# Your reaction to FAs



## PeanutButterfly (Feb 28, 2011)

I've been rewatching Drop Dead Diva for some time now on netflix (if anyone here hasn't seen it, you totally should. Brooke Elliot is great) and an episode got me thinking. Jane (Brooke Elliot) is a size 16 lawyer who meets a love interest in court. Her mom makes a comment about men who "prefer full figured women" and how great it is to find someone like that. Jane is stunned and obviously disturbed by a guy who would find her attractive at the size she is, despite the fact that the show emphasizes a size acceptance attitude, dealing with issues like stores not selling dresses in more than a size 10. As a member of this community, this seems like a contradiction to me.

My question is this: why are some women so disturbed by the idea of a guy finding them beautiful at an above average size? Is it because of the fetish angle? Is it because they want to change? I'm assuming the writers of the show didn't intend that one for Jane because she spends much of the show proving that at a size 16 she's successful, beautiful, and smart. 

I've seen this happen in real life too. One of my great friends has a boyfriend who I'd bet money on that he's an FA. Yet when I tried to open her up to the community because she's always putting herself down about her size she acted similarly to Jane. She was obviously upset and disturbed by the idea of her boyfriend liking her body at a size 14. I just never understood why she would want to be with a guy who wished she was a size 2. 

As a disclaimer I can't relate to this concept because I am also an FA and have been frequenting Dims since I was about 12. And I prefer to date FAs. Obviously some guys are bisizual but most I've encountered do have a preference. If I knew my boyfriend only like African American women I would feel inadequate knowing I'm not his preference. I'm just curious why other BBWs would want to be with a guy they knew wished they were thinner.


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## bonified (Mar 1, 2011)

I was with someone for many years that met me initially at a size 16, I'm nearly six foot and was very fit then so for me a 16 wasn't overweight or large at all, just average big. Over the course of our relationship i put on a massive amt of weight and lost fitness and it wasn't until I woke up & made changes, that I realised he was an FA. Subsequently made lifestyle changes & he was a part that didn't continue on my journey. I didn't even know of this whole realm until not so long ago and the full on 'ness of it all til I came to this site. 

I don't know if it is as you mentioned "because I want change" or not. I'm totally accepting of my body now as it works for me. I would like to be fitter yes, and I will be soon, but I still don't fully grasp the turn on factor of reduced health with weight etc. 

If you mean beautiful as in "doable" then that is entirely diff. As an animal, sometimes a mans wrists will make me want to hump his face. 

For me, if i was to invest emotionally in someone that didn't appreciate their health and longevity, then it would be questionable at the very least & i'd be querying their mental soundness or lack thereof and I know that is offensive to some and apologies, but it is how I feel. And I would actually like to understand more.


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## Tracyarts (Mar 1, 2011)

" My question is this: why are some women so disturbed by the idea of a guy finding them beautiful at an above average size? Is it because of the fetish angle? Is it because they want to change? "

In my personal experience, it's not been about "above average size" but about the fat. I have met very few men who would find me equally attractive at a size 14 as a size 34, and those are the ones I have chosen to involve myself with over the years. I have been at both ends of the size spectrum and all sizes inbetween. The level of attention and validation from men who openly claim to prefer women who are "above average size" rose in direct proportion to my dress size. If it were all about "above average size" then I would not have been called unattractive, and told to gain weight by men when I was a size 24 and was first introduced into the size acceptance community.

IMHO, with so many of these guys it's all about the precious, precious poundage, and has zero to do with women who are "above average size". Fat is good, fatter is better, fattest is best. Most of the ones I have encountered are over the moon when you go from fat to fatter to fattest. But if you decide to go from fattest to fatter to fat, then they have a problem. 

If it were all about "above average size" then I'd be fine with it. But for the most part I have found that it is all about the fat. And that's just not what I am interested in getting involved with.

Tracy


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## butch (Mar 1, 2011)

FWIW, my FA partner and I both believe that one can be fat and healthy, so I don't think one can link FA-ness for a desire for ill-health. Perhaps you can do that with some FAs, but not all.

As a fat person, my body is different, and every part of it craves physical attention from a partner. I like a partner that is into every nook and cranny of my body, and I find that non FAs aren't as attentive to the particular parts of my body that are fat.

For example, the skin underneath my belly is very sensitive, and as part of foreplay, it really turns me on when my partner attends to that part of my body. Folks who aren't so into my fat belly get no desire from touching that area, and since a big part of me being turned on is knowing my partner is turned on, I'd rather be touched by an FA than a non-FA who might not ever learn to find my belly a huge turn-on.

In the end, though, it isn't about labels, its about loving someone inside and out, and of course both FAs and non-FAs can do that. However, too often I see people make the assumption that non-FAs are better at loving the whole person than FAs are, and I find that to be a probelmatic assumption, to say the least.


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## Ruffie (Mar 1, 2011)

For me it was about growing up in a city that didn't have an abundance of guys that were openly into fat women. In fact I met a total of three FA's in my community before I got married. Most of the time when a guy hit on me it was to make a joke at my expense or because they thought I was desperate and easy. So my walls went up to protect myself, and therefore kept anyone who might have had some interest at bay. I had no idea that I was doing this till I was bemoaning the fact that guys had no interest in me other than as the buddy to a group of guy friends. They told me that they would see guys interested in me and they would start to come over but that the look I would give them, the body language, hell yes the whole vibe would shut them down. After I found my husband, married and had my kids I got involved in NAAFA. I did national publicity for them and got many compliments from men and also spoke to many FA's about their preference. I too tended to find that some guys truly appreciated the full figure and that was the base of their attraction to a woman but they also wanted similar values, interests and someone that would grow with them throughout life. However there were also those who had the restrictions that a woman could not be below a certain size, were feeders and wouldn't date a woman that wasn't into that, or ones that wanted to show as many women as possible the "love big women deserve" IF a woman encountered FA's with these restrictions and selfish desires, they may not be as open to trusting future FA's that come their way. We are sold the bill of goods that we aren't attractive at size 12. 22.or 32 everyday all day long in the media and society as a whole. It takes a woman time to find and celebrate the beauty within to embrace the outer package and then and only then can they embrace someone that loves the body as well as their spirit.


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## Emma (Mar 1, 2011)

I think it is because of self hate. If someone loves part of you that you hate with a passion then they are going to seem rather freakish and weird. I think a lot of larger women have a hard time getting their heads around the fact that some men do like fat women. They usually approach these men with suspicion because the concept feels so alien to them.


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 1, 2011)

CurvyEm said:


> I think it is because of self hate. If someone loves part of you that you hate with a passion then they are going to seem rather freakish and weird. I think a lot of larger women have a hard time getting their heads around the fact that some men do like fat women. They usually approach these men with suspicion because the concept feels so alien to them.


 
Maybe sometimes.

I don't hate my body with a passion, or myself, but I would react with a level of ... mistrust? distaste? ... towards someone whom fetishized me. Being attracted to an aspect of someone's body (breasts, ass, fat, etc) is very different, for me, than NEEDING and FIXATING on that one component. Then, to me, it feels as if *I* am an unnecessary sidebar. Does that make sense?


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## penguin (Mar 1, 2011)

TraciJo67 said:


> Maybe sometimes.
> 
> I don't hate my body with a passion, or myself, but I would react with a level of ... mistrust? distaste? ... towards someone whom fetishized me. Being attracted to an aspect of someone's body (breasts, ass, fat, etc) is very different, for me, than NEEDING and FIXATING on that one component. Then, to me, it feels as if *I* am an unnecessary sidebar. Does that make sense?



I've reacted with mistrust to some guys in the past, because I was so used to being made fun of that I thought they must be too. I have felt like a fetish fix at times, too, which I strongly dislike. Love my ass or boobs or whatever, but know that it's just a part of me, and while great, it's not the most important part.


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## Tracyarts (Mar 1, 2011)

" I think it is because of self hate. If someone loves part of you that you hate with a passion then they are going to seem rather freakish and weird. "

Maybe for some, but not all. 

To me, it has nothing to do with loving that part of me. It has everything to do with making that part of me the deal maker or breaker. Why would I paint myself into a corner so to speak by choosing to place myself in a situation where I could become emotionally attached to somebody whose attraction to me is dependant on a physical characteristic that can change dramatically? If I were thin, I would not choose potential partners who were only attracted to thin women and would no longer find me attractive if I were to gain weight. Why would the flip side of the coin be any different? 

But I have no body size preference when it comes to who I am able to be attracted to, so I can't wrap my mind around what it would be like to stop being attracted to somebody simply because they looked different or to not be attracted to somebody simply because they did not look a certain way. For me, the deal maker or breaker is what's on the inside.

Tracy


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## olwen (Mar 1, 2011)

CurvyEm said:


> I think it is because of self hate. If someone loves part of you that you hate with a passion then they are going to seem rather freakish and weird. I think a lot of larger women have a hard time getting their heads around the fact that some men do like fat women. They usually approach these men with suspicion because the concept feels so alien to them.



I think so too. 



TraciJo67 said:


> Maybe sometimes.
> 
> I don't hate my body with a passion, or myself, but I would react with a level of ... mistrust? distaste? ... towards someone whom fetishized me. Being attracted to an aspect of someone's body (breasts, ass, fat, etc) is very different, for me, than NEEDING and FIXATING on that one component. Then, to me, it feels as if *I* am an unnecessary sidebar. Does that make sense?



This kind of makes sense to me...I think if a guy is only interested in your body he won't bother to get to know you as a person, and there are some FAs who are like that, obviously not all of them. I've only felt objectified when I realized past fuck buddies only cared about my size. I could have been anybody. It wouldn't have mattered as long as I was fat. If I were only interested in sex I wouldn't have cared what they thought as long as they put out. So I guess the perspective just depends on intent and level of consent maybe.


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## olwen (Mar 1, 2011)

Tracyarts said:


> " I think it is because of self hate. If someone loves part of you that you hate with a passion then they are going to seem rather freakish and weird. "
> 
> Maybe for some, but not all.
> 
> ...



Seems like it's such a norm that it would be a given. Right? Isn't this part of the reason so many thin women go to extremes to not gain weight?


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## LalaCity (Mar 2, 2011)

When I meet one IRL I'll let you know.


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## Isa (Mar 3, 2011)

LalaCity said:


> When I meet one IRL I'll let you know.



Great response and sadly I cannot rep you for it right now. I wish the amount of out FA's in real life compared to even a small percentage of the ones in the online world.


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## bellastarr (Mar 7, 2011)

A lot of it can come from not being able to reconcile the horrible horrible things we've been told all of our lives. When you're always told that you're ugly and nobody in their right mind will ever want you unless you change how you look... and all of a sudden you find out that there are people who could be attracted to you... it's incredibly disconcerting. If nobody in their right mind could like your looks, then anyone who does like your looks must be crazy or perverted. There must be something wrong with them liking something that you've been taught to hate about yourself. 

That's the mindset a lot of bbws fall into after years of social pressure to hate their bodies. It's hard to break out of that cycle. And, once you accept that it's okay to BE fat, you're more likely to believe that it's okay to LIKE fat. Then, the people in the bbw community don't seem so strange or crazy anymore. Learning to accept yourself helps you learn to accept the people who like you for who you are.


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## AnnMarie (Mar 7, 2011)

TraciJo67 said:


> Maybe sometimes.
> 
> I don't hate my body with a passion, or myself, but I would react with a level of ... mistrust? distaste? ... towards someone whom fetishized me. Being attracted to an aspect of someone's body (breasts, ass, fat, etc) is very different, for me, than NEEDING and FIXATING on that one component. Then, to me, it feels as if *I* am an unnecessary sidebar. Does that make sense?



I think it makes total sense, but I'm always bothered by the "FA=fetishizing" equation (not saying you're doing that, just springboarding). 

Yes, some men are going to be fetishists about things, I've gone on a couple of dates that were just plain ol' weird. WEIRD. I didn't get it going in to it, but easy to peg once I was in it. 

However, the men I've had relationships with are FAs. They date/prefer/seek out relationship with fat girls because they like fat girls. They may have things they like more about them (belly, butt, etc), but I have the same preference in arms.... they drive me nuts. That doesn't mean that a guy can leave his arms behind and I'm perfectly happy, I want the whole package. 

My relationships have been the same, they like the parts, they like the girl with the parts - it's not a fetishizing attraction, it's just attraction. 

So, I totally get the "I don't want someone who just wants the part/parts", but attraction is a complex thing and the majority of FAs I know (either by relationship or friendship) are not there for one component. It's just like any other relationship, they just partner with fat people and may have a special affinity for one extra special part of their partner's body - and it might change partner to partner. It's not a detached thing, it's a "whole package" thing. 

Anyway, just wanted to get that out there because I really don't think people get that. 

I would never tolerate being in any sort of relationship based on purely physical fetish-like attention on one aspect of me. I don't have time for that nonsense.


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## Carrie (Mar 7, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> I think it makes total sense, but I'm always bothered by the "FA=fetishizing" equation (not saying you're doing that, just springboarding).
> 
> Yes, some men are going to be fetishists about things, I've gone on a couple of dates that were just plain ol' weird. WEIRD. I didn't get it going in to it, but easy to peg once I was in it.
> 
> ...


Ka-pow! 

Me too.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 8, 2011)

bellastarr said:


> A lot of it can come from not being able to reconcile the horrible horrible things we've been told all of our lives. *When you're always told that you're ugly and nobody in their right mind will ever want you unless you change how you look... and all of a sudden you find out that there are people who could be attracted to you... it's incredibly disconcerting. If nobody in their right mind could like your looks, then anyone who does like your looks must be crazy or perverted. There must be something wrong with them liking something that you've been taught to hate about yourself. *
> 
> That's the mindset a lot of bbws fall into after years of social pressure to hate their bodies. It's hard to break out of that cycle. And, once you accept that it's okay to BE fat, you're more likely to believe that it's okay to LIKE fat. Then, the people in the bbw community don't seem so strange or crazy anymore. Learning to accept yourself helps you learn to accept the people who like you for who you are.



I'm glad you are liking yourself for who you are these days.  Interestingly, about the bolded part, my experience was kind of the opposite. I was also taught growing up that no one would be attracted to me or love me unless/until I lost weight, but as soon as I found out there were guys that liked or preferred fat women, and found fat women very attractive, I was all about it. I didn't think those guys were crazy or perverse at all, I guess instead I found it validating, exciting, and like a whole new, awesome world of opportunities had been opened to me.


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## AmazingAmy (Mar 8, 2011)

TraciJo67 said:


> Maybe sometimes.
> 
> I don't hate my body with a passion, or myself, but I would react with a level of ... mistrust? distaste? ... towards someone whom fetishized me. Being attracted to an aspect of someone's body (breasts, ass, fat, etc) is very different, for me, than NEEDING and FIXATING on that one component. *Then, to me, it feels as if *I* am an unnecessary sidebar. Does that make sense?*



This struck me because it's a feeling I've felt in nearly all (who am I kidding? Just _all_) of my relationships, but have never been able to articulate it. They wanted an _aspect _of me, but they were inconvenienced by the personality, the girl attached to it, because that's not what they wanted to buy into. It was as though they were trying to sustain a relationship with me while feeling inconvenience by the _actual _me. And what's worse, they actually put up with me to be able to do that. Or that's what it feels like.


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## AnnMarie (Mar 8, 2011)

AmazingAmy said:


> This struck me because it's a feeling I've felt in nearly all (who am I kidding? Just _all_) of my relationships, but have never been able to articulate it. They wanted an _aspect _of me, but they were inconvenienced by the personality, the girl attached to it, because that's not what they wanted to buy into. It was as though they were trying to sustain a relationship with me while feeling inconvenience by the _actual _me. And what's worse, they actually put up with me to be able to do that. Or that's what it feels like.



I've also had that experience exactly opposite. Personality fits but my body and sexuality were overlooked or merely tolerated, and that is just as shitty feeling - at least to me. 

Bottom line is that very few of us are going to be happy as "half" ok to someone. I want it all, and I'm clearly (ha! Let's pretend I'm choosing!) willing to remain single until I find it again.


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## PeanutButterfly (Mar 8, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> I've also had that experience exactly opposite. Personality fits but my body and sexuality were overlooked or merely tolerated, and that is just as shitty feeling - at least to me.
> 
> Bottom line is that very few of us are going to be happy as "half" ok to someone. I want it all, and I'm clearly (ha! Let's pretend I'm choosing!) willing to remain single until I find it again.



I completely agree with this. I've had this experience time and time again. Thats why I found Dims to be such a breath of fresh air. Finally I had the chance to find someone who was genuinely attracted to me, all of me, instead of looking past my size or sexual interests. It was definitely comforting to know that even though there were guys who wouldnt be seen with me in public there were plenty of others who would find me beautiful. Not just my "pretty face".


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## Carrie (Mar 8, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> I've also had that experience exactly opposite. Personality fits but my body and sexuality were overlooked or merely tolerated, and that is just as shitty feeling - at least to me.


Same here. Sometimes I think all it takes is one experience like that to make a person rethink their aversion to FAs. Being in a relationship with someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me was devastating to my self-esteem, and recovery took a long time. I don't recommend it. 

I do agree that being fetishized is an equally crappy feeling, but not all FAs (in fact, I don't even think _most_) do that. Most, in my experience, are just regular guys who like fat chicks.


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## badassdebate (Mar 9, 2011)

I haven't read any of the other posts so if someone else already made this point then ignore me lol but for me, I have always been heavy and with guys who "wished I was thinner" and because of that I came to think of that as the standard of 'normal' and it is hard to break from that conception. For me, I am in love with an FA, and I knew he was an FA pretty early on, but for me, the fact that he would love and want me any weight is what makes it so nice, but he is very vocal the bigger the better....I just think it is two-fold-it is against the standard we are taught is suppose to be beautiful and that the man is only with the fat and not the girl attached to the fat (neither are true, being an FA to me is like being attracted to huge breasts you like what you like, I like blue eyes lol)


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## Oirish (Mar 9, 2011)

Reading AnnMarie and Amazing Amy's posts hit home to me pretty truly. In the last ten years or so I've seen a staggering amount of couples who were obviously not right for one another that just seemed to tolerate one another. Maybe partly out of convenience. Maybe because they really clicked either emotionally or physically but not both. These situations just look so terribly depressing when I witness them. Totally uncomfortable from even just the spectators' perspective. Witnessing these doomed relationships over and over again has been a huge influence on how picky I've become. Sure, I'm a little jaded but I really do want that right person for me. I date A LOT and meet lots of great girls. But not ones that are great for me. Not single ones at least. I often find girls that i'm compatible with in a few ways but it's been a LONG time since someone has really had me firing on all cylinders and that keeps me from entering a relationship. I hate the idea of being in one of those slowly degrading toxic relationships where both parties feel half alive because they feel only a part of them is loved or that they only love a part of another person.


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## Jes (Mar 10, 2011)

badassdebate said:


> , I have always been heavy and with guys who "wished I was thinner" ... but he is very vocal the bigger the better....



it's strange... men seem always to be commenting on how they'd like us to be different. even if done lovingly, it's hard not to notice (and, for me) comment on it. My boyfriend never, ever talks about my weight. Ever. Never has. Loves me, loves getting naked with me, doesn't want me to be anything other than what I already am.


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## bonified (Mar 10, 2011)

Jes said:


> it's strange... men seem always to be commenting on how they'd like us to be different. even if done lovingly, it's hard not to notice (and, for me) comment on it. My boyfriend never, ever talks about my weight. Ever. Never has. Loves me, loves getting naked with me, doesn't want me to be anything other than what I already am.



For me it's not so strange anymore, I felt exactly the same as you and I was with mine for 12 years & 3 different countries, one year spent living in a hut in remote jungles in the pacific. If that didn't test every physical boundary & comfort level & those things bring out the rawest primal parts of everyone whilst making me think I knew his wants, needs etc then I don't know what would or could have besised something akin to a spanish inquistion.

Funny thing is I woulda said exactly the same thing as you up until a year or so ago. I wonder now, do you really ever truly know someone, like know know down to the deep & even dark depths kinda know? Or is it just what they are wanting you to know about them.


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## WVMountainrear (Mar 10, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> I've also had that experience exactly opposite. Personality fits but my body and sexuality were overlooked or merely tolerated, and that is just as shitty feeling - at least to me.
> 
> Bottom line is that very few of us are going to be happy as "half" ok to someone. I want it all, and I'm clearly (ha! Let's pretend I'm choosing!) willing to remain single until I find it again.





PeanutButterfly said:


> I completely agree with this. I've had this experience time and time again. Thats why I found Dims to be such a breath of fresh air. Finally I had the chance to find someone who was genuinely attracted to me, all of me, instead of looking past my size or sexual interests. It was definitely comforting to know that even though there were guys who wouldnt be seen with me in public there were plenty of others who would find me beautiful. Not just my "pretty face".





Carrie said:


> Same here. Sometimes I think all it takes is one experience like that to make a person rethink their aversion to FAs. Being in a relationship with someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me was devastating to my self-esteem, and recovery took a long time. I don't recommend it.
> 
> I do agree that being fetishized is an equally crappy feeling, but not all FAs (in fact, I don't even think _most_) do that. Most, in my experience, are just regular guys who like fat chicks.




I'm out of rep for the day, but I had to acknowledge these posts. Not being loved or appreciated for every and all parts of you will never work...and shame on those of us (and I have been guilty of this in the past) who don't INSIST on it for ourselves.


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## Jes (Mar 11, 2011)

bonified said:


> I wonder now, do you really ever truly know someone, like know know down to the deep & even dark depths kinda know? Or is it just what they are wanting you to know about them.



I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle with the average person, right? Some we'll never know and some we will; everyone else... well, you meet in the middle!


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## rubenesquehunny (Mar 11, 2011)

I think for me, as with some others, that growing up that I needed to lose weight, that I would be so beautiful if I were thin, I have such a pretty face and when my mother would mention meeting someone, she would comment there were guys out there who liked fat girls but made it seem like there was something wrong with them for it, they were sub-par for liking fat girls....and I never have had a problem with myself until others did, my family and friends and then boyfriends...so when I met the FA I am seeing now, it was hard for me becasue HE was what I wanted to have 100% and his liking fat girls was weird cause on one hand, it was freeing to be able to be fat and enjoy my life with lots of food in it without the guilt of not being thin and embracing fat but on the other, it's normal for guys to like flat bellies and toned legs and no one says a word against that type....so that is how I have come to see it....a FA is just a person who enjoys a specific body type and there is nothing wrong with desiring a big person and/or desiring to be a big person....the only thing wrong is how we are suppose to feel about it!!


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## 1love_emily (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm so used to being rejected all of the time, I bet if an FA were to ever approach me openly as an FA (or even approach me privately as an FA) I would welcome them with open arms. 

I'm in high school, where it's all about cheerleaders and jocks, social statuses and GPAs. I'm doing my best to get through, but it would be really nice just to have someone appreciate me for my body, my face, my personality, my anything... just for once.


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## rubenesquehunny (Mar 15, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> I'm so used to being rejected all of the time, I bet if an FA were to ever approach me openly as an FA (or even approach me privately as an FA) I would welcome them with open arms.
> 
> I'm in high school, where it's all about cheerleaders and jocks, social statuses and GPAs. I'm doing my best to get through, but it would be really nice just to have someone appreciate me for my body, my face, my personality, my anything... just for once.



You are in a hard time, you could be surrounded by FA's but you have to remember it is hard for them to sometimes "come out" as well and takes time for everyone to know who they are and what they want...but you are so sweet and pretty and you will find a person who loves all parts of you, just have to find the right one....teen yrs suck!


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## TXgalnAK (Mar 16, 2011)

FA= Mystical Creature well at least in my lifetime I have not met a true FA..Met lots of Fetish Guys or FAkers...guys who wanted a easy lay because they believed you were desperate but no FA's so to speak.
I've grown tired of trying to find one of these Mythical Creatures so maybe that is best since I would probably not recognize him and end up shooting him down thinking he was just another FAker. Please if you find one send me a picture of him or best yet send him my way but make sure he is marked "A TRUE FA"


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## fatgirlflyin (Mar 16, 2011)

rubenesquehunny said:


> but you have to remember it is hard for them to sometimes "come out" as well



I don't know when or if I will ever understand this statement. How hard is it to just like who you like? If someone were to say that it was difficult to come out about preferring black men or Asian women there would be people lined up around the block saying grow up and don't let other people's ignorance rule how they live their lives. Why do we make excuses then, for men who simply don't have the balls to date the women they are attracted to regardless of what people around them may or may not think?


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## EvilPrincess (Mar 16, 2011)

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## rubenesquehunny (Mar 17, 2011)

fatgirlflyin said:


> I don't know when or if I will ever understand this statement. How hard is it to just like who you like? If someone were to say that it was difficult to come out about preferring black men or Asian women there would be people lined up around the block saying grow up and don't let other people's ignorance rule how they live their lives. Why do we make excuses then, for men who simply don't have the balls to date the women they are attracted to regardless of what people around them may or may not think?



I understand why you feel that way, and I agree, it should be easy to be who you are and love and be attrached to who you want to be, but for some people, it is difficult to admit that you are attracted to something not just outside a socieital norm, but instead you desire we are all conditioned to believe is gross....


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## CastingPearls (Mar 17, 2011)

BBWs don't have the choice of hiding that they're fat. They live their societally disapproved lives every single day so IMO anyone attracted to them and making that excuse that it's difficult to admit that is disingenuous and cowardly. Not to mention nauseating.


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## butch (Mar 17, 2011)

I guess I'm a coward, then, as I struggled when I was a teenager over telling people about my attraction to fat guys. Ironic, considering I've always been a big fatty.

As an adult, in some ways telling people about my attraction to fat people has been more difficult than telling people I'm queer. People look at me and most of them know off the bat that I'm queer (and they did so even before I was fully out and even when I was more girly looking), but even though I'm fat, nobody was looking at me and assuimg I was into fat people. I live in a liberal place, so being out and queer has been no problem, but I don't know any FAs where I live, and my friends aren't in the fat life, or even all that aware that there is a fat culture to be part of, so I don't feel like being the exotic one for them to oooh and aah over, like some anthropological subject.

When I first discovered Dimensions, it wasn't something I took to because I needed to assocaite with other fat poeple, I took to it because it had a BHM/FFA board, and I had finally found people who shared my sexual attractions to fat guys. That gave me more confidence to be out about all my sexuality components.

Again, if I'm a big coward, so be it. We all come from different backgrounds, with different formative experiences growing up. As long as someone isn't being a jerk and a user about being 'in the FA closet,' I do have some empathy for them, assuming they really want to change and not be in the closet forever. To each their own.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 17, 2011)

Sure there are FAs who are more closeted than others, for all kinds of various reasons and life experiences. Some people struggle more with wanting to fit in or be liked or admired than other people do. And like Butch said, as long as someone is working on becoming an integrated person, living outwardly as they are inwardly (which for all of us, in different ways, is a process), then I think that's all we can really ask.

AT THE SAME TIME, fat people also have different needs and experiences, and while some fat people may be in a place where they feel able and willing to walk with a closeted FA on his/her journey toward integration, for others it's hurtful, or feels just plain wrong. And that's fine too.

We are all works in progress, in different ways, and we can all handle different amounts of things. I think that's a good thing, really.


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## Jes (Mar 17, 2011)

Every now and then, it's not a shame cave so much as a privacy closet. I'm very private about most things in my personal life. I won't bring up someone I'm interested in or someone I'm dating and I rarely name names. I'm even closed-mouth to my own family. Everyone handles personal things differently...but yes, the 'hurt' issue is something some of us private people have to deal with as a result.


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## superodalisque (Mar 19, 2011)

i like some individual FAs as people very much but i don't care for the sexual politics of FAdom. so my not dating them has nothing to do with their attraction to fat women or their lack of attraction to them. i just don't like the politics attached to the whole deal. first , i'll never accept that i am something to be ashamed of or that somehow my being fat is such a big deal in the life of a man who says he is attracted to me. i find it dehumanizing and demeaning. i love guys who are attracted to my size and love my body. but thats not all they love. and, they respect me as a human being as well and are willing to make the same effort for me that guys make for average sized women. 

i also feel really good that my size either way is not a total deal breaker with the people i date. as a woman i find there is so much freedom in knowing that you can choose to be any size and your man will still be totally turned on by you. i can be me. i can change my mind whenever i like. i don't have to worry about any of that and thats how i like it.

i do tend to think that maybe one reason i chose to be fat earlier on was as a way to get away from th strangle hold some people in society want to have on how a person should look and getting away from people who couldn't actually see me as a human being but just as a means to their own pleasure and even their own self worth. it was a way to escape shallow folks. unfortunately, i have found just as many people willing to be shallow in their attraction for thin as for fat. in terms of relationships i avoid both groups like the plague.


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## superodalisque (Mar 19, 2011)

TraciJo67 said:


> Maybe sometimes.
> 
> I don't hate my body with a passion, or myself, but I would react with a level of ... mistrust? distaste? ... towards someone whom fetishized me. Being attracted to an aspect of someone's body (breasts, ass, fat, etc) is very different, for me, than NEEDING and FIXATING on that one component. Then, to me, it feels as if *I* am an unnecessary sidebar. Does that make sense?



i actually think you love yourself too much to be pinned down or hemmed into a size and have everything you've invested in someone emotionally be so totally conditional on your appearance. i never used to understand why so many extremely beautiful women developed so much hatred for men but now i do. they attracted the wrong kind of man that left them hanging when it came to the real deal, which is what every woman really wants. just because he can get a hard one doesn't make whats behind it real.


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## superodalisque (Mar 19, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> I'm so used to being rejected all of the time, I bet if an FA were to ever approach me openly as an FA (or even approach me privately as an FA) I would welcome them with open arms.
> 
> I'm in high school, where it's all about cheerleaders and jocks, social statuses and GPAs. I'm doing my best to get through, but it would be really nice just to have someone appreciate me for my body, my face, my personality, my anything... just for once.



they do. you're probably just as clueless about exactly who as most of us were in highschool.  then when you go "oh man! why couldn't i see that?".


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## OneHauteMama (Mar 20, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> I'm so used to being rejected all of the time, I bet if an FA were to ever approach me openly as an FA (or even approach me privately as an FA) I would welcome them with open arms.
> 
> I'm in high school, where it's all about cheerleaders and jocks, social statuses and GPAs. I'm doing my best to get through, but it would be really nice just to have someone appreciate me for my body, my face, my personality, my anything... just for once.



I've been there. I was a big girl through most of my school career and watched all the other girls get asked out, etc. I did have a few guys who liked me, but they were too scared to say anything because of their friends. I didn't find out until school was almost over and they let it slip. I did have ONE who asked me out Freshman year... What happened was that a friend of mine told me he liked me back in 7th grade, but people were always doing that to me and then I felt like an idiot when it wasn't true. So I didn't believe her. 2 years later, he asked me out...he had liked me since 6th grade and finally got up the courage. Ironically, he had been making fun of me along with his friends and when I started crying, he felt terrible about it. He switched his seat to be next to me and then switched his whole schedule to be in more of my classes. When he DID ask me out, I had to turn him down...I wasn't allowed to date. So that sucked...he was a very sweet guy and I really would have given him a chance if I could have. 

I guess I'm telling you this so that you know that sometimes we don't notice when people have a "thing" for us. Because we're not used to it...we don't really know what it looks like, ESPECIALLY in high school. It's a confusing time to begin with, without having to decode guys at the same time!


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## MaryClaire (Apr 5, 2011)

Ruffie said:


> Most of the time when a guy hit on me it was to make a joke at my expense or because they thought I was desperate and easy. So my walls went up to protect myself



THIS!!!

I'm 42 and I don't think I've ever really met an FA. I've dated guys but they didn't love the way I look I think they just tolerated it. I'm not active in the BBW community so that might be part of the problem. I'm also a little stubborn I guess.
When I was in my 20's this community was young too. It was the AOL era. I met men in chat rooms. Men were just looking for sex and nothing more - at least the ones that I knew. 
Things are different now, I've found places like Dimensions (and some others) that are for women that are my size and those that love them.
I wish I was young again!!!


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## mossystate (Apr 5, 2011)

MaryClaire said:


> THIS!!!
> 
> I'm 42 and I don't think I've ever really met an FA. I've dated guys but they didn't love the way I look I think they just tolerated it. I'm not active in the BBW community so that might be part of the problem. I'm also a little stubborn I guess.
> When I was in my 20's this community was young too. It was the AOL era. I met men in chat rooms. Men were just looking for sex and nothing more - at least the ones that I knew.
> ...



' Fa's ' can just be looking for sex, tooooo.  I hope you find a man who loves your body, and that might very well come from someone who has never heard of the term fa.


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## Alzison (Apr 7, 2011)

mossystate said:


> ' Fa's ' can just be looking for sex, tooooo.  I hope you find a man who loves your body, and that might very well come from someone who has never heard of the term fa.



Agreed. That is, I am hesitant to idealize the "BBW + FA sittin in a tree" moment because I feel like there is this inherent degree of an initial "wow, he really loves my body! Now he can love all of me" when in reality, just cause you meet a dude who is into fat chicks doesn't mean that it is a genuine and whole connection. OK, I project, I project. Still, I think such generalizations are dangerous and, as everyone has said, it is important to treat every situation as something unique. Truth be told (and as big as I am), I've met more non-FA's lately who have connected to my mind and my physical self than those who were initially drawn in by my looks. And-just sayin- most of the FA's I've encountered have just been looking for sex. Why, NYC? WHYYYY?


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## Alzison (Apr 7, 2011)

ps- *subscribe*


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## thatgirl08 (Apr 8, 2011)

Alzison said:


> when in reality, just cause you meet a dude who is into fat chicks doesn't mean that it is a genuine and whole connection...Still, I think such generalizations are dangerous and, as everyone has said, it is important to treat every situation as something unique. Truth be told (and as big as I am), I've met more non-FA's lately who have connected to my mind and my physical self than those who were initially drawn in by my looks. And-just sayin- most of the FA's I've encountered have just been looking for sex.



ya don't say


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## Yakatori (Apr 8, 2011)

Alzison said:


> "_..it is important to treat every situation as something unique... I've met more non-FA's lately who have connected to my mind and my physical self than those who were initially drawn in by my looks. And-just sayin- most of the FA's I've encountered have just been looking for sex...._"



How do you distinguish between the two groups, that-is non-FAs who nonetheless connect to your (assumably fat?) physical-self versus actual FAs? Is it in the ratio of fat to thin women they've dated? How they describe themselves? If they're attracted to your physical-self on the whole or if they tend to hone-in on a certain aspect of it? Or how or when they express it? To what degree? Or is it something you "just know?" Just curious....


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## Alzison (Apr 8, 2011)

thatgirl08 said:


> ya don't say


Oh I think I wrote this verrry late at night. What part do you want me to explain?



Yakatori said:


> How do you distinguish between the two groups, that-is non-FAs who nonetheless connect to your (assumably fat?) physical-self versus actual FAs? Is it in the ratio of fat to thin women they've dated? How they describe themselves? If they're attracted to your physical-self on the whole or if they tend to hone-in on a certain aspect of it? Or how or when they express it? To what degree? Or is it something you "just know?" Just curious....


So many questions that I don't know how to answer. I guess I could, in the most definitive sense, distinguish the non-FA based on that person not being primarily attracted to fat women (of which I am very much one). I was dating this guy who said that he had dated girls who were 170 lbs and 270 lbs and the only connection in his attraction to the two was that they were both attractive, in his opinion, and smart, funny etc etc. He never honed in on one specific body part of mine that he was attracted to, so I can't say if there was a way to use that to differentiate. I mean, maybe he was an FA, I guess I can't really say 100% because I didn't do any sort of polygraph/ brain surgical analysis. There are other physical behaviors that I attribute to men who are definitively/self-assertively FA's, though I can't say that those are totally universal so I would hate to make any generalizations. 

This may have totally been confusing/nonsensical... let me know?


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 8, 2011)

Yakatori said:


> How do you distinguish between the two groups, that-is non-FAs who nonetheless connect to your (assumably fat?) physical-self versus actual FAs? Is it in the ratio of fat to thin women they've dated? How they describe themselves? If they're attracted to your physical-self on the whole or if they tend to hone-in on a certain aspect of it? Or how or when they express it? To what degree? Or is it something you "just know?" Just curious....



This is an interesting question. I guess I just assume that someone who self-identifies as an FA is someone who would be hard pressed to be physically attracted to someone who is not fat. Just because someone is attracted to a particular fat body does not make him/her an FA, it just means that they can at times be attracted to fat people. For me, I guess I would consider someone an FA if 1) they self-identified that way, and 2) their preference was along the lines of "fat people only".


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## superodalisque (Apr 8, 2011)

i think for me guys who identify as FA are usually focused on the body. its not that they don't or haven't dated thin women. i think for me its more of a focus i see in a guy. i tend to be interested in guys that have a broader focus than just body type. so if someone comes at me in certain ways i can identify him as a dyed in the wool FA or just a guy who thinks fat women are pretty. there is a variance in exactly how people show their FAdom. its just that i doubt in general that i'd be any more attracted to a guy who had to have fat as i would be to a guy who had to have thin. i also tend to feel that some guys need the term as a crutch. i don't know why but it makes me feel like more of a sexual commodity than a human being so i'm not comfortable with that. i'd just rather be a beautiful woman inside AND out to someone than just a fat carrier.

so FA for me has only the same amount of meaning as someone who says he likes big boobs. its neither here nor there to me except as a side issue. i don't look for guys who like big boobs even though i might have some. there is something kind of immature in a guy who has to go around telling women how he likes his bodies. i look for a guy who cares about me because liking big boobs alone means absolutely nothing without the rest. there is always a bigger set around the corner. now, if he really cares for me AND thinks my boobs are fantastic thats another story. unfortunately a lot of guys i know who call themselves FAs don't tend to behave that way.


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## Kamily (Apr 10, 2011)

> Most of the time when a guy hit on me it was to make a joke at my expense or because they thought I was desperate and easy. So my walls went up to protect myself.





> I'm 42 and I don't think I've ever really met an FA. I've dated guys but they didn't love the way I look I think they just tolerated it.




Yep I can relate to both of these posts. A lot of my problems is dealing with low self esteem thanks to a verbally abusive (soon to be ex) husband.


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## LordQuas (Apr 19, 2011)

fatgirlflyin said:


> I don't know when or if I will ever understand this statement. How hard is it to just like who you like? If someone were to say that it was difficult to come out about preferring black men or Asian women there would be people lined up around the block saying grow up and don't let other people's ignorance rule how they live their lives. Why do we make excuses then, for men who simply don't have the balls to date the women they are attracted to regardless of what people around them may or may not think?





It is so incredibly refreshing to see a woman say this. It's one thing to be scared to be open about liking big women when you're in high school but we're supposed to be adults and if you are too scared of other peoples' opinions to go for what makes you happy then you don't deserve to be happy IMO.


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## Thrifty McGriff (Apr 19, 2011)

LordQuas said:


> It is so incredibly refreshing to see a woman say this. It's one thing to be scared to be open about liking big women when you're in high school but we're supposed to be adults and if you are too scared of other peoples' opinions to go for what makes you happy then you don't deserve to be happy IMO.



When growing up in our (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) societies, people tend to learn what they are taught, directly and/or indirectly. If you are taught to be strong willed and to do what truly makes you happy, that is what you learn. If you are taught to be afraid of people's judgements and to question yourself at every turn, that is what you learn. Parents, for example, are quite adept at making or breaking a person's mental health. Of course there are other variables involved but you get the idea. One cannot unlearn anxiety and neurotic patterns overnight. It's quite easy to say, "Be an adult and ignore the unfavourable opinions of others." but another thing for some people to put it into practice. It takes time for some.

*Fades away*


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## witchysbbw (Apr 20, 2011)

I can only speak from experience. Being a fat girl from age 5, I always believed that no boy would want me because of my size. Though my family and friends were loving and supportive they confirmed this idea. 

When I was in college, I encountered some men and women that found me attractive. Sometimes this freaked me out for it was new and exciting. I had never heard of FA's until the subject of fat acceptance was explored by some of the daytime talk shows. I was so hopeful and yet fearful. It was not until I was 30ish that I fully accepted myself and started exploring the world of FA's. 

Most FA's are sincere but there are the freaks too. I love that men and women find me attractive because of my size but there is more to me than fat. I was married to a man for 15 years that loved my body but was not really a FA. He made me feel sexy and beautiful. I lost him a few months ago and wonder if there will ever be someone else who makes me feel this. I have chatted openly with several FA's online over the years, but so many were just focused on my weight and measurements. This is a turn off. I want a friend.


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## Hathor (Apr 20, 2011)

PeanutButterfly said:


> My question is this: why are some women so disturbed by the idea of a guy finding them beautiful at an above average size? Is it because of the fetish angle? Is it because they want to change?



I get weirded out by most FAs because they come across as being obsessed with my fat. They are into the whole bigger woman thing which is great, but when it comes to the point where I'm merely an object of their fantasy instead of being seen as a person it's time to drop them and look for a normal guy. 

For instance, one guy just wanted to give me belly rubs. Okay. Do you want to have a conversation first and get to know me? No. He just wanted to get physical and then stopped talking to me soon as I tried to steer the conversation to regular topics. The FAs I've met have been fetishists then I guess. Turn off.


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## mossystate (Apr 20, 2011)

Thrifty McGriff said:


> When growing up in our (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) societies, people tend to learn what they are taught, directly and/or indirectly. If you are taught to be strong willed and to do what truly makes you happy, that is what you learn. If you are taught to be afraid of people's judgements and to question yourself at every turn, that is what you learn. Parents, for example, are quite adept at making or breaking a person's mental health. Of course there are other variables involved but you get the idea. One cannot unlearn anxiety and neurotic patterns overnight. It's quite easy to say, "Be an adult and ignore the unfavourable opinions of others." but another thing for some people to put it into practice. It takes time for some.
> 
> *Fades away*



Thing is? This is the bbw forum which is for fat women. So the fat woman he was quoting had every right to express herself how she wanted. She doesn't need to teach...to learn...to ' understand ' ( you are assuming she doesn't )...to do anything other than contribute what she wants here, how she wants to contribute it, on the protected ( ? ) forum for fat women. I understand your desire to jump in...heck...I would love to jump into any number of threads on the fa forum exactly in the manner you did here...but I know that is not allowed.


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## Dromond (Apr 20, 2011)

Thrifty McGriff said:


> When growing up in our (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) societies, people tend to learn what they are taught, directly and/or indirectly. If you are taught to be strong willed and to do what truly makes you happy, that is what you learn. If you are taught to be afraid of people's judgements and to question yourself at every turn, that is what you learn. Parents, for example, are quite adept at making or breaking a person's mental health. Of course there are other variables involved but you get the idea. One cannot unlearn anxiety and neurotic patterns overnight. It's quite easy to say, "Be an adult and ignore the unfavourable opinions of others." but another thing for some people to put it into practice. It takes time for some.
> 
> *Fades away*



No matter your upbringing, you are still wholly and completely responsible for the things you do and say.


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## superodalisque (Apr 20, 2011)

i'm tired of feeling sorry for emotionally weak men. they can do what they do and i can do what i do. they can feel sorry for themselves. i can go on living fully without them in my love life. hopefully there are some people who don't feel that fear goes hand in hand with being an FA. i bet that would go a long way toward encouraging me and other women like me in having more positive feelings toward the idea of them.

BBWs are also taught to hate themselves but its also not right for us to keep on hanging on to that belief. its also not healthy for us to be around people who hang on the the inferiority idea that society tries to impose. so its very difficult for a woman who believes in herself or is trying diligently to get there to hang on to somebody who in their hearts believes there is something to the negative stereotypes enough to give them the credence in their lives to stop them from loving who they love. that much powerlessness is counter productive to what most BBWs want to do with themselves.


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## CaitiDee (Apr 20, 2011)

PeanutButterfly said:


> She was obviously upset and disturbed by the idea of her boyfriend liking her body at a size 14. I just never understood why she would want to be with a guy who wished she was a size 2.



I deal with this very same thing with my female friends. Most of them are heavy, but most of them hate it. And when I try to encourage them to join in on the community or seek out men who love their bodies the way they are (because I think that'd give them a jump start in loving them too), they say they don't want someone who loves their fat... Because they don't. This is understandable, but my best friend has been unsuccessfully trying to diet her way out of the 260-270 weight for YEARS now. Instead of wasting all that time hating herself, she could've been livin it up! 

Just seems silly.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 20, 2011)

With the way the term is vilified around here, I can certainly understand why some would choose to distance themselves from it. That way they can still like bigger partners, but not have any of those other horrible qualities that those pesky FAs have. 

You don't have to carry any label you don't want, and you shouldn't, but I'm not rejecting "fat" just because it also equals lazy, smelly, stupid, ugly, boring, and uneducated to some people. Instead I work within the term to change impressions. I'm not going to say "you can't call me fat because it means bad things to you, so I'm actually fluffy because that means bunnies and sunshine and rainbows - so I'm fluffy!!"

If you don't care for/use the term FA, but then go on to define who you are (in relationships and in preference of large partners) and it's basically the same as what those of use who actually 'like' FAs describe them as - well.... 

I won't call anyone something they don't want, but to me FA-dom is more about "how you live it" than anything. Saying you're one doesn't make you one and saying you're not won't prevent someone from seeing you that way ... looks like a duck, walks like a duck...


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## mossystate (Apr 20, 2011)

Fa means you prefer fat on a person...that's it. There is nothing mystical about it...nothing deep...nothing ' better '...doesn't make you a good or a bad person. If a man needed to use that term...needed to...I would run ( walk fast ) away. I guess that makes me someone who doesn't actually LIKE men who like fat women. Oy.


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## superodalisque (Apr 20, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> You don't have to carry any label you don't want, and you shouldn't, but I'm not rejecting "fat" just because it also equals lazy, smelly, stupid, ugly, boring, and uneducated to some people. Instead I work within the term to change impressions. I'm not going to say "you can't call me fat because it means bad things to you, so I'm actually fluffy because that means bunnies and sunshine and rainbows - so I'm fluffy!!"
> 
> If you don't care for/use the term FA, but then go on to define who you are (in relationships and in preference of large partners) and it's basically the same as what those of use who actually 'like' FAs describe them as - well....
> 
> I won't call anyone something they don't want, but to me FA-dom is more about "how you live it" than anything. Saying you're one doesn't make you one and saying you're not won't prevent someone from seeing you that way ... looks like a duck, walks like a duck...



actually, speaking for myself, i love the word fat and have never made any of those negative associations with it. thats not my deal. i don't care about the fat stereotype since its not me and i don't exemplify it in my own actions and behaviors. its not on my agenda. i don't need to prove anything and neither does any other fat person--unless somewhere deep down they believe it themselves.

i love men who love me. i'm not 100% fat so hopefully they aren't just enjoying my adipose tissue but me. i have a host of other things that i like enjoyed along with that. i'm smart, artistic,stylish, sensual, strong, opinionated and even sensitive when warranted. what i don't want is someone telling me what i have to be to attract him physically and why he will leave me if i'm not that no matter what it is. i don't want someone who generally treats me like i am less than what i am and that i only exist to please him. actually i am the one to be pleased. if he can't get with that we'll have issues. i am what i am. i'm proud of it and he should be too. either take me or leave me. otherwise they can just step off. 

i don't care what size body parts a person likes or fantasizes about. its not my business. he can keep it to himself if he can't fully respect me anywhere and treat me like the 100% woman that i am. whatever letters he choses to attach to his sexual identity won't tell me anything about that. only his actions can. i can care less what a man is. what really matters is the verbs that I associate with his name. they describe how he treats me and what kind of character he has. 

i'm not worried about whether a man likes my fat body. i'm not paranoid about it. its not my first consideration. i don't think everyone hates my body. i know i love it. a man will too. he isn't doing me any favors by being attracted to it so i wont kiss his ass for that. i'm fat and beautiful and i know it and so are the other women here. we don't need to be all happy and grateful, as someone said, like trained seals just because someone likes fat. i doubt any of us are really that desperate. if folks want that they'll be disappointed. even women who try to do that for a while because they are misguided grow out of it when they see how little it gets them and understand how much more valuable they are than that.


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## Fox (Apr 20, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> With the way the term is vilified around here, I can certainly understand why some would choose to distance themselves from it. That way they can still like bigger partners, but not have any of those other horrible qualities that those pesky FAs have.



This is very true. From my experience, Dims is a FA positive site with a very FA negative light. I do not choose to distance myself from the term just to be socially acceptable. I do know most BBW wouldn't give me a chance knowing that I'm FA. But I'm certainly not going to let it stop me from taking joy in my identity.



AnnMarie said:


> If you don't care for/use the term FA, but then go on to define who you are (in relationships and in preference of large partners) and it's basically the same as what those of use who actually 'like' FAs describe them as - well....



It intrigues me that some people actually do this. What's even more intriguing is that people seem so accepting of that act. If a guy said, "I like boys, but I'm not gay." Even though that is possible (bisexuality), society doesn't accept that usually. I guess it's a good thing though about the term "FA". It's still fairly underground, so you don't have to be identified as a FA if you don't want to. I've had many people ask me if I was gay before but no one has EVER come up to me and asked, "Hey, are you a fat admirer? Because you so totally look like one of those people." XD


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## mossystate (Apr 20, 2011)

Fox said:


> This is very true. From my experience, Dims is a FA positive site with a very FA negative light. I do not choose to distance myself from the term just to be socially acceptable. I do know most BBW wouldn't give me a chance knowing that I'm FA. But I'm certainly not going to let it stop me from taking joy in my identity.
> 
> 
> 
> It intrigues me that some people actually do this. What's even more intriguing is that people seem so accepting of that act. If a guy said, "I like boys, but I'm not gay." Even though that is possible (bisexuality), society doesn't accept that usually. I guess it's a good thing though about the term "FA". It's still fairly underground, so you don't have to be identified as a FA if you don't want to. I've had many people ask me if I was gay before but no one has EVER come up to me and asked, "Hey, are you a fat admirer? Because you so totally look like one of those people." XD



Not sure if you know that you posted in a thread on the bbw forum. It is asking us - fat women - about our reaction to fas. It would be like me going to the fa forum, not identifying as a fa and telling you that I don't get why you feel the way you feel. It doesn't matter if you are " intrigued " or not. This is not a thread for you to be judging the opinions of fat women, whatever side of the aisle. The fa forum is where you can take great joy in your identity and discuss this issue.


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## Fox (Apr 20, 2011)

mossystate said:


> Not sure if you know that you posted in a thread on the bbw forum. It is asking us - fat women - about our reaction to fas. It would be like me going to the fa forum, not identifying as a fa and telling you that I don't get why you feel the way you feel. It doesn't matter if you are " intrigued " or not. This is not a thread for you to be judging the opinions of fat women, whatever side of the aisle. The fa forum is where you can take great joy in your identity and discuss this issue.



But BBW on this site usually do that all the time. When I'm in the FA forum, most comments are made by fat women, usually also saying the "FAs don't love me for me and only my body", oh, you know, same old broken record. A lot of the time, the BBW go over the the FA thread and tell FAs all that same stuff, so I really can't take pride in it there either. And I figured since a bunch of guys (who are obviously not fat women) are here making points, I thought I could at least quote Ann Marie on such a fine statement she made, since the site wouldn't let me give her rep.


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## superodalisque (Apr 20, 2011)

Fox said:


> But BBW on this site usually do that all the time. When I'm in the FA forum, most comments are made by fat women, usually also saying the "FAs don't love me for me and only my body", oh, you know, same old broken record. A lot of the time, the BBW go over the the FA thread and tell FAs all that same stuff, so I really can't take pride in it there either. And I figured since a bunch of guys (who are obviously not fat women) are here making points, I thought I could at least quote Ann Marie on such a fine statement she made, since the site wouldn't let me give her rep.



i have a question. if you are really interested in BBWs then why aren't you listening to what they say they need from a man? or should we just be quiet and generally agree with a perspective that at least some of us in our hearts don't want to comply with. 

there is no harm in loving a fat woman. thats not what we are talking about. its that generally speaking i don't think a lot of women no matter their size care for having their bodies separated from who they are. is it important to you to do that? i'm not being sarcastic, just really trying to understand your point. i worry that guys get the wrong idea here. they spend lots of time talking to web models and looking at paysites but i don't feel a lot of guys are at all interested in a what a real fat woman who isn't saying what she says for reasons other than money. it may not be true but thats my impression. tell me if i'm wrong.


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## mossystate (Apr 20, 2011)

Fox said:


> But BBW on this site usually do that all the time. When I'm in the FA forum, most comments are made by fat women, usually also saying the "FAs don't love me for me and only my body", oh, you know, same old broken record. A lot of the time, the BBW go over the the FA thread and tell FAs all that same stuff, so I really can't take pride in it there either. And I figured since a bunch of guys (who are obviously not fat women) are here making points, I thought I could at least quote Ann Marie on such a fine statement she made, since the site wouldn't let me give her rep.



Then REPORT the posts. I have reported some of the posts in this thread. This is supposed to be a space, and many threads in particular, where fat women can post without the scolds _or_ the positives from people who are not fat women. 
I don't post in the fa forum, and I can't post in others, for reasons I don't know. Because you see other fat women who are not fas ( remember, if they are also fas, they CAN post there ) over there you are going to come here and do the same? REPORT posts if you feel they do not belong. You might not see them removed, but it is better than doing a neener-neener. 

Usually do that all the time. Alrighty.


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## superodalisque (Apr 20, 2011)

i posted in the FA forum and was banned over there.


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## PeanutButterfly (Apr 21, 2011)

I dont have anyone to quote specifically but just a comment on the general way this thread has unfolded. 

1.) Thank you so much for everyone who has responded. I love hearing your opinions on why you chose to date an FA and why you wouldn't/haven't ect.

2.) Sometimes I think we (especially here on Dims) like to fool ourselves into believing physical appearance doesn't matter. It does, it always will, at least in the beginning of a relationship. I've never had a man approach me and say "It was your cunning wit and deep insight that instantly attracted me to you!" It's rare, especially in the college environment that I frequent. Maybe this changes once the frat neanderthals change into men but from media and speaking with older women it doesnt seem like a reality. For this reason I think it's a little unfair to penalize FAs for having an attraction. Everyone has something that makes them sigh and think "that person is a beautiful specimen of humanity" whether it be muscles, red hair or long legs. I do think it's wrong for a man, _any man (or woman for that matter)_ to only be interested in a partner for sex. Everyone wants to be valued as a human being and for their personality. 

But a relationship without sexual attraction is just a friendship. I know this having been friends with many many men who couldnt get past my size. Ive had people tell me they would date me if I was thinner but I'm not their "type". This happens to fat girls all the time. Why do we expect FAs to be any less human? I guess my point is there is no "Juli Admirer" out there. There is no one who is going to look at me and instantly see my beautiful personality and ignore my outer shell. Its not human nature. There are men out there who see "chubby blonde chick" and if thats what they're into they might ask me out. Then once they get to know me maybe they do turn into "Juli Admirers". I'd just rather be with someone who likes my outsides as much as my insides and isnt just "settling".

Synopsis since I tend to ramble:
Not all FA's are creepy "I ONLY VANT YOUR FAT" skeezeballs
Human sexuality is initiatally based on looks, why do we try to kid ourselves?
Relationships are based on much much more, but every relationship begins with an attraction. 
I prefer my partner's attraction to be chubby blonde chicks


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## PeanutButterfly (Apr 21, 2011)

As I thinking about my last post I may have stumbled upon my real question in all this: why is so important for us as fat women to be seen around our fat? Is it because society refuses to so we seek that quality out in a partner? Has your fat made you into the person you are today? If so (since it has for me and most who call themselves a BBW), how can we expect a partner to look past something that we use as a self definition?

Why is harder for us to say "I'm damn sexy and I deserve to be acknowledged BECAUSE I'm a (FAT) sexual being" than our skinny counterparts? Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm projecting the whole "whoa is me, fat girls always have it harder" attitude, seeing as I've never been conventionally hot so I wouldn't know if thin women face the same issues. I feel like if a guy calls me sexy or wants to be with me he should want to be with all of me, not just my boobs because theyre less fat than my hips. My fat is what made my hips so sexy, I think it's almost silly to ask a man to pretend thats not the case.

I know fat is just a part of who we are. I get that. But cant fat admiration and love for me as a person exist at the same time? Do they have to be mutually exclusive? Why does it have to be me or my fat? I mean it's 1 am so I'm just throwing ideas out there. And I'm genuinely interested in what other BBWs (and FAs, if you feel like you shouldn't respond here feel free to PM me  )think.


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## mossystate (Apr 21, 2011)

I rarely, if ever, see a fat woman out here saying they do not understand that physical attraction...sexual attraction...is important.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 21, 2011)

I can only answer this partially tonight because I'm headed for bed and have an early appt but here goes: I don't want to be seen for just what's under the fat. And I love that men love my body. Those who don't are fools but that's just me. 

I think that part of it is that socially or culturally at large (oy) we (general fat chick we) are dismissed outright or considered inferior solely because of our fat--and then to be celebrated because of the same thing--our fat--it's kinda the flip side of the same coin to a lot of us. You don't get a cookie cos you love the fat. Sorry. I mean--yeah there are a lot of fat women who will give you the cookie, but a lot of us, no. I have confidence, dignity and self-respect--I am a smart cookie. I am THAT cookie. 

Love and respect me, all of me is what I'm saying. You can say I'm sexy. You better also say (and believe) I'm smart, funny and deserving of every good thing in life based on the total package and not just adipose tissue. I personally like worship (I do reciprocate) but too many of us know men who just want to fuck the body because it's fat and they don't give a rat's ass what else is connected to it. To deny those men do not exist is disingenuous and an insult to every fat women who's experienced that anguish.


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 21, 2011)

All of my thin female friends also have experienced objectification and being used by men sexually (or men wanting to use them) for only their physical appearance. A shallow man, or a man who only wants a sexual connection and nothing more, is not unique to the FA community. Among men who like fat women are those who are huge a-holes, others who are kind of average, and then some really great guys.

Newsflash: this is true of men who like only thin women too.


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## superodalisque (Apr 21, 2011)

i think physical attraction is very important. sexuality is very important. no one is advocating for a relationship without sex over here even though there are lots of people right on this site who advocate for acts that come nowhere close to any fat person's sex organs where they too can be physically gratified, have no intention of touching a fat person's body at all and are even openly disgusted by porn actresses who mention that they might want to have more than one partner even in fantasy. i know that i am the last person who is against sex in the real. no one should deny themselves the pleasure of being attracted to and/or feeling attractive to someone else. my problem is the idea that a physical attraction is the end all and be all to a fat woman's life or to a fat man's life. it is only a beginning. to assign other things to a cursory physical attraction is useless. it takes more. if i make someone hard its not enough for me to sign my mind, body and spirit over. that would be a mistake. to rely on it as the only and most important thing in a relationship is short sighted, shallow, pitiful and sad. 

worrying about whether someone is an FA too much gives it a place it shouldn't have unless a person has the sense that they have nothing about them that makes them desirable and they view being fat as only being unwanted and undesirable. jumping at the first person who claims you are their type without ever thinking is a problem. people who think being sexually attractive to someone will solve all of their problems are in for disappointment. people who think the initials FA mean anything other than the person behind it is a man or a woman who is capable of anything any other man or woman is capable of is also mistaken. it makes about as much sense as thinking someone is in love with you because they say they like red and you happen to be wearing a red dress.


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## superodalisque (Apr 21, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> I can only answer this partially tonight because I'm headed for bed and have an early appt but here goes: I don't want to be seen for just what's under the fat. And I love that men love my body. Those who don't are fools but that's just me.
> 
> I think that part of it is that socially or culturally at large (oy) we (general fat chick we) are dismissed outright or considered inferior solely because of our fat--and then to be celebrated because of the same thing--our fat--it's kinda the flip side of the same coin to a lot of us. You don't get a cookie cos you love the fat. Sorry. I mean--yeah there are a lot of fat women who will give you the cookie, but a lot of us, no. I have confidence, dignity and self-respect--I am a smart cookie. I am THAT cookie.
> 
> Love and respect me, all of me is what I'm saying. You can say I'm sexy. You better also say (and believe) I'm smart, funny and deserving of every good thing in life based on the total package and not just adipose tissue. I personally like worship (I do reciprocate) but too many of us know men who just want to fuck the body because it's fat and they don't give a rat's ass what else is connected to it. To deny those men do not exist is disingenuous and an insult to every fat women who's experienced that anguish.



yeah baby!


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## superodalisque (Apr 21, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> All of my thin female friends also have experienced objectification and being used by men sexually (or men wanting to use them) for only their physical appearance. A shallow man, or a man who only wants a sexual connection and nothing more, is not unique to the FA community. Among men who like fat women are those who are huge a-holes, others who are kind of average, and then some really great guys.
> 
> Newsflash: this is true of men who like only thin women too.



exactly. so thats why men don't just get cookies for being men. they have to show something in their character thats cookie worthy.


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## TraciJo67 (Apr 21, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> I can only answer this partially tonight because I'm headed for bed and have an early appt but here goes: I don't want to be seen for just what's under the fat. And I love that men love my body. Those who don't are fools but that's just me.
> 
> I think that part of it is that socially or culturally at large (oy) we (general fat chick we) are dismissed outright or considered inferior solely because of our fat--and then to be celebrated because of the same thing--our fat--it's kinda the flip side of the same coin to a lot of us. You don't get a cookie cos you love the fat. Sorry. I mean--yeah there are a lot of fat women who will give you the cookie, but a lot of us, no. I have confidence, dignity and self-respect--I am a smart cookie. I am THAT cookie.
> 
> Love and respect me, all of me is what I'm saying. You can say I'm sexy. You better also say (and believe) I'm smart, funny and deserving of every good thing in life based on the total package and not just adipose tissue. I personally like worship (I do reciprocate) but too many of us know men who just want to fuck the body because it's fat and they don't give a rat's ass what else is connected to it. To deny those men do not exist is disingenuous and an insult to every fat women who's experienced that anguish.


 
Nail, meet hammer. Thank you for driving that point home so eloquently, CP. Wish I could have repped but blah blah blah. You know the drill


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## superodalisque (Apr 21, 2011)

TraciJo67 said:


> Nail, meet hammer. Thank you for driving that point home so eloquently, CP. Wish I could have repped but blah blah blah. You know the drill



don't worry. i got her


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## Mishty (Apr 21, 2011)

For a long time my first reaction to FA's was doubt. Doubt they wanted me, doubt they could want to keep me, doubt I turned them on, which is honestly more my issues than theirs, and lots of bogus doubt they weren't normal people. Now I've got loads of friends that call them selves FA's proudly and openly, and seeing it helps, knowing there are people not ashamed of me, of fat, of being attracted to me, helped me loads in coming to terms with being a fat woman that felt desirable and sexy, and never understood it was okay. 

However,think I prefer FA's that don't know the term, or need a label. I've met men and women in every day life that desire bigger mates, and don't feel the need to hash and re-hash, why, why, why? They like it, end of story. My girlfriend has dated fat men,skinny men, fat women, skinny women, and everything in between, she openly says she likes the feel of bigger women, she likes tummies, she likes kinky FA like things, and she's never heard the term. Before we had ever kissed or talked about taking things to another level, and were just best friends she loved to put her hands in my rolls, and would from time to time say & do things I recognized as FA like attitude.

I'll admit it took me years to even give her a chance, because without her undying devotion to fat and everything fat I wasn't sure she really wanted me, and some of those reservations came from years in the fat community, and how I had seen "real" admirers act. My biggest turn on, is to seriously turn on my partner, no matter what part of me does it.


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## penguin (Apr 21, 2011)

PeanutButterfly said:


> As I thinking about my last post I may have stumbled upon my real question in all this: why is so important for us as fat women to be seen around our fat?



I'm not an object, so don't objectify me. If you're only interested in my fat, you're not interested in _me_. If you're not interested in _me_, you get nothing.


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## Hathor (Apr 21, 2011)

I just want to be loved. 

Inside and out. :wubu:


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## PeanutButterfly (Apr 21, 2011)

penguin said:


> I'm not an object, so don't objectify me. If you're only interested in my fat, you're not interested in _me_. If you're not interested in _me_, you get nothing.



See I think this part of my post came out wrong. I am in no way shape or form condoning objectification. I just think its hard for someone to love me if they don't love my body/fat too. I'm not just the sum of my lovehandles obviously, but I refuse to ignore their existence. If a guy loves me he needs to love them too, not just "tolerate" them. Thats the kind of relationship I think is possible with an FA (although certainly not *always* the case).


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## superodalisque (Apr 22, 2011)

PeanutButterfly said:


> See I think this part of my post came out wrong. I am in no way shape or form condoning objectification. I just think its hard for someone to love me if they don't love my body/fat too. I'm not just the sum of my lovehandles obviously, but I refuse to ignore their existence. If a guy loves me he needs to love them too, not just "tolerate" them. Thats the kind of relationship I think is possible with an FA (although certainly not *always* the case).



i understand that point totally. i think we are all passing each other going in the same direction. i doubt there is any real disagreement. no one is saying they want their body disliked or only tolerated. all they are saying is they want it all. they want someone who is attracted to them and loves them or at least respects them as a person as well and they are not willing to make a trade off. having someone being physically attracted and emotionally attracted are not mutually exclusive. there doesn't have to be a choice between one or the other. a fat person can have both and generally wants both. sexual attraction is a part of love and affection for most couples. but attraction alone can leave a lot of people wanting a whole lot more. what i think people are worried about is engaging in double talk that makes it ok to ignore the person and focus only on the body while totally refusing to acknowledge all of the needs of fat people.


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## superodalisque (Apr 22, 2011)

Fox said:


> This is very true. From my experience, Dims is a FA positive site with a very FA negative light. I do not choose to distance myself from the term just to be socially acceptable. I do know most BBW wouldn't give me a chance knowing that I'm FA. But I'm certainly not going to let it stop me from taking joy in my identity.
> 
> 
> 
> It intrigues me that some people actually do this. What's even more intriguing is that people seem so accepting of that act. If a guy said, "I like boys, but I'm not gay." Even though that is possible (bisexuality), society doesn't accept that usually. I guess it's a good thing though about the term "FA". It's still fairly underground, so you don't have to be identified as a FA if you don't want to. I've had many people ask me if I was gay before but no one has EVER come up to me and asked, "Hey, are you a fat admirer? Because you so totally look like one of those people." XD



there are some problems with your argument.

BBWs do not have to accept the FA moniker and what it seems to stand for politically. its not a requirement but a choice. no one owes FAs anything in pay for their desires.

also, as long as i've been here, i was not aware that this was an FA site. but there are always different statements made so no one is ever quite sure. sometimes its SA sometimes not. i actually thought it was for fat people AND the people who admire them. it would be awfully hard for FAs to admire something that is not here and is not allowed to speak. but then again there are lots of people who actually feel thats possible. 

like as you said, the perception that society is so opposed to someone having a relationship with a fat woman in particular is pretty much as wrong headed and as prejudiced as whats in regular media. it just doesn't stand up to the test with it being so common to see so many BBWs in relationships and married. numbers alone oppose your assertions. gay people are only about 6.9% of the population--a distinct minority even if you double it. fat people are about 64% of americans . and they are definitely not all alone.

i think what may be a need for some FAs to feel so all alone and so few, what i call the FA myth, is what gives fat women in particular pause. women look all around them and see guys with fat women everyday all of the time. they are boyfriends , fiancees , husbands and fathers. people are often critical of someone else's SO for all kinds of reasons so disapproval is not all that unusual. to those folks it doesn't seem to be such a big burden to be with someone fat. so a lot of fat women in particular feel more comfortable being with someone who doesn't see her as a deficit in his life that he has to overcome or hide and that he needs a support system for like he is trying to kick a bad drug. unfortunately there are times when that outlook overpowers what should be something more celebratory

i really think lots more BBWs would have a whole lot less trouble with the designation if it was updated and cleaned up. right now the ethos is really old fashioned and kinda sexist if you ask me. but since there are lots who want to hold on to the woe is me thing and are refusing to actually listen to what women really want in favor of fantasy they are going to find that a lot of women are going to run the other way. its unfortunate but true. the saddest thing of all is how many guys will never understand where a woman is coming from. its not the FA title. its not always what you like thats a problem. its the outdated sexual and size politics that won't allow for a woman's truth and that discourages her from saying how she really feels and disallows her from having the same expectations as any other woman. most women i know who run from FAs are not running from the men themselves but the kind of disregard for her feelings as a woman that the culture seems to encourage.

i do try to explain what is at least my version of what i think FAs can do to be received better but some don't seem to want to listen or care even though i AM a BBW and i do wish them well. i truly do want them to be able to have what they want. unfortunately i think quite a few will continue failing on their journey if they don't start doing something new and having a different outlook about what it is they need to do to stop chasing women away that they really want. all i can do is say it honestly. i have nothing to lose by saying what i feel truthfully. i can't make anyone who doesn't want to listen. so if 80% of the women you're interested in , and probably the ones you are really attracted to who are actually the confident ones you say you want, keep running don't blame the folks who are trying honestly to help.

i want you to think about something. who benefits monetarily if you feel all alone in your attraction and you can't appeal to the real BBW down the street that you actually like? as in anything else, when someone is trying to shape your politics to your detriment follow the money. good luck young man.


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## Pitch (May 10, 2011)

Though I have, ah, "sewn my wild oats" with the best of them?

Sometimes its hard to believe or trust FA's exist with how weight obsessed America (and the world) is. Especially considering how prevalent male homosociality is when it comes to a man's partner "measuring up" to the standard. Before you crucify me see the "Wingman" standard. A buddy to take the skinny friend's fat chick so her,uh...fat doesnt get in the way of the buddy adding the more attractive notch to his belt and getting ass pats for it.

Because even with as much fun as I have had, I've experienced equal amounts of guys (never girls for some reason) being a complete shit to me and looking to cause pain because they liked me for one reason or another and couldn't deal with my weight. And even when they don't do that, you've still got the homosociality issue with those who treat you like something to be ashamed of until you both get behind closed doors. Experienced that one quite a bit! It got so bad I denied my bisexuality and claimed lesbianism just because the crap I got from men was so hurtful and such a turn-off. Lots of the old adage "If you lost weight/You'd be hot if/you should be lucky I like you, no one else will" crap. I kicked them to ye olde curb, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't internalize it. 

So, I've clearly got some trust issues though it's obvious that EVERYONE EVER isn't all "Skinny or no-go!" because I've been with the men who like my body just the way it is. Even when I didn't.

I guess against all experience and evidence I'm still in the 'doubt' phase.


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## darlingzooloo (May 12, 2011)

I think ultimately I just want it to be realized that we (every single person) is more than just the outer image, there's that thing inside that makes everyone who they are (call it spirit, soul,energy, whatever) and that the best happiness comes when someone appreciates you for that as well as your outer, because your outer shell is what is carrying around and protecting your inner being. 

I was having a girl chat with a friend today about my own image insecurity, not being the girl guys are drawn to whether online or in person, and she simply and profoundly told me she thought I was beautiful, and her sincerity warmed my heart and reminded me that I have really awesome beautiful people (inside and out) who care for me, whether or not I've ever been in a relationship, and that is a pretty awesome thing. 

....and I just ranted weirdly didn't I?:doh:


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## Shoshybear (May 13, 2011)

Personally, I've just had bad experiences with a feeder I met once... he didn't realize that my tummy is not an erogenous zone and literally did not travel anywhere else during the time I expected we'd be "hooking up." It disturbed me so much that he literally viewed me as a sex object and as such didn't care at all about my personal satisfaction, he liked tummies so gosh darn it all he was going to do was touch my tummy. 

As far as FAs are concerned... I want to be liked for me, and not my fat and my fear is that with FAs that's not going to be the case.


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## MisticalMisty (May 13, 2011)

Shoshybear said:


> As far as FAs are concerned... I want to be liked for me, and not my fat and my fear is that with FAs that's not going to be the case.



This is an age old debate around these parts. So many are under the misconception that FAs only see teh fat and not the person.

It's the simple law of attraction and chemistry. Everyone has a preference. 

I met my husband in the Dimensions Chat room. He enjoys the fat female form. He also loves my sense of humor, appreciates my intelligence and above all, he is a Misty admirer. 

It's different with him and other FAs I dated. FAs aren't some mythical creature. Yet, there is something amazing about being with a man that is attracted to all of me. He doesn't pick out the pieces and parts that he can try to be attracted to to make it work. He loves every roll, every dimple, my back fat, my thick thighs, my enormous tummy, my bat wing arms...he enjoys the feel of all of me and I love the feeling of knowing that he wants all of me.


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## fatgirlflyin (May 13, 2011)

Shoshybear said:


> Personally, I've just had bad experiences with a feeder I met once... he didn't realize that my tummy is not an erogenous zone and literally did not travel anywhere else during the time I expected we'd be "hooking up." It disturbed me so much that he literally viewed me as a sex object and as such didn't care at all about my personal satisfaction, he liked tummies so gosh darn it all he was going to do was touch my tummy.
> 
> As far as FAs are concerned... I want to be liked for me, and not my fat and my fear is that with FAs that's not going to be the case.




I think that's where communication comes into play. You get to know a person before you have sex with them and you kind of know what floats their boat and they should know what floats or sinks yours. If during the act something isn't feeling right, say so. If the other person doesn't care enough to take your satisfaction into consideration you get up and leave, in the middle of sex or not. 

Also that behavior happens with guys who aren't FA's too, some guys focus only on boobs or butt, the woman just has to be comfortable enough to demand what she wants.


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## CastingPearls (May 13, 2011)

fatgirlflyin said:


> snip/
> 
> Also that behavior happens with guys who aren't FA's too



While I agree with your entire post I especially agree with this part. Many men (and women) objectify their partners. It's not limited to fat people by any stretch of the imagination.


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## olwen (May 14, 2011)

Shoshybear said:


> Personally, I've just had bad experiences with a feeder I met once... he didn't realize that my tummy is not an erogenous zone and literally did not travel anywhere else during the time I expected we'd be "hooking up." It disturbed me so much that he literally viewed me as a sex object and as such didn't care at all about my personal satisfaction, he liked tummies so gosh darn it all he was going to do was touch my tummy.
> 
> As far as FAs are concerned... I want to be liked for me, and not my fat and my fear is that with FAs that's not going to be the case.





fatgirlflyin said:


> I think that's where communication comes into play. You get to know a person before you have sex with them and you kind of know what floats their boat and they should know what floats or sinks yours. If during the act something isn't feeling right, say so. If the other person doesn't care enough to take your satisfaction into consideration you get up and leave, in the middle of sex or not.
> 
> Also that behavior happens with guys who aren't FA's too, some guys focus only on boobs or butt, the woman just has to be comfortable enough to demand what she wants.



I agree totally. They're not all obsessed with bellies, and not all FAs behave this way. They're just like other guys in that some are very giving and attentive lovers and some not so much. Either way you have to be able to say what you need and want and if they are unwilling to give you what you need and want then walk away.


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## fuphinator (May 14, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> While I agree with your entire post I especially agree with this part. Many men (and women) objectify their partners. It's not limited to fat people by any stretch of the imagination.



I second this! Relationships are a pain!


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## darlingzooloo (May 15, 2011)

Hathor said:


> I just want to be loved.
> 
> Inside and out. :wubu:



This. :wubu:


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## aztecprinc3ss (Dec 12, 2011)

I don't find it disturbing but I have this mind set that if a guy would like my body type if it changed would he leave me? Or does he really like me? Or did he make a bet with his friends or something? It's just the type of things that cross my mind particularly I don't know about the rest of the girls...


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## lushluv (Dec 12, 2011)

Hathor said:


> I just want to be loved.
> 
> Inside and out. :wubu:



_Yes._ Why is that so hard to find?


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## AmyJo1976 (Dec 12, 2011)

I haven't had much experience with FAs yet, or at least that I know of. So I can't give a true opinion on them. The ones I have met so far seem very sweet, but it has been a limited interaction. Anyways, relationships, as in all walks of life, should have a few common interests; First of all to be loved, to have a mutual satisfaction with each other, and to strive for something bigger together than you would have separate. Whether they are obsessed with your belly, your butt, or just your smile. In the end there has to be something special between the two of you for it to work. Remember, we are all women and deserve to be treated as such. Just my two cents and I probably got a little bit off the topic, but so be it


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## 1love_emily (Dec 13, 2011)

When I first started talking to Derek (over Facebook, lame, I know.) He told me that he thought my profile picture was cute. The photo showed me and my gorgeous, blonde, supermodel-esque friend... I didn't have to heart to lie to him, so I told him that I was indeed the awkward, pimply, fat, brunette one. Yet he told me that I was the one he was looking at. 

Quite honestly, I thought he was lying. I couldn't stand to look at myself, and I didn't think anyone else could either. For a really long time, I just kind of played along, whilst working out and trying to lose weight. (Of course, a diagnosis of hypothyroidism made it so that it's really hard for me to loose weight, so the diet/exercise thing stopped haha)

After a couple different toils in our friendship, he finally showed me what Dims was. He explained it to me and taught me the lingo and got me into it. Of course, I had to wait a while before I could really be part of the community. Nonetheless, that's how I got here.

But my reaction to an FA was pretty negative. I thought he was going to be one of those guys girls write songs about - how he led me on, used me, hurt me, and left me. But Derek hasn't been like that at all. He's really helped me become myself and start to love myself. If he hadn't showed me that others can love me, I don't think I would love myself. 

I don't have a family that supports fatness, all though everyone in my family is fat. I know his family doesn't support fatness. But as long as I have him, I don't feel the need to hate myself or change myself. And if things don't work out long term between us, he's really shown me that I can be beautiful, cute, and sexy... all three adjectives I once believed I would never fit under.


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## des256 (Mar 17, 2013)

My reaction to your reaction to FAs

I'm an FA, or atleast I used to be, I think...

I like fat chicks, and I've dated a few, but I've somewhat shyed away from the whole thing by two things:

- Some fat girls turn their size-acceptance problem into such an enormous issue, that it overshadows prettymuch everything else in the world. This made me frown quite a bit, and, I could not really deal with it. How can a size issue be so much more important than a fun trip, a great hobby or an intellectual pursuit? Maybe it's just me, but I really don't get it, and it seems like a huge waste of time to me.

- So I like fat girls. For the majority of people this means that I like unhealthy lifestyles (I know the story about fat having nothing to do with health, but the majority of people don't) or I let myself go too much with the whole curves thing, I'd be some kind of freak. I am tired of having to talk _that_ talk with everyone.

So do I like fat girls because they are fat? No, but, like someone suggested earlier, if their life revolves around disliking their bodies, then I'm the only source of liking the fat, and this will be what she and everyone else picks up on.

Maybe that is interesting insight


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## superodalisque (Mar 17, 2013)

des256 said:


> My reaction to your reaction to FAs
> 
> I'm an FA, or atleast I used to be, I think...
> 
> ...



so how do you feel about the idea of being the only source? and what happens if you have to move on for some reason that has absolutely nothing to do with size and all of someone's reason to like themselves was only through you and what others like you thought?


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## KittyKitten (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't have a problem with FAs, I only have a problem with the closet ones or the ones who think lowly of larger women but would smash them, "as a last resort" as if bbws are less than. You know, those arrogant pigs that think they have a reputation to protect. Other than that, I love FAs.


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## des256 (Mar 18, 2013)

superodalisque said:


> so how do you feel about the idea of being the only source? and what happens if you have to move on for some reason that has absolutely nothing to do with size and all of someone's reason to like themselves was only through you and what others like you thought?



I think it is unfair and very unhealthy for anyone to develop that much attachment to an idea. It makes me question the girl's age. Fat girls are not exempt from having to grow up and taking responsibility. Does said girl really not want to be loved for her personality or achievements? Does she not have any other good things in life? Can she not find anything else to like about herself, other than being fat, or a guy liking her fat?

And if you turn that perspective on it's head again, does being an FA mean that we like girls that are as insecure or immature as you describe?


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## JDavis (Mar 19, 2013)

I have been plus size most of my 50 years of life and only found out about FAs in the past few years. When I was young I dated mostly men who wanted me to lose weight even though I was around 15% body fat; just very tall and muscular. I broke up with several men over just that issue. I recently got separated and have been dating FAs and it is so refreshing!! It doesn't bother me since I have always felt my size was ok and only other people had problems with it, not me, but it still does surprise me ALL the time.

My gay male friend and confidant always seems to think that FAs have an ulterior motive. I think in part it is his fat phobia but also he worries that they won't like me for me. Maybe the good part of being fat at this point in history, when it is unfashionable, is that we will more often meet men who are confident enough to not treat women like luxury cars and are unafraid to say what they like even if it is not in fashion. Maybe we will even meet men who like us for our personality. But sadly, I think men like women more for their body then women like men for their body. This is true no matter what your size and just as disturbing. Something to accept though. It makes biological sense to me however

I have been reading "The Rules For Dating" books and they talk extensively about how women must accept that relationships will only work if you are his type. That is true whether he prefers tall skinny blondes or short stocky brunettes. So no matter what your type, if you have a crush on a guy and you are not his type it will not work out well and you need to just move on.

I figure if 65% of women in America are plus size (size 14 and up) then 65% of men must be FAs since the majority of those women are in a sexual relationship. 

And to those who say plus size is unhealthy, look into fat percent. Maybe even go get a water test since fat calipers and bioelectric monitors don't work well on people with large muscles relative to height. I am a size 22 but am in the normal range for fat percent for my age and gender. 

And as a scientist most of those studies that say fat is unhealthy are so biased and poorly constructed...run by the diet and fitness industry so that weight loss surgery and plans can be paid for with medical money. Big scam.


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## olwen (Mar 22, 2013)

des256 said:


> My reaction to your reaction to FAs
> 
> I'm an FA, or atleast I used to be, I think...
> 
> ...



Well, what do you mean by "size acceptance problem?" Are you talking about the actual discrimination, bullying, harassment that we sometimes have to deal with or are you talking about someone who doesn't accept their bodies to the point of distraction?


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## des256 (Mar 22, 2013)

Hmm, maybe I should nuance myself a bit. Sorry about that.

I think I mean both. Reaction to bullying and harassment, as well as not accepting ones body. Acceptance is sometimes really the only way to live, and getting phased by bullying is not really a good idea either.


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## CaAggieGirl (Mar 22, 2013)

I was very wary of my first FA. I am still new on the size acceptance movement and the different way of thinking is very hard for me to accept. I have let my guard down somewhat, but I still haven't got my head around how they think.


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## des256 (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm curious, why was your guard up to begin with?


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## olwen (Mar 23, 2013)

des256 said:


> Hmm, maybe I should nuance myself a bit. Sorry about that.
> 
> I think I mean both. Reaction to bullying and harassment, as well as not accepting ones body. Acceptance is sometimes really the only way to live, and getting phased by bullying is not really a good idea either.



It's not realistic to expect people who deal with bullying and discrimination on a regular basis to not be affected by it. 

As for the other, well I wouldn't be friends with someone who had low self-esteem let alone date them. It's too exhausting. But let's not assume all fat people hate themselves either.


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## des256 (Mar 23, 2013)

I just read the explaination on FAs on your blog. Very nice! I think I agree.


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## superodalisque (Mar 23, 2013)

i think it's also very unrealistic and nonconstructive for someone to stay stuck in reacting to their abuse their entire life. the whole idea is to extract those feelings from our lives and not to let them control and overcome us totally. absolutely everyone has been bullied and abused by someone about something at some time. if people feel that isn't true they really are probably not that in touch with the suffering of others. it's troubling that there are people around who make abuse their entire focus and lose perspective to the point that they feel the are absolutely the only ones it's ever happened to and that abuse is the only thing in their life. IMO that person is waaay too self absorbed.

there is a war on all human beings in the media in order for companies to sell stuff. they hate on us if we're fat, thin, pretty, ugly, dumb, smart or even perfect. it doesn't matter to them. it's all about breaking us all down into something they can control and manipulate and not about our human content and value at all. if we're okay what do we really need to buy? nothing. worse part is we join in and do their work for them by agreeing to internalize this bs. at some point we have to take control of and responsibility for the way me handle things. absolutely everyone is being victimized in some way. in order to be free all of us really have to work hard to stop giving people and negative comments so much power to define us and to control our feelings and lives so much. no matter how much we want it to the world is not going to suddenly make nice tomorrow. at some point, even though we should always fight for our own rights and those of others, we still need to grow up and get over it if we're going to ever be able to take any real pleasure in all of the good things out there that are waiting for us.


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## superodalisque (Mar 23, 2013)

i saw this today and i think it speaks volumes 

View attachment 1629_482410521812401_844146671_n.jpg


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## bigmac (Mar 24, 2013)

CaAggieGirl said:


> *I was very wary of my first FA*. I am still new on the size acceptance movement and the different way of thinking is very hard for me to accept. I have let my guard down somewhat, but I still haven't got my head around how they think.



I had this "wary" reaction from many women over the years. They don't believe that you find them physically attractive and think you're playing some angle (i.e. trying to take advantage of the poor fat girl in some way). Its actually very annoying from the FA's perspective.


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## CastingPearls (Mar 24, 2013)

bigmac said:


> I had this "wary" reaction from many women over the years. They don't believe that you find them physically attractive and think you're playing some angle (i.e. trying to take advantage of the poor fat girl in some way). Its actually very annoying from the FA's perspective.


Well, in my case, I had a lot of instances where boys in the neighborhood or school ask me out or pretended to like me because they were put up to it by their buddies (and sometimes girls in the group) as a prank to make fun of the fat girl. Some of these guys I later found out did actually like me but would never date me due to peer pressure. So when a guy seriously liked me and asked me out, I was absolutely suspicious, paranoid and extremely wary of them and their motives. No matter how much confidence I have in myself, there are STILL men who are closeted who will approach clandestinely or openly only if no one is around but have been reluctant to introduce me to friends, family, or go to public places and alarm bells go off because of all my first experiences with the opposite sex, even if they have a legitimate reason although I've yet to meet many who do.


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## bigmac (Mar 24, 2013)

CastingPearls said:


> Well, in my case, I had a lot of instances where boys in the neighborhood or school ask me out or pretended to like me because they were put up to it by their buddies (and sometimes girls in the group) as a prank to make fun of the fat girl. Some of these guys I later found out did actually like me but would never date me due to peer pressure. So when a guy seriously liked me and asked me out, I was absolutely suspicious, paranoid and extremely wary of them and their motives. No matter how much confidence I have in myself, there are STILL men who are closeted who will approach clandestinely or openly only if no one is around but have been reluctant to introduce me to friends, family, or go to public places and alarm bells go off because of all my first experiences with the opposite sex, even if they have a legitimate reason although I've yet to meet many who do.



Logically and rationally I understand where these women were coming from. However, emotionally it still stings to have your motives constantly questioned.

A female friend -- on a rather negative day -- told me that by seeking relationships with fat women I was preying upon the vulnerable -- she later retracted the statement, but still.

Note: anyone who knows my wife knows she's about as far from a poor, weak, vulnerable woman as its possible to get.


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## superodalisque (Mar 24, 2013)

bigmac said:


> Logically and rationally I understand where these women were coming from. However, emotionally it still stings to have your motives constantly questioned.
> 
> A female friend -- on a rather negative day -- told me that by seeking relationships with fat women I was preying upon the vulnerable -- she later retracted the statement, but still.
> 
> Note: anyone who knows my wife knows she's about as far from a poor, weak, vulnerable woman as its possible to get.



and this is exactly why a woman needs to work on herself from the inside out first and not wait for a guy to make her feel "okay" with herself. then she won't always be questioning why a guy thinks she's attractive. it saves everybody lots of problems.


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## EvilPrincess (Mar 24, 2013)

Need to nudge this thread back on topic..... understand the feelings from both sides.... please leave this thread to the Ladies of the forum. 

Much appreciated.

EP-moderator


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## Oona (Mar 26, 2013)

I've never had the experience of interacting with an FA other than on Dims. I have a feeling that my first time even just talking to an FA would be weird (not bad weird, just... weird) only because it would be a new experience for me. 

I believe in the saying "To Each Their Own" and that includes preferences for attraction.


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## superodalisque (May 13, 2013)

as long as the person expresses honest emotions and feelings and isn't just trying to use me for their own benefit i don't mind whether they're an FA or not. someone who avoids being labeled is personally more attractive to me. i don't date groups or sectors of society. i date an individual person.


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## gogogal (Aug 1, 2013)

In my mind, this is about self-acceptance, pure and simple. If you can't see yourself as desireable (whether you're a sz 2 or a 22) then naturally you will be weary of any one else who seemingly finds you attractive. 

Rationally I do know that my plus size apple shape is not everyone's cup-of-tea, but I also tend to think I'm pretty damn cute and assume automatically that everyone else thinks so too. If they don't.... my mind kinda thinks, "what's wrong with you?" as opposed to "what's wrong with me?"

I tend to see attractiveness in a wide variety of people and things so perhaps I assume others do too. Or maybe I have a deluded sense of over-confidence. Or a combination of both... anyway I don't know but let's just say I do alright when it comes to the opposite sex but I definitely think that is directly related to the fact that I really really love myself.


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## pinuplola (Aug 1, 2013)

i think that confidence is key

i was actually a small girl (about 130lbs)until i started dating my now husband who is a feeder and a fa. so now im fat and i feel just as confident if not more so than i did then

i think that feeling beautiful is all about perspective to me and to my husband bigger is better not all people feel this way which is understandable

i think alot of ladies are beautiful in their own right. small, big, medium. everyone should take a min to think about what they like about theirself and know that u are worth loving. 

i dont understand the stigma behind being admired by fas as i find it to be flattering but i like everyone else have had a different life.


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## superodalisque (Aug 1, 2013)

confidence means knowing that you have choices


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 1, 2013)

superodalisque said:


> confidence means knowing that you have choices



Good way to put it- I think that confidence within a person can change/grow over time. 
Sometimes I feel more confident in one realm more than another. 

I think Lola is right about feeling beautiful is a matter of perspective- 

Personally, I have also found that it can also be a matter of the company I keep.


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## superodalisque (Aug 1, 2013)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Good way to put it- I think that confidence within a person can change/grow over time.
> Sometimes I feel more confident in one realm more than another.
> 
> I think Lola is right about feeling beautiful is a matter of perspective-
> ...



exactly. anyone of either stripe can either help build a woman up or help to break her down. it depends on the person. it doesn't matter what he calls himself.


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## moonvine (Aug 25, 2013)

I don't consider the guy I am with now a fat admirer. He has a prefer)ence for "a bigger girl" as he puts it but also finds thin women attractive. He also doesn't try to force/encourage me to eat more than I want to (unless I am in the hospital or something - which actually did happen - they would not let me leave until I started eating). Anyway we have plenty of issues and have for years, but my weight is not among them. 

Funny story - when I met him in college I thought he was not attracted to me because of my weight - I was maybe a 14/16 then. I was always trying to starve myself for him. Which never works and would have had the opposite of the intended effect. Oh well, that was 1986 anyway!


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## AmyJo1976 (Sep 8, 2013)

FA's are few and far in between. I have yet to meet one in my everyday life. It's either been on here or some other forum. It's hard enough to find a good man, when you put the stipulation of FA into the mix, it makes it very rare indeed. But how else will we find happiness?


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## SprocketRocket (Sep 8, 2013)

des256 said:


> I think it is unfair and very unhealthy for anyone to develop that much attachment to an idea.* It makes me question the girl's age. Fat girls are not exempt from having to grow up and taking responsibility. Does said girl really not want to be loved for her personality or achievements? Does she not have any other good things in life? Can she not find anything else to like about herself, other than being fat, or a guy liking her fat?*
> 
> And if you turn that perspective on it's head again, does being an FA mean that we like girls that are as insecure or immature as you describe?



Totally agree! _Some_ of the women of size.. act like they are 12, sometimes...


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## FatAndProud (Jun 18, 2014)

FAs are like old gym socks. Worn and tired...and they stink. I've lost weight due to life's pressures and have been pushed aside for a fatter woman. It breaks my heart, but I'm tired of looking for these guys. Their intentions are not pure. Date a man with a good heart and a great personality. They will learn to love your body if they fall in love with your mind, first.


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## loopytheone (Jun 18, 2014)

I don't think that being an FA is mutually exclusive with being a good person... just that most people out there, FA or not, are assholes. So as a consequence most FA are assholes too. The trick is to find ones who aren't... I mean, seriously, they are just men. Just like you can't group all fat women together and say certain personality traits belong to every single one of them you can't do the same to FA, at least in my opinion...

I guess I am in a somewhat unusual position of being a BBW and a FFA so I can see both sides. I know that I don't use BHM or just like them for their weight or search out the very biggest ones... and I know that not all FA do this either as some of them are my friends. I've actually never had anyone only interested in my size but I think that is because I am smaller, and for some reason the smaller you are the less you are seen as 'just fetish material', if that makes any sense? Anyway, I'm rambling.


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## FatAndProud (Jun 18, 2014)

Labeling yourself an FA immediately sexualizes the object of your admiration, period. That's never good.


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## Saisha (Jun 18, 2014)

I've been thinking about how to answer this question - I have not read all the responses so I do not know if a similar opinion has been posted or not - I've always been shocked inside to be honest and looking back, somewhat stupid for not being more open to opportunity - I'm 5'10 and if a FA has acted interested and it is someone I don't really know, they tend to be shorter than I am or at least close to my own height - used to I was more attracted to taller men but I've noticed the past few years, I'm changing my mind - which is a good thing - if it is someone I have known for awhile, there has usually been a mutual interest - I am extremely reserved by nature and when I have gotten to know and trust someone over a longish period of time, it melts me and makes me feel "normal" - that I am being shown the interest and all just not based on the structure on the outside but who I am inside. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know - I just....when it happens, it's like - are you serious? you could choose anyone.......deep down I guess at times I just haven't felt deserving of it. 

Yeah, I'm another one with self-acceptance issues. :blink::doh:


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## bigmac (Jun 18, 2014)

FatAndProud said:


> FAs are like old gym socks. Worn and tired...and they stink. I've lost weight due to life's pressures and have been pushed aside for a fatter woman. It breaks my heart, but I'm tired of looking for these guys. Their intentions are not pure. Date a man with a good heart and a great personality. They will learn to love your body if they fall in love with your mind, first.



There is indeed some strange stuff that happens in the BBW/FA world -- especially the SSBBW/SSFA world. And every time people try to talk about it here the thread gets shut down. While there are lots of guys of all stripes whose intentions are far from pure there are also lots of ordinary guys out there who happen to like fat women. Most wouldn't identify as FAs. Indeed the term isn't used outside the size acceptance community. I'm think that the guys you're having problems with are the guys for who a woman's fatness is the only thing that matter as opposed to guys who are looking for the whole package size large.

I'd warn you away from the idea that guys can learn to love a body that's outside their preference range. I tried it -- for two years I dated a very sweet woman who didn't really do it for me physically -- I wasn't her type either -- we gave it our best effort but in the end you cannot override basic instincts. That said I'm confident you'll find a guy whose into both your mind and body. Smart edgy women of any size are always in short supply.


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## PeanutButterfly (Jun 18, 2014)

FatAndProud said:


> Labeling yourself an FA immediately sexualizes the object of your admiration, period. That's never good.



I, respectfully, disagree with this statement. As someone who is a BBW and an FFA like loopy I have a somewhat unique perspective. I label myself as an FFA because it's what I am; I admire fat on pretty much anyone. I find it beautiful and sexy and honestly some other feeling that I can't quite identify but what I would call "right", maybe if I had to label it. It's not something I can shut off or change. It just is a part of my identity, maybe even more so than my BBW-ness. 

I reject the idea that this preference is somehow detrimental to myself or a fat partner. It's just what I like. As in any adult relationship there is a sexual component. How do you have a sexual relationship with sexualizing your partner? The same way a man sees a pair of boobs, which are only meant to produce milk, and sexualizes them, I too see a fat belly and sexualize it. You have to sexualize your partner and what you love about them in order to have sex. What is the alternative, a bed sheet with a hole? I'm not trying to be cheeky (at least not too badly ) but I don't think many women have a problem with men sexualizing their breasts or ass but their fat is a different story. It's just another piece of sexiness. It exists. It turns your partner on. It's automatically sexualized when you consent to be with your partner. When you consent to having sex with someone you are sexualizing each other, FA couple, non-FA couple, whatever. And you can't tell your partner which parts of you they're allowed to find attractive. Often times the reason people sleep with one another is because they find the whole person attractive. Asking someone to ignore your belly or thighs because you don't like them or feel they serve a sexual purpose a. doesn't work because how do you ever really know what caused that erection and b. is just unfair. You can't expect someone to only fall in love or sexualize the specific parts you deem acceptable. 

Now objectify is a totally different story. No one wants to be objectified and only seen as the sum of their fat or breasts or pick whatever adjective you want. That's not love or a relationship. That's just sex. And it happens in the non-FA population too, every single day. It might seem like there are more FA's who do this but I just think those are unfortunately the most vocal ones. I never want to be objectified, hence why I ignore those particular FAs, but as a human being I need to be sexualized and sexualize my partner in return. That's not an FA trait, its a human one.


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## superodalisque (Jun 19, 2014)

PeanutButterfly said:


> I, respectfully, disagree with this statement. As someone who is a BBW and an FFA like loopy I have a somewhat unique perspective. I label myself as an FFA because it's what I am; I admire fat on pretty much anyone. I find it beautiful and sexy and honestly some other feeling that I can't quite identify but what I would call "right", maybe if I had to label it. It's not something I can shut off or change. It just is a part of my identity, maybe even more so than my BBW-ness.
> 
> I reject the idea that this preference is somehow detrimental to myself or a fat partner. It's just what I like. As in any adult relationship there is a sexual component. How do you have a sexual relationship with sexualizing your partner? The same way a man sees a pair of boobs, which are only meant to produce milk, and sexualizes them, I too see a fat belly and sexualize it. You have to sexualize your partner and what you love about them in order to have sex. What is the alternative, a bed sheet with a hole? I'm not trying to be cheeky (at least not too badly ) but I don't think many women have a problem with men sexualizing their breasts or ass but their fat is a different story. It's just another piece of sexiness. It exists. It turns your partner on. It's automatically sexualized when you consent to be with your partner. When you consent to having sex with someone you are sexualizing each other, FA couple, non-FA couple, whatever. And you can't tell your partner which parts of you they're allowed to find attractive. Often times the reason people sleep with one another is because they find the whole person attractive. Asking someone to ignore your belly or thighs because you don't like them or feel they serve a sexual purpose a. doesn't work because how do you ever really know what caused that erection and b. is just unfair. You can't expect someone to only fall in love or sexualize the specific parts you deem acceptable.
> 
> Now objectify is a totally different story. No one wants to be objectified and only seen as the sum of their fat or breasts or pick whatever adjective you want. That's not love or a relationship. That's just sex. And it happens in the non-FA population too, every single day. It might seem like there are more FA's who do this but I just think those are unfortunately the most vocal ones. I never want to be objectified, hence why I ignore those particular FAs, but as a human being I need to be sexualized and sexualize my partner in return. That's not an FA trait, its a human one.



if that's all someone feels they have to offer a fat person or all the fat person has to offer them, then yeah that's detrimental. and not only that it's down right boring.


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## PeanutButterfly (Jun 19, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> if that's all someone feels they have to offer a fat person or all the fat person has to offer them, then yeah that's detrimental. and not only that it's down right boring.



Right but sex is an important, hugely important, component to any healthy relationship. Just because you're an FA doesn't mean that sex is somehow more or less important than any other population of people. If it is, well that's an individual issue not an FA one.


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## FatAndProud (Jun 19, 2014)

PeanutButterfly said:


> Right but sex is an important, hugely important, component to any healthy relationship. Just because you're an FA doesn't mean that sex is somehow more or less important than any other population of people. If it is, well that's an individual issue not an FA one.



FAs hardly like sex. Without belly, there is no sex.


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## PeanutButterfly (Jun 19, 2014)

This may be true but again you could say that for any body part. For most men without breasts there is no sex. For me, I would have a hard time being with a man who was significantly smaller than me so short guys means no sex. No arms would also be a hard one. I mean you get it. Unless you (rhetorical you) are only interested in purely penis to vagina sex, then there are always other body parts involved. My point is that women are often times more comfortable with these other body parts being sexualized because it's what society has deemed "normal". Perhaps they agree and find some sexual arousal from those body parts as well, in which case, wonderful! Find someone who agrees with your idea of sexiness. But just because someone has a different range of body parts they find sexually arousing doesn't mean they're a weird or harmful human being. It's the exact same thing "normal" people do. The idea that a man should only be turned on by some parts instead of all is just odd to me. But often times that's how my fellow fat ladies seem to feel. I think thin women typically don't give this that much thought. Or maybe they do? But I don't know any of my thinner friends who would be so hurt and offended and creeper out if a guy found the curve of their waist or tiny ankles or big boobs a turn on. They're just part of why the guy was attracted to them in the first place.


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## FatAndProud (Jun 19, 2014)

I doubt a non-FA would break up with me if I lost an arm (must've been a horrific accident) or if I had invasive ductal carcinoma of the breast and lost my boobs. However, time and time again I'm left by these FA because they find someone fatter. I feel bad for those so focused on weight because you can never love the person inside.


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## lucca23v2 (Jun 19, 2014)

I have read just about every post in this thread. I find a few things interesting and completely crazy. Not all FA's are completely about the fat. There is a thread on Dims about FA's that married non-BBWs. That should be proof enough that not all FA's are only after men/women because of their fat. Also not all FA's are fetishist. A fetish is a sexual attraction to something that normally doesn't play a role in human sexuality. Seeing as how the human body is part of the norman human sexuality, all body parts, whether fat or not fall outside of the realm of being a fetish.

*The definition of fetish:*http://www.crsh.com/fetish/

Now, sticking to the original topic, For me it is all the same. I think that where there might be a difference is in small things. Yes a FA might appreciate my body more, but it is because it is something they ar already use to. Where as a non-FA it is new to them and need to explore. You will see a difference in how an FA will plan dates as oppose to non FA's, ie. looking for fun things to do with not a lot of walking involved, or if there is a lot of walking involved, they will pick a path that has many places where they can sit, pick restaurants or theaters where seats tend to be roomier, etc. Non-FA's normally don't think about things like this because they have not really experienced dating or being with a big person and therefore the thought that seats might be small, or that a bigger person might need to rest more on long walks, it would never occur to them. Outside of things like the afore mentioned, I have really seen no difference in dating or having a relationship with FA's or non-FA's. You just have to find people who have things in common with you that spark that good chemistry. If things go well and there is some romantic/sexual chemistry, then great. if not, then maybe you made a friend, and at worst, you found out things you don't like in a partner.


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## superodalisque (Jun 20, 2014)

PeanutButterfly said:


> Right but sex is an important, hugely important, component to any healthy relationship. Just because you're an FA doesn't mean that sex is somehow more or less important than any other population of people. If it is, well that's an individual issue not an FA one.




sex is important alright, but everything has it's place in a relationship. it's like tantric sex, everything you do feeds into having a great sexlife. it's how you treat someone 24/7 whether stupid or caring. i'm sorry but people going on and on about the same old thing all the time is a sex killer. it might be a cute novelty for a minute for someone who hasn't had much sex or romance or hasn't felt very desired. after that you feel like telling them to shut the hell up, stop talking and concentrate on doing and also to branch out. 

i find that a lot of guys who are always talking about sex are generally pretty awful at it. unfortunately people who fetishize stuff are pretty good talkers. sex isn't about talk. it's about doing and experiencing. people who waste all of that time fantasizing and pontificating aren't going to invest the time they should in real sex so they end up being horrible lovers. guys ho are great lovers don't talk about it much. they setup the tantric mood without even saying much so that by the time he touches you you are really ready. but these guys always talking and theorizing are like nerdy high school kids. they don't have a clue.

unfortunately because of a lack of experience a lot of people don't even realize what awful lovers they have or what awful lovers they are. some guys don't understand why experienced fat women turn the down flat when they approach them on the street. they blame it on insecurity but a woman with experience can easily tell when a guy is clueless. the ones who are always living in some kind of fantasy world role playing and talking are pretty out of touch with their bodies compared to what they could be if they ever just let themselves get lost in the experience. and that's why they often need to be someone or something else, whether that is a character or some kind of a label, other than just themselves in order to enjoy sex. they are afraid of really letting go. they have low self esteem and are afraid to be their real selves. they have to control every last aspect of everything happening all of the time. 

as they say in the movie Dune "Fear is the mind killer". i would also say fear is the sex killer as in fear of what society thinks, fear of what your partner thinks, fear of your partner's big parts. IMO a dependence on labeling and group think in and of itself and the self othering in and of itself stinks of nothing but fear.


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## superodalisque (Jun 20, 2014)

FatAndProud said:


> I doubt a non-FA would break up with me if I lost an arm (must've been a horrific accident) or if I had invasive ductal carcinoma of the breast and lost my boobs. However, time and time again I'm left by these FA because they find someone fatter. I feel bad for those so focused on weight because you can never love the person inside.



people who are so conditional are incapable of having real adult relationships no matter what the condition is they are so dependent on


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## superodalisque (Jun 20, 2014)

gogogal said:


> In my mind, this is about self-acceptance, pure and simple. If you can't see yourself as desireable (whether you're a sz 2 or a 22) then naturally you will be weary of any one else who seemingly finds you attractive.
> 
> Rationally I do know that my plus size apple shape is not everyone's cup-of-tea, but I also tend to think I'm pretty damn cute and assume automatically that everyone else thinks so too. If they don't.... my mind kinda thinks, "what's wrong with you?" as opposed to "what's wrong with me?"
> 
> I tend to see attractiveness in a wide variety of people and things so perhaps I assume others do too. Or maybe I have a deluded sense of over-confidence. Or a combination of both... anyway I don't know but let's just say I do alright when it comes to the opposite sex but I definitely think that is directly related to the fact that I really really love myself.



there are some people you should be wary of for a reason, just like thin girls have people they should be wary of for a reason. if any guy tells you not to think about the things he does or says RUN!


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## Dromond (Jun 20, 2014)

Everyone is terrible at sex.

That's quite a statement, isn't it? It's also true at the beginning of a physical relationship. How you become not-terrible is to listen to your partner. Pay attention to how his/her body reacts when you do this or that. Keep the lines of communication open. Encourage your partner to tell you what works and what doesn't. You may, for instance, like belly play. Does your partner? If they do, great! If they don't, get over yourself and move to a body part that does get their motor running.

SEX IS NOT ABOUT YOUR PLEASURE, IT'S ABOUT THEIRS! If both partners obey this rule, you'll both have a not-terrible time.


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## bigmac (Jun 20, 2014)

PeanutButterfly said:


> This may be true but again you could say that for any body part. For most men without breasts there is no sex. For me, I would have a hard time being with a man who was significantly smaller than me so short guys means no sex. No arms would also be a hard one. I mean you get it. Unless you (rhetorical you) are only interested in purely penis to vagina sex, then there are always other body parts involved. My point is that women are often times more comfortable with these other body parts being sexualized because it's what society has deemed "normal". Perhaps they agree and find some sexual arousal from those body parts as well, in which case, wonderful! Find someone who agrees with your idea of sexiness. But just because someone has a different range of body parts they find sexually arousing doesn't mean they're a weird or harmful human being. It's the exact same thing "normal" people do. The idea that a man should only be turned on by some parts instead of all is just odd to me. But often times that's how my fellow fat ladies seem to feel. I think thin women typically don't give this that much thought. Or maybe they do? But I don't know any of my thinner friends who would be so hurt and offended and creeper out if a guy found the curve of their waist or tiny ankles or big boobs a turn on. They're just part of why the guy was attracted to them in the first place.



Yes, this makes a lot of sense!


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## Extinctor100 (Jun 20, 2014)

PeanutButterfly said:


> I, respectfully, disagree with this statement. As someone who is a BBW and an FFA like loopy I have a somewhat unique perspective. I label myself as an FFA because it's what I am; I admire fat on pretty much anyone. I find it beautiful and sexy and honestly some other feeling that I can't quite identify but what I would call "right", maybe if I had to label it. It's not something I can shut off or change. It just is a part of my identity, maybe even more so than my BBW-ness.
> 
> I reject the idea that this preference is somehow detrimental to myself or a fat partner. It's just what I like. As in any adult relationship there is a sexual component. How do you have a sexual relationship with sexualizing your partner? The same way a man sees a pair of boobs, which are only meant to produce milk, and sexualizes them, I too see a fat belly and sexualize it. You have to sexualize your partner and what you love about them in order to have sex. What is the alternative, a bed sheet with a hole? I'm not trying to be cheeky (at least not too badly ) but I don't think many women have a problem with men sexualizing their breasts or ass but their fat is a different story. It's just another piece of sexiness. It exists. It turns your partner on. It's automatically sexualized when you consent to be with your partner. When you consent to having sex with someone you are sexualizing each other, FA couple, non-FA couple, whatever. And you can't tell your partner which parts of you they're allowed to find attractive. Often times the reason people sleep with one another is because they find the whole person attractive. Asking someone to ignore your belly or thighs because you don't like them or feel they serve a sexual purpose a. doesn't work because how do you ever really know what caused that erection and b. is just unfair. You can't expect someone to only fall in love or sexualize the specific parts you deem acceptable.
> 
> Now objectify is a totally different story. No one wants to be objectified and only seen as the sum of their fat or breasts or pick whatever adjective you want. That's not love or a relationship. That's just sex. And it happens in the non-FA population too, every single day. It might seem like there are more FA's who do this but I just think those are unfortunately the most vocal ones. I never want to be objectified, hence why I ignore those particular FAs, but as a human being I need to be sexualized and sexualize my partner in return. That's not an FA trait, its a human one.





PeanutButterfly said:


> This may be true but again you could say that for any body part. For most men without breasts there is no sex. For me, I would have a hard time being with a man who was significantly smaller than me so short guys means no sex. No arms would also be a hard one. I mean you get it. Unless you (rhetorical you) are only interested in purely penis to vagina sex, then there are always other body parts involved. My point is that women are often times more comfortable with these other body parts being sexualized because it's what society has deemed "normal". Perhaps they agree and find some sexual arousal from those body parts as well, in which case, wonderful! Find someone who agrees with your idea of sexiness. But just because someone has a different range of body parts they find sexually arousing doesn't mean they're a weird or harmful human being. It's the exact same thing "normal" people do. The idea that a man should only be turned on by some parts instead of all is just odd to me. But often times that's how my fellow fat ladies seem to feel. I think thin women typically don't give this that much thought. Or maybe they do? But I don't know any of my thinner friends who would be so hurt and offended and creeper out if a guy found the curve of their waist or tiny ankles or big boobs a turn on. They're just part of why the guy was attracted to them in the first place.



This is the finely-stated, perfectly objective, truth of the matter. Yes, a relationship is more than romance, romance is more than sex, and sex is more than the sexualization of a single body part. But sexualization is part of sex, sex is part of romance, and romance is part of a relationship.

Now FAs may seem more polarized because FAs that are neck-deep into their fascination/sexualization/objectification/obsession (whichever fits on an individual basis) enough to call themselves "FA"s in conversation are pretty fixated for the most part. I like fat girls... I like fat people in general. I don't start off describing myself as an "FA" to *anyone* except here in Dims when there's an FA roll-call so we know the fat-lovers from the curious observer members. BTW I don't think the original question from the OP was about how we feel about the stereotypical, destructive FA that we cringe to think about. That would be like asking "what do you think of men who are so controlling they beat their wives for going outside" as opposed to "what do you think of dominant males?" As it's been demonstrated repeatedly, not all men who find fat people attractive can be tagged as shallow monsters any more than society can fairly tag fat people as all being lazy, jobless leeches. It's just not fair to put a negative spin on an objective question.


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## superodalisque (Jun 21, 2014)

Dromond said:


> Everyone is terrible at sex.
> 
> That's quite a statement, isn't it? It's also true at the beginning of a physical relationship. How you become not-terrible is to listen to your partner. Pay attention to how his/her body reacts when you do this or that. Keep the lines of communication open. Encourage your partner to tell you what works and what doesn't. You may, for instance, like belly play. Does your partner? If they do, great! If they don't, get over yourself and move to a body part that does get their motor running.
> 
> SEX IS NOT ABOUT YOUR PLEASURE, IT'S ABOUT THEIRS! If both partners obey this rule, you'll both have a not-terrible time.



great post. a huge part of sexuality is about giving. it's not just about pleasing the other person but the knowledge and experience of how giving pleasure to the other person can and should naturally be exciting for the person who is giving as well. unfortunately all of the small minded "what i get out of it " talk is very misleading when it comes to how all of that really works together. 

what is really strange though is how a lot of people want to totally separate life from sex. life is not over there and sex is not over here. it's all together mixed up in absolutely everything you do with your partner. beyond the little mechanical tricks that any fool can learn people stop liking sex because they feel the other person is not treating them well and not because of some nebulous sexual technical issue. most of the time those are just excuses people use when they are afraid to say what is really on their mind and they want to unload somebody. nobody is exciting when they're stupid or callous in a relationship. that's why a lot of relationships go bad. being with a jerk isn't very sexually stimulating. 

a lot of women fall in love with the idea of being with someone because when they are young there is all of this social and emotional pressure. women in particular fall prey to the man scarcity lie, that a lot of men keep trying to push out of insecurity, and feel they have to rush or compromise absolutely all of their personal wishes or goals. there are also a lot of other societal lies that discourage women from getting or even acknowledging what they want/need out of a relationship sexual or otherwise. 

lately there are a lot of stupid studies put out that people rely on for excuses for idiocy, all proven wrong, talking about what men are biologically wired or not wired to do or be that is so much horse hockey. men aren't wild animals out of control of their instincts. they do have or should have a brain they are capable of using. they aren't freaking salmon. there is no stream . there are no spawning grounds. they have a conscience they often try to ignore or avoid. they also have the ability to self analyze and critique and the will control their actions when they want to. so no, women do not need to tolerate the boring, the insipid , the cruel, the lazy , the clueless, the mean spirited, the selfish etc... anybody is going to get tired of that and there is nothing they can physically/sexually do to bring desire back when they are just a waste of time. 

it's true that it was easier in the past for men to get fat women. a lot of fat women were just totally unaware of their self worth and desirability. they were told they could only find what they wanted in certain venues among a few and absolutely everyone else hated them--the very same thing abusers say. a lot of the women i knew initially from online particularly felt trapped by that idea and freed themselves and guess what, most of them suddenly found the meaningful relationships sexual and otherwise they previously had only had dangled before them like hopeful calorific carrots. but now they know the difference between a lie and the truth. the truth is you can't trust that kind of objectification any more than a young thin blonde woman with big boobs can. 

simple desire can't make a man a good lover or a good person to have a relationship with any more than it makes the guys drooling at the strip clubs over skinny big boobed women good lovers or a good person to have a relationship with.


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## Extinctor100 (Jun 21, 2014)

FatAndProud said:


> Date a man with a good heart and a great personality. They will learn to love your body if they fall in love with your mind, first.



I wish I could rep this but I can't. It's something I tell my female friends over and over again.


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