# Coming out to non-fat partners



## Broseph (Oct 14, 2019)

A fellow member‘s post prompted me to craft this threat.

As the title suggests—I’ve come out about being an FA while in a long-term relationship with a, shall we say, non-fat partner. She’s truly great in many ways—so it’s not as simple as ditching her for a 300 lb beauty. But, in my many years of trying to ignore my FA needs, I’ve learned that it’s not as simple as saying, The personality is all that matters, everything else is secondary. She is also not willing to gain, although she has put on a few pounds (5-10), which she sort of wants to lose now.

I suppose every situation/relationship is different and there is no one-size fits all solution, but what experience have you all had with coming out to a partner who is much smaller than you would like? How have you navigated this pretty difficult conversation/series of conversations? Any success stories?


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## extra_m13 (Oct 16, 2019)

i have most of us have lived through those situations and at least in my case it wasn't easy because as you cannot change the fact that you would like her to get bigger she will find truly difficult to accept herself ok with the idea of gaining weight by preference and feeling sexier while doing it, it is a long road but i do think there is a sweet middle if both parties compromise


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## landshark (Oct 17, 2019)

I’ve mentioned a few times I had a toxic girlfriend years ago. This was before I was out about liking bigger girls. At one point in our relationship she lamented that she had gained a little weight (she was 5’7 and about 130 pounds, somewhat fit/athletic) and I mentioned I was ok with it. I tried to shape it as an “I accept YOU” type narrative because I was still embarrassed that I liked fat girls. Instead she twisted it into a “you like fatties!” And teased me relentlessly about it after that. She made it a point to make fun of fat girls if she noticed them. It was awful. I’m so glad we split up. 

Haha not exactly a success story, but there it is. Oh, and a mutual friend of ours recently told me all these years later she still talks about me and makes fun of me for having a fat wife, when I could have been with her. Thing is, she’s the one who left me and I’ll gladly take my fat wife over her every single time!


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## FleurBleu (Oct 17, 2019)

extra_m13 said:


> i have most of us have lived through those situations and at least in my case it wasn't easy because as you cannot change the fact that you would like her to get bigger she will find truly difficult to accept herself ok with the idea of gaining weight by preference and feeling sexier while doing it, it is a long road but i do think there is a sweet middle if both parties compromise


How can you compromise if sex with your skinny partner is something you just can't excited about and turns into something to be gotten over with?


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## loopytheone (Oct 17, 2019)

FleurBleu said:


> How can you compromise if sex with your skinny partner is something you just can't excited about and turns into something to be gotten over with?



Well, asexual people often feel that way about sex but do it anyway because it is important to the people we love. Do you have any kinks etc? Because figuring out something else you can do in the bedroom that you would enjoy would probably help. As well as spending more time focusing on yourself and your pleasure than trying to get things over with as quickly as possible. Like, it might not be ideal but you can still physically enjoy the sensations he provides if he is a good lover.


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## FleurBleu (Oct 17, 2019)

That's why I always did it: because it was important to him. I can't picture myself doing that for the next decades, though. My therapist told me yesterday, as little as she likes to give direct advice, this is something I shouldn't force myself into as it comes close to self-inflicted rape. I found her words rather strong but the fact is that I have a history of giving sex because I thought it was due and not because I wanted it.

As for being a good lover: I'm afraid he isn't, or rather, we've never been compatible when it comes to making out. Quick kisses we exchange a lot but making out has never been our forte. We've tried but we don't fall into that easy synchrony I've known with other partners. As for sex itself: I'm afraid no man has ever made me come, no matter the position or technique. Meanwhile I know I'm not the only one and have accepted that my vibrator will reliably do the trick. 
Aside from that my husband is super loving, ultra patient and would to anything to give me pleasure. However, fat is what gives me pleasure. I wouldn't say I have kinks; I love love to grab fat and to feel it around me. Sometimes I like to bite 

Sorry - not feeling good about the chances of our marriage tonight.


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## Broseph (Oct 18, 2019)

Wanted to comment sooner but I'm just getting around to it now. Thanks for the responses. 

@happily_married --Thanks for sharing that. Fat wife over a fat-bashing skinny woman: absolutely 0 competition in my book! I might be reading into this former gf's psychology too much, but sounds like she might have been uncomfortable about her own image/weight and insulting you and others was a way for her to feel good about herself. Not proud of it, but I was like that when I was younger. Never bullied anyone to their face for being fat, but when with my friends. I didn't want to let on that I was an FA and thought insulting would cover my tracks. The classsic Bully doesn't accept himself thing. Anyway, sounds like a success to me--you avoided staying with someone who clearly wasn't right for you!

@FleurBleu -- "I have a history of giving sex because I thought it was due and not because I wanted it"

I've done this too. Again, before coming out I tried to please others and ignored my own needs. We all know where that story goes: needs simply cannot be ignored. That doesn't mean I have to dominate others or anything, but it is not psychologically sustainable to live a kind of ascetic existence.

I find the idea of compromising really nice, but I suppose I'm still learning what is realistic there.


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## JDavis (Oct 18, 2019)

I don't believe that people have any more control over their weight than they do their height, despite what the diet industry blares at you day and night. Maybe you can gain or lose 5% of your body weight in a given year and keep it on or off, but that is it. People do gain weight over time as they age through mid life, but then they lose it again. So coming out to a thin partner that you like stocky partners is kinda like coming out to a short partner that you like tall partners IMO. It might just end your relationship.

That said, my husband was very skinny when I met him at age 27 and he bulked up with weights and middle age from about 160 to about 225#. He hated being that fat and I kept telling him how handsome he looked at the higher weight. Now that we are split up he has lost a lot of weight and I have a fat boyfriend. My estranged husband makes fun of him, but I told him last week that I prefer my fat boyfriend to him on a body physical attraction level. He was a little taken aback. He came out as gay before we split up, so I told him it should be ok for me to tell him I am more attracted to larger men than him since he tells me he is more attracted to his new boy toys than me.


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## Broseph (Oct 25, 2019)

"coming out to a thin partner that you like stocky partners is kinda like coming out to a short partner that you like tall partners IMO. It might just end your relationship."

I take your point, although I think it's probably easier to gain weight than lose weight for many people. But I suppose it also depends on body type, etc. 

I was aware that it could end the relationship--part of what made it difficult. But I've known my girlfriend for almost 3 years now and we are very honest with each other. I knew she wouldn't end the relationship, but was worried she might be freaked out by it or fail to understand. 

Shame about your ex making fun of your current partner--seems to be a common story on this forum.


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