# Does Chemistry Ever Come Later?



## LoveBHMS (Nov 13, 2008)

I wasn't sure how to title this thread, but hopefully that will suffice.

Here's my current situation.

I met an absolutely wonderful guy. He's cute, smart, and very very sweet. In my entire life, I've never met anyone who has treated me with the amazing kindness, consideration, and gentlemanliness that he has. I have never in my life had a man make me feel so liked. 

One example: I work at a bar/restaurant. The nearby garage closes at 10:00 during the week so I typically have to steal 5-7 minutes out of my night to sprint across the street and up the garage ramp, get my car and find a parking spot on the street. Now whenever I'm working he will come by and do that for me, just to make my life easier. He opens doors, he pays for everything, and generally exudes a "caretaking" mentality that makes me KNOW that when I'm with him, nothing bad could happen to me.

He tells me at random moments how pretty he thinks I am and I feel it. He tells me he thinks about me all the time and how smitten he is and he does this all without seeming creepy or overbearing.

But.

I don't feel *that kind* of chemistry. I wish I did but I don't. If this makes sense i've never wanted to be in love with somebody so badly but I honestly don't think it will happen. There's no 'all the songs on the radio remind me of you' element. Initially I wanted to write it off due to lack of chemistry, but he's such a good person, I want to give it time. The longer I'm with him, the more I like him and I do find him attractive and I like being with him, but I'm fairly sure I'll never be in love.

Has anyone ever 'given it time' and had that be the right thing to do? I feel like I _should_, but I also feel like if that spark isn't there, it won't suddenly ignite.


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## toni (Nov 14, 2008)

I ponder this myself, A LOT! Is it better to go for the sweet stable guy or chase after the spark? I don't know the answer. 

The ideal would be finding someone who would be able to provide both. From my experience it is almost impossible. I can't offer much advice here but I do wish you luck.


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

There is a part of me that wonders if the spark ever comes later, like if you give it time you wind up *suddenly* realizing you can't live without the person. Smoldering flames rather than instant ignition, so to speak.

I feel like, chemistry can fade or go unreturned, but true love can grow. OTOH, I don't know if a grand passion sort of thing ever develops over time. I doubt it. The thing that bothers me, is the guy I met before him was a crazy insta-lust sort of situation, but only on my end. One of those deals where we met and spent the night talking and kissing and I was so SURE he was Mr. Right, but he never even called me. Even now I'm thinking "Well if he ever reappeared I would totally want him". With the rabid chemistry, it can take the longest time to fade and it can be so overwhelming.


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## Louis KC (Nov 14, 2008)

It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his presence. 

People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs. 

Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected. 

When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense". 

"Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship. 

Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times. 

Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.


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## Melian (Nov 14, 2008)

Honestly, I've never had anything beyond platonic love result from such a situation. However, it may be different for you.

It's not like you're trying to decide whether or not to rid him from your life, so just wait and see what happens. Sorry for the shitty advice, haha. I hope you can sort things out *hug*


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## KHayes666 (Nov 14, 2008)

Actually yes, chemistry can certainly come later.

I was friends with a girl in high school that didnt consider me dateable even though we hung out often, after graduation I asked her out and she said yes. We ended up dating right up until my accident in August of 04...which is another story in itself.

However, she and I didn't really have chemistry in school, but we kind of grew on each other as the years went by. My guess is you have to be there for that person no matter what, so when that person has been through a lot and realizes "Hey, (you) has been here for me, maybe (you) isn't so bad after all"

When someone says "we don't click" its not always the kiss of death. Hanging out with someone more often will definately help you "click" so keep your head up Loves.


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

Melian said:


> Honestly, I've never had anything beyond platonic love result from such a situation. However, it may be different for you.
> 
> It's not like you're trying to decide whether or not to rid him from your life, so just wait and see what happens. Sorry for the shitty advice, haha. I hope you can sort things out *hug*



No it's not shitty advice at all, it's actually pretty much what I'm doing. I figure it means something that I'm not just writing him off immediately as a 'no chemistry' thing.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Nov 14, 2008)

Ok, I'm going to be 100% honest here. I've been there, I've done that. I dated a guy for close to 5 years, doing the wait and see thing. We ended up engaged and buying a house together. I cared for him. He was a nice guy. He was kind etc. etc. etc. Just never had the chemistry. 

It didn't end well. We did buy a house together. I ended up resenting him big time. Every little thing he did wrong, it just seemed incredibly intense. I was constantly frustrated. 

I tried not thinking about the lack of chemistry. I just could never do it. May just have been that situation. But my only suggestion, if you really want to see if the chemistry will manifest itself, try not to obsess over it missing.


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> Ok, I'm going to be 100% honest here. I've been there, I've done that. I dated a guy for close to 5 years, doing the wait and see thing. We ended up engaged and buying a house together. I cared for him. He was a nice guy. He was kind etc. etc. etc. Just never had the chemistry.
> 
> It didn't end well. We did buy a house together. *I ended up resenting him big time. Every little thing he did wrong, it just seemed incredibly intense. I was constantly frustrated. *
> I tried not thinking about the lack of chemistry. I just could never do it. May just have been that situation. But my only suggestion, if you really want to see if the chemistry will manifest itself, try not to obsess over it missing.



This is just what I'm afraid of and what has happened in the past. I'm definitely not obsessing over it, and I've actually been surprised when I've gone a day without seeing him and I wind up missing him or thinking about being with him when I'm not. 

The weirdest thing is what I always think about is stuff like him stroking my hair or holding my hand, but never actual sex. But it's weird that i do think about the hand holding and stroking. When he comes into my work, I always want to run over and put my head on his shoulder but I never want to run over and drag him into the men's room for a quickie. 

But I do always want to be near him. 
But I don't typically think about sexual things.

It's just weird for me. 100% of the time it's like either I want to f**k their brains out and marry them, or I want nothing to do with them. I've never been in the middle ground and it's unchartered territory for me b/c I don't understand what my feelings are.


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## chocolate desire (Nov 14, 2008)

I think the answer to your question is an individual thing. It really depends on the people involved. I myself has had sparks fly with a guy once that I truly did not see as "my type" sadly he passed away. On the other hand I have met a few guys that should have been the one I fell head over heels for and nothing happened.
I know this does not really answer your question but as long as you are not hurting your guy friend by giving him false hopes I would wait it out and see what happens you might just wake up one day and feel like you are the luckiest girl in the world because you have him.Oh wait thats me and my guy lol ok second luckiest


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

chocolate desire said:


> I think the answer to your question is an individual thing. It really depends on the people involved. I myself has had sparks fly with a guy once that I truly did not see as "my type" sadly he passed away. On the other hand I have met a few guys that should have been the one I fell head over heels for and nothing happened.
> I know this does not really answer your question but as long as you are not hurting your guy friend by giving him false hopes I would wait it out and see what happens you might just wake up one day and feel like you are the luckiest girl in the world because you have him.Oh wait thats me and my guy lol ok second luckiest



No, I've been super careful about the false hope thing because I know how awful it can feel since i've been on the receiving end of it. On a practical level, both of us are planning to move from the town where we've met, so I *think* on some level he understands that this is not meant to be permanent. He is also in sort of a transition mode, life/careerwise, and I also strongly think that he does not feel this is the right time for him to meet Ms. Right.

If emotions wind up surprising me or us, I think it would be easy to deal with.


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Nov 14, 2008)

From my own personal experience, chemistry can certainly come later.

Chris & I couldn't stand each other when we first started dating, and, when I think back, it's a wonder we ever started even liking each other. I was in a rather controlling relationship with a thinner guy who was going to the other side of the country for school, so I was excited to be free again to look for someone I was more physically attracted to. I usually have to settle with thin guys with great personalities, but I was sick of compromising my sexual preferences. So when I turned 18 I joined dimensions and ff (two sites I had frequently visited for years anyway, but just wasn't able to join) and Chris was one of the guys who messaged me in the first week. We small-talked and realized that we lived near each other and were around the same age, so we figured we might as well meet up. He was having a party at his apartment, so I went with a friend, and by the end of the night I was friends with all of his friends and we had a great time. 

...Until we started hanging out alone. Both of us were very different, I was rather quiet, aloof, and self-righteous whereas he was obnoxiously loud, inappropriate, and ignorant. And we fought constantly. he would say dumb things and even correcting him did nothing to improve his intelligence, since he refused to listen to anything I said. He also refused to think before he spoke, so he was incredibly insulting sometimes. Once he even said, "You only date fat guys cuz you can't get anyone better". Just because to him that meant something entirely different, and he didn't think about they way he said it. He just spewed things out no matter what people he was around and whether it was inappropriate or not. But I wasn't any better. I would get incredibly frustrated and sometimes just storm out of his house, cuz I just gave up on trying to convince him of things. 

But after spending so much time with each other, we slowly started to get along. The only thing we had in common was that he was fat (and wanted to get fatter) and I loved fat men. And believe it or not, we stuck it out just because of that. And I am infinitely glad we did. Because now we get along perfectly and barely ever have fights. We've developed the same mannerisms and even speech patterns, and we can practically read each others minds. 


So in conclusion... chemistry can definitely come later, at least in my own personal experience.


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

Mary what I got out of your story is that _liking each other_ came later, but the sexual thing was there. You said initially the only thing you had in common was he/his appearance satisfied your sexuality. In other words, it seems as though the fact of your sexual needs being fulfilled allowed you to get to know him as an individual.

I think it's very common, and a staple of situation comedies on prime time TV, for two people to have obvious sexual chemistry but not outwardly like each other and to even fight a lot.

This guy and I really do like each other, and i know there is chemistry on his end. I'm just wondering if it could develop on my end or if it's something that if it's not there from the onset, it never will be.


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Nov 14, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> Mary what I got out of your story is that _liking each other_ came later, but the sexual thing was there. You said initially the only thing you had in common was he/his appearance satisfied your sexuality. In other words, it seems as though the fact of your sexual needs being fulfilled allowed you to get to know him as an individual.
> 
> I think it's very common, and a staple of situation comedies on prime time TV, for two people to have obvious sexual chemistry but not outwardly like each other and to even fight a lot.
> 
> This guy and I really do like each other, and i know there is chemistry on his end. I'm just wondering if it could develop on my end or if it's something that if it's not there from the onset, it never will be.



Ahh, I see. So my post wasn't much help. *giggles*

I'm just used to all of my relationships starting out with a mental connection, and because of that mental connection, I can be physical with them, although not enjoy it to the same extent. So finding Chris was a new thing for me, to be sexually attracted to someone before being mentally attracted was something I hadn't experienced before. I guess that was kinda my point. Maybe. Whichever makes more sense. xP


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

MaryElizabethAntoinette said:


> Ahh, I see. So my post wasn't much help. *giggles*
> 
> I'm just used to all of my relationships starting out with a mental connection, and because of that mental connection, I can be physical with them, although not enjoy it to the same extent. So finding Chris was a new thing for me, to be sexually attracted to someone before being mentally attracted was something I hadn't experienced before. I guess that was kinda my point. Maybe. Whichever makes more sense. xP



No your post was helpful, they've all been helpful. I think what you really underscored was what was said upthread, that you need both. You need sexual chemistry and you need to like each other mentally/emotionally. It seems a lot of relationships or would-be relationships have one and not the other and it leads you to say "Well, I was totally hot for him but he was a jerk" or "He was a sweet person but there was no spark" and it leaves you realizing that *just* the sexual or *just* the mental connection is not sufficient.

I'm still left with....does the sexual part develop? With you and Chris it was there and it held you together till you started liking each other.


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## sweet&fat (Nov 14, 2008)

Forgive me if you said this already, but have you kissed yet? 



LoveBHMS said:


> No your post was helpful, they've all been helpful. I think what you really underscored was what was said upthread, that you need both. You need sexual chemistry and you need to like each other mentally/emotionally. It seems a lot of relationships or would-be relationships have one and not the other and it leads you to say "Well, I was totally hot for him but he was a jerk" or "He was a sweet person but there was no spark" and it leaves you realizing that *just* the sexual or *just* the mental connection is not sufficient.
> 
> I'm still left with....does the sexual part develop? With you and Chris it was there and it held you together till you started liking each other.


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## AppreSheAte (Nov 14, 2008)

if the sparks not there, you'll always wonder. be careful i guess is all i can say. life can still be good, but it will make you wonder if it could be great.

do you want to elaborate on what is missing? can you? what do you fantasize about - could you share it with him, or with us? is that the missing ingredient or a taboo that will haunt you?


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 14, 2008)

And I like it a lot. It's nice and it turns me on but there are no actual fireworks. Again I'm in unfamiliar territory in that I enjoy it but it does not drive me crazy. I think about it when he's not aroung but I don't think about it all that much.

It makes little sense b/c for me it's always been so clear and this just is not at all clear. 

I was actually hoping you'd be one of the women who'd answer this b/c I think you have good insight on les affaires des couer.




sweet&fat said:


> Forgive me if you said this already, but have you kissed yet?


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## sweet&fat (Nov 14, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> And I like it a lot. It's nice and it turns me on but there are no actual fireworks. Again I'm in unfamiliar territory in that I enjoy it but it does not drive me crazy. I think about it when he's not aroung but I don't think about it all that much.
> 
> It makes little sense b/c for me it's always been so clear and this just is not at all clear.
> 
> I was actually hoping you'd be one of the women who'd answer this b/c I think you have good insight on les affaires des couer.



Thanks. I seem to have insight into others' situations, less so into my own. Lol! 

This is a hard call. It's a good sign that you're into the kissing. It might be that you only kinda like this guy, and it might be that with time your sexual interest in him will develop. It sounds like you have a little spark, but less than you're used to. There are plenty of nice guys around that I could not kiss at all. All I can say is see where it goes and don't give him false hope (which you've mentioned already), but be honest with yourself as well. Are you into him because he takes good care of you and you feel safe/good around him, or are you also into HIM?


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## No-No-Badkitty (Nov 14, 2008)

JM2cents...

Falling in love takes time. It doesn't happen over night. Chemistry is great but chemistry isn't what gets you through life. It can spark a relationship but it will not keep it going. Love, true love, the kind that makes you feel protected and warm is what foundations for togetherness are built on.
I'm not saying chemistry doesn't have it's place because it does...it can launch a relationship into orbit right out of the gates. However, chemistry that builds because of love is far-far-far more rewarding and that kind of chemistry takes time.
Good things come to those who wait.


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## iheartsquishys (Nov 14, 2008)

I'm in almost the same situation. I've been dating a guy for a little over 2 months. He's wonderful. He's nice. He's good for me. We have fun together. We get along. Physically he's exactly what I like. However it's just not there. I'm trying so hard to want to care about him but...I kinda don't. I mean I care about him and his welfare but if he broke up with me tomorrow I'd think well...that sorta sucks. And I feel terrible for that because I think he's really starting to care for me. I don't want to break things off because they're going so well. But I kind of think I should because I'm not being honest with him. I mean I could tell him but...saying "well, I want to keep dating you but I really don't care much for you" just doesn't seem like it would go over all the well. I keep holding onto hope that something will spark but I don't know if I should. I like him as a friend but I'm just not attracted to him. Physically he's very attractive but his personality doesn't make me attracted to him. I'm not sure how to describe it. The above posts have been helpful and I'd love to hear any other opinions. I don't think this one has an answer but mulling it over with other people helps.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 14, 2008)

My problem is I am a terrible person. I laugh at people with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their shoe, I get stone cold high on Shaudenfreude, I will walk out of the store knowing full well the sales girl forgot to charge me for something in my bag and get giddy about it. If I mutter under my breath and call the lady who cut in line in front of us an old biddy and he is genuinely apalled, it won't work out. I do believe a guy can be too nice. It's not attractive to be treated like dirt so there's some level of nice guy that should be there but if he's too polished it removes any sense of character or interesting facets. I know that's true for me anyway. I may be able to appreciate him but that's as far as it will ever go I'm afraid.


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## GrowingBoy (Nov 15, 2008)

For me, a large part of attraction is about body scent. This won't make me fall head over heals for someone by itself.... but if other things work and the scent is right... I find that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things work.

When I first dated someone whose scent I was crazy about, I was amazed at how attracted I was. I couldn't get enough of her. We didn't get along at all well at first.... but we worked very hard and gradually, things went from rocky to good... to great. 

Let's face it, relationships are very hard work. Having that "glue" makes a huge difference over time. I used to think that feeling a "spark" was really important... or that having great "sexual chemistry" was the thing. But then... I found smell.


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## JohnWylde (Nov 15, 2008)

But Renee

Its me thats the lucky guy - not long now till we are together again mmmmm. 

lil john




chocolate desire said:


> I think the answer to your question is an individual thing. It really depends on the people involved. I myself has had sparks fly with a guy once that I truly did not see as "my type" sadly he passed away. On the other hand I have met a few guys that should have been the one I fell head over heels for and nothing happened.
> I know this does not really answer your question but as long as you are not hurting your guy friend by giving him false hopes I would wait it out and see what happens you might just wake up one day and feel like you are the luckiest girl in the world because you have him.Oh wait thats me and my guy lol ok second luckiest


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## AZ_Wolf (Nov 16, 2008)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> JM2cents...
> 
> Falling in love takes time. It doesn't happen over night. Chemistry is great but chemistry isn't what gets you through life. It can spark a relationship but it will not keep it going. Love, true love, the kind that makes you feel protected and warm is what foundations for togetherness are built on.
> I'm not saying chemistry doesn't have it's place because it does...it can launch a relationship into orbit right out of the gates. However, chemistry that builds because of love is far-far-far more rewarding and that kind of chemistry takes time.
> Good things come to those who wait.




I largely agree with this. Though it seems there are two camps of people -- those that can take a great friendship and let it develop into a great relationship, and those who require sparks and the grand finale of the 1812 Overture right away, or else they want no part of it. Neither is better than the other; people are just different. However in my own experience, any amazing "butterflies in the stomach" rush that might be present at the beginning simply won't last over time. From all the people I've known, it seems the folks who are of the former type tend to get involved in fewer relationships, but those they do get into tend to be more stable and longer-lasting, whereas the latter type of folks get involved a lot more often, but also have spectacular flameouts.

I know from personal experience that folks from the former type can 'cross over' and do fine when there might be that initial heady chemistry (I've only had it happen to me once, though I've had several other long-term and completely healthy and satisfying relationships without it), but I have my doubts if someone from the latter camp can make the same transition.

So I'd say the best question is not so much to inquire about the experiences of others in similar situations as much as to personally look back and see how things went in the past when faced with either situation.


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## KendraLee (Nov 16, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> I wasn't sure how to title this thread, but hopefully that will suffice.
> 
> Here's my current situation.
> 
> ...



I don't really know if this will help but I guess a good question to ask yourself is, How did all the relationships you were in where you felt that spark and that kind of chemistry work out in the long run?

Just give it time. I've found that with time I either validate my original feelings that I'm just not that into a person or that sometimes the more you get to know about a person it can alter how you see and feel about a person and that person will become more attractive to you.


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 17, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> Thanks. I seem to have insight into others' situations, less so into my own. Lol!
> 
> This is a hard call. It's a good sign that you're into the kissing. It might be that you only kinda like this guy, and it might be that with time your sexual interest in him will develop. It sounds like you have a little spark, but less than you're used to. There are plenty of nice guys around that I could not kiss at all. All I can say is see where it goes and don't give him false hope (which you've mentioned already), but be honest with yourself as well. *Are you into him because he takes good care of you and you feel safe/good around him, or are you also into HIM?*



That is a good question. I'd have to say it's hard to separate the two. I mean I'd have to say I'm into the _feelings_ I get from him. It's not at all "Oh I love him paying for things" or "It's so convenient to have favors done for me" but rather the way those things make me feel. Typically if I were just totally not into somebody, the behaviour he exhibits would feel creepy, annoying, and stalkerish. Part of why I'm giving this a chance is that he's made me feel a way I've never felt before.

I have continued to be honest with him. He tells me he loves me and I don't say it back, and I've said straight forwardly "I can't say that unless I know 100% that I mean it and will continue to mean it and my heart is fully behind what I'm saying." The really interesting thing is he gets that, but he stays with me anyway. Part of me wonders if it's not like he's seeing something I'm missing, as if he's thinking "She doesn't love me now, but she will." I feel like most times if somebody doesn't tell you they love you, you'd be embarassed or feel awkward or not want to be around them, but it's not like that.


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## Tad (Nov 17, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> I do believe a guy can be too nice. It's not attractive to be treated like dirt so there's some level of nice guy that should be there but if he's too polished it removes any sense of character or interesting facets. I know that's true for me anyway. I may be able to appreciate him but that's as far as it will ever go I'm afraid.



Somewhere on the internet I did or didn't click some box, and so started receiving an email newsletter on dating advice for guys. Which ends up being quite amusing to read, so I never cancelled it, even if I hope never to be in a dating situation again.

Anyway, the central thesis of the guy peddling this particular set of advice is essentially that:

1) Most guys are taught to be nice, and that when they are interested in a woman they should be extra nice and try to woo her.

2) Women are not attracted to guys who are wussy, and that sucking up to them and treating them nicely all the time comes across as wussy.

He doesn't advocate being a jerk, but more being cocky, always funny, and not letting the woman put you through the standard wooing games. 

There are times and areas where I think he misses major exceptions, and he over sells his theories, but at the heart of it I think there is some truth to his shtick. It is like the old line about not joining any club that would have you as a member. I think this may be the reason that so many people stumble into relationships when they decide that they are not looking for one, because they dont turn on the wooing behavior, and so actually come across as more independent and strong, or something like that.

I know absolutely nothing about how this guy behaves, and how the guys who youve fallen in lust with in the past have behaved, but I thought this might make an interesting point of view to look at these things through. 

I hope that made some sort of sense. Well, good luck on making your own sense out of this situation, and figuring your way forward through it.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 17, 2008)

edx said:


> Somewhere on the internet I did or didn't click some box, and so started receiving an email newsletter on dating advice for guys. Which ends up being quite amusing to read, so I never cancelled it, even if I hope never to be in a dating situation again.
> 
> Anyway, the central thesis of the guy peddling this particular set of advice is essentially that:
> 
> ...



It's one thing to be drawn to the unpolished, another to be persued by an asshole. No way would I waste my time on a guy who's a jerk no matter how interesting he is. I'm not interested in a boyscout either. A guy with some character is what turns my crank. A guy subscribing to this guy's advice would appear too high maintenence to me. I am physically unable to devote energy to someone who creates that much drama.


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## No-No-Badkitty (Nov 17, 2008)

AZ_Wolf said:


> From all the people I've known, it seems the folks who are of the former type tend to get involved in fewer relationships, but those they do get into tend to be more stable and longer-lasting, whereas the latter type of folks get involved a lot more often, but also have spectacular flameouts.
> .




Well...that makes sense. I've had two steady boyfriends in my life. The second one I married.....


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## Tad (Nov 17, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> It's one thing to be drawn to the unpolished, another to be persued by an asshole. No way would I waste my time on a guy who's a jerk no matter how interesting he is. I'm not interested in a boyscout either. A guy with some character is what turns my crank. A guy subscribing to this guy's advice would appear too high maintenence to me. I am physically unable to devote energy to someone who creates that much drama.



OK, trying to explain someone elses ideas is probably silly, but Ill take one more shot at it, since I brought it up in the first place. 

Part of it is verbal repartee, and the key to doing that kindly is probably hit the other person in their strong areas, not their weak ones. But it is also body language and general attitude. Not You are a goddess, pleas let me worship you but more You might think you are a prize catch, but there are plenty of fish in the see. Why should I choose to eat you? Maybe the best example I can think of is the relationship on Moonlighting, from what I can recall of it. 

As I said earlier, Im not saying that is the be all and end all of how guys should interact with women. In fact I have a bunch of issues with the authors attitude, and can think of many cases where I think it is probably a bad approach. But I think it may be one of those things that is more true than not, in a general sense. Hence why I suggested that Loves think about the attitudes where shes had sparks and about this guys attitude.


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## iheartsquishys (Dec 27, 2008)

I'm single again. 

It just wasn't right. He kept telling me how much he cared about me and prodding me to confirm that I felt the same way about him. I think he thought I wasn't saying it because of my autism. Its true that it makes it difficult to have that kind of conversation but that wasn't why I wasn't telling him I couldn't live without him. :doh: Now I feel like one of those terrible girls that break the hearts of my buddies. I want to make him feel better but I don't think I can.


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## escapist (Dec 31, 2008)

edx said:


> Somewhere on the internet I did or didn't click some box, and so started receiving an email newsletter on dating advice for guys. Which ends up being quite amusing to read, so I never cancelled it, even if I hope never to be in a dating situation again.
> 
> Anyway, the central thesis of the guy peddling this particular set of advice is essentially that:
> 
> ...



That's not just anybody or some guy with a newsletter, that David DeAngelo one of the most well respected Pickup Artist out there. Personally a guy who has a done a lot for me and those who I have in turn taught the same principals too.

As to them being High Maintenance....maybe, I don't know Ask Chicken Legs if I am; we have a blast together. A strong PUA (pickup Artist) knows how to scale it up or tone it down based on who he is with...calibration and sensitivity to the people you socially interact with is HUGE! I would be a lire if I said I was perfect at it. I will tell you that with the VERY High Maintenance women I HAVE to do this or they will do what they do to all the guys they don't find as potential partners. I find Strippers, Bartenders, Models, and the girls who simply think they are "The Shit" to be higher on the list.

Here is the funny part, after learning how to turn on my own inner cool guy, and just have fun, I stop stressing about how interested I am in her or if I hope she will like me. I tell almost all the guys who ask me about this or dating tips to shut down your brain, get out of your head, and just have fun...she doesn't want to feel your insecurities, why would shy? Why should she? We aren't talking about thought patterns for someone who has been your partner for 10 years we are talking about a woman you probably just met.

I think the thing I like Most about David DeAngelo (the guy that wrote the first 2 parts up there)...and this is what really got my attention, he said, stop working on women, start working on yourself.....in short its no different than the wisdom of over 2000 years ago...."Know Thyself: Socrates' guiding rule was, "Know Thyself." These words are of eternal significance. No better advice has ever been give to man or woman. When one begins to explore this dictate it leads to profound understandings. It makes unhappiness, fear, sadness, doubt, and all the negative emotions meaningless. In other words, your not stuck in a world were you even have to feel worry or stress of anything being, or not being....you are free to simply exist, and enjoy your life, and enjoy the moments you have with others be them 100 years or 10 minutes.


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Added Later:
Oh one more thing 


> Has anyone ever 'given it time' and had that be the right thing to do? I feel like I should, but I also feel like if that spark isn't there, it won't suddenly ignite.



I've been the guy that sparked it, but it wasn't until I grew as a person, learned why what was said above was true and lived it, not just read it. I've had women who I TOTALLY blew it with come back to me now and we have had great chemistry, I see that chemistry as more of a push-pull tug of war playful fun game. Its soooooo not about Wooing a woman, its about creating that amazing vibe and energy, but a guy has to understand that first, you can't just "Give it to him, or wish it on him". This whole thread should show you that Attraction isn't a choice, its a feeling, until he knows how to create that feeling with you (or any other woman) or it will not happen. I would secretly give him David DeAngelo's DVD collection and see if he gives it a chance to seep in...it takes time.


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## chicken legs (Dec 31, 2008)

No chemistry does not come later...but appreciation, and pleasure sometimes can follow...


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## escapist (Dec 31, 2008)

chicken legs said:


> No chemistry does not come later...but appreciation, and pleasure sometimes can follow...



LOL Notice how she doesn't buy into my Frame and agree with me....see now we have to have a Baby Pool Jello Fight to see who the winner is, and find out who is right.....mmmm do I win if I eat all the Jello and just squish you?:eat1:


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## chicken legs (Dec 31, 2008)

even if you don't win you can eat the all the jello and squish me.:eat2:lol


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## escapist (Dec 31, 2008)

chicken legs said:


> even if you don't win you can eat the all the jello and squish me.:eat2:lol



Oh I just took that as a given  ....I'm pulling up lasvegas.craigslist.org right now to find us a pool to use Mahahahaha....we are going to need a camera man for this one.


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