# Single Girls Survival Guide



## spiritangel (May 14, 2010)

Ok so rather than dwell on my rapidly loosing faith in the males of our species (so not fair cause I know for every creep out there there has to be at least one good guy), or whinge and moan about being single (wich I have no reason to do its only been a few months)

I thought I would ask all the women here who are single (or even if your not) how you manage to survive in singlesville?

what are your tips, hints and tricks to getting through life as a single woman?

and for dealing with the creeps in life??

I am all for learning some new things and thought we could create a survival guide of sorts to help us navigate the shark infested waters of singledom 


hugs


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## olwen (May 15, 2010)

Good idea for a thread. Here are some of my tips:

When I have those moments when men frustrate me I try to think about the good qualities my male friends have. As much as they exasperate me sometimes they still care about me and thinking of that makes me feel better about men in general. 

These days I'm all about trying to not waste time. Life is short and I don't want to waste it on nonsense, so I figure pouting about being single is okay, but I try not to dwell on it too much. If I mope about it too much then I'm wasting time. I start to think about all the other things I could be doing with my time and I try to do them. If I'm busy doing stuff then it doesn't matter so much that I'm single. The downside to that tho is that I'm finding myself a little too busy and I have days where I look forward to some solitude and doing absolutely nothing.

The next thing, well it might sound silly but it always makes me feel better - I take myself out on a date. I get dressed up put on some makeup and go wherever. I'm trying to do things I never thought to do before, you know, kinda go outside my comfort zone.


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## LovelyLiz (May 15, 2010)

I completely vibe with olwen about the importance of good male friends in my life. I mean, seriously, I'm a straight, single woman and sometimes I need some positive male attention. Here I don't mean sexually - it can just be hanging out with them, enjoying them, having them enjoy me and truly *like* me...that is an awesome feeling. Even if they're married, or gay, or totally unavailable romantically that doesn't matter. It's just great to enjoy the company of a guy I feel really comfortable with.

But I can't leave out female friends. ESPECIALLY single, female friends. I adore my married friends and wouldn't trade them for anything. But it helps me to feel more normal just knowing I'm not the only single woman out there. I have friends who are in a situation where they are the only single person in their friend group, and that can really bring them down. So I'm super grateful for the other women in my life and the ways we can encourage each other, talk about men we're meeting or dating, and also do lots of things that have nothing whatsoever to do with finding a man - just celebrating what we love in each other and doing stuff that's fun for us.

I'm definitely going to add more later...but this is good at the moment. I'm keeping it at my friendships for now. Because seriously, they get me through like nothing else.


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## olwen (May 15, 2010)

That's so true McBeth about positive male attention. Sometimes I just need to hear a male voice so even if it's just a phone call to a friend to talk about this and that it's nice.


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## Saoirse (May 16, 2010)

I dont concern myself with such trivial things like negative men.


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## HappyFatChick (May 16, 2010)

Love yourself. Do everything you love. Pamper yourself. Buy yourself flowers. If a man comes along, great. If not, do everything you want yourself or with a friend.


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## spiritangel (May 16, 2010)

HappyFatChick said:


> Love yourself. Do everything you love. Pamper yourself. Buy yourself flowers. If a man comes along, great. If not, do everything you want yourself or with a friend.



I was thinking about that again yesterday bought myself flowers a couple of weeks back just cause they were on sale

and the whole romancing yourself thing I think is very valid and really important 

hugs and thanks for sharing everyone


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## FatAndProud (May 16, 2010)

I used to stress myself over not being lucky with men. However, I've gotten over the whole single-soon-to-be-cat-lady thing and just started to live life.

I have definitely immersed myself in my studies/work, but ultimately I think it's for the better. I am now able to fancy myself up, look nice, feel nice, and not worry if HE will notice me. I do things for myself, now. It's refreshing. I'm not trying to impress someone. If that special someone happens to encounter me on my day to day dealings, then so be it!


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## spiritangel (May 16, 2010)

FatAndProud said:


> I used to stress myself over not being lucky with men. However, I've gotten over the whole single-soon-to-be-cat-lady thing and just started to live life.
> 
> I have definitely immersed myself in my studies/work, but ultimately I think it's for the better. I am now able to fancy myself up, look nice, feel nice, and not worry if HE will notice me. I do things for myself, now. It's refreshing. I'm not trying to impress someone. If that special someone happens to encounter me on my day to day dealings, then so be it! Otherwise, boys suck



Here Here that is how I have been feeling and what I am doing at the moment  still doesnt stop me in this winter cold wanting someone to snuggle with though


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## olwen (May 16, 2010)

This is a great discussion, but let's please remember to refrain from man bashing. Thanks

/mod


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## Saoirse (May 16, 2010)

uhm yea, pretty sure I was joking.

and now my first comment makes crap sense.


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## spiritangel (May 16, 2010)

huggles

I wasnt pro the man bashing thing just the whole doing things and dressing for ourselves ect


I have to say chocolate goes a great way to helping but hmm nope loved my chokky when in relationships to 

teddy bears a great to hug


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## Lovelyone (May 17, 2010)

hmm, I think as a single woman its important to give yourself acknowledgment for what you've done with your life, the friends that you have, the choices that you've made, and the choices that you didn't make. Its also good to immerse yourself in things that like to do and people who make you feel good. 
Chocolate doesn't hurt either.


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## Weeze (May 17, 2010)

Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.


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## LovelyLiz (May 17, 2010)

Weeze said:


> Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.



I've totally done it before! But if it's a place with a waitress/waiter I always take something to read, or a sudoku or crossword or something. Usually though, I go to places that are the type where you order at the front and get a number or something, and then go sit down. For some reason as a single person that feels easier than being alone at a regular sit down place.


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## olwen (May 17, 2010)

Weeze said:


> Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.



I do that all the time. 

It's nice to have a meal with someone else so you can talk and relax and enjoy good food, but sometimes it's just easier to eat alone cause I don't have to worry about arguing about what and where to eat, which, in this city can be a daunting task, lemmie tell ya. Just as an example, everybody's got a favorite burger joint and I've gotten into some heated arguments over where to get a good burger. 

There are a few people I know who never seem to want to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. (One friend wants Spanish food when I want Thai, and another always wants Diner food - boring, and yet another will only have brunch in certain spots) And I have a few friends who prefer to drink than eat. So going alone is not an issue for me at all. When I'm hungry I don't much care. I bring a book or a newspaper and relax.


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## LovelyLiz (May 17, 2010)

This discussion reminds me, I also have no problem taking myself to the movies. If there's a movie I really want to see, and none of my friends are interested or they're not free when I want to go, I just go by myself. Sometimes I do wonder if other people at the theater think it's sad that I'm there alone, but I have a great time. I have plenty of friends so I'm not sweating other people's thoughts about me, and plus I can spread out as much as I want.


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## Saoirse (May 17, 2010)

I go to the movies by myself sometimes. I get a big soda and popcorn and oggle any hot men in the movie. good times!


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## olwen (May 17, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> This discussion reminds me, I also have no problem taking myself to the movies. If there's a movie I really want to see, and none of my friends are interested or they're not free when I want to go, I just go by myself. Sometimes I do wonder if other people at the theater think it's sad that I'm there alone, but I have a great time. I have plenty of friends so I'm not sweating other people's thoughts about me, and plus I can spread out as much as I want.



Exactly, you can spread out, and more importantly you can sit where ever the hell you want! It's fraking glorious. When I really want me time where I can sorta forget about stuff I go to the movies by myself. No arguing about what to see or when & where to go. I just go whenever I feel like it and enjoy myself.


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## LovelyLiz (May 17, 2010)

Also, if we're gonna be real here...THIS is an essential part of the single girl's survival kit. At least it's in my bag of tricks...


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## truebebeblue (May 17, 2010)

AMEN.
I was just coming to say the same except,Hitachi magic wand ( this completely squelched my desire for a man for a good 3 months when i first bought it) I switch between that and a standard silver bullet.

Most important is you feeling damn entitled to use it and USING IT.
A good orgasm can change your perspective!



True


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## FatAndProud (May 17, 2010)

Lol! How to get over being single: masturbate.


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## spiritangel (May 17, 2010)

Weeze said:


> Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.



I do mostly for lunch though as I am reliant on public transport and there isnt any after 5pm in this town so it would be expensive with added taxi fare, I usually take a book or magazine with me, as I hate not having something to do in the waiting times. I dont have a problem doing things like movies and stuff on my own, never really have, but then again whilst I did date in my late teens early 20's I was single for a good part of it guess often when we are younger we are more fearless and it still doesnt bother me to do those things now


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## spiritangel (May 17, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> Also, if we're gonna be real here...THIS is an essential part of the single girl's survival kit. At least it's in my bag of tricks...



hehe well that is important I am sooo over having the conversation of why women should masterbate, I had to have it with a woman who was 10 years older than me, my darn lil sister oh and a male friend lol

its simple because how can you expect someone else to know your body if you dont ect ect ect

and yep that is part of surviving in singlesville for sure


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## littlefairywren (May 18, 2010)

Weeze said:


> Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.



Yeah, I have finally gotten used to going out and having a coffee and something to eat a local cafe/restaurant place on my own. The first time though, I hated it. But now I am cool with it. And like you Weeze, I'm kinda proud of myself each time.


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## PhatChk (May 18, 2010)

What to do when you just feel lonely?


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## spiritangel (May 18, 2010)

I try something creative, chat to friends online, watch dvds, read a book, if I am having a very low time its junk food and soppy romance novels or movies lol totally depends I always try to keep reasonably busy and that sure helps, oh and pumping up the music and singing and dancing around is often a great cure


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## LovelyLiz (May 18, 2010)

PhatChk said:


> What to do when you just feel lonely?



Good question. I'd be interested to hear others' responses to this too. Loneliness seems to be a part of the human condition, though, and even people in relationships or marriages feel lonely - it's not a single person thing only. (Though, I do think we have a different _kind_ of loneliness to deal with that married/partnered people don't.)

I used to feel lonely a lot more often, and a lot more intensely. And I would do the whole self-blame in the midst of loneliness thing - telling myself, "The reason you're alone is that you're too [fill in the blank with any kind of deeply insulting word] so no one wants to be around you." So I'd abandon myself in the midst of loneliness, which would result in an even worse loneliness. After working on that, and some of the underlying issues there, I've gotten to the point where I can just realize that hey, everyone feels lonely sometimes, it doesn't mean I'm defective, and I can still hold onto my sense of self-worth in the midst of those feelings, knowing that they will pass. 

Part of this was just learning to enjoy my own company. That was a big step.

But yeah, so now when I feel lonely there are a lot of responses I may have to deal with it. It'll depend on whether I think it's more helpful to stay with the feeling for a bit, and explore and befriend it, or whether it would be better to get my mind off it and into something else. That's just a discernment on a case by case basis. 

If I want to stay with it and explore it, I may: write in my journal, work on writing a song related to how I'm feeling, sit and reflect, etc.

If I want to get it off my mind, I may: call a friend, go exercise outside, sing at the top of my lungs, or find some kind of hands-on activity to engage in.

Kind of a long response, I know, but I've done a lot of thinking about loneliness...


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## Jes (May 18, 2010)

I've had periods of deep loneliness. I moved to the east coast for work. My job isn't full of social people and I had no friends, and no family, on the east coast. It was a brutal 2 years. Then I met some friends. Then my main friend, who has borderline personality disorder, dumped me cold (she dumped friends every year or so; I made it 5 years. Amazing!). Anyway, what I realized is that I had nothing to do and no one to do it with. And I'd just sit, and feel very, very lonely. And over time, I did meet more people and make more friends, but always through some effort of my own. I think that's how it should be. We're not 5 anymore; we can't just play with the neighor kid because our backyards join up! Anyway, I got invested in several different types of activities (a pottery studio, graduate school) so that, if one or 2 failed, I'd still have something I could do, even if it was alone. And having committments made me actually treasure the time I was totally alone, at least to some extent. It took time and effort, but I was able to make some improvements. But man, there were some reallly ugly times, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think I'd have more times like those in future. I think it's cyclical.


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## siegfried563 (May 23, 2010)

i know im not a woman, but still, when you feel alone, do something in your comfort zone, watch your favorite movie, go to your favorite place, thats what i do


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## jdsumm (May 23, 2010)

I am really appreciating and needing this thread right now, so I wanted to say a sincere _*THANK YOU SO MUCH*_ to all you who are responding. Very helpful responses.:bow:


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## superodalisque (May 24, 2010)

appreciate each guy for what he's good for. not everything has to be a relationship.


if he is a good friend

if he is fun to talk to because he is an ego boost and nice to flirt with

if he makes you feel sexy

if he makes you laugh



maybe the most important of all, have a relationship with yourself and behave towards yourself the way you wish that your perfect guy would. take yourself out. do interesting things with yourself. love and appreciate yourself for your looks and inner beauty and intelligence. be proud to be with yourself.


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## LillyBBBW (May 24, 2010)

PhatChk said:


> What to do when you just feel lonely?



I very rarely get lonely, honest. That's almost crazy, gees. When I do though I pack up some stuff and go stay at my mums. She'll drive me crazy soon enough and I'll be begging to go home but she's my calming influence when I'm down and out. 

The craziest thing I do sometimes is go to a lecture. Yeah I'm a wild woman but around this city there are always free lectures going on at libraries, museums, colleges, etc. Sometimes they take a small donation but most times it costs zero to attend. You'd be surprised how many people love to hear themselves talk and enjoy an audience while doing it. They'd pay you to come if there was funding for it. My favorites were the talks at Radcliffe Women's Institute. Bring your own coffee and wear an interesting pair of earrings, scarf or hat. It gives people an 'IN' to start a conversation with you about how they like your _________ if you're shy about approaching people. Anyone is welcomed to go and there's usually an odd selection of folks there. I have lifelong friends from some of these things. Anyway, that's what a loser like me does when she feels lonely. :blush:

Also check out meetup.com. There are tons of meetups around the US on any number of subjects. Connect with others who are into what you're into or sponsor one yourself. They're great.


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## Weeze (May 24, 2010)

Can I just say I masturbate a fuckin' lot?

Also, I dunno how i feel about the title of this. I've only been not-single for like a few 2-month or shorter stints. and i don't feel like being single for me is "surviving"... i'm just me. haha


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## LovelyLiz (May 25, 2010)

Weeze said:


> Can I just say I masturbate a fuckin' lot?
> 
> Also, I dunno how i feel about the title of this. I've only been not-single for like a few 2-month or shorter stints. and i don't feel like being single for me is "surviving"... i'm just me. haha



I resonate with all of this. Great way of putting it in the second paragraph.

And, on the first note, I've been feeling a bit stressed and depressed lately, so I decided today that I needed to buy a massaging showerhead. You know, for _relaxation_...


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## Dmitra (May 25, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I resonate with all of this. Great way of putting it in the second paragraph.
> 
> And, on the first note, I've been feeling a bit stressed and depressed lately, so I decided today that I needed to buy a massaging showerhead. You know, for _relaxation_...



Of course! Cleanliness is next to Oh My Godliness.


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## bobbleheaddoll (May 25, 2010)

my darlings...i am single and loving it. here are some of the things that i employ being a single gal...

-put on lipstick everyday. or really anything that makes you feel fantastic. if you feel good the world will see it! putting off a positive vibe will make you more approachable. 

-*flirt*! even if it is a harmless glance  if you notice his/her hotness...let him/her know it! even if he/she has no interest in you, just like girls, boys like to be noticed too. plus you would be surprised how many flirt back. flirting is just fun!

-make time to go to social events. you can't meet people if you don't go out!!! there are lots of social sites (like dims!) that plan events. try meetup.com you can find a group from just about any interest in your area! don't go thinking you HAVE to meet someone. just go to have a good time and see what happens. even if it is a movie alone..never know who may sit next to you!

-you can usually spot a creeper 10 miles out. if they get as far as a date...just remember it is only a date. keep the pressure low and conversation casual. that is what dating is for...to sort out the keepers.

good luck you you darlings...now go out there and enjoy life!!!


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## Tau (May 25, 2010)

Once or twice a year I have a cry day. This is a day where I sit at home surrounded by good food and dvds and books and just weep  I've mentioned this before somewhere on here but honestly I cannot stress enough how incredibly helpful these days are for me. Its like opening a pressure valve and letting all that frustration and anger and pain and resentment and self pity out in one fell swoop. I cry literally all day then pass out and wake up rejuvenated, ready to take on anything life chooses to chuck my way. That is, quite honestly, how I deal with the sometimes frustration of going through a couples orientated world alone. 

On a day to day basis I think its important to do things that fill you with passion and joy. I read, I write, I dance, I watch movies, I go out, I eat out alone, watch movies alone. I'm obsessed with various TV dramas and so spend hours of pure bliss lost in those shows. I volunteer my writing skill for Childline so a large and very rewarding amount of time is spent helping out here. My family are so, so important to me and my niece is truly one of my best friends in the world and I spend hours with her. We have sleep overs and make mud pies and bake cakes and argue and watch the simpson and pretend to be Rhianna LOL! I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are a blessing. And then there's nature. I drive out of the city sometimes, just down the highway with absolutely nothing but veld on either side and just let myself breath. A walk in the park, a swim, an ice cream in the sunshine - thats the kind of thing that keeps my soul warm and me happy. Find the things that you love and surround yourself with those then you'll be fine.


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## spiritangel (May 25, 2010)

Tau said:


> Once or twice a year I have a cry day. This is a day where I sit at home surrounded by good food and dvds and books and just weep  I've mentioned this before somewhere on here but honestly I cannot stress enough how incredibly helpful these days are for me. Its like opening a pressure valve and letting all that frustration and anger and pain and resentment and self pity out in one fell swoop. I cry literally all day then pass out and wake up rejuvenated, ready to take on anything life chooses to chuck my way. That is, quite honestly, how I deal with the sometimes frustration of going through a couples orientated world alone.
> 
> On a day to day basis I think its important to do things that fill you with passion and joy. I read, I write, I dance, I watch movies, I go out, I eat out alone, watch movies alone. I'm obsessed with various TV dramas and so spend hours of pure bliss lost in those shows. I volunteer my writing skill for Childline so a large and very rewarding amount of time is spent helping out here. My family are so, so important to me and my niece is truly one of my best friends in the world and I spend hours with her. We have sleep overs and make mud pies and bake cakes and argue and watch the simpson and pretend to be Rhianna LOL! I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are a blessing. And then there's nature. I drive out of the city sometimes, just down the highway with absolutely nothing but veld on either side and just let myself breath. A walk in the park, a swim, an ice cream in the sunshine - thats the kind of thing that keeps my soul warm and me happy. Find the things that you love and surround yourself with those then you'll be fine.




hmm thinking I need one of those, today has been a mega low day and I spent a good part of this afternoon trying to stop myself from bawling my eyes out for no good reason  other than being sick and run down, and just darn frustrated with what has been happening lately, but have been spending this evening doing the girly stuff you know washing my hair ect and feel somewhat better well at least I am well groomed lol

I am lucky I do have some amazing friends even if they dont live close to home, who absolutely make me realise now very blessed and lucky I am to have people who care very deeply about me and my wellbeing.


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## Piink (May 25, 2010)

Things I Do To Survive Being Single:

Dress Up  Even if it is to run to the grocery store. I do my hair, my make-up, and find the cutest outfit I can (thats clean anyway lol). 

Smile  Its contagious! 

Express Yourself  Whether it is to a friend, your teddy bear, or a diary. Cry, Laugh, Scream, Paint a Picture (or a mess lol).

Get Out and Do Something  Go somewhere. If you get outside, you are bound to meet someone; a new friend, new love interest, a creepy old man. Who knows? Take a walk in a park, or go boating. Visit someone you havent seen in awhile. 

Join some kind of class  Knitting, sewing, painting, pottery, home improvement, etc. Atleast you will have people with similar interests around you.

Sometimes I will get together with a couple of my girlfriends who are right about the same size as me and we will do a clothes swap. Once we are done, we sometimes go out for coffee or drinks (depending on the time of day). 

As far as being lonely  It rarely happens to me, but when it does, I go out and get away from it all. I think of the little things in life that make me happy. My cat, my small but great circle of friends, COFFEE, etc. Thats about the time I realize that I have control on what happens in my life and I control my destiny. My life is what *I* make it.


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## LovelyLiz (May 25, 2010)

This is actually one of the best ways I have found to deal with loneliness:

Go love someone else! When I'm feeling lonely and isolated and sorry for myself, I can take a step back and realize that loneliness is the human condition, and so many people are dealing with the same thing. So I'll think of someone I know, either closely or peripherally, who is struggling in some way or another, and do something kind and surprising for them. Especially maybe someone who doesn't have a lot of friends or connections, for whatever reason.

One time, for example, there was a girl I knew who didn't have very many people in her life, and had a pretty gruff exterior toward most people (including me). She had been sick with this really bad cold for like 3 weeks. One night I was feeling super sorry for myself, and then just decided that what I could do would be to go buy her a little care package for her cold and drop it off for her. So I bought some juice and lozenges and tea and a little card and whatnot and went and dropped it off for her. That seemed to really brighten her night, and it made me feel a lot better too.

I think it's good to care for ourselves and go do things we enjoy, but I've found that one of the best ways for me to really feel more connected and less lonely is to get out of myself and go care about someone else.


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## butch (May 26, 2010)

You know, I've been single for a lot longer than I've been coupled, and when I finally started to work at relationships that lasted longer than 8 weeks, the saddest, scariest, and most painful thing I discovered is that it is so much worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than it is to be lonely when you're single. I don't mean the lonely of a long distance relationship, but the lonely of lying in bed next to someone you're wildly passionate about, and you know they don't value you in the same way. The lonely of knowing that while you're lying there thinking of how to be the most loving partner you can be to them, they're most likely not even thinking of you at all.

That lonely can turn you into someone you're ashamed to be, and thankfully I'm nowhere near that place now.


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## BBW4Chattery (May 31, 2010)

I don't know if this thread makes me happy or sad. I'm happy that everyone is coming together. I'm sad to think that other ladies feel the sad lonely sometimes.

I used to joke that I'd end up alone because it ran in my family. I have a great aunt and an aunt who are both single. I remember, as a child, finding my aunt's old magazines with personal ads circled in the back. I felt so sad for her even then because I never knew until that moment that she desired to be with someone.

Now, I'm my aunt... except there are no personal ads to be circled and found. I don't let a single soul know how lonely I am and how much I desire a relationship. I've dated lots and had two long term relationships that lasted over 5 years... but I haven't done SQUAT since 2006. 

The more time that passes, the more lonely I get and the less likely I am to feel hopeful about meeting someone.

It's a vicious circle.

For what it's worth, I do the same things ya'll do and suggest them as well... pamper yourself... find a place online to go and chat... watch a funny movie... or even daydream.

If I get totally pathetic lonely... I start to imagine what my life would be like if I married Ludacris or Zac Efron or George Clooney. Not a proud moment... but it gets me t hrough the night.


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## spiritangel (May 31, 2010)

butch said:


> You know, I've been single for a lot longer than I've been coupled, and when I finally started to work at relationships that lasted longer than 8 weeks, the saddest, scariest, and most painful thing I discovered is that it is so much worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than it is to be lonely when you're single. I don't mean the lonely of a long distance relationship, but the lonely of lying in bed next to someone you're wildly passionate about, and you know they don't value you in the same way. The lonely of knowing that while you're lying there thinking of how to be the most loving partner you can be to them, they're most likely not even thinking of you at all.
> 
> That lonely can turn you into someone you're ashamed to be, and thankfully I'm nowhere near that place now.



that is soo true both my major long term relationships I have ended up feeling lonlier than I ever felt on my own

hugs



Sorry the title of the thread was just an off the cuff one wasnt meant to offend anyone sort of tongue in cheek really


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## butch (Jun 1, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> that is soo true both my major long term relationships I have ended up feeling lonlier than I ever felt on my own
> 
> hugs
> 
> ...



Thanks, spiritangel! I am blessed to be in a wonderful relationship right now, coming up on our first year anniversary. I have no idea how this happened.


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## spiritangel (Jun 1, 2010)

Hugs Butch as a very good friend says to me we sometimes need to kiss many frogs before we find the right prince for us, and enjoy it, dont take it for granted you are lucky, and in love and that is an awesome thing


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## OneHauteMama (Jun 3, 2010)

butch said:


> You know, I've been single for a lot longer than I've been coupled, and when I finally started to work at relationships that lasted longer than 8 weeks, the saddest, scariest, and most painful thing I discovered is that it is so much worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than it is to be lonely when you're single. I don't mean the lonely of a long distance relationship, but the lonely of lying in bed next to someone you're wildly passionate about, and you know they don't value you in the same way. The lonely of knowing that while you're lying there thinking of how to be the most loving partner you can be to them, they're most likely not even thinking of you at all.
> 
> That lonely can turn you into someone you're ashamed to be, and thankfully I'm nowhere near that place now.



I have to say I could have written this. From day 2 of my marriage I felt this way...and it lasted 7 long years. I feel that being alone and single now is so much better than the hell of a lonesome existance with someone who isn't passionate about you in any way. I'd rather be alone than be despised.


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## spiritangel (Jun 3, 2010)

more tips

Must be feeling very good about myself lately I have actually been buying sexy underwear for the first time ever did not know it existed in SSBBW sizes in affordable prices thanks ebay

so buying yourself something that makes you feel good


taking time to be grateful for what you do have is important as well

and occupying your time with useful stuffs I find is another good one


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## gobettiepurple (Jun 8, 2010)

*So I have been going out a lot, with girls from Dims and what not, and I had a few questions for those that may know better than me.

How do you feel about approaching a guy? It seems like I have been noticing a lot of cute guys around me, but no one ever seems to approach me. I know its because I am super shy and I tend to attracted to those guys that seem shy as well. Is it okay to just go up to a guy at a club, or other social setting? And if I did, what would I say?

I'm not really afraid of rejection - I am just shy around guys, mostly because I don't have the experience that everyone else seems to have. 

Does anyone have any tips?*


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 8, 2010)

gobettiepurple said:


> *So I have been going out a lot, with girls from Dims and what not, and I had a few questions for those that may know better than me.
> 
> How do you feel about approaching a guy? It seems like I have been noticing a lot of cute guys around me, but no one ever seems to approach me. I know its because I am super shy and I tend to attracted to those guys that seem shy as well. Is it okay to just go up to a guy at a club, or other social setting? And if I did, what would I say?
> 
> ...



This is the oldest trick in the book and by now is pretty transparent. It's what my mom used to bag my dad at a club over 40 years ago. You go up to the dude, smile and say, "Wow. You look *just* like this dude I know from *Kookamunga!" Small pause, give him a chance to say something. Then hold out your hand and say, "I'm Bettie!" He shakes your hand in return saying, "I'm Horace." Then you reach for your friend or whatever and say, "This is Maribel and that's Alexx." Hellos are exchanged.

This should be enough to get things started. From there you can say, "So were're you from?" etc. if the conversation leads there. A few things could happen. He will either appreciate the offer of friendship and go with it, he might be interested in one of your friends and not you, he might see through the whole ruse and being that he's not interested will make up a story about waiting for a girl/boyfriend or he my have horrible B.O., be a letch or some such then. You can then politely excuse yourself by smiling and saying, "Well ok then! It was nice meeting you, have a great night! " and move on. This is a great way to meet people in general but it works on guys too. The worst that could happen is he's a serial killer. Good luck!


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## olwen (Jun 8, 2010)

Ha! I'm gonna use that one Lilly.


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## Tau (Jun 9, 2010)

Me too!


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 9, 2010)

I have one more old trick to tell. I don't usually like giving away my secrets but since I'm elderly now I won't be using them anyway. Okay, the conversation is going. You're smiling, he's smiling, everybody's smiling. You think he likes someone among you but you're not sure who it is. So this means you have to put your hand on his arm. Next time he says something funny or amusing you can laugh or project a sense of awe while steadying your hand on his arm as a brief touch. Don't squeeze his guns like the witch on Hansel & Gretel or anything, just a quick steadying touch while saying, "That was so funny/Are you serious??" Now, here's where it gets interesting. If he does it back to you at some point and you're sure he's not gay, tell Alexx and Maribel to get lost - he's yours. In fact they should be aware of the whole trick, see someone they know from across the room and leave immediately. I'm telling you, this works.


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## spiritangel (Jun 9, 2010)

darn it I never go anywhere I can try these out but great tips Lilly thanks for sharing them with us


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## olwen (Jun 10, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I have one more old trick to tell. I don't usually like giving away my secrets but since I'm elderly now I won't be using them anyway. Okay, the conversation is going. You're smiling, he's smiling, everybody's smiling. You think he likes someone among you but you're not sure who it is. So this means you have to put your hand on his arm. Next time he says something funny or amusing you can laugh or project a sense of awe while steadying your hand on his arm as a brief touch. Don't squeeze his guns like the witch on Hansel & Gretel or anything, just a quick steadying touch while saying, "That was so funny/Are you serious??" Now, here's where it gets interesting. If he does it back to you at some point and you're sure he's not gay, tell Alexx and Maribel to get lost - he's yours. In fact they should be aware of the whole trick, see someone they know from across the room and leave immediately. I'm telling you, this works.



I've actually done this one, and well, if he realizes that he's been touched and he doesn't like it and backs off or tenses up, then you know he isn't interested. Either that or he's afraid of girls.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 10, 2010)

olwen said:


> I've actually done this one, and well, if he realizes that he's been touched and he doesn't like it and backs off or tenses up, then you know he isn't interested. Either that or he's afraid of girls.



Yes but he's not going to do that because we are all lovely, ravishing, beautiful, alluring young ladies whose mere presence is a sweet kiss from the gods. Let us think positive now. Unless it's Chris Brown there's no danger in trying anyway.


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## supersizebbw (Jun 10, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> This is the oldest trick in the book and by now is pretty transparent. It's what my mom used to bag my dad at a club over 40 years ago. You go up to the dude, smile and say, "Wow. You look *just* like this dude I know from *Kookamunga!" Small pause, give him a chance to say something. Then hold out your hand and say, "I'm Bettie!" He shakes your hand in return saying, "I'm Horace." Then you reach for your friend or whatever and say, "This is Maribel and that's Alexx." Hellos are exchanged.
> 
> This should be enough to get things started. From there you can say, "So were're you from?" etc. if the conversation leads there. A few things could happen. He will either appreciate the offer of friendship and go with it, he might be interested in one of your friends and not you, he might see through the whole ruse and being that he's not interested will make up a story about waiting for a girl/boyfriend or he my have horrible B.O., be a letch or some such then. You can then politely excuse yourself by smiling and saying, "Well ok then! It was nice meeting you, have a great night! " and move on. This is a great way to meet people in general but it works on guys too. The worst that could happen is he's a serial killer. Good luck!



@lilly: i love the two tips you've given in your posts, i never ever know how to even begin a conversation with a guy i like and both of those are pretty good pointers.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 10, 2010)

supersizebbw said:


> @lilly: i love the two tips you've given in your posts, i never ever know how to even begin a conversation with a guy i like and both of those are pretty good pointers.



It really is a universal conversation starter and anxiety dispeller. If you get caught staring or looking at someone repeatedly, a simple, "You look so much like a childhood chum of mine," will validate a reason and segway into a curiosity about the person and where they come from. Also an admiration for an object they are carrying or an item of clothing. "Scuze me, what is that you're drinking? It looks interesting and I'm looking to try something new." Just be sure to discern when friendly chat is unwelcomed by the person. Don't take it personally, you've done nothing wrong. They may just have too much on their mind for it.


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## olwen (Jun 10, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> Yes but he's not going to do that because we are all lovely, ravishing, beautiful, alluring young ladies whose mere presence is a sweet kiss from the gods. Let us think positive now. Unless it's Chris Brown there's no danger in trying anyway.



Oh, never said I wouldn't stop trying, mind. Just that if they pull away it's usually a clear sign they aren't interested and well, there's your chance to move on to someone else.


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## Weeze (Sep 9, 2010)

I want this thread back.
I'm still masturbating.
I went to see Scott Pilgrim by myself. I'm trying to get the balls to go to a buffet alone.


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## spiritangel (Sep 9, 2010)

yeah totally forgot about this thread

I have taken to cooking wonderful food for myself, and spoiling myself in little ways, its not much but it helps


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## thirtiesgirl (Sep 9, 2010)

Weeze said:


> I want this thread back.
> I'm still masturbating.
> I went to see Scott Pilgrim by myself. I'm trying to get the balls to go to a buffet alone.



I've been debating whether I want to see this movie or not. I love Michael Cera, but I don't love all the movies he makes. What did you think? Any good?

I can't really speak to this thread with any positivity at the moment. In the past week, I've been swamped by loneliness and it has kind of taken over. I've been single off and on for the past 13 years (more on than off) and I go through periods where my loneliness just takes over and pulls me down. I'm in one of those periods now. I work in education and the school year is about to start for me, so for the next month or two, I'm going to be incredibly busy with work and not have a lot of time to think about loneliness or my social life in general. But until work mode takes over my life, I'm being dragged down into the loneliness quicksand and not really sure how to get out.

It's supportive to hear that others also experience loneliness, and it's something I'm consciously aware of. But it can often be hard connect that up on a deeper level when I'm in a loneliness downspiral and feel like I'm the only one going through it. I can get damn maudlin at times, but I try not to talk about it when I'm around others for fear of being seen as a complete negative nelly. Sometimes I just can't see anything positive when I'm in this state of mind.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 12, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> It really is a universal conversation starter and anxiety dispeller. If you get caught staring or looking at someone repeatedly, a simple, "You look so much like a childhood chum of mine," will validate a reason and segway into a curiosity about the person and where they come from. Also an admiration for an object they are carrying or an item of clothing. "Scuze me, what is that you're drinking? It looks interesting and I'm looking to try something new." Just be sure to discern when friendly chat is unwelcomed by the person. Don't take it personally, you've done nothing wrong. They may just have too much on their mind for it.


You know....we think a lot alike...that's kinda scary.


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## BBW4Chattery (Sep 15, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> I've been debating whether I want to see this movie or not. I love Michael Cera, but I don't love all the movies he makes. What did you think? Any good?
> 
> I can't really speak to this thread with any positivity at the moment. In the past week, I've been swamped by loneliness and it has kind of taken over. I've been single off and on for the past 13 years (more on than off) and I go through periods where my loneliness just takes over and pulls me down. I'm in one of those periods now. I work in education and the school year is about to start for me, so for the next month or two, I'm going to be incredibly busy with work and not have a lot of time to think about loneliness or my social life in general. But until work mode takes over my life, I'm being dragged down into the loneliness quicksand and not really sure how to get out.
> 
> It's supportive to hear that others also experience loneliness, and it's something I'm consciously aware of. But it can often be hard connect that up on a deeper level when I'm in a loneliness downspiral and feel like I'm the only one going through it. I can get damn maudlin at times, but I try not to talk about it when I'm around others for fear of being seen as a complete negative nelly. Sometimes I just can't see anything positive when I'm in this state of mind.



Hugs. Hope you feel better soon.


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## 1love_emily (Dec 10, 2010)

What has helped me the most being a single and young BBW has been having a song in my head. I always keep music close at heart for whatever I am feeling. Sometimes it's classical, sometimes it's country or alternative or rock or hip hop or anything. Like now, I'm in love with Antonin Dvorak's New World Symphony - especially the last movement... why? Because the last movement can is great to be either really determined or really pissed off to. Here's a link :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtE3P8Z15Pk


I played it with a large honors orchestra last year. EPIC.


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## spiritangel (Dec 10, 2010)

1love_emily said:


> What has helped me the most being a single and young BBW has been having a song in my head. I always keep music close at heart for whatever I am feeling. Sometimes it's classical, sometimes it's country or alternative or rock or hip hop or anything. Like now, I'm in love with Antonin Dvorak's New World Symphony - especially the last movement... why? Because the last movement can is great to be either really determined or really pissed off to. Here's a link :
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtE3P8Z15Pk
> 
> ...



Music is a great way to help with emotion at any time not just single

but a big hug and ty for reviving this thread


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 10, 2010)

I don't know if it's been said in this thread before but: take yourself out on your own dates! 

You don't need to wait for a man (or woman) to go out and have a nice dinner or watch a movie or take a stroll somewhere. 

When they say "be the love you want to have" this is what they mean! Do the things you'd like to do on a date but do it on your own. If you enjoy it on your own, it'll be oodles better with someone else. If you don't enjoy doing something alone, it won't be enjoyable with someone else either. 

From someone who's been single for years, this has been the best realization for me. And I'm a lot less lonely when I take myself out on a date.


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## gobettiepurple (Dec 10, 2010)

CarlaSixx said:


> I don't know if it's been said in this thread before but: take yourself out on your own dates!
> 
> You don't need to wait for a man (or woman) to go out and have a nice dinner or watch a movie or take a stroll somewhere.
> 
> ...



I completely agree with Carla! It helps to trust that you can love be dependent on yourself before you can love and trust someone else.

I never understood the opinion that some women [and I guess some men] have about going out to dinner or the movies by themselves - my mother was saying the other day "how sad is it that people go to the movies by themselves" - I like going to the movies by myself, and sometimes its necessary because no one is around to take you. Its about stepping up and being your own advocate - if you want to have fun, don't let anything stand in your way, least of all the lack of a partner. Plus, going out alone builds confidence!


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## 1love_emily (Dec 10, 2010)

CarlaSixx said:


> I don't know if it's been said in this thread before but: take yourself out on your own dates!
> 
> You don't need to wait for a man (or woman) to go out and have a nice dinner or watch a movie or take a stroll somewhere.
> 
> ...




I often go out on dates with either my best girl friend Linnea or my best sassygayfriend Dan. It's best to go with people who you know will never judge you. That way you can eat TONS OF FOOD and make stupid jokes and Lord of the Rings references and spill coffee on your pants without looking too stupid.


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 11, 2010)

I would go out with my friends to places like the movies if they lived in my city, had the money, and were interested in the same things as I am. As it stands, they aren't so I pretty much have to go anywhere alone. It's fine though. I don't have to justify anything when I'm alone. So if I wanna totally geek out and get Harry Potter stuff or science stuff, I don't have anyone around that'll ask for an explanation. And if I wanna buy something, I don't have to listen to anyone's opinion but my own. Much better that way. I find that ever since I've been doing that, if I go with a friend, I'm annoyed when they comment on things because I don't care what they think so long as I'm the one who wants it. What bugs me is when they comment to sound like buying a certain book or something is gonna harm them. But since I know they like opinions, I don't say anything when something does t seem right for them but I do make good comments when something they've picked out seems to match them. That way it's always up to them. 

That's always something important. Buy or do something you want because you don't have anyone to answer to but yourself!


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## superodalisque (Dec 11, 2010)

love me

enjoy me

enjoy the company of people i like

do what i like

throw negativity out whether its in men or women

in other words the same as i would do if i was with someone. if i change my life too much for someone then i AM changing my life too much. i'm not sure its such a good idea to have to change my life too much if i'm with or without an SO. it means something is out of balance for me.

keep in mind that loneliness is a state of mind dependent on the environment i create for myself and that its just as easy to be lonely with someone as alone.


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## superodalisque (Dec 11, 2010)

gobettiepurple said:


> *So I have been going out a lot, with girls from Dims and what not, and I had a few questions for those that may know better than me.
> 
> How do you feel about approaching a guy? It seems like I have been noticing a lot of cute guys around me, but no one ever seems to approach me. I know its because I am super shy and I tend to attracted to those guys that seem shy as well. Is it okay to just go up to a guy at a club, or other social setting? And if I did, what would I say?
> 
> ...



i don't approach guys much. but thats only me. i just don't care for guys who are too shy to approach me particularly at a fat event. and, if they don't i figure they just aren't that interested. if i'm someone they really can't live without knowing they'll come over or find some way to contact me later no matter how shy they seem. i want to be the one someone can't live without if thats something i really want i know that if i can't get it in the beginning i definitely won't get that later. i hate it when guys act like you just don't matter that much to be cool. so if you like a guy who you feel special with make sure to look for that. don't make any excuses for shyness etc... there are some things it just doesn't pay to do without in a relationship where you may as well be alone. 

honestly no matter what they say most guys don't respect women who they feel are hot after them. at first its a compliment for them but then it can get tiresome. i have hardly ever seen it stick. flirting is great. but i think its especially important for fat women not to sweat anyone since there are already too many out there with the impression that we are desperate. intellectually it might work for guys but in practice they always stick with the women they choose and go after. a pushy woman is only good for that slow night when they need an itch scratched. so it depends on what you really want the guy for. for a relationship don't be in a big hurry to bag someone. the right guy who truly wants you will come along. he's worth the wait.


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## gobettiepurple (Dec 11, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> i don't approach guys much. but thats only me. i just don't care for guys who are too shy to approach me particularly at a fat event. and, if they don't i figure they just aren't that interested. if i'm someone they really can't live without knowing they'll come over or find some way to contact me later no matter how shy they seem. i want to be the one someone can't live without if thats something i really want i know that if i can't get it in the beginning i definitely won't get that later. i hate it when guys act like you just don't matter that much to be cool. so if you like a guy who you feel special with make sure to look for that. don't make any excuses for shyness etc... there are some things it just doesn't pay to do without in a relationship where you may as well be alone.
> 
> honestly no matter what they say most guys don't respect women who they feel are hot after them. at first its a compliment for them but then it can get tiresome. i have hardly ever seen it stick. flirting is great. but i think its especially important for fat women not to sweat anyone since there are already too many out there with the impression that we are desperate. intellectually it might work for guys but in practice they always stick with the women they choose and go after. a pushy woman is only good for that slow night when they need an itch scratched. so it depends on what you really want the guy for. for a relationship don't be in a big hurry to bag someone. the right guy who truly wants you will come along. he's worth the wait.



I guess what I was really trying to articulate was that I am not so good at understanding signals, so often times someone else - like a girl friend or third party, has to practically knock me on the head to make me aware of other people's preference, especially a preference for me. I just don't get why someone, if they are interested in me, would wait for me to make a move, when I am clearly clueless . . . lol. 

I am not impatient or pushy, I just wanted to remark that I find it interesting that in several places on this board and in real life, it seems that an aggressive bbw always wins. thats all . . .


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## spiritangel (Dec 11, 2010)

Gobetti I am exactly the same I am like me really are you sure, there isnt another girl standing behind me or some such lol


I always buy myself something I have been wanting for christmas (hmmmm I do this single or in a relationship I just realised) this year it was a toss up and I still may get the other thing I want but it is always nice even if its just something small to get stuff in the mail


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## Lovelyone (Dec 12, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> *snipped*
> 
> I always buy myself something I have been wanting for christmas (hmmmm I do this single or in a relationship I just realised) this year it was a toss up and I still may get the other thing I want but it is always nice even if its just something small to get stuff in the mail


 
I totally relate to this too. When I lived alone, I spent alot of holidays by myself. I bought myself a present at Christmas and on my birthday.


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## superodalisque (Dec 14, 2010)

gobettiepurple said:


> I guess what I was really trying to articulate was that I am not so good at understanding signals, so often times someone else - like a girl friend or third party, has to practically knock me on the head to make me aware of other people's preference, especially a preference for me. I just don't get why someone, if they are interested in me, would wait for me to make a move, when I am clearly clueless . . . lol.
> 
> I am not impatient or pushy, I just wanted to remark that I find it interesting that in several places on this board and in real life, it seems that an aggressive bbw always wins. thats all . . .



IME a guy who is really into you will never give you any doubt even if he is shy. you don't have to read any signals because a grown man will tell you or show you if he is really interested. if you have to read signals he isn't that interested even if he is shy. you have to be careful of guys who are so scared that they are willing to let you slip by even if they are highly interested. something is wrong with that. its not a trait thats going to serve you long term. most likely it spills over into the rest of life where it is just as inappropriate. if it frustrates you now imagine how tiring it would be to have to read minute signals from a guy years into a relationship. 

aggressive BBWs "win" is only momentary, for a night or a few months at best. its easy to make it look like you're winning when you really aren't. and, what they seem to win might not be such a big prize anyway. don't worry about what other BBWs do or what other women do. be careful not to get into competition mode. its really easy to do that. a great guy for you isn't a game or a race. just do you then the guy will be attracted to exactly what you are. if you're something other than you then he is attracted to somebody else anyway and he will find out in the end. if you want someone into you, you have to be you.


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## fatgirl04 (Dec 17, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> IME a guy who is really into you will never give you any doubt even if he is shy. you don't have to read any signals because a grown man will tell you or show you if he is really interested. if you have to read signals he isn't that interested even if he is shy. you have to be careful of guys who are so scared that they are willing to let you slip by even if they are highly interested. something is wrong with that. its not a trait thats going to serve you long term. most likely it spills over into the rest of life where it is just as inappropriate. if it frustrates you now imagine how tiring it would be to have to read minute signals from a guy years into a relationship.
> 
> aggressive BBWs "win" is only momentary, for a night or a few months at best. its easy to make it look like you're winning when you really aren't. and, what they seem to win might not be such a big prize anyway. don't worry about what other BBWs do or what other women do. be careful not to get into competition mode. its really easy to do that. a great guy for you isn't a game or a race. just do you then the guy will be attracted to exactly what you are. if you're something other than you then he is attracted to somebody else anyway and he will find out in the end. if you want someone into you, you have to be you.



It sounds like you are trying to argue the opposite of the other chick, instead of actually writing something that demonstrates a particular opinion. She didn't say anything about not being into herself. Being shy does not equal being insecure, at least thats my humble opinion.

there is a reason why nice guys always use that "nice guys finish last" mantra - its because, on some level, its true. and i think shy people could understand that.


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## penguin (Dec 18, 2010)

1love_emily said:


> What has helped me the most being a single and young BBW has been having a song in my head. I always keep music close at heart for whatever I am feeling.



Music makes a big difference in my life, too. I'm not a big country fan, but I like Dolly Parton, and this song of hers really speaks to me, especially when I'm down.


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## Sweetnlow (Dec 19, 2010)

Do not think that your too fat or to go on a date. This thought makes you isolated. You avoid things you think are fun. There are a lot of creeps out there but also wonderful men that would love to be by your side. Either they're to shy to ask you or you just do not notice how the look at you with great admiration. Focus on your interests and hobbies. That makes you more attractive. Do not lower your standards do not take second best. Being single might not be easy all the time but it is much better to be on your own than to be comitted to someone who treats you bad and does not love you.


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## superodalisque (Dec 19, 2010)

fatgirl04 said:


> It sounds like you are trying to argue the opposite of the other chick, instead of actually writing something that demonstrates a particular opinion. She didn't say anything about not being into herself. Being shy does not equal being insecure, at least thats my humble opinion.
> 
> there is a reason why nice guys always use that "nice guys finish last" mantra - its because, on some level, its true. and i think shy people could understand that.



just writing from many years of dating experience. i never thought anything about her not being into herself--just guys who won't give her the respect of showing they are into her.

a truly nice guy doesn't have to tell you that he is a nice guy. if he is such a nice guy in reality he won't finish last with everyone. it should say something that he even thinks that all women are so maladjusted that they will always turn down a truly nice guy. even worse if he thinks most women will fall for that slop. the nice guy thing is just another excuse for a lot of people who just don't measure up once women get to know them on a romantic level and have to explain why they are always alone or getting left. even if things are tough a truly nice guy will be able to have a meaningful relationship at least once in a while. they can fool women who are just friends because those women will never know how they really function on an intimate romantic level. its just like the "there are not fat girls where i live" excuse. don't fall for it. if all of the beautiful intelligent fat women out there wanting a date are never staying with them then something is wrong.

shyness is fine if you don't give in to it. its like anything else with character its habit related. if something is important enough to you and you you really want to get over it a person can practice and they will. its not all about confidence. its about feeling that the other person is worth it and that they are more important to you than always being centered on yourself and your own emotions. if someone values their shyness enough to hold onto it even though it loses them what they really want --well they have a problem they need to deal with. maybe they really just aren't ready to be in a relationship. they have things they need to take care of inside first. if a guy won't make that effort for you then he'll also probably be too lazy to put the rest of the hard emotional work it takes to actually be in a relationship with you. you'll always have to pander to him one way or another because he is used to making excuses instead of trying harder and getting better. you may as well be alone.

the shy excuse and the good guy nobody wants excuse are par for the course particularly with guys in the closet so women should be very careful of that just to keep themselves for being in a miserable situation. its okay to empathize and be supportive but don't feel too sorry for people. don't put yourself at their disposal. its a mistake. thats why its such a great idea to make friends with being single if you haven't already. its good practice for concentrating on what YOU really need and want instead of always filling in the blanks for someone else.


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## blubberismanly (Dec 21, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> Ok so rather than dwell on my rapidly loosing faith in the males of our species (so not fair cause I know for every creep out there there has to be at least one good guy), or whinge and moan about being single (wich I have no reason to do its only been a few months)
> 
> I thought I would ask all the women here who are single (or even if your not) how you manage to survive in singlesville?
> 
> ...




Here's my take, albeit from the dark side.

Men will never be interested in the person before the body. If the body is not inviting (meaning not dressed to kill, so to speak) they won't be curious. There's the obvious flaunt it if ii got it idea, and there's the be modest and get nothing one. If you choose to flaunt it, be appropriate to the place or event. In other words, it may be tempting to wear our overly flattering concert gear to a first date, but that may not work out if the date isn't to a concert. Should you choose to be modest and not wear tight things or show skin...well, let's all hope you're good enough looking to compensate. 

As far as surviving singlehood goes...all I can say is life goes on. I have been for entirely too long and there is no end in sight. It is easier to stop looking, or pretend to let fate or destiny do the work. I just accept it. I mean, of coarse I'll go out if I'm asked. I'm not actively seeking a companion anymore. Too many dead ends, wasted evenings and deleted phone numbers. 

I also feel that getting married has become a social thing. It used to be necessity back in the days of women not working outside the home and raising the kids. Our parents, many of whom were stay at home boomers, took it upon themselves to beat independance into our heads. So now we all live as individuals even after we get married. I guess what I'm saying is this generation was raised to be single. The more time one spends in the dating pool the more obvious it becomes. I don't think the majority of men are assholes, but I do think thy are picky. And they can be--just was we don't need men in our lives, they don't need women, either. With that in mind, I say again: for the most part, dating is a waste.

That's my rant. I hope it made sense to someone.


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## superodalisque (Dec 21, 2010)

blubberismanly said:


> Here's my take, albeit from the dark side.
> 
> Men will never be interested in the person before the body. If the body is not inviting (meaning not dressed to kill, so to speak) they won't be curious. There's the obvious flaunt it if ii got it idea, and there's the be modest and get nothing one. If you choose to flaunt it, be appropriate to the place or event. In other words, it may be tempting to wear our overly flattering concert gear to a first date, but that may not work out if the date isn't to a concert. Should you choose to be modest and not wear tight things or show skin...well, let's all hope you're good enough looking to compensate.
> 
> ...



i'm so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. i'm not saying this to be rude or to invalidate your experiences, but thank God that all the men i know are not like the men you have just described. i do know some to be sure as probably every woman here does. i dunno but is it possible thats an impression maybe you've gotten from the net? sounds like your accepting some online lies that some men tell to get away with stuff. all men are NOT just like them. they just like saying so in order to continue being real jerk nut case. 

there are some really great men IRL who aren't so juvenile as to be totally stuck on looks and physicality. men of course will appreciate what pleases the eye, just like anyone else. but that doesn't mean that men can't or won't value simplicity, grace and kindness in women. there are lots of things besides looks and body parts that makes a woman beautiful to a real man. the ones who really get it and have had relationships before get extremely excited by many things no one can see with the eye. don't sell men short. they are capable of a whole lot of great things , just like any woman. don't let some warped loser man or men make you feel there aren't. 

if a woman feels that there are only the kind of men you mentioned out there then it is probably a good time for her to be stepping back anyway because maybe she is just too hurt or too disillusioned to be with anyone right now. when a great guy comes she won't be able to see him if she's in that place with those types around her. maybe time alone would help her cleanse herself of some toxic emotions brought on by exposure to too many emotionally retarded guys. that way when the right guy does come she has fewer things that make her resentful and angry that she might hold against him.


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## blubberismanly (Dec 21, 2010)

That did come from experience, and none was a lie. Entirely. I admit I may be a bit disillusioned, but not horribly so. I still think it starts with appearance. I mean, what guy would buy a drink for a not-so-hot chick? A lot of it may just be patience, with sex being most important to too many guys. It's my understanding that if a guy can't picture himself in bed with a chick, he won't want anything to do with her. I think the difference between juvenile and adult here lies in the sublty. Think of this: a guy who isn't into BBWs would never find one attractive, and would never hit on one. Sex appeal is always first.


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## superodalisque (Dec 21, 2010)

blubberismanly said:


> That did come from experience, and none was a lie. Entirely. I admit I may be a bit disillusioned, but not horribly so. I still think it starts with appearance. I mean, what guy would buy a drink for a not-so-hot chick? A lot of it may just be patience, with sex being most important to too many guys. It's my understanding that if a guy can't picture himself in bed with a chick, he won't want anything to do with her. I think the difference between juvenile and adult here lies in the sublty. Think of this: a guy who isn't into BBWs would never find one attractive, and would never hit on one. Sex appeal is always first.



i agree with you on a certain level. i think that can be true to some extent for some sexually inexperienced men but even then not all. young guys come to clubs generally because they are anxious to get laid and work out their newly freed from Momma's house libido. the last thing men want to do is dress up and go and dance. they go there expressly to meet women--and usually for sex and not relationships. its true that some older men do as well, usually because they are emotionally immature. i think part of that might be due to the ways that people rush and trivialize relationships now. they don't take much time to know each other as people. in a club with loud music and short time no one has any way to know anything about anyone else. and then you have online with emotional distance an anonymity that tends to make people act as though they are just doing a bit of online shopping. so how can they really be faulted for choosing based only on looks? there isn't a whole lot more out here for them in those situations. its true a lot of men talk about looks a lot, but you'll notice that the women they usually decide they love and can't do without probably have little or nothing in common with their dream girl. thats just a sexual fantasy. it takes some men a while to understand what the real difference is between pure arousal and love connected arousal. once they do and have the real thing, if they are emotionally capable, they really don't want to go back to what they had before. so the sex fantasy talk and what they want in their hearts often have little or nothing to do with each other.

most people with deep long lasting relationships don't meet that way. you need time to really fall for someone. they need a chance to have feelings grow for you based on your character and what you do or say. if people don't have that chance then naturally they go to the looks when there isn't enough time to know more. i think thats why its great to make being single into the art of being yourself so that you get more chances to meet people just being you and doing things that are important to you. then men get a chance to fall in love with something other than what a woman looks like. i mean, who can blame them if looks are all thats being put on the table for them. they have to work with what they've got. so going to a book signing, cooking class, art class etc... not only gives you pleasure but you'll never know who you'll meet there who gets the chance to fall in love with who you are instead of having to wade through the cleavage and music so loud that no one can even fall for the way your mind works and whats coming out of your heart.


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## LovelyLiz (Dec 22, 2010)

I agree with your above post so much, SuperO. I am grateful to know lots of guys who really do care, deeply, about a woman's character and intellect and what she brings to the table besides her body. Most of my close male friends definitely appreciate a good looking woman (whatever that means to them), but she doesn't hold their attention if she doesn't bring a heck of a lot else to the table. And I know several guys that talk about becoming interested in a girl based on a comment she shared during a discussion, etc., something a lot deeper than just looks.

Quality guys are SO out there. It really just depends where you look.

I guess remembering that, and spending time with men who are like that, even as friends - can give me hope in my singleness.


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## blubberismanly (Dec 22, 2010)

Uhm, I wasn't referring solely to clubs...I've seen my friends get all dressed up just to go shopping. People meet everywhere. That's why I originally mentioned that it's good to dress appropriate for the event. I agree with the part about clubs...but again, not fully. 

The whole getting to know people in time is very true. But with all out individualism and independance it can be hard to find time to really know a person. Sounds like a lame excuse, but I think the influence is there. There are tons of people who don't think dating is fun. I'm not even in a minority here. But so many of those people are of the balanced mature mind you speak of it makes me wonder if they have the time and freedom to take to get to know someone better. And that could go for anyone, too. The single life we all get lost in can be as much a luxury as it is necessity. Luxury in the freedom sense, necessity in the financial sense.


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## EMH1701 (Dec 22, 2010)

I am pretty much a total nerd. I have found that sci-fi fandom tends to be more tolerant of differences socially, so it's a good place to be in terms of social interaction. I also play WoW and D&D.


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## superodalisque (Dec 24, 2010)

blubberismanly said:


> Uhm, I wasn't referring solely to clubs...I've seen my friends get all dressed up just to go shopping. People meet everywhere. That's why I originally mentioned that it's good to dress appropriate for the event. I agree with the part about clubs...but again, not fully.
> 
> The whole getting to know people in time is very true. But with all out individualism and independance it can be hard to find time to really know a person. Sounds like a lame excuse, but I think the influence is there. There are tons of people who don't think dating is fun. I'm not even in a minority here. But so many of those people are of the balanced mature mind you speak of it makes me wonder if they have the time and freedom to take to get to know someone better. And that could go for anyone, too. The single life we all get lost in can be as much a luxury as it is necessity. Luxury in the freedom sense, necessity in the financial sense.



i think you're right about that. but i do think if something is actually important enough at a particular moment a person will make the time though. its probably more of a case of just not meeting the person who makes someone feel emotionally that they really want to and that the pluses outweigh the negatives. plus the way people talk about marriage , coupling etc... now you can't leave out the heavy dose of fear of failure that people didn't seem to have to deal so much with in the past.

its not really necessary to couple up in life anyway. if living life on ones own and being independent is most important they definitely should not rush or force themselves. from what i gather from your profile you are pretty young. you have a lot of time to be a part of a couple when and if thats important enough to you and you meet the right person for you. it really is just fine for you to enjoy life on your own at any age. but right now you're probably just taking the time to find out who you really are. you don't have to do anything other than live your own life. enjoy the luxury of the freedom. as for the finances it can actually cost less to be in a couple and people who are married fare better financially. but thats no real reason to get into the mix anyway.

i think a big part of the issue for women is the pressure and the judgement from outside about what other people think you should be doing. people have a way of trying to make you second guess yourself and what you are comfortable with.


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## lushluv (Dec 24, 2010)

Hi. This is my first time posting here. I've been a chub since I was four, known of this site for many years, and haven't participated, but now realizing that I don't want to give up on this love thing, and knowing in my heart of hearts I don't want to settle for not being loved for all of me, I've meet a FA that I am very much interested in, he's funny, extremely intelligent, super sweet a little quirky, and tall. 

The one delima I'm having being new to all this and that I'd hoped you ladies could help me with is how do you/have you handled the food comments, the jiggly belly comments, and the feeling that sometimes _everything_ is centered around your size.

I've been reading around the board for a couple of weeks now, and it's sensory overload, so I just thought I'd ask for some advice, so my question, how do you deal with that, and yes I have talked to him, and he said he would curb it not only for my sake, but for his, but the side of me that wholehearted accepts we are attracted to what we are attracted to can't help but feel I am somehow being unfair to him, but I can't help the way I feel about the issue. 

Am I over thinking?  Just tell me, because I tend to over think *EVERYTHING*. 

Thanks.

LL


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## blubberismanly (Dec 24, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> from what i gather from your profile you are pretty young. you have a lot of time to be a part of a couple when and if thats important enough to you and you meet the right person for you. it really is just fine for you to enjoy life on your own at any age. but right now you're probably just taking the time to find out who you really are. you don't have to do anything other than live your own life. enjoy the luxury of the freedom. as for the finances it can actually cost less to be in a couple and people who are married fare better financially. but thats no real reason to get into the mix anyway..




HAHAHA!! I swear I'm not mocking; it's the irony at work. I couldn't help but laugh at that part. I've been married, though not anymore. I'm well aware of what I want, but that doesn't always factor in. And I do enjoy myself--I go clubbing from time to time. And it is cheaper being single, especially being a woman. It's just everything else outside that nightlife fantasy world I have issues with, man wise.

I agree with you, by the way.


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 24, 2010)

lushluv said:


> Hi. This is my first time posting here. I've been a chub since I was four, known of this site for many years, and haven't participated, but now realizing that I don't want to give up on this love thing, and knowing in my heart of hearts I don't want to settle for not being loved for all of me, I've meet a FA that I am very much interested in, he's funny, extremely intelligent, super sweet a little quirky, and tall.
> 
> The one delima I'm having being new to all this and that I'd hoped you ladies could help me with is how do you/have you handled the food comments, the jiggly belly comments, and the feeling that sometimes _everything_ is centered around your size.
> 
> ...



Here on Dimensions you can find a logical explanation for just about any kind of behavior you can name. Somebody will relate to it and explain why it happens or where it comes from. Enough people wil have experienced it to give it a sense of normalcy in some way or another but the bottom line is for you to be true to yourself. Just like your FA sweetie has needs and feelings so do you and one should not trump the other. Understanding is good but it doesn't mean you *have* to lie still and deal with things that make you uncomfortable. If you've talked it out and you've negotiate something that he agrees is healthy for both of you I think that's a good thing overall.


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## lushluv (Dec 24, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> Here on Dimensions you can find a logical explanation for just about any kind of behavior you can name. Somebody will relate to it and explain why it happens or where it comes from. Enough people wil have experienced it to give it a sense of normalcy in some way or another but the bottom line is for you to be true to yourself. Just like your FA sweetie has needs and feelings so do you and one should not trump the other. Understanding is good but it doesn't mean you *have* to lie still and deal with things that make you uncomfortable. If you've talked it out and you've negotiate something that he agrees is healthy for both of you I think that's a good thing overall.




That makes a ton of sense, (I can't talk to people in my life about this stuff, they seriously don't relate). I've just got to relax and stay true to what I feel is good for me, and stop giving in to my fears. 

Thank you Lilly.


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 24, 2010)

lushluv said:


> That makes a ton of sense, (I can't talk to people in my life about this stuff, they seriously don't relate). I've just got to relax and stay true to what I feel is good for me, and stop giving in to my fears.
> 
> Thank you Lilly.



Heehee, I'm glad my ramblings could help. Welcome to the boards and I wish you both the best. Don't be a stranger.


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## superodalisque (Dec 26, 2010)

lushluv said:


> Hi. This is my first time posting here. I've been a chub since I was four, known of this site for many years, and haven't participated, but now realizing that I don't want to give up on this love thing, and knowing in my heart of hearts I don't want to settle for not being loved for all of me, I've meet a FA that I am very much interested in, he's funny, extremely intelligent, super sweet a little quirky, and tall.
> 
> The one delima I'm having being new to all this and that I'd hoped you ladies could help me with is how do you/have you handled the food comments, the jiggly belly comments, and the feeling that sometimes _everything_ is centered around your size.
> 
> ...



i can't handle it and thats exactly why i could not or would not be with that type of guy. not that they are necessarily horrible people but i'm personally not comfortable with that much of a fixation in a relationship. i'd feel the same about a guy who was always talking about boobs etc... i'd keep waiting for him to grow up. it would just be emotionally disappointing for me to have someone dealing with me on that level all of the time. i would expect it in a 15 yr old but not in an adult.


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## lovelocs (Dec 26, 2010)

I guess there's now another L.L. in here.  I'm lovelocs.
When it comes to fixations, from my experience, it can be difficult to overcome them (a turn on is a turn on, and they're powerful for a reason). But if you're with this FA, and he's agreed to tone it down to a level that you're comfortable with, I don't see why you should feel guilty. You asserted a boundary, and he respected it. (OMGthat'slikesohealthy). Seriously. If he keeps on respecting it, that's a really good sign. If he feels constricted, he has to tell you this, or as far as I'm concerned, you're not liable and have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't care how perfect someone seems, boundaries have to be set with people. We were all raised in different households and communities and cultures and even countries and continents: so what's acceptable in one home may not be acceptable in another. He may even have a (hopefully reasonable) request, or two, for you. I say good luck to you, both!


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## spiritangel (Dec 26, 2010)

So how do you cope with the holliday season as a single girl?

for me I work hard to make sure I at least have a few things comming in the mail that I have bought for myself, make sure that I have a few special treats and usually set new years goals instead of resoloutions

this is my first NYE alone in 7 years the last one I cut out prepped, sewed and made a new bear that started in the old year and was finished in the new one.

so this year it will be a small feast of chinger prawns, and some special things for myself mayby a bear mayby some irocking but I will be spending it none the less alone and that is ok, I really am not as phased by it as I thought I would be.


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## CarlaSixx (Dec 27, 2010)

As a single girl on NYE, I make sure to have plans. I mayhave continued to stay single, but I always went out, had fun, made new friends, and got a bit of action. If just a kiss or a grope for a night, so be it.


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## penguin (Dec 27, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> So how do you cope with the holliday season as a single girl?



Before I had my daughter, I'd go to parties (kinky ones) and celebrate with friends. I'd always feel a bit sad as the new year hit and I had no one special to kiss, but I still had plenty of friends and attention there (side note: kinky parties - where I was known as "the naked one" - were great for my self esteem. people wanted and expected me to walk around naked, and enjoyed it, even if they weren't FAs. I've never felt more accepted than at a kink party). The last few years I've been out of action, but I've been thinking of getting back out to socialising more. I don't have any plans for NYE at the moment, so I might just be kicking back with my flatmate and having a few drinks while we play my new Wii. I try to remind myself that it is just another night, and that I'm loved by friends and family.


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## lushluv (Dec 27, 2010)

Thank you for responding superodalisque and lovelocs (neat, LL  btw, I just did the big chop, and I'm loving it, but I may loc it later). You know, this love thing is so complicated. I think that's why I just opt out every time. I'm trying to keep myself open to the experience this time, but I don't want to be imprudent, so I'll just keep feeling my way without crossing any of my own personal taboos. 

Laissez-faire. 

Thanks again ladies!


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## Rowan (Dec 27, 2010)

Weeze said:


> Does anyone else go somewhere to eat alone? We all know there are nights where you just don't feel like cooking and decide to go out... but take out is just blah sometimes... And I think one of my biggest hurdles as a single person was getting the guts to go IN somewhere to eat alone. But I do it, and for some reason, I'm kinda proud of myself every time I do.



I admit...I am terrified to go to a place and sit down and eat alone. I think i've only done it 3 times in my adult life. Once in Tampa while I was there for my job at the time, just this most recent July went to Cafe Tu Tu Tango while at a work conference, and then I went to Panera a couple months ago and waited for my classmate to show up and he never did.

I guess i just dont like going out and eating alone because i feel like people are staring and commenting. Granted...that's probably just bad self esteem and paranoia issues, but still hard to overcome


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## 1love_emily (Dec 30, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> So how do you cope with the holliday season as a single girl?.



I plan on coping by getting off my butt and being with my friends. I'm tired of looking at everyone as a potential date. I just want to be friends with everyone right now. I'm moving away in 8 months anyway


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## superodalisque (Jan 6, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I admit...I am terrified to go to a place and sit down and eat alone. I think i've only done it 3 times in my adult life. Once in Tampa while I was there for my job at the time, just this most recent July went to Cafe Tu Tu Tango while at a work conference, and then I went to Panera a couple months ago and waited for my classmate to show up and he never did.
> 
> I guess i just dont like going out and eating alone because i feel like people are staring and commenting. Granted...that's probably just bad self esteem and paranoia issues, but still hard to overcome



try taking a book if you feel self conscious at first


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## AmazingAmy (Jan 10, 2011)

I started going to eat alone in public when I was about 15. It was scary as hell for a long time, enough that I'd sometimes be on the verge of a panic attack, but like other people have suggested taking a book does help. Even if you only use it as a prop in a moment you're not comfortable in, always have one on hand.

It gets easier if you make a habit of searching for other lone diners and assess your own impression of them - do you care that they're alone, or what they look like sitting there? If not, then it's safe to say others will feel the same when they glance at you.


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## Tania (Jan 10, 2011)

Bringing something to do is a great idea! I toodle around on my iphone whenever I'm stuck by myself away from home, but particularly when I'm alone at a restaurant. Even after 17+ years of eating out regularly by myself, it's still not something I really LOVE doing. 

My issue is more of a boredom issue than anything else, though. Since I'm an extrovert, a meal out, alone, always strikes me as a wasted opportunity for togetherness and conversation. Eating is such a social thing in pretty much every culture that it's sometimes hard to imagine bothering to head to a restaurant or even cook a nice meal at home without other people to share it with. 


***

As for the holiday issue, my solution is family. I know that a lot of first world, postmodern families aren't like mine, but it's traditional in my family/culture to spend new year's eve with folks and family friends rather than with a date. I get that we're not just old-country ethnic - we're also WEIRD. Like seriously. But it's fun. 

This year, which was fairly typical, we all went to our favorite Chinese restaurant. Then, we hung out at home watching Back to the Future 3 (mainly because my brother recently rebuilt the boiler on the locomotive used in the film, but also because it's awesome) while my brother, his fiancee, and his best friend Paul worked on my dad's live steam engine and shot blanks from black powder pistols. At midnight, we make as much noise as possible - my dad and brother play music on really obnoxious-sounding Greek reed instruments (karamoudzes) while my mother drums. Some years we play cards and bake new year's bread (vasilopita, St. Basil's bread). 

At any rate, it's the shit we do. It's not just a Plan B, it's something I miss if I skip a year.


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