# Dealing with insensitive comments, looks or attitudes.



## da3ley (Jun 25, 2018)

How and do you deal with these type of issues? If its an adult doing it, I will go ahead and address it. If its a kid, it depends on how old they are I will address the situation as well. Although, I do hate it when I am in public and a little kid almost marches right into a pole or another person because he/she cant seem to believe that....

1. yes, they are looking at a person that is as big as maybe something they have never seen before, and 2. yes, I am a real person. Its like they are in awe or something, or simply cant believe what they are actual seeing..
I am pretty big. I am almost 6 feet and weight 520lbs, so you can imagine the looks I receive as i am not just an "ordinary" "fat" or "big" person but a huge individual. 

What about you folks? How do you deal with issues like this when going out in public? I'll tell you one thing, I always make sure I smile and look people in the eyes so they know that I have feelings and do matter.


----------



## LifelongFA (Jun 25, 2018)

da3ley said:


> How and do you deal with these type of issues? If its an adult doing it, I will go ahead and address it. If its a kid, it depends on how old they are I will address the situation as well. Although, I do hate it when I am in public and a little kid almost marches right into a pole or another person because he/she cant seem to believe that....
> 
> 1. yes, they are looking at a person that is as big as maybe something they have never seen before, and 2. yes, I am a real person. Its like they are in awe or something, or simply cant believe what they are actual seeing..
> I am pretty big. I am almost 6 feet and weight 520lbs, so you can imagine the looks I receive as i am not just an "ordinary" "fat" or "big" person but a huge individual.
> ...



This is an unfortunate reality still for many people. In an age where society has evolved in the acceptance of so many other marginalized groups, fat seems to be the among the last of the widely accepted prejudices. As a long time fat admirer, I do think baby steps have been made, but too often there are slights, rude comments, stares and awkward expressions. I have not experienced these very often with the women I have been with, but it helps that I am a 6'2" 300 lb former football player, so often these slights are happening behind my back or when my significant others have been alone. I have heard the stories and felt the pain of people I care deeply about. I try to remind them that these are just insecure and shallow people who just don't matter, but I know it still hurts. One special lady in my life wouldn't be seen in a bathing suit for several years after some mean teenage boys made comments about her at a hotel resort pool (on a business trip I was unable to attend with her). This happened after it taking her years to work up the courage to put herself out there. 

One thing I believe is necessary. You simply have to own it. A confident woman, no matter her size, is going to command more respect than someone who looks like an easy target. Some people always are going to stare, but owning your size is at least a start in the right direction. And men and friends need to stand up for our friends, significant others and partners. Don't allow it in your presence!


----------



## da3ley (Jun 25, 2018)

LifelongFA said:


> This is an unfortunate reality still for many people. In an age where society has evolved in the acceptance of so many other marginalized groups, fat seems to be the among the last of the widely accepted prejudices. As a long time fat admirer, I do think baby steps have been made, but too often there are slights, rude comments, stares and awkward expressions. I have not experienced these very often with the women I have been with, but it helps that I am a 6'2" 300 lb former football player, so often these slights are happening behind my back or when my significant others have been alone. I have heard the stories and felt the pain of people I care deeply about. I try to remind them that these are just insecure and shallow people who just don't matter, but I know it still hurts. One special lady in my life wouldn't be seen in a bathing suit for several years after some mean teenage boys made comments about her at a hotel resort pool (on a business trip I was unable to attend with her). This happened after it taking her years to work up the courage to put herself out there.
> 
> One thing I believe is necessary. You simply have to own it. A confident woman, no matter her size, is going to command more respect than someone who looks like an easy target. Some people always are going to stare, but owning your size is at least a start in the right direction. And men and friends need to stand up for our friends, significant others and partners. Don't allow it in your presence!



I think that your reply post is spot on. That is wonderful that you stand up for your loved ones. Sometimes I wonder if mine are embarrassed of me.


----------



## LifelongFA (Jun 25, 2018)

I don't even think twice about it. I think everyone needs to be treated with dignity and respect. A warm smile may be all it takes to make someone's day a little better.


----------



## DragonFly (Jun 25, 2018)

I have been photographed, had video taken, been laughed at, yelled at and a bunch of other “ at” things. Once in Vegas I had a young man, very drunk man come up to me and he started taking selfies with me in the picture. I repeatedly told him not to, I said the word no. I did what I could but he continued. This happened when I was accompanied. When I’m alone it gets worse. I’ve got a pretty tough shell but in the age of everyone has a phone in their hand to record everything I go out less and less. 

I own my size but it makes little to no difference to most people. A supersized female on her own in public might as well have a big red X on her. I will definitely address small children if they verbally accost me. I will do it in front of their parents or caregivers. I am age appropriate and make sure they know that they have hurt my feelings. Adults I will advise then it is not okay for them to take pics or whatever they have done. 

Interestingly enough I have found I get the most disgusted looks from elderly females. They most often will make loud rude comments. These ladies I useually tell them off.


----------



## fuelingfire (Jun 25, 2018)

My GF and I have disproportionately noticed women gawking at us, rather than men.


----------



## AmyJo1976 (Jun 26, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> I own my size but it makes little to no difference to most people. A supersized female on her own in public might as well have a big red X on her. I will definitely address small children if they verbally accost me. I will do it in front of their parents or caregivers. I am age appropriate and make sure they know that they have hurt my feelings. Adults I will advise then it is not okay for them to take pics or whatever they have done.
> 
> Interestingly enough I have found I get the most disgusted looks from elderly females. They most often will make loud rude comments. These ladies I useually tell them off.


Definitely! I'm not big on confrontation so I pick my battles accordingly. If it's someone I feel comfortable giving a piece of my mind, I will do so. If it's not, I'll try to brush it off and move on. It all depends on what you're comfortable with.


----------



## agouderia (Jun 26, 2018)

Maybe because I'm on the smaller side, I rarely get any flack in public. If I do, it doesn't bother me that much, because those are mostly such idiots, a quick hit back at their stupidity does the job.

What I find much more unnerving and more difficult to handle are constant harping and comments in the (extended) personal circle. One part of that surely is that they are so regular & predictable; I always have to brace myself when I meet certan people.
How do you deal with the dumb old family friend, who wears the same size I do by now, every single time they visit tells me how terrible my life must be because I never fit into size 6? The neighbor who comments on every outfit as to how "big" it makes me look? 

I haven't found a solution to this. Of course I've tried the "this is not an issue I want discussed" - but they never get the message. And I admittedly shy away from more explicit retorts because I fear longer term frictions in the circle of family and friends (not least no one to water the flowes when I'm away... ;-), alienating other friends or family members. But it bothers me.


----------



## DragonFly (Jun 26, 2018)

agouderia said:


> Maybe because I'm on the smaller side, I rarely get any flack in public. If I do, it doesn't bother me that much, because those are mostly such idiots, a quick hit back at their stupidity does the job.
> 
> What I find much more unnerving and more difficult to handle are constant harping and comments in the (extended) personal circle. One part of that surely is that they are so regular & predictable; I always have to brace myself when I meet certan people.
> How do you deal with the dumb old family friend, who wears the same size I do by now, every single time they visit tells me how terrible my life must be because I never fit into size 6? The neighbor who comments on every outfit as to how "big" it makes me look?
> ...


My mother was famous for saying things like “ wouldn’t it be nice to be really beautiful”.... she also continually perpetuated the Ugly Duckling syndrome. Life would be great when I was skinny. She also told me of her woes of people coming to her about my weight. I no longer have a relationship with her. The others I just tell them to stop. I also don’t have anyone to water the plants anymore ;-)


----------



## ScreamingChicken (Jun 26, 2018)

Is this a regional thing when it comes to the remarks and and looks? I was in West Virginia with my GF two weeks ago. We are both over 300 each and were practically invisible. Granted, West Virginia has a high percentage of fat folks so that may explain things.


----------



## agouderia (Jun 26, 2018)

It definitely is a regional and cultural thing, to a certain extent. Like how high the value of politeness is with the goal of never making anybody feel uncomfortable. Were the boundaries are set as to personally interfering remarks - or what is considered intimate or not. 
In that respect I do have the disadvantage of moving around a lot in 2 out of 3 cultures that are very frank to blunt.

But it also depends on what is the norm in general in society - like the ratio of fat people.


----------



## Shh! Don’t tell! (Jun 26, 2018)

This thread is really eye opening. I’m thin and on the rare occasions that somebody comments negatively on my body I completely fall apart. I can’t imagine dealing with the things you guys are talking about.


----------



## loopytheone (Jun 26, 2018)

I don't exactly leave the house much so most of my interactions are with friends/family. My mother used to really lay into me about my size until I actually had an argument with her about it and pointed out that she was essentially wanting me to go back to having an eating disorder. She has shut up with the fatphobic comments ever since, but I still get very blatant hints about going on diets etc etc. 

I had a few comments by both my grandparents about my weight as well, nothing that was intended as nasty or mean, but I think the older generation tend to be a bit more blunt with such things. These comments were in front of the rest of my family, including my mother, so they really bothered me at the time. I never did bring it up with either of them though.

I remember being called a fatass in public by a stranger when I was 115 lbs and in the midst of an eating disorder. Some people just like to be cruel and try and hurt people around them, even if they don't know them. Scumbags, basically. 

Oddly, the thing my mother seems least able to handle is my FFA-ness. Like, I've explicitly told her multiple times that I only like fat guys, but she still asks me why I wont date my skinny friends or if I find a boring selection of celebrities attractive. She never accepted my ex in most part because he was a SSBHM. I would honestly love to arrange a gathering of the biggest friends I have and just invite them all round to my mum's at once for dinner and watch her attempt to be polite, hah. She might actually learn a few things about how fat people are people too, who knows...


----------



## LifelongFA (Jun 26, 2018)

There is no question that geography plays a role. However, I think that some people are downright intimidated by what I call a "supersize power couple". A confident couple that can't be ignored. Call me crazy, but I have always gotten a rush off walking into a hotel, restaurant, etc.and having everyone turn their heads. I think it is fun to imagine what people are really thinking. I truly believe based on my observations that there are a lot more FAs and FA curious (and of course FFA) than we often think.


----------



## Tad (Jun 26, 2018)

Thin admiration doubles as virtue signaling in much of western culture. Throw in that fat people can seem like one of the few safe groups to denigrate, for those who enjoy that, and it seems like a lot of the population has to share an opinion. Sigh.


----------



## Tracyarts (Jun 26, 2018)

I almost never have had people approach me and say something to me directly. I think it's because of how I carry myself and my physical presence. 

I'm 6' in everyday shoes, keep my head up and my shoulders back, and stand in a loose "ready to move" stance with both arms free (crossbody bags only). I don't avoid eye contact, but don't maintain it with strangers. I scan my surroundings, move with purpose, and keep a neutral in control look on my face. 

Now, none of that is a fat thing. That's from being a very independent teen girl and young woman living in the middle of a huge city. I have the "I am not prey" vibe about me, and that's pure street smart survival instinct. 

But I occasionally get "fatcalls" (we all know what that means, random fat focused yell-ats by passing strangers). TBH, it's no different than sexual catcalls, and sometimes it's a combination of both. Again, city girl...it's annoying but I pretty much expect it. I've been dealing with it in one form or another since I was thirteen fucking years old. 

Occasionally I get commented "at but not to". Again, we all know what that means. I ignore it. Why engage? They must be pretty miserable to act that way. 

Now if I'm sitting somewhere minding my own business and someone is giving me dirty looks I usually ignore it. But occasionally I'll make eye contact with them and smile. That usually rattles them enough to shut them down. 

I have occasional phone camera photo/video creepers. I really hate that because it's so invasive. If I'm completely alone, I make focused eye contact and it generally sends them scurrying. If my husband is nearby I flip them the bird. 

I'm bigger and taller than all the women I encounter, and most of the men. People don't fuck with me. And the little yell-ats, dirty looks, and phone camera creeping is background irritation. 

Doesn't make any of it okay, but it doesn't really bother me that much.


----------



## AmyJo1976 (Jun 27, 2018)

loopytheone said:


> I don't exactly leave the house much so most of my interactions are with friends/family. My mother used to really lay into me about my size until I actually had an argument with her about it and pointed out that she was essentially wanting me to go back to having an eating disorder. She has shut up with the fatphobic comments ever since, but I still get very blatant hints about going on diets etc etc.
> 
> I had a few comments by both my grandparents about my weight as well, nothing that was intended as nasty or mean, but I think the older generation tend to be a bit more blunt with such things. These comments were in front of the rest of my family, including my mother, so they really bothered me at the time. I never did bring it up with either of them though.
> 
> ...



My mother is like that too! She is older and speaks her mind. Part of it is her trying to shame me into doing what she wants. Seems like that is a thing for the older generation. Embrace your preferences and feelings. Like or love who you want, it's your life not theirs!


----------



## BigElectricKat (Jun 28, 2018)

da3ley said:


> How and do you deal with these type of issues? If its an adult doing it, I will go ahead and address it. If its a kid, it depends on how old they are I will address the situation as well. Although, I do hate it when I am in public and a little kid almost marches right into a pole or another person because he/she cant seem to believe that....
> 
> 1. yes, they are looking at a person that is as big as maybe something they have never seen before, and 2. yes, I am a real person. Its like they are in awe or something, or simply cant believe what they are actual seeing..
> I am pretty big. I am almost 6 feet and weight 520lbs, so you can imagine the looks I receive as i am not just an "ordinary" "fat" or "big" person but a huge individual.
> ...


I am not great at dealing with this type of stuff. But for the most part, I don't get it about my size but for other things. My general course of action when I catch people staring is to stare right back with a "WTF you looking at?" look. While I am not tall, I still have that football linebacker look and I can still look rather mean to the uninitiated. Usually, people become uncomfortable after a few seconds and look away. I tend to be somewhat passive agressive in these situations and make a comment or two. Funny story: Once, some old jackass was sitting in a restaurant with his family and made a comment about me and the girl I was dating being "an abomination". I suppose he didn't like that I was with a rather attractive, curvy gal of another race. And kept making these comments under his breath. Finally fed up, I stared at him and did not remove my gaze until he understood I was displeased with his words. At the end of the meal, we had to walk past his table. I took a couple steps past their table and then came back, looked him square in the eyes and said, "I bet you don't even know how to spell abomination". As I stood at the register paying for our meal, I could hear him spelling it out to his kids, "a-b-o-m-e-n-a-s-h-u-n". I cracked right the hell up!


----------



## da3ley (Jun 28, 2018)

BigElectricKat said:


> I am not great at dealing with this type of stuff. But for the most part, I don't get it about my size but for other things. My general course of action when I catch people staring is to stare right back with a "WTF you looking at?" look. While I am not tall, I still have that football linebacker look and I can still look rather mean to the uninitiated. Usually, people become uncomfortable after a few seconds and look away. I tend to be somewhat passive agressive in these situations and make a comment or two. Funny story: Once, some old jackass was sitting in a restaurant with his family and made a comment about me and the girl I was dating being "an abomination". I suppose he didn't like that I was with a rather attractive, curvy gal of another race. And kept making these comments under his breath. Finally fed up, I stared at him and did not remove my gaze until he understood I was displeased with his words. At the end of the meal, we had to walk past his table. I took a couple steps past their table and then came back, looked him square in the eyes and said, "I bet you don't even know how to spell abomination". As I stood at the register paying for our meal, I could hear him spelling it out to his kids, "a-b-o-m-e-n-a-s-h-u-n". I cracked right the hell up!



OMG! Are you serious? lol he spelled it like that? OMFG, i cannot believe an idiot actually displayed that he was an idiot! ahahaha! of course you and your lady already knew that. Bottom line, you stood up for yourself and that is absolutely wonderful.


----------



## da3ley (Jun 28, 2018)

Tracyarts said:


> I almost never have had people approach me and say something to me directly. I think it's because of how I carry myself and my physical presence.
> 
> I'm 6' in everyday shoes, keep my head up and my shoulders back, and stand in a loose "ready to move" stance with both arms free (crossbody bags only). I don't avoid eye contact, but don't maintain it with strangers. I scan my surroundings, move with purpose, and keep a neutral in control look on my face.
> 
> ...



I LOVE THIS!


----------



## loopytheone (Jun 29, 2018)

I admit, I find big, powerful tall women that aren't afraid of anything so amazing. <3 

I'm 5'2 and about as intimidating as a peach.


----------



## BigElectricKat (Jul 4, 2018)

loopytheone said:


> I admit, I find big, powerful tall women that aren't afraid of anything so amazing. <3
> 
> I'm 5'2 and about as intimidating as a peach.


I agree. There is something about a big, tall, confident woman that is so appealing. First of all, confidence is attractive, right off the bat. No matter what size you are. I have met very tall women who were not overly confident and sometimes rather self conscious about their height. I think even that is cute to a degree.


----------



## landshark (Jul 15, 2018)

Yesterday we were at the checkout line in Costco and my daughter, almost 12, heard a girl, 14 or 15, tell her friends/sisters “look at that fat lady.” Daughter followed their gaze to her mom and got really mad. 

When she told me about it I just said to remeber how upset it makes her and to never use a person’s physical characteristics as a reason to be mean to them. I’m guessing as she gets older and more self aware she’ll pick up on this stuff more and more. She’s pretty athletic but she has a couple friends who are not and of course her mom and she’s about to learn just how brutal people can be to people, especially girls and women, if they are plus sized.


----------



## Tad (Jul 15, 2018)

Well handled, I think, HM.


----------



## LifelongFA (Jul 16, 2018)

happily_married said:


> Yesterday we were at the checkout line in Costco and my daughter, almost 12, heard a girl, 14 or 15, tell her friends/sisters “look at that fat lady.” Daughter followed their gaze to her mom and got really mad.
> 
> When she told me about it I just said to remeber how upset it makes her and to never use a person’s physical characteristics as a reason to be mean to them. I’m guessing as she gets older and more self aware she’ll pick up on this stuff more and more. She’s pretty athletic but she has a couple friends who are not and of course her mom and she’s about to learn just how brutal people can be to people, especially girls and women, if they are plus sized.



I know this situation very well myself. I think you explained it well. The reality is that it is important for your children to see you have their mom's back, and that a family sticks together and supports each other in a positive way regardless.


----------

