# BHMs, don't give up ...



## Zagnut (Jun 23, 2006)

I've been large all my life, and my love life has suffered as a result.

I was always a good guy, but I seeemed to attract the worst women. I was perpetually a big brother and a friend, but never anyone my throngs of female friends would consider dating.

I lost my virginity to a prostitute when I was 24, because I couldn't find a single woman that would go on a even second date with me. I even tried hooking up with men out of just a need to have basic human affection and to sate my skin hunger.

I married the first woman that had claimed to love me and she treated my like dirt. She used me, abused me and spent me out of house and home and nearly left me destitute when she left me for another thinner man.

Oh, I had some rendevous and girlfriends after her, everyone merely tolerating my size. I was cheated on by nearly all of them. They all wanted me back at some point, only because I would do anything for someone I cared about, and I couple times I tried being forgiving, but in the end I was very much alone in the world.

I wanted to give up, and ended up being an effective male whore, doing what I could to please the few women that entered my life as anything more than friends. For years I imparted many orgasms to women but never was touched myself. I barely existed anymore.

I little less than a year ago I met a true FFA who saw me for the first time. We've been together ever since and she loves me dearly. She is a passionate lover, a true partner and doesn't look down on me for my sordid past.

Guys, there is hope. Many times I held the razor blade against my wrist, but continued to try and find someone. I did what I could to find love for myself, since none existed for me anywhere else. I truly appreciate my love, and she adores me.

I once thought love never existed for someone like me, but if a former wretch like me found true love, it can be for anyone.

Good Luck.


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## Fat Gary NYC (Jun 24, 2006)

Zagnut said:


> . . . I met a true FFA who saw me for the first time. We've been together ever since and she loves me dearly.



How did you meet? How did your meeting evolve into a relationship?


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## Skinny_FFA (Jun 24, 2006)

Thank you so much for sharing the story of your life. It always makes me sad to hear that nice, goodlooking and also clever BHM cant find a woman who truly appriciates their qualities. Im so glad that your story has a happy-end and you´ve posted it to keep the hope alive!


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## Ladyrose1952 (Jun 24, 2006)

Thank you so much for telling use your story. There are many of us out here that have not had real love in our life.
It is nice to know that in time, someday, it may happen for me too.
I am not looking for love at this stage of my life because I am not sure a man could deal with my idiosincracy's, but I keep thinking that there may be luck for me yet.
I am happy for you and that you are so open about your views too.
Thank you again.


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## GordoNegro (Jun 24, 2006)

You've been thru a lot.
Just glad you did find that rainbow at the end of the tunnel.
Plenty of wives/husbands are presently still being left at home due to their partner's 'embarassment' of being with them.
Just goes to show quality women along with good men are hard to find, though definately glad you found the woman to make you whole.
Sounds like a true soulmate.
I've heard you are lucky if you encounter 3 of them within your lifetime.


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## Zagnut (Jun 26, 2006)

Fat Gary NYC said:


> How did you meet? How did your meeting evolve into a relationship?



I used to get dragged out as a sort of safe personal bouncer for a couple legitimate but very platonic only female friends ....they were mostly lesbians. My "girlfriend to be" was getting a drink at the bar at the same time I stepped up there and she simply said hi, and we struck up a conversation.

I didn't really think anything would come of it, but I was friendly, respectful and managed to get her number saying I needed to get back to my friends, which a table full of women I was at did offer a certain bit of interest for her I later learned. I called her the next day, and we had a long talk that turning into a coffee get together the next day. I invited her back to her to my place and later that night we were making out. I gentleman does not elaborate beyond that.


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## bbanditx79 (Jul 2, 2006)

Wow that's really quiet saddening. I think sometimes people tend to overlook us BHM's and the trials and tribulations we face in trying to meet someone. BBW's tend to get all the simpathy, but people don't realize that we BHM's face alot of criticism and have a hard time meeting women since a lot of times skinny/average sized women won't pay us the time of day and there seems to be a trend among some BBW's that they too don't date BHM's ... something about I'm big so I don' want to date someone else big.

Anyways thanks for sharing your story and best of luck with your current relationship.

Rodney


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## mossystate (Jul 3, 2006)

bbanditx79 said:


> Wow that's really quiet saddening. I think sometimes people tend to overlook us BHM's and the trials and tribulations we face in trying to meet someone. BBW's tend to get all the simpathy, but people don't realize that we BHM's face alot of criticism and have a hard time meeting women since a lot of times skinny/average sized women won't pay us the time of day and there seems to be a trend among some BBW's that they too don't date BHM's ... something about I'm big so I don' want to date someone else big.
> 
> Anyways thanks for sharing your story and best of luck with your current relationship.
> 
> Rodney


 Hi, just thought I would check out this particular forum, since I have visited most of the others.You said it is a 'trend among BBW's'...for me it is about preference..pure and simple.....I am sure you have your preferences..yes?

It is not a matter of me not wanting to date big, because I am big.Having said that, I have been attracted to a few larger men, but overall, I am attracted to men smaller than moi...and thats what makes the world so grand..we all like what we like..*S*

And for the record, there are more big men finding it easier to find dates, than it is for larger women..look around.


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## bbanditx79 (Jul 4, 2006)

mossystate said:


> Hi, just thought I would check out this particular forum, since I have visited most of the others.You said it is a 'trend among BBW's'...for me it is about preference..pure and simple.....I am sure you have your preferences..yes?
> 
> It is not a matter of me not wanting to date big, because I am big.Having said that, I have been attracted to a few larger men, but overall, I am attracted to men smaller than moi...and thats what makes the world so grand..we all like what we like..*S*
> 
> And for the record, there are more big men finding it easier to find dates, than it is for larger women..look around.



I know when I made that comment it'd be a touchy subject. It always is ... and not ironicially you said the same thing women always say in response. Sure everyone has preferences, but I'm more talking about those whom just explicitly won't even consider a big guy ... even if he is everything else she is looking for just a bit bigger. Also it's always funny when a lot of those same bbw's are clamoring for acceptance and wanting people to get to know them regardless of their size and they aren't even willing to do the same thing to their male counterparts. I'd say the same thing about BHM's whom want acceptance, but won't consider even dating a BBW ... treat others as you wish to be treat is all I'm really saying. Don't expect others to treat you one way if you treat others the same way others treat you.

As for you last part of the comment. Personally, I see far more single big guys than big girls. Not to mention I see BBW's getting hit on by guys all the time. Both my sisters are bbw's (although not the same size) as well as my mother and they all get approached and hit on by guys (usually skinny/average-size) all the time and they can pretty much have their pick of the litter as to whom they want to date and talk to. As far as seeing lots of big guys with women sure I do see a lot of OLDER big guys with women ... but that's usually because they got together when they were both younger and the guy got the proverbial "beer gut/belly" as time went on.

As a side note the one thing I will say that big men have over big women is that the more money, power, status, and/or fame we have the more women we can get regardless of our size ... not a great thing to have to say, but that's reality .... heck maybe that's why those big guys you talked of seeing had women on their arms .....


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## Skinny_FFA (Jul 4, 2006)

> I have been attracted to a few larger men, but overall, I am attracted to men smaller than moi...and thats what makes the world so grand..we all like what we like..*S*



Yeah and the opposite is the case for me. I´ve dated guys slim like me for other likeable features but had to figure out with time that I´m only *really* attracted by men at least twice my weight.


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## mossystate (Jul 4, 2006)

bbanditx79 said:


> I know when I made that comment it'd be a touchy subject. It always is ... and not ironicially you said the same thing women always say in response. Sure everyone has preferences, but I'm more talking about those whom just explicitly won't even consider a big guy ... even if he is everything else she is looking for just a bit bigger. Also it's always funny when a lot of those same bbw's are clamoring for acceptance and wanting people to get to know them regardless of their size and they aren't even willing to do the same thing to their male counterparts. I'd say the same thing about BHM's whom want acceptance, but won't consider even dating a BBW ... treat others as you wish to be treat is all I'm really saying. Don't expect others to treat you one way if you treat others the same way others treat you.
> 
> As for you last part of the comment. Personally, I see far more single big guys than big girls. Not to mention I see BBW's getting hit on by guys all the time. Both my sisters are bbw's (although not the same size) as well as my mother and they all get approached and hit on by guys (usually skinny/average-size) all the time and they can pretty much have their pick of the litter as to whom they want to date and talk to. As far as seeing lots of big guys with women sure I do see a lot of OLDER big guys with women ... but that's usually because they got together when they were both younger and the guy got the proverbial "beer gut/belly" as time went on.
> 
> As a side note the one thing I will say that big men have over big women is that the more money, power, status, and/or fame we have the more women we can get regardless of our size ... not a great thing to have to say, but that's reality .... heck maybe that's why those big guys you talked of seeing had women on their arms .....




I can and do get to know people of all shapes and sizes...BUT...the things that make parts of me twitch have to be there....acceptance is not always going to mean ATTRACTION(physical attraction).I am not offended by an individual thin man not being attracted to big women.

And I still stand by my saying that bigger guys have an easier time finding women..than vice versa...sorry...that is reality.


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## William (Jul 4, 2006)

Hi mossystate

I think that you can not compare the plight of BBWs and BHMs in the dating field because you will never have a large of a community of FFAs around for BHMs like BBWs have in FAs. 

By all reports there are not even enough FAs at BBW Dances for the BBWs that attend. Well there is not even such a event for BHMs  Also the size of the numbers of FFAs online and at events is a result of the same problems that BHMs have in real life, Women will not overtly show their feelings like Men do. 

If a man in real life hates or loves BBWs he will make his feeling known.

William






mossystate said:


> I can and do get to know people of all shapes and sizes...BUT...the things that make parts of me twitch have to be there....acceptance is not always going to mean ATTRACTION(physical attraction).I am not offended by an individual thin man not being attracted to big women.
> 
> And I still stand by my saying that bigger guys have an easier time finding women..than vice versa...sorry...that is reality.


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## PolarKat (Jul 4, 2006)

mossystate said:


> I can and do get to know people of all shapes and sizes...BUT...the things that make parts of me twitch have to be there....acceptance is not always going to mean ATTRACTION(physical attraction).I am not offended by an individual thin man not being attracted to big women.
> 
> And I still stand by my saying that bigger guys have an easier time finding women..than vice versa...sorry...that is reality.



I call that plain malarkey.. You are just feeding and creating a stereotype.. Saying that fat men have an easier time, is just like poking us in the eye when we're down, bad enough that resources don't exist for us, but the one place that does has to be hostile as well..

I'm not going to say that women have it easier, the BBW's have better odds mainly due to human nature, but that will NEVER account for the indivdual experience, there are very pleasant women who post on this board, which I can completely identify with, and share their angst in finding someone, some would have it easier, some have a harder time, gender doesn't play into it.. 

By posting this kind of Men have it easier crap, you force us to respond, which does nothing good in both senses, it just further outlines how fat people hate, or need to belittle other fat people to make themselves feel better.. If ask the reason behind that post what would be your answer? Was it to enlighted the person who posted their experience? was it to help them in any way? Was it to share a thought? Please let me know..


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## SoVerySoft (Jul 4, 2006)

bbanditx79 said:


> ...Sure everyone has preferences, but I'm more talking about those whom just explicitly won't even consider a big guy ... even if he is everything else she is looking for just a bit bigger...



bbanditx - I know what you mean, and maybe some big guys would be ok with that, but like zagnut was saying, it's not so great to be with someone who is tolerating your size. It is so much better to be with someone who enjoys, appreciates and celebrates your size.

I have female friends (BBWs) who tell me that they want someone to love them for the person within, and not for their size. But me - I need both. I never want to be self-conscious or feel a need to apologize for my size with a significant other. I want him to lust for me. I won't settle for less.


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## mossystate (Jul 4, 2006)

PolarKat said:


> I call that plain malarkey.. You are just feeding and creating a stereotype.. Saying that fat men have an easier time, is just like poking us in the eye when we're down, bad enough that resources don't exist for us, but the one place that does has to be hostile as well..
> 
> I'm not going to say that women have it easier, the BBW's have better odds mainly due to human nature, but that will NEVER account for the indivdual experience, there are very pleasant women who post on this board, which I can completely identify with, and share their angst in finding someone, some would have it easier, some have a harder time, gender doesn't play into it..
> 
> By posting this kind of Men have it easier crap, you force us to respond, which does nothing good in both senses, it just further outlines how fat people hate, or need to belittle other fat people to make themselves feel better.. If ask the reason behind that post what would be your answer? Was it to enlighted the person who posted their experience? was it to help them in any way? Was it to share a thought? Please let me know..



Get as puffed up as you want...you will have to act like a schoolboy...elsewhere.

I look around and I SEE many more fat men paired up than I do fat women.I know you will now say that I am imagining this.I said easiER..NOT easy.I simply responded to someone who said that fat women will not date men who are as fat or fatter than them.Damnation..we are ALL allowed our preferences!! I suppose I should be pissy that this man said that thin/skinny women do not give him the time of day.I should tell him he should only date fat women.There ARE fat men who are not at all attractedt o fat women...SO??

I belittled NOONE..and you need to watch how you throw around these words and feelings.


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## mossystate (Jul 4, 2006)

William said:


> Hi mossystate
> 
> I think that you can not compare the plight of BBWs and BHMs in the dating field because you will never have a large of a community of FFAs around for BHMs like BBWs have in FAs.
> 
> ...



Hey William,

I am not even talking about official labels..lol..FFA..FA..etc...I am simply talking about the number of men who are 'larger' and are not viewed in the same harsh light as women who are larger.I think it becomes more equal when the people(male OR female) become quite large.But let's face it, men are allowed to be husky..healthy..ex-ballplayerp ) looking.Women are pounded with the messages that the slightest of potbellies is a fate worse than death.Women tend to be not as judgmental if a man has a few or more pounds on him, and that is why big men have many more options in the ...on the ..dating field.( I know a few will pounce on that ..again..*sigh*..not saying EASY!!!)

Monique


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## troyad (Jul 4, 2006)

I think the way you define "larger" plays significantly in this argument. If we're talking a guy that's 5'10 230 then I'm going to agree with mossy. I personally don't consider that a fat guy. If you're not 300+ don't go around calling yourself a fat guy...it's insulting


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## PolarKat (Jul 4, 2006)

mossystate said:


> Get as puffed up as you want...you will have to act like a schoolboy...elsewhere.
> 
> I look around and I SEE many more fat men paired up than I do fat women.I know you will now say that I am imagining this.I said easiER..NOT easy.I simply responded to someone who said that fat women will not date men who are as fat or fatter than them.Damnation..we are ALL allowed our preferences!! I suppose I should be pissy that this man said that thin/skinny women do not give him the time of day.I should tell him he should only date fat women.There ARE fat men who are not at all attractedt o fat women...SO??
> 
> I belittled NOONE..and you need to watch how you throw around these words and feelings.



Firstly, unless you're reading imaginary text, I never mentioned anything about anyone's personal preference. Secondly he was simply venting his personal experience and anguish, such things are jaded and will always be exagerated. You brought nothing positive, you just trolled in.. 

and he said *"there seems to be a trend among some BBW's that they too don't date BHM's ... something about I'm big so I don' want to date someone else big."*

I don't see a "definate" or him singling out all of women kind's preferences.. note the word "seems".. 

and he said *"since a lot of times skinny/average sized women won't pay us the time "*
Again please note the "a lot" which does not define all

let me requote my own text *but that will NEVER account for the indivdual experience*
So a 450lb man has an easier time at dating than a BBW? or is it all down to the individual, and NOT the gender.. you knew nothing of this person, didn't add anything but negative to what he was trying to convey..

If someone's puffing and needs to watch how to throw words in feelings I suggest you consult yourself.

and once again since you avoided the question
If ask I the reason behind that post what would be your answer? Was it to enlighted the person who posted their experience? was it to help them in any way? Was it to share a thought? Please let me know..


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## missaf (Jul 4, 2006)

Let's keep this civil, guys


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## William (Jul 5, 2006)

Hi Monique

I do not even consider men with a few extra pounds to be fat or even stocky!! Football players are tall as heck and need to very fat to get a rounded look

Fat Women have had Fat Acceptance to support them and that is one thing Fat Men have never had. There has never been a masculine side of Fat promoted by Fat Acceptance.

In non-romantic encounters Fat Women get far more abuse, yet in the malls and parks you are far more likely to see a BBW with a partner than a BHM with a partner. 

I think that BBWs confuse the public abuse that they get with the acceptance of Fat Men What I mean is that BBWs assume that because Fat Men get less public displays of Fat Abuse that we are more accepted instead of just being more feared because of our capacity for violence as men. If women in general committed as many murders as men, the public reactions to BBWs and BHM would be much closer.

Indirect comments about BHMs (Ads, the internet and third party conversations) are just as awful as BBWs.

William





mossystate said:


> Hey William,
> 
> I am not even talking about official labels..lol..FFA..FA..etc...I am simply talking about the number of men who are 'larger' and are not viewed in the same harsh light as women who are larger.I think it becomes more equal when the people(male OR female) become quite large.But let's face it, men are allowed to be husky..healthy..ex-ballplayerp ) looking.Women are pounded with the messages that the slightest of potbellies is a fate worse than death.Women tend to be not as judgmental if a man has a few or more pounds on him, and that is why big men have many more options in the ...on the ..dating field.( I know a few will pounce on that ..again..*sigh*..not saying EASY!!!)
> 
> Monique


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## Fat Gary NYC (Jul 5, 2006)

Zagnut said:


> . . . [a] gentleman does not elaborate beyond that.



No need to. My experiences with women have been few and far between, so much so that it's always been a mystery to me as far as exactly _how_ a platonic relationship evolves into the next level.

Still is, unfortunately.


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## missaf (Jul 5, 2006)

Fat Gary NYC said:


> No need to. My experiences with women have been few and far between, so much so that it's always been a mystery to me as far as exactly _how_ a platonic relationship evolves into the next level.
> 
> Still is, unfortunately.



See, despite all my experience (I'm not a hussy, I swear!), most of my relationships Do NOT go past platonic into a next level. Maybe I'm just a better friend than lifemate, but it's common place in my life to be the friend, and never more than that. The two times it was more than friends, one guy was lying to himself, the other was too scared by the future to take it any farther.


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## mossystate (Jul 5, 2006)

PolarKat said:


> Firstly, unless you're reading imaginary text, I never mentioned anything about anyone's personal preference. Secondly he was simply venting his personal experience and anguish, such things are jaded and will always be exagerated. You brought nothing positive, you just trolled in..
> 
> and he said *"there seems to be a trend among some BBW's that they too don't date BHM's ... something about I'm big so I don' want to date someone else big."*
> 
> ...


 Kitty..it is what I SEE..and as a 'bbw' I hear the same crap from many 'bhm' about many big women being horrible and not being attracted to big men.Many thin people have this idea as well(when it comes to big men OR women)..that fat people should be open to dating any and all..because..golly gee..who are we to think we have the right to pick and choose...THAT was what I was responding to....I shared a thought..you just did not like it..oy...



*and as a fat woman..I have every right to be here at Dims...talking..replying to posts..etc...You seem(SEEM) to be someone who just wants to snarl and spit..enjoy*


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## mossystate (Jul 5, 2006)

William said:


> Hi Monique
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 William,

I was not talking about official organizations or ideas..I was simply saying that at almost 44 years of age, I have seen more big men have luck in the dating pool.This does not mean all have had said luck..does not mean many do not experience loneliness.
I guess we hang out in different malls and parks..lol..because we are seeing VERY different things.

M


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## PolarKat (Jul 5, 2006)

mossystate said:


> Kitty..it is what I SEE..and as a 'bbw' I hear the same crap from many 'bhm' about many big women being horrible and not being attracted to big men.



nevermind.. pointless, just re-read what he wrote without being angy and look at it objectivly..


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## PolarKat (Jul 5, 2006)

missaf said:


> See, despite all my experience (I'm not a hussy, I swear!), most of my relationships Do NOT go past platonic into a next level. Maybe I'm just a better friend than lifemate, but it's common place in my life to be the friend, and never more than that. The two times it was more than friends, one guy was lying to himself, the other was too scared by the future to take it any farther.



But doesn't a best friend make for a much better, or ideal lifemate than a soley physical attraction, or in*fat*uation (didn't notice that before  )


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## mossystate (Jul 5, 2006)

PolarKat said:


> nevermind.. pointless, just re-read what he wrote without being angy and look at it objectivly..



Oh..I will get right on that, kitty..whatever you say..oy..oy..andVEY!!..LOL


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## PolarKat (Jul 5, 2006)

mossystate said:


> ..oy..oy..andVEY!!..LOL



Just curious.. what that about?


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## mossystate (Jul 5, 2006)

PolarKat said:


> Just curious.. what that about?


 

:doh: 

you just said nevermind and that is(or I) was pointless..then 'instructed' me to go re-read something..

kitty..was not..am not..angry...sometimes people have opinions..really..I swear..


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 5, 2006)

A few things I've noticed:

Women rarely have to be "in the closet*" about dating fat men. You see it all over the media: The fat guy dating the thin woman, from _The Honeymooners_ to _The King of Queens_.

There seems to be this societal notion that men need to be bigger than women within a heterosexual relationship. While I admit it turns me on for a guy to be taller and heavier than I am, I don't think this is necessary or that really this is my own preference so much as something I've been trained to think is more attractive. 

There's no real active fat lesbian movement that's as well-known as the gay bear movement.

Sure, fat men are often emasculated and treated like crap, but we at least acknowledge they exist. 

*No one "has got to be" in the closet. Y'know what I mean.


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## PolarKat (Jul 5, 2006)

mossystate said:


> :doh:
> 
> you just said nevermind and that is(or I) was pointless..then 'instructed' me to go re-read something..
> 
> kitty..was not..am not..angry...sometimes people have opinions..really..I swear..



The never mind, was since I was going back and cutting and pasting (and getting sea sick) about what he said, not refered to you at all. 
is the "oy vay" is that a shortening of oy vaysmere?


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## missaf (Jul 5, 2006)

PolarKat said:


> But doesn't a best friend make for a much better, or ideal lifemate than a soley physical attraction, or in*fat*uation (didn't notice that before  )



Defnitely! It just never gets beyond being friends, which is incredibly frustrating for this horny girl


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## William (Jul 5, 2006)

Hi SL

That is just in TV Land and the Fat Husband usually plays the buffoon and on the HoneyMooners Ralph Kramden's wife was a bitter sour woman and his apartment looked like the inside of a Crackhouse.

His thin friend Ed Norton has a nice wife and a nice apartment (in the same building!!)

I sometimes think that Fat Acceptance does just as much emasculating of Fat Men as the rest of the world, there never has been a Fat Acceptance campaign shouting out that Fat is Masculine!!

I always thought that Fat Acceptance should not be connected/determined by how Big and Beautiful a Woman is or how Big and Handsome a Man is.

William







TheSadeianLinguist said:


> A few things I've noticed:
> 
> Women rarely have to be "in the closet*" about dating fat men. You see it all over the media: The fat guy dating the thin woman, from _The Honeymooners_ to _The King of Queens_.
> 
> ...


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## Fat Gary NYC (Jul 5, 2006)

William said:


> That is just in TV Land and the Fat Husband usually plays the buffoon and on the HoneyMooners Ralph Kramden's wife was a bitter sour woman and his apartment looked like the inside of a Crackhouse.


Don't know if I'd go to _that_ extreme, I always thought he was just cheap. But then again $58 a week (or whatever he made) only goes so far!  

Anyways in the end Ralph's schemes were always motivated by a desire to do good to Alice... and in the end Alice loved him too, she was neither bitter nor sour.

But you're right in that the fat husband always seems to be a buffoon of some kind. Peter Griffin (Family Guy) and Homer Simpson (Simpsons) come to mind, although they're cartoons, therefore exaggerated caricatures.

About the only show where the big husband is not treated as a joke was Roseanne; is the fact that both husband _and_ wife are large a factor in his being "normal"?


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## missaf (Jul 5, 2006)

Dan and Roseanne Conner were real people, it wasn't really a sitcom family to me. I learned a lot of life lessons from Dan Conner, maybe that's why I like teddy bear men taller than me, too


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## pattycake (Jul 11, 2006)

bbanditx79 said:


> Personally, I see far more single big guys than big girls. Not to mention I see BBW's getting hit on by guys all the time. Both my sisters are bbw's (although not the same size) as well as my mother and they all get approached and hit on by guys (usually skinny/average-size) all the time and they can pretty much have their pick of the litter as to whom they want to date and talk to. As far as seeing lots of big guys with women sure I do see a lot of OLDER big guys with women ... but that's usually because they got together when they were both younger and the guy got the proverbial "beer gut/belly" as time went on.



Men (FAs or otherwise) are more likely to hit on women than women (FFAs or otherwise) are likely to hit on men. Therefore, big women are more likely to get hit on than big guys because in our society we (mistakenly) believe that men should make the moves. BHMs are less likely to make the moves than other guys and women are unlikely to make the moves on any man at all because we're conditioned to think it's the man's job. Hence, the guys thinking 'No FFAs ever hit on me' and the girls thinking 'No BHMs ever hit on me'. Maybe we FFAs have got to get more proactive and start making those moves. *gulp*


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## philosobear (Jul 12, 2006)

Responding first, if I may, to the post that began this thread, rather than to the exchanges since, Zagnut that is a story well written. Thanks for sharing it, and congratulations on finding a good woman. 

In response to those who have posted since, let's face it, the rules of attraction are different for everyone. What stops one person getting dates may not constrain another. 

What is brilliant about this post is it shows someone overcoming the life pattern that has been so painful for them, and getting a new start. Imagine your own worst sticking point, and then imagine overcoming it. That is what this man has achieved. I'm glad he told us. 

Peace out. 
J.


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## SoVerySoft (Jul 12, 2006)

philosobear said:


> Responding first, if I may, to the post that began this thread, rather than to the exchanges since, Zagnut that is a story well written. Thanks for sharing it, and congratulations on finding a good woman.
> 
> In response to those who have posted since, let's face it, the rules of attraction are different for everyone. What stops one person getting dates may not constrain another.
> 
> ...




Excellent response, philosobear.


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## William (Jul 12, 2006)

Hi 

Great post!

Would you say that BBWs are less likely to make a move than thinner Women?

William




pattycake said:


> Men (FAs or otherwise) are more likely to hit on women than women (FFAs or otherwise) are likely to hit on men. Therefore, big women are more likely to get hit on than big guys because in our society we (mistakenly) believe that men should make the moves. BHMs are less likely to make the moves than other guys and women are unlikely to make the moves on any man at all because we're conditioned to think it's the man's job. Hence, the guys thinking 'No FFAs ever hit on me' and the girls thinking 'No BHMs ever hit on me'. Maybe we FFAs have got to get more proactive and start making those moves. *gulp*


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## pattycake (Jul 12, 2006)

William said:


> Hi
> 
> Great post!
> 
> ...



I couldn't really say, William. Possibly, but it would depend on the particular woman and the situation. 



philosobear said:


> Responding first, if I may, to the post that began this thread, rather than to the exchanges since, Zagnut that is a story well written. Thanks for sharing it, and congratulations on finding a good woman.
> 
> In response to those who have posted since, let's face it, the rules of attraction are different for everyone. What stops one person getting dates may not constrain another.
> 
> ...



Well said!


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## out.of.habit (Jul 12, 2006)

I think we're beginning to mix issues here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe we started out discussing the difficulties in the dating field for BHMs. It seems to have snowballed into a discussion of that, plus the problems that women in general face in regard to double standards of appearance and work, as well as the plight of the BBW.

I think that each person is making some valid points here, but I want to be careful not to lose the feeling that we began with. It sounds like some BHMs feel like they have a hard time dating, and they experience a double standard in that they seem to run into more BBWs that date easily than BHMs. It also sounds like some of the BBWs run into exactly the opposite. These options are not mutually exclusive! Just because one happens does not mean that the other doesn't. 

It is hard out there to find love and attraction period, nevermind adding something so heatedly debated as being fat. 
I think everyone is trying to make similar points from different sides of the fence. Let's not defend ourselves so much that we miss the opportunity to support one another.

Just a thought, no judgements.


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## William (Jul 13, 2006)

This is a good post.

I have heard very few BHMs who identify with some of the statements described here, BHMs are not really accepted by society and in their own way experience Fat negativity.

I think that it is OK for BHMs to defend their life experiences because there are many that feel that experiences shared by BHMs are not valid and continue to promote how accepted BHMs are by society. Fat Acceptance is about telling our experiences and if BHMs do not share their past, it will end up being told by someone else.

On the other hand when BHMs defend their views they should not minimize BBWs experiences, just because theirs have been minimized.

Basically I am saying for everyone to just share their own experiences and do not guess about the experiences of others.

About seeing more BBWs at the Mall partners, I think that the reason is that Women are more prone to drag their partners to the Mall with them. If a guy wants to go the Mall he just goes. Also in households the female is the primary shopper anyway. 

William




out.of.habit said:


> I think we're beginning to mix issues here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe we started out discussing the difficulties in the dating field for BHMs. It seems to have snowballed into a discussion of that, plus the problems that women in general face in regard to double standards of appearance and work, as well as the plight of the BBW.
> 
> I think that each person is making some valid points here, but I want to be careful not to lose the feeling that we began with. It sounds like some BHMs feel like they have a hard time dating, and they experience a double standard in that they seem to run into more BBWs that date easily than BHMs. It also sounds like some of the BBWs run into exactly the opposite. These options are not mutually exclusive! Just because one happens does not mean that the other doesn't.
> 
> ...


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## out.of.habit (Jul 13, 2006)

Sometimes it is hard to see another's point of view when emotions run high, and one feels strongly about something. Thanks for supporting what I said, that made my day. )



William said:


> This is a good post.
> 
> I have heard very few BHMs who identify with some of the statements described here, BHMs are not really accepted by society and in their own way experience Fat negativity.
> 
> ...


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## Zagnut (Jul 17, 2006)

First off, I'd like to thanks those that expressed gratitude and offered kind words about my original post. It wasn't easy for me to share that (even behind the relative anonymity of this forum handle), and I wanted to offer a bit of hope to those that might be in the same place I once was.

I do admit that I am a bit saddened that my post seems to have started a whole "who has it worst" debate, and I once was of the "it sucks to be a BHM" camp ... because I was a BHM that had a sucky life. I do however find it hard to value evidence based on sitcoms. We all know that married couples slept in the same beds well before the 70s, as well as all problems not fixing themselves after only 30 minutes of laugh track. Some BHMs and some BBWs do have it better that their counterparts, but as a whole the current state of size-acceptance is in a pretty dismal state if we are all going to spending our time griping at one another about how the grass is greener on the other's side!

I had a hard time finding a decent woman for a long time, because I was in a bad place with dismal self-esteem. I was fodder for predators and users. I was the problem because I was so starved for human contact that I didn't send these women packing from my life because I was willing to take it for what little intimacy scraps I could glean from their associations with me, and I failed to see them for what they were. There are many guys out there just as bad to women as these women were to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, it doesn't matter if BBWs or BHMs have it better. It's up to you to make a difference. If you prefer partners who are bigger or smaller, enjoy and good hunting. I love my girlfriend, and I don't care how big or small she becomes, I'm keeping her. What attracted me to her in the first place had precious little to do with her size when it all came down to it.

None of us have it particularly easy here, whether you love thin or thicker people. What is important is that you do love, rather than be miserably alone pushing people away like I once did. Take it from me, I came very close to dragging the razor blade across my wrists at points in my life, but now I love every minute of life. I love my girl, myself and I wish you all the best.

Zagnut


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