# Fat love / Fat hate



## Fleur (Nov 23, 2016)

Hello I'm a big beautiful woman and my boyfriend is a fat admirer...
But, in his family they were always obsessed with fitness (even him!!)
her mother hates fat people (of course this makes me a little upset sometimes since I'm fat!)
You think there is a correlation when a mother says bad things about fat women and then his child is turned on by them? 

Also, now that he gained some weight (because I cook very well and I really like his new pudge :smitten:-- she is telling him to lose weight! and do again different sports!)
What can I do? Smile and think "we're happy I don't care about her!"
His brother have a personal scale to control his weight in his bedroom. 
Also my boyfriend was a lot more sportive (before meeting me, but he always liked fat girls and her mother always said something about their hips...belly...etc. She sometimes also says nasty things about fat strangers! Sometimes is even funny because teasing turn me on! )
I gained weight since we're together (also, WE gained weight!:wubu and she isn't happy about this, I personally don't care, but sometimes I see my boyfriend a bit under pressure about this) tell me if someone had the same experience.

Have a good day!
:kiss2:


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## Tad (Nov 23, 2016)

1) Welcome to Dimensions!

2) Warning, wall of words coming up next!

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I would suggest that this falls more broadly into My mother-in-law* doesnt approve of me or my influence on my partner. In your specific case it is about fat, but you can find all sorts of cases where the same general thing applies, but replacing fat with politics, partying, tatoos, vegetarianism, etc. To some extent it is also a bit like when parents dont approve of their child marrying outside of their religion, race, social class, region, etc. Basically you are not the type she expected her son to marry, marrying you shows that he doesnt share all of her values and prejudices, and the evidence is that over time he is coming to care even less.

I know she is not your mother-in-law yet, but it is the class of problem that many people have

Obviously such is life and she should just ask herself if her son is happy with you and you with him, and then be happy for you both  but it can be very hard to let go what we want for our kids, and for some parents it is hard to simply accept that they have lost their influence over their child now.

There is probably little that you can do about her feelings about fat, but you can try to emphasize your other wonderful attributes, and she may come to accept you more even if she remains an anti-fat bigot. For example, one of the most wonderful traits a childs partner can have, for many parents, is making the child pay attention to his/her parents. In other words, make sure that you two send them cards for every occasion when a card is remotely appropriate, go visit, phone them, ask about their lives. 

Basically, if you can help her feel that she is gaining a daughter and not losing a son, then you are a long way to making things more peaceful. But also dont be shy about talking about anything else you are doing that she may approve of, come up with very thoughtful gifts for them, and generally redefining the conversation around what she might see as your strengths rather than what she would see as your weaknesses.

Now, your partner might be able to do a bit. He can be blunter to her (then you get to be the nice one!) He can say If you want to see me, you will see both of us. If you want to see us, show it by being polite when we are here. I love her and will not listen to anyone insult her.

All of the above is heavily influenced by my own experiences. My wife and I went through some of this ourselves, with a mix of issues about fat and socio-economic group (i.e. white collar parents vs blue collar parents). It took me longer than it should have to be firm with them, but I just didnt understand at first that I needed to do so, I thought they should just be happy for me. 

Things only really got good with my parents after my wife lived with them for a few months while on a work placement. They really got to know her better (before then wed lived a six hour drive away, so they only saw her for occasional brief visits). And since she is a fantastic person, with months of getting to know her they got to see past the size of her butt to the size of heart and past the roundness of her belly to the sharpness of her mind. 

After that I got in trouble if they thought I wasnt treating her well enough! (Im sure they would like both of us to lose weight, still, but they never say anything about it)


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## landshark (Nov 23, 2016)

Welcome, OP. 

I'm fit and have a fat wife and love it. I get mixed reactions out of people: everything from disapproval (why would a fit guy enjoy being married to a woman who weighs twice as much as he does?) to having people be supportive (you like what you like and should pursue what you want) to even having fit women hint to me they'd like to experiment with my wife. 

People cover the whole spectrum and while some are downright nasty, a lot out there are awesome too. It's too bad it's family members who are giving your boyfriend a tough time because that makes it a little more challenging. But you get through those kinds of challenges together. 

Best of luck to you and welcome to Dims!


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## Fleur (Nov 24, 2016)

Hi guys! Thanks for your welcome! 
Happily married I have seen in your profile that you love mouintans dogs...I love them! Dogs are ones of my biggest passions! I am waiting for my Australian Sheperd puppy and can't wait! :smitten:
Mouintans dog are so cute and they're like kind giants with a golden heart.

Btw, thanks for your advices! The relationship with one of his brothers is a lot better, we talked a lot about cakes and recipes, he also asked me to help him cook or suggest him cook tricks and said that my fiance is very lucky to have me, I am very happy about it, but I think now my "mother in law" as Tad said (in Italian we say suocera) is even more jealous.

I keep being sunny and kind with everyone of his family (Also his cousin have sent me some pictures of their dogs, since he knows I love them). 
The only one who is always angry is his mother, but she has some problems with his husband (who also is fat, and she always make fun of him - but not in a good way - also in a depressing, demoralizing way)
Also, Tad when she had her birthday last month I bought and wrote on a very beautiful card for her, but this seems not important. ( I also made different presents for the last christmas, easter etc. and never had a gift -except from my partner of course-).
Furthermore, I have discovered that she was always antagonistic with the ex-girlfriends of my fiance: fat, curvy, she always said to him "her is gonna leave you". 
I really love him, is a very special person and I'm very sad when she insult him or when she insult her dad too. (I like talking with his dad about everything)
He also said that she should just be happy for him, because he has never been so happy in a relationship in all his life. (is also the first time he can be open about his fa tendencies and not hide them)


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## fuelingfire (Nov 24, 2016)

You might have meant me in regard to the Bernese. Though I have a lot in common with happily_married. happily_married if you do have 2 mountain dogs, that would just be eerie. 

I come from an athletic family. My mom is obsessed with thinness, to the point I think it might border on anorexia. I do believe that is unrelated to me being a FA though. After she saw my first chubby girlfriend (a long time ago) she said to me she didn’t want a fat daughter-in-law. Since then my partners size doesn’t seem to get any notice.

Every once in a while a thread on Dimensions pops up asking a question about this. Here is one of them.
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119784

Most people say no. But we will never know what creates a FA. Some people think its genetic. Some people think it’s a specific event. For me, I believe it was an event. I am reposting my story.
It was a specific event for me. When I was 5 years old and still in daycare before kindergarten even. Someone explained to me what fat is, what it looks like in food, on a person, that it is bad for everyone, and thin people look better. Fat was bad. 

One of the caretakers at my daycare was a young attractive BBW with very wide hips. It was the 80s so she wore spandex every day. I think I was her favorite kid there because she always seemed to give me lots of attention compared to other kids there. Being 5 years old, I had no social filter and just learning what fat is means I had to point it out. I told her she was fat and she should not be, a few times in a row. She started arguing that she was not fat, and started crying. I saw how much it hurt her saying it. It was also one of my first memories of what I say really effects someone. 

And something in my mind snapped. She was fat, but rather than being “bad”, I really liked her. The switch flipped, fat girls are good. Not only was she good, she was attractive. So fat girls are attractive. I noticed she was a bit distant with me after that, so I realized I needed to be nice to fat girls. To me, it was the most obvious life-changing event I have experienced. 

Within a few days of that, I was by some guys gawking at a women walking by with large breasts. They made comments to each other about how huge her tits were (she was thin). I noticed that thin girls usually did not have big breasts. Fat girls on the other hand much more often had big breasts. This reconfirmed what I had just learned, fat girls are attractive.


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## Blockierer (Nov 24, 2016)

BigCutieFleur said:


> You think there is a correlation when a mother says bad things about fat women and then his child is turned on by them?


I don't think there is a correlation. I'm one of these fit guys who are into fat women. I'm married to a 185 kg (400lbs) women and my mother has always accepted my wife.


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## Tad (Nov 24, 2016)

Nothing scientific about it, but in various threads that have tried to associate being an FA with parents being one way or another, there was no consistent resultants. There are FA with parents who are fat and who are thin, and who hate fat or don't care about it and even some cases of second generation FA. And some people have liked fat from a very young age, others only came to it after puberty or further into adulthood, so it seems that there are probably many ways to become an FA.

In other words, from what I've seen nobody has really come up with a solid explanation for why some people are FA.


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## FreeThinker (Nov 24, 2016)

Tad said:


> Nothing scientific about it, but in various threads that have tried to associate being an FA with parents being one way or another, there was no consistent resultants. There are FA with parents who are fat and who are thin, and who hate fat or don't care about it and even some cases of second generation FA. And some people have liked fat from a very young age, others only came to it after puberty or further into adulthood, so it seems that there are probably many ways to become an FA.
> 
> In other words, from what I've seen nobody has really come up with a solid explanation for why some people are FA.



As is evinced by his (the Original Poster's husband's) brother apparently not being an FA (or mine, for that matter). 

Although it seems to be an immutable 'hard-wired' preference, it seems to be linked neither to genetics nor to environment. 

Personally, I can recall no moment when I 'switched' to liking fat women. As a child, before being attracted to any type of body, I don't remember finding fat people more or less interesting to look at than thin ones, but when I started finding women attractive, it was generally those with greater carriage. 

So, again, I've been of no help at all. 



Also, welcome to Dimensions, Fleur.


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## socrates74 (Nov 24, 2016)

Attraction is attraction. Opposites can attract. Couples tend to adopt the habits of their partner. I see two major issues.
1.Compatababilty time bomb of toxic in-law (mother-in-law). If he is willing to set boundaries with his mother related to you, then you will be alright. For the relationship. It can not be ignored.
2. Are you alright if he is into fitness, and you are not? (Personally, I have been filter than woman I have dated. The relationship allowed the other person to have their own life in that regard).


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## Fleur (Nov 24, 2016)

fuelingfire said:


> You might have meant me in regard to the Bernese. Though I have a lot in common with happily_married. happily_married if you do have 2 mountain dogs, that would just be eerie.








BigCutieFleur said:


> Bernese :smitten:
> 
> 
> Thanks all for your welcome.
> ...


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## landshark (Nov 25, 2016)

fuelingfire said:


> You might have meant me in regard to the Bernese. Though I have a lot in common with happily_married. happily_married if you do have 2 mountain dogs, that would just be eerie.



Haha, no but I have a Leonberger which, if I'm not mistaken, includes Bernese in its breeding background!


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## extra_m13 (Dec 5, 2016)

i dont really know if there is any relation but i happen to be in that very same spot. my mom is really selfconcious about body issues, like weight gain. and since my childhood she always told me oh no she is fat and that and of course i got attracted by the very body types that my mom critices.

at the beginning it was a bit of a struggle but she came to accept it once she noticed that there was a very clear trend, chubby woman are just the best. period.

as for the couple, just have fun, the pounds will come and enjoy those as well ! talk about it but not let it be the center of the relationship i think


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## Fleur (Dec 14, 2016)

extra_m13 said:


> i dont really know if there is any relation but i happen to be in that very same spot. my mom is really selfconcious about body issues, like weight gain. and since my childhood she always told me oh no she is fat and that and of course i got attracted by the very body types that my mom critices.
> 
> at the beginning it was a bit of a struggle but she came to accept it once she noticed that there was a very clear trend, chubby woman are just the best. period.
> 
> as for the couple, just have fun, the pounds will come and enjoy those as well ! talk about it but not let it be the center of the relationship i think



Yes, of course the pounds are not the center of the relationship! (if you talk about a subject for like 24 hours it became boring - fetish are included-)
I was just curious about a correlation between "mums who hate fat" and "their son who loves it" I had other relationship before and always the mum hated chubs on their bodies:doh:, on the sons bodies:doh:, on the girlfriends of the sons bodies:doh:, on people in general:doh: so I thought "I'm so lucky" in a sarcastic way :doh:


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## Fleur (Jan 20, 2017)

It seems that they accepted me exactly as I am and I am so happy!!
Thanks all for your comments and support! :wubu:


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## Tad (Jan 20, 2017)

BigCutieFleur said:


> It seems that they accepted me exactly as I am and I am so happy!!
> Thanks all for your comments and support! :wubu:



Fantastic! It is amazing what getting to know someone as a person, instead of a category, can do to change minds


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## Fleur (Jan 20, 2017)

Tad said:


> Fantastic! It is amazing what getting to know someone as a person, instead of a category, can do to change minds



yes, indeed I'm very lucky and happy. :smitten:


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