# Vile disgusting ignorant family members



## xm41 (Nov 27, 2008)

Does anybody have to deal with a family member who needs their head slammed into a wall? My father is an extremely anti fat prejudice person. His comments are outright vile insults. He thinks fat people deserve no respect and should be subject to open ridicule.

Tonight at thanksgiving he said I was a fat disgusting pig and that I should give up looking for a job because nobody would ever hire me. Despite the fact that I didnt come near clearing my plate and ate less than anybody else at the table he said I made a total pig out of myself once more and embarrassed the family.

He went on to say that I had stunk up the entire house and he forbid me from sitting on the new living furniture. 
I am one nerve away from crippling this asshole. The rest of the family says that I just need to accept his opinion and that it would be wrong to hit him.
The problem is that he never shuts up. 

How do you deal with someone like this?


----------



## theronin23 (Nov 27, 2008)

I know one thing for damn sure, if my father said that...father or not, I'd fuck him up. Completely wrong.


----------



## Surlysomething (Nov 27, 2008)

xm41 said:


> Does anybody have to deal with a family member who needs their head slammed into a wall? My father is an extremely anti fat prejudice person. His comments are outright vile insults. He thinks fat people deserve no respect and should be subject to open ridicule.
> 
> Tonight at thanksgiving he said I was a fat disgusting pig and that I should give up looking for a job because nobody would ever hire me. Despite the fact that I didnt come near clearing my plate and ate less than anybody else at the table he said I made a total pig out of myself once more and embarrassed the family.
> 
> ...



Why does the rest of your family allow it? That's mind-boggling. He would be BANNED from family functions. And my family? NEVER WOULD EVER EVER EVER say anything remotely like that.


----------



## SamanthaNY (Nov 27, 2008)

Yes - it would be wrong to hit him. 

You deal by never seeing him again. You succeed by doing everying in your power to make sure this night never ever happens again.


----------



## Brenda (Nov 27, 2008)

You should shut him and anyone else in your family who sat by and allowed him to talk to you this way.

Brenda


----------



## steely (Nov 27, 2008)

Walk away.It's hard to do but that's not helping you in any way.Families are supposed to be there to support and help,not tear down.I'm sorry you were treated in this way by people who are supposed to love you.


----------



## kinkykitten (Nov 27, 2008)

That's really cruel!  

Does he have any idea how it makes you feel?

I would feel like hitting him to... but as somebody said before that's not the answer. Biting your tongue and holding back your fists is easier said than done though


----------



## Santaclear (Nov 27, 2008)

I agree with what everyone else has said. Don't hit him - that is REAL trouble, but tell him and them how you feel and don't deal with anyone who treats you badly.

It's incredibly difficult when it's family. I had to completely stop dealing with my sister who lives nearby for similar reasons. It must be even harder when it's a GROUP of family.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Nov 27, 2008)

I know it will/would be hard - but you need to go to him, and say basically "Don't talk - just listen. If you ever, EVER speak to me the way you did again, I am out of your life forever. Are we clear?" If he does it again...stick to it. You don't need "family" like that. You need people who will love and support you.


----------



## Shosh (Nov 27, 2008)

I find your father's conduct to be absolutely appalling, and unacceptable. I believe that you should tell him how it makes you feel. If he goes on to further verbally abuse you, you should let him know that you want no further contact with him. I would then stay away.

You are no doubt a good person, and you do not deserve such horrible treatment at the hands of so called family.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Shosh


----------



## xm41 (Nov 27, 2008)

Talking to him doesnt work. He has been told hundreds of times both by me and other members of the family. He simply will not shut up. Even when he isnt talking he is giving dirty looks. When confronted he hays he does it because I need to hear it. It has been this way my whole life.

Im sorry to say it but he is just a total fucking asshole. Being around him is about productive as drinking a cup of bleach. He finds a way to ruin every single family function for me. I end up coming home in a rage where I want to smash things and punch walls. This is how I spend my holidays.


----------



## Haunted (Nov 27, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> I know it will/would be hard - but you need to go to him, and say basically "Don't talk - just listen. If you ever, EVER speak to me the way you did again, I am out of your life forever. Are we clear?" If he does it again...stick to it. You don't need "family" like that. You need people who will love and support you.





Susannah said:


> I find your father's conduct to be absolutely appalling, and unacceptable. I believe that you should tell him how it makes you feel. If he goes on to further verbally abuse you, you should let him know that you want no further contact with him. I would then stay away.
> 
> You are no doubt a good person, and you do not deserve such horrible treatment at the hands of so called family.
> 
> ...



I agree normally the best way to deal with this situation would be to let that person know how badly they have hurt you. BUT... the Vile horrible things her own father said to her is unforgivable in my opinion, Saying she stinks up the whole house and not allowing her to sit on the new furniture!! Personal hygene aside, if it where even true this could be handled with a shitload more tact then it was. and i doubt it's true 

Calling her a pig at the table in front of the entire family, This is your daughter dude. Hitting him is not the answer but if i where in her shoes i'd be disowning the bastard, No wonder so many people have such shitty images of themselves. 

I had a friend growing up whose father used to lock the fridge and reprimand her anytime she ate. in turn she gained alot more when she finally got out of his house, yup you sure taught her buddy, but the entire fa community thanks you


----------



## Shosh (Nov 27, 2008)

xm41 said:


> Talking to him doesn’t work. He has been told hundreds of times both by me and other members of the family. He simply will not shut up. Even when he isn’t talking he is giving dirty looks. When confronted he hays he does it because I need to hear it. It has been this way my whole life.
> 
> I’m sorry to say it but he is just a total fucking asshole. Being around him is about productive as drinking a cup of bleach. He finds a way to ruin every single family function for me. I end up coming home in a rage where I want to smash things and punch walls. This is how I spend my holidays.



It is very ironic that your father should be behaving in such a dispicable manner on Thanksgiving. We do not celebrate this holiday in my country, but my understanding of it is that families get together and count their blessings, and the many things they are thankful for.

Has he forgotten the very purpose of the holiday?

You can start your own new tradition. Why don't you celebrate the holiday next year with a meal with friends, or a lunch where you invite select family members only.

This should be a time of togetherness and affirmation of each other as family, and not abuse from a clearly nasty person.

Do not take on board what he has said about you either. Look at yourself in the mirror and see your beauty, see your worth.

Next year will be better.


----------



## Haunted (Nov 27, 2008)

Susannah said:


> It is very ironic that your father should be behaving in such a dispicable manner on Thanksgiving. We do not celebrate this holiday in my country, but my understanding of it is that families get together and count their blessings, and the many things they are thankful for.
> 
> Has he forgotten the very purpose of the holiday?
> 
> ...



Thanksgiving was a time when we gathered to give thanks for what we have Good family, Good food etc etc.

These days unfortunately it's when we gather and realize just how dysfunctional our family really is and why we only do this once a year 

Honestly though i Kid, i really had a very nice thanksgiving today all my uncles from my mom's side came and almost all the cousins made it. My dad's side is spread out all over the midwest. so we never see them for thanksgiving.


----------



## Aivo (Nov 27, 2008)

What a bastard!

If I were you, I'd tell him to STFU whenever he starts to make such asinine comments.


----------



## Louis KC (Nov 27, 2008)

I generally have no problem with people making fat jokes as long as it is within a humorous context. This however sounds like someone intentionally being hurtful and mean spirited.

You have to step up to him and be brutally honest. He obviously has no problem spewing his ignorant drek about your physical appearance so you have to call him on his bullshit. Most people like this put people down to make themselves feel better. It's been my experience that people like this are cancer in your life and the best thing to do with cancer is to cut it out!


----------



## Durin (Nov 27, 2008)

Make your Thanksgiving plans next year so you will not have to be subject to his hate. 

Surely the rest of your family doesn't want to be party to his emotional abuse.

I would tell them that it's the Asshole or Me but not both.


----------



## moore2me (Nov 27, 2008)

Hi XM41,

I was horrified to read the description of the post about your dad's behavior towards you. Clearly, you need to distance yourself from this man, as you say he is toxic and is doing you moral and psychological harm. Why don't you start some new traditions for the holidays? (Start small so it's not so hard.) Have some celebrations at places away from your dad's home. You can invite a few other family members (but tell them to leave the old man at home). This way you can be with your family and hopefully avoid your dad. 

I would tell your family members what's up and be clear. They should already know, but sounds like they are ignoring the war going on around them. Also, I would write a brief letter to my dad (or videotape a message) and tell him how his tirades are making you feel and the awful harm it is doing you both. It may not change his behavior, but it may make you feel better knowing you have said your peace. 

This whole situation with your dad, your family, and holiday get togethers is definitely not right. He is abusing you verbally and probably has done this all your life. And I wouldn't be surprised if other family members are victims as well, perhaps just not to the extent you are. You should seek out some counseling as well to help you in case you decide to ever be a father. You should either consult a therapist, some kind group that deals with adult children of abusers, or anger control management group that will help explain why your dad is like he is. I really think this is something you should look into in more detail if there is any chance for a future relationship with your own potential wife and children to succeed.


----------



## LisaInNC (Nov 27, 2008)

Was he drunk? Is there anyway you could stab him in the throat and make it look accidental?

Eh come eat thanksgiving with me....my family knows better


----------



## Stiffler (Nov 28, 2008)

XM41
You sound like a really good person that has been pressed to the limit. This is your father so you will always have to deal with him in some way or another. I want you to sit down, calm down, read all these posts and think about it. The only advice I can give you is that once you think about it....and it won't come immediately....it might take a while....it might take a long, long, while. YOU WILL REALIZE IT IS NOT YOU! You are an outlet. Not sure why but somehow you are a target he seems free to hit. I know it sounds hard to believe but I feel sorry for him. Obviously you are a sensitive person that he has and will miss in his lifetime. I don't think you're alone. A person like that doesn't single out one person. You rock on! You realize that you are a good person, a better person. I know it is easier said than done but if you want to get him it will be far, far better than a punch. If you are you it will be the ultimate F U. I wish you the best. Your's in coolness....Stiffmeister


----------



## Shosh (Nov 28, 2008)

I disagree that a person will always have to deal with an abusive family member. If that family member refuses to behave in a decent and respectful manner, then they will have to deal with the consequences of that.

One does not have to put themselves in the firing line just because they are related to another. They can choose to not be around that.

Love and respect is earned on both sides.


----------



## ntwp (Nov 28, 2008)

I'm sorry he is so ignorant and cruel. Be strong and ignore him as best you can and stand up for yourself when necessary. Keep in mind some people are always going to be ignorant assholes and you can't let him win by stooping to his level and doing something like resorting to violence. 

-Best wishes


----------



## Esther (Nov 28, 2008)

Wow. Family or not, nobody deserves to be the subject of such cruel abuse. It is disgusting, ESPECIALLY from a family member. Perhaps he'll realize what a horrible, toxic human being he is once you stop attending such family functions for good.
Honestly, as much as it sucks, sometimes you need to cut family members out of your life. I've had to do it, and it's really hard. But consider... would you be associating with him were he a friend? Would you tolerate such behaviour if he weren't your blood relative?
It wouldn't be YOUR fault if you cut the ties, it would be his, and the fault of all the people who enabled his hatred to continue.


----------



## olwen (Nov 28, 2008)

xm41 said:


> Does anybody have to deal with a family member who needs their head slammed into a wall? My father is an extremely anti fat prejudice person. His comments are outright vile insults. He thinks fat people deserve no respect and should be subject to open ridicule.
> 
> Tonight at thanksgiving he said I was a fat disgusting pig and that I should give up looking for a job because nobody would ever hire me. Despite the fact that I didnt come near clearing my plate and ate less than anybody else at the table he said I made a total pig out of myself once more and embarrassed the family.
> 
> ...



How do you deal with him? You stand up to him and let him know he can't talk to you like that. It will not be a quiet conversation. It might actually be very uncomfortable. Part of the reason he does talk to you that way is because you let him, and so does everyone else it looks like. If you do let him know those kinds of comments won't be tolerated and he still makes them, then the next best thing to just cut him out of your life and let him know why. Let all your other family members know why too.


----------



## Melian (Nov 28, 2008)

Durin said:


> Make your Thanksgiving plans next year so you will not have to be subject to his hate.
> 
> Surely the rest of your family doesn't want to be party to his emotional abuse.
> 
> I would tell them that it's the Asshole or Me but not both.



Durin has summarized my thoughts - it's ultimatum time.


----------



## William (Nov 28, 2008)

I agree

You have no need to ever see him again, you can have lunch with you Mother and there will be other celebrations where you can see other relatives who are not fat haters.

William 





SamanthaNY said:


> Yes - it would be wrong to hit him.
> 
> You deal by never seeing him again. You succeed by doing everying in your power to make sure this night never ever happens again.


----------



## tankgirl (Nov 28, 2008)

Wow. Less than 12 hours and you got more support on this board than it sounds like youve gotten in your life. Cutting family's hard, but if they hurt you, they gotta go. Don't wait till next year to start rewriting your personal holidays-- do it before Christmas this year. And DO NOT be afraid to walk out if he shows up at your private affair. Or, get a coupla friends with a middle name of "the", you know, Jimmy the Fish, Johnny the Moose, whatever, and have them politely escort the pissant off your property.
Either way.... Everyone else has said it.... Be better than that, be "bigger" (chuckle) than that, don't squash the moron.... But you don't have to quietly suck up his offal, either. No one has the right to act like that.


----------



## Qit el-Remel (Nov 28, 2008)

Tell your apathetic relatives that you couldn't care less about his _opinion_; it's the _abuse_ you've had enough of. And tell them not to expect you to come to any more family functions if he's invited.


----------



## Tad (Nov 28, 2008)

Qit el-Remel said:


> Tell your apathetic relatives that you couldn't care less about his _opinion_; it's the _abuse_ you've had enough of. And tell them not to expect you to come to any more family functions if he's invited.



I think Qit hit it square on the head. Nice distinction between his opinion, and his abuse.


----------



## JMNYC (Nov 28, 2008)

I am not going to attempt to solve your issues, but I will tell you that there were years I did not speak to my father, that he was blocked from my email for the last 5 years of his life, and life got better for each member of his family after he passed. 

I also truly loved the guy; he passed on many gifts, wisdom, knowledge and the tools to make a living.

Twice a month, I visit his grave, bend down and kiss the gravestone and tell him I love him. 

We get along much better now.


----------



## moore2me (Nov 28, 2008)

JMNYC said:


> I am not going to attempt to solve your issues, but I will tell you that there were years I did not speak to my father, that he was blocked from my email for the last 5 years of his life, and life got better for each member of his family after he passed.
> 
> I also truly loved the guy; he passed on many gifts, wisdom, knowledge and the tools to make a living.
> 
> ...



Dear JMNYC, 

Your story, like xm41's is so sad. But, it is also incredibly beautiful and powerful, especially to be condensed in such a short amount of prose. I envy your talent in expressing yourself. And your father, where ever he is now, heaven, hell, or somewhere between, should be very proud of you.


----------



## SamanthaNY (Nov 29, 2008)

xm41 said:


> Talking to him doesnt work. He has been told hundreds of times both by me and other members of the family. He simply will not shut up. Even when he isnt talking he is giving dirty looks. When confronted he hays he does it because I need to hear it. It has been this way my whole life.
> 
> Im sorry to say it but he is just a total fucking asshole. Being around him is about productive as drinking a cup of bleach. He finds a way to ruin every single family function for me. I end up coming home in a rage where I want to smash things and punch walls. This is how I spend my holidays.



It's how you spent _that _holiday. Make plans now to go somewhere else, and stay away from him forever.


----------



## likeitmatters (Nov 29, 2008)

what does he look like please? by chance is he perfect and thin as a rail? and does he have a full head of hair and no outward signs of problems with his body?

Personally, I had a sister like that who always belittled me for basically being gay but after my mother father and my partner died, we decided to try one more time to be a family and I said ok one more time and it lasted for three years and it was wonderful for the most part but she went back to her ways and I decided after having my new partner there to witness her attacks on me that I decided to say no thank you and wished her well and best of luck and thanks for the memories.

I would tell your father that unless he is perfect in body and point out the flaws to his body that he should shut the fuck up and leave me alone...


----------



## Diego (Nov 29, 2008)

I suspect that my abuelita (grandma!) likes her men big hehe. Whenever I put on weight she says "You look great!", and she also says the same to her husband. Of course I freaking out when I put on weight jaja!


----------



## Laz (Nov 29, 2008)

Most people who have posted on this thread have hit the nail on the head I think. I can only offer support and tell you what I would do in that situation. I would deliver the message that you will no longer tolerate that kind of abuse, and that if he continues, you will disassociate with him, and the rest of the family that supports his abuse if need be. It's tough, I know, but you can still maintain contact with the family members that don't abuse you, just not while your father is around.

For example, meet mom for coffee or lunch and make sure she leaves dad at home. The most important thing I can say is, whatever you decide to do, follow through with it. If you tell him that you won't stand for the abuse, and that you will not see him anymore if it continues, then follow through. If he still abuses you and you still go back for more, you lost the battle. Don't let him abuse you, put the ball in his court and make him realize what he has done.

One thing I don't know from reading this thread is whether or not you live at home. If you do, this gets much harder if not impossible. If you already have your own place, you can do this pretty easily.

I hope you find a good solution to this for yourself, I hate this kind of stuff. I have been big all my life and suffered a lot for it. Thankfully not from my own family.

Good luck!


----------



## imfree (Nov 29, 2008)

My father i, who calls himself a "Christian", is an abuser 
who should have been locked up for some of the stuff 
he did. My common sense protected me from learning 
most of his bullshit as I grew up. Free-thinking people 
in Dim's have helped me sort through the rest of his 
mental garbage. He has told me several times that "I'm
going to hell because I won't lose weight". He sits
alone in his trailer near Chattanooga because no one
in our family will go near his hateful ass. You have my
empathy, my prayers, and my healing thoughts. No
one deserves abuse.

In fact.........I think I'll come up with a new quote.....

"Obesity is an outward manifestation of inner emotional
scars".

Yep, there it is, let the haters put that in their pipes
and smoke it. They just don't have a clue.


----------



## steely (Nov 29, 2008)

imfree said:


> "Obesity is an outward manifestation of inner emotional scars".



You have put that better than anyone in my life.:bow:


----------



## imfree (Nov 29, 2008)

xm41 said:


> Talking to him doesnt work. He has been told hundreds of times both by me and other members of the family. He simply will not shut up. Even when he isnt talking he is giving dirty looks. When confronted he hays he does it because I need to hear it. It has been this way my whole life.
> 
> Im sorry to say it but he is just a total fucking asshole. Being around him is about productive as drinking a cup of bleach. He finds a way to ruin every single family function for me. I end up coming home in a rage where I want to smash things and punch walls. This is how I spend my holidays.



Your father sounds like a candidate for attitude
readjustment by his state's Domestic Violence
Program, if charges could be pressed. That
level of verbal abuse might be enough to get 
him in.


----------



## Ninja Glutton (Nov 29, 2008)

Ignoring/shunning I feel to be the most effective method of dealing with any breed of asshole. In the words of Dwight Schrute: "It's like slapping them with silence."


----------



## D_A_Bunny (Nov 29, 2008)

Sometimes you have to just rip off the bandage, even though you know it is going to hurt like a bitch. Only then, when you clean out the wound and let it get some fresh air, will it begin to heal.

I have two blood brothers, a mother-in-law and father-in-law that live 2/10 of a mile from me, a sister-in-law and her husband, another sister-in-law and her husband, that are not in my life. Why? Because they were toxic. It took a lot for it to happen (and we all know when the time is right, and then still wait), but it did.

There are many people who would welcome your company regardless of your size, or because of your size, that would not abuse you.

You need to do this for yourself. You also need to do this to show the rest of the family how it is done. There is absolutely no good to come from continuing a relationship (regardless of the relative status) if it is only negative and makes you feel that way.

Please know that you can recieve a lot of support from this board and I am sure there are many in your life who will jump up for joy to know that you have EXCLUDED him from your life.


----------



## shirmack (Nov 29, 2008)

Dude fuck em.... 
Brush your shoulders off pop your collar... 
And fuck em 
They are not worth it 
Let them drink haterade while you shine
Shine on emmm till they have no choice but to bask in your glory 

And remember.....


----------



## rabbitislove (Nov 30, 2008)

Thats dispicable. And absolutely fucking wrong, you should never have to go through another holiday like this.

I agree with a multitude of suggestions. I think you should meet with family members without Daddy-oh Douchebag and talk to them about how the emotional abuse and how its hurting you. Tell them its not just something you "have to put up with" Tell them if they don't start sticking up for you, you won't be coming to any more family functions.

I have a similar situation with my extended family on my mothers side. Certain members have been negligent at times, emotionally abusive at others. Basically my life is on point for criticism, especially my sexuality. I can't win because I'm bisexual, and when I do date men, its because I'm desperate so I take the fat ones because I can't do better. I mostly get it from one of my cousins whose always been spoiled. 

It came time to cut them (and especially the spoiled brat) out of my life when a few of them came to my paternal grandmothers funeral and acted very disrespectfully. Even though I've forgiven them, I can't stand being around their selfishness and criticism, so I normally stay home and work while the rest of my family goes and visits (luckily they live in another state). I had to take a lot of flack and anger for cutting her out of my life, but with time it became easier. 

Im coming to find that the older I get, the less I have to see them. It sucks because I have some wonderful cousins and grandparents on that side of the family who I rarely see, but I realize I'm better off without the negative ones influencing my life. They really made me feel like shit growing up, and I feel better taking these years to heal. 

Namaste.


----------



## Observer (Nov 30, 2008)

According to post 424 of the BHM Introductions thread the OP here is in his forties, owns and lives in his own home and has been big all his life. He has no financial need to put up with toxic relatives and behavior. Emotionally its a disaster area. 

Given that, IMHO I would advise the following: tell your father "sorry dad - the same book that commands honor your father and mother commands parents not to provoke their children to wrath. When you can show me the respect I deserve I'll be happy to reciprocate - until then, bye!"

Once you've taken this stand, stick to it! Your dad needs to learn to respect boundaries or he forfeits the pleasure of your company.


----------



## LillyBBBW (Nov 30, 2008)

Don't go over there any more. This may seem kind of harsh but I tend to be very hard on myself when it comes to things like this. If I'm a glutton for punishment and keep entering in to abusive situations then I deserve whatever I get and have lost the right to complain. If the conversation goes too far past you getting up, grabbing your coat and telling him you don't have to listen to this shit and walking out the door the problem is no longer him. Establish some standards for yourself that says you will be treated with respect and no less is acceptable. He'll never respect you if you sit there and let him say these things to you and neither will anyone else, especially if you resort to violence. Don't tolerate this any longer. Form a plan B and the moment he opens his flytrap make it clear that his days of thunder are over. Be determined to be.


----------



## PrettyKitty (Nov 30, 2008)

Anyone with that much hatred for another is usually battling with their own self loathing feelings.
Just my opinion.

Oh, and sorry that your dad is a turd.


----------



## No-No-Badkitty (Nov 30, 2008)

I'd only give someone I thought highly of 5+ years of my life. He's not worth going to jail for. You know, family or not, I think I'd have to avoid any and all family functions that he's apart of. If your family stands by and allows this abuse you don't need them either and they are just as cruel.


----------



## Bountiful1966 (Nov 30, 2008)

xm41 said:


> Does anybody have to deal with a family member who needs their head slammed into a wall? My father is an extremely anti fat prejudice person. His comments are outright vile insults. He thinks fat people deserve no respect and should be subject to open ridicule.
> 
> Tonight at thanksgiving he said I was a fat disgusting pig and that I should give up looking for a job because nobody would ever hire me. Despite the fact that I didnt come near clearing my plate and ate less than anybody else at the table he said I made a total pig out of myself once more and embarrassed the family.
> 
> ...



disown the bastard and shut him out of your life, you deserve better and parents should accept their children no matter what. good luck


----------

