# Conditional Relationships*



## southernfa (Feb 4, 2008)

There are been a recurring theme on a couple of recent threads regarding the conditional impositions that some FAs place on relationships (must keep/gain weight or whatever).

Without wanting to undermine that line of inquiry; it occurs to me that it might be worth looking at the other side of the coin. Do BBWs place conditions or expectations on their partner in a relationship and if so, what sort, and what effect does this have in practice?

*Coincidentally, this is a technical term in my business. Just can't seem to get away from it.


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## mossystate (Feb 4, 2008)

I have had certain expectations when I have been in a relationship, but, none of them have been attached to my being a fat woman. I suppose if I think about it..from the angle of being fat...then I could only come up with such basics as requiring a man to be mindful of any ' issues ' and needs I might have..as a fat person...otherwise, my expectations come from a place of what I expect as just being human..hmmmmm. I suppose I will think about this some more, and will be interested to see if my mindset has changed at all, next time I drag a man back to my cave..


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## superodalisque (Feb 4, 2008)

oh good question! 

yes i have conditions but not physical ones. most of mine are emotional spiritual etc.. so physical issues are not a deal breaker to me. what i do seem to need is:

my big condition is that he should be somewhat ready for a similar kind or relationhip that i want. we have to kind of be in the same place. i don't believe in changing anyone. they are who they are.

-kindness

-feeling emotionally safe

-good communication

-passion

-intelligence

-humour

-sensitivity

-imagination

and i also like:

-sweet mannish hands-i don't know exactly WHAT that means lol. i have to see it. 

- a masculine voice



if a guy has those things i begin looking at him more physically. but generally by the time i see those things in someone i'm already gone on him anyway. before you say it i know this is a bit unusual. i'm visual too but in a different kind of way. i know a lot of people like tall dark etc... i don't know why i'm the way that i am.


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## ZainTheInsane (Feb 4, 2008)

superodalisque said:


> oh good question!
> 
> yes i have conditions but not physical ones. most of mine are emotional spiritual etc.. so physical issues are not a deal breaker to me. what i do seem to need is:
> 
> ...



I find it interesting that you lead off by saying your desires are not physical, and that they aren't deal breakers...

Yet, there are two physical aspects you mention above...which I've highlighted to avoid confusion. (I've seen this done before...so if the mods strike me down, they've got a lot of explaining to do  )
Wouldn't it have been easier to say that those physical things might be the first things you'd look for after said mental/emotional attributes were discovered and cemented?


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## ZainTheInsane (Feb 4, 2008)

mossystate said:


> I have had certain expectations when I have been in a relationship, but, none of them have been attached to my being a fat woman. I suppose if I think about it..from the angle of being fat...then I could only come up with such basics as requiring a man to be mindful of any ' issues ' and needs I might have..as a fat person...otherwise, my expectations come from a place of what I expect as just being human..hmmmmm. I suppose I will think about this some more, and will be interested to see if my mindset has changed at all, next time I drag a man back to my cave..



Hmmm, the good old 'bash them on the head, and drag 'em back to the cave' method. Very useful for the wild-eyed men... Careful though, if you try it on some guys, you'll break your club.


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## ZainTheInsane (Feb 4, 2008)

southernfa said:


> *Coincidentally, this is a technical term in my business. Just can't seem to get away from it.



As a recently graduated business major...I hate this term, and the definition...useful as it is in business.


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## mossystate (Feb 4, 2008)

ZainTheInsane said:


> Hmmm, the good old 'bash them on the head, and drag 'em back to the cave' method. Very useful for the wild-eyed men... Careful though, if you try it on some guys, you'll break your club.




That's what duct tape is for.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Feb 5, 2008)

southernfa said:


> *Coincidentally, this is a technical term in my business. Just can't seem to get away from it.




Mine, too, which is why I was getting all geared up for a lively discussion of Greek grammar! Oh well -- I'll go someplace quiet and think about uses of the optative mood for a while.


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## bigsexy920 (Feb 5, 2008)

Cant be a smoker 

Has to work - I dont care what but it has to be a legit job that they go to on a regular basis. 

Has to be clean in regard to his body - but I dont care if the house is a little messy. 

As for appearance and personality - there just has to be that chemistry that we both feel. - I do like hands too


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## Smushygirl (Feb 5, 2008)

Normally, this would be where I would make a reference to penis size , but because this is SouthernFA's thread, and I think he is cool, I'll be serious.

I totally agree with and want all of the qualities that Superodalisque has mentioned. In a lot of ways, I think there is a nebulous quality to attraction for me. 

My girlfriend's have pointed out to me that I do have a physical "type", but that usually only includes bushy eyebrows and dimples. There have been very different variables; height, weight, race to name a few. So none of these have proven to be essential for continuing a relationship.

Kindness and intelligence with the right amount of passion (for me!) in a man are intoxicating to me! Honesty is a must!!!


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 5, 2008)

ZainTheInsane said:


> I find it interesting that you lead off by saying your desires are not physical, and that they aren't deal breakers...
> 
> Yet, there are two physical aspects you mention above...which I've highlighted to avoid confusion. (I've seen this done before...so if the mods strike me down, they've got a lot of explaining to do  )
> Wouldn't it have been easier to say that those physical things might be the first things you'd look for after said mental/emotional attributes were discovered and cemented?



The original question was about dealbreakers. I doubt if her beloved lost his voice or both his hands she would be asking for a divorce or whining about how she no longer wants to have sex with him. All of the stuff she listed was the usual hodge podge of girlie hero worship fantasy, there's nothing to see here. She probably didn't line it all up to your liking, you can give her a D in composition if you like but I see no duality here.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 5, 2008)

He has to be male. If he should no longer wish to be male that is a dealbreaker for me. Also he must be gainfully employed or have some steady income coming in from someplace barring reasonable circumstances. No smoking, no drugs, no drunks, no pets, no physical abuse. Any of that and the deal is off. And no tom catting around either. Bridge=burned.


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## Arrhythmia (Feb 5, 2008)

Unfortunately, the kind that physically attract me are the ones who look like "bad guys." I say unfortunately because they usually turn out being just that...bad guys! Bad for me all around. But, I'm changing.....

These are the things I'm looking for:

**Sense of Humor*
**A Romantic* (I love to kiss so very much. Can't get enough of it! :kiss2
**Communicator *(Is it so hard to pick up a phone a few times a week and let me know you are thinking of me? I mean REALLY...how long does that take??)
**Unattached* (Being seperated doesn't count!)
**Emotionally available*
**Desire moi with all my curves and rolls*

I have a question for you guys and gals, too.....
*What does it mean when a guy says, "You taste so sweet." And then proceeds to ask, "Did you know that?" *Um...no, I didn't. I even licked my arm several times to see what they meant, but I didn't get the sensation I do when I eat a snickers bar. What does that mean??


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## Arrhythmia (Feb 5, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> He has to be male. If he should no longer wish to be male that is a dealbreaker for me. Also he must be gainfully employed or have some steady income coming in from someplace barring reasonable circumstances. No smoking, no drugs, no drunks, no pets, no physical abuse. Any of that and the deal is off. And no tom catting around either. Bridge=burned.


DAMN....I have to spread it around! Woman, I am with you on all of the above.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 5, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> Unfortunately, the kind that physically attract me are the ones who look like "bad guys." I say unfortunately because they usually turn out being just that...bad guys! Bad for me all around. But, I'm changing.....
> 
> These are the things I'm looking for:
> 
> ...



Next time just giggle and say, "I know. Sometimes I just can't get enough of myself." I threw up in my mouth a little just thinking that line up.


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## Smushygirl (Feb 5, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> I have a question for you guys and gals, too.....
> *What does it mean when a guy says, "You taste so sweet." And then proceeds to ask, "Did you know that?" *Um...no, I didn't. I even licked my arm several times to see what they meant, but I didn't get the sensation I do when I eat a snickers bar. What does that mean??



Um, he could be a keeper! Sounds like a precursor to a line about oral sex!


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## Webmaster (Feb 5, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> **Unattached* (Being seperated doesn't count!)



For whatever it's worth, when my wife and I met 26 years ago, we were both separated. Had we rejected each other on that basis, we'd have missed out on a lot. ;-)


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## Arrhythmia (Feb 5, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> Um, he could be a keeper! Sounds like a precursor to a line about oral sex!



This guy is a* louse *and the reason why I've been rather blue the past few weeks. Whenever it is that he finds the time to come around for his "sugah fix" he's finding out these sweets are looking for another shoppe to rest at. In other words -- KICKED TO THE CURB!

But, he's not the only one to have said that to me. And it hasn't been a precursor to oral sex, either. Weird!



LillyBBBW said:


> Next time just giggle and say, "I know. Sometimes I just can't get enough of myself." I threw up in my mouth a little just thinking that line up.


Lilly, you are crazy, Woman! 



Webmaster said:


> For whatever it's worth, when my wife and I met 26 years ago, we were both separated. Had we rejected each other on that basis, we'd have missed out on a lot. ;-)


That's so lovely. But, I've been hurt by men who have said they were seperated. LEGALLY seperated is perfectly acceptable.


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## Smushygirl (Feb 5, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> He has to be male. If he should no longer wish to be male that is a dealbreaker for me. Also he must be gainfully employed or have some steady income coming in from someplace barring reasonable circumstances. No smoking, no drugs, no drunks, no pets, no physical abuse. Any of that and the deal is off. And no tom catting around either. Bridge=burned.



See now, I think all of these are givens for the most part. Except maybe the smoking and no pets. All the other items should be a given.

I also notice how no woman, even as a BBW, has mentioned abject tolerance of and compliance with their fetishes being a dealbreaker. Hmmmmm. Very interesting.


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## Arrhythmia (Feb 5, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> I also notice how no woman, even as a BBW, has mentioned abject tolerance of and compliance with their fetishes being a dealbreaker. Hmmmmm. Very interesting.


Well, I don't really have any fetishes, but I think me writing "Desire Moi with all my curves and rolls" encompasses tolerance, no?


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## Smushygirl (Feb 5, 2008)

Just making an observation, dear. I was thinking about why the lists are different. I have no agenda. I find this all very interesting.

Wanting a man to desire my body isn't requesting tolerance for a quirk. Yes, my body may not be the average body, but it is perfectly capable of giving and receiving pleasure. Nothing wrong with that!


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## Arrhythmia (Feb 5, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> Just making an observation, dear. I was thinking about why the lists are different. I have no agenda. I find this all very interesting.
> 
> Wanting a man to desire my body isn't requesting tolerance for a quirk. Yes, my body may not be the average body, but it is perfectly capable of giving and receiving pleasure. Nothing wrong with that!


Well, like I said, I don't really have any fetishes or "quirks." Thanks for clearing it up for me.


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## Sugar (Feb 5, 2008)

Honest, smart & funny.

For me, if those are genuinely there the rest will fall into place. I feel for me anything more than my personaly holy trinity could cut me off from my match.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 6, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> See now, I think all of these are givens for the most part. Except maybe the smoking and no pets. All the other items should be a given.
> 
> *I also notice how no woman, even as a BBW, has mentioned abject tolerance of and compliance with their fetishes being a dealbreaker. Hmmmmm. Very interesting*.



You just reminded me. I actually forgot one:

YOU MUST BE CAPABLE OF HAVING NORMAL SEX. I'm game for just about anything every once in a while. I'm liberally openminded however if you absolutely cannot have sex ever unless I'm in a kangaroo suit or sprawled out on the kitchen table with a roast chicken dangling from my mouth the deal is off. A kink or two or three are okay. A fetish, notsomuch. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just not for me.


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## Tina (Feb 6, 2008)

I agree with Mossy, just those centered around general thoughtfulness regarding my size and how that impacts me. The rest are general and have nothing to do with my weight.


ZainTheInsane said:


> I find it interesting that you lead off by saying your desires are not physical, and that they aren't deal breakers...
> 
> Yet, there are two physical aspects you mention above...which I've highlighted to avoid confusion. (I've seen this done before...so if the mods strike me down, they've got a lot of explaining to do  )
> Wouldn't it have been easier to say that those physical things might be the first things you'd look for after said mental/emotional attributes were discovered and cemented?


I notice that she said "I also like," not that they are conditions. And please, get off the cross, Zain, it's Winter and there are people who need the wood to keep warm.


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## liz (di-va) (Feb 6, 2008)

Trying to keep it to FA-y issues:

I guess an obvious "dealbreaker" change from an FA for me would be...somebody who changed their mind about being an FA (I'm using this language as basic easy code here--not in any wildly specific way to define some fatty-lovers vs. another). If they suddenly found fat gross, or fat women ugly or so influenced by health police that they coudln't handle fat. I guess we all have opinions about whether or not it's _possible_ to really change your mind about something hard-wired anyhow, but there was a thread started here last week by somebody whose BF had suddenly gotten very focused on her losing weight, etc., so I guess it does happen. Actually, now that I think about it, I know somebody who turned out when I met him to have been going through a BBW "phase," and then ended up datin a skinny model. It was sort of repellent in practice, honestly--the way he handled it all, I mean. I ended up feeling like he was "making do" with me. Dunno what he ultimately did, though. If he's datin fatties again or what.

I think this situation is contained by a bigger set of what-ifs, which is just...what if somebody turns out to be not who they seem. Or to change in bad ways--that which was sweet and kind and loving becoming not. But in a long-term relationship, chances are pretty good that's a phase--if you liked them before, you'll probably like em again. But still. People do change.

The only other tangentially related FA-issue that I would also call a dealbreaker for me would be the surfacing of major gender issues. A sudden turn toward being/dressing as/living as a woman on the guy's part, but I'm also picturing in this case that particular obsession with fat that turns out to be about making a man's body become more like a fat woman's. I'm just not built for dealing with gender dysmorphia. Although I guess you don't know if you love someone, but still I gotta say...no. In my own case....to be fair to them, really, no. I have met a few of these guys (I'm leavin out some details here, but basically t hey want your fat for themselves), been entangled with one, and it's just _not_ a good match, I don't like it. I'm interested in men who wanna _fuck_ fat women (whether or not they're fat themselves), not men who wanna _be_ fat women. I'm so turned off by that I doubt I'd get in a major relationship with someone who was built that way (also because I'm not into gaining/feedin, it can get confused with some of this), but who knows, so if those traits suddenly emerged... I hope this doesn't sound too judgemental, I don't mean it to despite my serious squickiness, I just know through experience that it's a dealbreaker and there aren't too many of them out there for me, plus I guess that's what we're talkin about!


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## southernfa (Feb 7, 2008)

Interesting responses so far, thank you everyone for this. As a general observation, without judgement, the bar seems to be quite low, as it were; must be a functioning male, must be honest, good sense of humour etc., very general stuff.

Let me, if I may, ask the question, in a different way. What does/or would tick you off to the point of irreversible frustration with a potential/actual partner? What is forgiveable, what isn't? That sort of thing.


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## mossystate (Feb 7, 2008)

But..if you think about it...the ' low bar ' is sometimes the most difficult to obtain....or...there's the whole limbo thing...ooof. 


The basics, as long as everyday stresses are kept in relative check, go a long way in being able to deal with.. a lot. Now, sure, there are many things that can surface, things one can never anticipate..cheating..abuse...wanting to bring others into the relationship..lots of things. Also, what we might not tolerate today..we might..tomorrow...and vice versa.


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## superodalisque (Feb 7, 2008)

ZainTheInsane said:


> I find it interesting that you lead off by saying your desires are not physical, and that they aren't deal breakers...
> 
> Yet, there are two physical aspects you mention above...which I've highlighted to avoid confusion. (I've seen this done before...so if the mods strike me down, they've got a lot of explaining to do  )
> Wouldn't it have been easier to say that those physical things might be the first things you'd look for after said mental/emotional attributes were discovered and cemented?



the physical conditions i listed are things i like--you can add a pair fine eyes to that  (thats for my sister austenites). i should have been clearer. the only REAL deal breaker i had on there was wanting the same things as far as a relationship goes. not just saying that they want it or compromising what they want for me. 

physical things are definitely not the first thing i notice. there are a lot of pretty people around. it doesn't impress me so much even if it is nice. red is my favorite color but i'm not interested in possessing everything i see thats red. physical things are only icing after the others. if they don't have the others i probably won't let it go that far. maybe i take it for granted because i have a lot of very attractive male friends. i've always gotten along better with guys because of having so many brothers and male cousins who were supportive. most of whom would be considered very handsome. we have several models etc... in that group. looks alone don't really sway me to action. i wouldn't go and talk to someone just because he was handsome.


i guess my list is pretty light weight and sounds impractical. but a lot of other stuff that i've read on lists are things i sort of take for granted, like being clean, working, straight, single, not being abusive etc...it wouldn't ever cross my mind to ever consider anyone like that anyway. i think that comes from having 4 nosey brothers and a dad who taught me to totally ignore people like that. my dad said that if i ignored a substandard kind of guy that i was actually doing him a favor. i would be too much pressure for someone like that. and also he might just decide to improve himself if enough women said no.

for me what i wrote before is a more personal list of things i would rather not live without. they are things that truly float my boat if a guy has them. they are the kind of things that i feel happy with long term. sometimes working, being clean, and not hitting me are just not enough. i don't really need a compatible roomate. otherwise i'm not sure its worth the bother. sharing your life with someone is not easy. i guess what it boils down to is feeling that soul stirring kind of thing. 

there was also an idea in the thread that some bbws might consider fetishism a deal breaker. i don't have anything against what i call love play. love play is something you do because its exciting and both people are okay with it. i think loveplay may include a fetish you may have but its definitely not a fetish that has you.


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## superodalisque (Feb 7, 2008)

Lucky said:


> Honest, smart & funny.
> 
> For me, if those are genuinely there the rest will fall into place. I feel for me anything more than my personaly holy trinity could cut me off from my match.



i love that!


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## superodalisque (Feb 7, 2008)

southernfa said:


> Interesting responses so far, thank you everyone for this. As a general observation, without judgement, the bar seems to be quite low, as it were; must be a functioning male, must be honest, good sense of humour etc., very general stuff.
> 
> Let me, if I may, ask the question, in a different way. What does/or would tick you off to the point of irreversible frustration with a potential/actual partner? What is forgiveable, what isn't? That sort of thing.



i think the ladies are very honest. and it goes to show you that women are really not asking for that much. mostly they are just asking for love in its practical and impractical sense. maybe its the love thing that raises the bar in so many relationships these days. people are so afraid of it. they are afraid that its not real and its just a way to manipulate people. its interesting that when this is all women are asking for guys find us so frightening.


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## superodalisque (Feb 7, 2008)

FA related deal breakers. 

anyone who'd like to pressure me to do anything against my will without any concern or my feelings. 

anyone who says up front they'd dump me if i ever got thin.

someone who doesn't see my personhood.


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## stan_der_man (Feb 7, 2008)

superodalisque said:


> FA related deal breakers.
> 
> ...
> 
> someone who doesn't see my personhood.



At first I didn't think "personhood" was a real word so I was going to razz you about that, but I did find a definition:

Personhood

A socially constructed moral category that denotes the inclusion criteria and salient characteristics that distinguish human beings from other forms of life and thus specify the individuals to which we owe particular moral obligations, i.e., those obligations we have to others due to their status as persons. Philosophically, personhood is generally defined by some list of essential properties by which we recognize a human being as a person. Though these lists vary, they often include such characteristics as consciousness, the ability to reason, compassion, self-awareness and a capacity to communicate.

Now the concept is clear...



...although my spell checker ain't likin' it.





I know a deal breaker for me is people who question my choice of words... 






trouble_maker_man_stan


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## RedVelvet (Feb 7, 2008)

None of my hopes and desires and "needs" with regards to men are at all attached to the fat, as it were, unless you count "sensitivity to limitations or social issues regarding fat".......which is always nice.

If I were to list what I like..what works for me......(what I am lucky enough to have in someone...thank you goddess)....well...it would be a list like any others might be..thin or fat.


I guess a directly FA related deal breaker would be the slightest hint of feederism and or fat fucking "needs" (a la fold fucking...)....total turn off for me...fine for someone else..but a TOTAL turn off for me.


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## stan_der_man (Feb 7, 2008)

One thing I'm curious about if I may ask. I always wonder how much of a factor fear of FAs and the sort of things FAs are potentially attracted to has in forming these opinions of potential "conditions" a fat woman may have when contemplating a relationship with a FA. I bring this up because just yesterday ET Tonight (if I remember correctly) showed a FA who stated that he was "turned on" when his wife ate. I have nothing against that per se, but other than the typical macabre aspects of FAism these are the only aspects of FAs that one usually hears about in the media. Whenever I have told someone I was a FA, I always feel compelled to toss out the usual disclaimers... I'm not into this or that... for fear of being instantly branded a fetish hound of some sort.

I'm just curious if some of these "conditions" that have been stated in this thread are from past experience of FAs or if these conditions are based on notions about what FAs _might_ be into. 




Stan


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## Sugar (Feb 7, 2008)

southernfa said:


> Interesting responses so far, thank you everyone for this. As a general observation, without judgement, the bar seems to be quite low, as it were; must be a functioning male, must be honest, good sense of humour etc., very general stuff.
> 
> Let me, if I may, ask the question, in a different way. What does/or would tick you off to the point of irreversible frustration with a potential/actual partner? What is forgiveable, what isn't? That sort of thing.




So I said honest, funny & smart.

To me the things that would push me to a point of breaking up/off all relate back to those (cheating, lying, etc). 

The only thing that doesn't is abuse. Someone can be smart and funny and honest and a terrible temper lack of respect problem. I have never let someone verbally or physically abuse me. Mossy made a great point that what we wouldn't put up with today we might tomorrow. *knock on wood*

I feel that I can forgive almost anything but not having been "done wrong" often in my past I can't say until I cross that bridge. Lying is the only one I am firm on. 

Aside from that...sometimes people don't match. Someone could be all of my favorite things and it's just not there. It's like asking what is time or love. There are a bazillion answers but none will really pin it down to perfection. Yo.


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## Les Toil (Feb 7, 2008)

southernfa said:


> Do BBWs place conditions or expectations on their partner in a relationship?



I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that they require their FA lovers to be prepared to pick up the slack in areas of physical mobility. I know I'll probably get flamed for that comment but it's certainly something I've come to expect in a BBW/FA relationship as well as my relationships with BBW friends. Because mobility can be much more of an issue with them(BBW) than it is their lover, they often rely on their lover to do a considerable amount of fetching for them (turning off lights they forgot to turn off, putting their clothes in their dryer, going to their car to get something they forgot to bring in, etc...). 

Please believe me when I say I'm personally not complaining about such things, I'm just stating that that IS a condition the FA might need to expect. And yes, I know there are many, many, MANY BBW that can spring from their chairs and answer a ringing phone ten times quicker than their lovers, but for many big women it AIN'T as easy.


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## southernfa (Feb 7, 2008)

superodalisque said:


> i think the ladies are very honest. and it goes to show you that women are really not asking for that much. mostly they are just asking for love in its practical and impractical sense. maybe its the love thing that raises the bar in so many relationships these days. people are so afraid of it. they are afraid that its not real and its just a way to manipulate people. its interesting that when this is all women are asking for guys find us so frightening.


Surely, there is nothing 'just' about love manifest and unmanifest. What of more value could be asked or given? The stakes seem very high indeed. And if I may presume to speak on behalf of others; I think men are very well aware of this and that is what frightens some of us.


fa_man_stan said:


> One thing I'm curious about if I may ask. I always wonder how much of a factor fear of FAs and the sort of things FAs are potentially attracted to has in forming these opinions of potential "conditions" a fat woman may have when contemplating a relationship with a FA. I bring this up because just yesterday ET Tonight (if I remember correctly) showed a FA who stated that he was "turned on" when his wife ate. I have nothing against that per se, but other than the typical macabre aspects of FAism these are the only aspects of FAs that one usually hears about in the media. Whenever I have told someone I was a FA, I always feel compelled to toss out the usual disclaimers... I'm not into this or that... for fear of being instantly branded a fetish hound of some sort.
> 
> I'm just curious if some of these "conditions" that have been stated in this thread are from past experience of FAs or if these conditions are based on notions about what FAs _might_ be into.
> 
> Stan


But to pick up the theme from another recent thread and speaking personally; in real life I am not an 'FA', I am just a guy who happens to be attracted/comfortable/whatever with larger ladies as well as others. The relationship is always going to come first irrespective of the lady's body. If I were to get turned on by anything specific and out-of-the-ordinary, we could talk it out (or not) but it's personal in the context of the relationship between us, not of me being an 'FA' and her having to accomodate that (or not). In this way there is nothing ulterior to disclaim or be embarrassed about or conceal etc. because the basis of the relationship is no different from any other.


Lucky said:


> Mossy made a great point that what we wouldn't put up with today we might tomorrow. *knock on wood*
> I feel that I can forgive almost anything but not having been "done wrong" often in my past I can't say until I cross that bridge. Lying is the only one I am firm on.
> Aside from that...sometimes people don't match. Someone could be all of my favorite things and it's just not there. It's like asking what is time or love. There are a bazillion answers but none will really pin it down to perfection. Yo.



I ask what love is all the time!  Sometimes asking the question is more useful than receiving the answer. Forgiveness is a great virtue and one that I have, regrettably, not entirely mastered. I have the utmost admiration for those who can truly forgive. I loved Mossy's point as well (but can't work out how to get back and recapture it without losing what I've written) and think that it can go either way which is an important point.


OK, I am going to fall on my sword just a little bit here because I do have a degree in ulterior motive in starting this thread. I'd like to offer a couple of my own immensely frustrating, potentially deal-breaking behaviours from an incredibly extensive back-catalogue up for public assessment.
1. Stubbornness. (Incidentally, this translates in male-speak as failure to comply and/or agree within 0.001 milliseconds)
2. Fashion immunity. Not only do I have innately no fashion sense whatever, but I am also capable of making good clothes look bad just by wearing them. I am clinically incapable of looking cool.
3. Failure to accept pets as equal or superior partners in a relationship.

So, out of curiosity, are these things that would be regarded as deal-breakers by the ladies here?

NB: Please don't anyone read too much into this question. It is hypothetical and comes from a man with four mother-in-laws, although that isn't entirely my fault  )


----------



## Smushygirl (Feb 7, 2008)

fa_man_stan said:


> I'm just curious if some of these "conditions" that have been stated in this thread are from past experience of FAs or if these conditions are based on notions about what FAs _might_ be into.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Stan, I can only tell you about my personal experiences with FAs. Prior to coming to Dims, I had no idea what an FA was, but I was excited to come here to commune with fellow fat folk and maybe widen my social circle for dating.

I started going to local bashes and met some wonderful people, people that I love, respect and cherish. Out of them, the FAs that I love and respect have spouses or girlfriends. The single ones don't seem to pay me much attention, perhaps that is because of my age. I'm quite a bit older in those crowds, so that may be a factor.

I was approached by one married FA, he actually showed me his penis. Even though I had told him I wasn't interested BP (Before Penis), he persisted. That was fine too. I ignored that.

I messaged with a very nice FA for sometime and we made plans to meet. He traveled to see me, but when he got here, he told me he had only a few hours, three to be exact. So instead of going to lunch and getting to know one another, I guess he wanted to get down to business. I'm a grown up and all, don't mind casual sex, but I am not a sex worker. And that's how I felt.

Guys in chat seem to all believe we are there to entertain them while they fap. YES, there are great guys in chat who are funny and respectful and I do know some. There are also quite a few guys there that exhibit predatory behavior. That may just mean that they are predators, not necessarily FAs. I don't think they are all like that, but I had to take leave from chat to make sure I could keep my positivity about that. These are only my personal experiences, I'm sure other ladies have experienced different things. And like I said, I love men and some FAs, but it's been a mixed bag for me.

So all the things that women post about wanting a man to view their personhood, is quite important.


----------



## VelvetKiss (Feb 7, 2008)

For me personally Personhood is very important and sometimes is the hardest to find.

Other deal breakers for me are:

someone who will only be with me if I am fat, not if I lose weight

Someone who isnt understanding of the fact I have some limitations being a ssbbw

Any physical or verbal abuse

and alot of the other ones mentioned.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 7, 2008)

mossystate said:


> That's what duct tape is for.




I just use it when I can't locate a muzzle......


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 7, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> Normally, this would be where I would make a reference to penis size , but because this is SouthernFA's thread, and I think he is cool, I'll be serious.



Errrrrrr...penis size ISN'T serious business? :doh:  




Oh, and I have told my last two exes.............if they get fat then I'm leaving them.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 7, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> See now, I think all of these are givens for the most part. Except maybe the smoking and no pets. All the other items should be a given.
> 
> I also notice how no woman, even as a BBW, has mentioned abject tolerance of and compliance with their fetishes being a dealbreaker. Hmmmmm. Very interesting.




Astute Smushy, ftw! \o/


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 7, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> You just reminded me. I actually forgot one:
> 
> YOU MUST BE CAPABLE OF HAVING NORMAL SEX. I'm game for just about anything every once in a while. I'm liberally openminded however if you absolutely cannot have sex ever unless I'm in a kangaroo suit or sprawled out on the kitchen table with a roast chicken dangling from my mouth the deal is off. A kink or two or three are okay. A fetish, notsomuch. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just not for me.





Oh my what a good point......I have noticed that in the chat...they want to not really talk to me about me or anything serious....they just want to talk about my belly. I can like a man appreciating my body and my parts....but GD man, do you mind, if we HAVE to talk about "sex" (hell to be honest, sometimes I don't have a flipping clue he is even talking about sex since his preference is so different than mine :blink: ) can we at least talk about some sex that I could possibly effing enjoy too? JFX......take me back to yahoo and guys that just want blowjobs 
Gawd, I can't even get a good cyber anymore


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 7, 2008)

southernfa said:


> Interesting responses so far, thank you everyone for this. As a general observation, without judgement, the bar seems to be quite low, as it were; must be a functioning male, must be honest, good sense of humour etc., very general stuff.



Sad to say that in today's world, it really does seem hard to find responsible men that don't walk around angry at the world and their mothers- and want any woman in their path to take care of them. Or, at least, this has been a lot of my personal experiences. Hell, an honest, responsible man that actually loves the way I am? Priceless......




southernfa said:


> Let me, if I may, ask the question, in a different way. What does/or would tick you off to the point of irreversible frustration with a potential/actual partner? What is forgiveable, what isn't? That sort of thing.



Unforgivable :
Violence/abuse
hurting my/our children
constant irresponsibility or lying (I do tend to forgive too easy)
Disrespect of me - after a certain point. There are lines that people shouldn't cross. 

Most things are forgivable if I perceive him to be truly sorry/pennant. It's what patterns that emerge in the long haul that get to be problematic. 
Hurting my children though...that is a big no-no and he could easily wind up beat up/in jail/ dead for such an offense.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 7, 2008)

southernfa said:


> OK, I am going to fall on my sword just a little bit here because I do have a degree in ulterior motive in starting this thread. I'd like to offer a couple of my own immensely frustrating, potentially deal-breaking behaviours from an incredibly extensive back-catalogue up for public assessment.
> 1. Stubbornness. (Incidentally, this translates in male-speak as failure to comply and/or agree within 0.001 milliseconds)
> 2. Fashion immunity. Not only do I have innately no fashion sense whatever, but I am also capable of making good clothes look bad just by wearing them. I am clinically incapable of looking cool.
> 3. Failure to accept pets as equal or superior partners in a relationship.
> ...




1. Stubborness: Gosh.....if he can put up with mine, I can certainly put up with his. I have always been with strong, opinionated men.....as my father says.."Who else could get a handle on you without you using them for a mop?"....what he doesnt get is that the loves in my life got the most tender aspects of me, always.....not that I was faking it....I have just always saved the best of myself for "him".

....Never quite understood the woman who only dressed up and acted charming outside the home and to everyone else who WASNT her partner whilst slacking off with him.....to me...he gets the best of me...and everyone else (besides close friends and family..)....gets the leftovers.

2. Fashion Immunity: Nah. I mean....Methinks you probably don't make good clothing look bad....really. I design clothing and am a bit of a clotheshorse, so its nice if the guy I am with can dress himself..but really..I am delighted by a nice button down shirt and slacks....and a black turtleneck and jeans?...swoony...so I am easy.

3. Failure to accept pets as equal or superior: Um.....they're pets. Not family..not people. I am a dog LOVER....I truly adore them...but I don't think they are little people, don't treat them like little people, and dont anthropromorphize (sp) them in general. I'm sorry...I know people love their pets....but they are pets. Your imaginings regarding their thinking and feelings for you are just that....imaginary. They aren't thinking your arse looks great in those pants. I am sure they think you are great...cuz you love on them and feed em and stuff, and are a great pack leader...but they are still.....pets.

Just one babe's opinion.

heh.


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## Sugar (Feb 7, 2008)

Les Toil said:


> I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that they require their FA lovers to be prepared to pick up the slack in areas of physical mobility. I know I'll probably get flamed for that comment but it's certainly something I've come to expect in a BBW/FA relationship as well as my relationships with BBW friends. Because mobility can be much more of an issue with them(BBW) than it is their lover, they often rely on their lover to do a considerable amount of fetching for them (turning off lights they forgot to turn off, putting their clothes in their dryer, going to their car to get something they forgot to bring in, etc...).
> 
> Please believe me when I say I'm personally not complaining about such things, I'm just stating that that IS a condition the FA might need to expect. And yes, I know there are many, many, MANY BBW that can spring from their chairs and answer a ringing phone ten times quicker than their lovers, but for many big women it AIN'T as easy.



Thank you for mentioning this...I didn't think about it but it is very true.

I used to be SSBBW and lost weight and stopped asking for my spouse at the time to do stuff for me. He took it as a sign of distance I took it as a sign of my improved mobility. After he mentioned it I realized how this played a role in our relationship. Neither good nor bad just a role.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 7, 2008)

Les Toil said:


> I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that they require their FA lovers to be prepared to pick up the slack in areas of physical mobility. I know I'll probably get flamed for that comment but it's certainly something I've come to expect in a BBW/FA relationship as well as my relationships with BBW friends. Because mobility can be much more of an issue with them(BBW) than it is their lover, they often rely on their lover to do a considerable amount of fetching for them (turning off lights they forgot to turn off, putting their clothes in their dryer, going to their car to get something they forgot to bring in, etc...).
> 
> Please believe me when I say I'm personally not complaining about such things, I'm just stating that that IS a condition the FA might need to expect. And yes, I know there are many, many, MANY BBW that can spring from their chairs and answer a ringing phone ten times quicker than their lovers, but for many big women it AIN'T as easy.




You know...thats been interesting as an experience for me...I am lucky enough to be extremely mobile...I hike, etc....and it was...unusual, to say the least, to be in a room for the first time with a bunch of FA men and have them rush around fetching things for me as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

I mean....Handsome Boyfriend does this a lot in a gentlemanly sort of way....but he does that with all women..and not even CLOSE to the level of ...well...catering that I experienced around FAs...it was even a little unnerving at first....I tend to serve, rather than be served, you know?

I think I almost feared I would get too used to it.


----------



## superodalisque (Feb 7, 2008)

fa_man_stan said:


> One thing I'm curious about if I may ask. I always wonder how much of a factor fear of FAs and the sort of things FAs are potentially attracted to has in forming these opinions of potential "conditions" a fat woman may have when contemplating a relationship with a FA. I bring this up because just yesterday ET Tonight (if I remember correctly) showed a FA who stated that he was "turned on" when his wife ate. I have nothing against that per se, but other than the typical macabre aspects of FAism these are the only aspects of FAs that one usually hears about in the media. Whenever I have told someone I was a FA, I always feel compelled to toss out the usual disclaimers... I'm not into this or that... for fear of being instantly branded a fetish hound of some sort.
> 
> I'm just curious if some of these "conditions" that have been stated in this thread are from past experience of FAs or if these conditions are based on notions about what FAs _might_ be into. Stan





any notions about FAs that i have are due to what they have said or done themselves. i don't have a problem at all with certain FA interests. the problem comes for me when those interests come before me as a person. if i feel like i'm on an interview for fetish filler thats a deal breaker. i bet that most f the women here will tell you, like me, that its not something they imagine out of the clear blue from something we've read etc... most of it comes from first hand experience. out of the mouths of FAs...

there is a subset of FAs that think its fun to shock us too. i think thats especially true of some of the young ones. although some young FAs are the kindest most respectful FAs that i know bar none. some of the older guys could take classes. but, then there are others who think of fat women almost as an extreme sport. its like a game of jackass to them. its a kind of a "lets see if we can shock the fat lady thing. how hot is that?". so the rest of you have to deal with the impression made from that stuff too. you might want to talk to them about it. its just an outflow of youthful misogny until they really figure out what women are for 100%--or as close to it as guys get anyway. but unfortunately the rest of you have to pay the price.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 7, 2008)

fa_man_stan said:


> One thing I'm curious about if I may ask. I always wonder how much of a factor fear of FAs and the sort of things FAs are potentially attracted to has in forming these opinions of potential "conditions" a fat woman may have when contemplating a relationship with a FA. I bring this up because just yesterday ET Tonight (if I remember correctly) showed a FA who stated that he was "turned on" when his wife ate. I have nothing against that per se, but other than the typical macabre aspects of FAism these are the only aspects of FAs that one usually hears about in the media. Whenever I have told someone I was a FA, I always feel compelled to toss out the usual disclaimers... I'm not into this or that... for fear of being instantly branded a fetish hound of some sort.
> 
> I'm just curious if some of these "conditions" that have been stated in this thread are from past experience of FAs or if these conditions are based on notions about what FAs _might_ be into.
> 
> Stan



Interesting point, love.

Ummmmm.....well...like I have said elsewhere....my experiences with FAs are 95% positive...but that 5% is a doozy....and yes....real life experience, rather than just scary media fed ideas.

I understand your point..how much of the turn offs are just stuff we have just "heard" about happening...right?

I would think that most women would say that the internet is where you find the high percentage of distasteful crazy....but real life does play a factor.

I think I have been pretty lucky in this regard. Of course...part of it IS luck, and part of it is a complete unwillingness to tolerate anything else.

My self esteem is not perfect (see: candid photos)......BUT...I know what I am and what I am worth...and frankly...in my mind...I am always wearing an invisible tiara.

HA!


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## superodalisque (Feb 7, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> You know...thats been interesting as an experience for me...I am lucky enough to be extremely mobile...I hike, etc....and it was...unusual, to say the least, to be in a room for the first time with a bunch of FA men and have them rush around fetching things for me as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
> 
> I mean....Handsome Boyfriend does this a lot in a gentlemanly sort of way....but he does that with all women..and not even CLOSE to the level of ...well...catering that I experienced around FAs...it was even a little unnerving at first....I tend to serve, rather than be served, you know?
> 
> I think I almost feared I would get too used to it.



i eat that kind of stuff up. am i bad?  probably lol. i'm in decent shape for an ssbbw. i still dance a lot because i enjoy it. but i don't exercise as much at all because don't have the time and i'm not as inclined as i once was. but, i feel guilty when guys do a whole lot for me because i feel like i'm using them. so usually if they cater to me i try to do something for them too--NOT THAT! if i'm at a dance or something i would probably go and buy them a drink or something while they sit. but initially i'm very impressd with being spoiled. 

i think that some FAs look at a kind of dependency as intimacy. i can understand that. it would take a great deal of trust to rely on someone physically. they know that and i think that might be part of the turn on. but it might take a lot of time to trust someone in that way. some FAs are too impatient and want that trust right away from a woman. and, also you might not want to fake a weakness you don't have--or necessarily develop one for him if that isn't your thing. i'm pretty proud and i like feeling spoiled but i don't like feeling downright disabled.

sure there are certian things in the bedroom bbws and certainly ssbbws might not as adept at as a thin woman. but, i also can do things that a thin woman can't so it all evens out in the end. a man might have to give up or reduce a few things but he would probably discover a lot that other women might not be capable of at all. i think FAs might understand that better than most.


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## Jes (Feb 10, 2008)

superodalisque said:


> i bet that most f the women here will tell you, like me, that its not something they imagine out of the clear blue from something we've read etc... most of it comes from first hand experience. out of the mouths of FAs...
> 
> .



I couldn't have made it up in my head if I had tried. And I have a solid imagination!


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 10, 2008)

fa_man_stan said:


> One thing I'm curious about if I may ask. I always wonder how much of a factor fear of FAs and the sort of things FAs are potentially attracted to has in forming these opinions of potential "conditions" a fat woman may have when contemplating a relationship with a FA. I bring this up because just yesterday ET Tonight (if I remember correctly) showed a FA who stated that he was "turned on" when his wife ate. I have nothing against that per se, but other than the typical macabre aspects of FAism these are the only aspects of FAs that one usually hears about in the media. Whenever I have told someone I was a FA, I always feel compelled to toss out the usual disclaimers... I'm not into this or that... for fear of being instantly branded a fetish hound of some sort.
> 
> I'm just curious if some of these "conditions" that have been stated in this thread are from past experience of FAs or if *these conditions are based on notions about what FAs might be into.*
> 
> ...



Yes, it's eliminating certain things that go beyond our threshold in general and not attributed to all FA's. It's the same as saying, "Yes I like men but I don't like men who ___(bad habit)___." Otherwise people would be saying, "Uh uh. No men. No men EVER because they all ____(bad habit)____."


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## Jane (Feb 10, 2008)

Damn, I feel positively _easy_ at this point.

After initial attraction, which includes smart, sense of humor, happy to be seen with me, honesty, I only have two rules:

1) No police/parole officers/authority involvement
2) Don't stick your dick in anyone/thing else.


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## ThikJerseyChik (Feb 10, 2008)

Jane said:


> Damn, I feel positively _easy_ at this point.
> 
> After initial attraction, which includes smart, sense of humor, happy to be seen with me, honesty, I only have two rules:
> 
> ...



Jane, WE are on the EXACT same page - unfortunately my choices in my earlier relationship years my selection tuner was a bit OFF, needless to say I have LEARNED from experience the 'bad boys' aren't worth the price.....and I ain't lookin' for a daddy. I want a partner, a mate...an EQUAL.

He doesn't have to wait on me hand and foot, I am VERY independent and choose to stay that way, thank you very much! :batting:

TJC


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## Jane (Feb 10, 2008)

ThikJerseyChik said:


> Jane, WE are on the EXACT same page - unfortunately my choices in my earlier relationship years my selection tuner was a bit OFF, needless to say I have LEARNED from experience the 'bad boys' aren't worth the price.....and I ain't lookin' for a daddy. I want a partner, a mate...an EQUAL.
> 
> He doesn't have to wait on me hand and foot, I am VERY independent and choose to stay that way, thank you very much! :batting:
> 
> TJC



Yep, mine was kind of a "that won't happen again" decision.


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## autopaint-1 (Feb 10, 2008)

Reading this thread (And I know I don't count being commited and all) I don't see how anyone can have a complete life without a pet/four legged family member. Allergies aside (and they can be treated) living life without an animal/pet for me is no life at all.


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## SocialbFly (Feb 10, 2008)

Webmaster said:


> For whatever it's worth, when my wife and I met 26 years ago, we were both separated. Had we rejected each other on that basis, we'd have missed out on a lot. ;-)




the problem is...some men consider themselves seperated when they walk out the front door of their home...just saying...(yeah yeah, equal opportunity, some women too!)


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## NancyGirl74 (Feb 10, 2008)

My deal breakers would be smoking, drinking, and drugs. If we are being FA specific I would have to say anyone who doesn't respect my need to be heathly is not for me. If they place their desire for my fat above their desire for me as a whole person, I don't see how there can be a relationship. That type of person is selfish and selfish doesn't work in relationships.


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## bexy (Feb 10, 2008)

*hmm well not sure about these being conditions as such but i'll give it a shot.

*anti smoking, not just as in not a smoker, but also against it like me.

*the same religious and political views. i am not political. i hate politcis. its a minefield here in Northern Ireland. i couldnt go out with anyone with strong political views.
i am athiest.i wont baptise/christen my children when i have them. my opinion is that it is immoral to choose another persons religion for them. saying they can change when they grow up is irrelevant. they can choose when they grow up simple as. so anyone i am in a relationship with, at least a serious relationship, has to feel the same way.

*no bigotry. cant abide racism or homophobia. its a big one as most of my friends are gay, most of my social life revolves around gay activities such a LBT support group and Pride. 

*with regards to fat, love me because of it not in spite of it. obviously like me for much more than my body, but dont "see past" my fat. yes this has been said to me before. i want a partner who likes big girls, who doesnt just like me cos im me but has a genuine preference for it.

*understand my obsession with morrissey. seems silly but its past being a fan to me, and any partner needs to understand that.

*understanding of depression/mental illness. i need someone that understands depression is real and doesnt mean you are insane. sounds simple but its not. in fact my ex, when we broke up, said it was lucky we didnt have kids as he would have brought up (and i quote) "the fact that you are mentally unstable and gettin psychiatric help to get them kids off you"....like wtf?? so depression equals mentally unstable now? so this is a biggy to me.

*a match sexually. liking the same things, having the same boundaries. but also having the same morals as such. i dont sleep around, never have never will. 2 men thats it. i wanted it to only ever be 1. im sexually adventurous but only with the person i intend to spend my life with. a dealbreaker for me would be if someone had had more than 1-2 partners. i dont judge people, if u like one night stands, short term relationships thats awesome and your choice so long as your protect yourself i have no issues! but i couldnt be with someone who had slept around. *


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> 1. Stubborness: Gosh.....if he can put up with mine, I can certainly put up with his. I have always been with strong, opinionated men.....as my father says.."Who else could get a handle on you without you using them for a mop?"....what he doesnt get is that the loves in my life got the most tender aspects of me, always.....not that I was faking it....I have just always saved the best of myself for "him".
> 
> ....Never quite understood the woman who only dressed up and acted charming outside the home and to everyone else who WASNT her partner whilst slacking off with him.....to me...he gets the best of me...and everyone else (besides close friends and family..)....gets the leftovers.




I concur with you here....however, one thing I want to say about my own past relationships......... they did get the most tender aspects of me....and some of my worst when I was in a "low". I took all they had to offer...good and bad, so I saw nothing wrong with giving the same. That seems like a fair partnership in my eyes.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

ThikJerseyChik said:


> Jane, WE are on the EXACT same page - unfortunately my choices in my earlier relationship years my selection tuner was a bit OFF, needless to say I have LEARNED from experience the 'bad boys' aren't worth the price.....and I ain't lookin' for a daddy. I want a partner, a mate...an EQUAL.



*high fives* :bow:



Only only one thing to add....I'm not looking for a daddy- nor to be a mother to a grown man. 

I'm one helluva strong woman- you had best be a strong man to make time with me.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

bexylicious said:


> *the same religious and political views.



I can tolerate SOME difference of opinions when it comes to the politics. He doesn't have to meet me line for line...however, I would prefer a leftie. I have tried it with a right winger.....we finally had to simply agree not to talk about politics with each other because it really did cause some arguments and become a point of contention between us. 

Far as religion, I could be with an atheist (I believe in a "higher power" myself). I could be with a man that believes in God and attends church regularly. However, I couldn't abide him attempting to force me, or my/his children to attend church. I am not 'religious" but more "spiritually inclined" and don't believe in forcing religion/beliefs onto others. I also couldn't stand him trying to quote scripture or use religion/scripture in an attempt to manipulate others. That definitely would not fly. I suppose I'm saying religion/belief is okay....just not "too much" of it. 



bexylicious said:


> *no bigotry. cant abide racism or homophobia. its a big one as most of my friends are gay, most of my social life revolves around gay activities such a LBT support group and Pride.



I really don't want a big mouth bigoted asshat around my children, to be honest. So I have to agree again. 




bexylicious said:


> *understanding of depression/mental illness. i need someone that understands depression is real and doesnt mean you are insane. sounds simple but its not. in fact my ex, when we broke up, said it was lucky we didnt have kids as he would have brought up (and i quote) "the fact that you are mentally unstable and gettin psychiatric help to get them kids off you"....like wtf?? so depression equals mentally unstable now? so this is a biggy to me.




I tend to think that this goes back to the bigotry/prejudice thing in some way. I can understand someone fearing the "unknown" but part of life is learning new things- good or bad- about the people around you. Mental issues/problems are part of our society and gaining a better understanding of such things seems essential. Everyone is capable of being depressed sometimes, IMO.



bexylicious said:


> *a match sexually. liking the same things, having the same boundaries. but also having the same morals as such. i dont sleep around, never have never will. 2 men thats it. i wanted it to only ever be 1. im sexually adventurous but only with the person i intend to spend my life with. a dealbreaker for me would be if someone had had more than 1-2 partners. i dont judge people, if u like one night stands, short term relationships thats awesome and your choice so long as your protect yourself i have no issues! but i couldnt be with someone who had slept around.



I wouldn't mind a man that is "sexually adventurous"...actually I prefer one to a man that has a stick of judgment lodged up his ass. However, I also don't want to be with a "man whore" but rather a guy that respects himself, and others, more than that.


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## mybluice (Feb 10, 2008)

I'm attracted to Italian men...something about the dark hair/eyes and the way they look. 

Besides the physical I want someone who is open, honest, sincere and accepts me for who I am and how I look.


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## CleverBomb (Feb 10, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I wouldn't mind a man that is "sexually adventurous"...actually I prefer one to a man that has a stick of judgment lodged up his ass. However, I also don't want to be with a "man whore" but rather a guy that respects himself, and others, more than that.


"Stick of Judgement"?
Like this?
Jesus' General, on The Rod


Patriotboy said:


> I was particularly pleased to see an advertisement for The Rod, a 22-inch nylon stick specifically designed for beating kids.
> 
> I've always been a spatula man myself. Whenever I commit a grievous sin, I go to Seattle and pay a man to punish me with what I like to call The Great and Terrible Spatula of Redemption. It's how I get right with the Lord.



-Rusty


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

CleverBomb said:


> "Stick of Judgement"?
> Like this?
> Jesus' General, on The Rod
> 
> ...



I actually like that rod...however, I wouldn't use it for it's intended purpose of "beating kids" but would instead use it to knock some sense into the asshat that dared to try using it on my children.  

Oh and why does that guy go to Seattle and "pay a man" to do it? I would gladly do it for free....


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## ekmanifest (Feb 10, 2008)

I can tolerate different religious/spiritual beliefs.

In this day and time - different political beliefs - not so much.


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## CleverBomb (Feb 10, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I actually like that rod...however, I wouldn't use it for it's intended purpose of "beating kids" but would instead use it to knock some sense into the asshat that dared to try using it on my children.
> 
> Oh and why does that guy go to Seattle and "pay a man" to do it? I would gladly do it for free....


Running joke.
He's an 11 on the Absolute Scale of Manly Gender.
Not at all gay. Really!
Manly men from Sparta wrestled nude all the time.

-Rusty


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## ThikJerseyChik (Feb 10, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> *high fives* :bow:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Amen, sistah! ^5


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I concur with you here....however, one thing I want to say about my own past relationships......... they did get the most tender aspects of me....and some of my worst when I was in a "low". I took all they had to offer...good and bad, so I saw nothing wrong with giving the same. That seems like a fair partnership in my eyes.



But of course, darlin...To hide the low times is to be dishonest..and thats no good...I just think that familiarity breeds contempt a lot...I think that sometimes we do the bare minimum for the people we think arent going anywhere...and that that is a grave mistake.


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## Theresa48 (Feb 10, 2008)

There are qualities in a man that attract me initially. Sense of humor, higher than average intelligence, good hygiene, and a solid work ethic are important to me. Other than that (lol) how they look..fat, skinny, short or tall, dark or light...isn't a factor. Once I enter a relationship, deal breakers would be: 

his wanting to change who I am (why date someone you don't like or want to be someone else?) 

his becoming physically or emotionally abusive, 

finding out that who he presented himself to be, he wasn't, and the relationship was built on lies 

and lastly, his refusal to try to work through disagreements or compromise when needed.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> But of course, darlin...To hide the low times is to be dishonest..and thats no good...I just think that familiarity breeds contempt a lot...I think that sometimes we do the bare minimum for the people we think arent going anywhere...and that that is a grave mistake.



I fully agree here. In other words, just because you love someone and they love you back doesn't mean it's okay to toss your whole load of shit and baggage on them. Don't take people for granted...ESPECIALLY the ones you love. I have been on the receiving end of that and you will get NO argument there.


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## Fyreflyintheskye (Feb 10, 2008)

Like Mossy says, my needs as a SSBBW are no different than they'd be if I were a different shape/size. They're just what I feel I need from another person as a human being. I've dated FAs and made FAs, so if there is some special key that makes a man more attractive to a fat lady, I have not yet found it  

well, I've read everyone's con mucho gusto and interest, as well as given it a lot of thought, myself, so here are my conditions in fairly ragged, rough draft. 

open and loving: be aware of the beautiful things all around yourself, and have a passion to create and add to the things that make our hearts skip a beat. Live music, the hands-on science centers, shore exploration tours, culinary, or performing arts, or just gardening around the house are great starting ideas to use while considering what you'd like to do when you kidnap us for a sudden, "unplanned" date. Steal us away for coffee, even if you or we "don't have time!" Take us on your adventures. Just because we're fat, it doesn't mean we don't enjoy the great outdoors like swimming, climbing quarries, or camping; it just means we may need to catch our breath once more than you do. Try not to take people or your experiences for granted. Reminisce. Call us for a minute here and there to discuss things that don't really matter just to get our opinion, and we will return the favor. Keep us in the loop. This will make us feel valued. Send a dirty IM or e-mail when we least expect it. Explore your innermost desires with us and we won't judge you for it; we'll hold flashlights in the dark places you don't want to admit are there, that is, if you like lights on there... you naughty thing.  Talk to others about our good qualities when we're not around; we'll never forget it. Likewise if you talk about personal things when we're not around or not-so-nice things about us to other people -- it will come around to us (especially in this tightly-knit community of gossip) and we won't forget so beware, BEWAAAAAARE.  Be a sentimental fool if the mood strikes, and we won't hold it against you; we'll find it endearing. Use us as constant dumping grounds for your empty promises to yourself diatribes, whoa-is-me sorrows, or continual bitching about things you've no intention of constructively working at, and we'll think you're a big, whiny baby who can't stand on his/her own two feet (and probably avoid you). :shocked: yes, I said it! We'll grow tired of your defeatist, sour, wah-wah-wah attitude and want to tell you to, "Be a man!" or "buck up!." Et. al. So, there is comforting, romantic, and soft, but then there is spineless, "everyone is out to get me" JELL-O. Try not to be the JELL-O because you're as perfectly capable of toughing it up as anyone else. 

congeniality, humor, and intellect: be able to tease with us and let us tease you. Lighten the dark clouds in peoples' days, be the beacon in the darkness. Be inclusive. It doesn't take much. Laugh at us and yourself and own up/apologize when you make a mistake. Having a joke with a stranger when around us is a good start, or just being a little more conscientious of how your attitude, behaviors, and words affect others. Have grand, significant conversations with us about your views and our views. Conspire with us. Make us think. Listen while we're thinking outloud, too. Excite us with your knowledge, but please refrain from being a little too stubborn about those views!  

aspirations: have thoughts aimed to grow and change, positively affecting the world we're in. Volunteer not only monetary resources, but time and work in your neighborhood or wherever you can. Be proud of your home and make it show. Do things for others, not for validation or petty one-ups-manship, but for the sake of giving of yourself once in a while and realizing that the power in your hands and heart to help others is limitless. Perceive problems as challenges in disguise and, if you can't always, at least be resourceful to try to see past them instead of being constantly bitter or brooding. Be conscious of how you treat your environment and aware of habits you have that stagnate your ability to enjoy life in the longer term. Be our hero by standing up for your convictions and we'll walk to the ends of the earth and back for you. 

self-sufficient and steadfast: like the expression, "winning isn't everything, but trying is." This kind of ties into the above paragraph as well, when it comes to having aspirations. I think, at the end of the day, every woman isn't looking for a millionaire. We love when a man works hard or smart. We love efficiency and power. We admire those qualities, whether in a man or woman. We'll all make sugarmomma or daddy jokes, but we're really looking for someone who makes us feel like a million bucks, so a man or partner who will budget his/her time and money to do something sweet means universes and light years more to us (99% of us, I'd imagine!) than a man or woman who will shower us with umpteen gifts, presents, and trinkets just because they can. We don't want to be mindlessly bought or placated with stuff so much or so in place of care. We can buy stuff ourselves. We can't buy memories or waking up canoodling with someone who makes us daydream at work. There's no site catalog of perfect, simple moments. And if there was, they definitely wouldn't deliver. It'd be a brick & mortar store in a mall that's a pain in the neck to get to with loads of traffic and long lines because everyone wants those things. Those are the experiences we dream about. 
*
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*
Oh, right, and the physical things: well, like Bluice says, dark hair and eyes *always* get my attention... always... even if it doesn't look like I'm paying attention, you're on my radar. Ohh, yes! *bloop! bloop!* lol :batting:
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BTW, what a great thread you've started. I've really enjoyed reading it. Thanks


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## sunnie1653 (Feb 10, 2008)

I couldn't (and would not be) with someone that put conditions like "keep/gain weight" in our relationship. I do not wish to gain weight. I do not consciously lose weight.. however, if my health depended on it, I surely would, no questions asked. And if that was a problem to the "significant other" in my life, then they would find themselves becoming far less significant.


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## James (Feb 11, 2008)

Les Toil said:


> I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that they require their FA lovers to be prepared to pick up the slack in areas of physical mobility. I know I'll probably get flamed for that comment but it's certainly something I've come to expect in a BBW/FA relationship as well as my relationships with BBW friends. Because mobility can be much more of an issue with them(BBW) than it is their lover, they often rely on their lover to do a considerable amount of fetching for them (turning off lights they forgot to turn off, putting their clothes in their dryer, going to their car to get something they forgot to bring in, etc...).
> 
> Please believe me when I say I'm personally not complaining about such things, I'm just stating that that IS a condition the FA might need to expect. And yes, I know there are many, many, MANY BBW that can spring from their chairs and answer a ringing phone ten times quicker than their lovers, but for many big women it AIN'T as easy.


 
Interesting to me that you should raise this point Les as its a subject I've been thinking on a little recently. I've even considered starting a thread on the subject as I have some conflicted feelings towards this kind of dynamic in an FA/SSBBW couple and could maybe benefit from reading the thoughts of other FAs? 

Like you, I dont mind doing a little bit extra fetching, carrying etc. It is a reality that such things are easier for me to do so it usually makes sense that I should do them... (and thats fine). Where I get slightly uneasy, conscience-wise, is where the line should be drawn on this kind of thing in an FA/SSBBW relationship? Clearly the situation would differ from FA to FA and from SSBBW to SSBBW but basically, part of me feels that its the decent thing to to do and part of me feels uncomfortable about the idea of creating a norm where inactivity is supported. 

Ok, I appreciate that a lot of FAs can't actually know personally how hard it is to be big, nor can we fully appreciate how much or how little someone might rely or count upon us for support. 

I dont know... erm... I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reality of being (very) big seems to me to be really, really effing hard sometimes. You'd have to be a pretty cold human being to not empathise with these difficulties... Especially, when certain things that are totally commonplace and easy to do for an able-bodied or lighter person can be nigh-on impossible for people above a certain size and weight. 

As a person, never mind an FA, I dont want to be a contributor to this problem. The phrase 'use it or lose it' often seems apt and a big part of me (the Mr "Fix-Everything" part probably?) supports choices that dont inhibit the 'use it' part of that phrase for a person. The other part of me (Mr 'Do-Stuff') wants to make a partner feel at ease and unstressed by tough situations by doing things for them...

I know its a bit of a toughie, but it'd be good to hear from other FAs (and BBW/SSBBWs) what their thoughts are on this?


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## Fyreflyintheskye (Feb 11, 2008)

James said:


> I dont know... erm... I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reality of being (very) big seems to me to be really, really effing hard sometimes. You'd have to be a pretty cold human being to not empathise with these difficulties... Especially, when certain things that are totally commonplace and easy to do for an able-bodied or lighter person can be nigh-on impossible for people above a certain size and weight.
> 
> As a person, never mind an FA, I dont want to be a contributor to this problem. The phrase 'use it or lose it' often seems apt and a big part of me (the Mr "Fix-Everything" part probably?) supports choices that dont inhibit the 'use it' part of that phrase for a person. The other part of me (Mr 'Do-Stuff') wants to make a partner feel at ease and unstressed by tough situations by doing things for them...




ohh, I see what you're saying. dichotomy: you don't know if you'd ultimately be a help or a hindrance... yeah, that is a tough one. !eep

I guess your actions must be completely commensurate with your perception of how that bbw/ssbbw feels about being in said not-as-mobile situation. hmm. Probably stay tuned in more...?  I kinda' liked the occasional honeydews ("honeydew this, please," ETC.), especially when it's cold out. I hate the cold lol  You could probably just really come out and ask that particular, "Why am I doing this now? Are you being lazy, need a little assistance, or just want me to be your houseboy for a minute?" Then again, by the time she gives you an answer, she probably could have already done it herself :doh:


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## RedVelvet (Feb 11, 2008)

James said:


> Interesting to me that you should raise this point Les as its a subject I've been thinking on a little recently. I've even considered starting a thread on the subject as I have some conflicted feelings towards this kind of dynamic in an FA/SSBBW couple and could maybe benefit from reading the thoughts of other FAs?
> 
> Like you, I dont mind doing a little bit extra fetching, carrying etc. It is a reality that such things are easier for me to do so it usually makes sense that I should do them... (and thats fine). Where I get slightly uneasy, conscience-wise, is where the line should be drawn on this kind of thing in an FA/SSBBW relationship? Clearly the situation would differ from FA to FA and from SSBBW to SSBBW but basically, part of me feels that its the decent thing to to do and part of me feels uncomfortable about the idea of creating a norm where inactivity is supported.
> 
> ...





I think both your concerns are valid, and thoughtful and wise, as usual, James. I agree that creating an atmosphere of inactivity is a BAD idea indeed.

I am extremely mobile....and intend to stay that way...so too much catering scares me a bit....but I speak only for myself. For someone with mobility issues....very different situation.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 11, 2008)

This is a situation that anyone would need to expect in my view. I'm sitting in my office listening to my co worker squawking incessantly about how her husband is having open heart surgery next month. She's taking a medical leave to care for him and I've heard other stories of spouses being injured on the job, having a stroke, MS, a brain injury. Clearly if someone is going to espouse a police officer, a fire fighter, etc. they have to deal with the reality that someday they may have to care for their spouse after injury or that they may die in a freak accident. Should he 'expect' her to jump into high gear to care for him if something should happen to him? Most would say yes. It's what couples do and chances are your SO would do the same if you got into a car accident and needed care. It's a risk we all live with. 



Les Toil said:


> I'm surprised no one here has mentioned that they require their FA lovers to be prepared to pick up the slack in areas of physical mobility. I know I'll probably get flamed for that comment but it's certainly something I've come to expect in a BBW/FA relationship as well as my relationships with BBW friends. Because mobility can be much more of an issue with them(BBW) than it is their lover, they often rely on their lover to do a considerable amount of fetching for them (turning off lights they forgot to turn off, putting their clothes in their dryer, going to their car to get something they forgot to bring in, etc...).
> 
> Please believe me when I say I'm personally not complaining about such things, I'm just stating that that IS a condition the FA might need to expect. And yes, I know there are many, many, MANY BBW that can spring from their chairs and answer a ringing phone ten times quicker than their lovers, but for many big women it AIN'T as easy.


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