# Coming Out: Experiences, Stories and Advice Thread



## James

Each FA has a 'coming out' story. These stories involve parents, friends, co-workers and many others. For some its easy but for most its a tough process that requires some inner strength to make the leap of faith. In spite of this, I have yet to hear a 'coming out' story that has ended in regret.

For some, that story has already happened and for others it yet to occur. I figure that when I was a younger bloke, I would have appreciated the chance to read a thread that chronicled the experiences of others like me. So along those lines, post your 'coming out' experiences (or your questions, as an FA, about your problems with coming out?) here...


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## Cors

Hmm, I have never actually felt the need to consciously come out as an FA or at least, it isn't as scary and significant as coming out as a lesbian. I guess the narrow-minded people around me are so obsessed about the gender, age (I like much older women) and race (I usually end up dating outside my race for various reasons) of my dates that size is a non-issue. It has always been easy to dismiss the people who do complain anyway - mostly rejected thinner women, straight guys who are unhappy that I ruined their porno lesbian fantasy and people especially other Asians who obviously have a skewed concept of size. I suppose it helps that I have fairly thick skin too.


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## bmann0413

Well, when I came out, my family was suprisingly accepting of it. Some of the people I knew back at Louisiana Tech were too. But others, I have to say that they weren't that supportive. Some called me "whale lover" and "fatty f***er". Now I don't really associate with those people anymore.

One thing that was a little fun though was when three of my schoolmates (all girls) had asked me exactly my preference is about. I had to explain it to them at least three times until they finally understood.


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## stan_der_man

My "coming out" so to speak really took place over many years. I simply made it a habit of dating fat girls. My friends and family eventually figured out my preference by the example I set. I wasn't particularly proactive in advocating my preference, but when asked I would make it clear that found fat women attractive.

Being a FA doesn't have to be a traumatic experience. Just follow your heart, don't hide your preference, treat those whom you admire with respect and you'll do alright in the long run. The sooner you are an "outed" FA, the sooner you'll be able to fully enjoy your preference and all the good things life has to offer.


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## James

fa_man_stan said:


> My "coming out" so to speak really took place over many years...



I can relate to that experience. For me, the process really began via the internet (about 10 years ago) where I first realized that I wasn't a unique oddity or alone in my aesthetic. This gave me the basis of confidence to begin to discuss things with my parents and close friends. 

Whilst my parents were initially horrified, labeling my aesthetic as a passing phase that I would 'hopefully' outgrow, the reaction of my friends was nowhere near as negative as I'd presumed it might be. 

I think 'outness' can be defined as the degree of comfort feels in one's skin... essentially 'being oneself'. In my early 20s, as with most people, my sense of self began to develop and I think it was critical that whilst that was happening, I'd already confronted myself and acknowledged the questions that FAs invariably have to ask themselves (i.e. is this aesthetic set? *Yes*... does this mean that I will be sabotaging a potential partner's desire to be thin by expressing it? *No*... etc. etc.). I think that in general, the earlier that one faces up to oneself and figures all this kind of stuff out, the better the outcomes will be. 

Also, over time, it became obvious to all that my dating preferences were exclusively in the range of 'big'. To a large extent, this went uncommented upon amongst my peers. That said, I think I define truly being 'out' as when I reached a point of confidently holding discussion on the subject amongst friends and family... and even strangers if they saw fit to comment on it? This really didn't materialize in a vacuum for me. It took time and the experience to really become 100% 'ok' with myself. I think one of the key things that bolstered this along the way was meeting and befriending other FAs. In fact, I'd recommend to anyone in the closet that this one part of the process alone will enable them to leap forward towards 'coming out'.


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## bexy

James said:


> *Each FA has a 'coming out' story*. These stories involve parents, friends, co-workers and many others. For some its easy but for most its a tough process that requires some inner strength to make the leap of faith. In spite of this, I have yet to hear a 'coming out' story that has ended in regret.
> 
> For some, that story has already happened and for others it yet to occur. I figure that when I was a younger bloke, I would have appreciated the chance to read a thread that chronicled the experiences of others like me. So along those lines, post your 'coming out' experiences (or your questions, as an FA, about your problems with coming out?) here...



In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this _really_ the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point? 
It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."

Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?

Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.


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## stan_der_man

bexy said:


> ...
> It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."
> 
> Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?
> 
> Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.



You do have a good point Bexy... I think stating it in terms of "coming out as a FA" can be an inexact way to put it. In many cases it's simply realizing that one is a FA. This thread does also have overlap with other threads discussing when one came to terms or simply realized they were a FA. I think (certainly in my case...) "coming out" as a FA is often times synonymous with "realizing" that one is a FA. There doesn't have to be any sort of "day of reckoning", or big epiphany that takes place. At some point in their lives a person can simply realize that they are attracted to fat people... and that's all there is to it.


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## MisterGuy

> Originally Posted by bexy View Post
> ...
> It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."
> 
> Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?
> 
> Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.



I have to say, I feel the same way. I realize everyone's relationship with their family is different, but it never would have occurred to me, for a millisecond, to sit down with my dad and be like, "Dad, I have a horrible secret--I like fatties." He wouldn't have cared and it's not like I needed advice about it. 

I dunno, I hear this "coming out" thing a lot around here. It strikes me as strange. Like, don't you, at some point, whenever that is, just start dating fat girls and then you're kind of "out?" I'll admit that it's taken me until now, early 30s, to totally be comfortable with it and know that I'll never date thin women again. But I never felt the need to make a grand pronouncement about who I found attractive, either.


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## Haunted

bexy said:


> In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this _really_ the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
> It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."
> 
> Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?
> 
> Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.


I agree with stan, although i did at one point sort of announce to a few friends that i preferred "Fatties" I spent my entire adolescence intrigued by big woman, i never understood it never put it together that it was a preference. but when i got online and i found out about bbw's it all started to make more sense. i spent alot of time discovering things about myself with this new found information. I knew i was drawn to Fat but ddn't know why, 

My so called coming out (honestly i hate calling it this) anyway i met someone online, we became friends etc (it's been posted before) but i ended up leaving my wife. so when i explained to friends what was going on and what prompted the separation, part of the explanation was that i preferred fat woman and i had met someone who was not only really fat but also my soul mate. did i have to tell them she was fat? probably not, but they were prepared when they met my girlfriend who was twice the size of my ex. and there was no whispering snickering or gossip about OMG he left her for a huge chick. 

and surprisingly a couple friends just looked at me and said "I Know Dude" and went back to their drinks. My mom on the other hand was most people she didn't understand how it's a preference. 

this FA thing is fine line i don't want to say i love her because she's fat (I'd love her at any size) and it's definitely not that i love her in spite of her fat. It's more like I desire her because she's fat, and i love that i can caress squeeze, and enjoy her body without her being uncomfortable about it. I think this is where an open BBW/FA relationship becomes deeper than others there is an understanding between both that what the other sees is beautiful whether you see it in yourself or not. 

sorry i got of on a tangent i may keep this line of thinking going on another thread so as not to risk hijacking this one.


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## Jon Blaze

MisterGuy said:


> I have to say, I feel the same way. I realize everyone's relationship with their family is different, but it never would have occurred to me, for a millisecond, to sit down with my dad and be like, "Dad, I have a horrible secret--I like fatties." He wouldn't have cared and it's not like I needed advice about it.
> 
> I dunno, I hear this "coming out" thing a lot around here. It strikes me as strange. Like, don't you, at some point, whenever that is, just start dating fat girls and then you're kind of "out?" I'll admit that it's taken me until now, early 30s, to totally be comfortable with it and know that I'll never date thin women again. But I never felt the need to make a grand pronouncement about who I found attractive, either.



Well "Coming out" can mean many things. For me it wasn't so much that I came out in one moment as it was me being true to others about everything. If you would have asked me when I was 12 if I liked fat women, I'd deny it until the cows come home. 

Now after nearly 10 years of what my parents thought was just a "Phase," it's gotten to the point that I would never lie about it, and am often willing to educate people on my personal spin on the trait. 

As we know, unfortunately, some people do date/shag fat people, yet try to hide it, and that still qualifies as "Closeted" in my book for example. To me, you have to have both.


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## James

Jon Blaze said:


> As we know, unfortunately, some people do date/shag fat people, yet try to hide it, and that still qualifies as "Closeted" in my book for example. To me, you have to have both.



I'm going to agree with this. Simply dating a BBW doesn't mean you're comfortable and 'out' as an FA. It can be a step in the right direction but if you don't incorporate your sexuality into your normal life then you're likely to hurt people (as well as yourself) along the way...


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## MisterGuy

James said:


> I'm going to agree with this. Simply dating a BBW doesn't mean you're comfortable and 'out' as an FA. It can be a step in the right direction but if you don't incorporate your sexuality into your normal life then you're likely to hurt people (as well as yourself) along the way...



Explain how you can be dating, i.e. doing things in public on a regular basis, a fat girl and still be in the closet. This seems like the definition of not being in the closet.


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## MisterGuy

Just realized that we're probably using the word "dating" in two different ways...


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## James

MisterGuy said:


> Explain how you can be dating, i.e. doing things in public on a regular basis, a fat girl and still be in the closet. This seems like the definition of not being in the closet.



In my opinion (and I'm quite open to hearing the points of view of others on this), dating someone, whether its publicly or not, doesn't equal being out of the closet. Dating someone and being ok with them hanging out with your friends, meeting your family and co-workers (if you hang out with co-workers?) etc... seems more like being out of the closet to me... 

essentially, dating someone can occur whilst also living a second (non fat-positive) life in parallel at the same time... if one is doing that... then they aren't 'out' IMO.


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## thatgirl08

I think it's possible to be dating a fat girl but not be out of the closet.

First of all, you can simply go on dates in public but not show affection towards her or anything. Or you could go on dates in public and show affection while around strangers but avoid showing her to family, friends, coworkers, etc. And, of course, there's guys who date or sleep with fat girls but use excuses like "I'm not shallow.. I like her personality" or all the stupid excuses guys use to fuck fatties.. they give good blowjobs, they're easy, whatever. Rather than admitting they are attracted they use some sort of excuse.


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## TotallyReal

Just fucking date fat girls and if anyone gives you beef pummel them senseless with a folding chair and take their Intercontinental Title Belt


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## Cors

thatgirl08 said:


> I think it's possible to be dating a fat girl but not be out of the closet.
> 
> First of all, you can simply go on dates in public but not show affection towards her or anything. Or you could go on dates in public and show affection while around strangers but avoid showing her to family, friends, coworkers, etc. And, of course, there's guys who date or sleep with fat girls but use excuses like "I'm not shallow.. I like her personality" or all the stupid excuses guys use to fuck fatties.. they give good blowjobs, they're easy, whatever. Rather than admitting they are attracted they use some sort of excuse.



That kind of FA is the worst! They remind me of closeted lesbians - gotta love how they run a mile from you whenever they see a familiar face and then try to pass you off as a sister or best friend when confronted. 

I guess most people find it hard to believe that one can prefer someone who is more than just curvy. My friends initially made me out to be some kind of saint when they saw how big my ex was and it took a long time before they finally accepted that I actually find fat girls attractive. Even then many of them still see it as a joke and some sort of fetish.

To minimise chances of my friends and family being shocked by my date's size, I usually just show them a picture of me and her together which is something I would do if I am dating a smaller person anyway. If we are all supposed to get together, I will offer to make plans so I can ensure that my date's needs (extra sitting space, limited walking) can be properly met. If they insist on going someplace that does not accomodate her needs eg. a theatre known for tiny seats or a restaurant where only booths are available, I will gently and firmly tell them why though I sometimes make up an excuse to save her embarrassment.


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## bdog

bexy said:


> In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this _really_ the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
> It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."
> 
> Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?
> 
> Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.




The degree to which one needs to come out is the degree to which one was shamed in to the closet in the first place. Your mileage may vary.

In my experience it wasn't always easy being an FA, but the best way to develop poise is to be knocked around a bit. 

Heh.. there's also the fact that making your preference known means you're far more likely to get set up with a girl you're actually attracted to. 

-bdog


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## Carrie

bdog said:


> Heh.. there's also the fact that making your preference known means you're far more likely to get set up with a girl you're actually attracted to.
> 
> -bdog


That's refreshing to hear. I've heard so many FAs say their family and friends continue to set them up with thin girls after becoming aware of their orientation/preference/whatever, almost as if they can be.... I don't know, reprogrammed? I suppose it's just a form of denial on their part, or maybe disbelief. 

Anyway, yay for quality setups!


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## Jon Blaze

Carrie said:


> That's refreshing to hear. I've heard so many FAs say their family and friends continue to set them up with thin girls after becoming aware of their orientation/preference/whatever, almost as if they can be.... I don't know, reprogrammed? I suppose it's just a form of denial on their part, or maybe disbelief.
> 
> Anyway, yay for quality setups!



It improves sometimes I guess. I.e. Even though my sister still doesn't understand how I do it, lately if I were not to go to a club with her and my other sisters, she would say things like "That place had a bunch of sexy thick girls Jon!," which is fine either way, but I still find it accommodating at times because she thinks of it. Heheh


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## philosobear

A whole scrunchy bunch of situations- A girlfriend I really shouldn't have come out to, as it mixed really badly with her existing body image issues-she was small and desperately wanted to be smaller. She would have just been happier not knowing. 

A pair of close friends who are a bit fat phobic- have to make some effort to stand up for my preference here, as we share so much on other levels that I can't stand not being honest with them. 

Two family members who are obviously an FA/FFA mutually fat couple. Just turned up with a fat girl one day, mutual nods of approval, nuff said! 

A colleague who was always complaining about her squidgy belly and drawing attention to it. It was so obvious that she enjoyed being fat and was an FFA that one day we just called a spade a spade with a sheepish grin. But actually that kind of unspoken subtext is so much fun that we keep up the pretense- she's left to do some more training, but on a return visit she gave me a squeezy hug and beamingly congratulated me for losing weight...when I really, really hadn't! 

I'd like to find more male friends with an open preference in real life. I've had a couple but wasn't very close to them. 

I dunno, I suppose what I'm saying is it's different in different situations. Sometimes it's great, sometimes people hate it, sometimes it's important to do, sometimes genuinely better not to. 

I suppose I would modify the question to 'what was your most significant coming out moment?'

I mean, in general, it's good to come out. It does help you get comfortable in your own skin. But also, if I'm giving any suggestions it would be to ask yourself 'how is the person I'm talking to going to hear this? Given where they're at, does it make it more or less important, or or even a bad idea, to say this? If I am going to say/do this, how's it actually going to work?


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## LoveBHMS

bexy said:


> In reference to the bolded part, I just wondered is this _really_ the case? I have been out with a number of people who only fancy/date fat girls, and am now engaged to one! But I have never, ever known any of them to "come out". I think it's strange to think that a preference would have to be explained like this....am I missing the point?
> It really does intrigue me that anyone would feel the need to "come out" about fancying fat people. Can anyone enlighten me a little? Am I just being naive? I just think it's a bit, I dunno, over the top maybe? To have to actually go "Mum, Dad, I like fatties..."
> 
> Not trying to be negative in any way, just wondering if it really is the case and why people feel the need to do it?
> 
> Thanks for replies in advance, I really do want to understand this more.



Right. I don't have any coming out story, per se. I've mentioned it a couple of new times in situations where it was relevent or if somebody asked me. Such as when I started dating a guy from Dims and had to explain to my friend how we met. Entire conversation:

*Me: I met this new guy online. Not a dating site, it's for people who like fat men/women and I'm into fat guys.

Friend: Really? I don't like fat guys, I like skinny guys.

Me: Cool...let's order drinks

Friend: Yeah.*

When I showed my mom a picture of a guy i'd dated who she had not met:

*Mom: Oh, you know I just realized this but you're into fat guys

Me: Yeah.*

When I started my current job and a fat guy would come into the bar:
*
Me: Ooooh, that guy is hot. That's my thing.

Coworker: Oh, you're a chubby chaser?

Me: Yeah, I like fat guys.

Coworker: Oh yeah, I went to college with a guy who was into fat chicks, I guess it's just what some people are into.*

In conclusion, as i've said before, other people's sexual preferences are by and large not interesting.


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## bdog

LoveBHMS said:


> In conclusion, as i've said before, other people's sexual preferences are by and large not interesting.



I find other people's sexual preferences incredibly fascinating!!


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## mergirl

Well by comming out, i dont mean i hired out a hall and gathered all my friends together while i got up on stage high kicking in feather boa and stockings singing 'fat bottomed girls'.. and wound down by sitting on the stage in a sandra bernhard chatty way and explained my Fa'ness. If someone asks "what kind of women do you like" i shall say- "Fat ones mainly cheers". If someone asks "why do you always date fat woman" i shall say " Cause i LIKE EM!!" if anyone says "hmm i dont think so and so celeb/real life person is hot cause they are fat" I shall say "What a fucking fool for fat people are THE shit" and so on.. I guess what i'm saying is ..because its pretty obvious when you like fat people because ..well you date fat people, there is less need to do the whole 'comming out' thing. I think though, if you deny your preference when asked thats the opposite of 'out'..so comming out might just be confirming your sexual preferences to those who ask. To be honest i forget i'm an Fa on the whole and its not at the forefront of my mind all the time so i dont come out to every new person i meet (same goes for my gender sexuality). Actually its funny because i have some freinds that i hadn't seen for quite a few years (we all kinna fell out for some stupid teenagerish reasons) ...aaanyway..we met up in a pub with some of my newer friends one of which said "Oh lisa only fancies fat people" ..So, i guess i have been 'outed'.. my school friends were like "oh really". I said 'Yeah, its called being an Fa" and one said "REALLY?? what ?? LIKE in feed?" I said "No..not exactly". Comming out is boring and time consuming..people should just open their eyes and get with the picture!


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## Blockierer

*Coming out*
is a lifelong job for FAs. Two weeks ago a colleague said to me after girl watching: "You are a big-fan". I guess he doesn't know that I have a fat wife, but I'm not sure.  
I think everytime I'm holding hands with my wife in public that is a coming out.


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## kioewen

Blockierer said:


> *Coming out* is a lifelong job for FAs.



Since this is a place of open and honest debate, I don't comprehend the above statement, nor even this thread. I fully accept that people seem to have these issues, but it certainly isn't the case with everyone.

For some people, if they find a body type attractive, that's their lived experience. It's who they pursue. They defend that body type against attacks upon it, or upon the women who inhabit that body type -- hopefully not too angrily, but clearly and insistently -- just as they would defend their tastes in art, music, or whatever, that go against the grain and offend the majority.

It's not a matter of self-congratulatory "bravery," because "bravery" implies a struggle, and for some people, there is no struggle. It's just not caring that much about what other people think, and knowing that just became the majority of people believe something, that definitely doesn't make it right. If anything, it makes it likely wrong.

I guess my question would be, *Why would anyone ever be "in"? *That is, "in" in the way that "in" is being described in this thread (although I've always rejected the terminology associations with same-sex attraction, and still do). 

What, is the approval of "friends" so important? Is there a belief that because most people seem to think a certain way, and the media pushes a certain standard, that that must be correct, and you're wrong? Why would anyone think that way, and hold their own opinions and tastes in such low regard?

That's what I don't understand. What's the basis of this seeming pressure to be "in"?


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## The Fez

I never 'came out' as such, but friends of mine noticed my preference around the time one of them got my password, looked through my emails and saw my registration to dims. Nobody judged though, as the guy who found me on here said, we all have our vices (he has a foot fetish for eg).

I'm still clueless as to whether my parents know or not, I think they might but it's never seemed like a big enough deal to bring up.


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## Jon Blaze

Blockierer said:


> *Coming out*
> is a lifelong job for FAs. Two weeks ago a colleague said to me after girl watching: "You are a big-fan". I guess he doesn't know that I have a fat wife, but I'm not sure.
> I think everytime I'm holding hands with my wife in public that is a coming out.



Actions can definitely speak louder than words.


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## chicken legs

My preference for the larger form was never hid but..being able to conversate with someone i am attracted to is still a work in progress.

Hopefully i can go from "grrrrrrr" to "hello"...lol


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## blackghost75

As an Fa,I've never had to come out to anyone. I tell people my preference and if they have a problem with it,then they need to get over it.


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## 1300 Class

kioewen said:


> Since this is a place of open and honest debate, I don't comprehend the above statement, nor even this thread. I fully accept that people seem to have these issues, but it certainly isn't the case with everyone.
> 
> For some people, if they find a body type attractive, that's their lived experience. It's who they pursue. They defend that body type against attacks upon it, or upon the women who inhabit that body type -- hopefully not too angrily, but clearly and insistently -- just as they would defend their tastes in art, music, or whatever, that go against the grain and offend the majority.
> 
> It's not a matter of self-congratulatory "bravery," because "bravery" implies a struggle, and for some people, there is no struggle. It's just not caring that much about what other people think, and knowing that just became the majority of people believe something, that definitely doesn't make it right. If anything, it makes it likely wrong.
> 
> I guess my question would be, *Why would anyone ever be "in"? *That is, "in" in the way that "in" is being described in this thread (although I've always rejected the terminology associations with same-sex attraction, and still do).
> 
> What, is the approval of "friends" so important? Is there a belief that because most people seem to think a certain way, and the media pushes a certain standard, that that must be correct, and you're wrong? Why would anyone think that way, and hold their own opinions and tastes in such low regard?
> 
> That's what I don't understand. What's the basis of this seeming pressure to be "in"?


Yup, 100% agree. Well, thats been my experience and thoughts on the matter.


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## Clonenumber47

If anyone ever said that the act of "coming out" was easy, they are wrong. I wont lie, it's hard, very hard, but the relief you feel afterward is well worth it.

I was in the closet / "In the pantry" about my preference from when I was 14 till when I was 22. I was always afraid of what others might say or do. I was afraid of the confrontation with my parents. I was afraid my friends would think less of me. Heck, I was afraid to admit it to myself at some points.

I was raised in a very conservative style / reserved household (odd since my parents and I are quite liberal most times). My father especially, is the one who instilled this mindset of being fat is ugly and wrong. I was raised in an environment where Fat was a cursed word, you couldn't say it or even whisper it without a derogatory tone over-layed.

I realized I was an FA by the time I was 14, obviously not know the proper terms for such things. But my preference was indeed there, but hidden. 

Throughout high school, my serious relationships were always with BBW's. For five years I dated one, sad fact was that she was a self-hating BBW, and regardless of how beautiful I told her she was, she still hated the way she looked, and thought less of me for liking it. So my preference became the "500 lb gorilla in the corner no one talks about" in regards to the relationship. As you can plainly see, this environment would have pushed me further into the closet.

After ending the 5 year relationship, I ran into someone I was really interested in. She said the only way she would date me was if I came out of the closet about myself. So, it was the motivation I needed to come out.

Step 1; Self Admittance.
As I said before, I was raised in a household where I was to believe that this lifestyle is wrong. Undoing that upbringing by admitting it to yourself is a hard thing to do. It took me a while to look myself in the eyes of a mirror and just say it. But low and behold, a night came, I looked at my reflection straight in the eyes and said, "I Love big women". At first I was nervous, almost so nervous as to shake. I said it again, "I Love Big women." My nerves started to calm down, my jitters started to subside. I stared into my eyes for a good 5 minutes after that, then I said it again, "I love big women." A wave of relief and relaxation finally hit. I was thrilled I had accomplished that much.

Step 2; Admittance to your Partner.
On my next date with her, I sat down and looked her in the eyes and said it again. She smiled, happy to see I was making progress. We spent the rest of the date talking about my preference. Talking about what it means to her, and what she has always thought about this lifestyle as well. I had never felt so good, so alive as to actually have a full and positive conversation about my preference. I felt released.

Step 3; Family Admittance.
As you could probably tell, I had always feared about what my parents would say. So I sat down with my mom first. She was always the more approachable one. "Mom," I said, "I have something to tell you about the women I date". She seemed worried at first. There was a long pause as she looked like she had something to say. I waited, nervously. "Is everything alright Michael?" she said. "Yes mom, nothing is wrong. I paused again, looking for the right words. Is this about the fact youve only ever dated plus-sized girls? she said. Well, actually, yes. I said. She looked me firmly in the eyes. Michael, let me say something, no matter who youre interested in, or where you find love, I will always love you. No matter who you bring home, a friend of yours is a friend of mine. I have always accepted you for who you are, and this time will be no different. Now, could you do me one favor? I was shocked that she already knew, and responded shyly. Of course, what is it? I said. I know you probably planned on it, but dont sit down with your father about this, ok? 

I went back to being shocked again. What? Why? I asked. She sighed before talking. Well, firstly I want to tell you that I am not telling you to hide who you are. I am just saying, dont announce it to him. We all know how you father is. I dont fear him doing anything brash, but I would like you two to avoid an unneeded argument, she said. She paused for a moment before talking again. Look at it this way, you have no idea what your father, your siblings, or myself look for physically in a partner do you? Well, no I dont, I said. She continued, So, why should it be any different for you? I mean none of us need to go around announcing to everyone what we are attracted to, so you dont need to either. 

I thought for a moment. I just cant shake the feeling that I am still hiding who I am or how I feel. She gave me a hug. Dont stress yourself over it. I know it took a lot to sit down and talk with me now, and this whole thing means so much to you, I am proud of you. I am not saying hide who you are from anyone. What I am saying is that if the topic ever comes up in conversation with people, dont lie, and dont hide it from them. Be who you are, but wait for them to ask you first.

Step 4; Friend Admittance
After really listening to what my mom had said, I thought about it for quite a bit. After careful consideration, I began to agree with her. There was no need for me to run up to every person I see and tell them what I am attracted to. So with my friends, I decided to take her suggested approach. One fine day of hanging out, the guys saw a beautiful woman on tv, and began to do what guys do, comment on her beauty. I decided to let my real flag fly, suggesting that if she were thicker she would easily look just as good, if not better. And in similar situations point out when a model or spokes person looks too skinny, pointing out ribs and prominent cheek bones.
After all my worrying, my friends accepted what I liked, just as much as my mother did. I was so happy to finally be out.

Advice to people still in the pantry. : Speaking from experience, this is no easy road. You will stress yourself out over it. You will become a nervous wreck at times. It will be one of the hardest things you will do. But I can assure you the reward is well worth it. I cannot put into words how good it feels to admit who and how you are, and to like yourself for it.

The people on here are a great resource to build confidence and to help you work through it. 

So lastly, go for it! Its time you stop living in hiding, living in fear.


----------



## katherine22

James said:


> I can relate to that experience. For me, the process really began via the internet (about 10 years ago) where I first realized that I wasn't a unique oddity or alone in my aesthetic. This gave me the basis of confidence to begin to discuss things with my parents and close friends.
> 
> Whilst my parents were initially horrified, labeling my aesthetic as a passing phase that I would 'hopefully' outgrow, the reaction of my friends was nowhere near as negative as I'd presumed it might be.
> 
> I think 'outness' can be defined as the degree of comfort feels in one's skin... essentially 'being oneself'. In my early 20s, as with most people, my sense of self began to develop and I think it was critical that whilst that was happening, I'd already confronted myself and acknowledged the questions that FAs invariably have to ask themselves (i.e. is this aesthetic set? *Yes*... does this mean that I will be sabotaging a potential partner's desire to be thin by expressing it? *No*... etc. etc.). I think that in general, the earlier that one faces up to oneself and figures all this kind of stuff out, the better the outcomes will be.
> 
> Also, over time, it became obvious to all that my dating preferences were exclusively in the range of 'big'. To a large extent, this went uncommented upon amongst my peers. That said, I think I define truly being 'out' as when I reached a point of confidently holding discussion on the subject amongst friends and family... and even strangers if they saw fit to comment on it? This really didn't materialize in a vacuum for me. It took time and the experience to really become 100% 'ok' with myself. I think one of the key things that bolstered this along the way was meeting and befriending other FAs. In fact, I'd recommend to anyone in the closet that this one part of the process alone will enable them to leap forward towards 'coming out'.




Some people feel it necessary to borrow lingo from the gay liberation movement to describe their preference for fat women. It is pretentious to borrow language from a civil rights movement to describe the kind of woman one desires. It is self-centered to think that one's particular preference for a fat woman would have political or social overtones requiring explanation. In viewing the necessity to explain one's preference for a fat woman is to dehumanize the woman as if you were desiring a freak.

What this conversation is really about is do you have the emotional stability to be self-revealing to others without imbuing your personal preferences in such rhetoric. Have you got over the adolescent notion of how special you are concerning your choices? Do you have the self-integrity to have values that differ from your parents considering that you are an adult now. Grow up and take responsibility for what you desire.


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## Littleghost

katherine22 said:


> [/color]
> Some people feel it necessary to borrow lingo from the gay liberation movement to describe their preference for fat women. It is pretentious to borrow language from a civil rights movement to describe the kind of woman one desires. It is self-centered to think that one's particular preference for a fat woman would have political or social overtones requiring explanation. In viewing the necessity to explain one's preference for a fat woman is to dehumanize the woman as if you were desiring a freak.
> 
> What this conversation is really about is do you have the emotional stability to be self-revealing to others without imbuing your personal preferences in such rhetoric. Have you got over the adolescent notion of how special you are concerning your choices? Do you have the self-integrity to have values that differ from your parents considering that you are an adult now. Grow up and take responsibility for what you desire.



Way to not condescend.


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## James

katherine22 said:


> [/color]
> Some people feel it necessary to borrow lingo from the gay liberation movement to describe their preference for fat women. It is pretentious to borrow language from a civil rights movement to describe the kind of woman one desires. It is self-centered to think that one's particular preference for a fat woman would have political or social overtones requiring explanation. In viewing the necessity to explain one's preference for a fat woman is to dehumanize the woman as if you were desiring a freak.
> 
> What this conversation is really about is do you have the emotional stability to be self-revealing to others without imbuing your personal preferences in such rhetoric. Have you got over the adolescent notion of how special you are concerning your choices? Do you have the self-integrity to have values that differ from your parents considering that you are an adult now. Grow up and take responsibility for what you desire.



I think there are often social overtones that require explanation. When a friend stops wanting to be your friend, when your family rejects you and doesn't speak to you for years, when your sexuality is frequently attacked or misunderstood by those to whom it applies... these are all social overtones of significance. These are just a few of the things that can happen for FAs. Granted that experiences vary but I've met enough FAs... and heard enough testimony IRL to know that these kind of outcomes cannot be dismissed as freak occurrences. 

Using terms like closet is probably more a functional choice rather than some kind of implicit 'we have it as bad as homosexuals' inference. Although, that said, I have read from some of the gay FAs on these boards that they have sometimes found their attraction to fatness be more transgressive of social norms than their same sex attraction. Perhaps the comparison is not without merit after all? I have also heard that it is far more acceptable to be gay in many European countries than it is to be fat. Having lived in England and France for most of my life I could believe that to be true.

I do agree that it is a question of integrity but to dismiss the FA experience in such an offhand way betrays quite a lack of compassion for very real issues that many FAs face. I appreciate that its probably not enjoyable to come and read FAs talking about how their experience of dating fat people has inherent difficulty when one is a fat person oneself. However, I really don't feel its fair to level the charge that by admitting our realities, FA/FFAs are complicit in dehumanizing fat people as freaks. I'm sorry if you felt that way when you read my post. In no way was that my intention.


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## Jon Blaze

katherine22 said:


> [/COLOR]
> Some people feel it necessary to borrow lingo from the gay liberation movement to describe their preference for fat women. It is pretentious to borrow language from a civil rights movement to describe the kind of woman one desires. It is self-centered to think that one's particular preference for a fat woman would have political or social overtones requiring explanation. In viewing the necessity to explain one's preference for a fat woman is to dehumanize the woman as if you were desiring a freak.
> 
> What this conversation is really about is do you have the emotional stability to be self-revealing to others without imbuing your personal preferences in such rhetoric. Have you got over the adolescent notion of how special you are concerning your choices? Do you have the self-integrity to have values that differ from your parents considering that you are an adult now. Grow up and take responsibility for what you desire.



Gays don't have a stranglehold on the term "Closet." It's a metaphor used by many groups, and they were not the first. Just so you know.


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## liz (di-va)

Jon Blaze said:


> Gays don't have a stranglehold on the term "Closet." It's a metaphor used by many groups, and they were not the first



Yup. Agreed. Frankly, I find the term "closet" quite accurate in its parallels across lots of experiences.


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## butch

James said:


> I think there are often social overtones that require explanation. When a friend stops wanting to be your friend, when your family rejects you and doesn't speak to you for years, when your sexuality is frequently attacked or misunderstood by those to whom it applies... these are all social overtones of significance. These are just a few of the things that can happen for FAs. Granted that experiences vary but I've met enough FAs... and heard enough testimony IRL to know that these kind of outcomes cannot be dismissed as freak occurrences.
> 
> Using terms like closet is probably more a functional choice rather than some kind of implicit 'we have it as bad as homosexuals' inference. Although, that said, I have read from some of the gay FAs on these boards that they have sometimes found their attraction to fatness be more transgressive of social norms than their same sex attraction. Perhaps the comparison is not without merit after all? I have also heard that it is far more acceptable to be gay in many European countries than it is to be fat. Having lived in England and France for most of my life I could believe that to be true.
> 
> I do agree that it is a question of integrity but to dismiss the FA experience in such an offhand way betrays quite a lack of compassion for very real issues that many FAs face. I appreciate that its probably not enjoyable to come and read FAs talking about how their experience of dating fat people has inherent difficulty when one is a fat person oneself. However, I really don't feel its fair to level the charge that by admitting our realities, FA/FFAs are complicit in dehumanizing fat people as freaks. I'm sorry if you felt that way when you read my post. In no way was that my intention.



As a big fattie, a big lady queer, and a big Fat Admirer of both genders, I can attest that a lot of my coming to terms with my sexuality and my gender expression was very similar to my coming to terms with my fatness and my fat-specific sexuality. I've said it here before, that in my life experience, it has been much easier to grow up and live as a queer person than a fat one. I would never devalue the experiences of my fellow F/FAs, since I know how hard it is to tell my friends about my fat sexual life, when they all are super keen on asking about my queer sexual life.

For those of you who don't get the whole cloest thing for F/FAs, go to wikipedia and read about Goffman and stigma theory. It may suck to read if you're fat, but it explains a lot about how powerful stigma functions in this society, and why (IMO) stigma for fatties continues to go up as stigma for the queers continues to go down.*

* and yes, I know, fatties and FAs don't risk violence and death in the way that many queers, past and present have had to deal with. However, ask a fat person who has been heckled in public places numerous times over the course of their life if they feel like they've been violated, and I bet they would say yes. I still cringe if I have to enter certain spaces or am in close proximity to certain types of people (teenage boys, mostly) where memories of past anti-fat words and actions come to mind. I am afraid in these moments, and I have to say, I have those moments a lot more than moments where I am afraid because of my queer apperance.


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## mediaboy

stan_der_man said:


> You do have a good point Bexy... I think stating it in terms of "coming out as a FA" can be an inexact way to put it. In many cases it's simply realizing that one is a FA. This thread does also have overlap with other threads discussing when one came to terms or simply realized they were a FA. I think (certainly in my case...) "coming out" as a FA is often times synonymous with "realizing" that one is a FA. There doesn't have to be any sort of "day of reckoning", or big epiphany that takes place. At some point in their lives a person can simply realize that they are attracted to fat people... and that's all there is to it.



That's the nail on the head.

Although I do recall an instance where I was "outed" by a female cross country runner whom I worked with.

We had been friends for about three months and been hanging out after work and generally just getting along as two coworkers that fall into friendship do when out of nowhere her boy friend breaks up with her so he can get back together with his ex.

She calls me in distress, sobbing, and as I'm consoling her she sniffles a little and asks, "Do you want to start dating?". 

With out missing a beat I casually said, "Nah, I'm cool." 

She stopped sobbing instantly.

"Why not?"

"I like fat girls."

Awkward silence.

"REALLY?!"

"Hell yeah."

She burst up laughing.


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## liam

I'm a lurker, but wanted to voice my opinion, and in particular, my absolute disagreement with katharine, above. 

I think we all need to be mindful that we don't live in a completely homogeneous society and we've all internalized slightly different social expectations. The amount of stigma attached to fatness and love of fatness varies greatly across short distances. What seems de-stigmatized in say, the Pacific Northwest, or Atlanta, might not be so (and is not so) in, say, Los Angeles, or New York City. And what flies in East Los Angeles (and it flies so well) does not necessarily fly in the Financial District.

It's ridiculously naive to say that people just need to be honest and emotionally mature when the amount of ridicule one can be subjected to for being (a) fat, or (b) a FA can often rival that leveled at the queer community. And although violence is rare it does occur. 

The difference is huge, also, depending on one's perceived social status and one's chosen profession (this is especially true if one's chosen profession thinks especially highly of itself and has an institutionalized social class structure of its own). You'd be right to condemn that elitist attitude of course, but if you're stuck in that system to speak up is no easy task, and isn't a simple question of emotional maturity. 

I know very intelligent fat women who, despite passing the hardest bar exam in the nation, are unable to secure long term employment as attorneys because partners want to "put the best face forward" with respect to their clients. The bigger the pockets of the client, the truer this is. And after the layoffs, in the worst market in years, when the disgusting verbal fat-abuse flies behind closed doors, would you, as a FA, voice your preference and risk your career? Would you introduce these overpaid, emotionally-retarded frat-boys (and worse, emotionally-insecure, skinny, rich women), who hold the keys to your future employment, to your obese partner? You can say that an emotionally mature person would, but how about an emotionally mature person with $200,000 in law school loans to pay off and nowhere else to turn but a job in BigLaw if one wishes to ever pay off that amount? 

This sort of institutionalized hatred isn't, of course, universal in the legal field, and not even in BigLaw outside of "important" legal markets, but when you're stuck somewhere. . . you're, well, stuck somewhere. Sometimes the only way to survive is to give in to societal pressures until you can get to a safer more accepting place, but that journey isn't always as easy as we'd like.

(Anticipating responses: how about we ridicule a shallow profession instead of a person who works in a shallow profession; and the emotional immaturity in certain social circles and areas rather than those who feel hammered down by that immaturity?)

And how would you feel as an otherwise emotionally-mature person who grew up with his father proclaiming his hatred for "teh fatties," and those who date them, at the sight of the same jiggle that causes your pulse to quicken? How about you experience that, frequently, when you're a kid just developing your sexuality-- especially when you come to realize that nothing comes close to the way that jiggle makes you feel? 

And how about you compound that with the stigmatization you've inadvertently come to know first-hand by getting the crap beat out of you frequently in middle school for being just a little overweight yourself? 

Jesus, this stuff isn't always easy for everyone!

I love beautiful fat women. I love them so much. I'd love to advocate for them and tell them they're beautiful and sexy, and altogether praiseworthy at all costs, but what is an acceptable cost for one isn't for another. Life is always complicated.


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## liam

Please excuse the double post, but I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't wholly talking about myself in the above, just trying to extrapolate on some of my experiences and the experiences of some of my friends. 

I'm open about dating bbws on a person-by-person basis, but there are still people (family and people that I otherwise love) to whom I could not come out and state, explicitly, that bbws my strong preference.

There's also the issue that being too explicit about your preferences can get you branded a sicko and a fetishist when that's not really the case (not that there's anything wrong with that). In this limited way, it might be easier to come out as homosexual as society encourages a strict gay-straight dichotomy, and you're expected to fit into one box or the other.* When you add more nuance it tends to make people very uncomfortable as it begins to look more like a "perversion" to mainstream expectations. IMO, YMMV, TL;DR, etc.

Additional point of clarification: I don't advocate giving into societal pressures when they are doing harm; just wanted to point out that it's not always an easy task to show the world your true self even when you've fully embraced it yourself. An obvious point, in retrospect.


*FN: No offense if I'm way off on this one, queer friends & neighbors. This is just my grasp of the issue, formed mostly by talking to gay friends about how much harder it was for them to come out as being, say, nonreligious humanists than gay.


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## LoveBHMS

> In viewing the necessity to explain one's preference for a fat woman is to dehumanize the woman as if you were desiring a freak.



The fuck???

Where does it say anything about freaks? And where does anything about the term "closet" mean that somebody's desire is freakish? Being open about your sexuality is like the polar opposite of making somebody into a freak or making your sexuality "freakish".


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## rainyday

liam said:


> I love beautiful fat women. I love them so much. I'd love to advocate for them and tell them they're beautiful and sexy, and altogether praiseworthy at all costs, but what is an acceptable cost for one isn't for another. Life is always complicated.





liam said:


> I'm open about dating bbws on a person-by-person basis, but there are still people (family and people that I otherwise love) to whom I could not come out and state, explicitly, that bbws my strong preference . . . .




Liam, I am not posting to ridicule you. Your struggle is very clear and I don't discount that it really is a struggle for you. As a fat woman though, I'm posting to ask you not to date my fellow fat sisters. Until you have dealt with the obvious shame you feel about what you prefer, please be man enough to avoid exposing potential partners to you the same way you hopefully would if you knew you had a communicable disease. Even if that means you have to be celibate and unpartnered. 

Your mixed feelings, your excuses, your justifications--there is a little truth in all of them and you are entitled to them. I worked in a very image-conscious industry in New York. I am not unfamiliar with the type of societal pressure you're referring to. But that is the path you chose and what you are electing to make meaningful in your life. You have the potential to do harm, and since you know you're unwilling to stand up for a fat partner, the harm you'll do will be done knowingly and with premeditation. If you are unwilling to push back against the pressures you feel, do not make your struggle the burden of someone else who deserves better and deserves not to be splattered by the self-loathing you haven't yet come to terms with.


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## LoveBHMS

> What this conversation is really about is do you have the emotional stability to be self-revealing to others without imbuing your personal preferences in such rhetoric.



Please reread the forum rules regarding being rude and dismissive of FAs and FA issues.



> Have you got over the adolescent notion of how special you are concerning your choices?



No. FFAs are a unique breed and I'm fucking special.



> Do you have the self-integrity to have values that differ from your parents considering that you are an adult now.



I'm not sure self-integrity is even a word, but whatever. And being an FA or FFA has nothing to do with values, it's who you're attracted to.



> Grow up and take responsibility for what you desire.



Please see above directive regarding being rude and dismissive of FAs. This is a place for FAs to share coming out stories, as demonstrated by the title of the thread. It's not for you to come in and berate people for not doing it right, not thinking about it right, and not having the proper mindset.

For me, personally, I've always said when you have Chris Farley as your celebrity crush, there's never really any closet. LOL. When it's come up, such as when I've dated people from Dims and had to explain how I met them, or when I was waitressing and I'd say a particular patron was cute and when somebody said "Wow he's big" and I explain I was a chubby chaser, I've just tossed it off as not being a big deal. I've found the less of a big deal you make, the less of a big deal others make of it.

Both my parents actually hate fatties, but it never goes beyond 'Ugh, that guy's too fat' but that's about it. I mean they're entitled to be attracted to what they want or have their own biases or prejudices. I don't really see it as a topic for discussion and I can't imagine they would either. My mom is one who will occaisionally point out a fat guy and say "you probably think he's sexy" but it's just like general teasing, nothing mean or acting like I'm emotionally unstable or anything. Not sure what kind of parent wants to think about their kids' sex lives anyway.


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## IrishBard

one of the most easiest admittence of my FA status ever. My parents are very accepting. I told them "Mum, dad, I'm... well, I love big women."
"And?"
"what?"
"and? As long as you're happy, it's fine by us."

My friends first took the piss out of it. I was subjected to terms like "Whale Lover", "Hippo humper" and "Chubby chaser," But then I reminded, individually, that they're fetishes where a little more degrading than mine, of which included bondage and girls who cheated on their boyfriends (I'm serious, A good friend on mine can't get it on with a single girl, it always has got to have that element of risk in there)

My brother, on the other hand...whew, let's just say, it was rather more difficult. 
When I first, well, "Came out", I was 18, and I needed to be straight with my parents before I went off to uni. unfortunately my brother heard, and hasn't let up on it. Looking down his nose at me like I'm beneath him, whilst he's had bad relationship after bad relationship. A succession of drunken one-night stands, almost knocking one girl up, and being beaten up by another girls boyfriend. He still looks down on me because "At least I don't F**k whales!" 

meh, well, siblings are there to annoy, really.


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## liam

rainyday said:


> Liam, I am not posting to ridicule you. Your struggle is very clear and I don't discount that it really is a struggle for you. As a fat woman though, I'm posting to ask you not to date my fellow fat sisters. Until you have dealt with the obvious shame you feel about what you prefer, please be man enough to avoid exposing potential partners to you the same way you hopefully would if you knew you had a communicable disease. Even if that means you have to be celibate and unpartnered.
> 
> Your mixed feelings, your excuses, your justifications--there is a little truth in all of them and you are entitled to them. I worked in a very image-conscious industry in New York. I am not unfamiliar with the type of societal pressure you're referring to. But that is the path you chose and what you are electing to make meaningful in your life. You have the potential to do harm, and since you know you're unwilling to stand up for a fat partner, the harm you'll do will be done knowingly and with premeditation. If you are unwilling to push back against the pressures you feel, do not make your struggle the burden of someone else who deserves better and deserves not to be splattered by the self-loathing you haven't yet come to terms with.



Rainday, I appreciate your concerns, but the rhetoric is a little extreme. I double posted with the disclaimer in part because I didn't want anyone to take this as entirely my personal backstory-- it isn't; it's based on long conversations I've had with others about their experiences, and about what they've witnessed. That conversation was possible because I am now open with my likes and dislikes to, what I think, is a reasonable extent. That is, an extent to which everyone knows and understands that I will date and love bbws, but not to an extent where the discussion is completely sexualized.

The family issues, and schoolhouse beatings, those were me. I've come to terms with that. There was a time where that history was overwhelming. My initial point, though, wasn't that merely becoming "more emotionally mature and honest" is all that it takes to overcome these issues. It just isn't. Social pressures and stigma can be excessive, and as people with different backgrounds, different social imprinting etc, our reactions to that stigma can vary greatly. 

Currently, if someone directly attacked my own partner's weight, they would hear about it, and if it was one of my employers i would take it directly to HR and escalate the issue as much as possible. I have never directly experienced this, though. But, in light of what I've discussed with others, I know there was a time in my life where, despite being mature, _I might have been reluctant to introduce a fat partner to those individuals in that sort of environment._ And getting to where I am now wasn't a question of simply maturing. That's way too reductive. 

Incidentally, my father knows that I have dated larger women. I still get teased for it, but I don't feel any shame. I would make damn sure he never verbally attacked a partner. I will not, however, discuss with him the extent of my sexual preferences. He can gather that I'm a FA from context, but there's a balance between being open and banging your head against a brick wall.

A final point: there is way too much hostility to different experiences and POVs on this forum, and way too much projecting of one's own issues onto those of other posters. As a guy who is mainly attracted to smaller BBWs, and who disagrees with, say, feederism and the worship of fat at the cost of health, I don't feel like I fit in terribly well here. I will not, however, tell anyone here that they are suffering from some terrible complex and should become "celibate" so as to avoid harming others. 

Hence the lurking.


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## rainyday

liam, I'm not quite sure how to respond as this last post sounds like it was made by an entirely different person than the one who made the first two posts. Very different. Which version is really more descriptive of you is obviously your call. My basic message for you or any FA reading is still the same though: Don't date fat women until you can date them openly, introduce them to your family and others, speak up for them publicly and accept your own preference. If that requires the sacrifice of not dating until you're at that point, then sacrifice. Don't expose women to your ambivalence.

There's nothing there that denies that the journey to that point may not be an easy one.


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## liam

rainyday said:


> liam, I'm not quite sure how to respond as this last post sounds like it was made by an entirely different person than the one who made the first two posts. Very different. Which version is really more descriptive of you is obviously your call. My basic message for you or any FA reading is still the same though: Don't date fat women until you can date them openly, introduce them to your family and others, speak up for them publicly and accept your own preference. If that requires the sacrifice of not dating until you're at that point, then sacrifice. Don't expose women to your ambivalence.
> 
> There's nothing there that denies that the journey to that point may not be an easy one.



rainyday, those are fair points and I don't particularly disagree. 

Re: different sounding personas; my first post was based only in part on my own first-hand experience (and subjective feelings), and the intent wasn't really to describe my own experience, but rather cast light on what some FAs might go through. The first post was done in haste while at work and reading it now I can see how it looks more like a personal story than a series of rhetorical examples/questions, which was the intent. I tried to clarify this in the second post, but maybe I wasn't clear enough. There was obviously some of me in there, and the whole thing is necessarily filtered through my own past experiences, but that doesn't mean it accurately represents my current attitudes. This doesn't make it untrue.

(Being able to edit posts here without the time period available to do so being used up by moderator review would probably have helped with the clarity of my first post, since I've always been a write on the fly and edit afterwards kind of guy, but I understand the necessity of the mod process.)

The point in post 1 was really only to show that this stuff isn't easy, and that closted FAs aren't _necessarily_ (a) overreacting by actually feeling "closeted" or (b) emotionally retarded. I don't think you disagree, but previous posters seemed to.

I don't see how my second and third posts are internally inconsistent. I guess, by the standards of some on these boards, I'd still qualify as closeted since I'm not going to tell a few people that I am more attracted to bbws than non-bbws (in general, not on an individual basis). 

But I certainly would be open about dating a bbw individually and defending her against abuse in any and all forms. 

The sticking point for me (aside from the personal relationship issues I mentioned) is discussing something so sexualized as explicit preferences; it's not something I'm willing to state in front of everyone, and in part that's because (a) there's an element of objectification involved, and (b) that level of specificity honestly doesn't hold: I date/love/am attracted to individuals, and that is of course shaped by so much more than body type. And, honestly, who I am attracted to is very fluid, even though attraction to plus-size women is probably something of a default for me.

I suspect, from reading these boards, that my preferences might be a little more fluid than many FAs. And that one I won't elaborate on, lest I ruin my nascent political career (joke).


----------



## RedVelvet

rainyday said:


> Liam, I am not posting to ridicule you. Your struggle is very clear and I don't discount that it really is a struggle for you. As a fat woman though, I'm posting to ask you not to date my fellow fat sisters. Until you have dealt with the obvious shame you feel about what you prefer, please be man enough to avoid exposing potential partners to you the same way you hopefully would if you knew you had a communicable disease. Even if that means you have to be celibate and unpartnered.
> 
> Your mixed feelings, your excuses, your justifications--there is a little truth in all of them and you are entitled to them. I worked in a very image-conscious industry in New York. I am not unfamiliar with the type of societal pressure you're referring to. But that is the path you chose and what you are electing to make meaningful in your life. You have the potential to do harm, and since you know you're unwilling to stand up for a fat partner, the harm you'll do will be done knowingly and with premeditation. If you are unwilling to push back against the pressures you feel, do not make your struggle the burden of someone else who deserves better and deserves not to be splattered by the self-loathing you haven't yet come to terms with.





This is such perfection I felt the need to say that here, as well as in rep.


I am a long term Los Angeleno (in spite of being on the east coast now), and spent many formative years in Santa Monica and Venice....I guess I have a different experience of Los Angeles than Liam does (working in education and THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY, thank you....do I win the shallow profession contest?)....as a fat girl who never really had a hard time of it, and dated all the time, and got work easily..hrm...

While there might be tiny bits of merit in what Liam said, and I am glad its not just HIS experience he speaks of...... or else it sounds like he is in for a very very lonely life...very sad.


----------



## RedVelvet

Nevermind..I love James too much to be anything but as nice as I can be.


----------



## RedVelvet

liam said:


> A final point: there is way too much hostility to different experiences and POVs on this forum, and way too much projecting of one's own issues onto those of other posters. As a guy who is mainly attracted to smaller BBWs, and who disagrees with, say, feederism and the worship of fat at the cost of health, I don't feel like I fit in terribly well here. I will not, however, tell anyone here that they are suffering from some terrible complex and should become "celibate" so as to avoid harming others.
> 
> Hence the lurking.




There are a whole lot of anti-feeder, "smaller" (relative!), not-into-fat-worship women here than you might think. Its just that when they speak up they are...well.. you gotta be VERY careful.. 

Tricky.


----------



## James

I just wanted to say thanks to Rainyday for communicating a tough truth in a way that is respectful to this space. As a mod I really appreciated reading your post and the way it was written. 

I also agree that FA/FFAs should really avoid using BHMs/BBWs as a stepping stone to coming out of the closet. One of my hopes at the inception of the FA/FFA forum was that it might aid confused and/or inexperienced FA/FFAs by providing support and advice to eachother, thereby lessening the chance of them blundering awkwardly and insensitively through their initial relationships with fat partners IRL.


----------



## liam

RedVelvet said:


> Nevermind..I love James too much to be anything but as nice as I can be.



RedVelvet, my entire point was that everyone comes at this with different experiences, and that attitudes can vary greatly depending on those differences. 

I'm truly glad that things have been relatively easy for you and I wish that were the case for more people.

I don't understand why hostility and personal attacks are necessary. You do not know about the history I've had with my "friend" and you are in absolutely no place to be so rude about it. I certainly regret mentioning it, but I thought this was a safe place.

I have not been lonely and I do not lead a lonely life. I do not advocate for any discrimination. I am a huge fan of the body acceptance movement. I'm sorry that anything I said angered you.

I am absolutely uncomfortable with any further posting on this forum, and so I wish you all the best of luck.

Edit: this is in reference to your deleted post, to which: wow.


----------



## James

RedVelvet said:


> There are a whole lot of anti-feeder, "smaller" (relative!), not-into-fat-worship women here than you might think. Its just that when they speak up they are...well..considered prudes and bitches if they are not VERY careful..
> 
> Tricky.



This forum is neither pro, nor anti - feeder. Its for all FAs equally. I appreciate that the feeder topic makes some people uncomfortable by association but I ultimately hope that our commonality as women and men that are all attracted to fat people (i.e. the people that this forum is for) will be enough to foster respect for the diversity amongst us.


----------



## RedVelvet

liam said:


> RedVelvet, my entire point was that everyone comes at this with different experiences, and that attitudes can vary greatly depending on those differences.
> 
> I'm truly glad that things have been relatively easy for you and I wish that were the case for more people.
> 
> I don't understand why hostility and personal attacks are necessary. I thought this was a safe place.
> 
> I have not been lonely and I do not lead a lonely life. I do not advocate for any discrimination. I am a huge fan of the body acceptance movement. I'm sorry that anything I said angered you.
> 
> I am absolutely uncomfortable with any further posting on this forum, and so I wish you all the best of luck.
> 
> Edit: this is in reference to your deleted post, to which: wow.





Oh Liam....I'm sorry if you feel attacked. I honestly didn't feel anything but SAD for you. The idea that you felt that if you were perfectly honest and straightforward about your preferences with your BEST friend would mean rejection of you made my heart hurt.

Genuinely, sincerely.

I'm sorry that THAT was all it took to send you lurking again..I genuinely am.....I think its better for you if you stay and I go, instead.

I honestly hope that you become stronger about this..you will need it, don't you think? I mean ...this is obviously still conflict for you...That can't be fun.

Meanwhile...I'll be gone, ok?


----------



## liam

RedVelvet said:


> Oh Liam....I'm sorry if you feel attacked. I honestly didn't feel anything but SAD for you. The idea that you felt that if you were perfectly honest and straightforward about your preferences with your BEST friend would mean rejection of you made my heart hurt.
> 
> Genuinely, sincerely.
> 
> I'm sorry that THAT was all it took to send you lurking again..I genuinely am.....I think its better for you if you stay and I go, instead.
> 
> I honestly hope that you become stronger about this..you will need it, don't you think? I mean ...this is obviously still conflict for you...That can't be fun.
> 
> Meanwhile...I'll be gone, ok?



RedVelvet, you're obviously a worthwhile contributor and I don't think you should go. 

If anything, I'd just ask James to delete my posts thus far since they've apparently hit a nerve, which was unintended, and because they reference people that I probably should have left out of the conversation entirely. Directing attention at them makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.

James, can you do that?


----------



## James

liam said:


> RedVelvet, you're obviously a worthwhile contributor and I don't think you should go.
> 
> If anything, I'd just ask James to delete my posts thus far since they've apparently hit a nerve, which was unintended, and because they reference people that I probably should have left out of the conversation entirely. Directing attention at them makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.
> 
> James, can you do that?



I could. But I'd really rather not because I felt they were valuable and worthwhile additions to the thread. PM me if you want to discuss this further.


----------



## RedVelvet

liam said:


> RedVelvet, you're obviously a worthwhile contributor and I don't think you should go.
> 
> If anything, I'd just ask James to delete my posts thus far since they've apparently hit a nerve, which was unintended, and because they reference people that I probably should have left out of the conversation entirely. Directing attention at them makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.
> 
> James, can you do that?





Heh..Liam..I just meant this thread! You ain't rid of me yet. I am glad you responded...

May I please just say this:

I have posted posts that become 30 pages of intense discussion. So, I really do understand the squirmy feeling you are feeling. Don't worry..Its good, even if it feels squirmy. I'm considered a nice person by some here, and a bitch by others. ( some of the "nice" camp actually know me in person, so thats a relief)...You will, unless you are completely and utterly without opinion, piss someone off eventually. 

Yes, its contentious around here for people of varying opinion. The reason, one assumes, James is perfect as mod for this forum, is that he is VERY kind, for starters ...and incredibly patient with this. Also, probably runs a tight ship.

I am very attracted to the FA forum, because I love mature, smart, thoughtful FA men and women....and here's where some of them are..yay.

But..I also know I should probably avoid the forum, because its extremely difficult, as a fat person, to be thought of as a "problem" that needs to be dealt with...whether its for yourself, your workplace, society, etc.

So.....I probably shouldn't be here..and should probably just wait outside while the growth (hopefully) happens in here.

Kinda like sausage...it just tastes good...you don't wanna know how its made..


(heh...I said sausage)


----------



## liam

James said:


> I could. But I'd really rather not because I felt they were valuable and worthwhile additions to the thread. PM me if you want to discuss this further.



James, I PMd you. I don't think the discussion provoked by my posts was out of line, I just revealed more information than I should have about some loved ones, and I'm not comfortable with them becoming a part of the conversation given certain issues that should remain private.

I'd like to reiterate that this isn't directly the result of the responses to my posts-- I value the free exchange of ideas, and I value the honesty of the responses. I'm not trying to back out of the conversation, just trying to protect other people's anonymity when they never asked to be part of the conversation.


----------



## liam

RedVelvet said:


> Heh..Liam..I just meant this thread! You ain't rid of me yet. I am glad you responded...
> 
> May I please just say this:
> 
> I have posted posts that become 30 pages of intense discussion. So, I really do understand the squirmy feeling you are feeling. Don't worry..Its good, even if it feels squirmy. I'm considered a nice person by some here, and a bitch by others. ( some of the "nice" camp actually knows me in person, so thats a relief)...You will, unless you are completely and utterly without opinion, piss someone off eventually.
> 
> Yes, its contentious around here for people of varying opinion. The reason, one assumes, James is perfect as mod for this forum, is that he is VERY kind, for starters ...and incredibly patient with this. Also, probably runs a tight ship.
> 
> I am very attracted to the FA forum, because I love mature, smart, thoughtful FA men and women....and here's where some of them are..yay.
> 
> But..I also know I should probably avoid the forum, because its extremely difficult, as a fat person, to be thought of as a "problem" that needs to be dealt with...whether its for yourself, your workplace, society, etc.
> 
> So.....I probably shouldn't be here..and should probably just wait outside while the growth (hopefully) happens in here.
> 
> Kinda like sausage...it just tastes good...you don't wanna know how its made..
> 
> 
> (heh...I said sausage)



RedVelvet, I agree with you on your points and I tend to think the conversation was worthwhile, I just realized that I posted too much information about a certain individual, and I'm not really comfortable with that given. . . some things I'd rather not discuss. 

Contentiousness is fine and very often productive, I just wish I limited the scope of the conversation to myself, and I didn't.


----------



## rainyday

RedVelvet said:


> I probably shouldn't be here..and should probably just wait outside while the growth (hopefully) happens in here.



I feel similarly, especially since I often resent non-BBWs posting in that forum. Thanks very much for your comments RV and James. Mostly I feel I soft pedal too much, but in this case I think getting out of the works altogether would be better. I'm out as well.

ETA: Came back to add because I'm uncomfortable about something. I just wanted to make the comment that many of the women whose posts are decried on this forum as screechy or COF or some other pejorative speak truth far more unerringly than I do. In the back and forths and name calling that truth gets ignored and written off because of style a lot. I wish it didn't. The forums are poorer for it. Apologies for the digression. Now I'm out.


----------



## James

rainyday said:


> I feel similarly, especially since I often resent non-BBWs posting in that forum. Thanks very much for your comments RV and James. Mostly I feel I soft pedal too much, but in this case I think getting out of the works altogether would be better. I'm out as well.



I made reference to understanding what you and RV are talking about in my response to Katherine up thread. Personally speaking, I enjoy reading your inputs to discussion here and would miss your posts. 

I had always thought that the subject matter of the forum was likely to upset some people for this very reason, which was the core of my logic for proposing it as a protected space in the first place. Better for a closet or transitional FA/FFA to work through stuff on an internet forum with peers, if possible, than it is to dump on a partner. I appreciate both of you for having the patience to understand that.


----------



## liam

James, thanks for your edits of my posts. Thou art truly a god among mods. 

I need to remember to be a little more anonymous on "teh intarwebs;" I'm fine with being upfront with who I am but I need to protect those close to me when they aren't willing participants in the conversation. Like I said, or at least clumsily tried to, we all have our own particular history and resultant issues, and they aren't always cut-and-dry results of immaturity.

NOW THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED: From now on, I shall only speak from my own POV and only from my own experiences and shall not bring unwilling innocents into the conversation.

Everyone else, I'd regret pushing a poster out of the conversation, so please don't leave on my account. I'd just ask that the conversation remain respectful (eg, refrain from stating that someone's life and relationships etc are "sad") as much as possible, as that certainly does not provoke any particular willingness to converse in an open and frank manner.


----------



## Carrie

liam said:


> The sticking point for me (aside from the personal relationship issues I mentioned) is discussing something so sexualized as explicit preferences; it's not something I'm willing to state in front of everyone, and in part that's because (a) there's an element of objectification involved, and (b) that level of specificity honestly doesn't hold: I date/love/am attracted to individuals, and that is of course shaped by so much more than body type.


Just to clarify, this is not what most of us are looking for in an "uncloseted" FA. I certainly don't expect a man to wear to wear a "Yay! Fat chicks!" t-shirt when we go to the movies (and would actually be pretty mortified if he did; being made into a spectacle isn't my idea of a good time), nor do I expect him to explain to the people in his life in detail _why_ he finds fatties attractive. I don't think anyone should have to explain their (legal) sexual preferences to anyone else, and someone demanding any such explanation (beyond, perhaps, mild curiosity/trying to better understand) is pretty much being a dick. I say all this because I do seem to periodically see this misconception that an open FA is expected to preach the bible of fatness to everyone he meets, indiscriminately and loudly. Not so. Life your live, do your thing, if you (the general you, not just you, Liam) meet a fat girl you want to date, do it and treat her well. Introduce her to your friends and family, hold her hand proudly when out on dates, and never ever ever make her feel like she's something to be hidden in, well, a closet. 



liam said:


> But I certainly would be open about dating a bbw individually and defending her against abuse in any and all forms.


Bingo.


----------



## joswitch

@rainyday... Imagine some bloke dropped by a thread on body issues in the BBW board and told all BBWs with self-loathing/fat-hating/body issues that they should remain celibate because their feelings and attitudes were like a "communicable disease" which would "splatter" any prospective partner... Imagine the hurricane force shitstorm that would ensue in response to the arrogance of that... That's equivalent to what you just did here! (and it IS painful/sad/soul destroying to love someone who loathes herself, btw... But wtf, we're adults and we're none of us perfect and love ain't all roses, so we try...) @James - yes absolutely it's better for neophyte FAs to work this stuff out on here than in a relationship... But we all make mistakes (and hopefully learn from them) in our relationships... And letting people tell struggling FAs they are "diseased" isn't going to help them come out of the closet! Or make them feel ok about sharing their feelings on here..


----------



## joswitch

@Carrie - *changes T-shirt*


----------



## James

joswitch said:


> @rainyday... Imagine some bloke dropped by a thread on body issues in the BBW board and told all BBWs with self-loathing/fat-hating/body issues that they should remain celibate because their feelings and attitudes were like a "communicable disease" which would "splatter" any prospective partner... Imagine the hurricane force shitstorm that would ensue in response to the arrogance of that... That's equivalent to what you just did here! (and it IS painful/sad/soul destroying to love someone who loathes herself, btw... But wtf, we're adults and we're none of us perfect and love ain't all roses, so we try...) @James - yes absolutely it's better for neophyte FAs to work this stuff out on here than in a relationship... But we all make mistakes (and hopefully learn from them) in our relationships... And letting people tell struggling FAs they are "diseased" isn't going to help them come out of the closet! Or make them feel ok about sharing their feelings on here..



You are probably right Jo. I thanked Rainy because she expressed a truth for many BBWs in a way that was probably about as respectful as could be while still conveying how she (and many other fat people) feel about closet FA/FFAs. Comparitively there has been much less respect shown to the purpose and users of this space by some others in the last few months and quite a few infractions have now been issued (unfortunately).I hope that people will begin to understand that I'm very serious about making the FA/FFA forum a safe space for FA/FFAs and that new or transitional FA/FFAs will feel comfortable opening up here?

To that end, I am 100% behind any and all ideas that are helpful towards FA/FFAs coming out of the closet... but I also think that it would be sad if someone did so, only to go on and treat a partner poorly. This is one of the reasons why the FA/FFA forum is not a private or exclusive space and why the _constructive _involvement of non- FA/FFAs is welcome here.


----------



## curvyms

I dated someone who was a FA and it is because of him that I gained.
He never told me he was a FA, he just encouraged my eating and always told me he would love me no matter what my size. He was and probably still is in the closet about it. I hope in time he finds what he wants and what makes him happy regardless of what he thinks others opinion of him are because of it.


----------



## Tad

First, A big "DITTO" on what Rainy said. She expressed that very well I thought. Whatever issues one has, it is not fair to make someone else suffer for them if we can avoid it.

Second: Liam, you are of the wrong generation and country to know this cheesy rock song, but it was popular when I was a kid. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STiuregSvHg
Nothing wrong with what they say in the chorus, but mostly I want you to listen to the verses. I totally get the difficulty of your situation, but what was missing is what you intend to *do *about it. Sure it is far easier to say (or sing) than to actually make it happen.....but really I think this is one of the fundamentals of living a good life:

"If you don't like
What you got
Why don't you change it
If your world is all screwed up
Rearrange it
"​
Because really, what is the alternative? It might take years, it might not play out the way you expected or hoped.....but if you don't try then the odds of things working how you hope are a whole lot worse!

In particular, in a system as entrenched as "BigLaw," just 'doing what you are supposed to do' and following all of the rules won't get you too far in the end. Look at the pyramid structure of those firms, there are how many eager young faces who join each year, and how many partnerships that actually come open in a year? 

I can't comment on your particular firm, but from I've heard about of similar organizations maybe a few people get to the top by following all the rules and being good boys, but in general the people who come out on top are the ones who have the ability to tell _anyone_ to screw off, and make it stick. That is to say, you have to be good at what you do (fundamental basis for respect), but then it takes confidence in that ability, and maybe more critically it takes drive--drive simply to win, drive to force a point, or drive really for anything that motivates you. 

(by the way, in that sort of thing you do have to know how to win without making others lose face; really the key is staying positive and making it reasonably clear that you'll fight if you have to. Wolves don't hunt the strong elk that stands up to them, they go after the ones that look weak or that run away.) 

Or, if you are not willing to force others at your firm to be grateful to have you on their team exactly as you are, then start figuring out what your exit strategy is.

Or something!


----------



## mergirl

curvyms said:


> I dated someone who was a FA and it is because of him that I gained.
> He never told me he was a FA, he just encouraged my eating and always told me he would love me no matter what my size. He was and probably still is in the closet about it. I hope in time he finds what he wants and what makes him happy regardless of what he thinks others opinion of him are because of it.


Poor you. You can do much better!!. Don't waste your sympathy on him because by him being in the closet, actually, you were the one being hurt. 
My 'advice' to closeted Fas is stop being a cowardy custard! You do not get stoned to death for loving fat people.. If people like you less or are mean to you because you like fat people.. get new friends!


----------



## name2come

rainyday said:


> Until you have dealt with the obvious shame you feel about what you prefer, please be man enough to avoid exposing potential partners to you the same way you hopefully would if you knew you had a communicable disease. Even if that means you have to be celibate and unpartnered.



As an FA, I have to say: DARN STRAIGHT.

I think to some degree I'm seeing a fundamental confusion about what being "out" means. Being out doesn't have to mean being an activist. There are openly gay men and women who do not "flaunt" their sexuality. It is simply a part of who they are. Now, for gays and lesbians, that alone can be a very revolutionary act. For FA's, not so much. That's why I regard being an out FA as being stupendously easy and frankly I have no understanding for those insist it is somehow difficult. Compared to being an out gay person, its nothing. Compared to being a fat person, its nothing. Being an out FA requires an extraordinarily minimal amount of effort. It doesn't demand a "Yes Fatties" t-shirt. You won't need legislation to marry an opposite gender partner of your choosing. No need to add it to your business card. If you date a fat person and introduce them to your friends and family, you are an out FA. Really. That's it. It sounds like quite a lot of the self-described closeted FA's do just that. To all of you, when people complain about closeted FA's, they REALLY aren't talking about you.

We're talking about those who'd never want anyone to see them romantically involved with a fat person. That's what being in the closet means. A gay person isn't in the closet if they go out on dates, bring their boyfriend home for Thanksgiving, etc. They are in the closet if they compartmentalize their romantic relationships from other elements of their lives. Now, there is a key difference in gay people in the closet and FA's which I think obligates FA's to do exactly what Rainy requests.

In a gay relationship, BOTH partners can choose to be in the closet. I'm not saying that's a great choice, but it is one which if both partners make, treats both of them equally. No fat person can be in the closet about being fat, however, so for FA's a "choice" to be in the closet only benefits the FA. It shields them, but the act itself exposes their partners to shame and hostility. There may well be fat women who internalize that shame enough to feel they don't deserve to be treatedly like a human being by their partner, but that is no excuse. If you don't feel comfortable publicly dating a fat person, you DON'T date a fat person. Not if you are a remotely decent person. Doing so is disgusting and selfish. Instead of dealing with your irrational shame, you elect to make it someone else's problem. To make them suffer worse than you would have. Its inexcusable. This is what people are talking about when they talk about closeted FA's.

If all the girls you date are fat, you are out of the closet. Pro Tip, by the way, everyone knows you're into fatties if that's the case. Trust me. People figured it out I was an FA long before I had a chance to confide in them that fact. Because I never kept myself in the closet. I acted on my feelings. All you really need to do if that's what you're doing is be willing to confirm if anyone ever asks "So, you like fat girls or something?" You simply have to say, "yes." There you go.

Its insanely easy to be an FA. You get to be with the women you adore and so few people really care about who you date. Unlike gays for many years, you won't be beaten up for holding hands with a fat woman. You won't be denied an apartment. You won't be denied a job. Very few friends will care enough to so much as light-heartedly tease you. A lot will probably try to set you up with their fat friends. And you don't need to break out the bullhorn. No need to demand your rights. Now, I think you do owe it to your desired partners to do those things, but I don't think that's mandatory for FA's. Just ideal behavior. But if you just want to publicly date fatties, that's really enough.


----------



## James

Well said... and I agree on the Pro tip wholeheartedly. While I think that people's experiences with family, friends and employers etc may vary more than you've experienced, I was really impressed with your observation regarding closet comparisons and how two gay people might make that choice (say if they were both living in a very hostile southern state... no offense to the southerners but I've heard from gay friends here who have moved to Portland to escape some of the southern states that it was pretty bad back home... Fat people don't have that option when dating an FA... which is reason enough, logically and emotionally, to not burden a partner with one's social shame of dating them. All in all, the decent and right thing to do is to come out of the closet before you date fat people. There's really no valid counter-argument in my opinion.


----------



## RedVelvet

Damn rep gods. Name2come, you rock....


----------



## escapist

I never came out. Don't think I had to. I lost my virginity to a short chubby cute thing (yeah the same one I said I had a crush on in high school in a previous thread), and later married her friend another short chubby cute thing. I think what really throws people off is my Bi-sizual nature. A great personality, cute smile, and sweet disposition can get you a long ways with me. My current girl is a BBW but its on such a petite frame it hardly registers in my head cause she is so small next to me.


----------



## SocialbFly

rainyday said:


> Liam, I am not posting to ridicule you. Your struggle is very clear and I don't discount that it really is a struggle for you. As a fat woman though, I'm posting to ask you not to date my fellow fat sisters. Until you have dealt with the obvious shame you feel about what you prefer, please be man enough to avoid exposing potential partners to you the same way you hopefully would if you knew you had a communicable disease. Even if that means you have to be celibate and unpartnered.
> 
> Your mixed feelings, your excuses, your justifications--there is a little truth in all of them and you are entitled to them. I worked in a very image-conscious industry in New York. I am not unfamiliar with the type of societal pressure you're referring to. But that is the path you chose and what you are electing to make meaningful in your life. You have the potential to do harm, and since you know you're unwilling to stand up for a fat partner, the harm you'll do will be done knowingly and with premeditation. If you are unwilling to push back against the pressures you feel, do not make your struggle the burden of someone else who deserves better and deserves not to be splattered by the self-loathing you haven't yet come to terms with.





i agree with you Rainy, but it goes so much farther than that...i ask you as my sisters and brothers in fat...how many times have you heard from a married person, i dont love/desire my partner, i wanted a fat partner and now i am trying to find one....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh give me a break...they picked the easier route and now realize what their true desire is...nice timing, for both people.

often times our choices and our self balls for lack of another word, come with aging...no doubt in my mind that those that come to grips early are very self aware and self assured and if they have doubts, in my mind, they file them under the "i dont give a f what you think".

paths to self discovery are not the same for everyone, but think about how many damaged people there are out there, we damage each other and cause damage, on purpose or accidently...the point is, causing as little as possible and growing in the process...and finding someone to love us no matter what the issues on either side...

again, not easy.


----------



## exile in thighville

TotallyReal said:


> Just fucking date fat girls and if anyone gives you beef pummel them senseless with a folding chair and take their Intercontinental Title Belt



underrated


----------



## katorade

James said:


> Well said... and I agree on the Pro tip wholeheartedly. While I think that people's experiences with family, friends and employers etc may vary more than you've experienced, I was really impressed with your observation regarding closet comparisons and how two gay people might make that choice (say if they were both living in a very hostile southern state... no offense to the southerners but I've heard from gay friends here who have moved to Portland to escape some of the southern states that it was pretty bad back home...* Fat people don't have that option when dating an FA... which is reason enough, logically and emotionally, to not burden a partner with one's social shame of dating them. All in all, the decent and right thing to do is to come out of the closet before you date fat people.* There's really no valid counter-argument in my opinion.



Along with that, and it can be mistaken for the same thing, is that it can feel like there is an unwillingness to share the experiences a person goes through. Not only does it feel like a burden to their partner, but it can feel like an overwhelming sense of *loneliness* when it comes to someone you love. 

It's important for me to bring that up, because the majority of fat people have had to carry these burdens around, regardless of who their friends, family, and lovers have been. The kicker for most is that their friends are their friends, and their families are their families, and there isn't as much pressure placed on those relationships. We get to love our friends and families, hell, we're SUPPOSED to love them, regardless of what they look like. 

I think a lot of closeted behavior comes with people who have been subject to their fair share of superficial relationships, whether from their families or friends, and it can be very difficult to see how to break that cycle or to figure out how to tell those people that their opinions on appearance are just not important. 

It's also very easy to feel attacked when you're called on the same behavior, even though you don't want to feel like it's who you are. I don't think when anyone says "nobody cares who you like!" that they are trying to be dismissive, they're just trying to be blunt about what _should_ be a universal truth, and that while it may not be the truth in the majority of your life, it truly is possible to make it so.


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## Weirdo890

My experience in coming out was quite good. I've actually only told a few people about my preferences. My dad and my friend. When I told my friend about my preference for fat girls, she said it was cool and admitted she was attracted to shorter guys. When I told my dad, he just laughed and said it was okay. He didn't care.

Either than those two, there's really been no need to bring up my sexual preferences. My family prefers not to talk about it. We're not afraid to talk about sex, but we feel that those things are private.


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## siren_

I don't think i don't have a "coming out" story. I like who I like and everyone finds different things to be attractive so why does being an FA have to be a big deal? I guess I never realized liking the big guys was taboo. :/ (I guess it's because, most of the people around here are fat anyway.) 

tl;dr I have no plans on announcing my sexual preferences to the everyone. Just the one person i'm with that actually matters. (I guess everyone will jsut figure it out sooner or later, if they haven't already.)


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## BubbleButtBoy

I've been _very_ selective about who I came out to. I come from a family where it behooves one to keep secrets, and as far as I'm concerned, they're never finding out (unless they hijack my computer). However, I have happened to trust a few people with my preference; happily, all of them were incredibly cool about it.
For example, coming out to my first person was a big deal for me, I must have spent ten minutes on a single message of facebook chat (FSM bless Facebook). After my long-winded explanation, the girl replied: "So?"
I realized then that it wasn't so big of a social deal as I had thought, just personal to me.
And that's what it remains: personal. I drop hints, but I don't broadcast it willy-nilly.


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## verucassault

there is a saying that i am sure i will mess up, but something along the lines of, if you knew how little people thought about you ..you wouldnt worry about it so much.

i understand the complex situation of realizing you are different, or not mainstream. but i think alot of the shame and guilt associated with admiring fat women is self inflicted and multiplied by the time someone spends in the closet alone with their feelings and wanking in their porno dungeon . 

i dont mean to minimize the experiences and genuine feelings of isolation of some fat admirers, i experience almost the same feelings when telling friends or family that i date white men. you sometimes get questions, you sometimes get negative responses, but most of the time, you are met with a "oh, okay" and you keep it moving.

people really arent that bothered


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## OhLaLaSoSexy

Why do people feel the need to "come out" about liking fat girls/guys? I dont believe i had to come out to my parents that im white. just saying...
Stop listening to society and live your own life. Not the way society wants you to live it.


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## desertcheeseman

kioewen said:


> What, is the approval of "friends" so important? Is there a belief that because most people seem to think a certain way, and the media pushes a certain standard, that that must be correct, and you're wrong? Why would anyone think that way, and hold their own opinions and tastes in such low regard?



Well, we humans are social animals and most of us tend to want to belong, and that usually involves adherence to the beliefs and practices of the group(s) we belong to. Most people fear conflict with those because they do not want to be ostracized or humiliated by the group, and face potential banishment. However, it also goes without saying that true friends will respect you no matter what your preferences are. In my group of friends, it's not even an issue that I'm attracted to fat women. Then again, my friends represent a whole range of sexual preferences, political views, religious persuasions, favorite pizza toppings, etc. so we had to learn how to accept each other early on just to keep us together. So I don't think you should look at coming out to your friends (about anything) as risking their friendship. You should look at it as an opportunity to raise their consciousness and improve the bonds you have with each other. Who knows, maybe one of your friends is a FA too, and they're just too shy to admit it themselves. And if it doesn't work out--why would you want to hang out with those people anyway? Find some new friends. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere in a town that has more sheep than people, you have plenty of options.


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## Haunted

OhLaLaSoSexy said:


> Why do people feel the need to "come out" about liking fat girls/guys? I dont believe i had to come out to my parents that im white. just saying...
> Stop listening to society and live your own life. Not the way society wants you to live it.



I think the term "coming out" is used because of lack of a better description. I read your blog and i liked it very much, in one of your posts you mentioned how society tries to tell us that anything over size 5 is wrong etc. well then what does it mean if you are honestly attracted to someone much larger than a size 5, to a kid going through adolescence this can really mess with your head (why am i attracted to what everyone says is bad or unattractive). the easy thing for a young FA is to deny their attraction, unfortunately its impossible for you to deny your fat, im not saying it's right, it just is, Society has managed to shame us all. most large people have felt ashamed or at least very self conscious about thier size at some point in their lives, i'm not all that thin either and i was a fat kid growing up, and that same shame ends up manifesting in the admirers as well, the difference is the fa's can hide. 

But by denying it we end up miserable, lost or not being able to find that connection that most couples have. it's not just about physical attraction, but physical attraction is part of the equation and if thats missing than its only a partial relationship. 

Veruccassault mentioned something about "if we only knew how little others thought of us" this is so true when i finally decided to be honest with myself and embrace my love and attraction BBW's i was a little freaked about what people might think. but in the end "we are our own worst enemies" most of my friends will make jokes but its all in fun and never demeaning or mean everyone deserves love and there is someone out there for everyone. Some people like tall people some like Short, some like thin, Some like Blondes, redheads, brunettes, etc and then there is the cream of the crop that love the fatties! 

so yeah it sucks that some feel the need to come out. But its only because something in our past put us in the closet, Much like your mom put you on that diet. 

Much love and all respect


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## Fat Brian

Being fat myself I really didn't think it was a big deal. I wonder if other fat FAs have had a similarly easy time. After a youth of being the butt of all the jokes I really didn't give a shit what anyone thought about me. I went out and got what I wanted, they are the ones missing out.


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## Zowie

I haven't come out to anyone about it yet. Gave a few hints to the now ex-boyfriend, he didn't really react. (Didn't care or didn't get the hints, I don't know)

Funny story however. I was hanging out with friends over the weekend, and for whatever reason they started to talk about the movie "Feed me", I haven't seen it, but it's a horror/feeder/feedee melee type of thing, and yadayadayada how it was so gross that the women were so fat...
Anyway, the convo switched to the fact that they had all heard that it was a real sexual fetish, and how they couldn't understand how someone could be attracted to a fat person and want to make them fatter, it was so WEIRD.

Meanwhile, I'm in the background, cutting huge peices of triple chocolate cake for everyone  Nah, I'm not really into feeding, but well, cake. >.>' It makes me happy when people eat.

Anyway, it made me realize that it's not a preference that I'll be broadcasting out loud much. Nope nope.


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## OhLaLaSoSexy

Haunted said:


> I think the term "coming out" is used because of lack of a better description. I read your blog and i liked it very much, in one of your posts you mentioned how society tries to tell us that anything over size 5 is wrong etc. well then what does it mean if you are honestly attracted to someone much larger than a size 5, to a kid going through adolescence this can really mess with your head (why am i attracted to what everyone says is bad or unattractive). the easy thing for a young FA is to deny their attraction, unfortunately its impossible for you to deny your fat, im not saying it's right, it just is, Society has managed to shame us all. most large people have felt ashamed or at least very self conscious about thier size at some point in their lives, i'm not all that thin either and i was a fat kid growing up, and that same shame ends up manifesting in the admirers as well, the difference is the fa's can hide.
> 
> But by denying it we end up miserable, lost or not being able to find that connection that most couples have. it's not just about physical attraction, but physical attraction is part of the equation and if thats missing than its only a partial relationship.
> 
> Veruccassault mentioned something about "if we only knew how little others thought of us" this is so true when i finally decided to be honest with myself and embrace my love and attraction BBW's i was a little freaked about what people might think. but in the end "we are our own worst enemies" most of my friends will make jokes but its all in fun and never demeaning or mean everyone deserves love and there is someone out there for everyone. Some people like tall people some like Short, some like thin, Some like Blondes, redheads, brunettes, etc and then there is the cream of the crop that love the fatties!
> 
> so yeah it sucks that some feel the need to come out. But its only because something in our past put us in the closet, Much like your mom put you on that diet.
> 
> Much love and all respect



Yanno....i actually kinda see what your saying. thanks for replying<3


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## LoveBHMS

I had a really interesting encounter last night at my part time job. I was telling one of the bartenders that i like fat guys and she asked why. She asked in all seriousness if being with a fat guy made me feel better about myself or less insecure about him cheating. She wasn't being rude at all, just genuinely curious. I said no, it's not a conscious or deliberate choice it's just how i am the same as a gay person. After that she understood, and i think it was really good that we had the conversation. i'm not saying it was good because random people need to know who i'd want to sleep with, but it's good for others to understand this is not something you choose for a reason or because it's easier, but that it's innate.


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## OhLaLaSoSexy

LoveBHMS said:


> I had a really interesting encounter last night at my part time job. I was telling one of the bartenders that i like fat guys and she asked why. She asked in all seriousness if being with a fat guy made me feel better about myself or less insecure about him cheating. She wasn't being rude at all, just genuinely curious. I said no, it's not a conscious or deliberate choice it's just how i am the same as a gay person. After that she understood, and i think it was really good that we had the conversation. i'm not saying it was good because random people need to know who i'd want to sleep with, but it's good for others to understand this is not something you choose for a reason or because it's easier, but that it's innate.



I think thats so amazing of you! I really do. Im glad you can open up about it and put it out there;]


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## LoveBHMS

OhLaLaSoSexy said:


> I think thats so amazing of you! I really do. Im glad you can open up about it and put it out there;]



Honestly the more you talk about it, the more you realize, as pointed out above, nobody really cares. How much time do you spend thinking about anyone else's sex life? That's about how much they spend thinking about yours. You may get the occaisional tease or comment, but really it is just not a big deal in the least. Like anything else, the less of a big deal you make about it the less of a big deal others do.


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## Haunted

LoveBHMS said:


> Honestly the more you talk about it, the more you realize, as pointed out above, nobody really cares. How much time do you spend thinking about anyone else's sex life? That's about how much they spend thinking about yours. You may get the occaisional tease or comment, but really it is just not a big deal in the least. Like anything else, the less of a big deal you make about it the less of a big deal others do.



EXACTLY !!!!


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## Ben from England

Good read. 

My whole 'coming out' thing was a very prolonged and awkward journey that had less to do with me liking fat chicks than it had to do with dealing with the fall out of being a fat kid. 

I don't know how many people here had a similar experience, but growing up fat one of the survival mechanisms I developed was to totally repress and camouflage any signs of my sexuality. Far beyond the hiding the fact I liked fat women, I tried to avoid any signs that I was attracted to any woman at all. Some of my most painful early memories associated with being fat involve me crushing on some girl by trying to make her laugh - (God knows being fat helps develop a sense of humor) or writing notes, some dickhead bully seeing this and then using that fact to mock the girl. I wasn't even the intended target, the implication that this girl could find my hideous fat self attractive was used to ridicule her. This would play out in a number of humiliating ways, ranging from the worst case scenario of the person distancing themselves from me for fear of further ridicule to the best case scenario of telling the bully to fuck off, defending me in a profoundly emasculating and patronizing manner and then having a few days or weeks of awkwardness linger. Obviously this was mortifying and painful. Very quickly I got very good at making sure no one would figure out if I had a crush on anyone. Shockingly, I became awkward around girls I liked, sensing the potential embarrassment and pounding my self esteem would take if anybody suggested anything. That isn't to say I was shy. I was a smart kid who had a decent sense of humor and I used insecurity and intelligence to fashion a sharp, spiteful wit that I used in equal measures to defend myself and belittle other people. Like so many fat kids who's stories I've read , I made up for my lack of play with the ladies and skill on the football pitch by building my ego around academic performance.

Anyways. This went on till I was about 16, at which point I lost a whole load of weight in a bunch of very unhealthy ways for which I received nothing but positive reinforcement from everybody except my mum, who was slightly unnerved by the fact I could tell her the calorie and fat content of every item in her cupboard. Suddenly I was no longer toxic to the fairer sex, though it took a while for me to start gaining any confidence. This gaining of confidence is where my sexuality started to emerge, though it was a bit of a tangled mess of bitterness for a while where I very much resented suddenly being deemed 'worthy' just because I'd lost weight and got muscles. Even though this attention is what I dreamed of. A tangled mess. 

I was never really in the closet per se. When I started going to clubs and all that at 18, at which point I had started to stabilize a bit, I always leaned towards the bigger girls. My friends didn't get it of course, but no one was really a dick and I had a great desire to show my them exactly who I was. I think, more than pride, it was residual anger from both being made to feel ashamed of my own sexuality and spurned because I was fat. I still have it a bit, in which I flaunt my FAness all the more and try to goad people who I know are fatty haters. I didn't want to be embarrassed and I didn't want to be one of those dicks who inflicted any more of that familiar pain on fat people than they/I already had to put up with. I vividly remember letting one of my best friends check out the porn collection on my computer when I was 18. He was bemused, but more curious than anything and very respectful. If anyone had a problem, I never heard about it and I always figured if they're taking the piss behind my back, fuck em, I can't hear it so they can say what they like. A few years back I drunkenly stumbled into an article whilst at a BBW club in London.

This is already way longer than I intended, but the impact actually meeting up with confident fat people and other FA's had on me can't be overstated. I had been on Dims since I was 12, ten years at that point, but going to this club changed the way I viewed liking fat girls. Literally overnight it went from being a kind of lonely experience that always had me on the defensive to being a part of myself that I really embraced (it probably helped that at 22 I was finally getting a good idea of who I was as a person). I had gone from having this preference that seemed like a hassle to being a member of my very own subculture. As much as they are meat markets with creepers and drama and all that, I love stepping into fat land at a bash or club for a night or a weekend and feeling like part of a unique and fun little club. That article went out and I had people I hadn't heard from in five years asking me about it. My friend's parents who I'd known since I can remember. I kind of regard that as a (second?) kind of coming out period. It was certainly a time within which there was a great shift in the way I viewed things and a time in which apparently EVERYONE I'VE EVER KNOWN became aware of my preference. As that article came out I met a gorgeous girl I was quite fond of, finally got to do the whole falling madly in love with shtick and a year and a half and one whirlwind romance later I'm about to take her off the market. That takes us up to today.

Wow. Sorry that was so redonk long. It's odd truncating all that into one post. There was something vaguely cathartic in writing it.


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## *Ravenous*

why do you need to come out about liking fat people...I assumed this was a thread about coming out like gay/lesbian something like that...not feeling this thread


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## LoveBHMS

*Ravenous* said:


> why do you need to come out about liking fat people...I assumed this was a thread about coming out like gay/lesbian something like that...not feeling this thread



Because this board is for FA/FFA. Some of them have a hard time with that for a variety of reasons.

In some cases they are simply confused about why they are turned on by something they've been told is not attractive. In some cases there are guilty feelings associated with it, either because some people hate being fat or due to potential health issues. For others there are negative comments from friends or relatives about a partner. It may even just be a matter of dealing with an anti-fat world or of liking something outside the mainstream or even liking something much different from your own choice of body type.

Whether you're "feeling" it or not is not relevant. This thread is here for FA/FFA to discuss issues about ourselves and negative comments either about FA or about the lines of discussion are not permitted. I'm not saying that to be rude or dismissive of your own feelings but it is the point of this board.


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## Blockierer

*Ravenous* said:


> why do you need to come out about liking fat people...I assumed this was a thread about coming out like gay/lesbian something like that...not feeling this thread


We live in a fat-phobic world. Fat people are often discriminated, get negative comments and being told that there is something wrong with them.
So, lots of us FAs think that there preference for fatties must be very strange. Every FA who had his coming out, or however you call this, is a positive example for others to do the same. 
I think it's very important for closeted FAs who want to change this that they learn from fellows FAs.


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD

My boyfriend has always dated heavier women and I am no exception.At first I know his mom was not too happy with me,but we have become really close and good friends.At first the reaction was,"great,another fat girl" but i think most of his family understands his taste and preference.I don't know about "coming out" though,i don't fit in closets very well!


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## Tau

Ben from England said:


> I don't know how many people here had a similar experience, but growing up fat one of the survival mechanisms I developed was to totally repress and camouflage any signs of my sexuality. Far beyond the hiding the fact I liked fat women, I tried to avoid any signs that I was attracted to any woman at all.



I hate shortening it into just this because this was honestly the most amazing post but this point just resonated with me. I still catch myself doing this. I'm still the chick who will viciously deny crushing on anybody of the opposite sex for exactly all the reasons you stated. I still remain very, very wary of men who don't let me know that they are FAs from the get go. I just can't tell you how its felt reading this from the perspective of a man - its just been such an eye - and soul - opener. Thank you for sharing it.


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## mszwebs

Tau said:


> I hate shortening it into just this because this was honestly the most amazing post but this point just resonated with me. I still catch myself doing this. *I'm still the chick who will viciously deny crushing on anybody of the opposite sex for exactly all the reasons you stated.*



Bolded statement, 100%.



Tau said:


> I still remain very, very wary of men who don't let me know that they are FAs from the get go. I just can't tell you how its felt reading this from the perspective of a man - its just been such an eye - and soul - opener. Thank you for sharing it.



Indeed. :kiss2: for Ben


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## gangstadawg

ok seriously the whole FA "coming out" thing really shouldnt be compared to GLBT "coming out". seriously has any FA EVER in the history of FA-dom ever been either disowned by there family for liking fat women (or men if a FFA) or threatened with violence or actually got into a fight because of your preference in women?
the least i expect to happen is a little bit of teasing and the most i expect to happen is that you may have to git rid of a few friends.


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## gangstadawg

Blockierer said:


> We live in a fat-phobic world. Fat people are often discriminated, get negative comments and being told that there is something wrong with them.
> So, lots of us FAs think that there preference for fatties must be very strange. Every FA who had his coming out, or however you call this, is a positive example for others to do the same.
> I think it's very important for closeted FAs who want to change this that they learn from fellows FAs.



the fat people are discriminated and attacked. FAs are not at least not yet. i doubt society will start attacking us FAs hell im not even sure if mainstream society even knows we fully exist.


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## musicman

gangstadawg said:


> seriously has any FA EVER in the history of FA-dom ever been either disowned by there family for liking fat women (or men if a FFA) or threatened with violence or actually got into a fight because of your preference in women?



Short answer is YES. Hasn't happened to me, but you should come to an FA workshop at a NAAFA convention or a Dimensions bash. I've heard guys relate some absolutely horrible experiences, especially about the treatment they've gotten from their own families.

No offense, but you don't know every FA. If it hasn't happened to you, consider yourself lucky, but don't assume it doesn't happen. Seriously.


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## gangstadawg

musicman said:


> Short answer is YES. Hasn't happened to me, but you should come to an FA workshop at a NAAFA convention or a Dimensions bash. I've heard guys relate some absolutely horrible experiences, especially about the treatment they've gotten from their own families.
> 
> No offense, but you don't know every FA. If it hasn't happened to you, consider yourself lucky, but don't assume it doesn't happen. Seriously.



no im just saying in comparison to the GLBT community and what can happen to a person coming out it doesnt happen that often.


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## Jon Blaze

gangstadawg said:


> no im just saying in comparison to the GLBT community and what can happen to a person coming out it doesnt happen that often.



Who said anything about that? "The closet" is just a metaphor, and no group has any specific rights or copyright to it.


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## exile in thighville

gangstadawg said:


> ok seriously the whole FA "coming out" thing really shouldnt be compared to GLBT "coming out". seriously has any FA EVER in the history of FA-dom ever been either disowned by there family for liking fat women (or men if a FFA)



actually yes. my girlfriend's ex remains kicked out of his house for it.

also plump princess to thread.


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## desertcheeseman

exile in thighville said:


> actually yes. my girlfriend's ex remains kicked out of his house for it.



Dude, how could anybody be so judgmental to their own loved ones based on a preference that, to my mind anyway, is mostly cosmetic? Wouldn't they want to love the person that he loves and try to understand what it was about that person that made him so happy? Why would you completely sever ties to someone you've loved and cared about for his entire life just because he loves a different kind of woman from the one you think he should? What possible kind of excuse could you give to justify that kind of hate for your own son? (Of course, I really don't understand homophobia either.)


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## exile in thighville

why are you asking me?


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## Seiger23

James said:


> Each FA has a 'coming out' story. These stories involve parents, friends, co-workers and many others. For some its easy but for most its a tough process that requires some inner strength to make the leap of faith. In spite of this, I have yet to hear a 'coming out' story that has ended in regret.
> 
> For some, that story has already happened and for others it yet to occur. I figure that when I was a younger bloke, I would have appreciated the chance to read a thread that chronicled the experiences of others like me. So along those lines, post your 'coming out' experiences (or your questions, as an FA, about your problems with coming out?) here...



I dont see why I should "come out". I dont lie, but ive never actually gone and said "Hey guys I like fat girls!". However my girlfriend and I had a bit of a talk, cant remember how it went but it turned into an extremely enlightening conversation!


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## desertcheeseman

exile in thighville said:


> why are you asking me?



Don't worry about it. It's more of a rhetorical question. If anyone could actually answer it, we'd be on the way to much saner and kinder world.


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## Jon Blaze

Seiger23 said:


> I dont see why I should "come out". I dont lie, but ive never actually gone and said "Hey guys I like fat girls!". However my girlfriend and I had a bit of a talk, cant remember how it went but it turned into an extremely enlightening conversation!



I don't want to say "Same thing," but that's basically the gist of the concept here. Not lying and treating your partner/potential as they should be treated = Being out. All the other stuff is just bells and whistles.


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## exile in thighville

just to kind of vanquish the whole "we laugh at what a silly thing to come out about" thing, remember it's society that marginalized y'all to the point where my mom has to clarify, "you like big girls?", not the fas. believe me, i never ever needed to have that conversation.


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## James

I can see why it seems irritating or even upsetting... but to speak to the whole gay vs FA comparison.... my mum's stance on that (stated during our first conversation after a couple of years of disownment) was "being gay and attracted to attractive men would have made more sense to her than being attracted to _ugly _fat women". 

I figure that there are few things these days that many people fear more or hate more than fatness. Being fat is transgressive of social norms. Liking fat is active support of this deviance. Even worse... it can be seen as an emotional sabotage that might stand in the way the moral imperative for an individual to 'cure' their fatness. There is a difference between the experience of being fat and the experience of being attracted to fat people... people react differently to each situation I think.


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## mollywogger

TotallyReal said:


> Just fucking date fat girls and if anyone gives you beef pummel them senseless with a folding chair and take their Intercontinental Title Belt



brilliant.

i love it.

amen. why do you even have to come out. is it really that bad to do such a thing lol.


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## liz (di-va)

James said:


> my mum's stance on that (stated during our first conversation after a couple of years of disownment) was "being gay and attracted to attractive men would have made more sense to her than being attracted to _ugly _fat women"


Gah...that's rough.


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## Jes

Tau said:


> I hate shortening it into just this because this was honestly the most amazing post but this point just resonated with me. I still catch myself doing this. I'm still the chick who will viciously deny crushing on anybody of the opposite sex for exactly all the reasons you stated. I still remain very, very wary of men who don't let me know that they are FAs from the get go. I just can't tell you how its felt reading this from the perspective of a man - its just been such an eye - and soul - opener. Thank you for sharing it.



me too, exactly.


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## drewedwards

I didn't really "come out" per say. I just started being more open and honest about what I think is attractive. And most of my friends pretty much already knew. It hasn't really been a "thing" at all.


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## MattB

James said:


> I can see why it seems irritating or even upsetting... but to speak to the whole gay vs FA comparison.... my mum's stance on that (stated during our first conversation after a couple of years of disownment) was "being gay and attracted to attractive men would have made more sense to her than being attracted to _ugly _fat women".



Way harsh. I hope things have improved between you and your mum. My Mom passed away nearly two years ago, but we had gotten over our issues long before that and I'm eternally grateful...

I don't think it's that big a deal for FA's to call it 'coming out'. We all deserve to be true to ourselves at some point, and it's not always easy to admit it- especially if we don't think our loved ones will support us unconditionally. I have a close family member who came out as gay recently, at nearly 40 years of age no less, who lived in denial their whole life about who they were. (And hid it supremely well!) There's no way that I would equate my situation with what they went through, but I know how liberating it feels to finally say to the world "Screw you! This is me!" I only wish they had done it sooner. I hope I'm making sense. I try not to assume that something that isn't a big deal to me isn't an absolutely earth-shattering big deal to someone else. It's hard, but I try.




drewedwards said:


> I didn't really "come out" per say. I just started being more open and honest about what I think is attractive. And most of my friends pretty much already knew. It hasn't really been a "thing" at all.



Yes, this is an important step. I even had some friends try to 'set me up' once they found out. Bless 'em...


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## superodalisque

Blockierer said:


> We live in a fat-phobic world. Fat people are often discriminated, get negative comments and being told that there is something wrong with them.
> So, lots of us FAs think that there preference for fatties must be very strange. Every FA who had his coming out, or however you call this, is a positive example for others to do the same.
> I think it's very important for closeted FAs who want to change this that they learn from fellows FAs.



not to invalidate what you have to say re: FA and mentoring. i think thats great. but i think we all need to be careful about the fat phobic world thing. the entire world is not fat phobic. there are a lot of fat folks who don't experience the world that way. there are a lot of people out there who love us. look at this site! and that doesn't count our friends and relatives who do love and support us and tell everybody that they wouldn't have us any other way than how we are right now. and there are a lot who do. their love should not be ignored. and when looking at a lot of the coming out experiences here it seems that a lot of people have found that things are not as bad as they thought after all. we have to be careful, both BBWs and FAs not to see the diet industry driven media as the truth. i think part of the reason there are so many closet FAs and underconfident BBWs is because they are sure everyone is out to get them.

in general people really don't care that much. they note it for a few seconds because its different and then go back to thinking of their own lives. and the few people who do make comments are just some sad individuals who probably actually hate themselves and their own bodies more than any fat person could. they assume that we agree with them that we are disgusting so they won't be called on their bs and can scapegoat others for their misery unopposed. and often they are right. they point fingers because they want to pre-empt any being pointed at them. its not what other people seem to believe about us that is important. its what we believe about ourselves that people smell on us. do we think we are weird odd or wrong? thats what they are looking for. the only way to get rid of the scent of fear is to get out into the open air where its fresh and breezy and to stop hiding. air that stuff out. when no one smells the fear on you they move on.


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## drewedwards

MattB said:


> Yes, this is an important step. I even had some friends try to 'set me up' once they found out. Bless 'em...




I've been lucky enough to have cool friends who aren't narrow minded I suppose. They accept it as just part of who I am. 

It did cause some small issues with my ex-wife off and on. But even that wasn't anything compared to some of the stories I've seen online. 

Like I said, I guess I've been lucky.


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## superodalisque

James said:


> I can see why it seems irritating or even upsetting... but to speak to the whole gay vs FA comparison.... my mum's stance on that (stated during our first conversation after a couple of years of disownment) was "being gay and attracted to attractive men would have made more sense to her than being attracted to _ugly _fat women".
> 
> I figure that there are few things these days that many people fear more or hate more than fatness. Being fat is transgressive of social norms. Liking fat is active support of this deviance. Even worse... it can be seen as an emotional sabotage that might stand in the way the moral imperative for an individual to 'cure' their fatness. There is a difference between the experience of being fat and the experience of being attracted to fat people... people react differently to each situation I think.



wow i really feel bad that you went though that. but you know a lot of things that people do an say that are harmful really isn't about you or the fat person that you love. its about them. for instance how is the person feeling about themselves and their life when they make negative statements? where are they in their life?--especially if its a woman there can be body dysmorphia of their own of some kind that they are struggling with . maybe the person fears some sort of social embarrassment and losing some sort of social status among peers just as some FAs might? maybe its a lashing out because suddenly someone is of an age that they can look at and analyze an adult and they fear that. is the person emotionally abusive in other ways?

i don't think fat people are hated or despised worldwide at all. i've traveled a lot over the years. people find me interesting and different but i have never experienced people actually hating me for being fat. even my SOs that i've traveled with haven't experienced bad treatment because of my size. sure people have made occasional references (at home in the US and once in London from a drunken old lady) intended to be negative but they only last a couple of seconds. its not enough to hinge my whole life on. in total maybe .09% of my contact with the world had been about my fat and not all of it negative. thats way too little to let that influence the way that i live. for an FA i would think it would be even less. its up to you what you allow to influence your life the most --the good or the bad. 

people have issues with their loved ones for various reasons. i had a difficult mother. there were times when i didn't talk to or see her for years when i was young just to let her know that if she wanted a relationship with me that i required a certain level of respect. i loved her but she was the type of person that you had to be strong with or she'd drive you into the ground with all of her irrational behavior that was brought on mainly because she was just an injured sad insecure person. fat was an issue for her too. she really hated her own body. she had been made fun of a lot as a child for various reasons. she was never fat. she was actually extraordinarily beautiful which brought its own set of problems in the deep south where it was basically legal for any man to take advantage of a lovely black woman. i couldn't allow her warped ideas to take hold in me or to shape my outlook about the entire world because i didn't want my life well totally poisoned. not everyone thinks like she thought and i'm so glad of it. its wonderful to know that.


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## drewedwards

My parents haven't ever really commented one way or the other on the weight of the girls I'm with. I know they think Jamie is lovely though.


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## Weirdo890

Well, last night I let my parents know that I frequent Dims last night. I let them know it was a plus-sized site. They were fine with it. I don't think they really care who I date, as long as they know I'm safe and that I don't do anything reckless with the girl. They just want to be informed on my life. I'm glad I have open-minded parents who are also concerned about my life. :happy:


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## butch

fwiw, in this essay, the authors talk about coming out as a fat woman, so 'coming out' works for all different kinds of identities.

http://books.google.com/books?id=Rg...AA#v=onepage&q=divinity moon sedgwick&f=false


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## Weirdo890

Last night was another night of revelation. I had told my mom a while ago that I met my girlfriend on here. Then, last night she asked how I found this site and why I would be here. I told her it because I was an FA, (actually I used the term "chubby chaser"). She was perfectly all right with it. I was happy about that.


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## Micara

Weirdo890 said:


> Last night was another night of revelation. I had told my mom a while ago that I met my girlfriend on here. Then, last night she asked how I found this site and why I would be here. I told her it because I was an FA, (actually I used the term "chubby chaser"). She was perfectly all right with it. I was happy about that.



Eric, that's terrific! I'm proud of you.


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## Paragon_of_boredom

This seems like a good place to start my community adventure. 

My story is a bit short because my preference was pretty much announced to everyone at a party. My friends were making jokes about each other and when they reached me they hit the nail on the head. My best friend in jest said "Thats your type of girl man" while pointing at the largest girl at the party. I agreed with a sheepish smile which led to them asking questions. After a brief yet detailed reply we all returned to the party. Its not exactly the most captivating tale but my friends all accepted my fetish. 

As for my family they all found out after I exited puberty. They would catch me glancing at the many bbws and ssbbws in town.


----------



## Weirdo890

Paragon_of_boredom said:


> This seems like a good place to start my community adventure.
> 
> My story is a bit short because my preference was pretty much announced to everyone at a party. My friends were making jokes about each other and when they reached me they hit the nail on the head. My best friend in jest said "Thats your type of girl man" while pointing at the largest girl at the party. I agreed with a sheepish smile which led to them asking questions. After a brief yet detailed reply we all returned to the party. Its not exactly the most captivating tale but my friends all accepted my fetish.
> 
> As for my family they all found out after I exited puberty. They would catch me glancing at the many bbws and ssbbws in town.



I'm glad you have friends and family that are so accepting. Good for you pal. :bow:


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## Lamia

From a SSBBW perspective I've experienced men who aren't open about liking fat women. I never thought about them being in the closet I just thought they were dicks. Some of these are my experiences some are my friend's experiences. 

* They walk 15 steps ahead of you in public and pretend you're not actually together.
* They pull their hand away in public and look around to see if anyone noticed.
* They only come over to your house at night.
* You've never went on a "real date" in public. 
* When you're introduced to family it's "this is my friend" so and so. 
* They tell you about how their skinny wife/girlfriend doesn't understand them or make them feel loved they way you do. You find out they're sleeping with 2 other large ladies. 

This last one I've seen the most. Men marry a skinny girl and have affairs with fat women. It's sort of like a man/woman marrying a woman/man then dating men/women. It's a front. They weren't strong enough to endure public scrutiny. 

I don't think an FA needs to say anything to out themselves. If you're dating a fat girl and holding her hand in public you're out.


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## Blockierer

Lamia said:


> .
> I don't think an FA needs to say anything to out themselves. If you're dating a fat girl and holding her hand in public you're out.


I completely agree. 
Why should I tell anyone that a fat female body is arousing to me? I'm married to a SSBBW. Everybody can see that I love a fat woman, I am not able to hide such a big woman. There is not an explanation - some may call this "coming out" - necessary.


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## Fat Brian

In my personal experience just being married to a fat woman is not enough. After meeting my wife some uncouth workmates asked why I "settled" for my wife. I had to make clear in no uncertain terms I wanted and chose to be with a fat woman. I mean you don't have to walk around flashing your boner 24/7 but if asked you should be willing to take a stand. Thats what being "out" means to me, that and don't do any of the crap Lamia mentioned.Also, a little PDA never killed anybody.


----------



## Lamia

Fat Brian said:


> In my personal experience just being married to a fat woman is not enough. After meeting my wife some uncouth workmates asked why I "settled" for my wife. I had to make clear in no uncertain terms I wanted and chose to be with a fat woman. I mean you don't have to walk around flashing your boner 24/7 but if asked you should be willing to take a stand. Thats what being "out" means to me, that and don't do any of the crap Lamia mentioned.Also, a little PDA never killed anybody.



You're awesome. That is true. I think sometimes when people do see someone with a fat mate they think "wow that person let themselves go and what a tropper their mate is for staying with their fat @#$." 

It's important for FAs to know that by making a simple gesture of reaching for your mate's hand you're saying to the world I choose this person and I cherish them. 

I don't think I am the only fat girl here who has spent their life feeling invisible. It shouldn't matter, but it does make you feel better when you're SO displays public affection for you. When they do that they're taking a stand for you and validating you as a romantic interest.

Block you're awesome too.


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## Fat Brian

You're right, it doesn't have to be a fully involved make-out session but a little hand holding or a pat on the butt every now and then can say a lot. And its okay to want to feel that validation, its natural to want to feel accepted.


----------



## Nutty

Paragon_of_boredom said:


> This seems like a good place to start my community adventure.
> 
> My story is a bit short because my preference was pretty much announced to everyone at a party. My friends were making jokes about each other and when they reached me they hit the nail on the head. My best friend in jest said "Thats your type of girl man" while pointing at the largest girl at the party. I agreed with a sheepish smile which led to them asking questions. After a brief yet detailed reply we all returned to the party. Its not exactly the most captivating tale but my friends all accepted my fetish.
> 
> As for my family they all found out after I exited puberty. They would catch me glancing at the many bbws and ssbbws in town.



I know your pain dude.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Lamia said:


> You're awesome. That is true. I think sometimes when people do see someone with a fat mate they think "wow that person let themselves go and what a tropper their mate is for staying with their fat @#$."
> 
> It's important for FAs to know that by making a simple gesture of reaching for your mate's hand you're saying to the world I choose this person and I cherish them.
> 
> I don't think I am the only fat girl here who has spent their life feeling invisible. It shouldn't matter, but it does make you feel better when you're SO displays public affection for you. When they do that they're taking a stand for you and validating you as a romantic interest.
> 
> Block you're awesome too.



I agree with you....about both of them  :bow:


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## Weirdo890

Lamia said:


> You're awesome. That is true. I think sometimes when people do see someone with a fat mate they think "wow that person let themselves go and what a tropper their mate is for staying with their fat @#$."
> 
> It's important for FAs to know that by making a simple gesture of reaching for your mate's hand you're saying to the world I choose this person and I cherish them.
> 
> I don't think I am the only fat girl here who has spent their life feeling invisible. It shouldn't matter, but it does make you feel better when you're SO displays public affection for you. When they do that they're taking a stand for you and validating you as a romantic interest.
> 
> Block you're awesome too.



I told my girlfriend that I would love to do these things for her. Not just to make her good, but to express my true feelings. I heartily approve both posts. His original and your response. You two are good in my book. :bow:


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## Jon Blaze

The last few posts bring up an important point. With the society we live in, it's almost extra important to make cues that show true love and adoration in our case.


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## Weirdo890

Jon Blaze said:


> The last few posts bring up an important point. With the society we live in, it's almost extra important to make cues that show true love and adoration in our case.



I think that should be true for any relationship, not just ones with BBWs/BHMs. Everybody wants to know they're loved. :happy:


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## nrj1986

I never had a real coming out. It just wasn't necessary. My friends of course noticed my preference in women and simply accepted it. My family probably knows about it too but they don't care as long as she's a nice girl... 



Lamia said:


> I don't think I am the only fat girl here who has spent their life feeling invisible. It shouldn't matter, but it does make you feel better when you're SO displays public affection for you. When they do that they're taking a stand for you and validating you as a romantic interest.



Concerning that, you're definately not the only one. At least three of the woman I dated explained to me that they were so happy that I showed my love for them in public, too. Not just at home... At first I could not really understand it since to me it seemed self-evident that I kiss or hold her in public. One of those girls even pointed out that I was the first guy who ever held her hand while taking a walk. On the one hand that made me sad but on the other hand it made me happy because I could give her some of the affection she had been denied so far.
But with these experiences in mind I noticed that showing your affection is really important for woman (especially if they are on the chubby side). So I will just show it even more.


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## choudhury

Well, like some in this thread, I never 'came out' officially. But most of the women I dated when single - and there were only, maybe, five in total - were on the big side. Tellingly, the two most successful relationships were with quite overweight girls. I married a woman who was overweight and who was an absolute foodee to boot (her gain has been slow and steady since then). And in no way do I disguise my affection for her in public or hide her away or anything. In that sense, my preferences are obvious for all to see.

My view of this is atypical, maybe. I went out with fat women, and married one. I did not ever publicly declare or announce to anyone that 'THIS IS MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE.' If I were to be completely honest, I would say this originated from a combination of embrassment at being ridiculed for being 'weird' AND a more general distaste with being put in a position to publicly talk about my sex life as well as, likely, defend and discuss my preferences. I'm old-school in that sense. People should just live as they please - no need or, worse, requirement to advertise. 

The phenomenon of 'coming out' makes sense, especially when a group is targeted for oppression on that basis (e.g., gays and lesbians), so I'm not trying to bash it. But I also think there's something _unseemly_ about the general tendency within our culture to make one's sexuality a public 'issue.' I dislike the whole confessional turn in the culture (of which coming out can be one small part). Our sex lives are no one's business but our own, and - contrary to Freud - we don't need to be defined by our sexuality. And there seems to be something dignified about keeping it that way.

(Of course, you can accuse me of a contradiction here, because obviously I'm on-line and discussing it.  I don't think there's all that much of a contradiction there, though - anonymity is its own form of privacy, perhaps. Anyway, I'm not trying to say that coming out is wrong, just that there are other defensible models of living your life).


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## AnnMarie

I'm bumping this thread as I've recently received a PM directly related and I think it's important that this thread be available and visible to young/developing FAs who need to know that it's possible and helpful to start living as true to yourself as possible.


----------



## Christov

Me: I like fat girls.

Friend: Okay.

The End.


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## joswitch

Christov said:


> Me: I like fat girls.
> 
> Friend: Okay.
> 
> The End.



was he cooking eggs?


(Eddie Izzard reference)


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## mulimel

Well, my mom and brother have been picking on me because the guy I'm currently with is a bhm (annoying, because his personality is incredible (so they really have nothing to complain about) and he's not extreme, just overweight enough to have an amazingly cuddly physique.) I think my dad has already figured out my preferences, but is civilized so he doesn't mention them.

So, one night while on my radio show recently I had a friend co-host. I knew my family would be listening so during a break we rehearsed how he would help me announce my preference on the air. This is how it went down:

Me: Hey, guess what?
Friend: You're a chubby chaser?
Me: Well, actually, yes. Yes I am. Specifically, a beer belly is hot. And I'll never be without a cozy warm hug.
Text message from my mom, listening: WHAAAAAAAAA?!
Text from me, in response: You forgot a t.

The next day, while talking on the phone with her, she brought it up, in a non-critical way. It was pretty cool that just saying that that's what I like and I don't care about what other people think helped her realize that no matter what she thinks, I'll keep going for the big guys because that's just what I'm attracted to.


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## Blockierer

mulimel said:


> .It was pretty cool that just saying that that's what I like and I don't care about what other people think helped her realize that no matter what she thinks, I'll keep going for the big guys because that's just what I'm attracted to.


Cool story  And congratulation your out 
Really I love such stories


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## TimeTraveller

In my own case, "coming out" is irrelevant because the term assumes one was ever hiding it in the first place. Since my first crush was the fattest girl in 2nd grade, it was no secret I'm a Fat Admirer. I do recognize it takes courage for many people to admit to the world that they like fat women, and it's no small matter. However I'm very lucky. Not did I eventually marry that same girl (and my wife is still generally the fattest woman wherever we go :smitten, but it took next to no courage for me to admit I'm a Fat Admirer because I simply didn't care what anyone thought.


----------



## The Orange Mage

I am out about being an FA, sure. It's a blessing. I've never received any flak for being an FA, other than partners who weren't too keen on it, usually because of my next point.

I am not so out about being the type of FA who has no limit to how big of a woman he can admire. It's a curse. *Always* fantasizing about bigger, softer, fatter, when almost every woman would rather be headed in the opposite direction. It sometimes makes me feel like some kind of meta-rapist. I'm completely understanding about someone wanting their body a certain way, but I wish I was made in a way that was compatible with that instead of more more more. It's not that a woman isn't fat enough, it's just that a woman can't be too fat. There's a subtle difference, I guess.


----------



## Scorsese86

When did you start to "come out" because you're straight?

For the guys here who are FAs: you're straight. Big whoop! It's not something you need to get out of the closet to do. Gee.


----------



## James

Just wanted to chip in with my two cents on some of the "FAs-cant-be-in-the-closet-because-thats-a-gay-place" sentiment I've been reading. 

I think that distancing the metaphor from an FA application, perhaps because it has a gay connotation (?), seems a bit pointless/homophobic when there are so many behavioral similarities.

Similarly, it also seems a bit of a flawed presumption to assume that all readers here are straight?


----------



## Scorsese86

I am not saying all members of Dims are straight. Believe me, I know they are not all straight. What I am saying is this: what's the big deal? If you are a guy, and you fancy fat girls, what's the big deal?

I think everybody should be open about their preferance, but what's the big deal that someone likes fat girls? I don't see a problem with that. What are people afraid of?


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## Blockierer

The Orange Mage said:


> I am out about being an FA, sure. .
> 
> *Always* fantasizing about bigger, softer, fatter, . .


And what about real fat women? Are you kissing, holding hands with fat women in public? Or, does that mean that you are out about your fantasies?
Just a question?


----------



## Fat Brian

Scorsese86 said:


> I am not saying all members of Dims are straight. Believe me, I know they are not all straight. What I am saying is this: what's the big deal? If you are a guy, and you fancy fat girls, what's the big deal?
> 
> I think everybody should be open about their preferance, but what's the big deal that someone likes fat girls? I don't see a problem with that. What are people afraid of?



While I agree with you, some people do have a difficult time with it. They have internalized certain attitudes that make their FAness feel wrong or uncomfortable. Someone who has grown up looking down on fat people then suddenly finds themselves sexually aroused by them has some shit to work out.


----------



## FAjastone

When I first figured out my preference for bbw's, I was kind of ashamed. I mean, everything around me screamed skinny= sexy, so I didn't say anything about it to anyone. It took until my junior year of high school to tell my parents, and they are, well their not supportive, but their not unsupportive if that makes any sense. My sister still gives me crap about being a "chubby chaser" though, I used to let it get under my skin, but I am not ashamed of being an FA any more. I don't tell everyone I meet, but if someone asks, I explain it.


----------



## The Orange Mage

I just sorta came out to my mom the other day. I mean, she probably figured it out once I brought home a supersized partner, but it eventually came up in a conversation and whatever point I was trying to make was too interesting for it to remain unsaid.

Of course I didn't go into the details too much, or any of the weight-gain or really supersize aspects of it, but overall she actually loves the idea of it since she hates the whole "size zero worship" crap and such. Told her though that guys like me are sometimes just like all the others, just with a different bullshit standard.


----------



## Make_Lunch_Not_War

It's funny but I never felt I had to "come out" with my preference for fat women. I'm assuming that the reason for this lies mostly with the fact that I've always been fat myself.

However, once I became a "mature adult" (which didn't happen until my mid-20s), I could care less what other people thought of my preference.


----------



## Fat Brian

Make_Lunch_Not_War said:


> It's funny but I never felt I had to "come out" with my preference for fat women. I'm assuming that the reason for this lies mostly with the fact that I've always been fat myself.
> 
> However, once I became a "mature adult" (which didn't happen until my mid-20s), I could care less what other people thought of my preference.



I mentioned the same point, I was fat and an outsider anyway so I didn't feel any pressure to live up to anyone expectation since I already didn't.


----------



## TimeTraveller

Fat Brian said:


> I mentioned the same point, I was fat and an outsider anyway so I didn't feel any pressure to live up to anyone expectation since I already didn't.


I was an outsider too, but it was because I was a nerd long before nerds were cool. As an outsider it was incredibly liberating to think for myself and not really care what others thought. They didn't expect me to fit in anyway. One example was typing class in high school in the early 1970s. Back then we had mostly manual typewriters and a few electric models. I like to brag I built my own steam-engine-powered typewriter, and instead of a bell it had a calliope whistle (not true but it breaks the ice at parties). Anyway, some of the jocks used to corner me and pick on me: "Ha ha! You're in a class with all the girls!" That is, until I pointed out, "Yes. I'm in a class with all the girls. And you're not." Gradually it began to dawn on them that there might be something to that typing nonsense, and a few football players actually turned up in typing class! Nowadays of course typing is a great skill.

Maybe that's why I didn't catch much flak for dating the fattest girl in high school. I might have had oddball ideas, and even if my classmates couldn't comprehend it, most seemed to think there was method in my madness. So if that nerd wants to date a fat girl, well, more power to him. How do you like that? A nerd who became repectable!


----------



## Fat Brian

See, I basically didn't give a shit what anyone thought about me. I had been told for years I was not one of them and was not welcome in the popular crowd so when the chubby girls started catching my eye I didn't have any pressure to meet their standards.


----------



## squeezablysoft

*I think maybe it's easier for FFA's than for male FA's, cause women are expected to be more interested in personality and such whereas guys are stereotyped as being very visual (and of course everyone knows only thin ppl can be visually appealing  ). I just tell anybody who cares to know "I like chubby guys, I think they're cute". Nobody's freaked out about it or even really seemed surprised. Coming out as bi is actually harder for me, but prolly because I'm still a bit unsure of my (gender) orientation, i.e. I'm more sure that I like fat guys then I am that I like women (of any size). I do wonder sometimes if ppl see me in my wheelchair and think "Well, of course you have to "aim low", poor thing" and I would imagine that also happens with FA's/FFA's who are fat themselves. But I think you have to not worry what others think and just do what (and who) makes you happy.*


----------



## choudhury

I don't think there is any question that it is more socially acceptable for a woman to be with a fat guy than for a guy to be with a fat woman. 

This is a ricochet off the deeper societal assumption that women are defined and valued primarily in terms of looks (with 'fat' being automatically assumed to be less appealing); while men are more typically defined and valued in terms of prestige, wealth, power, etc.. 

For exactly the same reason, it's more acceptable for a women to be with an older man, than the reverse.


----------



## rabbitislove

I think Ive become more comfortable with it due to Dims. I came here as a shy 20 year old FFA who didnt know how to respond when guys I dated made self deprecating statements due to their weight and didnt know how to cope with worry about how Id be perceived by others. Having this community was huge in being more open with my preferences and giving fewer fucks what others may think(that came with age as well).I feel due to the bear scene, my gay friends have been some of the most accepting. I ended up coming out to one of my gay best friends after he set me up with a more athletic type on a blind date a couple of years ago. The majority of people just want me to be happy (and if Im in a satisfying relationship with a fat guy they are cheering me on). Most of my family knows and have been positive. I had a recent conversation with my brother that went as such:

Me: Im really interested in a guy I met through this website for chubby chasers.

Brother: Well they can't all be skinny like A (our sister fiancee). Im happy for you. You're a good judge of character and Im glad you aren't dating your ex anymore


----------



## squeezablysoft

*Well, I just came out in my school's class of 2020 Facebook group chat, it was surprisingly cool and low-key:
Person 1: Posted pic of a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla
Me: Jack Black makes something like that: [ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqyPdWsjM34[/ame] In addition to being hilarious and adorable, Jack also has very similar taste in food to me. Clearly he is my soulmate.
Person 2: Jack black adorable??? Um ok lol
Person 3: Lol
Me: *blushes* I'm a bit of a chubby chaser
there I said it whew it's good to be "out" lol
Person 3: Haha that's cool
We're all different
Person 4: It takes every type of person to make the world go around.

Only a handful of my classmates-to-be are there now, but the chat stays up and I'm sure word will get around. :happy:*


----------



## Harley Rider

Never had to really "come out". Always dated the biggest girls in school/college. Parents and friends hated me. Made comments like, "Why do you always go after the big jobs?" And I am like cause that is what I like and find sexy!!!
Then when I married my X she was 400, and they would not accept her always looked down on her.
Now single gain and looking they said to me, "So, you get the big ones out of your system?" And of course I told them, [email protected] NO!!!!


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## Van

I have recently come out to the whole world that I am a fat admirer. Almost everybody who knew me pretty much figured, because almost all of the women I dated were big. When I was a kid, I was ashamed of it. Now it is my trademark. It is me. It is attributed to the fairly unique person that I am.


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## lovelymars908

I never found myself the need to come out. Why? *I don't exactly consider myself an FFA. At all.* I just came to the realization that I can be attracted to bigger gentlemen too. Even when I told my family, it wasn't a huge revelation and all felt normal.

This may sound off-topic, but I'm not so much concerned with my physical preferences on what's attractive then I'm more concerned with me coming out being asexual. Yeah, I'm definitely busy dealing with that. And yes, it does have to do with a lot of my personal position in the FA community as a whole. I'm not looking at any relationships because I don't care about that right now, and I really don't consider fatness to be a fetish. I find it all very fascinating than arousing.

The point being... I'm only in the FA community because it's the hub where fat people are the focus and acceptable, and it doesn't need to get further than that. However, I think I feel a bit shunned for my... very unique position as an ace.


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