# Conflicted About Gaining - Help!



## yrmangledheart (Jan 9, 2013)

I've wanted to write this post for some time even though I am not a particularly active member of the forums. It is hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling but I will make an attempt and hope you'll post, especially those who have experiences to share.

I'm an F.A and I adore BBW & SSBBW. This has been something I've always felt, since pre-puberty, I have always admired fat people around me. It's something I've had no problem accepting and I am happy to speak about it honestly and frankly with people. However, when it comes to issues surrounding my own weight my feelings are far more conflicted which is why I'm writing. 

Since childhood I've been excited by the idea of being fat. It has always been there, in the background, less prominent than me adoration of OTHER fat people but still there. I love food, adore eating till I am impossibly full, I have compulsive eating habits and am constantly thinking about my next meal. I'm aroused by the feeling of being full. I live a pretty physically active lifestyle and because of that my adult weight has hovered between (briefly) 185-ish and 210, not particularly big. At 5 foot 10 I'm around 40lbs heavier than a 'healthy' weight but have always been somewhere in that range, never gaining in huge bursts but the occasional pound here and there, gaining some, losing some, evening out. I've never committed to gaining, I'm struck by the compulsion from time to time but have never taken the matter seriously. 

Despite loving fat women I can't seem to wholly submit to my feelings about being fat myself. Despite feeling aroused by being full of food, despite loving the feeling of my stomach being flabby and heavy, I still recoil when I see a photo when I 'look fat'. I fantasize about being fat but if I'm actually called fat in real life I feel sad. I have days where I buy lots of healthy food, commit to 'getting fit', exercise and start to fantasize about how I'll look when I'm skinny which can be followed one week later by a day of eating pizza, chocolate, fries, lots of fattening food and jiggling my stomach whilst being intimate with myself *cough*. If I put on an item of clothing and its become too tight I feel equal parts disappointed with myself and turned-on. I can't seem to shake this bizarre mix of shame and excitement. I can't understand why I can't fully commit to either lifestyle; either healthy living or gaining. I've been living with these feelings for years and years and I want to reconcile them with my image of myself.

One thing I do know is it will never go. This burning desire, this compulsion to eat and the sexual gratification I feel from being full will never leave me because I've lived with it for as long as I can remember being alive. So why can't I succumb to it? Why won't I commit? I feel so confused.


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## Tad (Jan 10, 2013)

Short answer: You are far from alone in these conflicted feelings. A cognitive dissonance like this (conflicting feelings held at the same time) is never comfortable....but sometimes it is better to live with that internal conflict, perhaps finding ways to soothe it a bit, than to try and go all one way or the other. (or maybe I just suggest that because it is the route I've taken?)


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## BigFA (Jan 10, 2013)

Yrmangledheart: As Tad said, you are not alone. I have had very similar feelings my entire life and have struggled with them continually. What I have found now works for me is that back in the mid-80s, after numerous diets, I decided I was not going to diet anymore, beat myself up for gaining weight back (when deep inside I wanted to be fat), and enjoy my life and all the wonderful food the world has to offer. I too adore eating and love the feeling of fullness. I am much happier now eating whatever I want, whenever I want and letting nature take its course. I have slowly and steadily gained 130 lbs. over 15 years and now have leveled off around 300 lbs. at 5'11. 

I don't intentionally overeat to gain, but just enjoy normal amounts of food and sometimes really enjoy over endulging and being really full. I work out regularly to maintain my health and build strength so that I can comfortably carry the extra weight as I age. I find that I no longer obsess about being fatter or that I should be thinner but just enjoy the natural process of gaining weight and being happy with the fact that I am now a "fat guy". My goal is to be healthy, strong and fat! It fits my psyche in that I too love BBW's and SSBBW's and just love all things fat. And I truly love to eat. So in a nutshell, rather than having to commit to a "healthy life" or a "gaining life", just "be you" and enjoy what comes. Hope this perspective helps.


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## bbwfairygirl (Jan 10, 2013)

I think firstly you really need to identify why it scares you. Being able accept others isn't the same as accepting ourselves. I definitely find many of my "fatter than me" g/f's extremely sexy but for me, _mentally_, I don't want to be that large...but yet, I do. 

While I've come a long way from my growing up years, I still have the sneaky little voice in my head that counteracts what my heart wants or my sexual desires. I've been learning to move beyond it and really examine what it is I want, what turns me on, etc. So I don't have to live in a fantasy. I don't want to live without having the opportunity to experience what my core being desires. At least in some degree.

We are thrown so much "this is how you should act", "this is how you should look", etc. that learning to unlearn it is so difficult. Fat being the biggest thing people are shamed for. I currently live in an area of the US where fat people are abundant (hey, unintentional pun) and it's awesome. But yet I grew up on the east coast in an area that was extremely wealthy and image consciousness was prime. Ingrained. Second nature. Even if you weren't exceptionally wealthy it was there. Thankfully my folks never did the diet thing, gave me crap about my weight/size/whatever but I sure did get enough input from the world around me. And I don't mean bullying either. I never had much of a problem with that. It's just all of the input, input, input. Then how it affects the whole self worth stuff. And if you're a really mental person, and not in the little white coats type of mental, it can be so hard to push all of that head garbage out the window and just "do it". To just be what it is you want to be and feel what it is you are meant to feel. 

While I still struggle I realize that the only person I need to be happy with, to love and to impress (per se) is me. I find talking about it with friends gives me a good perspective as well. I am too introspective and that isn't always beneficial so like minded souls have been a blessing for me. Cause I love my hedonistic, foodee, semi-gluttonous side...lol

So, a few thoughts. I could write more but I have to head off for now. Else I could probably go on for a few more paragraphs...


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## Webmaster (Jan 10, 2013)

There's an inherent difference between being fat and having desires to be fat oneself. There are, of course, fat people who do not mind being fat or even embrace their body size and shape, but it's not due to sexual desires. There are also people, both fat and thin who do feel sexual desire to be or get fat themselves. Many FAs have told me over the years that they have those feelings, though not everyone acts on them.

So what do we make of sexual desires to be fat oneself? Hard to say. For some, the desire may be such that resisting isn't an option. For others, their inherent body identity may be such that they prefer to stay the way they are rather than change in response to sexual desires. There isn't a right or wrong, it's a decision that has to be right for the individual involved.


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## detroit63 (Feb 2, 2013)

I go back and forth between 200 and 210 usually. I am 5' 10; so obese is a bit over 210. I have been at 215 before for a short while when I intentionally gained. I can gain about 1.5 to 2 lbs a week if I try hard, but that is a bit much. I just cant find a way to continue to gain in small amounts continuously. I am 200 now and want to be fatter. There is something about a belly that hangs over the belt and jiggles when you walk quickly. At 215 I was closer to a fantasy in which I am clearly obese and I have trouble hiding my belly. There is just something sexy about being a fat guy. 
I like fat women too, but that isn't enough sometimes. How do I get over my weight limit and have the body I want?


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## fiddypence (Feb 4, 2013)

This desire to eat and get fat is very natural. I'm surprised that more people don't feel this way in our society.

Here's what I would suggest. Commit to being healthy and getting fatter.

Maybe, you can allow yourself to eat as much of certain types (healthy types) of foods as you like. Maybe if you are living a healthier lifestyle that will alleviate some of the guilt that you feel.


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## Mr. 23 (Mar 27, 2013)

yrmangledheart said:


> One thing I do know is it will never go. This burning desire, this compulsion to eat and the sexual gratification I feel from being full will never leave me because I've lived with it for as long as I can remember being alive. So why can't I succumb to it? Why won't I commit? I feel so confused.



Trust me, it doesn't go away. I could have written exactly this post. There is really only one thing to be done about it: Dive in. You don't have to put on a lot. A bit here. A bit there. Take your time with it. There's not any hurry. It doesn't go away, and you'll probably do it subconsciously anyway. 

Disclaimer: If my experience is anything to go by.


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## yrmangledheart (Apr 16, 2013)

Thanks for the amazing responses, you are all really insightful and great! 

Mr. 23, what I've found is that even when I am eating with abandon the negative feelings don't go away. Every joyful action is tinged with a sense of guilt, like an anti-silver lining. Even when I am full and feel aroused there is a voice in the back of my head saying "you can reverse this, just start the health kick tomorrow, don't enjoy this". It makes for very conflicted living. 

I'm sure at some point everything will become clearer, I'm still young (mid 20s) and have gained some in the last decade so will probably gain, even slightly, in the next. I have a very clear food addiction and love to indulge - today I ate toast with butter and peanut butter, poached eggs on toast, pasta with cheese and chicken, a large bowl of cheesy fries, 3 candy bars, a packet of chips, and a big fried chicken combo meal. Factor in a few sodas and it's hardly the diet of someone afraid of gaining some pounds. However, I feel the guilt creeping and will probably succumb to my negative feelings again and eat very little for weeks. I wish I could find a happy medium or commit to either lifestyle but instead I seem to zip between gluttony and austerity like a yo-yo.

One thing I've factored in is that I have a very active job and am still overweight - I've often wondered the effects of taking a sedentary job but otherwise not changing my lifestyle or making any choices either way. I'd probably balloon, and the thought is appealing although is it fantasy or reality? I can't tell.

It's great to have this board to sound off to, thanks and please, write back y'all.


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## Tad (Apr 17, 2013)

Maybe you have developed a Pavlovian response to feel guilty when you get a blood sugar spike? I'm half joking, but still, perhaps try indulging in a large salad with plenty of dressing, a big dish of whole-wheat pasta accompanied by whole-wheat bread with plenty of butter, and finish a fruit salad, while washing it down with whole milk....and see how you feel?


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## Frogman (Apr 17, 2013)

I don't have the answers, but all I can say is I can relate. I guess confusion and internal conflict is the only natural reaction when you're possessed of a primal impulse that is alien to and directly contradicts societal norms.
I've been attracted to large women and possessed by weight gain fantasies since beginning high school; (I'm now in my early 30's.) Over time, my sexual fantasies have grown more varied and elaborate--but they all revolve around sadism, masochism, fatness, and fattening. I've actively gained, but am too self-conscious to have let myself become truly overweight. I'm always amazed at people who genuinely just don't seem to give a damn what others might think about them; I wish I could be more like that (to a point).

All I can say is, if you should happen upon any genuine insight or wisdom along your trajectory in life, feel free to share it.


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## GordoNegro (Apr 17, 2013)

Find yourself or surround yourself with bbw/ssbbw foodies... those who enjoy food. Some of them may hit the gym to burn it off the next day while some say they will work it off only to make an excuse not to later on. I do not blame you for being hesitant to gain as there are too many ssbhms here and elsewhere complaining, alone and desperate.
There is someone for everyone which is true, though I will say the opposites attract or size difference thing seems to be more popular than I thought before I ballooned. Some ssbbw may have the mentality if if 2 people have 3 inches of belly then there is ZERO LOVE THANG, regardless of Kama Sutra and different positions available etc. Some ssbbw don't feel its a challenge to bed a bhm/ssbhm as opposed to the GQ/Men's Health types their thinner counterparts can get. However, I've been blessed to have been with ssbbws/ussbbw who like and preferred bhm/ssbhm/usbhm, but I've also been with ussbbw/ssbbws who told me not to get fat either.
There are Kate Moss types who love the size difference and will walk slow with you around town, having you on display but; if you only desire a country fed type of woman, try to find her first before ballooning too quickly.
In the meantime, I would...
Hit the bbw clubs if nearby (online personal ads etc); look for a comfortable car unless you're fine with taxis/cabs/buses, save $ as clothes, folding chairs, scales, additional life/health insurance coverage etc. and look for a dependable doctor who will examine your lungs for fluid, rather than 1 who would assume that you struggle breathing because you are too fat etc.
Just had to be real and speak truth...best of luck whatever you choose to do.


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## GainingGloria (Apr 26, 2013)

fiddypence said:


> This desire to eat and get fat is very natural. I'm surprised that more people don't feel this way in our society.
> 
> Here's what I would suggest. Commit to being healthy and getting fatter.
> 
> Maybe, you can allow yourself to eat as much of certain types (healthy types) of foods as you like. Maybe if you are living a healthier lifestyle that will alleviate some of the guilt that you feel.



I agree. If health is a worry there is no reason you can't gain and be healthy too. And I also agree that it doesn't go away. I've wanted to get fat since I was a kid and used to lurk on sites on the internet looking at figures I wish I had and was loved for. And then I'd try dismiss it but it would creep back again and again. Face it head on and don't feel ashamed or disgusted. Talk to people who will encourage you and celebrate your gain. It makes all the difference. Good luck


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## EatMoreFatGirl (May 4, 2013)

Mr. 23 said:


> Trust me, it doesn't go away. I could have written exactly this post. There is really only one thing to be done about it: Dive in. You don't have to put on a lot. A bit here. A bit there. Take your time with it. There's not any hurry. It doesn't go away, and you'll probably do it subconsciously anyway.



I think Mr. 23 hit the nail on the head. I've been "fighting" this desire for over 10 years....


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## yrmangledheart (Jun 16, 2013)

I've eased off on the self-loathing in the six months since I wrote this and noticing quite a change without any effort to gain.

New stretch marks, feeling slightly less nimble and the fact that my oversize, baggy t shirts (L & XL) now look way more normal and mediums just flat out don't fit. Used to be the case that medium was pretty snug, large was roomy and xl was BAGGY. Now it's the large ones that fit normally and the Xl don't look so out of place.

Still conflicted but also enjoying it too much to make any concentrated effort to drop pounds. Not weighed myself in a while but keen to do so!


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## fiddypence (Jun 18, 2013)

Has anyone said anything yet?


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## BigFA (Jun 21, 2013)

Great to see your are beginning to enjoy the ride. As I said at the top of this thread, kick back and be you. Enjoy eating, gaining and staying healthy. The desire to grow fat never goes away. So embrace it.


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## Saoirse (Jun 21, 2013)

Sometimes (and for a lot of people, most of the time) being fat sucks. You should think about it.


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## yrmangledheart (Jun 26, 2013)

fiddypence said:


> Has anyone said anything yet?



Only people very close to me, my girlfriend and a couple of friends have commented but I am lucky enough to exist in a pretty open-minded progressive circle of people. My girlfriend thinks its cute and my roommates just mentioned it because I gave them some shirts that didnt fit and they said they'd noticed I'd been looking bigger. 

Saorise, I am aware of many of the negative experiences of fat people, both surrounding me and in this community, I'm not blinkered or ignorant. Having said that I've been made fun of for being fat at school, in clubs, in arguments with customers. Whilst I am aware that the issues facing people who are 30lbs bigger than they are expected to be differ greatly from those who are 300lbs bigger than they are expected to be I am no stranger to fat phobia and having immersed myself in the community I am aware of the experiences of others which could become my own. I make no claim to having fully decided to gain great amounts of weight and have stated I'm still conflicted. If I were to gain purposefully it'd be a measured considered decision done with sensitivity to some of the negative experiences of those who have done so before me.

And having said all that, I recently weighed myself and found little difference, ho hum. I imagine the sizing up without gaining much is down to loss of muscle/addition of fat at the same time and redistribution of weight, I feel like everything has moved to my waist and my body looks different but only weighs a few pounds more. Who knows, still confused but life is rolling on, we'll see.


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## Saoirse (Jun 26, 2013)

It sucks to be teased and bullied, but I was thinking more physical aspects. I know a lot of people like to glide over it, but excessive weight causes problems.


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## Tad (Jun 26, 2013)

I have to agree with Saoirse here....I always advise people to stay as small as they feasibly can, given their body, personality, and desires. For some people this will be a lot larger than others, for some people this will be driven by what their bodies are willing to do, for others this will be driven more by what they desire. But whatever, try to stay at the low end of what you can handle.


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## detroit63 (Jul 18, 2013)

I posted earlier. This is helpful to find others with the same feelings that never go away. I will stay on the low end of the weight, but intend to gain a bit until it feels right.


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## yrmangledheart (Jun 9, 2016)

Interesting to find that shortly after this thread I slimmed down to 175lbs and here I am 3 years later, back at 210lb, back only fitting into large t-shirts, still conflicted, and still wondering about taking that next step to 225 or 240 or whatever. 

I guess the health thing is still an issue, I'm now 30, and back at my highest weight I feel tired and slow and stiff. I also feel constantly aroused and desperate to gorge. And STILL! worried about what other people will think. STILL! Argh.


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## NOLAman (Jun 19, 2016)

> Sometimes (and for a lot of people, most of the time) being fat sucks. You should think about it.



VERY true. As I know first hand, weight gain (intentional or not) is rarely a completely positive experience. To illustrate, my story, briefly, which has been told (mostly) here before:

When I married at age 52, I was muscular/athletic at 6'1", 175 lbs. I started gaining, at first unintentionally, like many newlyweds. After 20 lbs or so, I started to actually like the sensation of getting bigger, but was conflicted. When I reached 200, I was urged by my doctor to take off some weight, and decided to do so. I quickly realized that was easier said than done. I got down to 195 or so a couple of times, but seemed to shoot back up quickly if I wasn't starving myself, each time going up a little higher. I eventually realized that something had changed-my body had somehow adjusted to being fat, and losing weight would require an extreme commitment and lifestyle change. I decided I didn't want to do that, and just let things happen. And, I still kind of liked being bigger. I had more of a "presence" or swagger, or something.

Now at 57, and about 225 lbs, I've decided there are more positives than negatives about being fat for me. I have no intention of actively trying to lose weight. I still like the feeling, and love the experience of eating with my wife. (Luckily, she is clearly a bit of an FA, although she was was basically in the closet before we got married. Guess she saw some potential in me-LOL!) There aren't as many clothing options for fat guys, and I am on the edge of having to buy from "Big and Tall"-type stores. Many physical activities are much harder for me than they used to be, and I have mild hypertension. Although those things can be attributed partly to age, clearly the 50 extra lbs I've gained in the last 5 years have made a difference. 

In other words, once you start gaining it isn't that easy to stop, and there are some definite negatives, so I would urge anyone to think long and hard about it first.


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