# Anne of Cleavage - By Id (Both, ~MWG, ~Sex, Historical Fiction, Romance)



## The Id (Jun 14, 2009)

_(Both, ~MWG, ~Sex, Historical Fiction, Romance)_ - A different outcome to Henry VIII's fourth marriage

(*Author’s Note:* In writing this story, I attempted to be as historically accurate is as possible. I consulted The Six Wives of Henry VIII by Alison Weir for factual details and recommend it if you are interested in the period. Though not always historically accurate, I used _The Tudors_ as a guide for the feel of the story and highly recommend it for some good entertainment (accordingly, feel free to visualize folks from the show in these roles as best as possible—especially Joss Stone as Anne). Fact dominates in the beginning before giving way to fiction, which is largely informed by the facts. Accordingly, the beginning may be a little heavy, but I hope you shall all find that perseverance will be rewarded!)

*Anne of Cleavage
By Id​*

“I like her not!” Henry VIII, King of England and the second of the Tudor dynasty, yelled at his Privy Council.

Very few of the assembled lords and officials of the realm met Henry’s eyes, which seemed to burn with an inward fire that was reserved only for when the King was greatly displeased. Thomas Cromwell, Lord Privy Seal, Chancellor, and the strongest member of the Privy Council, was one of this number. He knew that this would not be the only upbraiding he would receive on this subject, but it would without question be the most public.

“She is nothing at all like I was led to believe by every single one of you!” Henry continued to rage, “She possesses none of the virtues that I am known to value in women. She barely even speaks English!”

Henry paused in front of Sir Nicholas Wotton, the ambassador who had been sent to the continent to arrange the marriage. _“SHE LOOKS LIKE A HORSE!”_ Henry bellowed.

The woman in question was Anne of Cleves, the sister of William the Rich, the Duke of Cleves. She was the woman to whom Henry had contracted to make his fourth wife in just a few days time. Henry had met her the day before in a state of complete anticipation and excitement. Upon seeing her, his enthusiasm had evaporated completely and now the King was making this fact very public to the men who had helped arrange the marriage.

“If I—” Wotton began.

“Silence!” Henry barked, “I was told that she had the fairest skin in all of Europe and then I discover that she is of a brown complexion. I am told that she is cultivated in every degree, yet she is ignorant of music, dancing, and literature. I have been utterly disappointed in _every_ respect.” Henry paused in front of Cromwell for a moment of utter silence to wordlessly communicate his displeasure with his Chancellor in particular. “I find the very thought of marriage to her repugnant. It is more than that—it is odious. Accordingly, I have instructed my lawyers to examine the marriage contract to determine its validity, which I now begin to believe it is not.”

“Your Majesty, if I may…” Cromwell said hesitantly, “While the marriage may indeed be invalid, you have no choice but to continue with the marriage. It would be an embarrassment to England if the wedding were to be called off now, when all the preparations have been made and the peerage assembled from throughout the kingdom. Furthermore…there is the matter of the Treaty of Nice. With the Emperor now allied with France, England’s position in Europe is precarious. If you were to spurn Cleves by so publicly insulting the Duke’s sister, he would likely turn the Schmalkaldic League against England, isolating it at best and declaring war at worst. Your Majesty, you must marry Ann…for the good of the realm.”

The chancellor’s words hung heavy in the room and no one said anything as Henry glared angrily at Cromwell.

“Get out of my sight,” Henry said contemptibly, dismissing the Privy Council, “Charles, stay a moment.” The Privy Council exited, all of them glad to be removed from His Majesty’s wrath—and none more so than Cromwell—save for one. The man who remained behind was Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, the King’s closest friend and confidant for many years.

As soon as the two were alone, Henry sighed and took a seat. Ever since Jane Seymour, Henry’s third wife, had died, the King had steadily put on weight. Worsening matters was the fact that one of his legs was troubling him from an old jousting accident, which sometimes even rendered the King immobile. Furthermore, the feasting that occurred at Henry’s court was sumptuous and marvelous. He had one of the best laid tables in all of Europe and now that Henry’s sporting activities were becoming rarer and rarer, it was beginning to show on his figure.

Henry had become quite a large man over the last two years. He was a giant of a man in every physical respect. Most of his weight went straight to his belly, which had become a gigantic gut. It spilled heavily over what would have been his waist, creating large love handles on both sides. The rest of him was equally large, but his immense belly was by far the largest thing about the King. Henry’s waistline had expanded just as quickly as his coffers had under the dissolution of the abbeys. He had recently been measured for a new suit of armor and his waist measurement had been a rotund 54 inches. This was despite the fact that Henry was incredibly tall, a full 6 feet and 3 inches. The King’s thighs were like tubby tree trunks made of lard. When Henry could move around, they rubbed together continuously. Even his knees were pudgy. Henry’s breasts were not immune to his weight gain. They had grown largely and flabby—though only a few of Henry’s manservants saw them when they dressed the King and speaking of such thing to others could easily be punishable by death. Even Henry’s arms, which worked the hardest of any part of the King as they brought tremendous volumes of food to his mouth, jiggled with excess weight. Since the King had abandoned his active lifestyle to sit on the royal rump it was appropriate that Henry’s bum had become a certified fat ass. Henry had plenty of fat cells padding his butt for his new sedentary lifestyle.

It was into his gargantuan belly that Henry poured every delicacy that his cooks could presented to him. There were dishes made from pheasant, swan, dolphin, and songbird. Spices from the Orient added new and exciting flavors to his meals. Good stout English ale was always present, and exotic alcoholic spirits imported from Arabia were brought periodically as well. There was even a novelty called sugar that was being brought back from the New World, along with vegetables and animals that boggled the mind. Puddings of every variety were always at Henry’s table and he decadently devoured them with gusto. The King stuffed himself at every meal until he was completely satisfied—and for a man as large as himself that took quite a bit of food.

Henry freely acknowledged that he was a man of prodigious bulk, but that didn’t seem to be a problem for him. In fact Henry had his wardrobe redesigned to feature garments with built up shoulders and bulky sleeves, which made a man of Henry’s size look much better than in the previous fashion. Accordingly, all the men at court changed their wardrobes to the same style in imitation of their beloved King even though it didn’t flatter their figures at all.

“Charles…what am I to do?” Henry said despondently, “I cannot stand her, but I am told I have no other option but to enter into a marriage I find to be interminable.”

“Though I am loathe to admit it, the Chancellor appears to have accurately surveyed the situation,” Brandon said, “With the Emperor and King Francis at peace with each other, England must turn to the Germanic states for partnership if she is not to become completely isolated.”

“I will not suffer this Charles—I cannot!” Henry said adamantly, “I will not be married to this woman even if she brought me a hundred thousand German mercenaries!”

“Your Majesty, the marriages of kings are subject to influences separate from those governing private citizens, a fact of which I know you are well aware,” Brandon said, “While it pains me to say so, you must go through with this marriage.”

“I like her not,” Henry fumed once more, “I like her not at all.”

The Duke of Suffolk paused. “Your Majesty, I will do everything in my power to ameliorate this circumstance with as much expedience as possible. You have my word on that.”

“Charles, if you could do that, you would have my friendship and favor for as long as we both shall live,” Henry said earnestly.

“It is favor enough for me to serve Your Most Gracious Majesty,” Charles Brandon said, bowing low to his monarch.

***

In public, Thomas Cromwell seemed unperturbed by the recent turn of events, dispatching the business of the court with all of his usual efficiency and energy. Indeed, with the King’s marriage rapidly approaching, there was quite a bit of business to take care of these days, keeping the Chancellor quite busy.

It was only when the chancellor was completely alone at the end of the day that he allowed the façade to fall. Cromwell had been the primary force behind the marriage of Anne to Henry. By allying England with Cleves and the Schmalkaldic League, it would draw her firmly into the bosom of Protestantism, which Cromwell had worked tirelessly to promote in England. Politically, it promised independence from the whims of the Pope completely, allowing England to finally stand on equal footing with France and the Holy Roman Empire. This was to say nothing about the production of a second heir to further buttress the Tudor dynasty’s future.

Cromwell had poured his entire political future into the marriage of Henry and Anne. Perhaps it had been a mistake to have had Anne praised as highly as she had been and from every quarter. Then again, it had been necessary to ensure that the marriage even occurred. The King was a man of discerning tastes and only the finest young woman would do for him. Unfortunately, it turned out Anne did not meet his high standards and now the Chancellor was in the most precarious position of his career.

In the face of such danger, there was only one thing to do. Thomas Cromwell got down on his knees and began to pray.

“Most gracious Heavenly Father, I beseech you to hear my prayer in my hour of need,” Cromwell prayed fervently, “I have only ever sought to serve His Majesty, your divinely ordained servant, and in doing so serve You. It has been my tireless devotion to You that has energized my muscles when they have been weary to pursue our most holy Reformation, so that we may banish superstition and popery and worship You more perfectly.

“But now I am come to my hour of trial. Lord, if Henry should not be married to Anne, our Reformation will falter, if not fail, in England. Make her pleasing to His Majesty so that Your most holy work will continue with me as its willing and humble servant. Lord, bless England with your favor and grant us peace and tranquility with Henry as our loving and noble King and Anne his most gracious and loving Queen.

“To that end, Lord, please have the King find his new bride to be most pleasurable in bed, thus allaying his current misgivings and converting his distaste into heavenly joy. Amen.”

***

Anne of Cleves did not look like a horse.

She was actually a rather attractive woman. The English peasantry had crowded to see her at every town she passed through on her way to the Palace of Placentia in Greenwich where she was to be married and they had taken an instant liking to her. She was a tall woman, about 5 feet and 10 inches tall. This alone put her in stark contrast with the three women who had preceded her as Queen, for all of them had been women of much shorter stature. Anne was a thin woman as, possessing not the curves of Catherine of Aragon or Jane Seymour, but rather emulating the svelte Anne Boleyn. This was largely due to the straight-laced court that her brother and their father before him kept at Cleves in keeping with their new Protestant identity. In Cleves there had been no wondrously lavish feasts like Anne had been treated to since arriving in English territory in Calais. It was quite easy to keep a slim figure in such an environment.

However, thanks to her Teutonic heritage, Anne of Cleves was not at all the waif that the other Anne had been. There was a broad athleticism to Anne’s body, even though it was covered by her voluminous garments made in the Dutch fashion. Though she was not fat, Anne was still a sturdy girl. Perhaps this, coupled with her tan skin, was what endeared her so much to the peasants. Though she dressed like a lady, the commoners saw in Anne something of themselves and it heartened them to think that the King should so honor someone like themselves.

The German noblewoman was determined to be in every way pleasing to her new husband. For example, she had been assiduously working on her English since news of her potential marriage to Henry had been given to her. Despite all of her efforts thus far, Anne’s English was still guttural and halting, but she continued work hard to improve with each passing day.

Accordingly, Anne had been preparations for this, her wedding day, had left no stone unturned. Her dress was made of fine white and silver cloth and done in the Dutch fashion. Unlike the multitudes of English noblewomen who were in attendance, Anne’s dress had no lengthy train, but instead was a round skirt. Her dark blonde hair was worn loose and free beneath her coronet to denote her virginity. Anne was also adorned with braided silver chain, which some of the noblewomen whispered seemed “rather beautiful, though not without its slightly troubling undertones”.

When she stood side to side with Henry, arrayed in clothing of white and gold, Anne quietly turned her deep brown eyes on her husband with nothing but the deepest affection. For his part, Henry returned the look, though not with as much fondness as his bride.

It should be noted that Anne of Cleves was totally ignorant of the fact that she did no please her bridegroom. 

***

While it might seem impossible Anne could have been unaware of Henry’s displeasure, in reality there was no way for her to have known that the man who she was to marry was in any way displeased with her. Henry had been nothing but polite and kind to her in all of their encounters. When the impatient Henry rode out to Rochester to meet his bride-to-be on New Year’s Day, he had behaved with the utmost respect towards her, even making a present of a number of furs to her. In public, he even seemed to fawn over her. At every house in which she had stayed Anne was treated like the queen she was to become. No one had said a single negative word to Anne since being received by the British, and consequently Anne found her future subjects very delightful indeed. In short, there was not a single hint of the King’s displeasure, though by this point everyone at court was aware that Henry found Anne completely unacceptable.

Secure in the knowledge that the King loved her, Anne prepared for their first night as a wedded couple. Both the King and Queen’s attendants had withdrawn from the royal bedchamber, leaving the couple completely alone for the first time in their marriage. Considering the trouble to which Henry had gone to produce a male heir, it would have been understandable if Anne had been at all apprehensive about what was awaiting her, especially in light of the considerable difference in size between Henry and Anne. However, Anne was thinking of none of that. Her prim and proper mother had not seen fit to instruct her daughter in sexual matters, despite her already being twenty four years old.

Accordingly, Anne approached the royal bed clad only in her loose fitting shift. Henry had already gotten into bed, though not without some exertion. His shift was anything but loose. His belly protruded outwards, stretching the limits of the linen. Another woman might have been repulsed by Henry’s obesity, but Anne accepted him as he was. It was not the place of wives to change their husbands—especially royal husbands who had already cut off the head of one wife who displeased him. With little reservation, Anne climbed underneath the covers and lay down.

“Good night, Your Majesty,” Anne said in her halting English.

Henry rolled heavily over in bed and surveyed his new wife. As before, she failed to arouse anything in him. Still, he might as well give things one good last try….The King reached one chubby hand out and began to feel underneath Anne’s shift. The new Queen was unsure of precisely what was going on and laid perfectly still, observing this most curious maneuver. Henry cupped and squeezed each of Anne’s small, pert breasts, causing the Queen to lightly catch her breath.

_Is this what husbands do to their wives in bed?_ Anne thought in German. The truth was she was beginning to feel a new and foreign, yet pleasurable, sensation catching fire within her.

Henry’s hand wandered down Anne’s body further, stopping on her belly, which he presently groped about. Anne opened her mouth ever so slightly as her breath started becoming quicker and sharper. She felt that she should say something to her husband, but what? Even if he could understand her in German—the only language she would be able to communicate in at the moment—what could she say as such passion began to build within her?

And then Henry pulled his arm out of Anne’s shift as if a viper had bit him. He rolled himself over in bed and muttered, “Good night, sweetheart,” leaving Anne in a mild state of shock at the sudden turn of events. All she could do was shut her eyes as she wondered what she had done to induce such a sudden change in her husband, the man who she only wished to please as best she could.

Henry, his back turned to Anne, only grit his teeth in frustration and anger, for the woman who was supposed to be his wife did not excite him in the slightest.

***

That very same night Charles Brandon sat up alone, brooding in his chambers. His wife, Catherine Willoughby, realizing that her husband had not joined her in bed had gotten up to search him out and found him so lost in thought that he was only made aware of her presence when she touched him gently on the shoulder, jolting him from his contemplations.

“Come to bed Charles,” Catherine urged gently.

“The revolutions of my mind are far too swift for me to find rest,” Charles said, “The King is married to a woman whom he loathes, which gnaws at him worse than his leg. He is frantic for a way out of his marriage, and in this we may finally have our chance to unseat Cromwell from power. He has staked his future on the successful marriage of the King to the Flanders mare as they now call her behind her back. The King will only find his marriage more and more intolerable with time and he will seek to have it terminated as swiftly as possible. When that happens, the Chancellor will be destroyed utterly.”

Catherine sat down next to her husband and took his hand. “But what is to become of Anne? Is there to be no consideration of her—a lonely woman in a foreign land, married off to a man who hates her through no fault of her own? What is to happen to her?” The Duke of Suffolk remained silent. “Charles, you know how the King gets when he is sorely displeased. Not even his wife is immune to his violent bursts of anger.”

“Cromwell must be ousted from power,” Charles said adamantly, “He uses his Reformation to enrich his own coffers through the dissolution of the monasteries. We cannot pass up this opportunity to ruin Cromwell once and for all.”

“You know that I agree that Cromwell and his Reformation must be stopped, but can it not be done without sacrificing an innocent woman?” Catherine pleaded.

Brandon sighed. “I have told the King I will do everything in my power to extricate him from his current predicament and I will,” he said, pausing, “…but I will see if it can be done without injury to the Queen.”

“Oh Charles,” Catherine said as she threw her arms about her husband.

“I make no guarantees,” the Duke cautioned.

“As your wife I have every confidence in your abilities,” Catherine said.

Charles Brandon sighed. _Just when things were starting to look like they were_ finally _becoming easier…_

***

The next morning Thomas Cromwell entered the King’s chambers with apprehension. It was imperative that he find out how the King and Queen had gotten on last night. Cromwell knew that the question was literally a matter of life and death—namely his own.

The Chancellor discovered the rotund man at one of his large breakfasts. The Queen was not dining with him, which was no cause for alarm. The King often took his breakfast alone with his attendants to see to his needs, occasionally dealing with any pressing matters of state that Cromwell might bring him.

“Mr. Cromwell,” Henry said, acknowledging his Chancellor’s presence through a mouthful of food.

“Your Majesty,” Cromwell replied, bowing low.

“I trust England is contented and fair this morning?” Henry asked as he continued his breakfast.

“It rejoices over your marriage to the Queen,” Cromwell replied, “Reports throughout the kingdom say that the people adore her universally.”

“Ha!” Henry snorted, “Then they are of decidedly poor taste.” Cromwell tried to keep his countenance from falling. It was the last thing that the Chancellor had wanted to hear. “Her person is well and seemly, but nothing else,” Henry continued.

“By my faith, you say right, but I think that she has a queenly manner about her,” Cromwell said, trying to help the King focus on the more positive qualities of his new Queen.

Henry stood abruptly from the table and brought his bulk around to stand in front of Cromwell. “Surely, as you knew, I liked her not well before, but now I like her much worse,” Henry said, his voice rippling with low anger, “For I have felt her belly and her breasts, and, as I can judge, she is no maid. The thought struck me to the heart when I felt them that I had neither the will nor the courage to proceed any further in other matters.”

Cromwell was so stunned that he didn’t know what to say. Henry VIII, who all knew had an insatiable sexual appetite, had been so revolted by his bride that he had been unable to consummate his marriage! It seemed impossible, but yet the King would never brag about such a thing as he did now.

Sensing that the Chancellor had nothing else to say, Henry took his seat and resumed his breakfast. “You may withdraw, Mr. Cromwell.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty,” Cromwell said as he bowed before leaving.

It was worse than Cromwell had even feared. The King’s marriage was turning into an unmitigated disaster. Something had to be done immediately before all was lost.

***

Queen Anne was kept quite busy by setting her household in order. She had already had good English gentlewomen selected to attend her, chief among them being Lady Winifred Edgecombe, who was to oversee her house and ease the Queen’s acclimatization to the English court, which differed in so many respects from the court of Cleves. Already Anne found herself very much in the debt of all those who surrounded her, even instructing them to do everything in their power to help her English, including correct her—albeit privately for the sake of decorum.

“I seek only to please His Majesty the King in all matters,” Queen Anne told her ladies-in-waiting, “Let all of us always act to do so.”

Though there was much for the ladies to do as Anne organized her household, they were still able to engage in light banter with each other. Naturally, the topic most on the noblewomen’s minds was the subject of the royal wedding night, but none wanted to broach such a sensitive subject with their mistress. However, they all kept their ears open in the event that the Queen should volunteer any details.

They were not long disappointed. It was only a few days later that the Queen enlightened her most senior ladies-in-waiting. Lady Edgecome, Lady Rutland, and Lady Rochford were all pursuing their needlework with the Queen sighed in her heavily accented English, “The King is so kind and solicitous. He is truly a most wonderful husband. When he comes to bed he kisses me and takes me by the hand and bids me, &#8216;Good night, sweetheart,’ and in the morning he kisses me and bids me, &#8216;Farewell darling’.”

Though it was not unusual for the King and Queen to spend the majority of their days apart, the noblewomen were aware that Henry was not well pleased with his bride. They all exchanged furtive glances with each other that said the same thing: _Is that all?_ No one spoke for several seconds. It was Lady Rochford who broke the silence.

“We hope that soon you will be with child,” Lady Rochford said, remaining focused on her needlework to avoid the Queen’s eyes.

“I know very well that I am not now,” the Queen said simply.

“I think that your Grace is a maid still,” Lady Edgecombe said. It was a bold comment to make, but she could not resist.

Anne looked at Lady Edgecombe. “How can I be a maid and sleep every night with the King? I have told you what we do. Is this not enough?”

A silence fell over the room once again. “There must be more than this, your Majesty, or it will be a long time before we have a Duke of York, which the whole realm desires,” Lady Rutland said.

Anne looked puzzled and slightly dismayed. “What more is needed?”

The three English ladies exchanged looks and silently consulted with each other. They too laid down their needlework. “Well, your Majesty…”

When the conversation (which required the aid of Anne’s interpreter to be fully comprehended) was finished, Anne said nothing, but dismissed her ladies-in-waiting. When she was alone, she burst into tears for she now knew that something was horribly wrong with her marriage. The Queen got down on her knees and prayed softly in German aloud.

“Please God, help me please my husband the King in all ways that a wife. I am afraid that if he does not he shall kill me, and I do not wish to die.”

***


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## The Id (Jun 14, 2009)

Chancellor Cromwell had wavered with indecision for days about whether or not to talk to the Queen about the royal marriage. There was the barest chance that it may cause her to change her ways and suddenly become more amenable to Henry, thus salvaging the marriage. However, it was more likely that Anne would be offended that he was prying into the affairs of the royal bedroom and only become hardened against any advice from Cromwells lipsincluding anything that might improve conjugal relations.

But something had to be done. There were no signs that the marriage would improve on its own and Cromwell realized that taking no action was just as damaging as any negative repercussions. Gathering his courage, Cromwell presented himself at the Queens chambers and was announced. As the Chancellor entered, Anne rose from her chair to receive her visitor.

Your Majesty, Cromwell said, bowing to the Queen.

Mr. Cromwell, Anne replied, curtseying slightly to the Chancellor.

A word in private, if I may, Cromwell said.

The Queen dismissed her ladies-in-waiting and was soon left standing alone with Cromwell. The situation was somehow slightly disquieting to the Queen, but she chalked it up to the fact that she interacted so rarely with the Chancellor that the awkwardness stemmed only from their unfamiliarity with each other.

Your Majesty, I am reluctant to bring this matter up, as I fear you may find it sensitivebut I do so only with your happiness, and more importantly that of the His Majesty the King, in mind, Cromwell said, struggling to find the right words.

I seek only to please His Majesty. Any help you can give to that end is appreciated, Anne said, prompting Cromwell to continue.

It has come to my attention that you and the King havehave not consummated your marriage, Cromwell said delicately.

Though the Queens English was still lacking, her recent conversation with her ladies had expanded her vocabulary significantly in such matters. Anne blushed furiously by way of silent response.

It is imperative that you do everything in your power to please His Majesty, especially in such matters. It is of the greatest import for the whole realm. Cromwells calm composure now broke down, letting some of his desperation slip through. You must do everything in your power to render yourself more compatible with the King. You _must_.

Anne nodded. I will, she said softly.

Cromwell withdrew with another bow and after a few moments alone Anne was rejoined by her ladies-in-waiting, who returned to their business about the Queens chambers. Anne remained lost in thought for a while longer before she pulled one of her ladies-in-waiting aside.

Please, can you tell me, what is compatible? Anne asked.

Compatible? the young noblewoman repeated.

_Ja_, I do not know what it means, she asked with more than a little concern.

Compatible means to be like something else, the young noblewoman, so that they might exist together well.

Anne nodded and considered this for a moment. Thank you, she said and dismissed her servant.

The Queen silently contemplated on the Chancellors words for much of the remainder of the day, wondering how she could make herself more compatible than she was already to the King. _I already seek to make myself pleasing to the King in every respect. Yet I am still not compatible,_ she thought to herself, _But what more can I do?_

It was not until some hours later that an idea lighted upon Anne and she called Lady Edgecombe to discuss her new resolution.

***

The next day the Duke of Suffolk decided that it was time he called privately on the Queen. He was still trying to figure out how to use the situation to oust Cromwell without endangering the Queens position, as he had promised his wife. Unfortunately, nothing was coming to mind. Brandon hoped that perhaps a conversation with the Queen might reveal some utility on her part that could be used to further the removal of Cromwell.

When Charles Brandon was admitted to the Queens chambers, what he saw surprised him as nothing else could have. Before him was the Queen, seated at a large table that was spread with a veritable feast of food for the Queens consumption. Currently she was eagerly tearing into a roast chicken with gusto and it was only when the Queen heard the announcement of, His Grace, the Duke of Suffolk, that the Queen belatedly rose to receive her visitor.

Your Majesty, Brandon said as he bowed low, surveying the sumptuous spread with curiosity and wonder.

Your Grace, Anne replied with a quick curtsey, Will you please sit?

Brandon did so. The Queen resumed her seat as well as her meal. You will forgive me, I hope? I am currently engaged in making myself more compatible with His Majesty, she said through a mouthful of chicken.

Im afraid I do not follow, Your Majesty, Charles said as he continued to take in the unexpected scene before him.

Oh, my apologies. I am still learning your language and I am always afraid I am not clear, Anne said after swallowing, Yesterday the Chancellor, Mr. Cromwell, came to see me and said I had to make myself more compatible to the King. At first I did not know what he meant, but then I realized that I am far too skinny to please the King. Therefore, I am making myself compatible.

Charles was stunned. He didnt know what to say. It seemed that Cromwell had blundered again and this time irreparably so. Though the King was a gourmand himself, it was not a quality that he sought in his ladies. He preferred them to be cultured and refined, not piggish and driven by their bellies. Yet it seemed that Cromwell had motivated the skinny Anne to become even more displeasing to the King. It was too perfect, but it also meant that there was no way to do anything but let events run their course and hope that Anne would not make the mistakes of her predecessors.

The Duke was about to stand and take his leave of the Queen when he remembered a chance comment that the King had made when he began the search for his new wife after the death of Jane Seymour. The memory of it arrested Brandons progress as swiftly as if he had been struck with a mace.

I am big in person and have need of a big wife, Henry had proclaimed.

Catherine of Aragon had been a buxom woman, as had Jane Seymour, the memory of whom the King still held close to his heart. Brandon looked at Anne, who had begun to shovel chicken into her mouth again. As he did so, he realized that Cromwell had at his fingertips his deliverance, but it was uncertain whether or not he realized it.

Have you acquainted Mr. Cromwell with your plans to make yourself more compatible to His Majesty? Charles asked.

_Nien, nien,_ the Queen replied, I have not seen him since yesterday.

That is good, for the Chancellor is quite busy. Do not trouble him with any news of this. It is good that you make yourself more pleasing and compatible to His Majesty. I will do everything within my power to further that endeavor, Brandon said, In fact, I will speak with the King now to let him know you are determined to become as compatible as possible and make all the necessary arrangements to assist you.

Oh, your Grace, Anne said quickly standing, Nothing would give me greater pleasure than that.

Then I shall waste no time, Brandon said, rising himself to bow and take his leave, Your Majesty.

Your Grace, Anne said with a deep curtsey.

As Charles Brandon exited the Queens chambers, with the Queen continuing to stuff herself behind him, he was a most happy man indeed.

***

Let me make sure I understand you, Charles, Henry said as he viewed his old friend from his seat in the Kings private chambers, You tell me that you can extricate me from my difficulties completely?

I am sure of it, Your Majesty, Charles said, My solution keeps you from alienating Cleves and the Schmalkaldic League and ameliorates your domestic troubles completely without having to request an annulment from Parliament.

It sounds like you would have me still married to Anne, Henry said, I cannot see how this is any solution.

Your Majesty, I will make your wife so pleasant to you that you shall be bewitched by her. It shall be as if you have gained a new and better wife without going through the trouble of finding one, Charles said, All I ask is that you remove her to Richmond where she shall be placed under my care for the span of eight months. At the end of that time I shall bring her back to court myself and you shall judge for yourself whether she is transformed to your liking.

There will be much talk if I am separated from my wife after being so shortly married to her, especially for such a long period, Henry said with concern, If word of it is brought to Cleves, they may well begin to think something is wrong and become hostile, making all your efforts for naught.

It is very simple to say that the Queen has gone to the country for the sake of her constitution, which is still adjusting to England, Charles said, That will surely pacify Cleves long enough.

And if you fail to produce an agreeable change in her? Henry asked pointedly, I have already been promised to be pleased by her once. I do not intend to be left holding the bag once again.

By that time your lawyers will undoubtedly have found grounds for an annulment, Charles said, With luck, the Emperor and Francis will even have broken their treaty, thus making the aid of Cleves disposable. He paused. Additionally, Your Majesty has made it quite clear that you and the Queen are not doing of anything of great importance together. It seems that her absence from court will hardly be onerous to Your Majesty.

Henry stroked his beard and rolled the matter about in his head. Very well. You make excellent points and your plan appears solid, Henry said, Inform the Queen that she shall begin preparations to leave for Richmond Palace tomorrow.

It will be my absolute pleasure, Your Majesty, Charles said with a broad smile.

***

The Duke wasted no time in beginning preparations. He immediately sent a message to his wife instructing her to precede him to Richmond. It appears that we may be able to achieve our goals and repair the Kings marriage simultaneously, Charles wrote to Charlotte, Make haste, for we do not have the luxury of dawdling.

The Queens household was already beginning to prepare for the move to Richmond, but further servants were required for her residence there. Charles went through all the kitchens of Whitehall and picked out those cooks that he felt could be missed at the Kings court. Naturally, none of the Kings personal cooks were selected, for the gastronomic pleasure of His Majesty could not be interrupted on any account. However, there was such a plethora of culinary ability that Charles was able to lay his hands on a very decent group, who were directed to go to Richmond Palace forthwith.

Then there was the business of provisioning the palace for the Queens arrival. Charles sent out a team of servants to purchase large quantities foodstuffs to be sent to Richmond without delay and place standing orders for more to be delivered on an almost daily basis to ensure that the Queen would receive the freshest meals possible. Farmers were paid top price for their grains, vegetables, and meats. Spice merchants gleefully sold large quantities of their wares to the royal purchasers, even receiving a premium.

With these and other standard preparations in place, Charles accompanied Queen Anne to Richmond, informing her during the journey that the King had seen fit to permit him to oversee her efforts to increase her compatibility.

You have no idea how happy this makes me, Anne told the Duke, I am so glad that the King is so gracious as to give me the opportunity to become more pleasing to him. I shall try my hardest to do so.

Brandon felt no need to inform the Queen that His Majesty was quite unaware of the particulars of her plan. It really wasnt relevant and would only distress the Queen unduly.

Though it was just a short journey to Richmond Palace, Charles recommended that the Queen rest in her chambers after their arrival. She agreed and this allowed the Duke to address the newly assembled household that would see to the Queens needs during her stay at Richmond.

Our task here is simple: we are to make the Queen pleasing in every way possible to the King, who will not see Her Majesty for the next eight months. She is as clay in our hands and we must mould her carefully. We must take great pains to improve her English so she loses her Dutch accent. She must become well versed in music, dancing, and literature. The Queen must be induced to abandon her Dutch wardrobe and embrace the superior fashion of England.

Most importantly, however, we must make her physically more pleasing. His Majesty the King possess a large and noble heart and the rest of his body is sized appropriately to contain such a great heart. He requires a queen of equal stature, Brandon said to the hall of servants, The Queen has this potential within her. Like His Majesty, she possesses a broadness about her body indicative of her Dutch and Germanic heritage. Unlike His Majesty, however, the Queen has not the portliness becoming a woman of her station. It is our duty to rectify this.

From hereon out, the expansion of the Queen is our primary goal. The Queen is to eat the most fattening and delectable dishes day and night, as much as she can. Not only must her waistline grow, but she also must become habituated to the feasts at which she will be constantly called to preside over with His Majesty. When the Queen is stuffed she can be instructed in other topics to help her acclimate to England.

Chief in this endeavor will by my wife, Lady Suffolk, and the head of the Queens household, Lady Edgecombe. Their direction shall be your guide in all things. We have not much time with which to transform the Queen, so let not an instant from this moment on out be wasted.

The servants needed no further dismissal. They all scattered to begin their labors and Charles turned to his wife and Lady Edgecombe. Inform Her Majesty that dinner is ready for her.

***

Anne had not been accustomed to feasting on a regular basis in Cleves. Accordingly, the first few days at Richmond were trying for her. It seemed that just when her bloated belly began to be relieved its pressure, more food was placed in front of her. While Anne was eager to increase her girth so as to please the King, it was becoming very trying for her to continually stuff herself. The indulgence itself was at odds with the austere Protestantism that she had been raised. Anne knew that she could not persist in such ways. England and the royal court of Henry VIII might have been Protestant in name, but it was far from it in practice. The court with its masques, pageants, and feasts was still linked to the opulence of Catholicism, even if it refused to acknowledge the authority of the Bishop of Rome.

Throughout her early trials, Lady Suffolk and Lady Edgecombe were both supportive of the Queen. You are doing admirably, Lady Edgecombe said to the Queen after five days of her fattening regimen, I am sure that the King will be very pleased if you continue your progress.

Anne simply smiled as she took a large bit out of a drumstick of turkey.

The Queen had not been a petite woman to begin with, nor had she been a large woman. Though she was built broadly, she was still fit. It made her body like a canvass on which a masterpiece was to be painted. Admittedly, the changes came only slowly at first, which frustrated and worried the Queen. After a week with only the barest softening of the belly, Anne was near tears.

Will the King kill me if I displease him? Anne said.

His Majesty is kind and generous, Lady Suffolk reassured the Queen, He would never do a thing. We have months yet and you will not gain weight all in the first week.

Though the Queen was being slowly introduced to the English style of dress, Lady Suffolk had decreed that the Queen should be fitted with loose garments to ensure that her growth should not be hindered by tight lacings and other such devices. It also allowed the servants and noblewomen at Richmond to accurately assess Annes progress as she continued to stuff herself.

By the end of the second week, it was more than clear that Anne was beginning to sport some extra pounds about the belly, though not many. Had an uninformed observer walked into Richmond Palace, they would have mistaken the broad grin on the Queens face and the many compliments paid to the small bulge at the Queens belly to be related to a royal pregnancy, not newly gained weight. Still, Anne was far from satisfied with such minimal gains and she continued to plow through all of the delectable delights placed in front of her.

***

Thomas Cromwell was beginning to suspect that something was up. The Queen had been removed with haste from Whitehall to Richmond Palace where she was not receiving any visitors, ostensibly for the sake of her health. However, Cromwell had learned that none of the royal physicians had been sent to Richmond to observe the Queen. Though Henry wished to be rid of his wife, Cromwell knew he was not so cruel as to allow her to die out of sight and out of mind. Furthermore, it had been brought to Cromwells attention that a number of servants had been transferred from Whitehall to Richmond to see to the Queens needsmuch more than would have normally required. Cromwell suspected that something was afoot, but he did not know what.

The only reliable source of information that Cromwell had was the King, and he had remained mum on the subject. The Queen is recuperating from the strain of her journey and the excitement of the marriage festivities while she adjusts to our fair English clime. My physicians have informed me that it is of the greatest importance that the Queen be allowed to recover without being disturbed, Henry informed Cromwell, who privately did not accept the Kings explanation. However, Henry knew how to keep his Chancellor from becoming too nosy. After all, Mr. Cromwell, we would not want to do anything to endanger the Queens life after you have worked so hard to procure her brothers friendship to England, would we?

Cromwell could only admit that the King spoke wisely and withdraw without any further comment.

To add further exasperation, the Duke of Suffolk seemed to be rather pleased with himself as of late, though not inordinately so. The Chancellor would have preferred that the Duke be smug because it would mean that he was overconfident. The fact that the Duke was happy yet still retained enough sense to be cautious meant that he was definitely up to something. It worried Cromwell, for Charles Brandon had never been a strong supporter of the Reformation, though he had never spoken against it. Cromwell had never believed very much in coincidences, which made him all the more suspicious, not to mention determined to get to the bottom of things.

It was after a Privy Council meeting that Cromwell was able to detain the Duke for a moment of private conversation. Your Grace, did I hear something about the Lady Suffolk being a frequent visitor to Richmond Palace of late? Cromwell asked.

I did not know that the comings and goings of my wife were affairs of state, _Mr._ Cromwell, Charles said, emphasizing the fact that Cromwell was not nobility, unlike Brandon and many others on the Privy Council.

I merely wondered if you were privy to any information regarding the condition of Her Majesty the Queen, for whom we all adore and have the highest concern, Cromwell said as casually as possible.

It is my understanding that His Majesty would be the most informed as to the Queens current disposition as her husband. I am sure that the King will keep you as abreast as is required for the execution of your duties, Brandon said, Good day, Mr. Cromwell.

Good day, your Grace, Cromwell said bowing slightly as the Duke left the room. Though he maintained his formal manner, the Chancellor was furious that he had been so deftly outmaneuvered.

***

At the end of a month and a half, Annes efforts were showing up all over. The Queen had become markedly chubby in almost every aspect from her constant culinary consumption. Anne had developed a noticeable pot belly from so many extra calories. When retiring for bed, Anne would marvel at her new tummy, often poking it to see how much she was softening up. Her once slender hips were now beginning to flare outwards and undeniably resemble those of a woman. Annes ass was also noticeably larger than previously, which was no surprise considering how much time she spent on it these days. Accordingly, Annes thighs were softening up and spreading outwards. Naturally, the Queens breasts had also grown in size. Annes boobs had started out sized like apples but had now become handfuls while still small enough to be pert and bouncy. They earned the jealousy of a few of the ladies-in-waiting who were less well endowed. Her face was also beginning to round out slightly and it was vastly improved by the fact that Annes cheeks were just the slightest bit chubbier. When Anne smiled, she looked exceedingly pretty as Lady Suffolk told the Queen.

Each new pound was a joy for Anne. With nothing to do for an entire month but sit and stuff her face full of food it was no surprise that Annes weight was marching upward. The day that Lady Suffolk informed the Queen that her dresses had to be let out, Anne wept with tears of joy.

To further assist the Queens enlargement, Lady Suffolk and Lady Edgecombe had decided early on that dancing lessons were no longer needed in the Queens curriculum. Ever since Henry had grown obese, dancing had ceased to be a part of his activities at court, making it highly unlikely that the Queen would be required to know the complex dances favored at court. Furthermore, the two noblewomen determined that dancing was too great a physical exertion for the Queen to continue indulging in. It would only hinder the ultimate goal of the Queens expansion. Anne, for her part, thought that made things much simpler and was very pleased that she had more time with which to eat and practice her English.

After a month, it was taking more and more food to fill up Annes belly, which the servants and noblewomen noted with pleasure. When the Queen had first come to Richmond, the cooks were pumping out so much food that it was impossible for her to eat it all. The circumstance had been dismaying for Anne, who felt like she was barely making progress. Accordingly, Lady Edgecombe had instructed the kitchen to reduce their output to a more manageable levelthough still producing enough delicacies to make sure the Queen was completely full at the end of her meals. Over the last month the cooks had been slowly making more and more dishes for the Queen and had gotten back to a pretty good pace to satisfy the Queens grumbling tummy. The Queen had even progressed from three meals a day to four, a fact of which she was inordinately proud.

The drinking water in England was notoriously unsafe, so Anne was given a pint of good English ale with each meal. The kitchen had seen to it that the Queen was provided with the Kings favorite draughts. Though Anne had never tasted ale before as the court at Cleves thought it an unwomanly drink, her first sip awakened a love of ale within the young German woman.

This is most wonderful! Anne declared with satisfaction, I approve of His Majestys taste most heartily!

Everyone at Richmond Palace also approved of the empty calories that were going straight to the Queens belly as a result of so much ale accompanying her meals. When Charles Brandon visited to examine the Queens progress he was surprised to discover that Queen Anne could hold her liquor much better than other women he knew.

When the Duke queried the Queen about itafter they had both had a few pints between themAnne told him that, In the Rhineland where I am from, we produce a most wonderful beverage that is called Rhine wine. It is always at table at any occasion in Cleves, for it is the one luxury we allow ourselves, even the women. We know how to hold our spirits in Cleves, your Grace.

Charles smiled by way of response. At this rate it seemed Henry would be quite pleased with his wife when Charles returned his wife to him.

***

Charles, I grow impatient regarding the Queen, Henry said to the Duke two months later, You report continual progress on the Queens part, but give me no further specifics. It tries my patience Charles.

Brandon knew that Henry was not a man who liked being denied what he wanted. He also knew that Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour had secured their marriages to the King by withholding what Henry had wantednamely, sexuntil they got they wanted. Charles had expected that the King would become impatient and planned ahead.

While the Queen does progress, it would be unfair to Her Majesty if you were to see her while she is still in the middle of the process, Charles said, having resolved upon this response a number of weeks ago.

But people at court are beginning to worry. They say that the Queen is not merely ill. In fact, they fear I have had her secretly executed, Henry said, These rumors are most injurious and must be dispelled instantly for the good of the kingdom. It is imperative that I am able to personally debunk them.

Charles mentally cursed himself for not having thought of such a thing sooner. The King was a wily man and Charles should have known that one rebuff would not have been enough to placate him. He had to think fastand in doing so he came up with a very pleasing solution.

Such rumors are not only blatantly false, but malicious. Your Majesty is right to quash them immediately, Charles said, But if Your Majesty was to view the Queen before the end of her program, it would make all for naught. Since that is the case, might I suggest a suitable replacement who could see the Queen and whose report would be beyond reproach?

After listening to the Dukes suggestion Henry smiled. I agree. She would be a most perfect substitute for my presence.

***


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## The Id (Jun 14, 2009)

Mary Tudor, the eldest child of the Henry, was not pleased that she had been ordered to Richmond to see the Queen. For starters, Mary was not very interested in meeting yet another wife of the Kings. Anne Boleyn had been no better than a whore who had displaced Marys mother, Catherine of Aragon. Admittedly, she had liked Jane Seymour, but her fathers latest wife was a Protestant, like Boleyn had been. Mary was a staunch Catholic and did not like her fathers reforms, though she kept her protests silent out of respect for her father, whom she dearly loved. Still, she feared that this Anne of Cleves would only bolster Mr. Cromwells Reformation.

Had it been Marys choice, she would have stayed away from Richmond. But she was bound to obey her fathers wishes, and so Mary went to see the Queen at Richmond where she was met by Lady Suffolk, who embraced the Kings daughter most tenderly.

My Lady Mary, Charlotte said upon receiving the Queen. Mary was not a princess as she had been thrown out of the line of succession, along with her half-sister Elizabeth, but through Jane Seymours intervention she had regained the Kings favor since then and was now recognized as the Lady Mary.

Lady Suffolk, it is good to see you, Mary said, I was not aware that you were a member of the Queens household.

My presence here isof a different nature, Charlotte said as she led Mary inside, It is His Majestys desire that the Queen become more to his liking and my husband and I are assisting that process. For example, we are all very pleased that she has embraced the Church of England and abandoned her Lutheran ways.

Though Mary was somewhat surprised by this conservative shift, she kept her countenance in check. That is most welcome news, Mary said.

She also progresses daily in her command of English and is becoming quite conversant in music, though she lacks your skill in performance, my Lady, Charlotte continued, Her Majesty had been anxious all day long to see you, my Lady.

The pair came to the doors of what looked to be a dining hall and paused as Mary was announced to the Queen. She composed herself for the sake of diplomacy before proceeding inside.

What Mary found nearly shocked her. The Queen rose from a large table that was filled with dishes of every sort. There was roast mutton, jellies, stuffed turkey, fried cod, roast beef, meat pie, tarts with custard, and manchet bread. Scattered throughout these dishes were bowls full of plums, cherries, apples, pears, and strawberries. There was white sugar from Madeira, Englands finest honey, and fresh butter. Good stout ale accompanied the feast. As far as Mary could tell, the Queen was the only one eating, which was the most shocking thing about the feast. That was until Mary got a good look at the Queen.

Anne had become quite plump. Everything about the Queen seemed to bulge softly. Her face was now quite round with large, chubby cheeks. Annes bust had continued to grow, which the English style of dress enhanced to Annes credit. Below the Queens hooters was her belly, which had grown quite large indeed. It was a soft, jiggling mass of flesh that pushed against the confines of Annes dress, almost as if pleading for more room. As Anne crossed the room to meet her stepdaughter, her belly bounced with each step and her hips, now wide and inviting, swayed from side to side. Though her dress concealed the Queens thighs, they too were softer and larger like sturdy, pliable tree trunks supporting the hefty Queen.

It was Marys first meeting with Anne and she was taken aback by the portly figure who took her hands after the conventional welcome. She had expected a stark, austere woman in keeping with the rigors of Lutheranism, not this welcoming, nay, jolly woman. Something inside of Mary was drawn to this tubby woman who was barely older than herself.

I have been looking forward to meeting you for so long, Anne said. She had not yet lost the guttural quality of her voice, though her English was flowing much better, even if it occasionally here words were not in the proper order. I am most pleased to meet you. Will you please sit?

Yes, thank you, Mary said, though not without some hesitation.

Please forgive me for my rudeness, but I must not waste any time, Anne said as she lifted some fried cod to her mouth, I am endeavoring to make myself more complimentarythis is to say pleasing, for Lady Edgecombe has taught me that is the more proper word for what I meanto His Majesty.

Mary was unsure whether or not her father would find the woman before her pleasing at all, but she expressed her approval all the same.

Furthermore, I know I shall never be able to replace your mother, who was truly a good Queen to His Majesty here Anne set down her utensils and took Marys hand, but I do hope that perhaps we shall be close companions and that you shall be with me often at court so I may always do what is proper and best. That would please me very much.

I am not always at court, but I will of course be more than pleased to be of what assistance I can when I am there, Mary said tactfully.

Oh, how wonderful! she exclaimed, I know His Majesty will share my joy at your being at court. The conversation paused as Anne forked another mouthful of cod into her mouth. I am told that a cousin of mine, Philip of Bavaria, has come to the court to see you.

Yes, so I have heard. Unfortunately, I have been ill for the last few months and unable to receive him, except for once when he first arrived, before I fell ill, Mary said. That was the public story, at least. The real truth was that Mary had no desire to be married off to a Protestant prince and had plead an illness to keep from having to receive him.

But you are better now, yes? Anne asked.

Mary sensed a trap. Wellyes, but

Oh good! Philip will be most pleased to meet you so unexpectedly when he arrives here soon, Anne said happily.

Oh, II Mary said, trying to find an excuse to prevent the meeting.

Your Majesty, Philip, Duke of Bavaria, to see you, one of Annes ladies-in-waiting announced.

Mary turned to Anne with a look of panic. Please, I could not possibly see him, Mary begged.

Anne smiled kindly. She had been equally nervous upon meeting the King for the first time. Go hide there, behind the curtains. I promise you he will not know you are here, Anne said. Mary hurriedly complied with the Queens directions. When she had done so, Anne addressed the lady-in-waiting. Please send him in.

Mary watched from her concealed position as Philip entered the room. Mary had forgotten that the Duke cut a surprisingly dashing figure. Marys heart jumped a bit despite herself when she saw him. He was dark haired and handsome, not at all the brute that Mary remembered. Indeed, he had a very attractive countenance

My dear Anne, Philip said in German to his cousin as he embraced her, You look so good! What a wonderful figure you have acquired. You obviously find England to your liking.

Now Philip, what a bad influence you are! I must practice my English, Anne replied in that language as the pair sat down. Anne continued her feasting to increase her robust figure even more. To start, she selected the ripe, red strawberries that had been tempting her for quite some time. Now, how do you find this country?

I like it very much. I could most happily live here, and for that I envy you.

The conversation paused as Anne relished her strawberry. Food had become such a pleasure to her over these last few months that she could not help herself sometimes. So have you met Lady Mary yet?

It was only for a moment, but I relive that moment over and over again in my mind, Philip replied with a quiet earnestness.

In her concealment, Marys cheeks grew flush and her breathing swift.

I was told before that she was charming, intelligent, well read, gracious, the true heir of Catherine of Aragon, a true princessbut nothing prepared me for her beauty, a beauty that comes from insight, Philip said, the memory of the meeting becoming all the more vivid, To me she is the most beautiful creature on Gods earth.

Anne simply smiled as she chewed another strawberry. It mirrored the smile that was on the other side of the curtain.

The next day, Mary reported to her father that she found the Queen to be the most gracious woman in the whole of England and that she was sure he would be most pleased with his wife when the time came for her to return to Whitehall. That night, Mary danced with Philip during the evenings banquet, having completely recovered from her headache.

***

Chancellor Cromwell was not the sort of man to sit by idly when events were transpiring. The current situation was no exception. His entire political future was dependent on Queen Anne and the fact that she had now remained almost three months at Richmond Palace away from the King was highly troubling. Furthermore, Cromwell had discovered that the Duchess of Suffolk had no accidental connection to the Queen at Richmond. The Duke was _overseeing_ the Queen while she was residing at Richmond and his wifes presence there was undoubtedly on his instructions. To Cromwell, this seemed a very bad omen.

Ordinarily, Cromwell would have ferreted out what he needed to know by a courtier or a lady-in-waiting, but very few were being allowed in and out of Richmond and none who were could be trusted to provide reliable information. With all of his usual lines of information had been severed there was nothing for Cromwell with nothing to do but wonder about what was going on at Richmond Palace. Indeed, it was in a fit of desperation that he finally realized that there was one source of information that could not be hidden from him.

The good thing about being Chancellor was that there were very few documents one could not view, especially when one was about the Kings business. Accordingly, the exchequer readily sent over the expense statements for Richmond Palace since the Queen took up residence. When Cromwell reviewed the accounts, he was utterly dumbfounded. In fact, he sent a messenger to the exchequer to have an audit performed as the numbers were surely wrong.

The emphatic reply was that they were not. Richmond Palace was ordering enough food to feed half of the gentry at Whitehall, yet only the Queens household and the requisite number of servants were present at Whitehall.

This sent Cromwells mind spinning. What could possibly be going on at Richmond that required so much food? The natural process of Cromwells mind suggested a conspiracy, and one directed against him, but the thought that the Queen, who had barely been in England for six months, should now be the center of a plot against him was absurd. It was equally ludicrous that his enemies were using the Queen as a pawn in some larger plot. Henry held no affections for Anne at all, as evidenced by the fact that he was idly residing at Whitehall without his wife. It would only behoove his enemies to allow the marriage to be annulled, which could easily have occurred if Henry and Anne had been left together.

Cromwell simply could not figure out what was afoot. All the same, he had his most trusted servant arrange for the comings and goings of Richmond Palace to be carefully watched, just in case.

***

There was now only a little under two months left before the Queen was to return to Whitehall and everyone knew that there was no time to lose. A second kitchen had been opened to increase the production of food for Anne and relieve the overcrowding of the first kitchen. Though this necessitated bringing more cooks into Richmond, a move that might expose Suffolks plans to Cromwells spies, Lady Mary volunteered some of her finer cooks to help supplement the Queens kitchens on a temporary basis. Among her servants, loyalty need not even be questioned. For her part, Mary was quite happy to be of service, especially as she was not using her households cooks that much. This was mainly due to the fact that she was spending most of her time at Whitehall these days. Coincidentally, Philip of Bavaria happened to be residing at Whitehall.

By this time, Anne was now spending almost all of her waking hours in the banquet hall consuming food. It was not because Lady Edgecombe and Lady Suffolk felt that the Queen had achieved a level of virtuosity in music, literature, and the English language that they were now neglecting those pursuits. The real reason was because Annes appetite had grown so much that to keep pressing the limits of her belly she had to eat almost continuously. Indeed, even the pace of the Queens meals (now increased to five daily) was beginning to grow more feverish. The fact that the Duke of Suffolk continually reassured Anne that the King would find her pleasing when she returned to Whitehall now seemed only a side benefit to the joy that she received from her gastronomic indulgences.

It did not take much intelligence to intuit that the Queen was a woman who did enjoy a good meal. All one had to do was look at her these days to reach that conclusion. Annes plumpness was now a distant memory, for she was a bona fide fatty now. She had a pair of large, generous melons upon her chest that secretly made some of the male servants mouths water (despite the fact such a thing could well be punishable with death in Henry VIIIs England). Annes mammaries were impressive, but the development of Annes belly was even more astounding. In fact, calling it a mere belly almost seemed an insult. Anne was now the possessor of a full fledged gut. It sat somewhat contentedlyonly somewhat for it demanded more food quite oftenaround Annes midsection, receiving everything Anne could give it. Her gut now rested bit on Annes meaty thighs when she sat. To increase the Annes ability to eat as much as possible, her immense belly was massaged several times a day to relieve the strain that her stuffing produced. Her tummy had grown so large that it was now progressing sideways as well as forward. The Queen had also developed small love handles on either side. Anne also had plenty of cushion while she was seated for her butt was now quite large indeed. She didnt even need the elaborate train that English fashion decreed dresses possess, for her posterior looked big enough as it was.

Anne was prey to a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, everyone told her how lovely she had already become and how by the end of her stay at Richmond she was sure to dazzle the King with her beauty. Anne was proud of how far shed come since arriving in England and was eager to return to her husband so that he could be thrilled with her new figure. However, Anne still worried that perhaps she would still displease the King. Though she had ceased to voice her fears to her household, Anne was still afraid that the King would not like her and would have her beheaded like the other Anne he had married. This spurred Anne to continue doing everything that she could to increase her girth so that the King would find her as pleasing as possible. 

Charles Brandon visited Richmond Palace to assess the Queens progress with a mere week left before she was to return to Whitehall. Upon setting eyes on the Queen, he smiled from ear to ear.

***

Charles this waiting is interminable! Henry exclaimed with exasperation, I have heard so much good of Anne from your lips that I want to ride out to Richmond myself and see her! It is all the more excruciating that she is so near and yet kept from me!

The Duke of Suffolk gladly took this beating. I do not envy your position. Knowing full well what awaits you makes me impatient myself, Charles said, But let me urge you to a few nights more of impatience. After all, consider when you rode out suddenly to see her when she first arrived in England. The moment wasnot as wonderful as one had hoped. I guarantee you that your patience now will be rewarded tenfold.

You guarantee it? Henry said with some surprise, Considering I have been disappointed once, that is quite a bold claim to make Charles.

I stand by my declaration, Charles said.

Then we shall see in a few days whether or not you deliver, Henry said.

Despite the ominous implication behind the Kings words, Charles Brandon simply smiled. Yes, Your Majesty.

***


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## The Id (Jun 14, 2009)

When the day came for Anne to return to Whitehall, Henry could focus on nothing all day. News that the Emperor and Francis had reportedly had a falling out and were set to break the Treaty of Nice did not even register for him. It had become known at court that the Queen had fully recovered from her illness and was now returning to court, anxious to see her husband. It was all anyone could talk about.

Though Chancellor Cromwell made a pretense of executing his business as usual, he too was on edge. He fervently hoped that something might have changed, either in the King or Queen, that would breathe life into their marriage. Anything else would almost certainly bring about his own downfall.

Cromwells nerves were so strained that upon seeing the Duke of Suffolk he snapped, The King had better find the Queen in no way further poisonous to him when she returns or I guarantee you that there will be hell to pay for it, your Grace.

Mr. Cromwell, I hope you are not insinuating that I would wish anything but the most sublime happiness for His Majesty? Brandon replied.

Hardly, your Grace, Cromwell said, being careful not to expose himself too much, I only hope that so long a separation from His Majesty has not made the Queen ill disposed towards her most loving husband.

Let me assure you that Her Majesty has only sought to please the King in every respect since she has arrived in England. You will find her no different in that respect, Charles said, Good day, Mr. Cromwell.

Good day, your Grace, Cromwell replied as the Duke went off, leaving Cromwell alone to wonder and wait.

Though Henry was more than impatient to see his wife and discover if Charles had made good on his promises, the Duke told the King that Anne would not arrive until that evening to ensure that the King would be the first to see her after such a long separation. It was at Her Majestys request that it was arranged in this way. She wishes that your eyes be the first to gaze upon her after so long, Charles said, She feels it would be improper for it to be any other way.

The Queens consideration is admirable, though it does not relieve my impatience, Henry replied.

Rest assured, Her Majesty is just as anxious to be reunited with you, Charles said.

Night came, but seemingly not quick enough for anyone involved. Henry paced about his chamber, as if trying to make the time pass quicker by the effort. Charles had spoken so highly of Anne for the last eight monthsit seemed that eight minutes more would be a trial too unbearable.

Your Majesty.

Henry looked up and found Charles standing in the door way with his wife. It is our pleasure to present Her Majesty, Queen Anne, Charles said. The two stepped backwards out of the doorway and all eight months of anticipation seemed to weigh upon Henry all at onceand then Anne walked through the doorway and the King caught his breath.

Anne was a sight to behold. She had left fatness far behind her and openly and willingly embraced corpulence. There was nothing about Anne that was not downright fat. Her round face, framed by her loose dark gold hair, beamed a smile at Henry that went straight to his heart. She had the most exquisite breasts that Henry had ever seen. They were large and round, seemingly the personification of the female mammary. Her belly was enormous. It was a jiggling, juicy spare tire even in the confines of Annes dress. Something about it seemed made for squeezing and jiggling. As Anne approached Henry, her gut bounced rhythmically with each step. The Queens hips were as round as a globe and Henry instantly recognized in them the potential for childbearing that he so desperately desired and it only served to endear Anne to Henry. Then again, Henry found Anne so physically pleasing that he almost didnt believe this was the same woman. The woman he had married was nothing like the one that stood before him now. The woman who he had stood at the altar with had been a thin one dressed in dubious Dutch fashions. The enchantress who stood before him was a curvaceous beauty wearing in nothing but the most attractive and expensive English styles.

Your Majesty, Anne said, her voice still with some hints of its former accent, but now just enough to be exotic and somewhat sultry. She curtseyed to her husband and remained low, thus giving the King a view of her inviting cleavage. 

The King gently raised Anne with one finger under her chin. My dear.

Do you find me pleasing? Anne asked softly, her large bosom rising and falling quickly with her rapid inspirations. It was the question that had kept her sleepless last night. Now that she looked into the Kings eyes, she was certain of the answer before it even left his lips.

I am _very_ pleased with you, my Queen, Henry said. To make his point, he leaned in and kissed Anne, their bellies pressing together as they shared the first real kiss of their marriage.

When their lips parted, their faces remained close to each other. His Grace the Duke has arranged for a private supper to mark the occasionbut I thought perhaps a more private celebration was in order, Anne whispered.

That sounds perfect, Henry replied in an equally seductive whisper.

The royal couple hurried to their bedchamber where they were undressed with all speed by their servants, who quickly withdrew, knowing full well what would happen next.

It was only when Anne was naked, lit by the many candles scattered throughout the room, that Henry was able to fully appreciate the change that had occurred in her. Previously Anne had needed all of the arts of fashion to even give some semblance of size to her bust line. Now her knockers hung large and inviting, like firm ripe melons ready to be plucked from the tree. Her gut was a single pendulous ring of flab, hanging over the remnants of her waist. It jiggled and quivered with the slightest movement. Henry reached out to touch it, gingerly, as if it was a delicate piece of ancient art that might crumble in his fingers. Instead he found the Queens belly soft, warm, and malleable.

Underneath Annes belly were all of the details that had been hidden from Henrys view by her dress. Annes hips in the flesh looked wider than when encompassed by fine cloth and a rear examination of Anne revealed an ass of enormous magnitude. The twin cheeks formed a large pale moon that couldnt even be rivaled by the bright one that shone in the sky that very night. Each undulated up and down with every step, the Queen taking several as she giggled towards their large bed. Annes thighs had no room between them as she walked. They looked like large, delicious German sausageswhich was not all that far from the truthand her calves were so bovine in nature that they deserved the name.

Henry, in his own obese glory, looking at his naked wife on their bed, was aroused as he had not been since the death of Jane Seymour. A small part of him had wondered if he could still experience such passion (a crippling thought for a man who had once been so virile), but there was no doubt of it now.

Let us now realize the unfulfilled promise of our wedding night, Anne said as invitingly as possible, spreading her large thighs to give her large husband all the help she could give him.

The King needed no further invitation. He plunged into Anne, claiming her maidenhood for England. For her part, Anne worked quickly to fall into a rhythm with her husband. She ran her chubby hands up and down his flabby chest, reveling in his body as much as he was in her own obese bulk. Henry had always had a weakness for buxom women and the pair of jiggling jugs in front of him mesmerized him as he pumped away. Their large bellies slapped up against one another over and over and over again and the sound only seemed to increase the pleasure for each.

Each new wave of pleasure seemed a liberation from Anne austere upbringing at Cleves. She moaned softly in ecstasy as she ran her nails lightly down her husbands back, raising goosebumps and eliciting a similar reaction from her corpulent husband.

Oh Anne, oh Anne! Henry cried, Anne, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!

Henry! I love you Henry! Anne replied in equal bliss. Her husband could only guess the general drift of her thoughts for she had been transported to such a heavenly plane that she had forgotten to speak English.

Their lovemaking began to acquire a sense of greater urgency, half stimulated by their own rapturous vocalizations of love. The weighty couple had now worked up a good sweat, for this was easily the most physical exertion either of them had engaged in for quite some time. The bed, which had been made by the finest carpenters in England, was beginning to shake and groan from the movement of so much weight. Both King and Queen were jiggling so much it was as if their bed was the epicenter of an earthquake that was shaking England to its core.

It was then that Anne experienced the firstand certainly not the lastorgasm of her life and she let Henry know it too with a loud cry. The event spurred Henry to an orgasm of his own and when he finished Annes tubby hubby collapsed onto her and the two could only lay there as they caught their breath after having achieved such heavenly heights.

When the King finally rolled off his wife, Anne cuddled up next to him, though admittedly her own belly was a slight obstacle to this. She put one arm around Henry at his own impressive gut and softly ran her hand along his rolls.

Do you find me very compatible? Anne asked.

Henry rolled over and took his enormous wife in his arms. Oh yes. Quite compatible indeed, he said with a smile as wide as his waist.

***

The next morning Henry set plans in motion for the long overdue coronation of his wife, which took place a little under a month later at Westminster Abbey. The silver and gold dress that Queen Anne wore for the event surpassed the cost of the dress worn by Anne Boleyn by leaps and bounds, largely because of the fact that much more fabric was required for this Anne than the first one.

Eight months later, Anne bore Henry his long awaited second son, Richard who was proclaimed a healthy boy. The birth of Richard was greeted with great rejoicing throughout Britain and fireworks in London. A year and a half later, Anne bore Henry twins, Eleanor and William, thus securing the Tudor dynastys succession for generations to come. Of course, this did not stop Henry and Annes passionate lovemaking, but it did mean that it was purely recreational, rather than a matter of state.

The surprise success of the marriage of Henry and Anne gave Thomas Cromwell the hope that he had escaped his perilous position. His hope was short lived, for Cromwell was removed as Chancellor two months after Annes coronation. Henry was still displeased with Cromwell for failing to find him a suitable wife. Though Cromwell was demoted, he kept his life (which was more than could be said for others who had displeased Henry) and he worked tirelessly for the remainder of his life in the Kings service to try and regain Henrys trust. He never did.

Charles Brandon was richly rewarded for his service to the King. He declined the open Chancellery, professing to the King that other men were better suited to that work. Instead, Charless lands were expanded greatly by the King. This made him one of the wealthiest men in England, after the King himself. He remained a close confidant of both the King and Queen for the remainder of his life, until he died in 1545.

Henrys happy marriage to Anne had political ramifications. It drove Henry to further embrace the Schmalkaldic League, even if the Church of England remained close in religious practice to Catholicism. Eager to tie England closer to the German Protestant states, Henry gladly approved the marriage of his eldest daughter to Philip of Bavaria. Philip, who had negligible lands of his own and no claim to any great inheritance, remained in England with Mary where her doting husband allowed Mary to continue in her private Catholic worship, having no great religious affinities one way or another. Though Mary never ascended to the throne, she and Philip remained prominent figures at court and were happily married for the remainder of their days.

Anne grieved at Henrys death with all of England in 1547. His death saw Annes stepson Edward VI rise to the throne, albeit under the guardianship of his uncle, Edward Seymour, as Lord Protector. Edward would never claim the throne in his own right, dying at the age of 15 in 1553. This brought Annes eldest son to the throne, who was crowned Richard IV at the age of 12. For the next five years Richard, who had been groomed from birth for such an unfortunate occurrence, continued both his formal education and his education in the affairs of state under the supervision of his brother in-law and the new Lord Protector, Philip of Bavaria (who was now a confirmed Englishman in all but ancestry). His mother was a continual and guarding figure at court and helped to mould her son as Jane Seymour had never had the ability to do with Edward.

Anne died in 1557 before seeing her son turn 18 and claim the rule of England in his own right. Her death was mourned throughout all of England. She was laid to rest with Henry VIII in St. Georges Chapel in Windsor Castle according the dying wishes of both.

As King, Richard reversed Edwards radical changes to the Church of England, restoring it to the faith that Henry VIII had left it upon his death. Though this disgruntled some of the nobles who wished to see even greater reform, it kept the country as a whole happy. Richard repaired Englands finances after the wanton spending of his father. This did make Richards court from being dull, however. Richard became known for holding great banquets to which noblewomen were invited to eat their fill. This was very likely linked to the fact that Richard was a notorious chubby chaser at court. When he married Jane Grey, his second cousin, she was a very plump bride.

The rest, as they say, is history.


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## Starling (Jun 14, 2009)

This was very, very good! I've been obsessed with the Tudors ever since I read the Allison Weir book when I was about nine, and I absolutely loved this story! I kind of skipped over the BBW bits to be honest, since that's not quite my thing, but I found this to be an incredible story in its own right!


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## JimBob (Jun 15, 2009)

Definitely better than that one about Anne Boleyn. However, remain doubtful over the idea that the Catholic faith would bring particular prosperity to England.


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## maltesefalcon (Jun 15, 2009)

JimBob said:


> Definitely better than that one about Anne Boleyn.



This was a very good tale, which I enjoyed immensely. Sorry you didn't care for mine. Can't please em all.


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## The Id (Jun 15, 2009)

Starling said:


> This was very, very good! I've been obsessed with the Tudors ever since I read the Allison Weir book when I was about nine, and I absolutely loved this story! I kind of skipped over the BBW bits to be honest, since that's not quite my thing, but I found this to be an incredible story in its own right!



I actually find it rather funny that someone skipped the BBW parts! I've never had anyone say that before in one of my stories. Honestly, I'm actually delighted that you did so and _still_ found it enjoyable. Thank you so much for saying so!



JimBob said:


> Definitely better than that one about Anne Boleyn. However, remain doubtful over the idea that the Catholic faith would bring particular prosperity to England.



I actually haven't read that one, but I really should at some point. Regarding Catholicism, I wasn't trying to insinuate that it was reinstated by Richard after Edward's death. What I was trying to say was that he instituted a very mild form of Anglicanism, which is the state that Henry VIII left the Church in. Apart from not recognizing the authority of the Pope, there were only a few very subtle differences when you boiled it down. So rather than go on an extreme Protestant tear (like Edward was trying to do) or outright reinstitute Catholicism (as Mary did in her own violent way), Richard continued the middle course set by his father. Hope that seems a little more realistic for you. Glad you enjoyed it!



maltesefalcon said:


> This was a very good tale, which I enjoyed immensely. Sorry you didn't care for mine. Can't please em all.



I'm quite glad that you enjoyed it! I guess I really should read your Anne Boleyn story now, shouldn't I? I'll just imagine Natalie Dormer throughout all of it. That'll make me quite happy.


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## Amandy (Jun 16, 2009)

Interesting and enjoyable. Although like Starling, I was more about the descriptions of Henry  Too bad Jonathan Rhys Myers wont get a little more "historically accurate" for the part. A TRUE actor would gain the weight 

My only complaint is that the reign of this fake King Richard character totally cockblocks the real history of the greatest ruler in British history, Queen Elizabeth I. You men and your revisionism


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## agouderia (Jun 16, 2009)

Amandy said:


> My only complaint is that the reign of this fake King Richard character totally cockblocks the real history of the greatest ruler in British history, Queen Elizabeth I. You men and your revisionism



....could not agree more - that actually is the first thing that came to my mind too!

Apart from that - and even though I enjoyed reading the story - I also have my doubts whether this outcome of history would actually have been an improvement for Anne of Cleves. 
Generally she is considered as the by far luckiest of Henry's wives because she came out of the short marriage with her head still on, her fortunes multiplied and a positive role at the English court to lead a rather peaceful life.


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## The Id (Jun 16, 2009)

agouderia said:


> Amandy said:
> 
> 
> > Interesting and enjoyable. Although like Starling, I was more about the descriptions of Henry  Too bad Jonathan Rhys Myers wont get a little more "historically accurate" for the part. A TRUE actor would gain the weight
> ...



It depends on how much you see rulers as the embodiment of a spirit of the times or an actual historical force in their own right. I'm no scholar of the Elizabethan period, but I've heard it argued that William Cecil (I think it was him) was responsible for most of the successes of the English court that we now attribute to Elizabeth. But, as I said, I lack the erudition in this era to effectively argue that point--which could simply be more "revisionism".  I will say that anyone who'd like to think about that period of time should feel more than welcome to write a story about Elizabeth I has a full figured monarch! 

Regarding Anne and her historical place at court, it's true she made out rather well in the end. Alison Weir alleges that she was perhaps more skillful than lucky as she knew it was best to let Henry have his way. Regarding whether she was better off there...it's all speculation, but considering how Henry reverenced Jane for producing a male heir, if Anne had given him two sons, I'd wager that would have produced quite a bit of love. But this is all alternate history. We can trade suppositions all day long with little to support them.

I'm just glad you both enjoyed the story.


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## Amandy (Jun 16, 2009)

The Id said:


> I'm no scholar of the Elizabethan period, but I've heard it argued that William Cecil (I think it was him) was responsible for most of the successes of the English court that we now attribute to Elizabeth. But, as I said, I lack the erudition in this era to effectively argue that point--which could simply be more "revisionism".



 Of course, the enormous success of any female leader must certainly be attributable to a male; so rarely the case is argued for any male ruler (most of whom were worthless and inferior in comparison to the intellect and cunning of the brilliant QEI). 

Then again, doesn't Cheney get all the "credit" these days too?


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## forglum (Jun 16, 2009)

Well a rather unexpected subject of a story to find here, but really rather enjoyable, good work indeed


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## The Id (Jun 16, 2009)

forglum said:


> Well a rather unexpected subject of a story to find here, but really rather enjoyable, good work indeed



Glad that you thought so! Sometimes obscurer figures are quite interesting indeed.


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## Rebel (Jun 17, 2009)

As a veteran of a Renaissance festival based on the time of the marriage of Henry and Anne Boleyn, I had to do plenty of study for not only the history of the period, but even more for the courtesies and customs. With only the fewest pickiest exceptions, I am very pleased with your story and damned gald I read it. You did a wonderful job of keeping a story entertaining and fluid while sticking to historical accuracy. That is not an easy task and you succeeded in every way. Thank you for sharing your talnt with us here.

The only complaint that I do have is that words like "boobs" and "hooters" jarred me out of the flow of the story. Fortunately, your writing style is so good that I was able to find my way back into the world of your tale very quickly after these bumps. Thanks again!


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## Tad (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks for the story, great fun! I could quibble, but I'd rather just enjoy the good stuff


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## The Id (Jun 17, 2009)

Rebel said:


> As a veteran of a Renaissance festival based on the time of the marriage of Henry and Anne Boleyn, I had to do plenty of study for not only the history of the period, but even more for the courtesies and customs. With only the fewest pickiest exceptions, I am very pleased with your story and damned gald I read it. You did a wonderful job of keeping a story entertaining and fluid while sticking to historical accuracy. That is not an easy task and you succeeded in every way. Thank you for sharing your talnt with us here.
> 
> The only complaint that I do have is that words like "boobs" and "hooters" jarred me out of the flow of the story. Fortunately, your writing style is so good that I was able to find my way back into the world of your tale very quickly after these bumps. Thanks again!



High praise indeed! Thank you! As for my word choice, I didn't even think of that, but then again this was the first period piece I've ever done. If I ever do another, I will definitely endeavor to think about such things a little more carefully. I'm glad that even with a layman's knowledge from what could easily be a dubious source (in that it's a TV show and we all know how accurate they can be!), I still got things right!



edx said:


> Thanks for the story, great fun! I could quibble, but I'd rather just enjoy the good stuff



Quibbling is not allowed. Didn't you see the disclaimer?  Nah, in all seriousness thank you!


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