# upset...



## Clariposita22 (Jun 18, 2009)

How would you react if out of anger your husband/significant other calls you a pregnant cow. I'm not pregnant of course but I'm fat. I couldn't believe it. I think he didn't mean for me to hear but I did.


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## Tooz (Jun 18, 2009)

Clariposita22 said:


> How would you react if out of anger your husband/significant other calls you a pregnant cow. I'm not pregnant of course but I'm fat. I couldn't believe it. I think he didn't mean for me to hear but I did.



I'd smack him so hard his grandfather'd feel it. That is ridiculous and...ugh.


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## Teleute (Jun 18, 2009)

I think "upset" would be an understatement! Saying something like that just shows he has no respect for you, and that is not cool. That really sucks, I'm sorry he's such a jerk  You deserve someone a million times better than that. *hugs*


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## mossystate (Jun 18, 2009)

How did YOU react. I would really like to know your gut feelings...no qualifying...no editing. Also, do you have kids?


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## thatgirl08 (Jun 18, 2009)

Divorce can be a beautiful thing.


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## jewels_mystery (Jun 18, 2009)

Did you talk to him about it? I would be pissed off and he would know it. hugs


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## Clariposita22 (Jun 18, 2009)

mossystate said:


> How did YOU react. I would really like to know your gut feelings...no qualifying...no editing. Also, do you have kids?



We have 2 boys. I've been crying for the last hour cuz I can't believe he said that to me. He is not a small man either. I'm just shocked and hurt. There is nothing he can ever say to erase those words from my heart. It brought all the horrible memories from when I was a child. Kids used to call me that....


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## mossystate (Jun 18, 2009)

Clariposita22 said:


> We have 2 boys. I've been crying for the last hour cuz I can't believe he said that to me. He is not a small man either. I'm just shocked and hurt. There is nothing he can ever say to erase those words from my heart. It brought all the horrible memories from when I was a child. Kids used to call me that....



I am so very sorry. As you know, it wouldn't matter if he were skinny. When he saw that you had heard him, what did he say. 

When you can calm the most raw of emotions, I would suggest you sit down and write out what you want to say, in terms of what you will and will not accept. Were you able to say anything at all? Are you comfortable confronting him? If not, then this is more than one horrible name.


He needs to know that your boys will not be taught that when you get pissed at someone, you go to the places you know will hurt them the most. The more you can be firm and calm, the better. Bullies feed on drama, no matter how damned dramatic you deserve to be.


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## Sandie S-R (Jun 18, 2009)

Clariposita22 said:


> How would you react if out of anger your husband/significant other calls you a pregnant cow. I'm not pregnant of course but I'm fat. I couldn't believe it. I think he didn't mean for me to hear but I did.



My husband and I have been together a long time. Like any couple we have our disagreements occasionally and certainly have been mad at each other. However he has never called me a hurtful or derogatory name, and I have never done that to him. I think it is because we respect each other very much. 

I personally think what your SO said shows an extreme lack of respect for you, and quite frankly if it were me, I wouldn't put up with it. There is no excuse for being mean or cruel, no matter how angry one can be. 

Just my 2 cents.


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## Punkin1024 (Jun 18, 2009)

My gut reaction would be shock because my husband has never called me an ugly name, even if he was angry with me. My personal opinion is that kind of name calling is very immature and not a respectful way to respond (even if angered) to your mate. 

Has your husband ever reacted in this way before? I'm just curious if this is out of the ordinary for him or if it is a pattern.


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## wolfpersona (Jun 18, 2009)

You should smack him.
You probably have a cute belly.:happy:


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## wolfpersona (Jun 18, 2009)

If i had ever said anything mean like that to my girlfreind i'd Be upset with myself before i had said it.


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## mossystate (Jun 18, 2009)

wolfpersona said:


> You probably have a cute belly.:happy:





And......it starts.


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## kittencat (Jun 18, 2009)

my ex once called me something very very similar...I threw a plate at him....it made me feel better  but i wont reccomend it.I have amazing aim.While it is messed up fro him to say.He probably said it cus he was angry.And im not defending him AT ALL im just saying people like to hit you where it hurts.What an ass..you deserve better


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## Weeze (Jun 18, 2009)

Um,
Name calling is one of the first signs of potential abuse, isn't it?
in fact, i'm pretty sure it IS considered a form of abuse.
Not cool.


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## StarWitness (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. You have every right to be upset; you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, especially by the man you're raising two children with.

I agree with mossy, you should give yourself some time to distance yourself emotionally, then confront him about what he said. Keep us updated (if you'd like); we're always here to listen. **hugs**


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## moore2me (Jun 19, 2009)

Clariposita22 said:


> How would you react if out of anger your husband/significant other calls you a pregnant cow. I'm not pregnant of course but I'm fat. I couldn't believe it. I think he didn't mean for me to hear but I did.



Clariposta22 I am sorry your husband has started calling you names. As OPs have stated this is usually one of the first cracks in a relationship that is breaking apart. It will probably taking couseling to fix this, or divorce. I recommend that you and he try to patch it up thru counseling for the sake of the kids (as long as there is no physical abuse). 

I have caught myself a couple of times making faces at my husband when he wasn't looking (sticking my tongue out, making pig faces) but sometimes I just lose my temper. If he caught me doing this he would . . . . well, I don't want to think about it. I would deserve what I got. But, I'm not good with verbal exchanges, physical displays are more to my liking. As in any marriage, there are strengths and shortcomings on both husband's and wife's side. Both of us have the potential to do hurtful things over the years, either accicdentally or on purpose.

There are two things I would not excuse - infidelity and physical abuse. I try to work the other stuff out by negotiation, serious discussion, setting rules, time outs, bribes, or telling his mother or someone else he respects to talk to him and make him cease and desist.

I would have also told him that his Father's Day breakfast in bed is currently in serious jeopardy. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is totally off the subject of taking a errant, surly, and cantankerous husband and trying to smooth off the rough edges & make his acceptable to your standards.

I am not being swarmy here - just totally sincere. I live in a rural dairy farming area. I have always loved cows and think they are magnificent and amazing products of genetics and breeding. Our neighbors have the most beautiful Holsteins. They are big and have pretty black and white coats. They feed us all by making up to 50-70 gallons of milk a day at their peak. Their babies are just as cute.

My grandma raised even prettier cows - Jerseys. They had brown faces, big brown eyes, and caramel colored coats. Jerseys don't make as much milk as Holsteins, but their milk has more butterfat in it. Grandma made butter and sold it from her cows. A baby from a Jersey cow is one of the cutest critters on a farm.

Another reason for liking cows is that their are essentially a female driven herd. The males or bulls, pretty much keep to themselves until they are needed for breeding. These days a lot of breeding is done by artificial insemination, so many farms do not even have a bull. Male calves are sold off the farm. Female calves are kept and valued.

I would be the kind of person to start collecting cow stuff in my kitchen - salt and pepper shakers for example, wall art, dish clothes, refrigerator magnets, etc. I think this would be an act of defiance and show the Mr that his words no longer have power against you.


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## olwen (Jun 19, 2009)

If it happened to me, I'd be shocked and pissed, and I'd let him know to never talk to me like that again. If you usually get along, I'd wonder if he's upset over something else completely unrelated to you, to the point where he lashes out. I'd ask if something else was up. Either way that kind of language isn't cool. After you've calmed down maybe try to talk about it.


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## Tina (Jun 19, 2009)

You mention that he is not thin himself, so that got me thinking. I wonder how he feels about his own body, and if he isn't transferring that onto you. I'm not saying you should feel sorry for him -- at all. But more, that it's possible he has similar crappy internal dialogue towards himself.

If you feel that he is a good partner and father in every other way, I'd have a talk with him, and ask him how he would feel if you called him that, and maybe explore his own feelings about his body. 

_Generally_, fat men don't necessarily have it quite as hard as fat women do, but in many cases they sure can. "Fatboy" is a term a lot of fat men hear from thin men. Anyway, if he's worth the talk, I'd have it. If he's not, then maybe it's time to start making your plans to separate; because if this is just one more thing in a line of 'things,' it's generally better to be on one's own than in a bad relationship, IMO.


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## mergirl (Jun 19, 2009)

I think i'm too angry to respond to this is any constructive way. Though, i think the advice of trying to talk to him rationally, once you feel a bit less raw emotionally is a good one. State to him in no uncertain terms that you will never be talked to like that and why he felt the need to call you such a name. 
I think had it happened to me i would have lost my temper instantly and a huge row would have ensued with lots of shouting about his tiny worm cock etc. Though i guess that would not have been the adult thing to do, would probably have made things a whole lot worse etc etc.. Maby you should ask him how HE would have felt if you were having a row and you called him 'worm cock' ?? I'm sure he would feel all kinds of insecure. 
Sorry you feel shit.. i hope you manage to find some sort of resolution.


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## Tau (Jun 19, 2009)

Did he say it to your face or you overheard him saying it to somebody else? Were you fat when the two of you married? I'd rather be insulted to my face than hear about it behind my back. That said, take a deep breath and challenge him on it. You can't let this go, you can't ignore it and you can't ignore the fact that this is potentially how he thinks about you and has spoken about you to other people. Find out and then act. I don't think divorce is a good move cos when you get married you should go into it expecting to have times when you actively despise your partner - it happens - but if the marriage is meant to last, those times end. Ask him... I hope it works out.


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## Clariposita22 (Jun 19, 2009)

I thank u all for your kind words. He has never said anything like this before. We will be married for 8 years this december.
Yes I was a fat cow when we met and have been consistently lol. We were not even arguing. He said it under his breath but I heard him. I said to him 'pregnant cow' very nice! He closed the door and went on about his business. - cried, my eyes are still swollen. I am hurt but not as hurt as he's going to be cuz I'm never gonna forgive him for this one.


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## Your Plump Princess (Jun 19, 2009)

I Would Make his Life a Living HELL For the next 6 Months to a Year.


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## Tracyarts (Jun 19, 2009)

I'd confront him over it. Not start a fight over it, but rationally explain why it hurt you so much and make sure he understands that it is not the kind of treatment you are willing to accept from him. And then just wait and see if he does it again. If it was truly a one-time or very rare thing, blurted out in a heightened state of emotion, then it's best to just put it to rest and move on, and not dredge it back up over and over again to use as ammunition in a fight or to try and lay a guilt trip on him. I'd guess that a lot of us have said something we wish we could take back when our emotions got the best of us. But, if it starts to become a pattern, then it's drifting into verbal abuse territory and that kind of thing needs to be dealt with immediately and seriously because it usually just gets worse.


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## BothGunsBlazing (Jun 19, 2009)

Tell him that he doesn't have to worry that you're a "pregnant cow" because the kid isn't his anyway.


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## Observer (Jun 19, 2009)

> I am hurt but not as hurt as he's going to be *cuz I'm never gonna forgive him for this one.*



You have every right to be hurt, and depriving him of breakfast in bed on Father's day is mild - like treating a felony crime as a misdemeanor. This kind of remark is totally out of line, a serious matter that at a minimum should require some serious boundary setting and probably some formal counseling to find out what goes on inside his head. Meanwhile I like the idea of starting the cute cow collection to illustrate that you're not going to let words control you.

The above said, you have a hard decision to make about what the ultimate goal is here. If you truly want to punish and "never forgive" then see a divorce lawyer on Monday and file the papers. Meanwhile take the kids and leave - not telling him where you are. But if you love the lug at your core despite his boorish behavior then "never forgiving" should be off the table. 

If you want to continue this marriage forgiveness and repair of the ruptured relationship should be the long term objective. But he definitely needs a major attitude adjustment and examination of his core feelings. You need assurance that this will NEVER be repeated and that requires commitment on his part, beginning with cooperation in therapy - what issues inside him triggered the remark? 

You need therapy as well - your bond of trust has been damaged. What is in his heart and how can you be sure no matter what he says in the future? 

The point we all seem to agree on is that even in jest remarks such as this are simply NOT acceptable and he needs to agree on this. In addition to your hurt feelings, what if the kids had heard them? Could they conclude its alright for them to haze classmates in similar fashion?


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## mergirl (Jun 19, 2009)

The thing that i find strange is that you say you don't think he ment you to hear.. I think he probably did and finding out if he did would change the ways in which you could deal with this. If he didn't mean for you to hear, maby yeah..its his own body image insecurities or it was just the first angry thing he could think to say (which would need exploration) and if he said it because he knew you would hear and that it would be a sore point for you then it is just abuse..plain and simple.


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## JenFromOC (Jun 19, 2009)

Ask him if he is out of his goddamn mind...then flip the f*ck out...it won't fix anything, but it might make you feel better. Oh, and get a divorce. (Sorry...I'm not good at talking things out...) I'm sorry that this happened to you


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## Tad (Jun 19, 2009)

Hmmm, a really difficult situation. 

- There is no way he should have done that, but he did, and the work on time machines isn't going well, so it can't be undone.

- I kind of have to assume that it was said in anger, that he muttered it and left like that. He may have regretted if afterwards, but he didn't come right back and apologize, so it doesn't matter much what he felt, he didn't DO anything to fix the situation.

- Of course you are mad. Who wouldn't be?

- Discussions where both people are mad occasionally resolve things that would never get resolved otherwise, but usually they just make things worse....I don't see you getting over being mad any time soon, and I have no idea what he was mad about and if he is apt to be over it any time soon. So most discussions seem apt to escalate into more anger, with the possibility of both sides saying things they are apt to regret.

So what can you do, besides sitting there with steam coming out of your ears, or ripping his eyes out with a rusty spoon? (which would be about what I'd be wanting to do if I were in your shoes)

I don't know how much reading you do in english, but a book I suggest a lot is called "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" by Suzette Haden-Elgin. It is a very good, practical, guide to dealing with difficult verbal situations in a way that protects you without bullying others. I know the library stocks it here, and it is available through Amazon. It might be worth reading it....but the time it takes to get the book, read it all, absorb the ideas and get any good with them makes it a long term project, and while it might help in the long term it doesn't help much right now.

In the short term, I'm thinking the same principle may apply as with kids: make it clear that actions have consequences, and make the consequence related to the action. The rest of this is my suggestion, based on that idea. I'm not saying it is the best solution, just the one that I could think of.

He called you a pregnant cow, implying he's not attracted to you. It may have been a moment of anger, but until he's really made it up to you, I see no reason that he should be touching you, at all. No kissing, no hugging, no sex, no nothing. I think he's lost that privelege and needs to earn it back. Also, for treating you like that, I think he's lost all special care and consideration. He is still part of the family, but your priorities can be you and your kids. He doesn't get his favorite meal or dessert, you don't rent a movie you know he wants to watch, and so on.

BUT, if that is going to have any value, you have to let him know why. Guys often aren't so good at reading between the lines. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just "I heard what you said and it REALLY hurt. I don't want much to do with anyone who hurts me like that. You are still part of our family, but keep your hands off of me." If he asks how long that is going to go on for, the answer is "Until you make the hurt feel better."


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## MisterGuy (Jun 19, 2009)

People talking about divorce need to get a fucking grip. A) You don't know the context of this argument, B) There are kids involved. Insulting your spouse is never acceptable, but to me this merits a long period of extreme contrition, not having your children taken away from you.


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## HottiMegan (Jun 19, 2009)

I have had some pretty large fights with my husband and he never called me a hateful name. So you have major grounds to punish him.
Like Edx said, you have to tell him that you're punishing him. My husband is really dense when i'm mad at him and showing it. i usually have to spell it out. If you are too angry to say it to his face, email him. I've done that. He HAS to know how you feel though. His reaction to how hurt you are can gauge your next move. I have been so immature to not cook dinner for my husband for a week. And hiding his combs. (real mature, i know) I have no idea what will work for you to feel vindicated. Talking to him about it or even at first, emailing, is important for the health of your relationship.


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## Spanky (Jun 19, 2009)

I am so sorry about your situation. It is impossible to know all the nuances of your story. Only you know everything. 

As a husband and a father of two boys my priorities are as follows:

1. My boys
2. My wife
3. Me

After my wife calling me a fat assed slob to someone else, my priorities would adjust to:

1. My boys
2. Me
3. My wife

There would be things like counseling, personal discussions, time, forgiveness, understanding and some sort of final resolution that would again be based on the adjusted priorities above. Over time, maybe #2 and #3 would again move back to the original positions. 

My wife thinking such of me would not adjust my priority to my boys. As long as my wife and I could get along peacefully, I would be content to keep the family in tact for sake of the boys having both parents around and a safe balanced environment until they were adults. If she thinks me ugly, fine, my focus is on my boys. If she is a real mother, her focus will be on her/my boys first also. 

Divorce. Assault. Battery. I would not suggest any of these based on a single incident insult (as per your story). Serious as it is, is it within the priorities of your boys dealing with a torn up home? Or an assault charge? 

Your boys. Your. Boys. They need both of you. The best thing over the long haul is to get it worked out with him and allow your boys to have their mother AND father close by when they need him most. Like they need you. 

Best of luck to you. 


- a dad


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## katherine22 (Jun 19, 2009)

BothGunsBlazing said:


> Tell him that he doesn't have to worry that you're a "pregnant cow" because the kid isn't his anyway.



Seriously, if only more women thought like men.


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## sunnie1653 (Jun 19, 2009)

As much as I'd like to say "I'd smack him across his smart mouth" and leave the house, I know as a Mom I couldn't do that to the father of my children no matter what he called me.

I certainly wouldnt stand for it, and I'd be telling him that the manner in which he chose to speak to me -- his wife and the mother of his children - was unacceptable and will never be tolerated again. 

And I would leave it at that.


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## thatgirl08 (Jun 19, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> People talking about divorce need to get a fucking grip. A) You don't know the context of this argument, B) There are kids involved. Insulting your spouse is never acceptable, but to me this merits a long period of extreme contrition, not having your children taken away from you.



In what context would that be acceptable?


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 19, 2009)

Unless you have a family tradition of exchanging hurtful words to let off steam (which pretty clearly you don't) it seems to me there are only 3 possibilities here?

1) He felt that way (at least for that moment) but didn't want you to know.

2) He felt that way (at least for that moment) and wanted you to know without realizing how much it would hurt you.

3) He didn't feel that way but wanted to hurt you (for whatever reason). 

While none of these speak particularly well for him, option 3 is the only one that seems to present much chance for resolution and avoiding recurrences. Do you know why he might want to hurt you? Don't get me wrong; there's no excusing what he said, whatever his reasons. Anger affects people differently though. Some of us tend to internalize it with self -reproach or self-destructive behavior. Others lash out at those who care for them. Still others suppress it until it erupts suddenly and unpredictably in a fit of rage or violence. 

For the safety of your children you need to either try and understand if anger was what prompted him to insult you (and, if so, hopefully help him learn to address it in mature, healthy ways) or get the kids out of harms way. People who lash out in anger to hurt those they love can become toxic very quickly. Children are very susceptible to damage from verbal abuse. However you choose to deal with it please take their vulnerability into consideration. 

JMO. I'm not qualified _in any way_ to offer psychological or family counseling. I've just been around way too many situations where it was needed but not provided. I'm very sorry you or anyone else ever has to go through this kind of pain. :bow:


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## MisterGuy (Jun 19, 2009)

thatgirl08 said:


> In what context would that be acceptable?





> Insulting your spouse is never acceptable



I need to write more to post this, so here's me writing more.


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## Risible (Jun 19, 2009)

Clariposita22 said:


> How would you react if out of anger your husband/significant other calls you a pregnant cow. I'm not pregnant of course but I'm fat. I couldn't believe it. I think he didn't mean for me to hear but I did.



Is this out of character for him? If so, you need to find out why he would even be _thinking_ such a thing, let alone saying it out loud. And if he said it out loud, then he meant, at some level, for you to hear. Why the hostility from him? (Rhetorical questions, of course, for you to ponder).

I've been married eight years now myself. Hurtful words have been exchanged between me and my husband in that time, of course, and talks must follow. I like to wait until a time when he is open to talk (he's well rested, he's not hungry, not anxious, not distracted) and, more importantly, to listen.

I know this is going to come across as critical, but I have to say it. Are communications between you and your husband so bad that you feel comfortable in airing this on an online forum? That you have posted your complaint here asking for advice from, well, strangers, seems like an indication of problems in your relationship in addition to the humiliation and hurt of the name he called you.

I wish you well with your marriage.


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## Clariposita22 (Jun 19, 2009)

Risible said:


> Is this out of character for him? If so, you need to find out why he would even be _thinking_ such a thing, let alone saying it out loud. And if he said it out loud, then he meant, at some level, for you to hear. Why the hostility from him? (Rhetorical questions, of course, for you to ponder).
> 
> I've been married eight years now myself. Hurtful words have been exchanged between me and my husband in that time, of course, and talks must follow. I like to wait until a time when he is open to talk (he's well rested, he's not hungry, not anxious, not distracted) and, more importantly, to listen.
> 
> ...



hello again!!!
i posted this message 2 minutes after i heard him say that..... i was shocked and angry and quite honestly i didn't know why i posted a message... maybe because this forum is full of big people who have had struggles of one sort or another. 
If you read my comment closely, i am not asking for advise.... i am simply asking how everyone would react....... not once did i say, my marriage is in the rocks and i need for "strangers" to solve my problems....... sometimes is good to hear what other people have gone through and how they have handled the issue successfully.


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## Bafta1 (Jun 19, 2009)

Hey Clariposita!

I was saddened to hear that you were made upset. I don't think people are handing out marriage counseling on purpose. Your experience is one that simply pushes buttons and provokes a strong reaction. We all have hang ups: even "strangers" are human.

I'd have been upset in your position. I think trust is a huge part of what it is to love someone. We give up our weaknesses when we're in a relationship, and our partners are the ones who, ideally, learn to know us best. The trust we put in our other demands that even in the most trying times they won't use our weaknesses against us. That's kind of a huge part of what it is to love someone, and that's what makes your story so emotionally provocative.

A friend once told me that I was kind of screwed up; she listed all the reasons why I was a screw up before telling me that she had no sympathy and that I should just snap out of it. It was kind of like someone holding up a mirror in an unflatteringly-lit room. I didn't say anything. I just left. I guess passive aggression is my way. It's just the thing that seems most natural, but it isn't a very productive way of dealing with upset.

I hope you managed to clear the air. Good luck!


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## thatgirl08 (Jun 19, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> I need to write more to post this, so here's me writing more.



Then why does the context matter?


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## JenFromOC (Jun 20, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> People talking about divorce need to get a fucking grip. A) You don't know the context of this argument, B) There are kids involved. Insulting your spouse is never acceptable, but to me this merits a long period of extreme contrition, not having your children taken away from you.



No, I don't think I need to get a fucking grip...


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## mergirl (Jun 20, 2009)

thatgirl08 said:


> Then why does the context matter?


The only time the context would be the correct one would be if your wife actually was a pregnant bovine. I hear this is legal in utah??


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 20, 2009)

mergirl said:


> The only time the context would be the correct one would be if your wife actually was a pregnant bovine. I hear this is legal in utah??



Same ol' same ol'. It always comes down to the calves and the calve nots, doesn't it?


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## mergirl (Jun 20, 2009)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Same ol' same ol'. It always comes down to the calves and the calve nots, doesn't it?


Groan! haha..What a lot of Bullocks you talk! moove away..moove away!


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## Tracii (Jun 20, 2009)

I would be very upset and kick his ass.Do tell him how you feel about what he said and don't hold back let it rip.
I don't hold back and react very quickly when my BF or anyone else blurts out something so hurtful.
My Mom is bad for saying things about my weight and I let her know I don't appreciate it.Went about a month and didn't talk to her just because she told me my ass was a big as a barn.
Mothers day was during that time and I never called her and that was hard on both of us.


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## mergirl (Jun 20, 2009)

Tracii said:


> I would be very upset and kick his ass.
> I don't hold back and react very quickly when my BF or anyone else blurts out something so hurtful.
> My Mom is bad for saying things about my weight and I let her know I don't appreciate it.Went about a month and didn't talk to her just because she told me my ass was a big as a barn.
> Mothers day was during that time and I never called her and that was hard on both of us.


What is it with the 'farm' insults?? jebus!! 
People can be such arseholes.. You know what tracii, i totally think you did the right thing. If people are shit to you, then just don't give them the pleasure of being around you for a while AND tell them why. Grrr people!!


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## MisterGuy (Jun 20, 2009)

thatgirl08 said:


> Then why does the context matter?



Because while it's unacceptable to call your partner names, a more complete knowledge of what might have led up to this could make it more understandable. People say shitty things to each other when they're hurt, and although this is really really shitty, jumping to "divorce him, girl!" is ridiculous, esp. considering there are kids involved. 

Really, it's ridiculous discussing this on an internet message board with strangers, but it's doubly so to, as a stranger, encourage this woman to break up her family over an episode of name-calling.


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## MisterGuy (Jun 20, 2009)

JenFromOC said:


> No, I don't think I need to get a fucking grip...



Well, touche!


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## mergirl (Jun 20, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Because while it's unacceptable to call your partner names, a more complete knowledge of what might have led up to this could make it more understandable. People say shitty things to each other when they're hurt, and although this is really really shitty, jumping to "divorce him, girl!" is ridiculous, esp. considering there are kids involved.
> 
> Really, it's ridiculous discussing this on an internet message board with strangers, but it's doubly so to, as a stranger, encourage this woman to break up her family over an episode of name-calling.


I think most people were saying that if this sort of abuse is going to keep happening then to break up would be the sensible thing, not that divorce would be the option to go for after someone called you a name once. I'm not sure i agree about your 'context' theory in this case. If say, for instance she chopped his cock off and he called her a 'fucking bitch' to her face..then yeah..maby he would have that right. To call someone a pregnant cow is very loaded, so there doesnt seem to be any real context for it.. even "you just stabbed me in the balls..you pregnant cow". It kinna doesnt make sense. i just cannot see where this insult could be used in context unless the context was trying to make someone feel insecure about themselves. This is kinna manipulative and abusive and not just something you say because you blurt it out because you are angry.. its either something you think or something you think will hurt someone. Either way..not nice in any context.


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## BeautifulPoeticDisaster (Jun 20, 2009)

I'd respect myself and leave. No one should allow themselves to be "loved" by someone who thinks such terrible things about them!!!


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## mossystate (Jun 20, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Because while it's unacceptable to call your partner names, a more complete knowledge of what might have led up to this could make it more understandable.




Bullshit. 

You deal with the stresses, you never accept it when people go to the most hurtful places to ' get ya '. Everybody gets pissed. Everybody is able to use some pretty colorful language, when upset. Everybody has those times where you need to figure out " what led up to it ". I don't care about his explanation. When you go for the jugular, you no longer get to say a whole lot more. And I say this as someone who didn't say she should divorce him...unless he does not truly understand the damage he has done, and it happens again.


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## MisterGuy (Jun 20, 2009)

mossystate said:


> Bullshit.



Bullshit to you and yours, as well. 



> To call someone a pregnant cow is very loaded, so there doesnt seem to be any real context for it.. even "you just stabbed me in the balls..you pregnant cow".



If someone stabs me in the balls, they'd better be prepared to be called some unpleasant names.


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## mossystate (Jun 20, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Bullshit to you and yours, as well.



*L* Aw, I was just matching your telling people to get a fucking grip. It's not fun when the fatties talk back...is it. :happy:


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## TraciJo67 (Jun 20, 2009)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> I'd respect myself and leave. No one should allow themselves to be "loved" by someone who thinks such terrible things about them!!!



The OP has children with this man, and she hasn't said whether it was an isolated incident or the latest in an established history of verbal abuse. I don't think it's wise advise to tell this stranger that she should leave the father of his children based on what has been shared here. 

My husband has never been verbally cruel, but he has made serious mistakes that hurt me badly. I have hurt him as badly, I'm sure. But we're also mature, reasonable adults and we love each other. I've always known that when he's hurt me, it was unintentional and that he's truly sorry for causing me pain ... and most importantly, that the same mistake won't be made twice. OP, you need to make sure that your husband knows that he's hurt you, and that what he said to you will have a lasting impact on how you view the relationship. If he loves you, and he's a good man, he'll be genuinely sorry for hurting you, he'll offer some kind of explanation for why he made such a cruel and thoughtless remark, and will never do so again. This is assuming that he's never been verbally abusive towards you. If this is part of an overall pattern, then you'll need some professional intervention and will need to give serious consideration to what harm this man could do to you and to your children, if this behavior is allowed to continue. 

Please consider all advise given here to be worth exactly what you've paid for. We don't know you, your husband, or your situation. But from what you have shared ... you have the right to be hurt and outraged and to let your husband know in no uncertain terms that you will never, ever again tolerate such an outburst from him.


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## mergirl (Jun 20, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> If someone stabs me in the balls, they'd better be prepared to be called some unpleasant names.




Sure..but 'pregnant cow'? No. As i said, these words are loaded and are ment specifically to do the most damage where it hurts someone the most, not something said in anger. If you respect and love someone why would you want to hurt them as much as you could. Everyone fights and some generic bitch/asshole/dick etc can get thrown around because tempers are flared and people are angry. This didn't happen in this case. These were words designed to hurt the most, spoken while walking away. I consider that pretty disgusting, malicious and bullying.


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## BeautifulPoeticDisaster (Jun 20, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> The OP has children with this man, and she hasn't said whether it was an isolated incident or the latest in an established history of verbal abuse. I don't think it's wise advise to tell this stranger that she should leave the father of his children based on what has been shared here.
> 
> My husband has never been verbally cruel, but he has made serious mistakes that hurt me badly. I have hurt him as badly, I'm sure. But we're also mature, reasonable adults and we love each other. I've always known that when he's hurt me, it was unintentional and that he's truly sorry for causing me pain ... and most importantly, that the same mistake won't be made twice. OP, you need to make sure that your husband knows that he's hurt you, and that what he said to you will have a lasting impact on how you view the relationship. If he loves you, and he's a good man, he'll be genuinely sorry for hurting you, he'll offer some kind of explanation for why he made such a cruel and thoughtless remark, and will never do so again. This is assuming that he's never been verbally abusive towards you. If this is part of an overall pattern, then you'll need some professional intervention and will need to give serious consideration to what harm this man could do to you and to your children, if this behavior is allowed to continue.
> 
> Please consider all advise given here to be worth exactly what you've paid for. We don't know you, your husband, or your situation. But from what you have shared ... you have the right to be hurt and outraged and to let your husband know in no uncertain terms that you will never, ever again tolerate such an outburst from him.



All I said was, that I would leave.

She said in her original post that it was not something she was not meant to hear....and if someone who supposedly loved me really thought those things about me...I would leave. Children or not. Children do not fair any better in a dysfunctional environment than they do with single parents.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 20, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> The OP has children with this man, and she hasn't said whether it was an isolated incident or the latest in an established history of verbal abuse. I don't think it's wise advise to tell this stranger that she should leave the father of his children based on what has been shared here.
> 
> My husband has never been verbally cruel, but he has made serious mistakes that hurt me badly. I have hurt him as badly, I'm sure. But we're also mature, reasonable adults and we love each other. I've always known that when he's hurt me, it was unintentional and that he's truly sorry for causing me pain ... and most importantly, that the same mistake won't be made twice. OP, you need to make sure that your husband knows that he's hurt you, and that what he said to you will have a lasting impact on how you view the relationship. If he loves you, and he's a good man, he'll be genuinely sorry for hurting you, he'll offer some kind of explanation for why he made such a cruel and thoughtless remark, and will never do so again. This is assuming that he's never been verbally abusive towards you. If this is part of an overall pattern, then you'll need some professional intervention and will need to give serious consideration to what harm this man could do to you and to your children, if this behavior is allowed to continue.
> 
> Please consider all advise given here to be worth exactly what you've paid for. We don't know you, your husband, or your situation. But from what you have shared ... you have the right to be hurt and outraged and to let your husband know in no uncertain terms that you will never, ever again tolerate such an outburst from him.




Best.post.in.the.thread :bow:

I have mixed feelings reading this thread. I don't think someone calling you a name is worth a divorce over....hell, if that's the worst thing the guy has ever done to you after 8 years of actually being loving towards you....then you are lucky, IMO.

However, I also know about abusive relationships....and yeah....that name calling....it's not the start of something good. He definitely needs to be called on it....and he definitely needs to know that it's not okay or going to be tolerated.


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## wolfpersona (Jun 20, 2009)

mossystate said:


> And......it starts.



May I ask?...What Starts?...mossystate nice profile pic:happy:


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## thatgirl08 (Jun 20, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Because while it's unacceptable to call your partner names, a more complete knowledge of what might have led up to this could make it more understandable.



In short, I disagree.


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## itsbrookebaby_xo (Jun 20, 2009)

when my guy calls me names i tell him how it makes me feel & usually he regrets it because i am not nice about it. I dont call him names so what gives him the right to call me names?

tell him how you feel, if he has a heart he will apologize.


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## mossystate (Jun 20, 2009)

itsbrookebaby_xo said:


> when my guy calls me names i tell him how it makes me feel & usually he regrets it because i am not nice about it. I dont call him names so what gives him the right to call me names?
> 
> tell him how you feel, if he has a heart he will apologize.



So, if your guy keeps ' apologizing ', all is good? Most people...including small children, say they are sorry, when their targets say something. If the target is silent, they tend to say boo.



*star...yes...I just did not want to confuse him anymore than he is...no irony there


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## StarWitness (Jun 21, 2009)

wolfpersona said:


> May I ask?...What Starts?...mossystate nice profile pic:happy:



I'm going to feel like such a dumbass if you're making an ironic statement of some kind, but here goes:

You're using a really stressful and unfortunately situation to flirt with Clariposita, which completely lacks sensitivity and tact. You are far from the first person on these boards to show a lack of sensitivity and tact. I believe Mossystate was expressing dismay at this.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 21, 2009)

thatgirl08 said:


> Divorce can be a beautiful thing.


lengthened


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## BothGunsBlazing (Jun 21, 2009)

wolfpersona said:


> May I ask?...What Starts?...mossystate nice profile pic:happy:



did natasfan breed?


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## mossystate (Jun 21, 2009)

SHHHHHHHHHHH! I finally have an admirer.


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## wolfpersona (Jun 21, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> I'm going to feel like such a dumbass if you're making an ironic statement of some kind, but here goes:
> 
> You're using a really stressful and unfortunately situation to flirt with Clariposita, which completely lacks sensitivity and tact. You are far from the first person on these boards to show a lack of sensitivity and tact. I believe Mossystate was expressing dismay at this.


I didn't understand the severity. I don't understand how he could say something like that and actually mean it. I wasn't flirting with Clariposita. I was just trying to make here feel better. I shouldn't have posted that. Probably not an appropriate situation. Now i understand mossystate's post.


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## Friday (Jun 21, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> People talking about divorce need to get a fucking grip. A) You don't know the context of this argument, B) There are kids involved. Insulting your spouse is never acceptable, but to me this merits a long period of extreme contrition, not having your children taken away from you.



So in other words, you don't really give a shit about her feelings, you're only concerned that an emotionally abusive asshole not be hurt. Got news for you bippy, if he's self centered enough to hurt his wife like this he won't give a rats ass about hurting the kids either because this did and will continue to do so.


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## Fyreflyintheskye (Jun 21, 2009)

I have a few suggestions that may assist: 

You probably need some time to yourself to think this over. Have your husband take a night out with his friends.






I sometimes find that exercise like home remodeling helps me destress. Maybe working on a new project together could help you talk to him about how you feel.








Maybe send him out for a long walk instead?





Come to think of it, it is getting warmer out...





At the end of it all, make him a nice, home-cooked meal to demonstrate that you're ready to turn the other cheek and let bygones be bygones.


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## mergirl (Jun 21, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> I'm going to feel like such a dumbass if you're making an ironic statement of some kind, but here goes:
> 
> You're using a really stressful and unfortunately situation to flirt with Clariposita, which completely lacks sensitivity and tact. You are far from the first person on these boards to show a lack of sensitivity and tact. I believe Mossystate was expressing dismay at this.


A bit like the bi-sexuality thread when in the middle of a reasoned debate he talked about wanting to join in with two women! lmao..aww some people and their penis brains.  As he said though..i really dont think he ment any harm and thought he would be making the op feel better somehow.


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## mergirl (Jun 21, 2009)

BothGunsBlazing said:


> did natasfan breed?


hahahaha...Its funny cause its scary!


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## TraciJo67 (Jun 21, 2009)

itsbrookebaby_xo said:


> when my guy calls me names i tell him how it makes me feel & usually he regrets it because i am not nice about it. I dont call him names so what gives him the right to call me names?
> 
> tell him how you feel, if he has a heart he will apologize.



"when my guy calls me names" ... meaning, that it happens fairly regularly? That is a pattern of verbal abuse, and if he continues doing hurtful things ... no matter how nicely he apologizes, no matter how terrible he feels about it afterwards, whether he makes it up to you with flowers and chocolates and fantastic sex ... it's not something that he's likely going to change about himself. 

In a committed relationship where children are involved, I'd probably overlook just about anything once, with exception to some obvious red flag issues (physical abuse topping that list, followed very closely by verbal abuse). But then, prior to getting to that committed stage, I'd have noticed if there were any troubling issues and my tolerance level for any kind of crap at all would have been very low. 

If he's hurting you over and over again, he likely has very little incentive -- maybe even an inability -- to change. I'm sorry, itsbrookesbaby, but your situation doesn't sound at all like the OPs. OP did later clarify that this was an isolated incident in an otherwise happy marriage. Had she said that it happened regularly, I'd have advised her to take the kids and leave the abusive jerk at her earliest opportunity. "I'm sorry" gets someone a "get out of jail free" card ONCE, in my book. More than once means it's not an isolated incident -- it's a pattern of abuse.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 21, 2009)

Not trying to "pile on" Brooke here or anything.....she's just going to have to learn the hard way, I suspect. Just hope it doesn't take her as long to learn as I did........


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## MisterGuy (Jun 21, 2009)

mossystate said:


> It's not fun when the fatties talk back...is it. :happy:



Right, because I just want women to shut up, or something. You know, your default position of aggrieved quasi-feminist victimhood is so tiresomely repetitive it borders on parody. 

Anxiously awaiting some inane post interpreting this as a sexist attack.


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## itsbrookebaby_xo (Jun 21, 2009)

ok, obviously im not making myself clear because everyone thinks im in an abusive relationship. He has never hit me, not once. once in awhile when we get into heated arguements he calls me a hypocrite, or ignorant. hes never insulted the way i look. im in no way in an abusive relationship. everyone has their arguements, no relationship is perfect.


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## katherine22 (Jun 21, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Right, because I just want women to shut up, or something. You know, your default position of aggrieved quasi-feminist victimhood is so tiresomely repetitive it borders on parody.
> 
> Anxiously awaiting some inane post interpreting this as a sexist attack.



In this post you raised the seriousness of giving advice to dissolve a marriage on the basis of so little information, good point. However, your point was lost due to the tone of superiority emanating in your message. You can be the smartest person in the world, and if you write to people in a superior condescending manner whatever brilliant point you were making will be lost in the emotional fall out.


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## JenFromOC (Jun 21, 2009)

I love this thread...anyway, I'm not a feminist AT ALL. Everyone would be just as angry if a man had asked the same question. My advice (that would have been for either sex) was to ask a simple question, flip the f*ck out, and get a divorce. I don't think it was unreasonable and to be honest, I would have felt differently had the circumstances of the original post been different. Mainly, if you're going to call me a name, any name, please say it to my face. That way, we can argue effectively. What good is an insult if no one hears it?


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## mossystate (Jun 21, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Right, because I just want women to shut up, or something. You know, your default position of aggrieved quasi-feminist victimhood is so tiresomely repetitive it borders on parody.
> 
> Anxiously awaiting some inane post interpreting this as a sexist attack.




Did I hit a nerve?

Your user title...I was playing off that, MisterG. You know, your mentioning " quasi-feminist victimhood " is now kind of...interesting. I'll just let you chew on that...bon appetite. Gosh, please don't choke on it.


I will pretty much say what I want to say, so, get a fucking grip.


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 21, 2009)

MisterGuy said:


> Because while it's unacceptable to call your partner names, a more complete knowledge of what might have led up to this could make it more understandable. People say shitty things to each other when they're hurt, and although this is really really shitty, jumping to "divorce him, girl!" is ridiculous, esp. considering there are kids involved.
> 
> Really, it's ridiculous discussing this on an internet message board with strangers, but it's doubly so to, as a stranger, encourage this woman to break up her family over an episode of name-calling.





MisterGuy said:


> Bullshit to you and yours, as well.
> 
> 
> 
> If someone stabs me in the balls, they'd better be prepared to be called some unpleasant names.





MisterGuy said:


> Right, because I just want women to shut up, or something. You know, your default position of aggrieved quasi-feminist victimhood is so tiresomely repetitive it borders on parody.
> 
> Anxiously awaiting some inane post interpreting this as a sexist attack.





mossystate said:


> Did I hit a nerve?
> 
> Your user title...I was playing off that, MisterG. You know, your mentioning " quasi-feminist victimhood " is now kind of...interesting. I'll just let you chew on that...bon appetite. Gosh, please don't choke on it.
> 
> ...



MG, while I'd be proud to be identified as a feminist, "quasi" or otherwise, the notion that respect and consideration for a loved one is exclusive to the gender equality movement is almost as sad as it is absurd. Abusive behavior is seldom an isolated incident. Unfortunately a lot of women wait too long to concede it's a very hard (not to say impossible) pattern to break. You might want to consider that the women counseling a split are speaking from genuine concern and painful experience, not some knee-jerk political agenda?

If Mossy and some of the others seem a little strident for your tastes do you suppose it might be because they haven't felt heard when they take a more subtle tack? It's an important issue that deserves to be discussed. The ladies don't really need you (or me) to help them make their case but I'd say you're doing a fine job. JMO.


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## katherine22 (Jun 21, 2009)

Ernest Nagel said:


> MG, while I'd be proud to be identified as a feminist, "quasi" or otherwise, the notion that respect and consideration for a loved one is exclusive to the gender equality movement is almost as sad as it is absurd. Abusive behavior is seldom an isolated incident. Unfortunately a lot of women wait too long to concede it's a very hard (not to say impossible) pattern to break. You might want to consider that the women counseling a split are speaking from genuine concern and painful experience, not some knee-jerk political agenda?
> 
> If Mossy and some of the others seem a little strident for your tastes do you suppose it might be because they haven't felt heard when they take a more subtle tack? It's an important issue that deserves to be discussed. The ladies don't really need you (or me) to help them make their case but I'd say you're doing a fine job. JMO.




This entire thread is evidence of the decline of the educational system in the United States. Can no one make an argument civilly without resorting to nastiness in the guise of cleverness. So many threads become de-railed here out of someone's stupid self-indulgence , failure or inability to make a valid point to the subject at hand. When some people here cannot structure a coherent argument their response is to attack the person personally for having views that differ or resort to some incoherent post modernist bullshit usurped from some pop musical lyric or grade Z sci-fi film, and this is what passes for originality? I am wondering if there is any value in being on this site at all.


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 21, 2009)

katherine22 said:


> This entire thread is evidence of the decline of the educational system in the United States. Can no one make an argument civilly without resorting to nastiness in the guise of cleverness. So many threads become de-railed here out of someone's stupid self-indulgence , failure or inability to make a valid point to the subject at hand. When some people here cannot structure a coherent argument their response is to attack the person personally for having views that differ or resort to some incoherent post modernist bullshit usurped from some pop musical lyric or grade Z sci-fi film, and this is what passes for originality? I am wondering if there is any value in being on this site at all.



I'm not sure it's fair to indict the U.S. education system for the rise of "trash talk" Catherine? I've been around societies where there was almost no formal education to speak of and discourse among strangers was much more respectful. I've said before that I think the Internet itself, or the anonymity it provides, tends to erode civility. Even people capable of putting forth reasoned and effective arguments can succumb to the temptation of _ad hominem_ attacks. G-d know I certainly have.

Whether there's value to your being here I suppose depends on if you believe in the truth of this classic Margaret Mead quote "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

Of course I might just as easily have asked if you agree with this lesser known quote of hers "Because of their age-long training in human relations--for that is what feminine intuition really is, women have a special contribution to make to any group enterprise."

You're under no obligation to try and change things for the better, of course, but leaving forfeits the chance. For me anyway Size Acceptance is about choosing to respect what really matters, to value one another as human beings regardless of external or superficial characteristics. That's really very much what this thread boils down to, imo. If we can't learn to do that here, amongst ourselves, it seems pretty feeble to expect it of the thin-centric contemporary culture we exist in irl. :bow:


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 21, 2009)

itsbrookebaby_xo said:


> ok, obviously im not making myself clear because everyone thinks im in an abusive relationship. He has never hit me, not once. once in awhile when we get into heated arguements he calls me a hypocrite, or ignorant. hes never insulted the way i look. im in no way in an abusive relationship. everyone has their arguements, no relationship is perfect.



Hi Brooke 

Just would like to say something to you again...but in more detail this time.

1. I don't judge you in any way.

2. I'm not here to TELL you that you MUST be in abusive relationship because I don't know you and only YOU can really decide that part. 

3. Abuse...it's not just about hitting. I made the mistake of thinking that just because I wasn't beaten physically on a daily basis, that I was not in an abusive relationship. 


Don't take my word for it...as I said it's YOUR place to decide what your relationship is or isn't. I am going to post a list of signs of abuse. Don't know if they apply to you or not. You decide. 

You have said things about your relationship on these boards, not just in this thread, that don't make it sound like it's all peaches-n-cream so people worry about you and the baby you are having soon. 



> *Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships *​
> You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
> 
> *Is jealous or possessive toward you.
> ...



"A little more love" doesn't "fix" anyone. It just drains you.

Good luck to you and your little one


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## katherine22 (Jun 21, 2009)

Ernest Nagel said:


> I'm not sure it's fair to indict the U.S. education system for the rise of "trash talk" Catherine? I've been around societies where there was almost no formal education to speak of and discourse among strangers was much more respectful. I've said before that I think the Internet itself, or the anonymity it provides, tends to erode civility. Even people capable of putting forth reasoned and effective arguments can succumb to the temptation of _ad hominem_ attacks. G-d know I certainly have.
> 
> Whether there's value to your being here I suppose depends on if you believe in the truth of this classic Margaret Mead quote "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
> 
> ...



Good points - Scott. It is more than just the anonymity of the internet as some people can be anonymous and still value thought. The internet is the microcosm of the lack of civility in the whole culture. I feel like "A Clockwork Orange" has come to pass. Fat people are no more sensitive or civilized than any other group of people and that is what I found out here. When one has been the victim of discrimination there are two ways to go, have more compassion for others or descend into anger, bitterness and lack concern and a sense of reckless self-abandonment for the words that come out of one's mouth.


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 21, 2009)

katherine22 said:


> Good points - Scott. It is more than just the anonymity of the internet as some people can be anonymous and still value thought. The internet is the microcosm of the lack of civility in the whole culture. I feel like "A Clockwork Orange" has come to pass. *Fat people are no more sensitive or civilized than any other group of people and that is what I found out here. * When one has been the victim of discrimination there are two ways to go, have more compassion for others or descend into anger, bitterness and lack concern and a sense of reckless self-abandonment for the words that come out of one's mouth.



Good points back atcha, Catherine. I'd sadly concur with your statement in bold above. Nonetheless whatever we are now has no hold on what we can be unless we let it. Major societal changes often begin among the lowest ranked, least valued members. Unless I'm willing to at least try to lead by example I relinquish my right to complain. JMO. :bow:


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## TraciJo67 (Jun 21, 2009)

itsbrookebaby_xo said:


> ok, obviously im not making myself clear because everyone thinks im in an abusive relationship. He has never hit me, not once. once in awhile when we get into heated arguements he calls me a hypocrite, or ignorant. hes never insulted the way i look. im in no way in an abusive relationship. everyone has their arguements, no relationship is perfect.



itsbrookebaby, I don't know that you are in an abusive relationship. A pattern of name-calling doesn't sound good, but I don't know you, or your boyfriend. I will say, though, that being called ignorant or a hypocrite doesn't sound any more pleasant to hear than pregnant cow or f*cking b*tch. I can't imagine that it makes you feel good to be called these names, and I don't understand why someone who professes to love you would say things that he knows will hurt you. And, as GEF said, abuse isn't just physical. I think that verbal abuse can be just as harmful to one's psyche. Please understand, I'm not trying to TELL you anything, or set myself above you as some kind of expert, or box you into a corner & make you feel bad about your relationship. My only hope in writing this is that you stop and think about whether you are getting what you need from your relationship. I spent my childhood watching my parents snipe at each other, call each other horrific names, undercut and demean each other, and use their children as pawns to hurt each other (and us) terribly. As a result, I grew into a woman who is overly sensitive to any kind of criticism, and for many years, I was unable to tolerate any expression of anger from people who mattered to me. I've never been in an abusive relationship -- watching my parents hurt each other cured me of that -- but I've had my own demons to battle; part of which was allowing myself and my husband/friends/family members to be who they are without first running their every emotion through a sanitizer. I'm still working on that. So although I've never been in an abusive relationship, I've experienced one -- my parents' .... and it shaped who I am today. My father didn't hit my mother, and she verbally gave as good as she got. It was a terrible environment to grow up in. I never felt safe. And I've watched myself, and some of my adult siblings, make horrific mistakes because of our inability to grow beyond it. Fortunately, most of us have. Some didn't. One of the saddest events in my life has been to watch some of them make the same mistakes that my parents did. Some of them have gone to prison. One died after spending years on the streets as a chemically dependent, mentally ill homeless person. The only person that I could actually save was myself. Now that I have a son, I feel that I have the chance to do things right - to provide him with a stable, loving home and the example of parents who love him, and each other, very much.


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## mossystate (Jun 21, 2009)

I am wondering if some of the dislike is for the way something is said. If I call someone an asshole...and I use that language, is it really any different from someone using five dollar words to convery the same thought? I am quite adept, and have the intelligence, to read between the flourishes and ' maturity ' that is sometimes passed off as being civilized. Also, I would suggest that it is a good thing that fat people are like everybody else. WE can be as wonderful...as pompous...as mean...as funny...as stupid, as anybody else.


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 21, 2009)

mossystate said:


> I am wondering if some of the dislike is for the way something is said. If I call someone an asshole...and I use that language, is it really any different from someone using five dollar words to convey the same thought? I am quite adept, and have the intelligence, to read between the flourishes and ' maturity ' that is sometimes passed off as being civilized. Also, I would suggest that it is a good thing that fat people are like everybody else. WE can be as wonderful...as pompous...as mean...as funny...as stupid, as anybody else.



Monique, I'd agree that respect is pretty evident regardless of language. I'd differ as to whether any group that can't take at least a neutral level of respect for granted is quite exactly "like everybody else". It's a little like saying blacks, gays or women are "like everybody else", isn't it? When you have to fight for something you tend to value it more than those who don't. That doesn't mean better or worse, just not the same. As you well know sensitivity is not my forte but I understand well enough that being the odd man out, being always on the outside looking in does tend to shape us differently. JMO. :bow:


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## itsbrookebaby_xo (Jun 21, 2009)

i never said that it happens on a daily basis. i said WHEN he does this is what happens. i understand that abuse isnt just phsyical. but i am in no way being abused, my man treats me well and does love me. i dont doubt that. you dont know my situation, so just take my word for it. i am happy


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## wolfpersona (Jun 21, 2009)

mergirl said:


> A bit like the bi-sexuality thread when in the middle of a reasoned debate he talked about wanting to join in with two women! lmao..aww some people and their penis brains.  As he said though..i really dont think he ment any harm and thought he would be making the op feel better somehow.



Just who are you calling penis brain. Its all good.


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## wrestlingguy (Jun 21, 2009)

Just wondering that as the chips on everyone's shoulders are getting heavier, has anyone noticed that the OP has not returned except to clarify her original post.

I think she got her answer.


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## tonynyc (Jun 21, 2009)

wrestlingguy said:


> Just wondering that as the chips on everyone's shoulders are getting heavier, has anyone noticed that the OP has not returned except to clarify her original post.
> 
> I think she got her answer.



*Or got scared away - we got a fiesty bunch here- we need Hyde Park back or at least a 'Dims Fight Club/Battle Royale' *


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## mossystate (Jun 22, 2009)

It's always best to not contribute anything for the OP of a thread, but, instead, just come in to scold. What was that about chips? Come on. Threads are fluid things, and I am betting we all...all...have participated when a discussion makes the normal twists and turns.


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## Famouslastwords (Jun 22, 2009)

BothGunsBlazing said:


> Tell him that he doesn't have to worry that you're a "pregnant cow" because the kid isn't his anyway.



It's ice cream's baby!


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