# Reactions and Observations From a "Mismatched" Couple



## landshark (Jul 4, 2017)

I've been mulling this over for a few months now. I think it's discussion worthy here on Dims, but I've struggled to find the right way to present it. Until now. 

We went to a water park yesterday and my wife was in a swimsuit (naturally). Now obviously she wasn't the only plus size woman there but I was easily one of the most fit men there, especially if you control for age. That combination: fit man, fat woman, was a bit rare. We're both people watchers so we often notice when people notice us.

Most of the time people tend to go about their own business and don't seem to notice us. But sometimes people do and sometimes their reactions are visibly noticeable. 

Some observations from yesterday:

- My wife pointed out a pair of fit girls and noted they'd been giving the two of us some stares. She said, "Those skinny bitches can't seem to accept that a fat girl has a fit husband. They probably assume you're miserable or embarrassed." I made sure I got physically and visibly affectionate after that, flaunting it even. We experienced something similar at the beach last summer and I had been a bit handsy-onny with her without even knowing some women next to us had been not so discreet in their criticism of her body and even hinted sympathy for "her poor husband" only to later see me struggling to restrain myself because we were on a public beach and the kinds of things I wanted to do weren't suitable for the time/place! 

- At one point I was walking a few feet behind my wife because one of our little people was lagging behind. I noticed a few times when an AA male would pass, whether he was with a woman or not, as he passed my wife he did the ole' "180 sweep" where he casually turned his head back to check out my wife's backside. This happened 3 or 4 times and one on occasion the guy made eye contact with me as he turned back around and realized he'd been busted. But I wasn't a jerk, I just smiled and winked as if to say, "That's right, I sleep with that every night." NOTE: the preference black men have for thick, even fat women has been discussed at great length elsewhere in this forum. I'm not trying to open that dialogue up here, I'm just sharing what I observed yesterday.

- On our drive home my wife mentioned that she noticed a few of her fellow fat girls checking me out. We've both noticed that fat women will signal there approval to each other when "one of their own" has a man they find appealing. She pointed out that a few of them gave me a good healthy once over, noticed her, then looked at me again like they were ready to eat me alive if they had their way. She added that so many people assume just because a woman is fat she should be with a fat partner, but that fat women have preferences too and some of them prefer a fit partner. I feel so lucky to have the wife I have, but it made me feel really good when she expressed feeling lucky to have the husband she has. :smitten:

Being at a water park really brings this out because men and women are by nature of their location more revealing than in every day life. We notice reactions, positive and negative, all the time but something about our bodies being on greater display to others really emphasized this. Add in that many people consider a fit man with a fat woman to be a major mismatch and we've drawn some reactions in our time together.

I am not going to recount all of our experiences though I am prepared to share a few other examples if people are interested. It's very important to note not all the reactions are negative. In fact, some of them are nothing short of beautiful and pleasant. 

Not all reactions are tied directly to us being a mismatched couple either: some reactions (good and bad alike) are toward my wife exclusively as evidenced by some of the things she has observed or experienced when she is not with me. But they do seem to increase when we're with each other and yesterday at the park really brought it out.

I'm curious to hear what your experiences are. What kinds of reactions do people have toward you when you're with your partner or if you're a plus size man or woman, you directly. It can be positive or negative, and hopefully there's a lot of the former! But there will probably be some of the latter and in those cases I'd be curious to know how you responded too.

I welcome your experiences and/or general thoughts.


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 4, 2017)

happily_married said:


> Not all reactions are tied directly to us being a mismatched couple either: some reactions (good and bad alike) are toward my wife exclusively as evidenced by some of the things she has observed or experienced when she is not with me.



I would just like to point out that it sounds as though you aren't mismatched. Rather, you are perfectly matched. (I know what you are saying though)


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 4, 2017)

Though I haven’t had the experiences that you’ve had, I have had similar for different reasons. Some years ago, I dated an extremely gorgeous woman (think Charlize Theron only taller). Back then I was still on the fitter side of life, maybe 210lbs. But of course, I’m 5’7” and black while she was 6’0” and a blonde goddess. Everywhere we went we’d always get stares. At first, I would shoot the stink-eye at people. Not because I was jealous but because I couldn’t believe that people still had a problem with an interracial couple.
Dee noticed that I was having a bit of a problem with it so she sat me down and let me in on a little secret: she secretly enjoyed the looks and the whispers and the outright stares. She said, very often, women will come up to her and ask her what she saw in me. Since I am not a handsome man, nor tall, nor particularly wealthy, I wanted to know the answer as well. She told me that ever since we were introduced, she felt a confidence coming from me and that she always loved how I engaged her in intelligent conversation and always stared into those beautiful green eyes of hers like she was the only woman on this Earth.
After that, I never had another pissy encounter when we were out. I used to take her grocery shopping and would always ask her to grab something of a high shelf. This made her giggle and I had a blast watching how people (especially guys) would react to this scene. Out at bars or clubs, guys seemed to think that they were going to replace me or that, surely they were a better guy to date than me. She rebuffed every single guy who approached her, no matter if they were rich, tall, handsome, or whatever. 
I learned to ignore most of what went on after that. I realized that you have to have something special going on for people to take notice of you. So, consider yourself special if people are staring.


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## rabbitislove (Jul 4, 2017)

Ive wondered if people do this more with fat women/fit men. I think male FAs face more anger and judgement than females (but thats my own personal experience and I cant speak for everyone). I dont seem to get as much. If anything, it was more curiosity when I lived in Colorado. Almost everyone there is average height and build, so I think they were just confused when they saw me (a tiny fit woman) with my boyfriend (whose 6'7 and about 450)  Up here, people dont seem to stare at all (albeit, an energetic pixie of a salesgirl at the bookstore who told us our height difference was hilarious). 

Back to your OP, good on you. It sounds like you and your wife had fun, got some looks of approval and ignored the hateful ones


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## landshark (Jul 6, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I would just like to point out that it sounds as though you aren't mismatched. Rather, you are perfectly matched. (I know what you are saying though)



Yeah, I use the word from the standpoint of cultural perception.



rabbitislove said:


> *Ive wondered if people do this more with fat women/fit men. I think male FAs face more anger and judgement than females (but thats my own personal experience and I cant speak for everyone).* I dont seem to get as much. If anything, it was more curiosity when I lived in Colorado. Almost everyone there is average height and build, so I think they were just confused when they saw me (a tiny fit woman) with my boyfriend (whose 6'7 and about 450)  Up here, people dont seem to stare at all (albeit, an energetic pixie of a salesgirl at the bookstore who told us our height difference was hilarious).
> 
> Back to your OP, good on you. It sounds like you and your wife had fun, got some looks of approval and ignored the hateful ones



I've suspected this as well for a few reasons. My perceptions are not from experience so much as observation, so take that for whatever it's worth. I think fat women are judged far worse than fat men, and as a consequence there's a segment of society that reserves a special contempt for men who date or marry fat women. It's weird: even men resent other men who date date/marry fat women. You'd think they'd be glad because guys like me have removed ourselves from the pool of competition for the "hot" women by voluntarily pursuing fat women. Instead you get a lot of them who resent guys like me because by dating/marrying a fat woman we "send a message" to women that it's okay to be fat and that in turn makes it harder for them to find the woman they're looking for. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up. I've actually encountered that narrative and not just from one bitter loser or two, but rather consistently over the years.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 6, 2017)

I like this thread. Just want to point out what I perceive as a bit of irony: Fat men don't hit on me - only thin to average guys (perhaps a little chubby) do. If society believes that I need to be with a bigger man, apparently the big boys don't agree.
It's kind of funny to me...what "society" assumes...


**side note: I have always took this to mean that bigger guys like smaller women...just as a lot of BBW prefer thin mates. Could some of the disparity be about confidence levels? I dated a chubby guy a few times...but he seemed discontent that I didn't "jump him". I expected that vice-versa...the way it's always been for me.


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## fuelingfire (Jul 6, 2017)

I have probably covered this in other posts, or in private message with HM. I am a very athletic weightlifter and my girlfriend is 350ish lbs. pear. I have grown to enjoy it when it dawns on people that we are a couple. If anyone seems to be staring at us we kiss, hug, and smile at each other, just to push the idea. She is aware of this and loves it too. I don’t want anyone walking away thinking I am settling. We do a lot of hand holding in public, more signaling of being a couple. It’s kind of hard to put my finger on why I like it so much.

Also most likely adding to that, she dresses up when we go out. Stylish Torrid outfits, or leggings are usual. Clothing that if you thought you were ugly, you would not want to wear in public. This draws more attention to her/us.

I can’t comment on if being at a water park makes a difference. None of the girls I have dated wanted to go to one. Though my current girlfriend says she wants to go to one. We talked about going to Living Large Chicago’s BBW pool bash, but had a prior commitment for that weekend. After hearing you waterpark observations, it makes me want to go even more.

A lot of thin women will flirt with me unprompted. I am invisible to most fat girls, until I am seen with the fat girl I am dating. Then I get the full head to toe check out, and sometimes she will even get a nod or complement from the random fat woman. Sometimes I notice it, other times she tells me.

My girlfriend reads Lindy West, who writes on size acceptance topics. One of the things talked about is the fat woman thin man combo at restaurants. I doubt this is study based, but this couple is likely to be asked if the table would like separate checks. As in, not a couple on a date. Since my girlfriend said this, every time we are at a restaurant, the servers have asked about separate checks. I personally think it has more to do with efficiency. Extra stop at the table and extra paper to print out another receipt. But I could be wrong…

She has helped me identify more than a handful of suspected FAs. We went bowling a few days ago. I notice a guy a few lanes over who has a fat girlfriend with him. He seems to be looking at my lane a lot when it’s my girlfriends turn to bowl.

When people realize we are couple, the first thing asked right away, “where did you meet?” I would think this is a common question, but it is always the first comment. We agreed to lie and say at Match, rather than Feabie.


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 7, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> **side note: I have always took this to mean that bigger guys like smaller women...just as a lot of BBW prefer thin mates. Could some of the disparity be about confidence levels? I dated a chubby guy a few times...but he seemed discontent that I didn't "jump him". I expected that vice-versa...the way it's always been for me.



I've always taken that as many times people are attracted to opposites. But I also acknowledge that you probably have a point as well. But have you ever run into someone on the opposite end of that confidence spectrum?


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## HereticFA (Jul 7, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> **side note: I have always took this to mean that bigger guys like smaller women...just as a lot of BBW prefer thin mates. Could some of the disparity be about confidence levels?


That's probably true in the majority of cases. The 'Jack Sprat and his wife' trope runs deep through our cultural memory. Plus the imagery of the 'big, strong man and his little woman'. (Stereotypes usually start with a kernel of reality.) But there are so many other reasons as well:


The guy is still seeking the fantasy mate he has as a mental image.
 He's not at the phase of his development where he appreciates your apparent Hilda-esq body type.
He's afraid he would strike out if he approached you.
He's afraid of peer pressure from family, friends or coworkers if not dating a socially ideal female body type.
He's burned out from past bad relationships.
He saw you exhibit a mannerism that he disliked.
You remind him of an ex.
He's just not into girls.
He's 'ace these days and just not looking.
There's tens of reasons why any person doesn't see another as a relationship candidate.


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## fuelingfire (Jul 7, 2017)

rabbitislove said:


> Ive wondered if people do this more with fat women/fit men. I think male FAs face more anger and judgement than females (but thats my own personal experience and I cant speak for everyone). I dont seem to get as much. If anything, it was more curiosity when I lived in Colorado. Almost everyone there is average height and build, so I think they were just confused when they saw me (a tiny fit woman) with my boyfriend (whose 6'7 and about 450)  Up here, people dont seem to stare at all (albeit, an energetic pixie of a salesgirl at the bookstore who told us our height difference was hilarious).
> 
> Back to your OP, good on you. It sounds like you and your wife had fun, got some looks of approval and ignored the hateful ones



This is one of my many theories about size discrimination. I do think there is a segment of the population that believes women are property, or an object close to that. Making negative comments on how a person looks is mean, but making observations about an object is not mean. So a woman who is fat is a flawed object. So a fat guy is given a pass in a sense. He is probably fat due to the stress of: work, family, getting a footing in life etc. A big guy can have a lot of muscle under his fat, so can be seen as strong. She was just fat due to being lazy or not caring. Most fat hate that I have witnessed online is toward women.

I know there are a lot of other pieces to it, but I think this is a component that is relevant to this topic. I am hoping this thread keeps going, as I do find the main topic very fascinating.


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## landshark (Jul 7, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I like this thread. Just want to point out what I perceive as a bit of irony: Fat men don't hit on me - only thin to average guys (perhaps a little chubby) do. If society believes that I need to be with a bigger man, apparently the big boys don't agree.
> It's kind of funny to me...what "society" assumes...



Yup, the "big boys" have their individual preferences just like everyone else. There's no rule an individual subscribes to when being attracted to a woman. Fortunately, there's plenty guys big and small who like bigger women.



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> **side note: I have always took this to mean that bigger guys like smaller women...*just as a lot of BBW prefer thin mates.* Could some of the disparity be about confidence levels? I dated a chubby guy a few times...but he seemed discontent that I didn't "jump him". I expected that vice-versa...the way it's always been for me.



Again, preference is as varied as are individuals but I've found a lot of the bigger girls I dated liked fit guys because it was a better "fit." By that I mean a physical fit: intimate moments were much more doable when one of the partners was fit. My wife has pointed out a few times she's glad I'm in the kind of shape I'm in, both for endurance reasons and positional reasons. I realize we have some members here in relationships where both partners are big and I welcome their observations as much as anyone's. For our purposes, my wife is glad I'm not big.

As for confidence levels, that may well be a big part of the disparity but honestly as HFA pointed out there are probably countless explanations. 



fuelingfire said:


> I have probably covered this in other posts, or in private message with HM. I am a very athletic weightlifter and my girlfriend is 350ish lbs. pear. I have grown to enjoy it when it dawns on people that we are a couple. If anyone seems to be staring at us we kiss, hug, and smile at each other, just to push the idea. She is aware of this and loves it too. *I dont want anyone walking away thinking I am settling.* We do a lot of hand holding in public, more signaling of being a couple. Its kind of hard to put my finger on why I like it so much.



Very well-worded. I make sure I do the same thing, especially if I believe judgmental eyes are being cast. Even void of that I just like showing off and I want everyone around us seeing that not only am I not embarrassed, but I'm excited to be with this person.



fuelingfire said:


> I cant comment on if being at a water park makes a difference. None of the girls I have dated wanted to go to one. Though my current girlfriend says she wants to go to one. We talked about going to Living Large Chicagos BBW pool bash, but had a prior commitment for that weekend. After hearing you waterpark observations, it makes me want to go even more.



Definitely go give it a shot and report back with your observations!



fuelingfire said:


> A lot of thin women will flirt with me unprompted. I am invisible to most fat girls, until I am seen with the fat girl I am dating. Then I get the full head to toe check out, and sometimes she will even get a nod or complement from the random fat woman. Sometimes I notice it, other times she tells me.



I've made very similar observations in my time here at Dims. Fat girls obviously do not think and respond in unison, but generally they seem to appreciate it when "one of their own" snags herself a fit guy (or guy they otherwise find appealing). 

We've had some good discussions, both on the open threads and in private, and I'd love to continue hearing your observations.


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## AmandaLynn (Jul 7, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It's kind of funny to me...what "society" assumes...



When I was thinner, I did not think much about what "society" assumed about me. Now, that I am heavier, it matters to me even less. 

I had a woman I know, that I met when I first moved to NYC tell me one night; I had such a pretty face and that there was no reason I should allow myself to get so heavy at my age. 

I was stunned silent. At first I wanted to thank her for the complement. Then I was pissed and wanted to tell her to f*ck off. Then I was mildly amused by the term "allowed." 

Allowed? As if I did not know I would put on weight eventually the way I eat? As if the lbs just snuck on while I was not paying attention? Early on maybe, but what I've put on since the fall, I didn't "allow" anything. It happened, and I enjoyed every meal, every beer, and every dessert. lol. 

I said nothing of course, the moment kind of passed me by. Just the assumption, that I was not aware or not comfortable, really struck me as presumptuous. If only she knew.


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## landshark (Jul 7, 2017)

AmandaLynn said:


> When I was thinner, I did not think much about what "society" assumed about me. Now, that I am heavier, it matters to me even less.



I applaud that you're there at such a young age. I was ~24+ or so when I fully shed the shackles of image consciousness. And if I'm honest with myself I suppose I didn't fully shed them until a couple years into my marriage, shameful as that is.



AmandaLynn said:


> If only she knew.



Even if she did, she may not have cared. Some people thrive off of belittling others who are overweight.


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## AmandaLynn (Jul 7, 2017)

happily_married said:


> I applaud that you're there at such a young age. I was ~24+ or so when I fully shed the shackles of image consciousness. And if I'm honest with myself I suppose I didn't fully shed them until a couple years into my marriage, shameful as that is.
> 
> 
> 
> Even if she did, she may not have cared. Some people thrive off of belittling others who are overweight.



I don't think it was to belittle me. I think it was more to caution me or almost to admonish me. Like I said, I know this woman. She is a bit older than me and I met her very shortly after I moved here. I would consider her a friend if even. I just thought it very presumptuous. I mean, here is this older woman, who has clearly enjoyed her share of food and drinks, and is wearing support hose in June. She's the one who is not comfortable. I'm good.


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## landshark (Jul 7, 2017)

AmandaLynn said:


> *I don't think it was to belittle me.* I think it was more to caution me or almost to admonish me. Like I said, I know this woman. She is a bit older than me and I met her very shortly after I moved here. I would consider her a friend if even. I just thought it very presumptuous. I mean, here is this older woman, who has clearly enjoyed her share of food and drinks, and is wearing support hose in June. She's the one who is not comfortable. I'm good.



Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that she did so much as point out that some people are clueless and others are just nasty.


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## AmandaLynn (Jul 7, 2017)

happily_married said:


> Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that she did so much as point out that some people are clueless and others are just nasty.



No worries, I would not let anyone be nasty to me.


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## landshark (Jul 8, 2017)

AmandaLynn said:


> No worries, I would not let anyone be nasty to me.



For me situation dictates. I've had people be nasty to me and I've not even flinched. I am all for pushing back when the situation warrants but the truth is sometimes it just doesn't. 

People being nasty to me directly is not weight related, so it's possible there's less emotion buried in the way I respond. I've less reason to take nastiness so personally. At the same time, I've seen people be nasty to my wife and again, the situation dictates how I react. Sometimes responding is just beneath me.

I said I'd share a few other experiences so this is a good time to work one in because it's a good example of non-response. My wife and I put our daughter in gymnastics. One of the coaches there is a woman, likely in her mid-late-40s, but insanely fit. She'd wear a sweater over her uniform shirt and it had the name of a crossfit box on it, and my wife and I refer to her as "crossfit bitch." Anyway, one of the first classes my daughter had, my wife was sitting on the bleacher and I was standing a few feet behind her. Crossfit bitch was walking along just in front of the bleachers staring at my wife with a nasty scowl and look of utter contempt. She went on her way, then a few minutes later walked by again and same thing: looked at my wife like her existence alone was enough to ruin her day. I joined my wife on the bleachers and the next time Crossfit bitch walked by she noticed me staring at her and she looked away very quickly. 

In the ensuing weeks I noticed a pattern with Crossfit bitch: She is very cordial to the parents who are fit, and extremely dismissive (but not outright rude so nobody will complain) to the parents who are fat. And since there's one of her and multiple parents, it probably took her a while to mentally pair me with my wife, especially since we don't always go together (other kids activities). So as a fit male, I enjoyed "polite privileges." That is, whenever Crossfit bitch would see me she'd smile and if I was close enough she'd ask how I was, etc. The fat mom or dad in the waiting area, not so much. 

But now I've fallen from grace. You see, my wife and I were able attend a practice together and when Crossfit bitch saw us together I guess she removed me from her list of those parents who were worthy of her politeness. She no longer smiles at me, but she's not quite bold enough to give me the same looks of contempt I know she gives my wife and the other fat moms who are waiting on their girls. 

And honestly I know I'm a paying customer and could probably make a complaint but the truth is I really do embrace stuff like this. It amuses me and my wife and I laugh about it. Now if she ever treats my daughter differently (and she's not my daughter's coach so I'm not worried about this) because she has a fat mom then the gloves are coming off.

Also, this example is a couple years old. Rather than retell it, here's the link:

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=114738


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jul 8, 2017)

happily_married said:


> And honestly I know I'm a paying customer and could probably make a complaint but the truth is I really do embrace stuff like this.



I'm sorry we don't live in the same town; it would be great to have a friend like you. :bow:


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## fuelingfire (Jul 8, 2017)

Your cult of Crossfit coach is a good example. The most anti-fat things that I have heard, in person, are from insanely fit people in the weight room. They are never in reference to a person who is in the room. I think they are so vocal, as a way of justifying how much they work out. In my experience, more often it’s a woman with a six pack who is a gym rat, who makes these comments.

I would have reacted the same way, but I would have no interest in interacting with her in the future. I think there is athletic privilege, at least when it comes to gyms. Not that the average person is treated poorly, but the athletic looking people get a friendlier response. Even on first meeting. I personally find it kind of amusing. It’s not uncommon to get female attention there, but of course I have no interest. So I just try to be nice and chat back. These people seem to ignore all the non-athletic looking people exercising.

I think if you tried to complain, it would be a hard sell. She could just say she didn't see you, or she was busy and brush it off.


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## TwoSwords (Jul 8, 2017)

happily_married said:


> And honestly I know I'm a paying customer and could probably make a complaint but the truth is I really do embrace stuff like this. It amuses me and my wife and I laugh about it. Now if she ever treats my daughter differently (and she's not my daughter's coach so I'm not worried about this) because she has a fat mom then the gloves are coming off.



I like to deal with those sorts of situations by smiling a lot and being much more friendly and personable than I otherwise would be. I want them to know it's entirely their problem.


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## landshark (Jul 9, 2017)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I'm sorry we don't live in the same town; it would be great to have a friend like you. :bow:



Well if you're ever passing through and want to stop give me a buzz and we'll go discuss these important matters over a couple bourbons! 



fuelingfire said:


> Your cult of Crossfit coach is a good example. The most anti-fat things that I have heard, in person, are from insanely fit people in the weight room. They are never in reference to a person who is in the room. I think they are so vocal, as a way of justifying how much they work out. In my experience, *more often it’s a woman with a six pack who is a gym rat,* who makes these comments.



I've felt this way too for a long time: women who are a really fit are far more ruthless to fat people than men who are really fit. But with that said I've met and know some really fit women who are not nasty at all.

Then there's a coworker I have who went out and dialed up some fit guy/fat girl porn after I shared with her that I liked bigger girls. I shared this elsewhere here on Dims, but I can't remember where. Anyway she watched a few videos and when she saw me again said, "I get it. I totally get why a fit man would want to be with a fat woman." This person is super fit herself and her instagram is full of selfies in her panties and bra showing off her body. But her reaction I'd consider very positive.

Another reaction, not sure if I can count this as positive but it certainly wasn't a negative reaction, happened at an Ikea store a few months ago. We were in the kitchenware section on that seemingly never ending path through that store. My wife was on one side of the main isle, I was on the other but right next to the main isle when a SS couple, both very fit, stopped. One actually noticed my wife and stopped her partner with a pull of her arm. She said, "Oh, I've got one for our fat soccer mom fantasy." Right about then, my wife, turned so her back was to them and she bent over to put something back on the bottom shelf. The pair both gasped and one of them hissed, "Look at the size of that ass!" The other said, "We'd use the big one." Then they went on their way. 

Now it's worth noting: My wife isn't a soccer mom! But I have to admit, I was very curious what the "fat soccer mom" fantasy consisted of. And "the big one?" Anyway, I don't think it's all that uncommon for a fit lesbian to prefer a fat partner. In this case they were both fit but had a fat girl fantasy. Since I don't know the details of the fantasy I can't exactly say it was a positive reaction. Assuming they just wanted a threesome with a fat woman I'd say it was fine. If it involved humiliation or fat shaming then obviously that is a no fly zone. Thing is I don't know. 

When I mentioned to my wife she got scoped out by a couple girls (I left out what they said) she just laughed and said, "I think I notice more girls checking me out than guys." 




TwoSwords said:


> I like to deal with those sorts of situations by smiling a lot and being much more friendly and personable than I otherwise would be. I want them to know it's entirely their problem.



You've hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I've committed myself to doing when I get a chance. The trick is getting everything to align. We have a kids activities pretty much every night so we're rarely both at gymnastics together. Both of us being there is the first thing that needs to fall into place. From there we need Crossfit bitch to be working, and to walk past us and make eye contact with me or my wife. She's at work so I'm not going to be the rude one and stop her when she's walking by or be a distraction and so on. But if those planets align for me I'll be sure to do this. Maybe even give her a compliment. "Those box squats are really starting to pay off!" Something like that!


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## fuelingfire (Jul 9, 2017)

About 10 years ago, my ex-wife was attending college 2 hours away from me. There was a group of coworkers who went out to the bars every Wednesday. One of them was, I thought, a very close friend at work. We were often mildly flirty, in more of a friendly way. She was bone thin. One of the coworkers who went with us was a SSBBW, she would also bring her boyfriend with. The thin friend quick working there but still kept going out with us. The last night I saw the thin woman, the SSBBW saw a picture of my ex-wife and in private asked me, “So you like fat girls?” We had a discussion about it still in private. Later in the evening, the SSBBW announced to the group of us, how awesome it is that I like fat girls… not her wording but wow she was excited to tell everyone. Everyone else in the group was thin. I don’t really remember what I said. My thin female friend looked horrified when I confirmed it, was distant the rest of the evening. And I have never seen her since. People would call her to come with us, but she never wanted to after that night. I thought of her as a good friend, but maybe I miss read her.

Fast-forward to being divorced and single. I am out with the same SSBBW and her now husband, same guy. We are out at the bar. She runs into a friend of hers, who is thin. This thin friend starts mildly flirting with me. After a few minutes, the SSBBW taps her on the shoulder and says, “don’t bother, he is only into fat women!” The thin woman gives the SSBBW an amused look, then turns to me with the amused look. Then doubles down on the flirting. Like she could change my mind or something. I have grown to find it funny when she outs me to people, though I was kind of horrified the first time she did it.

Amusing side note about her husband. When I first met him, I didn’t know they were together, and neither of us knew the other was a FA. He pointed at the thinnest woman in a room that we were in and said he really wanted to hit that. This girl looked like she had no body fat. My response was, “I prefer women with a much larger butt!” He paused for a few seconds and then shrugged. A few weeks later I found out they were dating and told her the story and she went and chewed him out for it.

I have never really heard what people say about me always dating fat girls. There are many times where we get looks. Sometimes staring from people talking, though it always stops when they are caught.

Many times I have heard people say that I don’t care about how my partner looks. A very passive aggressive complement. I have had different phases of how I responded over the years. I originally would follow that up by saying, “no I think (insert woman) really is beautiful!” Which went completely ignored. I went through a period where I would just roll my eyes and ignore it. Now if brought up I just lean right into it. “Are you blind? (girlfriends name) is *not sure on Dims swearing policy* hot!” Said very enthusiastically. I use to just think that, I have said that at least 4 times now.

My girlfriend says that she only notices women checking out her butt. I have noticed more than a few men checking her out. A lot of women have told her they wish they had a butt like hers. Which really surprises both of us, as she is a ssbbw pear.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 9, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I've always taken that as many times people are attracted to opposites. But I also acknowledge that you probably have a point as well. But have you ever run into someone on the opposite end of that confidence spectrum?



Not sure what you're asking? Someone overly confident?



AmandaLynn said:


> When I was thinner, I did not think much about what "society" assumed about me. Now, that I am heavier, it matters to me even less.
> 
> I had a woman I know, that I met when I first moved to NYC tell me one night; I had such a pretty face and that there was no reason I should allow myself to get so heavy at my age.
> 
> ...



I've had plenty of presumptuous and out-right rude shit said to me over my lifetime. In my head, I'm taking it that the lady that said that you is of my Mom's generation (she's in her late seventies). My experience with that generation has been that they were brought up with some steadfast, inarguable "rules" about the way women should "behave". (Have you ever read The Feminine Mystique?- fascinating read about "brainwashing" IMO)
You should have waited until you were "safely"married and over thirty to "allow" yourself such indulgences. How in the world will you ever find a man now????


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 9, 2017)

HereticFA said:


> That's probably true in the majority of cases. The 'Jack Sprat and his wife' trope runs deep through our cultural memory. Plus the imagery of the 'big, strong man and his little woman'. (Stereotypes usually start with a kernel of reality.) But there are so many other reasons as well:
> 
> 
> The guy is still seeking the fantasy mate he has as a mental image.
> ...



Thanks so much for listing this out for me- none of this has ever occurred to me until you wrote it to me on the intranets


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## TwoSwords (Jul 9, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> After a few minutes, the SSBBW taps her on the shoulder and says, dont bother, he is only into fat women! The thin woman gives the SSBBW an amused look, then turns to me with the amused look. Then doubles down on the flirting. Like she could change my mind or something. I have grown to find it funny when she outs me to people, though I was kind of horrified the first time she did it.



Sounds like a time-saver to me.



fuelingfire said:


> My girlfriend says that she only notices women checking out her butt. I have noticed more than a few men checking her out. A lot of women have told her they wish they had a butt like hers. Which really surprises both of us, as she is a ssbbw pear.



This is so heartening to hear.


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## loopytheone (Jul 10, 2017)

I've never exactly been in a 'mismatched' couple but I do have a few observations I can share.

Firstly, a lot of super fit/muscular guys on places like feabie tried to hit on me. Much to my bemusement as I put that I was only interested in BHM, am an FFA, and prefer people that are about twice my size. 

Secondly, when I was dating my ex - a short guy around 440 lbs - I was about 160 lbs, so not tiny by any means but relatively average, though thick and curvy. And before they met me in person, a lot of people assumed I would be about his size, for some reason. And we did get a couple of people shouting stuff at us out of car windows too, though I get that when I'm on my own too so who knows.


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## AmandaLynn (Jul 10, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Not sure what you're asking? Someone overly confident?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The woman in question is a neighbor and she is in her late 40's, I would think. Could be older, but not much. But, I absolutely think she was of that exact mindset. What struck me as very odd was that this woman is certainly no stranger to indulging herself. Maybe not to the same degree as me, but clearly she has not said no to dessert in quite some time. From the way she dresses you can tell she is attempting to hide every bit of it which I never really understood. 

I have been meaning to check out that title for quite sometime. I don't read much unless I am commuting and I have totally fallen into phone apps as a means to pass the time when I am on the subway for an extended period of time.


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## agouderia (Jul 11, 2017)

AmandaLynn said:


> I have been meaning to check out that title for quite sometime. I don't read much unless I am commuting and I have totally fallen into phone apps as a means to pass the time when I am on the subway for an extended period of time.



Definitely do that. It is one of the most important books to understand many elements of women's perception in Western society - and some male comments around here - until today.

It's available as PDF by now (as standard educational reading) - so you can download it on your phone and read during your commute. Here's the link:

https://nationalhumanitiescenter.org/ows/seminars/tcentury/FeminineMystique.pdf

Happy reading!


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## AmandaLynn (Jul 11, 2017)

agouderia said:


> Definitely do that. It is one of the most important books to understand many elements of women's perception in Western society - and some male comments around here - until today.
> 
> It's available as PDF by now (as standard educational reading) - so you can download it on your phone and read during your commute. Here's the link:
> 
> ...



Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you you for looking out.


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## landshark (Jul 11, 2017)

loopytheone said:


> And we did get a couple of people shouting stuff at us out of car windows too, though I get that when I'm on my own too so who knows.



Ah, yes, the drive by insult! A classic! (For assholes, that is.)

I've actually not experienced this with my wife, so that's good. I did experience it with a girlfriend I had years ago before I was married. And the girl about whom I based my (still unfinished) story _Taking the Plunge_ drew some nasty drive by comments while I was with her. That was when I was still "coming out" and it actually embarrassed me. Obviously I've come a long way since then.


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## landshark (Jul 21, 2017)

Just got back from the beach. I was hoping I'd have some additional observations to share with you but I honestly was so busy snoozing in the sand, playing in the surf with the kids or out paddle boarding that I didn't pick up on anything worth sharing on this thread.

But my wife did.

I had been out on my board and as I was coming in my wife met me in the surf. No sooner did I hop off the board that she wrapped her arms around me and started making out with me. Surf was rolling in and the board got away from me. I dropped the paddle too. 

She pulled away and laughed and told me to get the board and the paddle and I brought it up to the sand just outside our canopy. When we sat down I cracked open a beer and said, "Wow, what was that all about?" I made a joke about getting all spun up seeing me topless riding a board in on the waves with the sunlight gleaming on my chest...

She gave me the back story at that point. It turned out there was a pair of girls loitering near our canopy and they were watching me come in. They were (reportedly) scoping me out and talking about how they'd ask if I'd teach them how to use a paddle board. My wife overheard this and told me, "I had to go mark my territory!"

I love that! That's super hot! :smitten: I didn't notice the girls but our friend said they both had "WTF?" looks on their faces as my wife cut them off and then they continued down the beach.


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## tonynyc (Jul 22, 2017)

Interesting thread and topic - I will add some points. I will try to keep them brief .....

1. So many dynamics come to play especially when you look at the differences within the demographics of the couples and the life experiences that we each have. Where people live etc. etc.

2. I think women suffer through more "crap" from strangers if they are outside the physical norm in terms height, weight more so than men. I think we had an older thread in the Main Forum on the differences between BHM and BBW and SSBBW. I will also make no generalizations here as there are some BBW and SSBBW that will not tolerate any bullshit or disrespect and happy to deal with the offender...

I can recall being in midtown around (49th and 8th where the Old Mid City Bodybuilding gym use to be).

An extremely muscular woman was walking with her very fit boyfriend and the woman would get disapproving looks and the rare outburst from a homeless man. I give them credit- they ignored the assholes and was happy to be in each other's company...

2. As for me- I have a weightlifter type of build (5'10" 240lbs) and my wife is 5'9" and Supersized. We have never had anyone say anything to us; even when we have walked outside the tri-state (NY/NJ/CT area).

At the end of the day, you just have to be happy with who are you with and as others have said...it really becomes less about what "strangers" think...


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 22, 2017)

happily_married said:


> Just got back from the beach. I was hoping I'd have some additional observations to share with you but I honestly was so busy snoozing in the sand, playing in the surf with the kids or out paddle boarding that I didn't pick up on anything worth sharing on this thread.
> 
> But my wife did.
> 
> ...



Holy crap! Wish I could have been there or someone had taken a video of that! I'm reading your post and laughing so hard I nearly passed out! Your wife must have had a "cat that ate the canary" grin on her face the whole day (and possibly the whole night as well). Awesome story!:bow:


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## Blockierer (Jul 23, 2017)

tonynyc said:


> ..
> 
> 2. As for me- I have a weightlifter type of build (5'10" 240lbs) and my wife is 5'9" and Supersized. We have never had anyone say anything to us;.....
> 
> At the end of the day, you just have to be happy with who are you with and as others have said...it really becomes less about what "strangers" think...


I support this.
I'm 5'9", 210 lbs, muscular and my wife is 5'3", 390 pounds. I totally love her size, she is perfect for me. We have never got any negative comments. I think people realize that I love to have such a fat wife.


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## landshark (Jul 24, 2017)

tonynyc said:


> I can recall being in midtown around (49th and 8th where the Old Mid City Bodybuilding gym use to be).
> 
> An extremely muscular woman was walking with her very fit boyfriend and the woman would get disapproving looks and the rare outburst from a homeless man. I give them credit- they ignored the assholes and was happy to be in each other's company...



Incredibly enough, fit shaming, directed at women far more so than men, is a thing now too. Fortunately most women who find themselves on the receiving end of this come complete with an "IDGAF what you think" attitude. Some fat women have this attitude as well but it's less common than in fit women.


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## FatBarbieDoll (Jul 26, 2017)

When what people have been taught about how the world is "supposed" to work falls apart right in front of them, their narrow sheeple minds can barely handle it.

There's a very large woman named Dankii Doll who supposedly has a fit, attractive boyfriend. She once posted a video on YT about her liking fit men or her preference for them and got raked through the coals. She never said she was entitled to a fit man, only that she preferred them. I don't see anything wrong with merely expressing a preference.


Anyway, there's this cute, young Hispanic gentleman who works at a Mexican eatery I frequent often. Upon seeing me (I haven't seen him do this with other women), he will usually smile, baring his teeth and wave. He has asked me how I am doing once before but that is all that has happened thus far; we often make eye contact more than once.

I'm wondering if he's just being nice or doesn't speak English well. I think I found him on FB and the entire profile is Spanish only. The thing is...I look like a complete bum when I go out so, even IF he is an FA, I find it hard to believe he's hitting on me.

Also, I got a quick up-and-down look the other day. I cannot tell if that was out of disgust or lust (he didn't do it again and was with a much thinner woman).


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## landshark (Jul 29, 2017)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> Also, I got a quick up-and-down look the other day. I cannot tell if that was out of disgust or lust (he didn't do it again and was with a much thinner woman).



At least you didn't SEE him do it again!  I used to do that stuff all the time when I was dating thinner women. 

I am cautious to allow this thread to turn into a catalogue of every perceived weigh related slight. This is why I have been adamant about sharing positive reactions as well. I read here on Dims somewhere (looked around for it and couldn't find it) someone's experience was that when dining out with a plus size partner the waitress will always ask if the tickets are separate. This was not an experience I could relate to until this past week. 

I've taken some time off work while my mom has visited us, and yesterday and the day before my wife and I have peeled off for lunch alone. It's not often we have lunch together on a workday. On both days the waitresses (two different places) asked if it would be separate tickets. On the first day we just shrugged it off and said, "That was a silly question." My wife teased that I must not be good looking enough to really be with her. When it happened yesterday at a different restaurant I was ready to believe there was something to it. Then my wife suggested that during lunch hour it may be a standard question they ask in case coworkers are just eating lunch together. That makes sense. I know I personally run the risk of confirmation bias: that is I tend to believe people notice "fat girl/fit guy" couples and am more inclined to believe there's been a slight when perhaps there really hasn't been. This is something I'll guard against.

Meanwhile, before we went to lunch yesterday we ducked into a Lane Bryant because my wife wanted to get some new jeans. My wife wanted to change into them and wear them out of the store and asked me to go pay for them. The woman who'd been helping her rang up the purchase. Not surprisingly she was a plus size herself. She gave me a nice compliment, that it's rare to see husbands in there shopping with their wives and when they do they often seem irritated to be there and sometimes even embarrassed that they are with a woman who shops there. She said it was refreshing to see a husband who is obviously very enthusiastic about his wife and she and her coworkers both loved the way I not only followed my wife around and actually interacted with her, but also wandered around and tried to find things she'd be interested in. One of her coworkers was listening and admitted to being a bit jealous. 

It feels great to be noticed and draw those kinds of compliments, but I think it's a shame that a man just being a decent and supportive husband is so noteworthy.


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## fuelingfire (Jul 29, 2017)

happily_married said:


> At least you didn't SEE him do it again!  I used to do that stuff all the time when I was dating thinner women.
> 
> I am cautious to allow this thread to turn into a catalogue of every perceived weigh related slight. This is why I have been adamant about sharing positive reactions as well. I read here on Dims somewhere (looked around for it and couldn't find it) someone's experience was that when dining out with a plus size partner the waitress will always ask if the tickets are separate. This was not an experience I could relate to until this past week.
> 
> ...


I wrote about the separate checks, it might even have been in this thread. I am unsure if it's just for efficiency sake or disbelief. 

I get similar reactions in both Torrid and Lane Bryant.


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## Tad (Jul 30, 2017)

> It feels great to be noticed and draw those kinds of compliments, but I think it's a shame that a man just being a decent and supportive husband is so noteworthy.



Yah, I'm a shopper and my wife isn't, so I'm often in stores to buy her things or scout out things that I'll take her back to try on. At first I kind of enjoyed the ego boost of sales staff telling me how wonderful I was, but after a while I just began to find it awkward and embarrassing. It is like, for all they know I could be a complete controlling and abusive ass, controlling what she wears or something. 

(Being shortish, balding, and fattish, I don't get the 'it is amazing that you are with her' part of the reaction that some of you others do)


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## fuelingfire (Jul 31, 2017)

Tad said:


> Yah, I'm a shopper and my wife isn't, so I'm often in stores to buy her things or scout out things that I'll take her back to try on. At first I kind of enjoyed the ego boost of sales staff telling me how wonderful I was, but after a while I just began to find it awkward and embarrassing. It is like, for all they know I could be a complete controlling and abusive ass, controlling what she wears or something.
> 
> (Being shortish, balding, and fattish, I don't get the 'it is amazing that you are with her' part of the reaction that some of you others do)



It would be hard to work in the service industry and wonder if, "could be a complete controlling and abusive ass, controlling what she wears or something." Much easier on the mind to be optimistic. Otherwise, you would see most of the comments being passive-aggressive, when realistically they are meant as a complement.

HM and I have very similar experiences that we have shared in the forums and private message. Most of what we have said in pm probably already resaid within Dims.

My girlfriend and I went to Minneapolis this last weekend to see Guns N Roses last night but also to just visit the city. I shared the donut store story in the FA forum. 

We stopped at Dangerous Man Brewing Co. Very packed with people. My girlfriend and I were able to get a spot in a side room with couches facing in a square. We were having a few beers. There was a larger group of friends taking up the other 3 couches. There was a girl about 25ish, Who was on the very small side of BBW. There are lots of unique decorations all over the room. So I am look at a lot of them while talking to my girlfriend. At least 7 times the thin BBW who seemed to be there with her boyfriend made eye contact with me but it looked angry or disapproving. The more she did it the more lovey dovey I got with my girlfriend. I was getting the impression that she thought it was wrong I was with my girlfriend. Which if that is what she was thinking, it's sad what she must think of herself, or was in denial or something. Her shirt was very tight.

At the concert there was a BBW infront of us. I noticed her but didn't notice her looking at either of us. My girlfriend said she was looking at both of us a lot. Later she asked me to take pictures of her and her friend with her phone and asked me a lot of questions about Guns N Roses. Most of the topics I have discussed on Dims I have discussed with my girlfriend, including only being noticed by fat women when I am with a fat woman. Her analogy was, "You know how when you meet other peoples dogs, and their dogs really like you because they can smell your dogs on you so they know you are a good person and end up being really friendly. Yeah it's like that but for you it's fat women."


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## landshark (Jul 31, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> I wrote about the separate checks, it might even have been in this thread. I am unsure if it's just for efficiency sake or disbelief.
> 
> I get similar reactions in both Torrid and Lane Bryant.



I didn't even think to look in this thread. :doh:

I started doing Judo a few months ago. A few weeks ago a kid, maybe ~15 or so years old, started training with us. I noticed his mom because she is a fairly attractive SSBBW (probably around 375-400 pounds) but I didn't think she had paid me any attention. That didn't surprise me because she's AA and in the past I've found AA women don't seem to be attracted to me with few exceptions. However, this woman seemed to instantly warm up to me when she saw me with my wife. Now she eye-s me every time she sees me. At the end of class I typically take off my gi and change into a t-shirt. I've noticed she always watches me as I leave the mat and take off my gi. She brought Subway in the other night for dinner and she stares at me with the same lustful look on her face she had before she devoured her sandwich! 

I think there is something to what FF's GF told him.


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## op user (Aug 2, 2017)

What is an AA?


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## landshark (Aug 2, 2017)

op user said:


> What is an AA?



African American.


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## fuelingfire (Aug 2, 2017)

happily_married said:


> I didn't even think to look in this thread. :doh:
> 
> I started doing Judo a few months ago. A few weeks ago a kid, maybe ~15 or so years old, started training with us. I noticed his mom because she is a fairly attractive SSBBW (probably around 375-400 pounds) but I didn't think she had paid me any attention. That didn't surprise me because she's AA and in the past I've found AA women don't seem to be attracted to me with few exceptions. However, this woman seemed to instantly warm up to me when she saw me with my wife. Now she eye-s me every time she sees me. At the end of class I typically take off my gi and change into a t-shirt. I've noticed she always watches me as I leave the mat and take off my gi. She brought Subway in the other night for dinner and she stares at me with the same lustful look on her face she had before she devoured her sandwich!
> 
> I think there is something to what FF's GF told him.



I am risking sounding like a broken record, and explaining in open forum. My girlfriend lives 2 hours away and lives in downtown Madison, so doesnt have a car. So we only see each other every other weekend which is around my schedule. Even though we have been dating for almost a year, going out and doing things is still novel. So we notice a lot.

When I am not with a fat woman. I almost never see fat women checking me out, or go out of their way to talk to me. I dont know how often thin women do, I dont really care, but its not uncommon.

When I am out with a fat woman, especially my current girlfriend, I would say get noticed by high number of fat women. There are some days where it seems as high as 50%. Thats when I notice, a lot of times I dont but when my back is to them my girlfriend tells me they are looking me up and down. I dont think there has been a single weekend I have visited in the last year where we didnt get at least one fat woman smile at us and nod. We are frequently approached by fat women who start small talk with us, which is also uncommon for my girlfriend.

This is a real effect.


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## landshark (Aug 3, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> I am risking sounding like a broken record, and explaining in open forum. My girlfriend lives 2 hours away and lives in downtown Madison, so doesn’t have a car. So we only see each other every other weekend which is around my schedule. Even though we have been dating for almost a year, going out and doing things is still novel. So we notice a lot.
> 
> When I am not with a fat woman. I almost never see fat women checking me out, or go out of their way to talk to me. I don’t know how often thin women do, I don’t really care, but it’s not uncommon.
> 
> ...



Yes it is, and like you, I risk sounding like a broken record (not to mention we can be perceived as arrogant if we're talking about women scoping us out) but you are dead right when you say the effect is real. 

A humorous story: a woman started doing Judo at my club. She's 40, probably about 5'3 and ~225 pounds: big butt, soft belly, etc. She's also a bit socially awkward but in a very outgoing and friendly way. Anyway she got paired up with me for a mount technique and as she settled in on top of me she was a bit apologetic, saying, "Sorry I know you'd rather not be mounted by a fatty like me." I just laughed and told her I was used to it and she was small compared to my wife. I made it clear that wasn't a complaint. Last night she was back with her daughter and my wife and I were both there with our kids too. My wife, ~390 pounds of her, was wearing this skin tight leggings that would've made any regular here on Dims just say:smitten::bow: The new woman, in her awkward friendliness, at one point told me, "I see what you mean. I'd want to be mounted by her too if I were a guy!"

Oh, and most awkward moment of the night while we were training the other night: she farted on me!  As if that wasn't bad enough she laughed and said "can't promise I'm not going to do that again!":doh:


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## fuelingfire (Aug 3, 2017)

happily_married said:


> A humorous story: a woman started doing Judo at my club. She's 40, probably about 5'3 and ~225 pounds: big butt, soft belly, etc. She's also a bit socially awkward but in a very outgoing and friendly way. Anyway she got paired up with me for a mount technique and as she settled in on top of me she was a bit apologetic, saying, "Sorry I know you'd rather not be mounted by a fatty like me." I just laughed and told her I was used to it and she was small compared to my wife. I made it clear that wasn't a complaint. Last night she was back with her daughter and my wife and I were both there with our kids too. My wife, ~390 pounds of her, was wearing this skin tight leggings that would've made any regular here on Dims just say:smitten::bow: The new woman, in her awkward friendliness, at one point told me, "I see what you mean. I'd want to be mounted by her too if I were a guy!"
> 
> Oh, and most awkward moment of the night while we were training the other night: she farted on me!  As if that wasn't bad enough she laughed and said "can't promise I'm not going to do that again!":doh:



The above story should be considered for the "FA Moments of Greatness" You should have high 5'd her after the comment about your wife!


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 3, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> You should have high 5'd her after the comment about your wife!



Or invited her over for dinner!


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 3, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> I am risking sounding like a broken record, and explaining in open forum. My girlfriend lives 2 hours away and lives in downtown Madison, so doesnt have a car. So we only see each other every other weekend which is around my schedule. Even though we have been dating for almost a year, going out and doing things is still novel. So we notice a lot.
> 
> When I am not with a fat woman. I almost never see fat women checking me out, or go out of their way to talk to me. I dont know how often thin women do, I dont really care, but its not uncommon.
> 
> ...



I've found over the course of my life, that women will check out a guy who is with another woman, no matter his or her size. Presumably, I guess it has something to do with the fact that another woman finds you attractive and therefore they need to look to see why.

When I was still active duty, I was dating a gal who was "okay" by all accounts. She was a nice person overall and I got along with her small children. Some of my single female friends would see us out but never commented on us as a couple (or more specifically her). I thought nothing of it at the time.

But after we broke up, I started seeing a different gal. She was very attractive, outgoing, and vivacious. I'd see those same friends out and about. The next day, they would come up to me and be much nicer and ask about my girlfriend. They would come over if they saw us out and strike up a conversation with her. Meanwhile, I'm like "WTF?". 

In another instance, there was a group of us that hung out a lot, about 5 or 6 college girls, 3 or 4 young airmen, and myself the "elder statesman" so to speak. None of the girls in our group ever really approached me in a romantic way, which was cool because I did my own thing anyway. But one night while we were out dancing, a young woman from another town named April took a liking to me and by the end of the night, she and I made plans to meet at a club near her place a few days after. I walked her to her car and she kissed me goodnight. I was still reeling from my good fortune as a walked to my car. When I got there, Andrea (one of the girls from our group) was leaning against my car waiting for me. Normally, she would have taken off with the rest of the crew but she waited for me. 

I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. She just walked up to me, put her arms around my neck and gave me the biggest, most passionate kiss I've had in a long time! I asked her what that was for and she said that she's always had her eye on me but when she saw me with that other girl, she figured that she better make it known and take her shot before I got with April again. 

The point is that women in general will usually check what another has on her arm, regardless of size.


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## fuelingfire (Aug 3, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I've found over the course of my life, that women will check out a guy who is with another woman, no matter his or her size. Presumably, I guess it has something to do with the fact that another woman finds you attractive and therefore they need to look to see why.
> 
> When I was still active duty, I was dating a gal who was "okay" by all accounts. She was a nice person overall and I got along with her small children. Some of my single female friends would see us out but never commented on us as a couple (or more specifically her). I thought nothing of it at the time.
> 
> ...



There is a lot of truth to that. When I was married it was really obvious. Women who found out I was married usually became much more friendly and relax with me once they found out. In a casual non-flirty way.

But what I have written in this thread is specific to fat women. Since I came out as a FA, each person I have been with has been bigger than the last, or appears to be, I dont run around with a measuring tape and scale. This is just a coincidence, I am not slowly walking into the ocean. Normally I am invisible to fat women, but not thin women. When paired with a fat woman, I dont just get noticed by other fat women. I dont know if its a size correlation or that my current girlfriend is extremely size positive.

An athletic guy paired with a 350 pear woman, is probably going out of his way rather just being with this person due to settling. IMO


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## landshark (Sep 2, 2017)

I had an amusing interaction with a young woman at the mall yesterday. She worked at one of the stores and got a bit flirty with me, despite me being there with my boys. At the point in the conversation when I was certain she wasn't just being an engaging employee at her store, I mentioned my wife in a manner that was consistent with the conversation. Her flirtiness dropped off after that though she still engaged. 

While this was happening my wife and daughter text me I tell them what store I'm in so they can join me. As she was coming in I said to the young woman, "Here comes my wife." Her reaction was priceless. She just stared and said, "Oh. She looks...nice." (Translation: "Oh, she's really fat!") 

I am careful about a couple things. First, I am always careful to not assume an employee is flirting with me. As much as I'd like to tell myself I'm worthy of every girl out there flashing a smile and some witty comments the way this young woman did, the bottom line is I know it's not true. Add to it part of her job is to be polite to customers and it really does take some ego to assume she's flirting with me. In her case yesterday I think it was pretty obvious, though I'm not going to recount all the details of the conversation. Secondly I am also careful to not take every little reaction as a slight against overweight women. I know this is something to which I am a bit sensitive so I guard against it. This person couldn't have been more obvious in her surprise. Shortly after my wife arrived the employee broke contact by telling to ask her if we needed anything and we browsed that store for a few more minutes. I watched her and she watched us, staring at my wife intently. She looked confused and disappointed, as if to ask, "How did SHE get him?" We made eye contact again a couple times and she smiled awkwardly and looked away very quickly.

I do not consider this a good interaction or bad; it was rather benign. I share it because I've contended for a while now that people struggle to accept the fit male/fat woman combination. I don't go around looking for confirmation of this hypothesis, but every once in a while a pretty obvious confirmation jumps out of nowhere and finds me. Yesterday's incident was just that.


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## fuelingfire (Sep 2, 2017)

Not a lot that can be done. Show affection so she doesn't think you're settling, and move along. I always wonder what they get out of the extra staring. Like maybe she lost weight since last time I looked, or there is something wrong with him I didn't notice.


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## landshark (Sep 2, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> Not a lot that can be done. Show affection so she doesn't think you're settling, and move along. I always wonder what they get out of the extra staring. Like maybe she lost weight since last time I looked, *or there is something wrong with him I didn't notice.*



That's the narrative that I think prevails among those who struggle to accept this combination. I've heard so many stereotypes about guys who pursue fat women, or worse, end up with a fat wife. Usually they begin with the guy himself must be unattractive but when a guy defies that stereotype they move on to a myriad of others. I guess, "Some guys just like big girls" isn't something that resonates. :doh:


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## Dr. Feelgood (Sep 2, 2017)

happily_married said:


> "Some guys just like big girls" isn't something that resonates. :doh:



I think most people (except FA's, who have learned better) assume right off the bat that everyone else likes whatever they like. For example, my next-door neighbor has just opened his front door to share his musical taste with the neighborhood. He's a good fellow, though, so I don't mind. Besides, I have ear plugs.


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## fuelingfire (Sep 2, 2017)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I think most people (except FA's, who have learned better) assume right off the bat that everyone else likes whatever they like. For example, my next-door neighbor has just opened his front door to share his musical taste with the neighborhood. He's a good fellow, though, so I don't mind. Besides, I have ear plugs.



I am cringing when reading this at post 53. Is there a typo or am I misreading this?


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## DragonFly (Sep 3, 2017)

@fuelingfire. The dog snaology is spot on for me. When my guy and I were out together I would notice women looking at him. We were an older couple both on our second relationship. I would see mature women notice him when he was animated and laughing, he could also charm any waitress or sales associate. I really avoided looking at other people as much as I could. My public game was to be as outwardly confident as possible. I am truly super sized. I can't buy clothes in brick and mortar stores and I usually have them custom made....that kind of Supersize. We would interact and I would focus on him to avoid the stares, disgusted looks, pointing and my favorite thing the camera phones taking pictures and videos. When I see a big BBW or SSBBW I always check out who they are with, what they are wearing and how they are navigating the world. Husbands and male companions get looked over. I personally am looking for that FA-ness that can be seen, hand holding, physical cues that shows he cares, and how they interact. As a single SSBBW I did the same. It feels good to see people that look like you do... that brief glimpse of Brigadoon.


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## waldo (Sep 3, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> .......... "You know how when you meet other peoples dogs, and their dogs really like you because they can smell your dogs on you so they know you are a good person and end up being really friendly. Yeah it's like that but for you it's fat women."



That is actually REALLY PROFOUND! However, I think that not all women will react this way. I think some fat women have the impression that any guy interested in being with them has some kind of ulterior motives, and they are very wary (sadly this is often the case that the man is not a 'standup' guy). 

My wife (blue eyed blonde, apple shaped beauty) seems to get a fair bit of attention from black and hispanic men. A store manager at the local Wal-mart (black guy) has schmoozed her a few times, including earlier today (she was there with our two sons while I was at home doing some work in the yard). As she went to check out, she was looking at a candy display in the main aisle next to the check outs and he approached her asking if she needed help looking for something. She said there was a certain type of chocolate treats she was wanting but hadn't found quite what she was looking for. Next thing she knew, apparently he is sending someone back to the candy aisle and picked out several types of the brand she mentioned. He comped her one package of chocolates and she bought another. Hmm, fat white chick, black guy , and chocolates - what a likely combination 

On a more serious note, I recall back when the missus and I were first dating: we went to dinner at a nice steakhouse and were waiting outside the entrance for a table on a busy weekend evening. She was wearing a knit sweater, which was a little small on her and starting riding up her belly exposing some bare flesh. I remember (seared into my mind) a young guy from another party also waiting for a table looking at her and snickering - and she saw and was obviously disturbed by it. I realized the situation and was quick to hug her and hold hands after. It seemed like a key turning point in our budding relationship, and I can say a moment I will always look back on with fondness and pride.


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## Blockierer (Sep 3, 2017)

DragonFly said:


> When I see a big BBW or SSBBW I always check out who they are with, what they are wearing and how they are navigating the world. Husbands and male companions get looked over. I personally am looking for that FA-ness that can be seen, hand holding, physical cues that shows he cares, and how they interact.


I do the same.  
Whenever I see a (SS)BBW with male companion I check if there are any signs of FA-ness. I always wonder how this couples met. And I always have a smile on my face.

Besides I'm a big fan of fat love success stories:

*How did you meet your significant other?*
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?p=750917#post750917


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## fuelingfire (Sep 3, 2017)

DragonFly said:


> @fuelingfire. The dog snaology is spot on for me. When my guy and I were out together I would notice women looking at him. We were an older couple both on our second relationship. I would see mature women notice him when he was animated and laughing, he could also charm any waitress or sales associate. * I really avoided looking at other people as much as I could. *My public game was to be as outwardly confident as possible. I am truly super sized. I can't buy clothes in brick and mortar stores and I usually have them custom made....that kind of Supersize. We would interact and I would focus on him to avoid the stares, disgusted looks, pointing and my favorite thing the camera phones taking pictures and videos. When I see a big BBW or SSBBW I always check out who they are with, what they are wearing and how they are navigating the world. Husbands and male companions get looked over. *I personally am looking for that FA-ness that can be seen, hand holding, physical cues that shows he cares, and how they interact. * As a single SSBBW I did the same. It feels good to see people that look like you do... that brief glimpse of Brigadoon.



I must have recently repd something else you said. I have a few times thought about using the Brigadoon reference on here, but wasnt sure how many would get it. 

I decided on my Dims signature because I love the quote. There is so much truth to it. Just like playing an instrument, exercising, and studying/learning. The more you do it, the more it becomes you or feels natural. The more I have overtly expressed PDA with a fat partner, the more natural it feels.

You actually filled in a piece of the puzzle I had not considered. I know I only catch fat women checking me out, when I am with a fat woman. That it might just be in general fat women, even more so for SSBBWs, might not look at other people as much in public. Its kind of blowing my mind that I didnt consider this. It fully fits with my observations.

I always check out who a fat woman is with in public. My gf and I get really excited when we spot a BBW hot guy couple, even just texting about the sighting if we are not by each other. I find it disheartening to see hot fat woman who is dressed very fashionably with a guy who is wearing sweats and a stained t-shirt, who looks like a 4 out of 10 on an attractiveness scale. Yes, he might have a great personality I have seen it many times, and it sends a poor message. It sends a poor message to her and to the world.

My gf and I dont refer to ourselves as a mixmatched couple, we are a contrasting couple. Mix matched implies someone is reaching and someone is settling. Neither of us are settling regardless of societal standards. Our bodies look very different, but we are both 10s in our book.

Despite how much I talk about fat women on Dims, 99% of the time when I think about my gf (or any of the fat women I have dated) I dont think of my fat girlfriend, I just think of my girlfriend. Its a subtle distinction, but I think it often goes unsaid in Dims.


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## fuelingfire (Sep 3, 2017)

waldo said:


> That is actually REALLY PROFOUND! However, *I think that not all women will react this way.* I think some fat women have the impression that any guy interested in being with them has some kind of ulterior motives, and they are very wary (sadly this is often the case that the man is not a 'standup' guy).
> 
> My wife (blue eyed blonde, apple shaped beauty) seems to get a fair bit of attention from black and hispanic men. A store manager at the local Wal-mart (black guy) has schmoozed her a few times, including earlier today (she was there with our two sons while I was at home doing some work in the yard). As she went to check out, she was looking at a candy display in the main aisle next to the check outs and he approached her asking if she needed help looking for something. She said there was a certain type of chocolate treats she was wanting but hadn't found quite what she was looking for. Next thing she knew, apparently he is sending someone back to the candy aisle and picked out several types of the brand she mentioned. He comped her one package of chocolates and she bought another. Hmm, fat white chick, black guy , and chocolates - what a likely combination
> 
> On a more serious note, I recall back when the missus and I were first dating: we went to dinner at a nice steakhouse and were waiting outside the entrance for a table on a busy weekend evening. She was wearing a knit sweater, which was a little small on her and starting riding up her belly exposing some bare flesh. I remember (seared into my mind) a young guy from another party also waiting for a table looking at her and snickering - and she saw and was obviously disturbed by it. *I realized the situation and was quick to hug her and hold hands after.* It seemed like a key turning point in our budding relationship, and I can say a moment I will always look back on with fondness and pride.



Yes, not all women act this way. If I was running a scientific experiment, the results would be statistically significant. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but have discussed this a lot.

Good man, on the reaction to the jerk snickering! I think this reaction is better than going and confronting the offender. I think if they see you and your fat partner being happy, it can cause them to question their narrative. As well as distract her from noticing.


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## fuelingfire (Sep 3, 2017)

Blockierer said:


> I do the same.
> Whenever I see a (SS)BBW with male companion I check if there are any signs of FA-ness. I always wonder how this couples met. And I always have a smile on my face.
> 
> Besides I'm a big fan of fat love success stories:
> ...



I know exactly what you mean!


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## Tad (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm curious if this issue shows up with family occasions like Thanksgiving? That is, do you feel that family makes similar judgements in this regard?


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## fuelingfire (Jan 22, 2018)

On Friday night, my girlfriend and I went to her favorite brewery. The place is pretty full. We were both dressed up. I was wearing a blazer, t-shirt, and jeans. She had faux leather leggings, and a exposed back sweater. We were at the bar, eating food and each had a pint of beer in front of us. Most of the time we are there, I have my hand on my girlfriends lower back. Some guy comes and sits next to me, and orders about $50 of take out food. I really didn’t take much notice because I was talking with my girlfriend. After awhile the guy is given his food and leaves.

Then the two guys who were sitting on the other side of him, nudge me. and say “Did you know that guy won the lottery?” 

And I said, “No, why?”

One of the guys, “Well did you see all the food he ordered? He had to have.”

I said something like, “sure.” I assumed they were just drunk, and turned back to my girlfriend to resume our conversation.

After about 10 seconds, one of the guys nudges me. My rock-n-roll hearing isn’t the best in loud rooms. I though he said, “Are you *my* Uber driver?”

I am sure I gave them a funny look and then said, “No.” And again turned away to talk to my girlfriend.

It wasn’t until we left, my girlfriend was talking to our friends we met up with that she said what he actually said. “Are you *her* Uber driver?” Had I realized that is what he said, I would have told him off right there.


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## mister_bueno (Jan 22, 2018)

Did I miss something - not sure what the lottery winner and Uber driving is supposed to imply. I wouldn't have been insulted - just really confused?


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## fuelingfire (Jan 23, 2018)

mister_bueno said:


> Did I miss something - not sure what the lottery winner and Uber driving is supposed to imply. I wouldn't have been insulted - just really confused?



This is inline with the topic of the thread.

Lottery winner was to give to context of the conversation. There was nothing going on implying I was an Uber drive, and I am not saying being an Uber driver is an insult. Given the context of everything, the only reason to guess I was her Uber driver, is that a 350 lbs woman couldnt possibly be on a date with a conventionally attractive male, so I must be getting paid to interact with her. It was a passive aggressive comment. It was meant to be offensive to my girlfriend, which made it offensive to me.

Every person my girlfriend told this story to also thought it was offensive.


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## mister_bueno (Jan 23, 2018)

Ah, I see. It sounds like those guys are real idiots. I would hope my Uber driver doesn't drink beer before giving me a ride, let alone touch the small of my back the whole time!


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## TwoSwords (Jan 23, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> This is inline with the topic of the thread.
> 
> Lottery winner was to give to context of the conversation. There was nothing going on implying I was an Uber drive, and I am not saying being an Uber driver is an insult. Given the context of everything, the only reason to guess I was her Uber driver, is that a 350 lbs woman couldnt possibly be on a date with a conventionally attractive male, so I must be getting paid to interact with her. It was a passive aggressive comment. It was meant to be offensive to my girlfriend, which made it offensive to me.
> 
> Every person my girlfriend told this story to also thought it was offensive.



Let's see... Replies, replies...

Perhaps humble; "Hard to believe she's into me, isn't it?"

Or enterprising, "Why? Do you have someplace to be?"

Maybe apologetic, "Sorry, man. You're too late."

Or curious, (in most innocent tone of voice,) "Where's your date?"

Or something simple, like, "Jealous?"

There are others, of course, but these are the simplest ones.


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## landshark (Jan 24, 2018)

TwoSwords said:


> Let's see... Replies, replies...
> 
> Perhaps humble; "Hard to believe she's into me, isn't it?"
> 
> ...



As much as I like most of these I am of the mindset that its better not to indulge stupid people. Of course that can change if my wife notices the insults the way FFs girlfriend did. Even then Id follow her lead and if she deems it beneath her I will too. Just the other day she was in the ladies room and a girl told her mom (who was in one of the stalls) that this lady is really fat. She just ignored her and surmised it is a parenting failure on some level that this child of about 8 or 9 years old would not see that kind of statement as unacceptable.

There have been times weve both reacted but its not like we changed any minds by doing so. People can be nasty and vulgar and when theyre comfortable doing so in public its often to provoke reaction and I see little to no value in indulging.


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## TwoSwords (Jan 24, 2018)

happily_married said:


> As much as I like most of these I am of the mindset that its better not to indulge stupid people. Of course that can change if my wife notices the insults the way FFs girlfriend did. Even then Id follow her lead and if she deems it beneath her I will too. Just the other day she was in the ladies room and a girl told her mom (who was in one of the stalls) that this lady is really fat. She just ignored her and surmised it is a parenting failure on some level that this child of about 8 or 9 years old would not see that kind of statement as unacceptable.



Oh! Well, in the case of a young child, I wouldn't even take offense at all. They tend to mean things more innocuously than adults do, on average. Who knows? That kid might be like I was at that age, and trying to let people know I'd noticed some of their positive qualities (in, of course, the clumsy way we have when we're kids.)



happily_married said:


> There have been times weve both reacted but its not like we changed any minds by doing so. People can be nasty and vulgar and when theyre comfortable doing so in public its often to provoke reaction and I see little to no value in indulging.



Well, that's why I wrote all of those replies specifically to avoid sounding angry or mean-spirited. Usually, if a person is willing to stand up in public (and I mean in real life, now. Not just on the internet) and denigrate a real fat person who's right in front of them, their mind won't be changed, no matter what you say or do. The most you can do by way of reply is to remind them that their words haven't hurt you in any way, and that they can't expect to dominate the discussion with their evil rhetoric, but I'm not out there trying to *convince* my opponents, precisely. Some things just aren't realistic.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 24, 2018)

happily_married said:


> As much as I like most of these I am of the mindset that its better not to indulge stupid people. Of course that can change if my wife notices the insults the way FFs girlfriend did. Even then Id follow her lead and if she deems it beneath her I will too. Just the other day she was in the ladies room and a girl told her mom (who was in one of the stalls) that this lady is really fat. She just ignored her and surmised it is a parenting failure on some level that this child of about 8 or 9 years old would not see that kind of statement as unacceptable.
> 
> There have been times weve both reacted but its not like we changed any minds by doing so. People can be nasty and vulgar and when theyre comfortable doing so in public its often to provoke reaction and I see little to no value in indulging.



Had I heard it correctly, my response would probably have been "F--- off!" in a fairly menacing tone. However simply giving them a puzzled look and saying "No," also shut them up.

My gf did say she was surprised, I didn't treat it like an insult, until I said what I thought I heard to her. What really sucked was she talked about how that damaged her self image. She said she had been feeling exceptionally good about how she looks lately, more than her normal body positive self. And one guys "joke" tore that down.


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## loopytheone (Jan 25, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> Had I heard it correctly, my response would probably have been "F--- off!" in a fairly menacing tone. However simply giving them a puzzled look and saying "No," also shut them up.
> 
> My gf did say she was surprised, I didn't treat it like an insult, until I said what I thought I heard to her. What really sucked was she talked about how that damaged her self image. She said she had been feeling exceptionally good about how she looks lately, more than her normal body positive self. And one guys "joke" tore that down.



God that makes me so angry to hear. I don't know what is wrong with some people, that their lives are so miserable they feel the need to hurt others to get some pleasure. I'm sure your girlfriend is gorgeous.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 26, 2018)

loopytheone said:


> God that makes me so angry to hear. I don't know what is wrong with some people, that their lives are so miserable they feel the need to hurt others to get some pleasure. I'm sure your girlfriend is gorgeous.



She is stunning, and in my eyes has nothing to feel self conscious about.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 26, 2018)

Tad said:


> I'm curious if this issue shows up with family occasions like Thanksgiving? That is, do you feel that family makes similar judgements in this regard?



I just realized no one responded to you Tad. At least for me, this was only during the "coming out" FA phase. After family noticed they were only meeting fat women, they (fat girls) were treated like a normal person, as they should be.

I know every family is different though.


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## landshark (Jan 27, 2018)

TwoSwords said:


> Oh! Well, in the case of a young child, I wouldn't even take offense at all. They tend to mean things more innocuously than adults do, on average. Who knows? That kid might be like I was at that age, and trying to let people know I'd noticed some of their positive qualities (in, of course, the clumsy way we have when we're kids.)
> 
> 
> 
> Well, that's why I wrote all of those replies specifically to avoid sounding angry or mean-spirited. Usually, if a person is willing to stand up in public (and I mean in real life, now. Not just on the internet) and denigrate a real fat person who's right in front of them, their mind won't be changed, no matter what you say or do. The most you can do by way of reply is to remind them that their words haven't hurt you in any way, and that they can't expect to dominate the discussion with their evil rhetoric, but I'm not out there trying to *convince* my opponents, precisely. Some things just aren't realistic.



I dont disagree and frankly the only thing that distinguishes the way I respond, one way from another, is the mood Im in when confronted with something like this. Thankfully its been a decent length of time since Ive noticed anything more than a disapproving look in my wifes direction. In those scenarios if I make eye contact with the person I always smile at her (its almost exclusively women who do this*) big and polite and happy. Shell draw these looks sometimes at the beach or at restaurants. At a beach more of her body is on display than usual and at a restaurant shes doing the very activity that contributed to her glorious body: eating. Especially when she is eating dessert. 

Of course not everything merits a verbal response. Disapproving looks fall in that category in my opinion. Im not going to get up and cross the dining area just to tell person to mind her own business and let the fat woman eat her chocolate mousse in peace! Insults like what FF experienced are a little different but I have to admit in his specific case Id have probably not even picked up on the insult. Id have thought the guy was just a little drunk, weird or socially awkward.

*i know there are plenty of guys who are judgy and nasty too, but in my experience they are not as passive aggressive as the women who shoot dirty looks from across the room. With guys who dont like fat women I am convinced there is still a part of them that sees a fat woman and says, I wouldnt want to be her boyfriend and definitely not her husband, but Id definitely hit it for a one-n-done just to see what its like.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 27, 2018)

happily_married said:


> With guys who dont like fat women I am convinced there is still a part of them that sees a fat woman and says, I wouldnt want to be her boyfriend and definitely not her husband, but Id definitely hit it for a one-n-done just to see what its like.



There really is no right response. Every interaction is different. I also always wonder about guys who seem to want to tease fat women and FAs. Are they closet FAs? Otherwise why do they care?


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2018)

happily_married said:


> Of course not everything merits a verbal response. Disapproving looks fall in that category in my opinion.



Well, I certainly agree with that. Particularly in my case, where I don't feel I should assume I know what the person is thinking behind that look.

It might be "ugh, she's so fat," or it might be, "for goodness sake, how did she manage that, and I can't get past 120! Lucky blank!"

You never know. Being a different kind of person sort of broadens my understanding of how little I can deduce from the nonverbal behavior of others.



happily_married said:


> *i know there are plenty of guys who are judgy and nasty too, but in my experience they are not as passive aggressive as the women who shoot dirty looks from across the room. With guys who don’t like fat women I am convinced there is still a part of them that sees a fat woman and says, “I wouldn’t want to be her boyfriend and definitely not her husband, but I’d definitely hit it for a &#8216;one-n-done’ just to see what it’s like.”



I'm not 100% convinced of that. Just because *I* don't see how a person could dislike the appearance of a fat person or find them unattractive, doesn't mean I don't think they do. After all, I don't feel in any way attracted to very thin people, and I certainly never think about sex while I'm looking at them, so who knows? The same could be true of them on that opposite side of the scale, so to speak.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 28, 2018)

TwoSwords said:


> Well, I certainly agree with that. Particularly in my case, where I don't feel I should assume I know what the person is thinking behind that look.
> 
> It might be "ugh, she's so fat," or it might be, "for goodness sake, how did she manage that, and I can't get past 120! Lucky blank!"
> 
> ...



I am sure its not all guys who insult fat women are closet FAs, but I am sure some of them are. I have no idea what percentage of them, it might be very low.

Since about the age of 5, I was aware that I was only attracted to fat women. Someone clearly explained to me that I should not like them, I dont remember who. So I was closeted. I did realize that the only socially acceptable way to bring up fat women was to say jokes about them. I never did to a fat persons face. And I am not proud of this, actually after writing this am ashamed. But this was a very acceptable thing to do, and it might still be but I havent done it since probably the mid to late 90s, so I dont really know.

One of the best examples was talking with friends about the tv show, Married with Children. Over time this show has aged poorly, though I still find Als obsession with being a Polk High football legend funny. Frequently, when Al would talk about how his day was, Peg, a fat woman came into the store today. Thin women who made guest appearances on the show were always models, and very attractive. There were somewhat frequent fat women who would show up on the show, it was normally clear that in casting they didnt care if the women were attractive fat women, so many of them were just fat.

There is only fat joke from the show that I still think is amsuing. Al and one of his friends is on vacation. They get selected to be 2 of the 4 swimsuit competition judges. They get told that they other 2 judges are the winners of the last 2 years swimsuit competitions. So they are very excited to meet the other judges. When they finally do, after years of starving themselves, once these models could eat again, they became SSBBWs. They actually cast gorgeous fat women for these rolls! Of course Al and his friend were horrified. 

I talked with friends about that show so much, it is bringing back a lot memories of talking about it.


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## landshark (Jan 28, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> I am sure its not all guys who insult fat women are closet FAs, but I am sure some of them are. I have no idea what percentage of them, it might be very low.



I am not even talking about guys who insult fat women who are closet FAs. I know they exist because I used to be one myself. Im talking about guys who would bang a fat woman if they got the chance but wouldnt want to be in a committed relationship with one. And truthfully I was one of these guys too at one point in my development. I had that attraction but fought it off until I was about 24 or so. I knew I liked fat women but wished so badly I didnt. The first time I had sex with a truly fat woman I did so thinking once I got it out of my system Id be fine. The problem for me was I didnt get it out of my system; I got snared. After that point I started pursuing fat women nearly exclusively (with some embarrassing attempts to try to date hot women along the way. Thats a story for another thread!) When I met my wife she was thick but smaller than the previous women Id pursued. Since then shes blossomed into the biggest woman Ive ever been with. And thats sort of become a point of pride with me lately: the biggest woman Ive ever been with happens to be my wife and lately every time I have sex with her I set a new record for the biggest woman Ive ever had sex with. Doing this with the same person while being completely owned and dominated by her is an amazing sensation. 

Anyway I got a little distracted with that. Back on point, I was actually an FA who thought if I just had sex with a fat woman Id be able to move on. I was wrong. But a lot of guys actually dont like fat woman but are still willing to have sex with them. Call it a bucket list item for them or something theyll do in a dry spell. The difference is these guys may enjoy sex with fat women but unlike me are able to move on once theyve had sex. For me all that experience did was essentially seal my fate: I was basically at that point a fat womans husband waiting to happen.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 28, 2018)

happily_married said:


> I am not even talking about guys who insult fat women who are closet FAs. I know they exist because I used to be one myself. Im talking about guys who would bang a fat woman if they got the chance but wouldnt want to be in a committed relationship with one. And truthfully I was one of these guys too at one point in my development. I had that attraction but fought it off until I was about 24 or so. I knew I liked fat women but wished so badly I didnt. The first time I had sex with a truly fat woman I did so thinking once I got it out of my system Id be fine. The problem for me was I didnt get it out of my system; I got snared. After that point I started pursuing fat women nearly exclusively (with some embarrassing attempts to try to date hot women along the way. Thats a story for another thread!) When I met my wife she was thick but smaller than the previous women Id pursued. Since then shes blossomed into the biggest woman Ive ever been with. And thats sort of become a point of pride with me lately: the biggest woman Ive ever been with happens to be my wife and lately every time I have sex with her I set a new record for the biggest woman Ive ever had sex with. Doing this with the same person while being completely owned and dominated by her is an amazing sensation.
> 
> Anyway I got a little distracted with that. Back on point, I was actually an FA who thought if I just had sex with a fat woman Id be able to move on. I was wrong. But a lot of guys actually dont like fat woman but are still willing to have sex with them. Call it a bucket list item for them or something theyll do in a dry spell. The difference is these guys may enjoy sex with fat women but unlike me are able to move on once theyve had sex. *For me all that experience did was essentially seal my fate*: I was basically at that point a fat womans husband waiting to happen.



I think it gets murkier with these type of men. Take this with a grain of salt. I really dont know. A lot of the guys who, I have seen, fall into this category, seem to be willing to have sex with anyone. All of the girls they date are thin. But when just hooking up they will with: fat women, hot thin women, ugly thin women, annoying women, and women with no personalities. It seems more like it is who ever is willing to put out. I dont really think sleeping with a fat woman is something they are trying to get out of their system, but I could be wrong. I only see through FA eyes, I am just guessing.

However, a lot of these guys also say sex with fat women is better. About half say, they just want it more, they are more grateful. The other half just say, It feels better. Either way it sounds like a huge plus to wanting to be with a fat woman. I have never slept with a thin woman, but I like to assume they are both true.

So I knew since about 5ish, that I was only attracted to fat women. I hated that part of me for years and wished I could teach myself to like thin women. I tried hard to not pay attention to fat women at all, which was very hard. And kept telling myself how attractive traditional models were. I might have kept this up for a few months. I am guessing this was around the age of 12. Until I saw a fat woman on a stationary bike at the YMCA. Her stomach was hanging a few inches below her shirt and swaying with each pedal press. There is nothing I could imagine with a thin woman that was as hot as that.

Within a few years of that, my family got the internet. When I was alone I looked up for the first time, an image of a naked fat woman. That was the moment, I knew there was no lying to myself. There is no changing. My ideal woman is fat.

I did date a handful of thin athletic girls in high school, because that is the type of girl I was supposed to like. During any fooling around, I was always imagining the fattest girls in school. I was worried they would notice I wasnt aroused.


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## landshark (Jan 28, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> I think it gets murkier with these type of men. Take this with a grain of salt. I really dont know. A lot of the guys who, I have seen, fall into this category, seem to be willing to have sex with anyone. All of the girls they date are thin. But when just hooking up they will with: fat women, hot thin women, ugly thin women, annoying women, and women with no personalities. It seems more like it is who ever is willing to put out. I dont really think sleeping with a fat woman is something they are trying to get out of their system, but I could be wrong. I only see through FA eyes, I am just guessing.
> 
> However, a lot of these guys also say sex with fat women is better. About half say, they just want it more, they are more grateful. The other half just say, It feels better. Either way it sounds like a huge plus to wanting to be with a fat woman. I have never slept with a thin woman, but I like to assume they are both true.



I agree: a lot of guys are willing to hook up with anyone who will have them. But to be clear, I compared myself to them not because of the similar mindset but to distinguish my mentality from theirs. I wasnt willing to hook up with anything. In fact, I was afraid to hook up with fatties because I knew deep down inside Id love it and I didnt want to. I liked the way I looked with thin/athletic women by my side. 

On that note I can tell you from experience having slept with both athletic women and fat women: fat women are better. It has nothing to do with how hard they try, or they are desparate to keep a man, etc. Fat women just are better. Sex with fat women is far superior to sex with thin women.



fuelingfire said:


> So I knew since about 5ish, that I was only attracted to fat women. I hated that part of me for years and wished I could teach myself to like thin women. I tried hard to not pay attention to fat women at all, which was very hard. And kept telling myself how attractive traditional models were. I might have kept this up for a few months. I am guessing this was around the age of 12. Until I saw a fat woman on a stationary bike at the YMCA. Her stomach was hanging a few inches below her shirt and swaying with each pedal press. There is nothing I could imagine with a thin woman that was as hot as that.
> 
> Within a few years of that, my family got the internet. When I was alone I looked up for the first time, an image of a naked fat woman. That was the moment, I knew there was no lying to myself. There is no changing. My ideal woman is fat.



I forced the issue too for years. But long before I ever started having sex with fat women Id look at fat porn, even while I was involved with thing women. Again, at that point I was still hoping it was just a fetish or a little itch that if I scratched it would go away.



fuelingfire said:


> I did date a handful of thin athletic girls in high school, because that is the type of girl I was supposed to like. During any fooling around, I was always imagining the fattest girls in school. I was worried they would notice I wasnt aroused.



Haha, ok this may be the time to share one of those embarrassing stories I mentioned earlier. At one point after I started having sex with fat women I bumped into a friend from high school. She was super athletic, and she and I had run track together. She had a curvy athletic body and when she saw me looked my up and down, literally just asked if I wanted to fuck. Just like that. I said yes and the very next night there we were. There was just one little problem: I was used to sex with fat women by then and I just couldnt get into this girl. I literally went soft inside her! Of course since we knew each other from high school a lot of our mutual friends found out about this too. Years later after I had taken the social media plunge one such mutual friend and I were getting caught up on Facebook. She asked me if it was true and I owned up to it, explaining why it happened. She was nice. She said, You shouldnt look at it as an embarrassment, but a win for fat women! Good perspective.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 28, 2018)

happily_married said:


> I agree: a lot of guys are willing to hook up with anyone who will have them. But to be clear, I compared myself to them not because of the similar mindset but to distinguish my mentality from theirs. I wasnt willing to hook up with anything. In fact, I was afraid to hook up with fatties because I knew deep down inside Id love it and I didnt want to. I liked the way I looked with thin/athletic women by my side.



I got that. I try not to repeat myself to much when we converse. So I pick and choose what I can additionally add.


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## fuelingfire (Jan 28, 2018)

happily_married said:


> Haha, ok this may be the time to share one of those embarrassing stories I mentioned earlier. At one point after I started having sex with fat women I bumped into a friend from high school. She was super athletic, and she and I had run track together. She had a curvy athletic body and when she saw me looked my up and down, literally just asked if I wanted to fuck. Just like that. I said yes and the very next night there we were. There was just one little problem: I was used to sex with fat women by then and I just couldnt get into this girl. I literally went soft inside her! Of course since we knew each other from high school a lot of our mutual friends found out about this too. Years later after I had taken the social media plunge one such mutual friend and I were getting caught up on Facebook. She asked me if it was true and I owned up to it, explaining why it happened. She was nice. She said, You shouldnt look at it as an embarrassment, but a win for fat women! Good perspective.



So, here is the story of The Last Thin Girl I Ever Dated. The title has an appropriate ring to it. This is also the closest I came to having sex with a thin girl. Somewhere I told a condensed version of this story, that is less embarrassing/funny. At this point I had not dated any fat women.

Before I actually met and was introduced to her, she was a server at a restaurant I went to about a year before. She was a BBW pear at the time. At that size, she was a FA 10 out of 10. I remembered her face, and she told me she worked there after we met.

She started working at the same restaurant I was working at part time. She lost a lot of weight, and was very proud she was down to 120 lbs, really impressive for anyone. As a thin woman, she was still a 10 out of 10, if you like thin women. I had so many guys telling how lucky I was. She still had a big butt, but was definitely thin. It was also in my mind that most people who lose a huge amount of weight all at once will gain a lot of it back. So I could sort of stay in the closet and eventually be dating a fat woman.

We started flirting, and at first seemed very compatible. We only used the dating term for a few weeks. We mutually broke it off. She went on to marry and divorce the guy she started dating the day after we parted. I dont remember how she worded it, but she liked causal sex and normally used that to determine if she wanted to be in a relationship. I know I sound like a huge prude here. But this was probably between 2000 and 2002, before Tinder. And I was a virgin, largely related to not being with someone I really wanted to have sex with, a fat woman.

She only found out I was a virgin after we started dating. Then she became scared that, if I had sex with her it might mean something to me. She was worried I would become overly attached. I wasnt worried about it. I lost interest in her due to a lot of our different views on issues being a deal breaker, also there were things she was doing in her personal life that rubbed me the wrong way. 

Her loss of interest was most likely due to the following. So one night we were getting pretty hot and heavy in her bedroom. It seemed natural and we decided, this was going to be the night. The foreplay was going. And she was telling me what fetishes she likes, basically rough sex. She was trying to talk me into telling her what mine are. Me being the nice guy, I cant tell a person who is so proud of how hard they worked to lose weight, that I would prefer if she tried to gain all the weight back that she lost. Because to me, she would look better. So I said I didnt have one. She was like oh, this is going to be boring.

So there are a lot of things working against me having an erection. 
1.	I was a nervous virgin, who was going to have sex with a very experienced woman.
2.	I am aware virgins are not usually good at sex, more nervousness. As she has said that is how she normally decides if she will be in a relationship with someone. She said she has never had good sex with someone who had less than 5 partners.
3.	Though she was and is (I saw her in public about a year ago) a stunning beautiful thin woman. I am only aroused by fat women.
4.	Right when we are about to have sex, she tells me it will likely be boring

And erection gone! No amount of thinking of fat women could bring it back from the dead. The next day we had a talk and both parted ways mutually. I had so many guys ask me what happen. I just would say we werent right for each other. I was so embarrassed at the time. There is a part of me now that very badly wants to tell her the truth, because I know she will find it funny. I sure as hell do. But it would have to be in an appropriate setting, which is very unlikely to happen.


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## landshark (Jan 28, 2018)

FF, I can see why that would have been embarrassing. But in hindsight its all good. Especially now when things couldnt be better from a relationship standpoint.

The epilogue to my embarrassing story came about 6 or so years after I went soft inside this woman. We were visiting my parents when my wife had to make an ER visit.

Its important to pause here and add a few details. The girl I went soft in worked at a strip club when I had my embarrassing incident with her. She cleaned up on nights and weekends. The money she made? Put her through a nursing program. So there I am with my 330 pound wife at the ER back in the town Id gone to HS, this girls hometown, and guess who our ER nurse is?

She was very polite and professional but you could tell she was surprised I had such a fat wife. Still, if she connected my failure to stay hard inside her with my preference for fatties she didnt let on. 

And all this talk about embarrassing moments in sex has inspired me. Ill have a new thread up on the subject on the appropriate forum later tonight!


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## landshark (Feb 11, 2018)

We were at a store yesterday and my wife drew some disapproving looks from a couple who looked to be in their early 30s. They were with some additional family members (their kids, and older couple, and maybe an adult sibling or something like that. Total a group of 9-10).

I wont get into all the details, just that as their group progress through the store the looks of contempt were consistent. I see this from time to time and dont always comment on it here because its fairly routine by now.

Im mentioning this group from yesterday because of one thing: neither of these two were in great shape themselves. Both were about 59, he may have been and inch r so taller than her. She was chubby, perhaps a little over 200 pounds. He was easily 220 or so, with a noticeable gut. So basically you have two plumbers shooting looks of contempt and even motioning toward my wife and shaking their heads, and they themselves are overweight too! 

To make things worse they were openly rude to me. I found a wallet on the ground. It was a kids wallet but I still checked for identification inside and there was a drivers license. The picture looked like it could have been the guy from this couple. I turned it into the customer service desk but bumped into them as I was returning to my family. I asked if he had dropped a wallet and explained why I asked. He just stared and she gave an overstated sigh and said, We didnt drop a wallet. And pressed on. 

As if all this time in the store shooting dirty looks and being rude to someone who was trying to be courteous, they were all just outside the exit when we left. The adults were all lighting up. The smell of cigarette smoke filled the air and was disgusting. 

I just think its interesting when people who are themselves overweight display such contempt for an overweight person. Their smoking habit pushes it over the top. 

It was raining when we exited and I makes sure I said within earshot of this couple and their family, Do you want me to go pull up the car? Do you mind waiting here? Its a bit low brow. I motioned toward the couple as I said this. 

Probably not the best way to handle it. A bit passive aggressive, and truthfully this group was undeserving of a response of any kind. Still Im only human.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 11, 2018)

happily_married said:


> We were at a store yesterday and my wife drew some disapproving looks from a couple who looked to be in their early 30s. They were with some additional family members (their kids, and older couple, and maybe an adult sibling or something like that. Total a group of 9-10).
> 
> I wont get into all the details, just that as their group progress through the store the looks of contempt were consistent. I see this from time to time and dont always comment on it here because its fairly routine by now.
> 
> ...



From everything you've said here, this might not even have been weight-related. Maybe they just hated your shirt or something.


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## fuelingfire (Feb 11, 2018)

TwoSwords said:


> From everything you've said here, this might not even have been weight-related. Maybe they just hated your shirt or something.



That is possible. But like most of this thread talks about, it was probably the 400 lbs woman with the muscular/lean-body-build husband. That violates social norms.


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## fuelingfire (Feb 11, 2018)

happily_married said:


> We were at a store yesterday and my wife drew some disapproving looks from a couple who looked to be in their early 30s. They were with some additional family members (their kids, and older couple, and maybe an adult sibling or something like that. Total a group of 9-10).
> 
> I wont get into all the details, just that as their group progress through the store the looks of contempt were consistent. I see this from time to time and dont always comment on it here because its fairly routine by now.
> 
> ...



These situations are just odd. Its hard to relate to these people, or guess the reason for their staring. Its definitely weirder if multiple people are staring, making you wonder if they are talking about you/her/both of you.
Was the attention mostly on her? Or both of you?

You would think, them being (small?) fat would make them sympathetic to other fat people, but apparently not. They could just be rude people. I sometimes wonder if denial is just going on. Or if they are thinking, Well, I am fat, but I am glad I am not that fat. My girlfriend says she prefers having fat girlfriends, because they understand. After she said that, I realized that basically all of her girlfriends are different sizes of BBW. It was kind of a cool moment when it dawned on me.

My go to for this type of behavior, for the last year or so, has been to be super affectionate in front of these types of people. Sometimes just wave at them. Most people when caught gawking, stop doing it. But again, there is no right response.


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 12, 2018)

happily_married said:


> We were at a store yesterday and my wife drew some disapproving looks from a couple who looked to be in their early 30s. They were with some additional family members (their kids, and older couple, and maybe an adult sibling or something like that. Total a group of 9-10).
> 
> I wont get into all the details, just that as their group progress through the store the looks of contempt were consistent. I see this from time to time and dont always comment on it here because its fairly routine by now.
> 
> ...



So...you assumed they were rude and judgemental about your wife's lifestyle choices, and in turn you judged them as being "low brow" for choosing to smoke?


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## fuelingfire (Feb 12, 2018)

LoveBHMS said:


> So...you assumed they were rude and judgemental about your wife's lifestyle choices, and in turn you judged them as being "low brow" for choosing to smoke?



Do you think smoking was the only thing HM wrote that made them "low brow?"


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 12, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> Do you think smoking was the only thing HM wrote that made them "low brow?"



No...he also mentioned they were overweight.

Am I really the only one on here with a huge measure of discomfort over his posts? He goes on ad nauseum about how THIN and FIT and ATHLETIC he is. How he is so obsessed with working out....and as an aside he's so wealthy and successful? All the while describing his wife's lifestyle choices that make it obvious she has an eating disorder?


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## fuelingfire (Feb 12, 2018)

LoveBHMS said:


> No...he also mentioned they were overweight.
> 
> Am I really the only one on here with a huge measure of discomfort over his posts? He goes on ad nauseum about how THIN and FIT and ATHLETIC he is. How he is so obsessed with working out....and as an aside he's so wealthy and successful? All the while describing his wife's lifestyle choices that make it obvious she has an eating disorder?




I was referring to the staring, gesturing, and rudeness they displayed toward HM and his wife. Not about them being overweight. 

I personally look forward to HMs posts. He is one of the few people I have meet online or in real life that has very similar experiences to my own. Often when he posts something, it will loosen an old memory from my past, that I have kind of forgotten about until I read his posts.

Neither of us are big fans of being told, You dont look like the type of guy who likes fat chicks! The stereotype being redneck, poor, and uneducated. All FAs I have met in real life unfortunately fit this stereotype. So, yeah for passive-aggressive complements, I guess.

I also frequently mention that I am a lean weightlifter. I actually dont mention it to brag. It is for reference to the thread when I do. Often when people post about their experiences, I am left to wonder if how they look is effecting what they are talking about. There are times I think I might be bringing it up to much. The title of this thread is Reactions and Observations From a Mismatched Couple. It is very relevant here.


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## landshark (Feb 12, 2018)

LoveBHMS said:


> So...you assumed they were rude and judgemental about your wife's lifestyle choices, and in turn you judged them as being "low brow" for choosing to smoke?



Like I admitted...Im only human. Judge away!



fuelingfire said:


> Do you think smoking was the only thing HM wrote that made them "low brow?"



In all actuality it was the totality of the experience that led to my comment. I didnt mention but the store was a Bass Pro shop and those stores have a big fish display. My kids were looking at the fish and this group came over and aggressively crowded them out. It was around this time I found the wallet and turned it in. Only as I was walking back did I think the guy could pass for the guy on the license. Wrong I was I guess but thats not the point. If a complete stranger asked me if I had lost a wallet Id be polite knowing he/she was trying to do the right thing. I would expect the same of others if Im trying to do the right thing. 

So the comment was more than assumptions. It was a logical conclusion based on the only data I had on them. Data they provided.



LoveBHMS said:


> No...he also mentioned they were overweight.
> 
> Am I really the only one on here with a huge measure of discomfort over his posts? He goes on ad nauseum about how THIN and FIT and ATHLETIC he is. How he is so obsessed with working out....and as an aside he's so wealthy and successful? All the while describing his wife's lifestyle choices that make it obvious she has an eating disorder?



I mentioned their weight solely to convey people who are overweight shouldnt be judgmental of others weight issues. I dont expect them to automatically have empathy for others who are overweight, though that would be nice. 

As for references to my fitness, its a big part of who I am. I mention it here because much of what I put on here are from the context of a relationship combination that is considered unconventional. Like it or not, people struggle with the notion that fit guys may like bigger girls, and I post here from the context of witnessing those reactions from people on a frequent basis. 

And for the record a few years ago my wife had a run of success with weight loss. I supported her efforts and spoke highly of her hard work. Some members blasted me for that. Some blast me for enjoying her current weight. If you dont like it all I ask (and I am saying this politely not provocatively) is you remember people can never please everyone. I dont try. I dont set out to offend anyone but Im not here to make anyone happy either. Im just sharing some thoughts and observations. Do with them what you will.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 13, 2018)

LoveBHMS said:


> No...he also mentioned they were overweight.
> 
> Am I really the only one on here with a huge measure of discomfort over his posts? He goes on ad nauseum about how THIN and FIT and ATHLETIC he is. How he is so obsessed with working out....and as an aside he's so wealthy and successful? All the while describing his wife's lifestyle choices that make it obvious she has an eating disorder?



Where did he describe what his wife was eating?

P.S.: If I thought he were trying to brag about his fitness, I would find that a bit odd, but I didn't get that impression. It seemed more like he just mentioned it for the purposes of context.



happily_married said:


> And for the record a few years ago my wife had a run of success with weight loss. I supported her efforts and spoke highly of her hard work. Some members blasted me for that. Some blast me for enjoying her current weight. If you don’t like it all I ask (and I am saying this politely not provocatively) is you remember people can never please everyone. I don’t try. I don’t set out to offend anyone but I’m not here to make anyone happy either. I’m just sharing some thoughts and observations. Do with them what you will.



You've mentioned this before, and again, I didn't get the impression you were boasting or anything like that. I don't really get it, but it's your life.


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## landshark (Feb 13, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> These situations are just odd. Its hard to relate to these people, or guess the reason for their staring. Its definitely weirder if multiple people are staring, making you wonder if they are talking about you/her/both of you.
> Was the attention mostly on her? Or both of you?
> 
> You would think, them being (small?) fat would make them sympathetic to other fat people, but apparently not. They could just be rude people. I sometimes wonder if denial is just going on. Or if they are thinking, Well, I am fat, but I am glad I am not that fat. My girlfriend says she prefers having fat girlfriends, because they understand. After she said that, I realized that basically all of her girlfriends are different sizes of BBW. It was kind of a cool moment when it dawned on me.
> ...



The last paragraph here is key. Weve discussed this idea from time to time and Ill repeat it here. Nobody will ever be able to see my public interaction with my wife and assume Ive settled. Theyd have to do some serious mental yoga to conclude that Im anything short of smitten by her. She likes it too because sometimes shes the one who picks up on judgmental stares and always loves it when I start fawning all over her, unprompted, in front of a judgmental stare.


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 13, 2018)

TwoSwords said:


> Where did he describe what his wife was eating?
> 
> P.S.: If I thought he were trying to brag about his fitness, I would find that a bit odd, but I didn't get that impression. It seemed more like he just mentioned it for the purposes of context.
> 
> ...



It's not what....it's how. He's said repeatedly she does not like being fat, yet he describes in detail her eating habits. Any casual observer would believe she suffers from Compulsive Eating. By his own telling, she routinely eats massive amounts of junk food and has more than doubled her weight as an adult. She is not a feedee/gainer yet weighs over 400 pounds.

The majority of his posts are humblebrags. He's repeatedly outlined how fit he is. Lately he added in his education and income. Those posts are alternated with posts about his wife's eating habits----Wendy's shakes, multiple pastries at Starbucks and a dozen donuts at a time. Her eating habits as he recounts them are indicative of a compulsive overeater.


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## agouderia (Feb 13, 2018)

I've followed this thread for a while from the perspective of a communication scientist with a mixture of amusement, irritation and also disbelief.

Because except in the reported incidents where people verbally addressed the issue, most of what we read here are overinterpretations, projections and misunderstandings.

If you are overtly aware of an issue yourself, you actively look for cues and interpret them into actions of people observed which these most likely never sent. 
Many of the patterns in the perceived incidents described in this thread's posts are typical up to an adolescent age, mainly among protagonists who know each other. Finding them in interactions between casually passing adults in such frequency as elaborated here IRL is statistically highly unlikely.

Which leads to one of the general underlying issues at Dims and all other community sites that cater to special interests and preferences.

Most of us come here because we care deeply about an issue - and probably would long to have more of it in our daily reality one way or the other. There is a great word in German to describe this state of mind: _Sehnsucht_. It's usually simply translated with either 'longing' or 'desire'. But the compound word literally means "fervent desire for your addiction" (in this case mental addiction) - which probably hits pretty close to home with many here.

So the lines between reality, fantasy and desire can become blurred. A few of us - like myself - actually write out our fantasies as weight gain fiction - and label it as such. Other spice up their reality with fantasy details. Or embellish their life stories with the deeper meaning they wish to be there.
We have a number of such "real life" stories on the Weight Board where it honestly exasperates me that other readers refuse to see the 105% obvious signs that these are not real life stories, but fiction. 

Which leads to the second issue just addressed and that is a general internet problem, not exclusive to Dims. Namely that reporting episodes from real life mostly not only features the reporter him/herself - but also other protagonists.

Now in most cases the referenced spouses and significant others are not members of this community. I've occassionally wondered how they would react to knowing how much about them and their personal lives can be found here.
The internet is generally not a good place for upholding privacy rights - and personal storytelling including external protagonists has always been tolerated here on Dims. after all, communities live off their members stories - which can be informative, educational, inspiring, warning, etc. 

Yet every once in a while, a reality check as to whether those whose stories you're telling would really want would probably do more good than harm.


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## UserNameName (Feb 13, 2018)

*^^This^^*

Best post I've seen in my short time here.


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## fuelingfire (Feb 13, 2018)

agouderia said:


> I've followed this thread for a while from the perspective of a communication scientist with a mixture of amusement, irritation and also disbelief.
> 
> Because except in the reported incidents where people verbally addressed the issue, most of what we read here are overinterpretations, projections and misunderstandings.
> 
> ...



You are being vague with your first issue, which I would consider to be everything you wrote before you said, Which leads to the second issue Either vague or rambling. When people are not aware of an issue or problem, they probably wont notice signs of it. This applies to almost everything in life. Are you trying to say that you believe we are writing fiction in this thread? Or are you trying to say we should not want to have fat partners? 

For your second issue, I tell the majority of what I write on Dims, that is either note worthy or generated interesting responses to my girlfriend. I posted one picture of us kissing, after asking her if it is okay. That picture is not enough to identify either of us in real life. Are you aware of the website Reddit? Talking about personal issues with strangers is all the website is.

One of the biggest reasons I post at Dims is that I want other people out there to know that they are not alone. Sure Dims might not get a huge amount of traffic, but if someone was searching answers or people like themselves. People should go do what makes them happy.


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## FreeThinker (Feb 14, 2018)

As I read agouderia's post, I *think* her first point refers to our interpretations of other people's non-verbal interactions with us. In other words, what we may perceive as a "disapproving look" may not always be so, or it may not be related to being or accompanying a fat partner. 

Sometimes it is, certainly, but we don't know that that is always so. 


Just my take on it.


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## landshark (Feb 14, 2018)

FreeThinker said:


> As I read agouderia's post, I *think* her first point refers to our interpretations of other people's non-verbal interactions with us. In other words, what we may perceive as a "disapproving look" may not always be so, or it may not be related to being or accompanying a fat partner.
> 
> Sometimes it is, certainly, but we don't know that that is always so.
> 
> ...



I took her post the same way. Essentially shes warning against confirmation bias: we expect people to react to us a certain way and we condition ourselves to expect that reaction. Then anything a person says or does we take as proof our expectations. 

To a great extent everyone experiences confirmation bias in one way or another. I am sensitive to it with regard to the observations that prompted this thread, and share only a fraction of the experiences I witness. Not all of them are worthy of talking about and in some cases they may not even be what I thought they were. Im not sure if that will appease the concerns she laid out in her post, or if Im even on target with what shes getting at. Still, thats how I understood it and my own personal position on what I understand her concerns to be.

As for her second point, people can only answer for themselves. Ive actually asked my wife a few times to join Dims but forums like this arent really her thing. She shares the same types of things I share here, just in other outlets. A lot of the stuff I share here I wouldnt tell a close friend. Shes the exact opposite. We make it work and respect that we both need our respective outlets.


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## Tracii (Feb 14, 2018)

Its fine to work out and be healthy as it is fine to dress nicely.
"Wealthy" isn't a bad thing either so why bash HM for being a good steward with the money he earns Loves BHMS?
He has never given me the impression of boasting about anything like that.
People that complain about what others have worked hard for all their lives really need to stop being like that.


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 14, 2018)

Tracii said:


> Its fine to work out and be healthy as it is fine to dress nicely.
> "Wealthy" isn't a bad thing either so why bash HM for being a good steward with the money he earns Loves BHMS?
> He has never given me the impression of boasting about anything like that.
> People that complain about what others have worked hard for all their lives really need to stop being like that.



I wasn't bashing him for working out or for being wealthy. My point was there's no reason at all to continually mention those things. His posts, to me, have an element of superiority and ironically, fatphobia. He seems to take an incredible amount of pleasure at seeing others being amazed/shocked/astonished that someone that looks like him is with a 400 pound woman. It's one thing to say you like contrast in sizes, quite another to continually highlight how incredible you look and how socially desirable you are compared with your spouse. I believe he's a true FA, but he makes it clear he's hyper aware of how fat women are perceived negatively. You can be an FA and just say "for whatever reason this is my sexual orientation" without the hyper awareness that not everyone will get it. My discomfort with his posts is that it seems a HUGE part of his pleasure is derived from having people wonder why he's with her.


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## Tracii (Feb 14, 2018)

I'm not going to judge him for what he likes its not my place.


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## fuelingfire (Feb 15, 2018)

LoveBHMS said:


> My discomfort with his posts is that it seems a HUGE part of his pleasure is derived from having people wonder why he's with her.



As stated in this thread, http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2229463#post2229463 which is a reaction to this discussion. Your statement is inaccurate. It is unfortunate that you have come to that conclusion.


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## landshark (Feb 15, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> As stated in this thread, http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2229463#post2229463 which is a reaction to this discussion. Your statement is inaccurate. It is unfortunate that you have come to that conclusion.



I made the same point in that thread and Ill repeat it here:I dont like that people react the way they sometimes do. I am sometimes amused by it but overall I dont like it because of the underlying lower value placed on someone over body type. 

Im not entirely sure where lovesBHMS is drawing her conclusion, but I also recognize we all can see the same thing and react to it completely differently because we are all different. It would be easy to go point by point and counter her complaints but I imagine it would also be unproductive.

Suffice to say the observations Ive made and shared here stem from being baffled that as accepting as society claims to be these days it still struggles with size disparity in a relationship. People sometimes are not even subtle about it. Its consistent enough that its worth talking about. Not everyone will agree with that, but thats okay. I dont set out to intentionally offend anyone but if it happens as a byproduct of me simply sharing whats on my mind or some experiences Ive had/observed so be it.


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## agouderia (Feb 15, 2018)

As already written, my main point was I see too much FA bias in most of these "observations" of non-verbal perceived responses to a "SS/BBW+skinny dude" couple (to simplify matters). 

As a communication scientist, I wish I had the opportunity to survey the other party in the described events - get their side of the story. Because I am positive, most of them would be utterly baffled as to what is interpreted into their actions. 

Identifying as an FA and being assertive about your preferences is all good and well. But you will get a highly skewed version of reality if you interpret the world only through this lens.


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## fuelingfire (Feb 15, 2018)

agouderia said:


> As already written, my main point was I see too much FA bias in most of these "observations" of non-verbal perceived responses to a "SS/BBW+skinny dude" couple (to simplify matters).
> 
> As a communication scientist, I wish I had the opportunity to survey the other party in the described events - get their side of the story. Because I am positive, most of them would be utterly baffled as to what is interpreted into their actions.
> 
> Identifying as an FA and being assertive about your preferences is all good and well. But you will get a highly skewed version of reality if you interpret the world only through this lens.



Agouderia, would you be willing to generalize what you believe their interpretations of the events are then? I realize it's probably just guessing. But if you are saying most of them, I am assuming you have a theory.


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 16, 2018)

She's saying that for the most part, random strangers are not noticing you or expressing any reaction to a skinny man with a fat woman.


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## landshark (Feb 16, 2018)

agouderia said:


> As already written, my main point was I see too much FA bias in most of these "observations" of non-verbal perceived responses to a "SS/BBW+skinny dude" couple (to simplify matters).
> 
> As a communication scientist, I wish I had the opportunity to survey the other party in the described events - get their side of the story. Because I am positive, most of them would be utterly baffled as to what is interpreted into their actions.
> 
> Identifying as an FA and being assertive about your preferences is all good and well. But you will get a highly skewed version of reality if you interpret the world only through this lens.



I can definitely understand concern, even skepticism, due to bias. Ill just reiterate that I am acutely aware of it myself and actively guard against it. That doesnt mean Im not wrong from time to time, but I have to be very certain Im witnessing what I think Im witnessing before Ill post about it here.

Ill not contend this further though. Yours is a legitimate concern and even as I give my assurance of my own self awareness for bias you can do nothing but take my word for it. Id love it if you would but dont blame you if you dont.



LoveBHMS said:


> She's saying that for the most part, random strangers are not noticing you or expressing any reaction to a skinny man with a fat woman.



But that has been acknowledged in the very first post of this thread:



happily_married said:


> Most of the time people tend to go about their own business and don't seem to notice us. But sometimes people do and sometimes their reactions are visibly noticeable.



I stand by it. The vast majority of people go about their business and either dont notice us or if they do they show no sign of it. This thread isnt about those people. Its about the ones who do notice and give a reaction of some kind. Good or bad.


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## agouderia (Feb 17, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> Agouderia, would you be willing to generalize what you believe their interpretations of the events are then? I realize it's probably just guessing. But if you are saying most of them, I am assuming you have a theory.



I'll use the last story as an example - because after all it was the one that let the discussion take the spin into the legitimacy of and motives behind this discussion.



happily_married said:


> We were at a store yesterday and my wife drew some disapproving looks from a couple who looked to be in their early 30s. They were with some additional family members (their kids, and older couple, and maybe an adult sibling or something like that. Total a group of 9-10).
> 
> I wont get into all the details, just that as their group progress through the store the looks of contempt were consistent. I see this from time to time and dont always comment on it here because its fairly routine by now.
> 
> ...



This is a total case of projection - and the couple in question would most likely tell you a very different story.

Why?

First of all, the situation to start out with is totally unclear.
There is a group of people where the exact number of group members isn't even clear. They move through the store as a group. Not even the exact framework of the situation cannot be ascertained to 100%.

Now a couple in this larger group is supposed to single out a different, unknown couple - be annoyed by them, make rude gestures and give dirty looks over a longer period of time. All the while being and moving around with their group. And being fat themselves.

Please try to imagine the situation and tell me whether that is realistic. As somebody who has done group moderating and programs for several decades by now - this happening is highly unlikely.
In larger groups, the element of co-orientation is the overruling one - only massive interferences from outside are even registered. Everybody is way to busy keeping track of all group members. And if they were somehow annoyed by the FA/BBW couple - they would have called on the other group member to let them join in on their annoyance.

What most likely happened is some sort of problem, conflict within the group - and the couple reacted annoyed to this interference, maybe it was some issue with the wallet - but with 95% certainty not with some uninvolved outsiders.

We often have the discussion about FA perceptions of the world. And many of these show that FAs have a different perception of the - especially - female reality. Some even openly reject there is such a thing like reality - or try to explain it away. But that actually does the cause no favors.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 17, 2018)

I would laugh if it wasn't so fucking sad: this is one of the better threads here. Seriously.
I've grown bored as fuck with this place most of the time. Yeah, let's over analyze it to death. Cuz, you know, he's not writing shit to masturbate to or talking about ways to make his belly blow up. 

Of all the shit to complain about, I find HM posts not so bad. He tries to have REAL conversations about issues that are important to SOME here. Not everyone comes here to finger fuck themselves.


Jeez.

ETA: I like fucking skinny guys myself. If you don't then so be it. No need to attempt to bash them. He's not here trying to e-fuck fat girls on the down low while he's got a skinny wife. Holy fuck


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## FreeThinker (Feb 17, 2018)

The thread is called 'Reactions And Observations From A "Mismatched" Couple'. 

'From', not 'Towards'. 

This story recounts the reactions and observations _from_ such a couple, so I see the story as legitimate. 

Of course, 'reactions and observations' can be interpreted as 'opinions', which could be different when viewed from another perspective. 

Nobody's wrong here.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 18, 2018)

FreeThinker said:


> The thread is called 'Reactions And Observations From A "Mismatched" Couple'.
> 
> 'From', not 'Towards'.
> 
> ...



Andrew, I don't like it when you try to be nice and logical. Stop it  :kiss2:


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## FreeThinker (Feb 18, 2018)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ...I don't like it when you try to be nice and logical. Stop it  :kiss2:



*pouting * Oh, okaaay...

*scuffs toe of shoe dejectedly in the dirt*

Umm...about that *ahem* 'skinny guy' thing you mentioned...


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## TwoSwords (Feb 19, 2018)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yeah, let's over analyze it to death.



I would, but there's not enough to analyze.

I have no strong evidence of what Happily's motives are or are not. I have no strong evidence that his life is/is not like what he writes about, and I have no strong evidence that any of the people he talks about are really feeling the way he thinks they are. In short, there just isn't enough data.

"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. It biases the judgment."
-Sherlock Holmes-

As for whether Happily himself has done this, it does seem like his stories indicate a person who expects bad things to happen of a specific type, and interprets social faux pas as indications of those bad things from time to time, but again, I have no proof of this.


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## landshark (Feb 19, 2018)

TwoSwords said:


> I would, but there's not enough to analyze.



I think the tone of her comment was lost on you. 



TwoSwords said:


> *I have no strong evidence of what Happily's motives are or are not*. I have no strong evidence that his life is/is not like what he writes about, and I have no strong evidence that any of the people he talks about are really feeling the way he thinks they are. In short, there just isn't enough data.
> 
> "It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. It biases the judgment."
> -Sherlock Holmes-



Yes you do. It was in the first post of this thread:



happily_married said:


> I'm curious to hear what your experiences are. What kinds of reactions do people have toward you when you're with your partner or if you're a plus size man or woman, you directly. It can be positive or negative, and hopefully there's a lot of the former! But there will probably be some of the latter and in those cases I'd be curious to know how you responded too.
> 
> I welcome your experiences and/or general thoughts.



The idea here is to just have discussion and share our experiences. Whether you choose to believe or not believe these experiences actually happen is of no consequence to me whatsoever. 



TwoSwords said:


> As for whether Happily himself has done this, it does seem like his stories indicate a person who expects bad things to happen of a specific type, and interprets social faux pas as indications of those bad things from time to time, but again, I have no proof of this.



As Ive said a few times now, I only actually post the stuff I consider significant. If you think about all the daily interactions people have with each other just as they go about their daily lives, the stuff I have posted here is really just a small fraction of a fraction of daily/weekly and recurring life. Its not that I expect this stuff to happen so much as when it does I choose to comment about about it. 

As for interpreting a social faux pas or projecting (to use the term above) I will say again: I only post the most obvious stuff Ive seen/witnessed. One would have to be socially inept or or even socially illiterate to miss the cues, verbal or nonverbal, that Ive witnessed over the years.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 19, 2018)

happily_married said:


> I think the tone of her comment was lost on you.



It's text. It has no tone.



happily_married said:


> Yes you do. It was in the first post of this thread:



I meant specifically in terms of determining which side of this recent argument is right. I don't have significant evidence one way vs the other, and am therefore withholding judgment.



happily_married said:


> The idea here is to just have discussion and share our experiences. Whether you choose to believe or not believe these experiences actually happen is of no consequence to me whatsoever.



Believe it or not, I honestly don't care whether these stories are true or not either, and I don't usually feel that way.



happily_married said:


> As Ive said a few times now, I only actually post the stuff I consider significant. If you think about all the daily interactions people have with each other just as they go about their daily lives, the stuff I have posted here is really just a small fraction of a fraction of daily/weekly and recurring life. Its not that I expect this stuff to happen so much as when it does I choose to comment about about it.
> 
> As for interpreting a social faux pas or projecting (to use the term above) I will say again: I only post the most obvious stuff Ive seen/witnessed. One would have to be socially inept or or even socially illiterate to miss the cues, verbal or nonverbal, that Ive witnessed over the years.



Yup. That sounds like a pretty good description of the entire history of my life.


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## landshark (Nov 12, 2019)

Yesterday I was out at lunch with my wife. When we got up to leave she stepped away from our table toward the door but I paused to allow a table busser to pass by. So she was a few steps ahead of me when I started toward the door. As she passed a row of high top tables, a bleach blonde haired woman of about 40 stood up and walked in my direction. She was pretty skinny, but not an unhealthy skinny. Pretty stylish too. 

Anyway as she and my wife passed each other she turned and checked out my wife’s big ass for a few seconds before turning back toward the direction she was going. She noticed me noticing her and she smiled and winked.

I don’t know if she was just amused I caught her scoping out another woman’s ass or if she knew it was my wife she had just checked out. She would have been able to see us sitting together from where she was.

When we got outside I told my wife “that woman checked you out!” She laughed and said, “I almost did the same to her!”


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## extra_m13 (Nov 12, 2019)

from a mismatched couple it will be. my wife is really aware of her figure and while constantly claims wanting to lose weight fortunately all her efforts have backfired. she has mentioned that she is so fat in comparison to me, that we make a 10 couple, or at least that is how we may look from afar, now that we are separated i hope she is stress eating so if i see her again she is fatter


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## gluttonfan (Nov 14, 2019)

happily_married said:


> I've been mulling this over for a few months now. I think it's discussion worthy here on Dims, but I've struggled to find the right way to present it. Until now.
> 
> Your couple relationship is marvelous
> 
> ...


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## John Smith (Nov 14, 2019)

Lol, what does that even means, "mischatched couples" in that said context??


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## landshark (Nov 15, 2019)

John Smith said:


> Lol, what does that even means, "mischatched couples" in that said context??



The use of quotes is a nod to the mainstream norms that people have “leagues” and generally date within their league. Furthermore it’s a nod to the notion that fat women are not as valued by mainstream society and still experience a lot of discrimination and prejudice even as we’ve taken to accepting literally everything else around us. Hence their “league” is “lower” and if they’re dating someone perceived to be above it’s a mismatch.

Again, use of quotes is significant because it’s not the way I personally feel so much as my observation of how our culture treats this.


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## John Smith (Nov 15, 2019)

happily_married said:


> The use of quotes is a nod to the mainstream norms that people have “leagues” and generally date within their league. Furthermore it’s a nod to the notion that fat women are not as valued by mainstream society and still experience a lot of discrimination and prejudice even as we’ve taken to accepting literally everything else around us. Hence their “league” is “lower” and if they’re dating someone perceived to be above it’s a mismatch.
> 
> Again, use of quotes is significant because it’s not the way I personally feel so much as my observation of how our culture treats this.




That's preposterous...


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 15, 2019)

John Smith said:


> That's preposterous...


What is? The notion that a man may consider it doing me a favor to date/be seen with me? Oh that is all too real for when it comes to some of the men I have known...
That's what I've always taken this thread to be about. Attitudes....and how people are silly enough to believe that others don't know their "secret" thoughts/feelings. The quotes are mockery...and not of his wife.


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## landshark (Nov 15, 2019)

John Smith said:


> That's preposterous...



What is? 

1) my assessment of cultural values or 

2) the cultural values themselves?



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> What is? The notion that a man may consider it doing me a favor to date/be seen with me? Oh that is all too real for when it comes to some of the men I have known...
> That's what I've always taken this thread to be about. Attitudes....and how people are silly enough to believe that others don't know their "secret" thoughts/feelings. The quotes are mockery...and not of his wife.



Exactly. The whole premise of this thread is the idea of values and attitudes toward a class of people and how they react when they see someone defy those values.


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## John Smith (Nov 16, 2019)

No. My point was that I've found these size-biased prejudices preposterous.


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## luckyfa (Jul 13, 2021)

landshark said:


> but that fat women have preferences too and some of them prefer a fit partner



That‘s the point: That’s why assuming that fat women should date fat men and vice versa is highly condescending. Almost sounds like incest to me. 

Where does this assumption come from? Just a few ideas…

1. If the man is fit and the woman fat, people might wonder if the man didn‘t find a partner that seems to be a better match. Something has to be wrong with him or else he wouldn‘t date a fat woman.
2. People (especially other women, fit or fat) might be envious of that fat woman who managed to find a partner that corresponds to their ideal of physical beauty. Maybe they think they don‘t deserve a fit partner.
3. They‘re only judging from outward appearance.
4. They can‘t imagine that a huge weight difference and hugely different body shapes between partners add excitement to a relationship and offer the opportunity to play with these differences
5. They don’t seem to realize that sexual intercourse becomes difficult when both partners are fat. There was a time a couple of years ago when I was about 45 lbs heavier than today. She didn‘t like the belly I had back then and she wasn‘t sexually as satisfied as she used to be because our bellies got in their way. She said, “Someone of us has to lose weight and I am not going to be that person.“ As I didn‘t want her to lose weight anyway, I happily complied.

As far as my relationship is concerned, my wife‘s BMI is more than 20 points greater than mine (almost double). I am lean and athletic while she has a body fat ratio greater than 52%. I am a fat admirer and my wife prefers lean and athletic men. Aren‘t we a heavenly match?

Am I supposed to date fat women or should I date lean and athletic ones although I am not attracted to them? Who‘s going to decide? Is she supposed to date fat men although she‘s not attracted to them or is she allowed to marry someone according to her preference? Who‘s going to decide?

Interestingly, at the beginning of our relationship, when we weighed about the same, or a year later, after she had gained a mere 20-30 lbs, some people deemed her „too fat“ for me. No one ever said anything when our weight difference increased as she got fatter (130 lbs of weight gain in the course of our relationship). The fatter she got, the more normal we appeared to people, it seems. Or they didn‘t dare say anything, who knows.


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## extra_m13 (Jul 13, 2021)

well, there are some thing to comment. it happens. and people can be morons and waste their time making comments that are absolutely not good or useful about other people or couples for that matter. in my case, it depends on how the difference is seen from outside or what they are doing as well. for example, i have 35cm on my wife, and despite that difference at this she may be weighing more than me. that is very hot for me when i think about it, and some comments are due to come from time to time, i can only reassure her by saying that i am proud of being seen with ther and that she is the hot one in the relationship ,which i do think, and will give her some peace and let her enjoy a big burger happily,


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## FatBarbieDoll (Jul 13, 2021)

Also, many people think it’s highly hypocritical for a large woman to want/prefer a fit partner. I recall an old video on YouTube by Dankii Doll about her preference for fit guys — she said she tried to date fat guys and it wasn’t for her — and boy, oh, boy did she get raked through the fiery hot coals.

She didn’t say she was self-entitled to or deserved a fit guy, only that one is her preference. There is a relatively popular meme about this so-called “hypocrisy” I’ve seen on Reddit that uses a plastic bag full of dirt and it’s shaped as the upper body of a large woman. It basically is about women who want fit men when they “look like that.”

I, personally, worry that I am not worthy of a partner I am physically attracted to and it hurts. It seems that the men who pursue me the most are not my idea of appealing. The logic is that I must be aiming too high and have to go for someone in my league — “looksmatch”, they call it.


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## tonynyc (Jul 13, 2021)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> I, personally, worry that I am not worthy of a partner I am physically attracted to and it hurts. It seems that the men who pursue me the most are not my idea of appealing. The logic is that I must be aiming too high and have to go for someone in my league — “looksmatch”, they call it.



*At the end of the day is having someone that is attracted to you and values you; nothing wrong about what you seek in an ideal mate and what you are willing or not willing to make compromises for.*


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## luckyfa (Jul 14, 2021)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> aiming too high



But why do you think you‘re „aiming too high“ if and when you pursue your preferences? Am I aiming „too low“ because I am a lean and fit guy and my wife‘s fat?

In addition to that, it‘s not about being in a particular „league“, whatever that might be.


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## mathfa (Jul 14, 2021)

I think in general focusing on "leagues" and "looksmatch" and all that is counterproductive. There's a whole bunch of societal BS about dating, but in the end it's about finding someone you connect with, both physically and mentally. Going for people who aren't what you want will never end well.


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