# Can telling a girl your an fa work adversly to her self esteem?



## bellyluver (Feb 7, 2012)

Recently I\'ve began to feel like my girlfriends knowledge of my preference tends to over look my adoration for \"of corse u do because you like fat girls kind of thing\". You see my gf dislikes her Body a great deal and I try but nothing I say or do seams to help much. It\'s like a rubble edged sword I offer to help her loose weight but the fact that I like her the way she is seams to slow that ball from Rowling. It\'s like she thinks I only like her body because it\'s fat. I feel the attention I show her only goes to reenforce the fact that she is fat witch in tern worsens the depression it\'s a viscous cycle. Is there anyone out there that has gone through this and knows any way I can help my gf to become more comfortable withe her body


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## Azrael (Feb 7, 2012)

Seems like she's thinking that you only like her for her fat.
You need to at least prove to her that you like her, FOR HER.
That will probably include supporting her on her weight loss and being there for her in tough times.

If she still thinks that you only like her for her fat then...there's really nothing else you can pretty much do.
You can't fix a self esteem issue, you just need to be supportive.


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## AmazingAmy (Feb 7, 2012)

If you feel powerless to improve her perspective, that's because you are. All you can do is be there for her when she needs someone, and to be positive and patient. Beyond that, her esteem issues are outside of your control; you don't have to hold yourself responsible for them. Poor self-image is horribly depressing and destructive, but ultimately she's the only one who can help herself.


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## joswitch (Feb 7, 2012)

It depends on the girl.
Yes, if a girl thinks being fat is really bad, she may take your FAness as a negative.
If she is indifferent to or is happy being fat, she may take your FAness as a positive.
YMMV.

Sounds like your gf is taking it as a negative. That doesn't bode well. Good luck to you both.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 7, 2012)

I thought dating an FA would make all my confidence issues go away but it didn't. I still wondered if I was the right shape, or the right size, or if I was big enough. Dating non-FAs didn't do it either.. I worried if I was too fat, if my stretchmarks were an issue, if they would like me more if I was thin. It has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with the fact that women are taught from day one to be unhappy with their bodies and to look for approval in the form of men finding them attractive. The only way for you to help her with it is to prove to you that you like HER, not that you like thin women or fat women or black or white or tall or short or pear or apple or whatever other arbitrary physical characteristic you can name. Prove that you love her as a person, including the way she looks, and you may have a chance at changing her mind.


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## S13Drifter (Feb 7, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> The only way for you to help her with it is to prove to you that you like HER, not that you like thin women or fat women or black or white or tall or short or pear or apple or whatever other arbitrary physical characteristic you can name. Prove that you love her as a person, including the way she looks, and you may have a chance at changing her mind.



True words, one of the reasons my last gf dumped me is because she thought I was ONLY with her for body. She knew I was an FA but she never really said anything on the matter till we were fighting. I tired to show her that she meant more to me but for me it was too late. Being honest with myself she did have self image problems and low self esteem, even though I tried to boost them. Some times things work, and other times they dont. 

On another note, unless I meet someone from a place like dims, I'm keeping my FA'ness a bit quite. I was talking to this one girl I know and I brought up the term "bbw" asking is she knew what it meant, she did and then I asked about "FA". She did not like that term at all, she told me that she dated a few FA,s and she felt like they were only with her for her body. She felt objectified and that's no way to have a relationship. Bringing up that term might have just killed my chances with her, not sure but still haven't heard from her. There another way to think about this, if I date a 300 pound girl just because shes 300 pounds then I am no better than the guy who goes to clubs to pick up the 85 pound club rat. You should find the girl on an intellectual level first then if shes a bbw add that as a plus. If shes like almost every girl out there and has issues about herself you dont have to be a FA to call a girl BEAUTIFUL, at any size!


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## joswitch (Feb 7, 2012)

@S13 - Yeah, because people who date thin girls always begin successful relationships with them by relating to them on an intellectual level first. :doh:
You're right about this though, never use the word "FA" outside the internet. 

@Bellyluver - Whatever you do don't beat yourself up about being attracted to who you're attracted to - that'll fuck with your head.
And don't count on her changing her mind, even if you make it clear you love ALL of her - body and mind... If SHE doesn't love all of her, she'll probably be freaked out that you do. That is NOT your fault and there's pretty much sweet f.a. you can do to change it. So go easy on yourself.


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## bellyluver (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanx everyone it\'s just as you guys sa


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## bellyluver (Feb 8, 2012)

Thanx guys it\'s just as most of u said I mean I try to tell her I like her for because who she is I do I mean sexual attraction is base it\'s not the reason I like her. She just seems to get down on herself alot and I\'m just trying to help. I mean I know she doesn\'t like compliments but I just wish she could see what I see. I\'m even willing to help her loose weight if that\'ll help but I guess that might be confusing because she knows I like her just the way she is. She tells me she just feels out of place and disgusting it herts me to have her feel that way about herself.


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## imaginarydiva21 (Feb 8, 2012)

*from past experiances of dating FA as much as they tried to help with my confidance and like what they saw it also highlighted the areas as thats what they would concentrate on and when your having a hideous day or someone takes the piss out of you for being fat you kind of push the person who likes you away because you think hang on why would they like you it sounds like confidance issues and untill she finds confidance the circle will carry on spinning :bounce:*


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## bigmac (Feb 8, 2012)

joswitch said:


> ...
> 
> Yes, if a girl thinks being fat is really bad, she may take your FAness as a negative.
> 
> ...



Agree. Telling such a girl that you like her fat is telling her that what you like about her is the very thing she hates. The cognitive dissonance that results means the relationship is doomed.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Feb 8, 2012)

...And that's why you make sure to find out if she hates being fat before you ask her out.


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## imaginarydiva21 (Feb 8, 2012)

That Guy You Met Once said:


> ...And that's why you m ke sure to find out if she hates being fat before you ask her out.



that wouldnt really help the matter i mean dont get wrong going out with a FA helped me but somtimes you just need more from a guy other than comments like "oh your belly is so nice big and wide it turns me on"

(that was just an example) i know not all guys say the same thing or like the same thing


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## That Guy You Met Once (Feb 8, 2012)

Huh? All I'm saying is that if a someone hates her size, don't date them.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 8, 2012)

That Guy You Met Once said:


> Huh? All I'm saying is that if a someone hates her size, don't date them.



Too much gray area to make a definitive statement like that.


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## Deacone (Feb 8, 2012)

It can go either of two ways to be honest, people who are so ashamed/orwhatever of their body that every FA's comments hurts, or it just makes you feel sexier. Thankfully I don't really give a shit who thinks what of my body, as long as I'm sexy for the one person's opinion I care about


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## musicman (Feb 8, 2012)

bigmac said:


> Agree. Telling such a girl that you like her fat is telling her that what you like about her is the very thing she hates. The cognitive dissonance that results means the relationship is doomed.



I totally agree. Some things are not meant to be. Unless a guy wants a lifetime of pain, he has to learn when to move on. (And I'd give exactly the same advice to a woman who is pursuing the wrong man.)


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## imaginarydiva21 (Feb 8, 2012)

why should a relationship just be based on size obviously she has other good points that he likes about her so what would it matter if she wanted to be smaller or bigger it wouldnt make the relationship doomed unless thats the only reason he got with her in the first place then how could anyone have a raltionship


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## The Orange Mage (Feb 9, 2012)

Every time one of these threads pops up about some guy's girlfriend either hating being fat or losing weight or whatever I just want to throw my hands up and tell him to just get it over, come out as a feeder, and find a goddamn feedee.


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## Deacone (Feb 9, 2012)

The Orange Mage said:


> Every time one of these threads pops up about some guy's girlfriend either hating being fat or losing weight or whatever I just want to throw my hands up and tell him to just get it over, come out as a feeder, and find a goddamn feedee.



Agreed! I would give you rep for this but it won't allow me. Someone go give him rep for me?


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## S13Drifter (Feb 9, 2012)

The Orange Mage said:


> and find a goddamn feedee.



Its really not that hard except that part....


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## musicman (Feb 9, 2012)

The Orange Mage said:


> Every time one of these threads pops up about some guy's girlfriend either hating being fat or losing weight or whatever I just want to throw my hands up and tell him to just get it over, come out as a feeder, and find a goddamn feedee.



Your simplistic world-view is an insult to the OP and his dilemma. This isn't about feeders and you know it. This is about whether the OP's relationship can be saved. Some say yes, while others say no. Polemics do nothing to help him.


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## spiritangel (Feb 9, 2012)

Instead of focusing on her fat and size tell her the other things you love about her, as a woman we want to be loved mind body and spirit

if someone is just fixated on one aspect of who we are (actually am sure some men would feel this way as well) it becomes a burden of but what if that changes will they not love me anymore

never forget while you are being positive about her size she is hearing from pretty much everyone she knows and the media that she is an evil fatty

the only way that will change is that she either changes her size or works on her self esteem. Whilst you can help her in some ways. Focusing on just her size is actually counter productive. 

Just my few random thoughts


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## joswitch (Feb 9, 2012)

imaginarydiva21 said:


> why should a relationship just be based on size obviously she has other good points that he likes about her so what would it matter if she wanted to be smaller or bigger it wouldnt make the relationship doomed unless thats the only reason he got with her in the first place then how could anyone have a raltionship



Would you have a relationship with a short man? Shorter than you? How about a really, really short guy like Wee Man off Jackass, (but not famous).

How about a guy with a giant bushy beard?

What about a bald man?

How about a guy with huge ears and an odd face, like Martin Clunes?

How about someone who was born a physical woman, but in their heart and soul felt they were a man? Or vice versa.

What if you started a relationship with a man you were very attracted to and he told you he hated the things about himself that you found attractive, and then he changed all those things to the opposite - things you don't find attractive. Don't you think that'd be a problem for you?

The point is that: everybody has certain physical things that they are attracted to, and other physical things that turn them off. The physical things are a big part of sexual attraction, they are also what you can see when you first meet one another. 

You only find out later whether or not the person is likeable/compatible personality wise. You can get on very well with someone personality wise, but not find them at all physically attractive - i.e. you're just friends. 

Obviously, most people choose to date people they are physically attracted to. This is only really a problem for FAs and people who find themselves dating closeted trans people, and people with body dysmorphic disorders. Pretty much no-one else (that I can think of) has to deal with the issue that the person they are attracted to hates their own body and wants to radically change it. This is a nightmare scenario for anyone in that situation. I know, because I've been through it.

We are not brains in a jar. Humans are physical people, and wanting to date someone you're attracted to is not wrong, it's an essential part of a healthy, adult, sexual relationship. If you want relationships where the physical side of things doesn't matter - stick to platonic friendships.


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## imaginarydiva21 (Feb 9, 2012)

joswitch said:


> Would you have a relationship with a short man? Shorter than you? How about a really, really short guy like Wee Man off Jackass, (but not famous).
> 
> How about a guy with a giant bushy beard?
> 
> ...



But the person who started this post even tho he likes bigger women he has clearly stated thats not the only thing he likes about her and yes attraction is important i was just making comment on this guys situation and trying to give a big girls opinion on the situation everybody has somthing they hate about themselves fact just because someone else likes that part doesnt mean you have too


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## LovelyLiz (Feb 9, 2012)

Given that the OP said he's willing to help her lose weight, I think the issue is more her constant self-hatred than her potential weight loss.

So, Joswitch, I would say that your issues and the OP's are not one in the same.


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## joswitch (Feb 9, 2012)

mcbeth said:


> Given that the OP said he's willing to help her lose weight, I think the issue is more her constant self-hatred than her potential weight loss.
> 
> So, Joswitch, I would say that your issues and the OP's are not one in the same.



Perhaps not identical, but it's quite clear that her distress with her own body is causing him to suffer emotionally too, e.g. he is worried that his (expression of) attraction is clashing with her body-hatred.

He is yet to experience what it feels like to not be able to share a meal with someone you love* (because they basically don't eat - no really, true story), nor what it feels like when someone you desire and care for is vanishing by inches. Until I experienced that^ I had no idea how painful that would be. Maybe those things won't cause deeply conflicting feelings and worry for him. Let's hope not.

Good luck to him and his gf, I hope they find happiness one way or another, together or apart.


(*Even if you're not a feeder, this is a significant omission. Sharing food / hospitality is a deeply ingrained part of human behaviour. The etymology of "company" literally "with bread", implies eating together.)


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## bellyluver (Feb 10, 2012)

\"joswitch\" said:


> Perhaps not identical, but it\'s quite clear that her distress with her own body is causing him to suffer emotionally too, e.g. he is worried that his (expression of) attraction is clashing with her body-hatred.
> 
> He is yet to experience what it feels like to not be able to share a meal with someone you love* (because they basically don\'t eat - no really, true story), nor what it feels like when someone you desire and care for is vanishing by inches. Until I experienced that^ I had no idea how painful that would be. Maybe those things won\'t cause deeply conflicting feelings and worry for him. Let\'s hope not.
> 
> ...



Very well put u and mcbeth are both right. I mean shore I don\'t know what conflicting feelings I might have when she looses weight but it\'s just the fact that her body depresses her which distresses me. I tell her ho much I love her for her and not just her body but her body is a factor in her personal unhappiness and depresses her. I want her to be happy because when she\'s happy I\'m happy but it feels like she\'s unmotivated to do anything about her body because she knows I like her fat and doesn\'t want to be unattractive to me I guess. It\'s a paradox l mean I try to make her feel good about her body and it makes her feel the opposite and not only that it also makes her feel that she has to stay that way.


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## Tracyarts (Feb 10, 2012)

" if someone is just fixated on one aspect of who we are (actually am sure some men would feel this way as well) it becomes a burden of but what if that changes will they not love me anymore "

Exactly.

Attention and admiration can really feel like scrutiny when it's continually focused on one aspect of our being. And over time, it can make you question whether the rest of who you are even matters or if that one thing is keeping your partner interested. And I can tell you that from personal experience that goes beyond physical characteristics, so it can be something completely non-body related and still make you feel that way.

Tracy


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## imaginarydiva21 (Feb 10, 2012)

Tracyarts said:


> " if someone is just fixated on one aspect of who we are (actually am sure some men would feel this way as well) it becomes a burden of but what if that changes will they not love me anymore "
> 
> Exactly.
> 
> ...




think you just summed it up perfectly


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## musicman (Feb 11, 2012)

mcbeth said:


> Given that the OP said he's willing to help her lose weight, I think the issue is more her constant self-hatred than her potential weight loss.
> 
> So, Joswitch, I would say that your issues and the OP's are not one in the same.




I can't speak for Joswitch, but to me, it IS the same. The self-hate is the underlying problem, coupled with the futility you feel when you can't make her feel better about herself. You love her deeply, and yet NOTHING you do or say can counter the body-hate. The potential weight loss is really a secondary issue. And if she actually does lose weight, and you see that it doesn't fix her self-hate, you feel even worse. You quickly lose most of your own self-confidence. I went through this for 8 years with my first wife, and I know that many others here have lived through the same hell.

The reason I am so quick to tell FAs to move on is simple: I want them to see that they have options. It's like telling a a woman to leave an abusive man. Before anyone goes off on me, I KNOW that most FAs are not in danger of injury or death from their fat girlfriends. But I see parallels in the psychology. I want FAs to know they can do better. I want FAs to know that there are happy confident fat women out there. You DON'T have to settle for someone who has the potential to cripple you emotionally and make your life a living hell.

Maybe the OP isn't in this exact situation, or maybe he is. We don't know enough to say. Many of the women posting in this thread are giving him good advice. But I still want him to consider his options.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 11, 2012)

Okay.. what I don't understand about this is that the OP is taking a random chick off the street who knows nothing about FAs or the community or size acceptance and tells her he likes her big.. that's going to be a shock, right? And then when she doesn't come around right away and say YAYAYAYAYAYAY BEING FAT, you tell him to consider dumping her? Are you serious? So their relationship of how many ever months is supposed to immediately counteract the decade(s) of fat hate she's experienced by simply living in our society? It's pretty narcissistic to expect that just because you say fat is okay she is going to automatically agree and believe it wholeheartedly, honestly. I mean considering most fat people experience negative comments from friends, family, coworkers, strangers on the street their entire lives etc. etc. Suddenly, you show up and tell her how it's going to be and she's supposed to be on board? And if not, she's gone? 

Plus, seriously, has anyone ever met anyone that didn't have some level of self conscious about something? If you have.. point me in their direction because I'd like to meet this perfect individual. Everyone has baggage, everyone fights their own demons, because no one gets through this life unscathed by other peoples opinions and criticism. No one. 

If you refuse to deal with someones self esteem issues, then find a woman who you know is okay with being fat off the bat.. don't waste your time (and the time of the other person) pursuing someone who have self esteem issues (or MAY, if it can't be confirmed) and then get upset when you can't change her mind and leave her. 

I also will never understand leaving someone for losing weight. Physical attraction is important up to a certain point, but a relationship has to be about more than that if it's going to have any kind of longevity. If the guy I'm in love with decided to lose or gain 100 pounds, or he dyed his hair blonde, or hell even if his teeth started falling out.. I would still be absolutely in love with who he is as a person. I would be disappointed, and certainly less attracted, but I can't imagine being so turned off by whatever physical characteristic that I decided to leave him. It just wouldn't happen.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt that way because that kind of relationship is fucking doomed anyway. Relationships based solely on physical attraction are fragile because you're never going to look EXACTLY like you do at this moment. 

I know I'm rambling but just some random thoughts.


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## LordQuas (Feb 11, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> Okay.. what I don't understand about this is that the OP is taking a random chick off the street who knows nothing about FAs or the community or size acceptance and tells her he likes her big.. that's going to be a shock, right? And then when she doesn't come around right away and say YAYAYAYAYAYAY BEING FAT, you tell him to consider dumping her? Are you serious? So their relationship of how many ever months is supposed to immediately counteract the decade(s) of fat hate she's experienced by simply living in our society? It's pretty narcissistic to expect that just because you say fat is okay she is going to automatically agree and believe it wholeheartedly, honestly. I mean considering most fat people experience negative comments from friends, family, coworkers, strangers on the street their entire lives etc. etc. Suddenly, you show up and tell her how it's going to be and she's supposed to be on board? And if not, she's gone?
> 
> Plus, seriously, has anyone ever met anyone that didn't have some level of self conscious about something? If you have.. point me in their direction because I'd like to meet this perfect individual. Everyone has baggage, everyone fights their own demons, because no one gets through this life unscathed by other peoples opinions and criticism. No one.
> 
> ...



Lol way to make him feel welcome to Dims


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## joswitch (Feb 11, 2012)

Really can't be arsed to go through these issues at length again, but: 

Yeah, musicman you're right there's an emotional component to all of this. As to "injury" - well I got a worry / empathy induced !ulcer! (for the first time ever). In the irrational core of myself it *felt* like my gf was wasting away/seriously ill as she lost so much so fast. Sleepless nights, and all that. It fucked me up. I kept hanging on until it got really bad, because everything else about her and the relationship was great, even though we'd only been together a few months, we were in love and I wasn't about to bin that lightly.

I went into that relationship thinking of my sexuality as a positive thing, one of the best parts of me, that in the past had brought a lot of joy to my gfs - which it did for her, during the LTR. Afterwards, that my orientation was a key part of the painful breakup, means that - to date - I have only been able to see it as an ambivalent force at best. Sad times.  At least the ulcer healed up. Feels like I'm starting to GTFOI now, going away to Spain helped.

No, I'm not expecting any sympathy at all from any one on here (quite the reverse in my experience of DIMs). Tiny violins etc. 

At least my ex got over the breakup pretty quick and, like all my exLTR-gfs, has gone on to make a fairly happy life for herself. 


^So thatgirl08, it's not just about physical *attraction* per se. It's about emotions.

Also, it's been mentioned before, but there's a huge difference in how it *feels* when your lover changes slowly, slightly, involuntarily vs. quickly, drastically, deliberately. 

And I'm wiling to bet that you're yet to be in an affair with a lover who does deliberately put themselves through a rapid change that runs counter to your orientation, so you don't really know how you'd feel in that situation.
You're probably less likely to have this^ happen to you than a man anyway, given that a lot of the basics that attract many/most women to men are set/generally unchangeable characteristics anyway e.g. height.
(Yes, I know, YMMV, Not All Women Are Like That. Hence "most".)

Anyway, wtf, here's hoping people find other people who they're compatible with, get some peace, love and happiness and all that jazz. Keep keeping on people, and try not to let the hard knocks get you down too much.


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## CastingPearls (Feb 11, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> Okay.. what I don't understand about this is that the OP is taking a random chick off the street who knows nothing about FAs or the community or size acceptance and tells her he likes her big.. that's going to be a shock, right? And then when she doesn't come around right away and say YAYAYAYAYAYAY BEING FAT, you tell him to consider dumping her? Are you serious? So their relationship of how many ever months is supposed to immediately counteract the decade(s) of fat hate she's experienced by simply living in our society? It's pretty narcissistic to expect that just because you say fat is okay she is going to automatically agree and believe it wholeheartedly, honestly. I mean considering most fat people experience negative comments from friends, family, coworkers, strangers on the street their entire lives etc. etc. Suddenly, you show up and tell her how it's going to be and she's supposed to be on board? And if not, she's gone?
> 
> Plus, seriously, has anyone ever met anyone that didn't have some level of self conscious about something? If you have.. point me in their direction because I'd like to meet this perfect individual. Everyone has baggage, everyone fights their own demons, because no one gets through this life unscathed by other peoples opinions and criticism. No one.
> 
> ...


Not rambling at all. You're pretty much on the money here.


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## bellyluver (Feb 12, 2012)

\"thatgirl08\" said:


> Okay.. what I don\'t understand about this is that the OP is taking a random chick off the street who knows nothing about FAs or the community or size acceptance and tells her he likes her big.. that\'s going to be a shock, right? And then when she doesn\'t come around right away and say YAYAYAYAYAYAY BEING FAT, you tell him to consider dumping her? Are you serious? So their relationship of how many ever months is supposed to immediately counteract the decade(s) of fat hate she\'s experienced by simply living in our society? It\'s pretty narcissistic to expect that just because you say fat is okay she is going to automatically agree and believe it wholeheartedly, honestly. I mean considering most fat people experience negative comments from friends, family, coworkers, strangers on the street their entire lives etc. etc. Suddenly, you show up and tell her how it\'s going to be and she\'s supposed to be on board? And if not, she\'s gone?
> 
> Plus, seriously, has anyone ever met anyone that didn\'t have some level of self conscious about something? If you have.. point me in their direction because I\'d like to meet this perfect individual. Everyone has baggage, everyone fights their own demons, because no one gets through this life unscathed by other peoples opinions and criticism. No one.
> 
> ...



Wow.... You\'ve takken me the absolute wrong way. It\'s been years since I told her I was an FA and The whole shebang. I never said if she looses weight I\'d leave her I actually offer to help I was just stating maybe I might be a lil less attracted to but I really don\'t know. I\'ve never told her I\'d be less attracted to her if she lost weight and I tell all the time I like her for who she is. Its not my attraction that I\'m addressing I\'m just asking is theres anything that might help her perception of herself u can tell being fat and her body depresses her personally and me liking her like that discourages her from changing her body no matter how much I say that it her that I love and not her fat. Do you understand now it\'s been a long time I\'m just trying to help her with her depression but my just being an FA isn\'t helping. Fat or stick thin (hopefully she whould be satisfied a lil before then lol ) shell still be her but it\'s like any other person they don\'t want to be un atteactive to the person they love. I feel like being an FA always her to just sit back be fat and continue to hate herself I mean she\'s not motivated as it might be dificult you know. Are u guys saying that I should just let her deal. Watch her depressed every other day because she finds herself Discusting. It\'s not outside influence from what I kno of it\'s how she feels of herself. Sell talk to me about how fat she is its so discusting and stuff like that u can see she\'s depressed. I feel complaments work in reverse and I\'m at a loss for what to do to help her.


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## joswitch (Feb 12, 2012)

bellyluver said:


> Wow.... You\'ve takken me the absolute wrong way. It\'s been years since I told her I was an FA and The whole shebang. I never said if she looses weight I\'d leave her I actually offer to help I was just stating maybe I might be a lil less attracted to but I really don\'t know. I\'ve never told her I\'d be less attracted to her if she lost weight and I tell all the time I like her for who she is. Its not my attraction that I\'m addressing I\'m just asking is theres anything that might help her perception of herself u can tell being fat and her body depresses her personally and me liking her like that discourages her from changing her body no matter how much I say that it her that I love and not her fat. Do you understand now it\'s been a long time I\'m just trying to help her with her depression but my just being an FA isn\'t helping. Fat or stick thin (hopefully she whould be satisfied a lil before then lol ) shell still be her but it\'s like any other person they don\'t want to be un atteactive to the person they love. I feel like being an FA always her to just sit back be fat and continue to hate herself I mean she\'s not motivated as it might be dificult you know. Are u guys saying that I should just let her deal. Watch her depressed every other day because she finds herself Discusting. It\'s not outside influence from what I kno of it\'s how she feels of herself. Sell talk to me about how fat she is its so discusting and stuff like that u can see she\'s depressed. I feel complaments work in reverse and I\'m at a loss for what to do to help her.



First, stop blaming yourself. Whether she is fat or thin, loves her body or hates it, is not your fault. At all. FA or not. She's a grown up, it's her body and she makes her own choices. Chances are that whoever she was with, she'd probably be in exactly the same state. Or fatter. It's one of those ironies that there are plenty of women who are fat/get fat(ter) with a Thin Admirer bf/husband. 

It's a tough thing to realise, but you cannot make someone else happy if they are miserable in themselves. Love her, treat her decently, do stuff together you both enjoy, that's about all you can do. 

If fat compliments upset her, keep your compliments general.


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## Shan34 (Feb 12, 2012)

My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation and is not easily remedied, more so by you. Only she can change the way she feels about herself. Do you think that she would be willing to participate on a board such as Dims? I know that this site has helped me and many more women to realize that they are beautiful and desirable. There are stages to acceptance and eventually, in the end, hopefully she will learn to love herself just as she is.

Wishing you the best!


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## Forgotten_Futures (Feb 12, 2012)

joswitch said:


> Would you have a relationship with a short man? Shorter than you? How about a really, really short guy like Wee Man off Jackass, (but not famous).
> 
> How about a guy with a giant bushy beard?
> 
> ...



Damn, won't let me rep you.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 12, 2012)

LordQuas said:


> Lol way to make him feel welcome to Dims



Not my job.



joswitch said:


> ^So thatgirl08, it's not just about physical *attraction* per se. It's about emotions.
> 
> Also, it's been mentioned before, but there's a huge difference in how it *feels* when your lover changes slowly, slightly, involuntarily vs. quickly, drastically, deliberately.
> 
> ...



I understand the emotional aspect in this sense: if someone says they are confident and happy being fat and then randomly after 2 years change their mind and lose weight, I can see how you may feel betrayed. However, if someone is fat and doesn't like being fat up front, and remains anti-fat throughout the relationship, I don't get it. You got yourself into that situation, and why? Because you thought you could change her? And then if she doesn't swallow that, then something is wrong with her? And you can do better? I don't get it.



bellyluver said:


> Wow.... You\'ve takken me the absolute wrong way. It\'s been years since I told her I was an FA and The whole shebang. I never said if she looses weight I\'d leave her I actually offer to help I was just stating maybe I might be a lil less attracted to but I really don\'t know. I\'ve never told her I\'d be less attracted to her if she lost weight and I tell all the time I like her for who she is. Its not my attraction that I\'m addressing I\'m just asking is theres anything that might help her perception of herself u can tell being fat and her body depresses her personally and me liking her like that discourages her from changing her body no matter how much I say that it her that I love and not her fat. Do you understand now it\'s been a long time I\'m just trying to help her with her depression but my just being an FA isn\'t helping. Fat or stick thin (hopefully she whould be satisfied a lil before then lol ) shell still be her but it\'s like any other person they don\'t want to be un atteactive to the person they love. I feel like being an FA always her to just sit back be fat and continue to hate herself I mean she\'s not motivated as it might be dificult you know. Are u guys saying that I should just let her deal. Watch her depressed every other day because she finds herself Discusting. It\'s not outside influence from what I kno of it\'s how she feels of herself. Sell talk to me about how fat she is its so discusting and stuff like that u can see she\'s depressed. I feel complaments work in reverse and I\'m at a loss for what to do to help her.



I'm sorry my post was not directed specifically at you but rather joswitch and a few other guys that posted in the thread earlier. I should've been more specific. One thing though, when you say it's not from outside influence, I have to question that .. everyone faces fat discrimination and I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't have faced it at some point in her life. She probably feels that way, at least in part, because society says she should.


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## joswitch (Feb 12, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> Not my job.
> 
> 
> 
> I understand the emotional aspect in this sense: if someone says they are confident and happy being fat and then randomly after 2 years change their mind and lose weight, I can see how you may feel betrayed.



Not "betrayed". 
Sad, very worried and very, very internally conflicted. 
Knotted up inside. At-a-loss. Filled with (self) doubt. All around fucked up. etc. etc.



> However, if someone is fat and doesn't like being fat up front, and remains anti-fat throughout the relationship, I don't get it. You got yourself into that situation, and why? Because you thought you could change her? And then if she doesn't swallow that, then something is wrong with her? And you can do better? I don't get it.



Well, I got into it because she's beautiful and a cool person, as well as being hot, and I really liked her. We'd met and kissed years before and it was all kinds of good. She was a BBW then, had been fat for years before and was still fat when we finally got together. 
She down-played her fat dislike early on and I had no real idea how far she would actually go with her plans, because hey who knows everything when you first start dating someone? And so we took the chance, gambled that things would work out one way or another. 
From my POV - Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal for her? Maybe she'd get sick of starving herself and say "Fuck it! that's enough!" after 20, 30 or 40lbs? (One LTR BBW gf I had dated for 3years had gone up and down within that range and it hadn't been an issue for me, at all) Maybe she might feel differently after dating me for a while? (other gfs had said they'd felt more comfortable with their bodies after dating me) Maybe, maybe not.

By the time it became clear how transformatively far she was determined to go (120lbs+ loss) we were in love, and the whole thing was wrecking me inside. Sad story. C'est la vie. Take no chances, watch life pass you by. :shrug:



> I'm sorry my post was not directed specifically at you but rather joswitch and a few other guys that posted in the thread earlier. I should've been more specific. One thing though, when you say it's not from outside influence, I have to question that .. everyone faces fat discrimination and I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't have faced it at some point in her life. She probably feels that way, at least in part, because society says she should.


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## S13Drifter (Feb 12, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> Not my job.
> 
> 
> 
> I understand the emotional aspect in this sense: if someone says they are confident and happy being fat and then randomly after 2 years change their mind and lose weight, I can see how you may feel betrayed. However, if someone is fat and doesn't like being fat up front, and remains anti-fat throughout the relationship, I don't get it. You got yourself into that situation, and why? Because you thought you could change her? And then if she doesn't swallow that, then something is wrong with her? And you can do better? I don't get it.



Men are taught that were are not supposed to be just skin deep. If we find a girl that mentally is really cool and has a lot of the same interest as us then we look past their looks. Plus when you are with someone long enough you grow to love them as they are, even if they are not your ideal image of a mate. Its the little stuff that they say and do you learn to love and then that suddenly ends or changed its killer to our hearts. I can somewhat understand where joswitch is coming from, my ex was too small for me and my friends even made that comment! However there was a lot more to her that I liked and loved, things that would make me think I could spend a really long time with her. In the end she used my being a FA as a reason to end the relationship, It made me feel really good that I just spend 2 years with a girl who I was planning on asking to marry me, to be shot out of the sky just because of something trivial like how she looks. As much as it doesnt look like it here around dims, but a lot of guys do want more than skin deep from a woman.


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## ConnieLynn (Feb 13, 2012)

We are all responsible for our own happiness.


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## ampleampleample (Feb 13, 2012)

Chasing a woman for her looks is like eating a bird because you like the way it sings. Just sayin.


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## JSmirkingRevenge (Feb 14, 2012)

to the OP... like a few have already said, if she is uncomfortable with her size and is already aware that, despite her own issues with it, YOU enjoy it... then maybe back off a little on making your compliments to her weight specific. find some other things to compliment her about (her hair, eyes, her laugh, etc) and focus on those for a while. 

speaking from personal experience, hearing a lot of compliments from someone all of a sudden when you aren't used to hearing any at ALL... can be just as awkward and make you feel just as self conscious (fucked up, i know) as someone saying hurtful things to you. for me, it was more about the attention than what they were actually saying. attention had always been negative, and therefore negative feelings always came along with receiving attention as like a default reaction. i've worked past that now, but i can certainly relate to such situations.


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## LordQuas (Feb 17, 2012)

Wait a minute.....now the OP is getting killed for choosing to date a woman for more than her body and how she felt about it? THIS is what I meant by making him feel welcome. Too many chicks dont seem happy unless theyre able to shoot down some evil man for someone making a fat chick hate herself. Stop trying to give this guy advice when you know you're far too bitter so see things remotely objectively.


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## liz (di-va) (Feb 17, 2012)

bellyluver said:


> Recently I\'ve began to feel like my girlfriends knowledge of my preference tends to over look my adoration for \"of corse u do because you like fat girls kind of thing\". You see my gf dislikes her Body a great deal and I try but nothing I say or do seams to help much. It\'s like a rubble edged sword I offer to help her loose weight but the fact that I like her the way she is seams to slow that ball from Rowling. It\'s like she thinks I only like her body because it\'s fat. I feel the attention I show her only goes to reenforce the fact that she is fat witch in tern worsens the depression it\'s a viscous cycle. Is there anyone out there that has gone through this and knows any way I can help my gf to become more comfortable withe her body



I'm really sorry that she feels like that. Esp if it's been years.

The sucky thing is that I don't know what you can do about it yourself. There are a lot of threads like this on Dims and what they usually seem to boil down to is that people have to find their own way out of body hate.

The only advice I'd give is to step lightly, make sure she knows you love her no matter what, and don't get too involved in weight loss attempts or anything else, especially because those can be kind of all over the place. If she hasn't run into the idea of size acceptance before, maybe you can kind of mention it carefully, easily, in the spirit of that whatever happens that's still a good thing to know about.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 18, 2012)

S13Drifter said:


> Men are taught that were are not supposed to be just skin deep. If we find a girl that mentally is really cool and has a lot of the same interest as us then we look past their looks. Plus when you are with someone long enough you grow to love them as they are, even if they are not your ideal image of a mate. Its the little stuff that they say and do you learn to love and then that suddenly ends or changed its killer to our hearts. I can somewhat understand where joswitch is coming from, my ex was too small for me and my friends even made that comment! However there was a lot more to her that I liked and loved, things that would make me think I could spend a really long time with her. In the end she used my being a FA as a reason to end the relationship, It made me feel really good that I just spend 2 years with a girl who I was planning on asking to marry me, to be shot out of the sky just because of something trivial like how she looks. As much as it doesnt look like it here around dims, but a lot of guys do want more than skin deep from a woman.



Okay, but shouldn't being "mentally cool" include NOT hating themselves fat IF that's a big issue for you? I'm just saying if it's a good enough reason to break up, it's a good enough reason to not get in the relationship in the first place.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 18, 2012)

LordQuas said:


> Wait a minute.....now the OP is getting killed for choosing to date a woman for more than her body and how she felt about it? THIS is what I meant by making him feel welcome. Too many chicks dont seem happy unless theyre able to shoot down some evil man for someone making a fat chick hate herself. Stop trying to give this guy advice when you know you're far too bitter so see things remotely objectively.



Speaking of people who seem a little bitter..


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## Fat Brian (Feb 18, 2012)

thatgirl08 said:


> Okay, but shouldn't being "mentally cool" include NOT hating themselves fat IF that's a big issue for you? I'm just saying if it's a good enough reason to break up, it's a good enough reason to not get in the relationship in the first place.



It's not always possible to tell the depths of someones selfhatred right up front. Sometimes it takes a while before you realize that their mind cannot be changed about their appearance.


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## CastingPearls (Feb 18, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> It's not always possible to tell the depths of someones selfhatred right up front. Sometimes it takes a while before you realize that their mind cannot be changed about their appearance.


Sometimes it takes years of knowing someone to realize they hate themselves.


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## Fat Brian (Feb 18, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> Sometimes it takes years of knowing someone to realize they hate themselves.



Thats the problem a lot of FAs find themselves in, they've invested a lot of years in a relationship and they love the person they are with but they can never come to terms with their partners self hate. You end up in a situation where you can't fully be yourself but you don't want to end it because there are so many feelings involved.


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## CastingPearls (Feb 18, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> Thats the problem a lot of FAs find themselves in, they've invested a lot of years in a relationship and they love the person they are with but they can never come to terms with their partners self hate.


I know. It can happen with BBWs who are with FAs too, sweetie.


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## Fat Brian (Feb 18, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> I know. It can happen with BBWs who are with FAs too, sweetie.



I wasn't trying to be exclusionary, FFAs of all sizes can find themselves in the same type of situation.


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## CastingPearls (Feb 18, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> I wasn't trying to be exclusionary, FFAs of all sizes can find themselves in the same type of situation.


I didn't think you were exclusionary at all. Some people hate themselves, not because of their size or weight, but because of their beliefs or preferences, and that includes FAs who are deeply conflicted about their attraction to BBWs to the point of self-hatred.


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## thatgirl08 (Feb 20, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> It's not always possible to tell the depths of someones selfhatred right up front. Sometimes it takes a while before you realize that their mind cannot be changed about their appearance.



I think it's fair to say that within a month of knowing someone intimately you have a fairly good idea of their confidence level. You may not know the depths, per say, but I think it's fair to say that you'll know if someone is unhappy with their appearance in general. It's one of those things that presents itself almost immediately in romantic/sexual interactions between two people. 

Also, the problem with your second sentence is this.. why are you even trying to change anyone in the first place? Going into a relationship expecting or hoping that the person is going to change in a way that is favorable to you is foolish and unfair to the other person. Of course we hope that we can impact and change our significant other for the better, but why would you go into a relationship expecting to do so? If the person is not up to your standards when you meet, then why not let it go and find someone who is more compatible with what you're looking for? I'll literally never understand this, and this is not community specific by any means, but I find it baffling almost. The part that really kills me is like.. let's say this person is 30 years old, and you've been dating for 6 months.. do you really think that you're so wonderful that whatever it is you want them to think/do they're going to automatically swallow after their previous 30 years of doing the opposite? Like if someone hates their appearance for 30 years and you've been around for a couple months telling them that you think they're attractive, do you really think that's enough? It's a process for all of us and one FA telling you fat is okay is not going to automatically invalidate literally decades of everyone else you've ever known telling you otherwise.


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## Mishty (Feb 20, 2012)

LordQuas said:


> Lol way to make him feel welcome to Dims



Hey, um in case no one told you: 

Welcome to *DIMENSIONS*,we hope you enjoy your visit,feel free to let anyone know when they aren't being friendly enough for you.

Thanks!

_The Dimensions Welcoming Committee_


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## The Orange Mage (Feb 21, 2012)

S13Drifter said:


> Its really not that hard except that part....



That, my friend, is why God invented the aeroplane.


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## GordoNegro (Feb 21, 2012)

bellyluver said:


> Recently I\'ve began to feel like my girlfriends knowledge of my preference tends to over look my adoration for \"of corse u do because you like fat girls kind of thing\". You see my gf dislikes her Body a great deal and I try but nothing I say or do seams to help much. It\'s like a rubble edged sword I offer to help her loose weight but the fact that I like her the way she is seams to slow that ball from Rowling. It\'s like she thinks I only like her body because it\'s fat. I feel the attention I show her only goes to reenforce the fact that she is fat witch in tern worsens the depression it\'s a viscous cycle. Is there anyone out there that has gone through this and knows any way I can help my gf to become more comfortable withe her body



This took me back 18 yrs ago, where as an FA I thought i could 'MAKE' my miserable ex ssbbw gf, feel beautiful about herself; by showing how true my feelings were, if she only knew what I knew, saw what I have seen etc.
Needless to say, I became the 'enemy' who was 'holding her back' from being 'happy' so she distanced herself and had the surgery.
I never got to see her afterwards, as I did miss her and her son but accepted it was for the best and a learning experience.
You can't force or make a WOMAN feel anything, that she does not allow herself to feel/experience. 
If you love her more (spending nights alone or feuding from her depression) than to be with someone else, than support her fully and stand by her.
Know full well it wont be an easy road, as when the next bbw/ssbbw walks by the both of you, even if you don't look; she may assume you rather be with that other girl (as you try that much harder to convince her otherwise).

Best of Luck and choose wisely.


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