# I'm giving in....



## thechampofchamps (May 17, 2010)

After trying and trying for so long now to get my fiancée to see herself as beautiful at her size(she's about 220lbs) and also trying to get the point across that I'm an FA who truely finds her curves attractive and thinks she is the most beautiful woman alive, I am giving up... I realize she will always hate being a bigger woman she made it clear she wants to be 140lbs the end. Of course I tried to tell her she looked beautiful and that I think she looks better at this weight, but no. No, she is not having it anymore. She says no more squeezing or touching spots she doesn't like(my favorite spots) I've been dealing with this for so long now, it's just to much. I love her more than anything and would never leave her over something physical, then I'd be no better than the guys that are rude to women for being "to fat" no I think I just have to sit back and continue to watch her pounds drop off , quietly....and supportively.... For the first time I kinda wish I wasn't an FA, which makes me sad... I've always loved BBW's and all proud plus size women... I just feel like it's hard sometimes, to love something that the world(including my fiancée) says I should find gross and unatractive. That will never happen though, I'll find a big belly on a woman more hot than not... I'll always be an FA, just I guess a quieter one at home.... Thanks for listening Dims


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## bigjayne66 (May 17, 2010)

That is so sad,it makes me want to cry,
I went through a period of hating my size when I hit 280lbs,but came through the other side after only losing 30lbs,however if i were a guy in your position I would not be wanting to keep the relationship going,once a BBW lover,always a BBW lover,I have a boyfriend who is not an FA as such,but I am growing on him,literally!!!!,and he has already stated that he does not want me to slim for him,even with my weight at 430lbs,he is starting to love all the softness,so I can understand how you feel about losing that wonderful feeling,your fiancee may have other qualities that attract you to her but having that 'no squishy bits' and 'no touching' rule would be too much for me to bear if i were a guy as I am very tactile....
Hope you can sort something,just wish your fiancee would compromise,as that is what strong relationships are about.
extremely squishy hugs 
Jayne


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## musicman (May 17, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> I've always loved BBW's and all proud plus size women... I just feel like it's hard sometimes, to love something that the world(including my fiancée) says I should find gross and unatractive. That will never happen though, I'll find a big belly on a woman more hot than not... I'll always be an FA, just I guess a quieter one at home.... Thanks for listening Dims




I don't know how to say this diplomatically. If you really love this woman, you have to let her go. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for her. 

You sound like you are trying to be self-less by putting her needs first. So think about her needs. Doesn't she deserve a man who will truly support her in her dream of losing weight? You are not that man, and you know it. She doesn't want a Fat Admirer, and you don't want a self-hating dieter. Despite the love you feel, you two are horribly mismatched. For her sake (and yours), set her free to find her true match in this world. And then you can find yours.


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## LoveBHMS (May 17, 2010)

musicman said:


> I don't know how to say this diplomatically. If you really love this woman, you have to let her go. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for her.
> 
> You sound like you are trying to be self-less by putting her needs first. So think about her needs. Doesn't she deserve a man who will truly support her in her dream of losing weight? You are not that man, and you know it. She doesn't want a Fat Admirer, and you don't want a self-hating dieter. Despite the love you feel, you two are horribly mismatched. For her sake (and yours), set her free to find her true match in this world. And then you can find yours.



There are some cases where i might agree with you, but the OP is not one of them. He says he "loves her more than anything". The mere fact of him being sad over a weight loss is clearly not enough to make him want to end the relationship. Even if it is a stumbling block or frustration for him, this is not always a reason to leave somebody. 

I really did not think of this before, but BigJayne's comments about how she is with a man who's not an FA made me realize that not once on this board, when somebody mentions being with somebody who's not an FA has anyone said "Oh if he's not an FA you need to leave him. He'll always want a skinny woman and eventually he'll get frustrated with somebody 400 pounds." There have been lots of posts from SSBBW and BBW who've been with non-FA and they've never been warned to leave them. There have even been discussions about how some women donn't even want FAs at all as partners because there is too much focus on the physical/sexual side of a relationship.

These things are not always black and white.


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## FuzzyNavel (May 17, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> There are some cases where i might agree with you, but the OP is not one of them. He says he "loves her more than anything". The mere fact of him being sad over a weight loss is clearly not enough to make him want to end the relationship. Even if it is a stumbling block or frustration for him, this is not always a reason to leave somebody.
> 
> I really did not think of this before, but BigJayne's comments about how she is with a man who's not an FA made me realize that not once on this board, when somebody mentions being with somebody who's not an FA has anyone said "Oh if he's not an FA you need to leave him. He'll always want a skinny woman and eventually he'll get frustrated with somebody 400 pounds." There have been lots of posts from SSBBW and BBW who've been with non-FA and they've never been warned to leave them. There have even been discussions about how some women donn't even want FAs at all as partners because there is too much focus on the physical/sexual side of a relationship.
> 
> These things are not always black and white.




Question...

If they are not an FA, then how/why would the be with someone who is fat? I mean, isn't that kind of like a guy, who's in a relationship with a guy, and saying "I'm not gay/bisexual/etc"
I would think if someone found their fat partner, attractive, then they are FA...that might not be the only thing that they are attracted too...but physical attraction is physical attraction...if you're fat and a person is attracted to you...then I would think it would be safe to assume they find the fat attractive (even if its only your fat)...too.


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## thechampofchamps (May 17, 2010)

bigjayne66 said:


> That is so sad,it makes me want to cry,
> I went through a period of hating my size when I hit 280lbs,but came through the other side after only losing 30lbs,however if i were a guy in your position I would not be wanting to keep the relationship going,once a BBW lover,always a BBW lover,I have a boyfriend who is not an FA as such,but I am growing on him,literally!!!!,and he has already stated that he does not want me to slim for him,even with my weight at 430lbs,he is starting to love all the softness,so I can understand how you feel about losing that wonderful feeling,your fiancee may have other qualities that attract you to her but having that 'no squishy bits' and 'no touching' rule would be too much for me to bear if i were a guy as I am very tactile....
> Hope you can sort something,just wish your fiancee would compromise,as that is what strong relationships are about.
> extremely squishy hugs
> Jayne



Thank you, I needed a squishy hug


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## thechampofchamps (May 17, 2010)

Exactly not black and white... Believe me when I say I Love this girl, all of her not just her body, but yes I do love her body. I'm being as supportive as I can towards her, but it's hard sometimes. At her biggest(around 260) I was in heaven, so seeing her lose is honestly semi-depressing for me. An example, she knew I was an FA, I told her on our first date, I don't like to hide it it's something I'm very proud of, and because of this for awhile she let me have certain FA pleasures. My favorite being at night when we went to bed she would lay on her side I would put my face in her hair and a hand under the softest part of her belly...looking back probably the most relaxing part of my day, I know cause I've missed it. It's just tough. They do say true love always finds a way though


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## fatgirlflyin (May 17, 2010)

musicman said:


> I don't know how to say this diplomatically. If you really love this woman, you have to let her go. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for her.
> 
> You sound like you are trying to be self-less by putting her needs first. So think about her needs. Doesn't she deserve a man who will truly support her in her dream of losing weight? You are not that man, and you know it. She doesn't want a Fat Admirer, and you don't want a self-hating dieter. Despite the love you feel, you two are horribly mismatched. For her sake (and yours), set her free to find her true match in this world. And then you can find yours.



He loves her, he said so himself, and that love isn't going to go away just because she loses weight. If a man were to come here and say that he was feeling less attracted to his wife because she was gaining weight he would be torn a new one. The double standard bothers me...


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## mossystate (May 17, 2010)

Love might not go away as the weight heads out the door, but he is mourning something that will never leave him, and is trying to contain deep feelings, the kind of feelings that, if there is not a real understanding just how important those feelings are, will have him secretly getting fixes that are bound to be exposed...and things will get messier than he could have ever imagined. 
Love is grand, but unless there is some couples counseling, and individual work done, I think Champ will continue coming to Dims to check out the paysites, while lamenting his real life situation, and feeling obsessed/uplifted over every lost pound that might be regained...and sad over every pound that stays gone. She has already heard the words of how he thinks she looked better...fatter ( sorry, but the cluelessness of this is stunning ), so she, too, will always be wondering and obsessed.

That's a hell of a roller coaster ride. You can't convince someone of something, just because you want it so badly. It won't work, and it can also smack of a real selfishness. You told her you are an ' fa '...she told you she wants to be small. It now seems like a battle...you are not allowed to touch her certain places...and she will get support that is not sincere. " Giving In "... that's not coming from a place of any real vision and understanding. Talk to someone, and be very honest. If she won't talk to anybody, do it for yourself.


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## LoveBHMS (May 17, 2010)

i wonder if this board would be equally supportive of somebody leaving a partner who gained weight.

"oh you're not an FA, you don't find fat women attractive. If she's gaining weight you really should just do both of you a favor and leave her. you're always going to yearn for the smaller figure she used to have. you're always going to miss her old body."

Anyone who rejected a woman for gaining would be seen as shallow and superficial. Yet the OP's choice to not reject a partner over weight loss is seen as suspect. All relationships have conflict, none are perfect. If a man whose wife got flabby and out of shape over time were running to the latest issue of Playboy or trolling for internet porn, yes it would be sad but should he actually LEAVE over it?


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## mossystate (May 17, 2010)

If someone is going to resent a person changing their body, then I guess I am just silly enough to think that is gonna spell some big trouble. Throw in such things as " you looked better before " ( no matter which way the needle on the scale bounces )... and that running to things like porn is going to affect people in real and deep and powerful ways. I guess rejection has more than a few definitions.


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## KittyKitten (May 17, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> After trying and trying for so long now to get my fiancée to see herself as beautiful at her size(she's about 220lbs) and also trying to get the point across that I'm an FA who truely finds her curves attractive and thinks she is the most beautiful woman alive, I am giving up... I realize she will always hate being a bigger woman she made it clear she wants to be 140lbs the end. Of course I tried to tell her she looked beautiful and that I think she looks better at this weight, but no. No, she is not having it anymore. She says no more squeezing or touching spots she doesn't like(my favorite spots) I've been dealing with this for so long now, it's just to much. I love her more than anything and would never leave her over something physical, then I'd be no better than the guys that are rude to women for being "to fat" no I think I just have to sit back and continue to watch her pounds drop off , quietly....and supportively.... For the first time I kinda wish I wasn't an FA, which makes me sad... I've always loved BBW's and all proud plus size women... I just feel like it's hard sometimes, to love something that the world(including my fiancée) says I should find gross and unatractive. That will never happen though, I'll find a big belly on a woman more hot than not... I'll always be an FA, just I guess a quieter one at home.... Thanks for listening Dims



You can't make a woman love herself. If she dislikes herself even after you have convinced her that she is worthy and beautiful then that is not your fault. 

And you know what? Even if she does drop to 140 or whatever, there's still a chance she would still have a low self esteem; losing weight doesn't take that away. 

I don't know you, but you look deep down in yourself and find out the best solution for this problem. To be honest, I don't think this relationship will last.


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## disconnectedsmile (May 17, 2010)

this is like those stories you hear where a homosexual man tries to have a "normal" life by getting married to a woman...
...only to have the marriage end when the woman catches the man looking at gay porn, or sleeping with another man.

this girl really in her heart wants to lose weight.
the OP is an FA and will always be an FA.
it _might_ work, but there's a strong chance it won't last much longer.

thechampofchamps, it's time to ask yourself the potentially hard question: "is it really worth it?"


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## Jes (May 17, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> certain FA pleasures. My favorite being at night when we went to bed she would lay on her side I would put my face in her hair and a hand under the softest part of her belly



you can't still? even at a lower weight, everyone has a softest part of a belly. I don't know if that's an FA pleasure--I think most couples who are intimate like snuggling and touching. The belly doesn't have to be big to be soft and the partner doesn't have to be at his or her highest weight to be comforting and welcoming.


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## truebebeblue (May 17, 2010)

Well the good news is dieting nearly always fails and the result of dieting is usually GAINING weight . If you really love her keep accepting her and telling her she is beautiful at every weight and maybe as she gets older she will begin to accept herself. 



True


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## LoveBHMS (May 17, 2010)

disconnectedsmile said:


> this is like those stories you hear where a homosexual man tries to have a "normal" life by getting married to a woman...
> ...only to have the marriage end when the woman catches the man looking at gay porn, or sleeping with another man.
> 
> this girl really in her heart wants to lose weight.
> ...



He has addressed this. He said he loves her and does not want to leave her. We do not know anything about their relationship except for this part of it. They may have children together, they may have gotten together over any number of things including religion or shared values. For all we know it was an arranged marriage and their main priorities were pleasing their families. Sounding the death knell over just her size seems unfair to both of them. i agree that in SOME cases it might mean the relationship is not right, but i just don't see it as being the case here.


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## KittyKitten (May 17, 2010)

disconnectedsmile said:


> this is like those stories you hear where a homosexual man tries to have a "normal" life by getting married to a woman...
> ...only to have the marriage end when the woman catches the man looking at gay porn, or sleeping with another man.
> 
> this girl really in her heart wants to lose weight.
> ...



Exactly, I agree. No sugarcoating. The man likes what he likes. He is a FA and he is attracted to the large curves, plushness and stature of large women. That is what revs his engine. As soon as this lady loses all that weight, I think it would be difficult for him to be turned on by her. Yes he can love her, but would he be turned on by a slender chick? Sex/sexual attraction is a huge part of any relationship/marriage.


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## wrestlingguy (May 17, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> After trying and trying for so long now to get my fiancée to see herself as beautiful at her size(she's about 220lbs) and also trying to get the point across that I'm an FA who truely finds her curves attractive and thinks she is the most beautiful woman alive, I am giving up... I realize she will always hate being a bigger woman she made it clear she wants to be 140lbs the end. Of course I tried to tell her she looked beautiful and that I think she looks better at this weight, but no. No, she is not having it anymore. She says no more squeezing or touching spots she doesn't like(my favorite spots) I've been dealing with this for so long now, it's just to much. I love her more than anything and would never leave her over something physical, then I'd be no better than the guys that are rude to women for being "to fat" no I think I just have to sit back and continue to watch her pounds drop off , quietly....and supportively.... For the first time I kinda wish I wasn't an FA, which makes me sad... I've always loved BBW's and all proud plus size women... I just feel like it's hard sometimes, to love something that the world(including my fiancée) says I should find gross and unatractive. That will never happen though, I'll find a big belly on a woman more hot than not... I'll always be an FA, just I guess a quieter one at home.... Thanks for listening Dims



Okay, I'm going to go back a few years, before I even found Dimensions. I met a girl after my first divorce. Pretty woman, 2 kids, weight 137. We hit it off, and within several months, she moved in. At the time, I owned several businesses, and worked a lot.............a WHOLE lot. Well, within a year, her weight had gone up to 240 lbs, she went from a size 8-10 to a 16-18, and hated herself for it.

I always knew I was attracted to fat, curvy women, but it was a preference as opposed to a prerequisite (at least, at that time). I embraced her fat. She didn't

She went on a diet, and got her weight back down (with my support via healthy eating, and exercise) to about 145 pounds. I loved her, met her at her original weight, so for me, nothing changed except a net gain of 8 pounds.

The weight stayed off for a couple of months, but over the next 18 months, she gained it back, and more. She was up to a dress size 22-24. Again, while I loved her thin, I loved her fat as well. The sex for me was even more incredible, and I would hold and caress every fat roll on her body. She hated sex, based on how she looked, and began to think something was wrong with me for actually liking what she "had become".

She began to do the same thing that your fiancee did to you.....no more touching the "good stuff". I could sense the hostility over the fact that I enjoyed her fat, when the rest of the world told her how horrible it was. As someone who loved HER, I didn't mind the weight loss at all, and had been there with her for the first one. I also told her I would be back to help her again, if she wanted to lose.

While that was going on, I discovered this website. I began to look to this place to understand why my attraction to fat women was not disgusting or abnormal. Back then, I spoke mostly with other FA's, who were more than willing to share their experiences with me, much like I am with you now. After some months here, I felt less "freakish" than I did before I stumbled onto Dimensions. 

My fiancee, however, found my link online to the Dims page, and literally went berserk on me. She called this place "porn", and said now she was really determined to lose the weight, and even accused me of attempting to sabotage her "diet". The sexual intimacy stopped with me immediately, and she left several weeks later.

I know that everyone else's experiences are their own, and mine is not something that will absolutely happen to you. For what it's worth, I had no idea of what to expect at the time, but I will say that generally, when people disagree on this type of issue, it takes a lot of work to get through it. My girl chose to leave, rather than work through it, because it was the path of least resistance. I, on the other hand, was willing to go to counseling, and try to work it out.

So, I hope that both of you will be able to seek compromise in this, and not lose focus on the love you have for each other. I would also consider going for counseling together, towards that end.

Good luck to you.
Phil


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> After trying and trying for so long now to get my fiancée to see herself as beautiful at her size(she's about 220lbs) and also trying to get the point across that I'm an FA who truely finds her curves attractive and thinks she is the most beautiful woman alive, I am giving up... I realize she will always hate being a bigger woman she made it clear she wants to be 140lbs the end. Of course I tried to tell her she looked beautiful and that I think she looks better at this weight, but no. No, she is not having it anymore. She says no more squeezing or touching spots she doesn't like(my favorite spots) I've been dealing with this for so long now, it's just to much. *I love her more than anything and would never leave her over something physical*, then I'd be no better than the guys that are rude to women for being "to fat" no I think I just have to sit back and continue to watch her pounds drop off , quietly....and supportively.... For the first time I kinda wish I wasn't an FA, which makes me sad... I've always loved BBW's and all proud plus size women...* I just feel like it's hard sometimes, to love something that the world(including my fiancée) says I should find gross and unatractive.* That will never happen though, I'll find a big belly on a woman more hot than not... I'll always be an FA, just I guess a quieter one at home.... Thanks for listening Dims



Dude this isn't "just physical".... 
Although, of course, some physical basis of attraction should be part of marriage.

It's about orientation and attitudes...
You're an FA by orientation. That won't change.
You're fiancee's attitude is hate for fat(ness), she finds it gross.

Ergo - your fiancee finds a fundamental part of YOU (and herself too) to be hateful and gross.

The two of you do NOT have the foundation for a successful marriage here.
You do have a foundation for both of you to be miserable:
- When she's thin you'll be miserable cos she's thin, and she'll probably be miserable too, cos she knows you find her un/less attractive thin.
- When she's fat she'll be miserable cos she hates being fat and - if you have any empathy at all - you'll feel like an asshole for enjoying what makes her sad.


You will not be doing her a favour by marrying her. 
(In the same way that - if you were gay you would not be doing a straight woman a favour by marrying her.)

I've been in a similar situation (with a gf who hated being fat) and I feel for both of you.
Good luck.


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> There are some cases where i might agree with you, but the OP is not one of them. He says he "loves her more than anything". The mere fact of him being sad over a weight loss is clearly not enough to make him want to end the relationship. Even if it is a stumbling block or frustration for him, this is not always a reason to leave somebody.



The weightloss hasn't happened yet, and the fella is in mourning.
That's not going to get better.



> I really did not think of this before, but BigJayne's comments about how she is with a man who's not an FA made me realize that not once on this board, when somebody mentions being with somebody who's not an FA has anyone said "Oh if he's not an FA you need to leave him. He'll always want a skinny woman and eventually he'll get frustrated with somebody 400 pounds." There have been lots of posts from SSBBW and BBW who've been with non-FA and they've never been warned to leave them. There have even been discussions about how some women donn't even want FAs at all as partners because there is too much focus on the physical/sexual side of a relationship.
> 
> These things are not always black and white.



There's a huge difference between "not-FA-but has no strong physical preference". And a Thin Admirer.

There's plenty of TAs around and you can read LOTS of posts from BBWs who had a terrible time dating them. Society calls TAs "normal". 

And sure, lots of women don't want a man with a strong physical preference.
Those women can pick someone else to be with.
Those men are stuck with that preference / orientation.


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## LoveBHMS (May 17, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Dude this isn't "just physical"....
> Although, of course, some physical basis of attraction should be part of marriage.
> 
> It's about orientation and attitudes...
> ...



You are projecting your own experiences onto the OP. Saying "this happened to me and therefore will happen to you" is just short sighted.

These are two people who are committed to each other. If a relationship could end over some poundage, what kind of relationship was it to begin with? Even if her size is a source of conflict, so what? EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP has conflicts and problems.


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## TraciJo67 (May 17, 2010)

I'm thinking it's not a bad thing that OP prefers larger women so it's not a matter of judging him. I empathize with his situation. He loves his SO. Yet so much of what he's saying rings of a sense of loss and frustration that she's not what he needs. I wouldn't go so far as to say that she's a "self hating dieter" (as someone else has suggested). What we do know, based on OP's comments, is that she just doesn't want to be fat. 

OP, I can only respond to your dilemma as if I were in this kind of relationship -- what I'd want and need from you. If you found yourself less attracted to me, obsessed over the weight I may gain or lose, looking at and thinking a lot about other women who do excite you sexually ... I'd want to know about this, so that I could make a decision about whether to continue the relationship. If I were in your position, I wouldn't hide my feelings. I wouldn't accuse her or lead her to believe that she's wrong. I'd simply tell her that these are your feelings, you'd change them if you could because you do love her, but this is what you are struggling with. 

I think you need to really examine your feelings, irrespective of the love that you have for her. Can you remain faithful to her without feeling that you are losing out on something? Can you love her in a way that is meaningful to her (I assume that she very much wants to be desired sexually)? If she does lose weight and becomes thin, what is that going to do to your libido? Maybe you don't even know the answer to these questions -- but I do think that, at minimum, she deserves to know that these are questions you are asking yourself. 

Unfortunately, she's probably going to feel insecure and angry. You're giving her a message that you can't love her exactly as she is. And the truth is, you can't, at least not wholly. Ultimately, it may be enough -- for both of you. But I think she needs to know the truth, ugly bits and all. You aren't the bad guy for feeling as you do. The only way you'd be the bad guy at all is if you withhold important, possibly life-altering information from her or you act secretively on your unhappy feelings -- like so many men here do, married to their thin wives while seeking encounters with fat women. THAT is reprehensible.


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

thechampofchamps said:


> Exactly not black and white... Believe me when I say I Love this girl, all of her not just her body, but yes I do love her body. I'm being as supportive as I can towards her, but it's hard sometimes. At her biggest(around 260) I was in heaven, so seeing her lose is honestly semi-depressing for me. An example, *she knew I was an FA, I told her on our first date, *I don't like to hide it it's something I'm very proud of, and because of this for awhile she let me have _certain FA pleasures._ *My favorite being at night when we went to bed she would lay on her side I would put my face in her hair and a hand under the softest part of her belly...looking back probably the most relaxing part of my day, I know cause I've missed it. *It's just tough. _They do say true love always finds a way though_



1) you were up front with her from the start.
2) she's only lost 40lbs so far and you're semi-depressed. It'll get worse. From my experience.
3) she played a bait and switch with you. You're not even married yet and she's already reducing intimacy in your relationship. To the extent of not letting you touch her in certain places, cos she hates her body *that* much...
4) That^ favourite which you mention is NOT an "FA pleasure" as such. It's called "spooning". It's a wonderful, intimate hug. Thin people do it too.
5) Yeah and they do say there's gold at the end of the rainbow too.

Run, don't walk.




fatgirlflyin said:


> He loves her, he said so himself, and that love isn't going to go away just because she loses weight. If a man were to come here and say that he was feeling less attracted to his wife because she was gaining weight he would be torn a new one. The double standard bothers me...





LoveBHMS said:


> i wonder if this board would be equally supportive of somebody leaving a partner who gained weight.
> 
> "oh you're not an FA, you don't find fat women attractive. If she's gaining weight you really should just do both of you a favor and leave her. you're always going to yearn for the smaller figure she used to have. you're always going to miss her old body."




That's right he'll probably still love her. But he won't be attracted to her.
That'll be grrrrreat for both of them, huh? It won't be painful. at. all. /sarcasm

Sure a Thin Admirer on here would get ripped a new one. Cos he'd be in the wrong place.
There's an entire website dedicated to TAs (male and female btw) whining about their now fat SOs/spouses.

It's not a double standard. 
It's just that the physical type and preference celebrated HERE - is fat. 

I know lots of people want a partner who doesn't have a "physical aspect" to their desires.
*Those only-want-to-fuck-your-personality-folks must get snapped up like hot cakes on the dating scene.* 



LoveBHMS said:


> Anyone who rejected a woman for gaining would be seen as shallow and superficial. Yet the OP's choice to not reject a partner over weight loss is seen as suspect. All relationships have conflict, none are perfect. *If a man whose wife got flabby and out of shape over time were running to the latest issue of Playboy or trolling for internet porn, yes it would be sad but should he actually LEAVE over it?*



Not the same thing:
It's NOT about a gradual involuntary change due to age. 
How many times have we had that red herring example on here???

It's about HER attitude to herself as she is, now, youthful and FAT. 
She HATES herself FAT.
He LOVES her as she is - FAT.

She is deliberately changing herself, right now.
She is 40lbs into a 120lb weightloss and the guy is already in mourning.
Recipe for disaster.
For their relationship.
For both of them.

The equivalent e.g. is a Playboy bunny who hated being thin, but with a TA bf, deliberately choosing to gain 120lbs.
I'd advise THEM to split up too!


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## KittyKitten (May 17, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> You are projecting your own experiences onto the OP. Saying "this happened to me and therefore will happen to you" is just short sighted.
> 
> These are two people who are committed to each other. If a relationship could end over some poundage, what kind of relationship was it to begin with? Even if her size is a source of conflict, so what? EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP has conflicts and problems.




Like I said, sexual attraction is a very large part of a relationship, it's no small thing. Sure, these men are speaking from their own viewpoint, but this situation happens time and time again.

It's not PC to say, but men are extremely visual creatures, more so than women. If he is not attracted to his wife sexually, that relationship is doomed. 

It is a good idea for the OP to think about his future before he walks down the altar and then it too late (and expensive) to turn back.


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

...tidying up....


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

Jes said:


> you can't still? even at a lower weight, everyone has a softest part of a belly. I don't know if that's an FA pleasure--I think most couples who are intimate like snuggling and touching. The belly doesn't have to be big to be soft and the partner doesn't have to be at his or her highest weight to be comforting and welcoming.



It's not "lack of belly" - champ said this in his OP:


> _She says no more squeezing *or touching* spots *she doesn't like*(my favorite spots) _





TraciJo67 said:


> I'm thinking it's not a bad thing that OP prefers larger women so it's not a matter of judging him. I empathize with his situation. He loves his SO. Yet so much of what he's saying rings of a sense of loss and frustration that she's not what he needs. I wouldn't go so far as to say that she's a "self hating dieter" (as someone else has suggested). What we do know, based on OP's comments, is that she just doesn't want to be fat.
> 
> *snip*
> 
> ...



Good post. Just one point:
No, he loves her fine AS SHE IS.
He's afraid he won't desire her as much AS SHE HAS CHOSEN TO BECOME.

Physically anyway.

Unless, when you refer to her "as she is" you mean:
"as someone who hates being fat and won't let him touch her, probably cos on some level she thinks he is repulsive due to his FAness "

i.e. her attitude = 
"X on my body is gross. You love X. Therefore YOU are gross."

there is THAT...

so although you, TraciJo don't think Champ is the bad guy - I'm guessing his fiancee does.


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## mossystate (May 17, 2010)

_" Hello I am an FA dating a beautiful BBW, she is very attractive and knows I find her bodu sexualy attractive, but I don't feel she knows how attractive. She still wants to lose weight to fit into certain clothes or to look better out she says but I continuely try to keep her weight on. I think if I tell her how much I like bbw's she may find it strange since she has never embraced being one. Anyways I'll love her no matter what, but should I tell her I like her fat and may even like her to gain, and if so how??? "_

Perhaps the OP should have been a little more clear with her about just " how much " he likes fat women. This not so old post says that she has never embraced what he desires...and he has made it his mission to try and get what he wants. He knew she didn't want to be whatever weight...just like she knew he was an ' fa '...but even that is a little unclear from what he says in the above post. Maybe he thought a foot in the door would allow him to kick it wide open. Yeah, there is a whole lot none of us will ever know about the situation...human beings, and what we desire, and how we go about trying to get it/admit what we are doing......sticky stuff.


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## wrestlingguy (May 17, 2010)

I'm going to keep saying this over and over, because I don't think it can be said enough.

I've been with some women in my lifetime that have seen me go through many physical and emotional changes. My first wife could have left during my cancer, I even asked her to consider it. She chose to stay. As I've aged, my body has changed. The women in my life over the years have never used that as a reason to leave.

It is because of that I feel that the women in my life (those that I love) deserve better than for me to just run out the door when their bodies go through change, voluntary or not. I can't emphasize enough that when TRUE LOVE is involved, the FA bullshit for me goes out the door.

I don't know how many other guys feel this way, but that is part of my core, and I don't plan on changing.


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## bigjayne66 (May 17, 2010)

My late husband wasn't an FA either,I was 140lbs when we met 22 years ago and gained to 210 over 5 years or so,I did ask him if I was too big and he replied that as long as I didnt get really huge,meaning 300 plus he would be very comfortable with me and he found me attractive,He died 7 years ago and would be turning in his urn if he could see me now 220lbs heavier !!
The main point is that for a relationship to work there has to be a mutual attraction,and FAs are wired to love softness,if that softness is lost ,so is the physical spark usually...just hope a deal can be squeezed out as i hate to see break ups.


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> I'm going to keep saying this over and over, because I don't think it can be said enough.
> 
> I've been with some women in my lifetime that have seen me go through many physical and emotional changes. My first wife could have left during my cancer, I even asked her to consider it. She chose to stay. As I've aged, my body has changed. The women in my life over the years have never used that as a reason to leave.
> 
> ...



As you made clear in your earlier post upthread and in other threads before - your FAness is a preference, rather than an orientation... 

(Your ex, btw, clearly had the fatphobia baaaad, considering you'd helped her diet and had made it clear you dug her at any weight...)

Some of us are not so lucky... 
From Champs posts I reckon he's more an FA by orientation (like me) than by preference (like you)... I recognise the symptoms of FA-got-the-weightloss blues in Champ and I know from experience they can get much worse as weightloss continues (constant worry, sleeplessness, ulcers & worse)....

No-one here is talking about abandoning someone who is ill, nor someone who has shared the years and aged together... 
Champ-the-FA-by-orientation and his fatphobic fiancee are still at the early stages of their relationship.
They are not married yet.
All the signs are there for unhappiness if they do marry.
Champ would not be doing himself or her any favours by staying with her out of a sense of duty.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 17, 2010)

You love her?

Everything else is good?


If you truly want my opinion then here it is:

Hold On
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liT8cILFAV4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpBCHE1Pbss&feature=related


If you are "done"......and I mean that's it......that's how you sum up your whole relationship at this point in time, then maybe the getting out time is now.

Just remember though......finding someone to love that loves you back is tricky.

Make a list.......if the good still outweighs the bad....then maybe you should try again.

If the bad outweighs the good and you are as exhausted as your first post makes you sound, then maybe you should get out. 

People on the net don't know........only you will know. I gauge whether or not I have made the right decision to leave based upon how I feel when it's all said and done. If leaving gives me a sense of relief then I did the right thing. If you feel nothing but a sense of loss though.....


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## joswitch (May 17, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> You love her?
> 
> Everything else is good?
> 
> ...



can't. rep. you.


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## LoveBHMS (May 17, 2010)

> No-one here is talking about abandoning someone who is ill, nor someone who has shared the years and aged together...
> Champ-the-FA-by-orientation and his fatphobic fiancee are still at the early stages of their relationship.
> They are not married yet.
> All the signs are there for unhappiness if they do marry.
> Champ would not be doing himself or her any favours by staying with her out of a sense of duty.



Unless he's lying in his posts, he's staying with her because he wants to, not out of a sense of duty. 

Ultimately the only ones that matter are him and his partner.


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## fatgirlflyin (May 17, 2010)

joswitch said:


> *Those only-want-to-fuck-your-personality-folks must get snapped up like hot cakes on the dating scene.*



The thing is he isn't talking about just fucking, he says he is in love with this woman. 

Since you've seemingly lumped me in with the only-want-to-fuck-your-personality folks I will say that I'm in a relationship(same man for the last 8 years) and when I was single I had ZERO problems finding a date or a fuck buddy depending on my needs. If my s/o were to come home today and tell me that he couldn't be with me anymore because I'd lost 50 pounds that would tell me that he didn't really love me. 

This is NO different than a woman coming on here and talking about her husband not wanting her for gaining weight. When that happens the guy's an asshole and everyone is telling her to leave because he can't really care about her if he is treating her that way. But let someone come on here lamenting about weight loss and its a totally different story because its all about the fat around here. Nothing matters but teh fat...


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## LoveBHMS (May 17, 2010)

joswitch said:


> There's plenty of TAs around and you can read LOTS of posts from BBWs who had a terrible time dating them. Society calls TAs "normal".



And you can read LOTS of posts from BBW who had a nice time dating them. Sexuality is a very dynamic thing and it's hardly an exact science. It can not be that weird for somebody to have never been attracted to a certain look or body type but wind up interested in a particular individual. Just because a man is hot for thin women _in general_ doesn't mean he can never ever ever be attracted to a fat one. i really don't think if a fat woman posted on here that she went out with a non-FA and had a nice time everyone would attack her and insist she not go on another date because there's just no way a "thin admirer" can really be attracted to her.


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## wrench13 (May 18, 2010)

Been there, my friend. My advice = get out now. Not a good reciepe for either of you. COULD it work out? Maybe. But do you want to waste years possibly? Nope, 35 yrs experience for me says get out now. Good luck.


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## LoveBHMS (May 18, 2010)

What part of "I love her and would never leave her" don't you people understand?


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## musicman (May 18, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> What part of "I love her and would never leave her" don't you people understand?



Well, speaking for "us people", I don't think there's any misunderstanding here. We just don't believe that "love conquers all" in this case. We take Champ at face value. He says he'll always be an FA, yet his fiancee will never be happy as a fat woman. (What part of that is hard to understand?) We certainly wish him well, but from our own experiences, we predict unhappiness ahead. The relationship MIGHT work out well, but we think he needs more than a "hug". Only Champ can decide how he wants to live his life, but we want him to go into it with his eyes open. That's all I see here.


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## MissStacie (May 18, 2010)

It's always sad to me to read these posts from men/women who have partners who are so insatisfied with themselves, whether thin or fat.

Clearly, the OP, while in love with his woman, is in a very tough spot. He's in love with a woman who hates herself and is punishing HIM for liking/finding attractive what SHE hates. When you are in a relationship with someone who has such low self esteem, who has such low self worth, there is NOTHING that you can do, no amount of love to give, that can make this relationship work. God, thats so fucking sad, and I feel horrible saying it.

OP...please think about this, both for you and for her, and re-evaluate your relationship. Whether she is thin(she'll be happy, you won't be), or fat(you'll be happy and she'll be more miserable and hate that you are happy), neither one of you will be in a synchronized state of happiness and a relationship THRIVES on both partners being happy at the same time...not alternating. I know its a hard decision to make, but think about HER....she need to work on her inner body...that's what the problem is, not you being an FA and missing her chub(or loving it when its there).

There is a phrase "You can't fix crazy"...and while I don't think that either ONE of you is crazy...you can't fix the mental state/esteem of your partner..that is something they have to change themselves.

Just my $.02..and Good luck...

Stacie


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## KHayes666 (May 18, 2010)

disconnectedsmile said:


> this is like those stories you hear where a homosexual man tries to have a "normal" life by getting married to a woman...
> ...only to have the marriage end when the woman catches the man looking at gay porn, or sleeping with another man.
> 
> *this girl really in her heart wants to lose weight.
> ...



Turn the clock back 2 years and I was in the exact same position the OP was in. My g/f at the time wanted to lose weight (was about 170 at the time) and I've always been an open F/A.

However we did last, for 2 more months and the reason we broke up had nothing to do with size at all.

Sorry to throw a curveball into the discussion but it is possible to date someone who is the opposite of what you are looking for and still make it work. Just need your personalities to niche well.


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## LoveBHMS (May 18, 2010)

One thing i feel that a lot of people are missing here is that this is an _existing_ relationship. It's not like somebody is trying to fix him up on a blind date or encouraging him to hit on a skinny girl at a club. This is his fiancee, he doesn't want to break up with her over a change in her appearance. As wrestlinguy keeps pointing out--people change, bodies change, outward appearance changes. For that matter EVERYTHING changes over time. Somebody can get fat, get skinny, change jobs, get pregnant, go back to school, win the lottery, and any number of things. 

The fact of being sad about it, or disagreeing about something is hardly a reason to break up. Seriously is EVERY SINGLE PERSON married to somebody of his or her physical ideal?

I'm also willing to guess that any relationship that broke up because somebody lost weight was not very strong to begin with.


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## CastingPearls (May 18, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> You love her?
> 
> Everything else is good?
> 
> ...


Wanted to rep you for this.


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## Tad (May 18, 2010)

My reading of the original post was that he just needed to vent, somewhere where people might understand what he was going through.

So in that vein.....yah, been there, done that--lesser in degree, but the feelings are similar. Now in my wife's case she only lost about half the weight she'd hoped to lose. Do I still have a cognitive dissonance between what my imagination throws up as what I'd love to see/touch, and my loving her, wanting to support her, and still being attracted to her as she is? Sure. But you get used to it over time, and when you consider all of the things that you could have to learn to live with, its not so bad.

*shrug* I guess I'm just posting to say "Yes, your relationship can handle this, if you both want it to continue."


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## Miss Vickie (May 18, 2010)

FuzzyNavel said:


> Question...
> 
> If they are not an FA, then how/why would the be with someone who is fat? I mean, isn't that kind of like a guy, who's in a relationship with a guy, and saying "I'm not gay/bisexual/etc"



Not really. My husband isn't a FA and prior to me had been with women of all sizes and shapes. We met when I was 16 years old, slightly chubby, and he's been with me literally through thick (up to 320) and thin(nish -- 180). He loves me and has been attracted to me during all of the various changes in my body, including pregnancy, aging, cancer, WLS, cosmetic surgery, etc. Conversely, when I met him he was 6'2" and about 135 pounds. Now he's nearly double that. I love him, am wildly attractive to him, now as I was when he was super skinny. I'm not an FA.

That's how a non-FA can be with someone who's fat without self referring as a FA.


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## orin (May 18, 2010)

musicman said:


> I don't know how to say this diplomatically. If you really love this woman, you have to let her go. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for her.
> 
> You sound like you are trying to be self-less by putting her needs first. So think about her needs. Doesn't she deserve a man who will truly support her in her dream of losing weight? You are not that man, and you know it. She doesn't want a Fat Admirer, and you don't want a self-hating dieter. Despite the love you feel, you two are horribly mismatched. For her sake (and yours), set her free to find her true match in this world. And then you can find yours.



Easier said then done .... I am dealing with something similar, I am dealing with a woman I am very attracted to but she decided she wants to get smaller ... she already had a surgery to do so in her quest to loose weight ... but realistically I am not married to her yet and REFUSE to live with a wife i no longer sexually desire ... because i am the type of guy that has had women come up to me before ... and i tried being with a smaller woman physically but it was never satisfying ... eventually i will have to move on from her if she gets bone thin


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## mossystate (May 18, 2010)

orin said:


> Easier said then done .... I am dealing with something similar, I am dealing with a woman I am very attracted to but she decided she wants to get smaller ... she already had a surgery to do so in her quest to loose weight ... but realistically I am not married to her yet and REFUSE to live with a wife i no longer sexually desire ... because i am the type of guy that has had women come up to me before ... and i tried being with a smaller woman physically but it was never satisfying ... eventually i will have to move on from her if she gets bone thin



What the H?

No wedding ring means you can disrespect another human being like this? Does she know you are going to " move on " ? 

Christ...I just don't get some of this crap.


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## joswitch (May 18, 2010)

MissStacie said:


> It's always sad to me to read these posts from men/women who have partners who are so insatisfied with themselves, whether thin or fat.
> 
> Clearly, the OP, while in love with his woman, is in a very tough spot. He's in love with a woman who hates herself and is punishing HIM for liking/finding attractive what SHE hates. When you are in a relationship with someone who has such low self esteem, who has such low self worth, there is NOTHING that you can do, no amount of love to give, that can make this relationship work. God, thats so fucking sad, and I feel horrible saying it.
> 
> ...



can't rep you - damn! 





LoveBHMS said:


> And you can read LOTS of posts from BBW who had a nice time dating them [TAs]. Sexuality is a very dynamic thing and it's hardly an exact science. It can not be that weird for somebody to have never been attracted to a certain look or body type but wind up interested in a particular individual.* Just because a man is hot for thin women in general doesn't mean he can never ever ever be attracted to a fat one.* i really don't think if a fat woman posted on here that she went out with a non-FA and had a nice time everyone would attack her and insist she not go on another date because there's just no way a "thin admirer" can really be attracted to her.



Ah, you're confusing terms. 
Someone without a strong inbuilt preference / orientation, i.e. someone who is happy to date anyone of any size, either way could be described as any of: 
not-FA, 
not-TA, 
bisizual, 
weight neutral.
And sure a BBW can have a terrific time with a fella like that. (Yay!)
A TA on the other hand - is someone who has a strong inbuilt preference / orientation for thin women. By definition BBWs will not on the whole find themselves in a sexually satisfying relationship with a TA. 

Some guy who has up til then preferred thin women and suddenly finds himself happily dating a BBW? He wasn't a TA in the first place.

Non-FAs / non-TAs / bisizuals / weight neutral peeps will not - on the whole - be heard persistently mourning partners weight changes. Ergo - Champ isn't one of those people.





LoveBHMS said:


> One thing i feel that a lot of people are missing here is that this is an _existing_ relationship. It's not like somebody is trying to fix him up on a blind date or encouraging him to hit on a skinny girl at a club. This is his fiancee, he doesn't want to break up with her over a change in her appearance. As wrestlinguy keeps pointing out--people change, bodies change, outward appearance changes. For that matter EVERYTHING changes over time. Somebody can get fat, get skinny, change jobs, get pregnant, go back to school, win the lottery, and any number of things.
> 
> The fact of being sad about it, or disagreeing about something is hardly a reason to break up. Seriously is EVERY SINGLE PERSON married to somebody of his or her physical ideal?
> 
> I'm also willing to guess that *any relationship that broke up because somebody lost weight was not very strong to begin with*.



You keep missing the real point. 
Miss Stacey laid it out very well above, but many other posters have said it already in different ways. Forget about size /weight for the moment. It's about how they both feel inside.

fiancee :"I hate X with a deep seated loathing. I cannot have X in my life and be happy."

Champ:"I love X with a deep fundamental yearning. I cannot be happy without X in my life."

fiancee:"Your love of X causes me to feel some revulsion towards you by association. So I will withdraw intimacy from you"

Champ:"I really miss both X and that intimacy we used to have"

- where X is whatever fundamental physical or other component of life, pick ANYthing people care REALLY strongly about and feel fundamentally miserable with / without.

The situation here is: 
these two people may be in love, BUT they* cannot *be happy together, at the same time.

Also you keep talking about the relationship as though it was an end in and of itself. But: 
a relationship is only as valuable as it makes the two people in that relationship happier than if they were separate.


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## superodalisque (May 18, 2010)

2 ways to think about it:

1) what if she began not to find you as attractive as you grew older, she loved you but wasn't attracted anymore. what if she made sure she expressed that to you and you knew all about it? what if she spent time in her room at night looking at pix of buff young men? what would you want her to do? how would you feel if she left for a fresher version? 


2)what if you found a woman who was physically and sexually your dreams but you never found real love again. could you be okay with that?


i'm not saying any of this is true or could ever be true. just think about it in those terms. maybe those questions will help you to gage what you really want to do.

my impression is that you've already decided to go. otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. i think you are just searching for a validation for it .


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## joswitch (May 18, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> The thing is he isn't talking about just fucking, he says he is in love with this woman.
> 
> Since you've seemingly lumped me in with the only-want-to-fuck-your-personality folks I will say that I'm in a relationship(same man for the last 8 years) and when I was single I had ZERO problems finding a date or a fuck buddy depending on my needs. If my s/o were to come home today and tell me that he couldn't be with me anymore because I'd lost 50 pounds that would tell me that he didn't really love me.



Neither Champ (nor I when I was in a similar situation) are ready to run out after a loss of 40 or 50lbs per se.... (say 20% of body weight)... that's not an utterly transformative change there...

I was in a LTR with a BBW gf I loved for about 3 years, she was a mid sized BBW and her weight went up and down within a 40 odd lb range... Never bothered me, I still loved AND desired her... And I don't think Champ'd be here crying if that's all it was, either... 

There's two big differences between that (type of) situation and this:

1) that 40lb loss (20% of body weight) was not the first step on a total 120lb loss (50% of body weight) plan... which IS an utterly transformative change....

and

2) which is just as, if not more important (see also below) when my gf was 40lb lighter it wasn't cos she HATED her fat body to the point she couldn't bear for me to touch her. (she actually lost due to stress and also some b.c. meds she was on)

When I WAS in another, different relationship that did compare to Champ's, ONE of the many reasons that I split from my gf was: 
cos I DID love her....
That gf HATED being fat. She wanted to be (wanted as) a THIN(ish) girl.
I felt that she deserved that chance to be with someone who desired /lusted for her AS SHE SOUGHT TO BECOME. 
Rather than a guy who would always yearn for her as she WAS.

It is true when they say that sometimes if you really love someone - let them go.



> *This is NO different than a woman coming on here and talking about her husband not wanting her for gaining weight.* When that happens the guy's an asshole and everyone is telling her to leave because he can't really care about her if he is treating her that way. But let someone come on here lamenting about weight loss and its a totally different story because its all about the fat around here. Nothing matters but teh fat...



Yeah, there is a difference. 
That woman isn't (almost never) gaining deliberately because she finds her thin body utterly repulsive and she finds it unimaginable that anyone sane or good could be attracted to her thin body.
THAT^ right there is your difference.


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## Gingembre (May 18, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Sounding the death knell over just her size seems unfair to both of them. i agree that in SOME cases it might mean the relationship is not right, but i just don't see it as being the case here.


LoveBHMS, I'm going rep you because I pretty much agree with everything you've said in this thread. 

At the end of the day, we don't know how much of an issue his fiancee's size is to the OP, compared to the relationship as a whole - he wasn't even asking for advice, really. I think it's a bit rash to be advising him to leave his fiancee. OP says he loves her and doesn't want to leave her, so why not support her - if he loves her surely he wants her to be happy - and see how it goes? There are a million other reasons why this relationship could fail or succeed.



wrestlingguy said:


> It is because of that I feel that the women in my life (those that I love) deserve better than for me to just run out the door when their bodies go through change, voluntary or not. I can't emphasize enough that when TRUE LOVE is involved, the FA bullshit for me goes out the door.


This post made me smile! My weight is always going to be a struggle for me, and I am sure there will be much fluctuation (up and down). I really hope to meet someone that will, ultimately, love me for who i am (that ol' chestnut!) and find me attractive physically without it all coming down to my size (afterall, from my POV, my overall shape won't change, and I have pretty good hair/eyes/lips too!). Your post made me think that perhaps this is not an impossible dream.



wrench13 said:


> Been there, my friend. My advice = get out now. Not a good reciepe for either of you. COULD it work out? Maybe. But do you want to waste years possibly?


To play devil's advocate here...say they're together for 10 years...and in the last 2 years the relationship goes downhill and eventually falls apart. Are those 8 good years (filled, obviously, with life's ups and downs) a waste of time? Really? I don't think so.

My $0.02 - if the OP loves this woman (which he says he does - more than anything), he shouldn't just walk out. Better to enjoy loving her, try and accept her changing weight and see what happens than wonder what might have been.


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## LoveBHMS (May 18, 2010)

I just can't believe you've reduced somebody's relationship to what percentage of body weight they lose. 

20%--green light! Keep her. 
50%--red light. She's toast.

And seriously if this is all about attitude and body type, why would it matter why somebody changed? Are you saying it's ok to be thin if you lost weight from stress but not if you lost it from working out? 

A man who hates fatties is reasonable if he ditches a woman who gains intentionally but not reasonable if he ditches a woman who gains because of age or illness or medication? 

You know in some cases...some cases, it's about the individuals involved. A TA who is suddenly hot for an SSBBW may just have found a *particular woman* who turns him on. He may have become interested because they share an interest in classical music or she's a great mother or they met online and he fell for her intellect. Maybe he's not hot for fat but his interest in her BRAIN made him in turn lust after her. Have you ever heard the old saying that the strongest sex organ is between your ears?

And another thing, very few relationships are based on shared attitudes toward fat. And very few people's lives are consumed by either love or hatred of it. Even if somebody wants to lose weight it does NOT indicate some deep loathing of it, just a desire to be thin.


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## Fat Brian (May 18, 2010)

There may be a root to her self loathing that is much deeper than her weight. My wife takes her frustration and worthless feelings out on herself by criticizing her weight. She has been in therapy for about six months now and has been doing much better now that she knows how to deal with her self worth issues and misplaced guilt. Growing up in an abusive household is a bitch and can cause some seemingly unrelated effects. Maybe your fiancee has something similar that caused her extremely low self esteem.


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## Gingembre (May 18, 2010)

joswitch said:


> fatgirlflyin said:
> 
> 
> > This is NO different than a woman coming on here and talking about her husband not wanting her for gaining weight. When that happens the guy's an asshole and everyone is telling her to leave because he can't really care about her if he is treating her that way. But let someone come on here lamenting about weight loss and its a totally different story because its all about the fat around here. Nothing matters but teh fat...
> ...



Hmmm...true, she probably doesnt like the fact that she's gaining...but your comment, Joswitch, suggests that she could just stop gaining and lose the weight again to make everybody happy. And i think most of us here understand that it isn't that easy. So i think it kind of is the same - hypothetical woman is getting fat, which hypothetical man doesn't like and isn't as attracted to, but hypothetical woman finds it impossible to get back to where she was and keep everybody happy. Or, OP's lady is getting thin, which OP doesn't like and isn't as attracted to, but OP's lady finds it impossible to stay where she is and keep everybody happy. The same, but opposite.

I really didn't explain that as well as I wanted to...hopefully y'all get the gist of what I mean (basically i agree with fatgirlflyin)!

ETA - I'm outta rep for LoveBHMS - can someone get her for me please!


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## disconnectedsmile (May 18, 2010)

Gingembre said:


> ETA - I'm outta rep for LoveBHMS - can someone get her for me please!


not me....


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## Gingembre (May 18, 2010)

disconnectedsmile said:


> not me....



No worries, I'm sure someone else can. Or I'll just get her later.


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## Saoirse (May 18, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> i wonder if this board would be equally supportive of somebody leaving a partner who gained weight.



they'd just ask for gaining pics.


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## CastingPearls (May 18, 2010)

I got her for you.


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## mossystate (May 18, 2010)

Fat Brian said:


> Maybe your fiancee has something similar that caused her extremely low self esteem.




I wonder where all the comments are about _his issues_. Is it really all that wonderful for someone to try their best to mold someone into their dream person, no matter what the target feels about themselves, low self esteem or not? I am not talking about telling someone they are beautiful. I am not talking about true support. 

What does it say about a person who wants to know how to spring it on a woman that he wants her to gain, and to say things like " I tell her she looks _better_, fatter ", _even as he knows she does not want that_. Low self esteem is running deep in this relationship, sounds like from the little any of us know, and it is not to be dumped solely on the doorstep of the OP's fiancee. But, this is Dims, so the fat person gets analyzed, and the fa just loves fat, and no matter what is said or done to get that fat to stick around, it's all good. Plop.


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## joswitch (May 18, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> I just can't believe you've reduced somebody's relationship to what percentage of body weight they lose.
> 
> 20%--green light! Keep her.
> 50%--red light. She's toast.



Ugh. :doh: The numbers were just a "for instance."

You can read that as: 
change-that-is-NOT-utterly-transformative
vs
change-that-IS-utterly-transformative

numbers are not the issue per se.



> And seriously if this is all about attitude and body type, *why would it matter why somebody changed?* Are you saying it's *ok* to be thin if you lost weight from stress but not if you lost it from working out?



The *WHY* makes all the difference in the world - to how it FEELS.
I've already tried to illustrate that for you.

Your "ok" implies a moral judgement here. I'm not judging (in this thread).

I'm saying that there's a huge *difference in emotions for both parties *between:
FA dating an otherwise happy-with-herself BBW who happens to unintentionally lose a smallish amount of weight due to whatever.
vs
FA dating a fatphobic BBW who plans to lose a great deal of weight cos she HATES being fat.



> A man who hates fatties is reasonable if he ditches a woman who gains intentionally but not reasonable if he ditches a woman who gains because of age or illness or medication?



I'm not taking about reasonable or moral, I'm talking about what is the best course of action, most likely to lead to happiness for both people concerned.
You seem very keen to judge people bad (or not). I'm not that invested in telling people off for being who they are.



> You know in some cases...some cases, it's about the individuals involved.



Of course. I agree.



> A TA who is suddenly hot for an SSBBW may just have found a *particular woman* who turns him on. He may have become interested because they share an interest in classical music or she's a great mother or they met online and he fell for her intellect. Maybe he's not hot for fat but his interest in her BRAIN made him in turn lust after her. Have you ever heard the old saying that the strongest sex organ is between your ears?



Yes. And that's why the *feelings that motivate changes are so important. 
*


> And another thing, very few relationships are based on shared attitudes toward fat. And very few people's lives are consumed by either love or hatred of it. Even if somebody wants to lose weight it does NOT indicate some deep loathing of it, just a desire to be thin.



Most relationships have strong physical attraction as part of their basis.
Go back and read the OPs post. It's clear his fiancee loathes fatness and being fat.


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## Jon Blaze (May 18, 2010)

disconnectedsmile said:


> not me....









Why you gotta be a playa hata? lol


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## Fat Brian (May 18, 2010)

I mentioned something from my personal life which I thought might give him some perspective on her feelings. I'm not putting her down or analyzing her in any way, merely trying add another aspect to his situation. Sometimes deep seated body hatred and shame can be a symptom of another unresolved issue, sometimes not.


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## mossystate (May 18, 2010)

I agree. It is just unfortunate that his low self esteem is glossed over.


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## disconnectedsmile (May 18, 2010)

Jon Blaze said:


> Why you gotta be a playa hata? lol



ey yo whur u at?


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## LoveBHMS (May 18, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Most relationships have strong physical attraction as part of their basis.
> Go back and read the OPs post. It's clear his fiancee loathes fatness and being fat.



The fact that she hates being fat does not translate into it being a huge part of their relationship. Maybe it is maybe it isn't. Do we even know what part sex plays in their relationship? And before you say "physical attraction is a huge part of most relationships" i'm not saying that's not true but we dont' know about THEIR relationship. Being an FA doesn't actually consume most people to such a degree. This whole episode may be frustrating and sad, but we have no idea what other aspects there are to their partnership. There can be an infinite number of things that bind them together--children, shared history, they might be co-directors of a chapter of Habitat for Humanity or Doctors Without Borders, they may sing together in a choir or have a business together. Maybe sex is just a small part of it, and for all we know she gives fabulous blow jobs or she's the only woman he's ever been with who indulges in some other kink he hasn't mentioned.

The OP discussed fat here because it's Dimensions. That does not mean fat is the be all and end all of who they are as a couple.


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## joswitch (May 18, 2010)

Gingembre said:


> Hmmm...true, she probably doesnt like the fact that she's gaining...but your comment, Joswitch, suggests that she could just stop gaining and lose the weight again to make everybody happy.



Nope. You inferred that, but I didn't imply it. 

I'm NOT suggesting that the gf / fiancee change to fulfil her partners desires.



> And i think most of us here understand that it isn't that easy. So i think it kind of is the same - hypothetical woman is getting fat, which hypothetical man doesn't like and isn't as attracted to, but hypothetical woman finds it impossible to get back to where she was and keep everybody happy. Or, OP's lady is getting thin, which OP doesn't like and isn't as attracted to, but OP's lady finds it impossible to stay where she is and keep everybody happy. The same, but opposite.



Ah, but no!
("Impossible" is a touch of hyperbole in context  so, I'll swap it for "conflict" or similar

Example:

TA with a gf who is gaining and she herself doesn't like it.
She wants to / tries and fails - to lose - for herself.
He's supporting her all the way.
Neither are succeeding in getting what they want physically, but they are *united - feelings-wise.*
*They share the same desired goal.*
The conflict that arises is (generally, probably, possibly, maybe:doh external to the feelings of the two lovers. It may be to do with genetics/metabolism, PCOS, or... lots of possible things...

Whereas!

The conflict that arises in the situation with the FA OP and his fiancee in this thread is directly generated by the *clash between their feelings *about the whole thing. It's an internal/inherent conflict.
*They have opposing desires / goals.*

ohgodIneedtostoppostinginthisthreadanddodatabaseworkinstead

Ok, I'm done being wordy, nerdy and talking up an unpopular POV.... for this thread 

Roll on the lolcat .gifs


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## joswitch (May 18, 2010)

mossystate said:


> I wonder where all the comments are about _his issues_. * Is it really all that wonderful for someone to try their best to mold someone into their dream person, no matter what the target feels about themselves, low self esteem or not?* I am not talking about telling someone they are beautiful. I am not talking about true support.
> 
> What does it say about a person who wants to know how to spring it on a woman that he wants her to gain, and to say things like " I tell her she looks _better_, fatter ", _even as he knows she does not want that_. Low self esteem is running deep in this relationship, sounds like from the little any of us know, and it is not to be dumped solely on the doorstep of the OP's fiancee. But, this is Dims, so the fat person gets analyzed, and *the fa just loves fat, and no matter what is said or done to get that fat to stick around, it's all good.* Plop.



Ah, NO:
Manipulating others to become what you want, when they expressly - DO. NOT. WANT. is definitely bad. I agree with you! (OMG!)
That's partly why I said his leaving would be for BOTH their benefit.

Also:
I, at least, never said it was a great thing to be an FA by orientation, who by definition, has a narrow(er / ish) spectrum of sexual attraction. It's very much not great to be *this*. I'll be honest with you - it's fucking heartbreaking. Being FA-by-orientation cost me a LTR with an awesome girl who didn't want to be big anymore. And it shuts off any possibility of my being involved, in an open, honest way with any number of otherwise lovely thin girls who hit on me. 

So, as soon as you invent a magic wand to turn me bisizual, you be sure and let me know yeah? I'd really, really appreciate it. I bet the OP would too. Seriously. Ta.


Must. Stop. Posting. Now.


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## joswitch (May 18, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> The fact that she hates being fat does not translate into it being a huge part of their relationship. Maybe it is maybe it isn't. Do we even know what part sex plays in their relationship? And before you say "physical attraction is a huge part of most relationships" i'm not saying that's not true but we dont' know about THEIR relationship. Being an FA doesn't actually consume most people to such a degree. This whole episode may be frustrating and sad, but we have no idea what other aspects there are to their partnership. There can be an infinite number of things that bind them together--children, shared history, they might be co-directors of a chapter of Habitat for Humanity or Doctors Without Borders, they may sing together in a choir or have a business together. Maybe sex is just a small part of it, and for all we know she gives fabulous blow jobs or she's the only woman he's ever been with who indulges in some other kink he hasn't mentioned.
> 
> The OP discussed fat here because it's Dimensions. That does not mean fat is the be all and end all of who they are as a couple.



Point taken.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 18, 2010)

If I saw a partner of mine discussing leaving me, with a bunch of people on the net, all over what I weigh, he might end up being the one that got left.


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## MizzSnakeBite (May 18, 2010)

OK, so this is what I'm thinking...... 

OP, only you know your relationship with her, we don't. So take all suggestions and comments with that in the back of your mind.

1) You need to tell her again how much you like her body. There are some out there that are saying she might hate you because she equates fat with hate, you like fat, so she'll hate you. That's not necessarily the case. I'm guessing she thinks you're either being nice or she's quite confused with how a man could find a fat woman sexually stimulating. If she's not a part of a community like Dims or a SA community, she probably doesn't realize that there are actually men out there that really do find fat attractive. We've been programmed that men like thin, and it's not an easy thing to accept immediately.
2) Get couples counseling, AND individual counseling for the *both* of you. Both of you work on self-esteem separately, and work on your relationship together. BUT, please, please, please thoroughly check out the therapist's thoughts on weight. It would be terrible if they knocked her self-esteem even lower. I've had that happen to me by a fat-phobic doctor. No one knows what will come out of it, but hopefully both of you will gain self-esteem, and you'll know that you gave it your all.

Here's the fat-friendly health professionals list:
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/fat/ffp.html

Again, we don't know your relationship, but maybe with some help and time, you'll be able to save it.

I wish you two the best of luck.


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## Adrian (May 19, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> If I saw a partner of mine discussing leaving me, with a bunch of people on the net, all over what I weigh, he might end up being the one that got left.


I agree, the first person who should know my intentions to leave my partner, is my partner (when I was single). With my spouse, I am in for the long haul.


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## LoveBHMS (May 19, 2010)

Adrian said:


> I agree, the first person who should know my intentions to leave my partner, is my partner (when I was single). With my spouse, I am in for the long haul.



As well you should be.

For those of you who are so derisive of the "love conquors all" crowd, i really wonder under what circumstances you'd be ok with your life partner leaving you. There is a reason marriage vows "better or worse". I'm not saying it's always going to work, or that every partnership is healthy for the long haul, but to leave somebody over size? Or feelings about size?

I'd love it if all of you men who are pushing the OP to leave his fiancee would lay out situations where, if your wife left you, you'd just be like "Yeah, ok...I get it." We are talking about committment, love and respect. The idea that those values are so tenuous they could be ripped up by _weight loss_ is honestly upsetting to me.


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## TraciJo67 (May 19, 2010)

This isn't about the horrors of leaving a hapless spouse.

It's about the hapless spouse getting to have a say in what's going on behind the scenes -- i.e., if he's no longer sexually attracted to me, I want to know it. If he's not as attracted to me, I want to know that too. And I damn well bloody want to know about it before a collection of strangers on the internet do -- or worse, find out about it because he's got a collection of BBW porn just waiting for me to discover on the internet. And, coincidentally, he's not sleeping with me anymore.

I haven't given an opinion one way or the other -- this is the internet, not a marriage counselor's office. What I suggested was that the OP carefully examine his feelings, and also, clue his spouse in about how he's feeling. She deserves to know how he's feeling. She can do with that information what she wishes -- leave him, stay and work through things, whatever. But she should know that he's aggrieved enough by her desire to be thin that he's expressing his concerns here.


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## joswitch (May 19, 2010)

@LoveBHMs - ftr - (we weren't married, but) back in '07 I was in a LTR that I considered a "long haul" relationship, i.e. I loved her, she said she loved me... I'd never considered leaving her, and we'd been thro a LOT in our 3 years together, when out of the blue (for me) my gf left me.... Sure, I was gutted... It took a couple of long phone convos to get her reasons, but yeah, I totally understand why she left me... Ftr it was zero to do with the FA thing, and everything to do with her wanting "normal" in all other aspects of life. And yeah, I'm unusual in many ways... So I totally get why she left. 
And btw don't even think about telling me its not the same cos we weren't engaged or married... I have zero time for that bs... That girl was a huge part of my life and a bit of me will forever belong to her... And it sucked that it was over.. But I undertood and accept her whys & moved on, cos I am y'know - a grown up. Certainly she's happier now. And me, well I continue to live strangely... I'm never bored...


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