# FA mistakes?



## Tad (Apr 7, 2009)

Have you ever done something specifically FA related that you now realize was really a mistake? 

=====================================

Here is (one) of mine, as a start. When my wife was first getting plus-sized, she began to comment how she felt very self-conscious in many social situations, because she was very clearly the fattest one there. In classic male manner, I took these comments to indicate a problem which I was supposed to solve. 

Her losing weight was not a solution I wanted to encourage. Her learning not to mind being the biggest there was clearly going to take a fair bit of time, at the least. So after a bit of pondering, I announced one day that we should set out to make some fat friends, to make for more comfortable socializing. I even offered to come up with ways to try and find them. 

It made perfect sense to me at the time. 

To my wife, not so much. 

I think it was right around then that she started talking about not wanting to get any bigger :doh:

So yah, I think the lesson is that if a woman is uncomfortable with her size, suggesting you alter your lives to make her size less of an issue is probably not wise.....


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## swamptoad (Apr 7, 2009)

Sometimes, my wife has a sense of humor about herself that I JUST DON"T GET. I have been trying to get used to it and not be all sensitive about it either. 

And it rarely happens but when it does it still kinda bugs me. 

It's basically just her joking around and taking light of situations (in front of family or friends) and she makes humor about "fat" .. 

We've talked to one another about it and now I have become less-sensitive as I understand reasons why she does it. I think that I dig way too deep into what she jokes about and it somehow bothers me. 

Now, I don't react as uptight and quiet and so on as I had in the past.

So thats my mistake, I suppose.


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## exile in thighville (Apr 7, 2009)

god, where to begin.

got my first date ever, at 13, canceled because i was a creep and joked to mildly bigger girl about feeding her chocolates and teasing about gaining.

took advantage of one chubbyish girlfriend's open mind and good nature by showing her paysite girls all the time and basically slamming home the point HI YOU'RE TOO SMALL.

during feederguilt phase decided not to tell fat girlfriend about feederism and ended up trying to get my fix to girls on cam while gf slept next to me. she wasn't always asleep.


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## Ben from England (Apr 7, 2009)

Sometimes, I wish I could just Shut The Fuck Up. 

I dunno if it's totally FA exclusive, but my biggest mistake, one that I still make time and time again, is saying absolutely everything I am worried about or thinking. 

A perfect FA example is my never ending, cyclical battle with good old FA guilt. I think there is a point when you have to decide whether what you’re saying is constructive or just tired neurosis that is a drag to hear about. I want a communicative relationship and all, but I wish I didn't make my girlfriend (and everyone else around me) suffer through every inch of my personal growth, as an FA or otherwise.


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## Mini (Apr 7, 2009)

It took me awhile to realize that calling girls fat was not as much of a compliment to them as I intended it to be.


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## Jon Blaze (Apr 7, 2009)

Mini said:


> It took me awhile to realize that calling girls fat was not as much of a compliment to them as I intended it to be.



Something like this. It's hard for me to know whether the person I'm talking to finds the term derogatory, neutral, or of endearment. I don't use it often, because I can never know initially.


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## Haunted (Apr 7, 2009)

Ben from England said:


> Sometimes, I wish I could just Shut The Fuck Up.
> 
> I dunno if it's totally FA exclusive, but my biggest mistake, one that I still make time and time again, is saying absolutely everything I am worried about or thinking.
> 
> A perfect FA example is my never ending, cyclical battle with good old FA guilt. I think there is a point when you have to decide whether what youre saying is constructive or just tired neurosis that is a drag to hear about. I want a communicative relationship and all, but I wish I didn't make my girlfriend (and everyone else around me) suffer through every inch of my personal growth, as an FA or otherwise.



I totally go on and on to my gf about my guilt and my feelings about being an fa, I make myself crazy I can only imagine the silent screams of "shut up and just love me for me! And know I love you neaurosis and all"


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## Cors (Apr 8, 2009)

Jon Blaze said:


> Something like this. It's hard for me to know whether the person I'm talking to finds the term derogatory, neutral, or of endearment. I don't use it often, because I can never know initially.



Totally this! My fat friends didn't like me asking them to join Dims either because they don't relate or don't want to relate to the fat experience. 

Years of having to defend my preference makes me overexplain my preference sometimes, even though it is not something one should have to justify.


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## exile in thighville (Apr 8, 2009)

Cors said:


> Years of having to defend my preference makes me overexplain my preference sometimes, even though it is not something one should have to justify.



oh bingo hard.


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## mergirl (Apr 8, 2009)

Cors said:


> Totally this! My fat friends didn't like me asking them to join Dims either because they don't relate or don't want to relate to the fat experience.
> 
> Years of having to defend my preference makes me overexplain my preference sometimes, even though it is not something one should have to justify.


indeed.
I remember once about 6 years ago i was in a pub and this fat chick was moaning that her friends had all hooked up with people and left her.. I started talking about dimensions chat etc and how there are loads of people who think fat women are really beautiful. She was really pissed off at me. I learned that some fat women dont want you to acknowledge they are fat. I think i got carried away in 'fat' acceptance and thought all fat people in the world would share my joy at the fact there are Fa's and fat people who dont hate you when you use the word fat. I think dimensions can be a slight fa/fat accepting bubble at times.. which used to burst and sting my eyes in the real world... Think you learn pretty quick though, when you see someone being upset like that.


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## CCC (Apr 8, 2009)

This wasn't really an external mistake with consequences; more of a mistake of mindset. I think this is a pretty classic one, which has just as much to do with being an asshole as being an FA.

A few years ago I approached a big girl who I liked and basically professed my feelings for her (including the fact that I thought her body was beautiful), absolutely sure beforehand that she would joyously reciprocate, because she would have finally found the rare and valued "FA," who she had probably been seeking her whole life.

She wasn't at all interested, which left me confused and disappointed at the time.

Needless to say (hopefully) I've matured since then.


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## Tad (Apr 8, 2009)

Cors said:


> Totally this! My fat friends didn't like me asking them to join Dims either because they don't relate or don't want to relate to the fat experience.



This would be my FA mistake #2, committed a year or two after number one, described above, and showing that I still didn't get it. Upon first getting online and finding size acceptance sites, I gushed to my wife about how wonderful all this was and told her she should check them out.

Erm, didn't go over so well. She had less than no interest, she quite clearly had no desire to deliberately associate with other fat people. She could, somewhat grudgingly, accept that this is something important to me, but she doesn't want to know about it, or have it brought into our joint lives at all. 

After that I set up mental 'paper walls' to separate my FA side from my husband side as much as I could.


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## mergirl (Apr 8, 2009)

edx said:


> This would be my FA mistake #2, committed a year or two after number one, described above, and showing that I still didn't get it. Upon first getting online and finding size acceptance sites, I gushed to my wife about how wonderful all this was and told her she should check them out.
> 
> Erm, didn't go over so well. She had less than no interest, she quite clearly had no desire to deliberately associate with other fat people. She could, somewhat grudgingly, accept that this is something important to me, but she doesn't want to know about it, or have it brought into our joint lives at all.
> 
> After that I set up mental 'paper walls' to separate my FA side from my husband side as much as I could.


hmm.. My gf (The fab Goldendelicious) was kinna like that before she really realised how much of a flaming Fa i was. I had been hampering on at her to join dimensions, not really for me (as i have to tone down my sleeze! lol) but because i have seen what a brilliant resorce dimensions really is for big women, especially if they are having seft esteem issues. She doesnt really come on that much but sometimes we will both be on our laptops chattering to each other about what people are saying on dimensions. It is very bonding, i guess because she realises more about my sexuality (which can be nice  ) and i get to hear about what she thinks about issues such as body acceptance, and where she is in regards to her feelings to herself in that regard. I suppose if i had a really negative reaction from her to begin with i might not have pushed it.. but then i think i would feel i was living a kinna double life somehow.


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## HDANGEL15 (Apr 8, 2009)

*I suffer from serious LUST BLINDNESS with BHM, I can get so lost in the fantasy of it all, that the fact that he might be 1/2 of my age and across the pond, fall to the way side, I am so caught up with the beauty and go to great lengths to convince myself that we HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, hahaha....DENIAL, not a river in Egypt......:doh:*


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## Tad (Apr 8, 2009)

Mer;

In our case, my wife never got larger than small BBW, and later got back down to what you might call borderline BBW (size 14-16 north american, size 16-18 UK I suppose that would mean). Even at her heaviest she didn't really identify as "a fat person" and did not want to be seen that way. I think the social aspects of being fat bothered her more than the physical ever did. So in her case this was part of a growing decision that she did not want to be "a fat person." All right about the time that I was discovering how much of an FA I was. 

I guess you could say that we'd each had a lot of assumptions that we'd never articulated, even to ourselves. When these undefined assumptions clashed, it did result in some interesting mental adjustments for me, probably for her too.


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## mergirl (Apr 8, 2009)

edx said:


> Mer;
> 
> In our case, my wife never got larger than small BBW, and later got back down to what you might call borderline BBW (size 14-16 north american, size 16-18 UK I suppose that would mean). Even at her heaviest she didn't really identify as "a fat person" and did not want to be seen that way. I think the social aspects of being fat bothered her more than the physical ever did. So in her case this was part of a growing decision that she did not want to be "a fat person." All right about the time that I was discovering how much of an FA I was.
> 
> I guess you could say that we'd each had a lot of assumptions that we'd never articulated, even to ourselves. When these undefined assumptions clashed, it did result in some interesting mental adjustments for me, probably for her too.


Ahh..i see. I think perhaps if you are on the cusp of what is socially defined as fat it may be harder to accept for some people, than if there is no doubting you are fat. I guess it woulds be difficult if you knew your partner was into something which you struggled not to be. I can understand why she was less excited about Dimensions than you would be. I think to many Fa's, discovering sites like dimensions really is a 'revelation', because they realise what they are has a name and lots of people subscribe to that. If you are fat on the other hand, you know this about yourself from the offset and dont need a website to tell you this fact. Though, I think if i was fat and discovered dims i would be really happy because i would realise that there are people who genuinly prefered my body type and i also think i would find it really helpful to talk to other big women about their experiences.. hmm


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 8, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Ahh..i see. I think perhaps if you are on the cusp of what is socially defined as fat it may be harder to accept for some people, than if there is no doubting you are fat. I guess it woulds be difficult if you knew your partner was into something which you struggled not to be. I can understand why she was less excited about Dimensions than you would be. I think to many Fa's, discovering sites like dimensions really is a 'revelation', because they realise what they are has a name and lots of people subscribe to that. If you are fat on the other hand, you know this about yourself from the offset and dont need a website to tell you this fact. Though, I think if i was fat and discovered dims i would be really happy because i would realise that there are people who genuinly prefered my body type and i also think i would find it really helpful to talk to other big women about their experiences.. hmm



When I first discovered Dims I wasn't all that enthusiastic. A quick glance and I was gone. At that time it seemed the whole world was focused on the fact that I was fat. Everything was about it either negatively or positively. I knew I was fat and was okay with it but I was really trying to separate my identity from being thumbs up or thumbs down in the eyes of the world over it if that makes any sense. I just wanted to self identify so joining a fat community wasn't really what I needed at that time. It wasn't till much later. I was involved in a project that landed my photo on the old weight board and I was being discussed. Somebody linked me to it and I jumped right in to the conversation. It was the people here that hooked me. :wubu:


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## mergirl (Apr 8, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> When I first discovered Dims I wasn't all that enthusiastic. A quick glance and I was gone. At that time it seemed the whole world was focused on the fact that I was fat. Everything was about it either negatively or positively. I knew I was fat and was okay with it but I was really trying to separate my identity from being thumbs up or thumbs down in the eyes of the world over it if that makes any sense. I just wanted to self identify so joining a fat community wasn't really what I needed at that time. It wasn't till much later. I was involved in a project that landed my photo on the old weight board and I was being discussed. Somebody linked me to it and I jumped right in to the conversation. It was the people here that hooked me. :wubu:


I can see what you mean. I guess sometimes even positive remarks about something that you dont want to be a big deal could be anoying. To be honest i think its the people here that have hooked me too. I know there are other sites but i have never really been that interested. I'm glad you decided to stay btw.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Apr 8, 2009)

Ben from England said:


> Sometimes, I wish I could just Shut The Fuck Up.
> 
> I dunno if it's totally FA exclusive, but my biggest mistake, one that I still make time and time again, is saying absolutely everything I am worried about or thinking.
> 
> A perfect FA example is my never ending, cyclical battle with good old FA guilt. I think there is a point when you have to decide whether what youre saying is constructive or just tired neurosis that is a drag to hear about. I want a communicative relationship and all, but I wish I didn't make my girlfriend (and everyone else around me) suffer through every inch of my personal growth, as an FA or otherwise.



To quote exile "Oh bingo hard." Everyone here knows I am very guilty of this.:doh:

I also used to forget out in the real world that a BHM I might be checking out didn't automatically realize that that was an admiring gaze. So I have learned to be more subtle. I fear I may have made more than one fat man self-conscious when my intention was the opposite.:blush:


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## HDANGEL15 (Apr 8, 2009)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> To quote exile "Oh bingo hard." Everyone here knows I am very guilty of this.:doh:
> 
> I also used to forget out in the real world that a BHM I might be checking out didn't automatically realize that that was an admiring gaze. So I have learned to be more subtle. I fear I may have made more than one fat man self-conscious when my intention was the opposite.:blush:



*UMMM ya what she saidx10 INITIALLY. I scared my first BHM in my first real online convos....I was just OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG he's real  and he is talking to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*


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## Ernest Nagel (Apr 8, 2009)

Booty Blindness, general superficiality especially when I was young. Size might draw my attention but what's inside is what holds it. Not understanding that well enough to articulate it clearly leaves room for many mistakes. I hope maybe this board can help with that a bit?


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## Durin (Apr 9, 2009)

Biggest FA mistake?

I would sat the times that I look at my relationship through strictly FA colored lenses. Being able to be flexible is important. 

Before I was married I fell in love with a skinny girls personality. Ackward.

:bow:

What made it even worse was that she had just dieted herself down to a size where she felt guys would be interested in her. Just not good.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 9, 2009)

I have visceral reactions to things that are really inappropriate at times. I saw an old high school friend of mine thanks to the wonders of Facebook. One look at her and I winced. She was so thin you could see her collar bones. The only person who saw me do this was the person I was with but there was no time to remark on it before greetings begun. My ignorant response was possibly the same as what another person's ignorant response would be when seeing me. To me being that thin looks painful and my neck starts to hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if people equated pain with being fat too. Mine was a gut reaction that hit before I could think it through. Everyone was telling her she looked great and I almost couldn't look at her. It bothers me that I can't fix this.

If this is inappropriate for this thread go ahead and slap my hands away. I just couldnt think of anyplace else to put it.


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## mergirl (Apr 9, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I have visceral reactions to things that are really inappropriate at times. I saw an old high school friend of mine thanks to the wonders of Facebook. One look at her and I winced. She was so thin you could see her collar bones. The only person who saw me do this was the person I was with but there was no time to remark on it before greetings begun. My ignorant response was possibly the same as what another person's ignorant response would be when seeing me. To me being that thin looks painful and my neck starts to hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if people equated pain with being fat too. Mine was a gut reaction that hit before I could think it through. Everyone was telling her she looked great and I almost couldn't look at her. It bothers me that I can't fix this.
> 
> If this is inappropriate for this thread go ahead and slap my hands away. I just couldnt think of anyplace else to put it.


I know what you mean..
I get like that when i see really painfully thin people on tv..i cant look and i feel sad. I get this feeling whenever i see anyone that looks like they are in pain, so even though i am an Fa, i can get this if i see a very fat person on tv who is struggling and looks like they hurt. I cant look. 
So, i dont think seeing really skinny people with their bones jutting out and feeling bad and shocked is only an Fa thing..i think its a concerned human thing.


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## Esther (Apr 9, 2009)

Jon Blaze said:


> Something like this. It's hard for me to know whether the person I'm talking to finds the term derogatory, neutral, or of endearment. I don't use it often, because I can never know initially.



This is totally it for me.


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## Hole (Apr 9, 2009)

When he/she is down about his/her weight, don't just reply with "I love you". It just makes him/her feel like you love them anyway DESPITE their appearance and that is not the case.

Something I learnt a while ago.


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## rollhandler (Apr 9, 2009)

Mini said:


> It took me awhile to realize that calling girls fat was not as much of a compliment to them as I intended it to be.



Hit the nail on the head here. My mistake was assuming that if it was ok for her to make a joke, a comment, or use size wording in discussions, that it was ok for me too as well. 

Certain days it was ok, other days were quite uncomfortable. I knew I was being complimentary in my own way, but it wasnt always taken that way even though she knew my intent wasnt to insult her. 

It took quite a while for me to understand that just because I adored and loved her it couldnt quite erase the sting of certain words and phrases heard over years and never in a complimentary or positive manner. 
Rollhandler


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## Broseph (Aug 14, 2019)

FA mistake--staying in the closet until age 28!! So many years when I could have been dating all the cute fatties around.


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## John Smith (Aug 14, 2019)

I have made so many miscaculations while flirting, but I don't consider to have made "F.A. mistakes" : just posed my point or made a move. 

One lady conplains about having "put a few couple of pounds" and she feel offended when I'm replying by what I'm geniunely thinking instead of what she _wanted to hear_? Fine, next.

One lady complains about my wide range of sexual preferability for women of so many different sizes and shapes? Fine, next.

An another one made a lenghty, concise statement about the "dangers" she risked when she used to be so-calledly overweight while I command somethihg for her and she cannit process the fact I wouldn't be bothered by whether she look like she actually are or does look fuller? Okay, next.

I never truly hold a defeatist mindset while on the game. Don't waste your time and mental energy on pointless issues. You are a busy, professional _Classic Man _in Jidenna's words, not their goddamn personal psychotherapeutist.


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## Jimevil2000 (Aug 14, 2019)

I never really considered the term FA to describe myself. I don’t know why, because I’m very forward about only being attracted to large women. Even my dating profiles say those exact words. 

My biggest mistake would be assuming that woman who is willing to share her weight indicates either body confidence or acceptance. With societal pressures constantly hitting at all angles, even the most confident person will still question things.


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## Jimevil2000 (Aug 16, 2019)

John Smith said:


> I have made so many miscaculations while flirting, but I don't consider to have made "F.A. mistakes" : just posed my point or made a move.
> 
> One lady conplains about having "put a few couple of pounds" and she feel offended when I'm replying by what I'm geniunely thinking instead of what she _wanted to hear_? Fine, next.
> 
> ...



Thats the inherent difference between men and women. We say what we are thinking and are answer/solution oriented. They speak to emotion and don’t want an answer, they just want to be heard.


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## John Smith (Aug 16, 2019)

Jimevil2000 said:


> Thats the inherent difference between men and women. We say what we are thinking and are answer/solution oriented. They speak to emotion and don’t want an answer, they just want to be heard.



It is oftentimes due to gender-biased nuances in child education. Girls are raised up during the crucial years of their youth with the old-fashioned expectations that by acting out more emotional and lest resolving unto problem-solving savviness, they can bend any favours at their will.

But we are not any longer living in the fifties.


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## Jimevil2000 (Aug 16, 2019)

John Smith said:


> It is oftentimes due to gender-biased nuances in child education. Girls are raised up during the crucial years of their youth with the old-fashioned expectations that by acting out more emotional and lest resolving unto problem-solving savviness, they can bend any favours at their will.
> 
> But we are not any longer living in the fifties.



I don’t know that everything can be coughed up to gender biases. Men and women are inherently and biologically different. To pretend otherwise would be disingenuous. 

These differences manifest themselves in different ways. Some emotional or rational expression is also due to hormonal and cerebral differences by design. 

I use the example of my brother and I. Although we look alike and had the same exact upbringing (complete with whatever learned biases my parents bestowed upon us) we are as similar as we are different. I’m both thought, outlook and action. Just like men and women on a biological level.


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## John Smith (Aug 16, 2019)

Jimevil2000 said:


> I don’t know that everything can be coughed up to gender biases. Men and women are inherently and biologically different. To pretend otherwise would be disingenuous.
> 
> These differences manifest themselves in different ways. Some emotional or rational expression is also due to hormonal and cerebral differences by design.
> 
> I use the example of my brother and I. Although we look alike and had the same exact upbringing (complete with whatever learned biases my parents bestowed upon us) we are as similar as we are different. I’m both thought, outlook and action. Just like men and women on a biological level.



We have different sexes, different physiological builts, but human brains does pretty much work the same when it pertains about both our emotional and reasoning spectrums. Only individuality, culture, life experience and self-perception does differs us as social animals. I'm not concerned about how humans acts differently when they are mating, are swayed bt their hormones or are making their toilet because that's not the question.

Boys and girls are educated differently: that's a fact and it's normal. Only, the way girls are still educated nowadays depends yet from factors which are no longer relevant for over an half-century. I'm not saying girls might stop to be girls, I'm saying girls might stop to be raised up like Marilyn Monroe.


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## extra_m13 (Aug 16, 2019)

this is a very good threat im sure most of us have committed at least one of the mistakes mentioned above. personally i can think of several. pointing out the gain before her. for sure, can be a big mistake, like, look, you have a bigger belly, that is -for them- not always a reason to celebrate. to make comments about her getting really big like if you are talking to a 75 kg and you are mentioning 150kg they will surely freak out and run, weirdly enough the best thing may be to make no comment at all unless you are asked a direct question and the answer must be very carefully chosen, only positive, never saying fat, and never saying gaining more, doubts arise from many angles, you just give her comfort


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## Shotha (Aug 17, 2019)

The worst mistake that I've ever made is not asking the object of my affection out on a date or to meet up for a cup of coffee or something. It's basically not acting before the guy is no longer around. I was scared of what other people would thing about me dating fat guys and I was scared of asking a date from someone, who might think it strange that someone wanted to date him. The lesson to learn from this is to seize opportunities, when they are there. I found coming out as gay was much easier than coming out as an FA and I've heard quite a few gay men say the same thing.


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## landshark (Aug 18, 2019)

I made my fair share when I was coming out and as thankful as I am to have learned and bettered myself I am regretful of some of the collateral damage I probably left in my wake.

I’d say the biggest mistakes I made involved being too enthusiastic. I wanted to make sure a woman knew I was okay with her weight. While a woman may actually want to know that she may not necessarily want it spelled out as deliberately and clumsily as I did. I probably sounded like a complete idiot at times and I still cringe sometimes looking back.

Like I said, I learned and moved on. It worked out in the end for me so that’s good. And I hope some of those women who received blunt and indelicate answers from me or overly enthusiastic assurances that “I’m really into fat girls!” have also moved on and maybe don’t even remember me at this point.


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## Shotha (Aug 18, 2019)

There's another mistake that I've made several times over. I've started dating a guy and gone to a gay pub or club one evening, only to find some guy call to us something like, "My God, Frank, is that the best you can get?" At first I responded by taking my boyfriend to the other end of the room or even to a different venue. I now see this as a mistake. If a guy is good enough to date, then he's good enough to stand up for. These days I tend to respond something like, "Yes, he's the _very_ best I can get. _I_ think he's the best looking guy in town. But thank you anyway for your concern."


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## loopytheone (Aug 19, 2019)

Shotha said:


> There's another mistake that I've made several times over. I've started dating a guy and gone to a gay pub or club one evening, only to find some guy call to us something like, "My God, Frank, is that the best you can get?" At first I responded by taking my boyfriend to the other end of the room or even to a different venue. I now see this as a mistake. If a guy is good enough to date, then he's good enough to stand up for. These days I tend to respond something like, "Yes, he's the _very_ best I can get. _I_ think he's the best looking guy in town. But thank you anyway for your concern."



Or just kiss your guy whilst making eye contact with the douchebags, that works too. Seriously, who says something like that to someone? People can be such idiots.


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## Ncmomof4 (Aug 19, 2019)

Jimevil2000 said:


> Thats the inherent difference between men and women. We say what we are thinking and are answer/solution oriented. They speak to emotion and don’t want an answer, they just want to be heard.



I agree there is definitely inherent differences. Most of us do come at things with emotion and feelings and being heard is very important and well as understood. We don't always want the solution but just to know that he hears what we are needing or just letting us vent without trying to fix. But I think those differences is also what draws men and women together, even if we drive ya'll crazy sometimes.


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## John Smith (Aug 19, 2019)

Ncmomof4 said:


> I agree there is definitely inherent differences. Most of us do come at things with emotion and feelings and being heard is very important and well as understood. We don't always want the solution but just to know that he hears what we are needing or just letting us vent without trying to fix. But I think those differences is also what draws men and women together, even if we drive ya'll crazy sometimes.



The older generations, perhaps... if we does exclude higher divorce rates.


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## landshark (Aug 19, 2019)

Ncmomof4 said:


> I agree there is definitely inherent differences. Most of us do come at things with emotion and feelings and being heard is very important and well as understood. We don't always want the solution but just to know that he hears what we are needing or just letting us vent without trying to fix. But I think those differences is also what draws men and women together, even if we drive ya'll crazy sometimes.



I agree and if you really think about it it’s downright comical how different we are and yet we are designed not just to coexist but to thrive together. God must be up there having a good laugh over that one!


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## John Smith (Aug 20, 2019)

happily_married said:


> I agree and if you really think about it it’s downright comical how different we are and yet we are designed not just to coexist but to thrive together.



Yet, the higher divorce rates...



happily_married said:


> God must be up there having a good laugh over that one!



I really doubt He want to be muddled into this.


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## Ncmomof4 (Aug 20, 2019)

John Smith said:


> The older generations, perhaps... if we does exclude higher divorce rates.


 
Do you think perhaps in older generations they stayed married because their was a stigma attached to divorce? But our older generations were also taught to stick it out in many parts of their lives. They stayed at jobs worked hard, if something broke you fixed it. And as a collective whole we have now become a society of instant gratification. If we dont like a job we leave, if something breaks, we toss it and buy a new one. Your neighbor bought a new car, now your 2 year old car doesnt feel good anymore. So we trade it in. Our marriages have become the same. He or she arent meeting your needs, let's not work on it but let's move onto something more pleasurable and less work.

Though above makes us sound like a horrible society, there are pluses to being able to leave a job where you are not valued, or a marriage that is toxic without the stigma of divorce that previous generations faced. Because there are people that should not stay married. Marriages where if they did get divorced both parties would be happier and most likely become better versions of themselves. 

But I still think our differences are what attract us to the opposite sex. Even when they make us absolutely insane. It's just finding our match that fits.


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## Aqw (Aug 20, 2019)

Ncmomof4 said:


> But I still think our differences are what attract us to the opposite sex. Even when they make us absolutely insane. It's just finding our match that fits.


Thank you for your post and specially above


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## John Smith (Aug 20, 2019)

Ncmomof4 said:


> Do you think perhaps in older generations they stayed married because their was a stigma attached to divorce? But our older generations were also taught to stick it out in many parts of their lives. They stayed at jobs worked hard, if something broke you fixed it. And as a collective whole we have now become a society of instant gratification. If we dont like a job we leave, if something breaks, we toss it and buy a new one. Your neighbor bought a new car, now your 2 year old car doesnt feel good anymore. So we trade it in. Our marriages have become the same. He or she arent meeting your needs, let's not work on it but let's move onto something more pleasurable and less work.
> 
> Though above makes us sound like a horrible society, there are pluses to being able to leave a job where you are not valued, or a marriage that is toxic without the stigma of divorce that previous generations faced. Because there are people that should not stay married. Marriages where if they did get divorced both parties would be happier and most likely become better versions of themselves.
> 
> But I still think our differences are what attract us to the opposite sex. Even when they make us absolutely insane. It's just finding our match that fits.



People used to fix their belongings because fixing it used to be less expansive than purchase a new onein a then-alrrady overly consumerist way of life. There has still a lot of people who stay stick through their hard work, the opposite might lead to nationwide bankruptcy and until now I haven't heard of economical issues caused because most young people dislikes hard labor. Younger generations are indeed prompt to a sweep-right-sweep-left-on-the-dating-app-and-mine-mine-mine mindset, but at least it doesn't change the fact that higher divorce rates are observed amongst older generations.

Maybe it is time to query about_ why_ and _how _such rates does exists...


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## Tad (Aug 20, 2019)

I'm still pretty convinced that the the variance within each gender is bigger than the average gap between genders, on almost anything yiu choose to measure. For sure there are differences on average, but I think we often make too much of them, assigning various traits too firmly to one gender or another.

And for that matter, ditto on generations.


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## TwoSwords (Sep 2, 2019)

My early mistakes were to do with being too sheepish to sit close to girls I liked in high school. I wasn't sure what was considered appropriate back then, and I've learned a bit since then. I guess that's not overtly FA-related, except that the situation is a bit different when the girl you want to sit next to bridges the gap between her chair and the adjacent chair.


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## Shotha (Sep 3, 2019)

TwoSwords said:


> My early mistakes were to do with being too sheepish to sit close to girls I liked in high school.



I used to have problems like that in my youth with the guys that I liked. I can assure young FA's that life is much sweeter once your out of the closet about being FA. You don't have to worry about being found out any more. That means that you're free to follow your heart's desires. And don't fret about friends, who drop you, because you're FA. They were never your friends anyway.


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