# Drug addiction



## Britannia (Jan 21, 2008)

Has anybody dealt with it, first hand? Has anybody found a successful method of recovery, not the 12 steps or psychotherapy methods? But their own, individual methods?

I'm not sure how much detail is apropos to go into here on this forum, but I just really need some help. I'm starting to realize that drugs have taken over me, and I no longer have complete control over my urges and cravings. It's very scary, and I want help, but I'm too scared to seek professional treatment because not only would my family's image of me as their perfect girl be shattered, but also because I went through 3 years of intensive therapy, in a lockdown facility, to deal with this very addiction and I am apprehensive of going through any sort of therapy, now.

But it's much worse than before. I went clean for 18 days, and tonight I have just gone crazy. I've gone through more of it than I ever have before in such a small amount of time, and now I'm getting a huge reality check, even though I'm high, which is really weird... but still... I'm realizing that this is a serious problem, and I really need to talk to somebody who's been through this, or has wisdom, not some asshole who sits in a chair and profits off of my problems.


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## Obesus (Jan 21, 2008)

Heroin, Crack and then Valium for the better part of a decade....I went through a zillion group therapy and medical detox programs and the only thing that actually worked was Therapeutic Community, pretty much on the Synanon model...restructuring the whole pattern of life with genuine behavior modification reinforced by the whole community...I spent two years in outpatient TC treatment while I was working, went to work for the program while I was still in treatment and almost a decade later, I still work for the same program as a manager and peer counselor and trainer...going it on your own with a serious addiction is probably possible, but in ten years, I never figured out how to do it...if 12-step isn't possible, how about Rational Recovery or Dual Recovery?
The image of perfection is one of the classic obsessive-compulsive aspects in addiction and it might be better to let the image shatter and ask for support. That is what keeps so many addicts trapped in the grey zone between life and the appearance of life. In my own approach, I place high value upon dropping the illusion of self-control and the willfulness that goes along with it and working on the positive behaviors that reinforce a good life. The trouble is that everyone around you has to be in on the positive reinforcement...



Britannia said:


> Has anybody dealt with it, first hand? Has anybody found a successful method of recovery, not the 12 steps or psychotherapy methods? But their own, individual methods?
> 
> I'm not sure how much detail is apropos to go into here on this forum, but I just really need some help. I'm starting to realize that drugs have taken over me, and I no longer have complete control over my urges and cravings. It's very scary, and I want help, but I'm too scared to seek professional treatment because not only would my family's image of me as their perfect girl be shattered, but also because I went through 3 years of intensive therapy, in a lockdown facility, to deal with this very addiction and I am apprehensive of going through any sort of therapy, now.
> 
> But it's much worse than before. I went clean for 18 days, and tonight I have just gone crazy. I've gone through more of it than I ever have before in such a small amount of time, and now I'm getting a huge reality check, even though I'm high, which is really weird... but still... I'm realizing that this is a serious problem, and I really need to talk to somebody who's been through this, or has wisdom, not some asshole who sits in a chair and profits off of my problems.


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## Britannia (Jan 21, 2008)

Unfortunately, when I told my family a long time ago when I first entered lockdown that I had an addiction and thought that something was mentally wrong with me, they told me I was full of shit because they "would have noticed", and that I was just trying to be dramatic.

I was extremely burned by that, and have never asked them since then for any sort of help. I know I have three major issues... a rapid-cycle bipolar disorder, an addiction to cocaine (which is, in part, a self-medication thing), and an eating disorder best described as anorexia. I also know that I thoroughly dislike therapists, behavior modification programs, and basically anyone who spews the program bullshit at me... I do have a lot of pent-up, rageful resentment because of some very traumatizing experiences caused by those three things, and I am also scared because I wonder if doing a ton of emotional work will just be in vain, like those 3 years have turned out to have been in. I'm much more self aware now, but I still relapsed and am hooked even worse than before.

I'm having such a battle in my head... when I'm clean, I'm pretty happy and did have fun whilst sober, but now that I'm on coke again I just can't say that I'd prefer being sober to being high, as much of a horrible tease this drug is. I do more and more, and the high just keeps becoming more and more elusuve, like it's cancelling out or something.

I hate what it does to me, yet I love what it does for me... and I'm realizing that that's really jacked up. I'm scared that if I were to genuinely quit, I would never feel so good again. I am genuinely in love with this drug, despite the bad things it does to me, and almost all the time now it feels like coke is my only friend, and the only thing I need. I know I'm personifying something that is logically nothing more than a chemical, a powdered substance, but it has more power over me than my own human brain does, and makes me feel more loved than I ever remember any person, a real person, has.


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## Obesus (Jan 21, 2008)

I think it would be wise to move this over to PM....but I understand much better what you are facing....I can say that you are developing a tolerance and the reality from the neurochemistry side is that your brain will never experience that initial "high" again, as much as you try...and addicts do spend decades trying to recapture it....



Britannia said:


> Unfortunately, when I told my family a long time ago when I first entered lockdown that I had an addiction and thought that something was mentally wrong with me, they told me I was full of shit because they "would have noticed", and that I was just trying to be dramatic.
> 
> I was extremely burned by that, and have never asked them since then for any sort of help. I know I have three major issues... a rapid-cycle bipolar disorder, an addiction to cocaine (which is, in part, a self-medication thing), and an eating disorder best described as anorexia. I also know that I thoroughly dislike therapists, behavior modification programs, and basically anyone who spews the program bullshit at me... I do have a lot of pent-up, rageful resentment because of some very traumatizing experiences caused by those three things, and I am also scared because I wonder if doing a ton of emotional work will just be in vain, like those 3 years have turned out to have been in. I'm much more self aware now, but I still relapsed and am hooked even worse than before.
> 
> ...


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 21, 2008)

More than happy to talk with you about this from a girl perspective if you need it, B.


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## bmann0413 (Jan 21, 2008)

Britannia said:


> Has anybody dealt with it, first hand? Has anybody found a successful method of recovery, not the 12 steps or psychotherapy methods? But their own, individual methods?
> 
> I'm not sure how much detail is apropos to go into here on this forum, but I just really need some help. I'm starting to realize that drugs have taken over me, and I no longer have complete control over my urges and cravings. It's very scary, and I want help, but I'm too scared to seek professional treatment because not only would my family's image of me as their perfect girl be shattered, but also because I went through 3 years of intensive therapy, in a lockdown facility, to deal with this very addiction and I am apprehensive of going through any sort of therapy, now.
> 
> But it's much worse than before. I went clean for 18 days, and tonight I have just gone crazy. I've gone through more of it than I ever have before in such a small amount of time, and now I'm getting a huge reality check, even though I'm high, which is really weird... but still... I'm realizing that this is a serious problem, and I really need to talk to somebody who's been through this, or has wisdom, not some asshole who sits in a chair and profits off of my problems.



I'm really sorry to hear about this, Brit... I can't give you any insight, but I can keep you in my prayers. To me, you're a great gal, and I don't want to see you get hurt anymore. I know you can do it, Britannia! I'm here if you just need someone to talk to, okay?


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## Dr. P Marshall (Jan 21, 2008)

I can't offer any insight either, but I am truly so sorry to hear about this. For what it's worth, you're in my thoughts and you have my love and support. I hope others far wiser than I can help you find what you need at this time.


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## Britannia (Jan 21, 2008)

I appreciate that very much, bmann... prayers and positive energy are something I'll never turn down! I can definitely use them, right now I'm feeling very indecisive... confused and scared.

I hope you're having a good night, though! And I commend the fact that you don't do drugs... they can easily, easily become a horrible nightmare, and I admire anyone who's wise enough to steer clear of them.


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## Britannia (Jan 21, 2008)

Saw your post a bit late, Dr. ... but thank you also.


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## CleverBomb (Jan 21, 2008)

If you don't tolerate formal treatment, I'd suggest Narcotics Anonymous. Can't hurt, could help. And the best of luck, whatever you do.

-Rusty


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## bmann0413 (Jan 21, 2008)

Britannia said:


> I appreciate that very much, bmann... prayers and positive energy are something I'll never turn down! I can definitely use them, right now I'm feeling very indecisive... confused and scared.
> 
> I hope you're having a good night, though! And I commend the fact that you don't do drugs... they can easily, easily become a horrible nightmare, and I admire anyone who's wise enough to steer clear of them.



Don't worry, you have people here who care about you and will do all that they can to help you... Why? Because we're like one big family!


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## Britannia (Jan 21, 2008)

Yeah, I really do feel that... and it's awesome.

I was wary of posting, asking for help, because it's pretty damn hard to admit to relative strangers that you have a problem like this. A lot of people judge you, when you tell them you're an addict. But many people on this forum have made me feel very much "at home", and I am excruciatingly thankful that you guys are so supportive... I really need you guys sometimes, especially right now, and you're always there. It really rocks.

I'm feelin' major love for you all. Seriously. You have no idea how much it means to me...


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## BigCutieSasha (Jan 21, 2008)

I think it's good you have started to understand fully how big of a problem you have. Understand and admitting to having a problem is the first step I have heard. I am here for you as well hun.


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## Britannia (Jan 21, 2008)

I've actually had moments, before, where I stopped and thought, "I'm getting way too into this... this is going to be bad. I should stop and get a bit of help." But I always have kept going.

The hardest step isn't admitting it to yourself... it's taking action to get help that's the scariest part, at least for me. I can talk about it so well, and really think critically, but that's so easy in comparison to really giving my drug up.


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## BigCutieSasha (Jan 21, 2008)

Ok true. Admitting is one thing, but actually doing something about it AND sticking with it, yeah. Thats harder.


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## Shosh (Jan 21, 2008)

Hey Brit,

You are so brave to put it all out here. 

My older brother had such an addiction to cocaine for the longest time. He has overcome it, and recently became a daddy for the first time. What a wonderful and devoted daddy he is too.

You are not a bad person cookie.

Sending you a big hug.

Susannah


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 21, 2008)

Sasha is correct. A direct plan of action and certain lifestyle changes are in order. You'll figure out your way. And, Shosh, that was wonderfully inspirational and sweet.


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## bexy (Jan 21, 2008)

*hey brit. i dont know if this will help you at all, but try to think of your future. i know you want to be model and you cant do that if youre sick or worse...not here anymore.

telling us all is a massive step and we are all so proud of you for it.

i have a friend who wouldnt admit he had a problem. even when he got as low as finding a bag of powder of the floor of a nightclub and taking it, not knowing if was coke, crushed E or rat poison.

he still uses, but in moderation, as he had a heart scare. i want him off it all but he doesnt want to stop. at least you want to stop. more power to you and loads of love xoxoxo*


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## William (Jan 21, 2008)

Hi 

There are also Secular Organizations in your area also,

http://sossobriety.org/meetings/

I have to say that NA is the most open-minded of the 12 Step Groups.

William




CleverBomb said:


> If you don't tolerate formal treatment, I'd suggest Narcotics Anonymous. Can't hurt, could help. And the best of luck, whatever you do.
> 
> -Rusty


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## Jane (Jan 21, 2008)

Your family's failure to accept reality should in no way impact your acceptance. If you think it's a problem chances are it's a problem.


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## IwannabeVERYfat (Jan 21, 2008)

I would also like to offer My prayers and support to you. if you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me. remember, you have everyone on this forum to offer support and prayers. we are here for you!!! I'm going to say a prayer for you right now before I eat lunch. please take care!!


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 21, 2008)

Brit, I wish I had some wisdom to offer, but I don't. I'm just so sorry you're going through this and I hope that you find someone who can help you with this struggle. You're too wonderful to lose. :wubu:


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## JerseyGirl07093 (Jan 22, 2008)

Since I don't think I'm allowed to post it here, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to send you a link to another board, much like this one, and also like one big community. But it's a board for addiction and recovery. There are people there in all stages of addiction, some active, some sober. Also, there is a place for families and friends to post. 
I have a brother who is an addict and I found the board just by searching online one day. There really are a lot of helpful people there who have been through it all. They've really helped me a few times with advice or just an ear to listen.
If anyone else wants the link they can PM me as well.
I really hope you stay strong and get help. I've seen what addiction can do and it's never good. The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem, good for you for doing that.
Good luck!


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## southernfa (Jan 22, 2008)

I can't speak from personal experience but know a lady who has been through most of what you have described and a whole lot more as well eg dysfunctional family, many drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, prostitution, physical abuse etc etc. She speaks well of the 12-step program and 20 years later still practices some of it. But it was the local version of Narcanon that finally helped her clean up. Having said that, it wasn't easy; she has to live with the fact that self-discipline is a daily practise for her and will be for the rest of her life.

Like everyone else here, I wish you the very best of luck.


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## Britannia (Jan 22, 2008)

Thank you guys so, so much for all your support. I'd had a very hellish few days, and last night I actually got a real sleep, and I feel so much better.

I'm going to visit one of the people I trust the most in this world - my Humanities professor. He's making time for me today, and will help me explore options as well as try to hook me up with whatever option we decide will be best for me. Right now, after a very awesome conversation with Mr. Obesus, I'm most leaning towards using acupuncture and yoga as an alternative treatment method... just to help balance my energies, and also because doing many of the breathing techniques, along with the needles and trance music, does produce a healthy, strong high for me. Nothing like coke, of course, but still, I think it will be able to replace the powder.

I had a good friend, who's also addicted to drugs, stay the night. It's a complicated situation, but basically just trust me when I say that he isn't a "trigger" or whatever for me. He woke up this morning to go to court, looked at me, and said, "GOD I wish there were no negatives to coke." He'd done about 13 grams in one weekend, if that tells you anything about the severity of his problem. I told him that that's why coke really isn't a good thing, but has such an incredible high: because, on the opposite end, the consequences are just as severe as the positives are amazing. I told him that I'm really starting to think that I don't like such high stakes, and that I'm going to quit... find something that doesn't have such a wide pendulum swing, while still being pretty good (like acupuncture). He just laughed... "Alright."

I actually genuinely believed what I told him, and I think that that's the beginning of something good... in the past I've never really looked at cocaine as something as extreme, but now I'm realizing that my perspective has been rather skewed.


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## ashmamma84 (Jan 22, 2008)

I don't really have anything to add but that I'm thinking of you. I hope you get the help and support you need.


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## Emma (Jan 22, 2008)

I've done most drugs. Never been a full addict, but I was psychologically addicted to pills for years and went through a stage of injecting speed. I found moving away did the trick and using less harmful drugs as a substitute (weed mostly). I still dabble occasionally, but I do it for enjoyment now. I don't think I can help you but you can be helped.


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## IwannabeVERYfat (Jan 22, 2008)

we're all pulling for you, you can do it!!


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## Risible (Jan 22, 2008)

JerseyGirl07093 said:


> Since I don't think I'm allowed to post it here, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to send you a link to another board, much like this one, and also like one big community. But it's a board for addiction and recovery. There are people there in all stages of addiction, some active, some sober. Also, there is a place for families and friends to post.
> I have a brother who is an addict and I found the board just by searching online one day. There really are a lot of helpful people there who have been through it all. They've really helped me a few times with advice or just an ear to listen.
> If anyone else wants the link they can PM me as well.
> I really hope you stay strong and get help. I've seen what addiction can do and it's never good. The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem, good for you for doing that.
> Good luck!



Jersey Girl, I just wanted to let you know that it is okay to post that link. Here on Dims, we will step in and delete links to diet and WLS websites, as well as links to paysites on posts outside of the paysite board, as well as other random links with objectionable material at our discretion, but the link you've mentioned sounds helpful. So, if you read this and you still wish to post it, please feel free. Thanks! 

/mod


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## JerseyGirl07093 (Jan 22, 2008)

Thanks for letting me know it's ok to post this. Here is the link for anyone interested.
There is a lot to read etc. there but I suggest if you want to find out anything, if you have questions, if you want to talk to someone, or if you just want to rant, go straight to the FORUMS. You'll find a board that's right for you and lots of helpful people there.
Like I said, this place is for people with an addiction as well as for their family and friends.
Hope this helps someone! 

http://www.soberrecovery.com/


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## vermillion (Jan 27, 2008)

Good luck.
I went through all this before...
been "clean" for the most part for almost 5 years...
I ain't going to lie and say I haven't done it since then
but it's ridiculously few and far between. I guess sometimes I need to do it to remind myself why I don't.

It's really hard. I actually had to move away from AZ. Separated myself from everyone and everything that was involved with that scene. 
Now I can still see those people because I rarely have the urge...
But it really helped at the time. 

I think a self evaluating camp trip is probably the most kick ass thing I did. 
It's really nice weather this time of year where we are at. 
Just an idea....

Best of luck to you.


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## moore2me (Jan 27, 2008)

Dear Brit,

I am pulling for you to master this cocaine use and overcome its grasp. I have not fought that battle myself, but have had some minor tussles with other substances and watched friends and family go thru hell over other chemical addictions. You have my thoughts and good wishes and I shall keep you in my prayers.


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## OfftoOtherPlaces (Jan 27, 2008)

Cocaine is frightening. I'm so awfully sorry to hear about your difficulties, but I know you can beat them, 'cause you're made of special stuff, Brit.

Sending prayer and good vibes your way.


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## TheMildlyStrangeone (Jan 29, 2008)

First things first, it is very good that you are aware you have a problem. Even though it's cliche, acknowledging the problem is the first step. You do really want to stop, evidenced by the post to begin with. All I can say without going into too much detail is that I can attest to the ravages of addiction. Now the one that harmed me the most wasn't drugs, but it took my life over(wasn't sex or food or anything like that but involved lot of money). I literallly fucked over everyone that actually gave a damn about me and luckily they still are around. You gotta kick the shit somehow. Whether you go the treatment route or just try cold turkey. 

More than likely you have an addictive personality and are going to have to channel your energy into something else. Judging from your various postings you seem to be highly energetic. Obviously, with all this energy it will be tough for you. You know that you need to exponge all the enablers out of your life that get you to do the coke. Just doing things that remind you of coke and how great it is to be high will be tough as shit. Unfortunately, I know firsthand how hard this is to beat (my best friend dad was a dealer of coke up until he tried to kill himself last year, does lines still all the time in front of me) but you can do it. I hope this comes off well. I definately know how fucking hard it is to beat addiction. Anyone that says it's easy has no clue.


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