# Being the FFA/FA friend



## Jaycee (May 13, 2020)

What has everyone's experience being someone who is fat admirer in your friend group?

I'm now pretty open to my close friends about my type/preference of men. They have been good to tell and let me talk about it (a little) I don't blab on about it, but I do point out when I see a guy I find attractive. They definitely don't understand but theh don't give me shit for either.


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## Tempere (May 13, 2020)

My friends know I’m not checking out what they are, but are fine with my preferences as they are only into the thick/thicc, but don’t understand the appeal of a more voluptuous woman. It’s fine, they don’t bust me about it.

My wife, knowing my preferences, now understands why when she checks another female out, why I may not be paying attention to that female. She hasn’t openly though asked me about a voluptuous woman either when we are out.


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## Ffancy (May 13, 2020)

My close friends know I prefer bigger guys, and they will sometimes point out a hot fat guy with a, “Look, there’s one for you!” I don’t know if they fully understand how big I like ‘em but my last ex was ~400 pounds so they kinda know.


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## Anjula (May 14, 2020)

I remember “coming out” as an FA, God that was a fun night. I was in the “super cool group” in junior high and I was talking to the “alpha” girl one night at a party about kinks and stuff and my best friend (who knew) was really pushing me to tell her. I remember being hesitant about it and she told me “hey, it can’t be bad, I like to eat pussy, beat that” (I see what I did here, hehe) anyway I ended up telling her, she was super supportive and since I’m also bisexual we also made out heavily that night. Two birds one stone huh?

since then ( I was 15ish, but I’m European we start young lol) I was always 100% open, my friends and family knew and know about it (fam once wanted to “cure me”, unlike my friends they haven’t always been supportive)

my fat thing sometimes exceeded me lol I dated a “chubby” by popular standard, skeleton skinny by mine guy for a couple of years. I fell in love badly and hoped it will work out. Spoiler alert, it didn’t and we broke up over that, but what I wanted to say: during our relationship I had random people in high school asking how and why is he not fat since I like em big.

I don’t recall anything negative associated with being honest and open (a little to much sometimes). If anything it helped because the fatties weren’t as scared since I’m hot as fuck And pretty intimidating xD

oh! My handle on tinder used to say “I like guys with weight like IQ. The higher the better.” (Again, Europe 140iq = 140kg= 310lbs


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## Tempere (May 14, 2020)

Ffancy said:


> My close friends know I prefer bigger guys, and they will sometimes point out a hot fat guy with a, “Look, there’s one for you!” I don’t know if they fully understand how big I like ‘em but my last ex was ~400 pounds so they kinda know.



Haha this is the same for me, save it’s females


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## Jaycee (May 14, 2020)

Ffancy said:


> My close friends know I prefer bigger guys, and they will sometimes point out a hot fat guy with a, “Look, there’s one for you!” I don’t know if they fully understand how big I like ‘em but my last ex was ~400 pounds so they kinda know.




My friends don't fully understand exactly how big of guys I find attractive as I've never dated anyone bigger than 280, and my hubby is only 250. I also haven't pointed out that I find guys over 400 pounds attractive I don't know what their reaction would be.


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## Shh! Don’t tell! (May 14, 2020)

It used to be a big secret for me because my friends in high school brought feedism up as something gross to laugh at one time. I thought if I told anyone, people would think I was creepy. I’m opener about my preferences these days, although I don’t reveal the most fetishy aspects of what I like to platonic friends. Everyone is always fine with it, I’ve never got a bad reaction like the one high-school-me thought I’d get.

edit-I know this thread is about Fat Admirers and I said feedism, but that’s how I chose to ID myself because it describes my sexuality better. I know one is like, the nasty porny one and the other is the nice, more SFW one but I’d be lying if I said I was just a fat admirer and not a feeder.


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## Ffancy (May 14, 2020)

Shh! Don’t tell! said:


> It used to be a big secret for me because my friends in high school brought feedism up as something gross to laugh at one time. I thought if I told anyone, people would think I was creepy. I’m opener about my preferences these days, although I don’t reveal the most fetishy aspects of what I like to platonic friends. Everyone is always fine with it, I’ve never got a bad reaction like the one high-school-me thought I’d get.
> 
> edit-I know this thread is about Fat Admirers and I said feedism, but that’s how I chose to ID myself because it describes my sexuality better. I know one is like, the nasty porny one and the other is the nice, more SFW one but I’d be lying if I said I was just a fat admirer and not a feeder.



I also enjoy some of the more feeder fetishy activities (in a consensual relationship) but basically only my exes know about those. I also don’t tell my friends much of the details of exact non-kinky sexual activities I like, so I think of feeding as rather similar to sex. Details are only for the people who participate


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## landshark (May 14, 2020)

Jaycee said:


> What has everyone's experience being someone who is fat admirer in your friend group?
> 
> I'm now pretty open to my close friends about my type/preference of men. They have been good to tell and let me talk about it (a little) I don't blab on about it, but I do point out when I see a guy I find attractive. They definitely don't understand but theh don't give me shit for either.



what a great topic, thank you @Jaycee for bringing this to the class for discussion!

I am just a few days away from 40 and at this point am too old to give a damn what others think. But in my younger days I was more sensitive to it. I recall as I was timidly giving in to my preference for bigger girls I did have a few moments where I was hesitant to let my friends see me with some of the girls I dated/slept around with.

Defintiely past that now. I don’t make a big deal if it either but if it comes up I don’t stray away from it. For example I was talking to a colleague/friend the other day abou t her own fitness/weight loss efforts. She has hit me up for fitness tips in the past. Anyway she and I were talking and I mentioned my wife being a plus size woman and in the context of that discussion it was appropriate to add that several that I dated before being married were too. I think that is a nice way of saying “I didn’t stick with a woman who got fat, I like fat girls.”


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## Shotha (May 15, 2020)

At first, my friends were sorry for me, because I always ended up with these "horrible fat guys".

I came out to my friends as a chubby chaser. This caused a lot of misunderstanding. They thought that no one liked fat guys and so they started matching me up with big guys. They matched me with men, who we hung like hippopotami. I really had to push the point that I liked fat guys. Then they thought that I liked all fat guys. No...

My lesbian friends stood up for me. If I liked fat guys, then it was my business.

Then I came to the realization that my dream entailed not one fat guy but two. Yes, I realized that I was a gainer. Finally, my relationships were what I'd always wanted.

It can be very difficult to draw the dividing line between an FA and a feeder. For me, the difference is that for feeders the act of eating is something, which gives sexual pleasure. Of course, I hang out with a lot of fat gay guys, most of whom like being fat and want to get fatter. So, obviously some big eating takes place but not usually in the bedroom. I see feeders as a subgroup within FA's. However, if the perfect man came along and liked to feed and be fed along with sex, I would not say no.


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## Jaycee (May 15, 2020)

Shh! Don’t tell! said:


> It used to be a big secret for me because my friends in high school brought feedism up as something gross to laugh at one time. I thought if I told anyone, people would think I was creepy. I’m opener about my preferences these days, although I don’t reveal the most fetishy aspects of what I like to platonic friends. Everyone is always fine with it, I’ve never got a bad reaction like the one high-school-me thought I’d get.
> 
> edit-I know this thread is about Fat Admirers and I said feedism, but that’s how I chose to ID myself because it describes my sexuality better. I know one is like, the nasty porny one and the other is the nice, more SFW one but I’d be lying if I said I was just a fat admirer and not a feeder.




I totally get what you mean on your first part and high school fears. Personally I never went to high school but I still am kinda vague at wording on when I mention my preference the last thing I want is someone googling it and finding the nasty porn.

Being a feeder is also a part of it for me I don't ever want to be pushy or demanding on the feeder side so I never have being I haven't ever been with a feedee, at the same time I'd be kidding myself big time if I said a lot of aspects of feeding and guys gaining weight isn't a turn on.


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## Tempere (May 15, 2020)

Jaycee said:


> I totally get what you mean on your first part and high school fears. Personally I never went to high school but I still am kinda vague at wording on when I mention my preference the last thing I want is someone googling it and finding the nasty porn.
> 
> Being a feeder is also a part of it for me I don't ever want to be pushy or demanding on the feeder side so I never have being I haven't ever been with a feedee, at the same time I'd be kidding myself big time if I said a lot of aspects of feeding and guys gaining weight isn't a turn on.



Yup I get that to and the OP. I didn’t become comfortable until I was in my 20s and still am terrible at explaining it.


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## Jaycee (May 16, 2020)

Shotha said:


> At first, my friends were sorry for me, because I always ended up with these "horrible fat guys".
> 
> I came out to my friends as a chubby chaser. This caused a lot of misunderstanding. They thought that no one liked fat guys and so they started matching me up with big guys. They matched me with men, who we hung like hippopotami. I really had to push the point that I liked fat guys. Then they thought that I liked all fat guys. No...
> 
> ...




The whole explaining you like fat guys but you do no find every fat guy attractive seems like it can be a hard thing for "the other" people to understand.


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## landshark (May 16, 2020)

I can totally relate. As a guy, a fit guy especially, as soon as you tell someone you like bigger girls they assume you’d hit any woman who is fat.

that’s not true at all.

Just because I like big girls doesn’t mean I’m not selective. I like what I like and that’s nuanced and unique. It doesn’t mean that I like every big girl just because she’s a big girl. That’s hard for people to understand sometimes.


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## Jaycee (May 17, 2020)

happily_married said:


> I can totally relate. As a guy, a fit guy especially, as soon as you tell someone you like bigger girls they assume you’d hit any woman who is fat.
> 
> that’s not true at all.
> 
> Just because I like big girls doesn’t mean I’m not selective. I like what I like and that’s nuanced and unique. It doesn’t mean that I like every big girl just because she’s a big girl. That’s hard for people to understand sometimes.




Exactly!! I sometimes wonder if it makes it harder for other people to comprehend when a fit/smaller person finds fat people attractive. We live in a society where it's supposed to be a very taboo thing.


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## Jaycee (May 17, 2020)

happily_married said:


> what a great topic, thank you @Jaycee for bringing this to the class for discussion!
> 
> I am just a few days away from 40 and at this point am too old to give a damn what others think. But in my younger days I was more sensitive to it. I recall as I was timidly giving in to my preference for bigger girls I did have a few moments where I was hesitant to let my friends see me with some of the girls I dated/slept around with.
> 
> Defintiely past that now. I don’t make a big deal if it either but if it comes up I don’t stray away from it. For example I was talking to a colleague/friend the other day abou t her own fitness/weight loss efforts. She has hit me up for fitness tips in the past. Anyway she and I were talking and I mentioned my wife being a plus size woman and in the context of that discussion it was appropriate to add that several that I dated before being married were too. I think that is a nice way of saying “I didn’t stick with a woman who got fat, I like fat girls.”



I'm getting to where I'm confident enough about my preference towards big men (I'm just getting in to my 20s) starting to not care about what other people think. There still is times of being embarrassed to admit who I find attractive especially, if my friends for whatever reason start talking about how heavy a guy and just ignore. I'd love get to where I can just admit and not


happily_married said:


> what a great topic, thank you @Jaycee for bringing this to the class for discussion!
> 
> I am just a few days away from 40 and at this point am too old to give a damn what others think. But in my younger days I was more sensitive to it. I recall as I was timidly giving in to my preference for bigger girls I did have a few moments where I was hesitant to let my friends see me with some of the girls I dated/slept around with.
> 
> Defintiely past that now. I don’t make a big deal if it either but if it comes up I don’t stray away from it. For example I was talking to a colleague/friend the other day abou t her own fitness/weight loss efforts. She has hit me up for fitness tips in the past. Anyway she and I were talking and I mentioned my wife being a plus size woman and in the context of that discussion it was appropriate to add that several that I dated before being married were too. I think that is a nice way of saying “I didn’t stick with a woman who got fat, I like fat girls.”




I'm still growing up to the point where I can actually talk about it if it ever does come up on conversation and talk about it with out feeling awkward as all get out. Looking forward to that day. I like that you pointed that out. Because it's not that you stuck with someone who gained weight or love them despite of the weight. As a FA/FFA that's most definitely NOT the case.


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## DJ_S (May 17, 2020)

,...........


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## Shotha (May 17, 2020)

happily_married said:


> I can totally relate. As a guy, a fit guy especially, as soon as you tell someone you like bigger girls they assume you’d hit any woman who is fat.
> 
> that’s not true at all.
> 
> Just because I like big girls doesn’t mean I’m not selective. I like what I like and that’s nuanced and unique. It doesn’t mean that I like every big girl just because she’s a big girl. That’s hard for people to understand sometimes.



I've been through this sort of issue twice. The first time, it was over being gay. People thought that, because I liked men, I liked all men and that no man in the room was safe from me. There was also the double standard of people with the attitude towards sex that when we do it it's love but when they do it it's lust.

I see the same notions exist with attitudes towards FA/FFA's. There's the notion that all fat people are attractive to us and there's the notion that our love is inferior, a kink, a fetish, just lust. The important thing for me is that there was and is a powerful LGBTI+ rights movement. There doesn't seem to be much going on around New Zealand to destigmatize the love of fat people. But I believe that things will improve. Some chat show hosts have tried to talk constructively about the issue. Unfortunately, the rest of the media have not come close to the truth very often. There have been too many episodes of TV dramas, in which the fat boy or girl has to face the "fact" that no one else will want to date or marry them except another fat person. We might know that this simply is not the case but it needs to be demonstrated to the rest of the world.

There is also a gender bias about this issue. Fat women face far more stigma than fat men do. This means that it's easier for a woman to date/marry a fat guy than vice versa.

I think that there will be some interesting developments on this matter over the next few years. People find discrimination of all kinds to be far less acceptable these days than it was 10 or 20 years ago. In the meantime, whom we choose to spend our lives with is our choice. We do not have to listen to our detractors. We can choose to spend our time with people who accept us the way that we are.


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## Metallicalover99 (May 26, 2020)

My close friends and family know about my preferences. My current close friends are very accepting, while my family was not accepting at first. I think my mom was very confused because she could never imagine herself being attracted to the people I liked, almost not believing me. I am lucky that she is now accepting of who I am attracted to.


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## magodamilion2 (May 27, 2020)

Shotha said:


> There is also a gender bias about this issue. Fat women face far more stigma than fat men do. This means that it's easier for a woman to date/marry a fat guy than vice versa.



It's really not that easy though. I agree that the stigma is harsher on fat women, but I don't think that translates to the experience of dating fat men being less judged than dating fat women. I'm a bisexual FFA who has dated both, and people have been way less surprised/more positive when I've dated a fat women. The reaction was very neutral, like no one really thought anything of it from a weight standpoint. Whereas when I've dated a fat man, people have been very confused as if I was downgrading and embarrassing myself somehow. 

I think it also depends on the kind of social circle you're in. If you're in more of a 'woke' liberal circle, fat women tend to be perceived much more positively than fat men are.


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## Shotha (May 28, 2020)

magodamilion2 said:


> It's really not that easy though. I agree that the stigma is harsher on fat women, but I don't think that translates to the experience of dating fat men being less judged than dating fat women. I'm a bisexual FFA who has dated both, and people have been way less surprised/more positive when I've dated a fat women. The reaction was very neutral, like no one really thought anything of it from a weight standpoint. Whereas when I've dated a fat man, people have been very confused as if I was downgrading and embarrassing myself somehow.
> 
> I think it also depends on the kind of social circle you're in. If you're in more of a 'woke' liberal circle, fat women tend to be perceived much more positively than fat men are.



Thank you, @magodamilion2. I was hoping that there would be some discussion about this, as it's a complicated issue. As I'm gay and only date fat men, I have to listen to what other people say about this. I wonder, if some of the difference in our experience might be because we live in different countries. I've lived in the UK and in New Zealand, where I currently reside.

We agree that there is more stigma against fat women than against fat men. We perceive the reaction to dating fat men and fat women differently. I wonder how much of that difference is because we live in different countries. The sort of reaction that I see towards fat men dating conventionally attractive women is that they don't deserve an attractive woman. "She should be mine." The reaction to a conventionally attractive guy dating a fat woman can be quite vitriolic. New Zealand tends to lag behind America with fashions, attitudes and social trends. I wonder, if this accounts for the differences that are observed.

I agree that what we observe depends on the social circle that we move in. I'm an active member of the New Zealand Labour Party, which is proud of its stance on equality for all. Discrimination against fat women and against fat men is utter anathema to them. Less political liberal circles here probably do treat fat women better than fat men. The worst fat hatred that I see is in our little gay club, which is dominated quite by chance by fat men. They hate themselves for being fat and they hate me for liking being fat and for dating fat guys. But that is a different can of worms.


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## Tad (May 28, 2020)

magodamilion2 said:


> It's really not that easy though. I agree that the stigma is harsher on fat women, but I don't think that translates to the experience of dating fat men being less judged than dating fat women. I'm a bisexual FFA who has dated both, and people have been way less surprised/more positive when I've dated a fat women. The reaction was very neutral, like no one really thought anything of it from a weight standpoint. Whereas when I've dated a fat man, people have been very confused as if I was downgrading and embarrassing myself somehow.
> 
> I think it also depends on the kind of social circle you're in. If you're in more of a 'woke' liberal circle, fat women tend to be perceived much more positively than fat men are.





Shotha said:


> Thank you, @magodamilion2. I was hoping that there would be some discussion about this, as it's a complicated issue. As I'm gay and only date fat men, I have to listen to what other people say about this. I wonder, if some of the difference in our experience might be because we live in different countries. I've lived in the UK and in New Zealand, where I currently reside.
> 
> We agree that there is more stigma against fat women than against fat men. We perceive the reaction to dating fat men and fat women differently. I wonder how much of that difference is because we live in different countries. The sort of reaction that I see towards fat men dating conventionally attractive women is that they don't deserve an attractive woman. "She should be mine." The reaction to a conventionally attractive guy dating a fat woman can be quite vitriolic. New Zealand tends to lag behind America with fashions, attitudes and social trends. I wonder, if this accounts for the differences that are observed.
> 
> I agree that what we observe depends on the social circle that we move in. I'm an active member of the New Zealand Labour Party, which is proud of its stance on equality for all. Discrimination against fat women and against fat men is utter anathema to them. Less political liberal circles here probably do treat fat women better than fat men. The worst fat hatred that I see is in our little gay club, which is dominated quite by chance by fat men. They hate themselves for being fat and they hate me for liking being fat and for dating fat guys. But that is a different can of worms.


Some rambling philosophizing while I listen in to a conference call:
I like the story here: The Rabbi Is In: Two Men Come Down The Same Chimney | ALEPH. All the different ways of answering “Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face, the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?” reminds me that we come up with answers, but there are always other ways of looking at things.

If Magdamilion sees less negative feedback when dating fat women than fat me, you could argue that means:
- fat women face less negative attitudes
- no matter the general attitudes, there are less negative attitudes about fat women dating than about fat men dating
- that people don't feel the same way about lesbians being fat as they do about straight women
- that people don't feel the same way about a fat woman dating another woman as about her dating a man
- that people don't feel comfortable in expressing opinions about a woman dating a fat woman, for fear that it will seem like they are disproving of two women dating
- that the people who would disprove of a thin woman dating a fat woman more strongly disprove of two women dating, so that is the dominant criticism
- that when dating another woman Magdamilion might move through different circles, or simply get notices by different people, than when dating a fat man
- and on and on

Shotha gives another good example, is the hostility he sees in his local gay club representative of what he would see in the gay community at large, or just a particular local vibe, or ?

We all have our experiences, and of course we come up with explanations for them, but some other reasonable person might take those same experiences and come up with different explanations.
/philosophizing

What I will observe is that one thing I see in same-sex relationships(middle-class, middle-age, mostly college educated milieu) is that:
- Women get criticized, in essence, for not properly managing their man to keep his weight at an acceptable level. 
- Men get criticized more for not valuing themselves enough, because otherwise they would not tolerate a fat woman as a partner.


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## Shotha (May 29, 2020)

Tad said:


> What I will observe is that one thing I see in same-sex relationships(middle-class, middle-age, mostly college educated milieu) is that:
> - Women get criticized, in essence, for not properly managing their man to keep his weight at an acceptable level.
> - Men get criticized more for not valuing themselves enough, because otherwise they would not tolerate a fat woman as a partner.



???

I think that you have brought up some very valid points, remembering that @magodamilion2 and myself have suggested a number of reasons as to why our experiences of this are different.

You suggest that a bisexual woman might not take male partners and female partners to mix in the same social circles. I find this persuasive, as for most of my life but not now, if I were bi I would not have taken both of them into the same social circles.

I also think that there can be a big difference between what people will say to your face and what they will only say behind your back. When I was 4 years old, I like fat people and had decided that I was going to be one of them. I noticed that people in our circle of friends referred to a man, whom I knew as Uncle Roy, as Fatty. One Sunday morning Uncle Roy arrived at our house and let himself in through the back door. I was so delighted to see him that I yelled, "'Ey up, dad, Fatty's 'ere!" Uncle Roy was upset and angry and suggested that my dad should slap my ear. As a 4 year old I had failed to observe that our friends never called Uncle Roy Fatty to his face.

In the gay community in New Zealand I would be shunned by most people. What is puzzling is that I should be shunned by a little group of fat gay men.

The lesbians in my circle of friends are not so bothered about staying slim as other women seem to be. I wonder if other people might think that it doesn't matter so much for a lesbian to be fat.


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## Ffancy (May 29, 2020)

Tad said:


> What I will observe is that one thing I see in same-sex relationships(middle-class, middle-age, mostly college educated milieu) is that:
> - Women get criticized, in essence, for not properly managing their man to keep his weight at an acceptable level.
> - Men get criticized more for not valuing themselves enough, because otherwise they would not tolerate a fat woman as a partner.


You said same-sex relationships, although I think you meant opposite-sex relationships here...


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## ODFFA (May 29, 2020)

Throwing my two cents into the gender topic, I can see the truth of all experiences expressed here. Women are widely societally defined by their looks, so there can be a very particular _type _of denigration a fat woman may face, which is qualitatively different to the flack men get for their weight.

But, men do get plenty flack -- plenty -- and because society is so looks-focused with women, some may underestimate the shit BHMs go through. If you're a man who dates women and you're not expected to have an "attractive" feminine partner, or people fail to disguise their bafflement when you do have such a partner -- when the representation of fat guys you see in the media are confined to the comic relief guy who only ever "gets the girl" on account of his (excessively) jovial personality, if at all -- that kind of stuff weighs down on one's self-esteem. It may seem subtle to those of us not in their shoes, but if you think about it, it's really not that psychologically benign.

And getting back to the OG topic:
I've had very fun, positive experiences confessing my preferences to friends and family. My girlfriends and my mom will often alert me to a "handsome teddy bear" walking by when we're out and about. (It doesn't sound quite as cute in English as it does in Afrikaans  )

Sometimes my mom would say to me "You're still going to end up with a tiny little stick bug of a man, you'll see," just because I was still so young and she didn't quite get how hardwired this preference of mine is. One day, she said, "You do know not all big guys are good people, right?" To which I responded with, "Of course I know that. That's not why I like bigger guys. It's a physical attraction. I've never found myself attracted to a thin or muscular guy -- not once." That was the day she really came to understand my attraction and, even though she'd always been great about it, she's been even more brilliant about it ever since. We gab and do the typical girl-talk thing, and it's awesome to feel like I equally get to partake in that kind of banter.


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## Tad (May 30, 2020)

Ffancy said:


> You said same-sex relationships, although I think you meant opposite-sex relationships here...


*headslap* what an error to type! Thank you for the catch.


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## Shotha (May 30, 2020)

Tad said:


> *headslap* what an error to type! Thank you for the catch.



I was left confused by that. I flagged it but did not flag a correction.


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## Tad (May 31, 2020)

Shotha said:


> I was left confused by that. I flagged it but did not flag a correction.


Unfortunately by the time it was Ffancy made it obvious to me what I'd actually written (instead of what I thought I'd written), it was too late to edit it, so each person who reads through the thread will go through the same confusion


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## Shotha (May 31, 2020)

Tad said:


> Unfortunately by the time it was Ffancy made it obvious to me what I'd actually written (instead of what I thought I'd written), it was too late to edit it, so each person who reads through the thread will go through the same confusion



I make stuff-ups too. My usual pitfall is to write a post, usually a quite long one, thinking that I have an hour or more to check that I have one or two facts right. And then someone shows up an hour early to take me somewhere and I've ended up hitting the SEND button, knowing that I haven't done my research properly.

I now know that I can just leave the text as it is and the Dimensions software will save it for me to finish and post later. That's a wonderful software feature.


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