# Anyone in similar situations?



## Fat Molly (Aug 26, 2010)

My poor ex. I don't know what to do about him.

Tries to please me so much. When I 'came out' with him about my preference, he tried to understand. But just...didn't. And he humored me, and when we were alone he'd try to...well, arouse me...by fat-talk. 

But no matter what he ended up saying, it wasn't really the sort of description that I was totally looking for. Still, he was trying so desperately that I didn't want to crush him and say 'hey, this wasn't really what I was looking for...try these?' and give him a lexicon of words to go with the criticism. Maybe a bad decision on my part, but hey, we weren't even sexually active. Just fooling around. 

He also would inhale a ton and then exhale a ton, thus reducing his mass for a few seconds and inflating it for a few seconds. It...was somewhat alarming. 

Unfortunately, this month we are no longer together (for myriad reasons that are irrelevant to this issue) and we're still friends. Who like each other immensely. 

But while we are in a position of...not-togetherness...he thinks it will please me to do things like that thing with his stomach, and occasional bouts of fat-talk. 

Which, it doesn't. 

I'm passively looking for a new relationship (with a BHM of course) and it just...well, I can't explain the feeling I get. I haven't pinpointed it. 

Anyone have a similar experience? I suppose mine overlaps many possible similar scenarios.

Have you ever...
1. been in a relationship where after you come clean with a person about your fat fetish and eventually break up, but your fetish has left some residue on their psyche?

2. been in a relationship that ended and the ex still tried to turn you on...e.g. flirting to excess?

3. been in a relationship where the person simply does not understand the fetish(es) you have, and completely misinterprets them and thinks they're totally hitting the nail on the head but they really are far from the mark?


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## Cors (Aug 26, 2010)

I can relate, though I don't consider my preference for fat partners a fetish and tend to have more issues with exes not quite getting my interest in BDSM. 



Fat Molly said:


> Have you ever...
> 1. been in a relationship where after you come clean with a person about your fat fetish and eventually break up, but your fetish has left some residue on their psyche?



Yes. I think that when you introduce a partner to something new, there is a good chance that it will stick around in their heads long after you are gone, for better or worse. 



> 2. been in a relationship that ended and the ex still tried to turn you on...e.g. flirting to excess?



Yes. I am good friends with most of my exes and talk to them regularly. It often comes up when they are feeling particularly needy or just deprived of sexual attention. That rarely works though; no matter how great the relationship was and how hot the sex was, the person is an ex for a reason so I tend to get annoyed when they try to push my buttons. Though, I must say that I have been guilty of the same on a few occasions. 



> 3. been in a relationship where the person simply does not understand the fetish(es) you have, and completely misinterprets them and thinks they're totally hitting the nail on the head but they really are far from the mark?



Another resounding yes, though it didn't have anything to do with fat or size. There are so many ways of expressing a fetish or enjoying a sexual activity that even if you do manage to find someone shares a certain fetish, there is no guarantee that you want the exact same thing or that you will even reach an enjoyable compromise. I had a couple of exes try to act submissive to please me and while I appreciated the effort, they were so far off the mark (plus I think that it is something you either have or don't, no amount of faking will work) and it just got awkward and painful towards the end. Most of the time if it is not something they are genuinely getting off on, I'd rather go without. If we just so happen to like different variants of the same thing then I will probably acquiesce once in a while.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 26, 2010)

Good perspective, thanks. Reply more detailed when I have time. Others who want to share?


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## Jon Blaze (Aug 26, 2010)

1. Maybe not in a negative sense, but "Oh that's odd" kind of thing. I had one while I was in high school whom thought there were only guys that liked thin women and feeders. When she met me and realized that I just liked her the way she is, it sort of confused her a bit. Issues unrelated to this were the reason we broke up, but it still opened her eyes up a bit.

On the other hand, I did turn down a thinner friend at the time. I didn't turn her down because of her size, but because the other girl and I were already talking and interesting in dating. She simply asked me on the fly. 
She took it as if I did, and thought it was weird, told many people at school (No worries: I was out of the closet by then), and tried to make it something really negative.

2. No, but one tried desperately get back with me. She even said she would lose weight for me (As did another girl), which was incredibly disheartening. So still not technically yes, but sad in the end. 

3. Fortunately for now I haven't, but things have gotten rocky here and there. I've had mixed responses from women that at times I've been interested in dating or just getting closer. Sometimes it's because of my preferences, and other times it's because of how I express it (I.e. Some have found the idea of an online forum about it weird).


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## Amaranthine (Aug 26, 2010)

Fat Molly said:


> Have you ever...
> 1. been in a relationship where after you come clean with a person about your fat fetish and eventually break up, but your fetish has left some residue on their psyche?
> 
> 2. been in a relationship that ended and the ex still tried to turn you on...e.g. flirting to excess?
> ...



1. I've come clean about it with two of my boyfriends. One just kind of teased me for it, but felt totally inadequate because HE KNEW he could never fulfill it (epic metabolism.) We broke up eventually- but after that I felt pretty self conscious about it. The other one, I'll address later.

2. Nope- out of my two ended relationships, I've ended them both. Well, my first boyfriend is gay now- so we're just best friends. My second one, I'm also friends with but I don't have any feelings for him. And he doesn't flirt- we're just good friends.

3. The first relationship where I revealed it, he never tried to satisfy it. Now, in my current relationship, I confessed and he made me feel like it was totally okay. He's looked up some stuff about my preferences on sites like here, and asked me personally. And, he's actually very good at it. For someone who isn't interested it in very much himself, he's willing to do A LOT. And, as for imprinting on their psyche, some of my actions have pretty much been conditioned into him so that he really enjoys them. And he's quite good at fat talk :blush: He used to not get it quite so much, but because of him, I can be VERY open about it. The boundaries are set, but I'm pretty indulged.


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## The Orange Mage (Aug 26, 2010)

I can say I've been in a similar position. Basically the other person simply didn't "get it." Even though she wanted to indulge my happy-fun-times fat fantasies it was just alien to her and I could tell she wasn't doing it because she herself wanted it, which made it way less effective.

A lot of FAs and FFAs who are "inexperienced" tend to learn the hard way that even though there are lot of fatties, and a lot of fatties who love their bodies, that even then it can be hard to find whose sexuality matches yours in terms of how much fat plays into things.


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## Tad (Aug 26, 2010)

To add, I think that 'not getting it' can happen with a lot of interests/twists/kinks/fetishes. I know my wife has some itches that I've never been able to scratch properly, along that line of just not getting it, so not doing it in a satisfying way. I suspect that is actually rather common amongst couples, because it is not the sort of thing people tend to talk about early in relationships (maybe more nowadays?), and often it isn't something that people even fully understand themselves.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 27, 2010)

Thanks for all the perspectives. I think I will just be passive about the situation for now...though he's trying to get us back together, and I'm not sure that I'm up for it. Any suggestions on that front, though it's more of a general relationship question rather than a particular fat-based one.


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## nico7_uk (Aug 27, 2010)

I realte totally, I'm in an otherwise lovely relationship, and have come clean about my fetishes (feedee/occasionally feeder) Our sex life has been a little off the boil and she is really upset about it. Bless her she even wants to join these sites and understand and help make things better...but to be honest this makes me feel awful! I feel like I'm forcing her into my way of thinking, even if this is through having been open and her just doing whatever she can to please. In a way I feel like I should set her free..on the other side of the coin we get on so well and there's certainl a mutual attraction. 

I dont mean to moan about life and my predilictions, but I find it very hard to let someone else suffer over them. I also am aware that to follow my desires would probably make me a little unhappy ( I like being active and yes Im big but not anywhere near unable to do the things I love - surfing and such like) so to really go for it with a feeder would kind of eat away at my self-worth) although the fantasies border on obsession and Im drawn as a moth to a flame to FFAs and feeders, even sometimes feedees. Rock and a hard place in the real world..but in my private life sites like this, the stories, and the chance to live it out take so much of my sexual energy that Im starting to feel inherently unable to do relationships and realise the love we all need..I find it very hard to engage sexually with someone more vanilla.

This comes after years of beating myself up about all this, many many failed relationships due to it, and years of losing myself in buddhist retreats and self-work to try and overcome the problems..so do I live it out, or kee trying to beat it and having a less tainted kind of love? Sorry to put a downer on what I know gives people here pleasure - it does me too but sometimes real life casts a shadow on it. Forgive my six am brain vomit but in a way I would be crazy to lose her over this (as has happened so many times before!) I iwsh I could just be ahppy about it all like the characters in the stories but I guess Im prone to analysis and conscience, and a desire to be a good partner.

ANyway glad to have a place to talk about it...much respect to you all x


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## Dromond (Aug 27, 2010)

*scratches chin*

This sounds like research rather than a dilemma. But I'll bite anyway.

First, I don't have a fetish, I have a preference. Second, I've never made a secret of my preferences, so there has never been a need for me to "come out."


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## Fat Molly (Aug 27, 2010)

Dromond said:


> *scratches chin*
> 
> This sounds like research rather than a dilemma. But I'll bite anyway.
> 
> First, I don't have a fetish, I have a preference. Second, I've never made a secret of my preferences, so there has never been a need for me to "come out."



Grahhhhh. CastingPearls just kinda brought up on another one of my threads that my means of posing questions sounds like 'research'. I just like lists.

I am a philosophy student. Not a psych student or someone doing fetish studies or anything like that. I suppose there is a distinction between what is a 'fetish' and what is a 'preference'...if I were studying this for school or some other scientific 'research', I would have figured this out before now!

And anyway, if I were to do research on fat for school, then it'd be more in the realm of literature...which would probably mean that I wouldn't be asking these sorts of questions. 

In any case, I do still see my situation as somewhat of a dilemma. The issue is less, now, the sexual/fat issue, but more the romantic one. 

What really hurts is that I've been a lurker for months and now that I've just recently decided to come out and admit my attraction, I'm being rejected by this community, for whatever reason, which gets the wrong kind of vibe from me.

Maybe I just don't fit the mold that is most amenable to this sort of forum. But I just got to say it, over and over. It hurts. It HURTS.


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## Dromond (Aug 27, 2010)

I apologize for mistaking your intentions, truly. Sometimes we forget that each one of us was a newbie once. Also, it's harder to communicate online because verbal and somatic cues are missing from the printed word. Misunderstandings are more common.

Again, my apologies.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 27, 2010)

That's a very true thing. I'm a lot less standoffish and formal in person than I am on paper. 

I accept the apology, though it's not just you...I've just been feeling resistance ever since I got the motivation to write on the forum all the questions (that I wrote down elsewhere in notes to myself) that I've been asking of myself for a long time. 

I suppose my approach does come across as 'reasearch'-ish. But then again, I was doing 'research'...though very, very personal research. Nobody who knows me knows that I have this obsession, save two people. Especially because I try to be extremely prudish and because I am in a very devout circle of Christian friends. My inner self is contrasting deeply with my outer persona, and I'm trying to reach a state of balance. And it's driving me crazy. There's forcing the thoughts out of one's mind...and then there's the issue of them coming back, darker, stronger, and more virile with every submergence into the fatosphere. 

If that isn't convincing to people of my genuinity, then I will be deeply saddend. I'm really just an awkward college student trying to make sense of things.


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## Amaranthine (Aug 27, 2010)

Fat Molly said:


> Grahhhhh. CastingPearls just kinda brought up on another one of my threads that my means of posing questions sounds like 'research'. I just like lists.
> 
> I am a philosophy student. Not a psych student or someone doing fetish studies or anything like that. I suppose there is a distinction between what is a 'fetish' and what is a 'preference'...if I were studying this for school or some other scientific 'research', I would have figured this out before now!
> 
> ...



Hey- anyone who's a philosophy student is good with me :happy:
I'm sorry you don't feel welcome- I suppose your intense inquisitiveness is a bit unusual- but I definitely like the opportunity to think about something. Especially topics like this- it's of personal interest to a large degree, so if you'd like to talk one-on-one about it, it's good with me =] And, just to clarify...(as I said, it's of personal interest)

There is a pretty big difference between "fetish" and "preference." Technically, a fetish is a subset of a paraphilia. It's diagnosable as a psychological condition because they do tend to have behavioral trademarks that are identifiable. Fetishes can actually interfere with daily life because of their prominence. Typically, a fetishist can only be sexually gratified by thinking about/engaging in their fetish. 

A preference is just a preference- it's something you like. 

As for odd preferences, that aren't sexually traditional- like feet per say, people still call them fetishes just because it's convenient. In that case, it can be optional, preferred, or exclusive. With optional- it's just an alternative thing you can use to be aroused. With preferred...it's your preferred method to be aroused. With exclusive- that's a genuine fetish; it's your only way to get aroused.


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## CastingPearls (Aug 27, 2010)

Molly, no one has rejected you, in fact, several people have honestly responded to your series of threads across the boards.

Dimensions is frequently mentioned in the media and often not in a good light. It is the largest BBW/FA site on the internet and gets a lot of attention, so more than a few of us are suspicious when individuals appear on the scene and start peppering the boards with questionnaires and then replies to the responses as if they're checking off notes on a clipboard.

I don't know you personally, have no doubt your friends know you aren't cold as mentioned in your response to me, and Dromond was right insomuch as tone can be lost online. We all come here for different reasons and all have different approaches. Why you would consider yourself rejected over one question about your motive and one comment here on this thread is mystifying and IMO overly sensitive.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 27, 2010)

Thank you to you both...I don't mean to cause a stir. I rather hoped I could slip gracefully into the scene of Dimensions, but I seem to have panicked and tumbled on the diving-board. I do hope that now I've splashed into the pool, things might work out better.

I daresay I am quite nervous about entering this community, too...hence my somewhat hysterical reaction when I felt I was being regarded as a fraud of the cruelest sort. I'm no Ellsworth Toohey. 

But again, thanks for consoling me. I appreciate the welcome.



Amaranthine said:


> There is a pretty big difference between "fetish" and "preference." Technically, a fetish is a subset of a paraphilia. It's diagnosable as a psychological condition because they do tend to have behavioral trademarks that are identifiable. Fetishes can actually interfere with daily life because of their prominence. Typically, a fetishist can only be sexually gratified by thinking about/engaging in their fetish.
> 
> A preference is just a preference- it's something you like.
> 
> As for odd preferences, that aren't sexually traditional- like feet per say, people still call them fetishes just because it's convenient. In that case, it can be optional, preferred, or exclusive. With optional- it's just an alternative thing you can use to be aroused. With preferred...it's your preferred method to be aroused. With exclusive- that's a genuine fetish; it's your only way to get aroused.



Okay, now that's something I would have known if I were a researcher. As it is, I didn't know that. Thanks for a concise explanation.


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## Tad (Aug 27, 2010)

Fat Molly said:


> There's forcing the thoughts out of one's mind...and then there's the issue of them coming back, darker, stronger, and more virile with every submergence into the fatosphere.



For me it is maybe the opposite? Probably the biggest reason I'm still on Dimensions, after being around here for over a dozen years is that I find the thoughts are easier to deal with when I have an outlet for them. I've taken breaks, but I find that when I don't have an outlet for all my 'fat thoughts' it is like putting a dam across a stream, it stops the flow for a while, but things build up and find other outlets, not always where I'd want them. So for me, Dimensions is like a nice, controlled, sluice gate that keeps them down to a safe and controllable level.


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## frankman (Aug 27, 2010)

Fat Molly said:


> My poor ex. I don't know what to do about him.
> 
> Tries to please me so much. When I 'came out' with him about my preference, he tried to understand. But just...didn't. And he humored me, and when we were alone he'd try to...well, arouse me...by fat-talk.
> 
> ...



Try (and I know this is going to sound really odd, but bear with me here) _telling him_.



> I'm passively looking for a new relationship (with a BHM of course)



Of course



> and it just...well, I can't explain the feeling I get. I haven't pinpointed it.
> 
> Anyone have a similar experience? I suppose mine overlaps many possible similar scenarios.
> 
> ...



But of course. They're called FA skidmarks. They wash off easily though.



> 2. been in a relationship that ended and the ex still tried to turn you on...e.g. flirting to excess?
> 
> 3. been in a relationship where the person simply does not understand the fetish(es) you have, and completely misinterprets them and thinks they're totally hitting the nail on the head but they really are far from the mark?



I don't know, you tell me: do you think anyone has ever been in a relationship where there was a misunderstanding that caused the relationship to fail and one of the partners wanted to get back with the other? It sounds alien, something only seen in movies. Lingering relationship trouble in _real life_? Such a strange notion...


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## Fat Molly (Aug 28, 2010)

*sigh* Your points are quite valid, and taken, Frankman. 

Though everything does seem much more complicated on my end. Maybe it's because I'm young and naive and crap, maybe it's because I'm a pessimist, maybe it's because...who knows.


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## frankman (Aug 28, 2010)

Fat Molly said:


> *sigh* Your points are quite valid, and taken, Frankman.
> 
> Though everything does seem much more complicated on my end. Maybe it's because I'm young and naive and crap, maybe it's because I'm a pessimist, maybe it's because...who knows.



I never said it wasn't hard or scary. Just that it's the only real solution.

And come on, cheer up; it's not the end of the world as we know it. It's a relationship fail - they suck, but they happen.


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