# Is it just me, or...



## nala (Jan 17, 2007)

I'm going to write some of my mind struggles down now  :

I think I must have joined this forum slightly over a year ago now (as in actively posting and stuff), however the other day as a logged in, on top of the screen it said something like "_You haven't posted in a while, why don't take the time to join in some active conversations again_" So that's when I realized I didn't post anything for a long time, indeed and also that the reason seemed to be that lately I'm beginning to have a slightly embarrassed and strange feeling again about the whole bhm/ffa thing. :blush: In a way just like I had before I started posting, but then again somewhat different... 

Ok, I know it's just in my mind and it's probably just me either but lately it crossed my mind a few times; why do I come here and dare to talk about my preferences with total strangers, whereas I don't often seem to want to bring it up in real life, not even among my friends. Now I wonder, is it really something that the outside world just won't understand or is it merely that we excluded ourselfs because, judging by the widespread opinions thus far, _we feel _they won't. I know we're not a majority here, but all the fa's and ffa's taken together we're not that small of a group either 

Don't get me wrong, if we are seen like something odd out there, untill the day comes that it will be fully excepted by everyone in everyday life (that includes the people involved, like bhm's or else, who don't know this forum exists), I love being able to come here and find like minded people. 
But just as I don't take part in the whole internet dating scene as it makes me feel uncomfortable, so does this if I tend to think about it too much. The fact that there is a special name for this preference and terms like "ffa's coming out of the closet", for me sometimes sort of gives me the feeling that it's not a normal thing and even that it's almost out there with being gay or something..:blink: 

And apart from that I can't help wondering how the guys who come here really feel about all of this. I know that many guys often state to be happy to have found this place and that there are women who like them the way they look, but aren't you worried sometimes that on a forum like this (and by posting pics of your body) that same fact can be or become the only thing that attracts women to you, for example maybe like women who fall most for a man's wealth (don't shoot me if that's a really bad comparment, just trying to figure somethings out..:blush: )

Please understand, I'm just trying to get myself to feel comfortable again with my preferences, I don't feel all negative about the forum, but I just like to have some feedback from all you ffa's and bhm's out there :bow: 

Nala


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## charlieversion2 (Jan 17, 2007)

Hey just wanted to say welcome back  Tho I haven't talked/met you yet hopefully that will change.

in response to you feeling like coming out of the closet is wrong for disapproved by the public. don't be it is what you make of it.

meaning if you think it's bad, it will be in you mind bad, if it's just ducky (normal) then it will come off as normal.


life is what you make of it, I think of it as mostly deceoption and illusion, so why not weigh it in your favor, hmm?


well thats just my $0.02USD hopefully it helps you out a bit.


Cheers


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## Tanicarl (Jan 17, 2007)

I have the a similar posittion to Chrisversion2, most of what we perceive is nothin more than clever, and careful design. Simply intended to make us think, feel, and act a specific way. But when we are untrue to our individualality life can become much more difficult than it needs to be, it is much easier if you can come to terms with who you are and express your spirit and feelings without the constant looming of negative and irrational emotions. I know this is much easier said than done and ever-increasingly difficult to do, but allow yourself to consider that ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness, enjoyment and fulfillment! So it really doesnt make sense to deprive yourself of your own personal preference, just for the sake of others opinions. Of course this just my version of the many realities we create.


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## Aireman (Jan 17, 2007)

nala said:


> whereas I don't often seem to want to bring it up in real life, not even among my friends.
> 
> Please understand, I'm just trying to get myself to feel comfortable again with my preferences, I don't feel all negative about the forum, but I just like to have some feedback from all you ffa's and bhm's out there :bow:
> 
> Nala



I understand, And, I for one am trying to be more vocal about my preferance. I tell the guys that I like some jiggle on my women. And tease the women by saying " hey skinny if ya decide to give up salads i'll take ya out for some real food" or something along those lines as appropriate. It's not so much as comming out of the closet as saying " I don't think the media can dictate what I find attractive" Hope this helps.

P.S. reality is only 90% perception.


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## Laina (Jan 17, 2007)

Aireman said:


> And tease the women by saying " hey skinny if ya decide to give up salads i'll take ya out for some real food" or something along those lines as appropriate.



Off topic, but why does everyone think this is ok?


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## adrianTX (Jan 18, 2007)

All I can say is that while I do prefer bbw to average size women, I would never discriminate against someone I care for. To me a larger women is simply who I find myself attracted to. Not liking someone because they are skinny is endorsing the same behavior we are trying to discourage on these boards. Size acceptance means acceptance of ALL sizes...


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## CartmanUK26 (Jan 18, 2007)

I have to say as a BHM I don't have a problem with being seen on here and people liking me for my size, I guess that is because I think I have enough personality etc that it isn't really an issue if I met someone in real life and that my personailty would always become a factor in how much they like me, or don't as the case may be. 

I guess what I am trying to say is I really don't have an issue with FFA's liking me for my body (if they do) as it is just a first impression, and at least it is a good one! It isn't something us bug guys (or at least I) get to experience in everyday life so it is kinda nice!

Anyway that is me out for now, hope it makes some sense!

Rich


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## Tad (Jan 18, 2007)

....but one thing I thought I should say now is that it is most definately NOT just you. Lot's of people struggle with why they come to Dimensions, how much they should make Dimensions part of their life, if having this oasis is even really a good thing for them, and so on. I continue to struggle myself, despite having been here (with occasional times away) for most of a decade.

Ultimately it is one of those things where you have to figure out your own answer, but I do think hearing other peoples' struggles and answers can help clarify your own thoughts.

Best of luck!

-Ed


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## PolarKat (Jan 19, 2007)

Laina said:


> And tease the women by saying " hey skinny if ya decide to give up salads i'll take ya out for some real food" or something along those lines as appropriate.
> 
> Off topic, but why does everyone think this is ok?



Cuz it gets irritating.. don't know how many times in the past I've gone out to eat and the woman orders the "rabbit food", and you either see the poor thing sitting there drooling and staring at your plate, while she's savoring the salad like cod liver oil, or you end up with someone eating out of your plate.. "I only want to see what it tastes like".. and the salad is left untouched..

but on the slightly more serious note I don't think everyone thinks as such, rather it's just being used to drive the point


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## missaf (Jan 19, 2007)

I've been complimented by guys on several occasions for not being afraid to order a real meal on a date. At first I thought it was weird, or they were serious feeders, but the more I thought about it, and asked them, it came to light that they just appreciated someone that didn't order just salads to pretend.



PolarKat said:


> Cuz it gets irritating.. don't know how many times in the past I've gone out to eat and the woman orders the "rabbit food", and you either see the poor thing sitting there drooling and staring at your plate, while she's savoring the salad like cod liver oil, or you end up with someone eating out of your plate.. "I only want to see what it tastes like".. and the salad is left untouched..
> 
> but on the slightly more serious note I don't think everyone thinks as such, rather it's just being used to drive the point


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## Laina (Jan 19, 2007)

PolarKat said:


> Cuz it gets irritating.. don't know how many times in the past I've gone out to eat and the woman orders the "rabbit food", and you either see the poor thing sitting there drooling and staring at your plate, while she's savoring the salad like cod liver oil, or you end up with someone eating out of your plate.. "I only want to see what it tastes like".. and the salad is left untouched..
> 
> but on the slightly more serious note I don't think everyone thinks as such, rather it's just being used to drive the point



Frankly, what I eat on dates (or anywhere else) is my business. It took me almost a year to learn how to eat in front of people again--the last thing I want is a guy snarking at me for eating a salad. 

And on a slightly more serious note, when someone is using "skinny" as an insult, I'm highly unlikely to EVER date them. Just a heads up, boys. (I'm similarly unlikely to date anyone who uses "fat", "gay", or "retarded" as an insult.)


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## PolarKat (Jan 19, 2007)

missaf said:


> I've been complimented by guys on several occasions for not being afraid to order a real meal on a date. At first I thought it was weird, or they were serious feeders, but the more I thought about it, and asked them, it came to light that they just appreciated someone that didn't order just salads to pretend.



It's something that all guys seems to like. I guess it's because it show an openess and not the "prentending factor" like you mentioned. But it is one of the things that almost all guys will comment on when asked about a date. It might be the little feeder in all guys trying to emerge


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## PolarKat (Jan 19, 2007)

Laina said:


> Frankly, what I eat on dates (or anywhere else) is my business. It took me almost a year to learn how to eat in front of people again--the last thing I want is a guy snarking at me for eating a salad.


So.. I should call off the special investigation team that's out there see "what You eat on dates (or anywhere else)"..

I spent my childhood eating under the kitchen table, and my adult years eating in my room. I avoided wedding/parties etc.. that had food, or would show up well after the food was served.. never ate around anyone, I would toss my lunches @ school, then go home and binge eat in hiding.. I didn't eat out until my late teens, and even then it was mostly just coffee while the others ate. I kept dates outside of meal times.. etc.. etc.. etc..



Laina said:


> And on a slightly more serious note



Know what a fat person with food in their hand is? A target.. 

Difference now.. is when one of those nice "average" folk decide to comment, I don't hold back I use the bottled crap they gave me all my life and spit back in their face telling then to @!#$ and die, and mind thier own..


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## Laina (Jan 19, 2007)

PolarKat said:


> So.. I should call off the special investigation team that's out there see "what You eat on dates (or anywhere else)"..
> 
> I spent my childhood eating under the kitchen table, and my adult years eating in my room. I avoided wedding/parties etc.. that had food, or would show up well after the food was served.. never ate around anyone, I would toss my lunches @ school, then go home and binge eat in hiding.. I didn't eat out until my late teens, and even then it was mostly just coffee while the others ate. I kept dates outside of meal times.. etc.. etc.. etc..



I'm still not sure why all of this makes you angry at me. Hun, I just don't want a guy hanging over my shoulder and complaining about my meal choices (and trust me, it happens no matter what I eat). I don't see how telling a woman that she HAS to change her eating habits to be attractive is in any way fair. If, after all, it were the reverse situation--a guy was telling a fat girl that if she would just eat a salad now and then, he'd take her out--we'd be just as horrified. If my eating habits freak you out, just don't date me. It's simple.





> Know what a fat person with food in their hand is? A target..
> 
> Difference now.. is when one of those nice "average" folk decide to comment, I don't hold back I use the bottled crap they gave me all my life and spit back in their face telling then to @!#$ and die, and mind thier own..



I'm really glad you can do that. I, on the other hand, am still at the "burst into tears and starve for a week" stage of recovery. ANY girl with food in her general vicinity is a target. I've lost count of the number of men who've told me that my figure can't handle [whatever is in my hand].


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## PolarKat (Jan 19, 2007)

Laina said:


> I'm still not sure why all of this makes you angry at me. Hun, I just don't want a guy hanging over my shoulder and complaining about my meal choices (and trust me, it happens no matter what I eat). I don't see how telling a woman that she HAS to change her eating habits to be attractive is in any way fair. If, after all, it were the reverse situation--a guy was telling a fat girl that if she would just eat a salad now and then, he'd take her out--we'd be just as horrified. If my eating habits freak you out, just don't date me. It's simple.



Not angry at all, the investigation team was an attempt at a funny.

I was just sharing that I've been/am there as well, so I really know the anxiety attached to it.. back to the orignal offtopic

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on the salad thing, as though he was using it as postering, or drving a point. I don't think that most would give that line much thought like when people use "lazy fat ass" etc. as a reflex remark.. If he actually meant it then he's an arse.. 



Laina said:


> I'm really glad you can do that. I, on the other hand, am still at the "burst into tears and starve for a week" stage of recovery. ANY girl with food in her general vicinity is a target. I've lost count of the number of men who've told me that my figure can't handle [whatever is in my hand].



Why should you go though that? I mean what the *%#(<[email protected]##* is it their buisness with anything to do with you at all. Why are they talking to you? Let alone being near you or even talking to you.. they should piss off and go back under the rock they came from.. no holds barred.. strangers.. family.. friends etc.. If they have the nerve.. let them fry.. make a scene.. 

Repeat that in your head a few dozen times when you get into one of those situations.. get yourself worked up, in the angry direction.. then try to attack.. it gets easier with time. you shift the negative from yourself to those who deserve it.. eventually you might actually do it, in the short term it helps.


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## Laina (Jan 20, 2007)

PolarKat said:


> Why should you go though that? I mean what the *%#(<[email protected]##* is it their buisness with anything to do with you at all. Why are they talking to you? Let alone being near you or even talking to you.. they should piss off and go back under the rock they came from.. no holds barred.. strangers.. family.. friends etc.. If they have the nerve.. let them fry.. make a scene..
> 
> Repeat that in your head a few dozen times when you get into one of those situations.. get yourself worked up, in the angry direction.. then try to attack.. it gets easier with time. you shift the negative from yourself to those who deserve it.. eventually you might actually do it, in the short term it helps.



Heh. And if I could manage all of that, my therapist would be VERY pleased. Unforunately, anorexia really isn't something you 'just get over' any more than depression, ADD, or any other mental disorder. You learn to manage it, you learn to laugh about it...but there will always be triggers and I will always be at risk. Sucks, but there you have it. I can walk past a scale without having a total panic attack now, and that's a HUGE point in my favor.  

Luckily, the last time it happened, the guy did it in front of a coworker (who knows my history). My five foot even, maybe ninety pound, sixty five year old grandmother of two coworker...who physically removed the gentlemen in question (20 something, easily six feet and three times her weight) from the store. The ear twist is still a thing of beauty.


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## Butterbelly (Jan 20, 2007)

There are many times I've asked myself why I come here. At first it was because there were a lot of people here who were larger like me. Then it was because I could express myself on here and people would understand. After being part of Dimensions for almost two years now, I've concluded that I come here for multiple reasons, not just one or two. I come here because I like being part of a community that is similiar to me. I come here because I love the acceptance I get here. I come here because I have friends here. 

The signature associated with my profile should tell you exactly why I come here. The people of Dimensions have become not only my friends but also like a family.


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## William (Jan 20, 2007)

Hi 

I like Dimensions and I really like the BHM/FFA section because even Fat Acceptance has its stereotypes of Fat Men.

There are some great people on Dimensions

William






Butterbelly said:


> There are many times I've asked myself why I come here. At first it was because there were a lot of people here who were larger like me. Then it was because I could express myself on here and people would understand. After being part of Dimensions for almost two years now, I've concluded that I come here for multiple reasons, not just one or two. I come here because I like being part of a community that is similiar to me. I come here because I love the acceptance I get here. I come here because I have friends here.
> 
> The signature associated with my profile should tell you exactly why I come here. The people of Dimensions have become not only my friends but also like a family.


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## Aireman (Jan 20, 2007)

PolarKat said:


> I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on the salad thing, as though he was using it as postering, or drving a point. I don't think that most would give that line much thought like when people use "lazy fat ass" etc. as a reflex remark.. If he actually meant it then he's an arse..



Thanks for the benefit!!! When I originally posted that....... I did think to myself that I needed to *bold *_Italize_ as appropriate! Sorry, but I would only *tease *someone who knows me... And I would never just walk up to someone I didn't know and say any thing like that.

If that's not clear.... Please fill me in.


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## Laina (Jan 20, 2007)

Aireman said:


> Thanks for the benefit!!! When I originally posted that....... I did think to myself that I needed to *bold *_Italize_ as appropriate! Sorry, but I would only *tease *someone who knows me... And I would never just walk up to someone I didn't know and say any thing like that.
> 
> If that's not clear.... Please fill me in.



It's not that it was unclear, it's that I find it offensive to be told that my body isn't "good enough". Teasing or not, that's a sore subject for a lot of people. As I said before, if someone walked up to a fat girl (even one they were friendly with) and said "If you ever put that fork down, I might take you to a movie", it would be completely unacceptable. Why? Because she has every right to be proud of (and comfortable with) her body and her eating habits.

Somehow, I deserve less respect because I'm thin? I don't think so. What kind of friend openly puts down your appearance?


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## Aireman (Jan 20, 2007)

I promise never to walk up to you and tell you to eat more or less or differently. That would be inappropriate.


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## nala (Jan 21, 2007)

Thanx for sharing your opinion on my thoughts everyone! It's nice to hear what all of you have to say.  

As for the commenting on some ones eating habits thing, hmm  well, I think most of the time it's ment in a somewhat loose-self confidence giving- manner, so he or she feels good to totally be theirself, also when it comes to their eating habits. As long as it's said out of a good heart and not ment as an insult, there's no reason to make such a point out of it, just brush it off laughing with whatever you'd want to reply to it.

However there's a difference between a positive ego lifting comment and a negative insulting one. If all you get to hear is "don't eat too much" or "leave this or that", then there's reason to feel offended. 

Although I do understand that when you have a history of issues when it comes to food, It's hard not to feel like being hit in the face very hard when it comes to remarks about your eating habits, no matter in what way it actually was ment.


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## BHM in Minneapolis (Jan 21, 2007)

edx said:


> ....but one thing I thought I should say now is that it is most definately NOT just you. Lot's of people struggle with why they come to Dimensions, how much they should make Dimensions part of their life, if having this oasis is even really a good thing for them, and so on. I continue to struggle myself, despite having been here (with occasional times away) for most of a decade.
> 
> Ultimately it is one of those things where you have to figure out your own answer, but I do think hearing other peoples' struggles and answers can help clarify your own thoughts.
> 
> ...



Hey Ed-

I just wanted to say great discussion.

_ am new as of last night-and I have been questioning my self a little bit just why I am here, what I expect to get out of it, and whether or not it is an entirely good thing. 

The one thing I am sure of is that Ed is right on-hearing other people's thoughts and listening to their struggles (many of which we may share ourselves) allows you to sit back and look at things from a more objective third party perspective and develop a framework for those thoughts.

So Thanks!_

-Paul


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## lemmink (Jan 27, 2007)

nala said:


> And apart from that I can't help wondering how the guys who come here really feel about all of this. I know that many guys often state to be happy to have found this place and that there are women who like them the way they look, but aren't you worried sometimes that on a forum like this (and by posting pics of your body) that same fact can be or become the only thing that attracts women to you, for example maybe like women who fall most for a man's wealth (don't shoot me if that's a really bad comparment, just trying to figure somethings out..:blush: )



I understand that, I have to say. I wouldn't date anyone who told me I was attractive in the first, I don't know, week or so of dating them - I really hate the idea of anyone being into me for the way I look. Like you say, it kind of feels like I'm being used. That said, I sure love compliments from other people. Maybe that's what the guys on here like - because who doesn't love getting told they're sexy?


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## fat hiker (Jan 29, 2007)

Laina said:


> I'm still not sure why all of this makes you angry at me. Hun, I just don't want a guy hanging over my shoulder and complaining about my meal choices (and trust me, it happens no matter what I eat). I don't see how telling a woman that she HAS to change her eating habits to be attractive is in any way fair. If, after all, it were the reverse situation--a guy was telling a fat girl that if she would just eat a salad now and then, he'd take her out--we'd be just as horrified. If my eating habits freak you out, just don't date me. It's simple.
> 
> Hi, Laina. I would have to say in return, that if a guy's gentle teasing freaks you out, don't date him. But you seem to have that down already.
> 
> ...


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## Laina (Jan 29, 2007)

fat hiker said:


> Hi, Laina. I would have to say in return, that if a guy's gentle teasing freaks you out, don't date him. But you seem to have that down already.
> 
> I feel for the early stage and fragility of your recovery - I've been in a similar place. But even in recovery, none of us can expect the rest of the world to modify itself for our best interests. The best we can hope is that a few people who know us and care about us will.
> 
> The rest we just don't date!



I don't expect the world to modify itself to suit me. I do, however, expect that someone who wishes to date me will be respectful. Lumped in with respect is the whole "not telling me what to do" as well as "not implying that if I just changed ONE LITTLE THING I'd be worthy of your attention". 

And therein lies my issue. I'm willing to give an obnoxious stranger the benefit of the doubt--he doesn't know, and he's not interested in me as a person. But I wouldn't initiate flirtation by saying "you'd be worth my time if you cleared up that acne", now would I?


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## rabbitislove (Jan 29, 2007)

I agree with Laina. I do struggle with a borderline eating disorder because of people constantly making comments about what I eat. I was in an abusive relationship where if I ate anything that wasn't "rabbit food" my ex would chew me out and tell me I was going to get fat.

I did gain some weight living on campus, but after relatives made sure to draw attention to it, I got back to my normal size, but now I have all sorts of problems with food, and even the idea of going out to dinner can be terrifying.

I think I have enough issues with that, plus chubby guys who pick on me for being a chubby chaser. Me and Laina deserve a break man.


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