# Sexual abuse and obesity



## Beckoo (Jul 23, 2008)

I have read about the connection between the two for years and wondered how accurate it was or is? I was sexually abused and to this day struggle with it's aftermath. Am I fat because I need a shield of some sort or is it as simple as I love food? I hate my body and I hate that I hate it  Do I hate myself because I am fat or is it the abused girl talking. All the years in and out of therapy and I am still fucked up. I was so happy when I found this website because I am so tired of being ashamed of being fat. But I haven't gotten it yet! I thought I could learn to at least acccept this aspect of myself and half the battle would be won. Why can't I just accept it? Why can't I be like the ladies here who have so much pride? I read the posts and try to take a little of everything you all are saying and I still am ashamed. I want to walk with my head up. I hope this isn't coming across as a poor me post. I need and want advice. I want to be.......positive and proactive. I want to be involved in life. I have been sitting by all these years watching others live and using my weight as an excuse to hide. I would love to know when I am going to have some sort of epiphany and finally realize that I am worthy. I guess I will have to keep on working on it. Sorry for rambling. Rebecca


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## Kareda (Jul 24, 2008)

Excellent discussion idea. May be good for a poll too.

(((hugs))) I was sexually abused as well, and although I have never really thought about it attributing to my weight,but perhaps it did. The realization of what happened to me when I was younger is no longer a struggle, I actually feel strong to have survived it. 

I do think my self esteem issues revolve around my father- who always told me I was fat- fell "in love with" my 13 year old thin best friend- drooled over and gave all his attention to all my thin girl friends. Not that I wanted my father to want my friends or myself- I certainly did not feel worthy of his attention (non sexual) because I was not thin. The ages all this happened was between 13-17 and well thats a tricky time for kids. I went through so much with dealing that my dad in fact was a molester and the constant bashing he did towards my weight as well as my grandmother doing the same- did a number on my self esteem. 

I think for me, the SA screwed up my sexuality- growing up being attracted to men- but afraid of them sexually I turned to girls. I felt safer. My husband is actually the only man Ive been with and I knew he was the one because the first moment we met I felt safe in his arms and no longer afraid.

But yet here I am 10 years later...and still struggling with Self esteem despite being told I am loved every day and told how beautiful I am everyday I still don't feel I am beautiful and certainly not worthy. I too, am waiting for the epiphany- hoping its not too far away.


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## Bountiful1966 (Jul 24, 2008)

I really totally understand where youre coming from. I went through the same thing in my childhood. Even in my marriage, my now ex husband not only physically and emotionally abused me, but he also sexually abused me too. When I found out he had been cheating on my, I basically gave up with him. But since we were still married, he said it was "my wifely duty to satisfy him" So he "took it" twice. Deep down I know i am worthy and you are too but knowing and believing it are two different things. I am really trying not to let it run my life and at times it works then other times I meet a man i really like and as much as I want too, I cannot let myself get romantically involved with him. I am afraid that someday that right man will come along and i am too scared to open that door. To meet someone who is patient, and understanding is rare out there these days. Thats why i love this board. People here are accepting and respectful for the most part. I feel like I have found a home her and I hope you have too. I wish you the best of luck and love and I hope you find that peace we both have inside of us and are apt to find and soon. God bless you.


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

I posted on another board that I felt that having been raped twice contributed to becoming my own feeder when i was younger..in part because it made me feel that i would be less attractive to rapists. So i know that it played a part in my own experience.

I'm not sure what type of abuse you dealt with, but i've had my own share as well. From the rapes to physical abuse for almost 15 of my growing up years. I felt like a victim for a very long time. I was very angry and would lash out at people daily. There were many nights when i was younger that i would just bawl my eyes out wondering why my life wasn't what i wanted it to be. Sometime in my mid twenties i had a revelation..ok, it wasn't really a revelation. I guess that some of the stuff i'd heard over the years finally sunk in. One night i *literally* decided that i wasn't going to be unhappy and angry anymore. I decided to take control of my life. I decided that those past events weren't going to control my future any longer. I mean..really.. i made a choice. It was a difficult transformation at first, because it's hard to get out of old habits, but it definitely can be done...i know, i did it. 

I decided that i liked the person that i am...and i wouldn't be the person that i am if these things had not happened to me. They made me strong.. they made me more compassionate towards others in pain.. they put me in a place to where i could help others. I also said in another post that happiness is a state of mind...we have to decide and choose to be happy. I understand that bad shit happens, but I'm also a spiritual person and believe that everything happens for a reason...even though i may not be able to see that reason at the moment. 

If you have a flat tire and you're going to be late for work...well, isn't it better to have a flat tire than wind up in a horrific car accident? Or... if you wind up in a horrific car accident isn't it better than dying? I mean.. there's always a way to find the good in something if you just look for it. Find some meaning in your abuse and what good can come from it and how you can help others who are dealing with the same pain...Confidence comes from within. You have to get to know yourself and love yourself inside before you can begin to really love yourself outside.

Please feel free to message me if you'd like to talk more


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## Beckoo (Jul 24, 2008)

Thank you both for sharing. I honestly don't know what to say. I never had anybody actually respond back with similar backgrounds when I have brought it up before. I feel stumped and relieved at the same time. I wish neither of you had to suffer but I also don't feel so alone. Take care of yourselves. Rebecca


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## Bountiful1966 (Jul 24, 2008)

Dont ever feel alone and if you ever need to chat, feel free to msg me anytime. Sometimes we need to know we are not alone to pull through troubled times. And sorry about all my typos lol its been a long day lol


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## Beckoo (Jul 24, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> I posted on another board that I felt that having been raped twice contributed to becoming my own feeder when i was younger..in part because it made me feel that i would be less attractive to rapists. So i know that it played a part in my own experience.
> 
> I'm not sure what type of abuse you dealt with, but i've had my own share as well. From the rapes to physical abuse for almost 15 of my growing up years. I felt like a victim for a very long time. I was very angry and would lash out at people daily. There were many nights when i was younger that i would just bawl my eyes out wondering why my life wasn't what i wanted it to be. Sometime in my mid twenties i had a revelation..ok, it wasn't really a revelation. I guess that some of the stuff i'd heard over the years finally sunk in. One night i *literally* decided that i wasn't going to be unhappy and angry anymore. I decided to take control of my life. I decided that those past events weren't going to control my future any longer. I mean..really.. i made a choice. It was a difficult transformation at first, because it's hard to get out of old habits, but it definitely can be done...i know, i did it.
> 
> ...



I am trying that now. Every morning I tell myself I am going to do this or that. I get frustrated and I have a lot of anger. I know the anger is burning me up inside. One day I will have a complete feeling of happiness. Hopefully? Thank you for offering to talk. I might just take you up on that. Rebecca

Oh yeah, I see we are neighbors. I live in Biloxi.


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

oh awesome!! well maybe one day we can talk over coffee lol



Beckoo said:


> Oh yeah, I see we are neighbors. I live in Biloxi.


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## Beckoo (Jul 24, 2008)

Bountiful1966 said:


> Dont ever feel alone and if you ever need to chat, feel free to msg me anytime. Sometimes we need to know we are not alone to pull through troubled times. And sorry about all my typos lol its been a long day lol



I feel as though I am going to cry. In a good way. Thank you for your offer of friendship. Rebecca


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## Beckoo (Jul 24, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> oh awesome!! well maybe one day we can talk over coffee lol



That would be great. I have to tell you I am very socially awkward :wubu:


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

it's impossible to be socially akward around me ...i cut up too much and act silly lol



Beckoo said:


> That would be great. I have to tell you I am very socially awkward :wubu:


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## Bagalute (Jul 24, 2008)

Beckoo said:


> I have read about the connection between the two for years and wondered how accurate it was or is?



I'm sorry for all of you who have had to experience horrible things like this. 

The studies I came across while writing a college paper are inconclusive. Some see the connection, others don't (personally, I find it plausible, not to mention that Melissa and others confirm this theory). If you're interested I can dig through my digital files whenever I find the time and send you the texts (I'm not sure whether all of them are in english).


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## bexy (Jul 24, 2008)

i was told by my counsellor that i made myself fat because i was abused, to try to prevent myself from being found sexually attractive. i was very angry at this suggestion. i can see where she is coming from, but not everything is textbook. i am fat cos i am fat, i eat too much, exercise too little, have big bones whatever. i am not fat cos my grandfather was a bastard.


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

I would've been offended had any therapist *told* me i did anything as a result of another thing. I was very fortunate and any counselling i had when i was younger was very gentle. They might would suggest something here and there but they allowed me to lead the flow..of course, i never stuck with any of it for long periods of time at once..so maybe i didn't give them a chance.

I'm also fat for a myriad of reasons...not just any one reason of any kind. Though for some of us, abuse can play a part in it. I know there's also a part of me that would feel like i was getting back at my diet conscious physically abusive mother by sneaking a McMeal in my car. There's also thyroid issues, having a father who is an unadmitted feeder...and general gluttonous behavior as well lol Plus other reasons that i probably can't even think of at 6am in the morning hehe



bexylicious said:


> i was told by my counsellor that i made myself fat because i was abused, to try to prevent myself from being found sexually attractive. i was very angry at this suggestion. i can see where she is coming from, but not everything is textbook. i am fat cos i am fat, i eat too much, exercise too little, have big bones whatever. i am not fat cos my grandfather was a bastard.


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## bexy (Jul 24, 2008)

i still struggle with the abuse, and my whole childhood in general. but i worry more about what it has done to me mentally than physically. i beleive in my heart having always been a big girl, from puberty i was always plus size, that i am meant to be big.
however mentally, i suffer from great paranoia, i always think if someones upset it must be my fault. low self esteem in the fact that i never think im good enough or nice enough to be someones friend. anxiety, great nervousness and unadulterated worrying.

i also struggled for a long time with the fact that while i have only slept with 2 men, i very much enjoy sex. i work in the adult industry, am adventurous and proud of my body and sometimes it hits me that after what happened, maybe i shouldnt be. maybe i should hate sex and i shouldn't want a man near me after what happened. which is silly i know.

horrible experiences like abuse impact people in different ways though.


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## bigsexy920 (Jul 24, 2008)

Sexually abused as a child - Obese as a woman. I do think there is a connection - food and fat were my way of coping I guess. I think Sexual abuse has affected me more in the "relationship" with men area in that, not all men love you unconditionally just because you have sex with them. 

I dont think I struggle with my abuse. Ive been told I'm "well adjusted" Im not sure what that means. 

I have long forgiven the person that was my abuser and I actually loved him very much in my adult years.


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## Ruffie (Jul 24, 2008)

I know after much self examination that my fat is my protection. I grew up emotionally abused, nothing I did was ever good enough and so you learn to retreat into yourself. My fat insulates me from truly dealing with the issues at hand. If someone doesn't like me I can blame that on my weight. If a man is not attracted to me I can blame it on my weight, a job interviewer doesn't hire me again my weight. I know his because the only time in my whole life I was truly happy and relatively stress free I put the work in and lost 75lbs. During my first pregnacy I experienced major trauma at the hands of in laws and then he was born and we dealt with colic. More family issues and a second pregnancy and many stressful evnets in our lives has led me to be a person who doesn't eat as she should nor exercise as often as she should. When things are coming at you from all directions, family, tough times at home and work you do in my mind need some insulation. I do that with food and the size of my body. I recognize it but apparently not ready to deal with it yet. I have grown in my confidence, my strength, my ability to forgive and love, and one day I may have the ability to lose the last sheild. However as a fat woman I do want the ability to live a full and happy life and will defend my fight to look as I do and be accepted as I am.
Ruth


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## Rowan (Jul 24, 2008)

Thank you for coming out and saying this...definitely a good topic, and hopefully you know you will be supported here 

I know exactly how you feel as I went through stuff myself. I definitely think that SA and food consumption (or with some, lack there of) are definitely linked. For me, it happened when i was 7 and I can look back at pictures of me around and before that time and I was thin as any normal little girl. After the abuse, I started to get chubby and over my life I got fat. I not only was fat, but I threw up after almost every meal (not intentionally...just happened), and am still that way to this very day most the time. At 14 I also started to self injure, and I can still remember clear as day the very first time I did it. I think that abuse can bring on a whole host of problems, but with the grace of god...I've learned to deal better as I've gotten older. While I still have my bad days, I think i've learned how to cope much better than some people who have suffered the same kind of abuses, so I am definitely thankful for that.

*big hugs to everyone else who's been through the same*


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 24, 2008)

bexylicious said:


> i was told by my counsellor that i made myself fat because i was abused, to try to prevent myself from being found sexually attractive. i was very angry at this suggestion. i can see where she is coming from, but not everything is textbook. i am fat cos i am fat, i eat too much, exercise too little, have big bones whatever. i am not fat cos my grandfather was a bastard.



I'm as you are Bexy. I wasn't so much abused. I was surrounded by leering dirty old bastards though who scared the shit out of me. I don't think being fat is connected to that at all. Some of the worst abuse I got was *because* I was fat. Hormones, eating habits, genes, wanton indifference - you can point to any of those as reasons and be on the money. Even if I lived a sweet life of nurtured innocence I don't think it would have made a difference. I'd probably be fatter to be honest.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 24, 2008)

Sexually abused - fat all my life.


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## Emma (Jul 24, 2008)

Just another one here raising my hand to say i was also sexually abused as a child. I've always been fat too. I don't know if it is anything to do with the abuse. I don't like to think that it bothered me too much, but who knows how these things go in our heads?

I'm honestly appauled that so many women here have had to suffer this.


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## AlethaBBW (Jul 24, 2008)

I know there are valid medical reasons for my size, including hypothyroid, but...I do wonder if the abuse and violations played a role in my "overconsumption" tendencies. I think they probably did, but I'll probably never have the answer.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 24, 2008)

CurvyEm said:


> Just another one here raising my hand to say i was also sexually abused as a child. I've always been fat too. I don't know if it is anything to do with the abuse. I don't like to think that it bothered me too much, but who knows how these things go in our heads?
> 
> I'm honestly appauled that so many women here have had to suffer this.



Me too and a little freaked out as well. Makes me want to purchase a water pistol full of gasoline and a book of matches for every single one of my nieces and nephews this Christmas.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Jul 24, 2008)

You can add my name to the hat being passed around right now too.  

I don't talk about it much. Never really thought of the connection. I too am floored to see how many of us there are. 

However, thinking about it, not just sexual abuse, but verbal and physical as well. Food was a comfort thing. But I dunno, when I was younger, when things were going on, I wasn't as overweight as I am now.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 24, 2008)

I was sexually abused as well. I've also been fat for my whole life. I don't think the abuse had anything to do with my weight though. My whole family is fat, and I did the whole therapy thing, my weight never came up.


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## HottiMegan (Jul 24, 2008)

I was abused for a number of years whenever i'd visit a particular relative. I have no idea if it had anything to do with my destructive behaviors. I was always destructive to myself as a child (and well into adulthood) Not just food but things like hitting myself and cutting. I never really thought about the abuse. I just loathed myself for a very long time. I don't comfort eat so much anymore but have to fight other self destructive behaviors on a near daily basis.
I was pretty normal sized until i hit 7 and my mom put me on a diet, that gave me an unhealthy relationship with food. So not sure if it was the sexual abuse or the fact that food was forbidden at a tender age to make me fat.


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## bexy (Jul 24, 2008)

i am completely overwhelmed at the amount of ladies here who have suffered sexual abuse. its astonishing. in my daily life i have never, ever met anyone else who was abused. 

the fact that we are all coming out here now and saying this may point towards there being a connection between abuse and weight. but the same can be said of a connection between abuse and anorexia, or bulimia or self destructive behaviour. its how an individual deals with it i guess.


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## Victim (Jul 24, 2008)

This is scaring the crap out of me. I'm not prepared to disclose the reason, it just is...


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## CuriousKitten (Jul 24, 2008)

This is an interesting topic.

I'm a FFA and I don't consider myself to be fat. I was sexually abused by a very thin guy when I was younger, right around the time I would have been coming into my own sexuality. I always wondered if that pushed me towards liking larger men or if I was preprogrammed that way. Logically, it's all very illogical. I'm sure it's far easier to be pinned down by a BHM than a thin guy but for some reason I find BHMs less threatening.


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## Tad (Jul 24, 2008)

Some people tend to eat more in response to stress, and stress also seems to affect how we deal with insulin, where we put on fat, etc. (some people also eat less when stressed, we humans deal with stress in all sorts of crazy ways).

Hence, totally aside from the (conscious or unconscious) desire to get fat as a way to avoid or protect against abuse, some people who have been abused and as a result suffer more stress may be more likely to get fat, and possibly to put on fat in different ways than they might have without that extra stress.

Just a thought.


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## snuggletiger (Jul 24, 2008)

I just feel bad that so many people had to go through being abused.


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## Kareda (Jul 24, 2008)

Beckoo said:


> Thank you both for sharing. I honestly don't know what to say. I never had anybody actually respond back with similar backgrounds when I have brought it up before. I feel stumped and relieved at the same time. I wish neither of you had to suffer but I also don't feel so alone. Take care of yourselves. Rebecca



Rebecca- anytime. Although I would never wish SA on anyone, Im at least glad that you have somewhere to turn here. Everyone here is so supportive and I know for myself, Ill be here if you ever need to talk.


As for the rest of the posts  Im in shock over the correlation between SA and being fat. I guess I never really thought of it like that- I had far too many other things to "blame" my weight on- but looking back- I did start gaining after it happened (kindergarten) maybe it did.



LillyBBBW said:


> Me too and a little freaked out as well. Makes me want to purchase a water pistol full of gasoline and a book of matches for every single one of my nieces and nephews this Christmas.



I know the feeling I have a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old both girls. They were never in daycare- because thats where it happened to me. Im very cautious of who I let around the girls and I dont think I have ever left them alone with any male- besides my husband. Sleepovers generally happen at my house so I can "guarantee" their safety. 

Its a sick, sad world out there- and if you go by everyone here- the SA happened what 10-20-30 years ago, imo there are more monsters out there now then ever before. 


And to everyone ((Hugs)) for sharing.


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## ThikJerseyChik (Jul 24, 2008)

I come from a long line of women in my family who have been sexually abused...and we are ALL survivors...and fat.

Chik


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

I understand this feeling.....

When i first started my website i felt the same way. Then i started analyzing it. I remember when i was around 10 years old i had exhibitionist type tendencies. So i figure that's a natural part of me being that these started before any of the physical abuse, being that my mother started that at around 11 years old (and yes, if you do the math that means she did it into my 20's). The rapes happened when i was 15 and 16. I've come to the conclusion that I would have wanted a website even if i hadn't dealt with the rapes. Though i also think that the website allows me to feel as if i'm taking "control" in some way too. I'm expressing my sexuality in the way that *I* want to express it and nobody can force me to do it any other way than in the way i want. 



bexylicious said:


> i work in the adult industry, am adventurous and proud of my body and sometimes it hits me that after what happened, maybe i shouldnt be.


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## Elfcat (Jul 24, 2008)

If the events are ordered in the way that is usually done, then it does imply that fatness arises as a form of protection. But what if that ordering is not accurate? What if it is sometimes the other way around? We know precocious puberty is also something pretty common in larger girls. My first wife told me that in the sixth grade she was taller than her teacher, and often got mistaken at age 13 for a full-grown woman. So in that sense, being large might not be such a shield at all, and might indeed put someone at risk for sexual attention, mistaken or otherwise, out of sync with the recipient's actual age.


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

You're probably correct...but tell that to a young girl who grows up hearing that fat is unattractive. I know that subconsciously this is more than likely what i did. I can look back and see how that would've come about with the thought processes. Of course, i was already fat anyway...i just got fattER. I do know that my age group considered me very fat...I also know that i received attention from older men as well, which may have put me at risk for other problems. I'm not sure...i never thought about that overly much.

My best friends parents had a friend who would continually ask me out..i was 19 and around 260 pounds...he was 36...i kept trying to politely tell him no. He later wound up stalking me and then ramming the front door of my parents house at 3am trying to "get me"...and those were the exact words he used. He said he was going to get me. My mother yelled that she was going to shoot him and shot the gun up in the air out the window...he left. My Uncle was a police officer at the time. We had my best friends parents tell this guy if he ever bothered me again that he would either wind up dead or my Uncle would plant drugs in his car and he'd go to prison for a very long time. We never saw him again...

Another instance me and two girlfriends were followed out of a club by 3 men who had been aggressive all night towards me in particular. We wound up having to go back into the club and sure enough..the men followed us back in. We had to get the bouncer to keep them inside while we left. This was actually a breaking point for me. Kinda the straw that broke the camels back. For a while i was actually scared to leave the house and all i could do was cry. I was around 23 years old i think...My dad and sister finally sat down with me and said that they couldn't live with me like that. That's when i finally dealt with a lot of the issues i had and realized i couldn't allow myself to live in fear.

Some men wonder why some women can be "bitches" but these types of scenarios are the reasons for some of it. And believe me...these are just a couple of stories out of my lifetime. I could keep going...but my point is, there are times when i feel like i have to be overly aggressive and be a "bitch" in order to keep myself safe. 

It's really a wonder some of us aren't scared to death of men lol



Elfcat said:


> So in that sense, being large might not be such a shield at all, and might indeed put someone at risk for sexual attention, mistaken or otherwise, out of sync with the recipient's actual age.


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## gildalive (Jul 24, 2008)

At least for me there was/is... It's not so much that I think the fat makes me less attractive to attackers, but being bigger makes me feel a little more powerful. Although I've always wanted to lose weight, thinking about being thinner and therefore smaller freaks me out. It's not that I think I'm as strong as most guys are, but being substantial is somehow comforting. 

It was only in therapy this year that I realized my weight had ballooned when I was 12 after my brother started threatening me sexually. I fended him off (he was older, but I'm willing to use sincere death threats when warranted), but I think the weight was another layer of protection for me that I've stuck with ever since. Of course all the women in my mom's family are big, so I think it's nature as well as fucked up nurture. 

Anyone else out there familiar with the book Fat is a Feminist Issue? It goes into a lot of this stuff.


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## aheartofstars (Jul 24, 2008)

Survivors of abuse or rape often have issues with control. Some may turn to sex, which is why many people in pornography often have a history of sexual abuse, but others may turn to food as seen with disorders such as anorexia. If you have been abused, therapy with a psychologist will help you deal with things. It is okay to be fat, and it is okay to enjoy food, but if you are over-eating as a means of coping with your abuse or as a means of controlling it than that isn't healthy for you emotionally. I am a survivor of abuse, and I know that I use eating in a negative way. Therapy has been helpful, and I am starting to learn how to not use foods as a means of comfort and control.


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

oh wow...i'm gonna have to get this book. Thank you for mentioning it

*edit* oh wait...it's a diet book?



gildalive said:


> Anyone else out there familiar with the book Fat is a Feminist Issue? It goes into a lot of this stuff.


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## largenlovely (Jul 24, 2008)

As i said, i fully believe I would've had the website (which is considered pornographic) regardless of having dealt with rapes. I was showing exhibitionist tendencies as young as 10 years old and had no type of abuse at that age. I believe that the website also enforces a feeling of control yes, but i don't think i have it as a direct result of sexual abuse. 

I personally didn't realize that I was likely gaining extra weight in response to sexual abuse..being that i was young. I am only able to recognize it in retrospect. I've paid my own dues in therapy lol...as has the OP. Therapy helps and i highly recommend it, but i think a forum like this will help as well...being that we can all relate to one another. One person may be more advanced in their awareness and will enlighten another who may be a bit behind them. 

I also feel that a person will forever be affected in some manner by these types of abuses. It's a matter of recognizing the ways in which you're affected and either changing the behaviors...or recognizing a behavior and accepting it as something you don't want to change. 



aheartofstars said:


> Survivors of abuse or rape often have issues with control. Some may turn to sex, which is why many people in pornography often have a history of sexual abuse, but others may turn to food as seen with disorders such as anorexia. If you have been abused, therapy with a psychologist will help you deal with things. It is okay to be fat, and it is okay to enjoy food, but if you are over-eating as a means of coping with your abuse or as a means of controlling it than that isn't healthy for you emotionally. I am a survivor of abuse, and I know that I use eating in a negative way. Therapy has been helpful, and I am starting to learn how to not use foods as a means of comfort and control.


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## aheartofstars (Jul 24, 2008)

I don't think that all people into pornography are survivors of abuse. I definitely think the internet can be a great way to gain support. I was 17 when I first started to deal with my abuse, and the internet helped me for years, but I think therapy is needed for maximum recovery for most people. I also agree that abuse will always have an effect on a survivor's life no matter what they do, but it is up to the survivor whether or not it is a positive effect or a negative one.


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## gildalive (Jul 24, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> oh wow...i'm gonna have to get this book. Thank you for mentioning it
> 
> *edit* oh wait...it's a diet book?



I guess it's technically a diet book, but really the only diet they suggest is that you eat what you want as long as you really want it and you're not using the food to cover up something else. It talks a lot (through case studies) about how fat functions for people. I don't really think it's offensive in terms of size acceptance. They specifically say that the weight you end up at is most likely not going to be society's ideal weight. And it's short, so I think it's worth straining out what you don't agree with because of the relevant stuff. Food for thought, you know? Bad pun. Bad, bad, pun.


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## Beckoo (Jul 25, 2008)

This is like a nightmare. The fact that so many have responded with similar situations is very scary. I am supposing that the actual reported numbers are way, way higher than they have ever thought. I hope I didn't bring up any sadness by starting this thread. Food has not always been my outlet. I have done many things to hurt myself over the years. I am by all means not saying I am fat just because of the abuse. I do sometimes punish myself with food. I do also love food and enjoy it very much. I also love sex and loathe it at the same time. I went through a very promiscuous time and I also used to be a cutter. I just never knew and still don't know how to get rid of this f*cking anger!!!! I don't know how to relieve it. I have tried therapy and medications and self abuse. What do I do so I can be free of this and have my life? The anger is like a growth that is filling me up and sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. Once again if I made anyone upset I am so sorry. Take care, Rebecca


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## Kareda (Jul 25, 2008)

((hugs)) and I understand the self abuse as I was a cutter as well- though I have not since 1998. ( I may throw a punch or dig my nails into myself from time to time but not very often ) 

I wish I had the answer on how to stop, but I dont. For me, I actually started a sexual harassment education in my school and through that helped a few girls come to terms and get help with rapes and molestation. Helping others helped me- but many times your not given that opportunity. It also helped that in 98 I met my husband who would hold me down in the middle of the night when an attack came on and tell me everything was going to be okay. I was very lucky because my life would have spiraled downward if he did not come into my life. 

I guess my best advice is to talk about it. Surround yourself with people that you can trust and who support you- I hope you have that at home and if not, I hope you find it here. 

And dont worry about getting anyone upset. I think people would not be posting if its not something they were open to discussing. Again, (((Hugs)))


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## olwen (Jul 25, 2008)

Beckoo said:


> This is like a nightmare. The fact that so many have responded with similar situations is very scary. I am supposing that the actual reported numbers are way, way higher than they have ever thought. I hope I didn't bring up any sadness by starting this thread. Food has not always been my outlet. I have done many things to hurt myself over the years. I am by all means not saying I am fat just because of the abuse. I do sometimes punish myself with food. I do also love food and enjoy it very much. I also love sex and loathe it at the same time. I went through a very promiscuous time and I also used to be a cutter. I just never knew and still don't know how to get rid of this f*cking anger!!!! I don't know how to relieve it. I have tried therapy and medications and self abuse. What do I do so I can be free of this and have my life? The anger is like a growth that is filling me up and sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. Once again if I made anyone upset I am so sorry. Take care, Rebecca



Boxing. Seriously. Take a boxing class, or just find someone with a punching bag that they can let you use. I've done that before and I found it kind of cathartic. And don't feel bad about starting this thread. I'm actually touched and surprised that so many have contributed.


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## aheartofstars (Jul 25, 2008)

I believe the statistics are 1 in 4 women will be sexually abused or raped. (Don't quote me on that, but I am relatively certain it is close to that number) It is also estimated to be higher since most incidences go unreported. The number is lower for men, but still relatively high and it is suspected that even more of those cases are under reported. 

I know how you feel. I used to be relatively self destructive and the anger, oh boy, but I honestly can say I am doing very well. If you ever need to talk about things, feel free to message me privately. I believe my IM is in my profile.


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## Victim (Jul 25, 2008)

I guess I should come out with it. I know someone who was a cutter, but was never told a specific reason for their self abuse. She promised herself never to do it again. I don't know if there was any sexual abuse, I'm not going to ask now. 

She is a very wonderful person. I'm not sure how I feel to be an admirer of something that may at least indirectly be a side effect of sexual abuse. It doesn't change the way I feel about this person, just myself. Now I'm scared and confused.


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## aheartofstars (Jul 25, 2008)

There are several other reasons for self-harm. The person didn't have to be sexually abused. It doesn't even mean that they necessarily experienced a trauma of any sort. People self-injure because they feel like they need to punish themselves. It is a form of release from stress and anxiety.


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## largenlovely (Jul 25, 2008)

I wish i could tell you what will work for you...all i can do is tell you what worked for me. 

As i said, i made a decision to not be angry anymore..that decision was the first step for me. I decided that i was going to eliminate people in my life who caused drama..that was a good first step. I started letting people know that if they upset me regularly, then they would no longer be a part of my life. I wound up letting a lot of "friends" go just from that alone. I really just started shaping my life into what i wanted it to be...making the changes that needed to be made. 

I made the decision that my past was not going to control my future and i wouldn't dwell on those thoughts. I hate to sound like a "self help" book, but positive thinking really can change your life. Our perspective on things is what affects our moods a lot of times. There are always outside influences out of our control...but our REACTION to those things are within our control. We can choose how we react to anything...not to say there aren't times i lose control and become angry lol, but i do my best to maintain if at all humanly possible. I also think a good sense of humor is seriously important. Trying to see the positive and humorous side of things will help a lot as well  

Though..i think the first and most important step is making a conscious decision to make your life a happier place and get rid of the anger. Then think of ways in which you can make this happen. At first it takes some work.. like i said, old habits are hard to break, but really...seriously... you can do it. Eventually it becomes second nature 





Beckoo said:


> I just never knew and still don't know how to get rid of this f*cking anger!!!! I don't know how to relieve it. I have tried therapy and medications and self abuse. What do I do so I can be free of this and have my life? The anger is like a growth that is filling me up and sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. Once again if I made anyone upset I am so sorry. Take care, Rebecca


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## largenlovely (Jul 25, 2008)

thank you  i'll make sure to check it out and put it on my *to-read* list 



gildalive said:


> I guess it's technically a diet book, but really the only diet they suggest is that you eat what you want as long as you really want it and you're not using the food to cover up something else. It talks a lot (through case studies) about how fat functions for people. I don't really think it's offensive in terms of size acceptance. They specifically say that the weight you end up at is most likely not going to be society's ideal weight. And it's short, so I think it's worth straining out what you don't agree with because of the relevant stuff. Food for thought, you know? Bad pun. Bad, bad, pun.


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## mrskeet (Jul 25, 2008)

I say keep your head up and stay strong. I can't understand how any man can beat up on a woman or rape her. Me I'm a cool shy Black man who would never do some crap like that. A woman is precious and loving a lot of guys treat their woman bad and I see that and i be like thats stupid and crazy they need to realize that a woman is the glue to a man's heart. I wish I had a lady it's the best feeling in the world to have a good woman at your side being a couple supporting each other loving each other. When a man get a woman in his life thats a gift from God he has to cherish her with loving care. Me I would never punch a woman sure every couple argue once in a while but as for punching a woman or sexual abuse that will never happen with me I'm not down with that it's plain stupid and dumb and to any man who do they are really stupid and immature.


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## LisaInNC (Jul 25, 2008)

I was not sexually or physically abused as a child but these stories are exactly why I am such a fighter for childrens rights and get so pissed when I hear these things. I am very sorry this happened to you ladies and would like to kill the people who did this to yall. 
MY therapist thinks I am fat and such a bitch because I want guys to stay away from me because I am subconsciously scared I will end up like my mother. Makes sense. I think its a combination of her diagnosis and the fact that I love to eat. :eat2:


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## ThikJerseyChik (Jul 25, 2008)

aheartofstars said:


> I believe the statistics are 1 in 4 women will be sexually abused or raped. (Don't quote me on that, but I am relatively certain it is close to that number) It is also estimated to be higher since most incidences go unreported. The number is lower for men, but still relatively high and it is suspected that even more of those cases are under reported.



Men don't talk about their abuse...there is a very good book out there called "Abused Boys" that I read years ago...I couldn't get through a page without crying. There still is a HUGE number of unreported cases of sexual abuse in all areas of the world. It's the unspoken atrocity.


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## KendraLee (Jul 25, 2008)

Beckoo said:


> This is like a nightmare. The fact that so many have responded with similar situations is very scary. I am supposing that the actual reported numbers are way, way higher than they have ever thought. I hope I didn't bring up any sadness by starting this thread. Food has not always been my outlet. I have done many things to hurt myself over the years. I am by all means not saying I am fat just because of the abuse. I do sometimes punish myself with food. I do also love food and enjoy it very much. I also love sex and loathe it at the same time. I went through a very promiscuous time and I also used to be a cutter. I just never knew and still don't know how to get rid of this f*cking anger!!!! I don't know how to relieve it. I have tried therapy and medications and self abuse. What do I do so I can be free of this and have my life? The anger is like a growth that is filling me up and sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. Once again if I made anyone upset I am so sorry. Take care, Rebecca



Beckoo, don't ever be sorry for stirring the pot and making people think. Part of gaining self acceptance comes when you stop apologizing for the way you feel and the things you think. If others dont agree with you it just means you may have had different experiences that formed your opinions. 
I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time dealing with your sexual abuse, I guess I consider myself lucky that I don't remember most of mine because I was 3 and 4 years old. Sometimes I have flashes in dreams that I have to ask myself if that was real or not (I think it was but I'm ok with not knowing). I do know that I turned to food at that early of an age though. Food and candy was my comfort and companion. Since I was so young I dont think I did it consciously to deal with my abuse it just developed a pattern of using food to make me feel better.
My best friend and roommate suffered abuse and rapes during her youth too and she became a cutter and would also attempt suicide at times. She hasnt in years but she said during extreme emotions she still feels the desire. I asked her what keeps her from doing it now and she said she learned to respect her body (its not about loving it but respecting it). She said she was never taught to respect her body. It was just a shell that contained her and she did self distructive things throughout her teens and early twenties to release the build up of extreme emotions to break out of that shell(drugs, sex, cutting). She said she learned to respect it through love, friendship and pleasure(the pleasure that comes with love not through meaningless sex). She also learned to use self hypnotherapy relaxation techniques as a way to deal with her extreme anxieties. She said she still feels the type of anger that makes her want to cut but she said now instead of cutting she'll clean. Which I personally prefer since I'm her roommate.
Medications won't work cause they wont make you forget and will mask the problems. Instead of working them out they will build up to create more problems. I do know something about this since I also work in the mental health care field and know numerous people on a personal level who have been or are on meds. Conventional medicine hasnt worked so try something holistic, Reiki or Hypnotherapy . Its never going to go away you just need to accept that it is a part of what made you who you are and that you can be a strong enough person to rise above it. You have to want to make a life for yourself and its ok to depend on others for support. You deserve to love yourself and loving yourself means accepting the good and the bad. I know its not easy but it sounds like you've made the right steps in coming here.


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## braindeadhead (Jul 25, 2008)

Wow...

This thread is so hard to read. Its so awful that so many had to experience such evil things. I have to admit I grew up in ignorate bliss when it comes to these sort of issues. I knew these things happened but never in the sheer and overwhelming numbers they occur in.

I wish I understood what made men behave this way so it could be yanked out of them and destroyed. I am truely ashamed to share a gender with people who would commit these crimes. 

You are all very strong to have dealt with (and continue to deal with) what you've dealt with. I doubt I have that sort of strength in me. I know these words ring hollow but I am really sorry that these things happen.

There really isn't more for me to say expect that I wish I could make them not true and that I'm sorry. 

David


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## Waxwing (Jul 25, 2008)

Just sending love and support to everyone who has dealt with this kind of trauma. I understand, even though I hate talking about it. It's both profoundly sad that so many of us have suffered this way, and also comforting to know that you're not alone.


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## diggers1917 (Jul 25, 2008)

I am amazed by this thread; both saddened by the many accounts of abuse on it and in awe of the strength of the women here in discussing it. I also feel strangely guilty.

Now I don't say that looking for any kind of sympathy (god, if I were on a thread like this, that would make me one of the most callous, self centred men on Earth) but it does make me wonder; a number of the women here believe or entertain the possibility that their size is in some degree attributable to abuses they have suffered. Well, doesn't that make you (even sometimes) resentful of the size acceptence, or more speciffically the fat _admiration_ community? To be found attractive due to a characteristic that may have its' origin in abuse? Or is it like the light at the end of the tunnel, coming out the other side (mixing metaphors here, and possibly going over the top to boot)? Not trying to derail the thread, just thinking aloud (well, on screen).

I'd also like to add myself to the list of men here ashamed on behalf of my gender. We can be such utter heartless brutish bastards it doesn't bear thinking about.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 25, 2008)

diggers1917 said:


> I am amazed by this thread; both saddened by the many accounts of abuse on it and in awe of the strength of the women here in discussing it. I also feel strangely guilty.
> 
> Now I don't say that looking for any kind of sympathy (god, if I were on a thread like this, that would make me one of the most callous, self centred men on Earth) but it does make me wonder; a number of the women here believe or entertain the possibility that their size is in some degree attributable to abuses they have suffered. Well, doesn't that make you (even sometimes) resentful of the size acceptence, or more speciffically the fat _admiration_ community? To be found attractive due to a characteristic that may have its' origin in abuse? Or is it like the light at the end of the tunnel, coming out the other side (mixing metaphors here, and possibly going over the top to boot)? Not trying to derail the thread, just thinking aloud (well, on screen).
> 
> I'd also like to add myself to the list of men here ashamed on behalf of my gender. We can be such utter heartless brutish bastards it doesn't bear thinking about.




There are plenty of female pedophiles as well, its not gender specific.


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## Victim (Jul 25, 2008)

You can't deny it is a vast majority of the time a male defect. I guess our wiring is more easily twisted.


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## largenlovely (Jul 25, 2008)

I'd like to respond to this since i've actually been pretty open about how i believe the abuse affected my size in some way. Though, i will say, i was fat anyway..and there are a lot of other factors that make me fat as well. 

Through self analyzation, i realized that i probably became fatter, in part, because of the abuse. I also realized that being this size makes me feel very safe emotionally and psychologically. That is the part of me that believes that i probably added more pounds intentionally over the years. It's so funny how the mind works  I believe having acknowledged it and made myself aware of it...that's progress. When you're aware of something you can then make a decision. I could either..A) Decide to lose the weight or B) Accept that this is an after affect of abuse and be ok with it. I decided to go with B  I'm aware that it makes me feel safer and that's ok. Plus...there are other reasons I enjoy it as well...though these were discovered later...but i'll digress. 



diggers1917 said:


> a number of the women here believe or entertain the possibility that their size is in some degree attributable to abuses they have suffered. Well, doesn't that make you (even sometimes) resentful of the size acceptence, or more speciffically the fat _admiration_ community? To be found attractive due to a characteristic that may have its' origin in abuse? Or is it like the light at the end of the tunnel, coming out the other side.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 25, 2008)

Victim said:


> You can't deny it is a vast majority of the time a male defect. I guess our wiring is more easily twisted.




No, I just think its more often reported when a girl is molested. Boys dont come forward as often. For whatever reason.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 26, 2008)

diggers1917 said:


> I am amazed by this thread; both saddened by the many accounts of abuse on it and in awe of the strength of the women here in discussing it. I also feel strangely guilty.
> 
> Now I don't say that looking for any kind of sympathy (god, if I were on a thread like this, that would make me one of the most callous, self centred men on Earth) but it does make me wonder; a number of the women here believe or entertain the possibility that their size is in some degree attributable to abuses they have suffered. Well, doesn't that make you (even sometimes) resentful of the size acceptence, or more speciffically the fat _admiration_ community? To be found attractive due to a characteristic that may have its' origin in abuse? Or is it like the light at the end of the tunnel, coming out the other side (mixing metaphors here, and possibly going over the top to boot)? Not trying to derail the thread, just thinking aloud (well, on screen).
> 
> I'd also like to add myself to the list of men here ashamed on behalf of my gender. We can be such utter heartless brutish bastards it doesn't bear thinking about.



If someone I loved got off on the retelling of something terrible and life altering that happended to me that would be traumatic. However if I adopted some ritual, practice or personal therapy that helps me cope as a survivor of such a thing it woud be a boon if my partner were understanding and supportive IMO. I wouldn't be angry if my beloved liked that I practiced tai chi for example.

The area gets gray however when someone is turned on by something I do to myself that is distructive such as smoking, cutting, drugs abuse or some other things. I personally don't view being fat in and of itself as destructive, especially if I'm fat anyway and would have been so regardless. It would be viewed as someone being supportive of me. Thin people have suffered abuses too. 

Many people here associate their weight with the abuse but I wonder how many here feel that they would have been fat anyway, just not AS fat. How many here believe had the abuse not occured they would be thin today? I seek comfort in food. I reckon that in the wake of abuse I would be eating more to squelch the ongoing painful side effects therefore making me fatter, though I'm pretty fat now.


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## bexy (Jul 26, 2008)

i know i would have been fat regardless of abuse. i was once very ill with cushings syndrome and gained weight. i have always been large. i am very tall. i enjoy and love food. 
the only time any connection was ever made in my mind was when the counsellor suggested it to me and it angered me.
when i did live with my family, we had no money and i had no freedom. certainly to the age of 16 when i left home, i would not have had the food or money available to over eat, even if i had wanted to. i was fat at age 10,11,12 etc.


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## TallFatSue (Jul 26, 2008)

I'd like to thank everyone in this thread for sharing their experiences, which takes a lot of courage. In this context I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but my own childhood was very different, and I feel doubly blessed that my brother and I had very happy homes. Much of this was due to my French and German grandparents. To judge from the stories my parents told me, my grandparents moved to the United States in the 1920s, but they seemed to believe that the post-war privations of the 1950s in Europe might happen to them personally at any moment. After I entered the world in 1957, my grandmothers -- who must have been world-class cooks and bakers -- were bound and determined that I would never want for anything, so they poured their love into my belly well into the 1960s. "Eat! The children are starving in Europe!" But as one comedian pointed out at the time, they kept starving and I got fat, very fat. Although for some reason my brother grew up average size. My mother didn't entirely approve of their scrumptious Old-World culinary overload, but nor could she let them overshadow her, so my mother spoiled me royally rotten too, while at the same time criticizing how fat I was. But even at its worst, during my rebellious youth phase as a teenager in the 1970s, when my mother criticized my weight, my clothes, my weight, my hair, my weight and my weight, I still had a wonderful childhood. I thank heaven every day, and in a very real sense, every day is Thanksgiving.

I agree completely that fat (and plenty of it) is a darn good shield. At first I hated being the big tall fat girl, but eventually I realized that it was to my advantage to be physically taller and bigger than almost everyone else in my class, so I made a virtue of necessity and embraced my size. And I also remember what it was like to blossom much sooner than all of the other girls in my class and become the object of unwanted male attention simply because I had the biggest breasts. But despite all the usual ups and down, I still recall my childhood with great pleasure.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 26, 2008)

I don't know....I saw the thread title two days ago....and just now brought myself to it. I read it..... 



largenlovely said:


> I decided that i liked the person that i am...and i wouldn't be the person that i am if these things had not happened to me. They made me strong.. they made me more compassionate towards others in pain.. they put me in a place to where i could help others. I also said in another post that happiness is a state of mind...we have to decide and choose to be happy. I understand that bad shit happens, but I'm also a spiritual person and believe that everything happens for a reason...even though i may not be able to see that reason at the moment.



I tried to rep you for this paragraph....when I can give it again, I will come back and get you. If a person can't come to this conclusion, then what's the point of living? I made a life decision like this years back when I hit bottom...and my life has gotten better every single day since then. You don't just one day wake up happy...you work on it every single day.....the key is knowing that you are worth that effort



bexylicious said:


> i still struggle with the abuse, and my whole childhood in general. but i worry more about what it has done to me mentally than physically. i beleive in my heart having always been a big girl, from puberty i was always plus size, that i am meant to be big.





bexylicious said:


> the fact that we are all coming out here now and saying this may point towards there being a connection between abuse and weight. but the same can be said of a connection between abuse and anorexia, or bulimia or self destructive behaviour. its how an individual deals with it i guess.







Rowan said:


> Thank you for coming out and saying this...definitely a good topic, and hopefully you know you will be supported here
> 
> I know exactly how you feel as I went through stuff myself. I definitely think that SA and food consumption (or with some, lack there of) are definitely linked. For me, it happened when i was 7 and I can look back at pictures of me around and before that time and I was thin as any normal little girl. After the abuse, I started to get chubby and over my life I got fat. I not only was fat, but I threw up after almost every meal (not intentionally...just happened), and am still that way to this very day most the time. At 14 I also started to self injure, and I can still remember clear as day the very first time I did it. I think that abuse can bring on a whole host of problems, but with the grace of god...I've learned to deal better as I've gotten older. While I still have my bad days, I think i've learned how to cope much better than some people who have suffered the same kind of abuses, so I am definitely thankful for that.
> 
> *big hugs to everyone else who's been through the same*



I was small until after being molested...I was smaller than most...usually the smallest person in most classes I had. I have always said my weight gain "came with puberty" but I distinctly remembering starting to think of myself as "fat" not long after the event. From there on in, I have struggled with an eating disorder...and do think that part of my weight is "protection" because I was truly uncomfortable with the new attention I started getting from older men as I started growing a woman's body. I also still feel this same discomfort/fear when my weight is down and more men start giving me attention. 

Oh and all these jokes about me being a cougar....I was molested by an old man. I can't fucking be with a man much older than myself.....I just can't do it. 

I, too, can look at some people and feel that, in some ways, I am "stronger" because I realize I could have done far worse in my life than where I landed. 

Hugs back to you Rowan 






bexylicious said:


> however mentally, i suffer from great paranoia, i always think if someones upset it must be my fault. low self esteem in the fact that i never think im good enough or nice enough to be someones friend. anxiety, great nervousness and unadulterated worrying.



I have PTSD from the physical/mental abuse of my childhood...I am also OCD with nervous "counting". I have never cut myself but when greatly stressed/sad, I have hit myself. Let's also not forget all the daily abuses I used to do to myself like running the brush through my hair every morning and yanking the tangles out. I went into counseling and some of those little "quirks" went away. I seem to repeat abuse patterns, too. I don't know how to be in a relationship that isn't abusive on some level. I also make a great co-dependent. 

I think the worst part of being molested wasn't the act itself but that I couldn't tell my parents. I had told my mother years earlier about being physically abused and she blew me off...twice. I was more scared of being accused of lying or people knowing what happened to me...it was such a fucked up feeling. I told her when I was grown.....her response was that it probably was a good thing I hadn't told her. Now I wish I hadn't told her ever and kept the knowledge to myself. 

Forgiving my Mother was the hardest of all the forgiveness I had to do. 
Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves....not those that have hurt us. It's how you move on and let it go. You have to do this because you will be eaten alive from the inside out if you don't. 
I'm still not sure if I have forgiven the man that molested me. He is long dead...and I am simply glad that he is because now he can't put his hands where they don't belong. 





bexylicious said:


> i also struggled for a long time with the fact that while i have only slept with 2 men, i very much enjoy sex. i work in the adult industry, am adventurous and proud of my body and sometimes it hits me that after what happened, maybe i shouldnt be. maybe i should hate sex and i shouldn't want a man near me after what happened. which is silly i know.



I experience odd feelings about sex sometimes...but know what? Those times when I actually enjoy sex, I have come to realize that I am emotionally detached from it. I only sleep with men I have feelings for in a relationship.....but I have to take my mind elsewhere to have an orgasm. I don't like affection after sex.....I just want to "move on" mentally and emotionally after the deed.....

It's odd because when I enjoy sex I enjoy it a lot....in some ways I wonder if this detachment has given me something better than I might have had otherwise because I hear/see some women not liking sex all that much. 




Ruffie said:


> I know after much self examination that my fat is my protection. I grew up emotionally abused, nothing I did was ever good enough and so you learn to retreat into yourself. My fat insulates me from truly dealing with the issues at hand. If someone doesn't like me I can blame that on my weight. If a man is not attracted to me I can blame it on my weight, a job interviewer doesn't hire me again my weight. I know his because the only time in my whole life I was truly happy and relatively stress free I put the work in and lost 75lbs. During my first pregnacy I experienced major trauma at the hands of in laws and then he was born and we dealt with colic. More family issues and a second pregnancy and many stressful evnets in our lives has led me to be a person who doesn't eat as she should nor exercise as often as she should. When things are coming at you from all directions, family, tough times at home and work you do in my mind need some insulation. I do that with food and the size of my body. I recognize it but apparently not ready to deal with it yet. I have grown in my confidence, my strength, my ability to forgive and love, and one day I may have the ability to lose the last sheild. However as a fat woman I do want the ability to live a full and happy life and will defend my fight to look as I do and be accepted as I am.
> Ruth



You make a good point here Ruth. I have hated myself for far worse things than being fat...... and once again, I have used it as an excuse to "hide away" and not participate in things I would have otherwise wanted. So many things in my life have been based upon my fear...I am just glad to realize that now 







edx said:


> Some people tend to eat more in response to stress, and stress also seems to affect how we deal with insulin, where we put on fat, etc. (some people also eat less when stressed, we humans deal with stress in all sorts of crazy ways).
> 
> Hence, totally aside from the (conscious or unconscious) desire to get fat as a way to avoid or protect against abuse, some people who have been abused and as a result suffer more stress may be more likely to get fat, and possibly to put on fat in different ways than they might have without that extra stress.
> 
> Just a thought.



I can agree with you to a point here, Ed. I actually participated in a study for sexual abuse survivors. The study managed to show that meditation improved the stress levels when done twice or more a week. 
I still do the meditation on occasion...I find it very soothing and somewhat of a "haven". 



largenlovely said:


> Though i also think that the website allows me to feel as if i'm taking "control" in some way too. I'm expressing my sexuality in the way that *I* want to express it and nobody can force me to do it any other way than in the way i want.



Funny, I am one helluva flirt sometimes.....but if a man calls me on it in some way....if he "gets too close too quickly" I feel a sudden shut down/block go up. Yeah, I would say it's some control issue going on. 



Elfcat said:


> If the events are ordered in the way that is usually done, then it does imply that fatness arises as a form of protection. But what if that ordering is not accurate? What if it is sometimes the other way around? We know precocious puberty is also something pretty common in larger girls. My first wife told me that in the sixth grade she was taller than her teacher, and often got mistaken at age 13 for a full-grown woman. So in that sense, being large might not be such a shield at all, and might indeed put someone at risk for sexual attention, mistaken or otherwise, out of sync with the recipient's actual age.



As I said earlier in this post, I was very small up until puberty. I actually looked younger than my age of 11 when I was molested. Yeah, he didn't mistake me for a grown woman.....

Being fat has seemed to offer me more protection than looking young/girlish ever did.....



largenlovely said:


> Y
> My best friends parents had a friend who would continually ask me out..i was 19 and around 260 pounds...he was 36...i kept trying to politely tell him no. He later wound up stalking me and then ramming the front door of my parents house at 3am trying to "get me"...and those were the exact words he used. He said he was going to get me. My mother yelled that she was going to shoot him and shot the gun up in the air out the window...he left. My Uncle was a police officer at the time. We had my best friends parents tell this guy if he ever bothered me again that he would either wind up dead or my Uncle would plant drugs in his car and he'd go to prison for a very long time. We never saw him again...
> 
> Another instance me and two girlfriends were followed out of a club by 3 men who had been aggressive all night towards me in particular. We wound up having to go back into the club and sure enough..the men followed us back in. We had to get the bouncer to keep them inside while we left. This was actually a breaking point for me. Kinda the straw that broke the camels back. For a while i was actually scared to leave the house and all i could do was cry. I was around 23 years old i think...My dad and sister finally sat down with me and said that they couldn't live with me like that. That's when i finally dealt with a lot of the issues i had and realized i couldn't allow myself to live in fear.
> ...



I remember catching a grown man in the neighborhood peeking in my bedroom window one night. In retrospect of something he had said beforehand, it wasn't the first time he had done it. He came back to terrorize me the next night when my Mom went out because he knew I was there alone. 

Btw, my Mother knew he was sitting across the street and went out anyway...even after I begged her not to leave me alone. 
She fucked with my head more than he ever could have......



largenlovely said:


> oh wow...i'm gonna have to get this book. Thank you for mentioning it
> 
> *edit* oh wait...it's a diet book?





gildalive said:


> I guess it's technically a diet book, but really the only diet they suggest is that you eat what you want as long as you really want it and you're not using the food to cover up something else. It talks a lot (through case studies) about how fat functions for people. I don't really think it's offensive in terms of size acceptance. They specifically say that the weight you end up at is most likely not going to be society's ideal weight. And it's short, so I think it's worth straining out what you don't agree with because of the relevant stuff. Food for thought, you know? Bad pun. Bad, bad, pun.



If I am remembering correctly, it's by the same authors that wrote "Overeating: Living Free in a World of Food". They are both compulsive overeaters and do therapy for other women with the same problem. It isn't a diet...it just shows you how to take control and stop compulsively eating. 

I have read both books a number of years ago...they both impacted me strongly on much of my outlooks. 



ThikJerseyChik said:


> Men don't talk about their abuse...there is a very good book out there called "Abused Boys" that I read years ago...I couldn't get through a page without crying. There still is a HUGE number of unreported cases of sexual abuse in all areas of the world. It's the unspoken atrocity.



http://citizen-times.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200880625119

The victim that came forward in this story is someone I used to date....
he is not fat but he has problems with alcohol (why we no longer date). he was the first victim to come forward...when he first came forward ten years ago, the police blew him off. The next time he went there he had found some other past victims to complain with him. He ultimately got that son of a bitch off the street. For that, I am immensely proud of him. 
That bastard was molesting boys for decades...and he made tapes of it.


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## Victim (Jul 26, 2008)

Ella Bella said:


> No, I just think its more often reported when a girl is molested. Boys dont come forward as often. For whatever reason.



I meant to say that the vast majority of the time the perpetrator is male. There do seem to be many male victims however. 

If you look around the world, most of what we consider 'evil' is being perpetrated by men. 

For the record I'm trying to be one of the good ones...


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## CleverBomb (Jul 27, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I don't know....I saw the thread title two days ago....and just now brought myself to it. I read it.....



Damn.
I repped you earlier today, on something relatively trivial.
If I'd known you would post this, I wouldn't have mis-spent those points.
They belong here.

Wow.
Just,
Wow.

-Rusty


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## largenlovely (Jul 27, 2008)

and also knowing that the only person who can change your life for the better is YOU  

I'm glad you posted..it's hard to do. Outing yourself on a board of so many people. I've had a few people write me and tell me how brave it is to be openly talking about this...but really i hate doing it myself LOL. 

It's kind of funny...and maybe this is another result of abuse type thinking. I have no qualms about showing myself on my website..(which i've tried to reiterate that i had these exhibitionist tendencies anyway, even before any abuse, but i think that the abuse also helps this along in a number of ways...) To me showing my body is separate..it's fun for me to express my sexuality in my *own* way, and there's an amount of control i get out of it as well. Though...when it comes to expressing my inner thoughts..and feelings..and sharing things that have happened in my life...i'm very protective of that. I don't want just anyone to *know* me. 

Bruce has honestly helped me in learning how to share these things. We've talked about all this stuff and him telling me that he has known of other women feeling these things...well that made me feel better. So i then felt obligated to start "outing" myself..in order to help someone else. Not to say that i haven't tried to help other people when i KNEW they'd been through something similar. I just came to the conclusion that if i was just open about it..then maybe someone might read it and relate to it and not feel so alone. That in itself is worth saying something




Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I don't know....I saw the thread title two days ago....and just now brought myself to it. I read it.....
> 
> I tried to rep you for this paragraph....when I can give it again, I will come back and get you. If a person can't come to this conclusion, then what's the point of living? I made a life decision like this years back when I hit bottom...and my life has gotten better every single day since then. You don't just one day wake up happy...you work on it every single day.....the key is knowing that you are worth that effort.


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## largenlovely (Jul 27, 2008)

I can also related to this as well...i've noticed that i have always had a tendency to date men who are younger than myself and the men who raped me were older as well. In Fact, ALL of the men I had problems with were older...well with the exception of one of the stalkers..he was younger. 

ya know what's kinda odd to me is...all of my problems with rapists and stalkers and scary men were all previous to my having a website ..heh... just thought about that. I imagine one would think that i'd be more likely to have those types of problems *after* having the site...that's nothing to do with nothing lol...just thinking out loud



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Oh and all these jokes about me being a cougar....I was molested by an old man. I can't fucking be with a man much older than myself.....I just can't do it.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 27, 2008)

I understand what you mean by it being hard....it's actually much easier for me to do it in "writing" on this board than it would be for me to sit face to face with someone and have to say it.
I can take my time writing it out...edit it...take my words back...even if just for a short time. In reality, I would get too emotional and it would be too hard to "share". 
Here, I can take my time....and think about it...re-read it. So I'm saying it's helluva lot easier to say it here....I rarely share any of this with people in reality. 
Not just because I get too emotional...but yeah....it does sometimes seem to "change" things.....as in people might see you differently if they know this about you. It does take a lot of trust to let people, even the close ones, see this part of you.


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## largenlovely (Jul 27, 2008)

absolutely!! Me and Bruce sat down with Kiera to tape a piece for her documentary. That was the first time i decided to open up about it...i guess i'm one of those "jump in with both feet" type of people when i decide on something lol. I actually wound up getting physically ill during the middle of the taping and had to leave for a little bit...

For me it wasn't that I was upset and re-living the abuse...I actually have managed to separate myself from that. I can talk about it in a way that it seems like it happened to another person...and that's exactly how it feels to me. Like these things happened to a "different" me...if that makes any sense lol. The part that was so upsetting for me was *sharing* myself..and saying THIS happened to me and i'm going to let ALL of you strangers know about it. 



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I understand what you mean by it being hard....it's actually much easier for me to do it in "writing" on this board than it would be for me to sit face to face with someone and have to say it.


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## Elfcat (Jul 28, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> It's really a wonder some of us aren't scared to death of men lol



Sadly, some men recently were determined NOT to help matters any.


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## largenlovely (Jul 28, 2008)

yeah..it's amazing the things that a person can move past though. I still have after affects and always will. We went to a club this past weekend and there was a very drunk man there who made me nervous everytime he got close to us. 

I just suck it up..and make sure to keep an eye on a person who makes me feel that way. It's sad that women have to feel "on guard" but...that is how things are. And that nervousness has saved me on occasion. So i pay attention to it. 



Elfcat said:


> Sadly, some men recently were determined NOT to help matters any.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 28, 2008)

It's funny....most of my "safety warnings" seem to be more extended to my daughters. This "knowledge" that I now hold makes me way more cautious of the people I let my children be around. 
Also though.....I have this tendency not to trust people that don't have children but say they love them and always want to be near them...... (I thought Michael Jackson was a child molester years before anything hit the news....come on now...Never Land? )
It's automatic......but I realize where it comes from and have a tendency to hold my tongue and just be watchful for a while....let myself feel out the situation better first. 
My girls don't know what happened to me.....and to be honest, I truly don't want them to ever be able to fully "understand".


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## KendraLee (Jul 28, 2008)

I think we develop some kind of radar and it certainly comes in handy to protect the ones we love. I was the oldest so when I was a kid I ended up having to protect 2 of my younger sisters from the husband of someone who watched us. I also always got creeped out by my friends stepfather in highschool and it turned out there were reasons to be creeped.


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## largenlovely (Jul 28, 2008)

This happened to my mother as well. She was very physically abusive towards me and my father..we found out in my mid 20's that she had been molested between the ages of 6 and 12. She never told a soul until that day. It explained all of her anger and the abuse we suffered through and allowed me to forgive her. Once she finally opened up and started talking about it, it allowed her to start healing. 

I'm not by any means suggesting that something like this is going on in your place.. i just realized it might sound like that..it just made me think of my mom since you brought that up about your daughters. Though i suppose looking back...it makes sense now why she wouldn't allow us to girls to go spend the night places. I only had 2 friends that she would let me stay the night with and one was because we went to church with their parents and she knew them well. The other was because they live a few houses down and she knew them also. My sister is 9 years younger than me and she only had 1 friend that my mom would allow her to stay with. I guess she felt that she could trust them...and maybe they didn't make *her* radar go off.



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> My girls don't know what happened to me.....and to be honest, I truly don't want them to ever be able to fully "understand".


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 28, 2008)

I am particular where my daughters stay as well...but as parents, shouldn't everyone be?
When I first met the mother of my daughter's best friend, she came over to pick up my daughter. I asked her to write down her phone number and address for me in case of an emergency. The mother commented that out of all her daughter's friends that had spent the night with her, she was amazed that I was the first to ask for that basic information...that any parent SHOULD be asking for.

All parents SHOULD be wondering about the neighbor down the street that has all the kids hanging out...when they don't have their own children there. Parents SHOULD at least meet the parents of the children where their children are staying and know how to get in touch with them.

Funny, I am not "over protective" in my own eyes....actually I think of myself as the most "normal" out of many that I have met


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Jul 28, 2008)

Good gods, this is bloody horrible. Rapists are worse than murderers. 

It does seem like most of the women I've met have been molested or almost molested at some point in the past. I wonder, is that because fat women are more likely to be molested, or because the women who are molested and read this thread are more likely to be fat?


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## KendraLee (Jul 28, 2008)

It rings so true for me when you say the neighbor down the street. Thats who it was for me when I was 3 and 4 and 5 come to think of it. The grandfather of the kids I played with down the street. When the grandfather died just a few years back I found out through another friend of mine who is distantly related. When she mentioned to the grandaughter that she was sorry for her loss the grandaughter replied that she wasn't. The man was an accused molester but not convicted and I had always wondered if he had molested his own grandaughter. I could never imagine how her parents allowed that man to live in the same house as their children


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## Waxwing (Jul 28, 2008)

Fuzzy Necromancer said:


> Good gods, this is bloody horrible. Rapists are worse than murderers.
> 
> It does seem like most of the women I've met have been molested or almost molested at some point in the past. I wonder, is that because fat women are more likely to be molested, or because the women who are molested and read this thread are more likely to be fat?



Unfortunately I think it's because many women you meet, fat or thin, have been violated in some way. It is estimated that one in three women will be sexually abused in her lifetime. 

*One in three.*

A third of us walk around with these scars. That fact never ceases to shock me no matter how many times I read it.


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## Paul (Jul 29, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> ya know what's kinda odd to me is...all of my problems with rapists and stalkers and scary men were all previous to my having a website ..heh... just thought about that. I imagine one would think that i'd be more likely to have those types of problems *after* having the site...that's nothing to do with nothing lol...just thinking out loud



LnL,

Is it possible that for the women who have websites, that the form the abuse from the scary men changes. I have heard from women who have been seriously harassed and abused through email/IM stalking to the point that they have had to get new email addresses and be extremely careful who they befriend on the internet. Is it possible that the form of the abuse (if it occurs) is different for women who have a strong internet presence, be it on web boards or with their own website?

Another question: LnL (or anyone else) do you know why it is that some women have had several experiences were male strangers abuse them (stalking, rape, peeping tom, etc.) while other women have never experienced any abuse? I am *not* implying that some women ask or set themselves up for abuse, whike other women do not. I do lnow a couple of women who have been abused several times by different men wh were strangers to them. I also have met a few women who have told me they have never been abused. If the abused women are not seeking out abusive men, how come some women are abused several times and other women are never abused. (BTW my question may have no answer other than to say the difference can be chalked up to bad luck and nothing the woman did/did not do.)

Thanks for this thread LnL. It is a hard thread to read. I sort of know where you are coming from. When I was 14 or 15 I went to an afternoon movie by myself. The theater was not very full. While watching the show an man 10+ years older tried to convince me to leave and go to his apartment. I suspect he was gay and wanted a gay affair with me. I had to leave the theater before the film ended to get away from him. Fortunately I lived in Toronto then and could duck into the Subway and loose him. Fortunately this man was unable to do much of anything other than make me miss the ending of the film I was watching.

I tried reping you for this thread LnL, but the rep system claims I can rep you until I spread my reputation around to others first:doh::doh:.


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## olwen (Jul 29, 2008)

Paul, I don't think the question you're asking has a clear cut easy to digest answer. It just happens. Why have some of us been abused and others not? Who knows. You could ask this about any of the horrible things that happen in the world. Who knows why. 

....But to attempt a real answer, because the abuser felt like it seems like enough of an explanation for me. He just fucking felt like it and we were all in the wrong place at the wrong time (it's happened to me as an adult). That he just felt like it was all the explanation I needed to or wanted to hear for the simple fact that no other explanation could possibly be more rational.


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## irish_redhead (Jul 29, 2008)

I started reading this thread when it was only 2 pages, and was inclined to respond - I just didn't have time. Now I'm so tired my eyes are closing, but I did have a couple of thoughts. 

I think labelling any sort of behaviour or characteristic as a "symptom of" abuse is dangerous. As has been stated, the percentage of women who have suffered from sexual/physical/emotional abuse is high and underreported! People have different ways of dealing with the pain. For some it's food and body image disorders, for others it's drugs or alcohol, or OCD behaviours, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on. 

I do think that it's a defect of society that we want to label people and define them in some manner - but assuming that certain attributes are the result of a trauma or event - an outward sign of something wrong. 

I'm fat, but I've never been abused. I also binge drink too much at times, have used drugs, and been promiscuous. But I've never been raped. I eat because I enjoy it, I'm fat because I am, and I drink/use drugs because I sometimes like to feel drunk/high. I've had people actually ask me if I was abused, and that's why I am fat or act the way I do sometimes.

I feel that there is something wrong with people who obsess over other people's lives - and who think they know or can tell what's happening in someone's psyche. But all these behaviours CAN indicate a past trauma. On the other hand, so can a lot of supposed "normal" or acceptable behaviours, like religious zealousness. 

There is no simple answer, and comparisons can be drawn in any situtation. Everyone who eats cherry pie must be a Twin Peaks fan, or all TP fans must love cherry pie. That argument is as valid as any other assumption about why you are the way you are. 

I feel for any woman who's suffered... and I've known my fair share of victims personally. Having had a great, loving and safe childhood, I was oblivious to some of the suffering of others. I knew all about the dreaded stranger lurking behind bushes, but could have never fathomed that someone's own family might be a danger. It was years later that I discovered a close childhood friend was abused (and her 2 sisters) - all the while I had no knowledge. I can look back and see the signs now, and feel incredible guilt that I never knew. I never suspected. And that, if I had, maybe I could have done something. The pattern was repeated throughout my life - having had numerous friends and a cousin who were subjected to these horrors. In my instance, it seems that the statistics were reversed. 




Paul said:


> Another question: LnL (or anyone else) do you know why it is that some women have had several experiences were male strangers abuse them (stalking, rape, peeping tom, etc.) while other women have never experienced any abuse? I am *not* implying that some women ask or set themselves up for abuse, whike other women do not. I do lnow a couple of women who have been abused several times by different men wh were strangers to them. I also have met a few women who have told me they have never been abused. If the abused women are not seeking out abusive men, how come some women are abused several times and other women are never abused. (BTW my question may have no answer other than to say the difference can be chalked up to bad luck and nothing the woman did/did not do.)



I've seen time and time again that there are women who seem to always end up with the wrong guy... who seem to always end up in relationships that turn abusive. Or who are targets for the stalking behaviours of others. 

I don't think the woman is to blame. I do think there is something ingrained early in life that determines who you are attracted to - what traits and characteristics - and that some women (usually with traumatic childhoods) seem to always be drawn to that "type" of guy. 

On the flip side - abusive men are predators, and they are usually very skilled at stalking their prey. An abuser is not going to stalk, harrass or attack someone who is confident and strong, or someone who is going to scream or fight back. They seek out specific traits in women - traits that indicate that their target is easy prey. Someone who is a rapist/abuser/stalker knows well enough what they're looking for, and can usually spot a victim even when the signs are not obvious to others. 

As a child I spoke up for myself. I was defiant of authority when necessary, and I questioned everything. I wasn't an ideal target for someone. As an adult, I'm much the same. But I also have a very strong "don't fuck with me attitude" and have excellent instincts when meeting people. I trust my initial perceptions, and I know enough to be wary of someone. I was involved in an attempted date rape once because I ignored my own instincts. He survived, though he probably still has scars... and I knew then that I wasn't - and was never going to be - a victim to any man. 

I've had instances were a guy has taken an immediate and unmistakable dislike to me, and it seems that they KNOW I can see past their charm and know what their intentions are. In particular a male relative of my husband... our initial meeting did not go well - he instantly hated me, I couldn't stand him. I saw someone who was arrogant, aloof and downright angry. Around me. When I saw him with other women, his demeanor changed completely - and sure enough, he turned on a certain charm and pretended to be what they wanted... which led to an abusive relationship. I saw it coming, and he knew I saw it coming. And in spite of my attempted warnings, the women involved were naive to his true character until far too late.

It's not so much that some women are attracted only to these men, or that they set themselves up for it. But rather these men are attracted to women who they perceive to be a potential victim - someone they can dominate and instill fear in. And, unfortunately, some women are magnets for them without even being aware of the signals they are sending. A predator's survival is reliant upon their ability for self-preservation. 


And yeah... I'm still exhausted and rambling - so I hope some of this made sense.

_ETA: I don't want any of this to seem like I'm saying that any woman who is abused could have prevented it by portraying a strong exterior... that's the farthest from the truth. When I talk about predators seeking a victim, I'm referring to the subconcious personality traits that differentiate us all. You can't change those - you can get therapy and learn tools to protect yourself, but you can't change the qualities that attract someone to hurt you, even with a lot of effort. _


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

Paul said:


> LnL,Is it possible that for the women who have websites, that the form the abuse from the scary men changes. I have heard from women who have been seriously harassed and abused through email/IM stalking to the point that they have had to get new email addresses and be extremely careful who they befriend on the internet. Is it possible that the form of the abuse (if it occurs) is different for women who have a strong internet presence, be it on web boards or with their own website?



That's really hard to say...because I would've experienced this in the beginning of having had my website. Throughout the years, i did have a couple of weirdo's lol. Though, i have also tried to be careful who i give my information out to as well. Along with the distance...they probably just didn't have the proper chance to stalk me lol



Paul said:


> Another question: LnL (or anyone else) do you know why it is that some women have had several experiences were male strangers abuse them (stalking, rape, peeping tom, etc.) while other women have never experienced any abuse? I am *not* implying that some women ask or set themselves up for abuse, whike other women do not. I do lnow a couple of women who have been abused several times by different men wh were strangers to them. I also have met a few women who have told me they have never been abused. If the abused women are not seeking out abusive men, how come some women are abused several times and other women are never abused. (BTW my question may have no answer other than to say the difference can be chalked up to bad luck and nothing the woman did/did not do.)



I have asked myself this a million times..because I STILL have things happen even to this day....I'm not sure what it is. Once I had this very special lake i would go to..to just sit and think. On this one particular occasion there was a man fishing from the banks off in the distance. It made me nervous...so i kept my eye on him and didn't move far from my car. At one point i lost him..didn't see where he went. I immediately jumped up and got into my car. Once inside i locked my doors and started looking around as i started up the car. I saw him peeping from behind a tree. I thought "well maybe he's peeing". But i didn't want to risk it...because i sat there for a minute after i realized where he was and it was too long for him to have been back there. I decided to leave..as i left, i had to pass him. He stepped out from behind the tree and I realized he was relieving himself in ANOTHER manner. I periodically have had men just grab me and try to hug/grope me out in PUBLIC while i was shopping...even an old homeless man once...so....i wish i knew what it was. I've just always chalked it up to bad luck and there being a large amount of weirdo men. 

This wasn't my thread Paul lol, I just am vocal about it all...I've spent soooo much time trying to figure it out and see how it has all affected me that i figure my time and effort could possibly help someone else.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

I see you added a disclaimer to the end, but i'm still gonna respond lol

My dad was a very strong influence in my life and he taught us to stand up for ourselves and be vocal about our opinions. He always said, "I don't want to raise a wimp or a follower" lol So i've always had this ingrained in me. He allowed us to say what we thought even if it pissed him off and this translated into our every day lives. I also learned at a young age that the more loud, outgoing and fun you were..the more friends you'd have. Which is true in high school..as an adult it's just obnoxious lol. So i was always this way. I was actually a very strong, outspoken and confident person..I wasn't so confident in my body or sexuality, but i doubt this alone would have attracted rapists. 

I've also changed over the years...grew up...and my personality has changed into a more quiet confidence. I've also been told that i seem very reserved at times...and i KNOW when i'm out in public alone and around strangers i give off this "leave me alone" type of mean vibe...because that's a safer vibe to have in my opinion. Yet i've still had men try to force themselves on me in *some* type of manner periodically. In fact, i had it happen a couple weeks ago...A man became overly aggressive with me while hanging out with my friends (his mutual friends) and he tried to pull my top down ...i had to push him off of me and one of my friends had to ban him from the house. I didn't instigate it.. i didn't ask for it...but i've become accustomed to it sadly. I've also developed barriers and traits to try to keep it from happening, yet it still happens sometimes. So..i dunno what it is...or why some men do this, I just know that some men DO and i have to watch out for those men. 



irish_redhead said:


> On the flip side - abusive men are predators, and they are usually very skilled at stalking their prey. An abuser is not going to stalk, harrass or attack someone who is confident and strong, or someone who is going to scream or fight back. They seek out specific traits in women - traits that indicate that their target is easy prey. Someone who is a rapist/abuser/stalker knows well enough what they're looking for, and can usually spot a victim even when the signs are not obvious to others.
> 
> As a child I spoke up for myself. I was defiant of authority when necessary, and I questioned everything. I wasn't an ideal target for someone. As an adult, I'm much the same. But I also have a very strong "don't fuck with me attitude" and have excellent instincts when meeting people. I trust my initial perceptions, and I know enough to be wary of someone. I was involved in an attempted date rape once because I ignored my own instincts. He survived, though he probably still has scars... and I knew then that I wasn't - and was never going to be - a victim to any man.
> 
> _ETA: I don't want any of this to seem like I'm saying that any woman who is abused could have prevented it by portraying a strong exterior... that's the farthest from the truth. When I talk about predators seeking a victim, I'm referring to the subconcious personality traits that differentiate us all. You can't change those - you can get therapy and learn tools to protect yourself, but you can't change the qualities that attract someone to hurt you, even with a lot of effort. _


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

I would have to say i think that this pretty much sums it up...



olwen said:


> ....But to attempt a real answer, because the abuser felt like it seems like enough of an explanation for me. He just fucking felt like it and we were all in the wrong place at the wrong time


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## Mishty (Jul 29, 2008)

All I can say is "wow".

I've wanted to read this thread since it was first posted, but really didn't feel I could re-hash all my bad memories.

I'd just like to say, women are abusers too.

I have been in the same boat as many of you guys on here.
I was molested at 3, and the cycle didn't end till I was 12.
When I was 16 in started all over again.
I was a victim the entire span of my childhood, I've come to terms with the fact that being a _victim_ isn't an easy out. 

By my teens I had lost all trust in men(and boys). I knew what could happen, and most likely _would_ happen, if I didn't learn to keep my distance. Not only was I scared of the things that could happen to me, I knew what happened when you broke the rules and "told". Doctors, screaming, tears, stares....
It was enough pity to make anyone sick, let alone a girl.
Like LnL said, maybe it was just bad luck that made these things happen to me. I really don't know.

I stopped playing sports.
I stopped riding the bus.
I stopped riding my bike.
I refused to have a male teacher in 6th grade.
I surrounded myself with women, lots and lots of women.

Women are safe, girls were safer.

I had been in Girl Scouts since pre-k, by the time I was 11 or 12 I was a leader.
A top cookie seller and a real proud badge wearer. 
I was invited to a very nice G.S camp outside of my hometown, the fee had been waived and I was going to be allowed to go as a "Skit".
A skit earns their keep by cleaning, serving food, and helping with the younger kids. It started out ok, every summer camp has their mean girls, I made friends and made sure I kept distance from the girls with bad attitudes.
The only problem, most of the meanies were also "Skits", so their I was in a cabin with 9 other girls from all over the South East, all just as poor as me, but all a bit older.

Chrissy wasn't the leader of the pack but she made sure everyone knew she wasn't nice, she wasn't scared, and she didn't wanna be there, in short: she was a bitch. She was a 16 year old from Atlanta, and to this day I have no idea what made her what she was, and why she did the things she did.

Somehow 5 days into camp Chrissy has a pint of cheap vodka.
All the girls sipped and laughed.
Told drity jokes, flashed each other.
Vodka led to girl kissing, girl kissing was ok. I knew what a lesbian was, but I still kept still in my bunk, not even breathing while they did what most girls do at their age. To make a long story short, it got way out of hand, and things got to the point where I was forced to do things I still can't type or even say. 

After coming home 9 days early from camp, I was so shut off from the world, I didn't like to hear people talk. Laughter made me mad.
Food helped. Food was always around. I could eat by myself, it didn't take two to eat. Games you needed friends for, frozen pizza was the only board game I was interested in.

By the next Summer my bird legs were thick.
I had gained roughly 70 pounds, and had stopped leaving my room without force from my Momma. I started baby sitting to earn money, only to eat my way through allowance and my wages....

I didn't trust a living soul.
Everyone was off limits, at arms length and I liked it that way.

I was a junior before I started getting on with my life, going places, and trusting people again. By then the damage was done, I weighed in at 250+ pounds and no matter what memories resurfaced, a bag of Burgers or a bucket of chicken made everything not so damn sad.

I've learned to talk about it, and not be ashamed, but what would I be like minus the abuse? Who knows.

Is there a connection between abuse and obesity?
I think so.

Thank you girls for this thread and the courage to share your "stories".


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

*hugs* i'm so sorry you had to go through this...It's so sad that the one group you felt you had left to trust was yet another group that violated you. 

I'm glad you've learned to talk about it and not be ashamed. The guilt that comes along with these things is just something else...i felt it as well. If i hadn't done this..or that...or whatever. Though what it comes down to, is the fact remains that nobody has a right to violate your person..at any time, no matter what. So we shouldn't feel guilty. Though i know that's easy to say. It takes sooooooo many years to deal with all this stuff. So it's no surprise that it took until your junior year..especially since you had no one to talk to. That makes it even tougher. 

I was 15 and 16 (two separate incidences)...and i don't think i really dealt with any of it until i was around 23. It takes years to trust people..and even yourself, after having been violated. I know that i even questioned my own judgement for a long time. I don't know what's scarier...not feeling you can trust other people..or not feeling you can trust yourself because you believe you've made bad decisions that led to (or caused) these things. 

I'm glad you can talk about it though...that's what leads to healing i think  *hugs again*



Missblueyedeath said:


> I didn't trust a living soul.
> Everyone was off limits, at arms length and I liked it that way.
> 
> I was a junior before I started getting on with my life, going places, and trusting people again.
> ...


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

I noticed a contradiction in something i said...

I posted that all of the rapists, stalkers and scary men were all previous to my website...though that's really not true. It makes me wonder if maybe i am separating the two...because i still have these crazy "incidents" happen in real life since having had the website. I guess that leads me to the question of 1) do these incidents not seem as "scary" to me now as they did back before i had a website when i was younger, or 2) maybe i've just separated the couple of online weirdo's i've dealt with as non-scary because they're not in my face and threatening as other things i've dealt with in my real life...so the online stuff doesn't count. 

Just thinking out loud lol.... I noticed that what i said didn't quite jive and it led me to question it...and figured i'd acknowledge the contradiction. gonna have to think about this a lil more i suppose heh.


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## Raqui (Jul 29, 2008)

I myself went through sexual abuse in some forms as a child. I witness abuse from my father to my mother as a child. None of it has to do with my weight. I didnt eat because of it, I ate because I liked food. I dont believe i gained weight because of food though either. I was always a big child but extremely muscular. Once I became inactive due to children in my home that was when my weight really zoomed up in fat content.

I still am am quite muscular and my muscle, bone mass is quite huge compared to most people. And I am quite nice and fat also  

I went through many abusive relationships I believe witnessing it from childhood and then feeling abandoned while my father went off and had a whole new family when i didnt want him to made me look for a man like him. And I found him in diffrent packages. While my father is better now and has changed. I still am more like a parent to my father at times and I am very strick with him. I had to put him in his place a long time ago his abusive behavior was not going to start with me.

I dont associate my fat with my problems. My body is not some crule punishment it is my vehicle. NO matter how slow or ackward it might be for some or how difficult it maybe. I am honored to have it. This is not a journey that has come over night it is after years of developing myself reguardless of weight and enhancing the inside of me that I have come to realize. Who I am inside has nothing to do with my outside. And when your balanced inside everything goes well 

Hugs Beck

Raqui


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## Raqui (Jul 29, 2008)

Missblueyedeath said:


> All I can say is "wow".
> 
> 
> Is there a connection between abuse and obesity?
> ...





I feel for you and your story. It is a shame. Though I cannot agree 100% Yes in your story i see that Abuse and Obesity are connnected. But not for everyone. Food for me has no shame or bad memories. I am not justified or hiding when eating. I dont use food for comfort. Food for me is about celebration, friends fun love and a good time. 

But what I can say Is I believe that many parents who love to feed their children do so because they had hard times in their life. I know my mother went with out food many times in her childhood. So if nothing esle I was going to have as much food as I wanted and never went hungry for a minute. So did my older siblings. But they were not fat by any means. So I believe Genetics plays a big part in my weight.

But personally i dont associate food and abuse in my life.

Hugs Raqui


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 29, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> I noticed a contradiction in something i said...
> 
> I posted that all of the rapists, stalkers and scary men were all previous to my website...though that's really not true. It makes me wonder if maybe i am separating the two...because i still have these crazy "incidents" happen in real life since having had the website. I guess that leads me to the question of 1) do these incidents not seem as "scary" to me now as they did back before i had a website when i was younger, or 2) maybe i've just separated the couple of online weirdo's i've dealt with as non-scary because they're not in my face and threatening as other things i've dealt with in my real life...so the online stuff doesn't count.
> 
> Just thinking out loud lol.... I noticed that what i said didn't quite jive and it led me to question it...and figured i'd acknowledge the contradiction. gonna have to think about this a lil more i suppose heh.



I think it comes from an understanding now that their behavior has nothing at all to do with you and how you look. People have used that excuse for centuries. "You got on a short skirt, therefore I can be a total ape and it's okay 'cause it's your fault." At a time when we were young and ignorant the idea of fault being laid at our feet was the pervasive wisdom and we accepted it and possibly felt a mild form of guilt over the abuse. I don't think you'd be able to model at all if you still thought that way. You know that whatever someone else does has everything to do with who they are inside and not you. I'm thankful for the men of good character that I do know who've probably been some of my greatest teachers/healers unbeknownst to them.

Speaking only for myself of course. YRMV.


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## KendraLee (Jul 29, 2008)

Missblueyedeath said:


> All I can say is "wow".
> 
> I've wanted to read this thread since it was first posted, but really didn't feel I could re-hash all my bad memories.
> 
> ...



this kind of thing happens with children a lot more than I think people might realize. I think that children who are abusing children are more than likely being abused themselves and/or are being exposed to porn at an extremely young age. Just last week at work I was being told about an instance where this is happening at a summer camp in my area. My agency has had to report the abuse and its being investigated. In this case the youth involved lives on a pretty heavy diet of porn.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 29, 2008)

KendraLee said:


> It rings so true for me when you say the neighbor down the street. Thats who it was for me when I was 3 and 4 and 5 come to think of it. The grandfather of the kids I played with down the street. When the grandfather died just a few years back I found out through another friend of mine who is distantly related. When she mentioned to the grandaughter that she was sorry for her loss the grandaughter replied that she wasn't. The man was an accused molester but not convicted and I had always wondered if he had molested his own grandaughter. I could never imagine how her parents allowed that man to live in the same house as their children



Maybe they didn't know. The man who molested me for 7 years was my grandfather and for several of those years he lived with my family. My parents had no idea, and when I came forward it tore my family apart.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

oh yeah i think you're absolutely right..i had to come to that conclusion a long time ago. I think the guilt can be more than mild though...or maybe it was just for me...i dunno. It took a while to understand that it wasn't something i did. Of course, after the 2nd rape, our high school band was taking a trip to Washington DC and when my family found out what happened to me, my gramma asked me, "how do you expect us to trust you on a trip when you've let something like this happen". That was about the stupidest thing you could ever say to someone who had just been raped..and i told her that too in so many words, but it *still* affected me. 

This contradiction bothered me all night though lol. I think that once i started the website I had already dealt with a lot of my issues. I'd also learned that even though these things weren't my fault and i didn't put myself in these situations...i still had to be careful about winding up in a potentially dangerous situation. So..i think that I have done my damndest to make sure i'm not in any potentially dangerous situations since that point in my life. So none of the situations i've been in since then have been "scary" to me. Though i'm also aware that stuff like this can happen even if you do everything possible to keep it from happening. I think too that i have become accustomed to these things happening periodically, which is far too common with all women. So i can just shrug them off as a non-occurance.



LillyBBBW said:


> I think it comes from an understanding now that their behavior has nothing at all to do with you and how you look. People have used that excuse for centuries. "You got on a short skirt, therefore I can be a total ape and it's okay 'cause it's your fault." At a time when we were young and ignorant the idea of fault being laid at our feet was the pervasive wisdom and we accepted it and possibly felt a mild form of guilt over the abuse. I don't think you'd be able to model at all if you still thought that way. You know that whatever someone else does has everything to do with who they are inside and not you. I'm thankful for the men of good character that I do know who've probably been some of my greatest teachers/healers unbeknownst to them.
> 
> Speaking only for myself of course. YRMV.


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## snuggletiger (Jul 29, 2008)

I just don't understand how a relative could molest another relative. I just find myself appalled and shocked that someone could molest a youngster in their family.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 29, 2008)

YES! Yes yes YES! My family was like that too. "What were you doing over there in the first place?" I can remember my elderly second cousin saying. I got dirty looks from her and her husband. To this day I just don't even understand that. It's ignorant, plain and simple. It got so I stopped talking about the incidents because it was always, "You shoulda did this," or, "You shouldna dun that." In my case it was another boy round my age, maybe a little older. Schools and so fourth went out of their way to try to protect and coddle him because he had this horrible homelife, meanwhile I was just a stepping stone for his cry for help in everyone's eyes. The system is truly broken. To me that shithead knew EXACTLY what he was doing. My brother taught me to box, I became a fearsome bully and suddenly he was miraculously rehabilitated.  What a bum.

Anyway, that was my coping method of choice. The food and fat was something I would have done anyway. I do think that just the knowledge that you don't have to take anybody's mess just because you exist is a night and day difference in itself. The boxing was merely a bonus and a damn good one. 





largenlovely said:


> oh yeah i think you're absolutely right..i had to come to that conclusion a long time ago. I think the guilt can be more than mild though...or maybe it was just for me...i dunno. It took a while to understand that it wasn't something i did. Of course, after the 2nd rape, our high school band was taking a trip to Washington DC and when my family found out what happened to me, my gramma asked me, "how do you expect us to trust you on a trip when you've let something like this happen". That was about the stupidest thing you could ever say to someone who had just been raped..and i told her that too in so many words, but it *still* affected me.
> 
> This contradiction bothered me all night though lol. I think that once i started the website I had already dealt with a lot of my issues. I'd also learned that even though these things weren't my fault and i didn't put myself in these situations...i still had to be careful about winding up in a potentially dangerous situation. So..i think that I have done my damndest to make sure i'm not in any potentially dangerous situations since that point in my life. So none of the situations i've been in since then have been "scary" to me. Though i'm also aware that stuff like this can happen even if you do everything possible to keep it from happening. I think too that i have become accustomed to these things happening periodically, which is far too common with all women. So i can just shrug them off as a non-occurance.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

yeah and i think an *adult* can see that a situation may be potentially dangerous where as a child/teenager doesn't understand that...just not enough life experience...talk about learning quick eh? But that still doesn't mean it's our fault..we were still violated.

During the first rape (I was 15 and he was around 21), the guys "God fearing" very religious mother walked in after hearing me screaming..she saw me struggling and then walked right back out as if she didn't see a thing. I bled for days (I was a virgin) but was too scared to tell my parents..I wound up borrowing the money from the people i babysat for and told them i'd make up for it with watching their kids(they didn't ask any questions). I used the money to go to a gynecologist. They said that there was damage but it would heal by itself. I'm surprised they didn't ask me to report it...but they didn't. Which...the guy wound up later going to jail for raping someone else. I heard he died not long ago in a car accident *shrug* The only reason i know is because it was a small town in Indiana where it happened and i still keep in touch with people from there and my dads family is still up there. I'm glad to know all that though honestly. 

The 2nd one was our high school prom queen's boyfriend...it happened after church. I screamed so loud that it drew attention and he wasn't able to finish, that was my only consolation in the entire matter. I told someone i felt i could trust in the church and she acted as if i was lying. I had a huge problem with religious people after both of these incidents ...for a very long time. I told his girlfriend about it..but she didn't want to believe me either. She was the prom queen afterall and i was just some fat girl in her class...why on *earth* would he want to rape me. She later came up to me and said she was greatful i told her, because he had started acting very aggressively with her and had scared her and she could see how he might would do something like that. I was greatful that she told me that...it made me at least feel like i'd stopped someone else from having to go through it. I'm not sure what happened to this guy...hopefully he's in jail somewhere. 

I think the hardest part about the 2nd one was that people outside of my family didn't want to believe me...My family knew me and knew that i wouldn't lie. These other people didn't..but it hurt that my character had come into question over it. Which, i suppose that's common too with these sorts of things. I eventually felt that his girlfriend believed me, which helped ... but i have to say i *still* feel somewhat angry towards that woman in the church who did not... when i think about it.


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## Beckoo (Jul 29, 2008)

When you are molested by several men and some of them were close relatives including your Father you really wonder about yourself. You ask yourself constantly what you did? Why me? How could the people that are supposed to love me most hurt me in the most horrible way? How could others know and not do anything? Questioning yourself and the events will eat you up. I know because I have been doing it for years. When I started this thread it wasn't to say all fat people were abused. I know people who are fat and were untouched. The reason I asked was merely out of curiosity. A therapist of mine told me they sought me out because I was so shy and weak. That actually isnt true for me. All the people who hurt me had permission (so to speak) from my parents. They were the true perpetrators in my pain. Both of them. I would go into more details about my abuse but I guess it would be pointless and unnecessary. As for saying you look this way or that way because of this or that is not necessarily always a bad thing. I mean saying youre fat because you like to eat is still labeling it, right? You felt the need to justify or explain it. I never specifically said I was fat because of my abuse. I just know I have felt the need to punish myself on occasions with different things. Sometimes when we are feeling isolated and depressed we just reach out and look for someone who can say..you are not alone. I have gotten some great help from this thread. I feel..not so alone and scared.

I will tell you what I hate is when people say get over it. How the f*ck could anybody have the balls to ever tell anyone else to get over something that they are feeling????????? I am not saying this happened here but it has happened to me. I would never have the audacity to tell someone to get over anything concerning subjects that hurts them. I would like to say thank you all for your openness and support. Rebecca


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 29, 2008)

Ladies I just wanted to say I am amazed at the courage you are all showing by sharing your stories.

I was molested by an Uncle when I was 7. At that moment my life and who I was changed forever. I have spent most of my life trying to get past the abuse. My father was physically and emotionally abusive as well and my mother was just nuts.

I've been to so many therapists I just can't do it anymore. I have come to the realization that the trauma will never be gone. But I have found that it fades and intensifies depending on how much stress I am dealing with.

I do think being abused played a big factor in me being fat - but that's me. I ate to feel better and fat offered me protection from men. I do not believe that the abuse is the only reason I am fat. I have had PCOS all my life but was not diagnosed until I was 40.

I find keeping my crazy, abusive family out of my life, helps keep the stress levels down for me. But every once in a while one of them will find me and create the drama I don't want in my life. So now, none of my family is welcome here except one cousin. That's it - I'm done with the drama.

Anyway I went off on a tangent there. But my family is connected to my abuse in many strange ways. I've stopped hoping it will all go away someday. I know now it won't. I still eat out of stress and anxiety. But these days it's less and less.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

i hope...HOPE ..that the person who told you to get over it was trying to do the "tough love" thing. I think though, in all honesty...that's what we gotta do in order to be ok...somehow...some way...get over it. I'm partially being facetious..we can never *really* get over it. But we gotta find our way to deal with it. My mother was also molested in the type of manner that you were. It was by her brother and he allowed his friends to join in whenever they wanted...it went on when she was between the ages of 6 and 12. My grandpa seemed to have "dirty old man" syndrome and made me VERY uncomfortable a number of times, but he never actually did anything that would be considered molestation. One of my best friends was molested by her dad for a number of years, before he shot and killed himself. 

We've all three sat down and talked about this stuff. We all agreed that we really just *had* to find a way to move on..to get over it..in *some* way. It's the only way to have any form of happiness...otherwise you'll forever be that scared little girl ya know? It's hard..that's for sure..and it's always helpful to have others who know where you're coming from. I'm sure greatful for this forum 



Beckoo said:


> I will tell you what I hate is when people say get over it. How the f*ck could anybody have the balls to ever tell anyone else to get over something that they are feeling????????? I am not saying this happened here but it has happened to me. I would never have the audacity to tell someone to get over anything concerning subjects that hurts them. I would like to say thank you all for your openness and support. Rebecca


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 29, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> yeah and i think an *adult* can see that a situation may be potentially dangerous where as a child/teenager doesn't understand that...just not enough life experience...talk about learning quick eh? But that still doesn't mean it's our fault..we were still violated.
> 
> During the first rape (I was 15 and he was around 21), the guys "God fearing" very religious mother walked in after hearing me screaming..she saw me struggling and then walked right back out as if she didn't see a thing. I bled for days (I was a virgin) but was too scared to tell my parents..I wound up borrowing the money from the people i babysat for and told them i'd make up for it with watching their kids(they didn't ask any questions). I used the money to go to a gynecologist. They said that there was damage but it would heal by itself. I'm surprised they didn't ask me to report it...but they didn't. Which...the guy wound up later going to jail for raping someone else. I heard he died not long ago in a car accident *shrug* The only reason i know is because it was a small town in Indiana where it happened and i still keep in touch with people from there and my dads family is still up there. I'm glad to know all that though honestly.
> 
> ...



It wasn't so much that people didn't believe me. It was the fact that people would look me up and down with this look that read like they felt the abuse was understandable under the circumstances. The world is full of whackos. For a year after the worst incident I didn't even leave the house except to go to school and come home. In that time I'd nurtured a lot of rage. The first time I ventured out alone it was like a fluke. He was the first person I encountered. He saw me, posed himself in an aggressive stance and walked quickly towards me like he was going to do something. I was so shocked at first because he was taller and older looking than I remember and I was a little unprepared. Then I remembered the rage and thought, "Who the fcuk does he think he is??" I waited still till he got to within reach and then I sucker punched him across the jaw and lunged for him with all my weight. I had to be pulled off of him but not before I inflicted a lot of damage that sent him running home dirty and with a mouth full of blood.

He never bothered me again and honestly the incident no longer registers signifigantly, I've put it behind me. What disturbs me when I do think about it is the idea that he may have been abusing other women/girls that I didn't know about. Where is he now? Is he still abusing women? Are they young girls, is he in jail, is he dead? I don't know and it makes me wish I could have done something more proactive rather than the instant gratification of empowered revenge from which I was the only benefactor. As a child your world is very self centered so I didn't think much on those things. Maybe I could have done something that would have stopped other people from being abused. It's a wonder I still have all my limbs given the adults that I had to depend on. Church ladies, priests, teachers, aunts - there's no limit on stupidity.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

i'm glad ya gotta punch in though hehe

And i understand that...I didn't think i had any options really..just had to suck it up. I wound up telling my parents about both incidents...though it was hardest to tell them about the first one. I thought my mom was going to go kill the guy (literally). So i mean...as a teenager telling your parents was what you were supposed to do....but I guess it would've been kind of pointless really. There wasn't any "proof"..i wouldn't have known that i wasn't supposed to bathe and go directly to the hospital. I just wanted to go HOME and wash myself for 20 hours non stop. 

but yeah...i got the "shoulda, if ya woulda, or had you only" stuff too. I think when it's from women it's harder to tell yourself that they just don't understand. Me and my dad talked about it and it's really just too hard for some men to fully comprehend i think. I know he meant well..and he was trying to show me there are things i need to think about to protect myself. 



LillyBBBW said:


> I waited still till he got to within reach and then I sucker punched him across the jaw and lunged for him with all my weight. I had to be pulled off of him but not before I inflicted a lot of damage that sent him running home dirty and with a mouth full of blood.
> 
> What disturbs me when I do think about it is the idea that he may have been abusing other women/girls that I didn't know about. Where is he now? Is he still abusing women? Are they young girls, is he in jail, is he dead? I don't know and it makes me wish I could have done something more proactive rather than the instant gratification of empowered revenge from which I was the only benefactor.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 29, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> It wasn't so much that people didn't believe me. It was the fact that people would look me up and down with this look that read like they felt the abuse was understandable under the circumstances. The world is full of whackos. For a year after the worst incident I didn't even leave the house except to go to school and come home. In that time I'd nurtured a lot of rage. The first time I ventured out alone it was like a fluke. He was the first person I encountered. He saw me, posed himself in an aggressive stance and walked quickly towards me like he was going to do something. I was so shocked at first because he was taller and older looking than I remember and I was a little unprepared. Then I remembered the rage and thought, "Who the fcuk does he think he is??" I waited still till he got to within reach and then I sucker punched him across the jaw and lunged for him with all my weight. I had to be pulled off of him but not before I inflicted a lot of damage that sent him running home dirty and with a mouth full of blood.
> 
> He never bothered me again and honestly the incident no longer registers signifigantly, I've put it behind me. What disturbs me when I do think about it is the idea that he may have been abusing other women/girls that I didn't know about. Where is he now? Is he still abusing women? Are they young girls, is he in jail, is he dead? I don't know and it makes me wish I could have done something more proactive rather than the instant gratification of empowered revenge from which I was the only benefactor. As a child your world is very self centered so I didn't think much on those things. Maybe I could have done something that would have stopped other people from being abused. It's a wonder I still have all my limbs given the adults that I had to depend on. Church ladies, priests, teachers, aunts - there's no limit on stupidity.



I understand wondering if you could have saved people from going through the same thing that you did. I never reported my molestation to the police and after my grandfather died I found out dozens of other kids (both boys and girls) had gone through the same thing as me. I've always carried a little bit of guilt about that.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 29, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> i'm glad ya gotta punch in though hehe
> 
> And i understand that...I didn't think i had any options really..just had to suck it up. I wound up telling my parents about both incidents...though it was hardest to tell them about the first one. I thought my mom was going to go kill the guy (literally). So i mean...as a teenager telling your parents was what you were supposed to do....but I guess it would've been kind of pointless really. There wasn't any "proof"..i wouldn't have known that i wasn't supposed to bathe and go directly to the hospital. I just wanted to go HOME and wash myself for 20 hours non stop.
> 
> but yeah...i got the "shoulda, if ya woulda, or had you only" stuff too. I think when it's from women it's harder to tell yourself that they just don't understand. Me and my dad talked about it and it's really just too hard for some men to fully comprehend i think. I know he meant well..and he was trying to show me there are things i need to think about to protect myself.



I remember telling my father and he said through gritted teeth and tightened lip, "Next time he puts his hands on you you try to break his jaw!" He cited my size saying big as I am I shouldn't be sitting there letting people do whatever they feel like to me. He was the one who put the bug in my brother's ear to approach me about learning some boxing moves since my brother had won a few medals in it. Once the rage had taken root I was ready. For me that kind of push was appropriate but it's not for everybody. I don't like someone saying, well what do you expect, you shouldnt have been there, you shouldnt have worn that, you shouldn't be hanging with those people, etc. Speaking only for me and not for anyone else I felt better being able to stand up for myself than look to people to take things in hand and do right by me. I'd lost my faith in adults through my experiences and learning to box sorta put power in my hands that I think I needed at that time. I've learned to depend upon myself more and turst my instincts which has been invaluable. At first I wanted my brothers to go out and hunt the little shit down and I was angry when they didn't all rise up and bum rush the door to do so. There was wisdom in making sure I'm able to handle myself and get a punch in which makes me suspect my father's wisdom in the matter came from a dark place where he understood better than I thought.


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## bexy (Jul 29, 2008)

I want to commend the bravery of every lady here who has spoken out.

I was abused by my grandfather. I didn't tell anyone as they wouldnt have believed me. My family was and still is fucked up. Mother is just plain evil, father an alcoholic.

The worst thing in my situation was, he did it to another relative. And she had the guts to tell. At that point the police advised I was taken to the doctors for a physical to see if I also had been a victim.
My mother wouldnt take me as "it wasnt her father being accused." So it was left to my drunken father.

He took me to the doctors, but never mentioned the abuse. Went under the pretence of something completely different. Years later I checked my medical records to confirm this.

I eventually told my mother when I was 17. Her response was "worse things have happened to nicer people."

I have hated her since then. I do blame her for the abuse. She said she always suspected. In my eyes any mother who suspected would have done more. Kept me away, took me the doctors herself. Any time I try to talk about this with her in the past she cries and screams "STOP BLAMING ME".

So I turned to counselling to try help me come to terms with not only the abuse, but the guilt I feel as I blame myself for it. Not the first time it happened but every time after that as I knew what to expect, child or not, and should have refused to be alone with him. The counsellor suggested I subconsciously made myself fat to keep men away.

He killed himself when he was on bail for the abuse to my cousin. He wrote a suicide note saying he never touched me and he loved me. My father whom I havent seen in 10 years still believes this. His mind is so warped from drink and drugs I wouldnt even try to tell him the truth if I saw him.

I like to think deep down my weight isnt caused by this as I was always, always large. But a lot of my other problems are caused by it such as my depression, anxiety etc. And when I am depressed I tend to eat more. So maybe inadvertently it is.


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## bexy (Jul 29, 2008)

Ella Bella said:


> I understand wondering if you could have saved people from going through the same thing that you did. I never reported my molestation to the police and after my grandfather died I found out dozens of other kids (both boys and girls) had gone through the same thing as me. I've always carried a little bit of guilt about that.



I can sympathise. My cousin had the guts to tell, I didn't. So she stood alone and was disowned by a lot of people who called her a liar.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

omg that is just a horrible..horrible thing for someone to say..especially from your own mother!!! I'd have to wonder if she was abused by him as well and maybe felt that you should just "deal with it" like maybe she did? I'm just trying to figure out why she responded like that...God...

You really shouldn't blame yourself though. If you are too ashamed to tell someone what's going on, then you certainly can't say "i don't want to go to grampa's because he's doing this to me". My grampa made me feel uncomfortable..and i did what i could to not be alone with him, but there were times that there was no way around it. I couldn't come out and say "grampa does this.." i just couldn't...children aren't adults and shouldn't be expected to rationalize as one. HE was the adult...the responsibility was on his shoulders...and your mothers since she knew. 



bexylicious said:


> I eventually told my mother when I was 17. Her response was "worse things have happened to nicer people."


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## bexy (Jul 29, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> omg that is just a horrible..horrible thing for someone to say..especially from your own mother!!! I'd have to wonder if she was abused by him as well and maybe felt that you should just "deal with it" like maybe she did? I'm just trying to figure out why she responded like that...God...
> 
> You really shouldn't blame yourself though. If you are too ashamed to tell someone what's going on, then you certainly can't say "i don't want to go to grampa's because he's doing this to me". My grampa made me feel uncomfortable..and i did what i could to not be alone with him, but there were times that there was no way around it. I couldn't come out and say "grampa does this.." i just couldn't...children aren't adults and shouldn't be expected to rationalize as one. HE was the adult...the responsibility was on his shoulders...and your mothers since she knew.



there is no rational explanation. my mother is a law unto herself. she is a horrible woman who hated me from the day i was born as she became agoraphobic when pregnant with me. 
she has also said classics such as "i only love you because i have to as youre my daughter, but i dont LIKE you, i dont understand why youre so popular."

the reason i blame myself bugs the life out of everyone i tell. i was a clever child. won a scholarship to my high school, one of only 2 given out. top of every class. i just know i was intelligent enough to know it was wrong. i never put up a struggle or screamed, i just went along with it. he asked me to say i was enjoying it as he abused me and i did. i said it. i blame myself for that.


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## Beckoo (Jul 29, 2008)

My Mother is still with one of the men who tried to rape me when I was 13. I still see his ugly face on occasion. Of course it wasn't just him. She was there and tried to help him. People cannot understand why I still speak to her and I for the life of me I can't understand. I think I just want her to have something good in her and keep hoping one day she will be a good mom. I should let it go. All she ever does is start shit. People don't understand how hard it is to turn on your parents. Know matter how horrible they are. My father was easier to let go but my mother is something else. Maybe because she never left. I know in my mind she will never be what I want but my heart still longs for a parent and that unconditional love. Pathetic really. Rebecca

Oh I did report this and they had to go to one counseling session. Really! That was it. The other time I tried to tell my mother turned on me and said I was a liar. They believed her. The times when I was younger went untold except to family and they didn't believe my mother would do those things.


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## bexy (Jul 29, 2008)

Beckoo said:


> My Mother is still with one of the men who tried to rape me when I was 13. I still see his ugly face on occasion. Of course it wasn't just him. She was there and tried to help him. People cannot understand why I still speak to her and I for the life of me I can't understand. I think I just want her to have something good in her and keep hoping one day she will be a good mom. I should let it go. All she ever does is start shit. People don't understand how hard it is to turn on your parents. Know matter how horrible they are. My father was easier to let go but my mother is something else. Maybe because she never left. *I know in my mind she will never be what I want but my heart still longs for a parent and that unconditional love.* Pathetic really. Rebecca
> 
> Oh I did report this and they had to go to one counseling session. Really! That was it. The other time I tried to tell my mother turned on me and said I was a liar. They believed her. The times when I was younger went untold except to family and they didn't believe my mother would do those things.



this is exactly, exactly, EXACTLY how I feel rebecca. I just read this out to my boyfriend and he asked if I had wrote it it sounded so like me.


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## Beckoo (Jul 29, 2008)

bexylicious said:


> this is exactly, exactly, EXACTLY how I feel rebecca.



That's why it is so hard when a parent betrays you. Because you do not stop loving them and wanting them to love you. Fucks with your head on the deepest levels. In other parts of your life you can walk away from the people who hurt you but in these cases......so tough. Not only do you have to deal with the abuse but the confusion as well. Rebecca


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

yes but intelligence and emotional maturity are two totally separate issues. You can be aware that something is wrong... but young enough that you just aren't capable of handling a situation emotionally. 

I'm a smart gal too, it really has nothing to do with intelligence...when it comes to dealing with certain things, the emotional maturity that comes with age just isn't there and can't BE there...and that's why it *really* and truly isn't your fault. I don't care if he made you *beg* for it...it STILL isn't your fault.



bexylicious said:


> the reason i blame myself bugs the life out of everyone i tell. i was a clever child. won a scholarship to my high school, one of only 2 given out. top of every class. i just know i was intelligent enough to know it was wrong.


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## ChubbyBubbles (Jul 29, 2008)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Sexually abused - fat all my life.



Same here.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

ya know...sometimes you just gotta let go though..as hard as it is. I would think that seeing your mother would continually bring all of it back..especially since she seems to have no signs of remorse and actually participated in this? I don't understand where you're coming from...not even gonna try to claim that i could..I'll only try to relate as much as i can..

My mother was physically abusive..and I finally decided that i'd had enough. I was bigger than her so I had been restraining her since i was 15 years old. Though she still got her shots in..belt buckle to the face, ramming my head into a steering wheel repeatedly..choking me to the point that i almost lost consciousness (just to name a few)...She had a lot of anger and i took a lot of beatings. I *finally* got to the point where i decided it was not going to happen anymore. I told her if she ever hit me again that i was going to hit her back rather than restrain her. I wound up blacking her eye and breaking her hand and she never hit me again...

You gotta stand up for yourself in order to get your self respect back. In some way, by continuing a relationship with her, you might feel that you're telling her it's ok that she did these things to you. If not consciously...maybe subconsciously. I'm just guessing of course...I can't tell you how you feel. I'm just trying to help sort it out if you don't mind. There has to be a defining moment ...a moment where you say THIS IS/WAS NOT OK!! ...i don't know if you've had that moment with her. If she can't accept that..well... I would say that for your own quality of life..it would be best to cut off the relationship. I think it would make you feel as if you stood up for yourself and made a choice about your future and who you want to be a part of it. 



Beckoo said:


> That's why it is so hard when a parent betrays you. Because you do not stop loving them and wanting them to love you. Fucks with your head on the deepest levels. In other parts of your life you can walk away from the people who hurt you but in these cases......so tough. Not only do you have to deal with the abuse but the confusion as well. Rebecca


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 29, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> ya know...sometimes you just gotta let go though..as hard as it is. I would think that seeing your mother would continually bring all of it back..especially since she seems to have no signs of remorse and actually participated in this? I don't understand where you're coming from...not even gonna try to claim that i could..I'll only try to relate as much as i can..
> 
> My mother was physically abusive..and I finally decided that i'd had enough. I was bigger than her so I had been restraining her since i was 15 years old. Though she still got her shots in..belt buckle to the face, ramming my head into a steering wheel..choking me to the point that i almost lost consciousness (just to name a few)...She had a lot of anger and i took a lot of beatings. I *finally* got to the point where i decided it was not going to happen anymore. I told her if she ever hit me again that i was going to hit her back rather than restrain her. I wound up blacking her eye and breaking her hand and she never hit me again...
> 
> You gotta stand up for yourself in order to get your self respect back. In some way, by continuing a relationship with her, you might feel that you're telling her it's ok that she did these things to you. If not consciously...maybe subconsciously. I'm just guessing of course...I can't tell you how you feel. I'm just trying to help sort it out if you don't mind. There has to be a defining moment ...a moment where you say THIS IS/WAS NOT OK!! ...i don't know if you've had that moment with her. If she can't accept that..well... I would say that for your own quality of life..it would be best to cut off the relationship. I think it would make you feel as if you stood up for yourself and made a choice about your future and who you want to be a part of it.



I agree with all of this. I would also like to add though that you should not feel pushed into doing things you are not ready for either - even if it's for a noble purpose. It's not cool to spend a lifetime being abused in a bad way and then being abused in a good way if I'm making any sense at all. You can only do what you can do, but you should keep in the back of your mind that something somewhere's gotta give. Somebody's got to speak out. The people around you may be too weak to do the right thing but that doesn't mean you have to stay that way. You can be successful where they have failed but do so when you are ready. That time will come if you want it. Just think about it and consider what it would feel like to finally be free of all of this.


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## largenlovely (Jul 29, 2008)

oh yeah..very true. My mother started beating me at 11 years old and continued into my early 20's before i finally reached a point of standing up to her. I love my family very much, but they are aware that if they don't treat me with respect that i deserve that i'll cut them out of my life. I would expect them to do the same if the situation was reversed. There's gotta be boundaries and respect for each other..and it's so hard for people who have come from abused environments to realize that and re-form the proper boundaries when the parental figures haven't done it. The children then become the parents in some ways...by establishing boundaries that the parents should have had in place to begin with....But yes...i agree...everything in its own time. 



LillyBBBW said:


> I agree with all of this. I would also like to add though that you should not feel pushed into doing things you are not ready for either - even if it's for a noble purpose.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 29, 2008)

Paul said:


> Another question: LnL (or anyone else) do you know why it is that some women have had several experiences were male strangers abuse them (stalking, rape, peeping tom, etc.) while other women have never experienced any abuse? I am *not* implying that some women ask or set themselves up for abuse, whike other women do not. I do lnow a couple of women who have been abused several times by different men wh were strangers to them. I also have met a few women who have told me they have never been abused. If the abused women are not seeking out abusive men, how come some women are abused several times and other women are never abused. (BTW my question may have no answer other than to say the difference can be chalked up to bad luck and nothing the woman did/did not do.)



Paul....I think a lot of my own abuse occurred because I grew up in a single parent home...and that one parent allowed it to occur. 
Statistics show that a lot predators seek out children from broken homes because they are easier targets. Why? You don't get the same attention and protection from one parent that is struggling to keep the family afloat alone. 
Then someone starts giving you attention and being nice to you.....and it's a child, Paul. A naive, don't know anything, innocent child. Does this explain it for you?



Raqui said:


> I dont associate my fat with my problems. My body is not some crule punishment it is my vehicle. NO matter how slow or ackward it might be for some or how difficult it maybe. I am honored to have it. This is not a journey that has come over night it is after years of developing myself reguardless of weight and enhancing the inside of me that I have come to realize. Who I am inside has nothing to do with my outside. And when your balanced inside everything goes well
> 
> 
> Raqui



I admire your attitude and strength. Not all women have your strength...but they can certainly learn from you. :bow:



Beckoo said:


> When you are molested by several men and some of them were close relatives including your Father you really wonder about yourself. You ask yourself constantly what you did? Why me? How could the people that are supposed to love me most hurt me in the most horrible way? How could others know and not do anything? Questioning yourself and the events will eat you up. I know because I have been doing it for years. When I started this thread it wasn't to say all fat people were abused. I know people who are fat and were untouched. The reason I asked was merely out of curiosity. A therapist of mine told me they sought me out because I was so shy and weak. That actually isnt true for me.* All the people who hurt me had permission (so to speak) from my parents. They were the true perpetrators in my pain. Both of them. *I would go into more details about my abuse but I guess it would be pointless and unnecessary. As for saying you look this way or that way because of this or that is not necessarily always a bad thing. I mean saying youre fat because you like to eat is still labeling it, right? You felt the need to justify or explain it. I never specifically said I was fat because of my abuse. I just know I have felt the need to punish myself on occasions with different things. Sometimes when we are feeling isolated and depressed we just reach out and look for someone who can say..you are not alone. I have gotten some great help from this thread. I feel..not so alone and scared.
> 
> I will tell you what I hate is when people say get over it. How the f*ck could anybody have the balls to ever tell anyone else to get over something that they are feeling????????? I am not saying this happened here but it has happened to me. I would never have the audacity to tell someone to get over anything concerning subjects that hurts them. I would like to say thank you all for your openness and support. Rebecca





bexylicious said:


> I eventually told my mother when I was 17. Her response was "worse things have happened to nicer people."
> 
> I have hated her since then. I do blame her for the abuse. She said she always suspected. In my eyes any mother who suspected would have done more. Kept me away, took me the doctors herself. Any time I try to talk about this with her in the past she cries and screams "STOP BLAMING ME".





Beckoo said:


> *My Mother is still with one of the men who tried to rape me when I was 13. I still see his ugly face on occasion. Of course it wasn't just him. She was there and tried to help him*. People cannot understand why I still speak to her and I for the life of me I can't understand. I think I just want her to have something good in her and keep hoping one day she will be a good mom. I should let it go. All she ever does is start shit. People don't understand how hard it is to turn on your parents. Know matter how horrible they are. My father was easier to let go but my mother is something else. Maybe because she never left. I know in my mind she will never be what I want but my heart still longs for a parent and that unconditional love. Pathetic really. Rebecca
> 
> Oh I did report this and they had to go to one counseling session. Really! That was it. The other time I tried to tell my mother turned on me and said I was a liar. They believed her. The times when I was younger went untold except to family and they didn't believe my mother would do those things.



All of this goes back to what I was trying to say to Paul.....most parents want to protect their children....but not all. 

I relate to both of you ladies on some level....and all I can say is stop waiting for something that probably isn't coming (the remorse of your parents). Pick up your lives and go from there...the best you can do is love yourself and know you are worth it. Other people can see this even if your parents cannot.....
It's incredibly hard, I know but it's what you need to do because you both deserve happiness and well being in the rest of your lives 



largenlovely said:


> ya know...sometimes you just gotta let go though..as hard as it is. I would think that seeing your mother would continually bring all of it back..especially since she seems to have no signs of remorse and actually participated in this? I don't understand where you're coming from...not even gonna try to claim that i could..I'll only try to relate as much as i can..
> 
> My mother was physically abusive..and I finally decided that i'd had enough. I was bigger than her so I had been restraining her since i was 15 years old. Though she still got her shots in..belt buckle to the face, ramming my head into a steering wheel repeatedly..choking me to the point that i almost lost consciousness (just to name a few)...She had a lot of anger and i took a lot of beatings. I *finally* got to the point where i decided it was not going to happen anymore. I told her if she ever hit me again that i was going to hit her back rather than restrain her. I wound up blacking her eye and breaking her hand and she never hit me again...
> 
> You gotta stand up for yourself in order to get your self respect back. In some way, by continuing a relationship with her, you might feel that you're telling her it's ok that she did these things to you. If not consciously...maybe subconsciously. I'm just guessing of course...I can't tell you how you feel. I'm just trying to help sort it out if you don't mind. There has to be a defining moment ...a moment where you say THIS IS/WAS NOT OK!! ...i don't know if you've had that moment with her. If she can't accept that..well... I would say that for your own quality of life..it would be best to cut off the relationship. I think it would make you feel as if you stood up for yourself and made a choice about your future and who you want to be a part of it.




I can relate to this too...your abuse won't stop until you make it stop. Bottom line......


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## Paul (Jul 30, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Paul....I think a lot of my own abuse occurred because I grew up in a single parent home...and that one parent allowed it to occur.
> Statistics show that a lot predators seek out children from broken homes because they are easier targets. Why? You don't get the same attention and protection from one parent that is struggling to keep the family afloat alone.
> Then someone starts giving you attention and being nice to you.....and it's a child, Paul. A naive, don't know anything, innocent child. Does this explain it for you?



Thanks for your response GEF. Your response helps me to understand why abuse sometimes happens. Several persons have responded in this thread that the abuser chooses his victim by looking for someone who has a weakness. Other posters have shared that sometimes abuse happens and there is no reason other than it happened.

About 10 years ago I was working in an inner city church and worked with many families whose lives were a daily struggle. Abuse was a common occurrence with the inner city families. The children often were raise by mothers and rarely, if ever, saw their fathers. So yes I can see how abuse can occur when a single parent is struggle to raise a family. In my work with this inner city church, I met some lonely children. Often the kids were told to go outside and play because the adults wanted the apartment to themselve (to have sex, drink, drugs). So the kids would wander the streets with nothing to do. So yes I can see how a friendly aduldt could lure a lonely child into a dangerous situation.

GEF I am not saying that what I saw in the my work in the inner city is what you home was like. Your mother very likely raised her children in the best manner she was able to. Then again a single parent raising children is not the same as a two parent family. With two parents you have help and do not have to do it all yourself.

It has been hard to read through all these posts. My eyes have truly been opened. I was fortunate enough to have grown up in a very loving home. My father and mother often made time for their children and we did lots of fun things together. My father worked as a doctor. One summer he took a position as a summer lecturer at the university in Manchester, England, no because he thought the summer job lecturing would be enjoyable. After he died last year, I found out he really did not want to take one this summer lecture series. He did the lecture series so he could take his whole family on a trip to Europe for the summer. That summer our family got to visit England, France, and Spain.

I grew up in a very loving home. I had loving parents. Yes I grew up hearing about "bad men". Still I never had to worry about bad things such as abuse. The worst thing that ever happened to me growing up was being sent to bed omce or twice without supper. But as I remember I had been misbehaved and deserved to be sent to bed without supper.

It was only one minor event when I was in my teens and an older man tried to lure me into something I wasn't comfortable doing (as I related in an earlier post) and thats it. Still it is hard to read many of these posts. I can related much of what has been posted to the people I worked with in the inner city. Its scary. 

What I may never understand is how these abusers can do the things they do.

As I type this post I remember one event that occurred when I lived in Saskatoon. I was attending University and living with my grandparents. I came home from classes and my Grandmother told me that the daughter of the next door neighbor being missing for over five years. A man had kidnapped her and kept her trapped in a pit he dug in his basement 6' x8' with only a dim light bulb. He would give her food and periodically rape her. If I remember correctly his wife never knew about the kidnapping until the police informed her after the girl was located. Reading all these posts has brought back the pain I felt when I first heard what had happened to our neighbour's daughter. 

How can some men be so horribly evil. I don't believe I will ever be able to understand how someone could hurt a women this badly; to rape them or to keep one trapped in a pit and periodically rape her. I just don't get it!


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 30, 2008)

Paul said:


> Thanks for your response GEF. Your response helps me to understand why abuse sometimes happens. Several persons have responded in this thread that the abuser chooses his victim by looking for someone who has a weakness. Other posters have shared that sometimes abuse happens and there is no reason other than it happened.
> 
> About 10 years ago I was working in an inner city church and worked with many families whose lives were a daily struggle. Abuse was a common occurrence with the inner city families. The children often were raise by mothers and rarely, if ever, saw their fathers. So yes I can see how abuse can occur when a single parent is struggle to raise a family. In my work with this inner city church, I met some lonely children. Often the kids were told to go outside and play because the adults wanted the apartment to themselve (to have sex, drink, drugs). So the kids would wander the streets with nothing to do. So yes I can see how a friendly aduldt could lure a lonely child into a dangerous situation.
> 
> ...



Paul I also grew up in the city and abuse was ripe there. The police were often called in looking for some creepy dude who came into the housing developement propositioning young kids with candy or a puppy. Once such guy was caught wearing a business suit with a briefcase that had rope and a huge jar of petrolium jelly in it among other things. Cars would be parked outside of schools and men would be caught taking photographs or masturbating. 

I had two loving parents who did their best, I did not grow up via a single parent. We had family outings, I had a curfew, I was taught how to be street smart but still you cant escape the realities of life. I think the incidences of abuse may have a lot to do with the environment you live in such as an inner city, you have the misfortune of growing up in a family with abusers in it who know how to find a way or possibly both sadly. Often loving parents are unwilling to believe that their brother/father/priest/paper boy would harm their child so it's a hard sell to get them to register that something is seriously wrong, especially when children don't have the language or adult comfort level to speak boldly about what happened. Often it's the nicest man/woman/kid you ever met otherwise they would never get away with it as much as they do. My mother was a pain in the ass at times in trying to keep an open channel of communication between us where I can come to her and tell her anything, yet some of the subtle incidents I did tell her about she was reluctant to believe because I was talking about good ol' Chuck and it just wouldn't solidify in her mind.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 30, 2008)

Reading Lilly's post reminded me of a recurrent thought I have about sexual abuse.....many people just simply don't want to know...or that is how it seems to me. It's a horrible thing....and people can't wrap their minds around it easily.....so they think it's "not possible" often times. 
I told a Sunday school teacher about getting beaten so often....her response was to tell my Mother. I explained that I had and she would do nothing....the lady just said I needed to tell my Mom again. 
It was a normal thing for me to have black eyes, split lips, big bruises in various places on my body...but no one thought it odd. 
I did try to stop my own abuse as a lonely, fearful child...but could simply find no safe havens.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 30, 2008)

Given the collective experiences here I'd love to ask everyone a question if you feel able to answer. If a child came to you and told you of abuse how would you handle it? What would you do? Do you have any suggestions for those who may face such a situation but have never been abused themselves?


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 30, 2008)

I would immediately call child protective services or the police.

I would not let the child go home without doing something. 




LillyBBBW said:


> Given the collective experiences here I'd love to ask everyone a question if you feel able to answer. If a child came to you and told you of abuse how would you handle it? What would you do? Do you have any suggestions for those who may face such a situation but have never been abused themselves?


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## largenlovely (Jul 30, 2008)

ya know what's funny for me?....i would've rather been in the abusive home with both of my folks than out of it....I was miserable growing up at times, with my mom being so mentally unstable..but at the same time, there were *some* good times...and even though we had major problems, our family always stuck together..the abuse i went through made me a very strong person and i like the person i am. This thread has actually helped me to realize how far i've come and made me cry...not out of sadness, but out of pure personal achievement from where i used to be. 

I can't say that i was totally innocent in the situations of abuse either. There were times mother was beating my dad and it would hurt me so bad to watch that, i would purposefully taunt her and make her angry so that she would take it out on me instead of him. Of course he would become angry that i did this. My dad was no weakling, he just took it from her. Same for my siblings..if i felt that mother was going to attack one of them, I would do something to get her attention and take the beating myself. I could take a beating...I was used to it..so the beating hurt much less for me than watching one of THEM take it. I just loved them too much to watch them get hurt and i felt that i was stronger than them and better capable of handling it. She never laid a hand on my brother or sister though. I later found out that she felt i was too "headstrong" and she said she didn't know how to deal with that. 

I think too that i've come out of it relatively lucky...in the sense that, I finally did stand up to her, i later realized that her anger was from her own abuse and we finally came to a point of mutual respect and have managed to find a working relationship. She still apologizes for what she did periodically. She has recovered some of her mind because she's taking the appropriate medication and she has a lot of guilt over the way she treated me. Which also aids in my own healing i suppose. 

Of course...my abuse was physical rather than sexual as far as in the home. Which makes it a totally different story.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 30, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> ya know what's funny for me?....i would've rather been in the abusive home with both of my folks than out of it....I was miserable growing up at times, with my mom being so mentally unstable..but at the same time, there were *some* good times...and even though we had major problems, our family always stuck together..the abuse i went through made me a very strong person and i like the person i am. This thread has actually helped me to realize how far i've come and made me cry...not out of sadness, but out of pure personal achievement from where i used to be.
> 
> I can't say that i was totally innocent in the situations of abuse either. There were times mother was beating my dad and it would hurt me so bad to watch that, i would purposefully taunt her and make her angry so that she would take it out on me instead of him. Of course he would become angry that i did this. My dad was no weakling, he just took it from her. Same for my siblings..if i felt that mother was going to attack one of them, I would do something to get her attention and take the beating myself. I could take a beating...I was used to it..so the beating hurt much less for me than watching one of THEM take it. I just loved them too much to watch them get hurt and i felt that i was stronger than them and better capable of handling it. She never laid a hand on my brother or sister though. I later found out that she felt i was too "headstrong" and she said she didn't know how to deal with that.
> 
> ...



This post demonstrates why I would be hesitant to jump right in and call the law the moment a child says something is going on. This would not hold true for every child but I feel that in some cases if a child has already been traumatized by something I don't want to inflict more trauma by having a complete upheaval where s/he has to endure his/her life spiraling out of control. I would find out if the child has told his/her parents or if s/he feels comfortable doing so. If so I would offer to go with them to help tell them again. If they don't feel comfortable talking to their parents possibly because they themselves are the abusers I would offer to hold his/her hand while they talk to the police. But I would gently make it clear that I can't just let them walk out of there knowing that someone is going to hurt them. They would know that I have to tell the police and that what's been happening to them is wrong and not supposed to happen.


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## largenlovely (Jul 30, 2008)

Yeah..it's a touchy situation....because you never know which child is really better off in the abusive home rather than out of it....

I would've never let on to the abuse that was going on. In fact, I wasn't even aware that it really *was* abuse for a long time. When a friend told me that their parents whooped them for something...i figured they gotta beating like the kind i got. Once i was old enough to fully understand it...I wouldn't tell a soul and nobody seemed to know. My best friend knew because my brother told her about it before he died...but we never discussed it amongst ourselves until i was much older and i'm really glad she respected my privacy until i was ready to tell her about it. 



LillyBBBW said:


> This post demonstrates why I would be hesitant to jump right in and call the law the moment a child says something is going on.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 30, 2008)

Man. I could tell you stories about the foster care system. There are lots of great foster parents out there but a good friend of mine reported to a teacher a terrible home situation where both her parents were addicts. She and her brothers and sisters were taken out of the home and then separated to go to different homes where they were mistreated. They were basically taken from a crack house where they were physically unharmed to be placed into foster care where they were either taken advantage of or abused. lol @ the irony. It's a slippery slope.




largenlovely said:


> Yeah..it's a touchy situation....because you never know which child is really better off in the abusive home rather than out of it....
> 
> I would've never let on to the abuse that was going on. In fact, I wasn't even aware that it really *was* abuse for a long time. When a friend told me that their parents whooped them for something...i figured they gotta beating like the kind i got. Once i was old enough to fully understand it...I wouldn't tell a soul and nobody seemed to know. My best friend knew because my brother told her about it before he died...but we never discussed it amongst ourselves until i was much older and i'm really glad she respected my privacy until i was ready to tell her about it.


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## largenlovely (Jul 30, 2008)

yeah that would've been disastrous!!! That poor girl...Ya know, isn't it rather difficult to adopt children? Don't you have to go through this whole drawn out process...don't they make them do that to be a foster parent too? I don't know anything about the procedures but GOD.....maybe they should make it a lil more difficult even.



LillyBBBW said:


> She and her brothers and sisters were taken out of the home and then separated to go to different homes where they were mistreated. They were basically taken from a crack house where they were physically unharmed to be placed into foster care where they were either taken advantage of or abused.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 30, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> yeah that would've been disastrous!!! That poor girl...Ya know, isn't it rather difficult to adopt children? Don't you have to go through this whole drawn out process...don't they make them do that to be a foster parent too? I don't know anything about the procedures but GOD.....maybe they should make it a lil more difficult even.



There isn't exactly a long list of people just itchin' to be a foster parent. With the amount of kids that need to be placed I wonder if the system doesn't let a thing or two slide? In the case of my friend, the foster mom she got really wanted a boy. She already had one boy in her home and was terribly disappointed when my friend showed up on her door. She doted on that boy and just took the money the system alloted her for my friend without doing anything for her. Treated her like crap. The relationship between that woman and the boy gave her the heebee jeebees. She finally got out of there and was put into a safe house roommate situation with another foster child her age where she could go to school and work. Her roommate would smoke dope in the house, was a gang banger, mean to her, stole from her, would have weird men in there that leered at her and made her uncomfortable. It was so fcuked up. Somewhere along the line she found religion. It was the thing she clung to to get through. She's alright now, but damn.


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## largenlovely (Jul 30, 2008)

I've actually considered doing this at some point in my life....

I decided a long long time ago that i didn't want to have children of my own. The very idea terrifies me on so many levels, especially a small child who isn't able to take care of itself....plus, i think about how there are so many unwanted children out there as it is..and how hard the teenage years are...

it's sad that there are people who would mistreat a child who has come from an environment like that already. If my dad hadn't been there to talk to about life and help me sort things out..i would've been a mess. A lot of these kids really just need someone to talk to about it all...someone who can help them sort things out in their head...

I'm glad your friend found her way through all of that...but yeah...what a mess!! 



LillyBBBW said:


> There isn't exactly a long list of people just itchin' to be a foster parent.
> 
> Somewhere along the line she found religion. It was the thing she clung to to get through. She's alright now, but damn.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 30, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> I've actually considered doing this at some point in my life....
> 
> I decided a long long time ago that i didn't want to have children of my own. The very idea terrifies me on so many levels, especially a small child who isn't able to take care of itself....plus, i think about how there are so many unwanted children out there as it is..and how hard the teenage years are...
> 
> ...



Yeah, for a lot of kids they prefer the devil they know. IMO it would have been cheaper if they forced the parents into rehab via a court order and let the kids stay with their grandmother. I think in the long run it would have been cheaper and much more sane for the sake of the children. My friend was 15, old enough to assist her Nana in caring for herself and her brother and sister. They were in the foster care system till they were old enough to get out. That was a long time and a great cost to the taxpayers for something that did more harm than good.


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## olwen (Aug 1, 2008)

Beckoo said:


> My Mother is still with one of the men who tried to rape me when I was 13. I still see his ugly face on occasion. Of course it wasn't just him. She was there and tried to help him. People cannot understand why I still speak to her and I for the life of me I can't understand. I think I just want her to have something good in her and keep hoping one day she will be a good mom. I should let it go. All she ever does is start shit. People don't understand how hard it is to turn on your parents. Know matter how horrible they are. My father was easier to let go but my mother is something else. Maybe because she never left. *I know in my mind she will never be what I want but my heart still longs for a parent and that unconditional love. Pathetic really. *Rebecca
> 
> Oh I did report this and they had to go to one counseling session. Really! That was it. The other time I tried to tell my mother turned on me and said I was a liar. They believed her. The times when I was younger went untold except to family and they didn't believe my mother would do those things.



Rebecca this isn't pathetic. It makes perfect sense to me to want to have a loving parent to give you unconditional love. 

My father was mostly verbally and sometimes physically abusive and his behavior overall was just erratic and unpredictable. I never knew if he was going to be quiet and nice or crazed and screaming and violent when he came home at night. All I knew was, when I heard that elevator door slam it was time to run into my room and shut and bar the door. When I was a kid I just accepted that is how fathers behave and I didn't think much about it except to figure out ways to stay out of his way. It just never occurred to me that fathers are supposed to be loving and nurturing and all that until a year or two before he died when I was well over 30. I started feeling like wanting to have had a good father was stupid and pathetic because after all I'm a strong woman and I managed all these years without one just fine. I don't need no stinking nurturing father, but no, turns out I do. 

There have been plenty of times, recently in fact, where I felt like I needed the kind of support that only a nurturing father can give and each time it made me feel angry and frustrated and sad. Why the fuck shouldn't I have gotten a better father instead of a crazed abusive one? What the fuck did I or my sisters or my mother do to deserve that? They're feelings I just deal with daily these days.

It's made me realize too I now seek out the kind of men who can provide me with the kind of nurturing I didn't get as a child and I'm not sure if the way I go about it is the right way or not, but for now so be it.

This thread actually prompted me to mention all those mixed up feelings I have towards my own father: anger, frustration, fear, longing to my therapist and when she said those feelings made sense to her I almost cried, cause all that time I thought I was just being weak, but no, I was being normal. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with wanting your parents to be what parents are supposed to be - nurturing and loving. 

Just figuring out how to deal with it when they aren't this way is the kicker and it seems to me like it doesn't matter how as long as we all do. So some may eat, cut, drink, do drugs, box, scream, do meditation, go to therapy, press charges, do tai chi, start a thread...who the fuck cares as long as we just get to let it out and learn from it all.


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## olwen (Aug 2, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> Given the collective experiences here I'd love to ask everyone a question if you feel able to answer. If a child came to you and told you of abuse how would you handle it? What would you do? Do you have any suggestions for those who may face such a situation but have never been abused themselves?



I wouldn't even know how to begin to answer that. After the Nixmarie Brown scandal here I'd be reluctant to call child services. They knew about her case but never took her out of the home. Child services was overhauled big time after that. I see ads in the subway calling for competent case workers now. 

If I were a child care worker or a nurse or something like that I'd be required by law to do that, but as a regular citizen I don't know that I would intervene unless I saw that the child was bruised or something like that. Actually there is a new mother living down the hall from me and her baby has collic. I heard that someone called the police on her thinking the baby was abused. That made me a little angry. This person who I'm guessing lived either below or above her apartment could have knocked on the door to ask if everything was okay, but didn't. None of us on this floor did, cause we've seen her with the baby and we know it just cries all the time. I dunno...it's just a tough call.


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## mariac1966 (Aug 2, 2008)

Growing up I lived with an abusive father. He was verbally and physically abusive. I listened and cried as he beat my mother so bad that she had to have a hysterectomy. He molested my sister and got her started on drugs. He hit my brother so hard one time that he cracked his ribs. Towards me, my father projected mostly verbal abuse, or at least he tried. I never listened to what he said anyway. He only hit me one time and I pressed charges against him, got a restraining order placed against him, and got him evicted from the apartment. 

When I was in my 20's, I was raped 4 times - twice by my girlfriend's brother, once was a date rape, and one time a guy grabbed me while I was waiting for a bus. 

I started gaining weight after I came out of the coma at age 8. I had a fever of 109 degrees which reset my body to be larger and aged my insides to 30 years older than what I am (if you saw x-rays of my bones, they look ancient). I was never a big eater but continued to gain weight and I never used food as a source of comfort. I found comfort in knowledge, learning, reading.... so I delved into my books and school work as my escape. 

I don't think the sexual abuse caused my weight. I think I would have been this way even if I lived in a normal household with 2 loving parents and had never gone through the rapes. 

However, I will say that the things that I have gone through have made me a stronger person. I still struggle with self-esteem issues, but everyday I wake up I remind myself that I am a good person and worth the effort. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, although we may not know the reason. My life's trials have helped me help others in need who have experienced similar things to me.


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Aug 2, 2008)

olwen said:


> Paul, I don't think the question you're asking has a clear cut easy to digest answer. It just happens. Why have some of us been abused and others not? Who knows. You could ask this about any of the horrible things that happen in the world. Who knows why.
> 
> ....But to attempt a real answer, because the abuser felt like it seems like enough of an explanation for me. He just fucking felt like it and we were all in the wrong place at the wrong time (it's happened to me as an adult). That he just felt like it was all the explanation I needed to or wanted to hear for the simple fact that no other explanation could possibly be more rational.




Yeah. Some individuals have been struck by lightining six or seven times in their lives. 

Sometimes, gods and humans just become total dicks.


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## Beckoo (Jul 17, 2009)

Sometimes the pills quit working and the nightmares come back
Every time I bury that part of me it somehow resurrects itself. The only good thing is that it will eventually pass. I just hope soon. Take care, Rebecca


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 17, 2009)

Beckoo said:


> Sometimes the pills quit working and the nightmares come back
> Every time I bury that part of me it somehow resurrects itself. The only good thing is that it will eventually pass. I just hope soon. Take care, Rebecca



((((((Rebecca)))))) I hope you are able to find peace with this soon. You are deserving. :kiss2:


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## Russell Williams (Jul 17, 2009)

There is the theory that fat women are fat because they were abused and do not want to be found attractive. Those thearpists and such who believe this should come to a Dimensions or NAAFA dance. I would love to listen to the thearpists standing in the middle of a NAAFA or Dimensions dance and start to explain that the fat women there are trying to be certain that no man or woman finds them sexually attractive.

Russell Williams


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 17, 2009)

Russell...for myself, that theory is true...on some level.


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## Theatrmuse/Kara (Jul 17, 2009)

I also fall into that category...........but then TONS of WOMEN have been victims of sexual abuse .............and a lot of these women happen to be fat like me...........doesn't found like a scientific theory to me though.......just that a lot of all women happen to be fat.


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## BarbBBW (Jul 18, 2009)

i was sexually abused for about a 4 year span by 3 diff men when i was around 7-11 y/o
I was always fat, but I forgave the men to my self and forgave myself. ,. and moved on. I am fat cause i LOVE food I LOVE being a girl . PERIOD


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## Cors (Jul 18, 2009)

Sorry to hear that Rebecca, and I hope things look up for you soon. Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself. 

In response to the original topic, I guess changing one's body as a way of coping goes both ways. I was sexually abused as a child and in my teens by men who told me they picked me for my "fat, womanly curves" (I believed that then, now I know it is just an excuse). I ended up with bad injuries after a particularly vicious attack, couldn't eat for weeks and got to a shocking low weight. People who used to leer at my body started looking away in shock and horror - I loved it and decided to maintain that size despite health scares. I felt like that was the only way I could "purify" and reclaim my body, plus my obsession with control distracted me from the nightmares. 

I am pretty much recovered now and I find that I get much more attention at a higher weight, but I suppose that is because I am usually seen as "too thin" in the first place.


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## Keb (Jul 18, 2009)

I've wanted to be a foster parent for a long time, but I'm not in a place where I can support myself yet, so it's not something I can do right now. It is something I'd love to do in the future, however. 

As for the original post...There are so many factors to obesity in different people that no doubt, abuse and obesity may go hand in hand for some people. But OTH I grew up in a loving home with no abuse and still wound up fat. So...I'd say it's probably a factor but not the only one by a longshot. 

*hugs* to all of you who have had to go through those things.


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## mel (Jul 19, 2009)

1st of all..(((((hugs))))) to all you wonderful strong women. It's a hard thing to go through any type of abuse.. sexual,mental,verbal,physical. I have thought about this for many years and wondered about the connection. I definitely think that the abuse I encounter as a child has affected my relationships with men...and maybe weight but not so sure. I have always wondered if I have gained the weight and not worried about losing it becuase it is was a self guarding mechanism. However..when I became involved in the BBW/FA community my thoughts were skewed because ..holy moly..all of a sudden I was beautiful because I was fat (or better to say that men were attracted to me for my size or regardless of my size). I think that it may be related but honestly I am fat now because I dont exercise..pure and simple.

Now,2nd and most important..what is so troubling is ...how many children have been abused.

ok, my wrist is killing me now so I wont get to write everything I wanted to...so...
Let me sum this up...put me in a room with one of these asses..lock the door...walk away.. you can pick up the body later!


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## saucywench (Jul 19, 2009)

mel said:


> Now,2nd and most important..what is so troubling is ...how many children have been abused.


Far, far more than your mind could comprehend. Far, far more than your soul could tolerate.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 19, 2009)

Russell Williams said:


> There is the theory that fat women are fat because they were abused and do not want to be found attractive. Those thearpists and such who believe this should come to a Dimensions or NAAFA dance. I would love to listen to the thearpists standing in the middle of a NAAFA or Dimensions dance and start to explain that the fat women there are trying to be certain that no man or woman finds them sexually attractive.
> 
> Russell Williams




Russell, were you ever sexually abused as a child? It is something that can be extremely damaging to every part of a child's life, and that can lead to this idea of self preservation by making yourself unattractive. Fat, whether we like it or not is seen as unattractive by the vast majority of society. Is it so very unimaginable to you that a child who was abused, would try to turn their abuser off, or do something to prevent abuse in the future?

Abused children growing into fat men and women doesn't have to be a fat politics topic.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 20, 2009)

Ella Bella said:


> Russell, were you ever sexually abused as a child? It is something that can be extremely damaging to every part of a child's life, and that can lead to this idea of self preservation by making yourself unattractive. Fat, whether we like it or not is seen as unattractive by the vast majority of society. Is it so very unimaginable to you that a child who was abused, would try to turn their abuser off, or do something to prevent abuse in the future?
> 
> Abused children growing into fat men and women doesn't have to be a fat politics topic.



I'm fat and I was never sexually abused. A friend of mine is anorexic and she was sexually abused. She is convinced that her anorexia was triggered as a direct result of the abuse. Are all skinny people anorexics or victims of sexually abuse? I don't think Russell was saying what you think he was saying. It is undeniable that fatness like anything else can be a coping mechanism but I don't think one can go so far as to assume fatness is automatically indicative of something.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 20, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I'm fat and I was never sexually abused. A friend of mine is anorexic and she was sexually abused. She is convinced that her anorexia was triggered as a direct result of the abuse. Are all skinny people anorexics or victims of sexually abuse? I don't think Russell was saying what you think he was saying. It is undeniable that fatness like anything else can be a coping mechanism but I don't think one can go so far as to assume fatness is automatically indicative of something.




Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my post. I wasn't saying that being fat was, or wasn't, indicative of anything. Just that it is possible that some people who were sexually abused as children are fat because of that abuse. 
Russel's seemingly inability to even grasp that idea is what bothered and offended me. By saying he'd like to see doctors attend a NAFFA event and tell fat people they are fat because they are trying to make themselves unattractive to other people, says to me that he wasn't even paying attention to what was being discussed in this thread. 

I'm fat, I've been fat all my life, I was also sexually abused for 7 years by a family member. I'm not fat for that reason, I'm fat because my mother's fucked up relationship with food and my dad growing up poor, did a number on my body and fat is where I am as a result.


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## Cors (Jul 20, 2009)

Statistics seem to show that patients presenting with binge eating disorder (most binge eaters are indeed overweight but this is not always the case) are much more likely to have been the victims of physical and sexual abuse or neglect.

Many psychologists and psychiatrists I have been to like to tell me otherwise, but I believe that I would still have been lesbian and very likely have struggled with anorexia even if the assaults didn't happen. Then again, I know other ED sufferers (the ward I was in only treated anorexics and the occasional average-weight bulimic - I guess BED is underreported and taken less seriously) who blame it all on the abuse.


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## debz-aka (Jul 20, 2009)

First and foremost: Thank you Beckoo for starting this link. This is a brave thing to ask about.

I came from a horribly abusive father. My sisters and I had a joke: "if you didn't almost die growing up, you just weren't trying." I know the mind fuck of seeing sitcoms made up of happy families. I'd watch a show and think "yeah, you look happy, but I know what goes on during the commercial breaks. When the laughs stop." I spent years in therapy, I finally realized that if this happened to me it was probably happening to my younger sister. My elder sister and I decided to try and pull our kid sister out of the house. At age 24 I called child protective services on my father. 

CPS pulled a "surprise visit" and found thousands of dollars of child pornography in our "family" house. We were able to send my 14 year old sister to live with my 26 year old sister. There she staid and grew up to a healthy well adjusted person who didn't have to go through years of self abuse (drugs, alcohol, bad relationships) like I did. 

I know that my weight started because I was trying to become bigger than my father. I have always admired physical strength and long to feel like I could kick the shit out of my dad. But where am I now with this weight?

In my life, right now, most days I look in the mirror and think: hey I look pretty good! I did nude modeling for art classes in college and loved to see people drawing beautiful images of my large body. I guess I now just forget that I'm fat. Who I really am is Debz, I love to cook, bake, write and several other things, this is who I am as a person. I inhabit a large body because I don't want to eat small amounts of food. Yet I exercise because I want to be healthy. There are days when I panic, "gotta loose weight, gotta go with the norm." But the truth: I will never be normal. The childhood I had will not allow me into the sphere of normalcy. 

I hold to a truth that a therapist said to me, on a day that I whined that I wish I were thin, blond, driving a BMW, holding up traffic to put on my mascara. My therapist said: No, you don't. I work with those women and they go through life knowing that there is a deeper more fulfilling life out there, and have no idea how to reach that life. So, here I live, understanding the full range of cruelty and kindness that humans can eke out on each other, but now I mostly focus on the kindness.


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## BarbBBW (Jul 20, 2009)

debz-aka said:


> First and foremost: Thank you Beckoo for starting this link. This is a brave thing to ask about.
> 
> I came from a horribly abusive father. My sisters and I had a joke: "if you didn't almost die growing up, you just weren't trying." I know the mind fuck of seeing sitcoms made up of happy families. I'd watch a show and think "yeah, you look happy, but I know what goes on during the commercial breaks. When the laughs stop." I spent years in therapy, I finally realized that if this happened to me it was probably happening to my younger sister. My elder sister and I decided to try and pull our kid sister out of the house. At age 24 I called child protective services on my father.
> 
> ...



Thank you so very much for sharing this with us. You, yourself are a very brave and courageous woman, now and back then for doing what you could to help your sister. Big Hugs to you!!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 20, 2009)

debz-aka said:


> First and foremost: Thank you Beckoo for starting this link. This is a brave thing to ask about.
> 
> I came from a horribly abusive father. My sisters and I had a joke: "if you didn't almost die growing up, you just weren't trying." I know the mind fuck of seeing sitcoms made up of happy families. I'd watch a show and think "yeah, you look happy, but I know what goes on during the commercial breaks. When the laughs stop." I spent years in therapy, I finally realized that if this happened to me it was probably happening to my younger sister. My elder sister and I decided to try and pull our kid sister out of the house. At age 24 I called child protective services on my father.
> 
> ...



I'm glad you got your sister out and felt good by the time I reached the end of your post. Thanks for sharing and welcome to the boards


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## Miss Vickie (Jul 20, 2009)

I guess I think like anything, being sexually abused can result in disordered eating and deliberate attempts to change how one looks whether it be to gain or lose weight or a thousand other things. 

Certainly, eating is a coping mechanism for many of us, just as drugs and alcohol are coping mechanisms for others. I was sexually molested after my parents died and I did end up putting on weight after that. Whether it was because of the molestation, or my family's usual weight gain pattern, I'll never know. I wasn't conscious of trying to gain weight to be less attractive, but I do know that food was a huge comfort for me during a very difficult time when I felt very alone and frightened. 

I also had a therapist point out once that my weight gain could be an attempt to re-create my mother in my own body (she was quite fat), which was an interesting idea. I'm just not sure, and I think it's just too complicated to say it's always this or always that. 

Like most things, being sexually abused probably does play a role, which will vary depending on the person in question.



Ella Bella said:


> Russell, were you ever sexually abused as a child? It is something that can be extremely damaging to every part of a child's life, and that can lead to this idea of self preservation by making yourself unattractive. Fat, whether we like it or not is seen as unattractive by the vast majority of society. Is it so very unimaginable to you that a child who was abused, would try to turn their abuser off, or do something to prevent abuse in the future?



Yes. Also, just because you see people acting sexual doesn't mean that they weren't sexually abused. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. Many of us who were sexually abused end up promiscuous until we work through the abuse and heal from it. So people acting out sexually at a dance doesn't reassure me that they're healthy and happy; depending on how much they're acting out, it might lend credence to the original thought, which is that weight is related to being sexually abused.


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## Pitch (May 14, 2011)

Beckoo said:


> I have read about the connection between the two for years and wondered how accurate it was or is? I was sexually abused and to this day struggle with it's aftermath. Am I fat because I need a shield of some sort or is it as simple as I love food? I hate my body and I hate that I hate it  Do I hate myself because I am fat or is it the abused girl talking. All the years in and out of therapy and I am still fucked up. I was so happy when I found this website because I am so tired of being ashamed of being fat. But I haven't gotten it yet! I thought I could learn to at least acccept this aspect of myself and half the battle would be won. Why can't I just accept it? Why can't I be like the ladies here who have so much pride? I read the posts and try to take a little of everything you all are saying and I still am ashamed. I want to walk with my head up. I hope this isn't coming across as a poor me post. I need and want advice. I want to be.......positive and proactive. I want to be involved in life. I have been sitting by all these years watching others live and using my weight as an excuse to hide. I would love to know when I am going to have some sort of epiphany and finally realize that I am worthy. I guess I will have to keep on working on it. Sorry for rambling. Rebecca



..That's a damned good question. I was molested as a child and called a liar or I was "imagining things" even when the gynecologist (fiddling with my Hoo at 6 freaking years old and YES it hurt) clued my mother in on the appearance of _*scar tissue*_ leading to my sudden messy hygiene issues. Only my grandmother acknowledged what was done to me when everyone else was out-of-sight/out-of-mind. And from then on I was treated like the black sheep of the family.

I think it had a huge part (aside from puberty and coming from a family with mostly big women-- when my mother was average/small) in my being overweight. No one listened to or protected me. They even shunned me. Imagine that, a rape victim with her age still in the single digits being treated like a whore. So I drowned my woes in food. And I was a latchkey kid/poor, to boot.

I dont think it goes for everyone; but I _know_ it's going for me. It also goes for one of my best friends who is fat and was molested as well.


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## LillyBBBW (May 14, 2011)

Pitch said:


> ..That's a damned good question. I was molested as a child and called a liar or I was "imagining things" even when the gynecologist (fiddling with my Hoo at 6 freaking years old and YES it hurt) clued my mother in on the appearance of _*scar tissue*_ leading to my sudden messy hygiene issues. Only my grandmother acknowledged what was done to me when everyone else was out-of-sight/out-of-mind. And from then on I was treated like the black sheep of the family.
> 
> I think it had a huge part (aside from puberty and coming from a family with mostly big women-- when my mother was average/small) in my being overweight. No one listened to or protected me. They even shunned me. Imagine that, a rape victim with her age still in the single digits being treated like a whore. So I drowned my woes in food. And I was a latchkey kid/poor, to boot.
> 
> I dont think it goes for everyone; but I _know_ it's going for me. It also goes for one of my best friends who is fat and was molested as well.



Isn't that some -ish right there? My fatness was not because of eating or whatever but I was "fat" or at least considered that way. What I was was overly developed and at a young age I had men and young boys making inappropriate advances all the time, which is merely a polite way of putting it. Instead of empathy I was seen as fast because I had wide hips and boobs since I was a toddler. I don't know what's wrong with people.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that Pitch and happy to see that you've survived. I don't care how you survived. You survived, and that's something.


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## penguin (May 14, 2011)

I was never molested or abused. I had some mild bullying at school, but that wasn't the cause of it either.

I'm fat partly because of genetics, partly because of personality and mostly because of laziness and lack of self discipline. Genetically, I have two overweight parents. My three siblings are all of a "normal" weight, though they might be carrying a couple of kilos more than what they'd like. We range from 31 to 40, so that happens. My frame is big - wide shoulders, wide hips, huge feet, large bones. I wasn't designed to be slim. 

I'm lazy by default. Exercise bores me. I am not as disciplined as my siblings in many areas, and I feel I would have benefited from being pushed and encouraged to do things more when I was a kid. I do what needs to be done, I go out and socialise, but when it comes to exercise? Eh, doing it by myself is just not fun. 

When I was a kid, I was terribly worried about being left behind. If my mother started the car to warm it up before I was in it, I'd be afraid she was going to go and leave me behind. I was a little pudgy when I started school, but I continued to gain weight as I got older. I got teased more, I hid behind it more. I used it as a shield, a wall. It didn't stop me from being hurt, but it helped stop people getting close. I did have friends at school - and I'm still friends with them now - but I used my weight as an excuse for why things couldn't happen. It was an excuse to not try, so that I wouldn't fail or be rejected.

When I was 18, I read an article about how often anorexics and bulimics often want to disappear, they want to be invisible. I realised I was the opposite - I didn't want to be invisible, I didn't want to be forgotten. I had to wonder if subconsciously I'd done this so that people couldn't ignore me. They may not see _me_ and the person I am, I may be just another fat person, but they'll still notice me. It's not positive attention, but it's attention. 

I don't buy into the 'sexual abuse makes people fat' myth. It might do that for some people, but I have friends who were abused and are not fat at all.


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## CastingPearls (May 14, 2011)

I was repeatedly molested and abused (besides sexual) by two uncles throughout my childhood and mid-teens. It took me years to admit this rather than what I usually said which was, 'some family members behaved inappropriately'. 

I felt that nobody would believe me if I told because both uncles (one on each side of the family) were family favorites and I was sure it would not only be denied but I would be blamed, abandoned and thrown out of my house.

One of those uncles I hope is roasting in hell. The other cut off all communication with me and married someone who could be my physical double. 

I know I have a family predisposition to being fat because ALL OF US ARE--the entire extended family on both sides is. The thin ones are anomalies. However, eating large portions of really good good (my ethnic background is Italian and Polish where feasting is taken to the nth degree) food didn't help either. I was a very very physically active child and teenager.

I know there's a strong possibility that part of my being fat was to make myself bigger to defend myself against those who abused me. When I dieted as a teen (mistakenly thinking a boyfriend would prefer me thinner--WRONG--he liked me exactly as I was) and was fitting into size 22's I felt very vulnerable, anxious and exposed. Although I am accustomed to a lot male attention, it got ridiculous to the point where I was afraid to go out and eventually the weight I lost found me again and brought with it some of its friends too. I sought therapy which helped a lot. I also write to help deal with anxiety and stress, rather than eat.


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## fluffyandcute (May 15, 2011)

Again thanks for starting this thread! That was courageous of you! Reading all these posts have really got me thinking about my childhood.
My father left me and my mom when I was in 2nd grade. It wasn't until then that I started gaining weight and was considered the "chubby" kid! My weight then continued to get out of control! I assume it was depression. I was abused after that by a family member so things definately got worse. My father's side of the family are large people so I am sure genetics plays a part as well so I have all odds aganist me. 
When I married my first husband he was verbally and physcially abusive. He always told me that I shouldn't leave him because no one else would want my "Fat Ass"!! Needless to say our marriage only lasted about 5 years. I finally got the courage to get out of that 
So with all this being said, I think that sexual abuse and obesity are linked along with alot of other factors.
Sending lots of {{{{{HUGS}}}}}to everyone out there! I definately know where your coming from!!!


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## imfree (May 15, 2011)

Had I had this kind of size and strength, decades ago, when my father was molesting my sister, I would have thrown him across a room and torn his body apart with my bare hands. She lives in religious denial and can't stand her own husband. My father is a self-righteous bastard who is holed-up in a trailer near Chattanooga, Tn., because he's "afraid associating with people would weaken his christianity (I only capitalize the real kind.)".


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## Lamia (May 15, 2011)

I honestly think that gaining weight may be a way some women cope with their abuse, but I don't think that it's the only contributor. 

I do think that more women than you could possibly imagine have been molested, raped, and or harassed sexually at one time or another in their life. It's disgusting to think about.

When I just sit here and think of the women I know in my own life. My mother was raped by a date and molested by some uncles when she was younger. My sister escaped an attempted rape and was molested by a family member. A neighbor tried to molest me several times, he was only 13 years old, but I was 4 at the time. He tried to rape my best friend in a tent in his yard and he habitually molested my other friend.


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## LillyBBBW (May 16, 2011)

Man, if I ever have kids I'm teaching them Krav Maga the day they hit 2 years old. *shudders*


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## CastingPearls (May 16, 2011)

penguin said:


> snip/ When I was a kid, I was terribly worried about being left behind. If my mother started the car to warm it up before I was in it, I'd be afraid she was going to go and leave me behind. /snip
> 
> 
> 
> snip/ I don't buy into the 'sexual abuse makes people fat' myth. It might do that for some people, but I have friends who were abused and are not fat at all.




I had that same exact fear. I was terrified of being left behind or abandoned and the car was one of the things that triggered it with me as well.

I don't believe 'sexual abuse makes people fat' either. However, I believe many many fat people were sexually abused. Coping mechanisms are different for everyone. I was told by a therapist that eating to make oneself bigger or even less attractive or feminine are indeed coping mechs.


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