# little girls and fat bias



## rollhandler (Jan 17, 2010)

Your thoughts on this article.

http://dove.msn.com/?source=msnhp#/...Ellin.aspx[cp-documentid=22617760]/&gt1=25039

Rollhandler


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## Tau (Jan 17, 2010)

So weird, i was thinking of posting a topic about children and fat and how fat mother's handle/deal with their children's weight, but wasn't sure how to word it. I don't have children of my own but I love my niece with every fibre of my being, and I'm her second mommmy pretty much. When she was younger she loved my fatness, she loved my sister's fatness. Now, at age 5, she is learning a hatred of fat that kind of chills me because she certainly is not picking it up at home. 

The incident that got me thinking on this was during the December vac, we were staying at my parents home, and I'd just made her supper. She refused to eat it, it came to a point where she actually cried. When I asked her about the sudden dramatics and water works she said to me that she doesn't want to eat too much in case she gets fat.  I had to fight off the tears. Her mom has body issues, my sister hates her fat, but she doesn't speak about it in front of my niece. The child's diet is healthy, full of fruits and veggies, but also balanced with chocolate cake and ice cream. Food is not a sin in their home, and she is a strong, very slender, healthy, active little girl. Her statement, about not wanting to get fat, shocked me more than i can say because i couldn't understand where she'd picked that sentiment up. Television can only do so much, and I'm hesitant in making it the scape goat here, so where could she have learnt that fat = bad and thin = good? 

So, my question, how do fat mothers answer statements like that? I just want her to grow up healthy, with a real sense of all the beautiful things in the world, even if they aren't a size 6, and I'm not sure how I, as her very fat aunt, should speak to her about this. With children actions certainly speak louder than words, and I try to live and express myself in a way I would want her to live, but words are also necessary to steer children down the right path - and in this case i'm honestly not sure what the words should be.


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## indy500tchr (Jan 17, 2010)

I blame my parents for my horrible body image when I was younger. My mother and father both were obsessed with dieting. They were not really big people. I think dad's highest weight was probably around 250 and mom about the same.

I was taken to my first weight watchers meeting at the age of 7. They did anything and everything for us to loose weight. Bribed us with money, clothes shopping, you name it. It also didn't help that my grandmother was constantly on my mother's case about "her fat daughters".

You can be concerned about the health of your children and help them by cooking healthier foods and positively encouraging them to exercise. Telling them they are not pretty or berating them for being bigger than their friends is not going to make them healthy physically or psychologically.


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## OhLaLaSoSexy (Jan 26, 2010)

This article touched me because i know exactly what shes talking about.
My mom and all the other women in the family are obsessed with dieting and being thin.
Sadly this was passed to me and i honestly remember dieting in 3rd grade. Now when i think back i cringe because i cant even think about putting a 3rd grader on a diet. I remember her glaring at me at family events when i would go for seconds.
My aunt has 2 daughters that are average young healthy girls. She is constantly monitoring what they are eating. Its so sad. I worry about them possibly have an easting disorder when they are older.
Society is so obsessed with being thin.


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## calauria (Feb 1, 2010)

When I was growing up, my dad would pressure my older sister and I to eat a lot of junk food, but would talk about us for eating it and about being fat. He would constantly tell us that we need to lose weight, because no man would want us. And a lot of times he would single me out, had me scared to death, because I had mosquito bites on me that I would scratch into blisters, he would tell me I was diabetic, because I was so fat and the blisters came form being diabetic and he would tell me I would have a heart attack and die..My mom on the other hand, would call us names such as "fat asses", "big oxes", "fat and funky", yell at us to "sit our fat asses down"....the rest of the relatives would call us "big ol healthy girls" ask my parents what they've been feeding us. My parents would laugh at us right along with everyone else. We used to have a neighbor that would say we were the prettiest girls and if we didn't have all that fat on us, we'd have a lot of boyfriends. There has been so many ways I've been abused that I can't even talk about them all. All I know is that most of my life I have been walking around not even feeling human, let alone feeling as if I deserved anything.

I hate when people push weight issues on children.


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## Laura2008 (Feb 2, 2010)

calauria said:


> When I was growing up, my dad would pressure my older sister and I to eat a lot of junk food, but would talk about us for eating it and about being fat. He would constantly tell us that we need to lose weight, because no man would want us. And a lot of times he would single me out, had me scared to death, because I had mosquito bites on me that I would scratch into blisters, he would tell me I was diabetic, because I was so fat and the blisters came form being diabetic and he would tell me I would have a heart attack and die..My mom on the other hand, would call us names such as "fat asses", "big oxes", "fat and funky", yell at us to "sit our fat asses down"....the rest of the relatives would call us "big ol healthy girls" ask my parents what they've been feeding us. My parents would laugh at us right along with everyone else. We used to have a neighbor that would say we were the prettiest girls and if we didn't have all that fat on us, we'd have a lot of boyfriends. There has been so many ways I've been abused that I can't even talk about them all. All I know is that most of my life I have been walking around not even feeling human, let alone feeling as if I deserved anything.
> 
> I hate when people push weight issues on children.



This makes me very sad and angry at the same time. I'm so sorry you had to go through that kind of abuse from people who were supposed to be loving you.


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## lozonloz (Feb 2, 2010)

I think that parents, whatever their good intentions, are going to pass their issues on and fuck you up a little bit. One of my favourite poems is "This be the verse" by Phillip Larkin 

I also think that my parents contributed to the issues I had with my body growing up, but I love my parents deeply and I know they meant well. No-one can be perfect all of the time.

That said, there are a couple of very painful memories regarding my self image as a teen and pre teen I remember. Two examples:

One is when i was 12 years old and by secretly dieting and exercising managed to go down a dress size and fit into a skirt I hadn't worn for a year. I was SO proud of myself, and I felt so GOOD about myself, and I went downstairs in my skirt to make myself breakfast. At which point my father looked up from his newspaper and told me I should only have half a bowl of cereal because I was looking fat.

Needless to say I burst into tears and went back to eating chocolate. 

Another memory is my mother asking for my weight for a family healthcare application, and on being told that at 14 I weighed 16 stone, started screaming at me about it and how she wouldnt be able to get healthcare because of me. I felt guilty about my weight for ages because of that.

I was on CONSTANT diets throughout my teens, none of which made me feel good about myself or lose weight and now, looking back on, I realise all made me severely depressed. I have always been my happiest, when, as I am now, I maintain my weight without trying to change myself and remain happy as I am. I have a theory about dieting which is that unless you are doing it for health reasons dieting is essentially looking at yourself and saying "I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I hate who I am" and repeating that over and over in the hope it will motivate you to change. It's not my cup of tea.

So yes, I do think that upbringing contributes to a negative image of fat and that it's not healthy. My view of myself growing up made me want to eat more comfort food, not lose weight, but some people end up with bulimia and anorexia because they internalise this message that they arent good enough. It worries me.


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## TaniaLilly (Feb 3, 2010)

So I guess I'm replying to this thread tonight because I had a particular moment with my father that made me remember certain things that relate here about my childhood. 

Not that I'd forgotten but I guess it's been a while since he's cut me down in the way that he used to... granted he never really stopped but tonight was a doosy. We have family in Italy and I was talking to a cousin I have over there online who asked when me and my father would be coming to visit because on his last trip down there he promised them he'd bring me. When I asked him what he wanted me to reply he said to me 'If you lose weight' It just made me remember as a child all the things he would tell me I didn't deserve because I was overweight and to this day he still looks at me like I'm the giant disappointment in his life. I think even without words there's a way a parent can look at you that can make you feel lower than ever. He back then and to this day makes me feel like I'm a blemish on his existence. 

But now through dims I'm finally coming to love that I am who I am ... looking in the mirror and checking out my curves this morning :blush: and smiling  was something I'd never done but I think I'm finally seeing the sexy in my fat girl body and I love it ... all I can say is that the Fa's out there have a keen eye for something amazing  and are appreciating girls that have most probably gone through a world of heartache for something that they should have only ever seen as beautiful.

Keep the faith alive my lovely bbw friends 

All the love in the world 

Tania


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## Tau (Feb 4, 2010)

calauria said:


> When I was growing up, my dad would pressure my older sister and I to eat a lot of junk food, but would talk about us for eating it and about being fat. He would constantly tell us that we need to lose weight, because no man would want us. And a lot of times he would single me out, had me scared to death, because I had mosquito bites on me that I would scratch into blisters, he would tell me I was diabetic, because I was so fat and the blisters came form being diabetic and he would tell me I would have a heart attack and die..My mom on the other hand, would call us names such as "fat asses", "big oxes", "fat and funky", yell at us to "sit our fat asses down"....the rest of the relatives would call us "big ol healthy girls" ask my parents what they've been feeding us. My parents would laugh at us right along with everyone else. We used to have a neighbor that would say we were the prettiest girls and if we didn't have all that fat on us, we'd have a lot of boyfriends. There has been so many ways I've been abused that I can't even talk about them all. All I know is that most of my life I have been walking around not even feeling human, let alone feeling as if I deserved anything.
> 
> I hate when people push weight issues on children.



This just broke my heart  So sorry you went through this - no child should ever go through this.


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## Ruffie (Feb 5, 2010)

My mother placed me on my first diet at age 8. She was going to become the worthy Grand Matron of the order of Eastern Star and wanted us to "look good" for the evening and the pictures that would be taken. When I look back on that picture we were both fat and cute. She was badly abused as a child and not meaning to emotionally abused me growing up. She had wanted boys as she didn't think they would be sexually abused so she didn't hold or nurse or have anything to do with me for the first three days of my life because I was born a girl. In fact she placed the names of the 4 boys she had intended to have on my bulletin board and I looked at that every day till I finally got the courage as a tween to take them down. I always heard what I wasn't, from her, teachers and relatives. I was told that if I was thinner things would be better in my life. I was put on diet pills at age 12 and suffered some serious side effects that scared that pants off of me and after a time got the courage to tell mom what they were doing to me and was taken off of them. I was lucky enough to have my dad and my aunt(who lived far away but we wrote all the time) who truly loved me for me and encouraged me in every way. I was a very outgoing child and was very active playing sports, riding bikes, cops and robbers and so on with my friends. I started working part time at age 11 and have always maintained a very busy lifestyle. I have posted here before about all the discrimination and difficulties I faced in school, being the butt of jokes, singled out in school and social situations and refused jobs as a teen cause of my weight. Life is tough growing up as a fat girl!
I finally quit dieting at age 21 when I found my hubby and realized through NAAFA, BBW magazine and the things I had managed to accomplish through the teen years I was ok just as I was. I got involved in size acceptance, started a local group, managed the Canadian operations of NAAFA, taught aerobics for large size women and so on. I worked the program so to speak and still do today as self acceptance is a life long journey.
My boys were both fat growing up and experienced some of the same issues with peers, teachers and relatives that I did. I simply encouraged them to eat healthily and loved them for who they were. If they wanted to try sports we did it. We were active as a family and I did send my kids out to play rather than sitting in front of video games all the time. Now as they have grown up there are differences. One son got a job in a lumber yard that was hauling building supplies, loading and unloading and stocking the shop. He lost alot of weight there, then onto another couple of physical labor jobs that helped him lose more. He is now a thin man and works hard at maintaining it in the gym as he is currently working in sales and a second job as a bartender. My other son has remained a BHM but still performs as a singer and actor and manages a Media store. Both had their issues of dealing with poor self esteem and and all I could do was encourage them to be themselves, utilize their talents, and give them strategies on how to deal with the naysayers. I see it in the young girls I work with as a youth worker in a youth centre. They are under such pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way and dress the right way. And the boys buy into those standards for women too. I deal with these issues daily and try to help impart acceptance in the next generation of kids. Maybe if we all act as a mentor to a young person in our life we can help them along?


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## CastingPearls (Apr 13, 2010)

I posted this on another thread but really believe it's appropriate here as well.

In my case although home was a safe haven because we were all fat, there were a few strange conversations with my father which really scarred me for life.
When I was about 5, he used to work nights and come home around dawn. I would bounce in my bed (nearest the door) when I'd hear his keys jingling and he'd come in and sit on the bed and pull a chocolate out of his pocket for me. This was a little ritual I adored and loved sharing until the day he poked my sweet round tummy with his finger and said, "_____, don't you want to get married one day and have babies?" I said, confused, "Yes Daddy." He said, "well you won't be able to do that if you're fat". And I don't remember anything after that. I don't remember ever sharing that little ritual with him ever again.
That wasn't the only conversation we had. Others were equally strange. I look at him now, an old man in his 70's and I can't even say there's anything to forgive or not to forgive.
I think I'm just saddened that someone who I deeply trusted and loved pointed out to me, practically a baby, that I was defective. And I didn't even know how to fix it. How does a five-year-old change her appearance to be more pleasing? How does she even comprehend that there's a possibility that she may not attract a husband when she's not entirely sure what a boy is but knows she wants to be a wife and mommy (and genie and witch) (but that's another story) and it must be her fault if Daddy says so?
__________________


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## KittyKitten (Apr 13, 2010)

These stories make me sad and angry at the same time. Parents are the first role models and support a child has to look to. When they are hurtful, where else do you go? You feel helpless and lost.


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## Fluffy51888 (Apr 13, 2010)

Yea, this was def. something I was brought up with, too. My mom used to be about my size (around a size 24, I'd say) then she lost a lot of weight. Now she's about a size 10, and still complains about her weight. She says that she "can't fit her fat butt in her clothes" (her words, not mine) and refuses to buy new ones in a bigger size. As a teenager, my grandpa and grandma used to bribe me to lose weight by telling me if I did, they'd buy me a whole new wardrobe. 

I work in an after school program with 3rd and 4th graders. Today two of my third graders were talking about Justin Bieber (ugh!) and how they wanted to meet him so bad. One little girl, who is already really, really thin, made a comment similar to, "We'd better run around the gym so we can get skinny before we meet him." It's crazy how society makes girls even as young as that feel like they have to be thin to be wanted. It's sad.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 13, 2010)

My mother rarely spoke about her weight but it was understood that it was an embarrassment to my maternal Grandmother who shared a house with us until--well, until I moved out. In fact, G'ma is still living with my dad to this day and my mother passed away in '02.

My G'parents were immigrants from Eastern Europe and wanted more than anything to assimilate and my mother, while beautiful, was always compared to her thin older sister. She was often referred to as, 'the smart one', as opposed to 'the thin pretty one' although Mom was far prettier. My G'ma was very dependent on my mom because of the language barrier so from the age of 12 Mom handled all G'ma's legal paperwork. It was a very strange symbiotic yet very unbalanced relationship.

My G'ma thought it was inappropriate to tell my mother she was proud of her but didn't hesitate to show her disapproval. My mother died at 55 feeling deeply rejected. She felt rejected her entire life. She had very very poor self-esteem.

How she managed to raise two daughters (and SSBBWs at that) with amazing self-confidence, self-esteem and positive body image is a mystery to me. The disappointment and disapproval of my G'ma always hung thick in the air and Mom was nearly mute on the subject, but she NEVER put us on a diet. 

In fact, my paternal G'ma was a very thin vain woman of Mediterranean descent and was always stuffing us and then commenting on our weight and she too rejected my long suffering mother who took great pains to keep her away from us as much as possible to protect us. 

I didn't know it was my mother's heartfelt desire to be thin until she was dying of stomach cancer. It was her fat that actually allowed her to live longer than expected, and gave us more time to say good-bye as agonizing as it was. 

In the end, my beautiful mother got her rarely spoken wish. When she was buried she weighed 150 lbs. Less than half her former body weight. 

I often wonder if in her death she finally got her mother's approval.


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## Vespertine (Apr 14, 2010)

That woman's experiences growing up were very close to mine, and I see I'm not alone. I didn't consider it before I read that article, but the concept of 'diet' was a very early one. My mother and grandmother dieted in perpetuity (alas, to little effect), there were packets of nutri-fast in the cupboard, and --I guess motivational?-- weight watcher trinkets around the kitchen. "A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips." I remember mom would say that when she had desserts. I still think of it when I eat desserts. Programming, argh!



Tau said:


> ... Her statement, about not wanting to get fat, shocked me more than i can say because i couldn't understand where she'd picked that sentiment up. Television can only do so much, and I'm hesitant in making it the scape goat here, so where could she have learnt that fat = bad and thin = good?
> 
> So, my question, how do fat mothers answer statements like that? ...



I'm not a mother (disclaimer). I think it would be important to address the realities with kids. I would tell them that it is hard, there is prejudice, and that I could understand their desire to avoid those experiences. Also that there are worse things that could happen than becoming fat, i think its important to put the fat fear in a proper context. It's so often a repository for all manner of nameless fears--deep fears of rejection we all share, fears of not measuring up. Those should be dealt with directly if possible.

I would tell my hypothetical blood relative that their adult natural, healthy shape might not be what they hope or feel it should be, and also that it changes with time. I would tell them that many people and women especially are plagued with feeling their body isn't as 'good' as it should be, and its more to do with minds than matter. Those thoughts ignore the fact it is miraculous and rare, in the context of the wider universe, to have a human body at all. That a body has its own wisdom that far predates our concepts of appropriateness that needs to be paid the proper respect. I would tell them that the body is a fascination our best science does not understand fully, and it is an insult not to address the body without a level of awe. It is breathing, heart pumping, cells growing, healing, food digesting without any help from the mind, freeing that knowitall to dwell on trivialities of pant size. I would remind them that even though it is fantastic to have a body, it is still only the window dressings of the person within, the real content of their character and their life--and what a loss it would be to fill that space with small concerns and ideas of themselves. They are, and their time is too valuable to waste on such things, full stop.

But I would be the 'weird aunt', I admit.


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## Lamia (Apr 17, 2010)

calauria said:


> When I was growing up, my dad would pressure my older sister and I to eat a lot of junk food, but would talk about us for eating it and about being fat. He would constantly tell us that we need to lose weight, because no man would want us. And a lot of times he would single me out, had me scared to death, because I had mosquito bites on me that I would scratch into blisters, he would tell me I was diabetic, because I was so fat and the blisters came form being diabetic and he would tell me I would have a heart attack and die..My mom on the other hand, would call us names such as "fat asses", "big oxes", "fat and funky", yell at us to "sit our fat asses down"....the rest of the relatives would call us "big ol healthy girls" ask my parents what they've been feeding us. My parents would laugh at us right along with everyone else. We used to have a neighbor that would say we were the prettiest girls and if we didn't have all that fat on us, we'd have a lot of boyfriends. There has been so many ways I've been abused that I can't even talk about them all. All I know is that most of my life I have been walking around not even feeling human, let alone feeling as if I deserved anything.
> 
> I hate when people push weight issues on children.



This made me cry. You didn't deserve that. My father did the same thing. I remember he forced me to get on the scale so he and my brother could make fun of my weight. I cried and my brother felt bad and left. My dad is always telling me I'm going to die.

My mother was obsessed with her weight and made me join TOPS which was a weight watchers group. They would post your weight gain or loss in the paper. In 7th grade at lunch I wouldn't give my pizza to the boy i had a crush on *hello homemade pizza* and he said "That's why you only lost 5 lbs last week". I was shocked that he knew about my weight up and downs. My grandmother used to describe fat people as "Fat and Greasy". 

I don't understand why parents do these things to their kids. It's why I never wanted to have any. I would hate to pass that on. 

When I was 3 my mom put in my baby book that I ask if some food she had given me was "fatness". "Is this fatness?" lol


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## sowhat (Apr 17, 2010)

My mom and where she came from:

I don't know about my mother's experiences with her aunt who adopted her as far as weight went, but my mom always caught crap for her looks from her cousins and aunt. She was MUCH better looking than all of them, had a career for a while doing modeling, and was a much better person with actual depth to herself than them. Her cousins were bitter no matter what they weighed and usually were the most unhealthy when they were thin. They reveled when she had a failed marriage in the 70s, forgetting about their own; they loved that my grandmother was in an asylum, but forgot how b****y their own mother was; etc.

Me and where I came from:

I grew up with my mom getting older (she was in her late 30s when she had me) and she was always thin, but she worked for it. She also didn't pressure us kids at all, but she did like to encourage us to run or walk with her; but it was more of the fact that we all did a lot as a family. I think she was putting an emphasis on health and fitness than weight. I think my mom was always so open minded is her own life experiences being adopted and having seen self destruction in the name of beauty in several friends. One incident that truly affected me growing up was when one of her friends I knew died from ephedra(sp?) usage. I'd say we were not fat negative because there's never been any talk about weight really. Kids self esteems are fragile as it is and I am thankful that I have had a nice environment growing up to leave it only as f***ed up as I alone formed it.

I am trying to lose weight and I am changing from eating the junk I have been lately (hence the gain), but I am doing it for me and nobody else. I have clothes from when I was slimmer that I don't want to replace, and some of my mom's designer stuff does fit (shoulders is a b**** though) when I weigh less. My feet feel better too when I weigh less because I have knee issues and a high arch (nice heels vs trainers or flat boots with inserts).


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 18, 2010)

I wanted to add something positive here, something I heard today at the park. Three girls were clowning around two benches away from where my son and I were sitting eating lunch and they looked about 15ish. Cute girls, none looked "fat" to me, but one was slightly chubby, something I'd just look at as baby fat (puberty, hormones, etc). The other two were thin. So anyways - when they were done playing around (ie, the boys playing baseball near there had left lol) the girls started walking down the path towards us to leave the park and as they get closer I hear the chubbier girl say to one of the thin girls, "I don't know, this is just how I was made, you don't hear me asking you why you're so skinny so what does it matter?" Then she dramatically patted her bottom and said, "My Mom says thick is good!" and they all laughed together. In my head I'm like Oooh you go girl, good for you! Then they stopped so one could zip her hoodie and the chubby girl said "Don't be mad because your boyfriend wants me!" HAHA. Good for her. They were obviously close friends because they were all laughing but damn I was so proud of that girl, her confidence at her age was such a beautiful uplifting thing to witness. I wish all young girls felt that way no matter their size, and I say no matter their size because the thinner girls (ie, flat-chested, no booty) get teased too.


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## KittyKitten (Apr 18, 2010)

DitzyBrunette said:


> I wanted to add something positive here, something I heard today at the park. Three girls were clowning around two benches away from where my son and I were sitting eating lunch and they looked about 15ish. Cute girls, none looked "fat" to me, but one was slightly chubby, something I'd just look at as baby fat (puberty, hormones, etc). The other two were thin. So anyways - when they were done playing around (ie, the boys playing baseball near there had left lol) the girls started walking down the path towards us to leave the park and as they get closer I hear the chubbier girl say to one of the thin girls, "I don't know, this is just how I was made, you don't hear me asking you why you're so skinny so what does it matter?" Then she dramatically patted her bottom and said, "My Mom says thick is good!" and they all laughed together. In my head I'm like Oooh you go girl, good for you! Then they stopped so one could zip her hoodie and the chubby girl said "Don't be mad because your boyfriend wants me!" HAHA. Good for her. They were obviously close friends because they were all laughing but damn I was so proud of that girl, her confidence at her age was such a beautiful uplifting thing to witness. I wish all young girls felt that way no matter their size, and I say no matter their size because the thinner girls (ie, flat-chested, no booty) get teased too.



Yeah, alot of the very thin girls get picked on too. My best friend who was a size zero got picked on so much in high school and she now tells me she wished she was thicker. 

I just like to see women having a positive view of their bodies and from my experience in my 26 years of living on this earth, very few women actually like their bodies. It is very sad.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 18, 2010)

One of my sisters-in-law is 4'11 and weighs 83 lbs. She thinks she's ugly.

She looks at me and says, "You're beautiful. You know you're beautiful? I wish I was beautiful. I am NOT" (English is not her first language)

I said, "Many people don't see beauty in me. They see only my size. Beauty isn't everything. It hasn't protected me from heartache."

She said, "But that's so easy for someone beautiful to say."

Women are so hard on themselves. No matter what I tell her, or what my brother tells her, she sees a different image in the mirror.


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## KittyKitten (Apr 19, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> One of my sisters-in-law is 4'11 and weighs 83 lbs. She thinks she's ugly.
> 
> She looks at me and says, "You're beautiful. You know you're beautiful? I wish I was beautiful. I am NOT" (English is not her first language)
> 
> ...



I just like the self confidence of most men, no matter how unattractive a man is, most of the time, he thinks he is the bomb. I know society bases a man on his wealth and job status, but even the broke ones think they are big stuff.


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 19, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> One of my sisters-in-law is 4'11 and weighs 83 lbs. She thinks she's ugly.
> 
> She looks at me and says, "You're beautiful. You know you're beautiful? I wish I was beautiful. I am NOT" (English is not her first language)
> 
> ...



Well that's so sweet of your sister in law to say  
My sister has always been smaller, when we were kids she was so skinny and I was always chubby. A few years ago she gained a little weight but I just think she looks good and healthy. She loves the beach, I despise the beach and wouldn't go if there was a gun to my head. So my son was saying he wanted to go a couple summers ago and I told him, I'll call Titi (aunt in Spanish) and she'll probably take you. She texts me back that she isn't getting in a bathing suit anytime soon. I'm like Um, you're gorgeous, are you crazy? She says no way. I told her "you're beautiful, men love meat on a woman!" She tells me - and I'll never forget that day since she'd never said this before, we've never been close like most sisters - "But you have the confidence and you know you're beautiful and men see that, that's why they like you. I don't feel that." I was flattered and surprised she felt that way (and she was wrong on how I saw myself, but I guess my confidence was fooling people). Of course I was like, uh.. most men don't like this body type, and in my mind men would choose her over me, but in her mind she felt the opposite. I agree, us women are crazy sometimes. My whole life my sister and I have never had anything in common and I always thought of her as the "pretty one" while she envied my confidence. We're all gorgeous, imo. Especially my sister since she looks just like me


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## CastingPearls (Apr 19, 2010)

DitzyBrunette said:


> Well that's so sweet of your sister in law to say
> My sister has always been smaller, when we were kids she was so skinny and I was always chubby. A few years ago she gained a little weight but I just think she looks good and healthy. She loves the beach, I despise the beach and wouldn't go if there was a gun to my head. So my son was saying he wanted to go a couple summers ago and I told him, I'll call Titi (aunt in Spanish) and she'll probably take you. She texts me back that she isn't getting in a bathing suit anytime soon. I'm like Um, you're gorgeous, are you crazy? She says no way. I told her "you're beautiful, men love meat on a woman!" She tells me - and I'll never forget that day since she'd never said this before, we've never been close like most sisters - "But you have the confidence and you know you're beautiful and men see that, that's why they like you. I don't feel that." I was flattered and surprised she felt that way (and she was wrong on how I saw myself, but I guess my confidence was fooling people). Of course I was like, uh.. most men don't like this body type, and in my mind men would choose her over me, but in her mind she felt the opposite. I agree, us women are crazy sometimes. My whole life my sister and I have never had anything in common and I always thought of her as the "pretty one" while she envied my confidence. We're all gorgeous, imo. Especially my sister since she looks just like me


My sister (6 years younger) was like my twin, only a more saturated concentrated and uncensored version. She was an amazing free spirit and a force to be reckoned with.


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 19, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> My sister (6 years younger) was like my twin, only a more saturated concentrated and uncensored version. She was an amazing free spirit and a force to be reckoned with.



You seem to be pretty uncensored and a free spirit too, makes me wonder how much fun SHE is! LOL!


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## CastingPearls (Apr 19, 2010)

Ha ha--Believe me I'm censoring myself. My sister Lisa died in Sept. of '08. She was a riot. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. She was my Boo.


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 19, 2010)

Aww =( I'm sorry for your loss ((hugs)) My sister is named Lisa as well.


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## KittyKitten (Apr 19, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Ha ha--Believe me I'm censoring myself. My sister Lisa died in Sept. of '08. She was a riot. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. She was my Boo.



I'm sorry about that.  I never had sisters but I can imagine the loss.


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## calauria (Apr 25, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> I just like the self confidence of most men, no matter how unattractive a man is, most of the time, he thinks he is the bomb. I know society bases a man on his wealth and job status, but even the broke ones think they are big stuff.



This is so true, even the mangled crackhead guy with no teeth and no job or money the 1st, believes he's God's gift to women!!!


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## KittyKitten (Apr 25, 2010)

calauria said:


> This is so true, even the mangled crackhead guy with no teeth and no job or money the 1st, believes he's God's gift to women!!!



They're the main ones stepping up to women!


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## Sargas (May 1, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> I just like the self confidence of most men, no matter how unattractive a man is, most of the time, he thinks he is the bomb. I know society bases a man on his wealth and job status, but even the broke ones think they are big stuff.



I dunno about that. I certainly don't feel that way, and I know none of my friends feel that way about themselves. Even so, some of them act it. I think that for at least some of them it's just an act really; guys who think they're looking cool for the ladies. I mean obviously there are guys who WILL think they're hot stuff regardless of what others say, but I know not all guys are lke that.

I think men can definitely be susceptible to body issues as well, it's just that there's less pressure on us about it, and we don't really talk about it as much. I know I've often disliked how I look. I'm really thin (5'8, 114 lbs, last I checked), and I don't think I've ever really liked being this thin. I mean, I'm okay with it usually, and it's never been a big thing for me, but I've always felt somewhat scrawny and gawky. Always sort of wished I was... bigger somehow. I never really cared how. Taller, stronger, fatter, whatever. My friends would often comment on how thin I was, often wishing they had my metabolism, and I'd usually joke about being a human toothpick. I mean, I can easily encircle my wrist between my thumb and pinky. For most of my life I was considered to be medically underweight, though certainly not from any dieting on my part. To be honest, I've never quite understood this obsession with thinness.


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## Vespertine (May 1, 2010)

Sargas said:


> To be honest, I've never quite understood this obsession with thinness.



I hear that most often from the thinnest people, male and female. Thanks for your post, especially the insight into how guys deal with body image.


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## Fat.n.sassy (May 2, 2010)

Tau said:


> Now, at age 5, she is learning a hatred of fat that kind of chills me because she certainly is not picking it up at home....Her mom has body issues, my sister hates her fat, but she doesn't speak about it in front of my niece...With children actions certainly speak louder than words, and I try to live and express myself in a way I would want her to live, but words are also necessary to steer children down the right path - and in this case i'm honestly not sure what the words should be.



Even though your sister doesn't verbalize her hatred of her fat, you hit the nail on the head by stating 'with children actions certainly speak louder than words'. I'm so glad she has you for her aunt. She will see how you live and see how beautiful and confident you are. :bow:


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## Fat.n.sassy (May 2, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Ha ha--Believe me I'm censoring myself. My sister Lisa died in Sept. of '08. She was a riot. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. She was my Boo.



I'm so sorry you lost your sister. Losing a sibling is *awful*.


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## Fat.n.sassy (May 2, 2010)

rollhandler said:


> Your thoughts on this article.
> 
> http://dove.msn.com/?source=msnhp#/...Ellin.aspx[cp-documentid=22617760]/&gt1=25039
> 
> Rollhandler




I appreciate your starting this thread. It feels like a lot of healing is happening.


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## msbard90 (May 2, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> In fact, my paternal G'ma was a very thin vain woman of *Mediterranean descent and was always stuffing us and then commenting on our weight *and she too rejected my long suffering mother who took great pains to keep her away from us as much as possible to protect us.



This is something that I've noticed in my family- especially from my father. He's always stuffing our ( my sisters and I ) face then wonders why I'm a big girl. My family is very concerned about what a "good weight" is. They are always pointing out larger people and talking about them negatively. My very thin niece and nephew (my niece is 8 and in a size 4/5T, for example) are so weight conscious and are afraid of gaining any weight at all. Its awful. With my niece especially, I worry about her as she gets older. I hope that she realizes that beauty comes in any size.


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## calauria (May 6, 2010)

msbard90 said:


> This is something that I've noticed in my family- especially from my father. He's always stuffing our ( my sisters and I ) face then wonders why I'm a big girl. My family is very concerned about what a "good weight" is. They are always pointing out larger people and talking about them negatively. My very thin niece and nephew (my niece is 8 and in a size 4/5T, for example) are so weight conscious and are afraid of gaining any weight at all. Its awful. With my niece especially, I worry about her as she gets older. I hope that she realizes that beauty comes in any size.



Wait!! Your niece is 8 years old and wears a 4/5T?????!!!!! That's far too underweight!!!


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## CastingPearls (May 6, 2010)

This makes me so sad that children have to worry about their weight. When I was a kid all I worried about was how I was going to come up a reason for why I split the knees in my pants climbing trees and scaling fences and tripping while running playing tag.


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## NoWayOut (May 6, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> I just like the self confidence of most men, no matter how unattractive a man is, most of the time, he thinks he is the bomb. I know society bases a man on his wealth and job status, but even the broke ones think they are big stuff.



Not here. I have no ego. I like myself fine, but I know I'm nothing special. I've actually told several women that they overrate me.


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## msbard90 (May 7, 2010)

calauria said:


> Wait!! Your niece is 8 years old and wears a 4/5T?????!!!!! That's far too underweight!!!



She's "technically" not underweight, but I think she's really too thin.


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## calauria (May 7, 2010)

msbard90 said:


> She's "technically" not underweight, but I think she's really too thin.



A 8 year old wearing 4/5T is not considered technically underweight??????!!!!!! You mean 4/5T in TODDLER SIZE?????!!!


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## msbard90 (May 8, 2010)

calauria said:


> A 8 year old wearing 4/5T is not considered technically underweight??????!!!!!! You mean 4/5T in TODDLER SIZE?????!!!



Yeah, she's pretty small. She's tall and thin though, so although a 4/5 T fits her size wise, its also very short on her. So to get other sizes are too big. She's fine weight wise, but she carries a VERY thin frame.


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