# feel awful and confused =(



## S-Mac (Oct 30, 2011)

Well, my girlfriend(of one year) wants to lose weight and get down to about 120-125(she's 5'1')
her 'normal' weight has been around the 150s for most of her life, and recently when I started going out with her, she gained 30 pounds and went into the 180s. 

Ok, so I'm most attracted to women in their 170-200s, and I personally feel like my lower limit is 135-140ish..

She knows this, last month I 'came out' to her as a FA.

Now, here's my problem...
I feel so incredibly shallow. She wants to be in the 120s range(last month ago it was the 130-140s range, but maybe also because it was the same time i 'came out')

I love her so much, but yet, this is tearing me apart. It's like there's the 2 sides of me, the one who is selfless and only wants her to be happy, and the selfish part of me who wants what I want.

It's confusing. I honestly feel that I can't be attracted to someone that thin, it's just who I am and my sexual attraction preferences. But it makes me feel so shallow and bleh. I want to find the woman I love attractive in my eyes, which I currently do very much so, even though she's already lost the 30 pounds she put on and is back in the 150s range, which I still feel very attracted to. 

I hate this feeling, I feel so shallow and selfish because I want her to stay at her current weight or gain. She knows I prefer her bigger, but I have not told her about me preferring her to gain. 

I'm just confused as what to think, I feel shallow, and I feel wierd that this is such a serious thing to me..i mean, I love her, it shouldnt even matter at all right??



Sorry about it being all over the place, thanks if you read and even more thanks if you comment.


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## Fat Brian (Oct 30, 2011)

If this is want she wants to do its her choice but if after she loses you aren't happy you are free to leave. You are dating but aren't in a serious committed relationship, you didn't say if you were engaged. If this relationship doesn't meet your needs its better to get out now than after its very serious. She also deserves someone who will love her in the form she feels most comfortable.


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## Heyyou (Oct 30, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> Well, my girlfriend(of one year) wants to lose weight and get down to about 120-125(she's 5'1')
> her 'normal' weight has been around the 150s for most of her life, and recently when I started going out with her, she gained 30 pounds and went into the 180s.
> 
> Ok, so I'm most attracted to women in their 170-200s, and I personally feel like my lower limit is 135-140ish..
> ...



she might be one of those "I need to lose weight to feel good" types, and in that SHE may be the whacho and you are fine!

I too agree, i am like you in the bold sentence. 

I also agree with Fat Brian.

If SHE wants to lose weight for non-health reasons, SHE is the one shallow, not you. 

Does she live in California by any chance? Many... oh nm.


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## S-Mac (Oct 30, 2011)

@ Fat Brian: I don't want to leave her. I really love her a lot. We're not engaged, but I definitely think about it.
I wouldn't leave her because of how I feel, I'd be making a huge mistake I think. I just want to figure out how to get over how I feel so it doesn't affect me. I mean, in 50 years she'll be old and gray, so she wont be attractive then? And I want a life partner, someone who I can wake up next to despite them being old and gray.


@ Heyyou: That's why. She wants to lose weight to feel good about herself. She says she's unhealthy because she runs out of breath more than she used to, but I think that's because she never exercises..(Im the same, 100 yard run and im panting, and im pretty thin )
She does have pretty low self esteem, I wont get into specifics, but I know this is why she would want to lose weight. She doesn't exercise, and she likes food. She's managed to lose 30 pounds in like 5-6 months though, I dont rly know how tho, but at that rate, she'll be at her target weight in another 5-6 months.


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## Heyyou (Oct 30, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> @ Fat Brian: I don't want to leave her. I really love her a lot. We're not engaged, but I definitely think about it.
> I wouldn't leave her because of how I feel, I'd be making a huge mistake I think. I just want to figure out how to get over how I feel so it doesn't affect me. I mean, in 50 years she'll be old and gray, so she wont be attractive then? And I want a life partner, someone who I can wake up next to despite them being old and gray.
> 
> 
> ...



If she is insecure, leave her. Trust me, i have experience with this.

I can totally understand and respect how you think its YOU being selfish, and you probably like the girl too. However, i too have found out the hard way that "you can lead the horse to the water, but you cannot make him drink." 

Its OK for her to like food
Its OK for her want to lose weight
but her insecurity is something you can do without.

Show her the door, for all you know she was eyeing it up anyway but simply didnt say anything. 

I dont know all, but she may not be "life partner material." And you may only THINK you love her. Think about it.


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## idontspeakespn (Oct 30, 2011)

Heyyou said:


> If SHE wants to lose weight for non-health reasons, SHE is the one shallow, not you.



This is sort of a dickish statement, just so you know. 

I can think of plenty of non-health reasons why I could stand to lose poundage, which aren't shallow, but practical: 

1) Airplane seats would be easier to sit in. I travel somewhat frequently, so this is an issue.

2) Buying quality, professional suits for work wouldn't be so damn expensive.

3) Ditto for shoes. 

4) Depending on where I could potentially live and where I could work, my health insurance could be lower. 

I'm sure there are other reasons, but I've been writing all day, and can't make anymore cohesive arguments.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 30, 2011)

Heyyou said:


> she might be one of those "I need to lose weight to feel good" types, and in that SHE may be the whacho and you are fine!
> 
> I too agree, i am like you in the bold sentence.
> 
> ...


 
OP, now is the time to decide if you are interested in a longer term relationship; it doesn't bode well that you have concerns about being physically attracted to her as she loses weight. It doesn't make you selfish, shallow, or a monster to decide that the relationship isn't going to work for you .... in my experience, HOW you end things speaks more to the strength of your character. 

Heyyou ... I just don't have words. At least, I can't find any that would actually be useful for you. It is not abnormal to want to lose weight, and it's about as "shallow" as your vision of intentional weight GAIN in that it's changing one's body. As it turns out, the gaining part serves a useful function to YOU ... and therefore, you aren't defining that as shallow or insecure. 

Bottom line: Why someone wants to lose weight, gain weight, stay the same, shave her head and walk backwards ... it's none of your business and you don't get to dictate the terms of someone else's body. You can decide if you're along for the ride. That's all you get to decide.


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## olwen (Oct 30, 2011)

Heyyou said:


> she might be one of those "I need to lose weight to feel good" types, and in that SHE may be the whacho and you are fine!
> 
> I too agree, i am like you in the bold sentence.
> 
> ...



Dude, not every fat woman is happy being fat. You just need to accept that. If a woman wants to lose weight for reasons other than health that's her business and it doesn't make her wacko. Maybe she just wants to physically fit into things better. Maybe she isn't comfortable being different from everyone else around her and she just wants to fit in. 

And S-Mac, how can you really know what someone weighs by looking at them? Do you require all your girlfriends to get on a scale? Most people are just clueless when it comes to judging weight. And well, if your range of attraction is soooo narrow, then I'm afraid that you will have this problem no matter who you date.


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## Azrael (Oct 30, 2011)

When it comes to this issue I usually ask how important is sex in the relationship.

You see, different relationships can be more or less based on sex so in some of them sex is a major issue while in others it is only a minor issue.

Relationships which are majorly based around sex will have difficulties should one partner not be sexually attracted to the other. Meanwhile, relationships which have sex as a minor part of it will face less difficulties should the same situation arrive.

Once you have figured out exactly how important sex is in the relationship you can go from there. If it's a minor thing you might want to stick around with her, if it's a major thing you might want to break it off, and if you're unsure how important it is then you might have to wait and see until she wants to have sex at a smaller size. Will major problems occur or will there only be minor ones? That is the main concern. Usually if major problems occur then the relationship will most likely end since the two individual wants are incompatable. If there are minor ones then it is entirely possible for the two to ride it out.


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## S-Mac (Oct 30, 2011)

Heyyou said:


> If she is insecure, leave her. Trust me, i have experience with this.
> 
> I can totally understand and respect how you think its YOU being selfish, and you probably like the girl too. However, i too have found out the hard way that "you can lead the horse to the water, but you cannot make him drink."
> 
> ...



Insecurities can be fixed. I know because I'm overcoming some of mine. 
I can't see myself leaving her, I'm just too attached. I guess that could be seen as a bad thing. I wouldn't want to leave her because she's insecure, yeah it's kinda a pain, but I think once she's out of her house, that she can begin overcoming them. She shows signs of doing so sometimes, but her mom isn't exactly nice to her all the time(I think her mom may be insecure herself and she takes it out in the form of bullying), and I actually think she's a major part of why this girl is insecure.

I don't want to leave her, and let her end up with some scumbag who'll treat her like shit, because a lot of insecure girls end up in relationships like that, and this girls amazing, she makes me laugh like no other, I enjoy spending my time with her more than anyone else, she deserves to live a full and happy life. I guess I am too in love to consider leaving her. 

And you're right, maybe I only do think Im in love with her, but I honestly don't know how I would tell the difference between real true love and imagined love..




idontspeakespn said:


> This is sort of a dickish statement, just so you know.
> 
> I can think of plenty of non-health reasons why I could stand to lose poundage, which aren't shallow, but practical:
> 
> ...



I don't think she's losing for practical reasons. As it stands now, she's not even obese. She can easily fit in seats, she thinks spending more than $20 on shoes is madness, she's not exactly in the professional work force yet, and from what I see, she doesn't struggle with the extra weight at all. 

I understand what you mean though. A gallon of water weighs about 10 pounds and she's dropped 30 so far, so that's like 3 gallon jugs of water that she's no longer carrying.





TraciJo67 said:


> OP, now is the time to decide if you are interested in a longer term relationship; it doesn't bode well that you have concerns about being physically attracted to her as she loses weight. It doesn't make you selfish, shallow, or a monster to decide that the relationship isn't going to work for you .... in my experience, HOW you end things speaks more to the strength of your character.
> 
> Heyyou ... I just don't have words. At least, I can't find any that would actually be useful for you. It is not abnormal to want to lose weight, and it's about as "shallow" as your vision of intentional weight GAIN in that it's changing one's body. As it turns out, the gaining part serves a useful function to YOU ... and therefore, you aren't defining that as shallow or insecure.
> 
> Bottom line: Why someone wants to lose weight, gain weight, stay the same, shave her head and walk backwards ... it's none of your business and you don't get to dictate the terms of someone else's body. You can decide if you're along for the ride. That's all you get to decide.




The thing is, I WANT the relationship to work out. I want what I'm feeling to just be something I can overcome and work with. Chances are I'm not going to be attracted to any wife of mine once she gets really old. Would I leave her then?? Attraction shouldn't be the definer of a relationship. 

I want to be along for the ride in the long haul, and I don't want what Im feeling to be a problem. I just want to figure out how Im feeling, how I can solve it enough so that it's not a problem. And I still do just straight up feel confused myself.


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## BitsySpider (Oct 30, 2011)

Heyyou said:


> If she is insecure, leave her. Trust me, i have experience with this.



A woman who is insecure about her body and feels she may be happier if she were thinner isn't worth staying around while she figures it out? Wow, just...wow. I really don't even know how to begin to respond to that.


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## S-Mac (Oct 30, 2011)

olwen said:


> Dude, not every fat woman is happy being fat. You just need to accept that. If a woman wants to lose weight for reasons other than health that's her business and it doesn't make her wacko. Maybe she just wants to physically fit into things better. Maybe she isn't comfortable being different from everyone else around her and she just wants to fit in.
> 
> And S-Mac, how can you really know what someone weighs by looking at them? Do you require all your girlfriends to get on a scale? Most people are just clueless when it comes to judging weight. And well, if your range of attraction is soooo narrow, then I'm afraid that you will have this problem no matter who you date.



She tells me her weight. Also for the most part, I'm guesstimating. Weight is dependent on a number of variables..
And I know. I feel so shallow. I never thought of myself as a shallow person, because I always thought 'oh, I like bigger women, so I'm not shallow', and it only now just occurred to me, that it works both ways. Me liking bigger women and not liking smaller women is the exact same as someone liking smaller women but not liking bigger women. 





Azrael said:


> When it comes to this issue I usually ask how important is sex in the relationship.
> 
> You see, different relationships can be more or less based on sex so in some of them sex is a major issue while in others it is only a minor issue.
> 
> ...



Well, lol, to be honest we've never had it.
1. We are long distance, and aren't around each other all the time, though I am moving up there in a couple months, and she's going to come down after christmas for a while and then help me move some of my stuff up.
2. She believes in waiting til marriage(she goes to church), and since I believe in waiting til the right time when a couple loves each other and decides it's right, I'm willing to wait as well, since it wouldnt be the right time for her. This was a bit of a problem earlier on, but I'm comfortable with it now, so I don't really care. We're sexual in other ways, but we pretty much just stop at 3rd base. We nearly lost our control a few times and had it, but nearly doesn't count lolz.
I would say it's not a major part of the relationship, though I do enjoy what we do sexually. Quite a lot. 
So I would consider it minor, but I would really miss her bigger her when we're heavy petting. I don't think I would care as much when I'm doing my own business as I use my minds eye, but then again, I just don't know yet.


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## S-Mac (Oct 30, 2011)

BitsySpider said:


> A woman who is insecure about her body and feels she may be happier if she were thinner isn't worth staying around while she figures it out? Wow, just...wow. I really don't even know how to begin to respond to that.




I agree with this.



I don't know that it would make that much of a difference, as her weight isn't the only thing, it's more her self worth in general. I won't go into details like I said before, but no daddy and her mom tends to take out her own insecurities in what I honestly consider emotional abuse.

I truly believe she could overcome them though.


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## Fat Brian (Oct 30, 2011)

Well S-Mac, it looks like you've got some soul searching to do. I wonder, are you what we call around here bisizual, or are you strictly attracted to large women ? Is it possible that she will still be attractive to you even though she's smaller ? Do you think that once she is away from the added stress of her mom that she will be more secure in herself at a larger size ? If you do stay with her will you be able to resist a persistent chubby girl if one presents herself ? You need to go into this with open eyes, its not fair to either of you to stay with her even though she's no longer attractive to you just because you're scared that her next boyfriend won't be up to your standards. Now is the time to flesh all of this stuff out, not after you're married.


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## Fat Brian (Oct 30, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I just got to read this post. If her mom is emotionally abusive to her it's going to be very hard to have any kind of relationship with her as long as her mom is around. I'm going through this now with my wife and it's incredibly frustrating, the people who have stolen her entire childhood are trying to steal her future with me and she is their guilty hearted accomplice. You need to make sure what she wants to do about her family and if leaving and never speaking to them again isn't her choice she'd better have a good reason why.


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## Azrael (Oct 30, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> Well, lol, to be honest we've never had it.
> 1. We are long distance, and aren't around each other all the time, though I am moving up there in a couple months, and she's going to come down after christmas for a while and then help me move some of my stuff up.
> 2. She believes in waiting til marriage(she goes to church), and since I believe in waiting til the right time when a couple loves each other and decides it's right, I'm willing to wait as well, since it wouldnt be the right time for her. This was a bit of a problem earlier on, but I'm comfortable with it now, so I don't really care. We're sexual in other ways, but we pretty much just stop at 3rd base. We nearly lost our control a few times and had it, but nearly doesn't count lolz.
> I would say it's not a major part of the relationship, though I do enjoy what we do sexually. Quite a lot.
> So I would consider it minor, but I would really miss her bigger her when we're heavy petting. I don't think I would care as much when I'm doing my own business as I use my minds eye, but then again, _I just don't know yet_.



Well then there's your answer.

Since you don't know yet, you're going to have to wait and see how it stresses it. Currently it's a minor issue but you're not sure so the best you got is to wait and see how much pressure and how many problems it causes, if any.

---
On an unrelated subject, this is why I'm not exactly a fan of the "wait until marriage" thing. You can't exactly tell sexual compatibilty or how sex will be an issue in a relationship, without actually having sex. Because of this, waiting till marriage may actually bring out problems which you were previously unaware of.

As I mention quite abit, depending on the relationship sex can be a major or minor thing. If sex is a major thing and someone decided to wait until marriage and the other person isn't as sexual (particularly if it's a guy who's not sexual) then that's going to cause some problems.

However, this is just me rambling, I ramble quite often too.


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## LovelyLiz (Oct 30, 2011)

It's interesting to me that a difference of less than ten pounds is such a huge issue for you - like it's not so much about the weight as about some kind of ideal of a number or something. I mean, could you honestly tell whether she was 129 pounds (thereby putting her in the 120s) or 135, which is your self-described "lower-limit"? It's 6 pounds...and depending on the person, that could be completely unnoticeable.

That's what makes me feel like this is more about control or having some kind of arbitrary number in your head, and less about actual physical attraction.

If there are other issues, fine, but acting like 6 pounds is the apocalypse just seems over the top...


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 31, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> I don't want to leave her, and let her end up with some scumbag who'll treat her like shit, because a lot of insecure girls end up in relationships like that, and this girls amazing, she makes me laugh like no other, I enjoy spending my time with her more than anyone else, she deserves to live a full and happy life. I guess I am too in love to consider leaving her.
> 
> And you're right, maybe I only do think Im in love with her, but I honestly don't know how I would tell the difference between real true love and imagined love..


 

S-Mac, you aren't her savior. You have no idea what she's capable of, and part of everyone's journey is making mistakes -- some of them huge -- and learning from them. Yes, she deserves to live a full and happy life. If you aren't attracted to her now, fear that you can't be attracted to her based on weight (or age, or for whatever reason) then YOU do not deserve HER. And you owe it to her to be transparently honest, and in a way that makes this your problem, not hers. She should know what she's getting into. She should know that staying with you may mean settling for a relationship that doesn't involve much physical intimacy. She may surprise you, and decide that it's not enough for her. She may take the decision out of your hands, and leave. Be very sure that THIS isn't what you're actually afraid of. 

You're agonizing over what amounts to a few pounds. That, coupled with your white knight syndrome (a term I thought I'd never use on the internet), makes it seem to me that this is more about control than love.


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## Still Waters (Oct 31, 2011)

I disagree with most of the people here. You're worrying about something that may not happen, or that may not be a problem for you when it happens. Wait and see what happens and how you like it.


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## Diana_Prince245 (Oct 31, 2011)

TraciJo67 said:


> S-Mac, you aren't her savior. You have no idea what she's capable of, and part of everyone's journey is making mistakes -- some of them huge -- and learning from them. Yes, she deserves to live a full and happy life. If you aren't attracted to her now, fear that you can't be attracted to her based on weight (or age, or for whatever reason) then YOU do not deserve HER. And you owe it to her to be transparently honest, and in a way that makes this your problem, not hers. She should know what she's getting into. She should know that staying with you may mean settling for a relationship that doesn't involve much physical intimacy. She may surprise you, and decide that it's not enough for her. She may take the decision out of your hands, and leave. Be very sure that THIS isn't what you're actually afraid of.
> 
> You're agonizing over what amounts to a few pounds. That, coupled with your white knight syndrome (a term I thought I'd never use on the internet), makes it seem to me that this is more about control than love.



I'm out of rep, but this is so right on.


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## OneFAsView (Oct 31, 2011)

S-Mac, if you haven't, you should follow the thread started by Conrad -- "The inherent FA predicament". There is no easy answer, but keep in mind that your are dealing with an issue that I'm sure the vast majority of FAs will need to deal with. There is no simple answer, and really no one can really know your personal situation.


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## Melian (Oct 31, 2011)

Heyyou said:


> If she is insecure, leave her. Trust me, i have experience with this.


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## PeanutButterfly (Oct 31, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> Well, my girlfriend(of one year) wants to lose weight and get down to about 120-125(she's 5'1')
> her 'normal' weight has been around the 150s for most of her life, and recently when I started going out with her, she gained 30 pounds and went into the 180s.
> 
> Ok, so I'm most attracted to women in their 170-200s, and I personally feel like my lower limit is 135-140ish..
> ...



S-Mac, I totally sympathize with you. I think almost everyone gets upset with their partner's look change drastically from their "ideal" mate. But just because her looks will change doesn't mean you won't be attracted to her anymore. I like to think I'm a pretty hardcore FFA. I absolutely adore a big round gut. Yet the guy I'm in love with is average teetering on thin. And I still find him to be irresistably attractive. I mean everyone is different and he wasn't big when we met so I can see how her going from your ideal to not your ideal would bother you but there are a lot of ways to get around the issue. If you've "come out" to her maybe she'd be willing to indulge your fantasies once in a while? Wear tight clothes, "fat talk" with you ect. this way you'd still be able to connect with your FA self. For me, I just ask that any guy I'm with has a little belly, just some for me to play with and squish a bit. But if my boyfriend told me tomorrow he was going for a six pack? I don't know how I'd feel about that. I would still love him but I would have a hard time enjoying myself sexually. I imagine it would be the equivalent of me dating a non-FA (and not one of those enlightened "I like all women guys") and gaining 30 pounds. I would think that my partner would have a hard time finding someone close to 250 lbs sexually attractive or as sexually attractive as I once was. 

I don't know if my ramblings made any sense but hopefully I helped you a little. My point is you're not a freak, especially here at Dims where there are many like minded folks. I think as long as your girlfriend maintained some fat girl qualities, like a little pot belly or a jiggly butt, you might be surprised at how little the number on the scale matters.


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## Gingembre (Nov 1, 2011)

S-Mac said:


> I just want to figure out how to get over how I feel so it doesn't affect me.


Mmm...to be brutally honest, it may well be that you can't overcome it. Ultimately I think you'll have to wait and see how things pan out.



TraciJo67 said:


> Bottom line: Why someone wants to lose weight, gain weight, stay the same, shave her head and walk backwards ... it's none of your business and you don't get to dictate the terms of someone else's body. You can decide if you're along for the ride. That's all you get to decide.


Well said, bravo!



mcbeth said:


> It's interesting to me that a difference of less than ten pounds is such a huge issue for you - like it's not so much about the weight as about some kind of ideal of a number or something. I mean, could you honestly tell whether she was 129 pounds (thereby putting her in the 120s) or 135, which is your self-described "lower-limit"? It's 6 pounds...and depending on the person, that could be completely unnoticeable.


Good point!



Still Waters said:


> I disagree with most of the people here. You're worrying about something that may not happen, or that may not be a problem for you when it happens. Wait and see what happens and how you like it.


I agree with this. 

Also, OP, you've mentioned several times about the possibility of your gf overcoming her insecurities....even if she does this, that doesn't necessarily mean she won't want to lose weight anymore. Just a thought.


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## fatluvinguy (Nov 1, 2011)

it's funny you speak of breaking up with her, but it could be she's losing weight because she wants to break up with you. i don't think its unusual for a person to lose weight or get in shape if they're getting ready to reenter the dating scene. just a thought. anyway i hope if you two are in love i hope you can work things out.


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## Lamia (Nov 1, 2011)

fatluvinguy said:


> it's funny you speak of breaking up with her, but it could be she's losing weight because she wants to break up with you. i don't think its unusual for a person to lose weight or get in shape if they're getting ready to reenter the dating scene. just a thought. anyway i hope if you two are in love i hope you can work things out.



This was my exact thought.


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## Aurora (Nov 1, 2011)

All this advice is fine, but what you should be doing is talking with her. Tell her your feelings. Come clean with your desires. If she's uncomfortable with your true feelings, then it's not meant to be. But that's her problem, not yours. Don't compromise who you are to fit someone else - and the same should be said to her.


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