# "You can do so much better"



## LordQuas (Jun 10, 2011)

I go to a community college outside of Cleveland. The other day I was talking to a couple of classmates while having a cigarette and somehow the subject of why guys like big women came up. 

One of them is a relatively averaged sized white woman and the other was a very thin white woman. The thin one said it's usually because of low self esteem and the average sized one said she didn't really think that was the case. They went back and forth for a few minutes while I tried my best to keep my mouth shut. 

At one point the skinny one revealed that she used to be fat (I didnt press her on how big she used to be but judging from her comments I'd guess not really that big) and I couldnt take it anymore. I asked her if she would be surprised to know that I loved (yes I used the word love) big women. She replied with "How could I not be? You're a decent looking well spoken guy, you can do so much better than fat chicks." The averaged sized chick was in shock and clearly was expecting me to blow up. It just so happened that I finished my cigarette right after she said this so after a few seconds of awkward silence I just smiled and told them both I'd see them next week in class.

After typing this I really don't have much of a point with this post, I just felt the need to let it out and didn't really feel like telling my girlfriend (I love her to death, I just don't think she would have had much to say about it).

Thoughts? Comments? Should I have checked her or did I do the right thing by just letting her marinate in her own ignorance and self-hatred?


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## RoseVivaciou (Jun 10, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> I go to a community college outside of Cleveland. The other day I was talking to a couple of classmates while having a cigarette and somehow the subject of why guys like big women came up.
> 
> One of them is a relatively averaged sized white woman and the other was a very thin white woman. The thin one said it's usually because of low self esteem and the average sized one said she didn't really think that was the case. They went back and forth for a few minutes while I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.
> 
> ...



You wont change her view on larger lasses by debating why. If they are that shallow to think to do better you need to be with a stereotype. Raised eyebrow and walking away moment. I wonder if they were male if it would be different. 

Lads at my work look out the window and comment on all the slender girls and forget I am sitting behind them. If a woman is big walks passed its comments of "o dear" and I get lectures on how to lose weight when I am having a low day. It would have been worth hearing you say "love big women" infront of those lads.


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## Blackjack (Jun 10, 2011)

The proper response is "No, I can't, but not in the way you think."


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## Tad (Jun 10, 2011)

I got this from friends and family in the second and third years my wife and I were dating. The first year we were both off at University and away from my friends and family, and they anyway were just happy that I was dating anyone. But then we were long distance, and through some combination of the fact that she was getting plump, was from a blue collar immigrant family, was outspoken, was a bit of a nerd and not at all a girly-girl.. well, they never really said specifically what, but I had friends make it clear that they thought while I was in a new city I should not feel obliged to stay with her, I had opportunities to do better. Worse, my Mom implied the same thing :doh: :doh: :doh:

In all cases I pretty much just said that I was not looking for anyone else and that I wanted to stay with her. When we got engaged they all, thankfully, stopped. Although one friend pretty much became an ex-friend in later years when he couldnt hold his opinion of her in checkyou just dont go there with friends, even if you are the resident ass-hat, there are places you just don't go.


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## Stefanydiwilmette (Jun 10, 2011)

I went to a rich high school in the early 1980s. The skinny girls were vain, selfish, stupid, judgemental monsters. I am turned off by skinny glam-trash girls much in same way that I am turned off by Nazis. Anyone could do better than a girl like that. The cruel irony is that these Paris Hilton wanna-be's end up marrying some man who is turned on by girls who look like they are thirteen. When she gets old and puts on weight she'll discover her husband is spending more time surfing the internet for underage porno than paying attention to her.


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## Jes (Jun 10, 2011)

OP: I think you did an excellent job with your answer. You weighed in when you wanted to, you said what you wanted to, and you left when you wanted to. I suspect that the way you did all of that gave her much more to think about than any other approach would've.


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## Surlysomething (Jun 10, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> I go to a community college outside of Cleveland. The other day I was talking to a couple of classmates while having a cigarette and somehow the subject of why guys like big women came up.
> 
> One of them is a relatively averaged sized white woman and the other was a very thin white woman. The thin one said it's usually because of low self esteem and the average sized one said she didn't really think that was the case. They went back and forth for a few minutes while I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.
> 
> ...


 

Good for you. I think you handled the situation with a lot of class.


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## CastingPearls (Jun 10, 2011)

I agree with the two posts above mine. 

You handled it with class. Good for you.


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## Jon Blaze (Jun 10, 2011)

Blackjack said:


> The proper response is "No, I can't, but not in the way you think."



I like to retort with "I am doing better." lol


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## liz (di-va) (Jun 10, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> houghts? Comments? Should I have checked her or did I do the right thing by just letting her marinate in her own ignorance and self-hatred?



I think there's no one right thing to do in these situations. It sounds like you said exactly what you wanted/needed to say and you should feel good about that. And yeah, who knows - maybe leaving it open-ended like that, in a way, made her brain spin a bit. Probably pretty effective.

Everybody has a different style with this kind of stuff, I figure. I probably wouldn't have been able to let it go myself (but in that case it wouldn't have been the same conversation anyhow, since I'm a fat chick).

Boy...the "you can do so much better" species of comments really piss me off and make me sad. Two people overcome sometimes serious odds to find each other, love each other, commit to each other--and that's all people can say about it? That's all they can see? It's so belittling. What a horrible thing to say to a person about their partner. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to _anybody_ about their partner or choices. Mmrpmh.


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## Pitch (Jun 13, 2011)

Heh, better. She rates herself and all women on a trophy tier based on appearances alone. How droll.

Can't hack into her flesh that bad, though. Most of America is behind this weight based human worth/objectification crap. These days people can be anything or do anything terrible, bad or disgusting and amoral. General consensus "Well, at least you aren't fat."


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 13, 2011)

Pitch said:


> Most of America is behind this weight based human worth/objectification crap.



Historically, most people have judged other people on the basis of appearances -- height, weight, color, type of clothing -- and I suspect they always will. Because it doesn't require thinking.


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## Tad (Jun 13, 2011)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Historically, most people have judged other people on the basis of appearances -- height, weight, color, type of clothing -- and I suspect they always will. Because it doesn't require thinking.



To be fair, when meeting a total stranger we do have to make some sort of assesment about them, and often appearance is all we have. I think the two things that mess it up is when we take those first assumptions too seriously--not keeping an open mind that they may well be wrong-- and when we attach too much importance to any single feature (skin colour, body size, clothing style, etc).

Well, I guess that goes with the not wanting to actually think part of what you said :bow:


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## JulianDW (Jun 13, 2011)

I think you handled it well, I don't even know what I would've done. It sounds like she didn't even know that FAs exist and/or had a skewed view of them, which could be in part because she was never exposed to one or because she gets most of her knowledge from TV. Anyway, the fact that you handled the situation maturely and didn't flip out hopefully left her with a more postive impression of FAs.


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## Gspoon (Jun 13, 2011)

"You can do so much better than a fat ass girl"

"Okay, here is where you are wrong... first off, see the lady that you are talking about. Yeah! In my eyes, she looks like she is the cover girl of the next playboy/sports illustrated swimsuit coming out. Not only that, she has a heart of gold and she... well, I hope she likes to go out to eat . So, to be quite honest it is much harder for me to get someone better."

"Yeah but"

"Yes, she is fat. Now, try to look past the fat and just see a human being in that body as I do."


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## luvbigfellas (Jun 13, 2011)

My favorite response to these sorts of things is: "Yeah, she's fat. You're dumb and ugly."


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## Chimpi (Jun 15, 2011)

Blackjack said:


> The proper response is "No, I can't, but not in the way you think."



^ Exactly.


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## ThinkingFA (Jun 18, 2011)

You don't owe anyone an explanation. We like what we like. It's also unfair to assume that thin people are preferred because of social conditioning. Attraction is wired into us.


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## Giblon (Jun 19, 2011)

This is a bit off topic, but yeah OHIO!! What school are you talking about?


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 20, 2011)

Gspoon said:


> "You can do so much better than a fat ass girl"
> 
> "Okay, here is where you are wrong... first off, see the lady that you are talking about. Yeah! In my eyes, she looks like she is the cover girl of the next playboy/sports illustrated swimsuit coming out. Not only that, she has a heart of gold and she... well, I hope she likes to go out to eat . So, to be quite honest it is much harder for me to get someone better."
> 
> ...



The whole concept of "doing better" seems just silly. Not everyone has the same turnons so "better" to one person isn't the same as "better" to another person. It's just as easy for an FA to see a guy with a skinny girl and insist it would be "better" to be with a fat girl because fat girls are softer or curvier or feel better or are more sexual or whatever.

That having been said, i don't think an FA, or most FA's are looking past the fat and seeing the human being. An FA doesn't want to look past the fat, he wants to look AT the fat. I work with a younger fat guy who worries that girls his age are too superficial to want to be with him. I told him there are FFA of all ages and it's not a matter of being superficial or not because an FFA is specifically going to want a fat guy, not just be unsuperficial enough to get beyond the fat.


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## ObiWantsU (Jun 20, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> She replied with "How could I not be? You're a decent looking well spoken guy, you can do so much better than fat chicks."


I think you handled it perfectly by letting them use their imagination for your responses. The only offering I could think of if pressed on it might be saying something, again with a smile, like, "Really? Like you? Are you vain enough to think that you can turn gay guys straight also?"


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 20, 2011)

LoveBHMS said:


> The whole concept of "doing better" seems just silly.



As does the whole concept of "arm candy." Yet an important aspect of courtship in 21st-Century America is the acquisition of a suitably decorative partner to display as a trophy before one's rivals.


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## LordQuas (Jun 20, 2011)

Giblon said:


> This is a bit off topic, but yeah OHIO!! What school are you talking about?



Cuyahoga Community College


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## KittyKitten (Aug 27, 2011)

I bet she was ugly. You handled it with class but if I was a dude I probably would have said, "yeah, my girl is fat, so? She looks better than your ugly, haggard-looking ass."


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## squurp (Aug 27, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> I go to a community college outside of Cleveland. The other day I was talking to a couple of classmates while having a cigarette and somehow the subject of why guys like big women came up.
> 
> One of them is a relatively averaged sized white woman and the other was a very thin white woman. The thin one said it's usually because of low self esteem and the average sized one said she didn't really think that was the case. They went back and forth for a few minutes while I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.
> 
> ...



One can only have a rational argument with someone that is rational.


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## bmann0413 (Aug 28, 2011)

Won't people say that about ANYONE? I can say that about one person and another person could totally disagree with me.
_________________________________

Me: Geez, Maddie could do so much better than Josh.

Kendall: I dunno, he seems like a good dude for her. Smart, nice... he's an all-round cool guy.

Me: Yeah, but look at how he looks! He dresses like some street punk!

Kendall: Well, maybe that's just his style. Not all guys who dress that way are street punks, y'know.

Me: Whatever, I still say he's no good.
___________________________

See? And that's just an example I came up with on the fly. When faced with something like that, you just say something in a calm manner. If they don't agree with you, just shrug and move on. The OP handled this in a perfect way. I commend that person.


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## idontspeakespn (Aug 28, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> I go to a community college outside of Cleveland. The other day I was talking to a couple of classmates while having a cigarette and somehow the subject of why guys like big women came up.
> 
> One of them is a relatively averaged sized white woman and the other was a very thin white woman. The thin one said it's usually because of low self esteem and the average sized one said she didn't really think that was the case. They went back and forth for a few minutes while I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.
> 
> ...



I think you handled that the best way possible. It was classy and you showed more restraint that I would have. This type of ignorant response is the same kind of response people give me if I am in a mixed race relationship--only I'm the low point, and my boyfriends could surely 'do better'. I think your situation happens a lot more now, though, because mixed-race relationships aren't as taboo as they used to be. 

*sigh* 

It makes me very angry, but not a whole lot you can do against such prejudice .


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## disconnectedsmile (Aug 28, 2011)

Jon Blaze said:


> I like to retort with "I am doing better." lol



my response is usually something akin to "not really, there's nothing better than being myself."


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## khrestel (Oct 25, 2011)

My mom has told the same to almost every bf of mine. They could do better than me, a fat girl. 

I guess that's the reason I sometimes feel I shouldn't go along to certain places with my husband, work related occassions etc. I'm afraid more people think the same way and been seen with me takes his "value" down in their eyes.


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## JMCGB (Oct 25, 2011)

Blackjack said:


> The proper response is "No, I can't, but not in the way you think."





Jon Blaze said:


> I like to retort with "I am doing better." lol



Both of these are nice retorts!


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## Tkscz (Oct 26, 2011)

You remind me of my buddy Adam. Very patient with the ignorant. Me, I would've asked my buddy Ashley to punch her in the face. She likes punching ignorant people. But that's just me.... and my entire family.


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Nov 18, 2011)

khrestel said:


> My mom has told the same to almost every bf of mine. They could do better than me, a fat girl.
> 
> I guess that's the reason I sometimes feel I shouldn't go along to certain places with my husband, work related occassions etc. I'm afraid more people think the same way and been seen with me takes his "value" down in their eyes.



...o_o

Frell, that is just...

Blimey.

I'm sorry. That's so horrible! I mean, isn't that the job of the guy's domineering mother? X_x Not...

*sigh*

This is why I laugh whenever I hear somebody extoll the virtues of feminine compassion and maternal instinct.


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