# "If we get together, you need to lose weight."



## Deven (Jan 2, 2009)

I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do. 

I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation. 

With self-esteem issues come the "leeches." The guys that seem to target us, the ones that sense that we aren't all that confident. That we don't feel beautiful. They tell us what we want to hear, they tell us that we are perfect. Then they shatter our hearts, or leave us with no choice but to leave them.

I thought I had finally found Mr. Perfect. He's known me for 4 years, we've been best friends, lovers, you name it. He appreciates my opinions, my brutal honesty, my spelling/grammar corrections. He doesn't complain when I experiment with recipes and he is the unfortunate taste tester. We can watch the most fucked up movies, but he doesn't complain. He has spent every Holiday with me for the past year.

So, upon his urging, I move two hours from my friends and family. I quit my job, pack up, get my own place, and move to be closer to him. Yet, he tells me that he's afraid of committing, that he's been burned too many times. Yet, he had told me he loved me (and no, not to get into my pants. He said that and didn't even make a move.)

We start talking ifs. IF we get into a relationship. IF we get married. He asks me about kids names, marriage, how we want to raise them. Then one day, he drops this bombshell: "If we get together, I want you to lose weight."

I was left dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. Now, I have all these doubts, and am looking at myself in the mirror. I've had countless plastic surgeries, knee/back surgeries. I relearned how to walk when told it was impossible. I usually use these things to boost my ego, to make me remember that I am smart, talented, and capable. Then I get taken down a few pegs, almost back to where I started.

So now I sit, and I wonder. I thought I found someone who valued me, valued my intelligence. I thought that I knew him. I loved him. I have barely spoken to him in the past month and a half, and I feel like I'm lighter sometimes. I feel like this weight has been lifted, and I am not being hurt by him. Then, there's times when I think, "Maybe if I lose the weight, he'll want me."

I decided to look elsewhere, as hard as it is. I will also move back home soon. It was just a hard wake up call that took me back down the self-esteem ladder.

I apologize for the length of this post. If it's in a wrong space or need to be moved, you have my sincerest apologies.


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## shazz2602 (Jan 2, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do.
> 
> I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
> 
> ...





If you ask me your doing the right thing! Move on!! How can he say he loves you when he wants to change you? If you truly love someone you love them for all their good points and bad points. He is just not the one for you, youv'e had a rough ride through life and this is just another blip, I'm sure once your back near your friends and family you will flourish and find someone worth being with!


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## Dragonsspite (Jan 2, 2009)

Walk away, It may be hard but walk away.. If he loves you he would never use that as a weapon. Losing weight or gaining is a personal choice, and should never be a condition of a relationship. 

It sounds like he could be a very controlling person. Weight loss is a battle that you dont need extra stress added to. It would just set you up for failure, not only in the weight arena but also in the relationship. 

I was with a man once who told me ....I would marry you if you lost weight.. my retort was.. I would marry you if you didnt have red hair..needless to say, that relationship ended.

Regardless of the path you choose, Good luck, and blessed be!


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## LisaInNC (Jan 2, 2009)

Oh I would have kicked him in the balls. It would have immediately made me feel better.


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## xMissxLaurax (Jan 2, 2009)

I too have been in this situation.

The last guy I (nearly) got with, he said "oh, you would be perfect if you lot some weight..." needless to say, I kicked his sorry ass to the other side of Nottingham! (well, not literally, but you know what I mean!)

I went back on to the self doubting thing...but did lose a bit of weight as I ended up rather ill with a virus. Lost 4 stone.

Saw the very same guy after, and he thought that I had actually lost the weight to be with him, lmfao. I turned round and told him not to flatter himself and that there wasn't a chance in hell I would be with him. 

Anyway. Point is...

Don't change for anybody that expects you to change for them.


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## Shosh (Jan 2, 2009)

I am sorry to hear that this man has put you through this kind of emotional upset.

You are alive. You could have lost your life in that accident, and undoubtedly your life is meant to have a greater purpose than pleasing some narrowminded male, making demands upon you.

I myself am a chronic pleaser of men, but recently my mindset has been changing.

If this man loves you, he will love all of you. 

If he is not into you body and mind wholeheartedly then let him go. You deserve nothing less than a man who will love all of who you are.

Best wishes.


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## furious styles (Jan 2, 2009)

wow what a shallow ass. i could write a lot more about the gall of toying with a person's self esteem and trust for that long then doing something like that but i think the first sentence says all that i could with brevity.


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## Neen (Jan 2, 2009)

Wow, that angers me so much!! I've heard that 'lose weight then i'll date you' thing WAY to many times, and even FINALLY ended a on/off again 4 year relationship with a guy becuase he was contstantly trying to get me to lose weight...UGH. i say, consider it a blessing. You know the person ISN'T accepting you in this moment. Therefore, don't walk, but RUN! Plenty of people in the world who do not judge you on your weight, but see the real person inside. Good luck!


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## wrestlingguy (Jan 2, 2009)

You sound like you had already made up your mind, and really came here to get some support.
Sound like a smart girl to me.

To top it off, those who responded in this thread are also pretty smart, and their advice is good.

It's never fun when a relationship ends. One tends to re examine themselves, and everything that went on during that relationship. It took me maby years to realize that that isn't necessary.

No sense trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole, or trying to figure out why it didn't. Move on with confidence that you did the right thing.

Look forward to better things in 2009!


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## TallFatSue (Jan 2, 2009)

I'll never figure out men in general, but all I had to do was figure out one man: my hubby. 

There are certain kinds of men who seem absolutely perfect, and everything looks good, but then when the time comes to make the final commitment, they back away at the last minute. Methinx his commitment is the real issue, not your weight, and he's only using your weight as an excuse. The funerals of these kinds of men do not occur frequently enough. 

Even though I was convinced that Art was the right man for me, I did not uproot myself until he had asked me to marry him AND I had the engagement ring on my finger. Granted, he only lived on the other side of Toledo and he ended up moving to my side. Even so, we had ironed out all the "IFs" before we prepared to move in together. I made it abundantly clear that my abundant fat was here for the long haul, and he sure didn't complain! 

Maybe I'm just bossy and picky (who, me?) but I went into our relationship with both eyes wide open, and it's hard to argue with 26-plus years of good strong marriage. :smitten:


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## Ernest Nagel (Jan 2, 2009)

We all want someone to love us exactly as we are and I think it's good to stand for that. At the same time I don't know if it's reasonable to expect that our partners _like_ everything about us? I've never been in an LTR where my partner didn't want/try to change something about me. Sometimes it was something aesthetic; a matter of taste. Sometimes it was something personal; behavior, attitude. I usually tried to change, mostly without a great deal of success on the personal things. I can shave my beard, lose weight, stuff like that pretty easily. I've never expected to make it anywhere on my looks so I'm just not that invested in my appearance; I'm not attached to it. The other stuff? Well, there's a reason I'm this way and it has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get where I am, such as it is. Not something I like to mess with lightly. For the right woman though? Yeah, in a heartbeat. I just hope she's gives points for effort, lol. 

So my point, DD, is that you've worked hard to be OK with who you are right now. That's great, I applaud your courage and perseverance. If you don't want to change to accommodate someone else, by all means don't. Seriously, there's no reason you should have to. On the other hand when someone is honest enough to say what doesn't work for them it doesn't make you a sell-out to look and see if those changes would diminish (npi) you in some unacceptable way. If you can adjust to the kinds of changes circumstances have forced on you I'm guessing you're pretty resilient?

Maybe the guy was concerned about your health? Maybe he's too immature to understand what's really important to him (yet)? I have no clue but I do know chances for real love with someone you really click with are not as common as we'd like. Tell him you''ll think about it. Tell him "hell no!" but stop second-guessing yourself. You can't read minds and one request, no matter how superficial or inconsiderate, does not determine his "real" feelings for you. 

Men are wired to say stupid, thoughtless things. Not breeding with the ignorant, clueless, inconsiderate ones would eventually solve the problem but probably extinguish our species. As a countermeasure G-d/evolution has made women extremely forgiving. Those who aren't wind up deselecting themselves from the gene pool. Not a perfect system but it is what it is. JMO. Good luck. :bow:


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## FaxMachine1234 (Jan 2, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Oh I would have kicked him in the balls. It would have immediately made me feel better.



Sounds like a fine idea to me.


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## ashmamma84 (Jan 2, 2009)

I know its hard right now, but the best revenge you can get on someone like that is to "get better". That doesn't mean lose weight, that just means do you! Get your life together, do some things for yourself, take up some new interests, etc -- ride this thing to the wheels fall off! 

He'll hate to know how happy and adjusted you are...without his sorry ass. So, don't feel bad about yourself because this has nothing to do with you. And really aren't you glad he was honest about the kind of person he was before you walked down the aisle and things really got messy...? I can almost gurantee that even if you did lose weight, he'd find something else to change about you. 

Recognize that you are, and have always been enough. You are perfectly imperfect as we all are. You deserve a love unconditional. Not that half assed, fickle shit. Trust, its not what you want. 

ps -- you've already been through the fire and back, so there's no doubt you're strong! Surgeries, relearning to walk - girl, you are a soldier! Recognize that. You need someone as strong and fearless as you.


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## mediaboy (Jan 2, 2009)

Jesus, I've broken up with a few hatchet wounds in harsh ways but even I wouldn't be as cruel as this kid.

False hope is the worst evil of all. What a fucking ass.


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## LalaCity (Jan 3, 2009)

mediaboy said:


> Jesus, I've broken up with a few hatchet wounds...



Yikes -- I _hope_ that's not a euphemism for women..


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## jewels_mystery (Jan 3, 2009)

Consider it a lesson learned. I think most of us on the boards have been through this. I know I've heard it at least 3 times.. Doesn't make it sting any less. One told me if I lost 100 pds, he would marry me tomorrow. A good friend gave me some fantastic advice. When your in a relationship, think about how you wanted your life to be realistically. Does this person add to that picture or take away from it. If its the lesser, you are dating below your status and need to move on. YOU are worth so much better. Karma is a bitch and will bit him in the ass.


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## op user (Jan 3, 2009)

Typical male stupidity (and yes I am male but I call stupidity when I see it). He knew you for a long time and he should have appreciated for your overall qualities. Asking someone to change (in a clear or subtle way) is wrong. 

Dump him because you deserve much better and you will find it soon enough.

op user


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## Deven (Jan 3, 2009)

Thank you all for the support. I honestly felt a bit of the need to vent, and to know that I was doing the right thing.


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## chicken legs (Jan 3, 2009)

wow what a terd.

having 5 older brothers and many close male friends..i have seen this more times than needed..and which is probably why i can be untactfully honest. I have tried to warn many a female to some of my brothers true intentions, (and males to my very endowed older sister) and they never listen. Lust can really fog the brain..and no one is immune. Its just sad how others take advantage of that..


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## Theresa48 (Jan 3, 2009)

My heart goes out to you. How difficult it is to have to walk away from someone you loved enough to make significant changes in your life as you did when you moved to be closer to him. How difficult it is to realize someone you loved is not who you thought him to be. From what you wrote, it is my opinion that the weight issue is an excuse for him or maybe it is a test he throws your way to see if you "love him" enough for him to make a commitment to you. No matter what it is, you've done the right thing in my opinion. As bad as it feels now to close the relationship, it would feel far worse to live with someone day after day knowing that you do not "live up" to what they want to have in a life partner. That would ultimately destroy your self-esteem. I speak from personal experience having lived through a similar situation and trying to lose weight for the relationship but failing.  You are a brave young woman. Good luck to you in finding someone worthy of your love and commitment.


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## Wayne_Zitkus (Jan 3, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Oh I would have kicked him in the balls. It would have immediately made me feel better.


I would get on line for the opportunity to kick him in the balls.


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## dragorat (Jan 3, 2009)

*Kicking him in the balls is too good for him.Kick him THEN grind your spiked heels in them!He knew you all that time & never commented on your weight.Then he gets you to move closer and says it.WHAT THE HELL was he thinking????Or thinking with,it sure wasn't his brain!:doh:*


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## olwen (Jan 3, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> Thank you all for the support. I honestly felt a bit of the need to vent, and to know that I was doing the right thing.



You absolutely did the right thing as others have said. And you're not alone in that experience either. It sucks when it happens, and you ask yourself how someone could say so many good things about you and accept you and then wham - reject something fundamental about yourself that you can't easily control. It knocks the wind out of your sails. The good thing to come out of that is the knowledge that such a person is all wrong for you and you saved yourself a lot of time that could have been wasted. 

And if this guy tries to come back to you with apologies or try to tell you why he thinks he knows what's best for you, don't even give him a second thought. He's lost out on something good not the other way around.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 3, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Oh I would have kicked him in the balls. It would have immediately made me feel better.





Ekim said:


> Sounds like a fine idea to me.






dragorat said:


> *Kicking him in the balls is too good for him.Kick him THEN grind your spiked heels in them!He knew you all that time & never commented on your weight.Then he gets you to move closer and says it.WHAT THE HELL was he thinking????Or thinking with,it sure wasn't his brain!:doh:*






wrestlingguy said:


> You sound like you had already made up your mind, and really came here to get some support.
> Sound like a smart girl to me.
> 
> 
> Look forward to better things in 2009!







olwen said:


> *You absolutely did the right thing as others have said. * And you're not alone in that experience either. It sucks when it happens, and you ask yourself how someone could say so many good things about you and accept you and then wham - reject something fundamental about yourself that you can't easily control. It knocks the wind out of your sails. The good thing to come out of that is the knowledge that such a person is all wrong for you and you saved yourself a lot of time that could have been wasted.
> 
> *And if this guy tries to come back to you with apologies or try to tell you why he thinks he knows what's best for you, don't even give him a second thought. He's lost out on something good not the other way around.*




I'm with these people.......


AND....


I one time told some guy that talked about me losing weight........I said if I lose weight, then I could definitely find a better guy than you to be with......

that ended the conversation


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## chunkeymonkey (Jan 3, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do.
> 
> I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
> 
> ...




I had been told the same thing by an Ex..... In short I told him I would if he increased his dick 3 inches for my pleasure. Needless to say it didn't work out.
Wish you the best and move on.


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## lily352 (Jan 3, 2009)

I love chunkeymonkey's response!

My heart goes out to you. 

Considering how much you two have been through together, I do think it might be worth talking to him about it. I don't think that you can change him or that you should lose weight simply because he wants you to. However, it might do you both some good for him to understand better how rude and ridiculous his request is. 

Never lose weight for anyone except yourself.


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## Lilbexter (Jan 4, 2009)

God, this just eats me up. It hurts me to think that this man who knew you, knew every part of you, couldn't accept something that meant so relatively little in the grand scheme of things. I suppose I am simply shocked. Ultimately, I think you were right to leave and move on. This guy is clearly misguided, and rather juvenile. 
Body/size is just like any factor in a relationship; it can make or break it. But perhaps it's best to look at all the instances where love has transcended any of those barriers. With a guy like you were describing, it would always be something. If not losing weight, it would be dressing differently, or changing your hair color. So as hurtful as it may have been (and I'm sure it was), consider it a fault that lies within him, and not you. 
You are clearly an articulate, intelligent, understanding woman who deserves a guy that will not only adore those aspects of you, but your body as well. I am so sorry that you had to get hurt by a man who couldn't fulfill that for you, but I suppose we have to take everything like that as a learning experience. Good luck with everything, and remember that you deserve to have everything you want in your life, even as you are now.


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## exile in thighville (Jan 4, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do.
> 
> I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
> 
> ...



this guy is a disgusting asshole and you need to leave him. he deceived you into moving closer to him with no pretenses because he probably does feel a connection but is too spineless to have mentioned your weight being a dealbreaker BEFORE you packed up emotionally and physically in knowing preparation to have a relationship with him. don't give him another cent of thought. he's had years to get used to your body and think about this. you deserve an FA, unless you want to lose the weight that is. I still think his failure to mention this condition upfront bodes unwell for his balls if push were to shove in any relationship he has.


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## Fascinita (Jan 4, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> So now I sit, and I wonder. I thought I found someone who valued me, valued my intelligence. I thought that I knew him. I loved him. I have barely spoken to him in the past month and a half, and I feel like I'm lighter sometimes. I feel like this weight has been lifted, and I am not being hurt by him. Then, there's times when I think, "Maybe if I lose the weight, he'll want me."



Drop this creep. The reason you're giving this person this much hold over your feelings could be that you need validation and acceptance after your body's been through the trauma and intense changes. OTOH, the way you tell it, it doesn't sound like this person is going to help you heal. This thinking that you need to lose weight to be acceptable is destructive. Since you seem inclined to want to believe that you need to lose weight to be lovable, it might be a good idea to make a decision for yourself whether you're going to live with the weight or lose it, once and for all. I would think this would be a great first step on the way to making room in your life for healthy relationships.

Good luck.


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## Matt L. (Jan 4, 2009)

He is an authentic, self-centered jerk who doesn't deserve knowing you. Kick his ass to the curb!


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## kayrae (Jan 4, 2009)

I'm glad you decided to share. I have nothing new to add. My heart goes out to you.


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## squurp (Jan 4, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do.
> 
> I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
> 
> ...



The true test of love and respect for a person, is acknowledgement and acceptance for what the person is at the current moment, including strengths and flaws.


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## BUTTERFLY (Jan 4, 2009)

WOW what a butt munch! Deven, tell him when he grows a bigger wing wang then you might consider dating him


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 4, 2009)

Deven, from your post I can tell that you're a survivor. I'm impressed with what you've accomplished; many people, having through what you did, would have given up. But clearly you've healed and moved on from a tragic, scary accident.

I'm sorry this guy was a jerk to you but you did the right thing. If he cannot accept how you look, and who you are, then he has no business being in a relationship with you. I'm glad you found out before you married and started having kids and he imposed his distaste for fat on you. You will find someone worthy of you. I know it.


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## Flabulous (Jan 4, 2009)

There's only one thing I'd tell him to do and it wouldn't be polite. What a wanker.

He either loves you or he doesn't. And if he says it and _MEANS_ it then it should be unconditional. Putting this sudden condition on it pretty much contradicts it. 

You're better off without him. And remember what you've been through. You are a _MUCH_ better person than him. You've already suffered enough and deserve better


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## superodalisque (Jan 4, 2009)

might sound funky right now but i'm happy for you. you've learned something. its a journey. your away from him. you'll be happier. next time let the guy move and make the sacrifices for you. it speaks volumes if someone is willing to have you do all of that and doesn't do much himself. if you lose weight do it for you and not for him. then you'll attract someone who cares as much for you as you do for yourself. you deserve happiness and not heartache. if you feel bad around someone more often than you feel good around him then you know. i had to figure that out for myself too. there was a great guy, a friend. always indicating there was something more there. but everytime i ever saw him i felt miserable because i never felt the love, respect, importance or closeness that i wanted. i'm not the type to really stop my life for anyone but i still felt him like a weight around my neck. he was always in the back of my mind somewhere. i had to let the idea of him go because he was not that idea i had of him. i needed someone open close and sensitive that i could respect. and even though he was very attracted to me physically i found the entire situation lacking. when i let go i felt so much better and was able to move on with my life. i'm so glad i did. i'm glad you did too.

PS: please don't make it about your weight. you were beautiful and interesting enough to him that he wanted to be close to you and be your lover all of these years. he just didn't want to commit. its his problem not yours. i think he was just saying something to get out of it. after all he knows you very well and knew exactly what to say to push you away for good. put him out of your mind and wait for the one who loves you the way you need to be loved. this guy is just not capable and you can't teach him to be.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 4, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> PS: please don't make it about your weight. you were beautiful and interesting enough to him that he wanted to be close to you and be your lover all of these years. he just didn't want to commit. its his problem not yours. i think he was just saying something to get out of it. after all he knows you very well and knew exactly what to say to push you away for good. put him out of your mind and wait for the one who loves you the way you need to be loved. this guy is just not capable and you can't teach him to be.




I think this is a very insightful and good point........


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## Fascinita (Jan 4, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> might sound funky right now but i'm happy for you. you've learned something. its a journey. your away from him. you'll be happier. next time let the guy move and make the sacrifices for you. it speaks volumes if someone is willing to have you do all of that and doesn't do much himself. if you lose weight do it for you and not for him. then you'll attract someone who cares as much for you as you do for yourself. you deserve happiness and not heartache. if you feel bad around someone more often than you feel good around him then you know. i had to figure that out for myself too. there was a great guy, a friend. always indicating there was something more there. but everytime i ever saw him i felt miserable because i never felt the love, respect, importance or closeness that i wanted. i'm not the type to really stop my life for anyone but i still felt him like a weight around my neck. he was always in the back of my mind somewhere. i had to let the idea of him go because he was not that idea i had of him. i needed someone open close and sensitive that i could respect. and even though he was very attracted to me physically i found the entire situation lacking. when i let go i felt so much better and was able to move on with my life. i'm so glad i did. i'm glad you did too.
> 
> PS: please don't make it about your weight. you were beautiful and interesting enough to him that he wanted to be close to you and be your lover all of these years. he just didn't want to commit. its his problem not yours. i think he was just saying something to get out of it. after all he knows you very well and knew exactly what to say to push you away for good. put him out of your mind and wait for the one who loves you the way you need to be loved. this guy is just not capable and you can't teach him to be.



Great post, Felicia.


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## vcrgrrl (Jan 4, 2009)

I hope all goes well with you. I think it's very smart that you are walking away from it. He really doesn't deserve anyone...... I can't stand guys like that.


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## sShameless (Jan 5, 2009)

Tell him what a piece of junk he is.

Man what an ass. I would have asked him wtf he'd been doing with me all this time, if he was so grossed out by me (I know that's not technically what he said, but I would have said it). I would have asked him if he was embarrased by me, if he realized all the shit I had already been through.

Fuck him.


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## mergirl (Jan 5, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I think this is a very insightful and good point........


yes i though so too..
Also, i dont know if anyone mentioned it but.. He needs a right boot in the baws!! lol


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## Victim (Jan 5, 2009)

People that wish you to become what THEY want you to be are really only in love with themselves, not you.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 5, 2009)

Victim said:


> People that wish you to become what THEY want you to be are really only in love with themselves, not you.



I think this is another good point.....


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## fiore (Jan 7, 2009)

_HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU_

harsh, I know, but someone had to say it. go read the book. Seriously.


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## viracocha (Jan 8, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> Thank you all for the support. I honestly felt a bit of the need to vent, and to know that I was doing the right thing.



You definitely did the right thing, and should be proud. I'm stunned that you've done so much for and with him, and he still said that. The fact that he made a stipulation like that, regardless of what it was, marked him as a stooge. I think you'll do great for yourself. Know that we're all rooting for you!

P.S.-- This idea has much potential... -->


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## AdriannaAmor (Jan 8, 2009)

i think situation like these are just an experience to learn from, and as hard as our lovers my be to let go, remember, u found one, and im sure theres another out there for you, and all the "leachers" are here to teach us a lesson. be strong girly, rthings always get better, move on, he's not worth the wait.


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## SocialbFly (Jan 8, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> I haven't been around for awhile because I was pondering this. I was mulling over what I want to do.
> 
> I am 5'7" and 280. I was thrown through a car windshield, my then 100 pound frame easily launched out. I was a ballerina, a model. My hopes and dreams were completely shattered in that one instant. Flash forward 9 years later, and the anger and bitterness has finally gone away. Just not the self-esteem issues. My smile is not as even as it was, I have scars. More importantly, I'm not that 100 pound girl that was thrown through that windshield. I've gained 180 pounds, not including fluctuation.
> 
> ...




You know, above all what i want to say to you, is that you have already fought obstacles most people only shudder when they hear about it...you are a strong woman, you have proven that, surviving...now take your strong self and make yourself happy...no one can give us happiness, it cant be bought, we can only find it on our own..and you will...look how far you have come!!! Good for you, pull on those big irl panties, shake your shoes at him and head out into your life...it waits for you, you earned it.


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## SocialbFly (Jan 8, 2009)

fiore said:


> _HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU_
> 
> harsh, I know, but someone had to say it. go read the book. Seriously.




Gimme a break, stupid book to excuse bad behavior, if he isnt that into her, he should man up and say it...

i hate that book...


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## fiore (Jan 9, 2009)

The idea is not to excuse bad behavior, but to recognize bad behavior as a signal that this is not the right guy for you. I found it helpful.


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## Deven (Jan 10, 2009)

Thank you all so very much. I went away, mostly from him, cleared my head, and realized that you all are right. I deserve someone who can appreciate me for me, and if he can't, it's his loss entirely. He encouraged me to move, leave my friends/family. I was just stupid enough to listen. 

He's been telling me recently that I took it the "wrong way." I told him that there's only one way to take that, and that ended the conversation.


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## jewels_mystery (Jan 10, 2009)

DevenDoom said:


> Thank you all so very much. I went away, mostly from him, cleared my head, and realized that you all are right. I deserve someone who can appreciate me for me, and if he can't, it's his loss entirely. He encouraged me to move, leave my friends/family. I was just stupid enough to listen.
> 
> He's been telling me recently that I took it the "wrong way." I told him that there's only one way to take that, and that ended the conversation.



I am so proud of you for remaining strong. BUT please do not call yourself stupid. YOU AREN'T. You trusted his word and thought he was being honest. There is no crime or reason to be embarrassed by that. You did nothing wrong!!


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## honeyhush (Jan 10, 2009)

Ernest Nagel said:


> We all want someone to love us exactly as we are and I think it's good to stand for that. At the same time I don't know if it's reasonable to expect that our partners _like_ everything about us? I've never been in an LTR where my partner didn't want/try to change something about me. Sometimes it was something aesthetic; a matter of taste. Sometimes it was something personal; behavior, attitude. I usually tried to change, mostly without a great deal of success on the personal things. I can shave my beard, lose weight, stuff like that pretty easily. I've never expected to make it anywhere on my looks so I'm just not that invested in my appearance; I'm not attached to it. The other stuff? Well, there's a reason I'm this way and it has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get where I am, such as it is. Not something I like to mess with lightly. For the right woman though? Yeah, in a heartbeat. I just hope she's gives points for effort, lol.
> 
> So my point, DD, is that you've worked hard to be OK with who you are right now. That's great, I applaud your courage and perseverance. If you don't want to change to accommodate someone else, by all means don't. Seriously, there's no reason you should have to. On the other hand when someone is honest enough to say what doesn't work for them it doesn't make you a sell-out to look and see if those changes would diminish (npi) you in some unacceptable way. If you can adjust to the kinds of changes circumstances have forced on you I'm guessing you're pretty resilient?
> 
> Maybe the guy was concerned about your health? Maybe he's too immature to understand what's really important to him (yet)? I have no clue but I do know chances for real love with someone you really click with are not as common as we'd like. Tell him you''ll think about it. Tell him "hell no!" but stop second-guessing yourself. You can't read minds and one request, no matter how superficial or inconsiderate, does not determine his "real" feelings for you.



I think this sums up my thoughts. 

Sometimes everything can be perfect but just one small thing isn't right. He clearly had his reasons, it seems unreasonable to assume his motives were to insult you considering how close you appear to be.


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