# Former FA now 'Health-Concious'?



## AtlantisAK (Jan 29, 2008)

(I do appologize if this is in the wrong forum...I couldnt think of where this would go other than in the Health forum due to the one matter at hand)

I need Opinions from both sides of Guys and GalsSuggestionsHelpor what you think you would Do. 

Ive been thrown for a loop by my fiancée of 2 and a half years. Hes always been an FA, even though he probably doesnt know what that means. I am probably the second smallest (at 260+ lbs) of his girlfriends that hes ever had. Hes always loved me, my bigness, curves, etcetera. 

But lately hes been hounding me about my health (which basically means my weight, because hes mentioned Diet and Exercise more than once, even moreso since I started my new job which was also about the time I got my IUD, which he was and still is very wary over). Now, Im not unhealthy for my size or terribly out of shape. I can keep up with him and do my share of movin and grovin. Granted, Im not the strong, cow-throwing country girl that what I used to beI still dont have diabetes or breathing problems or anything that really makes me unhealthy. 

Ill admit, yeah, I do have sciaticabut thats all thats wrong with me. So does anyone have any suggestions as to why all of a sudden he wants me to lose some weight to become healthier? Any suggestions as to how I should find out? Ive already tried to ask why and its the same type of response, anger and the sentence "I want you to be healthy."

And God forbid that I had gotten angry one day and said that I was seriously going to do the WLS thing (even though I was only spouting off to hopefully shut him up. I already decided with more researching, that WLS stats really suck, plus I dont ever-- want to go below a size 16.) Hes totally opposed to any form of surgery. And I dont blame him for his fearsBut either way, hes now got his SKINNY mother on my case about weight after the angry WLS threat. She has never been heavy in her life and knows -nothing- about weight loss or diets. Her suggestions were incredibly stupid and not what I wanted to hear or even try.

Hes also been talking more and more about getting Married. I honestly want to marry this man some day, but not right now. I want to stay with him past 3 ½ years, which was how long his longest relationship lasted. I also want to be able to afford a nice wedding, have family over, be secure and set to go on with life. Now Marriage is almost an every day mention for him. I like the idea, but am freaked out by his sudden interest. 

Its like God just smacked him with the Waffle-Ball of Realization. Or something. If I didnt know better, I would have said hes an old man and knew life wasnt complete and he was going to die soon. But hes only 25. No death-sentencing cancer, weird life-threatening disease or angsty story background. And I cant see how this could be related to my new job, even though thats the first thing that comes to mind. 

Guys, gals: has anyone dealt with a sudden change in their significant others behavior? Does anyone have suggestions as to how I could find out whats going on? Maybe my approach just isnt working. I personally dont see our relationship ending because of any of this, but it is very annoying to constantly wonder and feel in the dark. Hes my first relationship and Im actually clueless as to what may be going on in his mind. And leaving John is the very last thing I see myself ever doing.

But my main issue here though in the first place was his concern with my Health(That was before I went off and ventedSorry fellow Dimmers! I meant to discuss the Health issue!)


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## Zoom (Jan 29, 2008)

You _could_ tell him stress is just as bad for you, if not worse, than anything he's shown concern about... and that his showing concern about those other things is stressful to you.

Oh, also, ask him if he loves you for who you are, unconditionally, _in sickness_ and in health, and that if you said you weren't going to try to lose weight, would he accept your consideration of it as healthy?

I've never heard of an _ex-_FA, so this is an interesting development.


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## AnnMarie (Jan 29, 2008)

I don't know here .... knee-jerk reaction is that between media and his mother, he finally drank the Kool-Aid®?

Maybe he's all gung-ho on marriage because he wants kids and thinks you can't have them if you're "unhealthy"=fat?

No clue, but I'd be clear - in no uncertain terms - that if he doesn't wan to be with you as you are RIGHT NOW and not make your weight an issue in your relationship, then the door is thataway.


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## AtlantisAK (Jan 29, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> I don't know here .... knee-jerk reaction is that between media and his mother, he finally drank the Kool-Aid®?
> 
> Maybe he's all gung-ho on marriage because he wants kids and thinks you can't have them if you're "unhealthy"=fat?



He's always telling me he doesn't want kids until we can afford it. Which isnt now. I did get an IUD recently (which, in the begining he was for, for the most part) because I don't want kids for a few years. You might be right in a way, that he does want kids...But maybe now he's afraid that we can't have any now that I got the IUD? It may be a trigger of sorts. John knows well that 'fat-unhealthy' women can have normal babies though...



AnnMarie said:


> No clue, but I'd be clear - in no uncertain terms - that if he doesn't want to be with you as you are RIGHT NOW and not make your weight an issue in your relationship, then the door is thataway.



Weird thing is though, that my weight before was never -ever- an issue (even at 285lbs). It was actually a huge attraction for him. And actually, it still is. It's like he gets two different sides. One loves my fat ass, the other is a health-driven nut. 
He can be all loving, petty and fully hands on one minute, telling me how (pardon the explicitness) great and huge my arse looks in my jeans,(and it's not an erection speaking, nesicarily) then a few seconds later, mentioning that I'd rather ride the bus up the hill than walk, gets him fired up about the health thing. 
It's not that I can't walk up the hill (he's seen me do it many times before without problem), but that I don't really want to. My back aches and I've been so exhausted with the new job lately that I just don't want to if I don't have to.
And I am finding it hard to see how being exhausted from long days and very early mornings, consitutes as unhealthy.

I dunno...any more opinions? I wish i could get an opinion that I can't talk around....but not knowing what's going on with him has me totally stumped. I'm generally a smart person, but this is irritating.


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 30, 2008)

Maybe he's just concerned about your health and nothing more. There are numerous threads on here about the conflict that FAs feel between being physically attracted to fat women and worrying about possible health consequences.

Every human body is different, but it's entirely possible you are facing some health risks, particularly if you have a genetic inclination towards anything like diabetes or high blood pressure. 

I know at least one poster here has said she had mobility issues at your size. That does not mean anyone at your size will have them, but maybe your fiance is concerned that you are experiencing those problems, or are close to experiencing them. Does he ever see you struggle to get up from a chair or get too easily winded when walking a flight of stairs? 

The simple fact is that your heart needs to work harder to pump blood through a larger body, and your joints and skeletal system have to work harder to support more weight. Those are facts regardless of whether or not you have other visible health problems.

Lastly, if he's 25, I'll assume you're around the same age. The ease with which you carry yourself at 25 can diminish at 30 or 35.

I guess what I mean in summation is it is entirely possible for him to be an FA and truly concerned with your health. and none of what I said above is meant to imply anything about your particular condition---i'm not a doctor and i don't know you, so that would be innappropriate.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jan 30, 2008)

AtlantisAK said:


> My back aches and I've been so exhausted with the new job lately that I just don't want to if I don't have to.



Could this be a factor? If there has been a recent change in your behavior -- e.g. being tired more often than you used to be -- it may have set off an alarm for him without his consciously thinking it through. It might be helpful to bring it out in the open and say, "My new job is wearing me out, and it's going to take me a while to adjust, but I WILL adjust to it." Maybe this will inspire him to talk about what's causing him this sudden anxiety about you.


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## Tad (Jan 30, 2008)

Obviously Im just speculating here, not knowing any more than what you said. So your mileage may vary, no warranty express or implied, this opinion is worth what you paid for it, and all of that.

First a quick story. In England they did a series of documentaries, where they talked to a bunch of kids at seven years old, then again at fourteen, twenty-one, twenty-eight, and I think the last one was at thirty-five. A friend of mine was working over in England for a while, and one weekend rented them all and watched them back to back. He mentioned how frequently you saw the same pattern, where you saw the kid in a certain setting at seven, and fourteen nothing much had changed, at twenty-one everything had changed, and by twenty-eight they were in a situation similar to what they had grown up in.

I think you may be seeing a bit of the same pattern. He is an FA, so as a young adult he was a rebel against societies norms, and went out with the women who attracted him. But relationships in that time period are kind of day by day, even when they are hopefully long term. So it has been enough that he was attracted to you, and you were both happy.

But now, for whatever reason, he is starting to think long term. He wants to get married to you. Hes thinking about the wedding, hes thinking about pregnancy, hes thinking about you guys with kids, hes thinking about you guys at your kids high school graduation, about you guys being your parents age. It is pretty normal to model those thoughts on what he has seen. Especially if his parents have a pretty successful relationship and he gets along well with them, he may, even subconsciously, be imagining something like their relationship. And big, beautiful, you, no matter how sexy he may find you, may not be fitting too easily into those images of the future. Doesnt every bride want to look thin? Doesnt every mom go jogging? How will you climb that mountain with the kids when they are in grade school, like his mom did with him in one of his favorite memories? How will you feel with the other moms at ballet recital? Will your kids get teased because of your size? 

Which is all completely stupid. Hes imagining someone elses life, and trying to fit you into it. Surprise-surprise, it doesnt work well!. He needs to stop that, right now. 

(quick reminder that this whole house of cards is pure conjecture on my part, so take the following advice with a cup of salt).

I think the best way to deal with this is by laying out your visions of the possible future, which no doubt also have some unlikely elements, and let the two of you start the process of compare, contrast, and compromise. Be clear that you imagine the two of you married, but more around age X. How you imagine your wedding, and how you look. Talk about how you feel about your weight for the long run. Talk about how you expect to educate your kids about size acceptance, and about the things you dream of doing with them. Talk about how you view you two at sixty-five, and what you hope for retirement with him. In other words, make it clear that you see a future together, and you expect a long and healthy life.

I dont imagine that all of this is the only thing behind his recent issues, but Im thinking it may be a really big part of it. Once that is brought out in the open, maybe the rest of it can be sorted out more easily.

I hope that my two cents here at least gives you some useful ideas.


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## sweet&fat (Jan 30, 2008)

Ok, why is it that suddenly he doesn't trust you to take care of your own health? You are an adult, and I'm assuming you haven't had a sudden dip in IQ.  Have you expressed any dissatisfaction with your body/health recently? If not, he's said his piece and now needs to let it go. Do you harp on him like this, and why does he think it's ok?

If it were me, I would have it out with him and ask just that- why he suddenly thinks he needs to take care of your health for you. Perhaps there is a very specific reason. Of course you want to give him he benefit of the doubt since you care about him. However, having him peck on you like a mother hen will get old REALLY fast. If it hasn't already.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Jan 31, 2008)

When exactly did the nagging start? Before your new job? After you got the IUD? Because I could see several possible reasons for his behavior depending on what seems to have actually triggered the nagging. While I agree, nagging you is wrong, he might actually be doing it out of genuine(if unfounded)concern for you. 

If the new job has aggravated your sciatica and the nagging started after that, it might be as simple as he can't stand to see you in more pain than usual. And whether his thinking is right or wrong on the issue, he may feel it would help you better handle the physical demands of the job if you got more exercise and lost some weight. Again, I'm not saying he's right, or that weight loss is the only solution to the pain, but he could be thinking that it is. And if that is what he's thinking, he may be going through some FA guilt about the conflict of finding you attractive larger, but worrying that it's hurting your quality of life (chronic back pain is no fun after all). If that's the combination of thoughts he's dealing with, he may be nagging you as much to prove to himself he puts your health first as anything else. For example, does he nag more after he's been particularly complimentary to you for a while? This could all be a case of him working out his own inner conflict. 

The other thing you mentioned is the IUD. I don't want to get too personal here, but some of them contain hormones and blood clots can be a risk factor. Is it possible he's read up on that and (if you have a type with hormones) he is concerned about the lack of exercise because of that?

None of this gives him the right to nag you or treat you as anything less than an adult of course, but they might be his reasons. And as for the marriage talk, it sounds like your new job is taking up a lot of your time and energy, maybe he's feeling uncertain and insecure about his place in your life. That might not be something he's conscious of, by the way, but it may be fueling the nagging behavior. In my experience, a lot of people start nagging when they feel a lack of control over a situation or person in their life all of a sudden. Not that he is trying to control you, but he may be feeling a loss of footing and getting any validation that his opinion counts (i.e.,you change some of your behavior because he suggested it) might make him feel better without him really realizing that is what his fears are. Just a thought. Also, edx's point about thinking long term makes sense too. Although, I think the only way you'll truly find out is if you ask him outright.


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## AtlantisAK (Jan 31, 2008)

All of your opinions have been very helpful in pointing out some things and views that I haven't really thought of. 
As soon as I get some time (probably after a nap, lol! Today was the last day for training and it was rough!), I do plan on replying back to each of you. I really do appreciate your opinions and words of advice. With the next two days off, I hope to get a chance to get him set down (even though it's hard to do with his hyperactivity and discussion avoidance) for a talk (again). Hopefully I can bring up some of your guy's views and poke around for better answers from him.
Thank you all...but if you still do have ideas or opinions, I'm still interested in hearing more and more of them.


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## Risible (Jan 31, 2008)

How's the sex life (this is a rhetorical question, something to think about)? That's usually an indicator of the health of a relationship. If things have changed in that department, he may be anxious about it and reacting accordingly.


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## Fascinita (Jan 31, 2008)

Hi Atlantis,

You have every right to decide whether you lose weight or not, in whatever way, or not, you see fit. People who try to control other people are bad news, in my experience. If your boyfriend is getting angry at you when you try to approach a discussion, I would be concerned that this is not a good sign of things to come.

However, as I have only the limited picture that you've given us here, I am sure there are many more mitigating/aggravating factors. The one thing I would want to tell you in any case is that your body and your health are yours to manage, not for someone else to hound you about.

Good luck.


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## Observer (Feb 1, 2008)

OK -- try this scenario:

1) Sonny boy likes big girls - mama knows this, has concerns, but bites lip and keeps quiet because they come and go

2) Sonny boy finally at age 25 zeroes on one he thinks is a keeper - now mama starts paying attention

3) G/F makes mistake of mentioning sciatica problem and brings up WLS -- he freaks out and starts thinking about health issues for first time; he discusses his concerns with momma who now feels entitled to openl;y disuss her fears: "she really needs to be careful, you have your whole life ahead of you. How is she going to take care of a hyperactive three year old at her size, yada yada yada"

4) Sonny boy now gets very concerned about issues he hasn't thought about before - he make like big beautiful eye candy but now he wants to be responsible family head for life and he's thinking with his head not just his gut.

Bottom line: he loves you but your remarks have him concerned. At 25 he's not experianced in how to transition friom b/f to husband but feels the drive to do it. Remedy: some lengthy and very mutually conciliatory talks filled with an awareness of the need for understanding the other's concerns. First rule: no discussing anything about this or any future health issue with mama.


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## mediaboy (Feb 1, 2008)

Observer said:


> OK -- try this scenario:
> 
> 1) Sonny boy likes big girls - mama knows this, has concerns, but bites lip and keeps quiet because they come and go
> 
> ...



That is pretty much what I was thinking. I would also discuss if he feels any guilt about your weight. He could be doing all this to make sure that you aren't "keeping" the weight for him, as assinign as that may sound. regardless of what we say I strongly recommend you ask this young man what he thinks and how he feels and then share your feelings and thoughts so that a general atmosphere of openness will envelope the both of you so that you can talk and cry and then kiss and make up and go out for ice cream :eat1:


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## ripley (Feb 1, 2008)

I just skimmed the responses, so do excuse me if I repeat some stuff. 


You know what struck me upon first reading this? That her guy had, for the first time, fallen deeply in love as an adult. He truly loves _*her*_...more than just how her body pleases him, and he panicked. He is invested in her deeply, and wants her around for a long, long time. I think as soon as he realizes that as things go you're healthy, and that none of us are guaranteed a long life, he will relax about it a little.


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## Risible (Feb 1, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Hi Atlantis,
> 
> You have every right to decide whether you lose weight or not, in whatever way, or not, you see fit. People who try to control other people are bad news, in my experience. If your boyfriend is getting angry at you when you try to approach a discussion, I would be concerned that this is not a good sign of things to come.
> 
> ...



Actually, Fascinita, I have to respectfully disagree with you in part. In a bf/gf relationship, there's no commitment, even if you are in love; basically either part can walk away, no strings attached, at any point. In this relationship your body and your health are your responsibility.

Generally speaking, most people enter into marriage with the mindset that it will be for the rest of his/her life. Health now and in the future is an important consideration, even at the age of 25 when good health is almost a given. In a marriage where both husband and wife share all things in common in a legal context, it's possible, but not easy, to walk away from a partner who's in failing or ill health, much more so than in an uncommitted relationship. There are stronger moral, legal and financial ties in a marriage.

I'm married, and I hold my husband's health as important as mine. His wellbeing is tied to mine. If I have a concern over a health problem of his, I nag him about it; and vice versa. When he's not well, it impacts me almost as much as him. We're partners in good health.

My boyfriends? Well, of course I wanted them to be well and healthy, but the intimate details of their health was, appropriately, hidden from me. As in, none of my business. Of course, that went both ways.

You personally may not agree with this, but even with today's looser standards, marriage is more binding than an uncommitted relationship, and Atlantis' bf may be more concerned with the future health of his chosen mate now that he's facing marriage.


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## Tad (Feb 1, 2008)

Just a quick thought: a lot of guys I know do better at talking about things when also doing something--taking a walk, playing scrabble, even washing dishes. So if he is literally hyperactive, maybe not 'sitting him down for a talk' so much as 'go for a walk and talk about it' or something like that?

(obviously you know best what actually works between you two, just thought I'd share this, as it was one that took my wife and I a while to figure out).


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## Lamia (Feb 1, 2008)

It could be that he is afraid of losing you and doesn't understand that you can be both fat and fit. I mean we are pounded by the media every day about how fat people are going to croak any minute. I would assure him that you are just as concerned about your health. I would ask him to start walking with you so that he knows that you do like to be healthy. He may think you don't care about yourself or something.


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## Waxwing (Feb 3, 2008)

He could be worried about your health, with no agenda other than that. If he's thinking of marriage, he's also thinking of spending the rest of his life with you. He might worry that "the rest" isn't long enough. 

I am NOT saying that your weight is making you unhealthy. But that might be what he fears. 

You also mentioned that he's uneasy about your IUD (weird since they're safe and awesome, but some people do have odd fears about them). That sounds to me like he's just in super protective mode, loving you and wanting you to be as well as possible. Out of love.

Definitely talk to him about it. Tell him that it makes you feel less accepted. 

But don't, at least at this point, read it as anything other than concern and love. Because I don't see anything sinister in it at all.


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