# Does this make me a hypocrite?



## willowmoon (Jan 3, 2012)

I don't know if this sort of issue has been discussed on a prior thread with anyone else before or not, but I'm curious about this, because this is the body image situation I'm in. 

I've always typically been attracted to larger women (well, obviously ... otherwise I wouldn't be on this site) but I absolutely hate the fact that I myself am overweight. I'm 5'9" and now I'm just at 200 lbs. I was around 175 lbs for the past 5 years or so. But about a month ago, I weighed myself and I was up to 208 lbs and I just couldn't believe it. The first thing I thought to myself was this: "I have seriously let myself go."

It's a horrible thing to say. 

It also sounds hypocritical. 

I mean, here I am, attracted to larger-sized women, yet I absolutely hate how my own body looked. I've been working out a lot more this past month, eating & drinking healthier, and I'm starting to see some positive results. I'm certainly not where I want to be, and I know it's a lot of work, but I'm getting there. I did manage to lose 8 lbs this past month. 

I used to be in extremely good shape back in my twenties and I'd like to get at least close to that type of physique, if possible. I wasn't exactly a muscle-bound football player (far from it!) but I was definitely toned and had a low body fat percentage. 

Obviously with getting older, I've gained weight over the years which is pretty normal ... of course, I can attribute a lot of the weight gain to living in Wisconsin for twenty years, lol. And I've always carried a little extra "baggage" across the midsection in recent years ... just not to that level last month. 

So does this make me somewhat of a hypocrite? I like women who are bigger ... to me, it looks good on them ... I just don't like the look on myself. And I'm certainly not slamming the guys who are BHM's because there are plenty of ladies who certainly fancy them. Ask their admirers, they are called "handsome" for a reason! 

I don't know if any other guys out there have run into this situation but I'd be interested in reading any comments about this. Ladies, feel free to chime in as well.


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## CarlaSixx (Jan 3, 2012)

I've heard a lot of this from guys who like big women, but don't know about the "FA" culture... or at least don't seem to know of it. 

One of the guys I went out with back when I was 18 was an FA who hit the gym 6 days a week, took two showers a day, always got his manly manis, hair dyed, etc. And if he didn't look his absolute fittest and best dressed, he'd feel like he let himself go... worried the women wouldn't find him attractive anymore, but he loved the look of "care-free larger ladies" as he put it. 

I don't think there's anything really wrong with that. We all want to look our best, and I think we all know our ideal body weight deep down, which is a different number and look for everyone.

So long as it's not completely ruining your self-confidence, I don't think you should feel like a hypocrite. You're perfectly normal, in a good way


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## CastingPearls (Jan 3, 2012)

I don't know if it makes you a hypocrite, but every man I've dated or had a relationship with whether they were an FA or a Lainey-admirer, felt and expressed the same about their own size/weight, including my ex-husband so you're absolutely not alone with that.

The heaviest guy I was ever with weighed 190 I think, and although I'm an FFA so have a preference for fat guys, the reason why I was never with one was because the ones I liked weren't into fat chicks. In fact, the ones I meet now won't even give me the time of day and some are outright hostile if I express any interest in them. They all seem to like petite women.


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## Lamia (Jan 3, 2012)

I look at this way. It's sort of like finding women with huge tits hot and then waking up one day with huge tits...and thinking...do not want. (or maybe JACKPOT!) I don't think anyone would judge you for not wanting huge tits. 

Just because you don't want to be fat doesn't mean you're a hypocrite. It means what you find attractive is maybe the opposite of you.


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## Cors (Jan 3, 2012)

I am reasonably thin and active. While I maintain my weight effortlessly for now and wouldn't mind gaining a little weight, I don't know how I would actually cope with having a body considered fat by Dims standards - I don't know if I would still feel like me. 

I find bigger women incredibly beautiful, of course but the contrast between our bodies (size, shape, softness, degrees of femininity) is often what gets me going. I think preferring and enjoying contrast is also pretty common, even if it is something like masculine versus feminine, hard versus soft, hairy versus smooth.. I think we just enjoy some aspects a little more.


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## Marlayna (Jan 3, 2012)

willowmoon said:


> I don't know if this sort of issue has been discussed on a prior thread with anyone else before or not, but I'm curious about this, because this is the body image situation I'm in.
> 
> I've always typically been attracted to larger women (well, obviously ... otherwise I wouldn't be on this site) but I absolutely hate the fact that I myself am overweight. I'm 5'9" and now I'm just at 200 lbs. I was around 175 lbs for the past 5 years or so. But about a month ago, I weighed myself and I was up to 208 lbs and I just couldn't believe it. The first thing I thought to myself was this: "I have seriously let myself go."
> 
> ...


There's nothing wrong with a man that wants to stay in shape, but wants his women to be big and soft. Be happy with yourself, and your choice in a female, because it's not hypocritical at all.


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## Bananaspills (Jan 4, 2012)

I think partly it could also be that what you see when you look at other people and what you see when you look at yourself (when you already have a set mental image of what you look like /used to look like/ should look like) can be quite different... Looking at yourself can be a lot more emotive than looking at others. I don't think it makes you a hypocrite.


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## Webmaster (Jan 4, 2012)

willowmoon said:


> I don't know if any other guys out there have run into this situation but I'd be interested in reading any comments about this.



I don't think you have to feel like a hypocrite at all. Just because you are attracted to a certain body type does not mean you have to want to BE that body type yourself. 

There are some FAs who feel an overall attraction to fatness and want to be fat themselves, and I have seen some who started out skinny and then became fat. But that is by no means a moral imperative.


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## Shosh (Jan 4, 2012)

I dont think it makes you a hypocrite at all. You know what your preference is for your own body, and that is thin.

You can still be attracted to big women and want to be thin yourself.

I am a big woman, but I am only attracted to thin men. At first I thought that may be a double standard, but then I realized that is just my preference, and we all have them.


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## Cors (Jan 4, 2012)

Actively hiding your preferences while wanking to and trying to pick up fat chicks online for stealth fucks, making disparaging and hateful remarks about fat people in public and being particularly disdainful of fat _men_... Now that would make a BBW-loving thin/fit FA a hypocrite.


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## bigmac (Jan 4, 2012)

I don't think this is at all unusual. Although I've never been really thin I have managed to get almost thin several times. I've noticed several things (I'll probably be slammed for this):

1) I feel better and more masculine when I'm thinner. Fat slows you down and compromises your ability to participate in physical activities (not an issue for most ladies but guys -- even fat guys -- are expected to be able to do manly things).

2) When I approached women during a fat phase I was much more likely to get rejected or ignored. BBW events are for fat women not fat men. If your goal is to actually date a real live BBW my advice to fat guys is to hit the gym -- otherwise you'll just be the guy they cry to the next morning. 

3) FFAs are rare indeed. For every ten male FAs I'd estimate there are only one or two female FAs. Its been my experience that most BBWs are not FFAs (I know there are exceptions). Also, there are few places/event where straight fat guys can go to meet FFAs (although I hear there are such places/events for gay fat guys). Again its probably best for fat guys to hit the gym.

4) There are BBWs out there that will date fat guys but who would prefer a thin guy. When this type of BBW realizes that you're not the only FA in town its game over.

Hope I didn't come of as too bitter (I'm not really -- just towards a few select people). However, I do have rather low expectations of most folks.


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## ConnieLynn (Jan 4, 2012)

Not a hypocrite. Everyone has an ideal for their own body, and has a preference of what they like in others. The two don't have to be the same. 

I have an FA friend who works to maintain the weight at which he is comfortable. If I were to offer him a piece of cheesecake, he'd by likely to say "No thanks, it looks better on you." I don't see a conflict


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 6, 2012)

bigmac said:


> I don't think this is at all unusual.  Although I've never been really thin I have managed to get almost thin several times. I've noticed several things (I'll probably be slammed for this):
> 
> 1) I feel better and more masculine when I'm thinner. Fat slows you down and compromises your ability to participate in physical activities (not an issue for most ladies but guys -- even fat guys -- are expected to be able to do manly things).
> 
> ...



You deserve to be slammed for it.

If somebody posted on here that fat women should just hit the gym, they'd be flamed.

If somebody said anything along the lines of "men will date a fat woman but would prefer a thin one and will drop you when he realizes you're not the only one in town" they'd be flamed.

Pointing out that FA are rare would get you flamed if you did it while urging fat women to lose weight.

To say nothing of the dozens of posts you've made about how obesity is really a mystery and how it's hard, if not impossible to lose weight, this is a really horrible post.


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## imfree (Jan 6, 2012)

bigmac said:


> I don't think this is at all unusual. Although I've never been really thin I have managed to get almost thin several times. I've noticed several things (I'll probably be slammed for this):
> 
> 1) I feel better and more masculine when I'm thinner. Fat slows you down and compromises your ability to participate in physical activities (not an issue for most ladies but guys -- even fat guys -- are expected to be able to do manly things).
> 
> ...





LoveBHMS said:


> You deserve to be slammed for it.
> 
> If somebody posted on here that fat women should just hit the gym, they'd be flamed.
> 
> ...



In This Mixed Up, Jumbled Up World... Everything's OK, except for a man to be fat. That's the real hypocrisy. I've been beat-up and kicked around for so many years for not being "manly enough" that I believed it was my fault. After all, I couldn't even chase and catch a ball. I couldn't comprehend baseball and football when I was on my feet. I also be confused and disoriented when trying to give oral presentation, on my feet, in front of my class. I was a skinny kid who wished he was fat so people wouldn't expect me to have athletic ability. I developed a liking for electronics at a young age and became a repair bench tech as an adult, probably as an adaptation. One day, after I was put on oxygen, it finally occurred to me that I had probably been borderline hypoxic all my life, as my inabilities could all easily be related to low oxygen saturation. Oh yah, the world finally recognized that I was disabled in early 2005, just before I turned 50! Edgar sadly slips into his cave...


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 6, 2012)

bigmac said:


> I don't think this is at all unusual. Although I've never been really thin I have managed to get almost thin several times. I've noticed several things (I'll probably be slammed for this):
> 
> 1) I feel better and more masculine when I'm thinner. Fat slows you down and compromises your ability to participate in physical activities (not an issue for most ladies but guys -- even fat guys -- are expected to be able to do manly things).
> 
> ...



Also, if fat slows you down and compromises your ability to participate in physical activities, why exactly wouldn't that be a problem for the female half of the population? Not saying it is or isn't, just that it's mind blowingly sexist to say that women being slowed down and physically compromised isn't a problem, while it is for men.


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## Bananaspills (Jan 7, 2012)

bigmac said:


> I don't think this is at all unusual. Although I've never been really thin I have managed to get almost thin several times. I've noticed several things (I'll probably be slammed for this):
> 
> 1) I feel better and more masculine when I'm thinner. Fat slows you down and compromises your ability to participate in physical activities (not an issue for most ladies but guys -- even fat guys -- are expected to be able to do manly things).
> 
> ...



Oh I disagree with soooooo much of that! 

1) I see where you're coming from, but stereotypes are stereotypes... The flip side of the coin is that men are (in a non-feminist stereotype like the one you provided) expected to be strong and have a physically "dominant" physique. (I hope you understand what I mean by that, English is not my first language...) Women are stereotypically expected to be adorable, protected, lifted by their man over thresholds etc. So in your example, it could just as easily be argued that it's more acceptable to be a big (fat) bear of a man than a big woman in our society. Just plainly think how much more expected it is for a man to be physically bigger than his woman partner. (Not that I personally think a man HAS to be bigger than a woman, but like I said I see where you're coming from, society does have stereotypes, but I think you're describing them from the wrong angle.)

2 & 3) FAs are more rare than non FAs of either sex. I agree that FFAs are more rare than male FAs, but I think that's because (in general, in my own experience) men tend to have more "cemented" views of what they are attracted to. I've met many more women who would never describe themselves as a FFA or say they are attracted to fat men, who have had relationships with fat (and thin) men. Many more (not all) of the men I've met will say "they're not attracted to fat women" or "they're not attracted to thin women" and will be less likely to look outside of their preference. Personally, I would not describe myself as a FFA, if you sat me down and made me fill in a questionaire I'd say I'm attracted to "average" sized men, but in reality I've been attracted to men of all sizes. In all the places I've lived so far, if I look at couples out on the street (outside of FA forums like this one,) I'll see far more fat men with thinish women than the other way around.

4) This is actually the only one of your points I take offence to. There are women out there who date men, who may run into other men they find more attractive. Of any size, colour, appearance or description. Some of these women will be shallow and go "Oh, there's better squeeze out there, I'm off!" and some will be with their partner for their looks AND personality AND experiences they've had together AND and and... There's always going to be someone you find more attractive out there. I understand there is going to be a "type of BBW" who does what you describe, but the "BBW" part is incidental. There are people like that everywhere... I personally hope to avoid them.


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## bigmac (Jan 7, 2012)

LoveBHMS said:


> You deserve to be slammed for it.



Don't blame the messenger -- I'm just describing my experience.



LoveBHMS said:


> If somebody posted on here that fat women should just hit the gym, they'd be flamed.



Lets face it BBW events and bashes cater to fat women not fat men. And, furthermore, most of the BBWs at these events are not FFAs. Not saying this is the way it should be -- its just the way it is.

Fat guys are thus at a distinct disadvantage at BBW events. So if they would like to hookup in real life (i.e. not just chat with ephemeral FFAs on the web) its to their advantage to loose weight.



LoveBHMS said:


> If somebody said anything along the lines of "men will date a fat woman but would prefer a thin one and will drop you when he realizes you're not the only one in town" they'd be flamed.



Again, not saying this is right. However, I've observed this behavior over and over. Lots of BBWs grew up not knowing about the size acceptance community. Many such BBWs were happy to hangout with or date fat guys or other outcasts. When they discover the SA community they realize (if they're pretty as well as fat) that they can get a traditionally hot guy -- many jump at this opportunity.

Also, not being sexist -- I'm 100% sure guys would act the same way.



LoveBHMS said:


> Pointing out that FA are rare would get you flamed if you did it while urging fat women to lose weight.



If there were real life social outlets for straight fat guys this wouldn't be an issue. Since there aren't the world is full of fat guys trying to get down to dating weight



LoveBHMS said:


> To say nothing of the dozens of posts you've made about how obesity is really a mystery and how it's hard, if not impossible to lose weight, this is a really horrible post.



You're mixing up issues. Yes, we know little about why some people get fat while other similarly situated people stay thin. And Yes, weight loss efforts have a greater than 95% failure rate. However, it is possible to temporarily loose weight via exercise (Biggest Looser isn't fake). This is especially true for guys (more muscle mass). For guys like the OP who are not really that fat its possible to stay thin long enough to snare a mate (cynical I know but true none the less).


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## wrthird (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks to all for participating! This topic is really worth discussion!


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## lizzie_lotr (Jan 7, 2012)

Lamia said:


> I look at this way. It's sort of like finding women with huge tits hot and then waking up one day with huge tits...and thinking...do not want. (or maybe JACKPOT!) I don't think anyone would judge you for not wanting huge tits.
> 
> Just because you don't want to be fat doesn't mean you're a hypocrite. It means what you find attractive is maybe the opposite of you.



I agree!!


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## willowmoon (Jan 8, 2012)

Glad to see so many responses to this thread! I now feel comfortable accepting that what I find attractive for women when it comes to body size can differ from what I consider attractive for myself, and I'm cool with that now. Thank you everyone, it really has helped me out. And feel free to add more to this thread too, it been very insightful!


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## FatAndProud (Jan 8, 2012)

I don't mind someone who wants to stay thin. You don't have to be fat to like me. That's up to them. 

However, to think "I have let myself go" and other fat-negative self-talk....that's disturbing to me. I've found that I'm not attracted to those types of people. Especially, if they're weight obsessive toward themselves. It's almost like they're looking for their lost self-confidence in a confident fat woman, because they don't have an ounce of confidence, themselves.

Sorry, that's me being real. All that "opposites attract" nonsense aside.


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## willowmoon (Jan 8, 2012)

Well self-confidence isn't really a problem for me, aside from the problem I was running into recently of having put on more weight and it certainly wasn't muscle. Like I mentioned before I've typically been more attracted to larger-sized women, regardless if I was a skinny guy back when I weighed 125 lbs or when I was 210 lbs, 1 1/2 months ago. 

And that's why I said it sounded hypocritical for me to make the comment that I had let myself go. I can see why it would seem offensive, especially given my preferences in what I find attractive with most women.

I used to work out pretty regularly. But after three separate inguinal hernia surgeries and disc issues a few years ago, it really affected my ability to exercise especially when it came to lifting weights. I've recently turned to resistance band training mixed with a little bit of cardio and that has been helping out.

I don't plan on making myself obsessed with my body fat percentage and being overly muscle-bound but I feel I do need to get in better shape, for myself and for my kids as well. For example, this past summer I was running around on a soccer field with my sons long after the game was done. And I was getting tired, and tired in a hurry. I was trying to hide how exhausted I was, but I think they could see through me.


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 8, 2012)

bigmac said:


> Don't blame the messenger -- I'm just describing my experience.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It ticks me off to no end that you think it's ok to post this on a SA site. And as an FFA I find it somewhere between amusing and ironic that you're telling fat men the precise message that women and girls receive from the mainstream media and women's magazines, which is basically "you have to lose weight if you want to attract somebody. Just hit the gym."

Most sexually active adults of either gender are not FA, and the simple truth is men are judged more on money and accomplishments than looks. I could just as easily say "Fat women need to hit the gym if they ever want to hook up for real. Sure fat guys will hang out with you, but once they realize they can snare attractive women they'll do it. Besides, if you're not really fat you can lose weight for long enough to get a mate."


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## bigmac (Jan 8, 2012)

LoveBHMS said:


> It ticks me off to no end that you think it's ok to post this on a SA site. And as an FFA I find it somewhere between amusing and ironic that you're telling fat men the precise message that women and girls receive from the mainstream media and women's magazines, which is basically "you have to lose weight if you want to attract somebody. Just hit the gym."




You're missing my point. My point is that -- unlike fat women who have access to venues where their size is a asset not a liability -- there are no venues where straight fat men can go to socialize where their size will not be a liability.

However, you are right is a way. Fat guys really do have to deal with the mainstream since they face the same obstacles at BBW events that they face at mainstream venues. (Just look at how many BBWs on this board publicly state their preference for thin guys -- imagine how many others won't say so publicly but in practice only date thin guys.)




LoveBHMS said:


> Most sexually active adults of either gender are not FA, and the simple truth is men are judged more on money and accomplishments than looks. I could just as easily say "Fat women need to hit the gym if they ever want to hook up for real. Sure fat guys will hang out with you, but once they realize they can snare attractive women they'll do it. Besides, if you're not really fat you can lose weight for long enough to get a mate."



Again you're missing the point that fat women have options fat guys don't have. A pretty fat woman can be the _belle of the ball_ at a BBW event. Fat guys are always the underdog -- whether at a BBW event or the club down the street.

And regarding money. That's not the way of the world any longer. Women now earn the majority of college degrees, are the majority of the workforce, and in the younger half of the labor market actually make more money than their male counterparts (not to mention the fact the recession hit guys way harder than the ladies). Women, therefore, can be and are being the same shallow people men have long been (please note I'm talking generalizations hear -- there is still a large minority of nice people of both sexes).

In my experience I got a lot more play as a relatively thin construction worker (6'4" 245lbs) making 30k a year than I did a few years later as a fat lawyer (320lbs) making 80k. From a dating perspective I should have saved the 200K I wasted on law school and hired a personal trainer instead. 

Do I think that this is the way the world should be? Hell no!!! But is it the way the world actually is? Yes!!!


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