# An FFA Ponzi Scheme: The solution to the #1 BHM Woe?



## MasterShake (Oct 6, 2010)

I've been thinking on this:

We all love FFAs. But we can never tell FFAs apart from non-FFAs in the wild, i.e. real life outside this forum.

What we need is recruiting, active, oh sweet active, recruiting by our resident FFAs. Yet, what's in it for them, other than extra work and more competition? Pondering this further, I realize that what we need is a pyramid or ponzi scheme, in which each FFA is required to enlist at least two more FFAs, but gets rewarded for it.

My first thought: clothing. Wearing a particular item of clothing as to clearly identify as an FFA.

Thinking further, clothing is dumb. Most women like to wear more than one shirt per week, if not day. Same with pants. And shoes. And colors. So I started thinking about Avon ladies and their pink cadillacs. And then it hit me.

We need to buy a standardized car for all FFAs. You see a lady driving one, she could be into you. No ifs, ands, or buts. Unless it's your butt. Because she's into you.

This made me vaguely remember the 80s, and a song about Pink Cadillacs. I think Tina Turner sang it in the Thunderdome, I dunno, these details are not important. I think pink caddys is what those Avon ladies use, so we need something different.

Like a Mini Cooper.

Why a Mini Cooper? Because they actually fit BHMs, and their British, therefore awesome. Do not question me on this.

Why pink? Because it's one of the few colors that'll be immediately noticeable on the open road, and because these are Minis, shouldn't be easily confused with the aforementioned Avon ladies.

To wit: BHMs, we must start a fund. We shall buy a pink Mini Cooper for every FFA who recruits at least two new FFAs. These in turn will get pink Coopers once they recruit two new FFAs each.

I know what you're thinking about, guys: that's a lot of $$$ to pay for a lot of customized British imports.

My answer to that: you will forever know immediately who the FFAs are.

Who's in?


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## CarlaSixx (Oct 6, 2010)

Mini Coopers ftw! :wubu:

I'm so in! I already know 4 FFAs so I'll earn my Cooper yet!


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## Zowie (Oct 6, 2010)

But... what about those who don't drive? 
And what if I don't want every overweight men within the city center chasing me around?!
You need to think on this. Back to the drawing board with you.


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## Sasquatch! (Oct 6, 2010)

Yeah, overweight doesn't necessarily equate to sexy.


It's hard work y'all.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 6, 2010)

I want a pink convertible. A bumper sticker saying anything you like will be affixed to it...so also think of slogans while you're at it.

By the way..it's Mary Kay, not Avon and it doesn't have to be a pink caddy anymore...doesn't even have to be pink for that matter.


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## Paquito (Oct 6, 2010)

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

CarlaSixx said:


> Mini Coopers ftw! :wubu:
> 
> I'm so in! I already know 4 FFAs so I'll earn my Cooper yet!



I think that means he owes you TWO Mini Coopers.  

@ Mastershake - I'm all for Ponzi schemes, in fact I love them, but do the cars REALLY have to be pink?


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## FishCharming (Oct 6, 2010)

how about a hat? or some piece of jewelry? i thought someone mentioned a bracelet in some long ago thread... or better yet we can give all of the FFAs those glowy crystal things over their heads like the sims people have! totally easy to spot them then, although getting through doorways may be problematic...

Edit: I got it! those rubber bracelets, but ones that look like they're made of bacon!!! best idea ever!


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## Zowie (Oct 6, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> how about a hat? or some piece of jewelry? i thought someone mentioned a bracelet in some long ago thread... or better yet we can give all of the FFAs those glowy crystal things over their heads like the sims people have! totally easy to spot them then, although getting through doorways may be problematic...



We could have ribbons like the breastcancer people, or those ugly rubber bracelets like Lance Armstrong... Or a secret whistle!

Like, a duck call, but it'd be for fat men instead.


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## Paquito (Oct 6, 2010)

Matching tattoos or an FFA brothel. Classy, mind you.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

Paquito said:


> Matching tattoos or an FFA brothel. Classy, mind you.



Why does that have to be either/ or?

Actually, I think a tattooed brothel wearing bacon bracelets is pretty much a home run.


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## theronin23 (Oct 6, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> Like, a duck call, but it'd be for fat men instead.



Use the call and it makes a noise that sounds like "BUFFET"


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## Paquito (Oct 6, 2010)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> Why does that have to be either/ or?
> 
> Actually, I think a tattooed brothel wearing bacon bracelets is pretty much a home run.



I'm trying not to be _too_ demanding.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

Paquito said:


> I'm trying not to be _too_ demanding.



Since when?


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## CastingPearls (Oct 6, 2010)

The brothel/tattoo idea would work for me too...also some kinda temple/vestal virgin (not virgins, relax) thing would be cool too cos it would be non-profit, plus it would be centralized and equally classy (togas anyone?) and something about the secks and religion is both naughty and erotic. 

Hey, if you're gonna go big..shoot for the stars, I always say.


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## Zowie (Oct 6, 2010)

Paquito said:


> Matching tattoos or an FFA brothel. Classy, mind you.



I always wanted to be a 'hoe...

_I'd have all the men I've wanted,
So abused that I'd look haunted,
And spend my nights on blow.
I'd live my life on the street
If just to make up ends meet
If I only was a hoe..._


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## Goreki (Oct 6, 2010)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> Why does that have to be either/ or?
> 
> Actually, I think a tattooed brothel wearing bacon bracelets is pretty much a home run.


Now you have me wondering whether it would be possible to construct a bikini from bacon.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> The brothel/tattoo idea would work for me too...also some kinda temple/vestal virgin (not virgins, relax) thing would be cool too cos it would be non-profit, plus it would be centralized and equally classy (togas anyone?) and something about the secks and religion is both naughty and erotic.
> 
> Hey, if you're gonna go big..shoot for the stars, I always say.



I really like this idea, but I have a couple of questions. 

1) If we're all centrally located do we still get the Mini Coopers?
2) Will FFAs no longer have to pay taxes? Or do we have to become our own religion for that? And while we're at it, why aren't we already our own religion?


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## Paquito (Oct 6, 2010)

Goreki said:


> Now you have me wondering whether it would be possible to construct a bikini from bacon.



There's only one way to find out. Include pics.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

Goreki said:


> Now you have me wondering whether it would be possible to construct a bikini from bacon.



No everyone on the board is going to be hoping that you'll try.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 6, 2010)

1) If we're all centrally located do we still get the Mini Coopers?

Duh...we're recruiting so we're missionaries!!!


2) Will FFAs no longer have to pay taxes? Or do we have to become our own religion for that? And while we're at it, why aren't we already our own religion?

We will not have to pay any taxes if we're vestal virgins <see the following> We need to incorporate the religion to get non-profit status. Of course we're naturally awesome and worship the fat male form but it has to be all officially. <jeez you should know this, doc>


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> 1) If we're all centrally located do we still get the Mini Coopers?
> 
> Duh...we're recruiting so we're missionaries!!!
> 
> ...



Sorry, I'm not up on my vestal virgin law.:blush: I'm trying to form my own dystopian government, so I don't know about these spiritual things.  I asked about the cars because I don't entirely trust the BHM once they get us all in one place. And now I'm afraid they're going to make us all wear bacon bikinis.


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## FishCharming (Oct 6, 2010)

The Church of Buddha Christ and the Fatter Day Saints?


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## BigChaz (Oct 6, 2010)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> Sorry, I'm not up on my vestal virgin law.:blush: I'm trying to form my own dystopian government, so I don't know about these spiritual things.  I asked about the cars because I don't entirely trust the BHM once they get us all in one place. And now I'm afraid they're going to make us all wear bacon bikinis.



Screw bacon bikinis. A woman in a side-tie bikini makes me fall to pieces. I vote for side-tie bikinis.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 6, 2010)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> Sorry, I'm not up on my vestal virgin law.:blush: I'm trying to form my own dystopian government, so I don't know about these spiritual things.  I asked about the cars because I don't entirely trust the BHM once they get us all in one place. And now I'm afraid they're going to make us all wear bacon bikinis.


Vestal virgins are sworn to give themselves entirely to the faith (and its followers)--just no outsiders allowed.

I'm not seeing a problem with bacon bikinis as long as mine is applewood smoked.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 6, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Vestal virgins are sworn to give themselves entirely to the faith (and its followers)--just no outsiders allowed.
> 
> I'm not seeing a problem with bacon bikinis as long as mine is applewood smoked.



Just as long as the bacon has reeeeaaally cooled off before I have to wear it. Bacon grease burns are terrible.


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## Goreki (Oct 6, 2010)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> Just as long as the bacon has reeeeaaally cooled off before I have to wear it. Bacon grease burns are terrible.


Dude I know. I am NEVER cooking bacon naked again!


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## BigChaz (Oct 6, 2010)

I singed my belly a bit cooking eggs tonight. 

I forget I have a belly sticking out there sometimes and I leaned over to stir a pot which culminated in me doing "the hot belly dance".


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## charlieversion2 (Oct 7, 2010)

BigChaz said:


> I singed my belly a bit cooking eggs tonight.
> 
> I forget I have a belly sticking out there sometimes and I leaned over to stir a pot which culminated in me doing "the hot belly dance".



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAp8j4c2LGs


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## rabbitislove (Oct 7, 2010)

Tempeh bacon bikini in the hizzouse!


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## CastingPearls (Oct 7, 2010)

I've been giving this some thought <too much probably> but I've been thinking about a scent..an oil..all natural, containing a pheromone that we would all wear and a BHM would instantly know once he sensed it. Also, this would enable us to recognize each other <sisterhood>

And as an added bonus, those FFAs that would want to fatten up their guys could also put in a special additive that would stimulate their appetite.


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## Paquito (Oct 7, 2010)

I'd like to suggest a BMH Mini-Cooper car wash to draw the FFAs out. 

"Oh no, my white t-shirt's all wet. Guess I just gotta take it off... along with my pants..."


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 7, 2010)

Paquito said:


> I'd like to suggest a BMH Mini-Cooper car wash to draw the FFAs out.
> 
> "Oh no, my white t-shirt's all wet. Guess I just gotta take it off... along with my pants..."



If you really want to draw us out skip the shirt and pants to start with. I vote for the BHM all-thong car wash. Just sayin':blush:


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## Paquito (Oct 7, 2010)

Fine, I'll skip the stripping and go straight to the goodies. You're so demanding.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 7, 2010)

Paquito said:


> You're so demanding.



I know. But what do you expect from an admitted egomaniac?

BTW, I think Casting Pearls should obviously found the official FFA think tank. The woman is a genius.:wubu:


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## rabbitislove (Oct 7, 2010)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> If you really want to draw us out skip the shirt and pants to start with. I vote for the BHM all-thong car wash. Just sayin':blush:



Your such a pervert. God I love you. :wubu:


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## LovesBigMen (Oct 7, 2010)

I love you all
freaking mini cooper (not a fan of pink though sooo...yeah)
bacon bikini. :happy:
Our own religio.n  
Just all of this bad memory still
MUCH love to you all wonderful people. :happy:


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## Carl1h (Oct 8, 2010)

Goreki said:


> Now you have me wondering whether it would be possible to construct a bikini from bacon.



I'm pretty sure that I could make a bacon bikini, but I would need a model to experiment on (I can provide the bacon).

Also, I would need Tim Gunn to come in and tell me to "Make it work."


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## WillSpark (Oct 8, 2010)

If Lady Gaga can make a dress out of meat, we can easily make woven bacon bikinis.

Too big when it's made for the smaller-chested FFAs? Cook it. The advantages are of course the shrinkage and the smell will attract more men. Disadvantage? Cooked bacon on your skin.

More advantages? Best sexcapade ever.

"Yeah, screw clasps. I ate her bra right off of her. It was made of bacon."


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## Esther (Oct 8, 2010)

I hate bacon


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## Zowie (Oct 8, 2010)

Esther said:


> I hate bacon



For you, a bikini made of sweet potato fries.  And for Rabbit too, I suppose... 

I want my bikini made of chocolate.


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## Esther (Oct 8, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> For you, a bikini made of sweet potato fries.  And for Rabbit too, I suppose...
> 
> I want my bikini made of chocolate.



I love sweet potatoes  Good idear!


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## WillSpark (Oct 8, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> For you, a bikini made of sweet potato fries.  And for Rabbit too, I suppose...
> 
> I want my bikini made of chocolate.



That'd get melty right quick.


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## LovesBigMen (Oct 8, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> For you, a bikini made of sweet potato fries.  And for Rabbit too, I suppose...
> 
> I want my bikini made of chocolate.



You are a GENIUS YES!!!!! :happy:


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## Goreki (Oct 8, 2010)

WillSpark said:


> That'd get melty right quick.


I for one, don't see a problem with that.


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## FishCharming (Oct 8, 2010)

how about bikinis made of licorice laces? i do love me some licorice laces :eat2:


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## theronin23 (Oct 8, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> how about bikinis made of licorice laces? i do love me some licorice laces :eat2:



Red, or black? Because, y'know, fuck black licorice.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 8, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> how about bikinis made of licorice laces? i do love me some licorice laces :eat2:


They've been around forever. They're called 'Edible Undies' and are made of shoelace licorice and fruit roll-ups.


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## FishCharming (Oct 8, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> They've been around forever. They're called 'Edible Undies' and are made of shoelace licorice and fruit roll-ups.



see, now i'm not a fan of the fruit rollup... 

and red licorice of course!


i got it, ladies, just wear candy necklaces and ringpops or any other candy jewelery!


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## theronin23 (Oct 8, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> i got it, ladies, just wear candy necklaces and ringpops or any other candy jewelery!




Speaking of candy necklaces


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## Melian (Oct 8, 2010)

theronin23 said:


> Speaking of candy necklaces



I owned one of those, once!


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## CastingPearls (Oct 8, 2010)

Melian said:


> I owned one of those, once!


It looks like it might pinch....


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## Melian (Oct 8, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> It looks like it might pinch....



When someone is biting it, yeah, but otherwise no.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 8, 2010)

Melian said:


> When someone is biting it, yeah, but otherwise no.


I would wear it in theory but in practice I would eat it before I could put it on....


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## theronin23 (Oct 8, 2010)

Melian said:


> I owned one of those, once!



FUUUUCK. I can't give you "Holy fucking HOT" rep.


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## FishCharming (Oct 9, 2010)

ladies and gentleman, i give you our solution: http://www.etsy.com/listing/21290506/bacon-bracelet


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## Ninja Glutton (Oct 11, 2010)

Melian said:


> I owned one of those, once!



step 1: buy another one
step 2: take pictures
step 3: send it to me via FedEx overnight mail


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## Melian (Oct 12, 2010)

Ninja Glutton said:


> step 1: buy another one
> step 2: take pictures
> step 3: send it to me via FedEx overnight mail



And you'll be all OM NOM NOM, like a Japanese man at a used-panty dispenser?

They used to sell them at a sex store near my work, a while ago...maybe some still exist.


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