# Bereavement and your health



## SamanthaNY (Oct 14, 2007)

*Bereavement and your health*

Many of us have experienced or are experiencing loss. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, or the loss of something important or significant in your life (a home, a job, a pet), most will experience bereavement, either through death, divorce, distance or some other manner. While bereavement is part of life, it can be devastating, and can adversely affect your overall health. In my experience, little is taught about grieving... what it consists of and how it is important.


*Grief is normal... and necessary*

When someone is bereaved, they usually experience an intense feeling of sorrow called grief. People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. 

Experts believe that if you don't grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you. This can lead to emotional problems, and even physical illness later on. Working through your grief will be a painful process, but it's necessary to ensure your future emotional and physical wellbeing.

There is no single proven way to grieve. No one can (or should) tell you how to do it, or how to make it go faster. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal.

sources
athealth.com/Consumer/Disorders/Bereavement.html
hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/mosby_factsheets/Bereavement.html
medicinenet.com/loss_grief_and_bereavement/article.htm

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I thought about adding more data and information about the stages and processes of grieving, but then I realized what I really wanted for this thread was input from others, and to see the exchanges between people. My desire for this thread is to have a safe place to express feelings about bereavement, and hopefully to help each other with the process of grieving. While I have no control over what is posted here, I'm asking in advance that you treat this thread, it's participants, and the subject, with respect.

Personally, I first experienced intense grieving a couple of years ago when I lost both my parents and a friend all within 6 months. Aside from the horrible feelings of loss and sorrow, I felt anger... not just the usual anger associated with bereavement, but anger at being uninformed and ill-prepared about what I was experiencing. There are so many things we teach children - but personally, I don't think we teach them enough of about the cycle of life and bereavement.

Thoughts, experiences, comments.... anyone?


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## saucywench (Oct 14, 2007)

Sam, thank you for starting this thread. As you know, I am well aware of each of the instances of loss that you wrote of, and there were times with you, as well as with others on Dims who experienced such a loss, that I felt inadequate in comforting those who were grieving.

I am dealing with my own experiences of loss of loved ones through death. I wrote at great length in the Clubhouse, I think, as a way of working through it, the loss of my former long-term mate of 10 years this past February. I am still feeling the effects of this loss. I dreamed of him only three nights ago, and the vision of him in that dream is still vivid, unlike so many dreams that quickly fade from memory. We weren't no longer together because I stopped loving him; we were no longer together because he had insurmountable addictions that ultimately led to his death--addictions that took their toll on me to the extent that I felt it necessary for my own well-being to get him out of my life. While my affection for him had diminished over time because of these things over which he had no control, I suppose I never really stopped loving him; I did what I had to do to save myself. Although he put me through all kinds of hell (as he did with all of his loved ones), it's remarkable that, after his death, it's all of the good aspects of the relationship that are strongest in my memory. I grieve over the the waste of a life that had such potential, as he was inordinately talented, gifted, creative, intelligent, and compassionate, and I'm angry at all of the reasons in his life that he was led down that path of ultimate self-destruction. I grieve for his beautiful daughter who has to live with this legacy of her father as an addict. I grieve over the fact that he ultimately died alone, albeit in the company of other homeless men in the shelter who had befriended him--that he was not in the presence of someone who knew, loved, and cherished his true heart, soul, and spirit. And, yes, I grieve for myself for being denied the quality of a relationship with him that I feel I deserved, and for the unmet potential inherent in that. 

The other situation I am dealing with has not yet been realized, but it is inevitable. Although my father died in 1999, my mother is still alive, but I am concerned that her remaining time on earth is limited. She turned 80 this summer and I see her health rapidly continuing to decline. Her doctor informed my sister this past spring if she did not make some changes in her life, he felt she had only 6 months to a year to live. Because I seem to be the most pragmatic of the siblings with regard to these matters, I have tried to work with her on getting her affairs in order. At times she seems willing, as she knows it is the wise thing to do. But I keep getting resistance from her, with her making excuses. These kinds of fits and starts have taken their toll. It's hard enough to have to consider these things realistically, but the ideal scenario is to deal with them head-on and matter-of-factly and get them done. I understand that she is frightened and fearful, but continual avoidance or circumventing the inevitable is maddening. I would much prefer that she get in writing who gets what (I don't anticipate much of an argument over that, as she doesn't really have much in the way of material or bankable assets), funeral matters such as cremation vs. burial, who to give the service, type of casket if burial, clothes to be dressed in, body viewed or not, preferred songs/verses during service, who will deliver a eulogy...it goes on and on. Far too often, people have a standoffish approach to the reality of death, but this benefits no one, and only causes more anguish during an already stressful situation if these matters are not dealt with beforehand (while they are of reasonable mind). Her eventual death will absolutely crush me, as we are very close and I rely on her heavily for emotional support. Another difficult aspect is that she has never come to terms with certain events in her life. She has carried these issues with her for decades and her refusal to confront them has crippled her in many ways and affected all of us negatively. This is one of the primary reasons that I feel compelled to "escape" through relocation and try to come to terms with my own issues so that I can live out the rest of my life at peace with myself (see sig line below).

ETA: I forgot to mention: My mother was seen recently at home by a geriatric physician, who subsequently scheduled her for an angiogram (or related procedure, can't recall at the moment) next Tuesday. This is the procedure she refused when she was placed in the hospital a couple of months ago. So...more stress will be forthcoming.


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## Flyin Lilac (Oct 14, 2007)

I'll keep this as brief but as pertinent as humanly possible.

1988 --- My dad committed suicide 10 days before my college graduation. For all intents and purposes, I pretty much shut down (translation: clinical shock) for the better part of a month, and only remember bits and pieces of the days and weeks encompassing the death, funeral, burial, visitors, etc. If I felt anything at all besides "out to lunch," I don't recall it.

Last month --- I attended the visiting hours and funeral service for a very dear friend from work. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late August and lived exactly a month. Upon learning of her illness and then getting word of her death, I was beside myself with grief ... crying at the drop of a hat when talking about her, missing her terribly, feeling intense anger at the injustice of losing her when dirtbags are allowed to roam free about the Earth without regard. Your basic "normal" emotional gamut when someone close to you dies.

In hindsight, I'm able to recognize now that my intense grieving for my friend was not only for her but also finally for my father. Funny how that happens. I suppose it's simply a case of time, maturity and a little more life experience since 1988.

Anyhow, just my thoughts. My wish for comfort goes to anyone currently experiencing a loss.


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## SamanthaNY (Oct 15, 2007)

Sauce - thank you for posting here. I know that probably everyone who brings a personal story here will have a hard time doing so, and feel some pain... but I hope they benefit from it in the long run. 

Your post struck me quite intensely, and I feel real sadness when I hear of your mother. I remember feeling those same feelings when my father was suffering from cancer, and how we planned for my mother to carry on without him. I remember feeling stress about that... for her, and for me, because I would have to do more for her and try to support her, and how could I possibly ever make it okay for her. I felt guilty and selfish after feeling that (how in the world could any of it be about _me_, when she will have just lost her husband of 52 years), and even more so when Mom died first. I wonder... if that's when bereavement actually starts - when we see our parents aging, and know the inevitable will come. 

I was also struck by what you wrote about potential. Such a funny thing there, potential. It's like we mourn something intangible - something that _isn't_ there, but could have been. Is that a bit nuts? To feel sadness for something that isn't reality? I know exactly how you feel though - and I feel it too. If only some choices were made differently (they weren't great about their own medical care), my parents might have been around longer - but that's not what happened. I suppose the lesson there is not to make the same choices in myself... but didn't my parents have the same lessons taught to them by seeing family members before them pass on? I suppose what-iffing is a trap that one can fall into. Perhaps it's part of grieving itself. 

I feel such compassion for you, Sauce - and the things you're g oing through right now. I know you have a full plate in a lot of ways. I hope you find support in all the roads you'll be traveling in the near future. You had some very kind words for me at a very hard time in my life, and I'll never forget that. I hope I can repay the favor. 



And Fly - I'm sorry about the loss of your father, and your friend. It's awful to lose a parent, and must be even worse to have it happen in such a terrible manner... it seems wrong to think that one person feels more grief and sorrow than any other losing a parent - but in some ways I think it must be true. 

And you're right... it's odd how sorrow and grieving can come back years later, as if it lay dormant. I would like to think that the body and brain do that so that's it's ready to handle the severity of it all... but who's to say what really goes on there. I hope you now feel a bit of peace from it all.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 15, 2007)

My father died on June 24, 2005, after a very lengthy illness. The weekend that he died, I'd scheduled what I thought would be a regular visit. He quietly passed away while I was in the airport, waiting for a rental car. My sister was waiting outside her house to tell me, and when she did, my first reaction was to give this incredulous laugh. I just couldn't believe it. I knew that it was inevitable; he was enrolled in a hospice program and we were being told that it was going to be a matter of days, maybe weeks. Still, he'd pulled through so many times. There was a part of me that thought he'd survive even these grim estimates. He'd been very ill for so long, it was a bit of a relief when he went. He died quietly, while my mother was out of the room, and he looked like he'd very peacefully fallen asleep. There was no stress or fear on his face. The day he died, we all went out for dinner. We laughed and joked and commented on how odd it was that we could eat, laugh, joke. 

A week after he died, my husband and I left for a scheduled trip to Malaysia. I thought that I was fine, and I so didn't want to disappoint my husband, especially since his own parents are frail and in their 80's. We were there to celebrate his parent's 50th wedding anniversary. At one point in the celebration, Jerry's father got up to give a very poignant speech ... and I just lost it. There was something so familiar to me about the very tangible sense of regret his father was expressing, that he'd spent so much of his life working and didn't have the opportunity to know his children the way that he wanted to. The whole inevitability of it all just came crashing down around me, and I fled to the bathroom, locked myself in, and wept. I cried for all the times he struggled so valiantly to breathe, and couldn't, and I'd hear my mother's patient, exhausted 2 a.m. voice: "Guy, it's OK, breathe into the mask ... calm down, you can breathe if you just calm down." I cried because he couldn't even walk to the bathroom in his last few months, and he was so gaunt that his legs looked like triangles, yet his face would still light up with pleasure when his grandchildren walked into the room to be with him (and he could still hug and cuddle them). Mostly, I cried because the only peace he had in years was in death, and because his death was a relief to me. 

I'm very fortunate in that I haven't lost my spouse or my child to a lengthy illness. I can't even bear to imagine how much worse it would be. It is the kind of thinking that paralyzes me, and I shut down mentally before I can even complete the thought. 

But I do know that losing my father was a numbing shock at first, and then the grief just crashed over me in waves, each losing a bit of intensity as our new reality finally settled in. The pain I feel now is a mere phantom of what it was. I'd like to think that this is part of any grieving process. 

Saucywench, something that you said really struck a chord with me: 

*remarkable that, after his death, it's all of the good aspects of the relationship that are strongest in my memory*

This is true of my relationship with my father, as well. I think it's probably a general truth, for those of us who have lost a loved one. It's almost as if I think it would betray his memory to think anything uncharitable of him. Lately, I've found myself able to think about some of his shortcomings, as I am raising my own child and making the inevitable comparisons. But I see those flaws in an entirely new light, knowing as I do now how difficult it can be to do what is right by my own child. 

Saucy, my father couldn't bring himself to talk about what he wanted in terms of a funeral service, who gets what, etc until a few days before his death. In fact, he refused to enroll in hospice until weeks before his death (and they won't take an unwilling participant) because he thought that would mean he was giving up. My father also had his own demons that I'd so hoped he'd face up to ... in part, the fact that he'd virtually abandoned his first five children when he married my mother. If he ever did make peace with that decision, and others, he never showed it. I used to think that I wanted him to come to terms with these things for his sake, but now I believe that I wanted it for my own ... so that I didn't have to feel conflicted about his less-than-stellar parenting skills after he was gone. Although I wish we would have talked more about his final wishes, we still managed to have a decent funeral for him (and thankfully, managed to divide his few possessions between us with no fighting & arguments).


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## Friday (Oct 19, 2007)

> Mostly, I cried because the only peace he had in years was in death, and because his death was a relief to me.



This was the hardest part for me when my Mom died just a few months before your Dad Traci. She had been so sick and so unhappy for so very long that death was a release and a relief, both for her and those of us that loved her. But I felt horribly guilty for feeling this way even though any additional time would not have been welcome to her. Even though she'd let us know repeatedly that she was very unhappy that we had had her hospitalized to get her through her most recent crisis 9 months before rather than letting her go.

Strangely enough, when my Dad passed away 10 weeks later with no warning it was less painful even though it was a total shock. Was it because (even though they'd been divorced for 25 years) we thought that they were finally together again and able to at last share the love that had been tangible between them always even when they couldn't live together? I don't know. I still miss them both.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 20, 2007)

Friday said:


> This was the hardest part for me when my Mom died just a few months before your Dad Traci. She had been so sick and so unhappy for so very long that death was a release and a relief, both for her and those of us that loved her. But I felt horribly guilty for feeling this way even though any additional time would not have been welcome to her. Even though she'd let us know repeatedly that she was very unhappy that we had had her hospitalized to get her through her most recent crisis 9 months before rather than letting her go.
> 
> Strangely enough, when my Dad passed away 10 weeks later with no warning it was less painful even though it was a total shock. Was it because (even though they'd been divorced for 25 years) we thought that they were finally together again and able to at last share the love that had been tangible between them always even when they couldn't live together? I don't know. I still miss them both.



For the longest time, I wouldn't allow myself to express intense anger over my father's death, because it was 'expected'. He wasn't young, he wasn't my child, and he lived a 'full life' to the age of 83. Everyone who tried to comfort us used these facts in one way or another. But really? It didn't matter in the slightest to me. He was still my father. He was my connection to my past, the one man in this world who loved me absolutely unconditionally, and an integral part of how I defined family. 

Friday, it must have been wrenching for your family to make that decision, to hospitalize your mother against her wishes. I do feel thankful that we never had to go there with my father ... he didn't want to die, wanted every measure taken, and was palpably frightened for his life when he had episodes that led to hospitalization. We never felt torn about what to do. We always knew. Towards the end, he spent more time in the hospital than out, and that started to take its toll, and I think was the only reason that he finally agreed to hospice care -- so he'd never have to see the inside of a hospital again. 

The idea of losing my mother is frightening to me, but ... there is now this REAL knowledge that it WILL happen ... and I know that no matter how difficult it is, I will get through it. Maybe the same is true of your experience, Friday. You lose some of the ability to feel that disbelieving shock, the first time that someone you love dies.


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## Friday (Oct 20, 2007)

The thing was Traci, at the time the whole sad incident started it wasn't supposed to be a life or death thing. My Husband was in AZ helping her to come back for the summer (snowbird). Some idiot hit them and although it wasn't that bad damage-wise, the adrenaline messed up my Mom's already compromised (emphysema) breathing and she landed in the ER. It wasn't until hours later that the doc called my Sis and said 'if we don't put her on a vent, she'll be dead in minutes.'. What do you do when you're 1500 miles away and they give you 3 minutes to make that kind of a decision? Since there had been no injury and no new illness, we thought she just needed the breathing assist for a short time. It went downhill at that point, even though we got there as quickly as we could. It wasn't that she didn't get well. She did. Well enough to live alone, go shopping, do what she wanted...for a while at least. But it was a long, hard fight to get there and she was tired of fighting from the two times before.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 20, 2007)

Friday said:


> The thing was Traci, at the time the whole sad incident started it wasn't supposed to be a life or death thing. My Husband was in AZ helping her to come back for the summer (snowbird). Some idiot hit them and although it wasn't that bad damage-wise, the adrenaline messed up my Mom's already compromised (emphysema) breathing and she landed in the ER. It wasn't until hours later that the doc called my Sis and said 'if we don't put her on a vent, she'll be dead in minutes.'. What do you do when you're 1500 miles away and they give you 3 minutes to make that kind of a decision? Since there had been no injury and no new illness, we thought she just needed the breathing assist for a short time. It went downhill at that point, even though we got there as quickly as we could. It wasn't that she didn't get well. She did. Well enough to live alone, go shopping, do what she wanted...for a while at least. But it was a long, hard fight to get there and she was tired of fighting from the two times before.




I'm sorry that I misunderstood. I assumed that she was admitted for something related to her illness. I hope I was clear in that I wasn't making any judgment about what your family decided for your mother, just empathizing that no matter what, it must have been difficult. 

Of course I would have reacted & decided in exactly the same way.


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## Friday (Oct 20, 2007)

Just to add spice to the issue was that in part her problems that episode came from the fact that the docs didn't know that they were treating a long term alcoholic and over medicated her not realizing her liver was damaged <sigh>. She didn't consider herself one and would have pulled our tongues out with her bare fingers had she heard us tell them she was.


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## Aliena (Oct 20, 2007)

SamanthaNY said:


> I wonder... if that's when bereavement actually starts - when we see our parents aging, and know the inevitable will come.




I wish I could properly express to you how much this phrase hit home with me. I just can't; except to say I do this now, everyday. 

Sometimes the pain is too much and I feel myself going for a melt down, but then other times I understand death will end their pain and bring them relief. 
I haven't fully worked out death yet. It's an on going thing for me, to contemplate it and all.


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## QtPatooti (Nov 2, 2007)

I have grieved for many things, but the most significant grief I have expierenced was after having a hysterectomy before I was able to have any children. It totally messed me up. I have always dealt with depression, it is in my genes. But this was way past that. I had about six months of huge sobbing grief. Followed by about a year of huge throwing myself on the bed screaming crying anger/grief. It was the most horrendous feeling I have ever experienced. I guess prior to the hysterectomy I had lived in a semi dream world where there was an assumption on what my life would be like. When that rug was yanked out from under me, I was convinced that since I couldnt have children, I had no self worth and everything I had expected in life would never happen. I was a failure and I had no place in life. I did finally get some help. but not before about a year and a half had passed by. I found a great psychiatrist and counselor. I still see the psychiatrist, every 6 months for med check. Which is the best thing I ever did. And have been back to see the counselor several times. 

It is still painful. I will always have an empty spot inside. But my life is filled with many neices and nephews, and great neices and nephews. Life is ok now. 

Time does take the edge off of raw grief. 

I know of a book that helped me through the rough spots, in addition to the counseling - Life After Loss by Bob Deits.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 8, 2007)

I have started and deleted this three times..Maybe I can do it now..Please bear with me that it is so long..

I lost my Dad from cancer when I was 18..I don't remember a lot about my feelings at the time but I do know it was hard to watch my Mom deal with it all..I can remember being upset at my family for letting them cover him with dirt..Then some lady came up and talked to me and told me I had no right to be grieving so hard,upset my Aunt so much I thought she would slap the lady! 

Over the next 3 years my family had to deal with a lot of grief..I felt so sorry for my Mom because she was carrying the brunt of all of it..We had to bury her oldest brother and sister..She had to deal with those deaths on top of my Dad's..She was angry for a couple of years..

I lost my youngest of 3 brothers 10 years ago..He was only 44 years old when he passed..It broke my heart,he and I were good friends, the thought of life without him hurt so much..I couldn't understand why he had to die and his bitch of an ex-wife kept on living and having a good life..I remember being angry,at no one in particular but just angry..I couldn't eat and hardly slept..I kept telling myself that this was not natural..It was suppose to have been my Mom that went first...My brothers and I would grow old together talking about our children and grandchildren..I got to grieve for him for a short time because I was dealing with my oldest brother's diagnosis of lung cancer and my Mom's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer..

My oldest brother was like a Dad to me..He was 21 years older then me and had spoiled me rotten when I was little..He was my rock a lot of times in life..I knew I could rely on him for any thing..It hurt me to see him so sick and so frail from the lung cancer and chemo..He barely weight 120 lbs soaking wet..I had called him the night before he died to talk to him about his cancer Dr.(can't remember what they are called)..He kept telling me he didn't feel like working that night and I kept telling him he needed to go..He died from a stomach aneurism at his job..If he had stayed home then his body wouldn't have been found for a couple of days..When my remaining brother came to tell me the news I was in shock..I didn't cry,I didn't grief I just was..I remember telling God that he couldn't keep doing this to me,I couldn't loose any more brothers..This was in June of 2000..

My Mother had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 1996..She had a 6 hour surgery to try and get rid of most of the cancer..It just prolonged the inevitable..In September of '00 she began to show signs that the cancer was spreading to her liver..She began to get weaker and couldn't remember a lot..I was not working at the time so I became her nurse..I had asked Misty to put off a semester of college to come home and help me..Together we took care of my Mom 24/7 and it was not until the last 2 weeks of her life did we call in hospice..The day I had to admit her into the hospital was so hard because I knew the end was near..It was on a Monday and I had been up with her most of the weekend getting about 4 hours of sleep in 2 days..In the ER I had to sign her DNR papers when she was admitted..Hardest thing I ever had to do in my life and I swore I would *NOT* do that ever again for any one..I left the hospital about 11 pm that night to go home and get some sleep while my brother and sister-in-law sat with my Mom..About 4 am my brother called and told me to come to the hospital he thought it was the end because she was calling for me and had been for hours..The kids and I dressed and went to the hospital..I walked into her room,bent over her bed and told her Mama I am here,what do you need..She looked up at me and said,I am dying..First time I had cried in months,couldn't even cry at my brother's funeral but that made me blubber..I told her I knew and that I loved her...That seemed to settle her so she went to sleep..I sent my brother and his wife home and I sat with my Mom..On Wednesday evening she began her death rattle..I sat and watched her die slowly,not from the cancer but from congestive heart failure..Blaming myself because I did sign the DNR papers..Her pupils were fixed and dilated and her breathing was very shallow..I knew the time had come and just when I thought she had taken her last breath,she sat up and began to take deeper breaths..I had to leave the room,I couldn't watch her struggle to breath knowing her body was dying..When I left that night I knew what had to be done..During our last couple of months together we had talked a lot about her dying and where she wanted to die and how she didn't want us around when she did die,plus how she wanted her funeral done..So that Thursday evening when my brother came to the hospital I told him we all had to leave or Mom wouldn't die she would continue to linger..We called in a hospice nurse to sit with her that night..My Mom passed away at 5:20 am the following morning..

She had already planned her funeral when my first brother passed away,the only thing she add was that she wanted a closed casket..She didn't want people looking at her while she was dead,she said if they had wanted to see her then they should have came to see her when she was alive..Yea she was that stubborn and prideful! I had shut down my emotions so much while caring for her that during the funeral I did not cry until the preacher did..They had been good friends and he had came to see her a lot towards the end,he so hurt and grief stricken..

My grieving for my Mom and brothers began about 2 weeks after she had passed..After Misty and my niece had packed up all of her belonging and we cleaned out her bedroom...I went to bed and more or less spent 1 whole year in bed grieving and blaming myself for her death,grieving for my brothers I was missing..I was a wreck,I was so bad my son would tell me to get up and take a shower,I stunk..He was make me change my sheets on my bed because they stunk as well..I didn't want to eat,that was the last thing on my mind..I did drink lots of coffee and smoke cigs until I was sick of smoking..


One day I woke up and realized that no matter what I did my Mom was going to die,I knew I needed to get over it so my life would move on..Grieving for the year helped me in so many ways..I now live my life with no regrets and I truly enjoy ever second of it,even if I am super stressed out..I made a promise to them that no matter how I felt I would be nice to people I met..I promised that I would let the other person I was talking to know that I love them..They could be complete strangers but they would feel a love from me..Been doing it since and have made some good friends that way..

Sorry it was so long but as you can see I have had a lot of deaths in my immediate family...


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## HottiMegan (Nov 8, 2007)

I am in tears reading everyone's stories. I have never really had to deal with death of someone close to me until this summer. I lost my grand fathers adn one grandmother but they werent terribly close living 2000 miles away and only communicating through letters and a visit every few years.

This summer, my mother in law died. She was a diabetic and had a stroke a couple of years ago. After getting a foot infection that required surgery she ended up getting ill after being put on a medication that was known to make her very ill. She was sent home to deal with the medication. She was sick and vomiting so much from this medication that she was put back in the hospital for iv fluids and antibiotics. She was too weakened by this and suffered a massive stroke and went into a coma. We sat at her bedside for 4 days. When everyone was gone for the night to get some much needed sleep, she passed. I was traumatized from the process of watching her die. 

To add insult to injury, my mother in law left behind a buttload of paperwork troubles and other messes to clean up. Luckily she had paid the Neptune Society quite a while ago. We came to find out that she had let her life insurance lapse so we couldn't do a funeral. She left behind countless debts that are now trying to get us to pay. (which we know we don't owe since we didn't enter into the financial contract) Now i have to screen calls from creditors since my lazy husband wont fax off death certificates. It's just made my day to day life miserable for the last 4 months.

I have to also explain at least 2 x a week to my 4 year old son about death and how he cant hug his Meme anymore. I am alone in having to do this since I'm the primary care giver of him. It is like scraping off the scabs every time he goes on and on about his Meme. I try my best to stay calm and explain to him about death and how it's a natural part of life. I think all of the dealing with the death and paperwork night mare has lead me to dip into another depression. I have gained 30lbs of the 130+ lbs that i lost earlier this year. I am always tired and really having a hard time dealing with little frustrations of life. 

It has also made me notice how my parents are aging. I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose them. My parents are HUGE crutches for me when i need comfort. I married a very loving, sweet man that just doesn't know how to be someone to lean on. So i lean on my mom by sobbing on the phone a lot. I am finally getting my life back on track. My apartment is getting clean and I'm cooking again for the first time in months. We had a lot of take out and boxed foods (which added to the weight gain). I am afraid that my husband will break sometime down the road because he never really dealt with her death. He has been very stoic about it all. 

Okay enough rambling. I just wanted to say that all your stories touched close to home.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 9, 2007)

Megan it sounds like your husband is in denial..By not faxing his Mom's death certificate he is saying she isn't really dead, just away...It sounds like he is grieving just not openly..You are right he will break and when he does cry it will do him a world of good..

As for the creditors, call a lawyer and if you can't afford one, call legal aid and see if they can put a stop to the harassing phone calls..

At 4 your son is way to young to understand death..It would just be easier to tell him his Meme went on a trip and she would be gone for a long time..Tell him that where she is she can't call or write..That she loves him and wont be able to see him..


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## Dr. Feelgood (Nov 9, 2007)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> At 4 your son is way to young to understand death..It would just be easier to tell him his Meme went on a trip and she would be gone for a long time..Tell him that where she is she can't call or write..That she loves him and wont be able to see him..



This is the best child-sized explanation of death I've ever read. And after all, it's the truth, isn't it?


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## HottiMegan (Nov 14, 2007)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> Megan it sounds like your husband is in denial..By not faxing his Mom's death certificate he is saying she isn't really dead, just away...It sounds like he is grieving just not openly..You are right he will break and when he does cry it will do him a world of good..
> 
> As for the creditors, call a lawyer and if you can't afford one, call legal aid and see if they can put a stop to the harassing phone calls..
> 
> At 4 your son is way to young to understand death..It would just be easier to tell him his Meme went on a trip and she would be gone for a long time..Tell him that where she is she can't call or write..That she loves him and wont be able to see him..



Since we are not the executors of the will, we always defer stuff to my brother in law. I'm just getting sick of the letters and phone calls since she lived with us for a brief 3 month period. I don't know why on earth she chose my brother in law to take care of all things legal. This guy has pretty bad cerebral palsy and people don't tend to understand him. (he's smart but has poor speech) So I'm not sure how well he's getting the point across about her death to her creditors.

I know my husband will break eventually. I just am waiting to be there for him when it hits home. He did cry a little for her on her 71st birthday. He also says that he had been preparing himself for it since she was in and out of the hospital for the last year.

As for my son. I am trying to be as honest with him as possible. I read about how to deal with death and toddlers so I'm sort of going by what i read. He's a very smart boy and i forget how much we need to watch what we discuss around him 

Life is returning to normal and my moods get better by the day. I think it also helps that i finally got my apartment cleaned.


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## mariac1966 (Nov 18, 2007)

This past year I have experienced grief unlike any other that I have in the past. I have grieved over the lose of a pet, loosing my great-grandparents, and even the lose of a job. However, in February 2007 I lost my husband after being married for only 9 months. We had three years together but just got married in May 2006. My husband went into the hospital in January 2007 to have an operation on his foot with a bone graft from his hip. Immediately after surgery (the next day), I knew something was wrong. He started with symptoms that were not normal post-operative symptoms. Having worked in the medical field for 15 years, I was aware of what is normal and what is not....but trying to get the doctors to listen to me was another story. A week later he was admitted to a different hospital with a life-threatening bacteria. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital catching infection after infection, and his body could not fight any more. 

I was so devastated that after finding this man and sharing the most remarkable, unconditional love I have ever experienced, our time together was cut so short. Through grieving and my faith in the Lord, I learned that it is not how much time you spend with a person, but the quality of the time spent together. My heart aches every day and I wish I could have him back, but I also think about what I would have missed if I did not have the experiences and memories I do. I am truely thankful for all the time I spent with him and glad that the Lord put us together.


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## butch (Nov 19, 2007)

Maria, so sorry to hear of your losses.


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## Risible (Nov 19, 2007)

mariac1966 said:


> This past year I have experienced grief unlike any other that I have in the past. I have grieved over the lose of a pet, loosing my great-grandparents, and even the lose of a job. However, in February 2007 I lost my husband after being married for only 9 months. We had three years together but just got married in May 2006. My husband went into the hospital in January 2007 to have an operation on his foot with a bone graft from his hip. Immediately after surgery (the next day), I knew something was wrong. He started with symptoms that were not normal post-operative symptoms. Having worked in the medical field for 15 years, I was aware of what is normal and what is not....but trying to get the doctors to listen to me was another story. A week later he was admitted to a different hospital with a life-threatening bacteria. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital catching infection after infection, and his body could not fight any more.
> 
> I was so devastated that after finding this man and sharing the most remarkable, unconditional love I have ever experienced, our time together was cut so short. Through grieving and my faith in the Lord, I learned that it is not how much time you spend with a person, but the quality of the time spent together. My heart aches every day and I wish I could have him back, but I also think about what I would have missed if I did not have the experiences and memories I do. I am truely thankful for all the time I spent with him and glad that the Lord put us together.



Maria, you've been through a lot; so hard on the soul. I'm very, very sorry for your losses.

May I take this opportunity to welcome you to the Dims community; hopefully you'll find some companionship here to help ease your pain a bit.


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## HottiMegan (Nov 19, 2007)

mariac1966 said:


> This past year I have experienced grief unlike any other that I have in the past. I have grieved over the lose of a pet, loosing my great-grandparents, and even the lose of a job. However, in February 2007 I lost my husband after being married for only 9 months. We had three years together but just got married in May 2006. My husband went into the hospital in January 2007 to have an operation on his foot with a bone graft from his hip. Immediately after surgery (the next day), I knew something was wrong. He started with symptoms that were not normal post-operative symptoms. Having worked in the medical field for 15 years, I was aware of what is normal and what is not....but trying to get the doctors to listen to me was another story. A week later he was admitted to a different hospital with a life-threatening bacteria. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital catching infection after infection, and his body could not fight any more.
> 
> I was so devastated that after finding this man and sharing the most remarkable, unconditional love I have ever experienced, our time together was cut so short. Through grieving and my faith in the Lord, I learned that it is not how much time you spend with a person, but the quality of the time spent together. My heart aches every day and I wish I could have him back, but I also think about what I would have missed if I did not have the experiences and memories I do. I am truely thankful for all the time I spent with him and glad that the Lord put us together.



I am so sorry about your loss. I cant imagine the kind of pain you are in.


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## mariac1966 (Nov 19, 2007)

Thank you all for you sympathies.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 20, 2007)

I am so sorry to hear of your losses..I wish there were magic words to take away your sorrow and grief...


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## moore2me (Nov 20, 2007)

One thing we do well in the south is the business of dying. Remember how the funeral parades were in New Orleans before Katrina destroyed a lot of the citys culture? My mothers family is from Mississippi and from them I learned how southerners grieve. It is a little different, but I believe it helps prepare us for the inevitable death that comes to everyone. I still remember as a child, my family sitting up with the dead until in recent times the funeral home put a halt on the practice  didnt want people in their business at night.

First, my mom & dad years ago bought cemetery plots for family. Each of us kids has our graves and a grave for our spouse. If we want to use them, we know exactly where we will be buried  next to dad, grandma, and one day the rest of the clan. On holidays and whenever the family assembles at home, my mom piles us in the car, takes us to the cemetery to clean dads & grandmas graves and decorate them appropriately. If children are present, they get to bring bread to feed the ducks & geese on the funeral grounds pond.

My husbands family has for years participated in an Ozark holiday called Decoration Day. This occurs every year before Memorial Day. Each family gathers at the family cemetery for cleaning the graves of dead relatives, decorating the graves, and visiting. We then either have a picnic or take the group to a local restaurant. Last year, there were four distinct groups celebrating at the cemetery during the day. Some even brought musical instruments & a PA sound system. 

My mothers funeral has all been pre-arranged and pre-paid. She even has a dress already picked out. She is not sick, just 80 years old. My father has been dead about 20 years. My husbands mother also had her funeral pre-arranged and pre-paid. Its not that we are obsessive about dying. Its just that our culture is more accepting of the fact that death is a part of life. I still grieved for my father when he died, but, we go down this road with our eyes open. We have seen it before. It is familiar. It is sad; the ones left behind are the ones that hurt. We try to comfort each other. It also helps to have strong religious faith, feeling your loved one has gone to a better place.


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## mariac1966 (Nov 24, 2007)

The one thing that has helped me get through this is writing poetry. Poetry has always been my outlet for expression, but there are 2 specific poems that I wrote that have really helped me with my grief over the loss of my husband and really cherish his memories. 

The 1st is entitled With Open Arms

With open arms, the Lord brought us together
Not to be judged by outward appearances,
But for what was in our hearts.
The chance to love one another just as He loves us.

Blessed were we to be able to spend all of our time together
Retired and disabled, no better combination.
Our love blossomed as the Lord nurtured us.
Time appeared to be eternal.

Conversely, the Lord had another plan.
Shattered was our time together
For you were riddled with infection.
The sparkle in your eyes dwindled with each passing day.

My arms clutched tightly to you
Wanting to heal you, to protect you.
Needing to be close to you.
Hoping for more.

The Lord was calling
You heard your name, saw His shinning light.
With open arms, I let go
And you died that night.

No longer do you suffer with pain.
Aching are my arms for your touch.
So peaceful you look.
Craving is my heart for your love.

When I hear my name
The sparkle in your eyes will light the way 
And I know that you will be waiting
With open arms.

The 2nd is entitled Be Content

The Lords intentions were announced
When He brought this man into my life.
In a season when the leaves began a colorful transformation.
Love one another just as I have loved you.

The plan seemed simple enough
Until I had to weather the approaching storms.
From seemingly well-meaning people
Words spewed causing insult to my ears.

I was determined not to be thrown off-kilter
Refuge from the storms was slow in coming
Provisions were provided in the form of a message
Love one another just as I have loved you.

This man and I followed the Lords plan
Loving one another just as He loved us
Albeit our time together was cut abruptly
I am blessed to have followed His intent with such contentment
For I experienced a love unlike any other.

The Lords lesson was comprehended
Follow His intentions and hold steadfast to His plan
No matter what storms come to pass be content
For the rewards are far greater than any earthly possession.



I hope these poems can bring some comfort to others out there too.


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## liz (di-va) (Nov 24, 2007)

This is a good thread idea, I think....not the least because many more of us are managing grief at any given moment than maybe we think. It is a part of life.

I find grief mercurial. Comes and goes in weird ways and at weird times, maybe when it's not "supposed to." Which helps to make life interesting. Mercurial and completely unavoidable.

The holidays...can be especially hard! No matter what burdens you think you may or may not be carrying or caring about. It is a good time to be as kind and caring toward yourself as you can.


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## babyjeep21 (Dec 4, 2007)

Reading this has been very emotional for me... 

I'm not going to pretend that I know what it's like to lose a parent. The deaths I have experienced have been friends, grandparents, and great-grandparents.

However, this summer my dad was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He is only 46 years old. In July, he walked in Central Park with me, from one side to the other. By August, he was using a cane/walker to get from place to place (after a series of falls), his speech was slurred, he couldn't drink without choking, his ability to write legibly disappeared and he started to confuse the names of his loved ones. 

Shortly before these conditions came about he had started seeing a neurologist. They had discovered 5 large lesions located in random places on his brain, all reflexes in his right leg are gone and the nerves are dying. He now suffers from intense migraines and deteriorating cognitive abilities.

MS can be a terribly degenerative disease or it can become dormant and stablize. This has all happened so rapidly, it's been terribly devastating for my mother and I (an only child) to watch him physically deteriorate in such a way. I can only imagine the way he must feel about the situation, as he only discusses the way he feels physically and not emotionally.

As Christmas approaches, we are constantly reminded that the present we want cannot be bought. I think that this is the time for my parents to take vacations and make the most of life. Travel and do what you can now, because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. I'm not one to throw all caution to the wind, but seriously... now is the time to live it up. They don't exactly feel the same and I see them both slipping into a deep and dark depression. It makes me very, very sad.

I have found that this entire situation has made me completely re-evaluate my life, goals, and the way I look at disease and death. I haven't been around for my friends as much as I'd like, but for now my focus has been my family and my future. I can't help but wonder if he'll be able to be the grandparent that he wants to be or if he'll even be capable of walking me down the aisle. 

I'm so lucky to still have 2 very loving parents who are still crazy about each other. I just wish they would try to enjoy life as much as possible right now, while they can. 

In a way, I feel like we're already grieving a loss...


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## butch (Dec 4, 2007)

Hi babyjeep21,

I wanted to just give you a cyber hug for your post, and I hope for the best for you and your parents.

I cannot imagine having to see a parent suffer and change in the way you describe, and I ache for you, your mom, and your dad. I've had to deal with health issues with both my parents in recent years, and it can be scary. While my mom does not have MS, she has lost most of her mobility and multiple serious surgeries has not brought it back, and it took her years to get over the loss of her mobility and to start 'living' again. She loves to travel, and it took her years to get up the courage to travel again, and now she's finally planning a trip overseas for next winter, and that makes me happy. I hope your parents can find a way to travel and explore together, and it really will be good for their mental health to even do some small, simple trips-romantic weekend getaways to a B & B, perhaps?

I may not be saying anything of use here, but wanted to let you know that I care, and I hope for the best for you and your family, as I said before.


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## Shosh (Dec 4, 2007)

Hey BabyJeep,

I am so sorry to hear this sweetie. It must be so hard and scary for you. For some reason and it is not known why, Multiple Sclerosis generally tends to behave more agressively in men, and they tend to have the more progressive form of the disease.
I have Relapsing Remitting MS ( rrms) meaning I have relapses, I am sick, it gets treated and it tends to stabilize again, and I have periods of remission where I live normally. As time goes on a person with this form of the disease does start to have some residual deficit, namely for me I have permanant numbness in my left hand and I am generally weaker than I used to be. I am still working though.

The more progressive form of the disease tends to be more unrelenting and aggressive, and it can be so upsetting and hard for the families of people with this type of MS.

It must be so hard for you too Jeep to see your once healthy Daddy start to be cut down by this. 
I am always here if you want to talk about it. I shall PM you my email address. Please feel free to contact me at any time. I shall be thinking of you and your family.
There are a few of us here at Dimensions that have MS, namely myself and Moore2me ( Deborah).

I am sure you have done research on MS, but can I give you these links?


www.nmss.org

www.msfacts.org

www.msworld.org



Sending you a big hug. It is hard, but just love your Daddy and keep your chin up angel.


Susannah


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## Friday (Dec 5, 2007)

I am so sorry BabyJ. Your father is much too young. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## liz (di-va) (Dec 5, 2007)

I'm so sorry about your father, A; it is heart-breaking and so difficult that a disease could descend so fast like that on someone so young.

I hope your parents can find some time and togetherness free of some care. And *you* too. Some peace in it all as you can. I don't know how something like this couldn't make you look at your life differently, to be honest. Sounds very tossing and turning, out of one's control.

I think this was an entirely appropriate place for you to talk about your feelings. It can be hard for people to formulate responses (note mine now), but know that what you said was heard and read and that big waves of sympathy and support and hugs are coming back.


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## SocialbFly (Dec 5, 2007)

babyjeep21 said:


> Reading this has been very emotional for me...
> 
> I'm not going to pretend that I know what it's like to lose a parent. The deaths I have experienced have been friends, grandparents, and great-grandparents.
> 
> ...



You and your family ARE grieving, the loss of the man your father was (in his physical sense) and the image he had and has...we grieve about changing images and changing roles in our lives. Your grief and the grief of your family is real and tangible. I feel for you. 

my best friend's husband has MS. It is such an insidious disease, i see changes in Tim in little ways, but i always think about it. His disease is fairly dormant, we found out about it i guess 15 years ago or so. He had a lot of changes right away, then very very slow little ones after that.

Babyjeep, have you or your family thought about joining a local support group?? i know i always suggest them, but that is because so many of the parents of kids i take care of find such help and support there. I had the support of my coworkers when my dad's cardiac history changed and he became a shell of what and who he was. He hated his life everyday of the last three years he lived after his cardiac surgery changed him from a large robust 6 ft 7 375 pound man to what he became. I dont know what i would have done without them. 

I dont think people fully realize how much all this affects us, i believe talking about it and helping others helps us. I am blessed every day i do my job when i remember that.

(ok, spell check wont work, lol, if i spelled anything wrong, just figure it was a typo, yeah, that's it, a typo, lol)


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## babyjeep21 (Dec 9, 2007)

First of all, I wanted to thank all of you guys for your support. I hadn't replied in a few days because I was trying to figure out what to say. This isn't a topic that I have discussed in-depth with anyone, not family or friends. And, in general, I find it hard to know what to say in this situation... (which is not the norm  )



butch said:


> Hi babyjeep21,
> 
> I wanted to just give you a cyber hug for your post, and I hope for the best for you and your parents.
> 
> ...



My dad is very open to the idea of getting away. My mother is not and sees it as her job, as his caretaker, to make sure he doesn't do anything that would possibly put him in danger of falling, becoming sick, or feeling pain. She also worries about the financial repercussions of his inability to work (he's will start his 6th month of sick leave in January). She pretty much wants him to stay at home and be a good little boy. She yells at him even if she tries to vacuum. This has been a pretty big hit to his pride. I've talked to her about the fact that he needs to do as much as he can around the house. He needs to feel accomplished and have reason to be proud. She agrees but still worries. Thankfully, the doctor ordered him to get off a medicine that he was previously prescribed... This week, we've seen a very positive change as far as his mobility and endurance throughout the day. We're hoping that this continues for a little while. If so, maybe I can talk my mother into being a little more adventurous. 



Susannah said:


> Hey BabyJeep,
> 
> I am so sorry to hear this sweetie. It must be so hard and scary for you. For some reason and it is not known why, Multiple Sclerosis generally tends to behave more agressively in men, and they tend to have the more progressive form of the disease.
> I have Relapsing Remitting MS ( rrms) meaning I have relapses, I am sick, it gets treated and it tends to stabilize again, and I have periods of remission where I live normally. As time goes on a person with this form of the disease does start to have some residual deficit, namely for me I have permanant numbness in my left hand and I am generally weaker than I used to be. I am still working though.
> ...



I've done a little research. My parents are constantly reading books, checking online forums, drilling the doctors...etc, but have yet to go to any groups. I don't know how my dad feels, but I do feel that my mother would greatly benefit from it. I think she has taken a harder hit from this than dad has. Sometimes, I feel like she thinks she is the only one going through this and I think she needs to see that she is not alone. 

My dad is a pretty quiet man and doesn't like to voice complaints and concerns. The doctors believe that he's had a mild form of MS for about 5 years and it is just now becoming more progressive. We wonder how long he's really been feeling the effects of this. 

Actually, in the beginning, the doctors thought it was a form of brain cancer, which I'm so thankful that it isn't! That kind of put things in perspective.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but how long have you had it? Is there anything your family members do to help make things better when you're having difficulty?

Thanks so much for your input! 



Friday said:


> I am so sorry BabyJ. Your father is much too young. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.



Thank You!



liz (di-va) said:


> I'm so sorry about your father, A; it is heart-breaking and so difficult that a disease could descend so fast like that on someone so young.
> 
> I hope your parents can find some time and togetherness free of some care. And *you* too. Some peace in it all as you can. I don't know how something like this couldn't make you look at your life differently, to be honest. Sounds very tossing and turning, out of one's control.
> 
> I think this was an entirely appropriate place for you to talk about your feelings. It can be hard for people to formulate responses (note mine now), but know that what you said was heard and read and that big waves of sympathy and support and hugs are coming back.



Yes... It has to make you look at life differently. I'm only 23 and I know I have so much to learn. When you're young, illness just seems to be one of those subjects you flit over. You don't really consider it because it's not something you're going to go through (at that age). I guess I never really considered it happening to my loved ones either.

Originally I was a little worried that I was hijacking... I'm relieved that this topic was well received.



SocialbFly said:


> You and your family ARE grieving, the loss of the man your father was (in his physical sense) and the image he had and has...we grieve about changing images and changing roles in our lives. Your grief and the grief of your family is real and tangible. I feel for you.
> 
> my best friend's husband has MS. It is such an insidious disease, i see changes in Tim in little ways, but i always think about it. His disease is fairly dormant, we found out about it i guess 15 years ago or so. He had a lot of changes right away, then very very slow little ones after that.
> 
> ...



I agree with you... and I'm getting a little better at addressing the issue, I guess. My father will always be my father, regardless of what his physical disabilities are, but I think his confusion and deteriorating cognition are what effect me the most. Those changes really seem to make a difference as far as who he is, how he handles situations and how he address other people. I guess I just hate seeing him struggle or being unhappy.

I'm going to talk to my parents about joining a support group of some sort. I think they need it both as a couple and individually. And I'll try to figure out if I need to do something too. My brain is still in all a jumble about this stuff.

Thanks so much guys! I hope I didn't drag the thread off topic too badly!


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## moore2me (Dec 9, 2007)

Hi Baby Jeep, 

I was just reading about your dad & mom and you guy's struggle with MS. I am sorry to hear it happening to your family. As Sussanah said, I have MS too; I have been diagnosed for about 15 years now. I have made peace with the disease - it and I are like boxers in a fight - right now we are between rounds and in separate corners. I never know when the bell is going to signal the start of another round tho. 

Just a few words of advice & you can ask me questions by PM. Moore2me's tips:

1) Try to get your dad in some kind of exercise program - I do Aqua-aerobics
This builds up balance, strength, and confidence.

2) Build a network of resources - local (your town), state, and national, start now and keep the info on hand. Build a data base & a library. Read & learn.

3) Get a really good MS doctor. I have had mine for the entire 15 years. We are old friends. She is my age. I can email her. We trust each other & can talk frankly. 

Let me tell you about traveling, you mention travel now while you can. For me - those days are already over. I used to love to travel. I still wish I could. But, the hassles not worth it anymore. Just walking thru an airport is like climbing a mountain. Heat over 90 degrees F makes me turn into a pile of jelly. I have bladder control problems - not good on planes and in strange places. You try & find a restroom in New York on Broadway or in San Francisco on the street. The medication I take makes me have bowel control problems which also make traveling a delight. 

I fall down at least once a month. It takes an Act of God to get me up. So far, I haven't hurt myself badly, but, I do make a spectacle out of it. Scares the children & such. After about three o'clock I am wasted. I can't talk very well, little energy, start forgetting stuff, can't do math, reasoning skills start going bye bye, it's a trip! I'm like a vampire when the sun starts coming up. So if I have to do something important, I must do it early in the day & when it's not hot. Must also be in air-conditioning.

The main medication I take for MS is called *Copaxone*. It really works well for me - I take it by giving myself daily injections with prefilled syringes. *The bad part the drug costs $1760.00 a month*!!! Fortunately, most of this is paid by my insurance. I think the company that makes it will try to help get funding for people that cannot pay for the drug. Montel Williams also advertises a program to help with such drugs. I also have the vicious headaches you mentioned your dad having - for those I take *Topamax* - it works well for me too. I take *Zanaflex *(generic) as a muscle relaxer for muscle cramps and *Requip* because I am having some jitters and quivers in my joints, arms, and legs that started out as restless leg syndrome.

I would like to leave you with the message of some things that I have come to understand. Altho I am only 55, I have already had a good life. I have done a lot of things, seen a lot, and lead a life of priviledge. I have achieved most of my goals, (not all, but who has?) I am not ready to die, but I am willing to turn my life over to God & fate and do not curse life for the hand it has dealt me. I realize the future belongs to those younger than me and I will try to help them & guide them. I will try and take care of myself as long as I can and not worry too much about the future of my illness - after all who knows what the future holds in store for them? (I bet your dad feels like this too.)

Well, I have talked too much again. Guess Id better shut up and let you digest some of this. Holler (PM) if you have questions.

Moore2me
Deborah Moore


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## Shosh (Dec 9, 2007)

Hey Andrea,

I have had MS I believe since my early twenties, I am 37 now. Multiple Sclerosis is a notoriously difficult disease to diagnose and it is only usually done so after two attacks on two seperate occasions.

I have coped pretty well until the last few months as I feel myself slowly getter weaker and having more difficulty in coping. I like Deborah am very good in the morning, but come the afternoon I get exhausted, weak, I forget things, I feel shaky, I feel easily overwhelmed. I have not disclosed that I have this disease to my employer so I am having to hide all of these issues that I am going through which is tough.

I do not know for how much longer I will be able to do my current beloved job of working with children. I think I could still work but I would have to do office work and I would hate that.
I could go on disability but I want to work for as long as I can, I am stubborn like that.
I have been very bad about Listening to my neurologists instructions, I have just tried to foget about it all and go on like I do not have this disease. He wants to talk to me about medication etc etc. I will have to have repeat MRI scanning soon. I effin hate those scans.
I am going to be a good girl in 2008 and do as I am told.

Andrea my family is pretty broken, not because of my illness, just that is the way it is.
I am feeling very connected to my faith at the moment and I think that that may be a comfort to me in all of this. I think I am going to start going back to shule more often and take comfort in that.
The hardest thing about all this for me is that I think that I will not have children as I am just not well enough. 
That is very heartwrenching for me to have to deal with as I love children and I have always thought that I would have children of my own. Meanwhile I am going to love on my nephews. I shall suffocate them with love.

Deborah you sent me a PM. Can you take this post as a reply to that? I am feeling a bit tired and having to type out another message would do my head in. Your advice to Andrea was fantastic meanwhile.

Andrea, big hugs to you.

Susannah


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## UMBROBOYUM (Jan 11, 2008)

I've been pondering the last few days or so whether I should/could post this. Lately I've been posting on the boards and such...

5 days ago my Grandma passed away in the hospital. We were close as she had lived with our family of 5 for many years. This past fall she had to go into the hospital and nursing home as we did not have the resources to take care of her and watch over her. This was taxing on everyone especially my mother. When I went to visit my Grandma in the hospital, I saw that she probably wasn't going to make it past winter. 

I remember after our family had gotten the phone call in the morning, I had to go see her again. My family couldn't see her right away as they were dealing with her death differently than I. 

I had gone to the hospital with a friend and we came up to the room my grandma was in. I asked my friend to wait as I entered the room. The curtains were closed around her bed covering any view of her. My heart felt heavy and slow as made my way quietly to her bed side. her bed was close to the window, which was let open. Out in the distance I could see the morning sky being lit by the rising sun. I took a deep breath and turned to face my Grandma. 

There she was lying quietly and peaceful. White as the blanket which covered 
her. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was slightly opened. She had a half smile thinly stretch. 

I couldn't look at her so I dropped my gaze down to her hands. I noticed her finger nails still had some color polish on it that my mother had told me she put on just a few days before. I focused on her hand intensely for a moment and realized that I was looking at my own two hands. We had similar hands. Then I think it hit me. The realization that those hands would never move again, those nails would never be colored, her peaceful face would only smile once last time. It was over. The last I saw of her alive she was wrapped in pain and fear. I could see it in her eyes. I remember my last visit I had snuck out trying not to disturb her rest while we sat watching one of the T.V.s.

Now she lay there before me at peace, at the end of her journey. I wanted to tell her so much that I didn't say before. It was too late. She was at a better place now. I felt such sorrow and happiness for her. (if that makes any sense at all.)


So in my heart I told her what I could not say with words. I stayed quietly talking to her by the bedside. I let her know that I was going to do my best and be a great person one day. I'm sure she knows this by now. After awhile I said goodbye and left. I took one look at the two patients in the room. Both were on the verge of dying like my grandma. I took one last look at my grandma and then the two patients. That would be the last time I would see them alive. 


I've been thinking about that visit everyday since now, even after we buried her next to my grandpa yesterday, I still cant shake the visit from my mind. 
I've been going through mixed feelings these past few days. I cant describe all of them but I did upload two music pieces by James Horner that I can accurately say describes my feelings. Both come from The Four Feathers and Glory. 


http://files.filefront.com/11+Track+11wma/;9415086;/fileinfo.html The Four Feathers

http://files.filefront.com/11+An+Epitaph+to+Warwma/;9415172;/fileinfo.html Glory.


I think they describe my feelings on my current bereavement. I've taken a few psychology courses on death and bereavement so I kinda have an idea of what I'm going through on an external point of view. Even though I know she wants me to be happy and is at peace, I still find myself sad. I feel better writing this down now as I don't think i could have told my family and friends what I'm feeling to this extent without making them sad. I don't mean to make everyone read a lot of this, so sorry for the long writing and bad grammar. I felt I needed to get this out off my chest.


-Jon


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## Friday (Jan 11, 2008)

I lost my Mom Jon after a long, torturous and inevitable slide into the end (emphysema). Part of me was glad for her sake because she was so unhappy and I can finally admit now that a part of me was happy that those that loved her wouldn't have to watch her suffer anymore because she was so very unhappy. She wouldn't even let anyone but my sister and I and our families visit anymore because she didn't want anyone to see her like she was.

The sadness I felt was for us, because we loved her and I knew we would miss her very much. And we do. But I wouldn't have wished her to stay for any longer the way she was. She hated it. She went at home, but like your Grandma she had peace on her face...and chocolate in her mouth which made us smile through our tears.

I believe that your Grandma heard every word you said and that she'll be with you until you see her again. Love is the most powerful thing we have. I don't believe it just goes pffft when we move to the next stage.


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## UMBROBOYUM (Jan 15, 2008)

Friday said:


> I lost my Mom Jon after a long, torturous and inevitable slide into the end (emphysema). Part of me was glad for her sake because she was so unhappy and I can finally admit now that a part of me was happy that those that loved her wouldn't have to watch her suffer anymore because she was so very unhappy. She wouldn't even let anyone but my sister and I and our families visit anymore because she didn't want anyone to see her like she was.
> 
> The sadness I felt was for us, because we loved her and I knew we would miss her very much. And we do. But I wouldn't have wished her to stay for any longer the way she was. She hated it. She went at home, but like your Grandma she had peace on her face...and chocolate in her mouth which made us smile through our tears.
> 
> I believe that your Grandma heard every word you said and that she'll be with you until you see her again. Love is the most powerful thing we have. I don't believe it just goes pffft when we move to the next stage.



My grandma was the same too. It's been almost a week now and I still think of her face everyday. I can't seem to put it out of my mind. I suppose time will change things....

thanks Friday, I appreciate it.


-Jon


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## cherylharrell (Mar 17, 2009)

I loved mariac1966's poems on here.



My sweet hubby Mike who was a type 1 diabetic passed on from a heart attack Tues March 3rd. He had been having symptoms of a cold recently & coughing up congestion. So dumb me assumed he had gotten the cold his brother has. Several times earlier he had coughed up weird congestion & I thought it was the cold. Well I had watch some old 60's shows like Bewitched & I Dream Of Jeannie with him. Later I felt tired & told him I was gonna lay down for a few mins until the news came on & then watch the 11 pm news & then after that I'd come and we'd watch tv together. Well just after I started to lay down Mike called me & said he needed me. I asked if it was important or not. He said yeah & he was having trouble breathing with his congestion. I tried to help him patting him on his back & asked if he wanted me to the do the Heimlich maneuver. He said yes, I did that & gave him some water but he spit it up & it was foamy. He said call the emergency crew. I tired to help him first & called my mom first to see if she knew what to do. What an idiot I was to have called her first. But you don't know. I thought he was choking from his congestion from the cold. I called the emergency crew but it was probably too late. I probably saw him die. Andy the preacher at our church who also went to school the same time as me but a grade ahead of me. His sister heard it on the police scanner & called & told him. He came & helped me. The emergency crew and a few cops came. They tried to help but I guess it was too late. They think he had a heart attack. Guess him choking on his congestion caused it maybe. Or either his choking on congestion was a heart attack and we thought it was a cold. Plus his mom & sister both died of heart attacks. 

Right now I am in so much shock and pain. I know he is up in heaven but I still hurt so bad. He was the only man I ever loved (tv stars & singers don't count) and the only man I have ever went out with more than once.

But I could use people’s prayers & vibes. I hurt so bad & am in such shock. It happened Tues nite probably after 10:30 pm maybe. We'd been married 23 yrs this June. Almost 48 yrs old is way too young to lose a hubby. I want him back so bad...

This wasn't supposed to happen until I was 80. His service was at our church Rivers Edge Bible Church (Presbyterian) on Sat March 7 at 2 pm. It feels like I am in a bad dream & will wake up & he will be here. I am staying with my folks a few days.

There was no autopsy. The drs medical report on the tests they had taken on him didn't get to us until after he went. They were gonna put him on Liptor & had prescribed it & another med for him & the prescriptions were included with it. They listed they couldn't find any heart trouble. I think it was there & they never caught it. Cuz the hospital my dad got put in recently gave him a booklet on heart trouble & some of the symptoms in there like hurting legs were ones Mike had. When Mike was going to my dr he liked him better & if he was still going to him this would've been caught. The hospital made him stop going to my dr & go to one in Richmond instead because they found out he was under the free Medicare (couldn’t afford the paid one). All the Medicare patients have to go to drs in Richmond. That drs office does not do their appointments right. When you go to the drs there, after your appt is finished, they do not immediately schedule you for the next one. Instead they tell you to call back in a few weeks to make your appt. The half the time when you call they are booked up & say to call back in a week or so. That is SO WRONG because it caused Mike to forget to make his appts & he ended up not going to the drs for along time. I would cajole him to try to make an appt & when he called they’d say call back in a week or so. I think his current dr really tried. But because of how they do their appts & Mike because of it waiting so long to go back to them, they were not able to find anything wrong with him in time. I think his current dr was a good one but it was too late.

I just can't believe this happened & refuse to believe it. If you have a spouse please hold onto them & love them all you can because they won't be here long. I love you Mike...) I just can't believe this happened & refuse to believe it. If you have a spouse please hold onto them & love them all you can because they won't be here long. I love you Mike...

He was a people person & got a big kick out of going to see my friend Arlo (who is a singer) with me. He so enjoyed the shows. In 1988 I fell for Arlo after we rented a movie of hisfrom Blockbuster out of curiosity. Went searching & got records of him & boom got hooked. In 89 we found out Arlo was doing a show at Wolftrap Park. So we went & met Arlo after the show. Ever since then whenever he'd come to VA or nearby states like MD, & NC we'd always go. We were planning to go to Arlo’s Hampton VA show in May. I dunno who I'll get to go with me now.

The day after he went, we had to make the arrangements & pick out stuff casket & stuff. Funeral was at our church the Sat after he went, at 2 pm with viewing an hr before that. Then burial after service in nearby cemetery. My mom had gotten 4 plots yrs ago when I was a kid so she, dad & me & whoever I married would have them. Some yrs ago she got the markers put down & I was glad to see what they looked like. Never thought we'd use them so soon. One minute I can't believe what happened the next I am breaking into. My folks neighbors & some church people came by & called & were so sweet & helpful. I accidentally went into a room with a dead woman in a coffin & creepy organ music playing. Ewww. The week before he passed, we had been to the same funeral home to a visitation for one of Mike’s cousins best friends who had passed on.

The dumb road crews when they cleared the roads they pushed the dumb snow in the driveway so not one could get in or out. . So I suspect that kept the crew and cops from getting in that good. I am not amused with the road crews. 

I still can't believe it and freak out alot. 

This was our song. I had heard it millions of times & liked it but never noticed how the words fit us. A few yrs ago I heard it on the radio & realized the song was talking about us. So I suggested to him that it would be our song. The song was a big hit in 1969. Interestingly we saw them yrs ago with Micky Dolenz of the Monkees at an oldies show yrs ago. And tho we liked the song we hadn't yet noticed it was our song. 

Spiral Starecase - More Today Than Yesterday Lyrics
(This was our song Mike and mines song)


I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you (How I fell in love with Mike)

Every day's a new day in love with you
With each day comes a new way of loving you
Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wander
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow

Tomorrow's date means springtime's just a day away
Cupid, we don't need ya now, be on your way
I thank the Lord for love like ours that grows ever stronger (Love this line)
And I always will be true
I know you feel the same way too

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But only half as much as tomorrow


(I love you with all my heart Doodles my love. He is with Jesus now.)

Doodles was my pet name for him. I started calling him Sugar Doodles & soon shortened it to Doodles. He was a blind date a friend set me up on. And the only guy I ever went out with more than once.



I could end up having to live with my folks as it'd be so hard to live alone with this diabetes. They live in a subdivision 20 mins away that is for old folks. 55 & up can live there. One of my folks neighbors is a 96 yr old guy. Moms 80 next yr & dad is in his 80's. So I guess they need me now. Being on here and online gets my mind off of things.

My cousin Tommy the gospel singer sang at the service. My cousin Jason Mraz (the famous singer) couldn’t come cuz he was in Malaysia somewhere, I think & I dunno how to contact him. So we played a cd of a coupla songs of him singing and a cd of Arlo singing Amazing Grace at the visitation at the church before the service & at the dinner afterwards so they both could be there, even tho they were unable to come due to doing shows in other states and countries.


They left the blanket he died on, on our living room couch. I kept it & will forever cuz it has his scent on it. I didn’t sleep for over 24 hrs & can't even sleep. Too hurt & keyed up.


And prayers for Peter Tork of the Monkees. While checking mail I came across an article saying he has cancer. http://www.popeater.com/music/article/m ... cer/369779 Sure hope he is gonna be okay. I am a huge Monkees fan too & Mike loved them too.


I want my baby (Mike) back so bad. This nightmare can't be happening...

Went to visit Mike the day after the day he went & out of all the dead folks I've ever seen he looked the most natural. I always said I'd never touch a dead person (ewww) or take a pic of one but I had to touch his hair, coat & him (But not him for long as I'd be squicked so bad). I am still in shock & do not believe it happened.

I got another sign from Mike again. Thurs am on the floor of my moms guest room was laying on the floor a spring of plastic holly leaf. I remembered on my old cell phone I had asked him let me record him on there saying I love you. I played it & discovered that he had not only said I Love You but had sang part of the 60's song by People I Love You after that. We were out somewhere as you could hear noises in the background. One of the lead singers from People Larry Norman had died around this time last yr I remember. So I looked up online to see when he had died. He had died a year ago, a week before Mike. Unreal.

The cousin of the preacher Billy Graham & her hubby came by my folks house to give their regards. They both went to our church. She went to school at my school when I was a teenager & was a grade ahead of me & a cheerleader. Used to see her around the school then but didn't really know her. I used to hang around with her neighbor back in the 60's. Neighbor she had the Beatles Day Tripper record when it first came out & I remember hanging out with her & listening to it with her. I loved that song. I remember the 45's pic sleeve had a pic of a NYC type of nighttime skyline on it & not the Beatles which I had found odd back then. Neighbor & her hubby go to our church & Mike loved to talk ballgames with him.

I went to the same school Mike did back in the 60's but was in a younger grade & he was 10 yrs older than me & in older grades. I saw him around & in the yearbooks but never really knew him. I remember thinking he had to be a fuddy-duddy cuz he had short hair & didn't have long hair. Naw, he was cool. I knew his brother & Wife & son for yrs but they never said jack about having a brother named Mike. Go figure. Guess they thought they were the only family they had.

I'm got together with Jerry Falwells neighbor & her hubby from Lynchburg (who we are friends with) to go visit Mike & have dinner at Shoneys. She is a Starsky and Hutch fan like I am & he loves Arlo like I do. We went with them & met my friend Debbie & her friend Tammy at the funeral home. We visited Mike & then ate at Huddle House. Then back home to visit with our nieces & nephews & bro-in-law from Ohio, Then spend the nite with my folks. I didn't wanna even think about Sat cuz it was the day of his service. This all seems like a nightmare & never happened. 

The service & all for Mike was really nice. He was the best made up & most natural looking I have ever seen for a person that went on. So much has happened since then. Will have to write more another day. I am so dead tired. I am so busy during the day that I don't get to go online until late at nite. And no time for tv which sucks, I need to have a life & yet I just lost mine March 3, 2009. My dad got sick & had to miss the service. Either Sun or Mon the day or 2 days after the service, he was put in the hospital. They think a recent tooth being pulled upped his temperatures & messed with his heart trouble. So they listed it as congestive heart failure. I am dealing with so much pain here. And now my dad in the hospital. I am dying to relax & can't. My folks get up early every morning & then I have to be busy which means I am brain dead now.


Mike keeps sending me messages from heaven. Like messing up Verizon wireless with morse code signals & only a preacher being able to get thru right. And when I talked to my cousin on Verizon Wireless, I heard him say something he clearly did not say.

Before he went Mike wanted to get some records of Dennis Yost & the Classics IV. We got one with Spooky on it when we went to Hampton to see Arlo & went to a used record store. Well it has the line in it about proposing on Halloween. Mike was a blind date a friend set me up on. On our first date he insisted on taking me and my friend & her ex hubby to a cemetery to view a woman who was buried in oil. We always said that reminded me and us of the song Spooky. Well the song Spooky came on oldies 107.3 played by Mikes favorite dj. We had never had the time to play the record yet before he went on. I guess he was trying to remind me of all that.

Watch this video here 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr6H1a7YUac#

I watched it while transferring pics of Mike taken at the funeral etc on my moms camera to my camera. I stopped it right after the line that goes "I'm a lucky feller & I just gotta tell her that I love her endlessly so I could finish up the pics & go to bed. When I paused the video at that spot in it all of the pics immediately renamed themselves to the name of the group singing the song which is Edison Lighthouse. The only pics it did that too were ones taken from the day he died until Sun. And any pics taken of people wearing bellbottoms pants or 1970's clothes. And I sure did not rename the pics either. When I put the camera card in my camera it renamed a pic of my dad wearing a 70's suit from this Christmas when 2008 when Mike & I went with my folks to Shoneys, it renamed the pic Ed Edison Lighthouse & with numbers behind it. I am attaching several pics of this for you to see the proof that Mike did it. Too wild to be true.

Mike changed the music in Kmart to Elvis. Once in K-Mart I had joked with him that he would change the music to Elvis on the pa system there after he did. I had to go in K-mart to call my mom at the hospital on her cell phone to find out about my dad. Ever since I lost my cell phone & Mike went my moms cell phone has been picking up morse code & breaking up. Only person who could talk totally clearly on there was the preacher from our church. In K-mart they were playing weird current music. When I finished talking to mom I started to leave. When I went by the speakers on the way out, the music immediately changed to an Elvis song. When it ended it immediately changed back to whatever new junk they had been playing. Then I left.


One day or so after he passed my mom got some Milk Duds in the store in case any of us had a low blood sugar as my folks are now both diabetic like I am & Mike was. The next day all of the Milk Duds were gone & neither my mom or I ate any of them. There were only 2 Milk Dud’s left.

All of this is true & no joke. Mike is contacting me from heaven. Amen...


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## Tina (Mar 17, 2009)

I'm so sorry, Cheryl. Wish I had words that could actually help, but I know that nothing really helps right now. I'm glad that you're writing about Mike and your experiences with him. It sounds to me like the two of you were very cozy together, and full of love for each other. 

Do these signs from him make you feel a little better? 

Wishing you comfort.


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## Celestial Ceece (Mar 20, 2009)

This thread is some kind of emotional for me to read...a lot of people seem to be experiencing grief that is fresh, new, and I know that initially, you can either feel shock/numbness/disbelief...and a lot of other things too. It is like a rollercoaster ride and you have no choice but to stay on and go through the ups and downs. 

My father was sick for over twenty years with cancer and other diseases and conditions that resulted from years of the illness and treatments. He fought with strength and an attitude that I've learned a lot from. I am disabled and have problems and when I'm in pain I often think of some of the things he would say to get himself motivated to live. He said things to us like, "you live until you die" and "every day above ground is a good one". When he first went in the hospital (before he passed) we thought for sure that he would pull through, because he had in the past...he was on the brink of death time and again and somehow he always made it. 

On November 9th, 2008, he passed away. We had to make the decision to take him off life support. He wouldn't have survived anyway - his liver failed, kidneys failed, his system "backed up" and became septic, had respiratory distress, etc. Instead of treating him for the proper infection (e.coli), they were treating him for staph or strep - which he didn't have. But it was already too late. Initially, they performed emergency surgery and nearly amputated his leg - but the infection spread through his system and, well honestly, I don't want to write about the experience my family and I went through watching him die. Needless to say, after we took him off life support, they thought it would take him 5 - 10 minutes to pass, but he was alive for over 20 minutes. 

We stood around his bed, watching him struggle to breathe, watching the heartbeat slow down on the monitor, watching his blood pressure decline...After a while the nurse said, "he stopped breathing" and it appeared as though he had, but then, after a few seconds, he took ONE LAST BREATH. And he was gone. 

I knew six months before he passed that he wasn't going to be around much longer. There are things I wish I did differently - like I should've listened to my intuition and made more time for him, but I didn't, and I can't change it now. 

I've gotten to a point in the grieving process where I can move forward with my life. I have a child to take care of though, so having him around has helped me tremendously. I feel a sense of clarity about my own life as well. I know how fragile life is and the strength and courage of my father gives me the strength to keep going. 

But I miss him so much. And while I've seen other people go through illness and eventually death, nothing could've prepared me for this...nothing. I don't think people appreciated all my father did in this world until after he passed. He was a good man and I know he's at peace now, and he really deserved peace after having spent so much time in pain. 

Thanks for this thread, Samantha - and to everyone who have shared their experiences too!


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## Friday (Mar 23, 2009)

My condolences Cheryl and belatedly to you CC.


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 28, 2009)

cherylharrell said:


> I loved mariac1966's poems on here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Oh my God, ((((((Cheryl))))). I'm so sorry. I read about your dear husband's passing in the 'Croc' thread and just did a search. I'm so deeply saddened to hear of your profound loss.  You are among friends here. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. :kiss2:


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## Shosh (Mar 29, 2009)

I am very sorry for your loss Cheryl. That is so sad. It hurts now, but happiness will return to your life when you remember all the good times, the fun times, and the happy times.

Love
Susannah


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## Celestial Ceece (Mar 29, 2009)

My Aunt chose this song for my father's service, and I think it is beautiful. It is by the Eagles (my dad loved the Eagles). 

I've been reading through this thread again and I feel like I'm not alone. These past few days have been hard, I won't say why, but I've held myself together pretty well only to feel like I am going to fall apart today. Each day has gotten easier, and then, BOOM, it isn't so easy anymore. Anyway, this song is for everyone here who has lost someone, whether recently or not. Really, we aren't alone.

_YOU ARE NOT ALONE - BY THE EAGLES

Say goodbye to all your pain and sorrow
Say goodbye to all those lonely nights
Say goodbye to all your blue tomorrows
Now you're standing in the light

I know sometimes you feel so helpless
Sometimes you feel like you can't win
Sometimes you feel so isolated
You'll never have to feel that way again

You are not alone
You're not alone

Never thought I'd find the road to freedom
Never thought I'd see you smile again
Never thought I'd have the chance to tell you
That I will always be your friend

You are not alone
You're not alone_


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 2, 2009)

*bump*

This is such a good thread. I'd been looking for it for a while but couldn't spell 'bereavement.'  I know this time of year is hard for so many people. The holidays after a loss is the worst. Also it seems so many people have lost loved ones around the holidays. I had a discussion with friends about this and we feel that the stress around the holidays may be a contributing factor. Also I'm at the age now where a lot of my friends are experiencing the loss of their parents. I feel their loss as many of them are people that I knew as well and I'm reminded of my own parents' declining health of late. I find that these losses are effecting me in a way that they haven't before. I've been taking them to heart a bit more than usual out of the fear of the eventual losses that I will experience sometime in the future. Given the climate for me of late this is much more real to me than it was before.

Anyway, *bump*.


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## TraciJo67 (Feb 8, 2010)

saucywench said:


> I am dealing with my own experiences of loss of loved ones through death. I wrote at great length in the Clubhouse, I think, as a way of working through it, the loss of my former long-term mate of 10 years this past February. I am still feeling the effects of this loss. I dreamed of him only three nights ago, and the vision of him in that dream is still vivid, unlike so many dreams that quickly fade from memory. We weren't no longer together because I stopped loving him; we were no longer together because he had insurmountable addictions that ultimately led to his death--addictions that took their toll on me to the extent that I felt it necessary for my own well-being to get him out of my life. While my affection for him had diminished over time because of these things over which he had no control, I suppose I never really stopped loving him; I did what I had to do to save myself. Although he put me through all kinds of hell (as he did with all of his loved ones), it's remarkable that, after his death, it's all of the good aspects of the relationship that are strongest in my memory. *I grieve over the the waste of a life that had such potential, as he was inordinately talented, gifted, creative, intelligent, and compassionate, and I'm angry at all of the reasons in his life that he was led down that path of ultimate self-destruction.* I grieve for his beautiful daughter who has to live with this legacy of her father as an addict. I grieve over the fact that he ultimately died alone, albeit in the company of other homeless men in the shelter who had befriended him--that he was not in the presence of someone who knew, loved, and cherished his true heart, soul, and spirit. And, yes, I grieve for myself for being denied the quality of a relationship with him that I feel I deserved, and for the unmet potential inherent in that.
> 
> The other situation I am dealing with has not yet been realized, but it is inevitable. Although my father died in 1999, my mother is still alive, but I am concerned that her remaining time on earth is limited. She turned 80 this summer and I see her health rapidly continuing to decline. Her doctor informed my sister this past spring if she did not make some changes in her life, he felt she had only 6 months to a year to live. Because I seem to be the most pragmatic of the siblings with regard to these matters, I have tried to work with her on getting her affairs in order. At times she seems willing, as she knows it is the wise thing to do. But I keep getting resistance from her, with her making excuses. These kinds of fits and starts have taken their toll. It's hard enough to have to consider these things realistically, but the ideal scenario is to deal with them head-on and matter-of-factly and get them done. I understand that she is frightened and fearful, but continual avoidance or circumventing the inevitable is maddening. I would much prefer that she get in writing who gets what (I don't anticipate much of an argument over that, as she doesn't really have much in the way of material or bankable assets), funeral matters such as cremation vs. burial, who to give the service, type of casket if burial, clothes to be dressed in, body viewed or not, preferred songs/verses during service, who will deliver a eulogy...it goes on and on. Far too often, people have a standoffish approach to the reality of death, but this benefits no one, and only causes more anguish during an already stressful situation if these matters are not dealt with beforehand (while they are of reasonable mind). Her eventual death will absolutely crush me, as we are very close and I rely on her heavily for emotional support. Another difficult aspect is that she has never come to terms with certain events in her life. She has carried these issues with her for decades and her refusal to confront them has crippled her in many ways and affected all of us negatively. This is one of the primary reasons that I feel compelled to "escape" through relocation and try to come to terms with my own issues so that I can live out the rest of my life at peace with myself (see sig line below).
> 
> ETA: I forgot to mention: My mother was seen recently at home by a geriatric physician, who subsequently scheduled her for an angiogram (or related procedure, can't recall at the moment) next Tuesday. This is the procedure she refused when she was placed in the hospital a couple of months ago. So...more stress will be forthcoming.


 
Wow. I missed the significance of this thread and this post the first go-round. Saucywench, I could have written this post, except that the person in my life who died was my brother. My father died 5 years ago, and my mother -- who is only 62 -- has been diagnosed with (probable) early Alzheimers. Much of what you've written re: the pragmatics of dealing with a sudden loss -- and the inevitability of a future loss -- I find myself struggling with. 

The sentence that I highlighted was an aha moment for me. I am still coming to terms with losing my brother suddenly, and the what-if's still haunt me, as well as the senselessness of how we lost him ... and my own hopes for what his life could have/should have been.


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## bigjayne66 (Feb 9, 2010)

Hi all,My beloved husband Frank died in august 2003, after a second heart attack proved too much for him,until that point,we had lived a pretty normal life,both working,although he did part time due to his bad heart and other health problems.
It didnt really hit home that he was gone till after the funeral,and I turned to food as a comforter,and between then and september 2009 I gained 170 pounds,becoming a virtual recluse in the process,I think I have been out about 6 times a year in the last three years.
Joining Dimensions has helped me move on to a degree and I seem to be making some friends here,although I will never forget Frank,he was not an FA but never criticised my 210 pounds,he was just accepting
Dims has brought me out of my shell somewhat thanks to two or three FA guys and a couple of lovely supportive ladies on this site
Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us all ?


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## NYCGabriel (Feb 22, 2010)

From 2006 to 2009, I lost 3 members of my family. My father died from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, my godfather to Alzheimer's and my godmother moved back to Cuba to be with her blood relatives when she dies. I know I'm never going to see her ever again. 

I never learned how to properly grieve or deal with the pain. Nothing seemed to work. 1 on 1 counseling, group therapy, talking to friends or medication. My pre-existing depression was worsened by these 3 incidents. There isn't a day that passes when I just want to crawl under the mattress and sleep.  

This thread and 2 others I've read is helping me little by little.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 22, 2010)

NYCGabriel said:


> From 2006 to 2009, I lost 3 members of my family. My father died from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, my godfather to Alzheimer's and my godmother moved back to Cuba to be with her blood relatives when she dies. I know I'm never going to see her ever again.
> 
> I never learned how to properly grieve or deal with the pain. Nothing seemed to work. 1 on 1 counseling, group therapy, talking to friends or medication. My pre-existing depression was worsened by these 3 incidents. There isn't a day that passes when I just want to crawl under the mattress and sleep.
> 
> This thread and 2 others I've read is helping me little by little.



Grief is the type of thing that can't be cured or fixed. It's something that just has to run its course and you have to ride it out. I'm really concerned though that you might be battling grief during a time when your depression is untreated. This is so dangerous Gabriel. You could really make yourself sick. I know it's hard to get the momentum going but one step at a time. Do what you can to make sure you are being properly treated for your depression. It won't solve all of your problems but it will take some of the edge off. ((((Gabriel))))


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## CPProp (Feb 26, 2010)

bigjayne66 said:


> Hi all,My beloved husband Frank died in august 2003, after a second heart attack proved too much for him,until that point,we had lived a pretty normal life,both working,although he did part time due to his bad heart and other health problems.
> It didnt really hit home that he was gone till after the funeral,and I turned to food as a comforter,and between then and september 2009 I gained 170 pounds,becoming a virtual recluse in the process,I think I have been out about 6 times a year in the last three years.
> Joining Dimensions has helped me move on to a degree and I seem to be making some friends here,although I will never forget Frank,he was not an FA but never criticised my 210 pounds,he was just accepting
> Dims has brought me out of my shell somewhat thanks to two or three FA guys and a couple of lovely supportive ladies on this site
> Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us all ?



There is always a light at the end of the tunnel how you get there and how quick depends on your personality and resolution. Of late I've overcome 3rd stage Hodgkins disease. late 2005, 6 months chemo which meant 7 months off work, redundant 2 months after return, new job 1 month later, wife died early 2007, secured fantastic new job mid 2008 and still there, told in remission late 2009, Have I or will I ever give up..No. nor will I until Im fully in that light again..and you can do the same. Oh and with out being to personal, as i'm in the UK and only about a hundred miles or so away, if you wish, you can always call on my support  

005


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