# Being lusted after by a closet FA



## Jennie111 (Apr 8, 2013)

A young closet fa, i should say. I just don't know what to do. I really care for him and I feel a connection with him by he has this shame about his attraction to fat women. He lies about it and hides it. He was into another fat girl before I came along. and now he's very obviously into me except when it gets to real and he backs off. He's broken my heart already and I'm so stupid I go back for more. The thing is this has never happened before. That I want someone who wants me too. There is an energy A tangible energy and I need it like a drug. He's 21 I'm 30. I'm a virgin he doesn't know that, nor will he ever, but I suspect he is too. So i hinted that no one needs to know and it will be fun. he seemed interested just the look on his face. hes being coy he wants me to just say it, that i want to have sex with him. But how can I do this to myself. I don't know what I'm doing and I can guess that this will end badly but maybe it's worth it. Just to experience life to live and have fun and have sex. I just want to have sex with a man that wants me and I'm losing my mind. I just can't talk about this with anyone in my life because my family will judge me and my friends are his friends. And when people tease him about us flirting he gets so quiet and angry and says nothing because he doesn't want to deny it he knows that will Hurt me but he also is overly concerned with what others think of him. I know he must feel stuck and confused. And here I go making excuses to make it easier for me to do this. And then what if I do come out and say it " lets have sex" what if I'm all wrong and he runs screaming into the night. could I be so wrong? Maybe I only see what I want to. I could go on forever just help please.
Has anyone else been the secret girlfriend or know anything about what I'm going through?


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## ashmamma84 (Apr 9, 2013)

Don't ever be someone's secret. Respect and love yourself enough to walk away from that game. I'm all for adult women doing whatever they want with regard to consensual sex (whether its casual, for pay, in the confines of a relationship, etc) but what I don't dig is women playing roulette with their hearts and emotions because they might be temporarily lonely. Having an hour of that guy's attention probably won't do much for your self-esteem and I just don't think it would be worth it. 

Leave well enough alone. He's a boy by all appearances and the way he acts. Let him do some soul searching and grow up. And maybe you should be focusing more on giving yourself top billing, whatever that may mean for you.


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## BigBrwnSugar1 (Apr 9, 2013)

I agree with Ashamama - leave him alone. Believe me there is nothing worse than being with man who is embarrassed or ashamed to be with you in public. I went through that last year and my heart is still healing. Yes he liked me, yes he was attracted to me but he didn't want anyone to know that, didn't want to go anywhere in public with me, wouldn't even come to my home - Do yourself a favor and leave him alone. Granted he's young but age has nothing to do with it because this guy was 45 years old and still immature. Please don't discount yourself - you are worth much much more. Get away before he rips your heart apart.


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## superodalisque (Apr 9, 2013)

i agree with all of the above. ESCAPE! there is nothing there for you. there are also people who like being in the closet either consciously or subconsciously and have absolutely no intention of ever coming out of it because they are addicted to and excited by feeling wrong and taboo. they also can enjoy the power they have over you. some of it is legitimate closet behavior but there is also the faux closet that doubles is a kind of emotional sadomasochism that is not mutual or consensual. it's codependency as well. please be careful and take care of yourself first. don't feel too sorry for anyone. you are worth coming first.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 9, 2013)

You already said you know it will end badly and he's broken your heart. Why don't you think you're worth something better than that? I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes our heads must override and tell us that perhaps our hearts are conditioned to accept less than we deserve. You deserve better. You deserve a whole heart and to be loved wholly and in the sun, out in the open, not in the shadows, hidden like a dirty secret. Please believe that.


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## cinnamitch (Apr 10, 2013)

As far as I am concerned, closet FA's can stay there, with a padlock in place.


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## Piink (Apr 10, 2013)

I think he is best left in the closet. 

No sense is hurting yourself because of another person's insecurities. I can understand being lonely, but I would never want to put myself in a position like that. It's not worth the heartache.


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## Saoirse (Apr 10, 2013)

Fuck him and chuck him if you can, emotionally. If you're too attached already, GET AWAY!!!


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## Gingembre (Apr 15, 2013)

This...


ashmamma84 said:


> Don't ever be someone's secret. Respect and love yourself enough to walk away from that game. I'm all for adult women doing whatever they want with regard to consensual sex (whether its casual, for pay, in the confines of a relationship, etc) but what I don't dig is women playing roulette with their hearts and emotions because they might be temporarily lonely. Having an hour of that guy's attention probably won't do much for your self-esteem and I just don't think it would be worth it.
> 
> Leave well enough alone. He's a boy by all appearances and the way he acts. Let him do some soul searching and grow up. And maybe you should be focusing more on giving yourself top billing, whatever that may mean for you.



...and this...


CastingPearls said:


> You already said you know it will end badly and he's broken your heart. Why don't you think you're worth something better than that? I know the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes our heads must override and tell us that perhaps our hearts are conditioned to accept less than we deserve. You deserve better. You deserve a whole heart and to be loved wholly and in the sun, out in the open, not in the shadows, hidden like a dirty secret. Please believe that.



Leave well alone, it's not worth the heartache.


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## KittyKitten (Apr 15, 2013)

First off, he's 21, you're 30. That alone tells you the deal. At 21, males are just learning about themselves, enjoying life, not knowing too much better, young dumb, and full of cum....


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## BarterGal (May 1, 2013)

You're too young to be a cougar and he's definitely not a cougar chaser yet. I know how it goes when you're crushing, but this could crush him. 

Friend zone him.


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## chicken legs (May 1, 2013)

Arnold said it best, "Run Go!!...Get to da choppaaa!"

Seriously, though, I have watched all 5 of my brothers play the crap out of women that they didn't interact with publicly. If you want to set yourself up to be a booty call (aka secret girlfriend) then that is on you. You are a grown woman. If that's not want you want, and are worried about getting hurt, then don't waste your time. If he really wants to be with you, he would shout it from the rooftops. He obviously has issues he needs to work out, like growing up. So just tell him you really care for him and send him on his way. Then visualize what you really want (weddings are expensive!) and prepare yourself till the universe (or God) gives it to you. Just be highly aware of what your are visualizing..lol.


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## Saoirse (May 1, 2013)

I think booty calls and secretly dating are two different things. My friends know all about one and nothing about the other


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## superodalisque (May 3, 2013)

Saoirse said:


> I think booty calls and secretly dating are two different things. My friends know all about one and nothing about the other



my guy friends say they are the same thing actually.


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## Marlayna (May 3, 2013)

Jennie111 said:


> A young closet fa, i should say. I just don't know what to do. I really care for him and I feel a connection with him by he has this shame about his attraction to fat women. He lies about it and hides it. He was into another fat girl before I came along. and now he's very obviously into me except when it gets to real and he backs off. He's broken my heart already and I'm so stupid I go back for more. The thing is this has never happened before. That I want someone who wants me too. There is an energy A tangible energy and I need it like a drug. He's 21 I'm 30. I'm a virgin he doesn't know that, nor will he ever, but I suspect he is too. So i hinted that no one needs to know and it will be fun. he seemed interested just the look on his face. hes being coy he wants me to just say it, that i want to have sex with him. But how can I do this to myself. I don't know what I'm doing and I can guess that this will end badly but maybe it's worth it. Just to experience life to live and have fun and have sex. I just want to have sex with a man that wants me and I'm losing my mind. I just can't talk about this with anyone in my life because my family will judge me and my friends are his friends. And when people tease him about us flirting he gets so quiet and angry and says nothing because he doesn't want to deny it he knows that will Hurt me but he also is overly concerned with what others think of him. I know he must feel stuck and confused. And here I go making excuses to make it easier for me to do this. And then what if I do come out and say it " lets have sex" what if I'm all wrong and he runs screaming into the night. could I be so wrong? Maybe I only see what I want to. I could go on forever just help please.
> Has anyone else been the secret girlfriend or know anything about what I'm going through?


It sounds like you're obsessed with him, and that not a good thing... especially since you share the same group of friends, and any secrets won't be a secret for long. If he's in the closet and is so worried about what other's think about him, it's a losing situation for you. Believe me, he's not someone you should lose your virginity to. I hope you find someone else to take your mind off this boy. Good luck.


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## des256 (May 3, 2013)

Not sure if this helps, but I was like that too. Not sure of myself, in the closet about it, etc. The biggest reason for said closet is a fear of abandonment from people that were close to me, like my friends or my parents. I would make a big deal out of this, and completely loose track of what is actually happening: two people that feel attracted to eachother.

To him I would say: Make a decision for yourself and stick to it.

To OP I would say: Until he has made this decision, he is holding a knife, that he has no control over. The choice is yours if you want to get close to this knife, but it could end up hurting you.


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## Saoirse (May 3, 2013)

superodalisque said:


> my guy friends say they are the same thing actually.



My fuck buddy and I don't go on dates. I go to his house at night, we get nasty, I leave in the morning. But I also have another guy who i hang out with a lot and we go out on dates. My friends know all about the fuck buddy, but they are unaware that I'm (casually) seeing another guy. I get different things from both relationships.


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## superodalisque (May 3, 2013)

Saoirse said:


> My fuck buddy and I don't go on dates. I go to his house at night, we get nasty, I leave in the morning. But I also have another guy who i hang out with a lot and we go out on dates. My friends know all about the fuck buddy, but they are unaware that I'm (casually) seeing another guy. I get different things from both relationships.



cool but there is someone who is still not being seen with someone in public and only wanted for sex. sound familiar? guy friends say that whether someone can get women to buy into it willingly or not in practice it is what it is from the guys side. it's still sex with someone they'd never date.


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## Saoirse (May 3, 2013)

Nope. You're confused. And I see my fb in public all the time. We have the same friends and they all know we fuck. There's no secret there. And the guy I'm dating is only a secret to MY friends. We go out in public together all the time.

And really, it's hardly a secret anymore. There's a lot of disapproval from friends, but they'll deal. And both guys know about eachother.


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## superodalisque (May 3, 2013)

it's about why someone would be willing to sleep with you but not date you. no guy cares about walking around with someone who he can says is his friend and everyone knows he can sleep with but it's the dating part that is telling. sex with a woman is no skin off of any guys teeth. other guys don't care about that. they judge their friends on who they have relationships with. i'm not casting judgement on your situation. i'm just saying this so that some folks will be careful about rationalizing what is really going on with them by thinking they are being progressive when they say they have friends with benefits. that designation is a very good hiding place for folks who are closeted. i've seen that going on a whole lot.


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## katherine22 (May 5, 2013)

No woman has power when she becomes afraid that the partner will leave.


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## Saoirse (May 5, 2013)

Having sex with a man should be no skin off a woman's teeth. It should go both ways. Humans let emotion rule way too often. I'm horny, i want to have sex with someone I find attractive and he feels the same way, so we do it.


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## superodalisque (May 5, 2013)

i'm really happy to be human and not much of a sex machine i like being able to let my emotions hang all the way out  for me personally that is sexual freedom --when i don't have to be afraid of needing or wanting someone.


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## Saoirse (May 5, 2013)

You're high horse, better than you attitude is annoying.


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## superodalisque (May 5, 2013)

Saoirse said:


> You're high horse, better than you attitude is annoying.



nope just 100% honest about how i really feel. you're honest about how you feel and so am i. opinions and feelings do differ. i'm not going to pretend i want what you want just to make you more comfortable. being comfortable is totally up to you. if it's working for you you shouldn't need anyone to agree.


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