# Slut.



## Saoirse (Oct 25, 2011)

I hate that term- slut. I feel like its tossed around so easily. My bestie called me a slut a few weeks ago, when we were arguing about a guy I was hanging out with. He meant it too. I was so upset, made me cry. He apologized later on, but its still hurt.

Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut? 

I didnt date in high school. I was fat, shy and awkward. I hated my body, and I always covered up. I had a lot of good friends, mostly guys. I found it easier to be around guys, simply because I felt I wasn't competing with them. I could be my sailor--mouthed self and telling disgusting jokes. Conversations with my guy friends frequently revolved around sex, but were never in a sexual tone (if that makes sense).

I met my first (and only, really) boyfriend in the fall of 2004, at the community college we were both going to. He actually pursued me and I was shocked. No guy had EVER shown such interest in me before. It was certainly a nice feeling and because I loved being lusted over so so so much, I lost my virginity to him a week into our relationship. As the months went on, we became more intimate and experimental (helloooo anal!). We broke up after 2.5 years and I went years without any sexual contact. I fell back into being awkward and constantly covering myself up.

A few summers ago, something in me snapped and I started opening myself up more. I wore cuter clothes, showed off my arms and boobs, starting buying up skirts and shoes. I got many compliments and I loved it. Suddenly I was actually getting some attention from the opposite sex! 

I met a really sweet guy last year, through friends and we had amazing sex. I was totally in love with his body, and he was good at lovin up mine! I think this is what started me on a more sexual path. But thats all it was. Sex. I was heartbroken when he decided he didnt want to hang out anyway.

Since the beginning of this year, I've been sexually active with 5 guys. 3 of them, multiple times. Actually, one of them turned into a FWB for a while.

I like to think that Im just having fun. Im young, single and I like having sex. But perhaps Im not going about it the best way. My bestie called me a slut for having sex with a man I didnt know. He was just staying with some friends for a few weeks while he was passing through town. We met one night, while at that friend's house and the next day we went out... and I blew him. That was the start of a 2 week sexy relationship with a man twice my age. We did it in my Jeep, at my friend's house, in a cheap motel room, a parking lot... even at my town's park one night. Bestie was absolutely disgusted. 

The last guy I slept with (a week ago) was someone that I had been digging for months and months. I asked him out a few times, but it never happened... and I think I knew deep down that he was interested, but I sure as hell kept trying. I was so totally into him and not just lustfully. I wanted to get to know him and hang out!

He messaged me at midnight- *"You know, it's not too late. I have tomorrow off. You could get some sex."* I was completely confused. He never really showed interest, but now he wants me to come over and fuck? Was I just a bootycall or did he like me? I told him that I wasn't interested in just sex. He said if I didn't like him, I could have the bedroom all to my self, but I was definitely staying for the night. It took him an hour to convince me, but I gave in. I drove a half hour to in the middle of the night, the whole time trying to prepare myself. "Im not going to have sex with him. I want to just hang out and get to know him".

Well that didnt work at all. We hung out for maybe an hour (he played his guitar and my panties got wet) and then we were sitting on the couch fondling each other. It was awesome sex. Best I've had. But... I felt just like I did with all the other guys. He doesnt like me enough to date me, but at least he likes me enough to have sex with me.

Thats pretty fucked up, no? Why do I do this to myself? 

This took me roughly 2 hours to type up, sorry but my train of thought has been wandering...


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## aocutiepi (Oct 25, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> I hate that term- slut. I feel like its tossed around so easily. My bestie called me a slut a few weeks ago, when we were arguing about a guy I was hanging out with. He meant it too. I was so upset, made me cry. He apologized later on, but its still hurt.
> 
> Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut?
> 
> ...




My sister said the same thing to me when she found out about the year in my life after 21 when I got my first boyfriend and lost my viriginity after a week, then slept with several other guys in that same year. I just kept seeking something real and kept failing and knew it was wrong. 

I've pretty much cut myself off cold turkey from dating--I haven't even kissed a guy in over two years. I've attempted to date but when it finally moved to the "let's go on a date" I've backed away because I'm afraid I won't be smart, that I'll be a "slut" again, that he'll be just like the other guys who are more interested in sex than me. I wish these feelings would go away. 

I'm with you, so I can't really offer any help. Hopefully someone else on here can enlighten us both.


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## AnnMarie (Oct 25, 2011)

Not all of it, but a lot of it - sounds like what most of my friends and I have referred to as "fucking for hugs". It's validating to have someone show interest and want you, but each time it's over you know that something just isn't right about it, even though it's a great feeling and seems fine at the time. 

I don't think you're a slut (not that anyone's opinion on that matters but your own), you're making choices. I think maybe you're (just going by your words) looking for something you're not getting, and you're hoping that the sex is going to open the door to it - or maybe extend the possibility that it leads that way. 

Lessons more often than not show that's not the case, but that also doesn't mean you have to strap on the chastity belt and lock yourself away. 

You'll figure this out, a lot of it is just the great equalizer. A lot of it is more experience and knowing what you will and won't tolerate in your life. The fact that you're thinking it all over speaks volumes. 

Good luck!


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## Saoirse (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks for the reply anyway! I'm still trying to figure it all out in my head. Fucking sucks.


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## Saoirse (Oct 25, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> Not all of it, but a lot of it - sounds like what most of my friends and I have referred to as "fucking for hugs". It's validating to have someone show interest and want you, but each time it's over you know that something just isn't right about it, even though it's a great feeling and seems fine at the time.
> 
> I don't think you're a slut (not that anyone's opinion on that matters but your own), you're making choices. I think maybe you're (just going by your words) looking for something you're not getting, and you're hoping that the sex is going to open the door to it - or maybe extend the possibility that it leads that way.
> 
> ...



Thanks AM  I think I'm trying to be more of a free spirit that can do the no strings attached deal, but I'm not so sure its for me...


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## AnnMarie (Oct 25, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> Thanks AM  I think I'm trying to be more of a free spirit that can do the no strings attached deal, but I'm not so sure its for me...




I hear you. In my head I'm a wanton slut (in that "free spirit" way), but in reality I just don't give it up that easy (or frequently) and when I do it's because I really like the person in some way and I'm making a big choice to let them get close to me. It's taken time, but I know me well enough now. I can't do the one night stand thing and really be ok with it. I've done FWB and it's ok enough, but if I'm having sex with someone, I generally like them enough to be open to more. 

Hell, I'm a lot older than you and I'm still learning hard lessons about what to tolerate and not. It's tough to try to be open and easy about things, but still hold a line about being respected as a person or a friend, and being sort of a hard ass about being treated as you know you rightfully deserve (and as you likely treat others). 

And frankly, sometimes you look the other way over a bunch of bullshit because there's just something really nice about a warm body near you. I just have to remind myself that eventually the warm body isn't enough and the bullshit just makes you feel invisible and worthless - which is frankly much worse than I've ever felt just being on my own.


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## CarlaSixx (Oct 25, 2011)

I remember getting called a slut. It was pretty hurtful all because I didn't see it. Looking back, I still don't. 

The only reason I was called a slut was that I was interested in men much older than me, and going out with them, while still flirting with guys my age and hooked up with two. Because the guys I hooked up with told others what it was like with me, other guys chased me to hook up, which some tell me should be a compliment, but I felt like it was a game, so I never got with anyone else. 

But because of having all these guys suddenly, plus the older men which everyone thought was just for sex, I was labelled a slut. Some from those days still think I am, though I haven't had sex in almost 3 years and haven't had a relationship in just as long. 

It's definitely a loaded word. But if you don't feel it, I don't think you are. To be honest, when I see your posts about getting some, I feel some envy cuz I wish I was able to be free and comfortable enough with myself to let someone be intimate with me. I see you as pretty liberated, actually


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## Twilley (Oct 26, 2011)

Just going to give a head's up, this is going to turn pretty vulgar. I hope I don't offend anybody or get banned, but this is the only way I know to put this

Slut's such an ugly word, and that's the point of it I think. It's like (and forgive me for even typing these, but it's a contextual thing) using "dyke", or "******", it's a word used by people, usually having no real insight on the situation, an ugly word to make you feel ugly or ashamed for doing what you think feels right.

Fuck those people. Don't let them, or their stupid labels, make you feel ashamed. Your choices, and the consequences thereof, are yours and yours alone. Not your parents', or your sibling's, or even your best friend's. Yours.

Do what makes you happy. So long as you're being careful and responsible about it (using protection, birth control, etc.) don't let anyone talk you into feeling bad over it. 

Hope that wasn't too cliche'd or preachy.


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## penguin (Oct 26, 2011)

Casual sex can be a wonderful thing. You get your itch scratched and you can go on your way. If you feel badly about your sexual escapades, is it because you're not satisfied with the intimacy without the emotion, or is it because of how others view your adventures? If it's because they're judging you with their moral stick, then I say ignore their opinion. Sex is meant to be fun, after all. If you're not satisfied with having sex without the emotional connection, then it might be time to look at why you do it. For attention, affection, to be liked, something else? If it is one of those, then maybe putting a hold on things until you can sort yourself out could be a good idea. There's no harm with having a break from men for a while, and it can be good sometimes.

I was very happy with what I called my "slutting about" phase. It was after my relationship with my ex had ended and I was finally over him. I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted some fun. I had some casual relationships that were pretty much about sex only, had some one night stands, and it was fun. I was doing it because I wanted to. I didn't know if I liked those guys enough to have proper relationships with them when things started, so I was happy to see where things went. Turns out that I didn't like _them_ enough for more, and when it got to that point, things stopped. It was kind of a 'try before you buy' situation 

Is this the same bestie who has been extremely judgemental about the men you've dated in the past?


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## agouderia (Oct 26, 2011)

The problem with the term 'slut' imo is the double standard in judging sexual behavior it still stands for.

A woman who is not monogamous is quickly labeled as a slut - a man with the same number of sex partners is mostly not qualified at all.

For men there's the label 'womanizer' - which is not only much less derogatory, but is also reserved for a much higher level of promiscuity. 

Even today society still expects women to conform to a higher moral standard - and is less likely to concede that they have an equally strong sexual drive and desires. 

Do whatever you feel comfortable with for yourself: As long as you can look in the mirror every morning and feel you're doing the right thing for your physical and emotional well being, not harming others in the process - then go for it!


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## Melian (Oct 26, 2011)

penguin said:


> I was very happy with what I called my "slutting about" phase.



So was I, and so were a lot of my female friends. It seems that many women go through this sort of thing when they're in their early 20's, and it makes sense for several reasons. You're having some major hormone rearrangements; you're likely getting out of the parents' home for the first time and going to school/work; you've gotten away from the group of people (highschool, etc) who may have made you feel bad about yourself for years and meeting new people in their place; and you're also likely determining what it means to be a strong, independent woman at this time, which can include the power associated with sexual conquests. And now that I'm almost 30, the "slut" phase is definitely over...and I've become the opposite, negative type of woman: frigid. Just don't give a damn, haha.

Being called a "slut" for doing something that seems so natural is ridiculous, but of course, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Your friend sounds very judgmental, and I wonder what kind of sex he's having in his free time....


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## gogogal (Oct 26, 2011)

I use the term "slut" affectionately with my close girl friends (not in mixed company however as some people would just never understand). Personally the term has lost all its intended (negative) meaning for me. It's a new day and age.. I use it on any girl who loves to f*ck.. =) Whether it's with one man, multiple partners, or even just loves to do it solo. Yay yay hoorah thumbs up for sluts!


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## seavixen (Oct 26, 2011)

I don't like the term "slut" - and I don't consider what you have described "slutty" behaviour in the least. That said, it's not my or anyone else's place to decide. It's totally up to you and how you think of yourself.

There are no broad ways to categorize individuals and their sexual behaviour; everyone really _is_ different. What is most important is how *you* feel about *your* own choices.

It sounds like you are a little bit conflicted in how you feel about those choices. If you have any regrets, is it because your friend labeled you a slut and made you feel guilty? Or is it because you're settling for sex when you really want more? There's nothing wrong with casual sex; it's just a matter of determining whether you're really enjoying it or not.

Lots of people have casual sex and have no problem with the whole no-strings thing - and that is totally, 100% fine. Others can't do it; emotions get in the way, feelings get hurt, and so forth. I think most people go through phases, as was mentioned before, too - so what is key is understanding yourself and your needs *now*.

What bothers me is that you said something about men not liking you enough to date you, but at least liking you enough to have sex with you. If you're just enjoying the sex and you want nothing else from these men, then that's all well and good - but if you _are_, deep down, wanting more, then you need to take a long, hard look at both yourself and your decisions. Settling for something because you think it's all you can get is _not_ healthy, and you're worth more than that. I wouldn't call you promiscuous, but promiscuity can be a result of having low self esteem, looking for acceptance, craving affection in whatever way one can find... etc.

That said, it's very easy to start questioning yourself and over-analyzing everything when other people pass judgment on you. If no-strings sex is what you want/need right now, and you're not getting hurt, then that is *your* choice to make, and no one else's; there's nothing wrong with you, and it does not make you a slut. It all just comes down to knowing your own reasons for the choices you are making, and accepting yourself and those choices. If you can do that, then it doesn't matter what your friends, society, or random people on the internet think. 

Life is short, and there are no guarantees. We can't make our choices based on how others think we should live our lives.


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## Diana_Prince245 (Oct 26, 2011)

Your behavior sounds fairly normal for a young, single woman, but at the end of the day it's really all about how what your doing makes you feel. If you feel bad, not because of some comment your friend made, but for reasons that come strictly from inside, then it's probably not good behavior for you. But if that's not what's going on inside your head, well, nothing wrong with it then.

Least that's what I thought of it when I was your age and doing almost the same thing.


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## Saoirse (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks everyone! So much input to process! Dont know if my stoner mind can handle it 

I chatted with a girlfriend (one of the very few that I have) about all of it and she suggested that maybe I try to take a break from sex. Im gonna do it and see how I feel.

I do like casual sex. I know I can handle it because I've done it before. But when I meet a guy that I am truly interested in, my mind automatically tells me to do anything to make him happy, so he will see what a nice girl I am... and that usually leads to sex. And thats when I start to feel shitty and worthless.

But man, I really really really love sex. Im NOT a touchy-feely kinda person. I dont offer up hugs (but I dont turn them down) or back rubs or let someone put their arm around me... unless Im having sex with them. Sometimes I think my love of sex gets me into some predicaments. The bestie jokingly (?) said I dont know how to kick it with a guy without having sex with him. Sadly, its kinda true.


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## Gingembre (Oct 26, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> I do like casual sex. I know I can handle it because I've done it before. But when I meet a guy that I am truly interested in, my mind automatically tells me to do anything to make him happy, so he will see what a nice girl I am... and that usually leads to sex. And thats when I start to feel shitty and worthless.



I really relate to this. I used to sleep around for pretty much the same reasons. Now I have learned that I can handle casual sex, just for the physical enjoyment, as long as I'm not emotionally invested...if I really like guy, I make myself hold off coz I know I'll feel bad afterwards. Likewise if I start _like_ liking a FWB, I have to knock it on the head if they're not interested in anything more. It's not always easy, and I ended up having a lot less sex, but I feel a lot better about myself and when I do have casual sex, I enjoy it without getting that awful dirty hollow feeling afterwards. 

That was a bit of a brain dump...not sure how much sense it made! Hopefully you get the jist. It doesn't really apply to me at the moment anyway, as I'm in a LDR and even though I can sleep with someone else (no-strings attached) if I want to (and after 4 months I'm beginning to get an itch!), I'm not sure I could handle it. Think it'd make me miss the boy too much. I'll save that problem for another thread!


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## MissAshley (Oct 26, 2011)

Your sexuality is your business. As long as you are doing what you want to do and what you are comfortable with all while protecting yourself against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, then you really should tell anyone who feels the need to comment to piss off.


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## Deanna (Oct 27, 2011)

Here's my situation.

After ending a two year relationship I took time off from sex and dating in general.

This summer someone came waddling into my life, completely unexpected, and open that he was purely interested in a "special friendship". I thought I could handle it because I am after all insatiable, and it's been forever since I relaxed and enjoyed some casual sex. What I should have anticipated was starting to care for him as more than a fuck buddy, really liking him deep down, because I am an emotional girl who cannot so easily turn that side of me off, though I've had casual partners in the past that didn't have this effect on me. 

We don't have a typical Booty Call relationship either. We spend hours talking, laughing, and cuddling, before and after getting nasty, and he always wants me to stay over. I don't live in a fantasy world believing that having sex with someone will make him have romantic feelings for me. I also don't believe in holding in my carnal desires for someone. 

It's almost like we are a couple, but we aren't, and we likely will never be. No matter how much I can control him with my beckoning ass this will probably never be more than a very special friendship. Not for lack of chemistry, and not for lack of compatibility, but because we're both confused people with too many fears.

I am trying hard to turn off my emotions. 

My advice to you: If you can't turn off your emotions, and they get the best of you, run.


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## Surlysomething (Oct 27, 2011)

If you're outspoken about your actions in the bedroom (or wherever else you're getting it on) then you open the door for comments. If you keep your sex life to yourself then no one knows the difference, right? I never talk about my sex life and no one has an opinion on it. Maybe you share too much information?

And 'slut' is a pretty broad term anyways. Is Jenna Jameson a slut or just a shrewd business woman? Is a woman a slut who has sex once before marriage? I'm sure she is to some religious people. Do I think she is? Hell no.


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## Tau (Oct 27, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> Not all of it, but a lot of it - sounds like what most of my friends and I have referred to as "fucking for hugs". It's validating to have someone show interest and want you, but each time it's over you know that something just isn't right about it, even though it's a great feeling and seems fine at the time.
> 
> I don't think you're a slut (not that anyone's opinion on that matters but your own), you're making choices. I think maybe you're (just going by your words) looking for something you're not getting, and you're hoping that the sex is going to open the door to it - or maybe extend the possibility that it leads that way.
> 
> ...



I really like what AnnMarie said - the fucking for hugs - cos that's when I also realised that although I enjoyed the casual sexual encounters I had had i wanted more and I wasn't going to find it with those people - I was just satisfying a kind of touch hunger. Also you are not a slut. The way your friends are using it against you is as a weapon - fuck them - you are not a slut. There is nothing wrong with seeking and finding pleasure with a variety of partners - absolutely nothing wrong. What is wrong is if you're hurting because of it- if it isn't what you actually want. If this is you right now chica - do you! Enjoy your body, enjoy the sex and don't buy all the slut shaming bullshit that the world will try to shove at you.


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## jaserella (Oct 27, 2011)

Stop sleeping with guys that don't like you. 
Stop allowing yourself to be a booty call.


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## seavixen (Oct 28, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> But man, I really really really love sex. Im NOT a touchy-feely kinda person.



I'm the same way on both accounts. I actually find hugs weird and uncomfortable.


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## Deanna (Oct 28, 2011)

Tau said:


> There is nothing wrong with seeking and finding pleasure with a variety of partners - absolutely nothing wrong. What is wrong is if you're hurting because of it- if it isn't what you actually want. If this is you right now chica - do you! Enjoy your body, enjoy the sex and don't buy all the slut shaming bullshit that the world will try to shove at you.



This. :bow:


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## Forgotten_Futures (Oct 28, 2011)

The blunt title of this thread caught my eye, so now I have to chip in. = P

Casual sex is fine... so long as you understand it's casual sex, and are specifically looking for casual sex. And nothing more. While the reason we find sex so enjoyable is a side effect of a biological imperative to reproduce, there's really nothing wrong with doing it for little more than the pleasure high.

That said, be aware that there are people, such as your bestie, who will/do find such behavior deplorable, crude, "slutty", etc. I'm... I've had enough friends by now who are casual about sexual relationships that I've learned not to judge people for it. I accept it, and I even understand the motivation behind it. But I don't exactly like it, and I don't think I ever will.

At least, not until I find a way to reincarnate myself as a girl, but with the exact same experiences I've had to date. If I were a girl... I would most likely be a "slut" myself.

And now I'm going to go to bed, because I'm actually tired enough to have visual hallucinations! = P

ETA:


seavixen said:


> I'm the same way on both accounts. I actually find hugs weird and uncomfortable.



Huh. Me too. I hate casual human contact (including hugs with all but a very short list of people), but intimate touch is awesome!


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## sgageny (Oct 28, 2011)

I dont really think Slut applies to anyone. I also ( like previously mentioned)use it in a giggly fashion with friends because in my social circle the word Slut holds just as much power as the word floozy or slapper. They are archaic and almost ridiculous words. Used for banter and fun.

I've been called a slut before but I guess like a lot of things out there, it only really affects you if you give power to it. 

As most everyone has already wisely stated. You are definitely not a slut in anyones (i've ever met) books. 

If i was forced to define slut it would be someone with over a hundred different partners a month, not only would they be slightly sluttish,they would also deserve a high five for being awesome


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## Deanna (Oct 28, 2011)

sgageny said:


> I also ( like previously mentioned)use it in a giggly fashion with friends because in my social circle the word Slut holds just as much power as the word floozy or slapper. They are archaic and almost ridiculous words. Used for banter and fun.



Same here. I love to be called "slut" affectionately by a partner. It's a turn on. Which probably makes me a slut in the eyes of the straight-laced, but I don't care.


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## Vageta (Oct 28, 2011)

Have fun, be true to yourself, dont hurt yourself, or anyone else to get what you want and FUCK anyone who wants to make you feel bad becuase of it!! Life is TOO DAMN SHORT!!

My $.02


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## penguin (Oct 28, 2011)

Deanna said:


> Same here. I love to be called "slut" affectionately by a partner. It's a turn on. Which probably makes me a slut in the eyes of the straight-laced, but I don't care.



Oh god yes. To me, it's about embracing my sexuality and sexual needs and indulging in them. Said with love and affection, it's _hot_.


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## Deanna (Oct 28, 2011)

penguin said:


> Oh god yes. To me, it's about embracing my sexuality and sexual needs and indulging in them. Said with love and affection, it's _hot_.



As it should be. Most people are too rigid about sex. I used to be. If it's not "your thing" that's one thing, but disliking it because convention does, hell no, I like it more for that reason.


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## MissAshley (Oct 30, 2011)

Deanna said:


> As it should be. Most people are too rigid about sex. I used to be. If it's not "your thing" that's one thing, but disliking it because convention does, hell no, I like it more for that reason.



Yeah I have been trying to pull myself out of my own ass in the way that I used to expect everyone else to see sex as a special union between two loving partners because that is how my own sexuality is. Of course not everyone feels that way and they like casual sex with whoever they want. They don't feel the need to love or even like them, and that has bothered me in the past. I expected everyone else to be like me because I felt that is how sex was truly meant to be had, and not casually. I have been trying to learn to just get over it.


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## Saoirse (Oct 30, 2011)

I kinda feel like we are taught from a young age that sex is a special union between two lovers. Its in fairytales (maybe not SEX, but kissing and whatnot), its in movies, its in books....

I grew up thinking that one day I had to find my true love and give myself to him. That went right out the window when I had sex with my first boyfriend, as he was definitely not my true love and I still enjoyed it.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Oct 30, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> I kinda feel like we are taught from a young age that sex is a special union between two lovers. Its in fairytales (maybe not SEX, but kissing and whatnot), its in movies, its in books....
> 
> I grew up thinking that one day I had to find my true love and give myself to him. That went right out the window when I had sex with my first boyfriend, as he was definitely not my true love and I still enjoyed it.



Yep. From a young age we're taught a religion-centric fairytale viewpoint on sex. And some people do uphold it, even now. Others prefer their animal nature.


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## Jack Secret (Oct 30, 2011)

*I just realized this was in the BBW Forum but I thought I would still leave my two cents worth. Sorry for nosing in!*

Live it up, sister! Just be careful.

Just in case you haven't figured it out yet… Your bestie is probably in love with you.

Craig


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## agouderia (Oct 30, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> I kinda feel like *we* are taught from a young age that sex is a special union between two lovers.



The *we* in this context applies almost exclusively to us women/girls - boys aren't taught this! 
Apart from the abstinence preaching fringe - boys are taught: You're a man, you need sex, it's your most basic biological need, make sure you satisfy it, have fun ... oh and by the way, at least try to be half-way responsible about it! (The latter as a concession to modern times)


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## LillyBBBW (Oct 30, 2011)

A slut to me isn't really about sex at all. A slut is an inscrupulous person who will knowingly and even deliberately sleep with someone else's boyfriend, husband, etc. They'll lie, misrepresent themselves, etc. just to get into someone's pants. I know women who will do something like this simply to put down another woman just to make her feel like that woman is not woman enough to keep her own man and she's way better, etc. It sounds base and trashy because it is. Near everyone has known someone like that.

I get off on the whole special-union-between-two-lovers stuff. Without it sex is a waste of my time. I may as well be at the gynocologists office for crying out loud. I don't even want to bother. BUT, I would not know that about myself had I not experimented at one time and tried things out for myself. I don't see anything wrong with someone trying to figure themselves out or enjoying things in a way that I can't as long as they are upfront about their expectations and they're not hurting anybody. I envy people who can do that actually. It's just not for me.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 30, 2011)

LillyBBBW said:


> A slut to me isn't really about sex at all. A slut is an inscrupulous person who will knowingly and even deliberately sleep with someone else's boyfriend, husband, etc. They'll lie, misrepresent themselves, etc. just to get into someone's pants. I know women who will do something like this simply to put down another woman just to make her feel like that woman is not woman enough to keep her own man and she's way better, etc. It sounds base and trashy because it is. Near everyone has known someone like that.
> 
> I get off on the whole special-union-between-two-lovers stuff. Without it sex is a waste of my time. I may as well be at the gynocologists office for crying out loud. I don't even want to bother. BUT, I would not know that about myself had I not experimented at one time and tried things out for myself. I don't see anything wrong with someone trying to figure themselves out or enjoying things in a way that I can't as long as they are upfront about their expectations and they're not hurting anybody. I envy people who can do that actually. It's just not for me.


I would say I agree with everything in this post. 


PS--to the comment that her best friend may be in love with her, I think Saoirse has mentioned several times in the past that he's gay.


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## Tad (Oct 31, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> I kinda feel like we are taught from a young age that sex is a special union between two lovers. Its in fairytales (maybe not SEX, but kissing and whatnot), its in movies, its in books....
> 
> I grew up thinking that one day I had to find my true love and give myself to him. That went right out the window when I had sex with my first boyfriend, as he was definitely not my true love and I still enjoyed it.





agouderia said:


> The *we* in this context applies almost exclusively to us women/girls - boys aren't taught this!
> Apart from the abstinence preaching fringe - boys are taught: You're a man, you need sex, it's your most basic biological need, make sure you satisfy it, have fun ... oh and by the way, at least try to be half-way responsible about it! (The latter as a concession to modern times)



Experiences vary, but what I picked up was much closer to what Saoise said than what Agouderia said. Then again, I was always more influenced by books than by locker room talk, which could be a factor there?


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## olwen (Oct 31, 2011)

Saw this today and thought of this thread:

http://www.salon.com/2011/10/30/a_sex_guide_for_todays_girls/

I think slut is a word that should have as much power to shame as it does. And then how does one define it really? What makes a girl a slut? Showing too much skin? Having "too much" sex? Or as was mentioned earlier - sleeping with men who are taken? Bah. Why can't we be just women?


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## Forgotten_Futures (Oct 31, 2011)

Tad said:


> Experiences vary, but what I picked up was much closer to what Saoise said than what Agouderia said. Then again, I was always more influenced by books than by locker room talk, which could be a factor there?



Same.

The friendships I've made post-high school have been very counter to the sexual world view I was taught growing up.


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## Yakatori (Oct 31, 2011)

olwen said:


> "_slut is a word that should have as much power to shame as it does._"


I think that a big part of Nietzsche was trying to teach us is be "masters of our own morality;" that is, if something we do (or that which we're described as doing/being) either brings us shame or makes us happy and feeling good about ourselves, or if doing the opposite of that thing (whatever it is) makes us feel the opposite-way, then we should try to examine the point of whether or not our freely-expressed values and ideas match-up with that response. And if they don't, then a certain re-calibration is called-for. 



LillyBBBW said:


> "_A slut is an inscrupulous person who will knowingly and even deliberately sleep with someone else's boyfriend, husband, etc. They'll lie, misrepresent themselves, etc. just to get into someone's pants...to put down another woman just to make her feel like that woman is not woman enough to keep her own man and she's way better, etc. It sounds base and trashy because it is...*as long as they are upfront about their expectations and they're not hurting anybody.*_"


Well, even just concerning sexuality, there are a myriad of ways to betray someone else's scruples or ideals. No-doubt, as some posts here suggest, it's near-impossible to follow all of society's codes and aphorisms; as, taken together, they will tend to contradict one another. Even something as basic as the expectation of being forthright or "the camp-fire rule," carries with-it the task of unpacking exactly what that means for oneself and vis-a-vis a specific partner. Treated exactly the same way, one type of partner's thrill of a lifetime could well lead another to being irrevocably harmed or, really, anywhere on a range of ambivalence & butt-hurtedness.



Deanna said:


> "_...*open that he was purely interested in a "special friendship"*. I thought I could handle it because I am after all insatiable, and it's been forever since I relaxed and enjoyed some casual sex...starting to care for him as more than a fuck buddy, really liking him deep down, because *I am an emotional girl who cannot so easily turn that side of me off, though I've had casual partners in the past that didn't have this effect on me. *
> 
> *No matter how much I can control him *with my beckoning ass this will probably never be more than a very special friendship. Not for lack of chemistry, and not for lack of compatibility, but *because we're both confused people with too many fears...I am trying hard to turn off my emotions.*_"


On first reading, that's sort of heart-breaking. I mean, I get-it. Guys are going through-it too. From how it sounds, he's going through-it with you. But, on the other hand; it's sort of life-affirming. I mean, at least you can (both of you, hopefully) realize what's preventing it from escalating to the next level, and that's it's not, per se, any sort of short-coming on either of your part. It's just the way that it-is. And being that way, doesn't make it any less real or valid or meaningful or heartfelt or whatever. I think some of the problems stem from that, folks not allowing themselves to feel or fully appreciate things that somehow fail to match-up with the more idealized and romanticized forms of partnership.


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## olwen (Oct 31, 2011)

I meant to say that the word shouldn't have as much power as it does. 


As an aside, the only interesting thing about Nietzsche is teaching a three year old to say Nietzsche. All that nihilistic stuff is kinda boring.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Oct 31, 2011)

According to Wikipedia and the IPA string, it should be pronounced "Neetcha". I've always pronounced it as "Neetchee".

Either way, I'd rather just teach a 3-year old to say "Nee" = P


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## olwen (Oct 31, 2011)

Forgotten_Futures said:


> According to Wikipedia and the IPA string, it should be pronounced "Neetcha". I've always pronounced it as "Neetchee".
> 
> Either way, I'd rather just teach a 3-year old to say "Nee" = P



Yeah, I actually knew a guy who taught his kid to pronounce it that way. That's how I know it's supposed to be pronounced. LOL The student becomes the master.

....Maybe Yoda would have better advice on the state of being. Do or do not. There is no try.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 1, 2011)

Yakatori said:


> Well, even just concerning sexuality, there are a myriad of ways to betray someone else's scruples or ideals. No-doubt, as some posts here suggest, it's near-impossible to follow all of society's codes and aphorisms; as, taken together, they will tend to contradict one another. Even something as basic as the expectation of being forthright or "the camp-fire rule," carries with-it the task of unpacking exactly what that means for oneself and vis-a-vis a specific partner. Treated exactly the same way, one type of partner's thrill of a lifetime could well lead another to being irrevocably harmed or, really, anywhere on a range of ambivalence & butt-hurtedness.



I don't see anything ambiguous about misleading people. As soon as someone tries to soft-shoe around that issue it sends up an immediate red flag for me and tells me all I need to know. It's one thing if things don't work out and naturally misunderstandings can occur. Witholding information so that at a future date you can pull out the old, "Oh! I assumed you knew I was only in it to fuck you. Hey, it's the 80s/90s/etc., you should have figured, sorry," is too overdone to qualify under those terms. People like that know from the start that if their lover knew their true intentions s/he wouldn't bother with them at all so they simply choose to keep silent knowing the whole time that they are taking something from someone that would not otherwise be given. Sorry, I'm just not convinced of any 'oops' in a situation like that.


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## LifeTraveller (Nov 1, 2011)

LillyBBBW said:


> A slut to me isn't really about sex at all. A slut is an inscrupulous person who will knowingly and even deliberately sleep with someone else's boyfriend, husband, etc. They'll lie, misrepresent themselves, etc. just to get into someone's pants. I know women who will do something like this simply to put down another woman just to make her feel like that woman is not woman enough to keep her own man and she's way better, etc. It sounds base and trashy because it is. Near everyone has known someone like that.
> 
> I get off on the whole special-union-between-two-lovers stuff. Without it sex is a waste of my time. I may as well be at the gynocologists office for crying out loud. I don't even want to bother. BUT, I would not know that about myself had I not experimented at one time and tried things out for myself. I don't see anything wrong with someone trying to figure themselves out or enjoying things in a way that I can't as long as they are upfront about their expectations and they're not hurting anybody. I envy people who can do that actually. It's just not for me.



I think Lilly has pretty much expressed what I've always thought the term meant. . In fact although I'm old, I've only heard the term used in deference to someone once, and it was used in a comment about one of my late wife's co-workers. . a gay man cheating on his partner. .Hearing her say "He's being such a slut" was very difficult to fathom in the day. . But thanks LilyBBBW very well stated..


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## Aurora (Nov 1, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> Thanks everyone! So much input to process! Dont know if my stoner mind can handle it
> 
> I do like casual sex. I know I can handle it because I've done it before. But when I meet a guy that I am truly interested in, my mind automatically tells me to do anything to make him happy, so he will see what a nice girl I am... and that usually leads to sex. And thats when I start to feel shitty and worthless.
> 
> But man, I really really really love sex. Im NOT a touchy-feely kinda person. I dont offer up hugs (but I dont turn them down) or back rubs or let someone put their arm around me... unless Im having sex with them. Sometimes I think my love of sex gets me into some predicaments. The bestie jokingly (?) said I dont know how to kick it with a guy without having sex with him. Sadly, its kinda true.



Stoner minds unite.  But really I totally understand what you're saying here.

I'm making a guess here based entirely on my own experiences, but I'm thinking you probably have a lot of insecurities.

I didn't know I was insecure until the other day I was toking up and talking with a friend I have a huge crush on (and can now act on since I broke up with my boyfriend a couple months ago). He likes me for who I am. If it wasn't for long distance, we'd probably be dating. Yet... I still felt a strong desire to push my sexuality on him, if that makes sense. I couldn't believe he could like me for me, without me putting the goods on display. I flirt a lot. I try to get him riled up. I want him to talk to me the way other FAs do - tell me I'm fat and beautiful and how much he'd love to fuck me.

But he doesn't out and say things like that very often. I realized that if I'm not constantly hearing it, I don't believe it. I'm so insecure with myself that if I'm not being fawned over by a guy, I don't believe he could really be into me. 

But my friend is proof. You don't have to give yourself sexually to someone to get them interested. The guys truly worth being with long term are willing to wait - not to mention, the challenge of the pursuit, playing hard to get - that's what really generates interest. But it requires a lot of self confidence, and I didn't realize until my own situation here just how insecure I really was. I wonder if your situation is similar.


And before anyone jumps on me - I'm not saying casual sex is wrong. I think it could be great. I just think you should pursue it with confidence in yourself. Makes for a lot less emotional trauma.


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## Saoirse (Nov 1, 2011)

Aurora said:


> I realized that if I'm not constantly hearing it, I don't believe it. I'm so insecure with myself that if I'm not being fawned over by a guy, I don't believe he could really be into me.



THIS. thisthisthisthisthis!

helloooo lightbulb moment! i really need to smoke.


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## Aurora (Nov 1, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> THIS. thisthisthisthisthis!
> 
> helloooo lightbulb moment! i really need to smoke.



I know that's usually where my lightbulb moments come from lol. Either that or when I'm sitting on the pot or taking a shower. Good luck on your journey.


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## penguin (Nov 1, 2011)

Aurora said:


> I'm so insecure with myself that if I'm not being fawned over by a guy, I don't believe he could really be into me.



For me, it isn't about being insecure with myself, but knowing that the majority of guys out there aren't into fat women. It's always been the men who initiated and showed their interest in my relationships and experiences, because unless a man makes it obvious he's into me, I'm going to assume he's not.



> And before anyone jumps on me - I'm not saying casual sex is wrong. I think it could be great. I just think you should pursue it with confidence in yourself. Makes for a lot less emotional trauma.



Knowing why you're doing it and that you're not hoping it will be a stepping stone towards a relationship is important, I agree. Have sex because you want sex, not because you want to impress someone or hope it will make them fall in love with you. You can love yourself and indulge in no strings casual sex!


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## Aurora (Nov 1, 2011)

penguin said:


> ...unless a man makes it obvious he's into me, I'm going to assume he's not.



Doesn't that statement right there hint at a little insecurity though? And I'm only saying that because I'm the same way lol. For me, the other person has to make the first move. I've been too insecure and afraid of rejection to approach someone first, until recently. Not saying you're the same, but it's something to think about. I seriously thought I was a pretty confident person until I started looking at my behavior more closely lol.

And I've found out that there are a lot more guys out there who might not have a preference for fat women, but are still totally open to it. You might be surprised. Start as friends first, and who knows what might come of it.


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## AnnMarie (Nov 1, 2011)

Aurora said:


> Doesn't that statement right there hint at a little insecurity though? And I'm only saying that because I'm the same way lol. For me, the other person has to make the first move. I've been too insecure and afraid of rejection to approach someone first, until recently. Not saying you're the same, but it's something to think about. I seriously thought I was a pretty confident person until I started looking at my behavior more closely lol.
> 
> And I've found out that there are a lot more guys out there who might not have a preference for fat women, but are still totally open to it. You might be surprised. Start as friends first, and who knows what might come of it.



Interesting, but I do think you can be confident but still realize that statistically you're at a disadvantage. In other words, I can know that I'm confident and worthy of time and attention, but not believe that simply showing interest in a man is going to get that to happen. I can be confident and not be assertive. 

Different than the topic at hand, but possibly a distinction worth mentioning.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 1, 2011)

I don't know, if I'm supposed to weight my hands out beside me and go, "AH! He digs me," I feel as if that expectation is unreasonable. I think generally speaking if he hasn't told me, it's pretty safe to assume that I don't know. There's always the possibility that the person who's really friendly with you is simply a friendly person and the one who's standing 20 feet away and never even looks at you is digging you something fierce but can't muster the courage to look you in the eye. He talks to everybody in the room but you because he can't. There's no way of knowing.


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## olwen (Nov 1, 2011)

Aurora said:


> Doesn't that statement right there hint at a little insecurity though? And I'm only saying that because I'm the same way lol. For me, the other person has to make the first move. I've been too insecure and afraid of rejection to approach someone first, until recently. Not saying you're the same, but it's something to think about. I seriously thought I was a pretty confident person until I started looking at my behavior more closely lol.
> 
> And I've found out that there are a lot more guys out there who might not have a preference for fat women, but are still totally open to it. You might be surprised. Start as friends first, and who knows what might come of it.



My experiences are similar to Pengin. If the guy doesn't make the first move I assume he's not interested. And that's not from lack of confidence but from the experience of me making the first move. I used to do that a lot and got rejected a lot and learned that really, the type of guy I need would be able to make the first move and wouldn't be afraid to let me know he's interested, otherwise there is no point in me making the first move. And really, when guys are interested they have a difficult time hiding it. If I get a clear indication both from body language AND verbally then it's all good.


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## olwen (Nov 1, 2011)

AnnMarie said:


> Interesting, but I do think you can be confident but still realize that statistically you're at a disadvantage. In other words, I can know that I'm confident and worthy of time and attention, but not believe that simply showing interest in a man is going to get that to happen. I can be confident and not be assertive.
> 
> Different than the topic at hand, but possibly a distinction worth mentioning.



Totally agree.



LillyBBBW said:


> I don't know, if I'm supposed to weight my hands out beside me and go, "AH! He digs me," I feel as if that expectation is unreasonable. I think generally speaking if he hasn't told me, it's pretty safe to assume that I don't know. There's always the possibility that the person who's really friendly with you is simply a friendly person and the one who's standing 20 feet away and never even looks at you is digging you something fierce but can't muster the courage to look you in the eye. He talks to everybody in the room but you because he can't. There's no way of knowing.



I'm just always going to assume that a person who's being friendly is just being friendly and nothing more and the guy who's ignoring me completely is totally uninterested. Usually when that happens he's more interested in whatever skinny chick is around and he's trying to get in her pants. These types of guys will even step infront of me like I'm not even there to talk to the skinny chick I'm hanging out with. For me, a guy just has to make it absolutely clear he's interested in me or I'm going to assume he isn't. 

Just to keep it on topic, if I have to do a lot of work (i.e. sleeping with a guy to make him like me) he isn't worth the effort. If he's truly interested in me he'll be patient and make an effort to get to know me and move at my pace. If he can't even be bothered to make an effort to get to know me it's a total waste of time.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Nov 1, 2011)

Aurora said:


> You don't have to give yourself sexually to someone to get them interested.



Some guys (me, for instance) are actually put off by this kind of behavior. That degree of forwardness sends signals that imply the girl evidencing that behavior is not the kind who's going to be interested in a lasting relationship.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Nov 1, 2011)

Forgotten_Futures said:


> Some guys (me, for instance) are actually put off by this kind of behavior. That degree of forwardness sends signals that imply the girl evidencing that behavior is not the kind who's going to be interested in a lasting relationship.



I just thought of another way to say this which is funny enough that it merits posting: "The way to my heart is not through my genitals."


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## mszwebs (Nov 2, 2011)

I can't say that I have much of a problem with the word slut, as I've never actually had anyone use it negatively in regard to my actions.

To my face lol...or anywhere where it has gotten back to me.

There is a certain person who will refer to me as a slut, or as slutty, but that is because they reaped the benefits of said "slutty" actions. Knowing it is said because the person saying it enjoyed 'slutting' with me,so to speak, takes away any negative connotation.

And there is at least 1 female friend of mine that I've affectionately called a slut, and she me, when we were sharing dirt about sex... ownership of the word and the fact that we're not bogged down by other people's judgement of our sex lives.


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## lovelocs (Nov 2, 2011)

Forgotten_Futures said:


> Some guys (me, for instance) are actually put off by this kind of behavior. _That degree of forwardness sends signals that imply the girl evidencing that behavior is not the kind who's going to be interested in a lasting relationship._




How do you know what type of relationship someone is interested in based on a single behavior? One behavior may have many causes. Personally, I'm sexually "forward" because I'm forward in all things. I've never gotten anything by waiting for it to come to me (and believe me, I've waited). It took me a while to see that people actually ascribed all kinds of meaning to my actions, which were benignly untrue to downright malicious. I've toned back on my sexuality a great deal in the last decade, not because I worry about what people think, but because I wasn't achieving the desired results. 



I'm still not. Fuck it.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Nov 2, 2011)

lovelocs said:


> How do you know what type of relationship someone is interested in based on a single behavior? One behavior may have many causes. Personally, I'm sexually "forward" because I'm forward in all things. I've never gotten anything by waiting for it to come to me (and believe me, I've waited). It took me a while to see that people actually ascribed all kinds of meaning to my actions, which were benignly untrue to downright malicious. I've toned back on my sexuality a great deal in the last decade, not because I worry about what people think, but because I wasn't achieving the desired results.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm still not. Fuck it.



I didn't say forwardness/overforewardness was a forgone conclusion, only that it creates the impression of one. Most guys in my position don't go very far past the "this girl is only interested in sex, ergo not for me" page.


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## penguin (Nov 2, 2011)

Aurora said:


> Doesn't that statement right there hint at a little insecurity though?



Like AnnMarie said, it's about knowing that amongst the general population, men are more likely to be attracted to my sister than me. Amongst FAs, the opposite would be true. I refer to myself as being like stinky cheese - not for everyone, but those that love it, love it. 



> And I've found out that there are a lot more guys out there who might not have a preference for fat women, but are still totally open to it. You might be surprised. Start as friends first, and who knows what might come of it.



Oh, I know that. But I still won't expect a man to be interested unless he makes a move.



AnnMarie said:


> Interesting, but I do think you can be confident but still realize that statistically you're at a disadvantage. In other words, I can know that I'm confident and worthy of time and attention, but not believe that simply showing interest in a man is going to get that to happen. I can be confident and not be assertive.
> 
> Different than the topic at hand, but possibly a distinction worth mentioning.



Yes, all of this.


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## Aurora (Nov 2, 2011)

penguin said:


> Oh, I know that. But I still won't expect a man to be interested unless he makes a move.



I just realized something; I guess it depends on what you consider "a move." If I see a guy sorta shyly eyeing me once in a while from across a dance floor or a bar, I'm going to go say hi. In that scenario, I would say I made the first move, even if he showed a little interest first. I think there's a good chance I'd find a dance partner at least, maybe something more. 

And in this scenario if I waited it out to see if he'd make a first move? Well, maybe he's a shy guy and wouldn't get up his own courage to talk to me (big girls can be intimidating too!).


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## Tina (Nov 2, 2011)

First off, I'm tired of the word "slut" just like I'm tired of the words "bitch" and "cunt." They are both perjoratives whose genesis has to do with females, and they're bandied about way too often, IMO.

Beyond that, as soon as women are allowed to fuck around without societal blame or judgment like men are, we can discuss the word "slut" and how it should apply to men, too. Until then, I'd throw it off like water off a duck's back and live your life as you see fit. Everyone else can merrily fuck off.


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## Deanna (Nov 2, 2011)

This thread is pure therapy.


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## BigCutieAnya (Nov 3, 2011)

If you're not harming anyone, and you're playing it safe...I say fuck to your little hearts content! The notion of a woman being a 'slut' is so outmoded. 

The fact is, women like sex just as much as men AND thanks to our wonderful physiology we can have more of it. The only people in this world who would like us to think otherwise are jealous old men who can no longer take advantage of our lustiness and prude women who probably just need thrown into a sapphic orgy and made to understand.

Again, fuck all you want and don't you dare say sorry in the morning. (Or when you get out of the backseat, or the bathroom, or from behind the bushes!)


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 3, 2011)

This has been an interesting thread. One aspect that strikes me as a bit odd (and this is based on just an overall feeling, not one person's response in particular), is how some people seem so quick to tell the OP to just go f*ck the hell out of everyone she wants and not to feel guilty about it or have any regrets ever. How is cajoling her into this mentality different from cajoling her into the "sex should only be a beautiful union between two people who love each other and are committed to each other" mentality? They're both ideologies.

It just seems kind of hypocritical to tell someone to make their own choice and not let anyone tell them what to do, as long as they decide that your ideology is the right one.


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## bigmac (Nov 3, 2011)

BigCutieAnya said:


> ... The only people in this world who would like us to think otherwise are jealous old men who can no longer take advantage of our lustiness and prude women who probably just need thrown into a sapphic orgy and made to understand.
> 
> Again, fuck all you want and don't you dare say sorry in the morning. (Or when you get out of the backseat, or the bathroom, or from behind the bushes!)



Hey, don't diss us old guys -- some of us are taking "advantage" every chance we get.


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## Deanna (Nov 4, 2011)

bigmac said:


> Hey, don't diss us old guys -- some of us are taking "advantage" every chance we get.



That's what I like about old dudes!


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## BBWbonnie (Nov 4, 2011)

I don't believe in the term slut, we should be able to sleep with who we like without regrets. In the end if it was a mistake then we will learn no point worrying about it


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## MissAshley (Nov 4, 2011)

The only time I might feel like passing judgment on someone who sleeps with a lot of people is if they aren't using birth control or using protection against diseases. Unfortunately there are a lot of careless people spreading things around and having children they can't properly support, which certainly doesn't just affect that person.


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## Saoirse (Nov 6, 2011)

sadly, a lot of you should be judging me hardcore right now. ive done a lot of stupid, unsafe things over the past few months.


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## Yakatori (Nov 6, 2011)

Do you really believe that a community organized around the principle of "acceptance" is going-to, on the balance, put you in touch with "lots" of people who should be judging you. Or is it really Saoirse who's judging Saoirse?


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## Saoirse (Nov 6, 2011)

Yakatori said:


> Do you really believe that a community organized around the principle of "acceptance" is going-to, on the balance, put you in touch with "lots" of people who should be judging you. Or is it really Saoirse who's judging Saoirse?




Based on what people have said, Id say both.


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## LittleCthulhu (Nov 6, 2011)

I might be tardy to the party here but, what the hell, I'll throw my two cents in.

In my experience, the sort of people who use the word slut as an insult are often people who are pretty immature when it comes to things of a sexual nature. Slut is used to demonize women (though sometimes men!) who have the audacity to enjoy sex. I don't feel the need to be in a long term, committed relationship to have sex. I am safe, I don't hurt others and I make sure we are both on the same page. Why is that such a bad thing?
Is being a slut a bad thing? Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Some prefer to wait, others do it as often as they can. It's no one's business how people choose to enjoy sex and express themselves. You don't owe it to anyone to justify your dating and sexual history.


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## Deanna (Nov 6, 2011)

Yakatori said:


> Do you really believe that a community organized around the principle of "acceptance" is going-to, on the balance, put you in touch with "lots" of people who should be judging you. Or is it really Saoirse who's judging Saoirse?



I've judged myself too after weak moments. Sometimes that's what it takes to recognize I am worth more than the way I normally treat myself, to recognize that sleeping with someone will _not_ make him have romantic feelings for me (hard to reprogram myself from this), that while I have something awesome going on between my legs he can find it in any other chick as well, and that I need to be pickier about who gets to see that side of me.


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## Surlysomething (Nov 6, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> Based on what people have said, Id say both.



Meh. Keep it to yourself and no one will know the difference. Haha.


Just be safe. You don't want to get anything that keeps on giving for the rest of your life.


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## CastingPearls (Nov 6, 2011)

Saoirse said:


> sadly, a lot of you should be judging me hardcore right now. ive done a lot of stupid, unsafe things over the past few months.


I can't throw stones at anyone. Nor can anyone else. Just try to be careful from now on. Try.


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## Deven (Nov 6, 2011)

Sex is supposed to be between you, your faith, and your partner(s). As long as your safe about it (use protection, take precautions) if you enjoy it, it's how you feel. No one can judge you but yourself and your deity of choice.

That said, I was in a complicated relationship at the age of 14 with a man much older than me. My points of view, sexually, might be skewed to some.


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## gogogal (Nov 8, 2011)

I read this whole thread and its pretty amazing how many points of view there are on such a simple thing. And really I do think sexuality is so fundamentally simple.. yet so complicated by everything else. Yeah I maintain "slut" is a fun cute work reserved for my special friends

BTW, any of you sluts every read a book called "C*nt: A Declaration of Independence" written by inga muscio. the book is essentially about claiming the c-word as a positive term. I didn't actually read it, just heard about it a while ago. I like the concept just not interested enough to read a whole book about it


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## Saoirse (Nov 8, 2011)

gogogal said:


> BTW, any of you sluts every read a book called "C*nt: A Declaration of Independence" written by inga muscio. the book is essentially about claiming the c-word as a positive term. I didn't actually read it, just heard about it a while ago. I like the concept just not interested enough to read a whole book about it



I actually did! But it was a while ago and I dont remember most of it. My friend was so empowered by it that she insisted I take it and read it. But that was a few years ago. :doh:


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## olwen (Nov 8, 2011)

I have that book somewhere but never read it.


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## LittleCthulhu (Nov 8, 2011)

gogogal said:


> I read this whole thread and its pretty amazing how many points of view there are on such a simple thing. And really I do think sexuality is so fundamentally simple.. yet so complicated by everything else. Yeah I maintain "slut" is a fun cute work reserved for my special friends
> 
> BTW, any of you sluts every read a book called "C*nt: A Declaration of Independence" written by inga muscio. the book is essentially about claiming the c-word as a positive term. I didn't actually read it, just heard about it a while ago. I like the concept just not interested enough to read a whole book about it




You guys should come to England. I often use it as term of endearment or greeting


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## Deanna (Nov 9, 2011)

LittleCthulhu said:


> You guys should come to England. I often use it as term of endearment or greeting



Everything is more awesome in England :wubu:


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## ChubbyPuppy (Dec 1, 2011)

"Slut" is just a word, and just like "fat" it only has as much power as you give it. Embrace it, and it can't hurt you. 

This is not to say that a lifestyle of casual sex is for everybody. Sex is a complicated thing and what works for some may be terrible for others. You have to find what makes you feel good about yourself and go with it. If that means fooling around with your guy friends or random hotties you meet, more power to you! If that means a monogamous relationship, that's great too! 

I don't think it's anyone's place to judge another person's sexual behavior (unless it directly involves them.) Slut-shaming is a bad thing y'all. It just reinforces the idea that women are supposed to fit in with whatever version of morality is currently popular while men get a free pass. There's plenty of that attitude in the media without us using it against each other!

I should add as a clarification- cheating and deception, as well as unsafe sex practices do not fall under my definition of "slutty" behavior, I'd just consider that being a nasty individual.


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## Marlayna (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't consider the OP a slut at all. She's just someone racking up different experiences, making up for lost time, and being a little loosey-goosey.
When it stops being fun, it's time to become very selective, for your own self-esteem.

To me, a girl is a nasty slut if she goes after a guy who has a girlfriend, just because she can. She doesn't even really like the guy, she just does it because she's a "slut", and that's what sluts do. They mess with people's lives for the fun of it. Home-wreckers are sluts.


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## bonified (Dec 1, 2011)

LittleCthulhu said:


> You guys should come to England. I often use it as term of endearment or greeting



Same as here, slut cunt mole etc. All said without malice are just words.


View attachment actinglikeslut.jpeg


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## Surlysomething (Dec 1, 2011)

bonified said:


> Same as here, slut cunt mole etc. All said without malice are just words.
> 
> 
> View attachment 99097


 

LOVE IT! :bow:


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## NurseVicki (Dec 1, 2011)

Your still A Little low on self esteem and sex makes you feel good, but finding a guy who wants more then just sex is well worth it! You are getting a reputation of being easy ! Girl take a long look at your self, you have to learn that you are special not just a BOOTY Call ! We all want LOVE and some of us fall for the sex instead trap! Make some real friends and be a friend to your self First! Them Guys are users and they get off on using girls with low self esteem! I have been there myself when younger, but you need to take better care of YOU! LOVE Your self FIRST and make it a rule to not got to bed with a guy until you been on at east 3 pubic dates! So no middle of the sex gigs, for you any more ! Be strong Sweetie Be strong! Hugs From Texas 




Saoirse said:


> I hate that term- slut. I feel like its tossed around so easily. My bestie called me a slut a few weeks ago, when we were arguing about a guy I was hanging out with. He meant it too. I was so upset, made me cry. He apologized later on, but its still hurt.
> 
> Then I began to look at my behavior. Was I really a slut?
> 
> ...


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## metabliss (Jan 8, 2012)

Lots of great answers here

Saoirse, Your bestie was out of line. I see two reasons for his judgement of you: 1. In the midst of your arguement he really wanted to knock you down a peg. His judgement of your sex life is probably a deep seated belief that women should not sleep around and there is no such thing as being sexually liberated. 2. He secretly likes you. I could be wrong, I have no clue if he is gay or already attached to someone. But if not, why the hell does he care who you hang out with? Or who you pork? Sounds fishy to me. Anyway, I hope you called your friend out on it and told him that he had no right to hurt your feelings by judging your sex life. 

Either way, do what makes you happy. I have learned that sleeping with someone before you are in a relationship hardly leads to one. And too many times have I also slept with someone who rejected a relationship with me, but wanted to sleep with me anyway. Trust me when I say that you will never not feel used after doing so. It's hard to stay single and abstain from sex unless it's meaningful, but it's worth the wait Good luck honey!


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## Waxwing (Jan 9, 2012)

Saoirse, 

I haven't read all the pages of this thread. But my immediate reaction is that your friend shamed you, and that you're reacting to her negative views of sex. Sex with some emotional connection is OK. But what's also OK is getting laid without thought to emotional depth or future relationship. if you engaged in these behaviors and YOU felt ok (not your friend made you feel like they were wrong), then who cares? 

Sex can be emotional. Sex can be totally visceral, unemotional, temporal, and meaningless. Neither road is better, but you have to pick the one with which you're most comfortable. 

There is no innate difference in men and women with this. And no matter how many times people argue otherwise, that's how I feel. We're all sexual, physical animals. And the decision whether or not we make that also emotional is totally individual. Neither is right, you know? Just do what makes you happy. If deep emotional commitment makes you happy, do that. If never calling the guy again makes you happy, do that.


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## Gingembre (Jan 10, 2012)

Saoirse said:


> ive done a lot of stupid, unsafe things over the past few months.



So have I, so I won't judge you for it. I used to behave like you've described. Eventually the feeling of empowerment wained and I got tired of feeling used/disappointed/ashamed and putting my health at risk. Now I play safe (especially since working with an HIV project, and since I had to have a termination which, ironically, happened when i WAS playing safe) and am happier. I still get horny, obviously, but I have a couple of trusted FWBs for that...guys that would remain friends were the "WB" to be withdrawn from either side, but guys who i definitely wouldnt want to be in a relationship with. My situation woouldnt work for everyone, but it works for me. I think you'll work out what's best for you in time and change your behaviour accordingly (if you decide that "best" is better than how you're acting now)...maybe you'll have a few regrets but, tbh, who doesn't?! (I don't just mean regarding sex).


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