# Facebook Friends and Statuses About Fat



## LovelyLiz (Oct 24, 2009)

I just read a status report from one of my facebook friends that has made me so, so angry. 

This is what she wrote: _"fat, clutter and debt are all pretty much the same thing - a painful sign of no discipline and no planning."_

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!   

She definitely has her own body-image issues, and is also one of those super focused/driven types that feels like everything is possible for everyone if they just have enough discipline (she herself is trying to succeed as an actress, working super hard, and getting tiny jobs here and there). We lived together in college for a year (10 years ago), and she was way less intense about all of this then; she actually was even really supportive since that was the time I was struggling the most with my own fat body hatred and learning to love my body. But we're not really in touch anymore, and so I can't decide if it's worth saying something to her or not, and whether I should just keep her hidden from my newsfeed (which she already is, I just had to get another piece of information off her page and saw that status), or whether I should delete her as a friend.

Anybody have thoughts or face a similar kind of situation?

I also have a second facebook friend, who I actually do see face-to-face on a regular basis since we're in the same grad school program, who also frequently makes status updates about her awesome weight loss, how much she dislikes fat pictures of herself, etc. Ironically, she'll also always leave positive comments on all of my fat-positive links and status updates. People are complex, I know. 

I realize probably TONS of people post status updates about weight loss and teh evil fatz and all of that all the time -- but oddly, out of the 400+ friends I have, hardly any of mine do; so I haven't had to really deal with it.

So I'm wondering if most of you, when you see this stuff on facebook, choose to make an issue of it and contact the person, or just forget about it and save the energy? And how do you make that decision? like, closeness of relationship or what?


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## katorade (Oct 24, 2009)

I think that if you're happy with your life, and as successful and disciplined as you want to be, then that's proof enough that she's absolutely wrong and/or just angry that she isn't achieving what she wants in life. People tend to crap all over others when they're not happy with themselves, so the best thing you can do is be effervescently, annoyingly happy. Anything else would just be rubbing her face in it...unless of course you want to go that route. LOL.

You could also go the route of calling her on her shit and saying something like "I _can _see this, you know. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm blind."

I've had friends in the past that would mock a fat person right in front of me! I almost always said something like "I'm standing RIGHT HERE", and it would elicit a response of "...yeah, but you're _different._" No. No, I'm not. My fat floats just like anybody else's. I may have good humor about my size, but that doesn't mean I enjoy being indirectly insulted about it, especially by friends.


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## Sugar (Oct 24, 2009)

I think I have less than 40 friends, but I've had to delete a couple. I figured if that's how they really feel...then they're not friends. If it was someone close to me I'd say something, but the ones that got the axe were not close. 

I've also had to delete people for the opposite...too proud of their bodies. I don't need naked ass on my feed next to pictures of my co-workers. 

If you feel bad about deleting her, perhaps a quick note and then the delete?


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## andyk (Oct 24, 2009)

Thanks for the welcome, btw. Facebook is the devil's work. No one would dare say half the things face to face that they post online (...oh...yes...this is online, isn't it...) but no. That comment was straight from the Bumper Book of Self-Improvement (copyright A.N. Idiot, 2005): and if your friend really thought it encapsulated what she felt then she may not be a friend at all, not because of her attitude to weight, but because she can be blinded by the kind of nonsense peddled by these charlatans.
I wish you everything you wish yourself.


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## SocialbFly (Oct 24, 2009)

i was going to agree and say the same thing, i get enough of that crap in real life, my answer to that statement is a short letter to them, then delete...society tells me that every day, i dont need to hear it from well meaning "friends".


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## bmann0413 (Oct 24, 2009)

I just confront them on it. But I do it in a disciplined way.


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## LovelyLiz (Oct 24, 2009)

Thanks, everyone, for your really great feedback and thoughts.



katorade said:


> I think that if you're happy with your life, and as successful and disciplined as you want to be, then that's proof enough that she's absolutely wrong and/or just angry that she isn't achieving what she wants in life. People tend to crap all over others when they're not happy with themselves, so the best thing you can do is be effervescently, annoyingly happy.



True, true. Good perspective. It helps me to take things a little less personally and to realize it's really all about her and her issues, and less a true judgment on other people. Good call.



Sugar said:


> I think I have less than 40 friends, but I've had to delete a couple. I figured if that's how they really feel...then they're not friends. If it was someone close to me I'd say something, but the ones that got the axe were not close.
> 
> I've also had to delete people for the opposite...too proud of their bodies. I don't need naked ass on my feed next to pictures of my co-workers.
> 
> If you feel bad about deleting her, perhaps a quick note and then the delete?



Yeah, I think I may delete her...still thinking it over. But I've never had any friends yet who are flashing their nakedness all over facebook! That sounds hilarious...but yeah...not really a SFW type of thing. 



andyk said:


> Thanks for the welcome, btw. Facebook is the devil's work. No one would dare say half the things face to face that they post online (...oh...yes...this is online, isn't it...) but no. That comment was straight from the Bumper Book of Self-Improvement (copyright A.N. Idiot, 2005): and if your friend really thought it encapsulated what she felt then she may not be a friend at all, not because of her attitude to weight, but because she can be blinded by the kind of nonsense peddled by these charlatans.
> I wish you everything you wish yourself.



Totally agree. It really is that BS self-improvement crap that small-minded people love to grab onto...oversimplifying platitudes to make someone feel like they can have total control over their life, if only they have enough discipline and determination. If only life was that predictable.

And, you're welcome, for the welcome. 



SocialbFly said:


> i was going to agree and say the same thing, i get enough of that crap in real life, my answer to that statement is a short letter to them, then delete...society tells me that every day, i dont need to hear it from well meaning "friends".



Totally. That's why I hid her from my newsfeed a while back. I need to delete her, or at the very least, just make sure I don't visit her profile again.



bmann0413 said:


> I just confront them on it. But I do it in a disciplined way.



What is "a disciplined way"? Like, on their facebook wall, or thru a private note?


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## SocialbFly (Oct 25, 2009)

You know, we are bombarded by images, comments everyday about size its affect on us and how we live...i dont need that by friends, or well meaning acquaintances....just dont need it from them too.


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## Fonzy (Oct 25, 2009)

Personally I have no time for all these online social gathering places anymore. You either have "friends" who you can shake hands (at the very least!) with and "buy a pint" or they "owe you one for the road" or you don't, it pretty much as simple as that! Either that or you have little or no friends! Having friends and hearing something about them from someone is part of life, hearing (translate reading something) about someone from someone else online is quite another! Honestly, there is absolutely no substitute for real life, regardless of how much they increase internet bandwidth!!!


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## KuroBara (Oct 25, 2009)

Not to hijack or anything, but if you want non-judgemental friends, you can add me. Geralyn Holmes on FB. If you play Farmville, +1!!


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## bmann0413 (Oct 29, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> What is "a disciplined way"? Like, on their facebook wall, or thru a private note?



I do it through a note, so that it can only be between us and without the risk of embarrassment.


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## bdog (Oct 29, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> I just read a status report from one of my facebook friends that has made me so, so angry.
> 
> This is what she wrote: _"fat, clutter and debt are all pretty much the same thing - a painful sign of no discipline and no planning."_
> 
> AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!



It's not personal. It's how she feels. She thinks she had some sort of epiphany that will help get her life more on track. Back in college I thought being more disciplined was the answer to a lot of my problems... it's not a fun place to be. 

I think a simple non-emotional note is the best course of action... "for what it's worth, i'm not fat because of a lack of discipline. i was a little hurt by your generalization because i know a lot of people think that way and it sucks that you either have to conform to society or else people will think poorly of you." (obviously my words are just a guess on what you're feeling)

Her response will likely make you closer with her or it will make you want to delete her as a friend.. but I think it's worth making the effort. If not for you, then for her.

Anyway, sorry... I know it must be rough.


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## Ruffie (Oct 29, 2009)

I have co workers and the odd other person on my Facebook who are always obsessing about their weight. I deal with it by placing fat positive quotes in my status on a regular basis. It shows them that a person can be happy and confident at whatever their size and that I don't bow to the pressure to be thin. Just live my life as a busy, confident and competent fat woman. They aren't going to change my mind and I probably won't change theirs but hopefully I make em think a bit about what they are putting out there and the pressure they are putting on themselves.


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## LovelyLiz (Oct 29, 2009)

bdog said:


> Anyway, sorry... I know it must be rough.



Good points. Thanks for the response, bdog. I do realize it's not personal, and I'm mostly over it by now. It helps that a couple of my friends (though very thin) totally get pissed at her posting that stuff too - mostly because they've been friends with me long enough to know better. Plus, they see that I'm actually a really disciplined person (at least about exercise, school, etc.), so they know it's a ridiculous statement. But it's been nice to talk to them about what idiotic statements our mutual "friend" is putting up. 

I thought about sending her a message to let her know how I felt, and I liked how you phrased it in your response. But as I talked to one of the aformentioned thin friends, they told me that her grandfather just died, and she is helping her distraught grandmother get rid of some clutter, etc. So, it's just not good timing (in my view) to rail on her for this. But if I do run across another statement like this is in the future, I will send a private message letting her know what I think of it.



Ruffie said:


> I deal with it by placing fat positive quotes in my status on a regular basis. It shows them that a person can be happy and confident at whatever their size and that I don't bow to the pressure to be thin.



Yes! Exactly. Over the past few months I have definitely been upping the fat-positive content on my facebook. Several friends have mentioned how helpful it is to them, so I love it. I don't think I felt confident enough for a while, and worried some people may respond badly, but now I'm fine with putting it out there and letting the other side be known. 

Thanks for the great thoughts, everyone.


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## Alison (Nov 2, 2009)

KuroBara said:


> Not to hijack or anything, but if you want non-judgemental friends, you can add me. Geralyn Holmes on FB. If you play Farmville, +1!!



I am addicted to farmville!


About the status, everyone is entitiled to their opinion. But always remember, it doesn't mean they are right!


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## Tad (Nov 2, 2009)

I've never been hit with such a status, but then again I'm not very active on Facebook and the people I'm connected to there are mostly guys, who are maybe less apt to say such things. Occasionally see a diet update from the wife of a friend (he's not on facebook, so I keep up with them via her). ( I also have a second ID for keeping in touch with people from Dimensions, but obviously not getting too many anti-fat messages there).

But with regards to the original comment, I think maybe I'd have posted back something along the lines of ".....if those are things that you were really trying to avoid, then maybe (although there are always exceptions). They could also be signs that those things just aren't priorities for you  "

Although to be truthful, I find having much conversation with people who are that driven and focussed on being driven to be pretty painful.....unfortunately my sister is rather like that :doh:


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## braveuk28 (Nov 2, 2009)

I kind of think thats true in a way. For me anyway if im being honest with myself. 








womanforconversation said:


> I just read a status report from one of my facebook friends that has made me so, so angry.
> 
> This is what she wrote: _"fat, clutter and debt are all pretty much the same thing - a painful sign of no discipline and no planning."_
> 
> ...


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## Sugar (Nov 2, 2009)

braveuk28 said:


> I kind of think thats true in a way. For me anyway if im being honest with myself.



Did you really just come on to a fat acceptance board and confirm that fat, clutter and debt are the same thing? 

For reals? :doh:


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 2, 2009)

braveuk28 said:


> I kind of think thats true in a way. For me anyway if im being honest with myself.



Overgeneralize much?

And, yes, to second Sugar...WTF?


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## braveuk28 (Nov 2, 2009)

No not the same thing, but for me personaly some of the reasons I'm fat (not all of the reasons) are the same reasons I am untidy, can be lazy and dont always fulfil my best. It's stress, reward and self perception issues that often include a lack of discipline. So I appriciate that some people don't feel the seem and also find it an offensive idea which I understand too. I'm just a fat person being honest about myself. Isn't that okay on a size acceptance board?


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## sirGordy (Nov 3, 2009)

This thread reminds me of why now in my Facebook, I put up something deep and positive about the human condition, because frankly these days, we need something to let us know that we are all worth alot, with all of our attributes. 

There is too much negativity about, even when it seems to be "well-meaning" But again, God made each of us in the way we should be, with our gifts, our talents, and above all, our value......

Those of you who are my friends in Facebook know this  Just my two cents...........


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## thatkassiegirl (Nov 5, 2009)

Well, it wasn't Facebook but Myspace. A friend of a friend recently posted that "fat girl wear the sluttiest Halloween costumes". Shortly after, her friends were posting things like, "haha I hate fat people" and "fat girls are gross". And one that was really messed up was one girl mentioned that she had seen a girl wearing a black garbage bag and high heels for a costume, so another girl responded, saying it was probably the only thing she could fit into.

It was hurtful to read it, but I tried not to dwell on it.


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## thatkassiegirl (Nov 5, 2009)

KuroBara said:


> Not to hijack or anything, but if you want non-judgemental friends, you can add me. Geralyn Holmes on FB. If you play Farmville, +1!!



My mom plays that ALL the time. She has like a gazillion of those farming and zoo apps. She cracks me up. Just last night she asked me if I was going to be up longer so I could feed a baby eagle she was breeding on her FB. lolz. I love my momma. Haha.


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## DitzyBrunette (Nov 5, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> Anybody have thoughts or face a similar kind of situation?
> So I'm wondering if most of you, when you see this stuff on facebook, choose to make an issue of it and contact the person, or just forget about it and save the energy? And how do you make that decision? like, closeness of relationship or what?



I've experienced something like this, but on MySpace. I met a guy there a couple years ago and he was definitely very into me, flirting every day, all those cheesy sweet MySpace comments every day, we were getting along great. We never met in person, I was not in a place where I wanted to date at the time, but if circumstances had been different he wanted to meet. So ffwd a couple months into this great friendship and he posts a bulletin one day with this picture, laughing at it: http://www.thecomedynet.com/images3/envy.jpg
K, my MySpace pictures make it *clear* I am no skinny chick and he's been into me for a while and he posts that? I was offended and deleted him right away. He emailed and asked why and when I told him he never wrote back, as if he doesn't think he was wrong for doing it. Screw him.


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## thatkassiegirl (Nov 5, 2009)

DitzyBrunette said:


> I've experienced something like this, but on MySpace. I met a guy there a couple years ago and he was definitely very into me, flirting every day, all those cheesy sweet MySpace comments every day, we were getting along great. We never met in person, I was not in a place where I wanted to date at the time, but if circumstances had been different he wanted to meet. So ffwd a couple months into this great friendship and he posts a bulletin one day with this picture, laughing at it: http://www.thecomedynet.com/images3/envy.jpg
> K, my MySpace pictures make it *clear* I am no skinny chick and he's been into me for a while and he posts that? I was offended and deleted him right away. He emailed and asked why and when I told him he never wrote back, as if he doesn't think he was wrong for doing it. Screw him.



Picture...I don't understand.


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## DitzyBrunette (Nov 5, 2009)

thatkassiegirl said:


> Picture...I don't understand.



I didn't post the pic, I linked it. The picture is a fat girl looking in at 4 skinny girls in their underwear and the photo is titled "Envy", as if the fat girl envies the skinny girls. A guy who thinks that's funny isn't someone I wanted to be friends (or anything else) with.


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## thatkassiegirl (Nov 5, 2009)

DitzyBrunette said:


> I didn't post the pic, I linked it. The picture is a fat girl looking in at 4 skinny girls in their underwear and the photo is titled "Envy", as if the fat girl envies the skinny girls. A guy who thinks that's funny isn't someone I wanted to be friends (or anything else) with.



Oh, ok. Gotcha. When I clicked on the link it said something about I had to go to the website to view it. IDK. 

But what a total cocklick for doing something like that. You know, there's another thing that pisses me off. Guys who will talk to me when we're not around anyone (I.E. myspace, texts, etc.) but when it comes to public he could give two shits about acknowleding me.


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## thatkassiegirl (Nov 5, 2009)

I think I found it. 







Seriously, what a cocklick.


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## thatkassiegirl (Nov 5, 2009)

Okay, so while finding that picture, I stumbled upon another cocklick. lolz. Just read.

http://drugmonkey.blogspot.com/2008/08/so-i-was-being-nice-to-fat-chick-today.html


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## bexy (Nov 5, 2009)

I had a Bebo friend who wrote on his list of hates "fat people". I questioned him on it in a half serious, half joking way. He apologised but said he didn't think of me as fat though. He then went on to say he meant like 20 stone people. I was like "I AM 20 stone!!"

He changed it then, to hating "fat people who moan about it, either embrace it or do something about it."

I'm not sure if that's better or not. I get what he means, but surely the same can be said about most people who moan about their appearance?


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 5, 2009)

bexy said:


> I had a Bebo friend who wrote on his list of hates "fat people". I questioned him on it in a half serious, half joking way. He apologised but said he didn't think of me as fat though. He then went on to say he meant like 20 stone people. I was like "I AM 20 stone!!"
> 
> He changed it then, to hating "fat people who moan about it, either embrace it or do something about it."
> 
> I'm not sure if that's better or not. I get what he means, but surely the same can be said about most people who moan about their appearance?



Yeah, it's funny, I realize that because I'm an obvious fat person, and because most people I hang out with are not all that superficial, I don't really have to hear a lot of crap about fat people. But I had a coworker, who was also a friend, who put some joke on his myspace about how he likes to hang out at the local plus-sized clothing store to find some desperate chicks to pick up (or something to that effect...it was like 3 years ago). So I told him it kind of stung, especially because we were good friends, and he understood and took it off. He is an upstanding guy, willing to learn, and able to admit when he was wrong (I think because he had been in AA for a number of years, but that's another story).

It's funny because like your story about your friend, even though I am definitely fat, I think sometimes when people get to know me they don't think of me like "one of those fat people" anymore. So sometimes they say dumb things.


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## Surlysomething (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't have friend's that would say that kind of shit to me. And if all of a sudden they had an anti-fat epiphany they would no long be considered my friend.

block


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## Tania (Nov 11, 2009)

Statements like the one quoted in the original post piss me off, but less for the anti-fat content than the glibness with which they condemn and dismiss 99% of humanity. It's The Man's Propaganda (TM), from the same PR firm that brought you The Seven Deadly Sins campaign, amirite? 

Anyway, fat perception is a weird thing. I think fat shittalk has become a lazy habit in society, even among well-meaning people who aren't attempting to control or hurt others. It's an imprecise catchall that encompasses and embodies a crap-ton of complex, comingled issues that people either can't or won't parse out and address in a direct, systemmatic manner. If you don't like something about yourself or another person, the fat is the root problem, right? Blah. Sometimes "fat" really is the simple and honest answer, but more often than not, it's probably way more complicated than that. 

I think it's safe to say that in general, most people don't really have a firm conception of what "fat" really is (or at least, where on the size/shape spectrum it begins) or why exactly it bothers them. In fact, what they consider "fat" in themselves they might consider normal or even attractive in others - a tragic double-standard. All they know is that fatness and "fat behavior" - as arbitrarily and subjectively-defined as they may be - are BAD, care of the largely unsubstantiated "suggestions of the state"-type axioms about size and eating that our parents and the media tend to drill into our heads from a young age. These aren't always rational, yet they remain in our consciousness for a long damn time. Maybe even forever. 

"Till at last the child's mind is these suggestions, and the sum of the suggestions is the child's mind. And not the child's mind only. The adult's mind too - all his life long. The mind that judges and desire and decides-made up of these suggestions. But all these suggestions are our suggestions...Suggestions from the State." ~ Aldous Huxley, Brave New World


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## MisticalMisty (Nov 11, 2009)

I had this happen recently. Her status was:

Just because it comes in your size, doesn't mean you have any business wearing it.

I was LIVID for more than one reason, but I'll only go into the part about fat.

I left a comment that said that I'm fat and I wear bikini's and anything I damn well please and just because SHE had body image issues didn't mean that everyone else did.

She never responded but some of her friends did.

I finally deleted her. She's one of those Christians that would post about her love of Jesus, bible versus etc and then say hypocritical bullshit like that. UGH.


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## Jes (Nov 12, 2009)

we've all said things that would annoy or piss off a friend. and i think sometimes we don't stand up for ourselves. I've tried to make myself do that w/o getting upset or angry about it. being factual or espousing your opinion is never wrong in a friendship. i can stay friends with someone (perhaps not as closely as before) who would say or think something like that. I mean, how many times may I have blasted a Republican on facebook or anywhere else? it happens.

Anyway, recently an old friend of mine posted something about how her 82 year old father had been mugged. he was basically ok, but very shaken up and very scared. my friend was, of course, horrified and livid. she posted about it, and in her post she mentioned that he'd been mugged by a black man.

was there any need for her to indicate his color? no. was their mal intent, there? quite possibly, yes. did i feel I wanted to tell her I was sorry for her dad's mugging. yes. did i feel i could do that and ignore what might be a racist comment? no. 

so i wrote something like: I'm so sorry to hear that your father went through that. it must've been horrible for him to be attacked that way, regardless of the color of the mugger. 
(or something like that. I don't recall). If you think about it, on a social networking site, your'e not just responding to 1 person, you're responding to anyone else who has responded, and you're communicating with anyone in the network who might be reading it. 

She said her piece, i said my piece. Everyone who read saw my opinion. that's all that needed to happen. i'm not going to change her mind, she won't change mine but we each got to say what we wanted to say and what, for whatever reason, right or wrong, it was important for us to say.

just b/c someone says something horrible or something I don't like does not mean that I have no voice. that's really good to for me to remember. In other words, you can use someone's post as a teaching moment.


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## Tracy (Nov 12, 2009)

One of my friends on facebook had posted a comment back when the swine flu issue first came about. I can't recall his exact wording but it was along the lines of fat people and don't poke the pork. I did let him know that his comment was rude and uncalled for and with all the other issues of the world going on that the last thing he needed to post was hurtful comments about fat people.


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## bdog (Nov 12, 2009)

MisticalMisty said:


> I left a comment that said that I'm fat and I wear bikini's and anything I damn well please and just because SHE had body image issues didn't mean that everyone else did.



right on. i think this is the best response.

i think her comment was truly anti-fat. the original one, not so much.


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## Sandie S-R (Nov 12, 2009)

I tend to post things about good body image and healthy respect for oneself (and one's body) every so often (on my wall) and all my facebook friends respond in a positive manner. Once or twice I had someone post something negative about being fat, and depending on the person, I will either counter their comment with something positive and educational about fat acceptance, or I just delete their comment. That is the nice part about facebook, you can delete things that bother you. 

If this person is someone you care about greatly, you could certainly try explaining to her (in a private note) how her comment made you feel, and why you appreciate her toning down the negative comments around you.


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## missy_blue_eyez (Nov 12, 2009)

I actually deleted someone a few days ago for posting something along the lines of 'Oh my god, if I dont stop eating Im gonna be so fat and horrible Im gonna have to start wearing Inspire' (Inspire is a plus size clothing range here in the Uk that goes from a 16-26) I couldnt even be bothered to challenge it I just thought *delete delete delete* wasnt someone I ever really spoke to anyway just a very old school acquaintance!


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 12, 2009)

Sandie S-R said:


> If this person is someone you care about greatly, you could certainly try explaining to her (in a private note) how her comment made you feel, and why you appreciate her toning down the negative comments around you.



Totally agree. And I would, if she was. She's not, so I'm not going to waste my time.

Gotta choose my battles, and I realized this isn't one I care enough about (in this permutation of it).


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 12, 2009)

bdog said:


> i think her comment was truly anti-fat. the original one, not so much.



oh really? i think that the original comment, which is spreading the stereotype that fat people lack discipline and planning skills is definitely anti-fat. it is certainly a stereotype that adversely affects the life of fat people. 

the comment you classify as "truly anti-fat" has to do with fat appearances, and i agree that it is also anti-fat. but there are other anti-fat sentiments that may not have to do with perceptions of physical beauty, but are still anti-fat in other ways - like about character/personality/psychological flaws. they all count, in my book.


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## cupcakediva (Nov 12, 2009)

Hi Dims Family,im always on facebook or myspace i farmville...yoville...fishville...farmtown lol i usually post stuff about my grandkids or bible verses ive seen some of the anti-fat stuff posted they probably feel badf about themselves so they post ugly things to make themselves look swell and feel better im a ssbbw that loves the lord..my family and making friends from all over the world so let "haters" hate you can find me ...crystal neal-chisholm (the profile with 144 friends ) lets farm yall (((((hugs)))))


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## ekmanifest (Nov 13, 2009)

I have really noticed this as well on Facebook - there have been three or four - can't now remember the exact comments, but let me tell you - I do remember who made them. The one that really blew me away was an application that was something to the effect of How fat are you? and the picture that showed up when someone took the quiz was a photo of four people who are Dimensions members (one that I know in person) in bikinis. I sent an e-mail to the application creator. That one infuriated me.


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## Jes (Nov 13, 2009)

Yeah, it can suck. 

I also hate when my pals get all christian-y though. Creeps my shit out. Sorry y'all. Christian-y or really conservative.


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 13, 2009)

Jes said:


> Yeah, it can suck.
> 
> I also hate when my pals get all christian-y though. Creeps my shit out. Sorry y'all. Christian-y or really conservative.



Are your friends just expressing their own beliefs, or are they saying you need to believe/think/act like them? Because I think there's a difference between someone talking about their own life and extolling what they believe are the virtues of what their life is about (be it their committment to fitness, their religion, or their idea that living by the beach is the best thing ever), and someone who blasts others who are not like that. For someone to be like: "Horseracing/Buddhism/TaeBo/Jesus has really turned my life around and I can't imagine life without it, it's so great!" is really different than someone saying "Everyone who doesn't love Horseracing/Buddhism/TaeBo/Jesus is an ugly and terrible person."

I want people to be able to honestly share who they are, including their positive passions that are totally different than mine. What would be the alternative? No one gets to say anything ever? I don't want to live in a world where people are not allowed to express our beliefs and ideas just because others don't agree. But I guess I draw the line where people begin to insult, devalue, or degrade others who do not share their passions.


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## Jes (Nov 13, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> Are your friends just expressing their own beliefs, or are they saying you need to believe/think/act like them? Because I think there's a difference between someone talking about their own life and extolling what they believe are the virtues of what their life is about (be it their committment to fitness, their religion, or their idea that living by the beach is the best thing ever), and someone who blasts others who are not like that. For someone to be like: "Horseracing/Buddhism/TaeBo/Jesus has really turned my life around and I can't imagine life without it, it's so great!" is really different than someone saying "Everyone who doesn't love Horseracing/Buddhism/TaeBo/Jesus is an ugly and terrible person."
> 
> I want people to be able to honestly share who they are, including their positive passions that are totally different than mine. What would be the alternative? No one gets to say anything ever? I don't want to live in a world where people are not allowed to express our beliefs and ideas just because others don't agree. But I guess I draw the line where people begin to insult, devalue, or degrade others who do not share their passions.



Either way, i find it creepy. Because most weren't religious when i knew them. And it's foreign to me. I'm not saying it's right that it's creepy, i'm just honestly sharing who I am, as you said above. A good friend, with whom I used to have so much in common, doesn't have to tell ME to vote for Sarah Palin for it to be creepy. She just has to post about how smart and wonderful she thinks Sarah is. But then again, if we were still super close, we'd probably still be Friends friends, and not Facebook friends.

When we engage in social networking, we are opening ourselves to seeing all of this, but we can also shut that down. Personally, I've never liked the idea of reading the private blog of a friend (private in that it's not directed at anyone in particular). I've found out more than I've wanted when I've done so, and I'm not a big enough person to integrate that well (i.e., you loan someone money b/c she says she really needs it for staples, but she'll pay it back and a week later, you're looking at blog pix of her 3 pairs of new shoes. I'm not saying she can't ask for money, I'm not saying she can't use it to buy shoes, I'm saying it's a bad idea when you can easily see/find that info out. At least if you're me, I mean).

If your friends were posting about how they feel like pigs when they're fat and it's really gross and they think clothes for fat people are ugly, or whatever, is that ok to you? I mean, that person hasn't said anything to you specifically.


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 13, 2009)

Jes said:


> If your friends were posting about how they feel like pigs when they're fat and it's really gross and they think clothes for fat people are ugly, or whatever, is that ok to you? I mean, that person hasn't said anything to you specifically.



Yeah, that's a great question. I honestly don't know. I mean, yes, it would bother me -- but I also know that sometimes people do hate their bodies for various reasons, and they should be able to express their true feelings at whatever stage they happen to be in the body acceptance/non-acceptance process. Does that mean they don't also have some kind of obligation to be thoughtful about other people and how their statements might be received? No. Does that mean they shouldn't be allowed to express certain things? Not necessarily.

I guess it's kind of a gray area. Good question.


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## Jes (Nov 13, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> I guess it's kind of a gray area. Good question.



Right...and I'd have a hard time not personalizing their comments...but then again, a number of thin women at Dims who have mentioned having ED's have repeated what I know to be true: many people with deep-seated body issues are really only thinking about themselves and don't judge anyone as harshly as they judge themselves.


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## BeaBea (Nov 14, 2009)

Interesting thread... 

A friend of mine on Facebook recently disappeared, and then requested that I re-add him, this time with a new name. I did, thinking his account might have been hacked or something, and didn't think too much more about it. The next time we chatted online though he told me was running two Facebook accounts - one for his family and friends and one specially for fat people... 

I didn't bother telling him how I felt but just deleted him. Frankly I couldn't be bothered wasting my time telling him just how creepy I found his behaviour. Having a list of 'secret' friends seems to be to be the very definition of a complete lack of integrity and thats not the sort of person I want to be friends with.

So if you're reading this and wondering why I disappeared from your 'Fat fantasy' Facebook account - now you know! To anyone else who wants to be friends and just has the one Facebook account, please add me 

Tracey xx


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## DitzyBrunette (Nov 14, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> Interesting thread...
> 
> A friend of mine on Facebook recently disappeared, and then requested that I re-add him, this time with a new name. I did, thinking his account might have been hacked or something, and didn't think too much more about it. The next time we chatted online though he told me was running two Facebook accounts - one for his family and friends and one specially for fat people...




Seriously? 
I can't even believe someone would actually say that to another person, let alone actually HAVE two FB's for that reason. That's insane! What a tool!! :doh:


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 14, 2009)

DitzyBrunette said:


> Seriously?
> I can't even believe someone would actually say that to another person, let alone actually HAVE two FB's for that reason. That's insane! What a tool!! :doh:



I'm with DB. WTF? doesn't even begin to cover it.


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

i'm really not trying to be dismissive. i really understand where the op is coming from but respectfully:

my personal opinion is life is too short to let something as small as a facebook status about fat bother you. i think its much better to concentrate on being ok with yourself, loving yourself enough so that little things like that bounce right off. people are always saying or doing something messed up--all of us have. sometimes it pays to save your energy for a battle thats really important. it took me a while to get my priorities straight and it helps a lot when it comes to other things. i still slip up sometimes but i think its much better than it would have been if i never remembered at all to save most of my energy for things that mattered a bit more. 

the thing about social networking sites is that they are pretty trivial. they trivialize people into little phrases and snippets and we are so much more than that. we have to know that they don't define us. and maybe we need to stop looking for reasons to get upset. small negative things that people say about fat don't generally seem to bother people much unless deep down they already hold some conviction unconsciously that the negative statement is true. so if people can face and let go of some of those negative assumptions about themselves some of the sensitivity might go away. sure its not nice but it doesn't have to apply to you. it reminds me of something snoop dog said once (font of wisdom that he is) when he was confronted about calliing women hos and how mysogynistic that was. he basically said that if he was singing a song about bitches and hos and you weren't one why should it bother you?

the important thing is to remember is who your real friends are. who was there for you when it really counted? who looked after your children at a difficult time? who held your hand in the hospital? who let you cry on thier shoulder when you were emotinally shattered? who was there for you cheering you on through all of your challenges? when you have real friends like that why do you go looking for little silly reasons to hate them and make your fat somehow thier fault? maybe we have to ask ourselves why are we looking for any little notion of fat negativity on facebook? why is it so important to us that our friends be perfect in every little way when relating to our fat. why are we so sensitive about it? maybe its has something more to do with things we still need to face when the word fat pops up? and even moreso why are we so upset when people who really aren't our friends that we hardly know bring it up? maybe its not about them so much as it is about us giving such little things so much power over us.


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## BeaBea (Nov 16, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> think its much better to concentrate on being ok with yourself, loving yourself enough so that little things like that bounce right off.



Sorry but I disagree. I'm also trying not to be dismissive but I am absolutely happy with my size and I do love myself - and that's what gives me the strength to tackle stuff issues like this. 

It really matters to me that my friends and I agree on the fundamentals in life. I wouldn't let my friends make a racist remark and not call them on it - and by the same token I wont let them be 'sizeist' I understand that everyone is tackling their own body issues but it's not ok for them to badmouth everyone else just to make themselves feel better. 

I'm not saying the OP has to make a huge deal out of this - but if it bothers her then (and it seems to me that it does because she started this thread) then she shouldn't be expected to just sit back and take it either.

Tracey


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> Sorry but I disagree. I'm also trying not to be dismissive but I am absolutely happy with my size and I do love myself - and that's what gives me the strength to tackle stuff issues like this.
> 
> It really matters to me that my friends and I agree on the fundamentals in life. I wouldn't let my friends make a racist remark and not call them on it - and by the same token I wont let them be 'sizeist' I understand that everyone is tackling their own body issues but it's not ok for them to badmouth everyone else just to make themselves feel better.
> 
> ...



i agree. you don't have to let it go totally. its good to educate people. but you can't let it determine you and how you feel about yourself. it can't ruin your entire day or life or something. also sizism is not quite like race since, in my opinion, you can deteremine your size but not your race. sizism doesn't have the same historical dynamic. there was no holocaust for fat people, no slavery for fat people. so i think thats a little bit of an exxageration but i do get your point and it is a good one.

i think we have a big problem though if we let sizism anger us and get us down so much--as though its true. it just seems to kind of underscore that maybe the haters are right if we give them too much attention. giving crazy people anger validation might not be such a good idea. it brings then to the center of things instead of leaving them on the radical weird fringes where they belong. also you have to remember a lot of people who aren't fat struggle with issues around their weight. so its not always about you ( you as in us fat women). all of this anger and hostility aimed at other people or even held within ourselves has to be dealt with in honesty. educating people is not the same as hostile confrontation. its hard to educate with a hair trigger.

also as in regards to race, when it comes to change its talking,education and even friendship, not hostility that helps to resolve it (non- violent social change). i have friends who were racist, especially in my childhood growing up in alabama. guess what? i think staying thier friend did more to kill their racism than becoming thier enemy. i'm not saying they were trying to burn my house down because they were white but they lived in a society that was encouraging them to smile on that just like people who say negative things about fat live in a society that encourages that behavior. you can't ignore all of who a person is just because they behave stupidly sometimes or because they are still trying to figure out what the "truth" is. i'm happy to say that today i am so proud of them. they have changed so much. they are the best advocates for people like me in thier own communities. i'm glad i hung in there with them and didn't dismiss them as people.


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## BeaBea (Nov 16, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> also sizism is not quite like race



Sorry, I wasn't implying they were, only they they are (in my opinion) both unacceptable prejudices. 

Tracey


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> Sorry, I wasn't implying they were, only they they are (in my opinion) both unacceptable prejudices.
> 
> Tracey



true dat


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

Jes said:


> Either way, i find it creepy. Because most weren't religious when i knew them. And it's foreign to me. I'm not saying it's right that it's creepy, i'm just honestly sharing who I am, as you said above. A good friend, with whom I used to have so much in common, doesn't have to tell ME to vote for Sarah Palin for it to be creepy. She just has to post about how smart and wonderful she thinks Sarah is. But then again, if we were still super close, we'd probably still be Friends friends, and not Facebook friends.
> 
> When we engage in social networking, we are opening ourselves to seeing all of this, but we can also shut that down. Personally, I've never liked the idea of reading the private blog of a friend (private in that it's not directed at anyone in particular). I've found out more than I've wanted when I've done so, and I'm not a big enough person to integrate that well (i.e., you loan someone money b/c she says she really needs it for staples, but she'll pay it back and a week later, you're looking at blog pix of her 3 pairs of new shoes. I'm not saying she can't ask for money, I'm not saying she can't use it to buy shoes, I'm saying it's a bad idea when you can easily see/find that info out. At least if you're me, I mean).
> If your friends were posting about how they feel like pigs when they're fat and it's really gross and they think clothes for fat people are ugly, or whatever, is that ok to you? I mean, that person hasn't said anything to you specifically.



yeah i notice a lot of religious talk on my page too. it usually is coming from people who've gone through some horrible things in their life like cancer, deaths, addictions etc... and are trying to make some kind of a change or just make sense of thier life. they really don't mean me any harm so i let it go even though i'm not religious. but sometimes i do shudder because some of the language just seems really odd and extreme and i know that a focus on religion can hint at a mental disorder.

this is making me think that the people who post about looking like pigs,or other people looking like pigs must have some kind of serious dysmorphia. i like to post fat positive stuff for the dimsfolk on my facebook page but now i'm beginning to be glad that the others can see that stuff too. they probably need it a lot more. some of them, especially from highschool days have sent me some interesting messages about my size and attitude and how they feel about it. a lot of them have never had anyone disagree with thier negative attitude. at least they are thinking a little anyway. its time they had us brainwashing them from the other side. the rest of the world has had its way with them for too long.


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## rainyday (Nov 16, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> yeah i notice a lot of religious talk on my page too. it usually is coming from people who've gone through some horrible things in their life like cancer, deaths, addictions etc... and are trying to make some kind of a change or just make sense of thier life. they really don't mean me any harm so i let it go even though i'm not religious. but sometimes i do shudder because some of the language just seems really odd and extreme and i know that a focus on religion can hint at a mental disorder.



Wow. 

Can't really think of anything more to say than that at the moment.


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

maybe i should clarify that and say that *very extreme focus on religion*. i really don't mean to say that i think religious people are crazy at all. i have friends who battle with schizophrenia etc... and extreme attention to religion and religious ideas is one of the main symptoms. its interesting because you can always tell when they are off thier medication. its also well noted that people who go through serious traumas go through something similar at times.

i definitely need to be waaay more careful with what i say, how i say it and explain myself better! can i borrow the face palming visual please?


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## Jes (Nov 16, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> maybe i should clarify that and say that *very extreme focus on religion*. i really don't mean to say that i think religious people are crazy at all. i have friends who battle with schizophrenia etc... and extreme attention to religion and religious ideas is one of the main symptoms. its interesting because you can always tell when they are off thier medication. its also well noted that people who go through serious traumas go through something similar at times.
> 
> i definitely need to be waaay more careful with what i say, how i say it and explain myself better!


there can be a real fanaticism there, you're right. And it's never worked out that I've been close friends with someone very religious (in the Judeo-Christian tradition at least) and so it's really foreign to me to read old friends saying those words. So often. That's just not the person I knew.


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 16, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> Gotta choose my battles, and I realized this isn't one I care enough about (in this permutation of it).



Just quoted this above to show that I made it clear that I am not letting this small thing get to me in any major way. I mean, I read my friend's status, and in the heat of the moment I was really angry, and started this thread. 

But for the record, I prefer human interaction face-to-face and not via social networking sites.



superodalisque said:


> i'm really not trying to be dismissive. i really understand where the op is coming from but respectfully:
> my personal opinion is life is too short to let something as small as a facebook status about fat bother you. ...



First of all, I think it's okay to be bothered by the structures and ideologies that exist in our world that lead to certain groups of people to be marginalized or discriminated against in major ways. And, when these come to the surface (even via something as superficial/small as a facebook post), I think it's absolutely fine, and even called for, to be bothered. 

Does that mean I think it should rule someone's life, and depress someone for weeks? Of course not. But being bothered by ideas like the intial facebook post I quoted, ideas that exist in the world and that create stereotypes that unfairly and adversely affect my life and the lives of other fat people - I think that is very much called for. Like I said, it doesn't mean you let it drag you down, but I respectfully disagree with you that it's better not to be bothered by such things. 

Being bothered, and handling it productively, is what leads to social change. If people shrugged everything off, things would stay exactly how they are. Of course we choose our battles, and I didn't choose this one in the end, but being bothered can be quite a productive thing.



superodalisque said:


> also as in regards to race, when it comes to change its talking,education and even friendship, not hostility that helps to resolve it (non- violent social change). i have friends who were racist, especially in my childhood growing up in alabama. guess what? i think staying thier friend did more to kill their racism than becoming thier enemy. i'm not saying they were trying to burn my house down because they were white but they lived in a society that was encouraging them to smile on that just like people who say negative things about fat live in a society that encourages that behavior. you can't ignore all of who a person is just because they behave stupidly sometimes or because they are still trying to figure out what the "truth" is. i'm happy to say that today i am so proud of them. they have changed so much. they are the best advocates for people like me in thier own communities. i'm glad i hung in there with them and didn't dismiss them as people.



This is good, and this is what I meant about handling being bothered in a "productive" way. I agree that racisim and sizism are very different, but neither one is solved by pretending it doesn't exist and just deciding not to be "bothered" by it.


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 16, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> I'm not saying the OP has to make a huge deal out of this - but if it bothers her then (and it seems to me that it does because she started this thread) then she shouldn't be expected to just sit back and take it either.



Thanks for supporting my right to be bothered.  

The initial incident that started this thread is totally off my radar, and I pretty much was over it a little while after starting this thread. But it's been nice to hear everyone's viewpoints, nevertheless.


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> Just quoted this above to show that I made it clear that I am not letting this small thing get to me in any major way. I mean, I read my friend's status, and in the heat of the moment I was really angry, and started this thread.
> 
> But for the record, I prefer human interaction face-to-face and not via social networking sites.
> 
> ...



i understand what your saying. but i also think its very important for people to understand that taking things into yourself too much can be self destructive. you have to keep a proper distance between yourself and negativity. one of my personal theories about fat and bad health is that a lot of it has to do with all of the negativity we take into us. we give the bad stuff so much weight (no pun intended). no wonder we have so much depression, heart desease, and autoimmune desease. docs already know what negativity does to the human body. its much more dangerous than even the often times false beliefs people have about the effect that fat has on health. its good to see injustice and change it but i think its worthwhile to control how much you allow it to control you or your emotions. that stuff has an emotional and physical impact. i'm not sure it helps to let things like that into your soul.


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 16, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i understand what your saying. but i also think its very important for people to understand that taking things into yourself too much can be self destructive. you have to keep a proper distance between yourself and negativity. one of my personal theories about fat and bad health is that a lot of it has to do with all of the negativity we take into us. we give the bad stuff so much weight (no pun intended). no wonder we have so much depression, heart desease, and autoimmune desease. docs already know what negativity does to the human body. its much more dangerous than even the often times false beliefs people have about the effect that fat has on health. its good to see injustice and change it but i think its worthwhile to control how much you allow it to control you or your emotions. that stuff has an emotional and physical impact. i'm not sure it helps to let things like that into your soul.



Fair enough. But I think someone can be frustrated by some of the negative ideas/paradigms/ideologies that exist, and work to make them better, without letting them "into your soul." I guess I don't think it's so either/or -- like, you have to either totally brush off statements like that, or let them into your soul. 

And, at least for me, one of the reasons I visit a forum like Dimensions is to "be" in a place for a little while where I can read people's opinions and thoughts on various things without having to deal with a certain type of negativity that is present (at least to some extent) in most other arenas of life. (Of course other types of negativity are here, but I think you know what I mean.)


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## superodalisque (Nov 17, 2009)

womanforconversation said:


> Fair enough. But I think someone can be frustrated by some of the negative ideas/paradigms/ideologies that exist, and work to make them better, without letting them "into your soul." I guess I don't think it's so either/or -- like, you have to either totally brush off statements like that, or let them into your soul.
> 
> And, at least for me, one of the reasons I visit a forum like Dimensions is to "be" in a place for a little while where I can read people's opinions and thoughts on various things without having to deal with a certain type of negativity that is present (at least to some extent) in most other arenas of life. (Of course other types of negativity are here, but I think you know what I mean.)



definitely


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## missy_blue_eyez (Nov 17, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> Interesting thread...
> 
> A friend of mine on Facebook recently disappeared, and then requested that I re-add him, this time with a new name. I did, thinking his account might have been hacked or something, and didn't think too much more about it. The next time we chatted online though he told me was running two Facebook accounts - one for his family and friends and one specially for fat people...
> 
> ...


Ahhhhhhhh the fatty collectors! Yeh, I dont add them! As a rule, I dont add anyone that I dont know personally. I do add Dim's people but not the lurkery type fatty collector ones.......! But I have seen regularly people that have 2 different profiles......one for collecting fatties and another for their 'real' life! Dickheads!


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