# Disapointed in people



## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 23, 2005)

Hello peoples. Ya know I have to say Im disapointed by the by people today as far as size goes. I have been single for a lonngggg time as many know if you have talked with me and I've put my name up on countless FFA boards and even on here. Not one reply or anything except one I got from a girl saying I was a disgusting pig and didnt deserve to have anyone special in my life. You know that hurt me very deeply. Ya know Ive given up looking anymore. I have looked for so long I dont see a point in it anymore. I know there are some good people out there but I know the score. No one loves the fat guy. Ive been told over and over that if i wasnt fat id have a girl like that because im sweet sensitive, romantic and very caring. Ive been told I was a great catch. I am so tired of spending all my time alone. There are a few that ive met over the years from on here and other places that have tried to help me out with many failures. I guess unless you look like fabio or whoever you are destined to a lonely existance. People need to stop looking at whats outside and focus more on the inside. This world would be a much better place and not filled with egotistical, shallow, and self absorbed people. Sorry if this offends anyone but I just wanted to get it off my chest..


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## BBW Betty (Oct 23, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> No one loves the fat guy. Ive been told over and over that if i wasnt fat id have a girl like that because im sweet sensitive, romantic and very caring. Ive been told I was a great catch.




No one should take offense, wolf. This sounds remarkably like what my mother used to say: "Lose that weight so you can get a job and a man." Well, I found a rewarding job and a wonderful husband and am still a BBW at 350 pounds. It didn't happen until I was in my early 30s, but it did happen. I have since had to quit the job, but that's a totally unrelated story.

Being alone is so hard, I know. I was very envious when my younger sister got married before I did, and I had never even dated anyone. One thing I had to learn was develop my own interests and get out and meet people. I joined church activities, Future Farmers of America Alumni at the local schools, and stuff like that. Make yourself as happy and active as you can, and people will see what you have to offer.

I've been there, and know it's hard. I wish you the best.

Betty


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## Jack Skellington (Oct 23, 2005)

You probably would have gotten more responses on the BHM board.



NYbhwolf28 said:


> No one loves the fat guy.



Get over that. 

I'm thin and I'd say I've easily had far less dates than you. Plenty of people out there into whatever size a person is. Finding a person that clicks with your personality is the tough thing.

Buck up camper. Even with my dismal dating record I still believe there is someone out there for everyone.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 23, 2005)

Jack i think its safe to say i hold the record. Ive been alone now for 8 or 9 yrs consistantly. Can ya top that?


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## Jack Skellington (Oct 23, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> Jack i think its safe to say i hold the record. Ive been alone now for 8 or 9 yrs consistantly. Can ya top that?



Hah! That's nothing.

I've not had a date in over 15 years. I am the lord high muckity muck of datelessness!  

When I'm out and about shopping, I see plenty of heavy guys with ladies on their arms. It's not about size. It's about being lucky enough to find a person that really clicks with you. 

Be patient. Even I haven't given up.


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## Boteroesque Babe (Oct 23, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> No one loves the fat guy.



I used to have a fat male friend who maintained this was true. I told him, "Bob [not his real name], nobody will date you 'cause you're an _asshole_." 

Wolf, I'm sorry someone was ugly to you, and I'm sorry you feel ignored. Have you asserted yourself in these situations, or have you merely placed yourself where FFAs congregate and hoped one would chat you up? If not, my advice is that you try not to fret about women not approaching you, and _you_ approach _them_. Or better, drop the hunt altogether, and focus on having fun. People, including women, are generally drawn to those they see enjoying life.

There's a lid for every pot. Don't give up.

PS: Bob [still not his real name] lost weight and still couldn't snag a girlfriend. 'Cause he was still an asshole.


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## ataraxia (Oct 23, 2005)

Luck is the prime key. Opportunity is second. Confidence is another important one. There are so many people out there, and so many of them are incompatible, that just meeting the right person is extremely difficult - and then you have to get on properly, which is also related to the same factors.

There are, of course, things you can do to increase opportunity and confidence. Depending on your religious and metaphysical views, you may even be able to tweak luck - here I'm talking about things like prayer and magic. Magic has a special place in my heart, since it also increases confidence when it works (though I must admit it can hurt your opportunity if you spend too much time busy with it and not enough time out and about ).


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## Loscos (Oct 23, 2005)

Just get out and meet people, if you've got a great personality and carry yourself on it, should be no problem. Also luck is a key element, as very important element.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 23, 2005)

Thaks for the well intended advice so far and ive tried all that.. I just dont know what to do anymore. I get so lonely and heartsick it makes me wonder whats the point of anything anymore ...


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## Totmacher (Oct 23, 2005)

Oh, there's a point. Sounds like you're a little depressed. I hope that's not a symptom of a larger problem. Take heart, I'm a sweet and caring guy who is sometimes even thin and the majority of my life is one big dry spell. It's mostly about confidence and luck. Either you don't care about being rejected (confidence) and you increase your chances by jumping on every available opportunity or you wait until your lucky day and meet someone. I usually opt for the latter, hence the dry spells. You seem like a handsome/nice enough guy, for what it's worth I've got confidence I'll be jealous of you eventually.


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## TallFatSue (Oct 23, 2005)

Boteroesque Babe said:


> I used to have a fat male friend who maintained this was true. I told him, "Bob [not his real name], nobody will date you 'cause you're an _asshole_."
> 
> (snip)
> 
> PS: Bob [still not his real name] lost weight and still couldn't snag a girlfriend. 'Cause he was still an asshole.


Sometimes it's easy to blame problems on something other than the root cause. Sounds kinda like those skinny little bitches in Acapulco last February who got ticked off because a fat middle-aged woman like me managed to steal the attention away from them. One of them groused that it must be whale season down there, so I said "I see you're practising birth control -- with your personality." Likewise my distant cousin Bill (who once congratulated my husband for landing a fine whale) went through a nasty 3rd divorce last year. "Bill, if it's your 3rd divorce, maybe the problem is you."

Sue


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

My heart aches for you, sweetie. Truly. 

I don't have much to add. There have been a lot of insightful and helpful things said here in this thread already, so hopefully some of them may help. You sound so down that I'm very worried about you -- it may even be that you'd benefit from some counseling at this point. I've been in therapy on and off over the years and have benefited greatly from it when I'm in a particularly low period of my life. Sometimes it just helps to kick us out of an emotional rut, if that makes any sense. 

You're obviously such a sweetheart, and smart and creative and sensitive.... someday you're going to make some lucky girl very, very happy. I'm just so sorry that you're hurting now. 

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that things will change. Life won't always be this way. 

I promise.


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## Wayne_Zitkus (Oct 23, 2005)

Boteroesque Babe said:


> I used to have a fat male friend who maintained this was true. I told him, "Bob [not his real name], nobody will date you 'cause you're an _asshole_."
> 
> Wolf, I'm sorry someone was ugly to you, and I'm sorry you feel ignored. Have you asserted yourself in these situations, or have you merely placed yourself where FFAs congregate and hoped one would chat you up? If not, my advice is that you try not to fret about women not approaching you, and _you_ approach _them_. Or better, drop the hunt altogether, and focus on having fun. People, including women, are generally drawn to those they see enjoying life.
> 
> ...


 
I couldn't agree more, BB. 

You can't just expect Ms. (or Mr.) Right to magically appear - you have to make an effort. I remember before I met Sandie, when I used to go with my girlfriend at the time to singles dances for large people in Saddle Brook, NJ. There was a group od women who used to sit at the bar every Saturday Night and complain that "We never meet any men". My girlfriend would tell them that they needed to mingle - to walk around the room, because there were some unattached men there. Believe it or not, these women actually asked my girlfriend to bring the unattached men over to the bar for them!!! 

(BTW, after that girlfriend and I split up, I went to one of those dances in Saddle Brook. And that's when I met Sandie. That was in 1991, and we've been together ever since. And neither of us were really looking for someone at that point, having both just gotten out of bad relationships. Which goes to show that sometimes you find the right person when you stop looking.)


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## Jack Skellington (Oct 23, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> I just dont know what to do anymore. I get so lonely and heartsick it makes me wonder whats the point of anything anymore ...



I've been single MUCH longer than you and I'm still basically a happy person. Yes, it can be lonely at times and having a partner would be nice, but life goes on. 

The worst thing that you can do is fall into the trap of self pity. Misery breeds misery. Single or not, only you can make you happy. Being miserable and wrapped up and self pity won't do you any favors and certainly won't attract companionship.

My advice, pick yourself up, be happy and don't worry about dating for a while. 

Love never happens when we expect, or want, it too. But it does happen.


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## Egbert Souse (Oct 23, 2005)

Totmacher said:


> Oh, there's a point. Sounds like you're a little depressed. I hope that's not a symptom of a larger problem. Take heart, I'm a sweet and caring guy who is sometimes even thin and the majority of my life is one big dry spell. It's mostly about confidence and luck.
> 
> *thinks of those "barren years" and shivers*
> 
> Good post, Tot. I won't try to add a thing.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

While I'm not a relationship expert, one thing I do know is that insecurity is one of the biggest turnoffs for most women. I'm going to make some big generalizations here, but I've found this model useful.

I used to go about things the wrong way. I'd try to please a girl as best as I could. You know, sucking up, doing things for her, etc. I thought, if only I were a little _nicer_ she would like me. Of course, that got me nowhere. Women like strong, dominant, high status men. When you're excessively nice to a girl, or try to seek her approval in any way, you instantly give her higher status and she loses attraction for you. It's not something women can help -- it's just like how you'll always turn your head when you see a hot girl go walking by. That isn't to say you can't be a nice guy. Doing things for others and even complimenting is cool. But keep in mind that a woman knows *instantly* whether you're trying to get her approval. It's like they have an inborn radar.

Women say they want "sweet sensitive, romantic and very caring" men. They do! But not in an approval-seeking wussy. They want those qualities in a "Real Man". So what is a Real Man? First off, he's a man who has his life together. He's financially stable, emotionally stable, has his career together. He's "on his path". That path could be anything from being the best ball player he can be to politics to mastering a musical instrument. The key thing is he has a sense of direction in life and can be a stable rock for her when she needs it.

I find that rather ironic as men are the emotionally weaker half of the species. We are so easily swayed by a beautiful female. Just about every man knows what I'm talking about. Women, when they see a very attractive man, don't lose their composure. Women, sooner or later, as they're growing up, figure out they have this power over men. The more attractive they are, the more men they have chasing after them... the more men they have willing to do things for her to win her approval. There's no challenge in that, and such men are a dime a dozen. It's human nature to not want something that can be had easily. One measure of a strong man is his ability to resist strong female energy.

You have to change your perspective. You need to start thinking of yourself as the prize, not women. And if you're asking yourself, "what about me is a prize?" you need to figure it out or work on being someone who really is a prize to be had. I used to go around, obsessing over pretty girls. I'm sure most men who are largely unsuccessful with women do the same. And I'm sure they're familiar with the low returns on that strategy.

Instead, I know I am someone worth having. I'm reasonably good looking (when I remember to shave haha). I'm intelligent, clever, witty. I'm sympathetic. I don't panic. I also know where I'm headed in life. I keep my standards high, for myself and those around me. I live my life by principles. Of course, I am only human, and I do slip more often than I like... but I am always improving.

The world is *full* of beautiful, sexy women, even if you are picky. I've seen hundreds, if not thousands in my life. And I'm not talking stereotypically beautiful women -- I'm talking women that were what hot to me. But real men, men that have their lives together, are RARE. That's why you always hear women complaining that they can't find a Real Man. They'll settle for an asshole because they're sexually drawn to his masculin energy, even though he's not a nice fellow. On an intellectual level, it seems so confusing, but when you consider he sates a biological urge, it makes total sense. You may notice that amazing women, hot women who have their lives together, are often single -- they simple can't find a man to meet their standards.

Luckily for us men, we can change who we are. We can become what women want, and at the same time, improve our lives. I am so greatful for that. By being the best I can, and getting rid of my approval seeking behaviour, I've already seen massive changes. Women want me now. 

Women aren't so lucky though. As men, we're very much physically driven. A woman can't easily change her facial features, her bone structure, or where she carries her weight. That's why the beauty industry is so huge and why women spend twenty three hours in the bathroom before they go out. They're trying to compete with all the other women for the few Real Men.

You may say this sounds a tad manipulative, but it's not. I say trying to win favour by doing nice things, buying gifts, always being there, etc., is manipulative. 

There's a whole lot more to this that I just don't have time to get into right now. It's fascinating though!


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## ataraxia (Oct 23, 2005)

To the topic starter: Consider what else is valuable in life besides women. Most of us are "dried up" in that department (or so it seems), but we are usually not depressed. The Interior Life is key. Jack has the right idea here.

To Phalloidium: This was an amazing post. This is longer than some essays I've written. I think you're fundamentally in agreement with my last post - you understand what it means to program yourself, and how it can be used to great impact on others. There's a feedback loop here too - when confidence works for you, then you become more confident.


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## SocialbFly (Oct 23, 2005)

it may be a cliche, but it is true....you gotta kiss a lot of frogs (or frogettes in your case) to meet your prince (princess) i have been single for all of my 46 years, feeling sorry for ourselves does nothing, although we all go through that from time to time...being the person you can respect and love is a person someone else can respect and love...try loving yourself, your plusses your minusess for a start and you will be lots happier...i am not perfect by any means, but i am far happier at 46 with who i am and what i have done...than i was years ago...and happiness attracts people, no one wants to be with a sad sack...hold your head up high, make yourself happy, the rest i promise WILL follow, and if it doesnt follow quickly, heck, at least you will be happy


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> While I'm not a relationship expert, one thing I do know is that insecurity is one of the biggest turnoffs for most women. I'm going to make some big generalizations here, but I've found this model useful.



I'm thoroughly blown away by this reply of yours, Phalloidium. Talk about thought-provoking.... you actually helped me to consider and come to some realizations about who/what I find attractive and why. 

Thanks so much for posting this -- I think everyone could benefit from reading it.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

ataraxia said:


> To Phalloidium: This was an amazing post. This is longer than some essays I've written. I think you're fundamentally in agreement with my last post - you understand what it means to program yourself, and how it can be used to great impact on others. There's a feedback loop here too - when confidence works for you, then you become more confident.



Thank you. It took me a long time to figure this out. I think it's important to help others where I can.


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## ataraxia (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> Thank you. It took me a long time to figure this out. I think it's important to help others where I can.


You probably ought to polish this up and repost it as a new thread. It's certainly much better than my offering for this weekend.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Carrie said:


> I'm thoroughly blown away by this reply of yours, Phalloidium. Talk about thought-provoking.... you actually helped me to consider and come to some realizations about who/what I find attractive and why.
> 
> Thanks so much for posting this -- I think everyone could benefit from reading it.



It's empowering, isn't it?


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

ataraxia said:


> You probably ought to polish this up and repost it as a new thread. It's certainly much better than my offering for this weekend.



Perhaps another time.


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## Michelle (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium, have you been reading David DeAngelo? I came across his web page a few months back when searching for something else. Here's a link ...

http://www.doubleyourdatingmethod.com/


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Michelle said:


> Phalloidium, have you been reading David DeAngelo? I came across his web page a few months back when searching for something else. Here's a link ...
> 
> http://www.doubleyourdatingmethod.com/



Yes. That man is a god. A lot of what he talks about I've been learning from other sources, that is, taking ownership of one's life and whatnot, but he does an excellent job of relating it to women. Best investment any man who doesn't get women can make. It's worth thrice every penny.


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## Jack Skellington (Oct 23, 2005)

Phallodium

I personally think it's not that complicated and there is no stereotype to what men or women look for in partners. 

Whether a person is fat or thin or short or tall or rich or poor or ugly or pretty or macho or timid or nice or a jerk or nerdy or cool or confident or insecure and so on, they still will find someone that likes them. There really is no rhyme or reason to why people love who they do. Sometimes people just click and sometimes they don't.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Jack Skellington said:


> Phallodium
> 
> I personally think it's not that complicated and there is no stereotype to what men or women look for in partners.
> 
> Whether a person is fat or thin or short or tall or rich or poor or ugly or pretty or macho or timid or nice or a jerk or nerdy or cool or confident or insecure and so on, they still will find someone that likes them. There really is no rhyme or reason to why people love who they do. Sometimes people just click and sometimes they don't.



Like I mentioned in the long post, I find that model useful for myself. Others may have other techniques that bring success to them.


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## Michelle (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> Yes. That man is a god. A lot of what he talks about I've been learning from other sources, that is, taking ownership of one's life and whatnot, but he does an excellent job of relating it to women. Best investment any man who doesn't get women can make. It's worth thrice every penny.


 
Don't you think what he suggests is more bluffing than anything else? I read his pages after happening on his web page and found a lot of what he wrote fairly distasteful. I guess it might have worked when I was younger - not sure. But that stuff sure wouldn't work now. The only thing he says that truly resonates with me is the self-confidence thing. The rest is just a little too manipulative for my tastes. I find nothing wrong with a "nice" guy. Am I in the minority on this?


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Michelle said:


> Don't you think what he suggests is more bluffing than anything else? I read his pages after happening on his web page and found a lot of what he wrote fairly distasteful. I guess it might have worked when I was younger - not sure. But that stuff sure wouldn't work now. The only thing he says that truly resonates with me is the self-confidence thing. The rest is just a little too manipulative for my tastes. I find nothing wrong with a "nice" guy. Am I in the minority on this?



I don't believe any of it is bluffing. Why? I've taken a lot of what he teaches and put it into practice -- and the changes in my results blew me away. I can look back at every interaction I've ever had with a woman and make sense of it now.

If you're just reading his newsletters or the promotional material on his site, you're not getting the whole story. He designs those so people get a taste and have to pay to get the rest.

So what about nice guys? When they're not seeking approval and aren't whining about how they never have a girlfriend, they're great people and make good _friends_. That's the key. I suppose some women just want a nice friend, but I can say confidently that most want a sexually aggressive male, too. Not everyone is the same, of course.

What is it about his materials that you find manipulative or distasteful?


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## TallFatSue (Oct 23, 2005)

SocialbFly said:


> it may be a cliche, but it is true....you gotta kiss a lot of frogs (or frogettes in your case) to meet your prince (princess)





Jack Skellington said:


> I personally think it's not that complicated and there is no stereotype to what men or women look for in partners.
> 
> Whether a person is fat or thin or short or tall or rich or poor or ugly or pretty or macho or timid or nice or a jerk or nerdy or cool or confident or insecure and so on, they still will find someone that likes them. There really is no rhyme or reason to why people love who they do. Sometimes people just click and sometimes they don't.


My problem was that I kissed numerous frogs without success, but I finally hit the jackpot when I kissed a horse's ass and he turned into Mr. Right! Somehow we just clicked, despite all the fat jokes he launched at me after we first met, and his professed dislike of fat girls. This was one romance out of a screwball comedy, and now he loves me just as I am. Sometimes the right one is where you least expect it.


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## Michelle (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium:

If his stuff is working for you, that's great. I don't have the time or inclination to go into detail about what I find distasteful about his stuff. There's really no reason. I just feel that much of his hype comes across as being dishonest to "get the girl" --- to mean one thing but say another (or act the opposite of the way you feel). 

One of his big things is that if you see a woman you're interested in you should act disinterested. That's a bluff to me. If you don't recognize that, then you're getting something from him I didn't see in his website. I also find calling men who don't act a certain way "wussy" distasteful. Nice guys can be very appealing in many ways, including sexually.

There you have it. Best of luck to you in your quest.

Michelle


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Michelle said:


> Phalloidium:
> 
> If his stuff is working for you, that's great. I don't have the time or inclination to go into detail about what I find distasteful about his stuff. There's really no reason. I just feel that much of his hype comes across as being dishonest to "get the girl" --- to mean one thing but say another (or act the opposite of the way you feel).



I can see where you get the vibe. I think a lot of that is born out of necessity to just get things started.



> One of his big things is that if you see a woman you're interested in you should act disinterested. That's a bluff to me. If you don't recognize that, then you're getting something from him I didn't see in his website. I also find calling men who don't act a certain way "wussy" distasteful. Nice guys can be very appealing in many ways, including sexually.



Ahh. I think what he's getting at there is for guys to not act like the girl they're interested in is the center of the universe. If she's an attractive girl, used to having ten men a day come up to her in that way, he doesn't stand a chance. So he has to be different, to stand out. That's the reasoning there, anyway.

He uses the term "wussy" to describe approval-seeking, confidence-lacking men. It's not so much what they don't do, but what they do do that turns most women off of them. Is there a better word you can think of?


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## Jes (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> I can see where you get the vibe. I think a lot of that is born out of necessity to just get things started.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How would he factor me in, a woman who has never been close to being conventionally attactive, has never been sought after in large numbers, has never had men trying to behave and impressin front of her . Ever.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Jes said:


> How would he factor me in, a woman who has never been close to being conventionally attactive, has never been sought after in large numbers, has never had men trying to behave and impressin front of her . Ever.



I can't speak for him, but he does say the strategies are different. In my own experience, women who have not been sought after tend to disbelieve when someone actively pursues them.


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

Here's how I feel re. the male confidence issue. I know that there all sorts of sociological and psychological theories about how women are attracted to strong men because they're (supposedly) likely to be good providers, reproducers, etc., thereby improving our chances of continuing our genetics. Or that secretly women want to be subjugated or dominated or whatever. It's too late in the evening for me to make intelligent comments about all that (though they're very interesting arguments), but my last experience with a guy lacking self-confidence was quite telling, I thought. 

He was a very sweet guy, and we were getting to know each other online and on the phone for a month or so before we planned to meet. When we began talking about meeting, he became obviously distressed at the notion of me seeing him and my reaction to his size (he was a BHM). And when I say distressed, I mean very, very anxious, despite my assurances that I didn't care how big he was, I was just looking forward to spending time with him. 

I'm sad to say that it got to the point where I felt compelled to cancel our plans. See, I had just recently begun to make real progress in accepting and making peace with my own fat body, and I realized that I wasn't prepared to deal with somebody who hadn't yet done the same with their own. It would have been a constant reminder of how horrendous I used to feel all the time, and the accompanying sadness, annoyance, and impatience would have been a huge strain on the relationship. 

That having been said, I'm sure there are other times when I'm attracted to confident men because they look they they can build a mean fire, bring home a nice wooly mammoth for dinner, then sling me over their shoulder and have their caveman way with me.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Carrie said:


> That having been said, I'm sure there are other times when I'm attracted to confident men because they look they they can build a mean fire, bring home a nice wooly mammoth for dinner, then sling me over their shoulder and have their caveman way with me.



ME KILL BEAR WITH BARE HANDS! RRWWWARRR!!!


You know, there is something savagely appealing about that.


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> ME KILL BEAR WITH BARE HANDS! RRWWWARRR!!!
> 
> 
> You know, there is something savagely appealing about that.



I know! I should totally write a book.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Carrie said:


> I know! I should totally write a book.



I think I'll go tear apart a pillow!


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> I think I'll go tear apart a pillow!



Damn you, you made me giggle again. 

Quit it.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Carrie said:


> Damn you, you made me giggle again.
> 
> Quit it.



Watch out. You're next on my list


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 23, 2005)

You know i think its great ive caused such a though provoking responce. Im happyto see so many people interested. Yes I am depressed ill be the first one to admit it but ya know im doing everything I can right now about that and thats not even an issue as far as im concerned. My issue is what is so wrong with me that repells woman of anykind. Im sweet, romantic, loyal, compassionate, sensitive, I listen.. I just dont get it.. 
I dont expect a lot from someone except acceptance and to love me back. thats it. If i had a penny for everytime ive heard your a sweet guy I just wanna be friends or im sorry youll find someone Id be rich. And as for confidence thats something you get when your successful and life doesnt kick you in the teeth everytime you turn around. There are some days I dont even want to get up because I know it will be the same thing .. I cant take it anymore. Ive tried all over to get help.. my doctor is worthless.. the system is worthless.. I dont know what to do anymore.. I got discrimnated against at my old job and not one person would help me.. not even ones dedicated to people like us..I called and tried to get in touch with every organization i could including a nationally recognized lobbist organization that ussually spearheads this sort of thing where people of robust carriage are involved.. not even a reply. It really is disheartening.


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> Watch out. You're next on my list



<yawn> You don't scare me.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 23, 2005)

Carrie said:


> <yawn> You don't scare me.



Rule number one: DO NOT TAUNT THE SAVAGE.


You might not live through it hahaha


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## Carrie (Oct 23, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> You know i think its great ive caused such a though provoking responce. Im happyto see so many people interested. Yes I am depressed ill be the first one to admit it but ya know im doing everything I can right now about that and thats not even an issue as far as im concerned. My issue is what is so wrong with me that repells woman of anykind. Im sweet, romantic, loyal, compassionate, sensitive, I listen.. I just dont get it..
> I dont expect a lot from someone except acceptance and to love me back. thats it. If i had a penny for everytime ive heard your a sweet guy I just wanna be friends or im sorry youll find someone Id be rich. And as for confidence thats something you get when your successful and life doesnt kick you in the teeth everytime you turn around. There are some days I dont even want to get up because I know it will be the same thing .. I cant take it anymore. Ive tried all over to get help.. my doctor is worthless.. the system is worthless.. I dont know what to do anymore.. I got discrimnated against at my old job and not one person would help me.. not even ones dedicated to people like us..I called and tried to get in touch with every organization i could including a nationally recognized lobbist organization that ussually spearheads this sort of thing where people of robust carriage are involved.. not even a reply. It really is disheartening.




Eeek! Now I feel incredibly tacky for getting my flirt on in your thread, I'm sorry.  

Wolf, if you're feeling chronically hopeless, don't worry about all this other stuff. You need to get yourself some professional help, and now. That's not a healthy or natural state to be in, and you need help. Please believe me when I say that there's no shame in that. If you're clinically depressed, you're not going to make any progress on confidence and feeling more positive about things without help - that's the bottom line here. 

I'm so glad you reached out to us, and I hope some things we said will be of help. Please hang in there, and ask for help. 

~Carrie


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## Phalloidium (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> You know i think its great ive caused such a though provoking responce. Im happyto see so many people interested. Yes I am depressed ill be the first one to admit it but ya know im doing everything I can right now about that and thats not even an issue as far as im concerned. My issue is what is so wrong with me that repells woman of anykind. Im sweet, romantic, loyal, compassionate, sensitive, I listen.. I just dont get it..
> I dont expect a lot from someone except acceptance and to love me back. thats it. If i had a penny for everytime ive heard your a sweet guy I just wanna be friends or im sorry youll find someone Id be rich. And as for confidence thats something you get when your successful and life doesnt kick you in the teeth everytime you turn around. There are some days I dont even want to get up because I know it will be the same thing .. I cant take it anymore. Ive tried all over to get help.. my doctor is worthless.. the system is worthless.. I dont know what to do anymore.. I got discrimnated against at my old job and not one person would help me.. not even ones dedicated to people like us..I called and tried to get in touch with every organization i could including a nationally recognized lobbist organization that ussually spearheads this sort of thing where people of robust carriage are involved.. not even a reply. It really is disheartening.



I've been there. Things changed for me once I decided to take control. I'm still bipolar, but I don't let it rule my life. While things might seem hopeless, perhaps you can give someone else hope. One thing that helped me through was helping others. I made some great friends through that experiene, too.


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## Jes (Oct 24, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> I've been there. Things changed for me once I decided to take control. I'm still bipolar, but I don't let it rule my life. While things might seem hopeless, perhaps you can give someone else hope. One thing that helped me through was helping others. I made some great friends through that experiene, too.



Bipolar. That's a lot to deal with.

And to Wolf:

Some talk therapy (esp. cognitive), some drug therapy...it's all worth trying. I'm not saying external things don't stink, but like others here have said, work on yourself first. You're worth it.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

ive tried to get help .. my doctor says its all because of my weight and so did the shrink.. Im trying to loose because i am not happy .. I dont want this body or this life.. I feel trapped and I have no one to turn to and no where to go...


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## Phalloidium (Oct 24, 2005)

Jes said:


> Bipolar. That's a lot to deal with.



It can be, especially if you don't understand it.



> And to Wolf:
> 
> Some talk therapy (esp. cognitive), some drug therapy...it's all worth trying. I'm not saying external things don't stink, but like others here have said, work on yourself first. You're worth it.



Absolutely. The biggest thing for me was to find _something_ worthwhile and to go from there.


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## Carrie (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> ive tried to get help .. my doctor says its all because of my weight and so did the shrink.. Im trying to loose because i am not happy .. I dont want this body or this life.. I feel trapped and I have no one to turn to and no where to go...




The exact same thing happened to me when I sought help the first time. Your doctor and your shrink are full of crap. 

Get new ones.


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## Jes (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> ive tried to get help .. my doctor says its all because of my weight and so did the shrink.. Im trying to loose because i am not happy .. I dont want this body or this life.. I feel trapped and I have no one to turn to and no where to go...




All i can suggest is that you try more doctors until you get one who will treat you. That's their job, though they don't always do it (or do it well). I also know that when you're depressed, it's hard as hell to make a plan and carry it out. I know that from experience. So, babysteps. You mention having some friends, can you get any support there? I've had friends call Docs for me to set up appts (not out of depression but out of not wanting everyone in my office to know who I was seeing and why) and I've done the same for others (who were too depressed to it themselves). If you're willing, ask your friends or even your family to help if you think they would.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

would that i could aford it Carrie..


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## Jes (Oct 24, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> It can be, especially if you don't understand it.
> 
> 
> 
> Absolutely. The biggest thing for me was to find _something_ worthwhile and to go from there.



Try some pharmaceutical grade Omega 3 with a 2 to 1 EPA to DHA ratio. It'll make you feel like a giggling schoolgirl again!


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

friends .. i havent seen a one of them in over a year or gotten replies to my calls .. Im pretty much a blank on that front and I dont really have any family that would help.. most of them are gone or dead.. or we just dont associate.. my own brother doesnt even have anything to do with me.. I just want it all to end


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## Phalloidium (Oct 24, 2005)

Jes said:


> Try some pharmaceutical grade Omega 3 with a 2 to 1 EPA to DHA ratio. It'll make you feel like a giggling schoolgirl again!



Or I could just slurp a fish 

Actually, I feel great. I've learned to control things completely with my though. The only time I have trouble is the elongated highs. After several days of next to no sleep, a very low dose of Wellbutrin will knock me down enough to get some rest.

Besides, I laugh enough as it is... shhhhh.


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## Jes (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> friends .. i havent seen a one of them in over a year or gotten replies to my calls .. Im pretty much a blank on that front and I dont really have any family that would help.. most of them are gone or dead.. or we just dont associate.. my own brother doesnt even have anything to do with me.. I just want it all to end




I may not be the best person to counsel you otherwise. I suppose I feel it's your choice. Know what I mean? There is, however, a reason that people have distanced themselves from you, I'd gather. Maybe you can think about what reason that might be, and approach your issues from that point of view. Other than that, good luck to you.


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## Jes (Oct 24, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> Or I could just slurp a fish
> 
> Actually, I feel great. I've learned to control things completely with my though. The only time I have trouble is the elongated highs. After several days of next to no sleep, a very low dose of Wellbutrin will knock me down enough to get some rest.
> 
> Besides, I laugh enough as it is... shhhhh.




look at you, laughing, using mind control to cure your ills, telling us women are into you. I think you're on a high RIGHT NOW!  Like that form where they ask manics: Have you felt sexier lately? haha. Someone should fill in: Well, just LOOK AT ME!


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

Jes said:


> I may not be the best person to counsel you otherwise. I suppose I feel it's your choice. Know what I mean? There is, however, a reason that people have distanced themselves from you, I'd gather. Maybe you can think about what reason that might be, and approach your issues from that point of view. Other than that, good luck to you.



we just arent a close knit family. I dont even know my own father personally.. I have never uttered one word to him in my life and hes never bothered to speak to me.. Thats just how we are.. Most of my fmily was old when i was growing up so they are all dead.. I never knew my mothers mother cause she died before i was old enough to get to spend anytime with her..Its just been one thing after another in our lives.. things start looking up then its a boot to the head..


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## Phalloidium (Oct 24, 2005)

Jes said:


> look at you, laughing, using mind control to cure your ills, telling us women are into you. I think you're on a high RIGHT NOW!  Like that form where they ask manics: Have you felt sexier lately? haha. Someone should fill in: Well, just LOOK AT ME!



A mild high, perhaps 

My moods change with great frequency. I tend to notice the physiological changes more readily though.


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## Phalloidium (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> we just arent a close knit family. I dont even know my own father personally.. I have never uttered one word to him in my life and hes never bothered to speak to me.. Thats just how we are.. Most of my fmily was old when i was growing up so they are all dead.. I never knew my mothers mother cause she died before i was old enough to get to spend anytime with her..Its just been one thing after another in our lives.. things start looking up then its a boot to the head..



My mom's father shot himself before I was born. I saw my mom's mother maybe a couple times in my life. I've seen my mom and my dad once each in the last year.

Will you let your circumstances hold you back, or will you do something to change them?


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## Zoom (Oct 24, 2005)

Jack Skellington said:


> I've not had a date in over 15 years. I am the lord high muckity muck of datelessness!


Bleah, I have just dethroned you (not that I wanted to). I have never had a date in my entire life, but just counting adulthood makes it 16½ years now.


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## Fat Gary NYC (Oct 24, 2005)

I'm so glad this thread was started... I'm going through a lot of the problems NYbhwolf28 (the original poster) described.

I want to say more but as I write the drafts, I find it hard to write and I wind up erasing what I've typed.

In my case, I don't make a lot of money, I've been screwed out of promotions, I still live "at home" with my widowed father, I never learned to drive (I was always too scared), I was taught that everyone else is right and I'm wrong... geez, I had a messed-up childhood and teen years, not to mention young adulthood... my parents were always overprotective and not at all supportive... I didn't get good guidance from my parents or at school, all I learned was to shut up and sit down... when my mother died my father bought the plot next to theirs for me, and I swear, that's the _first_ time he ever did anything to plan for my future...

Probably the biggest problem I've got, though, is the fact that in addition to being over 300 pounds, is that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome. AS is a high-functioning form of Autism, which severely impairs a person's ability to be social. As a result, I _see_ what's out there, I _see_ everyone else making friends, hooking up with each other, forming relationships, but I'm unable to do so... and I _know_ that I'm missing out on something good, so that really hurts. Seeing people right in front of me enjoying something that I want so desperately, yet knowing that I can never enjoy it myself... 

I hurt just as much as someone who's in a wheelchair... the difference is that with someone in a wheelchair you _know_ something's wrong, and you cut them a little slack, or give them a little sympathy, or whatever... with AS, it's all in the mind, so I "look" normal, and I'm held to the same standards as everyone else even though I've got difficulties "normal" people don't have. If I _have_ to have a mental illness I wish it was one that made me unaware of what was going on... there are some situations were ignorance _is_ bliss...

I'm sure that on those few occasions where I _do_ talk to a woman I might be interested in - and let's face it, at my stage that's just about _anybody_ - I'm sure I also give out a "vibe" of desperation, and I _know_ that's a big turn-off. Needless to say I don't date (although I'd like to)... and yes, I'm still a virgin... a 43-year-old virgin...  (If it were by choice that would be okay, but it's not, so it isn't.  )

I _have_ done some volunteer work, currently I'm volunteering for a non-profit organization that's involved with something I'm passionate about... they like my work so much that they've "promoted" me, I'm in a position of quasi-authority there, and I have the opportunity to meet prominent names in the field... but a lot of times instead of participating in the organization's events I wind up preferring the solitude of sitting in the back room doing organization work... there was one event that was designed as a networking social for people who wanted to work in our field, and I just couldn't get myself to mingle... I just visited with the other volunteers who I already knew, and that was for just a short period of time...

Sometimes I wish I could meet a Michael Landon "Highway To Heaven" guy who'll help me get my life sorted out so that everything ends happily ever after... but that just happens on TV...

I'm 43 years old, and I'm not at all happy with my life... I feel so cheated that I just want to give up, just stop going to work, just stop going to anywhere, and just "go away"... if nothing else, thanks to NYbhwolf28 for starting this thread, it gives me a chance to get on the pity pot  ...


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## Jack Skellington (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> My issue is what is so wrong with me that repells woman of anykind.



I repel a lot of people. It has it's perks.  

Seriously now, there are a LOT of single people and they aren't single because they are hideous or something. They are single because they haven't clicked with the right person. 

If you are this unhappy there are deeper problems than just being single. Like others have said getting counseling is good idea. Remember, if you can't make yourself happy you can't expect to make another person happy.

Best of luck to you.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

Fat Gary NYC said:


> I'm so glad this thread was started... I'm going through a lot of the problems NYbhwolf28 (the original poster) described.
> 
> I want to say more but as I write the drafts, I find it hard to write and I wind up erasing what I've typed.
> 
> ...



thre is plenty of room for everyone. I didnt start this for that intention though ..


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## Tina (Oct 24, 2005)

What was your intention in starting the thread, Wolf?

Gary, I'm sorry you are so miserable. Someone I care about has a different problem than the Aspergers, but it serves as a profound disability in his life -- a hidden one, like yours. He is about 400 lbs, and has a hard time with many aspects of life that it affects, which is pretty much everything, including his ability to hold down a job. Society expects people to fit into a nice, neat little box, and when we don't, we're labelled "Undesirable," and lots of other nasty little things.

I hope that things come along for you. Sometimes it can take longer than one expects for things to happen for them, and I hope it does for you.


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## BBW Betty (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> ive tried to get help .. my doctor says its all because of my weight and so did the shrink.. Im trying to loose because i am not happy .. I dont want this body or this life.. I feel trapped and I have no one to turn to and no where to go...




OK--Here goes. It's true there are many size-phobic medical professionals who will see nothing except fat. It is IMPERATIVE that you find a new doctor and shrink. Someone who will look beyond your size to determine an appropriate course of action and/or meds.

Next, YOU must take responsibilty for your outlook and how you present yourself. This is probably the hardest thing to do. When you meet someone you like, do you become clingy? I know from experience, this sends a love interest running and running hard. 

If you can't make yourself happy, no one else can make you happy.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

My intention was to get some advice and insiight which people have been very giving. I also wanted to see if anyone else shared my views on things . I Have to say I never expected this responce. Im rather shocked and very pleased. I hope the advice given here helps many others as well as myself.


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## TallFatSue (Oct 24, 2005)

BBW Betty said:


> OK--Here goes. It's true there are many size-phobic medical professionals who will see nothing except fat. It is IMPERATIVE that you find a new doctor and shrink. Someone who will look beyond your size to determine an appropriate course of action and/or meds.
> 
> Next, YOU must take responsibilty for your outlook and how you present yourself. This is probably the hardest thing to do. When you meet someone you like, do you become clingy? I know from experience, this sends a love interest running and running hard.
> 
> If you can't make yourself happy, no one else can make you happy.


Grrrr, that is soooo true. One doctor was so fat-phobic that if I went to see him about a headache, he would ignore the meteor lodged in my skull and tell me I was too fat. So I found me a new doctor who happens to be a bit plump herself and she has been excellent. Yes we agree that obesity has certain health risks but they can be managed, particularly given my good vital signs. So whenever I've had a health concern, she has honed in on the root cause and she doesn't pressure me to lose weight. As a result, I have regular checkups so I'm probably a lot healthier than many thin people who might abuse their health because they don't view themselves at risk. The only thing my doctor has cautioned me about is my eating habits. I get the hiccups pretty often (generally about an hour after meals), and once I developed a full-blown case in her office so luckily she could examine me "in the act". She said that it might be the pressure of my fat against my diaphragm which triggers them, but more likely I eat too much or too fast. Or both. Guilty as charged! Well I've tried eating less and my doctor is probably right, but I just can't help myself (blush) ... so ... let's just say I made an informed decision and learned to accept hiccups as a normal part of my digestive process. And if hubby likes the extra jiggles, then maybe there are some redeeming qualities anyway. 

No doubt about it. Life is what you make of it, and I'm just playing the hand I was dealt (with a deck loaded with jokers).

Sue


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## DaBigLadyBug (Oct 24, 2005)

Well said Phalloidium!
I so remember those days of trying to please a man before even knowing what it was that i wanted besides just not wanting to be alone,i was more worried about the fact that others seen me always alone,so i i would settle for anything,i mean ANYTHING.
I thought making someone else happy would make me happy,little did i know that a real man wanted someone that was happy themselves and in time that came as well,but it only came when i gave up looking for someone,i sat down and found out what was really wrong with me........yes i had things wrong with me.....lol that was hard to find out!
When i sat down to look at myself then i seen that i was not happy being who i was,i learned that the fat was not why i was not happy there were past things in my life that was causing that,instead of placing a band-aid over what really needed to be opened up,clean the wound and sew it back up.
i always used the fat as why i could not get a man,keep a man and be happy all at the same time,but its hard to be happy when you don't start that way.
I started living my life for me,NO one but me,i worked on fixing who i was,it finally clicked with me that i could not love a man or even anyone till i loved who i was,when i felt strong enough and ready for man in my life(that took me 3 yrs) i wrote down what it was that i wanted in a man,what i would not want in a man and what it was that i could live with in a man,i was not going to just settle anymore,i set out to find a husband and that was what i wanted,i did not date others that i felt were not going to ever fill those shoe's,i at that point was living by a saying"I would rather be alone for the right reason's,then with someone for the wrong"!
Being alone was never easy for me,till i made the choice to be alone,i had to be with myself,it never meant sitting home,pouting unless that was what i needed at the time,i went out met men,but i know that i was not ready for them in my life at that time,but a little flirting helped,seeing that i was wanted helped me more,i still remember the first man that asked me for my number,i said"thanks for the offer but right now i have someone in my life"he said "OOOOOOO i'm sorry you have a man already" I said"NOPE,i have me!"he looked at me like i was a B**ch,at that time i would have explained to him that i was taking time for me in my life,you know that trying not to hurt his feelings thing,but i felt for once in my life it was not his or anyones bbusinessto know what i was doing,why i was doing it.

Wolf,Gary and everyone else feeling alone,I know that you will find someone,there is someone out there for you as there is for everyone,i guess what i'm saying,is enjoy who you are right now,i know its not easy at all and just know that your really never alone,when your with yourself!


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> would that i could aford it Carrie..



I'm assuming this means you don't have medical insurance?

There are therapists out there who work on a sliding fee scale, depending on your income. Around here sometimes as low as $15 per visit. Are you working at all? If not, do you qualify for any sort of state or federal assistance?

Here's a link to the fat friendly health professionals list. Many of them in New York!

http://cat-and-dragon.com/stef/fat/ffp.html


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

Jack Skellington said:


> I've been single MUCH longer than you and I'm still basically a happy person. Yes, it can be lonely at times and having a partner would be nice, but life goes on.
> 
> The worst thing that you can do is fall into the trap of self pity. Misery breeds misery. Single or not, only you can make you happy. Being miserable and wrapped up and self pity won't do you any favors and certainly won't attract companionship.
> 
> My advice, pick yourself up, be happy and don't worry about dating for a while.



This is great advice!


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> You can't just expect Ms. (or Mr.) Right to magically appear - you have to make an effort. I remember before I met Sandie, when I used to go with my girlfriend at the time to singles dances for large people in Saddle Brook, NJ. There was a group od women who used to sit at the bar every Saturday Night and complain that "We never meet any men". My girlfriend would tell them that they needed to mingle - to walk around the room, because there were some unattached men there. Believe it or not, these women actually asked my girlfriend to bring the unattached men over to the bar for them!!!



While I thoroughly agree that one can't just expect a guy magically appear, I don't tend to approach men. If they aren't both interested enough *and* self-confident enough to approach me first, I am not likely to be interested. I wouldn't ask someone to bring them over to the bar for me though 

I don't go to BBW dances anymore either. 5 men and 200 women doesn't make for great odds.


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

Zoom said:


> Bleah, I have just dethroned you (not that I wanted to). I have never had a date in my entire life, but just counting adulthood makes it 16½ years now.



How many women have you asked out? Do you *want* to date?


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> Women say they want "sweet sensitive, romantic and very caring" men. They do! But not in an approval-seeking wussy. They want those qualities in a "Real Man". So what is a Real Man? First off, he's a man who has his life together. He's financially stable, emotionally stable, has his career together. He's "on his path". That path could be anything from being the best ball player he can be to politics to mastering a musical instrument. The key thing is he has a sense of direction in life and can be a stable rock for her when she needs it.



Yep, yep, yep. That's what I'm looking for. Oh, and he has to be able to deal with the cat rescue too. 



> You have to change your perspective. You need to start thinking of yourself as the prize, not women. And if you're asking yourself, "what about me is a prize?" you need to figure it out or work on being someone who really is a prize to be had. I used to go around, obsessing over pretty girls. I'm sure most men who are largely unsuccessful with women do the same. And I'm sure they're familiar with the low returns on that strategy.



I'd say this goes for all people, male as well as female 




> The world is *full* of beautiful, sexy women, even if you are picky. I've seen hundreds, if not thousands in my life. And I'm not talking stereotypically beautiful women -- I'm talking women that were what hot to me. But real men, men that have their lives together, are RARE. That's why you always hear women complaining that they can't find a Real Man. They'll settle for an asshole because they're sexually drawn to his masculin energy, even though he's not a nice fellow. On an intellectual level, it seems so confusing, but when you consider he sates a biological urge, it makes total sense.



Yes, this has definitely happened to me. Often. I just love that charisma, that self-confidence, even if the guy it is attached to is not very nice at all. It is something I am working on for myself, picking men who treat me better 




> There's a whole lot more to this that I just don't have time to get into right now. It's fascinating though!



I hope you will have time to get into more later, as it is quite fascinating


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

Phalloidium said:


> Ahh. I think what he's getting at there is for guys to not act like the girl they're interested in is the center of the universe. If she's an attractive girl, used to having ten men a day come up to her in that way, he doesn't stand a chance. So he has to be different, to stand out. That's the reasoning there, anyway.



No doubt! I'm used to guys getting really handsy with me after the first date (or before, if they can get away with it). So when I went out with my recent ex for the first time and he didn't so much as shake my hand after the date, I figured he wasn't interested, but then he kept asking me out. We went out quite a few times before he attempted to touch me in any way, and I was puzzled, confused, and very, very intrigued. :smitten:


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## ataraxia (Oct 24, 2005)

Mr. Wolf, you sound like the sort that might have some fun over here. It's not really on topic for this discussion, except that it's something to get interested in. A couple of your posts reminded me strongly of stuff I read over there.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 24, 2005)

thanks ill look in to it maybe.


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## Jes (Oct 24, 2005)

I'm going to suggest one last thing: there are usually very many clinical trials going with medications at any time. I hope that was English. If you don't have much money, they offer you free drugs and some sort of therapy (at least in terms of speaking with the Dr. to report back on your mood, etc.) I'm not necessarily suggesting experimental drugs, but even well established things like Prozac are in trials often. It's really not a bad idea. Pay attention to ads on tv about the topic, or leaflets at a Dr. office, or perhaps even google.


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## BBWMoon (Oct 24, 2005)

Wolf, 

I've spent a little bit reading through the posts, and I can say there's some really good and earnest advice. I'll share that I have a back injury, and my main instinct is to hide from Doctors' rather than seek out better resources.
I've always let Doctor's put me down in their office, only to go into hiding from ANY Doctor, and I MEAN months!

Until recently... bit by bit, I am learning to stand up for myself, and my body.

It's difficult to put yourself out there into the unknown, where Doctors can just put you down, and even if they don't put "You" down, they can say things like "With your Obesity, You can die any day and I wouldn't be surprised.. etc."
My EX-Doctor claimed I could "Drop Dead". And he expected it.

Don't hide, Wolf... Put yourself out there every day. Don't do it for others, Do it for yourself. Do things that make YOU happy. If you can't do big things, do little things. You may think I'm silly, but If you, as an Adult, can't find anything that sounds like "Fun", then revert to your inner child... and buy "Him" a little present. And, it really isn't silly after all-- If it brings a bit of happiness.

Red Skelton Said: "Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations."

I hope you find a little bit of laughter every day, Wolf  

~Allie


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## Wayne_Zitkus (Oct 24, 2005)

moonvine said:


> I don't go to BBW dances anymore either. 5 men and 200 women doesn't make for great odds.


Sometimes that's all it takes. After all, Sandie and I met at a BBW dance.


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## moonvine (Oct 24, 2005)

Wayne_Zitkus said:


> Sometimes that's all it takes. After all, Sandie and I met at a BBW dance.



I know, and I am glad for your happiness. I just think I personally can find better odds than 5/200 - that's 40 women for every man. I'd think that word would get out about the odds and men would start going At any rate, I've been to several, and the whole vibe of them just creeps me out.


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## NYbhwolf28 (Oct 26, 2005)

id love to go to something like that but unfortunantly I dont drive and there are not many that are hosted around here as far as get togethers. Albany,NY is the only place Ive seen anything going on and thats like almost 3 hrs away for me.. Ive tried to find people headed down to ride with but im so far outta the way no one is around lol. Funny thing is there is alot of BBWs and BHM in this area to . We are just spread to far apart.


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## moonvine (Oct 26, 2005)

NYbhwolf28 said:


> id love to go to something like that but unfortunantly I dont drive and there are not many that are hosted around here as far as get togethers. Albany,NY is the only place Ive seen anything going on and thats like almost 3 hrs away for me.. Ive tried to find people headed down to ride with but im so far outta the way no one is around lol. Funny thing is there is alot of BBWs and BHM in this area to . We are just spread to far apart.



I'd say that learning to drive, or clearing the obstacles that are preventing you from driving, would be an first excellent step, particularly if there is no public transportation in your area.

Failing that, you could organize your own event, but it will be more difficult without driving.


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## Jes (Oct 26, 2005)

moonvine said:


> I'd say that learning to drive, or clearing the obstacles that are preventing you from driving, would be an first excellent step, particularly if there is no public transportation in your area.
> 
> Failing that, you could organize your own event, but it will be more difficult without driving.




And you have to really WANT to change things. I know this is something with which I have struggled. It's always easy to mope, especially when depressed. Sometimes I find myself in these same thinking or behavior patterns and life or mood begin to devolve. I may tell myself I want something different but if I really look at my behavior, what I'm willing to sacrifice, I find that I'd still rather protect myself in some way than force my comfort zone. I think it took me a long time to realize that which is funny because I've always thought I knew myself so well. I don't know if any of this speaks to you, but it's something to think about. I have found that 'babysteps!' is a good mantra at times.

luck,
Jes


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