# Am I a traitor? I feel like one...



## Kimberleigh (Jul 26, 2006)

I've been leery of posting this, but here goes any dang way....

I want to lose some serious weight - about 130 pounds. That will make me 220 AND still overweight by the BMI charts, and still fat in society's eyes, the ridiculous numbers that I am supposed to be (159-174) are fantasy land - I don't want to look like a xylophone and I do at 170, I've been there.

I want to be healthier than I am right now. I had some blood work done a couple of days ago...not so good. The cholesterol is low, the LDL is low, but the good cholesterol, the HDL is way low. I am on the very low end of pre-diabetic for fasting blood sugar!!!:shocked: 
IF I carry on, I'm going to have problems down the road. I don't want that. I refuse.

I've learned a great deal about size acceptance here, and I thank everyone for graciously sharing knowledge and making me think. 
I just feel like it's inappropriate for me to continue to be a contributing member here, I'm NOT accepting my own size, so how can I put forth anything useful here...I'm conflicted, so I'm doing what I normally do, shutting up now.

Thanks.


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## TraciJo67 (Jul 26, 2006)

Why would you feel like a traitor? A traitor to what? Do you actively (or even subconsciously) discriminate against fat people? Do you feel that fat people are somehow inferior to thin people? Why would you feel that to be a "member in good standing" of fat acceptance, you must be fat (or whole-heartedly embrace your fat, even if it causes you health/mobility problems)? 

You belong here. Please don't let anyone make you feel otherwise, no matter how you choose to address your own personal concerns.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 26, 2006)

Of course not Kimberleigh. You are in the same boat a lot of us are in. It's your choice how you lose weight and how much you lose. Even tho I have strong feelings against WLS I understand why some people do it - and it is their body and their choice.

I'm trying to gain some mobility and my health back and that means losing some weight. I'm starting by wanting to lose 50 and then we will see how it goes. 

Do it the way you feel best about - and don't let anyone tell you you are a taitor. 

And Good Luck!


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## fatlane (Jul 27, 2006)

Kimberleigh. Why do you need us to validate what you want to do? We support you. Do what you gotta do.


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## Santaclear (Jul 27, 2006)

No way would losing weight make you a traitor! It's your body, not anyone else's.


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## RedVelvet (Jul 27, 2006)

Kimberleigh said:


> I've been leery of posting this, but here goes any dang way....
> 
> I want to lose some serious weight - about 130 pounds. That will make me 220 AND still overweight by the BMI charts, and still fat in society's eyes, the ridiculous numbers that I am supposed to be (159-174) are fantasy land - I don't want to look like a xylophone and I do at 170, I've been there.
> 
> ...



Baby Doll....size acceptance isnt the same as size apathy...you GET to want to be smaller....you get to take those steps. Wanting to take care of yourself is good.

Acceptance is about not treating yourself and others badly because of their size....thats it in a nutshell.

So take care of yourself!....

I want to lose 50 myself....just because I need more energy to be the driven artist I am..... Not sure how, but do want it.

Given I can fast for 3 days without dropping a pound...have mono and not lose weight......I am rather baffled as to how I can make this happen...but I am looking into it.

So there...we're "traitors" together.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 27, 2006)

I don't see a reason for feeling like a traitor. Look, you need to be healthy. If losing weight will do that for you, or you think it will, go for it. If it doesn't work, well, it's pretty easy to get fat again. You're never going to be Kate Moss. You're not trying to do that. 

Part of accepting your body is making necessary changes to better it.


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## Donna (Jul 27, 2006)

You say you don't accept your size, but do you accept yourself? We're ALL conflicted, in one way or the other. This place is about acceptance...and that means different things to different people. And I might be going out on a limb here, but I would venture to say that the majority of the folks who come here are not totally accepting of themselves or their bodies either. Self acceptance, to my understanding, isn't all or nothing....but that may just be me, I tend to compartmentalize things at times. 

It may just be semantics, but would it help if you looked at your desire to lose weight from a bit of a different perspective? Try and look at these changes you want to make away from the diet/losing weight perspective and not get hung up on numbers (I need to lose XX number of pounds.) Instead, look at the changes you want to make as positive steps to a healthy you, to help get your levels to where you want them to be. 

It's not a diet, but a change in eating patterns to healthy, well balanced nutrition. It's not exercise, but more activity/movement.

Are you considering WLS? Where better to get real opinions and unbiased information than from the folks here? There are opponents to the surgery, who share their reasons and insights why they disagree with WLS. To balance it out, we also have folks who have had WLS who are living examples that WLS is a tool that can work.

I think it's very appropriate that you continue to be a member here. That's just my opinion, though. Like Fatlane said, you don't need us to validate you. You do what it is in your heart you need to do and we'll be your support.


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## Kimberleigh (Jul 27, 2006)

Maybe the place I really need to lose some "weight" is in my own head.

Many thanks to everyone for all the support and things to think about.


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## Tad (Jul 27, 2006)

Kimberleigh said:


> I want to be healthier than I am right now. I had some blood work done a couple of days ago...not so good. The cholesterol is low, the LDL is low, but the good cholesterol, the HDL is way low. I am on the very low end of pre-diabetic for fasting blood sugar!!!:shocked:



Kimberleigh;

Of course you are not a traitor. As others have already said, it is your body, you do what you need to.

There is just one thing I want to point out. As far as I know, HDL (good) cholesterol levels come from a combination of diet and genetics. I don't think losing weight changes them. Now, being lighter might help lower your blood pressure a bit, making cholesterol issues somewhat less pressing. Still, I think the main thing with good cholesterol is diet and exercise. I'm sure you could get more expert opinions on the main board though.

Regards;

-Ed


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## Miss Vickie (Jul 28, 2006)

You've gotten such great support and advice, and I'd like to add my voice to those telling you to do what you need to do for yourself. The movement is just that -- a movement. Your body, and your relationship with your body, is of primary importance. 



edx said:


> There is just one thing I want to point out. As far as I know, HDL (good) cholesterol levels come from a combination of diet and genetics. I don't think losing weight changes them. Now, being lighter might help lower your blood pressure a bit, making cholesterol issues somewhat less pressing. Still, I think the main thing with good cholesterol is diet and exercise. I'm sure you could get more expert opinions on the main board though.



This has been my experience as well. My blood pressure has plummeted with my weight, but my HDL still remains sluggishly low. But I have a strong family history of heart disease, and even though I've lost weight and exercise it's hardly budged. The other lipids have improved, but I've noticed no real significant change yet in HDL. 

Best of luck, and let us know how we can help you, okay?


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## ripley (Jul 29, 2006)

Kimberleigh, if you leave I'm going to hold my breath till I turn blue and throw a tantrum.


We <3 you here. Please don't stop coming over this! A lot of the people here would like to be less fat.

And nobody wants a blue ripley.


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## RedHead (Jul 30, 2006)

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. But they are your feelings....may I suggest thinking hard on WHY you have a feeling a guilt? Cause that smacks of doing something morally and legally wrong....which I don't see the case for that.

I know I haven't been on in a really long time; had some issues to get through.....I'm fine now and getting more energy everyday.

Let us know if there is anything you would like to discuss specifically Kimber....it's not easy goin' it alone.


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## Damon (May 16, 2007)

Kimberleigh said:


> I've been leery of posting this, but here goes any dang way....
> 
> I want to lose some serious weight - about 130 pounds. That will make me 220 AND still overweight by the BMI charts, and still fat in society's eyes, the ridiculous numbers that I am supposed to be (159-174) are fantasy land - I don't want to look like a xylophone and I do at 170, I've been there.
> 
> ...



I dont think you are a traitor. I think you should do what you need to do to be healthy. There are many paths to obtaining your goal and I think you should try to find the one that best suits you.


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## Dibaby35 (May 17, 2007)

We live this life once...it's important to be happy and healthy. Do whatever it takes to get there. I do know though how people can be here and I understand why you are afraid to talk about this sort of thing. But come on..this is your life..does it really matter what people online think? Life is too short to worry about what others think period. Who knows maybe u don't need to loose as much as u think to get a healthier you. Just start and see where it takes u. Good luck on your journey


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## Zandoz (May 17, 2007)

Anyone who would look down on you for losing weight for what ever reason are the ones not practicing size acceptance...not accepting you at what ever size you are. They are the traitors.

First and foremost above all else you must tend to your health first....not only physical but mental. Don't let those who are clueless screw up your mental because you take care of your physical.

Good luck in doing what you have to do. {{{{{{Kimberleigh}}}}}}


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## Kimberleigh (May 17, 2007)

Seeing this thread pop back up yesterday kinda freaked me out - last summer, I worked really hard on eating better, exercising more, and had actually lost a few pounds. 
I didn't have a good autumn and then had a pretty horrible winter; I lost my job, had a horrific case of bronchitis that lingered, had other money issues, and the SAD kicked my arse this winter. 
I'm just now getting back to the point of feeling like I need to lose some weight, so here I go - taking another run at it.

Thanks to each of you for the support and kind words - those are always appreciated.


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## tjw1971 (May 23, 2007)

I don't profess to have a whole lot of knowledge on WLS, but I've had several female friends who underwent the surgery in the last few years.

What strikes me the most about it is it seems like the majority of them get obsessive about weight loss after they witness the rapid "results" - and they all set goals of looking downright "skinny" or "slim".

One of my ex-girlfriends was always a "big girl" (5'10" or so and probably at least 220lbs. or so ever since high-school), but most people thought she looked terrific. A while after we broke up, she ended up with a guy from her work and they got married. After that, she gained quite a bit more weight, and was really unhappy about it. Then I saw her photos, post WLS, and she can't be more than 135-140lbs. tops. Looks horrible too, if you ask me. It's like all the cuteness/"cuddliness" was stripped away now.

Another ex-g/f of mine underwent WLS, which she really did need to do for health reasons. But again, I was expecting her to try to get back to somewhere around the 200lb. range. Instead, she kept losing and losing weight so now she just looks "slender" - and it's an odd/unattractive look for her, to be totally honest. All I ever heard her talk about was the weight-loss and how everyone in her "support group" was trying to get thin and "healthy". It was creepy.... too obsessive.

My feeling is, Kimberleigh's initial comments on her "goals" were FAR more sensible than most WLS participants. Ignore the stupid height/weight charts... If you can lose 100lbs. or more and end up in the low to mid 200's, that sounds "totally successful" to me, while not doing anything so drastic, it completely changes your physical look.




Kimberleigh said:


> Seeing this thread pop back up yesterday kinda freaked me out - last summer, I worked really hard on eating better, exercising more, and had actually lost a few pounds.
> I didn't have a good autumn and then had a pretty horrible winter; I lost my job, had a horrific case of bronchitis that lingered, had other money issues, and the SAD kicked my arse this winter.
> I'm just now getting back to the point of feeling like I need to lose some weight, so here I go - taking another run at it.
> 
> Thanks to each of you for the support and kind words - those are always appreciated.


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## William (Sep 8, 2007)

Hi 

I have had several online friends that have had WLS that was pretty much a success, one did 
almost die on the operation table but she already had genetic heart problems.

Rationally I know that they are the same people with the same experiences that lead us to 
come online and support each other. Rationally I know that several of them were in health 
situations that I could never understand having never experienced them.
Still I can not help from seeing them as totally different people and their personalities 
did change after they lost massive amounts of weight even if they say they are the same 
people.

Some of their reflections on their "former" selves can take a kind of morbid view of things and I can't help to wonder how they now view me even though I well a lot less than they did when they began their WLS journey.

I wonder if it is issues like these that caused the rift between Fat People that have had and have not had WLS? I am glad to see people that lost weight with WLS still active at Dimensions.

William


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## stefanie (Oct 24, 2007)

Kimberleigh said:


> I've been leery of posting this, but here goes any dang way....
> 
> I want to lose some serious weight - about 130 pounds. That will make me 220 AND still overweight by the BMI charts, and still fat in society's eyes...



You have to take care of yourself as best you see fit. Part of that is informing yourself fully about all your various health issues, as well as what is and isn't often possible with weight loss. Part of understanding the risks, though, is knowing that for the vast majority of people, long-term (over 5 years) large (over 20%-30% of body weight) weight loss is not successful. However, people *can* substantially improve their health in many ways (which are as individual as each person) and smaller weight losses can help as well.

If those means do involve some weight loss for you, I would hope you wouldn't get rejected for it. I wish you the best in improving your health.


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## TeddyIsMyHero (Jan 14, 2008)

Here's the thing. It's YOUR body. YOUR health. YOU dictate how you want to live your life. Nobody is has the right to declare you a "traitor" for going after what you want. I say, more power to you! And I believe that no one here is going to do that, because they feel the same way. Also, I believe no one has the right to judge, and if they do, eff em! Rock on.


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## Ruby Ripples (Jan 16, 2008)

The person posted this question a year and a half ago..... 

just noticed that, and a head's up before anyone else posts.


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## Tina (Jan 21, 2008)

(yes, I know this is an older thread, but still important, IMO)

Kimberleigh, I understand that back and forth. It's been over 3.5 years since I decided to regain some mobility and change my life and I will tell you that it's much harder to keep it off than it is to lose it. I had lost almost 120 lbs, but that was during the first year, year and a half. Since then it's been a little back and forth, playing with about 8 - 10 lbs that would come and go. In the last few months I have gained around 25 lbs and I can feel the difference in ways that disturb me, though part of that is the fact that I haven't been exercising, which is an important part of helping myself (and I don't just mean as a vehicle to lose weight, but as something that gives me energy and also helps the fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, lymphedema and arthritis -- and my well being in general). I tend to be an emotional eater and the stress of preparing to move, the emotional issues brought up by moving away from my family in CA to the Montreal, Canada vicinity, just brought up a lot of issues that I dealt with by eating all kinds of things that don't just put on weight, but that, as I've noticed over time, activate pain and inflammation issues for me. So I understand when you talk about having lost some weight and then life happened and messed it up. I think so many of us have dealt with that sort of thing. Changing one's eating isn't easy, if one has food addictions and/or eating disorders (and I have both), because consistency in the face of adversity, and fighting one's own tendency to medicate with food is, IMO and experience, a drive stronger than the drive for sex. 

I truly do wish you well in this, Kimberleigh.

I'm going to move this to the health forum, as I don't believe this is a WLS post, but more a "healthy eating in order to be healthier" post.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jan 21, 2008)

Kimberleigh said:


> I want to be healthier than I am right now. I had some blood work done a couple of days ago...not so good. The cholesterol is low, the LDL is low, but the good cholesterol, the HDL is way low. I am on the very low end of pre-diabetic for fasting blood sugar!!!:shocked:



Like everyone else, I believe your body is your business. But I'd like to address a detail that no one else has spoken about: your blood sugar. I, too, am on the "low end of pre-diabetic", but I am not too concerned, nor is my doctor. According to my doctor, a few years ago the medical establishment _moved_ the dividing line between normal and pre-diabetic (from 110 to 100, I believe), thereby putting a few hundred thousand people into a situation where their doctors could legitimately prescribe diabetes medication for them. In fact, part (but certainly not all!) of the increase in diabetes is a result of manipulating the numbers. Diabetes should certainly be of concern to us all, as should following a healthy lifestyle; but we need to realize that the medical and pharmaceutical industries are not above using numbers to create panic and sell more drugs.


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## Tina (Jan 21, 2008)

True, Dr. And let's not forget the marvelous insurance companies who, with their new and ridiculous tables some years ago, made a whole new category of merely plump people obese.


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 21, 2008)

This is why the HgbA1C (I'm sure I am misspelling that but my pain meds are kicking in) is so important for diagnosing diabetes. Lots of people can have normal fasting levels but the HgbA1C tells what your sugar has been doing over time, so it's way more accurate a picture of what's going on. I also wish that more docs would look at insulin levels while looking at sugar. Sure, maybe your fasting glucose is 95, which is great. But how much insulin is your body pumping out to maintain that? Knowing that your body's stressing to maintain normal glucose levels seems like a good thing, you know?


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## Fairest Epic (Feb 21, 2008)

1. you are most definately not a traitor. 
2. Everyone has body issues...for one of my discussions in a class i'm taking right now women rail on themselves all the time. These girls are gorgeous and they need to accept that and accept themselves...women are down on themselves like that' It's what we do. We can blame both societies and ourselves for this, but anyway...just because you're larger now, does not mean that youre anti-fat. Plus there's health reasons behind it. Everyone has body issues, and all of our bodies are different. How we treat, defend, and accept our bodies is up to us. Do your thang chicken wang. 

3. I kinda feel you with the overweight jazz. I'm supposed to be around 180 and i need to lose like 100 lbs to get there. The only issue is that i can't without going crazy. I work out for atleast 30-60minutes everyday and keep myself under 1800 calories (just brought up from 1200 at the request of my dietician). I have perfect blood shizz. Hormones, sugar levels, thyroid, cholesterol and all that jazz are perfect according to numerous tests done by the mayo clinic. But for some reason they are convinced something is wrong with me just because i'm fat. Although i am starting to think something is wrong with me too because i seriously just gained like 40 lbs in a few months in addition to growing about an inch...i'm still growing and i havent grown for at least 5 years prior to this, so yeah....they think i might have benign tumors on my pituitary gland that are microscopic. fun!

but yeah this is about you....girl! just dig it. Dig yourself and do what you want and what you think is based based on nothing but you. It's all about you and feel no guilt or obligation to anyone. You go girl and i wish you all the luck in the world and that all goes well for you!

Love yourself as you would want someone else to love themselves!


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## Tina (Feb 22, 2008)

Fairest Epic said:


> Love yourself as you would want someone else to love themselves!


I like that very much.


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## Risible (Feb 22, 2008)

missaf said:


> Because of my health, I needed to change my eating habits in order to save my liver and my kidneys, and to stop the degradation of my total health. Since September, I've lots more weight than I ever imagined possible.
> 
> I felt like a traitor, for about 2 minutes. I'm more physically able to participate in my life, and a side effect is that I'm able to help my fat friends because I'm sharing the gift of mobility I have. The careful chiding and teasing by said fat friends is fun, and it helps me reemember my roots



You mean like at *YOUR OWN PARTY* that you helped out at?  Yes, indeed, you've been very helpful; I'm very appreciative of that! Beanpole.


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## Elfcat (Feb 22, 2008)

Hey, you know, fat and fit is what I like. If the calibration has to be adjusted a little, it's all good. Besides, I think more than one comrade around here likes the sight of a fat gal exercising!


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## MoonGoddess (Feb 24, 2008)

I never felt that anyone should be called a traitor to size acceptance, simply because they do what has to be done to become and remain healthy.

There are a lot of us who work out and are physically active, because we want to live long and healthy lives. I know that fit AND fat can go hand in hand.


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## Jon Blaze (Feb 25, 2008)

Elfcat said:


> Hey, you know, fat and fit is what I like. If the calibration has to be adjusted a little, it's all good. Besides, I think more than one comrade around here likes the sight of a fat gal exercising!



I hear you there. It's sexy. 
(And a good activism point.. ahem.. )


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