# I feel horrible



## thewhitestripesfan42 (Aug 17, 2014)

As most of us, Im an FA and I've known for quite a while but haven't told anyone about it. In fact I try to hide it completely from my friends and family by agreeing with things I disagree with. Most of my relationships have been with thin girls because that's who people expect me to be with. I start dating them but I lose interest because I'm not attracted to them sexually. This is a recurring problem I can't seem to over come and it leaves a lot of people hurt with not a lot of answers.

Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for. 

This is mainly for me to vent about my frustrations but if anyone has similar issues please lend your opinion.


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## musicman (Aug 18, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> As most of us, Im an FA and I've known for quite a while but haven't told anyone about it. In fact I try to hide it completely from my friends and family by agreeing with things I disagree with. Most of my relationships have been with thin girls because that's who people expect me to be with. I start dating them but I lose interest because I'm not attracted to them sexually. This is a recurring problem I can't seem to over come and it leaves a lot of people hurt with not a lot of answers.
> 
> Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for.



If you deny your true nature, the person you hurt most is yourself. You should care less about social stigma than about living your life. You only get one. Ask yourself: Why do you value the opinions of society over your own happiness? Don't you deserve to be happy? You know there's nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to fat women. Don't let society tell you who to date!

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the women. By dating thin girls, you're misleading them because you don't find them attractive. Don't they deserve someone who really does? And by NOT dating fat girls, you're denying them (and yourself) the possibility of real happiness.

As for health issues, don't believe everything the AMA and the diet scammers say. Plenty of people are healthy at weights that are above the insurance tables. Everyone has a different healthy weight. One size does NOT fit all. (Do some research on "set-points".) Some women are just fatter than others. You don't have to "keep them fat". 

Finally, here's the most important thing: Find a fat woman who accepts herself and her body, and if she's the right woman for you (in all other ways), you'll find that it won't matter to you if she loses or gains in the future.


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## thewhitestripesfan42 (Aug 18, 2014)

musicman said:


> If you deny your true nature, the person you hurt most is yourself. You should care less about social stigma than about living your life. You only get one. Ask yourself: Why do you value the opinions of society over your own happiness? Don't you deserve to be happy? You know there's nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to fat women. Don't let society tell you who to date!
> 
> If you won't do it for yourself, do it for the women. By dating thin girls, you're misleading them because you don't find them attractive. Don't they deserve someone who really does? And by NOT dating fat girls, you're denying them (and yourself) the possibility of real happiness.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the insight! My only friend who've I told about this didn't really know what to tell me. You're right though, finding someone who is comfortable with their "set point" should be what I go for. Are there signs that a girl is like that without flat out asking?


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## choudhury (Aug 19, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> As most of us, Im an FA and I've known for quite a while but haven't told anyone about it. In fact I try to hide it completely from my friends and family by agreeing with things I disagree with. Most of my relationships have been with thin girls because that's who people expect me to be with. I start dating them but I lose interest because I'm not attracted to them sexually. This is a recurring problem I can't seem to over come and it leaves a lot of people hurt with not a lot of answers.
> 
> Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for.
> 
> This is mainly for me to vent about my frustrations but if anyone has similar issues please lend your opinion.



"Social stigma" - to what extent is this really the case? Are people _really_ going to crap all over you because you're with an overweight woman? Or are you just afraid of looking weird/different?

My own experience, for what it's worth, is that hardly anybody says anything, at least not to your face. People tend to mind their own business on such matters, I find. 

Keep in mind that dating a BBW also does not require you to start announcing your sexual preferences with a megaphone from the rooftops. Nor do you need to make a big deal out your gf's weight when bringing her around to family and friends ("this is Sally and she's fat and I REALLY LIKE THAT BECAUSE I AM AN FA!!!"). 

Try just dating a BBW you find attractive and, in dealing with other people, behave in EXACTLY the same way you would as if she were thin. I personally think of this as setting the cat among the pigeons. If your friends and family are decent people, they will accept her in the same way they would accept anyone else. If they aren't decent people, isn't it better to know that than to live in fear of their judgement?


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## The Orange Mage (Aug 19, 2014)

Part of me wants to say "get over it and go for a fat lady" but you sound neurotic enough about it that I wouldn't want to inflict your severe issues on some poor woman.

Avoid dating altogether until you work through your problems.


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## Ruby Ripples (Aug 19, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> As most of us, Im an FA and I've known for quite a while but haven't told anyone about it. In fact I try to hide it completely from my friends and family by agreeing with things I disagree with. Most of my relationships have been with thin girls because that's who people expect me to be with. I start dating them but I lose interest because I'm not attracted to them sexually. This is a recurring problem I can't seem to over come and it leaves a lot of people hurt with not a lot of answers.
> 
> Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for.
> 
> This is mainly for me to vent about my frustrations but if anyone has similar issues please lend your opinion.



So was this not you then? -

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2055778&postcount=1


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## Yakatori (Aug 19, 2014)

It's not just guys who stunt-ride:

[ame]http://vimeo.com/39119803[/ame]


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## thewhitestripesfan42 (Aug 19, 2014)

Ruby Ripples said:


> So was this not you then? -
> 
> http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2055778&postcount=1



It was, but the relationship didn't last long. Kinda complicated why it didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with her weight. My friends all told me I could do better after we split up. They pretty much thought I was lowering my standards. Should have been more forward about my preference then, would have made everything a lot easier. 

Yeah everyone here is right. I'm kinda messed up right now but I'm trying to work on it. I understand what I'm doing is shitty and I shouldn't worry about what other people may or may not think.


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## southernfa (Aug 19, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for.
> 
> This is mainly for me to vent about my frustrations but if anyone has similar issues please lend your opinion.



Everybody has issues, especially the ones who claim they don't 

I suspect the key is in keeping your eye on the "healthy relationship". If it is a truly healthy relationship then you will be able face life's challenges together, even social stigma, health issues and sex! If it isn't, then trivial issues will get you way before the big ones...

How do you tell if the relationship is that good? Perhaps someday you will find yourself thinking that it just doesn't matter what other people think about 'her' and she is important enough to you that if she needs or wants to lose weight, that really doesn't matter either.

Until then, you just haven't met the right one and maybe it's just not time yet.


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## Azrael (Aug 20, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> As most of us, Im an FA and I've known for quite a while but haven't told anyone about it. In fact I try to hide it completely from my friends and family by agreeing with things I disagree with. Most of my relationships have been with thin girls because that's who people expect me to be with. I start dating them but I lose interest because I'm not attracted to them sexually. This is a recurring problem I can't seem to over come and it leaves a lot of people hurt with not a lot of answers.
> 
> Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for.
> 
> This is mainly for me to vent about my frustrations but if anyone has similar issues please lend your opinion.



As a feeder I just...I just don't understand this issue.

And perhaps I'm being harsh but I'll say this.

If you're feeling terrible for what you are doing right now, *good.*
That's your self-conscious telling you that what you're doing _right now_ isn't good for anybody involved and that you're just hurting plenty of people's feelings. The good news however is that you know this.

Also, my recommendation for you mirrors what TOM said, don't date people *until you solve this problem of yours*. You get involved with a bbw, you're going to hurt her and you get involved with a skinny girl, you're going to hurt her too.

I think you and I both know that for their sake you shouldn't put them through this.

Now as far as for that sense of guilt that you get, here's a rationalization you can try to use to reduce that.
It's her body and it is therefore her choice.
Because it is her body it is not really your business.
That is between her and her doctor and furthermore by continually stressing someone to lose weight this can actually make them feel a whole lot worse about their body image.

Furthermore, they already receive this message all the time anyways, they don't need it coming from you too.

Now, I know you probably don't want to make someone suffer and hate themselves so if you think of it like this, it might help you deal with a sense of guilt.

Various feeders tend to have a sense of guilt and they will assuage their guilt in numerous ways.

I may come off rather harsh but I think you can understand why.


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## Marlayna (Aug 20, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> It was, but the relationship didn't last long. Kinda complicated why it didn't work out, but it had nothing to do with her weight. My friends all told me I could do better after we split up. They pretty much thought I was lowering my standards. Should have been more forward about my preference then, would have made everything a lot easier.
> 
> Yeah everyone here is right. I'm kinda messed up right now but I'm trying to work on it. I understand what I'm doing is shitty and I shouldn't worry about what other people may or may not think.


I don't know how old you are, but if you hit 30 and still worry about what the boyz say about your dates, it's time to think about pleasing yourself, and not your friends. People always tell their friends that they "could do better", after the fact. It's supposed to sound supportive.
I don't think you're a shitty person at all, just not that mature. What I would consider "shitty", would be the type of man that uses fat women for sex, but won't hold their hand in the street. Those are the guys that suck and are messed up in the head.


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## OneFAsView (Aug 20, 2014)

Marlayna said:


> I don't know how old you are, but if you hit 30 and still worry about what the boyz say about your dates, it's time to think about pleasing yourself, and not your friends. People always tell their friends that they "could do better", after the fact. It's supposed to sound supportive.
> I don't think you're a shitty person at all, just not that mature. What I would consider "shitty", would be the type of man that uses fat women for sex, but won't hold their hand in the street. Those are the guys that suck and are messed up in the head.



Marlayna is spot on  it sounds like you are probably in your 20s, and your mention of the social stigma issue is one that goes away with your maturation.

Now, on the health issue, that is actually a mature position to consider, and you should be commended for that. However, it should not by itself deter you, if you believe yourself to be exclusively interested in BBW, because ultimately it is not an issue you can control if you have good intentions (e.g. you are not a closet feeder). If your interest in size is open, Im sure you will find many mid-sized BBW who are active and, healthy, but just may be genetically predisposed to being built big.

Remember that relationships involve emotional and intellectual connections as well as physical. So should you find yourself involved with a larger woman where health or comfort is at risk, and you have established a good emotional and intellectual relationship, you will naturally want to be supportive of *her decision* to either do something to lose weight or not.

It goes back to the adage about accepting things you cannot control. It sounds like you are inherently an FA, and that is something you can control no less than say someone who is inherently homosexual trying to be satisfied with an opposite-sex partner.


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## thewhitestripesfan42 (Aug 20, 2014)

OneFAsView said:


> Marlayna is spot on  it sounds like you are probably in your 20s, and your mention of the social stigma issue is one that goes away with your maturation.
> 
> Now, on the health issue, that is actually a mature position to consider, and you should be commended for that. However, it should not by itself deter you, if you believe yourself to be exclusively interested in BBW, because ultimately it is not an issue you can control if you have good intentions (e.g. you are not a closet feeder). If your interest in size is open, Im sure you will find many mid-sized BBW who are active and, healthy, but just may be genetically predisposed to being built big.
> 
> ...



You're right about my age, I am 20. I need to grow up and stop worrying about others opinions. Of course saying it and doing it are two different things so this is no doubt gonna take a bit of time.


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## Durin (Aug 21, 2014)

This is a stage most FA's go through. 

Being yourself is something 20yr olds & 40 yr olds go through

You need to work this out for yourself before you get involved in any relationship

Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to have time to give u shit

Don't live somebody else's life


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## musicman (Aug 21, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> Thanks for the insight! My only friend who've I told about this didn't really know what to tell me. You're right though, finding someone who is comfortable with their "set point" should be what I go for. Are there signs that a girl is like that without flat out asking?



(I'm sure someone will misunderstand the following and skewer me, but you asked a question, so here's my answer.)

First of all, I wouldn't recommend asking women (or anyone) direct questions about their level of self-acceptance. You won't get the info you want, and you'll probably be misunderstood. (It falls into the same category as asking someone if they're a "good person". Would that question get you any useful info?)

So, are there signs? Yes, but they may not be obvious at first. You have to learn the clues to look for. Does she constantly talk about her latest diet? Does she put herself down because of her weight? When you take her out for dinner, how does she act toward food? How does she react when others make comments about her weight? You can probably think of other things to consider.

Above all, you have to get to know the woman. This might take several dates, but that's what dating is for! You're trying to determine compatibility (on many topics, not just this one). And if you're an FA, you won't be compatible with a woman who's obsessed with dieting, or who feels insecure because of her weight. I've been there and I know. And there's nothing wrong with having this in your mind as one of your compatibility criteria. Dating is a two-way street. She's checking you out, too, trying to see if you meet her standards.

Bottom line is you've gotta get out there, meet women, and get to know them. I know it's hard for a shy guy, but that's the only way to find the right woman. Fortunately, you're young and have plenty of time, so get out there and have fun.

P.S. Some here have said you're too immature to date. I don't know you, but I'll go out on a limb and disagree. Dating can be an important part of the process of maturing. You don't yet know what kind of woman you want (except that she's fat), and that's OK. That's a question that most young people have, and only dating will answer it. I would only ask that you be honest with yourself and your dates, and don't string them along (like the thin women you've dated) if incompatibilities arise. Don't over-promise or over-commit, and keep things informal until you know yourself better.


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## choudhury (Aug 26, 2014)

musicman said:


> (I'm sure someone will misunderstand the following and skewer me, but you asked a question, so here's my answer.)
> 
> First of all, I wouldn't recommend asking women (or anyone) direct questions about their level of self-acceptance. You won't get the info you want, and you'll probably be misunderstood. (It falls into the same category as asking someone if they're a "good person". Would that question get you any useful info?)
> 
> ...



That's sound advice. Nothing grows a man up more than the love of a woman.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that these signals about 'self-acceptance' can be bloody complicated. A girl might tell you she 'needs to lose weight,' for instance, partly to gauge YOUR reaction, not wholly as an indicator of low self-esteem per se. She might also say it _without really meaning it_, thinking maybe that it's what you want to hear, in the same way that I say that one of these days I'll make a study of opera or start working out. Unfortunately a lot of BBWs think a given man likes/loves them _in spite _of their bodies. I believe this happens more rarely than they think, at least at the 'dating' stage (if a woman gets fat after marriage but was thin during courtship, that may be another story).

Similarly, she might act demurely around food at first out of some idea that she doesn't want to scare you away. I know it sounds crazy, but I think some women have the idea that if they can convince people that they're big even though they eat very modestly, that'll make their size more acceptable. 

These aren't _necessarily_ symptoms of 'low self-esteem' as such, so much as symptoms of a recognition that her figure doesn't conform to general societal expectations and an attempt to negotiate that fact with a prospective partner she doesn't yet know very well.

You could respond, of course, by announcing 'that's OK, I like big women,' but that can create its own problems and frankly it doesn't sound like you're at the point of being willing to do that yet. If she is _ambivalent_ about her fat it could also turn into a negative. What you can do is convey total acceptance of her the way she is.

My own story might be useful. I didn't come out and announce my own preference to the woman who became my wife when we were first dating. But two ingredients were in place right away. One, she liked to eat and ate a lot. (This didn't mean that she was fully happy with being fat, but it did signal what her patterns were and that she wasn't really interested in fighting them. That she had big helpings even on our early dates impressed me). The other was that I communicated _total_ acceptance of her love for food, buying her desserts, surprising her with treats, etc.. That helped to set the foundation for what became a happy long-term relationship.


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## s13 (Oct 24, 2014)

thewhitestripesfan42 said:


> As most of us, Im an FA and I've known for quite a while but haven't told anyone about it. In fact I try to hide it completely from my friends and family by agreeing with things I disagree with. Most of my relationships have been with thin girls because that's who people expect me to be with. I start dating them but I lose interest because I'm not attracted to them sexually. This is a recurring problem I can't seem to over come and it leaves a lot of people hurt with not a lot of answers.
> 
> Because of this I think of myself as a shitty person. I can't bring myself to date a bbw because of social stigma, as well as health issues. It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I'm encouraged to keep a girl fat when it's not the best thing for her. All of this persuades me to date thin girls I don't have sexual feelings for.
> 
> This is mainly for me to vent about my frustrations but if anyone has similar issues please lend your opinion.



yes I have dated thinner normal girls and they have all been first bewildered then sad when I cannot get very hard. I seem to be softer and softer as the years go by and my preference has set in and have had more experience with ssbbws. I have no problems going on outings, lunches, movies, bars...but I can't make the step of being proper boyfriend and girlfriend yet. I want to and its now need to, its is probably like taking a bandaid off. I think there definitely is a closet when your preference is ssbbws though.


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## fuelingfire (Oct 26, 2014)

Date whoever will make you happy. I was like you in high school. After high school I didn’t care what other people thought. Most people will actually assume you are not shallow, when they see you with a bbw, rather than you have low standards. Few people will assume or ask if you like fat girls. In my experience, only bbws ask if you like fat girls.
You will be far happier dating fat girls because they will make you happy. The big bonus you have not realized yet, is that bbws cannot just spot FAs by looking at you. But if a BBW sees you with a BBW she will probably guess/wonder if you are a FA. Once this happens you will wonder why you wasted time in the closet.


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