I named "The Grotesque Couple." They were constantly pawing each other with a kind of wild-eyed enthusiasm, licking each other's ears, cooing. They wore matching clothes (after a while the uniform was baggy black sweatpants and loose white t-shirts moist with their juices) and after a short time got matching haircuts (shaggy black and shortish.) I almost never saw them hang out with or even talk to anyone else. They were a tiny cult and seemed grotesquely happy, hence the name (never used in their presence, mind you.) They left after the second year. No one will ever know what they had. :bow:
> 
> I've always been decidedly unsentimental with the pet names but with my last gf we descended to "BooBoo." It's OK to use them sarcastically sometimes.


When I was a food stamp worker, I had one couple who came in for each interview, wrapped around each other, and smelling like they did it in the car before they came in.

Yes, I discussed birth control options EVERY TIME they came in.


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## Michelle (May 5, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Great picture! :wubu: That bulb must get _hot._ The screw thread contact, inert gas and support wires are certainly nothing to sneeze at. :bow: (This emoticon is sneezing, I just found out.) I'll have a look at Jamie's post.


 
You forgot all about the glass mount. :-/


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## Jes (May 5, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> 
> Could you please educate me on the word "jizzes"? I only sortakinda learned what it means a few years ago and I'm not sure if what that person told me was the truth. Could you tell me how it is pronounced, what it's definition is and the roots of the word?
> 
> ...


Back in college, we had an ice cream place that started selling a new product--it was fatless and sugarless or something, and it was called gis'e (i can't do the accent). Imagine a french word, pron. 'zhee-zay.' 

And of course all the women who wanted ice cream but also wanted to remain very thin came in and ate it by the truck load. And I was asking one employee if people had trouble with the name and he was laughing, telling me that these porn-star-cute (at least to the guys behind the counter0 'co eds' always came in asking for a 'cup of jizz' and it was so difficult not to break out laughing.


----------



## Santaclear (May 6, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Could you please educate me on the word "jizzes"? I only sortakinda learned what it means a few years ago and I'm not sure if what that person told me was the truth. Could you tell me how it is pronounced, what it's definition is and the roots of the word?
> 
> I looked it up on allwords.com, but somehow, this doesn't fit how Jes used it, cuz she used it as a verb.
> *jizz*
> ...



I'm pretty sure the first time I said "jizz" was six years ago when the record store I work at had a series of CDs I was ordering called "Giants of Jazz" which I kept nonchalantly referring to as "Giants of Jizz". I believe it's an acronym for "jazz" and "biz" and refers to the music business. The deadly sperm wail, ya know. Hope that helps. 

It's pronounced how it looks, Michelle, rhymes with _fizz_ or _fizzes._

The bird-features thing looks like a dead end to me. Most pop culture references are lost on me too but I liked Tom Cruise in "Born On the 4th of July", "Eyes Wide Shut", "Magnolia" and "Vanilla Sky."


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## Santaclear (May 7, 2006)

Michelle said:


> You forgot all about the glass mount. :-/



Mmmmmm. :eat2: 

I just noticed something about your avatar, Michelle. I had the page on my screen scrolled to just aboout the point where the guy-in-it's head is getting slightly cut off. If you do that, then it looks like the silhouette of a bird flying in the _opposite_ direction carrying a suitcase. Does this mean I'm depressed?


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## Timberwolf (May 7, 2006)

Nope. You just got a powerful imagination.


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## Michelle (May 7, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I'm pretty sure the first time I said "jizz" was six years ago when the record store I work at had a series of CDs I was ordering called "Giants of Jazz" which I kept nonchalantly referring to as "Giants of Jizz". I believe it's an acronym for "jazz" and "biz" and refers to the music business. The deadly sperm wail, ya know. Hope that helps.


 
Oh, it was very helpful, Anta! Next time I get together with a group of jazz musicians, I'll be sure to use my new-found term with them. And I'll say it really loud so they'll all hear. I'm sure they'll REALLY be impressed!! Thanks!!



Santaclear said:


> I just noticed something about your avatar, Michelle. I had the page on my screen scrolled to just aboout the point where the guy-in-it's head is getting slightly cut off. If you do that, then it looks like the silhouette of a bird flying in the _opposite_ direction carrying a suitcase. Does this mean I'm depressed?


 
I agree with Timberwolf. I don't think it means you're depressed. His explanation could be correct, but I think a better explanation would be that this is an omen. What backwards flying birds carrying suitcases omens mean could be one of three things, as follows:

1) Watch your head for flying debris.

2) If you have travel planned in the near future, make sure it's in the southern hemisphere so the backwards thing will really mean forwards.

3) You will soon be visiting a large institution with people in white coats carrying long needles.

Hope this helps too!


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## rainyday (May 7, 2006)

Jes said:


> And I was asking one employee if people had trouble with the name and he was laughing, telling me that these porn-star-cute (at least to the guys behind the counter0 'co eds' always came in asking for a 'cup of jizz' and it was so difficult not to break out laughing.



Wonder if they sold a blueberry flavor with a blue tint.


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## Jane (May 8, 2006)

How did this drop to page 2?

Don't more people need Anta's answers to life?


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## Michelle (May 8, 2006)

Yes!! Thanks for the reminder, Jane! I meant to post this question yesterday and totally forgot because I was mowing up Hyde Park thoughts. Jane, don't you have any burning questions too?

Dear Anta:

I want to paint my bathroom, but I have a problem. I tore all the wallpaper down and some of the wall came off with it. So my question is this:

If you were given two red jelly beans, three blue jelly beans, one hot cinnamon jaw breaker, a chocolate bunny and some Good 'n Plentys, would you share them with a fortune teller and if so, would you expect the fortune teller to give you something in return, and if so, what?

Thank you very much.


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## Miss Vickie (May 8, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Why does black licorice taste like ass?

Thank you in advance,

Vickums


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## Jane (May 8, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Why do my friends not understand when I call them first thing in the morning and yell at them for something they did in a dream.

They did it. Why don't they remember? Is it because I was asleep so they forgot?

Confused


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## rainyday (May 9, 2006)

Whoa, Anta. You're getting a backlog here.

I won't ask you something hard, like whether the unruly mob in Hyde Park should add bamboo stakes and barbed hooks to their impalement instruments or if plain old pitchforks will do. But I do have an important question.

Michelle and I were talking today about power naps. Specifically power naps taken on the pot in the workplace. I say (and I base this on experience) that when the work week gets too long, the Tidy Bowl Man's Royal Empire is a fine and handy place to covertly nap when needed. Michelle remains skeptical and somewhat convinced that toppling is bound occur mid-nap. Could you try out some power naps this week on the hopper at your workplace, then report back to us with your opinion on this? Thank you.

P.S. Did you know that an alternative name for toilet paper is "shit ticket." I just learned this myself.


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## Fuzzy (May 10, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Whoa, Anta. You're getting a backlog here.
> 
> I won't ask you something hard, like whether the unruly mob in Hyde Park should add bamboo stakes and barbed hooks to their impalement instruments or if plain old pitchforks will do. But I do have an important question.
> 
> ...



I'm really curious on how toppling is avoided.


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## rainyday (May 10, 2006)

Fuzzy said:


> I'm really curious on how toppling is avoided.



The trick is careful pre-snooze leaning. Fall asleep unpropped and toppling's inevitable. But placing the trunk at a 45 degree angle against the stall wall before napping ensures a constant semi-upright position. Narrow stall walls help too, as does fatness. More fat = less angle needed to lean.


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## Santaclear (May 11, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Oh, it was very helpful, Anta! Next time I get together with a group of jazz musicians, I'll be sure to use my new-found term with them. And I'll say it really loud so they'll all hear. I'm sure they'll REALLY be impressed!! Thanks!!



Be sure to tell them about the "Giants of Jiz" series too!  

(Somehow the word looks just as natural to me with only one "z".)


----------



## Santaclear (May 11, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I want to paint my bathroom, but I have a problem. I tore all the wallpaper down and some of the wall came off with it. So my question is this:
> 
> If you were given two red jelly beans, three blue jelly beans, one hot cinnamon jaw breaker, a chocolate bunny and some Good 'n Plentys, would you share them with a fortune teller and if so, would you expect the fortune teller to give you something in return, and if so, what?



Good question, Michelle.  Eating candy is a lot more fun than doing home renovation work.

I would give the teller all the candy except for the chocolate bunny (which I probably would have already eaten.)

In exchange for the candy I would expect her to repair the wall and paint it. Pretty slick, huh? :bow:


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## Santaclear (May 11, 2006)

Miss Vickie said:


> Why does black licorice taste like ass?



Hi, Vickie. It's because of the way it's manufactured.

I won't go into detail because I don't want to spoil your enjoyment of it. 

I can tell you that you're not alone. They (the licorice industry) are working on the problem and are trying to correct it.


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## Michelle (May 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, Vickie. It's because of the way it's manufactured. I won't go into detail because I don't want to spoil your enjoyment of it. I can tell you that you're not alone. They (the licorice industry) are working on the problem and are trying to correct it.


 
I know! I know! I'll answer it in detail! It's because liquorice, as we know, is black. And to get it black, the liquorice industry has to steal copious amounts of tar from some secret tar pits in the Amazon basin. They send little secret people to collect the tar. These tar pits are known to be a crossing place for mules, (also known as asses) who are traveling to their breeding grounds in Outer Kiniwinchookitchichoopatoo. Usually, they would be in quite the hurry to go breed, so they often would slip off their little paths and fall into the tar pits. They would then slowly die and become a part of the pits. So that's why black liquorice tastes like ass. Anta's pretty sweet not to want to tell you. I'm sure he thought it would make you far too sad to eat it anymore. I, on the other hand, feel you deserve to know.


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## Michelle (May 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Good question, Michelle.  Eating candy is a lot more fun than doing home renovation work.
> 
> I would give the teller all the candy except for the chocolate bunny (which I probably would have already eaten.)
> 
> In exchange for the candy I would expect her to repair the wall and paint it. Pretty slick, huh? :bow:


 
WoW! Good idea, Anta. I was just sure you were going to tell me to ask the fortune teller to dress up in some wrestling gear.


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## Michelle (May 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Be sure to tell them about the "Giants of Jiz" series too!


 
Oh, I will! I'll also tell them about the "Jizz After Dark" series too!


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## Santaclear (May 12, 2006)

Jane said:


> How did this drop to page 2? Don't more people need Anta's answers to life?



Evidently they don't, Jane. This is a very dark day for the thread. My investors will be pissed when I skip town.


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## Santaclear (May 12, 2006)

Jane said:


> Why do my friends not understand when I call them first thing in the morning and yell at them for something they did in a dream.
> They did it. Why don't they remember? Is it because I was asleep so they forgot?



Who needs fair weather friends like that? Some friends they are! That's like having friends who'll appear in your good dreams but won't show up for nightmares! I say call 'em and yell now.....try and understand later.

Jane, the human subconscious is a very complicated thing. Often they don't know WHY they did what they did in your dream (after all, it was only a dream) so they try to cover for it. Kudos to you for cutting through all the bullshit and giving 'em what for.


----------



## Santaclear (May 12, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I won't ask you something hard, like whether the unruly mob in Hyde Park should add bamboo stakes and barbed hooks to their impalement instruments or if plain old pitchforks will do.



Thanks for not asking, Rainy.
Pitchforks have worked fine there so far. There's nothing quite like the grim satisfaction of seeing a particularly obnoxious poster getting gored by the same group over and over, then rising like a zombie (see "Zombie" thread) to post again and again (and again.)

But it's getting old. Hyde Park needs an army of moderators now to "keep the peace". In addition, our borders on all other forums need strengthening. And a separate Impalement Forum should be created within Hyde Park where the instruments you mentioned (and many more) can be used on offenders, hopefully for eternity.


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## Santaclear (May 12, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Michelle and I were talking today about power naps. Specifically power naps taken on the pot in the workplace. I say (and I base this on experience) that when the work week gets too long, the Tidy Bowl Man's Royal Empire is a fine and handy place to covertly nap when needed. Michelle remains skeptical and somewhat convinced that toppling is bound occur mid-nap. Could you try out some power naps this week on the hopper at your workplace, then report back to us with your opinion on this?
> P.S. Did you know that an alternative name for toilet paper is "shit ticket." I just learned this myself.



I wish I could help, Rainy. I'm jealous! I've probably taken less than 15 naps in my life. I'm getting better at it, tho. (Only from not sleeping the previous 49 years.) Still, no way could I fall asleep sitting. I applaud you ladies for having the gumption to take your rest where you can, toppling or no. 

I'm gonna start exclaiming "Shit Ticket!," and "Let's see some jizz!," all the time now when I'm out in public. I'll be sure to report back.


----------



## Jane (May 12, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Who needs fair weather friends like that? Some friends they are! That's like having friends who'll appear in your good dreams but won't show up for nightmares! I say call 'em and yell now.....try and understand later.
> 
> Jane, the human subconscious is a very complicated thing. Often they don't know WHY they did what they did in your dream (after all, it was only a dream) so they try to cover for it. Kudos to you for cutting through all the bullshit and giving 'em what for.


Boy, oh boy, you are GOOD!!!!!


----------



## Miss Vickie (May 12, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I know! I know! I'll answer it in detail! It's because liquorice, as we know, is black. And to get it black, the liquorice industry has to steal copious amounts of tar from some secret tar pits in the Amazon basin. They send little secret people to collect the tar. These tar pits are known to be a crossing place for mules, (also known as asses) who are traveling to their breeding grounds in Outer Kiniwinchookitchichoopatoo. Usually, they would be in quite the hurry to go breed, so they often would slip off their little paths and fall into the tar pits. They would then slowly die and become a part of the pits. So that's why black liquorice tastes like ass. Anta's pretty sweet not to want to tell you. I'm sure he thought it would make you far too sad to eat it anymore. I, on the other hand, feel you deserve to know.



See now, I thought it was because it was flavored with anise. *baDUMbump* But I like your 'splanation, better. It makes much more sense to me.


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## Timberwolf (May 13, 2006)

Dear Santa, I'm (Hey, no photos!) a little confused today.
What can I do? (Oops, there's a thundersorm rising, no photographer...)


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## Santaclear (May 13, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Michelle and I were talking today about power naps. Specifically power naps taken on the pot in the workplace. I say (and I base this on experience) that when the work week gets too long, the Tidy Bowl Man's Royal Empire is a fine and handy place to covertly nap when needed. Michelle remains skeptical and somewhat convinced that toppling is bound occur mid-nap. Could you try out some power naps this week on the hopper at your workplace, then report back to us with your opinion on this?



So I tried to follow up on this this week, Rainy. I couldn't very well try it at my own workplace since it's small with only a few single bathrooms in the building and I'd be hogging the space from my coworkers. So instead, on my day off I went downtown to a large office building, took the elevator to the sixth floor and went into a public bathroom with _many_ stalls.

Well, I tried two different rooms and wouldn'tcha know it? They were all full of people snoozing, pants or dresses around their ankles!  I waited twenty minutes in the second one and couldn't even get a stall! Hell, it was peaceful in there. All the snoring was louder than the ventilation system. I can still hear the "whistling" sound from when they exhale. Also, I think the pheromones from all the people getting good rest were getting to me and I started to lie down across the sinks to catch some winks, then thought better of it.


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## Santaclear (May 13, 2006)

Michelle said:


> They send little secret people to collect the tar. These tar pits are known to be a crossing place for mules, (also known as asses) who are traveling to their breeding grounds in Outer Kiniwinchookitchichoopatoo.



Is that a picture of one of the secret people in your avatar, Michelle? (Thanks for changing it! It no longer looks like the silhouette of a bird flying the opposite direction and carrying a suitcase when you cut the head off to me.)


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## TraciJo67 (May 13, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, Vickie. It's because of the way it's manufactured.
> 
> I won't go into detail because I don't want to spoil your enjoyment of it.
> 
> I can tell you that you're not alone. They (the licorice industry) are working on the problem and are trying to correct it.



Dear Vickie,

I have a question of my own: How do you know what 'ass' tastes like, for comparison purposes?


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## rainyday (May 13, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> So I tried to follow up on this this week, Rainy. I couldn't very well try it at my own workplace since it's small with only a few single bathrooms in the building and I'd be hogging the space from my coworkers. So instead, on my day off I went downtown to a large office building, took the elevator to the sixth floor and went into a public bathroom with _many_ stalls.
> 
> Well, I tried two different rooms and wouldn'tcha know it? They were all full of people snoozing, pants or dresses around their ankles!  I waited twenty minutes in the second one and couldn't even get a stall! Hell, it was peaceful in there. All the snoring was louder than the ventilation system. I can still hear the "whistling" sound from when they exhale. Also, I think the pheromones from all the people getting good rest were getting to me and I started to lie down across the sinks to catch some winks, then thought better of it.



I hope they weren't the automatic sensor kind, Anta. It's hard enough to explain water on one's front when the sink sprays, but if you left there with water on your backside from laying with your butt in the sink, I bet people probably looked at you kind a funny.

And good thinking checking both the men's and the women's restrooms even if it didn't work out. I knew we could count on you. Was it your first time in a ladies room or are you an old hand at that?

Edited to add: I wonder why some women had their dresses around their ankles. That's not how women pee. Just what kind of bathroom were you in?


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## Santaclear (May 13, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Dear Santa, I'm (Hey, no photos!) a little confused today.
> What can I do? (Oops, there's a thundersorm rising, no photographer...)



Very tough question, Cousin Wolf. I'm a little confused by it myself.

When you say, "Hey, no photos!," does that mean you don't want any of us paparrazzi to snap photos of you while you post? 

Or, later in the post you write "no photographer..." Is that a complaint that there's no photographer to take pictures of the storm? Or are you fighting off the paparrazzi again. Or are you COMPLAINING there's no photographer to take pics of you? Or else bemoaning that YOU'RE no photographer and therefore can't take pics of the beautiful storm.


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## Santaclear (May 13, 2006)

rainyday said:


> And good thinking checking both the men's and the women's restrooms even if it didn't work out. I knew we could count on you. Was it your first time in a ladies room or are you an old hand at that?
> 
> Edited to add: I wonder why some women had their dresses around their ankles. That's not how women pee. Just what kind of bathroom were you in?



Oh!  It was my first time, Rainy, I swear it! 

Now you have me troubled. Just why did so many of them have their dresses around their ankles? Except for the snoring and the ventilation system it was so quiet in there you could hear a pin drop. What the hell could they all be doing?

Maybe the only people who go into women's restrooms out here in California are guys in drag! The women probably know better and just go outside.


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## Miss Vickie (May 14, 2006)

TraciJo67 said:


> Dear Vickie,
> 
> I have a question of my own: How do you know what 'ass' tastes like, for comparison purposes?



I've been asked this many times, Traci. It's a very good question -- a lot of research, I suppose.  It's kind of hard to describe but, like pornography, you know it when you see it.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 14, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Very tough question, Cousin Wolf. I'm a little confused by it myself.
> 
> When you say, "Hey, no photos!," does that mean you don't want any of us paparrazzi to snap photos of you while you post?
> 
> Or, later in the post you write "no photographer..." Is that a complaint that there's no photographer to take pictures of the storm? Or are you fighting off the paparrazzi again. Or are you COMPLAINING there's no photographer to take pics of you? Or else bemoaning that YOU'RE no photographer and therefore can't take pics of the beautiful storm.


 Well, the lightning made me believe there was a paparazzi, yes.
Later on, I realized it was a thunderstorm and was relieved it was no paparazzi.

Sadly, the storm wasn't that beautiful, just heavy rain and no clear to see lightnings. Elseways, I'd perhaps have tried to get some photos.

The confusion of mine, or better said, the intensity of it, seemed to be related to the storm, for I'm still confused right now,but on a level I'm more used to.


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## Jes (May 15, 2006)

You know, when I read posts like this, one thought comes to mind:

I really do need a better class of (e-) friends.


















Now please excuse me, while I go pee in the kitty litter box.


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## Timberwolf (May 15, 2006)

I confess that I'm still confused. Could someone please help me getting my head together again?



Edit: I'm really confused. This post would sound better on the confession thread, wouldn't it?:doh:


----------



## Jane (May 15, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I confess that I'm still confused. Could someone please help me getting my head together again?
> 
> 
> 
> Edit: I'm really confused. This post would sound better on the confession thread, wouldn't it?:doh:


My favorite line from Moonstruck: SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!


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## Timberwolf (May 15, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I finally found the reason for my confusion.
The teachings of confusious mess up my brain. I'd like to leave them behind, but I'm not strong enough to quit. Do you have any suggestions how I could get rid of them?

Your confused admirer,
Timberwolf.


----------



## Michelle (May 16, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I have a big decision to make in my life very soon. My question to you is, when you have a big decision to make, how do you go about making it?


----------



## Santaclear (May 16, 2006)

I confess that Timberwolf's and Jes's posts above left me even more confused, but I can live with that.


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## Santaclear (May 17, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I have a big decision to make in my life very soon. My question to you is, when you have a big decision to make, how do you go about making it?



Michelle, my guess is you're very good at what you do and you're probably very good at making decisions. And dealing with the consequences as well and righting them if the decision WASN'T good. So I can't even joke about this since I already saw what you wrote on the "Confessions" thread last week. I just want you to make the good decision.


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## rainyday (May 17, 2006)

Michelle, since Anta refused to tell you the secret technique, I will: Eeny, meany, miney, mo. Works at any age.


----------



## swamptoad (May 17, 2006)

Dear Santa,

_Will yo' please accepp wifout obligashun, explicit o' implicit, th' mighty bess wishes fo' an invironmentally cornscious, socially responsible, politically co'reck, low stress, non-addickive, junder neutral, celebrashun of tommo'row's prequel t'merriment? 

Sinsyarly, 

Sploinker, Snoogleblag an' Windslap _


----------



## missaf (May 17, 2006)

My six year old enjoys using the can standing up. He thinks it's funny and convenient! Lately, he's decided that anything that resembles a container with an imaginary target at the bottom is fit for practicing his aim. 

Is this an all-guy thing or unique to just boys?


----------



## Timberwolf (May 17, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Michelle, since Anta refused to tell you the secret technique, I will: Eeny, meany, miney, mo. Works at any age.


I confess that, after reading this, I am considering to buy me an umbrella for my keyboard.


----------



## ripley (May 17, 2006)

Why are there no "B" size batteries?


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## Santaclear (May 17, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Michelle, since Anta refused to tell you the secret technique, I will: Eeny, meany, miney, mo. Works at any age.



I didn't refuse, Rainy. I really didn't know and was hoping Michelle would tell us. She's much smarter than she lets on in her posts, you know. 

Also she started this thread so she's kinda like God, except with more limited powers. Whoever messes with her might end up deleted or get corrupted like an old delinquent file. 

My real answer that I would have said if I wasn't so scared of her? She should put on a private puppet show for herself like I do, just two hand puppets, where she can be both characters and debate all the pros and cons. It's called Puppety Actualization (version 6.2.)


----------



## Santaclear (May 17, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I finally found the reason for my confusion.
> The teachings of confusious mess up my brain. I'd like to leave them behind, but I'm not strong enough to quit. Do you have any suggestions how I could get rid of them?



Have you tried the perplexing teachings of Ignoramus? Or the what-the-hell teachings of Nincompoop? If Confusious confused ya then these guys'll really have you checking your watch and wondering where the time went.

Good luck, Cousin Wolf. :bow:


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## Timberwolf (May 17, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Have you tried the perplexing teachings of Ignoramus? Or the what-the-hell teachings of Nincompoop? If Confusious confused ya then these guys'll really have you checking your watch and wondering where the time went.
> 
> Good luck, Cousin Wolf. :bow:


Interesting reading matter, thanx for sharing. 

:bow: Gesundheit, dear Santa!


----------



## Santaclear (May 17, 2006)

swamptoad said:


> _Will yo' please accepp wifout obligashun, explicit o' implicit, th' mighty bess wishes fo' an invironmentally cornscious, socially responsible, politically co'reck, low stress, non-addickive, junder neutral, celebrashun of tommo'row's prequel t'merriment?
> Sinsyarly,
> Sploinker, Snoogleblag an' Windslap _



Well said, Cousin Toad. It's nice to see young people concerned with helping the invarmint and stuffing the spread of pubic housing while stiffing our elders. Help yourself to a Haagen Dasz bar from the freezer.


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## Santaclear (May 17, 2006)

missaf said:


> My six year old enjoys using the can standing up. He thinks it's funny and convenient! Lately, he's decided that anything that resembles a container with an imaginary target at the bottom is fit for practicing his aim.
> Is this an all-guy thing or unique to just boys?



He's just marking his territory, missaf. All boys and men do it. Once he's left a significant number of "markings" and the territory is fully his you may have to move to another apartment or home.


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## swamptoad (May 17, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Well said, Cousin Toad. It's nice to see young people concerned with helping the invarmint and stuffing the spread of pubic housing while stiffing our elders. Help yourself to a Haagen Dasz bar from the freezer.



Thank yo' so much Santa fo' th' advice. Thet sho'nuff does soun' like a fine thin' t'eat right about now. Some fine ole haajun-daz ice cream, dawgone it. Yum! Fry mah hide!


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## Santaclear (May 17, 2006)

ripley said:


> Why are there no "B" size batteries?



The original "B" size batteries were disasters, Ripley. Nearly every catastrophe of the last century involved them, beginning with the Hindenburg (the batteries caused the hapless zeppelin's gases to ignite), then the bombs dropped on Hiroshima ran on them, then the gun(s) used in the JFK, RFK and MLK assassinations as well as the cameras that recorded them.......all ran on size "B"'s. 

Supposedly "B" size batteries had been the jewels of the Third Reich's crown as well, with Hitler stockpiling nearly two million of them. Finally the space shuttle Challenger accident of 1986, and Bill Clinton had had enough. One of his first acts after being elected was to outlaw the sale and manufacture of all size "B" batteries. :bow: 

*profuse apologies and respect to all vicitims of the above-named disasters* 

I know where you can get some though. PM me for info.


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## Timberwolf (May 17, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The original "B" size batteries were disasters, Ripley. Nearly every catastrophe of the last century involved them, beginning with the Hindenburg (the batteries caused the hapless zeppelin's gases to ignite), then the bombs dropped on Hiroshima ran on them, then the gun(s) used in the JFK, RFK and MLK assassinations as well as the cameras that recorded them.......all ran on size "B"'s.
> 
> Supposedly "B" size batteries had been the jewels of the Third Reich's crown as well, with Hitler stockpiling nearly two million of them. Finally the space shuttle Challenger accident of 1986, and Bill Clinton had had enough. One of his first acts after being elected was to outlaw the sale and manufacture of all size "B" batteries. :bow:
> 
> ...



Wellll, this does explain many issues...
I think I should start searching for hidden "B" - size batteries...

And it opens another question for me...
Are there any "E" - size batteries to be found in history?
(As far as I could find out there are none nowadays...)

(A question between cousins... do you think it would be recommendable to distribute these disastrous energy cells among people?)


----------



## Michelle (May 17, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Michelle, my guess is you're very good at what you do and you're probably very good at making decisions. And dealing with the consequences as well and righting them if the decision WASN'T good. So I can't even joke about this since I already saw what you wrote on the "Confessions" thread last week. I just want you to make the good decision.


Well, arent you a sweetie?  Thanks, Anta.




rainyday said:


> Michelle, since Anta refused to tell you the secret technique, I will: Eeny, meany, miney, mo. Works at any age.





Santaclear said:


> My real answer that I would have said if I wasn't so scared of her? She should put on a private puppet show for herself like I do, just two hand puppets, where she can be both characters and debate all the pros and cons. It's called Puppety Actualization (version 6.2.)


When used together, these two methods are brilliant. The whole experience was mind bending. At one point, I got a little side tracked and the puppets started arguing about quantum theory and I tried to get them to stop but they wouldnt, and so I slapped one across the face to get its attention and it went for my neck. Rather disconcerting, actually, especially when someone walked in my office and found me on the floor with a hand puppet around my neck. I got them broken up, however, and when all was said and done, a decision was sortakinda made.




Santaclear said:


> I didn't refuse, Rainy. I really didn't know and was hoping Michelle would tell us. She's much smarter than she lets on in her posts, you know.


So are you saying I look extremely dumb in my posts???!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!??




Santaclear said:


> Also she started this thread so she's kinda like God, except with more limited powers. Whoever messes with her might end up deleted or get corrupted like an old delinquent file.


 
Im glad you recognize this. Now, if only everyone else would, wed be all set. I could start running that country of mine.




Santaclear said:


> My real answer that I would have said if I wasn't so scared of her?


You must have suspected this would be my next question, so I hope youre prepared to answer. 

WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF ME??? I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I CARRY AN OOZIE AROUND WITH ME OR SOMETHING!!! I DON'T HAVE AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES I HANG OUT WITH!!!! EVEN THOUGH I CARRY THAT BUTCHER KNIFE IN MY PURSE, I'VE NEVER USED IT ON ANYONE!!! I'M JUST A SOFT-SPOKEN, SWEET AND INNOCENT LADY TRYING TO GET ALONG IN THIS WORLD!!!! YOU TALKIN' TO ME???? YOU TALKIN' TO ME???? WELL, WHO THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU TALKIN' TO???? YOU TALKIN' TO ME???? WELL, I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE. WHO THE BLEEP DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKIN' TO????

Thanks, Anta!!


----------



## rainyday (May 17, 2006)

Dear Anta, 

I have this friend I'm a little scared of now. . . .


----------



## Timberwolf (May 17, 2006)

Dear Santa,

right now, I'm thinking about buying an umbrella for my keyboard to protect it from tea showers while I'm reading the posts in this forum.
What kind of umbrella would you recommend? It's a standard sized wireless one with 'qwertz' - layout.


----------



## Jane (May 17, 2006)

<Backing away from Michelle's cubicle.>:shocked:


----------



## Santaclear (May 18, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> And it opens another question for me...
> Are there any "E" - size batteries to be found in history?
> (As far as I could find out there are none nowadays...)



Good question, Cousin Wolf. The "E"-sized batteries were very popular with the dinosaurs, who used them in heating their food. They were originally brought over by the aliens, when first they came here to "seed" our planet.  Today the "E" is still the most popular battery in Hell.



Timberwolf said:


> (A question between cousins... do you think it would be recommendable to distribute these disastrous energy cells among people?)



It's an old saying, but batteries don't kill people, obliterate entire species and ruin environments - people do. Some say they need the batteries for self defense or to protect their freedom. Who are we to argue that? We're simply making these tools of destruction available. It's THEIR choice what they do with them in the long run.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 18, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Good question, Cousin Wolf. The "E"-sized batteries were very popular with the dinosaurs, who used them in heating their food. They were originally brought over by the aliens, when first they came here to "seed" our planet.  Today the "E" is still the most popular battery in Hell.


 I adore your superior research skills. One could think you are a descendant of the aliens.





Santaclear said:


> It's an old saying, but batteries don't kill people, obliterate entire species and ruin environments - people do. Some say they need the batteries for self defense or to protect their freedom. Who are we to argue that? We're simply making these tools of destruction available. It's THEIR choice what they do with them in the long run.


That's a point I hadn't thought about yet. But I must confess that you're right...


----------



## Santaclear (May 18, 2006)

Michelle said:


> So are you saying I look extremely dumb in my posts???!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!??



Nope, no way. You is extreme smart goddess!



Michelle said:


> WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF ME??? I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I CARRY AN OOZIE AROUND WITH ME OR SOMETHING!!! I DON'T HAVE AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES I HANG OUT WITH!!!! EVEN THOUGH I CARRY THAT BUTCHER KNIFE IN MY PURSE, I'VE NEVER USED IT ON ANYONE!!! I'M JUST A SOFT-SPOKEN, SWEET AND INNOCENT LADY TRYING TO GET ALONG IN THIS WORLD!!!! YOU TALKIN' TO ME???? YOU TALKIN' TO ME???? WELL, WHO THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU TALKIN' TO???? YOU TALKIN' TO ME???? WELL, I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE. WHO THE BLEEP DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKIN' TO????



Now put that knife down this INSTANT Michelle!  And tell your zombie pal not to bite on my shoulder! Hmpph! 

Now, WHERE did I ever say I was scared of you? I challenge anyone who ever says that to find even one instance of me admitting I was afraid in print! (Of _course_ I'm scared - who wouldn't be?) Now, let's see if we can work this out like peaceable human beings. *barks over intercom* *"582! To the Lounge! Dear Santa thread!"* 

See, I knew we could discuss this calmly. 

Say, did you used to post here as ScarySweetnInnocentBBW?


----------



## Santaclear (May 18, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I have this friend I'm a little scared of now. . . .



I know, Rainy. It's all right now, I called Security. They took care of her zombie friend and brought her to Hyde Park. Left her to post on one of the "Democrat" threads. She should be OK. It was probably just a bad reaction to medication.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 18, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I know, Rainy. It's all right now, I called Security. They took care of her zombie friend and brought her to Hyde Park. Left her to post on one of the "Democrat" threads. She should be OK. It was probably just a bad reaction to medication.


I hope everything's really OK now. 
I am with deep concern, for I tripped over a security man with the number "582" on his uniform - he was unconsciously lying behind the interesting facts thread. As he woke up, he behaved somewhat zombie - like...


----------



## HailToTheKing (May 18, 2006)

Dear Elvis,

What are the answers to the exam I'm taking tomorrow in compiler design?

HTTK


----------



## Timberwolf (May 18, 2006)

HailToTheKing said:


> Dear Elvis,
> 
> What are the answers to the exam I'm taking tomorrow in compiler design?
> 
> HTTK


A, C, 4, m, A, IOOIIIOI, D, A, home

on behalf of the King,

Timberwolf

PS: this information is supplied without liability


----------



## Jane (May 18, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I hope everything's really OK now.
> I am with deep concern, for I tripped over a security man with the number "582" on his uniform - he was unconsciously lying behind the interesting facts thread. As he woke up, he behaved somewhat zombie - like...


Damn!!!! I HATE it when that happens.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 18, 2006)

Jane said:


> Damn!!!! I HATE it when that happens.


Show me a person that would like a situation like this - except the fugitive, maybe.


----------



## Santaclear (May 19, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I hope everything's really OK now.
> I am with deep concern, for I tripped over a security man with the number "582" on his uniform - he was unconsciously lying behind the interesting facts thread. As he woke up, he behaved somewhat zombie - like...



Thank you, Mr. Wolf. Thanks to your tip we've isolated the contaminated guard in Hyde Park and he's posting now on the "Jewish Media Conspiracy" thread. He won't bother anyone again.

For anyone concerned about Michelle - she's fine now and she'll be back. Turns out it was just something she ate.


----------



## Santaclear (May 19, 2006)

HailToTheKing said:


> Dear Elvis,
> What are the answers to the exam I'm taking tomorrow in compiler design?
> HTTK



Thank you, HTTK.

I have no answers for you but apparently the very wise Timberwolf has provided for your future.

I see you're an Elvis fan so let me instead leave you with a quick, on-the-spot homage to the King:

_Elvis left yesterday
he was in a great hurry
his ass was big
but unfortunately I'm straight._

(chorus) : _Straight, straight!
He says that he's straight!_

Sorry, that's all for right now.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 19, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Thank you, Mr. Wolf. Thanks to your tip we've isolated the contaminated guard in Hyde Park and he's posting now on the "Jewish Media Conspiracy" thread. He won't bother anyone again.
> 
> For anyone concerned about Michelle - she's fine now and she'll be back. Turns out it was just something she ate.


Something she ate? Did she have mushrooms lately?


----------



## Timberwolf (May 21, 2006)

They discovered that an edible mushroom has developed an "evil twin". 
It won't kill you, but it influences the production of stress hormones. You get aggressive, are easy flaring up and have a high propensity to violence.
Right now, they don't know how to help the victims fast, they just arrest them until the hormones are gone again.


----------



## Santaclear (May 21, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> They discovered that an edible mushroom has developed an "evil twin".
> It won't kill you, but it influences the production of stress hormones. You get aggressive, are easy flaring up and have a high propensity to violence.
> Right now, they don't know how to help the victims fast, they just arrest them until the hormones are gone again.



There's a parallel universe directly adjacent to ours. You can feel it just below your tongue.
The mushrooms come from there. It's unclear how the spores escaped into our world. There, the mushrooms are ordinary and are used in food. Here, they cause zombie-like effects that are thankfully temporary.


----------



## Jane (May 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> There's a parallel universe directly adjacent to ours. You can feel it just below your tongue.
> The mushrooms come from there. It's unclear how the spores escaped into our world. There, the mushrooms are ordinary and are used in food. Here, they cause zombie-like effects that are thankfully temporary.


I checked snopes on that, www.snopes.mushrooms....what a load of bullshit.com It's an email that's been circulating the internet for a while, especially in mushrooming communities.

It's from earwax, not under the tongue.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> There's a parallel universe directly adjacent to ours. You can feel it just below your tongue.
> The mushrooms come from there. It's unclear how the spores escaped into our world. There, the mushrooms are ordinary and are used in food. Here, they cause zombie-like effects that are thankfully temporary.


Well, actually, I didn't think of the intoxicated security guard - I thought of Michelle as I mentioned the mushrooms. I had heard of these parallel-universe mushrooms before, they have been the reason for many zombie-stories. But these newly discovered mushrooms seem to be a mutation. Their effects also seem to be temporary, but the experts are not sure. This case is just too new.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 21, 2006)

Jane said:


> I checked snopes on that, www.snopes.mushrooms....what a load of bullshit.com It's an email that's been circulating the internet for a while, especially in mushrooming communities.
> 
> It's from earwax, not under the tongue.


There are different universes.


----------



## Michelle (May 21, 2006)

*scratching head*

I feel like someone's talking about me. Ever get that feeling? My palm is itchy. Isn't that a sign?

ANYWAY - 

Dear Anta:

Can you please explain to me the significance of plamatadortiouscridopterous hassenfefferdulticamoricate? I've always wanted to know and when I googled it, nothing came up.  

Thanks!


----------



## Timberwolf (May 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> *scratching head*
> 
> I feel like someone's talking about me. Ever get that feeling? My palm is itchy. Isn't that a sign?


Welcome back, Michelle! How do you feel?


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## Michelle (May 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> _Elvis left yesterday_
> _he was in a great hurry_
> _his ass was big_
> _but unfortunately I'm straight._
> ...


 
This song is AWESOME! I've always loved it. Here's a verse you left out.

_(2nd verse)_
_Anta's straight, yes he's straight._
_There's no discounting that._
_But he's trouble, also trouble._
_That ain't no untrue crap._

(chorus)
_Straight, straight!_
_He says that he's straight!_

Maybe someone around here can remember the third verse. I'm singing the second verse too much to remember the third.


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## rainyday (May 21, 2006)

I've heard the words before, Michelle, but they were all mumbled, so I couldn't catch them.

Dear Anta,

I need a Phillips screwdriver to put something together. I have at least seven of them in the house, but I can't find any of them. This happens with a lot of other stuff too. For instance, my watch fell off somewhere in the house last week and now I can't find it either. Should I be worried that this means anything?


----------



## Michelle (May 21, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Welcome back, Michelle! How do you feel?


 
I feel quite good, actually, Mr. Wolf. Thanks for asking! I had a fuzzy time this week where I sorta recall getting a little out of sorts. It coulda been a dream. Actually, had to go to my doctor's and get some earwax removed from under my tongue and that made everything so much better!!


----------



## Jane (May 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I feel quite good, actually, Mr. Wolf. Thanks for asking! I had a fuzzy time this week where I sorta recall getting a little out of sorts. It coulda been a dream. Actually, had to go to my doctor's and get some earwax removed from under my tongue and that made everything so much better!!


Damn that earwax straight to hell!!!!!


----------



## Timberwolf (May 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I feel quite good, actually, Mr. Wolf. Thanks for asking! I had a fuzzy time this week where I sorta recall getting a little out of sorts. It coulda been a dream. Actually, had to go to my doctor's and get some earwax removed from under my tongue and that made everything so much better!!


Earwax under your tongue? Fascinating, really fascinating...
This would explain a lot...


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## rainyday (May 21, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Earwax under your tongue? Fascinating, really fascinating...
> This would explain a lot...



I agree. Clearly this means Michelle has a hirstute tongue but should opt for shaving over waxing.


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## Michelle (May 22, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I agree. Clearly this means Michelle has a hirstute tongue but should opt for shaving over waxing.


 
You know, Rainy, when I first read this, I laughed and went about my business. Then for some reason, I came back and re-read it and got to thinking about what it would be like to have a hairy tongue and the more I thought about it, the grosser it got. I got so grossed out, I started gagging to the point I actually threw up. I had to calm myself down and get my mind on something else. Over thinking something like this isn't such a good thing. Are you happy with yourself? HUH???!?!?!?!  Man - a hairy tongue. That's one of the grossest things I can think of. I can't even deal with a stray hair in the bottom of the bathtub! Ick ick ick ick ick ick.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 22, 2006)

Michelle said:


> You know, Rainy, when I first read this, I laughed and went about my business. Then for some reason, I came back and re-read it and got to thinking about what it would be like to have a hairy tongue and the more I thought about it, the grosser it got. I got so grossed out, I started gagging to the point I actually threw up. I had to calm myself down and get my mind on something else. Over thinking something like this isn't such a good thing. Are you happy with yourself? HUH???!?!?!?!  Man - a hairy tongue. That's one of the grossest things I can think of. I can't even deal with a stray hair in the bottom of the bathtub! Ick ick ick ick ick ick.


Say, Michelle, did you have mushrooms lately?


----------



## rainyday (May 22, 2006)

Michelle said:


> You know, Rainy, when I first read this, I laughed and went about my business. Then for some reason, I came back and re-read it and got to thinking about what it would be like to have a hairy tongue and the more I thought about it, the grosser it got. I got so grossed out, I started gagging to the point I actually threw up. I had to calm myself down and get my mind on something else. Over thinking something like this isn't such a good thing. Are you happy with yourself? HUH???!?!?!?!  Man - a hairy tongue. That's one of the grossest things I can think of. I can't even deal with a stray hair in the bottom of the bathtub! Ick ick ick ick ick ick.



LOL. I should have known it would send you off on an tangent. I would have thought though that my typo (the extra "t" in hirsute") would have been at least a momentary diversion.

I think this may be the first time I've ever had to say this to someone, but I'm sorry I made you barf. Fortunately though, that reminded me of another good question to ask Anta.


----------



## rainyday (May 22, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Why does seeing someone else barf always make me gag too? Odiferous barf is especially problematic, even if it's cat barf.

P.S. I wish you'd been around when I was learning about sex stuff as a kid. You're much better at explaining stuff than the health class teacher was.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 23, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> Why does seeing someone else barf always make me gag too? Odiferous barf is especially problematic, even if it's cat barf.



Dear Santa,

what does this "barf" that rainyday uses, mean?
To me, it sounds like the sound I produce if I try to bark with my mouth full...

Hope you can help me,

The wolf from outer space.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Well, actually, I didn't think of the intoxicated security guard - I thought of Michelle as I mentioned the mushrooms. I had heard of these parallel-universe mushrooms before, they have been the reason for many zombie-stories. But these newly discovered mushrooms seem to be a mutation. Their effects also seem to be temporary, but the experts are not sure. This case is just too new.



I DID mean Michelle. With her zombie guard friend all frothing at mouth, all bitey and zombie-like we were too distracted at the time to notice Michelle's own zombiesque behavior before it was too late. 

Thankfully that's all in the past now and she's resting quietly after her triumphant showdown with FatLane in the Clubhouse.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Jane said:


> I checked snopes on that, www.snopes.mushrooms....what a load of bullshit.com It's an email that's been circulating the internet for a while, especially in mushrooming communities.
> 
> It's from earwax, not under the tongue.



Thing about these aliens is their sense of humor. Who would've thought after all this time they could be such kidders? Sure, the earwax mushroom suppository zombie behavioral-shortcircuit prank is FUNNY. But try explaining that to the victims' families.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Can you please explain to me the significance of plamatadortiouscridopterous hassenfefferdulticamoricate? I've always wanted to know and when I googled it, nothing came up.



Sure, Michelle! After the freffenhoppen begin to coagulate, the next layer wants to dry into a thick shellac-like substance called *plamatador ferrospeculativesulphunuate*. To prevent this unwieldy process *fefferdultic amoricate* is applied liberally to the outer doors, which prevents drying of the lateral whattayalookinat sheebatindoramus.

Not the best solution, granted, but a very popular one.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Michelle said:


> This song is AWESOME! I've always loved it. Here's a verse you left out.
> 
> _(2nd verse)_
> _Anta's straight, yes he's straight._
> ...



What a great tune, Michelle!  And I really enjoyed your rendering of it. :bow: 

I heard that Elvis himself was working up an arrangement for it around the time of his death. The plan was for him to sing "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall" backed by the Grateful Dead and include this song during the middle "jam" part, with Farrah Fawcett as the Acid Queen.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I agree. Clearly this means Michelle has a hirstute tongue but should opt for shaving over waxing.





rainyday said:


> LOL. I should have known it would send you off on an tangent. I would have thought though that my typo (the extra "t" in hirsute") would have been at least a momentary diversion.



I wondered, too, about that extra "t" and what it might mean. I'll content myself tho with mental images of Michelle trying to groom herself with a tongue that has very long wet fur hanging off of it.  :eat2:


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Why does seeing someone else barf always make me gag too? Odiferous barf is especially problematic, even if it's cat barf.



Barf, Rainy, is a holistic substance, meaning one world: one barf. The barf in you wants to "join" with the other barf and upon seeing or smelling it you have this primal urge. Cats are our ancestors too (as has been proven in Jewish lore) so that desire for oneness with the beloved pet is an even harder one to lick. 

I say go ahead and join in. Just don't expect us to help clean up since most of us are anonymous clowns from the Web.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I came back and re-read it and got to thinking about what it would be like to have a hairy tongue and the more I thought about it, the grosser it got. I got so grossed out, I started gagging to the point I actually threw up. I had to calm myself down and get my mind on something else. Over thinking something like this isn't such a good thing. Are you happy with yourself? HUH???!?!?!?!  Man - a hairy tongue. That's one of the grossest things I can think of. I can't even deal with a stray hair in the bottom of the bathtub! Ick ick ick ick ick ick.



Welcome back, Michelle.  Glad you're feeling better.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 24, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I DID mean Michelle. With her zombie guard friend all frothing at mouth, all bitey and zombie-like we were too distracted at the time to notice Michelle's own zombiesque behavior before it was too late.
> 
> Thankfully that's all in the past now and she's resting quietly after her triumphant showdown with FatLane in the Clubhouse.


Well, I hope so...
Forgive me, but I didn't care much about the zombie, for it wouldn't have been able to do anybody any real harm. OK, the gnawing might have hurt a bit, but that's all you could have expected from it. No infection, nothing.
So I was able to observe Michelle closely. And after talking to experts about the effects of these new mushrooms, I belive that Michelle must have gotten in contact with the _fungus aggrozombiekissus_. 
This mushroom has two main effects: 
The first is the earlier described aggressive behaviour. The best way to cure the infected would be to stimulate the production of positive hormones (like make someone feel happy or s.th. like that) . Not so easy if you got someone aggressively waving with a knife in front of you, I think.
The second effect is that the infected gets a poisoned kiss, that first anaesthetizes their victims before they get zombie-like followers of the infected (think of the security guard). These are mostly harmless and a nice shower will cure them.


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> what does this "barf" that rainyday uses, mean?
> To me, it sounds like the sound I produce if I try to bark with my mouth full...
> 
> The wolf from outer space.



You've more or less hit upon it, Cousin Spacewolf. Barking with your mouth full can induce barfing, and if not the mess is fairly similar anyway. Barf is nothing more than puke or vomit dressed up for company. "Losing one's lunch," "tossing your cookies" or "worshipping the porcelain god"......these are all euphemisms for this very American (think Hollywood and TV) pastime.
Rainyday does not use barf that much. At least that's my understanding.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 24, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> You've more or less hit upon it, Cousin Spacewolf. Barking with your mouth full can induce barfing, and if not the mess is fairly similar anyway. Barf is nothing more than puke or vomit dressed up for company. "Losing one's lunch," "tossing your cookies" or "worshipping the porcelain god"......these are all euphemisms for this very American (think Hollywood and TV) pastime.
> Rainyday does not use barf that much. At least that's my understanding.


Usually I succeed to keep the contents of my mouth while barking, but now I understand. Once more, I had guessed right, but I feel better being sure about it. Thanx. :bow:


----------



## Santaclear (May 24, 2006)

Just a note before I get ready for bed (and I'll have to get back to you later on these, Timberwolf, as it's late.)

All these posts about barf do NOT signal a new stage for the thread or trend for the forum in any way. We do not want this thread to become a free-for-all of puking or barfing or a barf-and-leave kinda thing as the constant cleaning up would just get to be too much. Moderation is the key. Thanks.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 24, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Just a note before I get ready for bed (and I'll have to get back to you later on these, Timberwolf, as it's late.)
> 
> All these posts about barf do NOT signal a new stage for the thread or trend for the forum in any way. We do not want this thread to become a free-for-all of puking or barfing or a barf-and-leave kinda thing as the constant cleaning up would just get to be too much. Moderation is the key. Thanks.


I'll keep an eye when I'm around...:shocked:


----------



## Michelle (May 25, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Sure, Michelle! After the freffenhoppen begin to coagulate, the next layer wants to dry into a thick shellac-like substance called *plamatador ferrospeculativesulphunuate*. To prevent this unwieldy process *fefferdultic amoricate* is applied liberally to the outer doors, which prevents drying of the lateral whattayalookinat sheebatindoramus. Not the best solution, granted, but a very popular one.


 
Oh my gosh!!! I had no idea!!! Well, now I'm more impressed that I thought I was before I ever thought about it and after I did think about it and way after your explanation, Anta. This is deep stuff. How on earth did you find this out???


----------



## Michelle (May 25, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Just a note before I get ready for bed (and I'll have to get back to you later on these, Timberwolf, as it's late.)
> 
> All these posts about barf do NOT signal a new stage for the thread or trend for the forum in any way. We do not want this thread to become a free-for-all of puking or barfing or a barf-and-leave kinda thing as the constant cleaning up would just get to be too much. Moderation is the key. Thanks.


 
I'm so glad you're keeping the vimiting to a minimum here, Anta. It'd get to be too much for me if I had to navigate these threads in rubber hip waders. I'm so proud. I knew my initial faith in you would return a hundred fold and this post proves it. You're a natural leader, Anta. Now for my next question.

Dear Anta:

My bird Nigel knows how to do the wolf whistle and sing the first verse of "Ring Around The Rosies" (albeit, he leaves off hte last note, is a little out of tune and his phrasing is all wrong). My question to you is, how do I effectively teach him Dexter Gordon's rendition of "Fried Bananas"?

Thanks!


----------



## EvilPrincess (May 25, 2006)

Dear Santa, 

In the middle of all of the vomiting talk, I was reminded of a question that I needed to ask...

I dearly love Mangos-, my last meal will include a mango (you know that last meal on death row I am destined to be on for my sheer lack of respect for stupid people but I digress). Back to the mangos- I really really love them. Unfortunately my mother never showed me the proper way to peel and eat them. I can't seem to figure it out. That darn pit is huge and I can't ever tell where it is. Once I do get it open, I end up with the most incredible mess. Today in preparation for enjoying a little after dinner mango goodness, I placed a very large beach towel on the floor. It did not help. There are now mango innards all over the kitchen. Please Help me. (I think I might also need a painter for the kitchen now, any guidance will be gladly accepted.)


In search of a mango fix
EP


----------



## rainyday (May 25, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Barf, Rainy, is a holistic substance, meaning one world: one barf. The barf in you wants to "join" with the other barf and upon seeing or smelling it you have this primal urge.



Wow, Anta. It never occurred to me that barf was a follower and needed to be with its own kind. I'm still pondering that two days after I read it. One more day and then I think I'll be done.

And EP, a mango came in my organic produce box this week and I had about as much success trying to peel it this morning as you did with yours. It was perfectly ripe, but they're so much easier to cut up when when there not quite ready to eat. I should have tried the beach towel trick instead of just placing a cat below the counter to catch the drips. I'll await Anta's answer with equally bated breath. (Not to be confused with baited breath, of course.)


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## Santaclear (May 28, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I need a Phillips screwdriver to put something together. I have at least seven of them in the house, but I can't find any of them. This happens with a lot of other stuff too. For instance, my watch fell off somewhere in the house last week and now I can't find it either. Should I be worried that this means anything?



For god sakes, Rainy! I just now noticed this post and I hope you're OK!  

Are all surfaces in the house level? Check them, including tables and countertops, for levelness and slipperiness before it's too late! You probably live in a pretty old Victorian. Think, before any more sloping or loss occurs: does each room have a drain in the center of the floor or maybe in the corners? If so, *check the drains* 'cos there might be a LOTTA stuff in there! Whatever you do, don't slide in!


----------



## Santaclear (May 28, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Oh my gosh!!! I had no idea!!! This is deep stuff. How on earth did you find this out???



Actually I found it right here in the "Insanity In Government" thread over at Hyde Park. 



 Michelle said:


> I'm so glad you're keeping the vimiting to a minimum here, Anta.



Yes, Michelle. The vimiting is good.  

Um, does "vimiting" mean vomiting with....you know, vim and vigor?



Michelle said:


> My bird Nigel knows how to do the wolf whistle and sing the first verse of "Ring Around The Rosies" (albeit, he leaves off hte last note, is a little out of tune and his phrasing is all wrong). My question to you is, how do I effectively teach him Dexter Gordon's rendition of "Fried Bananas"?



Damn! It's tough teaching that bird to swing! :doh:  

If I remember correctly, "Fried Bananas" has kind of a calypso beat. So put on one of those frayed straw hats you see guys wearing on the covers of Calypso albums. Dance around the bird and go "toot, toot, toot!" You know what I mean and the bird will too. Each time he gets a note right you can give him a little spoonful of raspberry sherbet. Birds like sherbet. It might take many years.


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## Santaclear (May 28, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> In the middle of all of the vomiting talk, I was reminded of a question that I needed to ask...
> I dearly love Mangos-, my last meal will include a mango (you know that last meal on death row I am destined to be on for my sheer lack of respect for stupid people but I digress). Back to the mangos- I really really love them. Unfortunately my mother never showed me the proper way to peel and eat them. I can't seem to figure it out. That darn pit is huge and I can't ever tell where it is. Once I do get it open, I end up with the most incredible mess. Today in preparation for enjoying a little after dinner mango goodness, I placed a very large beach towel on the floor. It did not help. There are now mango innards all over the kitchen. Please Help me. (I think I might also need a painter for the kitchen now, any guidance will be gladly accepted.)



Hi Princess, 

You don't have to be on Death Row to enjoy one of their meals. 

I actually started eating mangos only recently myself and I love 'em too. Yeah, they're messy. So far I haven't had the nerve to eat one plain - I've had 'em is with muesli (cereal I've been eating lately,) cut one up (peel included, seems good to me, I dunno) on a big plate and add some trail mix. The pit is big and strange! That beach towel sounds like overkill. There are many kinds of mangos ya know. Have you been buying the exploding ones? Either wear a raincoat or buy a less volatile variety.

You can probably find a painter at Hyde Park. There are many jobless there, wandering around looking for work.


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## Timberwolf (May 28, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> In the middle of all of the vomiting talk, I was reminded of a question that I needed to ask...
> 
> ...


Dear EP,

maybe I can help you with your mangos. Just put them into the freezer for an hour before peeling them. This makes them a little bit firmer and easier to cut. In hot summers you could eat them directly without completely thawing them - really refreshing! They're thawing rather quickly, though.
If this method doesn't siut you, I only can repeat Santa's advice - cover your kitchen with some plastic film and dress yourself in a raincoat...

Hoping Santa forgives me my intervention,

Timberwolf


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## Jane (May 29, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hi Princess,
> 
> You don't have to be on Death Row to enjoy one of their meals.
> 
> ...


Oh, the old Exploding Mango bit.


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## EvilPrincess (May 29, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hi Princess,
> 
> You don't have to be on Death Row to enjoy one of their meals.
> 
> ...


 
Thank You Santa, 

I plan on having a talk with the produce manager at the local grocery. I am positive that he has been stocking the exploding variety. I just don't trust him anymore. 

As for the suggestion about a painter, I don't know if that is a good place to go. Hyde Park is scary, and even if I did hire someone from there, would they actually work or just post all day?

Graciously
EP


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## Michelle (May 29, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I bought some fade cream today because I have this little bitty spot on my hand I want to go away. So I got it out and was looking at it and a thought came to mind. Do you think if I rubbed fade cream on other things, they'd disappear? Here are some examples:

1) bills
2) lima beans
3) my boss
4) Hummers
5) my ugly box of kleenex that i feel sorry for

Any advice you can give would be appreciated! Thanks!


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## Santaclear (May 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I bought some fade cream today because I have this little bitty spot on my hand I want to go away. So I got it out and was looking at it and a thought came to mind. Do you think if I rubbed fade cream on other things, they'd disappear? Here are some examples:
> 
> 1) bills
> 2) lima beans
> ...



These sound like very good ideas, Michelle, except for the Hummers 'cos that'll be too much steel for the cream to cut through. Remember though that you're gonna have to LOB the cream on these things, just globs and globs of it all over, so it'll take a LOT of cream to get the jobs done.

Especially on your boss. I recommend a fifty gallon tub of the cream for him at least. Spread the cream evenly on him, be sure to cover the eyes and mouth. He won't like it, you know. He might try to fight but just keep spreading the cream. If you stop in the middle, run out of cream or have a change of heart he'll just be a writhing, decomposing blob of pink and grey and violet and yellow and blue bubbling-up fleshy stuff (I've seen this before) on the floor still trying to talk, gurgling, maybe with glasses on top (or a suit if he wears one.) No one wants that. :doh: So remember to finish the job once you start it. Good luck!


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## rainyday (May 30, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> For god sakes, Rainy! I just now noticed this post and I hope you're OK!
> 
> Are all surfaces in the house level? Check them, including tables and countertops, for levelness and slipperiness before it's too late! You probably live in a pretty old Victorian. Think, before any more sloping or loss occurs: does each room have a drain in the center of the floor or maybe in the corners? If so, *check the drains* 'cos there might be a LOTTA stuff in there! Whatever you do, don't slide in!



Dear Anta:

1 ice pick
2 red rubber noses
352 M&Ms
4 Malasian coins
A pocket watch that runs backward
Assorted toe nails and teeth
Every cat toy my cats have lost for the past 3 years

This is what I found when I lifted the living room carpet today. I didn't even know I had a drain. Or an ice pick. Tomorrow I'm lifting the rugs in all the rooms. Even the closets. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. All I wanted was one--ONE--screwdriver. Now I will dream about what comes up through the drains.

P.S. I notice you never confess anything over on the confessions thread. Does this mean you have no secrets at all?


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## rainyday (May 30, 2006)

P.S. to Michelle
For really big objects I bet you could load up a paintsick with the cream and cover a lot of square footage fast. Just please don't use this idea on Fatlane when you're fighting him in the Clubhouse or he'll retaliate on me. If he finds an antidote.


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## rainyday (May 30, 2006)

malaysian. I love you Em, but the anal part of me could strangle you for getting our editing functions taken away!


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## Santaclear (May 31, 2006)

rainyday said:


> 1 ice pick
> 2 red rubber noses
> 352 M&Ms
> 4 Malasian coins
> ...



Some great finds, Rainy. You can really put away the M&Ms! That watch sounds cool and the rubber noses'll (I like typing "noses'll") come in handy this Christmas.

I was mainly concerned that the floors of the house might be sloping more than, say, 45 degrees and you might slide out or down. But that's not the case and I'm glad you're OK. Guess you'll have to buy another screwdriver. Maybe the cats are eating or selling them.


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## Michelle (May 31, 2006)

rainyday said:


> P.S. to Michelle
> For really big objects I bet you could load up a paintsick with the cream and cover a lot of square footage fast. Just please don't use this idea on Fatlane when you're fighting him in the Clubhouse or he'll retaliate on me. If he finds an antidote.


 
Rainy, you're almost as much of a genius as Anta!! Thank you for the idea. And as far as Flatline goes, I'll take care of him for you. You don't have to worry about him. My plan is almost ready to set in motion.


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## Michelle (May 31, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Especially on your boss. I recommend a fifty gallon tub of the cream for him at least. Spread the cream evenly on him, be sure to cover the eyes and mouth. He won't like it, you know. He might try to fight but just keep spreading the cream. If you stop in the middle, run out of cream or have a change of heart he'll just be a writhing, decomposing blob of pink and grey and violet and yellow and blue bubbling-up fleshy stuff (I've seen this before) on the floor still trying to talk, gurgling, maybe with glasses on top (or a suit if he wears one.) No one wants that. :doh: So remember to finish the job once you start it. Good luck!


 
Hmm. What makes you think my boss is a "him", Anta??


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## Michelle (May 31, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hey, I'm cute too but don't wanna be.  Please help.


 
Dear Anta:

Since you've been so good to me and have answered so many of my burning questions, I'm going to help you as much as I can.

So you don't want to be cute? Well, here's what you do. You go buy some of that fade cream, but you use just a little bit around your eyes. You'll soon start to see the skin fade and your eyeballs will look like they're coming out of their sockets (like a zombie). Then you rub it on certain other areas of your body to get that warm, rotting zombie glow. 

After that, buy some clothes from Goodwill and sort of burn them, tear them up and stomp them into some really greasy stuff. Put the clothes on and rub the fade cream where there are holes, so your internal organs sorta show through. This is the next fashion craze, by the way. Nobody knows it yet, is all, so you'll be a fashion avant garde guy.

The next step is to buy a bottle of MD 20/20 and sorta pour it all over yourself and gargle with some too. When you've used it up, you might want to break the bottle so that there are jagged edges and cut your face just a little so there is some blood running down it. For now, you're gonna smell pretty bad. This is the time to do it, because in the future, MD 20/20 is going to be a hot selling quantity in the perfume market.

Then, practice how to walk like a drunk, zombie-like person. It will take some time, but I think I know you well enough from your posts that you'll be able to do it in no time. After you've practiced walking, try practicing some zombie dancing too. I really like the mambo, but you can choose whatever you'd like. Alternate between walking and dancing and you'll have it perfected in no time.

NEXT - and this is the test - go out into a crowded plaza dressed as I've discussed. Stagger around a bit and then dance some, all the while making gutteral sounds (I forgot to tell you to practice the gutteral sounds but I have this feeling you'll be a natural at them).

I'll just BET if you follow my instructions to the letter, no one will approach you. In fact, I'll just bet everyone will stay way, far away from you. You might get some taunts, but I'm willing to bet you'll see more people running in the opposite direction. And I think what you'll hear more than anything from everyone is, "BOY OH BOY - that guy is REALLY NOT CUTE."

When you're all done, you should look like a combination of the guys below.

If this doesn't work, let me know and I'll fill you in on Plan B.

Yours, 

Michelle


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## Santaclear (May 31, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Hmm. What makes you think my boss is a "him", Anta??



I WASN'T sure, Michelle. I just took a guess.

Management guys look good writhing around on the floor, decomposing with their glasses/suit kinda on top of them, don't you think?


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## Santaclear (Jun 2, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> I plan on having a talk with the produce manager at the local grocery. I am positive that he has been stocking the exploding variety. I just don't trust him anymore.
> As for the suggestion about a painter, I don't know if that is a good place to go. Hyde Park is scary, and even if I did hire someone from there, would they actually work or just post all day?



These produce managers are such pranksters, Princess. You'd think just by putting that weird pit in the mangos they'd get their jollies but no. 

You're probably right about Hyde Park. I heard a horror story yesterday about one respected poster who tried hiring a couple of those clowns. Turns out, instead of fixing her porch they were inviting other HP posters over for "lively debate" that instead turned into a Jerry Springeresque free-for-all which ended with one woman's liver draped over the bannister. Cops were called but the guy who came turned out to be another poster and entered with guns blazing. :doh: 

So for kitchen painters try the classifieds, local bulletin boards or Craig's List. Good luck, EvilPrincess!


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## Michelle (Jun 4, 2006)

Dear Anta:

In another post on this board, I called you a hornbate. I don't know what that means. Could you please tell me? I can't find it in my dictionary. 

Thank you very much.


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## Timberwolf (Jun 4, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> These produce managers are such pranksters, Princess. You'd think just by putting that weird pit in the mangos they'd get their jollies but no.
> 
> You're probably right about Hyde Park. I heard a horror story yesterday about one respected poster who tried hiring a couple of those clowns. Turns out, instead of fixing her porch they were inviting other HP posters over for "lively debate" that instead turned into a Jerry Springeresque free-for-all which ended with one woman's liver draped over the bannister. Cops were called but the guy who came turned out to be another poster and entered with guns blazing. :doh:
> 
> So for kitchen painters try the classifieds, local bulletin boards or Craig's List. Good luck, EvilPrincess!


Hearing this, I know just a little more why I try to avoid Hyde Park.
I've heard that this park was named after Mr. Hyde, the monstrous alter ego of Dr. Jekyll. Is that true?


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## swamptoad (Jun 5, 2006)

Dear Santaclear (yo' mighty he'pful kind juntleman)

Ah need some advice quick, ah reckon, as enny fool kin plainly see...

Kin yo' advise me?

Wal yo' see....ah was runnin'.. no walkin' into th' deep fo'est
... Ezekiel, take thet back. Shet mah mouth!. ah was sneakin' *fo'git* gimme a second, cuss it all t' tarnation..it was shiny i knows thet much "DUH! Fry mah hide!" 

An' then menny of them, dawgone it..sech fine fellas an' gals...they fell all on over th' place..please i doesn't be hankerin' ketchup... this hyar was shockin'...no wait it warn't shockin' i knowed it was gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see..

No geo'ge knowed it was a-gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see..

i be hankerin' chocolate..

an' ennyhow th' whole banana tasted ho'rid! 

Fry mah hide! 

An' one of them snot-nose boogers got away...fricken punky brewsters i tell ya! Fry mah hide! Chattanoogaie sar it on tape... 

How is th' bess way t'run like lightnin'whe yo' git scared of th' boogeyman an' th' cheetos is all stuck t'th' flore an' they all laugh yo' ennyways?

Thanks a bunch ah reckon!

Yourn Truly, 

Cousin Toad

p.s. *cuss it all t' tarnation*


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## Santaclear (Jun 7, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Hey, I'm cute too but don't wanna be. Please help.





Michelle said:


> So you don't want to be cute? Well, here's what you do. You go buy some of that fade cream, but you use just a little bit around your eyes. You'll soon start to see the skin fade and your eyeballs will look like they're coming out of their sockets (like a zombie). Then you rub it on certain other areas of your body to get that warm, rotting zombie glow.
> After that, buy some clothes from Goodwill and sort of burn them, tear them up and stomp them into some really greasy stuff. Put the clothes on and rub the fade cream where there are holes, so your internal organs sorta show through. This is the next fashion craze, by the way. Nobody knows it yet, is all, so you'll be a fashion avant garde guy.
> The next step is to buy a bottle of MD 20/20 and sorta pour it all over yourself and gargle with some too. When you've used it up, you might want to break the bottle so that there are jagged edges and cut your face just a little so there is some blood running down it. For now, you're gonna smell pretty bad. This is the time to do it, because in the future, MD 20/20 is going to be a hot selling quantity in the perfume market.
> Then, practice how to walk like a drunk, zombie-like person. It will take some time, but I think I know you well enough from your posts that you'll be able to do it in no time. After you've practiced walking, try practicing some zombie dancing too. I really like the mambo, but you can choose whatever you'd like. Alternate between walking and dancing and you'll have it perfected in no time.
> ...



Thanks a lot, Michelle. I must say that cream really scares me. I've been doing all the other stuff you talked about tho for 30 years, and I've had the WALK down since I was 10.

Seriously not many 50 year old guys wanna be called "cute" and the search for lost cuteness gets more pathetic with each prostate exam. Still, there's nothing like being told you're cute by one who cares. In this case it was me who cared, enough to lie that I was cute in the CurvyEm thread you quoted from.  

An aside on the vomiting: People, if you must vomit please do it off to the sides of the thread only (either side's fine) so as to provide a clear lane for posters. Thanks. (Also thanks to Mr. Wolf for keeping watch) :bow:


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## Santaclear (Jun 7, 2006)

Michelle said:


> In another post on this board, I called you a hornbate. I don't know what that means. Could you please tell me? I can't find it in my dictionary.



I googled and got these: *Did you mean: hornbake *

*Did you mean to search for: hornbake*

Michelle, I'm at a loss. Never in my time at Dimensions have I come across a more vexing term. One that paints so many with such a broad brush, so darkly and yes, sloppily. 

Hornbate means horny but celibate.


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## Santaclear (Jun 7, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Hearing this, I know just a little more why I try to avoid Hyde Park.
> I've heard that this park was named after Mr. Hyde, the monstrous alter ego of Dr. Jekyll. Is that true?



Yes, Cousin Spacewolf, you're quite right. It was originally named Jekyll Park but later got taken over by his alter ego Hyde, who was banned just over 2,000 years ago but keeps returning to post under different names.


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## Santaclear (Jun 7, 2006)

swamptoad said:


> Wal yo' see....ah was runnin'.. no walkin' into th' deep fo'est
> ... Ezekiel, take thet back. Shet mah mouth!. ah was sneakin' *fo'git* gimme a second, cuss it all t' tarnation..it was shiny i knows thet much "DUH! Fry mah hide!"
> An' then menny of them, dawgone it..sech fine fellas an' gals...they fell all on over th' place..please i doesn't be hankerin' ketchup... this hyar was shockin'...no wait it warn't shockin' i knowed it was gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see..
> No geo'ge knowed it was a-gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see..
> ...



Perplexing tale, Cousin Toad. :bow: I'll do what I can with it.

I believe the shiny object you saw was either a knife or - get ready for this - a UFO. As for the nice folk you saw staggering around all covered in ketchup? They either came from the UFO (which could've just crashed) or else the shiny object was an airplane or car. Maybe they were shooting a "snuff" po'nography film. Or else just college kids out for a good time. Why'd they give you a banana? I'm not surprised it tasted bad!

Cheetos or not, I would've run like hell, straight outta thar. Good thing you're OK. Help yourself to a Haagen Dasz bar from the freezer if you like, there's chocolate in thar.


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## swamptoad (Jun 8, 2006)

Santaclear,

Wal ah suppose thet i might as fine thanks a lot. 

ah reckon ah might've had a bad dream, dawgone it. Pa told me not t'eat enny shrooms while ah was choppin' down firewood, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah's still afraid of tomaters, though. Them thin's make ketchup which i doesn't haf a hankerin' fo' ennymo'e on account o' mah bad dream, dawgone it. 

Chester th' cheetah, he's alright though.

Thanks agin. Yourn truly, Cousin Toad, --- "cuss it all t' tarnation."


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## Santaclear (Jun 9, 2006)

swamptoad said:


> Wal ah suppose thet i might as fine thanks a lot.
> ah reckon ah might've had a bad dream, dawgone it. Pa told me not t'eat enny shrooms while ah was choppin' down firewood, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah's still afraid of tomaters, though. Them thin's make ketchup which i doesn't haf a hankerin' fo' ennymo'e on account o' mah bad dream, dawgone it.
> Chester th' cheetah, he's alright though.
> Thanks agin. Yourn truly, Cousin Toad, --- "cuss it all t' tarnation."



I'm glad yer backin' with us, Cousin Toad. I've long wheeled angst the evils and veils of forest drugs and the mortgage they close in our veiny sole. Not to mention disco to our loved ones. Also in the log range, I've heard they can cause birth ducks (which can be pretty darned cute, actually.) 

Still, no taters in the hanky. We're glad you're back and soon we'll be watching the cheetahs breed and play.


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## swamptoad (Jun 9, 2006)

Dear Anta, 

It's quite triflin' thet in th' midst of some upsettin' jargon thet ah delve in th' realm of sech unfo'titude. Th' can'o' of igno'ant buffoons plays upon mah noggin, no doubt. ah can assure, nontheless an' nonethemost thet hencefo'th an' notwifstan'in'ontopofmahhaid thet cheerios is a part of our balanced bustfast. Now, whar did thet dest bunny hop off to? 

Confoozin'ly Yourn, Cousin Toad


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## Santaclear (Jun 9, 2006)

swamptoad said:


> It's quite triflin' thet in th' midst of some upsettin' jargon thet ah delve in th' realm of sech unfo'titude. Th' can'o' of igno'ant buffoons plays upon mah noggin, no doubt. ah can assure, nontheless an' nonethemost thet hencefo'th an' notwifstan'in'ontopofmahhaid thet cheerios is a part of our balanced bustfast. Now, whar did thet dest bunny hop off to?



Don't allow the truffles to upset you, my young friend. Where there's manure there are usually animals of some kind - that I can assure you. Here's wishing you, Mr. Toad, (and at my behest) a most pleasant bustfest and well balanced load a' da lawndoormat.


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## Timberwolf (Jun 11, 2006)

Dear Santa,

how would you call it if things that usually don't happen, even considered not possible to be happening, are just happening when you're around?

Your limping friend

Timberwolf


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## Santaclear (Jun 11, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> how would you call it if things that usually don't happen, even considered not possible to be happening, are just happening when you're around?
> Your limping friend
> Timberwolf



Sounds unusual, Senor Wolf, but can you be more specific? And why are you limping?


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## Timberwolf (Jun 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Sounds unusual, Senor Wolf, but can you be more specific? And why are you limping?


 Uhm, it seems like a cupboard fell on *one* of my toes although it was standing on the ground (the cupboard). No lifting or carrying it involved. It just tipped over. I'm still a little frightened when I have to take something out of it:


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## Santaclear (Jun 11, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Uhm, it seems like a cupboard fell on *one* of my toes although it was standing on the ground (the cupboard). No lifting or carrying it involved. It just tipped over. I'm still a little frightened when I have to take something out of it:



Not sure if I understand but I probably do. Maybe we're having a language difficulty? 
Below is a pic of a cupboard I found on the web. The pic even has a title, "Woman sticking note on cupboard." Usually these things (cupboards) are stuck up on the wall in a kitchen, pantry or utility room and they have doors on the front and you keep things inside such as food, utensils or tools. Is that what you mean, and you had one sitting on the ground? And it tipped over, hitting one of your toes?


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## Santaclear (Jun 11, 2006)

:doh: Dammit, forgot to attach this racy cupboard pic, entitled "Woman sticking note on cupboard." Enjoy (if possible.) 

View attachment cupboard.jpeg


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## Timberwolf (Jun 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Not sure if I understand but I probably do. Maybe we're having a language difficulty?
> Below is a pic of a cupboard I found on the web. The pic even has a title, "Woman sticking note on cupboard." Usually these things (cupboards) are stuck up on the wall in a kitchen, pantry or utility room and they have doors on the front and you keep things inside such as food, utensils or tools. Is that what you mean, and you had one sitting on the ground? And it tipped over, hitting one of your toes?


It is indeed a language difficulty. Although the picture didn't show, your description was clear enough to make me see. I attached a picture of the cupboard/closet that tipped over. It is one with drawers, which all the sudden came popping out, causing the tipping. 

View attachment cupboard.jpg


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## Santaclear (Jun 11, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> how would you call it if things that usually don't happen, even considered not possible to be happening, are just happening when you're around?
> Your limping friend





Timberwolf said:


> It is indeed a language difficulty. Although the picture didn't show, your description was clear enough to make me see. I attached a picture of the cupboard/closet that tipped over. It is one with drawers, which all the sudden came popping out, causing the tipping.



Thanks for the clarification. I'm not sure what I'd call that thing. Maybe "small metal chest with drawers" (It _is_ metal, right? Looks it.) but cupboard works fine. So are you saying that this thing was on a level floor and you weren't even touching it when the drawers suddenly popped out, tipping it over onto your toe?


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## Timberwolf (Jun 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> So are you saying that this thing was on a level floor and you weren't even touching it when the drawers suddenly popped out, tipping it over onto your toe?


Oops, little misunderstanding (once again...). Such high level impossibilities wouldn't even happen to me (I hope...).
I use this thing to store plates and flatware in it. And at the time it happened, I was putting some flatware into the upper drawer. Something I have been doing quite often before. But this time, all the sudden the two other drawers (the big ones, filled with plates and pans and so on) came rolling out, tipping over the cupboard.
BTW, the things standing on it in the picture are always standing there... 



Santaclear said:


> I'm not sure what I'd call that thing. Maybe "small metal chest with drawers" (It _is_ metal, right? Looks it.) but cupboard works fine.


 No, it's made of something wooden. You could buy these things at IKEA over here...


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## Santaclear (Jun 16, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> how would you call it if things that usually don't happen, even considered not possible to be happening, are just happening when you're around?
> 
> Your limping friend
> 
> Timberwolf



So to return to your original question, Mr. Wolf, I would call it uncanny, unusual, confusing, eerie and mondo-vexing. You're lucky THIS didn't happen to you though. (Here I post a stolen photograph of zombies kindly furnished by Michelle.) 

NOTE: THIS IS A RAW, COMPLETELY UNDOCTORED PHOTOGRAPH OF ACTUAL ZOMBIES. 

View attachment zombies2.jpg


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## Timberwolf (Jun 16, 2006)

Yikes!!! :shocked:
(Thank goodness my mind is strong enough to keep my body from barfing...)
#Note to self: Don't watch zombiepics while having lunch...#


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## rainyday (Jun 16, 2006)

Again a barf reference. We all sort of seem to be fixated. Spooky!
.
.

Dear Anta,

How do I make my cats follow me instead of trying to be the leader. Wherever I go in the house, at least one of them wants to go too. Only they don't know where I'm headed, so what they do is walk in front of me and try to guess my moves--usually, just close enough so that I almost walk on them. Or when they can't figure out my plan, they just stop right in my path like they're waiting for me to put on a blinker and tell them which way I'm turning. Sometimes I even try to fake them out--pretend I'm walking to the bathroom, then turn quick and walk to the kitchen so that they have to race ahead to get back in front of me. (I'm mean that way.)

How can I make them understand *I'm* the leader and they're supposed to *follow* me. I dunno, maybe they think they're psychic cats or something and should be able to guess where I'm going. Clearly they're not very good at it.


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## Timberwolf (Jun 17, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Again a barf reference. We all sort of seem to be fixated. Spooky!


Yeah, somehow spooky... That confuses me a bit... I didn't notice us entering the Spooky Zone... Wondering if Santa did notice it...


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## Jane (Jun 17, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Again a barf reference. We all sort of seem to be fixated. Spooky!
> .
> .
> 
> ...


You want some one to tell you how to Herd Cats? Good luck.


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## Rainahblue (Jun 17, 2006)

Dear Santa,
How can I adore Coldplay and find them incredibly annoying at the same time? I'm listening to "Fix You" now if that helps.
Thanks!
Rain​


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## Santaclear (Jun 21, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Again a barf reference. We all sort of seem to be fixated. Spooky!



I _know!_ Something about barf is just mystical and, you know, kinda almost _spiritual!_ *cues down New Age music* Barf is you. Barf is me. Barf is Timberwolf and Michelle and Conrad and Vince and Judge Dredd and Jes and the Zitkuses and... (Sorry, guys.) It brings us together. *Cues up hip hop beat and Santaclear begins to sing. Luckily we fade to black for a commercial*



rainyday said:


> How do I make my cats follow me instead of trying to be the leader. Wherever I go in the house, at least one of them wants to go too. Only they don't know where I'm headed, so what they do is walk in front of me and try to guess my moves--usually, just close enough so that I almost walk on them. Or when they can't figure out my plan, they just stop right in my path like they're waiting for me to put on a blinker and tell them which way I'm turning. Sometimes I even try to fake them out--pretend I'm walking to the bathroom, then turn quick and walk to the kitchen so that they have to race ahead to get back in front of me. (I'm mean that way.)
> How can I make them understand *I'm* the leader and they're supposed to *follow* me. I dunno, maybe they think they're psychic cats or something and should be able to guess where I'm going. Clearly they're not very good at it.



We have to MAKE this happen for you, Rainy, 'cos the mental image I have of you walking around the house, maybe marching a little or on weekends wearing a special Follow the Leader hat followed by those cats all in a line is so darned cute. (I used to do the same thing with faking them out.)

But what to do? The blinker idea doesn't sound too crazy. Maybe steal a traffic light? (I didn't say that, Judge Dredd!) Or hand signals but most cats tend to just look at the hand and not where it's pointing. You probably already tried yelling, right? What about putting their food bowl down beforehand where you plan to walk? Oh wait, then they'll walk in front of you.

I'm stumped. But I promise we'll find an answer before this thread is done with.


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## Santaclear (Jun 21, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Yeah, somehow spooky... That confuses me a bit... I didn't notice us entering the Spooky Zone... Wondering if Santa did notice it...



It's eerie. As always, I feel TRANSFIXED by the myriad, shifting ever-changing psychedelic colors and eerie entrancing kaleidescopic deja vu of the um, barf.


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## Santaclear (Jun 21, 2006)

Jane said:


> You want some one to tell you how to Herd Cats? Good luck.



You're forgetting, Jane, that cats are essentially herding animals and at one time (many thousands of years ago) ruled the Great Plains.

I remember very vividly from history class the stories of the first Native Americans who came here and encountered (what they thought were) these great beasts. How they'd hear the hooves thundering on the Earth in the distance, even FEEL it as the vibrations seemed to carry and the very land seemed to be shaking. How they'd hear the "meowing" and that howling as the herd gets ever closer.....

Finally the herd would get there, raising up all this dust ahead of them and they'd see it was like, CATS or something! Maybe 500 or a thousand of them and all the Native Americans would be going WHAT THE FUCK!? :shocked: :doh:

I tell you, it must have been something to behold. Evolution and global warming have changed these animals into the pets we know today but I think Rainy will be able to awaken their more primal nature. It will just take time.


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## Michelle (Jun 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I _know!_ Something about barf is just mystical and, you know, kinda almost _spiritual!_ *cues down New Age music* Barf is you. Barf is me. Barf is Timberwolf and Michelle and Conrad and Vince and Judge Dredd and Jes and the Zitkuses and... (Sorry, guys.) It brings us together. *Cues up hip hop beat and Santaclear begins to sing. Luckily we fade to black for a commercial*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
I have an idea how to get cats to follow you I think may work!!!!

I think what you need to do is get one of those "away from home" feeders. Do you know what I'm talking about? Those things that you fill up with a bag of food and they're made out of aluminum or something and then the food dribbles out as it is used. 

Well, you get one of those and you modify it so that the food dribbles out one kibble at a time automatically. You probably will have to do some welding on it so you'll have to buy a welding thingie and the gloves and face covering and apron and stuff to do this, but it will be well worth it.

Anyway, you weld a dispenser handle to the feeder so that it comes waaay around and is like one of those pull down levers on a slot machine. You also weld some fasteners to it too and then you buy one of those harnesses that holds parachutes on soldiers and you strap it to the fasteners on the feeding container. This way, you can strap the whole unit to your back and the lever will come around in front of you.

SO - you fill up the container (by now it's getting pretty heavy - maybe a hundred pounds or so, but most people should be able to handle that amount of weight if the back is supporting it). Anyway, THEN you wear it out and about because you want to make sure that when you come home, it's all strapped on and ready. 

So you unlock your door and your cats are going crazy doing cat things, and you start walking backwards and pulling the lever a couple of times to drop the kibble. That will stop them in their tracks long enough that you can leap over them in get in front of them to start dropping the kibble. They'll stay behind you because they'll want to eat the kibble (you don't feed them ever except through this machine so they'll be REALLY hungry).

How's that sound?????

p.s. The kibble dropper can double as other things too, by the way. Painted correctly and dressed in cabbage patch kids clothes, it could look like a papoose and start up some genuinely lively conversation when you're out and about. There's probably some sexual things you could do with it too, but I have no idea what those would be. Maybe Anta could answer that part.


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## Michelle (Jun 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I _know!_ Something about barf is just mystical and, you know, kinda almost _spiritual!_ *cues down New Age music* Barf is you. Barf is me. Barf is Timberwolf and Michelle and Conrad and Vince and Judge Dredd and Jes and the Zitkuses and... (Sorry, guys.) It brings us together. *Cues up hip hop beat and Santaclear begins to sing. Luckily we fade to black for a commercial*


 
Excuse me?????? I am barf?????? I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. ANTA MCBARFITUDE, BUT I AM NOT BARF AND I RESENT YOUR IMPLICATION!!!!!!!!!

(cool poem other than that)


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## Santaclear (Jun 21, 2006)

Rainahblue said:


> How can I adore Coldplay and find them incredibly annoying at the same time? I'm listening to "Fix You" now if that helps.​



I hardly know ColdPlay, Rainah. I put on whatever their current CD was at the record store I work at a year and a half ago, just to hear what they sound like and it seemed to make the customers (most of whom are over 40) nervous. It felt oppressive to me too after a while so I took it off after 20 minutes. I'd give 'em another chance tho (the group, not the customers.)

A lot of pop music is like that with that love it/horribly annoying thing. What's annoying about them? Why do you adore 'em? (I'm more interested in what about it annoys you, since it's pop.)


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## Santaclear (Jun 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Excuse me?????? I am barf?????? I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. ANTA MCBARFITUDE, BUT I AM NOT BARF AND I RESENT YOUR IMPLICATION!!!!!!!!!
> 
> (cool poem other than that)



It was a typo, Michelle. None of those names were supposed to be in there. Sorry.


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## Michelle (Jun 21, 2006)

WAIT!!!!!! Anta, don't answer the sexual things you can do with the kibble dribble feeder. That will make this thread have an X rating and it might be moved to that awful Hyde Park and get lost among George Bush and Philly Cheesesteaks!!!!!


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## Santaclear (Jun 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I have an idea how to get cats to follow you I think may work!!!!
> I think what you need to do is get one of those "away from home" feeders. Do you know what I'm talking about? Those things that you fill up with a bag of food and they're made out of aluminum or something and then the food dribbles out as it is used.
> Well, you get one of those and you modify it so that the food dribbles out one kibble at a time automatically. You probably will have to do some welding on it so you'll have to buy a welding thingie and the gloves and face covering and apron and stuff to do this, but it will be well worth it.
> Anyway, you weld a dispenser handle to the feeder so that it comes waaay around and is like one of those pull down levers on a slot machine. You also weld some fasteners to it too and then you buy one of those harnesses that holds parachutes on soldiers and you strap it to the fasteners on the feeding container. This way, you can strap the whole unit to your back and the lever will come around in front of you.
> ...



Man! What a great idea, Michelle! I think it _just might work!!!!_   

Carrying around that hundred pound kibble-dropper thing when she's out and about might be a little too hot and sweaty for Rainy so maybe she should get a van or pickup or something where she could leave it while she does her errands and stuff. I loved the part about the cats going crazy doing cat things when she unlocks the door. As for the sexual side, I'm pm-ing some of the Paysite girls now with this Kibble Dropping BBW idea and maybe we can get a photo set or two out of it.


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## Michelle (Jun 21, 2006)

Kibble Dribble Dropper Popper - that's going to be the trademarked name for this feeder, I believe, unless someone can come up with something better.

And taking it off in the van - well, that sorta defeats the purpose of a conversation starter, doesn't it? Ya gotta wear it OUT to start conversation about papooses and stuff.

I want Rainy to be the model when I start to market this. I'll need a partner or two and some ideas for ads. Gosh, my brain is working overtime now. I might make a million on this!!!!!!


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## Timberwolf (Jun 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I _know!_ Something about barf is just mystical and, you know, kinda almost _spiritual!_ *cues down New Age music* Barf is you. Barf is me. Barf is Timberwolf and Michelle and Conrad and Vince and Judge Dredd and Jes and the Zitkuses and... (Sorry, guys.) It brings us together. *Cues up hip hop beat and Santaclear begins to sing.*


*Listens to Santa's barf - HipHop and starts to dance... 

an ancient barf dance...

that shows surprisingly many similarities to the modern HipHop dance style.*​


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## Michelle (Jun 21, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I have not posted a question to you in way too long because my mind hasn't been as curious as it normally is, mostly because I've been over-worked and busy with other things and it leaves so much less time to ask questions but I dreamed something last night that made me realize it was time, so here goes.

Is it possible to chew seeds in your mouth to the point that it will warm your mouth up so much that it will sprout the seeds and grow wheat on your tongue?

p.s. I also wanted to comment on your post to Jane about the cat herds on the open plains. I was very impressed and could picture it from your words. You are a fantabatulousational writer. :wubu: :shocked:  :bow:  Did you know that? (I put all those icons there because I want to be just like you.)


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## Santaclear (Jun 23, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Is it possible to chew seeds in your mouth to the point that it will warm your mouth up so much that it will sprout the seeds and grow wheat on your tongue?



 Yes, Michelle, and that is why eating in general is so risky. In the case of wheat it can take root not only in the mouth and on the tongue but throughout the entire digestive canal. 

Let's not forget the bizarre, heartbreaking case of Jeb "Wheat Ass" Dooley, an Oklahoma farm boy in the 1940s. Poor Jeb had the problem, first with the wheat growing on his tongue but his family was poor and uneducated and a local preacher convinced the parents not to harvest the wheat or uproot it, that the wheat growing out of the kid's mouth was a sign from Jesus and they should leave it be. Soon Wheat Ass had made the preacher famous and rich but by then the chaff was um, sprouting from his ass thick and proud, and the preacher high-tailed it to Hollywood and bigger glory, leaving Wheat Ass and his folks high and dry.  

So be careful how you chew, everyone. Especially when you're eating seeds but each food has it's own danger. Don't chew too fast or too slowly. Always make even and deliberate motions with the jaws to let the food know you're not fooling around. 

(P.S. Thanks for the compliment, Michelle!)  :wubu:


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## Timberwolf (Jun 24, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Yes, Michelle, and that is why eating in general is so risky. In the case of wheat it can take root not only in the mouth and on the tongue but throughout the entire digestive canal.
> 
> Let's not forget the bizarre, heartbreaking case of Jeb "Wheat Ass" Dooley, an Oklahoma farm boy in the 1940s. Poor Jeb had the problem, first with the wheat growing on his tongue but his family was poor and uneducated and a local preacher convinced the parents not to harvest the wheat or uproot it, that the wheat growing out of the kid's mouth was a sign from Jesus and they should leave it be. Soon Wheat Ass had made the preacher famous and rich but by then the chaff was um, sprouting from his ass thick and proud, and the preacher high-tailed it to Hollywood and bigger glory, leaving Wheat Ass and his folks high and dry.
> 
> ...


:shocked:Now I know why I prefer my bread generally toasted/grilled... :shocked:

:bow: Thanks, Santa! :bow:​


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## Jane (Jun 24, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> 
> I have not posted a question to you in way too long because my mind hasn't been as curious as it normally is, mostly because I've been over-worked and busy with other things and it leaves so much less time to ask questions but I dreamed something last night that made me realize it was time, so here goes.
> 
> ...


Daddy, tell me the story about the cat herds again. I never get tired of that one.


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## rainyday (Jun 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Man! What a great idea, Michelle! I think it _just might work!!!!_
> 
> Carrying around that hundred pound kibble-dropper thing when she's out and about might be a little too hot and sweaty for Rainy so maybe she should get a van or pickup or something where she could leave it while she does her errands and stuff. I loved the part about the cats going crazy doing cat things when she unlocks the door. As for the sexual side, I'm pm-ing some of the Paysite girls now with this Kibble Dropping BBW idea and maybe we can get a photo set or two out of it.



Dear Anta,

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am writing this to you from bed now that the bandages are off my hands (from where I burned them with the welding torch Michelle suggested). I tried her idea. I carry a few hundred extra pounds every day so I thought strapping on the feeder would e easy. When I put it on though, the whole thing kind of tipped me backward with my eyes looking up at the ceiling when I walked, so I didnt see the cat that was in front of me (apparently he wasnt hungry) and I tripped on him. Luckily he survived. I woke up three days later though, laying in the hallway under the 100-lb feed container. Unfortunately when I fell, I snapped off the mechanism that released food, so no food had been coming out. The cats got very hungry and ate whatever they could find instead. Its hard to see with half my face chewed off, but Im making it work.


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## Santaclear (Jun 28, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am writing this to you from bed now that the bandages are off my hands (from where I burned them with the welding torch Michelle suggested). I tried her idea. I carry a few hundred extra pounds every day so I thought strapping on the feeder would e easy. When I put it on though, the whole thing kind of tipped me backward with my eyes looking up at the ceiling when I walked, so I didnt see the cat that was in front of me (apparently he wasnt hungry) and I tripped on him. Luckily he survived. I woke up three days later though, laying in the hallway under the 100-lb feed container. Unfortunately when I fell, I snapped off the mechanism that released food, so no food had been coming out. The cats got very hungry and ate whatever they could find instead. Its hard to see with half my face chewed off, but Im making it work.



What an _incredibly_ wrenching, heart-rending story, Rainy! After reading that I really felt my very innards (especially my heart) had been pulled out, sliced up and microwaved in a very large sort of burrito to be fed to these pets. You know what I mean?

On a purely selfish note, with half your face chewed off (and you were quite cute, I must say) this pretty much blows my plans for starting a paysite featuring you, Michelle and Jamie with me as the Svengali weasel in the background, at least for the time being. What the hell am I gonna do now?

You must be in so much pain, Rainy, so I won't keep you long. But I hafta say that you're one of the most respected posters at Dimensions. Yet you made your post of distress over THIRTY HOURS AGO and not ONE of these supposedly sensitive, caring clowns has seen fit to post their condolences or wish you and your pets well! Like a school of heartless salmon they swim by, while Rainy lies, forgotten, her face getting chewed off by well-meaning pets. Even Conrad has remained oddly mute in the face of this.

What kind of message does this send to the size acceptance community? Will new posters be scared away when they see this thread?

Perhaps it's the timing. Maybe no one posted 'cos they're all excited about HappyFatChick's "Apology" thread or still exhuberant over the "Philly CheeseSteak" pile-up, I dunno. I do know one thing: this is not the end. Your heartbreaking story is gonna be an inspiration to many.


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## Timberwolf (Jun 28, 2006)

*still speechless*


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## Michelle (Jun 30, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am writing this to you from bed now that the bandages are off my hands (from where I burned them with the welding torch Michelle suggested). I tried her idea. I carry a few hundred extra pounds every day so I thought strapping on the feeder would e easy. When I put it on though, the whole thing kind of tipped me backward with my eyes looking up at the ceiling when I walked, so I didnt see the cat that was in front of me (apparently he wasnt hungry) and I tripped on him. Luckily he survived. I woke up three days later though, laying in the hallway under the 100-lb feed container. Unfortunately when I fell, I snapped off the mechanism that released food, so no food had been coming out. The cats got very hungry and ate whatever they could find instead. Its hard to see with half my face chewed off, but Im making it work.


 
I think you might be able to make some special glasses to allow you to see better with half of your face chewed off. I believe you would need to get a little tiny mirror that would reflect the things that your chewed off eye would normally see and reflect that image into your good eye. It'll be a little confusing because the image will be kind of stereo-confusing but you'll get used to it and adjust like people adjust to bifocals. 

I would also suggest a mask to cover the chewed off part of your face. That way there is less of a chance that people will vomit on you.


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## FreeThinker (Jun 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> That way there is less of a chance that people will vomit on you.


It always comes back to _that_, somehow...



.


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## Timberwolf (Jul 1, 2006)

No vomiting in this room, please. If it should be necessary, please use the Windows. Thank you.


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## Michelle (Jul 1, 2006)

Dear Anta:

Seeing how quickly Timby and Free jumped into the vomit parade, it made me think of a question.

Are there vomit fetishists out there? Could Timby and Free be vomit fetishists? If there are vomit fetishists, what do they do with it? Do vomit fetishists have a hankering for particular types of vomit or will any old vomit suffice?

Any answers you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Edited to add: I thought of one more question. If there are vomit fetishists out there, is there a way we could market this and make some money?


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## Timberwolf (Jul 1, 2006)

I don't know if there are vomit fetishists out there... The only thing I'm sure of is that I am _not_ one... Eeew!


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## FreeThinker (Jul 2, 2006)

Vomit is not a fetish. It is a preference (royalties to Fatlane).

Actually, yuck.



.


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## Timberwolf (Jul 2, 2006)

The more I think about this topic, the more I'm sure there will be some guys with this, uhm, preference. Just like these peeing etc. preferrers... Yuck...
*fading slightly to green*


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## Santaclear (Jul 2, 2006)

I understand your concerns, Cousin Wolf and Brother Free. Reading the posts on this thread requires that you have a very strong constitution. So many of the posts have been heartbreaking, gut-wrenching or just plain _eewww._ 

We've seen betrayal, injury, fashion (both high and low), zombie attacks and much more. Friendships have been made and just yesterday, in fact, a baby was born on page two of the thread. No one's telling who the parents are but the baby is healthy and nine pounds.  

In the end I believe this will all help make us stronger.


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## Timberwolf (Jul 2, 2006)

Hey, that sounds like some real good news!
Congrats to the parents, whoever you are!

Uhm, any pics of the little fellow/fella to be shown?


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## Santaclear (Jul 9, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I think you might be able to make some special glasses to allow you to see better with half of your face chewed off. I believe you would need to get a little tiny mirror that would reflect the things that your chewed off eye would normally see and reflect that image into your good eye. It'll be a little confusing because the image will be kind of stereo-confusing but you'll get used to it and adjust like people adjust to bifocals.
> I would also suggest a mask to cover the chewed off part of your face. That way there is less of a chance that people will vomit on you.



Good ideas all of these, Michelle, and I applaud your level-headedness in this situation. 

But I have to remind you, Rainy got herself in this mess by following your (admittedly well meaning) advice on your Kibble Dribble Dropper Popper, which turned out to be just another one of your hare brained schemes. While she was lying there on her floor, alone in the world except for her beloved pets who, practically blind with hunger were chewing half her face off, were you posting to her? Was I? No, we were not. We were off living our own lives and I was probably being a hornbate somewhere. So perhaps dispensing more advice on this half-a-face thing and the long road back is not yet appropriate. Her scabs probably haven't even all dried. It's called sensitivity. 

The No Vomit mask is a great idea though and the tiny eye mirror sounds really cool.


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## Santaclear (Jul 9, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Seeing how quickly Timby and Free jumped into the vomit parade, it made me think of a question.
> Are there vomit fetishists out there? Could Timby and Free be vomit fetishists? If there are vomit fetishists, what do they do with it? Do vomit fetishists have a hankering for particular types of vomit or will any old vomit suffice?
> Any answers you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
> Edited to add: I thought of one more question. If there are vomit fetishists out there, is there a way we could market this and make some money?



Great question, Michelle. Well, Timby and Free have answered but I for one hope they don't slip while marching. Wishing you sure footing, fellas!  

I've long been fascinated with this rich, often colorful preference, though I choose to remain on the sidelines rather than immerse myself in it. I can tell you there are PLENTY of fetishists out there, and the things they do with it would curl this board. Indeed, there are hankerings and longings. Many yearn for certain textures and such. Others are just barf whores though and any old will do.

How to make a bundle at it? Probably illegal to ship. Certainly rubber clothing, ladles, rubber floor mats and such could be marketed as accessories but OTOH some fetishists would WANT clothing and areas to get ruined by it to make the experience "hotter." More research is needed.


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## Santaclear (Jul 9, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Hey, that sounds like some real good news!
> Congrats to the parents, whoever you are!
> Uhm, any pics of the little fellow/fella to be shown?



Thanks for helping out with your windows suggestion above, Cousin Wolf!

Yes, I do have a pic of the baby. However he/she or it unfortunately escaped after the pic was taken (at five days old) and is still at large. Please be cautious and stay in your homes. There is no reason for panic. I assure you the police, medical, and military sectors are doing everything in their power to keep the public safe and bring this child to justice. 

View attachment c46cea66.jpg


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## Timberwolf (Jul 13, 2006)

I saw a roadkill yesterday that reminded me of this, uhm, child... RIP...


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## Santaclear (Jul 19, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I saw a roadkill yesterday that reminded me of this, uhm, child... RIP...



That's no way to talk about my son, Timberwolf! 

Yes, I am the child's father.  

Sure, I did a lot of hallucinogens in the '70s, maybe more than my share. 
Still, how was I to know the child would turn out this way? *shakes fist at the sky* : 

Say what you will, but he's my boy and I love him. He's the only son I've got. If the police and military authorities find him, I promise to keep him locked up so tight he'll never harm anyone or destroy property ever again.


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## Timberwolf (Jul 19, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> That's no way to talk about my son, Timberwolf!
> 
> Yes, I am the child's father.
> 
> ...


My apologies...

But to be honest, I fear it could be getting a little difficult to catch him...
Just a day ago, I once again drove along that road... You won't believe what I saw... There were several of these guys, the biggest one about twenty feet long... 

Tomorrow, I'll be driving along there once more. I'll report you what is going on there...


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## Timberwolf (Jul 20, 2006)

Wow. Seems like they're growing really fast... And, right now, they're moving. No clue what they're up to...


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## Santaclear (Jul 21, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Wow. Seems like they're growing really fast... And, right now, they're moving. No clue what they're up to...



Probably building a giant hive.


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## Timberwolf (Jul 21, 2006)

By the way... I found a source for the word barf!


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## EvilPrincess (Jul 21, 2006)

Dear All,

Enough with the Giant Clam, it scares me. 


Sincerely, 

EP


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## Timberwolf (Jul 21, 2006)

Uhm...





*BOO!

*


Thanks. :bow:​


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## Michelle (Jul 21, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Dear All,
> 
> Enough with the Giant Clam, it scares me.
> 
> ...


 
Aw, EP, don't be scared. It's just a fascist plot by Anta. You'll be just fine. Ask him another question and distract him. He'll forget all about it. If that doesn't work, pretend the clam is a wormhole to paradise and think of Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate Dibs. Your fear will disappear.


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## Michelle (Jul 21, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Probably building a giant hive.


 
Speaking of giant hives ....


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## rainyday (Jul 21, 2006)

Michelle, Michelle. We :wubu: EP. Stop trying to scare her away. 

[size=-2]Stupid semi-related story:
I had almost that exact same rash on my legs once. One morning my honey and I were in the bathroom doing the morning rituals. "What's that on your leg?" he says? I look down--there's a large splotch of that rash, only mine had one small ring inside a larger one. "OMG, I have ringworm!" I say. I look panicky. He looks panicky. I rush to the computer to Google ringworm images. We look at the pictures. We look at my leg. Damn if it doesn't look exactly the same! We both shiver. An hour later when I start to call the doctor and look down at my leg to describe the circle, it's gone. Miracle cure? No. Just prior to spotting it on my leg I'd been sitting at the bathroom counter with my legs pressing into the ringed knobs on the cupboard and it left an impression. Or so we finally figured out. What a couple of doofs.  [/size]


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## EvilPrincess (Jul 21, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Michelle, Michelle. We :wubu: EP. Stop trying to scare her away.
> 
> [SIZE=-2] [/SIZE]


 
Thank you <sniff, snuffle, one last tear>.......


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## Michelle (Jul 22, 2006)

Rainy, I've always, always admired you becuase of your brains. Your story below only goes to prove how many brain cells you actually have! If you didn't have the number you do, it could have been a totally different outcome! Maybe you wouldn't have realized you didn't actually have ringworm and you could have put ringworm medicine on that would have eaten through your skin (since there was no ringworm there) and you would have ended up resembling a zombie. And since zombies are so disgusting, you may have vomited and ended up choking to death. WoW!!!!! You saved yourself!!!!! Once again, genuisosity in action!!!!!

Do ringworms look like Anta's baby?



rainyday said:


> Michelle, Michelle. We :wubu: EP. Stop trying to scare her away.
> 
> [SIZE=-2]Stupid semi-related story:
> I had almost that exact same rash on my legs once. One morning my honey and I were in the bathroom doing the morning rituals. "What's that on your leg?" he says? I look down--there's a large splotch of that rash, only mine had one small ring inside a larger one. "OMG, I have ringworm!" I say. I look panicky. He looks panicky. I rush to the computer to Google ringworm images. We look at the pictures. We look at my leg. Damn if it doesn't look exactly the same! We both shiver. An hour later when I start to call the doctor and look down at my leg to describe the circle, it's gone. Miracle cure? No. Just prior to spotting it on my leg I'd been sitting at the bathroom counter with my legs pressing into the ringed knobs on the cupboard and it left an impression. Or so we finally figured out. What a couple of doofs.  [/SIZE]


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## Santaclear (Jul 24, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> By the way... I found a source for the word barf!



Do tell, Cousin Wolf. What is the source? 

BTW this _thread_ is by now an excellent source for the word "barf," as well as for other words of the barf family.


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## Santaclear (Jul 24, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Dear All,
> Enough with the Giant Clam, it scares me.
> Sincerely,
> EP



Thank you, Ms. P. For the purposes of this thread it's not really a giant clam but rather my newborn son, horribly deformed as a result of my experiments with hallucinogens in the early '70s, who has escaped and is being sought by police, medical and military authorities. 

Cousin Wolf reports sighting the boy in the idyllic German countryside setting, burrowing a new home with his kind. Do not panic, and hopefully that is the last we'll be hearing of this terrifying family matter. :bow:


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## Santaclear (Jul 24, 2006)

You probably think this is all very amusing, young lady. 



Michelle said:


> Speaking of giant hives ....


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## Santaclear (Jul 25, 2006)

rainyday said:


> [size=-2]I look down--there's a large splotch of that rash, only mine had one small ring inside a larger one. "OMG, I have ringworm!" I say. I look panicky. He looks panicky. I rush to the computer to Google ringworm images. We look at the pictures. We look at my leg. Damn if it doesn't look exactly the same! We both shiver. An hour later when I start to call the doctor and look down at my leg to describe the circle, it's gone. Miracle cure? No. Just prior to spotting it on my leg I'd been sitting at the bathroom counter with my legs pressing into the ringed knobs on the cupboard and it left an impression. Or so we finally figured out. What a couple of doofs.  [/size]



I'm still not convinced the strange impressions aren't ringworm, Rainy. Have you tried "I Can't Believe It's Not Ringworm!"  cream on it yet?


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## Timberwolf (Jul 25, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Thank you, Ms. P. For the purposes of this thread it's not really a giant clam but rather my newborn son, horribly deformed as a result of my experiments with hallucinogens in the early '70s, who has escaped and is being sought by police, medical and military authorities.
> 
> Cousin Wolf reports sighting the boy in the idyllic German countryside setting, burrowing a new home with his kind. Do not panic, and hopefully that is the last we'll be hearing of this terrifying family matter. :bow:


I fear he's on the way back to his father... He and his gang just entered a freight plane heading for New York... about 60 feet long...
To be honest, I wish I had better news for you, dear Santa...

(The Deutsche Bahn is using the trackmarks your son left in the ground to build a new high-speed railroad track...)


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## Santaclear (Jul 27, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I fear he's on the way back to his father... He and his gang just entered a freight plane heading for New York... about 60 feet long...
> To be honest, I wish I had better news for you, dear Santa...
> 
> (The Deutsche Bahn is using the trackmarks your son left in the ground to build a new high-speed railroad track...)



That's my boy, takes right after his dad!  And only at only two weeks old! Whaddaya mean better news? That's GREAT news! My boy's comin' home!

Um, when you said "60 feet long," did you mean that's the length of the plane? Or that's how long the snake things are?


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## Timberwolf (Jul 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> That's my boy, takes right after his dad!  And only at only two weeks old! Whaddaya mean better news? That's GREAT news! My boy's comin' home!
> 
> Um, when you said "60 feet long," did you mean that's the length of the plane? Or that's how long the snake things are?


I meant the entire length of your son... And don't forget, he's not alone...


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## Timberwolf (Jul 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Do tell, Cousin Wolf. What is the source?


It's a movie...



Mel Brook's "Spaceballs":

There is a mawg (some sources say "mog") with the name Barfolomew, AKA "*Barf*"

A mawg/mog is a man/dog hybrid. And his own best friend...


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## Santaclear (Aug 2, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Dear All,
> Enough with the Giant Clam, it scares me.
> Sincerely,
> EP





Michelle said:


> Aw, EP, don't be scared. It's just a fascist plot by Anta. You'll be just fine. Ask him another question and distract him. He'll forget all about it. If that doesn't work, pretend the clam is a wormhole to paradise and think of Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate Dibs. Your fear will disappear.



EP, because of my deep respect for you I've refrained from posting any more pictures of that thing, and I hope Michelle's words have soothed you and quelled your fears.

But you have to remember, at least for the purposes of this thread, that thing is my SON, dammit! :shocked: And as we all know, blood ties are some of the hardest to break. (Also on a side note, I don't much cotton to you referring to my boy as a "Giant Clam." Just sayin'.)  

Anyway, I'm very proud of that boy as any father would be. Right now he and his awesomely long (60 feet!) horrifying oozing cronies are on an incredibly slow (only 4 MPH! My boy picked a solar powered plane) cargo plane back from Germany. When they get here I'll have to put them up, I guess, probably outside somewhere.


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## EvilPrincess (Aug 2, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> EP, because of my deep respect for you I've refrained from posting any more pictures of that thing, and I hope Michelle's words have soothed you and quelled your fears..


 
I have been liberally applying Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate Dibs whenever I am frightened. Michele's advice is working. 



Santaclear said:


> But you have to remember, at least for the purposes of this thread, that thing is my SON, dammit! :shocked: And as we all know, blood ties are some of the hardest to break. (Also on a side note, I don't much cotton to you referring to my boy as a "Giant Clam." Just sayin'.)
> 
> Anyway, I'm very proud of that boy as any father would be. Right now he and his awesomely long (60 feet!) horrifying oozing cronies are on an incredibly slow (only 4 MPH! My boy picked a solar powered plane) cargo plane back from Germany. When they get here I'll have to put them up, I guess, probably outside somewhere.


 
Two words Santa, Circus Tent.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 2, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Anyway, I'm very proud of that boy as any father would be. Right now he and his awesomely long (60 feet!) horrifying oozing cronies are on an incredibly slow (only 4 MPH! My boy picked a solar powered plane) cargo plane back from Germany. When they get here I'll have to put them up, I guess, probably outside somewhere.


What about a tunnel digging company? They had been very successful over here in germany. BTW, they must be arriving soon. You know, it wasn't a solar plane, they just had to stopover several times to get some more planes for his friends - they had been growing a little too quick for this long flight... Now there will be a squadron of ten freight planes landing, I think, tomorrow at 6 PM, local time in NYC...


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## Esme (Aug 2, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Should I be afraid of the imminent arrival of your handsome son and his minions?

I want to stay on his good side. Does he like cookies?

Sincerely,
Esme


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## snuggletiger (Aug 2, 2006)

Now wait Esme? what are you getting in return for the cookies? are the minions of the son going to shower you with gifts and stuff? And what kind of cookies are being bartered here? Peanut butter, sugar, oatmeal raisin, choco chip? white macadamia nut perchance? Lot of details to sort out before the exchange should be made.


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## Esme (Aug 2, 2006)

snuggletiger said:


> Now wait Esme? what are you getting in return for the cookies? are the minions of the son going to shower you with gifts and stuff? And what kind of cookies are being bartered here? Peanut butter, sugar, oatmeal raisin, choco chip? white macadamia nut perchance? Lot of details to sort out before the exchange should be made.




I'll make whatever kind it takes to keep his tentacly son away from me.


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## snuggletiger (Aug 2, 2006)

Tentacly son? ok how about electric shock therapy that's how they got the squid off the Nautilus in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea


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## Timberwolf (Aug 2, 2006)

Be careful what you say, snuggle-T... Santa's boy might be able to hear you... Though he's not landed yet, he's quite good ears - he can hear fleas whispering one mile away...


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## snuggletiger (Aug 2, 2006)

why is everyone scared of this person?


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## Timberwolf (Aug 2, 2006)

Scared? Me? Not anymore... fascinated would be the better term...
It's just... Would you like to face an angry, 60 feet long and about 10 feet high, er... geoduck-like person?
See yourself:





This was Santa's boy two days after birth... Today he's about the size I above spoke about. And he found some friends of his kind...


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## Esme (Aug 2, 2006)

Which is exactly why I want to appease him with cookies. 

Everyone likes cookies, right?


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## snuggletiger (Aug 2, 2006)

I will be brave and say NO COOKIES for trade.


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## Esme (Aug 2, 2006)

snuggletiger said:


> I will be brave and say NO COOKIES for trade.




Are you his agent??? 

And what do you have against cookies? MMMM. Cookies!

I NEED to know these things!


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## Esme (Aug 3, 2006)

When is Santa going to answer? I'm getting nervous and I need to start baking!:shocked:


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## Santaclear (Aug 4, 2006)

Esme said:


> Should I be afraid of the imminent arrival of your handsome son and his minions?
> I want to stay on his good side. Does he like cookies?
> 
> .....Which is exactly why I want to appease him with cookies.
> Everyone likes cookies, right?





Esme said:


> When is Santa going to answer? I'm getting nervous and I need to start baking!:shocked:



Sorry it took me so long to reply, Esme. I've been on the phone with the FBI about my son. Evidently there were problems with him aboard that plane. (He's 72 feet long now.) A hell raiser just like his dad!  

Honestly I don't know if he likes cookies. Get a good look at him and you think, "cookies!," but remember he's not even a month old. Also, I hardly know the boy myself as he left in quite a hurry at just five days old. But if he's anything like his dad I'm sure he'll love cookies, especially home baked.


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## Santaclear (Aug 4, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> I have been liberally applying Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate Dibs whenever I am frightened. Michelle's advice is working.
> Two words Santa, Circus Tent.



Good idea, EP. But circus pay is frightfully low these days. I'm thinking something more military. That's where the money is. I'm hoping the boy, with his odd friends and digging talents that Timberwolf pointed out will be able to find work aiding the war effort in Iraq. After we win over there he can help conquer Canada.


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## Santaclear (Aug 4, 2006)

snuggletiger said:


> why is everyone scared of this person?



EvilPrincess is the one who was scared, Snuggletiger. But at Michelle's suggestion she's been eating Dibs (chocolate/chocolate) and that seems to have worked.

There's more information about this person here: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9683

and here: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=10068

But I must caution you as always, don't believe everything you read. Scientists are working night and day to find a cure.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 4, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Sorry it took me so long to reply, Esme. I've been on the phone with the FBI about my son. Evidently there were problems with him aboard that plane. (He's 72 feet long now.) A hell raiser just like his dad!
> 
> Honestly I don't know if he likes cookies. Get a good look at him and you think, "cookies!," but remember he's not even a month old. Also, I hardly know the boy myself as he left in quite a hurry at just five days old. But if he's anything like his dad I'm sure he'll love cookies, especially home baked.


Well, as far as I can tell from his stay in germany, he likes cookies, especially rocky-chocolate-crunch-cookies (home baked preferred, though he'll take them from a good bakery, too). You'd need some stone meal and shattered stones to add to your chocolate cookie dough - and bake them quite long, they got to be really crunchy!


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## rainyday (Aug 11, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I'm still not convinced the strange impressions aren't ringworm, Rainy. Have you tried "I Can't Believe It's Not Ringworm!"  cream on it yet?


I prefer a more holistic approach, so I purchased a chia pet in the shape of a worm. Someone told me that its mere presence would cure me if any future infestations pop up.

BTW, this thread has gotten very weird. I understood it much better when the focus was on barf. And Anta, forgive my rudeness, but what exactly did you breed with to produce such a son? And were you sober? Maybe you should request a paternity test. I hear you can get them on Maury and Springer.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 11, 2006)

rainyday said:


> BTW, this thread has gotten very weird. I understood it much better when the focus was on barf. And Anta, forgive my rudeness, but what exactly did you breed with to produce such a son? And were you sober? Maybe you should request a paternity test. I hear you can get them on Maury and Springer.


Well, it is possible that the answer lies in this sentence:



Santaclear said:


> Sure, I did a lot of _*hallucinogens*_ in the '70s, maybe more than my share.


You know, I've heard about some secret tests with hallucino_genes_ back in the seventies... 
They spread genetically manipulated hallucinogens in the scene to find out if it would do any harm... 
Well, in the short-term, there didn't happen anything... but, as so often, they thought a little too short:
Today, many people have to deal with some really interesting (I try to use a polite description...) consequences...


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## Santaclear (Aug 13, 2006)

rainyday said:


> BTW, this thread has gotten very weird. I understood it much better when the focus was on barf. And Anta, forgive my rudeness, but what exactly did you breed with to produce such a son? And were you sober? Maybe you should request a paternity test. I hear you can get them on Maury and Springer.



I know what ya mean about this thread, Rainy. A lot of us probably miss those good old barf days. But what can ya do, ya know?

To produce this child I mated with a woman in the area I met in DimChat, I can't remember her name. (Of course I was sober!)

Here's a pic of the boy just after he arrived in Germany. Please note that the guy holding him is the World's Largest Man, at just over 80 feet tall. 

View attachment man with child.jpeg


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## Santaclear (Aug 13, 2006)

snuggletiger said:


> Tentacly son? ok how about electric shock therapy that's how they got the squid off the Nautilus in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea



But unfortunately this is no TV program or movie, snuggletiger. This is real life.


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## Santaclear (Aug 13, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> You know, I've heard about some secret tests with hallucino_genes_ back in the seventies...
> They spread genetically manipulated hallucinogens in the scene to find out if it would do any harm...
> Well, in the short-term, there didn't happen anything... but, as so often, they thought a little too short:
> Today, many people have to deal with some really interesting (I try to use a polite description...) consequences...



Yeah, now I even kinda envy people with crack babies. This genetically induced family drama just tears a father apart, you know? And to think the kid's not even yet two months old. Some scientist or undercover cop somewhere is probably laughing at this thread.


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## Friday (Aug 13, 2006)

Why not throw a Dim chowder party? There's enough there to keep the white and red factions happy with enough leftovers for fritters. :eat1:


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## Timberwolf (Aug 13, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Yeah, now I even kinda envy people with crack babies. This genetically induced family drama just tears a father apart, you know? And to think the kid's not even yet two months old. Some scientist or undercover cop somewhere is probably laughing at this thread.


Yeah, but just as long until he/she finds out having been unknowingly part of a similar test in the past...

I feel with you about the drama... 
I sure hope there will something happen in the near future that helps you putting your parts together again. And I keep my fingers crossed that there will be no damage left after the reassembly of yours. (I know what I'm talking about... I've been torn apart before... and after my reassembly it's sometimes quite difficult for me to keep my head together... Look out for a real pro... might be a little more expensive, but it's worth it...)

How's your son and his gang doing, right now?


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## Michelle (Aug 13, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I'm wondering if you still give advice or if you're too wound up in the doings with your so-called son to be doing a public service anymore?

My question is this - is it notary public or note a republic? Someone asked me if i was one of those and I just answered I voted for Mondale. Was that a correct answer?

p.s. I heard the mother of your son is a shameless hussy who has left half brothers all over the place and that they're all congregating to start a terrorist network against mother-of-pearl jewelry makers. It's time to throw salt on your son, Anta. I heard it kills 'em dead.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 13, 2006)

Michelle said:


> p.s. I heard the mother of your son is a shameless hussy who has left half brothers all over the place and that they're all congregating to start a terrorist network against mother-of-pearl jewelry makers. It's time to throw salt on your son, Anta. I heard it kills 'em dead.


I'd say this is a shameless rumour, Santa's son is a really nice and polite guy - he won't join any terroristic act.
I'd be more than surprised if he would...


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## Michelle (Aug 13, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I'd say this is a shameless rumour, Santa's son is a really nice and polite guy - he won't join any terroristic act.
> I'd be more than surprised if he would...


 
Wolfie, you're very naive. He most certainly is a terrorist and a shameless one at that (he gets the shameless part from his mother and the terrorist part from his father). 

I'll bet you wouldn't believe that Rainy lives out of a grocery cart under a highway overpass either, would you? Or that Friday makes fritters out of fat french frogs? Or that Esme, while a Michiganian, really covets living in Iceland and being Queen there? Or that snuggletiger isn't really a tiger but is instead a gecko? Don't believe it, do you? 

Well, Wolfie, keep your eyes open, your ears unclogged and be afraid, because everything you don't believe might jump up and bite you in the BEhind.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 13, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Wolfie, you're very naive. He most certainly is a terrorist and a shameless one at that (he gets the shameless part from his mother and the terrorist part from his father).


Well, if Santa's a terrorist, then I'm an alien trying to conquer the world...








Michelle said:


> I'll bet you wouldn't believe that Rainy lives out of a grocery cart under a highway overpass either, would you? Or that Friday makes fritters out of fat french frogs? Or that Esme, while a Michiganian, really covets living in Iceland and being Queen there? Or that snuggletiger isn't really a tiger but is instead a gecko? Don't believe it, do you?


Tell me, Michelle, why do you project your life onto others? 



Michelle said:


> Well, Wolfie, keep your eyes open, your ears unclogged and be afraid, because everything you don't believe might jump up and bite you in the BEhind.


Two words: Catch me (if you can)!


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## Esme (Aug 14, 2006)

Michelle, you've really opened my eyes! I see how things are now... I just hope Santa can handle all that.


Now we just need to find large quantities of salt. 

You know.... Michigan has all kinds of salt AND trucks to spread it with.... I think we have a chance against the shamless terrorist!

~Esme, Queen of Iceland


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## Timberwolf (Aug 14, 2006)

Be careful what you folks are doing! It could lead to my conquering the earth!


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## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Friday said:


> Why not throw a Dim chowder party? There's enough there to keep the white and red factions happy with enough leftovers for fritters. :eat1:



That boy could make for a HELL of a lotta chowder! :eat2: He's my son though. We need to think this thing out.


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## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I feel with you about the drama...
> I sure hope there will something happen in the near future that helps you putting your parts together again. And I keep my fingers crossed that there will be no damage left after the reassembly of yours. (I know what I'm talking about... I've been torn apart before... and after my reassembly it's sometimes quite difficult for me to keep my head together... Look out for a real pro... might be a little more expensive, but it's worth it...)
> 
> How's your son and his gang doing, right now?



Thanks for the good wishes, Timberwolf. After this is over I plan to find a pro who can sew me up again just right. All this cutting and pasting and clicking "enter", in addition to my family woes has nearly left me a broken man. I'm gonna get some smileys tatooed on me too.

My son is good, apparently. He's at a military base in Michigan visiting friends. I'm not sure if his posse is with him or if they plan to meet up later. The military is running some tests on him too.


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## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I'm wondering if you still give advice or if you're too wound up in the doings with your so-called son to be doing a public service anymore?



Helping people is the reason I'm here, Michelle. If 70 people die as a result of my bad advice (or have to seek medical or psychiatric help as a result of it, which is what happened in Florida) and just one person benefits from it, then it was all worthwhile.



Michelle said:


> My question is this - is it notary public or note a republic? Someone asked me if i was one of those and I just answered I voted for Mondale. Was that a correct answer?



Well, a true "Note to da Republic" should be typed on lined paper and evenly spaced. Always save a copy for yourself in case there are problems later. Your answer was correct if you indeed voted for Mondale.



Michelle said:


> p.s. I heard the mother of your son is a shameless hussy who has left half brothers all over the place and that they're all congregating to start a terrorist network against mother-of-pearl jewelry makers. It's time to throw salt on your son, Anta. I heard it kills 'em dead.



Women!  :doh: Don't jump the gun like his mom did, Michelle. Terrorism is normal in a boy his age. In no time the Air Force people will be finished with him and he and his buddies will be free to come out here to stay with me. Then we can figure out what to do.


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## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I'd say this is a shameless rumour, Santa's son is a really nice and polite guy - he won't join any terroristic act.
> I'd be more than surprised if he would...



The boy is gentle as a lamb unless provoked. The military people told me he only strikes when he can sense some weakness or fear on our parts. So the trick is to always act confident and upbeat around him and never let on that you're even so much as TIRED - otherwise you're dead meat.


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## Michelle (Aug 16, 2006)

So he's in Michigan, is he? (grabbing the superduper supply of salt gathered from the salt mines and headed for an army base)

Calling Esme, Queen of Iceland. I need your help with some salt.

Dear Anta:

Is puce a better color than midnight green?


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## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Wolfie, you're very naive. He most certainly is a terrorist and a shameless one at that (he gets the shameless part from his mother and the terrorist part from his father).
> I'll bet you wouldn't believe that Rainy lives out of a grocery cart under a highway overpass either, would you? Or that Friday makes fritters out of fat french frogs? Or that Esme, while a Michiganian, really covets living in Iceland and being Queen there? Or that snuggletiger isn't really a tiger but is instead a gecko? Don't believe it, do you?
> Well, Wolfie, keep your eyes open, your ears unclogged and be afraid, because everything you don't believe might jump up and bite you in the BEhind.



Michelle, these are all family matters and should best be kept private, no? Besides, Cousin Wolf has probably likely never been to America ("Land of Fat Vampires") and it's not good to scare him. Before he sees Disneyland, anyway.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 16, 2006)

Uhm...
Michelle...
One question...
Don't you think that carrying lage amounts of salt towards an army base could be thought as an terroristic act itself?

What do you think, dear Santa?



Michelle said:


> So he's in Michigan, is he? (grabbing the superduper supply of salt gathered from the salt mines and headed for an army base)
> 
> Calling Esme, Queen of Iceland. I need your help with some salt.


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## Timberwolf (Aug 16, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The boy is gentle as a lamb unless provoked. The military people told me he only strikes when he can sense some weakness or fear on our parts. So the trick is to always act confident and upbeat around him and never let on that you're even so much as TIRED - otherwise you're dead meat.


Strange...
As he was over here, I slept at his side... And I didn't wake up as a ghost...

I guess it's the martial acting of military... It sets him upon a state of alarm...
He looked at our Bundeswehr sodiers with some kind of anger as they showed up, all in weapons and acting warlike, but as I had explained the situation and the soldiers relaxed, behaving like normal people, he even made friends with some of them... 
And to BBW he was the perfect gentleman...


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## Timberwolf (Aug 16, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Michelle, these are all family matters and should best be kept private, no? Besides, Cousin Wolf has probably likely never been to America ("Land of Fat Vampires") and it's not good to scare him. Before he sees Disneyland, anyway.


In Cyberspace, I've been there, but in real life...
Not yet. 
Question:
What would you consider scarier, a fat vampire or an alien with a garlic-laser gun?


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Esme said:


> Michelle, you've really opened my eyes! I see how things are now... I just hope Santa can handle all that.
> Now we just need to find large quantities of salt.
> You know.... Michigan has all kinds of salt AND trucks to spread it with.... I think we have a chance against the shamless terrorist!
> ~Esme, Queen of Iceland



Now hold your horses, Esme! We have to do this right. He's my son, after all. I am hungry tho and Friday's "chowder" plan sounds pretty good right about now. Don't ruin it with too much salt.

I say we sit tight and wait for the boy to come home. Also Timberwolf is talking about conquering the Earth, that somehow if we do away with the boy this will lead to that (I don't understand but I reported his post to the mods - better safe than sorry.)


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Be careful what you folks are doing! It could lead to my conquering the earth!



Such grandiose plans are unlikely to work out, Cousin Wolf. Take it from me....a LOT can go wrong. You might end up in the slammer or even worse. Besides, being Lord of the approximately six and a half billion people of Earth is probably a lotta headaches, maybe six and a half billion of them. (See MiaDavina's "Anybody else suffer from migraines?" thread on the Main Board for more info.)


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 16, 2006)

Michelle said:


> So he's in Michigan, is he? (grabbing the superduper supply of salt gathered from the salt mines and headed for an army base)
> Calling Esme, Queen of Iceland. I need your help with some salt.
> 
> Dear Anta:
> Is puce a better color than midnight green?



Are you sure these questions aren't just a way to divert my attention, Michelle? You girls will never get away with this. Plus, those rental dumptrucks never work right and you'll throw your backs out moving all that salt. 

My co-worker has tasted geoduck and says it was pretty good. Don't ruin a good thing, Michelle. Remember, America was largely built on family values.

Um, I'd answer your question but I googled "midnight green" and found um, nothing. I don't like puce much.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 16, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Now hold your horses, Esme! We have to do this right. He's my son, after all. I am hungry tho and Friday's "chowder" plan sounds pretty good right about now. Don't ruin it with too much salt.
> 
> I say we sit tight and wait for the boy to come home. Also Timberwolf is talking about conquering the Earth, that somehow if we do away with the boy this will lead to that (I don't understand but I reported his post to the mods - better safe than sorry.)


Well, if you'd decide to eat your son, I'd be quite sad and upset, for we became friends as he visited Germany...
It may perhaps lead to my tryin' to save him, but no reason to conquer earth...

On the other hand, if you people prove M.'s right with her assertions...
(As Esme did:


Esme said:


> ~Esme, Queen of Iceland


 ....)

Well, _*then*_ I'd be forced to make this


Timberwolf said:


> Well, if Santa's a terrorist, then I'm an alien trying to conquer the world...


true...


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 16, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Such grandiose plans are unlikely to work out, Cousin Wolf. Take it from me....a LOT can go wrong. You might end up in the slammer or even worse. Besides, being Lord of the approximately six and a half billion people of Earth is probably a lotta headaches, maybe six and a half billion of them. (See MiaDavina's "Anybody else suffer from migraines?" thread on the Main Board for more info.)


It's not my intention to do this, but, as I explained earlier, I may be forced to do so...
BTW, I'm quite used to headaches... Some fool has shrunk my spaceship some years ago...
*dongggg* Ouch!


----------



## Esme (Aug 16, 2006)

Michelle said:


> So he's in Michigan, is he? (grabbing the superduper supply of salt gathered from the salt mines and headed for an army base)
> 
> Calling Esme, Queen of Iceland. I need your help with some salt.
> 
> ...




Hmmm... I didn't say he was in Michigan, but if he does show up, maybe we can just challenge him to a euchre tournament. We could use the salt for chips and margaritas... Maybe there can be a happy ending after all!


Also, as Queen of Iceland, I decree puce is no longer a color, it's toe jam. Or maybe just jam...


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 16, 2006)

Esme said:


> Hmmm... I didn't say he was in Michigan, but if he does show up, maybe we can just challenge him to a euchre tournament. We could use the salt for chips and margaritas... Maybe there can be a happy ending after all!
> 
> 
> Also, as Queen of Iceland, I decree puce is no longer a color, it's toe jam. Or maybe just jam...


A happy ending would be nice...

Uhm... Your Highness...:bow:
Would it be possible to your explaining what an euchre tournament exactly is. I'm just an unknowing little alien.:bow:


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 16, 2006)

Dear Santa,

Will you go on a date with me?

And as a follow up question:

I want to go on a date with a man who's just a few years younger than my own father. Is this ok?

Sincerely,
In-FAT-uated with Men my Daddy's Age.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 17, 2006)

Dear Santa,

do you think there is any chance that an alien wolf could become president of the United States of America?

Yours curiously,

Timberwolf


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 18, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Well, if you'd decide to eat your son, I'd be quite sad and upset, for we became friends as he visited Germany...
> It may perhaps lead to my tryin' to save him, but no reason to conquer earth...
> On the other hand, if you people prove M.'s right with her assertions...
> (As Esme did: ....)
> Well, _*then*_ I'd be forced to make this true...



I wish you hadn't put it that way, T-Wolf, "eating my son".  Kinda makes me out to be the bad guy, doesn't it? Besides, I was getting pretty hungry.

But if the boy is your friend, then perhaps we shouldn't eat him.

Pay little attention to Michelle's wild, stream-of-consciousness ramblings. The woman's probably delerious from her diet of Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate Dibs and the bronchitis that has unfortunately stripped away her powers of reason.

That dear Esme (possible Queen of Iceland - still need to research that one) has been taken in by Michelle's inflamatory malarkey is more a testament to the "mob mentality" that pervades among Michiganders and the psychological effects of global warming than any real threat. 

If they decide to pour salt on the boy, you lose a good friend and we all lose out on a good meal.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 18, 2006)

Esme said:


> Hmmm... I didn't say he was in Michigan, but if he does show up, maybe we can just challenge him to a euchre tournament. We could use the salt for chips and margaritas... Maybe there can be a happy ending after all!
> Also, as Queen of Iceland, I decree puce is no longer a color, it's toe jam. Or maybe just jam...



The boy IS in Michigan, Esme, at an Air Force base where they're just running a few tests on him, nuclear stuff, and one with an electron decelerator. Very routine, a guy from the Department of Defense assured me. There's also a priest involved, I'm not sure why.

Thanks for the puce decree. I never liked puce that much. I'm even less into toe jam. Regular jam's pretty good though. :bow:


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 20, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Will you go on a date with me?
> And as a follow up question:
> I want to go on a date with a man who's just a few years younger than my own father. Is this ok?
> Sincerely,
> In-FAT-uated with Men my Daddy's Age.



Why, of course I would, AFG! :doh:  Darn tootin', like my generation used to say!

However I have to come out strongly against you dating others my age. It is NOT ok. Who knows what kind of wackos there are out there? How would you protect yourself? These guys are borderline perverts and withered sleazeballs who need to get their minds outta the gutter PRONTO and their eyes away from the AFG cradle, so to speak.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 20, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> do you think there is any chance that an alien wolf could become president of the United States of America?



Hell, in America ANYTHING is possible!  

I remember being in 7th grade on Long Island in 1967 when Ronald Reagan ran for (and WON, much to our amazement) the office of Governor of California. To people in NY it seemed like the most ridiculous thing in the world that a movie actor would ever run for political office, much less win, and for years California was the subject of much derision because of it. We assumed Californians are idiots and had let the flakey Hollywood thing go to their heads. Look what's happened since! 

So I say go for it, Cousin Wolf, ya never know. You've already shown you have a better mind than President Bush and you're clearly better intentioned.


----------



## Michelle (Aug 20, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Pay little attention to Michelle's wild, stream-of-consciousness ramblings. The woman's probably delerious from her diet of Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate Dibs and the bronchitis that has unfortunately stripped away her powers of reason.
> 
> That dear Esme (possible Queen of Iceland - still need to research that one) has been taken in by Michelle's inflamatory malarkey is more a testament to the "mob mentality" that pervades among Michiganders and the psychological effects of global warming than any real threat.


 
That's "Michiganians" to you, Anta.

As for the rest of your tripe, I will refer you to the infamous quote by the Penis Pump Judge: 

"Whoosh ... whoosh ... whoosh ... mmmmmmmmmmmmm." 

Think about it.


----------



## ripley (Aug 20, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Why are there so many lonely people? Why won't they all line up, and I'll say "you with her...you with him..." and then they'll all have somebody? (I have someone in mind for you already!!)

Thanks,

ripley


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 20, 2006)

Michelle said:


> That's "Michiganians" to you, Anta.



Michelle, Respectfully stop your personal attacks.

Signed, 
A Proud Michigander.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 20, 2006)

ripley said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> Why are there so many lonely people? Why won't they all line up, and I'll say "you with her...you with him..." and then they'll all have somebody? (I have someone in mind for you already!!)
> 
> ...



Oh! Oh! Find someone for me! They need to be sassy!


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> That's "Michiganians" to you, Anta.
> 
> As for the rest of your tripe, I will refer you to the infamous quote by the Penis Pump Judge:
> 
> ...



Michigainians...

Something sounds strange here...





I don't get it...


----------



## Michelle (Aug 22, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Michelle, Respectfully stop your personal attacks.
> 
> Signed,
> A Proud Michigander.


 
My personal attacks make me laugh and therefore make me happy. I will personally attack everyone on this board at some point because it's all about ME. Therefore, personal attacks will not stop, but because you asked me to respectfully stop them, I'll be respectful when I make them. Is that a good compromise?

Dear Anta:

Who do you think Ripley would pair you up with? I think it might be Cousin Wolf, but I'm not sure.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 22, 2006)

Do all Michigainians have such strange ideas? And do they all sound so shelfish, too?


----------



## Michelle (Aug 22, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Do all Michigainians have such strange ideas? And do they all sound so shelfish, too?


 
Hey! Anta's son is the shellfish, not me. As for strange ideas, I don't think they're so much from Michiganians as they are from strange people.  Strange people seem to hang out in this thread, don't they, Cousin Wolf?


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 22, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Hey! Anta's son is the shellfish, not me. As for strange ideas, I don't think they're so much from Michiganians as they are from strange people.  Strange people seem to hang out in this thread, don't they, Cousin Wolf?


Santa's son is a shellfish?  Are you sure we're talking about the same guy?

Are Michiganians and Michigainians the same people? 

Are you looking at me? What's so strange about an alien wolf?


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 23, 2006)

Michelle said:


> As for the rest of your tripe, I will refer you to the infamous quote by the Penis Pump Judge:
> "Whoosh ... whoosh ... whoosh ... mmmmmmmmmmmmm."
> Think about it.



I thought about it for a while, Michelle, and still.....nothing.



Michelle said:


> My personal attacks make me laugh and therefore make me happy. I will personally attack everyone on this board at some point because it's all about ME. Therefore, personal attacks will not stop, but because you asked me to respectfully stop them, I'll be respectful when I make them. Is that a good compromise?



I think what AFG is referring to, Michelle, is your implication that noble "Michiganians" are any better than the proud "Michiganders", whose mascot I should add is the Michigoose. 

To make matters even more complicated there are also "Michigainians" (whom Timberwolf mentioned - they're into weight gain and post on the Weight Board) and "Meshuggaboobookitties" (whom Jes has referred to in the past.) A dead or nearly-dead Michigan resident is a "Michigoner." It's hard to keep all this straight.



Michelle said:


> Who do you think Ripley would pair you up with? I think it might be Cousin Wolf, but I'm not sure.



I have no clue. The moderators issued me a bouquet of "Old Man" flowers for the date, but they've wilted even though they're only made of cardboard and burlap and ribbons and stuff. I must've waited too long.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 23, 2006)

ripley said:


> Why are there so many lonely people? Why won't they all line up, and I'll say "you with her...you with him..." and then they'll all have somebody? (I have someone in mind for you already!!)



Excellent question, Ripley. I've often wondered that myself. The great Paul McCartney even one wrote a poem on the subject, titled, I believe, "All the Lonely People".

_All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?_  :doh: 

Later in the poem he introduces a character, Father McKenzie, who sits up darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there. What does he care?

This problem of all these lonely people DOES have a solution, however, if people will indeed submit to your will and line up, waiting for your announcement on who they should pair up with. Who do you have in mind?


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 23, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Do all Michigainians have such strange ideas? And do they all sound so shelfish, too?



Please try not to attack the Michigainers, Brother Wolf. They don't ALL really sound like shellfish.

BTW a Michigobbler is one who eats too fast, gobbling his or her food. Michigoons are old-school Mafia-type thugs. And Michicobbler is a delightful, Michigan-style peach cobbler (delicious!)


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 23, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Hey! Anta's son is the shellfish, not me. As for strange ideas, I don't think they're so much from Michiganians as they are from strange people.  Strange people seem to hang out in this thread, don't they, Cousin Wolf?



Who are you calling a son of a shellfish? 

Michelle, please. These unprecedented personal attacks should be kept at an absolute minimum. Your obviously Dibs-fueled (Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate) aggression might be better served at Hyde Park in, say, the "Further proof America is going down the toilet" thread. Or perhaps in one of those "mean" threads that pop up around the board from time to time.

All this name-calling and bickering over my only son (I'm still kinda hungry and maybe could go for the chowder idea) have been making this thread such an extremely sad place.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 23, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Please try not to attack the Michigainers, Brother Wolf. They don't ALL really sound like shellfish.
> 
> BTW a Michigobbler is one who eats too fast, gobbling his or her food. Michigoons are old-school Mafia-type thugs. And Michicobbler is a delightful, Michigan-style peach cobbler (delicious!)


I'm sorry, I didn't want to attack anyone that isn't involved. 
I guess it was a mis-understanding... someone had been yelling at me before, so I was hard of hearing for some time. Now that my ears have recovered and due to your explaining the complexity of the inhabitants of Michigan, I see that I've made a mistake.
I beg your pardon, dear inhabitants of Michigan.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 23, 2006)

ANyone notice that we always make everything about Michigan?

Another thing about Michiganders:we are attention seekers.


----------



## Esme (Aug 23, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The boy IS in Michigan, Esme, at an Air Force base where they're just running a few tests on him, nuclear stuff, and one with an electron decelerator. Very routine, a guy from the Department of Defense assured me. There's also a priest involved, I'm not sure why.




Sorry I haven't responded in a while. I've been playing euchre with Santa's son and enjoying the chips and 'ritas. 

My question is, in euchre, with a left bower, an ace of trump, and a 9 of trump, should I order the hand up? I don't know what to do Santa, and I'm counting on you to help!

BTW- it was two priests... a young priest and an old priest... Hmmm....:shocked:


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 23, 2006)

Esme said:


> Sorry I haven't responded in a while. I've been playing euchre with Santa's son and enjoying the chips and 'ritas.
> 
> My question is, in euchre, with a left bower, an ace of trump, and a 9 of trump, should I order the hand up? I don't know what to do Santa, and I'm counting on you to help!
> 
> BTW- it was two priests... a young priest and an old priest... Hmmm....:shocked:


Two priests... strange...


----------



## ripley (Aug 23, 2006)

Dear Anta, 

This matchmaking stuff is hard business! I have someone in mind for AFG, but he might be too nice. What if she likes macho posturing and spanks in the bedroom, and he's more of a kiss-and-cuddler? 

I think I'm going to have to either make a questionnaire for people to fill out, or just be a total despot cupid and just make them match and shut up about it. 

Okay, a question....hmmmm...okay, why don't we feel neutrinos when they go through us? 

Love, 
ripley


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 23, 2006)

ripley said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> This matchmaking stuff is hard business! I have someone in mind for AFG, but he might be too nice. What if she likes macho posturing and spanks in the bedroom, and he's more of a kiss-and-cuddler?
> 
> ...



Dear Ripley,

Just for the record, because I want this match to be perfect, I enjoy BOTH kisses and cuddles AND spanky good times. One can not leave out one for the other. Hope this helps,

Best,
AFG


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 23, 2006)

ripley said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> Okay, a question....hmmmm...okay, why don't we feel neutrinos when they go through us?
> 
> ...


You don't feel them?  :shocked:
Lucky girl...


----------



## Esme (Aug 26, 2006)

Neutrinos are good for hair growth right?

Or am I thinking of something else? Tell me, dear Santa!

(Still waiting on the euchre tips too... no hurry. We've got snacks)

Maybe I should just ask Michelle...


----------



## porkchop (Aug 26, 2006)

Dear Santa,
Well the count down has begun....how do you handle this time of year...?
The pressure is on..
Do you need advance notice of what is on my list??? So you can get a head start on things?  
Thanks 
Porkchop


----------



## Michelle (Aug 26, 2006)

Esme said:


> Maybe I should just ask Michelle...
> 
> My question is, in euchre, with a left bower, an ace of trump, and a 9 of trump, should I order the hand up? I don't know what to do Santa, and I'm counting on you to help!


 
YES! YES! YES! Be daring! Take risks! Start ACTING like the Queen of Iceland, Esme! Don't just pay it lip service!

Shew. All those exclamation points exhausted me. Back to being a slug. (and NO, I am NOT the mother of Anta's child)


----------



## Michelle (Aug 26, 2006)

Maybe we should rename this the Dear Anta and Ripley thread, if Ripley is really willing to be a matchmaker.

Dear Ripley:

I'm looking for a man who can match his socks and spell and define spurious.

Got anyone in mind for me?


----------



## ripley (Aug 27, 2006)

Okay...the cat is out of the bag. The first people I want to match are Anta and Michelle. They both are smart and nice and funny and not at all unfortunate looking. 


YAY, that was easy!! PM me when you're in love, k? :wubu: :wubu: :wubu:


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> Okay...the cat is out of the bag. The first people I want to match are Anta and Michelle. They both are smart and nice and funny and not at all unfortunate looking.
> 
> 
> YAY, that was easy!! PM me when you're in love, k? :wubu: :wubu: :wubu:



Do me next! Do me next!


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 27, 2006)

Dear Santa,

This is my first time asking a question..so please be gentle with me. Do you know of a person that would make a great sugar daddy for a hot, fat girl like myself?

Thanks,
Misty..LOL


----------



## ripley (Aug 27, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Do me next! Do me next!


 

Do you?!?? 


Oh...you mean match you.:doh: 



Okay...I'm thinking 87 for you. He'll be in Ann Arbor for school, so we have pretty good proximity. He's smart and decent, but I'm sure he'll spank you if you want him to. If he'll date a shiksa I think we'll have another winner! 

This IS pretty easy! 


P.S. Don't wear pants under your skirt on your first date, k?


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> Do you?!??
> 
> 
> Oh...you mean match you.:doh:
> ...



But! But! 87 is only 18! (Like that's gonna stop me).

I'm over that stage. It's pants OR skirt. I'll post pics when 87 and I get married. :smitten:


----------



## ripley (Aug 27, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> But! But! 87 is only 18! (Like that's gonna stop me).
> 
> I'm over that stage. It's pants OR skirt. I'll post pics when 87 and I get married. :smitten:





YAY!!! 


MAN I AM *GOOD* AT THIS!!


Um...I thought you were quite young too? Am I cradle robbing in my matching endeavors? LOL


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> YAY!!!
> 
> 
> MAN I AM *GOOD* AT THIS!!
> ...



I'm 26 turning 27 this fall. That's a good 8 years his senior.


----------



## Michelle (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> Okay...the cat is out of the bag. The first people I want to match are Anta and Michelle. They both are smart and nice and funny and not at all unfortunate looking.  YAY, that was easy!! PM me when you're in love, k? :wubu: :wubu: :wubu:


 
But Ripley, who cares about smart, nice, funny and not unfortunate looking? Can he match his socks? And what about that woman he had a son with?


----------



## ripley (Aug 27, 2006)

Dear Michelle, 

Yes, he can match his socks. One might go so far as to call him a sock-matching aficionado. Sometimes he even wears one on his...well, never mind. 

I've been reluctant to tell you this, Michelle....but YOU are the mother of Anta's love child. It was during that coma you were in in '95, after that Tilt-a-Whirl incident at the Escanaba State Fair. A group of us came to visit you in the hospital...we walked in on a nurse giving you a sponge bath. Unfortunately, at that exact moment Anta slipped on a banana peel in the hallway, and fell...um...er..._against_ you. It was just fate that on that day he was only wearing *two* socks. But, I'm pleased to tell you that they did indeed match. They were white tube socks with blue stripes. I thought it was weird with Birkenstocks, but they matched, and that seems to be your sticking point, so... 

We've all been scared to tell you about your mollusk-y progeny. But just think...now that I've matched you and Anta, you can find your son and have a little ready-made family! 

Oh, I do so love a happy ending! 

All my best! 
ripley


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 27, 2006)

Now I understand!


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 27, 2006)

So is the thread over then?


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 27, 2006)

I'm not sure...
...
Uhhmm...
...
Er...
...
I fear it's not...
I didn't say I understand everything...


----------



## ripley (Aug 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> So is the thread over then?




I typed that cinematic masterpiece...full of pathos, laughter, computer generated images...and this is all you can say???!!?



No, it's not over! 



IT WILL NEVER BE OVER!!!!​


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 27, 2006)

OK, we'd better continue then, at least until Timberwolf understands everything.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 27, 2006)

Esme said:


> My question is, in euchre, with a left bower, an ace of trump, and a 9 of trump, should I order the hand up? I don't know what to do Santa, and I'm counting on you to help!



I'd say be daring and order the turkey on rye, maybe a salad and probably dessert since I don't know a thing about euchre and in fact never heard of it before last week.

But let's examine this a little more closely. You've got trump (well, _two_ trump, actually)  and you've got bower, plenty of it, on the left. What you DON'T have is Molly on the right so you'll probably need that. Also you'll want Demon in front of you (where you can keep an eye on him) and Old Jack close behind (where he can do less damage.) And you'll need a bonny, some bling and a sabre. Take a sabre and advance. Advance, Esme! Does that make sense?


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> This matchmaking stuff is hard business! I have someone in mind for AFG, but he might be too nice. What if she likes macho posturing and spanks in the bedroom, and he's more of a kiss-and-cuddler?
> I think I'm going to have to either make a questionnaire for people to fill out, or just be a total despot cupid and just make them match and shut up about it.



I agree about the matchmaking stuff being hard. The last one we found for AFG turned out to be just a mommy-change-my-diapers kinda guy. _Very_ little posturing (he had basically one pose), absolutely no kissing and only light spanking. Some cuddling and cooing but obviously it didn't work out.

Your despot idea is good. Cuts out the middle man and gives you almost unlimited power.



ripley said:


> Why don't we feel neutrinos when they go through us?



I DO feel them! Here, I googled: _"Very light (possibly massless) particles that are emitted in the process of radioactive decay. There are three species, associated with electrons, muons, and tau-leptons. They interact with ordinary matter through the weak force."_

If you don't mind me saying it, Ripley, these fucking neutrinos are annoying as hell and you're better off not feeling them! :doh: Who needs that crap when you're trying to relax or concentrate.....little, pin-pricky things tinier than electrons going through you at all hours of the day and night! What gets me mad is how they "interact with ordinary matter through the weak force." Who are they calling "ordinary matter"? And what's the "weak force"? Weak to _them_, maybe! If that's interaction then I want no part of it. I think Esme might be able to use the muons and tau-leptons for her euchre game, though.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> OK, we'd better continue then, at least until Timberwolf understands everything.


:bow::bow::bow::bow::bow:Thank you, thank you very much! :bow::bow::bow::bow::bow:


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 27, 2006)

Esme said:


> Neutrinos are good for hair growth right?
> Or am I thinking of something else? Tell me, dear Santa!
> (Still waiting on the euchre tips too... no hurry. We've got snacks)
> Maybe I should just ask Michelle...



Very right, Esme. They used neutrinos bigtime in those old "Hair Club for Men" commercials.

Sorry I've been slow replying. Been working a lot this week (in fact I have to be there in less than 6 hours and haven't gone to sleep yet.)

I found that very disturbing, what you and Timberwolf said earlier about the government needing TWO priests for my son...not just the one like the Defense Department guy told me. What is wrong with the boy? Why would they need two priests? Why one young and one old? And why would they lie?

Meanwhile there's this whole matchmaking brouhaha and the question of who the child's mother is and what were the circumstances of the conception. If Michelle is indeed the mother (not likely 'cos he looks nothing like her) then it's only right that she assume half the legal and financial responsibility for the damage the boy has already done and will do in the future. I dunno. Guess I'll go to sleep (soon) and try to sort this out later.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 27, 2006)

Well, perhaps I should tell you what made me shout out I'd understand.

I found out that Michelle also had been part of a genetic experiment, just like you... It had to do with these aliens that crashed near... I forgot the name of that city... 
The side effects just showed up because you two came together.



The boy has caused damage? What did he do?


----------



## Jane (Aug 27, 2006)

Esme said:


> My question is, in euchre, with a left bower, an ace of trump, and a 9 of trump, should I order the hand up? I don't know what to do Santa, and I'm counting on you to help!


I am so sorry I missed this earlier, and I haven't read on since I was so intrigued by your question, however I have to go with my old standby:

"Call and get set, you could lose. Never call..you do lose. What was the question again?"


----------



## Jane (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> Okay, a question....hmmmm...okay, why don't we feel neutrinos when they go through us?
> 
> Love,
> ripley


Ripley, I thought you were talking about those nasty little beaver/rat mixture spawn that live in South Texas and are migrating north.

That got me to thinking about Frank Zappa's "Weasles Ripped My Flesh" and so I'm listening to music now.

Did that answer your question?


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 27, 2006)

Esme said:


> My question is, in euchre, with a left bower, an ace of trump, and a 9 of trump, should I order the hand up? I don't know what to do Santa, and I'm counting on you to help!



My answer is yes, order it up! But my methodology in euchre is one of risk and drama and I like winning with weak hands.


I lose a lot. Anyone want to play now?


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> IT WILL NEVER BE OVER!!!!​



Ripley, I know you're a Yupper, but ya know that you don't have to shout to be heard right? <zing>


----------



## BeautifulPoeticDisaster (Aug 27, 2006)

Dear Santa;

The one thing I want for Christmas is for everyone on this board, lurkers and super posters alike, to find true inner happiness and acceptance as they are this second. Even if their cicrumstances could be different. Please give everyone hope for a better tomorrow and forgiveness and reslove for the things and people that have hurt them. That's what I want Santa....I want everyone to be happy and have the resolve to make themselves happy for many many years to come.

Thank you in advance big guy.

PS-Doc Martins would go much better with your red ass outfit!


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> IT WILL NEVER BE OVER!!!!​







Whoa! Help! A Tornado! 
*turns to run into the cellar*
*hesitates as he hears the words*
...

...

...
*looks after his babelfish, if it's still alive - as it seemed a little too silent in his ear*
Anybody say something?


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 27, 2006)

Ripley, I have it on good authority that I need a new match. Please keep your eyes out.

Thanks,
AFG


----------



## Ericthonius (Aug 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> No, it's not over!
> 
> 
> 
> IT WILL NEVER BE OVER!!!!​





Of course not! Was it? When we were over *Macho Grande*?


----------



## ripley (Aug 27, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Ripley, I know you're a Yupper, but ya know that you don't have to shout to be heard right? <zing>




Oh, you are so getting a bad match after that crap!


And it's YOOPER!


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 27, 2006)

Will someone match me to please..lol


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 27, 2006)

porkchop said:


> Dear Santa,
> Well the count down has begun....how do you handle this time of year...?
> The pressure is on..
> Do you need advance notice of what is on my list??? So you can get a head start on things?



Labor Day? Usually it's not such a big deal around here. Some years I might get something special food-wise but most times I just take advantage of having the day off and sleep in.
By all means feel free to pm or fax me a list if you think it'll help.


----------



## porkchop (Aug 28, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Labor Day? Usually it's not such a big deal around here. Some years I might get something special food-wise but most times I just take advantage of having the day off and sleep in.
> By all means feel free to pm or fax me a list if you think it'll help.


I think Santa has been wisked away from us...."labour Day"????? Who counts down to labour day....well scratch that all parents do ....it means the end of summer...and back to school...but seriously....the slide into the Great month of December is the count down I was referring to....:doh: 
Would the Real Santa Claus please stand up?


----------



## Michelle (Aug 28, 2006)

Porkchop - Anta is the advice columnist for Dimensions. He's anything but Clausey. The only thing you'll get from him for Christmas is a pat on the back and some of these: :wubu: :doh: :shocked:     :smitten: :eat2:  

Dear Anta:

Can you can match your socks and spell and define spurious?


----------



## Michelle (Aug 28, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Ripley, I know you're a Yupper, but ya know that you don't have to shout to be heard right?


 
AFG - I was very impressed with your post. It was written with a sense of urgency, but delicate and gentle. It had the fragrance and aroma of a fine wine from Madagascar. It sung of high hopes and an optimistic view of the future that one rarely sees in this thread. Your post lifts me up where I belong - where the eagles cry, on a mountain high and far from the world I know, where the clear winds blow! I shall forever be in your debt.




ripley said:


> Oh, you are so getting a bad match after that crap!


 
YOOPER!


----------



## activistfatgirl (Aug 28, 2006)

Michelle said:


> AFG - I was very impressed with your post. It was written with a sense of urgency, but delicate and gentle. It had the fragrance and aroma of a fine wine from Madagascar. It sung of high hopes and an optimistic view of the future that one rarely sees in this thread. Your post lifts me up where I belong - where the eagles cry, on a mountain high and far from the world I know, where the clear winds blow! I shall forever be in your debt.




Michelle,

It does not behoove you to mock me, and we both know that it would be in grave disservice to hijack the "Dear Santa" thread with our witty and refreshing banter. You must know I have a problem allowing such a disparaging comment lie unattended. It is my curse, my burden. I would ask for your hand in a duel, but alas, it is far to early in morning for duels (being nary on 10 o'clock. So let's go for coffee instead.

Kind Regards,
AFG


----------



## porkchop (Aug 28, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Porkchop - Anta is the advice columnist for Dimensions. He's anything but Clausey. The only thing you'll get from him for Christmas is a pat on the back and some of these: :wubu: :doh: :shocked:     :smitten: :eat2:
> 
> Dear Anta:
> 
> Can you can match your socks and spell and define spurious?


well how do you know that isn't what I wanted???
Now isn't this a forum??? A place to talk and ask questions....I choose him to be Santa Clause....lol (psssst...check out his name...!)
Sorry...I will just slink right off......going away now...


----------



## Esme (Aug 28, 2006)

Dear Santa,

School starts again in a few days and I was wondering if you had any tips on handling my high school students more effectively. 

Any words of Santa-y wisdom will be greatly appreciated.


Sincerley,
Esme- Queen of Iceland


----------



## Zandoz (Aug 28, 2006)

Esme said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> School starts again in a few days and I was wondering if you had any tips on handling my high school students more effectively.
> 
> ...



I don't know what Santa will say, but my best advice for handling high school students would include layered clothing (HAZMAT suit over body armor)...protective earware...and very large tongs.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 28, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Why does no one love me in this thread  It makes me quite sad.


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 29, 2006)

(((((Misty)))))

Does that help?


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Aug 29, 2006)

MisticalMisty said:


> Will someone match me to please..lol


When I meet Mr. Please..Lol, I will be sure to show him a hot picture of you and give him your phone number. It's a rather unusual name, I must say. So if you change your name when you get married, you'll become Mistical Lol? Or are the .. part of the last name? It's difficult for me to tell.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 29, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> (((((Misty)))))
> 
> Does that help?


awww..thanks man


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 29, 2006)

Renaissance Woman said:


> When I meet Mr. Please..Lol, I will be sure to show him a hot picture of you and give him your phone number. It's a rather unusual name, I must say. So if you change your name when you get married, you'll become Mistical Lol? Or are the .. part of the last name? It's difficult for me to tell.


Damn me and my poor spelling and grammar skills..lol..ssssshhh don't tell anyone I'm a teacher.

Wouldn't that be a funny last name. Misty Please. Mrs. Please, I need to go to the bathroom. What's the magic word? Um? Pretty Please..LMFAO

Sorry..I've been working with 8 year olds with limited adult contact..I'm a little out of it


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2006)

MisticalMisty said:


> This is my first time asking a question..so please be gentle with me. Do you know of a person that would make a great sugar daddy for a hot, fat girl like myself?
> Thanks,
> Misty..LOL



Frankly Misty, no. I'd strongly advise against going the "looking for a sugar daddy" route anyway. Unless a good one just happens to fall in your lap. Self reliance builds character and I don't have a punchline for this post! 

I say be patient, post diligently on the "Confessions" threads at the appropriate times and good things will come to you.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> The boy has caused damage? What did he do?



Well, first, he attacked my wife. I discuss it here in this post, with a few of the details slightly changed: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=188908&postcount=36
Bit her when he was only a few days old. She didn't make it, poor thing, she passed away. Then it escaped. (I still have trouble calling him a "he" when I think about this.) Somehow made it across the pond to Germany. That's when you first saw him by the side of the road, digging with his friends. By then he'd grown to what, 60 feet?  

You said you grew close with the boy over time, Timberwolf, but in between I know he did a lot of bad things. He MUST have, to have so many police, military and medical people after him. And now two priests! He's back in Michigan now, over 80 feet long, supposedly undergoing nuclear tests and playing euchre with Esme on his off hours. The boy has taken quite a liking to Esme I'm told, bonding with her over euchre and her wonderful chip cookies (made with real gravel.) :eat2: When he'll return here is anyone's guess. He loves the women in Michigan and probably doesn't want to face his stern father's wrath!  But I'm worried sick about the boy. I want those priests to finish up with him and the nuclear testing to be done with so we can be a family again!


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2006)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> Dear Santa;
> The one thing I want for Christmas is for everyone on this board, lurkers and super posters alike, to find true inner happiness and acceptance as they are this second. Even if their circumstances could be different. Please give everyone hope for a better tomorrow and forgiveness and reolvve for the things and people that have hurt them. That's what I want Santa....I want everyone to be happy and have the resolve to make themselves happy for many many years to come.
> Thank you in advance big guy.
> PS-Doc Martins would go much better with your red ass outfit!



Hi BBSSBBW. I think that like Porkchop (who seems kinda disgruntled now) you might be mixing me up with someone else. I don't do the red ass outfit thing and come holiday time I usually lay quite low. However those are very fine wishes and I invite you to sit on my lap and whisper them in my ear (at the appropriate time, of course.)


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2006)

MisticalMisty said:


> Will someone match me to please..lol



Misty, please. This thread is not a free-for-all where people just start matching each other all willy-nilly and run off to do whatever it is that couples do. (Don't ask me 'cos I don't know.)

The matching process is long and boring, like applying for welfare or something, really, and only Ripley is qualified to do it. When the time comes and she's found you a good match I'm sure she'll post about it.  :bow:


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 30, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Well, first, he attacked my wife. I discuss it here in this post, with a few of the details slightly changed: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=188908&postcount=36
> Bit her when he was only a few days old. She didn't make it, poor thing, she passed away. Then it escaped. (I still have trouble calling him a "he" when I think about this.) Somehow made it across the pond to Germany. That's when you first saw him by the side of the road, digging with his friends. By then he'd grown to what, 60 feet?
> 
> You said you grew close with the boy over time, Timberwolf, but in between I know he did a lot of bad things. He MUST have, to have so many police, military and medical people after him. And now two priests! He's back in Michigan now, over 80 feet long, supposedly undergoing nuclear tests and playing euchre with Esme on his off hours. The boy has taken quite a liking to Esme I'm told, bonding with her over euchre and her wonderful chip cookies (made with real gravel.) :eat2: When he'll return here is anyone's guess. He loves the women in Michigan and probably doesn't want to face his stern father's wrath!  But I'm worried sick about the boy. I want those priests to finish up with him and the nuclear testing to be done with so we can be a family again!


 OK, I forgot about that biting story. But I know he had been very sorry (and sad - he called her mom...) about hearing of her passing... It wasn't intended. She somehow inadvertently hurt him, and you know how these young things are... more reflex than thinking... I'd guess she died of an allergical reaction... 

How he got to germany? Well, on his flight he reached an ex nuclear testing area. There was a big hole where he fell into, disintegrating and re-materializing in a small wood. There I met him.

And about all those officials after him... Well, let's say it like this: It is some kind of disease among police, military and so on that they have to hunt down things that are different... 

 Nuclear tests, you say? Oh, my, it's depressing how out of town these people are... No wonder he's growing on! :doh: :shocked:

...

But maybe there is hope... It will take some time to find out, though.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2006)

porkchop said:


> I think Santa has been wisked away from us...."labour Day"????? Who counts down to labour day....well scratch that all parents do ....it means the end of summer...and back to school...but seriously....the slide into the Great month of December is the count down I was referring to....:doh:
> Would the Real Santa Claus please stand up?





porkchop said:


> well how do you know that isn't what I wanted???
> Now isn't this a forum??? A place to talk and ask questions....I choose him to be Santa Clause....lol (psssst...check out his name...!)
> Sorry...I will just slink right off......going away now...



I've sorry about the misunderstanding, Mr.Chop. My name is CLEAR (rhymes with Chanticleer) not CLAUS. You are right that this is a forum and a place to talk and ask questions, but we cannot choose our own Santa Claus (even if the name is quite similar.)

I certainly hope you're having a great summer and again, I wish you the best for Labor Day.


----------



## Michelle (Aug 30, 2006)

Now wait just one darned minute. Who is actually that thing's mom? You mean, you took him from me while I was still out cold and told him he had a different mom? Do you realize that could be what his problem is? Do you realize how much damage that must have done to him (although I admit, had i tried to raise him, I might have gotten bit and died)?

I really and truly can't believe all the crap that has gone on regarding this. Ripley knowing what happened and never telling me. The Hornbate Anta taking the boy and trying to raise him with his now dead wife. Look how he turned out? Had I been involved things could be totally different.

WHATEVER!


----------



## Friday (Aug 30, 2006)

I'm sorry Michelle. I had no idea when I made the chowder comment.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Can you can match your socks and spell and define spurious?



I stopped wearing socks years ago, Michelle, because of my confusion in matching and especially around counting them accurately. Nowadays I just wad up wet paper towels and wear galoshes-type things when I go out.

Spurious? Why, I practically define the word! Here, I'll spell it: S-P-U-R-I-O-U-S. And some definitions from Google:

* specious: plausible but false; "a specious claim"; "spurious inferences"
* bastardly: born out of wedlock; "the dominions of both rulers passed away to their spurious or doubtful offspring"- E.A.Freeman
* inauthentic: intended to deceive; "a spurious work of art" 
*A false piece made to deceive, often an original creation rather than a copy of a known item. Not genuine. Counterfeit. False.

Interesting questions, they really made me think! Why are you asking?

As for your concerns about the child and Ripley's shocking theories, I'll answer shortly as I've been directed to answer all posts in the order they were posted.


----------



## rainyday (Aug 30, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> She somehow inadvertently hurt him, and you know how these young things are... more reflex than thinking... I'd guess she died of an allergical reaction...



Are you sure it wasn't death by "allegorical reaction," Timber? Maybe Santa was deep in rich imagery, approaching the "aha!" moment of some half-understandable story, and she just toppled over, overcome. Could be he's blaming the kid instead. I think we should examine this a little deeper. CSI wouldn't buy that story of his at face value.




porkchop said:


> well how do you know that isn't what I wanted???
> Now isn't this a forum??? A place to talk and ask questions....I choose him to be Santa Clause....lol (psssst...check out his name...!)
> Sorry...I will just slink right off......going away now...


Porkchop, I think you should just try again. Anyone odd enough to call herself (himself?) "Porkchop" is probably weird enough to fit right into this thread just fine.


P.S. Santa, I hope you won't hold the murder accusation against me next time I have a question I need to ask.


----------



## Paul Fannin (Aug 30, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Excellent idea, Michelle. I'm hoping he's psychic too so he can tell me where to find all the things I've misplaced.
> 
> Dear Anta*
> 
> ...



Maybe your cat just doesn't like the Oregonian


----------



## Jane (Aug 30, 2006)

One of my friends wants to know why they don't make carpet in the shade "Cat Puke." Would save us all a lot of stain removal.


----------



## porkchop (Aug 30, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I've sorry about the misunderstanding, Mr.Chop. My name is CLEAR (rhymes with Chanticleer) not CLAUS. You are right that this is a forum and a place to talk and ask questions, but we cannot choose our own Santa Claus (even if the name is quite similar.)
> 
> I certainly hope you're having a great summer and again, I wish you the best for Labor Day.


So you are saying that you don't want my list??? lol
Sorry about that....I will recheck the phone book....
By the way...that is Miss Chop......


----------



## Timberwolf (Aug 30, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Are you sure it wasn't death by "allegorical reaction," Timber? Maybe Santa was deep in rich imagery, approaching the "aha!" moment of some half-understandable story, and she just toppled over, overcome. Could be he's blaming the kid instead. I think we should examine this a little deeper. CSI wouldn't buy that story of his at face value.


Well, it was his son that told me the complete story, not Santa....
Why, do you think, the boy ran away? He was in shock after she collapsed due to his biting.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 1, 2006)

Esme said:


> School starts again in a few days and I was wondering if you had any tips on handling my high school students more effectively.
> Any words of Santa-y wisdom will be greatly appreciated.
> Sincerley,
> Esme- Queen of Iceland



That's cool, Esme, I didn't know you did that!  

I'm sorry but you might have to play hardball with them this year. I've heard this year's kids might be a very bad crop indeed.  (What a load of crop!) Lay down the law, don't hesitate to show them who's boss, you know, "spare the rod, golden rule, no child left behind" and all that. Absolutely no pit bulls, cell phones or guns in class. Or if you have to compromise, no pit bulls at least. (Their growling can be distracting.)

Tell them your family lived in Iraq during the Gulf War and you had to walk many miles through fields of burning oil every day to get to school. Also it's probably NOT a good idea to mention this Queen of Iceland thing.

Good luck, Esme! I bet you're a fine teacher.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 1, 2006)

Zandoz said:


> My best advice for handling high school students would include layered clothing (HAZMAT suit over body armor)...protective earware...and very large tongs.



What are the tongs for, Zandoz?


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 1, 2006)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Anta,
> Why does no one love me in this thread  It makes me quite sad.



Misty. Sweetheart.  

Now, you know that we all love you very much. :wubu: (At least, as much as people on a thread can love. I'm pretty sure everyone at least likes you!)

Now, just let Timberwolf and me hug you (you gotta watch us tho 'cos we both got "roving hands") and make it all better. :kiss2: K honey? :wubu: :bow:


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 1, 2006)

ripley said:


> Yes, he can match his socks. One might go so far as to call him a sock-matching aficionado. Sometimes he even wears one on his...well, never mind.
> I've been reluctant to tell you this, Michelle....but YOU are the mother of Anta's love child. It was during that coma you were in in '95, after that Tilt-a-Whirl incident at the Escanaba State Fair. A group of us came to visit you in the hospital...we walked in on a nurse giving you a sponge bath. Unfortunately, at that exact moment Anta slipped on a banana peel in the hallway, and fell...um...er..._against_ you. It was just fate that on that day he was only wearing *two* socks. But, I'm pleased to tell you that they did indeed match. They were white tube socks with blue stripes. I thought it was weird with Birkenstocks, but they matched, and that seems to be your sticking point, so...
> We've all been scared to tell you about your mollusk-y progeny. But just think...now that I've matched you and Anta, you can find your son and have a little ready-made family!
> Oh, I do so love a happy ending!
> ...





Michelle said:


> Now wait just one darned minute. Who is actually that thing's mom? You mean, you took him from me while I was still out cold and told him he had a different mom? Do you realize that could be what his problem is? Do you realize how much damage that must have done to him (although I admit, had I tried to raise him, I might have gotten bit and died)?
> I really and truly can't believe all the crap that has gone on regarding this. Ripley knowing what happened and never telling me. The Hornbate Anta taking the boy and trying to raise him with his now dead wife. Look how he turned out? Had I been involved things could be totally different.
> WHATEVER!



Well, I've put off dealing with this as long as I could, but I feel at last it's time that I come clean and try to lay at least a few of the ugly rumors to rest.

Yes, that thing is my son. Yes, I was wearing white tube socks, just two and they did match. And yes, I slipped on the banana peel that the spongebath nurse had discarded (thoughtless hussy!) which nearly _catapulted_ me um, against you.

But Michelle, you looked so beautiful there laying in that hospital bed. :smitten: Sure, you were kinda banged up, bruised and in a coma.  But beautiful. Once I was up against you I could hardly help myself! :doh: 

Thing is, Ripley and the others _cheered_!  (The sickos!) They told me you were already dead and it wouldn't matter. *weeping* 

Now there's the child. We have no way of knowing if you're really the mother. Is it normal for a mother to carry a child for 11 years and then give birth to a mollusk? Probably not. (They told me the delivery was hard.) It's unlikely you would be pregnant 11 years and not know it. And how could you forget like that one?

Still, a lot of Ripley's story rings true. If I could only remember who the mother was it would save us all a lot of grief and heartache.


----------



## Jane (Sep 1, 2006)

I may have found a clue:









Note the shell.....






further shell evidence....


----------



## Esme (Sep 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Now there's the child. We have no way of knowing if you're really the mother. Is it normal for a mother to carry a child for 11 years and then give birth to a mollusk? Probably not. (They told me the delivery was hard.) It's unlikely you would be pregnant 11 years and not know it. And how could you forget like that one?




Stranger things have happened I suppose. I have never heard of a maternity test, but one may exist. 

To me this all sounds like "A Very Special Springer Show"

Sweeps week here we come!

Jerry... Jerry.... Jerry.... Jerry.....


----------



## Zandoz (Sep 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Absolutely no pit bulls, cell phones or guns in class. Or if you have to compromise, no pit bulls at least. (Their growling can be distracting.)



Puppyzilla would like to register a protest: 

View attachment Puppyzilla.JPG


----------



## Zandoz (Sep 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> What are the tongs for, Zandoz?



To handle their homework assignments <shudder>


----------



## Esme (Sep 1, 2006)

Zandoz said:


> To handle their homework assignments <shudder>




How cute. You think they do homework. Awwwwwwwwww! LOL


----------



## Zandoz (Sep 1, 2006)

Not really...but it's better to be prepared just in case. They could also come in handy for those pesky ticking apples they sometimes leave on your desk...you never know, the bomb squad may be busy down the hall.


----------



## rainyday (Sep 1, 2006)

Paul Fannin said:


> Maybe your cat just doesn't like the Oregonian



His head does sort of list to the right when he hacks. Next time I'll try the Tribune!


----------



## Jane (Sep 1, 2006)

Esme said:


> How cute. You think they do homework. Awwwwwwwwww! LOL


If they do it, you have to grade it. Be thankful for small favors.


----------



## Michelle (Sep 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> But Michelle, you looked so beautiful there laying in that hospital bed. :smitten: Sure, you were kinda banged up, bruised and in a coma.  But beautiful. Once I was up against you I could hardly help myself! :doh:


 
Hornbate..


----------



## Michelle (Sep 1, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Still, a lot of Ripley's story rings true. If I could only remember who the mother was it would save us all a lot of grief and heartache.


 
I have decided I'm not the mom and therefore, do not care what happens to the mollusk. I will be posting a receipe for geoduck chowder on the foodee board in the near future. Since the critter is in Michigan, I'm going to russle up some friends to go get him. He'll be going to the great mollusk heaven very soon. I'll freeze some for you and Cousin Wolf.


----------



## Timberwolf (Sep 1, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I have decided I'm not the mom and therefore, do not care what happens to the mollusk. I will be posting a receipe for geoduck chowder on the foodee board in the near future. Since the critter is in Michigan, I'm going to russle up some friends to go get him. He'll be going to the great mollusk heaven very soon. I'll freeze some for you and Cousin Wolf.


Sorry, no seafoody meals for me...

By the way, I've found a solution for our "little" mollusk problem... 
(As far as we can call a 100 ft. long geoduck little...)

Michelle, I'd say you'd call your friends to collect some tons of mollusk meat - don't forget to order some trucks... Head for an airbase where a hangar has been blown away by a big bang... 

Santa, if you want to contact your son, just give me a howl... He'll be at my house by tomorrow.


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## MisticalMisty (Sep 1, 2006)

Dear Anta,

What should I take for a streak of bad luck? Gin and tonic just won't do.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 2, 2006)

What about some hot chocolate with a little rum in it?


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## Esme (Sep 2, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I have decided I'm not the mom and therefore, do not care what happens to the mollusk. I will be posting a receipe for geoduck chowder on the foodee board in the near future. Since the critter is in Michigan, I'm going to russle up some friends to go get him. He'll be going to the great mollusk heaven very soon. I'll freeze some for you and Cousin Wolf.



Michelle, if you bring the chowder, I'll bring a salad and some corn bread... or would you prefer a baguette???

Maybe Timberwolf will bring a bottle of wine. What goes with Santa's son??? White or red?


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## activistfatgirl (Sep 2, 2006)

If any mollusk wrastlin' happens in Southeast Michigan, count me in. I won't be able to help with the...err....you know...being a vegetarian and all.

I bet a red wine will do, and if invited to dinner, I'll bring a salad and a Merlot. But I'm pretty broke, so it'll be a $7 bottle.


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## MisticalMisty (Sep 2, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> What about some hot chocolate with a little rum in it?


Sounds good..but still no good


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## Esme (Sep 2, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> If any mollusk wrastlin' happens in Southeast Michigan, count me in. I won't be able to help with the...err....you know...being a vegetarian and all.
> 
> I bet a red wine will do, and if invited to dinner, I'll bring a salad and a Merlot. But I'm pretty broke, so it'll be a $7 bottle.




Merlot and mollusks... it's a deal!

How about chocolate cake for desert?:eat2:


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## Timberwolf (Sep 2, 2006)

Esme said:


> Merlot and mollusks... it's a deal!
> 
> How about chocolate cake for desert?:eat2:


I'd suggest Mousse au Chocolat as a matching dessert...


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## Timberwolf (Sep 2, 2006)

MisticalMisty said:


> Sounds good..but still no good


Perhaps it wasn't enough rum... Did you think of the whipped cream on top?


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## porkchop (Sep 2, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Perhaps it wasn't enough rum... Did you think of the whipped cream on top?


Screw it! Just alternate shots of whipped cream and rum....everything will be fine in the morning!:shocked:


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> OK, I forgot about that biting story. But I know he had been very sorry (and sad - he called her mom...) about hearing of her passing... It wasn't intended. She somehow inadvertently hurt him, and you know how these young things are... more reflex than thinking... I'd guess she died of an allergical reaction...



What do you mean she hurt him? I was there! She didn't do ANYTHING to hurt him!  It was right after dinner. Gladys was sitting and reading in the living room as usual, the baby on her lap. Everything seemed peaceful. She was kinda idly petting him (he was only 4 days old at that point) and I think I could even hear it kinda purring. Suddenly I hear a yell (Gladys), then a loud roar (the boy.) Then the thing REARED up, biting nearly half her face off! :shocked: :shocked: :doh:  

There was so much blood, Cousin Wolf. It was horrible.



Timberwolf said:


> And about all those officials after him... Well, let's say it like this: It is some kind of disease among police, military and so on that they have to hunt down things that are different...
> Nuclear tests, you say? Oh, my, it's depressing how out of town these people are... No wonder he's growing on! :doh: :shocked:
> But maybe there is hope... It will take some time to find out, though.



I hope you're right about this. The kid escaped while the cops and vet were here and I was making my report. I've always said to give the boy more time. He needs time. Time to come clean. To make amends for what he's done. He's still so young and has his whole life ahead of him. (Not sure how long those things live though.)

(Note: This pic shows the kid in happier times, well, in Germany, after he killed Gladys but before he returned to the U.S. and was captured by the authorities. He's being held up by "JoJo", the world's tallest man at over 110 feet tall.) 

View attachment man with child.jpeg


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## Timberwolf (Sep 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> What do you mean she hurt him? I was there! She didn't do ANYTHING to hurt him!  It was right after dinner. Gladys was sitting and reading in the living room as usual, the baby on her lap. Everything seemed peaceful. She was kinda idly petting him (he was only 4 days old at that point) and I think I could even hear it kinda purring. Suddenly I hear a yell (Gladys), then a loud roar (the boy.) Then the thing REARED up, biting nearly half her face off! :shocked: :shocked: :doh:
> 
> There was so much blood, Cousin Wolf. It was horrible.


Well, colour your son shocked. He promises me under tears he didn't bite her face off. He'd never done that to the woman he called (and still calls) his mom. 
Did Gladys have any bite-marks on her left hand?

BTW, to me, your boy was way too small to bite off half a face in one bite at that time, which leads me to the conclusion that there may have been an other geoduck killing your poor wife. I'd suppose, you'd better be careful, for it might still be around. 
*And don't forget, your son is with me over here in germany and will stay here by my side, no matter what will happen.*


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

In light of my last post about my late wife getting half her face bit off by that little monster I should mention that this had no connection with Rainyday's sad accident earlier in the thread (page 16) where her cats, unable to get any food from the 100-pound Kibble Dribble Dropper Popper(c)(tm) Michelle had recommended Rainy wear (in an otherwise brilliant stroke to get the cats to "herd" behind her), chewed half of Rainy's face off while she lay unconscious on the floor for 3 days after tripping over one of them.

Rainy, it's been heartbreaking and such a long road back but with all the skin grafts and therapy you've healed quite nicely and made that journey in record time! I saw a shot of you taken at the Vegas bash and you looked great! What an amazing and inspiring story.  :bow:


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Well, colour your son shocked. He promises me under tears he didn't bite her face off. He'd never done that to the woman he called (and still calls) his mom.
> Did Gladys have any bite-marks on her left hand?
> BTW, to me, your boy was way too small to bite off half a face in one bite at that time, which leads me to the conclusion that there may have been an other geoduck killing your poor wife. I'd suppose, you'd better be careful, for it might still be around.
> *And don't forget, your son is with me over here in germany and will stay here by my side, no matter what will happen.*



Don't forget I was there, Timberwolf. I heard Gladys scream and turned just in time to see the kid roar, then rear back and consume half my terrified wife's face in one bite. It was unbelievable! Take a look at this pic. Now, you can't see the teeth in this one but would you want to be bitten by that when it's teeth do come out? And they let out this little blood curdling roar, kinda like a frightened elephant, just before they attack.

I still think the boy should come clean, admit he's done wrong, be done with it and come home to live with his father. What do you mean he's in Germany? He's at that military base in South Michigan, I talked to one of the priests this evening. (There are four of them now.) Are you in Michigan, Wolf?


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

Friday said:


> I'm sorry Michelle. I had no idea when I made the chowder comment.



No harm done, Friday.  The chowder idea is a good one and we should still keep it on the back burner, so to speak, while we wait for this drama to play out.


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Are you sure it wasn't death by "allegorical reaction," Timber? Maybe Santa was deep in rich imagery, approaching the "aha!" moment of some half-understandable story, and she just toppled over, overcome. Could be he's blaming the kid instead. I think we should examine this a little deeper. CSI wouldn't buy that story of his at face value.
> P.S. Santa, I hope you won't hold the murder accusation against me next time I have a question I need to ask.



Interesting theory, Rainy. Of course I would never hold that against you. 

While one shrink did suggest I might be experiencing "Geoduck Transference" (due to my unfounded fears in childhood that my mother maybe had dated a geoduck) I can assure you that's not the case. There was so much blood, the crime scene was a _mess._ All the authorities - cops, medical and later military people seemed familiar with this geoduck thing - their first priority seemed to be get Gladys' body the hell outta there, then clean the place up so no one could tell what happened. They warned me repeatedly to tell no one but after a couple weeks I was worried sick so I started blabbing about it here.


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

Paul Fannin said:


> Maybe your cat just doesn't like the Oregonian



I think you're giving the cat too much credit, Paul. (Not to say he's not a great cat.) Rainy's cats are very liberal but tend to vote for whoever gives them food.


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

Jane said:


> One of my friends wants to know why they don't make carpet in the shade "Cat Puke." Would save us all a lot of stain removal.



Good question, Jane. Not sure if I've wondered that. 

Maybe there's a good reason for them not making it. Or maybe the feline lobbyists in Washington won't let it happen 'cos that might take away some of cat puke's power.


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## Santaclear (Sep 3, 2006)

Jane said:


> I may have found a clue:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



That's great, Jane, finally a breakthrough in this case!

So this points to um, Somewhat Immaculate Geoduck Conception. (With Canoodle on the side, from the other thread.) How divine! A lot of questions remain unanswered but at least this goes some way toward explaining the birth of the boy.


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## Ericthonius (Sep 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> ...So this points to um, Somewhat Immaculate Geoduck Conception. (With Canoodle on the side, from the other thread.) How divine! A lot of questions remain unanswered but at least this goes some way toward explaining the birth of the boy.




As far as the "_Immaculate_", part? I'm not so sure any more after this was forwarded to me from those in the know:






That boardwalk looks pretty soiled to me. I'm also not too sure as to who is conceptioning whom here. And another question: Is _this_ the imfamous Canoodle?


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## Timberwolf (Sep 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Don't forget I was there, Timberwolf. I heard Gladys scream and turned just in time to see the kid roar, then rear back and consume half my terrified wife's face in one bite. It was unbelievable! Take a look at this pic. Now, you can't see the teeth in this one but would you want to be bitten by that when it's teeth do come out? And they let out this little blood curdling roar, kinda like a frightened elephant, just before they attack.


It's too bad we couldn't ask Gladys for what she saw...  (Maybe I should ask my grandma if...)
Your boy swears by his life that he didn't chew her face off. He just bit her in the hand, without roaring.

I know he speaks the truth... I got possibilities to get proof of the truth which would make your officials kill each other just to get hold of them...



Santaclear said:


> What do you mean he's in Germany? He's at that military base in South Michigan, I talked to one of the priests this evening. (There are four of them now.) Are you in Michigan, Wolf?


What would you say if I told you that these priests get their paychecks from the Agency? (OK, actually, I told you...)
Didn't you hear something strange while talkig to them (like, as if a radio was running in the background)? He didn't sound somewhat nervous?

Yes, your boy is at my home in germany, just like me. Not that big anymore and looking a little bit more human, but it's him. *imagine a little boy waving hands*

Do you remember my explaining his first arrival in germany?

You told me they'd be running several nuclear tests with him.
All this radioactivity caused an overflow of radio quantums, which lead into a radio-blast. This blast blew away an entire hangar at the airbase and the 102ft.-geoduck-"coocoon", spreading it across a circle with a diameter of about fifty miles - there will be a lot of Michigainians eating geoduck chowder today...
Well, and in the center of this blast appeared a portal that lead him to me.
*imagine a little boy waving hands*
Sorry, I can't post pics, but he's still full of radio quantums. That causes an incredible glow in digital imaging, so you'd only see a big light...


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## Timberwolf (Sep 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> There was so much blood, the crime scene was a _mess._ All the authorities - cops, medical and later military people seemed familiar with this geoduck thing - their first priority seemed to be get Gladys' body the hell outta there, then clean the place up so no one could tell what happened. They warned me repeatedly to tell no one but after a couple weeks I was worried sick so I started blabbing about it here.


Good you told it to us! :bow:
This was the clue I needed to get this riddle solved.
You'd really better be careful, for there is an other geoduck out there - a killer machine , trained by a secret service that is so secret that even its members don't know it exists... :doh: 
Their base is somewhere near your home, but even I can't find out where exactly... 
Be careful, do you hear me?


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## Michelle (Sep 3, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I have some questions for you (this WAS an advice column thread, right?):

1) How do you get a thread that has spiraled out of control back to its original purpose? See, there is this thread on Dim that has gone off in this direction that is surely going to kill it. Im sure a lot of the posts are going to scare good people away because of the violent and disgusting subject matter. Not to mention the pictures in it  truly frightening. So, do you have any advice on this matter?

2) What should I wear to my class reunion?

3) What do the words cuspidor and onomatopoeia mean and are they relevant to your life?

Thanks in advance, Anta!


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## rainyday (Sep 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> In light of my last post about my late wife getting half her face bit off by that little monster I should mention that this had no connection with Rainyday's sad accident earlier in the thread (page 16) where her cats...chewed half of Rainy's face off while she lay unconscious on the floor for 3 days after tripping over one of them.


Whew! I thought the next installment in the story was going to reveal that *I* was your late wife and surrogate mother to that hideous killer mollus. That would mean I'm really dead, but not understanding that I am and still wandering this world by mistake. Good thing you clarified that because I was just heading off to enroll in "Haunting for fun and pleasure (for those who've not yet crossed over)" at the local community college. Caught me just in time.



Santaclear said:


> Rainy, it's been heartbreaking and such a long road back but with all the skin grafts and therapy you've healed quite nicely and made that journey in record time! I saw a shot of you taken at the Vegas bash and you looked great! What an amazing and inspiring story.  :bow:


Amazing what they can do with Silly Putty® these days, isn't it? If you look closely, the whole thing is held together with a weave of goat sinews and hawk talons for structure. On second thought, better not do that because up close it looks kind of gross.


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## Aliena (Sep 3, 2006)

Santa is it to late to get involved in this thread?? I'll admit I've not read each and every page, let alone the posts contained in this beast of a thread, but would so like to be able to participate.

My first statement is one of warning. Michelle isn't who she really says she is. Her name is really Mally and the 2 birds she lives with are her parents. They adopted her when her mallard duck parents were shot one Thanksgiving holiday. (or was it Christmas?)
Now memo and mome are good parents really, but Mally is incorrigible, (because she is a much bigger bird) in that she takes charge of the two-feathery loves that have fed and nurtured her from an egglet. 

Her birdrents are hurt, somewhat, because this reunion she is talking about is a mallard reunion and they feel a wee bit betrayed that she is taking the best worms to the party. (I've heard that they've begun snooping on her computer to see if she is talking smack about them, even going as far as reading the boards here at Dimensions.)

I was wondering if you had any advice to give me that I could pass onto memo and mome at how to control Mally, better known here as Michelle. It would be great relief and bring much pleasure to see Mally back in her play area, hanging upside down on her swing, asking for a crwacker. 


Thanks in advance!


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## Timberwolf (Sep 3, 2006)

If one hadn't got the feeling everything's out of control before, *now* should be the time to panic...


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## Ericthonius (Sep 3, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> If one hadn't got the feeling everything's out of control before, *now* should be the time to panic...



If you'll alllow me Brother Wolf, to correct your typo:

"_*Now, should be the time to PICNIC*_."

There, that's better. 

Thanks for letting me be of service.

We now return you to your current surrealist fugue, already in progress...


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## Timberwolf (Sep 3, 2006)

Well, I'm awfully sorry to say so, but the picnic has ben cancelled.

The officials are sure that it now is time to panic. They called out panic level two right in this moment...

I would have preferred picnic level tow, either. But as I asked, they said, "No, it's time to panic, not picnic!"

So... *shrugs and makes a sad face*


* RUN! Run for your life! No matter why!*


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## Ericthonius (Sep 4, 2006)

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that it is time to panic. This is a new state of being for me and do not know what to wear for a panic event. Is it possible that you can advise me as to the 5 W's of the proper way to panic?

Your ever thankful and inquiring reader,

-Ericthonius


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## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I have decided I'm not the mom and therefore, do not care what happens to the mollusk. I will be posting a receipe for geoduck chowder on the foodee board in the near future. Since the critter is in Michigan, I'm going to russle up some friends to go get him. He'll be going to the great mollusk heaven very soon. I'll freeze some for you and Cousin Wolf.



I will not tolerate this vendetta against my mollusk, er, son, Michelle. There's already plenty of dinner in Michigan.


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## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

Esme said:


> Michelle, if you bring the chowder, I'll bring a salad and some corn bread... or would you prefer a baguette???
> Maybe Timberwolf will bring a bottle of wine. What goes with Santa's son??? White or red?



Esme, you're not being a very good friend to my boy. That kid has taken a real shine to you. Is this what Michigan is really like?


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

MisticalMisty said:


> What should I take for a streak of bad luck? Gin and tonic just won't do.



You mean you WANT bad luck or you're trying to end a streak? For bad luck I'd say take crystal meth or PCP. To end the streak try Bromo Seltzer, maybe a puff of weed and lots of sleep. :bow:


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## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> As far as the "_Immaculate_", part? I'm not so sure any more after this was forwarded to me from those in the know:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You're right, Eric, there's nothing very immaculate about this photo. That is indeed a (limp) canoodle, but probably not the "original" one that started all the lovin' on Ripley's "Random Singles" thread. 

The important thing is this guy seems to be enjoying himself. (I'm not sure if the canoodle is, they're hard to read.)


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## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Your boy swears by his life that he didn't chew her face off. He just bit her in the hand, without roaring.



That kid is lying. I was there and he definitely did tear her face off, after roaring.



Timberwolf said:


> I know he speaks the truth... I got possibilities to get proof of the truth which would make your officials kill each other just to get hold of them...
> What would you say if I told you that these priests get their paychecks from the Agency? (OK, actually, I told you...)
> Didn't you hear something strange while talking to them (like, as if a radio was running in the background)? He didn't sound somewhat nervous?
> Yes, your boy is at my home in germany, just like me. Not that big anymore and looking a little bit more human, but it's him. *imagine a little boy waving hands*
> ...



This is very confusing to me, Timberwolf. I enjoyed your story but where is the boy? You say you have him with you in Germany but then Esme, Michelle and Friday are getting ready to eat him in Michigan (and ActivistFG will hang out with them but not eat the geoduck 'cos she's vegetarian.) 

Their dinner sounds tempting, I must admit. Geoduck, Merlot, the company of lovely ladies and chocolate cake for dessert (you suggested Mousse au Chocolat as a matching dessert - a great idea, but one more reason I'm not believing the boy is with you in Germany.)


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Good you told it to us! :bow:
> This was the clue I needed to get this riddle solved.
> You'd really better be careful, for there is an other geoduck out there - a killer machine , trained by a secret service that is so secret that even its members don't know it exists... :doh:
> Their base is somewhere near your home, but even I can't find out where exactly...
> Be careful, do you hear me?



The more you talk, the better that dinner in Michigan sounds. I'm being careful though.


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## Friday (Sep 5, 2006)

So what would go best with the chowder Santa, a tender, golden, scratch cornbread or lots of french bread with my special garlic butter (roasted garlic and shallots, fresh parmesan, parsley and fresh cracked pepper in the butter)?


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## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2006)

Michelle said:


> 1) How do you get a thread that has spiraled out of control back to its original purpose? See, there is this thread on Dim that has gone off in this direction that is surely going to kill it. Im sure a lot of the posts are going to scare good people away because of the violent and disgusting subject matter. Not to mention the pictures in it  truly frightening. So, do you have any advice on this matter?[/FONT][/COLOR]



Surely you don't mean your wonderful "Self Image" thread, do you, Michelle? http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11473
I found the pictures of all the women beautiful and had to hold myself back from asking for ass pics. Sure, one or two of the women have had WLS, that's a little violent in a way.



Michelle said:


> 2) What should I wear to my class reunion?



Here, I chose this lovely dress, tiara and bracelet ensemble for you as worn by Joan Rivers, everyone's friend. That material will really hug your curves, just get it in your size and I guarantee you'll look smashing! Have fun!  

View attachment Joan-Rivers-bh01.jpg


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## jamie (Sep 5, 2006)

My sincerest condolences on the chowdering of your loin fruit (the lovely geoduck you helped to spawn of course.)


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## Timberwolf (Sep 5, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> That kid is lying. I was there and he definitely did tear her face off, after roaring.


This should be cleared with my other post...



Santaclear said:


> This is very confusing to me, Timberwolf. I enjoyed your story but where is the boy? You say you have him with you in Germany but then Esme, Michelle and Friday are getting ready to eat him in Michigan (and ActivistFG will hang out with them but not eat the geoduck 'cos she's vegetarian.)


Well, the geoduck part of him, these about 102 feet of geoduck, is spread around in southern MI...
But, hidden inside of this giant mollusk, there was a young, human looking lad - like in a living coocoon, you know... And this young guy is here with me in germany. And he looks a bit like the pic in your profile.



Santaclear said:


> Their dinner sounds tempting, I must admit. Geoduck, Merlot, the company of lovely ladies and chocolate cake for dessert (you suggested Mousse au Chocolat as a matching dessert - a great idea, but one more reason I'm not believing the boy is with you in Germany.)


See answer above... BTW, If this killer geoduck should be showing up again, his weak spot is the area where this trunk-like looking part comes out of the shell...


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## snuggletiger (Sep 5, 2006)

Dear Santa,
what is so great about diamonds? other then cutting other rocks?


----------



## Esme (Sep 5, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Esme, you're not being a very good friend to my boy. That kid has taken a real shine to you. Is this what Michigan is really like?




I understand your paternal concern... I'm just rather attached to my face. AntaSon has a penchant for eating them, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather stay attached to mine. Chowder as self-defense.... I think it would hold up in court.

As far as whether this is what Michigan is really like, it IS if one cheats at euchre... and there have been some "incidents". The boy needs fatherly guidance!

I do have a question though, since, as Michelle pointed out, this IS an advice column...

Is it or is it not okay to wear white after Labor Day? Traditionalists say no, but TLC's "What Not to Wear" says it's okay. Who should I believe Santa? (other than you, of course)


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## Friday (Sep 5, 2006)

Loin fruit.


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## Santaclear (Sep 7, 2006)

Michelle said:


> 3) What do the words cuspidor and onomatopoeia mean and are they relevant to your life?



Definition of cuspidor stolen from the the Web:
_*spittoon: a receptacle for spit (usually in a public place)_

Disturbing question, Michelle.

I can't say I've ever found cuspidors very compelling. I'd like to see them used more in ads, not just ads for cuspidors, mind you, but say cosmetics, food, clothing etc. ads in newspapers or TV. You could have the pretty person talking into the camera about the product being sold, then turn and let loose a nasty hocker or looge into the spitoon, wipe their mouth and continue talking about the product. It would lend an air of gritty reality to the ad that's sorely lacking in most advertising today.

Definitions of onomatopoeia ripped off from the Internet:
_*The use of words which imitate sound, such as hiss, slam, buzz, screech, whir, crush, sizzle, plop, crunch, wring, wrench, gouge, grind, mangle, bang, blam, pow, zap, fizz, urp, roar, growl, blip, click, whimper, and, of course, snap, crackle, and pop. ..._

Would the plural then be "onomatopoeia" or "onomatopoeias"? Either way, they ROCK!!  *devil sign*


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## Santaclear (Sep 9, 2006)

Aliena said:


> Santa is it too late to get involved in this thread??



I've often asked myself that same question when posting on this thread, Aliena. Too late? Well, everything's relative. Maybe the thread itself is too late. If so, we're all late. 



Aliena said:


> My first statement is one of warning. Michelle isn't who she really says she is. Her name is really Mally and the 2 birds she lives with are her parents. They adopted her when her mallard duck parents were shot one Thanksgiving holiday. (or was it Christmas?)
> Now memo and mome are good parents really, but Mally is incorrigible, (because she is a much bigger bird) in that she takes charge of the two-feathery loves that have fed and nurtured her from an egglet.
> Her birdrents are hurt, somewhat, because this reunion she is talking about is a mallard reunion and they feel a wee bit betrayed that she is taking the best worms to the party. (I've heard that they've begun snooping on her computer to see if she is talking smack about them, even going as far as reading the boards here at Dimensions.)
> I was wondering if you had any advice to give me that I could pass onto memo and mome at how to control Mally, better known here as Michelle. It would be great relief and bring much pleasure to see Mally back in her play area, hanging upside down on her swing, asking for a crwacker.



This is one of those "hmmm" things, Aliena. While I might be coaxed into believing that Michelle's name is really "Mally", she's posted a few photos of herself here and there around the boards. Those photos appear consistent and in them she looks distinctly unducklike. So it's hard to believe her parents were mallards. Sure, the birds are jealous and want to bring Michelle back to the play area, that part I believe. (Also the cracker part.) Are you sure you aren't somehow mistaken?


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 9, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> If one hadn't got the feeling everything's out of control before, *now* should be the time to panic...



Perhaps you're right, Wolf. Usually people try NOT to panic but with events spiralling so out of control here (as well as on Michelle's "Chowder" thread, which is a distinct threat on my son's life) maybe panic is the only sane response.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 9, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> It has come to my attention that it is time to panic. This is a new state of being for me and do not know what to wear for a panic event. Is it possible that you can advise me as to the 5 W's of the proper way to panic?



Good questions, Eric. Just like in heavy lifting and practically everything else, there's a right and wrong way to do it. First thing is to get out of the house, into the street with the other panicking people. Run. The beauty of panic is you don't HAVE to prepare, it's more like it just hits you and sweeps you like a wave. Once you're in the crowd you'll feel it. Run with them. Doesn't matter if you're half dressed. Start yelling. No one will hear you, they're all yelling too. Wave your arms. You might feel hormones and emotions sweeping through the crowd. Yell more. Run, first in one direction, then another.

*The five W's of panic:*
Wide eyes
Weird
Whine
Wall of people moving quickly
Wanna get away

See you there! :bow:


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## Santaclear (Sep 9, 2006)

Friday said:


> So what would go best with the chowder Santa, a tender, golden, scratch cornbread or lots of french bread with my special garlic butter (roasted garlic and shallots, fresh parmesan, parsley and fresh cracked pepper in the butter)?



Man, that french bread with your garlic butter sounds GREAT, Friday! :eat2:


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## rainyday (Sep 9, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> The beauty of panic is you don't HAVE to prepare, it's more like it just hits you and sweeps you like a wave.:



Dear Anta,

This may be one of the most moving, expertly worded things I've ever read. So I've decided to steal it. (See below.) 

With sincere awe for your profundity,

rainy

[size=-2]P.S. If you require residuals, please have your lawyer contact my lawyer. We'll let them go through a few increasingly heated exchanges about ceasing and desisting, they'll bill us both exhorbitant amounts of money without bothering to itemize anything and, if you still sound really serious, I'll stop using it. [/size]


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## Friday (Sep 10, 2006)

Then maybe we'll have both. 

That butter is pretty good dolloped on hot pasta too btw.


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## Michelle (Sep 10, 2006)

Dear Anta:

Will you marry me and bear my children?

Thanks!


----------



## ripley (Sep 10, 2006)

I want to be invited to the wedding!


The births...not so much.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 10, 2006)

ripley said:


> I want to be invited to the wedding!


Maybe we can get witnesses...


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## Friday (Sep 10, 2006)

To the wedding? Or the Anta giving birth part?


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## Frankie (Sep 10, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Michelle tells me that this an advice thread, so here's my situation: last week during an important and chi-chi business dinner, unrefined me mistook the finger bowl for a serving of bland consomme. My dinner companions were aghast, but I hoped my feigned confidence would help disguise my gaffe. What would you have done in a similar situation? How does one recover from such an error? 

Thanks,
F.


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## rainyday (Sep 10, 2006)

Frankie, I think your post proves you'll fit in perfectly in this thread. And don't feel bad. As a teen, a friend of mine washed her hands in a bowl of holy water at the entrance a cathedral in Rome because she thought that's what it was there for.


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## Frankie (Sep 10, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Frankie, I think your post proves you'll fit in perfectly in this thread. And don't feel bad. As a teen, a friend of mine washed her hands in a bowl of holy water at the entrance a cathedral in Rome because she thought that's what it was there for.



Reminds me of when I was nine and at a friend's house. We stood in her parents' bathroom and tried to guess what that contraption was next to the toilet. Something to wash your feet in? A really short drinking fountain? It was a bidet, and thank God we did NOT try to drink from it, LOL.


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## Renaissance Woman (Sep 10, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I have a huge crush on someone who posts on a web board I frequent. What, if anything, can I do to get his attention?

Also, I feel compelled to ask advice from someone who's got some weird geoduck kid and there's some big long back story about him that at this point bores me. Is this the right person to trust with my life problems and give me good advice?

Thanks,
-Crushin' in College Station


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## Esme (Sep 10, 2006)

Dear Anta,

I need your help desperately. I think I've developed a Dibs dependency and I don't know what to do.

Can you help? Please????


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## Timberwolf (Sep 11, 2006)

Friday said:


> To the wedding? Or the Anta giving birth part?


The wedding...


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## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

jamie said:


> My sincerest condolences on the chowdering of your loin fruit (the lovely geoduck you helped to spawn of course.)



Thank you, sweet Jamie.


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## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Well, the geoduck part of him, these about 102 feet of geoduck, is spread around in southern MI...
> But, hidden inside of this giant mollusk, there was a young, human looking lad - like in a living coocoon, you know... And this young guy is here with me in germany. And he looks a bit like the pic in your profile.
> See answer above... BTW, If this killer geoduck should be showing up again, his weak spot is the area where this trunk-like looking part comes out of the shell...



I'm tired of arguing with you, Timberwolf, we might have to agree to disagree on this. Perhaps the boy needs to be killed off in order that something more healthy can grow. 

Should he be eaten? HappyFatChick and the Bible both say no. But Michelle's chowder recipe sounds good (ActivistFatGirl said she would hurl, however) and Friday and Esme also had good ideas for the supper.

At this point everyone seems so divided (even Esme is sick of the boy's shenanigans) that maybe it's best to just wait and see. If the kid comes home, maybe I'll raise him, maybe I'll eat him. If he stays in Michigan with the priests, the Marines and his friends then maybe the ladies will get a crack at him and we can meet there for chowder. Or if he's really in Germany or decides to go there you can guide him in doing what the German (giant) mollusks do. I have a feeling he'd be good at soccer.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

snuggletiger said:


> what is so great about diamonds? other then cutting other rocks?



Well, I always heard they're a girl's best friend. Not sure why. Maybe because they can be cashed in for pretty good money when a girl is financially strapped? They are beautiful but then again so are roses and many other things. The process by which diamonds are made from coal is amazing. But I'm with you, Tiger, they're a bit overpriced.


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## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

Esme said:


> I'm just rather attached to my face. AntaSon has a penchant for eating them, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather stay attached to mine. Chowder as self-defense.... I think it would hold up in court.



I understand completely, Esme. You've been very patient. 



Esme said:


> Is it or is it not okay to wear white after Labor Day? Traditionalists say no, but TLC's "What Not to Wear" says it's okay. Who should I believe, Santa?



That's the first I've heard of that rule. I googled and found, _"Southern girls know bad manners when they see them," and a clear sign of bad manners is wearing white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day."_

On the other hand a different site said, _"The rules of wearing white only between Memorial Day through Labor Day no longer apply. White is wearable anytime of the year, but a question still remains - what's the best way to wear it?"_ What IS the best way?  I dunno. Most sites agree the rule is out of date. Right now I'm wearing a white t-shirt inside out (I do that a lot 'cos I hate clothes with messages or ads) so that's a big rule breaker. You'll look great in white, Esme, I was disappointed you didn't post on the "un-made-up" thread earlier today.


----------



## Timberwolf (Sep 12, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I'm tired of arguing with you, Timberwolf, we might have to agree to disagree on this. Perhaps the boy needs to be killed off in order that something more healthy can grow.
> 
> Should he be eaten? HappyFatChick and the Bible both say no. But Michelle's chowder recipe sounds good (ActivistFatGirl said she would hurl, however) and Friday and Esme also had good ideas for the supper.
> 
> At this point everyone seems so divided (even Esme is sick of the boy's shenanigans) that maybe it's best to just wait and see. If the kid comes home, maybe I'll raise him, maybe I'll eat him. If he stays in Michigan with the priests, the Marines and his friends then maybe the ladies will get a crack at him and we can meet there for chowder. Or if he's really in Germany or decides to go there you can guide him in doing what the German (giant) mollusks do. I have a feeling he'd be good at soccer.


I agree with you to end the argueing abot your son. 

My advice in this case would be that you and the girls just go and eat a nice geoduck chowder with frenchbread, friday's special butter and some red wine - a merlot will do fine (I've asked my father about it, for he's been selling wine for some time, so he knows quite a little about it...). It would be the best way to punish the boy for what he has done, no matter if he really did it or not.

In the meantime I will teach that little lad that was inside this giant mollusk, how we aliens live best in between of all the humans. BTW - you really can rely on your felings - he's a natural talent at soccer.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

rainyday said:


> This may be one of the most moving, expertly worded things I've ever read. So I've decided to steal it. (See below.)
> With sincere awe for your profundity, rainy
> [size=-2]P.S. If you require residuals, please have your lawyer contact my lawyer. We'll let them go through a few increasingly heated exchanges about ceasing and desisting, they'll bill us both exhorbitant amounts of money without bothering to itemize anything and, if you still sound really serious, I'll stop using it. [/size]



Go ahead and use it, Rainy. I'm honored (who wouldn't be?) (You're probably sick of it already anyway.)



Michelle said:


> Will you marry me and bear my children?
> Thanks!



Just like that? No courtship, no premarital sex, no pre-groping or deep kissing?

I can't help but think this post is somehow connected with Rainy's, Michelle, with her warnings and vague threats of legal wranglings and court orders. Are you two trying to trick me into admitting I gave birth to that geoduck/canoodle/giant clam thing? I didn't but you can tell that whoever did, it was very painful. Sure I'll marry you if the chemistry's right :wubu: but I can't bear your children.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

ripley said:


> I want to be invited to the wedding!
> The births...not so much.



Actually we'd probably need a lot more help for the births if they ever occur.


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## ripley (Sep 12, 2006)

Dear Anta: 

Why is Michelle, your betrothed, obsessed with spurious spittoons?


Curiously yours,

ripley


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

Frankie said:


> Michelle tells me that this an advice thread, so here's my situation: last week during an important and chi-chi business dinner, unrefined me mistook the finger bowl for a serving of bland consomme. My dinner companions were aghast, but I hoped my feigned confidence would help disguise my gaffe. What would you have done in a similar situation? How does one recover from such an error?



I did a similar thing once, Frankie, mistaking a bowl of hot mustard at a Chinese place for one of the appetizers. I just continued eating it like I knew, smiling and making light comments as best I could. Another method is to start knocking stuff over and apologizing profusely, but continue to knock over stuff and spill and apologize even more, which draws their attention away from the original gaffe.


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## swamptoad (Sep 12, 2006)

Howdy-doo thar fine ole Santaclear. ah was reckonin' of a mighty fine quesshun jest t'other day. Whuffo' does we haf so menny houn'dog gone billboards thet covah up our scenic purdyness along th' highways? ah reckon too menny billboards is tacky, take away fum th' beauty all aroun' us, an' in some cases makes varmints use their noggin a lot less. 

Cousin Toad, cuss it all t' tarnation.


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## Santaclear (Sep 12, 2006)

Renaissance Woman said:


> I have a huge crush on someone who posts on a web board I frequent. What, if anything, can I do to get his attention?



Rump pics. PM him some with a poem.



Renaissance Woman said:


> I feel compelled to ask advice from someone who's got some weird geoduck kid and there's some big long back story about him that at this point bores me. Is this the right person to trust with my life problems and give me good advice?



I would say no, especially if the story bores you. Is it someone from this forum? Let me know who it is and I'll flame him. :bow:


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## rainyday (Sep 12, 2006)

Dear Anta,

What is the evolutionary purpose of cat drool? One of my cats drools buckets of the stuff when he's cuddled and happy. Is this an adaptive response that somehow warded off predators in the wild?

Regards,

rainy

P.S. Not tired of it yet.


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## mossystate (Sep 12, 2006)

Ok

I have seen 'Anta' onmany threads, in many rooms.I have never had the patience to track down who or WHAT the fuck it is...*L*

so...umm....huh?????


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## rainyday (Sep 12, 2006)

I love when this thread confuses people, and even more when they read the thread and still can't figure it out. It's like a secret code. (Yes, Mo, I am evil.)


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## Ericthonius (Sep 12, 2006)

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that I may or may not have a posse. That is to say both I _might_ have one and conversely that I _can, in fact_ have one as well, regardless as to whether I currently posess one or not. This is the source of my profoundly confounded aspect presently as since I'm not _sure_ if I have said Posse or not, do I have the moral right to accept ownership one? If, indeed, it is discovered that I indeed do have one should it further be the case that since in fact, I _do_ have this, heretofore referred to as a hypothetical or parenthetical, _Posse_, have I the right to keep it? Is there precedent I need to cite or court of _Juris Prudence_ I must petition for the retention of same, as I was unaware of it's exsistance before it's possible, future, discovery?

-Confused in the constellation of Taurus


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## activistfatgirl (Sep 12, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> It has come to my attention that I may or may not have a posse. That is to say both I _might_ have one and conversely that I _can, in fact_ have one as well, regardless as to whether I currently posess one or not. This is the source of my profoundly confounded aspect presently as since I'm not _sure_ if I have said Posse or not, do I have the moral right to accept ownership one? If, indeed, it is discovered that I indeed do have one should it further be the case that since in fact, I _do_ have this, heretofore referred to as a hypothetical or parenthetical, _Posse_, have I the right to keep it? Is there precedent I need to cite or court of _Juris Prudence_ I must petition for the retention of same, as I was unaware of it's exsistance before it's possible, future, discovery?
> 
> -Confused in the constellation of Taurus




Stop talking and join my posse.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 12, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I love when this thread confuses people, and even more when they read the thread and still can't figure it out. It's like a secret code. (Yes, Mo, I am evil.)


Me too. *snicker*


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## Timberwolf (Sep 12, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Stop talking and join my posse.


Why don't you join my bag of beans?


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## Timberwolf (Sep 12, 2006)

Seems like a lot of people are quite _posse_ssed.
Not my fault, this time!


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## Santaclear (Sep 13, 2006)

Esme said:


> I need your help desperately. I think I've developed a Dibs dependency and I don't know what to do.
> Can you help? Please????



It's all the advertising around here, Esme, this place is LOUSY with mentionings of Dibs. Why, it's practically impossible to open a thread without hearing about them! I do hear they're pretty good though.

I suggest gradually weaning yourself off them, you know, decreasing the dose by one Dib per time. :eat1: :bow:


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## rainyday (Sep 13, 2006)

Anta, it's guerilla marketing. Clearly Michelle is a plant on the Dibs payroll. She's been doing her job quite effectively too.


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## Jane (Sep 13, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> It's all the advertising around here, Esme, this place is LOUSY with mentionings of Dibs. Why, it's practically impossible to open a thread without hearing about them! I do hear they're pretty good though.
> 
> I suggest gradually weaning yourself off them, you know, decreasing the dose by one Dib per time. :eat1: :bow:


And send them to me.


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## Esme (Sep 13, 2006)

Jane said:


> And send them to me.




Heh. Jane's got dibs on my Dibs.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 13, 2006)

It seems like we're all going dibs...


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## Jane (Sep 13, 2006)

Esme said:


> Heh. Jane's got dibs on my Dibs.


Esme, FL and I have to apologize for the overpresence of our puns on this board. I see they are rubbing off.


and Ouch.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 13, 2006)

Need some painkiller?


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## Santaclear (Sep 14, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Anta, it's guerilla marketing. Clearly Michelle is a plant on the Dibs payroll. She's been doing her job quite effectively too.



I know it, Rainy. It's insidious, isn't it? I feel she's somehow even influencing ME, subliminally, to spread the word on these Dibs (Edy's Chocolate/Chocolate) :eat2: :eat2: :wubu: without my even realizing it! (Man, these are good!) .....and that I somehow feel compelled to persuade others to buy them even though I haven't tried them myself yet. (Mmmmmm!) : :eat2: :eat2:


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## Timberwolf (Sep 14, 2006)

I haven't met these Dibs yet... 
But i surely discovered a discreet withdrawal symptom for H&#228;agen-Dasz...


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## Esme (Sep 14, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> I suggest gradually weaning yourself off them, you know, decreasing the dose by one Dib per time. :eat1: :bow:



I assume you mean one Dibs _container_....:eat2:


And yes, I do know what happens when you "assume"


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## Michelle (Sep 16, 2006)

Dear Anta:

Why does my coigersniggolator always want to veptindieutlissismed?

Thanks for the answer and best wishes!


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## Tina (Sep 16, 2006)

Because you have gotten it used to so much danged attention, Michelle. Leave it alone for a minute and it will calm down. Sheesh.


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## Tina (Sep 16, 2006)

And look what you've done with these Dibs. Cripes, it's starting to feel a bit like _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_, with Dibs as the spores!


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## Michelle (Sep 16, 2006)

Tina said:


> Because you have gotten it used to so much danged attention, Michelle. Leave it alone for a minute and it will calm down. Sheesh.


 
Tina, you just keep your poopy little self out of it. Only Anta can answer this.


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## Michelle (Sep 16, 2006)

Tina said:


> And look what you've done with these Dibs. Cripes, it's starting to feel a bit like _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_, with Dibs as the spores!


 
You leave me alone about the Dibs, Tina. You're starting to tick me off, what with all your accusations and finger pointing. You'll be sorry if you don't stop. I'll tell Anta or one of the mods or something.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 16, 2006)

Did we change to Hyde Park? *fearful glance*


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## Tina (Sep 16, 2006)

Yeah? G'ahead, dolly! I ain't a-scared of you! Me an my butt possee will kick your hiney and give your birdies new hair-dos!


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## Timberwolf (Sep 16, 2006)

Oh, no! It's high moon on a bad moon rising... 
...
...
...
'Bye!


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## Esme (Sep 16, 2006)

Dear Anta,

I'm scared, discombobulated, flummoxed and... in need of advice. The world seems to have slipped on its axis, and nothing is as it should be.

Michelle says she no longer likes chocolate/chocolate Dibs.    

Personally, I think the Pod People got her. 


I need your wise guidance. Is nothing sane in this world any more, or has Michelle been pod peopled?

What do we do? What CAN we do?????


----------



## Timberwolf (Sep 16, 2006)

*strolling along, singing*

...get your dibs on Route 66...


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## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

ripley said:


> Why is Michelle, your betrothed, obsessed with spurious spittoons?



It certainly is an odd obsession, Ripley. I can't speak for her but I'd venture to guess that she regards saliva as sort of sacred substance, since it contains bits of the spitter's DNA and hopefully could be used by aliens in the future to reconstruct a full human being. So the spittoon is kind of a holy trough, a receptacle for the soul if you will.

The spurious part kinda covers her just in case none of this is true.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

swamptoad said:


> Howdy-doo thar fine ole Santaclear. ah was reckonin' of a mighty fine quesshun jest t'other day. Whuffo' does we haf so menny houn'dog gone billboards thet covah up our scenic purdyness along th' highways? ah reckon too menny billboards is tacky, take away fum th' beauty all aroun' us, an' in some cases makes varmints use their noggin a lot less.
> Cousin Toad, cuss it all t' tarnation.



Howdy, Cousin Toad. I'm in full agreement with you about billboards uglifying our nation's natural scenic purdyness. It's all for money, paid advertising. Some of it is even understandable - if you owned land right next to a highway mightn't you consider selling advertising space on it too? It's ugly though.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

rainyday said:


> What is the evolutionary purpose of cat drool? One of my cats drools buckets of the stuff when he's cuddled and happy. Is this an adaptive response that somehow warded off predators in the wild?



Hi Rainy, I'm not sure if this dovetails with Michelle's spittoon theories (a couple of posts above this one) or not, but I'd guess cat drool does indeed ward off predators. It's also a protective mechanism in the sense that let's say a baboon or hyena were trying to sneak up on a sleeping kitty-cat in the jungle, he or she might slip in the drool and have to call off the attack, embarrassed.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

mossystate said:


> Ok
> I have seen 'Anta' on many threads, in many rooms. I have never had the patience to track down who or WHAT the fuck it is...*L*
> so...umm....huh?????



Well said, Mossy. Welcome.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> It has come to my attention that I may or may not have a posse. That is to say both I _might_ have one and conversely that I _can, in fact_ have one as well, regardless as to whether I currently posess one or not. This is the source of my profoundly confounded aspect presently as since I'm not _sure_ if I have said Posse or not, do I have the moral right to accept ownership one? If, indeed, it is discovered that I indeed do have one should it further be the case that since in fact, I _do_ have this, heretofore referred to as a hypothetical or parenthetical, _Posse_, have I the right to keep it? Is there precedent I need to cite or court of _Juris Prudence_ I must petition for the retention of same, as I was unaware of it's exsistance before it's possible, future, discovery?
> -Confused in the constellation of Taurus



Hi Eric. Last I checked you didn't have one. If I'm WRONG (and I might be) you don't need to petition to retain it - you can just hang on to it or let it go as you see fit. If you want one I believe the instructions are clear on the "Posse" thread. Now let's say you get a new one and later find out you already had one, that's OK. You can have as many posses as you want.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Why does my coigersniggolator always want to veptindieutlissismed?
> Thanks for the answer and best wishes!



Thanks, Michelle! Best wishes to you too!

Your coigersniggolator needs to be periodically lubricated and the lips rotated for better mileage and more even wear. If this isn't done it can develop veptindieutlissism and a slight limp.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 17, 2006)

Tina said:


> Yeah? G'ahead, dolly! I ain't a-scared of you! Me an my butt possee will kick your hiney and give your birdies new hair-dos!



That's quite a butt posse you have, Tina. :smitten: Michelle's birds would look great with new hair-dos...personally I'd love to see 'em in a big frizzy black '70s 'fro, you know what I mean?


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## Jane (Sep 17, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Thanks, Michelle! Best wishes to you too!
> 
> Your coigersniggolator needs to be periodically lubricated and the lips rotated for better mileage and more even wear. If this isn't done it can develop veptindieutlissism and a slight limp.


And this is something that IS NOT in the manual. I had to buy "Coigesniggolators for Dummies" to find that out.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 18, 2006)

Manuals... Oh, well... *sigh*
I feel with you, Jane...


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## Santaclear (Sep 20, 2006)

Esme said:


> I'm scared, discombobulated, flummoxed and... in need of advice. The world seems to have slipped on its axis, and nothing is as it should be.
> Michelle says she no longer likes chocolate/chocolate Dibs.
> Personally, I think the Pod People got her.
> I need your wise guidance. Is nothing sane in this world any more, or has Michelle been pod peopled?
> What do we do? What CAN we do?????



My sentiments exactly, and BTW very well said, Esme! :bow: 

I'm sure there are many here who found Michelle's recent dis of Dibs disturbing. We feel hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and in some cases misled. The thing to remember is that her contract with the Dibs people has expired. They opted not to renew so she's in a motel room now in central Michigan, drying out from her addiction. Soon she'll be back, probably with some new product to shill.


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## Timberwolf (Sep 20, 2006)

*sings*

C'mon, get your dibs on Route sixty-dibs...


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## Timberwolf (Sep 21, 2006)

Dear Santa,

what's cooking with all this "dibs"-stuff? As you can see, it had even influenced me. Although I'm not able to get hold of these things... No shop selling them around here...

In hope of an answer,

Timberwolf


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## Esme (Sep 21, 2006)

Dear Anta,

I have been wondering... how does daylight savings time really work? Is there a conspiracy to rob us of valuable sleep-time, thus turning us into zombie drones and ready for the picking by evil space aliens? 

Or is there some daylight savings and loan where I can deposit my daylight and make a withdrawl when I really need it?

Or is it really that "energy conservation" thing I've heard so much about?


~Esme


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## Santaclear (Sep 22, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> what's cooking with all this "dibs"-stuff? As you can see, it had even influenced me. Although I'm not able to get hold of these things... No shop selling them around here...



Mr. Wolf, I wouldn't recommend cooking with them since they're a frozen ice cream confection and if you heat them up might first get all gooey but then just totally break down with the emulsifiers and stuff, losing all consistency in an awful and terrifying way. Better not to go there.

You might try a dessert salad of cake and ice cream with Dibs (Edy's chocolate/chocolate) as a topping, perhaps cut up or smashed to taste. (You can tell I'm a classy guy.) Oh wait, you said you can't get them there. Never mind. There are probably good dessert options in Germany even without Dibs.


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 22, 2006)

Esme said:


> I have been wondering... how does daylight savings time really work? Is there a conspiracy to rob us of valuable sleep-time, thus turning us into zombie drones and ready for the picking by evil space aliens?
> Or is there some daylight savings and loan where I can deposit my daylight and make a withdrawl when I really need it?
> Or is it really that "energy conservation" thing I've heard so much about?



I've long suspected, Esme, and your post confirms this, that there are clowns who lurk behind the scenes hording all our spare or discarded moments and somehow managing to live vicariously through all our best ones. These guys obviously know the score and have been around a long time, probably longer than Daylight Savings Time (which was probably their idea.) 

Your theory about space aliens is even more disturbing. Sure, we'll be tired, too tired to notice them perhaps and that's the beauty of their plan. I say don't bother depositing your daylight. When time comes to withdraw it it'll be gone. (Hell yeah, I'm bitter!) They're conserving energy for THEM, if anyone.


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## Michelle (Sep 23, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I recently made a post in another thread that truly begs for your input. You can find it HERE.

I would love to know your feelings on baculums and prepuces and also the plural spelling for those words (is is baculumi and prepuci?). 

Thanks in advance and best wishes!


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## swamptoad (Sep 23, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Howdy, Cousin Toad. I'm in full agreement with you about billboards uglifying our nation's natural scenic purdyness. It's all for money, paid advertising. Some of it is even understandable - if you owned land right next to a highway mightn't you consider selling advertising space on it too? It's ugly though.



Much obliged t'yo' fo' yer input kind suh! Fry mah hide! 

:bow:


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## Timberwolf (Sep 23, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Mr. Wolf, I wouldn't recommend cooking with them since they're a frozen ice cream confection and if you heat them up might first get all gooey but then just totally break down with the emulsifiers and stuff, losing all consistency in an awful and terrifying way. Better not to go there.
> 
> You might try a dessert salad of cake and ice cream with Dibs (Edy's chocolate/chocolate) as a topping, perhaps cut up or smashed to taste. (You can tell I'm a classy guy.) Oh wait, you said you can't get them there. Never mind. There are probably good dessert options in Germany even without Dibs.


Thanx for the advice, dear Santa. 
I'll stay away from cooking ice cream.
But there is one thing about ice cream that still bothers me... As I was a kid, I sometimes got told to go home and bake me an ice... 
I never did it, for I prefer my ice cold, but... I still wonder what the others could have meant with that...

Looking forward to your enlightening answer,

Timberwolf.


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## rainyday (Sep 25, 2006)

Dear Anta,

Today I heard someone say, "When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty." Could you please explain what this means?

With admiration and awe,

rainy


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## Michelle (Sep 30, 2006)

Dear Anta:

Where have you been? I'm having a major life crisis and I NEED you!

When choosing a deoderant, do you think it should have glitter in it, like Sandie's eyeshadow?


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## Santaclear (Oct 2, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Where have you been? I'm having a major life crisis and I NEED you!
> When choosing a deoderant, do you think it should have glitter in it, like Sandie's eyeshadow?



I've been around, Michelle, just lurking occasionally from work due to tedious home connection issues. I'll be back in full force shortly (and will reply to a few earlier posts here.) 

When it comes to deodorant, I've always said _"Spare the rod and spoil the child!"_  That is, there is nothing more invigorating than a well-deodored odorant (odorant being the person who is, or previously was, emitting a particularly vile or noxious odor.) :bow: 

For my "farmer-at-the-rave" look I use a dayglo orange vaseline underarm smear with glitter and sparkles mixed into it for extra "bling". You can also buy one of those grandfather-clock necklaces like Flav-O Flav of Public Enemy used to wear - - they sell them now with complicated car alarms that go off whenever someone tries to approach. This is distinctive and will draw attention away from the deodorant and the original problem that required it.


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## Michelle (Oct 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> For my "farmer-at-the-rave" look I use a dayglo orange vaseline underarm smear with glitter and sparkles mixed into it for extra "bling". You can also buy one of those grandfather-clock necklaces like Flav-O Flav of Public Enemy used to wear - - they sell them now with complicated car alarms that go off whenever someone tries to approach. This is distinctive and will draw attention away from the deodorant and the original problem that required it.


 
God, you're smart.


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## Timberwolf (Oct 3, 2006)

Michelle said:


> God, you're smart.


Are Santa and God one person?  :blink:  :shocked:


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## Butterbelly (Oct 3, 2006)

Dear Santa:

I'm trying to decide if should go with the plumeria body lotion or the country apple body lotion. Both are quite fragrant, but I can't decide...could you please help me out.

Love,
BB


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## Timberwolf (Oct 6, 2006)

As time passes by...


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## Santaclear (Oct 7, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> But there is one thing about ice cream that still bothers me... As I was a kid, I sometimes got told to go home and bake me an ice...
> I never did it, for I prefer my ice cold, but... I still wonder what the others could have meant with that...



Frankly, I'm as mystified about this as you are, Cousin Wolf. (Well, I am assuming you are mystified - there's no way for me to know really HOW mystified you are - this being the internet and all it's very hard to say.) Is it a German expression? If so I never heard of it. So I googled "bake ice" to see, and sure enough what came up was many links to people talking about cooking ice cream, "Baked Alaska." etc. Or were they saying "go bake an ice!" (like the British "Sod off!")? Or perhaps recommending you bake a fantastic dessert treat (maybe the German homemade equivalent for Dibs?) that could be shared with them later. Or if they were bullies they have wanted to take the whole dessert from you and not share. This is a mystery and should be returned to later.


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## Santaclear (Oct 7, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I recently made a post in another thread that truly begs for your input. You can find it HERE.
> I would love to know your feelings on baculums and prepuces and also the plural spelling for those words (is is baculumi and prepuci?).
> Thanks in advance and best wishes!



Wow, those are some wild emoticons you be having there, Ms. Chelle. :bow: 
I like the dancing broccoli one you used in your more recent post here. 

I will not answer this post just yet because it seems like a three-part sorta thing, and I'm at work now (taking a righteously long break to post, but I'm trying to be fast and you know how seriously I take the answers on this thread, especially since a few of the answers I've already given here have already caused fires, some injuries [none too serious, I'm happy to say, except for Rainy's which she's recovered from]  and even a few deaths. So from now on I plan to do it right.) 

But I will just note before researching the matter that baculumi and prepuci sound like some deadly bacteria found in the Deadly Spinach thread HappyFatChick started a few weeks ago. http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12277

I will return shortly, Ms. Chelle, to reply my ass off. :eat1:


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## Timberwolf (Oct 7, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Frankly, I'm as mystified about this as you are, Cousin Wolf. (Well, I am assuming you are mystified - there's no way for me to know really HOW mystified you are - this being the internet and all it's very hard to say.) Is it a German expression? If so I never heard of it. So I googled "bake ice" to see, and sure enough what came up was many links to people talking about cooking ice cream, "Baked Alaska." etc. Or were they saying "go bake an ice!" (like the British "Sod off!")? Or perhaps recommending you bake a fantastic dessert treat (maybe the German homemade equivalent for Dibs?) that could be shared with them later. Or if they were bullies they have wanted to take the whole dessert from you and not share. This is a mystery and should be returned to later.


It is a german expression. 
Your answer bumped my grey cells... They were never disappointed I didn't do as they said. So I guess this term was meant similar to "sod off"... Quite disappointing - I'd presume they weren't able to handle my vivid imagination...
Thank you, dear Santa. :bow:


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## Michelle (Oct 7, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Wow, those are some wild emoticons you be having there, Ms. Chelle. I like the dancing broccoli one you used in your more recent post here.


 
Anta, my life is dancing fruit and vegetables. I'm a DF&V whore.






























and one for Wolfie ...


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## Michelle (Oct 7, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> So I guess this term was meant similar to "sod off"...


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## Michelle (Oct 7, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> Today I heard someone say, "When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty." Could you please explain what this means?
> 
> ...


 
WoW. This is deep stuff. Definitely the kinda post rep points were made for.


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## Timberwolf (Oct 7, 2006)

<- Cooool!  Thanx! :bow:



Michelle said:


>


Well, I survived...


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## Michelle (Oct 7, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> <- Cooool!  Thanx!


 

Here are a few more for you, Cousin Wolf.














(And for anyone who is bugged by emoticons=smilies, i'd advise staying away from this thread.)


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## Timberwolf (Oct 7, 2006)

...
words fail me
...
:huh:


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## Santaclear (Oct 8, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I recently made a post in another thread that truly begs for your input. You can find it HERE.
> I would love to know your feelings on baculums and prepuces and also the plural spelling for those words (is is baculumi and prepuci?).
> Thanks in advance and best wishes!



Whew! What a post! 

As you know I've been making all my posts from work (off the clock!) for the past couple weeks so I can't give this post all the research it literally screams for. Just scratching the sirface, though, I will say that the Beatles' _Get Back_ is about the baculum:

_Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged_

Paul and Yoko agreed on very little but both were _adamant_ that the baculum represented lost innocence, a forbidden fruit that perhaps should be bitten into, maybe chewed, but definitely spit out and never swallowed. :bow: 

Likewise with Sir Mix-a-Lot's _Baby Got Back_:

_Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
(LA face with Oakland booty)
Baby got back!_

Mix-a-Lot evidently felt that the girls with the big butts had somehow gotten hold of baculums. This had made them very happy and also made their butts big.

I'm not sure if any pop odes to the prepuce have been written. I don't wanna google this shit from work, I'm sure you understand. 

Say hello to those smilies from me, Michelle!


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## Santaclear (Oct 8, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Today I heard someone say, "When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty." Could you please explain what this means?



It refers to finances, Rainy. When all is well the buffalo is well fed, (i.e. full.) But when we're broke the buffalo is always the first one to feel it. The poor animal will be forced to go hungry and it's tummy will be empty.


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## rainyday (Oct 9, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> It refers to finances, Rainy. When all is well the buffalo is well fed, (i.e. full.) But when we're broke the buffalo is always the first one to feel it. The poor animal will be forced to go hungry and it's tummy will be empty.


I'm glad you answered this because as it turns out I was hella confused. I always figured that the time the chips would start falling was shortly after the buffalo was full, but once again you've made all make sense.


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## Michelle (Oct 11, 2006)

Dear Anta:

I have the song "It's a long way to Tipperary" on my mind and it alternates with "Yellow Submarine". While this is slowly driving me mad, I realize it could be a good excuse to become famous by singing these. Do you have a suggestion as to how I should go about becoming famous?

Thanks and best wishes!


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## activistfatgirl (Oct 18, 2006)

I miss you Santaclear, that is all.

The internetz is a little less shiny without your smileys.


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## Timberwolf (Oct 18, 2006)

Santa told me I should call him double dead. Whatever tha may mean, I hope it's nothing bad.
There are quite some guys missing. Anyone seen/heard something from/about 87?


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## Timberwolf (Oct 18, 2006)

Maybe we should open a "Lost Boys/Girls" thread...


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## Michelle (Oct 20, 2006)

Dear Everyone:

Rainy's post earlier today stating this was her second all-time favorite thread reminded me that this is here and has been woefully neglected.

Since Anta seems to be AWOL, at least temporarily, I am volunteering to answer questions until he gets back. I realize my answers won't live up to his, but in the case you have some pressing matters that need an answer pronto, I'm your poster!

So ask away! And you will receive advice you won't believe.

Sincere best wishes!

Michelle






I'm counting on Anta seeing this and realizing that the liability of me answering these questions versus him answering these questions will be so great that he'll have no choice but to come back and repair the damage. I'm a genius!!


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## Timberwolf (Oct 20, 2006)

OK. I'll give it a try...

Dear Michelle,

how can I spread around reputation? Every time I hit the reputation button, a window pops up that tells me to do so. What does that mean?

Just wondering,

Timberwolf


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## activistfatgirl (Oct 20, 2006)

Michelle, 

What should I do this weekend to spice up my otherwise boring and solitary life?


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## Frankie (Oct 20, 2006)

Michelle, why does my cat immediately poop upon my arrival home from work each day? 

Thanks,
F.


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## rainyday (Oct 20, 2006)

Dear Michellanta, 

Today has been a gorgeous sunny, crisp fall day. I would like more of them just like this one. Who can I write to so I can ask for more?

rainy


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## Michelle (Oct 21, 2006)

Oh man, after reading these difficult questions, I realize why it would take Anta a few days to formulate an answer. There is SOOOOOO much responsibility involved in giving out advice and these questions are so haaaaaarrrrrrd. I mean, what if I give you some advice and it blows up on you and sends you to the great beyond? This is very scary and stressful stuff and I will try to do my very best, still hoping that our Dear Anta will return soon and take over this public service once again. I had to research this stuff! Anta’s just a natural.

Okay, here goes ….



Timberwolf said:


> Dear Michelle,
> 
> how can I spread around reputation? Every time I hit the reputation button, a window pops up that tells me to do so. What does that mean?
> 
> ...


Cousin Wolf, reputation here is like a good, homemade jam. You have to spread it slowly and put it on something you really like. So think of each little reputation gift as strawberry jam, or thick honey or creamy peanut butter. And since it’s so good like that, you want to give it out to as many people as you see fit to make this a happier place! That’s what “spreading it around” means with reputation. It’s a good thing like spreading around hugs or praise, unlike “spreading it around” when it comes to other things like bullshit and STD’s. Hope this helps!!! 

p.s. And just so you know, you’re not the only one who asks probing questions like this. http://forum.notebookreview.com/showthread.php?t=43382



activistfatgirl said:


> What should I do this weekend to spice up my otherwise boring and solitary life?


AFG, seeing that I lead a fairly solitary and boring life, this was a pretty difficult question to answer for me, but I think I’ve got it! Since you’re in Detroit, drive down to Park Avenue and Sproat Street and have yourself a nice little bonfire! To keep the day lively, you could spend it collecting things to burn. Think of all the things you don’t like and get some &#8211; perhaps a few Cabbage Patch dolls, some pickled beets and some liver. Other good things would be old “Facts of Life” videos, any vinyl you might find of “The Osmonds” and your dad’s 1970’s wardrobe. This really could be quite fun! Let me know how it works out!!!

p.s. Here’s some help to get you started (found at Amazon.com):









Frankie said:


> Michelle, why does my cat immediately poop upon my arrival home from work each day?


Well, Frankie, I think this is a question of sphincter control. He gets so excited to see you when you come home from work, he just opens up and rains brown. So what you need to do is have your cat do sphincter exercises (sorta similar to kegel exercises, I think). Since there are at least 42 sphincters in a human body, I’m guesstimating there might be something like 37 of them in your cat’s body, so you have to make sure he targets the exercises to the proper sphincter. Sometimes that’s not an easy thing to accomplish. You might be able to find some sphincter control for cats exercise DVD’s out there. I’d check the website “www.STOP THE POOP!.com” for those. Good luck with your endeavors and report back how it goes!!!

p.s. Here’s a trainer: www.enasco.com/ProductDetail.do?sku=SB41572U




rainyday said:


> Today has been a gorgeous sunny, crisp fall day. I would like more of them just like this one. Who can I write to so I can ask for more?


Oh, Rainy, leave it to you to ask a Hyde Park question here in the Dear Anta thread. You were just sure I was going to have to answer God or Allah or Buddah or something like that and then everyone would jump on me and this whole thread would be moved to Hyde Park, never to be seen again. Well, my dear, you were WRONG because asking those guys for more gorgeous, sunny, crisp fall days isn’t going to work. Because you know who orders up those gorgeous, sunny, crisp fall days? The Autumn Nymph. That’s right, it’s a little nymph who takes control of those days. I even googled “autumn nymph” and there are pictures out there of her! (see below) She looks all sweet and innocent in her picture, but I’m telling you &#8211; she is a control freak! So be careful of what you ask for. And let us know how it goes!!!






​
Hope this advice was helpful and best wishes, everyone!!!!!!

If this post doesn't bring Anta back, then I'm all outta ideas.​


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## Timberwolf (Oct 21, 2006)

Thanx for your help, Michelle. I think I now understand. :happy:

Prepare for an incoming strawberry jam sandwich...


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## Jane (Oct 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Cousin Wolf, reputation here is like a good, homemade jam. You have to spread it slowly and put it on something you really like. So think of each little reputation gift as strawberry jam, or thick honey or creamy peanut butter. And since it’s so good like that, you want to give it out to as many people as you see fit to make this a happier place! That’s what “spreading it around” means with reputation. It’s a good thing like spreading around hugs or praise, *unlike “spreading it around” when it comes to other things like bullshit and STD’s. Hope this helps!!! *


OOPS!!!! Boy do I have explaining to do.


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## swamptoad (Oct 21, 2006)

Jane said:


> OOPS!!!! Boy do I have explaining to do.



Tsk, tsk


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## activistfatgirl (Oct 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> AFG, seeing that I lead a fairly solitary and boring life, this was a pretty difficult question to answer for me, but I think Ive got it! Since youre in Detroit, drive down to Park Avenue and Sproat Street and have yourself a nice little bonfire! To keep the day lively, you could spend it collecting things to burn. Think of all the things you dont like and get some  perhaps a few Cabbage Patch dolls, some pickled beets and some liver. Other good things would be old Facts of Life videos, any vinyl you might find of The Osmonds and your dads 1970s wardrobe. This really could be quite fun! Let me know how it works out!!!



Hey, it is the first game of the WORLD SERIES in detroit. White folks is gonna riot! 
My furnace is broke again, so I may just start by torching my goddamn house.

i didn't just say that.


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## Timberwolf (Oct 21, 2006)

Jane said:


> OOPS!!!! Boy do I have explaining to do.


:huh::blink::blink::huh:


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## Frankie (Oct 21, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Well, Frankie, I think this is a question of sphincter control. He gets so excited to see you when you come home from work, he just opens up and rains brown. So what you need to do is have your cat do sphincter exercises (sorta similar to kegel exercises, I think). Since there are at least 42 sphincters in a human body, Im guesstimating there might be something like 37 of them in your cats body, so you have to make sure he targets the exercises to the proper sphincter. Sometimes thats not an easy thing to accomplish. You might be able to find some sphincter control for cats exercise DVDs out there. Id check the website www.STOP THE POOP!.com for those. Good luck with your endeavors and report back how it goes!!!
> 
> p.s. Heres a trainer: www.enasco.com/ProductDetail.do?sku=SB41572U
> 
> ...


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## Tina (Oct 21, 2006)

I once read of a woman on one of the sites I visit who masturbates her cat with the eraser end of a pencil when she's horny (the cat, not the woman). This might help with any sphincter problems, Frankie. Might make the cat happy, too, and would also give you something to do in the evenings.

AntaChelle, what to do to cure happiness? Woke up feeling very happy today, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Can you help?


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## Timberwolf (Oct 22, 2006)

Is happiness cureable?  :blink:


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## Tina (Oct 22, 2006)

Yep. Seemed to have found the cure while asleep and woke up grumpy. I have to say that in this case, the cure is worse than the original state.


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## Timberwolf (Oct 22, 2006)

So we'd better stay away from that cure...


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## Tina (Oct 22, 2006)

Yeah. No sleep for me!!


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## Timberwolf (Oct 22, 2006)

Uhm... sleep... Is that something edible?


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## Timberwolf (Oct 22, 2006)

You were gone? Two days?


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## Friday (Oct 22, 2006)

Damn rep system. Consider yourself repped Rip.


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## Michelle (Oct 23, 2006)

After a brief attempt, I'm bowing out. I cannot replace Anta and I'm not going to try any longer. Anta - PLEASE get your advice-columned butt back here!


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## Timberwolf (Oct 23, 2006)

Michelle said:


> After a brief attempt, I'm bowing out. I cannot replace Anta and I'm not going to try any longer. Anta - PLEASE get your advice-columned butt back here!


*sigh*:huh:


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## GWARrior (Oct 23, 2006)

dear santaaa!!!

the love of my life is a hot drummer in a metal band from Boston. he doesnt know that we are MEANT to be together. he doesnt even know me. what should i do?


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## Timberwolf (Oct 23, 2006)

*sigh* :huh:


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## activistfatgirl (Oct 23, 2006)

This is horrible. Santa's been gone for what feels like eons and Michelle gave it a go, but only answered a couple of questions and the people need advice! Who will step up?


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## rainyday (Oct 23, 2006)

There are no substitutes, although Michelle made a pretty good one. We will just have to wait for the authentic Anta to return.


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## jamie (Oct 24, 2006)

Dear Anta,

I have been swamped with work and deadlines for two weeks, I am nigh on brain-frazzled. Is it the same with you? Do you like the Reeses Peices better with the peanut inside or without? Where do moles come from? Why exactly did Billy Joe jump off the Tallahatchie Bridge? Why you no write?

Sincerely, your friend,
jamie.


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## rainyday (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Thread Readers:

This week a couple Dim boarders and I were discussing the merits of clam chowder. I said I loved clam chowder but would refuse to eat it if I spotted even a bit of Geoduck in it. "Whats Geoduck?" one of them asked. The explanation included a synopsis of all the geoduck activity in this thread. Someone else said, "Go post that in the Anta thread."

So, for those of you who havent followed all the exciting blow-by-blow side story thats taken place in this thread in between Antas advice and might be kind of lost, this is a good time to catch up. Heres the synopsis. Now you too will be up to date and can ask Anta questions with confidence and ease when he finally returns. Whenever the heck that might be.

*Dear Anta: The Geoduck Chapters*

Geoducks are a penis-looking bivalve that live in coastal waters off Washington state. Through many machinations in the Dear Anta thread, it was revealed that Michelle and Santa have a love child who happens to be a geoduck. (Said impregnation took place while Michelle was in a coma and Santa tripped on something at the hospital and found himself accidentally implanted in Michelle's vagina.) Michelle had no idea she had a child, let alone that he went on to threaten lives and become an internationally sought terrorist, all before the age of one year. Upon finally learning the truth, in an uncharacteristically heartless move, Michelle refused to embrace the fruit of her loins; instead she joined with a group of Michiganites on the board who decided to make chowder out of the Michelle-Santa love child since it is, after all, seafood. There are nuclear devices involved somehow too, but I can't quite remember that part. In any case, after seeing pictures, I am put off by flaccid penis-looking bivalves and refuse to have them in my soup.


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## Michelle (Oct 27, 2006)

After reading that synopsis, I'm thinking I've lead a much more interesting life than I thought. The only thing left to do is find a spurgewort and I'll be complete. 

Rainy - you have a talent. Anta will be proud of you. In fact, he might want to marry you after he reads that.


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## Ericthonius (Oct 28, 2006)

Dear Santa, 

Being the arbiter of all propriety, could you direct me in the proper netiquette? 

Y'see... I don't wish to start a new thread, as I feel that it's too grandiose a gesture for what amounts to about a nine-day absence. It was odious but not anything compared to what Shackleford or Bligh went through over open oceans in a row boat. Trivial as it may be in the overall scheme of things it's rather momentous to me in my mundane exsistance and I wish to say a prompt and proper, 'Thank you', 'I missed everybody' and' I'm glad to be back', to all those who wished me well during the recent move, now that my internet connection is restored and I'm caught-up on the backlog of information.

Signed,

Cousin Flabbergasted in Farmington. :bow:


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## Michelle (Oct 28, 2006)

I heard a rumor that Anta may make an appearance this week. Even though I have an outstanding question here, I'm going to believe the rumor and take advantage of it.

Dear Anta:

I am very happy about a recent event. How should I celebrate it?

Thanks and best wishes!


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## Timberwolf (Oct 28, 2006)

Santa's making an appearance?
Is he a ghost, too?


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## Tina (Oct 28, 2006)

Good God, that geoduck looks disgusting.




None for me, thanks.

And are you sure Santa didn't 'trip' on purpose?


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## Santaclear (Oct 29, 2006)

Lordy. Lot of posts to catch up on!

Sorry for my missingness, folks. I've been lurking here and there actually, but only from work and almost invariably when I'm at work I've had only 2 or 3 hours sleep and I hate posting when in that condition. But I'll attempt to tidy up this loose thread.


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## Santaclear (Oct 29, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I'm glad you answered this because as it turns out I was hella confused. I always figured that the time the chips would start falling was shortly after the buffalo was full, but once again you've made all make sense.



In Wild West days (to beat a dead horse) they would sit the buffalo up in a special chair, Rainy, and feed him. They'd put the chips on his belly and as his belly became more full the chips would rise, naturally, sitting as they were on top of his belly. The theory was when he was hungry his belly would sorta go down, causing the chips to fall off and the meal would be over. Or maybe it meant he was hungry and it was time for the meal to start again. 

Anyway, there are myriad reasons the chips would fall off him other than the meal being over or him being hungry. Maybe the person you heard saying it was just trying to figure it out for themselves.


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## Santaclear (Oct 29, 2006)

Butterbelly said:


> I'm trying to decide if should go with the plumeria body lotion or the country apple body lotion. Both are quite fragrant, but I can't decide...could you please help me out.



Hi Butterbelly! I was floored when I read of your health ordeals and applaud you for coming through that surgery in apparently good condition. I and probably everyone on this board send you the very, very best in good vibes, that you heal fast and that the subsequent treatments do what they're supposed to! :wubu: :wubu: :kiss2: :kiss2:

Here's what I found on the web about those two fragrances:

Plumeria: _Alluring plumeria blossoms mingle with just a hint of ripe melon in this sweet floral fragrance inspired by the tropics.
Domestic._

Country apple: _This fresh combination of ripe, red apples and creamy blossoms is as delightful as an orchard in springtime.
Domestic._

It's interesting that they say both are domestic. Not that many people employ domestics these days so you probably don't need to worry about that. I'd go with the Plumeria - they say it's alluring and the image of the blossoms mingling with just a hint of rip melon sounds practically irresistable.


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## Santaclear (Oct 29, 2006)

Michelle said:


> I have the song "It's a long way to Tipperary" on my mind and it alternates with "Yellow Submarine". While this is slowly driving me mad, I realize it could be a good excuse to become famous by singing these. Do you have a suggestion as to how I should go about becoming famous?
> Thanks and best wishes!



Thank you, Michelle! I have no suggestions on how you could become famous, but I suspect if it does happen it will NOT involve you singing those two songs. You say it is already slowly driving you mad. Think of how sick of them you'll be by the time you go on Leno or The View to perform them! 

Try a slow, tuneless, super dirge-y acapella hour-long atonal "Eleanor Rigby." (You could stretch out the "Father MacKenzie" part to fifteen minutes and people in the audience will take up knitting and start tattooing each other.) This may get you featured on NPR. Hope that works!


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## Timberwolf (Oct 29, 2006)

Glad to see you back in action, Santa! :bounce:


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## Tina (Oct 29, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Try a slow, tuneless, super dirge-y acapella hour-long atonal "Eleanor Rigby." (You could stretch out the "Father MacKenzie" part to fifteen minutes and people in the audience will take up knitting and start tattooing each other.) This may get you featured on NPR. Hope that works!








:kiss2: :kiss2: :kiss2: Yay!! Santa is back!!! :kiss2: :kiss2: :kiss2:


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## Ericthonius (Oct 29, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Try a slow, tuneless, super dirge-y acapella hour-long atonal "Eleanor Rigby." (You could stretch out the "Father MacKenzie" part to fifteen minutes and people in the audience will take up knitting and start tattooing each other.) This may get you featured on NPR. Hope that works!



Well, whether it works or not... I've got the _Doodles Weaver_ version of the aforementioned, 'Ms. Rigby', stuck in my encephalon, now.

Oy!


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## Santaclear (Oct 31, 2006)

Michelle said:


> After a brief attempt, I'm bowing out. I cannot replace Anta and I'm not going to try any longer. Anta - PLEASE get your advice-columned butt back here!



That's nonsense, Michelle, you did a _fantastic_ job while I was gone. Far, far better than I ever could have. You answered the people's questions in plain language that they understood. No pompous, self-pitying "why me?" rants. No judgemental "when I was your age" or "you sick freak!" crap like I always dump on hapless posters when I'm short on real compassion or good honest advice. No far-fetched tales of geoduck pregnancies or stampeding herds of cats. You _listened,_ Michelle. You spoke to the people about their everyday and spiritual concerns, and they loved it! This thread literally *exploded* with activity. But now I'm back.


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## Santaclear (Oct 31, 2006)

GWARrior said:


> dear santaaa!!!
> the love of my life is a hot drummer in a metal band from Boston. he doesnt know that we are MEANT to be together. he doesnt even know me. what should i do?



Hello, sweet Gwar!  

Young love is good. But I hope you read this post in time, for something tells me, Gwar, you are in very grave danger.  Do NOT move to Boston to be near this man. He is not a man at all, or even human. Yes, he is the one, the one they call the Dark Prince. The Bringer of Pestilence, the Lord of Night, He Who Shall Not Be Named, Pilot of the Disaster Airplane, foul Slaughterer of ten trillion trillion shrieking Goats and the chattering of backwards eternal Pigeons caught within the propellers of Hell. Beelzebub. Heavy Smoker and Leaver of Dishes. Satan!  Yes, Gwar, he is the Evil one. :bow: 

You're probably sleeping now (and you look so peaceful) so I'll try an incantation to get rid of him:

_"Be gone, ye oozing chancre and canker of soreness upon thee face of thee Earth! 
Boil away the sea of pus and pain you would cause! Simmer down, ye bristling galaxy-sized weasel of Evil! 
*DO NOT COLLECT* the soul of our sweet sleeping Gwar!"_  :doh: 

There. I hope that helps.


----------



## jamie (Oct 31, 2006)

Dear Anta -

For Halloween, I dressed up as Madame Fortuna and used my crystal bowl (don't ask) to tell the fortune of my work associates. Now, while this was mostly all in jest, I actually had a vision while talking to one of them. I saw him being duct taped to the chair while a short wide figure poured a jar of fire ants in his pants. Should I share or keep this very possible, very fair fantasy..I mean foresight... to myself. Believe me, I was as shocked as anyone at my powers.

Your friend and fan,
Madame Jamitria.


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## rainyday (Oct 31, 2006)

Dear Santa,

Where can i get a crystal ball like Jamie's? I want to see fire ants invading people's pants too. It's not fair that she should have all the fun.

rainy

P.S. Did you do anything exciting during your leave?


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## Tina (Oct 31, 2006)

It's a crystal _bowl_, rainy: _bowl_.

You been taking hormones?

Santa, my foot itches. I scratch it but it still itches. What do I do? What _DO_ I do?????!


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## rainyday (Oct 31, 2006)

Well, "bowl" is a little too close to "bowel" in spelling for me. I put down "ball" just to make sure Santa didn't misread that and replumb me. You know how people tend to make mistakes after being on vacation and stuff.


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## Tina (Oct 31, 2006)

Ha! Are you saying Santa is not intelligent enough to discern "bowl" from "bowel"???

I'm not liking this new face of yours at all.


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## rainyday (Oct 31, 2006)

Does my avatar scare you, little girl? 

And no, Santa being the all-knowing, all-seeing seer that he is would probably read it correctly. You're right.


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## Tina (Oct 31, 2006)

Your teeth are so BIG, Grandma!!  

Yes, it scares me. Do you have a five o'clock shadow, rainy? :shocked:


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## Timberwolf (Oct 31, 2006)

Tina said:


> It's a crystal *bowl*, rainy: *bowl*.


What's a crystal bowl, Tina?

My dictionary tells me those fortune telling things are crystal *balls*. And I doubt that my dictionary's taking hormones...

And my dictionary also tells me that a bowl is a (heavy) wooden ball... seems a bit contradictory to me...


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## Timberwolf (Oct 31, 2006)

Oh, and the other bowl I found could have been made of crystal, but it's a bit difficult to tell the future out of a soup. It may be possible, but not quite accurate...


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## Tina (Oct 31, 2006)

Dunno, Timberwolf, ask jamie, it was her crystal bowl.  

BTW, Santa, my foot still itches.


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## Timberwolf (Oct 31, 2006)

OK, I've missed that... :doh:

In question of your foot... as it is Helloween, why don't you just chop it off?


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## rainyday (Oct 31, 2006)

Tina said:


> Your teeth are so BIG, Grandma!!
> 
> Yes, it scares me. Do you have a five o'clock shadow, rainy? :shocked:



Yes, the hirsuteness was unsettling. I've retired that avatar for the day though, so you're safe.


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## jamie (Oct 31, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> What's a crystal bowl, Tina?
> 
> My dictionary tells me those fortune telling things are crystal *balls*. And I doubt that my dictionary's taking hormones...
> 
> And my dictionary also tells me that a bowl is a (heavy) wooden ball... seems a bit contradictory to me...



Well - anyone can have a crystal ball... but to set yourself apart on the circuit, you need something with a little twist! Here is how to get you and yours your own crystal bowl:

Step 1. Put off deciding on what you are going to be for your office's costume thingy for Halloween.

Step 2. Decide at 5:30am the day of that you will be a jingly fortune teller because a) you have some long flowy skirts and some hoochi momma earrings that you are dying to wear in public and b) it will be fun to speak in an accent all day.

Step 3. Realize after getting ready that you look a little lame and need a gimmick. See lit mini-christmas lights on your vanity and think.."ohhh a crystal ball!"...immediately think, "ohh, no balls or fishbowls around." Get sad.

Step 4. Go to your kitchen and see clear mixing bowl with blue flowers on the side. Place said mixing bowl upside down on your desk with the mini lights under it and spend the rest of the day caressing it gently while spewing out marvelous visions and predictions.


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## Timberwolf (Nov 1, 2006)

Aha! I see...


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## Santaclear (Nov 1, 2006)

jamie said:


> I have been swamped with work and deadlines for two weeks, I am nigh on brain-frazzled. Is it the same with you? Do you like the Reeses Peices better with the peanut inside or without? Where do moles come from? Why exactly did Billy Joe jump off the Tallahatchie Bridge? Why you no write?



Interesting questions, Jamie. I hope this week finds you less frazzled and pressured. It's probably somewhat different for me but right now I'm less frazzled than normal. 

I've never liked Reeses much. It's weird. I love peanut butter. I love chocolate. But I never liked Reeses. :shocked: (Hey, _this_ smiley is still available here, but not on all the other forums!)

Moles all come from Africa, Zimbabwe, to be exact, Jamie. There the first moles were bred. They were thought to bring good luck and kings and queens would often have hundreds, even thousands of moles living in the palace with them. Here, I found this on the web from an extermination place (along with the lovely pic attached below): "_Moles are a nuisance around the home and garden because they dig tunnels just below the surface of the ground._"

As for Billie Joe, I'm frustrated after hearing that song for nearly 40 years and still not knowing why he jumped. The song makes it sound like he and Bobbie Gentry (the singer) were last seen throwing something off the Tallahatchie Bridge and whatever it was they threw was probably the reason he jumped later. I wish them all well but frankly at this point I say "good riddance" to Billie Joe McAllister - it seems like he's caused nothing but problems although they did leave us that fine song. 

View attachment mole.jpg


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## Santaclear (Nov 1, 2006)

rainyday said:


> *Dear Anta: The Geoduck Chapters*
> 
> Geoducks are a penis-looking bivalve that live in coastal waters off Washington state. Through many machinations in the Dear Anta thread, it was revealed that Michelle and Santa have a love child who happens to be a geoduck. (Said impregnation took place while Michelle was in a coma and Santa tripped on something at the hospital and found himself accidentally implanted in Michelle's vagina.) Michelle had no idea she had a child, let alone that he went on to threaten lives and become an internationally sought terrorist, all before the age of one year. Upon finally learning the truth, in an uncharacteristically heartless move, Michelle refused to embrace the fruit of her loins; instead she joined with a group of Michiganites on the board who decided to make chowder out of the Michelle-Santa love child since it is, after all, seafood. There are nuclear devices involved somehow too, but I can't quite remember that part. In any case, after seeing pictures, I am put off by flaccid penis-looking bivalves and refuse to have them in my soup.



Very well told, Rainy. 

I should add, though, that it never was really proven whether Michelle was indeed the true mother of the child. In fact after a couple of weeks of my bickering with Timberwolf over whether the boy was still with him in Germany or at a military base in Michigan (where they were running "routine" nuclear tests on him that for some reason involved two priests, but the boy, now grown to 120 feet, was also finding time to hang out with Esme - and cheat at euchre with her! - all the while scarfing down her wonderful chocolate chip cookies by the bushel) Michelle finally declared that the child is _not_ hers and he should be eaten in a jumbo chowder.

This has all been so painful for me, I'm sure you understand. Some have asked, "What does the animal have to do with Fat Acceptance?" I can see their point. But sometimes the ties of family bind tighter than any other. Thank you, Rainy, and thanks, all of you for listening.

_The below pic shows the boy approximately four days old, being held by my departed wife._ 

View attachment c46cea66.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 2, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> ....Y'see... I don't wish to start a new thread, as I feel that it's too grandiose a gesture for what amounts to about a nine-day absence. It was odious but not anything compared to what Shackleford or Bligh went through over open oceans in a row boat. Trivial as it may be in the overall scheme of things it's rather momentous to me in my mundane existence and I wish to say a prompt and proper, 'Thank you', 'I missed everybody' and' I'm glad to be back', to all those who wished me well during the recent move, now that my internet connection is restored and I'm caught-up on the backlog of information.
> Signed,
> Cousin Flabbergasted in Farmington. :bow:



I think you handled it well, Cousin Flabbergasted, and looks like Tina's "Ericthonius, where you be?" thread answered the question anyway. Welcome back!


----------



## Esme (Nov 2, 2006)

Dear Santa,

Why is it that underpants don't seem to go _under_ anymore? I see way more underpantage on kids today than I'd like to. When is the "underwear as outerwear" thing going to pass? 

How do we turn this disturbing trend around... before it's too late?

Won't someone think of the children???


Thank you Santa, for your wise and wonderful input,
~Esme


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## Santaclear (Nov 3, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> I am very happy about a recent event. How should I celebrate it?
> Thanks and best wishes!



Wow, that's great, Michelle! A recent event, you say? Congratulations!  :bounce: *wonders what she's talking about*

Gosh, as far as the celebrating I'm not sure how much help I can be. (I'm one of Earth's grimmest men.) It maybe sorta hinges on what sort of event it was. Celebration, after all, is in many ways a personal thing. I like to celebrate with ice cream haha or other yummy food. Sex is good. Maybe a movie? (Sounds like a date.) Yeah, I'm a stick in the mud.


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 3, 2006)

jamie said:


> For Halloween, I dressed up as Madame Fortuna and used my crystal bowl (don't ask) to tell the fortune of my work associates. Now, while this was mostly all in jest, I actually had a vision while talking to one of them. I saw him being duct taped to the chair while a short wide figure poured a jar of fire ants in his pants. Should I share or keep this very possible, very fair fantasy..I mean foresight... to myself. Believe me, I was as shocked as anyone at my powers.
> Your friend and fan,
> Madame Jamitria.



I'm not at all surprised, Jamie (or should I say....Jamitria?) I've long been aware you have these special powers.

I don't know whether you'll really be able to pull this off on your co-worker though, at least not without disastrous repercussions. Do you have enough duct tape? (Bring at least two rolls.) Where will you get the fire ants? Will any of your co-workers try to rescue him? What's security like in the building?

Your powers are terrible but great, Jamitria. I trust with your great wisdom you'll do the correct thing. Happy visions!


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## rainyday (Nov 3, 2006)

I'm glad you cleared up that maternity issue, Santa. I have a feeling this tale is destined to go down in the annals of history so it's important that the details be accurate. Just think, some day some high schooler could be writing a term paper for history class on this very event. I can see the bibliography citation now:

Anta, The Great. "Dear Santa Thread" Dimensions Lounge. 2006. <http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=269093&postcount=699>. 

rainy

BTW, what are the annals of history, anyway? Do they exst somewhere? Glad you're back, wise one.




Santaclear said:


> Very well told, Rainy.
> 
> I should add, though, that it never was really proven whether Michelle was indeed the true mother of the child. In fact after a couple of weeks of my bickering with Timberwolf over whether the boy was still with him in Germany or at a military base in Michigan (where they were running "routine" nuclear tests on him that for some reason involved two priests, but the boy, now grown to 120 feet, was also finding time to hang out with Esme - and cheat at euchre with her! - all the while scarfing down her wonderful chocolate chip cookies by the bushel) Michelle finally declared that the child is _not_ hers and he should be eaten in a jumbo chowder.
> 
> This has all been so painful for me, I'm sure you understand. Some have asked, "What does the animal have to do with Fat Acceptance?" I can see their point. But sometimes the ties of family bind tighter than any other. Thank you, Rainy, and thanks, all of you for listening.


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 3, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Where can i get a crystal ball like Jamie's? I want to see fire ants invading people's pants too. It's not fair that she should have all the fun.
> 
> P.S. Did you do anything exciting during your leave?



As Jamie (Madame Jamitria) showed, Rainy, it's as much the person as it is the bowl. The bowl is just the vessel through which the visions come. I know that you are capable of visions too, particularly the ones of the fire ants invading the pants of the pesky co-worker.

No, I didn't do anything exciting. All I've done is try to rest and worry about what the hell I'm gonna do about my sleep disorder hahaha. (Yes, I'm fun.)


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## Santaclear (Nov 7, 2006)

Tina said:


> Santa, my foot itches. I scratch it but it still itches. What do I do? What _DO_ I do?????!



This sounds very serious to me, Tina. We may have to amputate. (I didn't mention my amputation fetish, did I?)


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 7, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Well, "bowl" is a little too close to "bowel" in spelling for me. I put down "ball" just to make sure Santa didn't misread that and replumb me. You know how people tend to make mistakes after being on vacation and stuff.



Is it just me or was this one of the top three hottest posts on Dimensions ever?


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## Santaclear (Nov 7, 2006)

Tina said:


> Ha! Are you saying Santa is not intelligent enough to discern "bowl" from "bowel"???



There's a difference? What do you mean?


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 7, 2006)

Esme said:


> Why is it that underpants don't seem to go _under_ anymore? I see way more underpantage on kids today than I'd like to. When is the "underwear as outerwear" thing going to pass?
> How do we turn this disturbing trend around... before it's too late?
> Won't someone think of the children???



I fear it already IS too late, Esme. In my view, this whole hell-in-a-handbasket thing came in with Reagan when Madonna started prancing around onstage in just her skivvies. Unchecked, that led to this whole pants-falling-off, hiphop and asscrack thing that's currently the rage.

I've seen the future and it's not pretty. Soon (next year) the kids will have the "mummy" look....full one-piece outer body underwear with pre-cut eyeholes and mouth holes, tied at the top of the head like a laundry bag.....and pre-stained skidmarks in the back to give that "whadda-YOU-lookin'-at!???!"  impression today's status-conscious youngsters want to give.


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## Santaclear (Nov 8, 2006)

rainyday said:


> What are the annals of history, anyway? Do they exist somewhere?



Good question, young Rainy. The annals of history, if I understand correctly, are these sort of canals or air breather-holes (the correct scientific term) that run through the body of human experience. They irrigate all of history, allowing it to breathe, change and adapt over time to suit the needs and agenda of the history-teller or the teller's sponsor.

Picture, if you will, one of those cross-section-of-the-human head diagrams they used to show on headache and sinus TV commercials, with arrows going every which way through them. The annals are kinda like that. They were put here either by aliens, the Creator, humankind, no one or all of the above (depending on your religious beliefs.)

(The picture below doesn't include the annals but gives you an idea of what it looks like.)  

View attachment annals.gif


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## Timberwolf (Nov 8, 2006)

Dear Santa,

did you see my head, lately? I'm missing him badly.
What can I do to make him come back?

Headlessly hoping,

Timberwolf


----------



## Tina (Nov 8, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> (The picture below doesn't include the annals but gives you an idea of what it looks like.)



Santa, I could be misremembering, but I thought the annals were at the other end?


----------



## activistfatgirl (Nov 8, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I stayed home from work today cause I'm feelin' pretty damn sick and it got me thinking...why can't I learn mind control skills and get people to do things for me? It seems I'm a good candidate for it, I'm fairly smart and stuff.

See, cause then people would bring me things and get my work done and tell me to stop being guilty. 

And I wouldn't be totally selfish about it. Once I got better--and got over the joy of making people take their clothes off--I'm sure I'd work towards world peace.

Whatdya say?

Slightly out of my mind but expectant (or is that expectorant?),

AFG


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## rainyday (Nov 8, 2006)

Tina said:


> Santa, I could be misremembering, but I thought the annals were at the other end?



Ha! And you scoffed at the possiblity of bowl/bowel confusion.


----------



## Timberwolf (Nov 8, 2006)

?


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## Tina (Nov 10, 2006)

Cool butterfly, Timberwolf.



Santaclear said:


> I like to celebrate with ice cream haha or other yummy food. Sex is good. Maybe a movie? (Sounds like a date.) Yeah, I'm a stick in the mud.



OH! NOW he asks her for a date -- after she's had his lovechild!! (-- er, lovemussel? ) FTR, I'm not sure I believe that alternate story.


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## Timberwolf (Nov 10, 2006)

Tina said:


> Cool butterfly, Timberwolf.


No comment...


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## Santaclear (Nov 10, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Did you see my head, lately? I'm missing him badly.
> What can I do to make him come back?
> Headlessly hoping,
> Timberwolf



*points* The head is down the hall on the left, T-Wolf. :bow: 

 Oh, wait. You called him a "him." How did you lose your head, Cousin Wolf?

(Also, do you realize that "Headlessly Hoping" sounds like the title of a song by Crosby, Stills & Nash?)


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 10, 2006)

Tina said:


> Santa, I could be misremembering, but I thought the annals were at the other end?



You may be right, Tina. I also think it also refers to something which happens once a year, i.e. anally. :bow:


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## ripley (Nov 10, 2006)

Dear Antabobanta,

I installed Firefox2 onto my computer, and now a little green box and a little blue box follow my mouse pointer thingy around! I feel watched, and slightly paranoid! Can you tell them to please leave me alone??

Furtively looking over her shoulder,

ripley


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 10, 2006)

activistfatgirl said:


> Dear Santa,
> I stayed home from work today cause I'm feelin' pretty damn sick and it got me thinking...why can't I learn mind control skills and get people to do things for me? It seems I'm a good candidate for it, I'm fairly smart and stuff.
> See, cause then people would bring me things and get my work done and tell me to stop being guilty.
> And I wouldn't be totally selfish about it. Once I got better--and got over the joy of making people take their clothes off--I'm sure I'd work towards world peace.
> ...



Dear Slightly Out of Your Mind on Expectorant,

I hope you're feeling better today, AFG.  

Don't do it though. Sure, you're a good candidate. But people who use those skills tend to get carried away with them. (I was just reading about Jim Jones and his followers and their mass suicide in Guyana over 30 years ago. Lordy!) :doh: Once you get the people to take their clothes off, it doesn't necessarily follow that you'd work toward world peace. Give this thing time and think it over.


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 10, 2006)

Tina said:


> OH! NOW he asks her for a date -- after she's had his lovechild!! (-- er, lovemussel? )



Men! :doh: I tell you.



Tina said:


> FTR, I'm not sure I believe that alternate story.



I can't blame you for not totally swallowing the mollusk tale, Tina. It was pretty far-fetched and kept changing as it went along. 

Luckily now the boy is gone for good and we don't have to think about him. 

I want to thank Michelle, though, for carrying the child those nine or eleven years (however long it was, I forget now) - a very difficult pregnancy and even rougher childbirth - if indeed she was the mother or if in fact any of it ever happened.

(I'll put his picture up one last time so he can wave goodbye to everyone. Here he is in Germany again being held up by the World's Tallest Man - around 92 feet tall, I think, named Sven.) 

View attachment man with child.jpeg


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## Santaclear (Nov 10, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Ha! And you scoffed at the possiblity of bowl/bowel confusion.



Let her scoff, Rainy. I'm about to enjoy a fresh crow salad out of this great crystal bowl Jamie sent me.


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## Timberwolf (Nov 10, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> *points* The head is down the hall on the left, T-Wolf. :bow:
> 
> Oh, wait. You called him a "him." How did you lose your head, Cousin Wolf?
> 
> (Also, do you realize that "Headlessly Hoping" sounds like the title of a song by Crosby, Stills & Nash?)


How I lost my head?
Well, one morning I woke up and he was gone... Luckily I have a spare head in my night desk, so I am able to live on... 
But the spare head feels different... By some unknown reason, we don't get really used to each other, which ldaes to smoe sgartne problems...


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 15, 2006)

ripley said:


> Dear Antabobanta,
> I installed Firefox2 onto my computer, and now a little green box and a little blue box follow my mouse pointer thingy around! I feel watched, and slightly paranoid! Can you tell them to please leave me alone??
> Furtively looking over her shoulder,
> ripley



OK, Ripley, this might seem almost too easy, but try this, first with the little green box, then with the little blue box:

1. Click on the box and a menu will open up, choose "Preferences".
2. "Watch me and follow me around?" Click on "No."
3. "Leave me alone?" Click "Yes."
4. "Save changes?" Click "Yes." 
:bow:


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## Santaclear (Nov 19, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> How I lost my head?
> Well, one morning I woke up and he was gone... Luckily I have a spare head in my night desk, so I am able to live on...
> But the spare head feels different... By some unknown reason, we don't get really used to each other, which ldaes to smoe sgartne problems...



Thas greet!  :doh: Eenwhile ewe have head for spare, fore smoe unknown reason really USED to be spare, for a spear, so to speak.

Neither you fear, Cousin Wolf. Grease problems, for to call at once a spade a spade, at last one can relax and truly enjoy oneself (at leaks within the confines.) Not to worry of a relapse plaguing like be floor to wall or door to other room. :bow:

But what of this head? He gone. Save those trees, wheat until ore gone. A greater time will come for tears saved. (In order words.)


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## Timberwolf (Nov 19, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Thas greet!  :doh: Eenwhile ewe have head for spare, fore smoe unknown reason really USED to be spare, for a spear, so to speak.
> 
> Neither you fear, Cousin Wolf. Grease problems, for to call at once a spade a spade, at last one can relax and truly enjoy oneself (at leaks within the confines.) Not to worry of a relapse plaguing like be floor to wall or door to other room. :bow:
> 
> But what of this head? He gone. Save those trees, wheat until ore gone. A greater time will come for tears saved. (In order words.)


Dear Santa,

I don't know if it was because of your prayers (as such I interpret your exertions) or anything else, but my original head is back.
Thank you anyway... :bow:

Timberwolf


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## Santaclear (Nov 24, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I don't know if it was because of your prayers (as such I interpret your exertions) or anything else, but my original head is back.
> Thank you anyway... :bow:



It was indeed prayer, Cousin Wolf. Your interpretation is correct.

But we can't take credit for this miracle. The load moves in mysterious ways, they say, so the head must follow. As mere passengers we can only attempt to steer this boat through dark and choppy waters, hoping our journey will end well and that the Captain doesn't suck. :bow:


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## Timberwolf (Nov 24, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> ...that the Captain doesn't suck. :bow:


I see...
That explains a lot. Any chance to change the ship?


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## Ericthonius (Nov 24, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I see...
> That explains a lot. Any chance to change the ship?



I'm not so sure about the changing ships idea but, of course, The Wise and Powerful Santa is the final arbiter on this. Yet, now that I understand that there indeed is linkage between the Captain's suckage and the overview of the ship's shape, it brings me to a fuller understanding of the true meaning of the nautical term, "_Head_".

Yet one more reason why I direct any and all questions here. To be answered by, "Those in the know".


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## Santaclear (Nov 26, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> I see...
> That explains a lot. Any chance to change the ship?



Yeah, but you can't change mid-journey without rebooting. Click on "My Journey", then "Settings", then "My Ship", then "My Captain" and "Preferences" and your various possible choices should scroll down. My Captain today is a gay guy, high on speedballs with a fourteen inch schlong.


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## Timberwolf (Nov 26, 2006)

Thanks again... I'll check it...
... :huh:
... :blink:
...  Great!
... Two options for choice?


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## Michelle (Nov 26, 2006)

This thread is beginning to smell very much like testosterone. I think it's time for a woman to change the subject from schlongs and heads to something more unisex, like fuzzy bunnies or makeup. In retrospect, this may turn out to be a horrible idea, but here goes.

Dear Anta:

Which antacid should I take? Mylanta Fast Acting Supreme or Liquid Maalox Multi-Action?

Thanks and Merry Holidays 'Tis You!


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## Esme (Nov 26, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I'm wondering how I can _finally_ get what I really want for Christmas this year. This year I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle! 


Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks,
Esme


PS. I promise not to shoot my eye out.


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## Timberwolf (Nov 27, 2006)

Dear Santa,

there is a new problem on the block...

I've reached a point where I have a choice between two options:

1. the antichrist;
2. the devil.

What can I do?

Your clueless cousin

Timberwolf


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## Santaclear (Dec 1, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> Yet, now that I understand that there indeed is linkage between the Captain's suckage and the overview of the ship's shape, it brings me to a fuller understanding of the true meaning of the nautical term, "_Head_".
> Yet one more reason why I direct any and all questions here. To be answered by, "Those in the know".



It's true, Ericthonius. I've heard it said that when the Captain _really_ sucks and gives good head then all will be shipshape both stern and aft. This goes for men and ladies. That Captain can really swing. I've never sailed myself though, only read about it on nautical forums.


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## Santaclear (Dec 3, 2006)

Michelle said:


> This thread is beginning to smell very much like testosterone. I think it's time for a woman to change the subject from schlongs and heads to something more unisex, like fuzzy bunnies or makeup.



Good point, Michelle. It's time we turned this thread around. Consider this a "mop-up" post. I do feel, however, that testing makeup on fuzzy bunnies is wrong no matter how cute they might look in false eyelashes, clown face or ho eyeliner.



Michelle said:


> Which antacid should I take? Mylanta Fast Acting Supreme or Liquid Maalox Multi-Action?



Not having tried either brand (I just buy generic white tablets at the drugstore when I need 'em) I googled and learned:

"_Trust the Maalox® Family of products to relieve all your Maalox moments. Maalox products provide fast acting relief of: Heartburn, Indigestion, Gas, Upset Stomach, Nausea, Diarrhea and Cramps due to Diarrhea._"

Clicking on "New Maalox® Multi-Action" told me precious little else, other than that it provides _"fast, soothing relief_", rather than the _"fast *acting*_ (my bold) _relief"_ mentioned on the previous page. :huh: Go figure.

A search for Mylanta unearthed: "_Mylanta Supreme is a revolutionary new liquid antacid that works fast and tastes great!_"  :doh: 

I dunno, Michelle, they both sound all right but a little full of themselves. Maybe I'd go with the Mylanta 'cos, after all, it IS time for revolution. And great taste is, well, great. :bow: 

OTOH "soothing" Maalox sounds pretty good too, maybe better. Think about it, when you have acid indigestion, "revolution" is probably one of the last things you want. And "tastes great!" might be far down the list too since you're probably already belching up all that "great taste!" from whatever it was you ate earlier. So soothing Maalox it is (or generic.)


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## rainyday (Dec 3, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> And "tastes great!" might be far down the list too since you're probably already belching up all that "great taste!" from whatever it was you ate earlier. So soothing Maalox it is (or generic.)



My grandma always used to say her meal was "repeating" on her when this happened. That always made me wonder if she was getting double the calories from it. Santa, where were you when I was a kid and needed answers to important questions like this?

It was also years before I figured out why my mom sometimes cried brown tears. When she did, I thought they were ones that were extra bad. Boy did I feel like a dork the day it finally hit me (as an adult) why they'd been brown.
:doh:


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## Santaclear (Dec 8, 2006)

Esme said:


> I'm wondering how I can _finally_ get what I really want for Christmas this year. This year I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
> PS. I promise not to shoot my eye out.



Hi Esme! I think you posting about it here will help get the word out. Have you tried an ad on Craig's List? It could read *Stunning BBW Wants BB Rifle for the Holidays!*  Is that what BB stands for? I googled about this, of course, found a picture of the gun and you'd look great shooting it! It really is "you"!  
Do you plan to use it in your classroom? 

View attachment RedRyder.jpg


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## Santaclear (Dec 8, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> there is a new problem on the block...
> I've reached a point where I have a choice between two options:
> 
> 1. the antichrist;
> ...



Good morning, Cousin Wolf. This is a difficult choice for anyone to make. Both are so evil, at least according to legend. 

I always see the Antichrist as a sort of flashing-on-and-off thing, pitch black alternating with blinding white, lights all flickering everywhere while the guy laughs maniacally with lots of echo as the universe crumbles, cats scream, buildings collapse, germs and disease thrive, billions die and hideousness prevails like a giant solar rodent.

The Devil, on the other hand, now at least he's a guy you can trust. A regular man like you or me. Sure he's hella evil, with horns and a tail but at least you know at the end of the day he has to look at himself in the mirror and whether he likes what he sees or not, he still has to accept it. Not like the Antichrist which is mainly just flashing lights and yelling. That's my understanding, anyway.

So I'd say try the Devil this time. Good luck!


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## jamie (Dec 8, 2006)

Dear Santa -

I have been a very good girl this year. Hope you had a nice break and that the elves are not unionizing yet. I heard that you were trying Jenny Craig, please promise to not visit Oprah in your bikini.

This year, I would like a pony, a pink huffy bike with streamers, the Barbie make-up head and most importantly a gold Hummer riding on 28's.

Thank you and your crew.

Love,
Jamie



Yeah, yeah, I know you are the mighty Anta.... but just in case you have any swing with the other Santa...I thought I would give it a shot. :wubu:


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## Timberwolf (Dec 8, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> So I'd say try the Devil this time. Good luck!


Thanx for your advice. :bow:

I'll follow your suggestion...


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## Santaclear (Dec 10, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Thanx for your advice. :bow:
> I'll follow your suggestion...



You're welcome, Cousin Wolf. Again, good luck. Be sure to report back to us in case this Devil thing doesn't work out so we can get the word out to everyone else not to try it.


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## Santaclear (Dec 13, 2006)

rainyday said:


> My grandma always used to say her meal was "repeating" on her when this happened. That always made me wonder if she was getting double the calories from it. Santa, where were you when I was a kid and needed answers to important questions like this?



I was probably on Long Island, Rainy. I doubt her "repeating" doubled the calories. It only doubled her enjoyment of the meal.



rainyday said:


> It was also years before I figured out why my mom sometimes cried brown tears. When she did, I thought they were ones that were extra bad. Boy did I feel like a dork the day it finally hit me (as an adult) why they'd been brown. :doh:



Why were they brown? Brown tears sounds extra bad to me too. (And should I feel like a dork for not knowing? Plus, "dork" isn't even a word I normally use.)


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## rainyday (Dec 13, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Why were they brown? Brown tears sounds extra bad to me too. (And should I feel like a dork for not knowing? Plus, "dork" isn't even a word I normally use.)


Nope, you shouldn't feel like a dork unless you're a regular wearer of the stuff.


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## Santaclear (Dec 13, 2006)

jamie said:


> Dear Santa -
> I have been a very good girl this year. Hope you had a nice break and that the elves are not unionizing yet. I heard that you were trying Jenny Craig, please promise to not visit Oprah in your bikini.
> This year, I would like a pony, a pink huffy bike with streamers, the Barbie make-up head and most importantly a gold Hummer riding on 28's.
> Thank you and your crew.
> ...



I know you've been very good, Jamie. The elves have been nothing but trouble for me this year. One of them (Tweaky) found a way to synthesize crystal meth in our lab and had to be let go. Grumpy has Alzheimers but if anything it's made him more aggressive than ever. Goofy ran away in September after knocking up two of the reindeer. I'm thinking about finally going digital after this season. And my people are in talks with Cinemax about a raunchy expose-type project, very hush-hush for now but it could involve Dimensions and at last break this thing big.

I'll see to it you get all the stuff you asked for.  :wubu:


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## Ericthonius (Dec 13, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I'm out of,"_Razzleberry Dressing_." What ever shall I do to get more? Father's boss is coming over for some Goose dinner and things could get ugly without the dressing. Please help!

God bless us every one of us,

"Tiny" Tim Pills,
Contac, SD


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## Timberwolf (Dec 13, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> You're welcome, Cousin Wolf. Again, good luck. Be sure to report back to us in case this Devil thing doesn't work out so we can get the word out to everyone else not to try it.


Well, until now, I can't see any difference to before... Business as usual...
The only thing that made me somewhat suspicious, was that my soul should be included in this contract... But I was told that this would be the normal case in most contracts, but mostly hidden in the tiny-lettered verbiage on the contract's backside...


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## Esme (Dec 15, 2006)

Dear Santa,

Why are there hippopotamussessss? And why are they hungry?

Thank you in advance,

~Esme


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## Santaclear (Dec 17, 2006)

Ericthonius said:


> Dear Santa,
> I'm out of,"_Razzleberry Dressing_." What ever shall I do to get more? Father's boss is coming over for some Goose dinner and things could get ugly without the dressing. Please help!
> God bless us every one of us,
> "Tiny" Tim Pills,
> Contac, SD



Hello, young Tim. Welcome to the forums.  

There are two ways you can look at this. One is you could try to whip up something really fast before he gets there. I googled "Razzleberry Dressing" and immediately found this recipe: http://www.vegsource.com/talk/recipes/messages/10001794.html

But I'm guessing from your worried tone you might not have those ingredients on hand, nor the means to purchase them. Nor the time, because........Good Heavens!  He's (Father's boss) already on his way!    

So if there's truly no time you have no choice but to whip up something right away from whatever you DO have on hand, and call it "Razzleberry Dressing." Maybe use ketchup and beer nuts. Or ketchup and _anything_, and hope he doesn't notice.

There's another way to see it, though. God has denied you this dressing. Yet you need the dressing tonight to impress Father's boss. All the other families are enjoying their Razzleberry Dressing on this night. Why not yours?  I'll tell you - it's because Father's boss is a jerk. The Lord has taken away this dressing for a reason. Is it because you're a family of sinners? No, I believe God wants the Boss to get mad and for Father to either demand a raise or yell at him and quit. 

If things don't work out there's probably space over at Hyde Park where the family can stay for a few weeks, on one of the less active threads. Best of luck to you and your family, young Tim, and Merry Christmas!


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## Santaclear (Dec 17, 2006)

Timberwolf said:


> Well, until now, I can't see any difference to before... Business as usual...
> The only thing that made me somewhat suspicious, was that my soul should be included in this contract... But I was told that this would be the normal case in most contracts, but mostly hidden in the tiny-lettered verbiage on the contract's backside...



That's normal for most agreements, Timberwolf, not only contracts. They usually say you're trading your soul but they hardly ever try to get it - it's mostly just a technicality.


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## Santaclear (Dec 17, 2006)

Esme said:


> Dear Santa,
> Why are there hippopotamussessss? And why are they hungry?
> Thank you in advance,
> ~Esme



Hi Esme, are they hanging around your front yard or something? How do you know they're hungry? What are they doing? Be careful!


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## Donna (Dec 17, 2006)

Dear Santa, 

I have an awful cold in my chest and head and this is a really bad time of year to be sick. What should I do? 

Thank you in advance, 
Donnaalicious

p.s. I think Esme got my hippopottamusses that I asked for for Christmas. I believe the elves might've been confused.


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## ripley (Dec 17, 2006)

Dear Anta,

I don't think that was your "candy cane and lumps of coal" you made me touch last night, like you said.

Confused but strangely excited,

ripley


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## rainyday (Dec 17, 2006)

Were they minty, rip?


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## ripley (Dec 18, 2006)

No, it didn't taste like peppermint at all!


Do NOT ask how the stockings and chimney fit in.


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## Fuzzy (Dec 18, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I would really like you to convince the adjuster not to total my Bug.

Thanks,
Fuz


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## Esme (Dec 18, 2006)

Donna,

I saw your post and redirected your hippos to you. I gave them a snack so they shouldn't be too hungry when they arrive.

BIG HUGS,

Esme 

View attachment hippo.jpg


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## Santaclear (Dec 20, 2006)

Donnaalicious said:


> I have an awful cold in my chest and head and this is a really bad time of year to be sick. What should I do?



Hi Donna. You're right, this is no time of year to be sick. Like most people you probably have obligations to family and friends in addition to your regular duties so it's totally understandable that a woman would want to feel her best.

My idea here (and it's a little unorthodox) is to fight fire with fire. You have a cold, right? So Google if you need to, find out what the symptoms of a much worse cold are and _feign those symptoms_ to scare your cold off! If you've got a hacking cough, fake a much worse hack - this will freak the cold out and it will leave. Same with sniffles or congestion - learn to blow your nose four times as loud as necessary, maybe do a few big "wet sneezes" in public around people you don't like, make a show of it - once your cold gets wind of what's happening hopefully it'll scram outta the Donaalicious body, pronto. Good luck!


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## Santaclear (Dec 27, 2006)

ripley said:


> Dear Anta,
> I don't think that was your "candy cane and lumps of coal" you made me touch last night, like you said.
> Confused but strangely excited,
> ripley



Yes, it was great, Ripley, and I can't wait to try it again! As I said, the "missile cane" reflects my gladness and the lumps of coal, like family jewels, are diamonds in the rough - a gift to a woman from a man who is sincere in his love for all women (especially fat cute ones.) :smitten: :bow:


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## Michelle (Dec 27, 2006)

Santaclear said:


> Yes, it was great, Ripley, and I can't wait to try it again! As I said, the "missile cane" reflects my gladness and the lumps of coal, like family jewels, are diamonds in the rough - a gift to a woman from a man who is sincere in his love for all women (especially fat cute ones.) :smitten: :bow:


 
Okay, Anta. I do feel that I must step in here. You are beginning to sound like a politician, extolling the greatness of diamonds in the rough and stuff like that. _Step back_. You are an advice giver, not a future congressman. Next thing we know, you're going to be playing to the goeyduck crowd.


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## rainyday (Dec 28, 2006)

Dear Anta, 

I just got a new Shop-Vac to replace my dead one. The other day my bro and I had fun seeing how fast it could suck standing water out of a bucket, and boy is that thing is fast! It emptied a 5-gallon bucket in about ten seconds. 

That gave me an idea: Long hair takes a long time to dry, and in the winter that gets cold. Since the nozzle of the hose is pretty wide, I'm thinking I could stuff my hair inside in sections, turn it on and have super-dry hair almost instantly. What do you think? And any other ideas you can think of for this amazing machine?


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## Santaclear (Dec 29, 2006)

Fuzzy said:


> I would really like you to convince the adjuster not to total my Bug.
> Thanks,
> Fuz



Hi, Fuz, sorry it took so long for my reply. We have him right here and have been plying him with booze, broads and threats of violence if he doesn't comply. (We told him he'll be buried in the Bug's trunk in the junkyard if things don't go your way.)

I think he knows by now how much that damn car means to you. I keep telling him how choked up you get every time you talk about it, and to illustrate I have my main security man Bruno choke him each time I say it. He's coming around now, I think. I only hope it's not too little, too late.


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## Santaclear (Dec 29, 2006)

ripley said:


> No, it didn't taste like peppermint at all!
> 
> Do NOT ask how the stockings and chimney fit in.



I was sure the chimney wouldn't fit but it did!


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## Santaclear (Dec 29, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Okay, Anta. I do feel that I must step in here. You are beginning to sound like a politician, extolling the greatness of diamonds in the rough and stuff like that. _Step back_. You are an advice giver, not a future congressman. Next thing we know, you're going to be playing to the goeyduck crowd.



Michelle, I've long felt there is no higher calling than preaching the "Gospo" to the goeyduck flock. The choir has already been heard. They sang their song. Now it's time for the rest of us to flap our wings and let out a joyful winter's "Quack!"


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## jamie (Dec 29, 2006)

Dear Anta, 

Someone impuned the moral fiber of my cat in a rep point comment. I am inconsolable. Please advise....when you have time.


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## Santaclear (Dec 31, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I just got a new Shop-Vac to replace my dead one. The other day my bro and I had fun seeing how fast it could suck standing water out of a bucket, and boy is that thing is fast! It emptied a 5-gallon bucket in about ten seconds.
> That gave me an idea: Long hair takes a long time to dry, and in the winter that gets cold. Since the nozzle of the hose is pretty wide, I'm thinking I could stuff my hair inside in sections, turn it on and have super-dry hair almost instantly. What do you think? And any other ideas you can think of for this amazing machine?



Wow, five gallons in ten seconds? That's pretty fast! Um, Rainy, I think you should hold off on this idea, brilliant as it sounds, unless you have one of those super-stretchy necks like in Alice In Wonderland. A lot could go wrong. I googled and it said scientists are still experimenting. :bow: 

Meanwhile you could take it to the city and use it to vacuum up rats. Like in one of those "Willard" horror movies with the ten trillion rats...you just walk right in the middle, turn the Vac on, point it at 'em and then _thoop! thoop! thoop! thoop!_   A sea of cockroaches would be cool to vacuum too. Or you could go into a pricey restaurant and vacuum the meals off the plate of diners you don't like.


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## Santaclear (Dec 31, 2006)

jamie said:


> Someone impuned the moral fiber of my cat in a rep point comment. I am inconsolable.



I was confused and troubled by your post, Jamie. I must confess that once my initial outrage had passed, my first thought was "'Impune? What the hell is that?" 

So I googled and all I could find was that it means "unpunished" or "to remain unpunished." So far so good. But almost no one anywhere uses or mentions the word. So I'm guessing you really mean _impugn_, which is _"to assail by words or arguments : oppose or attack as false or lacking integrity!!!"_ 

Now, them's fighting words!   

Jamie, I've never met your cat but ANYONE, be it hussy or clown, who so much as IMPLIES that pet is _lacks integrity_ or is _false_......well, let me talk to 'em.


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## jamie (Dec 31, 2006)

Yikes... I did indeed mean impugned Santa. Not only are you entertaining, but educational as well. Your value to this community cannot be denied.

Now onto the subject of the cat...someone sent me a message saying that my cat was "drunk or tripping." She is a good girl...a clean living kind of gal, you can imagine what that did to her morale.

I think she is better now though. For her New year's resolution she is taking some Tai Chi to get back some balance and self awareness in her life. 

Are you making any resolutions?? I am resolving to watch less MTV reality TV in the new year. Wish me luck.


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## Brenda (Dec 31, 2006)

Dear Santa,

I just read your profile and see we share the same birthday. Did you get your birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper as well? Do you think we are related?

Brenda


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## Friday (Dec 31, 2006)

Dear Santa, what is the best way to handle talentless upstarts who can't even tell the difference between humor and Jeanne Dixon?


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## ripley (Dec 31, 2006)

Friday said:


> Dear Santa, what is the best way to handle talentless upstarts who can't even tell the difference between humor and Jeanne Dixon?



I love you.:wubu:


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## Miss Vickie (Dec 31, 2006)

Dear Santa,

You rock.

PS - How do I thaw a turkey safely yet quickly -- like, overnight.

Thanks in advance.

PS - Oh, and Friday? You're pretty awesome as well.


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## bbwsweetheart (Jan 1, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Happy New Year!

We are lucky to have TWO advice columnists. Let me ask you if you think that I will meet, in person, the man of my dreams this year?


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## Frankie (Jan 2, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> I was confused and troubled by your post, Jamie. I must confess that once my initial outrage had passed, my first thought was "'Impune? What the hell is that?"
> 
> So I googled and all I could find was that it means "unpunished" or "to remain unpunished." So far so good. But almost no one anywhere uses or mentions the word. So I'm guessing you really mean _impugn_, which is _"to assail by words or arguments : oppose or attack as false or lacking integrity!!!"_



I think Jamie meant "impruned the moral fiber," as prunes provide a good dose of fiber, moral and otherwise.

And this leads me to a question for you, Santa: how come prunes are disgusting but dried plums are downright delicious?


----------



## Frankie (Jan 2, 2007)

jamie said:


> Now onto the subject of the cat...someone sent me a message saying that my cat was "drunk or tripping." She is a good girl...a clean living kind of gal, you can imagine what that did to her morale. /QUOTE]
> 
> LIES. I know about the catnip blunts.
> 
> ...


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## SocialbFly (Jan 2, 2007)

Dear Anta, do you see where i might move in my future?? (Some help here Anta??)
Thank you...Dianna


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## Santaclear (Jan 2, 2007)

jamie said:


> Yikes... I did indeed mean impugned Santa....someone sent me a message saying that my cat was "drunk or tripping." She is a good girl...a clean living kind of gal, you can imagine what that did to her morale.
> I think she is better now though. For her New year's resolution she is taking some Tai Chi to get back some balance and self awareness in her life.



Oh my lord, Jamie, I'm so sorry. Yes, it was me, in a rep comment.  How was I to know a simple, flippant remark would wreak such havoc? Here's a link to the original post if others want to see for themselves:
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=312129&postcount=49

It really DID seem that perhaps the cat had been partying and the blurriness of the photo only added to that impression, kinda like those crazy movies about the '60s but mind you I had no judgement about it. I assumed that since she's your cat, whatever she does (which is none of my business, of course) she does responsibly and under your supervision. Send her my best and please post photos of the cat doing Tai Chi. I'd like to see that.



jamie said:


> Are you making any resolutions?? I am resolving to watch less MTV reality TV in the new year. Wish me luck.



No, no resolutions for me. I've never seen ANY reality TV, so I wouldn't mind seeing an episode or two one time. Good luck!


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## SocialbFly (Jan 3, 2007)

I wait with baited breath to hear (er read) your answer...


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## Santaclear (Jan 3, 2007)

Brenda said:


> I just read your profile and see we share the same birthday. Did you get your birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper as well? Do you think we are related?



Interesting, Brenda. Yesterday I noticed that another poster, Violet_Beauregard (she's new) also shares our birthday. Also salsa jazz giant Eddie Palmieri, '60s British Invasion kingpin Dave Clark of the Dave Clark 5, a couple of actresses whose names I don't recall because I'm unfamiliar with their work, and of course the *cough* great Don Johnson.

I don't remember getting any birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper but our family was Jewish. My father frowned on gifts somewhat and birthdays and holidays were decidedly grim and spartan affairs in our home. *weeps quietly*

I saw your picture and we're definitely related, probably through either Eddie Palmieri or Don Johnson. 

View attachment don_johnson.jpg


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## Santaclear (Jan 3, 2007)

Friday said:


> Dear Santa, what is the best way to handle talentless upstarts who can't even tell the difference between humor and Jeanne Dixon?



Friday, I believe it was the great Don Johnson who once said, "Talent is the glue which causes our lives to stick together in such a fierce, sticky manner that they cannot be pried apart no matter how much force is applied to them." He goes on to discuss upstarts. "Upstarts? Hey, everyone's gotta start somewhere. Do you let it bother you? I don't let it bother me. Those guys gotta eat too!" :bow: 

_Mr. Johnson's amazing story is being made into a made-for-TV movie which will air this summer._ 

View attachment miami-vice-dj13.jpg


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## Santaclear (Jan 3, 2007)

Miss Vickie said:


> Dear Santa,
> You rock.
> PS - How do I thaw a turkey safely yet quickly -- like, overnight.
> Thanks in advance.
> PS - Oh, and Friday? You're pretty awesome as well.



Thanks, Vickie. You rock as well. And I'm sure Friday appreciates hearing she's awesome from someone as awesome and rocking as you. (This must be sickening for everyone else to read.) 

It's already been two days since your post so we'd better hurry! Here's what I've found:

_COLD WATER
If you're in a hurry you can use this method. Leave the turkey in its original bag, put it in the sink, and cover it completely with COLD water. Either leave the water running slowly or change it every half hour. This method takes about 30 minutes per pound, or 6-9 hours for an average size turkey._


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## Michelle (Jan 3, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> _COLD WATER_
> _If you're in a hurry you can use this method. Leave the turkey in its original bag, put it in the sink, and cover it completely with COLD water. Either leave the water running slowly or change it every half hour. This method takes about 30 minutes per pound, or 6-9 hours for an average size turkey._


 
COLD WATER? Huh?????? _EVERYONE_ knows (well, everyone except you and Miss Vickie apparently) that the way to thaw a turkey quickly is to start your car and put it on the engine and then drive around furiously for about an hour. 

Sheesh.


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## Timberwolf (Jan 3, 2007)

Michelle said:


> COLD WATER? Huh?????? _EVERYONE_ knows (well, everyone except you and Miss Vickie apparently) that the way to thaw a turkey quickly is to start your car and put it on the engine and then drive around furiously for about an hour.
> 
> Sheesh.


Yeah, and if you drive on for another hour or so (depends on the size of the turkey), it'll be done...

(Your car may be done, too, then, but that is an other story...)

But don't forget to tie the turkey to the motor, elseways you'll be fiding it lying in front of your house when you return - still frozen!


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## jamie (Jan 3, 2007)

Sometime I will remember and cacth a pic of Colin when he is stoned out of his gourd on the 'Nip. He is a wild little demon on some crazy rollercoaster of hatred and tripping the light fantastic. I probably get too much enjoyment from it because he is such a dignified diva otherwise.



Frankie said:


> LIES. I know about the catnip blunts.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Brenda (Jan 3, 2007)

Your answer has cleared up so many things for me! Though I am not a Jew I am often mistaken for one. People I have known for each year's will start to wish me a Merry Christmas and than say oh sorry Happy Hannukah I almost forgot you were Jewish. I was very perplexed by this but now knowing we are in fact related explains it.

Brenda




""Interesting, Brenda. Yesterday I noticed that another poster, Violet_Beauregard (she's new) also shares our birthday. Also salsa jazz giant Eddie Palmieri, '60s British Invasion kingpin Dave Clark of the Dave Clark 5, a couple of actresses whose names I don't recall because I'm unfamiliar with their work, and of course the *cough* great Don Johnson.

I don't remember getting any birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper but our family was Jewish. My father frowned on gifts somewhat and birthdays and holidays were decidedly grim and spartan affairs in our home. *weeps quietly*

I saw your picture and we're definitely related, probably through either Eddie Palmieri or Don Johnson.""


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## Frankie (Jan 3, 2007)

Michelle said:


> COLD WATER? Huh?????? _EVERYONE_ knows (well, everyone except you and Miss Vickie apparently) that the way to thaw a turkey quickly is to start your car and put it on the engine and then drive around furiously for about an hour.
> 
> Sheesh.



I had been thinking the same thing, too! I didn't post about it though because it seemed so . . . obvious.  (I stick the gizzards in the exhaust pipe for a delicious smoky flavor.)


----------



## ripley (Jan 3, 2007)

Dear Anta,

What's another word for thesaurus? 

Thanks a bunch!

rip


----------



## Jane (Jan 3, 2007)

Dear Anta,

Free's Don Johnson fascination REALLY has me worried. Should I intervene, or just sit back and let it run its course?

Hugs and Kisses,

Jane


----------



## Jane (Jan 3, 2007)

Oh, no, Anta...it was you NOT Free....I'm so DISAPPOINTED.

(Sobbing)


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 4, 2007)

Dear Santa,

can you answer me the question of all questions?

Looking forward to your answer,

Timberwolf


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 4, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Happy New Year!
> We are lucky to have TWO advice columnists. Let me ask you if you think that I will meet, in person, the man of my dreams this year?



Hi, bbwsweetheart, and a Happy New Year to you too!  Yes, we are blessed. The only thing is if someone were to ask both advice columnists the same question and got different answers it might tear the person apart, cause their head to explode, drive them insane or worse. Luckily that hasn't happened yet.

About the man of your dreams, frankly I have no idea. Have you two already met online or are we just stabbing in the dark? You certainly look very cute in your avatar pic, almost like a TV actress. With that perky attitude I'd say your chances are very good. Just be careful not to ask any other advice columnists the same question!


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Jan 4, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, bbwsweetheart, and a Happy New Year to you too!  Yes, we are blessed. The only thing is if someone were to ask both advice columnists the same question and got different answers it might tear the person apart, cause their head to explode, drive them insane or worse. Luckily that hasn't happened yet.
> 
> About the man of your dreams, frankly I have no idea. Have you two already met online or are we just stabbing in the dark? You certainly look very cute in your avatar pic, almost like a TV actress. With that perky attitude I'd say your chances are very good. Just be careful not to ask any other advice columnists the same question!



Oh wise one, moi will heed your advice and not ask the same question of two advice columnists, but not because moi might go insane. (I'm already insane and it's actually pretty cool!) 

Yes, we've already met online. Good to know that our chances are good!! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: You've made me insanely and bouncily happy!


----------



## Friday (Jan 5, 2007)

Oh yes, the wonderful Mr Johnson whose talents are as enduring as Pam Anderson's boobs. Do you suppose they go to the same surgeon?


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2007)

Michelle said:


> COLD WATER? Huh?????? _EVERYONE_ knows (well, everyone except you and Miss Vickie apparently) that the way to thaw a turkey quickly is to start your car and put it on the engine and then drive around furiously for about an hour.
> Sheesh.





Frankie said:


> I had been thinking the same thing, too! I didn't post about it though because it seemed so . . . obvious.  (I stick the gizzards in the exhaust pipe for a delicious smoky flavor.)





Timberwolf said:


> Yeah, and if you drive on for another hour or so (depends on the size of the turkey), it'll be done...
> But don't forget to tie the turkey to the motor, elseways you'll be fiding it lying in front of your house when you return - still frozen!




And always remember to tie the turkey SECURELY to the motor. An 8 to 10-hour drive (sorry, Timberwolf) is required before the turkey is done.

For thawing when planning to cook the turkey at home: once you have the turkey secured to the motor, run the car (with the hood up) several times through a full service car wash.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2007)

Frankie said:


> I think Jamie meant "impruned the moral fiber," as prunes provide a good dose of fiber, moral and otherwise.



I was thinking about this the other day, Frankie, and realized that "impuned" means "impaled by a flying prune." 

It must hurt like hell and the prune has to have been travelling at quite a high rate of speed. Kudos to Jamie's cat for withstanding this and who could begrudge him the kitty blunt in this time of healing and feline meditation?



Frankie said:


> How come prunes are disgusting but dried plums are downright delicious?



I recall being horrified, Frankie, when as a child upon first hearing about prunes and how they made people "regular." Another blow to the prune was it's wrinkled appearance. But I must say that even though I dunno if I've EVER bought them, I always enjoy 'em just fine in cookies, pastries and other desserts.

Dried plums are evidently just different varieties. I googled and found: 
"Prune-Plum: _Certain varieties of plums have such firm flesh and such a high sugar content that they can be dried with little loss of their original plumpness and flavor. These plums are called prune-plums, and the dried plums themselves are called prunes."_

Confusing. So the prune-plum is better because of plumpness (and flavor.) I say just go with the varieties of dried plums you like and enjoy the fiber (moral and otherwise.)


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2007)

jamie said:


> Someone impuned the moral fiber of my cat in a rep point comment. I am inconsolable.



I thought we'd pretty much figured out what "impune" is, Jamie, but then ran across THIS, which is frequent poster This1Yankee's user title:

_Nemo me impune lacessit_

 
My first thought was "Who is Nemo?" Then I figured "lacessit" must be a typo, and the title's about facesitting, which guys on the Paysite and Weight boards always write about. But I googled and learned it really means "No one wounds me with impunity." :bow:


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2007)

SocialbFly said:


> Dear Anta, do you see where i might move in my future?? (Some help here Anta??)
> Thank you...Dianna



Hi, Dianna! I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I can't see the future at ALL.  It's not you. I don't feel bad about it since most (maybe all) people can't see the future anyway. But I thought I should make that clear just in case. 

Maybe Orlando, Florida? I was there once and was surprised that I liked it a lot. (Must get too hot there in the summer though.) How about Georgia or South Carolina? I'm no help. California central coast? *wanders off, talking to himself*


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 7, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> ...
> And always remember to tie the turkey SECURELY to the motor. An 8 to 10-hour drive (sorry, Timberwolf) is required before the turkey is done.


That is right... If you prefer to have an intact car afterwards. 
But as Michelle advised us to drive furiously, it'll take you about an hour or two - but then not only the turkey is done, but your car too... 
Not to mention all the cops trying to stop you...


----------



## Esme (Jan 7, 2007)

Dear Anta,

Sure, it all seems like a fun, childhood rhyme... but I really want to know:

How much wood _could_ a woodchuck chuck?

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

Thanks,
Esme


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Jan 7, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Have I been cursed with a neverending cold? How do I get rid of it? Must I make a sacrifice?

Thank you.

Kim


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 7, 2007)

Dear Santa,

This is the first time I read this thread because I thought it was about Christmas :doh: 
1. Will you please explain why you have been on a quest of posting Don Johnson pics all over the forum?
2. Please don't post any more of the OLD Don- just the younger Don- I NEED those memories.......  
3. I tried to rep you more than once for Don pics but it wouldn't let me.....


----------



## ripley (Jan 7, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> This is the first time I read this thread because I thought it was about Christmas :doh:
> 1. Will you please explain why you have been on a quest of posting Don Johnson pics all over the forum?
> ...



I




when he posts pictures of his Johnson. Er...I mean Don Johnson.

even though he ignored my question earlier


----------



## jamie (Jan 7, 2007)

Don't flippin' confuse me :wubu:.

I just found 3 eyelashes on my cheek. Are my eyelids going bald and do you have any lines on toupees for very very small places? 





Santaclear said:


> Hi, Dianna! I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I can't see the future at ALL.  It's not you. I don't feel bad about it since most (maybe all) people can't see the future anyway. But I thought I should make that clear just in case.
> 
> Maybe Orlando, Florida? I was there once and was surprised that I liked it a lot. (Must get too hot there in the summer though.) How about Georgia or South Carolina? I'm no help. California central coast? *wanders off, talking to himself*


----------



## EvilPrincess (Jan 7, 2007)

jamie said:


> Don't flippin' confuse me :wubu:.
> 
> I just found 3 eyelashes on my cheek. Are my eyelids going bald and do you have any lines on toupees for very very small places?


 

**gasp** **choke** **giggle** 

Reminded me of B0Babe and her references to merkins.... 

**wipes tears from her eye**


----------



## rainyday (Jan 8, 2007)

Dear Anta,

Not to echo Greeneyes, but Don Johnson in all the birthday threads is scaring me. Will he be gone by the time my birthday rolls around in June? I think your roasted chicken was much more pleasant and definitely more festive.

rainy


----------



## Frankie (Jan 9, 2007)

Thank you for your response about the prune issue, Anta. I'd rep you if I could, but it seems I need to accumulate more posts before that feature will work for me.

Since Jamie has posted about her cats, I would like your opinion on my own kitty. He has recently begun to refuse catfood that he couldn't scarf up enough of in the past. When I called the catfood company to complain, the representative told me that the only change the company made was to the labels it's putting on the cans. Do you think this means that my cat can read and doesn't care for the new labels? What other explanation could there be? What other hidden talents do you suppose he has, and how can I uncover them?

Thanks in advance,
Frankie


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jan 11, 2007)

Dear Santa,
Let me begin by saying that I love this thread! Now to my question:

Hubby and I are considering disconnecting our home phone and going with using cellphones instead. We are really leaning towards this decision, however, I don't want to be too hasty in making a change. Are there really good reasons to keep our standard home phone in place?

Thanks!

~Punkin


----------



## Friday (Jan 12, 2007)

Been wrestling with that question too for a while. 'Anta?


----------



## Accept (Jan 12, 2007)

Hope I'm not encroaching on Santa's territory here, but Kerry and I have used our two cell phones while living together for the past year and a half without any landline, and there have been absolutely no problems.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 12, 2007)

ripley said:


> What's another word for thesaurus?



Man, that's a tough one, Ripley! On the one hand, words like _synonym, antonym, homonym_ and _dictionary_ are swimming past me like calendar pages floating in the lit-up technicolor sewer of a B-movie that is my brain. Google was no help. The closest I found was "wordfinder."  

On the other hand, I think, "Hey, Ripley knows the score. She knows what a thesaurus is. She's trying to stump me. Don't play her game, Santa."

Anyway I think this thing is kinda close. 

View attachment Stegosaurus dating pic.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 12, 2007)

[


Jane said:


> Free's Don Johnson fascination REALLY has me worried. Should I intervene, or just sit back and let it run its course?





Jane said:


> Oh, no, Anta...it was you NOT Free....I'm so DISAPPOINTED.
> (Sobbing)





Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Will you please explain why you have been on a quest of posting Don Johnson pics all over the forum?



I don't know what either of you are talking about. I could quit any time I want. It's only a few pictures, here and there, not like an addiction or anything. It's not really affecting my work, is it? Besides, who are _you_ to talk?   _*furtively posts another Don Johnson pic*_ Are you calling me obsessed? What is this, a witch hunt?



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Please don't post any more of the OLD Don- just the younger Don- I NEED those memories.......



I've been doing my best since seeing this post to only post old-ish pics of Don for you, GEF. It's hard on me since I really do like how surreal some of the newer wrinkled/tanned-Hollywood-prune ones look. 

I can promise that this is only a passing phase. Thanks for bearing with me during this troubling and unsettling time. :bow: 

View attachment don_johnson12.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 12, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Dear Santa,
> can you answer me the question of all questions?
> Looking forward to your answer,
> Timberwolf



It's in the back on the right, Timberwolf. 

View attachment Timberlord.gif


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 12, 2007)

Esme said:


> Sure, it all seems like a fun, childhood rhyme... but I really want to know:
> How much wood _could_ a woodchuck chuck?
> These are the questions that keep me awake at night.



I always wondered the same thing, Esme. You're not alone.

So with the help of a buddy of mine who owns a home in the suburbs with a big backyard next to a heavily wooded area, we decided to set up a little experiment in the yard to learn exactly how much wood they _do_ chuck. And what we learned was quite surprising.

Please excuse my language, Esme, but once those little fuckers get going they can chuck a _hell_ of a lot of wood! :doh: Talk about being kept awake, my buddy and his family could hardly sleep for a few nights because those woodchucks were making so much noise out there, throwing the wood around, biting it and stuff (and they kept bringing their friends too, more and more of them.)  Soon we had to put up an electric fence and set traps. It was very sad.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 12, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dear Santa,
> Have I been cursed with a neverending cold? How do I get rid of it? Must I make a sacrifice? Thank you.
> Kim



It's hard to say, Kim. You posted your question four and a half days ago. (Sorry about my slowness in replying but federal law requires that I wait four days before answering any medical question.) Are you still sick? Is there mucus? (I found a picture for you on the web of "Mr. Mucus", see below.)

But back to your cold. Have you tried sneezing? Are your ears hot? (Mine get hot when I'm sick.) Do your eyes itch or burn? Coughing a lot?

If the answer to any of the above is "yes", then a sacrifice might be in order. Something small to start, then if that doesn't work try something bigger. I suggest maybe sacrificing a spider or if not that, a small stuffed animal or plastic figurine. You could even tear up or burn a magazine you haven't finished reading yet or smash up an old VHS video- those would be considered sacrifices.

If those sacrifices don't work, BBWSweetheart, then you'll need to try bigger and bigger ones until you're well.  Because that's how sacrifices work, once you start you have to continue doing bigger and bigger ones until one works - there's no turning back. Good luck and good health to you!

Pictured below: Mr. Mucus 

View attachment mr-mucus_sitting.jpg


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 12, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> It's in the back on the right, Timberwolf.


:huh::huh::huh: :blink::blink::blink:  ?


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 12, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> [
> 
> I've been doing my best since seeing this post to only post old-ish pics of Don for you, GEF. It's hard on me since I really do like how surreal some of the newer wrinkled/tanned-Hollywood-prune ones look.
> 
> *I can promise that this is only a passing phase. Thanks for bearing with me during this troubling and unsettling time*. :bow:




Just to let you know that Don and I always got your back


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 14, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> :huh::huh::huh: :blink::blink::blink:  ?



(I thought you were asking where the restroom was, Cousin Timber.) But just in case there were spiritual concerns used a pic of Jesus pointing the way.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 14, 2007)

Accept said:


> Hope I'm not encroaching on Santa's territory here, but Kerry and I have used our two cell phones while living together for the past year and a half without any landline, and there have been absolutely no problems.



No prob, Cousin Accept, "Encroach" is practically my middle name and welcome to the boards btw! 

I should warn ya tho that answers on this thread are rarely so cut and dried. I may not get to Punkin's reply for a few days, by then new brands of cell phones will have been introduced, technology will have changed, people will have come and gone, and I'll try to make the answer as complicated as possible.


----------



## rainyday (Jan 14, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> It's in the back on the right, Timberwolf.



I am unable to rep you again so I will just continue to sit here snort laughing for a while longer. Possibly my all-time favorite Anta answer. (Nevermind that He's pointing to the left.)


----------



## Aliena (Jan 16, 2007)

Dear Santa, 

I know I've not posted in this thread for a long while, but I must explain in order to ask my question. 
Every time I come to this thread, I find that the beverage I'm sipping on will find it's way into my nasal passages seeking the nostrils to exit. No matter how hard I try to close off the opening to my nasal space, the liquid leaks through. Before I know it, I have beverage all over the front of my blouse. 

Do you have any methods or suggestions that would keep my drinks from exiting my body this way, other than the traditional method of peeing?


----------



## Jane (Jan 16, 2007)

Aliena said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> I know I've not posted in this thread for a long while, but I must explain in order to ask my question.
> Every time I come to this thread, I find that the beverage I'm sipping on will find it's way into my nasal passages seeking the nostrils to exit. No matter how hard I try to close off the opening to my nasal space, the liquid leaks through. Before I know it, I have beverage all over the front of my blouse.
> ...



What? People no longer appreciate a good nasal douche?


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 17, 2007)

jamie said:


> I just found 3 eyelashes on my cheek. Are my eyelids going bald and do you have any lines on toupees for very very small places?



Not to worry, sweet Jamie. Your eyelids are going bald but it's just another of the effects of global warming. Mother Nature is winding down for a much needed long sleep after playing host to humanity for all this time. :bow: Your eyes no longer need the lashes to keep them warm. Soon Jesus, the Aliens, No One, or something else (depending on what you believe) will be here to take us away from all this.

Toupees can be purchased at the Dimensions canteen. (Click on F10, then "yes".)


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 17, 2007)

rainyday said:


> Not to echo Greeneyes, but Don Johnson in all the birthday threads is scaring me. Will he be gone by the time my birthday rolls around in June? I think your roasted chicken was much more pleasant and definitely more festive.



Believe me, Rainy, I'm as scared about this as anyone. I agree the pleasant roasted chicken was indeed the more festive choice. Thanks for bearing with me on this , everyone - hopefully Mr. Johnson will be gone (from my posts) by June. 

View attachment pleasant chicken.jpg


View attachment omg.jpg


----------



## Ericthonius (Jan 17, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Not to worry, sweet Jamie...
> 
> Soon Jesus, the Aliens, No One, or something else (depending on what you believe) will be here to take us away from all this.



You ain't kiddin' Santa...
Wait 'til they see Who's on the cover of next week's, 
"*TIME Magazine*"
View attachment fsm-and-mary.jpg


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 17, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Believe me, Rainy, I'm as scared about this as anyone. I agree the pleasant roasted chicken was indeed the more festive choice. Thanks for bearing with me on this , everyone - hopefully Mr. Johnson will be gone (from my posts) by June.


Looking at the pics... honestly, where's the difference?


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 17, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Believe me, Rainy, I'm as scared about this as anyone. I agree the pleasant roasted chicken was indeed the more festive choice. Thanks for bearing with me on this , everyone - hopefully Mr. Johnson will be gone (from my posts) by June.



I have to admit that I would prefer the YOUNG Don over that chicken for my own birthday......:wubu:


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 17, 2007)

Dear Santa,

do you know what a "homo sapiens canis lupus erectus" is?


----------



## rainyday (Jan 23, 2007)

Timber, that sounds like something that should go in the "C'mon on wolves, name your appendage" thread.


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 23, 2007)

ROFL! I'd seen it coming...
Too bad I can't rep you yet, gotta do some spreading...


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jan 23, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> No prob, Cousin Accept, "Encroach" is practically my middle name and welcome to the boards btw!
> 
> I should warn ya tho that answers on this thread are rarely so cut and dried. I may not get to Punkin's reply for a few days, by then new brands of cell phones will have been introduced, technology will have changed, people will have come and gone, and I'll try to make the answer as complicated as possible.




Dear Santa,
Well, I've been waiting for your complicated answer, but my hubby didn't. He signed us up with the family plan with Cingular! I am now the proud owner of a little Pantech cell phone. We decided to keep our home phone, but downgraded the options to basic. I think since our little winter blast, hubby wanted to be sure I had a reliable source of communication, in case of emergencies. Thanks for your time anyway. Perhaps I'll come up with a more interesting puzzle to solve at a later date!

 Punkin

P.S. The photo was taken the morning after our "blizzard"! Haha! Ignore the date on the photo - I still haven't figured out how to correct the date. The actual date taken was January 17th, 2007! 

View attachment Ella in the snow, January 2007.jpg


----------



## Michelle (Jan 27, 2007)

Dear Anta:

I believe you may be shirking your duties in this thread. Poor Punkin actually had to figure her problem out for herself (or her hubby did)! And you haven't answered Cousin Wolf about the "homo sapiens canis lupus erectus" (sounds very dirty to me).

So my questions to you on this early Saturday morning:

1) Are we posters not meeting your needs? 
2) Is there something we Anta regulars can do to bring you back to the fold here? 
3) Does the thread need to be taken in another direction?
4) Did the Swami thread take the wind out of your sails?
5) Are you angry with us?
6) Should Cousin Wolf start writing his posts backwards?
7) Does xanthum gum turn you on?
8) Why do people call them "cradles"?
9) Bmp doc gif jpe jpeg jpg pdf png psd txt zip?


----------



## Aliena (Jan 27, 2007)

My question wasn't answer either, Michelle. I suppose maybe it was something that stumped Don Johnson, so it was best left alone? :huh: 

((((((Santa))))))

I also remember you forgot to bring me the dancing ballerina doll (the one that looked Valerie Bertinelli) I asked for in 1979. 

Maybe I'm not a good girl. 


***runs off screaming to do a self-evaluation***


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 28, 2007)

Punkin1024 said:


> Hubby and I are considering disconnecting our home phone and going with using cellphones instead. We are really leaning towards this decision, however, I don't want to be too hasty in making a change. Are there really good reasons to keep our standard home phone in place?





Punkin1024 said:


> Well, I've been waiting for your complicated answer, but my hubby didn't. He signed us up with the family plan with Cingular! I am now the proud owner of a little Pantech cell phone. We decided to keep our home phone, but downgraded the options to basic. I think since our little winter blast, hubby wanted to be sure I had a reliable source of communication, in case of emergencies. Thanks for your time anyway. Perhaps I'll come up with a more interesting puzzle to solve at a later date!



Hi Punkin!  

Well, ain't that somethin'!  Here you've made what looks to be a perfect system of posts for the "Dear Santa" thread, Punkin. First, you post your question, a seemingly innocent enough one about cell phones. Then, I stress about it for _two and a half weeks_  , the whole time hiding and thinking, _"Cell phones!  OMG! OMG! OMG! :doh: :blink: What am I gonna SAY???!!"_ :shocked: :huh: 

Then your hubby buys the phone and the problem is solved and we get a pretty picture of you standing in the snow to boot! Thanks for posting! 



Friday said:


> Been wrestling with that question too for a while. 'Anta?



See above!


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 28, 2007)

Aliena said:


> Every time I come to this thread, I find that the beverage I'm sipping on will find it's way into my nasal passages seeking the nostrils to exit. No matter how hard I try to close off the opening to my nasal space, the liquid leaks through. Before I know it, I have beverage all over the front of my blouse.
> Do you have any methods or suggestions that would keep my drinks from exiting my body this way, other than the traditional method of peeing?



Hi, Aliena. No, short of wearing an intra-nasal dam (an oral surgeon could probably fit you for one but cheaper not to read the thread or maybe just skim the posts and wear a bib) I have few solutions.

One idea would be an acupuncture-like system of straws inserted lightly around the head and nasal area, while using a (rubber) bib to catch drippings. A mop-style blouse (available at finer costume stores) will help sop up spew and drool too. I do it with meds, a mild anti-sputterant taken 15 minutes before visiting Dimensions.

Pee is traditional and sometimes old traditions are the best. It may seem vulgar but this is Dimensions, so go right ahead, Aliena, we'll turn our heads. (Actually would you mind, just this time, going on the next thread down?) Thanks, Aliena!


----------



## Aliena (Jan 28, 2007)

Thank you Santa!! I think I'm going to look into the intra-nasal dam. This thread is difficult to skim through and to find a bib that will fit around my neck is difficult. 

I think I'll call my dentist and ask the nurse about how much the intra-nasal dam would run me. You think it would cost more than a boob job?


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jan 28, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Hi Punkin!
> 
> Well, ain't that somethin'!  Here you've made what looks to be a perfect system of posts for the "Dear Santa" thread, Punkin. First, you post your question, a seemingly innocent enough one about cell phones. Then, I stress about it for _two and a half weeks_  , the whole time hiding and thinking, _"Cell phones!  OMG! OMG! OMG! :doh: :blink: What am I gonna SAY???!!"_ :shocked: :huh:
> 
> ...


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 28, 2007)

Seems like my last question was a bit difficult... :huh:


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 29, 2007)

Punkin1024 said:


> I am SO sorry that you stressed out over my simple cell phone question.



Nah, Punkin, no need to be sorry at all. You have your phone now and the thread has moved forward. I think it's all worked out well and I'm glad you posted!


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jan 31, 2007)

Dear Santa,
I've got 3 days off from work and I'm trying to figure out how to NOT do something productive while I'm at home. I always feel guilty just spending time watching t.v. or reading a book instead of doing something more constructive - like putting away the Christmas decorations. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Punkin


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Ericthonius said:


> You ain't kiddin' Santa...
> Wait 'til they see Who's on the cover of next week's,
> "*TIME Magazine*"
> View attachment 13972



KeeRIPES, Cousin Eric, these things has scared the holy bejeebus outta me!!  

Whatever your religious beliefs are, it can't be denied: They walk among us. :bow: 

Here's a great shot of one of 'em that SocialBFly took (she already posted it on the "Hi.. Is anyone into photography?" thread.) She either caught it in her basement going through her stuff or in her backyard one night last summer. Either way it's a chilling wake-up call and we only have Bush to blame.

left: From Ericthonius, alien meddling with religious American and family values
right: SocialBfly's stunning photo of possible chilling activity


----------



## Friday (Jan 31, 2007)

Hey! I think the one on the right is a Chihuly. Joy? Whatcha think?


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Here's another very disturbing alien photo taken by a reader in New Jersey last June. In this case the little bugger had disguised himself as a chicken and was about to be eaten by the hapless family when the BBW mom noticed something amiss - the real chicken had been "hidden" on the floor in the pantry under a towel. 

View attachment yum.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Looking at the pics... honestly, where's the difference?



Johnson is only lightly breaded and you cook him at a lower temperature.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I have to admit that I would prefer the YOUNG Don over that chicken for my own birthday......:wubu:



You really want a pic of him straddling that chicken? I'll see what I can find.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Do you know what a "homo sapiens canis lupus erectus" is?



No. Er, I mean, is it you, Cousin Wolf? (My original answer before googling would have been somewhat racy, but now I see "canis lupus" is a wolf so we get a man-wolf who stands erect.)


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Michelle said:


> I believe you may be shirking your duties in this thread. Poor Punkin actually had to figure her problem out for herself (or her hubby did)! And you haven't answered Cousin Wolf about the "homo sapiens canis lupus erectus" (sounds very dirty to me).
> 
> So my questions to you on this early Saturday morning:
> 
> ...



Hi Michelle, "Shirking" is my middle name (well, after "Encroach".) Hopefully, once Punkin saw how much shirking, stressing, hemming and hawing I was doing over one simple post she grew to appreciate her snowy life even more, and it also gave her hubby a taste of how unreliable the people she meets on web are. Googling while trying to answer Mr. Wolf's question led me to a few hot wolf porn sites and that's actually where I was all that time.

1) The posters are meeting my needs.
2) I really do enjoy the folds but no, there's nothing.
3) Probably not. I was thinking about posting maps for awhile (see #4 about the sails) but it's not time yet.
4) After I outed Swami "E" aka the Swami-E on his own thread for trying to peddle BBW's "E" as a weight loss tool (and really I was just guessing but it looks like I might've been correct) he vanished, apparently. Perhaps he thought that BBWs tripping on "E" would be easy to seduce. He's probably regrouping, recharging or else found the Lord or in rehab. The wind is lightly nipping at my sails.
5) Yes, I am very angry at everyone. Not for who you are or what you have done but for what you _could_ have done that I have not. The Earth is like an unbelieveably huge horse that we all ride together. If no one holds the reins, the horse will eventually stop running. Either way the horse will need water and rest. I forgot what my point was here.
6) I don't think all the posters will like it if Mr. Wolf writes it all backwards. But that decision is up to him.
7) Nah, I'm not a "Gummy".
8) Them cradles do a fine job, rocking the babies back and forth. It's when the bough breaks you have to watch out for. "Cradle" comes from the Spanish word "creer" meaning "to believe". (I made that last part up.)
9) Bmp? But only if the file's compressed.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Aliena said:


> I also remember you forgot to bring me the dancing ballerina doll (the one that looked Valerie Bertinelli) I asked for in 1979.
> Maybe I'm not a good girl.
> ***runs off screaming to do a self-evaluation***



The doll is on backorder, Aliena, it's not you. As soon as we can get more in stock we'll ship. :bow:


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Punkin1024 said:


> I've got 3 days off from work and I'm trying to figure out how to NOT do something productive while I'm at home. I always feel guilty just spending time watching t.v. or reading a book instead of doing something more constructive - like putting away the Christmas decorations. Any suggestions?



You mean how NOT to do something productive? I don't think you should feel guilty about relaxing on your time off by watching TV or reading a book. You could probably ALSO put away the Christmas decorations (unless you're one of those families who have a truckload of decorations and a generator for the lights and nativity displays....then I'd say, hey, just leave it out till next year and let the people suffer.)

You could do something very uncharacteristic, like go into a store or restaurant and create a ruckus. Or hang out outside the local high school and smoke cigarettes with the bad teens. (That would make for some good photos at least.) 

Enjoy your time off, Punkin!


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 31, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> No. Er, I mean, is it you, Cousin Wolf? (My original answer before googling would have been somewhat racy, but now I see "canis lupus" is a wolf so we get a man-wolf who stands erect.)


An upright-standing man-wolf, you say?
:huh: :blink: 
Isn't that the description of a werewolf?


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## Santaclear (Jan 31, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> An upright-standing man-wolf, you say?
> :huh: :blink:
> Isn't that the description of a werewolf?



Well, that's one kind of standing man-wolf, yes. (Oddly, the woodcut drawing I found of a werewolf is not standing.) But not all upright-standing man-wolves are werewolves, I think, Cousin um, Wolf. Here's the wikipedia entry so you can compare.

_A werewolf (also lycanthrope or wolfman) in folklore and mythology is a person who shapeshifts into a wolf or wolflike creature, either purposely, by using magic, or after being placed under a curse. The medieval chronicler Gervase of Tilbury associated the transformation with the appearance of the full moon, but this concept was rarely associated with the werewolf until the idea was picked up by modern fiction writers. Most modern fiction agrees that a werewolf can be killed if shot by a silver bullet, although this was not a feature of folk legends. Werewolves are sometimes held to become vampires after death._

Does it sound familiar? 

View attachment CousinWolf Alterego.jpg


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 31, 2007)

No, not really.

But did you know there are also other kinds of werebeings?


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jan 31, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> You mean how NOT to do something productive? I don't think you should feel guilty about relaxing on your time off by watching TV or reading a book. You could probably ALSO put away the Christmas decorations (unless you're one of those families who have a truckload of decorations and a generator for the lights and nativity displays....then I'd say, hey, just leave it out till next year and let the people suffer.)
> 
> You could do something very uncharacteristic, like go into a store or restaurant and create a ruckus. Or hang out outside the local high school and smoke cigarettes with the bad teens. (That would make for some good photos at least.)
> 
> Enjoy your time off, Punkin!



HaHa! Well, I do leave some Christmas lights up - inside - I call it my "theater lighting". I'm not one for doing uncharacterstic stuff - especially smoking cigarettes (cough) - ugh! They just passed a no smoking law in Abilene anyway. Though I may go shopping by myself, something I really have to want to do because I prefer to shop with hubby or friends. But I will go to Russell Stovers to stock up on my favorite sugar-free chocolates - my stash is getting dangerously low! They have the Christmas candy on deep discount now.  

~Punkin


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## bbwsweetheart (Feb 2, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Do you think such things as were-M&Ms exist, and should I be worried about a blue were-M&M in particular?

Thank you. :bow:


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## Aliena (Feb 2, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> The doll is on backorder, Aliena, it's not you. As soon as we can get more in stock we'll ship. :bow:



But Santa, Valerie is no longer hip and I'm thinking I want my ballerina to look like Brittney. Is there a way we could change the face of my doll? 
If it must look like Valerie Bertinelli, could it be one of those Wetsy-Betsy's? It could prepare me for being a geriatric. :blink: 

Cancel that Santa, I'm making this too complicated. If you would, I'll take the Brittney Spears ballerina, but please make sure she's NOT anatomically correct, because I'd hate to find her trying to mate with Mr. Farkus. (my 10 year old teddy-bear)


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 2, 2007)

Aliena said:


> ...
> If you would, I'll take the Brittney Spears ballerina, but please make sure she's NOT anatomically correct, because I'd hate to find her trying to mate with Mr. Farkus. (my 10 year old teddy-bear)


Don't you think your teddy-bear is a little too young for such actions?


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 8, 2007)

Dear Santa,

you seem to be very busy with some other projects of yours. Do you need someone to take care of this thread until you come back?

Just wondering,

Timberwolf


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 8, 2007)

Friday said:


> Hey! I think the one on the right is a Chihuly. Joy? Whatcha think?



Yes, it is (I didn't know what you were talking about but I just googled and you're right. He's good!)

below: part of a Chihuly work in glass, photo by SocialBFly 

View attachment extraterrestrialvarmintbySocialBfly.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 8, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> But did you know there are also other kinds of werebeings?





bbwsweetheart said:


> Do you think such things as were-M&Ms exist, and should I be worried about a blue were-M&M in particular?



Yes, Cousins Wolf and Sweetheart, I did know this. For every known being on Earth (and this goes for clowns and microscopic life as well) there's a corresponding Were-version. It gets pretty crowded with all the species running around and some of them seem pretty gross to humans, such as the Wereslug, the Weresnake, the Weresnail and of course the one which populates the underside of this thread, the Weregeoduck.  :bow: 

Bbwsweetheart, most foods do not have a Were-version but I'm afraid M&M's are an exception. Maybe you recall the big Were-M&M's scare in the '90s which decimated a town in Massachusetts where the factory was. Well, it turns out they're all pretty safe, Were or not, except for the blue ones which were either Rogue M&M's or Viagra. I say toss it just to be on the safe side.


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 8, 2007)

Punkin1024 said:


> Well, I do leave some Christmas lights up - inside - I call it my "theater lighting". I'm not one for doing uncharacteristic stuff - especially smoking cigarettes (cough) - ugh! They just passed a no smoking law in Abilene anyway. Though I may go shopping by myself, something I really have to want to do because I prefer to shop with hubby or friends. But I will go to Russell Stovers to stock up on my favorite sugar-free chocolates - my stash is getting dangerously low! They have the Christmas candy on deep discount now.



I hate cigarettes too, Punkin, but I thought visually they'd go great for a "Bad Punkin" uncharacteristic photo series, ya know, you in a PVC skirt, dark lipstick, maybe even a Bettie Page wig, corrupting the local youth outside the high school during lunch hour. (I just googled and see the smoking ban affects all enclosed indoor businesses and certain designated outside areas.....that probably includes high schools.) Ah well.


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 8, 2007)

Aliena said:


> But Santa, Valerie is no longer hip and I'm thinking I want my ballerina to look like Brittney. Is there a way we could change the face of my doll?
> If it must look like Valerie Bertinelli, could it be one of those Wetsy-Betsy's? It could prepare me for being a geriatric. :blink:
> Cancel that Santa, I'm making this too complicated. If you would, I'll take the Britney Spears ballerina, but please make sure she's NOT anatomically correct, because I'd hate to find her trying to mate with Mr. Farkus. (my 10 year old teddy-bear)



Man, Aliena, I'm learning so much from this thread! I googled "Wetsy-Betsy" and I tell you.....those dolls must have really been something in their day!  :bow: (Here's a pic of a "Vintage Wetsy-Betsy" doll I saw for sale on E-Bay - the description says she comes with diapers and is "cute" but the facial expression looks a tad psycho to me.)

Our doctors are currently at work, Aliena, neutering your Britney Spears ballerina.  

View attachment worrisome.JPG


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 8, 2007)

Aliena said:


> If you would, I'll take the Brittney Spears ballerina, but please make sure she's NOT anatomically correct, because I'd hate to find her trying to mate with Mr. Farkus. (my 10 year old teddy-bear)





Timberwolf said:


> Don't you think your teddy-bear is a little too young for such actions?



Good point, Cousin Wolf. There's actually a class action lawsuit going on now here in the states against the teddy bear industry, and if they win the only teddy bears we'll be seeing will be in a museum or zoo, or working undercover for the Vice Squad. Turns out the emotional age of a teddy bear tops at around three years (according to scientists.) That sets a hell of a lot of Americans up for Wrongful Mingling charges at least. We'll have to wait and see how this plays out. 

View attachment covertofficerteddybear.jpg


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## Santaclear (Feb 8, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> you seem to be very busy with some other projects of yours. Do you need someone to take care of this thread until you come back?
> Just wondering



Nah, Brother Wolf, but thanks. I post so sporadically here because my sleep schedule is super erratic (to put it mildly) and I want to be at my best, knowing there are people who build their LIVES on the advice from this thread. After a few of the senseless casualties that happened early in the thread I realized this is serious stuff.


----------



## Friday (Feb 8, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Wouldn't a chocolate bong be kinda messy to use? It's been so many years...


----------



## rainyday (Feb 9, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Here's a pic of a "Vintage Wetsy-Betsy" doll I saw for sale on E-Bay



Does she come with vintage water inside her? I'm not sure I'd like that.


And screw the dolls and teddies. I'd just like chocolate please. (But not with a side of Don Johnson, thanks.)


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## swamptoad (Feb 9, 2007)

Thimbled in clockwise, befuddled in ranch dressin', ah quick-wittedly pranced aloof mah noggin some elusive ponnerments t'skil'fully cappure a mood of disbelief. 

Whuffo' did ah not use ketchup?


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Feb 10, 2007)

:doh:


Santaclear said:


> Yes, Cousins Wolf and Sweetheart, I did know this. For every known being on Earth (and this goes for clowns and microscopic life as well) there's a corresponding Were-version. It gets pretty crowded with all the species running around and some of them seem pretty gross to humans, such as the Wereslug, the Weresnake, the Weresnail and of course the one which populates the underside of this thread, the Weregeoduck.  :bow:
> 
> Bbwsweetheart, most foods do not have a Were-version but I'm afraid M&M's are an exception. Maybe you recall the big Were-M&M's scare in the '90s which decimated a town in Massachusetts where the factory was. Well, it turns out they're all pretty safe, Were or not, except for the blue ones which were either Rogue M&M's or Viagra. I say toss it just to be on the safe side.



Thank you for your words of wisdom, Cousin Santa! :bow: 

Even the mention of the dreaded weregeoduck makes me shudder and want to hide under my bed!!

How could I forget the big Were-M&M's scare in the '90s. :doh: 

Hmmm. It seems such a waste to toss the blue were-M&M away. What if I eat him instead?? :bounce: :eat1: If he's a big viagra, I'd just become extra ... energetic for my sweetie! Right?


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 11, 2007)

Friday said:


> Wouldn't a chocolate bong be kinda messy to use? It's been so many years...



Very right, Friday, a chocolate bong is a most impractical idea and I can hardly imagine one lasting for more than one or two uses, let alone for many years. 

First of all the chocolate would melt all over one's mouth and face and hands, pieces would always be dropping off and chipping. Loading it would be a nuisance. Even if you finally got it lit it then it would start melting and sagging into a pile of mush.


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 11, 2007)

rainyday said:


> Does she come with vintage water inside her? I'm not sure I'd like that.
> And screw the dolls and teddies. I'd just like chocolate please. (But not with a side of Don Johnson, thanks.)



Yes, she comes with the original water but it can be filtered.

This problem of screwing the teddies is a major part of what that class action lawsuit is about, Rainy. The whole industry is in an uproar. One of the bigger manufacturers, in announcing their spring line of bears is tentatively using the reassuring slogan, "This time around nobody gets screwed!"  

I don't think this will help them sell the teddy bears to their target market, and considering the lawsuit hasn't been resolved yet the slogan implies some measure of culpability. It will be interesting to see if all stuffed animal manufacturers follow suit. 

View attachment 08-truffles.jpg


----------



## rainyday (Feb 11, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> This problem of screwing the teddies is a major part of what that class action lawsuit is about, Rainy. The whole industry is in an uproar. One of the bigger manufacturers, in announcing their spring line of bears is tentatively using the reassuring slogan, "This time around, no one is getting screwed!"



Maybe I've just never seen an anatomically correct teddy bear, but think this lawsuit is going to get thrown out as soon as someone shows the jury the distinct lack of open seams anywhere on a teddy. Unless they bring in a trick bear, of course.




[SIZE=-2]Only in this thread would the improbability of teddy bear molestation come up. Maybe that's a good thing. And thank you for the DJ-free chocolate. 
[/SIZE]


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 11, 2007)

rainyday said:


> Maybe I've just never seen an anatomically correct teddy bear, but think this lawsuit is going to get thrown out as soon as someone shows the jury the distinct lack of open seams anywhere on a teddy.



Well, I HAVE seen some, Rainy, and let me tell you girl, between you and me, some of those bears are HUNG. :bow: It isn't right. I refuse to believe real-life bears could ever live up to that. The female bears are cute too, but the equipment they sport would make the wildest claims on the "Coochie" thread look tame by comparison. The entire industry needs to be regulated.


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 11, 2007)

I confess I'd sometimes better keep my thoughts where they came from... :doh:


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## bbwsweetheart (Feb 11, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> I confess I'd sometimes better keep my thoughts where they came from... :doh:



Lol. Seconded!


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 11, 2007)

:blink: :huh:?


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 11, 2007)

Dear Santa, 

I think You, Timberwolf and Swamptoad seem like three of the nicest guys on the board(though there are many more  ) Just felt the need to share.


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Feb 11, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> :blink: :huh:?



I agree that you should keep your thoughts in your head!!!!

@ Green Eyed Fairy - I agree with you about TW, Swamptoad, and Santa being three of the nicest guys on the board! I don't know Cousin Santa as well as I do TW and Swamptoad, but I've noticed that he never has an unkind word to post.

However, I have to add :wubu: GeorgeNL:wubu: to your list! Also, Mr. Ho Ho.


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 11, 2007)

GEF, bbwsh, allow me to :blush:...


----------



## activistfatgirl (Feb 12, 2007)

Yes for nice guys and nice people in general, which is pretty much everybody on this thread.

Santa,

Do you think it would be a contradiction in my politics if I became a kept woman? I swear to do good with not-worked-for riches, though of course, being totally fine is hard work!

Also, does it rain a lot in the bay area?

Sincerely,
AFG

P.S. Why does Connecticut have that extra "C" in it?

P.P.S. I may have asked this already. If I have, just pat my head, it'll keep me busy for awhile. Or hand me a good book.


----------



## Frankie (Feb 12, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> P.S. Why does Connecticut have that extra "C" in it?



And why isn't it spelled with the far superior "k"?


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 12, 2007)

swamptoad said:


> Thimbled in clockwise, befuddled in ranch dressin', ah quick-wittedly pranced aloof mah noggin some elusive ponnerments t'skil'fully cappure a mood of disbelief.
> Whuffo' did ah not use ketchup?



Excellent post, Cousin Toad, very poetic! I got a very clear mental picture this time of you prancing around post-befuddlement, taking the bull by the horns and becoming the master of your own disbelief rather than letting it master you. 

Ketchup would be a little easier to clean than ranch dressing, I think (not sure), but yours is a messy path either way. Next time try the ketchup and compare.


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## swamptoad (Feb 12, 2007)

Thanks mighty much fo' yer advice kind suh. Perhaps ah sh'd've tried both fum th' start. Then ah w'd've been able t'tell how these ponnerments keep elusively excapin' fum mah noggin, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah hoombly apologize fo' mah lackadaisical temperament. :doh:


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Feb 12, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> GEF, bbwsh, allow me to :blush:...



Santa! Help! What does GEF mean?

According to wikipedia the following are possiblities:

GEF or Gef May refer to

Global Education Festival - San Remo 
Global Environment Facility 
Guanine nucleotide exchange factor 
Graphical Editing Framework 
Gef the talking mongoose, a famed poltergeist story from the Isle of Man


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 12, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Santa! Help! What does GEF mean?
> 
> According to wikipedia the following are possiblities:
> 
> ...



GEF = Green Eyed Fairy 



Just in case you were being serious....


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## Timberwolf (Feb 12, 2007)

Do you _really_ expect her being serious? 


...when it comes to things like this?


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Feb 12, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> GEF = Green Eyed Fairy
> Just in case you were being serious....



:bow: I WAS being serious! :bow: Once again, I miss the obvious! :doh: 




Timberwolf said:


> Do you _really_ expect her being serious?
> ...when it comes to things like this?



:blush: :blush: TW, I was clueless! I thought the omniscient Santa needed to be consulted! :blush: :blush: :blush:


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 13, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> :bow: I WAS being serious! :bow: Once again, I miss the obvious! :doh:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:huh::blink:Colour me surprised... Where did you have your head? Cloud nine?


----------



## bbwsweetheart (Feb 13, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> :huh::blink:Colour me surprised... Where did you have your head? Cloud nine?



:bow: That's where it is! Thanks! :bow: 

Dear Santa,

Why, when we're deliriously happy, are we said to be on cloud 9? What happened to clouds 1-8? Is there a cloud 10? 

Thank you.

Kim


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 14, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> How could I forget the big Were-M&M's scare in the '90s. :doh:
> Hmmm. It seems such a waste to toss the blue were-M&M away. What if I eat him instead?? :bounce: :eat1: If he's a big viagra, I'd just become extra ... energetic for my sweetie! Right?



Well, maybe and maybe not. Scientists still haven't explained it, bbwsweetheart.

Here in California if you save up the Viagra M&Ms, when you get 20 you just mail 'em in to the DMV and they let ya speed and run red lights for a week. I still don't get it.


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 14, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I think You, Timberwolf and Swamptoad seem like three of the nicest guys on the board (though there are many more  ) Just felt the need to share.


Thanks, GEF!  No idea if that's true, but you're an absolute sweetie.


bbwsweetheart said:


> @ Green Eyed Fairy - I agree with you about TW, Swamptoad, and Santa being three of the nicest guys on the board! I don't know Cousin Santa as well as I do TW and Swamptoad, but I've noticed that he never has an unkind word to post.
> However, I have to add :wubu: GeorgeNL:wubu: to your list! Also, Mr. Ho Ho.





bbwsweetheart said:


> Santa! Help! What does GEF mean?
> According to wikipedia the following are possiblities:
> 
> GEF or Gef May refer to
> ...


And thank you too, Cousin Sweetheart!  (If we all keep meeting like this the rest of the board is gonna think we're pretty creepy.) When Mr. Wolf said "GEF" I thought he meant the Global Education Festival in San Remo. :batting:


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 14, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Our doctors are currently at work, Aliena, neutering your Britney Spears ballerina.



I don't know how to tell you this, Aliena, and especially on Valentine's Day, but something went wrong with the neutering of the doll. Not only did the neutering not "take", but your doll is now pregnant, some sorta high falutin' tubular pregnancy. This is being investigated. The good news is it looks like she'll be the mother of a beautiful healthy baby doll (and you a proud grandma!)  who will sorta look like a cross between Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen. 

View attachment worrisome.JPG


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 16, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Do you think it would be a contradiction in my politics if I became a kept woman? I swear to do good with not-worked-for riches, though of course, being totally fine is hard work!



I dunno, AFG. Somehow you seem too lively to do well as a kept woman. Your intellectual (and other kinds of) curiosity would get the better of you and you'd want to rove, AFG-style. Or once you got the upper hand over your keeper and were free to rove you'd lose respect for the keeper and the wrongness of the situation would tug at you. So yes, it would be a contradiction.



activistfatgirl said:


> Also, does it rain a lot in the bay area?



Winter is the "rainy season" here and it still rains quite a bit less than anywhere else I've been. The weather is phenomenally good, except slightly on the cool side for phenomenally good. Like anywhere, it has it's peculiarities. It never snows. We only get the tiniest hint of summer. We do get the raw terror of earthquakes or firestorms but those occur very rarely.



activistfatgirl said:


> P.S. Why does Connecticut have that extra "C" in it?



Which "C" is the extra one?  They say "Connecticut" rhymes with "ettiquette" and that proper ettiquette states never use a tourniquet on Bernadette when in a state of shock. I will shock you. I will rock you. You can never use that extra "c". Hoosiers are not quasars nor are socks hose. Hookers will misuse you. Connecticut will confuse you. Cops will give you bad directions but you gotta use that extra "c". :bow: Thanks, AFG!


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## Santaclear (Feb 18, 2007)

Frankie said:


> And why isn't it spelled with the far superior "k"?



You're so right, Frankie! I'd never thought about that before. Why _not_ the "k"? I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.


----------



## Timberwolf (Feb 18, 2007)

What's so superior about the "k"?


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 18, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> What's so superior about the "k"?



Hmmm...you know what? You're right, Timberwolf! What the heck IS so damn superior about the "k", anyway? Frankie's argument seemed very convincing. We need to get to the bottom of this.


----------



## Ruby Ripples (Feb 18, 2007)

K stands proud and tall, not curling itself into a cowardly ball ...



(my name being Katy has NOTHING to with it I tell ya)


----------



## Santaclear (Feb 18, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> K stands proud and tall, not curling itself into a cowardly ball ...



Good point, Ruby, and very well said!  So you think "c" is the kowardly letter? Maybe it's not for us to judge.

ETA (after your edit):Hey, wait a minute....are you quoting Scottish nursery rhymes for us now?


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## Ruby Ripples (Feb 18, 2007)

Well... it's more cowardly than K for sure, the most cowardly of all though... I just don't know. I do feel though that Z is the french-accented, moustachio-twirling cad of the alphabet...


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## Santaclear (Feb 26, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> P.S. Why does Connecticut have that extra "C" in it?





Frankie said:


> And why isn't it spelled with the far superior "k"?





Ruby Ripples said:


> Well... it's more cowardly than K for sure, the most cowardly of all though... I just don't know..




OK, new spelling for "Connecticut," and I hope this will please everyone including the Germans and Dutch: "Kinetiquitte." 

Like?


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## Santaclear (Feb 26, 2007)

swamptoad said:


> Thanks mighty much fo' yer advice kind suh. Perhaps ah sh'd've tried both fum th' start. Then ah w'd've been able t'tell how these ponnerments keep elusively excapin' fum mah noggin, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah hoombly apologize fo' mah lackadaisical temperament. :doh:



No, nah y nay, Cousin Toad, there is no need for pologize. The pleasure is ours and I doff my cap to you and those who fuel your noggin, such humble poetic fuddlement is rare and the escaping wisdom a dance of joy to beseech, I mean besmirch. :bow:


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## Timberwolf (Feb 26, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> OK, new spelling for "Connecticut," and I hope this will please everyone including the Germans and Dutch: "Kinetiquitte."
> 
> Like?


*trying to undo the knot in my brain*

Well... :huh:


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## bbwsweetheart (Feb 26, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> OK, new spelling for "Connecticut," and I hope this will please everyone including the Germans and Dutch: "Kinetiquitte."
> 
> Like?



It sounds like I live in a state that's polite and in constant motion. Mmmm. Have to think about that.


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## Santaclear (Mar 2, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dear Santa,
> Why, when we're deliriously happy, are we said to be on cloud 9? What happened to clouds 1-8? Is there a cloud 10?
> Kim



There are actually _millions_ of numbered clouds that correspond to our widely varying moods, Kim. So far only ten are in general use, tho, scientists are still waiting to discover the others. (Pluto is not a cloud.)

Here, I'll make up a quick little song to help you remember each of the numbered clouds and their function.

(cues up '80s "fun" big hair rock 'n roll beat)

_Cloud one -such a lot of fun!  
Cloud two - I got nothin' to do! :huh: 
Cloud three! I feel so free! :blink: 
Cloud four! Someone's at the door!  
Cloud five! Feeling so alive!_ :  :doh: *does little shuffle. Short synthesizer solo*
_Cloud six! Baby, how's tricks?_*dodges egg*
_Cloud seven! Lord, I'm in heaven!_ :bounce: *drum break*
_Cloud eight! It's getting late!_ *Someone call Security!*  
_Cloud nine! I'm feeling fine!_ 
_Cloud ten! Bring out the hen!_ :doh: :bow: *He's done! Praise Allah!*


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## Timberwolf (Mar 2, 2007)

Thanx for clarifying, cousin Santa.
This gives some kind of explanation why we're sent to cloud 7 over here when we're overly happy. This way it won't get too full on the clouds...

My home cloud seems to be #2... :huh:


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## swamptoad (Mar 2, 2007)

Quick! Fry mah hide! Mah fiddlesticks; "nonsense that is" ..excapes swif'ly. An' petrified ideas spit so messily on Tuesdays. But nevahmind thet. Whuffo' sh'd ah fear Wednesday?

And whut plum happened t'my voice? Dis be scarin' me. Should ah' lay off bod de ketchup and ranch dressin' fo' some while? I appreciate any tidbits uh humble advice kind sir! Right on!

*coughs*


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## Michelle (Mar 3, 2007)

swamptoad said:


> Quick! Fry mah hide! Mah fiddlesticks; "nonsense that is" ..excapes swif'ly. An' petrified ideas spit so messily on Tuesdays. But nevahmind thet. Whuffo' sh'd ah fear Wednesday?
> 
> And whut plum happened t'my voice? Dis be scarin' me. Should ah' lay off bod de ketchup and ranch dressin' fo' some while? I appreciate any tidbits uh humble advice kind sir! Right on!


 
Dear Anta:

I haven't checked in here in awhile. Has this thread switched to typing in French? 

I copied the words above in Bablefish and translated from French and came up with: "And it's bad, bad Leroy Brown. The baddest man in the whole damned town. Badder than old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog."

I don't see the question?


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## Timberwolf (Mar 3, 2007)

Francais? :huh:
Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, mais êtes-vous sûr et certain que votre "Bablefish" avait connaissance de francais?


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## Michelle (Mar 3, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Francais? :huh:
> Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, mais êtes-vous sûr et certain que votre "Bablefish" avait connaissance de francais?


 
translates to



> Excuse me, Miss, but are you sure and certain that your "Bablefish" was informed French?


 
Cousin Wolf: Since that was a question, I'll have to refer it to Anta. Maybe what Cousin Toad wrote wasn't French afterall (but it SURE was foreign).


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## Timberwolf (Mar 3, 2007)

Does your Bablefish know Pidgin?


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## Santaclear (Mar 9, 2007)

swamptoad said:


> Quick! Fry mah hide! Mah fiddlesticks; "nonsense that is" ..excapes swif'ly. An' petrified ideas spit so messily on Tuesdays. But nevahmind thet. Whuffo' sh'd ah fear Wednesday?
> And whut plum happened t'my voice? Dis be scarin' me. Should ah' lay off bod de ketchup and ranch dressin' fo' some while? I appreciate any tidbits uh humble advice kind sir! Right on!
> *coughs*



A tisket, a tasket, my good man Mr. Toad! Your escaping fiddlesticks can be another person's pearls of bliss. That is to say that one man's Tuesday is another man's Wednesday, and so on down the line until the week begins again. Likewise for those petrified ideas which are rich in calcium and can yield much data for scientists in the future.

Wednesday will return soon enough, and with it your voice. Until then I advise communicating with table-tapping and long meaningful looks. :bow:


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## Santaclear (Mar 9, 2007)

Michelle said:


> I haven't checked in here in awhile. Has this thread switched to typing in French?
> I copied the words above in Bablefish and translated from French and came up with: "And it's bad, bad Leroy Brown. The baddest man in the whole damned town. Badder than old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog."
> I don't see the question?



They say the French are a deeply sexual people, Michelle, sometimes troublingly so. 

Leroy Brown was bad, all right. Cousin Toad is communicating in a seamless blend of pidgin midwest and cajun French. The thread has indeed taken a turn and I think in time we can expect to see all languages written here.

Sure, King Kong was bad, but I believe he meant well and that makes a difference.


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## Santaclear (Mar 9, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Francais? :huh:
> Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, mais êtes-vous sûr et certain que votre "Bablefish" avait connaissance de francais?





Michelle said:


> *Timberwolf's post* translates to: Quote:
> _"Excuse me, Miss, but are you sure and certain that your "Bablefish" was informed French?"_
> 
> Cousin Wolf: Since that was a question, I'll have to refer it to Anta. Maybe what Cousin Toad wrote wasn't French afterall (but it SURE was foreign).





Timberwolf said:


> Does your Bablefish know Pidgin?



Here we already see an example of how rewarding the rich whirling maelstrom of multi-tiered language threading can be. 

If nothing else, the French can be tiring in their single-minded pursuit of experience at any cost. With all that "muy bueno!," and "Sayonara!" stuff you would expect nothing less from such a fiercely proud and yes, horny people. 

View attachment Timbergod.gif


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## bbwsweetheart (Mar 9, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> There are actually _millions_ of numbered clouds that correspond to our widely varying moods, Kim. So far only ten are in general use, tho, scientists are still waiting to discover the others. (Pluto is not a cloud.)
> 
> Here, I'll make up a quick little song to help you remember each of the numbered clouds and their function.
> 
> ...



Santa, 

Very clever cloud song! 

Isn't the statement that Pluto is not a cloud rather radical? Hasn't it been recognized as a cloud for, well, since it's discovery?

Once again you astound with your superior knowledge of all things. 

*genuflects*


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## Donna (Mar 11, 2007)

Dearest Darling 'Anta; 

First off, my apologies if this has been asked before. I have searched and cannot find the answer I seek, so I must ask: 

What is your obsession with Don Johnson? Other than the obvious physical similarities between you two....:blink: 

Your biggest fan; 
'Lish


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## Santaclear (Mar 12, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Isn't the statement that Pluto is not a cloud rather radical? Hasn't it been recognized as a cloud for, well, since it's discovery?



Are you sure? I had always heard it was thought to be a cloud, but that scientists recently discovered it was not.


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## Santaclear (Mar 12, 2007)

Donnaalicious said:


> What is your obsession with Don Johnson? Other than the obvious physical similarities between you two....:blink:



Hiya, 'Lish!  I wouldn't say I'm _obsessed_ with Don. It's more that I'm obsessed with _obsession,_ if you know what I mean.

(See, I'm getting kinda tired of him myself, so I'll tellya. He and I share the same birthday, that's all. So last birthday I was thinking, "Hmmm, I could use a mascot-type guy, you know, a face people might recognize, to help get me through some of my more boring posts. People could look at him and wonder why he's there. As spring approaches I think we'll be seeing him less as it's his usual time to search for a mate.) :bow: 

View attachment donjohnson.jpg


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## Timberwolf (Mar 12, 2007)

This cloud theory sounds quite interesting to me...


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## Risible (Mar 12, 2007)

Dear Ab-Sant:

Would you believe I've somehow missed this gem of a thread amidst the maelstrom of other threads?

Forgive me if this has been previously hashed over (I did look through the entire thread, however, my eyes quickly locked up until I was able only to stop at, and feast my eyes on, the Don Johnson pix), but my question is: What is the nature of your avatar? From what I can make out, there's a Ferris wheel gone amuck, perhaps an antique firetruck? wagon? in the foreground, purple haze and I don't-know-what-all. I'm quite certain it's a metaphor for something...

Your Friend,

Ris


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 12, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Since you have stated that the Johnson pics will be soon dwindling in your posts, can we start making requests for pics of guys we would like to see? I nominate Orlando Bloom, Brendan Fraser and Keanu Reeves to get us started....


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## Ruby Ripples (Mar 12, 2007)

Dear Santa, I met Don Johnson in August of 1990, and his face was green (true). He had on a khaki coloured suit which clashed horribly against his complexion. Why was he green?


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## bbwsweetheart (Mar 14, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Are you sure? I had always heard it was thought to be a cloud, but that scientists recently discovered it was not.



Dearest Santa,

Why does my brain feel like it's been twisted into a pretzel?

:bow:


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## Timberwolf (Mar 14, 2007)

Dear Santa,

what is a possessive pronoun and why does it want to possess me? 

Help!

TW


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## Santaclear (Mar 14, 2007)

Risible said:


> Dear Ab-Sant:
> Would you believe I've somehow missed this gem of a thread amidst the maelstrom of other threads?
> Forgive me if this has been previously hashed over (I did look through the entire thread, however, my eyes quickly locked up until I was able only to stop at, and feast my eyes on, the Don Johnson pix), but my question is: What is the nature of your avatar? From what I can make out, there's a Ferris wheel gone amuck, perhaps an antique firetruck? wagon? in the foreground, purple haze and I don't-know-what-all. I'm quite certain it's a metaphor for something...
> Your Friend,
> Ris



Hello Ris. Glad you found the thread and thanks! 

I don't think it's been hashed over anywhere on the boards. The avatar is a still of Godzilla (known in Japan as _Gojira!_ - must be exclaimed very fast and with panic) running wild in an amusement park. I forget which Godzilla film it's from. Not that I've any particular Godzilla or monster movie fixation but the colors seem to work. 

View attachment godzilla.jpeg


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## Risible (Mar 14, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Hello Ris. Glad you found the thread and thanks!
> 
> I don't think it's been hashed over anywhere on the boards. The avatar is a still of Godzilla (known in Japan as _Gojira!_ - must be exclaimed very fast and with panic) running wild in an amusement park. I forget which Godzilla film it's from. Not that I've any particular Godzilla or monster movie fixation but the colors seem to work.



Godzilla. And I thought it was purple haze.  Were you to start a thread on What's Your Favorite Godzilla Movie, I'd have to go with Godzilla v. Mothra. A classic.

Dear Santa,

I saw in a previous post somewhere that you've jammed with Wesley of the Plasmatics. First question: Which instrument do you play? Second q: A question of some moment, actually, as this has puzzled me for a longish time. What does the O. stand for in Wendy O. Williams?  

Thanks!

L,R


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## Santaclear (Mar 16, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Since you have stated that the Johnson pics will be soon dwindling in your posts, can we start making requests for pics of guys we would like to see? I nominate Orlando Bloom, Brendan Fraser and Keanu Reeves to get us started....



This is gonna be tough, GEF.  Keanu Reeves, at least I know who he is, seen a few of his movies and he's pretty good. Orlando Bloom I've never even _heard_ of. Fraser I've heard of but I looked him and Bloom up at IMDB and I've never seen anything with either of them. 

Don Johnson, at least I can say I watched almost _two_ (couldn't make it through the second if memory serves) episodes of *Miami Vice.* So he and I have that sort of "special bond." 

Here ya go! Orlando Bloom (who I never heard of.) Hopefully this can be the start of something really big. 

View attachment orlando bloom.jpg


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## Santaclear (Mar 16, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Dear Santa, I met Don Johnson in August of 1990, and his face was green (true). He had on a khaki coloured suit which clashed horribly against his complexion. Why was he green?



Green in August. Nearly 17 years ago. Let's see, you divide 1990 by the number 17 and you get.... 117.0588275 (according to my crappy calculator which needs new batteries) which JUST happens to correspond to (you ready?) the color green on the frequency scale. (I saw a televangelist do stuff like this once, minus the calculator..)

No idea really, Ruby. My sister lives in London. She said she saw Elton John up really close in some sort of parade and that he looked horribly, horribly uglier than she ever could have imagined from seeing him on TV or in photographs. I believe you were blessed. :bow:


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## Santaclear (Mar 16, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dearest Santa,
> Why does my brain feel like it's been twisted into a pretzel?
> :bow:



Cloud theory can be very baffling, Sweetest Heart. I've never been much for pretzels but the hot ones vendors sell on the streets of New York are the best, especially in the wintertime. 

Right now spring is upon us, a time when young minds turn to thoughts of love and all things pretzel-like. Maybe it's air pressure too, are you in an airplane or very high up?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 16, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> This is gonna be tough, GEF.  Keanu Reeves, at least I know who he is, seen a few of his movies and he's pretty good. Orlando Bloom I've never even _heard_ of. Fraser I've heard of but I looked him and Bloom up at IMDB and I've never seen anything with either of them.
> 
> Don Johnson, at least I can say I watched almost _two_ (couldn't make it through the second if memory serves) episodes of *Miami Vice.* So he and I have that sort of "special bond."
> 
> Here ya go! Orlando Bloom (who I never heard of.) Hopefully this can be the start of something really big.



Thank you!  

I sure luvs my man eye candy....


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## Brenda (Mar 16, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Why are you so wise? I find myself up late at night wondering about your ability to answer seemingly impossible questions and finding myself thinking unpure thoughts about you as a result.

Adoringly,

Brenda


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## liz (di-va) (Mar 18, 2007)

Dear Santa:

I'm watching, well, frankly kinda half-watching, the triumphant and seminal film of the French New Wave _Bad Santa_. On Comedy Central. Maybe these questions have been asked before, but despite laughing very hard I am wondering the following...

- Why...if they're talkin about Santa boinking fat chicks are the fat chicks he's boinked in the movie not really fat? Why? Why? Why?

- I don't want anybody to freak out or anything, but I'm not sure this is a great blow for size acceptance, Santa (you santa, not movie santa). I think the words "plus size" and "fat chicks" are just punchlines. Also...Santa (movie santa, not you santa) seems to be fallin in love with the skinny chick, like the fat chicks were just playthings. I'm disappointed--this is not what _Cahiers du Cinema et les Grandes Femmes_ led me to expect. Frowny face.

- Mr. B. Bob Thornton was robbed of the Oscar, he was. It's a sin and a shame. This isn't a question, but a statement.

- I'm enjoying the cussing. God bless late-night cable. Okay, that's not a question either.

Thanks, Santa. I feel better knowing there are places to ask these questions - 

Me


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## Timberwolf (Mar 18, 2007)

Dear Santa,

what can I do to get rid of a possessive pronoun that is stalking me?

TW


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## Santaclear (Mar 18, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> what is a possessive pronoun and why does it want to possess me?
> Help!



If a prounoun becomes too possessive, Cousin Wolf, you might have to break up with her. Have you two tried discussing this yet? Maybe you can get her to back off and give you some space. I once dated an adverb who grew more jealous with time. To test her I began post-dating my checks. She was pregnant with possibility but hell hath no wrath - the baby is still born to this day but we're all friends.

A little different from your unfortunate situation, of course. But if it were me I'd be flattered that she wanted to possess me.

From the web: _'A possessive pronoun is a part of speech that attributes ownership to someone or something. Like all other pronouns, it substitutes a noun phrase, and can prevent its repetition. For example, in the phrase, "These glasses are mine, not yours", the words "mine" and "yours" are possessive pronouns and stand for "my glasses" and "your glasses", respectively.
There are seven possessive pronouns in modern English: mine, yours, his, hers, its, ours, theirs.'_



Timberwolf said:


> what can I do to get rid of a possessive pronoun that is stalking me?



I'm assuming both your posts refer to the same pronoun, if not then the problem probably lies directly with you. Why would I lie to you? If this is truly a stalker pronoun (very rare) and you have no interest then you must gather up all your nouns and adverbs and lash out. Frankly, she's being a bitch about it so what choice do you have? Noun verb adverb, adverb pronoun expletive Proper Noun, expletive. In other words, she's asking for it.

I hope I understood your posts correctly. Have a good remainder of your weekend, Cousin Wolf!


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## chocolate desire (Mar 18, 2007)

Dear Santa why am I a magnet for lowlife scum scrubs??


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 18, 2007)

chocolate desire said:


> Dear Santa why am I a magnet for lowlife scum scrubs??



Same reason I am.....


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## rainyday (Mar 18, 2007)

Dear Santa,

This spring/summer two friends will be visiting me at different times, one for just a short visit and the other for longer. I'd like to leave a couple fun things in the guest room for them to find just to make them welcome but I'm not sure what that should be. Any ideas? One is married, one is single if that happens to affect your suggesions. I'm sure you'll come up with some great ideas.

Fondly,

rainy


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## bbwsweetheart (Mar 18, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Cloud theory can be very baffling, Sweetest Heart. I've never been much for pretzels but the hot ones vendors sell on the streets of New York are the best, especially in the wintertime.
> 
> Right now spring is upon us, a time when young minds turn to thoughts of love and all things pretzel-like. Maybe it's air pressure too, are you in an airplane or very high up?



Dearest Santa,

I must spread rep around before repping you again. :bow: 

I do like pretzels, even the stuffed pretzels that Barnes and Nobles sell in their cafes. 

I am very very very high up, Santa. I've taken up residence on Cloud 9 and would like to stay there with the person who makes me feel giddy for the rest of my life. Perhaps I'll become acclimated to having a pretzel-brain!


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## Esme (Mar 19, 2007)

Dear Santa,

I'm watching my dog and wondering.... WHY do dogs circle around so many times before they curl up for a nap? 

I knew you would be able to answer my question!

Thanks in advance,

Esme


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## Risible (Mar 19, 2007)

Esme said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> I'm watching my dog and wondering.... WHY do dogs circle around so many times before they curl up for a nap?
> 
> ...



Good question, Esme! I await Santa's response in eagerness myself, as I ponder that almost every day. I did hear a joke one day that may shed some light on it: "One good turn deserves another!" That's, like, one of three jokes that I've ever been able to remember.

Santa, what say you?


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## Santaclear (Mar 23, 2007)

Risible said:


> Godzilla. And I thought it was purple haze.  Were you to start a thread on What's Your Favorite Godzilla Movie, I'd have to go with Godzilla v. Mothra. A classic.



I've only seen one or two Godzilla movies, Risable, but wouldn't mind seeing 'em all and becoming an expert. "Godzilla Vs. Mothra" might even be the one I saw. Monster movies were definitely an acquired taste for me; I didn't understand "camp" or horror at all when I was a kid.



Risible said:


> I saw in a previous post somewhere that you've jammed with Wesley of the Plasmatics. First question: Which instrument do you play? Second q: A question of some moment, actually, as this has puzzled me for a longish time. What does the O. stand for in Wendy O. Williams?



I played drums seriously for about 17 years but stopped over a decade ago for a bunch of reasons. (Going deaf, joints were ruined, hard to play drums when you're 40 w/full time job and never sleep and very bad things happened in my band which I'd put 7 years into. Other reasons too!) 

Wesley was part of a crowd of guitarists I knew on Long Island who seemed to aspire toward a New York Dolls-ish sound. We jammed a bunch of times when I visited there '77-78. I made them play _long_ jams, driving space music, I guess, like 20 or 40 minutes each. It was great for me 'cos those were my first rock jams - the guys I knew in Buffalo were quirky fusion/progressive players, experimental but uptight. These L.I. guys were straight rockers. One ended up working with Blondie's drummer, don't know if anything came of that. Wesley wasn't there the whole time and I didn't get to know him but he might remember those jams 'cos the approach was so different. 

The "O" in Wendy O. Williams stands for _Orlean._ Wow.


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## liz (di-va) (Mar 23, 2007)

Santa...why haven't you answered my question, Santa? I am confused.


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## Timberwolf (Mar 27, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Santa...why haven't you answered my question, Santa? I am confused.


I think he may still be researching the topic of your question, as it seems to be quite complicated... It isn't always easy to find a proper answer... 

Now to my question:

Dear Santa,

how can I protect myself from killer notes?
(A killer note is a note reading "You are dead!", which gets instantly true in the second you read it.)
This continuous resurrecting gets a little tiring, if you know what I mean.


Not expecting a quick answer,

TW


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## Santaclear (Mar 28, 2007)

Brenda said:


> Dear Santa,
> Why are you so wise? I find myself up late at night wondering about your ability to answer seemingly impossible questions and finding myself thinking unpure thoughts about you as a result.
> Adoringly,
> Brenda



Thank you for your kind words, Brenda. :bow: Rest assured I have similar thoughts about you. Psychologists call the phenomenon *Birthday Transference* (Brenda and I share the same birthday, folks), where the sufferer ascribes unnatural wisdom and other qualities to others sharing the same birthday as the sufferer. Witness my constant posting of Don Johnson (also same birthday) pics for an extreme glimpse under the belly of this whale of behavioral contention. Shrinks and quacks may disagree as to the exact nature of the disorder and even as to whether it's a disorder, but fortunately all agree it can be treated with ice cream or other treats. 

View attachment dj11298.jpg


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## Santaclear (Mar 28, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Santa...why haven't you answered my question, Santa? I am confused.



We (the staff here at this thread) try to answer the questions in the order they're posted, Liz. Also, confusion builds character (or at least can lead to brow-furrowing, which in dim lighting can pass for character.)
.


liz (di-va) said:


> I'm watching, well, frankly kinda half-watching, the triumphant and seminal film of the French New Wave _Bad Santa_. On Comedy Central. Maybe these questions have been asked before, but despite laughing very hard I am wondering the following...
> - Why...if they're talkin about Santa boinking fat chicks are the fat chicks he's boinked in the movie not really fat? Why? Why? Why?
> - I don't want anybody to freak out or anything, but I'm not sure this is a great blow for size acceptance, Santa (you santa, not movie santa). I think the words "plus size" and "fat chicks" are just punchlines. Also...Santa (movie santa, not you santa) seems to be fallin in love with the skinny chick, like the fat chicks were just playthings. I'm disappointed--this is not what _Cahiers du Cinema et les Grandes Femmes_ led me to expect. Frowny face.
> - Mr. B. Bob Thornton was robbed of the Oscar, he was. It's a sin and a shame. This isn't a question, but a statement.
> ...



I've actually had a few decent-length conversations with the director Terry Zwigoff (He used to come into the store I work at and he also played in the comix artist R. Crumb's group Cheap Suit Serenaders.) Last I saw him _Ghost World_ had finally come out after years of grief and was successful, so I think he moved down to L.A. after that.

Since I haven't seen it I can't comment on his treatment of fat chicks in _Bad Santa._ I'd forgotten that was his film but it's still been on the top of my list of films to see since um, late '03. :blush: (That's how long it's been since I've seen a popular movie.) 

If they indeed talk about boinking fat chicks then by all means, bring the fat ones on. Not punchlines. We love fat chicks so much, much more than skinny ones even and such a scenario causes me to furrow my brow and further build character. I'll have to see this movie ('twill take a while tho 'cos I don't yet own a DVD player.) Thanks for the report, Liz.


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## liz (di-va) (Mar 29, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> We (the staff here at this thread) try to answer the questions in the order they're posted, Liz. Also, confusion builds character (or at least can lead to brow-furrowing, which in dim lighting can pass for character.).



That's...that's true! Sometimes it makes me sad, santa, though, that the furrowing seems to linger on my brow after I'm done being confused, though. Do you know what I mean? This didn't happen when I was 20, so it must be connective to the acquisition of wisdom.



Santaclear said:


> We love fat chicks so much, much more than skinny ones even and such a scenario causes me to furrow my brow and further build character. I'll have to see this movie ('twill take a while tho 'cos I don't yet own a DVD player.) Thanks for the report, Liz.



Thank _you_, santa! Happy brow-furrowing. Thanks for answering my questions!!


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## bbwsweetheart (Mar 30, 2007)

Dearest Santa,

Should we be worried that if you rearrange the letters in your name, they spell Satan? :huh:


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## Risible (Mar 30, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dearest Santa,
> 
> Should we be worried that if you rearrange the letters in your name, they spell Satan? :huh:



Finally someone's worked up the courage to ask... I'm on pins and needles... breathless... 

View attachment santa.jpg


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## Michelle (Mar 30, 2007)

Well, consider this. If you take all the letters in Anta's names -- in real life, on the boards, his drag show stage name and his CIA identity -- and rearrange them, you get "despite what your coworkers say, that's not a bloodstain".


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## Timberwolf (Apr 4, 2007)

Santa can't be Satan... Elseways I'd had met him while signing my contract...
Satan isn't allowed to stay away and send his lawyers to such a ceremony, for the contract would be void.


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## Santaclear (Apr 4, 2007)

chocolate desire said:


> Dear Santa why am I a magnet for lowlife scum scrubs??





Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Same reason I am.....



Chocolate Desire and Green Eyed Fairy, those people you've encountered are _human beings_ after all, and deserve to be spoken of and treated with the same respect as you would any other shitbag douchebrains who've passed through your lives (pardon my language.)

Both of you ladies possess very strong magnetism, if I may say so, so it's only natural that a lot of assholes, crapfaces and just plain jerks would be attracted too (once again, please excuse my rough language.) The trick is to weed out that single person who has some semblance of character from among the thousands, of fakes, losers, nut jobs and lousy chimp hoes. THEN, only then, can you honestly begin to try and build a healthy relationship.


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## Santaclear (Apr 4, 2007)

rainyday said:


> This spring/summer two friends will be visiting me at different times, one for just a short visit and the other for longer. I'd like to leave a couple fun things in the guest room for them to find just to make them welcome but I'm not sure what that should be. Any ideas? One is married, one is single if that happens to affect your suggesions. I'm sure you'll come up with some great ideas.



Let's see, Rainy. Spring and summer. Two friends, friend one and friend two. One visit short, the other longer. One married and one single. 

Let's begin with the number two, representing your friends who are coming. Two is a very strong number. It represents duality, which can only serve to strengthen any single entity, since all things have at least two sides. It represents the positive and negative sides of all existence, two does. But positive and negative cancel each other out. Hence giant sparks shoot out, from the grinding of positive and negative nebulae, creating our world with our God or our Not-God (depending what you believe, and it may not be "ours" and there are many other possibilities as well, maybe depending on what we believe and maybe not.)

So we're here at Dimensions, asking questions, posting and talking. Meanwhile time is passing and soon your friends will be here. What to put in the guest room? I imagine your place to be airy and pleasant, with nice hardwood floors. I wouldn't worry that much. Maybe just before the first visitor comes you'll have some inspiration, but even if you don't your friends will appreciate your hospitality and be glad to be with you and that will be plenty. :wubu: 

Oh wait, I did think of something. Get a large, very large, marmalade jar....I'm thinking 18 inches in diameter or so and six or eight-sided. Fill it about one-quarter full with strawberry preserves or similar reddish fruit jam. Rig up a yellow outdoor lightbulb inside the jar, hanging from the top, inside the lid. Your friends will really dig the way the yellow light casts spooky images on the wall while they're trying to sleep and how weird the whole thing will look as the jam drips and changes and settles. Have fun with your friends, Rainy!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 4, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Chocolate Desire and Green Eyed Fairy, those people you've encountered are _human beings_ after all, and deserve to be spoken of and treated with the same respect as you would any other shitbag douchebrains who've passed through your lives (pardon my language.)
> 
> Both of you ladies possess very strong magnetism, if I may say so, so it's only natural that a lot of assholes, crapfaces and just plain jerks would be attracted too (once again, please excuse my rough language.) The trick is to weed out that single person who has some semblance of character from among the thousands, of fakes, losers, nut jobs and lousy chimp hoes. THEN, only then, can you honestly begin to try and build a healthy relationship.




Thank you so much, oh wise Santa :bow: :batting:


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## jamie (Apr 4, 2007)

Dear Anta...my house is torn apart by a disagreement on what color to paint the office. It must be done this weekend so that we can get the bookshelves up, and therefore getting the 12 boxes/crates of books unpacked and off of my living room carpet. 

I want to paint three of the walls a nice maize color with one of the walls a kind of darkish ocean blue. 

My sig.other. wants to put up samples everywhere and draw it out so he can see it first and then decide...and delaying getting the books out of the living room floor.

The cats have asked that we just fill the room in with litter and mice and leave well enough alone.

Please Anta....how can I convince them all that I am right and they are just there for my entertainment. Please help.

Signed,

a heartbreakingly hued heart hobbling hence.


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## Michelle (Apr 4, 2007)

....................


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## Michelle (Apr 4, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Oh wait, I did think of something. Get a large, very large, marmalade jar....I'm thinking 18 inches in diameter or so and six or eight-sided. Fill it about one-quarter full with strawberry preserves or similar reddish fruit jam. Rig up a yellow outdoor lightbulb inside the jar, hanging from the top, inside the lid. Your friends will really dig the way the yellow light casts spooky images on the wall while they're trying to sleep and how weird the whole thing will look as the jam drips and changes and settles. Have fun with your friends, Rainy!


 
You forgot to mention the various bugs that will settle into the preserves and how their death throes will make little shadow monsters on the wall.

Oh, and also the mold and bacteria and stuff that will accumulate on the old perserves and grow scary jungle scenes.

Also don't forget the smell of the putrifying perserves and bug bodies.

Wow - what a cool suggestion!


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## Santaclear (Apr 5, 2007)

Michelle said:


> You forgot to mention the various bugs that will settle into the preserves and how their death throes will make little shadow monsters on the wall.
> Oh, and also the mold and bacteria and stuff that will accumulate on the old perserves and grow scary jungle scenes.
> Also don't forget the smell of the putrifying perserves and bug bodies.
> Wow - what a cool suggestion!



I thought all that stuff would be fun.  You don't think Rainy's guests will like it?


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## Santaclear (Apr 5, 2007)

Esme said:


> I'm watching my dog and wondering.... WHY do dogs circle around so many times before they curl up for a nap?



I've wondered this too, Esme. All dogs have a built-in compass that points toward the North Pole, where they know they will have to go to get food, water and instructions on how to rule the Earth in case all human life is destroyed in a terrible holocaust or something. Just before they go to sleep they do this circling-around movement as a "reset" mechanism, so that when they awaken their bearings will be fresh. That way they're all ready to depart at a moment's notice, should catastrophe hit. :bow:


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## Santaclear (Apr 5, 2007)

Risible said:


> Good question, Esme! I await Santa's response in eagerness myself, as I ponder that almost every day. I did hear a joke one day that may shed some light on it: "One good turn deserves another!" That's, like, one of three jokes that I've ever been able to remember.
> Santa, what say you?



The turning dog is an interesting phenomenon, Ris. When I was 18 or 19 a college friend had a dog I referred to as the "Clockwise Hound" (after a favorite movie and book of a few years previous, _A Clockwork Orange_.)

The dog was great and otherwise normal but had been somehow traumatized before he got her. Whenever we'd hang out she'd walk in circles, always clockwise, repeating all her movements each time in innocence as if she'd forgotten she'd just done them. I remember one Friday night four or five of us were sitting glumly in a bedroom, bored, me up on a dresser, and the dog kept circling around, neurotically sniffing each of our hands or shoes in the same order over and over again while we looked on sadly. (I used the "one good turn" joke, I'm sure.)


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## Santaclear (Apr 5, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Dear Santa,
> how can I protect myself from killer notes?
> (A killer note is a note reading "You are dead!", which gets instantly true in the second you read it.)
> This continuous resurrecting gets a little tiring, if you know what I mean.
> ...



Hi, Cousin Wolf. Resurrecting builds character, I'm told, but the key to beating the killer note crunch is to purchase Life Bonds, available through Yahoo, Google or E-Bay. You'll need a Paypal account for this. It's the only way.

Otherwise, PC users can disable the killer note feature by clicking on "Enemies", then "Preferences", "Communications", then "Notes", "Killer" (each time you click a menu will scroll down) then "Disable." It will ask, "Are you sure you want to disable Killer Notes?" Click "Yes", it will ask if you want to keep changes. Click "Yes" once more and you're done.


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## Timberwolf (Apr 5, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, Cousin Wolf. Resurrecting builds character, I'm told, but the key to beating the killer note crunch is to purchase Life Bonds, available through Yahoo, Google or E-Bay. You'll need a Paypal account for this. It's the only way.
> 
> Otherwise, PC users can disable the killer note feature by clicking on "Enemies", then "Preferences", "Communications", then "Notes", "Killer" (each time you click a menu will scroll down) then "Disable." It will ask, "Are you sure you want to disable Killer Notes?" Click "Yes", it will ask if you want to keep changes. Click "Yes" once more and you're done.


Wow. Seems like I should buy me a lottery ticket...
I've beaten all the odds...
The "Enemies" menu is completely grey, which means that I can't change these settings - and they are set on "enabled - instant execution"! 

Dear Santa,

do you know a way to get the "Enemies" menu enabled? I can't afford Life Bonds...

Resurrectedly yours,

TW


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## Santaclear (Apr 6, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dearest Santa,
> Should we be worried that if you rearrange the letters in your name, they spell Satan? :huh:



Well, yes. :blush: But only the good kind of worry. :wubu:


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## Santaclear (Apr 8, 2007)

Risible said:


> Finally someone's worked up the courage to ask... I'm on pins and needles... breathless...



Pins and needles not good...I fear this suspense is not good for you, Risible. I confess I'm not a Satanist. The Satan/Santa connection has indeed been a longtime inspiration for me, however. My name does come from Satan and Santa and chanticleer and Santo Gold (the name and star of some hideously bizarre infomercial that ran constantly in Western NY during the late '80s.)


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## Santaclear (Apr 8, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Well, consider this. If you take all the letters in Anta's names -- in real life, on the boards, his drag show stage name and his CIA identity -- and rearrange them, you get "despite what your coworkers say, that's not a bloodstain".



Then THAT message has to be further decoded, and you get a word which in Latin means "cute li'l pussycat laying in the sun." You pet the pussycat and he makes a sound (record it.) Present the recording to your supervisor at work and you get a raise (and transfer to someplace exotic and wonderful if you like.)


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## Santaclear (Apr 8, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Santa can't be Satan... Elseways I'd had met him while signing my contract...
> Satan isn't allowed to stay away and send his lawyers to such a ceremony, for the contract would be void.



Thanks for defending me, Timberwolf. I suspect this will soon blow over anyway since it's already Easter.


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## Santaclear (Apr 8, 2007)

jamie said:


> Dear Anta...my house is torn apart by a disagreement on what color to paint the office. It must be done this weekend so that we can get the bookshelves up, and therefore getting the 12 boxes/crates of books unpacked and off of my living room carpet.
> I want to paint three of the walls a nice maize color with one of the walls a kind of darkish ocean blue.
> My sig.other. wants to put up samples everywhere and draw it out so he can see it first and then decide...and delaying getting the books out of the living room floor.
> The cats have asked that we just fill the room in with litter and mice and leave well enough alone.
> ...



Hi Jamie,

First, my curiosity was piqued by the way you signed this note, "a heartbreakingly hued heart hobbling hence." I cried and my heart went out to you when I read it, just like everyone else who read it, probably. But after the tears dried I wondered what a "hence" was. So I found this on the web:

_Definitions of hence:
* therefore: (used to introduce a logical conclusion) from that fact or reason or as a result; "therefore X must be true"; "the eggs were fresh and hence satisfactory"; "we were young and thence optimistic"; "it is late and thus we must go"; "the witness is biased and so cannot be trusted"
* from this place; "get thee hence!"
* from this time; "a year hence it will be forgotten"_ :huh: 

Ah well. I think I can speak for all of Dimensions including lurkers, when I say that we're ALL behind you in convincing your pets and your sig.other that they're all just there for your entertainment. Jamie comes first, her desires and whims above all else. Beyond that I must add that the three walls maize, one wall dark ocean blue sounds like a WONDERFUL decoration idea. Those cats are insane if they don't go for it. Let them know what we think - I think our opinion carries a lot of weight since there are a lot of cat owners here. Good luck, Jamie!


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## Santaclear (Apr 11, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Wow. Seems like I should buy me a lottery ticket...
> I've beaten all the odds...
> The "Enemies" menu is completely grey, which means that I can't change these settings - and they are set on "enabled - instant execution"!
> 
> ...



This is amazing, TW. It must be a miracle or something. With settings like that we'd expect you to be dead a million times over. Instead you're alive and posting away all nonchalant-like, like the cat who swallowed the canary. I say this continuous resurrection thing seems to be working for you and maybe you shouldn't mess with it.

But anyway, to enable the Enemies menu (and maybe you shouldn't do it, as I said above) go into Control Panel and click on "Power," then "Preferences." Click on "Give" (that's the only choice, really, it doesn't let you take power from anyone) and a bunch of choices will scroll down. Click on "Enemies," and it will ask, "Are you sure you want to give power to your enemies?" Click "Yes," then "Save Changes" and you're done but you might have to reboot. The Enemies menu will be enabled. :bow:


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## Timberwolf (Apr 11, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> This is amazing, TW. It must be a miracle or something. With settings like that we'd expect you to be dead a million times over. Instead you're alive and posting away all nonchalant-like, like the cat who swallowed the canary. I say this continuous resurrection thing seems to be working for you and maybe you shouldn't mess with it.
> 
> But anyway, to enable the Enemies menu (and maybe you shouldn't do it, as I said above) go into Control Panel and click on "Power," then "Preferences." Click on "Give" (that's the only choice, really, it doesn't let you take power from anyone) and a bunch of choices will scroll down. Click on "Enemies," and it will ask, "Are you sure you want to give power to your enemies?" Click "Yes," then "Save Changes" and you're done but you might have to reboot. The Enemies menu will be enabled. :bow:


Dear Santa,

thanx for your quick reply. Now there is still something strange here. Though I found the "Power" menu, I'm not able to select the "Enemies" option in the "Give" menu. Instead, I found a menu called "Take" right beside the "Give" menu. There I could chose "Enemies", but I didn't, for I don't know what would happen, then. I looked up the F1 (help) for further information, but there is just a blank space as an answer...

Do you know what this means?

Yours confusedly,

Timberwolf


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## Esme (Apr 11, 2007)

Thank you for your thoughtful response to my dog question Santa. I feel better just knowing you're on the job!

I have another animal question if I may.... How do squirrels know where all the nuts they buried are located? If I was a squirrel, I'm pretty sure I'd starve to death because I wouldn't remember where I stashed my snacks!:doh:


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## Frankie (Apr 12, 2007)

Originally Posted by Michelle 
Well, consider this. If you take all the letters in Anta's names -- in real life, on the boards, his drag show stage name and his CIA identity -- and rearrange them, you get "despite what your coworkers say, that's not a bloodstain". 
__________________




Santaclear said:


> Then THAT message has to be further decoded, and you get a word which in Latin means "cute li'l pussycat laying in the sun." You pet the pussycat and he makes a sound (record it.) Present the recording to your supervisor at work and you get a raise (and transfer to someplace exotic and wonderful if you like.)



When you rearrange the letter's in Michelle's name, you get "Mice Hell." But at first glance I latched on to the "chel" and "lecherous" came to mind, probably because it's also very accurate.  

I shouldn't post when I'm this tired. Besides, Michelle knows I love her. 

Now show yourself and say something lecherous, woman!


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## Frankie (Apr 12, 2007)

Michelle, if I plug my lovely nickname of Choo Choo Chilleski into the anagram thingy, one of the first ones that comes up is "Chocoholic Likes Ho." Come on, now doesn't that sum up our relationship rather nicely? 

I'll say anything to elicit a post from you!


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## Santaclear (Apr 13, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Dear Santa,
> thanx for your quick reply. Now there is still something strange here. Though I found the "Power" menu, I'm not able to select the "Enemies" option in the "Give" menu. Instead, I found a menu called "Take" right beside the "Give" menu. There I could chose "Enemies", but I didn't, for I don't know what would happen, then. I looked up the F1 (help) for further information, but there is just a blank space as an answer...
> Do you know what this means?
> Yours confusedly,
> Timberwolf



Wow, Timber, sounds like a real hum dinger you've got yourself into now. You must have burrowed into some sub-sub-sub-sub-level of reality while asleep for this to be happening with the machine. 

To get out, click "Escape," then "Escape," then "Escape," then "Yes." "Do you really want to escape?," it will ask. Click "Yes." "Are you sure?," it will ask. Click "Yes" again, then quickly "Escape" once more, then "Save changes." Reboot the computer quickly, using Ctrl-Alt-Delete. While it's booting up try to look away, bored and nonchalant, like you don't really care about the "Enemies" menu or whether the machine boots up correctly. If Windows senses any weakness on your part or that you care, for some reason that empowers it and disables any control you might have over your "Enemies" menu. Let me know if you make it this far and then we'll go over the "Enemies" settings.


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## Santaclear (Apr 13, 2007)

Esme said:


> I have another animal question if I may.... How do squirrels know where all the nuts they buried are located? If I was a squirrel, I'm pretty sure I'd starve to death because I wouldn't remember where I stashed my snacks!:doh:



Squirrels have a pretty good memory (well, considering that they're squirrels) but the real secret is all the memory tricks and exercises they do, like what U.S. Postal Service mail sorters and delivery people learn while training. I don't really understand it, but each location has a number. That way when a squirrel thinks, say, "acorn" s/he immediately remembers "362 - under the shrub!,"  and runs over there. Or walnuts (do squirrels even like walnuts?), the squrrel will think "walnut....14! Next to the driveway under the tree!," :doh: and run over there to dig it up. Hope this helps, Esme. I'd like to learn more about it too.


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## Timberwolf (Apr 13, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Wow, Timber, sounds like a real hum dinger you've got yourself into now. You must have burrowed into some sub-sub-sub-sub-level of reality while asleep for this to be happening with the machine.
> 
> To get out, click "Escape," then "Escape," then "Escape," then "Yes." "Do you really want to escape?," it will ask. Click "Yes." "Are you sure?," it will ask. Click "Yes" again, then quickly "Escape" once more, then "Save changes." Reboot the computer quickly, using Ctrl-Alt-Delete. While it's booting up try to look away, bored and nonchalant, like you don't really care about the "Enemies" menu or whether the machine boots up correctly. If Windows senses any weakness on your part or that you care, for some reason that empowers it and disables any control you might have over your "Enemies" menu. Let me know if you make it this far and then we'll go over the "Enemies" settings.


Gosh, what a mess...

I did like you told me and ended up in a loop between "Do you really want to escape?" and "Are you sure?". After ten repetitions, I clicked on "No" - and all the sudden the machine rebooted instantly. 
I went to toilet while it booted and as I came back, I found the question "Whose powers do you want today?" on my screen. I chose the "My Own" option, as I wasn't sure if the powers of the devil or his counterpart would suit me. 
I could also have chosen your powers, but who will answer our questions if you'd lose your powers?

Now I'm sitting here and wondering what _my_ powers are...


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## Santaclear (Apr 18, 2007)

Frankie said:


> When you rearrange the letter's in Michelle's name, you get "Mice Hell." But at first glance I latched on to the "chel" and "lecherous" came to mind, probably because it's also very accurate.
> I shouldn't post when I'm this tired. Besides, Michelle knows I love her.
> Now show yourself and say something lecherous, woman!





Frankie said:


> Michelle, if I plug my lovely nickname of Choo Choo Chilleski into the anagram thingy, one of the first ones that comes up is "Chocoholic Likes Ho." Come on, now doesn't that sum up our relationship rather nicely?
> I'll say anything to elicit a post from you!



The "Mice in Hell" thing is interesting, Frankie. I've never been a believer but they say that mice actually do quite well in hell, for them it's hardly different from their earthly existence. Mice in heaven, I'm told, are very clean and sanitary, their coats are fluffy and they smell good.

As to Michelle's whereabouts, like many of us she moves in mysterious ways. One rumor has it that she's working on a top secret ice cream project, researching a new product that will put Dibs (Chocolate/Chocolate) off the map once and for all.


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## Santaclear (Apr 18, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Gosh, what a mess...
> I did like you told me and ended up in a loop between "Do you really want to escape?" and "Are you sure?". After ten repetitions, I clicked on "No" - and all the sudden the machine rebooted instantly.
> I went to toilet while it booted and as I came back, I found the question "Whose powers do you want today?" on my screen. I chose the "My Own" option, as I wasn't sure if the powers of the devil or his counterpart would suit me.
> I could also have chosen your powers, but who will answer our questions if you'd lose your powers?
> Now I'm sitting here and wondering what _my_ powers are...



I don't know if this is worth it, TW, you might have a virus or something.

Click on "My Body" and "Enter". Close your eyes and brace yourself, 'cos if it works you're gonna feel a drop like you're falling for ten miles or something. Once you're in your body click on "Door" and then "Close" and "Yes". Now you're ready to begin setup of your powers and such.

"Whose powers do you want?" "My Own," and then "Yes." After you save changes you can go into "My Computer" and look for "My Powers" in "Self". In Windows you can go to "Add/Delete Powers." This will show all the powers you currently have and you can shut off any you don't want. You can even click and drag some pretty weird powers from other places or download 'em from other sites using the "Save to." Good luck, Cousin Wolf, I really hope this works for you!


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## Punkin1024 (Apr 22, 2007)

Dear Santa,
Lots of people in my area have been suffering with upper respiratory woes (bronchitis, sinus infections, coughing, sneezing, runny nose, hay fever) and these problems seem to be taking an unusually long time to clear up. I have also been afflicted with congestion, stopped-up ears, and coughing. My hubby believes it is some kind of government experiment. Have you heard anything to support his theory?

Thanks for any information you can provide.

Sincerely,
Punkin


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## Frankie (Apr 23, 2007)

Anta, I once heard that you discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. Is this true?

Also, can you come up with any uses for the various half-eaten jars of pickles I've amassed in my refridgerator that don't actually require eating them?


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## Timberwolf (Apr 23, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> I don't know if this is worth it, TW, you might have a virus or something.
> 
> Click on "My Body" and "Enter". Close your eyes and brace yourself, 'cos if it works you're gonna feel a drop like you're falling for ten miles or something. Once you're in your body click on "Door" and then "Close" and "Yes". Now you're ready to begin setup of your powers and such.
> 
> "Whose powers do you want?" "My Own," and then "Yes." After you save changes you can go into "My Computer" and look for "My Powers" in "Self". In Windows you can go to "Add/Delete Powers." This will show all the powers you currently have and you can shut off any you don't want. You can even click and drag some pretty weird powers from other places or download 'em from other sites using the "Save to." Good luck, Cousin Wolf, I really hope this works for you!


Thanx for the virus hint, cousin Santa.
Right after I read yout reply, I went to do a virus scan. Actually, my entire operating system was a virus. :huh: After restoring it, I checked all the settings we talked about lately... it all looked the same as before! I ran another virus scan with a different program and it told me: "You are using an unknown operating sytem." :blink: This made me check my operating system version. It is "DungeonsXP (SP 6.6.6)" Do you know this operating system? It looks a lot like WinXP, are they related to each other?


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## Timberwolf (Apr 29, 2007)

Dear Santa,

excuse my causing a dilemma for you. I found an answer to my latest question that makes me believe you couldn't just answer it without getting into serious trouble... So, unless you might have found a less dangerous answer to my question, you are free to leave it unanswered and go on to the next question...

Thanx for your help,

Timberwolf


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## bbwsweetheart (May 3, 2007)

Dearest Santa,

Is it true that among all of your extraordinary talents, you have the gift of foreseeing? If so, would you please let me know if dire consequences will follow if I wear a bikini this summer? 

Thank you kindly.


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## Santaclear (May 4, 2007)

Punkin1024 said:


> Lots of people in my area have been suffering with upper respiratory woes (bronchitis, sinus infections, coughing, sneezing, runny nose, hay fever) and these problems seem to be taking an unusually long time to clear up. I have also been afflicted with congestion, stopped-up ears, and coughing. My hubby believes it is some kind of government experiment. Have you heard anything to support his theory?
> Thanks for any information you can provide.



Hi, Punkin. You and your friends can turn your upper respiratory woes into upper respiratory WHOA!!!!'s :smitten: :smitten: thanks to the exploding sinus and respiratory congestion fetish paysite scene. I'm not sure if you're motivated in that direction but it's a great way to make some extra pocket money while you're waiting for things to clear up.

I think your hubby's right about the government experiment. They're trying to weaken us so we vote for their guys again and continue to buy the corporate stuff and keep the money flowing in the right driection. I can't say more at this time.

Hope you're feeling better!


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## Santaclear (May 4, 2007)

Frankie said:


> Anta, I once heard that you discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. Is this true?



Well, I THOUGHT I had, but I was young. Maybe I was wrong. I don't remember, anyway.



Frankie said:


> Also, can you come up with any uses for the various half-eaten jars of pickles I've amassed in my refrigerator that don't actually require eating them?



Depending on how old they are they can make great doorstops, sex-toy gifts for people you don't like, or can be used to point at people and frighten them when you want to emphasize a point. They can be hollowed out and made into a pipe or you can build a giant sculpture with them and repeatedly spraypaint it while it decomposes. They're very versatile.


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## Punkin1024 (May 5, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, Punkin. You and your friends can turn your upper respiratory woes into upper respiratory WHOA!!!!'s :smitten: :smitten: thanks to the exploding sinus and respiratory congestion fetish paysite scene. I'm not sure if you're motivated in that direction but it's a great way to make some extra pocket money while you're waiting for things to clear up.
> 
> I think your hubby's right about the government experiment. They're trying to weaken us so we vote for their guys again and continue to buy the corporate stuff and keep the money flowing in the right driection. I can't say more at this time.
> 
> Hope you're feeling better!



HI Santa!
Glad you could answer my questions. And, no, I won't be visiting the sinus and respiratory congestion fetish paysite scene  , but thanks for the info.
I am better, but still cough a bit at night and I can't sing as well either. I thought hubby might be on to something about the government exeriment thingy - I mean, how else can all this stuff be explained!? You are wise about not expounding on your findings at this time.  

Hugs,
Punkin


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## Santaclear (May 9, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Thanx for the virus hint, cousin Santa.
> Right after I read your reply, I went to do a virus scan. Actually, my entire operating system was a virus. :huh: After restoring it, I checked all the settings we talked about lately... it all looked the same as before! I ran another virus scan with a different program and it told me: "You are using an unknown operating sytem." :blink: This made me check my operating system version. It is "DungeonsXP (SP 6.6.6)" Do you know this operating system? It looks a lot like WinXP, are they related to each other?



The great author and conceptualist William S. Burroughs had a theory that all human life (Or was it all animate life? Or the whole universe? Not sure.) might be a virus. Perhaps your operating system is mirroring the behavior and glitches of a greater operating system currently going on above our heads and out of earshot. 

I never played "Dungeons" but 6.6.6. is standard - it refers to Microsoft's standard operating code that was set in motion in Dallas with the JFK assassination of 1963. It is basically the same as WinXP so you needn't worry.


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## Santaclear (May 9, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dearest Santa,
> Is it true that among all of your extraordinary talents, you have the gift of foreseeing?



Well, not really, no.



bbwsweetheart said:


> If so, would you please let me know if dire consequences will follow if I wear a bikini this summer?
> Thank you kindly.



I'll let you know anyway, bbwsweetheart. I can't imagine any dire consequences. It sounds like something you should do if you're wondering about it.


----------



## Timberwolf (May 9, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> The great author and conceptualist William S. Burroughs had a theory that all human life (Or was it all animate life? Or the whole universe? Not sure.) might be a virus. Perhaps your operating system is mirroring the behavior and glitches of a greater operating system currently going on above our heads and out of earshot.
> 
> I never played "Dungeons" but 6.6.6. is standard - it refers to Microsoft's standard operating code that was set in motion in Dallas with the JFK assassination of 1963. It is basically the same as WinXP so you needn't worry.


I see. Thanx for your advice. :bow:


----------



## Michelle (May 10, 2007)

Frankie said:


> Originally Posted by Michelle
> Well, consider this. If you take all the letters in Anta's names -- in real life, on the boards, his drag show stage name and his CIA identity -- and rearrange them, you get "despite what your coworkers say, that's not a bloodstain".
> __________________
> When you rearrange the letter's in Michelle's name, you get "Mice Hell." But at first glance I latched on to the "chel" and "lecherous" came to mind, probably because it's also very accurate.  I shouldn't post when I'm this tired. Besides, Michelle knows I love her. Now show yourself and say something lecherous, woman!


 
Gosh, I can't believe I missed this invitation. You want lecherous? 'cmere little girl and I'll give you a piece of this bird poop I'm cleaning off my windshield. How's that!?!



Frankie said:


> Michelle, if I plug my lovely nickname of Choo Choo Chilleski into the anagram thingy, one of the first ones that comes up is "Chocoholic Likes Ho." Come on, now doesn't that sum up our relationship rather nicely?  I'll say anything to elicit a post from you!


 
Well, Miss Frankie, I don't think I told you the history of the name Choo Choo Chilleski, did I? It's "choo choo" cuz she could be ridden like a train.  (compliments of Ray Romano)



Santaclear said:


> The "Mice in Hell" thing is interesting, Frankie. I've never been a believer but they say that mice actually do quite well in hell, for them it's hardly different from their earthly existence. Mice in heaven, I'm told, are very clean and sanitary, their coats are fluffy and they smell good. As to Michelle's whereabouts, like many of us she moves in mysterious ways. One rumor has it that she's working on a top secret ice cream project, researching a new product that will put Dibs (Chocolate/Chocolate) off the map once and for all.


 
Thank you, Anta, for the lovely Mice in Hell compliment. I can always count on the father of my child to come to my defense. As for the dibs, SHUDDUP~!

By the way, Anta, congratulations on finding a new love. It's great to see you smiling so much. Which begs the question ....

Dear Anta:

Are there crossword puzzles in Candyland?

Thanks!


----------



## Santaclear (May 16, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Are there crossword puzzles in Candyland?
> Thanks!



Thanks for the congrats on the new love, Michelle. We're both pretty excited about it, and now the long distance is a pain, but hopefully that can become a shorter distance. :wubu: 

About the puzzles, I googled "Candyland" and found these guys. That was as far as I got. It seems pretty messed up to me, I dunno. I would be leery of playing any crossword puzzle games with them. 

View attachment char_GingerbreadBoy.png


View attachment char_Jolly.png


View attachment Rasptutinclear.jpg


View attachment char_MamaGingertree.png


----------



## chocolate desire (May 16, 2007)

Dear Santa how does it feel to have the sexiest woman in the world in love with you? Congrats to both of you my friends!!!


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (May 16, 2007)

chocolate desire said:


> Dear Santa how does it feel to have the sexiest woman in the world in love with you? Congrats to both of you my friends!!!



I second this! It's exciting, happy news indeed


----------



## chocolate desire (May 16, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I second this! It's exciting, happy news indeed


 Your next My Dear Fairy friend!!! I feel it in my bones:bow:


----------



## liz (di-va) (May 16, 2007)

Dear Santa,

When?

Thanks - 

Yours sincerely,
Elizabeth


----------



## Santaclear (May 18, 2007)

chocolate desire said:


> Dear Santa how does it feel to have the sexiest woman in the world in love with you? Congrats to both of you my friends!!!





Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I second this! It's exciting, happy news indeed



Thanks Chocolate and GreenEyed!  Feels pretty darn good, lucky too. Now we really miss each other but the connection is very good. :wubu: (Man, these smileys are quaint.)


----------



## bbwsweetheart (May 18, 2007)

Dearest Santa!

Congratulations on finding a special someone!! I'm very happy for you!! :bounce: Ain't love grand?


----------



## Santaclear (May 25, 2007)

bbwsweetheart said:


> Dearest Santa!
> Congratulations on finding a special someone!! I'm very happy for you!! :bounce: Ain't love grand?



Thanks, BBWSweetheart, yeah it's great! She's incredibly special. :wubu:


----------



## Santaclear (May 25, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> When?
> 
> ...



You mean the unveiling of the lifesize acrylic statue I'd commisioned for my ex-gf's front lawn of the horse being lowered onto Queen Elizabeth with the words "Great Sex" on the front of it? (It was to be a surprise for the ex's birthday, folks.)

Well, since then I spoke with her neighbors and family and we decided the statue needs rethinking. Not that it's a bad idea entirely, but maybe the quote needs to be changed, to something like "Live fast, party hard!" or something. The artist has also been hard to get ahold of. I'll post more about this when an agreement has been reached.


----------



## Michelle (Jun 5, 2007)

Dear Anta:

I am shocked and flabberghasted and amazed and chagrined and dismayed and disturbed and astonished and frightened and appalled and stunned and a little bit warm and fuzzy. I just found the picture our Ms. Friday posted on that Foodee board place. It's copied below just to remind you (as if I needed to). 







Boy, Mr. Clear, I have some things to say to you about this. YOU chose the restaraunt so I'm assuming you KNEW those gooeys were there. They're our son's gooeys, aren't they, Anta? You knew about them, didn't you? You're nourishing them and feeding them and keeping them in good shape so they can go forth and populate the world with little Anta's grandchildren, aren't you? You want your get's get to propogate your genes!

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? DOES JOY KNOW ABOUT THIS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS WILL BE? ARE YOU FLOSSING EVERY DAY?

Sincerely and fondly,

Michelle


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jun 5, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> You mean the unveiling of the lifesize acrylic statue I'd commisioned for my ex-gf's front lawn of the horse being lowered onto Queen Elizabeth with the words "Great Sex" on the front of it? (It was to be a surprise for the ex's birthday, folks.)
> 
> Well, since then I spoke with her neighbors and family and we decided the statue needs rethinking. Not that it's a bad idea entirely, but maybe the quote needs to be changed, to something like "Live fast, party hard!" or something. The artist has also been hard to get ahold of. I'll post more about this when an agreement has been reached.



Hehe...no, really. 

Yer naughty!

Sincerely,
Liz


----------



## Timberwolf (Jun 5, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> 
> I am shocked and flabberghasted and amazed and chagrined and dismayed and disturbed and astonished and frightened and appalled and stunned and a little bit warm and fuzzy. I just found the picture our Ms. Friday posted on that Foodee board place. It's copied below just to remind you (as if I needed to).
> *pic*
> ...


WOW...

If your son would know about this, he would be quite confused...
He's on a college on Uranus, learning his ass off, so to speak...


----------



## Michelle (Jun 5, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> WOW...
> 
> If your son would know about this, he would be quite confused...
> He's on a college on Uranus, learning his ass off, so to speak...


 
No, no, Timbey. I killed him. Remember?


----------



## Timberwolf (Jun 5, 2007)

You think you did...


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 6, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> I am shocked and flabberghasted and amazed and chagrined and dismayed and disturbed and astonished and frightened and appalled and stunned and a little bit warm and fuzzy. I just found the picture our Ms. Friday posted on that Foodee board place. It's copied below just to remind you (as if I needed to).
> 
> 
> ...



Hi Michelle,

I guess I should have told you about this earlier. Yes, those are our grandkids.  Our boy really got around! Spreading his seed far and wide, he was a "rolling stone" and wherever he laid his hat was his home, making quite a hit with the lady geoducks. 

I'm very proud and you should be too. They're a fine looking group, don't you think?  :bow: 

(Yes, Joy knows.)


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 13, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> WOW...
> 
> If your son would know about this, he would be quite confused...
> He's on a college on Uranus, learning his ass off, so to speak...



I don't know where you're getting this information, Brother Wolf. Have you been reading a rival board? 

After determining he was a danger to himself and everyone else Michelle murdered the boy and his death throes were quite grisly. I saw it all. (But he had already sown his wild oats far and wide with many fine lady geoducks - he was a sort of "Jesse James" figure to them.) The carcass was later cremated.


----------



## ripley (Jun 13, 2007)

Dear Anta,

Congrats on making the 1,000th post to your thread! You will go down in the annals of....something! 

Sincelery,

rip


yes i misspelled it on purpose


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 14, 2007)

ripley said:


> Dear Anta,
> Congrats on making the 1,000th post to your thread! You will go down in the annals of....something!
> Sincelery,
> rip
> yes i misspelled it on purpose



I know! I just saw that when I went to see your post - it was 1,001!  

This is a real millstone for me to wear, Rip, certainly have a lot of gall. Yes, I saw that too about the spelling and I like making puns about stones.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jun 14, 2007)

Dear Anta,

I have a question about dogs. Perhaps you can illuminate me about my canine companions.

Do dogs eat grass to induce vomiting on purpose? Or rather do they eat it because it tastes good and then they vomit as a side effect? I always figured it was the latter except that yesterday my dog vomited up a small piece of bone along with the grass -- usually it's just grass, which I must admit colors my carpet nicely.

Any insight you could offer would be most appreciated.

Oh, and are bile-green carpets out of style?


----------



## Timberwolf (Jun 14, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> I don't know where you're getting this information, Brother Wolf. Have you been reading a rival board?
> 
> After determining he was a danger to himself and everyone else Michelle murdered the boy and his death throes were quite grisly. I saw it all. (But he had already sown his wild oats far and wide with many fine lady geoducks - he was a sort of "Jesse James" figure to them.) The carcass was later cremated.


Well, if you don't mind, I'll keep that information for myself...

I think it would be batter like this...


----------



## ripley (Jun 14, 2007)

Miss Vickie said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> I have a question about dogs. Perhaps you can illuminate me about my canine companions.
> 
> ...



I'm not Anta but I'm gonna be serious for a sec and answer you...it's not a good idea to give dogs any kind of bone. Chicken or other bird bones when chewed get sharp and can perforate their stomach or bowels, and pork or beef bones are a choking hazard and can cause bowel obstruction. 

Don't make me have to come up there and spank you. I'll do it. I will.


----------



## Michelle (Jun 14, 2007)

Anta, your memory is getting bad in your old age. We ATE him, remember? We made geoduck stew (Esme provided the recipe, I think) and we froze it up and mailed it to all of our friends. You ate some. Oh wait - maybe that explains things.


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## Miss Vickie (Jun 14, 2007)

ripley said:


> I'm not Anta but I'm gonna be serious for a sec and answer you...it's not a good idea to give dogs any kind of bone. Chicken or other bird bones when chewed get sharp and can perforate their stomach or bowels, and pork or beef bones are a choking hazard and can cause bowel obstruction.
> 
> Don't make me have to come up there and spank you. I'll do it. I will.



Really? Even the bones that are cooked, smoked and processed and sold at the pet store specifically for dogs to chew? The giNORmous, six inch across, knuckle bones? I don't feed the dogs bones from our table but I thought those were safe. Have I been misinformed?

Yipes!

But you can come here and spank me. I need one.


----------



## ripley (Jun 14, 2007)

Well, she obviously got a piece off, so there is your answer. 


Now, wear your frilly panties while I spank you, k?


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## Miss Vickie (Jun 14, 2007)

Dear Ripley,

Thx 4 RUning R fun. U suck. Now da big bitch wont giv us bons 'n she looks bad in dose underware tings.

Respectfully,

Chloe and Lucie


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 14, 2007)

ripley said:


> Well, she obviously got a piece off, so there is your answer.
> 
> 
> *Now, wear your frilly panties while I spank you*, k?




Post pix plz, kthx


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 14, 2007)

Vickie and Ripley, 

In response to your discussion of bones, I was looking for a picture of the bones that my dog is very fond of....and came across this, which isn't exactly what I had in mind, but I had a nice long laugh when I saw it. I'm guessing that the designer of that particular bone has some issues with men. (assuming you all see what I see...and if you don't, then I'm guessing you can figure out what's been on my mind lately. I swear I'm not obsessed...just having LDR symptoms. 

Which leads me to my question for dear Santa:

Do you have any cures for my LDR symptoms? Something to soothe the ache of missing my Honey? I need some comfort post-haste.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jun 14, 2007)

Joy, we have one of those. I swear it does look like a "marital aid" doesn't it? It just looks weird laying around, like somebody forgot to put her toys away...

Chloe can chew through just about anything. She's gone through a couple of Kong's which she's chewed through. Remarkable for a Lab mix, since labs are supposed to have "soft mouths". And she does in every other way -- except bones. And luckily she doesn't chew on "stuff" other than her bones, but what she does do when she's bored is lick her feet. Endlessly. Poor thing, she gets bored easily, which is why we go for walks, why we have a big yard, and why I've gotten them bones (in the past).

I'm just amazed that dog survived as a species if bones can lay them out so easily.


----------



## ripley (Jun 14, 2007)

Wild canids have quite short life spans...I for one want my dog to live a long time! And without having to make her go through a surgery for something I could very well avoid (giving her bones). I know I rain on everyone's parade and I do suck and now I'm crying are you happy yet??




P.S. Joy said bone.


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## Timberwolf (Jun 15, 2007)

ripley said:


> Wild canids have quite short life spans...I for one want my dog to live a long time! And without having to make her go through a surgery for something I could very well avoid (giving her *Bones*). I know I rain on everyone's parade and I do suck and now I'm crying are you happy yet??
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, Bones could be a little difficult to get, don't you think?  And, in my opinion, you are right, this wouldn't be good for the dog's life span, living like a wild one, hunting it's food...


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## Risible (Jun 15, 2007)

Miss Vickie said:


> Joy, we have one of those. I swear it does look like a "marital aid" doesn't it? It just looks weird laying around, like somebody forgot to put her toys away...
> 
> Chloe can chew through just about anything. She's gone through a couple of Kong's which she's chewed through. Remarkable for a Lab mix, since labs are supposed to have "soft mouths". And she does in every other way -- except bones. And luckily she doesn't chew on "stuff" other than her bones, but what she does do when she's bored is lick her feet. Endlessly. Poor thing, she gets bored easily, which is why we go for walks, why we have a big yard, and why I've gotten them bones (in the past).
> 
> I'm just amazed that dog survived as a species if bones can lay them out so easily.



Did someone say dogs? I love talking about dogs... My dogs, both of them, lick endlessly. I have a command just for them, "No lickee," else they'd be forever licking...Which begs the question,

Dear Santa,

Why do dogs lick so much? Themselves, any exposed part of my body, the cat, the walls... How can this be?

Ris


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jun 15, 2007)

ripley said:


> Wild canids have quite short life spans...I for one want my dog to live a long time! And without having to make her go through a surgery for something I could very well avoid (giving her bones). I know I rain on everyone's parade and I do suck and now I'm crying are you happy yet??
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Chloe says to tell you you're very purdy and she forgives you for ruining her life. 

Feel bettah now?


----------



## ripley (Jun 15, 2007)

No.


Post pix of her in the frilly panties and I might forgive you both. _Might._


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 16, 2007)

Miss Vickie said:


> Do dogs eat grass to induce vomiting on purpose? Or rather do they eat it because it tastes good and then they vomit as a side effect? I always figured it was the latter except that yesterday my dog vomited up a small piece of bone along with the grass -- usually it's just grass, which I must admit colors my carpet nicely.
> Any insight you could offer would be most appreciated.
> Oh, and are bile-green carpets out of style?



Hi Vickie,

All this talk of frilly panties and spankings has obscured the real burning, itching question - that of the vomiting dogs and why. 
Why? Why do dogs eat grass to induce vomiting on purpose?  

I'll tell you. It's a fetish! Some o' these dogs is FREAKY. Kinky and winky-winky, let me tell you! :batting: 

It's really nothing to be ashamed of (and their affairs are none of our business, anyway.) Nothing's getting hurt except the carpets. (Yes, bile-green is still in.) Suffice to say that the dogs have a rich fantasy life brimming, of course, with Deep Passions. The bone thing is another piece of a puzzle best left unsolved.


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 16, 2007)

ripley said:


> Don't make me have to come up there and spank you. I'll do it. I will.





Miss Vickie said:


> Really?
> Yipes!
> But you can come here and spank me. I need one.





ripley said:


> Well, she obviously got a piece off.
> Now, wear your frilly panties while I spank you, k?





Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Post pix plz, kthx





Miss Vickie said:


> Dear Ripley,
> Thx 4 RUning R fun. U suck. Now da big bitch wont giv us bons 'n she looks bad in dose underware tings.
> Respectfully,
> Chloe and Lucie





ripley said:


> I know I rain on everyone's parade and I do suck and now I'm crying are you happy yet??





Miss Vickie said:


> Chloe says to tell you you're very purdy and she forgives you for ruining her life.
> Feel bettah now?





ripley said:


> No.
> Post pix of her in the frilly panties and I might forgive you both. _Might._



Rip, you gave good advice but it's apparent your "concern" for the dogs is incidental and that spanking is clearly your first love. You have GreenEyedFairy all stirred up too. :blush: 

Great post, Chloe and Lucie! You're very good dogs (except the part when you dissed your mom about her "underware.") I hope this bone thing can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction.


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 27, 2007)

Michelle said:


> No, no, Timbey. I killed him. Remember?





Timberwolf said:


> You think you did...





Timberwolf said:


> Well, if you don't mind, I'll keep that information for myself...
> I think it would be batter like this...



Fried in batter, geoduck might be delicious, Cousin Wolf. :eat1:


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 27, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Anta, your memory is getting bad in your old age. We ATE him, remember? We made geoduck stew (Esme provided the recipe, I think) and we froze it up and mailed it to all of our friends. You ate some. Oh wait - maybe that explains things.



Michelle, we need to put these rumors to rest and move on from this. I was there. You poured a truckload of salt on the boy. He writhed in agony. His death throes were awful. One of the last things I remember was him asking, "what about the thread?" He was so desperate he would say _anything._ 

Then he died, like a slug.  You HAD to do it because the military was too scared. I think you deserve a medal for it, personally. We couldn't eat any of it - it was too encrusted with salt, even for you.


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 27, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> WOW...
> If your son would know about this, he would be quite confused...
> He's on a college on Uranus, learning his ass off, so to speak...



Seriously, Timber, I think that geodude must be an imposter. Have you checked his er, trunk-print? The boy had very distinctive markings. 






(Again, thanks to Friday for the lovely geoduck pic and to Michelle for reposting/hosting it.)


----------



## Timberwolf (Jun 27, 2007)

As I said before, I'll keep my mouth shut upon this topic. Seems to be better.


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 6, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> Vickie and Ripley,
> In response to your discussion of bones, I was looking for a picture of the bones that my dog is very fond of....and came across this, which isn't exactly what I had in mind, but I had a nice long laugh when I saw it. I'm guessing that the designer of that particular bone has some issues with men. (assuming you all see what I see...and if you don't, then I'm guessing you can figure out what's been on my mind lately. I swear I'm not obsessed...just having LDR symptoms.



This reminds me of that pic we looking at from a paysite a few weeks back where the model's belly looked suspiciously photoshopped to look like a penis. You told me Saucywench agreed, and she's the expert on unsuspecting objects that actually resemble penises



JoyJoy said:


> Do you have any cures for my LDR symptoms? Something to soothe the ache of missing my Honey? I need some comfort post-haste.



If you have a bone to pick, may I suggest some soothing Comfort Paste? (Doesn't make any sense but it kinda rhymes with your post.)


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 6, 2007)

Risible said:


> My dogs, both of them, lick endlessly. I have a command just for them, "No lickee," else they'd be forever licking...Which begs the question,
> Why do dogs lick so much? Themselves, any exposed part of my body, the cat, the walls... How can this be?



I've been thinking about this pretty much nonstop, Ris, since you posted it (sorry, I've been working a lot!) and I know just what you mean. 

These dogs!  First licking this, then licking that. It really seems they'll lick any old thing soon as they'll lick something good, doesn't it? It's all the same to them. Ew. And then with the sad, sad eyes. Don't they have any honor?  

This reminds me of my dearly departed cat, young Ned. (He was a huge, really long orange-and-white longhair and passed over 22 years ago.) Once he was in my bed with me - I think I'd given him a bath earlier - and he started grooming himself. He groomed himself head to toe and ended on his back, his legs in the air, grooming his belly and leaning against my leg while I watched. Then he moved on to grooming my leg and I thought, "Ha! This'll stop, soon as he realizes what's up!" All the while the little sandpaper thing on my thigh. He groomed my entire thigh (well, just the side facing him) and then went to sleep.


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 6, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> As I said before, I'll keep my mouth shut upon this topic. Seems to be better.



OK, Timber.  Sometimes these forum disputes are better left unresolved. Who needs the aggravation? We have an expression here in the US, to "clam up," and it makes sense in this case.


----------



## Michelle (Jul 6, 2007)

Dear Anta:

Why is it clam "up"? That suggests to me that the clam shell is open, and if that was the case, the clam could have some great conversation or could be obnoxious or sweet or anything else.

I think it should be clam "down" because if the shell is shut, that means that nobody could hear the clam so they wouldn't be saying clam up only when they wanted the clam to lift his shell. And if they wanted you to shut up, they'd say "clam down" so you'd lower your lips together and not say anything. 

Thing is, if you "clammed down", you could still hum so if they wanted you to stop humming, what would they say? Tongue down? Voice box off? Shut the fuck up?

This is all pretty confusing and very complicated, isn't it?

Sincerely,

Michelle


----------



## Esme (Jul 7, 2007)

I, for one, am so glad we have Anta to answer these burning mysteries of life and mollusks. 

Jus' sayin.


----------



## Timberwolf (Jul 7, 2007)

Agreed. Wholeheartedly.


----------



## ripley (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Anta,

Hi! I'm out here in Portland for the summer and want to know if you can recommend any activities for me to do where I might meet some FAs? You can't tell an FA just by lookin' at them, but as you are one, I thought you might know where they congregate? Thanks!


Chomping at the bit,

ripley


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Ipley,

(I hope Anta doesn't mind but I think this is an Ipley question)

How do I get my dogs to stop sleeping on the couch? They have their own beds, and when we're around they're good about being off the couch but if we're not in the room, or when we go to bed, they climb right up on them and always act surprised in the morning when we order them off. I understand their confusion -- we used to let them up on the couch. But since there are two of them, the fur is a little crazy and so we needed to change the rules.

Hopefully humane suggestions would be most helpful. Thanks!


----------



## ripley (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Vickums, 

Hi! There are a few ways you can approach your problem. First off, you could keep old sheets to throw over the couches before you go to bed. Whip them off in the morning, and voila. Or, and this is what I'd do, you can get mouse traps, and set them all on the couch cushions, then cover them lightly with a sheet of newspaper. The newspaper stops the traps from clamping on to the dogs anywhere but the SNAP and the motion scares them off. After awhile they don't like the couch anymore and you don't have to keep putting the traps on. This is how my brother stopped his Lab from getting in the trash. Lastly, some online vet supply places sell "scat mats" which you plug in, spread over your couch and they get a little shock from them. That one makes me sad though. 

Good luck and :wubu:, 

rippy


----------



## EvilPrincess (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear V and Ipley, 

I have seen pups gingerly walk around mouse traps and snuggle down on the couch. The electric scat mats are not fun for people (no harm to the pets but if they make Ripley sad that makes it bad). 

Xmats

I have these on the no-no-doggie furniture - easy to use and much cheaper than the other. They are hard plastic and remind me of the underside of one of those chair mats that you use to protect the carpet. 

If you have counter cruisers (Bassets are known for this). Make large loops of masking tape and put them all around the edges of the counters. Nosy noses and paws do not like the sticky. Quite comical if you catch them in the act. 



Good Luck! 




Miss Vickie said:


> Dear Ipley,
> 
> (I hope Anta doesn't mind but I think this is an Ipley question)
> 
> ...


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jul 8, 2007)

ripley said:


> Dear Vickums,
> 
> Hi! There are a few ways you can approach your problem. First off, you could keep old sheets to throw over the couches before you go to bed. Whip them off in the morning, and voila. Or, and this is what I'd do, you can get mouse traps, and set them all on the couch cushions, then cover them lightly with a sheet of newspaper. The newspaper stops the traps from clamping on to the dogs anywhere but the SNAP and the motion scares them off. After awhile they don't like the couch anymore and you don't have to keep putting the traps on. This is how my brother stopped his Lab from getting in the trash. Lastly, some online vet supply places sell "scat mats" which you plug in, spread over your couch and they get a little shock from them. That one makes me sad though.
> 
> ...



Thanks, babycakes. We've tried the sheets thing and yeah, it keeps the couch nice but I kind of like looking at my couch. It's purple, after all.  I think I'll definitely try the mouse traps. Burtimus is skeptical, probably because I'm going to make him set them, but hopefully a few nights of them on the couch will break them of the habit.

And yeah, I've heard of the scat mats but they're a) expensive, and b) seem a little cruel. I tried the repellent spray which worked for about five minutes.  

I'll report back on the results of your snappy suggestion. 



EvilPrincess said:


> Dear V and Ipley,
> 
> I have seen pups gingerly walk around mouse traps and snuggle down on the couch. The electric scat mats are not fun for people (no harm to the pets but if they make Ripley sad that makes it bad).
> 
> ...



Thanks for checking in on this, too. I was hoping you would, since I know you know Bassets well. Those mats look interesting, and I'll definitely do them if the mouse traps that I got don't work. I do have an extra, slightly cracked floor mat with the nubbies so I may even take an exact o knife and make my own. Amazingly, Lucy hasn't gotten up on the counter. She has Chloe do her dirty work for her. Chloe knocks stuff onto the floor so she and Chloe get them. I'm sure Lucy's the brains behind their little kitchen raids. 

Thanks to both of you. I'm afraid if we don't get this problem licked, Burtimus will never let me get another dog.


----------



## Friday (Jul 9, 2007)

A friend of mine had a Dane big enough that he could reach anything he wanted (taller than my 5'5' when he 'stood up'). She had to mouse trap everything, literally. The first year she even decorated the traps with glitter glue and ribbons to hang on the tree. It worked quickly.


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 21, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> Why is it clam "up"? That suggests to me that the clam shell is open, and if that was the case, the clam could have some great conversation or could be obnoxious or sweet or anything else.
> I think it should be clam "down" because if the shell is shut, that means that nobody could hear the clam so they wouldn't be saying clam up only when they wanted the clam to lift his shell. And if they wanted you to shut up, they'd say "clam down" so you'd lower your lips together and not say anything.
> Thing is, if you "clammed down", you could still hum so if they wanted you to stop humming, what would they say? Tongue down? Voice box off? Shut the fuck up?
> ...



Hi Michelle. These are all good points and there's a lot of food for thought here.

It's like when someone says "shut up." Do they really think you're going up? They probably know you're not going anywhere. And the older expression "pipe down!" In this day and age one can hardly be expected to be quietly crouching or squatting down simply on another's say-so.

As for the clams, when the shell is open one would certainly hope at least for pleasant and respectful discourse. "Clamming up," in this case, might be asking the clam to speak _more_ (or louder), so that the clever and enjoyable repartee could be better heard.


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 22, 2007)

ripley said:


> Dear Anta,
> Hi! I'm out here in Portland for the summer and want to know if you can recommend any activities for me to do where I might meet some FAs? You can't tell an FA just by lookin' at them, but as you are one, I thought you might know where they congregate? Thanks!
> Chomping at the bit,
> ripley



Hi Ripley. Yeah, it's an age-old problem here around Dims. We hear it over and over. "How do I meet FAs? There aren't any in my area!" Or "There ARE no fat women/girls where I live. Where does one go to meet them?"

Where do FAs congregate? Generally, we don't (except at events like BBW dances, Bashes, maybe NAAFA conventions and the like. I've never been to one.)

You'll probably find more FAs lurking at the Paysite Board (and a couple other similar boards around the web) than anywhere else but those guys are um, preoccupied. We must try not to disturb them.

So where are the FAs? Dunno. There's probably a heck of a lot more of 'em tho in Portland than in that tiny town you normally live in. Have a great summer, Ripley! :wubu:


----------



## Michelle (Jul 22, 2007)

Dear Anta:

Geology.

Love it or leave it?

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Michelle


----------



## Risible (Jul 23, 2007)

Dear Santa:

Another dog question; they delight me, they puzzle me. Why does my dog toy with my panties? I'm sitting here before the computer, I hear the dog (Bubbles, since I knew you were gonna ask which one) behind me snorting and chewing on what I thought was one of his toys, and imagine my dismay when I swivel around to give him a scratch behind the ears, and find him tussling with a pair he had snagged from the hamper. 

What's going on here? What's he _really_ saying?

Riz


----------



## Esme (Jul 24, 2007)

Dear Anta,

Why is it that the songs that get stuck in my head are the ones I can't stand rather than the ones I like? What is the best way to get the unwanted song unstuck?

Sincerely,

Esme


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 5, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> 
> Geology.
> 
> ...



Hi Michelle,

Definitely love it! :smitten: 

If the firmament beneath our feet were to suddenly give way or for some reason not exist we would plunge, hundreds, then millions of feet and then miles, down, down, down, down, trillions of miles until finally the bungee cord of our souls would be stretched to the maximum and we would bounce back upward.  Only to repeat the process again. The rocks and Earth are our friend.

I remember too, driving with my family on vacations in upstate New York when I was a kid, on roads like the New York State Thruway and Route 17, and seeing the rock formations that they'd cut through to build the highway and noticing how remarkably similar the cut rock looked to various cuts of beef, with veins running through it and all. This is something you don't hear about much, I dunno. Maybe they try to hush it up.

Even in this picture in the Geology.com banner I borrowed below you can kinda see what I mean that the rocks sorta look like steak or London broil or roast beef or something, you know? 

View attachment ban.jpg


View attachment earth-structure.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 5, 2007)

Risible said:


> Dear Santa:
> Another dog question; they delight me, they puzzle me. Why does my dog toy with my panties? I'm sitting here before the computer, I hear the dog (Bubbles, since I knew you were gonna ask which one) behind me snorting and chewing on what I thought was one of his toys, and imagine my dismay when I swivel around to give him a scratch behind the ears, and find him tussling with a pair he had snagged from the hamper.
> What's going on here? What's he _really_ saying?
> Riz



Hi Riz,

Your dog is not alone in his preference. In fact, there are many sites devoted to this.

One thing you said concerns me. You say you heard him snorting something behind you. Is he sprinkling some substance on the panties and then snorting it up? If so, this may go some way toward explaining his obsessive behavior and you might have to stage an intervention. Dogs messing with drugs is no laughing matter.

In the meantime you might get a pair of undies monogrammed with _"Bubbles"_ :batting: and leave them for him on top of the pile in the hamper. This will make him feel important and if he IS using drugs, let's say to bolster poor self-esteem, it can only help.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 5, 2007)

Esme said:


> Dear Anta,
> Why is it that the songs that get stuck in my head are the ones I can't stand rather than the ones I like? What is the best way to get the unwanted song unstuck?
> Sincerely,
> Esme



I think I know the songs you mean, Esme. Those are the songs of Hate. They are the songs where you have to find out who wrote it, who performed it, who produced it, who allowed it to be played on the radio etc. They are the songs where you need to find each and every person involved in the creation and promotion of the song, everyone in the chain and gouge his or her eyes out with a pointy stick, but not before first making him/her know what it's like to hear a catchy but inane song playing over and over and over and over, at least in your head. Then their brains must be removed so that they will not create or enable again. Then and only then will the song go away and you be able to rest. :bow: 

If you don't want to do that I find that listening to something from a completely different genre helps.


----------



## SwedishBBW (Aug 12, 2007)

Dear Anta,

When I was working in the garden I saw
a earthworm lying in the dirt so I picked it up.
I feel so sorry for the worm being all dirty.
Should I go inside and wash the worm in the sink
or in the shower?

Thanks in advance!
Sara


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 22, 2007)

SwedishBBW said:


> Dear Anta,
> When I was working in the garden I saw
> a earthworm lying in the dirt so I picked it up.
> I feel so sorry for the worm being all dirty.
> ...



Hi Sara,

First of all, eeeewwww!  

There, we got that out of the way. 

I'm afraid there's not much you can do to help the worms clean up. I used to think they were dirty, slovenly, lazy things, just choosing to lay around in the dirt all day and occasionally wriggle. But then I learned that many worms actually work, aerating our soil (among other chores, none of which I can name.)

I was going to say that some of the females are very cute (this thought would've been somewhat comforting to me) with a little bit of makeup on their tiny faces, but the truth is all worms are hermaphrodites, possessing both male and female organs. That's why we so rarely hear about gay worms.

So I say "no" to the showering or washing of worms. Good luck, Sara! 

_The photo below shows a woman holding a mass of worms weighing "well over a pound."  The drawing comes from Worm World, a fine site for learning some basics about the fine worms. http://www.zephyrus.co.uk/wormworld.html_ 

View attachment image26.jpg


View attachment MAA-w-worms.jpg


----------



## JoyJoy (Aug 22, 2007)

Had I known, dear Santa, that you had an interest in worm research, I could have provided some useful insight as an expert in the field, as I am quite familiar with the inner workings of said earthworms, having had numerous occasions to explore their anatomy at the end of a scalpel or hook. Perhaps in the future we may collaborate on this issue.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 23, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> Had I known, dear Santa, that you had an interest in worm research, I could have provided some useful insight as an expert in the field, as I am quite familiar with the inner workings of said earthworms, having had numerous occasions to explore their anatomy at the end of a scalpel or hook. Perhaps in the future we may collaborate on this issue.



Speaking as someone who's been at both ends of the fishing rod, Joy, I can tell you that the voice of the worm needs to be heard. It's high time.


----------



## Risible (Aug 23, 2007)

You're right Santa, and it's high time for me to come out of the closet and announce - I like earthworms. I do - I *like *them! We have an abundance of them in our garden, where we do what we can to make their lives better.

Do you think that odd, dear Santa?


----------



## Michelle (Aug 23, 2007)

Dear Anta:

I can no longer have PMS (I think) but I'm feeling cranky, so I have no idea what to blame it on. Probably shouldn't post when I'm like this, but I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation (and urgency) to point some things out to the Dimensions readership.



Santaclear said:


> Speaking as someone who's been at both ends of the fishing rod, Joy, I can tell you that the voice of the worm needs to be heard. It's high time.


 
I think that perhaps because the gooey duck thing went south, you're trying to make the earthworm your new cause, since earthworms are sorta little copies of great big gooey ducks. Right? Are you? You seem to have an obsession with icky-looking, tubuler invertebrates. Are you and these creatures planning a revolution or something? Do we need to keep our eyes out for camoflauged earthworms sporting AK-47's? People, I think you need to keep this in mind next time you see a gooey duck hiding in the shadows.



Risible said:


> Do you think that odd, dear Santa?


 
I would like to rephrase this and ask another question. Do you think you're odd, dear Anta?

Yours very truly,

Michelle


----------



## Jane (Aug 23, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> Had I known, dear Santa, that you had an interest in worm research, I could have provided some useful insight as an expert in the field, as I am quite familiar with the inner workings of said earthworms, having had numerous occasions to explore their anatomy at the end of a scalpel or hook. Perhaps in the future we may collaborate on this issue.



Joy just admitted she was a Master Baiter.


----------



## Esme (Aug 23, 2007)

Dear Anta,

What are the winning Mega Millions numbers going to be this Friday? I kind of need to know soon.

Thanks,

Esme


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 29, 2007)

Risible said:


> You're right Santa, and it's high time for me to come out of the closet and announce - I like earthworms. I do - I *like *them! We have an abundance of them in our garden, where we do what we can to make their lives better.
> Do you think that odd, dear Santa?



Maybe a little, yeah. :huh: But you're right, Ris, we EAs gotta come out from behind the woodwork and show our support. 

I love how in the wintertime, on the prairies if it's quiet you can just hear those worms HOWL!  I love when they're burrowing into a birthday cake, through the thick frosting, working their way to the other side. I love how after it rains, you can practically feel their glee! And we all know why ladies love earthworms so much, don't we? :batting: :smitten: :smitten: :eat1:


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> I can no longer have PMS (I think) but I'm feeling cranky, so I have no idea what to blame it on. Probably shouldn't post when I'm like this, but I feel an overwhelming sense of obligation (and urgency) to point some things out to the Dimensions readership.
> I think that perhaps because the gooey duck thing went south, you're trying to make the earthworm your new cause, since earthworms are sorta little copies of great big gooey ducks. Right? Are you? You seem to have an obsession with icky-looking, tubular invertebrates. Are you and these creatures planning a revolution or something? Do we need to keep our eyes out for camouflauged earthworms sporting AK-47's? People, I think you need to keep this in mind next time you see a gooey duck hiding in the shadows.
> I would like to rephrase this and ask another question. Do you think you're odd, dear Anta?
> ...



Michelle, you're absolutely right that the earthworms are copying the gooey ducks. I can assure you though (and I bet Risible, as a fellow EA, would be the first to back me up on this) that NOTHING can take the place of those damn gooey ducks. Here, I even found a song about them online:

_Chorus:

Dig a duck, dig a duck,
Dig a gooey duck
Dig a duck, dig a gooey duck
Dig a duck a day

You can hear the digger say
As hes headed for the bay
I gotta dig a duck, gotta dig a duck a day

Cause I get a buck a duck
If I dig a duck a day
So I gotta dig a duck,
Gotta dig a duck a day

They walk across the sand
About a half a mile from land
To dig a gooey duck
You dig him up by hand
But it isnt much trouble
And you dont use a shovel
You find a gooey duck
By looking for the bubble

It take a lot of luck
And a certain kind of pluck
To dig around the muck
To get a gooey duck
Cause he doesnt have a front
And he doesnt have a back
And he doesnt know Donald
And he doesnt go, "Quack!"_

Actually, it seems like the song probably sucks.  

Still, there is no attack planned and you won't see these guys lurking in the shadows or anything. (Nice shot below of one burrowing out from the sand though.) 

View attachment geoducksnout.jpg


View attachment geo_diag3.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2007)

Jane said:


> Joy just admitted she was a Master Baiter.



If I may speak for her (she's probably asleep now) baiting is something Joy takes great pride in and she does it well.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 30, 2007)

Esme said:


> Dear Anta,
> What are the winning Mega Millions numbers going to be this Friday? I kind of need to know soon.
> Thanks,
> Esme



Hi Esme,

I never heard about this Mega Millions thing before your post and I'm not a gambler, so I'm pretty clueless about the numbers. But I can offer you some general advice based on my computer experience:

1) Go to Mega Millions site.
2) Click on "Winning Picks".
3) Hit F9. A pop-up window should open up. Click on "play winning numbers."
4) It should ask you, "Are you sure you want to play winning numbers?" Click "Yes."
5) It will ask "keep changes and win lottery?" Click "yes" again, then "save changes." 

Good luck!  

View attachment MegaMillions0.jpg


----------



## Risible (Aug 30, 2007)

Um, back to the gooey ducks ... yet another question: Do they _have _to be flesh colored? On top of every other quality they possess?


----------



## Friday (Sep 2, 2007)

Eeeuuw, they're kind of grayish beige. If that's flesh color I dinna wanna see what they came off of. :huh:


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 5, 2007)

Risible said:


> Um, back to the gooey ducks ... yet another question: Do they _have _to be flesh colored? On top of every other quality they possess?





Friday said:


> Eeeuuw, they're kind of grayish beige. If that's flesh color I dinna wanna see what they came off of. :huh:



If anything, these animals become more and more horrifying and disgusting the more we discuss them. You've gotta hand it to 'em. :bow: 

I didn't choose the flesh color, Risible. And Friday, yes, with the grayish beige I think they're going for kind of an "undead" look. 

View attachment geoducksnout.jpg


View attachment undead_zombie.jpg


----------



## Michelle (Oct 6, 2007)

Michelle said:


> I would like to rephrase this and ask another question. Do you think you're odd, dear Anta?


 
Dear Anta:

Aren'cha gonna answer this? I've been waiting patiently.

Sincerely,

Michelle


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 8, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:I would like to rephrase this and ask another question. Do you think you're odd, dear Anta?
> Yours very truly,
> Michelle





Michelle said:


> Aren'cha gonna answer this? I've been waiting patiently.



Sorry I missed this, Michelle. I answered a similar question pretty conclusively on another thread a while back: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11689

So if you don't mind, I'll just go ahead and repost: 

Am I strange or am I _really_ strange? 

Just strange or just plain strange? Odd or bizarre?

Well, am I strange, am I strange, am I strange? Am I........strange?  

Am I strange, Lord? *religious version* 

Strange, strange, strange? (Strange strange strange STRANGE strange!!)  

(Am I?)


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 9, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Do you think you're odd, dear Anta?



Michelle, I feel guilty about taking the easy route, cutting and pasting my reply yesterday from an old post on another thread. The readers (and in fact anyone who clicks on this thread since not all at Dimensions can read) certainly deserve better.

So here's a new fresh (well, it's all relative) reply to your query. 

*_cues up Broadway overture music, but with a hip hop beat*_

Am I odd?
Do posters like cod?
Just ask any mod
If I'm odd, if I'm odd, if I'm odddddddddd!  

Faces come out of the rain
No one remembers your sprain
Jokers, your posts they flame
When yer oddddddddddd! 

_*sax solo*_

Am I odd?
Do I like BBW bod? :smitten: 
I just don't wanna post
When I feel like a ghost
'N I'm oddddddddd!!!    :bow:

*_thud_*


----------



## Timberwolf (Oct 14, 2007)

Dear Santa,

what will happen on Halloween?

Thanx,

TW


----------



## moore2me (Oct 14, 2007)

Dear Santa,

How will the Chia Head Wars End?


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 14, 2007)

Timberwolf said:


> Dear Santa,
> what will happen on Halloween?
> Thanx,
> TW



This year a group of the world's governments have gotten together under the guidance and sponsorship of the most powerful corporations and have a very big surprise planned for us, Timberwolf, very scary. All of the living and all of the dead will change places.


----------



## Timberwolf (Oct 14, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> This year a group of the world's governments have gotten together under the guidance and sponsorship of the most powerful corporations and have a very big surprise planned for us, Timberwolf, very scary. All of the living and all of the dead will change places.


Oh, wow. This means for me as a living dead won't be any change... :doh:


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 20, 2007)

moore2me said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> How will the Chia Head Wars End?



Sadly, Moore, I predict those wars will end with a whimper rather than a bang. One can sense the battle already winding down. As we move further into autumn chia growing season is drawing to a close and we'll all need plenty more food, clothing and heating fuel to get us through winter. It's a good bet a lot of savvy Dimensioners will look to the Chia Heads first, not for companionship, amusement or battle but instead as a quick source to fill those very basic needs. :eat1:


----------



## moore2me (Oct 20, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Sadly, Moore, I predict those wars will end with a whimper rather than a bang. One can sense the battle already winding down. As we move further into autumn chia growing season is drawing to a close and we'll all need plenty more food, clothing and heating fuel to get us through winter. It's a good bet a lot of savvy Dimensioners will look to the Chia Heads first, not for companionship, amusement or battle but instead as a quick source to fill those very basic needs. :eat1:



Let me see if I understand you - are you saying we should eat the chia heads? Hey, why didn't I think of that - excellent suggestion!!! Well done Santa - well done!

The only problem is that for us carnivores, we will have to use an intermediate host. IE - Rabbits eat salad (chias) - Carnivores eat rabbits. So, we will have to eat what eats chias - will that work? 

View attachment gozilla3.jpg


----------



## Obesus (Oct 20, 2007)

....apparently you have never faced off against 18 pounds of enraged cottontail....it is not a good thing.... Note Cinder here, attempting to eat her mama! Many Carnivores are beaten into pulp by the humble "bunny"...so I daresay we need to cut them out of the linkage and suasageage. Just go straight for the Chia-eating Bengal Tigers! There ya' go!



moore2me said:


> Let me see if I understand you - are you saying we should eat the chia heads? Hey, why didn't I think of that - excellent suggestion!!! Well done Santa - well done!
> 
> The only problem is that for us carnivores, we will have to use an intermediate host. IE - Rabbits eat salad (chias) - Carnivores eat rabbits. So, we will have to eat what eats chias - will that work?


----------



## moore2me (Oct 21, 2007)

Obesus said:


> ....apparently you have never faced off against 18 pounds of enraged cottontail....it is not a good thing.... Note Cinder here, attempting to eat her mama! Many Carnivores are beaten into pulp by the humble "bunny"...so I daresay we need to cut them out of the linkage and suasageage. Just go straight for the Chia-eating Bengal Tigers! There ya' go!



Yumm .......more leg & thigh meat on big bunny. It's to hard to sell Bengal Tiger skin now that all those silly endangered animal regs are everywhere. On the other hand, there is a nice market for bunny fur.


----------



## Obesus (Oct 21, 2007)

....oh my....uh-oh....I am afraid that Cinderbunny read that one...she is sending her boyfriend, "Spike" over with, uh, "The Boys" and a bag of fava beans with a nice Chianti....uhhhh, maybe there is still time....I understand Pago Pago is nice this time of year!




moore2me said:


> Yumm .......more leg & thigh meat on big bunny. It's to hard to sell Bengal Tiger skin now that all those silly endangered animal regs are everywhere. On the other hand, there is a nice market for bunny fur.


----------



## ChubbyBlackSista (Oct 21, 2007)

I stopped writing Dear Santa Letters when I was very young I still do believe in the Jolly Man but I don't write letters to him anymore or leave cookies for him but I still have faith that he is real.


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 28, 2007)

moore2me said:


> Let me see if I understand you - are you saying we should eat the chia heads? Hey, why didn't I think of that - excellent suggestion!!! Well done Santa - well done!
> 
> The only problem is that for us carnivores, we will have to use an intermediate host. IE - Rabbits eat salad (chias) - Carnivores eat rabbits. So, we will have to eat what eats chias - will that work?



Moore, I'm saying eat the _Chia_, not the heads. Use it for heating fuel as well and make jackets from it. :bow:

I hope you're hearing Obesus on this. Eighteen pounds of enraged cottontail is nothing to sneeze at.


----------



## Obesus (Oct 29, 2007)

Cottontails are devilishly clever. In order to get their dinner-snacks, they will lay in wait for hours under the bed and then leap out and use their lightning-fast paws to hold your foot to the ground, while you trip and then plummet over to earth wishing you have gotten them darn snacks at the Petco! It has happened and it was NOT pretty! 
I also do agree that the chia material will provide excellent insulation, but isn't that stuff made out of reconstituted goat-fuzz or something?



Santaclear said:


> Moore, I'm saying eat the _Chia_, not the heads. Use it for heating fuel as well and make jackets from it. :bow:
> 
> I hope you're hearing Obesus on this. Eighteen pounds of enraged cottontail is nothing to sneeze at.


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 30, 2007)

ChubbyBlackSista said:


> I stopped writing Dear Santa Letters when I was very young I still do believe in the Jolly Man but I don't write letters to him anymore or leave cookies for him but I still have faith that he is real.



Thank you, ChubbyBlackSista.  Here are some cookies. 

View attachment 109437_lg.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 31, 2007)

Obesus said:


> I also do agree that the chia material will provide excellent insulation, but isn't that stuff made out of reconstituted goat-fuzz or something?



So I googled "what is chia" (not really knowing if the stuff's any more beneficial than say, weed killer or Astroturf) and I'll be darned! :doh:  Chia really IS nutritious.  :eat1: :eat2: :bow: From Dr. Andrew Weil's site:

_"Chia is an edible seed that comes from the desert plant Salvia hispanica, a member of the mint family that grows abundantly in southern Mexico. You may have seen chia sprouts growing on the novelty planters called Chia Pets, but historically, the seeds have been the most important part of the plant. In pre-Columbian times they were a main component of the Aztec and Mayan diets and were the basic survival ration of Aztec warriors. I've read that one tablespoon was believed to sustain an individual for 24 hours. The Aztecs also used chia medicinally to stimulate saliva flow and to relieve joint pain and sore skin.

Chia is very rich in omega-3 fatty acids, even more so than flax seeds. And it has another advantage over flax: chia is so rich in antioxidants that the seeds don't deteriorate and can be stored for long periods without becoming rancid. And, unlike flax, they do not have to be ground to make their nutrients available to the body. Chia seeds also provide fiber (25 grams give you 6.9 grams of fiber) as well as calcium, phosphorus, magnesium, manganese, copper, iron, molybdenum, niacin, and zinc...."_

More at http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/id/QAA365093


----------



## mimosa (Oct 31, 2007)

Estimado Santa, 

After they drank some "chia fresca," DO you think that mis abuelos y familia de Mexico ate chia tacos or just added it to their salsa ? :eat1:


Con mucho respeto,

:bow:Mimi


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 14, 2007)

mimosa said:


> Estimado Santa,
> After they drank some "chia fresca," Do you think that mis abuelos y familia de Mexico ate chia tacos or just added it to their salsa ? :eat1:
> Con mucho respeto,
> :bow:Mimi



Hola Mimi,

I would think they would wait after drinking the chia fresca, just for variety's sake, before eating another chia item. The chia fresca is probably plenty of chia right there. 

Since chia is a seed I doubt it would work as the main part of a taco...maybe IN a taco with meat and/or cheese but not chia alone. In salsa it might be good. I actually asked about chia seeds the other day at the Natural Grocery near my work but they don't carry them. I bet some Mexican markets do. I'll try some if I ever find 'em fresh.

I started writing this reply in Spanish but it was turning out muy malo so I hope that's OK. Hasta luego!  :bow:

Below: chia seeds 

View attachment 3.1.7_chia1.jpg


----------



## FatAndProud (Nov 14, 2007)

Ooo, I wanna sit on Santa's lap 

:wubu:


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 4, 2007)

FatAndProud said:


> Ooo, I wanna sit on Santa's lap
> 
> :wubu:



Ah yes, my dear, come closer and sit on Santa's lap. :smitten: Mrs. Santa is in the kitchen now making us a huge batch of super yummy cookies. :eat2: 

Do you think you'd be able to watch our son tonight while we go out to another "Save the Reindeer" benefit? The boy isn't much trouble. He's very well behaved.  

View attachment geoducksnout.jpg


----------



## FatAndProud (Dec 4, 2007)

lulz :wubu:


----------



## Michelle (Jan 4, 2009)

Dear Anta:

If a person dies and then springs back to life a day or so later, do they get their money back for the coffin? 

Thankz 4 the answer and lotz of luv!!!!!!!!!:kiss2::kiss2::kiss2:

Sincerely,

Michelle


----------



## Frankie (Jan 4, 2009)

Dear Anta,

Do you think Michelle is doing a drive-by posting, or will she stick around for a while?

Michelle! (((((Michelle)))))

Thanks,
Frankie


----------



## Timberwolf (Jan 5, 2009)

These are actually some good questions...


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2009)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> If a person dies and then springs back to life a day or so later, do they get their money back for the coffin?
> Thankz 4 the answer and lotz of luv!!!!!!!!!:kiss2::kiss2::kiss2:
> Sincerely,
> Michelle





Timberwolf said:


> These are actually some good questions...




Hi Michelle! 

Timberwolf is right. These are some good questions.

So the person just _springs_ back to life then, a day or so after dying? 

I see no reason they shouldn't receive a full refund.  Of course, there are circumstances to consider. Was the body in the coffin? If so, was there any leaking of fluids, let's say, that could have damaged the coffin? A casket maker could tell us more. 

From a customer service standpoint it makes sense to refund the customer in full, because a happy customer will be likelier to return. 

Good to see you, Michelle, and lotz of luv back! :wubu::wubu:


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Dear Anta,
> Do you think Michelle is doing a drive-by posting, or will she stick around for a while?
> Michelle! (((((Michelle)))))
> Thanks,
> Frankie



My gut feeling, Frankie, is that it might be drive-by, kind of a posting miracle, given Michelle's recentish apparent non-Dimensions activity. 

I hope to be proven wrong though, for our own sakes as well as those of the generations of newer BBWs, FAs and trolls unfamiliar with Michelle's wisdom and posting greatness.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 7, 2009)

Dear Santa,

Why do you keep messing up the presents?!

I never get what i wanted for christmas but others do!


Sincerely,
Tyrael


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 7, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> Dear Santa,
> Why do you keep messing up the presents?!
> I never get what i wanted for christmas but others do!
> Sincerely,
> Tyrael



We now outsource the whole presents and delivery operation to a company in India, Tyrael. 

If you have any questions or problems about your gift, please call 1-888-WTF-GIFT and their tiny, incompetent staff will try to help.


----------



## Fascinita (Jan 11, 2009)

Dear Santa,

The neighborhood clan of racoons received some lucre for the holidays, evidently, and apparently decided to invest it in some kind of boombox with large and powerful speakers. Last night I was treated to several hours of the opening strains of "The Blue Danube" mashed up to Charlie Parker's "A Night in Tunisia." I don't know who thinks this constitutes "fun." When I looked out the window at some point, several of the fattest, couchy-potatoest-looking racoons you've ever seen in your life were out in the parking lot slow-dancing, necking and petting, and grinding to this abominal music. On noticing me watching the action, one of the ornery beasts glared at me and made a hissing, evil sound. I had to just slink back behind my curtains and sit there miserably for the next several hours, powerless to put a stop to their shenanigans, and unable to sleep.

What is to be done?


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 11, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> The neighborhood clan of racoons received some lucre for the holidays, evidently, and apparently decided to invest it in some kind of boombox with large and powerful speakers. Last night I was treated to several hours of the opening strains of "The Blue Danube" mashed up to Charlie Parker's "A Night in Tunisia." I don't know who thinks this constitutes "fun." When I looked out the window at some point, several of the fattest, couchy-potatoest-looking racoons you've ever seen in your life were out in the parking lot slow-dancing, necking and petting, and grinding to this abominal music. On noticing me watching the action, one of the ornery beasts glared at me and made a hissing, evil sound. I had to just slink back behind my curtains and sit there miserably for the next several hours, powerless to put a stop to their shenanigans, and unable to sleep.
> 
> What is to be done?



Excellent question, Fascinita!

You seem to have gotten yourself into quite a fix, haven't you?  One can choose one's friends, but you can't choose your family and you _certainly_ haven't chosen these fat furry gutter-shrub-and-tree-dwelling ruffians as neighbors, have you? You need your sleep, one, and two, you need to reclaim that parking lot as your own domain, and pronto.

My advice for now is next time they start partying out there, you point your speakers out your window at them and blare the sound from this "Big Girls" dire hip hop rhymin' video at them: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8afVO6pJYZQ

Let me know what happens and we'll go from there.


----------



## Michelle (Nov 28, 2009)

Dear Anta:

If your name is Will and you are in the Army, should you get worried when people say "fire at will"? 

Thank you in advance for your kind and considered reply.

Sincerely,

Michelle


----------



## rainyday (Nov 28, 2009)

This stalker again? I can't believe she's back.



/sits down to wait for the answer anyway.


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 29, 2009)

Michelle said:


> Dear Anta:
> 
> If your name is Will and you are in the Army, should you get worried when people say "fire at will"?
> 
> ...



Hi, Michelle. I had wondered about this too.

I spoke with a Colonel, and he said if it was him he would run like hell, just in case. "Better safe than sorry," was how he put it.


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 29, 2009)

rainyday said:


> This stalker again? I can't believe she's back.
> 
> 
> 
> /sits down to wait for the answer anyway.



Hi, Rainy. No, I don't think she was a stalker. What I heard was that she's a message board enthusiast who got interested in so many sites that eventually she only had time to visit each one about once a year.

Which is a shame, 'cos she's always been one of the most influential posters around here. Everyone remembers the great Dibs controversy a few years back.


----------



## Frankie (Nov 29, 2009)

Dear Anta,

If I plan on doing nothing today, how will I know when I'm done?

Thanks,
F.


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 30, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Dear Anta,
> If I plan on doing nothing today, how will I know when I'm done?
> Thanks,
> F.



Hi, Frankie.

Hopefully this is already over with by now, but how stressful it must have been for you!

Idleness can be difficult for some. Many of us tend to ask, "How do we know?" Usually the signs are when an activity of some sort has started up, but it's always that easy.

Next time this happens, ask yourself, "Am I busy?" If the answer is "yes," then the idle period has indeed ended.


----------



## Frankie (Nov 30, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Hi, Frankie.
> 
> Hopefully this is already over with by now, but how stressful it must have been for you!
> 
> ...



Thanks, Santa. Though, one could argue that vegetating is an activity of sorts. 

*goes back to catatonia*


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 1, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Thanks, Santa. Though, one could argue that vegetating is an activity of sorts.
> 
> *goes back to catatonia*



It seems impossible to do nothing then. If you're alive, at least your cells, respiratory system and various other systems will be active. Wish I could be a little more help - it's a real brain teaser, that question.


----------



## Fascinita (Dec 1, 2009)

Dear S.,

Do you like The Replacements?

Thx,

F.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 1, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Dear S.,
> Do you like The Replacements?
> Thx,
> F.



Good morning, F.

I'm not sure. I haven't much of their stuff (except for _Pleased to Meet Me_, which seemed pretty good.)


----------



## comaseason (Dec 1, 2009)

Dear Santa,

When it comes to stewed prunes, are 3 not enough or are 4 too many?

Any assistance you can give in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thanks!


----------



## Timberwolf (Dec 2, 2009)

So this thread has come back to life...

Yay for the Dim's archaeologists!


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 2, 2009)

comaseason said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> When it comes to stewed prunes, are 3 not enough or are 4 too many?
> 
> ...



Hello, Coma. In matters Prune I say go with your instincts. To be safe, stew at least 4 but start eating slower when you get to the 4th one. Have fun, but be careful and stay aware of your surroundings. I was at Prune Day '04 in Oakland, a fiasco which nearly turned into a deadly free-for-all for want of enough bathrooms.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 2, 2009)

Timberwolf said:


> So this thread has come back to life...
> 
> Yay for the Dim's archaeologists!



Hello TW! Was just wondering where you were today, in fact.


----------



## comaseason (Dec 3, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Hello, Coma. In matters Prune I say go with your instincts. To be safe, stew at least 4 but start eating slower when you get to the 4th one. Have fun, but be careful and stay aware of your surroundings. I was at Prune Day '04 in Oakland, a fiasco which nearly turned into a deadly free-for-all for want of enough bathrooms.



Thanks Santa this is good advice. I think with prunes you'd agree that it's all about safety first, keep your hands at 10 and 2, helmet on, 5 point harness and all of that. I will heed your advice of proceeding cautiously after #3. Cause dear sweet baby jebus knows we don't want another Oakland.


----------



## stan_der_man (Dec 4, 2009)

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth. Which do you recommend, white acrylic or gold?


----------



## TraciJo67 (Dec 4, 2009)

Dear Santa,

I've been shopping at Regretsy for Christmas gifts this year. I've stumbled across a stuffed bear with a sewn-on vagina. Nothin' says potential lovin' like a stuffed bear with a hand-crafted, sewn-on vagina. What I'm wondering is, do you think this may be too personal of a gift to give to my boss?

If so, what should I do with the half-dozen stuffed bears with sewn-on vaginas that I've already purchased?

Thanks in advance for any insight!

TraciJo67


----------



## Michelle (Dec 4, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Dear Anta,
> 
> If I plan on doing nothing today, how will I know when I'm done?
> 
> ...


 
wOw.

That's a really, really, really deep question.


----------



## swamptoad (Dec 5, 2009)

Dear Santa, missid you kind sir! Doihh, COOL! 

I was wondehigg bou' errrr, why I wondeh so much bou' stuff, duh...uh...? you what I mean, duh...uh...? Its like .. you know what I mean .. somebimes I f'.... you know what i mean ... i f'get .. (whehe was I at, duh...uh...?) .. DOIHH!somebimes I f'get stuff 'n I don't mean t' do it. And dis is somedigg dat I wondeh bou'. Duh. And its more dan stuff ackual. Its like diggs 'n doiggs 'n comiggs 'n goiggs 'n past, uh, present 'n future all innertwinbed .. and yet i don't know if dis rambligg has much t' do wid anydigg but danks f' gettigg dis f'getful rambligg anyhow. Duh.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 5, 2009)

fa_man_stan said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth. Which do you recommend, white acrylic or gold?



The way I see it, Stan, there are two ways you can go on this. 

The white acrylic - simple, easy and non-challenging.

Or you can go for the bling. Get a full grill. Among other things this will buy you "street cred." 

View attachment 060712_dentelGrill_vmed_2p.widec.jpg


View attachment Lil-Wayne-diamonds-teeth-grill.jpg


View attachment grillz.jpg


View attachment grill2.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 5, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> Dear Santa,
> I've been shopping at Regretsy for Christmas gifts this year. I've stumbled across a stuffed bear with a sewn-on vagina. Nothin' says potential lovin' like a stuffed bear with a hand-crafted, sewn-on vagina. What I'm wondering is, do you think this may be too personal of a gift to give to my boss?
> If so, what should I do with the half-dozen stuffed bears with sewn-on vaginas that I've already purchased?
> Thanks in advance for any insight!
> TraciJo67



Hi TraciJo,

How realistic is the vagina? It would be crass to give your employer a bear with an unconvincing vagina sewn on.

Also, is it sturdy? You don't want the vagina to fall off. That goes for all of the bears you purchased.

If the vaginas are loose, you might try fastening them better with some duct tape or safety pins. That might make 'em look "punk" too, so it could look like it was on purpose. 

Either way, they sound like splendid gifts for just about anyone.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 5, 2009)

Michelle said:


> wOw.
> 
> That's a really, really, really deep question.



I know, Michelle! Frankie's question really made me do an extra deep ponder. She's no Shallow Sharon, you know. (Nothing against people named Sharon, of course, or people who are shallow.)


----------



## swamptoad (Dec 5, 2009)

swamptoad said:


> Dear Santa, missid you kind sir! Doihh, COOL!
> 
> I was wondehigg bou' errrr, why I wondeh so much bou' stuff, duh...uh...? you what I mean, duh...uh...? Its like .. you know what I mean .. somebimes I f'.... you know what i mean ... i f'get .. (whehe was I at, duh...uh...?) .. DOIHH!somebimes I f'get stuff 'n I don't mean t' do it. And dis is somedigg dat I wondeh bou'. Duh. And its more dan stuff ackual. Its like diggs 'n doiggs 'n comiggs 'n goiggs 'n past, uh, present 'n future all innertwinbed .. and yet i don't know if dis rambligg has much t' do wid anydigg but danks f' gettigg dis f'getful rambligg anyhow. Duh.




I realize that this doesn't make much sense. That was the point. It's all dialectized .. I do find it interesting how the word intertwined transformed in innertwinbed. *LOL* 

Dear Santa,

How does a moron dialect do such a thing?


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 5, 2009)

swamptoad said:


> Dear Santa, missid you kind sir! Doihh, COOL!
> 
> I was wondehigg bou' errrr, why I wondeh so much bou' stuff, duh...uh...? you what I mean, duh...uh...? Its like .. you know what I mean .. somebimes I f'.... you know what i mean ... i f'get .. (whehe was I at, duh...uh...?) .. DOIHH!somebimes I f'get stuff 'n I don't mean t' do it. And dis is somedigg dat I wondeh bou'. Duh. And its more dan stuff ackual. Its like diggs 'n doiggs 'n comiggs 'n goiggs 'n past, uh, present 'n future all innertwinbed .. and yet i don't know if dis rambligg has much t' do wid anydigg but danks f' gettigg dis f'getful rambligg anyhow. Duh.



Nice to see you, Swampy, missed you too!

It's natural to wonder about things, especially at your age. (I forget how old you are.) It's posts like this that remind us of what a wondrous, bewebbed interwoven cogweaver this good world is. And how refreshing a good ramble in the briar can really be too.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 5, 2009)

swamptoad said:


> I realize that this doesn't make much sense. That was the point. It's all dialectized .. I do find it interesting how the word intertwined transformed in innertwinbed. *LOL*
> 
> Dear Santa,
> 
> How does a moron dialect do such a thing?



So you're saying we all have an inner twin bed that we need to get in touch with? I'm not sure how a Mormon dialect would do that tho.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 5, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> I've stumbled across a stuffed bear with a sewn-on vagina.



TraciJo, I just thought of something. Are these the menstruating bears? I remember reading about this - heavy flow, ruining people's furniture, lotta problems.


----------



## Frankie (Dec 5, 2009)

Santa,

What do you suggest for adult stocking stuffers? I mean "adult" as in "older," not sexy sex stuff.

Thanks,
F.


----------



## swamptoad (Dec 6, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> So you're saying we all have an inner twin bed that we need to get in touch with? I'm not sure how a Mormon dialect would do that tho.



I noticed that you typed Mormon dialect when I had earlier written moron dialect. *lol* 

Basically that is a dialect from a _dialectizer_, programmed to change any text written. I selected moron, whereas I had other choices like elmer fudd, redneck, jive, cockney, swedish moron ...etc...

So, hence, I cheated. :doh:

But I can write similar crazy nonsense without using a dialectizer.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 7, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Santa,
> What do you suggest for adult stocking stuffers? I mean "adult" as in "older," not sexy sex stuff.
> Thanks,
> F.



Hi Frankie,

I suppose it all would depend on what the person(s) in question would want, taking into account their interests, abilities and such. Older than who? I'm notoriously unChristmas-y, but off the top of my head a few good stuffers might include taffy, a magnifying glass, pepper spray, dayglo lip gloss, stockings and a high-pitched whistle.

Here are a couple of photos I found when I googled "geriatric gifts." I hope they help. 

View attachment Schmeiding-aging-geriatrics-UAMS.jpg


View attachment geriatric.jpg


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 7, 2009)

swamptoad said:


> I noticed that you typed Mormon dialect when I had earlier written moron dialect. *lol*
> Basically that is a dialect from a _dialectizer_, programmed to change any text written. I selected moron, whereas I had other choices like elmer fudd, redneck, jive, cockney, swedish moron ...etc...
> So, hence, I cheated. :doh:
> But I can write similar crazy nonsense without using a dialectizer.



All of those choices sound pretty good, Brother Toad, but you probably did right when you selected "moron." Maybe Elmer Fudd next time?


----------



## Michelle (Dec 7, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Hi Frankie,
> 
> I suppose it all would depend on what the person(s) in question would want, taking into account their interests, abilities and such. Older than who? I'm notoriously unChristmas-y, but off the top of my head a few good stuffers might include taffy, a magnifying glass, pepper spray, dayglo lip gloss, stockings and a high-pitched whistle.
> 
> Here are a couple of photos I found when I googled "geriatric gifts." I hope they help.


 
Anta - for heavens sake. Taffy? There is no way- it pulls out your dentures when you chew on it. The other stuff isn't bad, though. But the true thing to stuff stockings with are feet and legs. You forgot those.


----------



## SocialbFly (Dec 7, 2009)

Santa,
if you had to have a replacement for the Replacements, who would it be?
Dianna


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 11, 2009)

Michelle said:


> Anta - for heavens sake. Taffy? There is no way- it pulls out your dentures when you chew on it. The other stuff isn't bad, though. But the true thing to stuff stockings with are feet and legs. You forgot those.



That is so true, Michelle, about the feet and legs. Let us not forget, especially as we're now in the holiday season, that that is primarily what stockings are for.

I picked taffy for the oldsters, 'cos I thought it'd be fun with the dentures.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 11, 2009)

SocialbFly said:


> Santa,
> if you had to have a replacement for the Replacements, who would it be?
> Dianna



Hi Dianna,

Um, the Substitutes? (This was a tough one.)


----------



## Frankie (Dec 11, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Hi Frankie,
> 
> I suppose it all would depend on what the person(s) in question would want, taking into account their interests, abilities and such. Older than who? I'm notoriously unChristmas-y, but off the top of my head a few good stuffers might include taffy, a magnifying glass, pepper spray, dayglo lip gloss, stockings and a high-pitched whistle.
> 
> Here are a couple of photos I found when I googled "geriatric gifts." I hope they help.



Thank you, Santa. By the way, if all of that was tongue-in-cheek, then I guess I should feel embarrassed because I actually have given pepper spray and taffy as stocking stuffers! 

So lemme ask your advice: what do you suggest for putting the spice back into a relationship?


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 12, 2009)

SocialbFly said:


> Santa,
> if you had to have a replacement for the Replacements, who would it be?
> Dianna



Thought this over a bit more, Dianna..... actually the Butthole Surfers would make a much better replacement for the Replacements.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 12, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Thank you, Santa. By the way, if all of that was tongue-in-cheek, then I guess I should feel embarrassed because I actually have given pepper spray and taffy as stocking stuffers!
> 
> So lemme ask your advice: what do you suggest for putting the spice back into a relationship?



No reason to feel embarrassed, Frankie. The pepper spray should be used on the older person while they're eating the taffy (unless they're in very poor health) or else they get to spray someone else with it _while_ they eat the taffy. 

Either way, they get taffy. This has played out very well for me in the past. (I've never gotten sprayed.) 

On to relationships (and this I can't emphasize enough) : Uniforms. Doctor's uniforms, nurse uniforms, military uniforms (all branches of the military, and you can start ordering from other countries to vary it up a bit), police officer, waiter/waitress, airline pilot/steward/stewardess, ship captain, sailor, jailhouse (guard or prisoner,) janitor, plumber, postal worker, milkman/milkwoman....there's an almost endless variety of this sort of stuff. The uniforms do get expensive tho.

Good luck, Frankie, let me know if any of this works.


----------



## Aliena (Dec 12, 2009)

Dear Santa,

I have a dilema that I'm truely concerned about and am not sure what to do. My husband works long hours at a hospital on the night shift and goes to school during the day. I'm unable to drive him with my schedule and so to keep him awake, he's decided to teach our puggy how to drive. The thing is my _Snorty-McShorty_ has narcolepsy and she too easily falls asleep. I see this as an unsafe solution to my husbands lack of sleep and inability to drive (not to mention it's illegal for a pug in the state of Ky to be given a drivers license) and have argued with him, but to my dismay he refuses to see the light of just getting the best sleep he can and drive himself. What can I do to convince him that this is unsafe and he could die???

Help me Santa, I asked Obe-One-Kenobe, but he was too busy to respond. 





P.S. Here is proof that I'm not making this up. 


View attachment zzzzz3.jpg


----------



## Littleghost (Dec 12, 2009)

Dear Santa,

First time listener, long time caller.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What do I do??


----------



## cinnamitch (Dec 12, 2009)

Frankie said:


> Thank you, Santa. By the way, if all of that was tongue-in-cheek, then I guess I should feel embarrassed because I actually have given pepper spray and taffy as stocking stuffers!
> 
> So lemme ask your advice: what do you suggest for putting the spice back into a relationship?




Jalapeno Lube


----------



## Frankie (Dec 13, 2009)

cinnamitch said:


> Jalapeno Lube



LOLOLOL!


----------



## Frankie (Dec 13, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> On to relationships (and this I can't emphasize enough) : Uniforms. Doctor's uniforms, nurse uniforms, military uniforms (all branches of the military, and you can start ordering from other countries to vary it up a bit), police officer, waiter/waitress, airline pilot/steward/stewardess, ship captain, sailor, jailhouse (guard or prisoner,) janitor, plumber, postal worker, milkman/milkwoman....there's an almost endless variety of this sort of stuff. The uniforms do get expensive tho.
> 
> Good luck, Frankie, let me know if any of this works.



Are you sure this is going to work? Shouldn't it be enough if I brush the crumbs outta bed and holler, "All aboard!"?


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 15, 2009)

Aliena said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> I have a dilema that I'm truely concerned about and am not sure what to do. My husband works long hours at a hospital on the night shift and goes to school during the day. I'm unable to drive him with my schedule and so to keep him awake, he's decided to teach our puggy how to drive. The thing is my _Snorty-McShorty_ has narcolepsy and she too easily falls asleep. I see this as an unsafe solution to my husbands lack of sleep and inability to drive (not to mention it's illegal for a pug in the state of Ky to be given a drivers license) and have argued with him, but to my dismay he refuses to see the light of just getting the best sleep he can and drive himself. What can I do to convince him that this is unsafe and he could die???
> 
> ...



Wow, Aliena, this is what Valley Girl types used to call "a gnarly situation."

First, get that hound out from behind the wheel. It isn't right, it isn't safe, and it could get all three of you in a whole heap of legal trouble. Narcolepsy in a driving dog is a real problem. I would say that with the sleep disorder he should not be driving at all.

I've battled a sleep disorder my entire life, not narcolepsy, but still my heart goes out to Snorty. He sounds like a very good dog. 

Someone once told me I should try "staggering my hours." I didn't know what he meant but perhaps your husband could try that? I'll research this more and post my findings.


----------



## swamptoad (Dec 15, 2009)

Dear Santa,


My back hurts. Apple juice tastes good. The sun is shining. Gumbo is tasty. Short sentences rock! I have no questions.


----------



## Aliena (Dec 15, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Wow, Aliena, this is what Valley Girl types used to call "a gnarly situation."
> 
> First, get that hound out from behind the wheel. It isn't right, it isn't safe, and it could get all three of you in a whole heap of legal trouble. Narcolepsy in a driving dog is a real problem. I would say that with the sleep disorder he should not be driving at all.
> 
> ...






Thank you Santa!! Well, my husband is a staggererest of many things. I have even thought of sleep was one of them, but, well, hmmm, ummm,...I digress. 

I will do my best to get Snorty-McShorty out from behind the wheel. Maybe I will call the A&E's "Intervention" people to help with it; I don't know. Like it's totally real sick.


----------



## Santaclear (Dec 16, 2009)

Littleghost said:


> Dear Santa,
> 
> First time listener, long time caller.
> I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What do I do??



Hi, LG. Excellent question.

You might as well forget about your pajamas, they're probably ruined. Was this the proverbial "elephant in the room" that I've been hearing about? If so, then you'll probably need help with the removal (google "elephant removal" for info about businesses in your area.) Good luck with the cleanup.


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## Timberwolf (Dec 18, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Hello TW! Was just wondering where you were today, in fact.


Well, I'm right here - or there, just how you like to spell it.
Some changes in life cause me to visit this place a little less frequent, though. (Like, a bad internet connection - moved to a rural area without high-speed-internet and found myself surfing with a mobile stick... :blink


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## swamptoad (Dec 18, 2009)

Timberwolf said:


> Well, I'm right here - or there, just how you like to spell it.
> Some changes in life cause me to visit this place a little less frequent, though. (Like, a bad internet connection - moved to a rural area without high-speed-internet and found myself surfing with a mobile stick... :blink



Good seeing you again, man. Missed ya!


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## Timberwolf (Dec 22, 2009)

*waves* Hi, man! Long time no see...


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## Santaclear (Dec 22, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> On to relationships (and this I can't emphasize enough) : Uniforms. Doctor's uniforms, nurse uniforms, military uniforms (all branches of the military, and you can start ordering from other countries to vary it up a bit), police officer, waiter/waitress, airline pilot/steward/stewardess, ship captain, sailor, jailhouse (guard or prisoner,) janitor, plumber, postal worker, milkman/milkwoman....there's an almost endless variety of this sort of stuff. The uniforms do get expensive tho.
> Good luck, Frankie, let me know if any of this works.





Frankie said:


> Are you sure this is going to work? Shouldn't it be enough if I brush the crumbs outta bed and holler, "All aboard!"?



I have no idea if any of it will work, Frankie. The train conductor uniform idea does sound great tho, and it should go well with the jalapeno lube Cinnamitch recommended.)


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