# Shame



## Durin (Aug 1, 2014)

I am reading Negativity in recent edditions.

How many Fa feel ashamed about their preference. I am not talking about the closet but just not open in vocally sharing their preference.


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## Jon Blaze (Aug 2, 2014)

I'm open in most cases, and it has become more of a non-issue over time. I'm more concerned with how I express it at times: Not being an FA in and of itself.


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## loopytheone (Aug 2, 2014)

Not expressing something verbally all the time doesn't mean you are ashamed of it. I don't go around telling people I am vegetarian unless they are cooking for me, I don't tell people I am asexual unless they want to sleep with me and I don't tell people I am a FFA unless we are talking about preferences (which is a conversation I have never had with anyone). I am not ashamed about any of those things. 

I just don't think it is relevant to go around shouting about your sexual preferences. Most people will realise from seeing the type of person I date what I find attractive.


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## Jon Blaze (Aug 2, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> Not expressing something verbally all the time doesn't mean you are ashamed of it. I don't go around telling people I am vegetarian unless they are cooking for me, I don't tell people I am asexual unless they want to sleep with me and I don't tell people I am a FFA unless we are talking about preferences (which is a conversation I have never had with anyone). I am not ashamed about any of those things.
> 
> I just don't think it is relevant to go around shouting about your sexual preferences. Most people will realise from seeing the type of person I date what I find attractive.



This too. lol


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## Dr. Feelgood (Aug 2, 2014)

Jon Blaze said:


> I'm open in most cases, and it has become more of a non-issue over time.



I think this sums up a truth of human nature: when something is new to you, and you aren't quite comfortable with it yet, you tend to make a big deal out of it (in religion, this is called "convert zeal"). As you get more comfortable with it, it becomes less of an obsession. This is also true of new cars.


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## Nordiques (Aug 2, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I think this sums up a truth of human nature: when something is new to you, and you aren't quite comfortable with it yet, you tend to make a big deal out of it (in religion, this is called "convert zeal"). As you get more comfortable with it, it becomes less of an obsession. This is also true of new cars.



Agreed, and this is where I wonder if it is actually those who talk about it most who are less comfortable, rather than those who don't share it.

I'm in the situation where if people notice and ask, I will answer them honestly. I don't volunteer it, but I don't try to hide it.

That said, I have no judgment for people who *do* want to make it part of their identity. Some people find value in being open about it, talking about it, and having it as part of their social life. If that works for them, I'm all for it.


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## arch (Aug 3, 2014)

When I was younger I his my preference from all but two people. 

One of my female friends that wondered why I didn't want to go out with a girl she was trying to fix me up with. She was pretty freaked out about it but she stopped trying to fix me up with anyone.

And then about a year later my girlfriend (now wife) because I thought it was only fair because of how serious we were getting very serious and she is/was not my normal preference and she deserved to know. She took it well but told me not to expect anything, and 19 years together we are still together.

As I have gotten older I have shared it with a few other people but for the most part kept it to myself not because I am ashamed of it but because it isn't the kind of thing that comes up in conversation often.


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## CurvaceousBBWLover (Aug 5, 2014)

I am open and proud about my preference, but I do not feel the need to broadcast it.


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## spookytwigg (Aug 5, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> I just don't think it is relevant to go around shouting about your sexual preferences. Most people will realise from seeing the type of person I date what I find attractive.


Yep, this. I have no interest in other peoples preferences and I never intend to shout about mine.


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## RabbitScorpion (Aug 5, 2014)

None at all - not only of size, but being straight, and not wanting "NSA" at all.

No pride, either, it's just the way I was wired.


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## ffaboots (Aug 5, 2014)

Admittedly I'm nosy as hell, but I love hearing about other people's preferences when they're outside the norm. It's so nice to be reminded that not everybody wants the same thing!


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## Tad (Aug 6, 2014)

ffaboots said:


> Admittedly I'm nosy as hell, but I love hearing about other people's preferences when they're outside the norm. It's so nice to be reminded that not everybody wants the same thing!



Ditto on this!!!! ^^^^^


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## ShyGuy (Aug 8, 2014)

So, I just -- JUST recently decided that I was going to enjoy my weight. Of course, the normal health paranoia kicks in, which leads to the shame of being selfish.

But, then again, I've never been so turned on. So the shame/guilt and erotic narcissism are directly juxtaposed to each other -- a paradox.

So, that's what I'm currently wrestling with. To binge or not to binge...


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## Tad (Aug 8, 2014)

For some reason I seem to be moved to rant on Friday afternoons

If I’m counting the years properly, I hit puberty and sexual awareness in 1979, in the suburbs of a pretty white collar city in Canada. I don’t know about other people, in other places and at other times, but for me there was immediately a lot of shame associated with sex and sexuality, period. 

Sex-education in school was still pretty minimal, naughty magazines were no doubt for sale in various places, but well enough hidden that I never noticed them. Sex wasn’t talked about in schools, in music it was still well hidden in euphemisms (well enough hidden that I didn’t know they were euphemisms at the time). Underwear was still hidden inside t-shirts on the clothesline. Basically everything sexual still felt pretty taboo, a secret world that we weren’t supposed to notice existed, even if we couldn’t help it.

What I did know was that teenage sexuality was a bad thing—or at least something that only &#8216;bad kids’ pursued (or so it was portrayed). A simple game of spin the bottle felt dangerous, like trespassing or walking around downtown alone—there was no legitimate reason for doing it, and if you were hoping for anything other than to get out safely then clearly you were some sort of deviant. Heck, anything that broke the unspoken rule that boys hung out with boys and girls hung out with girls seemed risky, not that you’d immediately remove clothes, just that you could be accused of, well, something. 

Because everyone knew that boys were sexual aggressors, girls were victims of that. That much we heard about, in sex-ed, in the news, in books and movies. Scummy boys pushed, girls might eventually break down and say yes, and nothing good would come of it. I mean, we’d all heard heard Meatloaf singing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” ( [ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmPMMitJDYg[/ame] ) The message was pretty unambiguous, and I sure knew I didn't want to be like that guy in the song 

It was entirely clear that the male sex drive was a source of problems, but there I was, unable to go an hour without thinking about girls—specifically about their bodies. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so ashamed if I’d been able to focus more on their personalities or their intellect, but while I was somehow most interested in nice, smart, girls, it was the bodies of said nice, smart, girls that I couldn’t get out of my mind.

Especially if there was some softness, some fullness, some curve, or some outright chub in those bodies. Most really didn’t, there and then. There were 18 girls in my grade six class—I went through that list alphabetically so many times, thinking of their relative merits, that I can still remember who most of them are, thirty-five years later—and two were a bit chubby and one more had just a little bit of weight on her. I know this because I spent most of my time thinking about it, sorting through the visuals in my head, analyzing, comparing, wishing, wondering if any of them would get fatter in the future. I didn’t really dare add &#8216;wonder if any of them liked me’ because the answer I assumed was too depressing to consider. 

I definitely didn’t dare to admit that I also wanted to know &#8216;would any of them like me if I got fat?’ My head would have exploded from the impossibility of considering it. So I made up fantasies of other boys and girls, who were fat and knew they liked being fat and knew they wanted fat boyfriends and girlfriends, and created long, involved, daydreams of them—it was far safer than associating any of my sexuality with anyone who was real.

So yes I was ashamed that fat turned me on, but mostly I was just ashamed of being turned on.

Of course, over time I got a better grip on myself, but mostly I’d say I learned to deal with the shame without being totally paralyzed, not that I ever got rid of the shame. It may have changed its shape a bit, but it is still mostly the same shame I feel if I notice someone attractive and enjoy looking at them for a moment. I’m married and shouldn’t be noticing and certainly not looking. It isn’t polite to ogle people. The tyranny of the male gaze is apparently the source of many evils in the world. Why do I have to respond to such a natural sight with lust? Why can’t I be proper, calm, not moved by such base lusts? It finds new questions to ask, but it is fundamentally the same shame that has been with me since sixth grade.

To be honest, I always just figured this was normal, what everyone is dealing with. That like me, everyone just had to find ways to not let that shame dominate their lives or rule their behavior, that it was always lurking in everyone’s heads, and we were all mentally whistling as we passed the graveyard when we tried to act nonchalant around topics sexual.

That some people feel no shame about their sexuality is awesome, but something that I can’t really imagine experiencing any more than I could imagine not wanting dessert no matter how big the meal was. (the shame of that hunger has been with me even longer, lol).


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## loopytheone (Aug 9, 2014)

Really interesting post Tad, it has given me a lot to think about! I know that for deviantARTs 14th birthday this year they were asking people to share their dA stories and it really got me thinking. When I first joined the sight as a 13 year old I was already fantasising about bigger people and their adventures and such in my stories and daydreams but I felt a huge amount of shame in it at the time. It took me a long time to realise but looking back now, I was never ashamed of liking bigger people specifically, I was ashamed of liking anything or anyone at all in that way.

I might have been born in 1990 and hit 13 in 2003 but in my family at least there was still a culture that sex and sexuality were bad and wrong and dirty and something to be ashamed of. My whole teenage years I repressed any liking of people and was so ashamed by my liking of bigger people that I started a whole different account on dA under a pseudonym just to post my art and stories of bigger people where people wouldn't know who I am. It took so long to be brave enough to most them and I felt so ashamed at first.

As an adult I have come to terms with the fact that sexuality and liking people are nothing to be ashamed of; my 'fat' dA account has an avatar that spells out 'loopy' and I refer to myself as that and don't try and hide the connection between myself in real life and that account with art of bigger people. So after some introspection, I can really identify with your thoughts, Tad.


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## Blockierer (Aug 10, 2014)

Durin said:


> I am reading Negativity in recent edditions.
> 
> How many Fa feel ashamed about their preference. I am not talking about the closet but just not open in vocally sharing their preference.


I'm definitely not ashamed being an FA.
Question: Is there a place where FAs can vocally express their fetish/preference?

Maybe an future topic for the Dimension channel on youtube https://www.youtube.com/user/DimensionsMagazine. See also http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1428027&postcount=1.


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## choudhury (Aug 18, 2014)

That was indeed a really interesting post. 

Before the internet age, at least - not to whine too much - it was pretty lonely growing up FA. As Tad says, the (at the time) normal hang-ups and repressions about sex were compounded by the sense that one's sexuality was abnormal. Every single time I inched toward expressing my preference, very clear signal were sent that it was weird and contemptible. Even my first gf (a BBW) recoiled and called me weird when I tried. These reactions were not affectionate teasing, they were outright abhorrence and rejection. These things tend to have a very negative impact on an insecure teenager.

My response to all this has been twofold. One, to shut up about it. Two, to live my life as I please and be with the women that I want to be with (if they'll have me). My recipe is therefore to pursue my preference while expecting that those around me (peers and friends) will have the civility not to comment on my partners' bodies one way or the other. I'm not really the type to attract pals who elbow each other and comment on women's boobs in public, y'know. 

I don't know whether it's easier for young FAs now. With the proliferation of the internet, along with what seems to be a strong cultural shift toward toleration of diversity and difference, perhaps young FAs have many more resources than I did.


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## Amaranthine (Aug 23, 2014)

choudhury said:


> Even my first gf (a BBW) recoiled and called me weird when I tried. These reactions were not affectionate teasing, they were outright abhorrence and rejection. These things tend to have a very negative impact on an insecure teenager.



This is way too true. I remember being horrifically self-conscious of telling my first (very mildly) chubby boyfriend. Sometime afterwards, I asked him if he would prefer if I were different, and he said yes. Gosh was I crushed. And as things were crumbling apart, he kindly let me know that I'd never find anyone who dealt with it as well as he did. 

As a result, I felt pretty awful about it up until I was 18 and actually joined here (instead of merely lurking.) I never _naturally_ felt like it should be something to be ashamed of? I was fine with it on my own. But in relation to people who could be considered relevant, absolutely. I still dislike having to disclose it if the appropriate situation arises, but I've gotten better. I have no problem sharing it with friends; most people that I'm decent friends with are aware.


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## Durin (Aug 25, 2014)

I'ts kind of an important conversation and it seems like it becomes difficult because it is hard to know how someone will respond. I think it is easier if you have that discussion at the beginning of a relationship right up front.


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## LifeTraveller (Aug 26, 2014)

Durin said:


> I am reading Negativity in recent edditions.
> 
> How many Fa feel ashamed about their preference. I am not talking about the closet but just not open in vocally sharing their preference.



For a brief time I was "shamed", but as the quote goes. . "To thine own self be true"! But more importantly, be true to the bbw, or ssbbw you adore. . PDA's are the bomb!!


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## loopytheone (Aug 27, 2014)

LifeTraveller said:


> For a brief time I was "shamed", but as the quote goes. . "To thine own self be true"! But more importantly, be true to the bbw, or ssbbw you adore. . PDA's are the bomb!!



Unless your partner doesn't like them. No awkward bbw/bhm kissing, please! =p


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