# Why does "Coming Out" have to be a big hurdle?



## KnottyOne (Jun 28, 2010)

Ok, just to clarify here, incase I get off topic or just fail at getting my point across, I'm on the girl's side here, all guys should be able to come out and say what they like, if they can't well, it's just kind of sad.

So I hate how the term "coming out of the closet" is so used in this community to describe being able to admit that you like bigger girls.... I really don't see what the big deal is, why must guys make such a huge production out if it. DO WHAT YOU WANT, be you and no one will have a problem with it. I have never come out of the metaphorical closet because I didn't have to, all of my friends know I like bigger girls because of my actions, I have hooked up with them when we've all gone out, I've dated them, anyone can put 2 + 2 together and have it equal oh he like's bigger girls. I mean if someone asks, I'll tell them yea, but really your actions are the bigger deal here, if your really being true to yourself, then you shouldn't have to tell people what you are, just show them and they will know.

And honestly, having friends and family bust on you.... not a valid excuse to put it off or be afraid to. Guys (sorry, i know this is more relevant to dude's but if FFA can relate, even better) bust on guys!!! I honestly can't think of a single friend who has never busted on me and I have never busted on them, it shows that you are comfortable enough to rip on each other and still be friends, I mean they bust on you for it, rip on them for something. One of my best friends refuses to date bigger than a size 0, so i bust on him for always dating skeletons, and we exist amazingly. My entire family busts on me for everything, can't say anything and get away with it easily at our family events. My grandmother made fun of me for being stoned a few weeks ago, and she's met my heavier gf's and didn't have a problem with them, she just knew and let it go. Finally if you have a problem what strangers think... just.... WHAT! Why are you gonna care what someone you will never see again thinks? Just roll with it and be happy, all you can do, let them do their thing, at least your having a good time with who ya want to be with.

Ok, rant over, it sounded a lot more coherent in my head but I think I kinda got my point across, if it makes no sense, my bad. But what does everyone else think? Do guys really need to say it out loud that they like fat girls, or are actions and just doing it more important than actually saying it?


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## stldpn (Jun 28, 2010)

KnottyOne said:


> Ok, just to clarify here, incase I get off topic or just fail at getting my point across, I'm on the girl's side here, all guys should be able to come out and say what they like, if they can't well, it's just kind of sad.
> 
> And honestly, having friends and family bust on you.... not a valid excuse to put it off or be afraid to. Guys (sorry, i know this is more relevant to dude's but if FFA can relate, even better) bust on guys!!! I honestly can't think of a single friend who has never busted on me and I have never busted on them, it shows that you are comfortable enough to rip on each other and still be friends, I mean they bust on you for it, rip on them for something. One of my best friends refuses to date bigger than a size 0, so i bust on him for always dating skeletons, and we exist amazingly. My entire family busts on me for everything, can't say anything and get away with it easily at our family events. My grandmother made fun of me for being stoned a few weeks ago, and she's met my heavier gf's and didn't have a problem with them, she just knew and let it go. Finally if you have a problem what strangers think... just.... WHAT! Why are you gonna care what someone you will never see again thinks? Just roll with it and be happy, all you can do, let them do their thing, at least your having a good time with who ya want to be with.
> 
> Ok, rant over, it sounded a lot more coherent in my head but I think I kinda got my point across, if it makes no sense, my bad. But what does everyone else think? Do guys really need to say it out loud that they like fat girls, or are actions and just doing it more important than actually saying it?



Umm being a fat guy. I'll have to claim bias. I think a lot of fat guys would tell you that we're almost expected to date fat women.

So I can only speak for my brother. And I know I watched him go through a ridiculously rough time for a few weeks, just the general jeering and people cracking on him thinking it was something to joke about. The thing is once he got through that initial thing? Life returned to normal. 

It really, really sucks that he had to go through all of that initially. Probably mostly because he had no idea how to combat the insensitive things people were saying to him about her at first. But, here and now, I'll say there was no long term psychological scarring. Its really no worse than you make it.


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## KnottyOne (Jun 28, 2010)

stldpn said:


> Umm being a fat guy. I'll have to claim bias. I think a lot of fat guys would tell you that we're almost expected to date fat women.
> 
> So I can only speak for my brother. And I know I watched him go through a ridiculously rough time for a few weeks, just the general jeering and people cracking on him thinking it was something to joke about. The thing is once he got through that initial thing? Life returned to normal.
> 
> It really, really sucks that he had to go through all of that initially. Probably mostly because he had no idea how to combat the insensitive things people were saying to him about her at first. But, here and now, I'll say there was no long term psychological scarring. Its really no worse than you make it.




Yea, thats what I'm saying, it's only as big a deal as you make it, just roll with it and it'll all be good


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 28, 2010)

KnottyOne said:


> Yea, thats what I'm saying, it's only as big a deal as you make it, just roll with it and it'll all be good



Works that way for me. But some people like more drama in their lives than you and I do.


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## jenboo (Jul 1, 2010)

KnottyOne said:


> Ok, just to clarify here, incase I get off topic or just fail at getting my point across, I'm on the girl's side here, all guys should be able to come out and say what they like, if they can't well, it's just kind of sad.
> 
> So I hate how the term "coming out of the closet" is so used in this community to describe being able to admit that you like bigger girls.... I really don't see what the big deal is, why must guys make such a huge production out if it. DO WHAT YOU WANT, be you and no one will have a problem with it. I have never come out of the metaphorical closet because I didn't have to, all of my friends know I like bigger girls because of my actions, I have hooked up with them when we've all gone out, I've dated them, anyone can put 2 + 2 together and have it equal oh he like's bigger girls. I mean if someone asks, I'll tell them yea, but really your actions are the bigger deal here, if your really being true to yourself, then you shouldn't have to tell people what you are, just show them and they will know.
> 
> ...



I very much agree


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## choconutjoe (Jul 1, 2010)

When you're a clumsy, insecure teenager, admitting to the world that you're sexually 'abnormal' _is_ a big hurdle. When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was fit in with my friends. Anything that could threaten that terrified me.

Sure once you're a bit older and wiser it seems laughable to get so caught up in something so minor. But not before spending a few years as an awkward teenager, wondering if there's something wrong with you.


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## lostjacket (Jul 5, 2010)

It doesn't.

Most people can figure out what kind of preference you have just by looking at their partner. 

Plus, I can pretty much guarantee your preferences as a whole aren't exactly subtle...at least mine aren't anyway.


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## Jon Blaze (Jul 7, 2010)

I'm not speaking for everyone, and I'm not trying to validate the views that some in the closet have, but for me it coincided with my puberty. It went with a lot of traits that I had as a teen that I really didn't understand. It took years to be comfortable with myself period, but it also took years to have a strong grasp of my sexuality. A year into the whole thing if you would have asked me (At 13), it wouldn't even be so much the issue that I wouldn't say much, but even if I did I wouldn't have a concrete idea of what I liked. 

I will not say that all of it should be attributed to growth, but part of it is. I don't think it's uncommon for teens as a whole to go through similar instances.


Now with adults: It's different. lol


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## exile in thighville (Jul 7, 2010)

being ostracized by your friends, fine, but what i don't understand are the kids worried about judgment from their parents? have you never brought home a pierced and tattooed girl? listened to a shitty band really loud? trashed the house? whatever happened to not giving a shit about your folks' expectations?


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## HappyFA75 (Jul 8, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> being ostracized by your friends, fine, but what i don't understand are the kids worried about judgment from their parents? have you never brought home a pierced and tattooed girl? listened to a shitty band really loud? trashed the house? whatever happened to not giving a shit about your folks' expectations?



I wonder if it could be an inner conflict with if the person that wants to come out has enough respect for what their parents believe that they are conflicted about doing it?

Nothing like a "Hey Everybody! Im Gay!" at a Thanksgiving dinner. The shock value is off the meter!


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## chicken legs (Jul 8, 2010)

I think the hurdle for most people is their own ego and the guts to deal with peer pressure. A lot of people can't handle having their views challenged..we see this in spades here (well forums in general).


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## Lamia (Jul 8, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> being ostracized by your friends, fine, but what i don't understand are the kids worried about judgment from their parents? have you never brought home a pierced and tattooed girl? listened to a shitty band really loud? trashed the house? whatever happened to not giving a shit about your folks' expectations?



Because when you're a teenager you don't care what your folks think, but you do care what your peers think. Trashing a house and having piercings is cool. 

I've always said that if kids really wanted to rebel against society...be fat.


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## jenboo (Jul 10, 2010)

I think that once a person has reached the age of majority, it would be time to do some de-closeting.


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## msbard90 (Jul 10, 2010)

HappyFA75 said:


> I wonder if it could be an inner conflict with if the person that wants to come out has enough respect for what their parents believe that they are conflicted about doing it?
> 
> Nothing like a "Hey Everybody! Im Gay!" at a Thanksgiving dinner. The shock value is off the meter!



tiguan, 
I think the OP's "coming out" refers to guys coming out about liking fat people, not being gay....


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## exile in thighville (Jul 10, 2010)

some people can't get their closet issues straight


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## Christov (Jul 11, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> some people can't get their closet issues straight


Ice cold brah.


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## StarWitness (Jul 11, 2010)

I don't hide the fact that I have a preference for fat men-- I mention it if someone asks what my type is, I include it in personal ads, I make a fuss over cute fat celebrities (current love affair: Jonah Hill)-- but... meh? If I'm dating a fat guy, I'm dating a fat guy, and nobody had better give me shit about it. I don't feel the need to sit my friends and family down and tell them that I like fat guys, any more than I feel the need to tell them that I like intelligent guys, or funny guys, or kinky guys, or guys with tattoos.


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## Gspoon (Jul 13, 2010)

I am happy to say that I never really had any time between discovering my love for the fat bodied female and having someone close to me find out. So I cannot relate to the coming out party.

But the only reasons I can understand why is that people are afraid to be found out, when most of their life they have learned to have fat nearly beaten out of them. It does take time for many people to learn how to cope with a certain trait about them that the world may find a tad interesting. Between the uncertainty of knowing how the person you tell will react (which can either be a slight nod or a look of complete disgust and the gray in between those two), you will rarely be praised upon it by someone outside the community.

But coming out of the "Closet" is very liberating. Friends will always try to catch you and trip you on your face no matter what: Telling them you like fat girls, spilling your beer on your self, missing your flight... doesn't matter what! As long as they can rip on you, they will. It is up to you to handle it as you want or can. As for Family, that tends to be a bit more difficult. Disappointed parents can really burrow into your essence. But that is something we all have to deal with. Want a line to get the parents on your side? Here, try this: "Want grand-kids?"

Another trick is this, just be an FA and don't tell anyone! Date large women/men and don't be afraid to be seen with your BBW/BHM in public! Just because you are an FA doesn't mean you have to profess your preference to everyone you meet. If an outside party really wants to know about your preference then they can ask you, its less of a bombshell that is dropped on them and you didn't have to go out of your way to tell them.


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## msbard90 (Jul 13, 2010)

Gspoon said:


> I am happy to say that I never really had any time between discovering my love for the fat bodied female and having someone close to me find out. So I cannot relate to the coming out party.
> 
> But the only reasons I can understand why is that people are afraid to be found out, when* most of their life they have learned to have fat nearly beaten out of them*. It does take time for many people to learn how to cope with a certain trait about them that the world may find a tad interesting. Between the uncertainty of knowing how the person you tell will react (which can either be a slight nod or a look of complete disgust and the gray in between those two), you will rarely be praised upon it by someone outside the community.
> 
> ...



THIS!! Great post, spoony


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## superodalisque (Jul 13, 2010)

yep that was a terrific post spoon. don't talk. don't explain. just do it. people who are closeted would feel much better if they just stopped waiting to live.


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## msbard90 (Jul 13, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> yep that was a terrific post spoon. don't talk. don't explain. just do it. people who are closeted would feel much better if they just stopped waiting to live.



Very true, SuperO. People are going to make it (being an FA) as big of a deal as you want them to make it.


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## Gspoon (Jul 13, 2010)

Many thanks, Msbard and Super-O!


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## HappyFA75 (Jul 13, 2010)

People have called me weird for only liking BBWs, and while it is its own kind of discrimination, i know what _beauty_ is, so it no longer bothers me.


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## Devil's Subjugate (Jul 13, 2010)

Ultimately, you can't understand because you see the world through your own perspective. This reality is what causes conflict, misunderstanding, war, etc. While it's a pretty clear cut issue for you, for some it might not be. They are victims of their own perspective. I feel bad for anyone "closeted," be it FAs dating skinny chicks or homosexuals pretending to be otherwise. They can never truly be happy as they are denying their own nature, wants, and desires. I can say from my perspective that it was a difficult thing to do. I have accepted and embraced my preference. "Came out of the FA Closet" so to speak. Well, there was never a ceremony, I just simply stopped making excuses. If I went home with a fat girl in college, my buddies would say, "Dude, you were sooo drunk last night!" I'd respond, "Yeeeahhhh...I was sooo drunk." Eventually, you realize your real friends will bust your balls, but in good nature. Guys do that. What I cannot stand is mean-spirited bullshit, I've actually lost a couple of friends because of that. Some guys think the world is a National Lampoon movie. I remember some friends and I went on vacation to Las Vegas. We met a group of girls, and there was a gorgeous british girl (probably 5'2" 300 lbs.) that I chatted up. The next day my friend was making fun of me, attributing it to alcohol. I said, "No man, I would've approached her sober." He responded saying that was, "disgusting." The thing was, I could tell in his voice and demeanor that he really meant it. He was repulsed by the fact someone was attracted to big girls. I live in Los Angeles and am in the entertainment industry...well fuck it, I'll tell you, I'm an actor and (begrudgingly) sometime model. I'm tall, dark, and some would say handsome. Let me tell you, I'm an FA to the bone. As soon as I liked women, it was fat women. I used to be able to date thin women because they were pretty, and had great personalities. But it's gotten to the point where I can't even entertain the idea of a skinny girlfriend. A relationship (in my opinion) is based on two components; attraction and personality. I can't have one without the other. So like another poster said, if you're a fat guy people expect you to be with a fat girl. But if you're conventionally "attractive," and ESPECIALLY given my occupation, people are downright shocked. I remember in high school when my Dad first discovered my preference (damn internet history) and sent me to a psychiatrist. He's a great, caring, loving father in every other respect. But our culture is so ingrained in it's "anti-fat" attitude that he was convinced it couldn't be healthy or normal for me to be attracted to fat women. So everyone has something, man. Everyone's path to self-discovery is a little different. My father whom I admired and still strive to emulate in character, had me feeling like I was sick or something. After college, I figured it all out, and we don't discuss it. I think the one thing he might've said a few years back was, "so you're still into that obese woman business?" I guess some people don't know how to make heads or tails of it. People think there's gay and straight and that's it. Either way, I love my preference and I honestly could give a fuck what people think. But that doesn't happen overnight, amigo.


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## msbard90 (Jul 14, 2010)

HappyFA75 said:


> People have called me weird for only liking BBWs, and while it is its own kind of discrimination, i know what _beauty_ is, so it no longer bothers me.



Correction: you know what beauty is TO YOU.

Not everyone in this universe is an FA.


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## Dibaby35 (Jul 14, 2010)

I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing more important to the majority of men then having the approval of their guy friends that their girl is acceptable dating material in their eyes. I still can't get this being female why this is so damn important but it is. So with that being said I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men would find it easier to say they are dating someone with some disease (as long as she was skinny!) then dating a fat girl. Pretty sad isn't it. 

Basically it takes a really strong confident man to "come out" of the closet and be true to themselves. That's why it's such a big hurdle. Thanks to all the strong ones..I hope to find one soon. :smitten:


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## chicken legs (Jul 14, 2010)

Devil's Subjugate said:


> Ultimately, you can't understand because you see the world through your own perspective. /QUOTE]
> 
> I was watching MTV's the Hills and wondering what would happen if Brody dated a girl that was 140 lbs..(thats a bbw in that neck of the woods..lol). I was also imagining him as a BHM/SSBHM...yummmmmmm.


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## truebebeblue (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't know why coming out has to even occur.
Date who you like and go on about your business... you are a grown man..
If you have huge issues with this I consider a personality defect.


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## superodalisque (Jul 16, 2010)

truebebeblue said:


> I don't know why coming out has to even occur.
> Date who you like and go on about your business... you are a grown man..
> If you have huge issues with this I consider a personality defect.



i have to agree with this. if someone doesn't have the guts to follow his own heart and do the right thing with this issue how is he likely to fare with the rest of life? as an adult you never get societal agreement with everything you know thats right for you. you have to be strong enough as a man to stand up and have personal integrity.


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## The Orange Mage (Jul 16, 2010)

The only time I have ever had any issues or hesitation on "coming out" is VERY early on in a potential relationship where I throw out that little nugget of information and pray for a non-negative response.

Either bring it up front, or don't bring it up at all.


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## frankman (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm a traditionalist; I think coming out should be a bit of an event, with cake, the theme song of Rocky playing, your mom crying and your friends cheering and that awkward moment where your dad doesn't know whether to hug you or shake your hand, so you get a pat on the shoulder and the words "good luck son". 

John Hughes should direct a man's declaration of size preference.


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## The Orange Mage (Jul 16, 2010)

frankman said:


> John Hughes should direct a man's declaration of size preference.



I wrote a terrible parody of St. Elmo's Fire (the song) to post in this post but I fact-checked right before hitting Submit and realized that it's not a John Hughes film, it just uses all his actors and actresses from The Breakfast Club.

Damn.


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## Weirdo890 (Jul 16, 2010)

KnottyOne said:


> Yea, thats what I'm saying, it's only as big a deal as you make it, just roll with it and it'll all be good



I like the way you think brother. :bow:


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## lozonloz (Jul 16, 2010)

Dibaby35 said:


> I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing more important to the majority of men then having the approval of their guy friends that their girl is acceptable dating material in their eyes. I still can't get this being female why this is so damn important but it is. So with that being said I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men would find it easier to say they are dating someone with some disease (as long as she was skinny!) then dating a fat girl. Pretty sad isn't it.
> 
> Basically it takes a really strong confident man to "come out" of the closet and be true to themselves. That's why it's such a big hurdle. Thanks to all the strong ones..I hope to find one soon. :smitten:



I agree that its fairly sad that some men wont admit to dating a fat girl because of their friends, but I dont think that seeking the approval of friends about partners is really a male thing.

I would always choose my friends over a partner if I had to (although my friends would never put me in such a position and I like to think I wouldnt seriously date someone who did the same thing). They wouldnt have to approve exactly, but if there was direct conflict, then yes, it would matter to me alot.


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## Blockierer (Jul 17, 2010)

truebebeblue said:


> I don't know why coming out has to even occur.
> Date who you like and go on about your business... you are a grown man..
> If you have huge issues with this I consider a personality defect.


This is the best contribution in this thread.


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## J34 (Jul 17, 2010)

Dibaby35 said:


> *I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing more important to the majority of men then having the approval of their guy friends that their girl is acceptable dating material in their eyes*. I still can't get this being female why this is so damn important but it is. So with that being said I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men would find it easier to say they are dating someone with some disease (as long as she was skinny!) then dating a fat girl. Pretty sad isn't it.
> 
> Basically it takes a really strong confident man to "come out" of the closet and be true to themselves. That's why it's such a big hurdle. Thanks to all the strong ones..I hope to find one soon. :smitten:



Its very true, friends really have a big influence in who guys date. Sucks for me that my close friends suffer from fat-phobia. Well that is their decision not mine, more for me then :happy:.

Regardless though, even if your friends rip on you, which they always will. If your gf can get along with your friends then you will find out they won't care much for her weight afterwards


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 17, 2010)

I understand that this is a difficult thing...when your friends make you feel like a crazy person for liking fat people and that keeps you in the closet (those of you who said it did); but part of what I don't get (and I honestly don't get it) is why are these people your friends, if they have this kind of attitude? This is a serious question, and not an accusation.

Maybe it's different for a thin FA, because you could develop friendships with people before knowing that they are fat-phobic or have hateful or derogatory things to say about them. Is that it? Or that the possibility of getting rejected, or branded a "freak" is just too strong? Or you don't think you'll find new friends who are cool with it? As a fat person, most of the people who seriously hate fat people will get weeded out by virtue of my own fatness. But I just can't relate to this, so I'm asking this as an honest question. 

I feel like if someone's friends were so anti-fat (or anti-whatever other kind of thing a person likes, just in general) that it kept them from being able to freely be themselves...it seems time to get some new friends. What am I missing here?


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## chicken legs (Jul 17, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I feel like if someone's friends were so anti-fat (or anti-whatever other kind of thing a person likes, just in general) that it kept them from being able to freely be themselves...it seems time to get some new friends. What am I missing here?



Not a whole lot..lol. People pleasers come in both genders. Humans are social animals and therefore pack-mentality still applies. The slogan "Dare to be Different" is a lot easier said than done. Its especially hard if a person comes from a group that either doesn't have fat people or the fat people have accrued a shitty status within the group. Asking someone to leave their friends and family behind can be a lot to ask if they have placed a high value on them.


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## J34 (Jul 17, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I understand that this is a difficult thing...when your friends make you feel like a crazy person for liking fat people and that keeps you in the closet (those of you who said it did); but part of what I don't get (and I honestly don't get it) is why are these people your friends, if they have this kind of attitude? This is a serious question, and not an accusation.
> 
> *Maybe it's different for a thin FA, because you could develop friendships with people before knowing that they are fat-phobic or have hateful or derogatory things to say about them. Is that it*? Or that the possibility of getting rejected, or branded a "freak" is just too strong? Or you don't think you'll find new friends who are cool with it? As a fat person, most of the people who seriously hate fat people will get weeded out by virtue of my own fatness. But I just can't relate to this, so I'm asking this as an honest question.
> 
> I feel like if someone's friends were so anti-fat (or anti-whatever other kind of thing a person likes, just in general) that it kept them from being able to freely be themselves...it seems time to get some new friends. What am I missing here?



Pretty much sums it up. Growing up I was not a very outgoing person, as a teenager and adult for me it was either school and work. I met most of my close friends in college. After awhile I realized how "fat-phobic" they were. Of course they ripped on me for dating bigger chicks, but as time has passed they have stopped. Of course a snide remark would come out every now and then.


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## chartreyu (Jul 19, 2010)

Coming out was extremely difficult for me! Remains difficult every day in fact, though some days are easier than others. I'm still fairly young... 23 to be exact, and there is no mainstream acceptance, acknowledgment, or support for our kind! I've NEVER met another FA face to face. It sucks, I never had anyone to talk to about it... My girlfriend helped me embrace my sexuality as our relationship matured but even she didn't believe me when I told her I liked bigger girls. One of my former best friends openly scoffs when I mention that I like Big girls... 

Yeah, do what you want and roll with it. But overcoming that wall initially while maturing sexually is immensely difficult if no one's there to help you along.


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## truebebeblue (Jul 20, 2010)

chartreyu said:


> Coming out was extremely difficult for me! Remains difficult every day in fact, though some days are easier than others. I'm still fairly young... 23 to be exact, and there is no mainstream acceptance, acknowledgment, or support for our kind! I've NEVER met another FA face to face. It sucks, I never had anyone to talk to about it... My girlfriend helped me embrace my sexuality as our relationship matured but even she didn't believe me when I told her I liked bigger girls. One of my former best friends openly scoffs when I mention that I like Big girls...
> 
> Yeah, do what you want and roll with it. But overcoming that wall initially while maturing sexually is immensely difficult if no one's there to help you along.



You are dating someone you like,obviously your friends have SEEN her. I think they might be onto you. You should just relax. The hard part is over.
Yes guys rib each other about having a fat girlfriend or wife... they also rib each other for having a girl friend who is skinny or older or younger or slutty or frigid or preppy or punk rock... whatever... guy tease each other about their girls... I think men are far more accepting of their friends choices than women are. I am sure there are tons of fat women around.. and I promise most of them are not single,there are fat lovers around they just probably don't label themselves or even know a label is available. Heck they probably don't even know they are a specific "kind" 

As you get older you care less about what people think and more about what makes you happy.


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## truebebeblue (Jul 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> I'm a traditionalist; I think coming out should be a bit of an event, with cake, the theme song of Rocky playing, your mom crying and your friends cheering and that awkward moment where your dad doesn't know whether to hug you or shake your hand, so you get a pat on the shoulder and the words "good luck son".
> 
> John Hughes should direct a man's declaration of size preference.




I imagine it!!
A whole dramatic saga of a young FA trying to come out,hiding fat porn and humping pillows secretly... peeking on his fat cousin in the shower etc... 
In the end he will find the will to wave his freak flag proudly..... and no one will even notice.


Imagining this with Anthony Michael Hall... made me smile.. who plays the fat love interest? maybe the old Rikki Lake? or We should plump up Sheedy or Ringwald..


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## Blockierer (Jul 20, 2010)

truebebeblue said:


> You are dating someone you like,obviously your friends have SEEN her. I think they might be onto you. You should just relax. The hard part is over.
> Yes guys rib each other about having a fat girlfriend or wife... they also rib each other for having a girl friend who is skinny or older or younger or slutty or frigid or preppy or punk rock... whatever... guy tease each other about their girls... I think men are far more accepting of their friends choices than women are. I am sure there are tons of fat women around.. and I promise most of them are not single,there are fat lovers around they just probably don't label themselves or even know a label is available. Heck they probably don't even know they are a specific "kind"
> 
> As you get older you care less about what people think and more about what makes you happy.


How true!

FAs, imagine you are dating a fat chick and nobody notices it. 
That's life.


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## spanky.pinata (Jul 20, 2010)

truebebeblue said:


> I don't know why coming out has to even occur.
> Date who you like and go on about your business... you are a grown man..
> If you have huge issues with this I consider a personality defect.



i agree. coming out is technically just two words...that if u dont give any meaning to..mean *DIDDLY SQUAT!!!*

who u are attracted to is UR physical, emotional, genetic..whatever...BUSINESS! u dont need to "come out" to anybody but urself. 

U wanna be with a thin girl, be with a thin girl. U wanna be with a fat girl, be with a fat girl. U wanna be with a man. be with a man. Its ur life, no one elses.

and its learning to understand that thats the only thing thats probably going to help u. FUK watever the hell ur parents, friends, anyone thinks. Ur normal, theres nothing wrong with u, and if people dont like ur lifestyle or choices, then u shouldnt give a hoot. There is someone out there somewher, who u will fall hed over heels for, who will fall back for ya.

Just got to make sure ur in the game, ur confident, u take chances and that u believe in urself =D

sorry if i got too ranty, sensitive subject


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## superodalisque (Jul 21, 2010)

Dibaby35 said:


> I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing more important to the majority of men then having the approval of their guy friends that their girl is acceptable dating material in their eyes. I still can't get this being female why this is so damn important but it is. So with that being said I've come to the conclusion that the majority of men would find it easier to say they are dating someone with some disease (as long as she was skinny!) then dating a fat girl. Pretty sad isn't it.
> 
> Basically it takes a really strong confident man to "come out" of the closet and be true to themselves. That's why it's such a big hurdle. Thanks to all the strong ones..I hope to find one soon. :smitten:




i respectfully disagree--unless you hang around a lot of guys who are weak sisters or they are very young and immature. like true said its a character flaw and you should run fast for the nearest exit. there are a lot of guys out there FAs or not who have never been that weak in their entire life and definitely won't back down regarding something like their gf. its called character and evidently the guys you know need to get some. don't make excuses for a weak man. life is too short.


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## Dibaby35 (Jul 21, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> i respectfully disagree--unless you hang around a lot of guys who are weak sisters or they are very young and immature. like true said its a character flaw and you should run fast for the nearest exit. there are a lot of guys out there FAs or not who have never been that weak in their entire life and definitely won't back down regarding something like their gf. its called character and evidently the guys you know need to get some. don't make excuses for a weak man. life is too short.



Where u keeping these men? lol Come on girl share! LOL Yeah I must not be finding the strong ones out there. Everyone guy I seem to run into is more worried about what other people think then being happy themselves.


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## MisterGuy (Jul 21, 2010)

Because people are social creatures that whether they want to or not crave the approval of their friends and peers? 

A story: For a while a couple of years ago, I dated a girl smaller than I usually date, like around 170, but with huge breasts, very Jessica Rabbit. She got hit on all the time, complimented by my friends, etc., something I was not used to as I usually date much larger women that don't typically attract that kind of attention. 

It made me feel guilty how deeply and uncontrollably gratifying it was to me. I didn't want to be gratified by other peoples' opinions, b/c who cares, but I was anyway. It felt gross. I think the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs to some extent, as well, no matter how FA-proud and enlightened you are.


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## Dibaby35 (Jul 22, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> Because people are social creatures that whether they want to or not crave the approval of their friends and peers?
> 
> A story: For a while a couple of years ago, I dated a girl smaller than I usually date, like around 170, but with huge breasts, very Jessica Rabbit. She got hit on all the time, complimented by my friends, etc., something I was not used to as I usually date much larger women that don't typically attract that kind of attention.
> 
> It made me feel guilty how deeply and uncontrollably gratifying it was to me. I didn't want to be gratified by other peoples' opinions, b/c who cares, but I was anyway. It felt gross. I think the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs to some extent, as well, no matter how FA-proud and enlightened you are.




I think u win a cookie or something  You hit the nail on the head.


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 22, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> Because people are social creatures that whether they want to or not crave the approval of their friends and peers?
> 
> A story: For a while a couple of years ago, I dated a girl smaller than I usually date, like around 170, but with huge breasts, very Jessica Rabbit. She got hit on all the time, complimented by my friends, etc., something I was not used to as I usually date much larger women that don't typically attract that kind of attention.
> 
> It made me feel guilty how deeply and uncontrollably gratifying it was to me. I didn't want to be gratified by other peoples' opinions, b/c who cares, but I was anyway. It felt gross.* I think the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs to some extent, as well, no matter how FA-proud and enlightened you are.*



Just to be clear, are you saying it's gratifying for FAs when your girlfriend is thought to be unattractive, or not sexually desirable by your friends or other men? If you are saying that, why is that, do you think?


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## Carrie (Jul 22, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> Just to be clear, are you saying it's gratifying for FAs when your girlfriend is thought to be unattractive, or not sexually desirable by your friends or other men? If you are saying that, why is that, do you think?


I think he's saying the opposite, that it was gratifying when his friends thought his girlfriend was hot. 

That's a pretty human reaction, I'd say, MisterGuy. Obviously the most important thing is that we find our own mate attractive, but... yeah. There's a kind of unmistakable strutty feeling you get when you catch someone else giving him/her an approving look.


ETA: Oh, wait, Bethany, are you referring to his last sentence, about the opposite being true when dating BBWs? I'm a little mixed up by that, too, now that I read it a second time....


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 22, 2010)

Carrie said:


> I think he's saying the opposite, that it was gratifying when his friends thought his girlfriend was hot.
> 
> That's a pretty human reaction, I'd say, MisterGuy. Obviously the most important thing is that we find our own mate attractive, but... yeah. There's a kind of unmistakable strutty feeling you get when you catch someone else giving him/her an approving look.



Ahhhh, ok. When he said "the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs" I thought he meant that it was gratifying to have her NOT ogled. My mistake. Thanks for clarifying, Carrie.

ETA: Okay then, Mr. Guy, question still stands for you.


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## Carrie (Jul 22, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> Ahhhh, ok. When he said "the opposite holds true as far as dating BBWs" I thought he meant that it was gratifying to have her NOT ogled. My mistake. Thanks for clarifying, Carrie.


Haha, this is becoming like a who's on first situation, B.  I added something to my post while you were writing yours, it seems! I went back and re-read and was also not sure about the opposite being true with BBWs thing, so I dunno. Think I'll let MisterGuy clarify for himself since I am clearly not all there yet today.


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## MisterGuy (Jul 22, 2010)

Yeah, sorry, I guess that was a bit unclear. What I meant was--in the context of discussing why "coming out of the closet" is hard for some people and furthermore why people care at all--that as FA-proud and liberated as you can be (and I consider myself pretty FA-proud), it can still feel a bit, I don't know, awkward, going out with a BBW. Because there's such a weird social stigma attached to women being fat, and to a somewhat lesser extent to being attracted to fat women, you often feel silently judged or mocked.

My point was that I have had the opposite experience, of being silently lauded for my partner, and that I felt an unwelcome pride, the same way I have sometimes felt an unwelcome embarrassment or discomfort with a big woman. I would like to develop as a human being to the point where I truly don't give a shit one way or the other, where I don't experience these feelings at all, but I do have them and just have to ignore them. 

I should add that this is in no way a poor me post, and I understand that big women have to deal with actual discrimination and prejudice and bullshit on a level 1000x what an FA has to deal with. Just trying to shed some light on the often stupid and always uncontrollable male psyche.


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## Mack27 (Jul 22, 2010)

Try this one: "You want to know why I'm not married yet Mom? Because I like fat women and you hate them that's why! Skinny women like you make me puke, only fat women can give me a woody! You've made me miserable for my whole life you old dried-up cold-hearted bitch!"


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## Carrie (Jul 22, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> Yeah, sorry, I guess that was a bit unclear. What I meant was--in the context of discussing why "coming out of the closet" is hard for some people and furthermore why people care at all--that as FA-proud and liberated as you can be (and I consider myself pretty FA-proud), it can still feel a bit, I don't know, awkward, going out with a BBW. Because there's such a weird social stigma attached to women being fat, and to a somewhat lesser extent to being attracted to fat women, you often feel silently judged or mocked.
> 
> My point was that I have had the opposite experience, of being silently lauded for my partner, and that I felt an unwelcome pride, the same way I have sometimes felt an unwelcome embarrassment or discomfort with a big woman. I would like to develop as a human being to the point where I truly don't give a shit one way or the other, where I don't experience these feelings at all, but I do have them and just have to ignore them.
> 
> I should add that this is in no way a poor me post, and I understand that big women have to deal with actual discrimination and prejudice and bullshit on a level 1000x what an FA has to deal with. Just trying to shed some light on the often stupid and always uncontrollable male psyche.


No problem, and thanks for the clarification! I appreciate your honesty, too. It is certainly something I've wondered about from time to time when I've been in a relationship, whether my partner ever experienced moments like that. I think some have (well, I *know* some have) and some haven't, most likely, depending on a variety of factors.


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## Kenster102.5 (Jul 24, 2010)

I would try this: "Hey if you don't want to have any grand children, then fine go ahead and keep bothering me, or heck I could easily record this and play it back to you, how would you like that, just drop it and be tolerant. I am who I am." 

or

"If you really don't want to see the type of women I date, then you should seriously consider buying me a house and paying for my mortgage, but you aren't going to be able to change my preferences. I won't be going anywhere else, you better accept who I am because I am your child, I never have done anything bad to you."


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## thirtiesgirl (Jul 24, 2010)

KnottyOne said:


> So I hate how the term "coming out of the closet" is so used in this community to describe being able to admit that you like bigger girls.... I really don't see what the big deal is, why must guys make such a huge production out if it. DO WHAT YOU WANT, be you and no one will have a problem with it. I have never come out of the metaphorical closet because I didn't have to, all of my friends know I like bigger girls because of my actions, I have hooked up with them when we've all gone out, I've dated them, anyone can put 2 + 2 together and have it equal oh he like's bigger girls. I mean if someone asks, I'll tell them yea, but really your actions are the bigger deal here, if your really being true to yourself, then you shouldn't have to tell people what you are, just show them and they will know.



The thing is, Knotty, _words have meaning_, both to you and to the people you're speaking about. So when you actually put your fat appreciation into words and say it out loud, it becomes more powerful for you. I can't really explain why, except to say that there is a connection between the physical act of speaking and the mental process of thinking about those words.

Why do you think so many people in oppressed and minority groups take such pains with the language they use to describe themselves? Why do fat activists so often use the word "fat" when describing themselves and work so hard to reclaim that word from all the negative stereotypes we've been taught to believe? Because words mean something, and words have power.

I've studied different schools of psychological thought and practice for a number of years, and most any psychologist or therapist will tell you the same thing: words have power. That's what makes therapy so powerful: your ability to put into words and say out loud the issues that are true for you, the things you believe in. The more you say them out loud, the more powerful and/or healing they become.

So testify, Knotty, and proclaim your fat appreciation for all to hear, with courage, without shame and without doubt.


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## calauria (Jul 24, 2010)

Dibaby35 said:


> Where u keeping these men? lol Come on girl share! LOL Yeah I must not be finding the strong ones out there. Everyone guy I seem to run into is more worried about what other people think then being happy themselves.



We must be dating from the same pool of "raggedy" men. There's always something wrong with them.


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## Fox (Jul 28, 2010)

As an FA, and a bisexual, who use to wanna be a girl, and still has some feminine tendencies, I have a lot to come out about. This stuff has been an issue since age eleven. And I thought figuring myself out was the hard part..


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## frankman (Jul 29, 2010)

Fox said:


> As an FA, and a bisexual, who use to wanna be a girl, and still has some feminine tendencies, I have a lot to come out about. This stuff has been an issue since age eleven. And I thought figuring myself out was the hard part..



Just just forward them this post. 

Nobody would ever argue that the rest of the coming out stuff isn't hard. Good luck, or if you've done it already good for you man.


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## Fox (Jul 29, 2010)

frankman said:


> Just just forward them this post.
> 
> Nobody would ever argue that the rest of the coming out stuff isn't hard. Good luck, or if you've done it already good for you man.



I would, but I'll have to make a change to it. This stuff has really been going on my whole life. I just never felt the peer pressure until I was eleven. I've already come out to a number of people. Except a very tiny number of personal friends, and my father.


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## butch (Jul 31, 2010)

Fox said:


> As an FA, and a bisexual, who use to wanna be a girl, and still has some feminine tendencies, I have a lot to come out about. This stuff has been an issue since age eleven. And I thought figuring myself out was the hard part..



I can relate to a lot of this, Fox. In my experience, it gets much better with time, especially as you're able to embrace, without doubt, those various aspects of yourself.

I wish you well on your journey.


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## Noir (Jul 31, 2010)

These threads always baffle me. Maybe because It was never a big hurdle for me. None of my friends or family have ever showed a single ounce of judgement, so that probably helped me through the years. For me personally, I was just always attracted to the bigger girls in school since day one so it never crossed my mind that it was strange. No point in deluding oneself to what you are attracted to. You are just going to end up upset and confused. Big Girls are the depiction of beauty and I'm definitely not afraid to show it or tell it.


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## blubberismanly (Jul 31, 2010)

Dibaby35 said:


> I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing more important to the majority of men then having the approval of their guy friends that their girl is acceptable dating material in their eyes.



To answer your question, why coming out is such a hurdle, I'll give you my experience.

I'm not far from LA/Hollywood/rich people. Naturally there are a good number of gyms, health spas, diet stores and such where I live. You can imagine it wasn't easy growing up wanting to be anything other than anorexic. I don't see big guys with skinny girls all that often. Sometimes the geeky sorts do, but they obviously aren't into fat. 

I have to endure a lot of social punishment at the expense of my preference. Everyone from exboyfriends to teenage classmates to that-guy-in-college-I-thought-was-hot would say I'm weird (not in a good way) or too freaky. I never advertised it, so to speak, but I didn't keep it secret until I started dating. The first guy I told (in high school) told everyone, and,well...things went downhill fast. I lost friends and respect among non-friends. Granted, those who left me probably weren't friends in the first place. But it still sucked having to eat lunch alone. This was similar in college, though not as dramatic. Guys (in general) would avoid me when they figured out I was checking out a fat dude. 

So yeah...coming out is not an easy thing. My best friend just got a membership at a gym and a personal trainer to lose weight. I respect her decision, but I admit I don't agree with it. I enjoy a good workout but I don't like watching big people shrink. It's like every facet of my life somehow involves fat. All the pressure around me to be the same doesn't make it any easier.

In short, the process of coming out SUCKS.


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