# My eyes are bleeding: Offensive movies



## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 4, 2007)

There are times when one must deal with that thing called In flight (en route) entertainment.

Now, WORST FLIGHT MOVIE EXPERIENCE: Cheaper By the Dozen II. I almost had a panic attack on US Air last year when they decide to show this movie. Worst of all , I am in the window seat, there are two other fatties on the same row, I am squished to the side and there is lightning outside the plane. I honestly wanted to die and hoped that lightning would strike the plane.

WORST BUS MOVIE EXPERIENCE: Date Movie. On the illustrious FungWah, had to deal with what has to be one of the worst movies ever made. Cringe worthy, revolting in every way. Wish I had the guts to slap the driver and just say "NO!"

Anyone top those bad movies?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 4, 2007)

Shadow of the Vampire..... Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

JEEZ THAT MOVIE SUCKED SOME MAJOR A*S


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



My old boss had seen it and came into work recommending it to everyone... so when they showed it at the discount theater we went to see it. I fell asleep and woke up at the end- ANGRY BECAUSE THAT MOVIE SSSSSSSSSUCKEDDDDDDDD







Oh yeah, did I mention THAT MOVIE SUCKED?!?!?!??!


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## Jack Skellington (Jun 4, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Shadow of the Vampire..... Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



It does make more sense if you've seen Nosferatu.


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## diggers1917 (Jun 5, 2007)

The Obstreperous Ms. J said:


> Date Movie. On the illustrious FungWah, had to deal with what has to be one of the worst movies ever made. Cringe worthy, revolting in every way. Wish I had the guts to slap the driver and just say "NO!"
> 
> Anyone top those bad movies?



Nope, that was pretty much the worst I can remember. I was dragged out by a friend of mine who has no taste whatsoever to see this. I was rather depressed at the time so I enjoyed the company but still - that film goes for the cheapest, most disgusting laughs possible. How did it get made?

I actually quite enjoyed shadow of the vampire...that sort of nonsense is fun, rather than the tedium of Date Movie.


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## lemmink (Jun 5, 2007)

I could never work out which was worse--Date Movie or Epic Movie.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

I remember this one time I was on a plane from Houston to DC. Well, the flight was late getting in, and I went straight to my office. My coworkers asked me why I was so late and I responded that there was a bomb on the plane.

They all freaked out and started barraging me with questions and everything.

I then said, yeah, a bomb -- the inflight movie was _Glitter._


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## Waxwing (Jun 5, 2007)

I'm calling you out on this one, Bob. NOBODY saw Glitter.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 5, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Shadow of the Vampire..... Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> JEEZ THAT MOVIE SUCKED SOME MAJOR A*S
> 
> ...



But isn't that what vampire movies are ALL ABOUT?


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## Mathias (Jun 5, 2007)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The prequel.


Waste of my time. If you saw the remake (which I liked) You knew what would've happened as soon as you walked into the movie. I give them a 2/5 for trying but otherwise a bad moviel


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## activistfatgirl (Jun 5, 2007)

My current Worst Movie Evar award goes to _Tres Pajaros_. Bad acting. Stupid plot. Characters that you hate, but not in a fun way. The only good part was the whimsical Argentian accents.


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## Grandi Floras (Jun 5, 2007)

The *Wicker Man* has got to be the worse movie ever.
Nicholas Cage lowered himself to play that part.


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## Blackjack (Jun 5, 2007)

Apparently nobody here has ever seen _Manos: The Hands of Fate_.


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## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 5, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Apparently nobody here has ever seen _Manos: The Hands of Fate_.



Only cause I didn't have a chance to do so during HB Memorial Day weekend.


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## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 5, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> My current Worst Movie Evar award goes to _Tres Pajaros_. Bad acting. Stupid plot. Characters that you hate, but not in a fun way. The only good part was the whimsical Argentian accents.



I've never heard of this movie. Plz to tell more about it.


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## SamanthaNY (Jun 5, 2007)

I nominate "Norbit". 

Haven't seen it. 

Won't. 

Still, it sucks. I just _know_.


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## Waxwing (Jun 5, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Apparently nobody here has ever seen _Manos: The Hands of Fate_.



Hey. Nothing's better than Manos when you're hammered and sitting around with your friends. "So bad it's good" is a whole different category.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> I'm calling you out on this one, Bob. NOBODY saw Glitter.




Unfortunately, I did. And I have no one to blame but myself for that suckfest because I knew Mariah Carey was in it.......


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## Waxwing (Jun 5, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Unfortunately, I did. And I have no one to blame but myself for that suckfest because I knew Mariah Carey was in it.......



Come here and let me hold you. One day the pain will stop. One day.

I'm still suffering through PTSD over The Crow.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

SamanthaNY said:


> I nominate "Norbit".
> 
> Haven't seen it.
> 
> ...




Glitter sucked far worse... trust me 


and OMG.... I cannot believe that no one has yet mentioned........






















































SHOW GIRLS

arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


*vomits violently*









Sorry for that graphic reminder


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> Come here and let me hold you. One day the pain will stop. One day.
> 
> I'm still suffering through PTSD over The Crow.




LMMFAO- they keep showing that treasure on cable now.....



over and over and over............


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## Waxwing (Jun 5, 2007)

Oh MAN Showgirls. 

Seriously that film was genius. I remember my friend Zak and I once watched it twice in a row (vicodin and coffee were also in attendance) and decided that it was absolutely brilliant in its aggressive idiocy. 

"You used to eat doggie chow? I USED TO EAT DOGGIE CHOW!"


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## marlowegarp (Jun 5, 2007)

My all-time top 10 (not in order, subject to change, All-American)

Batman & Robin
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Fantastic Four
The Gore-Gore Girls
Anaconda
Spoon River Revisited (a horror film based on the Spoon River Anthology)
I, Robot
Pearl Harbor
Orgy of the Dead
The New Willy Wonka

But Shadow of the Vampire is right up there. Based on true events equals CRAP. Period.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

marlowegarp said:


> My all-time top 10 (not in order, subject to change, All-American)
> 
> Batman & Robin
> The Lost World: Jurassic Park
> ...




These are ten that you liked or ten that you think suck the big one?


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## Surlysomething (Jun 5, 2007)

Palmetto
200 Cigarettes

Walked out of the theatre both times.


*hurl*


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

I have seen Glitter, The Crow, AND Showgirls. AND I also saw Striptease with Demi Moore, for which she obtained "enhancements" to her already generous "tracts of land." I also saw The Crow: City of Angels and The Crow III (I don't remember the real name). I can't wait for The Crow: Electric Boogaloo.

What about Medicine Man with a pre-buff Linda Hamilton and Sean Connery?

<angry Scots accent>
"Have you ever lost anything? Your wallet, your car keys? Well, this is just a little bit worse! I've lost the cure to the plague of the fucking 20th century!!!!"


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I have seen Glitter, The Crow, AND Showgirls. AND I also saw Striptease with Demi Moore, for which she obtained "enhancements" to her already generous "tracts of land." I also saw The Crow: City of Angels and The Crow III (I don't remember the real name). I can't wait for The Crow: Electric Boogaloo.



I hope it finally lets me rep you again for electric boogaloo......but then again, you bringing up memories of Strip Tease makes me want to un-rep you  


While we're on the topic of shitty Demi Moore movies- surely I'm not the only one that still hasn't gotten over that retarded G.I. Jane......

I didn't realize they went so far as to make a Crow III





TCUBOB said:


> What about Medicine Man with a pre-buff *Linda Hamilton* and Sean Connery?



That wasn't Linda Hamilton- that was Lorraine Bracco.... I liked it 
http://imdb.com/title/tt0104839/


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

Crow III (Vengence? maybe?) was a STV. It was part of my "Ultimate Crow Experience" 4-DVD set that I bought. Because I kinda liked the first movie.

"Somebody stuck knives into his vital organs in alphabetical order."

How can you tell that from a body?  



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I hope it finally lets me rep you again for electric boogaloo......but then again, you bringing up memories of Strip Tease makes me want to un-rep you
> 
> 
> While we're on the topic of shitty Demi Moore movies- surely I'm not the only one that still hasn't gotten over that retarded G.I. Jane......
> ...


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## Wild Zero (Jun 5, 2007)

_Lost and Delirious_ maybe it's just me but I find it hard to enjoy a movie where the "protagonist" is a teen girl who recites poetry with a forced english accent and tries to rape her ex-girlfriend. The slow motion shots of the falcon and the fencing just push it over the edge.


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## Regular Bill (Jun 5, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> Hey. Nothing's better than Manos when you're hammered and sitting around with your friends. "So bad it's good" is a whole different category.



I watched Natural Born Killers hammred....and it still sucked!!!! It wasn't so much the acting as ir was the editing and directing.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

That TOTALLY jogs my memory. The Falcon and the Snowman!!!!

Though that may land in the "so bad it's good" category.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> That TOTALLY jogs my memory. The Falcon and the Snowman!!!!
> 
> Though that may land in the "so bad it's good" category.



I do like that David Bowie song "This is not America" that came from that movie though :wubu:


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## snuggletiger (Jun 5, 2007)

Worst Airplane Movie: Steve Martin's Sgt. Bilko & Rowan Atkinson's Johnny English

Worst Bus Movie: The movie with Kirk Cameron trying to find the Anti Christ.


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## Canonista (Jun 5, 2007)

I nominate "Zardoz".

Even Sean Connery couldn't save it.


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## SummerG (Jun 5, 2007)

Aces... felt like it was a bunch of porn actors trying to make a serious go at it. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460703/


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## Risible (Jun 5, 2007)

Ishtar is supposed to be one of the worst movies ever...dunno, never saw it.

Cecil B. Demented is our movie standard for worst movie ever.

Saw Monster House recently...That's the latest addition to my list of the worst movies ever.


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## Isa (Jun 5, 2007)

I just may have you all beat with "Little Man". My mother is a major fan of The Wayans, any and all of them, so this was her pick and my brain still hasn't recovered.


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## Red (Jun 5, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Glitter sucked far worse... trust me
> 
> 
> and OMG.... I cannot believe that no one has yet mentioned........
> ...





Oh Fairy, don't tell me you hate that movie, you must secretly love it, if only for the 'thrusty shagging in the pool' scene, surely?


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## Red (Jun 5, 2007)

'Cabin Fever' 

What a pile of wank.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 5, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> Oh MAN Showgirls.
> 
> Seriously that film was genius. I remember my friend Zak and I once watched it twice in a row (vicodin and coffee were also in attendance) and decided that it was absolutely brilliant in its aggressive idiocy.
> 
> "You used to eat doggie chow? I USED TO EAT DOGGIE CHOW!"



"I like that dress"

"It's a VerSAYce."


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## Red (Jun 5, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> "I like that dress"
> 
> "It's a VerSAYce."





*snort!* 











Funny as fuck!


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## RedVelvet (Jun 5, 2007)

Wow...I really love that movie....such a nice tribute to Nosferatu!




Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Shadow of the Vampire..... Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> JEEZ THAT MOVIE SUCKED SOME MAJOR A*S
> 
> ...


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## RedVelvet (Jun 5, 2007)

Ok.... Showgirls rocks in its badness!

Movies that are so bad they are good dont count!



My movie failures are failures because they are trite or poorly written or deeply pompous...or offensive, like Date Movie.


You know what is the worst movie in the WORLD to me?

The most pandering, self-indulgent, narcisstic movie ever made?

Thats easy.

Worst movie:

PRINCE OF TIDES....


Think about it.....a movie in which Babs gets to focus on her legs, then her nails...over and over.....making sure that at least 3 people call her gorgeous while she coos and demures...all the while the trite, cliched story hits you with the subtlety of a frozen chicken to the head.


I could fucking vomit.

THATS bad film.

"Little Man", for example..is just shite...but it isnt pretending to be anything else, you know?

HATE!



Top THAT, baby!


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## RedVelvet (Jun 5, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> Oh MAN Showgirls.
> 
> Seriously that film was genius. I remember my friend Zak and I once watched it twice in a row (vicodin and coffee were also in attendance) and decided that it was absolutely brilliant in its aggressive idiocy.
> 
> "You used to eat doggie chow? I USED TO EAT DOGGIE CHOW!"




Its one of my favorite films ever...

Dont forget the random rape and revenge, as well as they "Fish flopping out of water" fucking-in-the-pool-scene..

ew!...Brilliance!


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

There is a crazy bad vampire movie that I saw back in 1992 or 1993 in the theaters....I'm not sure how it EVER got released. It was a female vampire who fed on an Italian mob boss but accidentally didn't kill him, creating an Italian vampire mob..... for the LIFE of me, I CANNOT remember the name of the movie or any of the actors in it.....


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## RedVelvet (Jun 5, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> There is a crazy bad vampire movie that I saw back in 1992 or 1993 in the theaters....I'm not sure how it EVER got released. It was a female vampire who fed on an Italian mob boss but accidentally didn't kill him, creating an Italian vampire mob..... for the LIFE of me, I CANNOT remember the name of the movie or any of the actors in it.....




I know this movie....Innocent Blood?


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## PamelaLois (Jun 5, 2007)

Worst movie:
PRINCE OF TIDES....
Think about it.....a movie in which Babs gets to focus on her legs, then her nails...over and over.....making sure that at least 3 people call her gorgeous while she coos and demures...all the while the trite, cliched story hits you with the subtlety of a frozen chicken to the head.
I could fucking vomit.
THATS bad film.

HATE!
I wholeheartedly agree with this. And, I might add, any movie with Babs pretty much sucks, ever see Yentl? 
My vote for the worst movie ever was Moulin Rouge with Nicole Kidman, I couldn't make it through the first 15 minutes. I hate period movies that use modern popular music as if that was the music of the time. And I can't believe no-one has mentioned Snakes on a Plane..............


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## Regular Bill (Jun 5, 2007)

Regular Bill said:


> I watched Natural Born Killers hammred....and it still sucked!!!! It wasn't so much the acting as ir was the editing and directing.



Actually I only had a couple of beers but next time I'll be four sheets to the wind before iwatch that movie again...


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## Regular Bill (Jun 5, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> I know this movie....Innocent Blood?



You are correct! I love that movie for its overall campiness...and Don Rickles is hilarious!!!


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## Letiahna (Jun 5, 2007)

Anyone mention "Nacho Libre" yet? I knew it was going to suck but I wanted to see how they portrayed Mexico and Mexicans since I lived there and whatnot  And, you know what? It sucked MAJOR butt.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

Ye GODS, YES!!!! And look at some of the all-star cast!!! John Landis directed.....this may be a so bad it's good qualifier. Comedic horror.

Anne Parillaud ... Marie 
David Proval ... Lenny 
Rocco Sisto ... Gilly 
*Chazz Palminteri ... Tony 
Anthony LaPaglia ... Joe Gennaro 
Robert Loggia ... Sallie (The Shark) Macelli 
Tony Sirico ... Jacko *
Kim Coates ... Ray 
Leo Burmester ... Dave Flinton 
*Angela Bassett ... U.S. Attorney Sinclair 
Luis Guzmán ... Morales 
Don Rickles ... Emmanuel 'Manny' Bergman *




RedVelvet said:


> I know this movie....Innocent Blood?


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## Koldun (Jun 5, 2007)

My worst:

Satan's Storybook
Red Neck Zombies
Blood Feast
Blood Diner
1492
Pulp Fiction
Ancient Evil 2


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## RedVelvet (Jun 5, 2007)

Koldun said:


> My worst:
> 
> Satan's Storybook
> Red Neck Zombies
> ...




Pulp Fiction?...............dooood....thems fighting words!


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## TCUBOB (Jun 5, 2007)

I concur. But 1492 _was_ crap.



RedVelvet said:


> Pulp Fiction?...............dooood....thems fighting words!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

Koldun said:


> My worst:
> 
> Satan's Storybook
> Red Neck Zombies
> ...



I must have watched Pulp Fiction over ten times now... but it definitely has it's own brand of humor so I can see why some might not like Tarantino movies- a lot of people seem to love him but I remember my sister hated this move but I never understood why.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

Red said:


> 'Cabin Fever'
> 
> What a pile of wank.



Gawd, ain't that the truth......


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

Risible said:


> *Ishtar is supposed to be one of the worst movies ever...dunno, never saw it.
> *
> Cecil B. Demented is our movie standard for worst movie ever.
> 
> Saw Monster House recently...That's the latest addition to my list of the worst movies ever.



Lol- I totally understand why anyone would say that- but it's like it's one of those things that is so ridiculous/corny, you find yourself kind of liking it for it's absurdity


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> Ok.... Showgirls rocks in its badness!
> 
> Movies that are so bad they are good dont count!
> 
> ...



I liked Prince of Tides the first time I saw it in the theater... but when I saw it again on TV years later, I got to thinking it blows.....the acting wasn't all that great either. and it did seem to be all about Babs......:doh:


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2007)

PamelaLois said:


> And I can't believe no-one has mentioned Snakes on a Plane..............




I have watched a LOT of movies in my lifetime (I hardly ever watch much TV- but when I do, it's a movie- I'm a movie fiend) and after some of the shitty ones I have seen, Snakes on a Plane with it's special effects (yes the plot was cheesy though- I can't believe Samuel Jackson was part of this fluff) seemed liked downright good theater. It was good for a laugh anyway (I enjoy betting on who gets it next and routing for it...) and it was much better than I expected from that unimaginative title.....


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## Candide (Jun 5, 2007)

Chronicles of Riddick
All of the Fast and the Furious movies, I haven't seen them, but I know they suck
The remake of The Honeymooners
all of the urban dance movies, like Stomp the Yard, Step Up, etc.
Catwoman
Batman and Robin
Ghost Rider. Though this is a special case. I saw it, its bad. But awesomely bad


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## Candide (Jun 5, 2007)

PamelaLois said:


> Worst movie:
> And I can't believe no-one has mentioned Snakes on a Plane..............



:shocked: Snakes on a Plane was great. You knew what you were getting in to. It's supposed to be campy like all the disaster movies before it(Airport, The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, etc)


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## Regular Bill (Jun 5, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> Pulp Fiction?...............dooood....thems fighting words!


You could make the case that the part Tarintino was in sucked big time!!! I watched it with one of my sisters and she turned to me and asked if he sucked...and all I could do was say yes. I liked the rest of the movie but someone should yank Quinton Tarintinos S.A.G. card for crimes against the movie going public.


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## Blackjack (Jun 5, 2007)

Regular Bill said:


> You could make the case that the part Tarintino was in sucked big time!!! I watched it with one of my sisters and she turned to me and asked if he sucked...and all I could do was say yes. I liked the rest of the movie but someone should yank Quinton Tarintinos S.A.G. card for crimes against the movie going public.



Bullshit. "Dead ****** Storage" is probably among the funniest, most irreverent monologues I've ever heard, and I doubt that anyone else could've delivered it as well as Quentin Tarantino did.


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## UberAris (Jun 6, 2007)

"Nothing but Trouble" it has Chevy Chase in it... but its really... idk... disturbing in way I'm not quite sure how to describe... (and if you know me, you know who I loooooove disturbing things)


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## Chimpi (Jun 6, 2007)

*Babel*. *Sigh* Shit movie.
*Hulk*. Never again.
*Plan 9 From Outer Space*. Didn't even finish it. Horrible.
*Silent Movie: Phantom Of The Opera*. The worst.


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## Fatgirlfan (Jun 6, 2007)

SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!

That movie sucked-- only one good line in the move.


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## Blackjack (Jun 6, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> *Babel*. *Sigh* Shit movie.



Eh... Mediocre story, beautiful execution. I'd hardly call it shit.



Fatgirlfan said:


> SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!
> 
> That movie sucked-- only one good line in the move.



Here's the thing about SoaP- YOU CAN'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. I went into the theater knowing that it was gonna be a cheesy B-movie, and I was not at all disappointed.


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## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 6, 2007)

Now now, y'all. I was talking about movies in which you were captive and could not avoid (ya know, like in Clockwork Orange, my little droogies)

But I will have to defend Pulp Fiction, because of its brilliance.

And Showgirls for its sheer badness. 

To prove my devotion to this horrible movie, I've even seen it with a group of drag actors acting it out (ala Rocky Horror)


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## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

Drag Showgirls?!?!? That actually sounds FANTASTIC!!!!



The Obstreperous Ms. J said:


> Now now, y'all. I was talking about movies in which you were captive and could not avoid (ya know, like in Clockwork Orange, my little droogies)
> 
> But I will have to defend Pulp Fiction, because of its brilliance.
> 
> ...


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## Regular Bill (Jun 6, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Bullshit. "Dead ****** Storage" is probably among the funniest, most irreverent monologues I've ever heard, and I doubt that anyone else could've delivered it as well as Quentin Tarantino did.




I found I enjoyed the movie,even that prtion of the movie....but his performance, to me at least, still sucks.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

And the character of the Wolf? Brilliant. I can understand how, stylistically, his jump cuts back and forth bother some people, but I found the movie enjoyable. I also liked the dense dialogue.


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## Regular Bill (Jun 6, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> And the character of the Wolf? Brilliant. I can understand how, stylistically, his jump cuts back and forth bother some people, but I found the movie enjoyable. I also liked the dense dialogue.



I loved the Wolf..he has to be one of the coolest characters ever. I love everything about the movie...but I think the director should direct...not act.


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## Surlysomething (Jun 6, 2007)

The dislike of Pulp Fiction slays me.


But everyone likes what they like. That's what makes the world go 'round.



:blink:


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 6, 2007)

Vampire in Brooklyn with Eddie Murphy and Angela Basset. A movie so bad the creators should be in jail. I was forced to watch on a family bus trip to Vermont.

EDIT: Count me among the ones who found Pulp Fiction to be a campy snooze festival as well. The hold up scene in the diner is about the only thing I can recall.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

Just the mention of that movie makes my skin crawl. And not in a good way.



LillyBBBW said:


> Vampire in Brooklyn with Eddie Murphy and Angela Basset. A movie so bad the creators should be in jail.


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## Regular Bill (Jun 6, 2007)

Surlysomething said:


> The dislike of Pulp Fiction slays me.
> 
> 
> But everyone likes what they like. That's what makes the world go 'round.
> ...




I couldn't agree with you more!!!!


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## Regular Bill (Jun 6, 2007)

Two bad movies that drew me in when I was younger were the Cold War thriller "The Package" with Gnene Hackman and Tommy Lee Jones, and "High Road To China" . They were by no means cinematic masterpiece's but their was something about them that made me want to watch them....or maybe I like watching cinematic car wreaks.


P.S. Van Helsing sucked big time!!!!!


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## Regular Bill (Jun 6, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Vampire in Brooklyn with Eddie Murphy and Angela Basset. A movie so bad the creators should be in jail. I was forced to watch on a family bus trip to Vermont.
> 
> EDIT: Count me among the ones who found Pulp Fiction to be a campy snooze festival as well. The hold up scene in the diner is about the only thing I can recall.



My heart goes out to you, and all of the other people ,forced to watch bad movies in confined spaces with no means of escape.


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## PhillyFA (Jun 6, 2007)

Although I am huge Mel Brooks fan, Robin Hood: Men In Tights absolutely sucked the big one. It was fucking brutal to watch.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 6, 2007)

Regular Bill said:


> P.S. Van Helsing sucked big time!!!!!




Oh no you didn't.....................


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## marlowegarp (Jun 6, 2007)

I have heard Quentin Tarantino descibed as having "diarrhea of the mouth". I feel this is unbelievably apt. While I hate his whole persona, his whole "I'm so in on everything, I went to the Great Wall of China and the best thing I could think of to do was ecstasy" schtick, I admit to finding all of his movies at least enjoyable. 

I would put him in the same category as writers Joss Whedon and Brian Michael Bendis. I don't doubt any of these creators grasp of storytelling, but they have little fetishes that permeate their work even when it has no business there. The endless stupid dialogue for Tarantino, the one voice which Bendis gives every character and Joss Whedon's penchant for having Buffy deliver endless feminist soliliquies (which is slightly better, because he knows that he does it and can laugh at himself) are all examples of this. 

That said, if Joss Whedon was dying in the nursing home and deliriously announced plans to film a 14th Firefly episode with only his cane and three decrepit contemporaries as actors, I'd watch it.

To recap:

Death Proof Chase: Awesome
Tarantino: Doofus


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## Regular Bill (Jun 6, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Oh no you didn't.....................



..If you mean I paid good money to see that piece of crap....then yes I did!!! That is time and money I'll never get back!!


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 6, 2007)

...to remember The Milagro Beanfield War? IMHO, to attain the pinnacle of entertainment suckalaciousness you have to be taking yourself at least half seriously. So many of the movies cited here make no pretense and, if pressured, most involved would readily, if contritely, acknowledge their total cheesiness. MBW however is pretentious, pedantic, polemic and preternaturally pedestrian while proselytizing for poverty (Pls absolve me from my alliterative addiction). Yuppers, this kind of self-righteous drivel easily gags the average buzzard off the shit-wagon but the real acid test is/was all the idiot critics that lined up to go ga-ga over then Emperor Redford's fabulous new clothes. 'Nuf said?

BTW, don't see it just to prove me wrong, especially if you hope to one day have children.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 6, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> ...to remember The Milagro Beanfield War? IMHO, to attain the pinnacle of entertainment suckalaciousness you have to be taking yourself at least half seriously. So many of the movies cited here make no pretense and, if pressured, most involved would readily, if contritely, acknowledge their total cheesiness. MBW however is pretentious, pedantic, polemic and preternaturally pedestrian while proselytizing for poverty (Pls absolve me from my alliterative addiction). Yuppers, this kind of self-righteous drivel easily gags the average buzzard off the shit-wagon but the real acid test is/was all the idiot critics that lined up to go ga-ga over then Emperor Redford's fabulous new clothes. 'Nuf said?
> 
> BTW, don't see it just to prove me wrong, especially if you hope to one day have children.




I agree with your theory completely...Hence my nomination of "The Prince of Tides"....


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## Les Toil (Jun 6, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Glitter sucked far worse... trust me



But did Glitter suck in a bad/fun way like "Showgirl"? Showgirl is like kitschy-sucky and is fun to watch at a gay theater. I figured Glitter would be the same way. No?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 6, 2007)

Les Toil said:


> But did Glitter suck in a bad/fun way like "Showgirl"? Showgirl is like kitschy-sucky and is fun to watch at a gay theater. I figured Glitter would be the same way. No?



Refer back to Red's post about "Prince of Tides" being Barbra Streisand's ego trip- Glitter was Mariah Carey's except much sillier 

Sometimes Mariah seems like such a little girl to me.......


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 6, 2007)

...isn't pretentious high-toned pap starring La Streisand kinda redundant? I didn't read the rules but I just kinda assumed any name the bad movie game automatically excluded anything with Babs in or near it, otherwise, game over before it starts, N'mean?



RedVelvet said:


> I agree with your theory completely...Hence my nomination of "The Prince of Tides"....


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## RedVelvet (Jun 6, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> ...isn't pretentious high-toned pap starring La Streisand kinda redundant? I didn't read the rules but I just kinda assumed any name the bad movie game automatically excluded anything with Babs in or near it, otherwise, game over before it starts, N'mean?





True, true...but everyone seems to forget...I'm just here to help. God.....I hate that movie with the heat of a thousand suns.


Actually, tho.....I thought "What's up, Doc" was great.


A couple other recent movies that spring to mind that were serious in intent that fail miserably:


Da Vinci Code (film AND book...gods....horrible book)
Passion of the Christ
The Prestige



Gods....gonna need to go home and watch "Ed Wood" or "Young Frankenstein" or even "American Beauty" or.....hmm..."Carrington".....and reset my mind with good stuff.


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## Fatgirlfan (Jun 6, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Eh... Mediocre story, beautiful execution. I'd hardly call it shit.
> 
> 
> 
> Here's the thing about SoaP- YOU CAN'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. I went into the theater knowing that it was gonna be a cheesy B-movie, and I was not at all disappointed.



oh, I knew it would be cheesy, but I hated spending $9 to see it at 9:00 pm showing.:doh:


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## Blackjack (Jun 6, 2007)

Fatgirlfan said:


> oh, I knew it would be cheesy, but I hated spending $9 to see it at 9:00 pm showing.:doh:



You know, if you went to see it alone, even if there's other people in the theater, I'm sure it's a completely different experience than if you go to see it with fellow internet geeks, like what I did.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

Actually, the Fast and the Furious (the first one) and TF and TF Tokyo Drift were quality crap. The second one was just drivel the whole way around.


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 7, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> True, true...but everyone seems to forget...I'm just here to help. God.....I hate that movie with the heat of a thousand suns.
> 
> 
> Actually, tho.....I thought "What's up, Doc" was great.
> ...



"What's Up Doc?" although tolerably cute, was released in 1972 when the earth was still cooling, I was still in high school and Peter Bogdanovich could do no wrong. BS was even still almost human. It was a nice send-up of the screw-ball comedies of the 40's, but that's about it. No offense, but in the later context of "Yentl" it's kinda like pointing out how Hitler really got that unemployment issue handled. 

If there's such a thing as movie Karma, Babs will be reincarnated to eye candy roles in far future versions of Police Academy. Whether Dante would assign a lower level of hell for "Prince of Tides" or "Yentl" is academic I think, as long as she's forced to watch either with her eyelids ripped off for all eternity. 

BTW, RV, I'm too old for you but I was just curious if you do anything else with the heat of a thousand suns? Could be a solution to the universe's pending energy crisis. No more dependence on foreign dimensions.

One other passing thought, and maybe this is a potential new thread, I couldn't help thinking as I agonized through "The Passion of The Christ" wouldn't Bill Murray have kicked ass in the JC role? Roll it in your minds eye and tell me I'm wrong.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 7, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> You know, if you went to see it alone, even if there's other people in the theater, I'm sure it's a completely different experience than if you go to see it with fellow internet geeks, like what I did.



You're right- who you see the movies with can make a difference in how much you enjoy it


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## Red (Jun 7, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> True, true...but everyone seems to forget...I'm just here to help. God.....I hate that movie with the heat of a thousand suns.
> 
> 
> Actually, tho.....I thought "What's up, Doc" was great.
> ...




This could of been such a fabulous film. Beautifully constructed costumes, wigs to die for, atmospheric scenery, wonderfully shot with quite believable acting. They just go and fuck it up with a supernatural conclusion. Bah.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 7, 2007)

I felt oddly cheated coming out of The Prestige as well. I wanted to LIKE the movie but I felt....I dunno.....yeah, I'm sticking with cheated.



Red said:


> This could of been such a fabulous film. Beautifully constructed costumes, wigs to die for, atmospheric scenery, wonderfully shot with quite believable acting. They just go and fuck it up with a supernatural conclusion. Bah.


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## Red (Jun 7, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I felt oddly cheated coming out of The Prestige as well. I wanted to LIKE the movie but I felt....I dunno.....yeah, I'm sticking with cheated.





Yup cheated is the word, I felt lighter too, 7 english pounds lighter. 

Feeling extortionately cheated by film is a problem for me at the moment, damn cinema!


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## liz (di-va) (Jun 7, 2007)

One subset of Bad (not Good-Bad) Movies I enjoy are the Bad Harrison Fords (whom I like when he's good). I'm thinking of _Random Hearts_ (HF hit with stungun, parses out one facial expression during movie), which is really almost so bad it's good; _Regarding Henry_, so smugly disingenous it makes me furious; _Sabrina_, SO confused and lugubrious it hurts more than _Random Hearts_; and I couldn't even see _Hollywood Homicide_. When he's bad, he's really bad.

* I agree that _Showgirls_ goes into campy good/bad category, but I'm sorry, it's also still BAD. Inconsistently, bafflingly, haterismly, bizarrely, STUPIDly bad. It's hilarious to see the little bras they draw on E. Berkley during network broadcasts.

* I have so-so opinions about QTarantino's worth as a director, but OH I do wish he'd stop casting himself in things. Just excruciating, that expressionless Valley Whine. Plus he makes the Selma Hayek-booze-foot scene just...macabre, not in a good way.


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## liz (di-va) (Jun 7, 2007)

Actually, I just need to add that I hate Joe Eszterhas, period. _Sliver_...gawd. What the fuk! Help.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 7, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> BTW, RV, I'm too old for you but I was just curious if you do anything else with the heat of a thousand suns? Could be a solution to the universe's pending energy crisis. No more dependence on foreign dimensions.




Old for me?...You know nothing about my taste in men....actually you are in my age range......I'm older than I look.

As to my heating properties...dont you just WISH you knew, Mister Man


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 7, 2007)

Red said:


> This could of been such a fabulous film. Beautifully constructed costumes, wigs to die for, atmospheric scenery, wonderfully shot with quite believable acting. They just go and fuck it up with a supernatural conclusion. Bah.




Is this the one with Christian Bale about magicians?


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## RedVelvet (Jun 7, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Is this the one with Christian Bale about magicians?




Certainly is.......and I want to rub up against both the boys in this film...but that doesnt make it any less suckarrific..


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 7, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> Certainly is.......and I want to rub up against both the boys in this film...but that doesnt make it any less suckarrific..



and here I was thinking that I might not have liked it because of feeling woozy from a long island iced tea I had on New Year's Eve- the night when I went to see it


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## Blackjack (Jun 7, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> Certainly is.......and I want to rub up against both the boys in this film...but that doesnt make it any less suckarrific..



I'd hardly call it suckarrific.

More like incredible.

I loved the movie.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 7, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> I'd hardly call it suckarrific.
> 
> More like incredible.
> 
> I loved the movie.




Makes the world go round babycakes....but you are telling me you had no problem with the Tessla supernatural ending with many water filled boxes of corpses that....he.....somehow doesnt know about um....himself...as he acts suprized when he falls in and is murdered ..by....um....himself..

Wait....no...let me start over....

Pretty too look at....hole filled story in ways that come back and piss you off days later!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 7, 2007)

^^^I have to say that I really did suspect something up when I saw all those hats.......


It played out like a dramatic sci-fi movie instead of a thriller, IMO



~~~~ BUT ~~~~~~~~~~


AT LEAST, it didn't do a split personality ending......



JFX, how I get sooooooooo sick of those



Fight Club was lame for it's retarded ending *scowls*


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## SummerG (Jun 7, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Fight Club was lame for it's retarded ending *scowls*



     

fight club=love


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## RedVelvet (Jun 7, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ......
> 
> Fight Club was lame for it's retarded ending *scowls*




I love you, sweetheart.....but we are gonna have to agree to disagree here.....

Me loves me some Fight Club.....oh hell yes.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 7, 2007)

*forces Red to watch Prince of Tides for her insubordination* :kiss2:


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## Regular Bill (Jun 7, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> *forces Red to watch Prince of Tides for her insubordination* :kiss2:



GEF-
After seeing this threat...remind me never to make you angry...


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## Melian (Jun 7, 2007)

OK, I know I'm late for the Snakes on a Plane discussion, but I feel the overpowering need to defend it anyway: that movie was hilarious. 

One of the funniest movie moments ever (for me) came from that movie. After just getting through some 45 minutes of every kind of snake imaginable coming out of every possible opening in the plane, and killing people in some very creative ways, Samuel is on the phone with a scientist or something........and in the background, you hear some ass say "got a snake over here."

God....I'm cracking up while typing that.

The part where the little yappy dog gets whipped into the snake's mouth was also very satisfying.


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## Blackjack (Jun 7, 2007)

Melian said:


> One of the funniest movie moments ever (for me) came from that movie. After just getting through some 45 minutes of every kind of snake imaginable coming out of every possible opening in the plane, and killing people in some very creative ways, Samuel is on the phone with a scientist or something........and in the background, you hear some ass say "got a snake over here."



Bah, that doesn't even come close to 

"Oh damn, you got a snake on yo' ass! Hold still!"


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## Melian (Jun 7, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Bah, that doesn't even come close to
> 
> "Oh damn, you got a snake on yo' ass! Hold still!"



Hee hee...yeah, that too


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## comperic2003 (Jun 7, 2007)

By far, the worst movies ever are Malibu spring break, and the cookout. I would go into detail on why they suck so much, but words are best used elsewhere.


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Jun 8, 2007)

marlowegarp said:


> My all-time top 10 (not in order, subject to change, All-American)
> 
> Batman & Robin
> The Lost World: Jurassic Park
> ...



You know, if you actually payed to watch movies with titles like "Gore-gore girls" and"orgy of the dead", you deserve the pain. Really, what were you expecting?


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## Red (Jun 9, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Is this the one with Christian Bale about magicians?



Yep, The Prestige

Lovely Mr Bale but oh so bad film.


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## nixonshine (Jun 9, 2007)

_Last Days_ lasted days. If you need a refresher, it was the "artsy" movie about Kurt Cobain's last days on earth.

Don't bother.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 9, 2007)

kennedyrain said:


> _Last Days_ lasted days. If you need a refresher, it was the "artsy" movie about Kurt Cobain's last days on earth.
> 
> Don't bother.


.


OMG- I saw it.... well less than half of it anyway. 
WTF?????????????????? 
Some lazy, stupid, idiot that did nothing all day was presented in this movie- why is this supposed to fascinate people enough to make a movie out of it????????
Who cared if a salesman came to visit him and he was out in space in his mind?

I wish I had those those 30 minutes of my life back......


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 9, 2007)

Red said:


> Yep, The Prestige
> 
> Lovely Mr Bale but oh so bad film.



If they showed some nude scenes of Bale, it might have been worth it


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Jun 9, 2007)

Goliath vs. The Dragon: Corniest of corny fantasy movies. When goliath finally meets the dragon, he is in no danger, because the barely mobile creature does not breath fire (the three-headed muppet-dog does though) and it cannot devour him because it has visibly felt-fabric teeth and only a dark patch for an esophagus. 

Beast of Yucca Flats promised a corny scifi movie. It brought nothing. Cinematic void. The "monster" is just swedish ex-wrestler Tor Johnson once again robbed of the need for dialogue by a plot device. Everything is quite, empty, and gray. If you colorized this movie it would become a slightly softer grey. I just couldn't finish it all, there was so little happening. Cornyness is acceptable. This is a movie of dullness, that sucks something out of your soul to fill its nullity. 

Red Zone Cuba is similar to Beast of Yucca Flats, but focuses on an utterly unlikeable protagonist going to the Bay of Pigs, then coming back to america for some random acts of cruelty. Maybe you might enjoy it for the "gritty realism" if it wasn't so choppily edited, flat, and boring. All in all, it's a film to make a happy man slit his wrists on a fine spring morning.

Cocktail: This movie has some good billings, and the characters involved are actually well-acted and mostly realistic. The problem is that it's utterly horrible. It tells a story I have no care to hear. The male lead is an arrogant self-absorbed upshot who's greatest virtue is a fervant desire to start a lucrative franchise. He meets up with a misanthropic friend/mentor who is more or less without a single positive trait and is the only kind of foil who could make the protoganist the least bit sympathetic, and he really is the greatest source of enmity and misery for the protagonist. This movie hurts. It's only redeeming factors are this:
1. It has shiny things
2. After the inevitable "happy" ending, the female lead and the Tom Cruise protagonist character have the following exchange:
Female Lead (playfull): and will you still like me when I get all ugly and fat?
Male Lead (cue Tom Cruise Grin): As long as you don't get too fat
Female Lead (sticks out arms in front of her): Oh, I am going to get _very_ fat, and you are going to love it!

Troll 2: Self explanatory awfulest of B movies with a creator that just didnt' care, plus it has a blatant anti-vegetarian message.


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## Esme (Jun 9, 2007)

I saw most of those on MST3K, Fuzzy Necromancer. 

I am sure this will come as a surprise to no one, but I nominate Borat for eye-bleedingly bad movie of all time.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 9, 2007)

Did I ever want to start a riot after sitting through "Vanilla Sky" with Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. I was on a date with somebody I really liked and was trying to appease him so I sat through it swallowing down my own vomit the whole time. What a waste of a tank of gas. And that other piece of crap "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" with Sean Connery and Peta Wilson. I absolutely love Sean and want to bear him 12 ugly babies but that movie still sucked. I rented it and could have popped it out of the DVD player and pulled out my knitting needles instead but I felt I had to see it through. Time I'll never get back.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 9, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Did I ever want to start a riot after sitting through "Vanilla Sky" with Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. I was on a date with somebody I really liked and was trying to appease him so I sat through it swallowing down my own vomit the whole time. What a waste of a tank of gas. And that other piece of crap "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" with Sean Connery and Peta Wilson. I absolutely love Sean and want to bear him 12 ugly babies but that movie still sucked. I rented it and could have popped it out of the DVD player and pulled out my knitting needles instead but I felt I had to see it through. Time I'll never get back.




^^Oh yeah, you just named two big piles of ..........


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## PamelaLois (Jun 9, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> If they showed some nude scenes of Bale, it might have been worth it




Y'all keep talking about Christian Bale, not a bad bit of man-eye-candy, but did everyone forget about the lovely and talented :wubu: Hugh Jackman? I would watch him mow the lawn, I even PAID to see him in that stupid time-travel movie with that ditzy blond, can't even remember the name of the movie, but Hugh Jackman was totally amazingly hot as HELL in that movie. And I even saw all three X-Men movies just for Wolverine


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## TCUBOB (Jun 10, 2007)

I saw the League and it was a pile....I had so much in the way of higher hopes for that.....

I was, however, not foolish enough to tee up Vanilla Sky. So that's $10 I still have in my wallet.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 10, 2007)

PamelaLois said:


> Y'all keep talking about Christian Bale, not a bad bit of man-eye-candy, but did everyone forget about the lovely and talented :wubu: Hugh Jackman? I would watch him mow the lawn, I even PAID to see him in that stupid time-travel movie with that ditzy blond, can't even remember the name of the movie, but Hugh Jackman was totally amazingly hot as HELL in that movie. And I even saw all three X-Men movies just for Wolverine




Omg... speaking of man-eye-candy, I watched HEAT today with Val Kilmer.
THAT'S ONE HOT, FREAKALICIOUS, PIECE OF SUPER-DUPER MAN EYE CANDY


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



~AHEM~

*contains self now*


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## TCUBOB (Jun 10, 2007)

Watched it too....sigh....Pacino and De Niro in same film......


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Jun 11, 2007)

I think it's hard to cross-generalize bad movies. Some films are INTENDED to be bad (See aforementioned Snakes On A Plane). Regardless, here are my top bad films:

Batman and Robin - The other Schumacher Batman flick just about equals this except that Jim Carrey's Riddler makes up for the Charlie Foxtrot of Tommy Lee Jones' Two_Face (remember that Harvey Dent was BLACK in the first film!). Never forgave Arnie or Clooney for this one.

The Day After Tomorrow - Sometimes you have to check your brain at the door and realize that disaster movies take a hulking shit on science in general, but this thing was ridiculous. An atmospheric inversion that flash freezes everything at sea level? GTF out!

King Kong - While the Peter Jackson remake had some amazing CGI in it, the movie was about 2 hours and 58 minutes too long. I ended up renting it and gutting everything but the T-Rex battle and the bug scene.

Fantastic Four - My buddy wants me to see the sequel with him next month, and my argument is he is paying for my ticket. I found the first one to be horrid, if only for Jessica Alba (ooh, I'm Invisible Girl! A hottie model with a Ph.D in molecular biology! Insert obligatory bra/panties shot while disappearing. Meh). 

Nutty Professor II - Eddie, the first one rocked, now just stop it. Even Janet Jackson couldn't save it. Three words: Conservation of Energy.

Moulin Rouge - The only film in recent memory I literally could not finish. Stopped watching about halfway through, although I wanted to stab a knitting needle through my ears when they did "Like A Virgin" as a can-can dance. I loved the remake of "Lady Marmelade" but everything else was just horrid.

Snakes On A Plane - I am going to digress for a minute here, and apply what I call the White Boy Pop Culture Diversity Diatribe. This movie, along with White Chicks/Little Man and a host of other flicks that involve the "token black character(s) or stereotypes" irritate me to no end. I see these movies and realize how few steps have really been taken since the days of Amos and Andy, when hard-working black actors and actresses had to play up to the stereotypes just to get work and into the business. As someone who is not black, I assume I am simply missing a facet of a culture I am not privy to, but by and large the black people I know find these movies a hideous embarrasment and nothing but the white moviemaking industry getting the last laugh. Rant over.

Passion of the Christ - Mel, this guy named Franco Zeffirelli made a movie in the late 1970s about the life of Christ that was 100 times more accurate and 1,000 times less bloody. Yes, crucifixion is a horrible way to die, yadda yadda, but you took something that many people find to be a very poignant story and turned it into a snuff film. Congratulations.

Van Helsing - Hugh, just stop already and put the goddamn claws back on.

Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny - Now I am a rabid D fan, but I found this movie unwatchable aside from the Meat Loaf and Ronnie James Dio cameos. Taking the song "Tribute," making a few subtle changes and stretching it out into a 90 minute movie doesn't work any more than Michael Jackson making a 30 minute version of "Smooth Criminal," except that Jack Black doesn't transform into a fucking robot at the end.

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace - I love all of the SW films, and yes I dig Darth Maul, but George you screwed the pooch with such obvious racially-stereotyped CGI characters that I could barely stand it. C-3PO was funny as a droid and a British one at that, but a step-and-fetchit Rastafarian frog is not the previous generation's answer to Threepio. See also: Ewoks. 

Star Trek V - Waah, I'm William Fucking Shatner and I want to direct one of these Trek films, otherwise I'm gonna hold my breath! While I'm at it, get me a chimp to fling feces on the script and we'll call it good. This was the Tropic of Cancer of the Trek franchise, because I swear to God given the proper chance it was going to devolve into Caligula. Uhura wanted to bang Scotty, McCoy was finally going to get his threesome around that campfire, and we all know there's a reason Chekov and Sulu got "lost" in the woods. Riiight. 

The Incredible Hulk - A Hulked out poodle. 'Nuff said.

Sphere - Best part of the film: Queen Latifah getting taken out by a horde of jellyfish. Worst part: It wasn't Sharon Stone.

Any film that attempts to recreate classic cartoons or stories (Scooby Doo, Flintstones, Cat In the Hat, Grinch, etc.) as live action characters. Ron Howard should have lost his testicles for The Grinch. Sorry, Ron, but you just do NOT fuck with the good Doctor.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 11, 2007)

I concur with the others here that said Hulk sucked arse- too true

but VAN HELSING? even if you aren't into Hugh Jackman, it's still good- but then again, I'm fond of vampire movies (except Shadow of the Vampire obviously  )
Did you dislike the Underworld movies, too? I loved them


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 11, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I concur with the others here that said Hulk sucked arse- too true
> 
> but VAN HELSING? even if you aren't into Hugh Jackman, it's still good- but then again, I'm fond of vampire movies (except Shadow of the Vampire obviously  )
> Did you dislike the Underworld movies, too? I loved them



Somebody jumped out in front of me and screamed, "NO!!" when I said I was going to rent the 'Underwold' movies. I really wanted to see them too but I took this person's word for it. Are they really ok, GEF? If they turn out to be anything like "League of Gentlemen" I will be traumatized. A movie I liked that everyone thought was a real stinkaroo was "Queen of the Damned." It wasn't THE best movie ever but it was fun to watch, I liked the music and I though Alliya was good in it.


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## Esme (Jun 11, 2007)

I'm sorry, but even the oh-so-delightful-to-look-at Hugh Jackman couldn't save the stinky turd that is "Kate & Leopold".

A dude time-travels forward to fall in love with his great-great-great-great granddaughter? Or however they tried to explain that mess? Just EW!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 11, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Somebody jumped out in front of me and screamed, "NO!!" when I said I was going to rent the 'Underwold' movies. I really wanted to see them too but I took this person's word for it. Are they really ok, GEF? * If they turn out to be anything like "League of Gentlemen" I will be traumatized.* A movie I liked that everyone thought was a real stinkaroo was "Queen of the Damned." It wasn't THE best movie ever but it was fun to watch, I liked the music and I though Alliya was good in it.




NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... they are nothing like that waste of film League of Gentleman- not even in the same ballpark. If you like vampire movies then I strongly recommend them. I loved them both. 

Queen of the Damned was "okay" to me. I wouldn't list it as a personal favorite but have to admit that Stuart Townsend rocked my little world in it :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: 
Vampire men are just so sexxxxxxxxayyyyyyyyyyy, Yes I have just admitted it :doh: :blush:

</vampire tramp>


Plenty of vampire man-meat goodness in the Underworld movies :smitten:


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## Regular Bill (Jun 11, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I concur with the others here that said Hulk sucked arse- too true
> 
> but VAN HELSING? even if you aren't into Hugh Jackman, it's still good- but then again, I'm fond of vampire movies (except Shadow of the Vampire obviously  )
> Did you dislike the Underworld movies, too? I loved them



Van Helsing suffered from the director wearing too many hats. besides being director, he was the writer on this one. He either needs to stick with one or the other but not both. I have seen his other films like The Mummy and their always seems to be something lacking,plus I have to say especially in Van Helsing, the CGI looked crappy.

P.S. This is no way a diatribe against the fine actor Hugh Jackman

.


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## marlowegarp (Jun 11, 2007)

Personally I would agree that Underworld blew. The terrible acting was a factor, but also, they're *&&! WEREWOLVES and VAMPIRES. They're supposed to tear the crap out of each other in an unmitigated orgy of blood, not shoot at each other. The idea for a war between werewolves and vampires is so cool, but this leather-clad wankfest just butchered it so that now if someone ever makes a good werewolf/vampire war movie, it'll just get compared to this. 

I remember a video game called Einhander for PS1, which had this awesome opening with a voiceover saying:

There was a time, in the era of great chaos, when the Earth and the Moon were at war with each other. In short, war rules.


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## Regular Bill (Jun 11, 2007)

marlowegarp said:


> Personally I would agree that Underworld blew. The terrible acting was a factor, but also, they're *&&! WEREWOLVES and VAMPIRES. They're supposed to tear the crap out of each other in an unmitigated orgy of blood, not shoot at each other. The idea for a war between werewolves and vampires is so cool, but this leather-clad wankfest just butchered it so that now if someone ever makes a good werewolf/vampire war movie, it'll just get compared to this.
> 
> I remember a video game called Einhander for PS1, which had this awesome opening with a voiceover saying:
> 
> There was a time, in the era of great chaos, when the Earth and the Moon were at war with each other. In short, war rules.



Is it me or did Underworlds werewolves look more feline than cainine???


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## RedVelvet (Jun 11, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... they are nothing like that waste of film League of Gentleman- not even in the same ballpark. If you like vampire movies then I strongly recommend them. I loved them both.
> 
> Queen of the Damned was "okay" to me. I wouldn't list it as a personal favorite but have to admit that Stuart Townsend rocked my little world in it :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu:
> Vampire men are just so sexxxxxxxxayyyyyyyyyyy, Yes I have just admitted it :doh: :blush:
> ...




Lets not even speak of my little ...ahem...Buffy....um...."Spike" problem...


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## snuggletiger (Jun 11, 2007)

The Honeymooners with Cedric the Entertainer. Sorry Ced you just aren't the Great One. 

Open Water. Boy there's a million laughs, 2 people waiting to be eaten alive by a shark they can see. I can just see the kids in Peoria yukking it up.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 11, 2007)

Regular Bill said:


> Van Helsing suffered from the director wearing too many hats. besides being director, he was the writer on this one. He either needs to stick with one or the other but not both. I* have seen his other films like The Mummy and their always seems to be something lacking*,plus I have to say especially in Van Helsing, the CGI looked crappy.
> 
> P.S. This is no way a diatribe against the fine actor Hugh Jackman
> 
> .




Ummmmmm.... dude, The Mummy was good.....


Yeah, yeah, I totally dig Brendan Fraser but what does that have to do with it?


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## Jack Skellington (Jun 12, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> but VAN HELSING? even if you aren't into Hugh Jackman, it's still good- but then again, I'm fond of vampire movies (except Shadow of the Vampire obviously  )
> Did you dislike the Underworld movies, too? I loved them



I thought Van Helsing was great movie and a lot of fun. Plus I really liked the way Dracula was portrayed. He totally kicked ass. Didn't care for Frank's look though. Too stocky.


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## Les Toil (Jun 12, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> I think it's hard to cross-generalize bad movies. Some films are INTENDED to be bad (See aforementioned Snakes On A Plane). Regardless, here are my top bad films:
> 
> Batman and Robin
> 
> ...



OK, This is the finest most consumate list of contemporary butt munch cinema I've ever seen. I'm in full and total agreement with everything here but I want to throw an extra rotten tomato to the offensively appalling "Van Helsing". 

When I heard a competent horror director was bringing back all of the classic Universal monsters, my monster-lovin' buddy and I _bolted_ to the theater to see "Van Helsing". The B & W sequence in the beginning was absolutely gorgeous and I unsuspectedly thought it was setting the tone for the rest of that dreck. Man, was a shit bomb. Dracula was a dick, Frankenstein's monster was a big cowardly doofus! And if ya wanna really piss off a monster fan all ya gotta do is re-write their legends. Werewolves being able to crawl upside-down on ceilings?? And Jeezis, I just prayed those brain-dead village folks would get swooped up by those flying vampirettes for being dumb enough to leave the safety of their cottages every time they heard them coming!! "Gee, those sound like killer vampires flying around outside! I'd better go check to make sure!". And then there's the hot sexy vampire huntress with the sexy fingernail polish, awesome high-heel spiked boots and hot hairdo, none of which existed way back then! Plus computer-generated effects were responsible for the ENTIRE movie! There was a horse chase at the end and they literally CG'ed the horsemen!! I kid you not! This was the best example of desperate filmmaking I've ever seen. It was as if his very life depended on his having to wow the audience every 40 seconds with a new zillion dollar special effect. 

P.U.!


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## Jack Skellington (Jun 12, 2007)

Les Toil said:


> OK, This is the finest most consumate list of contemporary butt munch cinema I've ever seen. I'm in full and total agreement with everything here but I want to throw an extra rotten tomato to the offensively appalling "Van Helsing".



I think it's safe to say I'm probably the biggest Universal Monsters and classic Monster movie fan here. I live and breath Monsters pretty much 24-7 since I was little and I think Van Helsing was a lot of fun. Obviously not in the same league as serious Universal classics like Dracula (1931), Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, ect. Nor was it really intended to be. 

It was more of a modern version of the fun Monster mashing team up movies like Frankenstein meets The Wolf Man and House of Dracula. I also appreciated that it wasn't graphicly violent or gory. It's been a long time since there has been a Monster movie safe to take kids to.

I do agree with the CGI. I've never been a fan of CGI effects and always prefer stop motion and men in suits whenever possible. I liked the Werewolf designs especially the Van Helsing one, but would have really prefered they'd been done with people suits like Underworld. 

I stand by Roxenburgh's Dracula. I liked his take on the character. Bela will always be THE Dracula. No one can out Dracula the master. But I've appreciated that every Dracula from Lee to Langella to Oldman to Roxenburgh have payed little homages to Bela while trying to make their versions unique.

I don't think Van Helsing is a perfect movie nor do I think it in any way comes close to touching the greatness of the classics. But I do think it is a fun movie that in no way deserves the venom directed at it. 

What can I say, I love Monsters.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 12, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Ummmmmm.... dude, The Mummy was good.....
> 
> 
> Yeah, yeah, I totally dig Brendan Fraser but what does that have to do with it?



I liked The Mummy too. The acting and schtick are classic signs of a really bad snuff film BUT it was a case of, "It's so bad it's good." I loved the effects, Arnold Vosloo as "The Mummy" really set my heart aflutter and The Rock was in it. C'mon, THE ROCK. Who's gonna blink while The Rock is on screen? :smitten:


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 12, 2007)

RedVelvet said:


> Lets not even speak of my little ...ahem...Buffy....um...."Spike" problem...



Don't think I'm going to let you slip by without touching on you mentioning "Buffy" and Spike. :smitten: He was a fun character on that show but I followed Boreanaz to "Angel" for a while. I rarely have time to watch tv but if I was around Angel was on my short list of things to TiVo.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 12, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Don't think I'm going to let you slip by without touching on you mentioning "Buffy" and Spike. :smitten: He was a fun character on that show but I followed Boreanaz to "Angel" for a while. I rarely have time to watch tv but if I was around Angel was on my short list of things to TiVo.




See now...Angel was at his best being petulant or bad. (and really...I dont have a thing for bad boys....I like them nice, usually)....His looks never moved me the way they did others.....but I get it..I truly do.

Even Weirder: I dont much care for blonds...especially skinny blond men...but....there was just something about Spike...he...well....he was kinky, and funny, and goofy...I like that.


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## marlowegarp (Jun 12, 2007)

I started watching Buffy when a BMW knocked me off my motorcycle and broke my lower leg. A friend delivered an enormous box with 35-40 DVDs. Unable to move, I blazed through Seasons 1-3, watching sometimes 5 or 6 episodes. When I could move again, I decided enough was enough. The show has a decent ending at that point. 

But I watched the first episode of Season 4. And it began again. 

Nowhere in that entire pretty-okay, occasionally-awesome show did I feel more strongly than in the 7th season, when Faith and Spike were alone. Oh, how I wanted Faith to kick Buffy's whiny ass, hook up with Spike, form a kickass harem with Willow and Tara, generally redeem that show and at some point finish off whatever craptastic non-Mayor BigBad Season 7 had. 

And that's when I learned. You can't always get what you want.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 12, 2007)

marlowegarp said:


> I started watching Buffy when a BMW knocked me off my motorcycle and broke my lower leg. A friend delivered an enormous box with 35-40 DVDs. Unable to move, I blazed through Seasons 1-3, watching sometimes 5 or 6 episodes. When I could move again, I decided enough was enough. The show has a decent ending at that point.
> 
> But I watched the first episode of Season 4. And it began again.
> 
> ...




It is an addiction...it really is.

Even when its bad........its ...well...addicting. I loved seasons 5-6-7...Dark dark dark...

Tho season two rocked for the same reason.....

I own them all.........I confess this of my own free will.

I personally liked "the Preacher".....as a bigbad.


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## MMcC (Jun 14, 2007)

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was the worst movie ever made.

Although, when I was in grad school en route to UK from US after a holiday I was forced to sit through King Ralph. 

Working it out in therapy...


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## wrestlingguy (Jun 14, 2007)

I typically have a difficult time dismissing a movie as bad, no to mention, offensive.

I owned several video stores for many years, and learned that watching a movie more than once gave what I thought was not a great movie a second chance to redeem itself.

On the flight to Las Vegas this Monday, I watched a flick that really needs a second chance, although I don't know I can find something good to say on view number two.

It's called The Astronaut Farmer, with Billy Bob Thornton, and Virginia Madsen.


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## boogiebomb (Jun 18, 2007)

Showgirls, Battlefield Earth, Lost Highway, Jaws III, The Cookout, Glitter. I would rather sit through an eternal marathon of these movies and others like them than to sit through Torque. I have taken dumps that were more entertaining. My vision hasn't been the same since. There's a lawsuit pending.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 18, 2007)

boogiebomb said:


> Showgirls,* Battlefield Earth*, Lost Highway, Jaws III, The Cookout, Glitter. I would rather sit through an eternal marathon of these movies and others like them than to sit through Torque. I have taken dumps that were more entertaining. My vision hasn't been the same since. There's a lawsuit pending.




Oh gawd.... just when I had finally managed to forget Battlefield Earth.......


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## marlowegarp (Jun 18, 2007)

boogiebomb said:


> Showgirls, Battlefield Earth, Lost Highway, Jaws III, The Cookout, Glitter. I would rather sit through an eternal marathon of these movies and others like them than to sit through Torque. I have taken dumps that were more entertaining. My vision hasn't been the same since. There's a lawsuit pending.



Jaws III, wow. It's odd with some series, when the third is worse than the fourth. Jaws III is arguably worse than Jaws: The Revenge. Superman III, Alien 3 and Halloween III are all notable examples. Karate Kid may also be on that list, because I like Hilary Swank and my god, the third one was bad.


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## Regular Bill (Jun 18, 2007)

Is it me or the longer you keep on making sequels the suckier they get???


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