# I miss my wifes added curves and weight!



## voluptuouslover (Dec 17, 2007)

Several years back, my wife and I had 3 wonderful babies one right after the other and her 5' 3" or so slightly curvy figure filled out beautifully in all proportions (somewhat of a pear figure wide hips, love handles, large thighs, large lower belly roll with very large breasts and narrower shoulders.) I finally had my dream of my very attractive once workout queen wife softening and fattening up for good I hoped. 

She went from 125 lbs. to 180 + lbs. after the birth of our third child and extremely slowly shedded more lbs. in the first year and a half after her last delivery. Even when she went back to the gym she really did not lose the weight easily so she stopped working out so aggressively and stayed around 165 + lbs. close to two years after the last delivery. Which I was fully content with.

She knows how much I love her with a fuller figure but for some reason society makes her mind up and she thinks I am crazy to like her "Horribly FAT" as she calls it. Little does she know I would love to see her 200 + lbs. or way more even though I know that would never happen. She continued to slowly lose weight and obviously got applause from her friends and everyone even though our sex life definitely was'nt the same. (She was much more passionate and sexual with her extra weight as well as I was with her weight too! Even though she was embarrased about her fatter figure in front of her friends, she was not shy with with her added lbs. in the bedroom. It seems she got most frusterated around me when she was heavier when she tried to fit into some jeans or a skirt and would get totally frusterated and it would turn into and evil mood. )

She finally got down to 135 lbs. or so with me being very much bummed about it. I did not even know she weighed 135 lbs. untill I had her step on a scale (something I would not dare do when she was heavier for fear she would diet) at a hotel one night on vacation and she complained that she had gained weight. I was shocked, "she gained weight" and she was at 135 lbs. I went into a slight depression over this on the trip. I have voiced my opinions many times about how I would love for her to fill out her figure a little more than it currently is with out much success. She will gain 2-3 lbs. from eating more sweets and lack of some workouts and act totally disgusted because she has to squeeze into her jeans, where I am excited just to see the modest of gains these days.

We recently came home from back to back vacations 15 + days away and I have noticed she has certainly gained more than her 2-3 lbs. I would say she has almost gained a good 10 lbs. and she is looking so extremely breathtaking to me I can hardly keep my hands off of her new curves. I am so excited but at the same time concerned she will lose this weight over the next month and we will be back to the smaller very skinny in my eyes wife of mine.

I can't even imagine her losing this weight, I actually want her to be back at 165 lbs. at least. I am on a frusterating roller coaster of emotions over the last 4 years. I find myself dreaming of her gaining weight and instead it never happens, so I find myself looking at other full figured heavier women in public settings and wishing my wife would weigh as much as them.

Worse yet, I find myself being even more attracted to even heavier figured women compared to what I used to. She knows I like fuller figures on women but I believe she thinks of it as much slighter than actually is the case.
However I find women in the ssbbw range attractive which she probably think's I like women jsut a little fuller figured. I do however believe that if she was 165 lbs. I would be very excited and happy/ content.

How can I get her to not only keep this extra 10 lbs. but have her pack on 20+ more lbs. and love it maybe not as much as me but love it for me?
We are differant types of personalities, In a joking playfull conversation I have asked her to gain weight for a fuller figure and I would do anything she wanted me to (I lift weights and have a muscular football player build but not exactly a six pack for abs anymore.) "I asked her if she wanted me to get cut and lean up with full abs" for her if she gained weight for me, and she said I could stand to lose a little fat in my belly in a joking manner but she did not commit to anything. So over the next 2 months I leaned up and had my abs showing noticeably more and she actually seemed to lose a little bit of weight. 

So what can I do to have my wife gain weight and stay on that path, because I feel it is starting to put a strain on my sexual desire for her. For example even with this extra 10 lbs. I can't take my hands or eyes off of her lately, I do feel if she ends up losing this weight she just gained I will be totally bummed and feel like I am missing out on having what I envision as a more fulfilling experience with my wife. I know this is all on me, but I crave the extra weight on her that was once there and I don't think I can ever let this go, I want her but I NEED her fatter!!! 

I know many of you have been here and understand, so any helpful advice would be great! This is me I am built this way and I can't help but put myself in situations I hear and see all the time but only with my wife. 
For example A friend from work's wife is continually gaining weight and look's great every time I see her she has put on more weight and he is constantly telling her she needs to lose weight and diet. The next time I see her she is bigger yet. (Why can't this be my wife?)

I can't tell you how amazing it was when my wife had her fuller figure. I was in a dream I was so fulfilled with her physically, sexually and mentally. She was more relaxed and happy seeming except for certain times when she had her fat moments.

I am rambling, so any good thoughts on how to have my wife fatten up and actually see thing's the way I do?


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## Foolish Fool (Dec 17, 2007)

*runs and hides from the approaching firestorm*


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## Totmacher (Dec 17, 2007)

Yeah, if you can think of things other'n brainwashing, electroshock, and drugs I'm all ears. Unforunately opinions like this are sort've like genitalia: everyone has 'em, women's are pretty deap-seated, and they're not easy to change without counselling and surgery. I'd reccomend you just keep making your preferences known and try not to be a bear about it. It's her body and if she really wants to shove it into those old ratty jeans there's very little that you can do about it.


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## love dubh (Dec 17, 2007)

What you wrote to us? Write it to her in a letter. Clean it up a bit, but the emotion and passion is there. She should see this, and you two need to have a long chat about this situation. No number of anonymous Internet folk will give you the answer you want; only a conversation with your wife can yield that.


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## Placebo (Dec 17, 2007)

Totmacher said:


> Yeah, if you can think of things other'n brainwashing, electroshock, and drugs I'm all ears.



Frontal lobotomy. :blink:


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## MisterGuy (Dec 18, 2007)

Totmacher said:


> Yeah, if you can think of things other'n brainwashing, electroshock, and drugs I'm all ears. Unforunately opinions like this are sort've like genitalia: everyone has 'em, women's are pretty deap-seated, and they're not easy to change without counselling and surgery. I'd reccomend you just keep making your preferences known and try not to be a bear about it. It's her body and if she really wants to shove it into those old ratty jeans there's very little that you can do about it.



So true. My ex goes about 170-180. Not fat by Dimensions standards, but she had a terrible body image and sexual self-esteem b/c of her weight. Four years of compliments by me (I loved her body) had no discernible effect on her state of mind. It's my considered opinion that when you tell a woman you like her body how it is, or heavier, they tend to automatically write it off as you "just being nice," since society has so thoroughly enculturated in them the idea that fatness is universally repulsive.


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## GordoNegro (Dec 18, 2007)

Be honest, tread carefully and don't be surprised of the corner to be placed in should an ultimatum be sent your way.
I was always told that its better to tell her an give her a choice etc. than to let things manifest inside and reveal itself in other ways etc.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

If having an obese woman in your bed is the be all and end all for you, as it seems to be, why did you marry a 125 pound "workout queen"?

According to your post, your moods and sexual desire for your wife are actually tied into ten pounds here or there. That sucks for both of you, and candidly (assuming you are not a troll) it would suck to be married to a man who never STFU about weight and how she always needs to change for you. If you'd actually go into a depression over ten pounds, maybe you should just get divorced since it's THAT big of a deal to you.


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## k1009 (Dec 18, 2007)

Why did you marry a thin woman if you like fat women? Did you think that "slightly curvy" meant she'd get fat if you got her pregnant and fed her a whole bunch of food? I don't get it.

Either you love someone enough to look past their perceived flaws - and clearly you loved her enough to marry your wife - or you can't deal with that stuff and should get a divorce to make both of you happy. Could be expensive what with alimony and child support; guess you should have thought of that before marrying a woman who prefers being thin.

What made me lol was the part about you toning up for her. I mean, she obviously prefers you more buff but didn't say anything about it. Maybe she knows from your disaproval of her weight loss how bad it feels when someone who's supposed to care disparages your figure just because it's not to their taste. 

And depression over weight loss? Sheesh. I like my men toned and tanned but I don't think I'd ever get depressed because of a change in physique. Emo much?

I guess I just don't understand how someone can marry a relatively slim women and become prissy when the woman doesn't become the dream fatty. You say you could be happy with a slightly heavier wife but you're also finding your fat preferences increasing? Eh. It's no different than the man who marries a fat woman and expects her to diet down to the skinny minnie of his dreams. Just not fair to either party, but especially to the poor woman.


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## exile in thighville (Dec 18, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> If having an obese woman in your bed is the be all and end all for you, as it seems to be, why did you marry a 125 pound "workout queen"?



O T M


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> O T M



What does OTM mean?


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## Tad (Dec 18, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> What does OTM mean?



I was wondering that too. Googling only got me this list: http://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/OTM

Of all of it, outbound telemarketing seemed most relevant to the thread topic....

To the original poster: The short answer is: you can't.

Believe me, you are far-far-far from the first FA who has been in this situation. I once ran a yahoo group called FA-husbands, and this was the most common topic of conversation. It seems a lot of FA get themselves into this situation.

The slightly longer answer is: Should she please you, or please herself? As a general rule, asking your partner, in any area, to please you when that directly displeases them self, is relationship nitroglycerin. It is not stable, and sooner or later it is almost sure to explode. Experience of many-many-many people seems to say that if someone does not perceive being fat to be sexy now, the odds of them ever changing to perceive it that way is very low. So she's probably never going to prefer being fat.

So look at it this way, say your wife told you that really, she's more attracted to women. She knows you can never become the woman of her dreams, but she doesn't want to leave you. So would you start wearing some women's clothes? And say you did wear panties on vacation, to please her. Afterwards you want to go back to your normal, but she says "well since you did that, could you start wearing women's pants, they aren't that obviously different, I doubt it would draw much attention to you.... Now, a few guys would be thrilled, it is what they've always wanted. A few more would not mind at all, and could come to get into it, even if they had not previously been interested in cross dressing. The vast majority though, no, never going to appeal to them, and being constantly asked to do so is going to drive them crazy.

So does it suck when your libido is going more and more one way, and she's going more and more the other? Yep, big time. Are any of your choices especially appealing? Nope, not really. So I suggest focus on enjoying family life, and accept that your sex life is probably in for a long, rocky, road for the next while, until either your fantasies and desires change, or her goals and desires for herself change.

Best of luck with it.

-Ed


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## Wagimawr (Dec 18, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> What does OTM mean?





edx said:


> I was wondering that too. Googling only got me this list: http://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/OTM
> 
> Of all of it, outbound telemarketing seemed most relevant to the thread topic....





> OTM On the Mark


How's that fit?


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## tjw1971 (Dec 18, 2007)

I went through this whole thing myself. When I met my wife, I found her very attractive, but knew she was a lot thinner than the body type I usually preferred. At the time though, I found out she was skipping a lot of meals and basically going out of her way to stay thin - under the notion that no guy would find her attractive otherwise.

I was pretty confident that since we "clicked" in so many other ways, it was just a matter of time before she'd decide I really was serious about staying with her, and she didn't have to do the "dieting act" anymore out of some misguided fear of being alone otherwise.

Unfortunately, I got a really "mixed" reaction from her. At one point, she gained quite a bit of weight (some intentionally), but I became worried when it seemed she wasn't really happy about it - and felt it was some sort of "concession" she made just to make ME happy. In the long run, it seems her weight gain was sort of an experiment on her part, to see if she could learn to be happy with it -- and she decided she couldn't. But then, she wasn't really willing to put forth the effort to lose it again - so she just went around complaining about it instead. 

A lot of other things ended up going wrong with our marriage, and we're divorced now. The weight issue really was a very minor factor in that (if it was one at all), but it probably did reflect on the bigger issue of her outlook on life and willingness to be open-minded, etc. etc.

I don't claim to have "the answers" really. But I do think a marriage really can't count on "physical looks" as a valid type of "glue" to help hold it together. Looks are just part of the initial "spark" of attraction that gets 2 people together, and keeps them interested through that whole "courtship phase". Most people change with age and don't look much like they looked when they first got married. Likewise, many people don't stay the same size throughout a marriage either.




k1009 said:


> Why did you marry a thin woman if you like fat women? Did you think that "slightly curvy" meant she'd get fat if you got her pregnant and fed her a whole bunch of food? I don't get it.
> 
> Either you love someone enough to look past their perceived flaws - and clearly you loved her enough to marry your wife - or you can't deal with that stuff and should get a divorce to make both of you happy. Could be expensive what with alimony and child support; guess you should have thought of that before marrying a woman who prefers being thin.
> 
> ...


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 18, 2007)

MisterGuy said:


> So true. My ex goes about 170-180. Not fat by Dimensions standards, but she had a terrible body image and sexual self-esteem b/c of her weight. *Four years of compliments by me (I loved her body) had no discernible effect on her state of mind*. It's my considered opinion that when you tell a woman you like her body how it is, or heavier, they tend to automatically write it off as you "just being nice," since society has so thoroughly enculturated in them the idea that fatness is universally repulsive.



MisterGuy, not directed at you personally ... just something I picked out of your post. The part that I highlighted above ... one of my biggest pet peeves ... people thinking that compliments and expressions of desire can somehow change someone else's self-esteem. That's really presuming a lot, isn't it? 

To the OP: Your wife has to be comfortable with the body that she's in. Apparently, she's not happy with the extra weight. Your choice becomes: Can you live with it? If not, then eventually, you'll have to make that clear to her, and move on.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> MisterGuy, not directed at you personally ... just something I picked out of your post. The part that I highlighted above ... one of my biggest pet peeves ... people thinking that compliments and expressions of desire can somehow change someone else's self-esteem. That's really presuming a lot, isn't it?
> 
> To the OP: Your wife has to be comfortable with the body that she's in. Apparently, she's not happy with the extra weight. Your choice becomes: Can you live with it? If not, then eventually, you'll have to make that clear to her, and move on.



Also not directed at anyone in particular, but I think lots of women find it really annoying and insulting when men say things like "Why won't she just listen to me when I tell her _______ ?" It's almost as if you can't deal with the fact that there really is not a right or wrong answer, just a difference of opinions. Beauty is subjective, so is size. What she considers too big or just right or too small might just not be in line with what you consider the "right" size.

And on that note, it's also amazingly annoying when men write off women's choices to lose weight as merely being slaves to society. I just cringe whenever I read things along the lines of "she gave into society and lost weight". Sure people are influenced by friends and family and the media, but please give us some credit for being able to make up our own minds, have our own opinions, and make choices based on what makes us happiest. If it goes against some FA's notion of what's appealing, that does not mean the woman in question is just some brainwashed sheep who can't think for herself and if she could ONLY break free of that, she's weigh 500 pounds.


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## love dubh (Dec 18, 2007)

So why is caving in to your desires any different than "caving in to society's"? 

Don't hurt yourself. I'll answer for you: IT ISN'T. You're not liberating her; you're entrapping her in a new set of requirements and a new standard at which to keep her body for your pleasure.

To echo LovesBHMs, you have no idea why she wants to keep fit. You know there are people who actually enjoy physical fitness, eating healthy, etc., and enjoy the physical results? What a novel idea! I happen to be one of them.

eta: what's with this amorphous "society" bs? You and everyone you know make up society. Want to change it? Start changing some minds.

*headdesk*


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

love dubh said:


> So why is caving in to your desires any different than "caving in to society's"?
> 
> Don't hurt yourself. I'll answer for you: IT ISN'T. You're not liberating her; you're entrapping her in a new set of requirements and a new standard at which to keep her body for your pleasure.
> 
> To echo LovesBHMs, you have no idea why she wants to keep fit. You know there are people who actually enjoy physical fitness, eating healthy, etc., and enjoy the physical results? What a novel idea! I happen to be one of them.



You could just be a sheep and not realize it. Have you looked in the mirror lately?


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## love dubh (Dec 18, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> You could just be a sheep and not realize it. Have you looked in the mirror lately?



I can't seem to stand on my hindquarters anymore. That, and my eyes have shifted to the sides of my head. I also have this weird skin disorder now; I appear to be sprouting wool. But damn is my six pack a thing to be reckoned with! Think I should see a doctor?

Also: You're on to something, Sherlock. Obvious troll is becoming obvious.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

love dubh said:


> I can't seem to stand on my hindquarters anymore. That, and my eyes have shifted to the sides of my head. I also have this weird skin disorder now; I appear to be sprouting wool. But damn is my six pack a thing to be reckoned with! Think I should see a doctor?



A veterinarian?

Baaaaaah.


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## exile in thighville (Dec 18, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> How's that fit?



Yeah, sorry about that, I've grown accustomed using it elsewhere. It means On the Money. It's an addictive phrase.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> Yeah, sorry about that, I've grown accustomed using it elsewhere. It means On the Money. It's an addictive phrase.



That's short for "thank you."

And one way I tend to think you can spot trolls is when they make like one post to start a thread like this and then never reappear. Also when their only OTHER post is about an ex girlfriend who started out skinny and then gained a bunch of weight. Funny how some FA's only date skinny chicks who then pork up.


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## Jes (Dec 18, 2007)

voluptuouslover said:


> . I was in a dream I was so fulfilled with her physically, sexually and mentally. ?



This is a really telling line in your story, for me. You're talking about how YOU felt with her body--what it did for YOU. It obviously doesn't do the same thing for her.

You thinking that it DID do that for her (where you say she SEEMED more happy and relaxed) doesn't really sound right, based on the throughline of your tale, which is she she feels good and attractive at a certain weight and not above that. 

If you were so turned on by her when you married her at her weight of 125 lbs, can you not be happy with that again?

I totally understand using the internet as a place to vent, and certainly, other people who like fat partners have been in your boat before, but I do think that Love's idea of writing everything down and giving it to her would be a good approach. I understand that you feel you need what is most satisfying to you. That might not be your wife. She also needs to have what's most satisfying to her, and that might well be someone who respects how she feels about herself more than, or at least as much as, he respects his own preferences.

The arc of sexuality changes over most relationships. COuples often start having sex less. Maybe you can live with a depressed libido. It's not the end of the world. Sexually speaking, I preferred it when my guy could go a solid 4 times in 3 or 4 hours--but none of us is a spring chicken anymore (except that I am. You know how we women begin to hit our peaks now. It's a wonder any of us stays with Mr. 45 instead of going for Mr. 19, at least in the sack. haha). 

At the very least, she deserves your honesty--but no ultimatums.


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## Jes (Dec 18, 2007)

tjw1971 said:


> The weight issue really was a very minor factor in that (if it was one at all), but it probably did reflect on the bigger issue of her outlook on life and willingness to be open-minded, etc. etc.
> 
> .



IN what ways was her willingness to be open minded limited?


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## love dubh (Dec 18, 2007)

Jes said:


> IN what ways was her willingness to be open minded limited?



It's limited because she won't gain 100lbs. Her mind is stunted by society, apparently. You know how women can't think for themselves. Even now these words are being dictated to me by Steven Hawking.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 18, 2007)

love dubh said:


> It's limited because she won't gain 100lbs. Her mind is stunted by society, apparently. You know how women can't think for themselves. Even now these words are being dictated to me by Steven Hawking.



Letting society dictate your size makes you a brainwashed sheep.

Letting a man dictate your size makes you open minded and independent.

BTW, *all* women truly, deeply, secretly wish they could just let themselves go and weigh 500 pounds. The only reason we don't is all the brainwashing.


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## Jes (Dec 18, 2007)

the hawking line made me snort. well played, sir. well played.

but my point to TJW was genuine--i know he's not hte OP but I was curious about what sorts of things his ex wasn't open minded about. I actually assumed it wasn't weight, as he clearly told us she gained, never liked it, but lived with it. So I'm assuming her mind was quite open to that--but what sorts of things were more of a problem?


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## Adrian (Dec 19, 2007)

I am sorry to read of your plight. Unfortunately, I have encountered couples on both ends of the problem. I know a couple of guys who like me like women of size.
1) A friend married a MS-BBW (dress size #14-16) but, that is as large as he can found a woman attractive. After two pregnancies the wife had gained weight and wore a size #22-24, and he was turned off by her size. Their marriage floundered for about six years when she realized that their marriage was not going to get better until she lost a significant amount of weight. So with a super effort knowing her marriage was on the line so lost weight and got down to a size #12. They have a good marriage ever since. Her weight was a problem he really could not deal with and the marriage would not remain viable as long as her weight was up. They had another child after the weight loss and her weight came back down afterwards. They are married thirty-nine year and have been happy since then.
2) Another friend married a BBW but, he loved BBWs. With pregnancies she grew and after three children she was a SSBBW. She hated her size but, he discovered that he loved SSBBWs more than BBWs! She underwent intestinal bypass surgery and became a MS-BBW. She finally realized that their marriage was floundering and would fail if she remained an MS-BBW. She gain weight back to her size when she got married, which was about the mid-point between her low weight and her highest weight, around a size #24.
There are some men that eventually, the issue of weight can destroy their marriage. It doesn't make them any worst than any other man, just different.

Adrian


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## mossystate (Dec 19, 2007)

Adrian, I don't think those were really two different stories. In both, the woman is the person to step up and change her body, or fear the loss of her relationship. I don't know, I guess it is just that I see so much of this be very, very one sided.


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## Fascinita (Dec 19, 2007)

Is there a bot that comes around to Dimensions periodically to leave variations of these suspiciously similar tales of woe about men who marry workout queens, who proceed to get fat and then to lose weight, and to gain back fifteen lbs, and then to lose that, and then the husband gets depressed because he really loves fat, even though he married a skinny workout queen, who never gets really fat, really, only into mid-fattie range, if that, and then the husband is drowning in a sea of despair because, well, he just wants his curves back, and he's even thinking about cheating, but he loves his wife more she loves herself, and he's really between a rock and a hard place, and Rainer Maria Rilke's angsty poems?

Is there such a bot?

Is this too cynical a question? I really want to know.


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## Santaclear (Dec 19, 2007)

Yes, there is a bot. Very ruff for bots out here. :bow: The bot is hot! :smitten:


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## Fascinita (Dec 19, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Yes, there is a bot. Very ruff for bots out here. :bow: The bot is hot! :smitten:



Not that ruff, apparently.

Yes, many bots are hot. I won't quibble with you there.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 19, 2007)

Fascinita said:


> Is there a bot that comes around to Dimensions periodically to leave variations of these suspiciously similar tales of woe about men who marry workout queens, who proceed to get fat and then to lose weight, and to gain back fifteen lbs, and then to lose that, and then the husband gets depressed because he really loves fat, even though he married a skinny workout queen, who never gets really fat, really, only into mid-fattie range, if that, and then the husband is drowning in a sea of despair because, well, he just wants his curves back, and he's even thinking about cheating, but he loves his wife more she loves herself, and he's really between a rock and a hard place, and Rainer Maria Rilke's angsty poems?
> 
> Is there such a bot?
> 
> Is this too cynical a question? I really want to know.



Yes. They also have the same hallmarks, which is the OP generally posts here only once, so despite being an FA to the point of getting *depressed* over a ten pound weight loss, he never posts here again. Or he posts the same story twice, for instance this guy also supposedly dated a gymnast who wound up weighing 200 pounds--amazing how an FA only dates workout queens and gymnast who get fat.

While there may be one or two which are genuine, (and the genuine ones typically have a lot less detail) most of them are probably designed as outlets for fantasy, in other words, I _wish_ this happened and if I write about it I can pretend, or they are hoping for stroke material. When I say stroke material what I mean is they are hoping for guys to either write stories about how they were in the exact same situation and talk about how much weight their wives gained and tell in detail how they got this weight gain to happen, or if they're really lucky get a story from a woman about how she put on a bazillion pounds to please her man and realized how fabulous it was to weigh 400 pounds and how happy she was.


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 19, 2007)

Fascinita said:


> Is there a bot that comes around to Dimensions periodically to leave variations of these suspiciously similar tales of woe about men who marry workout queens, who proceed to get fat and then to lose weight, and to gain back fifteen lbs, and then to lose that, and then the husband gets depressed because he really loves fat, even though he married a skinny workout queen, who never gets really fat, really, only into mid-fattie range, if that, and then the husband is drowning in a sea of despair because, well, he just wants his curves back, and he's even thinking about cheating, but he loves his wife more she loves herself, and he's really between a rock and a hard place, and Rainer Maria Rilke's angsty poems?
> 
> Is there such a bot?
> 
> Is this too cynical a question? I really want to know.



I can't answer your question ... I'm laughing too hard right now


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## Jes (Dec 19, 2007)

i can't keep up anymore with posts that might seem spurious but i do wonder something: isn't marriage a pretty serious arrangement? and don't people know they, and their partners, will change over time, in all manner of ways? ways that can't even be hinted at yet? and isn't that the thing that you accept in order to get the other rewards that marriage brings (ie.., as opposed to just dating someone or living with someone, etc.?)? And isn't one of thhe major tenets of marriage 'For better or worse?' 

So why do some people seem to think the 'worse' drops out of that agreement? What if a partner became ill and couldn't be sexual anymore? That's a for worse, folks. ANd it happens. 

This is a simplistic view. I know this area is full of grey. But it seems to me, when i hear stories like this, that some people feel the For better or worse just means: for better.

(and fasc, i think you might actually be thinking about the Sorrows of Young Fat Werther)


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## Tad (Dec 19, 2007)

Note that these stories almost never start "we got married in our thirties" (or even late 20s). It is almost always couples who at least originally got together while they were still young and stupid about life. Well, I can't speak for women of that age, but I knew a lot of guys of that age, and I'm sure most of us were utterly full of crap when we talked about women, relationships, and even what we liked and wanted.

I consider myself bloody lucky, because we did that, and lord knows a lot of what I thought I knew about life was complete and utter poppycock. Some may go in thoughtlessly, but a lot I think go in with good intentions and forethought, but when you are looking at a landscape of illusions, forethought may be worse than useless. 

Given which, is it any wonder that a lot end up places they never expected? 

And sad to say, relationships with a poor sex life do, statistically, break up a lot more than those with a good sex life. It is something that a lot of people will break up over, it is one of those very basic stresses. Some couples will cope with it easily some with difficulty, and some not at all.

I'm not saying that it is a good thing, but it is a thing--and having illusions about it does not help

Oh, and: why would these guys stay? They are hoping that there is some solution to the dilemma in which they find themselves, and they get told that there is no solution (they are probably also told that they are horrible human beings for even seeing their situation as a dilemma). What is it about this place that would necessarily make them want to stay?


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 19, 2007)

> Oh, and: why would these guys stay? They are hoping that there is some solution to the dilemma in which they find themselves, and they get told that there is no solution (they are probably also told that they are horrible human beings for even seeing their situation as a dilemma). What is it about this place that would necessarily make them want to stay?



I think the majority of them are trolls and when they don't get the hoped for answer, they quit. And for that matter, while none of them say "we got married in our thirties" many, if not most of them say something like "I always knew I was an FA" or in the case of a post that appeared a couple of hours after this one, "everyone who knows me knows I'm an FA."

Look at the excrutiating detail in the OP. How many married men do you know who know their wife's *exact* weight? I'd wager very very few. I can see a man saying "After she had the kids, she gained about 15 pounds and she looked hot....she suddenly had curves..." or something along those lines, but rarely is a man aware of his wife's exact weight, down to the pound, at any given time. Additionally, would most married men describe their wife in the sort of detail to write about "belly rolls" or to say "i'd always fantasized about my workout queen wife getting softer and fatter." No way. They would be more general, i.e. "I like having something to hold on to" or "I thought her little pot belly was sexy".

And for the ones who are real, nobody tells them they are horrible people, but they tell them the truth which is that you can't force somebody to do something with her body that she does not want to do. Nor should you. Of course in a good marriage you'd be able to discuss fantasy, and to say "I'd love it if you'd gain 20 pounds"...I'm not even married and I've had a guy say this.


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## Tad (Dec 19, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> I think the majority of them are trolls and when they don't get the hoped for answer, they quit. And for that matter, while none of them say "we got married in our thirties" many, if not most of them say something like "I always knew I was an FA" or in the case of a post that appeared a couple of hours after this one, "everyone who knows me knows I'm an FA."
> 
> Look at the excrutiating detail in the OP. How many married men do you know who know their wife's *exact* weight? I'd wager very very few.



Bwahaha--we are talking FA here! I knew my wife's exact weight for years and years, before I realized that I was being an idiot about it, and forced myself to stop. (yes forced, I'd still love to know those exact numbers, and every slight fluctuation. I just finally grew up enough to realize that wanting to know didn't make that a good thing).

So yah, quick summary of one dumb young FA's assumptions:

- the only reason she'd want to be thin is to get and keep a man, so once she knew I liked her fat, she'd have no reason to not to.
- her parents were fat, so of course she'd get fat
- like every other woman, she'd want kids, and with each pregnancy she'd gain weight
- As she got fatter, of course she'd like to make other fat friends, because since everyone was fat, they'd naturally have a lot in common.
- Once she was fat, and saw how much I loved it, the scales would fall from her eyes, and she'd realize how sexy it was to be fat, and would feel confident and sexy in her new body, and would love being fat.

Oh, there were more, but those were the more strongly fat related ones. Like I said, I was pretty lucky, we survived my loss of those illusions in pretty good shape. But....not really a pleasant process. (I'm sure I still harbour some illusions in general, not overly looking forward to how I'll lose those).

It is like....imagine growing up assuming that when you have kids you will have a big sprawling house like you happened to grow up in. Then you realize that with the chosen careers in the non-profit sector of you and your partner, you will never afford that house, at least not in anyplace that you want to live. It is better to give up the illusion than to cling to it, and do reckless things while guided by it. But you had a certain view of how the world would be, and that view seemed pretty nice to you, and then....you have to change it for a view that is less innately pleasing to you. Would you not maybe spend a bit of time asking around, trying to figure out how you can afford that house on what you make, before you bite the bullet and accept that you will never have that house, at least not if you also have kids. Sure, we can say "You should always have known better. You have a good education, didn't you do the math?" But the reality is that these things often aren't arrived at logically, but just grow based on your early experiences, and don't always make good sense.

I know and accept that a lot of people are tired of hearing these stories, because you've heard them so many times. But to the person living the story, it is new and personal. 

Or to look at it another way, I'm sure all of the "I thought once we got married/had kids, he'd cut back on his drinking....." stories sound a lot alike. But they are hardly generic to the people living through them. (I'm not trying to say the experiences are comparable, just using an example of a story which is well known).

Having said all of that: fine, you don't like hearing these. Fair enough, that is your prerogative. But then why read them?


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 19, 2007)

I do not believe the majority of these posts are real. I think most of them are trolls who are hoping for stroke material. 

And when you look at the *fact* that most of these posts are started by OP's who never again reappear, I think I'm right.


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## tjw1971 (Dec 19, 2007)

That's a fair question. I wasn't going to get too far into it, as it wanders rather "off topic" for the conversation. But basically, she became the type of person who took the outlook on life that "Everyone's so screwed up except for ME!" EG. Any time she drove, she worked herself into a frenzy, complaining about everyone else's horrible driving skills. It wasn't even a possibility that maybe SHE was the one driving too aggressively, or being too impatient with people trying to turn slowly onto a side road or parking lot.

At some point, that attitude worked its way into aspects of life affecting us directly - like money matters. If she was sure she knew best that something was worth buying or signing up for, she'd simply do it, using my credit card, regardless of my opinion on it. We had all sorts of useless features added to our phone service, people coming out doing lawn-care I would have NEVER agreed to pay for, and more....

And really, I'm a pretty laid-back individual. If she was making decisions I could see made some logical sense, I'd probably be fine with it. But she did things like sign up for classes at a non-accredited college in town (that my own father, a college teacher, warned her wasn't a good value), invest thousands in it, and then dropped out after only 6 months or so. She still owes on those student loans to this day .... but never got a thing from any of it, besides a few worthless textbooks to keep.

At some point, you see that "common sense" and "logic" are pretty much out the window, and you realize it's not going to be possible to live with them any longer, you know?




Jes said:


> the hawking line made me snort. well played, sir. well played.
> 
> but my point to TJW was genuine--i know he's not hte OP but I was curious about what sorts of things his ex wasn't open minded about. I actually assumed it wasn't weight, as he clearly told us she gained, never liked it, but lived with it. So I'm assuming her mind was quite open to that--but what sorts of things were more of a problem?


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## Fascinita (Dec 19, 2007)

Jes said:


> (and fasc, i think you might actually be thinking about the Sorrows of Young Fat Werther)



lol Oh, yeah. I forgot about _him_. lolol


And TraciJo... I'm onto you, sister. You...








....have a funny bone


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## Russ2d (Dec 20, 2007)

> Several years back, my wife and I had 3 wonderful babies one right after the other and her 5' 3" or so slightly curvy figure filled out beautifully in all proportions (somewhat of a pear figure wide hips, love handles, large thighs, large lower belly roll with very large breasts and narrower shoulders.) I finally had my dream of my very attractive once workout queen wife softening and fattening up for good I hoped.
> 
> She went from 125 lbs. to 180 + lbs. after the birth of our third child and extremely slowly shedded more lbs. in the first year and a half after her last delivery. Even when she went back to the gym she really did not lose the weight easily so she stopped working out so aggressively and stayed around 165 + lbs. close to two years after the last delivery. Which I was fully content with.
> 
> ...



You need to tell her how you really feel, period. Don't come to these boards and tell us, TELL HER. You won't get any other reasonable response here, if you haven't been attacked already for being honest.

If she loves you she should respect your wants, desires and needs as she expects you to do for her, which may result in compromise. BUT coming here will get you no where.


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## Observer (Dec 20, 2007)

Are these kinds of threads started by fakes?

Well, if this one was he waited two years to do it!

The fact is that a lack of desire to accept change in this area is a far more common dilemma than most people realize. Weight loss programs rail against the "enablers" and "saboteurs" in a dieters household - people who have what the diet doctors regard as a twisted perverse stake in keeping the dieter fat. If everyone weanted a skinny spouse this would not be so common an issue.

Before making broad-brush accusations I think a bit more research needs to be done. I personally don't think these posts are from the same person but are rather reflective of a wide spread malaise.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 20, 2007)

Observer said:


> Are these kinds of threads started by fakes?
> 
> Well, if this one was he waited two years to do it!
> 
> ...



You assume that anyone who sabotages a spouse's weight loss efforts is doing so because s/he wants the spouse to stay heavier for purposes of sexual attraction. There really is a lot more to it than that. Sometimes it's just a control issue, and often it's a matter of insecurity--not wanting the spouse to lose weight for fear of him/her becoming more attractive to others and possibley leaving.


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## Observer (Dec 20, 2007)

I'm sure there are those control freaks who do deliberately sabotage weight loss efforts for nefarious reasons, but you falsely assume that's the case the majority of the time. The fact is that for many, statistically 95%, living a normal life style and conforming to societal weight standards doesn't work long term. Human being exposed to ongoing supplies of food with no intervening famines tend to be heavier.

Those FA/FFA individuals I know personally don't think or do the things you describe. The ones I know personally are acutely aware of the health issues and risks. Large numbers have had to personally address issues such as diabetes and joint problems - this mirrors the general population and we'd be foolish to deny it. 

So what happens? After failed attempts they've discovered that losing the weight statistically associated with the problem turns out not to be feasible. As a result, especially when over 40, they and their SO's tend to be physically active, avoid excess soda and junk foods, and do the best they can. They do not have eating or personality disorders. They simply tend to be larger than the society dictated "normal," have been for years, and are "odd" only in that at least one partner likes it that way as long as they're relatively healthy. 

Our house seldom has sodas or snack foods in it; ditto sodium-rich pre-prepared meals or anything with sugar in it. For sweeteners we use xylitol products. not aspartame or stevia. We do use supplements to increase energy, hold down blood pressure and minimize cholesterol. In my mid sixties I also take blood pressure pills (yes, I'm a BHM myself).


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 20, 2007)

I never said it was the majority of the time, I said "sometimes." Sabotaging your spouse's efforts is wrong no matter why you're doing it; it's sneaky, rude, and disrespectful. If you want your spouse to stay heavier because you find it more pleasing, it's fine to say "It's your choice what to do with your body, but I want you to know I think you look really good as you are" but it's not fine to sabotage your spouse's efforts to do something s/he wants to do.



> Human being exposed to ongoing supplies of food with no intervening famines tend to be heavier.



I'm not really sure what this means. I don't know how many famines have happened in the Western world recently, but I don't think the availability of food means you're going to be heavier. To the contrary, if you know food is, and will be available, i'd argue you might be less likely to overeat, as you're not worrying about the food disappearing.


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## jello4me (Dec 20, 2007)

I feel for the brother looking for some blubber. The best post was the first, "runs and hides from the approaching firestorm." Knowing what was ahead in the agitated responses was great,"It's her body", etc. Let time and gravity and snacks take their toll and you'll have your ideal. Or get a fatty mistress, or fatten her up on the sly, or get her pregnant again.....


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## Observer (Dec 20, 2007)

It should be pointed out that the intended main point of this thread isn't about trying to make anyone gain, forced or otherwise. Its about resistance to loss and dealing the emotional consequences of your SO losing  - for whatever reason.


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## love dubh (Dec 20, 2007)

voluptuouslover said:


> ...*I finally had my dream of my very attractive once workout queen wife softening and fattening up for good I hoped. *...
> 
> *Little does she know I would love to see her 200 + lbs. *or way more...
> 
> ...


...



Observer said:


> *It should be pointed out that the intended main point of this thread isn't about trying to make anyone gain, forced or otherwise.* Its about resistance to loss and dealing the emotional consequences of your SO losing  - for whatever reason.



Please, sir, with your lies.


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## Jes (Dec 20, 2007)

love dubh said:


> ...
> 
> 
> 
> Please, sir, with your lies.



that did make me laugh. I'd forgotten just what the OP said 'til I read your bolded recap.

Anyway, he can just find himself a fatty mistress and be done with it.


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## love dubh (Dec 20, 2007)

Jes said:


> that did make me laugh. I'd forgotten just what the OP said 'til I read your bolded recap.
> 
> Anyway, he can just find himself a fatty mistress and be done with it.



Or he can knock her up again. Babies are cheap and easy to raise - like hermit crabs!


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## Observer (Dec 20, 2007)

OK, I goofed - was confusing this thread with another, here..

Calling me out is fine, but it wasn't lying.


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## love dubh (Dec 20, 2007)

Observer said:


> OK, I goofed - was confusing this thread with another, here..
> 
> Calling me out is fine, but it wasn't lying.



I forgot the obligatory j/k face. I was calling you out, yes, but I just like that line esp. when said with a Victorian accent and holding a snifter of brandy.


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## Fascinita (Dec 21, 2007)

Russ2d said:


> If she loves you she should respect your wants, desires and needs as she expects you to do for her, which may result in compromise.



I disagree. No matter how much I love someone, my body is mine. It is not a baby farm (this one's for you, jello4me!), it is not a bargaining chip. If my man is no longer attracted to me, well, them's the breaks. Sucks to be me, in that case. Because, in my experience, you can't _make_ someone feel attracted to you if they are not inclined to be. Sure, you can try to "fix" yourself temporarily. I'm just not the type to do that. Take me as I am, I say. If I have to go around always pleasing others, I don't believe I have a hope of ever pretending to be an authentic human being. And that matters to me. And I would hope that committed relationships would be just the situations where we could expect the most acceptance from others, and to be celebrated the most for being who we are.

Knowing that the a man with whom I was in a committed relationship was no longer attracted to me, I'd be very sad and upset and disappointed at first, and eventually my love for him might begin to diminish. This happens all the time. People let each other down. They fall out of love. We've probably all been through it.

In this particular scenario, the more I realized my guy didn't want me, the less motivated I would feel to want to "compromise," just because, naturally, I'd feel less loyalty and less admiration for him now. I think this only makes sense. So I think that your solution above is not a good, longterm solution, simply because of the decreased likelihood of compromise from love in a situation that already called the foundation of that love into question. But in any case, I think--I admit I could be wrong--that the kind of compromise you're proposing above, Russd, is really a keyword for "get fat or I do not love you anymore." And no one likes to be asked to ship up or ship out. You know?

I like jello4me's solution better: If you _really_ can't live with your wife's body as it is, get a mistress, and wait for your wife to find out and file for divorce. Destructive as this is, it seems slightly more "adult" than expecting someone you've promised to love and support to change their body to please you, and putting that "love," as you suggest, on the balance. I understand that some men value sexual satisfaction above other things. I know a few women who demand it, too. And if you need it, you need it, right? I mean, there are choices to be made. Love or lust? Lust or love? Ordinarily, one hopes that they go hand in hand, and not to have to choose. But we're talking about people who no longer find the people they love attractive. Of course, by the time you're ready to get a mistress, any commitments you've made have gone out the window a long time ago, so love is technically not a factor in jello4me's vision, IMO.

Presuming we're really talking about a marriage where love has been there and is now "on the rocks," I think the best thing of all to do in the case of our OP might be to be honest: tell your wife you aren't happy, that you've been *depressed* and feel like you're *"missing out;"* that you find yourself checking out other men's wives and thinking those men are *luckier* than you; that you are "attracted to even heavier figured women," whom you've been checking out with increasing frequency; that you wish she (your wife) would gain weight; and that you've been on a forum where fat and weight-gain are discussed publicly, asking for pointers on how to get her to "gain weight and stay on that path." In short, what he has told us, he really should be telling his wife (we agree on something, Russd! All is not lost!)

There is nothing wrong with wishing you had a fatter wife. Just as there is nothing wrong with that wife wishing to be thin. In certain extreme cases, I have to imagine that the only solution is for people in these quandaries to go their separate ways.

PS - jello4me, I do like your use of the word "blubber." It's a word I love and it does not get the respect it deserves. Kudos on that


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## RevolOggerp (Dec 21, 2007)

Have you tried talking to her about how it's her life, not her friends' life?

I know someone who's really mean to me about my weight. Whenever she sees a fat person on television... "Hey, that's you... hahaha!"... a person exercising on television... "Hey, you need to do that!"... I'm eating (no matter how small of a portion or how little I eat)... "Jeez... you eat too much! Stop eating too much!"

It goes on and on and on. Yet, I don't let it bother me. I know that she's just mean and has her own preference as well as not accepting me for who I am.

Her friends should be accepting her as they are and they are simply making a typical compliment as anyone would do when a person loses weight.

People are likely to compliment another when weight seems to be lost, but not insulted when weight is gained. This concept is often confusing and can have a negative effect on some people if they look at it the wrong way.

If I lost some weight and someone complimented me on that, I wouldn't keep doing it because I know I can't do it forever. If I got 100% on a test and someone complimented me on that, I wouldn't keep doing it cuz I know I can't get 100% on everything. If I donated money to charity and someone complimented me on that, I wouldn't keep donating to charity cuz I would go broke!


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## love dubh (Dec 21, 2007)

Fascinita said:


> I disagree. No matter how much I love someone, my body is mine. It is not a baby farm (this one's for you, jello4me!), it is not a bargaining chip. If my man is no longer attracted to me, well, them's the breaks. Sucks to be me, in that case. Because, in my experience, you can't _make_ someone feel attracted to you if they are not inclined to be. Sure, you can try to "fix" yourself temporarily. I'm just not the type to do that. Take me as I am, I say. If I have to go around always pleasing others, I don't believe I have a hope of ever pretending to be an authentic human being. And that matters to me. And I would hope that committed relationships would be just the situations where we could expect the most acceptance from others, and to be celebrated the most for being who we are.
> 
> Knowing that the a man with whom I was in a committed relationship was no longer attracted to me, I'd be very sad and upset and disappointed at first, and eventually my love for him might begin to diminish. This happens all the time. People let each other down. They fall out of love. We've probably all been through it.
> 
> ...



For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 21, 2007)

love dubh said:


> For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.



Damn.

And this post is fantastic.


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## Jes (Dec 21, 2007)

Fascinita said:


> I like jello4me's solution better: If you _really_ can't live with your wife's body as it is, get a mistress, and wait for your wife to find out and file for divorce. D



I think everyone should have a fulfilling sex life. There are many, many men who would find your thinner wife more attractive than your fatter wife. Meaning: it shouldn't be hard for her to find someone with whom to be sexual. That would make it easier for you to also find a fat partner, OP. And that way, you're both able to be sexually fulfilled! Personally, since you're the one pulling away, I think you should do her the courtesy of letting her find her outside partner first, though.


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## altered states (Dec 21, 2007)

Assuming the OP is to be believed, I don't think his lack of interest in his wife sexually has to do strictly with her weight loss. He was attracted to her at the beginning, so why not now? I think there are other factors at work here. It could be the kids (this seems to be common) or other new circumstances that have changed their relationship. Initially I believe sex is (or rather, can be) the catalyst for a relationship, but with long-term relationships I believe that it's the health of the relationship itself that leads to better and more frequent sex. No matter what, you're gonna lose that gotta-have-it spark over time, and people change physically, of course, voluntarily and involuntarily, and people are fully capable of losing interest in their partner even when nothing changes.

My partner is currently the heaviest she's ever been, but she's been close to this weight before and we haven't always connected physically. I assume its because this time her attitude about her body and her weight is different, and we're at a good place in general. The bottom line is that while physical attraction is indeed important, over the long term sex is still mostly in the mind.


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## Fascinita (Dec 21, 2007)

tres huevos said:


> Assuming the OP is to be believed, I don't think his lack of interest in his wife sexually has to do strictly with her weight loss. He was attracted to her at the beginning, so why not now? I think there are other factors at work here. It could be the kids (this seems to be common) or other new circumstances that have changed their relationship. Initially I believe sex is (or rather, can be) the catalyst for a relationship, but with long-term relationships I believe that it's the health of the relationship itself that leads to better and more frequent sex. No matter what, you're gonna lose that gotta-have-it spark over time, and people change physically, of course, voluntarily and involuntarily, and people are fully capable of losing interest in their partner even when nothing changes.



Sanity, thy name is tres huevos.


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## SoVerySoft (Dec 21, 2007)

love dubh said:


> For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.



ah! I just did, and it was before I saw your request


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 21, 2007)

Adrian said:


> There are some men that eventually, the issue of weight can destroy their marriage. It doesn't make them any worst than any other man, just different.



That seems to be a matter of opinion......


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 21, 2007)

Jes said:


> i can't keep up anymore with posts that might seem spurious but i do wonder something: isn't marriage a pretty serious arrangement? and don't people know they, and their partners, will change over time, in all manner of ways? ways that can't even be hinted at yet? and isn't that the thing that you accept in order to get the other rewards that marriage brings (ie.., as opposed to just dating someone or living with someone, etc.?)? And isn't one of thhe major tenets of marriage 'For better or worse?'




Shush up with your logic..........I thought it was understood that it's all about being sexually attractive to your man...always and forever. Who could want for more? It's obviously the key to happiness.....


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 21, 2007)

love dubh said:


> For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.




I got her


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 21, 2007)

Jes said:


> I think everyone should have a fulfilling sex life. There are many, many men who would find your thinner wife more attractive than your fatter wife. Meaning: it shouldn't be hard for her to find someone with whom to be sexual. That would make it easier for you to also find a fat partner, OP. And that way, you're both able to be sexually fulfilled! Personally, since you're the one pulling away, I think you should do her the courtesy of letting her find her outside partner first, though.




Oh, and I just happened to have enough for Jes again, too


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 21, 2007)

tres huevos said:


> Assuming the OP is to be believed, I don't think his lack of interest in his wife sexually has to do strictly with her weight loss. He was attracted to her at the beginning, so why not now? I think there are other factors at work here. It could be the kids (this seems to be common) or other new circumstances that have changed their relationship. Initially I believe sex is (or rather, can be) the catalyst for a relationship, but with long-term relationships I believe that it's the health of the relationship itself that leads to better and more frequent sex. No matter what, you're gonna lose that gotta-have-it spark over time, and people change physically, of course, voluntarily and involuntarily, and people are fully capable of losing interest in their partner even when nothing changes.
> 
> My partner is currently the heaviest she's ever been, but she's been close to this weight before and we haven't always connected physically. I assume its because this time her attitude about her body and her weight is different, and we're at a good place in general. The bottom line is that while physical attraction is indeed important, over the long term sex is still mostly in the mind.



Booooo ya! I had enough for this guy, too :bow:


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## liz (di-va) (Dec 22, 2007)

At the very back of these chronic type of posts lurks for me the sense that some FAs must be kinda sublimating their preferences--sometimes stiff-arming them, if they're aware of them at all--in those crucial life-decision years.

- This is not an anti-spectrum post, I _know_ people are / can be attracted to all types, etc - 

I'm just sayin that in re: dudes who really like the fat girls, I can't help thinking, from a very removed perspective, that if it were more okay to have married an actual fat girl...they mighta just done that. _Not_ that that would have necessarily solved these problems but still. If fat were all more okay--REALLY okay--then maybe some of this would look a little different. 

Who knows. Just thinkin (about the obvious). As you were. FAs...seek tha fatties. Lots of very good points in this thread.


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## Fascinita (Dec 22, 2007)

SoVerySoft said:


> ah! I just did, and it was before I saw your request



Thank you  :bow:


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## Fascinita (Dec 22, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> always and forever.



Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Heatwave!


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## Fascinita (Dec 22, 2007)

tres huevos, I just saw your new signature.  Who's got your back? Me. That's who.


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## SoVerySoft (Dec 22, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> ...I'm just sayin that in re: dudes who really like the fat girls, I can't help thinking, from a very removed perspective, that if it were more okay to have married an actual fat girl...they mighta just done that...




I think you've made an excellent point. I'm sure it played a big part for many guys.


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## ZainTheInsane (Dec 22, 2007)

You would think that SOMEONE who is MARRIED to SOMEONE ELSE would have the foresight to realize something that might, in the future, be an issue. 

As an FA myself, and a guy who likes the whole spectrum of women as well as seeing weight gain, I'd have to say this could have been avoided entirely. I could understand if you had no preconception of your enjoyment of the more plush figure, but to be completely oblivious of your wife's feelings about the whole affair BEFORE getting married, that, SIR, was a tragic failing. 

Falling in love may not be optional, but there are 6.6+ billion people on this planet, more than half of which are women...so, out of those approximately 3.3+ billion women out there, of which you're likely exposed to 1% of them, maybe, I still think you'd have a chance to find someone who fit the personality you were looking for, while still matching up with your likes and tastes insofar as weight and willingness to be rounder goes.

Prior planning prevents poor performance. 

As individuals we each have the choice and opportunity to choose what is good and what isn't. We have the ability and the knowledge to prevent our future dissatisfaction with our significant other. The problem is that too many of us are AFRAID of FAILURE and being alone forever, and thus we settle for someone who doesn't meet our long term AND short term needs.

Essentially what I'm saying is that maybe this could have been discovered earlier, and meshed out at a point in time where there was not the future of three children, and two adults riding on your preference. It stops being just your decision and preference that matters with the commitments to stay together and the children to solidify it.

Buck up and deal. Tell her exactly how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you think. Don't tell her in a way that makes her seem in the wrong, because it is your opinion. Make sure she fully understands you, and that you don't yell, scream, or mutter. Write it down and rehearse it if you have to, just make sure she gets the complete picture, and a full view of your feelings and thoughts on the matter. AND remember DO NOT DEMAND ANYTHING. 

Live with whatever she decides...because it isn't fair to punish her, or your children, simply because of something you didn't make clear when it was important to do so. 

That's my thoughts on it anyway, take it with a grain of salt...or don't. Either way, its better to be honest and truthful, than to rot inside because you're living a lie.


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## ChubbyBlackSista (Dec 23, 2007)

I wish I had a man that loved my full figure and didnt want me to lose weight I think you should encourage her to gain more weight put weight gain formula in her food


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## love dubh (Dec 24, 2007)

ZainTheInsane said:


> Live with whatever she decides...because it isn't fair to punish her, or your children, simply *because of something you didn't make clear when it was important to do so. *
> .



+1. Very sagacious, good sir. Links well with TSL's statement about putting everything in the open. I concur!


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## Jay West Coast (Dec 26, 2007)

ChubbyBlackSista said:


> I wish I had a man that loved my full figure and didnt want me to lose weight I think you should encourage her to gain more weight put weight gain formula in her food



BESTADVICEEVOR


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## ZainTheInsane (Dec 26, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> BESTADVICEEVOR



I think she was being sarcastic for the most part...


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 26, 2007)

ZainTheInsane said:


> I think she was being sarcastic for the most part...



I bet if she used punctuation every now and again, we'd know for certain.


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## sweet&fat (Dec 26, 2007)

jello4me said:


> I feel for the brother looking for some blubber. The best post was the first, "runs and hides from the approaching firestorm." Knowing what was ahead in the agitated responses was great,"It's her body", etc. *Let time and gravity and snacks take their toll and you'll have your ideal. Or get a fatty mistress, or fatten her up on the sly, or get her pregnant again.....*



I think I repped him for it, as it made me laugh as well. Yours, however... :doh: Love your thinking- doesn't make me want to puke at all.


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## Jay West Coast (Dec 26, 2007)

sweet&fat said:


> I think I repped him for it, as it made me laugh as well. Yours, however... :doh: Love your thinking- doesn't make me want to puke at all.



I think we should all have a sarcasm contest.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 26, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> I think we should all have a sarcasm contest.



With ideas like that you should be recruited right into MENSA.


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## Jay West Coast (Dec 26, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> With ideas like that you should be recruited right into MENSA.



We _recruit_ now?


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 26, 2007)

Jay West Coast said:


> We _recruit_ now?



I'd think somebody of your stellar mental capabilities would know that.

I personally am one recruit short of winning a toaster.


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## Adrian (Jan 1, 2008)

Adrian said:


> There are some men that eventually, the issue of weight can destroy their marriage. It doesn't make them any worst than any other man, just different.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There is not a hell of lot of debate here. What you don't tend to hear to much of is the number of BBWs and SSBBWs who lose a lot of weight and lose their men. What you do hear a lot of is small women who gain a lot of weight and their husbands leave, that is not uncommon at all. A man who marries a woman that weighs 120 pounds and years later she weighs over 200 pounds, society sympathizes with his plight of having an over-weight/obese spouse and leaves her. Let a man have an SSBBW and she loses weight down to a much smaller size, he is portrayed as some sort of weirdo for not desiring a thin woman. Most men on this web board will tell you of some flak they have received because they love SSBBW's.

Adrian


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## Fascinita (Jan 2, 2008)

Adrian said:


> A man who marries a woman that weighs 120 pounds and years later she weighs over 200 pounds, society sympathizes with his plight of having an over-weight/obese spouse and leaves her.



Yes, three cheers for people who leave their spouses when they get fat! Come on y'all, let's show these spouse-leavers how much we sympathize with their plight!


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## Observer (Jan 2, 2008)

Ummm - no cheers but I think you're missing Adrian's point. 

I believe he is saying that there are two opposing but simlar situations - both of which are by any logical approach wrong but which do happen:

1) some people get traumatized to the point of wanting to divorce or at least not have sex with their partners because of weight gain

2) others get traumatized to the point of wanting to divorce or at least not have sex with their partners because of weight loss​

The real problem is that change matters in an adverse way to some people. How we choose to deal with such change is the real issue. From the standpoint of many on this board the problem is that they have spouses who are not happy with themselves whereas they like things as they are.


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## Ruby Ripples (Jan 2, 2008)

Observer said:


> Ummm - no cheers but I think you're missing Adrian's point.
> 
> I believe he is saying that there are two opposing but simlar situations - both of which are by any logical approach wrong but which do happen:
> 
> ...



I think she understood his point perfectly, was posting a sarcastic response.


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## Adrian (Jan 2, 2008)

Thank you Observer, well put -"A"


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## Fascinita (Jan 2, 2008)

Ruby Ripples said:


> I think she understood his point perfectly, was posting a sarcastic response.



Thank you, Ruby. Well said. A+

(And this time not being sarcastic.) :kiss2:

Observer, I think you missed _my_ point. Adrian is claiming, in a forum where fat people congregate, that because women get left when they get too fat, we should understand that they're also liable to get left when they get too thin. He/She even suggests that we sympathize with the "plight" of the leaving spouses. Heinous and puerile BS.


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## Observer (Jan 2, 2008)

Well, Adrian seems to be agreeing that I understand him, while you and Ruby seem to have a different understanding. 

He was not, at least in my view, trying to generate sympathy for the likes of the jerks over at myfatspouse.com We all agree (or at least I would hope we do) that their approach is bigoted and inane. 

He was simply making the case that the distress of many spouses over weight gain that we hear about is a flip side to the dilemma that a lot of FA/FFA's have to deal with. If that is the case I didn't think sarcasm was warranted. I can also see where one with a contrary interpretation might think otherwise. 

The point of my post was simply to paint with clarity what I feel is the entire picture - one that I've heard repeated from all four sides for decades. We agree that leaving anyone over weight change in either direction is definitely something that shouldn't happen.


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## Jes (Jan 2, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> I bet if she used punctuation every now and again, we'd know for certain.




"she"





pants


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 2, 2008)

Adrian said:


> There is not a hell of lot of debate here. What you don't tend to hear to much of is the number of BBWs and SSBBWs who lose a lot of weight and lose their men. What you do hear a lot of is small women who gain a lot of weight and their husbands leave, that is not uncommon at all. A man who marries a woman that weighs 120 pounds and years later she weighs over 200 pounds, society sympathizes with his plight of having an over-weight/obese spouse and leaves her. Let a man have an SSBBW and she loses weight down to a much smaller size, he is portrayed as some sort of weirdo for not desiring a thin woman. Most men on this web board will tell you of some flak they have received because they love SSBBW's.
> 
> Adrian



Your original post seemed to imply that it's okay to leave your spouse over weight fluctuation of some sort. To me, weight fluctuations are a part of life. I don't get why some people that think it's their "right" to leave a commitment such as marriage over some weight gain.......or loss. Six of one and a half dozen of another. There are far worse "sins" in a marriage besides weight changes.....and if weight change is the worst thing your spouse has done then you should consider yourself fortunate and hold onto your marriage, IMO.


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## Brit_FA (Jan 3, 2008)

Ruby Ripples said:


> I think she understood his point perfectly, was posting a sarcastic response.


Well that's OK but what does such a response achieve exactly?

As to Observer's rather more constructive response, I think many people, perhaps more men and certainly including me, keep eroticism and love in separate boxes. Love naturally leads you to support the loved one in becoming what they want to be. That support can't, in my case, run to being any less erotically aroused by my wife's being other than she would wish to be, but fortunately she understands this. I asked her if she feels that I actively discourage her from losing weight, and apparently I don't, which is good news. Her wishes and my support don't seem to be helping much however. This is not good since, however much I love my wife's body to be fat, she would definitely be healthier carrying less weight (asthma ETC). Anyway, just one more go round that familiar paradox.


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## Fascinita (Jan 3, 2008)

regwebb said:


> Well that's OK but what does such a response achieve exactly?



It achieves me stating my opinion, just as you've done in your post. Or is it only you who enjoys that privilege? I'm confused.


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