# The FA tendency to objectify women



## bdog (Aug 6, 2009)

So I've been reading a couple threads on the weight board tonight that seemed to go together but in an inverse way.

I've read, in essence:

"I want to be desired, but as a whole person, and not just a fat body."

"This guy says he loves SSBBWs so he should be true to that desire and only date SSBBWs, right?"

I see both perspectives as completely valid, and yet they can't coexist very easily. If someone only likes SSBBWs then what happens if the SSBBW loses weight? It's a bit of a pickle, and it can be difficult on both sides of the equation.

And when I say "it can be difficult on both sides of the equation" what I really mean to say is life is heart wrenchingly beautiful, unresolved, and right now.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post... but I'm interested to hear other peoples thoughts on the matter. also, it might be nice to weigh in with personal experience instead of abstract philosophical musing. feelings... that's where it's at!


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## JaytheFA (Aug 6, 2009)

"This guy says he loves SSBBWs so he should be true to that desire and only date SSBBWs, right?"
If someone only likes SSBBWs then what happens if the SSBBW loses weight? 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've battled with these questions for years from some of my family members...who think that sometimes I date women just because they are fat! 
OK...its true! LOL...but if I was really into someone and she lost weight...I would still love her. Bottom line...what if my appearance changes...would she still love me?


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## bdog (Aug 6, 2009)

JaytheFA said:


> I've battled with these questions for years from some of my family members...who think that sometimes I date women just because they are fat!
> OK...its true! LOL...but if I was really into someone and she lost weight...I would still love her. Bottom line...what if my appearance changes...would she still love me?



Well, yeah, but loving someone and wanting to stay with them forever are two different things. Let's just be clear. I've definitely been in love with thin women and it's like I just don't think I can deal with this long term. The fact that I love them just makes it more painful.


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## Haunted (Aug 6, 2009)

I've written about something similar in the past and I very often worry about this too. Ultimately she was in the lower 200's when we met and is currently 300+. And I most certainly objectify her (not something I'm proud of but I am extremely physically attracted to her as well as emotionally. If she lost weight would I still want her (I will always love her) I think it depends on how much weight she lost. Baring a serious illness she isn't losing 200 lbs any time soon. What I'm trying to say is I was gaga for her at 220 and I'm still gaga at over 300. Now this is probably shallow but if she were 150 lbs I'd probably have a problem desiring her physically.


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## BlkBBWProtector (Aug 18, 2009)

If you're talking about objectifying women, I find myself doing it in a different way than just objectifying fat vs. not fat. I tend to focus on particular body parts. I'm always talking about, "Oooo...she has great breasts," or "ooo...she has thick thighs." And I'm not often very attracted to women who have breasts or thighs that are less big. Ironically, my wife, who is a BBW and who is bi, does the exact same thing. She loves butts and will talk about women who have big butts, but tends to pay significantly less attention to women who don't. There may be a sub-section of FAs who are also BPAs (body-part admirers.)


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Aug 18, 2009)

FAs as whole are not more prone to objectification that guys who like skinny girls with big breasts. Their motives are subjected to more scrutiny because they have atypical preferences.

Being attracted to somebody's body and being attracted to the whole person are not mutually exclusive.


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## LoveBHMS (Aug 18, 2009)

I don't think there is any one answer here. 

I posted about this elsewhere but I have had 2 instances where BHM partners lost weight. Both were men I knew through work and in addition to the sexual relationships, I was able to see them in professional situations where their intelligence, work ethic, and talent were highlighted. Both were also very funny, and anyone of any gender or size who can make you laugh is generally good to be around. Both lost weight. In once case, I still very much loved the person; we had a personal friendship as well as a sexual relationship and he was a great friend. I continued to be able to appreciate his personal qualities but I was less sexually attracted after the weight loss. I did not *love* him less, but the sexual attraction was less.

In the other case, the guy and I had an intense mind-blowing personal chemistry. We had an amazing physical and mental connection. I simultaneously never wanted to keep my hands off him or stop talking to him. Any contact, even a text message brought me immense happiness. He lost weight after I had not seen him for several months. I almost reflexively converted the weight loss into positive ideas; I admired his hard work and discipline in going to the gym, I admired his perseverence in losing the weight since I knew a fat guy going to the gym as a beginner might be self conscious, I took notice of how a lot of the weight loss showed in his face and it made his eyes stand out more, I shared his pride in his accomplishment.

So really, from my personal experiences I'd say there are an infinite number of variables including the relationship outside of the bedroom, the particular chemistry between partners, the level of "FA-ness" in the FA, the importance of sex in a relationship.


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## bdog (Aug 18, 2009)

LoveBHMS said:


> I almost reflexively converted the weight loss into positive ideas; I admired his hard work and discipline in going to the gym, I admired his perseverence in losing the weight since I knew a fat guy going to the gym as a beginner might be self conscious, I took notice of how a lot of the weight loss showed in his face and it made his eyes stand out more, I shared his pride in his accomplishment.
> 
> So really, from my personal experiences I'd say there are an infinite number of variables including the relationship outside of the bedroom, the particular chemistry between partners, the level of "FA-ness" in the FA, the importance of sex in a relationship.



I've never experienced the latter example but I'm glad to know someone has. 

Good answer, you.


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## rollhandler (Aug 18, 2009)

JaytheFA said:


> "This guy says he loves SSBBWs so he should be true to that desire and only date SSBBWs, right?"
> If someone only likes SSBBWs then what happens if the SSBBW loses weight?
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I've battled with these questions for years from some of my family members...who think that sometimes I date women just because they are fat!
> OK...its true! LOL...but if I was really into someone and she lost weight...I would still love her. Bottom line...what if my appearance changes...would she still love me?



I believe that there is an innate confusion between physical love and attraction and the intangable attraction of love between a couple.
If I were to love a woman and love her deeply her appearance would be of no regard and she would know that I truly loved her. If she lost a quantity of weight would I find her to be as physically attractive to me? Probably not, however I would still share the heartfelt adoration and love for her as a person and a woman. 
Would I still find her attractive? Yes, but not in the lust inducing way that she as a fat person generates in me as an FA. Ultimately she is still the same person that I fell in love with before she lost weight. She would just look different.
Rollhandler


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## peppermint rhino (Aug 19, 2009)

I don't know if this is where this topic is trying to go, but my stance on the matter of objectifying/basing your decision to interact with any given woman is that I base my initial decision on whether or not I find myself attracted to the woman in question. If I am, I will persue her, if not, I won't. I do realize that these women I desire are individuals just like myself and a relationship with them would have to be primarly based on chemistry between our two personalities, but by the same coin, I have to be attracted to that person as well. If I'm not, then there's a very rare chance that I'm going to be interested in the woman in the first place.


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## wrestlingguy (Aug 20, 2009)

rollhandler said:


> I believe that there is an innate confusion between physical love and attraction and the intangable attraction of love between a couple.
> If I were to love a woman and love her deeply her appearance would be of no regard and she would know that I truly loved her. If she lost a quantity of weight would I find her to be as physically attractive to me? Probably not, however I would still share the heartfelt adoration and love for her as a person and a woman.
> Would I still find her attractive? Yes, but not in the lust inducing way that she as a fat person generates in me as an FA. Ultimately she is still the same person that I fell in love with before she lost weight. She would just look different.
> Rollhandler



I kinda like where rollhandler was going with this, but I want to take it a step further.

What most guys have here is an attraction to fat, curvy women, no different than guys who like redheads, or large breasts, etc.......

What happens when I guy likes large boobs, and his object of desire has a mastectomy due to breast cancer. Does he move on? Does he stay with who he loves, yet yearns for another? Is that fair to the other person?

Change is inevitable. Rollhandler's point about how love factors into that can't be emphasized enough. Love can carry one through any change, if one truly knows how to love, and realizes that love is not just about body size or form. It's just the package that houses the person.

Soooooooo.......if it's just a physical thing between you & your objectified woman or man, and they're down with it, then so be it if they lose weight, and change the parameters of what you saw in them. However, when love comes into the picture, all that goes out the window.


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## rollhandler (Aug 20, 2009)

peppermint rhino said:


> I don't know if this is where this topic is trying to go, but my stance on the matter of objectifying/basing your decision to interact with any given woman is that I base my initial decision on whether or not I find myself attracted to the woman in question. If I am, I will persue her, if not, I won't. I do realize that these women I desire are individuals just like myself and a relationship with them would have to be primarly based on chemistry between our two personalities, but by the same coin, I have to be attracted to that person as well. If I'm not, then there's a very rare chance that I'm going to be interested in the woman in the first place.



Have you ever thought about the question How deep is your love? Or what the question implies in regards to connections and attraction in relationships?

They say love has to grow and deepen. But where does love initially start?
Love begins with infatuation and _*is*_ shallow and visual. This is how humans are designed to attract each other. However once the initial attraction is made love has to deepen to grow. I have always maintained that men and women sexually and in relationships want the exact same things but go about getting them differently and for different genetic hardwired reasons.

Women want sex as much as men do and masturbate in the absence of a quality mate or fulfil the need with casual sex. The perception of the acts in question are merely percieved differently by society standards and how we treat those who act them out.

Men want love as much as women do but the trait is seen as a flaw or weekness in the natural selection process in favor of other more aggressive qualities. This is seen all over the place in how women are tired of seeing emotional men (pussies) and want one more aggressive, especially in the bedroom. This reinforces the aspect in men that aggressive behaviour is prized by women over the emotional, we react in nature accordingly in order for us to attract the partner who can provide support for our emotional and sexual needs. This also reinforces my point of going about getting our male human needs fulfilled differently than women who are allowed by nature and society to display these traits openly to attract males.

Men and women want the same things from intimate relationships as much as the other but once again the perception of how we go about achieving this is different.

If men were only sexually driven creatures there would be no relationships nor marriage for any other reason than to propogate the species. There would be no masturbation, nor sex with any woman outside of her optimum fertilization period. He would only marry those women he could continually make pregnant with success. There would be no intimacy related to the act.

If women were only sexual creatures then there would only be sex when an optimum male was available to do so. they would be just as sexually aggressive as males and they would not have sex outside of their optimum fertilization period, masturbate, or deal in sex practices outside of that optimum state. Casual sex would be last resort to pass genes on and be with a single mindedness of propogation at all costs. Once again no intimacy

If men and women were ONLY emotional creatures they would meet, connect, and never be attracted to another until or even after death, and vanity of physical appearance would not be relevant qualities in either gender.
intimate sexuality would only occur later in the relationship once emotional depth was achieved. It would not be a hormonal response to physical stimuli. 

In men and women once the initial visual/physical attraction is made certain receptors in the brain shut down causing some flaws in personality to be overlooked so that one pays more attention to other traits of what attract two people. This is why a woman can get horny and wet looking at a well built man and men get erections and want to take the woman they just saw to bed. 

The natural response of both toward the other is more physical, sexual and shallow. We are taught that this response to stimuli is the desire to want to get to know the male/female better on other levels. The response to initial attraction is more basic, animalistic, and sexual more often than not. Women are trained since birth to see it as something else, and not act on the sexual until the emotional can be satisfied as well. Men are taught to pursue it aggressively at this level. We test and temper each other in society to achieve the end result of the lifelong relationship through our dating games and mating rituals.

Once the couple is together and the shiny penny has worn a bit nature has given them a chance to get to know each other a bit and the relationship begins to heighten and deepen as they share experiences, and each other on a level more than just physical. If not, they stagnate. The flaws that weren't perceived initially become an issue and the relationship either ends or continues unhappily. Some couples never achieve emotional depth and don't realize it until something in the physical appearance of one partner or the other changes and they no longer feel an attraction toward that partner. These couples inevitably either accept their lot and continue or break up.

The couples that stay together through physical changes and life are the ones who have deep and abiding connections with their partners through the emotional connections they have nurtured over time. We as humans have an sense of instant gratification and although we desire the instant connection for a mate to see our minds as attractive as well as our bodies the initial attraction of our species is just not that way and we still seem shocked and offended when it just doesn't happen fast enough even though we realize that instant connections are rare without the initial visual connection to pave the way and create the desire necessary for intimate relationships to grow. 

Men and women seek different qualities in each other. Both just as shallow as the other initially. I've been turned down for dates based on my income, some for looks, and for others it was my manner of deportment. Women are hardwired to seek men who can provide security(on various levels), genetic material for optimum offspring, safety, and income, amongst other things. A lot of time they see his ability to provide these things initially, in physical appearance, and translate that subconciously into intelligence ambition, and a level of aggression toward being able to provide these things. 

This is why there are "guys, post pictures of your (insert name of masculine body part here.)" threads. Women just look for different characteristics within the physical traits and extrapolate differently the percieved abilities of a man on a basic subconcious level. 

Men are visually driven but what we look for is different things in attraction and more driven toward the womans ability to pass on our genetic material. With men and women both, nature takes us to the most basic level of what traits we look for in a mate before we look deeper to the person for what will sustain the relationship past the point of infatuation.
Anyway enough rambling, on with the thread.
Rollhandler


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## voidhead (Aug 22, 2009)

Can we just stop beating around the bush for 2 seconds? 

The bottom line is that I think most male FAs have a comfort zone, being very visual in terms of sexual attraction as all men are, in terms of size for a partner. 

This comfort zone isn't a specific weight, it's just a general size. If a woman is too thin and fits outside the comfort zone, it's difficult to develop and maintain an erection while trying to engage her in sex.

When *Haunted* says: "Now this is probably shallow but if she were 150 lbs I'd probably have a problem desiring her physically." ...

... Umm not it's not shallow because if you can't get it up and have sex you can't get it up. It's not something you should feel bad about! The girl is not turning you on. A physical component to a relationship is very important. 

I think the "comfort zone" fluctuates throughout an FAs life, but I'm willing to bet many FAs out there have had that experience where you've tried to have sex with normal or chubby girls and you were into them, but physically you just could not develop and/or maintain an erection, and that you felt you were "forcing" yourself to become erect in the first place in order to consummate the sex act. 

As an interesting side note, I think watching SSBBW porn has a negative effect on the comfort zone, in that smaller girls who might have done it for you before are now too small. 

Does anyone else feel this way?


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## bdog (Aug 22, 2009)

voidhead said:


> Can we just stop beating around the bush for 2 seconds?
> 
> The bottom line is that I think most male FAs have a comfort zone, being very visual in terms of sexual attraction as all men are, in terms of size for a partner.
> 
> ...



Yeah, pretty much, definitely.

But there is definitely an emotional component that can weaken/strengthen an erection for men. But it might be difficult to reach that place with a thinner gal.


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## BBW Goddess Anna (Aug 23, 2009)

Damn, you are so Zen...

Oh, and I agree with you completely.



rollhandler said:


> Have you ever thought about the question How deep is your love? Or what the question implies in regards to connections and attraction in relationships?
> 
> They say love has to grow and deepen. But where does love initially start?
> Love begins with infatuation and _*is*_ shallow and visual. This is how humans are designed to attract each other. However once the initial attraction is made love has to deepen to grow. I have always maintained that men and women sexually and in relationships want the exact same things but go about getting them differently and for different genetic hardwired reasons.
> ...


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## joswitch (Aug 23, 2009)

Pretty much agreeing with what Fuzzy Necromancer and voidhead said.. Except the bit about ssbbw porn.. What actually cemented my exclusive desire for a bbw gf (who's at least a size 18 or 20 but pref. a 24 or bigger) wasn't an arbitrary idea or a fantasy or porn.. It was my three year LTR with a gorgeous bbw who was just so mindblowing in bed and so fulfilling in hugs.. Loving her meant NOT having to fantasise during sex.. Loving her meant being truly alive in the moment.. Once I had experienced what it's like to be with a proper fat girl there was no going back for me... And re. the sex vs. love thing.. Yes sexual attraction between people might end/reduce with physical changes.. But even if you split with someone cos of that there's a loving friendship that can endure.. Well that's been my and my most recent ex's experience anyway.. And if I appreciate, care for and love her even tho we are no longer a couple, nor sexually involved - well that'd be the opposite of objectification - IMO


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 23, 2009)

I'm having some difficulty with understanding how not being able to "get it up" for thin women has anything to do with the OP's actual post, about objectifying fat women.



voidhead said:


> Can we just stop beating around the bush for 2 seconds?
> 
> The bottom line is that I think most male FAs have a comfort zone, being very visual in terms of sexual attraction as all men are, in terms of size for a partner.
> 
> ...


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 24, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> I'm having some difficulty with understanding how not being able to "get it up" for thin women has anything to do with the OP's actual post, about objectifying fat women.




yes...a man making everything about his penis and less about the woman he desires is objectifying, IMO.
A guy that just wants to ask me questions about my weight, size, etc and has ZILCH interest in knowing anything else about me is objectifying...and his questions aren't even really about me....but how well *he* will be satisfied. 
There are other factors involved that go beyond feeling physically attracted to someone....and only caring about yourself when dealing with others is not a good way to treat other people.
I believe that is one of the things that takes it to the level of objectifying another human being.


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## cinnamitch (Aug 24, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> yes...a man making everything about his penis and less about the woman he desires is objectifying, IMO.
> A guy that just wants to ask me questions about my weight, size, etc and has ZILCH interest in knowing anything else about me is objectifying...and his questions aren't even really about me....*but how well he will be satisfied*.
> There are other factors involved that go beyond feeling physically attracted to someone....and only caring about yourself when dealing with others is not a good way to treat other people.
> I believe that is one of the things that takes it to the level of objectifying another human being.



Some men need to realize it's not all about them . A man better learn how to satisfy ME or my dimply, cute fat ass will just waddle on away to something better, and by satisfy, i mean satisfy my body, mind and soul. I'm not an object to admire and play with at someone's whim, i am a living, breathing person.


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## Brach311 (Aug 24, 2009)

voidhead said:


> Can we just stop beating around the bush for 2 seconds?
> 
> The bottom line is that I think most male FAs have a comfort zone, being very visual in terms of sexual attraction as all men are, in terms of size for a partner.
> 
> ...



Thats where imagination comes into play...Its not impossible to maintain an erection or have sex with someone that may be outside of the our normal type of woman...just requires a tad more effort.


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## mossystate (Aug 24, 2009)

Brach311 said:


> Thats where imagination comes into play...Its not impossible to maintain an erection or have sex with someone that may be outside of the our normal type of woman...just requires a tad more effort.





There ought to be medals given to men like you.

:blush:


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## Brach311 (Aug 25, 2009)

mossystate said:


> There ought to be medals given to men like you.
> 
> :blush:



Did you honestly think men never think about other women?


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## mossystate (Aug 25, 2009)

Brach311 said:


> Did you honestly think men never think about other women?



Why must you sully my nice comment, with things I was not even thinking ?


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## msbard90 (Aug 25, 2009)

It isn't just FA's. Or men. We all do it to eachother. There are some men out there with hot sexy six packs (hellooooo sexy!!!) or bhm... (for all the bhm lovers out there :happy: ) I think that a lot of us BBW's feel objectified on dims because that's what a lot of FA's are here for. They want to fulfill their fetish desires by catching free shots of the paysite girls or peeking around in our silly picture laden threads  . Also, I think that men have the right to date SSBBW's exclusively as I have the desire to date hot, muscular men with full heads of hair exclusively. If you love the partner enough, hopefully that initial infatuation wouldn't be the deciding factor if say- your ssbbw lost 300 lbs or my dream muscle man became bald, hairy, and pot bellied... **no offense bhm's.... no hating here I promise **


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## bdog (Aug 25, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> I'm having some difficulty with understanding how not being able to "get it up" for thin women has anything to do with the OP's actual post, about objectifying fat women.



It seemed relevant enough to me. *shrug*

I mean, if a guy can't get it up for thin women, it stands to reason that if his SSBBW lost 200 lbs their sex life would suffer. So is he not loving the whole person, then?


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## bdog (Aug 25, 2009)

mossystate said:


> Why must you sully my nice comment, with things I was not even thinking ?



Possibly because you're one of the snarkiest people on these forums? 

I have no idea if you're serious. I can see you arguing for either side.


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## mossystate (Aug 25, 2009)

bdog said:


> Possibly because you're one of the snarkiest people on these forums?
> 
> I have no idea if you're serious. I can see you arguing for either side.




You call it snark...I call it humor, with a side of making a point. I guess we won't be marrying.



Oh, and, like I said to the boy I responded to...I was not even talking about people fantasizing about others. Carry on.


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## Brach311 (Aug 25, 2009)

mossystate said:


> You call it snark...I call it humor, with a side of making a point. I guess we won't be marrying.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, and, like I said to the boy I responded to...I was not even talking about people fantasizing about others. Carry on.



So what exactly was that point? And was it made before you after you switched sides?


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## Smushygirl (Aug 25, 2009)

Brach311 said:


> Thats where imagination comes into play...Its not impossible to maintain an erection or have sex with someone that may be outside of the our normal type of woman...just requires a tad more effort.



Let's see if I can help you all to understand. Of course, I may be off base, and Miss Mossy can clarify. 

On the surface, this seems like a good thing to say. It seems as if you are in the moment with your partner, trying things that are exciting to you both, to ratchet up the excitement so that you can maintain your erection with someone who may be out of your "normal" type. Nothing wrong with that, seems great even, hence: 



mossystate said:


> There ought to be medals given to men like you.
> 
> :blush:



The little bush smilie indicates that this is a positive response to what she thought you said.



Brach311 said:


> Did you honestly think men never think about other women?



Male truth spoils the moment. Women would probably not think to fuck someone they weren't slightly attracted to, and then to be able to get off, think about man to whom they were really attracted. I could be wrong here, but it has been my experience to work with what about my partner is sexy. 



mossystate said:


> Why must you sully my nice comment, with things I was not even thinking ?



Response is correct.



bdog said:


> Possibly because you're one of the snarkiest people on these forums?
> 
> I have no idea if you're serious. I can see you arguing for either side.



Your limitation.



mossystate said:


> You call it snark...I call it humor, with a side of making a point. I guess we won't be marrying.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, and, like I said to the boy I responded to...I was not even talking about people fantasizing about others. Carry on.



See, I told you. She never thought your remark was about fantasizing about other women.



Brach311 said:


> So what exactly was that point? And was it made before you after you switched sides?



See all above.


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## Tau (Aug 25, 2009)

I would die of mortification and misery if I ever found out that the man I'm with has to fantasize about somebody else while he's shagging me  because my eyes would be wide open, focused on the reality of him and loving and enjoying every particle of who he is and what he looks like. 

I never forget an episode of Nip Tuck where Christian shags a fat girl who wants to be thin and asks her to wear a brown paper bag over her head while he fucks her so that he can pretend she's his fiance. I wept through that entire scene because I couldn't believe she agreed to that. 

To me any man who thought about somebody else, or imagined me fatter, thinner, fairer in complexion, whatever while with me has as good as put that bag over my head. And if I stay with somebody knowing that they wish I looked or felt different, I'm the fat girl who willingly, eagerly put a paper bag over her head for a fuck. 

I'm meant to be your fantasy. If your fantasy is somebody fatter - I don't care how much you love my personality and enjoy being with me - go find that fatter girl cos I certainly won't be happy knowing you've settled. I just feel that I've spent too many years of my life already feeling like the girl men would settle for - or the one who'd be so amazing if only she lost 50 kilos! I have no intention of spending any time in a relationship where I'd be the girl who'd be phenomanal if she gained 50 kilos or grew a fatter ass.


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## mossystate (Aug 25, 2009)

I was a lil tired when I posted last night. I meant my snark. My point was.......while people might go to a fantasy every now and then, while having sex with their partner....DON'T BE FUCKING SOMEONE OUTSIDE YOUR FLIPPIN' ' COMFORT ZONE ' TO BEGIN WITH.

Men might now and then think about other women. Women might now and then think about other men. If you are thinking that it is some noble act to tell some dude the tricks of keeping his dick hard with a woman he is not attracted to...then I will cook up a huge, heaping, helping of snark for you. Just let me get some lunch.

Oh...and...women are VERY visual. Keep that in mind, and don't let it keep you up at night ( not that way )...worrying.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 25, 2009)

It is all about keeping his dick hard. 

That is what my life has become. A quest to keep his dick hard. Only, not really so much. Not really so much at all.

I am what I am. If that's not good enough for my husband, he's free to search elsewhere ... after, that is, the issue of HALF is settled. Plus our child. And the house. And, he knows it. And if it ain't me he's thinking of while we're gettin' bizzy with each other, he at least has the common sense and the inherent good grace to keep his ever flippin' mouth shut about it. As I do, when sometimes I'm yearning for Legalos and his long, blonde locks and beautiful, youthful face and lean, fit body. And damn. That elfin outfit. Those tights 

I don't understand why we have to keep having these angst-ridden conversations. Guys: You don't like what (forget about who) you're fucking? Do her a favor and move on. She'll find someone who is. Ladies: If he ain't into you, invest in a good vibrator while you're shopping around. Believe me, if he's been making a supreme effort to keep himself aroused while 'making love' to you ... that vibrator is going to feel pretty ... damn ... wonderful.


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## Mies (Aug 25, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> It is all about keeping his dick hard.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Littleghost (Aug 25, 2009)

mossystate said:


> I was a lil tired when I posted last night. I meant my snark. My point was.......while people might go to a fantasy every now and then, while having sex with their partner....DON'T BE FUCKING SOMEONE OUTSIDE YOUR FLIPPIN' ' COMFORT ZONE ' TO BEGIN WITH.
> 
> Men might now and then think about other women. Women might now and then think about other men. If you are thinking that it is some noble act to tell some dude the tricks of keeping his dick hard with a woman he is not attracted to...then I will cook up a huge, heaping, helping of snark for you. Just let me get some lunch.
> 
> Oh...and...women are VERY visual. Keep that in mind, and don't let it keep you up at night ( not that way )...worrying.



So then his original assessment of your comments was in fact correct, and the wishy-washy sarcastic innocence would in no way ever muddy the water and turn some off from your charm. <---- see? sarcasm is super fun when self-indulgent


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 25, 2009)

Mies said:


> Why do you speak so harshly about your husband? This isn't the first time that I've noticed this. If your marriage was to end, is it really just about splitting the goods?



This isn't about my husband, at all. He is, as a complete aside, a genuinely decent man and I love him with all of my heart. My husband doesn't objectify me. He doesn't moan and piss about what he doesn't have ... i.e., a fat body to worship. Instead, he's adjusted to the reality of what I am, and he's been more than able to integrate it with who I am. If he were as shallow as what I've seen on display here, I'd leave him in a heartbeat and yes, you bet, it would be about dividing the assets. I deserve better, and I bloody well know it.


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## mossystate (Aug 25, 2009)

Littleghost said:


> So then his original assessment of your comments was in fact correct, and the wishy-washy sarcastic innocence would in no way ever muddy the water and turn some off from your charm. <---- see? sarcasm is super fun when self-indulgent




There was no " wishy-washy innocence " on my part. Dude. Really. I was being sarcastic from the get-go. The bullshit of what he going on about, got the obvious snark from me. Wait for it......................................


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## Mies (Aug 25, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> Instead, he's adjusted to the reality of what I am, and he's been more than able to integrate it with who I am. If he were as shallow as what I've seen on display here, I'd leave him in a heartbeat and yes, you bet, it would be about dividing the assets. I deserve better, and I bloody well know it.



So, you're saying that you would not be able to adjust and integrate as he has?


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## Littleghost (Aug 25, 2009)

mossystate said:


> There was no " wishy-washy innocence " on my part. Dude. Really. I was being sarcastic from the get-go. The bullshit of what he going on about, got the obvious snark from me. Wait for it......................................



I really need to just go with my instincts and leave easily misinterpretable crap like wishy-washy out. Oh well, I knew not going into mass communication was a good idea at least.


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## mossystate (Aug 25, 2009)

Littleghost said:


> I really need to just go with my instincts and leave easily misinterpretable crap like wishy-washy out. Oh well, I knew not going into mass communication was a good idea at least.



:eat2:......


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 25, 2009)

Mies said:


> So, you're saying that you would not be able to adjust and integrate as he has?



No, I wouldn't be able to adjust and integrate to shallow and self-serving. Shouldn't that be ... astoundingly ... obvious?


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## superodalisque (Aug 25, 2009)

i've always found this an odd conundrum in dimsville. see, i think objectification is when someone's body is approached as if it is totally disembodied from a person and there is no consideration for who the person is or whether you like them at all or not. its 100% about body parts only.

attraction on the other hand is a natural thing. its the thing that intially gets us to consider another person as a partner.it makes us want to know more. after all, there are soooo many people in the world. how are we to chose the one to delve into for ourselves? so being attracted to someone isn't an evil thing.

i think the problem is that a lot of people confuse sexual arousal with love. you can like even have great affection for someone and be sexually aroused by them and not be in love. personally, i really believe that if you are with someone and if its truly love you don't feel like leaving simply because their weight changes. i think thats when someone needs to look at what they are really talking about. it might just be fetish. not there there is anything evil about it. a physical psycho sexual attachment is what it is. people have them and it doesn't make them bad. it can be hurtful though if it ends up with you lying to yourself and/or partner. but i think its a mistake to think its love. sometimes it can be love in conjunction with fetish. but then again sometimes its not. and for some people who or inexperienced or have other issues clouding things over it might be hard to tell the difference. 

ultimately its the person who is the object of the attachment who has to think about it and assess it. do i really want these conditions on my relationship? longterm can i maintain my self worth under these kinds of conditions? for a lot of people male or female who need to maintian a distinct physical characteristic in order to be loved(?) it might not be something that they find really fulfilling longterm. even if there is some genuine love under there, you might always have the sneaking suspicion that the love aspect of the relationship might not be the most important thing to your partner. you might even feel disposable. i think a lot of people male/female, bbw/fa, might find that difficult to deal with. 

i know it might seem perfectly natural to an FA who feels its a requirement for him to have a bbw. i can respect that. it is what it is for him and he has to be honest about that. there is enough lying going on anyway and i applaud people for telling the truth so that a bbw knows exactly what she is dealing with and can decide for herself. but if i turned the question around and said that i as a bbw required a man who was always in perfect physical condition (meaning highly muscular and fit) and always has all of his hair and if he failed i wouldn't desire him anymore even though i loved him... ? also, i would probably go elsewhere if sexual desire was gone. as an FA really out for love could you tell me how would you react to that? would you dump me like a hot rock? could you feel secure and happy in the knowledge and go merrily along your way? what would happen to your feelings of self worth if you began changing and you felt the difference in attraction? what if the bbw began looking at other men and maybe proposing that she go and satiate her sexual interests with someone else as often occurs in the bbw community? would you be able to make concessons like that in a love relationship? i'm not asking this in a combative way. i would really like to know your feelings about that because it interests me. and don't feel as though you have to tailor your answers to what might seem fair. just tell the truth because i (and i'm sure a lot of bbws) really woud like to understand how this plays itself out in your mind. i am well aware that sometimes the truth is not always what we feel it should be or might want it to be. i won't villify you for telling the truth. you can PM me if you don't want to respond here because i really want to know.


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## Mies (Aug 25, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> No, I wouldn't be able to adjust and integrate to shallow and self-serving. Shouldn't that be ... astoundingly ... obvious?



INDEED....


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 25, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i am well aware that sometimes the truth is not always what we feel it should be or might want it to be. i won't villify you for telling the truth.



superd, a superlative post. You've expressed exactly what I've (in an increasingly frustrated effort) been trying to convey, and you managed to do it with grace.

I agree ... a man who *requires* a fat or very fat woman (or any size or type of woman at all) as a condition of having a romantic & sexual relationship is probably not in love with that woman ... at least, not in a way that is going to be meaningful to her. A man who strongly prefers a particular physical attribute can find ways to adjust, without making his partner feel that he's settling. 

I don't think that there's anything inherently evil about the former, either (the man who requires a particular attribute) ... what I *do* think is wrong is when that man can't be honest with his partner & sometimes, can't even be honest with himself. That can cause a lot of harm, all the way around.


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## superodalisque (Aug 25, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> superd, a superlative post. You've expressed exactly what I've (in an increasingly frustrated effort) been trying to convey, and you managed to do it with grace.
> 
> I agree ... a man who *requires* a fat or very fat woman (or any size or type of woman at all) as a condition of having a romantic & sexual relationship is probably not in love with that woman ... at least, not in a way that is going to be meaningful to her. A man who strongly prefers a particular physical attribute can find ways to adjust, without making his partner feel that he's settling.
> 
> I don't think that there's anything inherently evil about the former, either (the man who requires a particular attribute) ... what I *do* think is wrong is when that man can't be honest with his partner & sometimes, can't even be honest with himself. That can cause a lot of harm, all the way around.




yes its only fair to tell her the truth so that she can chose to deal with it if she wants to. thats the important part. we might not be able to change who were really are but we don't need to hurt anybody with it.


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## superodalisque (Aug 25, 2009)

mossystate said:


> I was a lil tired when I posted last night. I meant my snark. My point was.......while people might go to a fantasy every now and then, while having sex with their partner....DON'T BE FUCKING SOMEONE OUTSIDE YOUR FLIPPIN' ' COMFORT ZONE ' TO BEGIN WITH.
> 
> Men might now and then think about other women. Women might now and then think about other men. If you are thinking that it is some noble act to tell some dude the tricks of keeping his dick hard with a woman he is not attracted to...then I will cook up a huge, heaping, helping of snark for you. Just let me get some lunch.
> 
> Oh...and...women are VERY visual. Keep that in mind, and don't let it keep you up at night ( not that way )...worrying.



some good points here but how does a person know where their comfort zone is without having different experiences?


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## Tad (Aug 25, 2009)

I think liking, loving, and lusting can all be triggered by different things within one person. Liking is probably the most 'logical' of them all, and maybe the most dynamic--how someone treats you over time will usually change how much you like them.

Love can be a bit crazy, but ultimately makes some sort of sense if you look deep enough. We can fall into and out of love, and how the other person treats us surely affects that, but sometimes how love reacts to certain behavior is not at all obvious.

I think that sometimes lust is the least explainable of them all, as we all seem to lust for what we lust for, and often cannot explain why that is what we lust for. At the same time, in some ways it is the most constant, what sort of thing we lust for seems to generally not change a whole lot, although whether a particular person triggers that lust might change.

The impression I've gathered over the years is that for men, lust is farther separated from love than it is for women. That is, I get the impression that women are more apt to lust for someone because they love them, while men seem to have less of a linkage there. I have no data to back that up, just what I've gathered from hearing from various men and women over the years. I think this is one of those things that just is the way it is, there is no 'you should be more this way or that way,' it is just the way that we happen to be. 

Note that I don't think this means men can't form lifelong monogamous and sexually active partnerships, no matter how their general lust for their partner varies over time. Most guys can find ways to muster up some lust if they put their will to it! Just as many women do when their libidos are going through lower cycles.


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## tonynyc (Aug 25, 2009)

Smushygirl said:


> Let's see if I can help you all to understand. Of course, I may be off base, and Miss Mossy can clarify.
> 
> On the surface, this seems like a good thing to say. It seems as if you are in the moment with your partner, trying things that are exciting to you both, to ratchet up the excitement so that you can maintain your erection with someone who may be out of your "normal" type. Nothing wrong with that, seems great even, hence:
> 
> ...



*
Smushy: :wubu: You are a BBW of many talents - I guess I can now add Linguistic Master We can now call you Dr. Smushy :happy: 
* :bow:


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## katorade (Aug 25, 2009)

Mies said:


> So, you're saying that you would not be able to adjust and integrate as he has?



Adjust and integrate to what? Sorry, but EVERYONE has to adjust and integrate to body changes, no matter what they are. We get old, you know. We don't just get fat and skinny. 
To any man to which it applies that views it as "adjusting and integrating", I invite you to have fun telling the 25 year-old BBWs that visually fit your current perfect woman image to adjust and integrate into liking your saggy old 65 year-old body when the time comes. Ain't happenin', peaches. Might as well get used to having to deal with change _now_ while you still got it.


I think the best solution for the OP's issue is prevention. I just simply do not get involved with men that love my body and appreciate me. I get involved with men who love me and appreciate my body.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 25, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i've always found this an odd conundrum in dimsville. see, i think objectification is when someone's body is approached as if it is totally disembodied from a person and there is no consideration for who the person is or whether you like them at all or not. its 100% about body parts only.
> 
> attraction on the other hand is a natural thing. its the thing that intially gets us to consider another person as a partner.it makes us want to know more. after all, there are soooo many people in the world. how are we to chose the one to delve into for ourselves? so being attracted to someone isn't an evil thing.
> 
> ...



Excellent post, points and perspective :bow:



katorade said:


> Adjust and integrate to what? Sorry, but EVERYONE has to adjust and integrate to body changes, no matter what they are. We get old, you know. We don't just get fat and skinny.
> To any man to which it applies that views it as "adjusting and integrating", I invite you to have fun telling the 25 year-old BBWs that visually fit your current perfect woman image to adjust and integrate into liking your saggy old 65 year-old body when the time comes. Ain't happenin', peaches. Might as well get used to having to deal with change _now_ while you still got it.
> 
> 
> I think the best solution for the OP's issue is prevention. I just simply do not get involved with men that love my body and appreciate me. I get involved with men who love me and appreciate my body.



I just fell madly in love with you...you had me at those last two sentences. :wubu:



tonynyc said:


> *
> Smushy: :wubu: You are a BBW of many talents - I guess I can now add Linguistic Master We can now call you Dr. Smushy :happy:
> * :bow:



Yes, I already proclaimed my weird, unflinching obsessive love for her in PM....but I suppose it's time to shout it from the roof tops.....:smitten: :kiss2:


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## bdog (Aug 26, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i think the problem is that a lot of people confuse sexual arousal with love. you can like even have great affection for someone and be sexually aroused by them and not be in love.



I think the opposite scenario is the half that gets overlooked in this discussion.

The problem (at least for me) hasn't been that I become infatuated with BBWs and only care about their bodies. The problem has been that my heart falls for a person regardless of body type but then I find myself in love but not necessarily in lust. But love and lust aren't off/on switches, they vary in degree and quality, and I really appreciate that your post allows space for this.

Also, as much as some of the women here might be upset with men who might date outside their "comfort zone", the women in my life haven't been upset with me. I'm always clear about my preferences from the beginning, and try to steer things in the friend zone. But, you know, sometimes i really want to kiss a curvy (not bbw) girl, and sometimes they really want to kiss me, and if a little heartbreak is the price to pay for becoming really close with an ill-fated lover, then so be it, so long as both parties know the risks. This particular example and myself are good friends and care a lot for each other, and neither of us regrets our actions. She doesn't consider me shallow. (she's also a therapist... so one could and should presume her values and self esteem are just fine)



superodalisque said:


> but if i turned the question around and said that i as a bbw required a man who was always in perfect physical condition (meaning highly muscular and fit) and always has all of his hair and if he failed i wouldn't desire him anymore even though i loved him... ?



Hmm... I take it as a given that my lover's attraction for me will vary over time. I also take it as a given that she wouldn't mind if I grew an inch, in just about any direction. I also take it as a given that she fantasizes about other men when I'm not around. I know she uses her "female prowess" around men other than me. While in a relationship with me other men have picked up the check for her, and she has looked pretty for them. And these things bothered me to an extent. My jealousy has been aroused. My insecurities have been tickled. Conversations have been had. But in the end am I ok with it all? Yes. 

My lover does like fit men. She told me that from the beginning. She's also seen old pictures of me (with a crazy long beard) and said she's not attracted to that person. This, of course, was met with some arguing from me. "Come on... it's still the same cute face under all that hair. The same charm... humor... sparkling eyes." And she was pretty adamant that she's not attracted to that person. And really, what's the use of arguing? I stay in shape, keep my hair relatively short. If it made me very unhappy to do these things I wouldn't do them. 

In the end, she's a person trying to be happy and fulfilled. And I'm a person trying to be happy and fulfilled. As difficult as it is, we both try not to tell the other person how they should find their happiness and fulfillment.
And it's been very difficult at times. But the reward for our honesty is a genuine respect for the real person, and not the imagined one.


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## bdog (Aug 26, 2009)

mossystate said:


> There was no " wishy-washy innocence " on my part. Dude. Really. I was being sarcastic from the get-go. The bullshit of what he going on about, got the obvious snark from me. Wait for it......................................



Hmm... Life's just not that simple. Like sometimes I haven't been too horny so I'll fantasize in order to please my lover. And when I get closer to climaxing I'll return all my attentions to the person I'm with, and I feel much better that way. But if I didn't fantasize I probably wouldn't be able to climax with her. And if I were being truly selfish I might just be sleeping the whole time. 

Is it the right decision? Maybe not. But I'm not an asshole for trying. Lovemaking happens spontaneously... you don't always have time to figure out the very best course of action.

So I didn't know if you were being snarky... cuz in some ways it's just pragmatic. Because until we find the one special person who will love us unconditionally for the rest of our life, through THICK and thin, we have to accept everyone else. And if we have to accept everyone else, why not just go ahead and love them, imperfect as they are.


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## Mies (Aug 26, 2009)

katorade said:


> Adjust and integrate to what? Sorry, but EVERYONE has to adjust and integrate to body changes, no matter what they are. We get old, you know. We don't just get fat and skinny.
> To any man to which it applies that views it as "adjusting and integrating", I invite you to have fun telling the 25 year-old BBWs that visually fit your current perfect woman image to adjust and integrate into liking your saggy old 65 year-old body when the time comes. Ain't happenin', peaches. Might as well get used to having to deal with change _now_ while you still got it.
> 
> 
> I think the best solution for the OP's issue is prevention. I just simply do not get involved with men that love my body and appreciate me. I get involved with men who love me and appreciate my body.




I don't get what you're saying here. I was asking if TraciJo would be able to adjust to and integrate her husband's idiosyncracies, as she credits him for adjusting to hers, quoting her here: "Instead, he's adjusted to the reality of what I am, and he's been more than able to integrate it with who I am." She replied by saying that she would not be able to adjust and integrate to certain things. Those were all her words, not mine. But thanks for the lecture anyway.


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## msbard90 (Aug 26, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i've always found this an odd conundrum in dimsville. see, i think objectification is when someone's body is approached as if it is totally disembodied from a person and there is no consideration for who the person is or whether you like them at all or not. its 100% about body parts only.
> 
> attraction on the other hand is a natural thing. its the thing that intially gets us to consider another person as a partner.it makes us want to know more. after all, there are soooo many people in the world. how are we to chose the one to delve into for ourselves? so being attracted to someone isn't an evil thing.
> 
> ...



I'm gonna give off a bbw perspective here. Quick and simple. If a guy is all about PM'ing me telling me about my nice ass, boobs, whatnot, it is truly flattering, but it isn't relationship material. IMO, if someone's looking for a relationship, they aren't going to tell you right off the bat "ooh you's a juicy baby...etc". Us ladies know that's not relationship material- come on! And just because we are BBW, doesn't mean that we want someone who's a flat out FA. IMO, if I had someone following me around worshipping my body all day, I'd be a little creeped out.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 26, 2009)

Mies said:


> I don't get what you're saying here. I was asking if TraciJo would be able to adjust to and integrate her husband's idiosyncracies, as she credits him for adjusting to hers, quoting her here: "Instead, he's adjusted to the reality of what I am, and he's been more than able to integrate it with who I am." She replied by saying that she would not be able to adjust and integrate to certain things. Those were all her words, not mine. But thanks for the lecture anyway.



Mies, I'm not a doormat, nor would I tolerate a relationship with someone who has what *I* view to be massive character flaws. I can, happily have, and will continue to adjust to the physical changes that have happened with my hubby as he's aged (he's still a fine specimen, anyway), and there's no 'settling' going on for either of us. I would not adjust to shallow, self-involved, or being treated as an object to satisfy a fetish. Note: I am not suggesting that FA attraction to fat women is a fetish, but the overriding NEED to be with a fat woman to the extent that he'd be unable to perform if I wasn't fat, all else being equal ... that, in my mind, is a fetish. Disclaimer: I'm talking about people who are committed to each other, emotionally invested, and claim to love each other when referring to 'all else being equal'.

I am approaching this issue from the perspective of someone who has been married for 15+ years, and prior to marriage, in a 6-year committed relationship with my husband. To me, overwhelming physical attraction and intense desire and romantic notions of being "in love" are the very heady, very exciting stages of a new-ish relationship. And IMO, the beginning stages of a relationship are the times when people should be negotiating what they need, what they can/can't live without, what they expect from that relationship. I think that most of them end (as they should) when one partner can't be what the other is looking for. The tragedy is when one or both are incapable of honesty with self and/or each other ... much is vested in the relationship (merged lives, finances, children) ... and then years later, at great emotional cost, they "discover" that they didn't know each other at all. I lump the people with non-negotiable physical or material preferences into this category. Sad thing is, people will and do change, and nobody ... NOBODY ... should be held to an impossible standard. IMO, if you _need_ a very fat woman, then you shouldn't be in a long-term committed relationship. Note again: No judgment here with regard to the preference. I reserve judgment for men who come to this forum and whine non-stop about how the wife lost weight or had WLS and now, he can't get it up anymore and she's changed (yeah, how she looks) and he can't stop obsessing over the numbers on the scale and how they're shrinking and blah blah blah and it's never his fault, either. It's always about HER and about how SHE didn't live up to her end of the 'bargain' (which she probably didn't even realize was an issue on the table; if she had, she'd probably have turned and run, not walked, away from the guy in question).


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 26, 2009)

I'm on my lunchbreak so I'm in a hurry- if you need me to come back later and re-iterate on anything, just let me know 



bdog said:


> The problem (at least for me) hasn't been that I become infatuated with BBWs and only care about their bodies. The problem has been that my heart falls for a person regardless of body type but then I find myself in love but not necessarily in lust. But love and lust aren't off/on switches, they vary in degree and quality, and I really appreciate that your post allows space for this.
> *
> Also, as much as some of the women here might be upset with men who might date outside their "comfort zone", the women in my life haven't been upset with me. * I'm always clear about my preferences from the beginning, and try to steer things in the friend zone. But, you know, sometimes i really want to kiss a curvy (not bbw) girl, and sometimes they really want to kiss me, and if a little heartbreak is the price to pay for becoming really close with an ill-fated lover, then so be it, so long as both parties know the risks. This particular example and myself are good friends and care a lot for each other, and neither of us regrets our actions. She doesn't consider me shallow. (she's also a therapist... so one could and should presume her values and self esteem are just fine)



I think I understand what you mean.....because it's happened to me, as well. Not all men I have dated in the past have knocked me over with their looks. It's acceptable, okay, whatever to date people that you don't find 100% physically attractive. Actually, I have found it's easier to get close to those kind of men because.....they are my friends first. I trust them more/easier and as we grow closer, they BECOME more physically attractive in my eyes. 
The idea of kissing, holding, hugging (and yeah I'll say screwing) is easier in my mind's eye when I have feelings for them. 
Is that what happens to you?

That doesn't mean that I don't notice another guy of physical beauty....however, if I COMMITTED to the "less attractive" guy, then it's not okay to say I will stray with any guy I deem more physically attractive. 
It's NOT okay to make a COMMITMENT to a guy I do find to be the bomb, and, as we grow older, different together.....decide to screw around or dump him for someone I think is better looking. 
What if he gains a lot of weight.....does that make it okay for me to find a lover on the side? What, to use SuperO's example, goes bald? Should I dump him? 
Marriage, LTRs....even just promises.....most people need to know ahead of time if there are conditionss or dealbreakers....such as a man saying that he will leave her if she doesn't always weight XYZ. 
The commitment changes everything.......I think you might understand what I mean. 




bdog said:


> Hmm... I take it as a given that my lover's attraction for me will vary over time. I also take it as a given that she wouldn't mind if I grew an inch, in just about any direction. I also take it as a given that she fantasizes about other men when I'm not around. I know she uses her "female prowess" around men other than me. While in a relationship with me other men have picked up the check for her, and she has looked pretty for them. And these things bothered me to an extent. My jealousy has been aroused. My insecurities have been tickled. Conversations have been had. But in the end am I ok with it all? Yes.
> 
> My lover does like fit men. She told me that from the beginning. She's also seen old pictures of me (with a crazy long beard) and said she's not attracted to that person. This, of course, was met with some arguing from me. "Come on... it's still the same cute face under all that hair. The same charm... humor... sparkling eyes." And she was pretty adamant that she's not attracted to that person. And really, what's the use of arguing? *I stay in shape, keep my hair relatively short. If it made me very unhappy to do these things I wouldn't do them.
> *



But....reading your post, I took the implication to be that she won't want to be with you if you looked "different". Would that be part of your decision making if you were to marry this woman? What if you LOST your hair?


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## Mies (Aug 26, 2009)

TraciJo, thanks for the calm and enlightening response. I share most of your views, although I would rather not be as quick and glib about the consequences of failing to "adjust and integrate".

That last post of mine wasn't in response to you, it was actually addressed to katorade. She seems to have an issue with your idea of "adjusting and integrating", something which I understand quite well after 22 years of marriage. I don't know why she didn't address that to you rather than turn it into an attack on men (or just me, it's hard to tell). Sadly, that seems to be the normal routine here at Dims.

My wife and I had a problem with "adjusting and integrating", went to marriage counseling, learned how to adjust and integrate, and saved our marriage, thank goodness. From what I read here, it doesn't seem that everyone feels it's worth the effort.


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 26, 2009)

Mies said:


> TraciJo, thanks for the calm and enlightening response. I share most of your views, although I would rather not be as quick and glib about the consequences of failing to "adjust and integrate".



I have the luxury of quick & glib expression, because I know that the scenario I painted isn't my reality. I would be emotionally shattered, if I found out today that the man I've loved for 21+ years felt that he'd 'settled' for me, or that he was closing his eyes and fantasizing about Queen Latifah most of the time while making love to me, or if he just flat-out said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I would still be righteously indignant, and despite the knowledge that I'd grieve and mourn the loss of our relationship, I'd also know that eventually, I'd be OK. That, maybe, is where the 'glib' is coming from. 



> That last post of mine wasn't in response to you, it was actually addressed to katorade. She seems to have an issue with your idea of "adjusting and integrating", something which I understand quite well after 22 years of marriage. I don't know why she didn't address that to you rather than turn it into an attack on men (or just me, it's hard to tell). Sadly, that seems to be the normal routine here at Dims.



I think she may have been assuming what I assumed, which is that you were comparing my inability (unwillingness) to adjust and integrate to character flaws with someone's inability to adjust to a new physical reality for his/her partner.



> My wife and I had a problem with "adjusting and integrating", went to marriage counseling, learned how to adjust and integrate, and saved our marriage, thank goodness. From what I read here, it doesn't seem that everyone feels it's worth the effort.



Speaking as another long-term married person, I congratulate you, coz I know how difficult it can be to hit those double digits (anniversary wise ). To me the most challenging thing has been the unexpected reality that sometimes, we *don't* mesh and we don't get along well and sometimes, we don't even like each other very much. I once believed that we'd always be happy with each other, and that any indication of unrest or boredom or marital strife was a red flag that the relationship was in trouble. I now picture it something like this: A few years ago, we went on a holiday at an ocean-side resort and for the first time in my life, I got to wade out into the ocean on a windy day and feel the waves crash over me. It was a little bit scary but mostly exhilarating as I stood there and waited for the next surge. That's our marriage: Periods of stagnation, and periods of joy and excitement, and mostly just the reassuring calm of everything that's in between.


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## superodalisque (Aug 26, 2009)

msbard90 said:


> I'm gonna give off a bbw perspective here. Quick and simple. If a guy is all about PM'ing me telling me about my nice ass, boobs, whatnot, it is truly flattering, but it isn't relationship material. IMO, if someone's looking for a relationship, they aren't going to tell you right off the bat "ooh you's a juicy baby...etc". Us ladies know that's not relationship material- come on! And just because we are BBW, doesn't mean that we want someone who's a flat out FA. IMO, if I had someone following me around worshipping my body all day, I'd be a little creeped out.



yes sometimes i wonder if we are being completely genuine if we engage seriously with guys on this level even though we know we are interested in more than just a sexual experience. i agree that when a guy is talking this way to a woman up front that she should know exactly what he is out for. do you think that sometimes bbws like other women are always trying to change men and ignore it when they tell them outright who they really are and what they are really want? i wonder why we even waste our time getting so upset about it. maybe we worry too much about people who just aren't our types in the first place and not enough about moving forward and finding a guy who is our type. if we are self possessed why should it matter if some guy tries to objectify us if we aren't playing into his hands, if that isn't what we want. dont we have some responsibility in what happens between ourselves and some guy? we do have a choice don't we?


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## katorade (Aug 26, 2009)

Mies said:


> TraciJo, thanks for the calm and enlightening response. I share most of your views, although I would rather not be as quick and glib about the consequences of failing to "adjust and integrate".
> 
> That last post of mine wasn't in response to you, it was actually addressed to katorade. She seems to have an issue with your idea of "adjusting and integrating", something which I understand quite well after 22 years of marriage. I don't know why she didn't address that to you rather than turn it into an attack on men (or just me, it's hard to tell). Sadly, that seems to be the normal routine here at Dims.
> 
> My wife and I had a problem with "adjusting and integrating", went to marriage counseling, learned how to adjust and integrate, and saved our marriage, thank goodness. From what I read here, it doesn't seem that everyone feels it's worth the effort.




No, I seem to have an issue with the comparison of someone not putting up with a destructive personality to someone not putting up with physical changes in their partner. News flash: You have absolutely 0% chance of your partner NOT changing. You CAN however, work on not being a jerk.

And please, don't suspect that I'm just a man-hater. I just call 'em how I see 'em, equal opportunity.


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## msbard90 (Aug 27, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> yes sometimes i wonder if we are being completely genuine if we engage seriously with guys on this level even though we know we are interested in more than just a sexual experience. i agree that when a guy is talking this way to a woman up front that she should know exactly what he is out for. do you think that sometimes bbws like other women are always trying to change men and ignore it when they tell them outright who they really are and what they are really want? i wonder why we even waste our time getting so upset about it. maybe we worry too much about people who just aren't our types in the first place and not enough about moving forward and finding a guy who is our type. if we are self possessed why should it matter if some guy tries to objectify us if we aren't playing into his hands, if that isn't what we want. dont we have some responsibility in what happens between ourselves and some guy? we do have a choice don't we?



Of course, we can choose our own destiny. However, for many of us it takes years and years to realize that we are in control of our own actions, we cannot change the ways of others, and we have to learn to weed out the losers from the winners. I know I'm only 19, had only 2 boyfriends, and probably no nothing of the dating world, but those 2 relationships lasted very long. The first was 2 years, and this one I'm in currently is going on 3 years. I have seen my mom get abused from my father. She tried to see past his abusive ways, tried to change him, etc... It obviously didn't work. I see the same pattern emerging with my sisters. They are definitely beautiful and smart and deserve so much more, but don't realize that they can be the ultimate deciding factor whether a relationship works or not. I realize this. I know I am in control of my actions. I know what I want in a guy. I know when guys are looking for ass, when they're trying to hurt your feelings to bring themselves up. I know that guys feed off of girls that are not confident. They want that power. It freaks a guy out to not have that power over a girl. And there are all too many of us (not just on dims, its in reall life too) that are more than desperate to find that true love, and we try to settle and change what has been handed to us, unwilling to find a true match and giving up, or simply just not knowing that there are better people out there. So there we have it, when we get desperate for that love and affection, so much so that we will stoop down to any level to get it- whether that means accepting the derrogatory comments from men, _because it's what we feel we deserve_. We hope these men are much more than what meets the eye, but we are soon deceived. There are a lot of guys out there for the ass. There are a lot of guys who are legit looking for a real and genuine relationship. But it is up to us ladies to stand up and realize that we don't have to settle for what we dont want, and stop ignoring the facts that men are presenting us when they blatantly hit on us inappropriately.


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## Mies (Aug 27, 2009)

katorade said:


> You CAN however, work on not being a jerk.



Geez, what did I ever do to you, lady?


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## katorade (Aug 27, 2009)

I wasn't referring to YOU specifically, I was referring to the general "you".


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## bdog (Aug 27, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I think I understand what you mean.....because it's happened to me, as well. Not all men I have dated in the past have knocked me over with their looks. It's acceptable, okay, whatever to date people that you don't find 100% physically attractive. Actually, I have found it's easier to get close to those kind of men because.....they are my friends first. I trust them more/easier and as we grow closer, they BECOME more physically attractive in my eyes.
> The idea of kissing, holding, hugging (and yeah I'll say screwing) is easier in my mind's eye when I have feelings for them.
> Is that what happens to you?



I think that's the female equivalent, which is pretty close but not identical. 
But yeah, that friendly lunch date that ends up being an entire afternoon of talking, followed by randomly going into a church because it's cold and they're offering free hot cocoa and cookies, which leads to a sweet moment sitting under pretty lights listening to a 13 year old play christmas songs, which is followed by a drink or two. I mean, come on, if you feel like kissing just kiss. I think it's ok to have cuddlers for those times when we don't have lovers... just gotta be honest about feelings and intentions.

So I think the difference is that while I'm pretty keen on kissing/dating girls who are cute and sweet and warm and available, going much further is a plus size only affair. It took me some years of learning about myself and society and conditioning to really realize and embrace the fact that I only go for BBWs. And now that I'm here it's like, "Hey... you should like me at any size!" :doh:    :blush:  



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> But....reading your post, I took the implication to be that she won't want to be with you if you looked "different". Would that be part of your decision making if you were to marry this woman? What if you LOST your hair?



Commitment changes everything. One day I might wake up and think, "The most important thing in my life is to stay with this person. Doesn't matter if she's fat. Doesn't matter if we're poor. And I know in my heart she feels the same about me." Then on that day I'll go buy a ring. But I don't think I'm going to get to that day without spending months or years with her. And really I'd prefer to marry a gal who is happy with her size and would probably only lose a significant amount of weight for health issues. Cuz why should a thin girl get to have me???


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## Mies (Aug 27, 2009)

katorade said:


> I wasn't referring to YOU specifically, I was referring to the general "you".




Oh yeah, I've heard that General You is the biggest jerk in the whole Chinese army!


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## superodalisque (Aug 27, 2009)

msbard90 said:


> Of course, we can choose our own destiny. However, for many of us it takes years and years to realize that we are in control of our own actions, we cannot change the ways of others, and we have to learn to weed out the losers from the winners. I know I'm only 19, had only 2 boyfriends, and probably no nothing of the dating world, but those 2 relationships lasted very long. The first was 2 years, and this one I'm in currently is going on 3 years. I have seen my mom get abused from my father. She tried to see past his abusive ways, tried to change him, etc... It obviously didn't work. I see the same pattern emerging with my sisters. They are definitely beautiful and smart and deserve so much more, but don't realize that they can be the ultimate deciding factor whether a relationship works or not. I realize this. I know I am in control of my actions. I know what I want in a guy. I know when guys are looking for ass, when they're trying to hurt your feelings to bring themselves up. I know that guys feed off of girls that are not confident. They want that power. It freaks a guy out to not have that power over a girl. And there are all too many of us (not just on dims, its in reall life too) that are more than desperate to find that true love, and we try to settle and change what has been handed to us, unwilling to find a true match and giving up, or simply just not knowing that there are better people out there. So there we have it, when we get desperate for that love and affection, so much so that we will stoop down to any level to get it- whether that means accepting the derrogatory comments from men, _because it's what we feel we deserve_. We hope these men are much more than what meets the eye, but we are soon deceived. There are a lot of guys out there for the ass. There are a lot of guys who are legit looking for a real and genuine relationship. But it is up to us ladies to stand up and realize that we don't have to settle for what we dont want, and stop ignoring the facts that men are presenting us when they blatantly hit on us inappropriately.



yeah it does take a while to figure that stuff out. as a dusty one of 45 thats kinda why i'm here i guess. just to say that as a youngester, like i once was, if you think you need to work on a guy for him not to be an asshole its a waste of time. your right, i know a lot of amazing women too who are just trying to change guys and waiting around on them to change. i've done it myself. but what i finally did realize is that the guy should just naturally be the kind of guy you want. that should be his usual personality whether he is with you or not. nobody ever really changes. they are what they are. once i finally got to the place where i could realize that in life things were a whole lot more relaxing for me. there are a whole lot of truly wonderful men out there. i think maybe our problem can be that if we see enough assholes they kind of block our vision when a good one finally comes by.


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## msbard90 (Aug 28, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> yeah it does take a while to figure that stuff out. as a dusty one of 45 thats kinda why i'm here i guess. just to say that as a youngester, like i once was, if you think you need to work on a guy for him not to be an asshole its a waste of time. your right, i know a lot of amazing women too who are just trying to change guys and waiting around on them to change. i've done it myself. but what i finally did realize is that the guy should just naturally be the kind of guy you want. that should be his usual personality whether he is with you or not. nobody ever really changes. they are what they are. once i finally got to the place where i could realize that in life things were a whole lot more relaxing for me. there are a whole lot of truly wonderful men out there. i think maybe our problem can be that if we see enough assholes they kind of block our vision when a good one finally comes by.



I think that we give up too easy by trying to "train" our boyfriends, but it would just probably be much easier to look for mr. right.


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Aug 29, 2009)

msbard90 said:


> And just because we are BBW, doesn't mean that we want someone who's a flat out FA.



I'm having some difficulty understanding your post. What do you mean when you use the term "flat out FA"?


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## collared Princess (Aug 29, 2009)

I think that if for some reason I lost weight (not on my own intentions) but for some unknown reason I know that my partner would be not as attracted to me, however what I would do is I would say oh I think IM gaining a few pounds or look my belly is comming back..Id still want to give that spark so Id play with him and the illusion or the suggestion can be as erotic as the real thing..I would feed his fantasy


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## collared Princess (Aug 29, 2009)

Fuzzy Necromancer said:


> I'm having some difficulty understanding your post. What do you mean when you use the term "flat out FA"?



IM Thankful for the flat out F.A....!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Fascinita (Aug 29, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> yes...a man making everything about his penis and less about the woman he desires is objectifying, IMO.
> A guy that just wants to ask me questions about my weight, size, etc and has ZILCH interest in knowing anything else about me is objectifying...and his questions aren't even really about me....but how well *he* will be satisfied.
> There are other factors involved that go beyond feeling physically attracted to someone....and only caring about yourself when dealing with others is not a good way to treat other people.
> I believe that is one of the things that takes it to the level of objectifying another human being.



"You must spread some reputation around before..." :bow:


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## Fascinita (Aug 29, 2009)

Smushygirl said:


> s as if you are in the moment with your partner, trying things that are exciting to you both, to ratchet up the excitement so that you can maintain your erection with someone who may be out of your "normal" type. Nothing wrong with that, seems great even, hence: ...
> 
> Male truth spoils the moment. Women would probably not think to fuck someone they weren't slightly attracted to, and then to be able to get off, think about man to whom they were really attracted. I could be wrong here, but it has been my experience to work with what about my partner is sexy.



Yes. Although, in the interest of enlightening a few wrong-headed minds: 

Guys, when a woman sleeps with you, she isn't always thinking, "God! This is the best damned dick I've ever had! What can I do to keep HIM around?!"

Sometimes women are underwhelmed, too.

Of course, there are some awesome, considerate men who make great, giving lovers who wouldn't dream of pacing themselves mechanically through sex at any cost just because they want to get off.

Just sayin', Breadcrumb.


And ONE MORE THING...

Don't we have better things to talk about than male genital pleasure already? 

Who cares if you can't get it up for this or that type of girl?

Honestly, your performance anxieties are not that interesting, fellas.


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## mossystate (Aug 29, 2009)

Her being fat is not all that is needed for both involved?


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## msbard90 (Aug 30, 2009)

Fuzzy Necromancer said:


> I'm having some difficulty understanding your post. What do you mean when you use the term "flat out FA"?



sorry for the crappy way that i write. I write similar to the way I speak in person, especially informally. It's probably something we say a lot in CT? But by "flat out FA" i mean an FA who seems to be weight obsessed, and there's nothing multi-dimensional about their portrayed personality. IDK if that cleared up anything.... sorry


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## nykspree8 (Aug 30, 2009)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, but physical attraction is what attracts you to someone at first and I think anyone could be physically attractive to someone else. Would I objectify someone I'm with because I find her body to be simply irresistible and sexy? Why not? And I think someone who is being objectified would only find that to be wrong, if 1. the person objectifying only saw them for their body, and nothing else, or 2. the objectified hates her/his body. I know I'm not a shallow person and see bbw/ssbbws for more than their big boobs, or big booty, or big belly, or luscious legs, and any and all other feature I love about em, but when it comes to sex or time for arousal to engage in sex, you better believe I'm enjoying all those damn bodily features I love on my mate to the fullest


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## Haunted (Aug 30, 2009)

Being able to get it up has zero to do why or if an FA objectifies his girl (I really don't understand how we ended up here) 

I think a large part of why we objectify BBW'S is because most of us as FA's have had to or at least felt like we had to repress our feelings and desires. Now that we have a forum where we can express ourselves or a woman in our lives that understand that we do indeed desire her, well then we end up letting all those past desires and thoughts come rushing out and that ends up appearing as If we objectify fat woman when in reality we are all probably just learning (some slower than others) how to control ourselves. And I think it really only appears to be objectification. when we fall in love with a woman who we do physically desire so strongly and men being the visual creatures we are, we tend to get a bit one track at times


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Aug 30, 2009)

msbard90 said:


> sorry for the crappy way that i write. I write similar to the way I speak in person, especially informally. It's probably something we say a lot in CT? But by "flat out FA" i mean an FA who seems to be weight obsessed, and there's nothing multi-dimensional about their portrayed personality. IDK if that cleared up anything.... sorry



Thanks, that does help.


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## katorade (Aug 30, 2009)

nykspree8 said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again, but physical attraction is what attracts you to someone at first and I think anyone could be physically attractive to someone else. *Would I objectify someone I'm with because I find her body to be simply irresistible and sexy? Why not? *And I think someone who is being objectified would only find that to be wrong, if 1. the person objectifying only saw them for their body, and nothing else, or 2. the objectified hates her/his body. I know I'm not a shallow person and see bbw/ssbbws for more than their big boobs, or big booty, or big belly, or luscious legs, and any and all other feature I love about em, but when it comes to sex or time for arousal to engage in sex, you better believe I'm enjoying all those damn bodily features I love on my mate to the fullest



Don't forget that not all women enjoy being leered at or lusted over by every man. A lot of the objectification on here does not happen between a woman and the man she is dating, but a woman and someone she doesn't know or has no desire to, and a lot of the comments are unwarranted and leave the recipient totally creeped out. 

Imagine how creepy it would be if you were a woman posting in the fashion forum, which is one of the more innocuous, benign boards on here, about trying to find a pretty bra that wasn't ill-fitting, and some wayward guy came in and said something like "I bet you look delicious with your breasts spilling out of the top of a bra." 
He might think that comment is okay because he spends too much time on the pay-site boards and has seen a woman revel in her muffin top, but it's important for him to know that that isn't proper behavior in *any* setting where sexuality is not a key factor. 

It makes you feel violated because that wasn't the kind of attention you were seeking. I don't really think you can call the desire a man has for a woman in a relationship objectification, because most of the time we ARE seeking appraisal and affection from our SOs, and enjoy the feeling of being their objects of desire. It's not unwarranted.


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## Mies (Aug 31, 2009)

After reading the BITCH magazine article on feederism, I'm starting to wonder about the feminist tendency to objectify women. Rather than being seen as complex and indepent beings with desires of their own, female feedees seem to be just another means to make a point about all of those evil menz out there.


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## collared Princess (Aug 31, 2009)

nykspree8 said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again, but physical attraction is what attracts you to someone at first and I think anyone could be physically attractive to someone else. Would I objectify someone I'm with because I find her body to be simply irresistible and sexy? Why not? And I think someone who is being objectified would only find that to be wrong, if 1. the person objectifying only saw them for their body, and nothing else, or 2. the objectified hates her/his body. I know I'm not a shallow person and see bbw/ssbbws for more than their big boobs, or big booty, or big belly, or luscious legs, and any and all other feature I love about em, but when it comes to sex or time for arousal to engage in sex, you better believe I'm enjoying all those damn bodily features I love on my mate to the fullest



I concur.. Objectify me PLEASE...for to many years Ive been around men who could careless about my body so hey if admireing my body is Objectifing let me be the first in line !!!!!!


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## collared Princess (Aug 31, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> Mies, I'm not a doormat, nor would I tolerate a relationship with someone who has what *I* view to be massive character flaws. I can, happily have, and will continue to adjust to the physical changes that have happened with my hubby as he's aged (he's still a fine specimen, anyway), and there's no 'settling' going on for either of us. I would not adjust to shallow, self-involved, or being treated as an object to satisfy a fetish. Note: I am not suggesting that FA attraction to fat women is a fetish, but the overriding NEED to be with a fat woman to the extent that he'd be unable to perform if I wasn't fat, all else being equal ... that, in my mind, is a fetish. Disclaimer: I'm talking about people who are committed to each other, emotionally invested, and claim to love each other when referring to 'all else being equal'.
> 
> I am approaching this issue from the perspective of someone who has been married for 15+ years, and prior to marriage, in a 6-year committed relationship with my husband. To me, overwhelming physical attraction and intense desire and romantic notions of being "in love" are the very heady, very exciting stages of a new-ish relationship. And IMO, the beginning stages of a relationship are the times when people should be negotiating what they need, what they can/can't live without, what they expect from that relationship. I think that most of them end (as they should) when one partner can't be what the other is looking for. The tragedy is when one or both are incapable of honesty with self and/or each other ... much is vested in the relationship (merged lives, finances, children) ... and then years later, at great emotional cost, they "discover" that they didn't know each other at all. I lump the people with non-negotiable physical or material preferences into this category. Sad thing is, people will and do change, and nobody ... NOBODY ... should be held to an impossible standard. IMO, if you _need_ a very fat woman, then you shouldn't be in a long-term committed relationship. Note again: No judgment here with regard to the preference. I reserve judgment for men who come to this forum and whine non-stop about how the wife lost weight or had WLS and now, he can't get it up anymore and she's changed (yeah, how she looks) and he can't stop obsessing over the numbers on the scale and how they're shrinking and blah blah blah and it's never his fault, either. It's always about HER and about how SHE didn't live up to her end of the 'bargain' (which she probably didn't even realize was an issue on the table; if she had, she'd probably have turned and run, not walked, away from the guy in question).



Well on the other end of it Im sure if you take a man who only likes thin women..I dont think they would be able to preform with a fat woman..I think they would not be very sexually excited at all..My boyfriend has a specific look that he looked for in a woman and if you were not that look then he wasnt interested in you for a mate..but the friendship card was on the table..He looked high and low for a woman with a very big belly that not only hung down but was rounded like a preg belly,had to be over 400 pounds..thats who he wanted to be with..thats who he wanted to spend his life with..He knew that if he looked for someone other than his desires that he wouldnt be happy..He finds all big women sexy but really did a fine tuned search for just exactly what he was looking for..NOw why did he want this..ok..lets examine that..when he was a little boy he lived in Sweden and was raised by a Swedish nanny while his real mother was in Finishing school and his dad was finishing up his degree in ministry..
His Swedish MOM (nanny) had a big belly and she treated him like he was the greatest thing in the world..They had a connection that was out of this world..so in the whole Phys sence he wanted a woman that very much resembled his Swedish mother who he loved dearly..that brings him very warm emotional security...so some times things are a lot bigger picture than what we think..sometimes its just best to leave things be let things ride and try and focus your energy's on just living and trying to make other people happy..Let the men desire who they like..let the women desire who they like..weather it be objectifing or just being picky or whatever it is...


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## TraciJo67 (Aug 31, 2009)

collared Princess said:


> Well on the other end of it Im sure if you take a man who only likes thin women..I dont think they would be able to preform with a fat woman..I think they would not be very sexually excited at all..My boyfriend has a specific look that he looked for in a woman and if you were not that look then he wasnt interested in you for a mate..but the friendship card was on the table..He looked high and low for a woman with a very big belly that not only hung down but was rounded like a preg belly,had to be over 400 pounds..thats who he wanted to be with..thats who he wanted to spend his life with..He knew that if he looked for someone other than his desires that he wouldnt be happy..He finds all big women sexy but really did a fine tuned search for just exactly what he was looking for..NOw why did he want this..ok..lets examine that..when he was a little boy he lived in Sweden and was raised by a Swedish nanny while his real mother was in Finishing school and his dad was finishing up his degree in ministry..
> His Swedish MOM (nanny) had a big belly and she treated him like he was the greatest thing in the world..They had a connection that was out of this world..so in the whole Phys sence he wanted a woman that very much resembled his Swedish mother who he loved dearly..that brings him very warm emotional security...so some times things are a lot bigger picture than what we think..sometimes its just best to leave things be let things ride and try and focus your energy's on just living and trying to make other people happy..Let the men desire who they like..let the women desire who they like..weather it be objectifing or just being picky or whatever it is...



OK, Collared Princess ... but what happens when he finds out that the woman he's chosen is actually nothing like his Swedish nanny? That, in fact, she just has a very large belly? 

I get that people want what they want, and I don't believe that anyone should ever ... ever ... settle. I'm just questioning, actually, what happens when someone with a very specific, very narrow physical preference (or need), finds that the person occupying that body has a mind, needs, and preferences of her own. This isn't specific to you at all, since I know nothing about you or your relationship. I'm just thinking out loud, really. 

I am curious, for those who do have a very specific preference -- do you have a difficult time finding someone to enjoy a relationship with?

I can only go by my own experience; I do have a definite attraction to tall, dark, lanky men ... but I don't require it. I've been attracted to short & chubby, and to pale, freckle-faced redheads. And although I'm not usually attracted to heavy men, I think that fat women can be pretty damn hot. What usually gets my attention, though, is intellect and a sharp wit. If I think that the mind is hot, I can usually find something very alluring in the physical packaging.


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## collared Princess (Aug 31, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> OK, Collared Princess ... but what happens when he finds out that the woman he's chosen is actually nothing like his Swedish nanny? That, in fact, she just has a very large belly?
> 
> I get that people want what they want, and I don't believe that anyone should ever ... ever ... settle. I'm just questioning, actually, what happens when someone with a very specific, very narrow physical preference (or need), finds that the person occupying that body has a mind, needs, and preferences of her own. This isn't specific to you at all, since I know nothing about you or your relationship. I'm just thinking out loud, really.
> 
> ...



Yeah I see what you are saying..I think that he checked that out right away though to see what kind of person I was..when he found out I was laid back and a good person the the belly looked even better..
However it was important for him to have a submissive woman so that was one of the first questions he asked me wether I was DOM/sub..Im just submissive by nature and very easy going laid back kind of a person..if I was DOM this belly wouldnt meen anything to him IM sure..if a man gets into a realtionship with a woman just on the way they look he maybe opening a great big can of worms..but I think men mostly do check out the personality of the woman after the intial physical attraction..that would be sensable..


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## bdog (Sep 1, 2009)

katorade said:


> Imagine how creepy it would be if you were a woman posting in the fashion forum, which is one of the more innocuous, benign boards on here, about trying to find a pretty bra that wasn't ill-fitting, and some wayward guy came in and said something like "I bet you look delicious with your breasts spilling out of the top of a bra."



pics please!!! thanks.


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## katorade (Sep 1, 2009)

If only you knew! Muahahaha!


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## Adrian (Sep 14, 2009)

FAs are men, with all assets and liabilities that come with a relationship with a man. There are so many men who would not be with a woman who is a BBW, it is no different than an FA not desiring a non-BBW.
Some FAs can love a women who is not a BBW and others can't. I can say from personal experience, I can love a MS-BBW but, I don't have the lust for her body like I do for a SSBBW!
Is this a form of objectifying a woman or person... yes. Welcome to the world of the fallibility of men.


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## Wagimawr (Sep 14, 2009)

Tendency?

More like an art form.

Abstract art.

Fuck I hate my gender.


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Sep 17, 2009)

Wagimawr, was that a reply or a an arrhythmic poetry exercise?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 17, 2009)

Fuzzy Necromancer said:


> Wagimawr, was that a reply or a an arrhythmic poetry exercise?



I thought it was haiku myself......


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