# The Poop Chronicles



## mossystate (Jul 13, 2007)

there....you sick people....your own little, messy, smelly corner of Dims....have at it.............



*leaves toilet paper...back copies of Cat Fancy magazine...and a drum of Febreeze, powered by a footpump.....


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## Waxwing (Jul 13, 2007)

Friday, 13 July: No interesting poop news to report.


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## Santaclear (Jul 13, 2007)

I've decided to take the plunge.


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## mossystate (Jul 13, 2007)

er??? ...so far, so fresh smelling..thanks you two for taking your business to the Chevron station...


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## Jes (Jul 13, 2007)

Great that you left a Cat Fancy. 

I'm going to leave a cat.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 13, 2007)

Oh cool, a cat in here?

I'm staying.

I brought matches.


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## MissToodles (Jul 13, 2007)

courtesy flush, please.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 13, 2007)

Had a little fiber with dinner. Nothing.


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## Jes (Jul 13, 2007)

OOps, I crapped my pants! (tm)

i'm going to cry. this is horrible.


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## Ash (Jul 13, 2007)

Maybe the Jes blog and this one should be merged? 


P.S. All the poop talk around here has me giggling like a 4th grade boy.


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## Smushygirl (Jul 13, 2007)

I never poop, I plan to explode at 50! Maybe that's why I'm brown!:doh:


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## Jes (Jul 13, 2007)

Smushygirl said:


> I never poop, I plan to explode at 50! Maybe that's why I'm brown!:doh:



HAHAHAHAHAHA.


SMUSH. that's making me laugh.


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## swordchick (Jul 13, 2007)

Smushygirl said:


> I never poop, I plan to explode at 50! Maybe that's why I'm brown!:doh:


This is why my stomach muscles are still sore!


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## Fuzzy (Jul 14, 2007)

Ooops. I was looking for the Gents.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 14, 2007)

Monkey Poop (the game...)
http://www.8bitentertainment.com/smpf2.html

Monkey Poop (main website...)
http://www.8bitentertainment.com/

fa_man_stan


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## Risible (Jul 14, 2007)

Um, is this where we file Accident Reports?







Not for me! For the dogs! The dogs! :doh:


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 14, 2007)

Risible said:


> Um, is this where we file Accident Reports?



You and Chuck are kinkier than I thought.  

You tell Chuck I don't judge him though.


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## fatlane (Jul 14, 2007)




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## AnnMarie (Jul 14, 2007)

Fuzzy said:


> Ooops. I was looking for the Gents.



I think we're unisex.... all welcome.


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## Jes (Jul 14, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I think we're unisex.... all welcome.



so long as you gotta poop, of course.


You know, part of me wonders how many friends i'm going to lose over this poop fest.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 14, 2007)

Jes said:


> so long as you gotta poop, of course.
> 
> 
> You know, part of me wonders how many friends i'm going to lose over this poop fest.



I already filed for divorce since I learned you poop. That's how angry I am.


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## Tina (Jul 14, 2007)

I feel for you, Jes. Many years ago I had a whole month where I did nothing but poop. It was like dysentary, or something. Had a hard time leaving the house and had to be very careful what I drank and ate. The BRAT diet, which is supposed to bind, just chicken soup and crackers. Nothing helped. I thought that, well, maybe I'll have at least lost some weight. Went to the doc again and after a month I had gained 10 lbs. How the hell does that happen? I hardly ate and did nothing but poo. 

It's no fun being a shit factory, whether it comes out too much, or not enough. My sympathies to the poo people.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 14, 2007)

If you ever go to PetSmart and hear "solid in isle 2.... solid in isle 2" over the loud speaker, don't be in a hurry to go to isle 2.

fa_man_stan


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## Tina (Jul 14, 2007)

Heh. Thanks for the warning, Stan.


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## fatlane (Jul 14, 2007)

Best cure for constipation:

Have someone pop a rattlesnake into your commode. That'll keep ya reg'lar.


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## Risible (Jul 14, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> If you ever go to PetSmart and hear "solid in isle 2.... solid in isle 2" over the loud speaker, don't be in a hurry to go to isle 2.
> 
> fa_man_stan



Oh my gosh. My dog Bear solided in PetSmart during obedience class. I was terribly embarrassed. But, accidents happen ...


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## AnnMarie (Jul 14, 2007)

I'm now very worried about what "doing someone a solid" really means.

Eep.


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## Tina (Jul 14, 2007)

LMAO! AM, if I hadn't just repped you yesterday, I'd rep you for my first Dims laugh of the day.


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## rainyday (Jul 14, 2007)

The Clubhouse cleaning crew uses bleach or some other disinfectant, right? I've been walking barefoot around here. eeeww.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 14, 2007)

Risible said:


> Oh my gosh. My dog Bear solided in PetSmart during obedience class. I was terribly embarrassed. But, accidents happen ...



Did you file an accident report? 



AnnMarie said:


> I'm now very worried about what "doing someone a solid" really means.
> 
> Eep.



Or, being "solidly behind" someone...


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## stan_der_man (Jul 14, 2007)

rainyday said:


> The Clubhouse cleaning crew uses bleach or some other disinfectant, right? I've been walking barefoot around here. eeeww.



Couldn't tell ya Rainy... cabana boys don't do "biohazardous materials", it's not in the job discription. Solids especially.

cabana_boy_man_stan


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## mossystate (Jul 14, 2007)

Well, we are still in the early stages of this crappy experiment..and funds are tight..the drum of Febreeze cost me my daily gallon of ice cream, so I hope you all understand the sacrifice.

That being said, I have had to go further in debt. I noticed some of you leaving...The Room...scratching your asses.. so I installed a bidet.

I only ask that you not linger..that you not use this latest acquisition as your personal water park and sexual aid.


Thanks


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## mossystate (Jul 14, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> Couldn't tell ya Rainy... cabana boys don't do "biohazardous materials", it's not in the job discription. Solids especially.
> 
> cabana_boy_man_stan



Psssst..you are a wise CB..but I have convinced a few of the less aware CB's that this job will get them a lot of rep..but..it won't..hehehe


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## AnnMarie (Jul 14, 2007)

mossystate said:


> I only ask that you not linger..that you not use this latest acquisition as your personal water park and sexual aid.
> 
> 
> Thanks



So.... does that mean I shouldn't be facing the wall when I use it?

:blush:


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## Santaclear (Jul 14, 2007)

Right now *The Poop Chronicles* and *Floating in the Pool* threads are next to each other if you view using the "New Posts" function.


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## Santaclear (Jul 14, 2007)

Tina said:


> It's no fun being a shit factory, whether it comes out too much, or not enough. My sympathies to the poo people.



Well said, Tina.


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## supersoup (Jul 14, 2007)

just so everyone knows...

the bathroom camera is for research purposes only. 

FYI.


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## Tina (Jul 14, 2007)

Yes, I know, and I like it. I haven't been able to see 'down there' without assistance for quite some time. Makes trimming my pubes into a clef note design rather difficult.


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## Jes (Jul 14, 2007)

rainyday said:


> The Clubhouse cleaning crew uses bleach or some other disinfectant, right? I've been walking barefoot around here. eeeww.



I CAN AIM, RAINY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

*harrumph!*

thing is, Pilar does it on the floor. 

get some flip flops.


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## Waxwing (Jul 14, 2007)

Jes said:


> thing is, Pilar does it on the floor.



And why haven't we fired her yet?

Speaking of poop, though not my own:

The problem with having a very furry dog is that from time to time poop will catch in his butt hair.


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## Isa (Jul 14, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> And why haven't we fired her yet?
> 
> Speaking of poop, though not my own:
> 
> The problem with having a very furry dog is that from time to time poop will catch in his butt hair.


 
Been there, done that. 1/3 of the backyard fence is chain link and I always pray that my next door neighbor doesn't happen outside while I'm fingering my dog's butt area. It would be somewhat difficult to explain as she's not exactly a pet person.


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## Waxwing (Jul 14, 2007)

Isa said:


> Been there, done that. 1/3 of the backyard fence is chain link and I always pray that my next door neighbor doesn't happen outside while I'm fingering my dog's butt area. It would be somewhat difficult to explain as she's not exactly a pet person.



hahahaha
that's the way to get the neighbors to leave you alone.


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## Fuzzy (Jul 14, 2007)

Hey! Is someone arranging flowers in here? I detect the aroma of cashmere bouquet.


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## SocialbFly (Jul 14, 2007)

you know what they say....poop happens


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## stan_der_man (Jul 15, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Psssst..you are a wise CB..but I have convinced a few of the less aware CB's that this job will get them a lot of rep..but..it won't..hehehe



That should be good for a few shits and grins...

shits_n_grins_man_stan


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## Santaclear (Jul 15, 2007)

What better place to share this than here? :bow: 

I just finished a big bowl of ginger pecan granola with fresh strawberries and oat milk. Very good. :eat1: A blurb on the back of the container read, "_Experience the Delicious Taste of Manure!_ 

(Actually it said _"...Delicious Taste of *Nature!*"_ I could use new glasses. :blush:


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## Tina (Jul 15, 2007)

Heh. 

How about those shit sausages? I read a few years ago that someplace (can't remember now, dang it) was going to make and sell sausages made from purified shit. Obviously not the U.S. Wish I could find that article; it was horrifying.


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## ripley (Jul 15, 2007)

No, Joy. No. No I will not come and look. No.



.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


You're right, it looks just like a number five.


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## ThatFatGirl (Jul 15, 2007)

mossystate said:


> That being said, I have had to go further in debt. I noticed some of you leaving...The Room...scratching your asses.. so I installed a bidet.
> 
> I only ask that you not linger..that you not use this latest acquisition as your personal water park and sexual aid.
> 
> ...




Oooh nice. Now put in a hand held shower massager and a snack machine, and I'll never leave.


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## rainyday (Jul 15, 2007)

So....did everyone have a productive day yesterday?

Oh, and the cheese and prune platter outside the door of this thread--nice touch whoever left that.


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## mossystate (Jul 15, 2007)

Those are not prunes...damn, I knew this would happen....


hand check!!!


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## Jes (Jul 24, 2007)

Immodium: 1
Jes' butt: 0



it's slightly under control, folks. Hold your applause!


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## activistfatgirl (Jul 24, 2007)

I want to talk about mushrooms. They don't seem to digest (at least not for me). I'm not sure I want to eat them anymore.

Unless anyone wants to do some corn or mushroom racing. I'll win, the vegetarian thing definitely has its advantages insofar as speedy and often peristalsis goes.


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## Jes (Jul 24, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> I want to talk about mushrooms. They don't seem to digest (at least not for me). I'm not sure I want to eat them anymore.
> 
> Unless anyone wants to do some corn or mushroom racing. I'll win, the vegetarian thing definitely has its advantages insofar as speedy and often peristalsis goes.



GIRL, you got NOTHIN' on speedy OR fast. KNOWHATI"MSAYING?


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## mossystate (Jul 24, 2007)

Ummm, TMI be damned..I have a few nicknames...one?....Salad Shooter...


Oh, and AFG, you are not supposed to swallow those things whole...cheeeeeeew....


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## Santaclear (Jul 24, 2007)

Photos please, AFG, so we can know what you're talking about.


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## activistfatgirl (Jul 24, 2007)

What would you guys do if I actually posted a photo? Can you imagine? Either hilarity would ensue or no one would ever talk to me again.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 24, 2007)

I'll still talk to you, AFG.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 24, 2007)

As some of you know, I've had some rather painful/horrific no-going issues (couple of weeks ago now) but things haven't gotten back to "normal". 

I go from nothing, to crampy, to ... well, something, to nothing, etc. 

It's a mess, honestly. I think I messed up my bowels pretty good with that mess and things just aren't quite back to a system yet. 

Anyway, I wanted to add some fiber to my diet (I eat no veggies, pretty much) so I bought this Fiber-sure Clear Mixing supplement. Supposedly you can put it in drinks, cooking, soup, anything. 

I was suspect, because I have major texture issues... but I thought if I could choke down a couple of servings a day in my iced tea, I'd be better off. 

Well, I just used it and it's literally invisible when mixed!! No grit, no texture, nothing floating, sinking to the bottom, etc. 

So, if you need fiber, I recommend this. Quick and painless!


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## Waxwing (Jul 24, 2007)

I *thought* that I needed fiber, but the massive amounts of psyllium I've taken in the past two days have just made me bloated and gassy. But still no love.

Bloated and gassy, people.

In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Are you hungry? Sleepy? Thirsty? Is it gas? Is it gas? It's gas."


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## supersoup (Jul 24, 2007)

that activia yogurt is rad. i hate yogurt, but it's magical.

just throwin' that out there...


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## AnnMarie (Jul 24, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> I *thought* that I needed fiber, but the massive amounts of psyllium I've taken in the past two days have just made me bloated and gassy. But still no love.
> 
> Bloated and gassy, people.
> 
> In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Are you hungry? Sleepy? Thirsty? Is it gas? Is it gas? It's gas."



The fiber won't help if you have a stoppage. You need to get things liquid and out to get things happening again. 

Softener, water, maybe some milk of magnesia (not a lot, just start slow).... see how those work. 

My bowels are at war with me.


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## Waxwing (Jul 24, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> The fiber won't help if you have a stoppage. You need to get things liquid and out to get things happening again.
> 
> Softener, water, maybe some milk of magnesia (not a lot, just start slow).... see how those work.
> 
> My bowels are at war with me.



So the fiber is just making me feel worse. Fabulous.

Why must our bowels hate us so?


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## mossystate (Jul 24, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> I *thought* that I needed fiber, but the massive amounts of psyllium I've taken in the past two days have just made me bloated and gassy. But still no love.
> 
> Bloated and gassy, people.
> 
> In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Are you hungry? Sleepy? Thirsty? Is it gas? Is it gas? It's gas."



Pumpkin, did you drink LOTS of water with all this psyllium? Be real careful, for you can get a real nasty blockage going...no more psyllium for you!!!!!!


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## Waxwing (Jul 24, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Pumpkin, did you drink LOTS of water with all this psyllium? Be real careful, for you can get a real nasty blockage going...no more psyllium for you!!!!!!



Well I tend to drink water by the tanker truck full, but I think that you're right about me not being allowed anymore psyllium. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Ouch.


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## Jes (Jul 24, 2007)

Was on the phone with friend. Suddenly said: oh, now I have to poop.

her deadpan response? Oh, how unusual.


she might've been laughing, but i don't know. i had to hang up quick.


i've lost the will to live.


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## activistfatgirl (Jul 24, 2007)

I'm making everyone in this thread a big salad. Especially AnnMarie.

I'm not letting Santaclear put raw kale in it, though. Don't you worry.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 24, 2007)

supersoup said:


> that activia yogurt is rad. i hate yogurt, but it's magical.
> 
> just throwin' that out there...



I just bought some.... going to try it tomorrow I think. 

Was planning to do a does of fibersure one day, yogurt the next, see if I can get myself more patterned. Before my break down, I was pretty much like clockwork, every morning. I'm back to every day, but varying success and times.

Oh, how I miss those days.


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## ripley (Jul 24, 2007)

After Monique's post? I'll pass on the salad, thankyouverymuch.




Re: mushrooms, after my WLS ten years ago several things reappear looking just like they went in, and yup, mushrooms is one. Also black olives and watermelon.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 25, 2007)

I like salad, but salad doesn't like me, especially with vinegrette dressing...

pooper_man_stan


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## AnnMarie (Jul 25, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I
> Was planning to do a does ...



Dose. 

The word was dose.


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## Jes (Jul 25, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I just bought some.... going to try it tomorrow I think.
> 
> Was planning to do a does of fibersure one day, yogurt the next, see if I can get myself more patterned. Before my break down, I was pretty much like clockwork, every morning. I'm back to every day, but varying success and times.
> 
> Oh, how I miss those days.



a few years ago, i had one of the worst long-term experiences a person can have. It's not for the squeamish, so I won't delve. But I will say that there IS life after back door disturbances. After months of thinking i was dying, things straightened up and flew right. it can be a long process, and don't forget that aging makes things slow up and stop too, but have faith. You may not see results overnight, but give it a month or so.

And bulk fiber is a good idea for most people. It keeps the uh... stools moist. Which helps you ELIMINATE them. And try cutting down on meat and starch if you can--those things head down south with nothing moist to ,...cushion the blow in your intestines. Fiber and whatnot keeps that water in it, and ...

ok. we get it.


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## Ample Pie (Jul 25, 2007)

Gonna say one thing; gonna make it brief.

Me + medication = way more pooping than usual = very very bad.

Done.


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## Waxwing (Jul 25, 2007)

Dear hot black coffee,

Thank you.


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## Jes (Jul 25, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> Dear hot black coffee,
> 
> Thank you.



oh, yeah. that'll clean ya right out right good! 

ew.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 25, 2007)

Fiber-sure and kielbasa soup?

Success!

Not sure if it's a permanent fix, but I'll take it for now.


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## Jes (Jul 25, 2007)

something happened to me today in the bathroom.

it hasn't happened in a long, long time.

people? pitch that lousy kaopectate. Immodium is the way to go.

Let's hope it holds! fingers crossed.


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## This1Yankee (Jul 27, 2007)

I'll get to my poop in a minute, but for right now, the interesting thing happening south of the belly roll is:

My urine is red. Hm. Yay pyridium. (Kidney infection)

Now onto the poops: I don't really poop that often. I have, like, rabbit pellets for poop. But then, about once every two-three weeks, I am cramped up on the john for thirty minutes unclogging the pipes. I've come to regard this as a good feeling, to be honest. It hurts like hell, but I know that it's good for my system to get it all out


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## activistfatgirl (Jul 29, 2007)

I don't know if it was the copious amount of alcohol I drank last night, or something bad I ate, but I'm feeling it. The poop chronicles. The crampy-can't-be-far-from-the-bathroom pain.

The worst part?

I'm starving. Seriously. I want to eat. And my stomach aches. It's such a strange feeling. I don't want more of the same today, but I wonder if the consequences would be worth a big bowl of rice & beans and pita? Yes? No? 

More water. Blah.


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## Jes (Jul 30, 2007)

beans? BEANS? When you have trouble south of the border? What are you, nuts? 

You need to go the rice and pita route. and lots of water, b/c of the drinkies and the poopies. 


I'm still having issues, but it's so hard to get motivated to write about them. the problem isn't new OR interesting anymore. 

The immodium helps, but only 'til it wears off. And it doesn't help 100%. Maybe this is just my back end, now? Nothing wrong, just how it's gonna go forever? 

Sad.


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## activistfatgirl (Jul 30, 2007)

Jes said:


> beans? BEANS? When you have trouble south of the border? What are you, nuts?



My gullet is a bean digesting machine, as they're almost a daily event. So I suppose I think about them like normal food, the way people think about cereal or bread.


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## liz (di-va) (Jul 30, 2007)

Currently: Still having some gallbladder problems and things poopular feel...wrong. Am trying groovy woo-woo food-based treatment for the moment (dandelion root tea, malic acid, coffee, flax seed oil, etc.). Hope it freakin works.

My digestive system is my achilles heel, ya know? I was diagnosed with IBS *and* lactose intolerance in my early 20s (for a while I knew where every public bathroom in Chicago was...still do, kinda)...it's still where stress shows up. So this gallbladder thing...don't need it to have poop issues, THANK YOU. Am full up on issues. I'm not quite sure what patron saint we're prayin to in this thread, but consider this my obiescence. Hehehe.

BTW, the thing that keeps me sane? (normally) Er, semi-regular? Whether the faucet is...turned up high or inconveniently off? Four capsules of Metamucil a day with a glass of water. Highly recommend, whatever the problem might be.

Yours oh so sincerely,
etc.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 30, 2007)

I don't know if it's kosher to talk about someone else's poop, but my 3 year old daughter's poop is absolutely huge! We're talking 5" long at times and easily 1.5" in diameter! She has a good amount of fiber in her diet so luckily we've only had to deal with constipation once. We were in our friend's trailer a couple of weeks ago and one of her turds just sat there wedged on the toilet drain, it wouldn't flush down ("Daaadeeee, my poop is stuck....") I had to get a wad of toilet paper to shove it through the drain (luckily our friend has a RV toilet with a foot pedal so I could easily hold the drain open, otherwise I could have gotten - as I say to my daughter- "poo finger"...) and even then it didn't go down without a fight. Her turds are bigger than my mom's old doberman's were, trust me, I know. Her poop is so much bigger than mine, I almost feel emasculated somehow, but at least I find comfort in the fact that moose turds are so small.

moose_turd_man_stan


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## Jes (Jul 30, 2007)

I...... 

oh, my


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## This1Yankee (Jul 30, 2007)

When my brother was three, he had MAJOR intestinal issues. He was quite literally, anal retentive (he still is, but in a figurative sense). Once, he pooped out a softball. Seriously. Same consistency, density, size, etc. My mother had to cut it up with a butter knife to get it to go down de hoooooole. I made her swear, ON A BIBLE (again, seriously) that she threw the shit knife away. She did, but I still have my doubts about that...she's not one to throw a damn thing away.


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## Jes (Jul 30, 2007)

shit knives. ass pennies. *sigh*

Ok, so I've realized that at the office, no one ever seems to be in the bathroom with me. and it's a 4 seater! no one. And trust me, i've been spending a lot of time there. Weird.

maybe there's a rumor started about me now? Like: Don't go in the can when that Jennifer is there! Not even a bunch of courtesy flushes can help THAT situation!


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## This1Yankee (Jul 30, 2007)

Jes said:


> shit knives. ass pennies. *sigh*
> 
> Ok, so I've realized that at the office, no one ever seems to be in the bathroom with me. and it's a 4 seater! no one. And trust me, i've been spending a lot of time there. Weird.
> 
> maybe there's a rumor started about me now? Like: Don't go in the can when that Jennifer is there! Not even a bunch of courtesy flushes can help THAT situation!


 

I WISH I COULD BE SO LUCKY!! Of course, the times when I DO get the undeniable urge to let loose, I am at work. And there is one bathroom on our floor of the building, and 97% of the staff is female. I've NEVER been in that bathroom by myself. I am tempted to saunter over to the men's room and have at it in there....at least they are used to it.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 30, 2007)

This1Yankee said:


> Jes said:
> 
> 
> > shit knives. ass pennies. *sigh*
> ...



My karma is such that somebody always calls me on my cell phone when I'm on the can. It's like talking in an echo chamber with all the sounds amplified, and I mean all.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 30, 2007)

Huge animal, tiny poop... I just don't get it. It goes against everything I learned in Intro Biology.

These are moose poop earings BTW... every Alaskan has a pair.


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## This1Yankee (Jul 30, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> My karma is such that somebody always calls me on my cell phone when I'm on the can. It's like talking in an echo chamber with all the sounds amplified, and I mean all.


 


This begs the question: WHY DO YOU ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE ON THE SHITTER?!!


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## Jes (Jul 30, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> My karma is such that somebody always calls me on my cell phone when I'm on the can. It's like talking in an echo chamber with all the sounds amplified, and I mean all.



TO EVERYONE WITH A CELL PHONE. You don't have to answer it every time it rings. No one wants to hear you plop plopping. JEEZ.


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## out.of.habit (Jul 30, 2007)

FYI, if you're having trouble getting yourself TO poop, the simple act of reading this thread will do the trick! lol


RE: Poop Stories, STAN WINS! Woooo!


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## ripley (Jul 30, 2007)

I've laughed so hard I'm crying. 


Poo finger and shit knife. 


Oh my.


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## Ash (Jul 30, 2007)

With Megan's "shit knife" coming in at a very close second.

Ahahahaha...


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## out.of.habit (Jul 30, 2007)

Ashley said:


> With Megan's "shit knife" coming in at a very close second.
> 
> Ahahahaha...



Seriously, I never knew a thread about poo would be so endlessly entertaining.

...this coming from the girl who giggles every time her parrot makes a farting noise.


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## supersoup (Jul 30, 2007)

if only you guys could see the logs my brother lets loose...

it seems anatomically impossible.


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## stan_der_man (Jul 31, 2007)

Jes said:


> TO EVERYONE WITH A CELL PHONE. You don't have to answer it every time it rings. No one wants to hear you plop plopping. JEEZ.





This1Yankee said:


> This begs the question: WHY DO YOU ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE ON THE SHITTER?!!


Lets just say I enjoy talking on my cell phone in a bathroom stall as much as do anywhere else. It's the only place in my building (work place) where I don't have to hold my head perfectly still or risk bad reception and an unnecessarily lengthened conversation.

BTW Yankee, that was a great story... We have a "cat harf knife"...



supersoup said:


> if only you guys could see the logs my brother lets loose...
> 
> it seems anatomically impossible.


I believe you Soup, the human body is a wonderous thing, especially the lower intestines.

The Alaskan moose nugget industry:
http://www.northstar.k12.ak.us/schools/awe/moose/moosenuggets.html
http://www.sticksite.com/moose.htm
http://www.jewellakebandb.com/Ancho...and_Area_Information/Moose_Dropping_Festival/

My mom still has a couple of "moosquitoes" at her house from when we lived in Anchorage. I'd be really suprised if animal rights activists have any objections to these types of animal products.

Also, thanks for the kudos!

fa_man_stan


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 31, 2007)

This thread is getting rough.


----------



## stan_der_man (Jul 31, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> This thread is getting rough.


If anything I think it needs roughage...

fa_man_stan


----------



## Santaclear (Jul 31, 2007)

(I shouldn't post when I'm this tired. Damn thing doesn't have a "delete" button.)


----------



## This1Yankee (Jul 31, 2007)

Glad to be of ASSistance

:bow:


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Jul 31, 2007)

For the comment about you don't have to answer the phone every time it rings, when your in the can, what about when your on a phone call and you have been on it for a while? Then you get that rumble and you just know you need to take a stroll over to the potty and do your duty. I personally think this is what the mute button is for.  Most of my good friends have at one point, if they knew it or not, have been on the phone with me while I was in the process of making my pants fit better. I won't name names, but some Dims folk have fell victim to the mute button with me.  hehe

I've also seen a bit in this thread about going to the bathroom at work and privacy and noise and such. But what about when your at a friends place, or a party, and you KNOW other people are waiting outside that door. Does anyone else find themselves in that kind of situation? If so, how do you deal with it? Or do you just hold it for the night? (wow... I feel like a dork talking about this subject lol)


----------



## Jes (Jul 31, 2007)

out.of.habit said:


> Seriously, I never knew a thread about poo would be so endlessly entertaining.
> 
> ...this coming from the girl who giggles every time her parrot makes a farting noise.


oh, sure! it's funny 'til YOU have issues with your pooper. ANd then, it's just sad. Horribly sad. And gassy.


----------



## RedVelvet (Jul 31, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> Huge animal, tiny poop... I just don't get it. It goes against everything I learned in Intro Biology.
> 
> These are moose poop earings BTW... every Alaskan has a pair.




I'm so alarmed by this.

really.

alarmed.


----------



## mossystate (Jul 31, 2007)

I just finished three ears of corn.


----------



## RedVelvet (Jul 31, 2007)

mossystate said:


> I just finished three ears of corn.




aahahaaha........yer twisted.


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 1, 2007)

BigCutieSasha said:


> ...
> I've also seen a bit in this thread about going to the bathroom at work and privacy and noise and such. But what about when your at a friends place, or a party, and you KNOW other people are waiting outside that door. Does anyone else find themselves in that kind of situation? If so, how do you deal with it? Or do you just hold it for the night?
> ...



When I lived in the dorms at my university, I had two room mates; there were three of us and one bathroom. We would usually get up in the morning at approximately the same time. We all seemed to do our morning "duties" within about a half hour time period. Initially, I didn't want to be the first one to do my "duties" and stink out the bathroom, but then I realized I would just end up getting stunk out myself if I waited. One of the important lessons in life that I've learned is to stink out or be stunk out. The only exception is when there are people around you, whom you wish to impress, in which case I'd recommend holding out.

...


BigCutieSasha said:


> (wow... I feel like a dork talking about this subject lol)


Don't worry, I think I've already set the bar on that... at least in this thread... 



RedVelvet said:


> I'm so alarmed by this.
> 
> really.
> 
> alarmed.



RedVelvet, bear in mind that Alaskan winters are long, cold and dark. From that perspective, the fixation on anything warm and fresh is understandable.

BTW, if it helps... they use shellac on the earrings.

Personally, it's the "moose pills" that concern me.


----------



## ripley (Aug 1, 2007)

I'm worried about moose_pellet_man_stan and his obsession with moose poop.


----------



## EbonySSBBW (Aug 1, 2007)

BigCutieSasha said:


> For the comment about you don't have to answer the phone every time it rings, when your in the can, what about when your on a phone call and you have been on it for a while? Then you get that rumble and you just know you need to take a stroll over to the potty and do your duty. I personally think this is what the mute button is for.  Most of my good friends have at one point, if they knew it or not, have been on the phone with me while I was in the process of making my pants fit better. I won't name names, but some Dims folk have fell victim to the mute button with me.  hehe
> 
> I've also seen a bit in this thread about going to the bathroom at work and privacy and noise and such. But what about when your at a friends place, or a party, and you KNOW other people are waiting outside that door. Does anyone else find themselves in that kind of situation? If so, how do you deal with it? Or do you just hold it for the night? (wow... I feel like a dork talking about this subject lol)


 

I don't know if this has already been said in this thread but what I use if I am forced (I try to avoid it at all costs) into one of these situations is running water and the quick flush. A quick flush right away before there is a chance for any, ummm, issues. lol


----------



## Michelle (Aug 1, 2007)

Want to know a good way to get your system regulated? Get a colonoscopy!

This thread is like the scene of an accident for me. It's repulsive and I can't stop reading it. Before I click on it, I close my eyes.

Here's a question for you ... ever feel like you're casting away a redwood tree and it turns out to be little, bitty rabbit sized? Or vice versa?

Also, here's The Scoop on Poop. It even includes photos! http://www.heptune.com/poop.html

ETA: I particulary enjoyed the poop poetry.


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Aug 1, 2007)

EbonySSBBW said:


> I don't know if this has already been said in this thread but what I use if I am forced (I try to avoid it at all costs) into one of these situations is running water and the quick flush. A quick flush right away before there is a chance for any, ummm, issues. lol



Yes! I must agree. While being a guest in someones house for the past few weeks, and noticing that the bathroom has a loud echo to it, I've had to run the water. Also something to do in times of avoiding sounds, I "cough". lol Then i grab perfume, hairspray, anything with a scent, just to be 007 about me even being in there.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 1, 2007)

It's only crap, people. Get a grip.


----------



## mossystate (Aug 1, 2007)

Mmmmmmmm...Calvin Klein Obsession....and shit.....


----------



## Jes (Aug 1, 2007)

HEY, Light A Match, will ya?


----------



## This1Yankee (Aug 1, 2007)

Michelle said:


> Want to know a good way to get your system regulated? Get a colonoscopy!


 

OR, get a high colonic! They light aromatherapy candles, they detox your system, and literally suck the feces out of your intestines. You are shiny and new and ten lbs lighter. Also, it really helps to get rid of bloat. I hate bloat. It makes me feel like the GoodYear Blimp.


----------



## Jes (Aug 1, 2007)

i need you to describe this process in vivid vivid detail here. seriously. i've always wondered. 

who was it who did a shat? not a shit? a character in Naked Lunch?? 

he didn't eat for 10 days and said at the end of it, he shat (not shit). and it got rid of everything that had been loitering in there for a long time.


----------



## This1Yankee (Aug 1, 2007)

After completing a health history form and consulting with the colon hydrotherapist, the client is asked to change into a gown and lie face up on a treatment table. The colon therapist inserts a disposable speculum into the anus. The speculum is connected to a long disposable plastic hose connected to the colon hydrotherapy unit. Warm, filtered water is slowly released into the colon. The water causes the muscles of the colon to contract, called peristalsis. Peristalsis "pushes" feces out through the hose to be disposed in a closed waste system. The client and the therapist do not smell the feces. The therapist usually looks at the feces through the clear hose, and may comment on the color. The client may feel some discomfort in the abdomen. The therapist may apply light massage to the client's abdominal area to facilitate the process. After the session, the therapist leaves the room, and the client may sit on a toilet to pass any residual water and stools.

A typical session lasts 45 minutes to one hour. 


Benefits of Colonics
removes accumulated waste from the colon
may help prevent constipation
may improve overall health

Health professionals are divided over the use of colonics. The majority of conventional doctors do not feel colonics can improve overall health. They believe they should only be used before certain medical procedures, such as a colonoscopy, or occasionally for constipation.

Proponents of colon hydrotherapy believe that fecal matter can accumulate and harden in the colon. They believe this buildup of fecal matter may: 
prevent the absorption of water and nutrients
lead to constipation
allow harmful colon bacteria and yeast to grow
cause stagnant toxins to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the colon wall (called autointoxication)

Lack of fiber, excess sugar, and a diet high in red meat are believed to contribute to the problem. 


Consult your primary care provider before having a colonic. People with certain conditions, such as diverticular disease, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease, severe hemorrhoids, blood vessel disease, congestive heart failure, heart disease, severe anemia, abdominal hernia, gastrointestinal cancer, recent colon surgery, and intestinal tumors should not have a colonic.

Pregnant women, especially in the first and third trimester, should not have a colonic as it may stimulate uterine contractions. 

Side effects may include nausea and fatigue after the session, which can last for several hours.

Although infrequent, complications may include perforation of the abdominal wall, electrolyte imbalance, and heart failure caused by excessive absorption of water. 

*courtesy of About.com


----------



## Jes (Aug 1, 2007)

have you?







PANTS ALREADY!


----------



## love dubh (Aug 1, 2007)

Upon Jes's urging I present my shit story.

Two glasses of soda + cake = a swift and merciless reprimand from my digestive system. 

I thought it was because I rarely eat sweets, and this was me being atypically indulgent, and my body was kickin' my ass for it. But, no, it's stupid chemistry. DAMN YOU, SCIENCE. DAMN YOU!

In the eloquent words of Ms. Casey, it was shit city.


----------



## This1Yankee (Aug 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> have you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 

No, but I want to badly. It's a little costly, since it's "alternative medicine", very few insurance plans pay for it. Sounds lovely though, doesn't it?! We can go together, and hold hands, Jes.


----------



## Jes (Aug 1, 2007)

are you kidding me? that would cause my vaso vagal nerve response to give me a reverse orgasm!


----------



## This1Yankee (Aug 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> are you kidding me? that would cause my vaso vagal nerve response to give me a reverse orgasm!


 

Yes, dollface, I was kidding. But I do want to get it done...when I have a few hundred dollars lying around.


----------



## Jes (Aug 1, 2007)

i'll do it for 10 bucks.

fleet enema and 2 candles. and i'll hold my nose. but not yours.


----------



## This1Yankee (Aug 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> i'll do it for 10 bucks.
> 
> fleet enema and 2 candles. and i'll hold my nose. but not yours.


 

Do you have some plastic tubing and duct tape? Then neither of us would have to smell it. We could continously light matches though, just in case.


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 1, 2007)

ripley said:


> I'm worried about moose_pellet_man_stan and his obsession with moose poop.


Don't worry Rip, that obsession has passed since moving to warmer climes... 


Michelle said:


> ...
> Here's a question for you ... ever feel like you're casting away a redwood tree and it turns out to be little, bitty rabbit sized? Or vice versa?


That happens to me too, not only does it feel like a redwood tree, it feels like there are knots sticking out all over it.



Michelle said:


> ETA: I particulary enjoyed the poop poetry.


I agree Michell, there is nothing better than good poo prose...



Santaclear said:


> It's only crap, people. Get a grip.


HA! I know you're just shittin' us Santaclear...

Also, no poop thread is complete without mention of Mr. Hankey:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Hankey,_the_Christmas_Poo_(episode)

poo_man_stan


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## Jes (Aug 10, 2007)

STILL HAVING PROBS.

carry on.


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 10, 2007)

One thing I've always had a problem with, is the expression "take a shit". I don't know anybody who "takes" shit, other than a beagle that my mom used to have. For all practical purposes, one is actually "putting a shit".

It should be... "I have to put a shit".

Just a thought... Any linguists out there with some influence? Aah... they probably don't give a shit...


fa_man_stan


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## Jes (Aug 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> One thing I've always had a problem with, is the expression "take a shit". I don't know anybody who "takes" shit, other than a beagle that my mom used to have. For all practical purposes, one is actually "putting a shit".
> 
> It should be... "I have to put a shit".
> 
> ...



it's leaving a shit, actually.

and it's take b/c it's an action. you're taking a vacation. even though you're GOING on one. see? action.


----------



## This1Yankee (Aug 10, 2007)

Jes said:


> STILL HAVING PROBS.
> 
> carry on.


 

GastroIntestinal Specialist.

Find one.

Quick.

That's my official medical opinion, look for your bill in the mail


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 10, 2007)

Jes said:


> fa_man_stan said:
> 
> 
> > One thing I've always had a problem with, is the expression "take a shit". I don't know anybody who "takes" shit, other than a beagle that my mom used to have. For all practical purposes, one is actually "putting a shit".
> ...



Yeah, I guess you're right Jes... gramatically anyway. I just have trouble with "taking shit"... I imagine there are others who have the same hang-up.

fa_man_stan


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## mossystate (Aug 10, 2007)

I detect some constipation on this thread


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 10, 2007)

Mossy, I think you should get some kudos for posting a subject that few would dare touch. This thread has been having quiet a run.

fa_man_stan


----------



## mossystate (Aug 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> Mossy, I think you should get some kudos for posting a subject that few would dare touch. This thread has been having quiet a run.
> 
> fa_man_stan



I was referring to your having such an issue with ' taking a shit ' 


Pooping.. we all do it, sooner or later. Some just need it now, others pray for a reprieve.

Runs..so not fun..in the case of, well, this..and...Cats, the musical..


----------



## AnnMarie (Aug 10, 2007)

From a conversation Carla and I had the other day.... 

Oreos. Really. 

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????????


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 11, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Runs..so not fun..in the case of, well, this..and...Cats, the musical..



What about _Runs!  - the Musical!_


----------



## mossystate (Aug 11, 2007)

I was a stagehand..still in therapy..


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 11, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> From a conversation Carla and I had the other day....
> 
> Oreos. Really.
> 
> Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????????



I'm actually surprised by oreos... you'd think they have a decent amount of fiber in them considering the way they twist apart without breaking?! Go figure...

Also, I don't know if this is the right thread to admit this... I've been a real party pooper lately.

party_pooper_stan


----------



## Fuzzy (Aug 12, 2007)

Ever since they took the trans fats out of Oreos.. the world has never been the same.


----------



## AnnMarie (Aug 12, 2007)

I should have been more specific... it was related to the drastic color change that they cause. We figured they must actually be dyed that dark/brown-black color, because there is just no other explanation that makes sense. 

Eep.


----------



## Ash (Aug 12, 2007)

This past holiday season Cold Stone had this Dark Chocolate Peppermint ice cream.

Same effect as the Oreos.

:huh:


----------



## AnnMarie (Aug 13, 2007)

My Bidush is now installed and functioning and my pooping life at home has changed forever. I will probably make a full thread on this on the health board at some point... something that others might find fun/useful/helpful. 


(That site is just for pictures/explanation... they don't appear to sell it.)


----------



## Tina (Aug 13, 2007)

AM, I'd love one of those things. Are they expensive?

As for poop news, vitamin C and plenty of fiber and flax seeds mean all is well south of the equator.


----------



## AnnMarie (Aug 13, 2007)

Tina said:


> AM, I'd love one of those things. Are they expensive?
> 
> As for poop news, vitamin C and plenty of fiber and flax seeds mean all is well south of the equator.



Nope, about $60 bucks. 

It takes about 10 minutes to install if you've got all the right stuff on hand, and it works REALLY well. 

Heather actually turned me on to it when she got it. She'd tried two other types in the past but they broke under the toilet seat (fat girl was too much for their pieces). She's had this particular one for almost a year now, and recently got one for her other bathroom because she's so damned used to it. 

I figured I'd have no need because I don't have a reach problem or limitation, but after I used it I was sold. You're totally clean!!!! And like, one paper swipe and voila... all done. I'm hoping I can save on toilet paper! lol 

I don't have the place she got it from on hand, but when I post it on the health board I hope to have the place she used. She's now ordered about 7 of them (presents, orders for other people, etc) from the same guy and he's been wonderful. Offered to take it back from her if it broke, etc. 

The thing I like most is that the little handle you use for the pressure is far enough out that I can easily reach it... my hips aren't in the way at all.


----------



## Tina (Aug 13, 2007)

Oh, this sounds promising, AM. I don't have a reach problem, either, but I've always felt that bidets just clean better. Does it heat up the water, or is it...uh... invigorating?  Thanks!


----------



## mossystate (Aug 13, 2007)

Wow..I really like the idea of this product! I do not have a problem with reach, etc, but would be grand to get that nice little pick-me-up.

Speaking of toilets, I seem to do too much shifting when I wipe. This toilet seat was not moving at all when I first moved in ( 2 and a half months ago )..now..I think I will be visiting a Home Depot...soon...damn belly..


----------



## AnnMarie (Aug 13, 2007)

Tina said:


> Oh, this sounds promising, AM. I don't have a reach problem, either, but I've always felt that bidets just clean better. Does it heat up the water, or is it...uh... invigorating?  Thanks!



It's invigorating!  You can obviously pay more for something that would heat it up, but once you do it once, the temp is not an issue... you know what to expect.  (haha... just kidding, really not that bad)



mossystate said:


> Speaking of toilets, I seem to do too much shifting when I wipe. This toilet seat was not moving at all when I first moved in ( 2 and a half months ago )..now..I think I will be visiting a Home Depot...soon...damn belly..



I twist a lot as well (especially since one side of my toilet is about 6 inches from the wall, and I'm NOT just 6 inches of overhang), and find that as long as I tighten up the screws every so often I don't have too much issue. I don't know if that will eventually cause any issue with the bidet attachment, but I think it will be fine as long as I keep an eye out for drift.


----------



## Jes (Aug 13, 2007)

ahem.

having the european family connections and travel experiences i've been lucky enough to have, I learned about the joy of a bidet (sounds dirty. i don't mean it in the dirty way) early on. It's not size related, for me, it's just...a good idea!

So how does this thing work? how EXACTLY? i didn't find anything on the site...unless I missed it.

ps: when we traveled in hotels in france on a school trip, we used our bidets as ice coolers for our drinkies! Sounds gross, but they were sterilized by the cleaning staff and all the drinks were sealed while they were stuck into the ice.


----------



## AnnMarie (Aug 13, 2007)

Okay, just to be crystal clear... I don't think you'd only need/use a bidet if you have reach issues... I just meant that I personally figured what's the difference? I do it anyway, don't really need the water helper. 

Anyway... Jes, there are instructions and pictures on that page that pretty much run it down. 

Basically, it hooks into the water supply of the toilet, so you push down the lever on the right side, and you get a spray of water from the nozzle located at the bottom center of the unit (which rests on the back side of the toilet bowl rim). It mounts under your toilet seat at the back of the toilet, so it's completely out of the way. There are spacers so the toilet seat doesn't rest directly on it, so you won't break the unit. 

The lever controls the pressure of the water... so you press a little or a lot depending on the amount of water or concentration of stream, etc. 

It's good stuff.


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 13, 2007)

The best way I've found to deal with a toilet seat constantly loosening up is to purchase one with metal bolts (and a nice sturdy hinge), don't use the stock plastic (or nylon) nuts that are packaged with it, purchase a couple of nylon ringed stop nuts (stainless steel if available). Lowes Hardware or any good ACE Hardware will have them.







The toilet seat should come with nice wide plastic (or nylon) fender washers, if it doesn't purchase a set. The nylon washers go underneath the toilet, between the stop nuts and the porcelain. Tighten the stop nuts just until they are snug and the toilet seat doesn't slide around, overtightning can crack the toilet. You will be better off if you have a deep socket wrench to tighten the nuts, but a crescent wrench will work, it will just take a bit of time to tighten them.

Stan


----------



## stan_der_man (Sep 27, 2007)

My daughter made a turd so big this morning it could be floated down a river and send to a sawmill.


I'm tempted to stop at an over pass where the 215 & 10 meet and drop it into the mighty Santa Ana on my way to work. There's water flowing at the moment after the recent rains.







Look out Orange County here it comes...




Actually, when we flush the toilet that's where it's headed anyway.


----------



## Jes (Sep 27, 2007)

i'm trying to help a poor lass with her butt probs on the health board. Diet won't do it. It's about spasm.

I don't know how I got my prob when I had it, but I'd never had anything like it before or since. It was truly excruciating and I was horrified each and every time I had to go to the bathroom for any reason. 

thank god for heart meds!


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 27, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> My daughter made a turd so big this morning it could be floated down a river and send to a sawmill.
> 
> I'm tempted to stop at an over pass where the 215 & 10 meet and drop it into the mighty Santa Ana on my way to work. There's water flowing at the moment after the recent rains.
> 
> ...



I was trying to sleep, Stan, when you posted this and it woke me up.


----------



## mossystate (Sep 27, 2007)

I am eating peanut butter on crackers...and I visit this thread...Dims is messing with my good sense!


----------



## Jes (Sep 27, 2007)

is the resurgence of this thread the harbinger of poop doom?

i just had to poop and let me tell you... some days, you just feel like you could poop forever. and not like over the summer. not a little, often. More like a lot, often! I did have lots of hummus over the last 2 days...


----------



## Jes (Sep 27, 2007)

i pooped so hard i have a headache.


----------



## stan_der_man (Sep 28, 2007)

One technical correction I just thought of...


We live on the other side of the mountain from San Bernardino, our sewage flows into the Mojave River...



LOOK OUT MISSAF, HERE IT COMES!



Jes said:


> i pooped so hard i have a headache.



The other day, my poop was so hard that the other end ached.


----------



## Ash (Sep 29, 2007)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsVgi8hoFFc

I <3 Scrubs.


----------



## Jes (Sep 29, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> One technical correction I just thought of...
> 
> 
> We live on the other side of the mountain from San Bernardino, our sewage flows into the Mojave River...
> ...



Not a lot of eating. Then, too much eating. But w/o veggies. Then, a bit of drinking (not a lot). Then long car rides. With hills. Then, a big purple dress and heels and pantyhose. Mixed in with a lot of pooping.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 29, 2007)

Jes said:


> i pooped so hard i have a headache.



Oh gawd... this is sooooooo hot......:wubu:


----------



## love dubh (Oct 1, 2007)

Ya know when you sit down to do your bidness, and you have, like, a several second clarion call of butt trumpeting before you actually poop? What's up with that? And is anyone as self conscious as me (read: a lot) about this, when at other people's houses?


----------



## Michelle (Oct 1, 2007)

I have to have an MRI in one hour. What if I have to poop in the middle of it?


----------



## Jes (Oct 2, 2007)

i made a pooper today.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 2, 2007)

love dubh said:


> Ya know when you sit down to do your bidness, and you have, like, a several second clarion call of butt trumpeting before you actually poop? What's up with that? And is anyone as self conscious as me (read: a lot) about this, when at other people's houses?




I have actually taken toilet paper ( a nice little wad ) and pressed it up against my puckered little friend and , well, you will know what pressure..etc..you need to do to help shush the orchestra.


----------



## Jes (Oct 2, 2007)

have not thought of that.

i am a big fan of the courtesy flush and the faucet running tricks. Oh yes, I am.


----------



## stan_der_man (Oct 2, 2007)

I am so anal retentive, I've tried to train myself to be able to fart silently.




It hasn't been successful so far...








I'm getting very frustrated about it, sometimes the pressure just builds up inside of me if you know what I'm saying...

anal_man_stan


----------



## Jes (Oct 2, 2007)

if you're sitting on a fabric seat (plane, nice bus, couch) you can very quietly, and stinklessly, fart if you go very slowly.


----------



## swordchick (Oct 12, 2007)

love dubh said:


> Ya know when you sit down to do your bidness, and you have, like, a several second clarion call of butt trumpeting before you actually poop? What's up with that? And is anyone as self conscious as me (read: a lot) about this, when at other people's houses?


 
Oh yes, I hate when it happens. But the key is to pull your butt cheeks open to prevent the butt trumpeting. And to prevent odors, you must try "Just A Drop".


----------



## Jes (Oct 12, 2007)

So.


I am back to pooping a lot.

But not in the bad way. Just in the a lot way.

This week has been meatless. Not intentionally, it just worked out that way. Dinners have been 3-cheese grilled cheeses, and llunch has been vegan black bean chili. It's good, but after 4 days, i'm tired of it. 

Anyway, talk about moving things along! I'm guessing it's the beans/roughage? I don't know. If I could sell this stuff as manure, I'd be rich right now.


----------



## Michelle (Oct 12, 2007)

You COULD sell it as manure. Just poop it out into a dry place, let it dry, crumble it up and bag it. You really should supplement your dinners with some alfalfa though, to make it a little more nutrient rich.


----------



## Jes (Oct 12, 2007)

Michelle said:


> You COULD sell it as manure. Just poop it out into a dry place, let it dry, crumble it up and bag it. You really should supplement your dinners with some alfalfa though, to make it a little more nutrient rich.



and who am I gonna sell it to, Michelle? You buyin'?


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## Michelle (Oct 12, 2007)

Offer a free mini-bag of manure with each sale of a piece of jewelry. Then when people see how well it makes their veggies and flowers grow, they'll start asking for more and then that's when you sell it outright. After all, jewelry lovers also have to eat and like flowers, right?


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## Jes (Oct 13, 2007)

you don't think that'd be overkill? i already lick each and every piece I make before sale. Often, they end up in a bad roll or in my cleavage. 

I don't charge extra for that, though.


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## Jes (Oct 19, 2007)

my god, how you all must have worried and wondered.

but yes. i'm still doing a great job with the pooping!


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## stan_der_man (Oct 20, 2007)

I had a really good poop story to tell, but with the Dims outage I completely forgot what it was. I'm totally brain farting here.

fart_man_stan


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## Smushygirl (Oct 20, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> I had a really good poop story to tell, but with the Dims outage I completely forgot what it was. I'm totally brain farting here.
> 
> fart_man_stan



Crapped out, eh?


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## Jes (Oct 20, 2007)

smush, i miss pooping with you.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Oct 24, 2007)

All I can say is I feel pride as a father when you can see the business your 4 year-old made in the toilet. A man has to respect a BM that impressive in someone so small.

I wouldn't so much call it a turd (or "nugget" as he puts it...comparatively speaking, if that's a nugget I would hate to see the 'boulder'), but that sucker was so big I heard a sonar PING as it flushed.

/We shhail into hishtory
//I would like to have seen Montana
///Obscure?


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## stan_der_man (Oct 29, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> All I can say is I feel pride as a father when you can see the business your 4 year-old made in the toilet. A man has to respect a BM that impressive in someone so small.
> ...


I can completely relate Mr. Snackbar! I have a theory that at 4 years of age, children have one big gradually curving lower intestine. Just a theory...











fa_man_stan said:


> I had a really good poop story to tell, but with the Dims outage I completely forgot what it was. I'm totally brain farting here.
> 
> fart_man_stan


I just remembered what I was going to post... video forthcoming.

fa_man_stan


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## mango (Oct 29, 2007)

**UPDATE*

I've decided to add more fibre to my diet.


Will keep you all posted.


*


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## Jes (Oct 29, 2007)

seriously==eat my vegan blackbean chili for 4 days. you will be frightened and amazed by what happens. it's altogether otherworldly.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Oct 29, 2007)

This is an internet classic, so I figured it apropos to post here.

_Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night, which means that macaroni and beef were on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kids' night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. 

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you. In all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. 

There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern. 

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... 

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall. 

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position one's ass toward said toilet, hooking one's fingers into one's waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one's ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer. 

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids' night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag
reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started wanting a rematch. 

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing
since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake... you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency
of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. 

But remember I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit
itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high- pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon. 

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles. 

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. 

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of
my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. 

And there was no fucking toilet paper. 

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no
way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign. 

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to he (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I'd had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was
about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time
being. She left. 

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of
duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. 

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the
previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way. 

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff was there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. 

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten._


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## Jes (Oct 29, 2007)

jesus. too long. can't read if too long.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Oct 29, 2007)

Jes said:


> jesus. too long. can't read if too long.


The accepted acronym is tl;dr (too long, didn't read).  Apologies for bombing the thread with an overlong article, but it gets infinitely better as you go along.


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## Jes (Oct 29, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> The accepted acronym is tl;dr (too long, didn't read). .



not to me, it isn't, and since i was posting as me, not you, i chose appropriately.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 29, 2007)

Jes said:


> jesus. too long. can't read if too long.



I was hoping it just wasn't me.......


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Oct 30, 2007)

I will endeavor to keep my posts limited to sound bytes and monosyllabics so as not to tax the eye with too many of those word things. Or, at the very least, just limit it to the link. Christ on a skateboard...it's a forum thread about BOWEL MOVEMENTS, people! Men live to talk about the myriad ways they can take a dump! 

Can someone find me a text to speech converter? I'm getting reports of corrective lens wearers having to go up 1.5 diopters just trying to read a dozen paragraphs. I'll be over here writing my Cliff's Notes for the Gettysburg Address. Something like "Four score and seven years ago...we kicked ass."

Seriously, all sarcasm aside, do we need a mod to redact my post to just the first line?

_At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking._


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## Jes (Oct 30, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Seriously, all sarcasm aside, do we need a mod to redact my post to just the first line?
> .[/I]



of course not. we just don't all want to read something 8000 screens long is all.


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## out.of.habit (Oct 30, 2007)

Oh GOD, I was going to faint if he had to walk through the restaurant like that, and get in the car. Talk about calm under pressure! I'm not usually quite so amused by shit stories, but you're right... it does get better and better.
I'd be traumatized. lol


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## stan_der_man (Oct 30, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> The accepted acronym is tl;dr (too long, didn't read).  Apologies for bombing the thread with an overlong article, but it gets infinitely better as you go along.



dr; vsrt
(did read; very short retention though)

No worries Snackbar, it was a good article none the less.

That would cool to have a bathroom that can be hosed down! I'll 'fess Snackbar, I agree with the others, your article was a bit of a stretch to read even with the intellect which I posses, a picture can say a thousand words... but then again this is a thread about poop.


Anyhoo... here is my special little contribution to the Poop Chronicles. The nice thing about evacuations is having extra time to do those special things that you never otherwise make the time to do. This needed to be documented, it's my mother's magic double flushing toilet.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJtPXu96TQM



can_man_stan


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## Jes (Oct 30, 2007)

i watched and i saw a special dims in-joke


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## mossystate (Oct 30, 2007)

' The nice thing about evacuations '


hey..no changing the name of this thread...


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## imfree (Oct 30, 2007)

Jes said:


> jesus. too long. can't read if too long.



Hahaha!!! That's a great read that gets better as it goes!


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## Jes (Oct 31, 2007)

imfree said:


> Hahaha!!! That's a great read that gets better as it goes!



honey, that's six months of my life that i ain't ever gettin' back! i just don't have that kinda time for one thing...


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Oct 31, 2007)

Jes said:


> honey, that's six months of my life that i ain't ever gettin' back! i just don't have that kinda time for one thing...



Next time I'll render it in haiku:

Blossoming asshole
stall covered in shit bomb paint
no fucking Tee Pee


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## stan_der_man (Oct 31, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Next time I'll render it in haiku:
> 
> Blossoming asshole
> stall covered in shit bomb paint
> no fucking Tee Pee



Poo Haiku, I can see that catching on in coffee shops.

Would you like a Pottay Latte, Pee-pees and Cremé, or a Poopachino?



fu_man_stan


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 31, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Next time I'll render it in haiku:
> 
> Blossoming asshole
> stall covered in shit bomb paint
> no fucking Tee Pee




Lol.....you really seem to have thought this out.....


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## Ash (Oct 31, 2007)

Jes said:


> honey, that's six months of my life that i ain't ever gettin' back! i just don't have that kinda time for one thing...



Print it off and take it with you the next time you have to...make a deposit. 

Is it weird to use poo innuendo in the poo thread?


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## Jes (Nov 1, 2007)

Ashley said:


> Print it off and take it with you the next time you have to...make a deposit.
> 
> Is it weird to use poo innuendo in the poo thread?



i'm an incredibly quick pooper. and thank god for that. of all the things i want to linger over, i've never wanted it to be that!

i'm in and i'm out! just like the poop itself! and then it's flushville.

i think there are only 2 reasons men take so long.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Nov 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> i think there are only 2 reasons men take so long.


 1) It's often the only place in the house where we can get 20 minutes of uninterrupted peace.

2) Reading a good book or a copy of Soldier of Fortune takes our minds off the godawful smelly business we have to complete.


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## Jes (Nov 1, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> 1) It's often the only place in the house where we can get 20 minutes of uninterrupted peace.
> 
> 2) Reading a good book or a copy of Soldier of Fortune takes our minds off the godawful smelly business we have to complete.



sure!

if you swap out 2 above for your prostate!


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## Santaclear (Nov 1, 2007)

This thread might have to be evacuated.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Nov 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> sure!
> 
> if you swap out 2 above for your prostate!


Prostate massage and passing a U-boat are two entirely different experiences, my dear. The first is intensely pleasurable, one is not.


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## Jes (Nov 1, 2007)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Prostate massage and passing a U-boat are two entirely different experiences, my dear. The first is intensely pleasurable, one is not.



so you say. many a man has admitted different to me. YPMV


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Nov 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> so you say. many a man has admitted different to me. YPMV


 I would think any juxtaposition of orgasm and defecation has all sorts of wrong associated with it. But then that's just me and my butt talking.


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## Smushygirl (Nov 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> sure!
> 
> if you swap out 2 above for your prostate!



You know this explains a lot! I've often wondered why men like taking a shit so much! Prostate massage! :doh:


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## Jes (Nov 1, 2007)

Smushygirl said:


> You know this explains a lot! I've often wondered why men like taking a shit so much! Prostate massage! :doh:



hello!
there's a reason boys/young men/teenagers are so anal! I'm sure some aren't even aware of the connection with pooping but if we all look down deep (no, not there, in our hearts) we'll probably all see something that points us that way.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Nov 1, 2007)

Jes said:


> hello!
> there's a reason boys/young men/teenagers are so anal! I'm sure some aren't even aware of the connection with pooping but if we all look down deep (no, not there, in our hearts) we'll probably all see something that points us that way.


 Men through anatomy just happen to have their exit hole near their male g-spot. You ladies had it flipped 180 degrees during embryological development. I think it makes more sense from a pleasure perspective (enhancing the theory of females as the stronger sex), but then you pass children through that orifice which is 10x the size of the average BM.

This whole discussion has me crossing my legs and cringing for some reason. Have these horrible flashbacks to when somebody goatse'd me for the first time.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 10, 2008)

Oh bumpity bump bump bump :wubu:


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