# Desperate for help, no idea what to do in 2015.



## iGram (Dec 31, 2014)

Hello,

Let me start by wishing everybody a very Happy New Year. 

I am from India so English is not my first language. However, I will try to write the best I can. 

I found this forum through google and have lurked for a while. I never bothered signing up because all you lovely people are from west and our thinking, culture, take on life, etc is very different. I always assumed we would never understand each other. So why I am posting today? Well read on.

Its 6AM here, 1st Jan 2015 and I had nowhere to go tonight. Most of my friends are married and they are all having couple parties. My single friends have managed to get a date for tonight and are doing their own. I don't have too many friends to begin with but I never thought a day would come where I would need to sit at home during NYE. 

My name is Neha. I am 27yo 5"2. I checked my weight some 6-8 months back and it was 115kgs (around 250lbs). I am sure I have gained a lot since then. 


My list of problems is endless. Now I have never been to west but my weight is extremely huge for India. You don't see a girl weighing so much normally. Wherever I go I am being made fun of. My life has becomes office-home-office-home. I only go out during special occasions or when I am feeling super confident and happy. I feel so low so often that I lock my room and cry for hours. I have a younger brother who loves me but I can see that he gets embarrassed sometimes when he is out with me. I can't really blame him because when people here sees a boy and girl alone they assume they are GFs and BFs. Because of this I haven't gone anywhere with my brother for couple of months. 

When 2014 began, I made a vow to lose weight. My dad supported me completely. He hired a consultant for me who was supposed to meet me every morning and plan out my food and workout routine and take previous day's feedback. He got me to start slow and just asked to go for a morning walk for 20 mins. First day I was super pumped, I got up before time, got ready and went to the park. Within 5mins I was made to feel horrible. I could sense all eyes were looking at me and people laughing. I just went to my two wheeler, returned home and cried. I was feeling so low that I knew I couldn't start the diet today. Similar story the next day. On 3rd day the consultant got mad at me and strictly told me to follow my diet. I started telling lies that I am following, but I kept sneaking food inside my bedroom. This went on for a week and when we did a weigh-in I had gained. He knew this wasn't possible. Long story short, he gave up on me because he said his reputation is at stake. 

My life was going horrible. I will explain later as to why. I knew loosing weight had become a necessity and something had to be done. My dad was extremely worried and seeked help from his boss. His boss recommended a fat camp kind of place. We here in India call it naturopathy. When I saw the charges, I knew no way my dad can afford this place. A week there would mean monthly salary of my dad. Still my dad encouraged me to go. I knew I would need at least a month there before anything good can happen but one month would mean a lot of money. My dad broke his Fixed Deposit to pay for it. I read many reviews and called a girl who had been there. She told me the place is amazing and extremely obese people come so there is nothing to worry about. She had lost 12kgs in 3 weeks. I was once again super pumped and all excited to go there. When I reached it was a different story. Within 2 days I was kept in fasting. All the positive energy was sucked out of me. By 4th day I wasn't able to walk properly or had energy to do anything. I stopped going to yoga classes, walk and swimming. The doctor who was handling my case called me and demanded an explanation. He said if you stay in the room then there will be no benefits. They examined me and everything seemed fine. They kept on telling me its my mental strength which was weak. On day 6th I had enough. I called my dad and cried like crazy. My dad couldn't bare it and called me back. I had initially book for 30 days but stayed only 7. However I had to pay for 10 days because of their policy. 

When I returned I had lost all hope in weight reduction. I forgot about it for a month. Then one day I had to go to a party and realised none of my party clothes fit me anymore. I ended up staying home and crying. I once again decided I need to do something. I approached my neighbour and asked her if she can take me to gym with her. I thought if I have a company I might get guts to do something. She immediately agreed and even offered to work out with me. This plan however didn't work out as well. Her workout routine was very intense and I wasn't able to match it. She ran on treadmill for 30 mins whereas I wasn't even able to walk for 10. She was a hard motivator and made me feel horrible in front of everybody. I even confronted her but she always kept saying that I need mental strength. So 2014 ended and resulted in me gaining more and more weight.

Now you may be wondering why loosing weight was so important to me? The answer is Marriage. Our Indian society is completely different from west. If a girl doesnt get married by age of 25-26 then people starts to think something is wrong with the girl. We also do arrange marriages here. If a father can't get his daughter married then he is considered as a bad parent and is ridiculed in the society. My dad is searching for a groom since 3 years and I am getting rejected from everywhere. Most of my skinny friends or people I know have easily got a suitor. 90% of guys reject me after seeing my photos. Few guys have come to see me but they always send a rejection mail or call after the meeting. I have lowered my expectations a lot and still can't find anyone. I don't dream of a prince charming. I don't dream of a tall, dark, handsome man. All I dream is of a man who will treat me nicely and don't cause trouble after marriage. 

My father has become utterly depressed. I have caught him crying couple of times. I don't have a mother since age of 7. My brother is also trying hard to find a match for me. If a guy shows interest then he demands a lot of dowry which we can't give. My best friend got married to a software engineer from Australia one and half years back. I have become very lonely after she migrated there. There are so many days when I don't have anyone to talk to. 

Now as I see today, I have two options-

1) Lose weight- Be firm. I forget what people think of me and go out and exercise. I keep strict check on my diet and welcome 2016 as a new me. 

2) Change thinking- I know at my current weight I will never get a groom. Once I cross 30 it will become impossible. I could try to change my thinking, try becoming more social, accept who I am and try to get a boyfriend. I have never heard of a fat admirer in India. I am even thinking to apply on one of those dating sites and see if I can attract anybody. 

Thanks a lot for reading my story. I am feeling little better after sharing it with someone after such a long time. I think I can being a journey of new me from today.


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## loopytheone (Jan 1, 2015)

Hey there.

I would really like to be able to offer good advice for your situation but as you mentioned, there are a lot of cultural differences that mean I am not really sure how applicable any advice from me would be. But I can give you some general advice.

Firstly, you don't deserve to feel so horrible about yourself and so alone. It is heartbreaking to see that. Although it is difficult you have to try and make a step every day into loving yourself as a person. And that includes your body as well as your mind. I mean no offence saying this, but it seems from your descriptions of the things you have been through that you don't have much physical stamina either. Although it can be hard it might be worth working on this as something independent to your weight. Try and keep your body as strong and healthy as you can and it can make you more confident and lower feelings of depression even if don't lose weight doing it. I have social phobia so I know that it can be really difficult to go outside and feel like everyone is staring and laughing, but trying to go for a short walk every day and praising yourself when you manage it could really help. 

Also, you aren't at all that big by english/american standards, if that helps at all. Have you thought about taking a year abroad somewhere and getting to know a different culture? Sorry if this isn't appropriate/helpful but I think it is worth considering.

Wishing you all the best for the future!


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## lucca23v2 (Jan 1, 2015)

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. No one should be made to feel as less than because of their weight.

My advice as far as exercise and weight loss. First make sure you are doing this because you want to. If it is not something you want to do, it will be extremely hard to lose the weight. Set small goals. Say to yourself, I will walk for 10 minutes today. Once you get use to walking for 10 minutes and it because easy, then say today I will walk for 15 minutes.... do the same thing with weight. Say I will lose 5 lbs in 3 months. Start slow.. once you have lost it, then you know you can do another 5...in 3 months.. then after that change it to 10 lbs in 5 months... slow and steady wins the race.

As to the marriage situation, just a thought, as your father might get ridiculed for having an unmarried daughter, maybe a man can be ridiculed for having a heavy wife. It might not always be that there are not any fat admirers in India, it might just be something they find hard to show because they know they will be ridiculed. It is not an excuse but a possible explanation. I know there are a few fat admirers in India. I have had a few of them ask me out and they are not here in America, they are in India.

Good luck.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jan 1, 2015)

Loopy and Lucca have given you good advice; I second everything they've said (I know there are FA's from India; I roomed with one in college). I would like to add a few thoughts, though, on the subject of unhappiness and desperation.

Your unhappiness is not caused by your situation; it is caused by your attempts to _control_ your situation. In the past, you have tried to control your body. You have discovered that this doesn't work. If we could control our bodies, no one would ever get sick, would they? I think your better option is to change your thinking, and to begin by realizing how much you have to offer. The more you learn to respect and love yourself, the more confident you will become, and there is nobody more attractive than a confident woman (or man). Confidence has a beauty all its own. And as you become more confident, you will realize how many good things there are in your life, and you will feel gratitude and happiness for what you have already, regardless of whether or not you are sharing them with a man at the time. And when the time is right, there will be a man, and the man will be right, and you will both know it.

I wish you happiness.


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## iGram (Jan 1, 2015)

Thank you all for your support and wonderful advice. 



loopytheone said:


> Hey there.
> 
> I would really like to be able to offer good advice for your situation but as you mentioned, there are a lot of cultural differences that mean I am not really sure how applicable any advice from me would be. But I can give you some general advice.
> 
> ...



You are right. I don't have much physical and mental stamina. I also get hurt and embarrassed very easily. I hate mentioning this again and again when people are trying to help me but I can't help it. I know mental strength is my biggest weakness.

I have been able to hold to my current job because of my boss. He is awesome and has issued a strict warning in office that if someone is caught making fun of my weight then he will be immediately fired. That is why I feel very comfortable in office and at home. Take me out of my comfort zone and I will begin sweating.

As for year abroad, I have evaluated this option seriously. The problem is money. We are simple middle class people and can't afford it. My dad has saved up for my marriage and I can use that money but then I would need to settle abroad and don't come back. In India in most of the cases daughter's father has to bear full marriage expenses and give a lot of gifts to the groom. Those men who don't reject me asks for way too many gifts that we can't afford. We have saved up for jewellery, car, air conditioner, tv and few other things but seeing me the demand goes up a lot. If I was skinny then none of this problems would have come. Money saved up by my dad would have been more than enough to get me married. 

I have evaluated option on settling abroad but its very difficult. I have a small data entry accountant kind of job which holds no value anywhere in the world. 



lucca23v2 said:


> I am sorry you are having a difficult time. No one should be made to feel as less than because of their weight.
> 
> My advice as far as exercise and weight loss. First make sure you are doing this because you want to. If it is not something you want to do, it will be extremely hard to lose the weight. Set small goals. Say to yourself, I will walk for 10 minutes today. Once you get use to walking for 10 minutes and it because easy, then say today I will walk for 15 minutes.... do the same thing with weight. Say I will lose 5 lbs in 3 months. Start slow.. once you have lost it, then you know you can do another 5...in 3 months.. then after that change it to 10 lbs in 5 months... slow and steady wins the race.
> 
> ...



Fantastic suggestion of setting small goals. I saw an ad on todays newspaper of a man offering private home yoga classes. This means he will come to my place and teach me yoga for 45mins daily. I called him for interview today and noticed he was smiling throughout the interview. It was obviously due to my weight. But he promised he can help me and we are starting classes from next monday. This time I have decided to not give up. Even if the tutor laughs at my face and makes fun of me I will continue. I have to build up the courage and I am getting an opportunity to face it at comfort of my home. 

Yes, you are right. A man becomes a joke amongst his friends if he brings an fat wife. If the wife is rich then no one questions or make fun of. Its all about money. Wife gaining weight after marriage is very common here. You see a lot of fat ladies in market but they are ignored because of their age. People like to pick on young ones mainly. 




Dr. Feelgood said:


> Loopy and Lucca have given you good advice; I second everything they've said (I know there are FA's from India; I roomed with one in college). I would like to add a few thoughts, though, on the subject of unhappiness and desperation.
> 
> Your unhappiness is not caused by your situation; it is caused by your attempts to _control_ your situation. In the past, you have tried to control your body. You have discovered that this doesn't work. If we could control our bodies, no one would ever get sick, would they? I think your better option is to change your thinking, and to begin by realizing how much you have to offer. The more you learn to respect and love yourself, the more confident you will become, and there is nobody more attractive than a confident woman (or man). Confidence has a beauty all its own. And as you become more confident, you will realize how many good things there are in your life, and you will feel gratitude and happiness for what you have already, regardless of whether or not you are sharing them with a man at the time. And when the time is right, there will be a man, and the man will be right, and you will both know it.
> 
> I wish you happiness.




Thank you for the sweet words. 

As an Indian daughter, it is my prime responsibility to think of family before me. As for my dad, its his prime responsibility to think about me first, my brother second and him 3rd. Thats how it is defined in Indian society. You will never find a younger brother getting married before his elder sister. In many families even younger sister is made to marry first before his elder brother. This is our society and we are part of it. I won't exactly go on saying I hate it but I know a lot of things aren't right. 
Everywhere my dad goes he is questioned about my marriage. Everywhere I go I am asked when I am getting married. Everybody knows my problem yet they keep on asking why is it taking so much time. Our relatives are also not a big help either. My dad's sister visits us once a month and she keeps on taunting me on how I am becoming more and more burden on my family. I hate even seeing her but as she is elder I have to show utmost respect. 
My brother has a GF who he wants to get married with but doesn't want to introduce her to my dad before I get married. I know it will be an year or two before the GF's parents would want her to get married and won't wait any longer. I sometimes feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb. 
Worst case scenario that could happen is my dad sell our house to arrange for extra money for dowry. I can sense he thinks about it all the time. 

I sometimes feel like there is so much time that I wasted. I could have seriously started reducing when I reached 100kgs. But whats gone is gone. I have seriously decided to go on a diet from Monday and set short term goals and find a suitor this year. 

I will stick around. 

Once again, I thank everybody taking time to reply. Lots of love.


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## phelan4022 (Jan 15, 2015)

I know there are cultural differences, I have had a few teachers from India and your culture fascinates me. However, even if your focus is on your family and getting married, I don't think you're going to be able to do that if you feel terrible about yourself. Just for one day, try doing the things you need to do to lose weight or feel better, but do them for you. Don't think, if you are exercising, I'm doing this to get a good husband, think, I'm doing this to feel good. If you can get to a place where you feel confident, even if you are still heavier, you will have far better chances in the dating world. I'm sure that even in India, a man would prefer to date someone smiling and happy rather than someone unhappy that isn't comfortable with herself. Ultimately, while you are trying to be married for social reasons and for your family, it is the rest of your life you are looking to plan with someone and you should be happy so that you can in turn be happy with your husband.

Someone mentioned small goals. 100% yes. Achieving small goals, like walking for 10 minutes twice a week, will build up your confidence. The issues a lot of people face going into a lifestyle change are largely ones of setting overambitious goals. Don't go into it thinking you want to lose 50 lbs and run a marathon. Set little, achievable goals and gradually make those goals bigger. Don't put a time limit on this either, don't try to do it in a month or six months. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Just start doing a little something good for yourself, like walking, and add a little to it as you get to be better at it. I lost weight down from 310 lbs to 180 lbs and I didn't go to a camp or go on a crazy diet or have a trainer or get a surgery. I just started, slowly, being more active and eating healthier. You can do it and, when you are happy with yourself, you'll be sure to find someone to be happy with for the rest of your life. I wish you the best of luck.


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## iGram (Feb 20, 2015)

Hello,

I thought to post few updates. Life hasn't been good at all lately. My resolution lasted for exactly 10 days before I said to myself lets have a cheat day. I never go to start the diet again as all the motivation was in "tomorrow". Not whining, just saying what happened. 

As for marriage, we have been cheated by a family. A distant relative called us and said he has a guy in mind and he might be interested. I wasn't shown any photo and when the guy came he was nothing great to look at and spoke like no english. I told him I work for a company and it didn't go down well with him. He said after marriage I would need to quit immediately because he can't have wives earning. I didn't like him at all and even told my father but these guys at least showed some serious interest. My father got little angry and said that I need to learn how to adjust. 

The guy's family called my father and said that he should show some commitment as well, so they need something as a token. My father gifted them a LED Tv after consulting with my relative. Their family called and were pretty pissed. They said they are not beggars and are insulted by such a small gift. My dad asked them what they wanted and they demanded gold. My father said he will give them if they do the engagement. They were caught off guard and said they will come to discuss in person. 

When they came it was a lot of drama. First they tried to convince my dad that they are true to their word and need gold to ensure we won't cheat them later. My father sensed that these guys are fraud and will say no after receiving the gold. So he politely asked them to leave. They got pretty angry and insulted me, calling me a cow, calling my dad dog and so on. Finally the neighbours got involved and got them to leave. 

We lost about Rs. 65000 ($1000) which is huge for us. I was at least satisfied that I didn't marry that horrible person.

Right now my only comfort is my boss, work and food. But I hate seeing my father in the current state he is. I have signed up on a site where Indian girls can meet other Indians living in abroad for marriage. A 43yo divorced guy from UK has shown some interest in me. If he actually flys down to meet me and turn out to be a nice genuine person then I won't mind the age at all.


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## Tad (Feb 20, 2015)

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation, and my heart really goes out to you. It is hard for me, coming from a much more individualistic culture, to imagine what pressure you must be under.

I’m curious, do essentially all women end up being married? In most western cultures, in older times where things were more family oriented, there was always some men and women who didn’t marry, and there were usually ways to kind of take them off the marriage market to clear things up. Is there no way in your culture to get around the imperative to marry the children in a certain order?

I do understand that you may want to get married, but I wonder if there isn’t a way to take you out of the local marriage market and letting you find your own way more? That maybe it would be less stressful on you than the current situation?


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## iGram (Feb 20, 2015)

Tad said:


> It sounds like you are in a difficult situation, and my heart really goes out to you. It is hard for me, coming from a much more individualistic culture, to imagine what pressure you must be under.
> 
> Im curious, do essentially all women end up being married? In most western cultures, in older times where things were more family oriented, there was always some men and women who didnt marry, and there were usually ways to kind of take them off the marriage market to clear things up. Is there no way in your culture to get around the imperative to marry the children in a certain order?
> 
> I do understand that you may want to get married, but I wonder if there isnt a way to take you out of the local marriage market and letting you find your own way more? That maybe it would be less stressful on you than the current situation?



Ted your question is very genuine. My answer is limited to my knowledge but I think I won't be too off from the real thing.

Right now I would say India is very diverse even in thinking. I won't go into history but will talk about the current situation and different class (which will give you a fair idea) of people in our age

*Extremely Rich*: Mostly these are the guys born in 1990s and are living life of kings. Their parents have accumulated a kind of wealth which could see through their 7 generations. They know and it and will live life like there is no tomorrow. Party constantly, foreign trips 4-5times a year, expensive cars, luxuries brands, etc etc etc. They will usually have GFs and BFs and will be sexually active with multiple partners. You can say they follow the western culture. But when it comes to marriage a lot will depend on their parents. If their parents are open minded then they will get married with a girl of their own choice no matter caste, religion, status, etc. But if the parent is conservative then they will search for a bride/ groom of their own status. Usually a son or daughter won't revolt much because they know without their parents they are nothing. One of my classmates came from a very simple family but was very good looking. She married a multi-millionaire's son. The money spent on her wedding was more than her parents ever earned in their whole life. 

*Upper Middle class working*: Mostly born in late 1980s and early 1990s. These people have created their own identity. They live in metro areas like Mumbai, Delhi and their thinking is along the western culture line. They will work extremely hard for 5 days will party like crazy on the weekend. Their salaries will be good. These people believe in living their life and will have GFs and BFs. When it comes to marriage because they are independent they won't have much pressure from family. So marriage will be with a person mostly of their choice and at a age they want. Their friends won't judge them and its pretty much like in west.

*Middle Class*: I fall in this category. We are not too ambitious and thats why never could progress to a good job or created our own identity. We are another face in the crowd who earn to ease off some financial pressure of parents and to pass time. Our ambition is to get married so we live the life by the books. Thats is get married at 25, have kids at 27-28. Another kid at 30. Cook, take care of husband, take care of husband's parents, take care of children, support the family fully. Be grateful for our life. Our enjoyment time comes when the son gets married and bring a wife. Then its time to be on the relaxing side. Marriage for us can be GF/BF and arranged. Usually as there are a lot of people in this category getting married isn't difficult if your father has accumulated a decent amount of dowry. But say a girl is disabled, morbidly obese, have some sort of disease then it becomes very difficult. Society doesn't show any pity on the girl and will constantly harass the dad to get her daughter married. 
A woman that doesn't get married is extremely looked down upon and people starts to distance themselves. The big question comes whats wrong with their family? Say if I don't get married and its my brothers turn, everybody will question why I am single? Ultimately it will bring shame on us. Life is full of compromises and this is one of the big one. 

If we give up now and once I turn 30 then even if I become slim it will be very difficult to find someone. My father would need to amass a lot of wealth to get me married. 

I am no way a selfish person. I am not even picky. I am willing to adjust and even compromise. When the question comes of finding a GF, it becomes a girls market. Girls can be extremely picky as they will have guys cashing them like crazy. But when it comes to marriage it suddenly becomes a boys market. A decent looking boy with a good income will have proposals pouring in from left right and centre.


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## Yakatori (Feb 20, 2015)

iGram said:


> "_...Life is full of compromises and this is one of the big one....I am no way a selfish person. I am not even picky..._"


That's not what any of this is about. You just have to get real about your situation. Figure out what it is you really want. And take ownership for what direction it all takes.

The type of guy who you can just marry and then, by that, everything will just magically take care of itself is not just going to fall out of the sky. 

Moreover, he does not exist. In India, America, or anywhere in the rest of the world.

Life is very fragile. Things cans look absolutely perfect, for you, your friends, other people you observe from afar. And then, all of sudden, it all just gets completely turned upside-down. Your family could put all kinds of money into a dowry for some guy you're not that into and he just, all of a sudden, dies. Then what?

Yes, traditions matter. Certainly, _it does *matter*_ what people think. What they say. It *matters*. But, ultimately, it's not like they're going to pay your bills, support you or your parents.

So, what *matters-more* is what you, personally, want to do with your own life. And what you're prepared to work towards; win, lose, or draw.

If you don't want to marry a guy that won't accept your working, or trying to further develop your skills, or if you don't want to have, like, more than 1 or 2 kids, then you need to tell this to both your brother and father directly. In fact, it's probably best if you can come with a fairly concrete list of precisely what it is you want, who you are interested in meeting, with explicit mention of deal-breakers. And be 100% clear in your resolve that you would prefer to remain unmarried forever in lieu of compromising on whatever these criteria might be (e.g age, drinking/drug use, health, social values, etc...) 

And also, to tell your father to stop crying & catastrophizing. Yes, I realize that being dramatic is....part of the whole deal. But, the more & better you telegraph your own confidence and self-assuredness in what it is you want and what's best for you, the less he will feel so directly responsible for things as they are to where he ends up making completely foolish decisions just in order to reverse what doesn't really need fixing anyway.

You are not the first, only, or last person in the world to be dealing or facing with the pressures you're under. Which are all too real. But you have all of the choice in world in terms of the attitude you bring into it, how to respond.

Your weight is NOT the problem. Yes, by all means, try to eat better, exercise, pursue your own health, etc... But stop letting this distract you from the real issue: your own ambivalence. 

That is, you can gain or lose weight. (And do so many times over, as you need to confront the reality that you will probably still be fat, indefinitely, and for the remainder of your life) But that's not really going to solve the problem of who's really in the driver seat here, right?

Also, if you can't afford to actually study abroad, and if you don't yet have any suitors lines up, why not at least try to work towards saving up for something of a holiday to see your friend in Australia? If she's already had a child, she could probably use some extra hands & company as well. I think, maybe, just being in a different environment, getting outside of your usual, everyday circumstances for a few weeks might just change your whole perspective on this.


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## ReneeD70 (Mar 15, 2015)

Your story breaks my heart. I wish I could do more but all I can offer is support
and friendship. I have no advice since your culture is so different than my own,
however I know how you feel when all eyes seems to be on you and not in a good
way. 
Be well, my friend!


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## iGram (Mar 24, 2015)

I have some good news. I m trying not to get too excited but its something positive that has happened to me after a long time.

I got someone interested in me on the wedding website where I listed my profile. The guy first chatted with me then we exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone for couple of days. He didn't list his profile properly so I had no idea how he looks. He said he wants to meet me before he can talk with his parents. He said he will get his best friend along because he trusts his judgement. I was little worried meeting 2 guys on my own but my father encouraged me to take a chance. My brother offered to tag long but I wanted to show that I am confident so I declined.

Well we met at a decent restaurant, nothing fancy. The guy was little overweight and very average looking. His friend was kind of like him. But both of them were extremely sweet and tried to make me comfortable. He discussed everything in detail and listened to what I want in a partner. Further he made it pretty clear that he belongs to a very average family and has a dead end job with not big future. He said he can't promise me cars, holidays, jewellery, etc but what he can promise me is a nice home and a good family. Thats all I want.

Not once he said anything about my weight. His friend asked me a lot of questions about my family and the life I lead. Some questions made me a little uncomfortable but those are necessary I felt. 

Finally I got a call from him the next day asking for my dad's number. Now his parents will call my dad so both the families can meet. I am really not sure what to expect. My dad is happy, so is my brother. I am feeling really positive. I just hope everything goes well.


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## MsBrightside (Mar 24, 2015)

iGram said:


> I have some good news. I m trying not to get too excited but its something positive that has happened to me after a long time.
> 
> I got someone interested in me on the wedding website where I listed my profile. The guy first chatted with me then we exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone for couple of days. He didn't list his profile properly so I had no idea how he looks. He said he wants to meet me before he can talk with his parents. He said he will get his best friend along because he trusts his judgement. I was little worried meeting 2 guys on my own but my father encouraged me to take a chance. My brother offered to tag long but I wanted to show that I am confident so I declined.
> 
> ...


It was courageous of you to meet two unfamiliar men alone and maintain your composure through that type of questioning. It must also be difficult to try to get to know someone in such a short period of time, but his willingness to listen to what you would like in a partner seems like a good sign.

Best of luck to you!


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## iGram (Mar 25, 2015)

MsBrightside said:


> It was courageous of you to meet two unfamiliar men alone and maintain your composure through that type of questioning. It must also be difficult to try to get to know someone in such a short period of time, but his willingness to listen to what you would like in a partner seems like a good sign.
> 
> Best of luck to you!



thank you very much. Yes its not typical to do things this way but it was a public place and the guy had clearly explained that he would like us to have first meeting before getting the parents involved. 

Yes the time is short but in case of arranged marriages it is sort of enough. I am speaking with him daily over the phone/ messages and he seems nice. Just praying for the best.


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## ecogeek (Mar 26, 2015)

iGram said:


> thank you very much. Yes its not typical to do things this way but it was a public place and the guy had clearly explained that he would like us to have first meeting before getting the parents involved.
> 
> Yes the time is short but in case of arranged marriages it is sort of enough. I am speaking with him daily over the phone/ messages and he seems nice. Just praying for the best.



I have been following this story. While I do not very well understand that sort of culture, I sure am happy that you have found an arrangement that may work out very well for you. All the best!


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## iGram (Mar 31, 2015)

Hello again,

The guy's father called my dad up to set a date for meeting. He said he has an older brother who takes all the family decisions. Indirectly they hinted that I should work to impress the groom's uncle. Groom's uncle lives in a different city so we had to wait for his arrival. Thats why it took so long for the meeting. 

Meanwhile I was speaking over the phone/ text with possible groom. I learnt about his family, his likes/ dislikes, expectations, etc etc etc. I honestly could see myself fitting in his family. I was feeling very positive.

Finally the day of the meeting came. My dad called one of our neighbour and his sister to help with he arrangements. I tried to dress my best, look decent and kept thinking only positive things. When the door bell rang I knew next couple of hours is probably the most important in my life. I sat inside the room waiting to be called. 15-20mins passed and my brother entered. It wasn't my turn yet to come outside. Basically my brother wanted to fill me in whats happening outside.

He said several people have come. More than we expected. The groom, both his parents, younger brother, groom's friend, older brother and his wife, one kid, some distant relative and finally the man of the hour- the groom's uncle. My brother said the family looks very kind and are basically enquiring about our family at this stage. So my dad was telling all about out history, our relatives and things like that. 

After another 15 mins I was called. I kept my eyes down as I entered the room and then politely greeted everybody. The groom smiled and first he introduced me to his mom. His mom immediately took charge and came to sit next to me. Then she introduced me to everybody in their family. When my eyes laid on his younger brother I was mesmerised. He was extremely handsome. It was difficult to keep eyes off him but I knew he would never go for someone like me. I thought to focus on why we are here so I tried to let him go from my mind. 

I sat for 5mins and nobody spoke with me anymore. The groom's uncle kept talking with my dad. After tea and snacks were consumed, the groom's uncle said if he can talk with me alone. I was extremely nervous. My dad obviously obliged and opened his room so we could go in. First the groom's uncle told me about him. He told me how every important decision is taken by him in the family and how groom's dad has complete faith on him. Then he said they don't go for the look so I shouldn't be worried about my weight. What matters to them is that the girl should be healthy so the baby is healthy. Next they have no problems with me working but if needed I should be ready to sacrifice work for my family. He kept on talking telling his expectations from me with some questions in between. After about 30-45 mins, he asked the groom's mother to join us. Now she started speaking. I didn't exactly get full positive vibes from her so I knew if they say yes I would need to work to impress her.

We finally came out and the lunch was served. After lunch, we all sat again to resume talking. The groom's uncle once again took charge and did whole talking till they left. He gave us straight. They don't want any dowry. If dad wants to give any gifts then its completely fine. But the whole wedding expenses will have to be borne by my dad. This is how it has always happened in their family. He said he liked me and think the groom would be very happy with me. But (there is always a but) I am not his #1 choice. They are speaking with another family and the girl in that family is his first choice. I was extremely hurt when he said that. So it means I am just a back-up in case Plan A fails. 

When they left my father told me I should stay positive as they haven't said no yet. My father was pretty sure that this will be it. I spoke to groom about this and he said the final decision is not his but his uncle's. I indirectly asked about his younger brother but came to know that he has a GF (no surprise).

Yesterday we got a call from them that they are going with the other family. The groom sent an apology text, wished me luck and then blocked me. 

Even though it hurts, it was nice to come close. Its still much better than direct rejection. My dad too saw it this way and he actually had a smile saying "I can feel now that it will happen soon".


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## Durin (Apr 24, 2015)

Hoping there is a good resolution to this. 

I don`t get how your culture works but I am fascinated by this story. 

Often who we are on the inside determines what happens on the outside. I think you need to get in touch with what makes you fulfilled and a strong spirit. 

That is attractive in and of itself. Character and intelligence always is.


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## Yakatori (Apr 25, 2015)

Guys, 

I just wanted to quickly relate that I think this thread/OP is a fake. I have to admit that I knew from well before now. Actually, from before when I last posted. And I was already in the process of writing a much longer, more involved post than this explaining my reasons for treating it otherwise as such, but just never really got around to finishing it.

Maybe I will come back to it in a bit.

But I just didn't want to let it continue too, too much further without...


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## supersizebbw (Apr 26, 2015)

Yakatori said:


> Guys,
> 
> I just wanted to quickly relate that I think this thread/OP is a fake. I have to admit that I knew from well before now. Actually, from before when I last posted. And I was already in the process of writing a much longer, more involved post than this explaining my reasons for treating it otherwise as such, but just never really got around to finishing it.
> 
> ...



Out of curiosity, why would you think so Yakatori?


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## Yakatori (Apr 27, 2015)

Its that the story makes such perfect sense. But only as a total fabrication designed to pull at a _westerners_ romanticized view of the developing world. IRL, a woman in that situation; and the situation itself is real-enough; wouldnt be relating it in quite this way, from this point of view given, just as a man like shes trying to describe would not respond in the way shes telling us he did:



iGram said:


> "_*When my eyes laid on his younger brother I was mesmerised. He was extremely handsome. It was difficult to keep eyes off him but I knew he would never go for someone like me. I thought to focus on why we are here so I tried to let him go from my mind.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



And so, for me, and just as in Hyde Park or any of a number of places where I respond to different things at some length, theres a level on which its really more the ideas or concept or situation (as an abstraction, I guess) that Im responding to. Like, in this case, I can at least imagine how such a person (as described in the OP, not the individual who actually wrote it) might come across a thread like this and thats about as much as Id want to say to them. That, maybe, I feel like I need to say? Just in as much as Im imagining it, of course. And so, to some degree, I dont really even enter into the reality of it, just whos on the other end of the screen. 

This also relates to my approach in that other thread; the one where *LeoGibson* was pointing out about how he (too) had begun to notice some common and recurring elements in terms of a particular writing style in more than a few of these creep/troll-threads. And I was actually about to elaborate on it further there; when (admittedly-after my flagging) it suddenly disappeared.


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## Tad (Apr 27, 2015)

For what it is worth, the IP addresses used during registration by iGram and all the IP addresses used when she has logged in belong to an Indian internet company, and are not being used by any other posters. Granted, a skilled internet user may be able to spoof that, but it would be a challenge. (and it is normal with many/most internet providers that your device does not have the same IP address each time you log on).

This isn't proof that she is who she says she is, but it is at least suggestive enough that I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, how many of us seem a little unlikely if you look closely enough? lol


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## iGram (Apr 27, 2015)

@@Yakatori, I still don't get it how exactly are you trying to prove. If you read my first sentence in introduction, I said english isn't my first language. 

If people here feel my story is fake then please delete this thread and ban my account. I haven't posted in a while because there is nothing new to post.

I don't want to prove anything to anybody. 

Those who think its real then thank you for your genuine wishes. Goodbye


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## supersizebbw (Apr 27, 2015)

iGram said:


> @@Yakatori, I still don't get it how exactly are you trying to prove. If you read my first sentence in introduction, I said english isn't my first language.
> 
> If people here feel my story is fake then please delete this thread and ban my account. I haven't posted in a while because there is nothing new to post.
> 
> ...



@iGram, i don't think it was Yakatori's intention to accuse you falsely. Recently there have been quite afew "imposters" on the forum so some people have been wary of some of the new subscribers.

As you have read from all the responses above everyone has been very encouraging and keeps wishing you well with the current situation you are in. Please don't feel the need to leave.

Personally, I think your story has been a good eye opener to many on the existence of different cultures and ways of life across different continents.


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## Yakatori (Apr 27, 2015)

Although, of course, if we're still being totally honest, then of course I know (for a fact) how it seems to me on a purely intuitively level.



Tad said:


> "_...at least suggestive enough that I prefer to give her *the benefit of the doubt.* After all, how many of us seem a little unlikely if you look closely enough? lol_"


And that's exactly what I'm saying.

That's why I (originally) responded as I did. And, even on a broader level, with respect to other contexts (e.g Hyde Park), why I respond as I do to the type of posts & threads that leave others scratching their heads.

Because, even as *superodalique* & *monique* are perfectly fair to lament the problem of _catfishing_ other such concerns; for me, there's a level on which each post or piece of writing has a certain reality to it. Like a thing unto itself. And that it necessarily reflects something which, on some level, is, itself, real-enough to me.


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## seaturtle71 (Nov 3, 2015)

Good luck.


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