# question about hugs



## likeitmatters (Jan 15, 2010)

I come from a very huggy type family and I grew up with the notion that it was quite normal to hug man women and children and being italian it was quite normal. Now that I am living down in south carolina for many years(good luck new york), I have noticed something over the years which sort of disturbs me somewhat. When family members see each other, they rarely hug or even kiss on the cheek(that is normal for me too) and I do not understand that at all.

To me a hug is a hug and not meant to be sexual at all or am I am from another time and place? I have a new roommate living with me and he is totally straight(thank god) no drama or requests for sex and he works but that is another matter. And every night he walks in he gives me a hug to know he is glad to be home.

I just do not understand people these days. If I was to meet anyone from this site, I would give you a hug or is not PC these days? or are you going to call the police for possible sexual harassment? (that is somewhat over used these days with people in general)

anyone thoughts...

:bow:


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Jan 15, 2010)

I'm a hugger...as are most of my friends and family. I don't see anything overtly sexual in it. 

There are some people who aren't comfortable with that, in fact a close friend of mine just made the comment a few weeks ago that we don't hug each other all the time but all these other people hug me when they see me or vice versa...she said I don't love her. I always got the feeling that she wasn't a person who was comfortable with hugging because she seemed to shy away from others when they did it.

Heck I was "guy hugged" last week for putting up a poster in a women's bathroom for a dude in a band. This same friend made fun of me because I was "guy hugged" Ya know the hand shake, pull in, arm around the shoulder with a big ole' pat on the back. Yep..."guy hugged" lol

Now, the one thing I never got used to, when I was younger a good friend of mine came from a family of mouth kissers. And they kissed everyone on the mouth, even when they just met you. I didn't like that and would turn my cheek really quick, though it took me a little while to get the timing down right.


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## TallFatSue (Jan 15, 2010)

Oh it's probably not a question of right or wrong, PC or not PC, but rather it is what it is. People grow up with different customs. Customs which are perfectly fine in one family, region etc. may simply not be done in another. Imagine the opposite: someone who grew up in a non-huggy environment might be far more shocked to be surrounded by people who hug all the time.

No biggie. When in Rome (or wherever), do as the locals do (within reason).

My family is seems to have a middle ground. Sometimes we hug, sometimes we don't. It's no indication of better or worse feelings for each other.


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## Jes (Jan 15, 2010)

likeitmatters said:


> I come from a very huggy type family and I grew up with the notion that it was quite normal to hug man women and children and being italian it was quite normal. Now that I am living down in south carolina for many years(good luck new york), I have noticed something over the years which sort of disturbs me somewhat. When family members see each other, they rarely hug or even kiss on the cheek(that is normal for me too) and I do not understand that at all.
> 
> To me a hug is a hug and not meant to be sexual at all or am I am from another time and place? I have a new roommate living with me and he is totally straight(thank god) no drama or requests for sex and he works but that is another matter. And every night he walks in he gives me a hug to know he is glad to be home.
> 
> ...



I'm not sure I get your question. You're saying no one hugs where you are now, but your straight male roommate hugs you every day which, personally, I find pretty weird. So either there's non-sexual hugging there or there isn't... Can you maybe explain further? Thanks.


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## TallFatSue (Jan 15, 2010)

Sayyyy, speaking of "to hug or not to hug, that is the question"... One of the ironies of my family is that my brother (and we dearly love each other) married a very thin woman who is, or was, very fat phobic. She's the poster girl for air kisses, she's always impeccably dressed with every hair in place, and she doesn't like to be mussed up. Our family is a "sometimes we hug, sometimes we don't" kinda family, but my sister-in-law absolutely positively does not like to hug -- not no way, not no how -- especially by someone like me who is literally quadruple her size. But like a cat who zeroes in on people who don't like cats, I've tried to be close to her at family gatherings. Not that I jump in her lap, but given her fat-phobicity, I always make sure to give her a big enveloping hug. 

Well, at Christmas ya coulda knocked me over with a feather when my S-I-L sought me and, even more surprising, SHE gave ME a great big hug, not once but twice. Let me tell you, it was more than a little refreshing that my sister-in-law didn't behave as if my mere presence put her in danger of being crushed. On the other hand, the abrupt albeit positive change in her behavior makes me wonder if she wants something from me. Oh well, I'm more than happy to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, she's my brother's wife, and even if she is a control freak, she has a good heart. Wow, my tiny S-I-L coming up to me and wanting a hug! Never thought I'd see the day, but I like it! She just might become a FFA yet. Nahhhh....


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## toni (Jan 15, 2010)

I am not a hugger. I hate it. I only hug my children and my boyfriend. That's it!

I am Italian and I come from huggers (and cheek kissers YIKES!). Family functions are very uncomfortable for me. They know I hate it but they still force themselves on me. 

I don't know why people feel they can just touch me and hug me. It sort of annoys me. Some more than others. I can tolerate a hug from a friend at times. Depending on my mood, I can flip out. 

I went out to dinner with 6 girlfriends last weekend. At the end of the night, they all wanted to hug. UGH! My reflexes told me to run and I did! They know my issue, so they all thought it was funny. I was just happy I got out of there without being hug assaulted. 

So yeah, I am a non hugger. If my room mate hugged me every time I came through the door. I would move out as fast as I moved in.


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## Melian (Jan 15, 2010)

My family doesn't tend to hug each other, but my friends and I engage in platonic hugging all the time, oddly enough.

In general, as long as the person is not repulsive in some way, I have no problem with receiving a random hug.


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## steely (Jan 15, 2010)

I am in NC and my family are not huggers. We were brought up with no outward affection in any way whatsoever. I am very uncomfortable at the thought of hugging strangers and being fat on top of that, I never got the idea that anyone wanted to hug me.

Luckily, I married a man who was overly affectionate and wanted to hug me and just touch me constantly. I did come to enjoy it but I still am a bit stand offish with most people. There are exceptions to this but I still don't hug members of my family.


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## cinnamitch (Jan 15, 2010)

In the south we aren't all huggy and kissy, unless you are a child or granny. We compensate by calling everyone hun or darlin.


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## stldpn (Jan 15, 2010)

I'm not a huggy person. It's not that I haven't tried, it's just that it has always made me feel uncomfortable. I'm a snuggler but not a hugger.


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## Jes (Jan 15, 2010)

stldpn said:


> I'm not a huggy person. It's not that I haven't tried, it's just that it has always made me feel uncomfortable. I'm a snuggler but not a hugger.



are you a lover or a fighter? a picker or a grinner?


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## RJI (Jan 15, 2010)

I hug it out all the time. Many of my male friends are Italian and African American so i guess i just got used to them always being huggy. 

In the South they are just raised as homophobes, at least all my Southern relatives are. 

The Hawaiians make fun of the Whites for not hugging and kissing upon greeting. Thats were the word Haole came from (No Breath).


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## escapist (Jan 15, 2010)

Ok this is one that is very "culture" centered. In American culture it really depends on how and where it is used. It often display's a form of social dominance (even when polite). I gotta say though, I have no problem with it. I have a lot of close friends and I'm fairly comfortable with it myself. Some people are just huggy touchy people I happen to be one of them too.


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## chicken legs (Jan 15, 2010)

I come from a non huggy family. However, in my twenties, I learned to give and received hugs from my Spanish, Italian, and Asian friends.


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## cinnamitch (Jan 15, 2010)

RJI said:


> I hug it out all the time. Many of my male friends are Italian and African American so i guess i just got used to them always being huggy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well gee thanks for that. No wonder we don't hug, we get called homophobes by people we dont even know


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## aaronoshea (Jan 15, 2010)

Hand shaker and hugger here. Have met some guys who don't even want to shake hands, which puts me off totally. I spent the rest of our interaction being painfully aware that there has been no touch and self-conscious that I might 'accidentally' put my hand on his shoulder or arm (VERY natural for me to do with anyone).

I've also discovered that my natural 'boundaries' are almost non-existent. Standing right up next to someone does not even occur to me as being unusual. But then there are those who wish to 'retain their perimeters' at all times and try to step away. I always try and read someone before engaging and usually this is an easy task for me, and I never try and 'force' myself on anyone. But it does take a lot of the naturalness out of an interaction when I have to pay so much attention to someone's aversion to what seems the most natural thing in the world.


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## stldpn (Jan 15, 2010)

cinnamitch said:


> Well gee thanks for that. No wonder we don't hug, we get called homophobes by people we dont even know



Umm yeah... I think it's less the homophobia and more about being a bit more clingy with conservative customs of greeting. I.E. not everyone is comfortable hugging so we don't assume anything.


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## thatgirl08 (Jan 15, 2010)

My extended family always hugs upon greeting and depature.. I hate it. I think it's because I don't feel close with them so it's awkward. I like hugging close friends and relatives but I'm generally uncomfortable with strangers being that close to me.


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## stldpn (Jan 15, 2010)

aaronoshea said:


> Hand shaker and hugger here. Have met some guys who don't even want to shake hands, which puts me off totally. I spent the rest of our interaction being painfully aware that there has been no touch and self-conscious that I might 'accidentally' put my hand on his shoulder or arm (VERY natural for me to do with anyone).
> 
> I've also discovered that my natural 'boundaries' are almost non-existent. Standing right up next to someone does not even occur to me as being unusual. But then there are those who wish to 'retain their perimeters' at all times and try to step away. I always try and read someone before engaging and usually this is an easy task for me, and I never try and 'force' myself on anyone. But it does take a lot of the naturalness out of an interaction when I have to pay so much attention to someone's aversion to what seems the most natural thing in the world.



I'm also wondering if the southern custom of standing farther away has something to do with the habit of wearing wool suits in a warm climate? Some cultures are very at ease when it comes to body odor. But sweat soaked wool that has been allowed to dry that's a special kind of funk.


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## bigbri (Jan 15, 2010)

I am from a non-hugger upbringing. I was introduced to "huggers" by my wife, who is a member of Mensa. Many Mensans grow up feeling separated from their peers because of their intelligence or have suffered taunts because of their geekiness, so when they meet each other they want to show mutual acceptance by hugging. I am not a member, but when I attend an event, I do end up hugging many of the people when we are introduced. There is a protocal that if the person you meet has a nametag with a red colored sticker, they happen to be a Mensan that either does not hug or would like to be asked first. I have found after ten years of exposure to that environment, I am much more apt to hug members of my family when we meet than I was before. I can appreciate the platonic side of a hug now, rather than thinking of it as always being romantic.


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## thatgirl08 (Jan 15, 2010)

bigbri said:


> I am from a non-hugger upbringing. I was introduced to "huggers" by my wife, who is a member of Mensa. Many Mensans grow up feeling separated from their peers because of their intelligence or have suffered taunts because of their geekiness, so when they meet each other they want to show mutual acceptance by hugging. I am not a member, but when I attend an event, I do end up hugging many of the people when we are introduced. There is a protocal that if the person you meet has a nametag with a red colored sticker, they happen to be a Mensan that either does not hug or would like to be asked first. I have found after ten years of exposure to that environment, I am much more apt to hug members of my family when we meet than I was before. I can appreciate the platonic side of a hug now, rather than thinking of it as always being romantic.



That's really interesting about the Mensans. I used to aspire to be part of Mensa when I was a child.. hilarious to me now as those people are like geniuses.


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## bigbri (Jan 15, 2010)

A high IQ does not necessarily guarantee genius. The concentration of people who could not find their own "behind" with their two hands and a flashlight is frequently greater at a Mensa event than other social situations.


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## Surlysomething (Jan 15, 2010)

We have a very huggy family. I didn't like it for quite a while when our family's first melded together, but now it's one of the best parts of being a family. Some days you really need to 'feel' love, you know?


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## thatgirl08 (Jan 15, 2010)

bigbri said:


> A high IQ does not necessarily guarantee genius. The concentration of people who could not find their own "behind" with their two hands and a flashlight is frequently greater at a Mensa event than other social situations.



lol, I've heard that before.


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## likeitmatters (Jan 15, 2010)

stldpn said:


> I'm not a huggy person. It's not that I haven't tried, it's just that it has always made me feel uncomfortable. I'm a snuggler but not a hugger.



I maybe accused of being a huggy and snuggler and truly blessed I guess. Though when I was younger I would not hug my father because I was living up and growing up on long island new york.

I came to enjoy hugging my father later on in life and I feel truly blessed to tell my father that I loved him very much and hugged and kissed him and that he was truly the best father bar none and my mom the best...if you go to the gay part of this lovely website, see the stories of a gay man coming out and you will see my story and it is beyond belief how wonderful my life turned out.

:bow::bow:


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## NYC_FFA (Jan 15, 2010)

I'm a hugger, but I know not everyone is, so I'm always really hesitant. I wait to get a cue from the other person that it's okay. I love hugs, though. There are few things in the world that feel as good as a good hug. :happy:


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## squurp (Jan 15, 2010)

likeitmatters said:


> I come from a very huggy type family and I grew up with the notion that it was quite normal to hug man women and children and being italian it was quite normal. Now that I am living down in south carolina for many years(good luck new york), I have noticed something over the years which sort of disturbs me somewhat. When family members see each other, they rarely hug or even kiss on the cheek(that is normal for me too) and I do not understand that at all.
> 
> To me a hug is a hug and not meant to be sexual at all or am I am from another time and place? I have a new roommate living with me and he is totally straight(thank god) no drama or requests for sex and he works but that is another matter. And every night he walks in he gives me a hug to know he is glad to be home.
> 
> ...



People are different everywhere if you want to hug, hug! if people get uptight about it, its their problem. I have one side of my family that is warm and huggy, and that's fine. The other side is much more detached, and, they are ok too - they express in other more subtle ways. to each their own. You are not wrong to hug.


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## WillSpark (Jan 16, 2010)

I'm really big on the hugging. When I do, I offer, arms outstretched. They can accept of deny and we continue, but I've been told I give the world's best hugs. 

I'm also just all around touchy-feely. My friend and I poke each other, pick each other up, piggy back rides, the whole shebang. The majority of us are in theater and are overly energetic, emotional, and expressive anyway so it manifests itself into fun platonic physical interaction.


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## lovelocs (Jan 19, 2010)

I like a hug, and LIM, I'm glad you have a huggy roomate. I'm also glad you have someone cool to be with after suffering so much loss. Sometimes just not being alone is a blessing... 

Strangely enough, I've never thought of hugs as sexual. Maybe because I grew up hugging relatives. Kinda killed off the eroticism. When I hug a lover, I always see it as a preliminary...

Lastly, if you're unsure as to whether someone wants a hug, you could always open your arms and smile at them. If they fall in and hug back, you're golden!


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## IszyStone (Jan 20, 2010)

WillSpark said:


> I'm also just all around touchy-feely. My friend and I poke each other, pick each other up, piggy back rides, the whole shebang. The majority of us are in theater and are overly energetic, emotional, and expressive anyway so it manifests itself into fun platonic physical interaction.



That sounds just like me and my friends.  Yay overly energetic people

As a cultural thing it's very common in polynesia. Back in the day, and still in places like New Zealand, the traditional greeting was a nose to nose sharing of breath. Very personal. Now it's pretty accepted here that when it's male/female greeting it's a kiss on the cheek, female/female is the same, and male/male is that hug/handshake thing. For my family I love to hug them, but my brother doesn't like it so it usually ends up as a hug-shove-arm punch. My cat also doesn't like that I'm a hugger, she's an antisocial kitty.


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## Ninja Glutton (Jan 20, 2010)

I always go in for the hug. There's something so innocent about it. I hug both my male and female friends.

I'd say it's perfectly PC unless it's like a random stranger on the street.


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## DreamyInToronto (Jan 20, 2010)

likeitmatters said:


> I come from a very huggy type family and I grew up with the notion that it was quite normal to hug man women and children and being italian it was quite normal. Now that I am living down in south carolina for many years(good luck new york), I have noticed something over the years which sort of disturbs me somewhat. When family members see each other, they rarely hug or even kiss on the cheek(that is normal for me too) and I do not understand that at all.
> 
> To me a hug is a hug and not meant to be sexual at all or am I am from another time and place? I have a new roommate living with me and he is totally straight(thank god) no drama or requests for sex and he works but that is another matter. And every night he walks in he gives me a hug to know he is glad to be home.
> 
> ...



likeitmatters, I would be honoured to meet you one day and I would certainly give you a big hug and a kiss on the cheek!!! xoxo Maybe we will meet one day at a Dimensions event! 

Cheers,
DreamyInToronto xoxo


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## MaybeX (Jan 20, 2010)

Didn't grow up in a huggy or demonstrative family, and used to be quite hesitant about it in my younger days.
I've become much more open and tactile as I've matured, but generally still sorta need an indication that a hug (or kiss) is wanted.


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## likeitmatters (Jan 23, 2010)

To me guys and dolls, a hug is a hug and I personally cannot understand why somebody would not want a hug. A hug brings us humans closer to each other at least in my humble opinion. I tell everybody I meet that I am a hugger and I tell them that a hug is a hug and nothing more. I love to feel the energy of the person I am hugging and gives me a warm and snuggly feeling.

My roommate is straight and he actually loves when I hug him and I sometimes dont let him go for a few minutes...it gives ya a sense of being wanted and feel better the whole day....


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## toni (Jan 23, 2010)

likeitmatters said:


> To me guys and dolls, a hug is a hug and I personally cannot understand why somebody would not want a hug. A hug brings us humans closer to each other at least in my humble opinion.



Thats cool. I can jive with that whole kumbaya thing. I just don't want to do it with everyone. I think a hug is much more special when reserved ONLY for the people we love. Not every single person or family member you come in contact with.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Jan 27, 2010)

We, as a people, are very touchy and affectionate. Mexican's that is.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Jan 28, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> We, as a people, are very touchy and affectionate. Mexican's that is.



Quoted for truth...I really don't think I've been around many other groups as touch or affectionate as my Mexican friends.


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## Laura2008 (Jan 28, 2010)

Melian said:


> In general, as long as the person is not repulsive in some way, I have no problem with receiving a random hug.



I love this! This is my feelings exactly.


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## viracocha (Jan 29, 2010)

I thought this link might be appreciated here.
http://blog.taragana.com/sports/201...orld-record-for-hugs-at-winter-x-games-70157/

I definitely couldn't do it. I'm not anti-hug, but I don't really enjoy the utilitarian I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever hugs. Genuine and heartfelt hugs are great!


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## Paquito (Jan 29, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> We, as a people, are very touchy and affectionate. Mexican's that is.



Truth. We've had outsiders suffocated at family reunions from all the hugging. It's not for the faint of heart.


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## iheartsquishys (Jan 30, 2010)

I'm glad someone brought this up. I grew up in Iowa where you don't even ask a stranger how they're doing. Its a little bit invasive. Now living in New Orleans, its like a different planet. My family is a very huggy affectionate family but not with people we barely know. Acquaintances I see once/year will give me a kiss when I see them down here. My autism doesn't help much. I'm very affectionate with my betrothed but I'm also very attached to my space bubble. My future in-laws are all about the hug and a kiss on the cheek. I never know what to do during this and I screw it up every time. I'm uncomfortable with it but I know I have to suck it up, I just can't get the hang of it. I have fine motor skills problem and having a moving target with a mind of its own doesn't help, neither does the fact that I'm a little distracted by the cement truck in my stomach and my skin being ripped away from my bones . Any tips on this? Do you hug with one arm during this? Is the hug and kiss simultaneous? Do you hold their upper arms or actually hug? I know the kiss is actually just cheeks together and making a kissing sound but that is as much as I've figured out. Its so much easier with the squishys. You just mush yourself into them and it is nice. I don't know what to do with these other people.


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## Wanderer (Feb 1, 2010)

cinnamitch said:


> In the south we aren't all huggy and kissy, unless you are a child or granny. We compensate by calling everyone hun or darlin.



I can vouch for this. In my family growing up, hugs were like good china: Only for special occasions.

And then I was born.  I LOVE hugs! Heck, I love physical contact in every way I've tried it. (And while I'm still a virgin, yes, some of the contact was "down there".)


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## likeitmatters (Mar 28, 2010)

Jes said:


> I'm not sure I get your question. You're saying no one hugs where you are now, but your straight male roommate hugs you every day which, personally, I find pretty weird. So either there's non-sexual hugging there or there isn't... Can you maybe explain further? Thanks.




I give my roommate a hug in the morning before he goes to work and when he comes home. and like I said, a hug is just a hug and nothing more.....


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## Zowie (Mar 28, 2010)

I immediately like anyone who offers a hug or wants to be hugged. I don't know, it's how I grew up. You see someone you know (well), you hug them. 

And I don't know about this, but the french-canadians do a double kiss when they meet. I remember being at a wedding and meeting the brother of the bride, who was raised American, and he was totally weirded out by the kisses. But it's basically the same as a handshake to anyone who does know it.


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## Esther (Mar 28, 2010)

My family wasn't really into hugs unless there was some sort of occasion (good or bad). Probably as a result, I rarely hug anyone besides my elderly relatives. I don't mind accepting hugs, really, but it has to be within reason. My friends when I haven't seen them in a long time? Sure. Someone I've just met and had a really great time with? Absolutely. My boyfriend's elderly extended family? Of course. However... when someone I don't know that well, or someone I never really warmed up to forces one on me, I find it totally off-putting. I rarely ever see my boyfriend's cousin's boyfriend, for example (that's a bit convoluted but there's no other way to put it really) but every time he sees me he gives me a really awkward hug and a weird, weird kiss on the cheek. It actually makes me nervous when I see him because I know he's going to do it. I know he's just trying to be nice but I feel like saying, "I get that we're both dating people from this traditional Italian family... but YOU'RE not Italian, and I'M not Italian... so let's not, okay?"


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## Esther (Mar 28, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> And I don't know about this, but the french-canadians do a double kiss when they meet. I remember being at a wedding and meeting the brother of the bride, who was raised American, and he was totally weirded out by the kisses. But it's basically the same as a handshake to anyone who does know it.



My boyfriend's family does that double kiss (in the air, on either side of your face) when they are really fired up at special occasions. I don't mind it from them because I know it's just what they do.


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## theronin23 (Mar 28, 2010)

I come from a huggy family. Honestly, when I see a friend, I want to hug them. Hugging is not an awkward thing for me. I hug my mom (of course), brothers, and my dad.

For instance, yesterday, I hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in six months. We meet up, first thing, big hug. Met his g/f for this first time then, being as it was a first meeting, I just shook her hand.

When we parted ways after hanging out all day, gave him a hug, and his girl came in for a hug. That actually made me feel really good, it was like, acceptance and shit. 

My only PROBLEM with hugs, is that I hold back on them, because I don't want to hurt people. And sometimes, when you hold back on a hug, it kind hurts a little physically. Like a pulled punch can do more damage to you than to the person you're punching.

Never done the whole kiss on the cheek thing, but I don't think it would be awkward for me.


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## Zowie (Mar 28, 2010)

theronin23 said:


> My only PROBLEM with hugs, is that I hold back on them, because I don't want to hurt people. And sometimes, when you hold back on a hug, it kind hurts a little physically. Like a pulled punch can do more damage to you than to the person you're punching.



NEVER hold back a hug  It's the worst feeling in the world, for both people. Tough luck if they get squashed, there should always be a good, decent hug.

I generally just hang off people's necks.


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## theronin23 (Mar 28, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> NEVER hold back a hug  It's the worst feeling in the world, for both people. Tough luck if they get squashed, there should always be a good, decent hug.
> 
> I generally just hang off people's necks.



I'll keep that in mind, and put it into practice in the future.

I'm generally a full body hugger lol.


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## Tyrael (Mar 29, 2010)

Rarely getting hugs, even rarer giving em


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## likeitmatters (Mar 30, 2010)

now that I have 5 baby kittens, every morning I give them a hug and a kiss while under the watchful eye of their mommy and let them know they are loved and wanted. ofcourse they want to go back feeding or sucking on mommies nipples or just roll around...lol


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## ~da rev~ (Mar 30, 2010)

I'm a pro hugger. I've also advanced the practice to reverse hugging, which is being back to back with another person and hugging yourself. It can involve as many people as you want. Not nearly as satisfying as a group hug.


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## LovesBigMen (Mar 31, 2010)

People as friends new me not to give hugs know I regret it, so know try to hug more people esspecially BHM :blush:
And family is different we always hugged we are a huggable family.


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## Tyrael (Mar 31, 2010)

i feel like:







and i never killed some1


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