# Ladies< How does a man....



## Surfer (Jun 20, 2010)

make you believe that one of the things he likes about you is your size? I mean when I was in the dating world years ago, and now that I have been thrust in it again, women can't believe I find them sexy and cute when they are SSBBW/BBW. I mean they think I am kidding with them or joking. It is really hard to make them understand that some guys like their women that size. Any suggestions? 
Thank-you for your help, just trying to put all this together as I have been striking out!

Surfer


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## verucassault (Jun 20, 2010)

well I dont really doubt when men tell me they find me attractive, including my size, because I am, well... attractive LOL. 

I do however find it curious, because I know presenting a larger woman as your partner comes with some challenges. So I ask questions about their comfort level, and if they were always confident about their preferences. I want to know if its an exclusive preference or are they bi-sizual. I want to know if it was something they always liked or something they just dabbled in and discovered its appeal. I want to know if they have a desire to fatten me up or can I just relax and be me haha. I tend to discuss loads with people in general and especially someone I plan on sharing my body with

I think in general many women of any size tend to be skeptical of men, there are so many unrealistic standards placed on women, and if you are led to believe that no one likes your flaw, you start questioning people that have not bought into the hype.


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## Tracii (Jun 20, 2010)

Just be yourself and tell her you find her very attractive for who she is


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## Surfer (Jun 20, 2010)

Tracii, I have tried that and think I am kidding with them and not serious. I mean I even take them out in public and not hide them, like some do that I have read about.

Surfer


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## CarlaSixx (Jun 20, 2010)

Don't make a big deal about her size all the time and she will learn to believe you. If you don't comment on her size all the time and don't make it a priority to be noticed, she will begin to believe that you like her for everything hsecis, including her size.


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## Surfer (Jun 20, 2010)

Carla, I don't even bring up size. They just think I can't be serious to even ask them out. It is really weird.

Surfer


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## CarlaSixx (Jun 20, 2010)

If they can't believe you're serious, you can find someone else who will accept to go out with you. If they don't believe you really mean to ask them out, it isn't your problem but rather their own issues they need to work out. Someone will eventually take up your offer for a date, and that's when you don't have to make a big deal about their size to get them to know you like them even for their size.


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## mossystate (Jun 20, 2010)

You might not have meant it this way, but never...ever...think you are doing a fat woman a favor by being seen with them in public, or that you should get kudos. Women do pick up on such things, and it is not appreciated.

Just a little FYI.


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## Surfer (Jun 20, 2010)

Mossy, yes I know that! that is why I try to not bring up size.

Carla, you may be very right.


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## mossystate (Jun 20, 2010)

" _I mean I even take them out in public ..._ "

That's what I was talking about. It just smelled a bit like you think you are a great guy for being seen in public with them, because some men won't. Some things are not about the other person and how they feel about themselves.


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## Surfer (Jun 20, 2010)

No, that was not the intent. The intenet was that I am not a closet FA, I do normal things. I am sorry you took it that way. I am sorry.

Surfer


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## Fallenangel2904 (Jun 20, 2010)

I understand how it can be hard for some woman to understand someone being attracted to them if they are not part of the BBW community. I've seen it a lot. I think its just from years of being rejected or even made fun of by assholes. Before I found the SA community when I was in my teens (I thank God I found it so early in life...), I honestly didn't even know there was a preference for larger women, so I can understand it. 

Best advice I have is be serious with her. Don't make it seem JUST about her size right off the bat though. Approach her as you would anyone when trying to flirt, but if she questions why you finds her attractive, and if SHE brings up her weight as an issue then I would just state the fact that you like bigger woman, that you find her very attractive, and would like the opportunity to know her better or take her out- what ever. I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes and say what I think would help me understand. Best of luck!


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## LovelyLiz (Jun 20, 2010)

Just tell her you find her beautiful in general, like you would any woman. And I agree with other posters that say you should both like her for reasons unrelated to her fatness, and tell her those reasons.

Then let your hands do even more of the communicating about how much you like all the ripples and contours of her body. 

I think it can be done nicely in a pillow talk sort of way. Like after she's maybe been on top of you, you can talk about how you enjoy feeling her big, soft body pushing down on you, etc. or whatever the case may be. Or just seeing her naked and saying how beautiful she is.

I can't say it's that much different from how my thin friends like to feel they are attractive to a guy, just the body shape and size is different.


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## sarie (Jun 20, 2010)

I was that girl a year ago. well truth be told, i've still got a lot of her in me, so I can understand both how the girls you speak of feel, and how frustrating it must be for you (constant reassurance can be exhausting)! I couldn't wrap my head around a man finding me aesthetically pleasing. almost every guy that would speak to me, I just assumed that he was mocking my existence. finally I just accepted that people may be dicks, but a lot of people are great. if someone has ill intentions or negative ulterior motives, they will have to deal with that themselves; all I can do is be myself and give them the benefit of the doubt. /tangent

the aforementioned advice is on point. if a woman just won't accept that you find her attractive, then that is an issue that only she can conquer; you can only do so much. it sounds like you are approaching these situations respectfully/correctly in general. don't give up!


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## wolfpersona (Jun 20, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Tracii, I have tried that and think I am kidding with them and not serious. I mean I even take them out in public and not hide them, like some do that I have read about.
> 
> Surfer



If a guy did that why would a woman go out with him? You see it sometimes, but why should a woman be treated any less. A woman who would let her man hide her has low self esteem.


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## chicken legs (Jun 21, 2010)

Surfer said:


> make you believe that one of the things he likes about you is your size?
> 
> Surfer




Time will tell her that you really do like her size. I've been with Escapist for almost 2 years and he is still getting used to me loving his size and all that comes with it ...without me complaining about it. The cool result is he has become a lot more playful and open to my help and affection.


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## Your Plump Princess (Jun 21, 2010)

_Downplay_ That you like her size, until you and her have a familiarity between you. Also, always remember to be tasteful how you word it. -Nod-




_I for one, am always suscipicious.
But I think that has to do with the fact that all through school and highschool and even a year or so after, in public [/strangers] would come up to me, teasingly saying they found me hot, or their friend wanted to go out with me, ect. Just to see if they could get my hopes up and crush them.
I Never let them, mind you. But I knew. [Body language, tone of voice, ect.]

So I'll admit, I am totally suspicious and believe there are alterior motives until proven otherwise._


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## FatAndProud (Jun 21, 2010)

Say, "If you don't believe me, can I take you out on a date? You can continue your disbelief...because I think you are damn fine, and I will enjoy the evening with you, regardless"


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## supersizebbw (Jun 21, 2010)

Your Plump Princess said:


> _Downplay_ That you like her size,


THIS!

Most of the men who approach me will have an opening line like "i'm into big girls" and that makes me cringe and i find it a real turnoff. At the end of the day i just want a guy to like me for who i am and not just my size


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## bigmac (Jun 22, 2010)

Surfer said:


> make you believe that one of the things he likes about you is your size? I mean when I was in the dating world years ago, and now that I have been thrust in it again, women can't believe I find them sexy and cute when they are SSBBW/BBW. I mean they think I am kidding with them or joking. It is really hard to make them understand that some guys like their women that size. Any suggestions?
> Thank-you for your help, just trying to put all this together as I have been striking out!
> 
> Surfer



When I was dating I got this reaction also -- many times. I even had one BBW accuse me of chasing fat girls because they were in her words "easy prey" -- it took a while but I convinced her otherwise (but she still hated her body).

I hate to say this but its been my experience that women who have internalized this _"why would anyone want me"_ attitude are quite resistant to change. None of my relationships with women who thought this way lasted. On the bright side, my wife has told me that she used to think no one would want her because she was so fat. However, she never exhibited the trait in my presence. I don't think she ever really internalized that idea. Maybe this is something women have to workout themselves before they can be receptive to a relationship?


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## dorkasarusrex (Jun 23, 2010)

bigmac said:


> I even had one BBW accuse me of chasing fat girls because they were in her words "easy prey"
> 
> ... Maybe this is something women have to workout themselves before they can be receptive to a relationship?



I think that bigmac has hit it on the head. 

I'm not gonna lie, when I first entered into the bar scene I hated being the girl that was hit on after the beer goggles set in because men thought I would be grateful they wanted to take me home so I could watch them fall asleep after failing to please me. 

Someone said that the bigger you are, the more baggage you tend to carry and that is true for me. As some other BBW's have said here, the more you put her size on front street, the more she's going to resist and assume you are false in your attentions. 

I still have second and third and fourth thoughts when someone hits on me because I'm wondering "Oh jeez, does he think I'm easy? Does he think I'm a grateful type? Does he think he can move in and i'll support him because I'm fat?". 

The only reason why I'm with my s/o now is because he never commented on my size while we were dating. He's a big man himself so I think he understands where I come which helps us a lot. And as big mac said - being able to accept that there is someone out there that will find us attractive for just us - not for anything else, but just US, the person, the complete package - is something all of us have to come to terms with in our own time. 

If you truly care for her, just relax and enjoy her - make sure she knows you pay attention to the other things she talks about. If she mentions a comic strip she likes, purchase her a book collection of it. You KNOW she is in LOVE with that musical artist and doesn't have the one CD, or she lost it, or it's just too scratched - get her a copy of it. Maybe you see her reading a book, look up the author and see if there's a sequal out there and pick that up. These things will indicate that you are really focused on her personality and not just her fantastic rear. 

Big girls are more confident when we know you just aren't looking to tag and bag us. 

If you want her to be more comfortable with her own body then listen for the hints she'll drop - "Oh, I just can't do anything with my hair! I am really considering getting it cut" is a cue for a certificate for a nice salon visit to get a new look; "I totally ran out of this eyeliner/lipstick/whatever" is a great open to maybe take her by the Mac or Sephora store to get a free make-up job done and pick up a replacement liner while you're at it. If she sees bath and body works lotion as a spurge item, get her a gift card so she can get a new scent.

The important thing is that you let HER take the lead - she'll start to embrace her body eventually, once she knows you aren't going to run when you *gasp* realize that she's a big girl. =)


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## Filly (Jun 27, 2010)

Surfer said:


> make you believe that one of the things he likes about you is your size? I mean when I was in the dating world years ago, and now that I have been thrust in it again, women can't believe I find them sexy and cute when they are SSBBW/BBW. I mean they think I am kidding with them or joking. It is really hard to make them understand that some guys like their women that size. Any suggestions?
> Thank-you for your help, just trying to put all this together as I have been striking out!
> 
> Surfer



Tough situation, Surfer. I would hazard a guess that many of the other men on these boards have faces similar hurdles. 

In all honesty, I don't think there _is_ any one magic thing that will make the women you approach feel that you are genuine. 

I think it also depends on the circumstances in which you meet these women. For instance, if you're in a night-club and everyone is half drunk, then it might be harder for a girl to accept that you're into her for more than just a quick shag (or worse, that it's a joke). The approach has to change slightly depending on the environment etc. 

And like some others here have said, everyone carries their own baggage around with them as a result of previous experiences. So in some instances, it _could_ just be a matter of the girl having low self-confidence and is not ready to put herself out there just yet. 

For me, I like it when a guy will occasionally touch my shoulder when talking to me; lean in and talk quietly in my ear; introduce me to friends who are at the bar with him etc; and believe it or not... actually be interested in what I have to say!  All pretty basic stuff! Flirting 101.

Yep, I realise that I have offered no real help in my response, but I think it's just a matter of keep on keeping on, and keep trying until you succeed. 

Good luck!


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## Theresa48 (Jun 27, 2010)

Don't tell her with words, tell her with actions. An accepting, appreciative gaze, taking her hand in public, seeking to make her comfortable where ever you take her...considering ahead of time possible seating conflicts, etc. and taking care of them quietly with no fanfare...can go a long way in helping her to understand it is her, the total package that you care about...not just her size. You can also let her know with size-accepting remarks about others...just don't be too obvious about it. I agree with a previous poster, you can't make someone believe in something they don't believe in...if they do not perceive themselves as attractive, it makes it more difficult for you. So, be persistent if you think she is worth the time and work. Slowly, you can (hopefully) turn her opinion about herself around but it won't be easy and it will take time. Good luck!


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## missy_blue_eyez (Jun 27, 2010)

bigmac said:


> When I was dating I got this reaction also -- many times. I even had one BBW accuse me of chasing fat girls because they were in her words "easy prey" -- it took a while but I convinced her otherwise (but she still hated her body).
> 
> Maybe this is something women have to workout themselves before they can be receptive to a relationship?



Agreed with the above also....its that age old sayin' 'you gotta love yourself before anyone else can really love you'

I used to be one of those self deprecating fat girls who would just never believe It if someone told me they were interested in me, and Id be constantly questioning what their alterior motive was.....it wasnt until I started embarking on the size acceptance community and realising that there was a whole world of people out there who were very much interested in me and how I looked that I began to start changing my attitude towards others and my attitude about myself......

Its a tough call Surfer, you can be as persistant as you like but until those women start finding it in themselves to like who they are, its going to be very difficult in the mean time for you to be allowed to like them how they are.....


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## Your Plump Princess (Jun 28, 2010)

supersizebbw said:


> THIS!
> 
> Most of the men who approach me will have an opening line like "i'm into big girls" and that makes me cringe and i find it a real turnoff. At the end of the day i just want a guy to like me for who i am and not just my size


Well yeah.
Because then it makes it seems that's all you are to them. A Fat Girl. 


It's like someone going up to a person of a certain ethnicity, say white?
And going "Oh, your paleness lights up the room, your so gorgeous"

Most likely, said person would be going ".....WTF, Creep! "


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## NYCGabriel (Jun 28, 2010)

I don't focus on the woman's weight. What draws me in are their personalities, how their eyes look when they smile, things they say, their interests and the like. Beauty is on many levels goddamnit. 

I never quite understood how some men & women are always like "Wow, I love how big you are! You're so beautiful!" or "If only you weighed more and/or ate more, you'd be perfect for me." 

bla bla bla FREAKING bla. 

What, if they were weighed less they wouldn't be attracted to them? I find women of almost any weight range attractive provided there's something of substance in them. Humor, wit, life and compassion.


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## Bron82 (Jun 29, 2010)

I hate to admit it, but I have totally been "that" girl. I hope this will give you a little insight on what you're possibly up against...

For me, it is all in how the guy approaches me: his body language, what he says and how he says it. THAT determines how I will react. 

I also agree with the previous posters who commented on not bringing up her size. I am creeped out when guys make comments to the effect of "big girls are my thing." But, I would argue that it doesn't have anything to do with the forwardness of that comment, so much as the fact that it is objectifying. No self-respecting woman, skinny or fat, wants or likes to be objectified. We don't mind be desired, but if the only thing you like about us is our body, then nothing you say can ever be taken as a "compliment."

For instance, while I am both smart and sexy, the last guy that tried telling me that as a pick up line left mad because I refused to give him my phone number. 

The best approach would be cool, casual, and friendly. I'm big on personality. Looks are good, but I would much rather be with someone who can carry a conversation and can make me laugh. If a gentleman approached me like that, engaged me in a good conversation with a few laughs, and made it apparent that I was his focus - me, not my body - I would go out with him in a heartbeat. 

If you've tried that, but she still has a chip on her shoulder or thinks you have ulterior motives, and are trying to make her the butt of a joke, then she's the one with the problem. 

It's unfortunate that a lot of us (larger gals and guys) don't get the positive reinforcement that we need to be comfortable in our own skin. Very little in life is positive for people of size, and there are many of us who have been so brow-beaten by family, friends, or society, that we believe the lies and propaganda. We are told that we are worthless and unlovable so much and for so long that we eventually buy into it; and like the fable about the lion with the thorn in it's paw we refuse to allow anybody to get close enough to try to get it out. The thing we want the most, is the thing we fight the hardest - all under the misguided, though well intentioned notion of self-preservation. (Wow, that got kinda deep and philosophical.. Sorry. Back on point...)

Don't give up. I know it's frustrating, but there is a lady out there for you. Good guys are a rare commodity these days, and if you are truly one, then you won't be on the market long.


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## Surfer (Jul 13, 2010)

Thank-you all! You all have provided me some great tips, that I can really use.

Surfer


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## October (Jul 26, 2010)

So you have an intense attraction to fat women, right? When you meet one, instead of confusing lust for love, try to get your heart rate under control and use your intuition to feel the situation out. What sort of cues are you getting from her? Is she loud? Quiet? Modest? Insecure? Bubbly? Try to look in her eyes and find out who she is. Ask her questions about her. Do NOT say anything about her size. By keeping quiet about your attraction to her size you will create a much more intense sexual experience in the future. 

Any woman who will let herself be objectified is typically not great relationship material. Sure, it can be fun for a few years but eventually the passion will fade. Think of a foundation built on sand... you want a foundation of stone.

Also, look inside yourself and be honest... are you relationship material? Have you taken responsibility for attitudes and behaviors that may not be conducive to an honest and fulfilling relationship? Do you have baggage that needs to be dealt with out in the open? I am talking to you as much as to myself but honestly, Surfer... if you're goal is to find a marriage partner please be careful and tread lightly. You sound kind of disorganized in your approach.


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