# Not sure what I’m doing wrong



## Mainegal (Mar 17, 2019)

good morning everyone,
I’m looking for some advice-
I’m an ffa - I have a smaller build than the ssbhms/ssbbws I’m very attracted to. 

I have met a few- ssbhms mostly- on the usual sites. Things go ok for a few days as they initiate communication- kik or even Skype- then as we start to get to know one another and we move from “fat chat” to more, I get ghosted.

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong- I hope I am a kind person and am very accepting and truly am trying my best, but after being “dumped” so often, I realize I must be the one driving folks away.

Any thoughts???

Thank you!!!!


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Mar 17, 2019)

Hi, Maine-

As a real-live fatty, not a SSBHM, and one who is interested in having actual relationships rather than furtive on-line encounters and have mostly succeeded as of today, St. Patty's Day, I will say -

What have you done over 50 years that's worked? Do more of it!
What haven't you done that might work if you tried it? Do that!
What definitely didn't work? Do less of that, or none!

How badly do you want it? Do something to distract yourself so you're not needy, and living a rockin', interesting, varied life that people will want to be a part of and if they come in, fine, if they go, bye-bye!

There are 3.5 billion men on the planet and a lot of them are fat fat fat, omg your belly is HUGE and would you like to try one of my bras? And wow, those love handles are like melons...

Er, sorry, got carried away.

But y'see the point. Don't blame yourself, don't try so hard, relax, enjoy, feel the pain when they go and the excitement when another one comes rolling down the pike on his fat belly. 

Try, try again...


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## Shh! Don’t tell! (Mar 17, 2019)

LarryTheNoodleGuy said:


> Hi, Maine-
> 
> As a real-live fatty, not a SSBHM, and one who is interested in having actual relationships rather than furtive on-line encounters



I think this is really the meat of the problem Mainegal is experiencing. Often people in the online feedist community are looking to get off, not for romance. (I know this isn’t always the case, but it often is.) This isn’t a bad thing, there’s nothing wrong with getting your rocks off, but if you’re looking for something more serious in places where people are mostly looking for masturbation material you’re probably going to be disappointed.


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## Frogman (Mar 17, 2019)

(I’m the last person who should be giving relationship advice, but):
Maybe the people you’ve spoken with get uncomfortable or even a bit scared when they realize you’re looking for something deeper. If your basic intentions are unknown to them in the beginning, a pivot from “casual” to “more serious” might put some guys off... but this does NOT mean there’s anything wrong with you.

My 2 cents.


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## Saxphon (Mar 17, 2019)

Probably something you are doing already, so I'll just be preaching to the choir, here. Whatever you choose to do, remember to just be yourself. Yeah, there might be a few people try to come into your life, then suddenly leave. But if you stay true to whom you are, when that right person does comes along, everything will click and fall into place.


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## Starling (Mar 17, 2019)

It sounds like online flirting in general, to be honest. You’d find the same thing on Tinder or Match.com or JDate. Which is to say, you probably aren’t doing anything “wrong”, it’s just the nature of the beast. A niche hookup site is still a hookup site, with all the pitfalls that entails.


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## Mainegal (Mar 17, 2019)

Thank you all for ur wonderful, generous, very appreciated thoughts!


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## fatluvinguy (Mar 17, 2019)

Since serious FFA 's are in pretty short supply I'd think you'd be very much in demand. Although as said before ghosting seems to be a regular feature of most websites like this. Since I obviously have no idea what your conversations are like it's impossible to say whether it's you or them. I would think there would be a fair number of BHM's who would be thrilled to meet someone like you. Hang in there and be patient. If nothing else at least you're separating the wheat from the chafe.


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## DragonFly (Mar 18, 2019)

Just want to say that this thread is awesome! It is great to see the other side ( BHM) on the horrible practice of ghosting. In my expierence I have found that if I set the boundary of no sexy time chatting, no fantasy chatting, they ghost quick. It definitely separates out the ones looking for instant gratification.


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## Mainegal (Mar 18, 2019)

DragonFly said:


> Just want to say that this thread is awesome! It is great to see the other side ( BHM) on the horrible practice of ghosting. In my expierence I have found that if I set the boundary of no sexy time chatting, no fantasy chatting, they ghost quick. It definitely separates out the ones looking for instant gratification.



Thank u dragonfly!!!!


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## BigElectricKat (Mar 18, 2019)

Echoing what others have said, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. The law of averages supposes "most future events are likely to balance any past deviation from a presumed average". Basically meaning you'll find the right one after you've weeded out all the wrong ones.

One great thing I think you are doing is NOT changing who you are in order to get that "right" person. There is nothing worse, in my opinion, that having to change ones self in order for others to accept us. Be who you are and keep doing "you". I believe that sincerity will get you as far as you wish to go in life. 

Also, we have to concede that perhaps many of these guys are not really who or what they say they are (What? Dishonesty on the internet? Perish the thought). By that I mean, maybe a few of them present a persona that is a lot more brash or outgoing than they actually are. And when the thought of having to "put up or shut up" comes into play, many would prefer to ghost you than for you to find out they are just bs-ing you for whatever reason. It's like going to the produce isle in the supermarket: You don't just pick up the first apple (BEK loves apples) in the bin, you sort through and only grab the ones that pass your eye test.

Wishing you the best of luck!


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## Mainegal (Mar 18, 2019)

Thank u!! Yes, I agree- I crossed that 4th wall (as we say in tv land) and asked real “get to know u” questions and that’s when this alleged 400 lb man went poof into “thin” air- 

I appreciate ur thoughts and insight!!!


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## BigElectricKat (Mar 18, 2019)

Mainegal said:


> Thank u!! Yes, I agree- I crossed that 4th wall (as we say in tv land) and asked real “get to know u” questions and that’s when this alleged 400 lb man went poof into “thin” air-
> 
> I appreciate ur thoughts and insight!!!


See, that's something I don't get. If someone is truly seeking friendship/companionship, I don't think they'd just go poof on you. 

Anyway, visit the Kittery Trading Post. Love that place.


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## LizzieJones (Mar 18, 2019)

BigElectricKat said:


> If someone is truly seeking friendship/companionship, I don't think they'd just go poof on you.



In my experience ( with the exception of one ex) they don't.


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## Tad (Mar 18, 2019)

It does sound like you might be encountering a lot of 'fanta-sizers' who like to get off by pretending to be really fat? :-(

I don't think that they are really a big part of the population, but since they can only make the most shallow connections while pretending, they will bounce around a lot while looking for playmates who will take them at their word and not poke beyond the fat chat. Which means you'll encounter them well out of proportion to their actual numbers :-/


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## Mainegal (Mar 18, 2019)

BigElectricKat said:


> See, that's something I don't get. If someone is truly seeking friendship/companionship, I don't think they'd just go poof on you.
> 
> Anyway, visit the Kittery Trading Post. Love that place.



I will- it is a great place. We live just up the road from ll bean


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## Ffancy (Mar 19, 2019)

Honestly I’ve had much better luck on regular dating sites, by messaging fat guys whose profiles are interesting to me. This drastically ups the odds that they are single, local and interested in a real connection. It does make finding a feedee or gainer more difficult, but lots of fat guys are foodies, at least. If you’re ok with putting erotic fat chat on the back burner, I recommend this as a way to find a fat man to appreciate enthusiastically.


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## Mainegal (Mar 19, 2019)

Ffancy said:


> Honestly I’ve had much better luck on regular dating sites, by messaging fat guys whose profiles are interesting to me. This drastically ups the odds that they are single, local and interested in a real connection. It does make finding a feedee or gainer more difficult, but lots of fat guys are foodies, at least. If you’re ok with putting erotic fat chat on the back burner, I recommend this as a way to find a fat man to appreciate enthusiastically.




Thank you!!!


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## BouncingBoy (Mar 21, 2019)

I don't know what you have on your profiles but my suggestion is 1st off be yourself.Let it be known in your profile that what you are mainly looking for is something that could possibly become more than just fantasy.Friendships are nice too but you might get less ducking out when things move from just fat chat.Best of luck to you.


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## Mainegal (Mar 21, 2019)

Thank you!!!!! I learned my lesson again- was looking forward to meeting someone but they don’t feel comfortable sharing their ID- it’s sad how our world is today, but I can add the layer of safety first to my “criteria”- transparency up front- not wait until after committing to plans. My bad! We live and we learn!


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## Mainegal (Mar 21, 2019)

It’s completely my fault


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## BigElectricKat (Mar 21, 2019)

Mainegal said:


> It’s completely my fault


I wouldn't say that. Look, you are attractive and obviously outgoing. You also don't want to mess around with folks who have no intention on building a lasting friendship/maybe more. There's nothing wrong with asking for transparency and honesty from the get go. Weeds out the fakers, takers, and heart breakers.


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## Mainegal (Mar 21, 2019)

Thank u- You’re very sweet- kittery trading post, bek! But I’m a lot to take!

I really really appreciate ur feedback!!!


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## Mainegal (Mar 21, 2019)

I’m going to go full on RVGleason and watch the monkees and then the real Mary poppins with the only skinny man I’ve ever loved- dick van dyke!


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## BigElectricKat (Mar 21, 2019)

Mainegal said:


> Thank u- You’re very sweet- kittery trading post, bek! But I’m a lot to take!
> 
> I really really appreciate ur feedback!!!


Not a problem. Hell, we're all a lot to take. certainly there have to be people out there that are not only willing and able but also desirous of what each of brings to the table. I have no doubt that you'll find a few guys who are open, honest and worth your time.


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## Mainegal (Mar 21, 2019)

You’re always welcome at my table, bek. Thanks!


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## BigElectricKat (Mar 21, 2019)

Mainegal said:


> Thank u- You’re very sweet- kittery trading post, bek! But I’m a lot to take!
> 
> I really really appreciate ur feedback!!!


Yeah, my ex in-laws used to live up in Rochester, NH. We stayed in Portsmouth for a couple nights and ventured over to KTP! It was so unique (at least in my book).


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## RVGleason (Mar 21, 2019)

Mainegal said:


> I’m going to go full on RVGleason and watch the monkees and then the real Mary poppins with the only skinny man I’ve ever loved- dick van dyke!



Don’t give up, you’ll find a nice guy. Enjoy your life and things will fall into place. You’re a nice person and I’m sure you’ll find someone.


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## RJI (Apr 1, 2019)

Ffancy said:


> Honestly I’ve had much better luck on regular dating sites, by messaging fat guys whose profiles are interesting to me. This drastically ups the odds that they are single, local and interested in a real connection. It does make finding a feedee or gainer more difficult, but lots of fat guys are foodies, at least. If you’re ok with putting erotic fat chat on the back burner, I recommend this as a way to find a fat man to appreciate enthusiastically.



This is good advice! 
Many of my larger friends aren't used to getting attention from women. If they feel that the only reason you are talking to them is a fetish, you will most likely scare them off. 
Go the traditional dating route and build a relationship if possible and just admire them while slowly letting on about your preferences.


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## Mainegal (Apr 1, 2019)

Thank you, RJI!


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## Tank (Sep 9, 2020)

Mainegal said:


> good morning everyone,
> I’m looking for some advice-
> I’m an ffa - I have a smaller build than the ssbhms/ssbbws I’m very attracted to.
> 
> ...


Too bad you're not a little closer to me. I'm in southern NH


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## Colonial Warrior (Sep 11, 2020)

Perhaps you are not doing wrong.

By my experience, I can assure you that it will be the best they would be ghosting you after a few days instead of lying to you or using you for other purposes.

As fast as people who are not interested in a relationship with you ignore you, your chances of knowing someone who is interested in you increase. 

Just keep moving and learning from your past mistakes and someday your SSBHM Romeo will appear!


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## ICEMANSS00 (Sep 11, 2020)

It is not your fault, they are just not THE ONE for you. 
Keep pressing toward your mark and your better half will be there for you on all levels very soon. NEVER GIVE IN or GIVE UP!!!


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