# Is coming out to your partner a must?



## StarWitness (Dec 29, 2009)

Taking sex play that directly involves fatness out of the equation: how important do you think it is to tell your the fat person you're having sex with that you identify as a fat admirer? If someone accepts that you are attracted to his or her body, does that sentiment need to be explained or made specific?


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## Dr. Feelgood (Dec 29, 2009)

I'd say it's about as important as informing the woman I'm having sex with that I'm heterosexual.* As my momma used to say, "Actions speak louder than words."


*I never told ANY of them, but somehow they all figured it out.


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## olwen (Dec 29, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> Taking sex play that directly involves fatness out of the equation: how important do you think it is to tell your the fat person you're having sex with that you identify as a fat admirer? If someone accepts that you are attracted to his or her body, does that sentiment need to be explained or made specific?



I think actions speak louder than words. If they see you noticing other fat people and if they've asked you if you have had fat partners in the past then they should already get that your attraction to them is genuine and that should be the end of that. In general if you show you are genuine then you might not need to have a conversation at all.


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## disconnectedsmile (Dec 29, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> how important do you think it is to tell your the fat person you're having sex with that you identify as a fat admirer?


all the sexual partners i've had in my life have been romantic partners, as well.
this said, i've always made sure that i am identified as a fat admirer, because i believe in being honest about who i am.

and fat admirer is a very, _*very*_ major part of who i am.


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## Melian (Dec 29, 2009)

disconnectedsmile said:


> and fat admirer is a very, _*very*_ major part of who i am.



Same here - I feel the need to tell them. Also, I tend to get a lot of weird questions/reactions if I don't blatantly spell out what I like to a partner.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 29, 2009)

I don't think it's always a necessary thing per what Olwen said.
In the past I would just mention in itself when I was asked more often than simply just letting it out.


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## speakeasy (Dec 29, 2009)

I kind of went on a tangent about this in a different thread, and I expressed my fear that not talking about my FA-ness would be like lying by ommission. I guess I concluded that, like Olwen said, if the person you're with accepts that your'e attracted to them, it's not necessary.


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## speakeasy (Dec 29, 2009)

disconnectedsmile said:


> all the sexual partners i've had in my life have been romantic partners, as well.
> this said, i've always made sure that i am identified as a fat admirer, because i believe in being honest about who i am.
> 
> and fat admirer is a very, _*very*_ major part of who i am.



Out of curiosity, what's your experience been like with telling people you've been with that you're a fat admirer? Was it like, "yeah, I figured as much," or was it more like, "well, hot damn, why didn't you say so?"


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## RJI (Dec 29, 2009)

Coming from a male POV i don't think most men would care if you told them or not as long as they are getting attention. 
I would assume a female that is with an FA might want to know so she doesn't feel like a piece of meat when some guy is squeezing and biting her fatness and clearly getting turned on by it.


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## olwen (Dec 29, 2009)

Jon Blaze said:


> I don't think it's always a necessary thing per what Olwen said.
> In the past I would just mention in itself when I was asked more often than simply just letting it out.



Wait, what?


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 29, 2009)

olwen said:


> Wait, what?



Action speak louder than words. In saying that, I mentioned that if others asked me I would always say yes. Occasionally I will bring it up if the conversation I am in moves towards it, but I feel no need to make it that big of a deal generally.


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## disconnectedsmile (Dec 29, 2009)

speakeasy said:


> Out of curiosity, what's your experience been like with telling people you've been with that you're a fat admirer? Was it like, "yeah, I figured as much," or was it more like, "well, hot damn, why didn't you say so?"


Good question.
Most girls I’ve been with have had a reaction of disbelief upon learning I was an FA.
Some had difficulty believing that anyone could find them attractive. I’ve had one girl flat out tell me I was abnormal for being attracted to fat girls. I’ve had one cease communication with me because she just refused to believe that I found her attractive. 
Other than a few exceptions, I’ve gotten responses of acceptance &#8211; in some cases immediate, in other cases eventually. It was more of a “well, the fact that you like fat girls is really to my benefit!”



speakeasy said:


> I kind of went on a tangent about this in a different thread, and I expressed my fear that _not talking about my FA-ness would be like lying by ommission._


I very much feel this way.
I mean, as I said above, being an FA is just a part of who I am. And I often feel that if I'm not up front about it, not only am I lying to the girl, but I'm lying to myself as well.


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## StarWitness (Dec 29, 2009)

RJI said:


> I would assume a female that is with an FA might want to know so she doesn't feel like a piece of meat when some guy is squeezing and biting her fatness and clearly getting turned on by it.



I dunno about that. I'm a fat girl as well as a fat admirer, so it's an issue I have to look at from both sides. I've been with guys who have told me that they found my body to be beautiful, but never with a guy who told me that he specifically found fatness to be an attractive trait. So I can't speak from personal experience, but I think my reaction would be mixed. On one hand, it would be a comfort to know that my size isn't something that is merely being tolerated, or something that can be overlooked in favor of other attributes. But on the other hand, I think I would be skeptical about if he was interested in me, or just in my fat bits. 

And I realize that sounds a bit silly, considering that the fat guys I've slept with have been attractive to me as whole people, not just fat bits, but that's sort of why I'm hesitant to be open about my chubby chasing ways. I don't want to introduce that skepticism that I personally am inclined to feel.


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## olwen (Dec 29, 2009)

Jon Blaze said:


> Action speak louder than words. In saying that, I mentioned that if others asked me I would always say yes. Occasionally I will bring it up if the conversation I am in moves towards it, but I feel no need to make it that big of a deal generally.



:doh: Oh I get it now, you were agreeing with me. Well alright.


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## bmann0413 (Dec 31, 2009)

But by not telling them, aren't you being unfaithful? You're not supposed to keep any secrets from your SO, from what I heard.


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## StarWitness (Dec 31, 2009)

bmann0413 said:


> But by not telling them, aren't you being unfaithful? You're not supposed to keep any secrets from your SO, from what I heard.



I think looking at it as being unfaithful is going a bit far. 

If you communicate to your partner that you find him/her attractive, and s/he believes you, I'm not sure that it is necessary to let him/her know that it's because of a pattern of being attracted to fat people.


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## LovelyLiz (Dec 31, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> I think looking at it as being unfaithful is going a bit far.
> 
> If you communicate to your partner that you find him/her attractive, and s/he believes you, I'm not sure that it is necessary to let him/her know that it's because of a pattern of being attracted to fat people.



Exactly. And, is it necessary then to communicate to your partner every single trait s/he possesses that falls in line with what you usually find attractive? Like, do you have to say, I am a wit admirer, or a redhead admirer, or an intelligence admirer, or a compassion admirer? It seems like these are just things s/he'll notice as you spend time together, and when you respond positively to certain physical/non-physical traits that s/he has.

Or am I missing something?


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## Weirdo890 (Dec 31, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> Taking sex play that directly involves fatness out of the equation: how important do you think it is to tell your the fat person you're having sex with that you identify as a fat admirer? If someone accepts that you are attracted to his or her body, does that sentiment need to be explained or made specific?



I've never been in a relationship, but I would think it would be very important. Honesty is always a must in a relationship. Even *I* know that.


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## musicman (Jan 1, 2010)

To answer the original question, you need to ask yourself two other questions. The first is this: Is being an FA an important part of who you are? In my own case, being an FA is a core part of me, and it always has been. From an early age, I always had a strong attraction to the very fattest girls in school. Looking back on my romantic relationships, they were all strongly influenced by my being an FA, whether or not I realized it at the time. But your case may be different.

The other question is this: Do you think it's important that your partner know who you are? In other words, are you just looking for some short-term fun (nothing wrong with that), or are you open to a long-term relationship if you find no major incompatibilities? In my case, I always dated with an eye towards an LTR (it worked, too; I have a great wife). Hence, I tended to be very open with my partners, because I wanted to learn about incompatibilities as soon as possible, so we could both move on if it looked like it wasn't going anywhere. But again, this depends on what you are looking for.

Here's another question that encapsulates both of the above: What would you do in the following scenario? You're dating a fat person, and things are going great but you haven't told them you're an FA. Then one day, they say, "Did you know there are people who are only sexually attracted to fat partners? Isn't that disgusting? I've heard they are called 'fat admirers'. I wouldn't want to be involved with one of those sickos." You talk about it for a while (still revealing nothing about yourself), and you find that your partner is very adamant about disliking FAs. What would you do? Would you consider this an incompatibility, or would you deny your nature, in order to stay with them? I think that might answer your original question.


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## SocialbFly (Jan 1, 2010)

The most important person that needs to know the preference is the person themselves...some self acceptance on the subject..and then, they need to be out of the closet, nothing to me, speaks disrespect of your partner louder, than being in the closet about who/what you like...then last but not least, showing the person you are with that you care for them AND their fat, or for some of us Their FAT and them as well.


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## StarWitness (Jan 1, 2010)

Weirdo890 said:


> I've never been in a relationship, but I would think it would be very important. Honesty is always a must in a relationship. Even *I* know that.



Obviously. Anyone who's seen a ten-second clip of Dr. Phil knows that. But what I'm suggesting is that there are a lot of grey areas in terms of what the truth is, and also the consideration of the effects of telling the truth, which require us to filter ourselves at times.


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## StarWitness (Jan 1, 2010)

musicman said:


> Here's another question that encapsulates both of the above: What would you do in the following scenario? You're dating a fat person, and things are going great but you haven't told them you're an FA. Then one day, they say, "Did you know there are people who are only sexually attracted to fat partners? Isn't that disgusting? I've heard they are called 'fat admirers'. I wouldn't want to be involved with one of those sickos." You talk about it for a while (still revealing nothing about yourself), and you find that your partner is very adamant about disliking FAs. What would you do? Would you consider this an incompatibility, or would you deny your nature, in order to stay with them? I think that might answer your original question.



Given that scenario? I would feel the need to come out to them. I'm not going to lie to someone about who I am, or what I need, and I'm certainly not going to trick them into a relationship with the kind of person they find repugnant. If the subject of fat admiration didn't come up though, I'm not sure I would pursue it.


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 2, 2010)

StarWitness said:


> Obviously. Anyone who's seen a ten-second clip of Dr. Phil knows that. But what I'm suggesting is that there are a lot of grey areas in terms of what the truth is, and also the consideration of the effects of telling the truth, which require us to filter ourselves at times.



This was pretty much going to be my answer. I don't think it's necessary, or even always positive to tell everything about oneself in every single situation. It's important to think about the other person too and how s/he might receive such information. We're all entitled to privacy. Additionally, I think this is sort of like the notion of whether or not you should 'confess' to cheating if you've done it. i've seen advice columns say you should not confess because doing so only makes *you* feel better but hurts your partner.

I think it's enough to say "I'm turned on by you" without going into specifics. If the other person asks, I think you should answer the questions as truthfully as you think will make them comfortable. I think at some point it becomes arrogant to assume that a BHM who hates being fat is going to change his mind if i tell him enough "Oh it's really hot". Sure in some cases it might make him feel good about himself or he might have that "Wow. Some women are actually aroused by this" but if he hates being fat or gained weight as adult after being thinner or gained weight due to depression or something, it's probably not going to be helpful or positive to hear me expounding over how much fat men turn me on.


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## MrRabbit (Jan 3, 2010)

I think there are different ways of coming out. 

I would prefer a partner to whom I could be open about my preference and who accepts it. Someone who doesn't find it strange that I love soft curves and like to touch them. 

But if she is still in that "fat is ugly and I don't understand how anyone could like fat person like me" stage, I will be more hesitant to touch them. I will definitely tell her and try to explain that I like big women, that I like those soft curves, but as long as she is very much aware of her fatness in a negative way and is not ready for it, I will not touch them as much as I would like to.


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## name2come (Jan 4, 2010)

You owe it to yourself to be open about your preference with any partner. Yeah, actions should back up your words, but communication is a good thing and you'll be doing yourself a favor if you seek out relationships with people interested in partners who are attracted to them. Not everyone is, so for your own sake, being direct is just a smart approach.


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## mergirl (Jan 4, 2010)

I think generally my preferences are obvious within the space of a first conversation; The question that goes "Oh..so what famous people do you think are hot?" sort of gives it away. I say Dawn French, Beth Ditto, Alison Moyette, Queen Latifah ...
yeah..cause i have a thing for singers and actresses! 
I think if one of the first things you say to someone is "I like fat people" ..it could come across as kind of creepy, as would "I like blondes" or "I like black people" or "I like people with a beauty spot on thier head". 
I think in general people want others to be attracted to them for more than an aspect of their physical selves. There is no problem there, because i don't just find people attractive because they are fat, so there will be a whole host of other things to talk about ..interests etc. I think eventually, once you know someone a bit more and have a better grounding of what other things you have in common or interests you share, stating facts such as "I love your curves", "i think your hair is so beautiful", "you have the most beautiful skin" etc etc.. can only be seen as a compliment because it will be backed up with genuine feelings for the actual person. 
Though, i think once you are in bed (on the washing machine ..whatever) with someone, they will understand that you are attracted to them. 
I always found 'coming out' so forced and awkward, whereas discussion and conversation is more natural. I'm not sure i would 'come out' as a 'Fat admirer' because i don't personally identify with that term, though i would make sure my partner knew i had a preference for big women. One big woman in particular.


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 4, 2010)

I think mergirl's approach makes sense. 

I wonder about "forced" outings though. 

(Warning: Very explicit) Like what if a partner had a particular body part s/he hated and it was something you loved. How would you deal with that? Like I was once in a situation where I was going to go down on a BHM and obviously had to lift/move his belly out of the way in order to unzip his pants. The fact of having to do that and of his size was obviously something I enjoyed. It didn't happen, but I thought about what would have happened if he got embarassed by that? Or if he said something like "Oh Jesus...I'm sorry about my huge beer gut getting in the way." Or even if he was upset at realizing a woman had to manuever his fat in order to unzip his pants and the thought upset him and he lost his erection.

In a case like that, I might feel deceptive saying "oh it's ok" or "it's not a big deal" because the truth was I got really turned on by it. So if I actually said "No it makes it hot for me to have to do that" I wonder if it would just make trouble or make him think I was weird or creepy or just be a turnoff for him. We've all heard how some fat people can call FAs sick or crazy or not believe they're turned on by fatties, so I'm wondering how a forced outing would go.

Also as far as just coming out and saying it, I wonder how many fat people have had experiences of "knowing" somebody was an FA or FFA pretty quickly. I'm thinking it would have to be somebody probably a bit older or with more experiene to recognize the signs, but I wonder if it's that uncommon. Like i know i'm prone to stare at guys' guts, so I wonder if it would ever happen that somebody would say "Yeah, I could tell".


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## Tad (Jan 4, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I'd say it's about as important as informing the woman I'm having sex with that I'm heterosexual.* As my momma used to say, "Actions speak louder than words."
> 
> 
> *I never told ANY of them, but somehow they all figured it out.



I agree with this.....BUT I think that sometimes you may need to be more explicit, depending on how secure your partner is with their body. In some cases I think reassurances that not only do you find them beautiful and sexy in the abstract, but that you like specific body parts X, Y, and Z just the chubby way they are may be appropriate.


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## The Fez (Jan 4, 2010)

If I'm comfortable in the relationship as it is in any regard to being an fa (so my meets met, or satisfied as to it's close to what I'm aesthetically after), then it's not hugely important to come out about it.


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