# By the numbers



## PhiloGirl (Jun 28, 2011)

I'm curious... how do you ladies feel about giving out your "personal" stats, like weight, measurements, etc.? I'm squeamish about it, and keep returning to the same two thoughts:

1) It's been drilled into me "never ask a woman's weight", blah blah... and that numbers that are "too high" are something to be ashamed of. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just acknowledging the effect that culture has had on my comfort zones.

2) On the flip side, I know that these numbers are simply physical descriptors. They don't determine my worth or personality - and this actually gives me another reason to balk at being asked for this information. If someone I don't know is complimenting me on a (totally non-sexual) picture of mine, saying how attractive they find me, and asking for my numbers, it makes me feel that they are placing a priority on my appearance rather than getting to know me. 

How do you react - both your gut reaction and how you ultimately respond? Being new to Dims and to the FA culture in general... I guess I'm wondering if there's a cultural difference between an FA here seeing a picture and their first message to the person being "Wow, how much do you weigh?" and a slender, large-chested woman having a man walk up to her in a bar and saying "Wow, what's your cup size?"


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## mossystate (Jun 28, 2011)

For me, it's the same kind of tacky. There are many people who will try and make a woman feel wrong for not answering the questions. They will say things like, " oh, you hate you body? "..." I love fat women, so please don't be so shy and insecure ". 
For that type, there is always a ' reason ' when you don't give them what they want to see or know. You must be uptight...you must be down on yourself. 

Unless I am stating, " guess my weight or the size of my whatevers "...keep those questions to yourself. It's not about the numbers being bad. 

So, yeah...there is no difference.


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## crayola box (Jun 28, 2011)

PhiloGirl said:


> I'm curious... how do you ladies feel about giving out your "personal" stats, like weight, measurements, etc.? I'm squeamish about it, and keep returning to the same two thoughts:
> *snipped
> 
> *I guess I'm wondering if there's a cultural difference between an FA here seeing a picture and their first message to the person being "Wow, how much do you weigh?" and a slender, large-chested woman having a man walk up to her in a bar and saying "Wow, what's your cup size?*"



To me, there is no difference, between the two bolded scenarios, both are objectifying, rude, and have an inappropriate sexual connotation. I'm not saying it's never ok to ask a persons weight, or give your stats...but unless you are my seamstress, doctor, or safety/security personnel there is no reason my stats are your business *if we've just met*, its uncomfortable at best, and creepy at worst. Random [FA] stranger asking me my weight doesn't feel like a compliment, it feels like a request for something to jack off to later.


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## Fat Brian (Jun 28, 2011)

You don't owe anybody here anything, least of all the pm creepers. Don't put anything up here that you don't want everyone to know or aren't comfortable with. For some posting their weight for everyone to see feels like a burden being lifted from them, but maybe thats not you. Each persons journey here is theirs alone and very individual and yours may never lead you to post stats, their is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you won't be alone. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.

We have an unfortunately large group of pm creepers here, just ignore them. You're initial response was correct, they are the same kind of guys who ask for bra sizes and things and are just looking for a quick turn on.


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## bbwgatorgirl (Jun 28, 2011)

I don't, just because it's nobody's business. If I was in a relationship like I was with my ex, my clothing size at least would be known (for gift purposes :smitten. Other than that, don't ask unless I bring it up (which won't ever happen).


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## Tracyarts (Jun 28, 2011)

Whenever a guy asks what I weigh, I assume it's a creeper out trolling for fatty fantasy wank fodder. I have found that the best way to get rid of that particular breed of pest is to respond with a number that's about 100 pounds less than my real weight and follow up with "AND LOSING!" That is pretty much the biggest boner-killing response I can give them, and they always leave me alone after that.

Tracy


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## Tania (Jun 28, 2011)

crayola box said:


> To me, there is no difference, between the two bolded scenarios, both are objectifying, rude, and have an inappropriate sexual connotation. I'm not saying it's never ok to ask a persons weight, or give your stats...but unless you are my seamstress, doctor, or safety/security personnel there is no reason my stats are your business *if we've just met*, its uncomfortable at best, and creepy at worst. Random [FA] stranger asking me my weight doesn't feel like a compliment, it feels like a request for something to jack off to later.



Absolutely this.

I'm fine with volunteering certain stats in select, nonsexual situations, because I think it's important that people know what XYZ pounds really looks like.


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## Jes (Jun 28, 2011)

I used to think the question was benign and a way for someone to visualize me and to explore the fat side of myself and blah blah blah.

And then I grew up, wised up, and ignored anyone asking that fucked up bullshit. 

And I have never, not once, looked back or regretted that decision.


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## penguin (Jun 28, 2011)

I'm getting more comfortable mentioning it in discussions on Dims where it's relevant, though I am still hit with that feeling of shame for having it be what it is. I've mentioned it in PMs and other conversations with other guys, and have been told by some that I'm "almost" big enough, because their focus is on the numbers, not me. I prefer to have the numbers not matter to my overall health or outlook.


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## AnnMarie (Jun 28, 2011)

Doesn't really bother me at all given the proper context, and certainly something I've asked of men I've spoken with. Even more so if I haven't seen a picture of them. 


I don't think being unbothered by it means you're immature or unwise, just different meaning and reaction for anyone. Just like a lot of questions asked online, at work, among colleagues at an after work thing, etc. Always going to be a chance of crossing someone's boundaries.

To be perfectly clear, no one owes this information to anyone, I don't think that. But not everyone who would ask is an asshole creeper, sometimes it's just a question and they didn't realize it was going to hit on some pressure point. I've dine that by asking a guy's height. He was short and sensitive and didn't want to answer. Ok, his right, and we moved on, but asking didn't seem out of line and I'd certainly do it again.


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## PhiloGirl (Jun 28, 2011)

I didn't feel pressured... I just had a dual reaction to the question. First the "WTF, hell no", then more of the "Well... is it a big deal?"

And then there's always Tania's point:



Tania said:


> I'm fine with volunteering certain stats in select, nonsexual situations, because I think it's important that people know what XYZ pounds really looks like.



The person who asked could very well be a "new" FA and just be curious... I remember once in junior high, telling my (girl) friends what I weighed and they were shocked. Anyone could see I was big, but my best friend said something like "Where is it all?!" (still makes me lol) because she thought someone who weighed what I did would be much bigger in stature. [Edit: and probably some negative stereotypical mumbo-jumbo... not that she was a hateful person - just had some innocent ignorance regarding weight]

So anywho, in case anyone is curious - in this situation, I thanked the person for the genuine compliment they paid me, and also for asking the question politely (they actually said "may I ask"), but said "I'm here to get to know people and for people to get to know me, so I won't be giving out that (superficial) information right now."


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## Kamily (Jun 28, 2011)

It honestly doesnt bother me. Im a pretty open person, so I dont care who knows how much that I weigh and etc..


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## Steph78 (Jun 28, 2011)

I don't mind discussing my weight, but when it's one of the first questions out of a guy's mouth I feel he's more interested in my fat than actually getting to know me (based on previous experience). So, its bye bye to them.


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## anneblithe (Jun 28, 2011)

I spent so long hiding from the reality of my shape that I refuse to do it anymore. I figure my weight is pretty apparent, and therefore, hardly a state secret. If someone asks, I tell them. I refuse to be embarrassed. If the guy wants it for reasons related purely to self gratification, it's none of my business. If you know even just a couple of men, you know someone who has thought about you in that way. It's unavoidable. I'm 5'3, about 300 when I last weighed myself. There. Mystery unraveled, source of tension gone.


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## mossystate (Jun 28, 2011)

Just as someone pointed out that not everyone is an asshole creeper who does this ( not saying I agree or disagree, just using it as a springboard ), I am going to point out that not every woman who doesn't..will not... answer these questions are embarrassed...closed...not confident...hiding.


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## ConnieLynn (Jun 28, 2011)

How old are you? How much do you weigh? Is that your real hair color? OK, I just threw that one in

Most of the women here fill out their profiles and include as much information as they are comfortable sharing. Intelligent men will take two seconds to check the profile. You can see my age in my profile, and you can see that I'm fat in my profile. If you take an extra minute to read some of my posts, you'll probably run across my weight in some discussion. 

I don't hide my weight, but as far as I'm concerned there is never a reason for some online stranger to ask it. Feel free to ask me the color of my eyes.

Off topic rant: Men who don't fill out profiles.


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## anneblithe (Jun 28, 2011)

Connie, is it funny that your lines in pink are my favorite?


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## ConnieLynn (Jun 28, 2011)

anneblithe said:


> Connie, is it funny that your lines in pink are my favorite?



Welcome to Dimensions, nice to meet you

I'm trying pink as a test, thinking either:

1) pink is like a whisper, so maybe guys will listen closely
or 
2) pink is associated with 'happy' things so maybe they'll focus on it


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## CastingPearls (Jun 29, 2011)

The ones who ask immediately, I block. I'm not talking to someone so they can get a better mental image of my size to fap to and I'm not holding their hand when they claim I misunderstood them (my favorite: I'm a very visual guy) or because they're socially awkward. We're not going to mesh if you don't comprehend simple manners like not asking a stranger questions that are likely very personal. 

The ones who ask after a few minutes or still during the initial conversation, I often get a vibe (and I'm sticking with my instincts, thanks) that they've been chomping at the bit and have been waiting for the lull in conversation or their own perception of intimacy, I do wonder if they have slightly refined their modus operandi because they used to be the guy in my first paragraph but actually had some kind of adaptation skills to delay the questions? They get discarded too. 

If they skip asking me about myself (including my name) to get stats, sometimes when I feel like toying with them I ask them to provide:

*Signed and notarized affidavits of satisfied former sexual partners
*Proof of mental competency
*A copy of their latest bank statement


Do I honestly require these things? Of course not but to ME they're no less ridiculous or invasive then asking me for my stats.
When they get offended I ask them how it feels. 

If you're comfortable divulging, then by all means, knock yourself out but I'm not that woman. You can have them. I'll take a pass.


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## Pitch (Jun 29, 2011)

Most people who want your 'stats' out and out arent worth talking to. I mean, I dont mean mentioning my height or weight in some cases, but if they want body shape, dress size, bra size and all these other weird detail I just dont mess with them.


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## anneblithe (Jun 29, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> If you're comfortable divulging, then by all means, knock yourself out but I'm not that woman. You can have them. I'll take a pass.



This line honestly made me laugh (your posts often do; you have a lovely sense of humor)-- for the record, I never said I wanted to date a person who would ask that right off the bat. It wouldn't stop me from telling them, however.


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## spiritangel (Jun 29, 2011)

I dont know my weight 

so they will always get the truthful answer no idea


I do however know my hip and other measurements but I dont see the need to give that to people I barely know

those kinds of fa's kinda creep me out and lets face it more often than not are the kind who just want to make love to your rolls and forget that your a real person (thats my experience and not knocking all fa's)

I have actaully had the conversation with quite a few fa's that while my size may turn you on constantly talking about it does nothing for me and in fact bores the hell out of me actually I should say arguments with some of them shrugs I tried they will learn in time


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## Lamia (Jun 29, 2011)

It doesn't bother me to give my stats, but I am particular about how it's asked and when. If it's the conversation starter then it's also the end of the conversation. Of course I haven't had to deal with this for almost 12 years now, but that's how I handled it back on a case by case basis.

I do put them in my profile and will still have guys ask me.....makes no sense.


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## lollipops708 (Jun 29, 2011)

Uhm,

for the most part i dont mind giving out my stats.. although i do get a little squicky around m breats and cup size.


for the longest time i was incredibly ashamed of my stats but as i grow to love my body im starting to love my stats almost as if every time i proudly say them out loud its almost a big fuck you to all those people who made me think i should be ashamed of them.


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## Sweet Tooth (Jul 1, 2011)

To me, it's all about context. If we're talking on the Clothing Boards how clothes would fit, for example, then we should be sharing some size info. If it would be inappropriate or unnecessary for me to ask that person their stats [height, weight, actual-penis-dimensions-not-the-ones-they-pretend-to-have], then I'm happy with ignoring the request or asking why they feel the need to know?

I figure I'm not shy about having full body pics of me up. The numbers don't really tell the story that pics do. If someone cares, they can take a look.

[And, btw, for any men reading this who like to give fake numbers... we women may get to learn just how bad at math you really are. Don't exaggerate. If you tell me you're 2" taller than I am and then you barely reach my chin, I'm gonna figure it out and wonder if you're a chronic liar or just reeeeeeally insecure. Either way, not a positive result.]


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## superodalisque (Jul 1, 2011)

i think its the context as well. i think telling my weight and age etc... is liberating and freeing so as not to be weighed down by all of the social conventions and constraints that make women think they are not good enough as they are somehow. telling is for me an act of fearlessness. the only time i balk is when someone, anyone, is trying to use it as a tool to either judge me, control me or diminish who i am as a person.


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## GlassDaemon (Jul 2, 2011)

If I'm talking to someone and just trying to make friends I don't care they can know my numbers, I really don't care if they're put off. Now, if I'm trying to impress someone... well my excuse is that most people can't visualize what my 45" 37" 52" frame looks like and will just see big numbers and go ewww... not the fact that I have a glorious ass and a disturbingly well proportioned body, though I'm pear shaped not hourglass, no one can deny how amazing my bum is. I'm 240lbs, most people can't FATHOM what that must look like, just that's its a lot bigger than their ideal 120lbs girl. 

Generally, if the person isn't in front of me, I'll tell them I'm plushie, they don't need to know the numbers. Now if they're in front of me and they can see for themselves what I look like, what difference does the number make at that point?


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## luscious_lulu (Jul 2, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> The ones who ask immediately, I block. I'm not talking to someone so they can get a better mental image of my size to fap to and I'm not holding their hand when they claim I misunderstood them (my favorite: I'm a very visual guy) or because they're socially awkward. We're not going to mesh if you don't comprehend simple manners like not asking a stranger questions that are likely very personal.
> 
> The ones who ask after a few minutes or still during the initial conversation, I often get a vibe (and I'm sticking with my instincts, thanks) that they've been chomping at the bit and have been waiting for the lull in conversation or their own perception of intimacy, I do wonder if they have slightly refined their modus operandi because they used to be the guy in my first paragraph but actually had some kind of adaptation skills to delay the questions? They get discarded too.
> 
> ...



*must spread rep* 

I agree with all of this! I'll have to make sure to use your "criteria" requests... :bow:


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## superodalisque (Jul 3, 2011)

luscious_lulu said:


> *must spread rep*
> 
> I agree with all of this! I'll have to make sure to use your "criteria" requests... :bow:



casting is exactly right about those types. i think there are just some people who feel that fat folk are up for judgment and assessment as though others are the only people capable of making a choice. the very same are usually the type who won't share much if any info about themselves. that is enough to tell me how little they think of fat people and that they, like other fat prejudiced people, truly share the idea that we are desperate for any attention. i won't let them change who i am or go into the weight closet because they are asses though. i hold my head up. state my weight, and then never take them at all seriously except for my own amusement. if i'm not a person to them, they aren't a person for me either. if i am not an equal neither are they. i don't have to meet their criteria but they certainly must meet mine.


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## CastingPearls (Jul 3, 2011)

Because a woman doesn't want to or feel any need to give out her stats doesn't mean she's in a weight closet, and SuperO, I'm borrowing your term but not singling you out, but rather saying that there is some undercurrent that is often used as a manipulation tactic by men that says 'Well if you were comfortable in your skin or about your size or your beauty, or were not shy, you wouldn't hesitate to share them with the world' (meaning him him him) and women swallow that from them until it becomes an ersatz anthem and I'm not buying it, sorry. It is not liberating to me. The lucky dude who gets to hold me--he'll get all the stats he needs but I'm pretty damned sure he won't be needing any of them to get a good visual or idea of who the fuck I am. 

I doubt very much that my thin counterparts get asked all the time by potential suitors how much they weigh and if they did, some would be offended over a personal question regardless of whether or not they had body image issues. It's a personal thing. Not personal to you--awesome. No one is more evolved in their personal self-acceptance journey because they supply that feed. Or not. 

Again I say, go you if it's not an issue but I refuse to furnish details to prove.... myself.... because THAT'S what *I'M* hearing from both sides.


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## superodalisque (Jul 3, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> Because a woman doesn't want to or feel any need to give out her stats doesn't mean she's in a weight closet, and SuperO, I'm borrowing your term but not singling you out, but rather saying that there is some undercurrent that is often used as a manipulation tactic by men that says 'Well if you were comfortable in your skin or about your size or your beauty, or were not shy, you wouldn't hesitate to share them with the world' (meaning him him him) and women swallow that from them until it becomes an ersatz anthem and I'm not buying it, sorry. It is not liberating to me. The lucky dude who gets to hold me--he'll get all the stats he needs but I'm pretty damned sure he won't be needing any of them to get a good visual or idea of who the fuck I am.
> 
> I doubt very much that my thin counterparts get asked all the time by potential suitors how much they weigh and if they did, some would be offended over a personal question regardless of whether or not they had body image issues. It's a personal thing. Not personal to you--awesome. No one is more evolved in their personal self-acceptance journey because they supply that feed. Or not.
> 
> Again I say, go you if it's not an issue but I refuse to furnish details to prove.... myself.... because THAT'S what *I'M* hearing from both sides.



i'm just talking about for me. it has nothing to do with the men really. i felt that way before i ever knew what the community was and ever came into contact with men like that. the guys i dealt with before were much too respectful and polite to openly access a woman's body when just meeting them and i still prefer those kinds of men in my personal life. any woman can do whatever she is comfortable with. but for me i won't let some jerk make me feel confined when it comes to the actual numbers of my weight or age. it just won't work for me. but i'm not everybody and people feel very different than i do. i honor that. but first of all i honor how i feel when i interact with others. what other women chose to do is cool too as long as they feel in control of whats happening to them. i just feel that for me reacting to someone like that is forcing me to hide my light under a bushel and i'm not going to take that either. i won't let them make me feel controlled in that way either. 

if some guy takes the numbers and runs off into a dark corner to fap somewhere i really don't care. he doesn't matter to me. if the numbers is all it takes he is just some disconnected oddball of no use to me either way. i really don't care. he has no impact on me or my life unless he stops me from being who i really am and always was. i won't let him do that to me.

i think i have to make it clear, just because i prefer something it doesn't mean everyone else has to as well.


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## CastingPearls (Jul 3, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> i'm just talking about for me. it has nothing to do with the men really. i felt that way before i ever knew what the community was and ever came into contact with men like that. the guys i dealt with before were much too respectful and polite to openly access a woman's body when just meeting them and i still prefer those kinds of men in my personal life. any woman can do whatever she is comfortable with. but for me i won't let some jerk make me feel confined when it comes to the actual numbers of my weight or age. it just won't work for me. but i'm not everybody and people feel very different than i do. i honor that. *but first of all i honor how i feel when i interact with others. what other women chose to do is cool too as long as they feel in control of whats happening to them.* i just feel that for me reacting to someone like that is forcing me to hide my light under a bushel and i'm not going to take that either. i won't let them make me feel controlled in that way either.
> 
> i think i have to make it clear, just because i prefer something it doesn't mean everyone else has to as well.



I can accept and respect everything you've just shared but especially the bolded parts.


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## PhiloGirl (Jul 3, 2011)

Many of your posts have hit on what I couldn't quite put into words when I first asked the question... the way I felt when that was _the first_ question that a new person put to me, was that I wasn't a person to them, as superodalisque put it. And I felt that giving them what they requested was just supporting that idea, that behavior. I'm not so innocent and niave as to be crushed that a man might only be interested in what gets him off (WHAT? NEVER! lol), but I won't participate in becoming "that XXX-pounder with size XX whatever", instead of "Pamela, that girl I'm getting to know". Of course, this is how I felt. I echo many other comments here that whatever feels right to each individual is what they should go with.

I started this thread because I started with the sentiment that has also been brought up repeatedly, most recently by CastingPearls, I believe, is the (wrong) notion that if you're proud (or accepting) of your weight, you WILL share it. Odd reverse, isn't it? I didn't feel pressure from the individual asking the question in this case, but because of past shame I've suffered over my weight, I put some sort of twisted reverse psychology on myself - "Well, if you're not ashamed, what reason do you have for not telling?" Thanks to all the posters for helping me answer that question.


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## Fat Brian (Jul 3, 2011)

Posting stats is not a measure of how far your "acceptance" has come or how in love with yourself you are. I dare say that some who throw their stats around here do it out of attention seeking and searching for validation more than any degree of acceptance. Its a personal choice that doesn't have any bearing on your self worth and anyone who tries to make you feel like it does isn't worth speaking to.


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## mossystate (Jul 3, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> Posting stats is not a measure of how far your "acceptance" has come or how in love with yourself you are. I dare say that some who throw their stats around here do it out of attention seeking and searching for validation more than any degree of acceptance. .



So, as a fat woman, you don't throw your stats around. Brian, could you just leave some of these threads asking for the input of fat women...on the bbw forum...to fat women?


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## Sweet Tooth (Jul 3, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> Posting stats is not a measure of how far your "acceptance" has come or how in love with yourself you are. I dare say that some who throw their stats around here do it out of attention seeking and searching for validation more than any degree of acceptance. Its a personal choice that doesn't have any bearing on your self worth and anyone who tries to make you feel like it does isn't worth speaking to.



This makes me think of when I was brand-spanking-new to size acceptance back in college and had my first exposure to Dimensions, FAs, resources for clothing, body love, and so on. I think I took it and ran with it to the opposite spectrum from where I was, and one of the things I did was wearing tight, short/low-cut, sometimes inappropriate [for the activity/location] clothing. I bought into the idea that, if I accepted my body, I should be willing to show it.

Okay, I can buy into embracing your curves, but I found I wasn't doing what was right for me either. I wasn't dressing for my comfort. I wasn't wearing things I actually felt beautiful wearing. I went for sexy over flattering, if they didn't mesh in that outfit. It took me a long time to grow into my own personal level of comfort and style, and I'm not sure I'm there yet. If I'm not honoring the core parts of myself and my humanity in how I approach things - be it the clothes I wear or the numbers I share - it's still letting someone else call the shots out of desire for approval, acceptance, desire, or whatever.

This doesn't mean that someone who automatically falls into one category or another is not honoring themselves. Only they can speak to that. But someone should be allowed to be who they are, and some of us are simply more private.


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