# How do you convince him that he's hot?



## LoveBHMS (Apr 5, 2006)

I know this is the bain of the FFA's existence.

The short version. I met the cutest, sexiest BHM in the world (or at least I thought so.) I adored him, adored his body, his mind..everything. Of course his shape (cute soft tummy, round little cheeks, rosey "well fed" look on his face, chubby bottom) were what initially got me, but once I fell for him, he could have weighed 80 pounds or 800 and I would have thought he was the hottest man on earth. I even bit my tongue when he told me he was starting to work out with a trainer, never even voiced the "Don't lose too much weight" that was of course streaming through my head like a ticker tape.

All you FFA's know where this is going.

He never believed me. Never 'thought of himself as gorgeous'. Was not used to a woman telling him how attractive he was. His lack of confidence was so sad...he was the most wonderful man ever. It ended and i'm miserable.

How do other ladies deal with a man that doesn't believe you when you tell him how amazingly hot he is? How do you deal with the greater and greater frustration of admiring somebody that does not think you should admire them?


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## Amor (Apr 5, 2006)

First of all I'm so sorry that your relationship ended.  

I'm actually currently trying to figure this very same problem out, myself, and am also terrified that these issues could also bring about the end of my relationship.

I don't have a definitive answer to your question, only the suggestion of the things I'm trying now...

I always try to tell him how incredibly attractive I find him. He knows I'm an FFA (we actually met through this board) but still seems to have trouble believing that I'm for real... 

I try to touch him often (which isn't terribly hard..since I always want to)...not always, in a "sexual" manner, just in little loving gestures; holding his hand, kissing his check, rubbing his arm, maybe laying my hand on his belly, especially in public. And of course in private I hope that lots of other touching helps get the point across that I'm incredibly attracted to his body, and not just his mind.

As for the frustration that comes along with such a relationship, I'm still not really sure how to handle that. But I, for one, will continue to try to find ways to handle it...at least till it drives me to jump off a cliff...kidding...kinda...Mostly I just try to remind myself how much I love him, and that he's worth the frustration.

I believe there's also another thread very similar to this one, in which some guys have shared what helps them feel attractive/loved...that might be of some help to you, as well!


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## missaf (Apr 5, 2006)

One simple word works for me: consistency. 

Add to that a smidgin' of repetition and once in a while throw in some brutal honesty, and I think most men will come around


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 5, 2006)

I was always touching him..rubbing his handsome chubby round cheeks, stroking his hands, grabbing him, telling him how sexy he was.


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## missaf (Apr 5, 2006)

Chances are he's not ready to hear it, then. As many of our guys will testify, they don't believe women when they hear those words. You can only hope eventually he'll find an FFA to believe


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## bigdaddyj112419 (Apr 5, 2006)

Touching is a big thing for me, it seems to reinforce what is said. See saying it is one thing, somepeople just think the words are said out of love or affection and aren't really meant. You have to show it too.


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 6, 2006)

Like Amor, I never even wanted to not have my hands all over him. I actually tried to stay away from his belly and love handles because I thought it might make him nervous or uncomfortable. I also didn't want him to think I was a 'chubby chaser' who was just there because she had a fat fetish and would not have been supportive if he'd wanted to lose weight. I am not one that can't get attracted to a skinnny guy, as I said before if aimed to turn skeletal, I would have said "I love you and want to be supportive of whatever you want to do...let me take you out for a salad." 

It just broke my heart when he said he never thought of himself as gorgeous. And he was. It really says something that Amor met her boyfriend on this board and he still does not believe her that she finds him sexy.

Maybe the answer really is that what counts is being happy with yourself and until you are, you will never have a good loving relationship with another person. If he's not happy being fat, or even not just "i'd like to lose weight but I'm not going to hate myself over some extra pounds" then how can he like anyone else?


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Apr 6, 2006)

You don't know how many times this has happened to me. Over and over again, and it sucks. I have tried different approaches, none have worked so far. I've tried confidence building, I've tried anything I could think of. Truthfully I think you have a very strong point, it call comes down to if they are happy with themselves. If that is the case then it'll be easier to accept that someone else finds them attractive too. 

In the meantime if you need someone to commiserate with you, I'm here.


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## Laina (Apr 7, 2006)

Not that I've found a solution yet (god, is there one, 'cause that'd make my life sooo much easier), but I've found that my boyfriend reacts better to being SHOWN he's attractive. Being told I think he's sexy is nice, but he seems to take the--ahem--hands-on approach more seriously. ...especially in public. (Shhh! Ok, so I'm part of That Couple everyone hates who get schmoopy and flirty in the middle of a crowd.)

Plus, I get an excuse to man-handle my gorgeous boy. It's a win/win situation. =)


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## bigdaddyj112419 (Apr 7, 2006)

Laina said:


> Not that I've found a solution yet (god, is there one, 'cause that'd make my life sooo much easier), but I've found that my boyfriend reacts better to being SHOWN he's attractive. Being told I think he's sexy is nice, but he seems to take the--ahem--hands-on approach more seriously. ...especially in public. (Shhh! Ok, so I'm part of That Couple everyone hates who get schmoopy and flirty in the middle of a crowd.)
> 
> Plus, I get an excuse to man-handle my gorgeous boy. It's a win/win situation. =)




There you go, action speak way louder than words. Besides you are right it does give you the opportunity to manhandle him so to speak LOL. I bet he loves it.


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## pickleman357 (Apr 7, 2006)

Laina said:


> Not that I've found a solution yet (god, is there one, 'cause that'd make my life sooo much easier), but I've found that my boyfriend reacts better to being SHOWN he's attractive. Being told I think he's sexy is nice, but he seems to take the--ahem--hands-on approach more seriously. ...especially in public. (Shhh! Ok, so I'm part of That Couple everyone hates who get schmoopy and flirty in the middle of a crowd.)
> 
> Plus, I get an excuse to man-handle my gorgeous boy. It's a win/win situation. =)



That would work, more then likely.

What you could do if that doesn't, is just keep your hands on him constantly. To the point where he actaully asking you not to touch him because he needs to breathe. Basically you want to create this senario;
him "Could you just stop touching me for 5 minutes?"
her "But you're so hot!!"
him "*Fine*... just... give me 5 minutes to breathe... _geez _woman..."

That would work on me. Not sure about other guys. Would probably depend on him as well.
Eh. that's my 2 cents.


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## estrata (Apr 8, 2006)

Well, I'm not sure if I can help, but all I would really say is treat him the same way you would want a guy to treat you to make you feel really attractive. Guys act like they don’t need compliments and things, but they really do. Make sure you always notice his outfits, and tell him how sexy he looks in them. If he wears baggy cloths, go shopping with him and have him try on some properly fitting ones. He’ll whine, but men always whine. ^_^ Tell him how amazing he looks in them. Then if he buys them but doesn’t wear them, ask him why. Keep telling him he looks AMAZING in properly fitting cloths. The thing is, once he realizes that you like the way his body looks and you think he should show it off, he might start believing it. It will take a long time though, but just always tell him how sexy he looks.

Also bug him constantly, physically. You don’t have to do it all the time, but when you’re feeling really, REALLY attracted to him, just go after him like a wild woman (if you’re comfortable doing that). And don’t worry about him thinking you’re a “chubby chaser”. After all, he thinks most women are fit guy chasers. That’s why he doesn’t have confidence. Make him realize that there are girls, like you, who love the way he looks naturally. 

And I for one have always been an advocate of VERY open communication. Don’t hide anything. Having girl friends to confide in is wonderful, but sometimes I feel like &#8211; if you’re boyfriend is also your best friend &#8211; you will confide in him before anyone else. And that’s really the best thing. So don’t be afraid to sit him down and tell him everything you just said in this post. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel. The problem with just inventing different methods to make him feel good is that your true intentions will be lost in what he might see as pity or something else. Just sit him down and tell him how you feel. Don’t be afraid to tell him you are an FFA. And don’t assume he knows. Spell it out. Men, especially men with low confidence, can easily interpret things the wrong way. Lol. I suppose it is the same for everyone. 

But in the end, DON’T be afraid to tell him you are an FFA. And make it REALLY obvious. Never assume he just knows, unless you have actually said the words (and seriously, not joking). I mean, when he decides to work out, actually sit him down and tell him how you feel about it. That you want him to feel healthy, but if he is doing this for any other reason besides health (i.e. looks) that you really need him to know how you feel about it first. That you love his belly. It may be hard to tell him - because in the end women have been taught that we shouldn't discuss out sexual preference - but men really like to know. It really turns them on for a woman to talk about her.... sexual interests, if nothing else. ^_^ After all, he may be doing this because he thinks you’ll love his muscles. Once again, it’s good to let him know you’re a “chubby chaser”. Don’t be afraid to tell him. I mean, as a tall girl, I was more than happy to know my husband was a “leg man”.  

But obviously, in the end, the decision is his.

That’s about all. Wow that was a lot of advice. ^_^


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## Fat Gary NYC (Apr 9, 2006)

LoveBHMS said:


> How do other ladies deal with a man that doesn't believe you when you tell him how amazingly hot he is?


Well, I'm no lady :shocked: , but one idea may be to change your plan of attack.

Instead of trying to convince him that he's hot, try to get him to accept that _you_ think he is.

"I'm a hot sexy guy" is a fact that may be hard to deal with, but _"She_ thinks I'm a hot sexy guy" is an opinion that may be easier to stomach (no pun intended), even if he follows it up with "she _must_ be crazy."

But as long as he follows _that_ up with "I love her anyway," you've got it made.


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## missaf (Apr 9, 2006)

Well, I for one think Gary is a hot sexy guy, and thanks for sharing your insight into this issue


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## BigFusionNYC (Apr 9, 2006)

I guess I've been lucky in this aspect. The women I've dated I have known for a fact that they found me attractive and desireable. I wish I had that problem now, a woman trying to 'convince' me that she finds me attractive.


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## Anguisette (Apr 9, 2006)

I can only relate my own experiences, so here goes:

Ahmed doesn't look at me like he's settling. I think if you really LOOK like you want to eat him alive he's going to see it. It may take him time to accept that it's for real, but nothing helps something sink in like repetition.

I can also say that this relationship was the first time I *LIKED* having my guy look at other women. Why? They were all fat. He would flip right past the WB and put skid marks on the clicker if Queen Latifah, Mandisa, the girl who plays Suki on Gilmore Girls shows up. When we walk through the mall and his head whips around because a woman with a gigantic backside swung past... I love that. He's with ME, but when he looks... it's not at some skinny girl. (And I don't begrudge the skinny girls their looks anymore.)

Reinforce it. And if he says "do I look fat in this?" give him a dirty grin and say "oh *YEAH* baby... you *DO*!"


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## Buffetbelly (Apr 11, 2006)

This is the bane of the male FA's life too. There's no easy solution. Be sure not to press it too far, or he'll just decide you're odd. If you have another friend with a BHM partner --even a gay friend --you can double date. That might be a boost for his ego and show him it's not just you who feels that way.


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## pickleman357 (Apr 14, 2006)

Buffetbelly said:


> This is the bane of the male FA's life too. There's no easy solution. Be sure not to press it too far, or he'll just decide you're odd.



Very true, very true. Ever try and convince a woman that her fat, flappy arms are sexy? Its no easy task!


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 15, 2006)

The thing is, even if YOU think something is sexy, if they don't, it's a problem. I personally try to be slimmer because that is how i look and feel better. I would believe a man thought being heavy looked sexy, but candidly I would not care because the point is that I don't think I look or feel sexy if I'm bigger.

Maybe i just answered my own question. Even if my ex were 100% sure that I thought he was sexy, if he doesn't look how he wants, then he won't be happy. It's not right to expect somebody to look a certain way because you want them to. Just because I think he's hot doesn't mean he thinks he's hot, and the truth is it is more important what he thinks of himself.

I once dated a skinny guy who was so skinny his hipbone would poke me when we made love. I thought it was cute because he was so happy with his body and had worked hard to achieve it and was proud of it.


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## BigBawdyDame (Apr 15, 2006)

I have to agree with many of the posters. Touching is very important. When Joe and I go out, I hold his hand, put my hand on his thigh, hug him around the waist, small gestures to let him know I care. Even while we're riding in the car I usually hold his hand. And when we are at home watching televison, I sit right next to him on the couch or lay on him.


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## bigjeff6 (Apr 18, 2006)

The funny thing is, most of the women I have been with approached me first. I'm sort of shy about approaching women I find attractive for fear of rejection. But then again, I think even the skinny guys have a fear of rejection problem.


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 19, 2006)

I think maybe with BHM's though, women are more likely to worry that the man is shy due to his size and feel that he would be likely to be happy to be approched.

A fat guy may think 'nobody would want a fat guy' so the woman has to make a little extra effort. I know i did with the guy i referred to in starting this thread.


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## EvilBob (Apr 19, 2006)

I have been watching this thread for a while and thinking about responding. I guess today is a good day, as I have a few things to share.

As many of you know, I have met and fallen in love with an amazing woman through this glorious internet thing-a-ma-bob. I have been in love before, but never like this. She literally takes my breath away. I truly feel this woman is the love of my life... and that was not expected at all. But, you never know when these things may happen -- and I am thankful for her every day.

That being said, I know I am frustrating to deal with sometimes when it comes to my body -- and there are many reasons. However, she has been able to get me to overcome these issues over time, and that is an amazing thing. I thought I would share some insights as to what she does that helps me with these issues.

But why am I (and other BHMs, I am sure) so emotionally screwed up about my body?

As many posts attest, growing up fat is a very difficult thing. Kids are the nastiest little buggers in the world, and they all seem to agree that the fat kid (boy or girl) is an excellent target for venting their emotional violence. I am not throwing a pity-party here, but just saying that having this worthlessness reinforced from such a young age causes it to be very deeply rooted in the psychological make-up of fat person.

That being said, you can (and I did) develop this subtle shame about your body. I wasn't terribly shy or reclusive, but my body image riddled with self-hate - before I even realized what a body image was.

As I grew into my teens and 20s, this body-image led me to a long stretch of selecting women who were -- well -- let's say less than I should have accepted. They were fine on the outside, but emotionally crippled on the inside. This, for a big guy, is a very dangerous thing.

I am going to be a little more honest here than I think maybe I should be in public, but I want to share these things for the other guys who may not be able to tell their partners the types of things that can happen with emotionally violent women.

I have been told, quite frankly, that I am "too fat to be attractive" by a woman who said she loved me. And other women have said equally shocking things while saying how much they care for me. I have been chastised for eating too much. I have been told that I "am good to curl up with, but not really a sexy guy." I have been told "You would be so hot if you could buy clothes at normal places." I have even been told that "You have a great [sexual organ] when you can get the fat out of the way."

I would chuckle when I heard these things out of shock and stunned disbelief. But then I would end up at home, late at night, thinking that if I could only change this one thing, I would be worthy of being fully-loved - or at least loved like a real person would be loved. Unconsciously I was telling myself that I was not a real person... or somehow less than a person... when it came to my physical self.

Then, through the Grace of the Universe, I met a woman who loves me fully  and amazingly. She loves my inside AND my outside. She tells me that she loves me as I am, but that she would love me thinner or bigger... as long as it is me. I believe her, and I tear up whenever I even think about the sweet things she has said to me.

But, it is very difficult for me to overcome my own self-worth issues, so I would get very scared and nervous sometimes. Scared that, although she says she loves my body, that she is just being nice... or saying what a great girlfriend is supposed to say. I second-guess things, or worry that someone with a "sexier body" may steal her away from me. In many ways, my beautiful woman is trying to convince that hurt little boy in me that he is worthy of being loved. And sometimes, he is too scared to understand it.

So, you may ask, what is the point of all this rambling? 

There are things that she does  that she has taught me -- that make me feel VERY confident in my body. And I thought I would share the most important things in hopes that her ideas can help the others out here.

1.) Word Choice

When talking to me about my body, she uses words that make a man feel good. We love words like cute and sweet, but also try things like: strong, hot, thick, kissable, etc.

Simply touching a guy's belly and saying "I love your belly," or "You are so sexy," is great -- and appreciated -- but not enough to help shake off the years of bad body image that was reinforced by lesser women who didn't deserve to even touch me. So if you want your man to get the point, get descriptive!​
2.) Details!

This is along the same line as #1, but a little more involved. Men like details. That's a fact. So, get specific.

When you tell a guy "You are so sexy!" that is excellent to hear  and we love it ... but to a guy, that could mean you like our eyes, our voice, our personality, or anything. All of which are appreciated, and you should never stop telling your man he is sexy, but I have to say, specifics make a world of difference!

My beautiful girl told me a few things that were more specific, and it literally boosted my body-image a notch or two immediately. I won't tell you the specifics of what she said to protect her from having her intimate side exposed to the public, but I will make up a few examples to illustrate.

You could say "Seeing your strong, soft arms makes me quiver inside." Or, "Every time I see your thighs it makes me want to tear your clothes off."

Those things make the same point, but they give us details of things you like... and specifics as to WHAT you find sexy... that it is our BODY you are thinking about right then, and that you put thought into WHAT about our body you are turned on by, and not just our sexy smile or charming demeanor.​
3.) Follow Through

So, I have learned form my wonderful girl that the two things above can definitely boost my body-image and feeling of self-worth and sexiness... but how can that be maintained and grown into a permanent feeling of self-worth? Simple: Follow through.

If you want your man to feel you want him sexually, you have to take him... sexually. Maybe you are not ready for that level of intimacy... that is your call. But if you want to keep that level of confidence up in your man, then you need to make the words evident in your actions. We love the words, but if they never materialize into reality, they can be seen as simply being gestures of good will, and not serious desires on your part.​
So, that is my two cents in relaying what helps ME feel better about my body  plus a little commentary on what an amazingly hot and wonderful woman I have! LOL! But, I wont go on about it much more.. she knows she rocks.

Best to all!
EvilBob


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## estrata (Apr 19, 2006)

To EvilBob,

What a wonderful post. I actually see a lot of my husband in that post. Although he is thin, he was the youngest, and was told by everyone since he was very young that he is "stupid" and could never become anything. Now if you met him and talked to him for even a few minutes, you would never believe anyone could say this about him. He is most definitely above average intelligence. And I know one day I will really convince him of this. But as it is &#8211; besides straight up telling him how smart he is &#8211; there are little things I do all the time. Obviously they’re not the same as if he has low confidence in his body &#8211; although he thinks he is of “average” appearance as well which is so totally absurd… where am I going with this?  

Well, I think my main point is that, although it seems most of the guys on this forum grew up with low self-confidence, let me say this. It’s a good thing. I mean, I know it was hard. Hey, I grew up with a very low opinion of how I looked. When I look back, I can’t believe the things I used to think about myself. For all my highschool years, I really believed I was the ugliest girl in school. And there were over 2,000 kids at my highschool. But I believe this makes you much more receptive to a loving relationship. Because the confident person has it all &#8211; they don’t need someone to make them feel better. They like their lives the way they are - they don't want to change. But the person with low self-esteem eventually finds that other person who will make them see what an amazing person they really are. My husband and I always talk about how much confidence we have given each other. Maybe it makes us too dependant on each other, I don’t know. But I certainly think our relationship is far deeper than most people will ever experience, because we really do need eachother.

So to all the people who grew up hating themselves &#8211; who were called names and worse &#8211; who weren’t exactly in the popular crowd &#8211; we are the ones who get to have the fulfilling lives, and meet that someone who “completes us”. In a way, I think, those crappy teenager years were training to make us more compassionate, caring people who will have wonderful, fulfilling loves and lives!

Man, could that have been more corny? LOL. I always say I don’t believe in fate, but I always manage to see the bright side of things.


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## Zackariah (Apr 20, 2006)

Hmm. I second pretty much everything EvilBob said - it sounds right on.

There is one thing I would like to reiterate and stress, though. Communication. Ultimately, there is no sure-fire way to raise a BHM's (or BBW's) confidence; I think all of the suggestions made here are wonderful, but in the end, they are either ready to accept a new perspective and self image, or they aren't. I stress open communication, because a relationship is about both parties involved. 

Yes, there is a possibility that being open about your preferences may offend or chase away a significant other. I would contend, however, that if you have reached a level of closeness in the relationship where you think sharing intimate knowledge is appropriate, and yet your significant other is still doubting and second guessing your words, you are almost certainly headed for hard times. A relationship cannot remain healthy without trust. By being open about your desires, and I mean very, very open, if possible with details, descriptions, vivid compliments, the works - you at least allow yourself to catch the warning signs of a significant other who just isn't ready for intimacy.

For some reason I'm finding this hard to phrase adequately... to try and put it more simply, a relationship shouldn't be about fixing a partner. It should be about enjoying each other. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to be a positive influence, but it does mean that when it becomes clear your significant other is simply not willing or able to be happy in a relationship with you, it's time to move on. You deserve a healthy relationship.

My condolences on the lost loves; but somewhere out there, is a healthy person, who will be willing to put forth the effort to believe you when you say you love them, and when you tell them what you love about them.


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## fatman (Apr 21, 2006)

I can't answer for all the other BHM's, but for myself its like this. Growing up, the only person who ever told me I was attractive was my mother. If I tried to date I was told I was ugly, repulsive, no one would ever want me, etc. etc. So when I have been told I'm hot, I either laugh at the funny joke or just blow it off. Its hard to believe something nice when most of the comments have been negative or mean-spirited.


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## FreneticFangs (Apr 21, 2006)

Very good thinking. I always have that problem. Except for my latest ex who put on weight.. much to my delight and pleasure... every other guy is trying to "get fit"
right now I'm interested in this ~280 ( or so he claims) guy who was 360. He said he was disgusting.. but my reaction was.. "do you have any pics?" lol
*drools* I can only imagine.
Honestly, I let them be themselves.. as long as they don't become *so* skinny as to drop all their pounds, I'm happy. Besides, if they all loosing weight, it makes them active, which is a big plus in my book since I'm always up for adventure 



Fat Gary NYC said:


> Well, I'm no lady :shocked: , but one idea may be to change your plan of attack.
> 
> Instead of trying to convince him that he's hot, try to get him to accept that _you_ think he is.
> 
> ...


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## fat hiker (Apr 21, 2006)

"That being said, you can (and I did) develop this subtle shame about your body. I wasn't terribly shy or reclusive, but my body image riddled with self-hate - before I even realized what a body image was.

As I grew into my teens and 20s, this body-image led me to a long stretch of selecting women who were -- well -- let's say less than I should have accepted. They were fine on the outside, but emotionally crippled on the inside. This, for a big guy, is a very dangerous thing."

Amen, evilbob, big brother o' mine! That was me too, when I was in the dating pool at all - until several wonderful women (who I met over the internet) straightened me out. Self-acceptance is the first step, but for many BHMs also very difficult....

Over on the MSN group Shirts are Optional Guys, there's a guy trying to encourage fat guys to post their shirtless photos. Fortunately the group's moderator works hard to keep it "size neutral".


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## estrata (Apr 21, 2006)

I think I went over this is my other post, but I just want to point out the fact that many people suffer from poor body image. Like I said, I was a 6’3” thin girl. I honestly always thought I was extremely ugly until I met my husband, and he tells me literally every day how beautiful I am. Now I’m amazed at what I used to think. If I hadn’t met him, I would still be in the position I was then.

So it’s all about meeting the right person, and avoiding people who don't make you feel amazing. And whether you are skinny or fat, short or tall, it’s always possible to have insane thoughts about how you look. You could loose weight and still consider yourselve unattractive. You have to learn to love yourself as you are, and it's often hard without someone there telling you how sexy you are. And moms don't count.  

And fyi, most people only get told they’re attractive by their moms. Unless they are model gorgeous, most people don’t go out of their way to tell someone they are attractive. So if you have never been told you are attractive by anyone except your mother, that does not mean you aren't attractive. All I was told when I was young was that I was too thin and too tall. And that means you’re “different” in Wisconsin.


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 22, 2006)

There was a lot of good insight here from people of both genders and all sizes. I guess it sounds so trite, and it's what everyone hears from the time you're a kid, but it all comes down to self confidence and liking yourself. Beyond that, especially once you get older it is up to you to take control of your life and your problems and realize how much control you really do have over how you look, how you act, and how others react to you.

As I've posted, I prefer being smaller, so I got up and worked out today...and that makes me happy and it's totally within my control. How somebody else chooses to look or what body they choose to live in, that is up to them. I think what I've learned is that my question, "How do I convince him he's hot" was off. I can't convince him. If he is not happy with himself then there is nothing I can do to change that, it has to come from within.


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## Bly_guy (Apr 23, 2006)

I guess I'm also in that same boat..

With the ladies, I don't think I have any kind of chance, so I tend to be ..you know, "flirty-funny" as a defense mechanism so if the lady doesn't respond like I'd hope, I can shrug it off as a joke.

It's also a self-image thing- I used to be quite thin just before my teenage years (13-15) and then I got quite fat (half willingly, half "eating my emotions"). So I still have trouble picturing myself as I am really.


For me, just telling me I look good would probably be a big step 
Also, in a weird way, I think shopping for clothes that she'd like would be very...interesting !


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## estrata (Apr 23, 2006)

Totally. I always make my hubby pick out my clothes, because I always end up buying things that are too baggy and just aren't flattering.

That's a good point. It's good to get your partner to buy your clothes. If you have the money, get rid of all your baggy clothes you picked out and have them buy you a whole new wardrobe. I always tell people - fashion is about appealing to the opposite sex, so if I let my hubby pick out my clothes I'll always be fashionable!


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## Morbid (Apr 25, 2006)

I understand how a big man feels... I am 6'1" 430 lbs and I am sorry ladies but I dont think I look good.. I guess its also the fact I have heard for so many years that I am fat, disgusting and ugly.. even by family and women I have dated. but since I have started coming in here (1999) I am learning (slowly mind you) that I might be good looking to some women you know. 

with the help of people I have met on the chat and reading these posting I now realize that there are women who like fat guys. I never kne they exsisted but I am glad to know they are out there.. gives Me hope..

thanks for listening to me..

Morbid 

Master_ofthe_blackmagic on YIM

the pic is a pic of me... the best one i own 

View attachment morbid.jpg


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## PrettyKitty (May 31, 2006)

I have a couple of really good friends that I consider to be BHM. I always tell them that I think they are hot and cute, but they don't buy it. Especially one of them. If I tell him that he is very handsome or a good looking man he'll right away tell me "no" or "that's not true"...it upsets me. But, in a way I know he has to like it. He has told me that no one has ever thought of him like that before. 
I say it because it's true, but if it helps to boost his confidence, too? Then that is great. They are sexy in my eyes.


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## Morbid (May 31, 2006)

LoveBHMS said:


> I think maybe with BHM's though, women are more likely to worry that the man is shy due to his size and feel that he would be likely to be happy to be approched.
> 
> A fat guy may think 'nobody would want a fat guy' so the woman has to make a little extra effort. I know i did with the guy i referred to in starting this thread.




well I know this for a fact.. I don't like being My size... I keep feeling like women don't want big man when I see alot of bigger girls with skinny guys (not that its wrong) but I love bbws... 

as a big man I notice all of these pay sites and dating sites for bbws ..whats really out there for BHMS.. not much really.. I dont understand that either... cause I know in italy the bigger the man the more hes respected and worshipped by women... but in the Us.. if you're not 6'4" with a 6 pack you have a difficult time getting a woman (or at least a woman who remains faithful) .. maybe I'm just being negative.. I get told I'm a good looking man.. are they really looking at Me.. cause when i look in the mirror .. i want to throw up ....

Morbid :bow:


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## missaf (May 31, 2006)

Morbid, you are truly an attractive guy on the outside. What I think needs to change is what's on the inside more than anything else. It's not just about how hawt you are, it's about your self confidence. If you're not happy with how you look, and down on yourself, that's going to affect how others see you. One of the most attractive things to women is confidence, the knowledge that he knows what he wants and is happy inside his skin. 

If you work on that, I guarantee you'll be more happy with yourself, and find that you'll have a lot more women flirting with you


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## JustPlainJim (Jun 4, 2006)

I know this is a bit late, but for me...

what convinced me that just becuase I'm big doesn't mean I'm ugly was... artists and the commetns they were getting. A friend of mine draws a lot of BHMs, and when I went to his page and saw all the comments about how 'hot' the pics were... and it dawned on me that... well... I wasn't ugly becuase of my size. 

(For me, it was kinda easy since I was into big girls... Yeah, a guy into big girls made prefect sense, but a girl into big guys was insane at the time. ^_^;; )


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## MickRidem (Jun 4, 2006)

My husband empowered himself on top of my compliments and sexy advances. What worked for him was going to the gym not only to stay healthy, but to pump iron. He now equates BIG with strong and powerful, and he's really enjoying it - and I still get to enjoy the squishy tummy! Win win!

A good looking man is only made better by a gorgeous belly.


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## fat hiker (Jun 15, 2006)

Morbid, why would you date a woman who tells you that you are digusting. You wrote, "I guess its also the fact I have heard for so many years that I am fat, disgusting and ugly.. even by family and women I have dated." Dump them, man, get with someone who loves you!


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## Morbid (Jun 15, 2006)

fat hiker said:


> Morbid, why would you date a woman who tells you that you are digusting. You wrote, "I guess its also the fact I have heard for so many years that I am fat, disgusting and ugly.. even by family and women I have dated." Dump them, man, get with someone who loves you!




I have tried... I'm not saying it was all of them cause it wasnt.. but those words werent coming out of thier mouths UNTILL we were already together and then it came out.. which makes me wonder why they said yes to date me...

hummmmm

Morbid


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 19, 2006)

Some women date large men because they are FFA's and truly have either a fetish or a preference. Some women just date 'a guy' and don't much care about size, a woman or women may have dated you for other reasons, ranging from having good chemistry with you, common interests, being the types whose dating philosophy is to give everyone a chance, or any number of reasons.

If other problems developed in the relationship [and i don't know, as i said i'm just hypothesizing] they may have decided to attack you with something that they knew would hurt your feelings, such as your size. Maybe you hurt them by some means, and they 'got back at you' in a way they knew would be painful. The man about whom this thread was written, by the time things ended, hurt me terribly in many ways. He lied to me, made hurtful comments about my work, didn't call when he said he would, and cancelled dates at the last minute. Knowing he didn't like being fat, would I have considered saying something mean and critical about his weight? Yes. Not because i thought he was ugly or disgusting, but because I knew it would hurt him as much as being lied to and neglected hurt me.


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## Mercedes (Jun 26, 2006)

It's even more difficult when the girl is skinny...

I'm some 125lbs and I had a boyfriend who loved to eat and really gained quickly. That was ok for him, even though I never actually told him I had feeder fantasies.

I was in my 7th heaven! He was very beautiful. Soft and chubby all over, arms, thighs, ass, belly.... And he had the cutest baby face ever (so far there's one BHM here with such a pretty face!:smitten: If you're reading this post you should know  )

Trouble started when he got negative feedback from family and friends. He had been 160lbs and in about 2 years he was 230lbs, at 5'6".

He got obsessed that he had become ugly, and wanted to diet and lose the weight. I told him I loved him the way he was. At first he thought I was just being kind. When I pressed the issue further... guess what... he started thinking I was doing it somewhat on purpose, like wanting him to be 'ugly'.  And he used to tell me 'how can you say fat is beautiful if you're skinny yourself?'

That had been the end of my fairy-tale relationship... not only he wasn't convinced I was telling the truth, he thought I was doing it on purpose for like so that he won't be attractive to other girls or whatever his mind thought...


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 26, 2006)

How often do we read about men [and it is usually men] sabotaging their partner's diet/exercise plans because they are afraid she will become attractive to other men and leave him?

For your boyfriend to think this of you is really insulting...is he saying that you are so insecure and disrespectful of him that you want him to be [in his mind] unattractive so nobody else would want him? Who wouldn't rather have a partner they're proud of...who other people look at and say "Lucky her!" then somebody so gross that nobody else wants them.

It's sadly understandable that a man doesn't believe he's sexy when he's big, after all the messages he gets about the way he looks run about 1[you] to 45679 [the media, society, friends and family, etc.]. However, he should respect you enough to trust what you tell him about your feelings towards his size. He may not agree, he may even say "I understand you find this attractive, but I don't like looking this way, so I'm going to try to lose weight, I love you and hope you'll still be attracted to me."


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## AZ_Wolf (Jun 26, 2006)

LoveBHMS said:


> For your boyfriend to think this of you is really insulting...is he saying that you are so insecure and disrespectful of him that you want him to be [in his mind] unattractive so nobody else would want him? Who wouldn't rather have a partner they're proud of...who other people look at and say "Lucky her!" then somebody so gross that nobody else wants them.




It's certainly insulting. And two people in a relationship should certainly trust in their partners and also feel that both are open enough with each other that this wouldn't even be possible.

As for the issue of people wanting a partner they're proud of, etc. -- it's not clear if you were saying was a good or bad thing, but I *do* think that this isn't something anyone can expect FFAs to even consider, mainly because while they may well be proud of their partner, very few other "random people on the street" will say, "Lucky her!" because their attitudes on what is physically attractive is in lockstep with the media, etc. and there's no way she can't know and expect that.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 26, 2006)

What I meant is that it's silly to think that somebody would want an unattractive partner merely so nobody else would want that partner.

I was really referring to men/women who sabotage a partner's diet for those purposes. If you ask a partner not to lose weight because you like them larger, that's different from asking them not to lose weight because you think it looks un-attractive BUT you want others to think so too, and not approch them.

If your thinking is "If you're fat, you're ugly and nobody else would want you, that's a good thing because I don't want you to be able to leave me" that is a pitiful indication of insecurity, lack of trust in the partner's love for you, and disrespect for your partner's desire to look how s/he wants to.


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## AZ_Wolf (Jun 27, 2006)

In that case, I couldn't agree more. Absolutely.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 27, 2006)

It's also a horrendous indication of low self esteem. You're basically saying "You are only with me because you have to be, because nobody else would want you." That a terrible way to think about both yourself and your partner. You think somebody is only with you because they're "stuck" with you? You think the only way for you to have a partner is to find somebody that nobody else wants? If you think that way, you should ditch the relationship and hit the therapist's office for a LONG time.

Additionally, if your partner is thinking "I'm only with him/her because nobody else wants me" then they don't think highly of you. It's not "I'm with you because I like you" but "I'm with you because nobody else would want me." Either way, a super unhealthy and sad situation.

It is also easier, somewhat for FFA's then for FA's. Men are judged more on achievements/money/success then on looks. If I were with an obese multi-millionaire stock trader, nobody would say anything about it.

I really can't envision a woman telling her partner "I wish you'd get a job as a stockboy at the supermarket" so that nobody else will want to date you.


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## AZ_Wolf (Jun 27, 2006)

Perhaps not, but after I gained some weight (and was quite a bit slimmer than now) my then-wife said to me, expressing her displeasure at my gaining weight, "I want to be seen next to someone as attractive as me."

Nothing like hearing that from your spouse.

Fortunately I knew we weren't destined to last no matter what, and I was clear-headed enough to know that and the losses were very minimal beyond time.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 27, 2006)

"And I want to be married to somebody with some class and tact."

Now, realistically, there is no more anything wrong with her not liking a fat guy then there is with other women liking fat guys. Some women don't like it, some women have a fetish and NEED it, and some women don't care. It is normal to be judged by your partner, and despite the fact that we're all encouraged to put on the bravado of "I don't care what people think"....we do care what people think. Women are naturally competitive, maybe she wanted the pride of being next to a man that other women would look and be jealous of her, but I feel that way about my designer purse.

Also, just as the women on here like BHM's, some women simply don't. There is nothing wrong or politically incorrect about that. It's just their preference. It doesn't mean they've been brainwashed by society. I got up this morning and did situps because I think I look and feel better when I'm smaller, not because society brainwashed me. If your wife was attracted to you one way and then you looked a different way, you can't get angry at her for that.

However, she could have had a conversation in a non-threatening and polite and respectful way.


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## AZ_Wolf (Jun 27, 2006)

She didn't say anything until she'd made her decision. Given I was a pretty regular gym rat before we were married, if she'd said something I could have stopped. But as I said, I learned not long after we were together, it was a lost cause for reasons I won't go into here.

So today, I feel good. And I've moved on, but I am still wary of women who talk about how they look with their guys if they use many negative adjectives, even when it has nothing to do with me.


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## SisterGoldenHair (Jun 28, 2006)

Mercedes said:


> It's even more difficult when the girl is skinny...
> 
> I'm some 125lbs and I had a boyfriend who loved to eat and really gained quickly. That was ok for him, even though I never actually told him I had feeder fantasies.
> 
> ...




oh you poor thing! that's a terrible thing to have a love affair end over.  what an awful waste. ::hug:: oh you poor poor thing! i never really thought of the possibility of something like that, now i realize how lucky i am with my own boyfriend...


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