# Does your self confidence offend others?



## lozonloz (Sep 15, 2010)

OK, so I'm chatting with my stepmother.

We... well we arent the best of friends, for various reasons I wont get into here, but during this conversation I felt were were having a real connection, actually managing to have a discussion about things we were passionate about and sharing our opinions, telling funny stories. Unfortunately the next day my brother takes me aside and says that last night I offended her and could I avoid the topic in future.

What topic, I ask?

The fat acceptance thing. She didnt like you mentoning it, like its a slur on her size or something.

...We talked about many things, including people wearing fur and vegetarianism, racism, political parties ect and I had no idea I had offended her as I didnt mention her size at any point. I mentioned only MY personal feelings about fat acceptance as a movement. 

I have to admit that it irritated me as making self deprecating jokes about my size or talking about needing to lose some weight (not much though, I love being big!) has never got a negative reaction, so only talking about my weight in a positive, accepting light has made her feel so bad about herself she felt the need to ask my brother to keep me off the subject.

I also wondered if anyone else has had other large men or women react badly to their acceptance of themselves, and what they think the reason might be.

It seems a shame that by acting and behaving like the confident and outgoing person I have only recently learned to be, I can make others angry or upset.


----------



## BBW4Chattery (Sep 15, 2010)

Nah. I don't think so unless I've been too oblivious to notice. I have less self-confidence than my other big friends, though... they're so outgoing and out there. They make out with strangers and dress in super cute clothes and get cute hair cuts... 

I hide... a lot. 

I can say that when I did WW years ago and lost 90 lbs and referred to my former self as a "fat cow" it made a lot of overweight women upset... I wasn't allowed to talk about myself, at that size, in a negative way... b/c they saw that as a judgment on their size.


----------



## Mishty (Sep 15, 2010)

It's 50/50 with me, half the people I mean are totally into me being so openly Fat and confident, and half are put off by it. I live in a small town right smack dab in the middle of the bible belt Alabama, and it's normal to be fat here, we're surrounded by obese people, it's okay to be fat ..*if* *A) *you can't help it(older people it seems are just fat from being weary..or something? it's not there fault.  or some medical reason), *B)* regret and understand that it's not attractive but thank god someone might love you for your shining spirit(and you do have a pretty face)* C)* Hate it. Despise it, let everyone know it. (god, do people love giving diet tips down here "Oh sugar, ever heard of the grapefruit diet...?")

I like being fat, I enjoy it immensely, it's my pal. 
So when I go into places with that mind set ,and I seem to dress like a beacon of color most of the time, I get attention(not all bad, but not all good either), [looks stares,snickers etc] I don't get many actual remarks 'cause I think I look like more of a rough bitch than I am _now_, so I don't let it bother me. Now if I'm in a crowd of people I don't mind the shit water off a ducks back,eh? However if it's a smaller group I seem to just find the one asshole that things he/she can bring me down a notch. :blink: Doesn't work out that way really, 'cause they just end up lookin' like a douche, even if I don't take the bait, it's like. Really asshole? 

I get shit a lot lately because of my closeted Gay friends are all so god damn hot and perfect and still so Southern Manly Men :wubu: the bitches in town just don't get it, why I'm always there right in the middle of them and their perfection so I've gotten some pretty hateful shit said, and My Gays are now very happy to be thought of as chubby chasers, one even puts it on his facebook( wicked sense of humors  ). 

did I just veer of subject....


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Sep 15, 2010)

Always. I was too busy chasing boys and telling stories when the "girls should always express themselves in a non-threatening way" lesson was taught.


----------



## Tracyarts (Sep 16, 2010)

Yeah, but it has gone both ways. 

I have had people tell me I was in denial and could not possibly love myself because of my size. That my attitude towards life was either a result of being apathetic, delusional, or putting on a false front to hide my inner self-loathing. 

I have had people tell me I was really self-loathing and couldn't possibly actually love myself because I was cool with being fat, just not as fat as I was at that given point in time. Because it was an all or nothing thing with no middle ground when it came to "acceptance". 

IMHO, it's all bullshit, regardless of what side of the judgement coin you fall on. 

Tracy


----------



## superodalisque (Sep 18, 2010)

yes. i love my sister and we really have a great relationship now but she still just can't understand how i could like myself at this size. she has been small all of her life and is now getting just a few pounds over her usual and feels very uncomfortable. so sje just can't relate at all to how i feel. i've lost quite a bit lately and i told her i missed it. you should have seen the look n her face. i just let it go because i know in that sense she'll probably never understand who i am. i've finally decided that it doesn't make sense for me to even expect her to.

other women who are larger and feel horrible about it are not always comfortable with it when you like your size. its like its an indictment on their mindset when it isn't. its only that my size may be the right one for me. it doesn't have to mean it should be the right one for them. everyone is different.


----------



## Dmitra (Sep 19, 2010)

After years spent struggling with myself over being fat I've gotten to the point where if someone's offended by my being confident and refusing to participate in self-hatred and crazed diet mentality I'm thinking they can go fuck themselves. Instead of sitting back and listening uncritically to unwanted advice or anti-fat catechisms I've begun sharing relevant pieces of my journey to "I'm not perfect but I'm happy being me" land.


----------



## spiritangel (Sep 19, 2010)

someone must be considering the bitch slapping someone has been trying to give me on formspring

shrugs their problem not mine

I have always been a confident person size isnt going to change that


----------



## blubberismanly (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't offend people by my self confidence so much as a lack thereof.


----------



## CastingPearls (Sep 19, 2010)

I can't remember a time when someone (fat and thin) wasn't offended by my confidence. I've been told I'm too smart, too opinionated, too spirited and should keep my mouth shut and look pretty. I figured everyone was entitles to my opinion. Heh.

And for some reason people remember me as confident at times I know I wasn't. I've been called arrogant countless times too but that's usually what people call confidence in people they don't like anyway.


----------



## Surlysomething (Sep 19, 2010)

I've been called intimidating my entire adult life.

Sometimes it gets under my skin and I try to dial it down. Most of the time i'm just me and they can all live in fear. Haha.

:happy:


----------



## luscious_lulu (Sep 19, 2010)

I was going to say of course not, but then I thought about it some more.

A couple of years ago I had a big blow out with my eldest sister. She freaked out about a halloween costume that I wore. She berated me and tried to make me feel ashamed for wearing something that showed my belly. It was one of a series of things she did to try and undermine my confidence. 

Since then, I've had very little contact with her. I don't need that negativity and judgemental attitude in my life.


----------



## aocutiepi (Sep 19, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I can't remember a time when someone (fat and thin) wasn't offended by my confidence. I've been told I'm too smart, too opinionated, too spirited and should keep my mouth shut and look pretty. I figured everyone was entitles to my opinion. Heh.
> 
> And for some reason people remember me as confident at times I know I wasn't. I've been called arrogant countless times too but that's usually what people call confidence in people they don't like anyway.




This is the story of my life. It got to the point where I was proudly wearing a shirt that said "snob" on it because I figured I should just embrace the label--it took away it's power from the girl calling me one, immediately.

And now that I'm becoming more confident in my fatness as well as my other wonderful qualities  those shouts of arrogant come loud and clear from a different sect--former female friends of mine who are also fat. I don't think they can fully wrap their minds around me loving me as I am. Especially the ones who weigh less than I do. 

I'm sure that fat, thinner, and anywhere in between, I'm always going to be perceived as arrogant, snobbish, etc. I refuse to hang my head in shame for being who I am when who I am is pretty amazing.


----------



## CarlaSixx (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't consider myself a self confident person, but a lot of others have said that's how I come off. Quite a few guys have said it's been intimidating, and others have praised it. The only ones to really seem offended were family members. 

I guess I could be considered self confident because I have a strong stance about what I'm willing and not willing to do and look like, and I style myself completely the way I want to. No trends, no fashion mag looks, etc. And I guess people see a fat girl with a bright coloured mohawk, tattoos, and clothes that aren't "on trend" as being self confident.

It confuses me, but I'm not going to argue it. It hasn't been found to be offensive from my experience but more a reason for people to watch me go by with their jaws on the floor. By the end of the day, they're the ones who will remember me and be talking about me, and not the other way around. I guess that's all that really matters. So long as you're being talked about, you're doing something right


----------



## superodalisque (Sep 19, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I can't remember a time when someone (fat and thin) wasn't offended by my confidence. I've been told I'm too smart, too opinionated, too spirited and should keep my mouth shut and look pretty. I figured everyone was entitles to my opinion. Heh.
> 
> And for some reason people remember me as confident at times I know I wasn't. I've been called arrogant countless times too but that's usually what people call confidence in people they don't like anyway.



i have to agree with this a great deal. its always a big problem if women seem to like themselves. in most cases i think it doesn't seem to benefit many aspects of the current culture to have self aware self accepting independent and intelligent women about asking questions and making demands for changes and equality whether its among other women or men.


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Sep 25, 2010)

I'm an introvert [not shy] who's pretty secure in most areas of life, which has nothing to do with status in those areas.

I've found that a good number of people have said they're intimidated. I guess I don't see it, but I think it's more about their insecurities than anything. I plan to continue going forward with life. I spent plenty of time holding back because I was worried about making people feel badly when I had some success or blessings. Enough of that. And I'm sure some will say that, in and of itself, is snobby. Can't win.


----------



## CastingPearls (Sep 25, 2010)

aocutiepi said:


> This is the story of my life. It got to the point where I was proudly wearing a shirt that said "snob" on it because I figured I should just embrace the label--it took away it's power from the girl calling me one, immediately.
> 
> And now that I'm becoming more confident in my fatness as well as my other wonderful qualities  those shouts of arrogant come loud and clear from a different sect--former female friends of mine who are also fat. I don't think they can fully wrap their minds around me loving me as I am. Especially the ones who weigh less than I do.
> 
> I'm sure that fat, thinner, and anywhere in between, I'm always going to be perceived as arrogant, snobbish, etc. I refuse to hang my head in shame for being who I am when who I am is pretty amazing.





superodalisque said:


> i have to agree with this a great deal. its always a big problem if women seem to like themselves. in most cases i think it doesn't seem to benefit many aspects of the current culture to have self aware self accepting independent and intelligent women about asking questions and making demands for changes and equality whether its among other women or men.



My biggest critics have always been other women. Especially fat women. Meh.


----------



## Tau (Sep 25, 2010)

All the time. I embrace it now. I always think of that Jill Scott song - Hate on me haters  I've been called deluded, ugly, vain, elitest, spoilt brat, arrogant bitch and it always, without fail, comes from the people who hate themselves most.


----------



## CastingPearls (Sep 25, 2010)

Tau said:


> All the time. I embrace it now. I always think of that Jill Scott song - Hate on me haters  I've been called deluded, ugly, vain, elitest, spoilt brat, arrogant bitch and it always, without fail, comes from the people who hate themselves most.


I knew I liked, no...scratch that...LOVE you for a reason. Many reasons, in fact.


----------



## Fallenangel2904 (Sep 26, 2010)

Sent you a PM


----------



## Christov (Sep 26, 2010)

I offend everybody.


----------



## CastingPearls (Sep 26, 2010)

Christov said:


> I offend everybody.


No you don't, sweetie.


----------



## AmazingAmy (Sep 26, 2010)

My mum and oldest sister have issues with my attitude, but the reasons behind their 'concerns' are different. Mum takes it as me being uninformed about the dangers of being overweight, so gets upset when I appear 'not to care' about what she has to say; but my sister is just plain old offended by the confidence. She's overweight herself and can't deal with anyone being okay about it.


----------



## mossystate (Sep 26, 2010)

Christov said:


> I offend everybody.



HP shut down?


----------



## b0nnie (Oct 3, 2010)

I'm not sure if it offends, but I know it does confuse people. My family is all a little overweight and they are always going on about how they need to lose some pounds and they tell me that we should all diet together. They dont understand when I say that I know I probably should lose weight but dont wanna cuz I like me how I am and how my body is.


----------



## thatgirl08 (Oct 3, 2010)

I'm not sure if it really offends them as much as it pisses them off.. like how DARE she feel that way about herself. I'm not even in your face about it at all.. and I don't accept myself 100%.. there's a lot of things I hate about my body still.. and yet even the slightest bit of self confidence is interpreted as a slap in the face to everyone else.

I think it also puts up barriers between me & certain friends and me & my mom.. they're so used to bonding over self loathing and diet tips that they can't understand why I just don't want to anymore.. why I haven't wanted to for the last two years. Sometimes I indulge them just because I feel like I'm putting up a wall between us by refusing to talk about it.


----------



## AmazingAmy (Oct 3, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> ...they're so used to *bonding over self loathing* and diet tips that they can't understand why I just don't want to anymore...



That's pretty much the worst thing any woman can do for herself; and like you highlight, Thatgirl, it doesn't just affect them. They end up transferring their hatred of their own bodies onto other women. Nothing is good enough for them, and they'll be damn if anyone else should be in the least bit okay.

Because of that sort of attitude I'm confident behind closed doors (how contradictory does that sound?), but out in public or with friends and family I don't draw attention to how I view myself, whether that be secure or insecure. I just act like one of those people who hasn't noticed she's got a body.

At least it looks better than checking myself out in the reflections of shop windows every ten paces...


----------



## Tania (Oct 3, 2010)

LOL. I'm one of those incredibly vain, mirror-fixated girls, but I don't think it truly bothers anyone. My friends and family members would much rather deal with Bathsheba Everdene than the self-loathing alternative, even if they do feel that Bathsheba could stand to lose another 30 pounds or so (and I'm speaking mainly about my parents here). 

That said, I do believe there's a huge difference between needlessly potshotting healthy self-perception on one hand and getting annoyed by arrogant behavior on the other. It's cool to love yourself, but it's not cool to act like Mrs. Elton in _Emma_. This is why I reserve my unguarded and unfiltered moments of rapturous self-adoration for the people who enjoy it and understand how far I've come to be able to like myself this much.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 3, 2010)

Confidence to me is not just feeling confident in your looks, but confident in who you _are_: your personality, your psychological make-up, your thought process, your introversion or extroversion, how you choose to express yourself, your good parts and bad. Confidence is not being afraid to show others who you are in any circumstance, to be as authentic as you can at all times, but also knowing yourself well enough to let go when faced with constant negativity. For example, when my mother starts getting negative about my body, I excuse myself from the conversation and hang up the phone or leave her house. I have done the same thing with friends when they engage in that kind of negativity. Being around friends and family when they're spewing nothing but negativity does nothing for my self confidence. I prefer to surround myself with people who are supportive and don't flinch from discussing body politics.


----------



## AmazingAmy (Oct 3, 2010)

Tania said:


> LOL. I'm one of those incredibly vain, mirror-fixated girls, but I don't think it truly bothers anyone. My friends and family members would much rather deal with Bathsheba Everdene than the self-loathing alternative, even if they do feel that Bathsheba could stand to lose another 30 pounds or so (and I'm speaking mainly about my parents here).
> 
> That said, I do believe there's a huge difference between needlessly potshotting healthy self-perception on one hand and getting annoyed by arrogant behavior on the other. It's cool to love yourself, but it's not cool to act like Mrs. Elton in _Emma_. *This is why I reserve my unguarded and unfiltered moments of rapturous self-adoration for the people who enjoy it and understand how far I've come to be able to like myself this much*.



That's a good way of looking at things; it's what I meant about being confident behind closed doors - as in, for people like on Dims, or where it's respected/appreciated - but you put it much better!


----------



## AuntHen (Oct 7, 2010)

what's funny is the more insecure and self conscious I feel, the more I come across as confident and/or arrogant...

One time someone told me that I always seem confident and secure, and carried myself well... yet the times she was talking about, inside I was a wreck.

I try to portray the opposite of what I feel inside I guess... 

however, I can be very awkward in social situations... sighhhh... I suck at "small talk" for the most part and always worry how others perceive that awkwardness at that moment, which makes me even MORE awkward haha


----------



## Brenda (Oct 14, 2010)

I am a confident person in general and over the years I have put off quite a few people with that. It is not that I am all about how I look (I would change a number of things about my appearance) it is that I am confident in who I am, my looks are irrelevant in my determination of my value. I am highly opinionated, expect to be treated well and don't take a lot of shit. This I am sure has attributed to some people deciding I needed to be knocked down a peg or two but it usually has ended up with them wishing they shut there yaps.


----------



## AuntHen (Oct 14, 2010)

Brenda said:


> I am a confident person in general and over the years I have put off quite a few people with that. It is not that I am all about how I look (I would change a number of things about my appearance) it is that I am confident in who I am, my looks are irrelevant in my determination of my value. I am highly opinionated, expect to be treated well and don't take a lot of shit. This I am sure has attributed to some people deciding I needed to be knocked down a peg or two but it usually has ended up with them wishing they shut there yaps.





oh my gosh! you sound like a very good friend of mine, who I miss very much!


----------

