# Why is it SO difficult?



## sarahe543 (Oct 12, 2012)

Men tell me, or other women tell me your experience. SHow interest in cuddly men and they have to come out with all the usual crap about 'oh but i am trying to lose weight blah blah. like you would have bothered looking at them in the first place. Even the admittedly gorgeous guy i last dated was a bit self conscious to begin with and the what i guess may be normal trying not to eat much around me, sucking the belly in (pointless task LOL). in reality once he let down these defences he was admitting to eating stupidly large amouts of food (kind of obvious dear!) and carried himself in such a way that only someone confident in themself physically would do. 
Initially it seems to weird men out that you want a proper cuddle. But of course it is the whole package cute face and sense of fun and brains, even meeting someone with all this, is it societal pressure? this is where women were at years ago, about time society caught up with accepting larger men more too.
rant over.


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## Tad (Oct 12, 2012)

1) Aside from places like this, I don't think society has moved on from putting larger women into this sort of place, really. (that was with regard to your last comment)

2) With regard to your general point, when for years and years you've associated shame and embarrassment, or at least that you are supposed to display shame and embarrassment, with a feature (be it belly, moobs, general fatness, or whatever), it pretty much becomes a pavlovian reflex, but instead of ringing the bell and the dog starting to salivate it is bring attention to one's size and they have to apologize for it/promise to do something about, bring attention to the belly and they suck it in, and so on.

Even if for the most part they are pretty good with how they are, this sort of habit/reflex/training won't go away in a hurry.


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## Sasquatch! (Oct 12, 2012)

One person can't undo or compensate for the way an entire world treats someone.


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## MrBob (Oct 12, 2012)

Hard question....I stopped caring about what people think a long time ago. Too much effort really. Is the world different now? I think there's a bit more fat acceptance in general but some fat people are still pyschologically scarred by some reactions to them.

As for losing weight I decided to lose some weight recently, not through any self-loathing or pressure from others but because I'd seen two people die recently with weight or diabetes being a mitigating factor and I've no intention on checking out early. It's going well, I'm still big but I'm reducing my risk of developing something like diabetes.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 13, 2012)

Sasquatch! said:


> One person can't undo or compensate for the way an entire world treats someone.


I couldn't rep you so I'm reposting for emphasis.


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## HDANGEL15 (Oct 13, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> I couldn't rep you so I'm reposting for emphasis.


*
I can't rep SASSY....but so true!!!! *


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## BLK360 (Oct 22, 2012)

Couldn't agree more with Sassy's comment. It's taken years, but I'm at the point where I'm confident and able to pursue women I like regardless of how others view me. But some things never go away, I still don't particularly look at my size as a good thing, damn societal brainwashing.


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## misstheoldme (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm sorry if this isn't the right thread to ask this on but........

Can you please tell me how you learned to accept (like?) yourself/your body while being very large? I'm 5'6" and weigh about 317lbs and am NOT comfortable in my own skin. I've tried so many different things so many times to lose weight (I'm even contemplating gastric bypass) and I just don't see lasting results.....but I honestly don't know how to just accept that this is how I am and how I'm going to be. Any insight/suggesting would be gratefully accepted.

Thank you.


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## Sasquatch! (Jan 7, 2013)

misstheoldme said:


> I'm sorry if this isn't the right thread to ask this on but........
> 
> Can you please tell me how you learned to accept (like?) yourself/your body while being very large? I'm 5'6" and weigh about 317lbs and am NOT comfortable in my own skin. I've tried so many different things so many times to lose weight (I'm even contemplating gastric bypass) and I just don't see lasting results.....but I honestly don't know how to just accept that this is how I am and how I'm going to be. Any insight/suggesting would be gratefully accepted.
> 
> Thank you.



It might help to think about *why* you're not comfortable in your own skin. Is it down to your health? Is it for internal, personal reasons? Is it down to pressures from others?


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## MrBob (Jan 7, 2013)

I put it down to having really cool friends and the realisation that if they were not botherd by my weight, why should I be?


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## Tad (Jan 7, 2013)

Misstheoldme, right from your name it is pretty clear that you aren't happy with the new you. And then in your post you outline the past however many years as being a succession of failures to get back to what you want to be. From that vantage point....I don't think you do come to accept or like where you are now.

Until and unless you re-frame how you look at things, I think by default you are stuck in a mode of regret.

Now, if you were in a head space where you could write something more like:

"Hi, this is TheNewMe. I'm still trying to figure out how best to have an awesome time as the new me, but my goal is to move forward with the motto: "New me, new adventures!" But I could probably use some help living up to the motto.

One thing that I've learned for sure over the past few years is that there is no going back to the old me. He was a great guy and all, but it's pretty clear now that he's retired in favour of the new me. I've learned a lot about what I can drive myself to do and what I can't, and what my body will tolerate, so that is a good take away, and I plan to use it make the new me as healthy and lively as can be, no matter what anyone else might think when they see a 5'6", 317 pound, guy.

Anyone have suggestions on how I can really embrace life as TheNewMe? How I can look great, adventures that you might not expect a fat guy to go on but that I could go after? For that matter where to meet people who would help cheer on the new me, instead of sneering on me?"

Then I'd think you'd have a good chance of arriving at a point of accepting yourself. But to get there I suspect you'd have to give up a lot of existing beliefs, judgements, and yardsticks in your head, that already measure yourself and give you a failing grade. Trying to change how we look out at the world is uncomfortable, disturbing, very difficult, and not something that many people are willing to do.

So in the end I think it comes down to: Are you willing to put in the mental/emotional work change how you look out at the world? Its a dirty job, and it is up to you if you'll do it.


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## PandaGeek (Jan 12, 2013)

Honestly, I still have trouble with being a big man sometimes. I was very uncomfortable about how I looked growing up and I was depressed all of the time. But then I met a woman who loved me as a big man, made me feel confident, and from that I grew to accept who I was. I walked taller and at times reveled in being a big man. I started noticing the affect my very presence in a room could have on people. I still notice the harsh looks from people, its not like there aren't hard parts, and admittedly in the long run it didn't work out with the woman, but the confidence I've managed to keep and I'm more comfortable with myself as a result of it.

- Chris


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## jigenbakuda (Jan 13, 2013)

I know for me, its my feelings about myself that I project onto everyone else. I hate my thighs today, I assume every girl looked away from me because of my thighs. I don't always have days like that, but you get my drift.

But you mentioned coming on to bhm and them no being receptive. I can not imagine that. If you say to me you think I'm cute, I'm in all out flirt mode. Tossing compliments, feeling your hair, trying to perv you, quoting every charming lyric I can remember, etc...

Hell if you like my belly, I encourage you to give it a tongue massage to relieve my uptight, lol. But at the same time, if I want a smaller belly, I will be personally working towards that goal. So as you can my answer is all over the place 

I'm pretty sure I didn't even answer your question op, lol.


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## BigJohn23 (Jan 14, 2013)

sarahe543 said:


> Men tell me, or other women tell me your experience. SHow interest in cuddly men and they have to come out with all the usual crap about 'oh but i am trying to lose weight blah blah. like you would have bothered looking at them in the first place. Even the admittedly gorgeous guy i last dated was a bit self conscious to begin with and the what i guess may be normal trying not to eat much around me, sucking the belly in (pointless task LOL). in reality once he let down these defences he was admitting to eating stupidly large amouts of food (kind of obvious dear!) and carried himself in such a way that only someone confident in themself physically would do.
> Initially it seems to weird men out that you want a proper cuddle. But of course it is the whole package cute face and sense of fun and brains, even meeting someone with all this, is it societal pressure? this is where women were at years ago, about time society caught up with accepting larger men more too.
> rant over.


Nice rant & I will eat all I can in front of a girl & I love a proper cuddle Some people are to worried about what others think, I dont care what anyone thinks lol


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## Shinobi_Hime-Sama (Jan 19, 2013)

I am not fat though the inaccurate BMI counters would say I am. My pic that is in my profile was taken about a year and half ago and not much has changed since then. I see the same shame and discomfort about weight in my boyfriend and even though he's not that big he still feels he has to hate being fat. It's very hard for me to see him so miserable, I constantly tell him I like the way he is, he says he knows that but honestly I'm not sure he really believes it. He blames drinking pop for his fat, and perhaps he's right. I just keep telling him I love him the way he is but it's not the be all and end all for me, there's so much more to him than that.


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## ODFFA (Jan 19, 2013)

I had the same experience with my ex, though I think to a slightly lesser degree. It was also hard for him to believe that I was happy with the way he looked. I will say though, I started saying that I was not only accepting of, and satisfied with his body, but very _attracted_ to him in different ways. For us that started making a really positive difference and I wish I'd done that much sooner in our relationship.

I agree with what some of the guys have said though. It takes time to accept and get used to a totally different reality than the one you've always known and believed - even if the new reality is an affirming, positive one.



Shinobi_Hime-Sama said:


> ...I love him the way he is but it's not the be all and end all for me, there's so much more to him than that.



But this right here, this is sooo important :bow: He's a lucky guy.


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## Shinobi_Hime-Sama (Jan 20, 2013)

Thanks.  He is what I've been looking for for so long and I hope one day that he can like his body as much as I do.:wubu:


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## melinda333 (Jan 20, 2013)

I don't demand anyone to be completly confident, due to our society values in certain looks. I'm not always 100% myself. It's actually rewarding when he finally opens up...


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## doe135 (Feb 15, 2013)

sarahe543 said:


> Men tell me, or other women tell me your experience. SHow interest in cuddly men and they have to come out with all the usual crap about 'oh but i am trying to lose weight blah blah. like you would have bothered looking at them in the first place. Even the admittedly gorgeous guy i last dated was a bit self conscious to begin with and the what i guess may be normal trying not to eat much around me, sucking the belly in (pointless task LOL). in reality once he let down these defences he was admitting to eating stupidly large amouts of food (kind of obvious dear!) and carried himself in such a way that only someone confident in themself physically would do.
> Initially it seems to weird men out that you want a proper cuddle. But of course it is the whole package cute face and sense of fun and brains, even meeting someone with all this, is it societal pressure? this is where women were at years ago, about time society caught up with accepting larger men more too.
> rant over.




A bit late, sorry  I love being fat and don't give a shit what others think so I'm comfortable as that. On the other hand I adore bbws, most often they wan to diet.. . goes both ways guess :/


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## Wanderer (Mar 22, 2013)

Heh... I'm something of an exception.  I do blush when someone calls me fat, but it's because I don't think I'm big enough to deserve the title yet. After all, I'm only 260 pounds (recent weigh-in) at 5'10". Maybe when I hit 300 I'll feel properly fat, but not yet.

You should have seen me at age 10. At over 200 pounds, I was the most active blob of blubber you've ever seen.  The fence behind our house was never the same after I climbed over it... and I enjoyed being able to pop my pants open by sitting down and taking a breath. So loving my widening waistline is nothing new for me.

Now if I can just get together with an FFA so we can make beautiful Calories together...


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