# I'm not even sure where to begin...



## Weeze (May 1, 2009)

Ok, So, first let me say that i am SO happy I went to the NJ bash this saturday! Meeting everyone was just mind-blowing 

Now, onto what's bothering me. 

If you were at the bash, you probably met my Friend, Jan. Now, here's my issue. Ever since I brought her (there's no way my car would have made the trip) she has been bashing EVERYTHING to me. She really just doesn't get it at all. She tells me that this group of people are just lying to themselves, these people are actually unhappy, oh, she just has to be that nice because she's fat. She wouldn't give that guy the time of day if she wasn't so big. I don't understand how that girl gets any... and on, and on and on.

Now.
Why the HELL would you say that to the person who took you to that? Really? I was like, "you realize you're talking about me too, right?" and she just scoffed and kept going and told me that I need to stop lying to myself and lose weight and such. Then it was just over and we went on talking about other things and I half-forgot about it.

Now, tonight we went for a drive together to get food and she brought up how many americans are obese and I was responded with "well, i mean, look at stats. if you're a woman there's a good chance you're going to battle an eating disorder at lease somewhat at some point." and she said to me "You have a fuckin eating disorder" and I, obviously, do not, and I told her this and AGAIN she told me that i'm lying to myself about "the fat thing" and that I just need to get over it and find "normal guys"..... What? 
So, I've said to her MULTIPLE times "I don't understand what's wrong with liking what you like" (you'd think after having experimented with women, she'd be open to that) but she retorts with "Yeah, but it's not normal or healthy to be THAT big, or to want someone ELSE to be that big" 

I just don't get it. You're telling me you're my friend and that you're going to accept me for who I am, WHERE IN HELL do you get off being so offensive? I don't even know what to do, you guys. It would be a lot easier if i had a lot of friends in real life, but the problem is that I just don't. It might sound pathetic, but if I ditch this girl I am ALONE from now on. Do I really want to do that? Is it worth it, or should I just go on attempting to avoid the topic and coming home upset every time I can't...


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## elle camino (May 1, 2009)

edit: blahblah

honestly if it's really the case (which i doubt - you seem perfectly fun and smart), being alone sounds better than being around this girl. 


also: i'm pissed SHE got to go to the bash and i didn't. grr.


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## AC4400CW (May 1, 2009)

Going strictly by what you wrote, this person does not sound like a true friend. She apparently doesn't "get" who you are or what your philosophy of life is. How would she react if you described her experimenting with women using the same intolerance she displays for fat people? She sounds like someone who is not especially happy herself - running down your preferences while remaining unsure of what she is actually into herself wouldn't seem to be a happy person's doing. There might be a bit of projection going on here.

My sister has had a couple "friends" that fit this pattern too, and didn't want to ditch them for fear of being alone. She eventually realized that keeping her own company was preferable to being around malignant personalities, and that finding actual friends is easier once such losers are gone. Being alone isn't the same as being lonely after all, and it sounds to me like you're feeling somewhat alone already since this person is marginalizing you.

Someone who treats you as she does may be a source of company, but not a friend. I can't recall if I've responded to one of your posts before, but I've seen quite a few. Seems to me like you have a lot going for you and deserve much better. Good luck.


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## Paquito (May 1, 2009)

Your "friend" sounds like a complete tool, and the sooner you kick her ass to the curb, the better.

I know it sucks to be lonely and sometimes you just want to cling to whoever you have, but in the long run, it would be more damaging for your well-being to stay around that negative energy than to be alone for a little while.

People like that are cancerous and it's best to avoid them as much as possible.


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## Preston (May 1, 2009)

She's not the complete tool that the Dims Regulars are painting her as, but she does have to come to terms with your feelings.


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## collared Princess (May 1, 2009)

Krissmiss I just wonder how much all of this is jealousy..it sounds like she is wrestling with herself trying to convince herself out of what she saw.She saw a group of fat people happy,dancing,eating drinking and being marry..chances are she doesn't belong to a group that has a common thread..Im sure it bothered her to see people so happy with their selves loving who they are..society doesn't love who they are even at a size 2..they all want to change something about their selves..this is a tough one.Id weight(lol) what kind of friend has she been and has she been there for you..maybe some how you can teach her to be more accepting ..when people are happy on the inside they tend to be happy with the world...


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## KHayes666 (May 1, 2009)

who was Jan again?


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## Weeze (May 1, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> who was Jan again?



The skinny red head that was with me?


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## Fascinita (May 1, 2009)

Let her know that you wish she'd see your side of it. If she can't/won't see your side, tell her this is not an issue you're willing to discuss with her until she's willing to be more reasonable. She doesn't get the last word on what should or does make you (or fat people in general) happy. Let her know you value her friendship, but that she'll have to respect your feelings. Let her know that if she can't stop belittling you and your fat friends, it may damage your friendship and you may have to stop seeing her.

It's worth giving a friend a chance to do the right thing. This may be a test of your friendship and you don't have to have a knee-jerk reaction. Just be firm and clear on what you need from her and give her a chance to rise up to the occasion. If she disregards your feelings, then dump her.


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## Eynimeb (May 1, 2009)

The problem as I see it is that she's unwilling or unable to accept new views. She is stuck with her predetermined notions about how people feel about being fat, about people being shallow, assholes, etcetera. The only thing you really *can* do is make it clear to her that she has a great big block on any new input, and that until she opens up to new ideas, she's not going to grow as a person.

My experience is that people like this usually don't change. There is no real way to communicate with them; they are what I like to call island-people. Completely isolated from new ideas and other people's opinions. (They really are some of the most annoying people to have to deal with. Usually I just don't bother.) Still, your friend might open up. After all, who am I to make a judgement from the other side of the world.


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## gangstadawg (May 1, 2009)

i got "fucked up in the head friends" too. my friend juan talks shit about my "now" ex-girlfriend that i had to let go of last week because she has some very bad insecurity issues she needs to deal with and as far as im concerned a lil nuts. he make statments like "you should have gotten with a skinny girl because skinny women are not crazy" i replied with i guess you have never heard of Lorena Bobbitt and lisa "left eye" (she is from the group called TLC)


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## Tooz (May 1, 2009)

Oh MAN. That is really...awful of her. I don't even know what to tell you to do, honestly-- if she's a close friend that you value, I'd give my best stab at trying to work it out, but if she really feels like this to the core, what can you do? In my opinion, her views are the MOST volatile. Your friend or not, had I known she felt that way, I'd have decked her.

Seriously, though, you bring up a good point in that she is hurting you and including you in her hateful sentiment. I don't know what to do. I know what _I_ would do, but sometimes I really refuse to put up with bullshit.


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## LillyBBBW (May 1, 2009)

collared Princess said:


> Krissmiss I just wonder how much all of this is jealousy..it sounds like she is wrestling with herself trying to convince herself out of what she saw.She saw a group of fat people happy,dancing,eating drinking and being marry..chances are she doesn't belong to a group that has a common thread..Im sure it bothered her to see people so happy with their selves loving who they are..society doesn't love who they are even at a size 2..they all want to change something about their selves..this is a tough one.Id weight(lol) what kind of friend has she been and has she been there for you..maybe some how you can teach her to be more accepting ..when people are happy on the inside they tend to be happy with the world...



Or worse yet, the fear of losing you to these people. Excuse me for using your own derogatory language krissmiss but her life and friend situation is probably as 'pathetic' as yours. If it is, seeing that you have a pipeline to this wonderland of validating opportunity might be bugging the hell out of her. If her social life isn't a similar barren wasteland then why hasn't she tried to reach out to you and bring you with her and her friends like you did for her ungrateful self? I think if this weekend can teach you anything is that this sea is full of bigger fish than her, the pun is deliberate. Maybe you shouldn't dump your friend but I feel you have much more weilding power in this situation than you think. Tell her to get over it or get lost. You won't put up with any more insults and let her know you're taking it personally. If she doesn't like how you roll she better speak up now because you didn't know she thought of you that way. It's okay to be friends and all that jazz but it's also ok to put your foot down about some things and this may be the time. I think you'll come out on top here. If not, my bag.  But serious though, you CAN leave the house and find better friends. At least on some levels you know this now after this past weekend. And she does too.


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## TraciJo67 (May 1, 2009)

I have family members like this. Problem is, I can't dump my ignorant 83-year-old grandmother, and she's not about to change, so I've found ways to strike a "happy" medium -- I let her get her little digs in; they serve as a pressure valve -- and I redirect (i.e. quickly change the subject or just tell her that we won't be discussing that particular issue) when she starts a hateful tangent.

A friend, though? No effing way. I'm not obligated to try to understand or tolerate that mindset. If she were my friend, I'd lose weight immediately -- her dead weight  I'm not suggesting that you do this. You have to decide what you can & cannot live with, where you draw lines, what you're willing to sacrifice or compromise for the sake of companionship. But clearly, you do need to lay it on the line for her, and let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not discuss your weight, your lifestyle, and your other friends with her ... and that if she continues to do so, you won't be around to hear it. You aren't her personal dumping ground. You deserve far better.




krismiss said:


> Ok, So, first let me say that i am SO happy I went to the NJ bash this saturday! Meeting everyone was just mind-blowing
> 
> Now, onto what's bothering me.
> 
> ...


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## Tad (May 1, 2009)

I'd chalk this up in the "bad" column, probably bolded and underlined. But I don't know what else is in the bad column, and how much is in the good column, and how they balance out.

I would say: let her know clearly that you don't want to talk about it. You'll still know she's thinking it sometimes, which will be annoying, but hopefully not as annoying.

Also, sounds like it might be a good time to get brave and make efforts to make new friends. I mostly suck at that, so no good advice there, but college is a good time for that....


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## elle camino (May 1, 2009)

Preston said:


> She's not the complete tool that the Dims Regulars are painting her as


unless you're talking about some other discussion, i think we were just responding (pretty appropriately) to what was posted.


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## Weeze (May 1, 2009)

Thanks guys.
Yeah, this has been... a pretty common problem with her. She found Dims on my internet history loooong before the bash, and well, I had some 'splainin to do. She seemed so open, and I really don't know what happened. I'm not sure where the lines got blurred and she closed up. 

As far as making new friends, Yeah, that's gonna be happening soon. lol. Or, hopefully it will. I'm transferring colleges in the fall (another move she criticizes) so i'm hoping to meet a lot more... accepting.. individuals.


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## Carrie (May 1, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Thanks guys.
> Yeah, this has been... a pretty common problem with her. She found Dims on my internet history loooong before the bash, and well, I had some 'splainin to do. She seemed so open, and I really don't know what happened. I'm not sure where the lines got blurred and she closed up.
> 
> As far as making new friends, Yeah, that's gonna be happening soon. lol. Or, hopefully it will. I'm transferring colleges in the fall (another move she criticizes) so i'm hoping to meet a lot more... accepting.. individuals.


Hearing this added info about her criticizing you for transferring college makes me wonder if her behavior is a result of her feeling threatened by you making new friends and moving on with your life, Kris. Maybe she fears she's going to lose you, particularly if you are her only local friend, too, and that fear is manifesting itself as criticism and deprecating comments about your choices. That certainly doesn't make it okay for her to behave as she is, but it just makes me wonder if she's really drunk too much of the "fat is evil" Kool-Aid, or if something deeper and more personal is at work here. Either way, I'm really sorry this happened; I know it can't be fun, and I agree that a heart to heart is needed, with some lines being drawn and potential consequences made clear.


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## mszwebs (May 1, 2009)

Preston said:


> She's not the complete tool that the Dims Regulars are painting her as, but she does have to come to terms with your feelings.



Pressie, have you met Janet?


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## SamanthaNY (May 1, 2009)

krismiss said:


> I was like, ...and she just scoffed and kept going
> 
> and I told her this and AGAIN she told me...
> 
> ...





krismiss said:


> She found Dims on my internet history loooong before the bash, and well, I had some 'splainin to do.


This is all so sad.

Your "friend" (as if!) has all the power and control... with no real consequences for her outrageous behavior. It won't change unless and until you find this absolutely unacceptable, and enforce that new position resolutely.


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## Preston (May 1, 2009)

mszwebs said:


> Pressie, have you met Janet?



I've talked to her.


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## Mathias (May 1, 2009)

It sounds to me that you've been very patient trying to explain your lifestyle to your friend. Why do you feel like you have to explain anything to her? Especially since she's been noting but disrespectful to something that you care about? It's not her right to go through your personal computer OR criticize going to another college. I think it's time you laid down the law and told your friend that her behavior is unacceptable she's being an unmitigated jerk.


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## Sandie S-R (May 1, 2009)

"With friends like that, who needs enemies?"

I don't mean to be be harsh - really. But it's your choice to take that kind of abuse. And you have to ask yourself if you really deserve to be treated like that? I would never consider someone that treated me that abusively a "friend". My definition of friendship, is someone who accepts and cares for you unconditionally. 

So, maybe you really need to look at your definition of friendship. 

And if this were my only option for a "friend", I would rather be alone. 

If you stand up for yourself, and demand better treatment from those in your life, one of 2 things will happen. 

Either your friend will start treating you better, or she will be gone and you'll have other friends around that will treat you with respect. 

And isn't that the way it should be? 

Start by respecting yourself, then those around you will follow suit.


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## JMNYC (May 1, 2009)

This may sound simplistic, but I have an EJECT button in my life for people who say that kind of stuff.

My older brother is a doctor of physiology specializing in diabetes and obesity, and even he knows better.

Who knows what true or isn't true, what's benefit and harm, what's right and wrong? 

Who cares who is fat and who is thin?

A person with a teeny-weeny little mind.

Got no time for that...

We have less time than we think---all of us! Anyone notice? 

As a pal said, "No one is asking the fat-bashers to have sex with the fatties." Live and let live, or get lost.

And add the statement, "If you ever bring that up again, we're through."


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## KHayes666 (May 1, 2009)

krismiss said:


> The skinny red head that was with me?



Doesn't ring a bell, what was her costume at the dance?


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## disconnectedsmile (May 1, 2009)

@krismiss:
your friend's behavior is very toxic, and i can understand why and i am sorry that it is so hurtful to you.
i don't wanna tell you what to do, but if i was in your position, i would tell her to either _knock that shit off or piss off forever_.
you're a smart, lovely, and witty person, so it's hard to believe that you'll be friendless. ...you just need to answer your text messages more often


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## LillyBBBW (May 1, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> Doesn't ring a bell, what was her costume at the dance?



Who cares? The girl thinks we're all freaks.  I don't think they stayed for the dance, they were only there duing the day. Sorry I missed them, I was at Ikea I think.


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## wrestlingguy (May 1, 2009)

For the uninitiated, we look like a freak show, we defy the odds. All fat people must be miserable, right? No one can be happy looking like that, right? You can't actually LIKE this lifestyle, it's unhealthy, right?

I've had many "friends" over the years, who are long gone, and I have *FRIENDS* who didn't understand, but respected my preferences & decisions. There were also a handful that not only accepted my preference, they began to prefer it themselves. There's a moral here.

When you want & believe in something, especially if it goes against the grain, people are going to ride you for it. After all, in their minds, if what you thought was so great, why wouldn't the rest of the world feel the same way as you.

Tell Rosa Parks that. Tell Charles Darwin that. Tell Jackie Robinson & Martin Luther King that. They all stepped away from what the "normal" world believed & were called out on it. Oh, by the way, they all won.

Your friend runs with the rest of the world. Long after she's gone (and others), you will still march to your own drummer, and you will thank yourself for it.

You also came close to meeting 300+ new friends last weekend. Welcome.


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## Weeze (May 1, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> Who cares? The girl thinks we're all freaks.  I don't think they stayed for the dance, they were only there duing the day. Sorry I missed them, I was at Ikea I think.



Actually, lol, we were there for just the dance 

I don't know how I missed you!


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## mel (May 1, 2009)

3 words : dump the chump


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## mszwebs (May 2, 2009)

Preston said:


> I've talked to her.



OH. OK. I can only take from that answer a "no"...So...you don't REALLY know. Gotcha.

Having MET HER myself, and having had her basically lie to my face, while a guest in my hotel room (not to even mention the things that she has said to Krissy), doesn't exactly put her in the most non-toolish of lights, my friend.

What burns me the most though, in regard to your original post, is your attempt to use the term "Dims Regulars" as a kind of insult. Those dirty "Dims Regulars," ready to shoot before asking questions in order to defend the right to be fatties, like fatties or be a fat fatty liker and all that may or may not go with it.

Exactly what IS a "Dims Regular," Preston? You're here often enough, and are certainly in chat frequently...so think carefully before you answer.




Krissy, I don't know if I will give you good advice or bad advice, but I'm here to talk to if you need it.


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## Ash (May 2, 2009)

I think it's easy to say "just tell her to fuck off" from the outside, but I'm sure that if my only real-life friend that I could hang out with regularly was being a bitch, I'd probably have a hard time just giving up, too. 

At this point she's probably in shock and uncomfortable with the reality of all of those really fat people in the same place and having a good time. She's been conditioned to think fat is wrong and ugly just like the rest of mainstream society, so she's probably having trouble adjusting to the idea that there are people who actually accept being fat and she just can't believe that there are people who love it. If she's a true friend in all other aspects, she's probably just incredibly concerned and freaked out, and she might even be having her own identity issues over it. It's not often a thin girl goes into a bar/club type atmosphere and feels like she is unattractive or doesn't belong. It's not difficult to imagine what she's probably feeling or the giant mountains she's climbing in her head to try to wrap her mind around what she saw at the bash. 

However, that doesn't mean she'd get away with it by any means. I'd start by telling her, as honestly as I thought she could understand (leaving out overly personal or fetish stuff) how I feel about being fat and about people who like fat partners. She needs to hear the whole thing so that she can really think about how you feel. Then I'd tell her that she doesn't have to like my choices but that I am an adult, and, from this point on, this subject is completely off-limits to criticism. Tell her that if SHE wants to keep YOUR friendship, she will respect the decisions you've made and the people with whom you've chosen to socialize. She doesn't have to come along, and she doesn't have to understand it; she just has to respect it. 

If she still doesn't see your way or the criticism continues, she'll have to decide that this isn't something she can handle, and then she can decide to hang out with someone else. It sucks that it comes down to that, but it sounds necessary. You can't have toxic people like this calling themselves "friends" if this is a lifestyle you want to live.


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## Paquito (May 2, 2009)

Preston said:


> She's not the complete tool that the Dims Regulars are painting her as, but she does have to come to terms with your feelings.



I like the fact that *I* was the only person to use the word "tool," yet you've managed to turn it into a passive agressive statement about the rest of the members here.

How...mature...


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## Les Toil (May 2, 2009)

free2beme04 said:


> I like the fact that *I* was the only person to use the word "tool," yet you've managed to turn it into a passive agressive statement about the rest of the members here.
> 
> How...mature...



Mark me down as a Dim Regular that identifies Janet as a tool.


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## mergirl (May 2, 2009)

If she has any redeeming qualities and you suspect she is just behaving badly on this issue then explain to her that you are going to take a time out away from her and explain why. I had some problems a bit like this from my parents and i explained to them how i felt and didnt see them for a few months. They miss me and soon learn i only come see them if they behave. Though, if she generally is a dick then kick her to the kerb and make some better friends when you go to college. Ie. Teach her if you think it is worth it, dump her if not. The way she is just now, she is bad for you missus. Fuck that!! You are awsome and need friends that reflect that fact!


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## Smushygirl (May 2, 2009)

Krissmiss, I saw you but didn't see your friend. I think it was a wonderful thing that you came to the bash. 

I will tell you that because I came out to my first bash, I have made wonderful, lifelong friends that I love, cherish and from whom I have learned a lot.

It was gratifying to see all the young, beautiful people there as well, partying, getting to know one another. Don't let your "friend" spoil it for you.


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## bmann0413 (May 2, 2009)

Well, maybe in her head, she's talking to you like that because she's worried. But if that isn't the case, she's not a true friend for knockin ya down like that. Sorry you're going through this.


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## frankman (May 2, 2009)

bmann0413 said:


> Well, maybe in her head, she's talking to you like that because she's worried. But if that isn't the case, she's not a true friend for knockin ya down like that. Sorry you're going through this.



Exactly dude, good point. People can be really spiteful sometimes when they say stuff in "someone's best interest". I don't know the girl in question of course, so I don't know if it applies.

On the other hand, she said more than enough shit to justify selling her organs to a Mexican cartel.


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## Preston (May 2, 2009)

Christ, all I was saying is that this is one fight, about one issue. She has her own thoughts and reasons and feelings. Is she right? Fuck no. But people acting like she's some sinister force out to ruin Krissy's life are being just as close-minded as she is.

And I wasn't attacking anyone, I just think as a member of this particular community, a person is more prone to be defensive toward someone that is conflicted about our community.

Cutting every person that doesn't "get it" out of our lives is a way to isolation, not acceptance. And last time I checked we were all about FAT ACCEPTANCE through education. But of course, when someone comes in saying that the person who does not understand is uneducated, not malevolent, he's clearly attacking the community at large.

It's really easy to say "Oh what a bitch, get rid of her," from behind a computer screen, but when you're in the shoes of Krissy, someone who's known her for years and depends on her as a member of her support network, it's a whole other can of worms. I'm just saying that this is an issue between two friends that can be resolved, not an immutable character flaw as some are treating it.

And maybe I'm just too forgiving, whatever. Obviously the legions of people are in favor of kicking her to the curb, so I suppose I'm probably wrong. But in the end, if *this* is the reason that you remove a person from your life, know that it is one that could likely be resolved.


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## Paquito (May 2, 2009)

Clearly, this is not just one fight. The examples of what she said about the people at the bash and how she repeatedly tells kris that she needs to "stop the charade" and lose weight show that it is not something that is going to blow over. She seems dead set in her views about fat people, no matter how many events she goes to.

Look, I don't know this girl. She may be a great person, have great qualities, and be a very important person in kris's life. But kris asked for an opinion, and with the facts that were given, I see her friend as someone who will never change. What if she continues her tangents about how unhappy fat people must be and that our confidence is nothing but a sham? How will that affect Kris?

I'd rather see her lose a poisonous friend than get offended anymore. She's too lovely of a person to put up with that bullshit.


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## Preston (May 2, 2009)

Oh, don't get me wrong, Kris is one of the few people on this site that I consider a "true friend", and if this is something that she believes is honestly an immutable character flaw, then drastic action may need to be taken, but from where I sit, I honestly believe that Janet misguidedly has Krissy's best interest at heart and just needs to be educated.

Like I said earlier, education is the key to acceptance. Being tough and ignoring critics is important, but so much more can be accomplished by making those critics empathize with us.


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## KnottyOne (May 2, 2009)

Ok, I kinda think some of these comments are going a bit to far. Selling her organs on the Mexican Cartel, I know some bad people and I wouldn't even wish that on them. I've met this girl, and personally I like her, I think she is a nice person at heart... just... misguided. Is she wrong for what she is saying, yes. Should she accept her friend for what she is, yes. In this entire situation she is wrong. But still, you are straight up vilanizing her for a difference in opinion. Do you do this to everyone on the planet who has an issue with fat people? In regards to friends who have a big difference in life style, and have a problem with how someone lives, everyone has those. I know I have plenty of friends who are dead set against my drug use, and tell me all the time. But I know it is simply how they were raised/how they see the world. I don't hold it against them, they are my friend's I don't let a difference in opinion kill that.

(I know being fat and drug use are not even close to being similar, I'm just giving an example)


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## Preston (May 2, 2009)

Great, now I agree with Eric.


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## KnottyOne (May 2, 2009)

Preston said:


> Great, now I agree with Eric.



I know, never saw that coming, huh? haha


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## Fyreflyintheskye (May 2, 2009)

KnottyOne said:


> I know, never saw that coming, huh? haha



I'd rather be sharing a brain with Preston than a liver.


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## Preston (May 2, 2009)

Leave my alcoholism out of this!


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## BigBeautifulMe (May 2, 2009)

+"hiccup" .....


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## olwen (May 2, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Ok, So, first let me say that i am SO happy I went to the NJ bash this saturday! Meeting everyone was just mind-blowing
> 
> Now, onto what's bothering me.
> 
> ...



Haven't read all the responses yet, but I'm sure I'm probably repeating something already said.

She's toxic, and she needs a good talking to. Just lay down the law. If she's going to be friends with you she needs to respect you and your preferences. If she can't do that, no sense in staying friends with her. I'd rather be happy and alone than miserable hanging around somebody else. She must have other good qualities for you to be hanging out with her tho, so the friendship is probably worth salvaging. 

Maybe seeing so many fat people happy and having fun was kind of shocking for her, especially if she believes that all fat people are supposed to be miserable. She's swallowed so much kool-aid, she's oozing with it. Give her something else to drink. Good luck.


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## frankman (May 2, 2009)

KnottyOne said:


> Ok, I kinda think some of these comments are going a bit to far. Selling her organs on the Mexican Cartel, I know some bad people and I wouldn't even wish that on them. I've met this girl, and personally I like her, I think she is a nice person at heart... just... misguided. Is she wrong for what she is saying, yes. Should she accept her friend for what she is, yes. In this entire situation she is wrong. But still, you are straight up vilanizing her for a difference in opinion. Do you do this to everyone on the planet who has an issue with fat people? In regards to friends who have a big difference in life style, and have a problem with how someone lives, everyone has those. I know I have plenty of friends who are dead set against my drug use, and tell me all the time. But I know it is simply how they were raised/how they see the world. I don't hold it against them, they are my friend's I don't let a difference in opinion kill that.
> 
> (I know being fat and drug use are not even close to being similar, I'm just giving an example)



It was a joke.

Anyway, I'm not that bothered by people who don't like fat people. I know this is an acceptance board and all, but many people just won't. And there comes a point where a person has to make up a balance: is baleful non-acceptance something I can accept in a friendship? When is criticism going too far?

Hell, I don't know any answers to those questions, cause I don't know the people involved, but I would throw a person out of my car if they said stuff like that (park the thing first, ordr the person to get the fuck out. Throwing them out of a moving car would be excessive...)


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## intraultra (May 3, 2009)

Well this is just exactly why we need to hang out


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## Weeze (May 3, 2009)

hahah, this is true. you're like, the closest dimmer now.


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## Mystic Rain (May 3, 2009)

Preston said:


> Christ, all I was saying is that this is one fight, about one issue. She has her own thoughts and reasons and feelings. Is she right? Fuck no. But people acting like she's some sinister force out to ruin Krissy's life are being just as close-minded as she is.
> 
> And I wasn't attacking anyone, I just think as a member of this particular community, a person is more prone to be defensive toward someone that is conflicted about our community.
> 
> ...



If you view the world through rose-colored glasses, sure. However, reality is never so pretty. People can give the impression of something else for so long until little by little you begin to see their true colors. 

Friendship, or any relationship for that matter, is based on respect and acceptance for who they are, quirks and all, and krismiss' friend has a lot of learning to do. Doesn't matter what her true intentions are. She is spouting a lot of hate and poison about people she doesn't know and to the face of her own friend. Is that respect? Is that total acceptance? No. Absolutely not.

I, for one, would not stand to have that girl around me. I would much rather be alone than to listen to her drag me down and bring me to tears over and over again. How is that a friend? That is no friend at all. 

I would set her straight, lay it down in no uncertain terms. If she valued my friendship _at all_, she'd shut her mouth and not make another peep about it ever again. If she didn't, then there's the door. Don't let it hit you on the way out.


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## PunkPeach (May 3, 2009)

This may sound rude or even a bit cruel, but flip the coin on her. Point out her flaws and the flaws of thinner people around you when you are out. When you can see that she is upset by the things you are saying, sit her down and explain to her that it how it feels when she chooses to be insensitive about your weight, and others who are bigger than her ideal norm. I hope that maybe she just needs a wake up call from her own ignorance. If she continues to be so rude, alone may be better option than constantly hurt by someone who says she is a friend.


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## LillyBBBW (May 3, 2009)

Preston said:


> Christ, all I was saying is that this is one fight, about one issue. She has her own thoughts and reasons and feelings. Is she right? Fuck no. But people acting like she's some sinister force out to ruin Krissy's life are being just as close-minded as she is.
> 
> And I wasn't attacking anyone, I just think as a member of this particular community, a person is more prone to be defensive toward someone that is conflicted about our community.
> 
> ...



Preston. If someone is your friend but they consider you a pathetic low class monkey assed freak, don't you think there's a conflict of interest there? Only if you ARE a pathetic no class freak would it be understandable, not if you're not. Every time the, "But everybody hates fat people," song comes on are you going to jump up and start dancing? For goodness' sake. Quit worrying about that skinny girl's education. It's yours that's off.


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## mszwebs (May 3, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> Preston. If someone is your friend but they consider you a pathetic low class monkey assed freak, don't you think there's a conflict of interest there? Only if you ARE a pathetic no class freak would it be understandable, not if you're not. Every time the, "But everybody hates fat people," song comes on are you going to jump up and start dancing? For goodness' sake. Quit worrying about that skinny girl's education. It's yours that's off.



love, Love, LOVE, LOVE YOU!!!


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## jewels_mystery (May 3, 2009)

Your friend is an ass and you need to drop her. Friends are suppose to add to your life, not take away. There is nothing positive about her.


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## Mathias (May 3, 2009)

Preston said:


> Christ, all I was saying is that this is one fight, about one issue. She has her own thoughts and reasons and feelings. Is she right? Fuck no. But people acting like she's some sinister force out to ruin Krissy's life are being just as close-minded as she is.
> 
> And I wasn't attacking anyone, I just think as a member of this particular community, a person is more prone to be defensive toward someone that is conflicted about our community.*
> 
> ...



It doesn't lead to isolation if you manage to come into contact with people who have the same preferences or at least understand and accept it. Her friend hasn't done that.


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## Preston (May 3, 2009)

If a person means enough for you to call them a friend, you owe it to them to try. But, it's all a moot point at the moment.


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## Weeze (May 3, 2009)

Yeah. I did give it another try. I told her that I think we should just not talk about any of it anymore... and well, it ended really poorly. 

Heh, this whole situation has gone from me bitching to me realizing that... i'm pretty much alone again.

Not to sound like, ya know, debbie downer... Ugh. I have no idea what i'm going to do.


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## BigBeautifulMe (May 3, 2009)

You might be alone locally, but you're never alone, Krissy. Anytime you need company...I'm only a bus ride away. :wubu: (((((((((((((((((Krissy))))))))))))))))))))))))


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## LillyBBBW (May 3, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Yeah. I did give it another try. I told her that I think we should just not talk about any of it anymore... and well, it ended really poorly.
> 
> Heh, this whole situation has gone from me bitching to me realizing that... i'm pretty much alone again.
> 
> Not to sound like, ya know, debbie downer... Ugh. I have no idea what i'm going to do.



Kris I'm so sorry it has come to this.  The impact of this is so powerful but you are a good person, beautiful, intelligent. My hope is that your friend will grow - both of you will - and that things will get better but even if it doesn't, once this shitty time has passed you will see that the world is wide open to you. Much more so than your friend would have you believe. You're the kind of person people want to know. :kiss2:


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## intraultra (May 3, 2009)

I know we haven't really talked much, but seriously, we should hang soon. You seem infinitely cool from what I've seen, and I know how you're feeling about being alone. I'll make someone give me a ride and we'll meet up. Eat, drink, do something fun  I'm going to PM ya my contact info.


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## olwen (May 4, 2009)

Cool, Dims gals to the rescue. 

Kris, it will be tough at first, but trust me, getting rid of all that negative energy is a good thing, and you'll attract better people. I firmly believe the universe provides.


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## PunkPeach (May 9, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Yeah. I did give it another try. I told her that I think we should just not talk about any of it anymore... and well, it ended really poorly.
> 
> Heh, this whole situation has gone from me bitching to me realizing that... i'm pretty much alone again.
> 
> Not to sound like, ya know, debbie downer... Ugh. I have no idea what i'm going to do.



Well I am not sure where you are located as people from the bash came from all over but if you ever want to hang out, I always welcome having new friends.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (May 11, 2009)

This reminds me of the time my boss wanted to be my "friend", and invited me to a happy hour at a local wine bar. He proceeded to tell me how shitty my social life was, and that if I just drank (I can't drink, I have an allergy to it) I would be more socially fun, women would adore me and I'd have a decent life. So as he sits there downing two bottles of wine, I'm realizing he's calling me a total social retard.

I politely find a way to skip out, asking if he needs a cab. He refuses.

The next day, he's not at work, I get a call around 10:30AM. Have to pick him up because his Isuzu got impounded when he got arrested for a DUI, and I had to take him to get his car out of the pokey. For reasons mostly related to keeping my job intact, I didn't rub it in his face. I thought about it a couple times when I knew a simple phonecall to the police, indicating he was driving on a suspended license could save me some pain, but I was resolute.

Sometimes Fate has a way of showing you whose advice you should or should not ignore. Sounds like this is one of those times, kris.


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## Tooz (May 11, 2009)

*explode*

I will steal a jetpack from somewhere and arrive on your doorstep.


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## Goddess Patty (May 13, 2009)

Sometimes its better to alone and HAPPY than with/around someone and MISERABLE!


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## JMNYC (May 19, 2009)

Preston said:


> Christ, all I was saying is that this is one fight, about one issue. She has her own thoughts and reasons and feelings. Is she right? Fuck no. But people acting like she's some sinister force out to ruin Krissy's life are being just as close-minded as she is.
> 
> And I wasn't attacking anyone, I just think as a member of this particular community, a person is more prone to be defensive toward someone that is conflicted about our community.
> 
> ...



An alternative to "kicking to the curb" is "smaller doses."

I have a brilliant, funny, insightful gay pal who, without fail, will use vile, stereotypical, hateful and obnoxious words to describe women in his life. 

So I limit my time with him, take the good stuff and leave what I don't like. He loves to debate and fight----and I don't. I'm not gonna tell him he's a bad boy for saying c--t and worse.

And, come to think of it, the last two times I hung out with him, he didn't use any words like that at all.


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## katorade (May 19, 2009)

olwen said:


> Maybe seeing so many fat people happy and having fun was kind of shocking for her, especially if she believes that all fat people are supposed to be miserable.



This was the first thing that came to mind. Sounds like she's miserable about something in her own life and is seeking you out as a person to be the company that misery loves. Finding out that you have tons (haha!) of reasons to be happy is probably both threatening and scary to her. 

Dragging you down and pulling power plays is most likely the only way she knows how to keep you on her level, afraid that one day you'll wake up wanting to be happy and will think of her as a drag, not someone to commiserate with.


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## mediaboy (May 19, 2009)

print this thread, show it to her.


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## knottedsouls (May 19, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Ok, So, first let me say that i am SO happy I went to the NJ bash this saturday! Meeting everyone was just mind-blowing
> 
> Now, onto what's bothering me.
> 
> ...




I would be worried about what kind of issues her hatefulness and inability to understand your vantage point is going to have on you on the long term. Obviously you trusted her enough to have her come to the event with you and then she totally took something that you really enjoyed/treasured and thoroughly trashed it. There is nothing worse then sharing something, an experience/adventure/something meaningful to you, with a friend or other loved one and then having them turn around and tear it to shreds. Its like sharing a piece of your heart and watching them pick it up...look at it and then stomp the crap out of it while smiling at you..it sucks. 

She may have other qualities that help you enjoy her friendship, but in the long run ...being around her and her hatefulness will probably end up hurting you more ...becasue you are right ..the topic is not going to be able to be avoided...and she is going to continue to tear into the Bash and fat people in general...and she is probably going to continue not being supportive of you or your interests in this matter or hearing how much her words are hurting you ( I can 'hear' that reading your post and I dont know you from adam or eve  
with what you outlined that you said to her in response to her hatefulness, a person with two brain cells to rub together would understand that what they were saying was hurting you) 

It maybe better to cut this friend loose and be alone in r/t (or at minimum limit your time with her) ..and who knows..there may be another r/t friend right around the corner? 

(By the way, Im excited these bash things happen in Jersey..Im a Noob on the board but I was born and raised in South Jersey..I might actually be able to make one of these shindigs in the future and see family at the same time..bonus points , I find this an exciting prospect )


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## mithrandirjn (May 19, 2009)

katorade said:


> This was the first thing that came to mind. Sounds like she's miserable about something in her own life and is seeking you out as a person to be the company that misery loves. Finding out that you have tons (haha!) of reasons to be happy is probably both threatening and scary to her.
> 
> Dragging you down and pulling power plays is most likely the only way she knows how to keep you on her level, afraid that one day you'll wake up wanting to be happy and will think of her as a drag, not someone to commiserate with.



Yeah, I've taken this girl's reactions towards bigger people to be more a sign of ignorance and fear than actual hatred. Like it was said, she's probably been conditioned to think "being fat = being unhappy, unhealthy, and alone", not realizing that plenty of big people are completely happy in most or all aspects of their lives, just like anybody else. Her reaction comes off as amazement at getting such firsthand view of evidence to the contrary thrown in her face; she's not able to reconcile the evidence and her upbringing.

I'd pity a person more for that than anything else. I think Krissy knew best how to handle the situation, considering it was a person she knew very well. If I were in a situation like that, I'd probably take a shot at trying to educate/help my friend, but if they wouldn't accept it, it'd be tough to continue a friendship with a constant air of tenseness about that issue hanging overhead.


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## PhatChk (May 20, 2009)

I wonder how are you feeling now that some time has passed?


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## Weeze (May 20, 2009)

I've pretty much cut her out.
She texts me sometimes, and it's usually just one word answers or no response at all from me. I'm in training for a 2nd job right now, so all of that has me pretty occupied and i'm not noticing not having someone to do things with yet.. but once I go to my normal hours and everything settles down (things around the house have been a little crazy haha) 
I dunno. I've just been avoiding thinking about it. Whatever i do, i don't think anything is going to take back how she made me feel. 
I guess i'm not sure what else to say? I'll figure it out. All I know, is that I don't need that.


If anything, i'll go to Tooz's for whoopie pies.


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## Tooz (May 20, 2009)

krismiss said:


> If anything, i'll go to Tooz's for whoopie pies.



Get on 95 North. You'll get here eventually. :>


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## Blackjack (May 20, 2009)

Tooz said:


> Get on 95 North. You'll get here eventually. :>



However, since it's 95, it may take you about 6 days.


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## Tooz (May 20, 2009)

Blackjack said:


> However, since it's 95, it may take you about 6 days.



Once you get in to RI it's sweet, smooth sailing. Damned Connecticut. :>


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## Blackjack (May 20, 2009)

Tooz said:


> Once you get in to RI it's sweet, smooth sailing. Damned Connecticut. :>



I've never been on 95 _anywhere_ where it wasn't hellish. Granted, I haven't driven it in RI, but up through MA it's been a pain.


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## AC4400CW (May 21, 2009)

krismiss said:


> I've pretty much cut her out.
> ... I've just been avoiding thinking about it. Whatever i do, i don't think anything is going to take back how she made me feel.
> I guess i'm not sure what else to say? I'll figure it out. All I know, is that I don't need that.



No you don't. Being alone sucks, but being alone with your dignity beats swallowing your self-respect for the sake of companionship. I've just about been there myself, and know others who have been. The fact that you made the right decision for your own well being may not be as apparent now as it will be once time passes and you can reflect back on what has happened. I hope it all works out for you.

Oh - and God be with you if you decide to venture out on I-95.


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