# Need some insight from the BHMs here.



## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 22, 2005)

Alrighty. First off let me say, I absolutely love my guy. I really really really do. Not only do I find him incredibly physically attractive. He has a great sense of humor, we have fun when we're together, he's supportive, he's everything I could ever ask for. 

However, there is one thing that I just don't get. He has confidence oozing out of his ears, but when I tell him he looks hot. Or that I can't believe how sexy he looked in something, he gets all goofy. Initially it was just joking saying I got dropped on my head or something as a kid. But just last night it turned to a serious conversation.

He says he's not used to someone being attracted to him for physical reasons. He says that it's his personality that wins them over. 

I told him that initially what drew me to him was the physical. And when I saw what the whole package was, the humor, the support, the caring, I couldn't help but love him totally and completely. I mean even everyday things like going shopping, sitting around watching tv. I love all of it with him. 

I'm not saying that he's perfect, because neither am I, but he's as perfect as I could ever hope for.

Ok, now what I want to know is. Does it make any of you guys when someone who's attracted to you is very open about it? I don't mean just on here, but in person. 

My adult life I've been very open about the guys I find attractive. My friends, when I was single, would point out guys that were my type all the time. And yes I would approach them. Talk and flirt and have fun. I tell him all the time just how sexy I find him and I can't keep my hands off him when we're together. (The hands on thing doesn't seem to be the problem, it's the verbal that makes him sort of uncomfortable.)

Ok I'm rambling on here. I just want to know. Do you guys find verbal compliments make you uncomfortable?


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## GunnDancer (Dec 22, 2005)

Banshee,

I'd have to say thats a pretty accurate represenation of most BHM's. We're so used to being compared to all the muscular and atheletic guys of the world...I'd imagine much like many bbw's feel compared to the "super models"(yuck) of the world...So when we get complimented we don't really know how to react.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 22, 2005)

Thanks Gunndancer. I'll be looking for more responses (hopefully)

I know that I had issues many years ago, because I am definitely not the "supermodel" type. But I got over it. lol

Maybe he'll get over it in time?


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## Jes (Dec 22, 2005)

I wonder, since you h ad this open talk with him, do you think you could get him to talk more? Maybe model the behavior that you'd like to see from him? Surely he compliments you, and when he does, thank him and tell him why it's nice to hear such things, and how you know they're true b/c you believe him, etc. etc. Whatever you feel would help him over the hump in as much as any of us can ever help anyone over that hump? 

I had a friend who was hysterical. I used to tell him so and more than once, he accused me of being mean/sarcastic (or lying). And I finally had to really call him out b/c I wasn't lying and it was hurtful to me that he'd think that, or react that way. I realize that's not the case you described, but many years ago someone schooled me gently on learning to take a compliment, even if you're not feeling it. Someone has just given you a gift, you're not supposed to refuse it or look less-than-pleased to receive it. Fake it 'til you make it.

Good luck!


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## curvluver (Dec 22, 2005)

Hey Banshee

I am not sure if it is a problem which is solely related to being a BHM, and more of a size acceptance issue. As a BHM I have trouble believing that anybody can find me attractive, and I keep telling my wife that she's just a biased individual for saying that (but she in turn tells me I'm biased when I tell her that she's the sexiest creature on the planet. Go figure). Probably just something which since we've been ingrained in us from a young age that fat==ugly that it's hard for us to overcome this.


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## Tad (Dec 22, 2005)

I've been married over eleven years, and my wife has been in the size 16-20 range all of that time. When I tell how beautiful or how sexy she is, the best I get in the way of responses is still "I'm glad you think so." There are clear overtones in the way she says it of "At least you are delusional in a nice way."

For that matter, although I have a pretty fertile and flexible imagination, I have a hard time imagining anyone telling me right now how attractive I am and making me believe it. 

But, I think there is a sliver of hope. I've found better luck with "You are so beautiful/sexy/gorgeous/whatever to me" or "I am so attracted to you" or even "I'm so turned on by you." Where someone may not believe--may not ever believe--that they are attractive or sexy in a general sense, they might believe that they are to a specific person.

There is a book that I've recommended several times on these boards, called "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" which has a lot of good advice about achieving good communication. One thing I recall it suggesting is that when someone says something that to you seems impossible, probably it means you are looking at the world a different way than they are, and if you can think of a way of looking at things where what they say makes sense, you'll understand them much better. 

The example in the book was roughly a patron at a library tries to check out a huge heap of books on one subject, and the librarian says "that is too many." The patron asks how many you are allowed to take out, and the librarian says there is no actual rule, but you should not take out so many books. The patron thinks the librarian is being crazy, because to the patron the purpose of a library is to lend books. The librarian thinks the patron is abusing the system, because to the librarian the library is a repository of knowledge, and you should never take out so much that others might not find information on a topic. I think it is easy to see the worldview of a big person who is glad to have someone attracted to them, but doesn't believe that they are actually attractive--it is the worldview we are sold all the time. Getting him to see a worldview where he could be considered attractive is harder, but it might be worth the effort to at least get him to acknowledge that this view of the world can and does exist.

Regards;

-Ed


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 22, 2005)

Keep the responses comin'

but I wanted to say thanks to Jes, curvluver and edx. 

I will continue on my quest to let him see that I'm not crazy, I just have a different point of view compared to the rest of the world. 



Also, I'm going to make sure that I do incoporate the "to me" addendum to some of my verbal appraisals.


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## Jackoblangada (Dec 22, 2005)

An excellent questions Blue..and a common occurence I imagine. 
It took me a very long time to come to belive that as a fat man i to could look and feel attractive. I am sure some of the other men would have similar experiences as. Many of us grew up being told how unattractive we were as fat men. Several times i heard."you would be so good looking if you weren't so big.." Things along that line. Or the people who would just point and say gross or openly mock us. I recall just saying hello to a woman at a bar once who literally turned around looked at me and said "yuck". That was it. For those of us that remember a time when there was no internet where we could find places like this, we were secluded. We did not know there were women out there who liked us _because of our size. 
I normally dated women who liked me despite my size, never any that had been attracted to me because of it. 
The first FFA i dated was thankfully pretty patient as she slowly wore down my defenses. She would not just tell me how hot she thought i was, she would show me. By her touch, by what turned her on, by my body. 
Now thankfully I am not shy about my myself or my looks. 
And at the risk of sounding conceited, i know that i am a good looking man. Not every womans tastes but to those that like my size I am hot. 
What an amazing change in my perspective on the world. 
Anyway, that is my advice to all of you lovely FFA's/ Be patient, be persistent, be honest. Tell them how hot they are and how their bodies make you feel. If you have a thing for bellies, touch it, kiss it, tell him how sexy it is. I know that that kind of open sensuality is difficult for many, especailly women (gender roles and sexual openness is a whole nother topic!) but try your best to over come it. 
Do not be coy, As with all men, we are dense. Don;t be subtle and hope we get the message. Be upfront and tell us and show us. 
Here endeth the lecture. lol. Sorry if i sound obnoxsious. It is a subject that I have given much thought to. I welcome further discussion on this so feel free to contact should someone not want to respond on the board. _


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## TheMildlyStrangeone (Dec 23, 2005)

From my perspective, I think that if I knew the girl I was dating was into BHM's then I'd definitely believe that she was attracted to me. However,I could understand the impulse to have a cynical nature towards any compliments. I know personally I'm very reactionary to any compliment that is given to me just because of my upbringing. I mean, I think you'd agree that if you have been told your entire life that you are worthless and everyone pretty much gives you that feeling then it's hard to believe to the contrary. I think your guy is very lucky to have a lady love him for who he is.


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## diafol (Dec 23, 2005)

hi everyone,i totally understand what your man feels,i actually do not trust anyone who compliments me.it is something i have grown up with,being fat all my life has given me a hard outer shell which negative comments as well as positive comments do not get through.i am a normal guy and do normal things but when a women starts showing interest i will do my best to put her off,not that it happens much as the size acceptance movement is a bit behind here with obesity being a topic on the news very regularly and it is all negative.


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## sparkee1958 (Dec 23, 2005)

I am a big guy, 6'1", 305, and I love it when a woman enjoys my size, openly and publicly. Hopefully your b/f will realize how lucky he is, and how special you are and your relationship is, so it can be all that you hope it can be, both physically and otherwise. I hope that is in my cards too, hehehe


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## Tad (Dec 23, 2005)

If you have never really had compliments on your appearance, and "know" that you are not attractive, then you also know that anyone complimenting you is not being totally honest. Maybe they are trying to soften you up to get something from you, maybe they are secretly mocking you, maybe something even stranger is happening....

I'm not saying this is a logical, reasoned, response--but this is the instinctive response. It kind of goes with my "find a world view where these words make sense" discussion--the compiment makes no sense on its own merits, so in what world would it make sense? How about if she is not actually attracted to you physically, but is trying to hide that fact? Or if she sees you as a good provider and is trying to captivate you in another way, or.....

Like I said, a lot of that won't go through open, concious, rational thought--but the subconcious can still spit all those suspicions out.

-ed


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## missaf (Dec 23, 2005)

This isn't just a BHM issue, I think it's a self esteem issue in general. Many people I have met do not accept compliments well because of their own opinions about themselves. I bought a dear BBW friend of mine a very nice slinky wonderful shirt I knew she'd look hot in, and she wouldn't wear it after she tried it on, until one of our friends saw her in it, and his jaw hit the floor, and he did everything he could to let her know she looked hot!

Consistency and personalizing the compliments always helps. I call my man "handsome" every day, and I even answer my phone that way when I know he's calling. I look him right in the eye and tell him how attractive he is to me, and I make sure to tell him how much I adore looking at him and admiring his gorgeous body.


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## pickleman357 (Dec 24, 2005)

Well, this kinda thing happened to me too. 

At the beginning of 2005, I was 220lbs, lots of muscle on me. I was chubby at best. Then I went back to school for video game design so I sat infront of a computer day in and day out, stopped working and working out and I got a big, 30lbs Gamer Gut I call it. I'm 250ish-lbs now and my g/f loves my belly.

I'll admit that the first time she told me, I kinda looked at her like she on something. Why? I have no freakin clue. :doh: 

But after she started rubbing it and kissing it, I'm actually looking forward to making it bigger. :eat1: 

My suggestion

Guys are physical by nature. If you want to drive a point home, start doing it physically. It worked on me!


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## bigwideland (Dec 28, 2005)

It is a common theme that stems from the position of our western culture, thin people do not have to question their weight appearance just the degree of beauty they have, many thin people still consider then self plane and have a degree of rejection risk. But with fat people the issues is that we are always have the certain risk that most elements of society will view us are ugly and an abomination. It is only a small element that see us as people that are sexy. I understand that most people I street will see we as a fat ugly person, does that upset me, no, does it bother we, yes at times, does it restrict my actions at times, yes, but I understand that some women love the big man, if a person shows interest I will show it back. Sites like this have shown me this. It also important not to assume that a big persons shyness towards love and sex is due to size along, some people are shy about relations period.

BWL


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## Traci (Dec 28, 2005)

I just wanted to say that I think Jackoblangada and BigWideLand are two of the HOTTEST BIG HANDSOME BABES I have ever had the pleasure to know!!
Girls in Seattle and Melbourne--you just don't know what you're missing!!

YOU TWO ROCK!!!!!!!:kiss2:


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## bigwideland (Dec 29, 2005)

Traci said:


> I just wanted to say that I think Jackoblangada and BigWideLand are two of the HOTTEST BIG HANDSOME BABES I have ever had the pleasure to know!!
> Girls in Seattle and Melbourne--you just don't know what you're missing!!
> 
> YOU TWO ROCK!!!!!!!:kiss2:



Yes, we do rock, then jiggle, sway, bounce, wobble, flop,......

thanks we love all FFA's on this site,


BWL.


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## Jackoblangada (Dec 29, 2005)

You're a sweetheart! Thanks Traci! Nice to know we are apreciated! Looking forward to having coffee!


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## Alvinolagnia (Dec 29, 2005)

Edx-

Some really great insights! I love the whole "worldview" discussion. I'm really into human communication topics - very intriguing.

My b/f, who I consider a BHM, often turns my compliments to him around. If I call him sexy, his response is, "No, you're sexy." If I say he's handsome he usually makes weird twisted faces in response or he'll say something like, "Not sure where you come from!" Most of the time though, when I compliment him, he doesn't react at all. He doesn't know how to take compliments, I don't think...

I have a question for all the BHMs and FFAs on this site that I'll post separately related to this topic.

Thanks for the words of wisdom!


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Jan 3, 2006)

I just wanted to say thanks.

All of the responses were helpful.

Also, it let me know that I'm not alone. I actually talked with him about this over the holidays. He's a bit better now, however he still thinks I'm nutty or something.

But I love him, so there it'll stay. :wubu:


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## curvluver (Jan 3, 2006)

Glad we were able to help blue. Hope it works out for ya!


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## Karebehr (Jan 3, 2006)

Banshee
I am just the same. This FFA/BHM thing is new to me, and I have a hard time when a lady compliments me on my looks. I never realised there were women who liked big guys, like me, and this is hard to get use to.

Well, thats all I have....
Take Care all....and Happy New Year
Karebehr


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## sparkee1958 (Jan 5, 2007)

I don't know how to say this without being too personal about it. I'm sure he is a sensitive enough man that can sense your excitement when you are loving his chub. The parts of him you enjoy most, he's probably been criticized for, and a long duration of that makes anyone hardened, and even less than adequate about those parts of themselves. It WILL come in time, but the little things you can do, will only reinforce your desires, and improve his attitude about it, at least that is what I hope will happen for you.


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## kattylee (Jan 5, 2007)

I have been reading this thread with interest, as I have a similar dilemma (although worse I think!) on my thread down the page.
I think that society DOES by and large tell us that fat = unattractive. It takes a lot in someone's mind to overcome that. I'd love some extra tips on how to subtly but slowly make it VERY clear that I love bigger guys.


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## Amandy (Jan 5, 2007)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> (The hands on thing doesn't seem to be the problem, it's the verbal that makes him sort of uncomfortable.)
> 
> Ok I'm rambling on here. I just want to know. Do you guys find verbal compliments make you uncomfortable?



Funny, I've found that the verbal isn't such an issue as the "hands on" - a gentle, sweet belly carress can make some men recoil in horror. This is frustrating. Either way, I can understand the hill we sometimes have to climb.


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## Spiff (Jan 7, 2007)

kattylee said:


> I have been reading this thread with interest, as I have a similar dilemma (although worse I think!) on my thread down the page.
> I think that society DOES by and large tell us that fat = unattractive. It takes a lot in someone's mind to overcome that. I'd love some extra tips on how to subtly but slowly make it VERY clear that I love bigger guys.



i don't post very often...at all...and granted what i did wasn't subtle...at all...but let me tell you what i did to my boyfriend the a couple of nights ago:

he and i got on the subject of what turns us on. i know what gets him going, but he wanted to know about *me*, since i never seem to bring it up. now, i've made no secret of how physically attractive i find him, and while my guy is very self confident, i was afraid of getting one of the negative reactions described here if i just came right out and told him about my preference...that he'd think i was "just saying that" because i happened to be dating a fat guy, that he'd think i was BSing him, that i made this up, etc. so instead of _telling_ him, i booted up the computer, pulled up this message board, left it up, went in the kitchen to work on dinner, and pretty much let things work themselves out. it just made sense to me to do it that way. i pulled this up out of my favorites in a matter of seconds, so obviously this wasn't something i had just made up...and obviously it wasn't "just me", there's a whole board full of people here who love fat men. subtle, no, but it worked. he got the message, and he loved it.


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## adrianTX (Jan 11, 2007)

Again here I go with my 2 cents. Having been big my whole life (I currently am 6'4 251), I found it hard to consider myself really "attractive". As I got older, I realized that the people who were only focused on looks were usually the last ones I wanted to meet anyway. The first real relationship I had was with a partner who was able to show me that I was desirable, interesting, and worthy of attention. A lof of it has to do with having the mindset of "being attractive." While I don't go down the street saying "look at me", I am confident in who I am and what I am. Confidence is sexy, I always say that, but I would daresay women would say the same about men. You ladies will have to answer that one.






It takes a real man to wear purple


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## moonvine (Jan 11, 2007)

adrianTX said:


> Again here I go with my 2 cents. Having been big my whole life (I currently am 6'4 251), I found it hard to consider myself really "attractive". As I got older, I realized that the people who were only focused on looks were usually the last ones I wanted to meet anyway. The first real relationship I had was with a partner who was able to show me that I was desirable, interesting, and worthy of attention. A lof of it has to do with having the mindset of "being attractive." While I don't go down the street saying "look at me", I am confident in who I am and what I am. Confidence is sexy, I always say that, but I would daresay women would say the same about men. You ladies will have to answer that one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Confidence in men is soooo hot. In fact, it is essential.


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