# Ladies: BBWS, Body Image, and Gaining Weight. Your Opinion.



## comngetmeFA (May 31, 2006)

are there bbws on this thread who don't necessarily LIKE gaining weight? I'm saying this because I think I've put on a few pounds, possibly 5-10, maybe. I don't like weighing my self--I only do it when I go to the doc. But anyway, I've noticed in the mirror that my stomach's a little bigger, and I just feel really really really fat. Not like my usual self. 

I guess, what I'm really asking is if there are any bbws on this site who feel comfortable in their skin, for the most part, want to be desired by FAs and non-FAs alike (if that makes sense), but who do NOT want to gain any extra weight? 

There _is _a part of me that wants to be the size 4 or even a size 10. (I'm an 18/20.) But then there is a part of me that likes being overweight, and having an ass. 

But I guess my thing is that I want the 'perks' of being a thin chick--cute clothes--bikinis, low hipped jeans, tank tops, short shorts, tiny shoes, easy efforts in getting dates, etc. In a sense, being mainstream, and having a guy say, "she's hot!":smitten: about me. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some fat chicks who do get the hunk guys, and wear anything they want in public...But I've never had the "hunk" guy (looks arent _that _necessary but it would be nice) and I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing anything I want (short shorts, bikinis, etc.) outside closed doors, I'm not that strong, I guess.

Most people would say if I want to be thin, I can get do it--I'm sure I can. But I'm thinking I'm just too lazy, and don't want to work, really work, at getting thin. Who knows.


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## sunandshadow (May 31, 2006)

I definitely don't want to gain weight, and I'd be perfectly happy if I lost 30 lbs. My weight is a result of my genes and my lifestyle, not a matter of choice. I'm fairly neutral towards my current appearance, but it's easy to see there would be benefits to being thinner.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (May 31, 2006)

I realize I'm going to gain weight. It's part of getting older, especially when you have children, which I plan to do. I'd rather weigh 200 lbs., have sagging breasts from breast-feeding, gray hair, and have some hellacious stretchmarks from pregnancies/old age than maintain a perfect body and a sucky life. And that's pretty much the road I'm headed down.  

I don't think most women enjoy gaining weight, and I include myself in there, although if I'm around a scale, I MUST weigh. If there's a mirror and I'm alone, I must pinch fat, criticize, etc.

The scary thing is, even if you got to a size 4, you would still wonder if you wouldn't look better thinner. I still deal with some pretty extreme, compulsive thoughts. I've lost about thirty lbs. on my current job, and the thing is, you can't even tell that big of a difference. That's the annoying part.


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## missaf (May 31, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I realize I'm going to gain weight. It's part of getting older, especially when you have children, which I plan to do. I'd rather weigh 200 lbs., have sagging breasts from breast-feeding, gray hair, and have some hellacious stretchmarks from pregnancies/old age than maintain a perfect body and a sucky life. And that's pretty much the road I'm headed down.



Best post from you ever, SL 

I'm not a gainer, a feeder or an encourager, except to encourage people to embrace tho they are, and continue to love themselves more than the body image the world would have for you.


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## MissToodles (May 31, 2006)

No, I don't. I'm fat enough as is and I don't want my quality of life to be compromised.

This is really sad but I was much more confident when I was a smaller fat person (around 355 lbs). I lost the confidence when I regained some of the weight I lost. I just felt blah and found myself unattractive. Of course these issues go beyond size.


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## TallFatSue (May 31, 2006)

comngetmeFA said:


> But I guess my thing is that I want the 'perks' of being a thin chick--cute clothes--bikinis, low hipped jeans, tank tops, short shorts, tiny shoes, easy efforts in getting dates, etc. In a sense, being mainstream, and having a guy say, "she's hot!":smitten: about me. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some fat chicks who do get the hunk guys, and wear anything they want in public...But I've never had the "hunk" guy (looks arent _that _necessary but it would be nice) and I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing anything I want (short shorts, bikinis, etc.) outside closed doors, I'm not that strong, I guess.


The only reason I'd ever want to be thin is because it's simply more convenient. Like being able to fit into an airplane seat without overflowing onto my husband (no wait, Art *likes* that). Come to think of it, I already do wear 2-piece swimsuits, shorts, sleeveless tops etc., so that wouldn't change, fat or thin. And Art & I celebrated our 24th anniversary on Monday, so dating wasn't *too* tumultuous as a big tall fat girl, and my life seems to be on an even keel as a big tall fatter middle-aged woman. But to be honest, it would be nice just to do thin-woman stuff like plunk myself down in a chair without needing to guesstimate whether I'll fit and whether it'll support me. A wider choice of clothes would be nice too, although I do much better nowadays that with the slim pickings we had in the 1970s (now I'm amazed that so much of that garish stuff is back in style!).

I'm perfectly comfy in my abundant skin, but I'd rather not gain more weight because my mobility might become a problem if I approached or surpassed 500lb. I'll be 49 in June, and the big half-century mark looms ahead, so I definitely keep an eye on health and mobility issues, which so far have not been a problem.

Yeah, it would have been nice for boys to say I was "Totally Hot" (like the title of Olivia Newton-John's album at the time), but there is much to be said for the good honest affection of my nerdy engineer husband. Jocks may win popularity contests, but engineers run the world.


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## LillyBBBW (May 31, 2006)

I do get some attention from men but I admit it's a small number. And of the men I do get attention from, none of them are guys I'm truly interested in or who want me for more than just a rumble in the sack. If I were a small woman I would definitely have more guys interested, but I'm under no illusions that it will translate into happiness. Just more guys who want my body but don't give a crap about me beyond that. It's depressing any way you look at it.

I'm happy with being fat but I'm not thrilled with the idea of becoming fatter. Since I was a preteen I've naturally put on 15 pounds a year on average regardless of what I do. I'm just at the point now where the fatigue of the extra weight I've put on is starting to take it's toll and I don't like it. Getting fatter has been a mixed bag of good and bad and the bad is just beginning to outweigh the good now. 

The reality I face is that even if I implement a healthy more active lifestyle this will not change anything and I will continue on my life path of natural weight gain, becoming one of the healthiest gainers alive. Deep inside of me I don't really want that but I may not have a choice in the matter. I refuse to go to extremes, I'm sticking with common sense self maintenance. 

I'm a bit more concerned for my mental health than anything, preparing myself for whatever the future hands me. To enjoy a life of textbook health and yet be so miserable is no way to live. As of right now I'm in excellent health for my age but I fear the future.


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## FitChick (May 31, 2006)

Lilly, PLEASE don't think that being thin gets you a better class of guys. I've been on "both sides now" and trust me, it doesn't.

If anything, being thin gets you more SHALLOW guys, who only care about the superficial.


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## LillyBBBW (May 31, 2006)

FitChick said:


> Lilly, PLEASE don't think that being thin gets you a better class of guys. I've been on "both sides now" and trust me, it doesn't.
> 
> If anything, being thin gets you more SHALLOW guys, who only care about the superficial.



This I know. Envy or longing doesn't even occur to me there.


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## NFA (May 31, 2006)

I know this is addressed to the women, but I do have a comment I'd like to add. Having self-esteem and a strong body image have NOTHING to do with wanting to gain weight. Accepting a fat body should not mean having to then conclude that you want it fatter. A part of the process, however, should be destigmatizing weight gain and looking at any non-induced weight fluctuation as neutral. Neither sought after nor bemoaned in either direction. Our bodies will change sometimes. While even the best body images can be shaken by a change, its important to keep it in perspective and recognize that this is still your body and deserving of your love and appreciation.

I was an FA before I was fat, but that didn't really help me when I started gaining weight. Because I was interested in the politics of fat, I knew enough not to try fighting my weight, but that didn't mean I didn't want to. I had self-esteem issues as a thin person. Readjusting as a fat person wasn't easy and for a long time, I didn't think I could do. I responded to my body with resignation and mistrust. I couldn't adjust my mental image of myself to incorporate how I know looked 80lbs heavier. It was all I could do just to keep myself from engaging in the predictable weight-cycling that comes from trying to lose weight.

But things did change. Being an FA helped in some ways, but obviously I don't think it is necessary. I looked at other fat bodies, like mine. I learned to see them as attractive and okay, and I transfered those feelings to myself. First I accepted my body through my eyes, looking down and around. Then I accepted the image in the mirror. Then the person I saw in pictures. I'm very committed to having a strong body image, but that doesn't mean there aren't moments when I cringe at seeing myself in a photo or seeing how a shirt fits in the mirror. Body image is a tricky thing, because it can't be based on a static image of your body. Our bodies are always changing. The hair may go grey, lines form around your eyes, things sag in ways they didn't used to. Having a strong body image means always needing to adapt. Its tough, but it can be done. You just need to focus on the constant. Its always YOUR body. It will change. You can try to change it, but the body will almost always insist on being what it will be. But it is always YOUR body.

Trying to change your body to meet an image you can accept really isn't a good strategy. You aren't too lazy or unmotivated to be thin. That's what we are always told so people will try again and again and again to lose weight, always putting the blame on themselves when the diets fail. And they will fail. 95-99% of the time or more. The only thing trying to lose weight has shown to be good at is gaining weight and I don't want to see people running through this cycle over and over again. Hoping to maybe just be what they were before they started their last diet. Contrary to what some feederists will suggest, though, accepting a fat body has NOTHING to do with trying to gain weight or wanting to gain weight. Its about accepting your body for what it is. Resolving not to try to impose anything on your body and developing a peaceful, loving, and healthy relationship between body and mind. There is no quick fix or magic word, but it is absolutely achievable for everyone.


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## moonvine (May 31, 2006)

FitChick said:


> Lilly, PLEASE don't think that being thin gets you a better class of guys. I've been on "both sides now" and trust me, it doesn't.
> 
> If anything, being thin gets you more SHALLOW guys, who only care about the superficial.




I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I believe the greater number of men who are attracted to you, the greater your likelihood is that you will find a potential suitable partner.

Simple math should show this. If 5 men are attracted to one woman, and 10,000 men are attracted to another, which is more likely to find a potential suitable partner?


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## TallFatSue (May 31, 2006)

moonvine said:


> I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I believe the greater number of men who are attracted to you, the greater your likelihood is that you will find a potential suitable partner.
> 
> Simple math should show this. If 5 men are attracted to one woman, and 10,000 men are attracted to another, which is more likely to find a potential suitable partner?


You're probably right, which is another reason I feel so doggone lucky. There were probably 5 (or possibly 10) men attracted to me in my university years, but by golly one of them turned out to be "the one". Maybe my fat filtered out the 9,995 who weren't suitable partners, and saved me a lot of time and aggravation in the dating process? 

My mother once told me (she must have been taking a break from nagging me about my weight) "You have to kiss a lot of frogs, before you find a prince." On the one hand I only had to kiss 5 to find my prince, but on the other hand they were few and far between compared to most of my classmates. So maybe it all evened out?


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## moonvine (May 31, 2006)

Yes, Sue, you are lucky indeed.


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## Tad (May 31, 2006)

moonvine said:


> I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I believe the greater number of men who are attracted to you, the greater your likelihood is that you will find a potential suitable partner.
> 
> Simple math should show this. If 5 men are attracted to one woman, and 10,000 men are attracted to another, which is more likely to find a potential suitable partner?



Ummm, I'm not sure that totally holds up. That is, most people seem not to be especially good at telling on brief aquaintance who would make a good partner for them (hence how many relationships don't work out), and I think most people probably have a harder time when someone is really making an effort to hook up with them--flattery can distort our judgement, at least for most of us.

So then it becomes a matter of how many people can you get to know really well. Beyond some fairly small minimum number, I don't think having a lot more people interested in you really helps this--and in fact it may make it harder. The guy who thinks you are really cool may not be willing to try and out-compete the guys who think you are totally hot in order to get your attention, but in the end, which is more promising for a relationship?

Obviously if nobody is attracted to you, your prospects are not good. But if "everyone" is I think your prospects may also not be so hot. Where the best point lies, I'm not so sure.

Then again, maybe I'm biassed towards the small numbers, because while there were a few women who showed some degree of interest in me over the years, I was clearly never hot. The only woman to be very clear in her interest I've been married to for a dozen years. I don't think a larger sample size would likely have resulted in me having a better relationship. Then again, I could simply have gotten lucky.

Regards;

-Ed


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## philosobear (May 31, 2006)

NFA, this is good stuff. Please post more. You are sane, articulate, and right. 
J.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 1, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I realize I'm going to gain weight. It's part of getting older, especially when you have children, which I plan to do. I'd rather weigh 200 lbs., have sagging breasts from breast-feeding, gray hair, and have some hellacious stretchmarks from pregnancies/old age than maintain a perfect body and a sucky life. And that's pretty much the road I'm headed down.
> 
> I don't think most women enjoy gaining weight, and I include myself in there, although if I'm around a scale, I MUST weigh. If there's a mirror and I'm alone, I must pinch fat, criticize, etc.
> 
> The scary thing is, even if you got to a size 4, you would still wonder if you wouldn't look better thinner. I still deal with some pretty extreme, compulsive thoughts. I've lost about thirty lbs. on my current job, and the thing is, you can't even tell that big of a difference. That's the annoying part.



excellent post, and the question is (from a pretty laid-back kind of feeder, the kind who enjoys but doesn't beg), can you bring yourself to enjoy it if it's inevitable?


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## MsGreenLantern (Jun 1, 2006)

I am used to being fat...I think on many levels I identify myself as "the fat girl", but I have been on diets, I do exercise to try and stay healthy, and I would not be upset if I lost some weight. Several of my hobbies involve a lot of movement like tennis, hiking, swimming. . . if I gained more weight I would feel "weighed down" and I would get tired faster, joints would get achey quicker. I've had plenty of guys asking me if I would gain more since I am only in the moderate range of fat (200-250 range), but to them I say...like me as I am, I'm not your fantasy doll. I will go on with my life trying to enjoy it to the fullest not trying to impress you. That too is why I'm not consumed by weight LOSS....I will only do it for me, not so the skinny lover guys like me.


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## MickRidem (Jun 2, 2006)

comngetmeFA said:


> There _is _a part of me that wants to be the size 4 or even a size 10. (I'm an 18/20.) But then there is a part of me that likes being overweight, and having an ass.
> 
> But I guess my thing is that I want the 'perks' of being a thin chick--cute clothes--bikinis, low hipped jeans, tank tops, short shorts, tiny shoes, easy efforts in getting dates, etc. In a sense, being mainstream, and having a guy say, "she's hot!":smitten: about me. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some fat chicks who do get the hunk guys, and wear anything they want in public...But I've never had the "hunk" guy (looks arent _that _necessary but it would be nice) and I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing anything I want (short shorts, bikinis, etc.) outside closed doors, I'm not that strong, I guess.
> 
> Most people would say if I want to be thin, I can get do it--I'm sure I can. But I'm thinking I'm just too lazy, and don't want to work, really work, at getting thin. Who knows.



Wow - I feel like I'm looking at myself in the past reading this post.

Here's the important part of your post: "a part of me that likes being overweight, and having an ass. "
If you like it, and you like how it feels and looks, and you're happy with your body - then forget everyone else! I know... MUCH easier said than done.

Let's talk about the perks. Clothes. I have a feeling you haven't really looked at some of the other clothes outside of what you're used to picking up. Also, if you think that weight needs to be hidden by clothes you're limiting yourself even more. Don't hide, be comfortable. But you're right, you would have to find the strength and confidence in yourself to be happy - and that's not really about your size at all if you think about it.

Boys vs men. Being blonde, tiny, and okay looking, I did get attention and hoot-calls and attention in the bars. Those boys just want a quick bang. The ones who actually dated me treated me as a trophy girlfriend and not a thought or word of mine was ever important. I felt worthless. I had nothing else to give and they didn't see anything BUT that little tank top or short shorts. God forbid if I ever changed my looks, or else they would be (and _were_) *GONE in a heartbeat*. If I had male friends, some of the boys just assumed my friends were trying to steal their "hot girl" and I was not allowed to speak to whomever I wanted - and in some cases I was hit for my actions.

I was abused in many ways emotionall and physically. The damage lasted for far too many years. I also had some nice guys, real men, assume I was shallow and stupid and all I had was my looks to go on - because that's how I treated myself, and presented myself after a while. It's how I learned to act in front of men. That was the only way I thought I was going to be accepted.

"Simple math should show this. If 5 men are attracted to one woman, and 10,000 men are attracted to another, which is more likely to find a potential suitable partner?"

I can't tell you how volcanic that makes me. Are you F- kidding me?!?! I'll give you "simple math" - thousands of hours being ignored, hundreds of hours being afraid and years of recovery, hundreds of people assuming I was a stupid blonde or worse, that I was EASY, and by some bloody miracle floating in all of that sh- was a wonderful man wo fell in love with ME. No size, no hair colour, no shorts or waistline made his decision.

How many does it take? One. It takes one BOY to hurt you, and it takes one MAN to love you. That love can make you feel like you rule the whole world - much more than merely hearing "she's hot!" The other "10,000 _suitable?_ partners" can go find blow-up Barbie dolls for all I care.

Do you want to be loved because of your looks and forever be afraid of losing everything, or do you just want to be loved?


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## moonvine (Jun 2, 2006)

chillaxin said:


> I can't tell you how volcanic that makes me. Are you F- kidding me?!?! I'll give you "simple math" - thousands of hours being ignored, hundreds of hours being afraid and years of recovery, hundreds of people assuming I was a stupid blonde or worse, that I was EASY, and by some bloody miracle floating in all of that sh- was a wonderful man wo fell in love with ME. No size, no hair colour, no shorts or waistline made his decision.
> 
> How many does it take? One. It takes one BOY to hurt you, and it takes one MAN to love you. That love can make you feel like you rule the whole world - much more than merely hearing "she's hot!" The other "10,000 _suitable?_ partners" can go find blow-up Barbie dolls for all I care.
> 
> Do you want to be loved because of your looks and forever be afraid of losing everything, or do you just want to be loved?



I'm really sorry that these things happened to you in your past.

I don't think it negates my point, though. If a greater number of men are attracted to you, you have a better chance of meeting a suitable partner. If I don't have a date this year, then I'm damn sure not going to meet one. I'm almost 40 and I'd really like to get married at some point.

10,000 was probably a pretty ridiculous number. I don't know anyone who even knows that many people. Say 50 or so. If average thin girl has 50 guys attracted to her in one year, and I have 1, then she has a much better chance of finding a suitable partner than I do. 

I even went to a class in how to attract men (God help me that I am actually admitting this) and that was one of the things that was heavily emphasized. Do things that make you attractive to the majority of men, because it is most definitely a numbers game.

Again, I am glad you found someone. As far as being loved....um, at this point I'd settle for a date.


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## MickRidem (Jun 2, 2006)

"I even went to a class in how to attract men (God help me that I am actually admitting this) and that was one of the things that was heavily emphasized. Do things that make you attractive to the majority of men, because it is most definitely a numbers game."

What class was this and what's their phone number? I will totally kick their asses! I hope you didn't pay actual money for that, it sounds like a way to keep your self confidence in check and money in their pockets.

If only people didn't live so far away... sigh... I know a man about 40 who would LOVE to settle down and get married and just can't seem to find anyone. Don't you see? It's not about your size, it's about YOU.

Being thinner is not always an advantage. If I'd had more confidence and if I'd had FAITH IN MYSELF I would have been much better off during those years. That was my point. Who you really are is more important than what you look like. I think you would be shocked to find out how many men - not recognizing themselves as FA or even know what it means - are attracted to women with "meat on their bones." People are attracted to another person's confidence and personality - really.

Question - how often do you look at a guy's feet? If I told you I had another friend who thinks women won't date him because he doesn't like his feet and thinks it turns women off from dating him, would you tell him to take a class to make his feet smaller? Would you even care? Or notice?

I know I'm very lucky, and I know you're frustrated. Look... I don't know the almighty secret to finding a mate, but it most certainly does NOT come down to _numbers_ and skinny vs fat. When I met my hubby we were both working with Special Needs kids, we shared a passion and were friends for a while before dating. If I worked at Taco Bell that year I would not have met him whether I was big or small, blonde or brunette, rich or poor... it didn't effect day we met.

"If average thin girl has 50 guys attracted to her in one year, and I have 1, then she has a much better chance of finding a suitable partner than I do."

If the average thin _girl?_ no, _woman_ at 40 years old hung around like a painting and waited for men to flock, she would also be disappointed. Go out and live, go and do things that make you happy, do things that fulfill you. _Meet_ people, all kinds of people and enjoy new personalities, but you have to stop looking so hard and "husband-hunting" - 'cause God knows men can smell that a mile away.

Seriously, this class you took? I want the asshole's number. I'll negate them for you...


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## moonvine (Jun 2, 2006)

chillaxin said:


> "I even went to a class in how to attract men (God help me that I am actually admitting this) and that was one of the things that was heavily emphasized. Do things that make you attractive to the majority of men, because it is most definitely a numbers game."
> 
> What class was this and what's their phone number? I will totally kick their asses! I hope you didn't pay actual money for that, it sounds like a way to keep your self confidence in check and money in their pockets.



Nope, it was free and offered at a Mensa convention. It was really interesting. One of the first things they told us was that men (on average, and we are looking to attract the average guy here) don't notice stuff like fingernails. All that exterior stuff is mostly to impress other women. I don't remember too much from the class actually, it was 3 years ago and obviously it didn't do all that much good. Lets see..what else do I remember..walk fast, wear bright colors. It helps if you are taller - not that I can do much about my height!



> Don't you see? It's not about your size, it's about YOU.



I really think I am a decent person. I do charity work. I own my own home. I'm financially and emotionally stable. I'm independent and not overly clingy. I'm smart. 



> Being thinner is not always an advantage. If I'd had more confidence and if I'd had FAITH IN MYSELF I would have been much better off during those years. That was my point. Who you really are is more important than what you look like. I think you would be shocked to find out how many men - not recognizing themselves as FA or even know what it means - are attracted to women with "meat on their bones." People are attracted to another person's confidence and personality - really.



Well, I know I have loads of confidence, and I don't think I have a rotten personality



> Question - how often do you look at a guy's feet? If I told you I had another friend who thinks women won't date him because he doesn't like his feet and thinks it turns women off from dating him, would you tell him to take a class to make his feet smaller? Would you even care? Or notice?



I really never see a guy's feet without shoes on. If I see one with socks and sandals I will think he is a huge dork, though.



> If the average thin _girl?_ no, _woman_ at 40 years old hung around like a painting and waited for men to flock, she would also be disappointed. Go out and live, go and do things that make you happy, do things that fulfill you. _Meet_ people, all kinds of people and enjoy new personalities, but you have to stop looking so hard and "husband-hunting" - 'cause God knows men can smell that a mile away.



Come on, let's face it. Most thin women at 40 are already married, some have been multiple times. I don't know why you think I am hanging around. I travel (alone) all the time. Been on one cruise this year already, going to Disneyworld, going on another cruise (alone) for my 40th birthday. I am in Petsmart every weekend with my cats for adoption days. This Sunday I am going tubing with my local NAAFA group. I climb waterfalls. I swim with dolphins. I certainly don't "hang around like a painting."

Every Saturday during the fall I go to watch football at a local sports bar with an alumni group. I went to the Cotton Bowl last January 2nd. I work with 500 men, none of whom have ever given me a second look. 

I go bowling, putt putt golfing, to movies, out to restaurants, etc.

I quit looking for 5 years. That got me from 35 to 40, and no closer to a suitable partner than I was to start with. Actually I'm at the point where I am pretty much accepting that I will never marry. I *would* like a date though. More than 1 a year would be great!


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## MickRidem (Jun 2, 2006)

"Nope, it was free and offered at a Mensa convention. It was really interesting. One of the first things they told us was that men (on average, and we are looking to attract the average guy here) don't notice stuff like fingernails. All that exterior stuff is mostly to impress other women. I don't remember too much from the class actually, it was 3 years ago and obviously it didn't do all that much good. Lets see..what else do I remember..walk fast, wear bright colors. It helps if you are taller - not that I can do much about my height!"

What, did they take a poll? If I ever meet you I'll check out your fingernails. Pfft - I never do, nor look at fingernails. They made generalizations, and you can't talk about dating or love or attraction in a scientific way, Mensa or no Mensa, it just doesn't work that way.

"I really think I am a decent person. I do charity work. I own my own home. I'm financially and emotionally stable. I'm independent and not overly clingy. I'm smart... Well, I know I have loads of confidence, and I don't think I have a rotten personality"

Well it certainly sounds like you're happy!

"I really never see a guy's feet without shoes on. If I see one with socks and sandals I will think he is a huge dork, though."

LOL! :doh: But... Even with shoes - big or not big feet.

"Come on, let's face it. Most thin women at 40 are already married, some have been multiple times."

And I know a LOT of women who aren't thin who are very happily married and have been for years, or multiple times. I also know some single thin women who are still looking. You don't make a strong argument at all. Let's face it nuthin', it's just not a factor unless you make it one.

"I certainly don't "hang around like a painting."

Sorry, that's just how it read. You are very active and very sociable, and you have a lot in your life that you're enjoying right now. But yet, you travel alone. (You don't travel with girfriends, either?) You _worked with_ 500 men but you _befriended_ how many of them? Did any of them got to know you very well? Or... were they only able to look at you, like a painting? I think that's more along the lines that I meant. These places you go to, the groups you meet, do you consider the people around you your friends? Do you ever take the first step and ask guys on dates? (I practically had to hit my hubby over the head and scream HEY!! I LIKE YOU MORE THAN A FRIEND!! before anything happened.)

Look, I don't know you as a person, but out of all the people I do know with bad hair, big noses, bellies, big feet, too short or too tall, shy, too smart or not smart enough, too hairy, or even socks with sandals... everyone can find a reason not to be "datable." Really, ask anyone. Hell, the socks with sandals thing would count out all of my Italian in-laws - yet, they breed.  It's not about looks or numbers, otherwise, only Hollywood actors would ever marry and none of them can seem to figure out how to do that either.

It's life. Sometimes it sucks, but by the sounds of it, your life doesn't suck too badly. Of course it would be nice to share it with someone. I'll bet you some of those Mensa people walk around with socks and sandals at home.  Don't let them bark numbers at you, and don't let them get you down.


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## Tad (Jun 2, 2006)

moonvine said:


> I really think I am a decent person. I do charity work. I own my own home. I'm financially and emotionally stable. I'm independent and not overly clingy. I'm smart.
> .............
> Well, I know I have loads of confidence, and I don't think I have a rotten personality
> ..........
> Come on, let's face it. Most thin women at 40 are already married, some have been multiple times.



For whatever reason, I never had personal female friends, so most of the women I know are the girlfriends and wives of my friends, co-workers, and 'friends of the group' (I have a fairly formal group of friends, with a bunch of people who are friends of various group members, who we see a lot). None of those do I know well enough to know the inner workings of their minds or all their dating experience.

BUT, what I can tell you is that there are two women who have been friends of the group for years, both now in their late 30s, both quite attractive (frankly one of them has the most raw sex appeal of any thin woman I've ever met). Both are stable, bright, have good jobs, but are adventurous. Both have travelled widely, and are friendly, open, and good at making friends. They both ooze with confidence. Neither has ever come close to getting married, and both go through huge long dry spells of being single. Oh, and both are quite thin (one has an almost hollywood build, the other is more the short-spunky-curvy in an athletic way type--both do things like snow board and scuba dive very well). There are three other women who have been friends of the group for not quite as long. They are quieter, fairly average looking, more apt to disapear into the background. All three are now married, engaged, or in a long term relationship (one each last I heard). I've often seen the same thing with co-workers, the ones that you might think were the biggest catches often seem to be the ones with the least luck at settling down, while the more ordinary girl next door has no trouble doing that.

I don't know why. Maybe they intimidate some guys, maybe their standards are higher, maybe they are too happy with their lives to make the compromises needed to make a relationship work. Maybe they are just unlucky in love.

What I have heard is that most women look to "marry up." That is, most women look for a guy at least as educated and succesful as they are, if not moreso. The result is that marriage rates tend to be lower amongst the most succesful women, and amongst the least succesful guys. Also amongst somewhat older women and somewhat younger guys, but that is probably partially a reflection of the first point, and partially a matter that guys who divorce in their 40s and on often hook up with a woman a fair bit younger than their ex-wife.

Obviously none of this is particullarly comforting. But I think all of that might well be at least as relevant as your weight.

Regards;

-Ed


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## moonvine (Jun 2, 2006)

chillaxin said:


> What, did they take a poll? If I ever meet you I'll check out your fingernails. Pfft - I never do, nor look at fingernails. They made generalizations, and you can't talk about dating or love or attraction in a scientific way, Mensa or no Mensa, it just doesn't work that way.



It was a study that was done. IIRC they had a picture of a naked woman with her hands covering her breasts. They asked a group of men and women about her fingernails. The women were mostly able to answer "medium length, french manicure." The men were mostly not aware her hands were in the picture. According to the guy who did the class, fingernails were perhaps more useful when more people smoked, as the fingers were up around the face more. Fingernails (and feet) will still be noticed by a minority of people of both sexes. But I'm looking at attracting the majority here.

By the way, my fingernails are really pretty. I am blessed with naturally long, strong nails



> LOL! :doh: But... Even with shoes - big or not big feet.



Oh yeah, I don't look at that at all. I was thinking maybe something like toenail fungus would be gross- but could be treated. 



> Sorry, that's just how it read. You are very active and very sociable, and you have a lot in your life that you're enjoying right now. But yet, you travel alone. (You don't travel with girfriends, either?)



Well, honestly I don't know any single women other than myself, other than on this message board. Every woman I know in real life is either married or is in a long term relationship. I guess you don't have to be single to travel with a group of girlfriends, but I don't know anyone who wants to travel without their S.O. I tried to get my best friend to go on a cruise with me, but it is just not for her.

Sometimes I travel with a Mensa group. Sometimes I travel to a Mensa convention by myself. This October I am going on a cruise with a group from cruisecritic.com, but I don't know any of them. If I click with any (male or female) I will hang out with them, if not I will hang by myself. 



> You _worked with_ 500 men but you _befriended_ how many of them? Did any of them got to know you very well? Or... were they only able to look at you, like a painting? I think that's more along the lines that I meant. These places you go to, the groups you meet, do you consider the people around you your friends? Do you ever take the first step and ask guys on dates? (I practically had to hit my hubby over the head and scream HEY!! I LIKE YOU MORE THAN A FRIEND!! before anything happened.)



I have two very close male friends that I work(ed) with. (One is no longer here). Both are married. I have a theory on this - most single men who don't want to sleep with me also do not want to be friends with me. I think marriage frees them up to be friends with women they don't consider attractive, both because they do not need to spend time pursuing women and because they will be societally judged more on who they are married to than who their friends are.

I would never, but ever, ask a man out. Firstly, I am strongly attracted to men who are very outgoing, charismatic, self-confident. I am strongly unattracted to anyone I would have to ask out. This is probably part of the problem, but I have attempted to change who I am attracted to to no avail.
Secondly, I am pretty sex-role-traditional in many ways, much as it horrifies my mother.





> It's life. Sometimes it sucks, but by the sounds of it, your life doesn't suck too badly.



My life is pretty awesome. I wouldn't mind having a date before the end of the year though..at least one.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 2, 2006)

dan ex machina said:


> excellent post, and the question is (from a pretty laid-back kind of feeder, the kind who enjoys but doesn't beg), can you bring yourself to enjoy it if it's inevitable?



I think I can find solace in the cause, if that makes sense.

Oh, Chill, one thing I wanted to add: You're 130 lbs., I think, from a previous post? (That's okay! I'm weighing in at about 127 these days myself! This isn't a bashing either way!) Clothing is much easier to buy at a size 6-8 than a 10-12 (which I was doing a few months ago until working this exhausting damned job and recovering from destruction towards my own metabolism). The cute stuff is left over. Clothing is less expensive. I imagine if you're a 26, this is even harder to find stuff that doesn't resemble a muumuu.

While guys may not look at little details, they definately notice when a woman has nice stuff on or is dressed like a total frump.


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## MickRidem (Jun 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I think I can find solace in the cause, if that makes sense.
> 
> Oh, Chill, one thing I wanted to add: You're 130 lbs., I think, from a previous post? (That's okay! I'm weighing in at about 127 these days myself! This isn't a bashing either way!) Clothing is much easier to buy at a size 6-8 than a 10-12 (which I was doing a few months ago until working this exhausting damned job and recovering from destruction towards my own metabolism). The cute stuff is left over. Clothing is less expensive. I imagine if you're a 26, this is even harder to find stuff that doesn't resemble a muumuu.
> 
> While guys may not look at little details, they definately notice when a woman has nice stuff on or is dressed like a total frump.




I *thought* I was 130, but it turns out I’m about 140 and thrilled about it! I’ve never been happier or healthier!  When I went shopping just over a week ago I wondered what I was going to encounter. The clothes were _not_ more expensive at all, and I was still able to buy the same styles and hip clothes (well, as hip as a 32 year old should be LOL!) and anything I liked I was able to find in my size, and even a little bit bigger in some cases. Trust me, I’m FAAAAAR away from muumuu &#8211; although, confession time, I do own one for around the house in the summer. HAHA! :doh: 

I bought jeans and jean shorts at sizes 32 and 33, multiple cute tops at size 12, and since the summer season in malls is ending, I snagged some awesome sales so everything cost even less! It ain't no muumuu, trust me. I only look like a total frump when I want to  , and I can definitely dress damn sexy when I want to as well. I haven't lost any clothes opportunities at my new size.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 3, 2006)

Oh, I think EVERYONE owns a muumuu or a muumuu equiv. Mine's a big orange sweatshirt. I totally rock the pumpkin look.


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## FitChick (Jun 3, 2006)

This is not specifically about FAs vs non-FAs but...I find men who like women of all sizes are far less shallow (and often more intelligent and interesting) than men who MUST have a "thin" woman.


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## MickRidem (Jun 3, 2006)

"Oh, I think EVERYONE owns a muumuu or a muumuu equiv. Mine's a big orange sweatshirt. I totally rock the pumpkin look."

My hubby likes what I'm wearing under it.  WOOHOO!



FitChick said:


> This is not specifically about FAs vs non-FAs but...I find men who like women of all sizes are far less shallow (and often more intelligent and interesting) than men who MUST have a "thin" woman.



*Stands and applauds*

Thank you.


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## Anguisette (Jun 3, 2006)

I am a BBW and have been one since college. I do not try to gain weight or maintain a larger size and I never will. I simply embrace the shape my body wants to take and try to live in that shape as healthily as I can.

I respect anyone's right to feel differently.

But I also think forcing oneself to be fat for aesthetic reasons is just as stupid as forcing oneself to be thin for the same.


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## TallFatSue (Jun 4, 2006)

chillaxin said:


> Don't you see? It's not about your size, it's about YOU.


Speaking only for myself, I agree. Up until junior high school I hated my size, so I just moped around and wanted to hide all the time. The other kids picked up on my low self esteem, so they made fun of me and called me Suzy Bigfoot or Whale Belly or worse. Then in high school I discovered that I had a quick wit, so I became the stereotypical big tall fat girl who made everyone laugh. It was a defense mechanism but it worked wonderfully well, and soon I had lotsa friends because they thought I was fun to be around. I actually had a few boyfriends too, not many because most of them wanted the thin chicks, but those few were pretty good. In retrospect my large layers of lard probably filtered out most of the shallow jerks (except for a few who thought fat girls were easy), and I was left with the small number who were interested in me for ME. But none of them were quite right for me until my university years when Mr. Right practically fell into my lap, albeit disguised as Mr. Wrong at first.

I've asked Art why he decided to take a change on a big tall fat girl. He said he enjoyed just about everything else about me -- he liked my personality because I was friendly, witty, intelligent, independently-minded etc. -- and enormous breasts were nice too -- so he became intrigued at how I went through daily life dealing with all this fat hanging out and bouncing around. In short, he decided to take my entire package. In my case at least, I'm convinced that personality triumphs over size, although size can be a nice bonus.

I've seen many thin and classically beautiful friends and acquaintances being hit on solely for their looks, and end up in terrible or abusive relationships -- although many have done quite well too. Obesity is obviously among the most visible, but it's really only one of many factors in life.


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## MoonGoddess (Jun 4, 2006)

*I would like to remain the weight I am now. If I keep walking and eating as I am now, that should be fairly easy to do. But I accept that as I age, I will most likely get heavier. And I am fine with that.

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.*


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## GordoNegro (Jun 23, 2006)

I think we're in a better time period now where you can walk the street and see people's attitudes all across the board.
There are different clothing styles in larger sizes depending of finanances as compared to years past.
Finding buttoned shirts that feel loose and comfortable as opposed to yrs past when I would have to starve to avoid busting a button at work or family function.
Still a long way to go but at least progress is being made.


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## SensualSSBBWCurves (Jun 30, 2006)

I personally like the softness and curves of being a large women, however I don't want to gain weight. Not that I am against anyone that does, but it's not something that, I would prefer to do.


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## SexxyBBW69 (Jul 9, 2006)

I have to say.. I have been on both sides I used to be 125lbs & now I am 2x that size.... yes I had alot of loving relationships when I was thinner & yes there were men who were shallow that approched me I always turned them down I hate a man who is too much into himself that only means he wont have room to be into you... now I am 245 & honestly yes I get some attention mostly online & from men who live in a different state.... guys near me I have a hard time finding who would like the fat me especially someone I would like I am fine with who I am because I want to be loved for me..... as far as if I would gain more weight who knows i come from a fat family so it is bound to happen unless I diet & exercise.. would I gain weight if I found the right man who loved me for me & all my curves & belly & I gained weight then I would be ok with that... & if I found someone i knew loved me & wanted me to gain weight & I cared for him I probably would but not too much bigger.
I guess what it comes down to is I just want to be loved for who I am the whole package now I just need to find it :wubu:


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