# The Official Thread For Really Bad Advice



## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

To all the BHM's and FFA or whatever the hell you consider yourself that are looking to find love here's some bad advice for you, pick up a crippling drug addiction there's always some woman or man that will have a soft spot and take you in and no matter how much you ruin their life they will always love you.

remember, people tend to like challenges.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 19, 2012)

Stalk them. Don't take 'no' for an answer. Hell, dignity is just a word and wearing them down usually works. Usually. Make sure Mom has bail money just in case.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

Honesty is always the best policy, even when a woman asks how they look in that dress they picked up at goodwill.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 19, 2012)

First impressions are lasting impressions. Alcohol isn't called 'liquid courage' for nothing. Copious amounts, but not so much that they're mopping up your courage, unless they're a nurse, then Nightingale Syndrome might work in your favor.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 19, 2012)

Hey now, why are you telling my secret? haha.



WhiteHotRazor said:


> To all the BHM's and FFA or whatever the hell you consider yourself that are looking to find love here's some bad advice for you, pick up a crippling drug addiction there's always some woman or man that will have a soft spot and take you in and no matter how much you ruin their life they will always love you.
> 
> remember, people tend to like challenges.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

If you go home with a random stranger and just so happen to look in their medicine cabinet and see Valtrex, don't freak out most likely it's their roommates.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 19, 2012)

Go ahead and have another baby, The world needs more kids dragged up without a father.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 19, 2012)

WhiteHotRazor said:


> If you go home with a random stranger and just so happen to look in their medicine cabinet and see Valtrex, don't freak out most likely it's their roommates.


If they have no roommate, it's definitely their cat's. Don't dis the cat, dude/ette.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

When a woman is being a complete JERK (i say this word only to keep my feminist rep in tact on this dumb site) a good way to make them realize their poor behavior is to tell them that "They really are just like their mother" works every time.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 19, 2012)

Don't lie to a man and tell him 'size doesn't matter' but at the same time, make sure you have a concrete exit plan. And cab fare home.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

At social events a good way to get everyone in a really cheerful mood is to bring up politics and religion, make sure to tell everyone else their opinion sucks and that they're idiots for not thinking like you, maybe even use the word "reprehensible" a few times. They all will come around and everything will completely rock. For extra fun mix in tequila shots.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 19, 2012)

when you don't have a condom, just raw dog it and pull out. 

Alternatively, use saran wrap. 

Alternatively to that, make sure she does some jumping jacks when the deed is done. 

Crisis averted.


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## theronin23 (Sep 19, 2012)

If you keep a condom in your wallet, the heat of being against your body eventually damages the integrity of the condom. Take a sewing needle and poke some holes into the wrapper for ventilation. Problem solved.


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## The Dark Lady (Sep 19, 2012)

Always open surprise birthday presents from your lovers early. Like, _super_ early. They REALLY like it when you do that. *coff coff*


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

Black women really like it when you touch their hair, give it a try sometime to a random stranger just to see how much it makes their day.


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## Tad (Sep 19, 2012)

Make sure everyone knows that you are the smartest person in the room.


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## MrBob (Sep 19, 2012)

When in doubt....whip it out!


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## Goreki (Sep 19, 2012)

Teach them the beauty of romantic love. Don't let reason, the word "no" or a restraining order stop you.


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## cakeboy (Sep 19, 2012)

Always get in the van. Sometimes there really is free candy!


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## seeker421 (Sep 19, 2012)

Never drive drunk but if you must drive drunk drive really fast so you aren't on the road as long.

Also never try to bribe a cop when he pulls you over for speeding and driving drunk, offer him a beer instead.


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## Melian (Sep 19, 2012)

You can evade public masturbation charges by telling the police that you are a diplomat.

Keep some Ativan on hand if you think you may OD on blow - they totally cancel each other.

If you think your pants are too tight, just make sure that the ass is super baggy. This compensates and looks so sexy.

No no...your small dog is not annoying as fuck. Take that thing everywhere.


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## sarahe543 (Sep 19, 2012)

Wear sportswear only if you do not participate in any sports. Lots of it, I mean it looks SO hot, especially man made materials


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## Tad (Sep 19, 2012)

Don't worry--just let the politicians take care of it!


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 19, 2012)

When visiting or travelling through Los Angeles make sure to boldly wear blue or red apparel,it's a good way of showing your patriotism to a great American city.


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## HDANGEL15 (Sep 19, 2012)

*when riding a motorcycle it is very sexy to wear no shirt, shorts and flip flops, or white sneakers show how TRUELY BAD ASS you are...
as worn by JAX ON SOA*


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## lovelocs (Sep 19, 2012)

WhiteHotRazor said:


> Black women really like it when you touch their hair, give it a try sometime to a random stranger just to see how much it makes their day.



I'm sorry, but we no longer answer to the term
black, negro, colored, or even African-American. 
The preferred term is now "Cornbread Boogaloo," 
and in order to display your political awareness 
and willingness to embrace diversity, I suggest 
you all individually find an assembled group of 
people of African descent, and introduce yourselves 
loudly, proudly, and at least 3 blocks away from your car.


Blame Charles Cozart for this one. 

View attachment themoreyouknow.jpg


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## MattB (Sep 19, 2012)

"If some is good, more is better" applies to all situations. All of them. No exceptions...


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## CastingPearls (Sep 20, 2012)

Make sure you repeatedly point out all their flaws. Go into great detail, in case they haven't gotten your point, and remind them several times. Their gratitude may appear like exasperation but you will be rewarded with an embrace that only looks like a punch in the nuts. Lean back and reap the benefits of your good deeds.


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## Paquito (Sep 20, 2012)

Shove your opinion into every facet of her life. Make that silly girl see that you obviously know what's best for her! Every girl is a damsel in distress, so you need to be their white knight.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 20, 2012)

Pursue her relentlessly and publicly even if it takes years. Then once she favorably responds to your attention, tell her you love her. Share intimate memories and moments with her. Tell her your greatest fears and make her believe that it's real, not like with those other assholes. Reassure her every reluctance. Make her trust you. Make plans with her, and share them with your mutual friends and family. Dedicate special things to her. And then, to show her who's boss, cut off all communication and ignore her pleas to even know whether you're dead or alive because you're the man. Then, when she's finally over you and moved on, invade her safe spaces and dominate them while pointedly ignoring her, to continue showing her who's boss. 

Everyone will love you for it, most especially your mutual friends.


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## MrBob (Sep 20, 2012)

sarahe543 said:


> Wear sportswear only if you do not participate in any sports. Lots of it, I mean it looks SO hot, especially man made materials



I do love the way Nylon tracksuits chafe my inner thighs!


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## penguin (Sep 20, 2012)

When meeting your partner's parents for the first time, take the edge off by getting drunk and naked. It'll make everyone laugh and put them at ease. They'll love you for it. This works even better in public settings. Hit on Grandma if she's there, the old gal will appreciate the attention.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

Are you for real here? Seriously?

Did you not get the gist of the thread? And come on, there's been a freaking movie about black women and their hair. His post wasn't a stretch by any means. And do you even know if this man has a black wife or black kids or a multitude of black friends? I'm kind of confused where all of this came from. I have a sister that is black and her hair is a big deal all the time. I think she would find it funny as hell.

Edit: Theronin23 thinks your kidding. And I thought so at first too, so apologies if you were. But if you weren't, i'm still confused. Haha.



lovelocs said:


> I'm sorry, but we no longer answer to the term
> black, negro, colored, or even African-American.
> The preferred term is now "Cornbread Boogaloo,"
> and in order to display your political awareness
> ...


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## theronin23 (Sep 20, 2012)

penguin said:


> When meeting your partner's parents for the first time, take the edge off by getting drunk and naked. It'll make everyone laugh and put them at ease. They'll love you for it. This works even better in public settings. Hit on Grandma if she's there, the old gal will appreciate the attention.



It'll be a great story at the wedding!



Surlysomething said:


> Are you for real here? Seriously?
> 
> Did you not get the gist of the thread? And come on, there's been a freaking movie about black women and their hair. His post wasn't a stretch by any means. And do you even know if this man has a black wife or black kids or a multitude of black friends? I'm kind of confused where all of this came from. I have a sister that is black and her hair is a big deal all the time. I think she would find it funny as hell.



I think she was kidding. Giving more bad advice. She said they answer to "Cornbread Boogaloo" FFS lol.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

theronin23 said:


> I think she was kidding. Giving more bad advice. She said they answer to "Cornbread Boogaloo" FFS lol.



I really hope so.


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## Sasquatch! (Sep 20, 2012)

Surlysomething said:


> I really hope so.



Surly..... calm down. She's OBVIOUSLY joining in. :doh:


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## imfree (Sep 20, 2012)

I've heard that caffeine counteracts alcohol, so a person who's been drinking needs to make that "last one for the road", coffee.

Really bad advice!


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

Excuse me? Obviously? I didn't see it as obvious and other people that I have talked to privately didn't either. I also edited my comment. So maybe it's you that needs to calm down? Yep.





Sasquatch! said:


> Surly..... calm down. She's OBVIOUSLY joining in. :doh:


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## Sasquatch! (Sep 20, 2012)

Surlysomething said:


> Excuse me? Obviously? I didn't see it as obvious and other people that I have talked to privately didn't either. I also edited my comment. So maybe it's you that needs to calm down? Yep.



Haha. That'll teach me to refresh an old page before I hit reply.

-------------

Always suspect someone of throwing a race-based hissy fit in a sarcastic thread. 

Try your best to take someone's comments in a negative way. Bite their head off too, they will fall over themselves in an attempt to apologise and you can proceed to arse-rape them to your heart's content.

Never ask someone what they mean. Who knows more what they intended to say than strangers?


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

You're really not trying to school me on thread etiquette, are you? Haha.

Please say no. 




Sasquatch! said:


> Haha. That'll teach me to refresh an old page before I hit reply.
> 
> -------------
> 
> ...


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## Sasquatch! (Sep 20, 2012)

The only way to gain respect is by kicking people in the balls. Do so on a regular basis.


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## theronin23 (Sep 20, 2012)




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## Sasquatch! (Sep 20, 2012)

theronin23 said:


>



Hahaha! Where's that from?


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## theronin23 (Sep 20, 2012)

Sasquatch! said:


> Hahaha! Where's that from?



The TV show Psych, I believe.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 20, 2012)

lovelocs said:


> I'm sorry, but we no longer answer to the term
> black, negro, colored, or even African-American.
> The preferred term is now "Cornbread Boogaloo,"
> and in order to display your political awareness
> ...



BAHAHAHAHA!! Cornbread boogaloo!!


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

Getting all up in a woman's business while she has PMS is sure to win you bonus points in every aspect of your relationship together.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 20, 2012)

If you haven't started smoking already you should really start now,those tv ads with the bodybags are all a buncha propaganda, fuckin liberals trying to push their agendas on everyone...and if you hadn't heard,all the cool kids are doing it duh. Plus it makes your clothes smell so good and the public is really accommodating to your habit unless you live in Europe or Nashville.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

WhiteHotRazor said:


> If you haven't started smoking already you should really start now,those tv ads with the bodybags are all a buncha propaganda, fuckin liberals trying to push their agendas on everyone...and if you hadn't heard,all the cool kids are doing it duh. Plus it makes your clothes smell so good and the public is really accommodating to your habit unless you live in Europe or Nashville.



I loooove the smell of stale cigarette smoke and unwashed clothes. It's so retro!


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## lovelocs (Sep 20, 2012)

Hello Surly,
I did "get" whitehotrazor's post, and was merely riffing on it, for the exact reason that I appreciated it. As a woman with hip length dreadlocks, or locs, I know what it's like to have people touch my hair without asking (and even asking can be odious, because a polite person will feel obligated to say 'yes'). Also, the post contained the type of insight which points to him or her having more than a superficial acquaintance with black culture. So yes, to me it was rather obvious that razor, if not black, had at least met enough black people to have encountered this issue, if not made the gaffe his or herself. Actually, this didn't make me angry or pissy, it made me comfortable enough to share a joke I wouldn't share with a room full of random internet folk. This is the BHM/FFA section of DIMS, my old stomping ground. I got comfortable, and I'm going to stay comfortable.

As for taking offense, you might have done well to do two things: 

1. If you were pming anyone at all, you could have sent one to me, asking for clarification. You didn't. Why not? 

2. You could have taken a look at previous postings that I've made in the forums. Would have taken a bit more time, but it's something I've done in order to better ascertain what someone may have meant by their comments. If you look at my past postings, you'll see that I'm not a shit-stirrer by any means, that I like a good joke on nearly any subject, and that I think before I post. 

And yes, if Sassy wasn't, then *I* am trying to school you in forum etiquette. 

Lastly, I tried to make my comment so incredibly over the top that NO ONE would doubt for a moment that I was joking. I even referenced the comedian who had come up with the original routine. I see that I will have to work harder in the future. 

View attachment mustache twirl 1.jpeg


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## djudex (Sep 20, 2012)

Gods be damned I wish this rep system worked like I need it to work!


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## cakeboy (Sep 20, 2012)

Legally change your name to Cornbread Boogaloo, and wear a name tag to your local soul food joint.

Also, for shits and giggles, draw pictures of Mohammed and post them on the internet. Muslims love that shit.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 20, 2012)

I went back and edited my post because I realized you could read it two ways. I got it wrong.

And honestly, it's not a big deal and I don't need to be schooled. You don't come here enough for me to really care about your opinion on how I reacted and as for the other guys, their approach is coming from their youth and I pretty much excuse that too. *I'm sorry I got it wrong* and truth be told, the first time I read it I laughed because I thought it was in jest.

So apologies all around to everyone who feels they need to have one. And to peanut gallery, grow some fucking balls.





lovelocs said:


> Hello Surly,
> I did "get" whitehotrazor's post, and was merely riffing on it, for the exact reason that I appreciated it. As a woman with hip length dreadlocks, or locs, I know what it's like to have people touch my hair without asking (and even asking can be odious, because a polite person will feel obligated to say 'yes'). Also, the post contained the type of insight which points to him or her having more than a superficial acquaintance with black culture. So yes, to me it was rather obvious that razor, if not black, had at least met enough black people to have encountered this issue, if not made the gaffe his or herself. Actually, this didn't make me angry or pissy, it made me comfortable enough to share a joke I wouldn't share with a room full of random internet folk. This is the BHM/FFA section of DIMS, my old stomping ground. I got comfortable, and I'm going to stay comfortable.
> 
> As for taking offense, you might have done well to do two things:
> ...


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## bigmac (Sep 20, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> First impressions are lasting impressions. Alcohol isn't called 'liquid courage' for nothing. Copious amounts, but not so much that they're mopping up your courage, unless they're a nurse, then Nightingale Syndrome might work in your favor.



But remember to do your drinking in public. You won't get any play if you pass out on your sofa.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 21, 2012)

Always assume that all gay dudes can't fight, just because they go to the gym and are generally more in shape then any average citizen doesnt matter, theyre tinkerbells,call em queers to their faces and always treat them like they should be a little scared a hate crime might get committed at any moment.


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## Melian (Sep 21, 2012)

cakeboy said:


> Also, for shits and giggles, draw pictures of Mohammed and post them on the internet.



This isn't bad advice. It's about time that the radicals realize that no one gives a shit about their idiotic religion except them, and that disagreement isn't punishable by death, either.


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## MrBob (Sep 21, 2012)

Melian said:


> This isn't bad advice. It's about time that the radicals realize that no one gives a shit about their idiotic religion except them, and that disagreement isn't punishable by death, either.



This +100000000

I watched that Muhammed film...it was so bad it was hilarious. FMU! (Fatwah me Up!)

Back to the bad advice :-

'I've taken out a restraining order' is just another way of saying 'I love you'


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## imfree (Sep 21, 2012)

Melian said:


> This isn't bad advice. It's about time that the radicals realize that no one gives a shit about their idiotic religion except them, and that disagreement isn't punishable by death, either.



Winner of a statement!!! I'm thinking every religion needs a "First, do no harm" verse!


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## imfree (Sep 21, 2012)

Old style house fuses that keep blowing can be fixed by placing a penny behind a blown fuse.

DON'T EVER DO IT!!! SERIOUS DANGER TO LIFE AND PROPERTY!!! 

View attachment Fuse-Box wb md.jpg


View attachment House-Fire.jpg


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## Tad (Sep 21, 2012)

The people doing security screening at the airport are pretty bored, and LOVE it if you joke with them. Cracks about explosives in your underwear are a sure fire winner!


If cops pulls you over for speeding, ask them if they've ever sped when off duty. If you really keep pushing the point, eventually they'll admit it and then let you off. (same theory works if you are carrying any not strictly approved items with you)


Those spike strips at some of the rental car places--they are just for show. Just back up over them sometime and you'll see, they don't really do anything 


If traffic is too slow for your taste, try some of those tricks to get around that you've seen in movies and TV--you can do them no problem.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 21, 2012)

Next time you're in the mood and your girl doesn't want to do it because she is on her period, point out to her that her mouth isn't bleeding. Chicks sometimes forget about that simple fact and are grateful to us for pointing it out for them.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 21, 2012)

Just go for the butt, no warning! Women LOVE that.




LeoGibson said:


> Next time you're in the mood and your girl doesn't want to do it because she is on her period, point out to her that her mouth isn't bleeding. Chicks sometimes forget about that simple fact and are grateful to us for pointing it out for them.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 21, 2012)

Surlysomething said:


> Just go for the butt, no warning! Women LOVE that.



That advice goes both ways. Ladies, even if your man gets squirmy if you graze his butt with a fingernail and loudly claims HELL NAW, ain't nothing going up there. It's exit only. Don't pay any attention to that, he's really just too shy to say c'mon baby girl and jam that digit in all the way to the second knuckle.


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## WVMountainrear (Sep 21, 2012)

You guys have me thinking about this:

She's obviously been given great advice on everything men want in a blow job.


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## MrBob (Sep 22, 2012)

LeoGibson said:


> That advice goes both ways. Ladies, even if your man gets squirmy if you graze his butt with a fingernail and loudly claims HELL NAW, ain't nothing going up there. It's exit only. Don't pay any attention to that, he's really just too shy to say c'mon baby girl and jam that digit in all the way to the second knuckle.



 :blush:


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 22, 2012)

lovelylady78 said:


> You guys have me thinking about this:
> 
> She's obviously been given great advice on everything men want in a blow job.



Ahaahhaha, so weird. A friend and I were talking about blow-jobs and I just showed this to her yesterday.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 22, 2012)

Make sure you put a lot of that red-orange sauce, you know the one with all the seeds in it, from the taco truck all over your tacos. Especially if you are on a jobsite without restroom access. Everything will be just fine.


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## seeker421 (Sep 22, 2012)

Be sure to talk about all of your emotional issues on a first date, women love that. Cry a lot so she'll think you are sensitive and make her pay for the date so she feels empowered.

Don't whip out your junk until after the entree. Show her how refined you are by extending your pinky when flashing your junk.


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## chicken legs (Sep 22, 2012)

When catching up with an old friend ..or getting to know a new one..via the internet ...send them a pic of your private parts out of the blue.


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## Surlysomething (Sep 22, 2012)

Gotta love a rogue penis attachment.




chicken legs said:


> When catching up with an old friend ..or getting to know a new one..via the internet ...send them a pic of your private parts out of the blue.


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## theronin23 (Sep 22, 2012)

Surlysomething said:


> Gotta love a rogue penis attachment.



Rogue Penis Attachment is the name of my new band. Yes, we play cock rock.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 22, 2012)

theronin23 said:


> Rogue Penis Attachment is the name of my new band. Yes, we play cock rock.



Do you need an opener? My punk band Skin Flute Brigade just dropped our first album, it's called Chokin' Our Way To The Top. We would love to get into a slot somewhere. Or at least in a rotation!


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## Surlysomething (Sep 22, 2012)

I think this gig needs an opener for the opener. I suggest one of my fave bands "Anal Cunt" to attempt this position. They're known for loosening up the crowd and getting everyone (chicks and dudes) sweaty.






LeoGibson said:


> Do you need an opener? My punk band Skin Flute Brigade just dropped our first album, it's called Chokin' Our Way To The Top. We would love to get into a slot somewhere. Or at least in a rotation!


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## bremerton (Sep 24, 2012)

hand out coathangers to the protestors outside planned parenthood.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 30, 2012)

When smoking ribs and you wish to turn a log so that it burns more evenly, go ahead and use your bare hand to grab it. It won't burn if you have quick hands. At least not too much anyway. :doh:


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## MrBob (Sep 30, 2012)

When you're asked what your weaknesses are at a job interview, look lovingly into their eyes, place your hands on theirs and say: "You".


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## bremerton (Oct 1, 2012)

MrBob said:


> When you're asked what your weaknesses are at a job interview, look lovingly into their eyes, place your hands on theirs and say: "You".



BAHAHAHA. this made my next couple of days. as one of those funemployed types, i might have to use this.


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## HDANGEL15 (Oct 1, 2012)

*when you are at a party and a stranger 0ffers you *unnamed* drugs....
say "YES please, 2x what every one else has had"*


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## liz (di-va) (Oct 8, 2012)

This is a great thread.

(I am going to follow _all_ the advice in it.)


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## JayDanger (Oct 13, 2012)

Live every week like it's shark week.


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## JayDanger (Oct 13, 2012)

Also, if you want to smack someone's ass, remember to say "good game" afterwards. It's not sexual harassment if you say "good game".


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## Miskatonic (Oct 16, 2012)

Ventriloquism is a talent that lends itself well to funerals.


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## samuraiscott (Oct 25, 2012)

Ignore the warning signs. ALL of them. Oh, and the writing on the wall while you're at it.


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## CleverBomb (Oct 26, 2012)

Dare to be Stupid!


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## Goreki (Oct 26, 2012)

Don't listen to Tad.


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## Surlysomething (Oct 31, 2012)

You might want to talk down to Tina, that shit gets you in her good books in a big way.


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## JenFromOC (Oct 31, 2012)

The hair straightener is hot, but not that hot...so it's ok if you rest it on your forehead for a second.


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## samuraiscott (Nov 3, 2012)

Go ahead and offer the Officer who comes to your door at 3 AM one of the special brownies you made for the party he is telling you to break up due to the noise complaints from your neighbors.


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## BLK360 (Nov 4, 2012)

No means yes, always.


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## CastingPearls (Nov 4, 2012)

Never trust your gut. It's probably gas.


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## LeoGibson (Nov 4, 2012)

In keeping with the one above me. Whenever you get that good pressure in your gut and feel the burn throughout your lower region. Go ahead and push it on out as hard as you can. It's always just gas.


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## CastingPearls (Nov 4, 2012)

To add: If doing the above in the presence of a first date, just explain that you were trusting your instincts and that's always good in case you're attacked by bears or something. She/He will probably give you oral sex and cake as a reward for potentially saving them from hypothetical bears.


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## fat hiker (Nov 4, 2012)

Go ahead, text while approaching the stop sign that leads to a busy highway...


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## Melian (Nov 6, 2012)

Get a PhD. It makes you SO employable.


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## seeker421 (Nov 7, 2012)

If someone is following you too close on the freeway stop, they probably want to talk to you. The best way to stop on the freeway is just to slam your foot down on the brake and turn the steering wheel as far to the left as it will go. once you have successfully stopped it will be time to meet your new friend.


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## biglynch (Nov 7, 2012)

when on a packed train and only one seat is available, and its the one right next to you. Look directly at the cute blond standing by the door, try to look as mental as possible and give said empty seat a littly pat 3 times. She will not be able to resist such a charming gesture.

...and thankyou.


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## Surlysomething (Nov 7, 2012)

I totally pictured you doing that in my mind. TOO funny! 



biglynch said:


> when on a packed train and only one seat is available, and its the one right next to you. Look directly at the cute blond standing by the door, try to look as mental as possible and give said empty seat a littly pat 3 times. She will not be able to resist such a charming gesture.
> 
> ...and thankyou.


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## biglynch (Nov 11, 2012)

i've been real close to doing it.


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## ~KawaiiFFA~ (Dec 13, 2012)

If you're one of those old-school types, when you ask your girlfriend's father for his blessing, be sure to mention that you've heard sex only gets better after marriage. Say that this seems impossible because you and his daughter have been having steamy, filthy naked-time since your first date. Ask him if this has been his experience and mention what a fox your soon-to-be mother-in-law is. He'll be touched that you have such admiration for the women in his life and invite you into the family with open arms.


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## I'm Not Zoidberg (Dec 14, 2012)

When you see a woman with really large breasts, be sure to eyeball them like Beavis & Butthead watching a 3D porn flick. Make the appropriate Beavis & Butthead sound effects, too. Once you have gained her attention this way, further lighten the mood by saying something witty like "Yah...don't walk so fast, baby doll, you don't wanna give yourself a black eye!" Rest assured, she will find your irreverent humor utterly adorable, and will be charmed and impressed by your self-confident candor.

Trust me, I'm from California. I know what I'm talking about.


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## BigChaz (Dec 15, 2012)

I'm Not Zoidberg said:


> When you see a woman with really large breasts, be sure to eyeball them like Beavis & Butthead watching a 3D porn flick. Make the appropriate Beavis & Butthead sound effects, too. Once you have gained her attention this way, further lighten the mood by saying something witty like "Yah...don't walk so fast, baby doll, you don't wanna give yourself a black eye!" Rest assured, she will find your irreverent humor utterly adorable, and will be charmed and impressed by your self-confident candor.
> 
> Trust me, I'm from California. I know what I'm talking about.



I'm not sure what breasts are. Can you provide examples?


----------



## I'm Not Zoidberg (Dec 15, 2012)

BigChaz said:


> I'm not sure what breasts are. Can you provide examples?



Well, here in Los Angeles, they are plastic objects (often filled with a saline solution) that are surgically inserted under the skin of a woman's chest. Mind you, I've heard wild stories on these hyar interwebs that in other parts of the world - get this, now - _women actually grow breasts on their own!_

Sounds pretty far-fetched to me, though.


----------



## BigChaz (Dec 15, 2012)

I'm Not Zoidberg said:


> Well, here in Los Angeles, they are plastic objects (often filled with a saline solution) that are surgically inserted under the skin of a woman's chest. Mind you, I've heard wild stories on these hyar interwebs that in other parts of the world - get this, now - _women actually grow breasts on their own!_
> 
> Sounds pretty far-fetched to me, though.



YOU SIT UPON A THRONE OF LIES


----------



## ~KawaiiFFA~ (Dec 15, 2012)

I'm Not Zoidberg said:


> Well, here in Los Angeles, they are plastic objects (often filled with a saline solution) that are surgically inserted under the skin of a woman's chest. Mind you, I've heard wild stories on these hyar interwebs that in other parts of the world - get this, now - _women actually grow breasts on their own!_
> 
> Sounds pretty far-fetched to me, though.



I'm from Los Angeles and I have (tiny) natural boobs. I'm also not blonde and my pants are a reasonable size 4/6. 

I don't live there now (though I spend part of the year there and I'm moving back after college,) but I swear that FFAs exist in SoCal!

P.S. I know you're (sort of) kidding. I'll admit that big boobies on stick legs abound in our area.


----------



## I'm Not Zoidberg (Dec 15, 2012)

~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> I don't live there now (though I spend part of the year there and I'm moving back after college,) but I swear that FFAs exist in SoCal!



What...what what _what?_ You...you mean I won't have to move back to the rural Midwest, where I was in FFA heaven for several wonderful years...?

:bow: Thank you! My faith in Los Angeles may yet be restored. :bow:



~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> P.S. I know you're (sort of) kidding. I'll admit that big boobies on stick legs abound in our area.



Also, don't forget the obligatory spray-on tan. Every true Angeleno knows boobies ain't really boobies unless they're as orange as Burt Reynolds was in _Boogie Nights_.


----------



## ~KawaiiFFA~ (Dec 15, 2012)

I'm Not Zoidberg said:


> Also, don't forget the obligatory spray-on tan. Every true Angeleno knows boobies ain't really boobies unless they're as orange as Burt Reynolds was in _Boogie Nights_.



Ha! Although honestly, I encounter far worse spray-tans on the East Coast, particularly in Jersey and Long Island. There is a certain breed of long nailed, Ugg-boots and leggings clad, orange beasts with ratty hair extensions that you will only find in these two places. During high school in Jersey I was constantly harangued and nagged because I didn't want to go bake in a booth. There's not enough sunlight to get an actual tan so everyone has that awful orange look. The east coast is tan-crazy.

And...glad I could "restore your faith?" xD


----------



## Sasquatch! (Dec 15, 2012)

~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> I'm from Los Angeles and I have (tiny) natural boobs. I'm also not blonde and my pants are a reasonable size 4/6.
> 
> I don't live there now (though I spend part of the year there and I'm moving back after college,) but I swear that FFAs exist in SoCal!
> 
> P.S. I know you're (sort of) kidding. I'll admit that big boobies on stick legs abound in our area.



You would make a decent looking man. And it's ok to tell women this. They love it.


----------



## ~KawaiiFFA~ (Dec 15, 2012)

Sasquatch! said:


> You would make a decent looking man. And it's ok to tell women this. They love it.



I'm bi-gender, so thanks. (See my post in the GLBTQ thread.)

Well _THAT_ didn't go as expected.


----------



## ~KawaiiFFA~ (Dec 15, 2012)

Always be a smarmy snot and stick your tongue out at other forum goers. 

This is an easy way to acquire rep and integrate yourself into the community.


----------



## Sasquatch! (Dec 16, 2012)

~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> Well _THAT_ didn't go as expected.



Oh didn't it?


----------



## Amaranthine (Dec 16, 2012)

Sasquatch! said:


> You would make a decent looking man. And it's ok to tell women this. They love it.



Alternatively, tell a woman she would make a decent looking woman.


----------



## Sweetie (Dec 16, 2012)

Date a married guy and BELIEVE HIM when he tells you what a horrible B***H his wife is.


----------



## Sasquatch! (Dec 16, 2012)

Amaranthine said:


> Alternatively, tell a woman she would make a decent looking woman.



I'm pretty sure I already apologized for that.


----------



## biglynch (Dec 16, 2012)

> I go to a gentlemen's club usually once or twice every 3 months. About 8 months ago, I ran across a girl that goes by Kendra. We talk everytime I'm out and we almost read each others' mind. She will also avoid people that would pay her alot more than me just to sit and talk with me. Just last week Friday, we were talking and she brought up the idea of us possibly having dinner sometime and I made a comment along the lines of I wasn't sure because I thought my size would frighten her if we tried to progress in potential relationship details. She leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I don't like skinny guys." I don't know what to think or what to do. We just started talking to each other outside of the place where she works. Should I go through and see what could potentially happen or should I let sleeping dogs lie?.



you should go for it, Go get her a ring fast!


----------



## ~KawaiiFFA~ (Dec 16, 2012)

Edit: [DATA EXPUNGED, I'm drunk.]


----------



## Mordecai (Dec 16, 2012)

~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> Edit: [DATA EXPUNGED, I'm drunk.]



Always post while drunk!


----------



## BigChaz (Dec 16, 2012)

~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> Edit: [DATA EXPUNGED, I'm drunk.]



Damnit. Now I really want to freakin know


----------



## besthandsomeman (Dec 20, 2012)

~KawaiiFFA~ said:


> If you're one of those old-school types, when you ask your girlfriend's father for his blessing, be sure to mention that you've heard sex only gets better after marriage. Say that this seems impossible because you and his daughter have been having steamy, filthy naked-time since your first date. Ask him if this has been his experience and mention what a fox your soon-to-be mother-in-law is. He'll be touched that you have such admiration for the women in his life and invite you into the family with open arms.



YES this. This is actually how i have envisioned asking for kawaiis hand in marriage. I mean me and her dad had a similar yet very different conversation the first time i met him. I am sworn to secrecy about the conversation and what it was actually about but saying this will drive kawaii crazy. I suggest all boyfriends follow in my footsteps and tease the shit out of your girlfriends,m poking fun at secrets you share with their fathers, making them wonder whether or not the conversation actually went one awkward way or another. I swear this just leads to cute little flustered faces and not red hot angry embarrassed ones. (BEST ADVICE EVAR.) (also I am sure my grammar was terrible in this post please don't be angry with me and if you want to correct me that is cool pm me what I did wrong so I can try to fix it in the future)


Other piece of advice to boyfriends: Join forums where you girlfriend goes to hide away from the world and stalk all of her posts you weren't supposed to see. It's really fun. PS I'll get back to you on the results of this advice later.


----------



## fat hiker (Jul 22, 2013)

Be sure to take lots of an herbal 'male sexual enhancement' pill called Megaton 2080. 

Honestly, though, doesn't an herbal medicine called 'Megaton' just sound like it was created for the biggest BHMs? "Take Megaton and be a happy big guy!" I

n this case, though, it's being recalled in Canada as it actually contains an analog of Viagra, but doesn't declare that on the label ('herbal' indeed!) and the undeclared medicine may cause side-effects for those taking other drugs.


----------



## Esther (Jul 22, 2013)

Leave many gifts on her porch such as dead mice, decapitated birds, and chewed-up moths. This pleases human women.


----------



## djudex (Jul 22, 2013)

Poop in the sink, it goes to the same place as the toilet anyway.


----------



## tankyguy (Jul 24, 2013)

When you try to repair something, leave it plugged in. That way when it starts working you know you've fixed it.


----------



## CleverBomb (Jul 24, 2013)

BigChaz said:


> Damnit. Now I really want to freakin know


There are some things Man Was Not Meant To Know. 

Try to find them out anyway. It's not like you really NEED your sanity...


----------



## Tad (Jul 24, 2013)

That bottle of vodka--it is meant to be drunk in one night, that is why they put that much in one bottle!


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 24, 2013)

WhiteHotRazor said:


> To all the BHM's and FFA or whatever the hell you consider yourself that are looking to find love here's some bad advice for you, pick up a crippling drug addiction there's always some woman or man that will have a soft spot and take you in and no matter how much you ruin their life they will always love you.
> 
> remember, people tend to like challenges.



At first I read this as pick up a drug addict.

I was scared for a minute that you had been reading my diary....:doh:


Nah, just kidding. I just write letters to those guys in prison and everything works out just swell for me.


----------



## Amaranthine (Jul 29, 2013)

I was perusing apple fritter recipes, and lo and behold! 







She must not have had the heat on high enough. Everyone knows that extremely hot oil actually _reduces_ the likelihood of a home fire, as it pleases the Fire Gods.

Seriously though? Wat.


----------



## djudex (Jul 29, 2013)

I keep a pot of oil boiling in the kitchen at all times just for that very reason. I don't ever fry anything in it, it's just there to appease.


----------



## CleverBomb (Jul 29, 2013)

Frame your significant other for something. The conjugal-visit sex will be totally worth it!


----------



## Amaranthine (Aug 21, 2013)

When you're in a class, comment on absolutely everything. In fact, the more you talk, the greater the probability you sound clever and likeable. Especially if the class is over an hour.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 21, 2013)

Tell your new boss about all the shit you don't know how to do....


----------



## ODFFA (Oct 15, 2013)

Always intersect a really important, poignant conversation by talking about.......the weather! For the most suave effect, interrupt in mid sentence and start with "By the way..." You will sound not only impressively empathetic, but ragingly intelligent.


----------



## Fuzzy (Oct 18, 2013)

Multi-task in the bathroom every morning.. make toast, blow your hair dry, and have a nice relaxing bath.. All at the same time!


----------



## SprocketRocket (Oct 18, 2013)

Worst advice I can think of would be.. Go off your meds, you can do it better than they can. I speak from experience that this is bad advice..


----------



## ODFFA (Mar 13, 2014)

When seeing a friend/family member who's just come from an appointment with their therapist, it is customary to ask very specific, penetrating questions about the session.

Neglecting to do this will be taken as rudeness and disinterest.


----------



## AuntHen (Mar 13, 2014)

Always tell every person that *thinks *they can sing, that they are amazing at it. The world needs more joy in the form of song and who are you to crush their dreams!


----------



## ODFFA (Aug 26, 2014)

By all means, if you want to get someone to do something for you right away, patronise the hell out of them. It's incredibly motivating.


----------



## biglynch (Aug 26, 2014)

ODFFA said:


> By all means, if you want to get someone to do something for you right away, patronise the heck out of them. It's incredibly motivational.



Also if they sudgest anything cut them of mid sentence so they know that you're idea must inevitably be better.


----------



## WhiteHotRazor (Aug 26, 2014)

Do heroin, all that stuff you hear about crippling addiction and ruined lives is just media spin.


----------



## biglynch (Aug 26, 2014)

If heroin is from the Latin between protection. Heros = protect and intra = between. How could it be bad. Crystal meth is also great for a youthfull complexion.

I convinced a coworker that the first of these was totally true. 

I'm a good boss.


----------



## Dr. Feelgood (Aug 26, 2014)

Go ahead and major in modern Azerbaijani literature. Borrow whatever money you need. You're bound to get a good job as soon as you graduate, since businesses want to hire people who follow their dreams.


----------



## Amaranthine (Aug 26, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Go ahead and major in modern Azerbaijani literature. Borrow whatever money you need. You're bound to get a good job as soon as you graduate, since businesses want to hire people who follow their dreams.



Honestly...if your dream is Azerbaijani literature (and you actually found a viable program for it (which would surely entail learning Azerbaijani,)) I say go for it. 

Too weird to live, too rare to die.


----------



## biglynch (Aug 27, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Go ahead and major in modern Azerbaijani literature. Borrow whatever money you need. You're bound to get a good job as soon as you graduate, since businesses want to hire people who follow their dreams.





Amaranthine said:


> Honestly...if your dream is Azerbaijani literature (and you actually found a viable program for it (which would surely entail learning Azerbaijani,)) I say go for it.
> 
> Too weird to live, too rare to die.



Yeah, got to agree with Amaranthine, Azerbaijan is firstly oil rich as fuck and very desperate to be recognized on the world stage as the next big boom country. It sees itself very much as the next Dubai, and as such are pilling money into luxury employment. I work in casino surveillance and a Turkish speaking chum of mine was looking at jobs there. Words money to burn comes to mind. As for the history, it dripping in Turkish and Greek heritage, so its literature will be pretty extensive. Everything points to it being a good move if that's your bag.


----------



## LeoGibson (Aug 27, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Go ahead and major in modern Azerbaijani literature. Borrow whatever money you need. You're bound to get a good job as soon as you graduate, since businesses want to hire people who follow their dreams.





Amaranthine said:


> Honestly...if your dream is Azerbaijani literature (and you actually found a viable program for it (which would surely entail learning Azerbaijani,)) I say go for it.
> 
> Too weird to live, too rare to die.





biglynch said:


> Yeah, got to agree with Amaranthine, Azerbaijan is firstly oil rich as fuck and very desperate to be recognized on the world stage as the next big boom country. It sees itself very much as the next Dubai, and as such are pilling money into luxury employment. I work in casino surveillance and a Turkish speaking chum of mine was looking at jobs there. Words money to burn comes to mind. As for the history, it dripping in Turkish and Greek heritage, so its literature will be pretty extensive. Everything points to it being a good move if that's your bag.



Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. 

Because sunshine, it is awesome to follow your muse and go 200k in debt before you make dollar one in a career field that will surely net you that sweet part time gig at Starbucks. 

While we're at it. If traffic is heavy, no need to stay in one lane on your crotch rocket. Go on and switch lanes often at a high rate of speed. Pull right in front of 18 wheelers too. We can stop on a dime, hey 18 wheels means 18 brakes right? Oh, and helmets are for pussies.


----------



## Saoirse (Aug 27, 2014)

LeoGibson said:


> While we're at it. If traffic is heavy, no need to stay in one lane on your crotch rocket. Go on and switch lanes often at a high rate of speed. Pull right in front of 18 wheelers too. We can stop on a dime, hey 18 wheels means 18 brakes right? Oh, and helmets are for pussies.



Ugh. I hate irresponsible bikers. SO. MUCH. I see it all the time. Passing dangerously, weaving in traffic, pulling stupid stunts.



I have yet to talk about this here, but I recently witnessed a fatal motorcycle accident. He was passing his gf who was driving a jeep and was being silly riding along beside her. He looked at the road again just as it was curving slightly and he slammed into a road sign. I didnt see the impact, as there was a truck in front of me, but I saw him begin to pass and then he vanished. The next time I saw him was seconds later, crumpled body on the ground, blood pouring from his mouth and his gf screaming over his lifeless body.I did whatever I could to help while we waited for EMS, but there was nothing really to be done. He had a pulse, but he wasnt breathing. I saw the paramedics doing CPR on him as they loaded him up and drove to the hospital. I stuck around to talk to the cops and then I drove home, crying uncontrollably. 

I found out the next day that was he 24 and they had recently become engaged. I already knew his full name because she was screaming it over and over and over. Ill never forget his name. Or his beautiful blue eyes, cause they were open wide, but there was nothing behind them.

He was passing in a no-passing zone, goofing off and not paying attention. I know they had also just come from a bar, but I dont know if he was over the legal limit. Now I drive pass by his death site every day, to and from work.


----------



## Tad (Aug 27, 2014)

Wow, what a terrible thing to be witness to. :-(


----------



## Surlysomething (Aug 27, 2014)

How awful. It's good to talk about it though and get some grief out. Even if you don't know the people. it's still overwhelming and emotional.





Saoirse said:


> I found out the next day that was he 24 and they had recently become engaged. I already knew his full name because she was screaming it over and over and over. Ill never forget his name. Or his beautiful blue eyes, cause they were open wide, but there was nothing behind them.
> 
> He was passing in a no-passing zone, goofing off and not paying attention. I know they had also just come from a bar, but I dont know if he was over the legal limit. Now I drive pass by his death site every day, to and from work.


----------



## fat hiker (Aug 27, 2014)

Saoirse said:


> Ugh. I hate irresponsible bikers. SO. MUCH. I see it all the time. Passing dangerously, weaving in traffic, pulling stupid stunts.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I am so glad that you feel enough 'at home' here to help us share your burden - that was a terrible thing to witness.


----------



## fat hiker (Aug 27, 2014)

LeoGibson said:


> While we're at it. If traffic is heavy, no need to stay in one lane on your crotch rocket. Go on and switch lanes often at a high rate of speed. Pull right in front of 18 wheelers too. We can stop on a dime, hey 18 wheels means 18 brakes right? Oh, and helmets are for pussies.



I don't see so many motorcyclists driving that way here, so I'll paraphrase this for the drivers I do see:

While we're at it. If traffic is heavy, no need to stay in one lane in your Acura. Go on and switch lanes frequently and often at a high rate of speed. Pull right in front of other cars and city buses too - they can stop on a dime, right? Who cares about the 14 standing passengers who were thrown to the floor during the panic stop - caring about others is for pussies...


----------



## Saisha (Aug 27, 2014)

Saoirse said:


> Your post....



I am deeply sorry you had to see this but please try to take a bit of comfort in the knowledge that not only did you stop and did your best to help but in sharing this with others, it may help someone else from making a similar mistake while driving. My thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone....


----------



## Saoirse (Aug 28, 2014)

Tad said:


> Wow, what a terrible thing to be witness to. :-(





Surlysomething said:


> How awful. It's good to talk about it though and get some grief out. Even if you don't know the people. it's still overwhelming and emotional.





fat hiker said:


> I am so glad that you feel enough 'at home' here to help us share your burden - that was a terrible thing to witness.






Saisha said:


> I am deeply sorry you had to see this but please try to take a bit of comfort in the knowledge that not only did you stop and did your best to help but in sharing this with others, it may help someone else from making a similar mistake while driving. My thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone....



Thanks guys. It was pretty traumatic for me- first time ever seeing something like that, and certainly my first time watching someone die.  (hopefully the last!)

The cops made me turn around, so I ended up going to a friend's house before I went home. He and another friend were there and as soon as they saw me, they knew I was shaken up about something. I washed up in the bathroom (I didnt see any blood on me, but I felt "unclean") and they calmed me down somewhat. Then I went home and cried to my Pa for an hour. He was a volunteer fireman for many years in our town and has seen some messed up accidents. We cried a little and smoked some weed. 

I still get all teary-eyed when I pass by the site. Theres flowers and balloons and someone made a beautiful wooden memorial with his name. I didnt even know the guy, but seeing it all messed me up. And then at work, the next day there was an incident that had us calling an ambulance for someone and I was the one who stayed with that person until EMS showed up. Luckily it was not as serious and that person is fine now. But it certainly shook me up more! And then later that afternoon, I had to go talk to the police about the accident. It was a rough week.

Luckily, Im feeling better! :bow:


----------



## Amaranthine (Sep 15, 2014)

If you're trying to get to sleep early for your flight at 6am, you should absolutely mix Xanax, alcohol, and marijuana. And then not be able to sleep. And then figure out some way to prolong your marathon of self-destruction while waiting for your rebooked transfer. And then maybe, out of boredom, recommend this strategy to whatever forum you might post on  

I can't say for sure, but I think it guarantees that you'll be feeling your best upon arrival at your destination.


----------



## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 15, 2014)

Masturbate with icy hot.


----------



## Lil BigginZ (Sep 15, 2014)

WhiteHotRazor said:


> Masturbate with icy hot.



Icy hot? That's weak, you need to step your game up and use Frank's Redhot hot buffalo sauce.


----------



## Amaranthine (Sep 15, 2014)

WhiteHotRazor said:


> Masturbate with icy hot.



Alternatively.



Lil BigginZ said:


> Icy hot? That's weak, you need to step your game up and use Frank's Redhot hot buffalo sauce.



Pfffft.


----------



## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 15, 2014)

Fuck it,just go for cobra venom.


----------



## spookytwigg (Sep 16, 2014)

If you have a soar throat, chop a finger off to distract you from it.


----------



## ElectricLarryland (Sep 16, 2014)

If your bagel gets stuck in the toaster use a fork to get it out.


----------



## bayone (Sep 17, 2014)

Amaranthine said:


> If you're trying to get to sleep early for your flight at 6am, you should absolutely mix Xanax, alcohol, and marijuana. And then not be able to sleep. And then figure out some way to prolong your marathon of self-destruction while waiting for your rebooked transfer.



Also, as two ladies demonstrated a couple of weeks ago, if (due to a regimen similar to the above) you get into a screaming, hair-pulling fight with your friend on the plane and are confronted by the attendants, you absolutely should tell them you're going to blow up the plane. This will get you out of any sticky situation.


----------



## ODFFA (Sep 18, 2014)

When helping your estate-valuer-dad prep his paperwork, entertain yourself by leaving little gems in his reports for him to smile at, praying that he _will_ eventually edit it out and send the proper un-gemmed versions to his client.

View attachment 2014-09-18_1220.png


----------



## biglynch (Sep 22, 2014)

ODFFA said:


> When helping your estate-valuer-dad prep his paperwork, entertain yourself by leaving little gems in his reports for him to smile at, praying that he _will_ eventually edit it out and send the proper un-gemmed versions to his client.
> 
> View attachment 116481



I really hope this is bad advice from a tried and tested approach.


----------



## ODFFA (Sep 24, 2014)

biglynch said:


> I really hope this is bad advice from a tried and tested approach.



Well, ok, my research has not yet been very extensive. But I plan on continuing experimentation until something appropriately embarrassing happens :batting:


----------



## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 24, 2014)

Fall in love with someone from a different country. It's easier than dating local.


----------



## djudex (Sep 24, 2014)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> Fall in love with someone from a different country. It's easier than dating local.



So true, nothing like long distances and vast swaths of time apart to bring people closer together!


----------



## ODFFA (Sep 24, 2014)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> Fall in love with someone from a different country. It's easier than dating local.





djudex said:


> So true, nothing like long distances and vast swaths of time apart to bring people closer together!



What is this, Nobody on Dims Fall in Love with Odette Day? -_- Gawd.


----------



## Tad (Sep 24, 2014)

ODFFA said:


> What is this, Nobody on Dims Fall in Love with Odette Day? -_- Gawd.



We do like to set aside one day a year for that. The other 364, however..... :wubu:


----------



## Dr. Feelgood (Sep 24, 2014)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> Fall in love with someone from a different country. It's easier than dating local.



It's even better if the two of you speak entirely different languages. Love will insure that you understand each other.


----------



## Tad (Sep 24, 2014)

Always buy a car that is the first year of a model. If you can, also make sure that it just started production at a new location, and if you lucky enough, jump on the chance to get one of the first ones to roll out from a brand new factory where they've trained all the staff from scratch--their pride in their new jobs will easily overcome their inexperience!


----------



## djudex (Sep 24, 2014)

ODFFA said:


> What is this, Nobody on Dims Fall in Love with Odette Day? -_- Gawd.



Sweetheart you're adorable enough that if I let myself I'm sure I'd fall head over heels for you. Hozay is likely to have done so already. :batting:

At least try to work with us and move up to the same hemisphere for Valhalla's sake!


----------



## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 24, 2014)

djudex said:


> Sweetheart you're adorable enough that if I let myself I'm sure I'd fall head over heels for you. Hozay is likely to have done so already. :batting:
> 
> At least try to work with us and move up to the same hemisphere for Valhalla's sake!



This is true, I have. 

I've been trying to convince her Seattle and Canada are both great choices


----------



## Deacone (Sep 25, 2014)

How to get rich: 

1.Steal a baby and return it to the police station for the reward. 
2. Repeat 3-4 times a day


----------



## MsBrightside (Sep 25, 2014)

Always feed stray cats when they come 'round your home. If one of them happens to be pregnant, you may be blessed with kittens!


----------



## LeoGibson (Sep 25, 2014)

MsBrightside said:


> Always feed stray cats when they come 'round your home. If one of them happens to be pregnant, you may be blessed with kittens!



Actually, in the part if the world we live in, if you live out in the country and not in town, that's very good advice. Let the strays hang around your property, it will keep rats and mice and more importantly snakes from your house. Stray cats hanging around are great for that.


----------



## MsBrightside (Sep 25, 2014)

LeoGibson said:


> Actually, in the part if the world we live in, if you live out in the country and not in town, that's very good advice. Let the strays hang around your property, it will keep rats and mice and more importantly snakes from your house. Stray cats hanging around are great for that.



You're probably right, if they could stay Outside. However, if someone in the household falls in love with said exposed and defenseless kittens, then you might suddenly have 5 cats on your hands, need to find homes for 3, and pay for spaying the 2 remaining females. Not that this has necessarily happened to me.


----------



## dwesterny (Nov 7, 2015)

With the proper motivation and perspective any pizza can be a personal pizza.

If you need some quick cash try selling a kidney on the black market. It doesn't necessarily even have to be your own.

That lump is probably nothing, I wouldn't worry about it.

As long as the woman is on top (cowgirl) she won't get pregnant, because of gravity.

If you ever get pulled over by the police inform them that your taxes pay their salary. This will remind them they owe you and they will show gratitude.

Chicken and pork are best served very rare to prevent them from getting dried out and tough.


----------



## ODFFA (Dec 18, 2015)

My sarcastic counsel comes to you in poetic form today....

Why not try just one more time
to cast your pearls before the swine?
Perhaps now, giving pause enough,
their eyes will lift from scrumptious trough
to regard the import you have sown
and lament the deference never shown.
It will surely not be as before.
Youll not be made to feel a boar.


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## dwesterny (Dec 18, 2015)

ODFFA said:


> My sarcastic counsel comes to you in poetic form today....
> 
> Why not try just one more time
> to cast your pearls before the swine?
> ...



Hehe I have no pearls to cast.
Gave some away, I lost the last.
Perhaps more oysters I could shuck
but then again who gives a fuck?
It occurs to me that trough looks fine.
Forget the pearls, join the swine.

Bad advice- Set your expectations high, people will surely meet them.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Dec 18, 2015)

dwesterny said:


> Bad advice- Set your expectations high, people will surely meet them.



Corollary: People will always come through for you if you give them just one more chance.


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