# "The fear"



## Emma (May 22, 2007)

"The fear" How to explain 'the fear' in a way that sounds sane?

After spending many years listening/reading things that say you're about to collapse and die how do you cope?

Do you get 'the fear'? I certainly do. I worry most nights that when I go to sleep I won't wake up due to my "morbid obesity". I know there has been bigger people than me that have lived long and healthy lives and I know there will be many more..

But how do YOU deal with the mental aspect of being overweight?


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## fatlane (May 22, 2007)

I buy bigger pants.


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## Emma (May 22, 2007)

fatlane said:


> I buy bigger pants.



I know your "humour" is enjoyed by many but does it really belong on the heath board?

Nevermind, I won't ask things again if this is how my questions are going to be treated.


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## kerrypop (May 22, 2007)

I totally worry about things like this- Every little weird pain is something that I'm like OMG- I could be dying. Mostly I just don't think about it, and try to eat fruits and vegetables. One of my major concerns is osteoperosis- as my Grandmothers on both sides have it, and I already have arthritis. I know that I didn't drink enough milk/get enough calcium as a teen, and since I'm a heavy girl It really frightens me as to what could happen to a brittle boned chubby lady. 

Do I deal with it? not really, right now I have SO much other stuff going on, (wedding, graduation, grad school, lack of job next year, etc) I usually just find some other stressor to occupy that part of my brain that constantly worries about something.


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## AnnMarie (May 22, 2007)

fatlane said:


> I buy bigger pants.





CurvyEm said:


> I know your "humour" is enjoyed by many but does it really belong on the heath board?
> 
> Nevermind, I won't ask things again if this is how my questions are going to be treated.



I have two completely equal schools of thought on this. 

1) There's a time and place for everything.

2) Sometimes you need to lighten up.


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## Emma (May 22, 2007)

Yes I should lighten up. But I asked something that has bothered me for a long time. I only asked because the health board is now here. Maybe I should not be bothered?, but I've just asked something that has bothered me for YEARS..


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## AnnMarie (May 22, 2007)

CurvyEm said:


> Yes I should lighten up. But I asked something that has bothered me for a long time. I only asked because the health board is now here. Maybe I should not be bothered?, but I've just asked something that has bothered me for YEARS..



And I think it's totally fine, Em. It's a really good question, and I think you'll get a lot of sincere replies. The timing of his was especially bad because it was first and you probably thought "Great, I'm not being taken seriously at all." But, Kerry has now responded and I think you'll find more coming in. 

No worries, it's a good post... just give it a little time.


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## SamanthaNY (May 22, 2007)

It's a serious source of stress for a lot of us, I think - particularly in more recent years with the 'obesity epidemic' crap in the news every 5 minutes. 

It helps to try and live a good life, do the right things for your health and body, etc. That eases a lot of the worry for me.


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## Brenda (May 22, 2007)

"""The fear" How to explain 'the fear' in a way that sounds sane?

After spending many years listening/reading things that say you're about to collapse and die how do you cope?

Do you get 'the fear'? I certainly do. I worry most nights that when I go to sleep I won't wake up due to my "morbid obesity". I know there has been bigger people than me that have lived long and healthy lives and I know there will be many more..

But how do YOU deal with the mental aspect of being overweight?""

Not well actually. I have known too many fat people who lost their health or their life's at a young age not to be afraid. Of course the worrying isn't doing me any good either.

Brenda


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## Sandie_Zitkus (May 22, 2007)

Oh Em do I understand this fear. And it was very brave of you to post this. I think a lot of times we as fat people don't want to admit to the fear. I have it - and I really have no idea how to deal with it. It has been drilled into my head since I was a little girl - "You're gonna die younge if you don't lose weight." So I believed it. When I was in my 20's I was told I'd never see 30. When I was in my 30's I was told I'd never see 40 and now at 47 I'm finally starting to realize I need to stop listening to others.  

Fact is Em, none of us know how long we have. Young healthy (or so they say) atheletes drop dead on the playing field, yet my fat/diabetic mother is 72. 

Be as healthy as you can and enjoy every day - that's really all any of us can do.


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## SocialbFly (May 23, 2007)

i have thought about posting this same question before, and i always get sidetracked....

great post btw....

yes, i have had that fear...my mom used to say ALLLLLL the time, keep eating like that and you will die by 20...then by 25...then by 30...on and on....sometimes in my young life, wanted to die, but that is a whole other post....

you know what put in into perspective?>?? i have had friends...normal size friends die...at 28, at 44, at 48...and many ages in between...car accidents, cancer...heart attacks...you get the pic...

i decided to stop waiting to die, and start living...and i havent stopped since...every once in a while when it is very quiet, i wonder if this is the day my fatness gets me...and i decide...nope...i have a life to live, ihave a job to do, and i havent been laid in forever...i need to take care of that first...

again...good question...


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## Suze (May 23, 2007)

SocialbFly said:


> i have thought about posting this same question before, and i always get sidetracked....
> 
> great post btw....
> 
> ...



good answer!


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## BeaBea (May 23, 2007)

I suffer from it less than I used to but occasionally it still gets me. I try to counter it by making sure that even if I die today I'm not going to have a huge long list of stuff that I haven't yet done. That covers everything from taking the bin out to starting my own company!

My personal trigger is that I have 'tennis elbow' in my left arm. If you weigh around 500lbs and mention you have a pain in your left arm it tends to cause blind panic to anyone listening, but it really is just boring old epicondylitis. In the middle of the night though it sometimes twinges and wakes up the 'fear' even though the rational part of me knows exactly what it is.

To follow on from what SocialBfly said, I guess if you get busy living theres less time to think about dying. Bear in mind too that 'Fat person lives a long and happy life' will never make a newspaper headline even though theres lots more of that going on than the occasional more tragic story.

Tracey xx


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## Michelle (May 23, 2007)

Emma:

I used to worry about dying a lot when I was in my twenties. I think it may be a fairly normal thing for the human race at that age - not just fat people. In fact, some nights I'd have to read myself to sleep to stop thinking about it and to this day, I tend to fall asleep when I try to read because of it. 

Anyway, the fear for me has lessened with age and with the passing of people I care for. I was with my mother when she died and I also had a good friend die who is my age. Those sorts of things seem to lessen the fear for some reason. I've tried to figure out why and the only thing I can come up with is that it starts to cement in your mind that death is a natural part of life and that sometimes, death is welcomed (when in pain from a chronic disease or cancer or something similar).

Not to say I couldn't probably get myself worked up about it if I thought about it a lot; however, the older I get, the less I worry about things I can't control. I'll deal with it when I have to deal with it and beyond that, I'm not going to worry about it.

As for keeling over dead from being fat - I've tried to take steps to lessen the chances of that (eating right, getting in some exercise, being proactive about my health with regular doctor appointments, etc.). That's about all you can do, and I think that also lessens the fear somewhat.

ETA: My father's side of the family has been fat for generations. There is superior longevity on that side of the family - my great grandmother lived to 100, my grandmother lived to 96, my grandfather to 92, my aunt to 90 and my dad is going strong at 87. My mother's family has no obesity and her side of the family has just the opposite history - my grandfather at 62, my grandmother at 65, my mother at 67. Just an aside that might help relieve the fear a bit for you.


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## fatlane (May 23, 2007)

CurvyEm said:


> I know your "humour" is enjoyed by many but does it really belong on the heath board?
> 
> Nevermind, I won't ask things again if this is how my questions are going to be treated.



I'm just saying it's not something I allow myself to worry about. I have intense, searing pains frequently and nagging little demonic pains all the time. I even had a cancer scare a few years ago. The worry isn't worth it. It's a major mental effort to decide not to worry, but it's an effort I made and after a few years of worrying less and less about mortality, I feel much better about my life.

I know I'm not going to live forever. I want to live my life in a way where I don't worry and where I enjoy things. If that means I have to buy bigger pants, then so be it. I choose not to fear what could be going wrong in my body, but to accept I have limitations than can be pushed only at great future cost, and live within those limitations. When I push myself, it's for something I know will be worth the eventual pain. If I'm feeling crappy and I'm at home, I take it easy that day. If I feel crappy and I'm in someplace exotic, then I'm going to push myself and feel even more crappy on the flight back, but at least I wouldn't have wasted a day in the exotic place. I'll accept those pains as the cost of doing something fun.

That's the longer version, and I'm sorry to those I cut to the quick with my shorter response. But it's essentially the same thing, so I suppose I should apologize to those who I offend with this longer response. I'll just remind the gentle readers that I've faced down depression, social anxiety, the aforementioned cancer scare, my near-daily major pains and cramps, my constant minor irritations, and my limited mobility with a determinedly positive attitude. The pain does not go away when I buy bigger pants, but at least I'm comfy again as I deal with my issues without fearing them.

The fear will kill, not the fat.


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## BeaBea (May 23, 2007)

I'm really interested in this thread and the responses it's generating. Is it at all possible that the fear relates in some way to age? 

I'm not making light of it in any way, but is it possible as Fatlane said, you start to realise what you have coped with and survived, and as Michelle said, when you've seen people more people come and go from this world then you start to realise that everything has it's time and that worry isn't productive. 

Just a thought.

Tracey xx


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## BubbleButtBabe (May 23, 2007)

It's a natural fear..It is the unknown and we all as humans fear it..If someone had died and could come back to tell us what it is like then we would not fear it as much..We just have to be careful and not let it rule our lives..

I agree with fatlane and missaf,you have to live your life as if it is the last and always try to have your affairs in order..Being fat does not mean you are going to die..I have seen people that were skinny succumb to heart disease,cancer,diabetes, so weight is not the issue..

We are put on this earth for a limited number of days,when we were born we were born to die..That is a fact of life,being as morbid as it is..You just can not let the fear of dying over power you,you have to keep going and realize it will happen in it's time..You can't stop it and you can't take someone with you,well not unless you are in an accident..

I would suggest if it bothers you that much at bedtime then you need to read or sew or something at night to keep your mind busy until you are sleepy..

I have been dealing with this the last year and I know it is an unnatural fear but a fear none the less..My biggest worry is that my children would be unable to cope with it at this time..They have had to deal with a lot of losses in the short lifetime and I do not think they can handle any more at this time..When I start this line of thinking I pray..I know some of you might not believe in it but it helps me through it..


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## Sandie S-R (May 23, 2007)

Em...

There is a difference between rational fear, and irrational fear. It is important to separate those two, as well as separate fact and fiction. There are many things in the health arena that have been repeated as fact, but in truth are not. So, do your homework. If you actually have a health problem, then research it, learn about it, and be proactive in getting the care that you need. And if you do not have any health problems, then worrying about getting them is irrational. Stay active, eat healthy, everything in moderation, and have a good life. 

This is how I have managed to get to the ripe old age of 53,  , and how I plan on getting much older.


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## Ruby Ripples (May 23, 2007)

I DEFINITELY have the fear. Last night I actually phoned NHS 24 (you'll know what that is, Em) because I thought I had got a DVT in my right calf! I was calmy hysterical. Turns out it appears to have been cramp, lol. All I could think of was how rude they would be to me in hospital due to my weight, and HOW would I get down the three flights of stairs from my flat to the ambulance! (All the while thanking God that I had silky smooth legs and a nice fuschia fresh pedicure). God forbid I'd be diagnosed with DVT with hairy legs and chipped nail polish! 

The relief was unbelievable but I really panicked. I'm sure I wouldn't have had that fear if I didnt keep reading how much of a risk I am at from DVT! 

So, yes, I do the fear, and I do it often for all sorts of things we are supposed to worry about as fat people.


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## kr7 (May 23, 2007)

CurvyEm said:


> .......Do you get 'the fear'? I certainly do. I worry most nights that when I go to sleep I won't wake up due to my "morbid obesity"......



Em,

Firstly let me tell you that "the fear" is a completely normal part of being human. Everyone feels that way periodically. Even skinny, healthy people get that way. It is important , however, to recognize which part of it is rational and which is not.

Although being "morbidly obese", as you describe yourself, places you at more risk than an "average" person, it does not mean that you will just suddenly drop dead, or that there is absolutely nothing you can do to lessen these risks.

There are many positive things you can do that will minimize your risk. For example: don't smoke, wear sunscreen anytime you're outside, eat more fruits and veggies, take a multivitamin each day, and MOST IMPORTANTLY reduce stress.

Stressing over "the fear" will be the most likely thing to make your body sick. Things like meditation, gentle yoga, treating yourself to a massage, some gentle physical activity like swimming, are all great ways of reducing stress.

Small actions make a big difference, and when you actively participate in reducing your risk and stress level, you will automatically feel calmer, and be happier and healthier.

Oh, and yes, I also get "the fear", but I remind myself of all the positive things I'm doing for myself, and I feel like I'm going to be fine.

 Chris


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## SamanthaNY (May 23, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> I DEFINITELY have the fear. Last night I actually phoned NHS 24 (you'll know what that is, Em) because I thought I had got a DVT in my right calf! I was calmy hysterical. Turns out it appears to have been cramp, lol. All I could think of was how rude they would be to me in hospital due to my weight, and HOW would I get down the three flights of stairs from my flat to the ambulance! (All the while thanking God that I had silky smooth legs and a nice fuschia fresh pedicure). God forbid I'd be diagnosed with DVT with hairy legs and chipped nail polish!
> 
> The relief was unbelievable but I really panicked. I'm sure I wouldn't have had that fear if I didnt keep reading how much of a risk I am at from DVT!
> 
> So, yes, I do the fear, and I do it often for all sorts of things we are supposed to worry about as fat people.



I'm so glad you're okay, and didn't have a clot! However - I'll take the opportunity to remind people to know the *warning signs* in advance. Clots may take time to do damage, but they can also kill near-instantly, and the symptoms can be innocuous... at first. But it's essential to seek treatment (like you did, Erk - by calling and asking) immediately, even if you're not _positive _it's a clot. And this warning is doubled if you're 1) on the pill; and 2) a smoker.


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## Waxwing (May 23, 2007)

I think Bea was right that this fear may diminish as you get older. And people of all sizes are subject to that crippling irrational fear that something is going to happen. I used to be *constantly* fearful that I was secretly dying of some horrible disease. I would go to sleep at night worried that I wouldn't wake up. Eventyually that kind of thing becomes just exhausting. 

Your mind can really trap you in a spiral of worry, and it is hard to get out of it, especially when society is telling you that you're more at risk to begin with. 

I've mentioned this before in other threads, but sometimes the scariest thing turns out to not be the end of the world. I was terrified that I had a brain tumor. And I did! But I'm okay, I'm alive, and suddenly I don't worry as much as I used to. I'd rather be happy. 

This was a really brave thing to post, Em. Even though we may all feel it, it can be hard to admit sometimes.


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## Zandoz (May 23, 2007)

I've figured since I was in my 20s that if I made it to 40 I'd be surprised...to 50 shocked. I turned 50 this past December. Now days my only fear is leaving the ones I love worse off because of me. Other than that, ehhhhhhh...better leave it at that.


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## PrettyLife (May 23, 2007)

I totally understand your fear Em. I often think small pains are going to be the end of me but you know.... I never follow up on them because I fear being treated poorly or not taken seriously due to my weight. On a side note... since I had my daughter my fear of death has jumped a million times more. I have to remind myself that I'm not gonna drop dead at 29 cause I'm 275 pounds.


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## GrowingBoy (May 24, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> I'm sure I wouldn't have had that fear if I didnt keep reading how much of a risk I am at from DVT! .



Unfortunately, one of the scariest things about DVT is that it can be hard to diagnose. I hadn't heard about PE when I had my first one, and the symptoms were initially so wierd (high fever, no pain) that even the folks in the ER couldn't figure out what it was. And even when they did figure it out, they couldn't find where it originated. 

So about the best I can advise is to avoid sitting for long periods of time; get up, move your legs. If you have leg, chest or back pain, get it checked out. And be careful about eating too much spinach or drinking too much green team, or taking vitamin supplements with lots of Vitamin K!


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## GrowingBoy (May 24, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> I've mentioned this before in other threads, but sometimes the scariest thing turns out to not be the end of the world. I was terrified that I had a brain tumor. And I did! But I'm okay, I'm alive, and suddenly I don't worry as much as I used to. I'd rather be happy. QUOTE]
> 
> I've come close to dying three times. The first time was in 1989 during the Loma Prieta quake. I had taken a detour around the Cypress when it fell in. That one shook me up. I thought "I've got a lot of things I still want to do!", and within a year I had quit my job, gone back to school and was on the road to a different (and better) life.
> 
> But the last two came out of the blue. I had been through the rapids of life and was paddling on what I thought was a still lake, and then, boom! The docs said I should worry about it, but strangely enough, I don't. That's not the same thing as not being cautious; I'm still sensible enough to get to an ER if the symptoms warrant. It's just that I accept that some (most?) things are out of my control.


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## EtobicokeFA (May 25, 2007)

kr7 said:


> Em,
> 
> Firstly let me tell you that "the fear" is a completely normal part of being human. Everyone feels that way periodically. Even skinny, healthy people get that way. It is important , however, to recognize which part of it is rational and which is not.
> 
> ...




I agree that stressing over the "fear" does a lot more to ones' body that we know. Actually, I one of those people who believe that we still don't know the true power the mind has over the body. 

Still, I see that too many people who just can't stop stressing over the "fear". Which is understandable considering the amount paranoid information we face today! 

We have to find a way to solve this!


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## kerrypop (May 26, 2007)

oi- I am having a major case of "the fear" right now. I have this disgusting cold.... and I'm _pretty_ sure that this ridiculous pain that goes all the way down the right side of my neck and into like, my collarbone area is related to that.... 


...but what if it's not? It's weird. It feels like I pulled a muscle or slept wrong, but If I massage my neck to try and alleviate some of the pain, my inner ear starts hurting, which is why I think it's related to my ridiculous cold. HOWEVER- whenever I get ear pain (which is often... so often in fact that my ear drum had a hole in it from exploding too many times... so now I have a prosthetic) It is _always_ accompanied with sinus trouble, but all I have now is a gross mucousy cough. I know, TMI, TMI.... 

I am going to the beach today, and I am going to have a good time, If i can stop freaking out. *sigh*


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## imfree (May 26, 2007)

Zandoz said:


> I've figured since I was in my 20s that if I made it to 40 I'd be surprised...to 50 shocked. I turned 50 this past December. Now days my only fear is leaving the ones I love worse off because of me. Other than that, ehhhhhhh...better leave it at that.



I'll turn 52 early next month, and I'm a lot like you, Zandoz, in
that kind'a thinking. I really didn't see myself living past the turn-of-
the century. Two years ago, Dr TJ put me on U-500 insulin and told
me "GOD will give you the power to control your diabetes." Just having
blood sugars and blood pressure under control has given me a new lease
on life. I'm huge at 415 lbs, so I do have limitations, to be fair. I have
less fear of premature death now than I've ever had before.


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## moniquessbbw (May 26, 2007)

I do have some serious health conditions that I have been dealing with for the last 10 years. Anxiety will cause you to over eat and so will worry. Try and take a deep breath and relax. If that doesn't work they have anxiety pills that will help, just ask your doctor. If you did die in your sleep you would never know it happened. I no longer worry about that. I hope the day I do leave this earth it will be that peaceful. Just take it all one day at a time and you will be fine. Life is too short to worry all the time.


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## rainyday (May 26, 2007)

I feel similarly to Michelle in that with age and life events, fear of my own death has gone away. Ooh baby do I fear it for those I love though. I'm not nearly so calm when it comes to others I might lose. For myself though, I have complete faith that what awaits me after death not only isn't bad but will likely be more fulfilling than I can even begin to imagine now. In that way I think this fear isn't so much one faced only by fat folk, but by every human being who must make peace in their own hearts with what follows after death and what they can do on this mortal coil to affect that.

I do remember having fears similar to yours when I was younger though, and the health doomsdayers did often get to me. In college I had a series of panic attacks that I was convinced were heart attacks. It floors me now, but when they first started happening I was so mortified that I hid it from those around me, deciding it would be better to have a heart attack and die than to go to a doctor and be told my fat had caused this. (So crazy I can barely believe it now.) Evenually I had one while at my parents' house, they made me go to the ER and I got the "nothing but a panic attack" verdict. Over time after that, I became a lot less prone to assuming the worst, especially when I discovered how empowering being able to research and be informed was. I think you will find that age and time lessens the fear for you as well, Em.

I should add though that while I don't fear death, I do fear disabilty a lot. Or anything that would cause a long lingering demise or make me a burden to loved ones. So I worry about avoiding things like diabetes or other ailments that could end up making my world smaller and more difficult.


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## Mechelle (May 26, 2007)

kerrypop said:


> I totally worry about things like this- Every little weird pain is something that I'm like OMG- I could be dying. Mostly I just don't think about it, and try to eat fruits and vegetables. One of my major concerns is osteoperosis- as my Grandmothers on both sides have it, and I already have arthritis. I know that I didn't drink enough milk/get enough calcium as a teen, and since I'm a heavy girl It really frightens me as to what could happen to a brittle boned chubby lady.
> 
> Do I deal with it? not really, right now I have SO much other stuff going on, (wedding, graduation, grad school, lack of job next year, etc) I usually just find some other stressor to occupy that part of my brain that constantly worries about something.




I just posted about vitamins and supplements and talked specifically about osteoperosis, it is so easy to counter at a young age. Start taking calcium daily. 2 Viactive calcium chews a day will help you so much!!! My step mom has osteoperosis... they are inexpensive and taste good, give them a try!


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## Miss Vickie (May 26, 2007)

I used to deal with this from time to time. I remember one Halloween watching a movie with my sweetie, convinced that I was going to have a stroke or heart attack because my blood pressure was so high. Mostly I worry about others -- losing your parents as a child and being a mom of three will do that -- but I used to also worry about myself when my blood pressure was so high.

These days I feel fairly invincible, which is probably a bad thing.


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## Tracyarts (May 26, 2007)

Usually I'm on a pretty even keel until something major happens with my health or another supersized person I know dies or has a major health crisis. Especially if it is due to something weight related or which I deal with myself.

Once it hits close to home, I am in bigtime panic fear mode. Especially if the person who dies is younger or in better overall health than me. 

Tracy


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## kerrypop (May 27, 2007)

missaf said:


> It sounds like you pulled your sternoclidomastoid muscle
> 
> Seriously! Coughing or sleeping wrong will both cause that kinda pain.



Whoa! I have been doing both of those things. It hurts all the time. Turning my head, breathing deeply, moving my arm, and massaging it does NOT help. Hmmmmmm.... I am less concerned!  thanks!


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## Zandoz (May 27, 2007)

imfree said:


> I'll turn 52 early next month, and I'm a lot like you, Zandoz, in
> that kind'a thinking. I really didn't see myself living past the turn-of-
> the century. Two years ago, Dr TJ put me on U-500 insulin and told
> me "GOD will give you the power to control your diabetes." Just having
> ...




Keep up the good work on that controlling, and on dodging those fears.


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## Suze (May 27, 2007)

i have "the fear" from my smoking habits. More of that then my weight really.


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## kr7 (May 27, 2007)

I, for one, have to say that the "fear" is (at least in large part) due to all the media hysteria of everything that will undoubtedly kill us all (or so they would like us to believe).

The one thing that I found to be a wonderful antidote and a destressor is reading the first chapter of Jerome K. Jerome's _Three Men in a Boat, to Say nothing of the Dog._ Here is a link to an excerpt that should do the trick:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0765341611/ref=sib_dp_pop_ex/102-9723579-3364134?ie=UTF8&p=S009#reader-link

I read this whenever I need to put things in perspective.

Chris


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 27, 2007)

I feared death when I was young. I wonder if it's because young people have so many things they want to do; as we get older, we either achieve our goals or cross them off the list, so we don't have so much unfinished business. I think also that we fear death because it is an unknown factor: for that reason we refuse to think about it, and so it remains unknown and terrifying. Maybe we need to think about it sometimes.
In the hopes it may make someone feel better, here is my own perspective:
Life and death are really the same thing, like two sides of the same coin. My scientist friends tell me that all animals -- whales and humans and mice -- live for about the same number of heartbeats. From that perspective, each heartbeat, every breath, is one less left to you. But at the same time, it is your heartbeat and your breath that keep you alive! Without oxygen we die immediately, yet the free radicals released in our cells when our bodies use that oxygen damage the cells and hasten the process of aging -- and ultimately, of death. So by living we die, and by dying we live, and our challenge is to live each moment as fully as we can -- as several other posters have already pointed out.


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## SocialbFly (May 28, 2007)

part of what you said Dr Feelgood is what makes me post this here, if people are offfended by this post, please feel free to remove it...

i used to be afraid about death a lot earlier in my life too...mostly i have a fear regarding regrets, i dont want to die having regretted not doin this or that....where does that come from???

As an intensive care nurse who works in cardiac intensive care, i have sat with many dying adult and kids, and NEVER did one of them complain about not having more money, or more this or that, they complained about not having time with family, not standing up for what they believed in, or having let the love of their life go...of course, not all of the people i have been with have said that, but many have...my own aunt, said she regretted never having stood up for me when i was young, and that was her biggest regret in life...wow....

i used to be afraid of dying alone...then two things happened in my life...one, was due to the amount of dying people i took care of and the affect it had on my life, i read a book by Nyland called "How we die" while some of the info has been updated, it was interesting...and i also read tons of Kubler-Ross info, if you dont know who she is, she specialized in death and dying, and one of the things she said is that no one dies alone...that we go to those we love before we die and say good bye...how, well, the people dont know you are there, lol, of course, but she says we visit those we love..that made me feel better...i have something to back that up with...one of the work nurses i work with, when his father died, he was unaware of it, as he went to pick his then, 5 year old son up from a friends house. As Bill and his child came out of the house, his son said Daddy, there is paw paw in the sky, Bill said oh no, that isnt paw paw, he is in the hospital...but his son was adamant about his grandpa being in the sky...of course, when they got to the hospital Bills dad had coded and was in the process of dying, so imagine Bills surprise...that story made me feel better, cause dying alone was always one of my biggest fears...

now of course, the whole pain issue is what scared me too with dying, but the body is wondrous, and generally you go into a shocky state when you die....i always make sure and give drugs to dying patients if the family wishes it, but honestly, often times the person is so sick that the body itself doesnt perceive pain the way you and i do....and that is the blessing of someone bigger than us (that whole higher power thing, or God, whatever you believe in) cause someone is merciful to us...even badly injured car wrecks, while they hurt (dont get me wrong, sometimes you do hurt no matter what) is not what it could be, your body is in shock, so you dont even notice the pain as much, you would not believe the horrific injuries i have taken care of, and they are not hurting when they come in...amazing...

the biggest thing i have learned is that family matters, friends matter, i tell my friends what they mean to me, i tll my family what they mean to me...i dont want to ever croak and not have them know how important their being in my life is...and when i am down, cause i have had too many sick kids to take care of lately, i take time for myself, doing things that please me, or i surround myself with friends that understand and don't mind if i am a little quieter....while i heal the heart i carry with me....

so, hope that wasnt too much of a downer, but i have been blessed in so many ways that when people have died, i have been able to be with them and maybe ease that passing a little....

so, fear of death, believe me, not as much as when i was younger....make sense?


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## rainyday (May 28, 2007)

That was a beautiful post, Social. I can't imagine how anyone could be offended by it. 

That Nuland book is an interesting one. He also has another one called "How we live."


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## imfree (May 28, 2007)

rainyday said:


> That was a beautiful post, Social. I can't imagine how anyone could be offended by it.
> 
> That Nuland book is an interesting one. He also has another one called "How we live."



........Like the country song says, "Live Like You Were Dying". Never hold back on love, never let the last words you say to another person be in anger. Most of us won't when our last moment in this life is to come. We can live in such a way as to leave no regrets. SocialbFly, your post was beautiful!
I love your signature statement, SocialbFly, yep, I'm a legend in my own mind, too.


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## BBW Betty (May 28, 2007)

Em, this was a great idea for a thread, especially concerning how we are bombarded with propaganda that our fat will kill us.

I panic sometimes when I have a bad cold an get congested in my chest. If I can't breathe, the imagination goes into overtime. And it got pretty bad a while back, when my cousin had a heart attack and had to have triple bypass. He is younger than I am, but also fat (although not as fat as I am), so of course I was drawing all kinds of parallels in my head.



rainyday said:


> I should add though that while I don't fear death, I do fear disabilty a lot. Or anything that would cause a long lingering demise or make me a burden to loved ones. So I worry about avoiding things like diabetes or other ailments that could end up making my world smaller and more difficult.



This is actually my bigger fear. I've had arthritis in my ankles since I was a teenager, and there are some mornings I can hardly move. Once I get going, though, it's better. The last few years have brought problems with my left knee and my back, although I can pretty much trace that to stress I had at work. Once I quit that job, my doctor visits decreased dramatically.


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## liz (di-va) (May 28, 2007)

This my relationship with that kind of fear, at this moment--here comes a ranty-rant:

Fuck fear. Bless its heart, but fuck it. It's never motivated me to do anything that would actually alleviate the rational causes of it. All it's done is made me more fearful and more paralyzed (and not seek the right medical care).

I think fear's normal. I get fearful a lot. I don't feel hostile towards fear because I think it's unnatural or unexpected. It tends to balloon, though, fast and furious, into something big and unmanageable and unhelpful, nastily mixed with worry and phobia.

I find it a very limited place to be, fear. And I feel like I get so much of it, sloppy wholesale, from the world at large and well-meaning friends and *%&)(*&^% Oprah and busy doctors and whomever. People pass along a lot of what is their own fear as Advice, as Concern. 
This is one reason I am really wary and annoyed at* seriously alarmist health care advice*, even in size-accepting environments. It doesn't *help*. It doesn't get me anywhere. Fear is a temporary motivator, at best. Fear of death as a primary motivator is grim and ineffective; for me reaching for health has to come from a place of wanting, and pleasure and joy. I don't need my information-gathering to come with stern warnings for me to understand it. 

I have had some gnarly health scares in the last couple years and have had to confront, first, a lot of fear, and second, the issue of What Makes Change, how to find health. I actually had to yell at a busy surgeon who was reaching for gross photos to scare me about something, because he thought that would motivate me (to what? majickly be a thin person or something, I dunno).

Everybody's different, fear plays a different role in everybody's life, but for me...I have to tell it to fuck off. It's not bravado or unrealism, fear is just kind of toxic. I could be fearful the rest of my life, or I could do stuff. I'll always be dragging some fear with me, but still. I got stuff to do.


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## Butterbelly (May 30, 2007)

I used to fear dying young. Last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought my fears had come true. I immediately became depressed, and couldn't help but think: "I'm going to die at the age of 27." But the more I told myself that...the more I realized that I was thinking nonsense. I created my own fears, and in order to get over them...I had better start living.

No one knows for certain when they are going to die, and while some people choose to focus on this...I chose to focus on changing my lifestyle, having fun, and enjoying life. I don't know what tomorrow holds...but at least I can say that I didn't let fear hold me back from accomplishing things.


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## kr7 (May 30, 2007)

Butterbelly said:


> I used to fear dying young. Last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I thought my fears had come true. I immediately became depressed, and couldn't help but think: "I'm going to die at the age of 27." But the more I told myself that...the more I realized that I was thinking nonsense. I created my own fears, and in order to get over them...I had better start living.
> 
> No one knows for certain when they are going to die, and while some people choose to focus on this...I chose to focus on changing my lifestyle, having fun, and enjoying life. I don't know what tomorrow holds...but at least I can say that I didn't let fear hold me back from accomplishing things.



I hope you're feeling better these days! :big, positive energy hug and kiss:
:kiss2: 
Chris


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## SocialbFly (Jun 15, 2007)

this is prolly the best place ever to post this. Monday and Tuesdy night, i was taking care of a girl who was 12 years old, waiting for a heart transplant....she looked up at me and said "i am afraid to die" and she and i talked for a while that while she was very very sick, that she had made a little progress, and that hopefully she was on the right tract...the right tract to getting better...
I called late (or very early) Wed night/Thurs morning to work, and found out she had died. This little girl with such spirit....and so articulate that she was able to tell me how she felt about dying...

we all worry about it, doesnt matter our age, some religions scare us with it (you will go to hell you bad person) some docs scare us with it (you will die young you fat person) some friends try well meaning lectures ( i want to see you live to see your nieces have kids) but in the end, we have no control over it...i say as a friend has said, living well is the best revenge...don't wait to be 50 lbs lighter to do something or to try something, dont wait til you are older, cuter, your hair is cut different or you feel better somehow someway about yourself..our lives are just that OURS...what we do with them is our choice, our choice everyday...when we wake up, we have a conscious choice of what to do with that day, what to make of that day...i choose to live it happy and with a forward looking and planning attitude...because that is how i choose to be...will it be forever, i don't know, and neither does anyone else, but to live anything less does ourselves a huge dis-service...we are worth more than that...

i say we choose to live, and live well. I choose this for myself. Devil be damned.


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## imfree (Jun 15, 2007)

SocialbFly said:


> this is prolly the best place ever to post this. Monday and Tuesdy night, i was taking care of a girl who was 12 years old, waiting for a heart transplant....she looked up at me and said "i am afraid to die" and she and i talked for a while that while she was very very sick, that she had made a little progress, and that hopefully she was on the right tract...the right tract to getting better...
> I called late (or very early) Wed night/Thurs morning to work, and found out she had died. This little girl with such spirit....and so articulate that she was able to tell me how she felt about dying...
> 
> we all worry about it, doesnt matter our age, some religions scare us with it (you will go to hell you bad person) some docs scare us with it (you will die young you fat person) some friends try well meaning lectures ( i want to see you live to see your nieces have kids) but in the end, we have no control over it...i say as a friend has said, living well is the best revenge...don't wait to be 50 lbs lighter to do something or to try something, dont wait til you are older, cuter, your hair is cut different or you feel better somehow someway about yourself..our lives are just that OURS...what we do with them is our choice, our choice everyday...when we wake up, we have a conscious choice of what to do with that day, what to make of that day...i choose to live it happy and with a forward looking and planning attitude...because that is how i choose to be...will it be forever, i don't know, and neither does anyone else, but to live anything less does ourselves a huge dis-service...we are worth more than that...
> ...



Great Post, SocialbFly!!!, you're a legend in my mind, too!


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## mossystate (Jun 15, 2007)

SocialbFly said:


> this is prolly the best place ever to post this. Monday and Tuesdy night, i was taking care of a girl who was 12 years old, waiting for a heart transplant....she looked up at me and said "i am afraid to die" and she and i talked for a while that while she was very very sick, that she had made a little progress, and that hopefully she was on the right tract...the right tract to getting better...
> I called late (or very early) Wed night/Thurs morning to work, and found out she had died. This little girl with such spirit....and so articulate that she was able to tell me how she felt about dying...
> 
> we all worry about it, doesnt matter our age, some religions scare us with it (you will go to hell you bad person) some docs scare us with it (you will die young you fat person) some friends try well meaning lectures ( i want to see you live to see your nieces have kids) but in the end, we have no control over it...i say as a friend has said, living well is the best revenge...don't wait to be 50 lbs lighter to do something or to try something, dont wait til you are older, cuter, your hair is cut different or you feel better somehow someway about yourself..our lives are just that OURS...what we do with them is our choice, our choice everyday...when we wake up, we have a conscious choice of what to do with that day, what to make of that day...i choose to live it happy and with a forward looking and planning attitude...because that is how i choose to be...will it be forever, i don't know, and neither does anyone else, but to live anything less does ourselves a huge dis-service...we are worth more than that...
> ...




Thank you for this post and the one you posted in May, here in this thread.

My Mom died in April, and I was there to care for her and was there to watch her face as she took her final breath. My brother and I ( I have many siblings, but he and I were the ones with her at the end ) made sure to keep up on the meds, but even though I had heard and read that at the very end, the body is shutting down and doing what it needs to do, I could not help but cry every night, thinking she might be in pain. I still have moments where I think about this ( like right now, tears streaming down my face ), but your words gave me great comfort.

After my Mom died, I felt an energy that, while I was so sad she was gone, I also felt I could 'do more'. I have had other things to deal with in terms of a flooding of my place back in December..moving...hotels..claims..etc..ack, but her dying gave me some hope ( thanks Mom ). I want to keep this energy, but I now find myself maybe even more scared than before, or maybe a different kind of scared.

I don't really have a fear in terms of weight, but I am in this weird zone of not really caring..and wanting change ( not even really talking about weight here ). Before this happened with my Mom, I have to confess that while I did not want to die, I really did not care about living..does that make sense? Now, I am worried that I might really want to 'Live', capital L, and I might not be able to facilitate the changes.

Ack, I know I am not making sense, and I know it is understandable with what I have been through, so apologies for being scattered.

I have always been on the fringes of Dimensions..in a way. I have 'used' this place as somewhere to go for a laugh, or to beat my chest and be heard..heh..but I never really took the time to get to know many people..really know..and there are more than a couple out here I think are swell.. .

What I am saying is that sometimes people have fears, in part, because they do not reach out. Like all fears..or shame...shining a light on it can feel wonderful.

Ok, I am out the door, and I will blame that for ..this ( see, I can't be serious for long )

Social..again...thanks..


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## Aurora (Jun 15, 2007)

I don't have the fear for myself at all, and never have. I'm one of those happy optimistic type people. I try to live my life to the fullest, and if I die early it won't matter because I'll have enjoyed every moment of it. Of course I don't want to die early and I do keep a fairly close watch on my health, but if I've got a decision to take either an apple or a piece of cake, I'm taking the cake baby, and eating it too.

I'm more afraid of losing loved ones. My mom has diabetes and she doesn't take care of herself at all. Doesn't eat right, smokes excessively, etc. It's just a matter of time before something bad happens and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. My dad is a heavy social drinker and that's caused some issues as well, and his memory is getting really bad. His brother recently died due to an alcohol related illness. My grandparents died of cancer related to smoking.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have a 99 year old aunt who's healthy and still drives a car. She's got a lead foot so I think when she goes it's because she was speeding and flipped her Cadillac. *laughs* 

We just don't know when or how we're gonna go, but it's an inevitable part of life. I'm content in not knowing. I'm content with living.


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## Tina (Jun 15, 2007)

fatlane said:


> I buy bigger pants.



Heh. And you know, just reading this thread for the first time today, I got it. Yes, lightening up is a good thing.  

In essence, I agree with you, FL. Growing up, my various doctors always told my mother I would die young, and the only way to stop it would be for me to lose weight. Horsepucky. Take care of the things you can control, plan for, etc., but beyond that, try not to stress or worry too much. I say this as a person who is going through a hell of a lot of trials right now, and I'm not always so successful at not worrying, but I do remind myself quite a bit that it does no good, and then I focus on something else -- preferably getting something done.


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## Lady at Large (Jun 16, 2007)

Wow, I am happy this thread was brought back up. I think I needed this. 

We do all have fears of one sort or another, it is the not letting them paralyze us that is the important part. 

Social your posts were lovely, and I still have a lump in my throat...thanks for being so eloquent!


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## Tina (Jun 16, 2007)

She really is, Lady at Large. Di is a remarkable woman.


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## EbonySSBBW (Jun 16, 2007)

Seconded! Di is a wonderful woman and a good friend. 

Dianna, I'm so sorry to hear about that little girl. That breaks my heart.  I was hoping that you would get to be with her again. It definitely takes a special person to do the work that you do. Bless you, my dear.


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## Falcon (Jun 17, 2007)

SocialbFly said:


> this is prolly the best place ever to post this. Monday and Tuesdy night, i was taking care of a girl who was 12 years old, waiting for a heart transplant....she looked up at me and said "i am afraid to die" and she and i talked for a while that while she was very very sick, that she had made a little progress, and that hopefully she was on the right tract...the right tract to getting better...



You know my friend, this is along the lines of what I've told you before. My kids are (were) the most valuable, most important thing in my life. Had they ever been sick I'd have wanted them to be in the care of someone just like you. 

And I was always extremely careful who I trusted with my kids.


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## SocialbFly (Jun 18, 2007)

you know, i truly believe sometimes we are led to where we are supposed to be, i am lucky to do what i love all the time, just sometimes, it hurts more than others...this one hurt...but it was an awesome reminder the whole time, that life is promised to no one...we have what we make of it...


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