# Bless the gods or goddesses of eye candy....



## tankgirl (Jan 22, 2010)

...Or damn them all to hell, I canNOT make up my mind. >.<
After five long quarters of school, there is finally a guy in my class that I just cannot keep my eyes off of.

He's not taken.

I am, but it's a fairly open relationship. We both have our "side interests," and know where home is, so it's okay.
The issue I'm contmplating here is how to explain this. He already noticed my ring, and I said I'm involved in an open-ended relationship. He switched topics to his cousin, and dropped the last topic like it was hot.

So now I have to either wait for him to bring it back up, or I have to bring it up myself.

And then I also have to question if he's even half interested. *sigh* I'm not so hot at reading people.
So we have the puppy-dog kinda follow me around thing going on; asking for rides home from class (today, he didn't really ask, just kind of assumed, but that's fine); making sure we work together at least once a day; made sure I was included in his group for our other class; a kind of under-the-breath conversation with someone else about "she's married" and the other person kept sneaking glances at me (I have tolerably long ears); I smile for ANY reason in his direction and he lights up like an overpowered bulb (and since I can't take that class seriously any more than I can NOT like chubby-plus guys, I smile a LOT); offerings of his munchies (which are not plentiful, and I can't eat a lot of that stuff anymore anyway, I have a new "food plan" to control my blood sugar)... and all the other little things that make me wonder.

I dunno. And since I've imagined things about other people more often than I've been right, I really don't know. And kinda worry.

He got to complaining a bit about his size; I aim to assist him a little in changing his views about himself- a little, I know, the whole "horse to water" thing, right, I know. Not expecting miracles, just maybe to open his eyes a little. (Actually, I'm going to be aiming for making his eyes pop out, if things go the way I hope, but that's a bit different. ) Anyway.
Oddly, he didn't react much when I commented that he's not that big, and that I dated a 420-lb guy for a while. I got the impression that he was biting his tongue, and I couldn't see his face fully, but I think he also twitched a bit. Like the whole "soda through the nose" twitch but restrained. I think. Maybe I imagined it. I just don't know. (I say that a lot. o.o )

The only thing I do know is I should proceed with caution.

Aside from that, any advice? Especially from you BHMs who remember being 22 and in college for the first time.
And keep in mind, near as I can figure (from what I've heard from the guys complaining about their girls), I'm almost one of the local unicorns; older than him (26), into cars and motorcycles, patient, not hideously bitchy (unless it's deserved), artistic, kinda geeky, and can hold my own in any conversation without dominating it- unless I get excited. Heh. And in a relationship- open, but still a relationship, and no idea how to explain how open "open" is. 
So he's probably a bit intimidated, I think, maybe...... I dunno.

He frequently talks like he's nervous as all hell when we're alone or in a small group- fast, kinda loud, jumps from topic to topic, some sorts of bragging type stuff. Not the same as when we're in class and he's talking to someone else. So I think maybe I'm right. Like he's trying to be impressive, and he knows that I know that he knows his life is kind of screwed up at the moment, and that he's trying to compensate a bit.
Lord only knows, like every other female here, I'd prefer to see the whole real thing, get it over with. On the other hand, I also know where he's coming from and why he's nervous, sort of.

Ideas?

(I'm still kicking myself for not grabbing his phone number today. >.<;
((DAMMIT, he's cute. Hour an a half later and I still can't get him off my head.))


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## BigChaz (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if I was in his shoes, I would probably avoid getting serious or intimate or even having fun with someone in an "open" relationship. Maybe he is the same way?

I just have absolutely zero interest in being involved with someone in a relationship for a couple of reasons....

1) When they say no drama will happen, I don't believe that at all and really don't want to invite that into my life

2) Don't want to commit myself to something with no potential long-term

3) I would feel skeezy sleeping with another man's woman even though he is OK with it


I am not judging you or think what you are doing is wrong, that is just how I feel about open relationships and why if I was in his shoes I would be a little lackluster in my response to you. I had the opportunity to do things with a girl about two weeks ago, but she let slip she had a boyfriend. I immediately shut her down. I just can't imagine sleeping with someone elses girl knowing how it would feel if I was in his shoes. I am a puss I guess!


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## Durin (Jan 22, 2010)

Continue to play things casually, but if things wander off into the straights of dusk just put your cards on the table.

Don't you young folks have this thing called "hooking up"

It's not really my thing as I don't think I could have sex with someone that I wasn't fully invested in but give it a shot if it works for you.


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## djudex (Jan 22, 2010)

At 22 I probably would have been all over a deal such as that like a dirty shirt but then again I was in a weird place with weird people when I was 22.


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## escapist (Jan 22, 2010)

I had my first harem if you will in my early 20's. I will say I consider honesty to be the best policy even if it doesn't work in your favor. That is just me though. I'm really sucky lier, and I know it. To me its just as ok for people to reject you as it is to accept you. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.


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## stldpn (Jan 23, 2010)

tankgirl said:


> ...Or damn them all to hell, I canNOT make up my mind. >.<
> After five long quarters of school, there is finally a guy in my class that I just cannot keep my eyes off of.
> 
> He's not taken.
> ...



I'm going to try not to sound condescending but you know guys are cautious when a female says she's in an open relationship. Cause until the guy walks in on you and the girl up to something and seems cool with it, you don't really know that * they're both aware that they're in an open relationship* . Caution is important, because jealousy is motive.


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## MaybeX (Jan 23, 2010)

I'd be very hesitant and cautious about that kind of thing_ now_. 
At 22 it would have confused the hell out of me. :blush:


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## FishCharming (Jan 24, 2010)

he's 22, just jump him next time he gets in your car! he sounds like he has a thing for you so why not? if he has qualms he'll either let you know or he wont and just go with it, either way you get some sort of closure. although the wondering phase is kinda fun sometimes


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## Melian (Jan 26, 2010)

tankgirl,

You should casually tell him that someone asked you out, and you're deciding whether or not to go hang out with him. See what your guy does


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## tankgirl (Jan 28, 2010)

Melian said:


> tankgirl,
> 
> You should casually tell him that someone asked you out, and you're deciding whether or not to go hang out with him. See what your guy does


 
Hmmm... Considering my personality type overall, this is the most amusing and plausible idea I've heard....
Mind, my ol' man (aka permanent sig. other), he's cool. So... hmm.


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## tankgirl (Jan 29, 2010)

BigChaz said:


> Well, if I was in his shoes, I would probably avoid getting serious or intimate or even having fun with someone in an "open" relationship. Maybe he is the same way?
> 
> I just have absolutely zero interest in being involved with someone in a relationship for a couple of reasons....
> 
> ...


 
That's sad; I thought more of you BHMs might have understood some of us FFAs and our only way of saying "You're hot and I lust for you but I'm not so sure I could live with you." You men do it too.
#1. That's why I don't say "no drama." I just don't talk about it. Talking about it invites it, and I see no reason for that.
#2. What commitment other than be here at this time and have fun? Are you crazy?
#3. First, it all comes down to ground rules. Like, not in his/our bed. He hears about it from me before anywhere else. And such.
Your loss......
......And you said it first. ;¬.¬


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## tankgirl (Jan 29, 2010)

stldpn said:


> I'm going to try not to sound condescending but you know guys are cautious when a female says she's in an open relationship. Cause until the guy walks in on you and the girl up to something and seems cool with it, you don't really know that *they're both aware that they're in an open relationship* . Caution is important, because jealousy is motive.


 
Depends on the ground rules. See my other post. Maybe you'dd have to be here.


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## veil (Jan 29, 2010)

i know i'm echoing what others have said, but people i have known have been burned by a potential partner, not because they were in an open relationship, but because they weren't and said so anyway. this may be a factor for explaining this guy's hesitation--obviously you or your partner are not the types to do that--or it could seriously be something else.

i think you may have to make the first move or make the first move easy & obvious to him. he may be used to rejection, unfortunately that happens a lot, so he may be afraid of that. caveat: i usually make the first move, so i may be biased. have some delicious grains of salt to accompany this meal of my opinions.


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## tankgirl (Jan 29, 2010)

...A peanut gallery full of parrots.
>.<

*upends saltshaker and applies liberally to topic*
Look, I know y'all mean well, but check it out.
1. He's single. 
2. He's only had two gfs, and both were psycho and he knew it. So he's not like, scarred, like all y'all seem to be.
3. He's NOT 40, jaded, cynical and crap like the rest of you are coming off like. 

:doh:
....Never mind.


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## Tad (Jan 29, 2010)

Hey Tank--you asked for feedback, people gave it. That it wasn't the feedback that you wanted to hear isn't their fault. Way to burn bridges :doh:


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## FishCharming (Jan 29, 2010)

again, he's 22... 
and if he's only been in two relationships he's not struggling with any moral quandary, he just doesn't know how to approach the situation. 

granted all guys are not like me when i was 22, but when a girl that i was interested in showed interest in me i jumped on any opportunity, whether she was attached or not. there's something liberating about being with an otherwise taken women. it kind of forces all of the concerns about future out and makes you enjoy the moment for what it is. 

i still think you should just maul him next time the two of you are alone...


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## tankgirl (Jan 30, 2010)

I give the hell up.

1. He's 22.
2. He's a 22 year old preacher.
3. Who's the son of a preacher.
4. He's also a twenty-two year old virgin. (Apparently he never did anything with the last two.)
5. He's a Seventh Day Adventist.

Fuck it all, I give up. :doh:
Who needs advice about nothing anyway.


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## tankgirl (Jan 30, 2010)

Tad said:


> Hey Tank--you asked for feedback, people gave it. That it wasn't the feedback that you wanted to hear isn't their fault. Way to burn bridges :doh:


 
So what.
All I think is if enough people say the same thing you would, there's no point in adding your two cents. Lord only knows that's the main reason I don't talk a lot is cause someone already said what I would.
And that's probably wrong too, so who cares.
*sods off*


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## tankgirl (Jan 30, 2010)

Someone close this damn topic, it's pointless to leave it open.


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## stldpn (Jan 30, 2010)

tankgirl said:


> Depends on the ground rules. See my other post. Maybe you'dd have to be here.



Look I can only say one thing as a guy. Years ago I had a friend who took a blunt object to the back of the head in an apt stairwell just because he was HELPING his girlfriend's friend to move out on a guy. You can never count on certainty if you're doing anything that might even be perceived as interference to someone else's relationship. It's not being jaded just cautious.


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## Rowan (Jan 30, 2010)

BigChaz said:


> Well, if I was in his shoes, I would probably avoid getting serious or intimate or even having fun with someone in an "open" relationship. Maybe he is the same way?
> 
> I just have absolutely zero interest in being involved with someone in a relationship for a couple of reasons....
> 
> ...



I commend you sir...nice to see a man with some standards!!


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## tankgirl (Feb 6, 2010)

Are there any REAL answers, please? From people who understand the fucking lifestyle, mind-- not you little bits of tuberculotic sputum with a bone to pick and no real point to make. Your all-important honor is special and shiny; we all witness, in awe and "Awwwww." Now go away.
I don't even know if it matters, really, but why the hell not. Maybe one of the other "ol dirty bastards" on the board (someone ho actually GETS it) will give me some odd bit of insight that puts something important into the right perspective. Who knows.
And keep your stupid horror stories to yourselves. Not everyone is that completey lacking in common sense, and I'm starting to become offended that you think all swingers are the same.

And just so we're clear: THIS is bridge burning.


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## escapist (Feb 6, 2010)

Speaking from experience, somethings you just can't know till you try. Especially when the heart is involved. It can be risky business but if its what you really want and how you really want to live perhaps you have more to loose by not living out who you really want to be. Like others have said you may just have to put yourself out there and risk getting your arm chewed off. Like I said, its truly a choice only you can make.


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## TraciJo67 (Feb 6, 2010)

Just because he's _22_, and not one of the "useless old farts" that you've so eloquently opined about, doesn't mean that he doesn't yearn for a traditional relationship with the right girl, which may not include someone who is, in any way, committed to someone else. If he's hesitant, then you already know the reason. Why did you solicit advise in the first place? Given your vicious assault on those who earnestly attempted a stab at it, I can only assume it was to hear your own flaps yap.


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## BigChaz (Feb 6, 2010)

tankgirl said:


> And just so we're clear: THIS is bridge burning.



You sound mad. Are you mad? I think you are mad. heh.


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## tankgirl (Feb 7, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> Just because he's _22_, and not one of the "useless old farts" that you've so eloquently opined about, doesn't mean that he doesn't yearn for a traditional relationship with the right girl, which may not include someone who is, in any way, committed to someone else. If he's hesitant, then you already know the reason. Why did you solicit advise in the first place? Given your vicious assault on those who earnestly attempted a stab at it, I can only assume it was to hear your own flaps yap.


 
That's right, I did ask for ADVICE.
Not horror stories, not about your shiny HONOR and how you are not dirty, and certainly not about what YOU want- or don't.
This is the equivalent of asking people what car to buy and hearing what happens WHEN you buy the car. The accidents, the DUIs, the price of gas in Sweden.... NOT THE POINT.
And speaking of yap flapping, why the fuck are you all of a sudden jumping in? ADVICE, not more GARBAGE. 
Besides. I fully accept that I'm probably not going to get any good advice out here. 
THAT IS NOT ADVICE.
Unless you have NEW advice that has NOTHING to do with your buddy, your ex, whatever getting hurt because stupid people are incapable of swinging freely; shut the hell up.
And for the useful bits I did get- by PM- THANKS. Sorry I haven't responded to all of you, but I have read what you said. Some of that will help. I do appreciate it.


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## djudex (Feb 7, 2010)

Wow...just...wow..

My advice? Take a couple of deep breaths and go take some anger management courses, it'll help with acquiring and retaining new play partners.


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## TraciJo67 (Feb 7, 2010)

tankgirl said:


> That's right, I did ask for ADVICE.
> Not horror stories, not about your shiny HONOR and how you are not dirty, and certainly not about what YOU want- or don't.
> This is the equivalent of asking people what car to buy and hearing what happens WHEN you buy the car. The accidents, the DUIs, the price of gas in Sweden.... NOT THE POINT.
> And speaking of yap flapping, why the fuck are you all of a sudden jumping in? ADVICE, not more GARBAGE.
> ...


 
Are you done vomiting? Sweetie, I've been yarped on by a toddler with a tummy full of bad milk. This? Yawn city.

I did want to correct one thing. Your lifestyle? Your choice. I'm not judging it. It works for you, and for your current man. Frankly, I see very little judgment about it coming from anyone else. You *did* ask for advise about how to proceed with man #2, who does show all the signs of being attracted to you, as well as somewhat reluctant to act on that attraction. Perhaps this isn't about you at all, eh? I think that most of the advise that you've been given centers around what may (or may not be) going on in his head. Speculation. It is what drives the internet, dearie.

Think I'm a fool? YOU'RE the one seeking advise ... on the internet.


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 7, 2010)

djudex said:


> Wow...just...wow..
> 
> My advice? Take a couple of deep breaths and go take some anger management courses, it'll help with acquiring and retaining new play partners.



Yeah.

Tankgirl, the entire usefulness of old people is they've lived longer than you have and had more time to experience things. I'm not at all saying we're smarter or necessarily more savvy or knowledgeable about everything, but we have lived longer than you have and thus have the possibility of either having been in this situation or having seen it. There are at least two active posters on Dims who are polyamorous and they're both over 30. They probably would have had some good advice for you if they'd seen this thread.

If you wanted responses only from self ascribed swingers or anyone in an open relationship you should have just said so. Most of the time if somebody asks a question and indicates they only want responses from a particular size or gender or age, that is respected. Going all buckwild on everyone who responded is really rude and pointless. I did not see anyone criticize you, just offered perspective. 

For what it's worth (and given my age and non-polyamorous orientation it's worth nothing) the fact of a 22 year old virgin preacher not pursuing an older married woman is not all that remarkable.


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## lovelocs (Feb 7, 2010)

To try to understand the OP's reaction to her responses, I went back through this thread and counted up the total number of replies that were not from the OP- 19.
I then went through and counted the posts which were either accepting, or tried to be helpful to the OP. I came up with 6, which could vary based on interpretation. 
About one third.
When you consider that everyone doesn't swing, and that a lot of folks might not do so for what they consider very good reasons, it really does seem like people made 
an effort to understand your situation, and contribute what they could.
Some were overtly unsympathetic, but that does happen here from time to time. 
Good luck with your BHM, and if he truly wants what you're offering, he'll accept it. But it is, of course, his choice. He may be happy being a preacher 
and having preacher values. That's my advice. Also, don't call people unhip unless you want them to laugh audibly at you.



The count told me to tell you to get a grip. 

View attachment dacount.jpg


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## xxeell (Feb 7, 2010)

Did you and this guy ever take pictures? I'd like to see how this guy looks. =)


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Feb 9, 2010)

Ok, first of all, there is no reason for any kind of personal attacks or judgment of others lifestyle choices, you all know that.

Secondly, I had initially put this thread on moderated status just to clean it up a bit. It can be an interesting topic to explore and discussion can happen in a civil manner. I know this can be done. 

I really don't like to lock threads.

/mod


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Feb 9, 2010)

Ok, now that I've said that.

My experience has been fairly limited with the swinger community. I have friends that own a club, and we've gone a few times. My guy and I have been invited to some of their "private" parties. But the one thing that has been a bit of a hindrance in actually exploring anything is my guy's issues with his own body image. He has said he's interested in checking it out. He has expressed interest in being a little more "adventurous" or "open" but when it comes down to it, when I'm ready to go, or make plans to go...it doesn't happen. When I ask why, it's because he's not comfortable. Hell he won't even think about heading out to a nudist camp with me. (another item on my list of things I'd like to try at least once) It comes down to his own perception of his body, and his uncomfortableness in his own skin.

This might come into play with this young guy too. Mix in the fact he's a preacher and a seventh day adventist, and I don't think he's going to bite. Unless there's something about SDAs I'm missing out on.

Even though he's young and might be a bit more curious or open to different ideas (not saying age has anything to do with an adventurous nature mind you) but the mixture of the elements presented don't seem to be one that'll pan out well.

That's just my take.


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## steadydecline (Feb 9, 2010)

Here's a thought.

Maybe he's not into you.


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