# Not sure how to handle this



## Musicman560 (May 12, 2013)

Not really sure where to begin but I should probably start off by saying that i'm a closet FA and the problem I have is that I feel like everyone will just come down hard on me if I reveal my preference. I already know that my parents do not like my preference in women. My first gf was around 300lbs and when I showed them a picture of her to my parents all they could talk about was her weight, which I obviously didnt enjoy so after that I tried to avoid the topic. Recently I just met this girl that im interested in dating, but she is way bigger than my previous gf which I like but at the same time, I can't stop imagining what friends and family would say if they ever meet her. So im very connflicted right now over what to do. I want to go out with her but at the same time I don't want her to get hurt because of my friends and family. And I also don't want to put my preference out there cause I know there viewpoints on me will change and who knows what will happen cause of that. So, im just looking for some advice on this.


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## loopytheone (May 12, 2013)

Okay, first off I can totally empathise with the whole family issue. I am with a gorgeous BHM of around 400lbs and all my mother can talk about is his size. Which I find deeply annoying but at the end of the day it is her with the problem and her insecurities that lead her to this behaviour so I feel sorry for her more than anything. 

That said, you can not stay a closeted FA and expect to ever have a successful relationship with a larger woman. You just can't. I don't mean to be cruel but that is a fact. Put yourself in a BBW's shoes and imagine how that feels. You have to deal with the stupid opinions of strangers, societies huge emphasis on being slim to be pretty and accepted and a larger BBW is going to have to cope with things such as not fitting comfortably in seats, being unable to go to certain places like an amusement park because they don't fit on the rides etc etc. BBW are awesome and plenty of them are strong, confident ladies but they still have to deal with all this negative attention. Then imagine that you meet a young gentleman and he is a lovely man and you get close to him. Over time you realise that you have never met his parents, never met his friends. You ask to see them and you never have. He just comes up with more and more excuses as to why you can't and then you realise that he never takes you out in public places either and you realise he is ashamed of you. How would that make you feel? Nobody can live in a relationship like that, it isn't healthy at all and unless you want to ruin a ladies self esteem you will stay away from relationships until you are adult and mature enough to realise that nobody else has any say in your private and personal business. Nobody deserves the damage of going out with a person who is supposed to love and care for them but is obviously ashamed of them. You will either get dumped as soon as she finds out or it will eat away all her confidence or, most likely, both. 

tldr: Stay away from the BBW until you are mature and man enough to understand that people who will judge either you or your partner are meaningless to you. Nobody wants to date a closet FA because it is soul destroying, no exceptions.


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## Dansinfool (May 12, 2013)

Hey Musicman560.....My advise to you would be stop worrying about making 
everyone else happy and make yourself and your girlfriend happy.
To focus on what other people think about you and her is a waste of time.
life is to short to be unhappy.This is where you have to man up and believe in your self. Who cares what other people think.That's there problem not yours.
People who you call friends...If they are your friends they will accept your choices in life and not judge you or anyone your with.If they do they are not your friends.
As for your family..... they to will have to accept your choices. You can't live your life for everyone else. In the end you will be very unhappy.
I know this is not easy for you but you must believe in yourself.
I have walked in your shoes before.The only difference is that I was never in the " closet " about who I am and what I like.
I would never want to hide a person I love or care about from anyone.
You shouldn't either. It wont be fair to your partner, girlfriend or wife someday. So, until you can handle and deal with society and your family don't be involved in a relationship with someone you are going to hide out.
You have to do some soul searching and decide on what you really want in life and what will make you happiest.
Live your life for everyone else or live your life for you and be happy?
I chose to be happy.There is no compromise here.......Period !
Good luck in what ever you decide to do.


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 12, 2013)

I can certainly sympathize with your plight: both my parents would have preferred me to date a psychopathic junkie rather than a fat girl. Ultimately the situation comes down to your degree of independence. If you're financially dependent on your parents, you' ll have to toe the line and date whomever they choose for you. If you're self-supporting, you couldn't do better than follow the excellent advice offered by loopy and dansinfool. As to getting flack from your friends ... well, friends come and go. And anyone who doesn't respect you enough to accept your preferences and be courteous to your lady isn't your friend and needs to go ... right away.


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## biggernbetter (May 12, 2013)

I can empathize with your situation. I have always preferred fat women. But when I was a young man I bowed to perceived peer pressures and kept my preference hidden. I placed a great deal of importance on what people thought of me. Over the years I've grown a lot more comfortable with myself and figured out that 'peer pressures' are mostly self-imposed.

Today I have no problem showing or telling anyone that I prefer fat women. Anyone who thinks less of me as a result isn't worth worrying about and never was. Great advice from others who responded to your thread! Best of luck to you and your gf.


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## AuntHen (May 12, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> Okay, first off I can totally empathise with the whole family issue. I am with a gorgeous BHM of around 400lbs and all my mother can talk about is his size. Which I find deeply annoying but at the end of the day it is her with the problem and her insecurities that lead her to this behaviour so I feel sorry for her more than anything.
> 
> That said, you can not stay a closeted FA and expect to ever have a successful relationship with a larger woman. You just can't. I don't mean to be cruel but that is a fact. Put yourself in a BBW's shoes and imagine how that feels. You have to deal with the stupid opinions of strangers, societies huge emphasis on being slim to be pretty and accepted and a larger BBW is going to have to cope with things such as not fitting comfortably in seats, being unable to go to certain places like an amusement park because they don't fit on the rides etc etc. BBW are awesome and plenty of them are strong, confident ladies but they still have to deal with all this negative attention. Then imagine that you meet a young gentleman and he is a lovely man and you get close to him. Over time you realise that you have never met his parents, never met his friends. You ask to see them and you never have. He just comes up with more and more excuses as to why you can't and then you realise that he never takes you out in public places either and you realise he is ashamed of you. How would that make you feel? Nobody can live in a relationship like that, it isn't healthy at all and unless you want to ruin a ladies self esteem you will stay away from relationships until you are adult and mature enough to realise that nobody else has any say in your private and personal business. Nobody deserves the damage of going out with a person who is supposed to love and care for them but is obviously ashamed of them. You will either get dumped as soon as she finds out or it will eat away all her confidence or, most likely, both.
> 
> tldr: Stay away from the BBW until you are mature and man enough to understand that people who will judge either you or your partner are meaningless to you. Nobody wants to date a closet FA because it is soul destroying, no exceptions.




will someone please rep her for me?!? well said!


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## wrestlingguy (May 12, 2013)

I haven't posted here in a while, but your "issue" prompted me to write.

Interracial dating was considered taboo 50-60 years ago, and look at how commonplace it is today. Even during those times, there were men & women who felt strongly enough about their potential partner that they flew in the face of the bigoted parents, relatives and "friends" in an effort to find happiness.

Those who did were ahead of their time. So are you. Go for it, and you'll be considered one of the pioneers in FA dom. 






Also, if this girl is really special, your parents will end up liking her anyway. They all play a tough game, and then will act all nice to her face when she's around you. Cute girls are cute girls, and she'll likely win them over anyway. Plus, your good friends won't give a damn who you date, as long as you're happy, and the ones who give you grief aren't worth having as friends anyway.


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## Musicman560 (May 13, 2013)

Thank you all for the replies. Normally I don't post on the forums but this has been troubling me for the last week. I have no problem hanging out with bbw's out in public its mainly the whole family issue thats killing me cause they didn't like my "bbw" girlfriend and now I might start seeing someone I would consider to be a "ssbbw." I see what I have to do now but I'm sure it won't be easy. Just got to man up when the time is right. Once again thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.


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## Tad (May 13, 2013)

One tip: don't show your parents a picture of her. If you have to talk about her before they meet her, just mention that she is great, you have a great time with her, and all her other good qualities (especially anything that shows her generally being successful at the game of life)....and emphasize again how happy you are to be dating her.

Eventually they'll meet her, and no doubt be in shock about her size, but 1) Hopefully they won't be rude enough to say anything to her face, and 2) they will have heard good things about her first, so hopefully they'll be able to see some of those qualities, and not just the fat.

(basically use the halo effect: that when we know something good about someone, we tend to see other good things in them.)

I'm sure you will still get grief from them, but might as well choose the battlefield to be as favourable to you as you can.


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## Dansinfool (May 13, 2013)

will someone please rep her for me?!? well said!

Done fat9276... I put in a rep for you


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## Forgotten_Futures (May 14, 2013)

And of course, if, in the long and short of things, your family/friends insist on being willfully opinionated and vocal about it, you can always play the "complete dick" card.

Essentially, ask them, as maliciously as you'd like, how much they like seeing you. And whether or not they'd be willing to lose that if they can't at least be civil towards your S/O.

(I fully expect to have to do this if I ever wind up dating someone who is more than "plump", as my mom is a bit of a fat-phobe, and her mother is very bad about being passive-aggressive, and also applying her views to others whether or not they share those views.)


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## Extinctor100 (May 14, 2013)

Forgotten_Futures said:


> And of course, if, in the long and short of things, your family/friends insist on being willfully opinionated and vocal about it, you can always play the "complete dick" card.
> 
> Essentially, ask them, as maliciously as you'd like, how much they like seeing you. And whether or not they'd be willing to lose that if they can't at least be civil towards your S/O.



I like this comment, and I want to encourage men to take the hard line where their futures are concerned. The whole point of a relationship with a woman - one you could see a long-term romance with - is that no one else is invited into the bedroom but you two. I use that as a figure of speech to say that in the end, you will be the one sleeping next to her and waking up next to her every morning. You don't need to necessarily turn this into a war back at your family, but you need to make it clear that you don't compromise your future and your happiness for others. You need to stand by your integrity and stand by your woman, because in the end, everyone (including the judgy people in your life) will respect you more for it. Some may deep-fry it in resentment, but they ultimately will know the kind of man you are.

And it's true what the women on this thread have said, that if you intend to involve her in your life, you do need to be 100% with her and be the man she'll want you to be. You can't half-ass it where a woman's heart is concerned. EVER.


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## Mauiboy (May 15, 2013)

Just go for it. It doesn't matter what others think. She's fat, she turns you on. So what's it too them? If she's wonderful the make her a FULL part of you life. None of that closet shit.

Keep calm and love big girls. They are the absolute best and will rock your world.

Good luck!


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## BigBrwnSugar1 (May 15, 2013)

Turn the tables - how would _YOU_ feel if someone was embarrassed to be seen with you? Doesn't feel so good, does it? If you are not man/woman enough to stand behind your convictions then leave the person alone and find someone who you think is more "socially acceptable".


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## Musicman560 (May 16, 2013)

Thx again for the comments. Im definitely gonna follow the no picture advise and just say good things. I met up with her a couple times this week and i can say that im definitely falling for her. After reading all these comments (and meeting her a few times) im feeling a lot more confident about this.


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## liz (di-va) (May 16, 2013)

just wanted to say good luck. and come on in...the water's fine.


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## hots_towel (May 21, 2013)

i know how that is. its a guilty pleasure but ive noticed the larger the woman, the more i am attracted. 

i was able to inch myself into my friends with this preference. they know i like "chubby" girls, or the word i use around them is thicker, and they aren't critical of it. but God help me if they ever find my search history on my comp. some of those women are a grade or 2 higher than chubby haha


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## Blockierer (May 25, 2013)

Musicman560 said:


> .... I can't stop imagining what friends and family would say if they ever meet her. ...


Don't let other people control your thoughts or life. And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.


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## ranterc (May 25, 2013)

I can relate to the feelings,,ill be honest I feel ashamed of the fact that the thoughts cross my mind,, don't get me wrong , I'm not ashamed to be seen wwith her anywhere , I do think , what will the family think ,I know they won't treat her badly there are big girlss in my fam,no one is really skinny, and we are very mixed racially,,I just wonder if on the inside threy will have there jokes because I'm so skinny (125lbs ) and she's about 220ish?( don't know exactly,once she went over 200 she won't step on a scale)


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## Dromond (May 26, 2013)

Blockierer said:


> *Don't let other people control your thoughts or life.* And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.



The bolded part is the most important lesson you'll ever learn. If you try to conform to what others think you should be, you'll be miserable your whole life. Be yourself. Like what you like. If anyone tries to shame you, tell them to f- off. That includes family.


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## LifeTraveller (May 26, 2013)

Dromond said:


> The bolded part is the most important lesson you'll ever learn. If you try to conform to what others think you should be, you'll be miserable your whole life. Be yourself. Like what you like. If anyone tries to shame you, tell them to f- off. That includes family.



"To thine own self be true". . Some of the best words ever written. It's pretty much what personal life boils down to. . I took a bit of flak from some friends and family because of my wife's weight. . Not much, I told it like it was, and from then on. . everything was copacetic, more or less. . Those that could dealt with us did, those that couldn't. . Well that's how it goes. .


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## sarahe543 (May 31, 2013)

If anything is said about my man being large the reply will be a 'well DUH' I think I have been lucky so far no silly comments but I have a tendency to blank things that I don't want to hear! Sure I have heard the 'oh so you like big guys then' Well DUH!


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## Musicman560 (Jun 6, 2013)

> *Don't let other people control your thoughts or life*. And you should realize, fat admiration is a lifelong preference. You cannot change it.



Thx again peeps! Not gonna let what ppl think keep me away from this amazing person i met!


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## Musicman560 (Jun 25, 2013)

Alright, so i'm wondering if you guys can give me a bit more help. How do you guys deal with "going out?" I want to treat her like a regular size girl but I'm starting to see some issues. Like when we go to the movies, she can't fit in the seats unless the arm can go up. So now i know we always have to go to a theater with arms that can go up. But what about other situations? I don't have any other in mind other then restaurant booths, cause I haven't encountered them yet but I guess you can say I want to be prepared for them. I don't want to put her in a position where she would be uncomfortable.


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## BigBeautifulMe (Jun 25, 2013)

Pre-plan. If possible, check places out before you suggest them. Ensure there are comfortable seats, and if you're going to be doing some walking ensure there are places for her to stop and rest should she need to. Try to look at those places from her perspective. Or, even better, if you have any BBW acquaintances in your area, check with them to see if they know any fat-friendly places. Most importantly, when you're out with her, try to be aware of her comfort and ask lightly but caringly if she's comfortable if she looks like she might not be. And most of all don't trot out "I came here beforehand and scoped this place out to make sure the chairs would fit your ass." lol! If she's not into the BBW scene and doesn't know places like this and ideas like this exist, she might be way more embarrassed by that than happy.


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## Tad (Jun 25, 2013)

Maybe you could get her input on things she'd like and which work for her? Obviously not "Hey, what dating type things work for you despite how fat you are?" but maybe more like "I want us to have a lot of fun this summer. I was thinking we could make a list of half a dozen things we could do on weekends that we'd really enjoy. Kind of brainstorm on how we could plan some awesome days. First step is just to get a lot of ideas on paper, then we choose a few that appeal most, then we plan on how to make them awesome."

You could offer ideas like a picnic in a park, visit to some local tourist attractions (use specific places, not generic), going to a flea market, hitting the beach, going to a local pool/pond/reservoir/lagoon (swimming place where you don't have to walk on sand, basically), sporting event (again be specific), renaissance faire (if such a thing visits your area), theatre in the park, concert (have some bands and dates to offer up), or whatever else you think of. Don't overwhelm her with a list all at once--offer up a few to get things started, let her come up with some, add some to keep things going.

The winnowing down could be the trickiest part, because you'd need to be reading her non-verbal language to make sure she doesn't agree to something to please you, that she isn't sure about. But try to come up with a few that you both agree on. 

Then add on to them, to make a day. The central activity is going to a play in a park one evening. You need to decide if you are sitting on a blanket or bringing chairs, then are you going out to a restaurant to eat before, or bringing a picnic with you? If a picnic, maybe you'll shop together and prepare it together, maybe even go picnic basket shopping first, etc.

Of course, in all of this you need to have an idea of her physical limits and comfort zone, so that she doesn't have to say "I hate sitting on the ground, because it is really embarrassing when I have to get up, if there are people around" So things like how far is she good for walking, how long for standing, how is she with hills or stairs (getting cheap seat at the baseball game might sound good so there is more apt to be space around you, but not so good if it is more stairs than she can climb without hurting).

Basically it comes down to, it sounds like you aren't on your first dates anymore, so it is fair to get more interactive (still plan a few things that you can just bring her on, everyone likes to just relax and enjoy sometimes, but most enjoy planning dates with other people too). And in the joint planning, you'll learn more of what she likes.

Good luck!


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## Dromond (Jun 25, 2013)

I would ask her where she likes to go to eat. Don't couch the topic in accommodating her size, couch the topic in getting an idea of what kinds of food she likes.

As to what to plan to do, Tad has the right idea. Get input from her. Not only will you find out what is more comfortable for her, you'll be doing the gentlemanly act of caring about what she likes.


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## BigBeautifulMe (Jun 25, 2013)

The above two gents (Dromond and Tad) are two of the best husbands and FAs you could come across, OP. Listen to them.


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## Grundsau 11 (Jun 26, 2013)

Egad! You have, in your girlfriend a woman who a vast # of men, me included, would do damn near anything to have the privilege to refer to as their girlfriend, & THIS is all you can worry about?

I may be from PENNSYLVANIA, not MISSOURI, but I don't believe a b----y word of it! It sounds as true as a 5-cent bugle!


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## Musicman560 (Jun 27, 2013)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Pre-plan. If possible, check places out before you suggest them. Ensure there are comfortable seats, and if you're going to be doing some walking ensure there are places for her to stop and rest should she need to. Try to look at those places from her perspective. Or, even better, if you have any BBW acquaintances in your area, check with them to see if they know any fat-friendly places. Most importantly, when you're out with her, try to be aware of her comfort and ask lightly but caringly if she's comfortable if she looks like she might not be. And most of all don't trot out "I came here beforehand and scoped this place out to make sure the chairs would fit your ass." lol! If she's not into the BBW scene and doesn't know places like this and ideas like this exist, she might be way more embarrassed by that than happy.



Thank you, seating is what im most worried about since all of her weight is down there.


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## Musicman560 (Jun 27, 2013)

Thx Dromond and Tad, thats really good advice. Im just goin to plan most events with her, since it will be in her area anyway. So, she would know what places would be best for herself.


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## MrWhiteShin (Jun 28, 2013)

I had an issue with it as well, but I think it was mostly because I was concerned with having proper timing or some other nonessential reason. I wish you luck with it, and say just let what happens happen.


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## Tad (Jun 28, 2013)

One more thought: be flexible. Something may be all planned out, then not work out. You have to be able to laugh about it, and be OK if the big plan doesn`t work out, and especially if you missed some issue or problem. We all make mistakes, it is how we react to them and recover from them that really matters.

(personal anecdote: my wife has had knee issues since before we met, back to when she was fairly thin. On one visit (while we were LDR) I`d made plans for us to have a leisurely walk up the gentle side of Mount Royal (big hill in the middle of Montreal), then take the stairs down the cliff side to downtown, where we`d get supper. The walk up was wonderful, the snack we had up there was intimate and romantic. And then I discovered that going down many stairs is her biggest problem with her knees. It had never come up, as we`d never been faced with a HUGE stair case before. But it was either the stairs, or a mile or more back down the wrong side of the mountain, as it was getting dark. She ended bumming down a lot of the stairs, like a toddler, and by the end her knees and backside were so sore we just hobbled to the nearest metro station and took the train back to my apartment and had ramen noodles. After that I was much more careful if I was planning something without talking it through with her first.)


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## Musicman560 (Jul 3, 2013)

Tad said:


> One more thought: be flexible. Something may be all planned out, then not work out. You have to be able to laugh about it, and be OK if the big plan doesn`t work out, and especially if you missed some issue or problem. We all make mistakes, it is how we react to them and recover from them that really matters.
> 
> (personal anecdote: my wife has had knee issues since before we met, back to when she was fairly thin. On one visit (while we were LDR) I`d made plans for us to have a leisurely walk up the gentle side of Mount Royal (big hill in the middle of Montreal), then take the stairs down the cliff side to downtown, where we`d get supper. The walk up was wonderful, the snack we had up there was intimate and romantic. And then I discovered that going down many stairs is her biggest problem with her knees. It had never come up, as we`d never been faced with a HUGE stair case before. But it was either the stairs, or a mile or more back down the wrong side of the mountain, as it was getting dark. She ended bumming down a lot of the stairs, like a toddler, and by the end her knees and backside were so sore we just hobbled to the nearest metro station and took the train back to my apartment and had ramen noodles. After that I was much more careful if I was planning something without talking it through with her first.)



Being flexible is no prob with me, but like I said just want to avoid an embarassing situation. Haven't come close to happening yet but im sure it will happen someday lol. Just gotta be prepared. Though I learned recently that lots of stairs are a nono so escalators/elevators are now becoming our friends.


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## Tiffany08 (Dec 4, 2013)

Musicman560 even though i'm 5 years late you cant help who your falling more and people shouldn't judge you or her because of her size so i say do whatever makes you happy and don't worry what others think


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## sarahreign (Dec 12, 2013)

Honestly,why does it matter to them what your preference is? If they don't like it they don't have to meet your potential mate. I would bluntly tell them all up front, if they don't like it they need to shut their mouths and accept it. If they were really your so called friends and family, it would not matter WHAT you like, they should support you 100%. They are doing nothing but making you unhappy with the insults and you need to tell them that. I have zero tolerance when it come to family & friends who aren't open minded and feel the need to talk crap. It's childish! I have to hear it from my family because I am the fat one (in the family since I am a gainer) and date smaller guys than me. I just basically flip them off and tell them they are the ones basically pushing me away.
I am not saying this is the right way to do things, but I feel that being blunt, honest upfront and stating my intentions from the beginning is easier than being silent and letting it bother me. I don't need to surround myself with people who are THAT small minded that weight, race, creed or what ever is more important than my (yours in this case) happiness. 

Hope this kind of helps. I am just an open book and really don't care what people say! (You can always punch them in their face too LOL  jk)


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## Musicman560 (Dec 26, 2013)

thx guys for the replies. At this point a majority of my close friends alrdy kno and have been cool with it, so i guess i was worrying for nothin. And yes, I agree that there opinion on my preference is not important at all.


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## Saoirse (Dec 26, 2013)

its only a big deal if you make it a big deal.


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## Ms Charlotte BBW (Dec 26, 2013)

I agree 100% with what Saoirse!! (Would rep you if I could, my friend!)


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## Extinctor100 (Dec 28, 2013)

Ms Charlotte BBW said:


> I agree 100% with what Saoirse!! (Would rep you if I could, my friend!)



I did it for you. Because teamwork!


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## Ms Charlotte BBW (Dec 29, 2013)

Extinctor100 said:


> I did it for you. Because teamwork!



YAY! Thank you Extinctor!! :bow:


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## edvis (Dec 30, 2013)

I am proud to be seen with a BBW.


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## RabbitScorpion (Jan 2, 2014)

i was never a "closeted FA" because I never had an aversion to anyone on account of size, and (perhaps naively) assumed that everyone thought like me.

The second girl I ever dated arranged a great first date, in the daytime, she took me to a crowded shopping mall and held my hand ad we walked. 

In retrospect, this was genius. She was probably testing me to see if I were willing to be seen with her (which, of course, I was!)


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