# The Official Joke Thread :D



## Green Eyed Fairy

Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them  

Let me start us off please.....


3 Women in a Hot Tub

Three women - one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly, were sitting naked
in a hot tub. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her
forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager", she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her
ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided
she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the hot tub,
and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that! I'm gettin'
a fax!"


**Disclaimer: I live in NC and have a southern accent so I get to make the hillbilly jokes without being offensive


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## GunnerFA

For those who remember the rush to complete the various venues in Athens for the 2004 Olympic Games, here's a little joke that arose around that time...

The Prime Minister of Greece was touring the Beijing Olympic site with the Prime Minister of China. As they were walking around, the Greek Prime Minister kept nodding his head in approval at the rate of work being completed. 
"This is quite an impressive Olympic site, your people are working at a very fast rate," the Greek PM said to the Chinese PM.
"Yes, we're very happy with the progress. We're pretty sure that the site will be completed by 2006," the Chinese PM replied.
"Same with our site," said the Greek.


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## runningman

Snow White has been expelled from the Disneyland X factor contest.

She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!!"


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## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A - "Here come elephants over hill."

* * * * * * * * * *

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

A - Nothing. He didn't recognize them.


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## Dr. Feelgood

And since it's St. Patrick's Day...

Pat showed up at the police station and demanded to have his best friend Mike arrested. Officer McNulty, who knew both men, took Pat aside and asked him what Mike had done."Why, the spalpeen hit me for no reason!' Said Pat. "I'd dropped in on him after work, and Mike wasn't home yet, so Mrs. Mike asked me to come in and wait for him. And since I was just sitting there, she asked me to hold young Kevin whilst she stirred the chowder. Well, in comes Mike, and he says 'Hello, Pat, and how are you?' "Hello, Mike,' says I, "and I'm holding me own.' And that was when he hit me!"


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## Green Eyed Fairy

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!


****************************************

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" 


*********************************


A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."


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## Green Eyed Fairy

Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freaking think so !!




*************************************************


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at
about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths
occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide
team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before
11:00a.m., all the doctors and nurses nervously
waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and
other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie
Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

**********************************

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


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## Green Eyed Fairy




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## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? . . . Well, this is the spot to share them
> 
> **Disclaimer: I live in NC and have a southern accent so I get to make the hillbilly jokes without being offensive



**Disclaimer: I live in Minnoosoota and have a Norskie accent so I get to make Scandahoovian jokes without being offensive.

Ole and Lena are discussing the new farmhand, a young and stalwart fellow who seems to have an eye for their daughter. 
Lena: "I tink ve haff to let dat young fella go."
Ole: "Vy is dat? He's a dorn gut vorker, dat vun iss!"
Lena: "Vell, I found vere he had pissed his name in the snow, out behind da barn."
Ole: "Vell, dat ain't soo bad. I done dat myself now and then."
Lena: "Ya, but it vas in our dotter's handwriting"

courtesy of "Pissing in the Snow" by Vance Randolph, ded: G. Legman


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## Caine

Guy walks into a bar, ouch!

Two Blondes walked into a bar, you'd have thought one of them would have seen it.

Whats the Difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker stops screwing you once you're dead.

Thats all from me cause I don't wanna type out a long listing jokes tho I do have a few.


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## Canonista

When is bed time at Neverland Ranch?








































When the big hand touches the little hand...


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## Canonista




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## daddyoh70

runningman said:


> Snow White has been expelled from the Disneyland X factor contest.
> 
> She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!!"



And they sent Daisy Duck to the Psych Ward because someone said she was ----ing Goofy.

Here's another one for St. Patrick's Day.

What's green and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture


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## Canonista

Two cannibals are sitting around the campfire eating a clown.

One cannibal turns to the other cannibal and asks:

"Does this taste funny?"


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## xoxoshelby

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your
name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said,
"Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are
going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van
Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by
changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in
Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name
like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your
name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we
will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's
office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The
agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed... 

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation. 

Thank you for your advice.. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke


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## Buffie

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...

Those who can count... and those who can't.


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## magnoliagrows

You must spread some rep around before giving it to Green Eyed Fairy again.

(Though I don't remember the last time I gave it to you.  )

Thanks for this thread. It is great. Love the frogs and the custodian unplugging the life support machine. LOL


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## Green Eyed Fairy

magnoliagrows said:


> You must spread some rep around before giving it to Green Eyed Fairy again.
> 
> (Though I don't remember the last time I gave it to you.  )
> 
> Thanks for this thread. It is great. Love the frogs and the custodian unplugging the life support machine. LOL



I'm glad you like it- I was hoping to give someone a laugh  :bow:


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## bbwsweetheart

ANOTHER very good thread! I printed out and READ the "bean" joke to some family friends who came over for dinner. It was a big hit! 

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo

French fried ships - Cairo

Garlic Coffee - Europe

Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe

Boiled Frogfish - Europe

Sweat from the trolley - Europe

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong

Roasted duck let loose - Poland

Fried friendship - Nepal

Strawberry crap - Japan

Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam

Toes with butter and jam - Bali

French Creeps - L.A.

Fried fishermen - Japan

Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan

Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania

Product Names

Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues

Kolic - Japanese mineral water

Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer

Swine - Chinese chocolates

Libido - Chinese soda

Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink

Shocking - Japanese chewing gum

Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels

Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade

Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent

Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy

Superglans - Netherlands car wax

I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee

Zit - Greek soft drink

Colon Plus - Spanish detergent


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## Wayne_Zitkus

Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?


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## TheSadeianLinguist

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed.

He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

The doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

The man bursts into tears. He says, "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."


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## bbwsweetheart

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.


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## Blackjack_Jeeves

As I enjoy the short, pointless jokes... 

THIRTY ONE-LINERS TO MAKE YOU SMILE 

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

15. Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

31. If you mated a bulldog with a shitzu, would you get a bullshit?


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## Ho Ho Tai

bbwsweetheart said:


> Moral of this story....Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.



*Aw, BBS! You promised you wouldn't give away my secret.*​


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## bbwsweetheart

Ho Ho Tai said:


> *Aw, BBS! You promised you wouldn't give away my secret.*​



:blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: OOoooops!!


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## Wayne_Zitkus

There were two brothers, who were very close all their lives. Jim Frank always stayed on the straight and narrow, while his brother Sam was always a troublemaker. But they shared a strong brotherly bond nevertheless.

Unfortunately, they both died at the same time and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked at them and said, Jim Frank, welcome to heaven. Sam, I'm afraid you'll have to go to the other place.

For the first time, Jim and Sam were separated.

After a few months, Jim was lonely. Sure, Heaven was beautiful, but he missed his brother Sam. Finally, he went to see St. Peter.

"St. Peter, can't you let my brother come here?"

"I'm sorry, Jim. Rules are rules, you know."

"Well, can I go visit him?"

St. Peter thought for a moment and said, "Let me talk it over with The Boss."

St. Peter went to talk to God, and returned a few moments later.

"OK, Jim - here's what we can do. You can go visit your brother for one day, but then you have to come right back here - OK?"

Jim was overjoyed. "Oh, that's GREAT!! Thank you, St. Peter!"

So preparations were made for Jim's trip to hell. And when he got there, he saw that his brother was doing very well. Sam and Satan were real close, he had a Cadillac to drive around in, and women hanging on each arm. Sam had even built a disco down there for others to enjoy. And although Jim had always been rather straight-laced, he enjoyed dancing the night away in his brother's disco.

Finally, it was time for Jim to return to Heaven. He said goodbye to his brother and ascended. Since it was late, the Pearly Gates were locked, so he knocked to have St. Peter let him in.

St. Peter heard him knocking, and went to open the Gates. He took one look at Jim and said, "Jim Frank!! You're a mess!!! Your gown is dirty, your wings are bend, your halo is tarnished, and what happened to your harp?"

Jim realized he didn't have his harp, and suddenly remembered where he had left it.

"Oh, no!!", he exclaimed. "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco!!!""

 :bow:


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## Green Eyed Fairy

Yes, I am shamelessly bumping my own threads...  

As seen in a dog's diary :

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.


Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was

Hmmm, that did not work according to plan .

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time

*************************************

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said

***************************************


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
their Parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put allyour eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we
had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Cathy. Aunty
Cathy was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
plane got hit..she had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

Stay the f**k away from Aunty Cathy when she's been drinking


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## FreeThinker

Buffie said:


> There are 3 kinds of people in this world...
> 
> Those who can count... and those who can't.



There are two kinds of people in the world...

Those who finish everything they start..


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## Deemondess

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years 
having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having 
a good time together she starts talking about this really 
great new drink. The more she talks about it the more 
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend 
into having one. 
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. 
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar 
-- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. 
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the 
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink 
the lime juice." 
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. 
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot 
of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - 
this is OK. Finally he picksup the lime juice and drinks it... 
in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys 
curdles... 
at three seconds the salty curdled bitter 
taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being 
manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, 
he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally 
chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. 
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?" 

Not bad he replied. 
"It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge" she said


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## Buffie

FreeThinker said:


> There are two kinds of people in the world...
> 
> Those who finish everything they start..



LOL... Confession - it took me a second to "get" that one. I'm in the Duh-Zone. 

Here's another.



Ever had a case of Deja Moo? 








It's the feeling that you've heard this bull before.


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## Chimpi

I got this in an e-mail from one of my co-workers the other day:

*Defense Attorney:*
Will you please state your age?

*Little Old Lady:*
I am 86 years old.

*Defense Attorney:*
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night
of April 1st?

*Little Old Lady:*
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up
on the porch and sat down beside me.

*Defense Attorney:*
Did you know him?

*Little Old Lady:*
No, but he sure was friendly.

*Defense Attorney:*
What happened after he sat down?

*Little Old Lady:*
He started to rub my thigh.

*Defense Attorney:*
Did you stop him?

*Little Old Lady:*
No, I didn't stop him.

*Defense Attorney:*
Why not?

*Little Old Lady:*
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died
some 30 years ago.

*Defense Attorney:*
What happened next?

*Little Old Lady:*
He began to rub my breasts.

*Defense Attorney:*
Did you stop him then?

*Little Old Lady:*
No, I did not stop him.

*Defense Attorney:*
Why not?

*Little Old Lady:*
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

*Defense Attorney:*
What happened next?

*Little Old Lady:*
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

*Defense Attorney:*
Did he take you?

*Little Old Lady:*
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot
him, The Little bastard.


----------



## daddyoh70

Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking. 
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 
"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. 
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get 
it." 
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?" 
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. 
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" 
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol." 
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" 
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car 
door. 
"Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 
'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't 
gettin' any real nourishment." 
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, 
there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Here's one I just got in an e-mail from my cousin Karen back East:

*Keep the motor running* 

He's 72, She's 24. It was the stir of the town when an 72 year old man married a 24 year old girl!. 

After a year of marriage she went to the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: " This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" 

He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running." 

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. how do you do it?" He again said: "You've got to keep that old engine running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well !!! you are certainly quite a man!" He responded, " You've got to keep the old engine running." 

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. "This one's black. " 

:doh:


----------



## Chimpi

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't help myself. It's interestingly humorous.


----------



## daddyoh70

Here's one I just got in an email...


----------



## Santaclear

So a rabbi, two state troopers and a nun all walk into a bar together. 

What'll ya have?," the bartender asks the rabbi, who seems to sort of be in charge. 

"I'll have what she's having," he answers loudly, pointing to an old disshevelled woman sitting alone drinking at the bar.

"Who?," the bartender replied.

"What she's having? That woman there," the rabbi said a little softer, pointing again at the woman.

"There's no one there," the bartender said quietly. 

The rabbi, the state troopers and the nun all looked in disbelief at the spot where the woman had just been. She was gone. Long silence.

"What is this?," the bartender demanded. "Some kind of joke?"


----------



## bbwsweetheart

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from actual papers written by a class of 
8-year-olds) 

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them



Well, here's an oldie, but goodie, which came to mind during a recent shopping trip.

Little Mary is all jitters as she and her mother prepare her for her entry into high school social circles, her first dance. She is, perhaps a bit behind in her physical development, so mama is doing what mothers have done forever, "tucking in some cotton, where Nature has forgotten." She tops it off with a family heirloom, a strand of pearls, handed down from mother to daughter for generations.

Mary's date, Jerome, shows up at the door with the requisite corsage, and off they go. Some time later, but not nearly long enough, Mary is back at her mother's door, in tears. Her mother is nonplussed, but manages to ask what has gone wrong. 

Mary: "He kept staring at my chest. He asked, "Gee Mary - are those real?" Well!"

Mother: "Well, I hope you told them that they were. They belonged to your great-great grandmother and have been in the family for generations."

Mary: "Oh! The pearls! I forgot about the pearls!"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The Minister fainted!!!!

************************************

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

************************************

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"


----------



## bbwsweetheart

Dedicated to Swamptoad :bow: 



Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Boudreaux gona run outa bait...

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Alabama moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin... wif two more frogs.


Life is good...


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up to the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde girl timidly spoke up: "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle."


********************************
THIS ONE IS REALLY GOOD  


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded,
"he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too."


*********************************

Dictionary by gender:

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male : The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male : A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male : Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male : A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the lads.

BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
bigger.
male : The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male : Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male : Sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male : An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male : What women do while the man is shagging.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Sexual Job Descriptions

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
*Chess players mate better.*  
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper!
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity. (WHO?)
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Let a gardener trim your bush today!
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are like iron.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.


----------



## imfree

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Sexual Job Descriptions
> 
> Anthropologists do it with culture.
> Archeologists do it with mummies.
> Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
> Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
> Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
> Chemists do it in test tubes.
> *Chess players mate better.*
> City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
> Cops do it with cuffs.
> Deprogrammers do it with sects.
> Divers do it deeper!
> Electricians do it until it Hertz!
> Electronic Tech's have the touch!!!
> Engineers do it with precision.
> Entomologists do it with insects.
> Evangelists do it with Him watching.
> Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
> Firemen do it wearing rubber.
> Firemen do it with a big hose.
> Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
> Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
> Hypertrichologists do it with intensity. (WHO?)
> Lawyers do it in their briefs.
> Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
> Let a gardener trim your bush today!
> Mathematicians do it in theory.
> Metallurgists are like iron.
> Moonies do it within sects.
> Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
> Nuns do it out of habit.
> Philosophers think about doing it.
> Photographers do it in the dark.
> Plasterers to it hard.
> Politicians do it with everyone.
> Pool cleaners do it wet.
> Popes do it in the woods.
> Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
> RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
> Scuba divers do it deeper.
> Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
> Skydivers go down faster.
> Sociologists do it with class.
> Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
> Systems programmers keep it up longer.
> Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
> Vicars do it with amazing grace.
> Waitresses serve it hot.


 Electronic Tech's have the touch, Hahaha!


----------



## FreeThinker

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Sexual Job Descriptions
> 
> Anthropologists do it with culture.
> 
> etc...



Combat shooters do it 52 times a minute in 13 positions.


----------



## bbwsweetheart

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"


----------



## swamptoad

bbwsweetheart said:


> WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from actual papers written by a class of
> 8-year-olds)
> 
> Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."



These are funny! :doh: 

Cool thread.


----------



## Lovelyone

I didnt read all the jokes yet, so I jope that I dont make a duplicate here. 

3 married couples (one couple has been married for 50 years, one couple married for 15 years, and one newlywed couple) all die, but they aren't supposed to die. When they get to the pearly gates, Saint Peter tells them of the mix up and informs them that since they weren't expected so soon, there wasn't enough information to let them into heaven. He then informs them that they would be sent back to their bodies for 2 weeks, and if they could simply refrain from having sex in that time, they would be let into heaven. 

After two weeks, the couples are called back to heaven to tell about their experiences, The husband of the couple that was married for 50 years told Saint Peter, "We have been married so long, and know each other so well that not having sex for 2 weeks was a piece of cake." Saint Peter allowed them into heaven and then turned to the couple that had been married for only 15 years and asked them "Will you be allowed in heaven?" The wife said, "Well, the first week was okay, but the second week we had to actually live in different states to avoid any contact with each other--but we made it the whole 2 weeks." Saint Peter allowed them in. Finally he turned his attention to the newlyweds. "How about the two of you? Will you be allowed into heaven?" the newlywed husband said "Oh MAN! That was the hardest thing we ever had to do. The first week was sheer hell, but we made it through..." Then with a look of worry he continued, "...but we didn't do too well the second week. My wife bent over and I couldn't resist her sexy body." Saint Peter said "Oh I am sorry, we can't let you into heaven." and the wife smiled and said, "Oh that's okay, after last week--we aren't allowed into the frozen food section of Kroger either."


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

-It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.........."I'll be damned.........My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

****************************

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE??

The day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

*********************************

Men's rules

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only, it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off imits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation2. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?"she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

************************************

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."


----------



## imfree

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
> doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
> semen sample tomorrow."
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
> 
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
> Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
> tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
> The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."


 
Hahaha!!!, now, Green Eyed Fairy, I LOVED that one!!!


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

^^Happy to oblige *curtsies*


----------



## imfree

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ^^Happy to oblige *curtsies*


 You're too sweet, Green Eyed Fairy, have a couple soft, warm, squooshy verbal HUGGZZ from me!


----------



## mango

*Today's Aesop Fable *


Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. The boy never understood why it was there, but like it or not, he was stuck with it. 


All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. 


One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. 


After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awakens, the screw will have been removed. 


The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple haze floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. 


The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! 


Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off. 


The moral of the story: 

"_Don't screw around with things you don't understand .... you could lose your ass_."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A - You neek up on it.

:bow:


----------



## Dr. Feelgood

The psychology professor at a small, rural college had invited a psychic to speak to the class about his experiments with the paranormal. After the lecture, the psychic quizzed the students about their own experiences with the supernatural.
"Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?" he asked. After a moment, six hands went hesitantly up.
"And has anyone here ever touched, or been touched by, a ghost?" Three hands.
Finally the psychic asked, "Has anyone here ever, er, had sex with a ghost?" One young man raised his hand.
"You have?' crowed the jubilant psychic. "You've actually had sex with a _ghost_?"
"Oh, uh, no," the boy answered. "I thought you said with a _goat_."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Did you hear about the new "Lassie" movie? It's gonna be called "Long Time, No Tree".


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

^^Wayne, that one was so corny it made me smile


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD Player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed.

"Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus


----------



## amadthon

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?



That one reminded me....did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.


----------



## imfree

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
> 
> "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus


 Hahaha!!!, Green Eyed Fairy, "Jesus loves the little children......".
but He'll have no mercy on that burglar!!!


----------



## mango

*The Nun and the Soldier*

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. 

Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." 


The nun agreed. 

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, 
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" 

The nun replied, "He went that way." 

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." 

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear." 

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" 


The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."


----------



## Chimpi

Please pardon the horrible grammar. 

So this guy has taken his son, Alex, to the same dentist for 15 years. Ever since he was a little boy.
Alex is familiar with the dentist, a woman. Alex's father sets him up on a blind date with the dentists daughter, whom he has never met before.
So the day arrives that he will be going on a date with the daughter, Sarah.
Alex is aware of a party that one of his buddies is throwing that night.
Alex arrives at Sarah's house quite early, enough time to catch a movie before the party.
Well, when Alex arrives at the house, the dentists answers the door, and Greetings are in place. The dentist then goes to get Sarah. Alex has no idea what to expect. To his horror, Sarah is disabled - She lives in a wheelchair. She has no legs. She is not ugly, but she is not gorgeous either. She is just average.
Well, they go to the movie, and they have those handicapped designated seating areas. Sarah stops in one of those, and Alex sits in a seat next to her. They are uncomfortably close to the screen. Sarah has to literally hoist herself up with her arms and sit there, holding herself up, in order to see the screen well.
So they get over with the movie. They liked it okay.
They head off to the party.
WHile they're at the party, Alex and Sarah are just sitting and conversing, enjoying the time together, but one of Alex's buddies comes up and asks him to join him for a beer and a conversation.
So Alex joins him in another room, and 30 minutes goes by. Alex forgot all about Sarah, whom is still sitting and waiting for him to return.
Alex gets up and joins her, and apologizes many times. To his astonishment, she leans over and kisses him. She says "It's okay, don't worry. I like you. Would you like to go have sex?"
Taken aback, Alex does agree to it, and Sarah leads him out of the house, to the backyard, where a tree is in the far corner.
He asks "We're going to do it right here? How?"
She says, "Simple." She hoists herself up to a low hanging branch.
She says "All you have to do is just pull my pants down, and you can do it like that."
So, he agrees, pulls off her pants, and bangs the crap out of her while she's hanging from the tree.
It's all said and done, and Alex takes Sarah home, where she has already zoomed inside. Alex walks up to the door to give his "Good evenings" to the family, and the father meets him at the front door.
The father asks "How was the date? Did you have a good time."
Alex says "Yeah, it was pretty good. =)"
The father says "I'm surprised you're here."
Alex asks "Why?"
The father says "Because most guys just leave her hanging in the tree."


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired,
"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,
"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

***************************


A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay ".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot:
"So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says:
"No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."


*********************************


I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## imfree

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ......When she reached the top she pulled
> 
> down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a
> 
> moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
> 
> I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.
> 
> My future father-in-law was standing outside.
> 
> With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
> 
> have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
> 
> Welcome to the family."
> 
> The moral of this story is:
> 
> 
> Always keep your condoms in your car.



Hahaha!!!, Green Eyed Fairy, maybe the moral of THAT story should have been "things are NOT always as they appear"! LOL


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What has four legs and one arm?

A - A rottweiler.


----------



## FreeThinker

*Q* What is it that a man does standing, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg lifted?



*A* Shake hands.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What's eight inches long and proves I'm a man?

A - My birth certificate.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What's brown and sticky?

A - A stick.

:bow:


----------



## Paw Paw

Man storms into a bar and says, " Give me a shot of that green shit!" The bartender is a little doubtful, " You sure? That stuff is wicked."
" Just found out that my son is gay!"
Bartender pours the shot. The man drinks it down and leaves.

Two weeks later, he comes in again, " Give me a double of that green shit!"
Bartender pouring asks," What now?"
Man swallows and says "My other son is gay too!"

A couple of days later, he returns and ask for the rest of the bottle. The shocked bartender asks," Is there anyone in your family that likes women?"

After the first shot the man replies," Yep! My Wife!"

Peace,
2P.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

A man got a job as a school bus driver, and is assigned a bus with pictures of Ernie, Bert, and Big Bird on it.

The first day one the job, he drives up to the first stop, where he finds two fat girls waiting. As they get on, the first girl says, "Hi - my name is Patty." The second one says, "My name is Patty, too."

At the next stop, a small boy get on and says, "My name is Ross, but my parents think I'm so special they call me Special Ross,"

At the third stop, another boy gets on and says "Yo! - I'm Lester G!"

As the driver is heading toward their school, he notices a foul odor. He looks in the rear-view mirror and sees that Lester G has removed a shoe and is picking at a large bunion on the side of his foot.

After he drops the kids off at the school, he drives back to the bus yard, throws the keys down on the counter and tells the dispatcher "I QUIT!!!"

The dispatcher asks "Why?"

And the driver says "Why? I'll tell you why!!! I refuse to drive around town with two obese Pattys, Special Ross, and Lester G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!!"


----------



## Les Toil

mango said:


> *The Nun and the Soldier*



OK, best joke I've read all year.


----------



## Les Toil

By the way, why is it a bad idea to play cards in the jungle?

It's filled with cheetahs.


----------



## Dr. Feelgood

Q. How can you make an elephant fly?


A. Three yards of material and a very large zipper.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband 

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
________________________________
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem











*********************************

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you 
the happiest woman in the world." 
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out 
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I 
mowed the lawn like this?" 
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th 
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and 
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have 
one wish. 
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. 
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... 
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! 
Gotta love that fairy! 


Dear Lord, 
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And 
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him 
to death. 
AMEN 


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"


----------



## PhillyFA

A preacher always told his kids never to curse. Then he told his wife that he wanted ham for dinner. So she went to the butcher's and asked for a ham. The buthcer told her they were out of ham, but had a new brand, called Damn Ham. She asked if it was good. The butcher told her it was delicious. So she bought a damn ham, brought it home & cooked it. At the dinner table that night, the preacher and the kids were raving about the ham. The wife asked the preacher, "You really like it?" He said "Like it? I LOVE it. Give me more damn ham" Then his son said "That's the spirit Dad. Now pass the fucking potatoes."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

I just got this in an e-mail from my sister Lynn:

* * * * *

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots Ella and Stella. They keep each other company well enough, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest sputters; then he stops and thinks for a moment. "You know," he continues more calmly, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying those awful words in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots, Frank and Jacob, inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots, Ella and Stella, in with them. After a few minutes of quiet, the female parrots cry out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There is stunned silence.

Then one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered."


----------



## Buffie

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is propped up against the headboard, with a self-satisfied smile, and smoking a cigarette.

The egg makes an angry face, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says "Well! I guess we answered THAT question!"


----------



## Dr. Feelgood

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's taken aback because he can't recall where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
He suddenly remembers the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She calmly replies, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

DId you hear about the bear that had sex with a giraffe? He didn't want to - his friends put him up to it.


----------



## Chimpi

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room. They found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance. He said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something FALSE, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three men entered. Upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm most intelligent of us three." He suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands. Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three." In an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign. Excited over the possibility of finally having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.


----------



## Chimpi

An American is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conve rsation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recyc le them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

I copied and pasted that as is. I did not feel like correcting the little mistakes thrown around in the joke.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

One day at school Susan asked Johnny if he knew what a penis was. Johnny replied no but that he would find out and return tomorrow with the answer. That night Johnny went to his dad and asked, "What is a penis?"

Johnny's dad told him that it would be better if he showed Johnny rather than tell him. So, with that, Johnny's dad took out his penis and told Johnny, "This is a penis and, as a matter of fact, this is a perfect penis."

So the next day at school Susan asked Johnny if he found out what a penis was. Johnny told her that he thought it would be better if he showed her rather than tell her.

At break they went behind the school and Johnny took out his penis. He then told Susan, "This is a penis and if it where three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis."


********************************


Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?






DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \.....
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

President Bush went to an elementary school to speak to a class of 
students. The President told them they could ask questions, but first had to raise their hands, stand and identify themselves with their first names.

The first student raised his hand and the President recognized him. The boy said "My name is Michael and I have three questions. 

One, do you think this war is a just war? 

Two, don't you think the American attack on Hiroshima was a Terrorist Attack? 

And three, how did you become President when you clearly did not have the majority of the vote?"

Just then, the recess bell rang and all the children went out to play. 

After fifteen minutes the children returned to the classroom and resumed their time with the President.

The next student raised his hand and stood and identified himself. "My 
name is Walter and I have five questions. 

One, do you think this war is a Just War? 

Two, don't you think the American attack on Hiroshima was a Terrorist Attack? 

Three, how did you become President when you clearly did not have the majority of the vote? 

Four, why did the Recess Bell ring twenty minutes early? 

And five, where is Michael?"


----------



## moore2me

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars 
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral -  

Not all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

^^^^lol moore


That deserves a big *high five*


----------



## mango

*Little Billy*


Little Billy on Survival

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh? replied the man. " 
Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy on Philosophy

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Billy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. 
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy on Math

Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy on English

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy on Grammar

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." 
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. 
"My mommy planned a beautiful Banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy. 
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned.

"What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said "Not well suited for bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."

********************************

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.

Oh no! exclaims the president, thats terrible!

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

On Marriage......


Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you
Give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be
sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

*****

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'


*******


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

***********

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
Wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time
to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."








THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece Of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover
it Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00
AM. Wake up."


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Dear Wife

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, He found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Dear Wife
> 
> My Dear Husband,
> . . . As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."



GEF -
This is a great thread, and you personally have given me some of the best laffs I've had in years. I would have posted more jokes here, but they all seem pretty lame compared to the rest.

re: the 'goes intos'. At my age, sex is a bit like trying to divide by zero. The effort is infinite, the results negligible.


----------



## William

Its a Great Time to Be Silver!

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldnt handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. 

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"Its okay," he said, "but why wont they let me fart?"


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them



. . . here goes anyway.

The sweet young thing (you can tell this is an old joke) awoke from her honeymoon night, disappointed more than a bit. After talking a great game, her brand new hubbie gave her a good night kiss, rolled over, and was sound asleep in an instant.

She had no idea what might be wrong, but the next morning, took her old friend into her confidence - Schultz, the butcher. An experienced and knowing individual, Schultz wrapped up a dozen oysters and gave them to her. 
"Here," he said, "Make a pot of oyster stew for him. Feed it to him for supper, and then see what happens!"

She did as she had been instructed.

The next morning, she was back in the butcher shop with a long face.

"Mr. Schultz, he ate all the oysters, but only nine of them worked!"


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

I just found this on my hard drive - it's several years old, because it's been a while since we're had a CompuServe account.



> *Stupid News Headlines! Amusing Slip-Ups*
> 
> By Cathryn Conroy, CompuServe News Editor
> 
> When headline writers, reporters, and broadcasters take a story too literally, hilarity can ensue. What were they thinking when they wrote--or said--these lines? Credit for finding these gems, most of which were culled from media sources in Canada, Australia, and New Zealand, goes to RinkWorks.com.
> 
> *Front Page Gaffes*
> 
> "Slain Doctor Worried About His Death"
> 
> "Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69"
> 
> "Flawless Take-Off Marred By Hitch"
> 
> "Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use"
> 
> 
> *Go Back to Journalism 101*
> 
> "The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad."
> 
> "Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating."
> 
> "The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed."
> 
> 
> *TV Bloopers*
> 
> "Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving."
> 
> "Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese."
> 
> 
> *Even Corrections Can be Funny!*
> 
> "Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson."


----------



## diggers1917

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? 
A flat minor. 

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? 
A flat major. 

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? 
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff. 

Why did the chicken cross the road? 
To get away from the bassoon recital. 

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? 
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. 

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? 
Drool. 

How many double bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. 

Whats the difference between a soprano and a limosine?
Not everyone has been inside a limo.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. 
Both suck when you plug them in. 

Whats the difference between a cello and a coffin?
With the coffin the dead body is on the inside.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola? 
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger. 

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? 
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it. 
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? 
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it. 

A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" 
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." 
The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. 
The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. 
The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?" 
The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?" 
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it." 


In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?" The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask." 
The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter. 
"Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply. 
"Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said. 
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!" 
The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree. 
"OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below. 
"Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?" 
"Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us." 
"I don't understand," said his friend. 
"Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face. 
"Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"

disclaimer: Violists actually count among the sweetest people on the face of the Earth.


----------



## Grandi Floras

[url=http://www.texasemt.com/web/modules.php?name=Video_Stream&page=watch&id=29]Video - Tickle me Elmo[/URL]

*TICKLE ME ELMO*​
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "But I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two *Test Tickles*."


----------



## Grandi Floras

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took 
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out 
fishing this weekend. 
I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next 
weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing,
I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not 
said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had 
to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut 
off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: "Fishing or Sex?" 
and she said: "*Wear Sun-Block*."


----------



## Blackjack

LOL MEN ARE HORN DOGS AND WOMEN HATE SEX LOL

(Can't we just make one centralized bad joke thread?)


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Blackjack said:


> LOL MEN ARE HORN DOGS AND WOMEN HATE SEX LOL



I figured this out at a young age, too  



Blackjack said:


> (Can't we just make one centralized bad joke thread?)



There are two actually.....
hang on and I will get the link....


http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?p=451443#post451443

Forum search showed me one that Wayne had made previous to mine but it hasn't been used since March 2006- and his is the "Official BAD joke thread" so I assume mine is for good jokes?


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

*bump*  .


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

There was a valley in the Land of Tridville, filled with small creatures called "trids". Every day, a giant would come into the valley and kick the Trids around.

Word of this reached the local synagogue, and the rabbi went into the valley to talk to the giant.

The rabbi asked teh giant, "Look, giant - why don't you kick me instead?

To which the giant replied:

"SILLY RABBI - KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS!"

:bow:


----------



## Dr. Feelgood

A wealthy gentleman lived in a large house with an enormous wraparound porch. He wanted to have the porch painted, but was unwilling to pay what the painters asked. One day his doorbell rang. There on the porch was a slight, very blonde young woman.
"Please, sir," she said, "I need to earn some money. Do you have any chores I could do?"
"Certainly," he replied. "I have been looking for someone to paint my porch. I have the paint, and I will pay you twenty dollars to apply two coats of paint." She happily agreed, he gave her the paint and brushes, and off she went.
"That wasn't nice," his wife complained. "It will take her two days to paint the porch. You should pay her more."
"She agreed to twenty dollars, and a deal's a deal," he replied.
They were both amazed when the blonde presented herself an hour later and said, "All done!"
"Did you give it two coats?" the husband asked.
"I sure did!" she said. "And by the way, it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."


----------



## Mathias

This one is more of a riddle than a joke that I came up with:

"I never end, but there always never seems to be enough of me. What am I?"


----------



## Blackjack

MattS19 said:


> This one is more of a riddle than a joke that I came up with:
> 
> "I never end, but there always never seems to be enough of me. What am I?"



Time.

What do I win?


----------



## Mathias

I made some cookies:eat2:


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What's the difference between a duck?

A - One of its legs is both the same.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

MattS19 said:


> I made some cookies:eat2:



You did... my friend?


----------



## Zoom

Isn't 5:30 a bit late to get up to go fishing?


----------



## ataraxia

MattS19 said:


> I made some cookies:eat2:



...but you eated them?


----------



## Wagimawr

Can't decide if this is just a run-of-the-mill joke, or a BAD JOKE, so I double-posted. 

Q: What happens when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blown Apart.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Wagimawr said:


> Can't decide if this is just a run-of-the-mill joke, or a BAD JOKE, so I double-posted.
> 
> Q: What happens when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
> A: Linoleum Blown Apart.



I actually got this one.... believe it or not


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am telling you this because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house
to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and tonight, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle
of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking
good I feel.


----------



## Paw Paw

If this was already posted, I apologize.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In Turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to Keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Peace,
2P.


----------



## Waxwing

A man went to visit his doctor. 

"Dr, I'm not feeling very well. I think something is wrong." 
"Well, you should probably stop masturbating." 
"Do you think that's the cause?" 
"No, but it's bothering the other patients."


----------



## William

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?" 

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth. 

"I think you're bad luck....."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

From an e-mail I got a while back....



> With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost unnoticed recently.
> 
> Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ......and things just started to go downhill from there.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good
time to tell his Mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a
troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday.
"Of course", he said. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman,
wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to
your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for
your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would! like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy.

Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this
year, so he tore it up and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my
birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God
either.
So, Leroy wrote a third letter.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you, Leroy.

Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went
downstairs and told his moth er that he needed to go to church..

She thought her plan had worked.

"Just be home for dinner," she told him. Leroy walked down the
street to the church on the corner.

He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and! picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back
home.
He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his
letter to God.

Letter 4
Dear God,
I got your mama.
If you want to see her again, send the bike.

Signed,
You know who.


----------



## William

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, 

"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. 
Claims he's invisible." 

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."


----------



## swamptoad

Four men were taking a trip in a small airplane when the engine began to 
cough and sputter....and died. Only then did they discover that there were 
only three parachutes on board. One of the men did some fast thinking and 
said: "Look, guys, I am a world-class brain surgeon. I have four life-or-
death operations to perform next week alone. My talents are pricelessly 
valuable to the human race. I really should have one of those parachutes." 
The others talked it over and thought this was a good idea, so he strapped 
on a parachute and jumped out. Another man then spoke up: "Listen, guys, I 
am a member of Mensa, Intertel, and Triple Nine. I have the highest IQ in 
the world. My brains are a pricelessly valuable resource to mankind. I 
really should have one of those parachutes." The others thought this seemed 
like a good idea so he strapped on a pack and jumped out. The third man then 
turned to the fourth and said: "Look, son, I am a priest. Why don't you take 
the last parachute and save yourself." The fourth looked up at him and 
grinned, saying: "Not to worry, Father. We have no problem. You see, the 
smartest man in the world just jumped out of the airplane wearing my 
knapsack!"


----------



## FreeThinker

At about midnight, a man knocks on Dr. Harvey's door.

Agitated, the doctor demands, "What do you want at his hour?"

"You have to help me!" says the man.

Sensing the stress in the man's voice, the doctor adopts a professional demeanor. "Of course," he says. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, doctor," the man begins, "I...I think I'm a _*moth!*"_

"A moth!?" exclaims the doctor, incredulous at the notion. "Well...I'm a dentist. Surely you should be seeing a psychiatrist! What made you come here?"

"Your light was on."


----------



## William

A man walks into a dentist office and tell the dentist: "You have to help me. I think I am a moth!"

The dentist says: "Good Lord, Man you don't need me. You need a therapist."

The man says: "I know but your light was on."






William said:


> A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said,
> 
> "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
> Claims he's invisible."
> 
> The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

A woman comes into a psychiatrist's office and says, "I need you to help my husband, Doctor he thinks he's a refrigerator."

The psychiatrist says, "That doesn't sound like a very big problem."

To which the woman replies, "But it is. You see, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake!"


----------



## William

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 
"I'll have a gin.........................and tonic."

The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"







Wayne_Zitkus said:


> A woman comes into a psychiatrist's office and says, "I need you to help my husband, Doctor he thinks he's a refrigerator."
> 
> The psychiatrist says, "That doesn't sound like a very big problem."
> 
> To which the woman replies, "But it is. You see, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake!"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms were expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK. So - Janet decided to give it a try.

She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot
(the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushroom didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a
great success, and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominos.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went
into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible.
We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom,
gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!


----------



## Count Zero

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where he can find a book on suicide.

The librarian responds, "Screw off, you'll never return it."


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Count Zero said:


> A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where he can find a book on suicide.
> 
> The librarian responds, "Screw off, you'll never return it."


 
A man walks into the library and asks the librarian where he can find their self-help books.

The librarian responds, "If I told you, wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"


----------



## moore2me

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond."

Now we have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.


----------



## diggers1917

I was on my way to Tonbridge Wells one day, and was at my local station buying a train ticket. It so happened that the woman I was buying the ticket from was...how shall we say it...very well endowed in the chest area. When she asked where I wanted to go I, without thinking, came out with 'Tonbridge Tits, please', and instantly regretted it, feeling a complete fool. 
The bloke behind me put a hand on my shoulder and said 'don't feel bad about it, it's called a Freudian Slip. It means that sometimes you say something other than you meant to. It happened to me this morning, at breakfast. I _meant_ to say to my wife "Darling, could you pass me the butter", but it _came out _as "*You f*cking bitch I hate you, you've ruined my life!!!"*


----------



## ataraxia

Here's one I found on a German techie forum, translated for your lolz:

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.


----------



## William

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.	

---Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

diggers1917 said:


> I was on my way to Tonbridge Wells one day, and was at my local station buying a train ticket. It so happened that the woman I was buying the ticket from was...how shall we say it...very well endowed in the chest area. When she asked where I wanted to go I, without thinking, came out with 'Tonbridge Tits, please', and instantly regretted it, feeling a complete fool.
> The bloke behind me put a hand on my shoulder and said 'don't feel bad about it, it's called a Freudian Slip. It means that sometimes you say something other than you meant to. It happened to me this morning, at breakfast. I _meant_ to say to my wife "Darling, could you pass me the butter", but it _came out _as "*You f*cking bitch I hate you, you've ruined my life!!!"*


A Freudian Slip ia when you say one thing and mean your mother.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."

:bow:


----------



## swamptoad

Why did the bunny cross the road?

Because he wanted to show his girlfriend that he could hip hop.

*corny, huh?*


----------



## William

An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half of his drink into another cup.

He then gave these to his wife. 

Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, Thats so sweet that you share the meal, but why arent you eating? 

The old lady replied, Im waiting for the teeth.


----------



## William

It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.


---John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.





William said:


> The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
> 
> ---Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What's invisible and smells like carrots?

A - Bunny farts.


----------



## William

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken 
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken 
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little 
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is 
falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think 
that farmer said?"


One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A - You neek up on him.

:bow:


----------



## Nose_body_knows

here are some random jokes, more will come later  

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Life is a bowl of punch, so go ahead and spike it


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...

While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly

jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed

there. 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled

him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now 

considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news

and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were

able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the

life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe

belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." 

"How soon can I go home?"

*Boy, if I had a nickel for every time this has happened to me, n'mean?*


----------



## swamptoad

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.


----------



## William

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. 

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong 
way on Route 280!'' 

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What's red and white on the outside, and gray on the inside?

A - Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

OK, maybe it's not that funny but it made me SNORK.  

THE HAIRCUT

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can 
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two 
hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How 
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long 
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow 
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for 
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said, "Your house."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he 
was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives 
off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It 
jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his 
mouth and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole. 

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 

The guy said, "No, what?" 

"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!" 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in 
sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, 
paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out. 

Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered 
a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the 
man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the 
bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. 
Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and 
ate it. 

The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he 
asked. 

"No, what?" replied the guy. 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate 
it...the same with a peanut!" 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. " said the guy. "He still eats everything 
in sight but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything 
first." 

*And haven't we all done that in some way in our lives? Just sayin'. 
*


----------



## _broshe_

three men arive at the gates of heaven. 

Peter tells them that they must tell him the true meaning of easter in order to get in.

the first man says "well, easter is when we put up a tree and share gifts and presents, and selebrate the birth of.."

"no thats Christmas" say's peter, shaking his head.

the second man says "well, easter is when we carve up a turkey, and selebrate our thanks for america..."

"NO NO NO!" shouts peter. "that is thanksgiving" he looks to the third man

"well we celebrate jesus' death"

"and?" says peter 

He rose from the dead on the third day

And?

he saw his shadow and there was 6 more weeks of winter
------------------------------------------------------------------


----------



## BigBawdyDame

Q: How do you make a Ventician blind?


A: Poke him in the eye!


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them
> 
> **Disclaimer: I live in NC and have a southern accent so I get to make the hillbilly jokes without being offensive



This one came up during a party the other night. I thought I had posted it, but don't see it, so here goes again.

Two guys were walking a dog, the owner holding the leash, the two in conversation. They paused for a moment and the dog took advantage of the moment to lick his member.

Observing this activity, the dogless one commented, "Gee! I wish I could do that."

The other admonished, "Well - don't you think that you should at least scratch his ears first?"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

BigBawdyDame said:


> Q: How do you make a Ventician blind?
> 
> 
> A: Poke him in the eye!



I told this one to the guys at the poker game last night- it got laughs


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Ho Ho Tai said:


> This one came up during a party the other night. I thought I had posted it, but don't see it, so here goes again.
> 
> Two guys were walking a dog, the owner holding the leash, the two in conversation. They paused for a moment and the dog took advantage of the moment to lick his member.
> 
> Observing this activity, the dogless one commented, "Gee! I wish I could do that."
> 
> The other admonished, "Well - don't you think that you should at least scratch his ears first?"



hahaha that is a good one


----------



## William

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist 
said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, 
miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, 
I think I just heard a discouraging word."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

*I am an Oklahoman living in exile in Dallas and yup, this is kinda the way they think (and drive:shocked*


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Joe wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she said she already 
had a boyfriend.

One day he got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you 
a $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl said, 'NO.' Joe then said: 'I'll be fast -- I'll throw the money on 
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her 
boyfriend.

She called her boyfriend and told him the story. The boyfriend said: 'Ask 
him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get 
his pants down.'

She agreed and accepted the proposal. A half an hour went by. Finally, after 
45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened. She said: 'The 
bast*rd used quarters!'

The negotiation lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety 
before agreeing to it and getting screwed in the end.


----------



## William

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They
noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took
off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The
second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties." So she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it
seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card
stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them



When I was growing up and captivated by the radio ('40s & '50s) there were any number of comedians who specialized in just! plain! good humor - much of it drawing on their own childhood and ethnic background. Very little was derogatory, scatological, demeaning, pejorative, or offensive, but often did more to shed light on humanity and it's foibles than a shelf full of thick, serious tomes. It was the kind of humor that only Garrison Keillor seems to promote these days. (You can tell that this is an old-timer talking, just from that phrase.)

Two of my favorites were Danny Thomas (Make Room for Daddy) and Sam Levenson. One of them - I can no longer recall which, and Google is no help - told a story that stuck with me over the years. I had occasion to tell it to the owner of a coffee shop recently when, in serving me, dropped a spoon on the floor and, reaching down behind the counter, came up with 'another' one.

The story. It is one of those huge family Thanksgiving dinners, with loads of uncles, aunts, cousins seated around the groaning boards - people you saw maybe once a year, if that. This year, the youngest daughter was in the process of assuming the duties which had previously fallen to her mother and older siblings. 

At last, it was her turn to go into the kitchen and bring out the turkey, carefully arranged on the platter. She went to the kitchen, came back struggling with the weight of the bird, lost her footing, and dumped it all over the floor, right in front of family, cousins, uncles - the whole works.

Utter mortification! The poor girl didn't know where to turn. Tears streaming down her face, she looked to her mother for help.

Her mother, quite equal to the occasion, simply said "Well, just put the turkey back on the platter, take it out to the kitchen, and bring out the 'other' turkey!"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Fall Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, October 26 , 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.

FAMILY:4 weeks, Saturdays noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 12
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 13
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, locatio n to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


----------



## ilovesecretb

in those adverts where its like a woman in her kitchen saying 'I cant get these stains out my clothes' and someone appearing out of nowhere saying 'use ....' yada yada yada. and the woman goes 'wow, it really works', why doesnt she just be normal and say 'Who the hell are you? How'd you get in my kitchen? ... Get the hell out MY HOUSE!'. lol


----------



## mango

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? 

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!"


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

Just a few of my recent favorites (highlight for answer):

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbeldon? Tennish.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry ten donuts...and two cups of coffee.

Who's the most popular girl in the nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.

*The Husband Store*

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 331,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

**************************************************
A 3-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mommy," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

*************************************************
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a fucking diamond.
*************************************************
And the last one...

So an old man and an old woman are sitting on the porch one day. The old woman turns suddenly and belts the old man right across the jaw. She says, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."
They sit in silence for a while.
The old man then turns and belts her one, replying, "_That_ was for knowing the difference!"


----------



## William

Crib Note

A wife finds her husband standing over their newborns crib. As he watches the sleeping infant, she sees on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, and enchantment. Eyes glistening, she slips her arms around him. 

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispers. 

"Its amazing!" he replies. "How can anybody make a crib like that for only $46.50?"



William 




William said:


> A man walks into a dentist office and tell the dentist: "You have to help me. I think I am a moth!"
> 
> The dentist says: "Good Lord, Man you don't need me. You need a therapist."
> 
> The man says: "I know but your light was on."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Doctors:
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. Is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics courtesy of the U.S. Dept. Of Health & Human Services

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is 80,000,000
(yes that's 80million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year,
All age groups, is 1,500
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is
0.001875% [Statistics courtesy of the FBI]

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely
Out of hand!!!


Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

*Health Care Professionals, please note I have posted this in a "joke" thread. I have every respect for your commitment and service. Anti-gun nuts, lighten up! I KNOW the reasoning is flawed as well as the stats! It's a JOKE! Get it?*


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired airline pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" 

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her big, beautiful, naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?" 

The tough old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that stupid lion out of the way.


----------



## FreeThinker

Why did the Canadian cross the road?






To get to the middle.


----------



## William

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?










Answer
Claustrophobic


----------



## love dubh

Ignatius and Mick are standing in line at the employment office. They see an advertisement saying tree fellers needed. 









Ignatius says to Mick "Too bad dere's only two o' us."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them



Not a joke, exactly, but an incident from my past which may give you a chuckle.

It's the early '70s and I'm in my early 30s. I'm in the process of breaking out of my dedicated nerdiness and trying out some new behaviors. My white shirts with the IBM cards in the pocket had to go. My wife and I got into organic gardening and I bought my first pair of s_kicker boots, along with some Levi's button-fly jeans.

We were hanging out with some church folks who liked to have a bit of excitement after the communion was over. My wife and I, along with a divorced pal my age ('Jack', for purposes of this story) and a gaggle of younger gals who hoped to snare Jack, started hitting a few area dance clubs. One of them was the kind of place where jeans and boots worked just fine.

I anticipated one problem, and that was getting rid of the 'rented' beer, while wearing these stiff, new, button-down jeans. (Note: it is well known, among men at least, that one does not want to spent excess time standing in front of the urinal.) I wasn't sure how to expedite my 'visit', which was not to be put off for a moment longer. I whispered to my 'friend' Jack that I needed a bit of manly advice - he, who was born wearing button-front jeans. He bellowed out, so that the whole floor was party to my dilemma, that "YOU JUST UNBUTTONED THE BOTTOM TWO BUTTONS, DID YOUR BUSINESS, AND BUTTONED UP AGAIN".

Gee - Thanks, Jack.

Red-faced both from embarrassment and the effort not to embarrass myself further, I beat a hasty retreat to the restroom.

Upon returning, I got my revenge. In an equally loud voice, I announced "YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT THE TWO BUTTONS, JACK. IT TAKES THREE!"


----------



## William

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"Harry yells,

"I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada 
with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a Long weekend. 
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you 
please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box 
from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to 
pick my things up" "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas." The 
wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her 
husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired but, otherwise, 
looking good. 

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my 
new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to to? 

???? You'll love the answer................. Scroll Down.



















???? The wife replies, -- " I did, they're in your tackle box."


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

_All I can say is that this joke is my life. Replace "penis" with "electronics/computer" and it is the literal truth._

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. 
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "you've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! 
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." 

The man perks up at this. 

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. 

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." 

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" 

"I have," says the man. 

"And has she helped you in making the decision?" 

"She has," says the man. 

"And what is it?" asks the doctor. 

"We're getting a new kitchen."


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

I rear-ended a car this morning. 

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the 
car. . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to 
get funny? 

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! 

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" 

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" 

. . . and that's when the fight started.


----------



## bexy

*why is paris hilton like jesus....?



theyre both only famous cos of who their dads are  *


----------



## William

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing his
four-year-old son comes up and says,

`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the Wardrobe floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

William said:


> 'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'


It's amazing how many 'dumb person' jokes used to be attributed to people of the Polish persuasion.

What a lovely PC world we live in.


----------



## William

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? 





Scroll Down 










Santapplause !...


----------



## mango

*Funny joke supplied by love dubh in chat...


A Scotsman brings an octopus into a bar with him. 

He says that this creature can play any instrument handed to him; he makes a bet. 

A patron gives the octopus a guitar. He plays "Greensleeves" flawlessly. The guy hands over his money. 

The next guy gives the octopus a flute. He plays that beautifully as well. The fella coughs up his dough. 

Finally, someone puts a set of bagpipes on the counter. The octupus looks at it, wrestles it for a minute, then moves away, confused. The guy asks "What's wrong, can't play it?" 

The octopus says "Play it? When I get it's pyjamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

*


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Granny Pilgrim made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."

"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie
crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them



I first heard this so many years ago that there is a chance most of you may not have. 

God is getting ready for the Last Day. To kick things off, he has written a huge symphony, with parts for everyone still living - whether they could play an instrument or not. Little Moishe, the tailor, is definitely one who could not. But God was not about to leave him out, and so gave him a triangle to strike. Moishe's job was to hit it one time, right at the end of the 496th movement.

Well, everybody is ready. All of earth's hllls are covered with players and vocalists. God picks up the baton and starts it off. Years go by, and still the music rolls on. 

Finally, the 496th movement arrives. Toward the end, God points his baton at Moishe to prepare him for his part. All that comes back is Moishe, snoring away. No triangle note to complete the movement.

God, with a disgusted look, sets his baton on the podium (Mt. Everest, of course) and says, wearily, "OK, guys - take it from the top."


----------



## William

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down,
the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll
have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll
have a beer, too," says the ostrich. 

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please." 
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says,
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once
again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. 

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender. 

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the
man. 

"Same for me," says the ostrich. 


"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. 

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?" the bartender asks. 

"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be
there." 

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!" 

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man. 


The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" 


Oh Yeah, My second wish was a chick with long legs.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. 



He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating d*ldos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. 



"Except what?" the man asked. 



"Nothing, nothing." 



"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" 



"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo [email protected]" 



"So what's up with this Voodoo [email protected]?" he asked. 



The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking d*ldo. 



The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other d*ldo in this shop!" 



The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo [email protected], the door." 



The Voodoo [email protected] miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. 



Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo [email protected], return to box!" 



The Voodoo [email protected] stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. 



"I'll take it!" said the businessman. 



The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d*ldo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo [email protected], my crotch." 



After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo [email protected] She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo [email protected], my crotch!" 



The Voodoo [email protected] shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out! , but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. 



Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the d*ldo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. 



A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. 



Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo [email protected] thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" 



The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right........ Voodoo [email protected], my butt."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 

'What's wrong?' asked the Doc. 'Didn't my idea work?'

'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find us a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.'

'Good, Homer. So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.



'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started.


----------



## chunkeymonkey

Hey all I dont know if you have seen this but I cant stop laughing.............Thanks Admiral snackbar


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 &#8211; These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 &#8211; These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That’s nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 &#8211; These man Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 &#8211; These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With The Housework.

"Oh, Mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 &#8211; The men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking, Help With The Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 &#8211; You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Please Note:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited


----------



## moore2me

At a high School in Texas a group of high 
Schoolers played a prank on the school. 
They let three goats loose in the school. 
Before they let them go they painted numbers 
On the sides of the goats: #1, #2, and #4. 


Local school administrators spent most of The day looking for #3.


----------



## mango

moore2me said:


> At a high School in Texas a group of high
> Schoolers played a prank on the school.
> They let three goats loose in the school.
> Before they let them go they painted numbers
> On the sides of the goats: #1, #2, and #4.
> 
> 
> Local school administrators spent most of The day looking for #3.



*That's Gold!!

*


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A LESSON FOR US ALL

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were 
many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers 
stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys 
again. 

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became 
so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! 

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf 
of him. 

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." 

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! 

And now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


----------



## DUBLINDA

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares, puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, "What's the occassion?" 

The guy says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob!", as he finishes off the last shot. 

"Well," says the bartender, "in that case, here have one on the house " and he fills another shot glass. 

"No thanks," says the guy, "If twelve didn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't!"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

TWO WORDS 

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch".

She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." 

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.

He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him... pussy and bitch.

Dad says, "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Everything outside that circle

OK, my bad. If it helps any I'm duly ashamed at myself for laughing at this. :blush:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

THIS IS FOR ALL YOU HISTORY BUFFS. 

It was March 6, 1858. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, ...... 'Jim, are we having some landscaping done today...?'

No excuse I suppose but the friend who sent me this is Mexican.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Quick Check for Alzheimer's 

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at 
Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a 
mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat. 
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat. 
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on. 

Of the last 3 jokes I just now posted which did you find least offensive? Wish I knew how to do a poll.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. 

After he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he'd find himself a trophy wife.



One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. Dan immediately approached her and said "I may look like an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I! will inherit 20 million dollars." 



Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and in a very short time, she became his stepmother. 

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Do you think you know a lot about money? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. But let's see if any of the following facts are in any way surprising to you:

1. More of our fantasies are about money... than sex.

2. If we could have any luxury in the world (and money didn't matter) more of us would choose to spend money on a butler and a maid than anything else.

3. 90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts.

4. Money is the leading cause of disagreements in marriages.

5. 65% of Americans would live on a deserted island all by themselves for an entire year for $1,000,000.

6. For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks.

What's really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it's ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a "measly" two million.

7. 92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives.

8. Here's a weighty one: Money (or the lack thereof) is the biggest stress inducer in the lives of Americans. We worry more about money than our marriages, our health, or even who's going to win the Superbowl Game or come out on top in the latest Survivor TV show.

9. If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way they do it is, they briefly press the bills between rollers at high enough temperatures to kill most bacteria.

10. Women have very fixed ideas on how much they are willing to spend on a bra. 38.3% of women won't spend $30 for a bra. 28.4% won't spend $50. 10% would pay as much as $75. And, only 3.5% would shell out $100. But, you know what? Almost 20% of women say they would pay almost anything for a bra. This is because they consider (and I guess so do a few men) that the contents of what those bras are encasing is of extremely high-value.

11. Nearly half of the people who sell their houses with furniture included will take all the light bulbs out of all the lamps when they vacate the premises.

12. Most people won't bend over to pick up money lying on the sidewalk unless it's at least a dollar.

13. Most Americans think pennies are a pain in the ass and the U.S. Mint should stop making them.

14. There is about 405 billion dollars in circulation. Only 32 million of that amount is counterfeit. That means, the percentage of counterfeit money in America is .0079%. And, $20 bills are more often counterfeited than $100 bills.

15. Do people care if their bills are crisp? Indeed, they do. Fresh, crisp, clean bills are considered much more valuable than those which are old, wrinkled and dirty.

I once sent a 'dollar bill thank you' letter to a guy who sent a sincere letter back to me bitching the free $1 bill I sent him was wrinkled instead of crisp as I had described in the letter.

16. Let's flip a coin and try to guess whether it will come up heads or tails. Three times as many people guess 'heads' than 'tails'.

17. Here's one I personally think really sucks: One out of every four Americans believe their best chance of getting rich is by playing the lottery.

18. How about this one for a shocking fact: 5% of lottery ticket buyers buy 51% of all tickets sold. (Trust me, none of these people belong to the "Einsteins of America Society".)

19. A staggering 74% of us are influenced by how much we can win in a lottery as opposed to the odds of us winning.

20. That's a good thing for the Government because the odds of winning a lottery jackpot are about 10 million to 1.

21. A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket... than... he is to win the jackpot.

22. Sunday newspaper coupon inserts are the second-most read section of the paper, after the front page.

23. Few people know it but, you can buy single-disease insurance.

24. Only 6% of people in America regularly buy clothes tailor made just for them.

25. Here's one that's really important: 63% of us decide NOT to buy a product advertised on the Internet... because... we think the shipping and handling charges add too much to the order.

26. Eight times as many Americans would rather use an ATM than deal with a real live teller.

27. This one's going to blow your mind: 83% of Americans still pay with checks instead of credit cards!

28. Almost 30% of us say we would need 3 million smackaroos to feel rich. This ties in with the fact most of us would do anything for as little as $3 million... but... not nearly as many of us would do those identical things for a measly $2 million. (Hey, here's your chance to take advantage of that situation. If you only want to pay $2 million to have something done, ask me if I'll do it. The chances are, believe it or not, I WILL DO IT.)

29. Here's another fact which is really, really important: 80% of Americans say giving personal information (especially their credit card information) over the Internet scares the living shit out of them.

30. Two-thirds of Americans say they wouldn't let their spouse spend the night and have sex with another person for a million dollars. Many of these people are liars. There's a big difference being asked if they would do it for a million dollars... as opposed to... handing them a paper sack containing the million fungolas and simply saying, "Here, you can have this if you'll let me sleep with your sweetie tonight."

31. The average wedding in America costs a staggering $20,000.00.

32. More than one-third of American women consider money more important than good sex to the success of a marriage.

33. According to Employee Benefits Research Institute 96% of all people who have jobs right now won't be eligible for their full Social Security benefits when they reach age 65.

34. When it comes to houses, more than anything else, people want a state-of-the-art kitchen.

35. When people shop for a car, what they want more than anything else is reliability for the best possible price.

36. One of the best ways to raise money for a charity is to have a free dinner for a lot of people and have an empty envelope tucked under their plate... for the express purpose... of making whatever size donation they want.

37. People tip more on sunny days than they do on dreary days.

38. More than 80,000,000 people call the I.R.S. Information Hotline phone number every year. One-third of those calls go unanswered. And, according to the Treasury Department itself, 47% of the answers the 'get-through' callers receive are incorrect.

39. Almost two out of three people have modified their financial behavior because of their fears.

40. Almost three times as many people who live in the South worry about losing their jobs as compared to people who live in the Midwest.

41. Which would you rather do: Shop till you drop... or... have great sex?

For men, this is a no-brainer.

However, more women would actually rather have an unlimited shopping spree than spend a weekend with a fabulous lover. In fact, the #1 favorite fantasy of women is to have a blank check to shop at their favorite store.

The favorite fantasy of men (at least in my opinion) is what we would like to DO to the sales girl... rather than... what we would like to buy from her.


----------



## William

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.	

---Groucho Marx


----------



## sugar and spice

Little Johnny was playing with his toy trains in the living room, his mom who was in the kitchen was alarmed when she heard him say: "All you ass holes getting off the train please drop your luggage at the station and all you ass holes getting on place your luggage under your seat"

Upset she goes into the living room and says:"Johnny we do not speak like that. You go to your room for two hours." Johnny obeys and goes off to his room sulking.

After two hours Johnny comes out of his room and finds his Mom in the kitchen and says
"Mom can I please play with my trains again?"

His Mother thinking Johnny has learned his lesson says "yes go ahead."

So Johnny goes back to his trains and begins to play again. His Mom who is standing nearby listening is very pleased to hear him say" Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, for all of you just boarding the train please stow your luggage under your seat"

As his mother is turning to walk away she hears him say"And for those of you pissed off about the two hour delay, You can blame the Bitch in the kitchen."


----------



## DUBLINDA

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, 

Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. 

"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well f==k me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?!!"


----------



## DUBLINDA

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... 

P... 

E... 

N... 

I... 

S... 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: 

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH


----------



## Ernest Nagel

too bad it's not that funny?

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 

"He's a funeral director," she answered. 

"Interesting," the newsman thought. 

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. 

She answered,proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. 

The interviewer asked her, quite astonished why she had married four men with such diverse careers. 

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New 
Years Eve Party. We 
turned on a night light, turned the answering 
machine on, covered our 
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. 

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi 
The taxi arrived 
and we opened the front door to leave the house. 

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into 
the house. We didn't 
want the cat shut in the house because she always 
tries to eat the 
bird. 

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to 
get the cat. The 
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting 
in the cab, my wife 
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will 
be empty for the 
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I 
will be out soon, 
"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my 
mother." 

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I 
took so long," I said, 
as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding 
under the bed. I had to 
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! 
She tried to take 
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to 
wrap her in a blanket 
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I 
hauled her fat ass 
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" 

The cab driver hit a parked car


----------



## Ernest Nagel

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at he dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

This morning on my commute to work, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN!! in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins, ruined the cell phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers...:doh:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

TEENAGE DAUGHTER OWNER'S MANUAL

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.


Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).


IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: 
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. 
Does she: 
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? 
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)? 
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? 
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.


BREAK-IN PERIOD 
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.


ACTIVATION 
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.


SHUTDOWN 
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenage daughter. There is no way to do this.


CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER 
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."


FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER 
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. 
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.


CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER 
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.


OTHER MAINTENANCE 
Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: 
"High," and "Ultra High." 
Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.


WARRANTY 
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

THE END OF AN ERROR

One sunny day in February 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." 

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." 

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away. 

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. 

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" 

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." 

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

HEAVEN OR HELL ?????


While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man. 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." 

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him. 

"Now it's time to visit heaven." 

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." 

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."


----------



## CAMellie

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" 

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. 

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." 

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me." 

So the Pope slapped her.


----------



## DUBLINDA

CAMellie said:


> The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
> 
> 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
> 
> He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
> 
> The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
> 
> The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
> 
> So the Pope slapped her.




So not funny huni, Im disappointed in you!!! I bow before Her Royal Highness Clinton:bow: and so should you, My biggest regret right now is that I do not live in the States so therefore cannot vote for her.


----------



## CAMellie

DUBLINDA said:


> So not funny huni, Im disappointed in you!!! I bow before Her Royal Highness Clinton:bow: and so should you, My biggest regret right now is that I do not live in the States so therefore cannot vote for her.




Hitlery is the evil overlord of Satan! OBAMA in '08! WHOOHOO!


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Eh hell....I don't think a slap would hurt her.....but I just might vote for her anyway  



But only if Obama doesn't finish first... 


*flails arms wildly like the good Dem she is*


----------



## DUBLINDA

CAMellie said:


> Hitlery is the evil overlord of Satan! OBAMA in '08! WHOOHOO!




Oh Babes, you are so challenging our friendship right now, Im not sure if we can survive this one!!!


----------



## CAMellie

DUBLINDA said:


> Oh Babes, you are so challenging our friendship right now, Im not sure if we can survive this one!!!



Ahem! This isn't the right thread for this conversation...and besides....OBAMA IN '08


----------



## PeacefulGem

Blackjack said:


> LOL MEN ARE HORN DOGS AND WOMEN HATE SEX LOL




Hmmm... I could swear it was the other way around...


----------



## moore2me

How about a joke to break the tension around here?

*Southern Fishin'​*
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Southern Arkansas as soon as the fisherman left a well-know fishing hole. The *game warden* checked the live well in the boat and it was full of fish from the days catch. 
*
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'*

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

* 'Pet fish?'*

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here boat and I take 'em home.'

* 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'*

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

* 'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'*

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

* After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'*

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

*The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'*

'Call who back?'

* 'The FISH', replied the warden!*

'What fish?', replied the redneck.



(Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.)


----------



## Jon Blaze

I couldn't find the bad joke thread.

What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Wah-TAHHHHHHHH!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said, " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"


----------



## DUBLINDA

'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS 
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for 
you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... '

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a 
closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' 

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. 
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

1. There are two sides to every Divorce; Yours and
Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in College was
my Blood Alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK,
everyone knows me here.


5. I don't do drugs because I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign in a Chinese Pet Store; Buy one Dog, get
one Flea.

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes
misery easier to live with!

8. I got a Sweater for Christmas. I really wanted
a Screamer or a Moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
Airport the Terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen
too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet
it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you Lemons, make Lemonade. If
life deals you Tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.


13. I love being married. It's so great to find
that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.

14. Shopping Tip; You can get Shoes for a buck at
Bowling Alleys.

15. I am a Nobody; Nobody is Perfect, and
therefore I am Perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because
I told a friend my plan to attain World Peace, and
he told me I have Schiffer Brains.

18. No one ever says; It's only a Game! When their
team is Winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on
Beer, Cigarettes and Lottery Tickets, are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of
the Bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes Passion... Suddenly you're in
bed with a Relative.

23. Why is it that most Nudists are people you
don't want to see Naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words; Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Six retired Irishmen are playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, do not make a bad situation any worse. 

"Discreet? I am the most discreet Irishmen you will ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me," he quips. 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. 

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." 

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. 

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. 

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" 

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" 

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. 

This happens several weeks in a row. 

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" 

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


----------



## FreeThinker

A rabbi, a priest, and a witch-doctor walk into a bar, each carrying a monkey.

"What is this," asks the bartender suspciously, "some kind of a _joke?"_



***************
**************************
**************​*


A duck walks into a tavern, jumps up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

"No," says the bartender gruffly. "Get out."

The next day, the same duck walks into the tavern, jumps up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

"I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes. Now beat it!"

Undeterred, the next day, the same duck walks into the tavern, jumps up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

"Look," rumbles the bartender, "we don't have any grapes. If you come back here again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the bar. Now, GET LOST!"

The next day, the same duck walks into the tavern, jumps up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender stammers, "Uh, no...No, I don't have any nails."

"Got any grapes?"



***************
**************************
**************​*


A termite walks into a tavern and asks "Where's the bar tender?"



.


----------



## love dubh

How is a feminist library and a public library different? (Mouse beneath for answer.)
No humor section.


----------



## FreeThinker

.

How many procrastinators does it take to change a lightbulb?



.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Three old Italian men are in the lounge at the local Senior Center. Two are playing checkers - the third is reading the paper.

The first man playing checkers said, "Before I die, I want to make love to Sophia Loren."

The second man playing checkers said, "Before I die, I want to make love to Gina Lolabrigita."

The man reading the paper said, "Well, before I die, I want to make love to Virginia Pippolini!"

The two men playing checkers loked at each other. "Virginia Pippolini? Who the hell is she?"

The man reading the paper said "I don't know who she is, but she must be good. Look at this headline." And he handed them the paper.

And the headline read, "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"
:bow:


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

DUBLINDA said:


> GO IN PEACE.
> YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
> SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


That reminds me of the joke where a young seminarian goes to New York City. He's led a sheltered life in a small midwestern town all his life and is literally shell-shocked by what he sees.

Walking through Times Square, a prostitute comes up to him, showing a wide expanse of thigh and cleavage, puts her arm around his neck and breathes lustily "I'll give you a blowjob for $20". He backpedals, aghast and runs down the street.

About 10 minutes later, another prostitute, this time wearing even less clothing pulls the same trick, telling him "Blowjob for $20, baby."

He finally gets to the rectory an hour later, visibly upset. Sister Catherine is sitting in the lobby and notices his distress.

"My son, whatever is the matter, you look complete flustered!"

"Oh sister," the man says, "I've had a horrible day. So much oddity here."

"What do you mean?" Sister Catherine says.

"Well," stammers the man, "what exactly is a 'blowjob'?"

The Sister gives him a matter-of-fact look and says "$20, just like everywhere else."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> "Well," stammers the man, "what exactly is a 'blowjob'?"
> 
> The Sister gives him a matter-of-fact look and says "$20, just like everywhere else."



I first heard that joke when I was in grad school (c.1960). It was just $5.00 then.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Ho Ho Tai said:


> I first heard that joke when I was in grad school (c.1960). It was just $5.00 then.



So THAT'S why they call it "inflation" then?  :doh:


----------



## Maxx Awesome

My friends think I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want to.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obviously agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?




















He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."



Ernest, I would suspect that there more golf jokes than any other category, except, perhaps, sex jokes. You have managed to pull off an eagle.

But it does remind me of another old-timer.

Two old golfing buddies are playing yet another round. One of them is just teeing up when he notices a funeral procession passing by. He puts down his club and takes off his hat, placing it over his heart.

His buddy says, "Gee, Frank, I didn't know you were so devout"

"Well, she was a good wife to me all these years. Hate to see her go.", Frank replied, as he re-addressed the tee.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Well, HHT, if you liked the broken thumb one you might enjoy this, too? 

THE LAWS OF GOLF

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have
inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law
does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the
former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this
cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most
unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should
be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke
the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he
deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies
to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
(Funny how this law applies to women.)

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit
into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar
combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law,
does not come close.)

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law
three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of a wesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss
an easy one, asshole."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be
the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until
the sunset.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

THE MOMMY TEST
-----------------
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. 



I asked her not to do that. 



"Why? "



Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs.



At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" 



Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." 



We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 



'About 32,' is the reply. 



'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. 



A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 



The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' 



The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' 



Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 



The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' 



Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' 



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. 



He replies, 'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' 


They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' 



He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. 



After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' 



He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' 



Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' 



The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 



'I promise I won't,' she says. 



'I was in the line behind you in McDonalds.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Oh, I soooooo tried to rep you for this last one, Ernest.......


----------



## Ernest Nagel

What do you call a lesbian from outer space?









_Alien _Degeneres :doh: 

Courtesy Craig Ferguson


----------



## moore2me

Ho Ho Tai said:


> I first heard that joke when I was in grad school (c.1960). *It was just $5.00 then.*



Ho Ho Tai, Was that in Confederate money?

_________________________________________________________________

Instead of a joke, here's some funny "remakes" of sons titles from our past, taylored to our generation as we become senior citizens.

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Our hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. 

They include: 

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .. 

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. 

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip? 

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. 

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. 

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now. 

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver 

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. 

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. 

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. 

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping. 

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. 

Abba--- Denture Queen. 

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. 

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. 

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. 


And my favorite: 



Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

moore2me said:


> Ho Ho Tai, Was that in Confederate money?
> 
> _________________________________________________________________
> 
> Instead of a joke, here's some funny "remakes" of sons titles from our past, taylored to our generation as we become senior citizens.
> 
> 
> Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again



moore2me - Darn right it was! Good ol' Civil War shinplasters - worthless then, but still worth more than today's buck!

Oh, by the way . . . I hate you! For coming up with those song titles before I did. I left the Willie Nelson one in because I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy, and you know what that means (or, if you don't, you will!)

And you used the wrong spelling - should be 'tailored' in this context.

Here's one more song title for you. It needs no modification - those of a certain age will recognize the truth and universal applicability of this one. There really is such a song, by the way. 

"It Takes Time . . ."

(It takes time
To make the coffee percolate
It takes time
To get your gal to set the date
From the first moonlight walk
'Til you get the baby talk
Remember, little man, it takes time)


----------



## Jazz Man

A minister, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar with a blonde and a guy with a duck. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"



A couple from Arkansas does not know about birth control. After their tenth child is born, they decide it's time to stop and consult a doctor to see how they can stop popping out more kids. The doctor says "There's a procedure called a vasectomy. It's real simple. You just light up a cherry bomb, toss it in a trash can, and count to three. That's all." The couple is skeptical and decides to travel to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor is about to explain the real process for a vasectomy but then sees that they are from Arkansas. He says "Oh, all you have to do is light up a cherry bomp, toss it in a trash can, and count to ten." This is good enough for them so they go home and give the doctor's advice a try. The man lights up a cherry bomb, tosses in a trash can, and begins to count with his fingers on one hand while holding the can in the other hand. "One, two, three, four, five..." At this point, he runs out of fingers so in order to use the other hand, he puts the can in between his legs. "Six, seven, eight..."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> A woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' . . . .
> 
> 
> He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
> 
> Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
> 
> The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
> 
> 'I promise I won't,' she says.
> 
> 'I was in the line behind you in McDonalds.



Ernest - It's late, Mrs Ho Ho was already in the sack, and I was just about to join her when I came across this joke (relayed to my e-mail.) I let out a snort. Mrs Ho Ho heard it, jumped out of bed, and came to see what was up. She read it, got to the punch line, and had a rather incredible reaction.

Y'see, she just turned 50 herself, looks 30, and has yet to use make-up, hair dye, or any other cosmetic enhancement - and doesn't need to.

Goes to show - the best cosmetics are love and laughter, intertwined (now, where have I seen that before?)


----------



## Ernest Nagel

How about a nightcap, Robert?


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. 



After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. 



After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. 



Silence fell on the congregation. 



In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." 



The entire congregation said, "Amen."


----------



## moore2me

Ho Ho Tai said:


> moore2me - Darn right it was! Good ol' Civil War shinplasters - worthless then, but still worth more than today's buck!
> 
> Oh, by the way . . . I hate you! For coming up with those song titles before I did. I left the Willie Nelson one in because I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy, and you know what that means (or, if you don't, you will!)
> 
> *Been there, done that. I am on the ten year repeat list. Hubby is on the three year repeat list. Good luck with your's. *
> 
> And you used the wrong spelling - should be 'tailored' in this context.
> 
> *Thanks for the correction. (I should have caught this.)
> 
> Now here's one for you.
> 
> Intertwined is not hypenated.
> (See http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=41611&dict=CALD)
> 
> Example: The trees' branches intertwined to form a dark roof over the path.*
> 
> Here's one more song title for you. It needs no modification - those of a certain age will recognize the truth and universal applicability of this one. There really is such a song, by the way.
> 
> "It Takes Time . . ."
> 
> (It takes time
> To make the coffee percolate
> It takes time
> To get your gal to set the date
> From the first moonlight walk
> 'Til you get the baby talk
> Remember, little man, it takes time)



********************************************************


----------



## Ernest Nagel

FOR MY SCOTTISH FRIENDS AND "OTHERS" WHO ARE EQUALLY THRIFTY.

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.

'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

On 'intertwined'. I know, but, with my weird vision, it looked too much like 'inert-something'. 'inert-wined'? Drunk as a skunk and passed out on the sofa? I like it better with the hyphen - 'inter-twined'. By the way, the meaning of that phrase (explained in my intro thread) is that the laughter in a good relationship is not raucous, derisive or demeaning. It is the laughter which goes along with love - laughter at each other's foibles, laughter at how the two of you behave together, laughter at the sheer joy of loving, love promoting laughter; laughter promoting love.

In other words, "love and laughter, inter-twined"

Hardly a day passes when Mrs Ho Ho doesn't look at me, after some fragment of conversation, and ask "Just which of us is the sillier, anyway?" She knows that I will answer, "It must be you. You knew I was silly and you married me anyway."


----------



## TraciJo67

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' 

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: 

I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. 

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' 

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' 

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> FOR MY SCOTTISH FRIENDS AND "OTHERS" WHO ARE EQUALLY THRIFTY.
> 
> A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
> 
> The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
> 
> The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.
> 
> 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.
> 
> 'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.
> 
> 'How much for a new one?'
> 
> 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.
> 
> The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
> 
> A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
> 
> The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'



OK, so the regiment was happy. But - how did the girl feel about it?

Reminds me of another one (of course.)

During the cold war era, as much effort was put into psychological warfare as into armaments. Despite the antagonism, there was still trade between the US and the USSR.

One day, a pharmaceuticals manufacturer received an order from the Army of the USSR. They were experiencing shortages of certain materials and needed help to supply their troops. They ordered a hundred gross of rubber condoms, with specifications of 12" length, and 3" diameter.

The manufacturer wasn't sure what to do about this and decided to consult with the Pentagon. The Pentagon said to go ahead with the order, with a certain addition.

So the manufacturer sent the shipment of 100 gross, 12" x 3" condoms - all labeled "medium".


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Ho Ho Tai said:


> OK, so the regiment was happy. But - how did the girl feel about it?



Well, since they're technically practically British why assume there's a woman involved to begin with? (Wow! How many groups did I just potentially cheese off with that one remark? Could be the assholery equivalent of a Double Eagle! )


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> Well, since they're technically practically British why assume there's a woman involved to begin with? (Wow! How many groups did I just potentially cheese off with that one remark? Could be the assholery equivalent of a Double Eagle! )



Well Ernest, if you are going to post jokes like that, you just have to remember the Brown Corollary of the Golden Rule:

*"Do-do unto others as they do-do unto you."​*


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

TraciJo67 said:


> A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
> 
> Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
> 
> I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
> 
> Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
> 
> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
> 
> Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
> 
> The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
> 
> The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
> 
> The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'





OMG- what a time for it not to let me rep you :doh:


----------



## swamptoad

3 polar bears are sitting on an iceberg. All were cold and quiet.
Finally, the father bear said, "Now I've a tale to tell." 

"I, too, have a tale to tell." -- said the mother bear.

"The little polar bear looked up at his parents and said, "My tale 
is told!"

:doh:


----------



## JoyJoy

View attachment 42711


enough ltters


----------



## swamptoad

JoyJoy said:


> View attachment 42711
> 
> 
> enough ltters



*doh* :doh:

______________________________________________________


Boy: I want to be honest. You're not the first girl I've kissed.

Girl: I want to be honest. You've got a lot to learn.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Not all keepers but...



Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? 



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? 





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~* 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?' 




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? 


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 
'THEIRS'?


----------



## swamptoad

Policeman: Name, please.
Motorist: Wilhem Von Corquerinski Popalavawitz


----------



## swamptoad

Customer: I am sorry, waiter, but i only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip.

Waiter: Let me add up that bill again, sir.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Teacher: If I only have 10 flies on my back, and I hit one with my book, how many would be left?

Student: The dead one

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Give an example of period funiture."

"Well, I should say an electric chair because it ends a sentence."


----------



## Rowan

Did you hear about the little person psychic who escaped from prison?

small medium at large


----------



## Dr. Feelgood

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Labor Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.


----------



## swamptoad

Did you hear about the inventor that came up with a knife that wouldslice 2 loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a bakery. He then divulged a knife that could slice 3 loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that idea, too! Finally, the ultimate. He made a huge knife that could cut 4 loaves of bread at the same time! And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.

:doh:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

An elderly gentleman . . 

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again.' 

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. 

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out 
to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the
restaurant?' 


The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know
. . The one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?' 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found 
one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a 
suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the 
hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let
me wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that 
they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember 


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will
you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 

'Sure.' 


'Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?' she asks. 

'No, I can remember it.' 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you
should write it down, so's not to forget it?' 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries.' 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?' she asks. 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!' 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a 
plate
of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 

'Where's my toast?' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 

'So I hear you're getting married?' 

'Yep!' 

'Do I know her?' 

'Nope!' 

'This woman, is she good looking?' 

'Not really.' 

'Is she a good cook?' 

'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 

'Does she have lots of money?' 

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 

'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 

'I don't know.' 

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 

'Because she can still drive!' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three old gals are out walking. 

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was telling her neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
art. It's perfect.' 

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 

'Twelve thirty.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later,
the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't
you?' 


Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur; be careful.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more . . .! 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After
catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## ThikJerseyChik

An oldie but it still makes me laugh:

A young couple get married and go on their honeymoon. 

The next morning the groom says gently to his Bride "Honey, if I really knew you were a virgin I'd have taken my time..." 

She whispers in his ear "Dear, if I knew you were going to take your time I would have removed my pantyhose!"


----------



## swamptoad

Once there was an Indian named Shortcake.
When he died, squaw bury Shortcake.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after th e problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken2007©, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .....reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. 

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me, the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods; 
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, 
because I don't know how to crochet.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




Virginity like bubble,

one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car

get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car

get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket

feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano,

wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through

airport turnstile sideways

going to Bangkok

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass

should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes

get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:

Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth!

But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right,

war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse

soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day

get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib,

but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell,

bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet

is high on pot.

*~*~*~* ~ *~*~* ~ *~*~*

Man who live in glass house should

change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well,

often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church

sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

​


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:
> 
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Man who fart in church
> 
> sit in own pew.
> 
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> 
> ​



When I was in junior high (mid to late '40s) these were the rage (called then "Confucius say" jokes.) I thought I had grown out of them, but still remember a few not listed here.

Confucius say "Man who pee in cash register finds it runs into money."

The others are, I'm afraid, too risque for this genteel board.

I came up with something the other day which I thought was original. Google proved me wrong, but it is still pertinent here.

"Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind every good woman is a good behind."


----------



## swamptoad

Jack Handy quote ----


"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."


----------



## RobitusinZ

Guy walks into a hotel lobby carrying a bunch of luggage. He's about to turn towards the reception desk when he slams his elbow into a woman. 
The guy blushes red and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'd forgive the offense."
The lady says, "Son, if your dick's as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 212."


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

RobitusinZ said:


> Guy walks into a hotel lobby carrying a bunch of luggage. He's about to turn towards the reception desk when he slams his elbow into a woman.
> The guy blushes red and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'd forgive the offense."
> The lady says, "Son, if your dick's as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 212."


That has Dorothy Parker written all over it.


----------



## RobitusinZ

Who's Dorothy Parker?


----------



## JiminOR

2 bananas are lying on a riverbank. A turd comes floating down the river, and shouts to the bananas "Come on in, the waters fine"

One banana turns to the other banana and says "you believe that shit"?


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

JiminOR said:


> 2 bananas are lying on a riverbank. A turd comes floating down the river, and shouts to the bananas "Come on in, the waters fine"
> 
> One banana turns to the other banana and says "you believe that shit"?




Oh my gawd...that's too funny


----------



## Ernest Nagel

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. 
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far . .


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.' 

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: 






Dave.......Dave............. You're a veterinarian, you sick b*stard!!!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

FAIR WARNING - POLITICALLY INCORRECT HUMOR

Two Wahhabi Shi'a Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'



'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.



He's a martyr now though' mum confides.



'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21'



'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.



'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.


After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....'They blow up so fast, don't they?'


----------



## JiminOR

Billy Joe Bob was riding across the Alaskan tundra on his snowmobile when he was beset by hunger. He stops, pulls a sandwich out of his pack, and resumes his journey while feasting upon the sandwich. All of a sudden he hits a huge rock, and the snowmobile starts spraying oil everywhere. Well, he's pretty close to town, so he drags the snowmobile home. His next door neighbor sees him dragging the snowmobile down the street, and asks him "What happened? Did you blow a seal"?

Billy Joe Bob wipes his hand across his upper lip, looks at it, and says "No, that's just mayo, I was eating a sandwich"

ba dum bum


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Signs To Make You Smile!


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to he right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises


----------



## JiminOR

So one day Tarzan was swinging through the jungle, when he heard a baby lion screaming in the river. So he jumps in the river and throws the cub ashore, but he can't fight the current, and he goes over the falls. His body is mangled, and he's near death. 

His animal friends fix Tarzan up, better than ever. They give him the eye of an eagles eye, a gorillas arm, and the leg of a cheetah, and an elephants trunk.

Tarzan recovers swiftly, and one day Jane asks him how he likes his new body. "Eye, Tarzan see far. Arm, Tarzan strong. Leg, Tarzan quick. Tarzan not crazy about new weinie though. All day long, pick weed, stuff up Tarzan's ass"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative 
fellow,and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into
earrings.' 
Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he
replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck'


----------



## CleverBomb

Ernest Nagel said:


> Signs To Make You Smile!
> 
> **************************
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
> Drive carefully! We'll wait...
> **************************



This is actually a sign I've seen on the back of Batesville Casket Company's trucks. They may use it elsewhere also.

"Drive Carefully,
We can wait."

-Rusty


----------



## chunkeymonkey

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink,the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice,black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!

'The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When myfiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tightleather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'


----------



## JiminOR

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Cause if they had 4 you'd have to call them a chicken sedan. 

wakka wakka wakka


----------



## CAMellie

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' 

The man says, 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy: 'I have a baseball.' 

Man: 'That's nice' 

Boy: 'Want to buy it?' 

Man: 'No, thanks.' 

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' 

Man: 'OK, how much?' 

Boy: '$250' 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. 

Boy: 'Dark in here.' 

Man: 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' 

The lover, remembering the last time , asks the boy, 'How much?' 

Boy: '$750' 

Man: 'Sold.' 

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' 

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' 

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' 

Boy: '$1,000' 

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. 

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' 

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.'


----------



## CAMellie

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. 

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. 

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. 

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

CAMellie said:


> A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
> 
> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
> 
> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'. . . .
> 
> The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.'



That one, I've got to pass along. And, of course, it reminds me of another, heard nearly 50 years ago.

A man - say, in his 30s - is feeling a bit of malaise and goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him thoroughly and can find nothing wrong. Sensing depression, and knowing that sex and mood go hand in hand, he asks the man how often he has sex.

"Oh, two - three times a month", says the man.

Doctor: "Well, you seem healthy enough. Is that all you can manage?"

Man: "Oh, I don't know. I figure that's pretty good for a priest in a small town."


----------



## ataraxia

CAMellie said:


> The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
> 
> The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.'



Odd to see this one here. I first saw it in German, on a Linux geek board. Everything was basically the same, except the last line (from the priest) was "'Dark in here'!!! That's all I ever hear... 'DARK IN HERE'!!!!!" I thought that one was funnier.


----------



## wrestlingguy

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. 

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?' 'No, what?' 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...
whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and> has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey star ts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

'Did you see what your monkey did now?' 'No, what?' replied the man. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender. 

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'Ever since he shit that cue ball, he measures everything first!'


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Three married couples show up at the Pearly Gates at the same time, seeking admittance. St. Peter checks his book, and he's not happy.

He said to the first husband, "You have spent your entire life obsessed with money. You even married a woman named Penny. You have to go to the other place."

Turning to the second couple, he says "And YOU have spent your entire life obsessed with food and gluttony. You even married a woman named Candy. You have to go to the other place, too."

At this point, the third husband turns to his wife and says "We might as well get out of here, Fanny."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one 
day. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?' 

Al replies, 'I don't know; let's ask our waiter.' 

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?' 

The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.' He returns from the kitchen after 
a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.' 

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?' 

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, senor,' 
and goes back into the kitchen. 

While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in 
Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.' 

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom, he say there is no Mexican Jews.' 


'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!' 

'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, 
Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'


----------



## ThikJerseyChik

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when 
he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing 
called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top 
of the other?' 

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him 
the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'. 

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play 
with the other kids. 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, 
it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. 
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!'


----------



## Buttons

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse apprears to give him a partial sponge bath. 

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry over his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen to me very, very closely...A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Buttons said:


> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse apprears to give him a partial sponge bath.
> 
> "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" . . . .
> 
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen to me very, very closely...A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"



Reminds me of one that circulated in Duluth, MN (big hockey town) around 1950.

A rough, tough Canadian hockey player got banged up a bit on the ice and wound up in a Duluth hospital. The nurse assigned to give him his bath (a rather scrawny type) came back to the break room, all a'twitter.

"That hockey player has 'Swan' tattooed on his wee-wee!"

Speculation was rampant. The next day, another nurse (a lovely BBW) decided to investigate further, so she took over the bathing duties.

Afterward, she came back to the break room with a big smile on her face. "That wasn't 'Swan' tattooed on his wee wee - that was 'Saskatoon Saskatchewan'!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. 

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?' 

The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' 

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?' 

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.' 

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, great chardonnays, the finest champagnes and cognacs, cocktails, wine coolers. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!' 

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.' 

'You a smoker?' the demon asked. 

'You better believe it!' 

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?' 

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!' 

The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.' 

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.' 

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?' 

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .' 

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!' 

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!' 

The demon said, 'You gay?' 

'No.' 

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!


----------



## Ruffie

Ho Ho Tai said:


> Reminds me of one that circulated in Duluth, MN (big hockey town) around 1950.
> 
> A rough, tough Canadian hockey player got banged up a bit on the ice and wound up in a Duluth hospital. The nurse assigned to give him his bath (a rather scrawny type) came back to the break room, all a'twitter.
> 
> "That hockey player has 'Swan' tattooed on his wee-wee!"
> 
> Speculation was rampant. The next day, another nurse (a lovely BBW) decided to investigate further, so she took over the bathing duties.
> 
> Afterward, she came back to the break room with a big smile on her face. "That wasn't 'Swan' tattooed on his wee wee - that was 'Saskatoon Saskatchewan'!



Loved it! Being that is my home province! LOL
Ruth


----------



## ThikJerseyChik

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an
itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the
crabs.'

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs
because she was an eighty year old virgin.


She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs'


'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'



Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.


She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my
crotch. 

Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty
year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'


The doctor said,

'Get on the table and let's have a lo ok.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed,




'Ma'am, your right, you DO NOT have the crabs.'

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*
*
*

you ready for this??

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

* 'This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'  :doh:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A new Publix supermarket opened. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying .

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


----------



## JiminOR

Why don't blind people parachute?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Um, Jim? Thanks for making even me feel _relatively _tasteful and discreet. Quite an accomplishment.


----------



## JiminOR

You're probably right, I'll swap in another joke


----------



## ataraxia

JiminOR said:


> Why don't blind people parachute?
> 
> Because it scares the shit out of the dog.



Unless you're this guy, one of my best friends, who is blind, and skydives and climbs mountains for fun. (Also more home improvement than any sane person should subject themselves to.) He doesn't have a dog, though, so i guess it's ok. 

Now back to your regularly scheduled jokes.


----------



## JiminOR

Yes, because in the real world, which is not the imaginary joke world, blind people don't skydive because it scares their dogs. Thanks for clearing that up.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

JiminOR said:


> Why don't blind people parachute?
> 
> Because it scares the shit out of the dog.


I thought it was a pretty good joke, myself. I grew up in Morristown, NJ - home of The Seeing Eye. They train the dogs and students on the streets of town, and many of the families in the area serve as "foster families" for the dogs when they're puppies.

Walt Disney did a program about Morristown and The Seeing Eye back in the '60s for "The Wonderful World of Color". It was called "Atta Girl, Kelly", and was filmed in and around Morristown. They still show it from time to time on The Disney Channel. 

Here's a picture of a Seeing Eye Dog, a student, and their trainer at the Morristown train staion:


----------



## bexy

You know the way the big boobed babes work at Hooters? The one legged babes work at IHOP!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

bexylicious said:


> You know the way the big boobed babes work at Hooters? The one legged babes work at IHOP!



When you think about it a one-legged waitress at Hooters would probably get a LOT of tips.


----------



## moore2me

(From Jeff Foxworthy)

I went to the Doctor for some tests, he called me on the phone and and said,

"I have some bad news and some horrible news".

I told him, "Well, give me the bad news first."

He said, "You only have 24 hours to live." 


I said, "Well, my God! Doc, What's the horrible news?"  





He said, "I was supposed to call you yesterday."


----------



## snuffy2000

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's house?

Neither has he. 

Short, simple, and directly to the point.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

ITALIAN BOY'S 
CONFESSION 

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I 
have been with a 
loose girl'. 

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey 
Pagano?' 

'Yes, Father, it is!' 

'And who 
was the girl you were with?' 

'I can't tell you, 
Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' 

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or 
later 
so you may as well tell me now Was it Tina 
Minetti?' 

'I cannot say.' 

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 

'I'll 
never tell.' 
'Was it Nina 
Capelli?' 

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name 
her.' 

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 

'My lips are sealed.' 

'Was it Rosa 
DiAngelo, then?' 

'Please, Father, I cannot tell 
you.' 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're 
very tight lipped, 
and 
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You 
cannot be an altar boy for 4 
months. Now you go and behave yourself.' 

Joey 
walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 

'Four months vacation and five good 
leads.'



******************************


Quote for the day: 
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' 

So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle


----------



## FreeThinker

Two pigs are bathing in the tub when one of them says, "Can I have the soap, please?"

The other one says, "What do I look like...a _radio?"_


----------



## Ernest Nagel

*Baker's Assistant*

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. 

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst. :eat2: :doh:

I vacillate between believing puns are the lowest and the highest form of humor. Most of mine persuade me to the low side.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Art and Gayle. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Gayle felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Art was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Art managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Art's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a few months went by and Bob and Art began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. 


So they buried Gayle.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Art and Gayle.
> . . . . .
> So they buried Gayle.



Bad, bad Ernest! Put down the joke, back away slowly, and nobody gets hurt.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> *Baker's Assistant*
> 
> 
> I vacillate between believing puns are the lowest and the highest form of humor. Most of mine persuade me to the low side.



Clifton Fadiman (in "Any Number Can Play", chap. 16 "Small Excellencies: A Dissertation on Puns") lavishes high praise on puns which, at once, are spontaneous and capable of connecting, or revealing, hitherto unsuspected connections of concepts and ideas. He quotes the English historian Philip Guedalla as uttering "Any stigma will do to beat a dogma" (in refutation of a slanderous attack on the Catholic (or other) church. Fadiman concludes by stating "I consider this double pun, by reason of the perfection of it's form and the witty truth of it's content, one of the greatest ever made."

Of course, that was decades before I had the occasion to utter "A man's intellectual reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a metaphor?" (Based, of course on Robert Browning's Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?) I'm sure that Mr. Fadiman would have slapped his knee in delight at such scintillation.

But I go on. I consider the metaphor itself to be the highest form of punning - at it's base, a simple verbal trick to connect disparate ideas and, perhaps, get a laugh. On a higher plane, much of science and mathematics proceeds in exactly this way. Similarities in the construction of otherwise unrelated (apparently, anyway) mathematical equations may lead to great insights. Similarly, in science, concepts commonplace in one field may result in fresh insight in an otherwise unrelated field when the concept migrates across boundaries.

Sometimes, science and mathematics do progress by plodding extrapolation from one equation or concept to the next. But, often as not, a brilliant metaphor propels the scientist out into the unknown and the logic and equations are then used to bridge back to the known.

But Mrs Ho Ho calls. I must put both this post and me to bed.


----------



## JiminOR

Ernest Nagel said:


> A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Art and Gayle. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Gayle felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Art was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
> 
> It was tragic, but Bob and Art managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Art's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a few months went by and Bob and Art began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
> 
> 
> So they buried Gayle.


 
Yeah, but a couple months later they were feeling horrible about what they were doing, so they dug her back up.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

FreeThinker said:


> Two pigs are bathing in the tub when one of them says, "Can I have the soap, please?"
> 
> The other one says, "What do I look like...a _radio?"_



I have tried......really hard..........



Ernest Nagel said:


> *Baker's Assistant*
> 
> Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.
> 
> Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst. :eat2: :doh:
> 
> I vacillate between believing puns are the lowest and the highest form of humor. Most of mine persuade me to the low side.



Puns are usually only good when Rusty (Cleverbomb) makes them 



Ernest Nagel said:


> A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Art and Gayle. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex all the time, Gayle felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Art was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
> 
> It was tragic, but Bob and Art managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Art's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a few months went by and Bob and Art began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
> 
> 
> So they buried Gayle.



You are a bad, bad boy Ernest....I like that about you


----------



## ataraxia

FreeThinker said:


> Two pigs are bathing in the tub when one of them says, "Can I have the soap, please?"
> 
> The other one says, "What do I look like...a _radio?"_



This feels like a Santaclear joke to me.


----------



## CleverBomb

A ship loaded with red paint collided with a ship loaded with blue paint.

The crew was marooned.

-Rusty


----------



## Ernest Nagel

I remember my Grandfather swearing this was Moses' favorite joke so yeah, it's pretty old I guess. Still makes me grin though. :happy:

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. 

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words." 

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. 

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

you've been hit by the

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|...WINE TRUCK..........| ||'|';, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
'(@)'(@)'' ''''**|(@)(@)*****''(@)


WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE ALCOHOL.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.



And Remember...
'A clean house is the sign of a wasted life!'


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

~~When I was hired to run the IT department of a major company my predecessor left three letters in the desk that was now mine. Each letter was clearly labeled; System Failure #1, System Failure #2, System Failure #3. A post-it note was attached to the bundle of letters.

In case of a substantial system failure open the letters in order, once per failure, and they will help you through the problem.

I put the letters back in the desk and forgot about them.

About one year later we had a cascading server failure that left our corporate intranet and several important production servers off-line. While repairing the problem I remembered the letters. Curious, I opened the first letter.

Blame me, your predecessor

The day after we got the servers back up I was called in to my bosss office to explain what happened and why were down for so long. Taking my queue from the letter I blamed my predecessor. My boss was satisfied with my answer and let me go.

About six months down the road we had another big failure. This time our primary database server went down and the secondary was having trouble dealing with the load. I had to put a lot of extra hours into getting them back up and we lost a few transactions due to the backup server not being able to function under the load.

Once again, I reached into that desk drawer and opened letter #2. 

Blame the equipment

This time I lamented to the boss about how it wasnt my fault. It was that backup server! If we had some good equipment to run on these things just would not happen. He was satisfied with my answer and I went back to work.

Things ran smoothly for the next 18 months. Then we got hit with a virus that somehow got past our firewall and wrecked havoc on our systems. 

I opened the third letter.


Write three letters


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" 
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" 
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ." 

And they say blondes are dumb... 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." 
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" 
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? 
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? 
A: A rumor 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. 
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. 

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. 
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... 
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! 
Gotta love that fairy! 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Dear Lord, 
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. 
AMEN 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - 
Q: Why do little boys whine? 
A: They are practicing to be men. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? 
A: Trustworthy. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? 
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 
----------------------------------------------------------- 
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" 
-----------------------------------------------------------


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

Last one, promise!

~~A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along he aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "I think he just found a bomb."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers. 

Why so many? asked the bartender. 

Cant you read the sign? replied the blonde, It says no one served under 18.


----------



## FreeThinker

FreeThinker said:


> Two pigs are bathing in the tub when one of them says, "Can I have the soap, please?"
> 
> The other one says, "What do I look like...a _radio?"_





Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I have tried......really hard..........



Don't worry...I don't get it either.



ataraxia said:


> This feels like a Santaclear joke to me.



Actually, it was reading Mr. Clear's posts that reminded me of this old joke.



...Could someone please explain it to me?


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Can't help thinking there might be some relationship coaching in here for some of us? 

*Jewish Lottery Wish*

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.

The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"

He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"

"Buy a ticket!"


----------



## ThikJerseyChik

Whats the difference between Deer Nuts and Beer Nuts?

Deer Nuts are under a buck!





How long is a China man?





Have you read any good books lately??

How about "Spot on the wall" by Hoo Flung Chit

"The Yellow River" by I.P. Daily

"The Lions Paw" by Claude Ballz

heh heh.....


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

When to start cussing....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old.'I think it's about time we
started cussing. The 4year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his
eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear
with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year
old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for
breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you
can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!'


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Why Parents Drink 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. 
May I talk with him?' 

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 

' ME '


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// 

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry! 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

' What the Hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky & West Virginia ,Mississippi, Florida))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
==================================== =================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay





Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they're healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.....



On a transatlantic flight,
A plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
When one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.



Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane
Who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman
In the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up
In the rear of the plane.
He is handsome: tall, well built,
With dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........
No one moves..................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps....................



He whispers................
'Iron this...then get me a beer.'


----------



## ThikJerseyChik

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!   :doh:


----------



## BrownEyedChica

_Not sure if this is a joke... but it is somewhat funny... _




When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out 
on someone you don't know. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten 
to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I 
politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn 
Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing 
number!'and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down 
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number 
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an 
asshole !' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the e word
'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. 

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad 
day, I'd call him up and yell,'You're an asshole !' It always cheered 
me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole 
calling would have to stop. 

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the 
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our 
Caller ID Program?' 

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back 
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had 
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting 
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his 
number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had 
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW 
asshole, too. 

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, 
it is..' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow 
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' 

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home 
every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. 

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?' 
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' 
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' 
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow 
rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start 
saying your prayers.' 

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really y scared,asshole, ' and hung up. 

Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' 
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.I'm coming over right 
now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived 
at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his 
way over to kill me. 

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree 
Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just 
in time to watch asshole #1 and asshole #2 beating the crap out of 
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.


----------



## BrownEyedChica

6 Truths of Life 

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

The main page of this work, lots of good ones. 

View attachment pillow_talk.jpg


----------



## Maxx Awesome

What's the best thing about sex with twenty nine year olds?




There's twenty of them.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

The fairy tale they should have read us when we were little girls...

Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog
As she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dopper young prince that I am.

And then my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother. Where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself...

I don't fucking think so.



***********************************




It is good to be a woman: 


1. We got off the Titanic first. 
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 
3. Taxis stop for us. 
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo. 
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 
7.. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 
13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 
15. We can make comments about how silly me n are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.



I did. I looked like an idiot before I married her, and I probably still do. But 20 years of




and



and who's an idiot now?

By the way, that's not a typo. We are 20 years apart in age and we have been together for nearly 20 years as well. You might say that we both married someone 20 years younger (than we are now, at least.)


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Ho Ho Tai said:


> I did. I looked like an idiot before I married her, and I probably still do. But 20 years of
> 
> 
> 
> and
> 
> 
> 
> and who's an idiot now?
> 
> By the way, that's not a typo. We are 20 years apart in age and we have been together for nearly 20 years as well. You might say that we both married someone 20 years younger (than we are now, at least.)



Heck, Mr Ho Ho- I date men around 10-20 years younger than myself- I ain't judging nobody  :bow:


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Heck, Mr Ho Ho- I date men around 10-20 years younger than myself- I ain't judging nobody  :bow:



Do me a favor, Green Eyes? Don't tell that to Mrs Ho Ho! She would probably



me right outta here! (Well, not really. Not unless she could find a 30 y.o. who is a good lover, mouser and bug catcher.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

I like 'em handy and employed myself, Mr Ho Ho


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I like 'em handy and employed myself, Mr Ho Ho



You and Alberta Hunter? (Mrs Ho Ho too!)


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Hehehehehehehe thanks for that link, Mr Ho Ho  :bow:


----------



## BrownEyedChica

Why men should never take messages... 

View attachment mennomessages.jpg


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. 
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure
maybe she choked.' :doh:

NEVER ASSUME MEN UNDERSTAND!


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Copped this from today's paper. Neat article, by the way.

What did the snail on the turtle's back say? 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*WHEEEEEEE!*​


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull, gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cow boy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.' 

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached


----------



## frankman

Three roofers, Bob, Bill and Paul are working, and Paul falls and dies. Bob and Bill draw straws to see who has to tell Paul's wife of the accident. Bob draws the short straw, so he gets up and goes.
15 Minutes later, he comes back with a keg of beer. Bill is amazed.

"You go and tell a woman her husband's dead, and you come back with beer?"
"Yup", said Bob.
"You did tell her he DIED, right?"
"Yup", said Bob.
"Well, how?" said a confused Bill
"I came up to their house, ring the doorbell and when she opens the door I ask: are you Paul's widow? She's all like: I'm Paul's wife, but I'm no widow, so I say: I'll bet you a keg..."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Well not so much a joke but it made me smile out loud:

If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like... 

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. 

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 

- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. 

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory. 

- Take naps and stretch before rising. 

- Run, romp, and play daily. 

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. 

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. 

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. 

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. 

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. 

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. 

- Be loyal. 

- Never pretend to be something you're not. 

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> Well not so much a joke but it made me smile out loud:
> 
> If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like...
> - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
> - Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
> - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
> - When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
> - Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
> - Take naps and stretch before rising.
> - Run, romp, and play daily.
> - Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
> - Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
> - On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
> - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
> - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
> - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
> - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
> - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
> - Be loyal.
> - ever pretend to be something you're not.
> - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
> - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.



Well, I always suspected that I led a dog's life. I just didn't want it known how much fun it is.


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his 
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in 
price--the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer 
item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it 
for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer 
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling 
naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' 

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. 

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' 

He never heard the shot. 

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. 

Closed coffin.


----------



## BrownEyedChica

Spread the StupidityOnly in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. ; 

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin? 

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? 

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

A man goes into a doctor and indicates he has a problem with his genitals. He tells the doctor that he is very small, and that all the previous doctors he has seen erupted in laughter at the sight of it.

The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably. 
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 
'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
Bob replied "It's swollen,"


----------



## ThikJerseyChik

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into huge pig in middle of road and dies.


Thought For the Day: If only men would listen!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too 
tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to 
unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her 
leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a 
little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the 
driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the 
step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the 
waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch 
my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after 
you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents

to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot
fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more
with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi
with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story ?'

'Stay the f.. . away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 

'Not yet,' said the little boy. 

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. 

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. 

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. 

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.. 

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.' 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?


----------



## ChubbyBubbles

Imagine if the Indians and pilgrims shot a donkey instead of a turkey...we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving!


----------



## Love.Metal

So a baby seal walks into a club...


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Well technically not a joke but it made me laugh. My faves were 2, 10 & 16.

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER FIFTY YEARS TO LEARN 

By Dave Barry
Nationally Syndicated Columnist 
1 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 
2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and 
never will achieve its full potential; that word would be 'meetings.' 
3 There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 
4 People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share 
yours with them. 
5 You should not confuse your career with your life. 
6 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
7 Never lick a steak knife.. 
8 The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9 You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we 
observe daylight savings time. 
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think 
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal 
about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, 
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we 
are above average drivers. 
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very 
important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 
14. Your friends love you anyway. 
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A 
large group of professionals built the Titanic. 
16. Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the 
crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Dead Parrot sketch is 1,600 years old


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Texas; not exactly a joke either but we can laugh at ourselves.

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ... 

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas ; 

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ; 

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ; 

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas ; 

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ; 

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ; 

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas ; 

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas ; 

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ; 

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ; 

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas . 

Need to be cheered up? 

Happy, Texas 79042 
Pep , Texas 79353 
Smiley , Texas 78159 
Paradise , Texas 76073 
Rainbow , Texas 76077 
Sweet Home , Texas 77987 
Comfort , Texas 78013 
Friendship, Texas 76530 

Love the Sun? 

Sun City , Texas 78628 
Sunrise , Texas 76661 
Sunset, Texas 76270 
Sundown, Texas 79372 
Sunray , Texas 79086 
Sunny Side , Texas 77423 

Want something to eat? 

Bacon , Texas 76301 
Noodle , Texas 79536 
Oatmeal , Texas 78605 
Turkey , Texas 79261 
Trout , Texas 75789 
Sugar Land , Texas 77479 
Salty, Texas 76567 
Rice , Texas 75155 
And top it off with: 
Sweetwater , Texas 79556 

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all! 

Detroit , Texas 75436 
Colorado City , Texas 79512 
Denver City , Texas 79323 
Klondike , Texas 75448 
Nevada , Texas 75173 
Memphis , Texas 79245 
Miami , Texas 79059 
Boston , Texas 75570 
Santa Fe , Texas 77517 
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861 
Reno , Texas 75462 

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket! 

Athens , Texas 75751 
Canadian, Texas 79014 
China , Texas 77613 
Egypt , Texas 77436 
Ireland , Texas 76538 
Turkey , Texas 79261 
London , Texas 76854 
New London , Texas 75682 
Paris , Texas 75460 

No need to travel to Washington D.C. 

Whitehouse , Texas 75791 

We even have a city named after our planet! 

Earth , Texas 79031 

And a city named after our State! 

Texas City , Texas 77590 

Exhausted? 

Energy , Texas 76452 

Cold? 

Blanket , Texas 76432 

Winters, Texas 

Like to read about History? 

Santa Anna , Texas 

Goliad , Texas 

Alamo , Texas 

Gun Barrel City, Texas 

Robert lee, Texas 

Need Office Supplies? 

Staples, Texas 78670 

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus , Texas 76084 

You guessed it..it's on the state line.. 

Texline , Texas 79087 


For the kids... 

Kermit , Texas 79745 
Elmo , Texas 75118 
Nemo , Texas 76070 
Tarzan , Texas 79783 
Winnie , Texas 77665 
Sylvester , Texas 79560 

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... 

Frognot , Texas 75424 
Bigfoot , Texas 78005 
Hogeye , Texas 75423 
Cactus , Texas 79013 
Notrees , Texas 79759 
Best, Texas 76932 
Veribest , Texas 76886 
Kickapoo , Texas 75763 
Dime Box , Texas 77853 
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853 
Telephone , Texas 75488 
Telegraph , Texas 76883 
Whiteface , Texas 79379 
Twitty, Texas 79079 

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City 

Kilgore , Texas 75662 

And our favorites... 

Cut n Shoot, Texas 
Gun Barrel City , Texas 
Hoop And Holler, Texas 
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, 
Muleshoe , Texas 

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas . 

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles 

2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles 

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas 

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883. 

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. 

6. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston . 

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America . 

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes. 

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978. 

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island . 

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was ' Houston .' 

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island . 

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979. 

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states. 

15. A Live Oak (known as Big Tree) near Fulton is estimated to be over 1000 years old. 

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state. 

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper. 

18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston , Velasco, West Columbia and Austin . 

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet). 

20. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas . 

21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.). 

22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston . 

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas : 

(1) Just one God. 

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. 

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'. 

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. 

(5) Put nothin' before God. 

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.. 

(7) No killin'. 

(8) Watch yer mouth. 

(9) Don't take what ain't yers. 

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff 

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don'tcha think? 

If you want to see more of Texas , go to 

Seymour, Texas


----------



## frankman

Ernest Nagel said:


> If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas



I'm confused: do those people _all_ have to hit _the same _deer more than one time?


----------



## Ernest Nagel

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight. 

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'For the love of god woman,
don't you ever stop?!' :doh:


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Two golfers are on the 15th Green one afternoon as a funeral procession drives by. One golfer sees it, stands facing the road, takes off his hat, and holds it over his heart.

After the procession has past and the golfer put his hat back on, his friend says "That was very nice of you."

The golfer replies, "Well, it was the least I could do. After all, for 34 years she was a pretty good wife."

:bow:


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

A man is taking a new car out for a test drive. It has a voice-operated radio - the salesman told him all he had to do was mention something, and the radio would find a station playing it.

He decides to try the radio out, and says "Classical". Beethoven's 9th starts coming out of the speakers. Then he says "Country", and the radio starts playing a Johnny Cash song.

Suddenly, a young man in a souped-up Mustang cuts him off. The man yells out "STUPID ASSHOLE!"

And from the speakers come the words, "Megadittoes, Rush - I'm a first-time caller..."

:bow:


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

Do cats stutter? 
~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human 
beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, 
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the 
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew 
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler 
ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

My friend sent me a list of "100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord." All of them are funny in their own way, but I'll just provide a select few, because it's way too long... LoL

~~The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

~~I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 

~~I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

~~One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

~~When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

~~I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 

~~I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

And perhaps my favorite... ~~All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.


----------



## Ruffie

Hot and Cold sex 








After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in 


good health. 


Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 


'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold 


and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, 


I am usually hot and sweaty.' 


After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to 


be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' 


The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then 


said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. 

He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then 


hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' 


'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 


'That's because the first time is 


usually in January, and the second time is in August.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ruffie said:


> Hot and Cold sex
> [trimmed]
> 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.



January and August of the SAME YEAR??? That Old Fart must be a lot younger than I am.


----------



## ecortez766

What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water? 

It's gong to take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick.


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm
starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her .

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and
the gizzards!!!"


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?' 

:bow:


----------



## Oirish

Good joke. Everybody laughs...



TheSadeianLinguist said:


> A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed.
> 
> He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
> 
> The doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
> 
> The man bursts into tears. He says, "But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

I heard this joke from an Irishman that I worked with during my Massachusetts days. I assume, therefore, that it is sufficiently p.c. to repeat here.

An Irishman is discussing comparative sociology with a Mexican. The Mexican is attempting to explain the concept of 'mañana'.

After much discussion, and much pondering on the part of the Irishman, he replies, "You know, I don't think that the Irish have a term which connotes such a high degree of urgency."


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

Blackjack_Jeeves said:


> And perhaps my favorite... ~~All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.


Not to get off talent, but THIS. I for one never understood the reason for having bards and goofy characters in a fantasy setting. Even in Star Trek, the character of Reg Barclay (a neurotic, holodeck-addicted dreamer on the Enterprise-D) became instantly annoying and wore out his welcome before too long.

I always compare them to the minstrel for "Brave Sir Robin" in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Tedious.


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Not to get off talent, but THIS. I for one never understood the reason for having bards and goofy characters in a fantasy setting. Even in Star Trek, the character of Reg Barclay (a neurotic, holodeck-addicted dreamer on the Enterprise-D) became instantly annoying and wore out his welcome before too long.
> 
> I always compare them to the minstrel for "Brave Sir Robin" in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Tedious.



Couldn't agree more really... What annoyed me was the fact that they made episodes almost solely about Reg in the Voyager series. I thought it was a clever storyline, but really, did it have to be Reg?

But I never thought of them as the minstrels. Now, I probably always will. Thanks a lot!




"Sir Robin ran away! Sir Robin ran away away!"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.



Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.



'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.



'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.



'Oh, I see Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'



'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.



What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'



A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'



'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'



'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'



'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'



'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'



The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'



C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'



Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'



'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'



'Well, 'says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish..'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was pleasure?' 

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. 

A captain said it was 50-50%. 

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? 

'Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

This still makes me grin. 

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
 
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.



Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'



'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.



'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'



'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'



"Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.'


----------



## mango

*Probably already been posted and a little out of date but will post again anyway..


Economic Models explained with Cows*


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour. 

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

THE TALIBAN
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and
they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there
any way you could carry it through customs for me. Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida...... She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book...

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life.

After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" 

The man replied........... 

"How did you know my name was Katz?"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. 

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.' 

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. 

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' 

Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Allison. So THAT'S the girl I want!' 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. 

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' 

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. 

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll have sex with her, and he'll catch the disease. 

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. 

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG !


----------



## BrownEyedChica

A cardiologist had died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket> rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a Gynecologist. " That's when the Proctologist fainted.


----------



## BrownEyedChica

The following is a funny and true story occurring in an AP Government class
at Santa Fe High School. 

In one civics class, the young adults were discussing the qualifications to
be president of the United States. It is pretty simple. The candidate must
be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the
requirement to be a natural born citizen is. In short, her opinion was that
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating . . . "What makes a
"natural born" citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?" 

:doh: lol


----------



## BrownEyedChica

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
:doh:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." 



He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!" 



Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." 



He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. 



Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" 



Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" 



They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." 



The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out... 



They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. 



At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" 



Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?" 


The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." 


The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..." 


The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." 


The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while. 


Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist fresh out of medical school. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. 

He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." 

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. 

So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: 

Dear Madam : 

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 

1) it had never been occupied; 

2) that there was plenty of heat; and 

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. 

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 

Dear Sir, 

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. 

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. 

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. 

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.







A CHILD'S PRAYER - very touching!

"Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......Amen"


----------



## Grandi Floras

For those of you who are sick of getting e-mails that tell you to forward it to at 
least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things 
and miracles will happen if you do, or there will be serious consequences if you don't, 
then you will enjoy this. 

*http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf*​


----------



## Grandi Floras

*Senior Moment*​ 
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the sack. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in private thoughts...

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." 

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose.'


----------



## Grandi Floras

The Power of Alcohol 

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.. 

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. 

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' 

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. 

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. 

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it... Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. 

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. 
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says;


*


* 



* 

(Wait for it) 



* 



* 



*

(It's coming)


* 



* 



* 
(Ya ready?) 



* 



* 



*



(Don't hate me) 


* 


*


* 


(Yer gonna hate me) 


* 



* 



* 


(Take a deep breath) 


* 


* 



* 


'He should've quit while he was a head.'


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Ernest Nagel said:


> Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
> 
> 
> 
> He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
> 
> 
> 
> Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
> 
> 
> 
> He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
> 
> 
> 
> Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
> 
> 
> 
> Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
> 
> 
> 
> They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
> 
> 
> 
> The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out...
> 
> 
> 
> They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
> 
> 
> 
> At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
> 
> 
> 
> Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."




OH gawd...what a bad time to be out of rep :doh:


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

New Zealand: a man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn."



How do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep. 



So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization. So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor money. Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep. Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. Puts a little bell on her collar. He's also getting pretty drunk. By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly. He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs out, "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?" Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the _sherrif's_ girl." 



And my personal favorite is.............



A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is; the old man gets very irate at this point and says: "See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell! See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell! See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell! But, a long long time ago, I fucked *one* sheep..."


----------



## Grandi Floras

*This is for all of the Rude Cyclists there are out there!*

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zh4WU031ET4*​


----------



## Grandi Floras

A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you..'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' He whispered to the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? And what is your name?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler, Jesus.'


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....















































"Clean my house."


----------



## smithnwesson

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish..
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down"?

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt And pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened -- he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down"?

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said "yes" and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down"?

The woman replied, "Down".

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork and he asked the her, "Up or down"?

She replied, "Up".

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.


----------



## Maxx Awesome

The Pope arrives in London for a meeting with Gordon Brown and is running late. He says to the taxi driver "I have to be at No 10 Downing Street in fifteen minutes." The taxi driver responds "Fifteen minutes?! We're on the other side of London, mate. No way are we getting there in that time." The Pope replies "Well, you get out and let me drive" The driver is somewhat taken aback by this, but since it's the Pope, he gets out and sits in the back seat.

The Pope is enjoying his drive but is going a little faster than the speed limit. A policeman on a motorbike spots him and pulls him over. He looks into the car and radios headquarters for help.

"This is road patrol to base, I need assistance"
"What seems to be the situation?"
"Well, I've pulled over someone very important..."
"Who is it? A local politican?"
"Much more important than that."
"Boris Johnson?"
"Still way off.
"Michael Caine?"
"Swing and a miss."
"Hell, not Gordon Brown?"
"No, bigger."
"Well, who?!"
"I don't know, but he's got the fucking Pope driving him around!"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. 



The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.



In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" 



The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."



The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the damn bed!”


----------



## Ernest Nagel

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over. 

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' 

Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'' 

No,' I replied. 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' 



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T 

And to think I used to like that little sh!t.


----------



## Suze

Maxx Awesome said:


> The Pope arrives in London for a meeting with Gordon Brown and is running late. He says to the taxi driver "I have to be at No 10 Downing Street in fifteen minutes." The taxi driver responds "Fifteen minutes?! We're on the other side of London, mate. No way are we getting there in that time." The Pope replies "Well, you get out and let me drive" The driver is somewhat taken aback by this, but since it's the Pope, he gets out and sits in the back seat.
> 
> The Pope is enjoying his drive but is going a little faster than the speed limit. A policeman on a motorbike spots him and pulls him over. He looks into the car and radios headquarters for help.
> 
> "This is road patrol to base, I need assistance"
> "What seems to be the situation?"
> "Well, I've pulled over someone very important..."
> "Who is it? A local politican?"
> "Much more important than that."
> "Boris Johnson?"
> "Still way off.
> "Michael Caine?"
> "Swing and a miss."
> "Hell, not Gordon Brown?"
> "No, bigger."
> "Well, who?!"
> "I don't know, but he's got the fucking Pope driving him around!"



U SUCK.

2 tomatoes is crossing the street: a car hits one of them and the other says; come on, ketch up!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

MISUNDERSTOOD



A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." 



The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." 



The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."



Don't say you weren't warned.


----------



## smithnwesson

OK. My personal favorite dumb blonde joke and a vid.

A blonde needs to communicate with her mom urgently. A friend suggests that she use the World Wide Message Center. The blonde goes in and walks up to this guy behind the counter.

"Oh, please, sir, I've got to get an urgent message to my mom who is somewhere in Paris."

The guy says, "Sure, no problem. That's what we do here. It'll cost you $300.00."

"Shit!", the blonde says, "I haven't got $300.00, but I'll do *ANYTHING* to talk to my mom.

The guy says, "Really?" 

"Well then kneel down in front of me."

"Now unzip my pants."

"Now take it out."

"Sooooo..... what are you waiting for. . . go ahead."

The blonde says, "Hello, Mom! Can you hear me?"

The Blonde Antelope


----------



## smithnwesson

Ok just one more:

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

(Wellll.... I thought it was kinda cute. )


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped 
giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and 
discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles 
but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. 
So they got the cow from Minsk. 

It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and 
everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would 
mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never 
have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a 
bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When 
the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow 
moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow 
from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all 
day. 

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the 
Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told 
him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. 
When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left 
and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to 
the right. What do we do?" 

The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy 
this cow from Minsk?" 

"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we 
bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" 

The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk." 



Historical footnote to this joke:
"The little town has a very specific name. It is the 
town of Chelm. Just as Americans make fun of Poles (or 
Italians), the Canadians make fun of Newfies, the French 
make fun of Belgiques, and so on, the Jews have always made 
fun of the residents of the town of Chelm. They are 
usually ironically referred to as "the wise men of Chelm" 
and the stories usually involve some sort of amazing (or 
brillliant) insight that is immediately misapplied. This 
is a classic Chelm story."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

An Irishman and Polack were out hunting. From yonder 
thicket emerges a fine looking Irish lass. Taken aback, 
the Irishman and Polack are momentarily nonplussed. 

However, quickly recovering his aplomb, the Irishman speaks: 

He: Hey lass, are you game? 

She: (with a wink) Aye!... 

And with that, the Polack shot her.


----------



## smithnwesson

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?


Or the dislexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed up late worrying about "Is there really a Dog".

(Sorry about that. I'll go to my room now.)


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, ''I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'' 



She says "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." 



"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" 



"We use it for sex." 



The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" 



The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob. It keeps the kids out." 

[And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...]


----------



## Weirdo890

This I stole from Robin Williams

A man and his wife are having sex. They are going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly, they hear a noise. It is their son Timmy. Timmy screams and runs out of the room. 

The dad says, "I'll go talk to Timmy."

He goes into his son's room and sees Timmy giving it hot and heavy to Grandma.

The father screams, "My God!"

Timmy replies,"Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"


----------



## the_captain

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yes, but you have all the equipment!"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, What do you think I should do?" 

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


----------



## Ernest Nagel

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.



"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY"..



There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh*t, so that's why no one was at church today."


----------



## swamptoad

anonymous doctor reply - (true story) ... in a forwarded email that I received a while back.

_While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' 

After a look of complete confusion
she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'_


----------



## the_captain

Rather than admit defeat in the face of tricky questions, some students decide to take a more creative approach to their answers on school exams.

You won't know whether to laugh - or cry.

Q: What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.

Q: Name one of the early Romans greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.

Q: Name one measure which can be put into place to avoid river flooding in times of extensive rainfall (e.g., in Mississippi).
A: Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears, four seals.

Q: Assess Fashion House plcs choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
A: No. People from Birmingham arent very fashionable.

Q: How does Romeos character develop throughout the play?
A: It doesnt, its just self, self, self all the way through.

Q: Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A: Mrs. Orpheus.

Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: What happens during puberty to a boy?
A: He says goodbye to his childhood, enters adultery.

Q: State three drawbacks of hedgerow removal.
A: 1. All the cows will escape. 2. The cars drive into the fields. 3. There is nowhere to hide.

Q: What is the meaning of the word varicose?
A: Close by.

Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.

Q: What is a fibula?
A: A little lie.

Q: Explain the phrase free press.
A: When your mum irons trousers for you.

Q: Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A: You might walk into it.

Q: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system?
A: It doesnt come with a chair.

Q: Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40mph. Is Steve speeding?
A: He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.

Q: What is a vibration?
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Q: Where was Hadrians Wall built?
A: Around Hadrians garden.

Q: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?' asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob...'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' 

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken.
Bob was devastated but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. 

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 

'Never,' said Bob. 

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' 

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! 

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. 
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... 

"BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!"


----------



## swamptoad

*No Ears*

A guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

_Interviewer_: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
_
Interviewer_: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."


----------



## ChubbyBubbles

An elderly woman is sitting with her doctor when he asks her if she and her husband still have intercourse. 

"Well, let me go ask him" she says and goes out into the waiting room.

"Wilbur, honey..." she yells across the crowded waiting room.

"What? huh?" the old man yells.

"DO WE HAVE INTERCOURSE?" she yells as loud as she can. 

The old man sighs as he answers..."NOW HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, DEAR, WE HAVE MEDICARE." :doh:


----------



## Fat.n.sassy

swamptoad said:


> anonymous doctor reply - (true story) ... in a forwarded email that I received a while back.
> 
> _While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
> 
> After a look of complete confusion
> she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'_



In the words of Larry the Cable Guy..."That's funny raht there, I don't care who ya' are!"


----------



## Fat.n.sassy

Irreverant....

Q: What does the Pope use to dry his hands?
A: Why, Papal Towels, of course!


----------



## Dr. Feelgood

A cultural anthropologist retired and moved back to the small town where he grew up. He was delighted to find three of his boyhood pals had remained in town and become prominent citizens. The three of them began having lunch together once a week, and the others loved to hear the anthropologist tell of the many countries he'd visited and the strange customs he'd found. One day he told his friends about the custom of burying grave goods with the deceased. When he finished, he said, "Guys, you know I never had any brothers or sisters, and I never married. You three are the closest thing to family I have. When I die, will you each please put a hundred dollars in my coffin to aid me on my last journey?"
The friends were a little embarrassed, but what could they say? They agreed. Besides, the anthropologist was in excellent shape and would probably live a long time.
The next week he died.
As the friends gathered at his casket, the banker said, "This business of grave goods is silly...but I did promise Jack." And he put in a hundred-dollar bill.
The doctor said, "I agree it's silly, but it meant a lot to him, and we can all afford it." He put in a hundred-dollar bill, too.
"I don't think it's silly at all," said the lawyer, as he removed the two bills and put in a check for three hundred dollars.


----------



## intraultra

I spent part of last night reading "dumb jokes that are funny" at the oatmeal:
http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/

Some don't quite live up to the "that are funny" part, but I got a good laugh out of a few.

The only one I can remember at the moment...

What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

Heh heh.


----------



## Fat.n.sassy

intraultra said:


> I spent part of last night reading "dumb jokes that are funny" at the oatmeal:
> http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/
> 
> Some don't quite live up to the "that are funny" part, but I got a good laugh out of a few.
> 
> The only one I can remember at the moment...
> 
> What does a vegan zombie eat?
> Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
> 
> Heh heh.



I agree, that IS funny.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.....

The first man married a woman from California . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Utah. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.




P.S. I was born in Redbank


----------



## Fat.n.sassy

...a 'groaner'

Q: What is an English teacher's favorite cereal?

A: Synonym Toast Crunch!


----------



## quackman

My cousin is a bailiff by trade, but moonlights as a bartender. His specialty is serving subpoena coladas.


----------



## Nutty

Get ready for a bad Seinfeldish joke i made up....

Why in football do they call it loser's walk. It's more like loser's* run*


----------



## Kinnaird

Once upon a time, there was an inflatable boy. The inflatable boy lived in an inflatable house, with an inflatable family. He went to an inflatable school with an inflatable teacher and even an inflatable principle.

One day, the inflatable boy took a pin to his inflatable school. The inflatable teacher let out a gasp and sent him to the principle's office.

The inflatable principle said, "I'm very disappointed in you son. You've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down!"


----------



## joswitch

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
> 
> This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...
> 
> on one condition..."
> 
> Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
> 
> The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Clean my house."



Heh! That's one of my fave jokes too... 

Except in the version I heard, it's a hot chick who walks into a bar, and the she offers a guy anything for 100quid in three words...
and his answer is:





Paint. My. House.


which, given the price of paint and interior decoration...


----------



## CastingPearls

Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One . . .

. . . and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can and the second blonde pours it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder which one has the calorie?"


----------



## CastingPearls

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the horses side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.................................................................................................Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


----------



## CastingPearls

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of the penis is the length of the thumb 3 times, a femur is hard as concrete, woman's heart beats faster than the man. Women blink twice as much as men, we use 300 muscles just to keep the balance when we are standing up .....The woman has read the entire text here. The man is still looking at his thumb


----------



## nitewriter

A Medical School Professor is lecturing his class when he notice one of his students doesn't seem to be paying attention." Miss Claymore! Is it true that a man's penis grows to five times its size when he is fully aroused?" The young woman can only stammer and turn a deep shade of red. " Miss Claymore, your attempt at answering tells me three things. ONE: You haven't read the last chapters of your textbook. TWO: You haven't done your homework for today or you would have known the answer! "
and THREE: " Marriage will be a great disappointment."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

nitewriter said:


> A Medical School Professor is lecturing his class when he notice one of his students doesn't seem to be paying attention." Miss Claymore! Is it true that a man's penis grows to five times its size when he is fully aroused?" The young woman can only stammer and turn a deep shade of red. " Miss Claymore, your attempt at answering tells me three things. ONE: You haven't read the last chapters of your textbook. TWO: You haven't done your homework for today or you would have known the answer! "
> and THREE: " Marriage will be a great disappointment."



I remember some old-tyme-radio guy - maybe Gabby Hayes - always responding to a joke, "Waal, that's purdy funny, sonny, But that ain't the way I heared it!"

So this is the way I 'heared' it:

ORGAN THAT EXPANDS TEN TIMES . . .

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. 

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."


----------



## freakyfred

What is a sheep's favourite song?

Baaaaaad Romance






(I'm sorry)


----------



## Lamia

This is the only joke I can remember

Two muffins are in an oven:

one muffin says "Is it me or is it getting hot in there?"

The other muffin says

EEEEKKK a talking muffin!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZAmNJEFY2I&feature=related


----------



## Blackjack_Jeeves

A brief sample of my "How to be Annoying" list... Because I can't sleep. LoL

~Sing the Batman Theme incessantly
~Adjust the tint on your television so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
~Produce a DVD consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings
~Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
~Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
~Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
~Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
~ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
~only type in lowercase.
~dont use any punctuation either
~Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
~Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
~Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
~Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
~Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
~Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly (apparently, as a kid I was a fiend with this).
~Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
~Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
~Drive half a block.
~Name your dog "Dog."
~Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
~Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
~Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
~Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
~Ask to "interface" with someone.
~Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
~Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
~Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
~Never make/break eye contact.
~Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

There are plenty more, but these 30 are the ones I've actually attempted, or am considering to attempt


----------



## CastingPearls

Blackjack_Jeeves said:


> A brief sample of my "How to be Annoying" list... Because I can't sleep. LoL
> 
> ~Sing the Batman Theme incessantly
> ~Adjust the tint on your television so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
> ~Produce a DVD consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings
> ~Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
> ~Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
> ~Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
> ~Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
> ~ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
> ~only type in lowercase.
> ~dont use any punctuation either
> ~Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
> ~Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
> ~Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
> ~Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
> ~Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
> ~Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly (apparently, as a kid I was a fiend with this).
> ~Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
> ~Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
> ~Drive half a block.
> ~Name your dog "Dog."
> ~Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
> ~Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
> ~Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
> ~Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
> ~Ask to "interface" with someone.
> ~Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
> ~Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
> ~Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
> ~Never make/break eye contact.
> ~Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
> 
> There are plenty more, but these 30 are the ones I've actually attempted, or am considering to attempt


I realize I've done enough of these to question my OWN sanity.
(I thought the Oreo thing and the to-go thing were MY inventions!)


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

CastingPearls said:


> I realize I've done enough of these to question my OWN sanity.
> (I thought the Oreo thing and the to-go thing were MY inventions!)




Lol now I want to get a tattoo that says "Magnificent One" inside a pair of fairy wings


----------



## joswitch

GunnerFA said:


> For those who remember the rush to complete the various venues in Athens for the 2004 Olympic Games, here's a little joke that arose around that time...
> 
> The Prime Minister of Greece was touring the Beijing Olympic site with the Prime Minister of China. As they were walking around, the Greek Prime Minister kept nodding his head in approval at the rate of work being completed.
> "This is quite an impressive Olympic site, your people are working at a very fast rate," the Greek PM said to the Chinese PM.
> "Yes, we're very happy with the progress. We're pretty sure that the site will be completed by 2006," the Chinese PM replied.
> "Same with our site," said the Greek.



lolz! Didja know that the Greek gov't put a tax on new buildings - payable on completion of the work?

Result =
Greeks built their houses and left the concrete reinforcement rods sticking out the top of the flat roof - thus claiming that it was still a building in progress, with a new storey yet to be added.... so no tax to pay!

True story. 

(N.B. this was back in the early '90s... don't know if it still applies)


----------



## smithnwesson

An old man is sitting on a bench outside of a nursing home, when one of the crazy old ladies shuffles up, whips open her robe and yells, "Super Pussy!" 

The old guy looks her over and says, "I'll have the soup, please."


----------



## Noir

how do you wake up Lady Gaga? 

Poke her face


----------



## hgb0005

I recently watched that movie 'A League of Their Own.' The one about women's baseball in the 1940s. It reminded me of the good old days.

When Geena Davis had a career.


----------



## Christov

Val Kilmer's career.


----------



## Agent 007

A little girl walks into a pet store. She goes to the store cleck and asks him: "Sir, do you have any cute little bunnies? I would really like to have one of those".
The store clerk smiles and says: "Well of course we do, little girl. Which one would you like? How about this black one? Or maybe this nice brown one here?"
The little girl replies: "Well, I don't think my python will give a damn about the color."


----------



## smithnwesson

This one's kinda lame, but it made me laugh.

*A mom was driving her 7YO to a birthday party.

7YO: How old are you, Mom?
Mom: Honey, it's bad to ask people how old they are.
7YO: Well then, how much do you weigh?
Mom: Sweetie, its even worse to ask a woman her weight.
7YO: Will you at least tell me why you and Dad got divorced?
Mom: Personal questions like those are VERY rude, dear.

At the party, the 7YO told this story to an older girl.

She said "That's easy. Get her drivers license out of her purse when she isn't looking".

At supper that night:

7YO: Mom, you're 41.
Mom: How did you find that out?
7YO: I'm not telling and you weigh 148 lbs.
Mom: I'm serious: How did you find out?
7YO: I'm still not telling and I know why you're divorced. You got an 'F' for sex.*


----------



## Agent 007

A woman is standing under the shower. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. She hears the voice of her blind neighbour who says: "Can I come in please? I've got some great news to tell you!"

The woman thinks: "Oh he's blind, so what does it matter?" So she walks out of the shower naked and opens the door.

The neighbour walks in and says: "Here's the news: I just had an eye surgery and now I can see again!"


----------



## rellis10

Three race horses are in the stables, the first turns to look at the others and says...

"Hey, check it out, i'v won 5 of my last 7 races."

The second horse looks back at the first and replies with a smirk.

"You think that's good? I've won 8 of my last 10 races."

The third horse laughs arrogantly and replies.

"You think THAT'S good? I've won 12 of my last 15 races!"

The two other horses reluctantly nod, accepting it's an impressive record. Suddenly a greyhound walks out from somewhere and wanders in front of the stables. The three horses stop chatting and stare at the dog that looks back and talks.

"What about this, I've won 15 of my last 18 races!"

The three horses looked at each others, seemingly speechless at the prowess of this dog. After a couple of moments they look back and the greyhound and all say...

"Fuck me! A Talking Dog!"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks. 

They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. 

The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" 

"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Sam encounters his old pal, Jake, walking through the park. Jake doesn't look too good. He is red-eyed, a bit unsteady on his feet, and seemingly a bit confused.

"Jake, you don't look so good. I know you don't drink - maybe you aren't sleeping too well."

Jake: 
"It's that damn memory foam mattress."

Sam: 
"You just got that recently. What's wrong with it?"

Jake: 
"Nothing. My wife was out of town for a while. When she came back, she looked at her side of the mattress, scowled, and said "That indentation doesn't look like me!"

"So I've been sleeping on the sofa."


----------



## CPProp

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet knickers (panties) all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her.......it was little boy blue with his horn.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida.

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


----------



## CastingPearls

Reaction of various branches of Armed Forces upon encountering a snake...

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.Can't find snake.Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active.We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet of silver in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 1 million bicycles = 2
megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbird

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League


----------



## thirtiesgirl

So two elderly nuns decide to go on a bicycle tour of villages in France, like they did 30 years before. As they're riding down one narrow village lane, the first nun says to the second nun, "you know, I don't think we've come this way before." Says the second nun to the first, "ah, it must be the cobblestones."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi



Very good, my friend!

Now: 
What do you call an ear wig's nest?
An E(a)rnest.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

thirtiesgirl said:


> So two elderly nuns decide to go on a bicycle tour of villages in France, like they did 30 years before. As they're riding down one narrow village lane, the first nun says to the second nun, "you know, I don't think we've come this way before." Says the second nun to the first, "ah, it must be the cobblestones."



I love jokes like this. So nostalgic. We used to tell that one in jr. high. Let's see - about 60 years ago.


----------



## thirtiesgirl

Ho Ho Tai said:


> I love jokes like this. So nostalgic. We used to tell that one in jr. high. Let's see - about 60 years ago.



That's all I know, the old ones.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

I don't get the nun joke :doh:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Baby's First Doctor Visit 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 

'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. 

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.


----------



## smithnwesson

My buddy has started a new business: He's manufacturing exploding prayer mats. He must be doing well, he says the prophets are through the roof.

Yeah, I know  - Jim


----------



## smithnwesson

OK. I've got another one, even worse than the last one:

*A commercial flight has taken off and the pilot has finished his welcome to the passengers. He leans over to the copilot and says, "Ya know, I could do with a cup of coffee and a blow job right about now".

A flight attendant rushes down the aisle to tell them to turn the PA system off and a passenger yells, "Hey sweetie, don't forget the coffee".*

- Jim


----------



## Ernest Nagel

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


----------



## Dromond

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?




















































It's a pretty obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.


----------



## thirtiesgirl

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I don't get the nun joke :doh:



Sorry. I just saw this. Maybe this will help: ...the first nun says to the second nun, "you know, I don't think we've _*come*_ this way before." Says the second nun to the first, "ah, it must be the cobblestones."


----------



## mango

*A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , 
looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"








The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." 







So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. 

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. 

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. 

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, 
then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" 

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the 
koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the 
tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" 







So the koala looks down at him and says: 







"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"*


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar

Check the last panel for the joke...the sad thing is this comic is ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that..the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.
> 
> ..and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
> 
> 
> Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
> 
> "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
> 
> The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
> 
> , "I must have taken Leif off my census."
> 
> This just goes to prove that..the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
> 
> "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."



Ernest, you are hereby damned to an eternity in Hell, listening, over and over again, to the complete works of Charles Lamb - but only the punch lines Your Punnishment is to reconstruct the rest.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Ho Ho Tai said:


> Ernest, you are hereby damned to an eternity in Hell, listening, over and over again, to the complete works of Charles Lamb - but only the punch lines Your Punnishment is to reconstruct the rest.



I'd actually be quite alright with that I think? Thanks for the notion, Ho Ho. :bow:


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> I'd actually be quite alright with that I think? Thanks for the notion, Ho Ho. :bow:



Ernest - Your response reminds me of an old adage "Never mud-wrestle with a pig. You'll just get dirty and besides, the pig enjoys it."

I fwd'ed your offerings to Mrs Ho Ho. She commented that they're even worse than mine. I told her "Most of them ARE mine (repeated from other sources, of course.)

By the way, I believe it was Charles Lamb who advised that a man's last breath should be inhaled through a pipe and exhaled in a pun. Mrs Ho Ho made me give up smoking 23 years ago, but she couldn't do anything about the puns.


----------



## biodieselman

An oldie but goodie.


An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through,
she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back...












"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
__________________


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Ho Ho Tai said:


> Ernest - Your response reminds me of an old adage "Never mud-wrestle with a pig. You'll just get dirty and besides, the pig enjoys it."
> 
> I fwd'ed your offerings to Mrs Ho Ho. She commented that they're even worse than mine. I told her "Most of them ARE mine (repeated from other sources, of course.)
> 
> By the way, I believe it was Charles Lamb who advised that a man's last breath should be inhaled through a pipe and exhaled in a pun. Mrs Ho Ho made me give up smoking 23 years ago, but she couldn't do anything about the puns.



Yeah, I'd seen variations on all but one of these. I just thought it was nice, concise collection of groaners since this thread had between quiet for awhile.

I vacillate between believing puns are the highest and lowest form of humor, most of my own persuading me to the low side. Probably the truth lies somewhere in the muddle? :happy:


----------



## quackman

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Ernest Nagel again."

So nice to see clean humor.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> Yeah, I'd seen variations on all but one of these. I just thought it was nice, concise collection of groaners since this thread had between quiet for awhile.
> 
> I vacillate between believing puns are the highest and lowest form of humor, most of my own persuading me to the low side. Probably the truth lies somewhere in the muddle? :happy:



Ernest -
I suggest that you rush to your keyboard (well, you are no doubt there already) and find a copy of "Any Number Can Play" by Clifton Fadiman (copyright 1957 (other editions will suffice) and when you get it, read Chapter 16 (more or less, depending on the edition) "Small Excellencies: A Dissertation on Puns" And then read all the remaining chapters in the same section "Mere Words"

When I still expressed my age in single digits, I never missed a broadcast of Information, Please, with Fadiman and many famous guests of the time - many of whom you older folks will well remember.

By the way, the book documents what must be some of the most sophisticated and erudite puns ever penned, including spontaneous (not set-up) puns, documented years later by their victims. There are even some multiple-language puns included.

Now, get out there, Nagel, and don't come back until you've found it.


----------



## biodieselman

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.


"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."



"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"





"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."


So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!


The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" <


The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"


The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls.... You must be a politician


----------



## Dromond

What do you get when you cross Jack the Ripper with Tony the Tiger?























































A cereal killer.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.



35 Italian cars don't start.



32 Water freezes.



30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.



25 Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.



20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.



15 N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.



12 You plan a vacation to Mexico.



10 Too cold to snow



5 You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.



3 You plan a vacation in Houston.



0 Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.



-5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.



-10 Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.



-15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.



-20 You plan a 2-week hot bath.



-25 The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.



-30 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button... 



-35 The kids call home from college. 



- 40 No need to convert between centigrade and Fahrenheit.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> A Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
> up and reveals her lack of underwear.
> 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband Ole demanded.
> Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
> The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
> buy yourself some underwear.'
> 
> Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
> too, is wearing no undies.
> 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
> She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
> Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
> 
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
> 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
> She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
> Tidy yerself up a bit.



It does make one wonder what the Scotsman had on under his kilt, though. (I've heard that it was the Loch Ness Monster.)

Reminds me of one I heard over 50 years ago from a real Scotsman with a brogue so thick I had to get him to repeat it.

"What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a poor Scotsman, and a dead Scotsman?

The rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed.
The poor Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed.
The dead Scotsman canna pee at all.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Apparently the Washington Post held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the worst analogies theyd encountered in grading their students papers over the years. (I place worst in quotes because many of these actually strike me as quite witty).

1. He was as tall as a 6&#8242;3&#8243; tree.

2. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

3. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

4. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

7. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

8. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

9. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

10. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wifes infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

11. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

12. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

13. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

14. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

15. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

16. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

17. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.

18. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

19. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

20. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.

21. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

22. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.

23. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.

24. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

25. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

26. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

27. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

28. Oh, Jason, take me! she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

30. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

31. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

32. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

33. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

34. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

35. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

36. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

37. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

38. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.

39. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.

40. They were as good friends as the people on Friends.

41. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Kleins Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.

42. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

43. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

44. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.

45. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.

46. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.

47. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I dont speak German. Anyway, its a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I dont know the name for those either.

48. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you cant sing worth a damn.

49. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Cant Believe Its Not Butter.

50. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

51. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake.

52. You know how in Rocky he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.

53. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

54. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.

55. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

56. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.


----------



## Ernest Nagel

Ho Ho Tai said:


> It does make one wonder what the Scotsman had on under his kilt, though. (I've heard that it was the Loch Ness Monster.)
> 
> Reminds me of one I heard over 50 years ago from a real Scotsman with a brogue so thick I had to get him to repeat it.
> 
> "What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a poor Scotsman, and a dead Scotsman?
> 
> The rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed.
> The poor Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed.
> The dead Scotsman canna pee at all.



Good one, HHT! When my Friend Tim was in Glasgow a Scotsman with a brogue as thick as oatmeal approached him with a watch. Tim couldn't understand a word he was saying but assumed he was trying to sell him the watch. Tim just kept saying "NO!" even when the Scotsman tried to put it in his hand. It wasn't until he got back to the hotel that he realized his watch had fallen off. The Scot had apparently seen it fall and was only trying to give it back! :doh:


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment. 

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. But,you'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

It's OK to rep me for these jokes. I'll never tell, I promise!


----------



## Ernest Nagel

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated
by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.


----------



## penguin

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?




Halfway.


----------



## smithnwesson

These two guys are having a drink in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "Henry, I want to ask you something very personal: When and your girl friend are making love, do ya'll ever use that...you know...other hole?"

Henry replies, "Hell no! You think we're crazy? What if she got pregnant?"


----------



## Ruffie

Warning its a groaner!


What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?



Virgin Mobile.


----------



## smithnwesson

Ruffie said:


> Warning its a groaner!
> 
> 
> What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
> 
> 
> 
> Virgin Mobile.


O. M. G.  

(True story.) I used to work in a Catholic hospital and joked with one of the nuns about going out on a date with me. I said, "Whatcha think, Sister: Dinner and a movie. What could be the harm in that?"

She replied, "Perhaps, just as long a you don't get into the habit."

- Jim


----------



## smithnwesson

Grandpa Boudreaux went in for his annual physical checkup on his 92nd birthday. A few days later the doctor saw the elder Boudreaux walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

Man, youre really doing great, arent you, Grandpa Boudreaux? observed the doctor. 

Mais, yeah, sha, but ahm jis doin watchu told me ta do, replied Grandpa Boudreaux. Getta hot mama and be cheerful!

Oh no! Thats not what I said, responded a worried doctor. I said you got a heart murmur! Be careful!

- Jim


----------



## Ernest Nagel

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What?!? What do you mean $200..?"


----------



## Ernest Nagel

OK, this thread has been dormant way too long. 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.



Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,



"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."



"Do you think that will work?" she asked.



"It just worked for me," he replied. 



MY NEIGHBOR

My neighbor is a real beauty. She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my family room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door............I rushed to open it.

She looked at me, and said, I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?

I immediately replied, Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!

Then she said, Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

(Man... It's no fun getting old!!!)



NY Cabbie

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.



She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"



The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".



She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"



He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride."


----------



## smithnwesson

My girl friend just bought a blouse with 12 buttons, but her boobs are so big that she can only fascinate.

 -Jim


----------



## bbwbud

Four people; one each from Idaho, Maine, Vermont and New York are in an airplane, and the pilot comes over the intercom and says, "we have just lost an engine, we need to get rid of any excess weight."

The guy from Idaho grabs a big sack of potatoes he has and says, "we have more of these in Idaho than we could possibly want or need" and pitches the bag of spuds out the door.

The fellow from Maine looks over at a crate of lobsters, says "We have so many of these off the coast they are like cockroaches" and heaves the crate into the sky.

The guy from Vermont looks over at the New Yorker, shrugs, and says, "you heard what they said", and throws the guy from New York off the plane.


----------



## Fattitude1

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar where they begin to have words with each other. Why? Seems they were tense....


----------



## smithnwesson

Holy fuck, Fattitude1!

I'm reping you out of sympathy. 

 - Jim


----------



## Fattitude1

GRAMMAR:
The difference between knowing your s**t and knowing you're s**t


----------



## smithnwesson

Haaaaaaa! Consider that stolen property!


----------



## Fattitude1

New Commemorative Pistol
Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of members of the United States Senate and the House of Representatives. It will be named the Congressman. It doesn't work and you can't fire it.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> OK, this thread has been dormant way too long.



Oh, I don't know about that.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

penguin said:


> What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Halfway.



What do you get if you cross two roosters?


(Very old joke and, obviously, very non-PC)






















Two cross roosters.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Ernest Nagel said:


> 40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
> 
> 
> 
> - 40 No need to convert between centigrade and Fahrenheit.



I want to add a few anecdotal comments to this one.

Our favorite state ballad composer wrote this song a long time ago. Charlie McGuire is actually the official state DNR balladier.

This quip is the intro to the song "Oh, Cold and Misery" Page down and read the words.

"Talking Blues

I woke up this morning, it was 40 below
The snow was piled up past my door
That would not be too bad, but I live on the second floor
But I like it here"

Years ago, my neighbor was the one with the recalcitrant vehicle and I was the one to whom he spoke. He worked near my own place of business and I could always drop him off. However, there was a bit of punishment that I meted out to him. I had a tape of the song in my truck and would make him listen to it on the way to work, every time.

Decades before that (you can talk in long spans of time at my age) I visited a friend in Southern CA. He was an old Minnesota kid and a boyhood friend. He had a little Mustang convertible ('60s vintage - not new, but not old either.) He knew all tricks for starting a car in a MN winter. We woke up at his house to +40 F, went out to start the Mustang and couldn't get a ripple out of it.

Fourty years later, I still kid him about that one. (And, yes, that's how I choose to spell forty. Never could see any sense in the contraction.)

Oh - and the comment about -40? Nearly 30 years ago, my older son was traveling in Europe. To fill the vacancy we took in a German exchange student, who arrived in the fall just in time for school. Sitting on the porch on a nice fall day, he asked me how cold it got in our part of Minnesota. Prevaricating only slightly, I looked casually away and drawled, "Oh, around minus 40 degrees" not bothering to specify the temperature scale. He could turn the crank on the math but was not a science student. He certainly expected that number to sound warmer in German. I could see the shock when he came up with the answer.

A fine kid who became fast friends with my son. Alas, he was killed in a motorcycle accident some years after returning home. Rest in Peace, Joachim. We still miss you.


----------



## Fattitude1

Poor Darth Vader can't get a date....... Seems he was looking for love in Alderaan places


----------



## smithnwesson

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home!"


----------



## smithnwesson

This guy and his girl friend were watching a movie on TV while his dog was licking himself.

"Damn, I wish I could do that", he said.

She replied, "Go right ahead, he's your dog".


----------



## Fattitude1

Took a really hard calculus test today..Now I can barely function


----------



## moore2me

me need stuff here 

View attachment airport line.jpg


----------



## Fattitude1

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.


----------



## smithnwesson

(Apologies to the girls: No insult intended.)

Q: How are women like hurricanes?

A: When the come they're hot and wet; when they leave they take your house and car.

 -Jim


----------



## Fattitude1

One of his:
A football coach, holding a football, asks his quarterback, "Son, can you pass this?" The player says, "Coach, I don't even think I can swallow it."


----------



## smithnwesson

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a pack of clowns?

A: Go for the juggler.


----------



## Fattitude1

Ja hear about the pig with an unusual rash? He needed a special oinkment.


----------



## smithnwesson

This guy picks up a waitress from a Chinese restaurant. They're back at his place going at it hot and heavy when he says, "Ya know, I wouldn't mind a little 69 right now".

She says, "WHAT? You want Beef with Broccoli? NOW?

- Jim


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

smithnwesson said:


> Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a pack of clowns?
> 
> A: Go for the juggler.



Do you know why cannibals won't eat clowns?










They taste funny


----------



## smithnwesson

^ ^ ^ ^ {Groan} 

A medical joke:

Two doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you really know how to use your equipment." 

The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

- Jim


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

From one of my daughters:



Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
















A: Pilgrims


----------



## Ernest Nagel

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.



He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.



He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. 



He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.



The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one arm man asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"



He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."



(Heart-warming stories like that just make one want to cry. :sad


----------



## moore2me

I need to type something here. 

View attachment slip off.jpg


----------



## smithnwesson

Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey! Look at that S-car go!"

- Jim


----------



## smithnwesson

Q: What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?

A: I apologize, I'm just a little horse.


----------



## Fattitude1

Went to IHOP and had the haunted French pancakes... they gave me the crepes


----------



## smithnwesson

Q: If women with large breasts work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?

A: IHOP


----------



## moore2me

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on 
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


----------



## prplecat

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

smithnwesson said:


> Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.
> 
> Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey! Look at that S-car go!"
> 
> - Jim



That sounds like that same joke told in Trading Places


----------



## CastingPearls

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> That sounds like that same joke told in Trading Places


Actually, it was a favorite of my sister's when she was in second grade.


----------



## smithnwesson

Welllllllll...... I never claimed to be Henny Youngman.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
> A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
> 
> On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
> 
> "What?" said the puzzled groom.
> 
> "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
> 
> "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
> 
> Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
> 
> Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
> 
> Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
> 
> Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
> 
> Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
> 
> Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
> 
> Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
> 
> Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
> 
> Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
> 
> "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
> 
> "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



And then the lawyer said "Didn't you have another husband too - an astronomer? And all he wanted to do was look at Uranus?"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Ho Ho Tai said:


> And then the lawyer said "Didn't you have another husband too - an astronomer? And all he wanted to do was look at Uranus?"



Oh that's good....

*still chuckling wickedly*


----------



## kaylaisamachine

So hopefully no one has posted this cheesy joke yet, but it makes me laugh everytime so here it goes:

what did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?

...BISON!


----------



## moore2me

another picture joke 

View attachment losing your teeth.jpg


----------



## Ernest Nagel

DONALD & DAISY

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.


So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"


----------



## smithnwesson

Donald and Daisy were in court for a divorce hearing.

Donald was on the witness stand and the judge asked, "Let me get this straight Mr. Duck, you want a divorce because your wife is insane?

Donald replied, "No, Your Honor: I said she was fucking Goofy".

- Jim


----------



## moore2me

This is our new state rain gauge that we're using this summer . . . .it's off a glass coke bottle. 

View attachment ARKANSAS RAIN GAUGEQ (1) (640x399) (400x249).jpg


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

moore2me said:


> This is our new state rain gauge that we're using this summer . . . .it's off a glass coke bottle.



I think I see some ants in it. Is that Noah's Ark-ansas?


----------



## moore2me

Ho Ho Tai said:


> I think I see some ants in it. Is that Noah's Ark-ansas?



Yeah, but the ants are building it theirselves. The only other critters they will take on are bedbuds (for snacks).


----------



## Fattitude1

Got kicked out of the swimming pool yesterday. Apparently the 'breaststroke' isn't what I thought it was...


----------



## WhiteHotRazor

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number you've probably never heard of it.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Q: How do mules get into a locked barn?

































A: They use DonKeys


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Q: How do mules get into a locked barn?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A: They use DonKeys



Q: What kind of cereal do they eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
DonKey Oaties


----------



## daddyoh70

Ho Ho Tai said:


> And then the lawyer said "Didn't you have another husband too - an astronomer? And all he wanted to do was look at Uranus?"



48 years old and that still makes me laugh like a 4th grader  Thanks Ho Ho :bow: I owe you rep for this.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

daddyoh70 said:


> 48 years old and that still makes me laugh like a 4th grader  Thanks Ho Ho :bow: I owe you rep for this.



There's a bit of background to that joke. When I was 15 y.o. (60 years ago) I bought the telescope which I have to this day (see 'Venus Transit' post).
I was a pretty good amateur astronomer at the time, helping out at the college observatory and eventually taking over as 'curator' - sort of - for public nights. 

I was out in the yard one evening, viewing this and that, while some of the older kids were having a party in the house across the street. Louis, though older than I was, was a pretty good friend. We had many talks about astronomy and such. His date happened to look out the window, saw me with my telescope, and asked Louis what I was doing. Louis, trying to sound scientific, explained that "He is looking at Uranus." His date, not having a clue about astronomy, but knowing her ass from a hole in the ground, took it to mean that I was ogling her and was appropriately shocked. Louis smoothed it all over, told me the story, and we had a good laugh about it.

This nomenclature became something of a problem in the world (or universe) of professional astronomy also. At a certain point, someone decided to change the name from 'Ur-ANUS' to 'UR-anus' which unfortunately came out sounding like URINE-us. I think that the current preferred pronunciation is something like 'Ur-RAN-us'. Poor planet, to suffer such indignities at the hands of us humans.

Mrs Grundy has a way of showing up in unexpected places. There is a town in Wisconsin, Alma, which is famous as a stop-over for Tundra Swans as they head for their breeding grounds in the far north. The town had a website and link so that potential visitors could keep track of the bird population. The site had the address [email protected]. Unfortunately, someone's screening software picked it up as SW-ANAL[email protected] and screened it out as a porn site. While you can still reach the site via that link, it re-directs you to http://www.almaswanwatch.org/index.asp. Same site, different address. No porn involved. Incidentally, a great place to visit at the right time of year.


----------



## moore2me

daddyoh70 said:


> 48 years old and that still makes me laugh like a 4th grader  Thanks Ho Ho :bow: I owe you rep for this.



Daddyoh, You see what happens when you encourage him? (the Mrs Grundy story)


----------



## daddyoh70

But if I don't encourage, how else will I get to here these great stories. Especially the ones about Uranus? :doh: He seems to be rubbing off on me though, I'm usually a man of few words and now he has me telling stories about lightning and poetry


----------



## moore2me

I like the state stereotypes. The guy is dead on in his Arkansas slogan - and I am pretty sure he nailed the Oklahoma on too. Listen for your state and see if he's right . . . . . 50 State Stereotypes in 2 Minutes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h68UJaHvG_c&feature=related


And the people of Walmart are my tribe. See the glorious individuality put to music . . . . (No, I am not in this little production - at least I did not see me.) People of Walmart 2  The Music Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNzwgrtdBo8&feature=related


and, if you like People of Walmart 2 (above) you can also watch its predicessor - People of Walmart 1 - The Music Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?annota...&feature=iv&src_vid=rNzwgrtdBo8&v=YvxNgdFeWqM


----------



## daddyoh70

I'm more of a JDirty fan myself. Dude can spit some rhymes yo 

People of Walmart 1

People of Walmart 2


----------



## smithnwesson

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham you can ignore and delete it. 

It's Spam.

- Jim


----------



## smithnwesson

My wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what the fuck she was talking about -- the fridge is working just fine.

Wimmens! ?????? 

 -Jim


----------



## RabbitScorpion

It has recently been determined that life definitely did exist (and may still exist) on Mars. 

A cat that was roaming the Martian surface suddenly died when it was crushed by an unmanned spacecraft from Earth that landed on it.

Newspaper headline: *CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT*


----------



## Fattitude1

Grammatical term when describing improper use of the English language: 

"Anti-semantic"


----------



## Fattitude1

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that fi...eld over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocke
t, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"


----------



## smithnwesson




----------



## smithnwesson

I don't mean to be monopolizing this thread. Just one more and I'll shut up:

A second grade class went on a field trip to a farm. The next day the teacher asked her students what sounds they remembered.

Mary: The chickens said cluck-cluck-cluck.

Jane: The cows said moo-moo-moo.

Little Johnny: The farmer said Hey! You little asshole, get off that fuckin' tractor.

- Jim


----------



## WhiteHotRazor

A guy in a bar pukes all over his shirt, he tells the bartender “ Man, I puked on my shirt I don't know what to do ,If my wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

the bartender asks if he's got a 20 dollar bill the guy says "yes" and pulls out a $20, the bartender sticks the $20 in the guys pocket. "just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. she asks “Why are there two twenties? ”.

The guy replies, “well, he shit in my pants, too.”


----------



## Ruby Ripples

I come from a big family and when I was little my parents were so poor that they clothed us from the Army & Navy Stores. 

It was terrible going to school as a Japanese Admiral.


----------



## Fattitude1

FYI - If a Police officer asks "Have you been drinking?", never respond with "Are you buying?"


----------



## smithnwesson

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." 

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says, fuck you. You don't have the balls to pull the trigger." 

 -Jim


----------



## hostesshoho

2 bums sitting a park watching a dog clean his private parts, the one bum says to the other "Geee I wish I could do that" The other bum says, "well you better pet him first"


----------



## smithnwesson

^ ^ ^ ^  Good one!

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog.


----------



## ataraxia

smithnwesson said:


> ^ ^ ^ ^  Good one!
> 
> Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
> A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog.



Hah, a good friend of mine is blind and used to be a regular skydiver. (Not these days, though - I think he's "grown up" a bit much since then.) You can read this story about him: http://www.dropzone.com/forum/Skydiving_C1/General_Skydiving_Discussions_F18/Dan_Rossi_story_P678735/


----------



## Fattitude1

Innuendo: 
An Italian rectal thermometer


----------



## MaryClaire

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

.
.
.
.
.
.

An investigator!!!

HAHAHA I love that joke!!


----------



## smithnwesson

State Trooper pulls a hillbilly over and asks him, "You got any ID?"

" 'bout whut?"


----------



## Fattitude1

Gross Motor Skill:

The ability to suck a spark plug out of an engine.


----------



## smithnwesson

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

I was told to never come back to KFC again.


----------



## bobduhh

Q: What's better than roses on your piano?

A: Tulips on your organ.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

I had to fire my proctologist. We just didn't see eye to eye.


----------



## Fattitude1

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. 
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why, they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I cant stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.


----------



## RabbitScorpion

abominable (n.)
Device which, when detonated, scatters half a ton of beef chunks in every direction.


----------



## kaylaisamachine

What do you call a bear without teeth? 




A GUMMY BEAR! 



bahahahahahahaha oh jeez, I crack myself up with that one.


----------



## smithnwesson

Time for a Christmas joke.

Three guys died at the same time and arrived before St Peter together. St Peter said, Since it is so near Christmas, weve got a special deal for yall. Regardless of your sins, you can go to heaven but you just must produce something at shows that you have the Christmas spirit

Guy #1: (pulling out a Zippo and lighting it) This is a candle.
St Pete: Great! Welcome to heaven, my son.
Guy #2: (shaking his car keys) These are bells.
St Pete: Excellent! Welcome to heaven, my son.
Guy #3: (pulling a pair of women panties out of his pocket) These are carols.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Took the grandkids to see 'The Nutcracker' last night.
Poor 'Clara'! Stress incontinence. Constantly pirouwetting.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Here's one a neighbor (and fisherman) told at our community picnic.

"A young woman was sitting in a fishing boat, surrounded by all sorts of tackle and lures. She was't fishing - she was reading a book.

The boat was sitting in a part of the lake clearly posted 'No Fishing".

Along come the game warden.

Warden: "I'm going to have to arrest you. You're fishing in a "No Fishing" zone."

Y.L.: "I'm not fishing. I'm reading a book."

Warden: "I'm still going to arrest you for a fishing violation. You have all the right equipment".

Y.L. "If you arrest me, I'll charge you with rape."

Warden: "Why, that's silly! How do you think you'll prove it?"

Y.L: "You've got all the right equipment."


----------



## quackman

How many times do you need to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

It takes ten tickles.


----------



## Fattitude1

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


----------



## smithnwesson

GUTS is when you come home from a night out with the boys and your wife meets you at the door with a broom and you say, Have you just finished cleaning or are you gonna fly somewhere?

BALLS is when you come home from a night out with the boys smelling like beer and perfume with lipstick on your shirt. When your wife meets you at the door, you slap her on her ass and say, Youre next, chubby.

(NOTE: If I did either, Id have only seconds to live!)

 -Jim


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

smithnwesson said:


> GUTS is when you come home from a night out with the boys and your wife meets you at the door with a broom and you say, Have you just finished cleaning or are you gonna fly somewhere?
> 
> BALLS is when you come home from a night out with the boys smelling like beer and perfume with lipstick on your shirt. When your wife meets you at the door, you slap her on her ass and say, Youre next, chubby.
> 
> (NOTE: If I did either, Id have only seconds to live!)
> 
> -Jim



Minor differences in our household.
1. If I go out for the evening, Mrs Ho Ho is with me - and I'm the guy with the broom.

2. Mrs Ho Ho is 1st, 2nd, . . . and last. (actually, I seldom make it to the 2nd.)


----------



## smithnwesson

We should resurrect this thread. 

A state trooper knocks on this guy's door and says, "Sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck. The guy says, "Yeah, I know, but she's a wonderful cook."


----------



## luvmybhm

knock knock:
who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
That's right.

that's for all my fellow Whovians!


----------



## CPProp

Do you believe in safe sex? 

Yes - thats why Ive got scaffolding around the bed and wear an arrest harness.


----------



## Wayne_Zitkus

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A - "Here come elephants over hill".

Q - What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

A - Nothing - he didn't recognize them.


----------



## luvmybhm

here is an elephant joke

why don't elephants use computers?

they are afraid of the mouse...

hahahaha


----------



## CPProp

Ist person - Ive got a clock that goes tick tock, 

2nd person Ive got a clock that goes tick tock, to 

Ist person oh mine does not go tick tock to it only goes tick tock.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

CPProp said:


> Ist person - Ive got a clock that goes tick tock,
> 
> 2nd person Ive got a clock that goes tick tock, to
> 
> Ist person oh mine does not go tick tock to it only goes tick tock.



I suspect that most of you weren't around in the 1940's - '50s. Here is an old song from then that perfectly answers your joke.
The Syncopated Clock

First Performed in 1945
Lyrics Added in 1950

There was a man like you and me, as simple as a man could ever be;
And he was happy as a king, except for one peculiar thing.
He had a clock that worked all right,
It worked all right, but not exactly quite;
Instead of going "tick, tock, tick", the crazy clock went "tock, tick, tock".
The poor old man just raved and raved, because nobody could say why his silly clock
behaved that hickory dickory way.
But now a famous man is he,
He owns a public curiosity;
From far and wide people flock to hear THE SYNCOPATED CLOCK.
Tick-a-tock, tick-a-tock,
There's a zing in the swing of that clock,
Tock-a-tick, tock-a-tick,
Don't you think it's marvelous trick?
Ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling,
There's a zong in the bong of that ring,
Ling-a-ting, ling-a-ting,
Don't you think it's a wonderful thing?
The experts came to hear and see,
But none of them could solve the mystery,
They called Professor Einstein too,
He said "There's nothing I can do."
But soon the fickle human race will find another freak to take its place,
And one fine day the man will hock the poor old SYNCOPATED CLOCK.


----------



## swamptoad

What do you get when you cross an owl and a goat?

A hoot 'n nanny!


----------



## CPProp

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, Have you got anything for wind? So he gave me a kite.


----------



## Donna

Two antennas got married the other day. The wedding was ho hum, but the reception was phenomenal!


----------



## swamptoad

Q. What do you call a bear with no teeth?


A. A gummy bear


----------



## CPProp

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she says, &#8232;A male voice responds, "The blind man." 

After a few moments of deliberation the Mother Superior says, "Come in." &#8232;The man enters and says, "Nice figure, Where do you want me to hang the blind?"


----------



## smithnwesson

CPProp said:


> Do you believe in safe sex? . . .









(I might get in trouble for this.)


----------



## swamptoad

Several college students, who were on break with their drinks and snacks assembled in a room and were gloating about their geekiness. One person said that he was a whiz at mathematics because of how fast he could multiply very large numbers in his head. The next person said that she was a whiz at words because she could find a simile or antonym for all sorts of words. The last person said I really don't have any words to express how I am feeling right now nor the time to allow myself to do so. But I will say that those 6 bottles of Dr. Pepper might make a whiz of me if I don't find the bathroom soon enough.


----------



## CPProp

An English teacher wrote these words on the board: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


----------



## smithnwesson

The pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him. The cardinals called in an old physician and after an hour long examination he came up with a solution.

"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The pope has a rare testicular disorder. The good news: He can be cured.....with sex." 

The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the pope. 

"I'll agree to it," says the pope." But under four conditions." The cardinals were shocked." What are the four conditions?" asks one. 

"First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. 

Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. 

And third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one." 

After a long pause, a cardinal asks, "And the fourth condition:" 

"Big tits."


----------



## swamptoad

Q: Whats a light-year?
A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories.


----------



## CPProp

Teacher: Sarah can you tell me anything about life before the Iron age 

Sarah: yes miss  all the cloths were creased and crumpled


----------



## swamptoad

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.


----------



## CPProp

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.


----------



## luvmybhm

1st guy -for a really good piano, forget the steinway...you should get a henway.

2nds guy -what's a henway?

1st guy -about 8 pounds...


bah-dah-dum. i'm here til thursday...tip your waitresses....


----------



## loopytheone

luvmybhm said:


> 1st guy -for a really good piano, forget the steinway...you should get a henway.
> 
> 2nds guy -what's a henway?
> 
> 1st guy -about 8 pounds...
> 
> 
> bah-dah-dum. i'm here til thursday...tip your waitresses....



...I don't get it and now I am sad.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

^^^ Loopy- what does a "hen weigh?"


This is an oldie but goody

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? 

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.


What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? 

Sexual harassment 



What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? 

$3.99 a minute.



What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 

Erotic is when you use a feather. 

Kinky is when you use the whole chicken. 



What is the difference between medium and rare? 

Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


----------



## smithnwesson

This middle aged schoolteacher had always done everything by the book, but one day she got a wild hair up her ass and decided to get some tattoos. 

She went to the best tattoo artist that she could find and told him she wanted Johnny Depp on the inside of her right thigh and Leonardo Dicaprio on the inside of the left one.

When the artist had finished he held up a mirror for her to examine them.

You asshole!, she screamed, You have disfigured me for life. Nobody could ever recognize these men.  

They argued for a while and finally decided to test it by grabbing the next person who walked by the shop. It turned out to be a drunk. The teacher spread her legs and the tattoo guy shoved the drunks face down into the area. 

Who are these guys?, he asked.

Well, I dont know them guys on the sides but thatn in the middle looks like Willie Nelson.


----------



## CPProp

A chap has his bonnet up and is looking despondent at his engine. 
A drunk come by and asks him what the problem is, the chap just says piston broke, the drunk replies so am, I pissed and broke


----------



## moore2me

Two old friends were crazy about baseball. The men were getting up in age and decided to make a agreement - whichever man died first would come back in a dream and let his pal know if there was baseball in heaven. Both thought this was a fine idea.

Well, time came and the first friend died. A week later, sure enough he appeared in a dream to his buddy. "Hi old man! You wanted to know if there is baseball in heaven? Well, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

His friend (who was still alive) said - I'll take the good news first! His dead friend said "the good news is, Yes there is baseball in heaven!" The living friend said ""that's great. Okay now, what's the bad news?"

His dead friend said .... "You're pitching in Friday's game."


----------



## CPProp

Conjunctivitis.com  thats a site for sore eyes


----------



## swamptoad

Dry erase boards are remarkable.


----------



## CPProp

Ive just bought a new Pye mobile phone  its a cross between and apple and a blackberry.


----------



## smithnwesson

A plane crossing the Atlantic was getting ready to crash.

I female passenger stood up, ripped all of her clothes off and shouted: "If I'm going to die, I would like to go out feeling like a real woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make that happen?"

A guy stood up, pulled off his shirt and said: "Here ya go. Iron this".


----------



## moore2me

smithnwesson said:


> A plane crossing the Atlantic was getting ready to crash.
> 
> I female passenger stood up, ripped all of her clothes off and shouted: "If I'm going to die, I would like to go out feeling like a real woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make that happen?"
> 
> A guy stood up, pulled off his shirt and said: "Here ya go. Iron this".



SmithnWesson,* You are the Man! That joke is hilarious.*

M2M :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:


----------



## smithnwesson

Thanks, m2m. Soooo......where's my fucking rep?


----------



## moore2me

smithnwesson said:


> Thanks, m2m. Soooo......where's my fucking rep?



It should be there by now. I had some shirts to iron first.


----------



## smithnwesson

Very cute!!!!


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A: a rip off 


Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. 



Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?


A: Because they're plugged into a genius!


----------



## smithnwesson

(This one is kinda long, but bear with me. . .)

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'


----------



## Saisha

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now......................................


----------



## FionaForemost

A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender yells, "Get the hell out! We don't serve your type in here!"

The mushroom says, "What's the problem? I'm a fungi!"


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Saisha said:


> Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
> 
> The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
> 
> I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
> Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
> 
> Guess where I am now......................................



LOL good one!


----------



## CleverBomb

FionaForemost said:


> A mushroom walks into a bar.
> 
> The bartender yells, "Get the hell out! We don't serve your type in here!"
> 
> The mushroom says, "What's the problem? I'm a fungi!"


That was in spore taste...


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

CleverBomb said:


> That was in spore taste...



I still haven't gotten the original joke but that made me smile


----------



## CleverBomb

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I still haven't gotten the original joke but that made me smile


 Fungi -> "fun guy"


----------



## CPProp

Ive just sold my vacuum cleaner ........it was only gathering dust


----------



## luvmybhm

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
> 
> A: a rip off
> 
> 
> Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
> 
> A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
> 
> 
> 
> Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
> 
> 
> A: Because they're plugged into a genius!



lmao! i don't even have one and that first joke made me cringe...lol.


----------



## CPProp

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide,holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fu*k him'


----------



## smithnwesson

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


----------



## Fattitude1

I got a jar and tried to catch some fog.

But I mist.


----------



## smithnwesson

When asked why they sometimes spanked newborn babies, an OB-GYN nurse replied, "They're knocking the penises off of the intelligent ones".


----------



## luvmybhm

you can never trust an atom...they make up everything


----------



## CPProp

A couple of sick jokes from way back in time:-

Little girl - Mummy ,Mummy I hate Georges guts.
Mum &#8211; alright then, leave them on the side of the plate.


Little boy - Mummy Mummy why do I keep going round in circles ?
Mum &#8211; Shut up or I’ll nail the other foot to the floor.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"


----------



## smithnwesson

Haaaaaaaa! Consider that stolen property.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

smithnwesson said:


> Haaaaaaaa! Consider that stolen property.




Lol it is- I found it on a google search 

Okay okay- how about this one instead?

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


----------



## luvmybhm

i love corny jokes...

why did the duck cross the road?

the chicken egged him on.


ba-dum-dum. (cymbal crash)


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Why did the pervert cross the street?






His d-ck was stuck in the chicken


----------



## Fuzzy

A blonde was caught speeding in her red corvette by a blonde cop.
She asked the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde in the corvette searched through her purse and told the officer that she couldn't find it, and asked what it looked like.

"Its square and has your picture on it.", replied the cop.

The blonde searched again and found a square mirror, which sure enough had her picture. She handed the mirror to the officer.

"Oh, You're free to go. I didn't know you were also a cop."


----------



## smithnwesson

A lady got on a bus with her baby. The bus driver said, "Hey, I have to tell you, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen".

The lady was very upset but moved on back to take her seat. The guy next to her asked what was wrong. She replied that the driver had insulted her.

The guy said, "You shouldn't tolerate that kind of shit. Go back up there and straighten him out. Here, I'll hold your monkey".


----------



## wrenchboy

From Letterman years ago (when he was still funny)
A study was done to find the places where the thinnest and the fatest people in America live. The people in Houston Texas are so fat that they are considering changing the name of the baseball team to the Houston Fatasstros.


Oh, come on now! Who else is moving to Houston with me!


On a serious note though. I would appreciate that if people would only post slightly humorous jokes on this thread. I for one would not want any jokes that would cause any big beautiful asses to be laughed off. Thanks for your consideration.


----------



## wrenchboy

What do you call 2 Mexicans on a fire truck? 


Hose a and hose b.


That was told to me by a rommate a born and raised Mexican named Jose. And for the next 3 years that I knew him I called him hose b!


----------



## wrenchboy

A country man decides to visit the big city for the first time. He goes to the bar on the top floor of his hotel. It is late so the only other people in the bar is the bartender and a man in a suit. 
Country man orders up a beer and starts chatting with the suit. The suit says " hey, come over here by the window. I want to show you something. " Country walks over.
Suit says" cool thing about these tall buildings is the way the wind moves around. Let me show you what I mean" as he opens the window. "The wind winds around the buildings and sometimes creats an updraft." As the suit sits on the edge of the window he continues" you see there is so much wind you can do something like this..." as the suit falls out the window. Country screams and looks out the window to see the suit fall almost all the way to the ground and then gently floats back up in the window. 
"WOW! That is absolutely the most amazing thing I have ever seen! "
"Why don't you try it." Says the suit.
"Naw, I could never do that."
"Oh, come on. All you do is fall out the window and the wind pushes you back in."
"Ah, what the hell. I did come here for adventure."as he finishes off his beer. 
Country sits on the edge for a moment and lets go. 
The suit looks out the window and sees country fall all the way to the ground.SPLAT, and casually closes the window and walks back to the bar and orders another drink.
Bartender says" Damm Superman, you are mean when you are drunk!"


----------



## wrenchboy

What do you call a couple of boys with no arms and no legs caught in the window hangings? 




Curt and Rod


----------



## wrenchboy

Trying to bump your thread green fairy

A Blonde calls a travel agent. "How long does it take to get from New York to Los Angeles? "

The travel agent replies "Just a minute.."

The blonde says "Thank you! " and hangs up.


----------



## wrenchboy

What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson motorcycle? 

The location of the dirtbag.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Thank you WB 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Why did she go to the other side? To go to the bar.

Why did she go to the bar? To go to the toilet.

Why did she go to the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out.


----------



## CleverBomb

And you complain about MY puns! 

Sheesh.

LOL


----------



## shadowedmorning

All right, corny joke, but one of my favorites. 

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here, you need to leave. No strings allowed."

The string walks outside, ruffles his thread a little, wraps himself up, and walks back inside. Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?"

String says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

>.>


----------



## smithnwesson

Q: What should you do if attacked by a group of clowns?
A: Go for the juggler.


----------



## CPProp

Two Nuns taking a hot bath one turns to the other and asks wheres the soap the other replied it doesnt it.


----------



## wrenchboy

Now that NASCAR season is coming to an end, does anybody know what NASCAR stands for? It's an acronym. For the true fans, an acronym is a group of initials that are pronounced as a word. Like a few years ago after the space shuttle exploded NASA stood for Need Another Seven Astronots. FORD Fix Or Repair Daily News and so on.
NASCAR
Non
Athletic
Sport
Centered
Around
Rednecks


----------



## wrenchboy

A teenage boy comes home from school all excited. "Mom! I just got laid today! " Mom scolds her son, sends him up to his room and tells his father will deal with it when he comes home. 
Father goes to the boy and shuts the door. "Between you and me, I am so proud of you! But I have to ground you to keep your mother happy."
The next day the father comes home after bragging about his son all day. "Son, did you get laid again today? "
"No, Dad, my ass hurts too much from yesterday!"


----------



## smithnwesson

How guys get sent to sex sensitivity training:

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

SmithnWesson- I really like those...especially the cow one


----------



## moore2me

smithnwesson said:


> How guys get sent to sex sensitivity training:
> 
> I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
> 
> The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
> 
> Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
> 
> My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
> 
> The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
> 
> *A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"*
> 
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
> 
> My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


 

You had me on the ironing joke.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a 100 dollar bill, and gives it to him "Awww, honey, you're so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember now, this happens only this once. OK?" The husband can't believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, "Gail says this is not enough, she wants five hundred." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Why that damn bitch. When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him a hundred!"


----------



## wrenchboy

Superman is flying over the city and sees Wonderwoman lying naked on a rooftop. He has been trying to get her to go to bed with him to no avail. So he decides to fly down there and have his way with her at super speed and is gone before she knows what hits her.
"What the hell was that!" Wonderwoman exclaims. 
The invisible man replies "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell!"


----------



## smithnwesson

An American tourist in Ireland goes into a pub and announces, "I hear y'all are big drinkers. I'll bet 5000 &#8364; that none of you can drink 30 Guinnesses in 30 minutes." 

They all shook their heads except for one guy who left. A little while later he comes back and says, "Hey Yank, that bet still on?"

The American said it was and they set up the 30 glasses of stout on the bar. The guy goes down the line downing one after another until they were all gone. He had about 15 seconds left.

The American paid up and asked if he was the guy who left earlier.

"I was", he replied. "5000 &#8364; Is a lot of money to me, so I went to the pub across the street to make sure that I could really do it."


----------



## wrenchboy

A couple of boys from backwoods Kentucky went into a recruiting office. 
"Weez wantin tu join up wit yo miltary" 
One of the recruiters asks"What job experience do you have?"
One boy says "I iz a pileut"
The Air Force recruiter gets excited "Fantastic! The Air Force is always in need of pilots! You will be making lots of money and women will be throwing themselves at you! Come right this way and we will get you started right away." As the recruiter leads him off.
"And what about you?" They ask the other boy.
"I chop wood!" He says proudly with his chest stuck out and a toothless grin.
The Army recruiter says "It's infantry for you. Low pay and no girls."
"But wait sir! Me an my kin, weez a team!"
Army laughs. "This is the modern world, son! We don't need any body to chop wood!"
The boy protests again "No, weez a team! I chop da wood. And he pileut!"


----------



## biodieselman

wrenchboy said:


> What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson motorcycle?
> 
> The location of the dirtbag.



What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?

You can get *two* dirtbags on a Harley.



How are Harleys and hounddogs alike?

Both ride in the bed of the truck.


----------



## luvmybhm

a priest, a cowboy and an undertaker walk into a bar together...

bartender looks at them and says 'what, is this some sort of joke?'


----------



## CPProp

What do you call a Nun on a unicycle?

Virgin on the ridiculous


----------



## smithnwesson

...you've been warned!

A seriously depressed woman stood at the edge of a cliff, trying work up the nerve to jump. 

A passing homeless guy stopped and said, "Since you're gonna to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" 

The woman said, "Hell no! Get away from me you crazy asshole!" 

The bum said, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom". 

(I told ya. Didn't I tell ya? I told ya.)


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

smithnwesson said:


> ...you've been warned!
> 
> A seriously depressed woman stood at the edge of a cliff, trying work up the nerve to jump.
> 
> A passing homeless guy stopped and said, "Since you're gonna to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
> 
> The woman said, "Hell no! Get away from me you crazy asshole!"
> 
> The bum said, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
> 
> (I told ya. Didn't I tell ya? I told ya.)


This actually took me a minute- then I loved it


----------



## moore2me

biodieselman said:


> What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?
> 
> You can get *two* dirtbags on a Harley.
> 
> 
> 
> How are Harleys and hounddogs alike?
> 
> Both ride in the bed of the truck.


 

Bio, Cute jokes. You know who would really appreciate them? Bikers. I suggest you go to your local biker bar (take Stan) and order some brewskis. Tell the crowd your Harley jokes (add more if you have them). I guarantee you guys will get a warm reception. And when the biker babes get thru talking about the subject, the men will take a turn.


----------



## BCHolly

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

... it turned into a field x


----------



## smithnwesson

Two friends, one 80YO and the other 87YO, were having their morning coffee on a park bench. The 87YO had just finished his morning mile run and was only a little winded.

How do you keep yourself in such good shape?, asked the 80YO.

Rye bread, he replied, at least six slices every day. Itll keep you fit and turn you into a sexual Tyrannosaur.

The 80YO stopped by a bakery on his way home and asked the girl if they had any rye. She pointed to a shelf full of it. 

Fine, said the guy, give me five loaves.

Whatever, she said, but if you buy five loaves at once, its be hard before you get to the third one.

Jesus Christ, am I the only one who didnt know about this shit?, asked the guy.


----------



## CPProp

As the chap said to the blind prostitute  Ive got to hand it to you


----------



## smithnwesson

Very cute!


----------



## Tracii

A baby seal walks into a club.


----------



## luvmybhm

what do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

frostbitten


----------



## CPProp

10 blokes were invited to the local sperm bank.
Seven of them travelled by car and thee come in a bus.


----------



## moore2me

CPProp said:


> 10 blokes were invited to the local sperm bank.
> Seven of them travelled by car and thee come in a bus.


 

CPProp, I am always curious, so here goes . . . . Could the three who came in a bus just as well come in a subway car?


----------



## CPProp

moore2me said:


> CPProp, I am always curious, so here goes . . . . Could the three who came in a bus just as well come in a subway car?




Im sure they could have done, but its probably more bouncy on the top of a double decker


----------



## CPProp

Old silly winter joke:

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep ….. a woolly jumper


----------



## smithnwesson

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

CEO: I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first.

Lawyer: Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million.

CEO: Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?

Lawyer: They're photos of you screwing your secretary.


----------



## biggirlsrock

Did you hear about the actress who stabbed her man? Reese...

Witherspoon?

No. With a knife!!!


----------



## CPProp

A group no gooders arrived at 'The Pearly Gates' and asked to be allowed in but the man said he had to ask God first.... and God said loudly "NO".

The gate man went back and no sooner had he got back God rang him and asked "Have they gone"?

"YES said the gate-man.... and so have the gates"..........


----------



## luvmybhm

Q: how do you pay a mohel?

A: he works for tips

ba-da-dum. i'm here til tuesday. don't forget to tip your waitress. 

get it...tip your waitress? lol.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

luvmybhm said:


> Q: how do you pay a mohel?
> 
> A: he works for tips
> 
> ba-da-dum. i'm here til tuesday. don't forget to tip your waitress.
> 
> get it...tip your waitress? lol.



Reminds me of a story by Alexander King in one of his many books ("May This House Be Safe From Tigers" or some such).

"A traveler is going through Russia, by train. He notices that his watch has stopped. When the train stops in the next little town, he walks the streets, looking for a watch repairman. He comes to a shop with clocks and watches in the window. He enters.

There is an old, bearded man sitting on a stool, reading the Torah. The traveler speaks to him "My watch has stopped. Can you fix it?

The old man shakes his head and goes back to his Torah. The man repeats the question. Again the old man shakes his head, but offers this explaination. "I can't fix watches. I am the village mohel. I circumcise the village children."

Traveler: "But why do you have those watches in the window?"

Mohel: "So what would you put in the window?'

ba-da-dum.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

This is actually an old Minnesota joke but it better fits Boston this year (2015).

How do you know when it's spring in Boston?
The cars are starting to show through the snow.

How do you know when it's summer in Boston?
The dog turds are starting to show through the snow.


----------



## CPProp

They have erected a new electric fence around Buckingham Palace &#8211; its the defence of the realm


----------



## luvmybhm

did you know all frogs are of european descent? yep. they are all a tad polish. :happy:


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

luvmybhm said:


> did you know all frogs are of european descent? yep. they are all a tad polish. :happy:



Huh? I don't get it :blush: and I'm half-French, a member of a culture often referred to as frogs. I admit that we French do have some polish.


----------



## RabbitScorpion

Procyon threatened my life the other day.

I'm not worried, he really isn't Sirius.


----------



## luvmybhm

Ho Ho Tai said:


> Huh? I don't get it :blush: and I'm half-French, a member of a culture often referred to as frogs. I admit that we French do have some polish.




ho ho...lol. baby frogs are called tadpoles...get it?


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

luvmybhm said:


> ho ho...lol. baby frogs are called tadpoles...get it?



Hoist by my own petard, eh? Hey - I'm supposed to be the Punster around here (an earlier handle). OK - so one is never too old to teach - or to learn.


----------



## CPProp

Little boy notices his friend has a brand new Rolex watch.

Ist boy : What a super watch Id like one like that, How did you get it?. 

2nd boy: Simple, what I did was walk in on my parents when they were making wild passionate love. To keep me quite and not tell anyone what they got up to they promised me this watch  brilliant isnt it.  you should try bursting in on your parents.

Next night 1st boy enters his parents room while they are making wild passionate love. 

Mum: what is it? what do you want?

1st Boy I want a watch.

Mum: OK sit over there and keep quite.


----------



## FreeThinker

Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a night. 

_Set_ a man _on_ fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life. 






It's true.


----------



## luvmybhm

i was watching a promo for the new muppet show that will air on abc soon. one of the clips is a really bad joke by fozzy bear

Q: what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

A: half-way

ba-da-dum. wocha-wocha-wocha!


----------



## smithnwesson

My girl friend sat on my glasses and broke them...



...it was my fault, I should have taken them off.


----------



## wrenchboy

A young blonde wanted to work at a home improvement store. At the interview the manager asked if she knew about hardware. "Oh yes " she smiles. I know all about hard-ware!"
Unfazed he asks "What is the difference between a nail, a bolt and a screw?"
The blonde replies "Well, I've been nailed and screwed, but I've never been bolted!"


----------



## wrenchboy

Smithnwesson, I wear glasses. Can she break mine?


----------



## wrenchboy

Don't feel bad about posting a rotten joke. All of Fozzys jokes are bad , that's part of the joke.


----------



## smithnwesson

wrenchboy said:


> Smithnwesson, I wear glasses. Can she break mine?


You'll have to ask her; I'm not a pimp.


----------



## luvmybhm

found this on a joke of the day site...

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine! one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
I am, replied the guide. But I think were in Canada now.


----------



## moore2me

This is one of my favorite jokes of the year! *Fozzy Bear and luvmybhm both earn two snaps and a salute* from moi.

Copy of the above giggle & snort inducing question . . . 


Q: what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

A: half-way

ba-da-dum. wocha-wocha-wocha!


----------



## biodieselman

*Q: Why are Harley's some of the safest bikes on the road?*
* A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself.... *​ 


_*Q-*_ *What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?*
*A- A pick-up truck.*


Q- Why do they have all those Harley billboards along the highway?​ A- So the owners will know how far it is to the next repair shop.​


----------



## FreeThinker

And in a similar vein:



Why do British Bikers drink warm beer?

Because Lucas makes refrigerators.


----------



## smithnwesson

This 90YO lady had an appointment with her doc. The doc noticed that she had an active birth control pill prescription. He questioned her about it.

Lady: They help me sleep better.

Doc: I've never read anything in the medical literature about BC meds helping people sleep.

Lady: Sure. I grind one up every morning and mix it into my 15YO granddaughter's orange juice. It helps me sleep better.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

FreeThinker said:


> And in a similar vein:
> 
> 
> 
> Why do British Bikers drink warm beer?
> 
> Because Lucas makes refrigerators.



My first car was a 1958 Jaguar XK150. It had Lucas lights. Lucas was known as the 'Prince of Darkness'.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

What do you call a bird that bombs your windshield?

A velocicraptor.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Why does a baby duck walk softly?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.because he can't walk hardly.


----------



## luvmybhm

i saw a buzzfeed thing with some corny jokes

Q: why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: too many cheetahs

Q: how many tickles to make an octopus laugh?
A: ten-tickles

Q: why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
A: it got stuck in a crack

Q: why did the bicycle fall over?
A: it was two tired


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

luvmybhm said:


> i saw a buzzfeed thing with some corny jokes
> 
> Q: why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
> A: it got stuck in a crack
> 
> Q: why did the bicycle fall over?
> A: it was two tired



My bike has fallen over a few times because I was too tired - too tired to avoid that dog on a leash or too tired to know what to do when my wheel got "stuck in a crack" I just "wiped out".


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Grandson (entering 'teens) approaches Grandpa and asks:
"Grandpa, do you remember the first time you had sex?"
Grandpa (thinking) "Son, I don't remember the last time I had sex."


----------



## CPProp

Patient: Doctor, Doctor one minute Im a bivouac and the next minute Im a wigwam what is wrong with me.

Doctor: I think your two tents


----------



## dwesterny

Hydrogen turns to his friend and says "I think I lost an electron!" The friend asks "Are you sure?"


Hydrogen replies "Yes, I'm positive."
______________________________________________

Piece of string walks into a bar, the bartender grunts and says "Get out of here, we don't serve pieces of string here!" The string walks outside and ties himself into a knot and messes his ends up. He then walks back in and orders a beer. The bartender looks him up and down asks "Are you that string that was just here before?" The string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
______________________________________________

I apologize that my jokes are just bad puns. I don't even find puns funny to be honest. In fact once I asked 10 friends to each tell me the best pun they knew to see if any could make me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

_______________________________________________
Bonus points if you know the joke that came from a Neil Gaiman book, and which book it was.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

dwesterny said:


> Hydrogen turns to his friend and says "I think I lost an electron!" The friend asks "Are you sure?"
> 
> 
> Hydrogen replies "Yes, I'm positive."
> 
> Reminds me of an old medical student joke. When Dr. Wasserman was in town lecturing, the students would call his hotel.
> "Is this Dr. Wasserman?"
> "Yes"
> "Are you positive?"
> 
> ______________________________________________
> Clifton Fadiman, beloved intellectual, word smith and punster, wrote prolifically in the mid-1950s. One of my favorites is Any Number Can Play, with several chapters devoted to the twists (and ways of twisting) the English Language including (of course) puns. Must reading for the inveterate (or would-be) punster.
> 
> Also recommended: almost anything by Charles Lamb who once stated that "A man's last breath should be inhaled through a pipe and exhaled in a pun."
> 
> ______________________________________________
> 
> I apologize that my jokes are just bad puns. I don't even find puns funny to be honest. In fact once I asked 10 friends to each tell me the best pun they knew to see if any could make me laugh.
> 
> No pun in ten did.
> 
> How else could I express my appreciation than through my signature? *Ho Ho **Ho Ho **Ho Ho Tai*
> 
> _______________________________________________


----------



## dwesterny

What is the internal temperature of a recently deceased taun taun on the planet Hoth?

Luke warm
__________________________________________________________________________

Neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer. Asks the bartender "How much do I owe you?" 

Bartender nods at the neutron and says "No charge"
__________________________________________________________________________

Higgs boson particle walks into church, the priest scowls and says "you're late, it's over"

Higgs Boson particle gasps and says "But you can't have mass without me!"
______________________________________________________________________

Guy comes home, hands his wife a dozen long stemmed roses. The wife looks at the roses, sighs and says "What now I guess you expect me to spread my legs?"

Guy replies "Why, don't you have a vase?"
_________________________________________________________________________


----------



## wrenchboy

The surgeon general several years ago advised people to start drinking apple and grape juice. Because OJ will kill you 
.

I know, outdated, but still true.


----------



## luvmybhm

my baby is seriously into knock knock jokes these days. these are a couple of her favorites:

Knock Knock
who's there....
little old lady
little old lady who?
i didn't know you could yodel

Knock Knock
who's there....
boo
boo who?
don't cry, this joke's not that bad


----------



## smithnwesson

These two women were discussing their Internet dating experiences. 

#1: The last date I had, the guy picked me up in a pristine 1954 Mercedes 300SL Gullwing.
#2 Holy crap! That thing must be worth a fortune. Lucky you!
#1 Not really, he bought it new.


----------



## biodieselman




----------



## dwesterny

Photon is checking into a hotel. The clerk asks "Any baggage we can bring up for you, sir?"

The photon replies "No I'm travelling light."
---------------------------
Did you hear about the Sith lord who ate a wookie steak for dinner?

He said it was Chewie.
-------------------------------------------
Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.
------------------------------------------
Helium walks into a bar, bartender shouts "Get out of my bar we don't serve noble gasses here!"

Helium does not react.


Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk


----------



## Rojodi

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?


----------



## dwesterny

A horse walks into a bar. 

The patrons recognizing the danger inherent in this situation edge slowly and quietly towards the exit.


----------



## dwesterny

What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.


----------



## FreeThinker

Two pigs are in a bathtub when one asks, "Could you give me the soap?"

The other pig responds, "What do I look like, a radio?"




















If anyone gets this, could you please explain it to me? Seriously, this joke has had me vexed, baffled and flummoxed for decades.


----------



## dwesterny

FreeThinker said:


> Two pigs are in a bathtub when one asks, "Could you give me the soap?"
> 
> The other pig responds, "What do I look like, a radio?"
> If anyone gets this, could you please explain it to me? Seriously, this joke has had me vexed, baffled and flummoxed for decades.



From Wikipedia:


> No soap, radio is a traditional punch line for a prank joke[citation needed]. The body of the joke is not related to the punch line itself, but is made out to be humorous by participants in the prank. The first known reference to this form of jokes was in the late 1940s.[1][not in citation given] The punch line is known for its use as a basic sociological and psychological experiment, specifically relating to mob mentality and the pressure to conform.[citation needed] The basic setup is similar to the Asch conformity experiments, in which people showed a proclivity to agree with a group despite their own judgments.
> 
> The setup involves at least two conspirators and a target, or "victim". One of the two conspirators, the "joke teller", will catch the attention of the target and announce his intention of telling a joke, perhaps stating that it would be particularly to the victim's taste (e.g., "You're gonna love this one...").
> 
> This joke requires the joke teller to have at least one confederate (a participant who already knows the joke and secretly plays along with the teller). The joke teller says something like "The elephant and the hippopotamus were taking a bath. And the elephant said to the hippo, 'Please pass the soap.' The hippo replied, 'No soap, radio.'" [2]
> 
> At this point the confederate (who is pretending that this is the first time they have heard the joke), starts laughing hysterically, as if the joke were very, very funny. The person who was told the joke is then left wondering why it is funny, and why everyone else "gets it," but they do not. Typically, the recipient of the joke will pretend to get it, and laugh along with the others, just so they won't look stupid. The joke teller and the confederate then laugh at the recipient for pretending to get it, because the joke is, in fact "ungettable." "No soap, radio" is not a punch line, but a nonsensical statement. [2]
> 
> Our attempts to interpret the utterance "No soap, radio" as a possible response to the request "Please pass the soap" derives from its placement after that request.[2]
> 
> The purpose of the prank is to elicit one of two responses from the victim
> False understanding  when the victim acts as if the joke is humorous, when in fact the victim does not understand the joke at all.
> 
> Negative understanding  when the victim expresses confusion about what the joke means and feels left out (e.g., "I don't get it"). The conspirators are now prepared to mock the victim for the victim's "inability to get it". Because of pressure to conform, the victim may switch to false understanding (pretending comprehension of the incomprehensible) after receiving facetious derision from the conspirators. Normally after some time of negative understanding, the prank is revealed in full to the victim.


----------



## FreeThinker

Ah-ha!

Thank you for explaining that. 





It's much funnier now. :doh:


----------



## luvmybhm

my father in law told me this one...

donkey walks up to a dachshund in a bar and asks 'are you a hot dog?' the dog spins round and asks 'are you a smart ass?'


----------



## luvmybhm

there are 10 type of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.


----------



## biodieselman

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

“So, you’re a politician…”

“Well, yes, is that a problem?”

“Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”

“Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!” says the politician.

“Those are the rules,” replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?

“Open your eyes!” says a voice. “C’mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!” Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. “Who are you??” The politician asks.

“Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. “Welcome to Hell!”

“Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. “Oh, we’ve been a bit misrepresented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…”

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

“It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… and is woken up by St Peter.

“So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?” “No sir!” says the man. “So then,” says St Peter. “You can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on.”

“Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell,” says the politician. “Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. “What’s this??” He cries. “Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”

“Ah”, says Satan. “You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted.”


----------



## CPProp

In the UK the go ahead has been given for womb transplant.

I understand that at the same time the mothers will also have a transparent panel inserted so the baby will have a womb with a view.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

biodieselman said:


> A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
> 
> . . .
> 
> Ah, says Satan. You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted.




After getting what must have been the 100th solicitation for funds from a major political party (doesn't matter which), I 'lost it' and responded with this:

"Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum decided to have a battle,
They gave me lies, promises, took my cash and then skedaddled.
"I've had enough of both of you, and now I'm really pissed!
Next time I'm in the voting booth, I'm voting Socialist."


----------



## LumpySmile

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer.

And a mop.


----------



## FreeThinker

Probably already posted, but...


A termite walks into a tavern and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"


----------



## LumpySmile

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!


----------



## LumpySmile

That last joke was about 2/3 of a pun..... P. U.


----------



## luvmybhm

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."- henny youngman


----------



## swamptoad

Customer: "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
Waiter: "Don't worry sir, the spider on the bread roll will get 'em."


----------



## swamptoad

"If I stand on my head, all my blood rushes into it. Why doesn't all my blood rush to my feet when I stand them?"
"Your feet aren't empty."


----------



## luvmybhm

couple of jokes that my young daughter told me...lol

how do you know a train is on his lunch break?
you hear 'chew chew'


why was 6 afraid of 7?
cause 7 8 9


----------



## swamptoad

Wacky Insults


"I earn a livin by my wits."
"Well, half a living is better than none."


"I'm not myself today."
"Yes, and I noticed the improvement right away."

"I used to think . . ."
"What made you stop?"


----------



## CPProp

Two nuns were staring a bath , one said where is the soap, the other replied it does, doesnt


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

swamptoad said:


> Wacky Insults
> 
> 
> "I earn a livin by my wits."
> "Well, half a living is better than none."
> 
> 
> "I'm not myself today."
> "Yes, and I noticed the improvement right away."
> 
> "I used to think . . ."
> "What made you stop?"



I like these!


----------



## swamptoad

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I like these!




Thank you! Happy to share. Got them out of an old joke book here in the house.


----------



## wrenchboy

CPProp said:


> Two nuns were staring a bath , one said where is the soap, the other replied it does, doesnt



Usually I am good at understanding a joke. Not this time.


----------



## swamptoad

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and 
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


----------



## Rojodi

Why is having sex like having a savings account?

Because there is a penalty for early withdrawal.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

Rojodi said:


> Why is having sex like having a savings account?
> 
> Because there is a penalty for early withdrawal.



Yeah, but an untimely deposit may get you more than you bargained for.


----------



## bellybob

..................... 

View attachment Obama Voter.jpg


----------



## swamptoad

>An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
>nursing home.
>
>One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
>if there was anything wrong.
>
>"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today
>and I am very sad."
>
>Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
>replied, "Oh! I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
>
>The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
>private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
>
>"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
>like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
>
>"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
>that my private part died."
>
>"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
>pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
>
>"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."


----------



## luvmybhm

spoon walks up to a fork and asks
"who was that ladle i saw you with last night?"
fork replies, "that was no ladle, that was my knife"

ba-da-dum. (insert cymbal noise here)


----------



## swamptoad

luvmybhm said:


> spoon walks up to a fork and asks
> "who was that ladle i saw you with last night?"
> fork replies, "that was no ladle, that was my knife"
> 
> ba-da-dum. (insert cymbal noise here)




nice one!


----------



## biodieselman

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field.


The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.


A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.


The old farmer said he had buried them.


The sheriff asked the old farmer, Were they all dead?


The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.


----------



## luvmybhm

lol. good one.


----------



## swamptoad

"Have you heard the story about the dirty shirt?"

"No."

"Well, that's one on you!"


----------



## luvmybhm

found this one on the web

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. 

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160... 

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


----------



## LeoGibson

wrenchboy said:


> Usually I am good at understanding a joke. Not this time.



It's word play. He got it slightly wrong though, it should be,"where's the soap?" The other nun says,"it does doesn't it?"

The play is on the word where. As in wears the soap down. Here's another wordplay nun joke for you,

Two nuns riding their bikes down a cobbled street & one of them says 
"I've never come this way before."


----------



## LeoGibson

Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up?

"I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

"And you, Tanya?"

"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch..."


----------



## luvmybhm

this one my little one told me

why are cows good at math?
because they have a built in cow-culator.

i am pretty sure it was in sid the science kid movie she watched today


----------



## luvmybhm

why did the rooster cross the road?
because the chicken egged him on


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

Why did the pervert cross the road?












A. He had his dick stuck in the chicken


----------



## FreeThinker

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

























He had a chicken stapled to his face. 



Wow, out-of-date joke much, or what?


----------



## FreeThinker

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?





Orange.


----------



## luvmybhm

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Why did the pervert cross the road?
> 
> A. He had his dick stuck in the chicken




this made me giggle...


----------



## CPProp

On a musical note :- What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft ?



A flat minor


----------



## luvmybhm

:happy:liked that one!


----------



## FreeThinker

Q: What is perfect pitch?

A: When you throw a banjo and it hits the accordion. 




Q: Why did the singer knock on the door?

A: He forgot the key and he doesn't know when to come in. 




Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

A: A tuxedo




Q: how many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Oh, sure: Blame my girlfriend. Real mature, guys.


----------



## smithnwesson

Q: What is a minor second?

A: Two violas playing in unison.


----------



## FreeThinker

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

A: A drummer. 




Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless


----------



## luvmybhm

A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him.
"Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would," says the lamaze instructor.
The husband smiles slyly. "You want me to pick it up 'exactly' how my wife would? He asks.
"Yes, exactly how your wife would," the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently.
The man looks at his wife, and says, "Honey, pick up that pencil."


----------



## FreeThinker

Q. How do you get 40 drunken, rowdy Canadians out of a swimming pool?










A. "Excuse me, could you please leave the pool?"


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

FreeThinker said:


> Q. How do you get 40 drunken, rowdy Canadians out of a swimming pool?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A. "Excuse me, could you please leave the pool?"



Not the answer I was expecting. I thought the attendant would tell them than an American tourist had just pee'd in the pool.


----------



## LumpySmile

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?





Anyone can roast beef.


----------



## CPProp

Q: What is the difference between Au jus and gravy 

A: About £8.5


----------



## CPProp

When to the butchers today for some bacon and asked for half a pound.

Lean back, was his reply

I did and fell over.


----------



## biodieselman

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. 

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten! 

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. 

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. 

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." 

What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. 

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!" 

Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there." 

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so." 

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek." 

"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there." 

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE" 

The boy takes a good long look and replies, 







"Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"


----------



## wrenchboy

Three construction workers were eating luch atop a skyscraper. 
Joe complains, "Dammit! If I get another tuna on rye I am gonna jump".
Steve looks at his and screams, "If I get another ham and cheese I'm gonna jump"
John exclaims, "If I get another bologna I'm gonna jump."
The next day Joe looks at his and smiles " Oh, boy! Turkey!"
Steve looks at his and laughs out, "Yay! Roast beef!"
John looks at his and jumps.
Steve looks at Johns lunch, and with sadness ,"Bologna, aw poor John."
Joe casually takes a bite of his sandwich and says "Don't feel too bad, he makes his own lunch."


----------



## luvmybhm

what do you call a bear with no teeth?
a gummy bear


----------



## smithnwesson

Back to the musician jokes.

An oboe with bad intonation sounds like a dying goose.
An oboe with good intonation sounds like a regular goose.

A guy was on safari in the darkest jungles of Africa. It was nightfall and drums were heard in the distance gradually getting louder.
Guy: Those drums are making me very nervous.
Guide: There's no problem unless they stop.
[Suddenly the drums stopped.]
Guide: HOLY SHIT!!!!
Guy: What? What? What is gonna to happen now?
Guide: An oboe solo.


----------



## CPProp

A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large dildo flies out & hits their windscreen. 

To hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children "That was a big insect". To which the 7 year old son replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size


----------



## smithnwesson

Myrtle Mae was visiting her good friend, Ethel Lee in Mobile, LA. Myrtle Mae was telling Ethel Lee about her recent trip to New York City, New York.

Myrtle Mae said, "Why Ethel Lee, do you know that in New York City, they have MEN that kiss other Men". Ethel Lee said "Why my stars! What do they call them?". Myrtle Mae said, "Why they call them "homosexuals"."

And then Myrtle Mae said, "And do you know that in New York City, there are women that kiss and carry on with other WOMEN?". "My goodness Gracious", said Ethel Lee, "and what do they call them?" Myrtle Mae puffed up and said "Well, they call them "lesbians"."

Then Myrtle Mae said "And do you know that in New York City, there are men who will kiss you between your thighs?" "My heavens", cried Ethel Lee, "And What do you call them?" To which Myrtle Mae shyly replied, "Well, when he got done, I called him "Precious"."


----------



## MattB

If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.


----------



## CPProp

I'd advise anybody against pressing the 'emergency stop' button on a treadmill going at high speed.
I just did, and the bloke on it went flying.


----------



## CPProp

Teacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"
Sophie;... "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too."
Teacher; "Very good Sophie."
Johnny;...... "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two."


----------



## swamptoad

Coworker talking to another coworker: "Hey, while I'm on break, I'll be standing out for a while. If anyone is looking for me while I'm gone just tell them I'm out standing."


----------



## wrenchboy

God says to Peter "I want to go on vacation "
Peter- How about Mars? 
God - No, too hot.
Peter - Pluto? 
God- I'm not sure it exists 
Peter - earth? 
God- No, too much gossip, I got with some hot Jewish chick 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it.


----------



## wrenchboy

Have you ever been on the road and someone is using their windshield washers and some of the spray hits you?
That's why I would never want to be in a orgy.


----------



## wrenchboy

I apologize if I or someone else posted this...
What does a southerner say if he has a deer with no eyes?
I got no eye deer.


----------



## CPProp

My baby owl has laryngitis  he doesnt give a hoot


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

CPProp said:


> My baby owl has laryngitis  he doesnt give a hoot


Reminds me of an old Yogi Yorgesson song "I don't give a hewoot"


----------



## CleverBomb




----------



## wrenchboy

A company has developed a new toilet paper and is giving samples to take home, try, and name the new toilet paper. 
One family tried the product and named it John Wayne. 
It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take crap from anyone.


----------



## CPProp

What do you get when two sheets of carbon paper go out together. carbon dating


----------



## wrenchboy

Why did the turd take a nap in the bowl?

Because it was pooped.


----------



## wrenchboy

Why is it a bad idea to fart in an iPhone store? 


Because there are no windows


----------



## wrenchboy

Why is it a bad idea to fart in an iPhone store? 


Because there are no windows


----------



## FreeThinker

For the BHM and FFA contingent:



A big man got on the bus and took a seat. 

Seeing him, another passenger said, "If that belly was on a woman, she'd be in a family way."

The man looked the other passenger in the eye and said, "It was, and she is."


-- Redd Foxx​


----------



## CPProp

Its a bit early for Christmas Jokes - but one has to start sometime:

How did Mary and Joseph Know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born ?


They had 'A Weigh in A Manger"


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

CPProp said:


> Its a bit early for Christmas Jokes - but one has to start sometime:
> 
> How did Mary and Joseph Know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born ?
> 
> 
> They had 'A Weigh in A Manger"



When I started reading the joke, I thought you were going to say "The took him to a local kosher meat counter. They always have scales there."


----------



## FreeThinker

And here I am, unable to rep either of you again. 


Oy, vey!


----------



## CPProp

Another Christmas silly joke 

John: We are having Grandma for Christmas Dinner.

Andrew: Really we are having a turkey


----------



## swamptoad

New Years Eve Joke


A drunken man walks into a bar with jumper cables dangling over his neck. Bartender says: "You can stay ...just don't start anything."


----------



## wrenchboy

A sandwich walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"


----------



## Am Jim

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. 



He soon realized she was heading straight towards his
seat .

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,

" Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ." 


He swallowed hard. 

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she
was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 


" Lecturer," she responded. 

" I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 


Really?" he said. 

"And what kind of myths are there?" 


" Well," she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. 

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." 


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..." 


"Tonto," the man said, 
" Tonto Goldstein, 
but my friends call me Bubba."


----------



## wrenchboy

(This one is best spoken. But hey,what are you going to 2)

I am addicted to heroin.
Thats right, I am addicted to women that saves people's lives.


----------



## wrenchboy

(What are you going to do) sorry!


----------



## FreeThinker

What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?


----------



## LumpySmile

FreeThinker said:


> What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?



That actually made me laugh out loud


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

FreeThinker said:


> What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?



(Scratching head) I think I'll have to consult with Hoo_Hoo_Tai on that one.


A-ha! (Opening the envelope) Conundrum! 

View attachment owl IMG_1040.jpg


----------



## LumpySmile

A sailor has been at sea for months and finally gets a shore leave. He's excited to get drunk and hire a hooker and he proceeds to do just exactly that. Unfortunately, he drinks a little more than he should before sex and he's having a bit of trouble. 
Of course, in his own drunken mind he's such a stud that he thinks the hooker won't notice.

"How am I doing, Baby?" he asks her.

"I'd say you're doing about 3 nots, Sailor" she replies.

Thinking she means the nautical term, he's a bit confused.

"3 knots? what do you mean?" He asks.

Says the hooker, "You're_ not_ hard, you're _not_ in, and you're _NOT_ getting your money back!"


----------



## AngelCros

I heard this one yesterday and was way too amused 

View attachment funny-dog-whats-the-difference-between-hippo-and-zippo-one-is-really-heavy-the-other-is-a-little.jpg


----------



## swamptoad

Knock knock. 

Who's there? 

To. 

To who? 

Actually, it's to whom.


----------



## swamptoad

View attachment I+shit+you+knot+those+eyes+and+that+face+though_556298_5325487.jpg


...............


----------



## RabbitScorpion

wrenchboy said:


> A sandwich walks into a bar.
> Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here"



The tender of an oceanfront beach bar is surprised to see a bull elephant seal surface.

To make matters worse, the huge beast waddles right up to the bar's entrance.

The owner screams "What do you want?", the seal answers "Sex on the beach, please".


----------



## CPProp

Went to the doctors yesterday and asked if he could give me something for wind 

He gave me a kite


----------



## swamptoad

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween Party?




















He had (no-body) to go with. :doh:


----------



## swamptoad

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? 




















Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy

swamptoad said:


> View attachment 127357
> 
> 
> ...............




Holy cow, I love this one!


----------



## CPProp

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.


----------



## smithnwesson

Natasha and Rudolph were looking out of their front window in Moscow.
Natasha: Look honey, it's snowing.
Rudolph: No, I think that's rain.
Natasha: It's snow.
Rudolph: Rain
Natasha: Snow
Rudolph: Hey, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.


----------



## CPProp

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday!


did you know 5 out of every 3 people have trouble understanding fractions.


----------



## swamptoad

I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches.

​


----------



## CPProp

Last week my friend Shrimp went to a prawn cocktail party and pulled a mussel


----------



## Kristal

Yesterday two door to door sales people knocked on my front door...
I gave them each a Watchtower pamphlet...

I went to the Doctor's office the other day and the doctor asked me what was wrong with me..
I charged him a $20.00 co-pay...


----------



## swamptoad

There's a band called 1023MB
They haven't had any gigs yet

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body? 
A: Nobodynose.


----------



## CPProp

The plumber asked the woman where is the drip. She said: Hes in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.


----------



## CPProp

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."


----------



## CPProp

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.


----------



## swamptoad

"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."

"In the stork?"

​


----------



## swamptoad

"Alexa, tell me a _dirty_ joke."

Excuse us, waiter; this coffee tastes like mud!
Yes sir. It's fresh ground.


----------



## swamptoad

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? Theyre making headlines everywhere!

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer?
He had locomotives


----------



## CPProp

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 
'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


----------



## swamptoad

I always put the apostrophe in _ain't_ to make certain I'm using proper improper English.

_author unknown_ (Reader's Digest)


----------



## CPProp

A snail was fed up of moving about so slowly, so to help him go faster he removed his shell - now he is sluggish.


----------



## CPProp

Why couldnt the hedgehog wash his hair?

Because hed left his head and shoulders on the road.



Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To visit its flatmate.


----------



## LeoGibson

What did the banana say to the vibrator?




What are you shaking for? Shes not gonna eat you later.


----------



## swamptoad

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?






Where's Pop Corn?


----------



## CPProp

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. - I don't like to interrupt her.


----------



## CPProp

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. - If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.


----------



## CPProp

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? - Nobody knows, It’s never been tried.


----------



## CPProp

I used to think I was marvellous in bed – until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.


----------



## swamptoad

A goat and an owl are having a baby. The baby is born and is the strangest creature you ever saw. A fella says "What should we call it." Another fellow says. "I know what we can call it ....how about a hoot'n'nanny?"


----------



## wrenchboy

A man doesn't feel too good so he goes to see his doctor. After a bunch of tests the doctor sits the man down in his office. 
"I'm sorry you have 5 to live."
"5 months?! 5 weeks?!?!"
Doctor says"4, 3,2,1....


----------



## CPProp

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.


----------



## CPProp

I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.


----------



## CPProp

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer


----------



## CPProp

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


----------



## CPProp

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.


----------



## CPProp

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now she can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.


----------



## CPProp

A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the canaries."


----------



## CPProp

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.


----------



## DragonFly

CPProp said:


> My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.


Funny but macabre


----------



## LumpySmile

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?






Because they have big fingers!


----------



## CPProp

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. 

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?" 

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."


----------



## CPProp

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


----------



## MattB

CPProp said:


> Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



"0118 999 881 999 119 725...3."

What's better than Ted Danson? Ted singin' and Danson!

HEY-OH!


----------



## LumpySmile

Four retired men were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bottom and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning! So which will it be? Intercourse, or golf course?"

She said, "Don't forget your hat."


----------



## smithnwesson

At a funeral, a stranger sat beside the widow and asked if he could speak to the group. He stood up and said only one word: "Plethora". 
"Thank you", said the widow. "That means a lot."


----------



## CPProp

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it.


----------



## CPProp

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids


----------



## nitewriter

Once upon a time in a Ford Galaxie far far away, it was repossessed for lack of payment


----------



## CPProp

I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”


----------



## Eric LeClair

Ask someone: "Do you like fishsticks?"

Usual response: "Well yes!"

Ask again: "Do you like fishsticks in your mouth ?"

Usual response: "Well yeah - of course!"

You reply: "What are you? A gay fish?"


----------



## CPProp

This has to be the best joke from the Edinburgh Fringe festival 

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed"


----------



## wrenchboy

My wife asked me to take her to see 50 shades of grey so I took her to the paint store. I don't see what the big deal is.


----------



## wrenchboy

What is the best time to go to the dentist for a tooth that hurts?


2:30


----------



## wrenchboy

What did the proctologist say to his assistant after she handed him a beer?
No, I asked for a butt light.


----------



## wrenchboy

Not sure if this one belongs here.....

A short bit back some people were complaining about how actor John Stamos was handling his child. I say nothing was wrong with what he did. Please don't shameos the Stamos it would be most lameos to shamous the Stamos. After all he is famous.


----------



## OnAnotherPlanet

A woman meets a man on Tinder who claims to be a Norse god. They hit it off and have a great date that ends up with them having sex at her house afterwards.

The next morning, they wake up and as she gets ready to shower, she says “I just realized; I never asked you your name!”

He says “I am Thor.”

She responds, “tell me about it. I’m thtill a little achy mythelf.”


----------



## CPProp

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? 

A: With a "tuba glue."


----------



## Funtastic curves

A man decides to open up a condom and coffin store. 

He makes his slogan

" we've got you covered rather you're coming or going "


----------



## Funtastic curves




----------



## CPProp

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.


----------



## CPProp

Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 
'A tube of lipsol please.' 
'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 
'Put it on my bill, please.'


----------



## CPProp

Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one... 

....and The other was taken to hospital with multiple injuries


----------



## Funtastic curves

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (I made on earlier today)
1 cup sugar 
1/2 lb butter 
1 tsp. baking powder 

1 cup water
1 tsp. salt 
1 cup brown sugar 
Lemon juice
4 large eggs 
Nuts
bottle of Vodka 
2 cups dried fruit 
4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefing. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the freakin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the freakin cat!

Enjoy......


----------



## wrenchboy

Funtastic, looks like a recipe that I will really enjoy. Thanks!


----------



## squeezablysoft

FreeThinker said:


> Two pigs are in a bathtub when one asks, "Could you give me the soap?"
> 
> The other pig responds, "What do I look like, a radio?"
> 
> I thought maybe it was a reference to Ye Olde Tymes before television was invented when they had soap operas on the radio, lol.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If anyone gets this, could you please explain it to me? Seriously, this joke has had me vexed, baffled and flummoxed for decades.


----------



## Funtastic curves

squeezablysoft said:


> If anyone gets this, could you please explain it to me? Seriously, this joke has had me vexed, baffled and flummoxed for decades.



NO SOAP...RADIO
A joke played on an innocent victim, where several people agree beforehand to laugh at a completely pointless joke involving elephants, polar bears, etc. in a bathtub with the punchline "no soap ... radio". The objective is to see if they can get the victim to laugh along so he won't look like he was too dumb to get it. If he does, then everyone stops laughing and asks the victim what's so funny, and gets a good laugh at his embarassment.
Children do the old "no soap...radio" joke when around 10.


punchline to a joke with No point. The joke is on you if you laugh. 
I found this answer on urban dictionary .. I didn't get the joke either


----------



## CPProp

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. 

'Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ 

‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'”


----------



## Funtastic curves




----------



## wrenchboy

Three gay men were attending the funeral of a lover. The discussion was what they were going to do with the ashes.
The first said " we used to walk along the hiking trails so i want to spread his ashes along the trails ,so we can hike along together one more time "
The second said "we liked to go fishing so i would like to sprinkle his ashes upon the sea so we can fish together one more time. "
The third said " i want to mix his ashes in a hot, spicy bowl of chili so he can tear up my ass one more time!"


----------



## CPProp

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”


----------



## Shotha

I was working a shift behind the bar at our little local gay bar. Four young guys walked in. We used to call them them Flying Boys, because they were aviation instructors. One of them was a handsome, fat guy, that I found very attractive and my fellow barmen were soon aware of this.

One of the barmen asked me, "So, you'd like to invite the big Flying Boy home with you, would you?"

I replied, "Well, I wouldn't exactly be disappointed, if I were to find my joystick in his cockpit."


----------



## McFeisty

Why is a duck?

Because one of its legs is both the same and its head knocks together when it walks.












Yeah, similar to the 'no soap.. radio!' joke. Please forgive me.


----------



## Shotha

I met a friend, whom I had not seen for about twenty years, at an event.

He commented, "Jeez, I barely recognized you. You've put on so much weight. I mean, how did you get a great big belly like that?"

I replied, "I give it lots of exercise."


----------



## Shotha

Have you heard about the new talent finding show for magicians that they're going to start broadcasting from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? They're going to call it The Hex Factor.


----------



## docilej

Guy goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. During the exam the doc says, "Do you know you have a piece of lettuce sticking out your ass ?" The man sobs, "Doc, that's just the tip of the Iceberg !"


----------



## wrenchboy

A man just diagnosed with terminal cancer has been given 8 hours to live. His wife after some crying decides to give him the best sex of their lives. 
After a short rest, the husband asks "can we do it again?"
"Of course honey"
An little bit later after a rest, the husband says " Oh baby, that was fantastic! Again?!"
The loving wife agrees and they go at it again. 
The husband after a short break, "again!".
The wife angrily replies" No! You don't have to get up in the morning!"


----------



## Shotha

Q. Why don't you ever see Santa Claus in hospital.
A. Because he has private elf care.


----------



## wrenchboy

What do you call an elf with a bad attitude?
A go fuck yours elf


----------



## wrenchboy

I saw an ex girlfriend across the hall at a museum today but didn't go talk to her. 
There was too much history between us.


----------



## wrenchboy

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

"Arghhghgrhh"


----------



## Shotha

Q. What's grey and comes in buckets?

A. An elephant.


----------



## wrenchboy

Wurlitzer and Xerox merged resulting in reproductive organs.


----------



## CPProp

What do you call a chap with a contraceptive on his nose?

Fuck nose


----------



## Shotha

Q. Why don't you ever see Santa Claus in hospital?

A. Because he has private elf care.


----------



## docilej

How to make holy water?
---gotta boil the hell out of it !


----------



## CPProp

Yesterday I bought a dog from a blacksmith.
after two hours he made a bolt for the door.


----------



## FleurBleu

What do Russians call it when they forbid their kids to watch TV?

Nyetflix.


----------



## LumpySmile

On old maid gets to itching down there, so she goes to see a doctor. After an examination, the doctor informs her she has crabs. "What do you mean I have crabs? I'm an eighty year old virgin. I've never been with a man in my life. There's no way I could have crabs. I want a second opinion!" So she goes to see another doctor who comes to the same conclusion, and gives her the same news. "It's impossible I have crabs. I'm an eighty year old virgin. I've never been with a man in my life. There's no way I could have crabs. I want a THIRD opinion!" So she finds a third doctor, and after a quick examination he says, "You're absolutely right ma'am. You do not have crabs." The old lady replies, " I knew I didn't have crabs. I'm an eighty year old virgin. I've never been with a man in my life. There's no way I could have crabs. So tell me doctor, what's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "You've got fruit flies. Your cherry's rotten."


----------



## FleurBleu

Ew!!!!!


----------



## Funtastic curves

...lol


----------



## LumpySmile

A none too bright young man gets the idea in his head he wants to be a cowboy. So he buys himself a western outfit and goes looking for work. He meets an older ranch hand who suggests he hire on at a sheep ranch instead to learn the business on smaller critters. So the young feller agrees and next thing he knows he's in the saddle, riding the range with the older hand looking for stray sheep. 

After a bit they come upon a sheep with its head caught in a snow fence. The older hand says, " Now here's what you do when you find something like this." Then the older hand walks up to the sheep, drops his pants, and proceeds to have sex with the stuck sheep. After he finishes, he buttons back up and says to the young feller, "Alright. Your turn." 

So the young feller gets off the horse, drops his trousers, bends over and sticks his head in the fence too.


----------



## FleurBleu

Don't get a discount cirumcision. It's a rip-off.


----------



## wrenchboy

I had a bad day today. I accidentally locked my keys in my car today.

What made it really bad was walking into Planned Parenthood and asking for a coat hanger.


----------



## FleurBleu

Damn, that's dark. How about this one: I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently STROKE PATIENTS HERE means something entirely different than I thought.


----------



## Shotha

This is a true incident. At the local hospital, where I grew up in England, the used to be a sign outside the entrance to one of the wards. It read:

*MATERNITY WARD*
*NO ACCIDENTS PLEASE*​


----------



## FleurBleu

Also a true story: I gave my students the assignment to write about an accident they've had or witnessed. One of them spoke up: I was an accident. Can I write about that?


----------



## wrenchboy

FleurBleu said:


> Damn, that's dark. How about this one: I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently STROKE PATIENTS HERE means something entirely different than I thought.



No it wasn't dark. It was during the day! Lol!


----------



## CPProp

Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, does he taste funny to you?


----------



## FleurBleu

What did the cannibal do after he'd dumped his girlfriend?
- He wiped his butt.


----------



## wrenchboy

FleurBleu said:


> What did the cannibal do after he'd dumped his girlfriend?
> - He wiped his butt.



Lol ....took me a moment to get that one!


----------



## FleurBleu

What does the cannibal order in a restaurant?
- The waiter.

And what do you find in a cannibal's shower?
- Head and shoulders.


----------



## FleurBleu

Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff, how do I help him?
- Give him head and shoulders.
- How do I give him shoulders?


----------



## wrenchboy

I love no arms and no legs jokes.
True story. I have a friend who has a below the knee amputation. 

He would say that his perfect woman would be named Eileen and work at IHOP.
They would have many children who had no arms and no legs. 
Floating in the water Bob
Hanging on the wall Art
Found on a beach Sandy
Avid book reader Paige
The sweet tooth Candy
The child that is going to be an alcoholic Brandy
Of course we can't forget the mentally challenged twins that keep getting caught in the window covering Curt and Rod


----------



## FleurBleu

Speaking of self-deprecating humor: I have a paraplegic student. When we were discussing the final exam, which would last over three hours, I groaned and said, "This is going to be a real challenge for my bladder."
The paraplegic grinned and offered: "Would you like one of my catheters?"

Awesome comeback


----------



## wrenchboy

Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?


----------



## swamptoad

Why did the chicken cross the playground?














To get to the other slide.


----------



## FleurBleu

Honey, I have a confession to make. I used to be a Christian.
- That doesn't bother me, sweetie.
- I'm relieved. I much prefer being a Christine.


----------



## wrenchboy

Bed Time Prayer For Men


As I lay me down to sleep 

I pray for a woman whos very cheap 

One whos sexy blonde and long

Who notices that shes mostly wrong

One who sucks and doesn't speak 

And promises to do so once a week 

I pray that she is very randy

One like that would come in very handy 

Opens her legs and lies on the floor 

And once I'm done she begs for more 

Oh send me a woman who won't play with my mind 

Who knows what she wants and thats lots from behind 

One who will make love till my body's a twitchin

And bring me a beer when she comes from the kitchen 

I pray that she will last right up to the end 

And won't complain when I do her best friend 

Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait 

I will screw all the rest because it's never too late 

Amen


----------



## FleurBleu

I'm super lazy today. It's like normal lazy, only I'm wearing a cape.


----------



## FleurBleu

Every New Year I get super stressed out. My doctor diagnosed me with Old Langxiety.


----------



## FleurBleu

The husband comes down to breakfast, whistling. "Good morning, honey, what a beautiful day!"
Wife: "Challenge accepted."


----------



## FleurBleu

What do you call the patron saint of copying people on email?

St. Francis of a CC.


----------



## Shotha

The Vatican has been developing a new range of communion wafers. The Pope has announced that they are now completely satisfied with the new range of communion wafers and later this year they will be distributed for mass consumption.


----------



## FleurBleu

Nice one, I love puns  Here's mine for today:

This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.


----------



## FleurBleu

A catholic is someone who is addicted to cats.


----------



## TwoSwords

Yoda: "How went Princess Leia's honeymoon?"

Yoda: "A Han's-on experience it was! Eh-heh-heh-heh!"


----------



## FleurBleu

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A few days later he called me and told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.


----------



## Dan DeLeon

A farmer and his new bride are leaving the church in his honeymoon horse and buggy headed for his home.

After about a mile, the horse begins to violently buck, rear up, kick, snort, and whinny.

The farmer reins in the bucking horse, gets down off the buggy, seizes the bridle, firmly grabs the horse's head in his hands, raises one finger to the horse's nose, and calmly tells it,

"That's one."

The farmer gets back in the buggy, grabs the reins, shouts "Giddy-up!" and continues with the journey.

After about a mile, the horse again wildly bucks, rears, kicks, snorts, and whinnies.

Again the farmer reins in the frenzied bronc, gets down off the buggy, seizes the bridle, firmly grabs the beast's head in his hands, raises one finger to its nose, and sternly tells it,

"That's two."

He returns to the buggy, grabs the reins, shouts "Giddy-up!" and resumes with the journey.

After about a mile, be damned if the horse don't _again_ crazedly buck, rear, kick, snort, and whinny.

Again the farmer reins in the wild beast and gets down off the buggy. This time he draws a shotgun from the carriage, aims it at the horse, and -- BOOM! -- shoots the animal _dead_!

Upon witnessing this brutal, shocking act, the farmer's horrified, indignant newlywed rears up, waves her arms, points her finger at her spouse and begins hysterically screaming,

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! How _could_ you DO SUCH A THING! Killing a poor, innocent creature! What is WRONG with you? What kind of MONSTER are you? Are you MAD?! ANSWER ME!!!l"

The farmer climbs into the buggy, firmly grabs the head of his apoplectic bride between his hands, raises one finger to her nose, and calmy tells her,

"That's one."


----------



## Funtastic curves




----------



## Dan DeLeon

There are three rings in a marriage:

The engagement ring.


The wedding ring.


And suffer-ring.


----------



## FleurBleu

Speaking of which, what do a hand grenade and a wife have in common?
Once you pull off the ring, boom! Your house is gone.


----------



## Dan DeLeon

During a word game played by the illustrious Algonquin Round Table Wits, member Dorothy Parker (writer, poet, critic, and wit extraordinaire) was challenged to use "horticulture" in a sentence. Her clever reply is immortal:

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."


----------



## CPProp

Its one thing to be prescribed Diuretics – its another thing to know your meds are just taking the piss.


----------



## FleurBleu

The guy who invented spellcheck just passed away. May he rust in piss.


----------



## Shotha

I was telling a friend, who was very posh, that I had a Sanskrit exam the next day.
She replied, "I do hope that you parse."


----------



## Grizzlybear

So, on the subject of famous painting "Portrait of Whistler's Mother":

If they're been named Whittler instead, would her portrait have been a wood carving?


----------



## FleurBleu

Son, you're adopted.
Huh, I wonder who my real parents are.
WE are your real parents but your adoptive parents will be here in a minute to pick you up.


----------



## Bama

FleurBleu said:


> Son, you're adopted.
> Huh, I wonder who my real parents are.
> WE are your real parents but your adoptive parents will be here in a minute to pick you up.


That's a good one. That's some Rodney Dangerfield type stuff right there.


----------



## Bama

FleurBleu said:


> The guy who invented spellcheck just passed away. May he rust in piss.


That's good too.


----------



## FleurBleu

Woman: Do you have any batteries? – Shop assistant [crooking his finger at her]: Come this way. – If I could come this way, I wouldn't need any batteries.


----------



## CPProp

A little boy gets separated from his Mother in a supermarket. 

The assistant asks "What's your mummy like?" 

"Big dicks and Vodka! he replies ...


----------



## CPProp

And then there was the couple who were so hard up that she decided to go on the streets. 

After 3 hours she came back in, exhausted. 

"Get anything?" he asked. "Yes, £5.25" 

"What mean b***er gave you 25p?" 

"All of them..."


----------



## FleurBleu

" I thought nothing could happen in a car during a thunderstorm."

Chantal, 14, now pregnant


----------



## FleurBleu

No one ever aks Coca Cola how it's doing. It's always "Is Pepsi OK?"


----------



## FleurBleu

A man checks into a hotel with his family. He leans over to the receptionist and murmurs, "I hope the porn on our TV is disabled."
- "It's regular porn, you sick bastard!"


----------



## swamptoad

How do you call a frog?

Use the hopperator.



How do you get a frog off the windshield?

Use the defrogger.


----------



## CPProp

Q. How does a lady of the night hold her liqueur?

A. Usually by the ears


----------



## CPProp

Once skyped with a pair - it was a conference pair


----------



## CPProp

This made me laugh


----------



## op user

WARNING!!!!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock knock" - DON"T OPEN IT!!!

It's a Jehovah's Witless working from home.


----------



## op user

As a follow up on a previous message


----------



## op user

And this is my farewell message here since I think the mode will ban me and German/French/Italian members would avoid me:

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.
The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel"


----------



## Barbsjw

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are camping out. The Lone Ranger wakes with a start and nudges Tonto.

He says,"Look up and tell me what it means?"

"Well, Philosophically, I see that the universe is vast and we are insignificant, Astrologically, Saturn is entering Leo, and meteorologically the weather will be clear tomorrow. What does it tell you Kemo Sabe?"

"Someone stole our tent, dummy!"


----------



## CPProp

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.


----------



## CPProp

I was buying a dishwasher online, so I searched by price lowest to highest – the top result was a sponge


----------



## CPProp

Thanks to autocorrect, I sent my personal trainer a text asking if she fancied going for a rub on Sunday - obviously what I meant to say was Saturday


----------



## CPProp

My auntie Barbara won’t buy free-range chickens because she says you don’t know where they’ve been.


----------



## Barbsjw

How do you know the CIA wasn't involved in the Kennedy assasination?

He's dead, isn't he?


----------



## wrenchboy

CPProp said:


> I was buying a dishwasher online, so I searched by price lowest to highest – the top result was a sponge



The highest price is a wife. But well worth the money spent if you purchase the right model.


----------



## Aqw

wrenchboy said:


> The highest price is a wife. But well worth the money spent if you purchase the right model.


I wonder if women would say the highest price is a husband


----------



## CPProp

I went to the Canary Islands on holiday last year, didn't see one canary.
Going to the Virgin Islands this year, can't wait.


----------



## Barbsjw

@CPProp maybe someday you can tell us what a Galapoglos is.


----------



## littlefairywren

A man comes home and sees his wife is watching a cooking show and says...
"What the hell are you doing watching a cooking show? You can't even cook!"
She looks at him calmly and replies...
"Well you watch porn!"


----------



## Joker

littlefairywren said:


> A man comes home and sees his wife is watching a cooking show and says...
> "What the hell are you doing watching a cooking show? You can't even cook!"
> She looks at him calmly and replies...
> "Well you watch porn!"


----------



## Fuzzy

I spent 45 minutes on the treadmill today. I will probably try to turn it on next.


----------



## Barrett

Barbsjw said:


> @CPProp maybe someday you can tell us what a Galapoglos is.





Spoiler: Galapagos meaning



_galápago_ is Spanish for 'tortoise.'



Jokey joke:

It is impossible to lick your own elbow.


----------



## Barbsjw

DAMN! My Spanish is rusty, should have known that!


----------



## littlefairywren

Barrett said:


> Spoiler: Galapagos meaning
> 
> 
> 
> _galápago_ is Spanish for 'tortoise.'
> 
> 
> 
> Jokey joke:
> 
> It is impossible to lick your own elbow.


I tested this out in bed this morning. You're right hehe. Someone will have to do it for me.


----------



## CPProp

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.


----------



## Barbsjw

@CPProp took me a beat, but that's great!


----------



## CPProp

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


----------



## CPProp

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'


----------



## CPProp

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself


----------



## Barbsjw

We call them "sprinkles" in the US


----------



## Shotha

We call them hundreds and thousands in the UK and in New Zealand.


----------



## CPProp

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful fat girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."


----------



## littlefairywren

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."


----------



## CPProp

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'


----------



## littlefairywren

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'


----------



## CPProp

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?


----------



## Barbsjw

You shouldn't use puns with kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally


----------



## CPProp

My next doors neighbour’s cat caught Covid, don’t ask meow, it passed it on to my dog, who is OK just a little wuff.


----------



## littlefairywren

Old Mr. Horowitz was sent to a nursing home by his family to live out his remaining years.

Every evening at dinnertime, a crazy old woman ran into his room, pulled up her skirt and shrieked "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

Old Mr. Horowitz quietly tolerated the old woman's mad behavior for weeks until one evening she scurried into his room, pulled up her skirt, cackling "SUPERPUSSY", and with a sigh he replied, "all right, all right, I'll have the soup!!"


----------



## littlefairywren

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."


----------



## CPProp

What’s long and hard and full of seamen?

A submarine


----------



## NurseVicki

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
> pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
> 
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
> morning!"
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
> "Who was that?" asked his wife.
> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
> "Did you help him?"she asks.
> "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
> "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
> about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself.
> 
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
> pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
> 
> "Yes," comes back the answer.
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
> "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
> "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
> 
> ************************************
> 
> An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
> doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
> semen sample tomorrow."
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
> 
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
> Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
> tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
> The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."


OMG GOOD one


----------



## littlefairywren

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"


----------



## Joker

littlefairywren said:


> A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
> "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
> 
> "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
> 
> The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
> 
> Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
> 
> "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
> 
> Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"


Wicked.


----------



## NurseVicki

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> President Bush went to an elementary school to speak to a class of
> students. The President told them they could ask questions, but first had to raise their hands, stand and identify themselves with their first names.
> 
> The first student raised his hand and the President recognized him. The boy said "My name is Michael and I have three questions.
> 
> One, do you think this war is a just war?
> 
> Two, don't you think the American attack on Hiroshima was a Terrorist Attack?
> 
> And three, how did you become President when you clearly did not have the majority of the vote?"
> 
> Just then, the recess bell rang and all the children went out to play.
> 
> After fifteen minutes the children returned to the classroom and resumed their time with the President.
> 
> The next student raised his hand and stood and identified himself. "My
> name is Walter and I have five questions.
> 
> One, do you think this war is a Just War?
> 
> Two, don't you think the American attack on Hiroshima was a Terrorist Attack?
> 
> Three, how did you become President when you clearly did not have the majority of the vote?
> 
> Four, why did the Recess Bell ring twenty minutes early?
> 
> And five, where is Michael?"


ohh my a conspiracy


----------



## Barbsjw

Uh, I fear Michael went to Gitmo.


----------



## Joker

NurseVicki said:


> ohh my a conspiracy


I may have to rewrite this for 2020+


----------



## Joker

Barbsjw said:


> Uh, I fear Michael went to Gitmo.


 I was there he was not. so no worry. In fact he is in Iceland.


----------



## CPProp

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty.

And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet


----------



## littlefairywren

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."


----------



## Barbsjw

3 moms-to-be are in the doctor's waiting room. They're all sewing baby clothes

The brunette says,"We're having a boy because I was on top."
The redhead says,"We're having a girl because he was on top."
The blonde cries,"We're having puppies."


----------



## Joker

Barbsjw said:


> 3 moms-to-be are in the doctor's waiting room. They're all sewing baby clothes
> 
> The brunette says,"We're having a boy because I was on top."
> The redhead says,"We're having a girl because he was on top."
> The blonde cries,"We're having puppies."


So evil. I was a blond on top. LOL


----------



## Shotha

Did you hear about the blond helicopter pilot, who crashed his helicopter?

He told the team investigating the crash that he was too hot. So, he decided to switch off the ceiling fan.


----------



## Shotha

Did you hear about the blond, who tried to give his cat a bath?

He's still picking the fur out of his tongue.


----------



## CPProp

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”


----------



## CPProp

Aled the farmer wanted to buy his neighbour's cow, but was shocked to learn it was £50.
“Here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?” he said.
“Seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you a 20% discount,” said the neighbour.
Aled wasn't quite sure what this meant so he said: “I'll think about it.”

He was still trying to figure it out when he saw the local schoolmistress. He stopped her and said: “Miss Pugh, if I were to offer you £50, less 20% discount, what would you take off?”

Miss Pugh said: “Everything except my earring.”


----------



## CPProp

A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
“Young man,” he declared, “do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?”

“Oh, hell,” replied the drunkard. “I could have sworn this was the bus to Llanelli.”


----------



## Barbsjw

If 2 vegans are arguing, is it still beef?


----------



## CPProp

A young woman patient was careering around the corridors of a psychiatric hospital in her wheelchair at breakneck speed when her passage was blocked by another patient …

‘STOP’ he said, with his hand raised like a policeman. ‘DRIVING LICENCE PLEASE !’.
She handed him a Kit Kat bar from her tunic, and off she sped !

After another full circuit of the hospital he stopped her again …’STOP’ he said …’M.O.T PLEASE !’
She handed him a Kleenex tissue, and took off again …

Third time round he was waiting for her with his trousers around his ankles and in a state of acute arousal !
She screeched to a halt … saying … ‘NOT THAT BREATHALISER THING AGAIN !!’


----------



## Joker

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA finally picked a generic name for Viagra and announced that it had settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.


----------



## Joker

Well Monkey balls is what I used to say around my children when I cussed. One remembered and sent me this.


----------



## CPProp

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs


----------



## Shotha

Joker said:


> In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
> The FDA finally picked a generic name for Viagra and announced that it had settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.



I've always liked to imagine that the trade name of Viagra is derived from the Sanskrit word व्यघ्र (vyaghra), meaning tiger, because it makes you "perform" like a tiger.


----------



## CPProp

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.


----------



## CPProp

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant


----------



## Joker

Shotha said:


> I've always liked to imagine that the trade name of Viagra is derived from the Sanskrit word व्यघ्र (vyaghra), meaning tiger, because it makes you "perform" like a tiger.


No it just gives you a hammer. You still have to move it to get the job done.


----------



## Barbsjw

@CPProp we call them satellite dishes.


----------



## Shotha

Joker said:


> No it just gives you a hammer. You still have to move it to get the job done.



I wouldn't know about that. I've never had to take it. I was just musing on the possible etymology of the name.


----------



## Joker

Shotha said:


> I wouldn't know about that. I've never had to take it. I was just musing on the possible etymology of the name.


I prefer Celassis low dose.


----------



## Shotha

Joker said:


> I prefer Celassis low dose.



I've never heard of that.


----------



## Joker

Shotha said:


> I've never heard of that.


Some news is hard to find.


----------



## Shotha

Joker said:


> Some news is hard to find.



Do you mean Cialis?

A young friend of mine once asked me, "Hey, Frank, what's it like to be fat."

I replied, "It's just like having an erection, except it's all over. It lasts a hell of a lot longer. And, when you get to my age, you don't need to take Viagra to maintain it. You should try it some time."


----------



## CPProp

As lockdown continues my neighbour appears to have taken up carpentry as a hobby, I was going to make a joke about it but I can’t think of any that woodwork.


----------



## Barbsjw

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?

He's a small medium at large.


----------



## DazzlingAnna

Greek writer of funny everyday stories:
Anecdoteles


----------



## Barbsjw

The most famous tailor in Ancient Greece

Youripedithese


----------



## CPProp

I think the next Jurassic World film should be called A Reptile Dysfunction.


----------



## Shotha

Barbsjw said:


> The most famous tailor in Ancient Greece
> 
> Youripedithese



And hiss most frequent customer was Eumenides.


----------



## CPProp

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.


----------



## wrenchboy

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.

Bartender asks, "What can I get for you?"

Man replies, "One beer for me and one for the road."


----------



## Joker

wrenchboy said:


> A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
> 
> Bartender asks, "What can I get for you?"
> 
> Man replies, "One beer for me and one for the road."


----------



## Barbsjw

What did the blond say when she walked into a bar?

"Ow!"


----------



## DazzlingAnna

How many calories are in the chocolate cake we bought today? 

No more.


----------



## DazzlingAnna

How many sit-ups do you do in the morning?

One?!


----------



## CPProp

“Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?”


----------



## Barbsjw

@CPProp you call it a joke, but that's a GREAT question!


----------



## Joker

CPProp said:


> “Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?”


Well in truth it is because we teach children not to do that. My grandson used to grab his crotch or his ass and do this dance and yell "I gotta go now or we gotta go home to get me new clothes.


----------



## CPProp

I've been learning German for 20 years. It's zwanzig Jahren


----------



## CPProp

Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? _Ika_, meaning Sunday, and _keya_, meaning 'fucking ruined'


----------



## Joker

CPProp said:


> Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? _Ika_, meaning Sunday, and _keya_, meaning 'fucking ruined'


Well that translates to we are screwed in Blackfoot.


----------



## CPProp

Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer


----------



## CPProp

My Friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a “get well soon” card


----------



## wrenchboy

I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs. 

I suffered for a while, but then I came to a realization.


----------



## NZ Mountain Man

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Another blonde joke..
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



The Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



Q:Why don't vegetarians moan while they have sex?
A:They don't want to admit a piece of meat can give them pleasure..


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


I started getting junk mail from some attractive random woman. She claimed to see my profile on a site and wanted to meet me.
I replied back with the email address she wrote to me on. This was unacceptable to her and she insisted to contact through the website only. I replied the next two emails through the g mail site I us. She finally said she wants to keep our communication silent from others.
I pointed out that we have many texts now and if she was going to be seen then she is already compromised.
I looked at the website and apparently every communication is build on the credit card. So I asked her to not to communicate with me unless directly with the g mail.
She pleaded again to contact her through the website so she can be sure that I am who I claim to be.
I replied please no more contact. I only want to go directly. With the many contacts now you must be compromised by now. She returned again with for safety go through the website. She does not want her boyfriend find out.
I sent the following and finally got permanent silence from her.


I can be fake on a website just as easy any other way, including references. I am an airline pilot, I am a scientist, I am a prisoner for evil act, I am a priest. The only way to see what is real is live meeting. Using your intuition assessing truth from fantasy. Any how, you want someone who violates sacred bonds betraying someone else therefore you want a person who is scrum who boundaries are not around decent behaviour. What possibility could you be screening out?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


A businessman was summoned to an auditor's office. He decides to take a lawyer with him.
The auditor was reading the list of claims and he says to the businessman you cannot claim on this. The businessman retorts "I can do a lot things that you think I cannot".
He continues with "I can bite my left eye".
The auditor looks straight at him and said "Don't be ridiculous"
The businessman seeing the bait was ready to be taken made a $1000 bet he could. The auditor decided to entertain this nonsense and accepted the bet.
The businessman pops out his left eye and bites the glass eye. This stunned the auditor on how easily he was conned out of $1000 was about say something when the businessman said that he could bite the right eye. Double or nothing bet.
The auditor stared at him; he can see so they are not both glass eyes, he had lost $1000 bet in front of his lawyer, it does seem impossible. He agreed to the bet.
The businessman pulls out his false teeth and wiggles them over his eye. The auditor panics as he sees he now is in for $2000.
The businessman flew into another bet.
"I bet that I can stand on that side of your desk and urinate into the waste paper basket. Not spilling a drop anywhere else."
The auditor twice bitten looks at the challenge and seeing that it was more than difficult, it was impossible asked if it was a double or nothing bet.
"I bet you $5000 that I can."
Desperate to eliminate the debt the auditor agrees to the bet.
The businessman moves to the side of the desk; unzips, pulls out his penis and urinates all over the desktop, completely missing the bin.
The auditor very happy he had eliminated his gambling debt plus made a good sum of money was smiling. The lawyer had his head in his hands going, "this is bad, very very bad".
The auditor was so happy and looked at the lawyer and said, "this is not bad, I won".
The looks up and says, "before we came in he bet me $20000 that he could urinate on the auditor's desk and he would be happy about it.".


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One liners

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.


----------



## Barbsjw

Who is President Biden's favorite TV chef?

Brian Malarkey.


----------



## Barbsjw

What is a dog's computer security question?

Who's a good boy?


----------



## Joker

My GF and I had a fight today that was so bad her husband left the room.


----------



## CPProp

I tried water polo once, but my horse drowned


----------



## CPProp

I heard on the radio that parents are asking for recommendations over what's the best Tablet to get for home schooling.

The correct suggestion is "Valium"


----------



## DazzlingAnna

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?


----------



## Barbsjw

In what city are you most likely to get leied?

Honolulu (works better spoken)


----------



## PhllipP

I’ve never been to Hawaii.
That’s the joke lol.


----------



## Joker

I was at the local water hole feeling down and talking with a friend . Listening to my troubles he told me to cheer up , that things could be worse . I listened to him , cheered up and looked at the bright side . He was right , things did get worse .


----------



## PhllipP

^^ LOL


----------



## Joker

"I just need to pop in and get some important documents," the Boss pleads.

"Welllllll…," I say. "No can do - no one's to enter the building until the Board has revised its policy about staff crucial to the Company's ongoing enterprise."

"I am crucial," he says.

"It doesn't say that on the list," I reply.

"LOOK, I don't care what the list says, just activate my card."

"I'd like to help you – but you're not on the list."

"Who IS on the list?" he snaps.

"Uhhhhmmm, Let's see. The board, all the security staff, a couple of the younger cleaners, the PFY, some external contractors, the milk delivery people, that bloke that cleans the windows and uh...... me!"

"I should be on that list too. I'm your manager," the Boss shoots back.

"That's not what the list says," I say, "but I suppose you could do an ISR test to prove you're OK and maybe security would let you in."

"A ISR test? What's an ISR test?"

"Infrared, Saliva, Resistance."

"?"

"Infrared to check for antibodies in the blood; saliva for virus presence; and finally Resistance to the coronavirus itself."

"OK, where do I go for that?"

"You don't need to go anywhere; you can do it from your home."

"How?"

"The infrared one we do with your mouse - just browse to the company website and click on the logo 14 times in a row and it'll send you to the testing website. You'll need headphones."

"I've got headphones – that's how I'm skyping you! OK. >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap< >tap<. Right, so on the screen there's a spiral that's slowly turning.... counter-clockwise," the Boss says.

"Yep. That's the one. Now you want to turn your mouse upside down and with your thumb over the LED try and move the mouse pointer around the spiral to the centre and then back out from the centre to the edge while keeping inside the lines of the spiral. I think you have to do it 10 or 20 times, but you'll get verbal instructions through your headphones once you click on the start icon."

"Why am I doing this?"

"The infrared LED in the mouse is tracking the blood flow in your finger in the same way an oximeter does, and the spiral movement makes sure the infrared gets a holistic measurement of the blood supply in your thumb."

"I see. And how long do I do it for?"

"10 or 20 times – I can't remember – but the instructions will tell you. You'll need to end this call though. "

"OK! >click<," the Boss says.

I wait patiently and about 15 minutes while the Boss is no doubt listening to the "instructions" that are telling him how sleepy he is and how restful the spiral is and that he's feeling totally relaxed…

Shortly after the 15 minutes are up, the Boss is on our daily departmental videoconference call. There's a bit of silence as people wait for him to start the meeting - or maybe they're just wondering why he's completely naked and smeared in Marmite.

The call ends abruptly when the Boss's laptop is shut abruptly when he's only halfway through a rousing rendition of "I’m a little teapot."

Half an hour later the Boss is back on the videoconference to the department feeling a little sheepish. He makes some fairly transparent excuse about having a bad reaction to the vaccine and then proceeds to run through the daily task lists.

"… and Simon – how's my access to the building going?" he asks, having no recollection of our earlier conversation – as instructed. "Unfortunately you're not on the list of people crucial to the operation of the company."

"Not bloody crucial! I'm a key member of the IT team!"

"Yes, but we're using other heavy objects to stop papers blowing away during the lockdown."

"And apparently the couches out by reception don't need warming for two hours at a time," the PFY adds.

"What," the Boss snaps, "are you implying…"

"No, no!" I say. "Nothing d I s I n g e n u o u s here."

At the word "disingenuous" the tone of the call takes a bit a dive and most people have ended the call long before the Boss reaches for the Marmite jar again.

Once more someone in the background ends the call and it's just me, the PFY and the IT Director left in the meeting.

"What the hell was that about?" the Director asks.

"He's been under a lot of pressure," I say. "Maybe he's gone a bit stir crazy, or perhaps he's been abusing his prescription?"

"Anyway," the Director says. "I would like to get into the building just to collect a few personal items."

"No can do," I say. "The board has mandated that no one gets access to the building unless they're on the list."

"Well it so happens I'm having a videoconference with the board in about half an hour so maybe I'll bring it up with them directly," he shoots back.

"That's a great plan, but you know what might swing it in your favour – having a clean bill of health from an ISR test."

"An ISR test? What's an ISR test?"


----------



## PhllipP

? LOL


----------



## Joker

Lost me on that one ?


----------



## Shotha

LOL = Lots Of Lard


----------



## CPProp

Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."


----------



## CPProp

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.


----------



## CPProp

What does toilet paper and Madonna have in common?

They both get into the groove.


----------



## CPProp

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...
a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."

She received a generous round of applause.

Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."

She, too, received a round of applause.

Finally a lady from Barry (South Wales) stood up to address the audience.

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


----------



## CPProp




----------



## Barbsjw

2 good ones:

1) What kind of person would murder Toucan Sam, the Trix Rabbit or Tony the Tiger?

A: A cereal killer!

2) How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!


----------



## Shotha

Q: How many homosexuals does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. It's out and it's staying out.


----------



## Christopher Hughes

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


----------



## CPProp

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? 

Same middle name


----------



## CPProp

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan


----------



## Christopher Hughes

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”


----------



## Barbsjw

Why do Scottish people wear kilts?

Zippers scare the sheep.


----------



## op user

Dazzling Anna is kindly required not to read the following post - the other European members are welcome. 

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.


“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.


“German,” she replies.


“Occupation?”


“No, just here for a few days.”


----------



## DazzlingAnna

op user said:


> Dazzling Anna is kindly required not to read the following post - the other European members are welcome.
> 
> Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
> 
> 
> “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
> 
> 
> “German,” she replies.
> 
> 
> “Occupation?”
> 
> 
> “No, just here for a few days.”


----------



## op user

I am laughing more with the dog picture than with the joke I wrote when I first heard it.


----------



## Joker

op user said:


> Dazzling Anna is kindly required not to read the following post - the other European members are welcome.
> 
> Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
> 
> 
> “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
> 
> 
> “German,” she replies.
> 
> 
> “Occupation?”
> 
> 
> “No, just here for a few days.”


----------



## Christopher Hughes

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


----------



## AuntHen

^No.


----------



## Christopher Hughes

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”


----------



## Barbsjw

Why was Bert doing the pigeon?

Because Ernie said,"Not tonight hun, I have a headache."


----------



## Joker

Christopher Hughes said:


> A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”


It's now in MEME form.


----------



## Christopher Hughes

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"


----------



## Barbsjw

@Joker why the frown on my Bert & Ernie joke?


----------



## Joker

Barbsjw said:


> @Joker why the frown on my Bert & Ernie joke?


It was a frowney day.


----------



## Barbsjw

@Joker hopefully today was a better day.


----------



## Christopher Hughes

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."


----------



## Joker

Christopher Hughes said:


> A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."


----------



## Christopher Hughes

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


----------



## Joker

Not really a joke because it really happened. I thought think it belongs here.

I really hate scaring 80+ year old ladies but it happens. I was on the elevator and this lady gets in but did not see me because she was pulling her laundry cart. I said "Hi." She screamed so loud I jumped back and hit the wall hard. I said "Sorry Miss Anna I did not mean to scare you." She looks at me and caught her breath and said. "I know and no problem as I was going to have to have a bowel movement today anyway sooner or later."


----------



## Shotha

Joker said:


> Not really a joke because it really happened. I thought think it belongs here.
> 
> I really hate scaring 80+ year old ladies but it happens. I was on the elevator and this lady gets in but did not see me because she was pulling her laundry cart. I said "Hi." She screamed so loud I jumped back and hit the wall hard. I said "Sorry Miss Anna I did not mean to scare you." She looks at me and caught her breath and said. "I know and no problem as I was going to have to have a bowel movement today anyway sooner or later."



Didn't you help her with her laundry cart?


----------



## Joker

Shotha said:


> Didn't you help her with her laundry cart?


Laundry shart after that.


----------



## Joker

AuntHen said:


> ^No.


And again I ask No to what.


----------



## Joker

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 62 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.


----------



## CPProp

Two Nuns Are Driving Through Transylvania When A Vampire Jumps On The Car

Nun 1: "Quick! Show him your cross!"

Nun 2: *Opens Window* "Get off my car you stupid git!"


----------



## CPProp

Ayli, Aynuk and their mate Noddy Holder go into Beatties and Noddy says to one of the assistants, “I’m re-forming Slade, I want to buy some new stage clothes. I need a pair of flared trousers, a wide collar shirt, platform boots and a mirrored top hat. “Kipper Tie?” asks the assistant “Oh thanks” says Ayli and Aynuk “2 sugars and milk please


----------



## CPProp

Aynuk and Ayli fishing in the canal: “Me mates fell in the canal !!!” “Owd it appen? “ “I just took a bite ov me sanwich an the mate fell out.”


----------



## Shotha

CPProp said:


> Aynuk and Ayli fishing in the canal: “Me mates fell in the canal !!!” “Owd it appen? “ “I just took a bite ov me sanwich an the mate fell out.”



Ee bar gum, dust they know arfer tow crate in Stafficher?


----------



## CPProp

Shotha said:


> Ee bar gum, dust they know arfer tow crate in Stafficher?



No but perhaps I should read it, lived near Wolves for a few years and got to understand the black country dialect. I'm more of a Geordy (but accentless)


----------



## CPProp

I went to the doctor the other day and asked him if he could give me something for my liver?

He gave me a pound of onions.


----------



## CPProp

Due to the hot weather and water shortage in the UK, all swimming baths to close two lanes.


----------



## CPProp

Two men are having a conversation: 
- I’ve been married three times but all three wives passed away. 
- Really? How did that happen? 
- My first wife died after eating poisonous mushrooms... 
- No kidding? And the second? 
- She too passed away after eating poisonous mushrooms. 
- Unbelievable! And the third? 
- My third wife died from a skull fracture. 
- Really? How did this happen? 
- She refused to eat the mushrooms!!!


----------



## CPProp

My Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone in this home – very sad. I said how is he getting on in this home? She said ‘oh he’s like a fish out of water’, I said ‘is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘no he’s dead’


----------



## CPProp

I once got a puncture in a place called Hindley Green, on the outskirts of Wigan. I pulled into the garage and said, ‘Have you got an Airline?’ He said, ‘Push off, we’ve not even got a bus station.'


----------



## CPProp

It was a tough school, The teacher said to the class ‘What comes after a sentence? The kid says: ‘You make an appeal


----------



## CPProp

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?


----------



## Joker

CPProp said:


> Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?


----------



## CPProp

Was thinking of ending it all by putting my head in the gas oven, - but then realised I’d not be able to afford the gas bill.


----------



## Joker

CPProp said:


> Was thinking of ending it all by putting my head in the gas oven, - but then realised I’d not be able to afford the gas bill.


So you had to pass the gas.


----------



## Funtastic curves

Joker said:


> So you had to pass the gas.


----------



## Joker

Funtastic curves said:


> View attachment 151549


Come on, you know me better than most.


----------



## Funtastic curves

I pass by this ancient mailbox every day on my way to work. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old. 
After 3 years of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to which it could possibly serve anyway. Any home it serviced was long ago torn down I’m sure. 
I noticed an ancient letter inside as you can see in picture #2. I looked at the post mark date and it said July 7, 1903. Due to age and moisture the addressee on the envelope was not readable, so I opened up the envelope hoping to find some local history and a good story I could share with you.
Here is what the letter inside said. “We have been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.”


----------



## Joker

*And this is how it is done.

What can you say to get a Karen to go away?

Ha! Stand by for my way!

I was entering a shopping center parking lot that had a stop sign at the end of a 100+ yard driveway. The car in front of me hesitated while a car crossed from right to left.
A Karen had pulled up behind me and honked trying to get me to move. Of course I couldn’t move with a car in front me. I didn’t shoot the bird or do anything else that would anger her. But she followed me to my parking spot just so she could yell at me.

“Why didn’t you go?” 

“Uh? There was a car in front of me?”

“No there wasn’t! You’re a liar! I want your driver’s license right now!”
Realizing that I was never going to win this argument, I stepped away and loudly said “Lady, I’m not going to have sex with you right here in the parking lot!”
She drove away quite quickly.*


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## NZ Mountain Man

All children are a gift. Some like me are gifted by Lucifer himself.


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## NZ Mountain Man

Oh to be skinny or fat. 
To be fat means eating excessive calories. That is expensive.
To be skinny means eating healthy. Much the same amount of food but costs more.
Looking at my budget I going to be 210 pounds.


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## NZ Mountain Man

I am not as bad as him. I can take pleasure in someone being miserable without being the one that made them miserable.


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## NZ Mountain Man

This is my normality so I am being normal.

I do not have a substance problem so long as i do not have a problem getting my substance.


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## Funtastic curves

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Join us to Laugh Let's Laugh


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