# Coming to terms



## TheKayDee83 (Feb 23, 2010)

In your own dating experience, have you ever met someone who was never someone who was into being with a BBW but somehow ended up wanting to be with you in spite of it?

OK. I have put a few posts up in response to other threads but I kinda wanted opinions on an issue I have been facing for years. To me this is a safe place so I finally feel like I can really share this with people who can understand. To explain a little, I myself have been in an on and off relationship with a man for over 7 years now. And a big issue in our relationship has been my size. Not necessarily from him, but from his family (especially his brothers) and a good chunk of his friends. He never could come out and tell me it was because of my size. But for more years then I care to admit, he kept me from everyone on his end. Thankfully that has changed, everyone is aware of me, everyone has met me, most still don't "know" me, but they know I exist. But now my issue is more everything that the years leading up to this has done to my self of esteem. 

When it comes to him, I am more self conscious then I have ever been. I will not let him see me naked, we don't "fool around" with the lights on, we've tried to have sex but he ends up giving up real quick so we've never in our entire relationship had sex. I won't change in front of him, I don't wear revealing things, I am just like the absence of who I want to be sexually with him.

But on the other side, this man knows me better then anyone. He gets my sense of humor, we have the same goals in life as far as marriage, children, we have similar morals. In every other aspect the listed above, I can be myself completely. 

Even out in public, he has never denied me, he always holds my hand and kisses me and shows everyone he is with me. But it wasn't until the last few years that he was able to do this around his family or friends.

It's just. I love this man. I really do. I know it may sound weird and I know that most of you will say we should have went our separate ways a long time ago. But aside from all the negative aspects, it has always just felt right.

And now my issue is trying to move past the past and try to accept myself for what and who I am, and that is a wonderful person who is a BBW. He is supportive. I mean, he tells me I am beautiful and stuff, but it is hard for me to get past.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or any advice to help me with this? This man in question and I are moving in together next week and I am finding myself having huge reservations about it solely because he may end up accidentally seeing me naked! HELP! I think if I can get past this aspect, he and I could have a very happy fulfilling life together and I do not want to ruin this because I cannot move on!


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## LovelyLiz (Feb 24, 2010)

First of all let me just say that I can understand how deep and painful some of those insecurities can run. Really, I do. It sounds like a really tough situation with a lot of complex and competing emotional pulls. So please know that I hear where you're coming from when I give this advice:

Take off your clothes. Right now. Be naked in front of him, before you move in together, and do it now. Turn the lights on, get naked together, and don't be let fear and shame win the day.

This fear that he will discover what you look like naked and leave you? That is going to destroy you and this relationship. You need to know for sure, and the only way to know is to let it happen. If he loves you and believes you're beautiful (as you already said), then it's all good. But you seriously need to banish that fear.

Get naked. Rock your fat, sexy, naked self with the man you love. And do it now.


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## katherine22 (Feb 24, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> In your own dating experience, have you ever met someone who was never someone who was into being with a BBW but somehow ended up wanting to be with you in spite of it?
> 
> OK. I have put a few posts up in response to other threads but I kinda wanted opinions on an issue I have been facing for years. To me this is a safe place so I finally feel like I can really share this with people who can understand. To explain a little, I myself have been in an on and off relationship with a man for over 7 years now. And a big issue in our relationship has been my size. Not necessarily from him, but from his family (especially his brothers) and a good chunk of his friends. He never could come out and tell me it was because of my size. But for more years then I care to admit, he kept me from everyone on his end. Thankfully that has changed, everyone is aware of me, everyone has met me, most still don't "know" me, but they know I exist. But now my issue is more everything that the years leading up to this has done to my self of esteem.
> 
> ...




My dear - it has taken me 40 years to find a man who appreciates my size. Just take your clothes off and be a beautiful diva and love your man. There is nothing like being appreciated for your body - nothing compares to seeing a man take joy in your body- just allow this to be in your life. If you love each other - the rest will fall into place.


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## desertcheeseman (Feb 24, 2010)

If your relationship is full and complete in all ways but one, you have to approach that one thing and confront it. Because it's going to come out eventually, and it will eat at you mercilessly until it does. It's impossible to hide, especially if the two of you live in the same house. And if your sweetie is like me and every other man I know, he wants to see you naked. I don't care how you think you look or how chaste your relationship is, but if he's male, he passionately desires to know the body of his beloved. He might not say it in so many words, because he might be just as shy and guarded as you are. But if he's been with you for seven years, and he's matured in that time like you said he has regarding opening up to his friends and family, I think he will appreciate your honesty and willingness to open up in front of him... and he will respond in kind.


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## Jes (Feb 24, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> First of all let me just say that I can understand how deep and painful some of those insecurities can run. Really, I do. It sounds like a really tough situation with a lot of complex and competing emotional pulls. So please know that I hear where you're coming from when I give this advice:
> 
> Take off your clothes. Right now. Be naked in front of him, before you move in together, and do it now. Turn the lights on, get naked together, and don't be let fear and shame win the day.
> 
> ...



my god. Absolute brilliance.

I have one thing to add---do you walk around naked, alone? If not, start immediately. Get in 4 hours a day of naked time. I am serious. I honestly believe, and I've said it before, that one of things that can make being naked around someone feel strange is -- the strange feeling of being naked, period. For me, it's not odd. I spend a lot of my time alone naked, or in panties, or in panties and bra. I very rarely wear clothes when I'm home alone. You know how it feels crazy to be naked, but wearing clunky shoes, for example? How it never happens, so when you make a point of doing it, it's hysterical? Well if you're naked and used to it, it will feel natural, which will carry over into being naked in front of someone else.


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## jewels_mystery (Feb 24, 2010)

Jes said:


> my god. Absolute brilliance.
> 
> I have one thing to add---do you walk around naked, alone? If not, start immediately. Get in 4 hours a day of naked time. I am serious. I honestly believe, and I've said it before, that one of things that can make being naked around someone feel strange is -- the strange feeling of being naked, period. For me, it's not odd. I spend a lot of my time alone naked, or in panties, or in panties and bra. I very rarely wear clothes when I'm home alone. You know how it feels crazy to be naked, but wearing clunky shoes, for example? How it never happens, so when you make a point of doing it, it's hysterical? Well if you're naked and used to it, it will feel natural, which will carry over into being naked in front of someone else.



I have to agree with the ladies. Walk around naked, look at yourself in the mirror. Learn to love your body and curves. Once you do that, a whole new world will open up.


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## Seraphina (Feb 24, 2010)

jewels_mystery said:


> I have to agree with the ladies. Walk around naked, look at yourself in the mirror. Learn to love your body and curves. Once you do that, a whole new world will open up.



Have to agree with than and once you've done that then enjoy being naked with your man. I get into bed naked with my hubby *every* night whether I feel sexy, horny, lovey, sick, down, miserable or just in one of those body hate moments. It always feels good when we cuddle up naked together and it always reaffirms that he finds me sexy even when I could cheerfully throw myself off the nearest tall building.


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## MisticalMisty (Feb 24, 2010)

#1 Get naked *great start girls*

#2 Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself. SEE yourself through your eyes. Not your boyfriend's, his family, your family, society, YOURS.

What do you see? Touch your body and feel who you are.

I hate to tell you this...he can see you through the clothes...they don't hide that much.

If you trust him enough to move in with him, you have to trust him enough to love all of you. 

You don't have to jump in feet first with this..take your time...but you have to start taking the steps towards full on naked and sex...intimacy is important!


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## LovelyLiz (Feb 24, 2010)

I totally agree with Jes and everyone who talked about getting naked by yourself too. Brush your teeth naked, watch tv naked, wash dishes naked, etc etc etc. (Just don't cook naked - burns happen that way. )



MisticalMisty said:


> SNIPPED...
> You don't have to jump in feet first with this..take your time...but you have to start taking the steps towards full on naked and sex...intimacy is important!



I am all for taking your time too, as long as that means taking off your shirt and bra, and then waiting maybe 5 seconds and taking off everything else. Otherwise, rip that bandaid off fast! Why live any longer in fear and dread than you absolutely have to?


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## TheKayDee83 (Feb 24, 2010)

Thank you ALL so very, very much regarding this!!! Before I had tried to talk about this with a few friends over the years, but none of them were even kinda big and had no idea what my hang up was over it. So, I have basically had to carry this burden alone. I talk to my guy about it and he tries so hard to be supportive, but he's not big either and has no idea where I come from. All he does know is that it is effecting us on intimate level and is desperate for me to allow this to happen so the rest of it can fall into place. 

I would love to do it right now, like this minute, but long story short, about 6 months ago I HAD to move out of state, and actually Tuesday I am flying back to my home state to get him and my stuff and then drive the 1000 miles to get back to what will be OUR home, so it will have to wait unfortunately. I mean, I kinda have the confidence to do it RIGHT NOW, lol. But I will do everything I can to hold on to this feeling. 

Every one of you is god sent! Never in my life have I felt that I could really talk people about this and actually have them understand! This means more to me then I will ever be able to express. So thank you all, again, from the bottom of my heart! I will do my best to make you all proud! And keep a look out, when I finally buckle down and accomplish this, I will be sure to post that I have done so and what the outcome. And hopefully this will be like, as soon as we get back to our home!

Oh, and my boyfriend says, and I quote, "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!" 

Hehehe!:wubu:


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## Tooz (Feb 24, 2010)

katherine22 said:


> My dear - it has taken me 40 years to find a man who appreciates my size. Just take your clothes off and be a beautiful diva and love your man. There is nothing like being appreciated for your body - nothing compares to seeing a man take joy in your body- just allow this to be in your life. If you love each other - the rest will fall into place.



I really agree with this. You even said that he does not find fault in your size. He actually sounds very loving and attentive. Let it go, really. Be you-- he loves YOU. You know?


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## sweet&fat (Feb 24, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> When it comes to him, I am more self conscious then I have ever been. I will not let him see me naked, we don't "fool around" with the lights on, *we've tried to have sex but he ends up giving up real quick* so we've never in our entire relationship had sex. I won't change in front of him, I don't wear revealing things, I am just like the absence of who I want to be sexually with him.



Do you mean he gives up because he has a problem, or he gives up because he thinks you're uncomfortable etc? I don't mean to pry, but this seems to be a very important detail.


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## TheKayDee83 (Feb 24, 2010)

Tooz said:


> I really agree with this. You even said that he does not find fault in your size. He actually sounds very loving and attentive. Let it go, really. Be you-- he loves YOU. You know?



I know. And I really need to. I just never cared so much about what someone though, you know? I mean, I have been naked in front of a very, VERY few select people, but those, sure I cared about, but my life wouldn't have been over if they didn't like what then seen, you know? I mean, with my boyfriend, he means the world to me and what he thinks of me really matters. And I think that is where my fear has always came from. From the beginning he and I have had this unshakable bond and from that mixed with the early reactions to me from everyone around him, it just shut me down. 

But I am trying, I will do this, and I have you all to think for the courage to do it!


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## TheKayDee83 (Feb 24, 2010)

sweet&fat said:


> Do you mean he gives up because he has a problem, or he gives up because he thinks you're uncomfortable etc? I don't mean to pry, but this seems to be a very important detail.



Um, more like I get uncomfortable with what he trys and although I don't tell him to stop or anything, he picks up on it and does. Then we just kinda cuddle and I say I am sorry and he says it's ok. We do other stuff sexually, but never the actual act of sex.


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## TheKayDee83 (Feb 24, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> I know. And I really need to. I just never cared so much about what someone though, you know? I mean, I have been naked in front of a very, VERY few select people, but those, sure I cared about, but my life wouldn't have been over if they didn't like what then seen, you know? I mean, with my boyfriend, he means the world to me and what he thinks of me really matters. And I think that is where my fear has always came from. From the beginning he and I have had this unshakable bond and from that mixed with the early reactions to me from everyone around him, it just shut me down.
> 
> But I am trying, I will do this, and I have you all to think for the courage to do it!





sweet&fat said:


> Do you mean he gives up because he has a problem, or he gives up because he thinks you're uncomfortable etc? I don't mean to pry, but this seems to be a very important detail.



And you are right. It is important. It is a little of both. He (although I tell him often) thinks it is due to his "size" is the reason we have had hick ups as far as the sex thing goes. I KNOW it is because of my size. He wants to do the whole sweet, make love, face to face, kissing kinda sex. And I would LOVE to do that with him, but we are the same hight, and I have a big belly, so that kinda puts his face about chest level when we try THAT. So we've half assly tried other positions but I get embarrassed and he thinks it's him and it is just a big ol mess. So after I get over the whole being naked in front of him, I need to figure out positions that gives us what he wants and still allows us to just have sex period.


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## Seraphina (Feb 25, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> I need to figure out positions that gives us what he wants and still allows us to just have sex period.



One of my favourite postions, because my hubby and I can still look at each others faces is: I like on my back and he lies on his side, he penetrates me and I put one leg between his and one leg over his thigh (it's a variation on the Cross. It's a nice intimate position without belly getting in the way but equally I don't feel like I am hiding away, it's a good confidence booster as a well as a good position.

I hope that you find a way to be comfortable and have good sex with your man, it's one of those things that everyone should get to enjoy and your size certainly doesn't preclude you!


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## Jes (Feb 25, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> Thank you ALL so very, very much regarding this!!! Before I had tried to talk about this with a few friends over the years, but none of them were even kinda big and had no idea what my hang up was over it. So, I have basically had to carry this burden alone. :



I do not want to tell you that I know your life better than you do; I don't. But I do want to offer another thing for you to consider. Most women I know, whether it's an old woman, a young woman, a teenager, a mother, a single woman, a married woman, a tall/thin/fat/red-headed/whatever woman, have body issues of some kind or other. It's very common among women. We ALL know a 125 lbs. woman who wants to lose weight. We ALL know a beautiful woman who won't wear a bathing suit. We ALL know a woman who sees wrinkles where we see none. We ALL know a woman who points out another woman who looks very similar and says: I wish I looked like HER! We know her, and many of us ARE her. 

I think that often, we fat women think that we corner the market on body unhappiness, or 'difference from others, ' or, I'm sorry to say, perceived ugliness. We don't. In thinking we're different, we set ourselves apart and feel 'less than,' or 'worse than,' and that's very hard to fight. I do it myself. It's a mistake and it's a trap and it's one we make for ourselves when we think WE are fundamentally different from other women because we're fat. We're ghettoizing ourselves, which is the last thing we should be doing. 

So perhaps if you realize that most women deal with these issues, you'll feel less alone still? Maybe your thinner friends didn't understand your hang up not b/c they're not fat, but b/c they themselves have their own hangups, which are different from yours. I mean, I don't understand the woman I know who is convinced she has wrinkles where I see none. But I certainly understand she struggles with looks like many women do. 

There is a little zen story I've posted before and I think about it sometimes when I'm stuck in a bad place. A master and student were taking a break from their studies and sitting by the bank of fast-moving river. The student said: Master, if I fall into this river, will I drown? And the master thought and then said: It is not the falling into the river that drowns you, it is the *staying* in. 

So take that first step to getting out of that river, girlie! It's something only you can do, and we believe in your ability to do it.


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## Haunted (Feb 25, 2010)

I know this is the BBW forum, But i really just wanted to offer a guys perspective. from what iv read he loves you very much, you say is isnt a self professed FA, but i dont think that really matters. its just a label and some people dont want to be labeled or dont feel the need to be labeled. you say he's never seen you Naked, but im sure he knows your a large girl, has he ever commented on your size ? has he ever avoided touching you?, has he ever shown any kind of negative reaction when he's with you? when love is found it transcends everything else. trust and honesty is a huge part of a strong relationship. 
i know its easier said than done... but let him see you, let him touch you, let him explore you and you him. we are our own worst enemies, the things you don't like about yourself he may love, at least thats the case with my relationship. this hangup really is small potatoes but if you let it, it will become a bigger monster. everyone is beautiful to someone 

Good luck


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## Tau (Feb 26, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> First of all let me just say that I can understand how deep and painful some of those insecurities can run. Really, I do. It sounds like a really tough situation with a lot of complex and competing emotional pulls. So please know that I hear where you're coming from when I give this advice:
> 
> Take off your clothes. Right now. Be naked in front of him, before you move in together, and do it now. Turn the lights on, get naked together, and don't be let fear and shame win the day.
> 
> ...



This. 

Have you spoken to him about how his denying you and not standing up to his family for you have hurt you? Your relationship sounds like a loving one, I think it would also really help how you feel about you if you guys talked about it, talked about why it happened and how it made you feel. And once you get naked the sex will be AWESOME!! LOL! You do not want to miss out on awesome sex chick!

Also, huge hugz. I hope it work out for you and your self-love and healing.


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## superodalisque (Feb 26, 2010)

i feel so bad for you and i'm so sorry you are going through this. its time for you to turn the lights on and admire yourself. look at yourself in the mirror. really look at your body. its beautiful. don't think of it in the context of other people or social convention. notice the color of your skin. notice its softness and other textures. look at your shapes. you are beautiful. love you. approve of you. leave the rest outside where it belongs.

as for your SO are you sure he doesn't like your body or is he just responding to how you react to it? if he isn't attracted to your body i think you deserve to find someone who is. guess what? there are men out there who will love you and your body. go to counseling. work on it if you want to. but my personal suggestion is that if that doesn't work you should go out and live your life. you don't want to waste the time you have with people who make you feel less than what you are. there are so many people ready and waiting to appreciate you. if your SO can't maybe its time to let them? you have to ask yourself "is this the life i envisioned for myself?" if its not maybe its time to go after that life . you don't have to hate him but allow him to fill the appropriate space in your life as a friend. but from what you've said i don't think its really his issue at all. so the focus should be you and your feelings about yourself.



PS: a sure killer of relationships is allowing the feelings and judgements of other people not your SO a place in your intimate life. they are NOT the ones in a relationship with you. relatives aquaintances and magazine authors aren't in your bedroom--only he is. they don't know your innermost thoughts. they shouldn't have a place between you and the person closest to your heart. i know its easy to say but at some point you really can't care that much what other people think if you are going to be happy. thoughts about what those other people might think are probably whats keeping you from enjoying your body as you could.


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## Linda (Feb 26, 2010)

All of your advice here is spot on. You need to move forward and not let your fears control you. That being said, it is not an easy thing to do when you are that scared. My advice to you is this: keep communicating with your boyfriend openly about your fears, take his hand and move forward one step at a time. While some people can tear off the bandaid and get over the pain quickly others can not. I think you know that this is your issue and no one elses. Never let anyone make you feel less than what you are. Never. It's going to be hard work to overcome your fear but you must in order to be happy and comfortable with who you are. Good luck to you.


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## TheKayDee83 (Feb 26, 2010)

Tau said:


> This.
> 
> Have you spoken to him about how his denying you and not standing up to his family for you have hurt you? Your relationship sounds like a loving one, I think it would also really help how you feel about you if you guys talked about it, talked about why it happened and how it made you feel. And once you get naked the sex will be AWESOME!! LOL! You do not want to miss out on awesome sex chick!
> 
> Also, huge hugz. I hope it work out for you and your self-love and healing.



I have. And a major part of that whole time period is complicated. The first time I met his family they said stuff like "I would be embarrassed to be seen in public with her" and all thought he MUST be suffering from low self esteem to want to be with someone who looks like I do. He was very reluctant to even tell me these things at first. And over the years his one brother, they got into horrible fights over the things he would say about me. For years, he didn't want to bring me around for fear of them hurting me even more. I didn't know about that aspect till later, I just always figured it was because of how I looked. And we talked very often about it, my fears, his, feelings, the whole works. We have always had good communication regarding our issues, whether it be this or other issues any couple faces. So he is very well aware of my feelings and feels guilty about the issues I have now regarding this. He feels like it is his fault and honestly, he's not to blame. His family used to have this HUGE hold on him. His ethnicity is the type that you listen to your parents, no matter what your opinion is, and it has taken a long time for him to know and trust his own opinions. But whenever we would take everyone else away and it was just us, it has always been wonderful. It's just always been so damn complicated and now we are in a better spot. His parents approve (I think for the simple fact that he and I have stayed together all these years in spite of their constant objections) his sister and I have actually become friends, his brothers, well, they still hate me but they have finally stopped outwardly hating me (and that has just been since the announcement of the move). So I really think where we are now is the best place we have ever been. Not only are WE happy together, but we can really be able to be happy and together in a real way, IE we are moving in together. Outside of his family/friends, in public he has never said anything negative, never acted any different then behind closed doors. He's always been very affectionate, holds my hand, when we are walking somewhere he twirls me, opens doors, kisses me no matter where we are, to onlookers it is very obvious to tell that not only are we together but there is a lot of love between us. That is the only thing that his friends have ever said that was positive about us. To me that is all that should matter, but his friends are just.....oh my, it's complicated. 

But the issue, no matter the reason said above, has always been with me on a certain level. Just those first few years reinforced my negative thoughts about myself, and just made things impossible for he and I in an intimate way.
But the bottom line is, it is my issue. And now in the situation we are going to be in, hopefully I can just let go some of it. Maybe not all at once like some have suggested, but at least a step or two at a time. But I want to do this...I need to do this. I love this man and he loves me and I don't want anything else standing in our way. We have already overcame so much, it almost seems silly to let THIS be the deal breaker, ya know? 

As I write I have 3 more days till I fly out to claim him...getting nervous but gaining confidence, thanks to everyone here that has written me and given me advice! I really think it will help my inner self to come through and have her turn to shine!!


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## siren_ (Feb 27, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> 7 years now.


Whoa. whoa. whoa. SEVEN YEARS?! And there is no ring on your finger? But never mind that...

Do you love him? Do you really? Because in order to love someone you have to trust them. if the answer is yes than you must take a leap of faith and gather your courage enough to experience physical love. If he loves you Then whatever you look like won't be a big deal at all. No fear is worth missing out making love to the man you love for seven years, let alone a minute longer. We only live once for a short bit of time. You two shoulda have moved in together ages ago. > _ < so much time waisted.


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## TheKayDee83 (Feb 27, 2010)

siren_ said:


> Whoa. whoa. whoa. SEVEN YEARS?! And there is no ring on your finger? But never mind that...
> 
> Do you love him? Do you really? Because in order to love someone you have to trust them. if the answer is yes than you must take a leap of faith and gather your courage enough to experience physical love. If he loves you Then whatever you look like won't be a big deal at all. No fear is worth missing out making love to the man you love for seven years, let alone a minute longer. We only live once for a short bit of time. You two shoulda have moved in together ages ago. > _ < so much time waisted.



Yeah. I agree on all counts here, I really do. But it was so much more complicated then that. It all would be easy as far as the moving in thing if so many other factors didn't come into play. But we are now and that is the important thing. And while I do not have a ring on my finger, he and I got each others names tattoo'd on our ring fingers about a year ago, so that is a huge thing, so much harder to get rid of then a ring in my opinion.

But you are right, too much time has already been wasted and on tuesday when he picks me up from the airport and we get back to his place, I will reveal all!


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## Gingembre (Mar 1, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> First of all let me just say that I can understand how deep and painful some of those insecurities can run. Really, I do. It sounds like a really tough situation with a lot of complex and competing emotional pulls. So please know that I hear where you're coming from when I give this advice:
> 
> Take off your clothes. Right now. Be naked in front of him, before you move in together, and do it now. Turn the lights on, get naked together, and don't be let fear and shame win the day.
> 
> ...




This this this. And what Jes said. Get those lights on and those clothes off. I'm not saying it's easy - i am TERRIFIED everytime I get naked in front of a new partner, even though I know they can pretty much tell what i look like naked from what i look like with my clothes on anyway! But i promise it won't be as bad as you think.

When, and only when, you are comfortable being naked infront of your boyfriend and can smile, or at least accept, your belly getting in the way of certain positions you can start the hunt for good sex positions. And don't make a big deal out of it - have fun discovering each other and how you can, and can't, fit together. GOOD LUCK!


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## TheKayDee83 (Mar 2, 2010)

Well ladies, I am getting ready to go to the airport to fly down and get my man. Thank you all so much for giving me the courage to do this! Maybe not tuesday night because I am tired as all hell, but wednesday night I think I just may be able to pull this off! All of your encouraging and kind words and sound advice really helped me and I will report back pronto on the outcome, good or bad! 

Wish me luck!! :kiss2:


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## sweet&fat (Mar 2, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> Well ladies, I am getting ready to go to the airport to fly down and get my man. Thank you all so much for giving me the courage to do this! Maybe not tuesday night because I am tired as all hell, but wednesday night I think I just may be able to pull this off! All of your encouraging and kind words and sound advice really helped me and I will report back pronto on the outcome, good or bad!
> 
> Wish me luck!! :kiss2:



Good luck!!!!!


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## Candy_Coated_Clown (Mar 2, 2010)

I have an experience that is somewhat similar. I was with someone for 5 years who was definitely not an FA but still found me attractive. I was "the exception". I know women here have dated men like that. They love your face, your overall look and personality, but they want you to be thinner because that's what they -usually- go for. This is why I prefer an FA now. No more being "an exception" for anyone.

My ex was never embarrassed to be with me in public and he never hid me from his family and friends (in fact I got to know his family well over the years), but he always had a big problem with my extra weight from day one. That was bad enough and I always felt the need to try to lose weight.

He had hoped that I would lose weight to fit more of his ideal. He admitted that when he first met me, he figured I'd eventually lose some weight and everything would fall into place. He would do things like pay close attention to what I'd eat, not caring for my big love of food, or he'd make suggestive comments in the guise of being helpful. He had a sly way of doing things but his disapproval and attempt to control was still very obvious and very hurtful. 

He always expected me to be comfortable around him intimately, but due to his issue with my weight, I never was and he never seemed to understand his part in why I was like that around him. I always felt awkward and distrustful, definitely not comfortable naked.

Now before I met him, I already struggled with body image and appearance issues, so he made things much worse by playing on those struggles. 

In the last couple of years, I have become more comfortable with being a BBW. My ideal of what is attractive on myself has become healthier and different although there are still times of struggle. I have come to really enjoy my roundness and curves in ways I never had. But I _definitely_ had help and support in this transition.

My current partner is an FA (a member of the board as well: Edens_heel) and has played a _key_ role in helping me to gain more body confidence and body acceptance, even if at first I had difficulty accepting his appreciation as sincere. It was a stark contrast compared to my other relationship, so I had conditioned doubts which had to be worked through.

Before you take off the clothes and walk around naked (which *are* good ideas), if you haven't already I think your partner needs to admit, in a heart to heart, how his actions played a role in making you feel *more* uncomfortable with yourself and with being sexual and intimate with him. This is not a time to scold him or anything so he can feel bad or more guilty, it's just to open up and let him know how this made you feel and that you truly want and wish to be comfortable with him, but need to hear some things from him. It's important to have this release...this purging.

He needs to take some responsibility in the matter. He can't just start expecting you to release yourself as if everything happened negatively in your relationship in a vacuum. He helped to create this insecurity. His inability to stand up to his family, be bold and be proud about you at the time was destructive to you feeling trust and much-needed vulnerability with him. He might not have said you were too fat for him himself at the time, but he might as well have since he let his family dictate and control, essentially making you this source of embarrassment.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 2, 2010)

TheKayDee83 said:


> Well ladies, I am getting ready to go to the airport to fly down and get my man. Thank you all so much for giving me the courage to do this! Maybe not tuesday night because I am tired as all hell, but wednesday night I think I just may be able to pull this off! All of your encouraging and kind words and sound advice really helped me and I will report back pronto on the outcome, good or bad!
> 
> Wish me luck!! :kiss2:



Woo-hoo! You go girl. Rock that fat sexy body.  WORK. IT. It'll be great!


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## Edens_heel (Mar 3, 2010)

Candy_Coated_Clown said:


> I have an experience that is somewhat similar. I was with someone for 5 years who was definitely not an FA but still found me attractive. I was "the exception". I know women here have dated men like that. They love your face, your overall look and personality, but they want you to be thinner because that's what they -usually- go for. This is why I prefer an FA now. No more being "an exception" for anyone.
> 
> My ex was never embarrassed to be with me in public and he never hid me from his family and friends (in fact I got to know his family well over the years), but he always had a big problem with my extra weight from day one. That was bad enough and I always felt the need to try to lose weight.
> 
> ...



I'm definitely glad I could be a positive influence in this respect.


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## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2010)

good luck! and believe him when he tells you how beautiful you are!


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## Gingembre (Mar 11, 2010)

Well, KayDee - have you done it? How did it go? Enquiring minds need to know!


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## TheKayDee83 (May 8, 2010)

Ok, ok. Yes, I did. We took a shower together. I was COMPLETELY uncomfortable and nervous. Breathing was hard for me (haha) But I did it. And honestly, I'm not sure if he thought I didn't think he was important or what, but after that night he has been over the moon into me. We haven't had sex yet, but it's coming (no pun intended). And all of you lady's were right. I should have done it a long time ago. I was just a chicken and could never find the inner strength to do it. But I have each of you who commented and gave me support. I couldn't have done it without you! Thanks you all from the bottom of my heart. I look forward to communicating with each of you in the future. <3


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## spiritangel (May 8, 2010)

Hugs Kay Dee I do hope that this is the start of your journey to self acceptance as that is what will totally transform how you see yourself.


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## Gingembre (May 9, 2010)

Yeeeeaaah!
So glad things are going well for you, KayDee


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## TallFatSue (May 9, 2010)

That's wonderful. Great to hear things are moving along fine. 

You never know what this might lead to. Wayyyy back in 1977 I fell in love with a certain guy who had never dated a fat girl before. Now what do I have to show for it? Almost 28 years of happy marriage, that's what!  Art had no idea how to deal with so much fat, so it was a romance out of a screwball comedy. After I worked up the courage to put my fat into his hands (both literally and figuratively), he sure learned. :smitten:

And another thing. My mother had kept telling me I was wayyyy too fat ever to find a good husband. On our wedding day it was fun to see her beam with pride while trying not to admit she was just plain wrong. Art & I are taking my parents out to dinner for Mother's Day, so I might just remind her of that. 



TheKayDee83 said:


> Ok, ok. Yes, I did. We took a shower together. I was COMPLETELY uncomfortable and nervous. Breathing was hard for me (haha) But I did it. And honestly, I'm not sure if he thought I didn't think he was important or what, but after that night he has been over the moon into me. We haven't had sex yet, but it's coming (no pun intended). And all of you lady's were right. I should have done it a long time ago. I was just a chicken and could never find the inner strength to do it. But I have each of you who commented and gave me support. I couldn't have done it without you! Thanks you all from the bottom of my heart. I look forward to communicating with each of you in the future. <3


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