# Giving up



## last time (Jun 11, 2015)

http://futotteru.deviantart.com/ <---Me
I'm a male FA who has been in the closet about it for my entire life. I developed this fetish at a very young age and never have been able to be honest about it. I would like to blame society but I know the only one to blame is myself. I've seen others embrace it and feel no shame from it and I've only been able to watch in admiration. All I ever felt was embarrassment and shame from it. Now that I am 27 I find myself feeling regret that I've never had the courage to be what I am. All of my life I have dealt with depression and social anxiety and I've come to the conclusion my fetish was at the root of it all, knowing no matter how close I got with someone I could never be 100% honest with anyone. This was the first website I discovered that let me know I wasn't alone back when I was 10, so I figured it was fitting to have my final say here. I am exhausted and sick of myself. I've decided to finally put an end to my life, which is something I've contemplated for many years. I can only hope people like me out there can have the courage to live their life exactly the way they want to, no matter what anyone thinks, including themselves.


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## MsBrightside (Jun 11, 2015)

My heart aches for anyone who is so much pain that he (or she) considers ending his own life. Depression and social anxiety must be very difficult to deal with, and I hope you will decide to make use of support systems that you already have in place or seek out some new ones to help you manage it. Being an FA is not as much a core part of my identity as it seems to be for you, so I can't truly understand what you're feeling; but I will say that I don't believe that any relationship can hold up to 100% honesty. If everyone knew what everyone else was thinking all of the time, the result would be chaos. I saw a quote once that love has room for secrets but not for lies; and, although that way of thinking may be a slippery slope, I think there is some truth to it as well. If other people are comfortable being open about their preferences, that's great; but everyone is different, and I don't think it's necessarily wrong for you to maintain your privacy. Whether it's healthy or not for you is another issue, and one that only you can determine.

Best to you, and I hope that you reconsider this decision and get the help you need to deal with these feelings.


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## lille (Jun 11, 2015)

Please reconsider. You are not alone and there are people here who love to talk to you, help you in any way we can.


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## Tad (Jun 11, 2015)

Let me add my voice to the others saying please reconsider. Please get in touch with a suicide prevention organization or hot-line in your area, they understand how it feels and may be able to help you get a different view on things. A lot of people here can tell you how much lives can change, often with amazing swiftness. You can learn to be true to yourself and to get along with others, but you need to give yourself the time to do it....please don't rob yourself of that time, and the people around you of you.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Jun 11, 2015)

I echo all the above...

Also, just to add...not all F/FA here have come out of the closet or feel fully comfortable. I think the majority of us go through periods of self hatred and self doubt about our preferences...it's something many of us work at regularly, and often fluctuates wildly with how our partner feels. Many of us fight depression or self doubt - you aren't alone.

Fingers crossed for you...


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## BriannaBombshell (Jun 11, 2015)

Please read this, message me, let's talk. I'm not much older than you. I don't know the pain you are feeling but I know the opposite end of it. I am a large woman who has gone through hell from the beginning of life. I was born big, always have been big and it inhibited my whole life for many years. I have severe social anxiety, panic disorder and bouts of depression. I too contemplated ending my life but I turned things around and life is getting better slowly. 

Please if you need a shoulder I am here. Your life is precious and worth living. <3 <3 <3


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## Durin (Jun 12, 2015)

Please seek Help. 

Call your suicide prevention Hotline, Depression is a real thing and can be treated.


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## Luv Gaining Ladies (Jun 14, 2015)

last time said:


> http://futotteru.deviantart.com/ <---Me
> I'm a male FA who has been in the closet about it for my entire life. I developed this fetish at a very young age and never have been able to be honest about it. I would like to blame society but I know the only one to blame is myself. I've seen others embrace it and feel no shame from it and I've only been able to watch in admiration. All I ever felt was embarrassment and shame from it. Now that I am 27 I find myself feeling regret that I've never had the courage to be what I am. All of my life I have dealt with depression and social anxiety and I've come to the conclusion my fetish was at the root of it all, knowing no matter how close I got with someone I could never be 100% honest with anyone. This was the first website I discovered that let me know I wasn't alone back when I was 10, so I figured it was fitting to have my final say here. I am exhausted and sick of myself. I've decided to finally put an end to my life, which is something I've contemplated for many years. I can only hope people like me out there can have the courage to live their life exactly the way they want to, no matter what anyone thinks, including themselves.



I really hope you don't. There are so many better answers than suicide. My wife is a mental health professional, and I myself see a therapist for enough issues that would drive some to insanity. I beg you, give it a try. Go see someone who can help.


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## Tracii (Jun 14, 2015)

I certainly hope you don't do anything as drastic as taking your own life.
Nothing wrong with you being an FA there are far worse things to be.
You love big women there is no law against that is there?
Its a preference that you have and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it.
If friends are giving you a hard time about it get new friends because they aren't friends worth having IMO.
My life has been a living hell growing up and people have made fun of me my whole life for being myself but never once has the option of ending my life been something I would have even considered.
You are stronger than that and I have faith in you.


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## choudhury (Jun 15, 2015)

Wow. I dearly hope this young man has reconsidered or will reconsider. 

Killing oneself is almost always just a terrible idea, but taking one's life _because of_ a sexual preference seems like a horrible waste. First of all, as others have mentioned, it's not like a preference for fat women is some evil, awful thing - on the contrary, it's totally harmless. But beyond that, even IF you're so embarrassed by it as to be unable to 'come out of the closet,' there's at least two other options:

1. Date a BBW _without_ explicitly coming out of the closet (except to her, I suppose). Trust me, many people find it so unthinkable that you might prefer BBWs that they will just assume you're with one because 'love is blind,' or because you're 'not superficial,' or whatever. In most cases, indeed, they will simply mind their own business and the subject won't even come up, and most people will accept it without thinking much about it.

2. Here's the great unsayable thing: sex is not the be all and end all of life anyway. We live in a culture heavily influenced by Freud, such that sex has been construed to be THE big thing that explains our lives and defines us. That's bullshit and everyone that lived before Freud would have known it to be bullshit. A great many people have lived incredibly valuable and productive lives without having well-realized sex lives, and many, many more have done so without having partners that were even close to their erotic ideal.

Please get help ASAP. Suicide would be a terrible mistake.


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## Tracii (Jun 15, 2015)

Seems like the OP has not come to grips with himself over his preference because of what society deems acceptable.Even lets people opinions run his life.
How can being an FA be wrong? Its who you are and and its not like you had any say in the matter, its a preference that you were born with.
I do hope he is OK and finds the lady of his dreams and walks proudly beside her because he deserves to be happy.


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## MasterMike (Jun 16, 2015)

I sincerely hope that I'm not too late in saying this, but _*don't do this. *_You're not the only one who has ever felt like this and definitely won't be the last; but by committing suicide you are throwing away the chance---however remote---that things can still get better, that others will accept you for who you are, that you may one day meet the BBW of your dreams. Who gives a damn what others think of the fact that you love large women? It's a preference like any other, if everyone else around doesn't get it, that's their problem. And most importantly; if you kill yourself, you lose, they win.

*When times get rough,
You can fall back on us
Don't give up
Please don't give up

*Kate Bush, _Don't Give Up, _by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush, 1986


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## PumpkinBelly (Sep 7, 2015)

I hope I'm not too late in posting this reply either. Diversity endures because of the differences in people. It makes life more interesting and worth living, not less. I really hope you stick around because you add more positive value to this place with your presence.


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## Reddi (Sep 9, 2015)

Blimey, what are you feeling shame about.

Being an FA is purely a preference in the type of women that excite you sexually in the same way that some men like blondes or brunettes.

Accept yourself and begin to enjoy relationships with sexually compatible women.


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## svenm2112 (Oct 24, 2015)

My heart hurts to hear someone who is planning to take his life. I have been there too. Being a FA is nothing to be ashamed of. Be yourself. It took me a long time to be me too. Now to be honest. I can hear the hurt. Because I was like Blimey. I was the same age too.when I became a FA. I wish I had the resources back then like they do now.
I would had more friends to talk too. Cyber bullying is wrong too. Blimey I have been in your shoes before. I say please talk to me or a person who knows what you going through


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## mediaboy (Oct 30, 2015)

So did he do it?


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## FluffyButterfly80 (Oct 30, 2015)

mediaboy said:


> So did he do it?



I just looked at his DA Profile, linked above... there is a spot there that said he visited the site 7 hours ago.. I'm taking this as a good sign that he did not.


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## mediaboy (Oct 31, 2015)

FluffyButterfly80 said:


> I just looked at his DA Profile, linked above... there is a spot there that said he visited the site 7 hours ago.. I'm taking this as a good sign that he did not.





Awww good then this was just one of those cry for help suicides


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