# Are BHMs and BBWs usually FAs themselves?



## Nordicfat (Feb 27, 2014)

Hello!

I wonder if you can give me an answer, I have noticed this probably not so weird coincidence. 

I personally know a guy you would call BHM and he can only get attracted to BBWs and SSBBWs. Also, I believe not all people who date a large person are FA's but a female friend to me who is also a BBW was dating online on a dating site for FA's and large persons, there almost all guys who wrote to her were BHM's.

On this page too, many BHM-lovers seems to be BBWs. But I could have got it all wrong. If so, tell me.

So could it be possible, that many BBW's and BHM's are FA's themselves?

Regards


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## Blackjack (Feb 27, 2014)

Nordicfat said:


> But I could have got it all wrong. If so, tell me.



You do. The body type you have has no bearing on the body type you're attracted to.


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## Nordicfat (Feb 27, 2014)

Blackjack said:


> You do. The body type you have has no bearing on the body type you're attracted to.



Yeah, I guess you are right. 

Maybe it is like this, when you accept and love a large partner. You don't feel the same pressure by society and the fat hating culture to be slim.


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## bigmac (Feb 27, 2014)

Actually I believe you're wrong about this. Its been my experience that the majority of BBWs are not attracted to big guys.


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## tonynyc (Feb 27, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Actually I believe you're wrong about this. Its been my experience that the majority of BBWs are not attracted to big guys.



Now not taking into account personality or other issues.(that play a key) ...

I think you made a point in another thread that there are exceptions for certain BHMs.... 

1. Being tall (at least average height for male and above) 
2. BHM that fit the athletic type mode:
weight lifter (Bodybuilder/ strength athlete/Powerlifter or Olympic Lifter)

*
At the end of the day... BBW or BHM like what they like regardless of body type....
*


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## HereticFA (Feb 27, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Actually I believe you're wrong about this. Its been my experience that the majority of BBWs are not attracted to big guys.



Sadly true. Many will consider a husky build, but not a BHM much over a BMI of 40.


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## loopytheone (Feb 27, 2014)

Well I am a petite BBW (I don't know how else to describe myself at 5'2 and 180+lbs) and I prefer SSBHM... my partners BMI is about 70.


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## CastingPearls (Feb 27, 2014)

I'm a BBW and I like men of all sizes, so no, I don't think it's true of everyone who's fat.


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## ScreamingChicken (Feb 27, 2014)

The notion of BBWs being attracted to tall, BHMs is not unusual at all. Especially if the BBW in question is tall. An ex of mine was 5'11 and she told me that it seemed all the tall guys ( I am 6'2") were in to women 5'4" and under. When I asked her why she liked tall, bigger guys her response was that she wants a man she can look at in the eye and that she felt "safe" with, if that makes any sense.


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## Nordicfat (Feb 27, 2014)

Well maybe BBWs are more different, but I have still experienced that many FA's I have met and seen are BHM's themselves.

But as the other people wrote, your body size doesn't decide your preference. Just probably a coincidence.


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## choudhury (Feb 27, 2014)

It's fairly common to see partners that are both overweight. But I don't think that has so much to do with any correlation between being big and also being an FA - it probably has more to do with the shared experience of *being* big, mutual love of food, etc., that ends up bringing them together.


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## bigmac (Feb 28, 2014)

HereticFA said:


> Sadly true. Many will consider a husky build, but not a BHM much over a BMI of 40.



Yes, that sounds about right. While there are always exceptions, generally speaking, the pickings are pretty slim for truly fat guys.


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## fritzi (Feb 28, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Yes, that sounds about right. While there are always exceptions, generally speaking, the pickings are pretty slim for truly fat guys.



Same applies for SSBBW in real life!
Don't confuse reality with life on this board!

There is one - decisive - difference between SSBBW and SSBHM though.
You'll find many more SSBBW who take care of their appearance, have great hair and make-up, dress as flatteringly as possible.
From my observations only very (too) few SSBHM make that effort.
I'll always swoon in delight if I happen to see a really well dressed and groomed SSBHM IRL - they're rare findings.

To the OPs question though:
I wouldn't say BBWs & BHMs are all FA's.
But you will find more general tolerance - which doesn't mean acceptance - towards size among them than with the thin population, simply because they know what it's like.


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## GamerGainerGirl (Feb 28, 2014)

No I don't think all, or even most, BBWs are FAs 
As far as you seeing a trend I would agree that a fat girl may be more likely to think outside the mold of society (ie look at someone for their personality rather than just looks) since they live outside the "box".
However, I have found I am not attracted to BHMs usually  or very very thin people either. I like guys who are taller than me, and of average or husky build because (like someone else said) it feels safe? Being a bigger girl I like to feel like I can be protected and even over powered by him  So a very small man would make me feel large and masculine. That said personality plays the biggest roll of all and sexual preferences change if you find a person you really like that changes them for you.


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## bigmac (Feb 28, 2014)

GamerGainerGirl said:


> ...
> 
> However, I have found I am not attracted to BHMs usually  or very very thin people either. I like guys who are taller than me, and of average or husky build because (like someone else said) it feels safe? Being a bigger girl I like to feel like I can be protected and even over powered by him  So a very small man would make me feel large and masculine. *That said personality plays the biggest roll of al**l* and sexual preferences change if you find a person you really like that changes them for you.



Women typically say this. However, in my opinion its usually BS since they only take time to ascertain the personality of guys they find attractive. Ladies lets be honest -- you're just as focused on looks as guys are -- if not more so.


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## loopytheone (Feb 28, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Women typically say this. However, in my opinion its usually BS since they only take time to ascertain the personality of guys they find attractive. Ladies lets be honest -- you're just as focused on looks as guys are -- if not more so.



I don't think that is fair on people of either gender. I think that things like poise, posture, gestures and the way that speak or tone of your voice can communicate a lot about your personality from a simple glance, correctly or not. I have never found a person, male or female, attractive if I didn't like their personality as well. I find things like mannerisms and their smile and their sense of humour to be big things in whether or not I find a person attractive. In the physical sense I have a preference for SSBHM with dark hair most appealing but all but one of my partners have been slim/skinny and light haired. 

tl;dr: Just because you personally are attracted most strongly to physical appearance when you meet someone doesn't mean that everybody is or that anybody who feels different to you is lying. There is nothing wrong with being attracted more to appearance or the personality, everyone is different.


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## bigmac (Feb 28, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> ...
> 
> tl;dr: Just because you personally are attracted most strongly to physical appearance when you meet someone doesn't mean that everybody is or that anybody who feels different to you is lying. *There is nothing wrong with being attracted more to appearance* or the personality, everyone is different.



Never said there was -- just saying that fact shouldn't be hidden or denied.


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## tankyguy (Feb 28, 2014)

These are just my opinions and observations, some times based on my own experiences and sometime on assumptions, by my take on it is like this:

-Looks are just important to women as they are to men. There's zero scientific evidence to support the stereotype that men are only attracted to looks while women go for a good heart/sense of humor/whatever. Some *people* are more or less focused on looks in a partner, but it's not split along gender lines at all. However, some studies do support the belief that women tend to additionally look for signs of status/success and men for youth and fertility.

-Attraction to a body type is not based on your own body type at all.

-The majority of people are not attracted to BHM or BBW, regardless of their own size. This is a simple fact: attraction will tend towards "average"; the further someone deviates to any physical extreme (very tall, very fat, very short) the fewer people will be attracted to them.

-Therefore, there are probably more BBW and BHM who are not attracted other fat people than are.


However, there are some other factors at play. Again, these are just my opinions based on observations.

-As stated above, physical attraction is not always the end all of what brings two people together. Some people prioritize other traits higher. Plenty of people date regardless either of their body types and then develop physical attraction to that person based on the emotional bond.

-Women feel pressured by society to be small and feminine. This can push some women towards dating larger guys so they will be smaller by comparison.

-Some larger women consciously choose not to date large men because they feel dating "normal" sized guys validates their own attractiveness. They don't want to have to "settle" on a fat guy. This is true for some large guys as well.


At the end of the day, it's a wash. Someone's weight just doesn't closely correlate to what they are attracted to or who they go for.


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 28, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> These are just my opinions and observations, some times based on my own experiences and sometime on assumptions, by my take on it is like this:
> 
> -Looks are just important to women as they are to men. There's zero scientific evidence to support the stereotype that men are only attracted to looks while women go for a good heart/sense of humor/whatever. Some *people* are more or less focused on looks in a partner, but it's not split along gender lines at all. However, some studies do support the belief that women tend to additionally look for signs of status/success and men for youth and fertility.
> 
> ...



I think you are right on point. Most of the guys i have dated tended to be average or body builders because those sre the ones that tend to ask me out. Personally I like the line backer types.. and yes I prefer taller men? Personally I am not one for a guy with a big belly. I have dated plenty of guys with big bellies and have enjoyed it. I find that inpersonally didn't enjoy the sex as much, but that is not to say that it wasn't a good relationship and that I wasn't attracted to them. I date anyone whom i find interest me. There have been plenty of what society deems attractuve men ask me out and have bored me to death. I could even have them as friends because they bored me so much.

So as they say.. you like what you like..regardless of what packaging it comes in.

As to the original question---no.. not all bbws and bhms are FAs themseleves. Some may be, but not all.


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## loopytheone (Feb 28, 2014)

This topic has brought back some odd memories to me. I remember a few years ago before I ever set foot in dims-land and I was talking to BHM over the internet. He told me that I either had to 'gain weight to become a BBW and date fit/thin men' or 'lose weight so you can date big men because they don't want to date fat chicks'. Yeah, that kinda hurt and worried me for a while as I had so little social experience at the time but I know now that that is rubbish and there are people of every size who like people of every other size.


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## Nordicfat (Feb 28, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> This topic has brought back some odd memories to me. I remember a few years ago before I ever set foot in dims-land and I was talking to BHM over the internet. He told me that I either had to 'gain weight to become a BBW and date fit/thin men' or *'lose weight so you can date big men because they don't want to date fat chicks'*. Yeah, that kinda hurt and worried me for a while as I had so little social experience at the time but I know now that that is rubbish and there are people of every size who like people of every other size.



How mean. Even if that is his preference, he should be more tolerant. Especially on Dimensions board... at least if you ask me.


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## bigmac (Mar 1, 2014)

fritzi said:


> Same applies for SSBBW in real life!
> Don't confuse reality with life on this board!
> 
> There is one - decisive - difference between SSBBW and SSBHM though.
> ...



You would think so but its been my experience that this is not true. Indeed many BBWs have profoundly negative attitudes toward BHMs.


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## Yukikaze (Mar 1, 2014)

bigmac said:


> You would think so but its been my experience that this is not true. Indeed many BBWs have profoundly negative attitudes toward BHMs.


I definitely concur. At the BBW parties I used to attend they would literally fight over some normal size/exceptionally fit guys that would attend BBW events.


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## RabbitScorpion (Mar 1, 2014)

My own observation is that BBWs, if anything, are even more likely to prefer a WPTH man over a BHM than WPTH women, as if they wanted to "outcross" their "BBW genes".

Being a chubby fellow who has always liked chubby women, the situation makes me one sad dude


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## veggieforever (Mar 2, 2014)

Yukikaze said:


> I definitely concur. At the BBW parties I used to attend they would literally fight over some normal size/exceptionally fit guys that would attend BBW events.



*I have to agree with this too. Every BBW without exception (myself included) that I know and have known have always preferred thin to average men. Maybe its the law of attraction to go for your opposite. I know I prefer opposite types to myself. I couldn't imagine anything worse than going out with someone who looked and acted just like me!! lol The sex would be great but the arguments would be ticket events!! hahaha! xXx*


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## loopytheone (Mar 2, 2014)

veggieforever said:


> *I have to agree with this too. Every BBW without exception (myself included) that I know and have known have always preferred thin to average men.  Maybe its the law of attraction to go for your opposite. I know I prefer opposite types to myself. I couldn't imagine anything worse than going out with someone who looked and acted just like me!! lol The sex would be great but the arguments would be ticket events!! hahaha! xXx*



...these comments make me sad, as somebody who is a BBW who has posted here for over a year and prefers ssBHM and BBW.


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## veggieforever (Mar 2, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> ...these comments make me sad, as somebody who is a BBW who has posted here for over a year and prefers ssBHM and BBW.


 
*We have no control over our preferences. Variety is the spice of life tho and its good we all prefer different types! *


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## tonynyc (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> You would think so but its been my experience that this is not true. Indeed many BBWs have profoundly negative attitudes toward BHMs.





Yukikaze said:


> I definitely concur. At the BBW parties I used to attend they would literally fight over some normal size/exceptionally fit guys that would attend BBW events.



I have definitely seen some of this come to play- it does become a free-fo-for-all of sorts...




veggieforever said:


> *We have no control over our preferences. Variety is the spice of life tho and its good we all prefer different types! *



Very true- just not an easy process when one can feel left out at certain social events-


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 2, 2014)

Yukikaze said:


> I definitely concur. At the BBW parties I used to attend they would literally fight over some normal size/exceptionally fit guys that would attend BBW events.



No different than when the men see a woman with a big ass walk by and try to hook up with her.....

So.. what is good for the goose... yadda. yadda, yadda


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## vardon_grip (Mar 2, 2014)

veggieforever said:


> *We have no control over our preferences. Variety is the spice of life tho and its good we all prefer different types! *



Your comment got me thinking and this is nothing against you or what you said...but I am of a different opinion.

Sometimes our experiences and/or upbringing lead us to make choices that are not good for our development or our health. (like the person who always chooses the abuser, addict, mommy/daddy figure or someone raised in a racist or prejudiced home) We are not always aware of why we "prefer" or "choose" this or that or whom or how we got from point A to point B. Ever have a friend who always falls for the worst person and then says that they are "unlucky" in love? You say to yourself, "It's possible that if you didn't always date alcoholics or criminals, you might have better "luck"!
I think we need to find a way to understand our "choices" or "preferences" so we can live less encumbered.

I think that the person who enjoys eating a large variety of vegetables, but likes to have carrots more often is very different from the person who will only eat squash. I also find it strange in what some find unattractive in others is what they want others to find attractive in them. It doesn't say "preference" to me.


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## superodalisque (Mar 2, 2014)

veggieforever said:


> *I have to agree with this too. Every BBW without exception (myself included) that I know and have known have always preferred thin to average men. Maybe its the law of attraction to go for your opposite. I know I prefer opposite types to myself. I couldn't imagine anything worse than going out with someone who looked and acted just like me!! lol The sex would be great but the arguments would be ticket events!! hahaha! xXx*





i dunno. maybe it's common practice but i've never chosen a man based on just what he looks like. i know what i think looks good, which includes big guys, but there is a big difference in that and who i am actually attracted to because it is a whole complex of things. i find that the more i like and respect who someone is the more attractive they are physically to me. the more i like them as a person the more i want to look at them. i really can't be attracted to someone without knowing them first. other than that a man can be considered to be traditionally "pretty" but i could care less until he does or says something i like. so size is not on my list because a slim man can be very unattractive in any sense and a big guy can be gorgeous in any sense anyway. i know some big guys who are absolutely the most beautiful men i've ever seen -- even on the outside.


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## superodalisque (Mar 2, 2014)

vardon_grip said:


> Your comment got me thinking and this is nothing against you or what you said...but I am of a different opinion.
> 
> Sometimes our experiences and/or upbringing lead us to make choices that are not good for our development or our health. (like the person who always chooses the abuser, addict, mommy/daddy figure or someone raised in a racist or prejudiced home) We are not always aware of why we "prefer" or "choose" this or that or whom or how we got from point A to point B. Ever have a friend who always falls for the worst person and then says that they are "unlucky" in love? You say to yourself, "It's possible that if you didn't always date alcoholics or criminals, you might have better "luck"!
> I think we need to find a way to understand our "choices" or "preferences" so we can live less encumbered.
> ...



exactly. for instance i know lots of men who've been subjected to societal pressure about fat women their entire life and never thought they would or could be attracted to one but once the experience came to them it changed their entire perception about what attractive was for them. and these guys are not closeted etc... never were and are not now either. it didn't make them choose fat women exclusively like a fetish and it also did not cause them to exclude fat women as partners afterward. they just became a normal part of their dating life.


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## bigmac (Mar 2, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> No different than when the men see a woman with a big ass walk by and try to hook up with her.....
> 
> So.. what is good for the goose... yadda. yadda, yadda




Looks matter -- that's self-evident. The guys cat calling women with big hips are being straight forward. However, women who profess that personality is more important than looks while only bothering to ascertain the personality of guys they're physically attracted too are being disingenuous.


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## olwen (Mar 2, 2014)

To the OP, obviously, sites designed for people who are attracted to fat people will attract people who are attracted to fat people--regardless of size. Don't go out into the real world assuming that every fat person you meet automatically wants to be with other fat people or that they automatically want to be with only thin people. You have to go on a case by case basis.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Looks matter -- that's self-evident. The guys cat calling women with big hips are being straight forward. However, women who profess that personality is more important than looks while only bothering to ascertain the personality of guys they're physically attracted too are being disingenuous.




Did it ever occur to you that maybe it is the way he approached, or the way he carried himself?

There has to be something that attracts people to each other. For some it is looks, for some it is personality, for others it may be a simple gesture.

Just because your experience has been that the women at a club ignore you, does not mean that *EVERY* BBW as you put it is the same.

That is like saying every flower you have ever seen is rose, therefore all flowers must be roses.


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## loopytheone (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Looks matter -- that's self-evident. The guys cat calling women with big hips are being straight forward. However, women who profess that personality is more important than looks while only bothering to ascertain the personality of guys they're physically attracted too are being disingenuous.



I don't think a single person has said that looks aren't important. It is always important to be attracted to the person that you are with or dating. But for some people the personality of the person is more important than the way they look. Some people will only date BBW, or only date women with large chests or men with six packs or whatever. But there are also people who are willing to accept a partner that does not look like their ideal as long as they are attractive in some way and have a good personality. You can find out a lot about a person's personality before you even meet them. You can tell from the way they move, the way they dress, the way they talk to other people... it is far from full proof but I wouldn't care if I saw the most gorgeous BHM in the world if he had an arrogant presence or if I saw him leering at people. On the other hand I have found skinny guys attractive from seeing them be sweet with people or listening to them talk with passion about something I am passionate about or being cute and shy.


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## Blackjack (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Looks matter -- that's self-evident. The guys cat calling women with big hips are being straight forward. However, women who profess that personality is more important than looks while only bothering to ascertain the personality of guys they're physically attracted too are being disingenuous.


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## superodalisque (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Looks matter -- that's self-evident. The guys cat calling women with big hips are being straight forward. However, women who profess that personality is more important than looks while only bothering to ascertain the personality of guys they're physically attracted too are being disingenuous.



nope. because sex isn't a stranger to me. it has never been a rare occurrence. and after all of these years of experience i know that what people look like has little to do with what the actual experience is going to be like and how not sexy it is to be with a jerk. so my libido is tapped by someone who is emotionally available. that is _extremely_ sexy to me. stupidity and cruelty is also a real turn off. those things cannot be attached to anything people exhibit on the outside. the absolute best sexual experience i ever had was with someone who didn't traditionally look the part but he hit everything that was important to me so i felt free loving and open and was able to reach heights i hadn't reached before. so knowing that i have a certain distance from physical looks. i'm just too experienced to believe that "shell is all" stuff anymore. i think a lot o people would like to believe that they aren't sexually attractive to people because of what they look like. that's an easy out. they find it harder to just admit that it's actually the person they are that is a really turning people off.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 2, 2014)

Blackjack said:


>



I love this!


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## bigmac (Mar 2, 2014)

Blackjack said:


>




Actually a pretty fair assessment. Whenever someone starts down the _"looks aren't important to me"_ road my initial reaction is to roll eyes. However, that doesn't mean I'm a bitter angry person. Indeed its kind of fun calling people on their BS.


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## bigmac (Mar 2, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> Did it ever occur to you that maybe it is the way he approached, or the way he carried himself?
> 
> ...



Actually no since I've experienced both sides. Although I've been fat most of my life I've managed to get relatively thin and fit on three separate occasions (and managed to stay relatively thin and fit for a few years each time). I don't believe my mannerisms or how I carried myself varied much.However, the results sure did. 




lucca23v2 said:


> Just because your experience has been that the women at a club ignore you, does not mean that *EVERY* BBW as you put it is the same.
> 
> ...



Again, I've experienced both sides. Examples: When I attended the 1995 NAAFA I had recently discharged from the Army and was in the best shape of my life (249 lbs). I hadn't even signed in before a pretty young BBW approached me. Later the first night another BBW handed me her room key. The rest of the weekend was more of the same. Fast forward a few years -- I had gained seventy pounds -- I attended a Vegas Bash and discovered that I had become pretty much invisible to women.

I adapted to the new reality by pursuing relationships outside the BBW/FA community. Since I'm now happily married I guess you could say successfully so.


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## Jah (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Actually a pretty fair assessment. Whenever someone starts down the _"looks aren't important to me"_ road my initial reaction is to roll eyes. However, that doesn't mean I'm a bitter angry person. Indeed its kind of fun calling people on their BS.



I've had experiences where my first impression of a person was that they were ugly to look at. Then after getting to know them I discover that they have a great personality and I want to be around them more. All of sudden I no longer find them ugly but instead find them sexy. Are you saying that you've never experienced that?


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 2, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Actually no since I've experienced both sides. Although I've been fat most of my life I've managed to get relatively thin and fit on three separate occasions (and managed to stay relatively thin and fit for a few years each time). I don't believe my mannerisms or how I carried myself varied much.However, the results sure did.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



lol.. you do realize that those experiences can be a bit skewed right? So it couldn't be that when you were thinner, the women that approached you at THAT particular venue were a bit more forward than the ones at the Vegas Bash?

Or maybe the women that go to the bashes are doing the same exact thing that men are doing, going to find the best person to hook up with for the night?

I have dated plenty of guys who never even considered dating a bbw before.

Personally, I prefer to date outside of the BBW/FA world. It is a great world, but I prefer to date someone who wants to date me for me.


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## tonynyc (Mar 2, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> lol.. you do realize that those experiences can be a bit skewed right? So it couldn't be that when you were thinner, the women that approached you at THAT particular venue were a bit more forward than the ones at the Vegas Bash?
> 
> Or maybe the women that go to the bashes are doing the same exact thing that men are doing, going to find the best person to hook up with for the night?
> 
> ...



I wouldn't say skewed as this behavior has occurred at other events. Now whether or not a BHM can have a great time (and many do) can depend on a variety of factors...

But this does bring up an interesting point as to what traits in both BHM and BBW that are considered ideal...


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## Jah (Mar 2, 2014)

So none of bbw ffas attend any of the bashes?


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 2, 2014)

Jah said:


> So none of bbw ffas attend any of the bashes?



I went to a BBW party last night.. it was not worth the time.


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## superodalisque (Mar 2, 2014)

when i used to go to a lot of bashes my experience was that many BHMs were almost shunned. but i think it had more to do with how they dressed and carried themselves. a great many of them did not look confident. the ones who did were kept quite busy. among BBWs there is a lot of emphasis on presentation, not so much for quite a few BHMs. the slim guys who go to bashes often don't try very hard either. there is nothing more attractive than a big guy who dresses well and has a good attitude--just as with BBWs


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## agouderia (Mar 3, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> when i used to go to a lot of bashes my experience was that many BHMs were almost shunned. *but i think it had more to do with how they dressed and carried themselves.* a great many of them did not look confident. the ones who did were kept quite busy. *among BBWs there is a lot of emphasis on presentation, not so much for quite a few BHMs.* the slim guys who go to bashes often don't try very hard either. there is nothing more attractive than a big guy who dresses well and has a good attitude--just as with BBWs



This!

If you dress like an ogre you needn't be surprised if people treat you as such.

From my observations the majority of SS/BHMs for some reasons doesn't believe in the well proven proverb of 'cloths make people' and goes for - politely put - comfort or more bluntly the slob-look or baggy/shapeless t-shirts + pants.
That look conveys the message you care neither about yourself - nor the people you're meeting, because it shows a lack of respect for the others and the occasion. And that's a message most others will not want to deal with.

I often wish I could go clothes shopping with some of the great guys on the BHM/FFA board and turn them out in style.
Them everybody would immediately recognize how great they are!


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## loopytheone (Mar 3, 2014)

agouderia said:


> This!
> 
> If you dress like an ogre you needn't be surprised if people treat you as such.
> 
> ...



To be honest I feel exactly the opposite to this. I stay away from guys who are 'over dressed' or put too much effort into how they dress and how they look because to me that speaks of vanity and other traits I don't like. As far as I am concerned I expect a guy to be clean and dressed in whatever makes him feel comfortable and confident. All the guys I have been with or been interested in, skinny to ssBHM, all present themselves this way. Then again I am a huge believer in natural beauty, so that is probably why I prefer it. I know that I look gorgeous in my baggy, oversized t shirt and jeans and I think that men can and do as well.


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## tankyguy (Mar 3, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> *when i used to go to a lot of bashes my experience was that many BHMs were almost shunned.* but i think it had more to do with how they dressed and carried themselves. a great many of them did not look confident. the ones who did were kept quite busy. among BBWs there is a lot of emphasis on presentation, not so much for quite a few BHMs. *the slim guys who go to bashes often don't try very hard either*. there is nothing more attractive than a big guy who dresses well and has a good attitude--just as with BBWs



Just pointing out that slim guys _and_ BHMs dressing down but the BHMs being shunned for it is kinda biased and flies in the face of of the whole idea of size acceptance, IMO.


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## tonynyc (Mar 3, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> Just pointing out that slim guys _and_ BHMs dressing down but the BHMs being shunned for it is kinda biased and flies in the face of of the whole idea of size acceptance, IMO.



_*Well unfortunately - you have much unfairness going on even at functions (bashes ,dances) for people of size. The "acceptance" part varies for each individual. 

*_


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## HereticFA (Mar 3, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> Just pointing out that slim guys _and_ BHMs dressing down but the BHMs being shunned for it is kinda biased and flies in the face of of the whole idea of size acceptance, IMO.


Maybe because we're two to three times the size of those average guys, we look 2x to 3x worse if we don't dress well? If we in the fat acceptance community are looking for social equality, we should behave equally as a given social circumstance implies? A formal dance certainly implies formal attire be worn by those in attendance. Claiming an exemption because we're fat and at a fat acceptance event is beyond lame. 

One of my bigger gripes at the dances I used to attend was the overall percentage of guys in general that don't dress as well as the women. I know it's partially that many of them are counterculture and anti-establishment and that philosophy carries over their attire. But guys, the women are talking about you and it's not in admiring terms. If you're doing it to filter your results at the dance in order to find someone simpatico to your view of the world, you're kidding yourself. You're poisoning the well you hope to drink from. If enough of the women talk badly about you, odds are pretty good that social influence will rub off on the one you may be interested in and you'll strike out. 

And those t-shirts printed with a tux worn with jeans and sneakers at a _formal_ dance are the lamest of all. The only thing worse is wearing a sweatsuit to a formal dance like a now deceased former friend of mine used to do. ("Former" once I realized just how misogynistic he was. He was always gushingly gentlemanly in mixed company. I should have realized it was an act but I initially just discounted it as one of his many other unique traits.)


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## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> Just pointing out that slim guys _and_ BHMs dressing down but the BHMs being shunned for it is kinda biased and flies in the face of of the whole idea of size acceptance, IMO.



it can be an issue for fat folk since it has something to do with how your confidence comes across. it's unfair but true. however, personally i don't like slim guys either who come in as though they are about to go out and cut a lawn especially when i've gone to the effort to wear a formal at a formal dance. most thin guys who respect you or themselves will not come to an event looking like that unless they are trading on the idea that fat women are totally desperate and will accept just anything. unfortunately they are totally right about some of us. quite a number will take it and that is why a lot of guys show up like that. 

it's a pet peeve with me because generally i go to regular clubs when i go out and i know they wouldn't even be allowed in looking like that. people do what they can get away with and BHMs definitely should not be taking cues from that. it's just plain disrespectful to show up where women are wearing formal gowns in very casual clothing. i would expect a BHM to respect me more than that simply because i would never treat him that way and i feel he should understand and respect me more since we have similar issues.


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## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2014)

HereticFA said:


> Maybe because we're two to three times the size of those average guys, we look 2x to 3x worse if we don't dress well? If we in the fat acceptance community are looking for social equality, we should behave equally as a given social circumstance implies? A formal dance certainly implies formal attire be worn by those in attendance. Claiming an exemption because we're fat and at a fat acceptance event is beyond lame.
> 
> One of my bigger gripes at the dances I used to attend was the overall percentage of guys in general that don't dress as well as the women. I know it's partially that many of them are counterculture and anti-establishment and that philosophy carries over their attire. But guys, the women are talking about you and it's not in admiring terms. If you're doing it to filter your results at the dance in order to find someone simpatico to your view of the world, you're kidding yourself. You're poisoning the well you hope to drink from. If enough of the women talk badly about you, odds are pretty good that social influence will rub off on the one you may be interested in and you'll strike out.
> 
> And those t-shirts printed with a tux worn with jeans and sneakers at a _formal_ dance are the lamest of all. The only thing worse is wearing a sweatsuit to a formal dance like a now deceased former friend of mine used to do. ("Former" once I realized just how misogynistic he was. He was always gushingly gentlemanly in mixed company. I should have realized it was an act but I initially just discounted it as one of his many other unique traits.)



for sure. i know what size i am too and that i am not able to be invisible. that is the reality of being a fat person.


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## tonynyc (Mar 3, 2014)

HereticFA said:


> Maybe because we're two to three times the size of those average guys, we look 2x to 3x worse if we don't dress well? If we in the fat acceptance community are looking for social equality, we should behave equally as a given social circumstance implies? A formal dance certainly implies formal attire be worn by those in attendance. Claiming an exemption because we're fat and at a fat acceptance event is beyond lame.
> 
> One of my bigger gripes at the dances I used to attend was the overall percentage of guys in general that don't dress as well as the women. I know it's partially that many of them are counterculture and anti-establishment and that philosophy carries over their attire. But guys, the women are talking about you and it's not in admiring terms. If you're doing it to filter your results at the dance in order to find someone simpatico to your view of the world, you're kidding yourself. You're poisoning the well you hope to drink from. If enough of the women talk badly about you, odds are pretty good that social influence will rub off on the one you may be interested in and you'll strike out.
> 
> ...


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## Fat Molly (Mar 3, 2014)

Blackjack said:


> You do. The body type you have has no bearing on the body type you're attracted to.



Bingo.

If you spend long enough on this site, you will see many people who are Fat Admirers who are fat, thin, or average-sized. While this community provides a special environment for those who are larger to be appreciated, being an admirer does not mean you are fat (or vice versa). 

There are plenty of people, fat and thin, who like piano music. Just because you've met a bunch of people who are fat and like piano music doesn't mean that piano music makes you fat, or that all fat people like piano music. 

Trying to ascribe causation / correlation to this is not helpful. It perpetuates the idea that folks who feel X way must have Y cause. It really invalidates those who are thin folks who like fat folks. And there are those people on this forum! (Not myself, but others!)


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## bigmac (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm not buying the BHM would get some action if they only dressed better line. Guys of all sizes hate dressing up -- most only do it when absolutely required. 

The real issue is the fact that women have no problem with a thin or muscular guy wearing jeans and a tee shirt but dismiss a similarly dressed fat guy as slovenly.


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## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2014)

bigmac said:


> I'm not buying the BHM would get some action if they only dressed better line. Guys of all sizes hate dressing up -- most only do it when absolutely required.
> 
> The real issue is the fact that women have no problem with a thin or muscular guy wearing jeans and a tee shirt but dismiss a similarly dressed fat guy as slovenly.



you can believe all of that hooey if you want to


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## bigmac (Mar 3, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> you can believe all of that hooey if you want to



What are you disputing? That guys don't like dressing up? Or that many women hide behind the_ if only they dressed better_ line to avoid having to admit that they're not into fat guys (no matter how well dressed).


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## bigmac (Mar 3, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> To be honest I feel exactly the opposite to this. I stay away from guys who are 'over dressed' or put too much effort into how they dress and how they look because to me that speaks of vanity and other traits I don't like. As far as I am concerned I expect a guy to be clean and dressed in whatever makes him feel comfortable and confident. All the guys I have been with or been interested in, skinny to ssBHM, all present themselves this way. Then again I am a huge believer in natural beauty, so that is probably why I prefer it. I know that I look gorgeous in my baggy, oversized t shirt and jeans and I think that men can and do as well.



Yes, I've always avoided women with too much makeup, fancy hair, *and especially over done nails!*


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## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2014)

bigmac said:


> What are you disputing? That guys don't like dressing up? Or that many women hide behind the_ if only they dressed better_ line to avoid having to admit that they're not into fat guys (no matter how well dressed).



all of the above. l know plenty of BHMs who like dressing well and also guys of other sizes. your experience isn't everyone's. and i know plenty of women who love date marry and stay with BHMs. not all men like it sloppy. some are metrosexual clothes horses and like fashion. and before you say it they aren't gay. i don't know where you live but it seems like your experience of other men is limited to television consumption. it sounds like something a woman who doesn't know many men would say. in your field i would expect you would know better since dressing well can also be a masculine ego competition and power play that men enjoy in the legal arena. 

even for FFAs just being fat isn't enough. showing up like you don't respect yourself doesn't help anything no matter your size.


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## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Yes, I've always avoided women with too much makeup, fancy hair, *and especially over done nails!*



you are not every man.


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## tonynyc (Mar 4, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> i don't like slim guys either who come in as though they are about to go out and cut a lawn especially when i've gone to the effort to wear a formal at a formal dance... it's a pet peeve with me ...





bigmac said:


> The real issue is the fact that women have no problem with a thin or muscular guy wearing jeans and a tee shirt but dismiss a similarly dressed fat guy as slovenly.



Well... seems as if everyone can have their respective pet peeve of sorts-


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## superodalisque (Mar 4, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> Well... seems as if everyone can have their respective pet peeve of sorts-



except when one is getting someone turned down and they are upset about it. they can have the pet peeve but shouldn't expect anything different to happen if they don't change anything in their power to change once people have told them and they absolutely refuse to hear it.


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## superodalisque (Mar 4, 2014)

veggieforever said:


> *I have to agree with this too. Every BBW without exception (myself included) that I know and have known have always preferred thin to average men. Maybe its the law of attraction to go for your opposite. I know I prefer opposite types to myself. I couldn't imagine anything worse than going out with someone who looked and acted just like me!! lol The sex would be great but the arguments would be ticket events!! hahaha! xXx*



but the pix you posted of yourself on these forums do not look like a BBW at all. don't you think a skewed sense of your size anyway? do yu have some kind of dysmorphia or are you trying to mess with BHMs heads among others? if you aren that really isn't right or very nice. and how can you speak for EVERY BBW since other BBWs here have said differently anyway? so EVERY BBW does not ALWAYS anything and your theory is shot.


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## tonynyc (Mar 4, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> except when one is getting someone turned down and they are upset about it. they can have the pet peeve but shouldn't expect anything different to happen if they don't change anything in their power to change once people have told them and they absolutely refuse to hear it.



The feeling if rejection is not great (regardless if one is a BHM or BBW) it still stings... 

We all base opinions of others (good, bad, unfair or otherwise) on 1st impressions. Your first impression is based on how someone is dressed- another may base on other factors or "physical" traits...


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## superodalisque (Mar 4, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> The feeling if rejection is not great (regardless if one is a BHM or BBW) it still stings...
> 
> We all base opinions of others (good, bad, unfair or otherwise) on 1st impressions. Your first impression is based on how someone is dressed- another may base on other factors or "physical" traits...



of course it's always going to be possible that you won't be everyone's type. and i KNOW there are some BBWs who are definitely prejudiced against BHMs. i don't like it myself. but that is NOT everyone though. people who are not prejudiced against you but may not have you at the center of their preference may be willing to look at you further than the one trait if you seem to respect yourself and the other person by caring that you come dressed appropriately to the appropriate place. not only can it make you look sloppy but it can also make you look socially inept, not very smart or very being adventurous about the types of places you go. so it has a whole lot of implications other than just being dressed well, which some people don't get. it can show that you won't know how to function effectively in the rest of your life. or, that you are too lazy to do what is necessary no matter what your size is. so what you end up doing is excluding a lot of people who would otherwise find you attractive.

in the rest of the world if you come to a formal happening like that they just won't allow you in fat or not. if you show up at a swanky event trying to get away with trailer park formal they AREN'T going to let you in no matter what your size is. so if thin guys aren't getting away with that why should a big guy even want to try? he should have more respect for himself than that.

lol i can't believe i'm having this discussion with grown men.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 4, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> We all base opinions of others (good, bad, unfair or otherwise) on 1st impressions. Your first impression is based on how someone is dressed- another may base on other factors or "physical" traits...



Thank goodness we are different. If we were the same how boring that would be!

My taste in men varies. The only constant for me is height.. I love tall men.. I prefer hispanic and caucasian, but I have dated everything in between and around those ethnicities.


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## bigmac (Mar 4, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> except when one is getting someone turned down and they are upset about it. they can have the pet peeve but shouldn't expect anything different to happen if they don't change anything in their power to change once people have told them and they absolutely refuse to hear it.





You're right I do have the power to change things. I've been working out the last couple of months. I've dropped two pants sizes (but strangely no weight). I'm off the market but I've had several BBWs instigate small talk lately (most recently this evening in the line at the corner store).

My advice for BHM -- don't waste your money on fancy clothes -- buy a gym membership instead.


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## tonynyc (Mar 4, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> of course it's always going to be possible that you won't be everyone's type. and i KNOW there are some BBWs who are definitely prejudiced against BHMs. i don't like it myself. but that is NOT everyone though. people who are not prejudiced against you but may not have you at the center of their preference may be willing to look at you further than the one trait if you seem to respect yourself and the other person by caring that you come dressed appropriately to the appropriate place. not only can it make you look sloppy but it can also make you look socially inept, not very smart or very being adventurous about the types of places you go. so it has a whole lot of implications other than just being dressed well, which some people don't get. it can show that you won't know how to function effectively in the rest of your life. or, that you are too lazy to do what is necessary no matter what your size is. so what you end up doing is excluding a lot of people who would otherwise find you attractive.
> 
> in the rest of the world if you come to a formal happening like that they just won't allow you in fat or not. if you show up at a swanky event trying to get away with trailer park formal they AREN'T going to let you in no matter what your size is. so if thin guys aren't getting away with that why should a big guy even want to try? he should have more respect for himself than that.
> 
> lol i can't believe i'm having this discussion with grown men.



Well there are exceptions - I've seen folks that are well dressed; but, socially inept. Speaking of grown-up stuff...Your writing style is unique. 
Do you have a fear of capital letters?


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## superodalisque (Mar 4, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> Well there are exceptions - I've seen folks that are well dressed; but, socially inept. Speaking of grown-up stuff...The writing style is unique.
> Do you have a fear of capital letters?



at least they don't seem socially inept right from the jump so that they get turned away before they can even open their mouths

no. i just don't have a purpose for that here. and having a degree in english, history and studied linguistics i know exactly how writing styles and forms develop so i create my own. but i know where i can afford to and where i can't afford to.

it's funny how a little lowercase freaks people out especially when they can't argue with the actual thought. and actually i like that it discourages lazy people.


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## superodalisque (Mar 4, 2014)

bigmac said:


> You're right I do have the power to change things. I've been working out the last couple of months. I've dropped two pants sizes (but strangely no weight). I'm off the market but I've had several BBWs instigate small talk lately (most recently this evening in the line at the corner store).
> 
> My advice for BHM -- don't waste your money on fancy clothes -- buy a gym membership instead.



houston you have a problem


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## tankyguy (Mar 4, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> *showing up like you don't respect yourself doesn't help anything no matter your size.*



The situation being discussed contradicts this idea.

The situation being, BHM specifically being shunned by women at these events and then having their clothing being brought out as an excuse for this.



superodalisque said:


> *when i used to go to a lot of bashes my experience was that many BHMs were almost shunned.* but i think it had more to do with *how they dressed and carried themselves*. a great many of them did not look confident. the ones who did were kept quite busy. among BBWs there is a lot of emphasis on presentation, not so much for quite a few BHMs. *the slim guys who go to bashes often don't try very hard either*. there is nothing more attractive than a big guy who dresses well and has a good attitude--just as with BBWs



The fact of the matter is, it has nothing to do with how they dressed. _If they're thin and wearing the same thing_, they're not getting shunned and are getting more attention from the women at the events.

This isn't a case of some women being biased against badly dressed men; if the men are thin the women have _less_ of a problem relaxing their expectations of dress for them. Since it's the BHM being shunned at the events; it's a case of women being biased against BHM.

I'm with bigmac on this. "If they only dressed better" is being used in this case to deflect from the fact that a lot of these BBW really just don't like BHM. It's a sizeist attitude being expressed.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 4, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> The fact of the matter is, it has nothing to do with how they dressed. _If they're thin and wearing the same thing_, they're not getting shunned and are getting more attention from the women at the events.
> 
> This isn't a case of some women being biased against badly dressed men; if the men are thin the women have _less_ of a problem relaxing their expectations of dress for them. Since it's the BHM being shunned at the events; it's a case of women being biased against BHM.
> 
> I'm with bigmac on this. "If they only dressed better" is being used in this case to deflect from the fact that a lot of these BBW really just don't like BHM. It's a sizeist attitude being expressed.



Ugh, where to begin. 

1. Don't generalize. Whom exact are you referring to when you say "these BBW"? 

2. There are BBWs that prefer smaller men- They should not be hated on. It is their preference much like you liking BBWS is your preference.

3. The way a man dresses does say alot about him. Fat or skinny, noone likes a slob. As a big person I know that clothes will not "hang" on me the same way it would a thin woman. I dress for my frame. Men need to learn this. Thin people can sometimes buy off the rack and it looks good. But if you want your clothes to fit properly, have them taylored. Nothing beats a well dressed man in well fitting clothes. Fat or thin. I love wearing sweats and t-shirts, but i won't wear it on a date or to a club. Always make sure to put your best foot forward. If you want a woman that is hot and sexy, then maybe you should try to match her. Throwing on a pair of jeans that shows ass crack or bellies hanging out, not exactly attractive. Try a t-shirt that fits just right and jeans that make you look good. They are nice and don't show your ass crack.

4. And this is for both BHMs and BBWS... *NOT EVERY STYLE IS FOR EVERYONE* Learn what looks good on you and wear it to your best advantage. Always remember bodies change and your style should change along with it. Something that looks good now, might not look good on your body if you have gained or loss 20 lbs. Trends and fads are just momentary. Style is what you want Style is what conveys who you are, what you think of yourself. What makes you feel good.


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## HereticFA (Mar 4, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> The situation being, BHM specifically being shunned by women at these events and then having their clothing being brought out as an excuse for this.


Umm, no. The situation being that there weren't enough women who either preferred BHMs at that event _or_ had no physical preferences but did judge a guy's attitude based on the guy wearing casual attire to a formal event. Sadly (for us BHMs) there will always be women that don't want a larger guy. And they seem to be the majority, and that's OK. (As long as they don't allow their sexual preferences to carry over into the workplace.)



tankyguy said:


> The fact of the matter is, it has nothing to do with how they dressed. _If they're thin and wearing the same thing_, they're not getting shunned and are getting more attention from the women at the events.


There's a LOT of average size guys at the events that are also getting ignored for various reasons, including poor attire. I remember one of my first NAAFA Convention in Baltimore staring at the line of average size guys lined up at the bar or along the wall. They were just standing there, fingering their drinks and staring into the room, sizing up their possible targets - or something. I was enjoying the evening introducing myself at various tables and getting into discussions with no expectations of anything except having conversations and getting to know people. So no TG, the average size guys get ignored for similar reasons (wardrobe, behavior, etc.) as have already been discussed.



tankyguy said:


> This isn't a case of some women being biased against badly dressed men; if the men are thin the women have _less_ of a problem relaxing their expectations of dress for them. Since it's the BHM being shunned at the events; it's a case of women being biased against BHM.
> 
> I'm with bigmac on this. "If they only dressed better" is being used in this case to deflect from the fact that a lot of these BBW really just don't like BHM. It's a sizeist attitude being expressed.


If you're going to be such an iconoclast as to demand to be accepted by a woman at a fat oriented event _just because you're a BHM_, regardless of wardrobe or social behavior - don't be surprised when you get the opportunity to only enjoy your own company. 

Personal preferences in matters of personal relationships is really the only acceptable area of size discrimination. We don't get a choice in what body type interests us. Sometimes I envy those who have no preferences (or at least say they don't). There is always a segment of society that either has no preference or has such a mild preference that it doesn't guide their selection in a partner. Factoring in that segment with the FFAs and a BHM does have a chance in finding a partner. That's when having diversity in approaches to clothing and behavior come into play. That's what can help tilt someone's opinion of you in your direction. You shouldn't be looking for the ones to come all the way to you, just look out for the ones willing to come half-way. The other half of the trip is up to you.

During the years I was attending NAAFA national events in the 80's & 90's, I kept on the lookout for which people seemed to do the best. It was always the ones that exhibited the most average to engaging _behavior_ that attracted the most people. Even with the women, the largest BBWs weren't the most popular except with the "wall hugger" guys, who usually struck out with her. It's all about the social skills. I seem to remember several of the more outgoing SSBHMs also having a circle of people at numerous occasions. Again, they were usually dressed fitting the occasion and exhibited an outgoing personality. One of my best friends was over 600 lbs and has a very outgoing personality. The party was usually at his table, wherever that was. While he wore casual clothes at casual events, he would dress in a basic suit and tie for formal events. It was usually HIM that the women were attracted to. (And yes, there were a few that couldn't accept his size.) He's coming up on his 30th wedding anniversary this year. I'm only on my 10th.


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## tankyguy (Mar 4, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> 1. Don't generalize. Whom exact are you referring to when you say "these BBW"?



It's not a generalization. I'm referring specifically to the BBW in the anecdotes from Yukikaze, tonynyc and bigmac.
A generalization would be sating "all BBW", which is the exact opposite of what I said.




> 2. There are BBWs that prefer smaller men- They should not be hated on. It is their preference much like you liking BBWS is your preference.



What I am pointing out is that if individuals are expressing bias against casually dressed BHM but not the same against slim men dressed the same way and are holding them to a different standard, that is a sizeist attitude by definition and runs contrary to any notion of fat acceptance.

Calling out prejudice isn't "hating on" people.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 4, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> It's not a generalization. I'm referring specifically to the BBW in the anecdotes from Yukikaze, tonynyc and bigmac.
> A generalization would be sating "all BBW", which is the exact opposite of what I said.
> 
> 
> ...



No it is not. I can wear sweats and a t-shirt the same as a thin person, but I can guarantee that it will not look the same on me as it does her. That is not sizist. It is the truth. She can wear it and look hot and I can wear the same thing and look sloppy. Now if I taylor it to me and instead of wearing sweats maybe i wear a pair of yoga pants, and a different type of t-shirt tha is better suit for my body, then i will look hot. It is still very casual attire, I just chose to wear the attire that is most flattering to me. This being said, not everyone can rock yoga pants, not everyone can rock sweats, but you try to find what flatters you in the same fashion as what the others are wearing and that will make you look better.

So as I said.. it is not about what you are wearing it is about how you wear it. I don't mind a big man in jeans and sneakers and a t-shirt like a thin guy, so long as he is wearing them to his best advantage where he does not look sloppy. A big guy doesn't have to always be n a suit and tie. He needs to dress for the occasion but he needs to taylor what he is wearing to make himself look better.


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## tonynyc (Mar 4, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> No it is not. I can wear sweats and a t-shirt the same as a thin person, but I can guarantee that it will not look the same on me as it does her. That is not sizist. It is the truth. She can wear it and look hot and I can wear the same thing and look sloppy. Now if I taylor it to me and instead of wearing sweats maybe i wear a pair of yoga pants, and a different type of t-shirt tha is better suit for my body, then i will look hot. It is still very casual attire, I just chose to wear the attire that is most flattering to me. This being said, not everyone can rock yoga pants, not everyone can rock sweats, but you try to find what flatters you in the same fashion as what the others are wearing and that will make you look better.
> 
> So as I said.. it is not about what you are wearing it is about how you wear it. I don't mind a big man in jeans and sneakers and a t-shirt like a thin guy, so long as he is wearing them to his best advantage where he does not look sloppy. A big guy doesn't have to always be n a suit and tie. He needs to dress for the occasion but he needs to taylor what he is wearing to make himself look better.



* At the end of the day if one chooses to tailor their clothes or not - you have to be happy with you. If certain folks choose to judge you otherwise... then they are not worth your time or effort*


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 4, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> * At the end of the day if one chooses to tailor their clothes or not - you have to be happy with you. If certain folks choose to judge you otherwise... then they are not worth your time or effort*



*Well.. first impressions make a difference. Which is why you should always put your best fot forward.*

JMT


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## superodalisque (Mar 4, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> It's not a generalization. I'm referring specifically to the BBW in the anecdotes from Yukikaze, tonynyc and bigmac.
> A generalization would be sating "all BBW", which is the exact opposite of what I said.
> 
> 
> ...



I don't care for it when slim guys who do it inappropriately either. most of the time I'm thinking time to grow up and get into the long pants lil boy.


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## tonynyc (Mar 4, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> * At the end of the day if one chooses to tailor their clothes or not - you have to be happy with you. If certain folks choose to judge you otherwise... then they are not worth your time or effort*





lucca23v2 said:


> *Well.. first impressions make a difference. Which is why you should always put your best fot forward.*
> 
> JMT



That's all one can do and if you feel that you have done your best then you have no regrets;


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## bigmac (Mar 4, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> *Well.. first impressions make a difference. Which is why you should always put your best fot forward.*
> 
> JMT




Actually not always. My old 1987 F150 work truck was great at weeding out the materialistic. I even had one date outright refuse to ride in it. On our first date my wife to be hopped in said "cool a bench seat" and slid right on over.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 4, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Actually not always. My old 1987 F150 work truck was great at weeding out the materialistic. I even had one date outright refuse to ride in it. On our first date my wife to be hopped in said "cool a bench seat" and slid right on over.



Well.. sorry to bust your bubble, but I am a city girl and trucks of all kinds make me hot!. I would have asked you for your keys and asked if I could drive.

It would not have weeded me out. It may have cost you a truck, but I would have jumped in just like your wifey did.


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## superodalisque (Mar 5, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Actually not always. My old 1987 F150 work truck was great at weeding out the materialistic. I even had one date outright refuse to ride in it. On our first date my wife to be hopped in said "cool a bench seat" and slid right on over.



that is why we are all different people. people want different things out of life for whatever kooky reason. we all have that right. you're not entitled to everybody being attracted to you or following your personal tastes. you have one somebody who is attracted to you as you are and evidently also loves you a whole lot and vice versa. why so bitter at the world? the whole world isn't going to give you that and it doesn't owe you that either. that is the whole point of a significant other, having someone who is THE one who loves and wants you for yourself whoever that happens to be. as far as i can see that is what i would call a success. you have your BBW. SHE didn't spurn you and you are not alone. and, you didn't have to lose weight to catch her either. what the heck are you on about? you aren't suffering some calamity. you are a lucky man for any size. maybe it's time for you to be grateful that you ARE loved and desired and to stop talking like you aren't.


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## tonynyc (Mar 5, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> that is why we are all different people. people want different things out of life for whatever kooky reason. we all have that right. you're not entitled to everybody being attracted to you or following your personal tastes. you have one somebody who is attracted to you as you are and evidently also loves you a whole lot and vice versa. why so bitter at the world? the whole world isn't going to give you that and it doesn't owe you that either. that is the whole point of a significant other, having someone who is THE one who loves and wants you for yourself whoever that happens to be. as far as i can see that is what i would call a success. you have your BBW. SHE didn't spurn you and you are not alone. and, you didn't have to lose weight to catch her either. what the heck are you on about? you aren't suffering some calamity. you are a lucky man for any size. maybe it's time for you to be grateful that you ARE loved and desired and to stop talking like you aren't.




*
We all should be "happy" and "grateful" I know that I am fortunate. Now since you made the conclusion that Bigmac appears to be happy, Are you happy with what you have in your life and significant other as well?

*


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## superodalisque (Mar 5, 2014)

tonynyc said:


> *
> We all should be "happy" and "grateful" I know that I am fortunate. Now since you made the conclusion that Bigmac appears to be happy, Are you happy with what you have in your life and significant other as well?
> 
> *



i am happy with my life and grateful for who i have in it


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## Highsteppa (Mar 6, 2014)

Nordicfat said:


> Hello!
> 
> I wonder if you can give me an answer, I have noticed this probably not so weird coincidence.
> 
> ...



I think that there's a bit of a misconception by society at large (pun not intended) and some of those BHM's themselves in the attitude that fat should be with fat. 

And it's mostly bullshit.

I see it as not being much difference in say, race mixing - some people prefer dating a person of a particular ethnicity outside of their own, yet there are some people that feel that dating outside of that is wrong.

I'm probably going to get some flack for that comparison and realize that I'm potentially opening a can of worms, but I honestly don't think it's much different when society can't wrap their heads around the idea that a man and a woman don't have to necessarily be symmetrical in their appearance. 

That's not to say that there aren't people that want what you're describing, but I do think that there can be a bit of a herd mentality for fear of being stigmatized for being honest in what they want in a partner.


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## Dromond (Mar 7, 2014)

I'm rather late to this thread, so I won't try to respond to any individual. Instead, I will offer up my own experiences in the dating world as a BHM who prefers BBWs.

This will sound like bragging, but it isn't: I've never had any trouble getting a date with a BBW when I've wanted one. Women in general naturally gravitate toward me. When I'm out shopping, for instance, strangers will approach me for no other reason than to talk to me. Almost always these people are women. I'm not totally sure why this is, but I think it has to do with the following: 1) I'm comfortable with myself, and it shows in my body language; 2) I am always clean and dressed well - even when I'm wearing casual clothes; 3 ) I usually wear a smile; 4) When approached, I'm always friendly unless given a reason to be otherwise.

*This matters to women!* If you are slouched, look like you hate yourself, and are poorly dressed, you're not going to get approached. And if you do the approaching, you'll get the cold shoulder. For the men who say "BBWs don't like BHMs," that's NEVER been my experience. Even when I was much larger than I am now, I never had that problem. You may call me lucky, but I don't think luck has much to do with it. I think attitude is the difference.


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## Tad (Mar 7, 2014)

Dromond--don't forget that you are also fundamentally a very handsome guy (putting aside questions of size-ism). I do agree with what you said as a general rule, but basic good looks matter too.


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## ScreamingChicken (Mar 7, 2014)

Dromond said:


> I'm rather late to this thread, so I won't try to respond to any individual. Instead, I will offer up my own experiences in the dating world as a BHM who prefers BBWs.
> 
> This will sound like bragging, but it isn't: I've never had any trouble getting a date with a BBW when I've wanted one. Women in general naturally gravitate toward me. When I'm out shopping, for instance, strangers will approach me for no other reason than to talk to me. Almost always these people are women. I'm not totally sure why this is, but I think it has to do with the following: 1) I'm comfortable with myself, and it shows in my body language; 2) I am always clean and dressed well - even when I'm wearing casual clothes; 3 ) I usually wear a smile; 4) When approached, I'm always friendly unless given a reason to be otherwise.
> 
> *This matters to women!* If you are slouched, look like you hate yourself, and are poorly dressed, you're not going to get approached. And if you do the approaching, you'll get the cold shoulder. For the men who say "BBWs don't like BHMs," that's NEVER been my experience. Even when I was much larger than I am now, I never had that problem. You may call me lucky, but I don't think luck has much to do with it. I think attitude is the difference.



This sounds like my experience as well. Almost verbatim.

The old phrase" how you carry yourself" plays in to the equation a lot.


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## Dromond (Mar 7, 2014)

Tad said:


> Dromond--don't forget that you are also fundamentally a very handsome guy (putting aside questions of size-ism). I do agree with what you said as a general rule, but basic good looks matter too.



I appreciate the compliment, but I don't think my looks count for much. Looks are superficial. Personality and attitude count for much more.


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## Tad (Mar 7, 2014)

Dromond said:


> I appreciate the compliment, but I don't think my looks count for much. Looks are superficial. Personality and attitude count for much more.



In the longer run, I agree with you (that is, once you know somebody). In getting to know people initially my opinion is that looks play a larger role than you are giving them credit for (not primary, but substantial) --but we don't have to agree on that.

(and of course, it can be hard to separate our factors--I'd say that people with 'good bones' have a history of people reacting favorably to them, so are more apt to expect good reactions, which can be a virtuous loop)

ETA: I don't mean this as a personal whine--while I've never been a 'chick magnet' whenever I've really wanted to get to know somebody, I've done OK, so I have no complaints. This is more my observations from a lot of people watching.


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## bigmac (Mar 7, 2014)

A question for Dromond and Screaming Chicken. As adults have either of you ever been what the larger society would deem an acceptable weight?

I've never really wanted for female companionship (i.e. never been more than six months without a girlfriend or at least a FWB). However, during my almost thin phases attracting women was much easier. Also, when I was thinner you wouldn't believe the amount of fat guy bashing I was privy to. For example on one first date I had a lady rant about how terrible her last date had been -- the guy hadn't told her how fat he was in advance -- an omission she took great offense too.


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## Dromond (Mar 7, 2014)

I've always been fat. I was overweight when born and have never been a so called ideal weight in my life.


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## bigmac (Mar 8, 2014)

Dromond said:


> I've always been fat. I was overweight when born and have never been a so called ideal weight in my life.



Just like people are unlikely to go off on a racist tirade if a dark skinned person is a party to the conversation -- people (including BBWs) are unlikely to bash fat guys in front of a fat guy.

People who didn't realize I'm half Hispanic have said some pretty racist shit in my presence. Likewise, during thinner phases, people have said some pretty hateful stuff about fat people (and fat guys in particular) in my presence.

In a way you've been lucky -- you've been spared glimpses into the darkness of some people's hearts.


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## Dromond (Mar 8, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Just like people are unlikely to go off on a racist tirade if a dark skinned person is a party to the conversation -- people (including BBWs) are unlikely to bash fat guys in front of a fat guy.
> 
> People who didn't realize I'm half Hispanic have said some pretty racist shit in my presence. Likewise, during thinner phases, people have said some pretty hateful stuff about fat people (and fat guys in particular) in my presence.
> 
> *In a way you've been lucky -- you've been spared glimpses into the darkness of some people's hearts.*



I'm going to be brutally blunt here: this is the dumbest statement I've read in ages, and I think I may have lost a few IQ points just reading it.


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## Donna (Mar 8, 2014)

...never mind.....


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## cinnamitch (Mar 8, 2014)

OMFG are you serious? Do you know how many of us have been dissed TO OUR FACES about being fat? We haven't been spared shit in life. YOU associate in some pretty stupid circles if they think it's ok to be racist. 



bigmac said:


> Just like people are unlikely to go off on a racist tirade if a dark skinned person is a party to the conversation -- people (including BBWs) are unlikely to bash fat guys in front of a fat guy.
> 
> People who didn't realize I'm half Hispanic have said some pretty racist shit in my presence. Likewise, during thinner phases, people have said some pretty hateful stuff about fat people (and fat guys in particular) in my presence.
> 
> In a way you've been lucky -- you've been spared glimpses into the darkness of some people's hearts.


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## bigmac (Mar 8, 2014)

cinnamitch said:


> OMFG are you serious? Do you know how many of us have been dissed TO OUR FACES about being fat? We haven't been spared shit in life. YOU associate in some pretty stupid circles if they think it's ok to be racist.



Never said its my friends who went off on racist tirades. Usually people I didn't have any choice but to be in proximity with.

Things may indeed be very different for women. Its likely people are quite a bit more circumspect with regard to fat comments when a scary 6'4" fat guy is a party to the conversation (regarding the scary part -- without ever inquiring I've been asked by bar and club managers if I'd like a job as a bouncer multiple times).


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## bigmac (Mar 8, 2014)

Dromond said:


> I'm going to be brutally blunt here: this is the dumbest statement I've read in ages, and I think I may have lost a few IQ points just reading it.




I like to maintain as positive attitude as possible. This would have been much easier if I hadn't heard all the shit I've heard. My estimation of people -- especially women -- would also likely be higher.


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## Dromond (Mar 8, 2014)

bigmac said:


> Never said its my friends who went off on racist tirades. Usually people I didn't have any choice but to be in proximity with.
> 
> Things may indeed be very different for women. Its likely people are quite a bit more circumspect with regard to fat comments when a scary 6'4" fat guy is a party to the conversation (regarding the scary part -- without ever inquiring I've been asked by bar and club managers if I'd like a job as a bouncer multiple times).



As a 5' 5" man who is not at all scary, nobody has been shy about insulting me to my face.


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## ScreamingChicken (Mar 8, 2014)

I've had a few stretches in my early 20's and again in my early 30's where the term acceptable weight could be applied.

I'm 6'2" with shoulder and arms from hell (my arm length is 38/39") and the bone structure of a boulder...I am just a naturally big guy. I have gotten as low as 175. I am now about 350ish. The weird thing is people are routinely stunned at how much I weigh. They routinely guess I am on average about 75-100 pounds lighter. It must be my bone density and muscle mass.

I have never had an issue with attracting females, regardless of where my weight was at the time. In fact, after my divorce and when I was at my highest weight, it was like fate was putting one woman after another in front of me. I think a good deal of the was me being crystal clear in what I was attracted to in a woman, from a personality and physical standpoint.

Now were there any thin or average women interested in me ? Perhaps but they probably saw the last line of my profile that stated I was interested in "BBWs, fat women, or whatever terminology you prefer" then moved on. The women who did respond liked the the fact that I was open about my preference without making it all about the fat.


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## superodalisque (Mar 8, 2014)

bigmac said:


> I like to maintain as positive attitude as possible. This would have been much easier if I hadn't heard all the shit I've heard. My estimation of people -- especially women -- would also likely be higher.




from what you've said here over time i think you have had some really awful experiences and that you've come across some awfully abusive messed up people. for what it's worth, i'm genuinely sorry you had to go through that. i think overall your heart is in the right place but your experiences have really messed with you. here's to having better people in the second half of your life.


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## Fat Molly (Mar 9, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> The situation being discussed contradicts this idea.
> 
> The situation being, BHM specifically being shunned by women at these events and then having their clothing being brought out as an excuse for this.
> 
> ...



Late in reading this thread - but I definitely can see a large number of BBW folk being sizeist. After all, just because you might celebrate BEING a BBW and have embraced YOURSELF as larger doesn't mean that you've evolved beyond all societal norms about size. 

I think unfortunately many BHM folk have come to these events hoping that individual size acceptance would translate to heterosexual-potential-partner-size-acceptance. It's a reasonable assumption to make, of course. 

But I do think that because it's so hard for women to overcome the societal stigma, perhaps it's "expecting too much too soon" (not that it actually is of course) for BBWs at large to extend the same size acceptance they're practicing to potential male partners. 

I mean, I think that seems like a reasonable analysis. Many BBWs, myself included, have currently or have had in the past a love-hate relationship with their fatness. It's in some ways logical for a BBW to want to partner with a smaller person. 

A couple reasons that occur to me are: a) to prevent future children from having the same 'fat genes,' as observed by someone else earlier in the thread

b) to prove that 'someone other than someone fat will find me attractive'

personally these days, I love me a BHM with a significant belly much more than an average-sized dude (same goes for women and gender nonconforming people I'm attracted to), but it's not always been that way. In my diaries from a teenager, I wrote that I specifically wanted to partner with someone rod-thin, despite all of my boyfriends in that period being BHMs who were self-conscious about their weight. All of my childhood heroes were rod-thin. Thinness was the thing I most desperately sought after. And that's what I wanted in my partner, as a result. 

point is: BHMs on this thread, you're right, this is stigma, and blaming this behavior on clothing or what-have-you is occluding the points you're making. 

and also: BBWs who are not into large people, that's totally okay. you don't have to force yourself to be turned on by someone that you're not turned on to. HOWEVER, I would encourage you to extend your conceptualizations of 'who I would go on a date with' to include BHMs if possible. 

There's this thing that my disabled partner and I have been talking about lately - partnering privilege. Please read this great blog post about what it is and kinda what it means. 

http://captain-sonic.tumblr.com/post/2829003067/unloved-unlovable-partnering-privilege-and-the-lack

“There’s someone out there for everyone, I really believe that,” my friend Sara tells me all the time. It’s easy to believe, I suppose, when you’re a heterosexual cisgender woman who is beautiful in all the conventional ways (and many non-conventional ones, I should add). For some people, though, that “someone” doesn’t exist. They are not “out there”. Or if they are, the synchronization of time and place and availability make a union mathematically improbable (at best). “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” is another old and really terrible cliche. Again, that’s true if you’re heterosexual and cisgender and “normal” in all the other ways our culture says you should be. But start taking those labels away, and that sea gets smaller. Take enough of them away, and you’re functionally fishing out of puddle. There may not be any fish at all in it, and if there are, you damn well better make good on the one you catch, because there won’t likely be another."

My partner succinctly put it:* "partnering privilege is the baseline probability that someone of your preferred gender and age range and size etc. will even consider you as a partner, or if they will write you off *before even interacting with you*"*

it's a new concept. granted 'privilege' is kinda a hot-button word amongst Social Justice circles these days, and almost everyone is framing things in terms of power and privilege, sometimes unjustly, but I think this concept is one that could stand the test of time. it definitely seems to describe what is happening here.

granted, I think I'm a bit sizeist when it comes to SSBHMs/SSBBWs/SSBgender nonconforming people. while I view SSBHMs etc. as incredibly sexy, the likelihood of me wanting to engage in a long-term relationship with an SSBHM etc. is low because I make the automatic assumption that an SSBHM etc. is going to be at risk of a great many more health issues than a BHM etc. who is mobile and living life as they please and while overeating or even slowly gaining still taking pains to ensure longevity through means like regular vigorous exercise etc. I don't think that that's what's going on here with the BBW community as described, but it bears observing my bias in this way. and * my partnering privilege* is that for a variety of reasons (being a short white 22 year old highly educated hetero-passing female in a major metropolitan area with some tummy but otherwise quite conventionally hot) I basically never need to compromise in choosing a mate; I could if I wanted date only tall "athletic" white males with PhDs who are legacy Ivy-Leaguers. But I don't want that. So I make a pointed effort to overcome my partnering privilege by paying attention to people who are disadvantaged in partnering privilege and, when I'm considering people for dates, not excluding them based on things that decrease their partnering privilege.


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## bigmac (Mar 9, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> from what you've said here over time i think you have had some really awful experiences and that you've come across some awfully abusive messed up people. for what it's worth, i'm genuinely sorry you had to go through that. i think overall your heart is in the right place but your experiences have really messed with you. here's to having better people in the second half of your life.



Like I said I try to be as positive as possible -- and I haven't had all negative experiences -- I've met lots of good people over the years.

Also, the last several years have been going pretty well -- I have a new wife and two young kids (in addition to the original set).


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## Fat Molly (Mar 9, 2014)

ScreamingChicken said:


> I've had a few stretches in my early 20's and again in my early 30's where the term acceptable weight could be applied.
> 
> I'm 6'2" with shoulder and arms from hell (my arm length is 38/39") and the bone structure of a boulder...I am just a naturally big guy. I have gotten as low as 175. I am now about 350ish. The weird thing is people are routinely stunned at how much I weigh. They routinely guess I am on average about 75-100 pounds lighter. It must be my bone density and muscle mass.
> 
> ...



Awesome. Thanks for mentioning your experience.


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