# Thing



## Lamia (Apr 24, 2010)

The majority of my life I felt like a thing and not a person. I had no sexuality for a long time. I could probably trace this to a number of incidents, but mostly it's from being fat. As a fat girl when I hit puberty I spent a lot of time standing to the side watching others live. It becomes part of who you are. You're the person who people come over and talk to until their friends show up. You ride the rides by yourself. You're alone. No one ever winks at you. No one asks you out on a date. No one flirts with you. 

I always blamed it on my fat, but I think it's the vibes I gave off. When I felt like a thing I was treated like a thing. Mostly I was afraid. I was afraid someone would wink at me or ask me out. I don't know why this made me afraid. 

It wasn't until the internet that I started exploring my sexuality and dating. If it wasn't for the internet I would be 40 years old still living with my mother and never have kissed anyone. It scares me that my entire future was in the hands of someone inventing the internet. 

I found someone and we've been together 11 years. I still struggle with the fact that he finds me attractive and I worry that I am not sexy enough. I feel beautiful sometimes and when I do I get attention because attitude really is a huge part of how attractive we are. 

I hope this insight helps someone out there. It's hard to change our attitudes when they're become who we are, but they don't have to stay that way. 

I still have days when I feel like a thing and I weep for everyone who feels this way. We're humans. We're beautiful. None of us are things.


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## thechampofchamps (Apr 24, 2010)

I'm sure your giving the Internet to much credit lol, you may of met because of the Internet but your 11 years together is all you, and always be yourself because if you can't be yourself.... Really who can you be. Great post btw


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## Lamia (Apr 24, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> I'm sure your giving the Internet to much credit lol, you may of met because of the Internet but your 11 years together is all you, and always be yourself because if you can't be yourself.... Really who can you be. Great post btw



I am from a small town of 350 people. No one ever asked me out..EVER...Not once in my 27 years of living there, of course the first 14 don't count.  I went away to college, but no one asked me out there either. It was a small college about 400 kids living on campus. I dont like bars so the only place I went was to the library. I met people online and that's how I started dating. Everyone I've ever dated I met online.

The internet is awesome! ALL HAIL THE NET!!


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## Tooz (Apr 24, 2010)

No one has ever asked me out and I've lived in towns much larger than that in various places around the Northeast. I really struggle with this, too. I've just recently begun embracing sexuality-- maybe in the last three years. I think I'm almost caught up, though.

In my head, logically, I know I am sexy to some, and I'd say I get overall positive response from guys, but something bars them from asking me out. Some people think I have kids for whatever reason (THE HORROR), or I think I just do not exude ANY sexuality. I am kind of stoic/stern on the surface, which is hard because I guess I come across like this even when I try to be flirty. My goal here at some point is to procure a date sans-internet.


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## Lamia (Apr 24, 2010)

Tooz said:


> No one has ever asked me out and I've lived in towns much larger than that in various places around the Northeast. I really struggle with this, too. I've just recently begun embracing sexuality-- maybe in the last three years. I think I'm almost caught up, though.
> 
> In my head, logically, I know I am sexy to some, and I'd say I get overall positive response from guys, but something bars them from asking me out. Some people think I have kids for whatever reason (THE HORROR), or I think I just do not exude ANY sexuality. I am kind of stoic/stern on the surface, which is hard because I guess I come across like this even when I try to be flirty. My goal here at some point is to procure a date sans-internet.



Yeah sadly reading a lot of threads tonight led me to believe I am not the only one dealing with this. Keep striving to embrace yourself whether anyone asks you out or not. It helps to get pamper yourself. I find that after I get hair done or pedicure my self love goes up by 75%!!


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## indy500tchr (Apr 24, 2010)

You know come to think of it I've never been asked out on a real day by somebody I met IRL either. It's all been by guys I've met on-line. I live in the biggest city in Indiana!

I agree with you. I always felt like that too. It wasn't until I was 27 when I had my first bf and he was a guy I met on the net.


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## kayrae (Apr 24, 2010)

I used to think that being fat was the problem. When I stopped blaming my fat, I realized that significant other things were actually the problem. What you said about attitude... it really works! Not too long ago I accepted the fact that I was probably always going to be sad about the stuff that happened to me when I was younger. I stopped focusing on the past and started working on my personal development instead. Life has gotten drastically better.

What I've found to be most helpful? Surrounding myself with awesome friends.


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## Fat Brian (Apr 24, 2010)

I think this happens to a lot of fat kids, I know it did to me. When you are young a fat you build a wall around yourself to keep out the little monsters and the prying adults. You withdraw and almost live vicariously through others or by just sitting on the sidelines watching people enjoy their lives.

When you reach puberty though you have built your wall so high that the new you can't seem to get over it. I accepted my FAness pretty early but didn't understand it could work both ways. I was so convinced that I was not attractive that I would try to win girls over by being their friends and being the funny guy. I inevitably wound up in the friend zone and ruined any chance I might have had had a made my intentions known in the first place. I missed out on a girl I cared very much about this way. After we lost touch some bad things happened to her and I feel pretty guilty about it, my inaction allowed her to meet a real loser of a guy and things didn't go well.

Anyway, I think this is why fat people tend to be more intelligent and introspective than our thin counterparts. We have all this other crap to deal with and to figure out, nothing comes easy.


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## The Orange Mage (Apr 24, 2010)

I think some parts of this have been discussed before (and what hasn't here) but I think it's sometimes a case of everyone building their own little walls to protect themselves. No one's willing to ride out of their gates to parley, because the chances of being shot up like a pincushion seem too great. Vulnerability is a hell of a deterrent to action.

(Why yes, I do read a lot of medieval/fantasy novels, how could you tell?)


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## supersizebbw (Apr 24, 2010)

@lamia: thanks for starting this thread...it's so nice to read everyones post and know that i'm not alone in feeling this way.

most days i feel like a thing, which is unfortunate because any chance i get i hide from the world and stay in the house and dress like crap and feel like crap.

however on very few and far between days i make an effort to look nice and get all dolled up and go out...on those days i NEVER ever get a second glance which makes me recoil from society and i go back to feeling like crap once again.

yesterday some friends were going out and i made an effort to do my hair, makeup and dressed up. and for the first time in about 10 years a guy walked up to me and asked if he could buy me a drink...i was ecstatic except for the fact that it was when we were all literally walking out the door 

and yesterday for the first time it hit me that maybe dressing like crap and feeling like crap means that the world will treat me like crap. so i'm really really trying to work on my attitude and trying to find the girly girl inside of me and start dressing up, putting makeup, doing hair etc whenever i leave the house because it makes me feel more desirable and exude more confidence....and hopefully meet someone  IRL or on the net...so far the guys on the net haven't worked out either but here's hoping.

sorry for rambling on...the thread just really hit home for me.


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## thatgirl08 (Apr 24, 2010)

I feel the same way.. sometimes I get alllllll dolled up and I think I look good but no guy gives me a second look. The first guy that ever asked me for my number, in person, was too old for me.. maybe late 20's (I was a senior in high school) and not very attractive but I gave him my number anyway because I was like wow, someone just asked me out..?! I've been asked out by a few other guys, went on a date with one, but nothing has ever come from it. Went to prom with a guy, but we were just friends (although I was crushing on him and extremely happy he asked me.. I'm pretty sure he's actually gay though:/) All the meaningful relationships I've had have been with people I met online. It's disappointing because I feel like without the internet I'd never have anyone.. it makes me feel like in some weird way my relationships are 'less than' ones that have come about "naturally".. like sometimes the internet thing just feels so *forced* to me. Do you guys know what I mean? I'd like to have a relationship with someone that I met IRL eventually. I'm not totally convinced it's my attitude because I try to be friendly, outgoing, etc. and I've made good *friends* with lots of guys but somehow I feel like I'm always ignored or immediately friend-zoned.


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 25, 2010)

Thanks for starting this thread, Lamia. It's perfect timing for me, as I was just thinking a lot about this today, and feeling really, really bummed about it. It's good to read other people's stories, thoughts, and experiences on this too.

In my own efforts to explore my own romantic side, and feel like I can potentially be romantic relationship material, I have been on a lot of dates this year (maybe 10?) - all from the internet (with the exception of one guy I'd known from years ago, but even that was through the internet initially). It's mostly just been a bunch of first dates, too, with only a couple exceptions, because it really wasn't a fit or click with any of them - which is depressing on a whole different level. 

Anyway, now there's a guy I've been getting to know in the course of my real life, and I have developed a little crush on him (it's just little at this point). I don't know him super well, but it has become obvious that we enjoy thinking about and studying the same types of things, engaging in the same kinds of conversations, and he is just a really kind guy who I feel like I might have a lot in common with (and that is a rarity). He's even come up to me a couple of times to say that he really appreciated a comment I made, or to recommend another book on a topic our group had been discussing. But now I am confronted with the reality that because of my fatness, there is a really high probability that he won't want return the crush I have on him. That makes me really sad; and I feel way more vulnerable.

The nice thing about online dating is that I can just hang back and wait for the guys to initiate - and when they do, I am assured from the get-go that they find me physically attractive and dig my fat body. That way I never get into the situation where I really like someone, but am not really sure whether I'm pretty enough/thin enough/whatever physically enough for them (which is my current situation). That kind of rejection is harder, for some reason, than being rejected for some aspect of my personality.


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## Lamia (Apr 25, 2010)

Thank you all for your responses it's good to dialogue with people who understand. I think part of my problem is genetic as well. My mom is very closed off and my sister and now I see it in my niece. In some weird way I took on this persona of a non-sexual being so as not to pose a threat to those around me, competition for women or stalker for the men. 
We're wired in crazy ways. I remember as a pre-teen on the TV all the teenagers had pictures of boys on the walls. So I went and bought a teen magazine and put up pictures in an effort to be normal. I told someone this one time and they said it sounds like you're gay. I said well putting up pictures of girls wouldn't have done anything for me either. Some people fail to understand the concept of zero sex drive.


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## Lamia (Apr 25, 2010)

supersizebbw said:


> @lamia: thanks for starting this thread...it's so nice to read everyones post and know that i'm not alone in feeling this way.
> 
> most days i feel like a thing, which is unfortunate because any chance i get i hide from the world and stay in the house and dress like crap and feel like crap.
> 
> ...



Ramble on! It all hits home for me. If this helps dress and up and be pretty for you! to make you feel beautiful if the world notices then cool if they don't then it's their loss.


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## Lamia (Apr 25, 2010)

oh one other thing and this makes me giggle to myself. Lauren Hill had that song out years ok. "That thing..that thing...that thiiiiing" I used to sing "Fat Thing" to myself and giggle. :blush::doh:


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## g-squared (Apr 25, 2010)

I just figured I'd give my 2 cents on the dichotomy between online and finding dates in real life that some people have touched on here.

Personally I've probably had 2 meaningful relationships in my life, one with a girl i met online and another one I met in real life. The one from online only lasted a few weeks but I still consider this person a good friend and enjoy the thing we spend talking. 

Now the one with a girl I met irl lasted 8 months. It was good for maybe 3 of them. In some of the conversations weve had since I broke it off (which I should have done much much sooner) I've come to realize that not only is she incompatible with shes someone who I would consider to just be a horrible example of humanity; and the worst part is that I'm forced to act friendly with her due to the fact that we work together.

Currently I'm talking to girl I met online who lives kinda far away but she seems to be exactly what I'm looking for, and I'm trying to make arrangements to go up and spend some time with her.

So in my experience it just seems like when I meet someone online its easier to open up to them initially and being somewhat shy at first I'd say that I prefer it. However I can understand the appeal of wanting to be asked out in person.


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## Lamia (Apr 25, 2010)

g-squared said:


> I just figured I'd give my 2 cents on the dichotomy between online and finding dates in real life that some people have touched on here.
> 
> Personally I've probably had 2 meaningful relationships in my life, one with a girl i met online and another one I met in real life. The one from online only lasted a few weeks but I still consider this person a good friend and enjoy the thing we spend talking.
> 
> ...



I think you hit on it perfectly. Online does allow more disclosure because it's easier to talk about our expectations when we're only faced with a monitor versus a live human who might look hurt or confused or angry. etc.


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## calauria (Apr 25, 2010)

i don't get asked out a lot in rl, but some......it is usually someone i'm not attracted to...most of the time i don't look around and see what is going on around me, anyways, someone could be staring at me and wishing i would look at them, for all i know...most of the time when i do focus and look around me, guys give eye contact and say hello..basically, i know my problem, because of my distrust, i barely let people near me..


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## supersizebbw (Apr 25, 2010)

Lamia said:


> In some weird way I took on this persona of a non-sexual being...Some people fail to understand the concept of zero sex drive.



I can identify with this 100%....growing up especially around teenage years when girls were getting their first kiss and making out with boys...i never had any advances so figured there was something wrong with me and just took solace in staying in my room with my comfort music and food to keep me company. 

Fast forward to the present and its not much different...i think what happens is when you go for long periods of time without attention from the opposite sex without being made to feel attractive or desirable it in turn makes us feel like we are without sexuality...which is sad.

and it's a damn shame too because during the few and far between moments when i've had the chance i've discovered that i'm a highly sexual creature :blush:


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## Fat Brian (Apr 25, 2010)

Lamia said:


> Some people fail to understand the concept of zero sex drive.



Is it actually no sex drive or terror admit to a sex drive ? Even though I felt like I was unattractive to girls they were still very attractive to me. Being a teenage I did what boys do privately, but outside I wouldn't admit to any sexual feelings. I presented an asexual persona to everyone, classmates, family, everyone. I think my dad thought I was gay, no one was more shocked when I started dating my wife. When I became friends with girls I liked there was never any sexual or physical discussion, just small talk. My best guy friend never talked about sex either, just music, guitars, anything but sex. It turns out he had been molested by his step-father.


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## Saoirse (Apr 25, 2010)

I just get drunk and hit on hot dudes.


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## bigmac (Apr 25, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> I just get drunk and hit on hot dudes.



Yes -- drinking in public my old standby -- although quality control has been a problem.


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## Jes (Apr 25, 2010)

kooky double post


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## Jes (Apr 25, 2010)

Lamia said:


> . In some weird way I took on this persona of a non-sexual being so as not to pose a threat to those around me, competition for women or stalker for the men. .



this was (is?) me to a T. And that quiet 'don't look at me that way' voice might as well be a roar, especially b/c almost every single one of us in the world does not want to be vulnerable at some point. So if you're looking to talk to someone, do you pick the person making eye contact and smiling, or do you pick the person who looks uncomfortable and then suggests that her friend is single and wants to dance?

Back during my first year of college, I went to a house party. I remember that the guys in the house were older, they may or may not have been attending my school. I drank and took a few bong hits. And in the basement, people were dancing and sitting on this couch in a hole in the wall with a flashing strobe and black lights. Man, I've often wished I could go back to that party. ZGood times.

Anyway, this guy comes up and asks if I want to dance. And I just looked at my very conventionally cute friend Julie and said: I bet she wants to! Asik her! 

And he looked straight at me and said: I asked you. I didn't ask her. I want to dance with you. And then he said something loike: you have to feel good about yourself and you have to see yourself as equal or blah blah blah, I don't really recall. But I was shocked that he wanted to dance with me, and that it was SO FREAKING OBVIOUS what I was doing. Hahaha. And, we danced. Why didn't I decide that THIS guy held the majority opinion about me? Why did I assume that he was an exception and that everyone else thought I was gross? Was it because I'd already made up my mind for myself, and for everyone else?

So I think it's true that many fat people don't get too many breaks. I understand why so many of us have opted out. It's true that it's hurtful to be rejected and it's also true that many fat people get more than their fair share of rejection.

But it's important to be honest about how much we are shutting things down before they begin, just b/c we want to avoid hurt, and it's also important to think about how MOST PEOPLE around us get rejected, regardless of size. If you've been fat most of your life, and I have been, then you really can't know whether it's your size or something else that's led you down the path you've been on. Fatties can be victims, yes, but try to resist the feeling that only fatties are victims! It may help you out of a hole if you start thinking of things that way.

I've recently gotten in touch with lots of school friends through Facebook. It's been humbling. The fat girl with the awful smile and the too-nervous laugh? She's married with 3 kids. The guy who was much fatter than me (and yes, I played a bit of the 'well, I'm thinner, so at least I look better than so-and-so game) and a laughingstock? On his 2nd wife (wow, 2 women wanted to marry him), with a cute new baby, and a really wonderful family photo of people who look genuinely happy.

All that goes to show that the 'set in stone' things we think ('I'm fat, so I can't have nice things'), aren't necessarily true. They're only true if we insist on making them true through our behavior. I know I've done that and still do that. I'm not always open to new experiences because I decide beforehand that they won't turn out as I want them. Sure, I may have tried and failed in the past, but past experience does not determine future success, even if we're sure it does. That has been one of the hardest mental paths my mind has had to try to change in my whole life. I wish I were doing better with it; it's a process.

I think everyone's honesty here is a great start.


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## t3h_n00b (Apr 25, 2010)

Thank you for sharing. 

Somehow, I think this is as much a developmental issue as it is an issue of fat. I had similar experiences as yours of almost never getting asked out (and getting rejected literally every time I have ever approached a female). My bodytypes is a lot different than yours. I think the thing with me was the things I like and the way I act/talk. It just wasn't appealing to most girls (my tastes in music, fashion, and speech patterns when combined with my ethnicity is hard for some people to rationalize). It took a while, but I did manage to get away from the type of people I was incompatible with and got around some folks I can relate to and things got a lot better for me. However, those old feelings linger and it can just take a lot longer for them to go away. I just realized one day that the reason for my experiences and subsequent feelings could have just as well been anything else because some people are just assholes (people from small towns have a serious reputation for that). No one is perfect, but there's nothing about me or anything that I've ever dine that makes me a legitimate target of their shit. Once I let that set in, I was able to feel free of that stress. I've been a lot happier since then. Idk, I thought you might get some benefit out of that.


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## superodalisque (Apr 26, 2010)

this is a great discussion. i think its about the contrast between your real world and an interior fear filled world. the only anecdote is to get out and actually live. my 2 cents:

i know a lot of my fat friends are really beautiful women, gorgeous intelligent vivacious and funny. but i do think they have a chip on their shoulder and are worried or scared a lot or they've given up. i notice it even when they think it doesn't show. i never really dated from the net. because i think i'm a little too sensitive for the net dating especially as it relates to fat women. its a very harsh world. and when i say that within the community people always say that i am judging it too hard, that i'm talking to the wrong people etc...people say that guys who are not in the BBW culture don't want fat women. i think all of that is totally scaring people and on top of it its not true and very limiting. feeling safe is good. but i don't know how truly safe it is to limit choices just because of fear. and i'm worried about what being afraid attracts. 

for me i never knew what the community was until i was 40. but before that i had dated for my entire life since adolescence. i had a 15 year relationship that ended for reasons not about the relationship at all. i never thought i shouldn't be dating etc... i had an older sister who was slim and athletic and pretty but i dated more than she did. i think whats happened to a lot of fat women is that they've bought the bs hook line and sinker. they buy the media. they buy the people who want to scapegoat them. they buy the fear inside of the community. and like a lot of people here said people smell it on you in various ways. its like people look like they have lost or are losing and a lot of people don't want to associate themselves with that. so it really isn't the fat. if you settle on that as a reason it would be easy to waste a lot of your time. 

the guys who i've dated who aren't FAs have always taken me out in public, otherwise i wouldn't go. i find for me that FAs are the ones who seem to hide and are more likely to feel ashamed and expect fat women to sweat them because we are supposed to be desperate. i've known people in the community who've been pissed with me because i wouldn't give their FA friends the time of day. it doesn't matter that we were friends, he had my phone number and address but never made any effort to keep up with me unless we were at a bash and he could see my fat. it didn't matter if i were an after thought after they finish squeezing on everyone else. i was supposed to be okay with it. it doesn't matter if he knows i'm fat , have to buy st class or 2 seats i' supposed to be the one to come to him. it doesn't even matter if i'm partially disabled. he might not even tell me his last name. its not okay that won't show my ass on cam. whats wrong with me? aren't i proud of my body? how dare i expect to be treated like a woman with feelings. after all why should anyone make the effort to get to know me. i should just fall into their arms because i'm the lucky one. don't even bother to ask me if i'm seeing someone since it isn't possible because i'm fat and i'm supposed to be so "undesireable" to other men. how dare me to think i deserve more consideration. i'm so unrealistic. 

we're supposed to call and court etc... a lot of guys don't want to put in the effort to do it because they've really convinced themselves that no one wants us so why should they bother to treat us the way that other women are treated. and because a lot of us have tutored ourselves into having so little experience with men in general we buy it. a lot of people don't even bother to shower or change when they come to a dance. they wear stained t-shirts and old jeans and shorts that they wear slouching around the house. thats okay thats what all men do. no they don't. at other dances a man couldn't even get in. but because so few FAs show up people tend to accept nearly any kind of behavior as long as he doesn't seem like a serial killer. no one is even helping them to behave any better. people say shhhh when you mention it. you might hurt their feelings. i wonder about the women who spend so much time effort and money to buy and wear gowns only to have many men who are supposed to admire them show up like they've been cutting the lawn? i have never felt so much like a thing as that IRL.

nearly on the whole other men just walk up to me and ask me out like the lady that i am. they call me. they pursue. they aren't afraid of me. they aren't afraid of what other people might say. they actually try to impress me. they dress decently for the occasion. if i bother wearing a gown they are going to wear a suit or maybe even a tux. they smell like they wash. they care if they don't see me for a while. they ask about my goals in life they want to know how i feel. they want to know what i'm attracted to because they are concerned that i'm attracted to them. they never ask me about my body they see it and like it as it is no matter what the actual measurements are. i get to be a person to love and to be loved by. they are kind and respectful of me. they are nothing like how people who've never really dated many of them characterize them at all. 

i'm a super and i'm 46 yrs old but i get flirted with and asked out almost every time i leave my home. it doesn't matter what country or region i'm in. i think it has a lot more to do with being open to other people than it does anything else. that and maybe feeling that i'm worthy. i find it a lot easier to be that way in the general public. for me i'm more comfortable there than in the community. in the community i feel that i'm always walking on eggs. it feels like someone is always ready to seize on the little things you say or do and take affront. any little thing that gets seen is taken at its worst possible presentation. being around that can rub off too. it can make a person tender and suspicious of everyone, so much so that no one truly feels safe except people in your core friend group. but when i go out in the general public have no problem with issues like that. so its not something that everyone does as a lot of as people will say. 

overall the vibe in the community is a little fear driven. people are upset with you for whatever reason and they assume you hate them right back without ever asking if thats the case. they don't know you but imagine that they know all of your motivations. there are a lot of great people but it seems like someone is always finding something to be angry at somebody for. i think when people have gone through a long time of self doubt its easy to get to that point if some core philosophies are helping you to get there. especially in an atmosphere that tend to encourage women to go scrambling desperately after a few institutionally active FAs. a lot of people really don't socialize very much because of how they feel about themselves they magnify every bad experience they've ever had and end up taking it out on people. its understandable. but its something to be worked on before it rots us from the inside out. not everyone is hostile to our fat. sometimes they are just reacting to how we look at them. are we expecting them to to do their worst? being open to trust and friendship is important. having that atmosphere is important. and its important not to lose our whole identity in trying to prove to ourselves that we are sexually viable to someone else. the real secret is we are always, was and always will be sexually desireble because we are a women. someone will always be intrigued with what might be under our clothes no matter our size or shape if we allow that. so don't sweat it. what we really have to worry about is how we feel about it. are we loving ourselves enough? are we requiring other people to love us enough?

sorry about the looong rant you can just read the first sentence and the last sentence hehe


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 26, 2010)

I appreciate your perspective SuperO - especially since it seems like the attitude you have about yourself, men, etc. is such a healthy one. It's one that I think (hope!) I'm moving closer to, but that I still struggle to get to and maintain.

If I may ask one thing, has it ever happened to you where you were interested in a man, and he wasn't interested in you primarily because of your size? And if that has happened, how do you respond to it - both externally, and also, what is the thought process like in your mind when that happens? What do you think about yourself, him, etc? 

I'm only asking because when this does happen to me, I probably don't respond in the best way, internally - so I'm wondering what the internal process is for someone like you when this happens (if it has happened).

At the same time, I'm also realizing that I don't actually _know_ most of the time that it's because of my fatness that the (real life) guy is not interested. I just assume that. Hm. Something to think about.


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## superodalisque (Apr 26, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I appreciate your perspective SuperO - especially since it seems like the attitude you have about yourself, men, etc. is such a healthy one. It's one that I think (hope!) I'm moving closer to, but that I still struggle to get to and maintain.
> 
> If I may ask one thing, has it ever happened to you where you were interested in a man, and he wasn't interested in you primarily because of your size? And if that has happened, how do you respond to it - both externally, and also, what is the thought process like in your mind when that happens? What do you think about yourself, him, etc?
> 
> ...



sure. it probably has happened. but i guess i have never been interested in anyone who would be cruel enough to actually be the type to say it. i'm really an emotionalnik and i've never really been able to be really attracted to anyone i didn't consider nice. if i thought someone was physically attractive but they could think that way i could never be interested enough to be emotionally attracted. but i wouldn't take it personally even if it would happen because i don't ever expect everyone to be attracted to me. just like i'm not attracted to everyone i meet. to me being fat is like being a blonde or a redhead. its not a stigma just a description. it could be disappointing for a minute but it shouldn't be earth shattering. maybe the key might be not thinking that everyone is going to react the way that that person did. or feeling that someone is your last or only chance at love. if something doesn't work for any reason having the feeling that something else thats better for you might be around the corner helps a lot. hey, just because we are fat it doesn't mean we should be immune to disappointment. and you're right. you shouldn't be so quick to assume that its always because you are fat. look around. there are lots of people with fat partners, so its not everything in the negative sense to everybody.


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 26, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> sure. it probably has happened. but i guess i have never been interested in anyone who would be cruel enough to actually be the type to say it. i'm really an emotionalnik and i've never really been able to be really attracted to anyone i didn't consider nice. if i thought someone was physically attractive but they could think that way i could never be interested enough to be emotionally attracted. but i wouldn't take it personally even if it would happen because i don't ever expect everyone to be attracted to me. just like i'm not attracted to everyone i meet. to me being fat is like being a blonde or a redhead. its not a stigma just a description. it could be disappointing for a minute but it shouldn't be earth shattering. maybe the key might be not thinking that everyone is going to react the way that that person did. or feeling that someone is your last or only chance at love. if something doesn't work for any reason having the feeling that something else thats better for you might be around the corner helps a lot. hey, just because we are fat it doesn't mean we should be immune to disappointment. and you're right. you shouldn't be so quick to assume that its always because you are fat. look around. there are lots of people with fat partners, so its not everything in the negative sense to everybody.



Yeah, I do realize all the "right" things I'm supposed to think when I get rejected. I was just more wanting to know your own personal thought process and way of dealing with rejection. I appreciate your thoughts - thanks for sharing them.


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## superodalisque (Apr 26, 2010)

well i guess i've really gotten rid of the need to blame someone or blame myself if stuff doesn't work out. in that situation maybe nobody is wrong maybe it just doesn't work because we just don't mesh. there really IS someone for everybody warts and all. so i really try to just let it go as with any situation. but i don't tend to allow myself to really get involved with anyone who doesn't overtly show me that he is interested or attracted to me personally. even as a girl i was never the type to wish from afar. so thats why the shy FA thing doesn't really work with me at all. i don't care for guesswork. i don't care for it when people say that they are attracted to "the fat". i'm also not likely to pay anyone much attention if their attraction is conditional on me being fat because i don't want a relationship thats just based around my body alone. thats just not for me personally. there is no difference between that and a guy who wants to have a relationship conditional on me losing weight. i've seen enough at my age to know that things could change tomorrow. i could end up weighing 100lbs and not even by choice. if someone could leave me like that then thats not the kind of love i personally want. so i tend to take my time when it comes to putting a lot of eggs in a basket for a man. he has to show me at least a little something before i allow myself to go there totally. he has to at least be able to be openly attracted and then he has to have some integrity behind his intentions. he has to be able to transfer outside of the community where most of the rest of life is. i think that maybe when people have gone without or maybe even hidden from sexual attention for a long time its easy to go overboard when they finally wake up. its like a pendulum. the truth is the majority of guys could just as easily have sex with an 80lb girl and a 500lb girls. the difference is the something she exudes from herself from within. otherwise she is just another hole to lose oneself in. so being sexually attractive is not an earth shattering thing. its the emotionally attractive stuff that really needs to be concentrated on.

i guess the only real process is for me to really think hard about an emotion when i'm having it and trying to get it under control. i know i slip a lot and think i should have things my own way but then i have to breathe , slow things down and try to rationalize it out and handle it. and maybe just practicing that over the years is what helps some. i like the buddha's idea about controlling desire. to stop myself from desiring too much because thats destructive behavior. desiring too much especially too soon can make me eat myself up. i have to be able to let things flow become and evolve. i can't control it. desire is only good for me when its positive. if its hurting me or others i have to just let it go.


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## Jes (Apr 26, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> a lot of people really don't socialize very much because of how they feel about themselves they magnify every bad experience they've ever had and end up taking it out on people.



this line struck a chord with me. I have often noticed that it seems to me, based on posts, that a lot of members travel only to bashes. Days off, and vacations from work, mean people go to fat events, and many express that it's the only time they travel or socialize on a grand scale. I always think: don't they have families they visit? don't they want to sightsee and drink in the culture of other places? 

Of course, that's also a function of my own interests--I love to travel. I love to go to art museums, to take architectural tours, to eat street food every place I can. I spend my time and my money on those activities. I think a lot of Americans don't (and many don't have much time off. I am unusual; I work full time, and ever since my first day of employment I have had 7 to 8 weeks of vacation each year), so that's part of the issue too. But traveling only to fat events is another way to limit yourself. You may not be meeting as many people as you could if you expanded your social circle. It's also good to see how the other (non-fat) half lives. That sounds flippant, but I mean: it's important to see that no one has an easy ride when it comes to social interaction. Everyone gets ignored, everyone gets dumped, everyone gets cheated on, everyone gets stood up.


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## ashmamma84 (Apr 26, 2010)

Jes said:


> this line struck a chord with me. I have often noticed that it seems to me, based on posts, that a lot of members travel only to bashes. Days off, and vacations from work, mean people go to fat events, and many express that it's the only time they travel or socialize on a grand scale. I always think: don't they have families they visit? don't they want to sightsee and drink in the culture of other places?
> 
> Of course, that's also a function of my own interests--I love to travel. I love to go to art museums, to take architectural tours, to eat street food every place I can. I spend my time and my money on those activities. I think a lot of Americans don't (and many don't have much time off. I am unusual; I work full time, and ever since my first day of employment I have had 7 to 8 weeks of vacation each year), so that's part of the issue too. But traveling only to fat events is another way to limit yourself. You may not be meeting as many people as you could if you expanded your social circle. It's also good to see how the other (non-fat) half lives. That sounds flippant, but I mean: it's important to see that no one has an easy ride when it comes to social interaction. Everyone gets ignored, everyone gets dumped, everyone gets cheated on, everyone gets stood up.



Great post, Jes. I agree with you on a lot of points. It could be that people might be afraid to get their feet wet. Maybe fat events provides a sort of comfort or cocoon that some folks never really got to experience. It might be a thing of a safe haven for some. I personally have always wondered why especially since one could be rejected, stood up, fat bashed, etc at the very events that are supposed to be fat affirming. So...it might be all in how one looks at it. Kind of ironic, I think.

ps - as a fellow lover of travel, I envy your vacay time. Oh the places I could go with 2 months of leisure. HATE YOU!


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## collared Princess (Apr 26, 2010)

I see this in Philippe's daughter..She is 17 with a body 98% of woman would kill for..One afternoon she told her father and me that she didnt feel attractive and because of her dark skin she didnt think she would ever get a date.This young lady has a body like Jay-LO and she still has major issues with self esteem and cannot find a date to prom.I just scratch my head with all of this..So, you see, some of this is just teenage stuff big or small.


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## Jes (Apr 26, 2010)

ashmamma84 said:


> Maybe fat events provides a sort of comfort or cocoon that some folks never really got to experience. It might be a thing of a safe haven for some. D



Well then, for those who enjoy the experience and want to travel more, I hope fat events act as a gateway experience, and allow people to push their comfort levels so that they can finally get to Paris (or wherever it is they want to go!). Ah, Paris... The way I see it, we are more, much more, than our fat and we should get out more!


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## ashmamma84 (Apr 26, 2010)

Jes said:


> Well then, for those who enjoy the experience and want to travel more, I hope fat events act as a gateway experience, and allow people to push their comfort levels so that they can finally get to Paris (or wherever it is they want to go!). Ah, Paris... The way I see it, we are more, much more, than our fat and we should get out more!



Oh I definitely agree. Life doesn't exist in a (fat) vacuum. I was just throwing around some possible reasons/ideas why some don't get out and see other parts of life.

Question - do you think some people are under the impression that others in society are paying them that much attention? That others are so concerned with what they are doing/wearing/looking like, etc, so it prevents fat folk from being comfortable in the skin they're in? In my experience, people are too wrapped up in themselves and what they are doing to be concerned with me, on a general level. I think I'd have to act or look extremely bizarre for the average person to take notice most days.


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## Jes (Apr 26, 2010)

ashmamma84 said:


> Question - do you think some people are under the impression that others in society are paying them that much attention? .



You know, I think that's true and untrue at the same time. By which I mean: there are people who are genuinely paying us a lot of (negative) attention and then there is the rest of the world--people who are self-absorbed (and I don't mean that negatively, really) and worried about how they appear/come off, not how we appear/come off.

To pretend that no one spends time hurling insults, or posting shitty comments online would be wrong. But, to go back to what the OP was talking about, why is it that we take the opinions of THOSE people and assume they're the only or most important opinions out there? If I go out shopping all day, and 300 people walk right by me and 1 person looks at me and snarls, why does that outweigh the reaction of the other 300 people? And it does! I let it! And I HATE that I let it. My god, I hate it. It can be so very hard to actually be logical, and rational, and not let my gut, and my scared little inner child, go all 'fight-or-flee, everyone is against me' self protective. I need to examine the evidence more and not be so narcissistic. Not everyone is looking at me all the time. 300 people didn't even notice me on my shopping trip and that statistic factors into the mental equation too. I wish I weren't my own worst enemy a lot of the time. Even in the face of the facts, I find it very hard to change.


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## ashmamma84 (Apr 26, 2010)

Jes said:


> You know, I think that's true and untrue at the same time. By which I mean: there are people who are genuinely paying us a lot of (negative) attention and then there is the rest of the world--people who are self-absorbed (and I don't mean that negatively, really) and worried about how they appear/come off, not how we appear/come off.
> 
> To pretend that no one spends time hurling insults, or posting shitty comments online would be wrong. But, to go back to what the OP was talking about, why is it that we take the opinions of THOSE people and assume they're the only or most important opinions out there? If I go out shopping all day, and 300 people walk right by me and 1 person looks at me and snarls, why does that outweigh the reaction of the other 300 people? And it does! I let it! And I HATE that I let it. My god, I hate it. It can be so very hard to actually be logical, and rational, and not let my gut, and my scared little inner child, go all 'fight-or-flee, everyone is against me' self protective. I need to examine the evidence more and not be so narcissistic. Not everyone is looking at me all the time. 300 people didn't even notice me on my shopping trip and that statistic factors into the mental equation too. I wish I weren't my own worst enemy a lot of the time. Even in the face of the facts, I find it very hard to change.



Something very interesting happened to me about a week ago. I was in the city hunting for a new house and decided I needed a break and headed to a Charhouse for a Chicago style hotdog. So, as I was turning the corner, a guy on a bike almost zooms past me. Admittedly, I didn't see him and could have almost ran him over if my reflexes to hit the brakes weren't so good. He got upset and called me an idiot and a fat bitch. At first, I was more shocked than anything...then it pissed me off to the point that I was nearly in tears. 

After I sat in the parking lot of the Charhouse for a moment and calmed myself, I talked it over w/my partner. No one has ever been so disrespectful so processing those feelings was new, kinda scary territory. It wasn't until later on that evening that I realized that guy probably had his own issues and since he didn't know me, he chose the most socially acceptable insult to hurl (hence the fat bitch). 

And while it was hurtful, I'm trying hard not to let some peon ruin what's good and right w/me. Yes, I'm fat...and I'm also amazing. I didn't have a comeback and years ago it would have eaten at me because I didn't take the chance to rip him a new one. Maybe it's some kind of growth on my part -- I don't feel I have to apologize or have some retort/witty comeback for being fat. I don't have to hide behind any defense mechanisms. So, even if he (or people like him) really do abhor fatties like me, the best revenge is for me to continue to hold my head high, go out in the world and live well.

Apologies to OP for veering off original discussion.


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## SuperSizedAngie (Apr 26, 2010)

Awww, I'm so sorry you ever had to go through that. I know exactly what you mean. Pretty much until two years ago when I discovered chubby chasers and FA, I didn't ever think anyone could see me as a sexual object, and for about four years after puberty, I had no sex drive whatsoever. I just took it for granted that if I ever wanted to have a man, sex would always be about him, because who would ever want to do something for me in that way??? 

At least, that's what I thought until I turned 18 and started meeting people online! Just knowing that someone can look at me and can be attracted to me completely helped to build my self-confidence back up. It's not that my self-worth is based on how many men think I'm attractive, BUT knowing that not everybody that looked at me considered me to be the "hideous, overgrown *thing*" really helped me out. Understanding that there was a society out there in which my body could be perfectly acceptable and not always the object of ridicule was uplifting and freeing. 

I now regret all of those years of furiously trying to lose weight and changing my body for all the wrong reasons. I look at other SSBBWs and now all I can think is "My god, she's gorgeous!! I wish I had her butt!!" I regret all of those pounds I lost back then because, by golly, I sure wish I'd let them stick around now!!


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## thatgirl08 (Apr 26, 2010)

I don't buy into the idea that people are too wrapped up in their own world to notice you. Everyone I spend a significant amount of time with in my life.. my mom, my friends, people at school, coworkers.. everyone is always being like "do you see that girl's outfit? do you see that guy? oohh check out the hottie to the left (blatant sarcasm)" Maybe it's a generational thing or maybe I just surround myself with bitches but either way, I know people *are* noticing. Maybe not all people are noticing and maybe it's not all bad, but it does happen, because I've heard it. The key for me was just not giving a fuck.. to accept the fact that people are probably talking about me but that it just doesn't matter.


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## Lamia (Apr 27, 2010)

Fat Brian said:


> Is it actually no sex drive or terror admit to a sex drive ? Even though I felt like I was unattractive to girls they were still very attractive to me. Being a teenage I did what boys do privately, but outside I wouldn't admit to any sexual feelings. I presented an asexual persona to everyone, classmates, family, everyone. I think my dad thought I was gay, no one was more shocked when I started dating my wife. When I became friends with girls I liked there was never any sexual or physical discussion, just small talk. My best guy friend never talked about sex either, just music, guitars, anything but sex. It turns out he had been molested by his step-father.



When I was younger it was definately a persona. Of course I was also sort of naive about sex too. For instance I had no idea the thing I did at night before sleeping had anything to do with anyone, but myself. I thought I had discovered this relaxation technique. So in a way I sort of seperated that from sex. I just knew I wanted to have a boyfriend, but really had no idea what I would do with one. 
So I never lost an interest in pleasure, but I couldn't imagine making myself vulnerable to someone enough to be naked with them. 

I don't know if that answered the question.


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## Tad (Apr 27, 2010)

Lamia said:


> So in a way I sort of seperated that from sex. I just knew I wanted to have a boyfriend, but really had no idea what I would do with one.
> So I never lost an interest in pleasure, but I couldn't imagine making myself vulnerable to someone enough to be naked with them.



I knew what I was doing, but otherwise THIS ^^^^ (well, with genders reversed). Especially that "I had no idea what I would do with one. 

I wasn't all that fat, but from a family heavily focused on outdoor activities and sports I was a nerd who liked reading and role-playing games, was chubby, and had to wear glasses (and who had fairly bad acne)....so I saw the value of things that I lacked, but not of the things that I had. So I had the feelings of wanting a girlfriend, but no concept that any girls would be interested in me, or of how we would relate/what we'd do (I wouldn't go play tennis with her like my brother did, I wouldn't meet her on the swimming team like my sister did with her boyfriend, I wasn't especially interested in going camping with her like my parents did whenever they could...)

I think there are all sorts of things that can make us feel distinct from those around us, robbing us of role models to which we can relate.

In my case things started to change with one girl that I first related to mentally, giving me a glimpse of matching up well that way. We moved before that went very far, but it planted a seed that managed to send up shoots several years later, and which fortunately hit fertile conditions for growing.


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## superodalisque (Apr 27, 2010)

i still wonder why most of us spend so much time being caught up in looking to other people for their identity and self worth instead of just trying to figure out what actually makes us happy within ourselves. and then maybe through that attracting friends lovers etc... who actually like us for who and what we are? maybe it has something to do with a biological need at times to be part of a group. but there is so much happiness and peace to be had when you can drop it and let go of the "other" thing.


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## superodalisque (Apr 27, 2010)

Jes said:


> this line struck a chord with me. I have often noticed that it seems to me, based on posts, that a lot of members travel only to bashes. Days off, and vacations from work, mean people go to fat events, and many express that it's the only time they travel or socialize on a grand scale. I always think: don't they have families they visit? don't they want to sightsee and drink in the culture of other places?
> 
> Of course, that's also a function of my own interests--I love to travel. I love to go to art museums, to take architectural tours, to eat street food every place I can. I spend my time and my money on those activities. I think a lot of Americans don't (and many don't have much time off. I am unusual; I work full time, and ever since my first day of employment I have had 7 to 8 weeks of vacation each year), so that's part of the issue too. But traveling only to fat events is another way to limit yourself. You may not be meeting as many people as you could if you expanded your social circle. It's also good to see how the other (non-fat) half lives. That sounds flippant, but I mean: it's important to see that no one has an easy ride when it comes to social interaction. Everyone gets ignored, everyone gets dumped, everyone gets cheated on, everyone gets stood up.




exactly. i had a taste of going to fat events while. it definitely has an effect on how you see the world. it all sort of shrinks down expectations and experiences. i can see how it could reduce a person's exposure to new and different things and all kinds of people. i'd die if that was the only outlet i ever had. i think it would be really easy to get paranoid of other people you almost never had any social dealings with.


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 27, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> exactly. i had a taste of going to fat events while. it definitely has an effect on how you see the world. it all sort of shrinks down expectations and experiences. i can see how it could reduce a person's exposure to new and different things and all kinds of people. i'd die if that was the only outlet i ever had. i think it would be really easy to get paranoid of other people you almost never had any social dealings with.



That does seem to be a reality in the fat community at times - thinking the world outside our community is this "other" or a "them" that is hostile to "us." And it certainly affects which men we think might be interested in us (as fat women) in a way that I don't feel like is really that helpful.

After a few experiences of being rejected or quite blatantly insulted by a guy because of our bodies/appearance (or even one really bad one), I can definitely see the appeal of coming into a safe space where that kind of stuff is against the rules and where we are physically appreciated. But staying in that safe space and never venturing out is definitely self-limiting, just in terms of the sheer number of really good people who are not "in" the community who we then don't get to meet and interact with (and make out with).


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## Tad (Apr 27, 2010)

On the travelling only to bashes topic....it shows up in lots of sub-cultures. Gamers who only get away to go to gaming conventions, science-fiction fans who only get away to sci-fi conventions, or to a somewhat lesser extent people who use all their vacation to be Parrot Heads and follow around Jimmy Buffet (or Deadheads, etc). 

I guess for some people the trip is their break from a real world where they don't feel they fit in, to a place where they are more comfortable. Kind of like how some people who are living in a foreign country end up using most of their vacation to go and visit home. Just that in this case home is not a place but a group of people?

(I've been to a couple of gaming/sci-fi conventions, and it was not really my thing....but for me home is where your cat is, so maybe that explains it?)


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## superodalisque (Apr 27, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't buy into the idea that people are too wrapped up in their own world to notice you. Everyone I spend a significant amount of time with in my life.. my mom, my friends, people at school, coworkers.. everyone is always being like "do you see that girl's outfit? do you see that guy? oohh check out the hottie to the left (blatant sarcasm)" Maybe it's a generational thing or maybe I just surround myself with bitches but either way, I know people *are* noticing. Maybe not all people are noticing and maybe it's not all bad, but it does happen, because I've heard it. The key for me was just not giving a fuck.. to accept the fact that people are probably talking about me but that it just doesn't matter.



could it be that you are just noticing the people who do because they are usually the ones who are more verbal? they might be venting because they feel bad themselves. its my experience that you have to be careful about who you spend your time with. they can give you a negative slant on the world that makes it hard to live in it sometimes. for instance, i know a lot of people who really believe that the world is crap. i stay away from people like that in general because i notice when i'm around them its harder to see the good stuff or even appreciate the little things. and when good things do come around they always manage to say something to spoil it. that might be the reason why a lot of fat people don't get play socially too. we do tend to whine moan and complain a lot. a lot of us feel entitled to acceptance we can't seem give to ourselves or even to people like us. we are all supposed to teach people how to accept us by our own actions. thin people aren't just accepted out of hand just for being smaller like a lot of people seem to think. a lot of us are so focused on fat angst that we don't even notice or care about what other people are going through. sometimes that lack of empathy also makes us look unattractive to be around.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 27, 2010)

Getting back to the Thing thing. I have been objectified because I am fat, so it really can swing both ways.


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## katherine22 (Apr 28, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> could it be that you are just noticing the people who do because they are usually the ones who are more verbal? they might be venting because they feel bad themselves. its my experience that you have to be careful about who you spend your time with. they can give you a negative slant on the world that makes it hard to live in it sometimes. for instance, i know a lot of people who really believe that the world is crap. i stay away from people like that in general because i notice when i'm around them its harder to see the good stuff or even appreciate the little things. and when good things do come around they always manage to say something to spoil it. that might be the reason why a lot of fat people don't get play socially too. we do tend to whine moan and complain a lot. a lot of us feel entitled to acceptance we can't seem give to ourselves or even to people like us. we are all supposed to teach people how to accept us by our own actions. thin people aren't just accepted out of hand just for being smaller like a lot of people seem to think. a lot of us are so focused on fat angst that we don't even notice or care about what other people are going through. sometimes that lack of empathy also makes us look unattractive to be around.



What a great point. It is so easy to believe that thin people do not have to bring more to the table than thinness.


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## thatgirl08 (Apr 28, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> could it be that you are just noticing the people who do because they are usually the ones who are more verbal? they might be venting because they feel bad themselves. its my experience that you have to be careful about who you spend your time with. they can give you a negative slant on the world that makes it hard to live in it sometimes. for instance, i know a lot of people who really believe that the world is crap. i stay away from people like that in general because i notice when i'm around them its harder to see the good stuff or even appreciate the little things. and when good things do come around they always manage to say something to spoil it. that might be the reason why a lot of fat people don't get play socially too. we do tend to whine moan and complain a lot. a lot of us feel entitled to acceptance we can't seem give to ourselves or even to people like us. we are all supposed to teach people how to accept us by our own actions. thin people aren't just accepted out of hand just for being smaller like a lot of people seem to think. a lot of us are so focused on fat angst that we don't even notice or care about what other people are going through. sometimes that lack of empathy also makes us look unattractive to be around.



I don't like this collective "we" at all because what you're saying, doesn't apply to me. I don't sit around bitching and moaning about being fat all the time.. nor am I under the impression that thin people are automatically accepted.. like where did I say or imply that? All I said is that people notice other people.


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## Tau (Apr 28, 2010)

God chick, I feel you so hard. 

I always felt like a sexless, invisible being - even after I finally realised that I loved my fat body even if the rest of the world didn't. I remember sitting in my Psych 101 class and listening to the lecturer talk about how human beings could not consider themselves normal or properly developed until they had had non-platonic love for another person and had that love and desire channled right back at them. This was me in that class . I always, always felt like less of a woman because I'd never been kissed, never been desired, and in my head it was because of my fat. I made a pledge to myself when I left varsity. I promised myself that I would not reach the age of 25 still a virgin, come hell or high frikken water. Right about that time I discovered the Fat-Forums and Bodacious Magazine and it opened my eyes to a vision of fat women that I had had of myself but never seen represented anywhere else. Seeing fat girls representing themselves as glamourous, beautiful, desirable, sexually driven, energetic - it just blew my mind.

I knew I was intelligent, a caring daughter, a good friend and had an amazing personality  but I never knew that anybody would ever want to fuck me. I didn't think I had a right to be seen as a sexual being - as that hot piece of ass that had the boys drooling. I know that this isn't exactly politically correct but I wanted to be that slutty girl who had the kind of sex life that would make a porn star drool. Its like a switch flipped in my head and suddenly I knew how to turn the sexy on. I allowed myself to flirt. I didn't run and hide when I caught an admiring gaze thrown my way. I allowed myself to believe that the looks i got were actually admiring and not mocking. The result was that I had a great deal of sex before my 25th birthday LOL! which was fun, please don't get me wrong, and exactly what I needed at the time, but I also learnt that there are still a lot of fat girl vulnerabilities I have that I need to work on in order to allow myself to be in any kind of real relationship. 

Sex is the easy part. There are a ton of men and women who love shagging fat girls, its actually fairly difficult not to trip over them, but true love - that's the challenge. I don't think any of you should knock the connections you've made online - I don't think any of you should feel that your romatic liaisons are less just because it wasn't love at first sight over a puddle of vomit at the local bar. I think that, rather, you should celebrate that you've found love at all because it isn't just us fatties who struggle with this - it really, really isn't. 

I still have my insecure nincampoop days - many of these. I'm going through a period of these right now. Days I don't want to leave the house; where a Battle Star or VD marathon is far more attractive to me than braving the love trenches armed with too much eyeshadow and a smile, and thats cool too.  Take those day, enjoy them even, but then suck it up and get out there again cos true love, as time has proven, is a lazy bitch who has no intention of even looking for you!


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## Tau (Apr 28, 2010)

There've been a lot of really awesome responses here - like pushing your comfort zones, not living in in a fat cacoon, not projecting your own negativity onto everyone and everything and to a point I agree - but we haven't all had the same experiences when it comes to our fat bodies. I'll never forget a post from a girl who was on F-F and she said that she actually couldn't bear the thought of living because of how badly she was treated for being fat. People threw food and drinks at her, people pushed her, people spat at her and hit her - all because of her size. She lived in a small town in the US and she felt like an unworthy piece of dirt. I honestly don't think you could tell that girl that her experiences are as a result of her projecting her negativity onto the people around her. Those things _did_ happen to her - those people treated her like nothing and _they told her they were treating her like nothing because she was fat._ I think some of us fatties have been very seriously battered and bruised and we've got to take into consideration that experiences like that aren't just going to disappear - this person isn't going to magically consider herself beautiful and desirable and date-able after years of abuse and it doesn't matter how often she tells herself she's glorious, the people around her do everything in their power to remind her that they think she isn't. I remember people advising her to move, not to take it to heart, to hold on to her beauty, but how's a 19 year old meant to do that?? I think a lot of what has been said is very valuable and these are steps I try to take in my own life and in my dealing with my relationships but in some situations they might be asking just a little too much.


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## superodalisque (Apr 28, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't like this collective "we" at all because what you're saying, doesn't apply to me. I don't sit around bitching and moaning about being fat all the time.. nor am I under the impression that thin people are automatically accepted.. like where did I say or imply that? All I said is that people notice other people.



sorry , its hard to know what pronoun to use. i tend to say you, which wouldn't be right either. i only say we because it doesn't exempt me. i tried to pose it as a question. just something to think about. please don't take it as a judgement on you, because its not. i really don't know you personally like that. i'm just throwing something out there.


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## superodalisque (Apr 28, 2010)

Tau said:


> There've been a lot of really awesome responses here - like pushing your comfort zones, not living in in a fat cacoon, not projecting your own negativity onto everyone and everything and to a point I agree - but we haven't all had the same experiences when it comes to our fat bodies. I'll never forget a post from a girl who was on F-F and she said that she actually couldn't bear the thought of living because of how badly she was treated for being fat. People threw food and drinks at her, people pushed her, people spat at her and hit her - all because of her size. She lived in a small town in the US and she felt like an unworthy piece of dirt. I honestly don't think you could tell that girl that her experiences are as a result of her projecting her negativity onto the people around her. Those things _did_ happen to her - those people treated her like nothing and _they told her they were treating her like nothing because she was fat._ I think some of us fatties have been very seriously battered and bruised and we've got to take into consideration that experiences like that aren't just going to disappear - this person isn't going to magically consider herself beautiful and desirable and date-able after years of abuse and it doesn't matter how often she tells herself she's glorious, the people around her do everything in their power to remind her that they think she isn't. I remember people advising her to move, not to take it to heart, to hold on to her beauty, but how's a 19 year old meant to do that?? I think a lot of what has been said is very valuable and these are steps I try to take in my own life and in my dealing with my relationships but in some situations they might be asking just a little too much.



yeah i know what you mean. people say just do this or just do that. at the time when you are in a situation things feel hopeless and you might feel you don't have a choice. the people who are abusive to you want to underscore that point for you every day of your life. especially when you are only 19and you don't know much . when people are abusive towards you its even easier to convince yourself that you don't have a choice. by 19 i know i had been away from home , working on my own and going to college with no financial support. so like you said it depends on your experiences. sometimes when you've done something or gone through something yourself its hard to put things in a palatable way for people who can't find their way right away. its a hard balance. do you just say you are sorry and they should take it? or should you cue them in that they really do have a choice, a scary choice but a choice? its hard to know what to say.

i think that maybe in my case i know i say challenging things because i wish i had had more of that growing up. size was never an issue for me personally but i had people in my life who thought they could manipulate me with what they thought i should feel insecure about. people do tend to think that if you are fat that they can make you feel powerless enough to take advantage. and also there are people who just don't want to add to your burden so they soften and sugar coat everything. but your life doesn't always have to be a bitter pill that you sweeten up. sometimes someone needs to say "you know, you don't have to swallow that".

i know it probably sounded hard for people to say just leave to a 19 year old. but i'm betting there were also a lot of people who used to be that 19 yr old who are just so anxious for her to get away because they knew personally how much better life would be for her on the outside. when you know something is already damaging somebody and you know it your heart it could be much better its nearly impossible to encourage them to stay in a situation like that. its no different than encouraging someone in leaving an abusive partner. battering, like a lot of negative things, looks safe to the person until they can see that they really can make it. i think lots of issues like that pop up. and it sounds like blaming to people--like you are blaming them for their situation. but thats part of feeling abused too. feeling that every opinion or suggestion is blame because thats how abusive people keep you in line. thats why its so important to look hard at what you are doing as a woman. if you can accept blame from people who you are sure don't support you but its hard to accept the opinions of people who really want to help, then you may just have more of an internal issue to deal with than an external one. and thats much harder. 

i think its tough for people experiencing some types of abuse to really face that many times we chose our abuse. i'm not talking about small children but adults like all of us. its not our fault if someone is abusive toward us. but if we can think of any way to get away from it and don't... people have to be honest enough to say to themselves that they have made that choice. it doesn't matter why. you could have been brainwashed. you could have no money. it doesn't matter. but knowing that can make you powerful in the end because if you can admit that you actually made the choice to stay for whatever reason at least eventually you can make the choice to leave. but you have to take possession of your power first. its a messed up choice that you might be put in a position to make, with awful alternatives, but it is a choice. but things don't always stay the same. so when the choices start to look better you have to be ready to take them and not talk yourself out of them because you haven't worked on feeling unworthy and the people around you haven't told you that you were.


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## superodalisque (Apr 28, 2010)

collared Princess said:


> I see this in Philippe's daughter..She is 17 with a body 98% of woman would kill for..One afternoon she told her father and me that she didnt feel attractive and because of her dark skin she didnt think she would ever get a date.This young lady has a body like Jay-LO and she still has major issues with self esteem and cannot find a date to prom.I just scratch my head with all of this..So, you see, some of this is just teenage stuff big or small.



i see that a lot too. i have beautiful young students who look like angels and they feel hideous. most women's lives are a misery on that score and we need to figure out how to do something about it.

last night i was watching something related to economic psychology. there was this experiment where they had two groups of people. one group watched a sad movie. the other didn't. they were asked to say how much they would pay for a product. i can't remember what it was exactly--something simple and everyday like deodorant. the group that didn't watch the sad movie said they would pay $2 for the simple item and the group who watched the sad movie said they pay $10 for the simple item. 

this is why everything we see read or come i contact with is aimed at somehow making us feel unhappy with ourselves--so we'll buy more. its working. we've spent our entire economy down a hole. the entire banking problem came about because we were almost all greedy. most of the nation has a big empty hole they need to fill. we need the big house the big cars the prestigious symbols of having "made it". when that didn't work we bought drugs. an amazing amount of the american income goes toward mind altering substances--not always illegal drugs. it wasn't just the banks. it was all of us hating on our real selves that did this.


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## Fat Brian (Apr 29, 2010)

Lamia said:


> When I was younger it was definately a persona. Of course I was also sort of naive about sex too. For instance I had no idea the thing I did at night before sleeping had anything to do with anyone, but myself. I thought I had discovered this relaxation technique. So in a way I sort of seperated that from sex. I just knew I wanted to have a boyfriend, but really had no idea what I would do with one.
> So I never lost an interest in pleasure, but I couldn't imagine making myself vulnerable to someone enough to be naked with them.
> 
> I don't know if that answered the question.




That exactly answered my question, thank you. When I was that age I wanted a girlfriend and I knew EXACTLY what to do with her, it was the procurement that was the problem.


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## hal84 (Apr 29, 2010)

As a guy I know tht I have struggled to ask out females. However woman don't want to date a guy and it took me becoming aman and more mature to go after who I found atttractive andnot just wht society said ws attractive. Sooner or later you will have a man ask you out and when it does smile! Also, haev confidence, guys flock to confidence like white on rice (I hope that's an actual saying, if not I'm going to look really dumb.) Hope that cheers some of you lovely ladies up.


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## thatgirl08 (Apr 29, 2010)

I think it's stick to ____ like white on rice but same idea.


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## adolan55 (Apr 30, 2010)

Lamia said:


> The majority of my life I felt like a thing and not a person. I had no sexuality for a long time. I could probably trace this to a number of incidents, but mostly it's from being fat. As a fat girl when I hit puberty I spent a lot of time standing to the side watching others live. It becomes part of who you are. You're the person who people come over and talk to until their friends show up. You ride the rides by yourself. You're alone. No one ever winks at you. No one asks you out on a date. No one flirts with you.



Lamia, this is the way I felt most of my life until I went to college and things started to change. The change was all my mindset and self-image and it has improved the quality of my friendships and relationships dramatically. I went through all of grade school and finished high school as a really nerdy kid and I feel like the reason I had very few friends and only one short relationship was because of how I didn't value myself. Instead of feeling like a thing, I felt like "that guy" (like unimportant) and I felt very unattractive and like I didn't have anything to offer someone even if they did find me attractive. The thing I think that made college so good was that I opened up (with the help of social drinking) and found that I really like my personality and that I have a lot to offer someone (I even started looking in the mirror and saying "Ok this is what I look like, I'm ok with this!").

I hate hearing that others grew up feeling any way similar to the way I felt growing up but it makes me very happy to hear that you know you are certainly not a thing. Looking at your picture you are unbelievably beautiful and it has nothing to do with your fat, because it is obvious to me that you are just a beautiful person with or without the weight.

On a side note, your profile says you are into tabletop, what do you play if you still do?



thatgirl08 said:


> I don't like this collective "we" at all because what you're saying, doesn't apply to me. I don't sit around bitching and moaning about being fat all the time.. nor am I under the impression that thin people are automatically accepted.. like where did I say or imply that? All I said is that people notice other people.



I had a pretty crippling social anxiety disorder growing up and lead me to being unpopular, unhappy, and left me with a very low self-value. When I learned how to work through I become a lot happier, but you are right to say that being thin doesn't make you automatically accepted because it doesn't. I still have my days where it is hard to get over that part of my mind that tries to make it really hard to make social connections but I have found ways to cope with it and since then have become more accepted by my peers. Once again I think it just shows how powerful our self-image affects our self-esteem and then ultimately how well we can interact with anyone else.


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## Fat Brian (Apr 30, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't like this collective "we" at all because what you're saying, doesn't apply to me. I don't sit around bitching and moaning about being fat all the time.. nor am I under the impression that thin people are automatically accepted.. like where did I say or imply that? All I said is that people notice other people.




I never bitched or whined, I just accepted it as a fact. I developed other traits like being the funny guy to try to compensate.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 30, 2010)

I never did either although for a while I did have a reputation as a cold unapproachable bitch with a superiority complex and severe narcisistic tendencies. I don't think I'm cold or unapproachable though.


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## Saoirse (Apr 30, 2010)

I refuse to allow myself to think of myself as worthless. Just can't happen.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 30, 2010)

Even when I thought the whole world hated me, I still secretly liked myself.


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## KittyKitten (Apr 30, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> this is a great discussion. i think its about the contrast between your real world and an interior fear filled world. the only anecdote is to get out and actually live. my 2 cents:
> 
> i know a lot of my fat friends are really beautiful women, gorgeous intelligent vivacious and funny. but i do think they have a chip on their shoulder and are worried or scared a lot or they've given up. i notice it even when they think it doesn't show. i never really dated from the net. because i think i'm a little too sensitive for the net dating especially as it relates to fat women. its a very harsh world. and when i say that within the community people always say that i am judging it too hard, that i'm talking to the wrong people etc...people say that guys who are not in the BBW culture don't want fat women. i think all of that is totally scaring people and on top of it its not true and very limiting. feeling safe is good. but i don't know how truly safe it is to limit choices just because of fear. and i'm worried about what being afraid attracts.
> 
> ...



Wonderful post! And that is the kind of attitude women should have. Women should walk around with their heads up and feel that they are desirable and wanted. Men then smell that confidence and come to women. I've always felt sexy, desirable and beautiful no matter my weight.


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## Lamia (May 1, 2010)

I think environment plays a huge role in how we develop self-esteem. My mother has always been fat and felt ugly and hated herself. My dad hates fat and has always made fun of me, chastised me, etc. So when you grow up being taught that you're gross it's hard to drum up self-love. Bravo to those people who have never had to go through this. 
How many of you have had great support at home from your parents, yet still have trouble with self-esteem?



adolan55 said:


> On a side note, your profile says you are into tabletop, what do you play if you still do?



D&D 3.5 (4th ed sucks) Gurps, Deadlands, Hunter, Champions etc.


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## Fat Brian (May 1, 2010)

I did not have virtually any support from home. My mom has massive self-esteem issues along with some underlying mental illness she won't discuss and my dad is very standoff-ish. Neither of my parents have ever told that they loved me.

I never had nice clothes to wear to school, I wore sweatpants everyday until I was in the sixth grade, along with threadbare tshirts and defective socks from the mill my grandmother worked in. In the eighth grade I moved to another school and based on my clothes the teachers got together and were all going to chip in and buy me something nice to wear. They were shocked to find out I lived in the biggest house in the nicest neighborhood in the entire city. We had plenty of money so that I didn't have to wear rags but no one ever told me I had a choice, evidently I didn't feel I deserved better.

This was another obstacle to female companionship, its hard to get a girl when your balls hang out of the holes in your pants. Fortunately for me a great young woman saw the potential in me and we're still together.


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## CastingPearls (May 1, 2010)

I'm so sorry that you went through that Brian and am glad you're happier and appreciated and loved now.


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## Lamia (May 1, 2010)

Fat Brian said:


> I did not have virtually any support from home. My mom has massive self-esteem issues along with some underlying mental illness she won't discuss and my dad is very standoff-ish. Neither of my parents have ever told that they loved me.
> 
> I never had nice clothes to wear to school, I wore sweatpants everyday until I was in the sixth grade, along with threadbare tshirts and defective socks from the mill my grandmother worked in. In the eighth grade I moved to another school and based on my clothes the teachers got together and were all going to chip in and buy me something nice to wear. They were shocked to find out I lived in the biggest house in the nicest neighborhood in the entire city. We had plenty of money so that I didn't have to wear rags but no one ever told me I had a choice, evidently I didn't feel I deserved better.
> 
> This was another obstacle to female companionship, its hard to get a girl when your balls hang out of the holes in your pants. Fortunately for me a great young woman saw the potential in me and we're still together.



It's amazing how much our parents can fuck us up. I'm just glad that we can work on fixing ourselves.


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## Fat Brian (May 1, 2010)

Thank you, I have found myself to be fairly resilient about that time, it didn't feel nearly as bad at the time as I know it should have now.


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## CastingPearls (May 1, 2010)

Do you feel guilty about that Brian---that perhaps you could have done more to protect yourself or that you should have been more angry? Because I don't. I tolerated so much and reacted when I felt I had no support or options. In hindsight, I regret nothing.


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## Lamia (May 1, 2010)

Fat Brian said:


> Thank you, I have found myself to be fairly resilient about that time, it didn't feel nearly as bad at the time as I know it should have now.



It could be as you said you were sort of oblivious to the fact that things should have been better for you. When the teachers were putting together a collection is that first time you were made aware that perhaps your parents were ill treating you?


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## Fat Brian (May 1, 2010)

The only thing I regret was not being able to help the girl I mentioned earlier. That guilt eats at me sometimes. I have found that I have a need to "fix" women and if they are in some kind of distress it makes them far more attractive. I have read that this is a response to having low self-esteem, that by helping someone they will be grateful and maybe I will be praised. My wife was in a bad situation with her alcoholic father when we met so fit the bill as well.


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## CastingPearls (May 1, 2010)

Lamia said:


> It could be as you said you were sort of oblivious to the fact that things should have been better for you. When the teachers were putting together a collection is that first time you were made aware that perhaps your parents were ill treating you?


A lot of children, even when they're being neglected or outright abused are unable to assign guilt to their parents because of the shame of disloyalty or accepting that their own parents don't or are unable to love them. Instead they often internalize it although that may in no way represent Brian's situation.


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## Fat Brian (May 1, 2010)

Lamia said:


> It could be as you said you were sort of oblivious to the fact that things should have been better for you. When the teachers were putting together a collection is that first time you were made aware that perhaps your parents were ill treating you?




Not really, when I was much younger I had written this long profanity laden letter to my parents about how they neglected me and left out where they would see it. My grandmother found it and we talked some and she agreed with most of it. As I got older I just looked forward to the time I would move out and get away. I got married two months after I turned 18 and haven't looked back.


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## Lamia (May 1, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> A lot of children, even when they're being neglected or outright abused are unable to assign guilt to their parents because of the shame of disloyalty or accepting that their own parents don't or are unable to love them. Instead they often internalize it although that may in no way represent Brian's situation.



I understand that I think it's a type of survival skill. I could never assign guilt to my mother when I was younger. I blamed my dad for everything. I think it was necessary to feel I had an ally. My mother was a very good mom in most ways so it was easy to ignore her bad traits. I don't think anyone's parents are perfect, but it's only been within the last 10 years that I've been able to hold my mother accountable for certain things.


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## Fat Brian (May 1, 2010)

My wife is in therapy now dealing with her mother issues. While she lived at home here father was the main abuser and she bonded with her. Now her mom tries to undermine our relationship. She picks on Crystal's body and tries to make her feel insecure because she knows it makes us fight.


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## CastingPearls (May 2, 2010)

Fat Brian said:


> My wife is in therapy now dealing with her mother issues. While she lived at home here father was the main abuser and she bonded with her. Now her mom tries to undermine our relationship. She picks on Crystal's body and tries to make her feel insecure because she knows it makes us fight.


Is it a feasible option to limit your wife's contact with her mother because it sounds like a toxic relationship.


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## Fat Brian (May 2, 2010)

That has been part of her treatment but as an only child of two disabled parents she can't totally be free. Before she started treatment she allowed her guilt to force us to move down the block from them, yeah, now she sees the error of her ways.


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## CastingPearls (May 2, 2010)

Looking forward to the future is the best option. Best of luck and hugs to both of you.


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## calauria (May 7, 2010)

Tau said:


> There've been a lot of really awesome responses here - like pushing your comfort zones, not living in in a fat cacoon, not projecting your own negativity onto everyone and everything and to a point I agree - but we haven't all had the same experiences when it comes to our fat bodies. I'll never forget a post from a girl who was on F-F and she said that she actually couldn't bear the thought of living because of how badly she was treated for being fat. People threw food and drinks at her, people pushed her, people spat at her and hit her - all because of her size. She lived in a small town in the US and she felt like an unworthy piece of dirt. I honestly don't think you could tell that girl that her experiences are as a result of her projecting her negativity onto the people around her. Those things _did_ happen to her - those people treated her like nothing and _they told her they were treating her like nothing because she was fat._ I think some of us fatties have been very seriously battered and bruised and we've got to take into consideration that experiences like that aren't just going to disappear - this person isn't going to magically consider herself beautiful and desirable and date-able after years of abuse and it doesn't matter how often she tells herself she's glorious, the people around her do everything in their power to remind her that they think she isn't. I remember people advising her to move, not to take it to heart, to hold on to her beauty, but how's a 19 year old meant to do that?? I think a lot of what has been said is very valuable and these are steps I try to take in my own life and in my dealing with my relationships but in some situations they might be asking just a little too much.



Yes, it is very, very difficult to feel yourself worthy when everyone around you is treating you like crap. You're just overwhelmed with negativity. How can you fight against all that?


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## calauria (May 7, 2010)

Lamia said:


> It's amazing how much our parents can fuck us up. I'm just glad that we can work on fixing ourselves.



I'm 38, time is almost up and I still have a lot to fix. I've come a long way, but I still feel disconnected from people most of the time. Not sure how to make those connections. That is the biggest thing I struggle with. I've cut myself off for so long to keep myself safe, well, attempt to, I don't know how to reconnect.

I used to not know who I was, but I've come a long way with that. I had to test a lot of things, relocate a lot. I still have somethings I need to find out about myself, but I've accomplished a lot. I think while growing up , I disconnected myself from myself also. I remember feeling like someone hiding in a body, who wasn't really there. I truly believe, though that once I left home and on my own, things would have gotten better, but they actually got worse. I went through even more abuse and I just felt like that that was my only purpose in life was to be abused, to not really have anything. And, the fact when I tried to reach out to make friends, date and trust people it all came out horribly wrong. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. But, now I'm kinda thinking that maybe it is my choices in people, really it's 50/50 of thinking something wrong with me vs my choices in people. I have a hard time NOT believing that the only people who will have anything to do with me are the ones who want to abuse me. So, yeah, I still have a lot of work to do.


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## CastingPearls (May 7, 2010)

calauria said:


> I'm 38, time is almost up and I still have a lot to fix. I've come a long way, but I still feel disconnected from people most of the time. Not sure how to make those connections. That is the biggest thing I struggle with. I've cut myself off for so long to keep myself safe, well, attempt to, I don't know how to reconnect.
> 
> I used to not know who I was, but I've come a long way with that. I had to test a lot of things, relocate a lot. I still have somethings I need to find out about myself, but I've accomplished a lot. I think while growing up , I disconnected myself from myself also. I remember feeling like someone hiding in a body, who wasn't really there. I truly believe, though that once I left home and on my own, things would have gotten better, but they actually got worse. I went through even more abuse and I just felt like that that was my only purpose in life was to be abused, to not really have anything. And, the fact when I tried to reach out to make friends, date and trust people it all came out horribly wrong. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. But, now I'm kinda thinking that maybe it is my choices in people, really it's 50/50 of thinking something wrong with me vs my choices in people. I have a hard time NOT believing that the only people who will have anything to do with me are the ones who want to abuse me. So, yeah, I still have a lot of work to do.


Disconnection. Wow. That rings profoundly in me because while I have a lot of friends, I keep most people (particularly other women) at arms length and I've recently come to see I'm only shooting myself in the foot by doing it. 

Unlike you, Calauria, at 43 I'm thinking I'm still young enough for a fresh start. Yeah, maybe baby steps but it's still a start. It's not too late until you're dead.

A very good friend who I always accepted as reserved and cautious about sharing personal information and never pushed her, confided something to me that's affected her...entire existance and that trust just struck me. 

I've relied on myself for so many years for confidence and esteem and refused to look to others for acceptance or approval (partially in fear of NOT getting it) but in doing so pushed a lot of people away but this one friend's trust showed me that I need to be more open than I have been. I need to let people in. I can't let my fat insulate me from others who can be beneficial to my life and keep me from being of benefit to theirs.


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## Lamia (May 8, 2010)

calauria said:


> I'm 38, time is almost up and I still have a lot to fix. I've come a long way, but I still feel disconnected from people most of the time. Not sure how to make those connections. That is the biggest thing I struggle with. I've cut myself off for so long to keep myself safe, well, attempt to, I don't know how to reconnect.
> 
> I used to not know who I was, but I've come a long way with that. I had to test a lot of things, relocate a lot. I still have somethings I need to find out about myself, but I've accomplished a lot. I think while growing up , I disconnected myself from myself also. I remember feeling like someone hiding in a body, who wasn't really there. I truly believe, though that once I left home and on my own, things would have gotten better, but they actually got worse. I went through even more abuse and I just felt like that that was my only purpose in life was to be abused, to not really have anything. And, the fact when I tried to reach out to make friends, date and trust people it all came out horribly wrong. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. But, now I'm kinda thinking that maybe it is my choices in people, really it's 50/50 of thinking something wrong with me vs my choices in people. I have a hard time NOT believing that the only people who will have anything to do with me are the ones who want to abuse me. So, yeah, I still have a lot of work to do.



I hear ya on feeling disconnected. I've often felt like an alien or that I am just going through the motions of being human. When I was a kid I often found myself watching other people interact to learn behavior. I would go through the motions of social activity, but feel cold or to use your word "disconnected". I've often wondered if I am unbalanced. I can remember many times as a pre-teen/teen that I would be with friends and would be laughing really hard, maybe too hard and in the middle of it be struck with sudden sorrow and despair. I wouldn't let it show, but it would shock me. I couldn't understand where it came from. There was no reason for it to bubble up in that particular moment. 

The last time I can remember that happening was in college. I was sitting with some friends in the student center and we were joking around and having fun. Something happened and we were all laughing and I was laughing really hard and there it was again that emotional punch in the gut. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom I didn't want anyone to know that I was close to breaking down into hysterical crying. I had a panic attack. I felt fear and a sense of loss. 

I haven't allowed myself to laugh that hard again. It's almost like maybe I was in such a manic state that my brain flooded me full of depression to try to balance me. I'm insane in the membrane. :doh:


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## calauria (May 8, 2010)

Thank you for sharing with me ladies. It gave me a new perspective, seeing that as age 38, I can have a new beginning, also. HERE'S TO NEW BEGINNINGS!!!!!:bow:


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## CastingPearls (May 8, 2010)

calauria said:


> Thank you for sharing with me ladies. It gave me a new perspective, seeing that as age 38, I can have a new beginning, also. HERE'S TO NEW BEGINNINGS!!!!!:bow:


Here's to new beginnings and if you want a friend, you have one right here.


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## Tad (May 10, 2010)

My mother-in-law is (or at least was...) a BBW/SSBBW, who frankly got treated like a thing for a good part of her life. At fourteen got pulled out of school and told to find work, so that her brothers could be kept in school. Got married and pregnant at 18, and I'm pretty sure the honeymoon phase was over before the pregnancy was, but she stuck it out as the dutiful housewife and mother for about thirty years, being pretty much totally taken advantage of by her husband. Finally, once all three kids were off on her own and her husband had gotten over being laid off by his long term employer--basically once she made sure everyone else was going to be OK--she separated, got a divorce, and started living life for herself. We've not seen her in several years, and don't have a lot of contact with her in general, because to break a life-long habit of being the door-mat for others she really needed a clean start, but from what we can tell she is finally happy, or at least really at peace with herself. 

So just saying, yes you have time to change things.... although depending on you and your circumstances you might be able to make those changes with lots of little changes, or you might need to make more radical changes.


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## lei (May 12, 2010)

I know just how you felt. 



Lamia said:


> The majority of my life I felt like a thing and not a person. I had no sexuality for a long time. I could probably trace this to a number of incidents, but mostly it's from being fat. As a fat girl when I hit puberty I spent a lot of time standing to the side watching others live. It becomes part of who you are. You're the person who people come over and talk to until their friends show up. You ride the rides by yourself. You're alone. No one ever winks at you. No one asks you out on a date. No one flirts with you.
> 
> I always blamed it on my fat, but I think it's the vibes I gave off. When I felt like a thing I was treated like a thing. Mostly I was afraid. I was afraid someone would wink at me or ask me out. I don't know why this made me afraid.
> 
> ...


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## Oirish (Jul 13, 2010)

Tooz said:


> No one has ever asked me out and I've lived in towns much larger than that in various places around the Northeast. I really struggle with this, too. I've just recently begun embracing sexuality-- maybe in the last three years. I think I'm almost caught up, though.
> 
> In my head, logically, I know I am sexy to some, and I'd say I get overall positive response from guys, but something bars them from asking me out. Some people think I have kids for whatever reason (THE HORROR), or I think I just do not exude ANY sexuality. I am kind of stoic/stern on the surface, which is hard because I guess I come across like this even when I try to be flirty. My goal here at some point is to procure a date sans-internet.



I can't believe this. I'd ask you out in a heartbeat if we weren't basically a continent apart


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