# Breaking up with...your family?



## Xyantha Reborn (Dec 17, 2014)

I don't often post things like this...I'm not sure where to post this...but do any of you have experience breaking up with...your family?

The final straw was nearly five years ago when my mother learned about my FFA preferences and summarily kicked me out, insulting my now husband and blaming all her relationship problems on me. Luckily, my now Hubby just said it was bound to happen eventually, and moved into an apartment with me.

Over the past half decade it became apparent, through conversations with friends, family, and a therapist that my mother was abusive. She constantly belittled me, screamed at me, struck me, and did about every classic thing in the book...but at the time I thought it was...dysfunctionally normal - a "its just my crazy family!" sort of attitude.

After the period where she kicked me out she basically had a melt down, kicked out all my siblings, ran up a 30K in debt on credit cards and lines of credit, cheated on my Dad, then left the debt with him, forcing him to flush his retirement and remortgage the house. So, I know it wasn't 'just me'. 

However, over the past five years I have tried to allow her to retain a cool sort of correspondence...I feel filial guilt, I guess. I even tolerated meeting the man who she cheated on my dad with. Over the years she has gotten more and more insistant and almost abusive/trying to guilt me into things. The last time I agreed to go for coffee, she told me how her boyfriend's son broke into some guys house and tortured him looking for drugs (legit, I looked it up in the news afterwards). That freaked me out; what if that guy comes to my house and hurts me or my family? 

My dogs are like my children; my ridgeback is very sick and the idea of trying to be merry with family...not going to happen. Everyone else gracefully accepted my situation. My mother's response was to tell me I was a terrible daughter etc. Today I finally firmly (but very respectfully) said that I was very glad she found someone who she could love, but that I was not ready to forget what had happened between us/what she had done to my dad/sisters, and needed some space. She of course freaked out and told me she will never speak to me again (I should be so lucky). She said that I was sick and that I obviously have esteem issues because the only men in my life were fat/got fat while with me, and that obviously he was abusive and is alienating me. 

As I look at facebook I can see my large family starting to buzz, and the inquiries and guilt trips are starting to fly...including them commenting I need medication for my "illness". Although I don't want to alienate myself from my family, my instinct is to make a stand for myself and not allow them to push me around.

No one else in my family understands what I went through - to try and even broach the subject exhausts me. And I don't want to have her alienated from the family...just for her to leave me be. And although I am a proud FFA, I don't feel it is something I need to justify or talk to them about unless they were genuinely curious. My Grandma, who has a myriad of health issues including diabetes, called and reamed me out for the situation and droned on and on about how if I loved my husband I would force him to lose weight/its sick to enjoy it, blah blah blah....

Does anyone have any similar experiences? How did you deal with it? Any words of wisdom? I'd like to retain speaking with my family, but...if push comes to shove...

If this is in wrong forum please feel free to move...


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## MattB (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, although nothing to do with being an FA, I have minimal to zero contact with my family. I won't get into the 'why' about it to keep this response short, but in my own experience it's been the best thing I've ever done. I've never had a stable family situation anyways, so it's not like I'm missing out on anything. If I listed every reason why I decided to do this, the website would crash...

I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, it wasn't, but I'm at peace with the decisions I've made. Life is far too short to let other people ruin it for you, although they'll keep trying if you let them. I gave one family member (who I actually do care about-honestly) an ultimatum- "stop being an arse and stay out of my personal business or I will cut you out." (Paraphrasing) Of course being family, they seemed to feel entitled to ignore that. So be it. I don't speak to them anymore as a consequence. Sucks, but the silence is golden. 

I'm sure others will chime in with their takes, but stating the obvious...in my opinion there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to live a drama-free life, on your own terms. Stay strong.


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## loopytheone (Dec 17, 2014)

Oh wow... I can't even begin to say how sorry I am that your family is like that. You don't deserve it at all. I think you would be making the right decision to cut your family out of your life completely. They don't seem like helpful people or like they encourage and support you in a healthy way. They say you don't get to choose your family but you do get to choose if and how you interact with them.

On another note, this hits a chord with me personally. My mother can be emotionally abusive and I've been told by several therapists that I need to cut her out of my life if I ever want to get better. But it is hard when it is your family, especially somebody like your mother.


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## Tad (Dec 17, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> Oh wow... I can't even begin to say how sorry I am that your family is like that. You don't deserve it at all. I think you would be making the right decision to cut your family out of your life completely. They don't seem like helpful people or like they encourage and support you in a healthy way. They say you don't get to choose your family but you do get to choose if and how you interact with them.



This sums up most of my thoughts perfectly. I do realize that there is the rational decision, and then the emotional decision, and that the latter can be a LOT harder than the former.....

FWIW, I think that people are trying to guilt you for being an FFA shows how weak their position is--they have no good reason you should put up with this, so they hope that if they heap enough generic guilt on you, you will knuckle under to reduce the attacks. I think that kind of speaks for itself.

(and I'm going to recommend one of my favorite books, to help with any further dealings you have to do with them: "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" by Suzette Haden-Elgin. If nothing else go read these two web pages: http://adrr.com/aa/whymastervsd.html http://adrr.com/aa/overview.html)


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## Xyantha Reborn (Dec 17, 2014)

Thank you!

I think I will end up to a large extent making a clean break until they can CTFO.

Very true loopy! 

And it is true..the emotional and rational parts are two beasts...

Now to just reconcile the both...


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## CastingPearls (Dec 17, 2014)

Mine has nothing to do with size or being an FA or FFA but I don't have any contact with my family, and like Matt, sharing the details is something I'm no longer interested in. I'm over it. I can say that I have peace that i haven't had ....well....in my entire life. At times I have some nostalgia for fragments of memories that include deceased members like my sister and youngest brother, but it's a matter of survival and mental health that I exercise No Contact with my remaining family.

My best friend and her family has adopted me and I've spent the last three years celebrating the holidays and frequent weekends with them. 

Some families are made by choice, and not by blood. I have no regrets.


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## fuelingfire (Dec 18, 2014)

I do have experience with breaking up with my family or just my mom I should say. I could talk for months about all the crazy things she has said/done to me over the years. I am 32. But would not like to spend time thinking about her. For the last 5 years, I only see/talk to her once a year, its 2 days before Christmas. I dont want to associate the holiday with seeing her. I only agree to see her then because I know it breaks my dads heart. When he passes away, I have no intention of ever seeing her again.

My advice to you is simple. Ignore that she is your mom. Forget what a mother is supposed to be. Does seeing this person actually make you happy? This is my bottom line. This is your life. The second I see my mom, I know I have to put up my guard because I am about to hear horrible things that are not true. There is nothing that happens in my life, good or bad, that makes me want to tell my mom anything. Looking back at my life, I actually dont have any good memories of my mom.

I should point out I have a loving wife, amazing in-laws, and a few good close friends, who I believe are my real family.


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## RJI (Dec 18, 2014)

I have for the most part cut off most of my "blood" family. I have one sister who I am proud to associate with but the rest became anchors and needed to be gone from my life for my own happiness. I came to realize that I would never accept the things they did to me from my friends and coworkers so why was I allowing it from them. 

It definitely was hard at first particularly around the holidays but in the long run I am soooo much better off now.


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## Marlayna (Dec 18, 2014)

Caller ID was the best invention ever. If you don't answer the phone, you don't have to talk to them. Sooner or later they get the message. The holidays are especially hard when you see others celebrating with their families, but then, it still beats being mentally and emotionally beaten down by those who proclaim to love you.
Some mothers can be very mean and abusive, it's a fact of life, but you don't have to endure it, unless you choose to.


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## Highsteppa (Dec 18, 2014)

Condolences that your family is at odds with what makes you happy. The only advice I can offer is live strong and accept yourself for what you want and what you need in live - don't apologize for being someone that knows what makes you happy in life.


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## bayone (Dec 21, 2014)

I'm late to this conversation, but if your mom threw you and later your siblings out of the house, ran up debts, cheated on your Dad and then stuck him with the debts -- and your family is taking *her* word that there's something wrong with *you*....? Well, you do the math.

Also, if it's of interest, Making Light has a series of dysfunctional families threads, the latest one here, and they tend to give good advice.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Dec 21, 2014)

Thanks all! My mother made the emotional decision part easier by sending me a 10 paragraph hate email. *dusts emotion hands off*

I think the hard thing was so many people i know have great relationships with their parents...they cant even comprehend what i am saying!

Its actually a relief...just to be done with it all!!!


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## ed1980 (Dec 25, 2014)

I am kind of late to this tread, but I would like to say that on my experience the only thing that endures forever is death. I believe you have issues with your family and I think you should just give time to time. I mean, instead of thinking in cutting off for good, just give yourself a break from something that is currently hurting you. I believe that breaking up with your family can be something hard and heavy, but that giving yourself some space diminishes the weight to something more tolerable. She is your mother and this will not change, you are just trying to live better your life and your choices. I believe no one is bad in the inside in this story - you want to make your choices and see them respected and your mother is making your life a living hell amazingly because she wants to protect you from what she sees as a treat to your happiness. I just want to say that you have the right to make your choices and that being with a fat guy is no a crime anywhere in the world - but that it is a choice and every choice has consequences. Your mother made her choices that for good or bad have framed her life, you can do yours and sha cannot take that away from you. Keep your sanity, don't waste energy in vane fights and be happy - that's the only possible answer to her .... if she inderstands it or not is her problem not yours.


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## Fat Molly (Dec 29, 2014)

CastingPearls said:


> Mine has nothing to do with size or being an FA or FFA but I don't have any contact with my family, and like Matt, sharing the details is something I'm no longer interested in. I'm over it. I can say that I have peace that i haven't had ....well....in my entire life. At times I have some nostalgia for fragments of memories ...but it's a matter of survival and mental health that I exercise No Contact with my remaining family.
> ...
> 
> Some families are made by choice, and not by blood. I have no regrets.



DITTO ALL OF THIS. :kiss2:



But suffice it to say, weight was a serious point of contention for me within my family. Not the breaking point - *that* I won't get into, though I guess you can figure out some stuff from my HGSS story, but it was definitely something that impacted our daily lives.

Hugs if wanted to all in this thread. 

How are people on this thread doing now that we're mid-holidayz, at least in some parts of the world?


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