# BHM/FFAs into BDSM?



## rabbitislove (May 25, 2016)

Ive seen some mention of BDSM on this board and wondered out of curiosity how many of you weirdoes are also into BDSM, if you've had experience with BDSM in an BHM/FFA relationship, what appeals to you ect? 

Ill start. I definitely consider myself submissive and it was cemented when I was 25 and met my first dom. We had a lot of fun, but I was often frustrated as he wouldnt believe I really had a thing for fat guys and always told me I was bullshitting him. With that and other extenuating circumstances it did not last, however, left me with a lot more knowledge of what I like and more ways to have fun


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## djudex (May 26, 2016)

I'm into it from the dominator side (you may have guessed). To be perfectly honest I haven't yet had much practical 'field' experience as of yet but I've been putting in the study hours to be sure.

I've always been more of a role traditionalist when it comes to relationships but decidedly more modern in my interpretation. I know a lot of the cliches from the early 20th century husband-wife dynamic are considered misogynistic and sexist these days but I am drawn to the idea of it none the less.

That being said I certainly don't think that a woman should be seen and not heard or any of the rest of that garbage, I'm looking for an equal partner; equal but different. I'm looking for a loving relationship built on trust and mutual enjoyment, I'm not in it for making some poor woman feel like shit so she lets me slap nipple clamps on her.

I also can't deny that I love the look of the equipment and clothing, there's something about subtle leather and steel that makes me hum. I'm not a big fan of overt, flamboyant looks, you'll not likely see me in assless chaps with a gimp mask on but leather accents, slim lines of steel? Yup.

When did I realize it? It's hard to say for sure, it's something that just kind of burbled to surface gradually the more I learned about it and that it excited me. Using handcuffs on a girlfriend for the first time, light spanking, a little breath play...it all lead to the realization that yup, I like this stuff.


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## lille (May 26, 2016)

My boyfriend and are in a D/s relationship, though it hasn't been a huge component lately due to general life business and such. However I do still call him Daddy, it's my preferred term of endearment for him. I'm a super high strung person and typically have a very hard time letting go. But I also get easily overwhelmed by decision making. Letting him take control is so so comforting. I feel protected and cared for. I also tend towards insecure and anxious and so having clear instructions to follow helps me feel more secure and like I am able to please him. Plus being choked is super hot. The kink stuff, spanking, flogging, breath play, violet wand, etc is extremely cathartic for me.


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## dwesterny (May 26, 2016)

I'm a straight forward stygiophiliac formicophile with a penchant for using ovipositors. Not into weird shit.


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## Xyantha Reborn (May 26, 2016)

I have no tolerance to pain, and I find a lot of the "talk" component hysterically funny...so I am a no on this front too.

I like to be a little rougher than I am allowed to be...but I think that is more pent up horniness than BDSM type stuff.

Other than my predilection for a lovely belly I am pretty much vanilla in my preferences...


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## dwesterny (May 26, 2016)

One woman I talk to a lot is very into being dominated particularly having weight used to overpower her. It was fun to talk about but less so now that I learned she once had non-consensual things happen to her and passes it off as the guy thinking the no was part of her kink. That left me with a bad taste in my mouth about it. I like her quite a bit but she's in the UK. Oh well.


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## loopytheone (May 26, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> One woman I talk to a lot is very into being dominated particularly having weight used to overpower her. It was fun to talk about but less so now that I learned she once had non-consensual things happen to her and passes it off as the guy thinking the no was part of her kink. That left me with a bad taste in my mouth about it. I like her quite a bit but she's in the UK. Oh well.



And this is why safe words were invented. And also why people into BDSM type things generally discuss everything in detail before doing anything. Not very spontaneous or sexy but it prevents things like this from happening. 

Also, I am so vanilla. I've had so many people, friends and partners, try and find my 'inner kink' in regards to BDSM but I'm just not into it at all. I don't like pain/inflicting pain, I really don't like being dominated and I don't really have the decision making skills to be in charge or anything. I think about the only things vaguely related are that I generally demand to be ontop and sort of pinning the other person down. I've been told I look like a lioness with its prey, which is, uh, interesting. My ex also used to refer to me as 'goddess' and I would always call him my kitten. I liked being called that.


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## lille (May 26, 2016)

loopytheone said:


> And this is why safe words were invented. And also why people into BDSM type things generally discuss everything in detail before doing anything. Not very spontaneous or sexy but it prevents things like this from happening.



Exactly. Conscent is key. Conscentual non-consent is a thing, but it's something that requires a lot of discussion and trust before hand.


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## dwesterny (May 26, 2016)

Yes, when the fantasy centers on being forced and you add in a "dom" who is into it because he's really an abuser and/or a "sub" who is recreating being victimized you have potential for bad things.


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## Tad (May 26, 2016)

Just personally, for me, what is sexy is enthusiastic consent and mutual attention and encouragement, which really doesn’t combine well with d/s for the most part. 

I’m theoretically fine with some of the techniques I’ve heard of, but for me it would have to be done in a way that took out most of the power transfer factor, I think, or it would probably leave me flat. (i.e. one partner blind-folded and using a mix of things like feathers, ice cubes, candle wax, licks, etc. to surprise and stimulate them as a technique to heighten physical sensitivity sounds great -- but only if with enough verbal communication that it continued being &#8216;doing it together’ rather than &#8216;one doing to the other.’

Then again, I was the kid in kindergarten who, when others wanted to play &#8216;train’ (one person is the &#8216;engine’ and leads, the rest are cars and have to follow), would announce that I was a booster engine, helping the train move along but able to split off, with or without any &#8216;cars’, when I felt the desire to do so. So I think you could say that I’ve never really liked power games, so that they don't interest me when it comes to sex is probably no surprise.


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## Crumbling (May 26, 2016)

loopytheone said:


> I've had so many people, friends and partners, try and find my 'inner kink'



I believe everyone has their little twists, but they don't necessarily express themselves sexually. Sometimes the inner and the outer kink are one and the same. 




Tad said:


> Just personally, for me, what is sexy is enthusiastic consent and mutual attention and encouragement, which really doesnt combine well with d/s for the most part.



Enthusiastic consent, mutual attention and encouragement should be at the heart of any relationship... and doubly so if it involves d/s.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking of power dynamics as the be all and end all. It's fun to try new things or do something different. Or even go turn about. Even if like Xyantha you end up in a situation where you can't even look at each other without bursting out laughing....

as for me... 

*puts on his wizards hat and cloak*


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## lille (May 26, 2016)

Crumbling said:


> Enthusiastic consent, mutual attention and encouragement should be at the heart of any relationship... and doubly so if it involves d/s.




Yes yes yes! It may look a little different but it is definitely there.


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## lille (May 27, 2016)

Tad said:


> Just personally, for me, what is sexy is enthusiastic consent and mutual attention and encouragement, which really doesnt combine well with d/s for the most part.



Ok, not that I have some time, I wanted go into a little more detail about this. 

Enthusiastic Consent: Absolutely a must in D/s relationships. Also, not sure how much more enthusiastic you can get than on your knees begging for something. That doesn't mean that the s type must love everything they are asked to do, but even still they are consenting to the power dynamic. Which bring me to point number two. 

Mutual attention and encouragement: From the outside it may look like the D type gets whatever they want and the s type has to obey. However, what you may not see is that serving and pleasing and obeying is fulfilling for the s type. Giving oral isn't my favorite thing and I don't get much out of the act itself, however seeing my partner enjoy it and being told that I am a good girl is something I very much enjoy. A good D type doesn't just think about their wants, they think about the s type's needs. That's why some s types will have rules about what time they must go to bed, or must ask permission before having sweets or alcohol, it's a way to exert control but also take care of them. My Daddy takes that role very seriously and it makes me feel loved and cared for and by being submissive to him am I able to show my love. I tend towards very insecure and it gives me a clear tangible way to show just how much I love him and gives me doe thing that I know will make him happy, which makes me happy. 

Porn BDSM is just as far from most people's real life BDSM as porn sex is from most people's real life sex.


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## rabbitislove (May 28, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> Yes, when the fantasy centers on being forced and you add in a "dom" who is into it because he's really an abuser and/or a "sub" who is recreating being victimized you have potential for bad things.



Dude no doubt. I have little if any tolerance for faux dom bullshittery. I do however LOVE this thread and the discussion of safe words/enthusiastic consent. I <3 all you fuckers :wubu:

And Lillie Im in the same boat. I can be a bit of a control freak. I also have a bit of say in my job and direct my team/outside providers as needed. Having a little leadership is good for me, but I also like to let it go. I also love the commitment aspect of the D/s relationship. Definitely partial to "mr" or "sir" myself. Id say Im mostly into spanking, restraints, and rope play for my part of BDSM. While i never was violated sexually by my old dom, his personal boundaries weren't great (frequent text messages, driving to my house uninvited after a fight ect). Wasn't meant to be. I choose to view it as a learning experience from Kink University.


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## kittymahlberg (May 28, 2016)

Another outwardly reserved, in-control, Type A submissive here! As an attorney and the "responsible one" in every circle, I'm forever helping out other people with their crap. I love the lack of control, coupled with safety, that loving d/s play allows.

My dominant husband and I dated for about two years before we simultaneously came out to each other. Now-hubby's reaction can only be summed up as: "JACKPOT!" Full disclosure, since the topic is the BHM/FFA context--I'm very much "size-fluid" in my preferences, probably because the FFA aspect of my brain is a subset of BDSM--dominant guys of any size turn me on, though I like big guys using their size to be dominant, and also submissives being "forced" or "manipulated" into gaining (all in fun, of course--even erotic stories that get too realistic about this make me uncomfortable). My husband is just average sized and doesn't want to gain, which is fine with me. We're absolute soulmates, and I'd never pressure him to satisfy a kink, or vice versa. He still satisfies my FFA side by indulging me in BDSM-style feeding play (my preference is more gentle and wheedling than "gonna shove three whole pies down you with this funnel" stuff). 

We have a fantastic time doing d/s stuff both in and out of the bedroom, though always in the privacy of our home. As others have discussed, the constraining part of d/s play feels like the psychological equivalent of a tight hug. You're caught in it, so you can just let go and relax. Never been in an abusive relationship or had any issues with play going too far. Husband and I know each other so well, and talk so much about these things outside of play, that we have a good idea of what we're into. 

Though he did giggle when I explained my feedee side, which is definitely wrapped up in the BDSM kink! He also immediately intuited the likely influences, such as my well-meaning mom's lifelong obsession with healthy eating and portion control.... We keep a box of chocolates by the bed these days. :wubu: I'm not trying to go all the way, but I have been gaining to get myself from undernourished to normal weight. I don't have an eating disorder; just naturally underweight and lived with my parents for a long time. So we've had a lot of fun, with hubby announcing how happy he is when I put on a pound or two.


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## ODFFA (May 31, 2016)

lille said:


> Yes yes yes! It may look a little different but it is definitely there.





lille said:


> Ok, not that I have some time, I wanted go into a little more detail about this.
> 
> Enthusiastic Consent: Absolutely a must in D/s relationships. Also, not sure how much more enthusiastic you can get than on your knees begging for something. That doesn't mean that the s type must love everything they are asked to do, but even still they are consenting to the power dynamic. Which bring me to point number two.
> 
> ...



I like getting these insights. I'll probably never tire of hearing every D/s's individual take on what it means to them. And I don't doubt the possibility of having a stable relationship at the core when BDSM is involved.

Though, I related very strongly with Tad's post, in that it's just not my thing either. Even the word "obey" coming from either side would make me feel pretty unexcited. Which is interesting, considering I often naturally tend toward the s side of things. The thing about Tad's post that struck me most was the part about enthusiastic consent. Specifically, for me, a kind of consent that looks like both parties being brought to a kind of equal, rapturous surrender. That's the best way I can think to explain it.

That said, I do like the same aesthetic as djudex. And I have a few other (often more fantastical) kinks. I think. I dunno... I'm not sure what constitutes a kink anymore.


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## Tad (May 31, 2016)

On second thought, was going way off topic for this thread.


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## lucca23v2 (Jun 1, 2016)

Tad said:


> Then again, I was the kid in kindergarten who, when others wanted to play train (one person is the engine and leads, the rest are cars and have to follow), would announce that I was a booster engine, helping the train move along but able to split off, with or without any cars, when I felt the desire to do so.


 
 This is kind of a sub way of showing dominance. I will play along, but leave when I chose.. .. just a thought.

Personally, in a D/s relationship, the sub is the one with the power believe it or not. On the surface it may not seem that way, because they seem to give into the Dom. However, in a D/s relationship things are discussed before they happen, which means that the sub is the one dictates how far things will go.. and when the sub is comfortable going further is when things go further. The Dom will have his/her pleasure fulfilled, but on the subs timeframe.

I can't be in a D/s relationship because for me, the D/s is only appealing when it comes to sex. Outside of sex, I am not much of a sub. I can listen and try to compromise, but I tend to be very stubborn and bullheaded so it takes me a while to compromise. 

JMO


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## landshark (Jun 1, 2016)

lucca23v2 said:


> I can't be in a D/s relationship because for me, the D/s is only appealing when it comes to sex. Outside of sex, I am not much of a sub. I can listen and try to compromise, but I tend to be very stubborn and bullheaded so it takes me a while to compromise.



I am neither a BHM nor is my BBW wife a FFA, and neither of us are into BDSM, but this part of Lucca's post is really interesting to me so I hope you guys and gals won't hold it against me for replying when I don't exactly fit the target demographic for this thread.

In our marriage I am definitely the sub. While our marriage has some strong elements of mutual respect, there is an underlying but real power element at play. It has really emerged recently and coincided with my wife's weight loss. Her confidence in herself really blossomed and her willingness to assert herself over me became more evident. Then she gained a whole lot of weight back and that subsided temporarily. Then it returned with a vengeance, assisted by some coaching from my wife's friend. She (the friend) picked up on the emerging D/S roles and as they faded sort of took it upon herself to "coach" my wife into a more dominant role. And it has been very effective. 

And this doesn't just apply to the bedroom. My wife has always had all the power there anyway. This is sort of where Lucca's comments come in: I am living what she said wouldn't appeal to her. Our D/S roles play out more in every day life. She uses phrases like "obey me" more often and tells me what I am and am not allowed to do. She "inspects" my body and tells me what areas she wants me to improve in the weight room, or when to manscape, etc.

Her friend who coached her up once commented to me that I am a classic example of being pussy whipped. She even witnessed my wife settle a disagreement by (after listening to my reasoning) responded with "Well I have a vagina." And my wife "owns" me in front of this friend and a few others all the time. And it's not meant to humiliate or anything. She's not mean about it, doesn't push me around or belittle me. She is just very matter of fact about it. She knows she is more powerful and that I'll ultimately comply with her.

This has been beneficial to our marriage as well. Because I welcome this from her I find myself more and more willing to agree with her on things I'd otherwise disagree with. It has helped me really prioritize things and keep them in perspective. Plus it tells her when I do stand firm on an issue it's significant and not just me being stubborn. Then we discuss and come to an agreement together. 

Overall it has been a very positive experience for me and her. I've even thanked her friend (who says my wife is still to easy on me and if I were hers my entire existence would be defined by servitude to her). I suppose I'm thankful with my wife we have a healthy and happy balance. I know a lot of guys would cringe at the thought of being so openly submissive to my wife in everyday life. It's not a game or a role we play in the bedroom: she legitimately dominates me in a loving and powerful way. And I'm not the least bit ashamed of it either. In fact I'm rather proud of it.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Jun 1, 2016)

I thought about this some more and realized; i hate dom/sub stuff in the bedroom. Even the thought of it turns me off(er) as i commute home. 

That being said, i do enjoy being teased and cutsified outside the bedroom. Just feeling cute, as opposed to capable. If someone smacked me, even in play, they would probably get a fist to the nose. But to be teased and to be called bad girl because i didn't do something makes me giggle and wriggle feeling adorable.

Still don't think that counts much, but there it is...


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## Crumbling (Jun 2, 2016)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> makes me giggle and wriggle



That right there is the start of the slippery slope


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## rabbitislove (Jun 4, 2016)

Crumbling said:


> That right there is the start of the slippery slope



The slippery slope down the path of joy. Ive found I not only like being teased but teased about my FFA tendencies. Its a weird kind of nervous joy. :happy:


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## landshark (Jun 4, 2016)

rabbitislove said:


> The slippery slope down the path of joy. Ive found I not only like being teased but teased about my FFA tendencies. Its a weird kind of nervous joy. :happy:



It's funny you say this. I actually like the same thing: being teased for being a chubby chaser. It used to bother me but now I welcome it.:blush:


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## loopytheone (Jun 5, 2016)

I kinda like being teased for being an FFA. And for being chubby myself. But oh my god if you are not somebody I adore and feel 100% comfortable around, I'm gonna bristle up like a pufferfish and refuse to talk to you for ages.


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## rabbitislove (Jun 5, 2016)

loopytheone said:


> I kinda like being teased for being an FFA. And for being chubby myself. But oh my god if you are not somebody I adore and feel 100% comfortable around, I'm gonna bristle up like a pufferfish and refuse to talk to you for ages.



Absolutely. Trust has to be there. And it has to be gentle, loving teasing. Im no fan of the "You like fat guys thats so wrong" teasing but love the "Oh you love my fat body, dontcha?" teasing" :wubu:


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 5, 2016)

I had some sub tendencies some years back...but not so much as I grow older. Strange or not...I seem to have evolved. 

I did have a brief convo on messenger several years back with a guy from a fet site. In the midst of that convo, I grew pissed off and called him a pussy. He was and quickly "ran" from messenger.
LMAO...that's when I realized it wasn't quite what I was looking for...and never have "played" with the notion again.
It's more fantasy than any reality for me.


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## Mallet (Jun 6, 2016)

Have had dom tendencies since before embracing my weight,but now that I have,it fits perfectly with my dom side,using it to overpower,getting my gut worshipped...and when the chick is still in the "ffa closet" her with a fat dude adds to her degradation. Dang I miss having a sub!


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## Melian (Jun 8, 2016)

Mallet said:


> Have had dom tendencies since before embracing my weight,but now that I have,it fits perfectly with my dom side,using it to overpower,getting my gut worshipped...and when the chick is still in the "ffa closet" her with a fat dude adds to her degradation. Dang I miss having a sub!



So hot. I am trying to coerce my guy to do stuff like that, but it's not hot if I just ask him - he has to do it on his own, because he thinks it's sexy, too. And so, I wait.


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## Tad (Jun 8, 2016)

I feel for him. I knew my wife was in your shoes (in a general sense, not saying she liked the same specifics), so tried stuff ... but apparently this may be one of those things where you get it or you don’t. My attempts just didn’t work trigger her feelings in this area. 

I hope he tries, and I hope he has more instinct for such things than I did. If we don't hear from you for a while, I'll optimistically assume that he just got the hang of it, and you are too distracted to post ;-)


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## Melian (Jun 8, 2016)

Tad said:


> I feel for him. I knew my wife was in your shoes (in a general sense, not saying she liked the same specifics), so tried stuff ... but apparently this may be one of those things where you get it or you don’t.  My attempts just didn’t work trigger her feelings in this area.
> 
> I hope he tries, and I hope he has more instinct for such things than I did. If we don't hear from you for a while, I'll optimistically assume that he just got the hang of it, and you are too distracted to post ;-)



He knows what I like, in general, but it's the specific combination and focus that is missing. As in, he could accidentally do amazing things if he was in the right mood. I am optimistic for the future


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## Mallet (Jun 8, 2016)

Melian said:


> So hot. I am trying to coerce my guy to do stuff like that, but it's not hot if I just ask him - he has to do it on his own, because he thinks it's sexy, too. And so, I wait.



Well theres ways to help it along,be submissive to bring out his dominant side,respond with names like "master" and "sir". My good friend's dude was a bit on the submissive side and it was a complete turnoff for her,so I kinda coached her on things that get a dom going. After a month of being super submissive herself,her man is now a total dom,gives orders,confident,no signs of submissiveness. But this is all bedroom related,if you're looking for a lifestyle dom/sub relationship,don't take my advice,idk how those work lol.


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## landshark (Jun 10, 2016)

Mallet said:


> Well theres ways to help it along,be submissive to bring out his dominant side,respond with names like "master" and "sir". My good friend's dude was a bit on the submissive side and it was a complete turnoff for her,so I kinda coached her on things that get a dom going. After a month of being super submissive herself,her man is now a total dom,gives orders,confident,no signs of submissiveness. But this is all bedroom related,*if you're looking for a lifestyle dom/sub relationship,don't take my advice,idk how those work lol.*



I do. I'm living one! Anyone with questions about it, ask away. I've learned a few things and like Mallet coached his friend, I have a friend who coached both me and my wife: Me on being more submissive and my wife on being more assertive and dominant.


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## Melian (Jun 14, 2016)

Mallet said:


> Well theres ways to help it along,be submissive to bring out his dominant side,respond with names like "master" and "sir". My good friend's dude was a bit on the submissive side and it was a complete turnoff for her,so I kinda coached her on things that get a dom going. After a month of being super submissive herself,her man is now a total dom,gives orders,confident,no signs of submissiveness. But this is all bedroom related,if you're looking for a lifestyle dom/sub relationship,don't take my advice,idk how those work lol.



Yeah, our situation is a bit complicated, as we are both switches (sexually and lifestyle). And then, the stuff I want him to start doing is somewhere in between, ie. sexy, but not quite sex or necessarily leading to it. Hard to explain, but I am working on it


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## LeoGibson (Jun 15, 2016)

I sometimes enjoy the fantasy of both being a dom or a sub, but in practicality I'm pretty much plain vanilla. I've always preferred having a partner that just willingly got into things because I was able to turn them on that much. Having the idea, even if it is totally untrue and not how the dynamic works, that she's only doing those awesomely dirty things because I'm forcing her to by being dominant doesn't do it for me. I will say that for the most part I'm in control and directing the action if you will in the traditional male-female manner but I don't really consider that to be dom/sub behavior. As far as being a sub it is an interesting idea for sure, but I don't think I could suspend my disbelief enough to think that the woman could truly dominate me. I mean WTF I could just pick her up and sling her over my shoulders and spank her ass if I didn't like what she was saying!

TL;DR Interesting in theory and hot to watch in porn, but not something I could see myself doing.


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## lucca23v2 (Jun 15, 2016)

LeoGibson said:


> I could just pick her up and sling her over my shoulders and spank her ass if I didn't like what she was saying!


 
Very caveman like. That could be very hot too... lol


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## loopytheone (Jun 15, 2016)

LeoGibson said:


> I sometimes enjoy the fantasy of both being a dom or a sub, but in practicality I'm pretty much plain vanilla. I've always preferred having a partner that just willingly got into things because I was able to turn them on that much. Having the idea, even if it is totally untrue and not how the dynamic works, that she's only doing those awesomely dirty things because I'm forcing her to by being dominant doesn't do it for me. I will say that for the most part I'm in control and directing the action if you will in the traditional male-female manner but I don't really consider that to be dom/sub behavior. As far as being a sub it is an interesting idea for sure, but* I don't think I could suspend my disbelief enough to think that the woman could truly dominate me. I mean WTF I could just pick her up and sling her over my shoulders and spank her ass if I didn't like what she was saying!*
> 
> TL;DR Interesting in theory and hot to watch in porn, but not something I could see myself doing.



I think with female doms it is more psychological than physical. Like... sure, you could pick her up like that but what if you knew that if you didn't do what she said then you wouldn't be getting any action of that kind for a while? Might make you think twice. =p


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## LeoGibson (Jun 15, 2016)

lucca23v2 said:


> Very caveman like. That could be very hot too... lol



If caveman is hot, then I'm in. I got that down on lock.



loopytheone said:


> I think with female doms it is more psychological than physical. Like... sure, you could pick her up like that but what if you knew that if you didn't do what she said then you wouldn't be getting any action of that kind for a while? Might make you think twice. =p



I agree totally. That's why it dosen't really suit me as I don't think I could just go with it.


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