# Dealing with self esteem issues.



## isamarie69 (Oct 20, 2010)

I have battled self esteem issues off and on all my life. Be it thru grade school teasing, kids always asking me if I was a teacher or a student. Or boys and now men taking advantage of my insecurities (funny how they learn that even in their teens) My sister always telling me shes the pretty one and shes the smart one. My ex husband and his attraction for super skinny blonds with giant fake breasts, lol And when I would try to show him fat porn he would say eewoo thats gross. And i'm like??? then why are you with me? I have had a string of men that want to secretly bed me but God forbid date me. I have always been the heaviest amongst my friends even my bbw friends, LOL But I still love them just the same  Ok I hate long winded posts so lets just say I have issues lol.

I noticed here when I had a outburst of low self esteem the woman here came right to my rescue, with kindness and warmth and helpful solutions. I know I am not the only woman that has battled these issues and keeping them locked in is not going to help change the way we view ourselves. I was hoping we could start a thread where woman can come and get or give helpful tips on building self esteem, Helping each other find our inner and our OUTER beauty. 

One thing that comes to mind is to take your least favorite feature, knowing all you hate about it, look in a mirror study it, think about it, and find what it is you do like about it, maybe how it actually makes you unique. Mine would be my nose, I feel its huge and now a lil crooked, and the profile view is the worst. I have yet to try this exercise, but have thought about why I should love my nose, so far the only thing I have come up with is its my fathers nose, He passed away in 1999 so its comforting to see a little piece of him in the mirror each morning. My father was a very handsome man growing up and this nose looked good on him lol why not me. 

So what are some tools you use to find confidence and self esteem?


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## Lovelyone (Oct 21, 2010)

I hate my feet and legs. I have always hated them. The bigger I became--the more they looked like fred flintsone feet. Big, cumbersome fat, round feet. I can't stand my thighs and its a rare occasion that anyone but me sees them. I have in the recent past told myself that this is the me that God intends me to be. I tell myself that the one true person who it should all matter to, still loves me no matter what I look like or how I feel about it. That is what gets me through the "I hate my body" moments.


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 21, 2010)

I read lots of fat positive blogs, including Lesley Kinzel's Fatshionista!, Marianne Kirby's The Rotund, and Kate Harding's Shapely Prose (although it's now no longer active, so Kate can concentrate on her other writing projects, but there's a lot of great stuff in the archives). I also read lots of fat positive literature, including Wendy Shanker's The Fat Girl's Guide to Life, Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby's Lessons From the Fat-o-Sphere, and Wendy McClure's I'm Not the New Me (which is not so much a fat-positive book as it is a story of self acceptance).

I'll also share my 'boob story,' which may help you feel less alone in the whole love/hate relationship we sometimes have with our boobs and our bodies. I started developing boobs when I was in 5th grade. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was out of training bras. I had bigger boobs than most of the girls I went to elementary school and then junior high with. And I had no idea how to feel about that. I started getting attention from boys, often inappropriate. It didn't really happen with the boys at school because I went to a small, religious private school, so the boys there were generally well behaved and had really strict parents. But the boys I met at summer camp during puberty had no qualms about snapping my bra straps, causing me to scream and chase after them. It wasn't positive attention, but it was the only attention I knew, and my boobs seemed to be responsible for it.

There was a brief time in high school where I wore lots of low-cut or tight tops, trying to call attention to my boobs. Then I got into the goth scene, and I stopped trying to show my boobs off in that way. Later on in college, I started dressing to show off my boobs again and again got lots of attention from guys who just wanted to have sex with me and move on. I couldn't seem to find a happy-medium with my boobs; it was either show them off and get the kind of attention that, in the long run, I didn't want...or cover my boobs and body in baggy sweatshirts and shapeless Ts and not attract any attention at all. I didn't really know how to dress my body shape at the time, and there weren't a lot of plus size clothing options in my small hometown, so that limitation didn't help me dress any better either. 

I spent a lot of time in college hating my boobs and body because I didn't know how to dress myself, and there weren't many plus size clothing options for me to choose from. When I moved to LA in '97, I finally found more plus size stores to choose from and learned how to dress myself better. I started discovering and defining my personal style. That went miles towards helping me build self-confidence, come to terms with my boobs and learn how to get positive attention with what I was wearing, rather than negative. Rather than having my boobs front and center, the focus was more on me as a whole, my personality and intelligence. My boobs weren't _hidden_ by any means; it's pretty damn hard to hide them.  But they weren't the focus of the outfit, the way I used to dress in high school and college.

I still meet plenty of guys online who'd have no issue with having sex with me...but actually _date_ me? Fuhgedaboutit. I don't waste much time on them. It sucks, I agree, but I can't waste time lamenting over their lack of good judgment. After working at finding someone online for nearly 10 years and not having much success with it, I'm spending a lot less time on dating sites these days. You may be at a different place in your life and want to meet someone online, and are therefore meeting more guys just interested in casual sex. I sincerely hope you find someone online, but just keep in mind that it's a huge crap shoot and you meet a lot of guys on dating sites who don't want much more than an easy lay. In other words, not a big confidence builder.


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## isamarie69 (Oct 21, 2010)

Lovelyone said:


> I hate my feet and legs. I have always hated them. The bigger I became--the more they looked like fred flintsone feet. Big, cumbersome fat, round feet. I can't stand my thighs and its a rare occasion that anyone but me sees them. I have in the recent past told myself that this is the me that God intends me to be. I tell myself that the one true person who it should all matter to, still loves me no matter what I look like or how I feel about it. That is what gets me through the "I hate my body" moments.



Oh I feel you on that one, I have pretty good legs, but my inner thighs are a nightmare. LOL I refer to them as my extra vagina. 

I bet you have lovely legs, and i'm glad you have someone who loves you for all of you. We tend to be way to critical of ourselves. I have learned this lately, I am my worst critic and often see things that are not even there lol.


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## pinkylou (Oct 23, 2010)

isamarie69 said:


> My ex husband and his attraction for super skinny blonds with giant fake breasts, lol And when I would try to show him fat porn he would say eewoo thats gross. And i'm like??? then why are you with me



My ex husband was exactly the same even though he met and married me at a size 26...I'll never figure guys out, and I definately need a lotta help with self esteem!


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 23, 2010)

As strange as it may seem, sometimes guys don't see us as 'fat.' They don't use that word to define us in their minds. (Unless, of course, the guy defines himself as an FA and will only date women who he thinks of as fat.) Ask a guy what size he thinks you wear or how much you weigh and usually, he'll get the number wrong. Usually, the number will be smaller than it actually is. Because most guys don't know. All they know is what attracts them visually and, on a more subconscious level, what stimulates them mentally and emotionally. And apparently there was something there to attract them the first time they met you. Unless they're specifically looking for a woman who they define as fat, they most likely won't use that word to define you in their minds. Which is why you can show them fat porn and they'll say it's 'disgusting.' They don't see you in the same way.

My college boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years and thought I was going to marry, was attracted to more pear-shaped women. He likes big, round butts, big legs and arms, and smaller torsos...much like his mom is shaped. That's the opposite of my body shape. I have a flat ass, thinner arms and legs and a big torso with a big tum and boobs. But when we met, I know there were several things that attracted him to me. He knew I was smart, since he'd been in a couple of classes with me. When he found out I was on the radio, he was really into that and used every excuse in the book to come down and hang out in the station when I was doing my show. He finished college a year ahead of me and went traveling that summer while I stayed home. He sent me postcards from the road, saying he was thinking about me; and this was before we'd started dating, but had just been hanging out as friends. ...Point being, there were other things that attracted him to me besides my body shape. I'm sure he was thinking about the physical aspect, too, because I can't imagine a guy who doesn't. But that's not all that was there.

...Eventually, once we'd been in the relationship for a few years and we started to realize that we had different goals (I was interested in working towards marriage; he realized he didn't want to get that serious), that's when I started to notice things change. He started looking around. We'd go to a party together, and he'd openly ogle the younger girls with the body shape he preferred. At one party, he even spent half the evening talking to a young college girl with the body shape he preferred, and got her number at the end of it. That's when I realized our relationship was going south, because the things that had initially attracted him to me weren't enough to keep him interested. 

But I can't say that the guy was _never_ attracted to me, because I knew he was. I saw and felt it (and no, I'm not making a reference to the physical, although I know that joke could be made here). Sometimes things change, and it really, really sucks. But that doesn't mean the person was never attracted to you and never saw something in you worth pursuing. They obviously did or they wouldn't have dated you in the first place.


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## Fat.n.sassy (Oct 23, 2010)

isamarie69 said:


> I have battled self esteem issues off and on all my life. Be it thru grade school teasing, kids always asking me if I was a teacher or a student.....So what are some tools you use to find confidence and self esteem?



Thanks for the thread! I'm sure most of 'us' would have something to say about self esteem and the way ours affects us.  Being here on DIMS has been a real life saver for me for sure.

I noticed that when I used to look at myself in the mirror, I'd give myself those same dissatisfied looks others used to give me growing up and feel those feelings all over again.  So...one of the things that helps me is to smile at myself when I look in the mirror. It may sound like a silly thing to do but it works and it took A LOT of practice! 

Also, not just smiling at myself, but looking at myself with love, as if I'm happy to see that 'friend' in the mirror. Again, for me it took a lot of practice but it is well worth it. (((Hugs!)))


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## superodalisque (Oct 23, 2010)

IMO the surest thing i've found for self esteem is concentrating on the things that would make you proud of yourself no matter what. at least thats what has made me happiest. if i find that i'm around people who try and make me feel i have to look at myself through their eyes or their approval i drop them. the most important thing is making yourself happy and feeling happy and at ease with whoever you're around and to be willing to give yourself the credit to know who adds to the vision of your life that you have for yourself and who doesn't. if they make you feel you have to jump through hoops and be something other than true to you its bound to make you feel less.


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 26, 2010)

Isa, you should seriously check out the Fatshionista community on Livejournal. A woman just posted pics there of her recent wedding and she looks a lot like you, red hair and everything. I bet there are other great guys out there who are looking for their dream girl who looks like you.


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## isamarie69 (Oct 27, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> Isa, you should seriously check out the Fatshionista community on Livejournal. A woman just posted pics there of her recent wedding and she looks a lot like you, red hair and everything. I bet there are other great guys out there who are looking for their dream girl who looks like you.



LOL Thanks, I'll have a look. Truth being I really have not actively looked, Just what falls in my lap.


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 28, 2010)

isamarie69 said:


> LOL Thanks, I'll have a look. Truth being I really have not actively looked, Just what falls in my lap.



The Fatshionista community on Livejournal is not a dating site. It's a site where fat people post outfit pics, including wedding pics, and sometimes discuss fat acceptance issues on everything from pop culture to politics, and often post info on plus size clothing lines. I like the community a lot and spending time there, posting my own outfit pics, looking at pics of other fat folks in great outfits, and participating in fat acceptance discussions has helped my confidence. It also helps to remind me that I'm not alone in my search for personal style, that others may share my issues with certain plus size retail stores, and I'm not fighting the good fight for size acceptance on my own.


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## 1love_emily (Dec 19, 2010)

*Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel just so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under, screams and no one seems to hear a thing?
Do you know there's still a chance for you? There's a spark in you, you just gotta ignite
Ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night, like the fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come one, show em what you're worth
Make em go ah-ah-ah
As you shoot across the sky.
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let you're colors burst!
Make em go ah-ah-ah
You're gonna leave em going ah-ah-ah
You don't have to feel like a waste of space. You're original, cannot be replaced. 
If you only knew what the future holds.
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you to a perfect road. 
Like a lightning bolt, you're heart will glow. And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night, like the fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework,
Come on, show em what you're worth. 
Make em go ah-ah-ah
As you shoot across the sky sky sky
Baby you're a firework
Come on let you're colors burst
Make em go ah-ah-ah
You're gonna leave em going ah-ah-ah
Boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon. 
It's always been, and suddenly you-you-you
And now it's time to let it through-through-through.
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show em what you're worth
Make em go ah-ah-ah
As you shoot across the sky-sky-sky
Baby you're a firework
Come on let you're colors burst
Make em go ah-ah-ah
You're gonna leave em going ah-ah-ah
Boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon-moon-moon*

I can't take credit for this, it's Katy Perry's Firework. But I love this song. It's my self confidence anthem. I always have a song that's inspirational to me, and that keeps me afloat even when I feel like I might drown.


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## Meddlecase (Dec 19, 2010)

I dunno. I had self esteem problems, but one I just started being confident in myself. I guess I just stopped giving a fuck about other people's negativity. Or maybe I just relished in it and used it as a shield. Self esteem is a strange thing.


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## penguin (Jan 3, 2011)

My self esteem has gone up and down over the years. My ex was a chubby chaser, and I was bigger than the girls he liked to look at in porn, which messed with my head a bit. He also used the excuse that I was "too fat" when he broke up with me, though we'd been having problems for a while. "Too fat" for what? To love? To be desirable? I think he was just trying to find a way to hurt me. Anyway, I'm well shot of him.

After I finally got over him, I made myself love myself, and it's something I need to start doing again. I'd stand in front of the mirror naked and say what I liked about each body part, every day until I really liked it. After I became a single mother (to said ex, *sigh*), my self esteem took a nose dive again, mostly because I let my social life slip away (broke, single, had a baby, all that fun stuff), and I did gain more weight. I also lost my sense of self, of who I was, and who I wanted to be. 

I know I have to dig myself out of this hole, and I'm starting to. It's hard for me to look at myself and feel sexy and desirable again, though I'm starting to. It really helps to be seeing someone who thinks I'm sexy and hot as I am, as it's a very good reminder that there will be people out there who do think I'm beautiful. I just have to be one of them. It is daunting to face those demons again and try to overcome them, but I need to.

Being involved with him has also encouraged me to start taking photos of myself again. I have a bunch of sexy/erotic photos from my younger years, but I've avoided the camera a lot in the last few, even for regular family type pictures. I just felt too unattractive. I had a friend take photos of me when I was 21, and I'm thinking of seeing if she'd like to do it again for me. It's hard to take good ones of yourself when you're using the timer function and you're not sure of the angle!

Anyway...for years I've said that self confidence is something that's okay to fake it til you make it, because soon enough you'll actually feel it. I'm getting back on track and I'm hoping to be back to feeling as good about myself as I used to.


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## spiritangel (Jan 3, 2011)

Self Esteem can be a tricky issue

It really is something we need to find within ourselves rather than getting external validation for.

I think it starts in small ways for me it was cutting down and replacing the negative self talk such a simple thing in some ways but also one of the hardest.

It really does require actively working on your own issues and being able to face your own demons stare them down and in words from labrynth tell them, deal with them and let them go so you can say "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME" believing you are worthwhile, and learning to love yourself are a couple of other steps that truly do help.

Its not to say your never going to feel insecure or have a bad day again but the more you focus on the positives and changing how you feel about yourself the easier it becomes to not buy into other peoples good or bad opinion of you. This also includes society's opinion as a whole as well.

Also I think recognising your talents and abilities as well as all the amazing things about who you are as a person is extremely important.

Keeping a gratitude journal is another great way to boost self esteem as it encourages and teaches you to focus on the good things in your life rather than the negatives and what is missing.

I am also a big believer in spoiling yourself be it a pamper day, small shopping spree or getting yourself something you have wanted for a while it all helps to improve your mood and the happier you are (as in true from within happiness) the better you will feel about yourself.

However I can only talk from personal experience these are the things that have helped me a lot in the last year.

You can also try positive affirmations as they can also help with self esteem.


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## penguin (Jan 3, 2011)

spiritangel said:


> I am also a big believer in spoiling yourself be it a pamper day, small shopping spree or getting yourself something you have wanted for a while it all helps to improve your mood and the happier you are (as in true from within happiness) the better you will feel about yourself.



I need to do more of this. Remembering that I DESERVE nice things and that it's not a waste to spend them on me. Now that my ex is finally paying the child support he should, I'll be able to have some money for me. Just before Christmas was the first time in a really long time that I'd been able to afford to buy myself new clothes. I was feeling so frumpy and unattractive. New clothes, even though they're not fancy or expensive, make me feel good. New underwear - and sexy underwear at that! - is also helping. Next up, shoes! My giant feet are expensive to shop for, but I'll feel so much better when I can afford to wear pretty girly shoes again. They're little things, but I know they'll help me get back to loving me again.


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## jewels_mystery (Jan 3, 2011)

I never understand fa's who only watch skinny porn. One ex watched skinny porn daily and at one point that really effected by self esteem. I was introduced to plus size porn by my last ex. I had no clue that plus size porn even existed. (doh). It may sound weird but it was liberating seeing other women my size.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jan 4, 2011)

jewels_mystery said:


> I never understand fa's who only watch skinny porn. One ex watched skinny porn daily and at one point that really effected by self esteem. I was introduced to plus size porn by my last ex. I had no clue that plus size porn even existed. (doh). It may sound weird but it was liberating seeing other women my size.



I prefer skinny porn to fat porn because the quality (what quality there is in porn) is usually better. Could have nothing to do with his preference in women and everything to do with not wanting to watch crappy porn.


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## 1love_emily (Jan 10, 2011)

I've recently decided that I'm going to wish everyone who doesn't accept me and my body to hell. Because I know I am beautiful and smart and amazing. I don't know what took over me. Something just clicked that made me decide that this is my year. I'm going to be brave and ask that boy out. I'm going to be strong and bounce back. I'm going to be incredible and I will help my team out at regionals, state and even nationals. I'm going to be myself, and find people who love me for me. 

I'm not going to try to loose weight. I am who I am, at 160 lbs, at 295 lbs, or a 320 lbs. I'm Emily, and weight doesn't change that. 

I hope that other people are able to overcome a lack of self esteem and see how beautiful they are. I know more people on here who have amazing bodies and amazing personalities and stories and things to say. I want everyone to just go out and prove to the world that they are strong and important and fantastic. 

I leave with this quote... "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure." Marianne Williamson


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## jewels_mystery (Jan 10, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> I've recently decided that I'm going to wish everyone who doesn't accept me and my body to hell. Because I know I am beautiful and smart and amazing. I don't know what took over me. Something just clicked that made me decide that this is my year. I'm going to be brave and ask that boy out. I'm going to be strong and bounce back. I'm going to be incredible and I will help my team out at regionals, state and even nationals. I'm going to be myself, and find people who love me for me.
> 
> I'm not going to try to loose weight. I am who I am, at 160 lbs, at 295 lbs, or a 320 lbs. I'm Emily, and weight doesn't change that.
> 
> ...



Bravo and congrats. :bow:


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