# FA Myths thread #8



## James (Jan 22, 2010)

*"The only reason people want to be thin is to attract a partner (and the corollary: once a person is dating an FA/FFA, they have no reason to worry about their weight)"

*


> *(Please read the following before posting a response)*
> 
> This is the seventh topic for discussion in relation to the FA board project "FA Myths and Misconceptions". It will be discussed for 2 weeks in this thread before being edited and ultimately posted to the FA Myths and Misconceptions sticky.
> 
> ...


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## mergirl (Jan 22, 2010)

For some maby this is the only reason. I think we underestimate the power of wanting to feel wanted. Why would this be an Fa myth? Do you mean that Fa's want to be thin to attract a partner, which may be seen as contradicting themselves somehow? If not, i think this would make an interesting discussion.


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not sure this is an FA myth at all, more of a "potential partner" myth.

People want to be thin for an infinite number of reasons ranging from health to social pressure to ease of getting around in everyday life (both physically and emotionally), and of course part of it is to attract or keep a partner. Nothing wrong with that.

As far as worrying about weight after being with an FA/FFA. If your reasons for wanting to be thin were apart from that, it won't matter. If you have a medical condition and need to maintain a low bodyweight, a partner won't change that. If you need to be thin for your job as a jockey or runway model, ditto. If you just prefer to be thin because you believe you look or feel better that way, a partner would not make a difference. 

Now if it _is_ about attracting a partner, then I think it's undeniably true that even those without FA/FFA partners may "let themselves go" a bit after finding one. "Dear Abby" is filled with letters from angry spouses who are no longer attracted to a husband or wife who looks radically different. On that same note, I've seen posts here from FAs who say they rightly or wrongly counted on marriage to bring on the weight gain they hoped for. There is also the fat woman or man who insists weight loss isn't necessary because their partner loves them just as they are.

So if you were partnered with an FA, and you didn't really care that much about being thin and there were no health or practical issues, I'd say it's not impossible that somebody would abandon weight loss efforts if they were in fact done to attract a partner. And while this is the subject of an uber contentious discussion on the Main Board, I'd say it's also possible that in part the admiration, attraction, and approval of a partner can increase self confidence or bring about Size Acceptance in a person's life. If the person you love is constantly telling you how gorgeous and sexy you are and how much they are turned on by your body, you may stop worrying about your weight, if, once again, you had no other reason to want to be thin.


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## Tad (Jan 22, 2010)

This is a myth "of FAs," not "about FAs." That is, some fair portion of FA who have not been around sites like this or interacted closely with many fatter folk will hold this myth.....and the corollary, which is probably the more dangerous part. 

We've seen this happen at Dimensions many a time, sometimes a new FA starts a thread, sometimes they respond on a new thread, but in all seriousness and naivete they say something like "Date me and you'll never need to diet" or "The good thing about dating an FA is that you could eat whatever you want, as much as you want, as often as you want" or other statement with the meaning: date someone who likes you fat and you'll never worry about being fat or have to watch your weight.

The problem is that this ignores a large number of reasons why people may worry about their weight, including: social acceptance, job discrimination, being able to do activities they enjoy, joint pain, their own preferences about how they look, and any number of health issues which can be at least in part weight related. In essence it says "None of those really matter, all that really matters is turning on your mate." That is a pretty dismissive attitude!

I know that when I was young I more or less subscribed to this myth, but I'd learned better before getting on-line. I didn't manage to offend a board full of people, but there are some things and words from back then that I wish I could take back.


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## James (Jan 22, 2010)

Just to clear up any confusion.

The FA/FFA myths project is looking at myths that are held by others about FA/FFAs.... AND...myths that FA/FFAs hold towards others. So far, we've mostly focused on myths of how we're perceived. The next few myths will be ones that relate to how we might perceive others.


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## Melian (Jan 22, 2010)

This myth is not true, for me.

I like being thin and would really prefer not to be fat for several reasons: I just like the way my body looks at this weight, I don't want to buy a new wardrobe, I'm active and don't want that activity to be compromised, AND my husband likes thin women, so I want to please him. I never decided to be thin to attract anyone.

As for the second part, any partner of mine should still have at least a small amount of concern regarding their weight. Extreme cases, such as gaining or losing hundreds of pounds, aren't exactly preferable. That being said, small/medium fluctuations don't bother me at all.


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## Gspoon (Feb 10, 2010)

The myth is most likely false.

People want to be thin for their enjoyment. Some don't want to be large because they would be rather upset with it. I suppose I like being thin, it can help me attract a partner. But I also like to be thin because of other reasons. Should I have a child sometime soon, I would like to be physically fit to play with my kid. If I all of a sudden want to become an athlete, a thin body would suit me well. And hopefully not, if the zombies rise... I need to be able to get the hell out of dodge.

People can want to be thin for many reasons, attracting a partner is probably what crosses the mind first when you think about it... why else are we thrown onto this world if not to reproduce?


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## Littleghost (Feb 11, 2010)

I think that this one, like #7 is widely up to the individual. For some, the fear of rejection by a partner might be the only thing holding them to thinness, more commonly they may be more concerned with the opinion of people overall, and still others either have a personal size preference due to how they want to look and/or health. They may even want to stay a certain size simply for reasons like fitting in certain clothes or being able to use things/go places that they wouldn't at a higher weight.

I'm even more curious if there's any relationship at all to weight gain with having an FA for a partner. It's possible that for some weight might stabilize or go down a bit if they don't feel a need to stress about it as much.


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## rollhandler (Feb 28, 2010)

Speaking only from the context of the relationship aspect.
There are many reasons for a person of either gender to want to lose weight. Some are only validated in the mind the individual. Some for reasons of health, yet others promoted by society. Most are promoted and built on half truths. The health aspect has been bastardized by the clueless labeling all people of size as unhealthy, which is a myth for another day. It is just as much a myth to promote the _only_ reason a fat person wants to lose weight as making them more attractive to potential partners as it is to state that the only reason a person desires a fat partner is to reduce competition in the dating pool. This is also a myth for another day.

When giving reasons why a person should lose weight I hear two things regularly by well meaning but clueless people. One is health, the other is to find a partner. The underlying belief is that fat is so ugly that nobody will find a fat person attractive _until_ they lose weight. Their point is marginally valid due to the amount of potential partners in a given demographic. There are fewer FAs than there are people who desire thinner partners so by contrast the likelihood of finding a partner is increased by making oneself more marketable to a larger demographic, and so a lot of people believe the fallacy, promoting the bigotry of size as a vehicle to conformity in others. A lot of fat people through the frustration in not finding suitable partners fast enough find this easy to believe over time and by the experiences of others who lost weight thereby entering the next demographic dating pool and finding partners through an increase of potential. This is nothing more than one fallacy built onto others whereby a persons weight is the reason why they fail in life. It is negative reinforcement designed to force conformity through low self esteem, with the only way to reach anything positive being to conform. Finding partners is one of the strongest drives in human nature which is why this myth is so widespread and widely promoted as a tool of conformity toward people of size.

As for the corollary, I have found that most things that speak in absolutes are typically untrue since they don't take variance of personality nor the differences of personal desire or the variety of ways and things people find attractive into account. As an example: In my world this half of the myth would be partially true. No partner of mine has ever had to worry about her weight going up, however that only takes part of my personal preference into account. There is always a valid fear of losing weight with the possibility of losing the interest of ones partner, just as with some FAs/FFAs that have a set range that they find visually attractive. Gaining or losing weight could change ones physical appearance to something outside of that range in one direction or another and cause stress or other problems in the relationship. There are as many ways to have the FA/FFA preference as there are FAs/FFAs that practice the preference. Each has a different size of partner that fits their ideal. Physical attractiveness of a partner plays into the vitality of the relationship on various levels and with degrees of importance defined and designated differently for each partner, couple, and individual person. If the partnership is one based on love then size should not be an issue however if attraction to a partner is factored in then physical appearance applies as well. To state absolutely that once dating an FA a partner does not need to worry about their weight, masses all FAs into a single group without taking individuality into account. It also assumes at the level of dating a partner that the relationship starts out on a deep emotional level and that physical appearance is less of a factor at the beginning of a couples relationship.
Rollhandler


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## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

if someone had serious trouble finding a mate and was not happy with themselves, i'd advise them to get in shape. it's one thing to be fat, be comfortable and enjoying a normal sex life as a single person. but being thin is statistically the way to more options as a single person, so it would easily be the first suggestion. if that's too much effort against that person's priorities or view of what makes them them, then unlike the harsher world i could at least suggest other things.

that said, the great problem with society regarding dating and beauty conventions isn't that fat people are less desired than thin people, it's that the people who desire them are confined to the margins and viewed as tokens, fetishists, weirdos, desperates and predators with low self-esteem. and thus, fat people are less likely to trust or even accept that attraction when an opportunity arises.

if only the majority of fat people could be aware of the options from the get-go, something our social norms and media have yet to permit, they could make romantic and health decisions with better objectivity.

but as it is, a 28-year-old woman who only just happened onto dimensions from a stray google search who suddenly puts her perpetual diet plans on hold because she's just received her first truly seductive private messages from a few FAs (or feeders), is either on her own through the usual surprise-wonder-burn-cynicism-enlightenment cycle or privy to gossip from more experienced folks here.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

^obviously that was an _extreme_ generalization/stereotype/conflation of "types" here.

the point is that there is no such thing as a prince charming but being thin raises the probability of finding one. and people should be less rude when they present that fact, nor should they browbeat everyone into reading it as the only option.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

(as for the second part of james' query i think it's pretty obvious finding a mate is no substitute for taking care of yourself)


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## exile in thighville (Mar 1, 2010)

well maybe not that obvious


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## Victim (Mar 3, 2010)

FAs can be just as inadvertently insensitive to the feelings of other FAs as they can to BBWs.

About 10 years ago I was with another non-DIMS FA and he was talking about how I was in a really good position with my wife because she was "too far gone" that even if she lost weight it wouldn't make a difference.

I wanted to punch him in the throat.

I still do, actually...

HOWEVER, this does bring up an interesting point, perhaps for another FA Myths thread. Is one reason why SSBBWs are preferred by the majority of FAs over smaller 'plump' women is that the fear they may lose their sex appeal to us once we are in a relationship much less?


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## EvilPrincess (Mar 3, 2010)

Victim said:


> FAs can be just as inadvertently insensitive to the feelings of other FAs as they can to BBWs.
> 
> About 10 years ago I was with another non-DIMS FA and he was talking about how I was in a really good position with my wife because she was "too far gone" that even if she lost weight it wouldn't make a difference.
> 
> ...


 

Intersting observation, coulld you rephrase that for me, or maybe expand on your thoughts? I can see what you are saying a couple of different ways and don't want to interpret it incorrectly.


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## musicman (Mar 4, 2010)

Victim said:


> Is one reason why SSBBWs are preferred by the majority of FAs over smaller 'plump' women is that the fear they may lose their sex appeal to us once we are in a relationship much less?



I'm not sure what you are saying here, but I disagree with the premise that the majority of FAs prefer SSBBWs. I prefer them, but I know I'm certainly NOT in the majority of FAs, either on the Internet or in Real Life. In my experience, those who prefer SSBBWs are a very small percentage of the total number of FAs.

If you're asking whether we SSBBW-lovers are more confident that our women can't or won't lose weight, I don't think that figures into the attraction at all. It's certainly a complicated attraction, but I think you're either wired to want that much flesh or you're not. What may or may not happen later doesn't figure into the attraction, IMHO.


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## chicken legs (Mar 5, 2010)

James said:


> *"The only reason people want to be thin is to attract a partner (and the corollary: once a person is dating an FA/FFA, they have no reason to worry about their weight)"
> 
> *



Being healthy for me usually results in me appearing to be thin. I am also cheap and lets face it ...clothes are cheaper when you are under the double digit range.

As my FFAness goes..I suprised a Escapist. He thought I would get off on him getting bigger and watching him eat tons of food. However, I grew up with elderly parents and learned to appreciate being healthy and mobile. Plus, I'm dam near a vegetarian so I have noooo cooking skills (I'm FA with no feeder skills..lol) Having taken after a father with heart problems, I have always avoided certain foods and try my best to stay out of hospitals and off of medications. I am also a very slow eater, so by the time I look up from my plate Escapist is done already. It really sucks because I really like to watch people eat and I usually only catch Escapist take a bite or two of whatever he is eating...plus it usually only takes him a bite or two to devour something.
Its funny, by the time I done eating my side dish, Escapist has gone through two plates of food.


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## marlowegarp (Mar 6, 2010)

I think it is the same as saying that once you're married you no longer need to care about being attractive to your spouse as you have already reeled them in. It isn't a concern if you are thoughtless. 

I definitely have feeder tendencies but if my girlfriend ate NOTHING good and never moved, I'd be concerned. Think about weight, just don't obsess over it.


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## drewedwards (Mar 15, 2010)

My older brother seems to assume that I'm attracted to every "big" girl that's out there and I keep pointing out to him that it's not how it works.


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