# tumbled out of the closet



## Seraphina (Feb 16, 2010)

Hiya all

I'm a long, long time lurker here. Never really felt able to say much to anyone about gaining but last night I finally 'fessed up all to my husband.

For as long as I can remember I've had feeding and gaining fantasies, at some points in my life it caused me, and to some extent still causes me, such total anguish that I've had bulimia for most of my teenage and adult years. I'm not a skinny but I've spent lots of years trying to get skinny and stay that way, often managed to get there but never stayed there. Now sort of sitting at a "bit plump".

Last night I ended up getting just telling my hubby everything about why I felt the way I did about food including wanting to put on weight and to be fed and instead of running screaming - which I thought he would since he's always dated thin women before me - he just said "that's a real f*cking turn on and I think you're damn sexy fatter". The sex was fantastic.

Only I thought I'd be happy, and I am happy but it's not really released me from my own feelings of being strange and at odds with the rest of the world because I feel this way and even though my relationship gives me the green light to be what I have always fantasized about being I'm not sure that I can 

Excuse one of my first posts being so indepth and serious but I just wondered are there anyone else who feels or has felt this way about gaining?

Seph
<3


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## Tad (Feb 16, 2010)

Nothing wrong with starting with a serious post!

I've never been anything like bulimic, but all the same trying to deal with gaining desires has led me to tie myself in some emotional and (a)sexual knots over the years. My wife more or less knows how I feel (at least she knows the general outline, I've spared her the gory details), and the whole thing does not appeal to her. However were things to suddenly change such that she supported things....I'm sure I'd still be tied in knots. Just it would hopefully help me ease out of said knots more easily.

In other words, I think it is perfectly normal that you still have conflicted, confused, and contrary feelings about the whole thing. You've been practicing those feelings for most of your life and are very, very, good at them. Not so easy to push thoughts and feelings out of that rut, no matter what. I think it will come, just that you both need to be aware that it may take time, TLC, and patience.

Good luck to you both!

-Ed


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## Seraphina (Feb 17, 2010)

Thanks Tad it's nice to know there are other people who feel conflicted.

I mean it's not like I haven't gained weight anyhow because I just like food so I've stacked on 50lbs in the past few years without really noticing and because the binging started to not end in the inevitable after I met my hubby. I never really got to enjoy it though because I felt like my hubby would want me to lose weight if we got onto the subject - clearly I was wrong!

Not sure if I am going to intentionally gain but then again I haven't really paid any attention to what I have eaten in the last few days, maybe I'll just end up getting fatter just because the secrets out and hubby doesn't mind!


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 17, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> Thanks Tad it's nice to know there are other people who feel conflicted.
> 
> I mean it's not like I haven't gained weight anyhow because I just like food so I've stacked on 50lbs in the past few years without really noticing and because the binging started to not end in the inevitable after I met my hubby. I never really got to enjoy it though because I felt like my hubby would want me to lose weight if we got onto the subject - clearly I was wrong!
> 
> Not sure if I am going to intentionally gain but then again I haven't really paid any attention to what I have eaten in the last few days, maybe I'll just end up getting fatter just because the secrets out and hubby doesn't mind!



You know I honestly have never understood the idea of somebody being conflicted about this. It's more than reasonable to say "This idea turns me on sexually but I don't want to put it into practice." That to me is perfectly reasonable. Lots of women (and maybe men, i don't know) have rape fantasies. But they don't walk around bad parts of town or get drunk in sleezy bars hoping to actually get raped. That is not conflict at all, it's a recognition that something or some idea is arousing but only as an idea or fantasy, not reality. Now i'm not saying you're not into the reality or would not enjoy it, it's entirely possible you would. However it's important to recognize a simple potential disconnect between sexuality and practicality. Many people can conjur up a variety of sexual fantasies that are exciting while recognizing they don't want to really do them.


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## Tracii (Feb 17, 2010)

If I were in your situation I would go for it.
My BF has never had a problem with me gaining it was something I had struggled with too.
I had gained a lot of weight in my first marriage then lost it after my divorce thinking skinny was the only way to be.
I was so unhappy being skinny and manage to gain a little here and there.
I was much happier and felt better about my body with the extra lbs.
Had more curves which my new man loved and still does even if I have gained a lot more.
Good luck if you do decide to gain.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 17, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> Hiya all
> 
> I'm a long, long time lurker here. Never really felt able to say much to anyone about gaining but last night I finally 'fessed up all to my husband.
> 
> ...



I feel at odds here at times. Though I'm wildly turned on personally by gaining exponentially it's not a desire that manifests itself in my day to day life. On the contrary, for the first half of my life I did not want to be fat at all. I wanted to be thin and healthy like all of the people I knew, like the people in the music videos, like the super models and all the cute girls that the boys seemed to like. There is tremendous ppressure to conform and lose weight and I did everything to do so. I never had those secret moments of stuffing my clothes and collecting pictures of fat people like a lot of other gainers here share. Instead I have vivid memories of squeezing in to tight things and clothes that were too small for me. Outgrowing my clothing and bulging out of things was insanely erotic for me. I recall seeing some greeting cards in a joke store that had a super sized bbw on it. It was meant as a joke but for me it was a glimmer of hope that maybe one day fat would be mainstream and I wouldnt have to punish myself and feel awful about who I am all the time. I could wear short dresses and halter tops like everybody else and would not get laughed at. In all of this I never wanted to be bigger or smaller. I think that fat is sexy and during erotic moments I think even more fat is sexy'ER. I'm just the freak of all movements I guess. 

When I discovered feederism I found aspects of it that turned me on though I would NEVER have said so. It opened up a whole new world to me in eroticism yet as a whole seemed to take things farther than I wanted to go. I just wanted to enjoy and celebrate being fat without people bothering me. Any weight that I've gained has been naturally occuring and I've been fascinated with it in an erotic way, but I've not been pursuing it at all. I'm not at odds with all of this at all. My motto for most things is "It is what it is." I do feel kind of homeless here though.


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## Seraphina (Feb 17, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> It's more than reasonable to say "This idea turns me on sexually but I don't want to put it into practice." That to me is perfectly reasonable.



I can understand that point. I've gone through several previous relationships where there was no room for my feelings on this at all, in fact the first of those relationships I was dumped for gaining a measly 10lbs and no longer being a UK size 6. I've always dated men and women who liked me for the very thin figure I had back then. That's a good portion of how the bulimia crept in because I ate because I liked it and threw up because I was criticised! Useless really I should have stood up for who I was and what I was. The feelings I have aren't just directed at myself, I don't think a single partner has ever escaped putting on weight, not because I was intentionally feeding them but because I made them tasty food and clearly appreciated the result 

I'm not saying that I want to put into practise the fantasies of being very fat just that maybe a few more lbs would make me more comfortable with myself, especially since I was significantly heavier when I met my hubby and I ended up losing a bunch for our wedding.



LilyBBBW said:


> I feel at odds here at times. Though I'm wildly turned on personally by gaining exponentially it's not a desire that manifests itself in my day to day life. On the contrary, for the first half of my life I did not want to be fat at all. I wanted to be thin and healthy like all of the people I knew, like the people in the music videos, like the super models and all the cute girls that the boys seemed to like. There is tremendous ppressure to conform and lose weight and I did everything to do so.



This is something I can really relate to, I have always felt the pressure to be something I don't really feel like on the inside. I don't feel like I want to sit down and intentionally eat massive amounts to gain but at the same time it would be great to eat whatever I wanted and if that means a gain then I'll happily enjoy that, just like the last 50lbs.



LilyBBBW said:


> I think that fat is sexy and during erotic moments I think even more fat is sexy'ER. I'm just the freak of all movements I guess.


That makes you sound like a kindred spirit! That's essentially how I feel, nothing feels as good as curvy, soft and fat in those really intimate moments. It's the ultimate eroticism and something I have been attracted to all of my life and was my first experience of sexual feelings.

I can live with the soft and squishy I have and I don't need to gain more, just that the feelings were pretty crippling when they were affecting my marriage, self-esteem and sex life! I mean it's pretty crazy when you are eating salad and ryvita to lose weight when you don't want to, just that you feel it's unattractive. By no means am I in a league with most of the women on this site, I'm podgy, curvy and a bit jiggly but I don't see a point where I am more than that.

I'm not sure why it has to be that a 10lbs gain cannot be exciting because to me it really is. When my hubby gains, though it tends to be gain/loss/gain/loss, I love experience of him being different even if that is not exceptionally fat. I like the love handles they are cute and I love poking and rubbing his belly. To me that is as exciting as watching someone go from 150lbs to 600lbs, and that is good too and a fantastic fantasy but not a reality I would want to explore.


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## stillblessed23 (Feb 17, 2010)

I have always felt conflicted about my desires to gain. I think that I love many of the physical aspects of being fat I would love to be heavier and I have made myself the weight I am now. I know and hate the limitations of my weight however, and of possibly weighing 400 plus pounds one day. I want to live a long life. I have many goals for my life. I want to be a role model for children, but a very strong side of me wants to be thin and healthy also. I am educated so I can't ignore the facts that being fat, to the sense of what I am and want to be, is unhealthy. It is bad on a person's joints, and organs. I know this yet the other side of me wants to be fat. For me being fat and gaining is extremely sexual. I love the way my body feels, it is sensual and feels better with each added pound. It did not start off that way, with a sexual link. When I was little I did stuff my clothes, I did draw pictures of fat ppl, I snuck food, and I got very happy when I would see a new roll. I always wanted to be fat. I tried to get fat on purpose even when I was a child. I think societal pressures and the reality that I can't do the things I want to do, like be active, have kids, and be a leader in my profession, keep me from being the weight I would love. It is not a black and white issue for me, feederism and gaining is very gray. I think it is very normal to be conflicted about it. This is what I am learning and that is ok.





Seraphina said:


> Hiya all
> 
> I'm a long, long time lurker here. Never really felt able to say much to anyone about gaining but last night I finally 'fessed up all to my husband.
> 
> ...


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## Seraphina (Feb 18, 2010)

stillblessed23 said:


> When I was little I did stuff my clothes, I did draw pictures of fat ppl, I snuck food, and I got very happy when I would see a new roll. I always wanted to be fat. I tried to get fat on purpose even when I was a child. I think societal pressures and the reality that I can't do the things I want to do, like be active, have kids, and be a leader in my profession, keep me from being the weight I would love. It is not a black and white issue for me, feederism and gaining is very gray. I think it is very normal to be conflicted about it.



Sounds familiar also. When I was a child I did all those things which lead my mother to putting me on a strict starvation diet. At the point it pretty much crushed my feelings that this was ok and normal. I suppose that's one of the many reasons I've struggled with it so badly. Equally that I do want to be able to go out and play with my dog, be active with my husband, being fairly intelligent I get that I won't have 50 or 60 years with him if I gain a huge amount of weight and that it would severely restrict my life and health. I want neither of these things and recognise that food and sex are not the everything that life has to offer. Just there is always this little twinkle in the back of my mind :blush:

On the note of that twinkle, the revelation to hubby seems to have improved life in general. He always had a feeling that I was holding something back from him, wasn't enjoying sex as much as I could. I guess all the things we think the people we love don't notice. A slap on the ass yesterday morning accompanied with a fatty comment lead to us both having a really good day of sending kinky texts and enjoying winding each other up - and that's something we haven't had for a long time. So at least I can say that coming out is a positive experience even if that does not equate to suddenly deciding to gain 100lbs, because it doesn't, maybe 7-14lbs and to be happy with that. Interestingly I haven't had nearly the obsession with food and eating either, because I didn't restrict myself to what I thought I should have. Heaven forbid this leads to weightloss that would be a disaster :doh:


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 18, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> Sounds familiar also. When I was a child I did all those things which lead my mother to putting me on a strict starvation diet. At the point it pretty much crushed my feelings that this was ok and normal. I suppose that's one of the many reasons I've struggled with it so badly. Equally that I do want to be able to go out and play with my dog, be active with my husband, being fairly intelligent I get that I won't have 50 or 60 years with him if I gain a huge amount of weight and that it would severely restrict my life and health. I want neither of these things and recognise that food and sex are not the everything that life has to offer. Just there is always this little twinkle in the back of my mind :blush:
> 
> On the note of that twinkle, the revelation to hubby seems to have improved life in general. He always had a feeling that I was holding something back from him, wasn't enjoying sex as much as I could. I guess all the things we think the people we love don't notice. A slap on the ass yesterday morning accompanied with a fatty comment lead to us both having a really good day of sending kinky texts and enjoying winding each other up - and that's something we haven't had for a long time. So at least I can say that coming out is a positive experience even if that does not equate to suddenly deciding to gain 100lbs, because it doesn't, maybe 7-14lbs and to be happy with that. *Interestingly I haven't had nearly the obsession with food and eating either, because I didn't restrict myself to what I thought I should have. Heaven forbid this leads to weightloss that would be a disaster *:doh:



We ARE kindreds! That was my experience too. It wasn't through a confession to a loved one really, just a personal acknowledgement for me. I decided to stop running scared and just be who I am. Consequently all my anxieties and hang ups about food and so fourth went away, poof. I was generally gaining 10 - 15 pounds a year for the whole of my life and then suddenly the gaining stopped. At that point I was actually hoping to gain but not only did this seemingly out of control gaining stop but it reversed direction. I lost close to 20 pounds without even trying. That's all I lost though.  I was 425, now I'm teetering at around 400 give or take. Bizarre bizarre bizarre. I'm okay with it all. I'm all about being healthy both mentally and physically and so far, I'm feeling pretty good about where I am right now in both realms. The cool thing about this is that no matter what happens I'm happy with it. If I lose weight, I'm happy. If I gain, I'm happy. It's an awesome way to be.


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## joswitch (Feb 20, 2010)

@Seraphina - maybe the biggest pay off for you in having 'come out' is not so much about gaining Xlbs, but rather the freedom to truly be yourself, with the full understanding and acceptance of someone who loves you... That gives you a lot of room to breathe now, but you're not used to that - so it'll take some time to stretch into your new 'emotional territory'... so like Tad said be patient with yourself... Best of luck!


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## joswitch (Feb 20, 2010)

@Lilly - that's awesome! Yay! For an end to anxiety and a happy life!


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## Russ2d (Feb 20, 2010)

> and I am happy but it's not really released me from my own feelings of being strange and at odds with the rest of the world




Don't live your life for the perceived 'rest of the world', live your life as you and your husband want together


I also have to say as a general statement being fat does not automatically mean 'unhealthy'... every body type has unique needs, challenges, advantages and disadvantages, I know it's all been said before but for some reason I felt the need to say it again



-What is unhealthy however and what we need to do is get the government to rid our foods of the unnatural crap allowed in them by the tons! Sort of off the subject though...was up late, tired and moving on


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## Fat.n.sassy (Feb 20, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> Hiya all
> 
> I'm a long, long time lurker here. Never really felt able to say much to anyone about gaining but last night I finally 'fessed up all to my husband.
> 
> ...



Wow! What a great response from your husband!! It is so hard to be open sometimes for fear of the possible 'fall-out' pardon the pun. You two may just have opened up an entirely new facet to your relationship. Yea!


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## Seraphina (Feb 20, 2010)

joswitch said:


> freedom to truly be yourself, with the full understanding and acceptance of someone who loves you... That gives you a lot of room to breathe now, but you're not used to that - so it'll take some time to stretch into your new 'emotional territory'... so like Tad said be patient with yourself... Best of luck!



I think this is kind of nail on head. I've done two things this week which I never would have done before.

The first was to ask my hubby what clothes he likes me in and to help me throw out all the things I "hide" away in or are just the plain wrong size. So I ended up blowing cash on some new clothes that accentuate my curves not make me look like a brick in a t-shirt! I bit the bullet and bought from a plus-size store because the cut is better, and yeah I feel great - heaven forbid I feel sexy!

The second was to go to a supermarket and buy what the hell I wanted, I didn't buy "diet" or "low-fat" (apart from tonic water but I just don't like drinks that rot my teeths!). I didn't fee; like it was a total trauma of all this food I love and can't eat because I'll get fat. And the best part was that I could see the look of happiness on my hubby's face because this wasn't some dreadful chore where I refused to have things in the house because "I might eat it". We just bought really good, tasty food because we like it and I don't think there has been many times in my adult life I have done that. No more scrutinizing the packages for grams of fat and calorie content. I feel rather liberated.

So I'm sat here with my G&T, a big bag of crisps, there's dinner a rather yummy looking sea bass in the oven, seville orange and lemon cheesecake in the fridge and some grogeous looking brie and stilton getting decidedly soft on the kitchen side. I am looking forward to an evening of food I enjoy rather than running scared and trying to feed it to the dog!

I am glad I opened up to him, there has been a few wobbly (pardon the pun) moments where he's made a comment about my weight and I've had to remember I don't have to be defensive and trot out the "I know, I know I'll diet, go to the gym etc" line. That's probably the hardest part is remembering to enjoy it that he knows and that he is enjoying himself too... Definitely not going to be any lighter at the end of this weekend!


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## Tracii (Feb 20, 2010)

Your texting comments were so cute I'll bet that was fun for both of you.
Good luck and so what if you gain a little right?


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## Seraphina (Feb 22, 2010)

Weekend was good, only I have to admit to an awful hangover yesterday, but it was a good excuse to eat 

Scales say 2lb gain over the weekend (which makes 5lbs since the new year), wonder how much of that will stick. Really amusing thing was all this fat talk had hubby on the scales and he's gained 8lbs since xmas ... clearly I am bad for his diet since he's already added 60lbs since we got together. I think I may even have to start calling him chubby, he's only just got a little less of a belly wobble than me! I think he trying to get his revenge now, I seem to have eaten my own weight in chocolate, and I'm sure he'll bring something tasty home for dessert :wubu:


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## MattB (Feb 25, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> Weekend was good, only I have to admit to an awful hangover yesterday, but it was a good excuse to eat
> 
> Scales say 2lb gain over the weekend (which makes 5lbs since the new year), wonder how much of that will stick. Really amusing thing was all this fat talk had hubby on the scales and he's gained 8lbs since xmas ... clearly I am bad for his diet since he's already added 60lbs since we got together. I think I may even have to start calling him chubby, he's only just got a little less of a belly wobble than me! I think he trying to get his revenge now, I seem to have eaten my own weight in chocolate, and I'm sure he'll bring something tasty home for dessert :wubu:



Slightly O/T- I don't drink anymore, but for some reason I always found the best cure for a hangover was one of those Wendy's Frosty-thingies...Or maybe it is on topic, I don't know...

I'm very happy for you that you and your husband are open about it, and all is well. I went through a similar situation with my fiancee, and while she'll never be quite as 'enthusiastic' about the whole thing as I am, she's totally cool with it and we have a lot of fun together. If anything just being open about each others likes and dislikes, and being secure that the other won't think less of you for it, is worth much more than any particular turn-on or preference- no matter how hardwired into your system it is. We have nine years together this fall, and we would still rather hang out with each other than anyone else...


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## Seraphina (Mar 3, 2010)

Well things are still good, I meant to write sooner but I've been on new tablets and they've made me a bit woozy, and so not really the most eloquent!

I've gained another 2lbs this week, must be all that chocolate I keep being brought! Not to mention desserts. I seem to be gaining really easily, but it's a really good looking gain too really enhancing my curves rather than just ending up on my belly or boobs, I'm just getting bigger all over. Hubby is in ecstasy we haven't had this much sex since we were just dating!


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## joswitch (Mar 4, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> Well things are still good, I meant to write sooner but I've been on new tablets and they've made me a bit woozy, and so not really the most eloquent!
> 
> I've gained another 2lbs this week, must be all that chocolate I keep being brought! Not to mention desserts. I seem to be gaining really easily, but it's a really good looking gain too really enhancing my curves rather than just ending up on my belly or boobs, I'm just getting bigger all over. Hubby is in ecstasy we haven't had this much sex since we were just dating!



Yay! For good times! Hope things keep going well for you both!


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## Seraphina (Jan 6, 2012)

Hell it has been forever since I was last here... I didn't forget I just got a bit caught up in life y'know?

So those little gains ended up being a big one of 40lbs in the last year... definitely feeling like a fatty now and enjoying every second!


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## BigFA (Jan 7, 2012)

I had not seen this thread back in 2010 so I am glad you posted again so the entire thread would be revealed. So many of your initial conflicted feelings were like my own, but like you I have embraced the positives of truly enjoying eating all the food I like and whenever I like it without restrictions. It was so good to read that your husband embraced your desire to live a guilt-free life with respect to enjoying eating again and letting nature take its course with respect to gaining weight. And I can understand how your sex life can reach a new level of pleasure once you were open with each other about your mutual desires. Congratulations and thanks for keeping us up-to-date.


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## Lalique (Jan 7, 2012)

Your beginning is my beginning. 

I have decided once and for all to let go. Have been here for years, never had the courage to stick by my desire. Now I do. 

Thank you for sharing. Wish you the best


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## softgirly555 (Jan 13, 2012)

Seraphina said:


> Hiya all
> 
> I'm a long, long time lurker here. Never really felt able to say much to anyone about gaining but last night I finally 'fessed up all to my husband.
> 
> ...



This was totally me. Except instead of Bulimia I have been hospitalized twice for Anorexia and at one point weighed 71 pounds and while I am short at 5'1 it was still severely under-weight. And I always felt so weird about my fantasy of gaining weight and being fatter. I always knew it played some sort of role in my eating disorder. It wasn't until recently that I came out of the closet.. or so it feels like about my fetish. I have been in recovery for 3 years and about a year and a half ago I told my therapist who I was seeing for maintenance for the anorexia and she was not weirded out by it and she having recovered from an eating disorder said it made lots of sense and that it wasn't something to feel ashamed about. It was like part of the anorexia was an effort to punish myself for fantasizing about eating and gaining weight. 

Then I found the courage to tell my now fiance and my best friend about it. My best friend took it really well and we talked about certain things that she thought was weird about herself sexually. And I then told my now fiance and he was a little confused at first and we weren't sure how to incorporate my feelings and desires into our life and he doesn't feel the same way about it that I do, but he partakes in things now that I enjoy and indulges my fantasies and has found its fun for him because he likes seeing my enjoy myself and the sex is the best it has ever been for us ever. It has brought us much closer. 

However I still cant seem to let go completely and eat and gain with complete abandon. I have gained a significant amount from 71 pounds though. I am now 115. and I'm hoping to gain some more, but I have days where I feel that anorexic part of my brain in panic mode and worrying that he won't find me attractive or that I will get comments from others in my life. 

I'm not sure what will happen and I hope that one day I can really 100% give into my desires. But regardless it has been quite a long journey for me and I've come pretty far in accepting myself but there is still more work to do. .. and Delicious food to eat. lol

good luck!


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## bobsjers (Jan 13, 2012)

softgirly555 said:


> This was totally me. Except instead of Bulimia I have been hospitalized twice for Anorexia and at one point weighed 71 pounds and while I am short at 5'1 it was still severely under-weight. And I always felt so weird about my fantasy of gaining weight and being fatter. I always knew it played some sort of role in my eating disorder. It wasn't until recently that I came out of the closet.. or so it feels like about my fetish. I have been in recovery for 3 years and about a year and a half ago I told my therapist who I was seeing for maintenance for the anorexia and she was not weirded out by it and she having recovered from an eating disorder said it made lots of sense and that it wasn't something to feel ashamed about. It was like part of the anorexia was an effort to punish myself for fantasizing about eating and gaining weight.
> 
> Then I found the courage to tell my now fiance and my best friend about it. My best friend took it really well and we talked about certain things that she thought was weird about herself sexually. And I then told my now fiance and he was a little confused at first and we weren't sure how to incorporate my feelings and desires into our life and he doesn't feel the same way about it that I do, but he partakes in things now that I enjoy and indulges my fantasies and has found its fun for him because he likes seeing my enjoy myself and the sex is the best it has ever been for us ever. It has brought us much closer.
> 
> ...



You have to do what makes you happy. Holding back will make you miserable, and it won't be any fun for him if you are.

He will proibably accept it, if he sees you happy. If he isn't accepting, he may not be the one.


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## Imp (Jan 15, 2012)

softgirly555 said:


> This was totally me. Except instead of Bulimia I have been hospitalized twice for Anorexia and at one point weighed 71 pounds and while I am short at 5'1 it was still severely under-weight. And I always felt so weird about my fantasy of gaining weight and being fatter. I always knew it played some sort of role in my eating disorder. It wasn't until recently that I came out of the closet.. or so it feels like about my fetish. I have been in recovery for 3 years and about a year and a half ago I told my therapist who I was seeing for maintenance for the anorexia and she was not weirded out by it and she having recovered from an eating disorder said it made lots of sense and that it wasn't something to feel ashamed about. It was like part of the anorexia was an effort to punish myself for fantasizing about eating and gaining weight.
> 
> Then I found the courage to tell my now fiance and my best friend about it. My best friend took it really well and we talked about certain things that she thought was weird about herself sexually. And I then told my now fiance and he was a little confused at first and we weren't sure how to incorporate my feelings and desires into our life and he doesn't feel the same way about it that I do, but he partakes in things now that I enjoy and indulges my fantasies and has found its fun for him because he likes seeing my enjoy myself and the sex is the best it has ever been for us ever. It has brought us much closer.
> 
> ...



I hope you don't worry so much about "gaining with complete abandon." Just because you fantasize about it doesn't compel you do so. Saying to yourself that you have to be able to give in 100% to your fantasy can be just as constraining as saying to yourself that fantasies of gaining are weird and that you have to fend them off. I think if some days you want to gain, some days you don't and other days you regret it and want to lose--that would be pretty typical. Overall, though, you sound pretty content with things, and that's great. Best of luck and encouragement to you in finding satisfaction.


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