# I Am Struggling With Depression



## Scorsese86

I don't know where else to post this, but I am new to this page, like it a lot, nothing to do with that, but I have a major health problem. I am not overweight, and it has nothing to do with my love with BBW to do...

...I am a clinical depressive, and have been in therapy for two years. I just wondered if anyone else have struggeled with depression, know how to get out of it and such.

Sorry, if this ain't the right place to post this kind of thing.


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## Risible

This is the right forum to post in. You don't have to be any particular size, gender, ethnicity, orientation or faith to post your health problem here. Just remember, if you are having a serious health problem (and based on your description of "major", I'm guessing your's is serious) you need to see a professional for real help.

That said, there are several threads started by other Dims members on depression here in the Health forum. There is this thread; I don't know if this is something you suffer from. Here is another thread; this one may be more helpful to you.

I didn't scroll through all the pages contained in the Health forum, though I believe there may be other threads you'd be interested in.

And, again, please consider seeing a doctor for professional advice. Depression is a very serious condition.

Risible
Health forum moderator


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## Waxwing

Struggled with it my whole life, Scorsese. And I think that you'll find a lot of understanding people here to talk to. 

And Risible is right, of course, depression is a serious thing and something that you can't go through totally alone. Talk to someone who can help.


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## Scorsese86

Thanks.
Yeah, I see a shrink, and I am in a group, and I'm trying really to do something about it... I mean, things are looking better now than it did just a couple of months ago, but I've had good periods before, then fallen way down again.


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## Waxwing

Scorsese86 said:


> Thanks.
> Yeah, I see a shrink, and I am in a group, and I'm trying really to do something about it... I mean, things are looking better now than it did just a couple of months ago, but I've had good periods before, then fallen way down again.



And it will be like that for a while..maybe even forever.

But those better times do make up for it, in the long run.

I have a ring that has etched on it the translation of a Latin saying which is:

_One single bright day equals all the black ones_


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## Scorsese86

It seems you know what I'm talking about, and that's a shame.

But I hope the good periods will be more often, and I'm just sick and tired of being always sad, crying and feeling like the ugliest and most stupid person in the room, if I walk into a pub, a coffee shop or anything. I've sort of tried to push myself a little more, not to choose isolation and keeping away from crowds, and things are going better. My anixety level has shrunk quite a bit, but the depression is still hanging over me... a little too much. I'd just like to be a little more positive towards myself. My shrink says it's a good thing that I realize all that now at least, that's a form of beginning...

Gee... sorry for my bad English:doh:


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## Waxwing

Your English is just fine.

And it IS good that you are realizing and dealing with all of this now. It will improve, even if sometimes that seems impossible.


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## Scorsese86

Thanks a lot for the nice words. It means a lot. I've been a bit up-and-down now lately. It's fine to be up, but it sucks being down. My shrink and my therapy group has had a little summer holiday, but it has gone better than I expected... they gave me a number I could call if I needed it in the summer break, but I haven't used it.
Going back to therapy on Wednesday anyway, so... yeah.

And thanks for being so nice to my English


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## Risible

Actually, your English is very good. I wish our education emphasized a foreign language more here in America. Most people I know who were born and educated here in the U.S. don't know a second language.


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## Scorsese86

Risible said:


> Actually, your English is very good. I wish our education emphasized a foreign language more here in America. Most people I know who were born and educated here in the U.S. don't know a second language.



Thanks. I guess I'm not the worst in English, but it's different when you talk (erm, write) with people that has English as their original language. I feel.


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## Scorsese86

Thanks for those replies... I feel really low today, my mood couldn't be worse. I don't know why the heck I'm writing this... I just feel so sad... oh, good to know about those nice replies, and also pm's that people has sent since I posted this the first time.


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## steely

I'm sorry you're feeling low today.Some days are better than others.Just wanted to let you know I'm listening.


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## southernfa

In as much as I have any right to comment on such things I have found the following to be useful;
1. If you need help, don't hesitate to ask for it. If you need to take medication, do so.
2. No matter how black the darkness gets, it simply is not true. You are not it and it is not you.
3. There is always hope.
4. There are some simple practical steps you can take that may help. I have found the following to be useful;
- Keep good company. In the people you associate with, the books you read, the music you listen to, the thoughts you entertain, the places you go; choose the ones that make you feel lighter and happier. Be polite but ruthless about this. Choose to not associate with negative influences.
- Exercise. It gives you a natural high (endorphins?) that lasts and also helps stabilise sleep patterns which is also useful in itself.
- Do some charity work. It is really useful to go help other people for a bit; gets you out of your own head for a while.
- Don't spend prolonged periods on your own.

Since you live in the far north, make sure you get enough sunlight, or eat lots of fish or take Vitamin D supplements or something.

"There isn't enough darkness in the whole world to extinguish the light of one, small candle" - Spanish proverb

Good luck


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## Scorsese86

Southernfa, all your suggestions are very good, and thanks for posting. You too, steeley.

I feel much better today. Had a long talk with my mother on the phone last night, and got some of the sadness out of me there, plus a good night sleep. I feel completely different today.


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## alison.victoria

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.  It's good to know that you have someone you can talk to that can help you feel better. Me, I just sit and mire in it because I don't really have anyone to talk to, and I wouldn't even know what to say anyways...


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## steely

alison.victoria said:


> I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.  It's good to know that you have someone you can talk to that can help you feel better. Me, I just sit and mire in it because I don't really have anyone to talk to, and I wouldn't even know what to say anyways...



You sound just like meI'd rather not even bother to try to explain it,even if I could.

Glad things are a little bettter Scorsese86.


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## LalaCity

I have shied away from this thread because it hits too close to home for me. Sounds like you and I are in the same boat. It's difficult to speak about this on a public forum, but you are always welcome to PM me.


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## Shosh

southernfa said:


> In as much as I have any right to comment on such things I have found the following to be useful;
> 1. If you need help, don't hesitate to ask for it. If you need to take medication, do so.
> 2. No matter how black the darkness gets, it simply is not true. You are not it and it is not you.
> 3. There is always hope.
> 4. There are some simple practical steps you can take that may help. I have found the following to be useful;
> - Keep good company. In the people you associate with, the books you read, the music you listen to, the thoughts you entertain, the places you go; choose the ones that make you feel lighter and happier. Be polite but ruthless about this. Choose to not associate with negative influences.
> - Exercise. It gives you a natural high (endorphins?) that lasts and also helps stabilise sleep patterns which is also useful in itself.
> - Do some charity work. It is really useful to go help other people for a bit; gets you out of your own head for a while.
> - Don't spend prolonged periods on your own.
> 
> Since you live in the far north, make sure you get enough sunlight, or eat lots of fish or take Vitamin D supplements or something.
> 
> "There isn't enough darkness in the whole world to extinguish the light of one, small candle" - Spanish proverb
> 
> Good luck



That is really good and sound advice.


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## Scorsese86

Also, a thing I am trying my best not to do is drink when I feel down. It's so easy to take a bottle of Jack Daniel's and drink, drink, drink when I feel down. I've been trying lately to rather talk, go for a walk, anything but drink alcohol when I'm so down as I can be. I mean, it's so easy, I know, for lot of depressed people to take alcohol and expect to feel better, but that's just for a short period of time. I feel worse afterwards, guilty 'cause I drank, so stupid for drinking alone etc. etc. For anyone who thinks that the answer to depression is in the bottom of a bottle, it isn't. Believe me, I've tried.

Also, the "Don't spend prolonged periods on your own" is perhaps my next big thing to do something about...


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## lily352

It is a good idea to stay away from alcohol when you are depressed. My friends never understand why I don't want to have drinks when I'm feeling down. But I've learned that the day after drinking will leave me feeling even lower. 
Talking really is a great thing. I've only recently started participating here, but it's helps knowing there are people who understand and have been there. It's also nice to distract myself from my depression. I've gone through bad periods of depression before, and I know that things will turn around. It's best to stay as active as possible. That is not easy, but I try to take as many small steps as I can.


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## southernfa

Scorsese86 said:


> Also, a thing I am trying my best not to do is drink when I feel down. It's so easy to take a bottle of Jack Daniel's and drink, drink, drink when I feel down. I've been trying lately to rather talk, go for a walk, anything but drink alcohol when I'm so down as I can be. I mean, it's so easy, I know, for lot of depressed people to take alcohol and expect to feel better, but that's just for a short period of time. I feel worse afterwards, guilty 'cause I drank, so stupid for drinking alone etc. etc. For anyone who thinks that the answer to depression is in the bottom of a bottle, it isn't. Believe me, I've tried.
> 
> Also, the "Don't spend prolonged periods on your own" is perhaps my next big thing to do something about...



Well seen. Good for you. Alcohol and other "social" drugs definitely fall into the bad company category particularly because of their apparent attractiveness.

Here is a challenge for you; give that which you think you most lack.

Good luck


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## Mishty

I really hope you're feeling better than when you posted this!
Sometimes I take comfort in knowing I'm not the _only_ one that suffers from depression. 

I've noticed no one has mentioned medications and I'm glad!
Talking, and being around people helps far more than any pill(and I've tried them all), but on those dark days..... I know the feeling, when nothing or no one can drag you back to "happiness"...

SouthernFA has some really great points there too, being alone for a great length of time seems to make depressive types "burrow" deeper inside themselves. From time to time, just contact on Dims or an IM means the start of a good day or a bad one. Friends are friends, no matter how far apart you are 

Welcome to Dimensions!!


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## imfree

From 1974-to-1983 I was a severe drinker, drinking
myself to loss of consciousness dozens of times
between 1974 and 1976. I had been medicated for
depression for most of my 14 year marriage. I've
worked through my issues and finally have peace.
I am very aware that I have an obsessive/compulsive/
addictive personality and I guard my thoughts. Imfree
is more than a cute screen name, it's a life goal.


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## Tina

Depression stinks. Clinical depression runs in my family, and I also have a couple of conditions (fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue) that can cause depression just on their own. So yes, I struggle with it. Throw into the mix that life is always sending challenges and difficulties our way (and usually more than one at a time) and it can be rough. You're not alone.


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## southernfa

Missblueyedeath said:


> ...being alone for a great length of time seems to make depressive types "burrow" deeper inside themselves. From time to time, just contact on Dims or an IM means the start of a good day or a bad one. Friends are friends, no matter how far apart you are



We are a societal species. Someone told me once that we need six meaningful conversations a day. Grunting at the bus-driver or your neighbour doesn't count  and verbal conversations work better than written ones (one of the downsides of the virtual world).


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## BubbleButtBabe

I am a burrower,have been for years. Have very little use for human interaction. More or less a loner. I do spend time with my children and g'daughter but as to going out to be in a crowd,no thanks.

All of that started years ago before I was diagnosed with depression. I have never been one that like being in a very large group of people. Some times posting on these boards bother me. A lot of it has to do with the way I was treated as a child. I was treated badly by a lot of racists people and told how worthless I was by them. Plus being naturally shy didn't help either. I am one of those people that can go to a party and sit all night without talking to anyone. 

I have tried breaking this habit. I now purposely talk to strangers in the store so I wont be so closed off.


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## southernfa

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am a burrower,have been for years. Have very little use for human interaction. More or less a loner. I do spend time with my children and g'daughter but as to going out to be in a crowd,no thanks.
> 
> All of that started years ago before I was diagnosed with depression. I have never been one that like being in a very large group of people. Some times posting on these boards bother me. A lot of it has to do with the way I was treated as a child. I was treated badly by a lot of racists people and told how worthless I was by them. Plus being naturally shy didn't help either. I am one of those people that can go to a party and sit all night without talking to anyone.
> 
> I have tried breaking this habit. I now purposely talk to strangers in the store so I wont be so closed off.



Not everyone needs a lot of interaction. And an awful lot of communication is complete and utter drivel as anyone who has watched their teenage daughter texting on a cellphone can attest. Actually that reminds me of the time when I picked my daughter and her boyfriend up from a party. Things seemed a bit quiet but I could hear the tap-tappity-tap in the back seat. Turned out they had been having an argument by text while they sat next to each other 

One of the things I have come to accept/believe is that the truth of what you really are is no less than the truth of what anyone else is. We tend to cover this up with doubts and other useless stuff. If we can reduce all that destructive thought, then meeting the world gets a lot more productive and enjoyable.

But I think you also get to choose where and when. We went to my son's flat-warming party last weekend and lasted exactly 43 minutes. Music so loud it was making my pants vibrate, and a bunch of twenty-somethings trying to get as drunk as possible as quick as possible; not my idea of a good time.


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## Lovelyone

Thanks for sharing your problem with us. I struggle with depression too. I used to be embarassed to say that to anyone because of the stigma that is attached to the word "depression". 
I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it was finding something I have a passion for that is leading me to a better place. I always try to use my hands on a project (scrapbooking, painting) it gets me involved, keeps my brain busy, and stops me from thinking about the things that make me feel sad. 
For me--my depression stems from not having much optimism about my future--so I try to do things that will give me a feeling of accomplishment. I find that keeping my mind, body and spirit moving...even reading, or taking a walk to the park for a break from it all usually leaves me feeling more refreshed and a bit more capable of dealing with the depressing thoughts that permeate my mind.
I suggest that you thrown away the jack daniels because alcohol only masks the problems and numbs you to it for a little while. When you wake up the next morning those issues are still there..only now you have a hangover to add to it. 
I hope that you are feeling better.


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## Scorsese86

Thank you all!
For everyone who has written about their own depression, the suggestions to me and to others, thank you. I am actually... and I feel weird writing this... moved, by all the response.

Last night was pretty bad for me... and I did a very stupid thing: I drank. Half a bottle whiskey, and fell asleep. It's not my proudest moment... and I was so looking forward to John McCain's speech and everything last night... and missed it because I had been drinking and fell asleep. I feel really bad about it, and I hope you don't mind me writing it here.


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## lily352

Try to not beat yourself up too much about drinking. Everyone makes mistakes. There's no reason to feel badly about writing it here! Just try to learn from it and move on. It's a new day, so try to focus on doing things differently today. 
I realize this is easier said than done, but keep in mind that things will get better. Hang in there. Remember that many of us here know what you are going through, and we're here to listen. Hopefully today is going better for you.


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## Beckoo

I am dealing with the same thing. I just wanted to tell you I admire your bravery for talking about this. I wish when I was younger I dealt with it and maybe I wouldn't still be struggling today. And also for doing it in the open. Just bringing it up will comfort others in knowing they are not alone. Don't give up and quit whatever regiment you are on. Not trying to tell you what to do just relaying my regrets. That's why I made so many mistakes. Quitting over and over again. Now I am 35 and still in the same place. I am still hanging on. Things are just harder for some of us but not impossible. I wish you much strength and encouragement. You are being thought about


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## GenericGeek

Add me to the list of chronic depressives. This year has been _particularly_ bad for me; I'm wrestling with my 3rd major down episode in a year.

After 12 years, Wellbutrin has pretty much stopped working for me. I'm in the queue to see a psychiatrist (my PGP pretty much begged me to see a specialist in psychotropic meds), but the waiting list for new patients is long. So I have to hang on till mid-October.

I don't know why I -- or anyone else -- was "blessed" with this condition, because living with it *stinks*. But maybe it's just a side effect of a _real_ gift. Call it an excess of empathy, in a world that has *far* too little of it. Then perhaps we are the "canaries in a coal mine" of modern dysfunctional society. 

By now, you see that you are not alone. It helps me to think of myself as having a serious, chronic medical condition, and one that's now recognized as such. (Although ignorance, superstition, & prejudice regarding it still abound!) It's sort of a "hidden disability", which makes it all the harder for others to understand and accept. But it is very, very real, nonetheless.

Try and be as gentle with yourself as you can. Like I said, you're not alone...


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## Adamantoise

I have also been poisoned with depression,and although it is nowhere near as bad as it was say,several years ago,nevertheless it is still with me.The thing that scared me the most was the future-what was I going to do after secondary school finished,finding jobs etc...to me,having my family around me was one of the things that has pulled me through,and continues to do so to this day.Fortunately,I don't have any addictions that can trigger depressive episodes,so I thank god that it isn't that bad.Sorry if this all sounds a little scattered! 

Also,I give thanks to the composers of great classical music-one of the things that had helped me!


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## Jazz Man

I was about your age when I dealt with a pretty heavy load of depression myself and if you think about it, it makes sense. You're still relatively new to being an adult and it seems like you're at a crossroads where you can more or less make or break your life. At least, that's what it seemed like to me at that age and it was very overwhelming. What helped me the most was probably a 15-20 minute conversation with someone who more or less convinced me that this wasn't necessarily the case. I was concerned that I wouldn't pick up enough skills in college to get by in the real world but this person assured me that it was basically a right of passage and the most important thing you learn is how to learn. Once I realized that my fear of the future wasn't completely warranted, I felt a lot better.

Recently, I ran into some problems that I am struggling to deal with now but I look back and think that if I got through that, I should be able to get through this too. So you just need to focus on getting a positive trend going that will eventually solve the dilemma that you've got going on. I admit it still gets me down at times but if I can look forward and see the potential for recovery, that keeps me going.

Hang in there. This thing can be overcome.


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## BubbleButtBabe

GenericGeek said:


> I don't know why I -- or anyone else -- was "blessed" with this condition, because living with it *stinks*. But maybe it's just a side effect of a _real_ gift. Call it an excess of empathy, in a world that has *far* too little of it. Then perhaps we are the "canaries in a coal mine" of modern dysfunctional society.



I have often wondered the same thing as well. Most of the people I know that deal with depression on a regular basis seem to be more sensitive then other. I know I am. I am the first to cry at a sad movie, I cry my eyes out when I lose a pet like it is the end of the world,when some one else is in pain then I am to. I do not like listening to the evening news because I can not stand hearing about others in so much pain or the hurt that is happening in this world.


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## imfree

GenericGeek said:


> ................snipped......................
> 
> I don't know why I -- or anyone else -- was "blessed" with this condition, because living with it *stinks*. But maybe it's just a side effect of a _real_ gift. Call it an excess of empathy, in a world that has *far* too little of it. Then perhaps we are the "canaries in a coal mine" of modern dysfunctional society. ......................snipped.....................



I think you're onto something profound. I have felt physical
pain and become ill over the hurt of others. Most people
just don't understand.


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## Butterbelly

Having read people's posts and responses to this thread, I've decided to share my own story.

This year has been one of the worst of my life. I had a major falling out with a family member back in February, and two weeks later was diagnosed with double pneumonia. I was sicker than a dog but still tried to make it into work, until my doctor threatened to hospitalize me. After my recovery, I came back to work only to find out I had no job. In the mean time, the love of my life is in Iraq until April. During this time that I'm jobless and living with a friend, my car starts acting up and I end up spending almost my entire savings fixing the damn thing, since it was not covered under my "Powertrain" Warranty.

Finally, in April my sweetie came home and in May we were married. Now I'm sure most of you are thinking this should be the most wonderful year of my life since I got married, but it's been very much the opposite. 

My husband and I finally got moved to our new duty station in June, but while on the way from North Carolina to California I was involved in an accident and the whole rear-end of my car was mangled. Thus, started the rollercoaster of my car issues. It is now the end of September and my car is still not 100% fixed. The only good thing out of this was that I was not at fault for the accident, so my insurance didn't go up. 

We finally moved into an apartment the middle of July and in the two months we've lived here, my husband has been home three weeks of it. His company keeps sending him on business trips. Each time he's had to go on a business trip something major has happened with my health. I had a blood clot in my leg and had a hell of a time getting to the hospital without help. 

I have applied to numerous positions and sent out 33 resumes and not one interview. I'm at my wits end when it comes to finding a job. So I spend my days baking cookies, doing cross-stitch, and playing WoW. How exciting eh? I'm not used to sitting at home, and it's driving me mad. 

I told my husband that I just can't take anymore stress and that I've started becoming depressed, but I'm not sure he quite understands since he's not home to completely understand. 

I've talked to my doctor about it and she wants to put me on antidepressants, but I seriously don't want to take them.


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## No-No-Badkitty

Butterbelly said:


> I've talked to my doctor about it and she wants to put me on antidepressants, but I seriously don't want to take them.





When I was younger and having a problem with depression the doctors put me on antidepressants and it was not a pretty sight. Apparently I react pretty badly too them. So then what? Cause all they wanted was to "medicate" it. Not help me deal with it. I had to figure out how to deal with my problem. Now, granted this is not going to work for everyone...but it did work for me.
I started going to a psycologist. Not a psychiatrist (all they wanted to do was give me a pill). I talked. I talked about what bothered me, what made me sad, what made me happy etc. Then I found a hobby/buisness and began focusing on making that work. I failed many times over but I would just redirect things again, talk about my failures, successes, etc.
Basically what I am saying is that you need to find someone to talk too. Not necessarily someone who will give you advice either, but someone you can be open with. I always suggest a stranger, a professional, never a friend or relative. Because you need to be able to vent, cry, scream and cuss...most states have free mental health care available. I was a broke college student and used the campus therapist.
You are still going to have bad days. You are still going to have failures......but you will start to heal.
Looking back I think of my depression as a kind of infection. I had to get the infection out of the wound so it would heal.


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## Butterbelly

No-No-Badkitty said:


> When I was younger and having a problem with depression the doctors put me on antidepressants and it was not a pretty sight. Apparently I react pretty badly too them. So then what? Cause all they wanted was to "medicate" it. Not help me deal with it. I had to figure out how to deal with my problem. Now, granted this is not going to work for everyone...but it did work for me.
> I started going to a psycologist. Not a psychiatrist (all they wanted to do was give me a pill). I talked. I talked about what bothered me, what made me sad, what made me happy etc. Then I found a hobby/buisness and began focusing on making that work. I failed many times over but I would just redirect things again, talk about my failures, successes, etc.
> Basically what I am saying is that you need to find someone to talk too. Not necessarily someone who will give you advice either, but someone you can be open with. I always suggest a stranger, a professional, never a friend or relative. Because you need to be able to vent, cry, scream and cuss...most states have free mental health care available. I was a broke college student and used the campus therapist.
> You are still going to have bad days. You are still going to have failures......but you will start to heal.
> Looking back I think of my depression as a kind of infection. I had to get the infection out of the wound so it would heal.



This is exactly why I do not want to be on antidepressants. Having been on them before, when I was much younger, they had a negative impact on my affect instead of a positive one. I have always told my doctors that I never want to be prescribed one, because the issues that I'm facing are ones that I can deal with by simply having some positive reinforcement in my life. If I find something to positively effect my affect, such as a hobby, going out with friends, simply talking and letting my issues out, then I can deal with the issues at hand better than being medicated. 

While antidepressants work for some, they don't work for all. What I desperately need to do is find a way out of my apartment, besides doing laundry or grocery shopping. That means, I need to find a job or volunteer work that will get me interacting with people more, since I'm very much a people person.

I'm trying to make best of my situation with my husband gone, new state, new place, new people...but I have to admit, I really dislike where we are, and so far I have yet to come across a friendly person...damn California


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## Butterbelly

missaf said:


> Hey, don't forget you moved to a town with a Dimmer already in it! I'm not much for going out right now, but I bet I can sneak out sometime and we can go have lunch and I can help show you where friendly people are




You know I'd love that. I'm surprised that it's been so hard for me to adjust to moving here. I'm hoping that things will change soon


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## Butterbelly

missaf said:


> Of course, that's what Dimmers are for, and heaps better than drugs



Ain't that the truth! :happy:


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## pagan22

*raises hand* Me too. 

It comes and goes. Usually when it comes I can will it away again.


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## mediaboy

Depression and anxiety are constantly with me, usually one or the other.

When it gets really bad I usually have some donuts and coffee(my guiltiest of guilty pleasures) and go for a bike ride.

Some times I will ride from Central Orange county to Redondo Beach before I am over it.

There were nights when riding my bike was more important that sleep, running the razors edge between crying and collapsing into a fetal position convulsing from panic.

I would get off work at midnight, wave good-bye to my coworkers, put a sweater on and ride North up Pacific Coast Highway in the rarest kind of silence until I reached Long Beach Boulevard and then turn east towards Los Angeles. 
I would ride through Compton, Watts, Inglewood, and Industry on my way to down town LA or Hollywood all the while hoping some one would accost me and shoot me for my bike or my messenger bag and put me out of my misery but no one ever did. 
I would eventually find my way to the sunset strip and stop at Mel's for breakfast. My favorite was turkey dinner with all the traditional sides or two slices of chocolate cake and a bottle of Budweiser(stay gold Pony Boy, stay gold). Some times I would wind up in Korea town and slop on spicy kimchea and fried fish at 5 am with grave yard workers and Korean families on their way to church(if it was Sunday morning).
After eating I would make the ride to the metro train station in Down Town shivering, teeth clattering, fingers blue and numb. The wind was always evisceratingly cold as it melancholily raged down a deserted Flower Ave.
Ducking into the platform entrance, proud and triumphant; looking forward to the harrowing beauty of a Los Angele's sun rise and the prospect of feeling the ends of my fingers again. 
The blue line runs from the metropolitan heart of Los Angeles, beating cold grey concrete under the drums of tourists' feet. South, south, south, through Compton, through Watts(those towers belong to every one), through poverty and beauty. Over freeways filled with lost angels on their way to work; smoking cigarettes with their radios on, compacts open, trapped in the traffic between twilight and tomorrow, painting their faces and shaving their beards between slithering sips of boiling coffee. Past the freeways, over neighborhoods that smell like bacon and sausage and coffee and children and the elderly waiting for buses on corners with benches, their breath vaporial vitae in the first rays of the sun. Down into the still sleeping heart of Long Beach.
This town stays up late and sleeps in, her streets deserted save for a few phantasmal meter maids; ticketing cars with drunks asleep in the back seat(cheaper than cab fair).
Those morning rides were a baptism, a victory, a triumph.
Out of the train into the cold, down Broadway; the city unraveling as I go, letting her hair down. Ancient office buildings give way to apartments and parks. 
Past Cherry Street, Maple, Pine, and Sycamore. Onto Ocean, through Bellmont Shores. 
The people here wake up early, five coffee shops in three blocks cast a hazelnut hew in the fresh morning air. Picking up speed as the world comes a live. The sun on my face, a second wind; happiness like honesty, like God's love. My head and my heart scream in silence of dopamine and endorphins: a natural high. 
With the sun rising in the East , the Pacific Ocean and the final tears of night to the west; I head North forever. The Earth alive and new and Christ I'm just so grateful for it, for all this beauty, for every breath, for every mile I have left to go. 
I can't help racing the other early morning cyclists, smiling as I pass as if to let them know I am dancing to music they cannot hear, a tango of early morning, a sun salutation played by feet and cars and bicycles on sidewalks with gum stains like morning stars and freeways as black as early morning coffee, challenging them to follow; into beauty, into life. 

I ride and ride and ride and ride until my lungs burst and I pass them all and my road ends because I am home and the door opens with the twist of my key and its so quiet and calm I realize I haven't spoken to any one or anything in over five hours and I'm happy and tired. 
I put my bike to bed, stunned and amazed that such a simple and noble invention is capable of such wondrous things. It may as well have taken me to the moon and back.
My bed calls, and I strip off my sweat soaked clothes and crawl in like a child. My heart and my soul alive with beauty and joy; I am a child. I fall asleep smiling and warm, my last thought amazement that all of this is made of stars.


----------



## Surlysomething

mediaboy said:


> Depression and anxiety are constantly with me, usually one or the other.
> 
> When it gets really bad I usually have some donuts and coffee(my guiltiest of guilty pleasures) and go for a bike ride.
> 
> Some times I will ride from Central Orange county to Redondo Beach before I am over it.
> 
> There were nights when riding my bike was more important that sleep, running the razors edge between crying and collapsing into a fetal position convulsing from panic.
> 
> I would get off work at midnight, wave good-bye to my coworkers, put a sweater on and ride North up Pacific Coast Highway in the rarest kind of silence until I reached Long Beach Boulevard and then turn east towards Los Angeles.
> I would ride through Compton, Watts, Inglewood, and Industry on my way to down town LA or Hollywood all the while hoping some one would accost me and shoot me for my bike or my messenger bag and put me out of my misery but no one ever did.
> I would eventually find my way to the sunset strip and stop at Mel's for breakfast. My favorite was turkey dinner with all the traditional sides or two slices of chocolate cake and a bottle of Budweiser(stay gold Pony Boy, stay gold). Some times I would wind up in Korea town and slop on spicy kimchea and fried fish at 5 am with grave yard workers and Korean families on their way to church(if it was Sunday morning).
> After eating I would make the ride to the metro train station in Down Town shivering, teeth clattering, fingers blue and numb. The wind was always evisceratingly cold as it melancholily raged down a deserted Flower Ave.
> Ducking into the platform entrance, proud and triumphant; looking forward to the harrowing beauty of a Los Angele's sun rise and the prospect of feeling the ends of my fingers again.
> The blue line runs from the metropolitan heart of Los Angeles, beating cold grey concrete under the drums of tourists' feet. South, south, south, through Compton, through Watts(those towers belong to every one), through poverty and beauty. Over freeways filled with lost angels on their way to work; smoking cigarettes with their radios on, compacts open, trapped in the traffic between twilight and tomorrow, painting their faces and shaving their beards between slithering sips of boiling coffee. Past the freeways, over neighborhoods that smell like bacon and sausage and coffee and children and the elderly waiting for buses on corners with benches, their breath vaporial vitae in the first rays of the sun. Down into the still sleeping heart of Long Beach.
> This town stays up late and sleeps in, her streets deserted save for a few phantasmal meter maids; ticketing cars with drunks asleep in the back seat(cheaper than cab fair).
> Those morning rides were a baptism, a victory, a triumph.
> Out of the train into the cold, down Broadway; the city unraveling as I go, letting her hair down. Ancient office buildings give way to apartments and parks.
> Past Cherry Street, Maple, Pine, and Sycamore. Onto Ocean, through Bellmont Shores.
> The people here wake up early, five coffee shops in three blocks cast a hazelnut hew in the fresh morning air. Picking up speed as the world comes a live. The sun on my face, a second wind; happiness like honesty, like God's love. My head and my heart scream in silence of dopamine and endorphins: a natural high.
> With the sun rising in the East , the Pacific Ocean and the final tears of night to the west; I head North forever. The Earth alive and new and Christ I'm just so grateful for it, for all this beauty, for every breath, for every mile I have left to go.
> I can't help racing the other early morning cyclists, smiling as I pass as if to let them know I am dancing to music they cannot hear, a tango of early morning, a sun salutation played by feet and cars and bicycles on sidewalks with gum stains like morning stars and freeways as black as early morning coffee, challenging them to follow; into beauty, into life.
> 
> I ride and ride and ride and ride until my lungs burst and I pass them all and my road ends because I am home and the door opens with the twist of my key and its so quiet and calm I realize I haven't spoken to any one or anything in over five hours and I'm happy and tired.
> I put my bike to bed, stunned and amazed that such a simple and noble invention is capable of such wondrous things. It may as well have taken me to the moon and back.
> My bed calls, and I strip off my sweat soaked clothes and crawl in like a child. My heart and my soul alive with beauty and joy; I am a child. I fall asleep smiling and warm, my last thought amazement that all of this is made of stars.


 


This is an amazing, beautiful piece of writing. 

I too struggle with the "black dog"...


----------



## Risible

Yeah, it is stunning, like this little flower sprouting here on Dims. :bow:

I used to go on early morning walks. I'd get up at 3:45 during the week, ready myself for work, then be out the door by 5 with the dog for a walk. It always left a smile on my face, enjoying the silent, deserted streets of my neighborhood with but the wild animals (and my dog) as company.


----------



## Surlysomething

black dog, circling...scratching at the door..


----------



## mediaboy

Surlysomething said:


> black dog, circling...scratching at the door..



You can never put him down but you can always send him running.

Here are a few things(besides bicycles) that cheer me up


Pandora.com
Vodka
Pornography
Post Secret
Carl Sagan's Cosmos series 1 2 3


----------



## Surlysomething

mediaboy said:


> You can never put him down but you can always send him running.
> 
> Here are a few things(besides bicycles) that cheer me up
> 
> Pandora.com
> Vodka
> Pornography
> Post Secret
> Carl Sagan's Cosmos series 1 2 3


 
Thanks. I'm struggling quite a bit right now.


----------



## mediaboy

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks. I'm struggling quite a bit right now.



Let me tackle you.


----------



## Surlysomething

mediaboy said:


> Let me tackle you.


 

Be gentle.


----------



## mediaboy

I can't fly, you can't fly, let's all fly.


----------



## Surlysomething




----------



## Scorsese86

Hi, everyone.

I've been away from the forums for a while... been a little "too much" lately, and my depression was at its worst... but I am feeling better now... just wanted to be an arrogant bastard and announce it to the world


----------



## No-No-Badkitty

Scorsese86 said:


> Hi, everyone.
> 
> I've been away from the forums for a while... been a little "too much" lately, and my depression was at its worst... but I am feeling better now... just wanted to be an arrogant bastard and announce it to the world




Good for you! Be arrogant and be proud


----------



## Filly

Scorsese86 said:


> Hi, everyone.
> 
> I've been away from the forums for a while... been a little "too much" lately, and my depression was at its worst... but I am feeling better now... just wanted to be an arrogant bastard and announce it to the world




I'm glad you're back  :kiss2:


----------



## lily352

I think I've responded to this thread in the past, saying positive things about not being as depressed as I used to be. I feel like it all came back and slapped me in the face today. I'm extremely depressed and not sure how to climb out of it. I'm feeling really alone and just sad. Anyway, thanks for letting me get that out.


----------



## Lovelyone

lily352 said:


> I think I've responded to this thread in the past, saying positive things about not being as depressed as I used to be. I feel like it all came back and slapped me in the face today. I'm extremely depressed and not sure how to climb out of it. I'm feeling really alone and just sad. Anyway, thanks for letting me get that out.


 
Lily, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering again. Here's hoping that something wonderful and fantastic happens that will help lift you out of your blue mood. I've been there, and sometimes just a kind word can help.


----------



## imfree

lily352 said:


> I think I've responded to this thread in the past, saying positive things about not being as depressed as I used to be. I feel like it all came back and slapped me in the face today. I'm extremely depressed and not sure how to climb out of it. I'm feeling really alone and just sad. Anyway, thanks for letting me get that out.



I'm with you, lily, Mom and are both going through a 
bout as I type. She's trying to bankrupt herself and
I'm too damned disabled to move out of this hellhole
if she succeeds and gets foreclosed. Woopdefkndoo!!!


----------



## moore2me

Butterbelly said:


> Having read people's posts and responses to this thread, I've decided to share my own story.
> 
> I have applied to numerous positions and sent out 33 resumes and not one interview. I'm at my wits end when it comes to finding a job. So I spend my days baking cookies, doing cross-stitch, and playing WoW. How exciting eh? I'm not used to sitting at home, and it's driving me mad.
> 
> I told my husband that I just can't take anymore stress and that I've started becoming depressed, but I'm not sure he quite understands since he's not home to completely understand.
> 
> I've talked to my doctor about it and she wants to put me on antidepressants, but I seriously don't want to take them.
> 
> If I find something to positively effect my affect, such as a hobby, going out with friends, simply talking and letting my issues out, then I can deal with the issues at hand better than being medicated.
> 
> While antidepressants work for some, they don't work for all. What I desperately need to do is find a way out of my apartment, besides doing laundry or grocery shopping. That means, I need to find a job or volunteer work that will get me interacting with people more, since I'm very much a people person.
> 
> I'm trying to make best of my situation with my husband gone, new state, new place, new people...but I have to admit, I really dislike where we are, and so far I have yet to come across a friendly person...damn California




Butterbelly, 

I am sorry to hear about the rough time you are having with your health, your car, and adjusting to the change in location. You mentioned that you would like to have work to keep you busy & it would make you feel better. How about using what you like to do and merge it with what you mentioned are weaknesses in your community?

*Moore's comments:
I remember Welcome Wagons from my earlier years where a nice lady would visit homes of new comers and bring them little gifts and coupons and make the new comers feel welcome to the community. Why don't you try to start a little service such as that? You could include some homebaked cookies, and coupons from local businesses, info on churches, meetings, stuff for kids, etc. and eventually get local businesses to sponsor you. You could try for a small business loan or a grant to get you started (especially for minority or women's businesses). Many community colleges will help you with grant writing and small business creation at no cost.

You could offer your service to businesses for the new employees or transfers (like you & hubby were) or to military bases (or to new citizens).*



mediaboy said:


> Depression and anxiety are constantly with me, usually one or the other.
> 
> When it gets really bad I usually have some donuts and coffee(my guiltiest of guilty pleasures) and go for a bike ride.
> 
> Some times I will ride from Central Orange county to Redondo Beach before I am over it.
> 
> There were nights when riding my bike was more important that sleep, running the razors edge between crying and collapsing into a fetal position convulsing from panic.
> 
> I would get off work at midnight, wave good-bye to my coworkers, put a sweater on and ride North up Pacific Coast Highway in the rarest kind of silence until I reached Long Beach Boulevard and then turn east towards Los Angeles.
> 
> I would ride through Compton, Watts, Inglewood, and Industry on my way to down town LA or Hollywood all the while hoping some one would accost me and shoot me for my bike or my messenger bag and put me out of my misery but no one ever did.
> 
> *Riding a bike at midnight up and down the Pacific Coast Highway does sound poetic and scenic, but for most of the women here I would like to add would be way to dangerous to even consider being a reasonable form of recreation. Not only is riding a bike alone at night an invitation to be mugged, but it is also a good way to get hurt in a late night car/bike crash in the dark. *
> 
> *Secondly, riding a bike at night thru the neighborhoods like Watts, etc. are equally dangerous for a woman. Not a good idea.*
> 
> 
> This town stays up late and sleeps in, her streets deserted save for a few phantasmal meter maids; ticketing cars with drunks asleep in the back seat(cheaper than cab fair).
> 
> Those morning rides were a baptism, a victory, a triumph.
> Out of the train into the cold, down Broadway; the city unraveling as I go, letting her hair down. Ancient office buildings give way to apartments and parks.
> Past Cherry Street, Maple, Pine, and Sycamore. Onto Ocean, through Bellmont Shores.
> The people here wake up early, five coffee shops in three blocks cast a hazelnut hew in the fresh morning air. Picking up speed as the world comes a live. The sun on my face, a second wind; happiness like honesty, like God's love. My head and my heart scream in silence of dopamine and endorphins: a natural high.
> With the sun rising in the East , the Pacific Ocean and the final tears of night to the west; I head North forever. The Earth alive and new and Christ I'm just so grateful for it, for all this beauty, for every breath, for every mile I have left to go.
> I can't help racing the other early morning cyclists, smiling as I pass as if to let them know I am dancing to music they cannot hear, a tango of early morning, a sun salutation played by feet and cars and bicycles on sidewalks with gum stains like morning stars and freeways as black as early morning coffee, challenging them to follow; into beauty, into life.
> 
> I ride and ride and ride and ride until my lungs burst and I pass them all and my road ends because I am home and the door opens with the twist of my key and its so quiet and calm I realize I haven't spoken to any one or anything in over five hours and I'm happy and tired.
> I put my bike to bed, stunned and amazed that such a simple and noble invention is capable of such wondrous things. It may as well have taken me to the moon and back.
> My bed calls, and I strip off my sweat soaked clothes and crawl in like a child. My heart and my soul alive with beauty and joy; I am a child. I fall asleep smiling and warm, my last thought amazement that all of this is made of stars.



*Yes, your bike adventure is very poetically written and very vivid. But, I can't help but pick up on the feeling that you are challenging the city or someone or something in the night to fight with you or hurt you. The fact that you are alive or hail and hearty come morning seems to be a relief, a renewal to you. It sort of sounds like someone playing Russian Roulette, riding a bucking rodeo bull, bungee jumping, or hang gliding. Challenging death and getting thrills by winning the game. If someone wants to do these things with their life, fine. But, people should know that the risks they are taking doing so are very great. However, some get great satisfaction from living with such risks.
*




imfree said:


> I'm with you, lily, Mom and are both going through a
> bout as I type. She's trying to bankrupt herself and
> I'm too damned disabled to move out of this hellhole
> if she succeeds and gets foreclosed. Woopdefkndoo!!!



ImFree,

*You say you're too disabled to move? Have you looked into government housing for the disabled? Here in my area, there are several housing additions that offers government assistance. Also, there are many rental properties that HUD will add a portion of the rent for disabled and qualified people. It wouldn't hurt to look into it. 

I think that the best way to change one's situation for the better is to make small modifications one at a time. Just take little steps. This will help you from becoming overloading and help keep down the depressing thoughts. Small successes are easier to achieve. Also, ask some of your church members to help you find another place if you need to move. They should also help you move too. *


----------



## imfree

moore2me said:


> ................snipped.................
> ImFree,
> 
> *You say you're too disabled to move? Have you looked into government housing for the disabled? Here in my area, there are several housing additions that offers government assistance. Also, there are many rental properties that HUD will add a portion of the rent for disabled and qualified people. It wouldn't hurt to look into it.
> 
> I think that the best way to change one's situation for the better is to make small modifications one at a time. Just take little steps. This will help you from becoming overloading and help keep down the depressing thoughts. Small successes are easier to achieve. Also, ask some of your church members to help you find another place if you need to move. They should also help you move too. *



That was great advice, Moore2Me. Mom and I are
in a co-dependent relationship. She helps me with
a multitude of physical household tasks and I help 
her with administrative and technical tasks. I can
live well on my disability pension in her household
when her finances don't interfere with my life.The
thought of living on my own, with government
assistance terrifies me because I would have to
"die" to my electronic endeavors, and probably to 
my online endeavors, as well, for lack of spendable 
income. Typical veteran, living alone on disability 
pension? Visualize a mindless vegetable in front of 
a television, who can't afford to go anywhere or 
do anything..Killing my body would be far more 
merciful than killing my spirit, trust me!


----------



## lily352

Thanks. Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

I wish I had kind words for everyone, but I'm just not really able to come up with any right now. 




Lovelyone said:


> Lily, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering again. Here's hoping that something wonderful and fantastic happens that will help lift you out of your blue mood. I've been there, and sometimes just a kind word can help.


----------



## Lovelyone

lily352 said:


> Thanks. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
> 
> I wish I had kind words for everyone, but I'm just not really able to come up with any right now.


 
OH im sorry. I meant that sometimes when someon has a kind word for me when I am feeling depressed, it can help o make me feel a bit more cheery.


----------



## Adamantoise

I would like to wish everyone the very best in fighting this dark mass called depression-it is a pretty awful condition to live with,and people live with the scars of it all each and every day.There is a light of hope that can pierce the darkness,however bleak it may be-you just have to find that little light,grab ahold of it and not let go. I know I might be making this sound a lot easier than it is, but I really just can't bear the thought that others may be suffering similar termoil as I have felt. The best of luck and much love to all of you.  :bow:


----------



## imfree

Adamantoise said:


> I would like to wish everyone the very best in fighting this dark mass called depression-it is a pretty awful condition to live with,and people live with the scars of it all each and every day.There is a light of hope that can pierce the darkness,however bleak it may be-you just have to find that little light,grab ahold of it and not let go. I know I might be making this sound a lot easier than it is, but I really just can't bear the thought that others may be suffering similar termoil as I have felt. The best of luck and much love to all of you.  :bow:



Thanks, Dude, for your love, kindness, and understanding.
Sorry, I can't rep you again, this soon.


----------



## lily352

Oops. I knew what you meant. I just meant that I wish i had had kind words for others. 



Lovelyone said:


> OH im sorry. I meant that sometimes when someon has a kind word for me when I am feeling depressed, it can help o make me feel a bit more cheery.



Today was a lot worse. Who knew


----------



## Adamantoise

imfree said:


> Thanks, Dude, for your love, kindness, and understanding.
> Sorry, I can't rep you again, this soon.



That's perfectly alright,Edgar. If you need to talk,I'll listen.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I am having a lot of problems of late..I know why but am not sure what to do about it.. 

This is the time of year I lost my Mom and I for one hate and I do mean hate,shorter days and longer nights..I can not stand the fact there is not enough sunlight in a day. I have been diagnosed with SAD-Seasonal Affective Disorder but they do not do much more then give me the Zoloft and the Trazadone.

If I could I would go to bed and sleep until Winter was over. I do not want to eat,I can't sleep very well,I am so tired I can barely get out of my bed.....I HATE THIS SHIT!!!


----------



## southernfa

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am having a lot of problems of late..I know why but am not sure what to do about it..
> 
> This is the time of year I lost my Mom and I for one hate and I do mean hate,shorter days and longer nights..I can not stand the fact there is not enough sunlight in a day. I have been diagnosed with SAD-Seasonal Affective Disorder but they do not do much more then give me the Zoloft and the Trazadone.
> 
> If I could I would go to bed and sleep until Winter was over. I do not want to eat,I can't sleep very well,I am so tired I can barely get out of my bed.....I HATE THIS SHIT!!!



I can empathise. Winter's charms wear thin quickly with me too. You might like to try using a sunlamp. I read somewhere that sunlight therapy has been used with some success in Sweden to treat SAD.


----------



## goodthings

Scorsese86 said:


> I don't know where else to post this, but I am new to this page, like it a lot, nothing to do with that, but I have a major health problem. I am not overweight, and it has nothing to do with my love with BBW to do...
> 
> ...I am a clinical depressive, and have been in therapy for two years. I just wondered if anyone else have struggeled with depression, know how to get out of it and such.
> 
> Sorry, if this ain't the right place to post this kind of thing.



Hey,
I have been diangnosed with major depression and dysthymia and disordered eating, my issues are mostly chemically based (as compaired to environmentally) and so will not "grow" out of it. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, my medical doctor and a hypnotherapist. As I am a biologically based depressive, my medication works wonders for me. If you ever want to compaire notes, you are welcome to email me. Good luck


----------



## goodthings

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am having a lot of problems of late..I know why but am not sure what to do about it..
> 
> This is the time of year I lost my Mom and I for one hate and I do mean hate,shorter days and longer nights..I can not stand the fact there is not enough sunlight in a day. I have been diagnosed with SAD-Seasonal Affective Disorder but they do not do much more then give me the Zoloft and the Trazadone.
> 
> If I could I would go to bed and sleep until Winter was over. I do not want to eat,I can't sleep very well,I am so tired I can barely get out of my bed.....I HATE THIS SHIT!!!



I hear ya. Being depressed fucking sucks.


----------



## mediaboy

moore2me said:


> *words*




yes, that's what the word "hoping" before the whole "shoot me" line is for.


one must find the beauty in life in spite of death, not because of it.


----------



## moore2me

mediaboy said:


> yes, that's what the word "hoping" before the whole "shoot me" line is for.
> 
> 
> one must find the beauty in life in spite of death, not because of it.



Mediaboy, excuse ignorant self, but I do not understand your post. Could you please explain a little further (or am I going to be sorry I asked?) M2M. :bow:

Also, many people in the world believe that death is not the end of a person's life (that is, it's not the end of their spiritual life).


----------



## Dromond

imfree said:


> That was great advice, Moore2Me. Mom and I are
> in a co-dependent relationship. She helps me with
> a multitude of physical household tasks and I help
> her with administrative and technical tasks. I can
> live well on my disability pension in her household
> when her finances don't interfere with my life.The
> thought of living on my own, with government
> assistance terrifies me because I would have to
> "die" to my electronic endeavors, and probably to
> my online endeavors, as well, for lack of spendable
> income. Typical veteran, living alone on disability
> pension? Visualize a mindless vegetable in front of
> a television, who can't afford to go anywhere or
> do anything..Killing my body would be far more
> merciful than killing my spirit, trust me!



I am on Social Security for severe chronic depression, and two spinal conditions. Since then I've developed non-alcoholic sclerosis of the liver to add to the fun.

My sole reliable income is from SSD and SSI, and I live independently. As you can clearly see, I can afford Internet access. Yes the finances are very tight each month and I've had to go through a lot of effort to achieve what I've got. I take advantage of energy assistance offered through my state, I have Medicare and Medicaid, food stamps, rental assistance, and I also visit my church's food pantry on months when things are really tight.

You can take advantage of your local Center for Independent Living. They will provide you with access to resources you probably didn't know you could get, such as a low cost (or maybe free) yearly bus pass, in home care/housekeeping, and likely other things. My local CIL also helps people who do not have their own place to get one. I'm considering getting a weekly housekeeper, because my ability to clean and do laundry is not so good.

I have been in your situation, living with my mom after my wife died, but in my case my mom died unexpectedly and I was going to be tossed out of the house because it had to be sold to settle her estate. I got educated real fast. You have time to do your research, so you should do so. You'll be amazed at the possibilities you will find.


----------



## Dromond

I've had depression my entire life. I came out of the womb with it hard wired into my brain. It is possible that I might have a mild bi-polar condition, but that's never been officially diagnosed. I say that because I also have occasional bouts of hypomania and I constantly have to deal with racing thoughts. Neither is typical of depression, but are present in bi-polar disorder. But again, I've seen more psychiatrists, psychologists and Licensed Clinical Social Workers than I can count over the years, and none of them ever said I was anything but severely chronically depressed. *shrug*

I take celexa and trazodone to cope with my chemical wackiness, and I've seen a lot of shrinks and assorted other mental health professionals over the years to try to cope with what goes on in my head. With all that, I am reasonably functional... though my stability is rather fragile.

Because I've of the bariatric surgery I had, I must take B-12 shots twice a month. The few days after taking a shot I deal with a mild mania that can lead me to do stupid things if I'm not careful.

I've had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life over the past five years, and that hasn't helped at all.

On my darkest days I can't keep up a brave face, and I become a hard person to be around. On those days I'm moody and I isolate, becoming quite anti-social.

But even with all this, I do my best to project a friendly and outgoing demeanor. It is a coping mechanism, and I'll detail why I believe it works.

1) Nobody wants to be around someone who is a downer. If you project a morose and moody attitude, you drive people away. Maintaining social contact is essential to mental health.

2) How you project yourself affects how you are within. If you express your depression, you feel more depressed. If you express a lighter mood, even if you don't feel it, you will improve how you feel inside.

3) I volunteer. Even though I can't hold a regular job, I volunteer what time I am able at my local Center for Independent Living. If you stay home all the time, you will drive yourself nowhere but deeper into isolation and depression. As I said above, social contact is essential to mental health.

This is what works for me. I hope it is of some small help to others.


----------



## lily352

I am back to full-fledged insomnia, which does not help depression. I have some really difficult days ahead at work. But I've decided that no one can ruin my Halloween. I have a great costume. I won't have a lot of time to get in it before the party I'm working, but I'm still determined to make the most of it. I can't let another crap day take away all of my fun!


----------



## squidgemonster

I suffer terrible depression in bouts that can last a few hours or weeks.
I really hate being alone,my GF lives 295 miles away,and us not being together when we need to be only serves to make it worse.
My GF has been there too,thats how she ended up very supersized,but we are trying to help each other recover,we are only truly happy together wrapped around each other.
Only my young daughter and my job stop me relocating.
It seems that unless you have experienced depression ,you cannot understand what the other person is going through,and this is why we cling to each other so much,we have so many issues to overcome but I hope we get there one day.


----------



## imfree

Dromond said:


> I've had depression my entire life. I came out of the womb with it hard wired into my brain. It is possible that I might have a mild bi-polar condition, but that's never been officially diagnosed. I say that because I also have occasional bouts of hypomania and I constantly have to deal with racing thoughts. Neither is typical of depression, but are present in bi-polar disorder. But again, I've seen more psychiatrists, psychologists and Licensed Clinical Social Workers than I can count over the years, and none of them ever said I was anything but severely chronically depressed. *shrug*
> 
> I take celexa and trazodone to cope with my chemical wackiness, and I've seen a lot of shrinks and assorted other mental health professionals over the years to try to cope with what goes on in my head. With all that, I am reasonably functional... though my stability is rather fragile.
> 
> Because I've of the bariatric surgery I had, I must take B-12 shots twice a month. The few days after taking a shot I deal with a mild mania that can lead me to do stupid things if I'm not careful.
> 
> I've had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life over the past five years, and that hasn't helped at all.
> 
> On my darkest days I can't keep up a brave face, and I become a hard person to be around. On those days I'm moody and I isolate, becoming quite anti-social.
> 
> But even with all this, I do my best to project a friendly and outgoing demeanor. It is a coping mechanism, and I'll detail why I believe it works.
> 
> 1) Nobody wants to be around someone who is a downer. If you project a morose and moody attitude, you drive people away. Maintaining social contact is essential to mental health.
> 
> 2) How you project yourself affects how you are within. If you express your depression, you feel more depressed. If you express a lighter mood, even if you don't feel it, you will improve how you feel inside.
> 
> 3) I volunteer. Even though I can't hold a regular job, I volunteer what time I am able at my local Center for Independent Living. If you stay home all the time, you will drive yourself nowhere but deeper into isolation and depression. As I said above, social contact is essential to mental health.
> 
> This is what works for me. I hope it is of some small help to others.



Thanks, Dude, and you're absolutely right. I'll keep 
your information in mind. I'm already familiar with
the Centers For Independent living. I do get out
a little for church and social interaction. Being
with people is a real pick-me-up and I really
light up when I'm with others. Mom has corrected
a problem with her medication and is much better,
herself. She now knows that stress causes my
blood sugar to go out of control and my skin
condition in my lower legs to flair up, so she
realizes the need to be more financially responsible.
My little sister, who is a good administrator, and
I are going to sit down with Mom soon and work
through the financial issues. Little Sis' recently had
foot surgery, so it will be a while before we can 
meet.Mom is already improving and things are 
looking up. God bless you, Dromond, and thank you 
for your wise advice.


----------



## Dromond

imfree said:


> Thanks, Dude, and you're absolutely right. I'll keep
> your information in mind. I'm already familiar with
> the Centers For Independent living. I do get out
> a little for church and social interaction. Being
> with people is a real pick-me-up and I really
> light up when I'm with others. Mom has corrected
> a problem with her medication and is much better,
> herself. She now knows that stress causes my
> blood sugar to go out of control and my skin
> condition in my lower legs to flair up, so she
> realizes the need to be more financially responsible.
> My little sister, who is a good administrator, and
> I are going to sit down with Mom soon and work
> through the financial issues. Little Sis' recently had
> foot surgery, so it will be a while before we can
> meet.Mom is already improving and things are
> looking up. God bless you, Dromond, and thank you
> for your wise advice.



Thank you, I'm glad my ramblings were able to be of some help. Here's to things looking up for you!


----------



## Shosh

Dromond said:


> Thank you, I'm glad my ramblings were able to be of some help. Here's to things looking up for you!



I love your profile pic of you and your girl. So lovely. Bless you both.


----------



## Dromond

Thank you. :blush:


----------



## Scorsese86

Hello, everybody.

Thank you for all the kind words, both directed towards me, and all those others who have posted here about their struggle with depression.

To give you all an update (if you care)... for the last two weeks, I've been pretty low. Thank for God, my therapy group, my mum and my lovely cousin, I probably wouldn't be alive right now... I know that sounds exteme, but that is the fact. The group therapy will go very extreme for the next couple of weeks, plus some individual therapy, but they all say things will work out fine for me. As long as I keep myself honest, and true.

I'd like to thanks everyone at this website.
I joined this page because of my love to BBW's, not realising this was such a wonderful community, where I could post almost anything, find friends and read insightful comments.

Thanks you, Dimensions


----------



## Shosh

Scorsese86 said:


> Hello, everybody.
> 
> Thank you for all the kind words, both directed towards me, and all those others who have posted here about their struggle with depression.
> 
> To give you all an update (if you care)... for the last two weeks, I've been pretty low. Thank for God, my therapy group, my mum and my lovely cousin, I probably wouldn't be alive right now... I know that sounds exteme, but that is the fact. The group therapy will go very extreme for the next couple of weeks, plus some individual therapy, but they all say things will work out fine for me. As long as I keep myself honest, and true.
> 
> I'd like to thanks everyone at this website.
> I joined this page because of my love to BBW's, not realising this was such a wonderful community, where I could post almost anything, find friends and read insightful comments.
> 
> Thanks you, Dimensions




Hei,

Well of course people care.

Depression is sometimes referred to as the black dog.

Here is the wesite for an Australian organization that helps people who suffer from depression and other mood disorders.

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

Remember that laughing, and friends, and faith, and medication can also help.

You are very brave to talk about it here. 

De beste onsker

Susannah


----------



## cinnamitch

Depression is a total drain on life

I have suffered from it for years but did not get a diagnosis until 2006. When i heard the words "clinical Depression" it felt as if i finally had some answers. I have spent my life in a black hole, only coming up for air at various times in my life. I managed to hide a lot of my depression from others by putting on my "happy fattie" face. It cushioned me from having to explain why i felt as if i could literally lay down and die. I suffered abuse at a young age, spent years in a marriage to a man who destroyed my self esteem, became estranged from my alcoholic mother and had not spoken to her in 6 years. I managed to have 4 kids, hold down a good job and from appearances live a fairly normal life. What people didnt see were the crying jags, the apathy, the disassociation from those around me. After my marriage broke up i never dealt with it , i just threw myself into working double shifts using the excuse of single mom, when in reality i just didnt want to have to put on a show of strength for my kids, knowing that one word spoken would shatter me like glass. My health suffered, i gained more and more weight after WLS, which further convinced me of my worthlessness. It finally came to a head when i could no longer do my job physically. The sense of failure i had made me plunge into the deepest abyss. I finally had a breakdown talking with a lady on a suicide line. I got into therapy, which was not for me, at least not for now, got on meds which kept me tired all the time and just became an anxiety ridden, agoraphobic zombie. I finally stopped the meds and have slowly started pulling myself up. Its slow and there have been missteps. My mother was murdered by her bf before we had a chance to reconcile and to this day the regret i feel is sometimes overwhelming. I mean it just hits me that i dont have my mama anymore and its just wrong. I do have a grandson who i want to fight hard to be in his life because i dont want to be the grandma who he only knows from pictures and stories. I will probably go back on meds because there is only so much i can do and i realize that. I just know that for all of us who suffer, there is hope , there is a light, we just have to fight the battle against ourselves to reach for it.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I am so sorry and send big hugs to you Cinna. 

Depression is a bitch but the meds do really help. Sounds like you need to go back to the therapist and get a different type of med to take. These do not seem to be working for you at all. The meds should level you out but not leave you in the state you were in.


----------



## Scorsese86

Susannah... you're such a darling
Your comments are always so good... thank you!

I have lately spent some time listening to some hilarious music: it's this comic duo in Norway, who was very big in the 80s and 90s called Tom Mathiesen & Herodes Falsk... their music is so stupid and funny I can't stop smiling. I reccomend to everyone who feels down, see a funny film, or a show, or listening to something really funny. It might work!


----------



## Shosh

Scorsese86 said:


> Susannah... you're such a darling
> Your comments are always so good... thank you!
> 
> I have lately spent some time listening to some hilarious music: it's this comic duo in Norway, who was very big in the 80s and 90s called Tom Mathiesen & Herodes Falsk... their music is so stupid and funny I can't stop smiling. I reccomend to everyone who feels down, see a funny film, or a show, or listening to something really funny. It might work!



Comedy is the best medicine of all! I love Billy Connolly.

Laughter releases natural endorphins, or feel good chemicals from the brain. 

Things will get better, you will see. It takes time. Never you worry.


----------



## Surlysomething

Feeling pretty down right now.


Yesterday was bad. 





'tis the season...


----------



## Shosh

Surlysomething said:


> Feeling pretty down right now.
> 
> 
> Yesterday was bad.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 'tis the season...




Sorry Tina. I think this time of year can be especially hard for people that suffer depression because there is the whole added dimension of the whole "Happy families, let's be cheerful"
type thing that is kind of shoved down people's throats.

I can assuredly say that the holidays are no magical panacea. People struggle and have problems all year round, and ridiculous expectations that all be perfect and sunny at this time of year are just nonsense.

We can enjoy the holidays, but life and our emotions go on just the same.


----------



## Scorsese86

Christmas is indeed the worst time of the year, for most people with depression. Believe me, I know... today has been one long cry.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I have felt the same way but wont give into it yet..If I did I would be crying from the time I get out of bed until I go back to bed..I hate this time of year!

So sorry Surly wish I could tell you something to do that would make it pass faster and make you feel better at the same time. 

I have been doing Spring cleaning to keep my hands busy so my mind does not have time to think. I am tackling the closets in my house and then my next project is to paint a bedroom..Hopefully it takes me a while to do all of it and Spring really will be here by then..


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks, y'all!

I'm hangin' in there. But yes, keeping the mind/body active takes your mind off of things and today and yesterday were MUCH better days. 


Power of positive thinking. Crazy stuff. :happy:


----------



## HDANGEL15

Susannah said:


> Sorry Tina. I think this time of year can be especially hard for people that suffer depression because there is the whole added dimension of the whole "Happy families, let's be cheerful"
> type thing that is kind of shoved down people's throats.
> 
> I can assuredly say that the holidays are no magical panacea. People struggle and have problems all year round, and ridiculous expectations that all be perfect and sunny at this time of year are just nonsense.
> 
> We can enjoy the holidays, but life and our emotions go on just the same.



a*greed..whole heartedly...my family is NOT a family anymore...we NEVER do stuff together, i went to Pittsburgh to spend thanksgiving with him and his gf..but my other siblings went their own way....xmas is non-existent, Hanukkah is something my sister does with her husband and 2 girls, blah blah blah....I just have to find other things to busy myself with, soup kitchen or something on the actual holiday...so not to feel alone and to give rather then receive.*


----------



## amber83

I wish depression was my only problem, but it's not unfortunately, it's just part of the 5 for 1 deal I have. 

I've been absent from these boards since August, and hadn't been around much before that. There is a reason. 5 years ago, I quit taking my medicine for this, and, I did good for awhile, but, I started into a spiral last November and it just got progressively worse. 

I started back on medicine and life is amazing. But, it isn't for everybody. Between medicine and just...being able to breathe again, I don't know how I went so long. 

You have my full sympathy - it is one of THE hardest things to deal with.


----------



## Adamantoise

I've been feeling all messed up,and it's finally begin to get to me.Today,I've been sat at the computer,doing pretty much sod-all,when I could be 'going out with freinds' that I still don't have.I could do without watching couples going christmas shopping with each other,because that hurts too-I've been turned down for a relationship ONCE this year(because I've only had the courage ONCE),and it's sent me into this ******* annoying little spiral.I don't go out any more except to do my volutary bit for charity,because I don't see the point any more. I try my damnedest to be positive(god,I hate hearing people tell me that,either that or 'cheer-up'),but it is to no avail. Naming no names,it's like SOMEONE doesn't want me to advance in life-I don't want to speak to a psychiatrist because it doesn't help,same with my GP.
It's like listening to the same BS over and over.


----------



## Surlysomething

Adamantoise said:


> I've been feeling all messed up,and it's finally begin to get to me.Today,I've been sat at the computer,doing pretty much sod-all,when I could be 'going out with freinds' that I still don't have.I could do without watching couples going christmas shopping with each other,because that hurts too-I've been turned down for a relationship ONCE this year(because I've only had the courage ONCE),and it's sent me into this ******* annoying little spiral.I don't go out any more except to do my volutary bit for charity,because I don't see the point any more. I try my damnedest to be positive(god,I hate hearing people tell me that,either that or 'cheer-up'),but it is to no avail. Naming no names,it's like SOMEONE doesn't want me to advance in life-I don't want to speak to a psychiatrist because it doesn't help,same with my GP.
> It's like listening to the same BS over and over.


 
I hear you. I wish there was an emoticon for frustrated and tired.

Keep hangin' in there (apparently it gets better :bow: )


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

Adamantoise said:


> I've been feeling all messed up,and it's finally begin to get to me.Today,I've been sat at the computer,doing pretty much sod-all,when I could be 'going out with freinds' that I still don't have.I could do without watching couples going christmas shopping with each other,because that hurts too-I've been turned down for a relationship ONCE this year(because I've only had the courage ONCE),and it's sent me into this ******* annoying little spiral.I don't go out any more except to do my volutary bit for charity,because I don't see the point any more. I try my damnedest to be positive(god,I hate hearing people tell me that,either that or 'cheer-up'),but it is to no avail. Naming no names,it's like SOMEONE doesn't want me to advance in life-I don't want to speak to a psychiatrist because it doesn't help,same with my GP.
> It's like listening to the same BS over and over.



I am so sorry that your life is sucking right now. I know how it is to have no friends and not going out to have fun. Being alone during the holidays is a bitch as well.

I am a recluse as well,have been for years and now it is wearing old. I have decided that at the first of the year I am going to start going out even if it is by myself and enjoying life. I am going out to eat,the movies,to a bar by myself and enjoy life even if I am alone doing it. I have come to the conclusion this is my life and I have to live it the way I want and not the way this depression wants me to live it..I am going to work hard to take back my life and to do fun things.

Sometimes you have to take that first small step to get your life back on track and to enjoy living again. I am taking mine in 09..

I wish you the best and I hope things turn around for you.


----------



## Scorsese86

Adamantoise said:


> I've been feeling all messed up,and it's finally begin to get to me.Today,I've been sat at the computer,doing pretty much sod-all,when I could be 'going out with freinds' that I still don't have.I could do without watching couples going christmas shopping with each other,because that hurts too-I've been turned down for a relationship ONCE this year(because I've only had the courage ONCE),and it's sent me into this ******* annoying little spiral.I don't go out any more except to do my volutary bit for charity,because I don't see the point any more. I try my damnedest to be positive(god,I hate hearing people tell me that,either that or 'cheer-up'),but it is to no avail. Naming no names,it's like SOMEONE doesn't want me to advance in life-I don't want to speak to a psychiatrist because it doesn't help,same with my GP.
> It's like listening to the same BS over and over.



I know the feelings you had there, all too well. The good thing is that it can only be better, when it all sucks so much.
Hang in there... I know it fucking impossible to think things are going to be better, and I know how hard it is to "try and be happy", 'cause it's not like switching your mood on and off, I know that too well also. But take one day at a time, that's what I've learned. There are good days, even though you don't notice them as good as the bad ones.

I just survived Christmas. That sounds awful, but I am so glad when everyday is coming back, 'cause I can't stand this cheerful season.


----------



## QtPatooti

Wanted to say hello to all of you- I read this thread for the first time today. I have been suffering with depression for a long time. I have had therapy several times during rough spots. That did help. But the biggest help was getting the right medication for me. It took years of trial and error. Then going to a psychiatrist every 6 months to get me on the right dosage (and I still go for that medicine check). I have been on the correct dosage for a couple of years now and it makes a difference between me getting down and staying down. The medicine certainly does not solve problems. But it helps me get through issues. I know medication isnt right for everyone, but it did help me.

Depression can be very difficult and you feel so alone, yet you want to be alone. I can relate to the comments about the holidays. Very difficult for me. I would like to sneak into the back corner of my closet and stay there for about a month. But I dont.

Hug and best to all of you.
Robbi


----------



## GenericGeek

Got my 60-day layoff notice yesterday. And man, is that ever a bitch!

Fortunately, I've been seeing a wonderful psychiatrist for the past few months, because my old antidepressant regime (Wellbutrin), just wasn't working anymore, and I've had two episodes of major depression in the past 2 years. Two too many!

He added a tricyclic antidepressant (nortryptiline) to my meds regime, and gradually, it has helped me regain perspective.

I don't know *what* I would've done yesterday without it. I honestly think that I would've killed myself (at worst), or had to check myself into a hospital (at best). The "Black Dog" (thanks for the name, Shosh! :smitten was _*that *_strong with me.

My personal experience is that neither meds or talking therapy _*alone *_ are enough to help you tame this beast. But when you find the right combination of those two, plus support from family and good friends (take a bow, everyone!), you *can*.

And it's my fervent hope that, once tamed, the Black Dog can turn into one hell of a powerful protector...


----------



## Surlysomething

GenericGeek said:


> Got my 60-day layoff notice yesterday. And man, is that ever a bitch!
> 
> Fortunately, I've been seeing a wonderful psychiatrist for the past few months, because my old antidepressant regime (Wellbutrin), just wasn't working anymore, and I've had two episodes of major depression in the past 2 years. Two too many!
> 
> He added a tricyclic antidepressant (nortryptiline) to my meds regime, and gradually, it has helped me regain perspective.
> 
> I don't know *what* I would've done yesterday without it. I honestly think that I would've killed myself (at worst), or had to check myself into a hospital (at best). The "Black Dog" (thanks for the name, Shosh! :smitten was _*that *_strong with me.
> 
> My personal experience is that neither meds or talking therapy _*alone *_ are enough to help you tame this beast. But when you find the right combination of those two, plus support from family and good friends (take a bow, everyone!), you *can*.
> 
> And it's my fervent hope that, once tamed, the Black Dog can turn into one hell of a powerful protector...



Damn. Sorry about the layoff. But I like that you're meeting your depression head-on! This would be a really good time to start looking for another job though, while your spirits are still relatively intact. Don't wait too long until the anxiety of it all creeps up on your and your depression gets worse. Talk about it!

Take care


----------



## chicken legs

i have to laugh at myself when i see this because of how i relate to it 

Woody Allen...Deconstructing Harry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZZtPLZcmEs


----------



## Jazz Man

I hope you're all hanging in there. I can certainly sympathize. On top of this third life crisis, I've recently lost the use of my right arm (temporarily). It doesn't help that I can barely bathe or get myself dressed in the morning. I think that serves to illustrate that we need to appreciate the simple things. I have heard of Wellbutrin not working but of course, it depends on the individual. That's good that you found something that works for you. Good luck with everything.


----------



## Mishty

So it's been weeks since I've touched my meds, and I'm feeling ok, I guess...
I just wish I could handle sad thoughts like I used too. 
Why does something slightly sad or depressing ruin my whole day? I dwell on it for hours, chew it, swallow, chew it some more...
I mean I can't even watch certain movie trailers without a mad dash to turn the channel so I don't feel those emotions well up... 

My Mom seems to think I haven't dealt with my Grans death in October, but I think I have, I don't even think about her.

I remember a few years ago I could listen to someones problems and give great advice, and that was it. I went my why, they'd go theirs.. Now I just can't let it go,I can't let my life be bogged down by someones problems, so the people around me think I "just don't care", but the truth is, I can't control myself or my moods, or my opinions. Everything seems so personal nowadays. But what's wrong with personal?? 


This didn't make a damn bit of sense... :huh:


----------



## Surlysomething

feeling pretty down lately...


----------



## Mishty

Surlysomething said:


> feeling pretty down lately...



Need to vent?


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

You know I thought depression was my biggest enemy but I have found a new one that I can not shake. As some of you know I live where the tornado hit in Lone Grove OK. I finally drove through my town Wed. and Thur.. So much destruction,so many deaths it is so horrific. I haven't been able to sleep much since Tue. night. I think I have survivor's guilt. If not for the grace of God my name could be on the list of the dead or hurt. If the tornado had continued on it's projected path,I would have taken a direct hit. My son lost a really good friend that was only 30 years old. He hadn't had much of a life. My mind keeps saying why him,why the rest of them and not me. I know I should be grateful and I am very but I just can't seem to shake the feeling of what made me so special I got passed over..

I know what I am thinking is really stupid and irrational..I know it was not my time nor was it the place for me to meet my maker..

I am sorry I am rambling but my thoughts are still very jumbled.


----------



## Scorsese86

The last few weeks have been very up and very down... now I am somewhere in the middle... But I feel kind of sick and tired of everything called mediciation lately. Is pills really the answer???


----------



## Shosh

I guess now is the time to just dive right in and tell everyone that I have been taking anti depressent medication since early December last year.

I was crying everyday, and anxious, and finding it hard to come to terms with this disease inside me.

I am feeling better now, and my days seem a little brighter, and things seem more hopeful.


----------



## Surlysomething

Susannah said:


> I guess now is the time to just dive right in and tell everyone that I have been taking anti depressent medication since early December last year.
> 
> I was crying everyday, and anxious, and finding it hard to come to terms with this disease inside me.
> 
> I am feeling better now, and my days seem a little brighter, and things seem more hopeful.




Bravo for getting help for it. I hate the stigma surrounding depression/medication.

If you feel better, that's all that matters.


----------



## Scorsese86

Susannah said:


> I guess now is the time to just dive right in and tell everyone that I have been taking anti depressent medication since early December last year.
> 
> I was crying everyday, and anxious, and finding it hard to come to terms with this disease inside me.
> 
> I am feeling better now, and my days seem a little brighter, and things seem more hopeful.



Well, I'm glad you feel better, Susannah.

I hope mediciation can help me some too. 'cause I have used, but it didn't really help me much. So, I'm up for anything that can help... Maybe try some new then.


----------



## steely

Susannah said:


> I guess now is the time to just dive right in and tell everyone that I have been taking anti depressent medication since early December last year.
> 
> I was crying everyday, and anxious, and finding it hard to come to terms with this disease inside me.
> 
> I am feeling better now, and my days seem a little brighter, and things seem more hopeful.



There's no shame in getting help for a medical condition,Shosh.The only thing that matters is that you feel better.:happy:

That goes for everyone in this thread including myself.


----------



## steely

Scorsese86 said:


> Well, I'm glad you feel better, Susannah.
> 
> I hope mediciation can help me some too. 'cause I have used, but it didn't really help me much. So, I'm up for anything that can help... Maybe try some new then.



Sometimes it takes a good bit of time to get the right meds that will work for you.There's no need to go through life miserable.Give the meds time to work.I have been on several different types myself.Some better than others,some seem to wear off after time.You've just got to stick with it.Know that I'm pulling for you


----------



## Surlysomething

steely said:


> Sometimes it takes a good bit of time to get the right meds that will work for you.




I totally agree with this. Look how many meds are out there now, it's pretty crazy. There are meds that make people feel so shitty but make others feel great. Keep talking to your Dr and trying other meds until you find the right one for you.

And hang in there, Scorsese86 (and everyone else)


----------



## Cleofatra_74

*I really feel for you guys & know what you are & have been feeling. I don't want to cruise in here & make it sound like everything is gonna be rosy today tomorrow or the next day, I know how hard it is & although I'm doing well right now I'm aware it is something I have to work on everyday (& it doesn't always work). Basically I just want people who are feeling like shit right now to know that if I can dig myself out of that bloody deep dark hole you can to  If your reading this your still alive & hell I'm sure alot of us know how hard that is when the black dog bites at our heels. That in it's self say how strong you are, even if it doesn't always feel like it.*




*Have you done something you enjoy today?*


----------



## Flyin Lilac

I'm not looking for answers or a pep talk or sympathy, just wanted to post because saying it "out loud" makes me feel like I'm not totally gonna lose my shit.

I've been in a really stubborn rough patch the past couple months with the depression, and can't seem to shake it. It reminds me of about 10 years ago when I was first diagnosed, I had practically cracked up one night. Part of me worries that's going to happen again any day now, but another part of me almost wishes it would ---- like, have the meltdown, get it outta my system, dust myself off and move on.

Perhaps I'll just go to bed.


----------



## Cleofatra_74

> I'm not looking for answers or a pep talk or sympathy, just wanted to post because saying it "out loud" makes me feel like I'm not totally gonna lose my shit.
> 
> I've been in a really stubborn rough patch the past couple months with the depression, and can't seem to shake it. It reminds me of about 10 years ago when I was first diagnosed, I had practically cracked up one night. Part of me worries that's going to happen again any day now, but another part of me almost wishes it would ---- like, have the meltdown, get it outta my system, dust myself off and move on.
> 
> Perhaps I'll just go to bed.




((((((Flyin Lilac)))))


----------



## steely

Flyin Lilac said:


> I'm not looking for answers or a pep talk or sympathy, just wanted to post because saying it "out loud" makes me feel like I'm not totally gonna lose my shit.
> 
> I've been in a really stubborn rough patch the past couple months with the depression, and can't seem to shake it. It reminds me of about 10 years ago when I was first diagnosed, I had practically cracked up one night. Part of me worries that's going to happen again any day now, but another part of me almost wishes it would ---- like, have the meltdown, get it outta my system, dust myself off and move on.
> 
> Perhaps I'll just go to bed.



Been there too,hun.


----------



## JenFromOC

Flyin Lilac said:


> I'm not looking for answers or a pep talk or sympathy, just wanted to post because saying it "out loud" makes me feel like I'm not totally gonna lose my shit.
> 
> I've been in a really stubborn rough patch the past couple months with the depression, and can't seem to shake it. It reminds me of about 10 years ago when I was first diagnosed, I had practically cracked up one night. Part of me worries that's going to happen again any day now, but another part of me almost wishes it would ---- like, have the meltdown, get it outta my system, dust myself off and move on.
> 
> Perhaps I'll just go to bed.



You won't lose your shit...even though it feels like it  I've been there and can we all say....Wellbutrin XL. Of course, going to bed helps too. There are lots of people here for you...take good care of yourself


----------



## MatthewB

I've struggled with depression myself for over a year now, but since starting on Zoloft in January, I've felt so much better. 

I really hope Wellbutrin helps, man.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I have been struggling the last 2 to 2 1/2 weeks..I am not sure what triggered this episode but it is the worse I have felt in years..Normally I can find stuff to do to make myself feel better but I haven't been able to this time..All I want to do is sleep...I do not even want to eat,just sleep..I get up in the morning time,have coffee and am ready to go back to bed..

I haven't gotten to the point of wanting to kill myself in almost 20 years..Not there yet but I know if I do not find something to get me out of this funk soon I will be there..I have zero desire for anything..Nothing interest me at all..

I have struggled with this for so long and am so sick of it being an issue for me....I hate the fact something in my brain is not working like it should...I hate the fact little things in life should be making me happy and they aren't..I am angry at myself for being so weak and not fighting this harder...I am angry that the depression is winning this time...


----------



## Tau

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I have been struggling the last 2 to 2 1/2 weeks..I am not sure what triggered this episode but it is the worse I have felt in years..Normally I can find stuff to do to make myself feel better but I haven't been able to this time..All I want to do is sleep...I do not even want to eat,just sleep..I get up in the morning time,have coffee and am ready to go back to bed..
> 
> I haven't gotten to the point of wanting to kill myself in almost 20 years..Not there yet but I know if I do not find something to get me out of this funk soon I will be there..I have zero desire for anything..Nothing interest me at all..
> 
> I have struggled with this for so long and am so sick of it being an issue for me....I hate the fact something in my brain is not working like it should...I hate the fact little things in life should be making me happy and they aren't..I am angry at myself for being so weak and not fighting this harder...I am angry that the depression is winning this time...



Hey girl, I'm no expert but I do know that meds help. Have you been to see somebody? A lot of people think depression is something they can force or will themselves out of - its not. Please see somebody - your post really jolted me *hugz and love*


----------



## Paquito

Nice to see that I'm not the only one fighting the black dog here.

I have days where I truly feel blissful and that everything will be ok in the world. Those days are too sparse.

Then I have those days where I feel trapped in a storm of depression with no hope of escaping. Those days are too frequent.

Sometimes I feel like I'm battling through my depression. But then the universe decides to put me in place. Always. And I never tell a soul about how depressed I feel. I just put on my cheery mask, when in reality, any little thing can set me into a tailspin.

But I refuse to give up the fight. Keep on truckin', right?


----------



## CrankySpice

This may seem like a weird post, but I'm wondering if any of you can empathize.

Sometimes, I feel more comfortable depressed than not. It's like an old, ratty, smelly but familiar blanket I've had for years.

When I'm not depressed, there's a part of me that is just waiting for it to come. Because it will. It always does. I almost welcome it because I can stop waiting and wondering.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know that when I am depressed, it is harder on my friends and family.

I've suffered with depression since puberty. It's as much a part of me as having breasts - depression's been with me for the same amount of time.

I am on meds, and despite what I'm saying here, they help - without them, I'm constantly (but passively, most of the time, thank goodness) suicidal. On them, I still cycle in and out of depression, but it isn't nearly as severe as it would be without them.

This post is kind of all over the place. Disorganized thought processes, ftw!


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus

Oh I most definitely understand. I've been depressed all my life, I don't know how to function without it. It is a very integral part of me. The meds help me function, but the depression never really goes away, and I'm not sure I want it to. :/





CrankySpice said:


> This may seem like a weird post, but I'm wondering if any of you can empathize.
> 
> Sometimes, I feel more comfortable depressed than not. It's like an old, ratty, smelly but familiar blanket I've had for years.
> 
> When I'm not depressed, there's a part of me that is just waiting for it to come. Because it will. It always does. I almost welcome it because I can stop waiting and wondering.
> 
> I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know that when I am depressed, it is harder on my friends and family.
> 
> I've suffered with depression since puberty. It's as much a part of me as having breasts - depression's been with me for the same amount of time.
> 
> I am on meds, and despite what I'm saying here, they help - without them, I'm constantly (but passively, most of the time, thank goodness) suicidal. On them, I still cycle in and out of depression, but it isn't nearly as severe as it would be without them.
> 
> This post is kind of all over the place. Disorganized thought processes, ftw!


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

Thank you Tau...I am sorry my post bothered you so much...I do take meds but sometimes the depression breaks through and I have to learn to control it when it does...

Cranky and free this has been a part of my life as far back as I can remember..I understand where you both are coming from..I wish someone had a magic wand and could fix ever depressed person in this world..

I get angry with myself because I know it is a hereditary disease and will be passed on for generations..I inherited mine from my Dad's side of the family..

We just need to hang in there because this to shall pass..


----------



## disaster117

CrankySpice said:


> This may seem like a weird post, but I'm wondering if any of you can empathize.
> 
> Sometimes, I feel more comfortable depressed than not. It's like an old, ratty, smelly but familiar blanket I've had for years.
> 
> When I'm not depressed, there's a part of me that is just waiting for it to come. Because it will. It always does. I almost welcome it because I can stop waiting and wondering.
> 
> I feel guilty for feeling this way, because I know that when I am depressed, it is harder on my friends and family.
> 
> I've suffered with depression since puberty. It's as much a part of me as having breasts - depression's been with me for the same amount of time.
> 
> I am on meds, and despite what I'm saying here, they help - without them, I'm constantly (but passively, most of the time, thank goodness) suicidal. On them, I still cycle in and out of depression, but it isn't nearly as severe as it would be without them.
> 
> This post is kind of all over the place. Disorganized thought processes, ftw!




I definitely can understand where you're coming from, although that's not exactly how I feel when I'm depressed. My best friend, lately she has been saying the same types of things that you're saying, that she feels safe being in her 'damaged' skin, and that when she's happy she knows that it's not going to last...It definitely does make me sad to hear her say those types of things, but I do understand. For me, it's the opposite. I hate all of the feelings I get when I'm depressed...and I desperately want to get to a point where I don't feel those things. My friend actually has a quote that kind of explains why she feels that way, she told me the other day. It's from a book she read and it's, "You've been so damaged that damage, in it's totality, makes you feel safe". I guess I understand that in a way, but I've tried so hard in my life to not feel safe damaged, because I know it's not a healthy place for me. When I get those feelings it's just a scary time, because I feel like I'm capable of anything, and so whenever I feel them coming on, I do anything I can to get rid of them. It doesn't always work, but I feel safe being happy, because I know I'm not capable of much in a good mood. When I hit rock bottom, I can do anything, and that scares me. 

Cranky, would you suggest someone else, such as my friend who shares a similar position as yourself, to get on meds as well? I mean, I don't know. I know they work, but I hate the idea of medication, and so does she. She tells me that she doesn't even want to get better because of the fact that she feels safe in her depression. I just know that she's capable of anything right now. She says she'd never have the nerve, but really...that's what everyone says, and everyone has the nerve..I'm terribly afraid for her, and constantly worrying about her. You say it's not as severe, do you think you could try to explain that a little? If not that's okay, I'm just curious as to hearing a few people talk about how they work. It's not like I can ultimately decide whether or not she gets on them, I'm just curious. Her mom actually told me she thinks it's time for medication anyway...I just want to know what to expect, if anyone can help.


----------



## penny

hello
i am pretty much new here also. i have been going to a mental health doc. for several years and i STILL have alot of issues. i was diagnosed as having P.T.S.D. the counciling has helped "some" this site has helped alot already. i am also diabetic and ALOT of other health problems. im also a compulsive overeater! talk about being disgusted with yourself!i beat myself up alot over getting so depressed! so maybe "NO" we can HELP each other if you would like. i know i need all the friends i can get.

phat girl


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## Risible

penny said:


> hello
> i am pretty much new here also. i have been going to a mental health doc. for several years and i STILL have alot of issues. i was diagnosed as having P.T.S.D. the counciling has helped "some" this site has helped alot already. i am also diabetic and ALOT of other health problems. im also a compulsive overeater! talk about being disgusted with yourself!i beat myself up alot over getting so depressed! so maybe "NO" we can HELP each other if you would like. i know i need all the friends i can get.
> 
> phat girl



Hi Penny! I'm glad to see you back posting; I hope this thread (as well as the Diabetic Thread in this same forum) are helpful to you? 

Penny, did you get the Private Message (PM) I sent you a couple of days ago?


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## Just_Jen

I've been really struggling with this lately.
For the past month or so i just feel like giving in. I've not been coming on here lately because it makes me think about my size more. 

The depression is taking over and my eating disorder is out of control. 
I saw the doctor for it and i'm going through assessment. It seems to be taking forever. I just feel like i'm never going to get anywhere. I feel like i make people ashamed to know me. ugh. There's this whole mess of my life right now. 

I feel so lost and i don't have anyone to talk to anymore.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Jen, I don't have any wisdom to offer, but I just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I know it feels endless and hopeless right now but I also know that things can and will get better. I believe it. I hope you can hang in there until you can get some good help, and not beat yourself up too badly in the meantime. 

((((Jen)))) You're a good person. Never forget that.


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## BubbleButtBabe

Just_Jen said:


> I've been really struggling with this lately.
> For the past month or so i just feel like giving in. I've not been coming on here lately because it makes me think about my size more.
> 
> The depression is taking over and my eating disorder is out of control.
> I saw the doctor for it and i'm going through assessment. It seems to be taking forever. I just feel like i'm never going to get anywhere. I feel like i make people ashamed to know me. ugh. There's this whole mess of my life right now.
> 
> I feel so lost and i don't have anyone to talk to anymore.



I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now..Wish I was there to give you a hug in real life..hugggs..

I second what Miss Vickie said..You are a good person..You are very worthy..


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## HottiMegan

I am struggling pretty hard with depression right now. I feel like i'm treading water but only my nose is above the water struggling to get air. I want to just stay in bed and read or watch tv but I have to get up and function and be in a reasonable mood for my boys. Alex gets scared when i'm sitting in my chair sobbing. 
I don't have a car during the day so I have no ability to go out and do stuff for myself. I have to wait until my husband gets home, and hes tired by the time he gets home so it's not fun to do stuff. He's upset that I am not happy and just doesn't understand depression. I try to hide it all and do my crying and moping while he's at work and Max is at school. 
I haven't had any me time in a year. I have only gotten 2 haircuts in that year because of time constraints. I have only been to 2 movies in that year because we don't have someone to watch the kids. I can honestly say that I have no friends other than my husband. So i'm very lonely.
I would seek help but the deductible on our insurance isnt something we can afford right now. 
I have reverted to my cutting when it gets bad. My poor cat gets blamed when i have to explain the scratches all over my arm. I don't even know why i'm writing all this down. I just feel the need to get it out i guess.


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## Miss Vickie

Oh, honey. ((((Megan)))) I'm so sorry. I know you know that this is totally chemical, not your fault, right? And just the fact that you can be up caring for your kids shows just how strong you are. But everyone needs an outlet. I know your husband is tired, but the kids are also his and if you lose your shit totally (which can happen if you don't take care of yourself at least a little bit each day) then you'll be no help to him and the boys. I bet just a little walk outside by yourself, or a trip to the store, even, would help give you an outlet for your feelings.

I know you also know that the best thing for you would be professional help. I totally understand the money thing, but are there any low cost mental health clinics in your town? Or any schools that can provide therapy for reduced prices? Or even support groups, which would a) get you time away, and b) possibly help you.

Megan, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are. I know how hard it is. I really hope you can find ways to manage your feelings. You're not alone, honey. If there's anything I can do, please get in touch. Ok?


----------



## Surlysomething

HottiMegan said:


> I am struggling pretty hard with depression right now. I feel like i'm treading water but only my nose is above the water struggling to get air. I want to just stay in bed and read or watch tv but I have to get up and function and be in a reasonable mood for my boys. Alex gets scared when i'm sitting in my chair sobbing.
> I don't have a car during the day so I have no ability to go out and do stuff for myself. I have to wait until my husband gets home, and hes tired by the time he gets home so it's not fun to do stuff. He's upset that I am not happy and just doesn't understand depression. I try to hide it all and do my crying and moping while he's at work and Max is at school.
> I haven't had any me time in a year. I have only gotten 2 haircuts in that year because of time constraints. I have only been to 2 movies in that year because we don't have someone to watch the kids. I can honestly say that I have no friends other than my husband. So i'm very lonely.
> I would seek help but the deductible on our insurance isnt something we can afford right now.
> I have reverted to my cutting when it gets bad. My poor cat gets blamed when i have to explain the scratches all over my arm. I don't even know why i'm writing all this down. I just feel the need to get it out i guess.




Please, please, please talk to someone. Phone your Mom. Phone a crisis line. You need to get it out, Megan.

Maybe your husband can stay home one day from work so you can have a day where you pamper yourself. Get a haircut, get a massage. I think it's something you guys could manage.

Talk to SOMEONE. *big hug*


----------



## GenericGeek

Scorsese86 said:


> Also, a thing I am trying my best not to do is drink when I feel down. It's so easy to take a bottle of Jack Daniel's and drink, drink, drink when I feel down...



Sweet Jesus! Alcohol is about the WORST drug to do when depressed, legal or not. I strongly urge you to consider discussing a meds regime with your shrink; if you're already on meds, it may be time to try a new combination.

After years of being on buproprion (Wellbutrin), I began slipping into really black moods again. Finally, after 3 scary episodes of major depression in one year, I found a shrink, and we found some adjunct medications that seem to work.

Hang in there!


----------



## GenericGeek

Susannah said:


> I guess now is the time to just dive right in and tell everyone that I have been taking anti depressent medication since early December last year.
> 
> I was crying everyday, and anxious, and finding it hard to come to terms with this disease inside me.
> 
> I am feeling better now, and my days seem a little brighter, and things seem more hopeful.



Glad you're feeling better, darlin'!

With the help of a wonderful psychiatrist, my own "black dog" has been sent to obedience school. OK, maybe he hasn't exactly been _tamed_, but he's a bit easier to get on a leash (most of the time.) A combination regime of Prozac and Wellbutrin has really, really helped me.

One day at a time...


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## JenFromOC

HottiMegan said:


> I am struggling pretty hard with depression right now. I feel like i'm treading water but only my nose is above the water struggling to get air. I want to just stay in bed and read or watch tv but I have to get up and function and be in a reasonable mood for my boys. Alex gets scared when i'm sitting in my chair sobbing.
> I don't have a car during the day so I have no ability to go out and do stuff for myself. I have to wait until my husband gets home, and hes tired by the time he gets home so it's not fun to do stuff. He's upset that I am not happy and just doesn't understand depression. I try to hide it all and do my crying and moping while he's at work and Max is at school.
> I haven't had any me time in a year. I have only gotten 2 haircuts in that year because of time constraints. I have only been to 2 movies in that year because we don't have someone to watch the kids. I can honestly say that I have no friends other than my husband. So i'm very lonely.
> I would seek help but the deductible on our insurance isnt something we can afford right now.
> I have reverted to my cutting when it gets bad. My poor cat gets blamed when i have to explain the scratches all over my arm. I don't even know why i'm writing all this down. I just feel the need to get it out i guess.



Right now I am fighting Post Partum Depression. Same here, I hide my crying because my husband doesn't really believe there is anything wrong with me. I'm not good at reaching out to others, although I have seen my doctor. My meds aren't working...I just feel hopeless. You are not alone.


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## cheekyjez

I was first diagnosed with depression... ooh, about 10 years ago. 10 years before that my folks were concerned and sent me to a psychologist. (I'm 26.) Anxiety diagnosis followed about 7 years ago.

Tried various different medications, many of which did nothing for me. I don't respond to SSRIs at all. Effexor (Venlafaxine) worked for me a while back but not more recently. I'm currently on a cocktail of Wellbutrin (makes me able to function at all), Concerta (gets me out of bed in the morning), Zoloft (gives me the ability to experience pleasure), and Trazodone (gets me back to sleep at night). 

The point of taking all these meds is to put me in a place where I can rework my lifestyle. Do some cognitive behavior type exercises. Get some physical exercise. Make it out of bed and into work on time so I don't get fired. They're not the destination, they're the air in the tires.


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## Miss Vickie

JenFromOC said:


> Right now I am fighting Post Partum Depression. Same here, I hide my crying because my husband doesn't really believe there is anything wrong with me. I'm not good at reaching out to others, although I have seen my doctor. My meds aren't working...I just feel hopeless. You are not alone.



Jen, please go back and see your doctor again. Your husband's opinion notwithstanding, I'm a L&D and postpartum nurse and I can tell you that what you're feeling is very real and I know very painful and also very treatable. Just because the first medications you've been given aren't working doesn't mean you have to "suck it up" and go it alone. There are different medications they can try, but they can only help you if you get in touch with your doctor and get prescribed.

This isn't a character issue, or a will power issue or anything like that. It's a genuine medical condition caused by the crazy fluctuations in hormones after you have a baby. It's as real as a broken leg and deserves the same level of attention.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please keep seeking out help, regardless of what your husband has to say. Do this for you, and for your baby.


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## Jes

Jen, did your husband read (skim, pick up) a single baby book while you were pregnant? If so, then I assume he's heard that PPD is a well-known phenomenon. While I agree that you need to seek help through your doctor, maybe you should circle the chapter/section of the book that discusses PPD and hand it to Mr. Jen.


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## JenFromOC

Thanks everyone  My husband and I are both nurses, and both well aware that PPD is real. We also read every baby book together and decided to throw them in a bonfire LOL I already have an appointment with my doc to "fix" my medications...as most health care professionals, I am a terrible patient

I appreciate all of the support


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## Miss Vickie

Jen, I'm glad you're going to go get checked out. And yes, nurses are the WORST patients. Just ask any of my doctors.


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## BubbleButtBabe

Well I am now on the other side of depressed..I am angry..Not at anything or anyone in general I am just pissed off..I get this way when I have been really sad for a long time..I am going to stay in my house and try not to deal with anybody because I know I will hurt someone's feelings and I do not want to do that...I hate this almost as much as the depression,at least I do know how to deal with the depression but the anger scares the shit out of me...Urgh!!!! I hate my brain!


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## Miss Vickie

BBB, I do the same thing. I vary from depression, to anger, to depression. They say that "depression is anger turned inward" so maybe it's good that we're feeling the anger. But like you, I become afraid to say something for fear of hurting the ones I love (or worse, those I work with, or on).

I wish I had some answers, instead of just commiseration.


----------



## buttbooger

I too, suffer from depression. My diagnosis is Dysthimic disorder(um, cant spell it, sorry)-which is like a chronic depression. Also an anxiety disorder. I take meds, but the side effects just dont seem worth it sometimes, but I still keep trucking through. When I see dr on Monday (cuz of something else)-I'm going to request that he puts me on a different antidepressant while Im there. I think I "outgrew" the zoloft-been on that stuff since '03. I also suffer from PTSD from being in Iraq a few times while I was in the service. 
I fight this stuff by talking about it with my partners, through prayer, or see the doctor if things are not working. 
I find that I have to take things one day at a time most days. 
Things are only as impossible as they seem, that said, impossiblity is not absolute. If things seem crazy and out of hand, then I know its time to ask for help. 
Well, Im glad this thread is here. It educates others about how real depression is, and helps those of us with it come together for support.


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## BubbleButtBabe

When I was younger my anger phases came about a lot..It was so scary..I got so bad that one of my brothers suggested having me committed so they could find out what was wrong with me..I knew what was wrong but how can you explain to someone that does not have to deal with this never ending cycle? Now that I have added chronic pain in, I get to the end of my rope a lot faster then I did back then..

I am sorry buttbooger that you are having to deal with it all..I know talking and getting meds helps deal with it but sometimes people get tired of listening and begin to shut you out so it is better to keep it to yourself...


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## cherylharrell

And losing my dear sweet hubby in March to a heart attack made my depression from my diabetes worse...


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I am so sorry Cheryl...Grief on top of depression is a hard thing to live with.I know..It can be overcome with lots of talking and being angry and just letting everything out...

Tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of my Mom's death..It seems like yesterday...I miss her so much..I have a hard time dealing with it because of the things I had to do..Watching someone die from pancreatic cancer knowing there is nothing you can do is horrible and I do not wish it on anyone...


----------



## Sugar

This thread has been so helpful. Thanks everyone who has had the courage to post here.

I have slipped back into a pretty serious depression. The last one was in 2001 and I found my way out of it with medium term use. 

Last year at this time I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and over the past year medication has worked in the sense that I'm not immobile but my flares are often. Work has been working with me, but not without making me feel like I could be out the door any minute. 

Since September things have gotten worse and steroids were prescribed. They cause mood swings and it finally came to a head last night. I really felt like things would be better for everyone without me being sick in the picture. I finally pulled out of it today but that hasn't stopped the crying. 

I'm sure I could benefit from some antidepressants, but in the same stroke I feel like I don't want to take yet another drug. To make matters worse I feel like people are so wrapped up in themselves that I literally have no one to turn to. It's been a rough two months.


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## BubbleButtBabe

I am so sorry hon....Big hugsss to you..Please realize it is just the depression talking..Talk to the people in your life and explain to them that you have hit a really rough patch and need some support..I am willing to bet they will do everything they can to help you...If not then feel free to pm me and I will listen..


----------



## Sugar

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am so sorry hon....Big hugsss to you..Please realize it is just the depression talking..Talk to the people in your life and explain to them that you have hit a really rough patch and need some support..I am willing to bet they will do everything they can to help you...If not then feel free to pm me and I will listen..



Thank you so much.


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## Surlysomething

I'm trying hard not to fall into a huge pit of despair right now.
I hope I don't lose.


----------



## Sugar

Surlysomething said:


> I'm trying hard not to fall into a huge pit of despair right now.
> I hope I don't lose.



((((Hug))))

I will hope for you too. I'm pretty scared of the pit myself.


----------



## Surlysomething

Sugar said:


> ((((Hug))))
> 
> I will hope for you too. I'm pretty scared of the pit myself.



Thank you. 

I have zero energy and really don't care to do anything. But I do. I wish I could do more but i'm pretty happy when I just make it out of bed.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I have zero energy and really don't care to do anything. But I do. I wish I could do more but i'm pretty happy when I just make it out of bed.



I hate the soul sucking that is depression. I remember feeling like I was breathing broken glass, I hurt that much. It was an awful time in my life, and I hope never to return, though I know it could happen at any time. 

Surlysomething, I hope you pull out of this soon. I know it's incredibly painful, and hard to live with; I trust/hope that you're getting help and that if you need more help you'll ask. The meds aren't perfect and sometimes they have to adjust them but they can be a huge help.

And Sugar, I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope it continues to be an upward direction your mood takes. Chronic illness itself, and the medications they place us on, can really do a lot to ruin our emotional well being. Just being in pain is depressing, and add to it all the rest that goes with RA and I can imagine it must be hard. I'm sorry you struggle with this.


----------



## Sugar

Miss Vickie said:


> And Sugar, I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope it continues to be an upward direction your mood takes. Chronic illness itself, and the medications they place us on, can really do a lot to ruin our emotional well being. Just being in pain is depressing, and add to it all the rest that goes with RA and I can imagine it must be hard. I'm sorry you struggle with this.



Thanks Vickie. It's been a tough road but its always helpful to know there are people who understand what chronic illness can do to your general mood and life plans.


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## Paquito

My depression is making me paranoid, and my paranoia is making me depressed.

I feel like...like sometimes, my roommates will be hanging out in our living room, and I'm stuck in my room uninvited. Like I'd be a burden if I went out and talked to them, like they don't care if I'm around or not.


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## BubbleButtBabe

I am so sorry free(((hugs))))....Make yourself go out and talk to your roommates..I know it is hard but that bit of interaction may be what you need at this point...


----------



## bigjayne66

free2beme04 said:


> My depression is making me paranoid, and my paranoia is making me depressed.
> 
> I feel like...like sometimes, my roommates will be hanging out in our living room, and I'm stuck in my room uninvited. Like I'd be a burden if I went out and talked to them, like they don't care if I'm around or not.



I live alone and I hate being a burden on others,and whats more I can't go out alone due to mobility issues,and the local youths used to jeer at me when I could go to the shops on my own,as if they hadn't seen a fat ass before... Being indoors I feel trapped,and depressed,but it is also my safe haven..


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## KHayes666

I've never been clinically depressed, but there have been several points in the last few years I've sank into a pit of despair.

I turned to painkillers to numb myself over the course of last winter and it turned me into a monster. It took me months just to dig myself out of that hole and only recently have I dug myself out of the pit I put myself in originally. Hell, i'm STILL digging and not quite there yet...but my recent attitude adjustment is making things easier.

My only advice is to keep your heads up, all of you. Getting down on yourself only makes things worse, believe me. If you maintain a positive attitude, something good will happen. I used to get jealous and angry at my friends and ex-friends when they'd pop up with engagement, marriage and pregnancy announcements. Now I look at them with a smile because that could be me someday, which I NEVER had that mindset before.

Everyone has something to live for, use that as a crutch to pull yourself out of whatever pit you're in. Do something to change your life no matter how drastic it is, maybe it'll work.

I used to post "life sucks" kind of messages on Dims and people told me to shut the fuck up and get over it....well I'm not about to do that. To those that have problems with depression, I say keep your heads up and look for ways to improve your life no matter how outlandish or far off they are.


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## BubbleButtBabe

Never mind because right now I am to pissed....I have to go cool off.....


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## BubbleButtBabe

KHayes666 said:


> <snip>I've never been clinically depressed, but there have been several points in the last few years I've sank into a pit of despair.
> 
> I say keep your heads up and look for ways to improve your life no matter how outlandish or far off they are.



Ok now that I am calm I can answer this...Clinical depression is not just a phase you go through where you are down and blue for a short while..It lasts years...It is completely debilitating,it sinks you so low there is nothing that you can care about..It takes away your will to live and your will to really want to get better..It is a illness not a condition or something you are just going through at the time..Part of your brain is not working like it should..

Telling someone going through depression to "keep their heads up" or to "maintain a positive attitude" is about as worthless of a statement that I have ever read..Look for ways to improve your life?? Good grief,some of the people that have had the worse depression and have committed suicide have had all that life has to offer so that was just as bad as the rest..Everyone has something to live for? People in severe depression do not see that...Do something to change your life,even if it is drastic it might work? Like what? Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger? I would say that is pretty drastic..Or maybe down this bottle of pills I have sitting on my table..Think that might do it?

What you did can never compare to real depression..You were being an idiot and using drugs to get through life..Doesn't work does it? I am glad once you stopped being an idiot you were able to climb out of your pit and see the good in life once again..Hooray for you! Since you have never been clinically depressed I would suggest next time keep your advice to yourself..


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## Sugar

BubbleButtBabe said:


> Ok now that I am calm I can answer this...Clinical depression is not just a phase you go through where you are down and blue for a short while..It lasts years...It is completely debilitating,it sinks you so low there is nothing that you can care about..It takes away your will to live and your will to really want to get better..It is a illness not a condition or something you are just going through at the time..Part of your brain is not working like it should..
> 
> Telling someone going through depression to "keep their heads up" or to "maintain a positive attitude" is about as worthless of a statement that I have ever read..Look for ways to improve your life?? Good grief,some of the people that have had the worse depression and have committed suicide have had all that life has to offer so that was just as bad as the rest..Everyone has something to live for? People in severe depression do not see that...Do something to change your life,even if it is drastic it might work? Like what? Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger? I would say that is pretty drastic..Or maybe down this bottle of pills I have sitting on my table..Think that might do it?
> 
> What you did can never compare to real depression..You were being an idiot and using drugs to get through life..Doesn't work does it? I am glad once you stopped being an idiot you were able to climb out of your pit and see the good in life once again..Hooray for you! Since you have never been clinically depressed I would suggest next time keep your advice to yourself..



Agreed and thank you.


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## KHayes666

I handled that wrong, very very wrong. I apologize


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## escapist

Just wanna toss my 2 cents in. I'm oddly enough against meds for depression. Back when I was having a hard time I was practically begging for them. I was told to exercise, I was asked to commit to a minimum of 3 days a week at 20 minutes. I started doing it and it really did help. I was then told for optimum health (mental and physical) I should walk 30 minutes to 1 hour a day. I started doing it and it made a HUGE difference. Yeah I dropped about 40 lbs but the bigger change was how I LOVED getting outside and just seeing the sunlight in the trees and having a space for my mind to let go and my body to just work and breath.

My reason for being against meds is all the people I've known to get meds for depression became dependent on the meds for "Happiness" which wasn't lasting happiness. It was only a medicated happy. Instead of learning to deal with the issues causing unhappiness they just buried themselves in a medicated denial of truly living life and enjoying the little things (like sun in the trees and fresh air).

I do advocate getting professional help if someone needs it. I would not be who I am without the guidance of well informed and thoughtful people.


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## Frankie

escapist said:


> My reason for being against meds is all the people I've known to get meds for depression became dependent on the meds for "Happiness" which wasn't lasting happiness. It was only a medicated happy. Instead of learning to deal with the issues causing unhappiness they just buried themselves in a medicated denial of truly living life and enjoying the little things (like sun in the trees and fresh air).



In all due respect, this is a naive opinion.

In my experience, anti-depressants never made me happy (or anyone else whom I know who took them), and I've tried many different anti-depressants over the years. In fact, I think any health professional would tell you not to expect meds to make you happy because that is absolutely not what they do. They just don't. They CAN'T. What they can do is help take the edge off (say, maybe help you not to feel so overwhelmed and helpless) so that you're in a better mental space to work through your problems - maybe allow a chink in the depression to let a ray of sunshine and hope in. The point of meds is not to cover up problems so you can avoid working through them. They can help put people in a better place to work through problems. Meds never covered up the issues I had to cope with, but they did help me survive (in a very basic way) a few very rough periods. And some folks have chemical imbalances that just need meds and there's no shame in that. We don't feel ashamed to take aspirin to help a headache; why should we feel ashamed to take meds to help with emotional issues? It's kind of like diabetes: you do what you can on your own to help the situation, but you might also need meds to help, too. I feel that your post implies that there's something wrong with taking medication for depression when, under the guidance of a health professional, there isn't. Mental issues are very personal, and there's no one right way to cope with them. There's a wide spectrum of depression, and not everyone is prescribed meds (and not everyone should be). I'm just tired of various stigmas being associated with mental health issues - e.g., depression is "ok," but only if you find a way out of it on your own because there's something inferior about using meds to ease the way.


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## Miss Vickie

Frankie said:


> In all due respect, this is a naive opinion.
> 
> In my experience, anti-depressants never made me happy (or anyone else whom I know who took them), and I've tried many different anti-depressants over the years. In fact, I think any health professional would tell you not to expect meds to make you happy because that is absolutely not what they do. They just don't. They CAN'T. What they can do is help take the edge off (say, maybe help you not to feel so overwhelmed and helpless) so that you're in a better mental space to work through your problems - maybe allow a chink in the depression to let a ray of sunshine and hope in. The point of meds is not to cover up problems so you can avoid working through them. They can help put people in a better place to work through problems. Meds never covered up the issues I had to cope with, but they did help me survive (in a very basic way) a few very rough periods. And some folks have chemical imbalances that just need meds and there's no shame in that. We don't feel ashamed to take aspirin to help a headache; why should we feel ashamed to take meds to help with emotional issues? It's kind of like diabetes: you do what you can on your own to help the situation, but you might also need meds to help, too. I feel that your post implies that there's something wrong with taking medication for depression when, under the guidance of a health professional, there isn't. Mental issues are very personal, and there's no one right way to cope with them. There's a wide spectrum of depression, and not everyone is prescribed meds (and not everyone should be). I'm just tired of various stigmas being associated with mental health issues - e.g., depression is "ok," but only if you find a way out of it on your own because there's something inferior about using meds to ease the way.



Quoted for truthiness. People can't just will themselves out of true, clinical and deep depression with exercise. For those of us who have suffered it, the very idea of exercising, or doing anything at all, is like asking for the moon. We just cannot do it. There is no pulling one's self up by the bootstraps because there are no bootstraps when you're clinically depressed.

As you mention, what medications do is give us a little bit of space between the emotion/compulsion and our reaction to it in order to think or act our way out of it. I took Zoloft for depression/self injury, not because I wasn't happy, and dog knows the Zoloft didn't make me happy. It actually made me numb, but numb was a world better than feeling such intense emotional pain that I physically felt like I was breathing broken glass. That numbness gave me a little bit of... perspective, maybe? ... so that when the urge to hurt myself or the pain started to overwhelm me I could make conscious choices to pull or think my way out of it. It gave me the metaphorical bootstraps with which to pull myself up. Without it, I hate to think what could have happened to me.

And no, I did not become dependent on the meds to be "happy". I took them for awhile during which time I did the very difficult work in therapy to help me re-train my thoughts and belief patterns and learn new ways to cope with my childhood traumas and the reverberations they caused in my adult life. Once I worked through my childhood trauma, I was able to be weaned off of them. I hated them, so I was more than happy to try flying solo, and am happy to say that I'm able to get by without them. However, lots of people do need them for life because they have a particular brain chemistry that doesn't produce enough or can't utilize brain hormones and so they physically "can't" be anything but depressed or compulsive without help. Those are people who need medication so that they CAN do the cognitive work that can hopefully help them. 

Yes, I do think that doctors are too quick sometimes to prescribe medications for the blues. But I think that's more in part an issue of our unreasonable expectations to be happy... have quick fixes... and basically live A Very Brady Life which sets us up for feeling like failures when we're sad or frustrated or worried or nervous or lonely. But that's a whole other thing than clinical depression when a person can't get out of bed, can't shower, can't care for themselves. There is no "willing" yourself to get better. There is only reaching out for help and hoping someone is there to help.


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## escapist

*Frankie*, I think you miss-read me or something. 

I said: "I'm oddly enough against meds for depression. Back when I was having a hard time I was practically begging for them."

I also said: "I do advocate getting professional help if someone needs it. I would not be who I am without the guidance of well informed and thoughtful people. "

and: "...all the people I've known to get meds for depression...they just buried themselves in a medicated denial of truly living life..."

To which you said: "I feel that your post implies that there's something wrong with taking medication for depression when, under the guidance of a health professional, there isn't."

You would be incorrect if you think I am implying some sort of moral value statement attached to my personal evaluation of the matter. I have long since begun the transformation of removing terms such as good or evil from my mind. They have been replaced with something more akin to the terms of constructive or destructive. Under that mode of thinking (aka the way I think); perhaps you can see my view of how people who only medicate, as not being truly constructive. Especially when all those whom I have personally known in treatment (besides myself) did very little for themselves other than just pop a pill and complain that the world still sucks.

By the way you may think I'm crazy but yeah I do avoid taking medication for headaches as well. I only do it when I absolutely must. I spent so much of my life heavily medicated I often go through moments of time where I wish to never be altered by such things again. I do not relish the years I spent as a zombie feeling little to no emotion all so I could be conformed to what society found acceptable. 

So for me personally, I see no value in medication that is not accompanied with serious intent and work to work in tandem with meds or to remove dependency upon medication. I am well aware there are instances where the physiology of the brain is simply as such that requires a physical component to be adjusted. Like a computer that needs a new CPU, but for instances where it is not physical or an appropriate level of behavioral conditioning can be applied to compensate, I believe that is the appropriate response. Like upgrading the software or installing a patch to make your computer work around the hardware fault.

Did that clear it up? If not just keep it simple like I do: Constructive/Destructive. I believe in constructive choices and options, I just don't always see them or make them. I am still after all, only human. 

_Finaly: Forgive me for not adding the clause of, "I'm oddly enough against *only* meds for depression". I often do not proof-read my own post._


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## escapist

Miss Vickie said:


> Yes, I do think that doctors are too quick sometimes to prescribe medications for the blues. But I think that's more in part an issue of our unreasonable expectations to be happy... have quick fixes... and basically live A Very Brady Life which sets us up for feeling like failures when we're sad or frustrated or worried or nervous or lonely. But that's a whole other thing than clinical depression when a person can't get out of bed, can't shower, can't care for themselves. There is no "willing" yourself to get better. There is only reaching out for help and hoping someone is there to help.



That's EXACTLY what I was talking about. I got lucky and when I reached out my Dr. told me, "No meds, come with me I need to take my afternoon walk we can do your session in the park". He was a smart sneaky guy. He got me to elevate my endorphins, stop thinking about the things I was depressed about, and move on with my life. 

The hardest lesson learned though was how much time and effort it really takes. Even now (years later) I fight with myself, but I have my examples of the past to prove to me that just giving myself simply physical tasks like going outside for a walk can make things better. Its like knowing the sun will rise each new day. I'm not always perfect with it, but I do my best to get out 3-5x a week. Sometimes those are the only days I even get out of my house, but I always feel better about myself and my universe just by doing it.


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## BubbleButtBabe

Frankie said:


> In all due respect, this is a naive opinion.
> 
> In my experience, anti-depressants never made me happy (or anyone else whom I know who took them), and I've tried many different anti-depressants over the years. In fact, I think any health professional would tell you not to expect meds to make you happy because that is absolutely not what they do. They just don't. They CAN'T. What they can do is help take the edge off (say, maybe help you not to feel so overwhelmed and helpless) so that you're in a better mental space to work through your problems - maybe allow a chink in the depression to let a ray of sunshine and hope in. The point of meds is not to cover up problems so you can avoid working through them. They can help put people in a better place to work through problems. Meds never covered up the issues I had to cope with, but they did help me survive (in a very basic way) a few very rough periods. And some folks have chemical imbalances that just need meds and there's no shame in that. We don't feel ashamed to take aspirin to help a headache; why should we feel ashamed to take meds to help with emotional issues? It's kind of like diabetes: you do what you can on your own to help the situation, but you might also need meds to help, too. I feel that your post implies that there's something wrong with taking medication for depression when, under the guidance of a health professional, there isn't. Mental issues are very personal, and there's no one right way to cope with them. There's a wide spectrum of depression, and not everyone is prescribed meds (and not everyone should be). I'm just tired of various stigmas being associated with mental health issues - e.g., depression is "ok," but only if you find a way out of it on your own because there's something inferior about using meds to ease the way.





Miss Vickie said:


> Quoted for truthiness. People can't just will themselves out of true, clinical and deep depression with exercise. For those of us who have suffered it, the very idea of exercising, or doing anything at all, is like asking for the moon. We just cannot do it. There is no pulling one's self up by the bootstraps because there are no bootstraps when you're clinically depressed.
> 
> As you mention, what medications do is give us a little bit of space between the emotion/compulsion and our reaction to it in order to think or act our way out of it. I took Zoloft for depression/self injury, not because I wasn't happy, and dog knows the Zoloft didn't make me happy. It actually made me numb, but numb was a world better than feeling such intense emotional pain that I physically felt like I was breathing broken glass. That numbness gave me a little bit of... perspective, maybe? ... so that when the urge to hurt myself or the pain started to overwhelm me I could make conscious choices to pull or think my way out of it. It gave me the metaphorical bootstraps with which to pull myself up. Without it, I hate to think what could have happened to me.
> 
> And no, I did not become dependent on the meds to be "happy". I took them for awhile during which time I did the very difficult work in therapy to help me re-train my thoughts and belief patterns and learn new ways to cope with my childhood traumas and the reverberations they caused in my adult life. Once I worked through my childhood trauma, I was able to be weaned off of them. I hated them, so I was more than happy to try flying solo, and am happy to say that I'm able to get by without them. However, lots of people do need them for life because they have a particular brain chemistry that doesn't produce enough or can't utilize brain hormones and so they physically "can't" be anything but depressed or compulsive without help. Those are people who need medication so that they CAN do the cognitive work that can hopefully help them.
> 
> Yes, I do think that doctors are too quick sometimes to prescribe medications for the blues. But I think that's more in part an issue of our unreasonable expectations to be happy... have quick fixes... and basically live A Very Brady Life which sets us up for feeling like failures when we're sad or frustrated or worried or nervous or lonely. But that's a whole other thing than clinical depression when a person can't get out of bed, can't shower, can't care for themselves. There is no "willing" yourself to get better. There is only reaching out for help and hoping someone is there to help.



Thank you both..


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## cheekyjez

I'm having a really tough time at the moment. I get stuck in the morning and go into work later and later. Then when I'm in the office I don't do anything. My schedule is fairly flexible at the moment so I haven't got into any trouble with my boss, but I don't think I'll continue to get away with it.


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## escapist

cheekyjez said:


> I'm having a really tough time at the moment. I get stuck in the morning and go into work later and later. Then when I'm in the office I don't do anything. My schedule is fairly flexible at the moment so I haven't got into any trouble with my boss, but I don't think I'll continue to get away with it.



I found free-time to be my enemy when it comes to this subject. When I finally got to the point of working out 2x a day I really saw a benefit from having a schedule to get me up and get the blood moving early in the AM. Weekends were always hard though, cause even if you can't you shouldn't workout every single day...so I will still have to battle that 1 day a week of ...NOTHING....


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## BubbleButtBabe

cheekyjez said:


> I'm having a really tough time at the moment. I get stuck in the morning and go into work later and later. Then when I'm in the office I don't do anything. My schedule is fairly flexible at the moment so I haven't got into any trouble with my boss, but I don't think I'll continue to get away with it.




I am so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time..Have you talked to some one about this? A medical professional?


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## BubbleButtBabe

I went in to talk to my therapist earlier this week about how I was feeling about some news I had gotten...Most of the other ones I have seen always let me talk it out and then we discuss it but this lady didn't..Between the interrupting telephone calls and her wanting to do most of the talking much was not settled in my mind..She did say something I had to laugh about when I left..She told me to go and get my girl on..Meaning I needed to get out and do stuff I might enjoy....She could not understand how I could truly enjoy being alone..How my own company did not bother me..It seemed totally foreign to her that I did not want nor need to be around a lot of people..My happiness is doing what I enjoy either with someone else or alone..I could not make her understand that I have a phobia of large crowds..She just kept pushing that I needed to be out and around others,even if it made me uncomfortable..I am going to make another appointment to talk to her again soon..I just hope we get to talk and her phones do not keep ringing..She kept saying being out and about would help cure some of my depression...Of course none of that is true but it was interesting listening to her trying to tell me that would solve a lot of the problems I was having...


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## KHayes666

Will someone delete my post from earlier? I posted an apologetic post after the one I made and it got deleted, so rather than keep the other one up and make me look like a jackass....can the mod delete that too?


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## Ernest Nagel

Posted separately on the health board. Just fyi here: Common drugs may only help severe depression http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/06/health/views/06depress.html


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## BubbleButtBabe

I saw that report...I agree for mild forms of depression most do not help....Personally I do not think Prozac helps at all....First med I ever took that made me think I was loosing my mind...I kept hearing voices and seeing things when I was taking it...Stopped in the middle of the first month and never took it again...


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## thatgirl08

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I went in to talk to my therapist earlier this week about how I was feeling about some news I had gotten...Most of the other ones I have seen always let me talk it out and then we discuss it but this lady didn't..Between the interrupting telephone calls and her wanting to do most of the talking much was not settled in my mind..She did say something I had to laugh about when I left..She told me to go and get my girl on..Meaning I needed to get out and do stuff I might enjoy....She could not understand how I could truly enjoy being alone..How my own company did not bother me..It seemed totally foreign to her that I did not want nor need to be around a lot of people..My happiness is doing what I enjoy either with someone else or alone..I could not make her understand that I have a phobia of large crowds..She just kept pushing that I needed to be out and around others,even if it made me uncomfortable..I am going to make another appointment to talk to her again soon..I just hope we get to talk and her phones do not keep ringing..She kept saying being out and about would help cure some of my depression...Of course none of that is true but it was interesting listening to her trying to tell me that would solve a lot of the problems I was having...



Any therapist that talks more than you do, is not a good therapist. Also, never have I been to a therapist that let her phone ring all the time.. it's unprofessional and rude. I don't know the details of your situation but from what you've said, it seems like you'd be way better off finding a different person to go to. It takes a lot of trial and error, imo, to find the right person. I've seen probably around 10 therapists or psychiatrists in my life and I only ever connected with one.


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## Adrian

I have struggled with clinical depression for 9½ years! My case was so bad it disabled me back in May of 2000. I was forced to retire due to this disability, after thirty-four years in semiconductors.
I can only be in small groups of people without being stressed. I even have trouble with large groups of love ones.
In the past on Thanksgiving, I have had to take a break and spend time (about a half hour) by myself. Only family was at the dinner, my wife, five children, eleven grandchildren and, my "in-law children."
After the half hour, I could be with my family with no further problems. I avoid confrontations unless, I am standing up for my wife. In those instances, I tend to over reacting to strong.


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## Surlysomething

Depression: 1
Tina : 0


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## Paquito

It took one small thing for me to just spiral down again. I'm sick of this depression and paranoia over every little thing in my life.


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## largenlovely

I only read through a few of the posts and noticed these...sorry for cutting y'alls posts up..just didn't want to have a buttload of posts on the response lol

I didn't realize so many felt that way about anti depressants. Granted, in the way back when my brother died they tried to put me on prozac and i reacted really badly towards it and refused to take them. Recently my doc put me on an anti depressant and i told him to make sure it wasn't in the same family as prozac and i have been doing fabulous on it ...I'm so greatful it works for me. 

Now, my best friend is bipolar and on Zoloft and she's been on it a very long time..they tried to switch her to something else when the Zoloft didn't help her as much as it used to and she wound up making a visit to the local psych ward...so i know it's gotta be really scary trying to see if a medication works for you. She's too scared to try something else now and the Zoloft just doesn't seem to be working for her anymore. 

I guess i don't have any answers lol...but medication will work for some people. I think i've probably been depressed since my brother died when i was 18 but became very depressed after my leg injury a few years ago and just continued to spiral downwards. I think the medication has helped me feel good enough to start taking back control of my life..because i'd felt so out of control. I'm hoping that once i get fully back on track that i can stop them and will be ok. Though, they've helped me so much that i NEVER want to go back to the way i had previously been feeling..so..if i gotta take them the rest of my life then i'm ok with that too.




Mishty said:


> I've noticed no one has mentioned medications and I'm glad!





Butterbelly said:


> I've talked to my doctor about it and she wants to put me on antidepressants, but I seriously don't want to take them.





No-No-Badkitty said:


> When I was younger and having a problem with depression the doctors put me on antidepressants and it was not a pretty sight. Apparently I react pretty badly too them.


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## largenlovely

oh and i also wanted to add..and i know this isn't for everyone..

but trying to develop a more spiritual relationship with my maker has also helped me a lot. I've found that sometimes if i feel hopeless in my situation i can always have hope in God.

Though i suppose that would be bad advice for someone who might be an Atheist lol...but just trying to mention the things that have helped me


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## thatgirl08

I've always been extremely resistant to taking any kind of medication. I won't even take asprin anymore unless I REALLY need it. No one really "gets" me on this but I just hate the idea of taking medicine unless I've tried every other thing I know of first or I have no other choice. I used to down asprin and pepto bismol (to deal with chronic headaches and lactose intolerance symptoms before I knew I was lactose intolerant) like it was no big deal but then I realized that there was no way it could be good for my body to processing that much medication all the time. So now, mostly medication free. That said, there are times when medication is your only option or your best option. 

When my doctor first proposed antidepressants, I was in 8th grade and I was like hell no because to me at that point, it was like.. a "cheaters way out." I ended up taking Prozac for about a year in high school and hated it. I hated the medication, and it didn't help much but it helped enough that I could keep myself alive. I was off the medication for awhile and my depression had decreased significantly but then I ended up having a break down due to anxiety and thus I started having panic attacks all the time and developed agoraphobia. I stopped seeing my friends. I stopped going out to eat or to the mall. I stopped going to school. It got to the point where I was having trouble leaving the confines of my bedroom. I had no option but to take medication because it was ruining my life. I started taking Paxil. It wasn't a miracle drug but it got me under control enough that I could start making progress. I struggled through senior year (after missing a good month and half of junior year) and finally graduated. Now that I more or less have my anxiety/panic and depression under control, I've stopped taking the medication. I stopped in early December.. I was on it for about a year and a half. I understand everyones hatred of meds, seriously I do. Prozac made me feel like a zombie and Paxil all but killed my sex drive for the first six months (and anytime they changed the dosage) but I wouldn't have done it differently because frankly, without the medication I'd probably be unable to come out of my house.. not going to college.. not having a job.. not even graduated from high school.. and possibly dead. It shouldn't be your first option and maybe it won't be the best option for your particular situation but don't eliminate it straight off the bat because it can help a lot of people get to the point that therapy and lifestyle changes can do the rest.


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## Scorsese86

largenlovely said:


> oh and i also wanted to add..and i know this isn't for everyone..
> 
> but trying to develop a more spiritual relationship with my maker has also helped me a lot. I've found that sometimes if i feel hopeless in my situation i can always have hope in God.
> 
> Though i suppose that would be bad advice for someone who might be an Atheist lol...but just trying to mention the things that have helped me



Very good post, and I agree with you!


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## shadowmaker87

depression is a disease thts affect millions of people! if u really need help with depression ; call a friend; tlk it out , dont let it build it up inside of u ; cause if u do , u will reget it for the rest of ur lives and ur family n friends will suffer n have to ask themselves.. the "?" on why didn't u get help for it!!! People love u , u might not know it but they do ! if u have a hobby ; do something tht u like doing, and stick to it ! don't let this disease get u down !


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## Scorsese86

shadowmaker87 said:


> depression is a disease thts affect millions of people! if u really need help with depression ; call a friend; tlk it out , dont let it build it up inside of u ; cause if u do , u will reget it for the rest of ur lives and ur family n friends will suffer n have to ask themselves.. the "?" on why didn't u get help for it!!! People love u , u might not know it but they do ! if u have a hobby ; do something tht u like doing, and stick to it ! don't let this disease get u down !



I think one of the problems with my depression is that I don't have any friends to call. I am very good at keeping people at a distance, so much as possible. So I can't pick up the phone and call a friend. But I do have a wonderful mom I can talk with, but it's not everything that's comfortable discussing with your mom, also...


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## Surlysomething

I do the best I can every day. This has been one of the most trying times of my life and i'm very thankful for the love and kindness of my family and friends, online and in real life. IT IS OK TO REACH OUT. Don't forget that.


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## GTAFA

The idea of gratitude is really central to my attitude (ha that rhymes...)

But seriously, i was taught to find 5 things daily that i am grateful for and to think on them, as a kind of meditation. We are as lucky as we believe, particularly if we remember to count our "blessings" (word in quotes because without a creator, the notion of a blessing becomes a metaphor). If you're a believer, you may treat the blessings as genuine and don't use the quotation marks.


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## luscious_lulu

I've been on Anti depressants for over 10 years. Without them I'd probably be dead. For sure, I wouldn't be able to lead a normal life. ( work, friends, etc...)


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## Falling Boy

I am bi-polar depressive so I know where you are coming from. I am on a whole host of meds and there are days where I feel like just stoping them all together because it doesn't seem to be doing anything. But then I have good days too. It is just a matter of finding the right combination of therapy and medication that works well for you.


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## desertcheeseman

As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety for pretty much all his adult life, and who has taken every antidepressant in the Physician's Desk Reference, I can tell you that pills can only numb the pain. They aren't a magic bullet; they won't make your life better or short-circuit all the triggers and distorted thoughts that bring on depressive episodes, panic attacks, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, and all those other mental nasties that make our lives miserable. I learned this the hard way; I was prescribed Paxil being led to believe by my psychiatrist and those very convincing TV commercials that it was charisma in pill form and would cure me of my shyness and ineptitude with women. I took it for a year and I was no more sociable than I was before. In fact, I was less so because it made me sleepy all the time and I would retreat to bed rather than hang out with people. And I was still miserable because I kept telling myself I was no good and that nobody liked me, and I was too afraid to do the work that would prove myself wrong. 

To beat depression, you have to do the work. You have to keep telling yourself that you are loved and valued, whether or not you believe it. You have to have faith in yourself and set goals for the future, regardless of how crappy your life seems at the moment. You have to reach out to people and hang out with them long enough to realize that they're not all out to get you and that you are worthy of being loved. And whenever negative or distorted thoughts come out of the dark recesses of your mind, you have to fight them with truth and good humor. Fighting depression requires feats of strength and willpower to do things that most people take for granted. Like the guy in Memento who had to write his whole life down on Post-it notes because he couldn't form new memories, sometimes you have to continually remind yourself that the world is a pretty decent place, that you are a worthy and loved person, and the waitress isn't going to yell at you if you ask for more ketchup.

But the battle is worth it. I spent four years of my life barricaded inside my parents' house, afraid to even venture out the front door. When other people my age were getting married and building their careers, I locked myself in my room and could not deal with life. But I had an awesome support group of friends and counselors and online communities who managed to talk me out of my trouble spots and gave me reasons to keep on living. I would literally not be alive today if it weren't for one particular friend who kept listening and responding in good humor to all of my depression-fueled rants and showing me that I was indeed a good man and worthy of life. And now, I'm more or less gainfully employed in a career that has led me to living in two national parks and adventures I would have never dreamed having before. I've climbed mountains, I've made friends with people from all over the world, I've gone on amazing dates with wonderful women, I'm halfway through writing my first novel... I'm living my life and I'm not turning back. 

This doesn't mean I don't have to keep fighting my depression. It stalks me and hounds me like a wolf in the night and will consume me if I let it. But I exercise, I eat right, I give myself good positive self-talk, I stay involved in my community, I continue to be unrelentingly and unashamedly honest with myself and those around me, and I choose not to give into fear and self-loathing. I meet my own needs and avoid things that cause undue stress in my life. It's hard, and some days I don't always win. But it's worth it. You have so much to offer to this world... please don't give in.


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## nettie

desertcheeseman said:


> As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety for pretty much all his adult life, and who has taken every antidepressant in the Physician's Desk Reference, I can tell you that pills can only numb the pain. They aren't a magic bullet; they won't make your life better or short-circuit all the triggers and distorted thoughts that bring on depressive episodes, panic attacks, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, and all those other mental nasties that make our lives miserable. I learned this the hard way; I was prescribed Paxil being led to believe by my psychiatrist and those very convincing TV commercials that it was charisma in pill form and would cure me of my shyness and ineptitude with women. I took it for a year and I was no more sociable than I was before. In fact, I was less so because it made me sleepy all the time and I would retreat to bed rather than hang out with people. And I was still miserable because I kept telling myself I was no good and that nobody liked me, and I was too afraid to do the work that would prove myself wrong.
> 
> To beat depression, you have to do the work. You have to keep telling yourself that you are loved and valued, whether or not you believe it. You have to have faith in yourself and set goals for the future, regardless of how crappy your life seems at the moment. You have to reach out to people and hang out with them long enough to realize that they're not all out to get you and that you are worthy of being loved. And whenever negative or distorted thoughts come out of the dark recesses of your mind, you have to fight them with truth and good humor. Fighting depression requires feats of strength and willpower to do things that most people take for granted. Like the guy in Memento who had to write his whole life down on Post-it notes because he couldn't form new memories, sometimes you have to continually remind yourself that the world is a pretty decent place, that you are a worthy and loved person, and the waitress isn't going to yell at you if you ask for more ketchup.
> 
> But the battle is worth it. I spent four years of my life barricaded inside my parents' house, afraid to even venture out the front door. When other people my age were getting married and building their careers, I locked myself in my room and could not deal with life. But I had an awesome support group of friends and counselors and online communities who managed to talk me out of my trouble spots and gave me reasons to keep on living. I would literally not be alive today if it weren't for one particular friend who kept listening and responding in good humor to all of my depression-fueled rants and showing me that I was indeed a good man and worthy of life. And now, I'm more or less gainfully employed in a career that has led me to living in two national parks and adventures I would have never dreamed having before. I've climbed mountains, I've made friends with people from all over the world, I've gone on amazing dates with wonderful women, I'm halfway through writing my first novel... I'm living my life and I'm not turning back.
> 
> This doesn't mean I don't have to keep fighting my depression. It stalks me and hounds me like a wolf in the night and will consume me if I let it. But I exercise, I eat right, I give myself good positive self-talk, I stay involved in my community, I continue to be unrelentingly and unashamedly honest with myself and those around me, and I choose not to give into fear and self-loathing. I meet my own needs and avoid things that cause undue stress in my life. It's hard, and some days I don't always win. But it's worth it. You have so much to offer to this world... please don't give in.



Beautifully stated. Thank you so much for sharing your story.


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## Surlysomething

desertcheeseman said:


> I can tell you that pills can only numb the pain. They aren't a magic bullet; they won't make your life better or short-circuit all the triggers and distorted thoughts that bring on depressive episodes, panic attacks, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, and all those other mental nasties that make our lives miserable.



Thanks for sharing. I do have to say that the above statement is only based on your experience. Medication works wonders for MANY people.


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## HottiMegan

I have a question for you people who might be in the know. Does bipolar depression have to have euphoric highs and manic lows to actually be bipolar? I have suffered from depression since i was an adolescent. I am beginning to wonder if it might be more than just straight up depression for me. I don't have super happy high times. I go from normal, somewhat happy to my lows where i am just a lump on the couch with barely enough energy to keep my eyes open. I do not feel out of control other than the inability to claw my way out of the lows sometimes. i do not do extremes at all. I am asking because the lows are getting lower lately and don't know if i have progressed into something different. Manic depression (as my mom puts it) runs in my family on my maternal side.
I should be happy and elated that i just got a new computer, my kids are over a nasty flu bug and my apartment is pretty darned clean. But all i can do is wallow in this funk. I am not to the point of hurting myself or even thinking about it, so that's a plus. I just want to feel normal again.


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## NYCGabriel

I suffer from cyclothymia. I tried to cope with it. Group therapy, one on one therapy, talking to friends, trying new activities. Nothing seems to work. Last year I endured the latest in a string of emotionally devastating incidents. It left me so distraught and in so much emotional pain, I got physically ill for most of the summer. It's not as bad as last spring/summer but the pain is still there. I don't know what to do anymore.  It's just so hard.


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## Risible

NYCGabriel said:


> I suffer from cyclothymia. I tried to cope with it. Group therapy, one on one therapy, talking to friends, trying new activities. Nothing seems to work. Last year I endured the latest in a string of emotionally devastating incidents. It left me so distraught and in so much emotional pain, I got physically ill for most of the summer. It's not as bad as last spring/summer but the pain is still there. I don't know what to do anymore.  It's just so hard.



I'm sorry to hear this, Gabriel. You're not alone.


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## NYCGabriel

Risible said:


> I'm sorry to hear this, Gabriel. You're not alone.



that actually cheered me up, lol


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## desertcheeseman

Risible said:


> I'm sorry to hear this, Gabriel. You're not alone.
> 
> 
> NYCGabriel said:
> 
> 
> 
> that actually cheered me up, lol
Click to expand...


Yeah, Gabriel, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. Sometimes it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when it throws a curve or two your way. But yes, you're not alone. You've got friends here.


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## NYCGabriel

desertcheeseman said:


> Yeah, Gabriel, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. Sometimes it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when it throws a curve or two your way. But yes, you're not alone. You've got friends here.




thanks man,that means a lot tome


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## Shosh

I feel so sad for Marie Osmond. Her 18 year old son Michael committed suicide on Friday evening. He had suffered depression for much of his life.

We need to recognize the signs in those that suffer, and reach out our hand in support.


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## BubbleButtBabe

It is not always easy to spot the signs in people Shosh..If it's someone that has been dealing with depression for years they get very good at covering it up and not letting people closest to them know how bad off they are...

In high school I had a friend that killed himself..He was never sad or if he was he never showed it around anyone..He was the one that was always up for doing something fun and spending time together..He hated anyone being sad and would do what ever he could to make that person laugh and be happy..He stuck a 9mm to the side of his head and pulled the trigger in front of his best friend..All he said was I am done...None of us had a clue he was suicidal or that depressed...


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## KuroBara

I know I need to get help, but I don't have insurance. Also, I think my worse problem is not having a job and feeling like a drain on my family. The irony is, I'm too tired to look for a job, so I just feel more worthless. I really don't enjoy anything with the passion I used to have, not even animals or video games. I'm afraid of being alone, but don't want to leave my bedroom. I'm screwed up, I know, but I don't know what to do. I can't go to therapy and I can't find motivation to do something about it. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I feel bad about not working. My family really isn't any help. My mother can't understand why I'm not happy, and I don't either, since I have a home and a car, and a family willing to support me until I get on my feet again, but I'm not. My sister has her own issues. I feel hopeless, but it's my fault. I'm going to start rambling soon, so I'll stop. Just know, you are not alone.


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## Surlysomething

Not sure what to do anymore.


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## CarlaSixx

I suffer from depression. Have been since I was a kid, pretty much. And it'll always be something that affects me. I have dysthymia and Borderline Personality Disorder. It has led to a lot of problems and I have been hospitalized for it before. I'm on the verge of being hospitalized for it again though I'm hoping I won't. I don't know what else to do because my doctor doesn't want to put me on meds anymore since it had made things worse last time. So I just have to live with every day.


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## NYCGabriel

Surlysomething said:


> Not sure what to do anymore.



it's a long, tiring struggle. not even Sisyphus had this much trouble with his rock. Cyclotymia with adult ADHD is a horrible mixture. so far Setraline HCL is working but when I crash, it's something horrible


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## thinguyforbbw

Scorsese86 said:


> Thanks.
> Yeah, I see a shrink, and I am in a group, and I'm trying really to do something about it... I mean, things are looking better now than it did just a couple of months ago, but I've had good periods before, then fallen way down again.



I hope you're feeling better now 

I think one thing you should do is just accept that you might have many bouts of it in the future, and, not be depressed about it. Because the fact is, it usually does return. And if it does return, and you get depressed about being depressed - well, it's just a downward spiral.

Also, do you have cognitive behavioral therapy in Norway? That can help.

Anti-depressants did not ever work for me, but tranquilisers did help when I was really down. But, PLEASE, do not take them unless it is a last resort, and always take them for a very short period. They're highly addictive, and if not taken rightly, they can really mess you up.

Anyway, you seem like a nice person, and although I will not be posting here often, there are many people here who would be willing to give you a shoulder, so if you ever find yourself getting down and need someone to talk to, please post here and get it off your chest.


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## Scorsese86

> Also, do you have cognitive behavioral therapy in Norway? That can help.



Yes, and I've been doing that as well. I am more or less just on medicine these days, very little therapy.


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## thinguyforbbw

Scorsese86 said:


> Yes, and I've been doing that as well. I am more or less just on medicine these days, very little therapy.



do you have goals in your life? If not, maybe you should set yourself some goals. Like, by this time next year I aim to have achieved these 5 things. And even if you achieve "just" 1 of the 5, it is still an achievement, of which you should be happy.
Also, maybe each night you should consider 3 things you did that you were proud of, and 3 things you did that you think you could have improved on. They can be very simple stuff e.g you were proud you smiled and talked to the cashier and thus spread some "good vibes", and maybe tomorrow you could improve on getting up earlier. 

Whatever you do, just don't fall into the trap where you feel that you've been here before and don't want to go through it all again and just give up. For some life is a constant struggle, and the fact you've gotten as far as you have, shows that you're a fighter, and of that you should be proud.


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## Scorsese86

Well, I have started on college. That was one thing I was far too afraid to do before, but I have no completed my first year, and will start second semester next month, so I am on a roll here.


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## Lovelyone

I suffer from depression too. I am currently in the middle of a serious depression which has me considering whether or not to admit myself into the hospital. 
Not many people on these forums know that I cared for my ill mother. I haven't had a "real" job in more than 4 years. I haven't collected pay for that long, nor have I put into a retirement fund or savings account. Basically I gave 4 years of my life to taking care of my mother and making sure that she was comfortable. I do not regret helping her, in fact I am pleased that I could do that for her. However--now that she has passed on--I am in at a loss for how to begin my life again. I have friends who have offered me a place to stay but I feel as if they offered only out of pity and I wouldn't want to burden them with my problems. They are wonderful people but I am not sure they acknowledge the reality of my situation and even though they have offered their support, I feel completely alone at times. As I said before, I haven't had a job in a while, I am super-sized (which limits my job opportunities), the economy sucks and no one is hiring, I haven't any savings nor a car (cos i used my savings to help my mother, and sold my car to help pay bills). I am basically starting over again from the bottom at 43 years old. My upcoming future doesn't seem at all bright and I worry now about where I will be, what I will be doing, where I will live, and how I will find a job. This, compounded with the sincere grief I am feeling from the loss of my mother is almost too much for one person to bear. 
I have sister's who want to plow through and "get things done" regarding my mothers estate (what little there is of it) and while I was gone (begrudgingly) for my 10 day Vegas vacation they cleaned out the house. The shock of seeing the house bare and empty just about put me in a tailspin. My mother hasn't been buried for 2 weeks and they are already becoming the vacant hearted greedy vultures I knew them to be in the first place. The "I want, gimme and can-I-haves" has just about been the death of me and it is breaking my heart that they cannot wait a little longer to sort through her stuff and knit-pic what they will have/sell/store away. I feel as if I am the only one who realizes that this stuff belonged to someone. This stuff belonged to our mother. Its not some garage sale or rummage sale. Our mother collected this stuff. It belonged to her and it had sentimentality to her, which in turn means it has sentimentality to me. It is literally tearing me apart inside to see them sort through it all as if she didn't exist in the first place.
These are the things I am dealing with and also the reason I feel so overwhelmed right now. If anyone has any suggestions on how to start over--and in which place to begin..I would welcome any responses.


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## Jes

Lovelyone said:


> I suffer from depression too. I am currently in the middle of a serious depression which has me considering whether or not to admit myself into the hospital.
> .



Lovely--good for you for sharing what I know are painful things. How courageous of you.

Have you attended any support group meetings for grieving or loss? Those might be a good idea for you, and if you find them hard to get to, ask your friends. If they're willing to let you stay with them, then I would think they'd be willing to drive you to the local hospital (where many meetings are held) an hour a week. Perhaps they'd even come with you as support. There are also good books at the public library and while not every self-help book will resonate with you, certainly something would. Just sharing, as you've shared here, is helpful. Remember that you are not alone. Not only do you have friends, but you also have legions of people you will never meet, people who have also stopped their lives to care for aging parents and who, suddenly, find themselves having to enter the world again as caregivers with no one to care for. It's a hard transition...almost a reversal of the parent whose children leave the nest, or a married person suddenly facing singlehood and dating, again. So you have something in common with a lot of people and while you may not know them, know that your situation is not unique. In fact, I'm sure there are others here who have experienced some of the exact same things you have. Many some of you could set up a focused chat in some chat room somewhere, or something. But I would really encourage you to look at the free resources in your town; support groups, the public library, maybe even church if you're so inclined. A lot of people start adult life in their 20s, and then start over again in their 40s and then start again in their 60s at retirement. Others have forged this path too, so look to them for help. 

And the last thing I'll add is...if you can find a way to connect with your sisters, even though I know what they did with the house gutted you emotionally, it's probably for the best. They did what they did with the house for a reason, and it may not just be the reasons you think, and it may not be something you see right now in your grief. They are your mother's children, too, and if you can put a relationship back together in some way, it may be a source of comfort for you. Try not to burn bridges and try not to let them burn them either, even if it's very hard.

Good luck to you.


----------



## GTAFA

Lovelyone said:


> I suffer from depression too. I am currently in the middle of a serious depression which has me considering whether or not to admit myself into the hospital.
> Not many people on these forums know that I cared for my ill mother. I haven't had a "real" job in more than 4 years. I haven't collected pay for that long, nor have I put into a retirement fund or savings account. Basically I gave 4 years of my life to taking care of my mother and making sure that she was comfortable. I do not regret helping her, in fact I am pleased that I could do that for her. However--now that she has passed on--I am in at a loss for how to begin my life again. I have friends who have offered me a place to stay but I feel as if they offered only out of pity and I wouldn't want to burden them with my problems. They are wonderful people but I am not sure they acknowledge the reality of my situation and even though they have offered their support, I feel completely alone at times. As I said before, I haven't had a job in a while, I am super-sized (which limits my job opportunities), the economy sucks and no one is hiring, I haven't any savings nor a car (cos i used my savings to help my mother, and sold my car to help pay bills). I am basically starting over again from the bottom at 43 years old. My upcoming future doesn't seem at all bright and I worry now about where I will be, what I will be doing, where I will live, and how I will find a job. This, compounded with the sincere grief I am feeling from the loss of my mother is almost too much for one person to bear.
> I have sister's who want to plow through and "get things done" regarding my mothers estate (what little there is of it) and while I was gone (begrudgingly) for my 10 day Vegas vacation they cleaned out the house. The shock of seeing the house bare and empty just about put me in a tailspin. My mother hasn't been buried for 2 weeks and they are already becoming the vacant hearted greedy vultures I knew them to be in the first place. The "I want, gimme and can-I-haves" has just about been the death of me and it is breaking my heart that they cannot wait a little longer to sort through her stuff and knit-pic what they will have/sell/store away. I feel as if I am the only one who realizes that this stuff belonged to someone. This stuff belonged to our mother. Its not some garage sale or rummage sale. Our mother collected this stuff. It belonged to her and it had sentimentality to her, which in turn means it has sentimentality to me. It is literally tearing me apart inside to see them sort through it all as if she didn't exist in the first place.
> These are the things I am dealing with and also the reason I feel so overwhelmed right now. If anyone has any suggestions on how to start over--and in which place to begin..I would welcome any responses.



While I am not sure I needed to quote your entire message, it struck me that your words deserve the same sort of respect as your mother's stuff. For me to choose which words to keep and delete others might be the same sort of disrespectful action you cite in your message.

You're busy with so many feelings and impressions, perhaps I am jumping the gun (with what i am about to suggest); but you're sounding very strong in many ways, or at least you're putting on a brave face. I was struck by how you might be able to help others in a similar situation. Does your community have a hospital or hospice where people are struggling with the same issues of grief & loss? i wonder if you could perhaps offer peer counselling. Peer counselling doesn't pretend to come from a place of doctoral expertise --the way disciplines such as psychiatry or medicine do-- but is just what it sounds like: counselling from someone who is a peer to the person going through this experience now. I wonder, perhaps there is a place that needs the wisdom you've accumulated. Your story about your mother's effects for example is a wonderful cautionary tale for siblings (ha! i am cringing in anticipation of comparable madness in my own family, having a mom who's 89, hanging in there so far, AND 3 other siblings).

Maybe the counselling option leads to a job, maybe not. Even if you were co-ordinating counselling offered by others, i believe there's something there you might explore. You seem to have lived through a great deal recently, and learned a lot. By giving back you might find a career path, but perhaps just as valuably, find a handle on your own pain. Again, pardon me if this is premature, and you're not ready to think about such things. But just as a person recovering from a broken leg needs to eventually attempt to walk, and get up on their feet (and ouch it hurts at first, and for the longest time after!) I suspect it's very healthy for you to talk about your grief to others, as you've been doing in this forum.

THANKS for sharing!:bow:


----------



## activistfatgirl

I wanted to throw this up here (eek!) and see if anyone has any advice or experience. I recently decided to go on Prozac for a short period of time per doctor's advice to help pull me out of a newly-created panic disorder with a side of depression. It wasn't meant to be long term and my doctor didn't feel that I needed to see a psychiatrist, nor do I. 

However, I think I may be of the small percentage of people that Prozac makes things much, much worse. I've been in a mental fog with periods of deep mental anguish that come with some "this is all meaningless, let's just stop trying" thoughts. I've read that Prozac can make some people suicidal. I wouldn't say that I'm "suicidal" but it's suddenly in the realm of possibilities in a way that is shocking and scary.

I think I should go off it, but I think my main question is if some of these bumps are par for the course. I've been on it for 3 weeks and a few days. I'd hate to get scared (and overthinking/anxiety/fear is definitely an issue for me) and give up before the therapeutic effects kick in.

Anyways, this is obviously my life, my cross to bear. But maybe someone has some insight?


----------



## Jes

You can doublecheck this online or with your doctor but I've always heard that it takes most drugs like that 8 weeks to build up to a therapeutic (i.e., 'actually doing something') dose in your bloodstream. That doesn't mean you may not have side effects, but it does mean you should usually wait that long to see if a. the side effects go away (which often they do) and b. you're having a good result from the drug. 

But I don't know about Prozac. Perhaps it is metabolized differently and all of that. It could also be that you should try titrating up more slowly. Especially if you're on something else (some drugs will heighten the effects of others when taken together). 

Either way, if you stop, definitely titrate down safely. Cold turkey is for nutballs.


----------



## CastingPearls

activistfatgirl said:


> I wanted to throw this up here (eek!) and see if anyone has any advice or experience. I recently decided to go on Prozac for a short period of time per doctor's advice to help pull me out of a newly-created panic disorder with a side of depression. It wasn't meant to be long term and my doctor didn't feel that I needed to see a psychiatrist, nor do I.
> 
> However, I think I may be of the small percentage of people that Prozac makes things much, much worse. I've been in a mental fog with periods of deep mental anguish that come with some "this is all meaningless, let's just stop trying" thoughts. I've read that Prozac can make some people suicidal. I wouldn't say that I'm "suicidal" but it's suddenly in the realm of possibilities in a way that is shocking and scary.
> 
> I think I should go off it, but I think my main question is if some of these bumps are par for the course. I've been on it for 3 weeks and a few days. I'd hate to get scared (and overthinking/anxiety/fear is definitely an issue for me) and give up before the therapeutic effects kick in.
> 
> Anyways, this is obviously my life, my cross to bear. But maybe someone has some insight?


I took Prozac for a year. 
Your description is a bad side-affect which you should discuss with your doctor and Jes is right, cold turkey is a bad idea even if you haven't been on it for long.


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## Lovelyone

activistfatgirl said:


> I wanted to throw this up here (eek!) and see if anyone has any advice or experience. I recently decided to go on Prozac for a short period of time per doctor's advice to help pull me out of a newly-created panic disorder with a side of depression. It wasn't meant to be long term and my doctor didn't feel that I needed to see a psychiatrist, nor do I.
> 
> However, I think I may be of the small percentage of people that Prozac makes things much, much worse. I've been in a mental fog with periods of deep mental anguish that come with some "this is all meaningless, let's just stop trying" thoughts. I've read that Prozac can make some people suicidal. I wouldn't say that I'm "suicidal" but it's suddenly in the realm of possibilities in a way that is shocking and scary.
> 
> I think I should go off it, but I think my main question is if some of these bumps are par for the course. I've been on it for 3 weeks and a few days. I'd hate to get scared (and overthinking/anxiety/fear is definitely an issue for me) and give up before the therapeutic effects kick in.
> 
> Anyways, this is obviously my life, my cross to bear. But maybe someone has some insight?




Now I am not a doctor but I also took prozac for almost a year. At first, I felt like I was walking around in a dream state (like how the edges of the tv would get fuzzy in a dream sequence in a movie) and that worried me so I asked my doctor about it and she told me that it takes about 6 weeks for the full effects to take hold. After about 6 weeks I did feel better.That was almost 15 years ago and the generation of meds today have been far improved since then. The thing about meds is...they don't take away the problems which cause the depression. The meds only assist in the daily dealings that you have with those problems, so you are right in the assumption that some of the "bumps" are par for the course. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor and discuss the issues and anxieties that you have regarding the meds. One thing I can say is that I too, had the anxieties about meds (its hard for me to even take ibuprofen for a headache). It took a lot of reading and I asked a lot of questions in order to make me feel comfortable enough to try the meds. Hopefully you will get some answers from the posters and your doctor that will be helpful for you. Best of luck.


----------



## BBW4Chattery

activistfatgirl said:


> I wanted to throw this up here (eek!) and see if anyone has any advice or experience. I recently decided to go on Prozac for a short period of time per doctor's advice to help pull me out of a newly-created panic disorder with a side of depression. It wasn't meant to be long term and my doctor didn't feel that I needed to see a psychiatrist, nor do I.
> 
> However, I think I may be of the small percentage of people that Prozac makes things much, much worse. I've been in a mental fog with periods of deep mental anguish that come with some "this is all meaningless, let's just stop trying" thoughts. I've read that Prozac can make some people suicidal. I wouldn't say that I'm "suicidal" but it's suddenly in the realm of possibilities in a way that is shocking and scary.
> 
> I think I should go off it, but I think my main question is if some of these bumps are par for the course. I've been on it for 3 weeks and a few days. I'd hate to get scared (and overthinking/anxiety/fear is definitely an issue for me) and give up before the therapeutic effects kick in.
> 
> Anyways, this is obviously my life, my cross to bear. But maybe someone has some insight?



I'm not a doctor. This is not medical advice. This is just information.

Your brain chemistry is altered within 6 hours of taking your first dose of medication. The weeks numbers is what is thrown around in the unclear communication surrounding how/why these medications work. 

This means many potential side effects will show up within 24 hours of your first dose of medication. If they go away over time, it is because your body built up a tolerance to counteract the reaction.

If you smoke, you may cough when you first start. If you drink, you may get nauseated when you first start. If you overeat to the point of binging, it may hurt when you first start. Eventually, the coughing, nausea, and pain will fade away and make the behaviors more tolerable. That doesn't make their effects any less damaging.

Same with the Prozac... taking medication is a personal choice. Stopping medication is a personal choice. Trust your body. Trust the symptoms. Meds are rx'd to chemically alter your brain in order to treat mental disorders. If you do not have the disorder the medication was designed to treat, your brain will still be chemically altered.

While some suicidal ideations are typical for those with depression, having them appear/increase after introduction of a new medication is NOT a desired effect of treatment. In fact, it is the opposite. 

My suggestion is that you make sure you are heard. Many psychiatrists may attribute the ideations to your depression instead of linking them to the new medication. Unofficial guess... but I'd say about half of medical professionals do NOT believe that medications can cause an increase in symptoms/suicides... and blame all such developments on existing mental illness.

They're right about tapering off the medicine. If you experience any side effects from that, you can ask your doctor about a bridge rx for another medications to help you cut the effects.

Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.


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## ThatFatGirl

After two months of chronic back pain and not leaving the house except for physical therapy and three doctor appointments in two months, I've gotten myself into a fairly deep depression again. I started taking Cymbalta a week ago and while I know it hasn't had time to get working, simply being on it and the hope that it will make me feel better has helped. It has a pain reliever element to it and I think that may be helping too. I read this article about a study that showed Cymbalta offered relief to people suffering from chronic back pain (not sure of the study's validity, but who knows). It seemed worth trying. My fingers are crossed the feelings of gloom and doom and some of the pain is relieved soon.

I also made an appointment with a therapist for August 11. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep the appointment as riding in a car currently is torture, but perhaps by then I will have some improvement. I'm hoping so anyway.


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## ThatFatGirl

Lovelyone said:


> I suffer from depression too. I am currently in the middle of a serious depression which has me considering whether or not to admit myself into the hospital.
> Not many people on these forums know that I cared for my ill mother. I haven't had a "real" job in more than 4 years. I haven't collected pay for that long, nor have I put into a retirement fund or savings account. Basically I gave 4 years of my life to taking care of my mother and making sure that she was comfortable. I do not regret helping her, in fact I am pleased that I could do that for her. However--now that she has passed on--I am in at a loss for how to begin my life again. I have friends who have offered me a place to stay but I feel as if they offered only out of pity and I wouldn't want to burden them with my problems. They are wonderful people but I am not sure they acknowledge the reality of my situation and even though they have offered their support, I feel completely alone at times. As I said before, I haven't had a job in a while, I am super-sized (which limits my job opportunities), the economy sucks and no one is hiring, I haven't any savings nor a car (cos i used my savings to help my mother, and sold my car to help pay bills). I am basically starting over again from the bottom at 43 years old. My upcoming future doesn't seem at all bright and I worry now about where I will be, what I will be doing, where I will live, and how I will find a job. This, compounded with the sincere grief I am feeling from the loss of my mother is almost too much for one person to bear.
> I have sister's who want to plow through and "get things done" regarding my mothers estate (what little there is of it) and while I was gone (begrudgingly) for my 10 day Vegas vacation they cleaned out the house. The shock of seeing the house bare and empty just about put me in a tailspin. My mother hasn't been buried for 2 weeks and they are already becoming the vacant hearted greedy vultures I knew them to be in the first place. The "I want, gimme and can-I-haves" has just about been the death of me and it is breaking my heart that they cannot wait a little longer to sort through her stuff and knit-pic what they will have/sell/store away. I feel as if I am the only one who realizes that this stuff belonged to someone. This stuff belonged to our mother. Its not some garage sale or rummage sale. Our mother collected this stuff. It belonged to her and it had sentimentality to her, which in turn means it has sentimentality to me. It is literally tearing me apart inside to see them sort through it all as if she didn't exist in the first place.
> These are the things I am dealing with and also the reason I feel so overwhelmed right now. If anyone has any suggestions on how to start over--and in which place to begin..I would welcome any responses.



I'm very sorry about the passing of your mom. I hope you're able to feel some peace again soon.


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## Lovelyone

I want to send out a thank you to everyone for their kind words and condolences. The words have been very heart-warming and comforting. Its just proof that there are some fantastically wonderful people in this community and I hope to meet you all someday.


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## Ernest Nagel

"A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression.
The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
~ Jay Leno

Sorry, I don't mean to be flip. My Dad died Friday afternoon. Humor is how I deal with sadness and depression. I'm sure some people will say it's just an avoidance mechanism but it really helps me cope. Other people's laughter is a tonic for me. Unfortunately my little sister likes her grief grim and straight. I want to be there for her but if I can't joke and kid it's almost like I'm suffocating. Not expecting any answers; just needed to get that out of my head.

Dad was 77 and lived a wonderful life of contribution, filled with gratitude. His passing was peaceful, painless and he was surrounded with love. He was a very good man and my best friend. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.


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## Dromond

ThatFatGirl said:


> After two months of chronic back pain and not leaving the house except for physical therapy and three doctor appointments in two months, I've gotten myself into a fairly deep depression again. I started taking Cymbalta a week ago and while I know it hasn't had time to get working, simply being on it and the hope that it will make me feel better has helped. It has a pain reliever element to it and I think that may be helping too. I read this article about a study that showed Cymbalta offered relief to people suffering from chronic back pain (not sure of the study's validity, but who knows). It seemed worth trying. My fingers are crossed the feelings of gloom and doom and some of the pain is relieved soon.
> 
> I also made an appointment with a therapist for August 11. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep the appointment as riding in a car currently is torture, but perhaps by then I will have some improvement. I'm hoping so anyway.



Cymbalta does have pain relieving properties. I wish it still worked for me, as it helped my back pain quite a bit.


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## Surlysomething

Ernest Nagel said:


> "A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression.
> The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
> ~ Jay Leno
> 
> Sorry, I don't mean to be flip. My Dad died Friday afternoon. Humor is how I deal with sadness and depression. I'm sure some people will say it's just an avoidance mechanism but it really helps me cope. Other people's laughter is a tonic for me. Unfortunately my little sister likes her grief grim and straight. I want to be there for her but if I can't joke and kid it's almost like I'm suffocating. Not expecting any answers; just needed to get that out of my head.
> 
> Dad was 77 and lived a wonderful life of contribution, filled with gratitude. His passing was peaceful, painless and he was surrounded with love. He was a very good man and my best friend. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.



I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## CastingPearls

Ernest Nagel said:


> "A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression.
> The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
> ~ Jay Leno
> 
> Sorry, I don't mean to be flip. My Dad died Friday afternoon. Humor is how I deal with sadness and depression. I'm sure some people will say it's just an avoidance mechanism but it really helps me cope. Other people's laughter is a tonic for me. Unfortunately my little sister likes her grief grim and straight. I want to be there for her but if I can't joke and kid it's almost like I'm suffocating. Not expecting any answers; just needed to get that out of my head.
> 
> Dad was 77 and lived a wonderful life of contribution, filled with gratitude. His passing was peaceful, painless and he was surrounded with love. He was a very good man and my best friend. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.


So sorry. My deepest condolences to you and yours.


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## imfree

Ernest Nagel said:


> "A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression.
> The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
> ~ Jay Leno
> 
> Sorry, I don't mean to be flip. My Dad died Friday afternoon. Humor is how I deal with sadness and depression. I'm sure some people will say it's just an avoidance mechanism but it really helps me cope. Other people's laughter is a tonic for me. Unfortunately my little sister likes her grief grim and straight. I want to be there for her but if I can't joke and kid it's almost like I'm suffocating. Not expecting any answers; just needed to get that out of my head.
> 
> Dad was 77 and lived a wonderful life of contribution, filled with gratitude. His passing was peaceful, painless and he was surrounded with love. He was a very good man and my best friend. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.



You have my deepest condolences, Ernest.
You Dad sounds like he was a truly great 
man.


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## ThatFatGirl

Ernest Nagel said:


> "A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression.
> The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
> ~ Jay Leno
> 
> Sorry, I don't mean to be flip. My Dad died Friday afternoon. Humor is how I deal with sadness and depression. I'm sure some people will say it's just an avoidance mechanism but it really helps me cope. Other people's laughter is a tonic for me. Unfortunately my little sister likes her grief grim and straight. I want to be there for her but if I can't joke and kid it's almost like I'm suffocating. Not expecting any answers; just needed to get that out of my head.
> 
> Dad was 77 and lived a wonderful life of contribution, filled with gratitude. His passing was peaceful, painless and he was surrounded with love. He was a very good man and my best friend. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.



I'm so sorry about the passing of your father, Ernest.


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## cherylharrell

So sorry to hear about your dad. Prayers just said for you and your family...


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## iwantabbw

Lovelyone said:


> I want to send out a thank you to everyone for their kind words and condolences. The words have been very heart-warming and comforting. Its just proof that there are some fantastically wonderful people in this community and I hope to meet you all someday.



Remember, prozac is not the only medication out there. There are many, so maybe you should discuss with your doctor the possibility of other meds.

There are also some natural supplements that help people - lechitin is one.

Finally, you did great for your mum, so be proud of yourself.


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## activistfatgirl

My condolences, Ernest. Losing our fathers is a big deal, to say the least and to understate.

P.S. to all - Prozac was indeed making me crazy. I went off and life is, well, life again. Please let others know if you go on anti-depressants, and watch your loved ones if they do. My mistake was not telling anyone, locking me into a pretty terrifying and lonely experience. Sometimes there just isn't a quick fix, and some of those quick fixes are fair worse than the original wound.


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## luscious_lulu

I'm worried that if my stress levels don't go down soon that I'm going to crash & I'll have to switch meds again.


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## Scorsese86

luscious_lulu said:


> I'm worried that if my stress levels don't go down soon that I'm going to crash & I'll have to switch meds again.



I recently switched medicine, and it's been really going up and down lately. Hopefully, once my body gets used to this new one, it might stabilize again.
The depression is certainly reduced, but the anxiety is still a major issue, and it's actually gotten worse lately, which ended up in the doctor changing my medicine.


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## CastingPearls

I have very mild depression and after trying several medications and dosages over the years have decided with my doctor's blessing to discontinue use and thus far am fine. I also know my triggers and the warning signs and will seek appropriate help should the need arise. 

I do however need Xanax for racing thoughts at night and the occasional random panic attack but to tell the truth, just knowing I have it and that it's an option is usually enough to help.


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## luscious_lulu

Scorsese86 said:


> I recently switched medicine, and it's been really going up and down lately. Hopefully, once my body gets used to this new one, it might stabilize again.
> The depression is certainly reduced, but the anxiety is still a major issue, and it's actually gotten worse lately, which ended up in the doctor changing my medicine.


(((hugs)))
I dread having to changed meds. The last time was really bad. 

Now that I've cut some negative people from my life, I've had way less anxiety attacks. 

The doctors always tell me 6-8 weeks to get the medications to fully work.


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## luscious_lulu

CastingPearls said:


> I have very mild depression and after trying several medications and dosages over the years have decided with my doctor's blessing to discontinue use and thus far am fine. I also know my triggers and the warning signs and will seek appropriate help should the need arise.
> 
> I do however need Xanax for racing thoughts at night and the occasional random panic attack but to tell the truth, just knowing I have it and that it's an option is usually enough to help.



You are lucky. I couldn't function without my medication.


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## Scorsese86

luscious_lulu said:


> (((hugs)))
> I dread having to changed meds. The last time was really bad.
> 
> Now that I've cut some negative people from my life, I've had way less anxiety attacks.
> 
> The doctors always tell me 6-8 weeks to get the medications to fully work.



(((Big, warm hug)))

My problem is that I don't hang out with anyone, and that is my biggest problem: being social.
It's been about 6 weeks since I changed the medicine, so I expect it to kick in soon.


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## luscious_lulu

Scorsese86 said:


> (((Big, warm hug)))
> 
> My problem is that I don't hang out with anyone, and that is my biggest problem: being social.
> It's been about 6 weeks since I changed the medicine, so I expect it to kick in soon.



Thanks darling


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## Dromond

Changing meds is a pain in the azz. Not only do you have to deal with the upheaval of switching, you don't know if the new med is even going to work for you. Unfortunately, I may be facing that possibility. My current meds aren't doing the trick anymore.


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## thatgirl08

I feel like I'm in a serious slump right now that I just can't get out of. I've dealt with depression on and off for years but the last 7 or 8 months it's been especially bad. 

I've had problems with my parents over the last few years and despite my best efforts our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to be around either of them. It's an incredibly long story, but things haven't been good since they divorced when I was 14. My mom finally told me I had to leave last year, so I did. I thought things would be better at my dads and they were for awhile but finally I couldn't take it there anymore either so I moved out a few weeks ago. My dad has since cleared out my room and showed up at my grandmas (where I'm staying) with garbage bags full of my stuff. I'm not welcome back at his house. And now I can tell my grandma is trying to push me into moving out. I think she thought it was going to be a temporary thing but it turned into something more long term. The problem is that I have literally no where to go. I have a job but hours keep getting cut and I can't afford it to move out on the tiny bit of money I make a week. I worked 6 days this week because I took an extra shift and STILL only got 34 hours.. and I make less than 8 dollars an hour. I just can't live on that. It's not possible. I'm trying so hard to find another job.. my friend is trying to get me a part time temp job at the company she works at.. it'd be a professional job so maybe a stepping stone to something more concrete. I'd have to still work at the grocery store too but together I could work about 50 hours a week which would be perfect. My parents won't give me any money. Matter of fact, my dad was making me pay for pretty much everything for the last year which is why I'm desperately broke despite working all the time. He wouldn't even buy me fucking groceries.. even though he was getting child support. He passed a little of it on to me and pocketed the rest. And then I found out he stole $350 from me. I gave him the money for my car insurance and then later found out my grandma had already paid for it so he just took the $350 from me and won't give it back. I have nowhere to go and I genuinely fear that at some point I literally will not have a home. Anyway, suffice to say that with the exception of paying for rent/gas/electric I have been pretty much supporting myself (not to say that those aren't huge expenses because of course they are but it's still been a lot to buy food, clothes, car payment, gas, car insurance, cell phone payment, medical expenses, etc. for myself.) My grandma is driving me up a fucking wall defending my dad to the death even though she knows what I'm saying is true. I thought things were getting better with my mom until I called her sobbing about my dad and she didn't even bother to offer to let me stay for a single night.. instead she immediately offered up solutions as to where else I could stay.. what about Stephanies? or Alyssas? or Kevins? (close friends) I just wanted to scream at her.. like WHY the fuck should their parents have to deal with me living there.. I'm HER fucking daughter. It's just so frustrating. But above all, it makes me so incredibly sad. My mom just doesn't want to be around me so bad she won't even let me stay at her house for one single night. Sometimes I think she truly hates me. I don't know what the fuck I did to either of my parents to deserve this. I see my friends with their parents and even at their worst times, they're 100x more loving than my parents. My parents used to be so good to me, that's what I don't understand.. they cared so much about me & my well being when I was little but since the divorce it's gotten increasingly worse. Although, from what I hear and have gathered my parents were ALWAYS this selfish .. I think I just didn't realize it when I was a kid.. but it's killing me. I can't even remember the last time they told me they loved me or gave me a hug. I just want them to want to be around me, to take an interest in my life, to help me when I need it. My friends parents are begging for them to stay home for a night to spend some time with them where as my parents cannot get rid of me fast enough. Sometimes I just feel so unwanted by all of my family. I feel like none of them give a shit about me whatsoever. I cut off contact with my moms extended family in March because I finally could not take them anymore. I did see them briefly in June but it was only a 4 hour visit (I thought my cousin was going to be there which is why I went but she didn't even end up being there) where as in high school I saw them every week or every other week. I just can't deal with them. All I ever hear from them is how fat, how ugly, how unintelligent I am, how bad I am with my money, how bad I am at school, how lazy I am, how selfish I am. They hardly know anything about me.. every question they ask is just to lead me into some sort of trap for them to criticize me. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. The worst part is that sometimes I feel like my mom gives them information that I know is going to make them criticize me more .. stuff they don't need to know and I'm just like WHY mom, you know how much I hate it.. but I think it's to get the heat off of her because they tend to do the same thing to her (she's the least favorite of her and my aunt and I'm the least favorite of the grand kids.) I just want to make more money so I can get the fuck away from all of them.. I just want to be ALONE. I just want an apartment where someone won't be snooping through my stuff and where someone isn't going to question every purchase I bring home and where someone isn't going to tell me how fat I am while I'm trying to eat dinner. Is that so much to ask? 

My anxiety is getting bad again and I just pray to fucking god I can keep it under control enough for me to keep working because without working, I will NEVER LEAVE and if there's anything in this world I need to do it's get the hellllll out of here. I cannot afford to lose another job to this. Hardly anyone even believes the anxiety is real.. and no one believes it's as bad as I describe it but the reality is that I have to think about it every single day of my life.. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.. constantly trying to stop myself from freaking out and having a panic attack. I can't go out with my friends or work or shop or even get out of bed without experiencing some level of it.. and no matter how much I absolutely hate myself for not being able to get over it, I can't. I obsess and obsess and obsess over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Sometimes I feel like the hypochondria is totally consuming me.. I compulsively check myself for symptoms of diseases I KNOW I don't have but god, sometimes I just feel so sick. Although I'm sure that has a lot to do with the stress itself. The anxiety has gotten so much better since it started but I feel like it's just lurking until it can totally disable me. All the added stress of moving out and finally cutting off my parents is making it rise to the surface even more. 

On top of it, I had to end things with someone I was sort of seeing. It was mostly sexual anyway.. I couldn't deal with him being embarrassed of me. In a basic way, I thought it'd be okay because it was 'just' sex but I can tell that it was destroying me emotionally, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. I also can't stop obsessing over my ex.. It's not that I even want to be with him anymore, it's just that I can't stand the thought of him finding someone else before I did.. and he just seems so happy with her.. and sometimes I think he's probably happier with her than he ever was with me. It's not really about him.. it's just about me feeling I fucked up.. like I did something wrong. I think deep down I realize I did the right thing by breaking up with him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just rationalizing.. maybe I was asking for too much. My grandpa told me after I broke up with him that'd I never get any better and even though it was just a little comment, it haunts me. I can't help but think maybe that was it? Maybe I really should've held on? Who else is going to deal with me, my fat & all my baggage. I can't remember the last time I felt this unattractive. 

This is incredibly long and I won't be surprised if no one reads it but it felt good to get all of this out of there.. sometimes I think I just need to bitch.


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## Scorsese86

thatgirl08: Wow. How strong and brave of you to share all this. It was really powerful, and moved me to tears. It's an incredible difficult situation, and believe me, I know how it is to have a parent who is neglecting and more or less rude and making fun of you for being "different" (what the hell is normal?).
I just hope and wish that you'll come out of this situation, grow and become stronger. It's a bumpy ride, for sure.
I know all about anxiety too. The last few months have been difficult, but it seems like my new medicine is starting to work on me now.

I have no suggestions to give, I just want to say, hang in there. You're very brave and I really liked that you could find the words to express all of this.

Be strong. Things will be better, I know, people have always told me that, but there is some truth to it. Babysteps is better than no steps.


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## thatgirl08

Thank you :]


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## CastingPearls

thatgirl08 said:


> I feel like I'm in a serious slump right now that I just can't get out of. I've dealt with depression on and off for years but the last 7 or 8 months it's been especially bad.
> 
> I've had problems with my parents over the last few years and despite my best efforts our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to be around either of them. It's an incredibly long story, but things haven't been good since they divorced when I was 14. My mom finally told me I had to leave last year, so I did. I thought things would be better at my dads and they were for awhile but finally I couldn't take it there anymore either so I moved out a few weeks ago. My dad has since cleared out my room and showed up at my grandmas (where I'm staying) with garbage bags full of my stuff. I'm not welcome back at his house. And now I can tell my grandma is trying to push me into moving out. I think she thought it was going to be a temporary thing but it turned into something more long term. The problem is that I have literally no where to go. I have a job but hours keep getting cut and I can't afford it to move out on the tiny bit of money I make a week. I worked 6 days this week because I took an extra shift and STILL only got 34 hours.. and I make less than 8 dollars an hour. I just can't live on that. It's not possible. I'm trying so hard to find another job.. my friend is trying to get me a part time temp job at the company she works at.. it'd be a professional job so maybe a stepping stone to something more concrete. I'd have to still work at the grocery store too but together I could work about 50 hours a week which would be perfect. My parents won't give me any money. Matter of fact, my dad was making me pay for pretty much everything for the last year which is why I'm desperately broke despite working all the time. He wouldn't even buy me fucking groceries.. even though he was getting child support. He passed a little of it on to me and pocketed the rest. And then I found out he stole $350 from me. I gave him the money for my car insurance and then later found out my grandma had already paid for it so he just took the $350 from me and won't give it back. I have nowhere to go and I genuinely fear that at some point I literally will not have a home. Anyway, suffice to say that with the exception of paying for rent/gas/electric I have been pretty much supporting myself (not to say that those aren't huge expenses because of course they are but it's still been a lot to buy food, clothes, car payment, gas, car insurance, cell phone payment, medical expenses, etc. for myself.) My grandma is driving me up a fucking wall defending my dad to the death even though she knows what I'm saying is true. I thought things were getting better with my mom until I called her sobbing about my dad and she didn't even bother to offer to let me stay for a single night.. instead she immediately offered up solutions as to where else I could stay.. what about Stephanies? or Alyssas? or Kevins? (close friends) I just wanted to scream at her.. like WHY the fuck should their parents have to deal with me living there.. I'm HER fucking daughter. It's just so frustrating. But above all, it makes me so incredibly sad. My mom just doesn't want to be around me so bad she won't even let me stay at her house for one single night. Sometimes I think she truly hates me. I don't know what the fuck I did to either of my parents to deserve this. I see my friends with their parents and even at their worst times, they're 100x more loving than my parents. My parents used to be so good to me, that's what I don't understand.. they cared so much about me & my well being when I was little but since the divorce it's gotten increasingly worse. Although, from what I hear and have gathered my parents were ALWAYS this selfish .. I think I just didn't realize it when I was a kid.. but it's killing me. I can't even remember the last time they told me they loved me or gave me a hug. I just want them to want to be around me, to take an interest in my life, to help me when I need it. My friends parents are begging for them to stay home for a night to spend some time with them where as my parents cannot get rid of me fast enough. Sometimes I just feel so unwanted by all of my family. I feel like none of them give a shit about me whatsoever. I cut off contact with my moms extended family in March because I finally could not take them anymore. I did see them briefly in June but it was only a 4 hour visit (I thought my cousin was going to be there which is why I went but she didn't even end up being there) where as in high school I saw them every week or every other week. I just can't deal with them. All I ever hear from them is how fat, how ugly, how unintelligent I am, how bad I am with my money, how bad I am at school, how lazy I am, how selfish I am. They hardly know anything about me.. every question they ask is just to lead me into some sort of trap for them to criticize me. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. The worst part is that sometimes I feel like my mom gives them information that I know is going to make them criticize me more .. stuff they don't need to know and I'm just like WHY mom, you know how much I hate it.. but I think it's to get the heat off of her because they tend to do the same thing to her (she's the least favorite of her and my aunt and I'm the least favorite of the grand kids.) I just want to make more money so I can get the fuck away from all of them.. I just want to be ALONE. I just want an apartment where someone won't be snooping through my stuff and where someone isn't going to question every purchase I bring home and where someone isn't going to tell me how fat I am while I'm trying to eat dinner. Is that so much to ask?
> 
> My anxiety is getting bad again and I just pray to fucking god I can keep it under control enough for me to keep working because without working, I will NEVER LEAVE and if there's anything in this world I need to do it's get the hellllll out of here. I cannot afford to lose another job to this. Hardly anyone even believes the anxiety is real.. and no one believes it's as bad as I describe it but the reality is that I have to think about it every single day of my life.. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.. constantly trying to stop myself from freaking out and having a panic attack. I can't go out with my friends or work or shop or even get out of bed without experiencing some level of it.. and no matter how much I absolutely hate myself for not being able to get over it, I can't. I obsess and obsess and obsess over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Sometimes I feel like the hypochondria is totally consuming me.. I compulsively check myself for symptoms of diseases I KNOW I don't have but god, sometimes I just feel so sick. Although I'm sure that has a lot to do with the stress itself. The anxiety has gotten so much better since it started but I feel like it's just lurking until it can totally disable me. All the added stress of moving out and finally cutting off my parents is making it rise to the surface even more.
> 
> On top of it, I had to end things with someone I was sort of seeing. It was mostly sexual anyway.. I couldn't deal with him being embarrassed of me. In a basic way, I thought it'd be okay because it was 'just' sex but I can tell that it was destroying me emotionally, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. I also can't stop obsessing over my ex.. It's not that I even want to be with him anymore, it's just that I can't stand the thought of him finding someone else before I did.. and he just seems so happy with her.. and sometimes I think he's probably happier with her than he ever was with me. It's not really about him.. it's just about me feeling I fucked up.. like I did something wrong. I think deep down I realize I did the right thing by breaking up with him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just rationalizing.. maybe I was asking for too much. My grandpa told me after I broke up with him that'd I never get any better and even though it was just a little comment, it haunts me. I can't help but think maybe that was it? Maybe I really should've held on? Who else is going to deal with me, my fat & all my baggage. I can't remember the last time I felt this unattractive.
> 
> This is incredibly long and I won't be surprised if no one reads it but it felt good to get all of this out of there.. sometimes I think I just need to bitch.


I read it all. {{{{{thatgirl}}}}} I hear you too.


----------



## AuntHen

thatgirl08 said:


> I feel like I'm in a serious slump right now that I just can't get out of. I've dealt with depression on and off for years but the last 7 or 8 months it's been especially bad.
> 
> I've had problems with my parents over the last few years and despite my best efforts our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to be around either of them. It's an incredibly long story, but things haven't been good since they divorced when I was 14. My mom finally told me I had to leave last year, so I did. I thought things would be better at my dads and they were for awhile but finally I couldn't take it there anymore either so I moved out a few weeks ago. My dad has since cleared out my room and showed up at my grandmas (where I'm staying) with garbage bags full of my stuff. I'm not welcome back at his house. And now I can tell my grandma is trying to push me into moving out. I think she thought it was going to be a temporary thing but it turned into something more long term. The problem is that I have literally no where to go. I have a job but hours keep getting cut and I can't afford it to move out on the tiny bit of money I make a week. I worked 6 days this week because I took an extra shift and STILL only got 34 hours.. and I make less than 8 dollars an hour. I just can't live on that. It's not possible. I'm trying so hard to find another job.. my friend is trying to get me a part time temp job at the company she works at.. it'd be a professional job so maybe a stepping stone to something more concrete. I'd have to still work at the grocery store too but together I could work about 50 hours a week which would be perfect. My parents won't give me any money. Matter of fact, my dad was making me pay for pretty much everything for the last year which is why I'm desperately broke despite working all the time. He wouldn't even buy me fucking groceries.. even though he was getting child support. He passed a little of it on to me and pocketed the rest. And then I found out he stole $350 from me. I gave him the money for my car insurance and then later found out my grandma had already paid for it so he just took the $350 from me and won't give it back. I have nowhere to go and I genuinely fear that at some point I literally will not have a home. Anyway, suffice to say that with the exception of paying for rent/gas/electric I have been pretty much supporting myself (not to say that those aren't huge expenses because of course they are but it's still been a lot to buy food, clothes, car payment, gas, car insurance, cell phone payment, medical expenses, etc. for myself.) My grandma is driving me up a fucking wall defending my dad to the death even though she knows what I'm saying is true. I thought things were getting better with my mom until I called her sobbing about my dad and she didn't even bother to offer to let me stay for a single night.. instead she immediately offered up solutions as to where else I could stay.. what about Stephanies? or Alyssas? or Kevins? (close friends) I just wanted to scream at her.. like WHY the fuck should their parents have to deal with me living there.. I'm HER fucking daughter. It's just so frustrating. But above all, it makes me so incredibly sad. My mom just doesn't want to be around me so bad she won't even let me stay at her house for one single night. Sometimes I think she truly hates me. I don't know what the fuck I did to either of my parents to deserve this. I see my friends with their parents and even at their worst times, they're 100x more loving than my parents. My parents used to be so good to me, that's what I don't understand.. they cared so much about me & my well being when I was little but since the divorce it's gotten increasingly worse. Although, from what I hear and have gathered my parents were ALWAYS this selfish .. I think I just didn't realize it when I was a kid.. but it's killing me. I can't even remember the last time they told me they loved me or gave me a hug. I just want them to want to be around me, to take an interest in my life, to help me when I need it. My friends parents are begging for them to stay home for a night to spend some time with them where as my parents cannot get rid of me fast enough. Sometimes I just feel so unwanted by all of my family. I feel like none of them give a shit about me whatsoever. I cut off contact with my moms extended family in March because I finally could not take them anymore. I did see them briefly in June but it was only a 4 hour visit (I thought my cousin was going to be there which is why I went but she didn't even end up being there) where as in high school I saw them every week or every other week. I just can't deal with them. All I ever hear from them is how fat, how ugly, how unintelligent I am, how bad I am with my money, how bad I am at school, how lazy I am, how selfish I am. They hardly know anything about me.. every question they ask is just to lead me into some sort of trap for them to criticize me. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. The worst part is that sometimes I feel like my mom gives them information that I know is going to make them criticize me more .. stuff they don't need to know and I'm just like WHY mom, you know how much I hate it.. but I think it's to get the heat off of her because they tend to do the same thing to her (she's the least favorite of her and my aunt and I'm the least favorite of the grand kids.) I just want to make more money so I can get the fuck away from all of them.. I just want to be ALONE. I just want an apartment where someone won't be snooping through my stuff and where someone isn't going to question every purchase I bring home and where someone isn't going to tell me how fat I am while I'm trying to eat dinner. Is that so much to ask?
> 
> My anxiety is getting bad again and I just pray to fucking god I can keep it under control enough for me to keep working because without working, I will NEVER LEAVE and if there's anything in this world I need to do it's get the hellllll out of here. I cannot afford to lose another job to this. Hardly anyone even believes the anxiety is real.. and no one believes it's as bad as I describe it but the reality is that I have to think about it every single day of my life.. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.. constantly trying to stop myself from freaking out and having a panic attack. I can't go out with my friends or work or shop or even get out of bed without experiencing some level of it.. and no matter how much I absolutely hate myself for not being able to get over it, I can't. I obsess and obsess and obsess over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Sometimes I feel like the hypochondria is totally consuming me.. I compulsively check myself for symptoms of diseases I KNOW I don't have but god, sometimes I just feel so sick. Although I'm sure that has a lot to do with the stress itself. The anxiety has gotten so much better since it started but I feel like it's just lurking until it can totally disable me. All the added stress of moving out and finally cutting off my parents is making it rise to the surface even more.
> 
> On top of it, I had to end things with someone I was sort of seeing. It was mostly sexual anyway.. I couldn't deal with him being embarrassed of me. In a basic way, I thought it'd be okay because it was 'just' sex but I can tell that it was destroying me emotionally, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. I also can't stop obsessing over my ex.. It's not that I even want to be with him anymore, it's just that I can't stand the thought of him finding someone else before I did.. and he just seems so happy with her.. and sometimes I think he's probably happier with her than he ever was with me. It's not really about him.. it's just about me feeling I fucked up.. like I did something wrong. I think deep down I realize I did the right thing by breaking up with him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just rationalizing.. maybe I was asking for too much. My grandpa told me after I broke up with him that'd I never get any better and even though it was just a little comment, it haunts me. I can't help but think maybe that was it? Maybe I really should've held on? Who else is going to deal with me, my fat & all my baggage. I can't remember the last time I felt this unattractive.
> 
> This is incredibly long and I won't be surprised if no one reads it but it felt good to get all of this out of there.. sometimes I think I just need to bitch.



I read it all too and the first thing I thought was "if she lived near me I would move her in with me". I will pray for you sweetie! Take it one day at a time... I know this may not seem like much help but I am atleast here to listen to you if you need.


----------



## littlefairywren

thatgirl08 said:


> I feel like I'm in a serious slump right now that I just can't get out of. I've dealt with depression on and off for years but the last 7 or 8 months it's been especially bad.
> 
> I've had problems with my parents over the last few years and despite my best efforts our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to be around either of them. It's an incredibly long story, but things haven't been good since they divorced when I was 14. My mom finally told me I had to leave last year, so I did. I thought things would be better at my dads and they were for awhile but finally I couldn't take it there anymore either so I moved out a few weeks ago. My dad has since cleared out my room and showed up at my grandmas (where I'm staying) with garbage bags full of my stuff. I'm not welcome back at his house. And now I can tell my grandma is trying to push me into moving out. I think she thought it was going to be a temporary thing but it turned into something more long term. The problem is that I have literally no where to go. I have a job but hours keep getting cut and I can't afford it to move out on the tiny bit of money I make a week. I worked 6 days this week because I took an extra shift and STILL only got 34 hours.. and I make less than 8 dollars an hour. I just can't live on that. It's not possible. I'm trying so hard to find another job.. my friend is trying to get me a part time temp job at the company she works at.. it'd be a professional job so maybe a stepping stone to something more concrete. I'd have to still work at the grocery store too but together I could work about 50 hours a week which would be perfect. My parents won't give me any money. Matter of fact, my dad was making me pay for pretty much everything for the last year which is why I'm desperately broke despite working all the time. He wouldn't even buy me fucking groceries.. even though he was getting child support. He passed a little of it on to me and pocketed the rest. And then I found out he stole $350 from me. I gave him the money for my car insurance and then later found out my grandma had already paid for it so he just took the $350 from me and won't give it back. I have nowhere to go and I genuinely fear that at some point I literally will not have a home. Anyway, suffice to say that with the exception of paying for rent/gas/electric I have been pretty much supporting myself (not to say that those aren't huge expenses because of course they are but it's still been a lot to buy food, clothes, car payment, gas, car insurance, cell phone payment, medical expenses, etc. for myself.) My grandma is driving me up a fucking wall defending my dad to the death even though she knows what I'm saying is true. I thought things were getting better with my mom until I called her sobbing about my dad and she didn't even bother to offer to let me stay for a single night.. instead she immediately offered up solutions as to where else I could stay.. what about Stephanies? or Alyssas? or Kevins? (close friends) I just wanted to scream at her.. like WHY the fuck should their parents have to deal with me living there.. I'm HER fucking daughter. It's just so frustrating. But above all, it makes me so incredibly sad. My mom just doesn't want to be around me so bad she won't even let me stay at her house for one single night. Sometimes I think she truly hates me. I don't know what the fuck I did to either of my parents to deserve this. I see my friends with their parents and even at their worst times, they're 100x more loving than my parents. My parents used to be so good to me, that's what I don't understand.. they cared so much about me & my well being when I was little but since the divorce it's gotten increasingly worse. Although, from what I hear and have gathered my parents were ALWAYS this selfish .. I think I just didn't realize it when I was a kid.. but it's killing me. I can't even remember the last time they told me they loved me or gave me a hug. I just want them to want to be around me, to take an interest in my life, to help me when I need it. My friends parents are begging for them to stay home for a night to spend some time with them where as my parents cannot get rid of me fast enough. Sometimes I just feel so unwanted by all of my family. I feel like none of them give a shit about me whatsoever. I cut off contact with my moms extended family in March because I finally could not take them anymore. I did see them briefly in June but it was only a 4 hour visit (I thought my cousin was going to be there which is why I went but she didn't even end up being there) where as in high school I saw them every week or every other week. I just can't deal with them. All I ever hear from them is how fat, how ugly, how unintelligent I am, how bad I am with my money, how bad I am at school, how lazy I am, how selfish I am. They hardly know anything about me.. every question they ask is just to lead me into some sort of trap for them to criticize me. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. The worst part is that sometimes I feel like my mom gives them information that I know is going to make them criticize me more .. stuff they don't need to know and I'm just like WHY mom, you know how much I hate it.. but I think it's to get the heat off of her because they tend to do the same thing to her (she's the least favorite of her and my aunt and I'm the least favorite of the grand kids.) I just want to make more money so I can get the fuck away from all of them.. I just want to be ALONE. I just want an apartment where someone won't be snooping through my stuff and where someone isn't going to question every purchase I bring home and where someone isn't going to tell me how fat I am while I'm trying to eat dinner. Is that so much to ask?
> 
> My anxiety is getting bad again and I just pray to fucking god I can keep it under control enough for me to keep working because without working, I will NEVER LEAVE and if there's anything in this world I need to do it's get the hellllll out of here. I cannot afford to lose another job to this. Hardly anyone even believes the anxiety is real.. and no one believes it's as bad as I describe it but the reality is that I have to think about it every single day of my life.. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.. constantly trying to stop myself from freaking out and having a panic attack. I can't go out with my friends or work or shop or even get out of bed without experiencing some level of it.. and no matter how much I absolutely hate myself for not being able to get over it, I can't. I obsess and obsess and obsess over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Sometimes I feel like the hypochondria is totally consuming me.. I compulsively check myself for symptoms of diseases I KNOW I don't have but god, sometimes I just feel so sick. Although I'm sure that has a lot to do with the stress itself. The anxiety has gotten so much better since it started but I feel like it's just lurking until it can totally disable me. All the added stress of moving out and finally cutting off my parents is making it rise to the surface even more.
> 
> On top of it, I had to end things with someone I was sort of seeing. It was mostly sexual anyway.. I couldn't deal with him being embarrassed of me. In a basic way, I thought it'd be okay because it was 'just' sex but I can tell that it was destroying me emotionally, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. I also can't stop obsessing over my ex.. It's not that I even want to be with him anymore, it's just that I can't stand the thought of him finding someone else before I did.. and he just seems so happy with her.. and sometimes I think he's probably happier with her than he ever was with me. It's not really about him.. it's just about me feeling I fucked up.. like I did something wrong. I think deep down I realize I did the right thing by breaking up with him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just rationalizing.. maybe I was asking for too much. My grandpa told me after I broke up with him that'd I never get any better and even though it was just a little comment, it haunts me. I can't help but think maybe that was it? Maybe I really should've held on? Who else is going to deal with me, my fat & all my baggage. I can't remember the last time I felt this unattractive.
> 
> This is incredibly long and I won't be surprised if no one reads it but it felt good to get all of this out of there.. sometimes I think I just need to bitch.



I'm sorry you're hurting so much, honey. Gentle (((((hugs)))))


----------



## Inhibited

thatgirl08 said:


> I feel like I'm in a serious slump right now that I just can't get out of. I've dealt with depression on and off for years but the last 7 or 8 months it's been especially bad.
> 
> I've had problems with my parents over the last few years and despite my best efforts our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I don't even want to be around either of them. It's an incredibly long story, but things haven't been good since they divorced when I was 14. My mom finally told me I had to leave last year, so I did. I thought things would be better at my dads and they were for awhile but finally I couldn't take it there anymore either so I moved out a few weeks ago. My dad has since cleared out my room and showed up at my grandmas (where I'm staying) with garbage bags full of my stuff. I'm not welcome back at his house. And now I can tell my grandma is trying to push me into moving out. I think she thought it was going to be a temporary thing but it turned into something more long term. The problem is that I have literally no where to go. I have a job but hours keep getting cut and I can't afford it to move out on the tiny bit of money I make a week. I worked 6 days this week because I took an extra shift and STILL only got 34 hours.. and I make less than 8 dollars an hour. I just can't live on that. It's not possible. I'm trying so hard to find another job.. my friend is trying to get me a part time temp job at the company she works at.. it'd be a professional job so maybe a stepping stone to something more concrete. I'd have to still work at the grocery store too but together I could work about 50 hours a week which would be perfect. My parents won't give me any money. Matter of fact, my dad was making me pay for pretty much everything for the last year which is why I'm desperately broke despite working all the time. He wouldn't even buy me fucking groceries.. even though he was getting child support. He passed a little of it on to me and pocketed the rest. And then I found out he stole $350 from me. I gave him the money for my car insurance and then later found out my grandma had already paid for it so he just took the $350 from me and won't give it back. I have nowhere to go and I genuinely fear that at some point I literally will not have a home. Anyway, suffice to say that with the exception of paying for rent/gas/electric I have been pretty much supporting myself (not to say that those aren't huge expenses because of course they are but it's still been a lot to buy food, clothes, car payment, gas, car insurance, cell phone payment, medical expenses, etc. for myself.) My grandma is driving me up a fucking wall defending my dad to the death even though she knows what I'm saying is true. I thought things were getting better with my mom until I called her sobbing about my dad and she didn't even bother to offer to let me stay for a single night.. instead she immediately offered up solutions as to where else I could stay.. what about Stephanies? or Alyssas? or Kevins? (close friends) I just wanted to scream at her.. like WHY the fuck should their parents have to deal with me living there.. I'm HER fucking daughter. It's just so frustrating. But above all, it makes me so incredibly sad. My mom just doesn't want to be around me so bad she won't even let me stay at her house for one single night. Sometimes I think she truly hates me. I don't know what the fuck I did to either of my parents to deserve this. I see my friends with their parents and even at their worst times, they're 100x more loving than my parents. My parents used to be so good to me, that's what I don't understand.. they cared so much about me & my well being when I was little but since the divorce it's gotten increasingly worse. Although, from what I hear and have gathered my parents were ALWAYS this selfish .. I think I just didn't realize it when I was a kid.. but it's killing me. I can't even remember the last time they told me they loved me or gave me a hug. I just want them to want to be around me, to take an interest in my life, to help me when I need it. My friends parents are begging for them to stay home for a night to spend some time with them where as my parents cannot get rid of me fast enough. Sometimes I just feel so unwanted by all of my family. I feel like none of them give a shit about me whatsoever. I cut off contact with my moms extended family in March because I finally could not take them anymore. I did see them briefly in June but it was only a 4 hour visit (I thought my cousin was going to be there which is why I went but she didn't even end up being there) where as in high school I saw them every week or every other week. I just can't deal with them. All I ever hear from them is how fat, how ugly, how unintelligent I am, how bad I am with my money, how bad I am at school, how lazy I am, how selfish I am. They hardly know anything about me.. every question they ask is just to lead me into some sort of trap for them to criticize me. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. The worst part is that sometimes I feel like my mom gives them information that I know is going to make them criticize me more .. stuff they don't need to know and I'm just like WHY mom, you know how much I hate it.. but I think it's to get the heat off of her because they tend to do the same thing to her (she's the least favorite of her and my aunt and I'm the least favorite of the grand kids.) I just want to make more money so I can get the fuck away from all of them.. I just want to be ALONE. I just want an apartment where someone won't be snooping through my stuff and where someone isn't going to question every purchase I bring home and where someone isn't going to tell me how fat I am while I'm trying to eat dinner. Is that so much to ask?
> 
> My anxiety is getting bad again and I just pray to fucking god I can keep it under control enough for me to keep working because without working, I will NEVER LEAVE and if there's anything in this world I need to do it's get the hellllll out of here. I cannot afford to lose another job to this. Hardly anyone even believes the anxiety is real.. and no one believes it's as bad as I describe it but the reality is that I have to think about it every single day of my life.. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.. constantly trying to stop myself from freaking out and having a panic attack. I can't go out with my friends or work or shop or even get out of bed without experiencing some level of it.. and no matter how much I absolutely hate myself for not being able to get over it, I can't. I obsess and obsess and obsess over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Sometimes I feel like the hypochondria is totally consuming me.. I compulsively check myself for symptoms of diseases I KNOW I don't have but god, sometimes I just feel so sick. Although I'm sure that has a lot to do with the stress itself. The anxiety has gotten so much better since it started but I feel like it's just lurking until it can totally disable me. All the added stress of moving out and finally cutting off my parents is making it rise to the surface even more.
> 
> On top of it, I had to end things with someone I was sort of seeing. It was mostly sexual anyway.. I couldn't deal with him being embarrassed of me. In a basic way, I thought it'd be okay because it was 'just' sex but I can tell that it was destroying me emotionally, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself. I also can't stop obsessing over my ex.. It's not that I even want to be with him anymore, it's just that I can't stand the thought of him finding someone else before I did.. and he just seems so happy with her.. and sometimes I think he's probably happier with her than he ever was with me. It's not really about him.. it's just about me feeling I fucked up.. like I did something wrong. I think deep down I realize I did the right thing by breaking up with him but sometimes I wonder if I'm just rationalizing.. maybe I was asking for too much. My grandpa told me after I broke up with him that'd I never get any better and even though it was just a little comment, it haunts me. I can't help but think maybe that was it? Maybe I really should've held on? Who else is going to deal with me, my fat & all my baggage. I can't remember the last time I felt this unattractive.
> 
> This is incredibly long and I won't be surprised if no one reads it but it felt good to get all of this out of there.. sometimes I think I just need to bitch.



I don't know what to say, but letting you know i'm listening too, wish i could be of more help. If you ever you need someone to talk to and no one is around that you usually lean on for support you can always message me, even if it is just to whinge and get stuff off your chest..


----------



## thatgirl08

Thank you everyone.. I really appreciate it.


----------



## activistfatgirl

thatgirl08,

Anxiety is real. You're not going crazy, and you're not worthless. And guess what, you can conquer this and one day you'll look back on this time with perspective. You will still see it as painful, but it'll be part of you that doesn't matter so much anymore.

I experienced wildly out of control anxiety for a couple of months this year. It's sort I was lost for a few months. I don't know if it's even the same thing as what you're describing but I know that panic attacks are hell on earth.

I got relief from reading The Linden Method and doing visualization and forced relaxation exercises. It all seemed too overly simple, but it really, really helped. You can control panic attacks. It's just fear of fear. You can stare 'em down and force them to recede, so that you soon enough calm down and see life for what it is. Your problems will still be there, but with a calm mind you'll be able to figure it out eventually.

I couldn't afford the program, but I found a torrent for it and watched all the videos and did the audio visualizations. Try it! Simple guided meditation and visualization may at least take the edge off. 

Sweet relief to you, chica. You are stronger than you know, it takes a lot to face what you're facing and live to laugh another day. You will!


----------



## thatgirl08

Thanks AFG :]

I think the worst part is that the anxiety is unrelenting. Even when I get a step or two ahead, it seems like I end up back where I started. I mean, I know it's gotten a lot better overall since it first started but it's so unbearable sometimes. It started when I was a junior in high school so it's been about 2 1/2 years. I know that's a relatively small period of time in comparison to the rest of my life but god, sometimes it feels like it's always been this way.. I don't really remember what it was like to be able to go to work or school or out with my friends without worrying.. or what it was like to have a headache or a cold or a random pain without thinking I have some deadly disease. It's just so frustrating because I'm constantly in a battle with myself and I try so hard to control it but sometimes no matter what I do it bubbles to the surface. And god, I've lost so much to the anxiety.. my shot at going to a good college and doing shit the 'right' way, plenty of opportunities at getting As, two jobs, my relationship with my mom (in part), the right to be believed when I say I don't feel good/I'm sick, everyones patience.. and possibly the worst, lots of times I could've had fun with my friends and didn't. Luckily, that's not the case anymore (or for the last year .. maybe year and a half) but I lost so much my senior year & the summers before and after. So many regrets.

For some reason I've been having a lot of trouble at work lately.. sometimes I'll randomly obsess over certain things.. like for a long time I was obsessed with the fact that I was going to have a heart attack and I'd always like, check myself for symptoms but the past year or so it's been that I'm afraid I'm going to pass out. I keep checking myself for signs that I'm going to faint. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. But I can't help myself.. and for some reason this week whenever I'm at work I keep thinking I haven't eaten enough and that my blood sugar is low and I'm going to faint. Don't ask me why this is coming up now.. I have no idea. Yesterday at work one of the girls I work with was like, Rachel, do you have anxiety? & I was like uh, yeah.. how'd you know? And she was like, I can just tell .. sometimes you look like you just want to run away. Long conversation short, she has anxiety issues too but I was still embarrassed that anyone could tell I was struggling because I try so hard at work (& with friends & family & at school & pretty much any situation I'm in contact with other people) to appear normal, like nothing is going on. I HATE having to tell people about my anxiety because I'm embarrassed. I hate that I'm not well grounded & I hate myself for letting this control me when it's completely irrational. I try not to talk about it anymore (with the exception of this thread) because I know everyone in my life is 100% sick of hearing about it.. they were within a month of when it started.. especially my family. I'm pretty sure my mom would rather jump off a cliff than have to hear me say "I'm nervous" one more time. 

Not that that is an issue anymore.. it's been about five weeks since I left my dads & (pretty much) cut off contact with both of my parents. The thing is though, I really really miss my mom. I don't even know why. I hate her. But, I really miss the person she used to be I guess & how much fun we used to have together. I miss shopping and going out to eat and watching movies with her. I miss joking around with her so much. I think I'm starting to feel a little guilty.. maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I really do deserve this, maybe I did something wrong. When I really think about it, I KNOW I didn't.. but sometimes I just wish I had done things differently.. maybe I could've made her happy if I had tried harder. 

I'm sorry for dominating this thread for the last page .. if I'm abusing my posting privileges here just let me know. I just need somewhere to vent sometimes.


----------



## CastingPearls

No...it's okay. You're safe here. Post as much as you need to. Vent.


----------



## MizzSnakeBite

thatgirl08 said:


> Thanks AFG :]
> 
> I think the worst part is that the anxiety is unrelenting. Even when I get a step or two ahead, it seems like I end up back where I started. I mean, I know it's gotten a lot better overall since it first started but it's so unbearable sometimes. It started when I was a junior in high school so it's been about 2 1/2 years. I know that's a relatively small period of time in comparison to the rest of my life but god, sometimes it feels like it's always been this way.. I don't really remember what it was like to be able to go to work or school or out with my friends without worrying.. or what it was like to have a headache or a cold or a random pain without thinking I have some deadly disease. It's just so frustrating because I'm constantly in a battle with myself and I try so hard to control it but sometimes no matter what I do it bubbles to the surface. And god, I've lost so much to the anxiety.. my shot at going to a good college and doing shit the 'right' way, plenty of opportunities at getting As, two jobs, my relationship with my mom (in part), the right to be believed when I say I don't feel good/I'm sick, everyones patience.. and possibly the worst, lots of times I could've had fun with my friends and didn't. Luckily, that's not the case anymore (or for the last year .. maybe year and a half) but I lost so much my senior year & the summers before and after. So many regrets.
> 
> For some reason I've been having a lot of trouble at work lately.. sometimes I'll randomly obsess over certain things.. like for a long time I was obsessed with the fact that I was going to have a heart attack and I'd always like, check myself for symptoms but the past year or so it's been that I'm afraid I'm going to pass out. I keep checking myself for signs that I'm going to faint. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. But I can't help myself.. and for some reason this week whenever I'm at work I keep thinking I haven't eaten enough and that my blood sugar is low and I'm going to faint. Don't ask me why this is coming up now.. I have no idea. Yesterday at work one of the girls I work with was like, Rachel, do you have anxiety? & I was like uh, yeah.. how'd you know? And she was like, I can just tell .. sometimes you look like you just want to run away. Long conversation short, she has anxiety issues too but I was still embarrassed that anyone could tell I was struggling because I try so hard at work (& with friends & family & at school & pretty much any situation I'm in contact with other people) to appear normal, like nothing is going on. I HATE having to tell people about my anxiety because I'm embarrassed. I hate that I'm not well grounded & I hate myself for letting this control me when it's completely irrational. I try not to talk about it anymore (with the exception of this thread) because I know everyone in my life is 100% sick of hearing about it.. they were within a month of when it started.. especially my family. I'm pretty sure my mom would rather jump off a cliff than have to hear me say "I'm nervous" one more time.
> 
> Not that that is an issue anymore.. it's been about five weeks since I left my dads & (pretty much) cut off contact with both of my parents. The thing is though, I really really miss my mom. I don't even know why. I hate her. But, I really miss the person she used to be I guess & how much fun we used to have together. I miss shopping and going out to eat and watching movies with her. I miss joking around with her so much. I think I'm starting to feel a little guilty.. maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I really do deserve this, maybe I did something wrong. When I really think about it, I KNOW I didn't.. but sometimes I just wish I had done things differently.. maybe I could've made her happy if I had tried harder.
> 
> I'm sorry for dominating this thread for the last page .. if I'm abusing my posting privileges here just let me know. I just need somewhere to vent sometimes.



I've read all your posts, and I'm so sorry you're going though all of that. I understand a lot of it, so I know how all-encompassing it is. I know you're on very limited funds, but I urge you to go to a clinic for your anxiety and depression. They do have ones on sliding scales (and some have pharmacies with sliding scales too). Contact your local health department, and/or MHMR, and ask about any free to low-cost mental health clinics. You might even try contacting homeless shelters to see if they know of any places. They often do since mental illnesses are common in the homeless population. I think once you're on something for anxiety (and you're able to talk to someone), things will get better for you at work, and all around. Also, try self-hypnosis. There are tapes you can get. Lie down, get comfortable, close your eyes, starting at your toes, relax them, then work your way up your body. Have a mental image of something you find to be very relaxing. It'll take some time to do, and when you're anxious, it can be frustrating, but just keep trying and relaxing. Also, see if you can find a social worker. They should be able to help you find some solutions. Have you tried to get food stamps? What about Section 8? I know it can often be embarrassing to get public assistance, but you should really think about it.

(((((hugs)))))


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## mossystate

thatgirl08, here are a couple of quick thoughts and suggestions I found about panic attacks...when you need immediate help -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* First, observe your breathing patterns. Typically, you will be breathing shallowly and rapidly, which is a physiological arousal for panic. Simply by correcting your breathing you will send physiological messages to your brain to no longer panic as much. You want to breathe slowly and deeply, inhaling through your nose using your diaphragm. You know you are breathing right if your shoulders do not move up and down when you breathe.

* Second, do not engage in future-based thinking. Often time's people will compound their anxiety by thinking about negative things that may soon happen to them or could happen to them in their panicked state. If you catch yourself thinking "what if", then shift it into "what now".

* Third, *do not try to "fight" the attack*. Typically, fighting an attack brings about resistance which in turn increases the episode. It is better to acknowledge that the attack is occurring and accept the fact that you're experiencing a panic attack and that it will pass. By floating with the symptoms instead of trying to fight them you will immediately decrease the amount of panic you feel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Floating with the panic isn't easy, but if you can do it, you will notice it starts being less huge.


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## thatgirl08

Thank you guys so much.. I really appreciate the suggestions. I'm just trying to stay positive right now. Also, my friend is still working on getting me that second job. If that comes through things will be a lot better.. I can start saving up for a deposit/first months rent for an apartment (and backup money) and maybe start making some extra payments on my car.. I think I'll be a lot less stressed out when I feel like I'm in an okay situation financially. Thanks again guys :]


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## braindeadhead

I'm going to start therapy on Friday. Without that I'm not sure I get through the week. The National helps too...


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## braindeadhead

thatgirl08 said:


> Thank you guys so much.. I really appreciate the suggestions. I'm just trying to stay positive right now. Also, my friend is still working on getting me that second job. If that comes through things will be a lot better.. I can start saving up for a deposit/first months rent for an apartment (and backup money) and maybe start making some extra payments on my car.. I think I'll be a lot less stressed out when I feel like I'm in an okay situation financially. Thanks again guys :]



Thatgirl, I read you post and I'm rooting for you.


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## MizzSnakeBite

thatgirl08 said:


> Thank you guys so much.. I really appreciate the suggestions. I'm just trying to stay positive right now. Also, my friend is still working on getting me that second job. If that comes through things will be a lot better.. I can start saving up for a deposit/first months rent for an apartment (and backup money) and maybe start making some extra payments on my car.. I think I'll be a lot less stressed out when I feel like I'm in an okay situation financially. Thanks again guys :]



Oh, and when doing the self-hypnosis, breathe slowly and deeply. Place your hand on the upper part of your abdomen. You want the feel your hand moving up and down. If it's not, then you're not breathing deeply enough.


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## Miss Vickie

Hey, folks. Just wanted to check in with information about a new drug (new to me, anyway, since I just found out about it. It's called Savella, and it's a fibromyalgia drug; however, my doc put me on it during this difficult period while I deal with the emotional fallout from my brother's illness and death. It's been a rough year. I've lost two people very close to me, including the person who raised me after my parents died (my brother), leaving me without any close family at all. Between that, and our shorter days here in Alaska, I found myself on a steep decline without the time or resources to deal with it.

So he put me on a starter pack and so far I'm pretty happy with it; I'm about three weeks into it. I'm not having any sleeping problems from it as I had in the distant past when I took Zoloft, and it seems to be well tolerated. I'm having minor headaches but they're very manageable and may well be unrelated to the medication since I'm under a lot of stress. You also have to take it twice a day which is annoying but since I'm forever taking vitamins, it's not really that big a deal.

One positive and unexpected aspect is that it seems to be treating the pain from my Sarcoidosis, which started flaring up when I started back to school full time this summer. I just figured that, since we have some fibro sufferers who may or may not also have depression (since having a chronic illness is pretty damn depressing, isn't it?) it might be useful to put out there.


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## MizzSnakeBite

Miss Vickie said:


> Hey, folks. Just wanted to check in with information about a new drug (new to me, anyway, since I just found out about it. It's called Savella, and it's a fibromyalgia drug; however, my doc put me on it during this difficult period while I deal with the emotional fallout from my brother's illness and death. It's been a rough year. I've lost two people very close to me, including the person who raised me after my parents died (my brother), leaving me without any close family at all. Between that, and our shorter days here in Alaska, I found myself on a steep decline without the time or resources to deal with it.
> 
> So he put me on a starter pack and so far I'm pretty happy with it; I'm about three weeks into it. I'm not having any sleeping problems from it as I had in the distant past when I took Zoloft, and it seems to be well tolerated. I'm having minor headaches but they're very manageable and may well be unrelated to the medication since I'm under a lot of stress. You also have to take it twice a day which is annoying but since I'm forever taking vitamins, it's not really that big a deal.
> 
> One positive and unexpected aspect is that it seems to be treating the pain from my Sarcoidosis, which started flaring up when I started back to school full time this summer. I just figured that, since we have some fibro sufferers who may or may not also have depression (since having a chronic illness is pretty damn depressing, isn't it?) it might be useful to put out there.



Have you noticed any weight gain and/or appetite changes? I'm on Lyrica, and have gained a ton of weight...


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## Saoirse

After a few months of feeling really good and happy, I broke down in my car on my way home from work yesterday. 

I feel like Im slowly sinking back in.

blah.


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## Miss Vickie

MizzSnakeBite said:


> Have you noticed any weight gain and/or appetite changes? I'm on Lyrica, and have gained a ton of weight...



Nope. None at all. I looked at rxlist.com which is one of my favorite sites for evaluating a medication, and most people lost a little bit of weight on it. Maybe because so many of us cope with pain/depression by eating? 

Here are a couple of things I've experienced: 

I've noticed that, only on the days I work, I feel a lot warmer when I'm running around, almost kind of hot flash-ey. So I end up not wearing my scrub jacket, and I feel fine. When I'm hanging around at home (like today), doing school work, I don't notice it at all.

Headache. I have a mild headache/neck tension. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the medication, and I'm pretty stressed, but it is mentioned as one of the side effects. 

This may or may not be related to the meds, but yesterday I had this neat epiphany while stressing about school: I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to get straight A's, have a perfectly clean house, and deliriously happy husband. For those of you who know me, this is an _enormous_ thing, because I spent four years in my undergrad pushing myself, getting straight A's, helping with our business, keeping my kids and Burtimus happy, cooked healthy meals, etc etc etc. Anything less and I felt total shame, and I was on that same road with my graduate learning. 

But yesterday, I was listening in on my "self talk". I noticed that I started down that road and immediately, without even thinking about it, heard myself say, "It's okay. Just do your best. That's all you can do, and that's good enough." It was pretty cool. My tendency is still to do "better, more, faster" but noticing that I can internalize the comments made by friends and family about my over developed perfectionism felt like a breakthrough.

And yeah, way less Sarcoid pain. Again, hard to say if it's related or not but I'm working just as hard physically, and my lungs are still kind of cruddy, which usually also translates to bad joint pain. But not now. Interesting.


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## Scorsese86

Saoirse said:


> After a few months of feeling really good and happy, I broke down in my car on my way home from work yesterday.
> 
> I feel like Im slowly sinking back in.
> 
> blah.



I've felt like shit the last few days, after a long and good period of time where it seemed like things were going well. Then, just the oter day... boom. The shit hit the fan, panic attacks and I feel worthless.
I am too afraid of ever going back into the state of mind just one and half year ago.


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## Surlysomething

Struggling.

I want to sleep, a lot. I've been trying so hard for the last two months to get my 'mojo' back but it's been a lot tougher than I thought it would be.

I don't feel attractive. I feel worn down. Happiness is virtually non-existent.


One step in front of the other though, right?


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## thatgirl08

I hope things get better for you Surly.


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## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I hope things get better for you Surly.




Thanks, kiddo. Good days and bad days, right?


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## luscious_lulu

I've not been on the boards much and I seems I've missed a lot. 

(((thatgirl08))) you can get through this. It may not seem like it, but it can be done.


Scorsese & Surlysomthing, I feel your pain. I'm feeling down lately. I just want to sleep


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## nettie

This time of year seems so hard. Most of my students (if you remember, I work in a school serving students with severe mood disorders, anxiety, psychotic features) are really struggling, and they tell me the upcoming holidays will be hell for them. They find so much support in our group time together, and I just wanted to say I'm so glad we have this thread to remind us that we're not alone in our depression and to give us a chance to support each other.


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## Paquito

I'm just so tired of everything.


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## largenlovely

after finding out about my hip replacement and discussing it with a friend's niece who had it done ...i have felt myself slipping back into depression too. She let me know the real deal of what i'd have to go through and how long it would take to recover and it was just seriously depressing. She said that after i get the surgery, i would still have to be very careful about my physical activities for the year following....so, that means limited amounts of exercise and i know the exercise had also helped with depression and lately i have had to cut that out completely.

my doctor had coincidentally raised the dose on my anti-depressant just before we found all this out, thank GOD ...so i do feel myself trying to pull out of it...i'm hoping i win lol...i think i'm dealing with it better but i'm still nervous because i've got a long ways to go.


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## Fat Brian

Well, at least you found out early, without suffering in pain for years without knowing why. Also, you are young enough that the healing process should go more quickly for you. Don't let what your niece said get you down, each person heals in their own way and your doctor will help with your individual recovery.


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## largenlovely

thanks Brian  i'm trying....it's just difficult cuz i've always been such a worry wart and i make things harder on myself sometimes than they really have to be.




Fat Brian said:


> Well, at least you found out early, without suffering in pain for years without knowing why. Also, you are young enough that the healing process should go more quickly for you. Don't let what your niece said get you down, each person heals in their own way and your doctor will help with your individual recovery.


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## luscious_lulu

Paquito said:


> I'm just so tired of everything.



(((hugs))) I know how you feel babe.


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## Fat Brian

largenlovely said:


> thanks Brian  i'm trying....it's just difficult cuz i've always been such a worry wart and i make things harder on myself sometimes than they really have to be.



If you seem to be having waves of anxiety like a panic attack maybe your doctor could give you something for those times . Crystal takes Klonopin for her panic attacks and it really helps.


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## CastingPearls

God bless Xanax..


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## largenlovely

I used to get panic attacks periodically but thank God *knock on wood* i haven't had one in a good while...not to say i haven't felt panic at times, it just hasn't escalated to that point but whenever they used to come on, i learned to recognize them immediately and i would always take Benadryll for it. My best friend has them regularly and she told me that in a pinch Benadryll would help. Mine are so infrequent that i will just take a couple of those if one happens to pop up....but hopefully they'll just stay away.

Mine has been more along the lines of just dreading another long term struggle with mobility more than anything...which i think is just depressing in general.



Fat Brian said:


> If you seem to be having waves of anxiety like a panic attack maybe your doctor could give you something for those times . Crystal takes Klonopin for her panic attacks and it really helps.


----------



## Fat Brian

I imagine that would be depressing. I hate moving and try to do so as little as possible when not working but the idea of not being able to move is unsettling. I remember a while back you were having some health/mobility issues, maybe once the hip gets resolved the rest fall into place. I've read a lot of your posts and you seem to be a very strong person so hopefully this will only be a small bump in the road.


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## thatgirl08

I really wish my doctor would prescribe me one of those medicines that works immediately for panic attacks but she refuses because of my age. That made since when I was 15 and 16, but now that I'm nearly 20 I don't really get it.


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## Sandie_Zitkus

thatgirl08 said:


> I really wish my doctor would prescribe me one of those medicines that works immediately for panic attacks but she refuses because of my age. That made since when I was 15 and 16, but now that I'm nearly 20 I don't really get it.





Is this an MD telling you this? If so you must see a Psychiatrist. They work with these drugs everyday and have to be an MD first. I highly recommend seeing one ASAP. Good luck.


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## Surlysomething

I'm learning new coping skills and putting them into practice can be quite a challenge because you're so conditioned after years of certain behaviour. 

My Mom pretty much hung up on me this morning when I told her my feelings were hurt because she didn't call me about my car accident.

Pretty amazing and continually disappointing. My confession of hurt ended with a dismissal. Par for the course.



Breathe.


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## largenlovely

yeah the last issue was ripping my left leg up (including my ACL)..and it has taken me this whole year to get it to a place where i have been comfortable with it feeling relatively strong...and this hip is the right hip. So i've been having to lean on that left leg and while i feel it's a lot stronger, i don't know how long it will hold out. 

You're right though, i'll make it through  I just hate it is all lol



Fat Brian said:


> I imagine that would be depressing. I hate moving and try to do so as little as possible when not working but the idea of not being able to move is unsettling. I remember a while back you were having some health/mobility issues, maybe once the hip gets resolved the rest fall into place. I've read a lot of your posts and you seem to be a very strong person so hopefully this will only be a small bump in the road.


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## largenlovely

i feel your pain...it sucks when you have a mother that is intolerable. I live that every day

if you figure out how to deal with it...lemme know lol




Surlysomething said:


> I'm learning new coping skills and putting them into practice can be quite a challenge because you're so conditioned after years of certain behaviour.
> 
> My Mom pretty much hung up on me this morning when I told her my feelings were hurt because she didn't call me about my car accident.
> 
> Pretty amazing and continually disappointing. My confession of hurt ended with a dismissal. Par for the course.
> 
> 
> 
> Breathe.


----------



## Fat Brian

thatgirl08 said:


> I really wish my doctor would prescribe me one of those medicines that works immediately for panic attacks but she refuses because of my age. That made since when I was 15 and 16, but now that I'm nearly 20 I don't really get it.



Crystal has bipolar II so the have to give her something. She has a absolutely no luck getting pain medicine for her fibromyalgia though. They've told her shes too young since she was diagnosed at 17, shes 31 now.


----------



## Heyyou

thatgirl08 said:


> I really wish my doctor would prescribe me one of those medicines that works immediately for panic attacks but she refuses because of my age. That made since when I was 15 and 16, but now that I'm nearly 20 I don't really get it.



After 18 and before 18 are differences! It is not just the legal age of adulthood, but i too have gone down this road. The prescriptions and medications interact differently. Ive since chosen the road to disavow any medications, but it is not a popular one.

You should inquire with your doctor if there are any medications that will achieve the desired result, at 20 years of age. Ive been a victim of "unforeseen interactions" and having an age-inappropriate medication and/or dosage, in conjunction with another drug that led to a very very bad result.. and I urge caution, and then after that, wish the best to you.


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## Surlysomething

largenlovely said:


> i feel your pain...it sucks when you have a mother that is intolerable. I live that every day
> 
> if you figure out how to deal with it...lemme know lol


 

My whole family doesn't have a clue. It's pretty sad.


But if I do find the key, i'll cut you a copy. Haha.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> My whole family doesn't have a clue. It's pretty sad.
> 
> 
> But if I do find the key, i'll cut you a copy. Haha.



I can soooo relate. We're dealing with some stuff with my husband's family and it's been brutal. And the downside of social media sites like Facebook is that we're far more "accessible" to them, virtually speaking; I tried to be smart and de-friended his brother because we did nothing but argue about politics. So what does he do? He keeps messaging me, trying to get me to keep the argument going. So even while we're trying to find new ways of coping and communicating, we get static every step of the way. 

Is anyone else having a particularly tough time this holiday season? I'm having a very hard time. Maybe it's some problems my daughter is having, the loss of my brother, and the fact that I'm working full time and going to grad school full time but I have absolutely no reserves and just feel like crawling in a hole. I don't feel depressed, really. Just... like I want to be left the hell ALONE. Which is tough when you're living with people.  I swear today at the grocery store, I wanted to take a hammer to the speakers playing holiday music. The only time I feel reasonably okay is when I'm either a) eating or b) at work.


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## thatgirl08

I appreciate the advice everyone but this is really just the tip of the iceberg with my PCP. Thanks for the well wishes though


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## thatgirl08

My grandma on my mom's side came over to my grandma's on my dad's side's house today (where I currently live) to bring me a card & present .. since I never returned her calls about getting together for Christmas (which I did because I'm currently boycotting that entire side of the family) andddd she told my grandma (dad's side) all about my two cousins and never even asked one single question about me. My grandma (dad's side) told her some stuff about me and what was going on, and next thing I know I hear something about how I'm a brainwashed liberal and theres a generational difference between us, then about 5 minutes of whispers that I couldn't make out, and then them both agreeing "I need to come to grips with it." I went and confronted my grandma that I live with about it anddd she won't give details but I gathered they were discussing how I need to go back to school and how it's stupid I'm working two jobs, etc. etc. Also, something about my parents never disciplining me and not giving me a structured life and that's why I have "all these problems" and I'm "not a perfect child." Direct quotes.

KILL. ME. The only reason I'm not in school is because I'm working two jobs and trying to save money so I can move out and that's because my piece of shit parents don't want me at their house because I might cost them some extra money in electricity and it interferes with their fucking schedule with their new significant others. You'd think that working my ass off would impress them since they all value hard work so much.. but no, not with me. But, THANKS for reminding yet again how flawed I am and how I will never, ever, ever in a million years be able to make any of you fucking people happy. Thank you.

I'm done dancing around the idea that genetics or chemical imbalance plays a role in my mental illness. Nope. It stems directly from being related to the shittiest people on planet earth because the only time I am ever happy and calm is when I am distanced from their belittling, their condescension and their burning disapproval.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I'm done dancing around the idea that genetics or chemical imbalance plays a role in my mental illness. Nope. It stems directly from being related to the shittiest people on planet earth because the only time I am ever happy and calm is when I am distanced from their belittling, their condescension and their burning disapproval.


 
You and me both, sister. I often think that i'm the only sane one in their crazy, manic world. Get yourself right, get your own place and you'll find some happiness.


----------



## largenlovely

i relate to this as well!!! Facebook is a son of a bitch as far as this goes....

Everyone who knows me, knows that my mother is off her rocker (and not just a little bit) ...but with the invention of facebook, to my own horror, they all get to see it up close and personal. She has added all of my friends that i've grown up with and even *i* had to delete her off of my own facebook....but periodically they'll tell me "did you know your mother has been posting this?!??!?!" and the shame comes flooding back full force...ugh...it's just horrible. I then remind them that she's crazy and we continue on with our conversation ...but it's a constant reminder, as if i needed one. 





Miss Vickie said:


> I can soooo relate. We're dealing with some stuff with my husband's family and it's been brutal. And the downside of social media sites like Facebook is that we're far more "accessible" to them, virtually speaking; I tried to be smart and de-friended his brother because we did nothing but argue about politics. So what does he do? He keeps messaging me, trying to get me to keep the argument going. So even while we're trying to find new ways of coping and communicating, we get static every step of the way.


----------



## Surlysomething

It gives me comfort when I read these stories. Just knowing i'm not the only one that has to deal with it, ya know?

Not that I wish it on anybody, but when other people understand ...wow.


----------



## Mishty

Ten days till Christmas and I'm so low, I don't think I'll be back up till after New Years. I've been off my meds for a while, and I guess all those months of "Look at me, I'm doing GREAT, just fine, can't you tell" is coming back to bite me in the ass.

I've been in my Granny's robe for almost two weeks now, even if I get up get ready and go out, have "fun", I still come home break down and crawl back inside this giant pink piece of shit. 

I just want to be normal again, and stop being the "crazy" one that everyone just waits to find over dosed or hanging from the front god damn porch. 

I have so many people that love me, the worlds best friends....yet here I am feeling like the loneliest girl in the world, but really it doesn't matter who I have, because being around people makes me feel even worse, even more like an outcast and a failure. 

If I had a brother or sister, I could handle life better, but having to watch Mama and Daddy kill themselves, and wondering what I'm gonna do when something happens is getting pretty fucking horrific. Now I'm out of college, now my job is over till Spring, and I feel like I'm draining their resources, and being a burden, and Daddy reminds me from time to time.

Oh, he says he would have done anything for his grand child, I was the one that didn't want kids, that hates children. Well fuck, I'm only 28 for the love of christ, and I've worked with kids for 10 years now, so yeah I really hate 'em. Maybe I don't want to bring a child into this crazy fucking bullshit called life. 

How about you don't talk about the man that molested like he's a close family god damn friend? How about that? How about you don't let him into the house to drink punch and god damn cookies. 'Cause I'm so disgusted, and Mama doesn't say a thing just sits there, blank and barely responding. 

so.... /rant


----------



## largenlovely

I'm sorry *hugs* 



Mishty said:


> Ten days till Christmas and I'm so low, I don't think I'll be back up till after New Years. I've been off my meds for a while, and I guess all those months of "Look at me, I'm doing GREAT, just fine, can't you tell" is coming back to bite me in the ass.
> 
> I've been in my Granny's robe for almost two weeks now, even if I get up get ready and go out, have "fun", I still come home break down and crawl back inside this giant pink piece of shit.
> 
> I just want to be normal again, and stop being the "crazy" one that everyone just waits to find over dosed or hanging from the front god damn porch.
> 
> I have so many people that love me, the worlds best friends....yet here I am feeling like the loneliest girl in the world, but really it doesn't matter who I have, because being around people makes me feel even worse, even more like an outcast and a failure.
> 
> If I had a brother or sister, I could handle life better, but having to watch Mama and Daddy kill themselves, and wondering what I'm gonna do when something happens is getting pretty fucking horrific. Now I'm out of college, now my job is over till Spring, and I feel like I'm draining their resources, and being a burden, and Daddy reminds me from time to time.
> 
> Oh, he says he would have done anything for his grand child, I was the one that didn't want kids, that hates children. Well fuck, I'm only 28 for the love of christ, and I've worked with kids for 10 years now, so yeah I really hate 'em. Maybe I don't want to bring a child into this crazy fucking bullshit called life.
> 
> How about you don't talk about the man that molested like he's a close family god damn friend? How about that? How about you don't let him into the house to drink punch and god damn cookies. 'Cause I'm so disgusted, and Mama doesn't say a thing just sits there, blank and barely responding.
> 
> so.... /rant


----------



## mossystate

thatgirl08 said:


> I'm done dancing around the idea that genetics or chemical imbalance plays a role in my mental illness. Nope. It stems directly from being related to the shittiest people on planet earth because the only time I am ever happy and calm is when I am distanced from their belittling, their condescension and their burning disapproval.



The genetics and chemical imbalance things still might play a role, so try not to totally dismiss that. However, you know that you have more than a fighting chance to get to a hugely better place, because you have experienced some calm and happiness...play the hell out of those tapes in your head, without throwing out the former possible pieces to the puzzle. You are doing so much for yourself...never forget that.

To all those in this thread, I would give that last line...and maybe even give it to myself, when I am feeling generous.


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## luscious_lulu

Miss Vickie you can change your profile settings so that you can limit who cam send you pm's or even block a person completely.


----------



## Saoirse

had an insanely rough day and night last week. whatever i took did nothing and i woke up feeling physically fine and alive. i dont even know why i have these thoughts and urges. everything makes me cry, ive completely dropped most of my friends and family from my life, i hide myself from the world. i hate being home, but i hate being out. i go to the bestie's house or to the Camp. if im not at one of those places, im at work, which is slowly sucking the life out of me.

i feel worthless, stupid and desperate.


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## Scorsese86

Saoirse said:


> had an insanely rough day and night last week. whatever i took did nothing and i woke up feeling physically fine and alive. i dont even know why i have these thoughts and urges. everything makes me cry, ive completely dropped most of my friends and family from my life, i hide myself from the world. i hate being home, but i hate being out. i go to the bestie's house or to the Camp. if im not at one of those places, im at work, which is slowly sucking the life out of me.
> 
> i feel worthless, stupid and desperate.



I know the feeling, Saoirse.

I am going home today, for the holidays. I've spent a few months more or less alone, and it's been fine. Now I am going home and I am going to have people around me all the time.

Worthless, stupid and desperate is what I am going to feel on New Year's Eve. I don't know if anyone else think this on New Year's Eve? It's like a reflection of the year that passed, and I always end up crying. I am going to feel like shit this year as well, because I haven't managed to do anything special this year either. Still single, no achievements, nothing to brag about.


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## Miss Vickie

I totally feel for you guys. The holidays are incredibly difficult. I'm having a hard time as we get closer, because the reality of my brother's death is weighing heavily on me. I'm glad I'm on an antidepressant that seems to be working so I can focus, get my work done and feel like I have something to look forward to but it's still a struggle. Part of me keeps saying, "Is it January yet???" I just want the holiday with its expectations and pressure to be over... but then what? More winter ahead and more work to do. Blah.

I also wanted to put in a personal note about how important it is to keep trying different medications until you find one that works for you. My daughter has been struggling with some depression (Alaskan winters are loooooooong and the SAD lights trigger her migraines). She was on Prozac which lifted her mood but made her incredibly agitated, unable to sleep, and very anxious. So we switched drugs and she's on Celexa now and it's amazing how much better she seems. Tons more energy, her mood is more even, and she can sleep. It's not uncommon to try two, three, or four different medications to find the right one for your brain chemistry. 

My advice to those of you out there still struggling is to -- as hard as it is -- don't give up. You will find the right combination for your unique brain chemistry and symptoms. It just takes awhile but it will get better. Be gentle with yourself always, but especially through this holiday season. There is a lot of external expectations about how we "should" feel and act, but none of that is reality. The reality is that most of the people who seem the happiest and have it together feel just as crappy as we do. They're just better at hiding it sometimes, or they've found a way to make peace with it. Do what you can to make you feel better and hang in there. The new year is around the corner, and with that the opportunity for better times ahead.


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## largenlovely

this is very good advice!! My brother died when i was younger and they tried to put me and my dad on Prozac...it didn't work for either of us. In fact, it only seemed to make us worse. When i decided to try an anti-depressant this time, i told my doctor that i wanted something totally not even related to Prozac. He gave me some unknown cheap $4 list anti-depressant and that totally did the trick. We had to adjust the dosage as time has went on, but i love that little pill lol....but i'm glad i didn't totally give up hope and decide to never try one again because of my reaction to the Prozac (though i wish i had tried a different one sooner rather than later) but even struggling as i am now, i know it would be MUCH worse without the anti-depressant. 




Miss Vickie said:


> I also wanted to put in a personal note about how important it is to keep trying different medications until you find one that works for you. My daughter has been struggling with some depression (Alaskan winters are loooooooong and the SAD lights trigger her migraines). She was on Prozac which lifted her mood but made her incredibly agitated, unable to sleep, and very anxious. So we switched drugs and she's on Celexa now and it's amazing how much better she seems. Tons more energy, her mood is more even, and she can sleep. It's not uncommon to try two, three, or four different medications to find the right one for your brain chemistry.


----------



## Miss Vickie

largenlovely said:


> this is very good advice!! My brother died when i was younger and they tried to put me and my dad on Prozac...it didn't work for either of us. In fact, it only seemed to make us worse. When i decided to try an anti-depressant this time, i told my doctor that i wanted something totally not even related to Prozac. He gave me some unknown cheap $4 list anti-depressant and that totally did the trick. We had to adjust the dosage as time has went on, but i love that little pill lol....but i'm glad i didn't totally give up hope and decide to never try one again because of my reaction to the Prozac (though i wish i had tried a different one sooner rather than later) but even struggling as i am now, i know it would be MUCH worse without the anti-depressant.



Thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your brother.  

It just goes to show that we're all different and our bodies respond differently. The problem with psych meds is that we're tinkering with things that we really can't measure effectively through objective means. Plus, these meds can take weeks to have effect. So it's really "hit or miss" with SSRI's/SNRI's/tricyclic's/name your med. Usually docs will prescribe what they feel most comfortable with that matches a particular depression/anxiety profile. But after that? It just depends. 

My daughter had a potentially life threatening reaction to her SSRI (seratonin syndrome) and ended up in the ER -- TWICE. Once we realized that her brain chemistry was particularly sensitive we moved from having our family nurse practitioner prescribing for her to a psychiatrist with more experience in this arena. She chose the Celexa and it seems to be helping, without the crazy side effects. But we're prepared that if this doesn't work, we'll try Plan C, D, E, F, G. Whatever it takes to help her get through this long, dark, cold winter.


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## largenlovely

thank you  i appreciate that

I sure hope this will continue to be one that works for her. It was many years ago that i dealt with the Prozac issue but it can be scary when something doesn't work as you hope it will.

I wish y'all the best of luck 




Miss Vickie said:


> Thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your brother.
> 
> It just goes to show that we're all different and our bodies respond differently. The problem with psych meds is that we're tinkering with things that we really can't measure effectively through objective means. Plus, these meds can take weeks to have effect. So it's really "hit or miss" with SSRI's/SNRI's/tricyclic's/name your med. Usually docs will prescribe what they feel most comfortable with that matches a particular depression/anxiety profile. But after that? It just depends.
> 
> My daughter had a potentially life threatening reaction to her SSRI (seratonin syndrome) and ended up in the ER -- TWICE. Once we realized that her brain chemistry was particularly sensitive we moved from having our family nurse practitioner prescribing for her to a psychiatrist with more experience in this arena. She chose the Celexa and it seems to be helping, without the crazy side effects. But we're prepared that if this doesn't work, we'll try Plan C, D, E, F, G. Whatever it takes to help her get through this long, dark, cold winter.


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## AmazingAmy

So tomorrow I'm finally going to see a doctor. I've spent the last half hour writing and re-writing this post, trying to prepare myself not to get taken seriously, to be patronised, to be told to lose weight, take a walk, take a supplement. Walk the dog and magically feel okay for the first time in a year. I'm trying to fight my own self-loathing too, which is telling me I'm a fraud, that I'm not depressed, just weak, that what I'm feeling is just life and not something that can be fixed. Hysteria and apathy sort of go hand in hand for me. I wish I could just cancel the appointment. I wish I hadn't asked my friend to go along for support, because I don't want anyone to know. My life is too simple for me to feel so complicated. I really don't feel like I deserve to be posting in this thread.


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## Webmaster

AmazingAmy said:


> So tomorrow I'm finally going to see a doctor. I've spent the last half hour writing and re-writing this post, trying to prepare myself not to get taken seriously, to be patronised, to be told to lose weight, take a walk, take a supplement. Walk the dog and magically feel okay for the first time in a year. I'm trying to fight my own self-loathing too, which is telling me I'm a fraud, that I'm not depressed, just weak, that what I'm feeling is just life and not something that can be fixed. Hysteria and apathy sort of go hand in hand for me. I wish I could just cancel the appointment. I wish I hadn't asked my friend to go along for support, because I don't want anyone to know. My life is too simple for me to feel so complicated. I really don't feel like I deserve to be posting in this thread.



The mere fact that this thread is so many pages long shows that depression is an insidious, serious thing. It's hard to figure out, hard to peg, and even harder to manage and make go away. And perhaps hardest is finding someone/something to help. 

In my own experience, there's no magic bullet. And most advice and meds you get won't work. In my own experience, the benefit from trying to get help is not so much in the offered help (in whatever form), but in that the whole process makes you think things through, try new things, and eventually that will lead to digging your way out. No one can tell you for sure what will or will not work for you. However, the good thing is realizing that far more likely than not, you will come across something that'll do it for you. Of that you can be pretty certain.


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## Scorsese86

AmazingAmy said:


> So tomorrow I'm finally going to see a doctor. I've spent the last half hour writing and re-writing this post, trying to prepare myself not to get taken seriously, to be patronised, to be told to lose weight, take a walk, take a supplement. Walk the dog and magically feel okay for the first time in a year. I'm trying to fight my own self-loathing too, which is telling me I'm a fraud, that I'm not depressed, just weak, that what I'm feeling is just life and not something that can be fixed. Hysteria and apathy sort of go hand in hand for me. I wish I could just cancel the appointment. I wish I hadn't asked my friend to go along for support, because I don't want anyone to know. My life is too simple for me to feel so complicated. I really don't feel like I deserve to be posting in this thread.



Good luck, Amy (((Hug)))
I remember the first time I was going to talk about my issues, and how terrible it was. But after a while, things will be better, the thing is you're the last one to notice it, but at this point in your life, you know it can only get better. Yeah, I know it's the shit everybody says it is, and it's a God damn clichee, but things will be better. But it takes time. For some, a very long time. Also, if you're offered medication, you might have to try out more than one kind, to get the right effect.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

Good luck!


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## Miss Vickie

AmazingAmy said:


> So tomorrow I'm finally going to see a doctor. I've spent the last half hour writing and re-writing this post, trying to prepare myself not to get taken seriously, to be patronised, to be told to lose weight, take a walk, take a supplement. Walk the dog and magically feel okay for the first time in a year. I'm trying to fight my own self-loathing too, which is telling me I'm a fraud, that I'm not depressed, just weak, that what I'm feeling is just life and not something that can be fixed. Hysteria and apathy sort of go hand in hand for me. I wish I could just cancel the appointment. I wish I hadn't asked my friend to go along for support, because I don't want anyone to know. My life is too simple for me to feel so complicated. I really don't feel like I deserve to be posting in this thread.



Aw, Amy, much of what you're feeling is the disease of depression talking. That worthlessness, that desire to isolate, the self loathing -- all part of the disease. It doesn't mean you really are those things, but rather that the hormonal malfunction is manifesting that way. The reason that depression is so hard to treat is not that it, in and of itself is resistant to treatment, but rather that the symptoms make people resist going to get help.

You're going to get help. That is an enormous first step. I'm glad you're going. You're worth it. You will feel better and you will be glad you made this very difficult step, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

Please take care, and keep reaching out. We are listening.


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## Forgotten_Futures

Heyyou said:


> After 18 and before 18 are differences! It is not just the legal age of adulthood, but i too have gone down this road. The prescriptions and medications interact differently. Ive since chosen the road to disavow any medications, but it is not a popular one.
> 
> You should inquire with your doctor if there are any medications that will achieve the desired result, at 20 years of age. Ive been a victim of "unforeseen interactions" and having an age-inappropriate medication and/or dosage, in conjunction with another drug that led to a very very bad result.. and I urge caution, and then after that, wish the best to you.



There are several (read: most) drugs of the mind/mood altering sort that will severely fuck with an under-aged individual's well being and development. The best you can generally do below 18 is herbal remedies, certain dietary supplements (such as Taurine (Yay Taurine!)), and finding a good catharsis.


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## GTAFA

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. In the past, being busy was a really useful way to avoid feeling, because when you're busy it's very hard to feel anything. Lately, though, i am just asking myself what's the point.

Currently i am busy on multiple fronts. At work it's fiscal year-end (i always want to say rear end...for obvious reasons). My Mom took a bad fall, and is being very brave as she struggles to get her mobility back; while she's a pleasure, it means lots of contact with my siblings, and we don't get along. Between work & home that means i am in a kind of a primal swamp, having emotions coming up from decades ago, as if i were in therapy but without any couch or padded walls. And i am busy preparing for a concert where i don't feel very confident of the music (but then again neither do any of the other participants...we're all feeling a bit incompetent). So in a nutshell, work is overwhelming me, family is making me feel crazy, i don't even know what day it is or where i am, from spending nights at my mom's looking after her, and my usual solace--music-- is also scaring the crap out of me.

Yes i have so much i should be grateful for (eg my mom didn't break anything...as i discovered after spending half the night in emerg last sunday). My jokes are particularly twisted lately, and i sometimes have to fight the urge to laugh uncontrollably, because my own laughter sounds nuts inside my head.


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## Surlysomething

GTAFA said:


> I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. In the past, being busy was a really useful way to avoid feeling, because when you're busy it's very hard to feel anything. Lately, though, i am just asking myself what's the point.
> 
> Currently i am busy on multiple fronts. At work it's fiscal year-end (i always want to say rear end...for obvious reasons). My Mom took a bad fall, and is being very brave as she struggles to get her mobility back; while she's a pleasure, it means lots of contact with my siblings, and we don't get along. Between work & home that means i am in a kind of a primal swamp, having emotions coming up from decades ago, as if i were in therapy but without any couch or padded walls. And i am busy preparing for a concert where i don't feel very confident of the music (but then again neither do any of the other participants...we're all feeling a bit incompetent). So in a nutshell, work is overwhelming me, family is making me feel crazy, i don't even know what day it is or where i am, from spending nights at my mom's looking after her, and my usual solace--music-- is also scaring the crap out of me.
> 
> Yes i have so much i should be grateful for (eg my mom didn't break anything...as i discovered after spending half the night in emerg last sunday). My jokes are particularly twisted lately, and i sometimes have to fight the urge to laugh uncontrollably, because my own laughter sounds nuts inside my head.


 

I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Sometimes we get totally dog-piled with life and we struggle so hard to breathe. I think the only thing I can offer in 'advice' is to try and take a few moments for yourself. Even if it's for half an hour. Read or go to a park and just sit. It's ok to allow yourself that time. Breathe. Close your eyes and be calm.

I hope things slow down for you soon.


----------



## GTAFA

Surlysomething said:


> I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Sometimes we get totally dog-piled with life and we struggle so hard to breathe. I think the only thing I can offer in 'advice' is to try and take a few moments for yourself. Even if it's for half an hour. Read or go to a park and just sit. It's ok to allow yourself that time. Breathe. Close your eyes and be calm.
> 
> I hope things slow down for you soon.



Thanks for the sensible suggestion. Actually Dimensions is one of my chief coping mechanisms. Coming to this virtual "place," assembling my thoughts into something almost coherent helps me feel a bit saner, particularly if someone bears witness (things feel a bit less pointless that way).

Thanks!


----------



## Surlysomething

GTAFA said:


> Thanks for the sensible suggestion. Actually Dimensions is one of my chief coping mechanisms. Coming to this virtual "place," assembling my thoughts into something almost coherent helps me feel a bit saner, particularly if someone bears witness (things feel a bit less pointless that way).
> 
> Thanks!


 

So many people don't take time for themselves. I never thought about focused breathing until someone suggested it to me. But wow, what a difference it makes.

Good luck!


----------



## mossystate

AmazingAmy said:


> So tomorrow I'm finally going to see a doctor. I've spent the last half hour writing and re-writing this post, trying to prepare myself not to get taken seriously, to be patronised, to be told to lose weight, take a walk, take a supplement. Walk the dog and magically feel okay for the first time in a year. I'm trying to fight my own self-loathing too, which is telling me I'm a fraud, that I'm not depressed, just weak, that what I'm feeling is just life and not something that can be fixed. Hysteria and apathy sort of go hand in hand for me. I wish I could just cancel the appointment. I wish I hadn't asked my friend to go along for support, because I don't want anyone to know. My life is too simple for me to feel so complicated. I really don't feel like I deserve to be posting in this thread.



Just read this, so I know you have already gone to your appointment. I hope things went well for you, and that you are experiencing even a tiny bit of relief making that step. I think it is really positive that you asked a friend to go with you. Depression grows in the dark. Even if the other person ( not talking about your friend, necessarily ) doesn't give the exact support you need at any moment, the fact that you asked for support is...H.U.G.E. Please remember that as you move along, looking for what you need. Every ' little ' step/attempt/moment adds up. Also, try to not look too much at how much horrible other lives are and that you shouldn't ' whine ' about yours, because while it's not bad to remember, you can't force yourself out of, or wish away, the very real and valid struggles you are experiencing. Your life will be defined by a lot of things, but not by the lives of others. Come back here if you need to, or reach out wherever you think you see a safe place.


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## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Sometimes we get totally dog-piled with life and we struggle so hard to breathe. I think the only thing I can offer in 'advice' is to try and take a few moments for yourself. Even if it's for half an hour. Read or go to a park and just sit. It's ok to allow yourself that time. Breathe. Close your eyes and be calm.
> 
> I hope things slow down for you soon.



Yup. I agree. Taking a few moments, even if it's just in a car, an elevator, or a bathroom, it's something.

I think I've hit my wall, emotionally speaking, and am seeking a therapist. I've had a lot going on this year -- my brother died, I was diagnosed with (another!) chronic illness, and am going to school full time and working full time -- and I think I just reached my limit. I've noticed myself being near tears at various times and it happened this morning only the tears came and would... not... stop. 

The trigger? An ongoing assignment that has been, in turns, graded by more than one faculty member. So I do it a certain way and get a great grade. Super! But now there is a different faculty member grading it and she's grading me much lower, and has a different way she wants me to do it. So then I did it her way, and she had even MORE criticisms. I about hit the roof when I got my latest grade. I am not stupid, I know how to do written work, and I've always gotten A's. This was just the last straw. So I stayed home from my clinical rotation, read a little Jane Eyre, called a therapist, and reached out to a friend (who has unfortunately let me down, which is disappointing). 

The message gleaned from all this (besides my need to get over my desire to get straight A's)? We have got to take care of ourselves. When we don't, whatever issue it is that's causing distress will knock louder... and louder... and louder until we can't NOT listen.

Best of luck to everyone dealing with depression. It's tough, especially when people who haven't experienced it just don't get it and feel like you should just "man up". There is no "walk it off" with depression. We can do things which help us buy a little time, sometimes, but ultimately most of us need professional care.


----------



## Oirish

AmazingAmy said:


> So tomorrow I'm finally going to see a doctor. I've spent the last half hour writing and re-writing this post, trying to prepare myself not to get taken seriously, to be patronised, to be told to lose weight, take a walk, take a supplement. Walk the dog and magically feel okay for the first time in a year. I'm trying to fight my own self-loathing too, which is telling me I'm a fraud, that I'm not depressed, just weak, that what I'm feeling is just life and not something that can be fixed. Hysteria and apathy sort of go hand in hand for me. I wish I could just cancel the appointment. I wish I hadn't asked my friend to go along for support, because I don't want anyone to know. My life is too simple for me to feel so complicated. I really don't feel like I deserve to be posting in this thread.



I know it's too late to say good luck but I hope your visit was productive. 
Nobody can tell you how to feel about yourself or the world. I hope that you and everyone else here suffering from depression find healthy ways to focus more on whatever makes you smile. We've all got something special to offer and I'm sure you'll find a great way to express it.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Yup. I agree. Taking a few moments, even if it's just in a car, an elevator, or a bathroom, it's something.
> 
> I think I've hit my wall, emotionally speaking, and am seeking a therapist. I've had a lot going on this year -- my brother died, I was diagnosed with (another!) chronic illness, and am going to school full time and working full time -- and I think I just reached my limit. I've noticed myself being near tears at various times and it happened this morning only the tears came and would... not... stop.
> 
> The trigger? An ongoing assignment that has been, in turns, graded by more than one faculty member. So I do it a certain way and get a great grade. Super! But now there is a different faculty member grading it and she's grading me much lower, and has a different way she wants me to do it. So then I did it her way, and she had even MORE criticisms. I about hit the roof when I got my latest grade. I am not stupid, I know how to do written work, and I've always gotten A's. This was just the last straw. So I stayed home from my clinical rotation, read a little Jane Eyre, called a therapist, and reached out to a friend (who has unfortunately let me down, which is disappointing).
> 
> The message gleaned from all this (besides my need to get over my desire to get straight A's)? We have got to take care of ourselves. When we don't, whatever issue it is that's causing distress will knock louder... and louder... and louder until we can't NOT listen.
> 
> Best of luck to everyone dealing with depression. It's tough, especially when people who haven't experienced it just don't get it and feel like you should just "man up". There is no "walk it off" with depression. We can do things which help us buy a little time, sometimes, but ultimately most of us need professional care.


 

I really try to live in the moments more. It's the only way I can manage my stress. If I think too far ahead, I get overwhelmed.

I hope things ease up for you a bit. Counseling helps a lot.


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## Surlysomething

Exhausted and over-whelmed. 
Tired from life. Over-whelmed by ridiculous people.


Having one of _those _weeks.


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## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I really try to live in the moments more. It's the only way I can manage my stress. If I think too far ahead, I get overwhelmed.
> 
> I hope things ease up for you a bit. Counseling helps a lot.



Thanks. Counseling and a med change have helped a lot. I've found that since starting school my anxiety has gone through the roof, and become much more of a problem than the depression. So we're working on that. She's got me on a better sleep regimen and the cognitive therapy is working well in helping me change how I think about things, rather than getting overwhelmed and just reacting to stress.



Surlysomething said:


> Exhausted and over-whelmed.
> Tired from life. Over-whelmed by ridiculous people.
> 
> 
> Having one of _those _weeks.



Oh no. I'm sorry. That makes it tough, being tired, and then having to deal with other people's crap. I feel for you. If I can offer advice, just do what you can to pamper yourself. You're working through some tough stuff and deserve gentleness from yourself.

Take care, ok?


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Thanks. Counseling and a med change have helped a lot. I've found that since starting school my anxiety has gone through the roof, and become much more of a problem than the depression. So we're working on that. She's got me on a better sleep regimen and the cognitive therapy is working well in helping me change how I think about things, rather than getting overwhelmed and just reacting to stress.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh no. I'm sorry. That makes it tough, being tired, and then having to deal with other people's crap. I feel for you. If I can offer advice, just do what you can to pamper yourself. You're working through some tough stuff and deserve gentleness from yourself.
> 
> Take care, ok?



I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Getting on track is so important.

And thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. 

I think my main problem when I feel bad is taking it out on myself. Instead of pampering I go the other route. I know things aren't very good when I don't care what I look like.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Getting on track is so important.
> 
> And thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.



Well, for what it's worth. I know advice isn't always helpful but I also know what it is to feel that kind of pain. You've got a lot going on, and being handed a diagnosis, even though it's not acutely bad now, makes it that much worse. I hadn't realized how much my diagnoses -- sarcoidosis, thyroid cancer (treated), and no pseudotumor -- had contributed to my depression. You, too, have a lot going on medically. 



> I think my main problem when I feel bad is taking it out on myself. Instead of pampering I go the other route. I know things aren't very good when I don't care what I look like.



I know what you mean. That's so easy to do, and depression's soul suckiness certainly encourages that behavior. That's the disease, unfortunately. It's how it is able to perpetuate itself in your brain and behavior, by encouraging you to do things that further lower your serotonin levels. I'm sorry, honey. It's hard, I know. But every time you overcome it, is a victory.

Hoping for better days for all of us.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Hoping for better days for all of us.


 
Agreed! Thanks for all your positive reinforcement. 

I try for the one day at a time thing. Reminding myself of what was good about a day and how I can make the next day better. Or at least what I can tackle so it's not so daunting.


----------



## Hole

I seem to be numb or I slip into feeling depressed and then feel numb. I'm not sure what it is. I have a lot going on and I stuff my feelings with food.


----------



## Surlysomething

I feel fucked up and tired.

A person shouldn't be in tears by 7:20am for no reason.


----------



## braindeadhead

This lowest I've ever felt. I fantasize about breaking my joint or pulling the skin from my face or ripping my teeth out. I don't know why. I don't feel anger when I do theses things. In fact I feel calm as if it the normal thing to do.

What's wrong with me....


----------



## Surlysomething

Holy crap, what is wrong with all of us? Haha.


There has to be something in the air.


----------



## Surlysomething

I don't always mean to be such a downer. 

I come here to let it out. I swear if I started screaming everything out-loud that I would never stop.


----------



## Theatrmuse/Kara

"The message gleaned from all this (besides my need to get over my desire to get straight A's)? We have got to take care of ourselves. When we don't, whatever issue it is that's causing distress will knock louder... and louder... and louder until we can't NOT listen."

Vickie, words of such wisdom here. Thank you. I needed to hear that tonight!
Hugs, Kara


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I don't always mean to be such a downer.
> 
> I come here to let it out. I swear if I started screaming everything out-loud that I would never stop.



Hey, this is the place for it. And if letting it out helps, then that's a good thing. All any of us can do is the best we can.



Theatrmuse/Kara said:


> "The message gleaned from all this (besides my need to get over my desire to get straight A's)? We have got to take care of ourselves. When we don't, whatever issue it is that's causing distress will knock louder... and louder... and louder until we can't NOT listen."
> 
> Vickie, words of such wisdom here. Thank you. I needed to hear that tonight!
> Hugs, Kara



Glad it could help, Kara. I know you're having a rough time right now. I'm amazed at how you're continuing along with your life; I'm not sure I'd have the same strength.

My update: Doing well with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) having small and large successes with my dealings with those nearest and dearest to me, and my boss at work. One setback: I spent two nights ago in the ER and have been diagnosed with diverticulitis (a disease my mom had, incidentally). We're trying to avoid surgery, and I'm playing nice, eating soft foods, taking my meds and hoping for the best. But I gotta admit a certain amount of anger with my body right now that it keeps letting me down with one hit after another. 

So in frustration (defiance?), after getting three hours of sleep and being in severe pain, I worked all day doing clinicals (and did a great job). I felt that even though I did everything "right", my body has, yet again, turned on me. I know it's not a rational thought, but it's an easy emotional place for me to go.

Ugh. Frustrating.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> My update: Doing well with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) having small and large successes with my dealings with those nearest and dearest to me, and my boss at work. One setback: I spent two nights ago in the ER and have been diagnosed with diverticulitis (a disease my mom had, incidentally). We're trying to avoid surgery, and I'm playing nice, eating soft foods, taking my meds and hoping for the best. But I gotta admit a certain amount of anger with my body right now that it keeps letting me down with one hit after another.
> 
> So in frustration (defiance?), after getting three hours of sleep and being in severe pain, I worked all day doing clinicals (and did a great job). I felt that even though I did everything "right", my body has, yet again, turned on me. I know it's not a rational thought, but it's an easy emotional place for me to go.
> 
> Ugh. Frustrating.


 
Well, shit. I'm so sorry to hear you're not feeling well. It seems like just when you have one thing under control another one pops up.

Feel better, lady.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Well, shit. I'm so sorry to hear you're not feeling well. It seems like just when you have one thing under control another one pops up.
> 
> Feel better, lady.



Aw, thanks! I've been doing clinicals these last two days and now I have two days of "real work". No rest for the weary and sick I suppose.


----------



## Surlysomething

"Our obligation to honor our parents does not mean putting your emotional well-being in danger."

I think it's time to stop trying with my cruel, mentally abusive father.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> "Our obligation to honor our parents does not mean putting your emotional well-being in danger."
> 
> I think it's time to stop trying with my cruel, mentally abusive father.



Such a hard decision to come to, and I admire you for getting there. You deserve to be treated with respect and care -- particularly by your parents.

Best of luck to you on your journey to put your emotional needs first.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Such a hard decision to come to, and I admire you for getting there. You deserve to be treated with respect and care -- particularly by your parents.
> 
> Best of luck to you on your journey to put your emotional needs first.


 

Thanks, MV.

He's been emotionally cruel to me since my real Mom died when I was 11. It's like i'm a constant reminder of his old life. He's really burned a lot of bridges with me lately and I feel that cutting him out of my life is the only way i'll survive. All my self-hatred is tied into his acceptance of me and i'm bloody 40 years old.

I honestly look at every pound on my body like a war wound.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks, MV.
> 
> He's been emotionally cruel to me since my real Mom died when I was 11. It's like i'm a constant reminder of his old life. He's really burned a lot of bridges with me lately and I feel that cutting him out of my life is the only way i'll survive. All my self-hatred is tied into his acceptance of me and i'm bloody 40 years old.
> 
> I honestly look at every pound on my body like a war wound.



That's horrible, to abuse a child like that. Some adults shouldn't be allowed near children. I had to cut my brother out of my life, because he physically and emotionally abused me. It was tough, particularly because our parents died when I was 12 and I have little family left, but enough was enough. I wasn't really able to heal from the abuse until I put myself first and set my boundaries. I have no regrets. He died a couple years ago without us reconciling, and still -- no regrets. Sadness that we weren't able to have a safe and loving relationship, but I might as well be sad that I'm not married to Prince William. Badness happens that we can't control and our only option is to do what's best in an untenable situation.

You deserve to be treated respectfully. If he can't behave like a reasonable human being, it seems like you're not left any options. Letting him stay in your life to continue to terrorize you emotionally doesn't seem like a workable option, does it? I know it's familiar and "easy", but is it any kind of life? Would you wish it on any of your friends? Would you wish it on me?

When I was able to step back and look at my relationship with my brother more objectively I was able to see that expecting him to change was unfair, and expecting myself to suck it up was also unfair. So the only real option was to part company. It was hard.  

What a tough situation you're in. I'm so sorry. I really wish I could help.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I am so sorry to hear all of you are having such a hard time..I was going through some rough time myself and then I did something that has helped me since..I began to rerun my life through my mind and apologize to myself for some of the stuff that went on even if it was not my fault...It seems to have helped me deal with some of the stuff I couldn't let go of,the nasty stuff that was keeping me so sad..I feel better and am wanting to go and do things that I would not do before..


----------



## Scorsese86

Has anyone spent years isolating yourself, and, once you figure that was a bad idea, managed to get out there again? I am not sure how to express what I am thinking right now, but I hope someone picks up on it. Has someone managed to return to be the same old, social self?


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I have.. I became a hermit of sorts for over 5 years and didn't really care about being around other people..It took me a few tries before I was comfortable enough to get out and be around a big crowd of people again..I now go as much as I can and spend time with others that make me feel good about myself..It is really liberating to be out and about a lot!


----------



## HottiMegan

I hate the anxiety and self loathing i have had lately with my depression. I haven't had a good night sleep in three days because all my dreams are either nightmares or so filled with anxiety that i wake up a lot. I feel like there's something just on the horizon that's waiting to ruin everything. I can't shake that feeling. 

I'm having a hard time dealing with the possibility that Alex might have something on the autism spectrum. I had such a rough time with Max an all his surgeries and therapies over the years and it feels like that light we saw at the end of the tunnel just disappeared with what lays ahead with Alex now.


----------



## Surlysomething

HottiMegan said:


> I hate the anxiety and self loathing i have had lately with my depression. I haven't had a good night sleep in three days because all my dreams are either nightmares or so filled with anxiety that i wake up a lot. I feel like there's something just on the horizon that's waiting to ruin everything. I can't shake that feeling.
> 
> I'm having a hard time dealing with the possibility that Alex might have something on the autism spectrum. I had such a rough time with Max an all his surgeries and therapies over the years and it feels like that light we saw at the end of the tunnel just disappeared with what lays ahead with Alex now.


 

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy, Megan. Is there anyway you can get out of the apartment for awhile by yourself? Treat yourself to a pedicure or something? I know it's not much, but it could brighten your mood a bit.


----------



## HottiMegan

I am going to get sort of a break next week. Max is leaving for a week to be with his grandpa. So I might be able to get away for a while one evening..


----------



## Surlysomething

Dad, if you dislike me so much, why do you answer the phone when I call 
- you can clearly see my number on call display. If you have nothing nice to say, how about you don't say anything at all.

The emotional abuse continues.


----------



## Surlysomething

Surlysomething said:


> Dad, if you dislike me so much, why do you answer the phone when I call
> - you can clearly see my number on call display. If you have nothing nice to say, how about you don't say anything at all.
> 
> The emotional abuse continues.




I've had quite the melt-downy weekend and i'm really sick of sounding like a broken record over this stuff, so apologies. I really need to get it out though.

My Mom has been great, thankfully. I think my only saving grace is that she agrees that i've done nothing wrong and don't deserve any of his crazy. But she has to live with the man so it's not like she can really take sides. So here I am. I've slept a lot and thought a lot. The only conclusion that i've come to is that I really like showers as they have a calming affect and the beach is really where my soul lives.

I'm still here.


----------



## Scorsese86

Surlysomething said:


> I've had quite the melt-downy weekend and i'm really sick of sounding like a broken record over this stuff, so apologies. I really need to get it out though.
> 
> My Mom has been great, thankfully. I think my only saving grace is that she agrees that i've done nothing wrong and don't deserve any of his crazy. But she has to live with the man so it's not like she can really take sides. So here I am. I've slept a lot and thought a lot. The only conclusion that i've come to is that I really like showers as they have a calming affect and the beach is really where my soul lives.
> 
> I'm still here.



It seems like we have a similar relationship with dads. Well, I never call him, and he calls me and yells about me never calling him. I don't want to spend my money listening to him telling me what a dissapoitment I am, and how I am not "normal". Sometimes he talks to me like I am five, other times like I'm 25. It all depends on what he is talking about. According to me, any normal guy my age should not waste my time study or follow my dreams. He talks to me about going to college, acting like a smartass. And anyone almost twenty-five should have a private life and found the one their ideal partner. Also, just because I don't have enough money, I should save money all the time, even though I am not a big spender.

Sorry, rant.

My mom is also an amazing woman. Thankfully, she left my dad several years ago. Whenever he has called me, I can always tell her, and she understands. To be honest, I think it's just me and her who understands how terrible he can be at times...

When I started in therapy, I told him, and he went nuts. He said something along the lines that I shouldn't tell him about him. Yeah, right. He was the numer one problem because of my anxiety and depression back then.


----------



## Surlysomething

Scorsese86 said:


> It seems like we have a similar relationship with dads. Well, I never call him, and he calls me and yells about me never calling him. I don't want to spend my money listening to him telling me what a dissapoitment I am, and how I am not "normal". Sometimes he talks to me like I am five, other times like I'm 25. It all depends on what he is talking about. According to me, any normal guy my age should not waste my time study or follow my dreams. He talks to me about going to college, acting like a smartass. And anyone almost twenty-five should have a private life and found the one their ideal partner. Also, just because I don't have enough money, I should save money all the time, even though I am not a big spender.
> 
> Sorry, rant.
> 
> My mom is also an amazing woman. Thankfully, she left my dad several years ago. Whenever he has called me, I can always tell her, and she understands. To be honest, I think it's just me and her who understands how terrible he can be at times...
> 
> When I started in therapy, I told him, and he went nuts. He said something along the lines that I shouldn't tell him about him. Yeah, right. He was the numer one problem because of my anxiety and depression back then.


 
I wish our Dad's had some friends of their own to hang out with. Maybe then they wouldn't rely on their kids for all the emotional punching bag bullshit.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I'm with you on the father thing. My father and I have never gotten along. I was a physical punching bag as a child until he got in trouble, then I was the emotional punching bag from then on. 

It's over 12 years since I called him on his physical abuse and he's still going with emotional. But then again, my entire family is part of it, now.

But my father doesn't call unless he wants something or is angry about something. I don't call him anymore. It always ends up badly. I beg others to call if I need some information from him. Gawd, I hate even just looking at my father, let alone be in the same room and have to endure him.

I've always been a failure to my family, and to him. You know it's bad when your own father says, in front of family and friends, that he wishes you would get into a relationship with a man who would physically abuse you, just to put you in your place.



Yeah. I hate my father very deeply. If he dies, I'm not going to his funeral. No way in Hell.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I've had quite the melt-downy weekend and i'm really sick of sounding like a broken record over this stuff, so apologies. I really need to get it out though.
> 
> My Mom has been great, thankfully. I think my only saving grace is that she agrees that i've done nothing wrong and don't deserve any of his crazy. But she has to live with the man so it's not like she can really take sides. So here I am. I've slept a lot and thought a lot. The only conclusion that i've come to is that I really like showers as they have a calming affect and the beach is really where my soul lives.
> 
> I'm still here.



I'm glad you're still here and I think the questions you're asking -- why answer the phone when all you have to offer is abuse -- are good ones. You can stop contacting him at any time, when _you_ decide "enough is enough". In the meantime, I know, it's tough. We want them to love us and be kind and by rights they should be. Some people are broken, though, and can't treat us as we deserve to be treated and have nothing to offer but pain. And yet we keep trying, giving them chance after chance, because we wish so much for them to be different.

I'm so sorry you're hurt. I hurt for you. I want a better life for you. ((((Surlysomething)))) Hang in there. Stay with us. Believe in your future. And yes, use those showers. I'm with you -- the beach is where it's at. 

Let me know if I can help, ok?


----------



## Surlysomething

CarlaSixx said:


> I'm with you on the father thing. My father and I have never gotten along. I was a physical punching bag as a child until he got in trouble, then I was the emotional punching bag from then on.
> 
> It's over 12 years since I called him on his physical abuse and he's still going with emotional. But then again, my entire family is part of it, now.
> 
> But my father doesn't call unless he wants something or is angry about something. I don't call him anymore. It always ends up badly. I beg others to call if I need some information from him. Gawd, I hate even just looking at my father, let alone be in the same room and have to endure him.
> 
> I've always been a failure to my family, and to him. You know it's bad when your own father says, in front of family and friends, that he wishes you would get into a relationship with a man who would physically abuse you, just to put you in your place.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah. I hate my father very deeply. If he dies, I'm not going to his funeral. No way in Hell.



Wow. We should form a "Crazy Dad's " therapy group or something.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> I'm glad you're still here and I think the questions you're asking -- why answer the phone when all you have to offer is abuse -- are good ones. You can stop contacting him at any time, when _you_ decide "enough is enough". In the meantime, I know, it's tough. We want them to love us and be kind and by rights they should be. Some people are broken, though, and can't treat us as we deserve to be treated and have nothing to offer but pain. And yet we keep trying, giving them chance after chance, because we wish so much for them to be different.
> 
> I'm so sorry you're hurt. I hurt for you. I want a better life for you. ((((Surlysomething)))) Hang in there. Stay with us. Believe in your future. And yes, use those showers. I'm with you -- the beach is where it's at.
> 
> Let me know if I can help, ok?



Thanks. I'm so exhausted.

You're sweet for caring.


----------



## Mishty

I've been feeling myself slip into a rut for weeks, and I know I'm hurting people I care about with my lack of caring and I'm really upset, and severely hating myself because I just sent the longest, most heart felt email to a girl I care a great deal about, but I'm just not feeling what she's feeling anymore, and I feel like a horrible person that can't be pleased, but I just want to be happy, and nothing anyone can do can make me happy. It's all my job, not hers or anyone else. I can't be what she needs, or anyone else. I just need to talk, but I don't have the cash to call my doctor, and I can't trust anyone with what's eating at me, it's not a big deal, it's just shame I think, big over grown balls of shame that have snow balled into boulders inside my heart. 

I suck at life.


----------



## Surlysomething

Mishty said:


> I've been feeling myself slip into a rut for weeks, and I know I'm hurting people I care about with my lack of caring and I'm really upset, and severely hating myself because I just sent the longest, most heart felt email to a girl I care a great deal about, but I'm just not feeling what she's feeling anymore, and I feel like a horrible person that can't be pleased, but I just want to be happy, and nothing anyone can do can make me happy. It's all my job, not hers or anyone else. I can't be what she needs, or anyone else. I just need to talk, but I don't have the cash to call my doctor, and I can't trust anyone with what's eating at me, it's not a big deal, it's just shame I think, big over grown balls of shame that have snow balled into boulders inside my heart.
> 
> I suck at life.



I feel your pain. _Try_ and find someone you can reach out to.


----------



## Surlysomething

I had a really good day today. Nothing crazy or out of the ordinary happened, I just felt more comfortable in my own skin for a change. I'm trying really hard to let some demons go that are beyond my control.

The weather was GORGEOUS and I spent some time by the water.

I'm not dreading work for a change. Yay! Haha.

I hope you all had a nice weekend. :batting:


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I had a really good day today. Nothing crazy or out of the ordinary happened, I just felt more comfortable in my own skin for a change. I'm trying really hard to let some demons go that are beyond my control.
> 
> The weather was GORGEOUS and I spent some time by the water.
> 
> I'm not dreading work for a change. Yay! Haha.
> 
> I hope you all had a nice weekend. :batting:



It's those good days that help us through the rough times. I'm glad you were able to enjoy a little slice of life. Here's hoping to better times!

I'm having a hard time managing my anxiety but it's situational right now. There's a situation going on in my life that's out of my control that's pushing all my buttons. Just trying to keep my head above water.


----------



## Paquito

It's not been a good week.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Paquito said:


> It's not been a good week.



I'm sorry, Paquito.  Do you feel like you have someone there you can talk to?


----------



## Paquito

Miss Vickie said:


> I'm sorry, Paquito.  Do you feel like you have someone there you can talk to?



Sorry I didn't respond. I don't talk to anyone about it, which isn't particularly healthy. I need to work on that.

Thank you for expressing concern though, I greatly appreciate it.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Paquito said:


> Sorry I didn't respond. I don't talk to anyone about it, which isn't particularly healthy. I need to work on that.
> 
> Thank you for expressing concern though, I greatly appreciate it.



It's hard to reach out, I think, for most people. Usually I'm pretty good at it, but this time for some reason I've been isolating more than usual. I hope you can find some peace and a way to feel better about things.

Take care, ok?


----------



## Theatrmuse/Kara

I do that isolating thing, too. During the summer I am not teaching and spend a lot of time at home. I don't reach out to my friends much, don't return their calls, etc.

I tend to be more open in the months I teach.....maybe it is a self-preservation of energy to use in the work months to stay isolated so much in the summers. Don't know.

Just my 2 cents.


----------



## Miss Vickie

So Kara, you think you isolate less when you teach? I'd think you would isolate more. Isn't it interesting how our minds work? I have learned over the decades that there really is something to be said for alone time and recharging batteries. It's not something I ever did before but as I get older, I crave it.

And yet, the isolating thing is unusual for me. Usually I'm all about sharing, and if anything, I over share and feel that I depend on others too much. But right now I'm really not sharing much at all, for lots of different reasons. I had tried reaching out to a friend about a concern and was pretty unceremoniously slapped down, so maybe I'm still smarting over that.

I saw my therapist this week, however, and she was surprised that I hadn't called her when I was so low. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. I think I was too deep into it (and I think I was premenstrual which didn't help) to really do anything but self analyze. So we're adjusting my meds -- she feels that a lot of the increase in pain I've had lately (worsening headaches, stomach aches and joint pain) is depression which again, never entered my mind. I figured it was my Sarcoid or my pseudotumor or both. I've never had pain before from depression. Go figure. 

Doing much better now, though. We got some good news which has set my mind at ease and I have just a little over a week of school until I have a break until fall. Definitely something to look forward to.


----------



## Surlysomething

Certain events lately had led me to believe I can trust no one truly in my family. This includes my best friends.


I'm heart-broken and horrified.


I'm not sure what is going happen long term, but right now I feel numb.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Certain events lately had led me to believe I can trust no one truly in my family. This includes my best friends.
> 
> 
> I'm heart-broken and horrified.
> 
> 
> I'm not sure what is going happen long term, but right now I feel numb.



I'm sorry, Surlysomething. That's so rough. I think perhaps the numbness now is a blessing, to give you some space and time before you have to deal with such an awful betrayal.

Take care, okay? Hang in there. Things have to start improving soon.


----------



## Scorsese86

I've been very good at the isolating bit now. Back at college, and I haven't been at any of the student meetings after class, or any of the activities. Spend hours with a bunch of people I don't know. No, I am not in the mood for that.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> I'm sorry, Surlysomething. That's so rough. I think perhaps the numbness now is a blessing, to give you some space and time before you have to deal with such an awful betrayal.
> 
> Take care, okay? Hang in there. Things have to start improving soon.


 

Thanks. Something's gotta give, ya know? Why does my brain fire so differently than other people's? 

Hope you're well.


----------



## Surlysomething

Scorsese86 said:


> I've been very good at the isolating bit now. Back at college, and I haven't been at any of the student meetings after class, or any of the activities. Spend hours with a bunch of people I don't know. No, I am not in the mood for that.


 
Sometimes you seriously have to force yourself to do those things though. It is never as bad as you think.

I don't say that lightly though because I TOTALLY know where you're coming from.

Try and have a good day, ok?


----------



## Scorsese86

Surlysomething said:


> Sometimes you seriously have to force yourself to do those things though. It is never as bad as you think.
> 
> I don't say that lightly though because I TOTALLY know where you're coming from.
> 
> Try and have a good day, ok?



I know, I know. No classes today though, and I've spent the day mostly in bed reading... need to go to the store but it's not tempting.


----------



## Surlysomething

Scorsese86 said:


> I know, I know. No classes today though, and I've spent the day mostly in bed reading... need to go to the store but it's not tempting.


 
Nothing wrong with reading all day in bed.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks. Something's gotta give, ya know? Why does my brain fire so differently than other people's?
> 
> Hope you're well.



My Psych NP likes to remind me about my overactive amygdala. It helps me remember why I react the way I do. And the meds help, eventually.

I'm having a rough time now. Not emotionally, but physically. I seem to be on a nasty Sarcoid spiral and the five day dose packs get it under control for a few days, only to have it rear up even worse. Had a bunch of blood work done today, and was given another dose pack AND a steroid inhaler.

Sarcoid sucks.



Surlysomething said:


> Nothing wrong with reading all day in bed.



That's pretty much all I've been doing when I'm not working, and I gotta tell you, it's great good fun. I'm making exceptional progress through the George RR Martin series on my iPad, and my heating pad is getting a nice workout.


----------



## comaseason

I'm back trying to connect with people after more than a year of spiraling downwards. It was building for a long time, most of my life, and then it was like my insides just collapsed - like this is enough, time to take care of yourself.

After a several boatloads of treatment I know that I have medication resistant depression, which is not all that uncommon - it's just not talked about much.

The last few years have been really hard, but I have learned some ways to cope that are better than what I've employed in the past. I have had really good mental health care which I'm extremely grateful for. Someone recommended to me ACT therapy which has helped me survive during the worst of it. It taught me to anchor myself in the present moment without struggling with the past or future worries, it has helped me live.

I send my best to all of you, who, like me, are still struggling but want to hope for something more.

Right on, right on.


----------



## Surlysomething

I hate asking for help. It makes my skin crawl.

After my last meltdown on the phone with my mother she encouraged me to ask for help, that they're always there if I need anything.

So, i'm struggling financially (aren't we all) and I finally found the balls to call her for help. No return phone calls. Phoned at 4, never heard anything back. Phoned her at work this morning. Nothing. Finally get ahold of her and she's blowing me off. Her work apparently is more important than anyone else's work. You would think she was a heart surgeon. It's ok to call me at my job about anything, but god forbid I need help and I get the cold shoulder. It's mind boggling to me.

It just feeds my self hatred even more and my total distrust of almost everyone in my life.


----------



## GTAFA

I am posting this link here --in this thread-- even though it's only partly relevant. I feel it may make people feel a bit less stigmatized about depression reading about celebrities with depression.





http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/...?ncid=webmail16#s344898&title=Angelina_Jolie_

It's news in Toronto, because Wade Belak, a former Toronto hockey star, known to be very smiley, successful, etc. killed himself yesterday.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I hate asking for help. It makes my skin crawl.
> 
> After my last meltdown on the phone with my mother she encouraged me to ask for help, that they're always there if I need anything.
> 
> So, i'm struggling financially (aren't we all) and I finally found the balls to call her for help. No return phone calls. Phoned at 4, never heard anything back. Phoned her at work this morning. Nothing. Finally get ahold of her and she's blowing me off. Her work apparently is more important than anyone else's work. You would think she was a heart surgeon. It's ok to call me at my job about anything, but god forbid I need help and I get the cold shoulder. It's mind boggling to me.
> 
> It just feeds my self hatred even more and my total distrust of almost everyone in my life.



Aw, shit. I'm sorry.  That totally sucks, and even moreso when it plays into your hatred of asking for help. I can't imagine NOT being there for my kids, no matter their age. This speaks volumes about your mom, and nothing about you, other than your patience in giving her a chance to be a good mom.

I wish I could do something. I wish I could say something that would make this better. But as you know, it's a shittastic situation. I would just encourage you to not give up, on yourself and on finding help.

I believe in you and I care.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Aw, shit. I'm sorry.  That totally sucks, and even moreso when it plays into your hatred of asking for help. I can't imagine NOT being there for my kids, no matter their age. This speaks volumes about your mom, and nothing about you, other than your patience in giving her a chance to be a good mom.
> 
> I wish I could do something. I wish I could say something that would make this better. But as you know, it's a shittastic situation. I would just encourage you to not give up, on yourself and on finding help.
> 
> I believe in you and I care.


 
Thanks so much.

I was in total panic mode and that was my fault. When we finally did connect she wasn't judgemental at all and was just dealing with a lot on her own plate. Luckily I conciously made myself not have a meltdown and it worked out well. It was a crazy miracle that I didn't cry though and she helped me out a lot in the end. I have to have more patience and trust her. I've felt extremely distrustful of everyone in my life for quite some time and I even mentioned that to her. But in all honesty, she's the only person I do trust.

Patience. I need some.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks so much.
> 
> I was in total panic mode and that was my fault. When we finally did connect she wasn't judgemental at all and was just dealing with a lot on her own plate. Luckily I conciously made myself not have a meltdown and it worked out well. It was a crazy miracle that I didn't cry though and she helped me out a lot in the end. I have to have more patience and trust her. I've felt extremely distrustful of everyone in my life for quite some time and I even mentioned that to her. But in all honesty, she's the only person I do trust.
> 
> Patience. I need some.



Patience? What's that??

I have done what you did so many times it's not even funny, except that it is.  I assume if someone doesn't respond the way I want them to that they're letting me down, blowing me off, or worse -- they hate me. I can so relate to what you went through; I do it to myself. Ugh. I'm just glad that you guys worked it out and that you have someone to count on. We all need someone (or someones) to lean on.

Hang in there.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

I am having a hard time right now because my Barrett's is acting up again..Just when I think I have it under control it flares up and begins hurting..That makes me feel bad because I hurt so much...The never ending cycle is getting to be the pits!


----------



## Miss Vickie

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am having a hard time right now because my Barrett's is acting up again..Just when I think I have it under control it flares up and begins hurting..That makes me feel bad because I hurt so much...The never ending cycle is getting to be the pits!



BBB, what are they doing for you as far is treatment is concerned? Do you need to go back and see your (I presume you have one...) GI doctor? That's a bummer, being in so much pain, and of course it's concerning because of the complications of Barretts.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe

Miss Vickie,thank you for your concern..I take Prilosec twice a day as well as Tagament 3 times a day..It was working but now seems to have stopped..I go once a year to my GI to do an endoscopy..I think my meds may not be working now because I am having a lot of GERD..I have gotten the 45 degree wedge to sleep on and am trying to stay away from foods I know that trigger the attacks..It hurt right under the middle of my rib cage to my left side..No way to get comfortable when it hurts like it does..


----------



## Miss Vickie

BubbleButtBabe said:


> Miss Vickie,thank you for your concern..I take Prilosec twice a day as well as Tagament 3 times a day..It was working but now seems to have stopped..I go once a year to my GI to do an endoscopy..I think my meds may not be working now because I am having a lot of GERD..I have gotten the 45 degree wedge to sleep on and am trying to stay away from foods I know that trigger the attacks..It hurt right under the middle of my rib cage to my left side..No way to get comfortable when it hurts like it does..



BBB, I think it's definitely time to go see your doctor. They may want to take a look-see earlier, or switch up your meds. Or it could even be unrelated. No way to know unless you get seen. You poor thing. That sounds just dreadful.


----------



## Darell

Hi All,
Some more effective tips to reduce depression.
Share your problems with your friends and family,
Do take deep breath in fresh air,
Yoga is great to coupe with depression,
Eat a well balanced diet,
Do take multivitamin more in your meals,
Drink 2/3 glass of water,	
Avoid caffeine and other stimulants,
Avoid or limit alcohol consumption.


----------



## GTAFA

I sing in a church choir. Sunday is my happiest day, whether i sing well or not. I find the safety of a church comforting, the singing very uplifting. From what I have read, singing can help reduce depression: http://www.actionondepression.org/content/can-singing-reduce-depression


----------



## CastingPearls

My doctor has been aware of the latest events in my life and suggested an anti-depressant at least temporarily and although I turned him down a few weeks ago, and promised to reconsider, it wasn't until I couldn't stop crying for three days and hadn't eaten anything in two (and not much at all in a month) that I knew I had to do something. When I saw him yesterday, he did labwork immediately and said I was anemic and if my bp was any lower he was going to put me in the hospital. My hair had begun to fall out and I'd been hospitalized with malnutrition before so it was getting really bad. He said my stomach pain was likely a stress related ulcer and the big bag of samples he gave me is already helping and I was able to eat last night without any discomfort for the first time in about a month. I'll get the labs back in a couple of weeks. He wanted to make sure there was no H.Pilori or problems with my pancreas or liver either although upon examination he said there was no swelling or rigidity. He's (and I'm) pretty sure it's because of the stress. He also put me on a low dose of Wellbutrin. 
Also trying to hook up with the same therapist both he and my advocate at the crisis center recommends for my type of situation. I think eventually we'll get together. Thankfully insurance pays for 70% and she already told me she'd work with me on the rest.
I want to address all of this now before it's too late.


----------



## Scorsese86

CastingPearls said:


> My doctor has been aware of the latest events in my life and suggested an anti-depressant at least temporarily and although I turned him down a few weeks ago, and promised to reconsider, it wasn't until I couldn't stop crying for three days and hadn't eaten anything in two (and not much at all in a month) that I knew I had to do something. When I saw him yesterday, he did labwork immediately and said I was anemic and if my bp was any lower he was going to put me in the hospital. My hair had begun to fall out and I'd been hospitalized with malnutrition before so it was getting really bad. He said my stomach pain was likely a stress related ulcer and the big bag of samples he gave me is already helping and I was able to eat last night without any discomfort for the first time in about a month. I'll get the labs back in a couple of weeks. He wanted to make sure there was no H.Pilori or problems with my pancreas or liver either although upon examination he said there was no swelling or rigidity. He's (and I'm) pretty sure it's because of the stress. He also put me on a low dose of Wellbutrin.
> Also trying to hook up with the same therapist both he and my advocate at the crisis center recommends for my type of situation. I think eventually we'll get together. Thankfully insurance pays for 70% and she already told me she'd work with me on the rest.
> I want to address all of this now before it's too late.



Good luck, Elaine.
And thank for being open with us. It seems we are many here on Dims with these kind of problem, so you can always talk to someone. 

Don't give up if the one medication doesn't work. I had to try for a while till I find something that helped me. Also, just to talk about the shit you feel, it helps more than one can imagine.

Lol, look at me giving advice


----------



## imfree

Take care, Elaine. You have my best thoughts, prayers, and highest regards.


----------



## CastingPearls

The therapist called me back and we made an appointment for next week. She'll take a small fee after insurance which I can absolutely afford. I feel so much better knowing not only do I have one of the best in the area, but the one I'd spoken to and felt really good about. For some reason, this is the thing that gives me the most hope and that things are beginning to fall into place in a positive way.

Thanks, Ivan and Edgar.


----------



## CarlaSixx

CP, I hope things really do work out great for you 

I just started taking my meds today. After having them for almost 2 months, it was about time I tried it. Now it's to remember to stick to it.

I've been put on Cipralex. I was on Trazodone before but that reacted horribly for me.


----------



## Scorsese86

CarlaSixx said:


> CP, I hope things really do work out great for you
> 
> I just started taking my meds today. After having them for almost 2 months, it was about time I tried it. Now it's to remember to stick to it.
> 
> I've been put on Cipralex. I was on Trazodone before but that reacted horribly for me.



I've been on Cipralex for three years, and it's the one medicine that has worked the best for me - next to therapy.


----------



## Diana_Prince245

Most doctors around here use Trazadone only as a sleep aid. I'm surprised they prescribed it to you for depression, especially with all the other, better options out there.


----------



## Tracyarts

I have reverse (summer) seasonal affective disorder. Which is not all that uncommon here because the oppressive heat and humidity along with elevated ozone levels just wear you down and keep you indoors a lot of the time. Some years it's worse than others, this year has been particularly bad. I think the extreme drought we're under, along with the stress of the economy being so rough are what made it worse than usual and harder to manage. 

About a month ago it got so bad that I went to the doctor, and they started me on Wellbutrin. Everything was fine for about two weeks, and then I developed some pretty scary symptoms. My heart would randomly start racing, even if I was at rest, and also it felt like I had to work harder to breathe deeply. They took me off the Wellbutrin for a few days, while they ran tests to make sure my lungs and heart were okay. By the second day with no Wellbutrin, the symptoms were gone. Since all the tests came out fine, it was decided that I was having side effects from the medication. I decided to give it another try, at the lowest dose, but the symptoms came back, just not as bad this time. 

The doctor says I can either stick with the low dose and see if the side effects will go away, try a different medication, or I can just stop taking it and hang in there for a little while longer since it's time for the weather to start changing anyway. Which is what I think I am going to do, because the symptoms themselves are freaking me out and that's not helping matters. 

Tracy


----------



## CarlaSixx

Diana_Prince245 said:


> Most doctors around here use Trazadone only as a sleep aid. I'm surprised they prescribed it to you for depression, especially with all the other, better options out there.



It was mainly for a sleep aid. At higher doses, it's good for depression as well. My mother still uses her Trazodone as a sleep aid. For me, it causes very active dreaming. Physically active dreaming. So I got taken off of them and put on Cipralex.

There was also the issue that I have to avoid addictive meds, and Trazodone is proven non addictive. So while other options may work better, as an addict, I can't use certain things, and am horrible at taking things on a regular basis, so it has to be something I can safely miss a dose of every once in awhile. 

I think for me it's a little complicated. I have Dysthymia and go into a double depression at least once a season. So there's the "lifelong" depression as well as the "suicidal" depression that I have to deal with all together. 

I've been going to group therapy but missed it for 2 weeks in a row. No one showed up yesterday, anyway, so it was okay that I didn't. I haven't seen any improvement since I've been attending, though, and am still on a waiting list to see a therapist one on one. The wait is horrible, though. 

I'll be getting treatmet for other things as well, but the depression is really the most dangerous for me.


----------



## Surlysomething

Feeling better. But that's what Autumn does for me.

The cooler temps help a lot with my MS so I physically feel a lot more capable and not as tired. I get my mojo back with the colours of all the leaves and all the warm drinks etc (and good hair). I've always known I had a tad bit of the reverse seasonal affective disorder so it's not surprising that I don't feel so despondent at this time of year.


Vive le Fall!


----------



## moore2me

SurlySomething,

I have been reading your posts in this forum for the past month or so and I am glad to hear you are feeling better. Yes, the fall is my favorite time too 'cause the heat is gone and the air is cooler - I usually do better with the MS.

This deals with an older post of yours here, but I have some thoughts about your mom's reactions. I have been diagnosed with MS for over 15 years and my mom still doesn't really understand my disease. I try to tell her - but I don't think she wants to know. She doesn't want to think her baby girl is irreversibly flawed. Plus, I think she blames herself in some way too. I have come to accept this, and each time she asks me a question - I patiently explain the facts to her. I use aids to walk and I am not much help around her house - and she just has to deal with that. She calls other girls lazy who do the exact same things I do, but I ignore her comments.

I think most people I deal with do not understand the nature and problems in living with MS. If they ask, or it comes up - I will explain it to them. If I make a mistake in front of them - I usually explain that too - it usually starts with . . . ."I am not drunk, . . ."

I have spent years working thru this thing and have pretty much come to a temporary peace about this. I see lots of folks who have things much worse. But, you probably know by now MS is a strange trip. Everyday is a surprise and it will come up and do things when you least expect it. I am glad to hear you are getting some medical help - that will make a difference. You previously mentioned depression too - my neurologist told me that MS in itself can cause depression in several ways (one is by physical damage to the brain, and the other is by robbing us of some of our expected and planned things, such as travel to Europe).

I probably better stop now. I think Shoshie might have talked to you too - she is a great motivator. Both of us will be glad to help however we can.


----------



## Surlysomething

moore2me said:


> SurlySomething,
> 
> I have been reading your posts in this forum for the past month or so and I am glad to hear you are feeling better. Yes, the fall is my favorite time too 'cause the heat is gone and the air is cooler - I usually do better with the MS.
> 
> This deals with an older post of yours here, but I have some thoughts about your mom's reactions. I have been diagnosed with MS for over 15 years and my mom still doesn't really understand my disease. I try to tell her - but I don't think she wants to know. She doesn't want to think her baby girl is irreversibly flawed. Plus, I think she blames herself in some way too. I have come to accept this, and each time she asks me a question - I patiently explain the facts to her. I use aids to walk and I am not much help around her house - and she just has to deal with that. She calls other girls lazy who do the exact same things I do, but I ignore her comments.
> 
> I think most people I deal with do not understand the nature and problems in living with MS. If they ask, or it comes up - I will explain it to them. If I make a mistake in front of them - I usually explain that too - it usually starts with . . . ."I am not drunk, . . ."
> 
> I have spent years working thru this thing and have pretty much come to a temporary peace about this. I see lots of folks who have things much worse. But, you probably know by now MS is a strange trip. Everyday is a surprise and it will come up and do things when you least expect it. I am glad to hear you are getting some medical help - that will make a difference. You previously mentioned depression too - my neurologist told me that MS in itself can cause depression in several ways (one is by physical damage to the brain, and the other is by robbing us of some of our expected and planned things, such as travel to Europe).
> 
> I probably better stop now. I think Shoshie might have talked to you too - she is a great motivator. Both of us will be glad to help however we can.



Thanks so much for this. I'm trying hard to wrap my head around this crazy disease and to find the things that work for me. I wish my family cared more, but I also realized a long time ago that for some reason my family doesn't take me very seriously in any way. I don't ask for help from them very often.

I have a good health care team and for that i'm thankful.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks so much for this. I'm trying hard to wrap my head around this crazy disease and to find the things that work for me. I wish my family cared more, but I also realized a long time ago that for some reason my family doesn't take me very seriously in any way. I don't ask for help from them very often.
> 
> I have a good health care team and for that i'm thankful.



I think it can take a long, long time to wrap your brain around a debilitating illness. And once you work out one aspect, another bites you in the butt. I've been working this semester in a chronic pain clinic for my clinicals and it's been interesting working with people who have SLE (lupus) or RA or other debilitating conditions. Not one of them isn't depressed and I don't think that's accidental. How could you NOT be? It's really shed some light on my illness, as it's worsened (possibly irreversibly, possibly temporarily -- it's hard to say right now since like MS there are lots of questions that go unanswered).

I'm sure you guys have heard about the "spoon theory" for chronic illness? A dear friend told me about it, and it's just so very true. I've used it on a couple of friends who just didn't understand why I couldn't do certain things when "you seem fine". I think it's a very concrete representation of what life can be like for us.

I think it's important to have a support system around us, and all too often unfortunately that isn't our family.  I am, however, so glad you're feeling better. I know so many people who have reverse SAD who are really almost giddy as the days get shorter. Me? Not so much.

I hope you have an easy winter ahead of you.


----------



## Surlysomething

Broken. Not sure how to fix anything anymore.


----------



## HottiMegan

For the the first time in my 20 year history of depression, my appetite is non existent. The anxiety i've been having, thanks to outside stressors, i have been nauseous a lot. Food doesn't feel good. Only hot tea soothes me. I haven't had this level of anxiety since i was 18. I hate it that we don't have mental health coverage in our insurance. I hate it that we don't have any extra money after paychecks to cover any sort of care i can get. I just have stick it out and wait for the highs. (No i'm not a bipolar, i just have periods of ups and periods of down but not manic-like) You'd think adventists would be all about well body AND mind. (our insurance is through hub's work, an adventist health system)
We're in one of those rock and hard places, we make too much for help from charities but don't make enough to cover extras. I hate it.


----------



## Surlysomething

HottiMegan said:


> For the the first time in my 20 year history of depression, my appetite is non existent. The anxiety i've been having, thanks to outside stressors, i have been nauseous a lot. Food doesn't feel good. Only hot tea soothes me. I haven't had this level of anxiety since i was 18. I hate it that we don't have mental health coverage in our insurance. I hate it that we don't have any extra money after paychecks to cover any sort of care i can get. I just have stick it out and wait for the highs. (No i'm not a bipolar, i just have periods of ups and periods of down but not manic-like) You'd think adventists would be all about well body AND mind. (our insurance is through hub's work, an adventist health system)
> We're in one of those rock and hard places, we make too much for help from charities but don't make enough to cover extras. I hate it.


 

I'm so sorry to hear this, Megan. Do you have any community mental health clinics that are affordable? I'm not sure how the American health system works, but even up here in Canada there are resources for people that often get missed or slip through the cracks. I'll keep you in my thoughts though because I know hard the struggle is with depression.


----------



## Diana_Prince245

HottiMegan said:


> For the the first time in my 20 year history of depression, my appetite is non existent. The anxiety i've been having, thanks to outside stressors, i have been nauseous a lot. Food doesn't feel good. Only hot tea soothes me. I haven't had this level of anxiety since i was 18. I hate it that we don't have mental health coverage in our insurance. I hate it that we don't have any extra money after paychecks to cover any sort of care i can get. I just have stick it out and wait for the highs. (No i'm not a bipolar, i just have periods of ups and periods of down but not manic-like) You'd think adventists would be all about well body AND mind. (our insurance is through hub's work, an adventist health system)
> We're in one of those rock and hard places, we make too much for help from charities but don't make enough to cover extras. I hate it.



There's a requirement that insurance companies cover mental issues the same as physical ones. I'd call the company and press the issue.


----------



## Surlysomething

All your life you're told that you need to take chances or you'll miss out on amazing opportunities and people. You're also told you need to have faith and trust. I gave up on those things as they've never worked out for me and I go inward to save myself. After a lengthy amount of time I came out of my shell to afford myself the luxury of trying again. I mean you only have one life to live.

I was sought after. Not the other way around for a change. It felt lovely and real and I opened myself up.

So why is it that when I threw all caution and reason to the wind - to the one person that I thought would never do me wrong....they did. Now I feel stupid, tired and defeated. 

Where does a person go from here? Seriously. I have no clue anymore.


----------



## Surlysomething

Push through the pain.


Do not cry at your desk.


----------



## CarlaSixx

After two years of badgering doctors to help me find a one-on-one psychologist... I finally have one. My first appointment is on the 30th. Two weeks to wait, but at least it's finally happening. 

No more band-aiding it with medication. I'll get somewhere to talk away from people who know me and would judge me. I'll get someone who could actually give advice for once. I'm pretty excited and I truly hope talk therapy is going to be what I want it to be for me.


----------



## CastingPearls

CarlaSixx said:


> After two years of badgering doctors to help me find a one-on-one psychologist... I finally have one. My first appointment is on the 30th. Two weeks to wait, but at least it's finally happening.
> 
> No more band-aiding it with medication. I'll get somewhere to talk away from people who know me and would judge me. I'll get someone who could actually give advice for once. I'm pretty excited and I truly hope talk therapy is going to be what I want it to be for me.


I've found that there is no substitute for therapy (when one feels they need it). Medication should be taken alongside therapy, whenever possible, (I know I didn't have insurance coverage for a long time nor could find anyone that I could afford out-of-pocket) not in lieu of it.


----------



## spacce

I find the best medicine for beng depressed is just being active in doing somethng..something that has you moving.. a walk, running, gardening, arts and craft.. something you can focus your mind on at the time being

watching tv, not being active, or dwelling on the past and dwelling on the future doesn't help..

I don't really believe in seeking help, or taking drugs.. because eventually you're going to be without them, so I think it would be wiser to think more independent..

I usually create a mental bubble, inside that bubble, its my world and my world online, I conquer it, I cherish it, I enjoy it.. and no one can belittle, or his sick or nothing goes wrong in that bubble.. 

Its hard, but believe me in the end, its so worth it..


----------



## Diana_Prince245

Good for you, but that doesn't work for everyone and looking down at people for seeking help is a pretty crappy thing to do.


----------



## spacce

I wasn't looking down on anyone...
I just think people can be more independent on themselves, mentally, physically, spiritually

I almost became a chemical engineer, I believe as a people are too dependent on drugs..


----------



## Surlysomething

spacce said:


> I wasn't looking down on anyone...
> I just think people can be more independent on themselves, mentally, physically, spiritually
> 
> I almost became a chemical engineer, I believe as a people are too dependent on drugs..


 
Haha. Good thing you're not a Dr.


----------



## Diana_Prince245

Surlysomething said:


> Haha. Good thing you're not a Dr.



No doubt. My stepdad's a chemical engineer. I wouldn't go to him for medical advice either.


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## spacce

Yeah me too, I think most doctors are as bad as lawyers *shrug*


----------



## Surlysomething

spacce said:


> Yeah me too, I think most doctors are as bad as lawyers *shrug*


 

Where are you coming up with all this stuff? Experience?

Every single person has a different medical history and can't be lumped into one big pile. You might want to stop with the sweeping generalizations.


----------



## spacce

Ok well my experience with United states docs.. not sure about other countries but I think its better anywhere else..

Medically, um lets see, medically last time I saw a doctor I had to pay $250 up front and spent 45 min wait and 10 min seeing him, and all he had to say is "deal with it"..

It took a nurse at a university to realize I had TMJ (google it), when I saw countless doctors for about 14 years because I had ear problems, and not even a ear specialist even came up with that solution.

Oh, I use to get a hives everytime I exerted energy, NOT one doctor ever told me it was my weight, they all thought it was allergies.. when I lost weight (60 lbs in 2 years).. and got in better shape the hives went away, and notice they come back if I don't exercise a bit..

I once bitten by a bunch of red ants once, was home alone and I was pretty much blinded for about 3 minutes for some reason and blind dialed my uncle which when we got to emergency room they were more worried about me not having my ID then me dieing.. and at one point of the night I stopped breathing.., and billed $3000 USD for about 5 hours in the ER, because I had no insurance

Hmmm about 4 months ago, my father was told by a doctor that he has between 2 - 8 months to live from his cancer, and the doctor pretty much told him they can't do anything else, goodbye..He's done surgery, 2 and 1/2 years of chemo and they pretty much just gave up on him.

I saw a psychologist and psychiatrist when i was younger, I was put on anti-depressants and at one point I was put in a mental hospital (only for less then a day, word to wise, Never mention suicide to a doc lol).. found out that I was just stubborn and I was the only one who did NOT put up with my step-father's drunken bullshit..

So here in the united states, they care about getting their money and actually taking care of you.. Dead / depressed / etc they still get their money..

so yes , I can say this from experience..


----------



## Surlysomething

spacce said:


> Ok well my experience with United states docs.. not sure about other countries but I think its better anywhere else..
> 
> Medically, um lets see, medically last time I saw a doctor I had to pay $250 up front and spent 45 min wait and 10 min seeing him, and all he had to say is "deal with it"..
> 
> It took a nurse at a university to realize I had TMJ (google it), when I saw countless doctors for about 14 years because I had ear problems, and not even a ear specialist even came up with that solution.
> 
> Oh, I use to get a hives everytime I exerted energy, NOT one doctor ever told me it was my weight, they all thought it was allergies.. when I lost weight (60 lbs in 2 years).. and got in better shape the hives went away, and notice they come back if I don't exercise a bit..
> 
> I once bitten by a bunch of red ants once, was home alone and I was pretty much blinded for about 3 minutes for some reason and blind dialed my uncle which when we got to emergency room they were more worried about me not having my ID then me dieing.. and at one point of the night I stopped breathing.., and billed $3000 USD for about 5 hours in the ER, because I had no insurance
> 
> Hmmm about 4 months ago, my father was told by a doctor that he has between 2 - 8 months to live from his cancer, and the doctor pretty much told him they can't do anything else, goodbye..He's done surgery, 2 and 1/2 years of chemo and they pretty much just gave up on him.
> 
> I saw a psychologist and psychiatrist when i was younger, I was put on anti-depressants and at one point I was put in a mental hospital (only for less then a day, word to wise, Never mention suicide to a doc lol).. found out that I was just stubborn and I was the only one who did NOT put up with my step-father's drunken bullshit..
> 
> So here in the united states, they care about getting their money and actually taking care of you.. Dead / depressed / etc they still get their money..
> 
> so yes , I can say this from experience..


 
I thought we were talking about depression.


----------



## spacce

well you said medically..
I through in bits of depression too..

Point is.. I wasn't trying cause any trouble..
but depression can be dealt with, most of the time you have to faith in yourself in order to beat it.. No doctor, no pill , the only magic solution is yourself..

My apologies for going overboard..


----------



## Surlysomething

spacce said:


> well you said medically..
> I through in bits of depression too..
> 
> Point is.. I wasn't trying cause any trouble..
> but depression can be dealt with, most of the time you have to faith in yourself in order to beat it.. No doctor, no pill , the only magic solution is yourself..
> 
> My apologies for going overboard..


 
I understand what you're saying, but you're still making a generalization about depression. That is only _your_ experience. There are many, many facets to mental illness and being yourself has nothing to do with it. People DO have real chemical imbalances and lifetimes of trauma that no amount of beliving in yourself will fix.

It's amazing and great to work on yourself, but a great deal of people do need medication and the right counseling. Just because you went a different route doesn't mean everyone should follow you. And who knows, maybe you had situational depression and not chronic depression. 

No room for generalizations when it comes to the brain.


----------



## spacce

I've seen it, we need ways to prevent it, but there's got to be more creative ways to take care of mental patients, but that's going beyond depression

You think my father's not depressed? I live him, i see him everyday, he has to face his own mortality, he works in a garden or has chickens..

just a different of opinions


----------



## Surlysomething

spacce said:


> I've seen it, we need ways to prevent it, but there's got to be more creative ways to take care of mental patients, but that's going beyond depression
> 
> You think my father's not depressed? I live him, i see him everyday, he has to face his own mortality, he works in a garden or has chickens..
> 
> just a different of opinions


 

You clearly don't understand what i'm talking about. See how far close-mindedness gets you in life.


----------



## CastingPearls

spacce said:


> I've seen it, we need ways to prevent it, but there's got to be more creative ways to take care of mental patients, but that's going beyond depression
> 
> You think my father's not depressed? I live him, i see him everyday, he has to face his own mortality, he works in a garden or has chickens..
> 
> just a different of opinions


I think you're confusing temporary lows and your own experience and non-scientific/medical observations of your dad with real chemical or organic depression, not to mention situational depression which could be caused by any number of traumatic events. 

Whether or not you got anything out of anti-depressants, unproductive visits with doctors, psychiatrists, etc. and even a short stink in a mental ward, doesn't even mean YOU don't have depression. There are many forms and many reasons why. It's good that you have a handle on how you're doing but it's not as simple as being busy, keeping your mind off things, etc. I wish it were. Just about every person with depression on earth has been told to cheer up, look on the sunnyside of things, keep moving, don't dwell, etc. Don't you think they want to? I don't think anyone wants to be in misery. 

I see a therapist every week and she says everyone's neural pathways are quite different and while they can often be 'reset' or 'rewired', it's often necessary for professional support and medication to lead the way, so please don't generalize.


----------



## spacce

I keep hearing the words easy and simple.. 
never once really did I say it was going to easy or simple..

You want me NOT to generalize, then stop over analyzing my first post, I was giving advice, you don't have to strip it down and say that I am wrong. I was giving MY opinion.. 

We all generalize from our own experience.. 

seriously this so gone overboard.. 

***oh I'm done with this thread. I seriously came into this thread with good intentions, you basically butchered it.. le sigh***


----------



## Diana_Prince245

Not everybody generalizes based on their own experiences. Many of us are well aware that our experiences are ours, and not applicable to others. I know mine aren't, and I can't say that I would expect what I do to control my anxiety to work for anybody else, nor do I think what works for my friends will work for me.


----------



## activistfatgirl

I find this whole discussion fascinating, because it gets right to the point of what people don't understand about mental illness. I think what's his name's advice is right on some level in that we have incredible innate mental ability to heal mental afflicitions via "right thinking." We are very routine creatures, and I think we can SOMETIMES think ourselves onto a better path.

The real bitch about serious, clinical mental health is that you are often UNABLE to do the very things that are the most healing. A very depressed person is likely to not be able to get healing from a movie or a walk the way a mildly depressed person is. Serious depression is a constant drumbeat of unavoidable misery that needs a major event to topple. Then the "these things are going help" things like walking, movies, talking with friends, art, etc can be added.

It's a spectrum, right? I was raised by a severely mentally ill person. I have had several serious mental crises in my life. I have anxiety at the moment but it's at the level where "go take a walk" works for me. But there have been times in my life where that was the most infuriating thing to hear because of the lack of understanding that every step of that walk would be laced with the same misery. Sunny day vs. cloudy day, in a rotting basement vs. the most beautiful vista in the world, nothing matters if you're well and truly depressed in the clinical sense. SO THERE.

ha.


----------



## Dromond

spacce said:


> I keep hearing the words easy and simple..
> never once really did I say it was going to easy or simple..
> 
> You want me NOT to generalize, then stop over analyzing my first post, I was giving advice, you don't have to strip it down and say that I am wrong. I was giving MY opinion..
> 
> We all generalize from our own experience..
> 
> seriously this so gone overboard..
> 
> ***oh I'm done with this thread. I seriously came into this thread with good intentions, you basically butchered it.. le sigh***



There is something you are missing. One of the most damaging things you can do to a person suffering from major depressive episodes is to tell them they can just 'walk it off' or the like. They can't just walk it off. If they could, they wouldn't be suffering.


----------



## penguin

I know that when I don't get enough sleep over enough days, then I can start to have depressive tendencies. I also know that I can dip into situational depression at times, with the right stimulus (or lack of). I've been on anti-depressants in the past and they really helped, but I finished taking them about 6 years ago. I know what I can do to help in the short term, and usually that's all I need. I guess because it's so mild and temporary that I don't think of it as being anywhere near the same spectrum as other forms of depression. I have been thinking about going back on anti-depressants again, because it's happening more and more, instead of just the occasional bout. I'm not sure I'm at that point as yet, because I know this is mostly situational, and if I can resolve what's affecting me, then maybe I won't need to. I don't know. Because it doesn't happen every day, and doesn't last all day, I find myself unsure whether I should take that step again.


----------



## Miss Vickie

activistfatgirl said:


> I find this whole discussion fascinating, because it gets right to the point of what people don't understand about mental illness. I think what's his name's advice is right on some level in that we have incredible innate mental ability to heal mental afflicitions via "right thinking." We are very routine creatures, and I think we can SOMETIMES think ourselves onto a better path.
> 
> The real bitch about serious, clinical mental health is that you are often UNABLE to do the very things that are the most healing. A very depressed person is likely to not be able to get healing from a movie or a walk the way a mildly depressed person is. Serious depression is a constant drumbeat of unavoidable misery that needs a major event to topple. Then the "these things are going help" things like walking, movies, talking with friends, art, etc can be added.
> 
> It's a spectrum, right? I was raised by a severely mentally ill person. I have had several serious mental crises in my life. I have anxiety at the moment but it's at the level where "go take a walk" works for me. But there have been times in my life where that was the most infuriating thing to hear because of the lack of understanding that every step of that walk would be laced with the same misery. Sunny day vs. cloudy day, in a rotting basement vs. the most beautiful vista in the world, nothing matters if you're well and truly depressed in the clinical sense. SO THERE.
> 
> ha.



What she said.

Depression is not something you can just "pull yourself out of", anymore than you can will yourself to not be diabetic. True, clinical depression, as diagnosed by a professional based on certain symptoms is the real deal, and requires treatment. And nowhere does that treatment plan include "suck it up" or "walk it off" or words to that effect.

What helps the neurotransmitter imbalance that is suspected to cause depression (and anxiety) are medications and therapy. Not all medications work for everyone and they are not without side effects. The medication allow the therapy to be more effective, by giving enough emotional "space" between emotion and reaction in order to learn new ways of thinking about things.

For those who have had childhood trauma, many researchers and mental health professionals believe that the amygdala is more active, and the space between emotion and reaction is miniscule. Medications allow space to manage those reactions and repair the brain (which has been changed by the trauma). With anxiety -- and the very real, very physical responses -- one can't always, or often, overcome it without help.

Now obviously, for someone who has a situational adjustment disorder (not true depression), they can often work their way through it without professional assistance. However, an adjustment disorder (like, "I'm sad because my mom died" or "I'm stressed because I lost my job") is a far cry from a true anxiety disorder or clinical depression. 

I've been both a patient (PTSD, anxiety, depression) and a provider (RN and now in my last two semesters of schooling as a nurse practitioner) so I can see it from both sides of the desk. Medications aren't always the first line treatment for mental health issues, but for the patient who cannot function because of an alteration in brain chemistry, they really do play an important role.

I would no sooner make a grossly broad statement about engineering than I would about economics. I love, however, how people who don't have a medical background are experts in mental health.

PS -- TMJ is the name of the joint -- not the condition. It's called TMD. Look it up.


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm trying VERY hard not to fall into a huge abyss with my depression right now, but I feel like i'm constantly teetering on the edge.

An unexpected break-up has me reeling.

I want to stay home 24/7. If i'm eating it's either too much candy or nothing at all. I want to sleep for hours and do. I struggle to get up and I don't really give a shit how I look (I still look fine though, i'm not into hobo territory yet, I just mean I don't feel like going the extra mile).

I feel frustrated and tired and unloved and my trust for anyone is into the negative degrees now.

I know i've written about how badly I feel a lot on the site in the last couple of weeks. I don't really know what else to do. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to actually hear the heartache in my voice and feel it in my heart.

It's a sick, gross feeling when you have no control of love.


----------



## Yakatori

Surlysomething said:


> "_my trust for anyone is into the negative degrees now....I don't want to talk to anyone about it._"


The two things seem intimately related. Maybe, if you try to begin by talking or thinking about it in the abstract.


----------



## Surlysomething

Yakatori said:


> The two things seem intimately related. Maybe, if you try to begin by talking or thinking about it in the abstract.


 

I really just want to rage. Talking about it will get me nowhere.

Been there, done that.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I think I'm at the point where I need to physically let out my frustrations. Talking is definitely not going to be enough. I need to get physically aggressive but I can't just get a punching bag and let it out. No. I need to see visible destruction in order to feel more at peace from being physically brutal towards something.

Really, what I need is a baseball bat, a sledgehammer, a junkyard, and free run of the place for as long as I need it.

If I could just beat the shit outta something until I colapse from exhaustion, I think I would then be able to be in a much better place.


----------



## GTAFA

I find i need to do something to keep my mind busy. I am at home sick today, which is deadly in combination with being depressed. If i *think*_* about it*_ i am always going to find something negative, even if another part of my brain discounts the good things i leave out. Chores, work, even watching TV, all have that added benefit of keeping my mind busy so that the negative talk won't take over, and to help give me something to feel good about. 

I noticed a couple of people talk about anger. I have gone through cycles with anger, where i thought i could "get it out". But i no longer believe that's possible. Yes, one becomes exhausted, but in the end all one accomplishes by repeatedly raging is to create a deeper channel for that river, so that emotion readily pools in that angry place, and every little tiny thing starts to enrage you. Anger becomes a habit, an impossible itch to scratch, a very deep well, a mirror in which one stares at the impossibility of finding happiness. Or in other words, anger doesn't work for me, although i respect the fact the other people may want to find a way to make it work. But raging your way to happiness doesn't seem very likely; i'd put more stock in something positive such as eating your way to happiness.

The thing is, today --taking the day off from work because i am "sick"-- was supposed to be something i was doing for me, an affirmation of my rights. Too bad i feel so conflicted, so totally caught up in the silly tasks at work that are such a part of my identity (i know it's neurotic and that nobody at work really minds if i am off). I wish i could feel good about taking a day off and doing nothing. But then again, I suppose the splitting headache, sore throat and lethargic feelings also are factors in why i feel crappy. Even so, i am addicted to being busy, to hiding from my feelings, hiding from ME. It terrifies me that when i have quietness and can't use being busy to hide from who i am, that i am in a state of despair at what i see. No matter what i accomplish, no matter what i do that's good, inside i feel unworthy, bad, wretched.

i better shut up before i depress everyone else.


----------



## Surlysomething

GTAFA said:


> I find i need to do something to keep my mind busy. I am at home sick today, which is deadly in combination with being depressed. If i *think*_* about it*_ i am always going to find something negative, even if another part of my brain discounts the good things i leave out. Chores, work, even watching TV, all have that added benefit of keeping my mind busy so that the negative talk won't take over, and to help give me something to feel good about.
> 
> I noticed a couple of people talk about anger. I have gone through cycles with anger, where i thought i could "get it out". But i no longer believe that's possible. Yes, one becomes exhausted, but in the end all one accomplishes by repeatedly raging is to create a deeper channel for that river, so that emotion readily pools in that angry place, and every little tiny thing starts to enrage you. Anger becomes a habit, an impossible itch to scratch, a very deep well, a mirror in which one stares at the impossibility of finding happiness. Or in other words, anger doesn't work for me, although i respect the fact the other people may want to find a way to make it work. But raging your way to happiness doesn't seem very likely; i'd put more stock in something positive such as eating your way to happiness.
> 
> The thing is, today --taking the day off from work because i am "sick"-- was supposed to be something i was doing for me, an affirmation of my rights. Too bad i feel so conflicted, so totally caught up in the silly tasks at work that are such a part of my identity (i know it's neurotic and that nobody at work really minds if i am off). I wish i could feel good about taking a day off and doing nothing. But then again, I suppose the splitting headache, sore throat and lethargic feelings also are factors in why i feel crappy. Even so, i am addicted to being busy, to hiding from my feelings, hiding from ME. It terrifies me that when i have quietness and can't use being busy to hide from who i am, that i am in a state of despair at what i see. No matter what i accomplish, no matter what i do that's good, inside i feel unworthy, bad, wretched.
> 
> i better shut up before i depress everyone else.


 
Blech. I hear you on so much of that.

Embrace your day off though. Push everything out of your mind and get lost in some nothingness. 

It's good for the soul.


----------



## GTAFA

Surlysomething said:


> Blech. I hear you on so much of that.
> 
> Embrace your day off though. Push everything out of your mind and get lost in some nothingness.
> 
> It's good for the soul.



Thanks bro... been trying to do that. Sometimes EATING (sigh) is the best medicine.


----------



## Surlysomething

GTAFA said:


> Thanks bro... been trying to do that. Sometimes EATING (sigh) is the best medicine.


 

*looks down at my rack*

No problem, "bro". Haha.


----------



## GTAFA

Surlysomething said:


> *looks down at my rack*
> 
> No problem, "bro". Haha.



Obviously i must be sick... I'd usually know gender AND size (as much as one can discern from a profile or a photo) before shooting my mouth off. The FUNNY part is that i don't talk that way --"bro"-- in real life, but am just trying to fit in.


----------



## Surlysomething

GTAFA said:


> Obviously i must be sick... I'd usually know gender AND size (as much as one can discern from a profile or a photo) before shooting my mouth off. The FUNNY part is that i don't talk that way --"bro"-- in real life, but am just trying to fit in.


 

Haha. No worries, "dude"!


----------



## activistfatgirl

GTAFA said:


> Even so, i am addicted to being busy, to hiding from my feelings, hiding from ME. It terrifies me that when i have quietness and can't use being busy to hide from who i am, that i am in a state of despair at what i see. No matter what i accomplish, no matter what i do that's good, inside i feel unworthy, bad, wretched.



I just wanted to say that this resonated with me so deeply. It is really scary to not be able to face the quietness. I've overworked my way through my 20s in an attempt to quiet the demons, I think. But I've also learned that overworking, staying "busy", just leads to new trauma. It's only been the last few years that I can enjoy, fully, being myself and taking time with myself. It feels wonderful!

I also beat myself up tremendously for days off sick. I understand that depression will heighten the physical ailments. For now, stop your mind every time it starts beating yourself up. Regardless of the reasons, this day off is important, sacred. Try to enjoy what you can, and make a plan to do some self-affirming this week. Good luck! *hugs*


----------



## paperman921

activistfatgirl said:


> I just wanted to say that this resonated with me so deeply. It is really scary to not be able to face the quietness. I've overworked my way through my 20s in an attempt to quiet the demons, I think. But I've also learned that overworking, staying "busy", just leads to new trauma. It's only been the last few years that I can enjoy, fully, being myself and taking time with myself. It feels wonderful!
> 
> I also beat myself up tremendously for days off sick. I understand that depression will heighten the physical ailments. For now, stop your mind every time it starts beating yourself up. Regardless of the reasons, this day off is important, sacred. Try to enjoy what you can, and make a plan to do some self-affirming this week. Good luck! *hugs*



This. That was really beautiful it is nice to know a lot of us are going through the same things. I can definitely relate to overworking myself because I was afraid of being myself. I'm glad you are at a point where you are able to enjoy yourself more and not working or busying yourself every waking minute. It definitely is a hard transition, considering how long I routinely tried to busy myself, thinking it would make me "worthy". But, I truly believe I need to be happy being myself in order to live a peaceful life.


----------



## GTAFA

paperman921 said:


> This. That was really beautiful it is nice to know a lot of us are going through the same things. I can definitely relate to overworking myself because I was afraid of being myself. I'm glad you are at a point where you are able to enjoy yourself more and not working or busying yourself every waking minute. It definitely is a hard transition, considering how long I routinely tried to busy myself, thinking it would make me "worthy". But, I truly believe I need to be happy being myself in order to live a peaceful life.



We live in a very strange time. Many people are unable to get work. Those of us who have been blessed in our careers have a huge challenge often identified as "work-life balance", reconciling work with the rest of our life. But what's it for? do i work to live or do i live to work? Such are the questions of a middle-aged person looking back at who they might have been. If you're a perfectly happy person it's hard enough.

If you're also fighting other issues --depression, chronic illness, possible substance abuse-- it gets really tricky to even know what's "wrong", given that many of the things that are right (the job & the lifestyle) are part of the problem. Compared to so many people i know, i am lucky. 

But how far can that go, to make you feel good inside?


----------



## activistfatgirl

paperman921 said:


> It definitely is a hard transition, considering how long I routinely tried to busy myself, thinking it would make me "worthy". But, I truly believe I need to be happy being myself in order to live a peaceful life.


Yes! I've definitely created a self-identity that measures my "worth" by what I do, not just who I am, because I wasn't happy with "who I am" (though I couldn't articulate that). Your last line is so central to my current world view that I want to shout it from the mountain tops. It is my mantra. Good luck in your journey! 




GTAFA said:


> We live in a very strange time. Many people are unable to get work. Those of us who have been blessed in our careers have a huge challenge often identified as "work-life balance", reconciling work with the rest of our life. But what's it for? do i work to live or do i live to work? Such are the questions of a middle-aged person looking back at who they might have been. If you're a perfectly happy person it's hard enough.
> 
> If you're also fighting other issues --depression, chronic illness, possible substance abuse-- it gets really tricky to even know what's "wrong", given that many of the things that are right (the job & the lifestyle) are part of the problem. Compared to so many people i know, i am lucky.
> 
> But how far can that go, to make you feel good inside?



Totally. We are so very fortunate! It has helped me some to try to practice gratitude. But it doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't feel the way you do!

LOL to how many times I've said "work-life balance" out loud to friends in the last few months. What does that even mean?!


----------



## cobalt_butterfly

a work-life balence is different for everone, for me its like a food-heat balence; i don't have enough money for all i want of both so i havew to balence it.
with work-life its enough time and work (like food) always wants more than its share. 

I've got to get the time to clean house occasionaly, helps when himself is fighting depression rather than wallowing, he can take satisfaction in cleaning but hes got to start it.
We've got to vist freinds or neither of us can cope. 
Part of life is health mental and physcial.

Like heat in a tempetare climate its often easier to find in summer but you need it more in winter. 

Rgiht off to work I go, for tomorrow I can warm myslef by someoneelse's fire.


----------



## Surlysomething

Gotta love when someone attacks you via rep/PM about the posts you make in this thread.

You would think people would have better things to do with their time.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Gotta love when someone attacks you via rep/PM about the posts you make in this thread.
> 
> You would think people would have better things to do with their time.



You're kidding me. Seriously? Good grief. 

I'm sorry, darlin'. This was so not what you needed.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> You're kidding me. Seriously? Good grief.
> 
> I'm sorry, darlin'. This was so not what you needed.


 

Pretty crazy, eh? I guess i'm supposed to only post pictures of my ass and stretch marks on this site. 

Merry Christmas to me! Haha.


----------



## moore2me

Surlysomething said:


> Gotta love when someone attacks you via rep/PM about the posts you make in this thread.
> 
> You would think people would have better things to do with their time.



Surlysomething,

Please PM me with the name of "prince or princess" who repped you in such a manner. I need something new to play with.

Growl (I mean meow)

M2M 

View attachment anaconda.jpg


----------



## CastingPearls

Surlysomething said:


> Gotta love when someone attacks you via rep/PM about the posts you make in this thread.
> 
> You would think people would have better things to do with their time.


Holy crap. I'd ask you if you were joking but I know you're not.

WTF is wrong with people. Never mind. Not enough bandwidth.

HUGS!!!


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks, ladies.

That trollesque person has been dealt with, thankfully.

It's a sad day when a thread that's normally filled with compassion and good information is used against a person.
The struggle is bad enough as is.


----------



## moore2me

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks, ladies.
> 
> That trollesque person has been dealt with, thankfully.
> 
> It's a sad day when a thread that's normally filled with compassion and good information is used against a person.
> The struggle is bad enough as is.



Rats!!!! Oh, I mean . . . it's good to hear that the problem has been stifled. Altho I was looking forward to some hot and spicy troll for lunch. Surly, looks like you are making positive progress in taking control of some of the bads (make those stoopid bads) that mess with your life.

Since I missed that troll snack, my little reptilian morph form sure has been making hungry eyes on that plump little hamster with the cute little nose in CastingPearls post above.


----------



## CastingPearls

moore2me said:


> Since I missed that troll snack, my little reptilian morph form sure has been making hungry eyes on that plump little hamster with the cute little nose in CastingPearls post above.



I hope those 'hungry eyes' are for love cos Clementine knows jujitsu plus that nail file is pretty sharp and so are her claws.  She'd probably disarm it with her charm though.


----------



## moore2me

CastingPearls said:


> I hope those 'hungry eyes' are for love cos Clementine knows jujitsu plus that nail file is pretty sharp and so are her claws.  She'd probably disarm it with her charm though.



Just derailing this thread one more moment . . . I couldn't help making the eat the hamster comment when I thought my snake was watching her all too close.

This is one of the ways I ward off depression . . . little shows and movies are always playing in my head. Most of them are "funny" or with my warped sense of humor, I think they are. Need to go, another one is starting now.


----------



## CastingPearls

moore2me said:


> Just derailing this thread one more moment . . . I couldn't help making the eat the hamster comment when I thought my snake was watching her all too close.
> 
> This is one of the ways I ward off depression . . . little shows and movies are always playing in my head. Most of them are "funny" or with my warped sense of humor, I think they are. Need to go, another one is starting now.


You've derailed threads more than once on Clementine's behalf. She's quite flattered and I enjoy the heck out of it. On with the show!


----------



## imfree

CastingPearls said:


> You've derailed threads more than once on *Clementine*'s behalf. She's quite flattered and I enjoy the heck out of it. On with the show!



What a darling name, that Clementine! Oh, Muh Darlin' Clementine!, what a depressing song, with Clementine and that foamin' brine and all...


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks, ladies.
> 
> That trollesque person has been dealt with, thankfully.
> 
> It's a sad day when a thread that's normally filled with compassion and good information is used against a person.
> The struggle is bad enough as is.



So true.

I think one of the hardest things that people who have an illness that's hidden (whether it be chronic illness, mental illness, etc) deal with is that people think it's just that you're not trying hard enough. If only you'd try harder, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, etc you'd be better. I think it's one of the leftovers of the puritan work ethic that many of us were raised to believe. I know in my case that's true.

I was raised by a hard-core, blue collar, pull yourself up by your bootstraps father. He quit school in 6th grade to support his mom when his father died of diabetes (my grandfather was so emaciated from the disease that my father could carry him around and they cared for him at home because they were too poor). This was during the depression and he took any job he could, and worked the rest of his too-short life doing whatever he could to support us. He went to WW II and learned to repair aircraft and worked in Guam doing that. 

When he returned from war, the only job he could find was delivering milk to grocery stores and he did that until he was forced to retire after several massive heart attacks (during which he kept working). We lived a middle class life that my dad and mom -- both without formal education -- were able to provide. He instilled in me the belief that you should only accept help if needed, and that there's a certain pride in doing things yourself.

So yeah, I understand that mindset. But the problem with depression is that it often comes with a total loss of emotional resources to get better without help. For situational stuff, sure, if someone has good skills and a support system they can probably "get over it" without meds or therapy. But if you have a chemical problem in your brain -- be it PTSD, postpartum depression or a panic disorder -- you can't will that away. Trust me, I've tried.

Now that being said, we all should take an active role in our health. If you just sit back, take your meds and make the same poor choices over and over again, you're not getting the best out of your treatment. But using medications to support you while you do what you can to reclaim your health -- mental, physical, or both -- is to me the best use of pharmaceuticals. Maybe you won't need them, maybe you will. But the process of learning the skills you'll need to manage your health is invaluable.

/end lecture


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> So true.
> 
> I think one of the hardest things that people who have an illness that's hidden (whether it be chronic illness, mental illness, etc) deal with is that people think it's just that you're not trying hard enough. If only you'd try harder, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, etc you'd be better. I think it's one of the leftovers of the puritan work ethic that many of us were raised to believe. I know in my case that's true.
> 
> I was raised by a hard-core, blue collar, pull yourself up by your bootstraps father. He quit school in 6th grade to support his mom when his father died of diabetes (my grandfather was so emaciated from the disease that my father could carry him around and they cared for him at home because they were too poor). This was during the depression and he took any job he could, and worked the rest of his too-short life doing whatever he could to support us. He went to WW II and learned to repair aircraft and worked in Guam doing that.
> 
> When he returned from war, the only job he could find was delivering milk to grocery stores and he did that until he was forced to retire after several massive heart attacks (during which he kept working). We lived a middle class life that my dad and mom -- both without formal education -- were able to provide. He instilled in me the belief that you should only accept help if needed, and that there's a certain pride in doing things yourself.
> 
> So yeah, I understand that mindset. But the problem with depression is that it often comes with a total loss of emotional resources to get better without help. For situational stuff, sure, if someone has good skills and a support system they can probably "get over it" without meds or therapy. But if you have a chemical problem in your brain -- be it PTSD, postpartum depression or a panic disorder -- you can't will that away. Trust me, I've tried.
> 
> Now that being said, we all should take an active role in our health. If you just sit back, take your meds and make the same poor choices over and over again, you're not getting the best out of your treatment. But using medications to support you while you do what you can to reclaim your health -- mental, physical, or both -- is to me the best use of pharmaceuticals. Maybe you won't need them, maybe you will. But the process of learning the skills you'll need to manage your health is invaluable.
> 
> /end lecture


 
All of this. Like usual. 

Thank you for your words of wisdom.


I've been listening to a lot of music lately to get out of my head. It helps a lot.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I don't understand what is wrong with me.

With everything that's happening, why am I not breaking down every 5 minutes? Why am I not able to show any emotion? Do I even feel anything anymore?  

Facing facts, there's a logical fear of what could happen and what's to come. But emotionally looking at the facts... I draw a blank. It's like... it's past depression now. I've just completely shut down from any possible feelings. Isn't that more unhealthy than depression?


----------



## Mishty

Every moron in my family can drink their blues away, no matter how much or how often I hit the bottle I still end up in a puddle of tears and self loathing. That in itself depresses me.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I wish I had somewhere to go to unload, but I don't. My next appointment is in a week (the 15th) and I don't know if I can wait that long. The problem is that all therapists and social workers, etc, are so swamped in my area that they can't even handle their workloads. They have no time for a walk-in person like me. 

I did kind of break down while visiting my mother today. I didn't break down too much cuz all her roomies had visitors and I hate when people are around when I cry. I hatehatehate crying in front of people, no matter who it is.


----------



## Surlysomething

Mishty said:


> Every moron in my family can drink their blues away, no matter how much or how often I hit the bottle I still end up in a puddle of tears and self loathing. That in itself depresses me.


 

I don't even drink to chase my crap away. I wish it appealed to me. 

Sorry you're feeling so shitty, lady.


----------



## Surlysomething

Today was my best day since the breakup.

We actually talked for the first time on Thursday night since the event and I really got the answers I needed to start the moving on process and I didn't feel so rejected.
I'm working hard to be in a calmer place in my life. One day at a time (it's true)

And i'm really looking forward to spending time with my sisters and family this Christmas (I have 9 days off in a row! W00T!). It's guaranteed to be a laugh/food fest. 

Thank you all for being a part of my meltdown and thank you for all the encouraging and loving words. Greatly appreciated. Especially Miss Vickie who I hope will one day adopt me. Ha!


----------



## Miss Vickie

Aw, Surlysomething, so glad you're doing better. We really can move on (something I keep telling myself since I'm going through a rough patch myself right now). Losing trust is about the worst thing in the world, and I'm so sorry.

But yay for time off and happy days ahead.

And sure -- maybe we can adopt each other!


----------



## CAMellie

I have started this post almost a dozen times over the past few weeks and always deleted...until now. I'm feeling extremely desperate and am afraid I might have to do something extreme to get the help I really need.
I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II recurrent depressed with a borderline personality disorder and a social anxiety disorder in 1998. I only received help at that point when I ended up in the mental hospital. Until then my general practitioner had taken it upon himself to prescribe valium and ignore my pleas for a referral to a psychiatrist.
After my hospital admission I was finally able to get the help I needed, and, after a LOT of trial and error over the years, I was put on a medication regime that, combined with regular counseling sessions, worked wonders for me. I was falling asleep, and STAYING asleep, on a regular basis and I was able to function in public on my own. I was feeling again.
Then in June of this year I received a notice stating that my insurance was cancelled...as of the first day of June! I had NO previous notice so I could try and get something else into place so I wouldn't have any lapse in care or medications. (I am also on several medications for health issues - diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, osteoarthritis) I swallowed my pride and immediately applied for county aid...but their approval process took so long that I was unable to see a doctor until October.
My new doctor had no problem with writing the prescriptions for my diabetes etc. but said she felt uncomfortable writing the prescriptions for my psych meds. She promised me that she would put in a referral to the psych department (the county clinic is an all-in-one clinic - medical, psych, dental, x-rays, pharmacy) THAT SAME DAY but it's been 2 months and I haven't heard a thing! I have called several times but they always give me the run around. 
I have been without my psych meds for almost 6 months now (right on the heels of both my best friend of 15 years and my momma dying) and I am NOT doing good AT ALL!! I can't go in public by myself...for any reason. I do ok-ish as long as my husband is with me but even the thought of going somewhere by myself causes a panic attack. I have been isolating myself to a very scary degree. I swing back and forth between not feeling - not caring - and sleeping a lot...to feeling everything all at once to the point where I just scream and cry for hours.
My husband is the most emotionally calm person I have ever known in my entire life and I know that his calming presence is the only thing that has enabled me to maintain at least a semblance of "coping"...but that feeling is fading and I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll have to resort to drastic measure in order to be heard. I don't want to go back to the mental hospital!! I'm scared that even if I DO go back there they won't take me seriously because I'm not running around half-naked with a butcher knife screaming about the voices in my head.
My next appointment with my general practitioner is on the 29th (only 11 days to go) and I plan on not leaving until someone helps me!! I'm taking Adrian in with me, I'll be calm (or I'll try to be), I'll explain everything that I'm going through and ask (beg if I have to) for help. If nobody there will listen to me then I'll head up the street to the mental hospital. If THEY won't listen then I'll strip off my clothes, plop my fat ass in the middle of the waiting room, and scream my lungs out.
Yes...I AM that desperate.


I'm posting this...for good or bad.


----------



## activistfatgirl

Ugh, Mellie, this is so tough. It's just so unfair how broken our health care system is. You shouldn't have to go without medication that keeps you feeling and living. Advocate like hell for yourself! And don't go bringing out the butcher knives, lol! Self isolating and agoraphobia should be enough to trigger extra care if you're communicating that to your care providers, however frustrating as that is.

Good luck!


----------



## Surlysomething

CAMellie said:


> Yes...I AM that desperate.
> 
> 
> I'm posting this...for good or bad.




Holy crap. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

My main wish for America and having socialized medicine is for this very reason. Maybe Miss Vickie will have an idea how you could get the help you need.

I know this might sound cheesy, but have you ever tried meditation? It's not the end all be all but it might help out with panic attacks.


----------



## CarlaSixx

Awww Mellie, that's gotta be tough! Hopefully someone can point you in the right direction. Unfortunately I don't know how things work in the states, and barely understand how things work up here, to be honest.

I'm kind of in a tight spot, too. My GP doesn't want to write up any prescriptions even though he knows I do have BPD and Dysthymia, and often fall into double depressions. He feels it's better suited to a psychiatrist to prescribe anything, but my pills that I was on cost more than I could afford and made me so sick, so I stopped taking them. I'm trying to switch, and also trying to get on ODSP (disability) but since my psychiatrist quit his practice here in my city right before everything, I've been kinda going without help, and definitely without meds, ever since August.

It's no secret I'm in a REALLY bad place right now, but these forums have meant so much to me in the last few months.


----------



## Falling Boy

CarlaSixx said:


> Awww Mellie, that's gotta be tough! Hopefully someone can point you in the right direction. Unfortunately I don't know how things work in the states, and barely understand how things work up here, to be honest.
> 
> I'm kind of in a tight spot, too. My GP doesn't want to write up any prescriptions even though he knows I do have BPD and Dysthymia, and often fall into double depressions. He feels it's better suited to a psychiatrist to prescribe anything, but my pills that I was on cost more than I could afford and made me so sick, so I stopped taking them. I'm trying to switch, and also trying to get on ODSP (disability) but since my psychiatrist quit his practice here in my city right before everything, I've been kinda going without help, and definitely without meds, ever since August.
> 
> It's no secret I'm in a REALLY bad place right now, but these forums have meant so much to me in the last few months.



I know the feeling.....my depression has gotten worse. I'm recently getting back here to look for some interaction with people since I have become somewhat of a recluse. I haven't been online a whole lot since my "attempt" a little over a year ago.


----------



## J34

Its difficult talking about depression when there is really no one to turn to. I strongly believe I have been suffering from depression since mid 2009. It has taken awhile for me to come to grips with the truth of the situation. So I recently came forth to my sister (probably the only person I can trust with this) and then I got back the same response I expected... from like my mother. In other words "stop thinking about it", "think positive thoughts", "err do something positive, be around positive people." its the whole stereotypical response from those who dont understand. Then I am thinking that I now know why I just never really express my feelings, and its because people would just label these things from their own mindframe and just not comprehend it.

My sisters and mom are in temperament terms ESFJ. Which means they are extroverts, emotionally driven, judging. I am the polar opposite of their temparement so its no wonder why I just really dont communicate well with them at all. I can understand why they wouldnt understand where I am coming from. Though I feel I just got the door slammed in my face for opening up, its quite upsetting. Which makes you want to just avoid the situation even more, which is possibly the worst thing for me right now.

At one point years ago I was dean list student and doing well in college, and then it started to just fall apart. I just couldnt concentrate anymore like I used to. I am barely able to make it to class, and just don't even care to do my work. I might as well turn to my friends, as I am pretty sure it might have a much better outcome as they are (NT's - rationals), so we are all around the same (personality wise).

I just don't like this depression at all, I feel its like I am a car stuck in neutral while accelerating and not moving at all. For some reason I just can't switch gears . Though there are moments when I am good, but they dont last long. Also if I could I would go to a psycholgist or psychiatrist, problem is I dont have health insurance and can't afford the treatment


----------



## luscious_lulu

I've realized that my depression is getting bad again. I need to get my meds adjusted.


----------



## Surlysomething

I felt a quite teary over Christmas. 
I feel so weak when I don't have any control over the flow.

Thank goodness I was with my family as I got a ton of hugs and that really seemed to make up for it. Lots of laughs and hugs for my nephew.

One day at a time, everyone.


----------



## furious styles

it's been an up and down week. the holidays seem to always bring this about. i suppose because family is such a huge part of depression for so many people, me included. self medicating mostly to get through the rough patches.


----------



## CAMellie

I'm hanging on by my fingernails. Had a MAJOR meltdown night before last. Was VERY hard not to self-injure...but I controlled the urge. Tomorrow is my appointment. I hope someone listens.


----------



## CarlaSixx

My mom has now been put on the same depresion medication as I was given. Cipralex. She is NOT liking the side effects. At least she knows why I didn't like them. Only... I had those symptoms for two months. She's been on it for only 3 days. Wait til she gets them for as long as I have before she decides she wants to stop the medication.

Her reason is a little different, I guess. She's on a high dose even to start because she's gotten depressed from being in the hospital. But I know she's normally depressed beyond just that. We'll see what happens.

I'm just... kinda liking the fact that she gets to deal with the things I have dealt with. Emotionally sick is worse than physically sick. And she's really noticing it now. 

I'm having my big I TOLD YOU SO moment. Finally.


----------



## CAMellie

She REALLY listened! My doctor is so awesome. She verified that her referral went through and found out that it was still going to be awhile for a psychiatric intake...so she tracked down a psychiatrist and got his authorization to start me on my meds again. At lower dosages of course since I've been off of them for so long...but the same ones that were working for me so well and with refills! 
I had gained 10lbs over the last 3 months but she didn't even blink an eye. Turns out that she had underwent gastric bypass surgery and was very sympathetic. She definitely wasn't a GBS cheerleader...and even advised against it. All she said was that we need to get my depression under control so that I could feel comfortable going outside again and "get some fresh air and maybe walk a little" as she put it. She was warm, caring, sympathetic, and understanding. It was a VERY good visit today.:happy:


----------



## Surlysomething

so tired of




...the black dog..


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> so tired of
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...the black dog..



Oh, man. Me too.  I'm really flailing right now.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Oh, man. Me too.  I'm really flailing right now.



*hug*

I just had a shower (at 11pm). For some reason the water soothes me.


Tomorrow is another day...one foot in front of the other.


----------



## Surlysomething

Hard week.
Hard yesterday.

A bit easier today.


Let's hope for a brighter 2012, my friends in the struggle.

xxx
Tina


----------



## NancyGirl74

How do you distinguish the line between depression and grief? I've been depress and this feels different. I've experienced grief and this feels different too. I feel fine but...there is a disconnect somewhere. It's so hard to explain. I have lost so many people this year (or now last year) but my mother's passing has changed the setting on my emotions. I'm scrambled. One moment I'm hustling and bustling (my house has never been so clean) and the next I can't leave my bedroom. I did not shower for three days. I go back to work next week and I'm dreading it. I feel that once I'm not within the safety of my "cave" I will finally really lose it. I miss my mom. She's been sick for so long I'm so grateful she's at peace but I just miss her. I'm not sure I'll be able to function. It is so hard to explain...I don't feel depressed but I don't feel whole. Something is missing. And I can't seem to make sense of how I feel any more.


----------



## Surlysomething

NancyGirl74 said:


> How do you distinguish the line between depression and grief? I've been depress and this feels different. I've experienced grief and this feels different too. I feel fine but...there is a disconnect somewhere. It's so hard to explain. I have lost so many people this year (or now last year) but my mother's passing has changed the setting on my emotions. I'm scrambled. One moment I'm hustling and bustling (my house has never been so clean) and the next I can't leave my bedroom. I did not shower for three days. I go back to work next week and I'm dreading it. I feel that once I'm not within the safety of my "cave" I will finally really lose it. I miss my mom. She's been sick for so long I'm so grateful she's at peace but I just miss her. I'm not sure I'll be able to function. It is so hard to explain...I don't feel depressed but I don't feel whole. Something is missing. And I can't seem to make sense of how I feel any more.



I'm sure it's a mixture of both depression and grief. 

Grief is on-going as well (as i'm sure you know...it ebbs and flows). It's ok to let yourself feel it, but it's also ok to keep moving forward. Try and keep a good routine. Going back to work turns your mind off a little with the desperate and heart wrenching thoughts. 

As someone that's gone through a lot of deaths the last few years and lost her mom as a tween, I feel for you. Don't forget to connect with people. Get out. Laugh. Read. Watch movies. Keep busy. 

2012 will be better....


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. 9 days off was way too much for my idle brain to handle. As much as I had a nice Christmas, I also came really close to having a major meltdown.

I need a routine to feel normal. :blink: Strange but true.


----------



## GTAFA

Surlysomething said:


> I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. 9 days off was way too much for my idle brain to handle. As much as I had a nice Christmas, I also came really close to having a major meltdown.
> 
> I need a routine to feel normal. :blink: Strange but true.



When I was asked how i felt about the end of holidays & the beginning of work today (yes we're back already), i said i was glad to be back, raising eyebrows. But when it's like watching_* Dysfunctional Family Feud *_one wants to return to the distractions of work. 

Sure, sometimes denial is just a river in Egypt. But denial is my favourite pain-management strategy. When I think about something bothering me, it can feel worse. Thank goodness being busy distracts my mind.

And on top of all the other pressures of Christmas (eg family pressure), you have the additional disconnect with everyone else who speaks of the joys of the season. I spent years pretending and covering up. But I finally am declaring up front that i am glad to be back at work, after the holidays. Don't let anyone tell you that you are supposed to prefer the holidays, if they stop being enjoyable. Actually it's nobody's business how you feel or what you do.


----------



## Lovelyone

Nancy, 
I can empathize with what you've written here. I lost my mother on the 4th of July 2010. I was not (and still am not) the same person now that I was when she was living. Holidays have lost their luster and whimsy for me. I go through the motions for my family (especially for the children of my family). 
On the holidays I smile when we are together, and cry when we are not. The first year was the hardest because of the vacant seat at all of the holiday meals. My mother was the true matriarch. She had control of the kitchen and made all of the holiday meals. That first year I was on auto-pilot and if I hadn't had my sister to guide me through I doubt I would have been any good for anyone.To be honest, I slept through most of Christmas on 2010 and faked my way through the rest of it. 
This year on Independence day I was angry because the rest of my family wanted to celebrate, go to the lake, picnic and set off fireworks. I felt like no one really cared that this was the anniversary of my mother's passing. I resented that no one showed ANY kind of sadness about that. I've come to realize that this day will not have the same meaning for me as for others for the rest of my life and that others do not grieve as I do. Everyone is different. 
I am not a doctor but I can tell you that it's not uncommon to be suffering depression while you are grieving. In my experience they go hand in hand. I think that you should allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, even if you can't quite put a name to it. One day you will wake up and spend the entire day going through your routine: get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, eat your lunch, come home, clean the house, eat dinner etc...and at the end of the day you will look into the mirror and realize that you did not cry that day. From this point on things will get easier. 
It's been a year and a half since my mother passed and I miss her as much today as I did the day that her spirit left this earth. Not a day goes by that I don't tear up a little while thinking about her. What I've noticed about myself is that I go through the motions on the fourth of July for others...and most likely will always do that. I can't suggest that for you because everyone grieves differently--but I can say that it did get a little easier for me, and I pray that it will get easier for you. 




NancyGirl74 said:


> How do you distinguish the line between depression and grief? I've been depress and this feels different. I've experienced grief and this feels different too. I feel fine but...there is a disconnect somewhere. It's so hard to explain. I have lost so many people this year (or now last year) but my mother's passing has changed the setting on my emotions. I'm scrambled. One moment I'm hustling and bustling (my house has never been so clean) and the next I can't leave my bedroom. I did not shower for three days. I go back to work next week and I'm dreading it. I feel that once I'm not within the safety of my "cave" I will finally really lose it. I miss my mom. She's been sick for so long I'm so grateful she's at peace but I just miss her. I'm not sure I'll be able to function. It is so hard to explain...I don't feel depressed but I don't feel whole. Something is missing. And I can't seem to make sense of how I feel any more.


----------



## CAMellie

I got into a SUPER weird place in my head today...and chopped all my hair off! I'm only pissed because I don't have an electric shaver so I can make it even shorter!


----------



## Surlysomething

CAMellie said:


> I got into a SUPER weird place in my head today...and chopped all my hair off! I'm only pissed because I don't have an electric shaver so I can make it even shorter!




I think about doing that ALL THE TIME. You have balls, lady.

And by the way, I think it looks really good on you!


----------



## CAMellie

Surlysomething said:


> I think about doing that ALL THE TIME. You have balls, lady.
> 
> And by the way, I think it looks really good on you!



My balls were hanging to my knees today! Thank you for liking it. I'll post another pic once I can get my hands on some clippers.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I think it looks good, too 

I do that a lot. Which is why my hair is so short for a female. Lol. I see it as cutting away bad feelings or hurt, or just basically any past negativity. For me, a haircut is a great release, and I'd get one every month if I could afford it and if I wasn't trying to grow it out. Though I may soon tire of that idea and chop it all off once again. 

Heck... I did it in July when I went from 8 inches of hair down to 1 inch at the very longest. It was awesome!

----

This makes me think that I probably should cut my hair. See... I've been self-harming these past few days... which is kind of why I hate being home. It's like being stuck in a cage with my demons. And I do what I don't want to, because my demons get the best of me. It's like an addiction. It's awful. It's painful. 

But sometimes it helps. Sitting there with the ache of wanting to hurt is more painful than going ahead and hurting myself and then living with the aftermath. I went so long without doing it, too. And honestly... going without harming was the most painful part.

I have an appointment tomorrow... but I can't really go. I don't have bus tickets left and don't even have one dollar to spend. So even though I need to talk to someone, I'm confined to my cell... my apartment. For Gawd knows how long.


----------



## Surlysomething

CAMellie said:


> My balls were hanging to my knees today! Thank you for liking it. I'll post another pic once I can get my hands on some clippers.




Mine are heavy and it's cumbersome when I walk.


----------



## CAMellie

Surlysomething said:


> Mine are heavy and it's cumbersome when I walk.



BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I needed that laugh...thanks


----------



## NancyGirl74

Surlysomething said:


> I'm sure it's a mixture of both depression and grief.
> 
> Grief is on-going as well (as i'm sure you know...it ebbs and flows). It's ok to let yourself feel it, but it's also ok to keep moving forward. Try and keep a good routine. Going back to work turns your mind off a little with the desperate and heart wrenching thoughts.
> 
> As someone that's gone through a lot of deaths the last few years and lost her mom as a tween, I feel for you. Don't forget to connect with people. Get out. Laugh. Read. Watch movies. Keep busy.
> 
> 2012 will be better....



Seriously...2012 just can't be worse. Lord, I hope not!



Lovelyone said:


> Nancy,
> I can empathize with what you've written here. I lost my mother on the 4th of July 2010. I was not (and still am not) the same person now that I was when she was living. Holidays have lost their luster and whimsy for me. I go through the motions for my family (especially for the children of my family).
> On the holidays I smile when we are together, and cry when we are not. The first year was the hardest because of the vacant seat at all of the holiday meals. My mother was the true matriarch. She had control of the kitchen and made all of the holiday meals. That first year I was on auto-pilot and if I hadn't had my sister to guide me through I doubt I would have been any good for anyone.To be honest, I slept through most of Christmas on 2010 and faked my way through the rest of it.
> This year on Independence day I was angry because the rest of my family wanted to celebrate, go to the lake, picnic and set off fireworks. I felt like no one really cared that this was the anniversary of my mother's passing. I resented that no one showed ANY kind of sadness about that. I've come to realize that this day will not have the same meaning for me as for others for the rest of my life and that others do not grieve as I do. Everyone is different.
> I am not a doctor but I can tell you that it's not uncommon to be suffering depression while you are grieving. In my experience they go hand in hand. I think that you should allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, even if you can't quite put a name to it. One day you will wake up and spend the entire day going through your routine: get up, shower, get dressed, go to work, eat your lunch, come home, clean the house, eat dinner etc...and at the end of the day you will look into the mirror and realize that you did not cry that day. From this point on things will get easier.
> It's been a year and a half since my mother passed and I miss her as much today as I did the day that her spirit left this earth. Not a day goes by that I don't tear up a little while thinking about her. What I've noticed about myself is that I go through the motions on the fourth of July for others...and most likely will always do that. I can't suggest that for you because everyone grieves differently--but I can say that it did get a little easier for me, and I pray that it will get easier for you.



This was lovely! Thank you so much for your support!



CAMellie said:


> I got into a SUPER weird place in my head today...and chopped all my hair off! I'm only pissed because I don't have an electric shaver so I can make it even shorter!



Mellie, they say never cut your hair when you are feeling emotional but I have to tell you...I like it! I've been thinking of doing the same thing. Not too short though as I'd probably wouldn't handle it well. But I feel the need for a change and cutting my hair seems like a good place to start. 

As for my grief/depression...I'm feeling very bipolar. I was busy and fine today. Actually, sort of cheerful. Then I was texting with a friend. She said one thing and I fell apart. She wasn't unkind and probably wasn't aware of how her words affected me but I couldn't stop crying. Now I feel ok again. These mood swings are worse than PMS and so random. I start back to work tomorrow and I'm very worried that I'll lose it at some point. Otherwise, I'm looking forward to seeing my preschoolers and finding some kind of "normal".


----------



## CAMellie

NancyGirl74 said:


> As for my grief/depression...I'm feeling very bipolar. I was busy and fine today. Actually, sort of cheerful. Then I was texting with a friend. She said one thing and I fell apart. She wasn't unkind and probably wasn't aware of how her words affected me but I couldn't stop crying. Now I feel ok again. These mood swings are worse than PMS and so random. I start back to work tomorrow and I'm very worried that I'll lose it at some point. Otherwise, I'm looking forward to seeing my preschoolers and finding some kind of "normal".



I know that, in *my* situation, it felt like 1 step forward then a million steps back. I think the key is to take a moment to recognize your grief...and accept it. Your grief is valid and deserves to be felt. I would only become worried if your grief reached a point where you are unable to accomplish anything at all...showering, eating properly, sleeping, interacting with others.
As for falling apart over a text...that's perfectly normal. It's been 8 months since my momma passed and I still burst into tears over certain things...commercials she laughed at, her favorite movie being on TV, and even the smell of her perfume on a stranger on the train.
It never gets *better* but it DOES get easier to handle. Stay as strong as you can right now...and know that you have many friends who are willing to listen if you need to talk. Me included. *hug*


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm trying to be calm and less scatter-brained.

I was hoping that 2012 would start off with some 'wow' factor but it hasn't. Same old worry and anxiety over the same things. Trying to find the calm in the small things...a good cup of coffee, reading, a healthy meal, good conversations with friends.


Patience is a virtue.


----------



## Lovelyone

Surlysomething said:


> I'm trying to be calm and less scatter-brained.
> 
> I was hoping that 2012 would start off with some 'wow' factor but it hasn't. Same old worry and anxiety over the same things. Trying to find the calm in the small things...a good cup of coffee, reading, a healthy meal, good conversations with friends.
> 
> 
> Patience is a virtue.



I admire you for being able to try and find the calm in the small things. I get so overwhelmed with worry and sadness sometimes that I just forget to think about the good things.


----------



## CAMellie

I'm cutting again. I'm trying not to...but I can't help it. I finally see a counselor on the 27th. I've been on the Seroquel for 12 days...how damned long does it take for it to work???


----------



## Surlysomething

Lovelyone said:


> I admire you for being able to try and find the calm in the small things. I get so overwhelmed with worry and sadness sometimes that I just forget to think about the good things.



Thanks.  It seems like a lot of work to stay calm, weird how that is. 

Luckily I go back to work tomorrow and that keeps my mind occupied. People don't go to work just for the money, they go to keep busy and forget their problems.

I do like my sleep though....oh, lovely sleep.


----------



## thatgirl08

I keep waiting for that the moment when my life "clicks." When I'll finally have the answers, when the good will outweigh the bad, when things will feel complete and I'll finally get it. Getting older certainly has meant change, and answers, but its also meant more questions. Nothing gets easier.. just different.


----------



## Miss Vickie

thatgirl08 said:


> I keep waiting for that the moment when my life "clicks." When I'll finally have the answers, when the good will outweigh the bad, when things will feel complete and I'll finally get it. Getting older certainly has meant change, and answers, but its also meant more questions. Nothing gets easier.. just different.



Let me know if that happens for you, ok? I'm 47 (good lord, can I be that old?) and still waiting for it to happen! You're sure right that it just gets different. 

Recently I've had some life challenges and have pleasantly surprised myself at how well I've handled them. I've been able to for the most part maintain my inner strength, set my boundaries and limits and handle it as an adult. Even when I've reverted to the scared child who is fearful of abandonment, I've been fully aware of what I'm doing at the time and have been able to talk myself out of that hole. 

Most importantly I've been able to speak my truth, express my needs, and do it without apology.

I figure at my advanced age, that's progress.


----------



## Scorsese86

I feel better than ever.
I found a pill (Cipralex) that works for me, and I've met a lovely blonde who says thing to me I've never heard before.
Wish me luck


----------



## Surlysomething

Scorsese86 said:


> I feel better than ever.
> I found a pill (Cipralex) that works for me, and I've met a lovely blonde who says thing to me I've never heard before.
> Wish me luck


 

Huge luck! I'm so happy you're feeling better.


----------



## imfree

Scorsese86 said:


> I feel better than ever.
> I found a pill (Cipralex) that works for me, and I've met a lovely blonde who says thing to me I've never heard before.
> Wish me luck



Nice!!! Good news blesses everyone!:happy:


----------



## CarlaSixx

Ivan, best of luck  Sounds like things are great!

----

I've been having a bit of luck. I've been feeling a lot better. I've been using weed, though. Once every 3 days. So it's kept my spirits up and I've surprisingly got a LOT of stuff done.

I think what would help me stop feeling so depressed is if I would have an income. Right now, that's my stressor. And it sucks.


----------



## CAMellie

I have been doing remarkably well these past few days. I've been more communicative with the people in my life...actually discussing things with them instead of shutting down or going off the deep end. My only concern is that my manic episodes have been increasing. It wouldn't be so bad except that someone important in my life is struggling for her life right now and I don't feel anything. I'm feeling more analytical than emotional about it.


----------



## thatgirl08

After nearly two weeks of crippling anxiety that left me in tears daily at work, I finally found some relief Wednesday. It was like a light switch had been flicked.. went to bed and woke up feeling better. Work has been (comparatively) a breeze the last two days. Hoping this continues at least through the weekend.. have a lot of important friend-stuff going on this weekend and I want to be able to enjoy myself!


----------



## CastingPearls

Started a new type of therapy with my therapist and my doctor also upped my anti-depressant dosage to the max limit to help me function through the Winter because it's so remote and isolated here and I feel claustrophic. I know it will be better in the Spring and Summer. I used to love snow and the Winter in general but knew I had to leave my marriage and my house before snowfall and that's exactly what I did. I was in such bad shape emotionally and he was becoming more openly hostile that I don't know what would have happened had I gotten snowbound with him for days at a time.

Right now I don't know if it's the new therapy, or the dosage increase or maybe because I'm able to eat now and there's less stomach pain but I don't burst into tears so easily when I'm reminded of something or someone. I feel kind of numb actually. I'll talk to my therapist about that part because I don't want that to interfere with the therapy which requires me to return to traumatic events and 'feel' the emotion in order to reroute neural pathways.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Is that therapy EMDR? I had it and it helped me tremendously. It's pretty much totally resolved my claustrophobia, which resulted from being locked in trunks as a child. (Yeah, I lead a charmed existence, what can I say?)

As for worsening depression in winter, last year I utilized SAD lights which made a difference. The only downside was that if I used them too late in the day I had trouble sleeping. This year I'm using them, though not as often, and am being much more consistent with my Vitamin D which has helped a lot too.

Best of luck to you, and to Thatgirl and Camellie in the days and weeks to come!


----------



## CastingPearls

Miss Vickie said:


> Is that therapy EMDR? I had it and it helped me tremendously. It's pretty much totally resolved my claustrophobia, which resulted from being locked in trunks as a child. (Yeah, I lead a charmed existence, what can I say?)
> 
> As for worsening depression in winter, last year I utilized SAD lights which made a difference. The only downside was that if I used them too late in the day I had trouble sleeping. This year I'm using them, though not as often, and am being much more consistent with my Vitamin D which has helped a lot too.
> 
> Best of luck to you, and to Thatgirl and Camellie in the days and weeks to come!


It IS EMDR and even after the first session there were positive results. I looked it up and there's up to an 85% success rate which is amazing and my therapist is evidently some big deal with that particular therapy so I'm in good hands.

Oh and Vick--charmed existence? Yeah, me too.


----------



## CAMellie

Miss Vickie said:


> Best of luck to you, and to Thatgirl and *Camellie* in the days and weeks to come!



Thank you so much, Miss Vickie. :happy:


----------



## CarlaSixx

My therapist is offering to do EMDR on me as well. Not for at least another 3 months of visits, but still. I don't know if it'll help, really. I've kinda gone numb from my past, so I don't know how it could really help. I'm pretty sure I know the cause of a lot of my problems.

Also... when I was put on anti-depressants, each time, I felt like I was numb. Like my body wanted to respond in a happy or stressed manner... but I didn't _feel_ it. I couldn't tell if I was sad, happy, just okay, or what. A week after stopping, I could feel again. 
So it might have something to do with having the max dosage, maybe? I've heard it's common. My doctor stopped my meds simply because of that the first time.


----------



## Miss Vickie

CastingPearls said:


> It IS EMDR and even after the first session there were positive results. I looked it up and there's up to an 85% success rate which is amazing and my therapist is evidently some big deal with that particular therapy so I'm in good hands.
> 
> Oh and Vick--charmed existence? Yeah, me too.



I'm so glad you're having that therapy. It helped me a lot, and every time I can go into a bathroom and close the door I silently thank my therapist (as does my family, no doubt). 

And yeah, charmed. Right?



CarlaSixx said:


> My therapist is offering to do EMDR on me as well. Not for at least another 3 months of visits, but still. I don't know if it'll help, really. I've kinda gone numb from my past, so I don't know how it could really help. I'm pretty sure I know the cause of a lot of my problems.
> 
> Also... when I was put on anti-depressants, each time, I felt like I was numb. Like my body wanted to respond in a happy or stressed manner... but I didn't _feel_ it. I couldn't tell if I was sad, happy, just okay, or what. A week after stopping, I could feel again.
> So it might have something to do with having the max dosage, maybe? I've heard it's common. My doctor stopped my meds simply because of that the first time.



Carla, I had that problem with Zoloft. I just could not feel, but at that point in my life, that is what I needed and it helped me be safer. However, after being off antidepressants for many years and needing more of an anti-anxiety boost because of school, I'm on Lexapro. It gives me that little bit of space between my emotions and my response to my emotions, allowing me to calm myself and think about things differently. My boss has noticed a huge difference and I feel much calmer and haven't had any side effects from it.

There are so many different antidepressants that work differently, if one doesn't work for you it is worth talking to your practitioner about switching to another one if you're not happy with it. With some you have to taper off before trying another, but with many of them you can just switch.

And for those who have chronic pain and depression, Cymbalta and Savella are both very helpful. Or so the drug reps tell me.  Seriously, though, Cymbalta has recently been approved by the FDA for fibromyalgia and chronic pain. So just something to think about since as we all know, pain is some depressing shit.


----------



## thatgirl08

I would really like to start therapy again but I'm also apprehensive. I've seen a lot of therapists in my life and only connected with a few. The last few I saw all told me I didn't have a diagnosable anxiety disorder. I know that isn't true.. at minimum I have a few full blown anxiety attacks a month and several limited symptom attacks a week. I have difficulty adjusting to certain situations because of my anxiety. I know that's not normal. I'm constantly met with suggestions to breathe deeply, communicate with people in my life and avoid caffeine. What I try (and clearly fail) to explain is that I do do these basic things to keep me going over the edge but I'm sick of feeling like I might be pushed off the cliff at any moment. I was told by one therapist that I seemed to be managing well because I had a job, was going to school and had satisfactory relationships with some of my friends and family. All of which is true.. I have my shit together for the most part .. definitely more so than when my anxiety first started.. but its also a quality of life thing. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting tooth and nail every single day for the rest of my life just to keep my head above water. It's exhausting.. mentally, physically, emotionally. The last few therapists have all been found through my EAP but I'm thinking I need to look else where as many of them appear to focus more on helping with immediate stressful situations rather than long term mental illness care. Sigh, I'm just frustrated.


----------



## paperman921

thatgirl08 said:


> I keep waiting for that the moment when my life "clicks." When I'll finally have the answers, when the good will outweigh the bad, when things will feel complete and I'll finally get it. Getting older certainly has meant change, and answers, but its also meant more questions. Nothing gets easier.. just different.



I can relate to this on so many levels. I feel there are moments where everything feels balanced and right. But, those a few and far between.


----------



## Alicatt

I've had chronic depression the majority of my life, only diagnosed last spring.

I take a little pill everyday, and outside of the unavoidable times when the depression pokes it's ugly little head up through what the pill is able to "fix"...I feel great.

There are a few things I've found helpful: getting as much sunlight as I reasonably can (if you can afford one of those UV lamps...i'm sure that would help), trying to eat as healthily as possible (this means avoiding packaged foods/preservatives/etc), and getting even a small amount of exercise a few times a week....and of course there's trying very hard to avoid isolation and finding a creative outlet


----------



## Surlysomething

I don't trust one single person 100%.





Thank you for that.


----------



## Lovelyone

Surlysomething said:


> I don't trust one single person 100%.
> 
> Thank you for that.



We have this in common, and I am sorry that someone made you feel that way. It's a very hard way to live your life when you feel like you cannot trust anyone even a little bit. 

I came to this thread to write down about how I am struggling at this moment with feeling like I deserve to exist and how hard it is to live with people who makes you feel like you are invisible. I feel that when I am struggling I need someone...anyone to listen. They don't particularly have to care about what I am saying but just listen. I don't really feel like I have that at the moment. I've asked my family (and some of my friends) about what THEY are going through. When they speak, I listen. I sometimes feel as if I am not given the same courtesy. It only takes a few moments to ask someone what's up with them, and only a few minutes to truly listen.


----------



## Surlysomething

Lovelyone said:


> We have this in common, and I am sorry that someone made you feel that way. It's a very hard way to live your life when you feel like you cannot trust anyone even a little bit.
> 
> I came to this thread to write down about how I am struggling at this moment with feeling like I deserve to exist and how hard it is to live with people who makes you feel like you are invisible. I feel that when I am struggling I need someone...anyone to listen. They don't particularly have to care about what I am saying but just listen. I don't really feel like I have that at the moment. I've asked my family (and some of my friends) about what THEY are going through. When they speak, I listen. I sometimes feel as if I am not given the same courtesy. It only takes a few moments to ask someone what's up with them, and only a few minutes to truly listen.


 
Thanks. It's so disheartening. 

And i'm sorry that no one in your family listens to you. Have you ever thought about getting out there and volunteering a little or a part time job? It might be nice to be around people that you don't see every day.


----------



## lottapounds

thatgirl08 said:


> I would really like to start therapy again but I'm also apprehensive. I've seen a lot of therapists in my life and only connected with a few.



Don't be afraid to shop around for a therapist who seems like someone you can work with. I know sometimes it isn't possible because of insurance concerns, but if you have the option, take some time to find someone you like. You can ask questions upfront about their methadology and counseling philosophy, and see if you think it is a good fit for you. Think of it as shopping for a good swimsuit that makes you look good but is still comfortable.


----------



## Lovelyone

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks. It's so disheartening.
> 
> And i'm sorry that no one in your family listens to you. Have you ever thought about getting out there and volunteering a little or a part time job? It might be nice to be around people that you don't see every day.



I honestly hesitated in sharing any information here in this thread. Depression can be intense and all too personal. I mean, how many times I have looked at someone's avatar and thought, "Wow I never would have guessed they went through so much. They always seem like they have it together." I even envied their life at times. You cannot tell by looking at someone's picture how much strife and anguish they might be dealing with. It's hard to make an assumption about someone from what they write on a forums, because some people don't share private things about their lives. My life has been on hold for the past 6 years and I am currently wondering what in the hell I am going to do now. 

I agree with you that I need to be around other people but my circumstance creates a bit of a problem in that regard. I have no car and no money. (imagine telling someone who wants to date you that you are poor and have no car and that they must pay for everything). The city I live in downsized the bus routes, so I can catch the bus 2 x's in the morning and 2x's in the afternoon because that's the only time the bus comes through my area. That severely limits my availability in the workplace. Almost all of my friends live out of state and I live in an area of town where things aren't close enough to walk to in order to get a job (which in turn would give me the funds to get a car and a better job). My sister and her husband only have one really crappy vehicle that eats up gas at a crazy rate (which we cannot afford to use regularly). SO, that puts me in a REALLY sticky situation with pretty much no way out for the time being. Unless my fairy godmother decides to pop her head in and offer up some sort of relief OR I win the lottery (remember, no money). Neither of these options are going happen. So I am "stuck" for the moment in an unbelievably miserable and unhappy life. I do my best to make the most of it but I cannot force myself to smile when inside I am not feeling that way.

To top that all off, I spent 5 of the past 6 years of my life helping to take care of my ailing mother (she passed away in 2010) who desperately needed someone with her at all times (something that none of my other relatives would do for her). I spent my life savings and other money intended for my retirement to get my mother out of trouble with her bank because of family who nickel and dimed my mother out of money (and have since let our childhood home go into foreclosure) and now I have no life savings to fall back on, no 401K, nothing.

I am currently helping one sister get through cancer and a double mastectomy. In essence, I gave up part of my life--a good life with a good paying job, a car, my own place to live, money in the bank, savings--for other people. I am a little resentful that I have become invisible and obsolete to these same people unless they need me for something like free babysitting, housework, or cooking. Now I have a resume with huge gaps in it and am feeling a little hopeless at the moment. I know in my heart that things will turn around, but sometimes the load is just too much to bear.


----------



## Surlysomething

Lovelyone said:


> I honestly hesitated in sharing any information here in this thread. Depression can be intense and all too personal. I mean, how many times I have looked at someone's avatar and thought, "Wow I never would have guessed they went through so much. They always seem like they have it together." I even envied their life at times. You cannot tell by looking at someone's picture how much strife and anguish they might be dealing with. It's hard to make an assumption about someone from what they write on a forums, because some people don't share private things about their lives. My life has been on hold for the past 6 years and I am currently wondering what in the hell I am going to do now.
> 
> I agree with you that I need to be around other people but my circumstance creates a bit of a problem in that regard. I have no car and no money. (imagine telling someone who wants to date you that you are poor and have no car and that they must pay for everything). The city I live in downsized the bus routes, so I can catch the bus 2 x's in the morning and 2x's in the afternoon because that's the only time the bus comes through my area. That severely limits my availability in the workplace. Almost all of my friends live out of state and I live in an area of town where things aren't close enough to walk to in order to get a job (which in turn would give me the funds to get a car and a better job). My sister and her husband only have one really crappy vehicle that eats up gas at a crazy rate (which we cannot afford to use regularly). SO, that puts me in a REALLY sticky situation with pretty much no way out for the time being. Unless my fairy godmother decides to pop her head in and offer up some sort of relief OR I win the lottery (remember, no money). Neither of these options are going happen. So I am "stuck" for the moment in an unbelievably miserable and unhappy life. I do my best to make the most of it but I cannot force myself to smile when inside I am not feeling that way.
> 
> To top that all off, I spent 5 of the past 6 years of my life helping to take care of my ailing mother (she passed away in 2010) who desperately needed someone with her at all times (something that none of my other relatives would do for her). I spent my life savings and other money intended for my retirement to get my mother out of trouble with her bank because of family who nickel and dimed my mother out of money (and have since let our childhood home go into foreclosure) and now I have no life savings to fall back on, no 401K, nothing.
> 
> I am currently helping one sister get through cancer and a double mastectomy. In essence, I gave up part of my life--a good life with a good paying job, a car, my own place to live, money in the bank, savings--for other people. I am a little resentful that I have become invisible and obsolete to these same people unless they need me for something like free babysitting, housework, or cooking. Now I have a resume with huge gaps in it and am feeling a little hopeless at the moment. I know in my heart that things will turn around, but sometimes the load is just too much to bear.


 
Oh, I agree that depression is extremely personal. People have used my frankness about it from this thread in other areas of the site and I have had to ask mods to remove it. No one is going to make me feel bad about my struggle. I do enough of that on my own.

I'm sorry that your situation makes it so difficult to break out of. I live in a big city and sometimes it's hard for me to remember that not all towns/cities have the same resources that mine does. I also mention a p/t job or volunteering because for me (sometimes) it's the only thing that keeps me going. Having a purpose, y'know? 

Try and keep your head up and search out as many options as you can. 

My Mom always says...GO FOR A WALK. It actually does help. And it's free. (I love free).


----------



## topher38

I have to say I have hit the wall. I have a good life where I live, I got divorced over 6 years ago and wouldn't let anyone into my life. but last year I did let a girl in at first everything was well, then in Nov I got a long letter telling me she is not in love with me, she had found someone new. Now I was shocked we never had a fight and things where going nicely. But I was wrong. I was super hurt.. Now I know people get hurt all the time, normally I can get up off the mat. but I have found I can't get up. I break down a lot. I cut contact with her in early Dec. telling her I didn't want to be her friend and see her with her new man, I have never gone months being so unhappy and even wishing sometimes when i go to sleep asking God to not let me wake-up..


----------



## Surlysomething

Having such a bad, down day.

Want to get my mojo back, can't find it anywhere.


----------



## CAMellie

I had forgotten just how much physical pain affects my depression. I've had really good pain control these past few days and I've noticed that my depression has gone way down.


----------



## CastingPearls

CAMellie said:


> I had forgotten just how much physical pain affects my depression. I've had really good pain control these past few days and I've noticed that my depression has gone way down.


My emotions, including my depression, caused me so much physical pain, that they completely rendered my ulcer meds ineffective. It wasn't until I started working with my therapist on meditation, breathing techniques and therapy called EMDT after that the pain that made me double over whenever I thought about a particular thing I've been struggling with, has now pretty much abated. Depression absolutely does have a direct effect on your body, your health. And your pain can absolutely cause you depression.


----------



## bigmac

Looks like some new depression treatments (using some old drugs for new purposes) are on the horizon.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/201...epression-drugs-offer-hope-for-toughest-cases

Depression suffers may want to talk to their doctors about these new options.


----------



## CastingPearls

bigmac said:


> Looks like some new depression treatments (using some old drugs for new purposes) are on the horizon.
> 
> http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/201...epression-drugs-offer-hope-for-toughest-cases
> 
> Depression suffers may want to talk to their doctors about these new options.


I could swear ketamine was a horse tranquilizer, but stranger things have happened. Too bad it's only available right now via IV but for someone suicidal, it could save their lives. Here's hoping researchers look further into the differences between that and SSRIs and produce better and easier to use applications. I've read about its applications to depression before. Here's to promising updates!


----------



## thatgirl08

Okay.. I hate to sound like a negative Nancy but I'm pretty sure a lot of "club drugs" will temporarily relieve depression. If you're rolling on X or something you're probably too high to be depressed.


----------



## topher38

I have been using Valerin.. totally stopped drinking.. the pain away.. I been feeling good now for about a week. I wanted to thank everyone who sent me a note to hang in there.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I think I'm going to be okay without meds. There seems to be a moment, every few days, where I feel peaceful... at ease... I'd even venture out to blissful... It's really hard to explain why or how it happens, but normally I'm not really paying attention to anything around me, and I suddenly smile. Just smile. And then things feel better somehow. It lasts for a few minutes, but it's getting longer and longer each time. Sometimes it hits me while walking from the bus stop to my front door when there's a light snowfall. Sometimes I'm on the bus in a darker area and looking out towards the sea of lights from the city. 
I didn't think it could start with something so small. But I guess no longer trying to hide the secrets of my past has been rather helpful, too. 

True, I have days where I struggle, breakdown, or get very easily angered, but they're becoming fewer and fewer. And I think I might be on the road to recovery once and for all.


----------



## CarlaSixx

As someone who's used ketamine and acid before (which is also making a healthcare comeback), I'd have to say this is a dangerous route for healthcare to take. But if in desperation, and being well monitored by healthcare professionals, ketamine may definitely save a suicidal person's life. Back then, when I was suicidal, it helped me. Mind you... I had really stupid reactions. Like how when I was on it, someone told me to find my nose and I stared blankly at them, only to press my finger hard on my nose and shout "Look! There's my nose!" 30 minutes later after the conversation had well been changed from what our highs were like.

If anyone has to go that route and gets told by their doctor to do use it, do so very very carefully. 

And if you're a nicotine addict, they say taking long slow drags of cigarettes (or e-cigs, too!) can give you temporary relief as well. Well... long and slow for anxiety, fast and short for energy. Nicotine is the only drug that can act as an upper or a relaxer.


----------



## Surlysomething

I knew I was going to have a low threshold for any bullshit this week and true to form i'm stuck in the middle of it.

I think the only saving grace is that i'm adult enough not to act on it too harshly, but man i'm not digging the surroundings I have to spend so much time in. The people are sucking my soul dry. Every day is just a little more shitty.

I'm thankful for my job, but i'm not sure how much more I can take before it's clearly evident that I would rather be anywhere else.

Yes, i'm always looking for new employment. Stupid economy.

Whew. Needed to vent. Merci.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Carla, those little moments of "lightness" as I call them feel pretty darn good, don't they? I catch myself feeling downright happy and hopeful sometimes and it's a nice thing. Give me hope.

Surlysomething, damn, sounds like you're having a craptastic week, but I'm glad you could vent and get it out. Sometimes being able to let it out is what stands between holding it together and being... erm... inappropriate. I've found that my tolerance for BS has decreased significantly as I've *cough cough* matured, and I'm finding myself a lot more vocal without intending to, calling people on their shit, setting limits, saying no -- all relatively new things for me, who believe it or not was such a mouse I never stood up for myself. 

I'm not sure it's always helpful or appropriate, but has made me feel much more empowered, and it seems to build on itself, making me stronger and more confident in my own voice. That being said, there are times when speaking out doesn't do shit but make things worse. During those times I do love having a place I can let it hang out where my ravings can't be used against me.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Surlysomething, damn, sounds like you're having a craptastic week, but I'm glad you could vent and get it out. Sometimes being able to let it out is what stands between holding it together and being... erm... inappropriate. I've found that my tolerance for BS has decreased significantly as I've *cough cough* matured, and I'm finding myself a lot more vocal without intending to, calling people on their shit, setting limits, saying no -- all relatively new things for me, who believe it or not was such a mouse I never stood up for myself.
> 
> I'm not sure it's always helpful or appropriate, but has made me feel much more empowered, and it seems to build on itself, making me stronger and more confident in my own voice. That being said, there are times when speaking out doesn't do shit but make things worse. During those times I do love having a place I can let it hang out where my ravings can't be used against me.


 
Thanks, MV.  I'm happy to report that this week has been the best week i've had in months. It's such a nice change. Haha.

This place has helped a lot and i'm very appreciative.

Thanks for your kind words (as usual) :happy:


----------



## Jeeshcristina

I usually try to refrain from posting the sad stuff, but man this week has got me down. It was my mother's birthday yesterday. She died about 9 years ago, and honestly, I don't know if I've ever dealt with it. I had a tumultuous relationship with her, and I just really regret so much, even though I was only a teenager when she died. The last thing I told her was how much I hated her, and then before you know it, she was in the hospital and died a horrible horrible way. I never got a chance to make things right with her. So, during this time of year, I'm sad, lonely, and just angry in general. I feel so incredibly alone all the time because I just can't talk about it with anyone, and I just wish someone could see past the fake smiles once in awhile. My heart hurts today. It'll be okay I know, but I just needed to vent a little.


----------



## CastingPearls

Jeeshcristina said:


> I usually try to refrain from posting the sad stuff, but man this week has got me down. It was my mother's birthday yesterday. She died about 9 years ago, and honestly, I don't know if I've ever dealt with it. I had a tumultuous relationship with her, and I just really regret so much, even though I was only a teenager when she died. The last thing I told her was how much I hated her, and then before you know it, she was in the hospital and died a horrible horrible way. I never got a chance to make things right with her. So, during this time of year, I'm sad, lonely, and just angry in general. I feel so incredibly alone all the time because I just can't talk about it with anyone, and I just wish someone could see past the fake smiles once in awhile. My heart hurts today. It'll be okay I know, but I just needed to vent a little.


My mom died ten years ago in November. She died a long agonizing death and we made our peace with each other during the time I was her caregiver. The damage had already been done, in spite of forgiveness given and much recovery is needed and being addressed through therapy. I share this with you because this is how I relate, by saying, I have a pretty good idea of what you're feeling. The conflict, the sadness, the regret, the love and the hate, all of it. 

I tend to talk out what bothers me so a lot of people know what's going on with me and assume that I don't censor myself (or are just exhausted by me) but I do. There are some things I can't talk about with anyone, even when someone does see there's something going on underneath. Some things, are just unspeakable. There are no words good enough to express the loneliness, sadness and rage. The grief. 

It's okay to vent here. Hugs. Big ones.


----------



## Jeeshcristina

CastingPearls said:


> My mom died ten years ago in November. She died a long agonizing death and we made our peace with each other during the time I was her caregiver. The damage had already been done, in spite of forgiveness given and much recovery is needed and being addressed through therapy. I share this with you because this is how I relate, by saying, I have a pretty good idea of what you're feeling. The conflict, the sadness, the regret, the love and the hate, all of it.
> 
> I tend to talk out what bothers me so a lot of people know what's going on with me and assume that I don't censor myself (or are just exhausted by me) but I do. There are some things I can't talk about with anyone, even when someone does see there's something going on underneath. Some things, are just unspeakable. There are no words good enough to express the loneliness, sadness and rage. The grief.
> 
> It's okay to vent here. Hugs. Big ones.



You really did make my night. I needed to hear that it's not just me being crazy. God it feels like I'm just a bundle of emotions these days, and I don't know what the in the heck to do to fix it. I'm sorry you had to lose your mother too. Even if we don't have perfect relationships, the love never goes away. Neither does the missing them.


----------



## Surlysomething

This is not the life I wanted to live.
I have NO ONE rooting for me. 



It's so awful feeling this defeated.
Tired.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I'm back to struggling with my depression again.

Gah... And I was so hopeful that I wouldn't need meds.
But I think part of it is because I don't get to speak one-on-one to anyone without the chance of being judged. Having my private sessions were helping, I think. And so long without one... well... I'm thinking that may be the problem. Maybe. I dunno.


----------



## thatgirl08

Surlysomething said:


> This is not the life I wanted to live.
> I have NO ONE rooting for me.
> 
> 
> 
> It's so awful feeling this defeated.
> Tired.





CarlaSixx said:


> I'm back to struggling with my depression again.
> 
> Gah... And I was so hopeful that I wouldn't need meds.
> But I think part of it is because I don't get to speak one-on-one to anyone without the chance of being judged. Having my private sessions were helping, I think. And so long without one... well... I'm thinking that may be the problem. Maybe. I dunno.



I'm sorry to hear both of you aren't feeling well. Sending good thoughts your way!


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I'm sorry to hear both of you aren't feeling well. Sending good thoughts your way!


 
Thank you. 

Feeling a bit better today. Not sure why I was such a drama llama yesterday.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> This is not the life I wanted to live.
> I have NO ONE rooting for me.
> 
> 
> 
> It's so awful feeling this defeated.
> Tired.





Surlysomething said:


> Thank you.
> 
> Feeling a bit better today. Not sure why I was such a drama llama yesterday.



I'm sorry I didn't see your post yesterday, but I'm so glad you're better today. And just so you know, you do have people rooting for you. *raises hand* And I'm sure I'm one of many, though when depression talks, it feels like we're alone, like no one cares. It's one of the more dangerous aspects of the disease because it encourages us to isolate from others, which is the last thing we need. 

I hope that 2012 brings you a year of healing and a lifting of your spirits.



CarlaSixx said:


> I'm back to struggling with my depression again.
> 
> Gah... And I was so hopeful that I wouldn't need meds.
> But I think part of it is because I don't get to speak one-on-one to anyone without the chance of being judged. Having my private sessions were helping, I think. And so long without one... well... I'm thinking that may be the problem. Maybe. I dunno.



Carla, can you get back to someone so you can talk to them about medications or therapy? It sounds like the therapy was really helpful; I hope that's something you can revisit soon. I know what you mean about hoping to not use medications, but when our brains are re-wired from trauma, depression and anxiety, sometimes we need those medications. It doesn't mean you'll have to be on them forever; but if they help you out, why not? We self medicate in other ways -- alcohol, food, whatever -- why not bow at the alter of pharmaceuticals and see what they can do.  Sometimes using them gives us enough space to work through our crap and develop good coping skills.

I hope today is better and that, like Surlysomething, you were just having a bad day. Often something as simple as crazy hormone shifts can really mess with our mood. Blah.

Feel better.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> I'm sorry I didn't see your post yesterday, but I'm so glad you're better today. And just so you know, you do have people rooting for you. *raises hand* And I'm sure I'm one of many, though when depression talks, it feels like we're alone, like no one cares. It's one of the more dangerous aspects of the disease because it encourages us to isolate from others, which is the last thing we need.
> 
> I hope that 2012 brings you a year of healing and a lifting of your spirits.


 
Thank you, MV. I can always count on your wisdom and sweetness. It's always very much appreciated.

There's sun out today. That reeeeally helps too.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Thank you, MV. I can always count on your wisdom and sweetness. It's always very much appreciated.
> 
> There's sun out today. That reeeeally helps too.



Aw, thank YOU. Glad I could help a little -- even after the fact. I've been there. Hell, I AM there. And you know what they say -- misery loves company.

Enjoy the sun. It makes all the difference, doesn't it?


----------



## furious styles

up and down with a lot of recurring self-defeating thoughts. hyper criticisms, massive goals, logic based arguments, anything my mind can do to make itself feel shittier for not getting things done (which of course completes the cycle when i end up not getting anything done).

the sun does help though. there are still great things out there which help.


----------



## Surlysomething

furious styles said:


> up and down with a lot of recurring self-defeating thoughts. hyper criticisms, massive goals, logic based arguments, anything my mind can do to make itself feel shittier for not getting things done (which of course completes the cycle when i end up not getting anything done).
> 
> the sun does help though. there are still great things out there which help.


 
The sun totally helps! Have you thought about getting one of those weird light boxes? Meditation helps tremendously as well. I'm not ususally one to sound super granola about life, but meditation has helped me out quite a bit.

Hang in there. Better days will come.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Aw, thank YOU. Glad I could help a little -- even after the fact. I've been there. Hell, I AM there. And you know what they say -- misery loves company.
> 
> Enjoy the sun. It makes all the difference, doesn't it?


 
Sun reeeeeeally helps. I used to think I had reverse SAD because the sun depressed me, weird eh? But now the sun totally gets me pumped.

We're in the rainy, dark season here. It takes a lot to get motivated.

Coffee. Coffee.


----------



## Webmaster

Miss Vickie said:


> Enjoy the sun. It makes all the difference, doesn't it?



I definitely second that. I just put up a big post on what constitutes happiness on the main board, and this reminded me what a big boost a bright sunny day can be!


----------



## Jes

For those of you who can walk/exercise, do you ever get out and (in the sun, no less!) walk around the block or swim, or something else? I know that it can help and is free, and certainly worth a try. Therapy and pills can be great too, but exercise can be really effective to get some good endorphins going, to change up the routine, to be really _in_ your body (something I sometimes lacked when I had depression years ago) and clear your mind out. I think even something very mild is worth a shot if you do it regularly enough!


----------



## GTAFA

What I found about walking is true of several activities that are less strenuous: that so long as i am active rather than passive, i can feel better. What really gets me down is when i am passive, addicted to TV or the internet (that is not choosing but just compulsively surfing), and feeling bad, and letting things roll over me like i have no choice. The illusion that i am doing something --like going for a walk, or making my bed-- can be really helpful i find, especially on a bad day. I find that a few such things --even writing in a diary-- can turn my day around. I do have a choice, but sometimes i forget.


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## Surlysomething

*crickets*


:huh:


----------



## cinnamitch

Surlysomething said:


> *crickets*
> 
> 
> :huh:



Glad you are doing better. All we can do is get through one day at a time and do the best we can. Hugs.


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## Surlysomething

cinnamitch said:


> Glad you are doing better. All we can do is get through one day at a time and do the best we can. Hugs.




Thanks so much, lady. Hope you're doing well too!


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Sun reeeeeeally helps. I used to think I had reverse SAD because the sun depressed me, weird eh? But now the sun totally gets me pumped.
> 
> We're in the rainy, dark season here. It takes a lot to get motivated.
> 
> Coffee. Coffee.



I know quite a few people up here who have what they call "reverse SAD", including Burtimus, because they do so much better in the winter. I don't get it. I feel like a leaf unfolding in the sun, when spring finally gets here sometime in mid-May. In the meantime, it's yucksville around here. Dark, cold, snowing, and feeling as though winter is endless. This winter, despite some pretty significant and life changing emotional upheavals and school stress, has been better for me. I'm not feeling the cold as much, and have much more energy (thank you, steroids). 

The SAD lights are great, but if I don't do them first thing when I get up, I will end up having insomnia the next night. And they sometimes trigger migraines in me. But I have one. I just don't use it a lot. (I tell my patients to, though! HAH!)

Spring will get here, eventually. Right? In the meantime, blessed, blessed coffee.


----------



## Webmaster

Miss Vickie said:


> ...I feel like a leaf unfolding in the sun, when spring finally gets here sometime in mid-May...



Alaska seems sub-optimal for this condition. Maybe you should consider moving.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> I know quite a few people up here who have what they call "reverse SAD", including Burtimus, because they do so much better in the winter. I don't get it. I feel like a leaf unfolding in the sun, when spring finally gets here sometime in mid-May. In the meantime, it's yucksville around here. Dark, cold, snowing, and feeling as though winter is endless. This winter, despite some pretty significant and life changing emotional upheavals and school stress, has been better for me. I'm not feeling the cold as much, and have much more energy (thank you, steroids).
> 
> The SAD lights are great, but if I don't do them first thing when I get up, I will end up having insomnia the next night. And they sometimes trigger migraines in me. But I have one. I just don't use it a lot. (I tell my patients to, though! HAH!)
> 
> Spring will get here, eventually. Right? In the meantime, blessed, blessed coffee.



Oh yes. The COFFEE. 

I think I would be broken if I lived where you lived (sun wise). As much as people complain about Vancouver rain, we do get blasts of sun now and then. Hopefully we have a better summer than last.

Now, back to coffee....glorious brown liquid.

Have a good day, lady!


----------



## CarlaSixx

I think I have reverse SAD as well. My worst time all year is May-June. That's when the suicidal plans and everything come around. I don't know why. It just happens to be that time between summer and spring that everything goes awful.


----------



## CAMellie

So, my sister went and applied at my husband's job. She failed the drug test (she smokes weed on occasion but it had been more than a week so we thought it would be okay...apparently not) and suddenly they fired my husband.
I'm trying desperately to hold my shit together but I'm not doing a very good job of it.
We have 29 days to come up with $775. We're hoping hoping HOPING that my hubby's student loan check comes by the 1st week of April (it's scheduled to but who fucking knows). If it does we plan on paying the rent and late fees for April and the rent for May.
All this bullshit is playing HELL with my anxiety disorder and I'm swinging back and forth between raging and crying.
For those of you that pray...please pray that the hubby's student loan check comes in time to save our apartment. This has been my address for 6 years now and I do NOT deal with change very well AT ALL!

Thank you.


----------



## J34

CAMellie said:


> So, my sister went and applied at my husband's job. She failed the drug test (she smokes weed on occasion but it had been more than a week so we thought it would be okay...apparently not) and suddenly they fired my husband.



Oh my. If I am not mistaken, it takes close to a month to get it out of your system. It can be more depending on how much you use it. Though I don't smoke weed, but i've had many people reiterate this fact. I am sorry that your husband lost his job. 



Well I had a great talk with my mother on Thurs, and told her on what was the root cause of my depression. Despite our tight finances she has vouched to help me pay to see a doctor. So I am doing my due diligence looking for a reputable one, and hoping things will get better in the near future


----------



## topher38

I was doing great these last weeks.. so I went on a little trip to Mexico and Belize.. I was very happy or really sad. I have never had this issue.


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## thatgirl08

CAMellie said:


> She failed the drug test (she smokes weed on occasion but it had been more than a week so we thought it would be okay...apparently not) and suddenly they fired my husband.





J34 said:


> Oh my. If I am not mistaken, it takes close to a month to get it out of your system. It can be more depending on how much you use it. Though I don't smoke weed, but i've had many people reiterate this fact.



There's a lot of things that can affect how long it takes to leave your system.. the amount you smoke, how often you smoke, how much water you drink and also body weight. THC is stored in fat cells; the more fat cells you have, the more traces of THC you're going to have stored in your body. To be safe you usually need two weeks for a pee test and at least three months for hair test. 

That said, I'm really sorry to hear about your husband's job. That doesn't seem fair at all. Any chance he'd be able to collect unemployment maybe? I hope things start to look up for you both.


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## thatgirl08

After a horrible weekend, I feel myself sliding farther into my depression. It was my 21st birthday over the weekend which should've been happy but wasn't even remotely so. I cried Friday and Saturday night and cried off and on all day Sunday only to end in a massive panic attack Sunday night. I'm mad at my friends for not being there for me on my birthday like I wanted them to be. I'm mad at the guy I'm involved with for being a jerk all weekend. And I'm so sad I finally had to make the decision to end things with him on Sunday night. I am so fucking in love with him and it doesn't matter. After five months of agony I decided I couldn't take his .. situation .. anymore. Sitting in the car with him on Sunday I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn't stop sobbing and hyperventilating. He grabbed my hand and I looked into his eyes and I don't know what I saw. Was it guilt? Annoyance? Sympathy? I don't know but I didn't see sadness. I didn't see sadness on the face of the man I've been in love with for five months, the man I've spent hours laying in bed with just talking, the man who never ever forgot to remind me how beautiful I am, the man who made me cry because I was just so fucking happy to be sitting on the couch with him watching a movie. The man who made me realize that I am capable of loving someone wholeheartedly and unconditionally. And there he sat with no sadness in his eyes. How could he not care? I managed to get out of the car and run up to my apartment but as soon as I got in the door I hit the floor. My legs gave out and I couldn't breathe. I just keep asking.. why? Why is life so unforgiving? And what the hell did I do to deserve all of this?


----------



## Gingembre

thatgirl08 said:


> After a horrible weekend, I feel myself sliding farther into my depression. It was my 21st birthday over the weekend which should've been happy but wasn't even remotely so. I cried Friday and Saturday night and cried off and on all day Sunday only to end in a massive panic attack Sunday night. I'm mad at my friends for not being there for me on my birthday like I wanted them to be. I'm mad at the guy I'm involved with for being a jerk all weekend. And I'm so sad I finally had to make the decision to end things with him on Sunday night. I am so fucking in love with him and it doesn't matter. After five months of agony I decided I couldn't take his .. situation .. anymore. Sitting in the car with him on Sunday I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn't stop sobbing and hyperventilating. He grabbed my hand and I looked into his eyes and I don't know what I saw. Was it guilt? Annoyance? Sympathy? I don't know but I didn't see sadness. I didn't see sadness on the face of the man I've been in love with for five months, the man I've spent hours laying in bed with just talking, the man who never ever forgot to remind me how beautiful I am, the man who made me cry because I was just so fucking happy to be sitting on the couch with him watching a movie. The man who made me realize that I am capable of loving someone wholeheartedly and unconditionally. And there he sat with no sadness in his eyes. How could he not care? I managed to get out of the car and run up to my apartment but as soon as I got in the door I hit the floor. My legs gave out and I couldn't breathe. I just keep asking.. why? Why is life so unforgiving? And what the hell did I do to deserve all of this?



I understand how you feel, I know how much it bites and I know I can't write anything to make it better. Have some ((((hugs)))).

I hope you enjoy your year of being 21, even if it the day itself was a washout. Chin up chick x


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## imaginarydiva21

*ok so i personally am not depressed but one of my best friends is his been suffering for years and has taken so many OD especially the past year and also self harms 
he says he hears voices and sees people who are not there and he always thinks the world is out to get him yet nobody professional is willing to help him and there is only so much i can do at one point he was bringing my mood down as soona s he is feeling slightly better he pushes me away and dont want to know me yet when it all starts again he expects me to come running as he doesnt reallly have any other friends and his family doesnt want to know him because his gay i am a good friend and me and my family care soo much about him i do but i just dont know how i can really help him and break him out this vicious circle*

I JUST DONT KNOWWHAT TO DO​


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## Fat Brian

Honestly there isn't a lot you can do. Your friend sounds like a classic paranoid schizophrenic and without meds he cannot function normally and will continue his self destructive behavior. The best you can do for him is to continue to urge him to seek treatment.


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## imaginarydiva21

*the problem is everytime he does try and get help they dont do nothing for example he made a drs appointment i went with him because he didnt want to go on his own the dr basically said oh leats you have your friend you will be ok when he last took an overdose and ended up in An E because i was there once again they never helped him he wont go out on his own and the person who assessed him said " its ok everyone gets depressed even the queen next time you want to do something to yourself go for a walk or read a book" i think its because he dont know how to talk about how he feels and ends up nervous laughing i even pointed this out everytime to each person he has seen i mean what is the next step i can get him to take ??? 

i hope i havnt posted all this in the wrong post i just needed some advice *


----------



## Halie

http://www.rethink.org/

Check out their 'how we can help' - there's lots of info on there about advocacy and support.

From your profile I take it you're in London, a quick google search for the area throws up this organisation:



> PACE offers a free, confidential and independent service to clients who:
> live in or close to London and are
> age 16+ and who
> identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender and are
> accessing mental health services or need support to access mental health services




http://www.pacehealth.org.uk/Mental-Health-Advocacy%282340437%29.htm

Read through the website. It may well be worth your friend's while contacting them, too.


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## imaginarydiva21

will have a read up thank you xx


----------



## Sweetnlow

My mother committed suicide when i was thirteen. That pain and all that suffering that came out of that will be a part of me forever, well dormant but it will still be there. My mother's great mistake was to not seek professional help. So I tell you, see i shrink, it's worth the money. If your not happy with the first one see another one. And there are great antidepressants on the market. I'm not a doctor but i know they work for a lot of people. But whatever you do don't let the depression take a hold on you. Fight it. You deserve to be happy.


----------



## thatgirl08

Just checking in to say things have really improved for me in the last few days. I wanted to acknowledge it because sometimes its hard for me to remember that things DO cycle up & down.. for every shitty day and situation, something good happens. It's hard to remember why I hold on sometimes.. the last few days have reminded me why. I've had the chance to take a few days off work, have some serious bonding time with my mom and a few of my friends, found a new apartment and roomie, gotten all the stuff I need for my new apartment (mostly for free through the pure good will of people me or my roommate know) and officially started dating the guy I've been crying about off & on all over dims for the last few months (yes, the same one I wrote the depressing post about a week ago.. turns out I was wrong!) I'm just trying to savor this feeling of relief/happiness.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> Just checking in to say things have really improved for me in the last few days. I wanted to acknowledge it because sometimes its hard for me to remember that things DO cycle up & down.. for every shitty day and situation, something good happens. It's hard to remember why I hold on sometimes.. the last few days have reminded me why. I've had the chance to take a few days off work, have some serious bonding time with my mom and a few of my friends, found a new apartment and roomie, gotten all the stuff I need for my new apartment (mostly for free through the pure good will of people me or my roommate know) and officially started dating the guy I've been crying about off & on all over dims for the last few months (yes, the same one I wrote the depressing post about a week ago.. turns out I was wrong!) I'm just trying to savor this feeling of relief/happiness.


 

I'm REALLY happy you're having a good couple of days. You're right to acknowledge it! When you're feeling shitty again (hopefully not soon!) you can at least look back on this and be reminded that you'll come out on the other side and have good days.


----------



## thatgirl08

Surlysomething said:


> I'm REALLY happy you're having a good couple of days. You're right to acknowledge it! When you're feeling shitty again (hopefully not soon!) you can at least look back on this and be reminded that you'll come out on the other side and have good days.



Absolutely!  I hope things are looking up for everyone else too!


----------



## CAMellie

When they say depression hurts...they really fucking mean it. My hips, lower back, and knees feel like there's ground glass in them 24/7. I was in such pain last night that I vomited. I'm SO fucking tired of doctors telling me it's my weight and to go for a walk. I can barely SIT let alone STAND! I was NOT in this much pain when I was 500lbs. You'd think things would be better at 380lbs.
I just wish my doctor would listen to me ( REALLY listen) and do something about this pain.


----------



## topher38

I find myself breaking down. for no reason, and my ex calling me at work didn't help. I have no idea why I am doing this. I have a fear I talk to myself and tell myself get a hold of yourself. and I never drunk so much. I hate all hard drinks but here I am on drinking binges. I try to talk to family members and they don't understand. there are some nights I ask God to just not let me wake up. I was doing so well for about a month and a half.. so my grammar is shot,


----------



## thatgirl08

I don't know if this is really the appropriate thread to bring this up, but I feel it might be tied to my depression/anxiety as it seems to get worse when I'm depressed or anxious about something else.

I've been having these bouts of extreme self consciousness lately. I've struggled with my self esteem my entire life because as we all know, it's not easy to be fat in our society.. but lately I'll have these random moments of extreme disgust and hatred at my appearance. I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a window at work or something and just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I feel so overly conscious of the amount of space I take up and I feel like I'm spilling over into everything.. like into other peoples personal space. I just feel so BIG. Although I've always struggled with weight related self esteem problems, feeling this way is pretty out of character for me.. especially since I've weighed pretty much the same for the last year and a half and I'm actually smaller than I was 2 and 3 years ago. It's not just my size though.. I feel like I can't stop picking myself apart.. I'll look in the mirror and hate my skin, and my hair, and all these other random little things. It hasn't gotten to the point where it's crippling or anything, but it does keep making me upset.. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't know if this is really the appropriate thread to bring this up, but I feel it might be tied to my depression/anxiety as it seems to get worse when I'm depressed or anxious about something else.
> 
> I've been having these bouts of extreme self consciousness lately. I've struggled with my self esteem my entire life because as we all know, it's not easy to be fat in our society.. but lately I'll have these random moments of extreme disgust and hatred at my appearance. I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a window at work or something and just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I feel so overly conscious of the amount of space I take up and I feel like I'm spilling over into everything.. like into other peoples personal space. I just feel so BIG. Although I've always struggled with weight related self esteem problems, feeling this way is pretty out of character for me.. especially since I've weighed pretty much the same for the last year and a half and I'm actually smaller than I was 2 and 3 years ago. It's not just my size though.. I feel like I can't stop picking myself apart.. I'll look in the mirror and hate my skin, and my hair, and all these other random little things. It hasn't gotten to the point where it's crippling or anything, but it does keep making me upset.. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.




Have you thought about getting some counseling? You might have a mild case of body dysmorphic disorder or some sort of spectrum of it. I used to feel so much like you. To the point that I would delete pictures from camera or not even pose for any sort of photos. I would avoid mirrors at all costs unless it was from the shoulders up. It can be crippling.

I'm not sure when things changed for me specifically, but I got a part-time job at a plus-sized clothing store for 6 months and I started to embrace myself. And also getting older helps. You start to accept things as they are. I'm not trying to down-play your feelings because I really 'get' it. Try not to be too hard on yourself and reach out and see if you can find someone to talk to about it. You're not alone.

And for what it's worth, I think you're a beautiful young woman.


----------



## BigBrwnSugar1

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't know if this is really the appropriate thread to bring this up, but I feel it might be tied to my depression/anxiety as it seems to get worse when I'm depressed or anxious about something else.
> 
> I've been having these bouts of extreme self consciousness lately. I've struggled with my self esteem my entire life because as we all know, it's not easy to be fat in our society.. but lately I'll have these random moments of extreme disgust and hatred at my appearance. I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a window at work or something and just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I feel so overly conscious of the amount of space I take up and I feel like I'm spilling over into everything.. like into other peoples personal space. I just feel so BIG. Although I've always struggled with weight related self esteem problems, feeling this way is pretty out of character for me.. especially since I've weighed pretty much the same for the last year and a half and I'm actually smaller than I was 2 and 3 years ago. It's not just my size though.. I feel like I can't stop picking myself apart.. I'll look in the mirror and hate my skin, and my hair, and all these other random little things. It hasn't gotten to the point where it's crippling or anything, but it does keep making me upset.. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.




Try and be gentle with yourself. Would you express these same thoughts and say them about someone else? No? Then please don't say them to yourself.
You Are Fabulous!!!! :bow:


----------



## thatgirl08

Surlysomething said:


> Have you thought about getting some counseling? You might have a mild case of body dysmorphic disorder or some sort of spectrum of it. I used to feel so much like you. To the point that I would delete pictures from camera or not even pose for any sort of photos. I would avoid mirrors at all costs unless it was from the shoulders up. It can be crippling.
> 
> I'm not sure when things changed for me specifically, but I got a part-time job at a plus-sized clothing store for 6 months and I started to embrace myself. And also getting older helps. You start to accept things as they are. I'm not trying to down-play your feelings because I really 'get' it. Try not to be too hard on yourself and reach out and see if you can find someone to talk to about it. You're not alone.
> 
> And for what it's worth, I think you're a beautiful young woman.





BigBrwnSugar1 said:


> Try and be gentle with yourself. Would you express these same thoughts and say them about someone else? No? Then please don't say them to yourself.
> You Are Fabulous!!!! :bow:



Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I am feeling a bit better today. I have noticed that I feel less self conscious when I am doing things that make me feel healthier and happier - getting more sleep, eating healthier, focusing on being productive and organized, etc. I have been trying to do those things for the last two weeks or so and it's starting to pay off. This is just a high stress time for me as I am in full gear trying to get a promotion at my job, trying to move to a new apartment, and my new semester just started at school. Things should calm down here in a few weeks or so which will be nice. Thank you both for being so kind.. it's just nice to know I'm not alone.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I am feeling a bit better today. I have noticed that I feel less self conscious when I am doing things that make me feel healthier and happier - getting more sleep, eating healthier, focusing on being productive and organized, etc. I have been trying to do those things for the last two weeks or so and it's starting to pay off. This is just a high stress time for me as I am in full gear trying to get a promotion at my job, trying to move to a new apartment, and my new semester just started at school. Things should calm down here in a few weeks or so which will be nice. Thank you both for being so kind.. it's just nice to know I'm not alone.





I'm glad things are starting to pay off. Find your moments of calm and enjoy them


----------



## Surlysomething

Lately i've been having more panicky issues.

I'm not sure how to handle them other than getting in my car and driving to the beach to mellow out.


----------



## CastingPearls

Surlysomething said:


> Lately i've been having more panicky issues.
> 
> I'm not sure how to handle them other than getting in my car and driving to the beach to mellow out.


Do that. I go straight to a lake and sit by the water. It's nourishment for the soul. 

Hugs, sweetie, big hugs.


----------



## Surlysomething

CastingPearls said:


> Do that. I go straight to a lake and sit by the water. It's nourishment for the soul.
> 
> Hugs, sweetie, big hugs.



I didn't go to the beach tonight, but I did do a little drive around the neighborhood to enjoy the clear night sky. I listened to Tonic on CBC (some cool jazz) and mellowed the fuck out. Haha.

I do feel a bit better.

Thanks, L. :wubu:


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Lately i've been having more panicky issues.
> 
> I'm not sure how to handle them other than getting in my car and driving to the beach to mellow out.



Oh no, sorry.  I've been going through the same thing. Panicky anxiety that almost paralyzes me. I think driving around to gain some perspective and feel like you're doing something, moving somewhere, is a good thing. Plus I find I do my best thinking while driving around.

I hope you feel better....Hang in there.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Oh no, sorry.  I've been going through the same thing. Panicky anxiety that almost paralyzes me. I think driving around to gain some perspective and feel like you're doing something, moving somewhere, is a good thing. Plus I find I do my best thinking while driving around.
> 
> I hope you feel better....Hang in there.



Still feeling panicky.  Forced myself out that and did a couple errands. I can't get so low that things don't get done. I guess being a high-functioning nut case has it's benefits.

I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. I honestly think I need a few weeks off to get my shit together.

But. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel. I'm really over that.
I don't want to up my medication. I don't want 'counseling'. There's honestly nothing left to say.

I just want some peace.


----------



## CrankySpice

Surlysomething said:


> Still feeling panicky.  Forced myself out that and did a couple errands. I can't get so low that things don't get done. I guess being a high-functioning nut case has it's benefits.
> 
> I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. I honestly think I need a few weeks off to get my shit together.
> 
> But. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel. I'm really over that.
> I don't want to up my medication. I don't want 'counseling'. There's honestly nothing left to say.
> 
> I just want some peace.



I know it is hard when you are in a down swing, but a change or increase for your current meds may really be what you need to find that peace. Remember this is a disease, a disease that affects your emotions, thoughts, abilities....it is so easy to internalize those things and feel like you should be able to snap out of if only XYZ. But treatment really is your best option. Like I said, I know it is hard, I KNOW IT. When I'm in a bad space, I can't leave the house for anything, I put off my therapy appts, I just crawl into a hole and let myself suffer. Often times it is only the gentle reminders from a friend that I need to treat what is happening, not just let it happen, that gets me crawling to therapy and/or a visit with my med management doc to get my meds straightened out.

I hope you do find peace.


----------



## Surlysomething

CrankySpice said:


> I know it is hard when you are in a down swing, but a change or increase for your current meds may really be what you need to find that peace. Remember this is a disease, a disease that affects your emotions, thoughts, abilities....it is so easy to internalize those things and feel like you should be able to snap out of if only XYZ. But treatment really is your best option. Like I said, I know it is hard, I KNOW IT. When I'm in a bad space, I can't leave the house for anything, I put off my therapy appts, I just crawl into a hole and let myself suffer. Often times it is only the gentle reminders from a friend that I need to treat what is happening, not just let it happen, that gets me crawling to therapy and/or a visit with my med management doc to get my meds straightened out.
> 
> I hope you do find peace.


 
I know you're right. I just really wish it was easier.

Thanks for your kind words.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Still feeling panicky.  Forced myself out that and did a couple errands. I can't get so low that things don't get done. I guess being a high-functioning nut case has it's benefits.
> 
> I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. I honestly think I need a few weeks off to get my shit together.
> 
> But. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel. I'm really over that.
> I don't want to up my medication. I don't want 'counseling'. There's honestly nothing left to say.
> 
> I just want some peace.



I'm impressed that you can get out of the house when you feel like that. Many people get paralyzed and can't even leave the house, so that's good, that you get out and do errands. And yes, being a high-functioning nut (raises hand) has its advantages; except that in my case, my therapist has completely underestimated just how bad off I've been, because I've continued with work, school, and life despite what's going on with me. What she doesn't know is that the day I stop functioning is the day it's too late.

I totally understand that you don't want to talk to anyone or adjust your meds, but if this doesn't resolve, it may be the only way for you to improve. It may just work itself out, but if it doesn't, you're not doing yourself any favors by avoiding treatment. There are some nice anti anxiety meds that can augment any meds you're on now, so that's something to keep in mind.

Hang in there. I wish it were easier, but unfortunately for us it's not.  But hey, at least we have each other, right?


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Hang in there. I wish it were easier, but unfortunately for us it's not.  But hey, at least we have each other, right?


 

I think this thread is saving my life right now.
I need to let it out.

*big hug* Thank you for always writing me back with good advice.

Hope you're having a good day!


----------



## paperman921

thatgirl08 said:


> Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I am feeling a bit better today. I have noticed that I feel less self conscious when I am doing things that make me feel healthier and happier - getting more sleep, eating healthier, focusing on being productive and organized, etc. I have been trying to do those things for the last two weeks or so and it's starting to pay off. This is just a high stress time for me as I am in full gear trying to get a promotion at my job, trying to move to a new apartment, and my new semester just started at school. Things should calm down here in a few weeks or so which will be nice. Thank you both for being so kind.. it's just nice to know I'm not alone.



I can really relate to this. It usually takes until I hit rock bottom for me to perk up and be productive/ organized again and start building better habits. Honestly, it is the hardest for me to do right by myself when things are going good, because they don't a lot. But, I'm trying to end this self-defeating cycle. Things like excercise, eating right, getting enough sleep, and being productive are worth it for me in the long run. Sometimes I don't always see that though.


----------



## Jeeshcristina

Surlysomething said:


> Still feeling panicky.  Forced myself out that and did a couple errands. I can't get so low that things don't get done. I guess being a high-functioning nut case has it's benefits.
> 
> I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. I honestly think I need a few weeks off to get my shit together.
> 
> But. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel. I'm really over that.
> I don't want to up my medication. I don't want 'counseling'. There's honestly nothing left to say.
> 
> I just want some peace.



 This makes me want to give you a big huge cuddly hug. I really hope that tomorrow is better. I know it can be draining sometimes, but your idea about going to the beach and just relaxing is pretty awesome. You should take a few days off from work, and spend some you time enjoying the most basic of things.
I'm thinkin' about you, you're so strong.


----------



## thatgirl08

Miss Vickie said:


> And yes, being a high-functioning nut (raises hand) has its advantages; except that in my case, my therapist has completely underestimated just how bad off I've been, because I've continued with work, school, and life despite what's going on with me. What she doesn't know is that the day I stop functioning is the day it's too late.



My therapists have always underestimated my struggle as well for this same reason. When I first started having panic attacks and anxiety issues I missed weeks of school, stopped seeing my friends and family and had trouble leaving the house even for simple things.. doctors appointments, trips to the grocery store, etc. Now, five years later, I have much more control over my anxiety. I still struggle with it on a daily basis and I've pretty much consigned myself to the fact that anxiety management will always be a part of my life. I now have a job, a boyfriend, a circle of friends and family, my own place, and the ability to completely take care of myself. To those on the outside, it's like day and night so they see me as being "cured." In reality, I've learned ways of coping and managing my anxiety that make my struggle less apparent to others. Even those who are close to me don't realize the extent of my anxiety .. I shy away from telling people about it too extensively because I've had relationships suffer from it in the past. For the most part, I do what I need to do to keep my life moving forward. I have seen several therapists in the last two or three years because although I've found a way to "deal" on a day-to-day basis, I'd really like to get to the next level of truly enjoying and embracing life in the way I used to be able to. There are things I haven't done, at least without a significant struggle, in years. There are things I'd like to try but am too afraid to do. And of course it'd be nice to get through a work day without feeling completely physically and emotionally drained from it. But.. I haven't found a therapist yet who will take me seriously. Every therapist I have seen tells me I'm doing great given my past circumstances. Most of them tell me that I no longer even qualify for an anxiety disorder and that I need to work on "stress management skills" like deep breathing and meditation. I'm not discounting those things by any means but I do feel my situation is severe enough to warrant something more comprehensive. I've kind of put trying to find a therapist on the back burner because it's been so unsuccessful and stressful in it's own right.



Surlysomething said:


> I think this thread is saving my life right now.
> I need to let it out.
> 
> *big hug* Thank you for always writing me back with good advice.
> 
> Hope you're having a good day!



I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now.  I really hope you can find some peace in the next few days. 



For the most part things are still looking up for me.. after 6 months of applying to other departments where I work, I finally got a promotion! I'm thrilled about it as my hard work has finally paid off. I'll be making 2 dollars more an hour and will have my own cubicle. It'll be a big difference for me as this is my first real office job.. I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to the mail room for good! I am getting really stressed out though because I will be moving into my new apartment (officially signed the lease with my new roomie on Saturday!) and starting my new job the same week. I also just found out that my mom and I will have to put my cat to sleep this week which of course I'm incredibly sad about. I've had her since I was 7  It's just so much.. especially since D and I just started officially dating a few weeks ago (after 6 months of unofficially seeing each other) and school just started up again last week.. I just feel like wow, it's all happening at once.. mostly good stuff which is nice, but still so much change for me to cope with at once. My mom is being really supportive this time around and D is being great too.. thank god for them or I probably would've lost it by now! I'm just hoping I can keep it all together and get everything done that I need to in the next few weeks/month.


----------



## CarlaSixx

Considering how shitty I've been feeling, and the fact that my talk-therapist is worried that I need to get on meds or I'm going to end up in the psych ward, or dead... I think I'm headed for an upswing.

Yes, I'm going to be sad for awhile. My grandfather recently died, so I've been grieving. I know that's normal so I'm not worried about that. I can tell the difference between sadness and depression, and my sadness is from the grief. The depression... I don't know.

But I've been forcing myself to get out and get stuff done. Really push for some help, and I got it. Considering I had to use the food bank services in my area... this was pretty big. I was always ashamed to go. But having gone and been through it, I don't see any shameful part to it at all. It's saving me right now, and going to keep saving me, so it's actually given me hope. In fact, when I left to bring my food home, I cried on the bus. Happy tears. Thankful tears. My friend even got teary for me cuz she knows just how bad it's been.

I couldn't be more proud of myself today. I asked questions, got help, and got on my feet. I'm now able to use the soup kitchen free of charge every single day if I need to, and get to use the food bank services as well. Not only that, but they'll also give me a monthly clothing allowance as well if I need it. 

I think that's helped a lot today, because it took a lot of strain off my back. It means I'm finally getting the help I need to survive. Next comes the coping. And once I see a true difference, coping should be just fine.


----------



## Surlysomething

Jeeshcristina said:


> This makes me want to give you a big huge cuddly hug. I really hope that tomorrow is better. I know it can be draining sometimes, but your idea about going to the beach and just relaxing is pretty awesome. You should take a few days off from work, and spend some you time enjoying the most basic of things.
> I'm thinkin' about you, you're so strong.




Thanks so much, you're super-sweet.

The beach soothes my soul. If I can't make it there, I have lots of pictures i've taken and I pull them out. Haha. It's always the small things.

-big hug-


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now.  I really hope you can find some peace in the next few days.



Thanks, girlie.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> For the most part things are still looking up for me.. after 6 months of applying to other departments where I work, I finally got a promotion! I'm thrilled about it as my hard work has finally paid off. I'll be making 2 dollars more an hour and will have my own cubicle. It'll be a big difference for me as this is my first real office job.. I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to the mail room for good! I am getting really stressed out though because I will be moving into my new apartment (officially signed the lease with my new roomie on Saturday!) and starting my new job the same week. I also just found out that my mom and I will have to put my cat to sleep this week which of course I'm incredibly sad about. I've had her since I was 7  It's just so much.. especially since D and I just started officially dating a few weeks ago (after 6 months of unofficially seeing each other) and school just started up again last week.. I just feel like wow, it's all happening at once.. mostly good stuff which is nice, but still so much change for me to cope with at once. My mom is being really supportive this time around and D is being great too.. thank god for them or I probably would've lost it by now! I'm just hoping I can keep it all together and get everything done that I need to in the next few weeks/month.




Keep breathing and don't forget to take some time for yourself. Even if it's only a coffee or a bath. You'll make it through. New apartments and promotions are GOOD THINGS!!

Congrats!!


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I think this thread is saving my life right now.
> I need to let it out.
> 
> *big hug* Thank you for always writing me back with good advice.
> 
> Hope you're having a good day!



You and me both, sister. Being able to let it out really helps; it helps with the loneliness and the natural tendency to isolate. My anxiety has settled down a bit, which is good, and I'm able to focus on school. Just two more weeks of clinicals, then paperwork, then I'm done except for my thesis, which will take months.

Yesterday I spent an hour with a patient who has a newly diagnosed chronic illness. He's been dealing with its progression for two years and just really needed someone to talk to who understood how devastating it is, how it affects every aspect of your life, changes how you perceive yourself and the grief we experience for the health and life we had before. I think unless you're someone who has gone through that diagnosis and subsequent changes in your ability to function, you just don't get it. He knew I "got it" so he was able to find some comfort and reassurance in my experiences, and be able to share his feeling in a supportive environment. He says most of the time he feels like a hypochondriac or whiner which, given what the guy has going on is just crazy.

Things like that make me feel that there is some benefit to what I've gone through, and that my experiences can really help people. I did some minor medical type things -- adjusted his medications, gave him advice for oral care and some nutritional suggestions, recommended some supplements and testing -- but most of the visit was me listening to him and letting him vent.

That was the best part of my day. My preceptor thanked me because dealing with him is so draining. But for some reason, it wasn't for me, and I think I gained as much from the visit as he did!

Anyway, that was my day. I saw a few patients with the usual viral upper respiratory infections asking for antibiotics, and then this guy, who totally made my day.

Hope your day was a good one and that you're finding ways to manage your anxiety. And for heaven's sake, if you can get some time off, take it!


----------



## HottiMegan

I should be on top of the world. I am excited a lot during the day. But i still find myself sobbing my butt off while driving to pick the boys up from school or just crying when i have a quiet moment. I am changing my diet to help with my moods once the cost of the move is away. I found that my whole foods vegan diet made me so happy and at peace. I'm going to go back to that. 
I feel so overwhelmed and am wading through mud just to keep moving forward. I am hoping that the stress of the house buying and move will go away once we're moved in.


----------



## Saoirse

I should feel good. But I dont. I flew home from NC yesterday and I was praying that the plane would crash and that magically, there would only be one fatality.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> You and me both, sister. Being able to let it out really helps; it helps with the loneliness and the natural tendency to isolate. My anxiety has settled down a bit, which is good, and I'm able to focus on school. Just two more weeks of clinicals, then paperwork, then I'm done except for my thesis, which will take months.
> 
> Yesterday I spent an hour with a patient who has a newly diagnosed chronic illness. He's been dealing with its progression for two years and just really needed someone to talk to who understood how devastating it is, how it affects every aspect of your life, changes how you perceive yourself and the grief we experience for the health and life we had before. I think unless you're someone who has gone through that diagnosis and subsequent changes in your ability to function, you just don't get it. He knew I "got it" so he was able to find some comfort and reassurance in my experiences, and be able to share his feeling in a supportive environment. He says most of the time he feels like a hypochondriac or whiner which, given what the guy has going on is just crazy.
> 
> Things like that make me feel that there is some benefit to what I've gone through, and that my experiences can really help people. I did some minor medical type things -- adjusted his medications, gave him advice for oral care and some nutritional suggestions, recommended some supplements and testing -- but most of the visit was me listening to him and letting him vent.
> 
> That was the best part of my day. My preceptor thanked me because dealing with him is so draining. But for some reason, it wasn't for me, and I think I gained as much from the visit as he did!
> 
> Anyway, that was my day. I saw a few patients with the usual viral upper respiratory infections asking for antibiotics, and then this guy, who totally made my day.
> 
> Hope your day was a good one and that you're finding ways to manage your anxiety. And for heaven's sake, if you can get some time off, take it!




I'm glad you find so much satisfaction with your work. I can only imagine how good it feels to help someone with health issues when you've experienced problems getting the help you need personally.


----------



## thatgirl08

I don't know if it's just the circumstances in my life right now or if I'm just plain crazy but I have been bouncing back and forth from ridiculously happy to devastatingly depressed to flying off the handle in anger for the last 3 weeks or so. Earlier today, I wrote out a very long, very angry post for this thread (decided at the last minute to delete it.. just feels good to write it all out sometimes!) and just now I collapsed on my bed with tears of joy. I guess it's probably just because I have so much going on.. work has been busy, not to mention today was my last day there so I've been training people and writing instructions on how to do my job and transferring all my documents and such over to other people for the last two weeks which has been crazy all in itself, plus just being plain old sad about leaving some people I really care about, I'm also incredibly nervous about starting my new job on Monday which is at the same company, just a promotion.. I'm thrilled about the opportunity but still anxious nonetheless. I'm also moving this weekend and have spent the last few weeks trying to get my stuff as packed and together as possible yet here it is Friday night and although I am mostly done there is still so much "last minute" stuff to do. As usual, things have also been rocky with my boyfriend.. insanely happy one second and ridiculously soul crushing the next. Things got even worse tonight with my boyfriend and his best friend/roommate, who is my best friend/soon-to-be roommates boyfriend, got in a huge fight today and dragged both of us in it.. my boyfriend absolutely hates my best friend/his best friends girlfriend which is a constant source of drama and stress. If you ever thought to yourself that it'd be fun for you and your best friend to date a pair of best friends.. think again. It's just too much closeness. Even better is that the boys live together and her & I are moving in together tomorrow and our apartment will be about 3 minutes from their house.. what originally seemed perfect now seems horrendously invasive and dramatic. I've also been dealing with my cat's illness for the last few months which finally reached a breaking point yesterday, and we had to put her to sleep last night.. I know it was the right thing to do but I'm still very sad about it of course. Not to mention the mountain of homework I have building and nagging on my mind. Oh and to top it all off, I have my period and feel completely drained emotionally and physically.. thanks to PCOS I'm bleeding so much I'm weak and light headed. 

In conclusion, the last month of my life has been one hell of a roller coaster and frankly, I'm ready to get off.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't know if it's just the circumstances in my life right now or if I'm just plain crazy but I have been bouncing back and forth from ridiculously happy to devastatingly depressed to flying off the handle in anger for the last 3 weeks or so. Earlier today, I wrote out a very long, very angry post for this thread (decided at the last minute to delete it.. just feels good to write it all out sometimes!) and just now I collapsed on my bed with tears of joy. I guess it's probably just because I have so much going on.. work has been busy, not to mention today was my last day there so I've been training people and writing instructions on how to do my job and transferring all my documents and such over to other people for the last two weeks which has been crazy all in itself, plus just being plain old sad about leaving some people I really care about, I'm also incredibly nervous about starting my new job on Monday which is at the same company, just a promotion.. I'm thrilled about the opportunity but still anxious nonetheless. I'm also moving this weekend and have spent the last few weeks trying to get my stuff as packed and together as possible yet here it is Friday night and although I am mostly done there is still so much "last minute" stuff to do. As usual, things have also been rocky with my boyfriend.. insanely happy one second and ridiculously soul crushing the next. Things got even worse tonight with my boyfriend and his best friend/roommate, who is my best friend/soon-to-be roommates boyfriend, got in a huge fight today and dragged both of us in it.. my boyfriend absolutely hates my best friend/his best friends girlfriend which is a constant source of drama and stress. If you ever thought to yourself that it'd be fun for you and your best friend to date a pair of best friends.. think again. It's just too much closeness. Even better is that the boys live together and her & I are moving in together tomorrow and our apartment will be about 3 minutes from their house.. what originally seemed perfect now seems horrendously invasive and dramatic. I've also been dealing with my cat's illness for the last few months which finally reached a breaking point yesterday, and we had to put her to sleep last night.. I know it was the right thing to do but I'm still very sad about it of course. Not to mention the mountain of homework I have building and nagging on my mind. Oh and to top it all off, I have my period and feel completely drained emotionally and physically.. thanks to PCOS I'm bleeding so much I'm weak and light headed.
> 
> In conclusion, the last month of my life has been one hell of a roller coaster and frankly, I'm ready to get off.


 

It sounds like you need some quiet in your life. Too much chaos makes depression rage. Can you take some time for yourself everyday and just breathe?


----------



## Marlayna

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't know if it's just the circumstances in my life right now or if I'm just plain crazy but I have been bouncing back and forth from ridiculously happy to devastatingly depressed to flying off the handle in anger for the last 3 weeks or so. Earlier today, I wrote out a very long, very angry post for this thread (decided at the last minute to delete it.. just feels good to write it all out sometimes!) and just now I collapsed on my bed with tears of joy. I guess it's probably just because I have so much going on.. work has been busy, not to mention today was my last day there so I've been training people and writing instructions on how to do my job and transferring all my documents and such over to other people for the last two weeks which has been crazy all in itself, plus just being plain old sad about leaving some people I really care about, I'm also incredibly nervous about starting my new job on Monday which is at the same company, just a promotion.. I'm thrilled about the opportunity but still anxious nonetheless. I'm also moving this weekend and have spent the last few weeks trying to get my stuff as packed and together as possible yet here it is Friday night and although I am mostly done there is still so much "last minute" stuff to do. As usual, things have also been rocky with my boyfriend.. insanely happy one second and ridiculously soul crushing the next. Things got even worse tonight with my boyfriend and his best friend/roommate, who is my best friend/soon-to-be roommates boyfriend, got in a huge fight today and dragged both of us in it.. my boyfriend absolutely hates my best friend/his best friends girlfriend which is a constant source of drama and stress. If you ever thought to yourself that it'd be fun for you and your best friend to date a pair of best friends.. think again. It's just too much closeness. Even better is that the boys live together and her & I are moving in together tomorrow and our apartment will be about 3 minutes from their house.. what originally seemed perfect now seems horrendously invasive and dramatic. I've also been dealing with my cat's illness for the last few months which finally reached a breaking point yesterday, and we had to put her to sleep last night.. I know it was the right thing to do but I'm still very sad about it of course. Not to mention the mountain of homework I have building and nagging on my mind. Oh and to top it all off, I have my period and feel completely drained emotionally and physically.. thanks to PCOS I'm bleeding so much I'm weak and light headed.
> 
> In conclusion, the last month of my life has been one hell of a roller coaster and frankly, I'm ready to get off.


You've got a lot on your plate, so sorry about your cat.


----------



## thatgirl08

Surlysomething said:


> It sounds like you need some quiet in your life. Too much chaos makes depression rage. Can you take some time for yourself everyday and just breathe?





Marlayna said:


> You've got a lot on your plate, so sorry about your cat.



Thank you both for your thoughts  The good news is that I got through moving & my first day just fine! & I got completely caught up on my homework yesterday and ran a bunch of errands. We're completely settled in at the apartment and I've got a way better idea of how my training and such is going to be at work and luckily for me, the department is really laid back so it doesn't seem like my anxiety is going to be as big of a problem as I feared. I'm still a little tired out from my period and my boyfriend (we had yet another fight last night) but I'm starting to feel a lot less stressed. I think I'll start to feel even better once I've gotten more settled at work too. I hope everyone else is doing okay!


----------



## Miss Vickie

thatgirl08 said:


> Thank you both for your thoughts  The good news is that I got through moving & my first day just fine! & I got completely caught up on my homework yesterday and ran a bunch of errands. We're completely settled in at the apartment and I've got a way better idea of how my training and such is going to be at work and luckily for me, the department is really laid back so it doesn't seem like my anxiety is going to be as big of a problem as I feared. I'm still a little tired out from my period and my boyfriend (we had yet another fight last night) but I'm starting to feel a lot less stressed. I think I'll start to feel even better once I've gotten more settled at work too. I hope everyone else is doing okay!



Oh man, your life sounds as chaotic as mine. No wonder you're feeling so awful. I'm glad you made it through okay and that you're feeling more hopeful about things. It's amazing how our anxiety can just build on itself and make even little things seem huge.  

Are you able to see someone about your bleeding? Or at least take an iron supplement to replace what you're losing through bleeding? There is nothing like anemia to make you feel like warmed over crap, but a good iron supplement taken with orange juice can make a big difference while you sort out treatment.

Hang in there.


----------



## thatgirl08

Miss Vickie said:


> Oh man, your life sounds as chaotic as mine. No wonder you're feeling so awful. I'm glad you made it through okay and that you're feeling more hopeful about things. It's amazing how our anxiety can just build on itself and make even little things seem huge.
> 
> Are you able to see someone about your bleeding? Or at least take an iron supplement to replace what you're losing through bleeding? There is nothing like anemia to make you feel like warmed over crap, but a good iron supplement taken with orange juice can make a big difference while you sort out treatment.
> 
> Hang in there.



I did see someone about it because at one point my bleeding was like 3 times as bad as it is now. I take a multivitamin which has my entire days worth of iron but I can tell I'm still anemic.It naturally has gotten better.. I lost about 40 pounds and I wonder if maybe that helped to regulate it because the timing of both coincided. My doctor wanted me to be on birth control, but I just haven't done it because I'm excessively TERRIFIED about the side effects... I know it's silly but I'm so worried I'm going to have a heart attack or get a blood clot.. I just keep thinking about how I don't exercise enough, and I'm fat, and I honestly just don't eat that well either and I get panic attacks where my blood pressure and heart rate shoot up ridiculously high, and when my doctor first tried to put me on it I smoked cigarettes too.. I just felt like I was asking for it.. too many risk factors, you know? This is part of my anxiety too.. I literally cannot take ANY medicine without freaking out about it. I had to take off an entire week of work last year just so I could get through five days of antibiotics because the anxiety of potential side effects like overwhelmed me. I did take one single day of birth control like 6 months ago and my anxiety for the next three days was unbearably high.. I couldn't even function. I can't even take antidepressants for the same reason.. I tried to take Paxil for a single day and the same thing happened even though I used to take Paxil for TWO YEARS and was absolutely fine.. but I was positive something was going to go wrong this time. It's just another unfortunate manifestation of my anxiety that I'm hoping to get under control in the near future. I've decided enough is enough with my period though.. I can't take this anymore.. It just stresses me out.. I'm worried about fainting (my all time favorite irrational thing to stress over) and I'm constantly worried I'm going to leak through my pants (because it happens all the time.) So I'm really going to put some serious effort into getting into a routine of exercising and eating better so I can feel more comfortable being on birth control. It's the only way I see out of this vicious cycle. I know we're not supposed to talk about weight loss on here but I think losing a small amount of weight again would help me feel better about the situation and potentially regulate my hormones further. 

I'm happy to report that things are slowing down a bit. I'm feeling way more comfortable at my new job and things have pretty much settled down at the new apartment. My boyfriend on the other hand hasn't talked to me in three days because he likes to act like a five year old when he gets mad.. I changed my relationship status to single on Facebook a few hours ago and next time he decides to talk to me I'll let him know that it's over as well. I've just decided enough is enough.. I'm not going to tolerate someone treating me bad all the time. I'm not perfect by any means but I consider myself an okay catch and I deserve to be treated with a little respect. I'm in love with him, so it's hard, but at some point I just have to draw the line. I have mixed feelings about it, naturally, but I think it'll be good for me in the end.

I'm just trying to get through this stressful time the best I can.. keep my head above water. I made an appointment through my EAP to see a counselor in a few weeks as well.

Thanks MV 

How is everyone else doing? MV? Surly?


----------



## CarlaSixx

With the summer season coming in, my depression is really starting to kick in.

But it's not like it normally is. Instead of being sulky and staying indoors brooding all week, I'm still going out and about. I'm still laughing and smiling despite how I really feel. But... when something irks me, I get snappy right away.

Like how I snapped at a poor old lady on the bus cuz she was chewing her gum worse than a cow.
Or the young bus driver who brings his penis to work.
Or my own mother. 
Etc.

I just snap so quickly when someone or something gets on my nerves. I have no shame in being nasty about it, either. It's not how I usually am.

I'm sick of dreading the summer season, but I can't help it, either.


----------



## thatgirl08

CarlaSixx said:


> With the summer season coming in, my depression is really starting to kick in.
> 
> But it's not like it normally is. Instead of being sulky and staying indoors brooding all week, I'm still going out and about. I'm still laughing and smiling despite how I really feel. But... when something irks me, I get snappy right away.
> 
> Like how I snapped at a poor old lady on the bus cuz she was chewing her gum worse than a cow.
> Or the young bus driver who brings his penis to work.
> Or my own mother.
> Etc.
> 
> I just snap so quickly when someone or something gets on my nerves. I have no shame in being nasty about it, either. It's not how I usually am.
> 
> I'm sick of dreading the summer season, but I can't help it, either.



I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling the best Carla  What is it about summer that makes your depression worse? I've always heard the opposite.. that people get more depressed in Winter because of the dark weather and such.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I'm actually not too sure what makes it worse in the summer. It's always been like that, though. I struggle to find something to be excited about in the summer, but come Fall, I've done a 180.

This summer might be really hard. There's lots of music festivals every summer and I usually at least visit one, but doesn't look like I'll get to go to any this time.


----------



## Saoirse

Almost 2 years ago, I went into my friend's bathroom and slashed up my wrists. One of his roommates came in, cleaned and bandaged me up and then sat with me for an hour and talked. He said A LOT of comforting things, and he really made me think about my life and what I was doing. We've never been super close, and we hardly ever run into each other, but I will always remember that morning and everything he said to me.

Last night I found out that he ODed on percs and it was intentional. He's alive, in the hospital and Im giving a mutual friend a ride up there to see him. Its tearing me apart. I mean, we're barely friends... but he helped me so much in my time of need. I dont want to make him uncomfortable, so I wont go into the room to see him, but I want him to know that Im around if he needs me. He's such a sweet guy with a ton of potential... I hope he sees that soon.


----------



## Scorsese86

Depression, anxiety _and_ a broken heart.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was the star of a Lifetime movie*.

*) thankfully, my weird sense of humor is still working.


----------



## AuntHen

Saoirse said:


> Almost 2 years ago, I went into my friend's bathroom and slashed up my wrists. One of his roommates came in, cleaned and bandaged me up and then sat with me for an hour and talked. He said A LOT of comforting things, and he really made me think about my life and what I was doing. We've never been super close, and we hardly ever run into each other, but I will always remember that morning and everything he said to me.
> 
> Last night I found out that he ODed on percs and it was intentional. He's alive, in the hospital and Im giving a mutual friend a ride up there to see him. Its tearing me apart. I mean, we're barely friends... but he helped me so much in my time of need. I dont want to make him uncomfortable, so I wont go into the room to see him, but I want him to know that Im around if he needs me. He's such a sweet guy with a ton of potential... I hope he sees that soon.



It is none of my business but sometimes the most *unlikely *person can make the biggest difference. I think you SHOULD go talk to him just like he did with you. He may look back on it one day as something that truly helped him in a time of need, just like you are now.



Scorsese86 said:


> Depression, anxiety _and_ a broken heart.
> 
> If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was the star of a Lifetime movie*.
> 
> *) thankfully, my weird sense of humor is still working.



Ivan, I said a prayer for you. I hope you are feeling much better soon! Hugs!


----------



## Saoirse

fat9276 said:


> It is none of my business but sometimes the most *unlikely *person can make the biggest difference. I think you SHOULD go talk to him just like he did with you. He may look back on it one day as something that truly helped him in a time of need, just like you are now.



Well I did it! It took us a while to find out where he was, but we tracked him down to one of the psych floors. He was sitting in the hallway with another friend that was visiting. OMG just to see the big smile on his face when he saw us through the door... I almost cried! He gave me a huge bear hug and flashed that amazing smile again. I've always loved his smile! We chatted for a bit, nothing serious. We haven't seen each other in a while and he was all compliments :wubu: I reminded him that he lives right down the road from me. He said he'd call me this week and we can hang out. I really hope he does. It would be good to catch up.

This is the 2nd friend of mine to OD in the past month. They are both alive and Im so grateful for it. I cant even imagine losing one of them, they all mean so much to me!


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## Surlysomething

Scorsese86 said:


> Depression, anxiety _and_ a broken heart.
> 
> If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was the star of a Lifetime movie*.
> 
> *) thankfully, my weird sense of humor is still working.


 

*big hugs*


----------



## moonvine

My depression has been kicking in lately. I have been wanting children for a long long time and now there is no way I'll ever have them because i don't have a uterus. I am 45 and it was a longshot for me to ever have them anyway. Had sex the other night for the first time since the surgery and I was sad. I know there are all kinds of people who can't have children for all kinds of reasons, but it still upsets me. My friend was trying to cheer me up and saying fertility might still be possible because I have an ovary, but I don't have the money to harvest any viable eggs and pay someone to be a surrogate. And Ill never carry a baby, never give birth, never feed a baby the way nature intended. 

When I was in the hospital, right after my surgery (the day after) the psych team came into my room and started questioning me. They told me that my parents felt that due to my bipolar diagnosis I was not making good decisions about my care after surgery. They tried to do a full psychiatric intake while I was on a MORPHINE PUMP and most of what I told them was "I can't form a coherent answer to that question because I am on too many drugs." 

I asked my father what the heck they were talking about and he said that after his prostate surgery my mom had to take care of him for 6 weeks. Well, I told him I had specifically asked the doctor what help I would and would not require. The doctor told me that I could not lift over 5 lbs for a month, could not drive for 2 weeks, could not have sex for 2 weeks, and would not need assistance dressing or bathing. I told my father that I had specifically discussed my needs with my partner and he felt he could handle it on his own, and if not, my best friend who is a CNA offered to drive from Austin and help take care of me. That is a huge deal because it would require her driving through Houston and she has a prosthetic eye and she just does not drive in strange cities period, let alone one of the largest in the US. I was just furious that my parents had made this assumption and rather than discuss it with me just unilaterally decide that I had made a bad decision and call the PSYCH TEAM in. I mean, can they even do that? I'm 45 years old!

They also didn't offer any solutions or alternate suggestions - like why don't we take you back to VA and take care of you and bring you back when you're healed? Just "your choices suck." 

They do not like my partner. We had a toxic relationship when we were in our 20s and were apart for SEVENTEEN years. We treated each other badly in different ways. I think he cares about me as much as he can. When I went to surgery I told him I wanted him to be the first thing I saw when I woke up. So he came to the hospital at 7 am after getting off his third shift job and waited through my 5 hour surgery, then came to see me in recovery (I did feel bad I called for him before I called for my parents, but...) then waited in the hallway outside my room until I woke up (I didn't find that out until later, someone else told me). My cold, black heart melted a little:smitten: He was also pissed at me for risking my life not getting checked out and allowing a tumor to grow that big, and guess what, he was RIGHT..in my opinion...

I will not say things are perfect between us, we are both very broken in different ways. But I do think my parents acted wildly inappropriately. And when I was crying and crying after my surgery because I don't feel I can adopt a child, he offered to go find one for us to adopt. 

Anyway enough ranting..thanks for the space to vent.


----------



## CAMellie

These overwhelming feelings of abject loneliness are triggering my need to cut. I have told the 2 important people in my life how I feel but they're using my anxiety disorder as an excuse to not ask me to go places with them. The last time I checked...*I* was in a better position to know how much public exposure I can handle!
My heart hurts, my head hurts, and the urge to cut is growing fast.


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## CAMellie

I'm feeling severely overwhelmed by my depression. My psychiatrist is trying all these meds on me and the latest (Trileptal) is making my life a living hell! It's supposed to be a mood stabilizer but all it seems to be doing to me is making my depression worse...when it isn't causing me to fly into an unvalidated rage. My next psych appointment is this upcoming Friday. I refuse to take this medicine any longer. I simply cannot function while on it.


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## Miss Vickie

Camellie, please please reach out to someone next time you have a desire to cut yourself. There are crisis lines in each community, and if you have friends you feel safe with, open up to them and tell them how you feel, and ask them to be available for a "hail Mary" phone call or text next time you feel bad.

I worry about you going off your medication. Is there any way you can reach the prescribing doctor? Many of those drugs can be dangerous if you go off of them suddenly.

Be careful, honey, and know that we care.


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## Micara

I've been pretty good lately, but I can feel it starting to set in again. My daughter is home for the summer and I feel guilty for working all the extra hours I work, but when I don't work them I feel guilty too. When I make a mistake I get so mad at myself. I have a physical coming up- I might talk to them about getting on some different meds. The one I am on now I am at the maximum dosage limit. But I do like this medicine because it doesn't make my brain foggy. Oh, I can't win. :/


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## thatgirl08

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m just not good at being an adult. I keep feeling like I have so much to do, like there are all these demands on me and like I don’t have enough time for anything. I keep getting this overwhelming sense of guilt that I’m not giving everything my all. I can’t even sit down for 5 minutes to watch TV or log onto Facebook without thinking about 50 productive things I should be doing instead. 

Yesterday was a perfect example. I woke up late, rushed to my doctor’s appointment, rushed to do some errands, got to work late, couldn’t focus on work because of my anxiety, spent my entire lunch break arguing with my insurance company, still couldn’t concentrate on work, stayed late at work to make up for the time I was late, rushed to run some errands after work, rushed back to my apartment because my boyfriend was sitting there waiting for me, tried to make/eat/clean up from dinner as fast as possible, tried to squeeze in a little time before my mom comes over for him and I to hang out, went on walk with my boyfriend and mom, pushed them both out the door, rushed to my friend’s house to pick her up to go to the gym, tried to make the hanging out after the gym as quick as possible, rushed home to finish cleaning up from dinner and make my lunch for the next day, went to bed. Yeah that’s just one day but I could name 50 just like it. There’s always something.. there’s always errands to run, cleaning and laundry to be done, bills to pay, work to be done, social events to go to, homework that needs doing. Not much seems to ever go smoothly either. I feel like I’m always going against the current when it comes to getting anything done.

After getting all that done.. what do I feel? Guilty. Guilty because I didn’t get as much done at work as I should’ve, guilty because my boyfriend wanted to spend more time together (and was pushing me to cancel on my friend) and I said no, guilty because I promised my mom that her and I could start working out a little together and we only walked for like a half hour yesterday before I had to cut her off and hang out with my friend, guilty to my friend because I was half-assing it at the gym and wasn’t as helpful or attentive as I should’ve been when she was discussing her problems with the guy she’s seeing, guilty because I didn’t get any homework done as I had planned to, guilty because I feel like I should’ve somehow squeezed more in. I feel like I’m going through the motions and not putting 100% into anything I do. I half ass work most days, I do the bare minimum on my homework, I nod my way through most social events while constantly staring at the time on my cell phone,.. I just can’t seem to find enough time to do ANYTHING. 

I just feel like I could be a more reliable friend, a more motivated employee, a better daughter, a more attentive lover. And worse, I keep thinking to myself.. "yeah, and you want to be a wife? And a mother? HOW." I can barely handle girlfriend let alone wife/mother. I just don't feel capable. Even though that's something that isn't in my near future it lingers in the back of my mind. Same goes with grad school. The time has come for me to start applying and I think to myself.. you can barely handle your bachelors, how are you going to finish a masters program? Once again, I just don't feel capable. And it's disappointing because I want more for my life.

Part of me thinks it's not fair that people in my life don't help me out more.. but then again I think, hey they probably have enough on their own plate too. But it'd be nice if my roommate would contribute to cleaning more. She does the very bare minimum of picking up after herself, doing dishes and bringing out the garbage but wouldn't it be great if for once it wasn't me huffing and puffing and struggling to push our vacuum cleaner down the hall (the self propeller function on it is broken) or on my hands and knees wiping off the baseboards in the bathroom? Wouldn't it be nice if my boyfriend would offer to grocery shop or do the dishes since I'm always the one cooking dinner? Wouldn't it be nice if I only had to ask my dad once for his tax information to fill out my FAFSA instead of having to make a mental note to ask every few weeks for like 4 months before he finally does it? Wouldn't it be nice if my mentor at work would make herself more available to me instead of having to track her down every time I have a question? I guess I'm just frustrated...

Today I woke up feeling incredibly sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. I’m feeling a bit better but still off. I immediately felt guilty after I called into work even though I was literally crying from the pain this morning. And then when I woke up and felt a little better I felt even more guilty so I’ve now forced myself to do something productive.. I did a bunch of homework and made a few phone calls I’ve been putting off. I’m about to hop in the shower and run a few errands. I was going to attempt to go to the gym but I can’t muster up enough motivation because the queasiness is still lingering and you know what I keep thinking? All of these wasted hours are just passing me by as I’m sleeping and resting and messing around on the computer even though I haven’t done this in weeks, months even. I just feel like I’m stressed and tired (mentally, emotionally and physically) yet somehow I still suck at everything.


----------



## Webmaster

I don't think it is particularly an adult thing, it's just a life thing. If you let it, whatever time you have will always quickly get soaked up by a myriad of little things.

I recall a time when I was in my early 30s, living by myself in what still was a strange new world for me, working as a project manager, and actually had my mom cancel plans to come visit me because I felt so overwhelmed with my own life and everything I thought needed to be done. Looking back, nothing was really urgent, nothing was nearly important enough to have my own mother cancel her flight from Europe. Yet, at the time I simply could not see how I could handle it all. It's an affliction that totally eats you up, if you let it.

You realize this if you ever go on vacation somewhere for a week or two, leave the computer and smartphone at home, and be totally unreachable. The world actually won't come to a standstill, nothing collapses, everything goes on.

I know you have very strong convictions. If I remember correctly, two or three years ago you lectured me on how impossible it was for most people to start their own business or work for themselves. Having a few extra decades of experience I know, of course, that it can be done quite easily, and millions do it. And it's hugely rewarding and liberating to be in charge of your own professional life. Anyway, for you it'll probably be a matter of letting go of some of that iron discipline and those set convictions as a first step in freeing yourself from the all too common predicament you described in your post.

And free yourself from it all you must, or it'll just get worse and worse. It's not easy as when we find ourselves in that situation, every little thing seems hugely important, and it just doesn't seem possible to ease the burden and lessen the load. So the initial key is learning that not everything is all that important, that it's quite okay to step away from burdens, quite okay to say no, quite okay to simplify your life. 

So best of luck in turning things around and becoming the master of your time rather than its servant.


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## thatgirl08

I never said it was impossible to start your own business, just that it would be extremely difficult for someone on unemployment to have the resources to do so. 

Regardless, I work in Human Resources which isn't exactly a field that can be done on my own (with the exception of possibly some consulting work which I am not nearly educated or experienced enough to do at this point.) I also do truthfully love my job and the company I work for. I've been there for nearly two years now and I'm not in a hurry to leave whatsoever.

I know I should just say no to people, or say no to myself instead of continuing to put more and more obligation on my plate but I just have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not doing enough and that I could be doing more/better. 

Thank you for your post, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I dont know whats wrong with me. I guess Im just not good at being an adult. I keep feeling like I have so much to do, like there are all these demands on me and like I dont have enough time for anything. I keep getting this overwhelming sense of guilt that Im not giving everything my all. I cant even sit down for 5 minutes to watch TV or log onto Facebook without thinking about 50 productive things I should be doing instead.
> 
> Yesterday was a perfect example. I woke up late, rushed to my doctors appointment, rushed to do some errands, got to work late, couldnt focus on work because of my anxiety, spent my entire lunch break arguing with my insurance company, still couldnt concentrate on work, stayed late at work to make up for the time I was late, rushed to run some errands after work, rushed back to my apartment because my boyfriend was sitting there waiting for me, tried to make/eat/clean up from dinner as fast as possible, tried to squeeze in a little time before my mom comes over for him and I to hang out, went on walk with my boyfriend and mom, pushed them both out the door, rushed to my friends house to pick her up to go to the gym, tried to make the hanging out after the gym as quick as possible, rushed home to finish cleaning up from dinner and make my lunch for the next day, went to bed. Yeah thats just one day but I could name 50 just like it. Theres always something.. theres always errands to run, cleaning and laundry to be done, bills to pay, work to be done, social events to go to, homework that needs doing. Not much seems to ever go smoothly either. I feel like Im always going against the current when it comes to getting anything done.
> 
> After getting all that done.. what do I feel? Guilty. Guilty because I didnt get as much done at work as I shouldve, guilty because my boyfriend wanted to spend more time together (and was pushing me to cancel on my friend) and I said no, guilty because I promised my mom that her and I could start working out a little together and we only walked for like a half hour yesterday before I had to cut her off and hang out with my friend, guilty to my friend because I was half-assing it at the gym and wasnt as helpful or attentive as I shouldve been when she was discussing her problems with the guy shes seeing, guilty because I didnt get any homework done as I had planned to, guilty because I feel like I shouldve somehow squeezed more in. I feel like Im going through the motions and not putting 100% into anything I do. I half ass work most days, I do the bare minimum on my homework, I nod my way through most social events while constantly staring at the time on my cell phone,.. I just cant seem to find enough time to do ANYTHING.
> 
> I just feel like I could be a more reliable friend, a more motivated employee, a better daughter, a more attentive lover. And worse, I keep thinking to myself.. "yeah, and you want to be a wife? And a mother? HOW." I can barely handle girlfriend let alone wife/mother. I just don't feel capable. Even though that's something that isn't in my near future it lingers in the back of my mind. Same goes with grad school. The time has come for me to start applying and I think to myself.. you can barely handle your bachelors, how are you going to finish a masters program? Once again, I just don't feel capable. And it's disappointing because I want more for my life.
> 
> Part of me thinks it's not fair that people in my life don't help me out more.. but then again I think, hey they probably have enough on their own plate too. But it'd be nice if my roommate would contribute to cleaning more. She does the very bare minimum of picking up after herself, doing dishes and bringing out the garbage but wouldn't it be great if for once it wasn't me huffing and puffing and struggling to push our vacuum cleaner down the hall (the self propeller function on it is broken) or on my hands and knees wiping off the baseboards in the bathroom? Wouldn't it be nice if my boyfriend would offer to grocery shop or do the dishes since I'm always the one cooking dinner? Wouldn't it be nice if I only had to ask my dad once for his tax information to fill out my FAFSA instead of having to make a mental note to ask every few weeks for like 4 months before he finally does it? Wouldn't it be nice if my mentor at work would make herself more available to me instead of having to track her down every time I have a question? I guess I'm just frustrated...
> 
> Today I woke up feeling incredibly sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. Im feeling a bit better but still off. I immediately felt guilty after I called into work even though I was literally crying from the pain this morning. And then when I woke up and felt a little better I felt even more guilty so Ive now forced myself to do something productive.. I did a bunch of homework and made a few phone calls Ive been putting off. Im about to hop in the shower and run a few errands. I was going to attempt to go to the gym but I cant muster up enough motivation because the queasiness is still lingering and you know what I keep thinking? All of these wasted hours are just passing me by as Im sleeping and resting and messing around on the computer even though I havent done this in weeks, months even. I just feel like Im stressed and tired (mentally, emotionally and physically) yet somehow I still suck at everything.



QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. And girl, give yourself permission to say NO once in awhile. And trust me, dishes can wait. Life's to short to care about freakin' dishes. Trust me.

Breathe. Stop. Say no.


----------



## thatgirl08

Surlysomething said:


> QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. And girl, give yourself permission to say NO once in awhile. And trust me, dishes can wait. Life's to short to care about freakin' dishes. Trust me.
> 
> Breathe. Stop. Say no.



Thank you Surly


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> QUIT BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. And girl, give yourself permission to say NO once in awhile. And trust me, dishes can wait. Life's to short to care about freakin' dishes. Trust me.
> 
> Breathe. Stop. Say no.



Yes yes yes. Oh my gosh, yes.

Words to live by.

And thatgirl? I'm still trying to figure out how to be an adult and I'm in my 40's. So believe me, it's a work in progress.


----------



## thatgirl08

Miss Vickie said:


> Yes yes yes. Oh my gosh, yes.
> 
> Words to live by.
> 
> And thatgirl? I'm still trying to figure out how to be an adult and I'm in my 40's. So believe me, it's a work in progress.



Thanks MV.. it's always so good to hear from you & Surly on here.


----------



## moore2me

*Dear Thatgirl,

What are awful schedule you have. It would grind down most people trying to follow it. Years ago, I found myself having to trim back my schedule each day - I was on the same track you are on now. I will give you some advice based on what I had to do. 

First decide what your number one priority is, then what the other priorities are by their importance. I would think that getting to work on time and doing a quality job should be pretty high. To judge how high, what would happen if you were fired for being late too much or spending too much personal time on the phone?

I would think another important priority would be relationship with family, boyfriend, etc. So going for a walk with your mom may be more important than cleaning baseboards in the bathroom. Also, find out what is important to your boyfriend. At end of a busy day, my husband wants some peace and quiet and to rest. He is just fine with sitting in a chair and napping or watching TV and drinking an adult beverage and eating crackers & cheese. Me being there may not be important - he does like to know where I am (such as not in jail or in a bar picking up sailors).

Your guy may be content to have a home cooked meat just once or twice a week. (A homecooked meal may be a baked chicken and a carton of baked beans and salad from Wal-Mart.) He may be called upon to get such vittles and bring them to the table. Don't wait for him to offer to do something. Mr M2M does not volunteer to do housework. You need to tell him what you need and when. If you were sick and need some medicine, would you wait for him to ask how you were feeling and what you need from the drug store?

To get his help with cooking, find out what he can cook and learn to like it - even if it is a baloney sandwich and chips. For most guys tho, be prepared with male oriented meals such as summer sausage and town house crackers - for veggies, it may be a raw sliced onion.

Lunch at the office doesn't have to be fancy. You can bring a raw potato to bake in the microwave and can of peaches for dessert. I also like canned spagettios and a can of grapefruit sections. Easy to make lunches. Things nutritious (check protein % on can) and cheap.

Prioritize housework. Taking out trash and keeping sink clean and dishes washed is important. I can minimize headaches by used paper plates (less dishes to wash) and paper cups (ditto). Use the rule with your roomie that you are not her mother. Learn to forget about stuff that is small housekeeping infractions such as socks on the floor, presence of dust bunnies, less frequent vacuuming. Remember, how high is this stuff on your priorities list?

Arguing on the phone with insurance may have limited usefulness. The person you are talking to may not have the power to change anything. Write a letter instead - this is more powerful and leaves a permanent chain of evidence. It is less stressful than talking on the phone and may take less time.

Save time by putting as many bills as you can on automatic draft or paying them by computer.

At work, find out what your mentor likes and try luring them to your office. It may be a bowl of their favorite candy (put out for them), hide when they're not around. Or find what their hobby is and keep a few magazines or pictures around that would snag your mentor's interest. (It's also called smoozing or butt kissing - but it works.) I have even gone so far as to goggle a subject my boss liked and printed off something neato that would make him stop by my desk.


And finally, don't forget to set aside some "me" time. I allot time to talk on the computer (like now) or watch a new horror flick (I find beheadings therapeutic).

*


thatgirl08 said:


> I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m just not good at being an adult. I keep feeling like I have so much to do, like there are all these demands on me and like I don’t have enough time for anything. I keep getting this overwhelming sense of guilt that I’m not giving everything my all. I can’t even sit down for 5 minutes to watch TV or log onto Facebook without thinking about 50 productive things I should be doing instead.
> 
> Yesterday was a perfect example. I woke up late, rushed to my doctor’s appointment, rushed to do some errands, got to work late, couldn’t focus on work because of my anxiety, spent my entire lunch break arguing with my insurance company, still couldn’t concentrate on work, stayed late at work to make up for the time I was late, rushed to run some errands after work, rushed back to my apartment because my boyfriend was sitting there waiting for me, tried to make/eat/clean up from dinner as fast as possible, tried to squeeze in a little time before my mom comes over for him and I to hang out, went on walk with my boyfriend and mom, pushed them both out the door, rushed to my friend’s house to pick her up to go to the gym, tried to make the hanging out after the gym as quick as possible, rushed home to finish cleaning up from dinner and make my lunch for the next day, went to bed. Yeah that’s just one day but I could name 50 just like it. There’s always something.. there’s always errands to run, cleaning and laundry to be done, bills to pay, work to be done, social events to go to, homework that needs doing. Not much seems to ever go smoothly either. I feel like I’m always going against the current when it comes to getting anything done.
> 
> After getting all that done.. what do I feel? Guilty. Guilty because I didn’t get as much done at work as I should’ve, guilty because my boyfriend wanted to spend more time together (and was pushing me to cancel on my friend) and I said no, guilty because I promised my mom that her and I could start working out a little together and we only walked for like a half hour yesterday before I had to cut her off and hang out with my friend, guilty to my friend because I was half-assing it at the gym and wasn’t as helpful or attentive as I should’ve been when she was discussing her problems with the guy she’s seeing, guilty because I didn’t get any homework done as I had planned to, guilty because I feel like I should’ve somehow squeezed more in. I feel like I’m going through the motions and not putting 100% into anything I do. I half ass work most days, I do the bare minimum on my homework, I nod my way through most social events while constantly staring at the time on my cell phone,.. I just can’t seem to find enough time to do ANYTHING.
> 
> I just feel like I could be a more reliable friend, a more motivated employee, a better daughter, a more attentive lover. And worse, I keep thinking to myself.. "yeah, and you want to be a wife? And a mother? HOW." I can barely handle girlfriend let alone wife/mother. I just don't feel capable. Even though that's something that isn't in my near future it lingers in the back of my mind. Same goes with grad school. The time has come for me to start applying and I think to myself.. you can barely handle your bachelors, how are you going to finish a masters program? Once again, I just don't feel capable. And it's disappointing because I want more for my life.
> 
> Part of me thinks it's not fair that people in my life don't help me out more.. but then again I think, hey they probably have enough on their own plate too. But it'd be nice if my roommate would contribute to cleaning more. She does the very bare minimum of picking up after herself, doing dishes and bringing out the garbage but wouldn't it be great if for once it wasn't me huffing and puffing and struggling to push our vacuum cleaner down the hall (the self propeller function on it is broken) or on my hands and knees wiping off the baseboards in the bathroom? Wouldn't it be nice if my boyfriend would offer to grocery shop or do the dishes since I'm always the one cooking dinner? Wouldn't it be nice if I only had to ask my dad once for his tax information to fill out my FAFSA instead of having to make a mental note to ask every few weeks for like 4 months before he finally does it? Wouldn't it be nice if my mentor at work would make herself more available to me instead of having to track her down every time I have a question? I guess I'm just frustrated...
> 
> Today I woke up feeling incredibly sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. I’m feeling a bit better but still off. I immediately felt guilty after I called into work even though I was literally crying from the pain this morning. And then when I woke up and felt a little better I felt even more guilty so I’ve now forced myself to do something productive.. I did a bunch of homework and made a few phone calls I’ve been putting off. I’m about to hop in the shower and run a few errands. I was going to attempt to go to the gym but I can’t muster up enough motivation because the queasiness is still lingering and you know what I keep thinking? All of these wasted hours are just passing me by as I’m sleeping and resting and messing around on the computer even though I haven’t done this in weeks, months even. I just feel like I’m stressed and tired (mentally, emotionally and physically) yet somehow I still suck at everything.


----------



## Miss Vickie

thatgirl08 said:


> Thanks MV.. it's always so good to hear from you & Surly on here.



I'm glad my words helped even if they just offered comfort. Feel free to pm me if you'd like my email. I don't get to visit much -- I'm the sole bread winner now so I'm working three jobs -- but I'm happy to help my friends in any way I can. I just have a hard time getting to Dimensions to say hello.;

Hope you're doing better. Don't be so hard on yourself, ok?

My latest and greatest? Tried abilify as a "boost" because of some life events (see above) and it's been a massive mistake. Dystonia has been the order of the day, with weird muscle cramps like you'd get with lockjaw, memory changes, blurred vision -- and those are just the ones I can attribute to that medication. So back to the drawing board.  Bummer 'cause it made a beautiful and noticeable difference in my mood.


----------



## thatgirl08

moore2me said:


> *Dear Thatgirl,
> 
> What are awful schedule you have. It would grind down most people trying to follow it. Years ago, I found myself having to trim back my schedule each day - I was on the same track you are on now. I will give you some advice based on what I had to do.
> 
> First decide what your number one priority is, then what the other priorities are by their importance. I would think that getting to work on time and doing a quality job should be pretty high. To judge how high, what would happen if you were fired for being late too much or spending too much personal time on the phone?
> 
> I would think another important priority would be relationship with family, boyfriend, etc. So going for a walk with your mom may be more important than cleaning baseboards in the bathroom. Also, find out what is important to your boyfriend. At end of a busy day, my husband wants some peace and quiet and to rest. He is just fine with sitting in a chair and napping or watching TV and drinking an adult beverage and eating crackers & cheese. Me being there may not be important - he does like to know where I am (such as not in jail or in a bar picking up sailors).
> 
> Your guy may be content to have a home cooked meat just once or twice a week. (A homecooked meal may be a baked chicken and a carton of baked beans and salad from Wal-Mart.) He may be called upon to get such vittles and bring them to the table. Don't wait for him to offer to do something. Mr M2M does not volunteer to do housework. You need to tell him what you need and when. If you were sick and need some medicine, would you wait for him to ask how you were feeling and what you need from the drug store?
> 
> To get his help with cooking, find out what he can cook and learn to like it - even if it is a baloney sandwich and chips. For most guys tho, be prepared with male oriented meals such as summer sausage and town house crackers - for veggies, it may be a raw sliced onion.
> 
> Lunch at the office doesn't have to be fancy. You can bring a raw potato to bake in the microwave and can of peaches for dessert. I also like canned spagettios and a can of grapefruit sections. Easy to make lunches. Things nutritious (check protein % on can) and cheap.
> 
> Prioritize housework. Taking out trash and keeping sink clean and dishes washed is important. I can minimize headaches by used paper plates (less dishes to wash) and paper cups (ditto). Use the rule with your roomie that you are not her mother. Learn to forget about stuff that is small housekeeping infractions such as socks on the floor, presence of dust bunnies, less frequent vacuuming. Remember, how high is this stuff on your priorities list?
> 
> Arguing on the phone with insurance may have limited usefulness. The person you are talking to may not have the power to change anything. Write a letter instead - this is more powerful and leaves a permanent chain of evidence. It is less stressful than talking on the phone and may take less time.
> 
> Save time by putting as many bills as you can on automatic draft or paying them by computer.
> 
> At work, find out what your mentor likes and try luring them to your office. It may be a bowl of their favorite candy (put out for them), hide when they're not around. Or find what their hobby is and keep a few magazines or pictures around that would snag your mentor's interest. (It's also called smoozing or butt kissing - but it works.) I have even gone so far as to goggle a subject my boss liked and printed off something neato that would make him stop by my desk.
> 
> 
> And finally, don't forget to set aside some "me" time. I allot time to talk on the computer (like now) or watch a new horror flick (I find beheadings therapeutic).
> 
> *



Thank you M2M. I appreciate the advice. I am trying to prioritize, and work is definitely #1, followed closely by college and my health (which I am struggling to improve right now) but it seems like those things just take up so much of my time that I find it difficult to fit much else in. I've let housework slide the past few weeks and I'm frankly a little skeeved out by it (I'm a neat freak:/) but hey, it's more important to stay sane than it is to have a spotless apartment. Trying to seriously cut down on my cleaning and errand time is making a big difference. Luckily my semester of school will also be ending in two weeks which will give me about two full months without classes so I can really focus on work, my health, and my relationships. 

My boyfriend and I are taking a five day trip in a few weeks to Maine - we're staying in a gorgeous bed & breakfast near the water and I couldn't be more excited. We've decided to go phone/Facebook free for the entire trip (sans emergencies of course.) I'll be done with school by then, and have already gotten the time approved for work, so I can just completely relax and enjoy myself. I'm really looking forward to it.. I think it'll give me a chance to rejuvenate a little.


----------



## thatgirl08

Miss Vickie said:


> I'm glad my words helped even if they just offered comfort. Feel free to pm me if you'd like my email. I don't get to visit much -- I'm the sole bread winner now so I'm working three jobs -- but I'm happy to help my friends in any way I can. I just have a hard time getting to Dimensions to say hello.;
> 
> Hope you're doing better. Don't be so hard on yourself, ok?
> 
> My latest and greatest? Tried abilify as a "boost" because of some life events (see above) and it's been a massive mistake. Dystonia has been the order of the day, with weird muscle cramps like you'd get with lockjaw, memory changes, blurred vision -- and those are just the ones I can attribute to that medication. So back to the drawing board.  Bummer 'cause it made a beautiful and noticeable difference in my mood.



That sounds absolutely awful - I have no idea how you could possibly fit in three jobs. I can barely do one and I feel like I'm drowning. You're a much stronger person than I am, that's for sure. I hope you can find medicine that will work better for you.


----------



## moore2me

thatgirl08 said:


> I dont know whats wrong with me. I guess Im just not good at being an adult. I keep feeling like I have so much to do, like there are all these demands on me and like I dont have enough time for anything. I keep getting this overwhelming sense of guilt that Im not giving everything my all. I cant even sit down for 5 minutes to watch TV or log onto Facebook without thinking about 50 productive things I should be doing instead.
> 
> Even though that's something that isn't in my near future it lingers in the back of my mind. Same goes with grad school. The time has come for me to start applying and I think to myself.. you can barely handle your bachelors, how are you going to finish a masters program? Once again, I just don't feel capable. And it's disappointing because I want more for my life.
> 
> (Snipped). . . . .



Dear thatgirl. Doing graduate school at the same time you are working full time is very hard. It is not impossible, but it will require time management and sacrificing some things you are doing now. I went thru a MS degree while I was working full time about 10 years ago. (I wouldn't be able to handle it now tho.) Here's some things I learned . . .

For every hour you spend in class, you have to do about 3 hours of outside work - at least. When you have to write a thesis it will take even more time. You do have some leeway in that you can select how many hours a semester you take. However, some programs have a minimum and make you complete your studies in a certain time.

The hardest part for me was getting out of class late at night, having to walk to my car in the dark, and having an hour to drive home late at night. This was scary and dangerous - bad drivers and bad people lurk around dark parking lots and high rise schools at night (especially when there are just a few idiots like me going to class). They say texting while driving is dangerous, I would do statistics problems while driving. Plus, there would be days I would leave home in the dark and arrive home after dark. I felt like a vampire.

Your personal life will be in the skids and your social life will be even worse. Housekeeping will cease and you will eat out of vending machines and late night drive thrus. 

So why do it? I enjoyed learning the material and enjoyed the lectures. I loved education and talking with people smarter than I was. For me, being in class was fun. The rest of it was the pits. They say you can make more more with an advanced degree. Some people can - I did not. I think this was also due to that old glass ceiling women run into.

One last piece of info - the professors. A few of my teachers were nice and easy to get along with. Most of the teachers were not. Some of the profs were mad they had to work late and mess with measily students, to these guys we were pests. Some teachers thought the bad students should be weeded out. (Hint - there are no bad students in a room full of egghead graduate students - some people just end up cannon fodder.) You just have to not expect all of your teacher to like you. Also, some of the teachers think graduate students are serfs. These guys want you to help them write their papers (you get no credit, no pay) or help clean out their rat cages.

Some of the teachers were very smart but had no business teaching students. One teacher would give us math problems that would take an hour or so to solve (each problem) and he would give us the answer. Sometimes he would give us the wrong answer and would laugh when we complained we spent hours trying to solve for his wrong answer. His excuse was we should be smart enough to not spend so much time when we knew something was wrong.

Would I do it again? Yes - if I was younger and stronger. Also, I tried several times before finishing graduate school. I went to about three different colleges before I got it right.


----------



## Miss Vickie

thatgirl08 said:


> That sounds absolutely awful - I have no idea how you could possibly fit in three jobs. I can barely do one and I feel like I'm drowning. You're a much stronger person than I am, that's for sure. I hope you can find medicine that will work better for you.



Aw, thanks, but no -- I'm not strong. Just silly. And since I'm done with official classes I feel like I have more time (perception being different than reality). My hope is that it's just a temporary thing.

Hang in there. You're asking a lot of yourself, more than most people could, or should. Remember when you feel overwhelmed that it's because you're trying to do so much and -- as much as you can -- prioritize.

Hang in there.


----------



## Surlysomething

Struggling to be happy but recovering quicker than before.

Helps to be excited about my baby sis's upcoming wedding.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Struggling to be happy but recovering quicker than before.
> 
> Helps to be excited about my baby sis's upcoming wedding.



Aw, sorry you're struggling, but glad you've got something to be excited about. The fact that you can be excited about something is a good thing.

I ended up taken off the Abilify after we tried decreasing the dose. But no go. So now we're switching me to Cymbalta, which has the advantage of some pain relief.

Wish me luck...

In the meantime I'm working nearly seven days a week since I'm the sole bread winner in the house.


----------



## Russell Williams

southernfa said:


> We are a societal species. Someone told me once that we need six meaningful conversations a day. Grunting at the bus-driver or your neighbour doesn't count  and verbal conversations work better than written ones (one of the downsides of the virtual world).



as many of you know Louise loves to talk to people and to say complementary things to them and asked about their lives and their families. Louise also sometimes takes medications for depression. What you say above opens up the possibility that the talking to people helps Louise deal with her depression.


----------



## Russell Williams

moore2me said:


> Dear thatgirl. .
> 
> "Some of the teachers were very smart but had no business teaching students. "
> 
> 
> My beloved mother, Dr. Clara Williams PhD was in that category. Her PhD was in biochemistry. As a high school chemistry student I would ask her what I call a $.50 question and get what I call a $50 answer. An answer which was so far over my head that it was of no help.
> 
> During her life she did very little teaching and did a whole lot of, what was apparently, excellent research for the federal government. At one point a company that provided independent research was found to be fudging the research. The stockholders realized that their investment had suddenly become worthless. They offered the presidency of the company to my mother because they knew that the scientific community knew that anything that came out with the name of Dr. Clara Williams on it was good, solid, accurate, well-written research.
> 
> However my knowledge of chemistry never reached the point where I could hold an intelligent discussion of chemistry with her.


----------



## Surlysomething

Ugh. Here we go again.


----------



## Marlayna

Father's Day tomorrow, daddy died a long time ago.


----------



## Surlysomething

I actually reached out to a friend that is a social worker and asked for help in how to handle my family and the anger and emotion I have regarding their behaviour. I really hope that she can teach me some coping skills.

I was distraught yesterday over recent events and couldn't sleep last night for the worry and anxiety it brought me. 


I'm just about done caring...


----------



## CarlaSixx

Been reading a lot lately to get my mind off things. It's helped. I've finished 5 books in 2 weeks. I have a thing for the self-help and sociology sections of the library. Sometimes I venture into the biographies, but never into the fiction. No idea why. But that's alright.

On my last search for books, I ran across "I CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY" by Paul McKenna. Have to say... of all the books for dealing with low moods and depression, his has been the best and most effective for me so far. It's a shame I didn't ask about the accompanying CD, cuz I'm sure I could have benefitted from that as well.

I definitely would recommend the book. It's not mindless repetitive jibber-jabber. It's really good, and the exercises are easy and effective. 

It's about the only truly useful one I've found so far. I'm going to be on a quest for more books in a few hours. But after having gone into the deepest of my despair last weekend, it's nice to feel like things are looking up. 

And really... anything is better than feeling like life is completely worthless. I can't believe just a week ago I was planning out a suicide and was completely paranoid. And by paranoid, I mean I thought people were going to attack me out of mowhere with knives, I thought getting out of bed would mean stepping on blades, etc etc. Real paranoia. SOOOOO glad it's over, but it's kind of crazy how quickly it seemed to have turned around. 

I hope anyone who's dealing with the same feelings I had will have a turn around real soon, as well. It's so painful to not feel things properly. I hope you find something to help. I really do.

ETA: I'll be one year off meds at the end of September. While medication may have helped prevent my despair going as far as it did, I know it would have made me more like a zombie than anything else. Sometimes I wonder if medication is really worth taking in the first place?


----------



## Surlysomething

Surlysomething said:


> I actually reached out to a friend that is a social worker and asked for help in how to handle my family and the anger and emotion I have regarding their behaviour. I really hope that she can teach me some coping skills.
> 
> I was distraught yesterday over recent events and couldn't sleep last night for the worry and anxiety it brought me.
> 
> 
> I'm just about done caring...




I actually talked to a co-worker about this. Just getting it out made me feel better. I cowarded out and facebook messaged my friend (because I knew if I called I would cry like a little bitch) and at least we have opened up a line of communication about it. She thought I knew something I didn't and vice versa. I think we'll be ok.


----------



## Surlysomething

It's come to my attention that people in my life question the struggle that comes with living with chronic conditions, so I posted up the Spoon Theory that the lovely Miss Vickie turned me onto. I see no other way to explain what it's like to live in a body that does things that you have no control over.

It's mind-boggling to me that people I love throw my health issues into my face and don't have an empathetic bone in their body.

Thanks, MV!!


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> It's come to my attention that people in my life question the struggle that comes with living with chronic conditions, so I posted up the Spoon Theory that the lovely Miss Vickie turned me onto. I see no other way to explain what it's like to live in a body that does things that you have no control over.
> 
> It's mind-boggling to me that people I love throw my health issues into my face and don't have an empathetic bone in their body.
> 
> Thanks, MV!!



I'm glad I could help. I want to spread that message far and wide -- to patients so we have patience with ourselves, and to families. I think it's just such a beautiful illustration of what we go through.

I'm sorry people are being dickish though. You deserve better.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> I'm glad I could help. I want to spread that message far and wide -- to patients so we have patience with ourselves, and to families. I think it's just such a beautiful illustration of what we go through.
> 
> I'm sorry people are being dickish though. You deserve better.



Unfortunately it totally went over their head and they still attacked me about my health.

C'est la vie! (I think it's a great theory myself  )


----------



## Marlayna

I stayed in bed all day with a crying attack that went on and on. I'm out of tears so I'm okay now, but I think it was ptsd from the past. I felt seven years old again, and terribly unhappy.
A totally unproductive day like that is a rarity nowadays, but never far from my mind.


----------



## Surlysomething

Marlayna said:


> I stayed in bed all day with a crying attack that went on and on. I'm out of tears so I'm okay now, but I think it was ptsd from the past. I felt seven years old again, and terribly unhappy.
> A totally unproductive day like that is a rarity nowadays, but never far from my mind.





I hope you're having a better day today.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Unfortunately it totally went over their head and they still attacked me about my health.
> 
> C'est la vie! (I think it's a great theory myself  )



Oh good grief! :doh: I think they don't want to get it. Same with my coworkers; because I look "normal", when I call in sick they think I'm malingering. As if a woman who has worked full time and gone to school full time knows how to malinger. 

They say you can't pick your family, but at least you have friends who understand.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> Oh good grief! :doh: I think they don't want to get it. Same with my coworkers; because I look "normal", when I call in sick they think I'm malingering. As if a woman who has worked full time and gone to school full time knows how to malinger.
> 
> They say you can't pick your family, but at least you have friends who understand.




Ha! These are actually my best friends doing it. They're ripping me apart because they're feeling guilty for the way I called them out on something else. It's pretty sad but I don't feel the need to justify anything with them about it. They don't live in this weird body of mine. So yeah, I get where you're coming from with your co-workers.


----------



## Marlayna

Surlysomething said:


> I hope you're having a better day today.


Thank you, I am, and it's my 9th wedding anniversary today. Feeling loved brings me the joy I was denied as a child.
I got married at 55, and I'm the happiest I've ever been.


----------



## J34

Summer usually brings me down, past couple of months have been rough. I have been stuck in neutral for a bit. Plus the dreams of recurring death doesn't make it any better


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## Surlysomething

J34 said:


> Summer usually brings me down, past couple of months have been rough. I have been stuck in neutral for a bit. Plus the dreams of recurring death doesn't make it any better




Why do you think that summer brings you down? In the past I had the exact same thing going on and wondered if I had reverse SAD disorder. Luckily it ended and I enjoy the summer once again.

Is there anyone that you can talk to?


----------



## J34

Surlysomething said:


> Why do you think that summer brings you down? In the past I had the exact same thing going on and wondered if I had reverse SAD disorder. Luckily it ended and I enjoy the summer once again.
> 
> Is there anyone that you can talk to?



Well I am not a big fan of the heat, and summer usually. I always tend to stay inside and summer usually makes stay in mostly. I am quite fond of the rain, and fall and snow.

Well I can say that self diagnosis is not the right way to do things, but I can't afford a therapist. Though from the research that I have done and know, my depression started in Spring of 2009. I've tried as many things as recommended to get myself on track, but it has never really panned out. I am not much for routine and from what I know of my temperament I will usually stop if nothing seems to get better. I tried talking to my family, but they think it is nonsense. All it has done is just create a rift between myself and them. They believe that I am just making this up as an excuse not to do things, but it has severely effected my life especially in university and at work. So I know it is not just something made up.


----------



## Surlysomething

I saw an unflattering picture of myself taken on a day that I thought I looked pretty. I was really upset about it last night and ended up waking up at 4:30 am tossing and turning and I felt distraught over it. 

I'm still struggling this morning with an overwhelming self hatred.


----------



## thatgirl08

Surlysomething said:


> I saw an unflattering picture of myself taken on a day that I thought I looked pretty. I was really upset about it last night and ended up waking up at 4:30 am tossing and turning and I felt distraught over it.
> 
> I'm still struggling this morning with an overwhelming self hatred.



I wish I had advice to give but unfortunately, I don't know what the answer is. I can tell you I have days like this all the time .. I'll be feeling fine and then a bad picture of me or maybe a random glance in the mirror will leave me feeling upset. Just wanted to let you know youre not alone.


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## CarlaSixx

I let the monster back in.

I was doing alright. But my mother drags me down, and then I think too much... and everything goes to Hell. 

Some girls would kill to be in my current situation. I know that, but I'm still extremely unhappy. I think my situation actually brought my depression back full on. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I don't wanna just drop all the guys I've been seeing. It gives me something to do. But at the same time... It must not be worth it if all it's doing is making me fall into a deeper depression.


----------



## Surlysomething

thatgirl08 said:


> I wish I had advice to give but unfortunately, I don't know what the answer is. I can tell you I have days like this all the time .. I'll be feeling fine and then a bad picture of me or maybe a random glance in the mirror will leave me feeling upset. Just wanted to let you know youre not alone.



Thanks, girlie. Sometimes I just avoid mirrors and pictures altogether. 

I'm always pleasantly surprised when I see a picture of myself and it's what I think I really look like in my head. I'm ok today though...I had to let it go or it was going to do me in.


----------



## Mishty

Surlysomething said:


> I saw an unflattering picture of myself taken on a day that I thought I looked pretty. I was really upset about it last night and ended up waking up at 4:30 am tossing and turning and I felt distraught over it.
> 
> I'm still struggling this morning with an overwhelming self hatred.




I hate this shit so much. 
Havin' a day where you're feeling some what adorable and someone snaps a picture and instantly I feel like an ogre. Ruins my entire attitude.


----------



## Surlysomething

Mishty said:


> I hate this shit so much.
> Havin' a day where you're feeling some what adorable and someone snaps a picture and instantly I feel like an ogre. Ruins my entire attitude.



It really pushed me close to the edge.  Like close enough to source out breast reduction surgery and all sorts of other shit that screwed with my brain. It's the constant _everything_ telling you how wrong you are. It's even family members who every time they see you they say "you lost weight!" like it's my goal in life and that i'm a good girl because of it.

Just when i'm at that place where i'm exhausted with fat shame....it rears it's ugly head.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> It really pushed me close to the edge.  Like close enough to source out breast reduction surgery and all sorts of other shit that screwed with my brain. It's the constant _everything_ telling you how wrong you are. It's even family members who every time they see you they say "you lost weight!" like it's my goal in life and that i'm a good girl because of it.
> 
> Just when i'm at that place where i'm exhausted with fat shame....it rears it's ugly head.



It's amazing how little it takes to lay us low, isn't it? One bad picture, one off handed comment, one spouse cheating -- kind of makes you doubt your own value, doesn't it?

We're in the process of building my practice and the owner of the clinic and I talked about what my emphasis will be. I told her I was interested in caring for fat people, and also for people who had had WLS. She assumed that I meant weight loss counseling. Oh, HELL no. So I had to talk to her about my philosophy of weight and health and that I will not put people on diets. She "got it" but it was interesting (maddening, saddening and frustrating) how permeating our societal fatphobia is.


----------



## Surlysomething

Miss Vickie said:


> It's amazing how little it takes to lay us low, isn't it? One bad picture, one off handed comment, one spouse cheating -- kind of makes you doubt your own value, doesn't it?
> 
> We're in the process of building my practice and the owner of the clinic and I talked about what my emphasis will be. I told her I was interested in caring for fat people, and also for people who had had WLS. She assumed that I meant weight loss counseling. Oh, HELL no. So I had to talk to her about my philosophy of weight and health and that I will not put people on diets. She "got it" but it was interesting (maddening, saddening and frustrating) how permeating our societal fatphobia is.



I think some people are never going to get how damaging fat shame is and i'm sorry you have to fight so hard to get your point across. I do think it's a good fight and you're such an amazing person that has first hand knowledge and a great education to back it. 

I feel like being a hermit right now. Hopefully it passes soon and I go back to just being oblivious to the outside world's view on my size.


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## Undine

I've been lurking in this thread for the past few days, debating whether or not to post. Finally, I said to myself, "self, just do it."

I've fought with depression on and off since I was 12 or 13 years old (I'm 28 now), and I'm just so tired of it. Anxiety has recently come into the mix, and it's turned me into a panicky, weepy puddle of useless goo. I've been on so many different meds during the course of this, and I'll feel great for a while, and then they stop working and it feels like I'm not taking anything at all. The stuff I've been on recently hasn't worked since December, and I'm still waiting to get in to see a doctor to get new meds. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find something that works for more than a few months; if I'll ever just get to be happy for a while. 

It literally feels like there's a big empty hole in my chest, a black hole that's sucking everything good in my life into it and into oblivion. It physically hurts. All I can do is sleep, because I don't want to be awake to feel and think about these things. I've been unemployed for two months now, after being unexpectedly fired because the job "wasn't for me," with seemingly no hope of finding a job, so I have nothing to do during the day. I've recently started trying to write again (I write fiction), but I'm not doing such a great job of it. I nitpick every single sentence to the point where I just stop even trying.

My fiance tries as best as he can, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I _can't_ stop worrying, that I _can't_ just get out of bed and do something else. We're having a rough time with his parents, who we currently live with. He asked them for help with some issues he was having, and their response was a letter with two options: 1) we have to move out, because they don't want me living with them anymore (which of course they wouldn't come right out and say in the letter, but they told him), and they won't give him any kind of help anymore, or 2) he stays with them, I still move out, and they "help him" by taking complete control of his life, from his finances to his eating - seriously, the letter said that if he took option 2, he was no longer allowed to consume anything containing high fructose corn syrup. He's 25 years old. I shit you not.

(Just to be clear, my fiance chose option 1 - we'll be moving into an apartment at the beginning of August.)

I'm absolutely devastated over this, not only because of the horrible thing they did to their own son, but because I thought these people were going to be part of my family, and they're pretty much saying that they don't want anything to do with me anymore, for no reason other than that I don't have a job. At least that's the only reason I can fathom, because I certainly haven't done anything to them. Now, we weren't paying rent - the agreement was that as long as my fiance is in school, we would be allowed to stay with them for free. So they've reneged on their agreement like it never even existed and revealed themselves for the heartless tyrants they are. I know that this is all on them, but I continue to beat myself up over it. And then when I overhear my future father-in-law asking my fiance to go somewhere with the family, and tell him that he can take anyone he wants, so why doesn't he take his female friend - in other words, anyone but me - it just hurts so much that I'm so blatantly not wanted. And, to make things even worse, in a strange way, his parents are acting like nothing ever happened - they're still trying to talk to me like normal. His father tried to have a conversation with me about the weather the other day. 

It doesn't help that, as I said, my fiance just doesn't get it. He's a very logical, brainy person, so his response to my distress over his father asking him to take someone else to the family function is "well, you wouldn't have wanted to go anyway, right?" /facepalm. In his view, he has a million other things to be worrying about - school, his best friend going back across the country, etc. - so why should he worry about something (i.e. his parents) that he doesn't give a crap about? Whereas I'm having panic attacks and being terrified that his father is going to start screaming at me, telling me how worthless I am.

All this drama with his family is not helping my depression and anxiety one bit. I've started seeing a counselor, but I'm going to have to stop once we move - the "sliding fee" thing which allows me to see him for free is only applicable if you live in a certain county, and we'll be moving out of the county. I'm going to try to find another place in the county we'll be moving to, but I'll have to go through the whole intake process all over again and wait who knows how long to get set up with an appointment.

I'm just sick of my whole existence feeling like a cruel joke. I'm grateful for what I have, but I don't think it's too much to ask to want some relief.

Thanks for wading through all this. I really needed to vent.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I think some people are never going to get how damaging fat shame is and i'm sorry you have to fight so hard to get your point across. I do think it's a good fight and you're such an amazing person that has first hand knowledge and a great education to back it.



Aw, thanks. One of the things my patients seem to appreciate is that I have shared their struggles (both with weight and chronic illness). I can't immediately have decades of clinical experience but it seems to mean a lot to my patients that I get where they're coming from.



> I feel like being a hermit right now. Hopefully it passes soon and I go back to just being oblivious to the outside world's view on my size.



I hope you feel better soon. For what it's worth, I think you're gorgeous but I know that doesn't matter when we're working through these issues. Hang in there.



Undine said:


> I've been lurking in this thread for the past few days, debating whether or not to post. Finally, I said to myself, "self, just do it."



I'm so glad you posted. Sometimes just getting it out is helpful, even if we can't offer any concrete advice. 

Your guy's family sounds like my guy's family. Very controlling. Ultimately we had to separate from them entirely but it took a long time to get to that point and we're also much older so we had no financial reliability on them. I think if you guys can make it financially without their help, you'll get a lot less grief. It definitely seems that the financial help comes with huuuuuuuuge strings attached. Sometimes it's worth it. Sometimes not.

In the meantime, do what you can to take care of you. No one who hasn't been depressed will "get" that you can't just will it away. And there are lots of meds on the market now that can "boost" other meds so that may be something for you to try once you get in with someone.

I know life is tough right now, and hopefully things will get better when you're out from under their thumb. Adding these kinds of issues to your already-existing depression and anxiety is the definition of the last thing you need.

Hang in there, and remember that there are crisis lines and emergency rooms if you don't feel safe, or if you're out of control. Ok?


----------



## Undine

Thanks, Miss Vickie, for your kind words. 

It's going to be tough, but I think we'll be able to make it without their help. Their help isn't worth it, with the huge knot of strings they've attached. Now if I could just find a job, things would be infinitely better...

I've also been writing more, and that seems to be helping a bit. At the very least, when I'm writing/thinking about my stories I'm not thinking about the in-laws.

Thanks again for your compassion and encouragement. It's truly appreciated.




Miss Vickie said:


> I'm so glad you posted. Sometimes just getting it out is helpful, even if we can't offer any concrete advice.
> 
> Your guy's family sounds like my guy's family. Very controlling. Ultimately we had to separate from them entirely but it took a long time to get to that point and we're also much older so we had no financial reliability on them. I think if you guys can make it financially without their help, you'll get a lot less grief. It definitely seems that the financial help comes with huuuuuuuuge strings attached. Sometimes it's worth it. Sometimes not.
> 
> In the meantime, do what you can to take care of you. No one who hasn't been depressed will "get" that you can't just will it away. And there are lots of meds on the market now that can "boost" other meds so that may be something for you to try once you get in with someone.
> 
> I know life is tough right now, and hopefully things will get better when you're out from under their thumb. Adding these kinds of issues to your already-existing depression and anxiety is the definition of the last thing you need.
> 
> Hang in there, and remember that there are crisis lines and emergency rooms if you don't feel safe, or if you're out of control. Ok?


----------



## Mishty

The thought of someone desiring me baffles me,makes me question everything I am and then I feel lacking and fucked in the head.

I'm apparently at the point where happiness makes me depressed.
Joy can make me more sad than cruelty and I just don't want to put that on anyone. 

"Oh you like me? I doubt you and everything you say; you'll hurt me and reject me...so. Fuck off."


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## Surlysomething

Mishty said:


> The thought of someone desiring me baffles me,makes me question everything I am and then I feel lacking and fucked in the head.
> 
> I'm apparently at the point where happiness makes me depressed.
> Joy can make me more sad than cruelty and I just don't want to put that on anyone.
> 
> "Oh you like me? I doubt you and everything you say; you'll hurt me and reject me...so. Fuck off."



I totally feel you, girlie. No advice, just a lot of good thoughts your way.


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## topher38

I have gone 1 week without much sleep I find myself in a zombie like state at work, "only good thing I was alone there this week" I find myself doing the wrong thing to try to get rid of this issue {"having to many drinks", crying at night, and telling myself to stop this you have been though far worse, but still can't stop it...


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## CrankySpice

Has anyone tried or have any experience with Deplin?


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## Saoirse

Im tired of being everyone's second choice. Like... Im good, but not good ENOUGH. There will always be someone better than me at everything.

My good buddy would rather have his fuck buddy move in with him than me. BUT IM DEFINITELY HIS 2ND CHOICE. fuck you asshole.


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## seavixen

Mishty said:


> The thought of someone desiring me baffles me,makes me question everything I am and then I feel lacking and fucked in the head.
> 
> I'm apparently at the point where happiness makes me depressed.
> Joy can make me more sad than cruelty and I just don't want to put that on anyone.
> 
> "Oh you like me? I doubt you and everything you say; you'll hurt me and reject me...so. Fuck off."



I totally understand what you mean.

I don't really talk about depression, but it's something that has been a part of my life *always*. Even though my situation / emotional state / so forth has been on a pretty even keel for years now, it's still something that is there - always - under the surface. I still feel safer down than I do up. It's familiar. There's not as far to fall. There's not so much potential for hurt, disappointment, and all of that other crap that's hard to take. There's even sort of a numbness that's comforting and easy.

I still sometimes just wonder if I'm actually really crazy. Do crazy people know they're crazy? Huh.

Writing helps. I've been experimenting with mixing autobiographical things with fiction, and it's oddly cathartic. At the same time, it's horrifying. Confronting your past, who you are, and all the other stuff is... very strange. But, for some reason, taking bits of myself and turning them into someone else makes me see them more clearly than when I just look at memories and thoughts from inside my own head. Things are so much more easily justified - or excused, or ignored, or regretted, or dwelt upon, or any other number of things - when you don't separate them from yourself and your own bias.


----------



## furious styles

the more i make music the more sane i seem to stay. i've been motivated by a fellow artist who's sort of pulled me out of my slump lately and things seem to be looking up for the first time in a while but the black dog is always over my shoulder. still impossibly behind on life. but one thing at a time.


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## Surlysomething

furious styles said:


> the more i make music the more sane i seem to stay. i've been motivated by a fellow artist who's sort of pulled me out of my slump lately and things seem to be looking up for the first time in a while but the black dog is always over my shoulder. still impossibly behind on life. but one thing at a time.


 

One day at a time sounds cheezy, but it's true. Every day you get out of bed is a good one and all the rest of the cliches out there.

And dude, music saves my life constantly. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the sweet, sweet sounds I listen to. I was listening to old-school Stones on my way to work the other day at about 6:20am. Blasting it from my car without a care in the world. Time Is on My Side was out before I was even born (1964) and I couldn't get enough of it in 2012. 

Hang in there! There are songs to be written and albums to be listened to.


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## seavixen

furious styles said:


> the more i make music the more sane i seem to stay. i've been motivated by a fellow artist who's sort of pulled me out of my slump lately and things seem to be looking up for the first time in a while but the black dog is always over my shoulder. still impossibly behind on life. but one thing at a time.



Outlets are really crucial. Music, painting, photography, writing...etc. - I think art really is one of the healthiest ways to cope and avoid, or at least lessen, self-destruction...both creating and experiencing / relating to others' work.


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## Surlysomething

Things have been going downhill since my breakup....particularly bad lately.



Today I went to a family BBQ and you couldn't have asked for more beautiful weather. I had such a nice time that I actually feel relaxed for the first time this weekend. I also met my 8 day old baby cousin for the first time. It's amazing how much a wee lass like that can totally brighten your dark skies.


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## CAMellie

I spent a number of hours in the ER last night after cutting myself worse than I have in quite some time and swallowing a handful of Ativan.
My biological daughter has been stringing me along for the past 2 weeks about finally meeting my new grandson - only to tell me that everything she has ever told me since she tracked me down a year and a half ago has been a lie and to just lose her number.
I still feel dead inside.


----------



## moore2me

CAMellie said:


> I spent a number of hours in the ER last night after cutting myself worse than I have in quite some time and swallowing a handful of Ativan.
> My biological daughter has been stringing me along for the past 2 weeks about finally meeting my new grandson - only to tell me that everything she has ever told me since she tracked me down a year and a half ago has been a lie and to just lose her number.
> I still feel dead inside.



Dear CAMellie,

I am sorry to hear that the reunion with your biological daughter turned sour on you. Do you think perhaps she is unconciously punishing you (she made an effort to find you and then told you to lose her number)? From reading your posts, you have been going thru a rough time this year. The pressures you have described that are attacking your life have been fierce. It's good to hear you lived thru your urge to cut and take Ativan. You will be able to make it thru this episode and self destruction urge and hopefully with doctor's help, your spouse and other support systems - can improve your chances for long term recovery. I wish you a speedy and complete recovery for your mind and your body. M2M


----------



## Miss Vickie

Oh, Camellie, I'm so so sorry. I'm glad you're okay (alive) which means you can heal. Obviously your daughter has some deep issues that have nothing to do with you. Please stay in touch with a therapist and take care of *you*.


----------



## CastingPearls

CAMellie said:


> I spent a number of hours in the ER last night after cutting myself worse than I have in quite some time and swallowing a handful of Ativan.
> My biological daughter has been stringing me along for the past 2 weeks about finally meeting my new grandson - only to tell me that everything she has ever told me since she tracked me down a year and a half ago has been a lie and to just lose her number.
> I still feel dead inside.


CAMellie, sweetie, I'm sorry. I hope you have a swift recovery, especially the emotional part. Please believe that it's very likely, as Vickie said, that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own issues, otherwise why would she said that everything SHE told you was a lie? 

You probably don't want to hear this and you probably don't believe it, but you're an amazingly strong person for enduring what you have survived in the past few years. Now, you're newly married. Take care of you and your hubs and please don't be hard on yourself. This is only temporary. Things will get better. Hugs.


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## b0nnie

A few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Ever since I've been feeling moody and sad, I cry for any reason, I'm always tired and sleeping way too much, people at work tell me I'm acting weird and being too quiet...I have no idea if its just because I'm pregnant or if its because I'm getting depressed. I've never been a moody person and its just so hard to handle not wanting to do anything. 

Also, I seriously doubt its normal to really want to hurt someone just because they are being a douche...I have no idea whats wrong with me at the moment.


----------



## Surlysomething

b0nnie said:


> A few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Ever since I've been feeling moody and sad, I cry for any reason, I'm always tired and sleeping way too much, people at work tell me I'm acting weird and being too quiet...I have no idea if its just because I'm pregnant or if its because I'm getting depressed. I've never been a moody person and its just so hard to handle not wanting to do anything.
> 
> Also, I seriously doubt its normal to really want to hurt someone just because they are being a douche...I have no idea whats wrong with me at the moment.



Hormones. You should talk to your Dr. and see what they recommend you do.

And don't be so hard on yourself. Try and have a better day, ok? *hug*


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## Alicia33

I haven't been on in a long time, I have been struggling with this too. It's not a cry all the time, suicidal thought type of depression....Just a feeling of being down I can't shake, It is hard to explain how it feels. Seems like the only people that understand what you are going through are people that are going through it too.


----------



## imfree

Alicia33 said:


> I haven't been on in a long time, I have been struggling with this too. It's not a cry all the time, suicidal thought type of depression....Just a feeling of being down I can't shake, It is hard to explain how it feels. Seems like the only people that understand what you are going through are people that are going through it too.



Same here. I seem to have "seasons" of a few weeks to a few months in which I just don't have mental energy or creativity.


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## CarlaSixx

I've just been prescribed Zoloft after going to see my doctor about an hour ago. Anyone have experience with it?

He's switched me to this after having already tried 3 other anti-depressant medications. The doc said to me that if this one didn't work, then I would have to stop all anti-depressants completely and try things like anti-anxiety medication or something. That really worries me.

He mentioned Ativan and Seroquel as possible alternatives if Zoloft were to fail me. I'm rather worried as those seem like pretty extreme medications.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Hormones. You should talk to your Dr. and see what they recommend you do.
> 
> And don't be so hard on yourself. Try and have a better day, ok? *hug*



Yup. I concur. 

Bonnie, it is absolutely normal to have crazy mood swings during pregnancy, especially early pregnancy; the hormones can cause some major mood shifts, most of which resolve after the first trimester when your hormones settle down. But if they don't, please talk to your provider; you do have options and don't have to suffer. And if you have issues that make you want to hurt someone, definitely reach out for help.




Alicia33 said:


> I haven't been on in a long time, I have been struggling with this too. It's not a cry all the time, suicidal thought type of depression....Just a feeling of being down I can't shake, It is hard to explain how it feels. Seems like the only people that understand what you are going through are people that are going through it too.



Aw, Alicia, I understand. This kind of depression can be that much harder because it can just be so exhausting. Google "dysthymia" and see if it rings any bells for you. For a lot of people, since it's not "bad enough", they don't reach out, and it can go on for years, or decades. The good news is that there are meds available that can help. Sometimes we don't realize how truly awful we feel until we get treatment and get better.

Please reach out, both to us ((((Alicia)))) and to a health care provider. You deserve to feel good.



imfree said:


> Same here. I seem to have "seasons" of a few weeks to a few months in which I just don't have mental energy or creativity.



I've noticed this with some family members and friends here in Alaska. Most people assume that SAD affects people in winter, but many people are affected during the summer months instead. It can be that much harder and isolating for people because most people can't relate to having "the blues" during the summer, when most people are at their emotional zenith.



CarlaSixx said:


> I've just been prescribed Zoloft after going to see my doctor about an hour ago. Anyone have experience with it?
> 
> He's switched me to this after having already tried 3 other anti-depressant medications. The doc said to me that if this one didn't work, then I would have to stop all anti-depressants completely and try things like anti-anxiety medication or something. That really worries me.
> 
> He mentioned Ativan and Seroquel as possible alternatives if Zoloft were to fail me. I'm rather worried as those seem like pretty extreme medications.



Best of luck, Carla. I have had friends with good experience with Zoloft; each person's experience is different and I'm hopeful it will work for you. Ativan is a good anti-anxiety med, and Seroquel, depending on its doses, has lots of uses.

Try not to worry about the "extremeness" of the medication. If it works for you, that's what matters. We use both of these medications for lots of different reasons - from anxiety, to insomnia, to the more serious psychological diagnoses.

Hang in there. Thinking of you...


----------



## moore2me

CarlaSixx said:


> I've just been prescribed Zoloft after going to see my doctor about an hour ago. Anyone have experience with it?
> 
> He's switched me to this after having already tried 3 other anti-depressant medications. The doc said to me that if this one didn't work, then I would have to stop all anti-depressants completely and try things like anti-anxiety medication or something. That really worries me.
> 
> He mentioned Ativan and Seroquel as possible alternatives if Zoloft were to fail me. I'm rather worried as those seem like pretty extreme medications.



Carla,

I have been taking Zoloft for years now. I tried a couple of other anti-depressants and had minor problems with them (skin irritation, hives). Zoloft and I get along just great. If I accidentally run out of pills and do not get them refilled soon enough, I can feel my moods changing and I start to get morose. (Zoloft also now comes in a generic form which seems to work just as well.)   :doh:


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## Saoirse

Struggling with other people's depression actually.

I have a... friend? I dont even know what we are. I guess we're friends. But he's this guy that is so fun to be around and we do cool things all the time, but it he has this habit of pulling some ridic shit when we aren't together. A few times now he has threatened suicide, to the point where I actually went to look for him. The last time, which was last week, he was saying he was going to jump off the big hotel in town. He texted me Goodbye and then wouldnt answer. So I went to look for him. Maybe not look for him, cause if I had found him, there wouldve been angry words, but I did go to the hotel to see if anything had happened. I was very scared that I would go there and see ambulances and police, but thankfully no. I angrily texted him the next day and he actually called me a bitch and told me to fuck off.



An hour later, he texted me saying sorry and that hes been emotional lately. Sometimes I cant help but feel that he's using his depression to manipulate me. I dont want to think that! I always take suicide very seriously, cause Ive been down there before. But according to mutual friends, he pulls this stunt pretty often. He's done it 3 or 4 times in the 5 months that Ive known him!


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## Miss Vickie

Saoirse said:


> Struggling with other people's depression actually.
> 
> I have a... friend? I dont even know what we are. I guess we're friends. But he's this guy that is so fun to be around and we do cool things all the time, but it he has this habit of pulling some ridic shit when we aren't together. A few times now he has threatened suicide, to the point where I actually went to look for him. The last time, which was last week, he was saying he was going to jump off the big hotel in town. He texted me Goodbye and then wouldnt answer. So I went to look for him. Maybe not look for him, cause if I had found him, there wouldve been angry words, but I did go to the hotel to see if anything had happened. I was very scared that I would go there and see ambulances and police, but thankfully no. I angrily texted him the next day and he actually called me a bitch and told me to fuck off.
> 
> 
> 
> An hour later, he texted me saying sorry and that hes been emotional lately. Sometimes I cant help but feel that he's using his depression to manipulate me. I dont want to think that! I always take suicide very seriously, cause Ive been down there before. But according to mutual friends, he pulls this stunt pretty often. He's done it 3 or 4 times in the 5 months that Ive known him!



It's tough -- our depression affects others, as others' depression affects us. It sounds like he's really trying to reach out but doesn't feel worthy (or something). I know his behavior sounds manipulative and it may be -- but I would look at it more as the sign of a tortured person.

Can you talk to him when he's feeling better? Set some rules? Tell him that if he tells you he will kill himself that you will take it seriously, including calling 9-1-1 and maybe get him some help?

Poor guy, sounds positively awful, and terrible for you too to be placed in such a difficult position. Just do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and okay and know that as far as the bigger picture is concerned, you cannot be responsible for this man's life.


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## Saoirse

Miss Vickie said:


> It's tough -- our depression affects others, as others' depression affects us. It sounds like he's really trying to reach out but doesn't feel worthy (or something). I know his behavior sounds manipulative and it may be -- but I would look at it more as the sign of a tortured person.
> 
> Can you talk to him when he's feeling better? Set some rules? Tell him that if he tells you he will kill himself that you will take it seriously, including calling 9-1-1 and maybe get him some help?
> 
> Poor guy, sounds positively awful, and terrible for you too to be placed in such a difficult position. Just do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and okay and know that as far as the bigger picture is concerned, you cannot be responsible for this man's life.



I did tell him that the next time he pulls that, I am going to call the police. I said straight to his face that I do not like being made to feel helpless and when he pulls that shit, he KNOWS I feel helpless. He apologized and we've been pretty tight ever since. 

He did get a little emotional and tell me about his situation, and I get why he' upset... I just wish he didnt make me feel so terrible when he's down.


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## Lovelyone

My depression is like that weird family uncle who out of nowhere inappropriately taps you on the ass and makes everyone stop and stare in befuddlement.I can go months and months (and on some occasions years and years) without having any trouble and then one day something will send me nosediving into a depression spiral. Some stupid shitty experience that probably most people have in their lives at one time of another--and can handle easily--can bring me to my knees. I guess I don't understand why certain things can cause me more strife than others and why it seems that when the depression comes on...it comes so hard. 

I've made no secret that I am poor and have no finances to speak of...and on most occasions I can handle most anything that comes my way. Having no money doesn't usually get me down most likely because I am used to it, but I have my moments. I had one of those moments last week and one of them today. 
I try very hard to take care of the clothing that i have because I do not really have the finances to buy anything new. While on a site for a clothing swap I mentioned how jealous I am of the other women and their new treasures. Out of the kindness of her heart, one lady private msg'd me and offered to gift me something new off of e-bay (and even helped me choose what would look nice on me). Another lady asked me for my address cos she wanted to send me a top that she thought would fit me. These ladies were so kind and thoughtful but their generosity sent me into a little bit of a blue funk and I am not really positive why. I cried when the packages arrived, I cried while trying on the tops, I cried when I realized that there wasn't any way I could possibly pay them back, I cried because I felt guilty for letting them buy me something when I hadn't really deserved it, and I cried because I was so desperately happy that they did. Today I teared up while looking at them cos I realized that it represented me losing a little bit of my independence--its the only reason I can think of for all the crying. I couldn't have afforded them myself now...but a while back I could have and now it's causing me to feel a little bit of internal conflict. 

I try to make the most of what I have and REALLY try to stay positive and optimistic but I am confused about why this breakdown has happened when someone was being so kind to me. I am really confused about how consumed in tears I have been lately over someone doing something NICE for me. I could understand feeling this way if someone were treating me poorly, but no one is. so today I struggle. *sigh.

I do have to admit that yesterday I lost a family member and felt deeply saddened by the loss...but that sadness and depression is different that what I speak of in the rest of this posting


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## moore2me

Dear Terri,

You and I are about the same age, and one of the sources of our depression moods is menopause or hormone changes. Some women go thru it fast and some women go thru it slowly. I also believe that some things we are exposed to in our modern society can affect our brains and hormones. Some of these are chemicals like lead, mercury, DDT, dioxane, and chromium to name a few. In addition to chemicals there are ionizing radiation (like radiation therapy, Xrays, and gamma rays) and non-ionizing radiation (like what comes from high power lines, electric devices, and perhaps even cellular devices?). Add to the mix nuisance noise, vibrations (like heavy trucks & whole body vibration or driving on crappy roads), heat stress (yes, it can affect the brain too), and Lord only knows what we don't know about yet. Even losing weight can release stored up chemicals in the fat cells back into our blood streams. 

Now stir in some teenagers or young adults whose temporary goal in life sometimes seems to be driving their handlers CRAZY. Now add some of the largest stressors in modern life - a change of residence, death of a loved one, a major change in lifestyle, or a problem in your of a loved one's health and you are really tipping the old depression index in the wrong direction. It is amazing you are coping as well as you are. 

And don't feel bad about others helping you. People like to help others. Plus, it is one the things that makes our complex, crowded civilization work. And it is part of most religions - Be kind to each other. You in turn are just as kind to your family members aren't you? (Sometimes even when they need tough love too.) 

And about the crying spell(s), most of us have those too. I would start to worry if I cry most of the time tho and cannot get out of my house for a period of weeks - that may be a problem. I have made no secret of the fact I take Zoloft to keep my moods level and not too morose. My brain cells are a little scrambled tho due to the MS. But, Zoloft is my friend.


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## grubnboy

Surlysomething said:


> One day at a time sounds cheezy, but it's true. Every day you get out of bed is a good one and all the rest of the cliches out there.
> 
> And dude, music saves my life constantly. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the sweet, sweet sounds I listen to. I was listening to old-school Stones on my way to work the other day at about 6:20am. Blasting it from my car without a care in the world. Time Is on My Side was out before I was even born (1964) and I couldn't get enough of it in 2012.
> 
> Hang in there! There are songs to be written and albums to be listened to.




one day at a time is how i've been living my life for years. it's a pretty good system really. when you have a shitty, horrible day, you let it go and start again tomorrow. 

i know that several people in this thread have mentioned depression problems, and several have mentioned techniques and treatments they've found in their own lives that work. 

don't be ashamed to try the meds. i was for a long time, but once i finally caved and found something that worked well for me, it's been a good time. i went off my meds around november, and crashed hard. it wasn't until i went back on them around april, that things finally started to pick back up.


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## HottiMegan

I wish i could get over my near hatred of myself. I don't hate anyone but myself. I don't think of myself as worthwhile human being. I don't think i'm a good person. I'm selfish, manipulative and really just a generally lousy human being. I don't get how people can stand to even be around me let alone love me with the ferocity that they do. I just want to learn to at the very least not be disgusted at myself for so much of my life. I can be happy even with that little voice telling me how unworthy i am but it'd be nice to silence that voice or turn down the volume.


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## Surlysomething

I don't have any advice (not that you're looking for any) but I struggle with self-hatred daily. It's exhausting. I'm not sure why some of us are so hard on ourselves, but it is what it is. I could tell you how I think you're an amazing Mom who puts her boys first (one with special needs to boot) and with almost no family of friend support close by, but you have to feel that in your own heart. Plain and simple. I find small victories/moments in everyday life to be focus on. Like wow, I got out of bed. And I try and look really forward to upcoming events. I noticed that you talked about getting new Halloween supplies and you've posted pictures of your past costumes so I know your family is crazy about this time of year. Throw yourself into it and enjoy yourself! I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving (it's in October in Canada).

I rambled. But I really do feel you on this, Megan. *big hug*



HottiMegan said:


> I wish i could get over my near hatred of myself. I don't hate anyone but myself. I don't think of myself as worthwhile human being. I don't think i'm a good person. I'm selfish, manipulative and really just a generally lousy human being. I don't get how people can stand to even be around me let alone love me with the ferocity that they do. I just want to learn to at the very least not be disgusted at myself for so much of my life. I can be happy even with that little voice telling me how unworthy i am but it'd be nice to silence that voice or turn down the volume.


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## HottiMegan

It is exhausting. I do try to take it day by day as you put it. It helps. It also helps to have some fun stuff coming up to look forward to like you said. We're going to prune the front yard this weekend in preparation for halloween decorating. (we're making a graveyard) I also just volunteered for a parent committee at Alex's preschool so that will give me something to work on.. I'm going to throw myself into a crazy quilt project for xmas too. I want to make the boys crazy quilt stockings to hang up on the brick by our fire stove. (we've never had a place to truly hang stockings) Little things like this help me stay, for the most part, happy and out of the funk.


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## Surlysomething

For some of us, it's a struggle every day and my heart goes out to you because I GET IT. Dive into all those events and projects you have and don't look back! 




HottiMegan said:


> It is exhausting. I do try to take it day by day as you put it. It helps. It also helps to have some fun stuff coming up to look forward to like you said. We're going to prune the front yard this weekend in preparation for halloween decorating. (we're making a graveyard) I also just volunteered for a parent committee at Alex's preschool so that will give me something to work on.. I'm going to throw myself into a crazy quilt project for xmas too. I want to make the boys crazy quilt stockings to hang up on the brick by our fire stove. (we've never had a place to truly hang stockings) Little things like this help me stay, for the most part, happy and out of the funk.


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## moore2me

HottiMegan said:


> I wish i could get over my near hatred of myself. I don't hate anyone but myself. I don't think of myself as worthwhile human being. I don't think i'm a good person. I'm selfish, manipulative and really just a generally lousy human being. I don't get how people can stand to even be around me let alone love me with the ferocity that they do. I just want to learn to at the very least not be disgusted at myself for so much of my life. I can be happy even with that little voice telling me how unworthy i am but it'd be nice to silence that voice or turn down the volume.



I understand your angst and have walked thru the same dark valleys and low fields you find yourself in sometimes. I know it's hard, but when you feel yourself headed toward the "bad place" or "bad feelings" try to go to a different location or work on a different task. Surlysomething was right when she said to listen to music that elevates your spirit or work on projects that you enjoy. 

Another problem most women have is that we get very little praise for the things we do everyday. We praise our kids, our husband, or friends, neighbors and co-workers - but we may not get much for ourselves. What we need to do is to ASK FOR PRAISE. Make the men and children in your life tell you some compliments. You would ask them for water if you were thirsty or if you were cold, you would ask them to turn the heat up. Our psychological well being is just as important as our physical, so tell your family or friends what you need. If they don't understand - explain it in another way that they will.

I also give myself positive confirmations. Many of these are aloud at the volume that family members can hear them. When I have finished washing the dishes, I say in an inside voice, "Great Job Deborah you have washed the dishes and did a good job. You are a good girl." Or, I might saw you have vaccuumed the floor and it looks great. Good job." Plus, ask those you live with for compliments. How was supper? What did you like best? How did your clean shirt smell? How did your clean sheets smell? How did you like the clean bathroom I worked on today? Or about yourself . . . . How does mommy look in her new dress? How does mommy's perfume smell?

And one last hint, if I feel something is getting me down and I can avoid sitting thru it - I will abandon the trigger activity, For me examples of things that can trigger the blues are a
- a "bad" visit with mom
- when one of my relatives is having a day in "crazytown" and asks for help
- listening to stories about bad events or watching depressing movies.

Megan, You are already a wonderful mom & wife and are doing an outstanding job of taking care of your family. I admire you for your skills and dedication. Just spend a little more time on being nice to Megan too.


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## CastingPearls

It turns out that my depression might have a physical source. My thyroid levels are being adjusted by a higher dosage. Too low a dosage will cause depression. My doctor believes I may have adrenal fatigue (also thyroid related) which causes depression and is approving me to go on adrenal supplements and if my increased dosage doesn't improve, he'd like me to try a thyroid boosting med. He's also having me get labwork for cortisol levels which when too high also causes depression and is caused by, you guessed it, adrenal fatigue. He said the anti-depressants that I've been on sporadically for years weren't working for long because they probably were only masking this which of course meant it was untreated and getting worse, so it was like I was chasing my own tail, hormonally. 

We should be able to tell in two weeks whether or not there's any improvement.


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## Surlysomething

I hope they find some answers for you. It would be great if you could regulate something like that!




CastingPearls said:


> It turns out that my depression might have a physical source. My thyroid levels are being adjusted by a higher dosage. Too low a dosage will cause depression. My doctor believes I may have adrenal fatigue (also thyroid related) which causes depression and is approving me to go on adrenal supplements and if my increased dosage doesn't improve, he'd like me to try a thyroid boosting med. He's also having me get labwork for cortisol levels which when too high also causes depression and is caused by, you guessed it, adrenal fatigue. He said the anti-depressants that I've been on sporadically for years weren't working for long because they probably were only masking this which of course meant it was untreated and getting worse, so it was like I was chasing my own tail, hormonally.
> 
> We should be able to tell in two weeks whether or not there's any improvement.


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## Dromond

Tonight the Black Dog didn't just come to my door, he broke it open and took a big bite out of my ass.

Worst black mood I've had in many years.


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## Surlysomething

A really interesting article on Depression and it's "advantages".


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## Mishty

Fuck. :doh:


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## Surlysomething

I almost let my depression and the bullshit I don't understand about it ruin my long weekend. Good thing I had enough brains to give myself a good talking to and convinced myself to just let some shit go and be happy for the good things. It's Thanksgiving for crying out loud. 


Be thankful you wing-nut.


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## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I almost let my depression and the bullshit I don't understand about it ruin my long weekend. Good thing I had enough brains to give myself a good talking to and convinced myself to just let some shit go and be happy for the good things. It's Thanksgiving for crying out loud.
> 
> 
> Be thankful you wing-nut.




It's nice when we have the presence of mind -- and the distance from our emotions -- to tell the depression to go to hell!

Happy Thanksgiving!


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## Surlysomething

I feel extremely tired from doing it to myself as well. Like a ran a marathon in my brain. But I also feel relief.

Nice to see you around, MV. 




Miss Vickie said:


> It's nice when we have the presence of mind -- and the distance from our emotions -- to tell the depression to go to hell!
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving!


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## CarlaSixx

I still hate thanksgiving. This is when my ex and I broke up. Years later, it still hurts. 

And to top it all off, I can't even frikkin swallow my damn medication today. Been doing fine all week. But today?! Nope. Just won't frikkin go down. I'm on Wellbutrin now.


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## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I feel extremely tired from doing it to myself as well. Like a ran a marathon in my brain. But I also feel relief.
> 
> Nice to see you around, MV.



Yes, I know what you mean!!! It takes a huge amount of effort to be "okay" when you're not feeling okay. I would like to think it'll get easier with time (fingers, toes and eyes crossed). 



CarlaSixx said:


> I still hate thanksgiving. This is when my ex and I broke up. Years later, it still hurts.
> 
> And to top it all off, I can't even frikkin swallow my damn medication today. Been doing fine all week. But today?! Nope. Just won't frikkin go down. I'm on Wellbutrin now.



Aw I'm sorry, Carla. That sucks.  BTW, how are you liking Wellbutrin? I've heard good things but it gave me headaches.


As for me, I've been through several trials of meds and we've settled on Effexor. It's.... okay, but I have a lot of muscle twitching and insomnia. Oh and the sweating??? Oy. I'm hoping things will settle down soon though.


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## dharmabean

I am struggling with depression right now too. There's too much to post at the moment, especially with being so new. Let's just say, I can't shake feeling down. I can't breath. I don't want to do a lot of things I enjoy doing.


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## HottiMegan

My sleep is suffering really badly right now. i have gnarly black, sad/angry dreams. I wake up a lot. Part of it is my pre-period hormone surge but i am so worn out from waking up every two hours. I took an over the counter sleep aid last night but it didn't even make a dent. I wish I had something stronger for nights like this. I just want a really good night sleep!!! I can't pinpoint the thing/s causing me anxiety at night but i wish that anxiety would allow for a good night sleep.


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## Surlysomething

I believe that PMS is a HUGE factor in my struggle with depression.

Like right now, i'm wishing so hard that my stupid period will get here so I won't feel so emotionally fucked up. I hate it.


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## luscious_lulu

I've been off work for 5 1/2 months because of my depression. It's been a difficult go this time.


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## CastingPearls

Since my thyroid med dosage has been retweaked and I'm taking adrenal support supplements, 10K IUs of Vitamin D and have begun B12 injections again, the depression has almost disappeared except for short bouts which I'm handling with meditation, breathing exercises, etc. I'm off anti-depressants a few months and am taking Xanax less and less. I really think the thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies were key. So is the near-finalization of my divorce.


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## Miss Vickie

CastingPearls said:


> Since my thyroid med dosage has been retweaked and I'm taking adrenal support supplements, 10K IUs of Vitamin D and have begun B12 injections again, the depression has almost disappeared except for short bouts which I'm handling with meditation, breathing exercises, etc.



CP, I cannot express how happy this makes me! I'm such a believer in using natural substances to regulate mood, and am glad you've had such good luck!

I've been a huge believer of Vitamin D for my patients and friends, but because of my Sarcoidosis and the high levels of D it can cause in patients with Sarcoidosis, I have to be careful. But recently I had my D-25 checked and I'm fine so I can continue to take D supplements (4000 iu daily) without worry that it will make my Sarcoidosis worse. (Sarcoidosis is one of the few diseases which have contraindications for Vitamin D supplementation because the granulomas caused by the disease create Vitamin D, sometimes in high levels. Some patients with Sarcoid can't even go outside without getting sick (!!!) but fortunately for me, it doesn't affect me that way).



> I'm off anti-depressants a few months and am taking Xanax less and less. I really think the thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies were key. So is the near-finalization of my divorce.



It's amazing to me how we miss the obvious, the vitamin deficiencies and hormonal imbalances that are behind the symptoms we experience; we rely on antidepressants when sometimes it's as simple as being sure we have the nutrients we need! 

You're particularly impressive with what you have accomplished with supplementation!


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## Miskatonic

I have bipolar disorder. A lot of people refer to it as my "depression" but it's really not that simple. depression is definitely a big part of it, but bipolar is much more than just depression. It's been very hard on me. I deal with constant negativity inside my head. I described it to a friend once as trying to function while you're screaming and crying inside, constantly. 

My depressive states are hardcore. I'm talking total system shutdowns. I've gotten a lot better about getting up and pushing through the shit, but there are still days where I stay in bed all day long and don't leave my bedroom for anything. When I swing down, my anxiety goes through the roof, I become very apathetic and my thinking turns black and white. Nothing will ever get better so I might as well give up, that kind of thing. 

Still, the depression is way better than the manic phases. I just annoy people when I'm depressed; going manic has led to me losing lots of friends. Again, I've become much better at controlling it, but I get serious rage mania from time to time. Coupled with serious paranoia, this leads to me thinking my friends are all against me and thus lashing out at them. Then it all settles down and the depression kicks in and I feel miserable over how I acted and how I damaged friendships and then the cycle continues.

Being bipolar is super fun, you guys.

A few years ago, I decided that I was tired of letting my disorder rule my life so I've been taking steps to combat it. I've been seeing a therapist and taking meds for a couple years now, and that helps a bit. Recovery involves more than that, however; it's a constant battle of will. My will against the will of the illness. It involves having to push myself through the absolute worst mental pain around. It involves having to force myself not to stay in bed when all I want to do is die, and get outside, and go do things I need to do. It's a lot of work, and it will be a constant battle for the rest of my life. But I've come a long way. I feel much better in general these days. It still comes out to play from time to time, but I'm nowhere near as out of control as I used to be. 

It's a daily struggle but I gotta fight otherwise I'll just end up going nowhere.


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## Surlysomething

Miskatonic said:


> It's a daily struggle but I gotta fight otherwise I'll just end up going nowhere.



This. I'm all about this as well.

Way to go on fighting hard.


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## Miskatonic

Surlysomething said:


> This. I'm all about this as well.
> 
> Way to go on fighting hard.



A lot of people just give up and lie down and, well, I can't really blame them. Especially with BP. It's like walking against a jet of fire every day. But I've got plans for my life and they don't involve sleeping til 5 PM all the time.


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## Surlysomething

I'm very stubborn where my depression is concerned.

I have to get up, that's all there is to it. Shit needs to get done, bills need to be paid. Everyday anyone with a mental health problem gets out of bed and goes about their business is a win.




Miskatonic said:


> A lot of people just give up and lie down and, well, I can't really blame them. Especially with BP. It's like walking against a jet of fire every day. But I've got plans for my life and they don't involve sleeping til 5 PM all the time.


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## largenlovely

I've been binge eating for the last 2 weeks out of depression. I think I'm finally pulling myself out of it but even my anti-depressants didn't do much for this situation.

Me and a friend decided to start dating. He doesn't like big girls but he was really into me as a person. We had been friends for a couple years, a lot in common and so forth. I had been crushing on him the entire time. Welllllll....sometimes you can be friends with someone and have no fucking idea about all the shit going on in their heads. He was very open minded and that really appealed to me but once he started opening up about his ideas and thoughts, I realized he was batshit fucking crazy. I'm kinda kooky (no surprise there right lol) so I like odd individuals but this was too much. I was staying with him between Thursday night to Sunday night. So we were together so much that I was really starting to hear all his crazy shit.

He started telling me that he was supposed to be on meds but he didn't like them so he wouldn't take them. His family had him sent to a psych ward here for a week. Which I had no fucking idea about. He believed the government could read our minds and he was top on the list because he is ex-navy and was privy to top secret information. He believed that the government was eventually going to transfer our souls into computers. There's so much more...this all happened the last weekend we were together as a couple. Keep in mind that he came and picked me up and took me to his place that was about 45 minutes from my house. So I was stuck there til Sunday.

So, I'm trying to process all this crazed shit he was telling me (he was drunk btw and it was all coming out. He stayed drunk for 2 days). Then, to make matters worse (I know, you're thinking it can't get much worse lol....but it can). He started telling me about every single negative thing that he (and his mom) had found about me and wanted to remind me that he was having a hard time sexually because my large body confused him. 

It was horrible...worse than horrible. He was throwing accusatory questions at me like: how did you get so big? Why are you 38 yrs old and don't have a career when you went to college for so long? Do you EVER plan on going back to work? What exactly have you done with your life since college? 

All very valid questions..but the manner that he was throwing them at me, I felt bombarded and like I was on trial. I tried explaining that I haven't been able to hardly walk for 8 yrs since I fell off a porch and damaged my leg and then found out about being born with a deformed hip...and trying to recover from that and that I'm working really hard at rebuilding my life but man....it made me feel like I was a totally worthless piece of shit. 

The next day, I ended the relationship. He got so upset that we weren't able to make a relationship work (even though he said he agreed with me) that he started flipping out. He started shaking and said that some sort of external force was trying to take control of his mind and he could feel it and was trying to fight it off. I was trying everything I could to calm him down. He wasn't physically frenzied or anything other than the shaking. He was sitting in a chair but he was obviously freaking the fuck out. Finally, he resorted to taking his medicine that he doesn't like and we went and layed down and I held him while he cried. What the fuck?? If anyone needed some comforting it was ME after what he had put me through the previous couple days.

He felt really bad but the damage had already been done. I told him that it upset me but I wouldn't hold it against our friendship but I needed a little bit of time to recover from it all.

Today he posted some off the wall shit on my facebook that seemed kinda ambiguous to anyone who may view it but it still seems kinda off the wall. He seems to think we went on some sort of spiritual journey together during one of our conversations. 

I had no idea he was crazy. He can hide the shit pretty good around strangers. Hell, he didn't even let me know all that shit as his friend. He met my sister and she said that she noticed he said a couple odd things that made her take notice but she didn't think he was mentally ill. Which, that was exactly how I had always thought of him too. I am ok with people thinking outside of the box so a couple odd or weird things here and there doesn't bother me. But JHC, it was one of the worst experiences I have had to deal with in a very very long time. Since my mom had her nervous breakdown 20 yrs ago. 

So for the last 2 weeks straight I've been shoving food in my mouth. Gained 10 pounds in that short amount of time. I'm feeling better now that I've put some time in between the situation and now but holy crap. How do I find these people....

Sorry this is so long but I really needed to get it out.

ETA as far as the facebook stuff and our friendship, I try to do my best to guide him out of some of the crazy thoughts he throws at me now and some of them, I will just kinda go along with and humor him on it. Not exactly sure how to handle things now. I feel sorry for him. He's actually a good hearted guy normally...seriously, he really is. I know this situation doesn't sound like it but he's normally one of those type of people who will go out of his way to help somebody out. It's just kind of a mess because now that he has let his "crazy" out to me, he feels pretty comfortable discussing it sometimes...though he does have sane moments. A good amount of them even...but when he goes off the deep end, he's out there for a little bit. I dunno...its just really fucked up


----------



## LoveBHMS

Awwww. Melissa! I am so sorry to read about this. You poor chica for what you've gone through. The whole situation sounds like a nightmare and you deserve much much better. As I'm sure you know, the strongest steel passes through fire and you are a strong woman. Keep your faith and draw on support from those that love you. The Lord didn't take you this far to let you down now.

<3


----------



## largenlovely

LoveBHMS said:


> Awwww. Melissa! I am so sorry to read about this. You poor chica for what you've gone through. The whole situation sounds like a nightmare and you deserve much much better. As I'm sure you know, the strongest steel passes through fire and you are a strong woman. Keep your faith and draw on support from those that love you. The Lord didn't take you this far to let you down now.
> 
> <3



Thanks ...sometimes I'm utterly shocked at the strange shit that happens.

It was a nightmare for sure and I can't really *blame* him because he's obviously mentally ill but at the same time, man I don't need that shit lol 

It was for the best..I'm glad I found it all out pretty quickly while I wasn't as invested emotionally on a romantic level as I would've been had I found out 6 months from now.

But the personal attack sure didn't do me any favors though..at least I'm starting to recover from it now though but geeze louise.


----------



## Tad

Wow, LnL, that sounds horrific--I'm glad you were able to get out of things before it went farther, but sorry you had to endure that. Also glad that you seem to be recovering already--good resilience on your part!

Also, while you can't blame him for being mentally ill, I think it is perfectly fine to blame him for not being more forthcoming before bringing you over for an extended weekend. I can understand if he doesn't like how he feels on his meds, but he needs to accept that when not on them, he's someone that most people won't be able to handle in large doses (who knows how he is when he is on them). Case in point would be the attack/interrogation, if he'd been more in control of his thought processes, would he have subjected you to all of that?


----------



## largenlovely

Tad said:


> Wow, LnL, that sounds horrific--I'm glad you were able to get out of things before it went farther, but sorry you had to endure that. Also glad that you seem to be recovering already--good resilience on your part!
> 
> Also, while you can't blame him for being mentally ill, I think it is perfectly fine to blame him for not being more forthcoming before bringing you over for an extended weekend. I can understand if he doesn't like how he feels on his meds, but he needs to accept that when not on them, he's someone that most people won't be able to handle in large doses (who knows how he is when he is on them). Case in point would be the attack/interrogation, if he'd been more in control of his thought processes, would he have subjected you to all of that?



Well, I had been spending thurs-sun nights with him from the beginning, so for a few weekends. He would throw a few strange ideas out here and there but nothing like what he threw at me that last weekend together.

By him making it personal like that, I was able to focus on that when ending things. Had I just broke it off cuz I believed him crazy, it would've made it more difficult to maintain a friendship.

I hate that I had to lay all this out here on a forum but he's friends with some of my friends and I don't want to share this with them and create drama or cause them to not be friends with him. So I had to get it out somewhere.


----------



## moore2me

CarlaSixx said:


> I still hate thanksgiving. This is when my ex and I broke up. Years later, it still hurts.
> 
> And to top it all off, I can't even frikkin swallow my damn medication today. Been doing fine all week. But today?! Nope. Just won't frikkin go down. I'm on Wellbutrin now.



Sorry, it took me so long to see your comment about swallowing your meds. One trick that some places use to help people swallow is to take the pills with something thicker than water - this is commonly done using pudding or applesauce.


----------



## Surlysomething

Some painful memories were dredged up this week and things came to light after 30 years that should have never been buried. It made me angry, tired, sad and overwhelmed. I ended up taking a day off and pretty much just slept. 

My Mom brought it up to my Dad while I was there for coffee this morning (because I was worried about mentioning anything to my emotionally unavailable father) and it was both terrifying and surreal. I still feel sick and full of anxiety and exhaustion.



Trying to breathe it out.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> Some painful memories were dredged up this week and things came to light after 30 years that should have never been buried. It made me angry, tired, sad and overwhelmed. I ended up taking a day off and pretty much just slept.
> 
> My Mom brought it up to my Dad while I was there for coffee this morning (because I was worried about mentioning anything to my emotionally unavailable father) and it was both terrifying and surreal. I still feel sick and full of anxiety and exhaustion.
> 
> 
> 
> Trying to breathe it out.



Oh, no. That's just awful. I'm so sorry. I hope that by now you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm still a bit shaken by everything that's happened. But what can you do?

I'm going to try and make a trip out to my Mom's hometown in the spring..maybe that will heal some wounds.

Thanks, MV. 




Miss Vickie said:


> Oh, no. That's just awful. I'm so sorry. I hope that by now you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts.


----------



## Miss Vickie

Surlysomething said:


> I'm still a bit shaken by everything that's happened. But what can you do?



That's a question I ask myself as well. *sigh*



> I'm going to try and make a trip out to my Mom's hometown in the spring..maybe that will heal some wounds.
> 
> Thanks, MV.



I hope you can find the peace you deserve.


----------



## Mishty

Fucking disgusted with everything in my life.

Nothing makes me happy,and pretending to be happy for the people I love is wearing me down.

Two days of extreme,over-the-moon joy,followed by two weeks of crying,confusion,and self loathing. My meds obviously aren't doing their job and I can't afford to talk to my head doctor. 

I'm just so worn out from life. 14 hours of sleep,four hours of wine time,all topped with being stoned. I'm headed down a nasty path and I'm just barely human enough to notice. 


12 days till I'm 30. 
Thirty.
20 + 10 = 30
fuck.......


----------



## AuntHen

Mishty said:


> Fucking disgusted with everything in my life.
> 
> Nothing makes me happy,and pretending to be happy for the people I love is wearing me down.
> 
> Two days of extreme,over-the-moon joy,followed by two weeks of crying,confusion,and self loathing. My meds obviously aren't doing their job and I can't afford to talk to my head doctor.
> 
> I'm just so worn out from life. 14 hours of sleep,four hours of wine time,all topped with being stoned. I'm headed down a nasty path and I'm just barely human enough to notice.
> 
> 
> 12 days till I'm 30.
> Thirty.
> 20 + 10 = 30
> fuck.......



hang in there girl! Is there anything that you love to do so so much that can keep you busy and your mind off things for a bit? Walking, swimming, dancing, karaoke, etc? Like an endorphin rush? I hope you feel better soon!


----------



## dharmabean

*Here's a small glimpse into my life. This is an email from my aunt to my mother, in defense of me. My mother hates me, see. She has since I was a baby. She was going to have an abortion with me, and I've been told this since I can first comprehend language. Then she was going to put me up for an adoption, but felt "sorry" for me and chose to keep me. Since then I've been in and out of foster homes, as mentioned before. I've been abused to the point of hospitalization. My life, is pretty fucked up. I am 36 and NEVER going to get over it. It's been beat in to me. It's my predisposition.

Anyways, I moved across our state in part to get away from my mother. My aunt lives here and helped me relocate. Apparently, this pissed my mother off enough to email my aunt. I haven't seen my mother's side of the email, but you can gauge what it was about from my aunt's response.

I've edited names, including my son's. B**** is my son. R*** is my brother. My son is 16, and chose to stay on the other side of the state to finish school. I can respect that. It's hard to move when you're a teen two years away from graduating. My brother offered his home to help my son finish school. My mother refuses to let me live that down.
*



> RC, I want you to have a copy of what I wrote to your mom after the shitty e-mail I got from her. I hope you aren't upset at me.
> 
> Geez Kate.
> 
> She has nobody to turn to, and you've made it perfectly clear to her that she's not wanted by you, what else can she do? You can't just love her and allow her to make her own mistakes, you have to put your fucked up conditions on your love.
> 
> She is just trying to survive which is what we're all doing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow the fuck up.
> 
> Your daughter, the one you could have given to a decent family who might have loved her and given her half a chance at a normal life,is a wonderful, intelligent and beautiful person. Is that why you hate her so much Kate because ever since she was 15 you've despised her.
> 
> No, more like ever since she was 2 when every disgusting piece of shit you dragged home could do whatever they wanted to her.
> 
> When you come down off your self pity trip and grow up then maybe people will want to be around you. You really are not in touch with reality Kate.
> 
> She's 36 years old. Stop judging her. You fucked up every relationship you had now you're angry at everyone else who has one. You are so obsessed with your misery and pity that you truly can't see how much you hurt her, or how much she hurts because she has no father, no mother and can't provide a home for her only child. You want to atone? Start with your kids and work your way down the list.
> 
> Regan and I have had conversations about B*** and you need to mind your own business where her parenting skills are concerned. Look who she learned them from.
> 
> R*** is a grown man and I'm sure he can handle a 16 year old. B**** will be just fine. He has a chance to finish school, a roof over his head and people who care about him.
> 
> Regan would be helping out with his support but she can barely pay the rent. Would you rather she be living under a bridge or in her car?
> 
> You won't help her out without your fucked up opinions being forced down her throat.
> Give her some credit for god's sake Kate. She's done nothing to deserve the way you treat her and if she has, oh well. She's still your daughter. You brought her into this world, prevented her from having a normal life just to keep around and abuse. You think she needs to grow up?
> 
> Maybe you should have tried that instead of letting yourself get pregnant by a married man who told you he wouldn't provide for a child.
> 
> That really showed maturity.
> 
> Nice try.


----------



## largenlovely

dharmabean said:


> Here's a small glimpse into my life. This is an email from my aunt to my mother, in defense of me. My mother hates me, see. She has since I was a baby. She was going to have an abortion with me, and I've been told this since I can first comprehend language. Then she was going to put me up for an adoption, but felt "sorry" for me and chose to keep me. Since then I've been in and out of foster homes, as mentioned before. I've been abused to the point of hospitalization. My life, is pretty fucked up. I am 36 and NEVER going to get over it. It's been beat in to me. It's my predisposition.
> 
> Anyways, I moved across our state in part to get away from my mother. My aunt lives here and helped me relocate. Apparently, this pissed my mother off enough to email my aunt. I haven't seen my mother's side of the email, but you can gauge what it was about from my aunt's response.
> 
> I've edited names, including my son's. B**** is my son. R*** is my brother. My son is 16, and chose to stay on the other side of the state to finish school. I can respect that. It's hard to move when you're a teen two years away from graduating. My brother offered his home to help my son finish school. My mother refuses to let me live that down.



I'm sorry  *hugs* my mother is schizophrenic and has abused me from an early age too. People can tell you to forgive it and move on with your life but it's difficult to do when the abuse continues and their behavior doesn't change. People can say to cut them out of your life completely but you can never really escape family.

I hope you can find a way to have some sort of peace about it though. I avoid my mother like the plague but can't escape her completely. Just wanted to say I understand.


----------



## dharmabean

It's just gotten worse today. I don't want to get out of bed. Why the fuck was I even brought into this world? I am SOOoo damn tired of hearing, "Because "God" has a bigger plan for you."

When will that happen? When I die and I reap his rewards in heaven? Oh! Right, ya ok. So I have to continue to walk, and breathe, and think, and live in this fucked up work, in this fucked up body, where I'm unwanted by the one person that's supposed to love me unconditionally?


Gee Thanks god.


----------



## Tracyarts

Lately I've been feeling like life is passing me by, and I'm out of sync with the rest of the world. For the time being all I can do is try a higher dose of antidepressants and make myself be a participant instead of just an observer as often as I can.

Tracy


----------



## Surlysomething

After struggling for months after a breakup I had a meltdown last night and pretty much ended it all in my head. It's been doing me in, trying to rationalize what happened, trying to figure out what I did wrong, trying to figure out why I can't trust anyone and whether or not I ever will. Why all the men in my life have screwed me over with lies and betrayal. I almost have no self esteem left. After one last ditch attempt for closure and being ignored, i'm done.

I need to move on and I can't let an emotionally unavailable person ruin the rest of my life.


----------



## BigBrwnSugar1

Surlysomething said:


> After struggling for months after a breakup I had a meltdown last night and pretty much ended it all in my head. It's been doing me in, trying to rationalize what happened, trying to figure out what I did wrong, trying to figure out why I can't trust anyone and whether or not I ever will. Why all the men in my life have screwed me over with lies and betrayal. I almost have no self esteem left. After one last ditch attempt for closure and being ignored, i'm done.
> 
> I need to move on and I can't let an emotionally unavailable person ruin the rest of my life.



Surly - Please know that you are not along in feeling like this. I am going through the same thing. Just when I think I am over it, horrible feelings and emotions rear their ugly heads. I just wish men (and I'm sure women too)would realize how damage they can do. When I learned that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, it just about destroyed me. Yes I'm fine to fool around with in the privacy of his apartment (wouldn't even come to my house) but heaven forbid we go for a drink or a bite to eat though I see him out and about with tiny, petite women. 

When does the pain end?


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm sorry you're feeling this way as well. I wish I knew when it would end, I really do. But i'm putting a stop to my reckless behaviour regarding it, I know that much. 

I hate that our self esteem is so tied up in these relationships and with people that really have no business being in our lives if they're fake ass losers.

I'm going to try and have the best day I can TODAY. I hope you have a good one too. 




BigBrwnSugar1 said:


> Surly - Please know that you are not along in feeling like this. I am going through the same thing. Just when I think I am over it, horrible feelings and emotions rear their ugly heads. I just wish men (and I'm sure women too)would realize how damage they can do. When I learned that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, it just about destroyed me. Yes I'm fine to fool around with in the privacy of his apartment (wouldn't even come to my house) but heaven forbid we go for a drink or a bite to eat though I see him out and about with tiny, petite women.
> 
> When does the pain end?


----------



## HottiMegan

dharmabean said:


> *Here's a small glimpse into my life. This is an email from my aunt to my mother, in defense of me. My mother hates me, see. She has since I was a baby. She was going to have an abortion with me, and I've been told this since I can first comprehend language. Then she was going to put me up for an adoption, but felt "sorry" for me and chose to keep me. Since then I've been in and out of foster homes, as mentioned before. I've been abused to the point of hospitalization. My life, is pretty fucked up. I am 36 and NEVER going to get over it. It's been beat in to me. It's my predisposition.
> 
> Anyways, I moved across our state in part to get away from my mother. My aunt lives here and helped me relocate. Apparently, this pissed my mother off enough to email my aunt. I haven't seen my mother's side of the email, but you can gauge what it was about from my aunt's response.
> 
> I've edited names, including my son's. B**** is my son. R*** is my brother. My son is 16, and chose to stay on the other side of the state to finish school. I can respect that. It's hard to move when you're a teen two years away from graduating. My brother offered his home to help my son finish school. My mother refuses to let me live that down.
> *


 
I only just read this. That seriously sucks. I am, however, glad that you have a good support in your aunt and brother. It's hard when family doesn't treat you right since they're kind of inescapable. I hope your life starts to feel better with your move.


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm happy that I just learned that our insurance will have no share of cost/deductible mental health care starting next year. I will also get 90 day prescriptions, regardless of what it is, for like 9 bucks for brand name stuff. The only requirement is i also see a regular physician. So between now and the change over, i'm going to be searching out a GP and a psychiatric care giver. Hubs works for Adventist health and they're changing insurance to basically force us into having regular care (i'm sure as a preventative measure) to keep our premiums lower. I hate going to the doctor but it will save us like $60 a month in premiums and like $700 in deductible costs. 

I am finally reserving myself to the idea that i probably will have to take some sort of medication forever. My depression is making hubs scared. He gets this look of concern and stuff often lately. He doesn't like it when i talk about how i feel about myself. I can tell it hurts him. My kids don't seem too affected by it, i try my best daily to keep a smile going. The house is a sty because i have no energy and have actual physical pain nearly constantly. I know i can and need to do better by my kids. I need to spend more quality time with them. I am hoping therapy might help since i feel like i have no one i can really talk to about how much i loathe myself without fear of hurting people. It's also a chance at an hour of focusing only on myself. That's a rare thing.


----------



## moore2me

dharmabean said:


> It's just gotten worse today. I don't want to get out of bed. Why the fuck was I even brought into this world? I am SOOoo damn tired of hearing, "Because "God" has a bigger plan for you."
> 
> When will that happen? When I die and I reap his rewards in heaven? Oh! Right, ya ok. So I have to continue to walk, and breathe, and think, and live in this fucked up work, in this fucked up body, where I'm unwanted by the one person that's supposed to love me unconditionally?
> 
> 
> Gee Thanks god.



dharmabean, I hope you realize that your mother is very seriously mentally illl. On a scale from 1 to 10, I would rate her a 9 (from a layman's point of view). What this demented woman has done to you has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person. If she had given birth to anyone else - they would have been treated the same way. The more you can distance yourself and your loved ones from this woman - the better. You cannot fix her and she will just keep trying to destroy you. She is doing it irrationally but very persistently and malignantly (from your description).

Do the best you can to break off all contact. Think of her as a cancer causing agent that will destroy your good health. She will also try to destroy what good things you have now that you are an adult. I am amazed that you have turned out so well and encourage you to keep building your life and purposing excluding this woman. Do not invite her to your house. Do not take care of her. Do not visit her. I would not let my kids visit her. She may become physically dangerous again to you or your family.

And yes there are some fucked up people in this world. To live in this world in peace and with decent human interaction and a measure of a good life - you will have to declare this woman "Dead To You". I know this sounds severe, but there are plenty of nice people that will not treat you like this woman does. She is a shark who will eat her young. I can tell by the way you write, you do not have her diseased mind. You have a clear mind and a good grasp of how bad her behavior is - I admire your tenacity and ability to survive such abuse and carnage upon your young life - you are a survivor and you are strong - very strong.


----------



## dharmabean

Struggling pretty hard right now.


----------



## moore2me

dharmabean said:


> Struggling pretty hard right now.



Well, young lady - what is vexing you tonight?


----------



## MLadyJ

dharmabean said:


> Struggling pretty hard right now.



I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. A therapist once told me "trying to get love and acceptance from my family was akin to trying to get water from rocks". I know it doesn't help ...but please know that there are those among us dealing with the same issues. (big hug coming your way)


----------



## GTAFA

dharmabean said:


> Struggling pretty hard right now.



I don't pretend to know what you're going through. But I was thinking of this thread (which sometimes is a place where i talk about my own struggles) listening to a therapist address the challenges of the Christmas season, this morning on TV. He was talking about how damaging it can be that we're all supposed to smile, all supposed to get along like a Norman Rockwell painting. Our society doesn't properly value people who aren't smiling, who are dissenting or crabby or simply not part of that smiling majority (who, to hear the therapist talk, are maybe all phonies anyway). It's okay to be up and down. 

Lord knows, i am up and down like a kid on a pogo-stick. I don't know if that's helpful at all to you, but i take some comfort reading this thread, being reminded that others sometimes feel totally crappy, and as a result try not to beat myself up so much.


----------



## furious styles

relating with others is good. the disease can be so brutally isolating that it's good never to forget that others are fighting the battle in their own unique way just like you. it can be easier to relate about this stuff with people you don't know (on here) than the family and friends that you do, without preconceptions or influenced opinions ..

i've realized that all i can do to beat this thing is make art, often art about depression but that contextualizes things in a way i can't simply explain. it's healing and fulfilling simultaneously and is one of the few things that makes me feel useful, skilled, or worthwhile ..


----------



## moore2me

furious styles said:


> relating with others is good. the disease can be so brutally isolating that it's good never to forget that others are fighting the battle in their own unique way just like you. it can be easier to relate about this stuff with people you don't know (on here) than the family and friends that you do, without preconceptions or influenced opinions ..
> 
> i've realized that all i can do to beat this thing is make art, often art about depression but that contextualizes things in a way i can't simply explain. it's healing and fulfilling simultaneously and is one of the few things that makes me feel useful, skilled, or worthwhile ..



Originally Posted by Jes

I wish there was a board called: Let's Just All Be Fucking Honest With Each Other For Five Minutes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Furious styles - I like your statements abut expressing our angst thru art. I would like to add the forms of art should include writing, music, dance, and other artistic expressions that people can enjoy. (My uncle's therapist told him that he doesn't have to do anything with his writing - it would be perfectly fine for him to destroy what he wrote every day.)

And that brings me to the upcoming holiday seasons - I realize that Thanksgiving is an American thing; Also, Christmas is tied to the christian religion. But there are other holidays around the upcoming months that may rest uneasy on our minds and heartstrings. I have heard that there are several reasons for us having extra problems during Nov and Dec. 

The first cause is advertising and commercials. Note how many commercials show models in extasy over getting a certain sweater, or a certain pair of earrings, or a food processor, or the newest electronic craze. The message buried in the TV show, buy "X", look good, feel good, get love, dance, sing, be crazy happy. When you buy "X" and none of this stuff happens, you become more unhappy and maybe more depressed? You feel like a failure.

Another cause is family issues. We see TV shows, artwork, read stories and hear songs about the family sitting around a festive holiday table. When we realize that this Norman Rockwell situation may not happen in our life - we wonder what is wrong with me? My brothers and sisters, the times they are a changing'. Our families no longer live close to each other. Some of us are several days drive away from home. Plus, it is not unusual for many of the men, women, and kids to be from mixed marriages. Some have to go to their other familiy's dinner. And sadly, it is not unusual for certain relatives to carry chips on their shoulders toward random other family members & that means "fight". Lastly, June Cleaver's job has been largely abandoned nowadays. Not many women want to cook turkey, fix green bean casserole & pie while pop watches football.


----------



## dharmabean

There's just so much to post about, but the word "daunting" has been used a lot by me today. 

It isn't my family this time. It's me. It's my failures. It's my stupid choices in life that has brought me to this point. It's my "mate." 

I'm tired of being called names. But I made the choices to get to this point in a relationshihp with someone like him. I have no idea how to get out. I have no financial support. I have no family. I'm stuck.

I am stuck in a small town filled with assholes; and by small town we're talking about 2.4 sq miles; Population: 3,471. I am tired of my "mate" pointing out other women, talking about them sexually. I feel about as tall as a grain of rice. I feel as attractive as a bag potatoes. 

I am sick and tired of working four jobs. I interviewed for a full time and lost the job to the sister of a girl who works in personnel... it's the only full time job in this county that's been listed for 8 months. I lost thanks to nepotism. I was offered an on - call position.... That would make FIVE part time jobs. 

I need insurance so I can go back to counseling. I haven't had my eyes checked in two years, thanks to lack of insurance or funds. There really is no help for a "middle" class, white girl who's not on drugs, or doesn't have a litter of crying shit heads following her. Or.. who's not married to foreigner. Sorry if I sound disgruntled, I am.

The only thing i"m trying to do to pick myself up, is get address of old friends for our normal holiday card exchange. . . I've received three addresses.


----------



## moore2me

*M2M's response's in blue.
*



dharmabean said:


> There's just so much to post about, but the word "daunting" has been used a lot by me today.
> 
> It isn't my family this time. It's me. It's my failures. It's my stupid choices in life that has brought me to this point. It's my "mate."
> 
> *dharma, Darling, you have got to stop beating yourself up. Stop calling yourself a failure. Stop calling yourself stoopid. I think I can hear your mother talking when you do this. You have survived. You are well educated. You can make plans and move, even if it is small steps. Just start taking small steps. I would start would making other people stop talking trash about you. *
> 
> I'm tired of being called names. But I made the choices to get to this point in a relationshihp with someone like him. I have no idea how to get out. I have no financial support. I have no family. I'm stuck.
> 
> *Why must you be stuck with a man who derides you? Try and find a female roomate. If that doesn't work, try and find a room to rent in a older lady's house. (I have done this myself for a while when I was young. I also have had many female housemates.) I am not gay or bi - never was. I just don't mind living with other women. And yes, I have been kicked out a few times too - for housekeeping or for male comapnions.*
> 
> I am stuck in a small town filled with assholes; and by small town we're talking about 2.4 sq miles; Population: 3,471. I am tired of my "mate" pointing out other women, talking about them sexually. I feel about as tall as a grain of rice. I feel as attractive as a bag potatoes.
> 
> *My best friend in high school used to say she looked like a potato farmer - she was of German origin and without makeup she did - it was part of her heritage and her genetic makeup. It was nothing to be ashamed of.
> 
> What would happen if you did the same thing in front of your beau - making sexy talk about other men & giving him doses of his own medicine?
> 
> *
> I am sick and tired of working four jobs. I interviewed for a full time and lost the job to the sister of a girl who works in personnel... it's the only full time job in this county that's been listed for 8 months. I lost thanks to nepotism.
> 
> *Nepotism goes on everywhere. You could file a complaint, but then you might be branded as a troublemaker. You could write and ask general questions about the regs on nepotism in the workplace.*
> 
> 
> I was offered an on - call position.... That would make FIVE part time jobs.
> 
> I need insurance so I can go back to counseling. I haven't had my eyes checked in two years, thanks to lack of insurance or funds.
> 
> *You should contact the Lion's Club in your state. They often pay for eye exams and glasses for people in need. You should also check with your local health department and see if they can assist with eye exams and glasses - they can do this without insurance in my state. Also, a state run teaching hospital should be able to do this thru their opthamology department - call them too.*
> 
> There really is no help for a "middle" class, white girl who's not on drugs, or doesn't have a litter of crying shit heads following her. Or.. who's not married to foreigner. Sorry if I sound disgruntled, I am.
> 
> The only thing i"m trying to do to pick myself up, is get address of old friends for our normal holiday card exchange. . . I've received three addresses.



*Now the card exchange sounds like a good plan. Why not write a note to your friends asking about help with looking for jobs or a place to move? Most people find jobs thru contacts from friends. Get others to help you look. Make up a resume and send it out. When looking for a job, you should do something everyday to help with your job search.*


----------



## Miskatonic

I found out yesterday that when my best friend first started talking to me a bunch of our mutual friends told him that I was totally crazy and bipolar and had a tendency to freak out and go psycho on people. I had been in treatment for about a year and had my bipolar relatively under control at that point. That made me feel cool and nice.


----------



## HottiMegan

I try so hard daily, to put on the air of happiness. I try to smile and laugh and even when alone, i try to fake that happy mood i should be in. It's so hard. I am so unhappy and down. There's nothing in my life that is causing the blueness but there it is. My shell is cracking because hubs keeps asking me what's wrong. I want to keep the appearance of happiness to keep the family running smoothly. My greatest desire is to curl up in bed and sleep for a couple of weeks.


----------



## largenlovely

HottiMegan said:


> I try so hard daily, to put on the air of happiness. I try to smile and laugh and even when alone, i try to fake that happy mood i should be in. It's so hard. I am so unhappy and down. There's nothing in my life that is causing the blueness but there it is. My shell is cracking because hubs keeps asking me what's wrong. I want to keep the appearance of happiness to keep the family running smoothly. My greatest desire is to curl up in bed and sleep for a couple of weeks.



*hugs* I know how difficult this can be for me and I imagine it's that much more difficult when ya have a family. Especially how excited kids are during the holidays and they want you to be excited with them. I hope ya feel better. I am right there with ya sistah.


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## x0emnem0x

I've been struggling since depression since I can remember around back in 3rd grade... and I'm 20 now. So I feel your pain and everyone else that has struggled with depression keep on keeping on. I just wish I was a happier person but unfortunately my mother is also depressed and has to take meds for it, so needless to say with her not necessarily being the happiest person ever - it doesn't help me to be around her (and I live with her)... 

Just gotta keep on truckin'.


----------



## Surlysomething

Exactly. This thread is great because you can come and vent about it and everyone gets it. Welcome. Hope you have a good day.






x0emnem0x said:


> Just gotta keep on truckin'.


----------



## HottiMegan

I agree. It's a good vent with fellow sufferers.


----------



## GTAFA

HottiMegan said:


> I try so hard daily, to put on the air of happiness. I try to smile and laugh and even when alone, i try to fake that happy mood i should be in. It's so hard. I am so unhappy and down. There's nothing in my life that is causing the blueness but there it is. My shell is cracking because hubs keeps asking me what's wrong. I want to keep the appearance of happiness to keep the family running smoothly. My greatest desire is to curl up in bed and sleep for a couple of weeks.



It's so complex. When you're in pain, it's bad enough, without also having to explain about it. Often if i get busy i can forget that my neck hurts or my foot hurts. Depression is way more complex because i don't always know i am down. In a conversation about pain, how exactly am i supposed to make the pain go away? My main strategy is denial, and yes i know that sounds like i am lying. But when you're around others, which do you choose?
to let your pain show, leading to that "what's wrong" dialogue, which ideally could lead to sympathy & insight, but (in my experience) usually leads to a deep spiral of explanations of things that are sometimes unfixable (because most people think that when you know WHY something happens, you can then FIX IT... which simply isn't so for chronic pain or depression. Sad but true, but even more frustrating because it takes energy to explain).
to wear a half smile or a weak-assed grin (my usual face) so that people won't get me into that whole discussion
BUT... it feels so disloyal, too, when you're around family and loving friends, to conceal part of yourself. I will not let this also be a reason to be down, to beat myself up. I see it as a positive thing, an attempt to spare those around me. *So don't feel bad if you're faking a good mood. It's not just for them, but it's for you too. 
* 
...although i'd welcome comments about this. In this place --this thread-- i feel i am in one of the few places where i can be truthful.


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks for sharing. I feel like we're in an exclusive club here, so I really appreciate the frankness of everyone's posts.

*hug*



GTAFA said:


> It's so complex. When you're in pain, it's bad enough, without also having to explain about it. Often if i get busy i can forget that my neck hurts or my foot hurts. Depression is way more complex because i don't always know i am down. In a conversation about pain, how exactly am i supposed to make the pain go away? My main strategy is denial, and yes i know that sounds like i am lying. But when you're around others, which do you choose?
> to let your pain show, leading to that "what's wrong" dialogue, which ideally could lead to sympathy & insight, but (in my experience) usually leads to a deep spiral of explanations of things that are sometimes unfixable (because most people think that when you know WHY something happens, you can then FIX IT... which simply isn't so for chronic pain or depression. Sad but true, but even more frustrating because it takes energy to explain).
> to wear a half smile or a weak-assed grin (my usual face) so that people won't get me into that whole discussion
> BUT... it feels so disloyal, too, when you're around family and loving friends, to conceal part of yourself. I will not let this also be a reason to be down, to beat myself up. I see it as a positive thing, an attempt to spare those around me. *So don't feel bad if you're faking a good mood. It's not just for them, but it's for you too.
> *
> ...although i'd welcome comments about this. In this place --this thread-- i feel i am in one of the few places where i can be truthful.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I've read and been told that smiling actually tricks your brain into thinking your happy, so oddly enough from time to time I will make myself smile more than I want to and sometimes it seems to help, even if just a little bit.


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## Surlysomething

"Fake it 'til you make it." 

I do it all the time.
You'll find it's also contagious. 





x0emnem0x said:


> I've read and been told that smiling actually tricks your brain into thinking your happy, so oddly enough from time to time I will make myself smile more than I want to and sometimes it seems to help, even if just a little bit.


----------



## largenlovely

My depression has been increasing along with a whole lotta anxiety. I've been on a basic anti-depressant for a few years now. My panic attacks have actually become pretty extreme lately, within the last month especially. It has been scaring the crap out of me. My GP won't increase my anti-depressant so I decided to start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on Lexapro. Still taking my other anti-depressant as well. He told me it could take a few weeks for it to work and I've only been on it a few days but it seems like the attacks aren't as extreme as they had been. So to already start feeling a positive effect gives me hope. I've never had such extreme anxiety in my life. I really hope and pray the pills *do* work. I saw an intake therapist but don't actually start seeing a regular therapist til next month. Maybe that will help too. I'm honestly worried that talking about shit is gonna make it all worse.


----------



## Sweetie

largenlovely said:


> My depression has been increasing along with a whole lotta anxiety. I've been on a basic anti-depressant for a few years now. My panic attacks have actually become pretty extreme lately, within the last month especially. It has been scaring the crap out of me. My GP won't increase my anti-depressant so I decided to start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on Lexapro. Still taking my other anti-depressant as well. He told me it could take a few weeks for it to work and I've only been on it a few days but it seems like the attacks aren't as extreme as they had been. So to already start feeling a positive effect gives me hope. I've never had such extreme anxiety in my life. I really hope and pray the pills *do* work. I saw an intake therapist but don't actually start seeing a regular therapist til next month. Maybe that will help too. I'm honestly worried that talking about shit is gonna make it all worse.



I understand what you're going through. I know sometimes seeing the therapist can make you feel worse AT FIRST, but then it will get better. In the meantime, we have each other here to back each other up. You're not alone. I've been in and out of therapy for years and the one thing I've found is that sometimes I just need a little TUNE-UP so to speak. A reminder of the things I need to do to keep myself on an even keel. Try to think of this as a type of "maintenance" for your mental health. I know that I could probably use that right now myself but where I live you have to wait several months to get an appt. unless you're literally suicidal. At that point I've usually managed to scrape myself back together, usually with alot of support from my friends. I feel like the people here are my "cyber" support group of friends and I'm so grateful for them AND FOR YOU. Here's SOME {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. I've got your back chick.


----------



## largenlovely

Sweetie said:


> I understand what you're going through. I know sometimes seeing the therapist can make you feel worse AT FIRST, but then it will get better. In the meantime, we have each other here to back each other up. You're not alone. I've been in and out of therapy for years and the one thing I've found is that sometimes I just need a little TUNE-UP so to speak. A reminder of the things I need to do to keep myself on an even keel. Try to think of this as a type of "maintenance" for your mental health. I know that I could probably use that right now myself but where I live you have to wait several months to get an appt. unless you're literally suicidal. At that point I've usually managed to scrape myself back together, usually with alot of support from my friends. I feel like the people here are my "cyber" support group of friends and I'm so grateful for them AND FOR YOU. Here's SOME {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. I've got your back chick.



Thank you  the intake therapist made it a lot worse by diagnosing me with all sorts of junk besides depression even...and that upset me to the point of having to find someone to give me a xanax to calm me down since I had not yet seen the psychiatrist for meds at that point. Borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, ptsd, depression and anxiety. It's hard to get much more fucked up than that lol. So I guess they're putting me in something called DBT therapy but I won't start it until the middle of January. I think they make everyone wait a month for any meds that were prescribed to start working good lol

It sucks that you're not able to see a therapist. We have a number of clinics and such down here so a lot of stuff is readily available. I have a friend who could use a cheaper doctor and her area doesn't have clinics and such at her disposal. I guess I should feel fortunate that I'm able to have access to places that can help me out.


----------



## moore2me

I had listened to many of you in this Forum describe how isolated you are in the "grip" of depression. No one in your family understands you and you feel like you are letting your family down by not feeling up or contented. 

This may be further from the truth than you realize. Often depression can be an inherited syndrome or trait - however some relatives may be better at hiding it or rerouting the effects than other sufferers. If you draw out a family tree diagram of your blood kin and indicate which ones carried the symptoms of depression - you might be surprised. The key issue is who were carriers? Some of your kin hide it well and you (or others) never knew it was an issue.

Others that we plagued with depression, had larger problems that over-rode any mental issues and ended their lives early before the mechanholy sapped the person's life blood. Examples of these folks would be men or women that died in wars, died in childbirth, died from other diseases (like the Spanish Influenza), or accidents such as killed by horses or mining, or died from diseases that may not kill nowdays like blood poisoning, pneumonia, or tetanus. We also lost people to starvation, shipwrecks, and violence. These men and women that died early, could have expressed genetic tendency towards depression - it just didn't get a chance to fully develop because the person died early.

-----------------------------------------------------------

*A second family link that may not depend on blood kin to pass on depression could be behavioral, family customs, environmental factors, and how your clan deals with stress*. For example, if family members never talk about their problems and keep everything to themselves - this has to create some internal angst. Or if women are traded by arranged marriages to the highest bidders to older men this must include great stress for the women. Another example, if the women have to drop out of public school in the 8th grade to begin their jobs as housewives - more stress but it cannot be talked about. A final example might be men that come back from horrible wars oveseas but cannot talk to their wife or kids about what they witnessed and did.

So, you may not be alone within your family members experiencing depression. You just may be the only one talking about it - or you might be the only one living into your 30s or 40s (or more) due to previous other risks in our society. So, you may want to talk to some older relatives or do some field investigations about means of family members deaths.


----------



## Surlysomething

Worst i've felt in a very long time.
Scary bad.
+ Christmas
+ heartbreak



tonight it's anxiety + too much family too fast + upset stomach + don't care


----------



## furious styles

Surlysomething said:


> Worst i've felt in a very long time.
> Scary bad.
> + Christmas
> + heartbreak
> 
> 
> 
> tonight it's anxiety + too much family too fast + upset stomach + don't care



feel better .. don't forget that you're OK.


----------



## Marlayna

I've found that Prozac works pretty well for me. I used to get very down and stay there for weeks on end sometimes, now I rarely get that low, and the depression usually lasts about a day or two.
I've explained my depression to my husband, as "bad weather". It comes out of nowhere, then after a while, the sun shines again. It's beyond my control when it will hit.
I really should have taken anti-depressants years ago, I don't know why I fought it, it would have saved me a lot of sorrow.


----------



## CarlaSixx

My mother realized yesterday how much antidepressants changed even her, now she's pushing for me to always take mine. She didn't believe me that they work, but she found herself laughing and having fun so easily. And wasn't depressed about being in the hospital again at all. At least Cipralex worked for her. I'm on Wellbutrin now. It's sorta helped for smoking so far. Can't say much about the depression part yet.


----------



## Marlayna

CarlaSixx said:


> My mother realized yesterday how much antidepressants changed even her, now she's pushing for me to always take mine. She didn't believe me that they work, but she found herself laughing and having fun so easily. And wasn't depressed about being in the hospital again at all. At least Cipralex worked for her. I'm on Wellbutrin now. It's sorta helped for smoking so far. Can't say much about the depression part yet.


Great news about your mom. A couple of years ago, I decided that I was "cured" of my depression, and I didn't want to be tied to a daily pill for the rest of my life, so I slowly weaned myself off them. The depression came back with a vengeance, and it scared the hell out of me. I'm NEVER doing that again.
When I read about people in the news who've killed themselves, I always say, there but for the grace of Prozac, go I.


----------



## Surlysomething

I feel much better today. Much.

Hope you're feeling good too, Mr. 



furious styles said:


> feel better .. don't forget that you're OK.


----------



## Sweetie

Surlysomething said:


> I feel much better today. Much.
> 
> Hope you're feeling good too, Mr.



I'm glad you're feeling better today. I thought I was the only one who had depression the way I did. I thought that I was strange because one day I could be ok and the next I'd be so bad I wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Sometimes its so scary just for the fact that I never know how I'm going to be feeling when I open my eyes in the morning and I can't even say its because of what's happening in my life...so confusing..


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## thatgirl08

Things don't get better.. they just get different. 

Who do you talk to when you have so much to say, but no one to understand?


----------



## Surlysomething

Mine is pretty cyclical, but when I have a tremendous loss of any kind I go down pretty fast.

I have some great friends and family though and I try and embrace the good days. Today was one of them.


Merry Christmas!



Sweetie said:


> I'm glad you're feeling better today. I thought I was the only one who had depression the way I did. I thought that I was strange because one day I could be ok and the next I'd be so bad I wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up. Sometimes its so scary just for the fact that I never know how I'm going to be feeling when I open my eyes in the morning and I can't even say its because of what's happening in my life...so confusing..


----------



## Surlysomething

And today i'm back to the bad. 

Insomnia, panic, anxiety. Called into work sick because I can't handle it.
Driving to Tim Horton's at 6 am to sit in the parking lot drinking coffee and staring at traffic for an hour. Can't turn off my brain.

I think I need to get something sorted out with my Dr before it gets worse.





Surlysomething said:


> Mine is pretty cyclical, but when I have a tremendous loss of any kind I go down pretty fast.
> 
> I have some great friends and family though and I try and embrace the good days. Today was one of them.
> 
> 
> Merry Christmas!


----------



## Webmaster

Surlysomething said:


> And today i'm back to the bad.
> 
> Insomnia, panic, anxiety. Called into work sick because I can't handle it.
> Driving to Tim Horton's at 6 am to sit in the parking lot drinking coffee and staring at traffic for an hour. Can't turn off my brain.
> 
> I think I need to get something sorted out with my Dr before it gets worse.



So sorry to hear that. I've always loved the time between Christmas and New Year because it's the one week of the year where time just sort of stands still and no one expects anything much of anything to be or get done. For me it's a magical time, and this morning even more so, what with misty fog outside and the Christmas tree still all lit. I hope you feel better real soon. There's a lot of good things in life, though it's not always easy to see it and feel it.


----------



## Surlysomething

I used to love it as well. I think in theory I still do, but in reality my life isn't the same as it once was. 

And thank you. This too shall pass.






Webmaster said:


> So sorry to hear that. I've always loved the time between Christmas and New Year because it's the one week of the year where time just sort of stands still and no one expects anything much of anything to be or get done. For me it's a magical time, and this morning even more so, what with misty fog outside and the Christmas tree still all lit. I hope you feel better real soon. There's a lot of good things in life, though it's not always easy to see it and feel it.


----------



## Marlayna

thatgirl08 said:


> Things don't get better.. they just get different.
> 
> Who do you talk to when you have so much to say, but no one to understand?


I write to myself. I ask myself what's bothering me and I write and write till everything is out. Then I ask myself all the possible solutions to my problems, and I write down as many things as I can think of, some doable, some not.
I put it away and read it the next day. I circle the problems and the solutions that are viable, then I proceed to act on them. 
Just defining them, and putting them on paper brings them into focus, and I feel like I've "talked" to the person that knows me and loves me best, and I try to take my own advice. That alone will put me on a more positive path and can lift the cloud of confusion.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Yes writing helps, it seems to help me a lot. I have been keeping online journals since I was like 12. (I tried book journals, my hand hurts from all the shit I wanna write, typing is much easier). I always usually end up deleting the blogs after sometimes but I know that if I need to start up again I can, usually I use xanga... I just started a new journal a few weeks ago, it's seemed to help somewhat. Just write everything out.


----------



## Cobra Verde

thatgirl08 said:


> Things don't get better.. they just get different.
> 
> Who do you talk to when you have so much to say, but no one to understand?



If I knew the answer to that I'd be all set in life.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I used to have someone to talk to but recently they decided to cut me out of their lives so now I only have me because I finally realized once again you can't rely on anyone but yourself, and sometimes even that's hard to believe.


----------



## HDANGEL15

*I have been so damn busy running around walking dogs at 3 houses, over seeing my own house construction, adopting my own kitty/doggy ...that I failed to remember that I was out of EFFEXOR for 3 days....and was starting to tweak out.....by the time I remembered to call it in last nite at 6:30pm...I was sitting and crying in the grocery store over a series of texts....granted a friend did hurt my feelings and I felt left out....with proper meds I WOULD NOT BE CRYING IN THE GROCERY STORE lmao.....yes I can laugh about it today...showing me that they truly help me so much*


----------



## Sweetie

HDANGEL15 said:


> *I have been so damn busy running around walking dogs at 3 houses, over seeing my own house construction, adopting my own kitty/doggy ...that I failed to remember that I was out of EFFEXOR for 3 days....and was starting to tweak out.....by the time I remembered to call it in last nite at 6:30pm...I was sitting and crying in the grocery store over a series of texts....granted a friend did hurt my feelings and I felt left out....with proper meds I WOULD NOT BE CRYING IN THE GROCERY STORE lmao.....yes I can laugh about it today...showing me that they truly help me so much*



OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I used Effexor at one time and the withdrawal experience was the most horrendous thing I've ever gone through. It didn't really help me much more than the old standby Prozac but was way more expensive so I asked the dr. to get me off it and back on Prozac. If she had warned me of how bad the withdrawal would be I think I would have tried to figure out a way to afford it before I would have gone off. I'm glad you have your scrip refilled...relief is on its way.


----------



## Surlysomething

Effexor has a reeeeeally short half life.
I will be ok for a full day before I refill but after that the withdrawal is swift and horrifying.

Don't mess with the head meds.


----------



## HDANGEL15

Sweetie said:


> OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I used Effexor at one time and the withdrawal experience was the most horrendous thing I've ever gone through. It didn't really help me much more than the old standby Prozac but was way more expensive so I asked the dr. to get me off it and back on Prozac. If she had warned me of how bad the withdrawal would be I think I would have tried to figure out a way to afford it before I would have gone off. I'm glad you have your scrip refilled...relief is on its way.


*
I paid $18 for 30 @150 mg...I thought that was NOT too pricey....but I was in between jobs 4 yrs ago...and was off them and YES TWEAKING unbelievabley....crazily (yes thats a word, i said it is)....I thought it was caffeine making me feel WEIRD...how did it take me ALL DAY long to remember...I wish I knew who ATE MY BRAIN?*




Surlysomething said:


> Effexor has a reeeeeally short half life.
> I will be ok for a full day before I refill but after that the withdrawal is swift and horrifying.
> 
> Don't mess with the head meds.




*not sure what a short half life is...but after taking them I defenitely noticed the differnece after an hour...also was laughing and disturbing an AA meeting for that time period and playing with my friends huge 8 month old baby..which always makes ME SMILE SMILE SMILE *


----------



## Surlysomething

My Mom called me three times today.
I called her back after the third. I didn't want to really talk at all but...



I'm pretty sure she kept calling because she thought I killed myself.


Happy 2013.


----------



## Surlysomething

One foot in front of the other.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I'm in an okay mood as of right now...
Could be better but I've been going by that famous quote today: "Keep calm and carry on."


----------



## HottiMegan

Had a hard day today. I fled to my room at one point and threw my blanket over my head and sobbed for a little while. 
I'm having a hard time dealing with Alex. Most anyone who knows him thinks he has something along the lines with high functioning autism or aspergers. None of the professionals want to diagnose him. So he has these melt downs out of no where which just stress me the fuck out. I could just look at him and smile and he'd run off to his room screaming. Sometimes he'll just start tantruming for no discernible reason. It's so frustrating and stressful. All i want is my kids to be happy and not so distressed that they can't function. On a good day, when he is overwhelmed, he just retreats to his room and shuts the door and plays alone. 
The last three days have had terrible tantrums and outbursts. I am so down and stressed out. I think on Tuesday, when Alex is in school, I'm going to just cocoon into my room and be alone.


----------



## HDANGEL15

I just sold my house to a close friend- now everything is different
Between us, duh. Work is loAthesome or my attitude is. 
I had my first ever Yearly review in 3 yrs- and found out 3 minutes
Before I walked in that the 20 yr old roommate of our 21 yr old IT 
GUY WAS just hired and moving to financials; where I hAve patiently
Waited to move from legal for over a year! I have been totally 
Misled and the big boss told me I was NOT moving into that dept, 
Anytime soon!! So frustrated, had a serious meltdown in bosses
Office yesterday, felt like I wax issued an ultimatum; join the home team
Or RESIGN!! I am I over wrought, probably from stress re: house being
Built & changing move date 3 times now- as it's not ready! 
Argh feel so vulnerable, and persecuted at work which I hope is temporary
Insanity- remembering this too shall PASS!! 

Hugs to you (((MegAn)) xox


----------



## Lovelyone

HDANGEL15 said:


> *I have been so damn busy running around walking dogs at 3 houses, over seeing my own house construction, adopting my own kitty/doggy ...that I failed to remember that I was out of EFFEXOR for 3 days....and was starting to tweak out.....by the time I remembered to call it in last nite at 6:30pm...I was sitting and crying in the grocery store over a series of texts....granted a friend did hurt my feelings and I felt left out....with proper meds I WOULD NOT BE CRYING IN THE GROCERY STORE lmao.....yes I can laugh about it today...showing me that they truly help me so much*



I had a similar experience a few years ago. I ran out of meds at about the same time my mom passed away.
My mother had passed away three days beforehand and although overwhelmed with grief and having to plan a funeral--I thought I was doing a good job of being stoic for my family and holding it together. Then, I was in the pharmacy section of the local retail store three days after she had passed away. I really thought I had it all together but then I glanced over to the candy section and saw these two women (mother and daughter) talking about which candy to buy. The daughter wanted M&M's and the mom wanted Almond Joy. The daughter gave in and they purchased what the mom wanted. This tiny (but kind of funny) argument between two strangers sent me spiraling. It reminded me of me and my mom...and I lost it. I cried while sitting there and several ladies asked me if they could help me. I explained to them that I was grieving the loss of my mother and was waiting for my med prescriptions to be filled when I inexplicably started to cry and I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. They were most gracious and sat with me, stuffing tissues in my hand and wiping away tears that had been begging to come out for days. While it was happening I didn't care who had seen me crying. Afterwards, I was a little embarrassed by the whole thing...that two ladies picking out candy could push me past the point of no return. I am truly sorry that you had this happen to you.


----------



## dharmabean

HottiMegan said:


> Had a hard day today. I fled to my room at one point and threw my blanket over my head and sobbed for a little while.



Hugs hon... hugs. Love you!


----------



## FatAndProud

My lifetime friend of 24 years, whom I've considered my brother over my real brother, committed suicide on Dec 17. He had a plethora of problems. I understand why he thought this was his way out. He had three beautiful children that he loved dearly and were his world. The reasons he did it outweigh the reasons why he didnt.....but I miss him so much. I can't walk over to his house without crying and I tear up randomly. I got a tattoo for him yesterday. If I've learned anything, it's to listen to those that threaten suicide and not to take it lightly. He never told me he thought about suicide, but there were obvious signs that made me tell him that he needed professional help and that "chillin" with me wasn't going to make him smile like he used to. Plus, I stopped hanging out with him because he began to scare me....he talked to himself, laughed to himself, deeply cut himself in front of me AND had numerous scars in odd places. I tried to include him in my life as I moved for college. I feel guilty for pushing him away. He hung himself in his room. I was home. I live a hop, skip and a jump away. Why didnt I listen? I hope he forgives me. I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. I've been depressed since July because of graduating and having no job, taking care of my disabled mother, and living on a mere $2000/month for a household of three adults. I just want him back.


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm so very sorry you lost your friend. *hug*





FatAndProud said:


> My lifetime friend of 24 years, whom I've considered my brother over my real brother, committed suicide on Dec 17. He had a plethora of problems. I understand why he thought this was his way out. He had three beautiful children that he loved dearly and were his world. The reasons he did it outweigh the reasons why he didnt.....but I miss him so much. I can't walk over to his house without crying and I tear up randomly. I got a tattoo for him yesterday. If I've learned anything, it's to listen to those that threaten suicide and not to take it lightly. He never told me he thought about suicide, but there were obvious signs that made me tell him that he needed professional help and that "chillin" with me wasn't going to make him smile like he used to. Plus, I stopped hanging out with him because he began to scare me....he talked to himself, laughed to himself, deeply cut himself in front of me AND had numerous scars in odd places. I tried to include him in my life as I moved for college. I feel guilty for pushing him away. He hung himself in his room. I was home. I live a hop, skip and a jump away. Why didnt I listen? I hope he forgives me. I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. I've been depressed since July because of graduating and having no job, taking care of my disabled mother, and living on a mere $2000/month for a household of three adults. I just want him back.


----------



## FatAndProud

Thank you all


----------



## Marlayna

I'm so sorry for your loss. Believe me, you have nothing to feel guilty about, but it will take time for you to believe and accept it. I hope you can talk to a professional about this, because if someone wants to die, there's nothing you can do to stop them. I speak from experience. 


FatAndProud said:


> Thank you all


----------



## Mishty

I've got an almost paying job that my was made in my dreams,almost went on a date for NYE I just didn't because saying no was an option since I've decided not to settle,this other dude is sending me some awesome mojo,and my skin is most clear it's been in years..... but I can't be happy. I thought all the things I didn't have for a while would make me happy,at least a little and now things are looking up and I'm still just as fucking depressed as before. 

I just don't think having a good week,or shit a good day,is too much to ask for. Fake it to you make it....that's what may be pushing me under....making things murky and black...mind,body, and soul. 

I'm thinking I need a retreat in the mountains without human contact for a week.....seriously. Or maybe just staring at webpages of lovely far away places is just another thing I'm doing to cope.


----------



## Gingembre

FatAndProud said:


> Thank you all



I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))



I'm struggling with my boyfriend's depression. He's just had his first week back at work since xmas and, from what I can tell, it's been a busy, exhausting and "here we go again, I hate this shit" kinda week. I don't really know how he is, because I've only had 1 text from him (from which I deduced the above) since Monday. I know it's not been that long, but in the 7 months we've been together, we've always spoken at least every other day. I miss talking to him, and there's a gap in my routine where our conversations usually are. On top of that, I've had a pretty rough week myself and could really have done with talking to him (not necesarily about "it", just some distraction). I'm upset that he doesn't care about how I am at the moment; he doesn't know I'm struggling too, only that he doesn't want to talk to anyone.

I care about how he is and I want to know he's ok...I'm also cross with him, even though it's not really his fault, but I don't want to say anything that might make him feel worse. So I'll cry by myself until he decides to pick up the phone. It's hard because we obviously deal with stuff in different ways...and because as well as wanting some comfort for myself, I want to know if he's doing alright. We're 200 miles apart so I can't go round to see him...I hate this powerless feeling when he's not answering the phone because that's all I have. It's my birthday in 2 weeks and I'm going to see him. I've spent a lot on train tickets & hotel and I'm worried he'll cancel and say he's not upto it.

Sorry if this isn't really the place for this...I don't want to offend anyone who suffers with depression...I'm just having a bad few days and needed somewhere to offload.


----------



## Surlysomething

Of course you can vent here. Depression isn't always chronic, it can be quite situational as well. I'm sorry your BF isn't communicating. After having been in a long distance relationship as well (no longer), I can fully understand your frustration. I would get so worried and upset too when I hadn't heard from him and most of the time it was for nothing. I think there's honestly a disconnect with men and women and how they handle stress, and relationships...hell, just about anything.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Do some pampering things (baths, nails) that usually took my mind off of the worry.

*hug*




Gingembre said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))
> 
> 
> 
> I'm struggling with my boyfriend's depression. He's just had his first week back at work since xmas and, from what I can tell, it's been a busy, exhausting and "here we go again, I hate this shit" kinda week. I don't really know how he is, because I've only had 1 text from him (from which I deduced the above) since Monday. I know it's not been that long, but in the 7 months we've been together, we've always spoken at least every other day. I miss talking to him, and there's a gap in my routine where our conversations usually are. On top of that, I've had a pretty rough week myself and could really have done with talking to him (not necesarily about "it", just some distraction). I'm upset that he doesn't care about how I am at the moment; he doesn't know I'm struggling too, only that he doesn't want to talk to anyone.
> 
> I care about how he is and I want to know he's ok...I'm also cross with him, even though it's not really his fault, but I don't want to say anything that might make him feel worse. So I'll cry by myself until he decides to pick up the phone. It's hard because we obviously deal with stuff in different ways...and because as well as wanting some comfort for myself, I want to know if he's doing alright. We're 200 miles apart so I can't go round to see him...I hate this powerless feeling when he's not answering the phone because that's all I have. It's my birthday in 2 weeks and I'm going to see him. I've spent a lot on train tickets & hotel and I'm worried he'll cancel and say he's not upto it.
> 
> Sorry if this isn't really the place for this...I don't want to offend anyone who suffers with depression...I'm just having a bad few days and needed somewhere to offload.


----------



## Gingembre

Surlysomething said:


> Do some pampering things (baths, nails) that usually took my mind off of the worry.
> 
> *hug*



Thanks, T.  You're right - I just had a long HOT shower and I'm feeling somewhat better.


----------



## moore2me

FatAndProud said:


> My lifetime friend of 24 years, whom I've considered my brother over my real brother, committed suicide on Dec 17. *He had a plethora of problems. I understand why he thought this was his way out. He had three beautiful children that he loved dearly and were his world.* The reasons he did it outweigh the reasons why he didnt.....but I miss him so much. I can't walk over to his house without crying and I tear up randomly. I got a tattoo for him yesterday. *If I've learned anything, it's to listen to those that threaten suicide and not to take it lightly. He never told me he thought about suicide, but there were obvious signs that made me tell him that he needed professional help and that "chillin" with me wasn't going to make him smile like he used to.* *Plus, I stopped hanging out with him because he began to scare me....he talked to himself, laughed to himself, deeply cut himself in front of me AND had numerous scars in odd places. *I tried to include him in my life as I moved for college. I feel guilty for pushing him away. He hung himself in his room. I was home. I live a hop, skip and a jump away. Why didnt I listen? I hope he forgives me. I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. I've been depressed since July because of graduating and having no job, taking care of my disabled mother, and living on a mere $2000/month for a household of three adults. I just want him back.



This is indeed a sad story that you are living thru. Perhaps I can add some ideas that may help your distress. You mentioned that your friend had been cutting himself and in odd places. This behavior was scaring you and you told him he needed help (I assume professional help). You did exactly the right thing - a father with three little children, whom you say he "loved", must have been in the grip of some horrible demons to start making visible cuts on his body. What would he say when his wife saw the cuts? What would he say when one of his beautiful, naive, babies saw the bloody, jagged, self multilations? What kind of pressure or demon was it going to take to make him transfer these tortures to his wife or kids? I know you said he loved the kids - but everyday we see stories in the news where a parent loses their mind and kills their wife and kids. The fact that he killed himself is probably the best gift he could have given anyone - including the kids or yourself. * He did a brave thing in that he did not hurt the ones he loved. Take solace in that - yes, you and his family hurt emotionally now, but he may have saved your lives from what could have been*.

This one last part may be a little harder to take. You did not say if you best friend was a married man. I assume that he was since he had three little children. *If he did, having someone else's husband as your best friend is probably not a good idea.* If his marriage was foundering - he did not need another girlfriend with a shoulder to cry on. He needed to try and make it work with this wife. If this sounds cold and hard - it is. You loved this guy, but he married someone else - it was his choice. You should make your new husband your best friend. This will help your up coming marriage and help your new life work out with the best possible outcome.

*You should also spend 8 hours a day/5 days a week looking for a job. Make this you full time work*. Explain to your disabled mom how important it is for you to find work. She will understand. She has lived her life and she has sacrificed to raise you - you need to get a real job to support yourself. She can get someone from social services to come and help her a few days a week. If you need some tips on job hunting, I can help in a later post.* But, make finding a job your goal for the upcoming year*. Put your late friend on the back burner, he is gone - you are still here and you need to find work. God bless you in your search.


----------



## FatAndProud

moore2me said:


> This is indeed a sad story that you are living thru. Perhaps I can add some ideas that may help your distress. You mentioned that your friend had been cutting himself and in odd places. This behavior was scaring you and you told him he needed help (I assume professional help). You did exactly the right thing - a father with three little children, whom you say he "loved", must have been in the grip of some horrible demons to start making visible cuts on his body. What would he say when his wife saw the cuts? What would he say when one of his beautiful, naive, babies saw the bloody, jagged, self multilations? What kind of pressure or demon was it going to take to make him transfer these tortures to his wife or kids? I know you said he loved the kids - but everyday we see stories in the news where a parent loses their mind and kills their wife and kids. The fact that he killed himself is probably the best gift he could have given anyone - including the kids or yourself. * He did a brave thing in that he did not hurt the ones he loved. Take solace in that - yes, you and his family hurt emotionally now, but he may have saved your lives from what could have been*.
> 
> This one last part may be a little harder to take. You did not say if you best friend was a married man. I assume that he was since he had three little children. *If he did, having someone else's husband as your best friend is probably not a good idea.* If his marriage was foundering - he did not need another girlfriend with a shoulder to cry on. He needed to try and make it work with this wife. If this sounds cold and hard - it is. You loved this guy, but he married someone else - it was his choice. You should make your new husband your best friend. This will help your up coming marriage and help your new life work out with the best possible outcome.
> 
> *You should also spend 8 hours a day/5 days a week looking for a job. Make this you full time work*. Explain to your disabled mom how important it is for you to find work. She will understand. She has lived her life and she has sacrificed to raise you - you need to get a real job to support yourself. She can get someone from social services to come and help her a few days a week. If you need some tips on job hunting, I can help in a later post.* But, make finding a job your goal for the upcoming year*. Put your late friend on the back burner, he is gone - you are still here and you need to find work. God bless you in your search.



I have to say I do not appreciate your advice. Some of the things you posted are quite callous. You do not know my situation, his situation, and what YOU would do is not necessarily the answer to life and its problems.

I am not going to stop being friends with someone after 24 years because they get married. I gave him space to be with his family. I'm not a home wrecker. Furthermore, suicide is NEVER saving anyone or sparing anyone - how dare you insinuate that. Quite perverse thinking.

I do spend a lot of time searching for a job. I get denied frequently, as I'm over qualified and what I'm educated in requires me to move out of state. I can't move with my mother's health failing and my grandfather's health is failing. I help take care of my family - I'm not putting them in the hands of someone who couldn't care less if they pass. How dare you believe that I'm not helping myself. Ugh I'm so upset from your post. You don't know a damn thing of what I am going through. I just thought I could get a bit of relief from sharing with other people with similar problems - not be made to seem like a lazy, man-stealing friend.

Don't bless me. God has never helped me before and I don't think it's proper to call on imaginary friends only when you need something.

I hope you learn to be a bit more sensitive in the future. May the force be with you.


----------



## Surlysomething

Wow. (edited for forum content)




moore2me said:


> This is indeed a sad story that you are living thru. Perhaps I can add some ideas that may help your distress. You mentioned that your friend had been cutting himself and in odd places. This behavior was scaring you and you told him he needed help (I assume professional help). You did exactly the right thing - a father with three little children, whom you say he "loved", must have been in the grip of some horrible demons to start making visible cuts on his body. What would he say when his wife saw the cuts? What would he say when one of his beautiful, naive, babies saw the bloody, jagged, self multilations? What kind of pressure or demon was it going to take to make him transfer these tortures to his wife or kids? I know you said he loved the kids - but everyday we see stories in the news where a parent loses their mind and kills their wife and kids. The fact that he killed himself is probably the best gift he could have given anyone - including the kids or yourself. * He did a brave thing in that he did not hurt the ones he loved. Take solace in that - yes, you and his family hurt emotionally now, but he may have saved your lives from what could have been*.
> 
> This one last part may be a little harder to take. You did not say if you best friend was a married man. I assume that he was since he had three little children. *If he did, having someone else's husband as your best friend is probably not a good idea.* If his marriage was foundering - he did not need another girlfriend with a shoulder to cry on. He needed to try and make it work with this wife. If this sounds cold and hard - it is. You loved this guy, but he married someone else - it was his choice. You should make your new husband your best friend. This will help your up coming marriage and help your new life work out with the best possible outcome.
> 
> *You should also spend 8 hours a day/5 days a week looking for a job. Make this you full time work*. Explain to your disabled mom how important it is for you to find work. She will understand. She has lived her life and she has sacrificed to raise you - you need to get a real job to support yourself. She can get someone from social services to come and help her a few days a week. If you need some tips on job hunting, I can help in a later post.* But, make finding a job your goal for the upcoming year*. Put your late friend on the back burner, he is gone - you are still here and you need to find work. God bless you in your search.


----------



## Surlysomething

Good! Don't be too hard on yourself, lady. 



Gingembre said:


> Thanks, T.  You're right - I just had a long HOT shower and I'm feeling somewhat better.


----------



## moore2me

*M2M's apology and response in blue.
*


FatAndProud said:


> I have to say I do not appreciate your advice. Some of the things you posted are quite callous. You do not know my situation, his situation, and what YOU would do is not necessarily the answer to life and its problems. *
> 
> You are right - I do not know your situation, or your late friend's situation - I only know what few facts you put in your post. I apologize for offending you in your time of grief. I did not intend to insult you. I repeat that I think you did the right things in how you handled this bad situation.
> 
> *I am not going to stop being friends with someone after 24 years because they get married.
> 
> *You are absolutely right about this - friends are friends for life, regardless of whether you are the same sex or of different sexes. Having a good friend is a wonderful blessing and everyone needs at least one, more is better.*
> 
> I gave him space to be with his family. I'm not a home wrecker.
> 
> *I do not think you had any intent to be a home wrecker. However, I think most men are weak when it comes to controlling their basic urges - it's in their "jeans". Also, some guys don't need to physically carry out the act to be unfaithful to their wives.*
> 
> Furthermore, suicide is NEVER saving anyone or sparing anyone - how dare you insinuate that. Quite perverse thinking.
> 
> *I plead guilty on the above count - having someone lose their life is no way to resolve any problem - ever. I should not have said that. It is just that we have had several parents do the unthinkable and kill their young children in my state in the past couple of years. It always leaves the survivors wondering, why did he/she do such a thing? how could that have been prevented? How could someone have helped those poor kids?*
> 
> 
> I do spend a lot of time searching for a job. I get denied frequently, as I'm over qualified and what I'm educated in requires me to move out of state. I can't move with my mother's health failing and my grandfather's health is failing. I help take care of my family - I'm not putting them in the hands of someone who couldn't care less if they pass. How dare you believe that I'm not helping myself. Ugh I'm so upset from your post. You don't know a damn thing of what I am going through. I just thought I could get a bit of relief from sharing with other people with similar problems - not be made to seem like a lazy, man-stealing friend.
> 
> *Fat and Proud - I do not think you are lazy, nor do I think you are not helping yourself. By volunteering to take care of both your mom and your grandfather, you are definitely not lazy - fat from it. Most daughters and grand daughters would not have so much resolve and work ethic. I was suggesting that when you said you could not find a job - this was a way to find one.
> 
> I based this information on what I learned as an office manager and supervisor of about thirty people in my last job. I watched what helped people get work and what did not. I was just trying to pass on some advice. Some of the folks on this board work as case workers and in-home health care aids and they do care about their charges - if we find someone who is insensitive to older adults or harms older people - it should be reported to social services or law enforcement ASAP.
> 
> 
> *Don't bless me. God has never helped me before and I don't think it's proper to call on imaginary friends only when you need something.
> 
> I hope you learn to be a bit more sensitive in the future. May the force be with you.


 *And with you*.


----------



## Marlayna

Surlysomething said:


> Really? Go for it.
> 
> I do more in the first hour of my day than you do all month. The thought that you bring anything to this place other than the shining glimmer of hope that is a meatloaf sandwich is just hilarious. Haha. Have fun sitting in your bedroom tomorrow while i'm at work and shopping and going to the bank and stopping for gas and and and and and...


I really think you should check yourself.


----------



## Surlysomething

Because i'm truthful and honest? No, I don't think I will.


I don't sugarcoat.
You can all live in that world, I live in the real one.




Marlayna said:


> I really think you should check yourself.


----------



## Marlayna

Surlysomething said:


> Because i'm truthful and honest? No, I don't think I will.
> 
> 
> I don't sugarcoat.
> You can all live in that world, I live in the real one.


Just a suggestion, because you're not coming off too well tonight.


----------



## dharmabean

Lovelyone said:


> Wow you really are something aren't you?



Don't feed into it, she's a troll. You don't need to explain to her, or anybody, what YOU do with YOUR time. She's miserable. Take the advice given to me, just ignore it. You're giving her what she wants, a reaction. She's a cyber bully. They love to dominate and intimidate other people. They prefer to take control of situations rather than follow others. Cyber bullies illustrate signs of aggressive behavior towards peers that are both intentional and repetitive.

If anything, feel sorry for her. Something in her life makes her that horribly inept to deal with people on a personal basis. Either it's something like borderline personality disorder, or complete and total ineptitude. Don't feed into it.


----------



## Lovelyone

no one needs to feel sorry for her, she feels sorry enough for herself for all of us. It's quite apparent that she's lonely and bitter...and bound to stay that way judging by how she reacts with people. 




dharmabean said:


> Don't feed into it, she's a troll. You don't need to explain to her, or anybody, what YOU do with YOUR time. She's miserable. Take the advice given to me, just ignore it. You're giving her what she wants, a reaction. She's a cyber bully. They love to dominate and intimidate other people. They prefer to take control of situations rather than follow others. Cyber bullies illustrate signs of aggressive behavior towards peers that are both intentional and repetitive.
> 
> If anything, feel sorry for her. Something in her life makes her that horribly inept to deal with people on a personal basis. Either it's something like borderline personality disorder, or complete and total ineptitude. Don't feed into it.


----------



## Diana_Prince245

Well, this thread got really ugly.


----------



## FatAndProud

I want to apologize  I'm sorry everyone


----------



## Cobra Verde

You haven't done anything wrong.


----------



## dharmabean

Diana_Prince245 said:


> Well, this thread got really ugly.


Yep.



FatAndProud said:


> I want to apologize  I'm sorry everyone


You have nothing to apologize for. You posted your struggles in this thread, then stated your stance in regards to a comment, but you did nothing wrong.



Cobra Verde said:


> You haven't done anything wrong.


Exactly.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I'll just say there is only one person on this thread that I see as lame right now...


----------



## moore2me

Surly Dear,

I know of your situation and the situation of some of the other girls on this Board. I live with MS as do you but have been doing it much longer than most people around here. When you start bragging about going to work, spending money, shopping, buying gas, etc. and telling someone else that this makes one a better person and superior - - be very, very careful what of the web you spin for others. You may find yourself stuck in it one day. 

MS is just fickle enough to snatch everything you mentioned in a week's or a day's time. And it can do it in a manner that can break your heart. I know - it did it to me. So when you run into people like me who appear to be "losers" in the game of life - you might want to watch and learn - you might find yourself playing the same hand we have been dealt and it wouldn't hurt to know how to survive on a lot less material stuff, physical health, independence, working brain cells, and even ability to type, spell, and remember things you learned last week.


----------



## Gingembre

FatAndProud said:


> I want to apologize  I'm sorry everyone



Don't you dare apologise! This mess isn't your fault x


----------



## bbwfairygirl

FatAndProud said:


> I want to apologize  I'm sorry everyone





Gingembre said:


> Don't you dare apologise! This mess isn't your fault x



Wow, please don't feel you need to apologize for the behavior of others. Or for standing up for how you feel or, for just having feelings.

Suicide sucks. Period. Dealing with the "why" factor. The "what could I have done" aspect, etc. My stepkids still have moments of serious "processing" and it's been over 20 yrs since their mom's suicide. 

I hope you have people who are supportive of how you feel. Especially with other stresses in your life. Life can really f*cking suck sometimes and there's nothing wrong with being angry about it, sad, frustrated, depressed, etc.


----------



## one2one

FatAndProud said:


> I want to apologize  I'm sorry everyone



Im so sorry youre grieving the loss of your friend, and I dont think you have anything for which you need to apologize. Its healthy and courageous to talk about it and find ways to help yourself through it. One of my grandmothers took her own life, and I know that it is a different kind of loss with unique challenges. Not the least of which is finding a safe place to do that when many people feel very uncomfortable with suicide or entirely at a loss as to how to respond to something that is harder to understand than cancer or a car accident. It makes perfect sense to me that this thread might be a place for you to do that. You haven't done anything wrong, and I wish you comfort and peace.


----------



## CastingPearls

Well....this has been interesting.

In my corner of the world, it's been determined chemically or alchemically depending on who I'm listening to, that any depression I feel is not chemical, at best situational and really stems from anxiety and PTSD which is being treated with an anti-anxiety med and therapy. I'd like to note that I'm not particularly comfortable posting this here because I feel this thread has been compromised but a lot of my friends are here too so....

The problem with the anti-anxiety med is that it makes me fall asleep. Even when I halve it. There is no other that I've tried that's works as well, and no anti-depressant will work because of the nature of the beast. I've tried them all and my med professionals won't give me any of the big batters and I agree with them on that. So meditation, affirmations, not attending every argument I'm invited to, putting people on permanent ignore, spending less time online, more time outdoors, suspending my FB account, etc. have all been contributing toward a solution or relief.

I have court on the 29th. It's a very big deal. I'm missing the communication with my best buds online, especially their support. But I know I have much to accomplish before I reactivate my FB account. I can't have both just yet.

EDT: FatandProud, I'm sorry, babe. *hugs* to you and to all that need it. No need to apologize. Not here, not ever.


----------



## Diana_Prince245

CastingPearls said:


> Well....this has been interesting.
> 
> In my corner of the world, it's been determined chemically or alchemically depending on who I'm listening to, that any depression I feel is not chemical, at best situational and really stems from anxiety and PTSD which is being treated with an anti-anxiety med and therapy. I'd like to note that I'm not particularly comfortable posting this here because I feel this thread has been compromised but a lot of my friends are here too so....
> 
> The problem with the anti-anxiety med is that it makes me fall asleep. Even when I halve it. There is no other that I've tried that's works as well, and no anti-depressant will work because of the nature of the beast. I've tried them all and my med professionals won't give me any of the big batters and I agree with them on that. So meditation, affirmations, not attending every argument I'm invited to, putting people on permanent ignore, spending less time online, more time outdoors, suspending my FB account, etc. have all been contributing toward a solution or relief.
> 
> I have court on the 29th. It's a very big deal. I'm missing the communication with my best buds online, especially their support. But I know I have much to accomplish before I reactivate my FB account. I can't have both just yet.
> 
> EDT: FatandProud, I'm sorry, babe. *hugs* to you and to all that need it. No need to apologize. Not here, not ever.



CP, I had the same problem with the anti-anxiety drug I was given for PTSD several years ago. It's among the most common side effects for those types of drugs. I wish I could tell you there was a way to counteract the sleepiness, but I've not heard of any. I hope that therapy allows you to cycle off it soon, so you can get back to a regular sleep schedule. Hugs!

EDIT: And I hope your court date goes well.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I feel like my life is so shitty that I gave myself a goal/deadline.

If my life hasn't improved by next year, I go ahead with plans to die.

I can't tell people about this IRL. They just laugh at me.


----------



## AuntHen

CarlaSixx said:


> I feel like my life is so shitty that I gave myself a goal/deadline.
> 
> If my life hasn't improved by next year, I go ahead with plans to die.
> 
> I can't tell people about this IRL. They just laugh at me.




Carla, I truly understand wanting to end it all as I have been there before in my life. However, I have always felt like my life is not mine to take and it would cause so much pain to my family and anyone that may care about me, so I could not do that.

Is there any way for you to not look so far ahead and maybe just take it "one day at a time"? Every day look for something that makes you smile or is a blessing? Like, the taste of chocolate... the sunlight glistening over a lake... the sweet face of a fat baby in a stroller... the beautiful sound of a cello playing classical notes...

I do not know your situation but I hope it gets better and you can find contentedness! <hugs>


----------



## Marlayna

CarlaSixx said:


> I feel like my life is so shitty that I gave myself a goal/deadline.
> 
> If my life hasn't improved by next year, I go ahead with plans to die.
> 
> I can't tell people about this IRL. They just laugh at me.


Things go in cycles, and even in shitty years there's some good stuff, then out of nowhere comes the good years. It's how life works.
You should speak to a therapist, if you haven't already.


----------



## CarlaSixx

Marlayna said:


> Things go in cycles, and even in shitty years there's some good stuff, then out of nowhere comes the good years. It's how life works.
> You should speak to a therapist, if you haven't already.



I do. Every week now for three years. 
Does it help? Not one bit. 
I always leave feeling worse and worse.


----------



## Marlayna

CarlaSixx said:


> I do. Every week now for three years.
> Does it help? Not one bit.
> I always leave feeling worse and worse.


It sounds like you may need to switch therapists. I haven't gone much, just when something happens that is too overwhelming for me to deal with on my own, but I've had a male one and I've had a female one, and I think if I ever have go again, I'd pick a woman. She gave me better advice.
Are you seeing a male?


----------



## CarlaSixx

A female. I've been through plenty of therapists already. Mostly female. 
I don't like female doctors of any sort, but because of the Program I am in, I have to take what I am given. I have a male family doc, and my psychiatrist was male.


----------



## FatAndProud

Talk to your best friend. Tell them how you been feeling. Let people know you're hurting. Let people be in your life. Because I'll tell you what, ever since my friend hung himself, I've done nothing but analyze the situation, cry endlessly but ultimately realize he only hurt himself. He cut himself out of my life, his family's life, his children's lives.....and for what? Because he was miserable....but he executed a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I would do anything to get one of his hugs again or to hear his raunchy humor....it's not worth taking your life. Allow someone to hear your problems. Stop worrying that people don't care about you. Someone does. Trust that person enough to lean on so they can be there for you! Please!


----------



## CarlaSixx

My problem is that I don't trust anyone in my personal life enough to talk to them about anything serious. if its not gossip, clothes, or boys, they don't wanna hear it.


----------



## furious styles

i feel like i don't ever learn anything from this stupid disorder. i always end up falling to pieces in the exact same ways.


----------



## Surlysomething

I think that's the worst part of it. The cycles rolling over and over.

Don't be hard on yourself though...you're not alone.

*hug*



furious styles said:


> i feel like i don't ever learn anything from this stupid disorder. i always end up falling to pieces in the exact same ways.


----------



## furious styles

Surlysomething said:


> I think that's the worst part of it. The cycles rolling over and over.
> 
> Don't be hard on yourself though...you're not alone.
> 
> *hug*



doing better today. thanks ss <3


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm glad.

Try and remind yourself...._this too shall pass_ when you're feeling down. 





furious styles said:


> doing better today. thanks ss <3


----------



## HottiMegan

I just took my first pill of Effexor. I'm on a really low dose for a week and step it up next. I hope it helps..


----------



## CarlaSixx

I probably should go back on meds. But with many missed days all the time... it's almost like "what's the point?" kind of thing. 

Sigh... 

It's gotten so bad that I've left parties in the middle of the action. I've been sleeping a whole lot. I called in sick to work just to stay home and stare blankly at my bedroom ceiling. I just... can't function right now.


----------



## snuggletiger

Ive been feeling down for about the last month. Im going to see a therapist. The therapist probably won't be able to fix it. And thats ok, Im just hoping I can learn some coping skills and try to regroup.


----------



## Surlysomething

I haven't felt this consistently good in a LONG time.

Getting some of my health conditions under better control has REALLY, REALLY done wonders for my mood. I can only imagine it getting better once I start going to the gym. (this isn't some big weight loss journey, btw). The exercise is to help my stability and balance for my MS and to keep my sugars better in check for my Diabetes. And well...to just feel better.


One day at a time and all that.


----------



## HottiMegan

Surlysomething said:


> I haven't felt this consistently good in a LONG time.
> 
> Getting some of my health conditions under better control has REALLY, REALLY done wonders for my mood. I can only imagine it getting better once I start going to the gym. (this isn't some big weight loss journey, btw). The exercise is to help my stability and balance for my MS and to keep my sugars better in check for my Diabetes. And well...to just feel better.
> 
> 
> One day at a time and all that.



Glad to see it  You deserve a break.

I'm going to start martial arts this week. I'm hoping it will be therapeutic, kicking and punching the crap out of a bag. I was supposed to start last week but Max got real sick all of a sudden so we stayed home. 
I'm almost done with week one of Effexor. So far no real change. He said it could take like a month.


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks, Megan. 


Hang in there with the Effexor. And good luck with the martial arts when you get there!




HottiMegan said:


> Glad to see it  You deserve a break.
> 
> I'm going to start martial arts this week. I'm hoping it will be therapeutic, kicking and punching the crap out of a bag. I was supposed to start last week but Max got real sick all of a sudden so we stayed home.
> I'm almost done with week one of Effexor. So far no real change. He said it could take like a month.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Feeling utterly depressed right now. Not even for any serious reason but I can't stop crying or feeling like shit. I've just been so stressed lately... one thing in my life goes right and two things go wrong (one step forward, two steps back)... After all the shit that went wrong in the new year (ohhh there was a ton of things that went wrong) now it's just smaller things thankfully but still stressful nonetheless and my emotions are haywire as usual. I feel tired all the time, sleep way too much and can't seem to get up when I need to without feeling tired. I imagine some weight loss could help with this and I plan on hopefully when it gets warmer out doing some walking and better eating etc. with my sister who is on a journey to lose her baby weight. I am the biggest I've ever been although it's only 20 pounds over what I was before it makes a big difference, even 30 pounds makes a different. I need to drop a few pounds! 

Other than being tired and demotivated, I can't seem to feel good about anything. I wake up feeling sick all the time, I can't keep up with any of my classes and am probably going to drop one of them seeing as I haven't attended in two weeks, just behind in my classes. I am going to college so I can get a good job and finally start making money which I have none of. I know I'll get past this and I'm trying to think about how all of this schooling will help me later on in life so I can say "well I did that to get where I am" and that hopefully I'll be in a good place but right now it's just so screwed up and I don't have motivation for anything... I'm just so stressed and I can't quit crying. I seriously need a pick me up or something.


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm having a down day. Nothing the last few days has gone right. I had some plans and was really excited about it and got shot in the butt. I'm having a hard time dealing with the lack of doing those fun things and the fact that it seems like nothing is going right these days. I was hoping my meds could help take the edge off but i don't think they're in full effect yet.


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm going back to the doctor in a couple of weeks. I'm going to have him ween me off the Effexor. I'm having trouble staying awake, memory issues, dizziness, headaches and horrible nightmares. I've read horror stories of going off the stuff cold turkey or i would have stopped taking the stuff already. I also gained 9lbs even though i'm eating less and exercising more. 9lbs in a month is quite a bit.
My anxiety is less but the depression is still there.


----------



## Fuzzy

Unfortunately, there is no wonder drug that effects everyone the same way. If your doctor tritrated you up on your med, you'll have to tritrate off of it. 

Try to keep track when side effects occur and at what dose. It'll help your doctor fine tune the cocktail to get the best effect.

I'm not on any meds at the moment.. I just wish winter would end soon.. it's supposed to snow this weekend.


----------



## dharmabean

So.. I'm putting myself out there again on this thread, in hopes I don't get jumped on again.

I've really hit a wall of depression. (not looking for sympathy or "hand outs"..)

I don't find joy in things I normally do. I want to sleep... all... the... time. 
My last fleeting thought at night should not be, "Dear God, just take me in my sleep. I don't want to wake up."

I used to be on medication, Zoloft. But without insurance it makes things pretty hard. I used to go to counseling too; three years worth.I put on a good 'face' and hide it, especially for work. But really, I had a long, hard, "heaving" cry in bed last night. I'm just tired. So tired.

I make too much for state insurance and not enough for private insurance. I don't qualify for insurance through my job, despite working a 40 hr week. It's the way they worded the job listings.

I am "guaranteed" 1-3 days a week, which is 24 hours. The insurance requires a minimum of 32 hrs a week.

I'm alone in a town with only my partner. 

I sleep, eat, work, and come home to sleep some more. I read a lot, it's the only thing left enjoyable to do.


----------



## Marlayna

Sometimes, when things look hopeless and one feels helpless, adopting a kitten helps enormously.
:bounce: They keep you laughing, and too busy to cry.


----------



## CarlaSixx

To be honest, Marlayna isn't too far off. I avoided a lot of medication and talk therapy simply by owning a dog. A pet is wonderful therapy  Not the perfect solution to all problems, but a nice one anyway


----------



## moore2me

dharmabean said:


> So.. I'm putting myself out there again on this thread, in hopes I don't get jumped on again.



Just to let you and other interested parties know that I have your back. No more jump my new adopted little buddy dharma. Period.


----------



## moore2me

The contributors to this thread have mentioned many different methods used to combat depression by todays medical community and other healing techniques (pet therapy). I am attaching a link from an article in a book on Psychiatric Disorders that has a summary on depressive disorders. (The link is given below.)

What some of you might find interesting is that the author mentions some treatments that have not yet been mentioned in this thread  one of which is free (light therapy). Others not mentioned yet are ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) AKA shock treatments. Dont be alarmed  this is not what it was in _One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest_. The new treatments are much, much milder and do not make the patient a zombie. I have watched girls take it and it really saved the life of some bad cases  girls who couldnt get out of bed and just were curled up in a fetal position and crying.

http://www.merckmanuals.com/profess...ders/mood_disorders/depressive_disorders.html

(The following is quoted from Merck.)

*Phototherapy:* Phototherapy is best known for its effects on seasonal depression but can also be effective in other types of depression. Treatment can be provided at home with 2,500 to 10,000 lux at a distance of 30 to 60 cm for 30 to 60 min/day (longer with a less intense light source). In patients who go to sleep late at night and rise late in the morning, phototherapy is most effective in the morning, sometimes supplemented with 5 to 10 min of exposure between 3 PM and 7 PM. For patients who go to sleep and rise early, phototherapy is most effective between 3 PM and 7 PM.

*Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT): *Severe suicidal depression, depression with agitation or psychomotor retardation, delusional depression, or depression during pregnancy is often treated with ECT if drugs are ineffective. Patients who have stopped eating may need ECT to prevent death. ECT is also effective for psychotic depression. Response to 6 to 10 ECT treatments is usually dramatic and may be lifesaving. Relapse after ECT is common, and drug therapy is often maintained after ECT is stopped.

*Vagus nerve stimulation* involves intermittently stimulating the vagus nerve via an implanted pulse generator. It may be useful for depression refractory to other treatments but usually takes 3 to 6 mo to be effective.
*Deep brain stimulation* and *transcranial magnetic stimulation *are still under study.

*(M2Ms note  There is evidence to indicate that exposing the brain to MRIs has some side effects that are beneficial (other than the scans that are the intended purpose). I have noticed that after a brain MRI, I have less headaches and generally feel better for a week or so until the effects wear off. Of course this is just my personal experience.)
*


----------



## BigBrwnSugar1

moore2me said:


> Just to let you and other interested parties know that I have your back. No more jump my new adopted little buddy dharma. Period.



I'm with Moore2me - we will circle the wagons and there will be NO foolishness. Period. End of sentence.


----------



## loopytheone

My partner is doing so wonderfully battling his depression and he treats me like a princess and tells me every single day how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. 

So why am I so damn jealous and down to the point of tears when he goes and hangs out with his friends? Why do I still feel unloved? 

God, stupid depression has got me acting all irrational again...


----------



## BigBrwnSugar1

loopytheone said:


> My partner is doing so wonderfully battling his depression and he treats me like a princess and tells me every single day how much I mean to him and how much he loves me.
> 
> So why am I so damn jealous and down to the point of tears when he goes and hangs out with his friends? Why do I still feel unloved?
> 
> God, stupid depression has got me acting all irrational again...



My Dear,

Why don't you get together with some girlfriends when he's out with his friends? I'm sure your friends must miss you and would love to see you. 
Then when you get back together you can talk about what happened with each of your respective groups! Also you won't be home alone feeling sad. 
If someone was telling me they loved me and treated me like a princess I would be in seventh heaven!!!


----------



## largenlovely

Just an update on mine. I guess I finally got the right mixture of meds and a good therapist. I've been having a lot of "break throughs" recently and feel like I'm making a lot more progress in therapy than I ever have in my lifetime. 

I know everyone hates labels but finding out exactly what was wrong with me and being able to define it with professionals has helped tremendously. My therapist is freaking fantastic and since she only works with people with BPD, she has a strong handle on how I feel and what makes me tick. 

I've noticed my depression is disappearing by little things. I'm more concerned with my wardrobe and how I look. I'm taking time to do my makeup. Wearing jewelry and finding glimmers of joy here and there. It's nice to be getting better  the last seven or eight years have been horrendous in my psyche.

I haven't completely bounced back but hopefully that's light at the end of the tunnel instead of another train lol


----------



## Surlysomething

That's so awesome! Finding the right health care provider is so critical.

Cheers to continued healthiness!



largenlovely said:


> Just an update on mine. I guess I finally got the right mixture of meds and a good therapist. I've been having a lot of "break throughs" recently and feel like I'm making a lot more progress in therapy than I ever have in my lifetime.


----------



## Webmaster

largenlovely said:


> ...I know everyone hates labels but finding out exactly what was wrong with me and being able to define it with professionals has helped tremendously....



Agree. Knowing exactly what is wrong is tremendously important. For me, it's crucial to know what's the precise cause of an ailment, feeling reasonably confident that it's really so and not just some vague guess, and then trying to remedy matters in a logical way.


----------



## Surlysomething

Up and down like a roller-coaster. Fighting it big-time though.

The added crappiness of PMS is a factor as well.


----------



## x0emnem0x

largenlovely said:


> I know everyone hates labels but finding out exactly what was wrong with me and being able to define it with professionals has helped tremendously.



This is exactly what I need to do, asap.


----------



## dharmabean

Went to the doctor at the hospital I work in. He talked with the pharmacy to get me 1 month of Zoloft free, and wrote the prescription to where it's only 14/month now.

Blessed. Doing better.


----------



## largenlovely

Surlysomething said:


> That's so awesome! Finding the right health care provider is so critical.
> 
> Cheers to continued healthiness!



It really is and I got so lucky because I went to a basic run of the mill facility that they send poor people to lol. I feel really fortunate to have found this therapist  and thank u


----------



## largenlovely

Webmaster said:


> Agree. Knowing exactly what is wrong is tremendously important. For me, it's crucial to know what's the precise cause of an ailment, feeling reasonably confident that it's really so and not just some vague guess, and then trying to remedy matters in a logical way.



It has made all the difference in the world. Nobody else has ever sat me down and given me a diagnosis before. I'm one of those people that needs to know exactly what I'm dealing with and how to go about fixing it. This time I feel so lucky to have found someone who is helping me in the exact way that I need her to


----------



## largenlovely

x0emnem0x said:


> This is exactly what I need to do, asap.



Get on it  it was the best thing I ever did. I waited waaaaay too long to really focus on finding someone to help me. Depression runs in our family and my sister is 30 and starting to develop symptoms. That was around the age that I started going downhill pretty fast. I told her that it's better to stop it before it gets too out of hand cuz it's easier to stop it than to fall in a big huge hole that's hard to get out of. 

I wish I had started on it much much sooner


----------



## Surlysomething

That's so awesome! When I found my Dr. I thought I won the lottery...she's been amazing through all my health issues. 



largenlovely said:


> It really is and I got so lucky because I went to a basic run of the mill facility that they send poor people to lol. I feel really fortunate to have found this therapist  and thank u


----------



## Scorsese86

I've decided to go on a dry spell for a while... staying away from alcohol for a while. I know it's a comfort there and then, but in the long run... It's hard, because I always feel great when I have a few drinks, but then again, it's not right to try and cure the depression with alcohol.


----------



## moore2me

Scorsese86 said:


> I've decided to go on a dry spell for a while... staying away from alcohol for a while. I know it's a comfort there and then, but in the long run... It's hard, because I always feel great when I have a few drinks, but then again, it's not right to try and cure the depression with alcohol.



Scorsese, As you obviously know, any high we get from drinking alcohol is very problematic - it is short lived, it is at the expense of the the drunk and the family and friends of the drunk (money lost, brain cells lost, liver poisoned, stomach wretched, perhaps fights, perhaps jail, perhaps DUI, the strong desire to fire up a cig after 30 years, and other social catastrophes too many to name here). So trading a couple of hours of inebriation for a few hours hiding from the black dog of deression is a poor trade indeed. If that is not enough, most of the meds for depression specifically warn against drinking alcohol while taking the drugs.

I can only joke about drinking now days. First, most of my current meds warn against mixing the drugs with alcohol. My studies in toxicology have convinced me these warnings are not made up by missionaries to save my soul. The warnings were generated by a goodly body count of test animals and some volunteer human test subjects. 

Add to the chemical hazards, the extra hazard I face of losing what little control I have over my balance and coordination due to my MS. There is no doubt in my mind I would fail a sobriety field test even if I was stone, cold sober. After drinking, I would turn into a blithering idiot and would fall down every couple of steps or stab myself with a fork or something.


----------



## Scorsese86

moore2me said:


> Scorsese, As you obviously know, any high we get from drinking alcohol is very problematic - it is short lived, it is at the expense of the the drunk and the family and friends of the drunk (money lost, brain cells lost, liver poisoned, stomach wretched, perhaps fights, perhaps jail, perhaps DUI, the strong desire to fire up a cig after 30 years, and other social catastrophes too many to name here). So trading a couple of hours of inebriation for a few hours hiding from the black dog of deression is a poor trade indeed. If that is not enough, most of the meds for depression specifically warn against drinking alcohol while taking the drugs.
> 
> I can only joke about drinking now days. First, most of my current meds warn against mixing the drugs with alcohol. My studies in toxicology have convinced me these warnings are not made up by missionaries to save my soul. The warnings were generated by a goodly body count of test animals and some volunteer human test subjects.
> 
> Add to the chemical hazards, the extra hazard I face of losing what little control I have over my balance and coordination due to my MS. There is no doubt in my mind I would fail a sobriety field test even if I was stone, cold sober. After drinking, I would turn into a blithering idiot and would fall down every couple of steps or stab myself with a fork or something.



I am painfully aware of the dangers and that it's not any help. Believe me, it's better to have a dry period now than continue... I had a pretty bad period about four years ago, and I don't want to see that happen again.

So far, so good, anyway.


----------



## HottiMegan

dharmabean said:


> Went to the doctor at the hospital I work in. He talked with the pharmacy to get me 1 month of Zoloft free, and wrote the prescription to where it's only 14/month now.
> 
> Blessed. Doing better.



I'm glad to see you got some help. I hope the zoloft continues to help. Nice doctor, that one.


----------



## Dromond

After all the years of therapy and medication, the suicidal thoughts are still there. If I had a firearm at hand, I would be tempted to use it on myself. The thoughts are not prominent in my mind, I don't dwell on them, but if an easy out presented itself I'd have to actively resist the temptation.

Jackie doesn't know. I don't know if I should tell her this.


----------



## fritzi

Dromond said:


> After all the years of therapy and medication, the suicidal thoughts are still there. If I had a firearm at hand, I would be tempted to use it on myself. The thoughts are not prominent in my mind, I don't dwell on them, but if an easy out presented itself I'd have to actively resist the temptation.
> 
> Jackie doesn't know. I don't know if I should tell her this.



Not talking about these thoughts is why 3-4 times as many men die from suicide than women do.

Talk about your thoughts - if not to Jackie, then maybe someone else you trust can handle the situation.

Good luck - go talk!


----------



## Dromond

There isn't anyone I trust more than Jackie. I will talk to her.


----------



## BigBrwnSugar1

Dromond said:


> There isn't anyone I trust more than Jackie. I will talk to her.



Please do talk to her - you seem like a wonderful man and we need you. Even though we don't know each other I think you're marvelous and I always enjoy your posts. Sending BigBrwnSugar love to you!!!!!


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm having a really hard time controlling the anger/near rage that comes sometimes with the depression. I just get super snappy and upset easily. Yesterday i was ready to flee the house just to get away from the kids. Alex had a bad day as far as potty training goes and Max decided to annoy us for his entertainment.. not a good thing to do with a mommy on her last straw.. I went to my room and pounded the shit out of pillow and pulled some hair out.. So, yeah, my happy pills aren't working. Next Friday is my check up.. gonna get off of that junk!


----------



## Surlysomething

Anti-depressants take 6 - 8 weeks to really start to work.
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself about it




HottiMegan said:


> I'm having a really hard time controlling the anger/near rage that comes sometimes with the depression. I just get super snappy and upset easily. Yesterday i was ready to flee the house just to get away from the kids. Alex had a bad day as far as potty training goes and Max decided to annoy us for his entertainment.. not a good thing to do with a mommy on her last straw.. I went to my room and pounded the shit out of pillow and pulled some hair out.. So, yeah, my happy pills aren't working. Next Friday is my check up.. gonna get off of that junk!


----------



## largenlovely

Surlysomething said:


> Anti-depressants take 6 - 8 weeks to really start to work.
> You shouldn't be so hard on yourself about it



When I first started my anti-depressants, I was pure loopy for the first 2 weeks lol. I swear I almost ran someone off the road out of pure road rage lol so mine actually got worse before it got better.

Did u just start them Megan? Cuz u might be reacting like I did. After a couple weeks I started feeling a lot better but those first 2 weeks, I might shoulda been locked in a house lol


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm going on month three of these suckers.. I gained weight despite eating half of what i used to eat and working out HARD twice a week. (I mean so hard my clothes are soaked with sweat from head to toe) I have horrible nightmares. I think the only good thing is my anxiety is lessened a little.


----------



## Dromond

HottiMegan said:


> I'm having a really hard time controlling the anger/near rage that comes sometimes with the depression. I just get super snappy and upset easily. Yesterday i was ready to flee the house just to get away from the kids. Alex had a bad day as far as potty training goes and Max decided to annoy us for his entertainment.. not a good thing to do with a mommy on her last straw.. I went to my room and pounded the shit out of pillow and pulled some hair out.. So, yeah, my happy pills aren't working. Next Friday is my check up.. gonna get off of that junk!



As Surly said, anti-depressants take time to work. It could also be that the medication you are on isn't right for you and you need to try something else. Finding the right medication is more art than science, unfortunately. It's trial and error all the way.


----------



## largenlovely

HottiMegan said:


> I'm going on month three of these suckers.. I gained weight despite eating half of what i used to eat and working out HARD twice a week. (I mean so hard my clothes are soaked with sweat from head to toe) I have horrible nightmares. I think the only good thing is my anxiety is lessened a little.



Oh god yeah, if it's 3 months then I would def be asking for something different


----------



## largenlovely

largenlovely said:


> Oh god yeah, if it's 3 months then I would def be asking for something different



I had a bad reaction to prozac. So did my dad. Some medicines just don't interact well with ur chemistry. I told my doc to put me on anything but prozac and he put me on a cheap $4 list anti-depressant called doxepin. It made a big difference. It wasn't quite enough, but it helped a lot even still. I'm really glad they added Lexapro to my meds though. I love that shit lol


----------



## Surlysomething

I had a kiss a few frogs before I found one that worked for me, D.

Meagan, I hope you find a good match. It makes a world of difference.




Dromond said:


> As Surly said, anti-depressants take time to work. It could also be that the medication you are on isn't right for you and you need to try something else. Finding the right medication is more art than science, unfortunately. It's trial and error all the way.


----------



## Surlysomething

Prozac made me want to drive off the road as well. It was messed up.

I detoxed off that shit ASAP.




largenlovely said:


> I had a bad reaction to prozac. So did my dad. Some medicines just don't interact well with ur chemistry. I told my doc to put me on anything but prozac and he put me on a cheap $4 list anti-depressant called doxepin. It made a big difference. It wasn't quite enough, but it helped a lot even still. I'm really glad they added Lexapro to my meds though. I love that shit lol


----------



## largenlovely

Surlysomething said:


> Prozac made me want to drive off the road as well. It was messed up.
> 
> I detoxed off that shit ASAP.



Lol it made me bonkers. I was in high school and someone set me off cuz my brother had just died and I wound up beating a metal paper towel holder in the bathroom until my knuckles were skinned up and bleeding. I barely even remembered it. I stopped taking it after that lol


----------



## Dromond

Prozac gave me horrible headaches each time the dosage was adjusted, and it made me feel slightly murderous when it got to therapeutic dosage. Nasty stuff.


----------



## NYCGabriel

the combination of abilify and wellbutrin works very well for me. though there are some days i crash and the storm overwhelms me.


----------



## Surlysomething

Yeah, there's something wrong with that med. Haha




largenlovely said:


> Lol it made me bonkers. I was in high school and someone set me off cuz my brother had just died and I wound up beating a metal paper towel holder in the bathroom until my knuckles were skinned up and bleeding. I barely even remembered it. I stopped taking it after that lol


----------



## HottiMegan

today i want to crawl back in bed and not come out for a few days. The kids are driving me up a wall and I have no recourse but to stay out here and be a mom. I just want to escape.


----------



## FatAndProud

My depression has been shitty, as of late. I haven't voluntarily left my house/bedroom for weeks. I leave to go grocery shopping for my mother or something. There's just so much to be sad about recently: the suicide of my life-long friend who I spent every moment with, the passing of my grandma (who was my mom & support growing up, as I lived with her), not being able to find a job after graduation (how long is too long?!?!), taking care of my disabled mother 24/7 from cooking for her to showering her to emptying her toilet she goes in next to her bed. My mom is having a defibrillator put in on the 31st. My family constantly telling me I need to try harder and do this (while taking care of my mother), yet my 32yo brother who has never gone to school or had a job in two years gets to do whatever he wants. He doesn't help me with mom, he's out all the time with his gf while my mom and dad pay his bills...I look at how my life was just two years ago ...what happened? I thought I was doing a good thing by going to school...I'd have much rather spent the time & money on friends and family I can't get back  Every day I wake up wondering what the fuck is my purpose here? I'm so tired of being Cinderella, being sad and emotionally in pain. I tried smoking weed, but I need a job...just venting. I'm not sure there's a solution or happy ending in my life, just more and more hurt.

Furthermore, it's affecting my sex drive, my ability to talk to people (or lack thereof), I don't make eye contact, I don't answer my phone or call/text people, I've lost interest in things that used to make me happy...depression is a dark, deep hole that you try to desperately claw your way up a few ft, only to fall back in. Some days I'm okay, others I'm screaming with fits of rage. I just want it to stop. I know I have a lot of issues from my past that give me a primer for this behavior, but the recent events have certainly been a catalyst.


----------



## AuntHen

FatAndProud said:


> My depression has been shitty, as of late. I haven't voluntarily left my house/bedroom for weeks. I leave to go grocery shopping for my mother or something. There's just so much to be sad about recently: the suicide of my life-long friend who I spent every moment with, the passing of my grandma (who was my mom & support growing up, as I lived with her), not being able to find a job after graduation (how long is too long?!?!), taking care of my disabled mother 24/7 from cooking for her to showering her to emptying her toilet she goes in next to her bed. My mom is having a defibrillator put in on the 31st. My family constantly telling me I need to try harder and do this (while taking care of my mother), yet my 32yo brother who has never gone to school or had a job in two years gets to do whatever he wants. He doesn't help me with mom, he's out all the time with his gf while my mom and dad pay his bills...I look at how my life was just two years ago ...what happened? I thought I was doing a good thing by going to school...I'd have much rather spent the time & money on friends and family I can't get back  Every day I wake up wondering what the fuck is my purpose here? I'm so tired of being Cinderella, being sad and emotionally in pain. I tried smoking weed, but I need a job...just venting. I'm not sure there's a solution or happy ending in my life, just more and more hurt.
> 
> Furthermore, it's affecting my sex drive, my ability to talk to people (or lack thereof), I don't make eye contact, I don't answer my phone or call/text people, I've lost interest in things that used to make me happy...depression is a dark, deep hole that you try to desperately claw your way up a few ft, only to fall back in. Some days I'm okay, others I'm screaming with fits of rage. I just want it to stop. I know I have a lot of issues from my past that give me a primer for this behavior, but the recent events have certainly been a catalyst.




I am really sorry that you are struggling so much right now. If I recall correctly, you went to some sort of medical school, yes? Is taking care of your mother a must even with a job? What I mean is, will she have professional assistance or other if/when you are working? The main reason I ask is, are you willing or able to relocate for more job opportunities and maybe just for a "change of scenery"?


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## Jack Secret

FatAndProud said:


> My depression has been shitty, as of late. I haven't voluntarily left my house/bedroom for weeks. I leave to go grocery shopping for my mother or something. There's just so much to be sad about recently: the suicide of my life-long friend who I spent every moment with, the passing of my grandma (who was my mom & support growing up, as I lived with her), not being able to find a job after graduation (how long is too long?!?!), taking care of my disabled mother 24/7 from cooking for her to showering her to emptying her toilet she goes in next to her bed. My mom is having a defibrillator put in on the 31st. My family constantly telling me I need to try harder and do this (while taking care of my mother), yet my 32yo brother who has never gone to school or had a job in two years gets to do whatever he wants. He doesn't help me with mom, he's out all the time with his gf while my mom and dad pay his bills...I look at how my life was just two years ago ...what happened? I thought I was doing a good thing by going to school...I'd have much rather spent the time & money on friends and family I can't get back  Every day I wake up wondering what the fuck is my purpose here? I'm so tired of being Cinderella, being sad and emotionally in pain. I tried smoking weed, but I need a job...just venting. I'm not sure there's a solution or happy ending in my life, just more and more hurt.
> 
> Furthermore, it's affecting my sex drive, my ability to talk to people (or lack thereof), I don't make eye contact, I don't answer my phone or call/text people, I've lost interest in things that used to make me happy...depression is a dark, deep hole that you try to desperately claw your way up a few ft, only to fall back in. Some days I'm okay, others I'm screaming with fits of rage. I just want it to stop. I know I have a lot of issues from my past that give me a primer for this behavior, but the recent events have certainly been a catalyst.



I have been there as well. It is a much darker place that anyone realizes. When you get to the point wehre you physically can't take care of yourself Properly, you know things are very, very bad. People who haven't experienced it can't begin to understand why you can't do for yourself I didn't understand it either And it was happening to me!


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## HottiMegan

FatAndProud said:


> My depression has been shitty, as of late. I haven't voluntarily left my house/bedroom for weeks. I leave to go grocery shopping for my mother or something. There's just so much to be sad about recently: the suicide of my life-long friend who I spent every moment with, the passing of my grandma (who was my mom & support growing up, as I lived with her), not being able to find a job after graduation (how long is too long?!?!), taking care of my disabled mother 24/7 from cooking for her to showering her to emptying her toilet she goes in next to her bed. My mom is having a defibrillator put in on the 31st. My family constantly telling me I need to try harder and do this (while taking care of my mother), yet my 32yo brother who has never gone to school or had a job in two years gets to do whatever he wants. He doesn't help me with mom, he's out all the time with his gf while my mom and dad pay his bills...I look at how my life was just two years ago ...what happened? I thought I was doing a good thing by going to school...I'd have much rather spent the time & money on friends and family I can't get back  Every day I wake up wondering what the fuck is my purpose here? I'm so tired of being Cinderella, being sad and emotionally in pain. I tried smoking weed, but I need a job...just venting. I'm not sure there's a solution or happy ending in my life, just more and more hurt.
> 
> Furthermore, it's affecting my sex drive, my ability to talk to people (or lack thereof), I don't make eye contact, I don't answer my phone or call/text people, I've lost interest in things that used to make me happy...depression is a dark, deep hole that you try to desperately claw your way up a few ft, only to fall back in. Some days I'm okay, others I'm screaming with fits of rage. I just want it to stop. I know I have a lot of issues from my past that give me a primer for this behavior, but the recent events have certainly been a catalyst.



{{hugs}}
I feel lost a lot too. I have no advice, just empathy. I know how much that kind of feeling sucks.


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## CAMellie

So I ended up in a mental hospital at the end of last month after I took a hammer to my hand. The psychiatrist there added PMDD to the list of my diagnoses and worked with my regular psychiatrist to start weaning me off of the prozac and adding lithium to my regimen. The rage is slowing working out of my system and the depression is not as severe. Slow but steady.


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## Yakatori

fat9276 said:


> "_able to relocate for more job opportunities and maybe just for a "change of scenery"?_"


I'm guessing if that were an immediate option, she would've mentioned it. Nonetheless, something to be working & thinking towards.



FatAndProud said:


> "_...I need a job.....not sure there's a solution_"


Yeah, that is the starting line, just to focus on getting even McJob type of employment. Just to get some money coming-in. Start to save a little. Build your credit. & have a _routine_ change of scenery, even if it's just to walk around the block or something, go to the mall, library, etc.... Don't underestimate the importance & benefit of incrementally & consistently implementing these types of changes.

As for you brother, try not to take it so personally. In families, typically, some are just more capable than others. Or are just better equipped to deal with certain things. Really, what's frustrating you right-now, is just all too common around here, especially these days. But, if I can offer just one thing, what I think seems to help me; that-is when I'm feeling frustrated by someone else's lack of effort, initiative, investment, etc.., of someone I'm supposed to be close-with, someone I'm supposed to be able to count-on, ect...is if I can just to try to imagine or pretend like...this is really the best they can do. That, as little as they've got, as little as they're showing, they're really, actually trying, you know? They're stretching those tiny atrophied baby-like muscles, straining them to their full capacity. 

Obviously, this is easier said than done: I mean, when you're already doing so much and you see people around you doing...so little, naturally-that lends itself to the idea that you're trying much harder, you're more committed, that you care-more, etc.. And, in all fairness, that's probably not too far from the truth. But: they are them. And you are you. What you do and all you should do...is just what you feel you can. And for all you really know, they are just doing what they can; indeed, they probably imagine themselves doing as much as they should or reasonably-can. And maybe they feel badly about-it. For how it (the situation) has taken unfair advantage of you. Or maybe they're just too afraid to even allow themselves to consider this. Either way, once you accept people for who & how they truly are, you will be much happier. And more effective for it. Seriously, just try it. Your brother, your parents, everyone; just imagine what they're doing for you right now is already the very best they can....

Of course, the flip-side of this is that, really, you shouldn't just let your brother off the hook, not totally. No, what's really best, for everyone, is if you can honestly & objectively take into account both his strengths & limitations. And come up with some sort of way for him to be involved, something that he is actually likely to be agreeable to doing & that will give him some sense of pride at whatever level of involvement that requires of him. Like, maybe, if he's not too comfortable with helping your mom bath & dress, he could pick up the groceries. I mean, that's the kind of thing where, even if he does a half-assed job at it & you end up having to rearrange everything he's put away, it's still going to save you a certain amount of time. And, really, you need all the help you can get.

Just my .02


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## Surlysomething

So scatter-brained and all over the place.


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## Dromond

Surlysomething said:


> So scatter-brained and all over the place.



I sympathize. It royally sucks.


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## HottiMegan

I've been fighting my cutting desires more than normal lately. I threw out my razors, so i can't act on the need but man, it's like a drug. It relieves so much pain and tension when i cut. I haven't cut in in years but the want comes back sometimes and it's a strong urge.


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## Marlayna

CAMellie said:


> So I ended up in a mental hospital at the end of last month after I took a hammer to my hand. The psychiatrist there added PMDD to the list of my diagnoses and worked with my regular psychiatrist to start weaning me off of the prozac and adding lithium to my regimen. The rage is slowing working out of my system and the depression is not as severe. Slow but steady.


It's better to take a hammer to a wall. I feel your emotional pain. I want to break something too. I've been off meds for about a month, but I'm not adverse to finding a different one if things don't improve. The Prozac made me sleep for 12 hours at a time, and the Wellbutrin made me want to jump out of my skin. Good luck with your recovery, and your hand.


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## largenlovely

CAMellie said:


> The psychiatrist there added PMDD to the list of my diagnoses
> 
> The rage is slowing working out of my system and the depression is not as severe. Slow but steady.



I have brought up PMDD to my docs but I think I need to start letting them know it's something we should really take care of. I've found myself raging pretty hardcore.

I was at a gas station last week pumping gas and some guys in a car drove by my pump to turn their car around and started making fun of me and I began screaming at them. Fuck you mother fuckers!! You piece of shit mother fuckers!!! I went to my sister's house and got a baseball bat from them and put it in my car in case I needed it in the future. If I had the baseball bat at that point in time, those guys may have been missing a headlight.

But...I shouldn't have reacted THAT strongly and that violently. It took a couple days of feeling some intense rage and aggression to realize I was pms'ing. 

If someone would just prescribe me 3-4 xanax a month to start taking a few days before my period, I would maintain my calm but docs don't wanna give those out :-/ it sucks that a bunch of drug addicts fuck things up for those of us who really need the medication.


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## CAMellie

largenlovely said:


> I have brought up PMDD to my docs but I think I need to start letting them know it's something we should really take care of. I've found myself raging pretty hardcore.
> 
> I was at a gas station last week pumping gas and some guys in a car drove by my pump to turn their car around and started making fun of me and I began screaming at them. Fuck you mother fuckers!! You piece of shit mother fuckers!!! I went to my sister's house and got a baseball bat from them and put it in my car in case I needed it in the future. If I had the baseball bat at that point in time, those guys may have been missing a headlight.
> 
> But...I shouldn't have reacted THAT strongly and that violently. It took a couple days of feeling some intense rage and aggression to realize I was pms'ing.
> 
> If someone would just prescribe me 3-4 xanax a month to start taking a few days before my period, I would maintain my calm but docs don't wanna give those out :-/ it sucks that a bunch of drug addicts fuck things up for those of us who really need the medication.



The lithium they put me on is already helping. I had pretty "normal" pms-ing this past cycle. I only had to take klonopin twice which is VERY good. 
I know what you mean though about drug addicts making it hard for those people that really need medications.


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## CAMellie

Marlayna said:


> It's better to take a hammer to a wall. I feel your emotional pain. I want to break something too. I've been off meds for about a month, but I'm not adverse to finding a different one if things don't improve. The Prozac made me sleep for 12 hours at a time, and the Wellbutrin made me want to jump out of my skin. Good luck with your recovery, and your hand.



I have been a diagnosed self-harmer for 16 years now. I usually cut, but my sister hid or destroyed every razor blade in the house. So I just reached for the first thing I could grab (at the peak of my need to self-harm) and it happened to be a hammer. 
Cutting is like a drug. It releases a rush of endorphins to your brain which gives you a "rush" or "high". When I was first diagnosed I cut almost every, single day. Now, with therapy and medication, I've only cut 3 times in the past year.
All the hammer did was give me a hairline fracture in one of my fingers and a 72 hour stay in a mental hospital. So I'm good.


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## largenlovely

CAMellie said:


> The lithium they put me on is already helping. I had pretty "normal" pms-ing this past cycle. I only had to take klonopin twice which is VERY good.
> I know what you mean though about drug addicts making it hard for those people that really need medications.



I was thinking lithium was for bipolar? They diagnosed me as borderline personality disorder. I've noticed lots of improvements in my behavior but when I pms, it's like I totally regress and am loony toons. I go see my psychiatrist soon so I will see what they can do.


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## CAMellie

largenlovely said:


> I was thinking lithium was for bipolar? They diagnosed me as borderline personality disorder. I've noticed lots of improvements in my behavior but when I pms, it's like I totally regress and am loony toons. I go see my psychiatrist soon so I will see what they can do.



I'm bi-polar II recurrent depressed with a borderline personality disorder, PTSD, PMDD, and a severe social anxiety disorder. I was originally put on prozac for my bipolar disorder but it caused rages and exacerbated my PMDD. They lowered my prozac dosage, added lithium, and started me on calcium, magnesium, and fish oil capsules. The lithium/vitamin combo is newly used for PMDD and it's working great for me, so far. My only problem is a side effect of the lithium which is making certain foods taste like the smell of feet! LOL The pharmacist said it will go away in time.


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## largenlovely

CAMellie said:


> I'm bi-polar II recurrent depressed with a borderline personality disorder, PTSD, PMDD, and a severe social anxiety disorder. I was originally put on prozac for my bipolar disorder but it caused rages and exacerbated my PMDD. They lowered my prozac dosage, added lithium, and started me on calcium, magnesium, and fish oil capsules. The lithium/vitamin combo is newly used for PMDD and it's working great for me, so far. My only problem is a side effect of the lithium which is making certain foods taste like the smell of feet! LOL The pharmacist said it will go away in time.



Lmao god that would be horrible hahahaha hopefully it won't last long then lol

I'm borderline personality, ptsd, anxiety, major depressive w/a mixture of avoidant personality. I was on Doxepin for my depression before I went to this place and they've kept me on that but so far all they've added for me was Lexapro for my anxiety and Vistaril to help me sleep sometimes. It sucks cuz the medicine all works great 3.5 weeks out of the month but if I bring this up, they will likely want to change it all up on me and I'm scared of them doing that cuz I like what I have. 

I'm not sure if I have become super crazed during my pms now or if I was always that crazy and now it's just more of a noticeable difference because I'm not nearly as crazy during the rest of the month since I'm on good meds LOL


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## Surlysomething

My self hatred is over-whelming.

It's a fight...every...single...moment.


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## HottiMegan

Surlysomething said:


> My self hatred is over-whelming.
> 
> It's a fight...every...single...moment.



{{Hugs}} I totally know that feeling.


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## FatAndProud

I'm going to set goals for myself and see if I can change how I feel. So far, I'd obviously like a job (I never have stopped applying), but I'm going to get my certification as a pathologist assistant. It's $525 I'll have to borrow, but perhaps it'll increase my odds!


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## NYCGabriel

Surlysomething said:


> My self hatred is over-whelming.
> 
> It's a fight...every...single...moment.



 i utterly empathize


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## Surlysomething

Why are we wired so differently from "normal" people? It's exhausting.





NYCGabriel said:


> i utterly empathize


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## Surlysomething

Thanks, Megan.

*hug*



HottiMegan said:


> {{Hugs}} I totally know that feeling.


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## CarlaSixx

Found out it was actually a good thing to stop my meds. I get sleep seizures. And pretty much every anti depressant and sleeping pill I've had makes it worse. So now I need a new pill doc who can figure out what's safe without having to go on anti seizure medication. Fuck  lord knows how much brain damage was caused from the many many years of having sleep seizures and not even realising it.


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## Dromond

It's been many many years since I've had the urge to self-harm. But lately, those old urges are coming back. :doh:


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## HottiMegan

The shame of hurting myself is almost as bad as the mood that brought the need to beat on myself. I didn't cut, only because i don't have the supplies. I beat on my belly and legs as hard as i could over and over again. I'm just over the top stressed about Alex's total resistance to potty training. He's almost five.


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## Jack Secret

HottiMegan said:


> The shame of hurting myself is almost as bad as the mood that brought the need to beat on myself. I didn't cut, only because i don't have the supplies. I beat on my belly and legs as hard as i could over and over again. I'm just over the top stressed about Alex's total resistance to potty training. He's almost five.



That's terrible Megan! Personally, I can't understand self harm (the physical kind), but pain is pain. I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties.


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## largenlovely

Me and my regular one on one therapist get along great. Me and my group therapist are *not* meshing.

I started having severe panic attacks after the last ex, the schizophrenic guy, broke up. I literally thought the voices in his head were gonna have him harm me when I ended things. He told me that an external force was trying to take over his brain and make him do bad things when I said I wanted to go back to just being friends. I'm scared to death of this lunatic. He thinks we ended things on good terms and I want him to *keep* thinking that but if I see him, I turn and run the other way. He's the entire reason I decided to go seek help in the first place because my panic attacks became so severe after I thought he was going to hurt me.

Low and behold, he showed up to my therapists office today and I saw him walking in the parking lot into the building right before I was supposed to go in for my group. I didn't want to go in. So I called the front office and asked if there was a side entrance I could go in so I could avoid going into the lobby and that way I could go wait in the back for my group to begin. He wasn't there to see me. It's the only place in town that offers generalized help so he was there seeking treatment for himself. 

My group therapist forced me to sit in the waiting room and acted as if I was being ridiculous and over-reacting because I begged her to let me go into the back somewhere and wait. She didn't ask the details of why I was scared of seeing him or anything. She just assumed I was over-reacting because I have borderline personality disorder. So I sat on the opposite side of the building and was blocked by the front desk.

The only thing that saved me was I've put on almost 80 pounds since he last saw me and I had short bleached blonde hair. Today I was wearing a very long brown curly wig and I had a hat that I was able to pull down to cover my face. He walked by me and stopped but then kept going when I didn't look up. 

Because she made me go through that, I sat in my chair and cried as silently as I could for the first hour of group, which added embarrassment to my already escalated feelings. It was horrible...just horrible


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## HottiMegan

I'm sick and tired of having mental illness. It robs me of just simply being happy. There's always that dark cloud lurking off or sometimes hanging over me. I cry at the drop of a hat and just have a hard time simply appreciating all that i have. PMS throws a HUGE wrench into that too. It's getting harder to cope as i get older. It's a good thing that i don't have my cutting supplies around.


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## largenlovely

My panic attacks have been trying to return after seeing my ex the other day. Plus other stuff going on that has me generally upset. I hate panic attacks


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## Surlysomething

My PMS is what throws me off the rails. I function very well until that shows up and makes my depression brutal.

I feel you, Megan. *hug*




HottiMegan said:


> I'm sick and tired of having mental illness. It robs me of just simply being happy. There's always that dark cloud lurking off or sometimes hanging over me. I cry at the drop of a hat and just have a hard time simply appreciating all that i have. PMS throws a HUGE wrench into that too. It's getting harder to cope as i get older. It's a good thing that i don't have my cutting supplies around.


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## largenlovely

HottiMegan said:


> PMS throws a HUGE wrench into that too. It's getting harder to cope as i get older. It's a good thing that i don't have my cutting supplies around.





Surlysomething said:


> My PMS is what throws me off the rails. I function very well until that shows up and makes my depression brutal.
> 
> I feel you, Megan. *hug*



I feel y'all on this one. I'm rarely even having the weepy crying pms anymore though...I seem to just have intense rage and anger with mine. I'm trying to find a doctor who will prescribe me 4 xanax a month. That's all I would need so I can start taking it the week before my period. Cuz I turn into a total nutjob


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## HottiMegan

I get raging angry at stupid stuff too. I get the whole range.. can't wait till menopause. I yell a lot during pms.


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## Jack Secret

I've never lost anyone close to me, but I know I will in the coming days. My mother is dying in the next room and these up-and-down emotions are driving me a little insane Even with Ativan.


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## Dromond

Jack Secret said:


> I've never lost anyone close to me, but I know I will in the coming days. My mother is dying in the next room and these up-and-down emotions are driving me a little insane Even with Ativan.



I've gone through it too many times. I wish I could say something reassuring, but those feelings are only going to get worse.


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## largenlovely

HottiMegan said:


> can't wait till menopause.



I can definitely agree with that!!


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## HottiMegan

I get slight agoraphobia when i'm in my lows.. I'm pretty low lately. We're having a premature onset of teenager attitude and disrespect from our 10 year old. He knows just what to say to totally wound me. He tortures his little brother (who may be an asperger kid). He makes it a fun game or sport to just make everyone around him miserable. Hubs is having a horrible fathers day thanks to Max. I am so down. I need to get girl supplies but am so not wanting to leave the house. I hate depression so much. It messes hard with me. I just want to go lay in bed with the fans blowing on me and sleep or play games on my phone.


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## Surlysomething

You need to find some girlfriends, lady. You need to get out of your house and away from your people a bit. Look into taking a class, even if it's just a cooking one of something. 

I think that would be hugely beneficial for you.





HottiMegan said:


> I get slight agoraphobia when i'm in my lows.. I'm pretty low lately. We're having a premature onset of teenager attitude and disrespect from our 10 year old. He knows just what to say to totally wound me. He tortures his little brother (who may be an asperger kid). He makes it a fun game or sport to just make everyone around him miserable. Hubs is having a horrible fathers day thanks to Max. I am so down. I need to get girl supplies but am so not wanting to leave the house. I hate depression so much. It messes hard with me. I just want to go lay in bed with the fans blowing on me and sleep or play games on my phone.


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## snuggletiger

My depression just makes me want to get in a car and just drive till there's no road left. Just take off and go, and I know that's not prudent.


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## largenlovely

Individual social interactions can be really draining for me. I woke up today to a few people trying to get in touch with me all at once and I feel overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed I shut down. So then I won't talk to anyone. My therapist said I would get better about this particular issue...but I'm not seeing it yet.


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## Jack Secret

largenlovely said:


> Individual social interactions can be really draining for me. I woke up today to a few people trying to get in touch with me all at once and I feel overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed I shut down. So then I won't talk to anyone. My therapist said I would get better about this particular issue...but I'm not seeing it yet.



I'm glad you mentioned that about yourself. I too find those situations Almost overwhelming. Before I was paralyzed back in 2007, there was a Span of about six months where I would unplug my phone just so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone Much less more than one person. It has gotten better, but not completely so even now.

It sounds like you and I have a lot of issues in common.


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## largenlovely

Jack Secret said:


> I'm glad you mentioned that about yourself. I too find those situations Almost overwhelming. Before I was paralyzed back in 2007, there was a Span of about six months where I would unplug my phone just so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone&#133; Much less more than one person. It has gotten better, but not completely so even now.
> 
> It sounds like you and I have a lot of issues in common.



For years I wouldn't own a cell phone because I didn't want people to be able to call me. It took my dad convincing me that I needed one in case I broke down somewhere until I got one. Even then, my friends would complain that I never answered it. 

It's frustrating. I would like to be as social as I was when I was younger but I just don't have it in me anymore. At some point I just turned into a loner type and will likely always be that way I suppose


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## Jack Secret

largenlovely said:


> For years I wouldn't own a cell phone because I didn't want people to be able to call me. It took my dad convincing me that I needed one in case I broke down somewhere until I got one. Even then, my friends would complain that I never answered it.
> 
> It's frustrating. I would like to be as social as I was when I was younger but I just don't have it in me anymore. At some point I just turned into a loner type and will likely always be that way I suppose



Do you ever think to yourself, "I need to find a friend or boyfriend that can drag me into the world and turn me into a social person again?" I was thinking that way sometime back. Ideally, you could learn to Be social again on your own Just like you learned to way back when, but is it even possible for another person to fix you in this manner? My first thought would be that another person cannot fix a personal problem, but in situations of socialization Maybe you can find a friend who is a professional social butterfly that can "fix" that part of you.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just thinking of my Own situation and the ways I could see it solved.


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## Jack Secret

About 12:30 This morning my mother passed. I am so thankful that she did not suffer, and that the scariest moments for her at the end happened quickly with her loved ones around her, holding her hands and reassuring her.

http://www.cannonclevelandfunerals.com/sitemaker/sites/Cannon1/obit.cgi?user=1016162Phillips 

View attachment me and mom - Christmas 2011.jpg


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## FatAndProud

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I hope you have lots of support in this difficult time.


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## largenlovely

Jack Secret said:


> Do you ever think to yourself, "I need to find a friend or boyfriend that can drag me into the world and turn me into a social person again?"



It's so funny you say that because yes, I have thought that. And yes, it can happen that way. When I'm with a boyfriend, I will actually go out and be social but it's usually because they want to. I always wind up having fun when they want to go places but my own motivation alone doesn't suffice in making me go out and be social. I always have to have another person pushing me to do it. But yes, it can work that way.

If a friend casually invites me to an event, I won't likely go. But if they keep mentioning it and telling me how badly they want me to go, I will start feeling obligated. Again, I usually have fun but it takes more work on a friends part to get me to go out than it takes for a boyfriend to get me to go out. 

I sometimes watch the movie "yes man" to motivate me to go out more and it might work for a little bit but eventually I will fall back into my same habits when I'm on my own. I'm much better WITH someone than without someone. 

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother *hugs* that has to be really difficult.


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## Jah

Is this thread for anxiety problems too?

I tried working for a third time. And even though this time I was on medication with the highest possible dosage, I got panic attacks, bowel problems and feeling like I was going to vomit (at night I did actually vomit). I ended up quitting and feel pretty much resigned to the fact that I'll be a housewife for the rest of my life.

Anyone else here have mental illness so bad they can't work?


----------



## Surlysomething

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Fortunately i'm very high functioning (and stubborn) and have always been able to maintain a good job but there are days where I do leave early or don't go in (not too often) because it's just too hard to bear.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. *hug*



Jah said:


> Is this thread for anxiety problems too?
> 
> I tried working for a third time. And even though this time I was on medication with the highest possible dosage, I got panic attacks, bowel problems and feeling like I was going to vomit (at night I did actually vomit). I ended up quitting and feel pretty much resigned to the fact that I'll be a housewife for the rest of my life.
> 
> Anyone else here have mental illness so bad they can't work?


----------



## Jack Secret

Jah said:


> Is this thread for anxiety problems too?
> 
> I tried working for a third time. And even though this time I was on medication with the highest possible dosage, I got panic attacks, bowel problems and feeling like I was going to vomit (at night I did actually vomit). I ended up quitting and feel pretty much resigned to the fact that I'll be a housewife for the rest of my life.
> 
> Anyone else here have mental illness so bad they can't work?



I guess I can relate to this. In 2005 and 2006 I suffered a nervous breakdown. I guess you could say that I couldn't work I went on long-term disability during that time. Beyond not being able to work, I couldn't take care of myself. Doing the laundry, dishes, or your average housework was an impossible task. The only "person" I took care of was my dog, Annie. (I totally miss my sweet girl). I met someone, and started a really awesome relationship During that time. I always used to tell her that I wish he had met me before my "downfall". Anyway, I started digging my way out of that depression when I fell and broke my neck. And the rest is history

I can imagine having physical symptoms due to stress. I bet most of us can! My bowels used to give me fits under stress.

You didn't ask for my sympathy, but you certainly have it! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles :really sad:


----------



## Jah

Surlysomething said:


> I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Fortunately i'm very high functioning (and stubborn) and have always been able to maintain a good job but there are days where I do leave early or don't go in (not too often) because it's just too hard to bear.
> 
> I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. *hug*



Thank you for the sympathy! I would love to be high functioning like that! Unfortunately I have more than one mental illness. I suffer from anxiety, panic disorder, depression and... ugh, schizophrenia...:blush: and as far as I know I'm considered high functioning for a schizophrenic.



Jack Secret said:


> I guess I can relate to this. In 2005 and 2006 I suffered a nervous breakdown. I guess you could say that I couldn't work I went on long-term disability during that time. Beyond not being able to work, I couldn't take care of myself. Doing the laundry, dishes, or your average housework was an impossible task. The only "person" I took care of was my dog, Annie. (I totally miss my sweet girl). I met someone, and started a really awesome relationship During that time. I always used to tell her that I wish he had met me before my "downfall". Anyway, I started digging my way out of that depression when I fell and broke my neck. And the rest is history
> 
> I can imagine having physical symptoms due to stress. I bet most of us can! My bowels used to give me fits under stress.
> 
> You didn't ask for my sympathy, but you certainly have it! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles :really sad:



I know what that is like. I struggled with housework for years and still do. I thought because I was able to do housework that I would be able to work. I feel like a complete total failure and often feel ashamed that I can't work.


----------



## Jack Secret

Jah said:


> Thank you for the sympathy! I would love to be high functioning like that! Unfortunately I have more than one mental illness. I suffer from anxiety, panic disorder, depression and... ugh, schizophrenia...:blush: and as far as I know I'm considered high functioning for a schizophrenic.
> 
> 
> 
> I know what that is like. I struggled with housework for years and still do. I thought because I was able to do housework that I would be able to work. I feel like a complete total failure and often feel ashamed that I can't work.



Despite your ill's, I bet you're a dynamite person to hang out with! People like yourself, tend to be truly amazing folks.


----------



## Jah

Jack Secret said:


> Despite your ill's, I bet you're a dynamite person to hang out with! People like yourself, tend to be truly amazing folks.



Well that's very sweet of you to say.


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

So much sadness here, I hardly know what to say. Suffice to say that in my 75+ years (especially the first 5 decades) I went through every depression drug in the pharmacopia - and nothing really helped but a dear friend and lots of love.

Please don't think I am putting you down with the following comment. I have been there, done that - and survived to fight the battle I am currently fighting (ataxia). In recent years I have been reading the Runners' World daily message, "Daily Kick in the Butt" - uplifting, encouraging stuff for runners, but also for bikers (us, mostly), recovering people, and life in general. I find today's quite applicable to us and perhaps to you too.

RunnersWorld.com
*Daily Kick in the Butt*

"Even when our heart aches, we summon the strength that maybe we didn't even know we had, and we carry on; we finish the race." 

President Barack Obama at the Boston Marathon memorial service on April 18, 2013


----------



## moore2me

Jack Secret said:


> About 12:30 This morning my mother passed. I am so thankful that she did not suffer, and that the scariest moments for her at the end happened quickly with her loved ones around her, holding her hands and reassuring her.
> 
> http://www.cannonclevelandfunerals.com/sitemaker/sites/Cannon1/obit.cgi?user=1016162Phillips



Dear Jack,

I am sorry to hear of the passing of your mother. It is good that she was around friends at the end & it was quick (most of us would wish for such a death if we were forced to chose). She looked like a nice lady and I assume the picture you showed is one where she is with you. I can tell she loved your very much and was protective of you. 

I hope none of your bad vibes you described come back to bother you now that your mom is no longer around. Of course, you can still talk to her and get her counsel and I believe she will help you from heaven. Take care of yourself and keep up with your healthcare - my mom keeps telling me I have to look after myself and make it a priority when she is not around to pester me to do it.

M2M


----------



## moore2me

http://www.elenamanja.com/en/anima-veneziana.html

Dear Ho Ho Tai, 

I would like to derail this thread a moment from the subjects to call attention to a email you sent me. When you sent out the blanket notice about the moon show the above link was attached to it. This link is of a young girl who is one of the most beautiful young adolescents I have ever seen. Not only is she classically beautiful but she can dance & sing too. She is going to be a star very soon. She is already in training by experts. The link to her site, videos, and free MP3 files is above. She is marvelous.

Name Elana Manja


----------



## Dromond

My anxiety attacks have been getting more frequent. Crowds are almost sure to trigger one these days. :doh:


----------



## Ho Ho Tai

moore2me said:


> http://www.elenamanja.com/en/anima-veneziana.html
> 
> Dear Ho Ho Tai,
> 
> I would like to derail this thread a moment from the subjects to call attention to a email you sent me. When you sent out the blanket notice about the moon show the above link was attached to it. This link is of a young girl who is one of the most beautiful young adolescents I have ever seen. Not only is she classically beautiful but she can dance & sing too. She is going to be a star very soon. She is already in training by experts. The link to her site, videos, and free MP3 files is above. She is marvelous.
> 
> Name Elana Manja



M2M - I have to agree - she is lovely and apparently quite a songstress too. I should thank the Werners for sharing their daughter with us I didn't know that link was in there when I 'shotgunned' it to what I felt were interested parties. I just dug the original out of the trash and found the following over the senders' signatures.

As good as possible
Our daughter Elena Manja, has trained together with the well-known choreographer Les Child in London, for her new music video that will be released at the end of July. Here you find some pictures:
www.elenamanja.com/index_en.html


We wish you best of luck and a successful time!

Moonlight wishes from 
Jörg Werner & Pat Edith Werner
Hauptstr. 31
82319 Starnberg
Germany
[email protected]
www.fullmoon.info

The Werners seem to be devoted to the magic of the full moon; it's their website and I guess they can send out anything they personally enjoy. I'll just have to be a bit more careful in the future.

I have sent the occasional poem or writing to the Werners also, among them something I posted here a long time ago.I may as well milk that piece for what it's worth. The link follows.

So We'll go no more a-roving

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=382261&postcount=63


----------



## Surlysomething

*big hugs*

lots of mindful breathing, Mr.



Dromond said:


> My anxiety attacks have been getting more frequent. Crowds are almost sure to trigger one these days. :doh:


----------



## snuggletiger

Lately ive been preoccupied with planning my own funeral. I don't know why that is.


----------



## HottiMegan

I briefly fantasized about running the car into a tree yesterday. I wont follow through, but it was comforting for a minute.


----------



## Saoirse

HottiMegan said:


> I briefly fantasized about running the car into a tree yesterday. I wont follow through, but it was comforting for a minute.



I do that daily  and after a particularly rough day yesterday, I cut up my wrist with a razor blade. Not deep at all, just felt good to see a little blood. Of course now I have to wear something to cover it at work while it heals and I'm sure that'll raise a buttload of questions. 

My anger is gett outta control. I feel like I'm constantly yelling at my dog (not that she doesn't deserve it sometimes) but them it breaks my heart to see her cower and then I get angry with myself. 

I haven't talked to my best friend in months. He said something pretty hurtful and I got super upset. My other dear friend asked why I havent patched this up and I said flat-out "I'm tired of always being the one to apologize. " that got us into an argument and he said not talk speak to him till I get help

Last month, my dad said he was going to see about getting us counseling thru his work insurance, but he hasn't said a word about it since and probably because he's too fucking wrapped up in his gf. She needed a new car, her apt needs work, she had to store stuff in the barn, she's moving in at the end of the summer. I get that you love your girlfriend of ONE YEAR, but your 27 year old baby girl fucking needs you now. 

Momma's up and moved, has a much happier life 2 hours away, living (in her new house that my dad fucking helped her get) with the man she cheated with and left my dad for. The only time we talk is when I text her or when she calls once in a great while to try to guilt me into spending the weekend with her. I've explained that I have 2 jobs, work 6 days a week and now I'm doing even more since I have a side job doing house/pet-sitting. So... 3 jobs and no time. 

I feel very alone, abandoned and neglected. I told someone last night- I just want to matter to someone


----------



## snuggletiger

Saoirse said:


> I do that daily  and after a particularly rough day yesterday, I cut up my wrist with a razor blade. Not deep at all, just felt good to see a little blood. Of course now I have to wear something to cover it at work while it heals and I'm sure that'll raise a buttload of questions.
> 
> My anger is gett outta control. I feel like I'm constantly yelling at my dog (not that she doesn't deserve it sometimes) but them it breaks my heart to see her cower and then I get angry with myself.
> 
> I haven't talked to my best friend in months. He said something pretty hurtful and I got super upset. My other dear friend asked why I havent patched this up and I said flat-out "I'm tired of always being the one to apologize. " that got us into an argument and he said not talk speak to him till I get help
> 
> Last month, my dad said he was going to see about getting us counseling thru his work insurance, but he hasn't said a word about it since and probably because he's too fucking wrapped up in his gf. She needed a new car, her apt needs work, she had to store stuff in the barn, she's moving in at the end of the summer. I get that you love your girlfriend of ONE YEAR, but your 27 year old baby girl fucking needs you now.
> 
> Momma's up and moved, has a much happier life 2 hours away, living (in her new house that my dad fucking helped her get) with the man she cheated with and left my dad for. The only time we talk is when I text her or when she calls once in a great while to try to guilt me into spending the weekend with her. I've explained that I have 2 jobs, work 6 days a week and now I'm doing even more since I have a side job doing house/pet-sitting. So... 3 jobs and no time.
> 
> I feel very alone, abandoned and neglected. I told someone last night- I just want to matter to someone



I you mean Saoirse, it would be nice to feel needed.


----------



## HottiMegan

My effexor is doing nothing, absolutely nothing to elevate my mood. I am trying my best to look normal and not show off the true depths of sadness and despair i feel. I want to just slip into a sleep coma for a few days.


----------



## HottiMegan

I am desperate for some razor blades.. I never wanted to cut so badly in my life.. I'm wondering how one of my sharp chef blades will do. I also got to find a way to do it secretly. I want to cut so, so much! I'm freaking out.


----------



## Surlysomething

Megan, you need to reach out and get some help, ASAP.

Call your family, they will help you.




HottiMegan said:


> I am desperate for some razor blades.. I never wanted to cut so badly in my life.. I'm wondering how one of my sharp chef blades will do. I also got to find a way to do it secretly. I want to cut so, so much! I'm freaking out.


----------



## BigBrwnSugar1

Surlysomething said:


> Megan, you need to reach out and get some help, ASAP.
> 
> Call your family, they will help you.



I know you are having an extremely hard time but you have got to be there for your husband and your children. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health". This is what being an adult is - facing tough times and dealing with them. You won't help your family if you do damage to yourself. Would your husband be able to take care of you right now if you were injured or sick? What about your boys. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but please just stop and think of your family. I agree with Surly - please reach out and let someone help you.


----------



## Marlayna

Saoirse said:


> I do that daily  and after a particularly rough day yesterday, I cut up my wrist with a razor blade. Not deep at all, just felt good to see a little blood. Of course now I have to wear something to cover it at work while it heals and I'm sure that'll raise a buttload of questions.
> 
> My anger is gett outta control. I feel like I'm constantly yelling at my dog (not that she doesn't deserve it sometimes) but them it breaks my heart to see her cower and then I get angry with myself.
> 
> I haven't talked to my best friend in months. He said something pretty hurtful and I got super upset. My other dear friend asked why I havent patched this up and I said flat-out "I'm tired of always being the one to apologize. " that got us into an argument and he said not talk speak to him till I get help
> 
> Last month, my dad said he was going to see about getting us counseling thru his work insurance, but he hasn't said a word about it since and probably because he's too fucking wrapped up in his gf. She needed a new car, her apt needs work, she had to store stuff in the barn, she's moving in at the end of the summer. I get that you love your girlfriend of ONE YEAR, but your 27 year old baby girl fucking needs you now.
> 
> Momma's up and moved, has a much happier life 2 hours away, living (in her new house that my dad fucking helped her get) with the man she cheated with and left my dad for. The only time we talk is when I text her or when she calls once in a great while to try to guilt me into spending the weekend with her. I've explained that I have 2 jobs, work 6 days a week and now I'm doing even more since I have a side job doing house/pet-sitting. So... 3 jobs and no time.
> 
> I feel very alone, abandoned and neglected. I told someone last night- I just want to matter to someone


You matter to your dog, don't mistreat it, because it's the best friend you have. go give her a hug and tell her you're sorry. I know you are, but you just can't help yourself because you're so angry and lonely.
I've been angry like you are, and it's not fun. My raving led to seizures in my sleep, and that was pretty scarey. I was forced to let go of pain and resentment because it was hurting me physically. I've still got plenty, but not to the point it was at your age. I think as we age, we get more accepting, and less frustrated with the hand life dealt us.
Please don't play with razors, we fatties can eat to ease our pain.:eat1:
If you want to see "blood", draw on yourself with a red Sharpie, it works fine, and doesn't have to heal, or possibly get infected.


----------



## HottiMegan

life has calmed a lot and so have i. I stopped needing the lorazapam but have it on hand in case i get a flare up. Hubs is improving but i'm scared shitless that i'm going to lose him. He's my everything. I am thinking that when he returns to work and things calm down a little, i'm going to actively seek out a therapist. I'm even sleeping a lot harder and better and that's a big change from even before the stroke.


----------



## HottiMegan

I have an overwhelming feeling like i need to cry. I can't put my finger on why but i am fighting the sob. Today should be a good day. Hubs is back to work and the house is full of good, nourishing food.


----------



## Paul

Meghan, Your family has been through a lot. When there is a serious illness in a family, it affects not only the adults but the children as well (even though we do not realize it. I believe it is good to seek out the help of a therapist to help you with all the changes and emotions you and the family has been going through as a result of a major illness.

You have made good progress through all this. My prayers are with you and your family.



HottiMegan said:


> I have an overwhelming feeling like i need to cry. I can't put my finger on why but i am fighting the sob. Today should be a good day. Hubs is back to work and the house is full of good, nourishing food.


----------



## Surlysomething

Want to sleep.
Don't want to sleep.
Up/down.

Bored.
Lost.
Don't care.
Care too much.

Feel gigantic.
Feel unnoticed.

And not a single fuck was given.



.


----------



## FatAndProud

Best depression haiku ever.


----------



## sophie lou

Surlysomething said:


> Want to sleep.
> Don't want to sleep.
> Up/down.
> 
> Bored.
> Lost.
> Don't care.
> Care too much.
> 
> Feel gigantic.
> Feel unnoticed.
> 
> And not a single fuck was given.
> 
> 
> 
> .


Right now i seem to be feeling every single part of that and all at the same time.


----------



## Cobra Verde

Q:
So if you still find yourself becoming severely depressed for weeks on end for no particular reason in the middle of July when it's beautiful out should you pretty much just give up any illusions of ever being sane?
Hypothetically, of course.


----------



## Surlysomething

Ugh.


I want to sit and stare at a big body of water while drinking copious amounts of coffee No one is allowed to talk to me either.


----------



## Dromond

I'm faking it until I make it. But faking it is becoming harder every day.


----------



## largenlovely

My biggest problem is feeling like I don't fit in anywhere and it makes me feel very alone and makes my depression kick in sometimes. The pills help a lot but when things get pretty intolerable, they don't work as well as normally, like right now. I've always been the black sheep of the family and I just don't like most of them. I seem to be ass backwards from the large majority of the people from this general region. 

I'm in Alabama and I'm not a Christian, I'm not politically conservative and most often the people around me, who I consider friends that I grew up with, are spouting off stuff that makes me cringe inside and a lot of times I just ignore it because it's so typical of everyone down here and I'm *used* to it, which makes me sick sometimes. I often feel like I'm on the island for misfit toys. Ugh, it just frustrates me.

ETA: I'm pretty sure that was the longest run on sentence known to man lol


----------



## Paul

LnL have you considered relocating to another area of the country where you would have more in common with people? (an area of the country less strictly conservative). A change of scenery may be just what you need to improve your mood. I know myself I could never live in a very strict conservative area. I disagree with too many things conservative hold dear to their hearts so I understand what you mean by not fitting in in a very conservative area.


largenlovely said:


> My biggest problem is feeling like I don't fit in anywhere and it makes me feel very alone and makes my depression kick in sometimes. The pills help a lot but when things get pretty intolerable, they don't work as well as normally, like right now. I've always been the black sheep of the family and I just don't like most of them. I seem to be ass backwards from the large majority of the people from this general region.
> 
> I'm in Alabama and I'm not a Christian, I'm not politically conservative and most often the people around me, who I consider friends that I grew up with, are spouting off stuff that makes me cringe inside and a lot of times I just ignore it because it's so typical of everyone down here and I'm *used* to it, which makes me sick sometimes. I often feel like I'm on the island for misfit toys. Ugh, it just frustrates me.
> 
> ETA: I'm pretty sure that was the longest run on sentence known to man lol


----------



## largenlovely

Paul said:


> LnL have you considered relocating to another area of the country where you would have more in common with people? (an area of the country less strictly conservative). A change of scenery may be just what you need to improve your mood. I know myself I could never live in a very strict conservative area. I disagree with too many things conservative hold dear to their hearts so I understand what you mean by not fitting in in a very conservative area.



Unless I happen to meet someone from somewhere else, I will be staying here. I'm prepared for either scenario but I think you're right. I've lived quite a few places from the south to the midwest and all of them were pretty intolerable as well. The only place I found that was more laid back was Atlanta. I loved it there but the idea of moving anywhere by myself is more than I want to deal with. It's a problem but sadly one I would rather sit here and bitch about than actually do something about it...I know, I suck


----------



## Jack Secret

largenlovely said:


> Unless I happen to meet someone from somewhere else, I will be staying here. I'm prepared for either scenario but I think you're right. I've lived quite a few places from the south to the midwest and all of them were pretty intolerable as well. The only place I found that was more laid back was Atlanta. I loved it there but the idea of moving anywhere by myself is more than I want to deal with. It's a problem but sadly one I would rather sit here and bitch about than actually do something about it...I know, I suck



What kind of work do you do? And I can concur about Atlanta


----------



## Saoirse

Hurting hurting hurting.

Not drinking not smoking and now not eating. Not feeling worthy or loved or respected.


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm thinking of looking into getting a medical marijuana card to treat my anxiety and depression. I have never been drunk or high so i'm trepidatious about it.
I'm slow breathing through yet another anxiety attack as i write this. Trying hard not to show how much my panic is happening right now cuz i'm alone with the boys. They got really frightened when i had a HUGE anxiety attack while hubs was in the hospital. I don't want to this to them.


----------



## Dromond

I've been slowly coming apart at the seams with all the crap that's been going on the past couple of months. Today I saw a shrinky dink to help screw my head back on.

First of all, I like her. She's very kind, yet no nonsense. My favorite kind of attitude for a shrink. After listening to my story, she was very concerned for me, saying I was in crisis. I hadn't thought of it that way, but she's right. As I sat there and talked to her, really talked to someone about this whole thing outside of the apartment for the first time, I found the blocks I'd put up to hold in my anger start to crack. I became agitated and fidgety, getting a sharp edge to my voice as I talked.

I'm pissed off. I'd been walling off my anger so much I didn't realize how intense it really was. The shrink was impressed at how self-aware I am, and she told me she admired my ability to soldier on under very trying circumstances. She also said I should not wait to go, I should leave at the earliest opportunity. Well, I won't be doing that unless an apartment opens up unexpectedly. I have my plan, and I'm going to stick to it. I was clear with her that that's just how my brain works. She accepted that, though she thinks it's not a healthy decision.

The shrink asked me how I dealt with anger, and I said I eat it. Again, not a healthy situation. I've gained weight and that's bad. More weight means more stress on my liver, and my liver is stressed enough already. Thankfully it's still behaving.

She wanted to see me next week, and I'd love to, but I can't afford it. I have to wait until next month, when the eagle shits again. It's something positive to look forward to, at least.


----------



## HottiMegan

^^ I'm glad you were able to talk some stuff out Dromond. I'm thinking of finding a talk therapist..


I have stopped taking my meds. They weren't helping the sadness. They were giving me nasty nightmares, bouts of uncontrollable need to eat and a general restlessness. Not my cup of tea. So i'm back to sadness with a few panic attacks here and there. My nightmares are much more palatable now and i can control the eating when i'm not pmsing.


----------



## CarlaSixx

If it wasnt for having bought some weed this month, I would have been way more suicidal than I already am. It has made money really tight, to the point of not being to afford proper food for this last week, but it has stopped me from feeling worse, at least. I get these sensations to cut or to drink excessively, and once I smoke, everything stops. I can remain comfortable for awhile. I wish I could get my doc to sign for a marijuana license, because it is the only thing helping me during my depression. And it's the only medicine that hasn't caused night seizures. In fact, I haven't had any this month, and I've been smoking all month. Just a small pinch a night. But it works. And it frustrates me that it works so well but the doctors are too iffy to write for them anymore.


----------



## Surlysomething

Not super great.

My MS is bothersome right now and it's frustrating and scary and it's triggering all sorts of anxiety and worry.


----------



## Surlysomething

Good appointment at the MS Clinic yesterday. Hoping that the new medications we're trying out will help even me out. It was really nice talking to someone that understood what I was going through.

Fact: 50% of patients with MS have depression.







Surlysomething said:


> Not super great.
> 
> My MS is bothersome right now and it's frustrating and scary and it's triggering all sorts of anxiety and worry.


----------



## cinnamitch

Yep that is indeed true. People just don't have a clue how hard it is to deal with your body acting crazy. It's different day to day so MS patients don't even get the luxury of dealing with one thing, it's always something different.Luckily it seems like you have some good Docs to help you through this. Keep up the fight!




Surlysomething said:


> Good appointment at the MS Clinic yesterday. Hoping that the new medications we're trying out will help even me out. It was really nice talking to someone that understood what I was going through.
> 
> Fact: 50% of patients with MS have depression.


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks for the info! 

It's the craziest journey, let me tell you.



cinnamitch said:


> Yep that is indeed true. People just don't have a clue how hard it is to deal with your body acting crazy. It's different day to day so MS patients don't even get the luxury of dealing with one thing, it's always something different.Luckily it seems like you have some good Docs to help you through this. Keep up the fight!


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm dealing with a day of loathing every aspect of my being. I'm just a terrible, awful person who just wishes it would end.


----------



## lily352

are you ok???


----------



## CarlaSixx

I've been struggling pretty bad with my depression this week. I even ended up walking around my house looking for something fool-proof. I thought of throwing myself over the balcony, standing in water with a hair dryer dropped in... everything. I decided nothing I had access to was fool-proof so I gave up.

I'm still fighting the problem. Tomorrow is group, which I haven't been to in 2 weeks, but I don't want to go to it. At all.


----------



## Surlysomething

You NEED to talk to someone, sweetie. ASAP.





HottiMegan said:


> I'm dealing with a day of loathing every aspect of my being. I'm just a terrible, awful person who just wishes it would end.


----------



## lily352

Did you go to group?


----------



## HottiMegan

Surlysomething said:


> You NEED to talk to someone, sweetie. ASAP.



I'm essentially alone in this. I know that the moods will pass. I won't harm myself, i wouldn't do that o my family. I have no friends in real life, I have a husband dealing with his own health issues. I have no family nearby. So i just have to deal with it and wait for the severe downs to pass.


----------



## Miskatonic

A couple months ago my psyche decided that the reason I feel either flat or miserable all the time is because of my antipsychotic. She believes that there really is no reason for me to be on it, so we're weaning me off it right now. 

It's only been a couple months and I've only reduced my daily dose by about a third and I'm already feeling more emotional depth than I have in a long time. I'm laughing again! 

There has been a lot of depersonalization, though. Everything feels weird and I'm uncertain that the world around me is real and not some elaborate dream. Despite this, however, I'm continuing to function well and I'm feeling better mentally and emotionally. If getting off the antipsyche means feeling outside of reality often but also means feeling emotional depth then, whatever, I'll deal with it.


----------



## Dromond

I'm dealing with anger + depression. I'm not sure I could cope if I weren't seeing a counselor.


----------



## Miskatonic

Dromond said:


> I'm dealing with anger + depression. I'm not sure I could cope if I weren't seeing a counselor.



Anger issues can be killer to deal with. It's taken years for me to overcome mine with therapy and I still have trouble with it sometimes.


----------



## CarlaSixx

lily352 said:


> Did you go to group?



No, I didn't. I really don't like going at all. I avoid it a lot lately. It's a nuisance and a waste of money to travel there.


----------



## x0emnem0x

HottiMegan said:


> I'm essentially alone in this. I know that the moods will pass. I won't harm myself, i wouldn't do that o my family. I have no friends in real life, I have a husband dealing with his own health issues. I have no family nearby. So i just have to deal with it and wait for the severe downs to pass.



I am the same way, I get so down and think about wanting it to end but knowing I won't do it and the moods will pass and they normally do but the hang time sucks ass. Just stay strong and keep on keeping on, wait for the good times, pray for the good times. They will come.


----------



## lily352

CarlaSixx said:


> No, I didn't. I really don't like going at all. I avoid it a lot lately. It's a nuisance and a waste of money to travel there.



Is there any where else that you can go?


----------



## Surlysomething

Can you not talk to your Dr. and arrange some counseling? It would probably do wonders for you to talk to someone not in your life. You don't have enough outlets for all your emotions.




HottiMegan said:


> I'm essentially alone in this. I know that the moods will pass. I won't harm myself, i wouldn't do that o my family. I have no friends in real life, I have a husband dealing with his own health issues. I have no family nearby. So i just have to deal with it and wait for the severe downs to pass.


----------



## FatAndProud

I've been denied another job position. It's been over a year and I don't have money to move out of state. This is absolutely fucking ridiculous.


----------



## HottiMegan

I hate how self centered I feel when i'm depressed. I don't care about myself but i have a hard time not thinking about the sadness. And pms just makes it all that much worse!


----------



## x0emnem0x

HottiMegan said:


> I hate how self centered I feel when i'm depressed. I don't care about myself but i have a hard time not thinking about the sadness. And pms just makes it all that much worse!



I think I am feeling the same way tonight, not necessarily PMS but the self centeredness. I have been so cranky all day, just sad and stressed out, I've found myself being a bitch to my mother and my boyfriend without meaning to and then feeling even worse after I realize it... *HUGSSS* It'll be better!


----------



## Adamantoise

I've been going through spells of depression quite recently - a lot of it stems from the fact that I haven't ever been on a proper date with anyone. The fact that I am socially awkward makes me feel hopeless, and I rarely go outside. I don't really feel like a person sometimes - I don't really _live_, I _function_.

It was difficult for me to type this out - I realise I haven't been on this thread for about 4 years.


----------



## Surlysomething

Come back here more often. It's a good place to vent your feelings as everyone is struggling and supportive.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? Counselling? It's such a relief to let it all out.





Adamantoise said:


> I've been going through spells of depression quite recently - a lot of it stems from the fact that I haven't ever been on a proper date with anyone. The fact that I am socially awkward makes me feel hopeless, and I rarely go outside. I don't really feel like a person sometimes - I don't really _live_, I _function_.
> 
> It was difficult for me to type this out - I realise I haven't been on this thread for about 4 years.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Adamantoise said:


> I've been going through spells of depression quite recently - a lot of it stems from the fact that I haven't ever been on a proper date with anyone. The fact that I am socially awkward makes me feel hopeless, and I rarely go outside. I don't really feel like a person sometimes - I don't really _live_, I _function_.
> 
> It was difficult for me to type this out - I realise I haven't been on this thread for about 4 years.



*hugs* yes, vent a lot here. Even just if no one says anything sometimes it's nice to just GET IT ALL OUT! I know what you mean with social awkwardness... I wrote a post the other day in the annoyance thread (I think) about my social anxiety type stuff, I actually gave a speech the other day and cried because apparently I was so nervous... embarassing but I am still breathing. There will always be ups and downs and things will get better - you can get better.


----------



## Adamantoise

x0emnem0x said:


> *hugs* yes, vent a lot here. Even just if no one says anything sometimes it's nice to just GET IT ALL OUT! I know what you mean with social awkwardness... I wrote a post the other day in the annoyance thread (I think) about my social anxiety type stuff, I actually gave a speech the other day and cried because apparently I was so nervous... embarassing but I am still breathing. There will always be ups and downs and things will get better - you can get better.



Thank you for your kind words - I appreciate it a lot.



Surlysomething said:


> Come back here more often. It's a good place to vent your feelings as everyone is struggling and supportive.
> 
> Do you have anyone you can talk to? Counselling? It's such a relief to let it all out.



I can talk to my mother - she has helped me so much over the past 10 years that I couldn't return the favour even if I tried for the rest of my existence. There may be some websites I could try and check out, I guess. 
I thank you for your help, Surly. :bow:


----------



## Tracyarts

So, this is the time of year that my summertime SAD usually goes into remission, but it's not happening. 

This has been a bad, bad year. Loss of pets, loss of my mom, husband's job tanking and his work/pay being cut, the stress of him finding and starting a new one, dealing with the whole insurance COBRA thing. Weird things going on with my mom's house, and settling her estate is dragging on. It's just been so many things one after another. 

I've been taking Citalopram/Celexa, but it never really has done much for me. I've been waiting for the new insurance plan to take effect (a week from tomorrow) to go back to the doctor, since the new plan has MUCH better coverage. 

I know I need to do something. I'm not doing things that I enjoy, even when I have perfect opportunities to do them. I'm not spending time with people I enjoy, even though they want to get together. And tired, and achey, and just sad and frustrated and stressed.


----------



## Surlysomething

...black dog...


----------



## Ms Charlotte BBW

Tracyarts said:


> So, this is the time of year that my summertime SAD usually goes into remission, but it's not happening.
> 
> This has been a bad, bad year. Loss of pets, loss of my mom, husband's job tanking and his work/pay being cut, the stress of him finding and starting a new one, dealing with the whole insurance COBRA thing. Weird things going on with my mom's house, and settling her estate is dragging on. It's just been so many things one after another.
> 
> I've been taking Citalopram/Celexa, but it never really has done much for me. I've been waiting for the new insurance plan to take effect (a week from tomorrow) to go back to the doctor, since the new plan has MUCH better coverage.
> 
> I know I need to do something. I'm not doing things that I enjoy, even when I have perfect opportunities to do them. I'm not spending time with people I enjoy, even though they want to get together. And tired, and achey, and just sad and frustrated and stressed.



Hi sweetie, I too take Citalopram. When I first started taking it 6 years ago, I was going through a lot of what you are now. It did nothing for me. My Dr. added Wellbutrin twice a day (in addition to the Citalopram), and that made all the difference! She calls it a happy drug :happy: ...regardless, it worked wonders for me. Best of luck in finding what works for you! ((hugs))


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## SprocketRocket

HottiMegan said:


> I'm essentially alone in this. I know that the moods will pass. I won't harm myself, i wouldn't do that o my family. I have no friends in real life, I have a husband dealing with his own health issues. I have no family nearby. So i just have to deal with it and wait for the severe downs to pass.



This is a more difficult task than you may think. I experience depression as well. The cloud envelope everything, makes me feel down, I lose interest in everything and even feel angry. Some days are OK and some days.. Even laying down in bed doesnt seem to do the trick. Work becomes impossible and focus on anything is nonexistent.

I had to go to a hospital and stay in so that I can now go and see someone whenever I need to. Cost be damned.. I will have bills if it means I can be given tools to cope with things I may not be able to change. Other issues there.

Depression is a bad thing, it can send out false signals to the brain. Don't believe that they are real or it WILL ruin your life, or at least take a very long time to recover, some type of way.


----------



## SprocketRocket

^^ Also: it is not a sign of weakness to seek help. Rather, it is a sign of responsibility, and is commendable.


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## x0emnem0x

I've been looking to get help with social anxiety and my depression... but I am young and have always felt embarrassed to seek help though I know it is the best thing I can do for myself. How do I bring it up? I talked to my mom about seeing a doctor for my anxiety but what about depression? What is the system they go through to decide whether they can help me or not? What do they ask? I've been suffering for as long as I can remember and I just want help now... I feel like getting help could be a life changer as well as a life saver... any advice?


----------



## SprocketRocket

x0emnem0x said:


> I've been looking to get help with social anxiety and my depression... but I am young and have always felt embarrassed to seek help though I know it is the best thing I can do for myself. How do I bring it up? I talked to my mom about seeing a doctor for my anxiety but what about depression? What is the system they go through to decide whether they can help me or not? What do they ask? I've been suffering for as long as I can remember and I just want help now... I feel like getting help could be a life changer as well as a life saver... any advice?



Nice 1,000th post! 

In any case, they generally will sort of "feel out" if you are being serious or not, and act accordingly.

It took a lot to get me to go seek help at the hospital. And I did. Ultimately, I sought private help because the hospital was only mediocre therapist.. Sometimes, you need more than one session a week, and when you really explore some issues, more frequent can really be helpful. it is always hardest to take the first step.

The biggest part can be paying for it all, which is where I find myself. But this isnt just about me.. We all struggle with depression, with what was, etc etc etc.

Remember, life is 10% of what happens to us, and 90% of what we make of it. ATTITUDE!


----------



## SprocketRocket

As for me.. Sometimes the depression is basically not there, and at other times, it feels overwhelming.


----------



## Amaranthine

x0emnem0x said:


> I've been looking to get help with social anxiety and my depression... but I am young and have always felt embarrassed to seek help though I know it is the best thing I can do for myself. How do I bring it up? I talked to my mom about seeing a doctor for my anxiety but what about depression? What is the system they go through to decide whether they can help me or not? What do they ask? I've been suffering for as long as I can remember and I just want help now... I feel like getting help could be a life changer as well as a life saver... any advice?



Are you in college? I think it's pretty common for most campuses to have a psychological services center, which might be more easily approachable than getting an appointment right away. 

While I don't have any direct experience, I can try to shed a little light on how it should go. You might have to fill out some questions on paper (as friends of mine have had to do,) but generally the doctor/psychiatrist/etc is just trying to get a feel for the symptoms you have and if they fit the profile for depression/what sort of depression. Treatment options can range from talk therapy to CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) to medication (SSRI for depression, something like a benzo for anxiety.) 

I think the most important thing here is to be confident that you're making the best decision - you're unhappy and certainly don't deserve to be. You shouldn't have to feel embarrassed/worried about doing what's right for you - and chances are they'll be able to help find a solution that can alleviate things. Don't feel weird about pursuing exactly the kind of treatment that feels right for you/that you're comfortable with (as some therapists/forms of therapy are definitely more efficacious for different people.) I hope everything goes well, whatever you choose to do


----------



## x0emnem0x

Amaranthine said:


> Are you in college? I think it's pretty common for most campuses to have a psychological services center, which might be more easily approachable than getting an appointment right away.
> 
> While I don't have any direct experience, I can try to shed a little light on how it should go. You might have to fill out some questions on paper (as friends of mine have had to do,) but generally the doctor/psychiatrist/etc is just trying to get a feel for the symptoms you have and if they fit the profile for depression/what sort of depression. Treatment options can range from talk therapy to CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) to medication (SSRI for depression, something like a benzo for anxiety.)
> 
> I think the most important thing here is to be confident that you're making the best decision - you're unhappy and certainly don't deserve to be. You shouldn't have to feel embarrassed/worried about doing what's right for you - and chances are they'll be able to help find a solution that can alleviate things. Don't feel weird about pursuing exactly the kind of treatment that feels right for you/that you're comfortable with (as some therapists/forms of therapy are definitely more efficacious for different people.) I hope everything goes well, whatever you choose to do



Thank you, very much. I am in college yes. I've been having depression and anxiety issues since I was young and my mom takes meds for depression. I just think it's time for me to get help, I don't want to be like I am anymore.


----------



## CAMellie

My klonopin is no longer working for my anxiety disorder and I have to wait until November 7th to discuss other options with my psychiatrist.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I'm in serious trouble, in a very bad place. My thoughts are so negative, I can't get them out of my head, and I'm trying to so badly.

It wasn't just the breakup that is getting to me, it's that plus everything else piled on top. The break up just toppled it all down. Just the fact that I tried so hard to make this relationship work, the first time in my life I had a serious relationship I tried everything on the moon to make him happy. He took my virginity and expected me to not be clingy. He was my first REAL intense love. We fought, but it was real, never boring. He said we were stuck together, for good, no matter what. We talked about kids, marriage, named our "unborn children"... I felt like home when I was with him. I was so ready to start my life with him. I was even getting ready to move down there to be with him. But now he's given up on me, over a stupid little fight. What a coward. He was my happiness. I hate him but I love him. I'm depressed again and I don't know how to be me, I don't remember. He tells me to move on, I was fine before him and I'll be fine after... I know people say make yourself happy before you make anyone else happy. Love yourself first. I've heard it a million times. I've never loved myself as much as I can love another human being. I have so much affection to give, so much love.... I always have. They say it'll get better and it does, for 2 seconds, then it's 10x worse. It never gets as good as you want it to get. It's like, no matter how hard I try, I get no where. The only time anyone ever notices anything is when I screw it up. I have had social anxiety for the longest time, I can't function in general let alone in public. I've been this way since 3rd grade, I told my teacher that I felt like I don't belong. I still believe that. I'm trying to make my way through college, I can't believe I actually made it through high school, being made fun of daily up to that point. I have thousands in student loans towards a degree I don't even know I want. Never had a job, applied at 20 different places only get one interview that I still haven't got a call back on, even though the lady said she would call me. A job I was getting to kick myself in the ass so I could move to be with my boyfriend. Not to mention I hate my body recently. There are days I love it, tonight, I hate it. I've eaten maybe 5 times in the past 6 days, in which I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. It made me motivated as hell to lose all the weight and get healthy but now it's just me thinking this is going to take forever and I still won't be happy. I'm utterly depressed and on Saturday I contemplated swallowing a ton of my mothers pills with no thought whatsoever. I almost did it. I wrote out a 4 page goodbye letter to my mother with notes to individual people.

Today I spent the first 5 hours I was awake researching ways to opt out of this bullshit via taking said pills. It's getting serious, and I've never done that, it's never been this bad. My mother isn't supportive, I've told her I've been depressed and have social anxiety and she throws it back in my face and makes me feel like shit. She has these same problems - so why would she turn away from me when I mention them to her? I'm just scared though. Scared to get help. Scared if I do get help the pills won't work, the therapy won't work. Scared it's all a waste of time, scared I'll say too much and get put in a psych ward... I don't know what to do...


----------



## Saoirse

Its hard to kill yourself with pills. You can swallow a whole bottle of whatever and just get miserably sick. Been there, tried that.

And this guy was shady. NOT worth contemplating suicide over.


----------



## cinnamitch

You need to talk to someone asap. It feels so overwhelming now, but it CAN get better. It won't be easy and sometimes it won't even feel like it's worth it, but with the right therapy, meds and focus, it can improve. It sucks dog balls when someone you love isn't the person you NEED. We can't guarantee that we will find that right person. But you will be ok in the end. I promise you that. If you just get up and put one foot in front of the other and commit to valuing yourself, things have a way of working out. Feel free to vent on here, Hell you can even PM me . You are worthy of love and of life, don't give up on either.





x0emnem0x said:


> I'm in serious trouble, in a very bad place. My thoughts are so negative, I can't get them out of my head, and I'm trying to so badly.
> 
> It wasn't just the breakup that is getting to me, it's that plus everything else piled on top. The break up just toppled it all down. Just the fact that I tried so hard to make this relationship work, the first time in my life I had a serious relationship I tried everything on the moon to make him happy. He took my virginity and expected me to not be clingy. He was my first REAL intense love. We fought, but it was real, never boring. He said we were stuck together, for good, no matter what. We talked about kids, marriage, named our "unborn children"... I felt like home when I was with him. I was so ready to start my life with him. I was even getting ready to move down there to be with him. But now he's given up on me, over a stupid little fight. What a coward. He was my happiness. I hate him but I love him. I'm depressed again and I don't know how to be me, I don't remember. He tells me to move on, I was fine before him and I'll be fine after... I know people say make yourself happy before you make anyone else happy. Love yourself first. I've heard it a million times. I've never loved myself as much as I can love another human being. I have so much affection to give, so much love.... I always have. They say it'll get better and it does, for 2 seconds, then it's 10x worse. It never gets as good as you want it to get. It's like, no matter how hard I try, I get no where. The only time anyone ever notices anything is when I screw it up. I have had social anxiety for the longest time, I can't function in general let alone in public. I've been this way since 3rd grade, I told my teacher that I felt like I don't belong. I still believe that. I'm trying to make my way through college, I can't believe I actually made it through high school, being made fun of daily up to that point. I have thousands in student loans towards a degree I don't even know I want. Never had a job, applied at 20 different places only get one interview that I still haven't got a call back on, even though the lady said she would call me. A job I was getting to kick myself in the ass so I could move to be with my boyfriend. Not to mention I hate my body recently. There are days I love it, tonight, I hate it. I've eaten maybe 5 times in the past 6 days, in which I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. It made me motivated as hell to lose all the weight and get healthy but now it's just me thinking this is going to take forever and I still won't be happy. I'm utterly depressed and on Saturday I contemplated swallowing a ton of my mothers pills with no thought whatsoever. I almost did it. I wrote out a 4 page goodbye letter to my mother with notes to individual people.
> 
> Today I spent the first 5 hours I was awake researching ways to opt out of this bullshit via taking said pills. It's getting serious, and I've never done that, it's never been this bad. My mother isn't supportive, I've told her I've been depressed and have social anxiety and she throws it back in my face and makes me feel like shit. She has these same problems - so why would she turn away from me when I mention them to her? I'm just scared though. Scared to get help. Scared if I do get help the pills won't work, the therapy won't work. Scared it's all a waste of time, scared I'll say too much and get put in a psych ward... I don't know what to do...


----------



## x0emnem0x

Thanks. Somehow it's getting better, but then I just think about it all and I have to get back from the start... I managed to go to class today even though I didn't want to. I just wanted to sleep... it still hurts like hell though. I don't know why but I still said we could be friends. We probably won't talk for awhile, it'll take a bit before we would even be able to be "friends" and thats if somehow we don't get back together, because I feel like I might have a slim chance. I keep holding on to hope. I know I shouldn't, and I don't want to... but somehow I do.


----------



## penguin

Staying friends only makes the pain drag on, and it's often only for their benefit. Cutting ties and moving on is very hard and painful, but it's better in the long run.


----------



## Dromond

Remaining friends after a breakup rarely works. As penguin said, better to just cut all ties and be done with it.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I'm trying. I think he's already found someone knew, and I'm taking up my time at the gym and feeling a lot better already. I know depression won't be gone forever, but for now I'm... here. I am a very nice person, too nice, but I know that I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. He was my first, so although that'll be hard to get over I don't want to not know him. I told him even though I'm hurting I'd like him to work with me so that we can be friends when I am me again and not his ex. lol... so far okay.


----------



## azerty

I agree the Dromond and peguin, even though it is difficult, better cut all links. To rebuild yourself, better start from something new. Hope you'll be better soon


----------



## Surlysomething

I woke up with a shit-ton of self loathing today. No rhyme or reason. 

Hopefully it works it's way out as it's a really beautiful day.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Surlysomething said:


> I woke up with a shit-ton of self loathing today. No rhyme or reason.
> 
> Hopefully it works it's way out as it's a really beautiful day.



*hugs* Sit outside for a while and look around. Look at the beautiful day you're having over there, lol it's not so great here... but I feel silly for posting what I did a couple weeks back. Though I'm still depressed on and off I certainly am still here - so that's a good thing. Self loathing is a bitch though... do something that makes you feel better. You are too important to not feel your best!


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks, lady.

I'm feeling a bit better. Got some Christmas music on. I have good hair today, it's not all bad. Haha.





x0emnem0x said:


> *hugs* Sit outside for a while and look around. Look at the beautiful day you're having over there, lol it's not so great here... but I feel silly for posting what I did a couple weeks back. Though I'm still depressed on and off I certainly am still here - so that's a good thing. Self loathing is a bitch though... do something that makes you feel better. You are too important to not feel your best!


----------



## HottiMegan

I've been trying retail therapy to make me feel better. Now my credit card is unhappy with me.. I have been pretty down the last couple of weeks. Life is stressing me out and that brings the down feelings. I'm hoping some tae kwon do will cheer me up. I had to skip last week due to the period from hell.


----------



## penguin

I'm finding it so weird how I can be feeling good, but also filled with so much apathy at the same time.


----------



## CarlaSixx

I've been having a rough time ever since the holidays. But I got a hold of some really strong weed and have been able to keep level and feel kinda good in my skin because of it. It terrifies me to go back to any kind of therapy knowing they will frown upon weed even though their pills were a million times worse.


----------



## CastingPearls

penguin said:


> Staying friends only makes the pain drag on, and it's often only for their benefit. Cutting ties and moving on is very hard and painful, but it's better in the long run.





Dromond said:


> Remaining friends after a breakup rarely works. As penguin said, better to just cut all ties and be done with it.




Learned this the hard way. Moving on is the best thing for you and leaves your heart open for a better relationship.


----------



## HottiMegan

I have been fighting the need to lay in bed all day every day this week. I'm so sad and can't snap out of it like i usually can. I'm unable to handle the stresses of life and freak out at a drop of a hat. I've even been hitting myself as a sort of release. It doesn't do damage like the cutting, so it's a step down. (I've been a life long self-harmer. I banged my head against walls as a child. I fight not to do that regularly too) I'm trying to keep as much as i can contained so my family wont see it. Hubs just gets mad and yells at me when i do get caught hitting myself. I'm trying to be sad in secret just to keep the harmony in the house. It's draining, hence the want to be in bed. I've been even having strange urges to go hide in my closet with the door shut.. that's new and weird.


----------



## Paul

Megan I hope you are getting some help for your increasing level of depression. I hope you seriously consider finding some professional help for your depression, especially if depression has gotten so bad you are now coping using self harming behaviors. "I'm trying to keep as much as i can contained so my family wont see it." Trying to keep the depression from the family will not help you or the family. Trying to keep the "hubs" from getting angry by not admitting you need help for depression IMHO may only make things worse for you and the family. Your family needs you to look after them (especially with the illness your husband has been through. How can you look after your family if you are hiding in the closet? Seriously consider going for help. BTW please keep us updated. <3



HottiMegan said:


> I have been fighting the need to lay in bed all day every day this week. I'm so sad and can't snap out of it like i usually can. I'm unable to handle the stresses of life and freak out at a drop of a hat. I've even been hitting myself as a sort of release. It doesn't do damage like the cutting, so it's a step down. (I've been a life long self-harmer. I banged my head against walls as a child. I fight not to do that regularly too) I'm trying to keep as much as i can contained so my family wont see it. Hubs just gets mad and yells at me when i do get caught hitting myself. I'm trying to be sad in secret just to keep the harmony in the house. It's draining, hence the want to be in bed. I've been even having strange urges to go hide in my closet with the door shut.. that's new and weird.


----------



## lille

HottiMegan said:


> I have been fighting the need to lay in bed all day every day this week. I'm so sad and can't snap out of it like i usually can. I'm unable to handle the stresses of life and freak out at a drop of a hat. I've even been hitting myself as a sort of release. It doesn't do damage like the cutting, so it's a step down. (I've been a life long self-harmer. I banged my head against walls as a child. I fight not to do that regularly too) I'm trying to keep as much as i can contained so my family wont see it. Hubs just gets mad and yells at me when i do get caught hitting myself. I'm trying to be sad in secret just to keep the harmony in the house. It's draining, hence the want to be in bed. I've been even having strange urges to go hide in my closet with the door shut.. that's new and weird.



Hiding your feelings is draining, and ultimately unproductive. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I don't think wanting to hide in your closet is weird at all, it sounds like you're really overwhelmed and don't want anyone to see it, so wanting to hide makes perfect sense.


----------



## penguin

Sleep deprivation makes everything worse for me, and I lost a lot of sleep this week thanks to my daughter's surgery. Taking care of her is fine, but taking care of me isn't. I just wanted to sleep all day, or lie in bed and stare at things. It really doesn't feel worthwhile talking about what's on my mind, either


----------



## Marlayna

HottiMegan said:


> I have been fighting the need to lay in bed all day every day this week. I'm so sad and can't snap out of it like i usually can. I'm unable to handle the stresses of life and freak out at a drop of a hat. I've even been hitting myself as a sort of release. It doesn't do damage like the cutting, so it's a step down. (I've been a life long self-harmer. I banged my head against walls as a child. I fight not to do that regularly too) I'm trying to keep as much as i can contained so my family wont see it. Hubs just gets mad and yells at me when i do get caught hitting myself. I'm trying to be sad in secret just to keep the harmony in the house. It's draining, hence the want to be in bed. I've been even having strange urges to go hide in my closet with the door shut.. that's new and weird.


Hiding in a closet had been very calming and therapeutic for me during a particularly bad break-up at one point in life. It's a good way to be alone with yourself for a while till you can gather your strength.
I've never had a desire to hit myself, but I've punched a punching bag so long and hard, that my hands hurt. It felt great. It's like releasing a pressure valve.


----------



## lille

Just a reminder that today is Self-Injury Awareness day. There are resources out there and the more we talk about self-injury the more we can increase understanding and reduce stigma.


----------



## Jah

HottiMegan said:


> I have been fighting the need to lay in bed all day every day this week. I'm so sad and can't snap out of it like i usually can. I'm unable to handle the stresses of life and freak out at a drop of a hat. I've even been hitting myself as a sort of release. It doesn't do damage like the cutting, so it's a step down. (I've been a life long self-harmer. I banged my head against walls as a child. I fight not to do that regularly too) I'm trying to keep as much as i can contained so my family wont see it. Hubs just gets mad and yells at me when i do get caught hitting myself. I'm trying to be sad in secret just to keep the harmony in the house. It's draining, hence the want to be in bed. I've been even having strange urges to go hide in my closet with the door shut.. that's new and weird.



My hubby used to hit himself over the head when he felt depressed. Now that he's on a higher dose of medication he doesn't seem to do it anymore. Sorry I don't have any advice for dealing with it as I was never able to convince him not to do it.


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## lille

You can only get knocked down so many times before you have a hard time getting back up. Before you start to not even wanting to get back up. I don't know how much more I can take.


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## Jack Secret

lille said:


> You can only get knocked down so many times before you have a hard time getting back up. Before you start to not even wanting to get back up. I don't know how much more I can take.



try sharing with us! I can promise that we can work miracles and magically fix everyone's problems, but we all know how important it is to talk about it. Let's all try to help each other Just like we usually do around here


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## lille

My boyfriend is going through some really terrible stuff with his family right now and I'm trying to be supportive but often times his way of dealing is pushing everyone away. I'm emotionally exhausted to the point where it's affecting my school work, I'm having a hard time staying "present" during class, and yesterday I broke down at my internship and had to go home. I have anxiety and he's always been there for me and I want to be there for him but there's only so much I can do. The one time I show that I'm frustrated he says I need to be more understanding, when he has been completely ignoring the fact that while his situation is a lot more stressful than mine, I have needs too,


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## Ho Ho Tai

lille said:


> My boyfriend is going through some really terrible stuff with his family right now and I'm trying to be supportive but often times his way of dealing is pushing everyone away. I'm emotionally exhausted to the point where it's affecting my school work, I'm having a hard time staying "present" during class, and yesterday I broke down at my internship and had to go home. I have anxiety and he's always been there for me and I want to be there for him but there's only so much I can do. The one time I show that I'm frustrated he says I need to be more understanding, when he has been completely ignoring the fact that while his situation is a lot more stressful than mine, I have needs too,



Lille -

It takes a tough old tree to make a good, supportive cane. Anything too willowy and limber is no good. 

From your description, you are pretty young yet. I know you will do the best you can, but don't beat yourself up because you can't do everything, and don't forget to take care of yourself too.

In the days of tall-masted sailing ships, the sailors had an adage "One hand for the ship and one hand for yourself". If you're up in the rigging painting the mast, don't forget to hand on with the other hand.

I'm experiencing some of the issues of old age. My wife, much younger than I am, but much older than you, is very supportive but, like you, can't do everything. Luckily, while I can't do everything, I can still do quite a bit and we muddle through.

I hope your boyfriend is sufficiently cognizant to appreciate your support - or that he soon will be.


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## Surlysomething

I really like this saying. Sage advice as well.


:bow:



Ho Ho Tai said:


> Lille -
> 
> In the days of tall-masted sailing ships, the sailors had an adage "One hand for the ship and one hand for yourself". If you're up in the rigging painting the mast, don't forget to hand on with the other hand.


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## lille

I'm trying to take care of myself between classes and internship and taking care of him. I just have no energy, I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time and in general I've been doing better but this is making it really hard. I've also struggled with self harm and this is not helping.


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## Surlysomething

Every Sunday night I panic a bit and get anxiety at the thought of going to work. Not the job itself but the people that I work with and they way they kill my spirit all day every day.

I stay up super late too, like i'm trying to make Sunday last as long as I possibly can.


----------



## azerty

Surlysomething said:


> Every Sunday night I panic a bit and get anxiety at the thought of going to work. Not the job itself but the people that I work with and they way they kill my spirit all day every day.
> 
> I stay up super late too, like i'm trying to make Sunday as long as I possibly can.



I hope you finally get a good night sleep. Here in France it is now day time, Monday. May the sun shining here enlight your day when you go to work


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## Surlysomething

Thanks so much for your cheerful words. Today is much better so far.





azerty said:


> I hope you finally get a good night sleep. Here in France it is now day time, Monday. May the sun shining here enlight your day when you go to work


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## lucca23v2

Surlysomething said:


> Every Sunday night I panic a bit and get anxiety at the thought of going to work. Not the job itself but the people that I work with and they way they kill my spirit all day every day.
> 
> I stay up super late too, like i'm trying to make Sunday last as long as I possibly can.



I know exactly how you feel. Fridays I am the happiest.. Monday mornings not so much. I stay up late too. I have found that putting on happier music on mondays for me to help and to get things ready the night before so that I can sleep in longer. Little things. I even started watching certain programs because there are groups of co-workers outside of my department that watch the show and get together at lunch to discuss it. it helps alieviate that anxiety for me. I shift it towards being excited to talk about the show(s). Little things you know..


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## Surlysomething

Oh for sure, it's always the little things. Mainly coffee. That liquid brown heaven motivates me every day. Haha.
Music is always paramount in my life. I don't know what I would do with out it.

Thanks for your reply! 



lucca23v2 said:


> I know exactly how you feel. Fridays I am the happiest.. Monday mornings not so much. I stay up late too. I have found that putting on happier music on mondays for me to help and to get things ready the night before so that I can sleep in longer. Little things. I even started watching certain programs because there are groups of co-workers outside of my department that watch the show and get together at lunch to discuss it. it helps alieviate that anxiety for me. I shift it towards being excited to talk about the show(s). Little things you know..


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## lille

I thought things were getting better. They're not. I'm thinking about cutting on a daily basis and suicide a few times a week. I'm exhausted.


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## luvmybhm

hi lillie

i know this sounds a bit harsh....but i would sit your boyfriend down and in a clear concise way tell him that you care for him and are understanding of his current situation, but that he needs to understand that you are also very busy and under your own stress. let him know you do listen and support him, but cannot continue to be mired in his drama on a daily basis. There is a difference between supporting your partner when the times are tough and enabling someone who is an emotional sponge and not good for you.

to be honest, if he has a hissy fit and gets all drama queen about you not throwing your entire life into chaos to be his everything...then I would *set him free. *

_No man is worth your sanity_. I know you may not want to lose him or be alone, but the alternative is not having a happy fulfilled life. With your history and from what you mention above, it is also for your own safety. 

I would strongly recommend you seek counseling. You have issues that can be helped by finding a qualified someone to talk to. Please.


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## lille

He wants me to take care of myself and make sure I'm doing ok, he actually very caring and protective. He definitely doesn't expect me to be his everything, he's not used to having someone who really cares. I just want to do more than I can. Because it's not just "drama", it's repressed traumatic memories and coming to terms with the fact that his parents were abusive and neglectful along with some other stuff. Things have calmed down a bit lately and that isn't a major stressor for me right now. An we did have a talk about stressed that stuff was making me and how I was having a really hard time and he told me I need to tell him when I'm getting that stressed, he doesn't want me to suffer in silence. He has actually helped immensely with my mental health. My friends have commented that they got really worried about me last semester and how I seem to be much less anxious this semester. It's just been a bad few weeks. I haven told him about the thoughts because I know I won't act on them and it would just stress him out. I told him I'd tell him I was thinking about cutting if I really thought I was close to doing it but not if I was just thinking about it. I can't afford counseling right now, I'm a grad student in a counseling program.


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## lille

I realized that when I said "I thought things were getting better" it sounds like I was talking about the situation with my boyfriend, but that has gotten better, I was referring to my thoughts about self harm. During my winter break from school I had no thoughts of self harm and I didn't for while into the semester. But now the combination of being stressed and talking about suicide, self harm, isolation, and other stuff in my classes has made those thoughts come back.


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## x0emnem0x

Saw a picture of my ex with his girlfriend... they look ridiculously happy and now today I just feel like shit. A couple weeks ago I had self harmed for the first time in years but for a completely different reason. Worried that I might again. But I know I'm better than that. Stronger. Things just aren't right.


----------



## Fuzzy

Pictures set me off alot. No matter how much I block on FB or avoid through other means, I think Gene Wilder's voice "Damn Your Eyes!".. (which is followed by the next line.. "Nope.. too late") when I see something like the above.

I prick my fingers four to five times a day to measure my bsg. Allowable self harm followed by a jab with a needle. 

Jane, stop this crazy thing.


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## lille

We know what self-harm looks like, the textbook really didn't need to include graphic pictures.

I don't know if my constant fiddling with one of my most common self harm tools is helpful or harmful. I have no plans to use it, but just touching the sharpness is sort of calming.


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## HottiMegan

for the first time in my life long struggle with depression, i have actually lost my appetite. I have to force myself to eat. I'm eating maybe a third of what i did. I am not complaining though. It's cheaper for me to eat less. I'm just in one of those deep valleys and i'm clawing to crawl out of it.


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## lille

Things have gotten better over all, but this weekend was really rough. Made me realize then when I move in with my boyfriend I'm going to have to talk to him about locking all the guns in a safe that I can't open.


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## petersmyth79

thought i'd add my 2 cents to this thread, I don't really talk to anyone about depression(partly because they would panic and be no help anyway); i am happy but i know i walk a thin line between happy and totally not. i can feel the walls closing in right now. i don't think anyone really understands me. life has too much pressure right now and i can't see an end to the pressure in sight. if i said this to my fiance/family/friends they would panic and lecture me (which is very useful). all i know is that the people i am close to are not as understanding as they think they are; anyway they are not me and they don't understand. all i can say with certainty is that something has to give because this is unsustainable... sorry to hijack this thread and have a rant


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## Surlysomething

Welcome to the thread, there are a lot of great people here that struggle just like you and give a lot of support and understanding.

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can talk to the people in your life but I can totally relate. Have you talked to your Dr. though? There might be support systems they can recommend for you or maybe you can talk about the option of medication. 

I personally try to not be too hard on myself when I feel really down. Make time to do the things that make you happy. All work and no play doesn't help ANYONE. I feel better if I eat well and sleep well and breathe some fresh air.

I hope you start to feel better soon and stop by here anytime if you need to vent.

Tina





petersmyth79 said:


> thought i'd add my 2 cents to this thread, I don't really talk to anyone about depression(partly because they would panic and be no help anyway); i am happy but i know i walk a thin line between happy and totally not. i can feel the walls closing in right now. i don't think anyone really understands me. life has too much pressure right now and i can't see an end to the pressure in sight. if i said this to my fiance/family/friends they would panic and lecture me (which is very useful). all i know is that the people i am close to are not as understanding as they think they are; anyway they are not me and they don't understand. all i can say with certainty is that something has to give because this is unsustainable... sorry to hijack this thread and have a rant


----------



## penguin

I feel like disappearing from everything for a while.


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## HottiMegan

I sometimes regret getting rid of all my razors. The need for that soothing cut is so strong.


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## lille

Successfully beat back thoughts of self harm all on my own even though I was away from all my usual coping methods. I'm proud of myself.


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## lucca23v2

lille said:


> Successfully beat back thoughts of self harm all on my own even though I was away from all my usual coping methods. I'm proud of myself.



That is awesome! I know it is tough to not resort to self harm, but it is good that you were able to resist it on your own.


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## loopytheone

I admit that it has been so difficult for me lately. I had already been diagnosed for the last month or so as having a mental health breakdown and then the whole drama with my ex fiance kicked off... long story short I ended up with crisis team knocking on my door and being under constant supervision by my family for days, which is annoying as all hell. 

Along with my chronic fatigue syndrome I have been hopeless sleeping for about four hours, waking up for one, and then going back to sleep for four all day and night for weeks. Then some genius from the house opposite us decided to throw a knife into our garden and jump in to get it back... I have an anxiety disorder and it got to the point where a small girl from next door knocked on our door and I was on the verge of having a panic attack from the noise and the stress and everything even though my sister answered the door (I don't answer doors, sets of my panic attacks) and I was watching from inside another room. 

And now I am getting unnecessarily hassled on here because someone doesn't like how I look in one effing picture. Kinda makes me wanna brain someone.


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## lizzie_lotr

Hi Loopy!!!!

I hope things get better for you, I know panic attacks can be awful and physically draining as well, so I hope you take care of yourself and start to feel better!

I was just on the thread where a comment was made about your appearance (or shirt size rather). I wanted to respond to that woman (can't remember her name) but thought it would be a waste of my time. However, telling you that you looked gorgeous and to ignore comments by jealous, insecure women is something I felt compelled to do!! 

Don't let others bring you down :happy:


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## loopytheone

lizzie_lotr said:


> Hi Loopy!!!!
> 
> I hope things get better for you, I know panic attacks can be awful and physically draining as well, so I hope you take care of yourself and start to feel better!
> 
> I was just on the thread where a comment was made about your appearance (or shirt size rather). I wanted to respond to that woman (can't remember her name) but thought it would be a waste of my time. However, telling you that you looked gorgeous and to ignore comments by jealous, insecure women is something I felt compelled to do!!
> 
> Don't let others bring you down :happy:



Thank you so much for your message, I can't say how much it means to me! :happy:

The panic attacks are really draining but I am hoping that in time they will start to get less frequent. I tend to get times when they happen a lot and times when I hardly get them at all. That is life, I guess!

Thank you for your support on that, I admit it really upset me getting such comments. You are right, it is a waste of time bothering with her but it really means a lot that you have given me such support and lovely comments so thank you so much for that, you are awesome!


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## lizzie_lotr

You're very welcome Loopy!!


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## lille

Loopy, have you ever tried any breathing exercises? I know that that's something that has helped me when I get panicky and because the emotional and physical are so closely linked, sometimes controlling the physical symptoms of a panic attack, like preventing the rapid breathing, can help decrease the emotional symptoms as well.

An easy to remember one is 7/11 breathing. Inhale to the count of seven and exhale to the count of eleven. It helps you breathe more slowly and deeply which has a calming affect.


----------



## loopytheone

lille said:


> Loopy, have you ever tried any breathing exercises? I know that that's something that has helped me when I get panicky and because the emotional and physical are so closely linked, sometimes controlling the physical symptoms of a panic attack, like preventing the rapid breathing, can help decrease the emotional symptoms as well.
> 
> An easy to remember one is 7/11 breathing. Inhale to the count of seven and exhale to the count of eleven. It helps you breathe more slowly and deeply which has a calming affect.



No, I haven't tried any breathing exercises to be honest, I have heard about them but I have never known what any actually are. I tend to get rapid breathing when I get anxious as well so it really might help. I have never heard of that breathing technique before but I will definitely try it out, thank you so much for the advice!


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## lille

One of my personal favorites is blowing bubbles. You have to control and focus on your breath in order to blow bubbles so it can be a good self regulating tool.


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## devinprater

Hi all. I struggle with depression, and dispondency.


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## lille

The only reason I'm resisting a giant downwards spiral right now is because it wouldn't be fair to him.


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## lille

I haven't thought about cutting in a few weeks, up until tonight that is. I don't know what's wrong with me.


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## Saisha

lille said:


> I haven't thought about cutting in a few weeks, up until tonight that is. I don't know what's wrong with me.



Sweetie, please don't!

Please.


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## Jack Secret

lille said:


> I haven't thought about cutting in a few weeks, up until tonight that is. I don't know what's wrong with me.



It's great that you went for two whole weeks! That's something to really be proud of


----------



## dharmabean

lille said:


> I haven't thought about cutting in a few weeks, up until tonight that is. I don't know what's wrong with me.





Jack Secret said:


> It's great that you went for two whole weeks! That's something to really be proud of



Jack is right.You went two weeks, that's a great accomplishment. When you're in a trigger/cycle and feel like cutting, try to remember to support yourself too.

Do you practice mindfulness? 
Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. Breathe out for 4, hold for 4. The slow breathing will help you breathe through the moment. 
Try to close your eyes, listen to your surroundings, listen to your body, listen to your thoughts. 

I won't tell you not to cut, you're cutting for a reason. (By all means I'm not encouraging it either. But, I understand it.)
I will say if you need to vent and work through the trigger, I'm just a message away. 

You're worth more than you're giving yourself credit for. You made strides. Two weeks, that's 14 days. Congratulations. :happy:


----------



## lille

I hadn't had thoughts about cutting in a few weeks, I haven't actually cut in over a year maybe two, I don't really remember. I know me cutting would absolutely destroy my boyfriend so I won't do it, it just sucks to have the thoughts when I know they're unhealthy and irrational. I'm halfway through my master's degree in expressive arts therapy and counseling psychology. I just get frustrated with myself that despite having healthy coping skills, understanding CBT, etc etc I still have the thoughts.


----------



## Saisha

lille said:


> I hadn't had thoughts about cutting in a few weeks, I haven't actually cut in over a year maybe two, I don't really remember. I know me cutting would absolutely destroy my boyfriend so I won't do it, it just sucks to have the thoughts when I know they're unhealthy and irrational. I'm halfway through my master's degree in expressive arts therapy and counseling psychology. I just get frustrated with myself that despite having healthy coping skills, understanding CBT, etc etc I still have the thoughts.



Another cheerleader in your corner  the main thing is that you recognize it and are able to move beyond the desire to do so. That shows real strength of character and I am proud of you - especially being under pressure for working on getting your master's degree 

You go girl! :bow:


----------



## lille

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. During Orientation my advisor warned us that there's something about being grad school that causes all possible shit to hit the fan and it seems to be true.


----------



## Saisha

Joining the ranks....

My mom is a long-term cancer endurer - fortunately it is slow growth, rare but at least her leukemia is in remission. My sister (disabled) was recently informed that she has a tumor at the head of her pancreas on the outside, no other symptoms and is in monitoring mode. I know I should be grateful for all this and I am but there has been a hell of a lot of stress at home the past few weeks between resolving a financial disaster, a death in the family, coping with all the family health issues, being a primary caretaker plus messing up my ankle/shoulder, trying to job hunt, keeping everyone on course at home when nerves get out of whack to help ease people off the edge and focus on finding solutions instead of wallowing in problems (I know, pot calling kettle), coming to terms with accepting myself more as is instead of you should be this way or that, horrible neighbors and not being able to move right now, being very anemic and dealing with iron infusions that zap my energy for a couple of days each time - and being homesick for the ocean (I go through this at the start of every summer). Oh and the car brakes need work and they have to wait a bit, which I do not like at all. We won't even talk about the insomnia.

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, vent, get angry, calm down, relax, be pro-active, stick to normal routine, have mini-escapes, exercise - any and all and repeat as necessary - or just stick my head in the sand with my ass in the air and fart into the wind so the world will go on by.

I'm just really really feeling down right now - too much going on and I don't like the feeling of not having enough control, even when taking all necessary precautionary steps, being proactive, adjusting as necessary, sticking to normal routine, brainstorming etc.

Ugh. think I need a drink and I don't drink.

Don't mind me, just venting.

and crying.


----------



## bayone

I've no advice, but offer a virtual hug.


----------



## Tad

bayone said:


> I've no advice, but offer a virtual hug.



Same here.

Well, one piece of advice. Vent as necessary. It's OK to talk about all this stuff, if it helps you at all.


----------



## Saisha

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, hugs, etc. They are deeply appreciated and I only hope i can reciprocate / pay it forward when needed.


----------



## Marlayna

loopytheone said:


> No, I haven't tried any breathing exercises to be honest, I have heard about them but I have never known what any actually are. I tend to get rapid breathing when I get anxious as well so it really might help. I have never heard of that breathing technique before but I will definitely try it out, thank you so much for the advice!


Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Slowing down your breathing is a great tool. I use it many times when I leave the house by myself...
and I take Zoloft every day.


----------



## Marlayna

Saisha said:


> Joining the ranks....
> 
> My mom is a long-term cancer endurer - fortunately it is slow growth, rare but at least her leukemia is in remission. My sister (disabled) was recently informed that she has a tumor at the head of her pancreas on the outside, no other symptoms and is in monitoring mode. I know I should be grateful for all this and I am but there has been a hell of a lot of stress at home the past few weeks between resolving a financial disaster, a death in the family, coping with all the family health issues, being a primary caretaker plus messing up my ankle/shoulder, trying to job hunt, keeping everyone on course at home when nerves get out of whack to help ease people off the edge and focus on finding solutions instead of wallowing in problems (I know, pot calling kettle), coming to terms with accepting myself more as is instead of you should be this way or that, horrible neighbors and not being able to move right now, being very anemic and dealing with iron infusions that zap my energy for a couple of days each time - and being homesick for the ocean (I go through this at the start of every summer). Oh and the car brakes need work and they have to wait a bit, which I do not like at all. We won't even talk about the insomnia.
> 
> I don't know whether to laugh, cry, vent, get angry, calm down, relax, be pro-active, stick to normal routine, have mini-escapes, exercise - any and all and repeat as necessary - or just stick my head in the sand with my ass in the air and fart into the wind so the world will go on by.
> 
> I'm just really really feeling down right now - too much going on and I don't like the feeling of not having enough control, even when taking all necessary precautionary steps, being proactive, adjusting as necessary, sticking to normal routine, brainstorming etc.
> 
> Ugh. think I need a drink and I don't drink.
> 
> Don't mind me, just venting.
> 
> and crying.


So sorry that you're carrying so many burdens, I hope the situations in your life improve. You may want to join a group for care-givers, either on-line or in person.
Do you have some friends that can help raise your spirits by going out with them for a change in scenery?
I too, go to the ocean to clear my head, the sea air is invigorating, and the majesty of it all, spiritually uplifts me.
Speaking of spirituality, praying for answers on how to deal with your troubles, can help enormously. It doesn't have to be about religion, just about giving one's problems to God, for want of a better word.


----------



## Saisha

Marlayna said:


> So sorry that you're carrying so many burdens, I hope the situations in your life improve. You may want to join a group for care-givers, either on-line or in person.
> Do you have some friends that can help raise your spirits by going out with them for a change in scenery?
> I too, go to the ocean to clear my head, the sea air is invigorating, and the majesty of it all, spiritually uplifts me.
> Speaking of spirituality, praying for answers on how to deal with your troubles, can help enormously. It doesn't have to be about religion, just about giving one's problems to God, for want of a better word.



Thank you for your kind words - I have a very deep faith in God (in my own unique way) and so does my family - we definitely believe in the power of prayer etc. I've tried care-giver support groups before but just not quite my thing for a variety of reasons - they are a wonderful and much needed resource - my friends and I do go out to relax and goof-off a bit but there's been too much going on at once to really do that right now. Fortunately things are starting to ease just a bit - last night I felt like I was going over the edge emotionally speaking and needed pulling back (I don't know if that makes sense or not - it was all just too overwhelming) - I have delayed reactions at times to things and situations because I am usually in management mode - I know I need to take a bit of time to focus more on me once in a blue moon - but I always don't have the time/energy/desire to. 

I totally relate about the ocean - it is the one place I always find peace, inspiration and strength - it runs deep in my DNA - if my family dynamics were different, I would be working in the marine science/oceanography field - I have slowly been working on my degree in marine science and hope to have my PhD someday - don't know what I will do with it  but the journey is worth it. 

Don't mind me - just rambling on here - as usual


----------



## x0emnem0x

One of my brothers just went to the hospital psych ward the other day because of his depression issues... being suicidal and such. Please keep him in your thoughts. We don't always see on the same page but I hope that he is okay and prayed for him, I imagine you all somewhat know how he feels but he just couldn't take it anymore. His ex left him high and dry (literally he was on a bunch of drugs and has no money apparently) depressed out of his mind after he spent all his money putting her through rehab and then she ran off with some other guy... so he's having troubles right now.


----------



## Saisha

x0emnem0x said:


> One of my brothers just went to the hospital psych ward the other day because of his depression issues... being suicidal and such. Please keep him in your thoughts. We don't always see on the same page but I hope that he is okay and prayed for him, I imagine you all somewhat know how he feels but he just couldn't take it anymore. His ex left him high and dry (literally he was on a bunch of drugs and has no money apparently) depressed out of his mind after he spent all his money putting her through rehab and then she ran off with some other guy... so he's having troubles right now.



Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## lille

I hope your brother gets the help he needs an starts to feel better. Lots of positive thoughts being sent his way.


----------



## petersmyth79

Surlysomething said:


> Welcome to the thread, there are a lot of great people here that struggle just like you and give a lot of support and understanding.
> 
> I'm sorry you don't feel like you can talk to the people in your life but I can totally relate. Have you talked to your Dr. though? There might be support systems they can recommend for you or maybe you can talk about the option of medication.
> 
> I personally try to not be too hard on myself when I feel really down. Make time to do the things that make you happy. All work and no play doesn't help ANYONE. I feel better if I eat well and sleep well and breathe some fresh air.
> 
> I hope you start to feel better soon and stop by here anytime if you need to vent.
> 
> Tina



G'day Tina, 
I am not as bad as i was. Thank you for your support  it feels great to know that people like you care   if anyone wants to add me to their skype account: WICKEDXE


----------



## petersmyth79

HottiMegan said:


> for the first time in my life long struggle with depression, i have actually lost my appetite. I have to force myself to eat. I'm eating maybe a third of what i did. I am not complaining though. It's cheaper for me to eat less. I'm just in one of those deep valleys and i'm clawing to crawl out of it.



I'm very sorry you have been down, you are awesome!  if you ever need someone to talk to my skype user name is: wickedxe


----------



## loopytheone

I hope things for everybody in this thread are starting to look up. I wouldn't wish depression on anybody but I know you are all strong people and will get through it. 

I recently experienced full-on depression for the first time in several years. I have had depression my whole life but my medication has worked wonders reducing the symptoms these last few years. It makes the difference between being too depressed to try and actually being able to make an effort to improve things for myself. 

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I saw a new psychiatrist for my anxiety, as after me and my ex broke up I started having panic attacks in my own house and was generally struggling. She wanted to change my antidepressants to ones that work better for anxiety as well as depression and I was happy with that. But not only did she not remember what medication she prescribed me (she phoned me up several days later asking me what tablets she had given me) she also gave me the wrong information on dosage. She told me in the meeting to take one tablet a day until my next meeting with her (a month later) and we would see whether or not we needed to increase the tablets then. Sounded good.

For the first week it was good, my anxiety reduced and I was relieved. Then these past two weeks I have just been in a haze of depression I haven't felt for years, struggling to eat, getting no pleasure for it, not talking to anybody online or in real life and refusing to wash or leave the house. A few days ago we needed to get more tablets from my GP where they informed me that the proper dose for my medication was one tablet a day for the first week and then two tablets a day... and that is what she had told them in her letter to them, so they had had a prescription for extra medication ready for me for two weeks without telling me. These past three days or so I have been taking two tablets everyday and my depression has almost completely lifted, it feels like waking up from a bad dream. Can't say I am happy with the psychiatrist for this but I am glad to be feeling a bit better.


----------



## Saisha

loopytheone said:


> Your post....



((((((gentlest hugs to you)))))) Glad you are feeling better


----------



## spookytwigg

So I've not been on the board in ages, my depression has been keeping me from wanting to be online. I'd been on some anti-depressants for absolutely ages and although I'd felt them lessening in use I just couldn't get myself to go to the doctors to get them changed.

Hopefully the new ones will be good, but I've just had to go through withdrawl from the first set and then there's a couple of weeks till the next set kicks in properly. 

Good luck to everyone else on here who's suffering.


----------



## Saisha

spookytwigg said:


> Hopefully the new ones will be good....



Wishing you well on adjusting to the new meds and hope things will start improving for you overall.


----------



## Surlysomething

Something's gotta give, man.


And soon.


----------



## HottiMegan

I'm going through something that i just zone out. I stare blankly into space and almost tune the world out. Can't really help it but it's just a momentary escape.


----------



## Surlysomething

I feel like nothing.
Numb.


----------



## Surlysomething

Trust issues.
Self loathing.

Rinse, repeat.


----------



## Dromond

This is me.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Dromond said:


> This is me.



Agreed. GPOY.


----------



## lille

Trying to stay afloat


----------



## Jah

I'm going through a medication change at the moment and the withdrawals are horrible. I was on this medication for four years and it wasn't working very well and they kept putting up my dosage because of it. In general it wasn't very effective. I was having problems with side effects so the psychiatrist suggested I try a new medication. Well with this new medication I'm on the lowest dosage. I guess I wasn't as mentally ill as I thought. I wish I had changed medication years ago and not have to have gone through this. Now I've been putting up with weeks of withdrawals as I slowly go down the four dosages. It's an emotional roller coaster and at times I've been suicidal. I haven't felt this bad since my sister died.


----------



## Surlysomething

Ugh. I feel you on this one as the whole changing medication thing can be so challenging and scary. I went from one to another some years ago and I felt like driving my car into oncoming traffic.

Hang in there though and hopefully things smooth out and you start feeling more upbeat. Always reach out to someone if you're feeling particularly bad, but you know this already. 

Take care!



Jah said:


> I'm going through a medication change at the moment and the withdrawals are horrible. I was on this medication for four years and it wasn't working very well and they kept putting up my dosage because of it. In general it wasn't very effective. I was having problems with side effects so the psychiatrist suggested I try a new medication. Well with this new medication I'm on the lowest dosage. I guess I wasn't as mentally ill as I thought. I wish I had changed medication years ago and not have to have gone through this. Now I've been putting up with weeks of withdrawals as I slowly go down the four dosages. It's an emotional roller coaster and at times I've been suicidal. I haven't felt this bad since my sister died.


----------



## Surlysomething

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

Breathe. 



lille said:


> Trying to stay afloat


----------



## Jah

Surlysomething said:


> Ugh. I feel you on this one as the whole changing medication thing can be so challenging and scary. I went from one to another some years ago and I felt like driving my car into oncoming traffic.
> 
> Hang in there though and hopefully things smooth out and you start feeling more upbeat. Always reach out to someone if you're feeling particularly bad, but you know this already.
> 
> Take care!



Thank you for the support! You describe the feeling of withdrawals well.


----------



## Surlysomething

I just did one of the scariest things i've ever done in my entire life.

I asked for help.


----------



## lille

Surlysomething said:


> I just did one of the scariest things i've ever done in my entire life.
> 
> I asked for help.



I'm so proud of you. It's not an easy thing to do.


----------



## Jack Secret

Surlysomething said:


> I just did one of the scariest things i've ever done in my entire life.
> 
> I asked for help.



Congratulations!


----------



## x0emnem0x

I'm hoping that if I get this job, when I go to the doctor next month I'll be able to mention my depression and anxiety and get some help for it. Medication or otherwise... I need money for meds, and even with insurance, I have no income... so praying for this job, and praying that I have the strength to actually mention my depression rather than just ignoring it like I've done my entire life. I've just really been out of it lately...


----------



## Dromond

Surlysomething said:


> I just did one of the scariest things i've ever done in my entire life.
> 
> I asked for help.



That's a huge step, and I congratulate you for having the guts to do it.


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks, everyone. 

I've had medical help before...this is actually help from getting out from underneath something that's making my life pretty horrible and needs to be dealt with.

I feel a huge relief though. I cried the whole time I asked for help but at the same time I felt free for the first time in forever.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Surlysomething said:


> Thanks, everyone.
> 
> I've had medical help before...this is actually help from getting out from underneath something that's making my life pretty horrible and needs to be dealt with.
> 
> I feel a huge relief though. I cried the whole time I asked for help but at the same time I felt free for the first time in forever.



It's so relieving even when you're crying just to get things off of your chest especially those which are bugging you to the extent of not being able to function. I can't wait for that feeling and I am so proud of you!


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks. I have a couple more things to conquer but it's a good start. 



x0emnem0x said:


> It's so relieving even when you're crying just to get things off of your chest especially those which are bugging you to the extent of not being able to function. I can't wait for that feeling and I am so proud of you!


----------



## Marlayna

I've been taking Zoloft for a couple of months, and I no longer have the unwanted thoughts of gloom and doom. It's like a heavy weight has been lifted, and I feel normal again. I get a lot more done, and there's no more crying jags for no reason. My husband has even noticed how much I've improved, and he's thankful for that.


----------



## Dromond

It is so difficult some days to deal with my disabilities along with my depression. I've been putting off cleaning and laundry for a week now, and it had finally gotten to the point it could no longer be ignored. The kitchen was a wreck and I had no clean clothes other than stuff to wear at home.

I spent the whole day doing dibs and dabs, working at the laundry and the kitchen. The rest of the apartment needs attention, but the kitchen was by far the worst. There were other things I had to do, like replacing a headlight on my truck and going to the grocery store. I finally finished up the kitchen a few minutes ago. I don't have a dishwasher, so I have to do dishes by hand. The laundry is clean, but not folded and put away. That's not going to happen tonight, wrinkles be damned.

I want to be normal. I want to be able to do these things without having to think about how much it's going to hurt and what I'll have to suffer. I wish I had the energy to do all this and not count the cost. The average person can replace a headlight, do two loads of laundry, wash dishes, and not have anything more than irritation to show for it. Me? I'm drenched in sweat, trembling with pain and exhaustion. It hurts so much to stand at the sink washing dishes. Laundry is a marathon to me. Today I did so much, by my standards, I'm going to be paying for it big time tomorrow.

Nobody promised me life would be fair. It's cruel, it's arbitrary, and there are times I feel forsaken by God. I made a promise to my wife, Corinne, to live and try to find happiness. That didn't work out with Jackie, but the promise still binds me. Some days the promise is the only thing keeping me going.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Dromond said:


> ...



I know all of these feels... some days are just better than others, am I right? Just live for the good days. I've been struggling myself buddy. *hugs*


----------



## Saisha

Dromond said:


> Your post....



This is probably too obvious but have you had your iron, potassium and magnesium levels checked lately?

Consider having groceries delivered once in a while - we do through Safeway once a month for the real heavy things.

Best thing I ever spent 3 bucks on was finding a wooden bar stool at a Goodwill. No cushion or back to it but the seat does swivel. We keep it in the kitchen and sometimes I sit on it when doing the dishes (by hand) or rest on it for a minute or so when I need to - makes a huge difference.

(((((((((((((((((((((((gentlest hugs to you))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are not forgotten....


----------



## bbwbud

Dromond said:


> It is so difficult some days to deal with my disabilities along with my depression. I've been putting off cleaning and laundry for a week now, and it had finally gotten to the point it could no longer be ignored. The kitchen was a wreck and I had no clean clothes other than stuff to wear at home.
> 
> I spent the whole day doing dibs and dabs, working at the laundry and the kitchen. The rest of the apartment needs attention, but the kitchen was by far the worst. There were other things I had to do, like replacing a headlight on my truck and going to the grocery store. I finally finished up the kitchen a few minutes ago. I don't have a dishwasher, so I have to do dishes by hand. The laundry is clean, but not folded and put away. That's not going to happen tonight, wrinkles be damned.
> 
> I want to be normal. I want to be able to do these things without having to think about how much it's going to hurt and what I'll have to suffer. I wish I had the energy to do all this and not count the cost. The average person can replace a headlight, do two loads of laundry, wash dishes, and not have anything more than irritation to show for it. Me? I'm drenched in sweat, trembling with pain and exhaustion. It hurts so much to stand at the sink washing dishes. Laundry is a marathon to me. Today I did so much, by my standards, I'm going to be paying for it big time tomorrow.
> 
> Nobody promised me life would be fair. It's cruel, it's arbitrary, and there are times I feel forsaken by God. I made a promise to my wife, Corinne, to live and try to find happiness. That didn't work out with Jackie, but the promise still binds me. Some days the promise is the only thing keeping me going.



I have been known to critcize you in less serious threads, but I wish you all the best. I'll say a prayer for you, and know that God has forsaken no one and is always there for you. Just keep plugging one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.


----------



## MsBrightside

Dromond, congratulations on getting so much accomplished; I'm just sorry that doing so causes you pain. It's not that environmentally friendly, but please consider paper plates, napkins, etc.; and who gives a rat's posterior if things like underwear and socks are folded? It's so not worth it. Ditto on things like making the bed, unless it's just to drag the sheets and coverings back into place now and then. Unless someone's coming over, it seems rather pointless. When one's strength and energy is limited, it makes sense to spend them on things that truly matter. I like your attitude about wrinkles!

Everything you said about life is true, and I wish you could find more comfort in your faith. Please remember, though, if you ever feel alone sometimes, that your presence here means so much to so many; someone told me that we often underestimate how significant it can be just to be there for someone else, not necessarily saying anything profound or feeling as if we're doing all that much--just being there, a bit like a light in the darkness. I think you might be surprised how many people think of you that way. 

Marlayna and Surly, I'm happy that things are looking up for you, and x0emnem0x, I'm still hoping that you get that job and that things turn around for you soon.


----------



## Surlysomething

Thanks.

I'm stubborn, hallelujah. Haha
Plus it's cresting on my favourite time of the year, Autumn. 



MsBrightside said:


> Surly, I'm happy that things are looking up for you, and x0emnem0x, I'm still hoping that you get that job and that things turn around for you soon.


----------



## HottiMegan

I can kind of measure the level of down i have to how clean i am.. taking care of myself just drains me. I am so down to the point that i have started drinking. I never drank before. It numbs me and lets me fall asleep at night. It scares me a little but i don't have money for copays for doctors, and that in itself brings me down. I am such a failure, not being able to work and help support the family. I avoid looking in the mirror now because can't stand the sight of myself. I was elated when i ran across my cutting kit but have resisted using it. 
My marriage is affected. My eldest gets scared when i am sitting here crying. I try my best to only sob while alone but sometimes it just bursts forth. If only god would just take it all away for me. I hate myself so very much.


----------



## lille

HottiMegan said:


> I can kind of measure the level of down i have to how clean i am.. taking care of myself just drains me. I am so down to the point that i have started drinking. I never drank before. It numbs me and lets me fall asleep at night. It scares me a little but i don't have money for copays for doctors, and that in itself brings me down. I am such a failure, not being able to work and help support the family. I avoid looking in the mirror now because can't stand the sight of myself. I was elated when i ran across my cutting kit but have resisted using it.
> My marriage is affected. My eldest gets scared when i am sitting here crying. I try my best to only sob while alone but sometimes it just bursts forth. If only god would just take it all away for me. I hate myself so very much.


Hang in there. You are not a failure. You are a person with an illness and that illness is affecting your ability to do things such as work. Psychologists are ethically obligated by the APA to do a certain amount of pro bono work. Maybe there is someone in your area who may be able to work with you for free or for a highly reduced fee. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.


----------



## Saisha

HottiMegan said:


> I can....



I think you are a phenomenal beautiful woman who is going through hell and back right now and is scared shitless. You can get and will get through this - you do not have to go through it alone. Getting help is not a crutch or being a failure. 

Someone or some organization in this link can and will help you....if I was still down in NoCA, I'd be driving you there myself....

http://www.helpcentral.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/LCNC-October2013_web_10-17final.pdf

P.s. and if that is not the right county, ask them and they will have the names and numbers of people in the right county who can and will help you!


----------



## x0emnem0x

MsBrightside said:


> x0emnem0x, I'm still hoping that you get that job and that things turn around for you soon.



Thank you. I haven't heard back but I am going to call soon and see if there is an update about it. There is also a potential job not as close but I have a good chance of getting it I think... fingers crossed.


----------



## Surlysomething

I don't think i've felt this alone in my entire life.


But I definitely know the type of person I am and the type of people my family are. I've always known the truth and struggled against it and tried to make it work, but I know now that it's never going to happen. I mean very little to these people. Maybe i'm a bit too tender-hearted, maybe i'm a bit smarter and see through the bullshit easier, maybe i'm not as simple-minded, but right now...i'm way more done with being treated like a nothing than i've ever been. People make time for the things in their life that matter, right? One would hope. Time for me..virtually non-existent unless they're keeping up with appearances or they need something.

Do you have people you can count on in your family? I'm not sure if I do and that's a gross feeling. The one saving grace is that I have a few friends that care about me and are concerned for my well being. Not sure what I would do without them and I really don't like thinking about it too much.

I'm trying to put things in place so I don't need my family to fall back on at all. It's coming along, slowly but surely. Always have your own back. Always.


----------



## Saisha

Surlysomething said:


> Your post....



(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs & prayers)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


----------



## Mishty

It's been almost a month since I told my friend with benefits that I couldn't handle his 'dominate' petty comments about everything in my life. My first almost relationship with an fa and it sucked. I hadn't even realized how much energy I was putting into it,wanting it to be real...but it was horrific. I just wanted someone to want me for me,and for me to be enough,but I was 'too sad to fuck' most of the time. He made me sad. It made me sad to think I was so simple I needed validation from a man to prove....something. He wanted an actual partnership and I knew I wasn't ready for that at all. I'm so broken and confused by his ability to hurt me. I'm so loud and vocal about shit-men,and then I turned around and settled,because goddammit I was lonely. I'm always lonely. My friends take me places,cancel events to spend time alone with me,they dote on me...and I can't make myself be pleased by their actions. I can force a smile and laugh and make them feel like they made a difference,but mostly I go home and get stoned and cry all over my dogs. 

No one wants the clown to be sad. Nobody can handle a broken down fat crybaby. None of my super active people can understand my physical limitations are worsened by my depression. Yes my hip is throbbing from sitting on a boat,no I can't climb the stairs,yes my head is pounding from trying to make smalltalk about everything. No I don't want a beer,no I don't want to talk about it. Yes I know I have so much in my life. Yes,I'm so lucky. 
Nope,I shouldn't be sad. 

I'm jobless,too broke for college,I almost have a limp,my body isn't aging well. 
I feel repulsive a majority of the time,and the other times when I feel almost appealing...I'm just manic. 

I swear...if my parents weren't alive...I wouldn't be either. 
Life just feels like a shitty job at this point. 
No going up.
Nothing to look forward to,but more bad feelings and horrible body pains.
I'd kill for something,anything,to be wonderful enough to make me excited.
I want to feel joy. 


I'm just so fucking tired of being so fucking tired.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Mishty said:


> ...



I've found myself saying pretty much the same exact things, verbatim, to how you're feeling... and if there is one think I can say, it is please hold on... hang in there. You are amazing and you deserve amazing things! I've been lonely, I still am and my emotions are roller coaster city... but just wait for the sunshine, as it is waiting for you dear! And things will get better. It's okay to feel how you feel and no one should tell you different! I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone... *hugsssss* <3


----------



## Paul

x0emnem0x said:


> I've found myself saying pretty much the same exact things, verbatim, to how you're feeling... and if there is one think I can say, it is please hold on... hang in there. You are amazing and you deserve amazing things! I've been lonely, I still am and my emotions are roller coaster city... but just wait for the sunshine, as it is waiting for you dear! And things will get better. It's okay to feel how you feel and no one should tell you different! I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone... *hugsssss* <3



x0emnem0x and Mishty never choose to remain in a relationship that doesn't feel right just so you will not have to be lonely. You deserve to be with someone who is 110% right for you. I believe you already know this.


----------



## Saisha

Was dealt a personal physical blow this morning and I haven't really been able to stop crying since. I'll be o.k. in the long run, but doesn't help now when already feeling like crap about yourself. Oh well, at least I did help a friend feel a tad better earlier today and that helps.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Saisha said:


> Was dealt a personal physical blow this morning and I haven't really been able to stop crying since. I'll be o.k. in the long run, but doesn't help now when already feeling like crap about yourself. Oh well, at least I did help a friend feel a tad better earlier today and that helps.



HUGS!!! I wuvvles you lady! Keep that beautiful chin up!


----------



## Jack Secret

Mishty said:


> I'm just so fucking tired of being so fucking tired.



Unfortunately, I've noticed An unusually high number of complaints in BBW/Fa relationships. Of course your mileage may vary. It does suck though :really sad:

What happened with your work? I thought you were a teacher 

Sorry you're having so much bad luck lately. It's unusual for you to not be cynical and bubbly :really sad:


----------



## Saisha

Just hitched up my big girl panties and emailed my doctor about starting treatment for depression. I've had it trying to self-repair when I know I need a bit of assistance so I can properly focus again.


----------



## Saisha

So tomorrow is the day I finally am able to get in and talk to my doctor about depression. It's really funny how when other people (not here) talk about it, everyone is so supportive but when I mentioned it one time, it's like, who let in the big elephant into the room and how well can we ignore it? Some people really suck sometimes.


----------



## lille

Saisha said:


> So tomorrow is the day I finally am able to get in and talk to my doctor about depression. It's really funny how when other people (not here) talk about it, everyone is so supportive but when I mentioned it one time, it's like, who let in the big elephant into the room and how well can we ignore it? Some people really suck sometimes.



People definitely can suck. I'm glad you're talking to your doctor and hopefully they can make a referral to a therapist for you. I hope it all goes well.


----------



## lille

My period totally fucks with my mental health and adding the stress of school, trying to plan four different birthday events, and dealing with negotiating holidays with divorced parents, and my internship I'm a mess this week. I've been able to hod it together and keep focused at my internship but once I leave it all floods back and my car rides int he morning are rough. I had a day last week where I felt awesome about my body and that's totally gone. I've been having passive thoughts of self-harm, no intention but I still don't like having the thoughts. I'm exhausted and it's only October.


----------



## Saisha

lille said:


> Your posts....



Thank you and gentlest hugs to you - hope you feel better and just try to do things in small increments and remember, you're allowed to be human, no need to be Wonder Woman 24/7/365!


----------



## lille

Saisha said:


> Thank you and gentlest hugs to you - hope you feel better and just try to do things in small increments and remember, you're allowed to be human, no need to be Wonder Woman 24/7/365!



I'm trying to take time for me. It just sort of feels like a balancing act and if I stop for a breath everything is going to fall. It's to the point where my own birthday is stressing me out because my mom wanted to do something, my dad wants to do something, there's an event the week before, I have class the day of and the day after, my pregnant friend wants to do something, and my school friends want to do something. The weekend comes and I feel good and then the week hits and I'm just totally flooded again.


----------



## Saisha

lille said:


> I'm trying to take time for me. It just sort of feels like a balancing act and if I stop for a breath everything is going to fall. It's to the point where my own birthday is stressing me out because my mom wanted to do something, my dad wants to do something, there's an event the week before, I have class the day of and the day after, my pregnant friend wants to do something, and my school friends want to do something. The weekend comes and I feel good and then the week hits and I'm just totally flooded again.



You should ask everyone for spend some time with them coupons - then schedule out play dates with people at different times when it is more convenient for you instead of trying to please everyone at the same time. Your health and school must come first. Yes, relaxation is very important as well, but put your needs first, not their wants, even though they mean well.


----------



## lille

Saisha said:


> You should ask everyone for spend some time with them coupons - then schedule out play dates with people at different times when it is more convenient for you instead of trying to please everyone at the same time. Your health and school must come first. Yes, relaxation is very important as well, but put your needs first, not their wants, even though they mean well.



Unfortunately I haven't seen my friends in weeks so I want to see them. It's just hard when everyone is in school and/or working and all but one live in another state. It's just a lot going on. After this month things will calm down, I just need to get through it.


----------



## MsBrightside

lille said:


> My period totally fucks with my mental health and adding the stress of school, trying to plan four different birthday events, and dealing with negotiating holidays with divorced parents, and my internship I'm a mess this week. I've been able to hod it together and keep focused at my internship but once I leave it all floods back and my car rides int he morning are rough. I had a day last week where I felt awesome about my body and that's totally gone. I've been having passive thoughts of self-harm, no intention but I still don't like having the thoughts. I'm exhausted and it's only October.



lille, what you said about "negotiating" time with divorced parents really resonates with me. Mine prefer to pretend that the other doesn't exist, which doesn't seem to be a particularly mature attitude, especially since they're both 70 now and have been divorced for 28 years.  We really shouldn't have to feel like treaty ambassadors in order to visit with our families.

Also, I think most people are too hung up on calendar dates. It's wonderful that your parents care about you and want to celebrate with you, but why should it necessarily have to be on your actual birthdate? The same goes for your friends, really. I would hope that everyone understands that you have a lot on your plate right now and might be willing to celebrate at a time that would be good for you so that you're better able to enjoy it. 

It sounds like you're actually doing a great job of staying on top of everything, but you might consider taking intentional breaks now and then if things start to seem overwhelming. When I was in graduate school, I would sometimes disappear for 30-45 minutes in the middle of the day and eat my lunch in a nearby park. Even if it meant staying a little later to get all of my work done, it was worth it to get away for a bit and try to clear my head. Anyway, try to hang in there!


----------



## lille

Luckily my mom said to prioritize seeing my friends. I've got one event on the 18th and I'll see my dad the 19th. May tell my pregnant friend I need to hold off till November and then my local friends and I may do something my actual birthday weekend. It's just between 20+ hours at my internship plus and hour commute each way, 15 hours of class, plus homework, and the gym every other day I feel like I have more things to do than time to do it if I want to get any sleep. I've been averaging 6-7hours a night as it is. I told one of my friend's what's going on and that helped, she's planning my local friend bday party for me.


----------



## Saisha

Lille, so glad to hear things are working out a bit smoother for you!

Saw my general doctor today - tons of labs (hormones, iron etc.), PT for my knee & back, a med to help my back relax enough so I can get some sleep and some Prozac (lowest dosage) to help me gain more equilibrium. Says I am not "clinically depressed" at all - just under major duress (mom's & sister's cancer stuff) - plus my cardio meds could possibly be causing part of the depression - she's also recommended counseling if I want to have it for a bit. I see my cardiologist tomorrow to meet new dr. (former retired earlier this year) for new patient meet and also see about my palpitations returning (probably get to wear another heart monitor) - my b.p. was 100/62 so I think my meds may need adjusting. It feels good to get help. If anyone else out there is having problems and not getting checked, see your doctor. It's so worth it. And as a bonus, I've lost a few pounds too  I am worth fighting for - just needed to stop trying to do everything myself.


----------



## lille

I'm glad you're getting the help you need. Asking for help can be scary, but it's so worth it.


----------



## Jack Secret

Is it fair to say that everyone with depression also suffers from anxiety? If I think about it the other way around I don't necessarily see someone that suffers from anxiety Also having depression.

I've been thinking harder about my own depression issues in my treatment and I'm starting to think that I'm not so much depressed as I am anxious. And it is bad, man Really bad. I'll go for periods where I'm not that anxious to a series of days where I am waking up, and immediately going into a panic attack.

If I hear the phone ring my heart rate skyrockets, and I feel very hot. I also get that a little bit whenever someone knocks on my door.

All of this started 10 years ago Two years before I was paralyzed. I was going through a lot of very hard times and became withdrawn (and very depressed). I remember back then I turned the ringers off on all of my phones. I even did that to my office phone. I could tell when someone was calling because the lights would blink


----------



## lille

Depression does not always include anxiety but they have very high rates of comorbidity. I would definitely talk to a professional about the anxiety, there are highly effective treatments out there than can greatly improve quality of life.


----------



## Saisha

I definitely do not have anxiety attacks. Palpitations from heart stuff when I lay down, yes (which the doctors still can't figure out why, especially when my heart looks so good quote un-quote - but not anxiety attacks. Depression on the other hand, yes. At least right now.


----------



## x0emnem0x

I just feel like a lost cause today. I feel like I keep trying and it goes nowhere. Some days I feel okay and others I just feel like I am drowning... I was going to go to the doctor but at the time before I had this job I had no money for a co pay, called and cancelled with the intention of rescheduling. Still haven't. I feel lost. I'm battling with myself to try and get closer with God and I feel like I'm just failing at that. I've turned to alcohol way too many times for my depression instead, especially for being 21. I'm young. I'm so intelligent and I just do the stupidest shit because I'm so depressed and desperate to just be numb of it. I really need to push myself into getting help but my priorities are so fucked and I just have trouble putting things where they need to be... Just not feeling it... Can I check out of life today?


----------



## lille

x0emnem0x said:


> Your post


Take it one step at a time. It sounds like you know you need help and you want to get that help. Recognizing that is a big first step. I know it's hard when you're depressed, but try to be gentle with yourself.


----------



## x0emnem0x

lille said:


> Take it one step at a time. It sounds like you know you need help and you want to get that help. Recognizing that is a big first step. I know it's hard when you're depressed, but try to be gentle with yourself.



I'm working on it... today's not any better. Think I'm going to retreat back to bed and sleep some more... I just don't know what to do and all I want to do is cry. But I'll get over it soon. I hope.


----------



## lille

x0emnem0x said:


> I'm working on it... today's not any better. Think I'm going to retreat back to bed and sleep some more... I just don't know what to do and all I want to do is cry. But I'll get over it soon. I hope.



Make sure to make time to do things that make you feel good. Take a warm bubble bath, drink some tea, things like that. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a struggle. And it is ok to cry. I hope you're able to get the help you need and things start getting brighter for you.


----------



## Surlysomething

Tired of struggling. That's all.


----------



## furious styles

Surlysomething said:


> Tired of struggling. That's all.



yeah, this. stay strong ss <3


----------



## HottiMegan

I think my boys are the only thing keeping me from completely giving up. I have to get up every day and have to keep the household going because i don't want them to suffer. I'm in such a dark place that all i want to do is lay in bed and cry the day through.


----------



## lille

I disassociated during class today. I have no memory of what happened during that time, I did not hear my etcher speaking, nothing. I don't think it was for very long, I remember tuning things out at step 3 of the activity because it was overwhelming and the next thing I remember was slowly coming back at the end as she was describing step 6. It's a little scary.


----------



## GhostEater

I got off Prozac last month. It was doing dick all so my doctor upped the dosage. So then in addition to the dick all it made me think about suicide. Now I'm off it. I was told that medication was a crapshoot and I should give our local clinic $140 per consultation to give it another go again and again until we find something that sticks. Finding out DIM existed didn't fix my depression or anxiety by any means but it's done more for my self esteem and confidence than any medication I've ever been on ever. 

I'm not a success story yet, but I'm on the right road.


----------



## loopytheone

lille said:


> I disassociated during class today. I have no memory of what happened during that time, I did not hear my etcher speaking, nothing. I don't think it was for very long, I remember tuning things out at step 3 of the activity because it was overwhelming and the next thing I remember was slowly coming back at the end as she was describing step 6. It's a little scary.



That sounds pretty scary, has it happened to you before? It doesn't sound as though you were out of it for too long though, which is a good thing. Is there any chance that a medication you are on might make these episodes worse?Just a thought as I have a friend who's medication gives her strange side effects similar to this.



GhostEater said:


> I got off Prozac last month. It was doing dick all so my doctor upped the dosage. So then in addition to the dick all it made me think about suicide. Now I'm off it. I was told that medication was a crapshoot and I should give our local clinic $140 per consultation to give it another go again and again until we find something that sticks. Finding out DIM existed didn't fix my depression or anxiety by any means but it's done more for my self esteem and confidence than any medication I've ever been on ever.
> 
> I'm not a success story yet, but I'm on the right road.



I am glad you are starting to feel better. As a general rule, there are two main types of anti-depressant, SSRIs and SNRIs. Wikipedia (that most reliable of sources) tells me that what you guys call Prozac is an SSRI so you might want to ask to try a SNRI next time. There is an SNRI called Sibutramine that is also an appetite suppressant and used to 'combat obesity' (whatever that means) so they may try and give you that with you also being a bigger guy. 

Different classes of medication can make a huge difference so don't be disheartened. I've got a friend who SSRIs do nothing for and SNRIs work great. For me, SSRIs allow me to control my depression but the only SNRI I ever took left me vomitting and semi-comatosed for a week so it really does just depend on the person.


----------



## lille

Oh, I know why I disassociated. We were doing an activity called focusing. We did some progressive muscle relaxation and then the idea is you check in with yourself and you body and see what things are between you and being fine and you set them aside, mentally picture putting them in. Box and putting them away from you. I couldn't sustain that mental image and it kept feeling like no matter where I put the box it kept appearing right up next to me again, almost like a horror movie. It was totally overwhelming and since I couldn't get that to go away I went away.


----------



## Jack Secret

HottiMegan said:


> I think my boys are the only thing keeping me from completely giving up. I have to get up every day and have to keep the household going because i don't want them to suffer. I'm in such a dark place that all i want to do is lay in bed and cry the day through.



I don't really know you, but you are always on my mind about your depression issues. I sure wish I could shine some sunshine on your life. You certainly deserve it :really sad:


----------



## Fuzzy

lille said:


> I *disassociated* during class today. I have no memory of what happened during that time, I did not hear my etcher speaking, nothing. I don't think it was for very long, I remember tuning things out at step 3 of the activity because it was overwhelming and the next thing I remember was slowly coming back at the end as she was describing step 6. It's a little scary.



Is disassociation like when you drive the same route everyday going and coming back from work, and you do it so much that baring any mishap you have no recollection of a particular journey. You know you left, and you know you got there, but the stuff in between.. meh.


----------



## lille

Fuzzy said:


> Is disassociation like when you drive the same route everyday going and coming back from work, and you do it so much that baring any mishap you have no recollection of a particular journey. You know you left, and you know you got there, but the stuff in between.. meh.




That is an example of when disassociation is totally normal and healthy. Your body just sort of goes on autopilot because you don't really need to be all there. It also can happen under extreme stress as a defense mechanism.


----------



## x0emnem0x

Today just sucks. I'm in a really bad mood, just feel so miserable and hate my job, I hate my life and I hate myself for that because my life isn't that bad. I want to love myself and I want to love my life.


----------



## penguin

I've been playing the "sad or depressed?" game, trying to figure out which is stronger. I think it's mostly sadness with a base of depression. I think it's something I need to push through rather than go back on antidepressants. I'll give it a bit longer before deciding that.

I'm trying not to let anxiety build up. There's not enough money. I know what bills are coming in soon and I'd rather hide. My daughter needs new clothes because she's growing like a weed. I need new clothes because they're all old. I can't even begin to think about how I'm going to manage Christmas (though she's told me she's only wanting books and clothes, so that makes it cheaper). I'm heartbroken and sad and don't feel like doing housework or anything else. She's spending the night with my parents (because I was meant to be going to a party tonight but I just can't deal with that right now) so I'm having a night to myself.


----------



## Yakatori

penguin said:


> "_...spending the night with my parents (because I was meant to be going to a party tonight but I just can't deal with that right now) so I'm having a night to myself._"


It's necessary, important, etc...just to spend a certain amount of time away from kids in general; both alone, to relax & recharge, but also going out with & being around other adults. Except that, you can just be alone and veg-out pretty much anytime they're in school. Whereas going out to an actual grown-up party is more of a limited type of opportunity. So, hopefully you end up changing your mind, at some point... 



x0emnem0x said:


> "_...my life isn't that bad. I want to love myself and I want to love my life._"


The very first step is just deciding-to. Here's something just for you:

View attachment Buddah.jpg


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## Jack Secret

penguin said:


> I've been playing the "sad or depressed?" game, trying to figure out which is stronger. I think it's mostly sadness with a base of depression. I think it's something I need to push through rather than go back on antidepressants. I'll give it a bit longer before deciding that.
> 
> I'm trying not to let anxiety build up. There's not enough money. I know what bills are coming in soon and I'd rather hide. My daughter needs new clothes because she's growing like a weed. I need new clothes because they're all old. I can't even begin to think about how I'm going to manage Christmas (though she's told me she's only wanting books and clothes, so that makes it cheaper). I'm heartbroken and sad and don't feel like doing housework or anything else. She's spending the night with my parents (because I was meant to be going to a party tonight but I just can't deal with that right now) so I'm having a night to myself.



I know what it's like to feel like hiding. Folks that I have been talking with call it isolating. I've been warned (after my hospital stay for spinal cord injury) about this. Sometimes I have to fight myself and just GET OUT or I will get caught in that trap Hope things get better soon.


----------



## HottiMegan

i am the reason they cry.
I am the reason he yells so much.
I am the reason for the discord in the family
I am no good for them
I don't deserve them
I want them happy.
I don't provide that happiness, only sadness and discord.
I am worthless
I am a terrible mother
I am a worse wife
I hate myself
I hate how i am
They'd be better off without me.


----------



## moore2me

HottiMegan said:


> i am the reason they cry.
> I am the reason he yells so much.
> I am the reason for the discord in the family
> I am no good for them
> I don't deserve them
> I want them happy.
> I don't provide that happiness, only sadness and discord.
> I am worthless
> I am a terrible mother
> I am a worse wife
> I hate myself
> I hate how i am
> They'd be better off without me.


 
Dear Megan,

I have been reading your posts and following your kids birth/growing up for years now. I know that you have been a good and wonderful mother - your family is lucky to have you. You were given by fate the extremely difficult jobs of raising two boys who have very demanding conditions. I could never have done the tremendous things you have done with the kids & husband.

We all have days/weeks/months/years of doubting our life's work and decisions we have made. Please do not worry about your clan's direction and raising. No one could do it better than you have done. It is not unusual for women to get the wrong impression from our menfolk. Most men just do not consider how women feel - they are wired different. (Not bad or wrong - just different.)

Start with small things bothering you. Tell the men what is making you feel bad and tell them what you need from them. (If you were hungry, cold, or thirsty would you tell them you need water or food?) Start telling them of your emotional & personal needs and how they can fix it. And not talking about if they want to do it or not. This is something they have to do. You are not only doing this to save your sanity but to help the boys have a life with the women they choose to pair up with.

Also, a word of warning - the teenage years are quickly approaching for your boys. Teenagers are often unruly, moody, irritable beasts. Most all kids go thru this period of uproar and wearing on their parent's nerves. This is normal and serves in nature to wean the little varmints from their parents. You will know this is starting when their little heads start spinning around and acting like Linda Blair when she was possessed by Satan.

Also, you need to have ways of rewarding and comforting yourself that does not depend on the fickle whims of men. I have learned that listening to music on headphones when I need peace or am feeling bad. There is a whole world of wonderful music and expression that have opened up on the internet. Also, you might try some of the on-line self help groups for parents of that are facing some of the difficulties you are in raising the boys.

With your kind permission, I have edited somewhat your poem with my ideas.

_*i am the reason they cry*. Babies cry - young men need to man-up. Crying will cause you problems in junior high and high school._

_*I am the reason he yells so much.* The only time I tolerate hubby yelling at me is if the house is on fire or a tornado is coming. We adults talk to each other with our inside voices and do it in mannerly and respectful tone._

_*I am the reason for the discord in the family.* This would be true when someone has not followed mom's rules of Law. It is your house, it is your kitchen and the inmates must respect and obey the warden._

_*I am no good for them* - Yes you are good for them. Who else would take ove their care if you were gone? Their lives as orphans or step kids would be greatly diminished with a stepmother or another dad._

_*I don't deserve them* - They should show they deserve you._

_*I want them happy*. - Kids growing up today don't need to be happy as much as they need to learn how to live in society, function as an adult, and learn skills to make it in the world._

_*I don't provide that happiness, only sadness*. Again, kids need more important skills that happiness. They need the skills to survive on their own when mom and dad are gone and the little birds leave the nest._

_*I am worthless* - Your worth should be generated from yourself and not depend on others. You are the best person for the job you have are doing._

_*I am a terrible mother* - You are the best mother for those two boys._

_*I am a worse wife* - Not so, some women would run off and leave the whole bunch to fend for themselves - like little wolf pups._

_*I hate myself / I hate how i am* - Do not hate yourself. Celebrate the good things you do and reward yourself for your efforts. Brag about this to the menfolk._

_*They'd be better off without me*.- Again a stepmother would never be able to handle what you do. _


----------



## penguin

Yakatori said:


> It's necessary, important, etc...just to spend a certain amount of time away from kids in general; both alone, to relax & recharge, but also going out with & being around other adults. Except that, you can just be alone and veg-out pretty much anytime they're in school. Whereas going out to an actual grown-up party is more of a limited type of opportunity. So, hopefully you end up changing your mind, at some point...



I stayed home. I needed it, and felt better for it. The cost of going out (getting there, and especially back after drinking) were prohibitive, too. Money is tight and I didn't feel right spending what I had on a $30 cab ride home.



Jack Secret said:


> I know what it's like to feel like hiding. Folks that I have been talking with call it isolating. I've been warned (after my hospital stay for spinal cord injury) about this. Sometimes I have to fight myself and just GET OUT or I will get caught in that trap Hope things get better soon.



I'm introverted by nature, and as I've gotten older I have less interest in parties and events. I want to see my friends, but if the conditions aren't right, it doesn't feel like it's worth going. 



HottiMegan said:


> i am the reason they cry.
> I am the reason he yells so much.
> I am the reason for the discord in the family
> I am no good for them
> I don't deserve them
> I want them happy.
> I don't provide that happiness, only sadness and discord.
> I am worthless
> I am a terrible mother
> I am a worse wife
> I hate myself
> I hate how i am
> They'd be better off without me.



No one is perfect and no one gets it right all the time. Kids will cry, sometimes because you yelled at them after asking them to do something five times and you get frustrated, but they only remember the yelling part. Sometimes they cry because they did the wrong thing and got busted and are upset about it. Kids will cry. They won't always get along - with you or their siblings. They will push your buttons and every boundary you set down. Kids are ego-centric and teaching them that the world doesn't revolve around them is an important, if hard, lesson. 

If he yells, that's on him. He's the only one who can control his temper.

This article might help in regards to being a good wife and mother. Life is hard. We make it harder for ourselves by trying to shoulder it all, including the responsibility and blame. You could try rephrasing your post to ask what they can do to stop crying and yelling so much, to see what it is that they do that might be upsetting the balance. I know how much you love those kids, and you're doing the best you can. None of us will be a Carol Brady (who, remember, had a live in maid and no toilets to clean), so setting unrealistic goals just brings us down.

I'm not the best mother out there, not by a long shot. But I'm not a bad mother. I'm doing the best I can, and I do try to improve what I can, when I can. Depression makes that so fucking hard to do, even with a partner. When you're battling the darkness and trying to get through the day, it's easy to feel like a failure. But you're not.


----------



## Ohio Lady

This time of year really gets to me. We first celebrate veterans day which depresses me since my Dad served in the military and it just so happened this year his birthday was the next day (which was yesterday) and now we are headed toward Thanksgiving and don't get me wrong I am thankful for the son, daughter (in law) and grandson I have and for one being on the way in March however my Daddy and Mother are not here they have both passed and the death that has affected me the most was my Daddy's because I always have been and always will be a "Daddy's girl". Since his passing I struggle to keep my head above water during the holidays I am thinking maybe this year if I get to see my grandson enough just maybe this year will be different and I won't go through all the crying and blah blah blah of the holiday seasons. It seems even though my Daddy is gone the thing that helps me the most is going to his grave and being alone and talking to him as if he is standing before and telling him what is wrong. I have always said since my parents are both gone, life is never the same you become "an orphan" in this big world and it seems you are always placed in the center where you see people laughing, being with their families during the holidays and you are totally left out with no one in your life..I am not kicking that scene at all in fact I encourage it for those who have family left and especially their mom and dad, Love them while you have them because one day they will not be here and life won't ever be the same. If it were not for Christ in my life I really don't know if I could have handled a lot of things I have but He gives me the strength to do what I must to get through each day.


----------



## bbwbud

Ohio Lady said:


> This time of year really gets to me. We first celebrate veterans day which depresses me since my Dad served in the military and it just so happened this year his birthday was the next day (which was yesterday) and now we are headed toward Thanksgiving and don't get me wrong I am thankful for the son, daughter (in law) and grandson I have and for one being on the way in March however my Daddy and Mother are not here they have both passed and the death that has affected me the most was my Daddy's because I always have been and always will be a "Daddy's girl". Since his passing I struggle to keep my head above water during the holidays I am thinking maybe this year if I get to see my grandson enough just maybe this year will be different and I won't go through all the crying and blah blah blah of the holiday seasons. It seems even though my Daddy is gone the thing that helps me the most is going to his grave and being alone and talking to him as if he is standing before and telling him what is wrong. I have always said since my parents are both gone, life is never the same you become "an orphan" in this big world and it seems you are always placed in the center where you see people laughing, being with their families during the holidays and you are totally left out with no one in your life..I am not kicking that scene at all in fact I encourage it for those who have family left and especially their mom and dad, Love them while you have them because one day they will not be here and life won't ever be the same. If it were not for Christ in my life I really don't know if I could have handled a lot of things I have but He gives me the strength to do what I must to get through each day.



Very well said, especially the last sentence.


----------



## Surlysomething

It's a hard time of the year. Reach out to your people if you're feeling down.

Sometimes volunteering and keeping busy can lift your spirits as well.



Don't isolate yourself.


----------



## Saisha

I've been delving deeper and deeper into truly trying to let go of past traumas and how they affected mine and my family's lives - it has been a very difficult journey and I know I have not been easy to be around all the time but I think the efforts are paying off - I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from me - there is still a lot there but I know I am making some sort of progress and definitely am changing because of all of this. 49 yrs worth of stuff do not clear up overnight but I am making headway, even if I do get a bit off the beaten path at times in doing so.


----------



## Surlysomething

More health problems. 
I can barely handle what I already have on my plate. Where am I supposed to find more strength?

I'm so overwhelmed that I really don't know what to think even.


----------



## vardon_grip

Surlysomething said:


> More health problems.
> I can barely handle what I already have on my plate. Where am I supposed to find more strength?
> 
> I'm so overwhelmed that I really don't know what to think even.



I am sorry that this time is a struggle. I hope you can get a break from everything that is difficult in your life and find the strength to carry on.


----------



## Surlysomething

Aww..thanks so much.

I mostly work on auto-pilot to get through these things. Carry on like it's business as usual.
My normal is constantly new and when you're stubborn and a bit set in your ways that can be a challenge.

Everyday we get a fresh start though, i'm thankful for that.




vardon_grip said:


> I am sorry that this time is a struggle. I hope you can get a break from everything that is difficult in your life and find the strength to carry on.


----------



## lille

Having more thoughts of self-harm lately. A lot today. Some thoughts of suicide. I know won't act on them. I just want to curl up and not have to deal with the world.


----------



## Saisha

lille said:


> Having more thoughts of self-harm lately. A lot today. Some thoughts of suicide. I know won't act on them. I just want to curl up and not have to deal with the world.



Something a friend sent me the other day and it really hits home - hope you feel a bit better sweetie - gentlest hugs and thinking of you 


Of all the souls
Who cross my path
I respect most
Those who are brave
In their story telling
Those that face
Their own demons
Because its fucking scary
To see all
You never wanted to see again
And to feel deeply
All that you think
You should be ashamed of
All the so called wrongs
You think youve committed
Anyone can tell a story
But few tell
A completely honest one
A blatantly vulnerable one
A transparent and ugly one
With beautiful stark naked truths
That most wouldnt face
And maybe don't want to hear about.
Deep bow to the brave souls
Who strip away all lies
About themselves
And their existence
I hope that one day
I would be so brave
And shamelessly
Peel back all the layers
As effortlessly
As if they were bandaids
Revealing wounds beneath
And ugly scars
Hidden demons
Some might be repulsed by
But only because
Those who hide from their own
Unloved wounds and shadows
Project onto others
What is denied in one's self
But still, refuse to see.
This fear is familiar
And understandable because
It takes enormous courage
To be real
In a world with 'unreal~ness'
With those who still
Want to see false perfection
Playing hide and seek
With themselves
Not wanting to be found
They never reveal
Their secret hiding places
Or where they lay at night
What clouds their heart
And shields their being.
If only
We all realized
There really are no walls
It is merely illusion
To make more comfortable
The games we play
The so called ugliness
We tuck away
Out of shame or guilt
But why are our experiences
Shameful to begin with?
Who told us that anyways?
How do we know they are right
When they were hiding to begin with
How do we trust one who lies
And deny ourselves permission
To live freely
Wildly unabashed through life
Based on what they have said
Like the blind leading the blind
Am I courageous enough
To break down those walls
And greet with love
All those shadows
Which have been in hiding?
Yes, I surely am.
They really are just friends
We havent seen in a while
So they may seem scary
But it is only because
We have forgotten about them
And they have been alone
Within prison walls
Starving and rotting away
Without sunlight or air
Weve forgotten
They are a part of us
Who want acceptance
Nurturing and love
Like every other part
Of us who cries
When we are alone
From all the grief
Turbulence and rage
Heartbreak and sadness
Joy and bliss
That we feel
That we yearn to share
With non judgmental souls
We long to be heard
Acknowledged in our pain
And accepted
So we no longer feel
So alone
On our journey
But we are never alone
We choose to be alone
By building walls
In the first place
We dont need the walls
We only need to choose
Those who honor us
Without our walls
To be near us
And love us
In all our flaws
And our human madness
We are all a little mad
But it is perfection
Maybe humans are meant to be
A little insane
That is the beauty
Of being a human
We can be ugly
Cry and laugh
Break anothers heart
Have ours torn to shreds
Yell ugly profanities
Loose our temper
Fuck like wild animals
Pretend to be masters of disguise
Or try to be perfect
And yet still be human
Because thats what it means
To be a human being
To have all the flaws
That this world can hold
And still be who we are
At the core
Of the souls we are.
Love.
Yes, we are love
All of us
Hiding in human skins
Forgetting we are
Divine.
See our insanity?
Have a good belly laugh
At our idiosyncrasies
Beautiful hilarious silliness
Crazy divine beings
Of light and love
Pretending to be
Everything we are not.
We think we are
All but divine
When will we snap out of this
And begin accepting
That we really are love.
PURE LOVE.

Jess Rock  with Gerry Toevank.


----------



## tankyguy

Basket of kittens for the wonderful people who need them.


----------



## loopytheone

My mum is having problems with depression and I feel powerless to help her. I can offer advice and tell her I care and such, but I worry that due to certain issues of my own I'll never be able to be comforting when she needs that.


----------



## x0emnem0x

loopytheone said:


> My mum is having problems with depression and I feel powerless to help her. I can offer advice and tell her I care and such, but I worry that due to certain issues of my own I'll never be able to be comforting when she needs that.



I am in the same boat. My mom suffers from depression probably much worse than my own but she is always so cynical and negative about everything. Not only do I already have a difficult time expression my emotions, but showing people, especially family, that I care is really hard for me to do... It just seems unnatural to me. So I can totally understand how you can feel you'll never be able to be "comforting"... but you can always try. We've always been a close family - but never like, SUPER close or told each other everything. If you guys argue, try to be the first to apologize, as that's what I did. My sister always tells me to apologize first and if there is an argument don't yell back because it'll make things worse. We had an argument last night in which afterwards she stated sarcastically that I just made her night 10 times better. I did what I was doing, and came back 10 minutes later, saying: I am sorry I yelled at you, sorry you feel that way and I feel that way too - but that being pissed off at me for no reason (especially since I had JUST gotten home from work) wasn't going to help either of us. Since you're situation is a bit different, maybe just say along the same lines. I'm sorry you feel this way, I wish I could help, but I am also feeling the same sort of way and I hope you feel better. I think acknowledging it and saying something at least would be better than not. I'm sure she knows you are there for her and that you love her but sometimes we all need a reminder.


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## Saisha

Current book I am reading and working my way through - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005Q5SJ7U/?tag=skimlinks_replacement-20 - it's not easy but it is slowly helping, along with other methods as well. Holding all of you in my prayers....


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## loopytheone

For whatever reason, my depression has gotten bad again lately. I've spent the last two evenings cryings, feeling like their is a hole inside my chest full of pain and suffering. Doesn't help that I feel like such a failure and terrible person. I might have to get rid of my new guinea pig because she is making me feel worse, jumping me up all the time and making me feel hated and like even more of a failure. I know I am being irrational so I'm going to the doctors on monday to try and sort something out with my medication. 

Because feeling like I want to grab my baby guinea pig and throw her out the window is far from normal for me.


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## lille

loopytheone said:


> For whatever reason, my depression has gotten bad again lately. I've spent the last two evenings cryings, feeling like their is a hole inside my chest full of pain and suffering. Doesn't help that I feel like such a failure and terrible person. I might have to get rid of my new guinea pig because she is making me feel worse, jumping me up all the time and making me feel hated and like even more of a failure. I know I am being irrational so I'm going to the doctors on monday to try and sort something out with my medication.
> 
> Because feeling like I want to grab my baby guinea pig and throw her out the window is far from normal for me.



I hope your doctor is able to help. It sucks when you have thoughts you know are irrational because knowing they're irrational doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't know what the weather by you is like but this time of year tends to be difficult for people because the days are getting shorter and lack of sunlight can increase depression.


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## loopytheone

lille said:


> I hope your doctor is able to help. It sucks when you have thoughts you know are irrational because knowing they're irrational doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't know what the weather by you is like but this time of year tends to be difficult for people because the days are getting shorter and lack of sunlight can increase depression.



Thank you, and I hope so too. A lot of people around here have problems with depression in winter actually, now that you mention it. Our daylight in the winter is about 9am-4pm so probably only about seven hours or so. I don't spend much time in the sunlight actually so maybe I ought to try and go outside when it is daytime sometimes.


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## lille

loopytheone said:


> Thank you, and I hope so too. A lot of people around here have problems with depression in winter actually, now that you mention it. Our daylight in the winter is about 9am-4pm so probably only about seven hours or so. I don't spend much time in the sunlight actually so maybe I ought to try and go outside when it is daytime sometimes.



That might help. I had an ex who became severely depressed and it turned out he had a severe vitamin D deficiency. Getting more sunlight may help, I know I struggle more when I don't get enough sun.


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## moore2me

x0emnem0x said:


> I am in the same boat. *My mom suffers from depression probably much worse than my own but she is always so cynical and negative about everything*. Not only do I already have a difficult time expression my emotions, but showing people, especially family, that I care is really hard for me to do... It just seems unnatural to me. So I can totally understand how you can feel you'll never be able to be "comforting"... but you can always try. We've always been a close family - but never like, SUPER close or told each other everything. If you guys argue, *try to be the first to apologize, as that's what I did. My sister always tells me to apologize first and if there is an argument don't yell back because it'll make things worse. We had an argument last night in which afterwards she stated sarcastically that I just made her night 10 times better. I did what I was doing, and came back 10 minutes later, saying: I am sorry I yelled at you, sorry you feel that way and I feel that way too* - but that being pissed off at me for no reason (especially since I had JUST gotten home from work) wasn't going to help either of us. Since you're situation is a bit different, maybe just say along the same lines. I'm sorry you feel this way, I wish I could help, *but I am also feeling the same sort of way and I hope you feel better. I think acknowledging it and saying something at least would be better than not. I'm sure she knows you are there for her and that you love her but sometimes we all need a reminder*.


 
Hi x0 . . 0x,

When I read your response to the depression theme, it immediately struck me that your case is probably actually worse than your mother's. She (and sis) are using you as a "kicking boy" to mentally beat up on when they need an outlet. It doesn't sound like you have much of an outlet yourself. Depressed or not, you really need to start standing up for yourself more. You do not owe anybody the rights to dump on you when they are feeling off their feed. It took me over sixty years to realize that my mom was doing the same thing to me - she would "confide" all kinds of weird stuff to me and not give my brothers the same "pleasure" I was getting. I finally had to call it quits when she got on a kick about she wanted to die, right now today. The last time I let her go on a death kick, she said she wanted to die 9 times in two hours - while I was in her room.

Finally, I told her I don't want to hear it any more. No more death wishes while I am in her presence. I just don't want to hear them - at all. I was going to leave the minute she started it. I told her she will have to find someone else to talk about that. However, I did take the precaution of telling her nurse and doctor about her death wishes and told them she need antidepressants and mood enhancing drugs. She it getting meds, but I think she needs more, they just won't medicate her that heavily in the nursing home. They have taken all sharp stuff from her and check her room for hazards tho.

Also, in your case, pay attention to Tina Turner's advice . . . "Love has nothing to do with it (what you are going thru with your family)." I'm pretty sure that when your mom had you as a new baby, she didn't say "here's someone I can rage at and tell all my bad feeling to. This child will be my emotional toxic outlet."

As you state in your last sentence, you love your mum and are there for her - but you don't need to bleed on the floor or cut yourself to prove that. The best way you can honor your mom (and the rest of your ancestors) is to be a strong, balanced woman, and do the best you can with what you've got. Don't throw your gifts away, use them wisely. If meds are needed, by all means take them. My motto has always been " Better living thru chemistry". Be smart enough to watch out for the bad meds and don't spend the rent on them either.

And I know I shouldn't say the following, but I can't help myself. About your guinea pig. I get a yearly Christmas catalog from Heifer Project that gives animals to people around the world to help stop starvation and give them some income. Heifer Project actually offers to place guinea pigs in cultures where they are commonly used as food (an excellent source of protein). So if piglet gets too fractious, the stew pot or BBQ may be a good choice. (If this blows the lid off anyone's pressure cooker, I can give you the address of Hefier Project. It's next to the Clinton Presidential library.)


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## moore2me

lille said:


> That might help. I had an ex who became severely depressed and it turned out he had a severe vitamin D deficiency. Getting more sunlight may help, I know I struggle more when I don't get enough sun.


 

Hi lille, I couldn't help but notice your comment about Vitamin D deficiency. My doctor gives me some blood tests a couple of times a year, The last time I went in, his nurse called and said my Vit D levels were very low. He prescribed a mega dose of Vit D once a week, This amounts to 50,000 units in one pill. The normal amount we eat is around 2 mg. I believe 50,000 units is several hundred times stronger than a multi vitamin. (However, I am mathematically challenged.) Anyways, while taking the mega dose, most days I do feel better physically and mentally.

Also correction to previous post - After re-reading response, I realize that the guinea pig instead belonged to Loopy. Sorry.


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## ODFFA

I feel like I'm wearing out the people I care about most with my downness (that very much includes you Dimsfolk). That thought, on top of the depression itself, makes it that much harder to swallow. 

I've made meager attempts to stay positive, or at least.... "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." But right now I'm just bone-weary. Life has never felt more meaningless. I don't know. That's just all I got right now.


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## Amaranthine

ODFFA said:


> I feel like I'm wearing out the people I care about most with my downness (that very much includes you Dimsfolk). That thought, on top of the depression itself, makes it that much harder to swallow.
> 
> I've made meager attempts to stay positive, or at least.... "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." But right now I'm just bone-weary. Life has never felt more meaningless. I don't know. That's just all I got right now.



I guarantee that anyone who truly cares about you won't feel worn out or tired of your downness. It's actually common to feel something akin to guilt (or just general extra badness) for the way you imagine its affecting people close to you; it's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. But try to give yourself a gentle reminder that that sort of thinking isn't really accurate. You're still the amazing person they know and love. More than anything, they're probably concerned with your well-being and would like to be supportive. 

You shouldn't have to hide your feelings or pretend you feel differently for anyone, especially when it makes you feel worse. Life is tiring, and when your brain is being an asshole when it comes to neurotransmitter production and it feels like you can hardly enjoy a goddamn thing, it makes it infinitely harder to make meaning out of existence. Even if someone can't directly relate with what you're experiencing, you're trying as hard as you can and anyone who can't be understanding about that can get fucked. So don't be afraid about being open about how you're really feeling. Be kind and patient towards _yourself._ And take note of those little moments that do make life a little more tolerable, blow them out of proportion, and smile at the absurdity of it


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## ODFFA

Amaranthine said:


> I guarantee that anyone who truly cares about you won't feel worn out or tired of your downness. It's actually common to feel something akin to guilt (or just general extra badness) for the way you imagine its affecting people close to you; it's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. But try to give yourself a gentle reminder that that sort of thinking isn't really accurate. You're still the amazing person they know and love. More than anything, they're probably concerned with your well-being and would like to be supportive.
> 
> You shouldn't have to hide your feelings or pretend you feel differently for anyone, especially when it makes you feel worse. Life is tiring, and when your brain is being an asshole when it comes to neurotransmitter production and it feels like you can hardly enjoy a goddamn thing, it makes it infinitely harder to make meaning out of existence. Even if someone can't directly relate with what you're experiencing, you're trying as hard as you can and anyone who can't be understanding about that can get fucked. So don't be afraid about being open about how you're really feeling. Be kind and patient towards _yourself._ And take note of those little moments that do make life a little more tolerable, blow them out of proportion, and smile at the absurdity of it



Thank you so much for this. Seriously. I suppose I'd heard exasperated loved ones accuse depressed people of self-absorption often enough, that it actually didn't occur to me how common that particular source of guilt was. But yes, I certainly see that it's the nature of the beast, as you said. 

So just.... thank you, again. This meant an especially great amount coming from you


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## Surlysomething

I can't say it better than Miss A. said. But I am sending the best thoughts your way as I know all too well how hard the black dog is on a person. 

Be kind to yourself. xx



ODFFA said:


> Thank you so much for this. Seriously. I suppose I'd heard exasperated loved ones accuse depressed people of self-absorption often enough, that it actually didn't occur to me how common that particular source of guilt was. But yes, I certainly see that it's the nature of the beast, as you said.
> 
> So just.... thank you, again. This meant an especially great amount coming from you


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## Amaranthine

I'm not sure if this is the correct thread to post this, but I figured I might as well anyway. 

I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home. When I'm seemingly anywhere else - like on a trip, or when I was living at school - I feel pretty normal. Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away. I just don't want to get out of bed, ever. I don't feel like doing anything. It all feels hollow and pointless. I have no motivation. There's no sort of future that feels appealing; it feels like I'm constantly killing time (until like, 3am until 7am when I can find things enjoyable again.) I have a theoretical desire to improve myself, but can think of nothing that would feel satisfying or worthwhile in that respect. I know there's things I _SHOULD_ do, but it feels like an uphill battle against my body to do them. 

The thing is, I don't know why this happens. I've always had issues, specifically, with being home - I hated summer breaks, and I thought I was doing better now, considering I haven't had any major "suicide is inevitable" episodes. I suppose my question is...is this _possible?_ I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy. After being home for a long period of time, I wonder if I ever could have felt that...but there's nothing in particular that I really hate at home. I don't understand why I feel so differently here. I feel like getting a job might help...but I've only driven <10 times on my own, and the prospect of driving in central NY winter weather is somewhat nerve-wracking with so little experience. I just feel like I could be doing SO much more with my free time, yet can't make myself want to (even though, in some abstract way, I _really want to_, if that makes sense. Granted, I'm not sure it even makes sense to me.)


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## ODFFA

Amaranthine said:


> I'm not sure if this is the correct thread to post this, but I figured I might as well anyway.
> 
> I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home. When I'm seemingly anywhere else - like on a trip, or when I was living at school - I feel pretty normal. Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away. I just don't want to get out of bed, ever. I don't feel like doing anything. It all feels hollow and pointless. I have no motivation. There's no sort of future that feels appealing; it feels like I'm constantly killing time (until like, 3am until 7am when I can find things enjoyable again.) I have a theoretical desire to improve myself, but can think of nothing that would feel satisfying or worthwhile in that respect. I know there's things I _SHOULD_ do, but it feels like an uphill battle against my body to do them.
> 
> The thing is, I don't know why this happens. I've always had issues, specifically, with being home - I hated summer breaks, and I thought I was doing better now, considering I haven't had any major "suicide is inevitable" episodes. I suppose my question is...is this _possible?_ I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy. After being home for a long period of time, I wonder if I ever could have felt that...but there's nothing in particular that I really hate at home. I don't understand why I feel so differently here. I feel like getting a job might help...but I've only driven <10 times on my own, and the prospect of driving in central NY winter weather is somewhat nerve-wracking with so little experience. I just feel like I could be doing SO much more with my free time, yet can't make myself want to (even though, in some abstract way, I _really want to_, if that makes sense. Granted, I'm not sure it even makes sense to me.)



Well, it makes sense to me. More than I can say..... albeit on the level that I can identify with it. God knows why the things we realise would ultimately edify us feel so miserably counter-intuitive to do. I could have written a lot of this myself, so I'm not sure how helpful this reply will be, apart from the solidarity of it. 

You seem to be someone that really prizes your individuality and independence. Could it be, at some level, that being home just feels like a rather discouraging step backwards from being able to.... live a life that is truly _yours_? I also know I don't do too well with that trapped feeling of not being able to get out much on my own. Even if that's just some of the time, it can really get to me. As far as the doing of things, if you're already feeling quite down on yourself for 'not doing much worthwhile' it's a pretty demotivating place to have to launch yourself into positive activity from. Especially if life just feels really monotonous anyway, because not much is naturally happening around you (no external responsibilities, etc) -- almost all the 'happening' is on you :/

I really admire you for a lot of things. You've been completely gracious and awesome in the time you've been feeling this way. And I'm sure you've been really hard on yourself about all sorts, which is both understandable and hard to comprehend from where I'm sitting  And, even though I've been quiet for a while now (precisely because I haven't wanted to out-negative you), I have been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I'm still always here for venting / distraction / both. Genuinely.


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## agouderia

Amaranthine said:


> I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home.



I'm very sorry to hear this Amaranthine.

Have you defined for yourself why exactly you're so unhappy at home? 
Is it related to the people you're with? Families can have strange and burdening structures and being related doesn't at all mean you're a good match. Or it can be that you and the surrounding socio-demographic, it's traditions and behavioral patterns simply don't fit. Or is it more the place itself - you're a city girl at heart stuck in the country or vice-versa? A house where the construction itself, layout, materials, etc. makes you feel physically uncomfortable?

Knowing what exactly is the problem is the first step to maybe solving it.

Some other thoughts on what you wrote:

Practice driving! One of a girl's best friends has 4 wheels - it's a ticket to independence, freedom of movement and also safety. Better now than later, when you at grad school or looking for a job there's much less time.

Have you thought about maybe some job that can be done online? That would keep you in the unloved home - but also give you the opportunity to save money and go on a longer trip for at least some of the time.

In that line - since you know you've got months on your hands - have you looked into maybe short term scholarships, exchange programs or the like to get away from home? There are tons of them around, starting from short 4-6 weeks, but also like 3 months. In case you have any ideas what you would like to explore let me know, because I have some knowledge in the field, might be able to give you some leads.

Bonne chance!


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## Yakatori

Amaranthine said:


> "_...living at home since I graduated in May, ...can barely feel okay at home...*Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes.* I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away....*I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy.*...I'm not sure it even makes sense to me._"


No, that totally makes sense. Not to say that you're not actually depressed, but the transition of going from living on or near a college campus, surrounded by so many young & like-minded people and all of their creative energy and dynamics, to a place that (in some sense) you probably feel like you've already moved-on from; I think that would prove an emotional and motivational challenge for most people.

I also think that, in that type of scenario, being somewhat of a a loner probably makes it even more difficult. As, in an educational setting, you kind of get used to the idea of not really having to put forth too much effort just to be around other human beings, and a fairly diverse range of them. And a bit complacent with respect to the extent to which how important that is, psychologically; particularly so without a whole lot of real meaningful interaction.

Also, you've talked a bit before about your reading. Which, to me, just from the sound of it, it seems like you've developed a pretty strong aptitude there; and, also to mention, something of an actual _regimen_, even if (maybe) you don't quite look at it that way. And that's great; by all means, continue to exercise that muscle to it's fullest capacity. But, as with anything, particularly any kind of solitary activity you find yourself with a real energy & ambition for: _Carry the task, don't let it carry you._ Make a conscious habit of taking regular breaks to attend to your other needs (a drink of water, decent food, getting up for a brief walk, being face to face with another person for a few minutes or so, etc....). Or, similarly, on an off-night, out with friends and such; drinking, smoking, junk-foods, etc...are no big deal. But, just recognize that as you begin to condition yourself to demand more heavily from your own physical and mental strengths, these _dirty-fuels_ will tend produce something like a hang-over type of effect... 

As others have pointed out, you should also try to drive as much as you can while you're still with your folks to practice more and learn to better navigate at least your local area. So, well before you actually become a much more experienced driver, you're at least more than capable to get back and forth from the most important places. Like, if your mom goes shopping or something, just force yourself to get up and go with her and ask to drive. But maybe with more of an eye towards just the immediate goal of self-stimulation, changing your own scenery. 

Likewise, as much as you practically can, insist on driving your dad around for his errands. Or, maybe, if he will at some point let you drive him into to work. (And then, maybe, you can hang-out at a nearby Starbucks while he's at work) Particularly if he's the type that always has to be in the driver's seat. This will actually, ultimately, build your confidence as a driver. And could very well make for some quality-time memories. Besides, how gangster is that just to drive a cranky old man around on his errands: 

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDheXEIxWas[/ame]


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## Amaranthine

First off, thank you so much for the replies. All the suggestions were really wonderful, and I genuinely appreciate it. Uh, sorry for the absolutely too-long post. 



ODFFA said:


> And, even though I've been quiet for a while now (precisely because I haven't wanted to out-negative you), I have been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I'm still always here for venting / distraction / both. Genuinely.



I completely agree about the lack of external responsibilities; it's so much easier knowing that anyone OTHER than you relies on you to get something done. But you can always come vent to me when you wish! It's pretty hard to out-negative me, unless you're my parents. Some mutual life-complaining and support might be nice :happy: 



agouderia said:


> Have you defined for yourself why exactly you're so unhappy at home?
> Knowing what exactly is the problem is the first step to maybe solving it.



I have tried to figure it out, but I've never been able to pinpoint it exactly. Since high school, I remember wishing my parents would get divorced. They fight all the time. They're never affectionate. Most of what my mom says to me = complaints. About everything. There's not one person in my family that I would consider happy. Traveling is probably one of my favorite things to do, but we've never gone on a family vacation because they absolutely hate going...anywhere, especially together.

We do live in the suburbs...which is the worst living situation, in my opinion. I'd rather have the beauty of the countryside or the bustle of a city...not the blandness of middle class family life. And...having gone to a somewhat uppity Catholic school as an atheist...I have about one friend left here to spend time with. It feels as if I've been physically conditioned, over a long period of time, to just be a certain way here...and I don't feel as if I have the willpower to seriously try to re-program. 



> Have you thought about maybe some job that can be done online? That would keep you in the unloved home - but also give you the opportunity to save money and go on a longer trip for at least some of the time.
> 
> In that line - since you know you've got months on your hands - have you looked into maybe short term scholarships, exchange programs or the like to get away from home? There are tons of them around, starting from short 4-6 weeks, but also like 3 months. In case you have any ideas what you would like to explore let me know, because I have some knowledge in the field, might be able to give you some leads.
> Bonne chance!



I actually have briefly considered an online job, but have been pretty unsure about how to find those opportunities. I may start back up on that, just to see if anything turns up. I hadn't thought about doing anything academic like that, but I love the idea. My major fields of interest are psychology (/neuroscience,) philosophy, and literature...but I would be pretty flexible on anything that even touched on those fields. I would very much appreciate any information you could give me on that - and thank you for the suggestion :happy: 



Yakatori said:


> I also think that, in that type of scenario, being somewhat of a a loner probably makes it even more difficult. As, in an educational setting, you kind of get used to the idea of not really having to put forth too much effort just to be around other human beings, and a fairly diverse range of them.
> 
> Also, you've talked a bit before about your reading. Which, to me, just from the sound of it, it seems like you've developed a pretty strong aptitude there; and, also to mention, something of an actual _regimen_, even if (maybe) you don't quite look at it that way.
> 
> As others have pointed out, you should also try to drive as much as you can while you're still with your folks to practice more and learn to better navigate at least your local area.



That's very true; my IRL social life is virtually non-existent when I'm home (as I sort-of mentioned in my above blurb.) My parents have always been very on the stifling side and I feel as if that prevents me from trying to meet anyone new. But I do try to take frequent enough trips and fill that time with socialization. My mom also spends a good deal of time reading up on anything bad that could ever happen to anyone (gangs! gangs everywhere,) so trying to do anything in my typical loner style is almost too much of a fight to bother (No, you can't go there. You'll get murdered IMMEDIATELY. And raped. You can go there after I die.)

I actually do sort of look at it as a regimen; I've tried to shift my recreational time into something that I can consider beneficial on a cognitive and emotional level, so I've been trying to expose myself to a variety of themes. But I do try to fit in fruits/veggies/the occasional thing shamelessly fried in bacon grease...along with a tea/rooibos regimen for healthy hydration. 

I wish the driving thing were as simple as that. My dad works second shift and drives a pick-up...which he wouldn't allow me to drive. My mom is too stressed out to go anywhere 90% of the time. And they got me driving lessons before just so they wouldn't have to take the time to let me practice with them. But I'll definitely try to force my mom's hand when she goes out for her daily taking-care-of-dependent-elderly trip. They both actually hate driving, so they pretty much outright discourage me from trying to drive in winter weather...even though it's a necessity here.


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## Jack Secret

Amaranthine said:


> I guarantee that anyone who truly cares about you won't feel worn out or tired of your downness. It's actually common to feel something akin to guilt (or just general extra badness) for the way you imagine its affecting people close to you; it's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. But try to give yourself a gentle reminder that that sort of thinking isn't really accurate. You're still the amazing person they know and love. More than anything, they're probably concerned with your well-being and would like to be supportive.
> 
> You shouldn't have to hide your feelings or pretend you feel differently for anyone, especially when it makes you feel worse. Life is tiring, and when your brain is being an asshole when it comes to neurotransmitter production and it feels like you can hardly enjoy a goddamn thing, it makes it infinitely harder to make meaning out of existence. Even if someone can't directly relate with what you're experiencing, you're trying as hard as you can and anyone who can't be understanding about that can get fucked. So don't be afraid about being open about how you're really feeling. Be kind and patient towards _yourself._ And take note of those little moments that do make life a little more tolerable, blow them out of proportion, and smile at the absurdity of it



this may be a stretch, but what was your childhood like? Did you have problems at home when you were younger?


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## Amaranthine

Jack Secret said:


> this may be a stretch, but what was your childhood like? Did you have problems at home when you were younger?



I was an outlandishly shy, socially anxious mess until...I started college, I suppose. Before kindergarten, I grew up mostly alone/absorbed in my imagination. I had so much trouble with elementary school that my mom had to actually work at the school for me to be okay with being there. My biggest issue in my teens was having my mom be so overprotective that she wouldn't let me do anything without every detail of who would be there/which parents/how long - and it made me so anxious that I just stopped asking. Or they just didn't want to have to drive me. So I suppose I always felt trapped here? I still feel like I can't really be open with my parents, whereas I can with most anyone else. 

Also, I always had the habit of being a complete night owl here, and that's the primary thing I can't seem to get out of physically. I tend to get insomnia if I try to sleep before 5 lately, but only here.


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## lille

If I didn't have my boyfriend, I would probably kill myself. I am so so alone.


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## Saoirse

Amaranthine said:


> I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home. When I'm seemingly anywhere else - like on a trip, or when I was living at school - I feel pretty normal. Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away. I just don't want to get out of bed, ever. I don't feel like doing anything. It all feels hollow and pointless. I have no motivation. There's no sort of future that feels appealing; it feels like I'm constantly killing time (until like, 3am until 7am when I can find things enjoyable again.) I have a theoretical desire to improve myself, but can think of nothing that would feel satisfying or worthwhile in that respect. I know there's things I _SHOULD_ do, but it feels like an uphill battle against my body to do them.
> 
> The thing is, I don't know why this happens. I've always had issues, specifically, with being home - I hated summer breaks, and I thought I was doing better now, considering I haven't had any major "suicide is inevitable" episodes. I suppose my question is...is this _possible?_ I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy. After being home for a long period of time, I wonder if I ever could have felt that...but there's nothing in particular that I really hate at home. I don't understand why I feel so differently here. I feel like getting a job might help...but I've only driven <10 times on my own, and the prospect of driving in central NY winter weather is somewhat nerve-wracking with so little experience. I just feel like I could be doing SO much more with my free time, yet can't make myself want to (even though, in some abstract way, I _really want to_, if that makes sense. Granted, I'm not sure it even makes sense to me.)



Could it be a physical reaction to something in the house? High EMF can make people feel sick, tired and depressed.


----------



## ODFFA

This post is bound to be long, upsetting and unflattering. Please, nobody feel compelled to actually read it.

My desire to die has increased more than I ever believed possible (as in, possible for my previously almost-Polyanna self). Unfortunately, the truth is, I probably wont attempt suicide. The odds of successful suicide by drug poisoning are just too weak, and the risk of causing even more damage to myself upon survival is too great. And, for some reason, Im not ok with the thought of going out any other way but peacefully. With some substances/combos, there doesnt seem to be enough of a guarantee that the dying process will be hallucination-free or relaxing. Other, more effective pills seem near impossible to obtain. Rightly so, I guess. This isnt childs play. So, even though the thought of falling asleep and never waking up again is incredibly appealing right now, I suppose Im not desperate enough to consider other methods.

Pity, because life still seems anything but worthwhile to me. If the next 30 years are to be anything like the last 30 have been, I feel inclined to say I want no part of it. I know this post may make it seem like I havent even been trying to find some sort of meaning to it all, however small. But Ive been doing nothing but trying for the last 3 months.

First of all, theres this deep feeling of misanthropy I cant seem to find a cure for anymore. Im actually surprised its taken me all of 29 years to feel this way. Considering my fucked up track record with the phenomenon known as people  or maybe I should say, their fucked up track record with me  youd think I would have adopted this feeling way sooner. Maybe Ive let myself down there by being too much of a pushover. With that in mind, Ive lost one of my greatest pleasures in life, helping/supporting other people. It just doesnt seem remotely fulfilling to me anymore.with the possssible exception of someone that is feeling as low as I am atm. There, at least, I feel like its a totally worthwhile thing to listen and show lots of compassion.

In terms of friends, 99% of my friends are guys. I dont know why, but its been that way most of my life. And lately, knowing that Ive been dealing with some heartbreak, not a single, solitary ONE of them have *not* flirted me up like theres no tomorrow. I mean, I dont want to malign them for it. Maybe they thought itd be flattering or somehow helpful. Maybe they didnt realise the extent of how depressed Ive been. Apart from this post, I havent admitted my suicidal thoughts to anyone. But, Im sorry, it feels like the exact opposite of helpful and flattering. It feels opportunistic, flippant and at times even a bit sleazy.

Another purpose Id always ascribed to my life was that of romantic love. I am monogamous at heart in the deepest way a person can be. Like, actually entertaining any temptations in some of the milder ways a person might do, doesnt even sound fun to me. My favourite thing to do with any sexiness I might perceive in someone outside of my partner, would have been to relate it to him somehow in my mind / use it to enhance my already very-much-fixed attraction to him. Its hard to feel that way and not wish for someone to return that sentiment. Ive heard this attitude of mine labelled as misandric/unfair/unnatural so many times  and Ive seen so many disheartening situations unfold, plus had disappointments of my own  that Im (still) losing hope in love altogether as well. Despite my very best efforts to be optimistic.

I am also addicted to food. Its been pretty much my only source of comfort. The only time I feel ok is when Im eating something delicious.

The one other thing that I TRY to revel in as a worthwhile raison dêtre, is enjoying my brains capacity for learning and knowing things, and working as hard as I feel able to. Honestly, it feels like a very minor consolation prize and not much worth actually *living* for. But I guess its something worth surviving for, for now. 

(PS: I am on an SSRI; and I will be calling my therapist today to start seeing her again. I might also look into a support group of sorts, because this really is the end of my tether.)


----------



## Jack Secret

ODFFA said:


> This post is bound to be long, upsetting and unflattering. Please, nobody feel compelled to actually read it.
> 
> My desire to die has increased more than I ever believed possible (as in, possible for my previously almost-Polyanna self). Unfortunately, the truth is, I probably wont attempt suicide. The odds of successful suicide by drug poisoning are just too weak, and the risk of causing even more damage to myself upon survival is too great. And, for some reason, Im not ok with the thought of going out any other way but peacefully. With some substances/combos, there doesnt seem to be enough of a guarantee that the dying process will be hallucination-free or relaxing. Other, more effective pills seem near impossible to obtain. Rightly so, I guess. This isnt childs play. So, even though the thought of falling asleep and never waking up again is incredibly appealing right now, I suppose Im not desperate enough to consider other methods.
> 
> Pity, because life still seems anything but worthwhile to me. If the next 30 years are to be anything like the last 30 have been, I feel inclined to say I want no part of it. I know this post may make it seem like I havent even been trying to find some sort of meaning to it all, however small. But Ive been doing nothing but trying for the last 3 months.
> 
> First of all, theres this deep feeling of misanthropy I cant seem to find a cure for anymore. Im actually surprised its taken me all of 29 years to feel this way. Considering my fucked up track record with the phenomenon known as people  or maybe I should say, their fucked up track record with me  youd think I would have adopted this feeling way sooner. Maybe Ive let myself down there by being too much of a pushover. With that in mind, Ive lost one of my greatest pleasures in life, helping/supporting other people. It just doesnt seem remotely fulfilling to me anymore.with the possssible exception of someone that is feeling as low as I am atm. There, at least, I feel like its a totally worthwhile thing to listen and show lots of compassion.
> 
> In terms of friends, 99% of my friends are guys. I dont know why, but its been that way most of my life. And lately, knowing that Ive been dealing with some heartbreak, not a single, solitary ONE of them have *not* flirted me up like theres no tomorrow. I mean, I dont want to malign them for it. Maybe they thought itd be flattering or somehow helpful. Maybe they didnt realise the extent of how depressed Ive been. Apart from this post, I havent admitted my suicidal thoughts to anyone. But, Im sorry, it feels like the exact opposite of helpful and flattering. It feels opportunistic, flippant and at times even a bit sleazy.
> 
> Another purpose Id always ascribed to my life was that of romantic love. I am monogamous at heart in the deepest way a person can be. Like, actually entertaining any temptations in some of the milder ways a person might do, doesnt even sound fun to me. My favourite thing to do with any sexiness I might perceive in someone outside of my partner, would have been to relate it to him somehow in my mind / use it to enhance my already very-much-fixed attraction to him. Its hard to feel that way and not wish for someone to return that sentiment. Ive heard this attitude of mine labelled as misandric/unfair/unnatural so many times  and Ive seen so many disheartening situations unfold, plus had disappointments of my own  that Im (still) losing hope in love altogether as well. Despite my very best efforts to be optimistic.
> 
> I am also addicted to food. Its been pretty much my only source of comfort. The only time I feel ok is when Im eating something delicious.
> 
> The one other thing that I TRY to revel in as a worthwhile raison dêtre, is enjoying my brains capacity for learning and knowing things, and working as hard as I feel able to. Honestly, it feels like a very minor consolation prize and not much worth actually *living* for. But I guess its something worth surviving for, for now.
> 
> (PS: I am on an SSRI; and I will be calling my therapist today to start seeing her again. I might also look into a support group of sorts, because this really is the end of my tether.)



It seems like your depression has escalated since I 1st noticed your posts in 2013. Do you feel that has been the case? During this time. Can you recall any major changes, in either medication, lifestyle changes, people in your life (including therapists/therapies) that you noticed any small improvements? One other thought Have you moved during these trying times?


----------



## lille

ODFFA I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. I'm glad to hear that you're going to talk to your therapist about the thoughts you've been having, and I hope s/he is able to help. As uncomfortable as it may be, you might want to tell your fiends that they're flirting isn not helpful right now. You don't have to disclose suicidal thoughts, but you can tell them that you're feeling low and that you'd appreciate their support in some other way.


----------



## ODFFA

Jack Secret said:


> It seems like your depression has escalated since I 1st noticed your posts in 2013. Do you feel that has been the case? During this time. Can you recall any major changes, in either medication, lifestyle changes, people in your life (including therapists/therapies) that you noticed any small improvements? One other thought Have you moved during these trying times?



Oh, it's escalated tremendously. I hadn't had suicidal thoughts at all up until a few months ago. The only major lifestyle-type changes since 2013 have been, from earliest to latest: I had a break-in occur in late 2013, during which I was threatened at knife point. It was also around that time that I started giving in more and more to food addictions and started picking up weight. I've steadily picked up quite a bit since. 

I started seeing said therapist, though at the time it was for anxiety that was resurfacing a bit and for dealing with family issues. Depression hardly even came up. But a few months ago I recognised that I really was depressed and started taking an SSRI. 

And for two years I'd been in a complicated long-distance situation with someone, which has just now ended in my losing the person's friendship altogether. 



lille said:


> ODFFA I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. I'm glad to hear that you're going to talk to your therapist about the thoughts you've been having, and I hope s/he is able to help. As uncomfortable as it may be, you might want to tell your fiends that they're flirting isn not helpful right now. You don't have to disclose suicidal thoughts, but you can tell them that you're feeling low and that you'd appreciate their support in some other way.



Thanks, lille  I'll be doing that now.


----------



## MsBrightside

ODFFA,

So sorry that you've been struggling. 

For what it's worth, your thoughts regarding romantic love seem to me to be the ideal; you should never feel that they're unnatural or any of the other negative labels you mentioned. 

I know from some of your other posts that you've been exploring your spirituality, expressing yourself through poetry, and taking language classes; I'm just sorry that you haven't been able to derive much satisfaction or comfort from any of it. It seems like you're doing everything right to try to deal with these feelings. Please just hang in there! Going through the motions may seem pointless now, but hopefully this is a phase of your life that you will be able to work through so that one day you can find the sense of purpose and meaning that you seek.

Hugs to you.


----------



## Yakatori

ODFFA said:


> ...been doing nothing but trying for the last 3 months.....


Whenever I feel like that, I try to remind myself that I'm surviving. Which is always better than its alternative. 



ODFFA said:


> "_...I had a break-in occur in late 2013, during which I was threatened at knife point...deep feeling of misanthropy..._"


That's pretty major. Even outside of the context of being a young woman with a disability in a developing country. Most people who experience something like that ultimately benefit from a certain period of readjustment. Which, necessarily, is not always going to run so smoothly, particularly as you have subsequent, even if apparently unrelated traumas. Because, inevitably, your mind draws connections between all of these things. After all the common denominator is you. You're the one experiencing it.

But it's not your fault. And even as you (perhaps) realize that on a purely intellectual level, it (generally) requires some reinforcement. On a more experiential-level. Ultimately, returning to a scene or taking a similar risk. And seeing, for yourself, a new, better outcome. And that whatever's happened, is just that, something that once-happened.

So, that being said, you also have what are said to be more practical challenges in front of you, that require as much of whatever resolve you can muster. It's just a question of how to begin to tap into that.



ODFFA said:


> "_...giving in more and more to food addictions and started picking up weight...pretty much my only source of comfort. The only time I feel ok is when Im eating something delicious._"


That one is sort of tough. Because, really, you have to eat in order to live. (As opposed to any of a number of things you could be addicted to, which are obviously not required to sustain your own life). 

Best there to begin just in concentrating on getting a handle on your stress and stressors:



ODFFA said:


> "_...I dont want to malign them for it. Maybe they thought itd be flattering or somehow helpful. Maybe they didnt realise the extent of how depressed Ive been....*it feels like the exact opposite of helpful* and flattering. It feels opportunistic, flippant...._"


My folks are a bit old, and at that point where, at times, it really comes across some extent to which a lot of the modern world has passed them by. Like, sometimes, there are certain things they just don't understand, they don't always 'get' how things really work.

And yet, they know me. They have this implicit understanding of my whole affect, even as I try to disguise (from them) what I'm really feeling (sad, disappointed, worried, angry, etc..). So, each to some degree, they can just tell "something's wrong." And so, they say...all kinds of silly things, things that just don't really make too much sense...just to seize that opportunity to relate their own (however limited) awareness and concern. For me. So.... 

People just do what they know. Just as others, in this thread or in similar situations, can tend to respond in these ways that might (at times) come across as scripted or formulaic or whatever, so too does what I write just reflect...._some things I know_, what I've figured out _for myself_. 

In that sense, I dunno if it's so much that men are not _the-very-best_ at relating emotional sensitivity as much as...not having "the answer" usually tends to preclude saying more rather than less. So, in lieu of saying the wrong thing, most are more comfortable to say nothing. I know I am. And yet...

I mostly just want for you to know that I've read & thought on what you wrote. And wish I could do more than just that. As I'm sure many others as well. And that:



ODFFA said:


> "_...Another purpose Id always ascribed to my life was that of romantic love....monogamous at heart in the deepest way...hard to feel that way and not wish for someone to return that sentiment. Ive heard *this attitude of mine labelled as misandric/unfair/unnatural* so many times...._"


You shouldn't listen to those people. However you feel about it is as perfectly natural to you (or anyone who wants to love you, as you, right now) as anything else about you. Romantic love is a noble pursuit, it IS a reason to live. Realized or not, unrequited, whatever. Just even the dream of it, the possibility. Whether it's your dream or anyone's, that's a reason to live, to continue. Even if just in principle. 

But for so much more, because it's also a reality. 

And the evidence for this is everywhere, a good % of all of the best poetry, painting, rock music, etc...

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mIfUf4wU0Y[/ame]



ODFFA said:


> "_I started seeing said therapist, though at the time it was for anxiety that was resurfacing a bit and for dealing with family issues. Depression hardly even came up. But a few months ago I recognised that I really was depressed and started taking an SSRI. _"


As I'm sure your therapist already realizes, even as anxiety and depression can often have unrelated or different trigger or causes, they're still very much related and impacting on each other. Just as any medical treatment can benefit from continuing fine-tuning if not complete re-adjustment. 

However, is it possible that you're therapist is not very good at what they're doing? Don't get me wrong, maybe they're the very best, most qualified. Or maybe they have just the makings of the-next-great therapist. Like, they're still, kind of, learning, in development.

So, too, are a lot of your male friends. (So, too, am I...)

The point is, even as imperfect as any tool can seem, sometimes you just have to work it a bit harder. Maybe even until it breaks. 

So, don't be afraid to tell your therapist (or any type of doctor/physician) when something's not working. Especially as they give you that unapproachable, _don't-question-me_ vibe. Try as you might, not to sit there unquestioning. I mean, by all means, listen and be attentive, try to have an open mind. But also be ready & willing to challenge their whole approach.

Just as you should for your male friends. (Just as you should for me). Because, none of us are frail old people. We're not going to just wither away or break under the weight of some critique. Or even as maybe, sometimes, we all do; that's really more so how we're all made to learn & grow. That's how we get better and stronger in everything we do.



ODFFA said:


> "_...lost one of my greatest pleasures in life, helping/supporting other people. It just doesnt seem remotely fulfilling to me anymore.with the possssible exception of someone that is feeling as low as I am atm. There, at least, I feel like its a totally worthwhile thing to listen and show lots of compassion._"


There's a definite answer in your question. But, it requires some practical support, transportation, logistics, etc... Who do you think most deserves your support? Ultimately, who could you ask to help you or what other resources are at your disposable in order to make more of a regular, ongoing commitment to it?

If it helps to change your outlook, then you certainly won't regret having tried.


----------



## ODFFA

MsBrightside said:


> ...Going through the motions may seem pointless now, but hopefully this is a phase of your life that you will be able to work through so that one day you can find the sense of purpose and meaning that you seek.
> 
> Hugs to you.





Yakatori said:


> ...If it helps to change your outlook, then you certainly won't regret having tried.



I'm seriously humbled by both your replies and how much thought/effort you put into them. My head is spinning in a thousand directions right now, but what you've said will sink in more and more.

Along with a few other things I've read up on + the comfort of knowing a shrink appointment is just around the corner, the kind of support (all of) you have shown me is helping me regain some hope for the future. And with that, more of the strength / presence of mind I need right now to..... well, "work those imperfect tools harder."


----------



## Surlysomething

This whole month i've been out of my comfort zone in the biggest way possible. The outcome will be worth all the effort, but it's affected my health terribly. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. My MS is not happy and my depression busted out all over the place yesterday and I had a mini-meltdown and fled work.

A lot of sleep (finally) helped a bit. Quiet helped a bit too.
Talking to my Mom and bestie and knowing they are going to be there for me on Saturday has helped immensely. 

I'm not very good with change obviously.


----------



## Beckoo

Medication, talk therapy, psychiatrists etc. When do you start to think its all for nothing? I am still struggling daily. I am a good girl and go to my appts and take my pills but it never seems to help. When is it time to throw in the towel!


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## lille

Beckoo said:


> Medication, talk therapy, psychiatrists etc. When do you start to think its all for nothing? I am still struggling daily. I am a good girl and go to my appts and take my pills but it never seems to help. When is it time to throw in the towel!



If therapy and your meds aren't working, make sure you are telling your doctors/therapist this. Depression can be tricky and it can take a while to find what works. Something else that can help is making sure that you're being physically active on a regular basis.


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## Jack Secret

Beckoo said:


> Medication, talk therapy, psychiatrists etc. When do you start to think its all for nothing? I am still struggling daily. I am a good girl and go to my appts and take my pills but it never seems to help. When is it time to throw in the towel!



I've struggled with it all my life. The last 10 years have been especially bad due to custody/visitation issues with my boy and almost 8 years ago becoming a quadriplegic. Having said that I know now that being paralyzed is NOT what my problem is. You would Think that would be my MAIN problem. it would probably help some with fighting the depression, But I can't tell you the last time I said , "if only I can walk again.". I can and should be living a productive, healthy life, but the depression just Will not let me get up and do it as much as I should.

Anyway, Lillie has hit on one of the biggest things that people neglect to consider Get out and talk to people. It's very easy for people like me to tend to isolate and neglect friendships/relationships. Please catch yourself before you let that happen. I have lots of acquaintances and few truly close friends. I actually put notes in my Outlook calendar to call such and such on a schedule. Even if I don't have anything to talk about I will still call just to let them hear my voice. We may only get together a few times a year, but I made sure I keep that contact.


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## Yakatori

Jack Secret said:


> "_...lots of acquaintances and few truly close friends....notes in my Outlook calendar to call such and such on a schedule. Even if I don't have anything to talk about I will still call just to let them hear my voice. We may only get together a few times a year, but I made sure I keep that contact._"


Especially as you get older, it's important to remind yourself to invest regularly and consistently and somewhat proportionately in the relationships you get the most out of. And even the ones you just a little something out of.

It's a two-way street. And, I think, anything that helps to us to remember that _it's not all about you_ can really a person help to get a bit outside of themselves and focus what's more important. This is just one of those qualities common to people who're generally happy.


----------



## Jack Secret

Yakatori said:


> And, I think, anything that helps to us to remember that _it's not all about you_ can really a person help to get a bit outside of themselves and focus what's more important. This is just one of those qualities common to people who're generally happy.



That is a great point to remember. I didn't consider that.


----------



## Surlysomething

Massive blowout with my father.
I let my guard down and he went in for the kill. 


Fuck him.


----------



## MsBrightside

Sorry that happened, Surly. It's awful when someone who's supposed to love/care for you goes for the jugular like that. 

Someone close to me does something similar, and I don't really know the best way to handle it. I suppose it boils down to trying to decide whether you're generally better off with him in your life (perhaps within certain parameters and/or on the other side of that protective guard you mentioned) or whether it's best to distance yourself from him completely. I'm still struggling with that one myself. Hugs to you.


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## Surlysomething

I'm sad you're going through something similar, life is crazy enough.

The up-side is he finally said the one thing i've known my entire adult life: He doesn't like me.

Haha

Again, fuck him!



MsBrightside said:


> Sorry that happened, Surly. It's awful when someone who's supposed to love/care for you goes for the jugular like that.
> 
> Someone close to me does something similar, and I don't really know the best way to handle it. I suppose it boils down to trying to decide whether you're generally better off with him in your life (perhaps within certain parameters and/or on the other side of that protective guard you mentioned) or whether it's best to distance yourself from him completely. I'm still struggling with that one myself. Hugs to you.


----------



## ODFFA

Surlysomething said:


> Massive blowout with my father.
> I let my guard down and he went in for the kill.
> 
> 
> Fuck him.





Surlysomething said:


> I'm sad you're going through something similar, life is crazy enough.
> 
> The up-side is he finally said the one thing i've known my entire adult life: He doesn't like me.
> 
> Haha
> 
> Again, fuck him!



I so know how this goes. Sometimes it turns out to be a damn pity that we naturally revere our parents so much as small children. It's not easy to take back that kind of power from a person. 

But you've done it and you're still doing it.

And in a society where it's rather unconventional to say such things about your father (because.... because..... he's your father  ) I'm going to back you up 100%. If he can't see your worth, if what you feel the need to do is constantly have your guard up with him around, then fuck him very much indeed.

<3


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## Surlysomething

He's made his issues a part of who i've become. How I view myself. How I handle my life (or don't handle it). Why I want/wanted so much approval i'll never truly know.

I had been doing so well buffering him but he stepped up a bit lately and acted like I meant something, in turn I was a bit more vulnerable. NEVER AGAIN. He was cruel, immature, and not talking sense about a lot of things. He really just wanted to hurt me. Push the knife in deeper.

He's not a nice person to me. For that matter, he's not very nice to a lot of people he actually knows. At all. 

I wanted to say that it was comforting hearing you say you understand, but it's not. I don't wish this kind of abuse on anyone. 

*Live your life for yourself, no one else. NO ONE ELSE.*







ODFFA said:


> I so know how this goes. Sometimes it turns out to be a damn pity that we naturally revere our parents so much as small children. It's not easy to take back that kind of power from a person.
> 
> But you've done it and you're still doing it.
> 
> And in a society where it's rather unconventional to say such things about your father (because.... because..... he's your father  ) I'm going to back you up 100%. If he can't see your worth, if what you feel the need to do is constantly have your guard up with him around, then fuck him very much indeed.
> 
> <3


----------



## lille

Really not in a good place tonight. My boyfriend is over at his parents' so I can't call him.


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## Jack Secret

lille said:


> Really not in a good place tonight. My boyfriend is over at his parents' so I can't call him.



Hope you're in a better place today even if it is Monday


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## Surlysomething

Some days I hate myself so much I have no words.

Today is one of those days.


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## lille

I normally feel sorta crappy after I come after visiting my boyfriend but this is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I thought a good night's sleep would help but I barely dragged myself out of bed at 1:30 this afternoon. I showered, took some things out of my suitcase, and mailed some paperwork. I'm ready to crawl back into bed.


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## ODFFA

Surlysomething said:


> Some days I hate myself so much I have no words.
> 
> Today is one of those days.





lille said:


> I normally feel sorta crappy after I come after visiting my boyfriend but this is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I thought a good night's sleep would help but I barely dragged myself out of bed at 1:30 this afternoon. I showered, took some things out of my suitcase, and mailed some paperwork. I'm ready to crawl back into bed.



You're both in my thoughts often. Like genuinely, that's not something I'm just saying to say it. You've both been so supportive and amazing to me over these past few months - my worst yet. For that, and because I feel a kinship, your health and happiness will always be something I'm relentlessly rooting for.


----------



## lille

ODFFA said:


> You're both in my thoughts often. Like genuinely, that's not something I'm just saying to say it. You've both been so supportive and amazing to me over these past few months - my worst yet. For that, and because I feel a kinship, your health and happiness will always be something I'm relentlessly rooting for.




Thanks. You're in my thoughts as well. It's nice to feel like there's someone who cares and doesn't feel burdened be me talking about how I'm feeling


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## Surlysomething

Thank you. I find comfort on this board so much and appreciate everyone sharing their struggles. xoxx




ODFFA said:


> You're both in my thoughts often. Like genuinely, that's not something I'm just saying to say it. You've both been so supportive and amazing to me over these past few months - my worst yet. For that, and because I feel a kinship, your health and happiness will always be something I'm relentlessly rooting for.


----------



## lille

It flailing up majorly for the first time since I've been living here. I've had a few home sick days and things like that, but not this want to sleep all day, feel like I'm going to cry for no reason, isolated feeling.


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## loopytheone

lille said:


> It flailing up majorly for the first time since I've been living here. I've had a few home sick days and things like that, but not this want to sleep all day, feel like I'm going to cry for no reason, isolated feeling.



It will be okay, you'll get through this, you are strong. Much positive vibes coming your way. <3


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## lille

loopytheone said:


> It will be okay, you'll get through this, you are strong. Much positive vibes coming your way. <3



Thanks. I did give my boyfriend a heads up that this is typically the hardest time of year for me. I'm going to try to make a conscious effort not to isolate myself and to keep busy. I took the pup to the dog park today and that was good.


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## Xyantha Reborn

I feel you lille! I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), so I experience depression this time of year, basically right into the spring months. 

I've been struggling to stay awake, with awful headaches and low spirits for about two weeks now. And I have an ongoing, major case of the "fukkits" with work and anything "hard". I know within the next month the being unable to think/express myself/unable to stay awake/crying is going to kick up...

This year doesn't look like it will be as bad as some, but two years ago was so bad I was basically crying each night, was emotionally all over the place, and was unable to focus or even stay awake. Big hugs!!!


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## lille

Xyantha Reborn said:


> I feel you lille! I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), so I experience depression this time of year, basically right into the spring months.
> 
> I've been struggling to stay awake, with awful headaches and low spirits for about two weeks now. And I have an ongoing, major case of the "fukkits" with work and anything "hard". I know within the next month the being unable to think/express myself/unable to stay awake/crying is going to kick up...
> 
> This year doesn't look like it will be as bad as some, but two years ago was so bad I was basically crying each night, was emotionally all over the place, and was unable to focus or even stay awake. Big hugs!!!



This time of year is aways worst for me, peaking around Christmas. I was hoping the warmer weather down here would help. I'm just going to learn how to let my boyfriend see the not so pretty parts, without using him as a crutch/excuse to totally fall apart.


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## lille

So it's not exactly depression related but this where I feel most comfortable talking about my mental health. I've gotten back into counseling and have been going for about 2 months now. We're starting to dig in and do real trauma work. I know it's good for me but it sucks. Last session wasn't as bad but after the first session I was jittery and on edge and raw for days. I'm also frustrated with myself because there are so many holes in my memory. I have a poor memory in general but there are just so many gaps. I hate telling my therapist that nope, still don't remember any more details. My clinician brain tells me that's normal and a defense mechanism but it's still so frustrating and I can't help but feel disappointed in myself.


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## loopytheone

lille said:


> So it's not exactly depression related but this where I feel most comfortable talking about my mental health. I've gotten back into counseling and have been going for about 2 months now. We're starting to dig in and do real trauma work. I know it's good for me but it sucks. Last session wasn't as bad but after the first session I was jittery and on edge and raw for days. I'm also frustrated with myself because there are so many holes in my memory. I have a poor memory in general but there are just so many gaps. I hate telling my therapist that nope, still don't remember any more details. My clinician brain tells me that's normal and a defense mechanism but it's still so frustrating and I can't help but feel disappointed in myself.



I can definitely empathise with this. Therapy, whilst helpful, can be hugely draining and leave you so vulnerable and raw to everything for ages afterwards. You just have to remind yourself that that means you are remembering things and uncovering things inside yourself and that's the first step to recovering and overcoming them. It's easy to get frustrated with yourself, I know, but try and be as patient as you can. I know you wouldn't get frustrated with anyone else in this situation so try and remind yourself how patient and understanding you would be with other people in that situation.

You are doing great.


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## lille

Thanks loopy. I just need to remember to treat myself as gently as I do my clients.


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## CleverBomb

Xyantha Reborn said:


> I feel you lille! I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), so I experience depression this time of year, basically right into the spring months.
> 
> I've been struggling to stay awake, with awful headaches and low spirits for about two weeks now. And I have an ongoing, major case of the "fukkits" with work and anything "hard". I know within the next month the being unable to think/express myself/unable to stay awake/crying is going to kick up...
> 
> This year doesn't look like it will be as bad as some, but two years ago was so bad I was basically crying each night, was emotionally all over the place, and was unable to focus or even stay awake. Big hugs!!!


Aren't there some special light bulbs or something that provide full-spectrum light that can mitigate SAD?


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## lille

CleverBomb said:


> Aren't there some special light bulbs or something that provide full-spectrum light that can mitigate SAD?




Yes, my mom used to have one and my undergraduate school had some that students could use for free.


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## x0emnem0x

Tonight is a bad night, my mind is eating at itself, I can't help it. I'm in a weird emotional episode I can't crawl out of, so instead I am crawling into a bottle of rum. I don't choose the best ways to handle this shit, but I am trying to distract myself. I wish I understood myself.


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## Cobra Verde

I hope you feel better. Drinking to deal with sorrow gets a bad rap. It's a terrible long-term solution (which I re-learned a month ago) but when depression hits hard the most important thing is to just get through it.
Personally I think I'd be happier (i.e. happy at all) if I understood myself a little _less_.


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## loopytheone

I wish so much that I could take all the depression away from you guys so you don't have to deal with pain and upset you don't deserve. If I could have a superpower, that would definitely be it. If any of you ever need to talk about things, my inbox is always open. Just remember that getting through things day by day, hour by hour, makes you strong and successful. I'm proud of you all for still being here and everything you've accomplished.


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## Sculptor

Cobra Verde said:


> I hope you feel better. Drinking to deal with sorrow gets a bad rap. It's a terrible long-term solution (which I re-learned a month ago) but when depression hits hard the most important thing is to just get through it.
> Personally I think I'd be happier (i.e. happy at all) if I understood myself a little _less_.



This is the only preachy thing I will ever type here (and I apologize in advance) because it's about drinking to solve problems and it hits really close to home: you'll learn a lot later if you stick with it because you need a liver to live and it's a horrible ending, not just for you but for people around you who will never forget. You will slowly starve to death. Imagine your friends and family or children watching you slowly starve to death the next time you think drinking or drugs will help you feel better. Try exercising more (this is really important), being grateful for who you are, spending more time with loved ones or meeting new people if you don't have any family or friends, putting yourself in situations that scare you, trying new hobbies, taking classes, volunteering, and seeing a counselor that doesn't try to give you tablets on the first visit. I think you're wrong about wanting to know yourself a little less; I think it's just the opposite if you want to treat yourself right. Everyone's got a purpose and channeling yourself into the champion of that role would help anyone; and, like everyone knows about champions: they're never born that way, they're cultivated.


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## Cobra Verde

You're right of course, and that's why I noted it's a terrible long-term coping mechanism. But sometimes just getting through this regardless of the means is the most important thing. At least in my experience.


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## Cobra Verde

Is there a word for the moment you realize that you can remember being happy in the past but you can't remember what happiness _feels_ like anymore? It seems like there should be some word for it, possibly in German. Like "schmertzblochen" or something similar.


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## Dromond

Since my last post in this thread, I've had a lot happen. My diagnosis was changed from chronic depression to bipolar II. Bipolar II is where the "up" swings are much less dramatic than is typical for bipolar disorder. In my case, my "up" phases make me feel normal. I don't have episodes of mania, I just have episodes of "not depressed." Sadly, they're pretty short compared to my "down" phases. My upswings are rare and last less than a day.

A year ago I spent time in-patient at a community based mental health facility. It was more a temporary group home with a psych nurse on duty than anything else. Nice enough, and much better than being in a loony bin. I had myself admitted, because if I didn't I would have offed myself for sure. A two week stay had me on better footing by the end of it, and I was fast tracked into counseling. Getting mental health care here is a pain in the ass unless you are a danger to yourself or others. Or rich enough to pay out of pocket.

I'm doing sorta kinda okay now. I have good and bad days, of course. Today wasn't an okay day. Today was a hide from the world day, and I mostly did. I had to venture out once, but I didn't like it.

The big question of "why am I here and what purpose do I serve" is still unanswered. At least I'm still around to ask it. That's a victory.


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## Cobra Verde

Dromond said:


> The big question of "why am I here and what purpose do I serve" is still unanswered.


For some reason it usually annoys me when people agree by responding with "This." but seriously _This_. Holy shit This.
I've been trying to figure this out for 25 years and, aside from a couple years recently where I thought I'd answered it, I'm about as close to figuring it out as I am the Theory of Everything. 
I guess that's not very encouraging...

I'm glad you're still around to ask it too.


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## Ho Ho Tai

Dromond said:


> Since my last post in this thread, I've had a lot happen. My diagnosis was changed from chronic depression to bipolar II. Bipolar II is where the "up" swings are much less dramatic than is typical for bipolar disorder. In my case, my "up" phases make me feel normal. I don't have episodes of mania, I just have episodes of "not depressed." Sadly, they're pretty short compared to my "down" phases. My upswings are rare and last less than a day.
> 
> A year ago I spent time in-patient at a community based mental health facility. It was more a temporary group home with a psych nurse on duty than anything else. Nice enough, and much better than being in a loony bin. I had myself admitted, because if I didn't I would have offed myself for sure. A two week stay had me on better footing by the end of it, and I was fast tracked into counseling. Getting mental health care here is a pain in the ass unless you are a danger to yourself or others. Or rich enough to pay out of pocket.
> 
> I'm doing sorta kinda okay now. I have good and bad days, of course. Today wasn't an okay day. Today was a hide from the world day, and I mostly did. I had to venture out once, but I didn't like it.
> 
> The big question of "why am I here and what purpose do I serve" is still unanswered. At least I'm still around to ask it. That's a victory.



Dromond -

I hope this response does not sound facetious, flippant or dismissive. I, too, had numerous periods of depression, mostly in my 40s and 50s. I was given everything in the pharmacopeia and, as with most medicines, had little relief and many side effects. Mysteriously (or not) most disappeared after marrying Mrs Ho Ho, my Partner, Friend and Lover.

I relayed your comments to her, adding my own. A highly abbreviated version of that response is posted, below.

"I think we (Mrs Ho Ho and I) are closer to answering that question than most. We are here to explore - to ask the unanswerable questions. We are here for others. Most of all, we are here for each other."

It is said that laughter is the best medicine. That special kind of laughter, which comes unbidden from the joy you feel in helping someone else, is the best medicine of all.

By the way, while we express it differently, I quite agree with Cobra's comments.


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## loopytheone

Dromond said:


> A year ago I spent time in-patient at a community based mental health facility. It was more a temporary group home with a psych nurse on duty than anything else. Nice enough, and much better than being in a loony bin. I had myself admitted, because if I didn't I would have offed myself for sure. A two week stay had me on better footing by the end of it, and I was fast tracked into counseling. Getting mental health care here is a pain in the ass unless you are a danger to yourself or others. Or rich enough to pay out of pocket.



I definitely understand what you mean here. After a whole lifetime of anxiety and depression and pain, the only time the doctors made any real effort for me was when my family went to the doctors in tears because they realised I was planning on ending myself. Even then, they still let me wander around outside on my own for hours. As it happens, my attempts at ending my life failed (obviously). Seeing as how my brother committed suicide when he was around that age you'd have thought they'd have done more to help, but... and now I'm not suicidal anymore I literally get no help at all whatsoever. 

Oddly enough, the professional/paid psychatrists I saw were the worst by far. One even told me I was beyond help and would never get better and there was no point seeing me anymore. Turns out I'm not 'beyond help' or 'not trying', I'm autistic and that's why their therapies don't work on me. 



Dromond said:


> The big question of "why am I here and what purpose do I serve" is still unanswered. At least I'm still around to ask it. That's a victory.





Cobra Verde said:


> For some reason it usually annoys me when people agree by responding with "This." but seriously _This_. Holy shit This.
> I've been trying to figure this out for 25 years and, aside from a couple years recently where I thought I'd answered it, I'm about as close to figuring it out as I am the Theory of Everything.
> I guess that's not very encouraging...
> 
> I'm glad you're still around to ask it too.



I'm glad both of you are still around to ask it. I have asked this question a lot, especially as I can't work so I rely on government benefits to survive and sometimes it seems like I'm nothing but a drain on society. The best conclusion I've come to is that there is purpose/reason for us being here as individuals so all we can do is live the best life we can and try and put as much positivity into the world as possible. Cliche as that is.


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## Cobra Verde

loopytheone said:


> I definitely understand what you mean here. After a whole lifetime of anxiety and depression and pain, the only time the doctors made any real effort for me was when my family went to the doctors in tears because they realised I was planning on ending myself. Even then, they still let me wander around outside on my own for hours. As it happens, my attempts at ending my life failed (obviously). Seeing as how my brother committed suicide when he was around that age you'd have thought they'd have done more to help, but... and now I'm not suicidal anymore I literally get no help at all whatsoever.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Oddly enough, the professional/paid psychatrists I saw were the worst by far. One even told me I was beyond help and would never get better and there was no point seeing me anymore. Turns out I'm not 'beyond help' or 'not trying', I'm autistic and that's why their therapies don't work on me.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm glad both of you are still around to ask it. I have asked this question a lot, especially as I can't work so I rely on government benefits to survive and sometimes it seems like I'm nothing but a drain on society. The best conclusion I've come to is that there is purpose/reason for us being here as individuals so all we can do is live the best life we can and try and put as much positivity into the world as possible. Cliche as that is.


I've had similar experience, though no one in my (immediate) family has killed themselves. It's kind of remarkable to think how unless you have a noose around your neck family are reluctant to get involved. I assume they wouldn't just walk by someone laying on the ground with a broken leg, but when it's mental it seems like the rules are different. Maybe (hopefully) we're both unlucky and other people generally have better supports.
I don't have autism but all of the professional psychiatrists and social workers I've seen have been useless. Oddly, the only good ones were younger and still in training. I know that's anecdotal but it confirms my cynicism of the profession.

I'm starting to notice my contributions to this thread (the people closest to you are unreliable/mental health professionals are useless/you can be totally lost for most of two-and-a-half decades/bottoms up!) aren't super optimistic...

You shouldn't feel the slightest bit bad or guilty about relying on public benefits, those services are there precisely for people in your position who can't work. It's not as if you just don't feel like it. I couldn't work when I was younger and if I didn't take advantage of mental health services that I wasn't paying for then I would've died and wouldn't have later been able to contribute anything at all to society or help anyone else. Helping someone survive is about as noble a use of public money as I can think of.


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## loopytheone

Cobra Verde said:


> I've had similar experience, though no one in my (immediate) family has killed themselves. It's kind of remarkable to think how unless you have a noose around your neck family are reluctant to get involved. I assume they wouldn't just walk by someone laying on the ground with a broken leg, but when it's mental it seems like the rules are different. Maybe (hopefully) we're both unlucky and other people generally have better supports.
> I don't have autism but all of the professional psychiatrists and social workers I've seen have been useless. Oddly, the only good ones were younger and still in training. I know that's anecdotal but it confirms my cynicism of the profession.
> 
> I'm starting to notice my contributions to this thread (the people closest to you are unreliable/mental health professionals are useless/you can be totally lost for most of two-and-a-half decades/bottoms up!) aren't super optimistic...
> 
> You shouldn't feel the slightest bit bad or guilty about relying on public benefits, those services are there precisely for people in your position who can't work. It's not as if you just don't feel like it. I couldn't work when I was younger and if I didn't take advantage of mental health services that I wasn't paying for then I would've died and wouldn't have later been able to contribute anything at all to society or help anyone else. Helping someone survive is about as noble a use of public money as I can think of.



The most helpful things for my mental health were getting to move away from an abusive person and my medication. From what I can tell, I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain causing my depression. When I'm not on my meds within days I turn suicidal and paranoid to the point where therapists can't work with me at all. My meds give me the clarity to work through my issues and as cliche as this is, they completely changed my life.

Oddly enough, the best therapist I ever had was an older lady who was the first person to accept that my problems didn't stem from issues relating to my brother's death. I mean, I love him, I miss him, but it happened a long time ago and I got over the pain of that many years ago. She also helped encourage me to get my own place and become stronger and healthier than I ever thought I would be.

Thank you so much for saying that, it really means so much. There's a lot of pressure on people to work and not be on benefits, as I'm sure you know, and it really gets to me sometimes. But I surprise myself with my strength and ability to cope with things all the time, so I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to work enough to support myself without benefits, even if it takes me a lot longer to get to that point than most people.


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## lille

The "why am I here" question is a huge one to grapple with and I too am glad you all are here to keep asking it. 

Loopy, I wanted to join in saying that there is absolutely no shame in being supported by the government. The majority of my clients receive government assistance and I am so glad that they have that option available to them. Fighting for your mental health is a full time job.


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## Cobra Verde

Tangent, but is there that much assistance for mental health in Texas? I was under the impression that it was gutted a long time ago.


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## Green Eyed Fairy

Years ago I was in counseling for my depression (among other things). I never brought up the "Why am I here" question to my counselor but he told me about a book by Kurt Vonnegut. 
It was about someone traveling through the galaxy, planet to planet, searching for the meaning of life. In the end, they come across some beings that resemble cockroaches. When asked why do we live, they answered "Why not?".

Very simple answer...that meant something to me. It made me laugh because, once again, I found myself feeling silly about some of the things I had been twisting about for so long. 

That was it for me....why not? And I also realized in that counseling that I am much stronger and capable than I ever viewed myself to be.


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## lille

Cobra Verde said:


> Tangent, but is there that much assistance for mental health in Texas? I was under the impression that it was gutted a long time ago.




It's certainly not great but there is state funded mental health insurance for people who qualify financially. Most of the clinics are super busy, they rarely answer their phones, and in some cases you see a psychiatrist over a computer, but it exists. I'm only familiar with the insistence for Dallas and 6 of the surrounding counties cause that's who the company I work for is funded through buts it's all changing in January and Medicaid is taking over. It can be a struggle even with private insurance though, actually it takes longer to see a psychiatrist usually if you have insurance. But yeah, in general, Texas sucks as far as mental health treatment goes, especially in rural counties.


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## Dromond

This is my life.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-ja...ize-you-are-doing-because-of-your-depression/


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## Cobra Verde

Almost every one fits me, most of them daily. The only exceptions are:

1 & 10 - I don't give a shit anymore if people can tell.
8
Half of 11 - I know the reasons.



Does anyone have experience with support groups for depression? I tried it to-night and it reminded me why I hated it a dozen years ago. There's always one person with diarrhea of the mouth who prattles on for 5 minutes at a time with his "take" on what someone else has said and just repeats the same platitudes and buzz-terms ad nauseum. It's exhausting to deal with people who can't shut up and you can't really say "SHUT THE FUCK UP" in a _support group_, no matter how justified you would be. I...don't think I'll be returning.


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## loopytheone

Cobra Verde said:


> Does anyone have experience with support groups for depression? I tried it to-night and it reminded me why I hated it a dozen years ago. There's always one person with diarrhea of the mouth who prattles on for 5 minutes at a time with his "take" on what someone else has said and just repeats the same platitudes and buzz-terms ad nauseum. It's exhausting to deal with people who can't shut up and you can't really say "SHUT THE FUCK UP" in a _support group_, no matter how justified you would be. I...don't think I'll be returning.



I've never been to a support group for depression but I've been to 'confidence building' classes for people with anxiety and depression and found them utterly intolerable for the reasons you mentioned. I just left feeling irritated, which isn't the point of the group, I assume.

I mean, don't get me wrong, talking to people who go through the same things and who understand your experiences can be incredibly helpful. But you kinda have to actually like (or at least not hate) the person/people you are talking to or it doesn't really work.


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## Dromond

Yeah, it seems like there is always "that one guy" in every group.


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## lille

Loopy, your point is exactly why I think group therapy run by someone who is well versed in managing group dynamics and takes time to consider who they select for their group is so much more beneficial than a support group. You get the validation that you're not he only one struggling with these things with more structure and control so that ideally you don't get one person overtaking the conversation.


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## lille

Sorry for double posting but this is unrelated to my last comment and I didn't want to lump them together as one. 

I need to talk to my counselor today about the fact that I've been having more frequent sometimes intrusive thoughts about suicide and self harm. They have less intensity than when they were less frequent, but it's gotten to the point where This past week I've had more days with them than without. I love my counselor and have felt pretty comfortable opening up about pretty much everything but this is always a really hard thing for me to discuss. And it's not something we've talked about in detail yet, just that I do have a history of self harming and what her approach to dealing with it is.


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## Cobra Verde

lille said:


> Loopy, your point is exactly why I think group therapy run by someone who is well versed in managing group dynamics and takes time to consider who they select for their group is so much more beneficial than a support group. You get the validation that you're not he only one struggling with these things with more structure and control so that ideally you don't get one person overtaking the conversation.


For me it was a volunteer group and the people running it aren't therapists. I actually liked that aspect of it and it made it easier for me to talk than it ever has been but I just can't deal with spending over 1/3 of the time listening to one person saying the same thing over and over. In fairness to the guy (who was quite nice and encouraged me to talk) it may not have been as bad if I didn't have a negative association with his voice. He sounded _exactly_ like a particular fictional character which, ridiculously enough, causes memories of things that brought me there in the first place.
Though even in group therapy run by doctors in the past it has always seemed like 1 person always takes it over and if it's hard for you to talk you're basically just sitting there listening to someone else's therapy session. It's not anyone else's fault if it's hard for me to talk, but it's still not very helpful.







lille said:


> I need to talk to my counselor today about the fact that I've been having more frequent sometimes intrusive thoughts about suicide and self harm. They have less intensity than when they were less frequent, but it's gotten to the point where This past week I've had more days with them than without. I love my counselor and have felt pretty comfortable opening up about pretty much everything but this is always a really hard thing for me to discuss. And it's not something we've talked about in detail yet, just that I do have a history of self harming and what her approach to dealing with it is.


 
Good luck sharing this with your counselor. I never can be honest as to how bad it is myself but I hope you can.


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## lille

The person running that group may have been a good therapist but not necessarily a good group therapist. It is not easy and takes a certain skill set. I ran art therapy groups at the psychiatric hospital where I am turned and even with all of that structure it could be really difficult.


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## Leem

Sometimes I'm crying so hard on the inside but I'm smiling so softly on the outside as I go about my workday. I feel like I'm literally breaking into pieces and there is nothing left of my real self and I have disappeared and been lost and all that is left is the smile.


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## Cobra Verde

I was just thinking today how I wish I could feign happiness (or at least mask sadness) at work. I can't be sure but I feel like people had noticed I was crying today. This isn't sustainable. 

It sounds like hiding it isn't much of an improvement though.


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## Dromond

Hiding the problem doesn't remove the problem. It just means nobody notices. In a way, that's worse.


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## Cobra Verde

I know it doesn't solve a thing but the stress of knowing people can see the turmoil within just makes it even worse. I don't wish to be seen as some pitiable creature.

"Could've fooled me."

Oh, fuck off.


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## loopytheone

I spent - and to a certain extent, still do spend - a lot of my time/energy hiding my issues from people and trying to appear 'normal'. 

I think there are some benefits to it, in that it is less stressful in the short term for people not to see you upset and worry/pester/stress over you. It certainly helps in work environments to make you seem more professional and it makes the situation less awkward for the people around you.

However, it does take a lot of energy to hide, energy that could be better used for other things. Not to mention that if you only try and hide the problems on the surface and never address what is making you having these feelings in the first place then you wont ever be able to heal and move forwards.


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## Green Eyed Fairy

I tend to agree with Loop. Letting people see your vulnerabilities isn't always a good thing. Some will prey upon it whilst others may judge you....even the nice ones may cast doubt later on your ability to make good decisions for yourself. 
I come from a family with mentally ill people in it....and I have found that my life is somewhat easier/smoother if I simply don't share.
Far as I notice. people have no idea of my family or my past unless I choose to tell them. It is somewhat amusing to me to some extent and it reminds me not to judge others too harshly (yes it's a reminder I sometimes need  ) because I know what it feels like. Most people don't want a pity party or to be somehow viewed as "damaged" or less capable than they may actually be.


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## Leem

I always hide it at work. It would be looked upon as very unprofessional and as a fat woman I have enough going against me. Unfortunately I now need to sometimes hide it at home. It is really hard when there is no space to just feel the sadness and move through your depressions and pain. It definitely makes it worse to have to fake especially if you have to fake it everywhere. Sometimes the safest place I feel to be me is in the car parked in the garage in the dark. 

I have been to therapy to deal with my issues. The problem of course is that sometimes you can never be fully healed and there are triggers that can send me down the dark and deep path. I now have the tools(because of the counseling) to follow the path back out but sometimes it is hard and it is never quick. 

I do agree that the question of "why am I even here" does circle around and around in my brain. Cobra and Drumond are right. It is good thing that we are still here to even ask the question.

It also helps to not feel so alone by reading this thread.


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## lille

Had a really productive talk with my counselor about my self harm. I'm not used to talking about it unload and there were a lot of tears, but it felt like it helped. But will the stress of the sat two days the thoughts are ramping up again. I don't feel unsafe, I'm just tired.


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## Cobra Verde

I'm guessing you have better news to report to your counselor this week 


Well, I guess if ever there was a night to bite the bullet and post this...

This may be the wrong place for this but I'm comfortable here and don't feel like joining a forum of strangers just for this and people in this thread at least have experience with psychological distress. Do people think it’s likely or even possible to have PTSD from a non-violent experience? I don’t want to trivialize such a serious condition that’s generally associated with combat veterans or sexual assault survivors but I’ve been reading about it and it fits me almost perfectly. From the insomnia mixed with nightmares to severe anxiety (even by my usual standards) to irritably (ditto) to flashbacks and thoughts entering my head unbidden pretty much everything fits - again, aside from the fact that it hasn’t come from something violent. I can’t elaborate on what happened but I experienced something profoundly traumatic over the summer. Time hasn’t made it better. Time and context and remembering it more clearly has made it much worse. I’m not really sure what to do. I mentioned it to my therapist - who, to be fair, had unsuccessfully tried to warn me before and then while it was happening what was really going on - but he just unhelpfully says that it’s trivial to attach a label to what I’m feeling and that depression is the major problem. That’s one perspective, I guess, but it doesn't really do anything for me right now. I’ve been depressed since I was 10. This...is something entirely different and it’s getting worse. The nightmares and panic attacks won't stop. I can have 1 (or even once 2) good days with minimal distress but on the next I’ll “catch up” and then some. I can't see a way out of this. I don’t think I could feel any more lost if I was in the middle of a desert without a compass.


----------



## Dromond

It sounds to me like you may have bipolar II disorder.


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## loopytheone

Cobra Verde said:


> I'm guessing you have better news to report to your counselor this week
> 
> 
> Well, I guess if ever there was a night to bite the bullet and post this...
> 
> This may be the wrong place for this but I'm comfortable here and don't feel like joining a forum of strangers just for this and people in this thread at least have experience with psychological distress. Do people think its likely or even possible to have PTSD from a non-violent experience? I dont want to trivialize such a serious condition thats generally associated with combat veterans or sexual assault survivors but Ive been reading about it and it fits me almost perfectly. From the insomnia mixed with nightmares to severe anxiety (even by my usual standards) to irritably (ditto) to flashbacks and thoughts entering my head unbidden pretty much everything fits - again, aside from the fact that it hasnt come from something violent. I cant elaborate on what happened but I experienced something profoundly traumatic over the summer. Time hasnt made it better. Time and context and remembering it more clearly has made it much worse. Im not really sure what to do. I mentioned it to my therapist - who, to be fair, had unsuccessfully tried to warn me before and then while it was happening what was really going on - but he just unhelpfully says that its trivial to attach a label to what Im feeling and that depression is the major problem. Thats one perspective, I guess, but it doesn't really do anything for me right now. Ive been depressed since I was 10. This...is something entirely different and its getting worse. The nightmares and panic attacks won't stop. I can have 1 (or even once 2) good days with minimal distress but on the next Ill catch up and then some. I can't see a way out of this. I dont think I could feel any more lost if I was in the middle of a desert without a compass.



You can get PTSD from a non-violent incident, yes. The things that cause PTSD are unique to the person involved; sure, experiencing violence is a common cause of PTSD but it isn't the only cause. There is also complex-PTSD which tends to present much more similarly to depression/anxiety than standard PTSD. 

As far as talking to your therapist is concerned, I would try and say to him what you have said here, about his refusal to talk about it being unhelpful for you. Perhaps it will make him speak more openly about those issues or perhaps not. Either way, I really hope you can get some relief from these feelings and symptoms soon. Sleeping pills might be a good idea if you need something to really knock you out.


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## Xyantha Reborn

Dromond said:


> It sounds to me like you may have bipolar II disorder.



Agreed.

Ptsd doesn't have to be violent. The fact that as adults many of us still have nightmares about missing exams/realizing you have an exam for a course you never ever went to is a type of non violent ptsd.

However, i agree with your therapist that labelling it is unimportant (unless you should be taking medican as part of your diagnosis). Often labelling can allow us to feel victimized even further, rather than enpowered.


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## loopytheone

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Ptsd doesn't have to be violent. The fact that as adults many of us still have nightmares about missing exams/realizing you have an exam for a course you never ever went to is a type of non violent ptsd.
> 
> However, i agree with your therapist that labelling it is unimportant (unless you should be taking medican as part of your diagnosis). *Often labelling can allow us to feel victimized even further, rather than enpowered*.



I think this is an interesting thought. People have been very reluctant to put labels on my illnesses, I assume for this reason. But for me, it had the exact opposite effect. I can't tell you how much my life improved when I realised that hey, I'm not lazy and broken and unfixable, I'm _autistic_ and there are people out there like me. There are things I can do to help myself that I would never have thought of before being told that I belong to that group. That my symptoms are normal and manageable and that these things aren't my fault or because I'm a bad person. 

I think it depends on the person whether labels are helpful or not, but I do think it is very irresponsible of a therapist not to even discuss these things with their patient and just decide on their behalf that labels wont be helpful for them. 

Not to mention, it's kinda the same thing as regularly seeing a doctor, then suddenly starting vomitting blood every day and the doctor saying 'well, maybe it is better not to label these things =)' and just ignoring it. If it sounds ridiculous for a physical illness, it is just as ridiculous for a mental illness too, in my opinion.


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## Leem

PTSD can definitely be caused by things other than violence and can be as long lasting and as deep as if it were caused by violence. 

As for identifying a diagnosis, I do think it depends upon who you are. I personally would want to know because then I can begin to address it better and can do my own research as well as come to terms with the problem. I am probably abnormal in this feeling, I have come to realize many people prefer the head in the sand option. 

I would suggest addressing this in a direct way with your therapist, it may help you to feel a little more in control and actually help you in the process of therapy. Let him/her know that identification is important to you(if it is important to you, people tell me that ignorance really can be bliss for them)

I know how hard depression is to combat, one of the things that helps me is to take a half hour to hour walk to alleviate the depression even if it is for only a short while, and as I walk I refuse to think about myself instead I focus on the nature around me, or even my breathing. I know it sounds simplistic and may not work for everyone. Since I am extremely overweight I don't cover a lot of ground or rough terrain but it does help. I have also found that walking in a park with nature is way more helpful than just in my neighborhood. Feel better.


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## Cobra Verde

Thanks for the replies.  It's comforting to know I wasn't being dramatic in considering PTSD.

I don't know if bipolar II fits since this is a recent phenomenon and I don't feel any kind of mania/hypomania, my highs are just regular happiness. Though the lows are definitely as low as people with bipolar have described them.

I agree with both sides of naming my problem. On the one hand it doesn't seem like it would necessarily change anything and the underlying issues are the entire, well, issue. It doesn't seem like treatment would be that different. OTOH* at least knowing what's going on could help me process it better mentally and as Leem said I would know better what to search for in terms of research/reading materials. The one thing I'm certain of after typing this out and reading feedback is I'm far too passive in therapy, which is ridiculous.




*15 years of message-boarding and this was my first OTOH. It's important to continue growing as an individual.


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## Dromond

Cobra Verde said:


> Thanks for the replies.  It's comforting to know I wasn't being dramatic in considering PTSD.
> 
> I don't know if bipolar II fits since this is a recent phenomenon and *I don't feel any kind of mania/hypomania, my highs are just regular happiness. Though the lows are definitely as low as people with bipolar have described them.**snipped*



You've just described bipolar II. The difference from the "normal" bipolar disorder is that there is no mania. The "highs" are just regular happiness. I know, that's my diagnosis and my moods run exactly like yours.


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## lille

As a licensed mental health professional it would be highly unethical to attempt to diagnose you based off of your posts on a message board so I'm not gonna touch that with a ten foot pole. 

I will say that people can be traumatized by nonviolent events. I do urge you to have a conversation with your therapist about how you feel about being able to label the event possibly being helpful. I am a big believer in the power of language and how we identify a problem hugely affects how we interact with it. Also I personally would have a slightly different treatment approach with someone who purely has depression than I would with someone who also has PTSD.


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## lille

Dromond said:


> You've just described bipolar II. The difference from the "normal" bipolar disorder is that there is no mania. The "highs" are just regular happiness. I know, that's my diagnosis and my moods run exactly like yours.




This is untrue, if no mania or hypomania is present than it cannot be bipolar. The highs of bipolar II are not just regular happiness or else they would not be called hypomania. They are not as high as a full blown manic episode but there are distinct criteria that have to be met. Per the DSM-5 the differences are that a manic episode must last a week while a hypomanic episode must only last 4 days, and that while a manic episode must cause a marked impairment in social or occupational functioning a hypomanic episode must be an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic from when the individual is insumptomatic but is not severe enough to cause a marked impairment in functioning.


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## Xyantha Reborn

True Loopy!

I have been diagnosed with SAD, and realizing that I would have seasonal inability to coherently speak, that every winter I would suffer from exhaustion, and that my patience would be hair thin during that time was important for me to realize, and to cope.

As an adult I can tell people - look, I am going into my SAD time so I am going to be a bit tired and not want to go out as much. Or my hubby can understand why seemingly out of nowhere I have a little fit of frustration over simply being unable to articulate a simple sentence (it sometimes gets so bad I will just say 'thing' and mime what I want. He has come to realize on those days I have physically exhausted my fountain of functionality, and am reduced to saying 'thing please' and miming spooning something into my mouth because my brain can't provide the word 'spoon')

What I meant is that sometimes we are eager to self diagnose at the expense of our improvements. In the case cobra described, it sounded as if his therapist was trying to say depression is the core issue, and that everything else is symptomatic, and to focus on that issue first.

Using your example of health to mental health - my grandma refused to believe she had diabetes, and treated her sugar lows with sugar. By treating the symptoms, she caused a bigger health issue. By focusing on the core issue she would not have had as many sugar highs and lows, and therefore would not need to have medicated the symptoms to that degree.

It does sound like a more active role in the sessions might help Cobra. Understanding why your therapist thinks it is/is not important is key. Also, your therapist can often only give you tools/coping mechanisms/bettering behaviours, rather than focusing on the myriad of different symptoms they are presented with. The therapist can't go back in time and fix issues, they can only try to improve self awareness, positive thoughts, and give coping strategies. Hope it improves for you soon


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## dwesterny

Self-diagnosis is often a form of masturbation. People tend to deflect the area they need to treat by picking something else when they are often not anywhere near the real criteria and not part of the right demographic. They pick what they want to have for a myriad of reasons, I deal with it on a regular basis.


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## loopytheone

dwesterny said:


> Self-diagnosis is often a form of masturbation. People tend to deflect the area they need to treat by picking something else when they are often not anywhere near the real criteria and not part of the right demographic. They pick what they want to have for a myriad of reasons, I deal with it on a regular basis.



I don't agree with this. 

There are a lot of reasons why a person might not be able to get an official diagnosis, especially in places where you have to pay for your own medical care. Access to professionals who are experts in the area of your specific illness can also be very difficult to find. That doesn't mean people can't benefit from being part of a community of people that they feel understands them or from learning techniques for managing their symptoms from that community. 

You have to bear in mind as well, your judgments on people are based on a passing view of their behaviour and words. Their judgments of themselves are based on their thoughts and feelings, neither of which you have access to. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I've had people refuse to believe me about my anxiety and depression just they don't 'see' it. Just because you don't see the symptoms you think you should do doesn't mean that they dont exist (or that you necessarily know what the actual symptoms are of how they look from a 3rd party perspective). 

Technically, I am still a self-diagnosed autistic because the waiting list for an official diagnosis is over three years long. I've been told by two different psychiatrists that although they know I am autistic and treat me as such, they think an official diagnosis would negatively impact my ability to find work etc so I've had to fight like hell just to get on that waiting list. Not to mention that they wouldn't even have noticed my autism if I hadn't mentioned to them first that a lot of my autistic friends said I seem like them. I saw professional psychotherapists for over 10 years without a single one of them noticing that their methods didn't work on me because I'm autistic, not because I'm not trying or are 'beyond help'. If it hadn't been for me 'self-diagnosing' myself enough to bring it up with them, they likely would still be treating me as neurotypical and continuing to make me worse and worse. The improvement I've made since them realising I'm autistic has been more dramatic than in the 20+ years preceding that.


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## Leem

Today when I felt the sun on my face, my soul warmed a bit. 

Thank you to everyone who sent messages of support it really helped me to not feel so alone.


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## x0emnem0x

Honestly, I've been hating myself so much recently and I'm trying so many different things to stop doing that...

All I do lately is drink and loathe. Self loathing, mostly. I get in these weird moods. I love myself a lot of different ways and different times, I know eventually be okay, but I'm not right now. 

I'm starting to not hate my job, so I don't know what else it is. I've been going to the gym to attempt to combat the depression, as that's something that is suggested and I know first hand works, but the depressing thoughts always come back. 

I ran out of my depression and anxiety medication, and I've not noticed much of a change from the usual emotions and feelings I have. I'm debating if the medicine is even worth it anymore. Really not sure what to do or think. 

I feel like no one understands how I feel even though I know some people do... but I feel alone. I just don't know. I really don't. I just don't want to be here anymore. This shit is exhausting...


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## loopytheone

x0emnem0x said:


> Honestly, I've been hating myself so much recently and I'm trying so many different things to stop doing that...
> 
> All I do lately is drink and loathe. Self loathing, mostly. I get in these weird moods. I love myself a lot of different ways and different times, I know eventually be okay, but I'm not right now.
> 
> I'm starting to not hate my job, so I don't know what else it is. I've been going to the gym to attempt to combat the depression, as that's something that is suggested and I know first hand works, but the depressing thoughts always come back.
> 
> I ran out of my depression and anxiety medication, and I've not noticed much of a change from the usual emotions and feelings I have. I'm debating if the medicine is even worth it anymore. Really not sure what to do or think.
> 
> I feel like no one understands how I feel even though I know some people do... but I feel alone. I just don't know. I really don't. I just don't want to be here anymore. This shit is exhausting...



If you don't mind me asking, how much of the antidepressants were you on? Like, what dose/medication? Because for most of them you shouldn't be able to just stop taking them and not having any side effects, which makes me think that the dose might have been too low for you. Low/moderate doses of antidepressants do absolutely nothing for me and I always need the maximum amount for it to have any effect, but then... well, being on my meds allows me to live life and fight my depression in a way that just isn't possible when I'm off them.


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## x0emnem0x

I started on the 20mg but then when I spoke to my doctor and told her that it didn't seem to be doing much and that I saw room for improvement, I moved up to 40 mg... and I have been off of them for about 3 days. I haven't noticed any side effects really other that my moodswings but I usually have those anyway... I'm not sure if I have bipolar disorder or if it's from the birth control I am taking that mess with my hormones as well. It's hard to tell.


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## loopytheone

x0emnem0x said:


> I started on the 20mg but then when I spoke to my doctor and told her that it didn't seem to be doing much and that I saw room for improvement, I moved up to 40 mg... and I have been off of them for about 3 days. I haven't noticed any side effects really other that my moodswings but I usually have those anyway... I'm not sure if I have bipolar disorder or if it's from the birth control I am taking that mess with my hormones as well. It's hard to tell.



Are you on citalopram? How long have you been taking the higher dose for before coming off them? ....I sound like I'm holding an interrogation, I'm so sorry! It's just that I've had really similar issues to you and managed to find a way to get things stabilised so I would love to be able to help you too. 

Birth control pills are an absolute no-no for me. They mess up my hormones and make me super depressed and anxious and mood-swingy, even on my antidepressants. Is there a non-hormonal form of birth control you could try?


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## x0emnem0x

loopytheone said:


> Are you on citalopram? How long have you been taking the higher dose for before coming off them? ....I sound like I'm holding an interrogation, I'm so sorry! It's just that I've had really similar issues to you and managed to find a way to get things stabilised so I would love to be able to help you too.
> 
> Birth control pills are an absolute no-no for me. They mess up my hormones and make me super depressed and anxious and mood-swingy, even on my antidepressants. Is there a non-hormonal form of birth control you could try?



I'm not sure, I don't think so but I haven't really checked into it because my brain does so many things in different ways that I have no idea what's going on with me half the time. I know generally with or without the BC I get really moodswingy and hormonal before the week of my period, but other than that the bipolarness happens a lot. I was taking Fluoxetine. I was taking the higher dose probably since around May...


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## Xyantha Reborn

BC makes me INSANE. Like, violent, unpredictable mood swings and rage. I would be brilliantly happy one moment, become utterly angry, then burst into tears within the hour. Also, it was totally effective for birth control because I wanted no one to touch me, ever. Then I would cry because no one wanted me, even though I was the one saying no. I know other women who have come off of it say they see a difference too (not advocating, just commenting that as loops said - it may be a factor). 

Beyond medication, which I cannot comment on...Do you have things to keep your mind and hands busy?

I don't suffer from typical depression in terms of sadness - it is more of a constant frustration and internal restless emotion. I remember one doctor told me in an appalled way (which actually had more sticker shock than a politically correct therapist) that I sounded like an abusive person...to myself. I have been told it was because there was no room for tears in my childhood home - you either cried and caught more of the same or you got mad/determined and figured a way out of the situation. But my mental self has a lot of unreasonable expectations and self condemnation for perceived failures. People's eyes bug out when they see how busy I am, but it gives me pleasures, outlets, and it keeps me too busy to bother with that inner voice. Often I have to multitask to get pleasure - I will write AND watch netflix. I will be role playing in a game AND creating a dog leash with my hands. I will be working AND listening to music. 

That isn't to say I can never be still (hears husband howl with laughter in her head) but it keeps me busy and content. For me, I find the world seems to be split into receiving information passively, and physically working. I need a constant combination of both mental and physical (or auditory) stimulation, or else the lack just hits this button that creates frustration and negative feelings - and they spin until I am utterly exhausted. If I keep my mental and physical self occupied to some degree that voice simply turns off.


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## Jack Secret

I've tried so many medications through the years I've absolutely had no luck with anything except for what I take for anxiety (BuSpar). I've had to deal with depression Most of my adult life. When I became paralyzed 10 years ago my problems with depression ramped up a pretty good bit As you can imagine. I'm at the point now that I am scared and depressed because there isn't anything out there that is going to help me.

I don't know how keen folks would be about posting medications they had taken in the past and whether they work or not. It would be real helpful, but maybe not a good idea to post publicly.

Anybody got any thoughts on talking about medications. What would be the best way to communicate it to another user? Maybe we should just try sending a private email or private message via the board?


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## loopytheone

Jack Secret said:


> I've tried so many medications through the years I've absolutely had no luck with anything except for what I take for anxiety (BuSpar). I've had to deal with depression Most of my adult life. When I became paralyzed 10 years ago my problems with depression ramped up a pretty good bit As you can imagine. I'm at the point now that I am scared and depressed because there isn't anything out there that is going to help me.
> 
> I don't know how keen folks would be about posting medications they had taken in the past and whether they work or not. It would be real helpful, but maybe not a good idea to post publicly.
> 
> Anybody got any thoughts on talking about medications. What would be the best way to communicate it to another user? Maybe we should just try sending a private email or private message via the board?



I have absolutely no problem talking publicly about the medications I've taken for my depression.



Citalopram: Worked fantastic for the first five years or so before gradually losing it's effectiveness.


Sertraline: Worked fine for the depression itself, but the side effects meant I couldn't sleep and being exhausted all the time obviously made me feel worse.


Fluxotine: What I am on now. Feels quite a lot different to the other two. Isn't as good at controlling my mood swings as the other two (less emotional dampening, I guess?) or my anxiety but is good enough for me to be able to keep my head above water.

For me personally, SSRIs are all I can take as SNRIs make me very ill (last time I took any I thought I was dying/my brain was shutting down). But a lot of people find SNRIs to be more helpful, I think it depends on your specific brain chemistry. I also needed the maximum dose of all these medications; anything less has either no effect, or a sort of partial effect of making me fine some of the time and cripplingly depressed at other times.

My stomach issues make a difference to. An upset stomach = not digesting tablets well. So that is something to bear in mind if you suffer from stomach issues at all.


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## x0emnem0x

I hate myself.

That is all.


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## Jack Secret

loopytheone said:


> I have absolutely no problem talking publicly about the medications I've taken for my depression.
> 
> 
> 
> Citalopram: Worked fantastic for the first five years or so before gradually losing it's effectiveness.
> 
> 
> Sertraline: Worked fine for the depression itself, but the side effects meant I couldn't sleep and being exhausted all the time obviously made me feel worse.
> 
> 
> Fluxotine: What I am on now. Feels quite a lot different to the other two. Isn't as good at controlling my mood swings as the other two (less emotional dampening, I guess?) or my anxiety but is good enough for me to be able to keep my head above water.
> 
> For me personally, SSRIs are all I can take as SNRIs make me very ill (last time I took any I thought I was dying/my brain was shutting down). But a lot of people find SNRIs to be more helpful, I think it depends on your specific brain chemistry. I also needed the maximum dose of all these medications; anything less has either no effect, or a sort of partial effect of making me fine some of the time and cripplingly depressed at other times.
> 
> My stomach issues make a difference to. An upset stomach = not digesting tablets well. So that is something to bear in mind if you suffer from stomach issues at all.



I tried all of those except for Citalopram. I've done Wellbutrin, Paxil, I'm sure there are 10 others before those. I've also taken a few medications that were also for peripheral neuropathy that are also supposed to be good for depression. No diceNone of these of ever helped. Currently I'm taking Pristiq. I'll be ending that prescription in January. Sadly, the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better during the day is a narcotic I've been taking for my neuropathy. Obviously that's not really helping my depression in a positive way, but it does wonders for my feet. Nobody ever told me that becoming paralyzed would be painful!

Thanks for sharing.


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## Tracii

I feel really bad for all of you that suffer from depression and bi polar disorder.
Growing up I never knew anyone that suffered from it like you see now so I wonder why all of a sudden everybody seems to deal with it.


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## lille

Tracii said:


> I feel really bad for all of you that suffer from depression and bi polar disorder.
> Growing up I never knew anyone that suffered from it like you see now so I wonder why all of a sudden everybody seems to deal with it.



It's recognized more often now and it's more socially acceptable to talk about.


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## Dromond

I talk about my mental issues here because of a certain level of anonymity. In every day life, I hide much more than I show. Most people who know me on a casual basis would not suspect I'm a cage full of squirrels.


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## loopytheone

Tracii said:


> I feel really bad for all of you that suffer from depression and bi polar disorder.
> Growing up I never knew anyone that suffered from it like you see now so I wonder why all of a sudden everybody seems to deal with it.



I agree with what the others said, it isn't more common, it is just more talked about. People know more about it so more people are getting diagnosed/helped rather than ignored, there is less of a stigma associated with it so people are more inclined to talk about it, and the internet gives anonymity which makes people much more likely to talk about personal issues.

I believe in the past, the only people who would get diagnosed/helped were those who were unable to work/live independently like myself. Before that, people who could lead 'normal' lives were just left to deal with their problems on their own with no help. Like, if you imagine only taking painkillers when you have a migraine, compared to taking painkillers whenever you have a headache. You might be able to function reasonably well with a headache, but you do even better when have no headache, right? The same thing is true for mental illness.

Also, I agree with Dromond. The internet is a place where a lot of us feel free to talk about issues we don't talk about in real life. Most of my friends/family know that I have anxiety/depression/autism because let's face it, I'm 26 years old, unable to live completely independently or work or maintain friendships; it's pretty obvious there is something 'wrong' with me. But do I talk about the details of it to them? Nope, not really. I'm not ashamed of anything but talking about my health isn't really something I do on a regular basis, mental or physical, in person.



Jack Secret said:


> I tried all of those except for Citalopram. I've done Wellbutrin, Paxil,… I'm sure there are 10 others before those. I've also taken a few medications that were also for peripheral neuropathy that are also supposed to be good for depression. No dice…None of these of ever helped. Currently I'm taking Pristiq. I'll be ending that prescription in January. Sadly, the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better during the day is a narcotic I've been taking for my neuropathy. Obviously that's not really helping my depression in a positive way, but it does wonders for my feet. Nobody ever told me that becoming paralyzed would be painful!
> 
> Thanks for sharing.



Do you know what classifications the meds you have tried belong to? Like, SSRIs, SNRIs, etc? There are a few different types of medication and if you've tried a couple of medications from a certain family without any success, I'd say you would do better to try a different type of medication. And you're absolutely welcome.


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## lille

Dromond said:


> I talk about my mental issues here because of a certain level of anonymity. In every day life, I hide much more than I show. Most people who know me on a casual basis would not suspect I'm a cage full of squirrels.




Yup. At the peak of my depression, right around the time of my suicide attempt we did an exercise in class where everyone completed someone else. My classmate complimented me on the fact that I was always cheery and smiling. My own parents had no idea anything was wrong until a classmate told a teacher about my self harm.


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## Leem

So often people are judgmental about depression and other mental illnesses, frequently people just feel that if we just did a little more something like smiling, or being positive etc that we could simply self heal, we tend to be blamed for something we cannot change, these types of attitudes make dealing with depression and other mental illnesses difficult In the real world. I myself rarely ever mention my mental distress, which isn't always healthy but does cover up my problems to the outside world. On the internet I can be free to discuss my issues without dealing with society's judgement in my face every day. 

I do feel that there is more diagnoses and recognition of mental illness but there is still judgement as well. I think that this is changing for young people.

I also think that many times phrases like "I'm depressed" or I have even heard people saying "I'm feeling a little bipolar today" are sometimes throwaway phrases, said in passing or at times in jest without really having a true understanding or diagnosis of mental health issues.

Sorry I seem to be rambling a bit, but in closing, I do think that people are more aware and self aware about mental health issues than they were back in the day.


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## loopytheone

lille said:


> Yup. At the peak of my depression, right around the time of my suicide attempt we did an exercise in class where everyone completed someone else. My classmate complimented me on the fact that I was always cheery and smiling. My own parents had no idea anything was wrong until a classmate told a teacher about my self harm.



This sounds so much like me, it is painful. I remember at 15, when I was so deeply depressed I started experiencing genuine psychotic symptoms as well as the neurotic ones, my 'best friend' made a comment in class about how happy and confident I always was, as though it was a fact. 

Even to this day, I get complimented on my 'confidence' and I've had people respond to finding out about my anxiety disorder by laughing in my face and not believing I have anxiety at all, which hurts so much. I mean, my anxiety is the reason I can't live a 'normal' life and work a job and be productive and successful.


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## Tad

This almost seems to be a fairly common trait expression of anxiety?

My wife has levels of anxiety (including social anxiety) that have limited her life choices substantially, and which comes into play with how she deals with the world not quite daily anymore but certainly more days than not. But to anyone who does not know her extremely well she seems very outgoing, confident, and people tend to treat her as a confidante because of how strong and together she always projects as being. It puzzled me for a long time, but discussion over the years here (come for the fat, stay for the education!) have helped me realize that is actually pretty common? Almost an over-correction or not wanting others to worry or something?

(PS: she has steadfastly refused to talk to a professional about anxiety or depression over the years, despite acknowledging that she suffers from them, so I don't have the benefit of feedback from that side of things).

ETA: This was by way of saying thank you to all of you who share here -- there is a lot that a lot of us can learn, whether or not personally dealing with these issues. And I'll pull back to observer status again, having said my bit.


----------



## lille

loopytheone said:


> This sounds so much like me, it is painful. I remember at 15, when I was so deeply depressed I started experiencing genuine psychotic symptoms as well as the neurotic ones, my 'best friend' made a comment in class about how happy and confident I always was, as though it was a fact.



I never talk about it but I had psychosis with my depresaipn when I was around 15 as well. I'd hear people, men, walking around and talking when I was home alone.


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## loopytheone

lille said:


> I never talk about it but I had psychosis with my depresaipn when I was around 15 as well. I'd hear people, men, walking around and talking when I was home alone.



Thank you for sharing that, it is nice to know I'm not the only one.

For me, I became convinced that other people in the world weren't real, that it was all some sort of elaborate computer simulation or dream or something and I did some awful things to 'prove' to myself that other people were just data and not beings like myself. 

Thankfully that lifted when I started taking my medication.


----------



## Dromond

loopytheone said:


> Thank you for sharing that, it is nice to know I'm not the only one.
> 
> For me,* I became convinced that other people in the world weren't real, that it was all some sort of elaborate computer simulation or dream or something* and I did some awful things to 'prove' to myself that other people were just data and not beings like myself.
> 
> Thankfully that lifted when I started taking my medication.



The highlighted text describes the philosophy of solipsism, the idea that there is nothing real outside the self. Can you imagine thinking that way by choice?


----------



## Cobra Verde

Endless love and gratitude to people who were kind to me in this thread a couple months ago when I was going through hell, even though some had previously been immune to my, uh, "charms" (imagine that!)

I'm every bit as here for you as you were for me.


----------



## lille

I am having all the frustration and self loathing tonight. I'm not going to do anything but I've got a stream of thoughts about self harm and suicide. It's one of those nights where I wish I could just hit a pause button and not have to live my life for a while.


----------



## lille

I'm doing much better today. No more sitting and thinking about which of our guns are loaded.


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## dwesterny

lille said:


> I'm doing much better today. No more sitting and thinking about which of our guns are loaded.



I'm glad you feel better. If you have thoughts of suicide at times wouldn't it be a good idea to get rid of the guns?


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## lille

dwesterny said:


> I'm glad you feel better. If you have thoughts of suicide at times wouldn't it be a good idea to get rid of the guns?




They're my fiancé's and they're in our safe, so they're not out. I do know the code to the safe. I do have thoughts but it's never gotten to the point where I've actually gone over to the safe or anything. The other day was the first time I really thought about the guns, usually the thoughts are about cutting or overdosing. If I felt like the the thoughts were bad enough that I might act on them I would let him know and he could change the code on the safe.


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## dwesterny

lille said:


> They're my fiancé's and they're in our safe, so they're not out. I do know the code to the safe. I do have thoughts but it's never gotten to the point where I've actually gone over to the safe or anything. The other day was the first time I really thought about the guns, usually the thoughts are about cutting or overdosing. If I felt like the the thoughts were bad enough that I might act on them I would let him know and he could change the code on the safe.



I don't understand the idea of counting on telling him to change the code if you're feeling that way. That doesn't make sense, also you should know the statistics about guns and suicide. They're easy to use and there is no way stop mid-attempt which is why the mortality rate in gun attempts is significantly higher than other methods. 

If you have suicidal thoughts you shouldn't have firearms in your home.


----------



## lille

dwesterny said:


> I don't understand the idea of counting on telling him to change the code if you're feeling that way. That doesn't make sense, also you should know the statistics about guns and suicide. They're easy to use and there is no way stop mid-attempt which is why the mortality rate in gun attempts is significantly higher than other methods.
> 
> If you have suicidal thoughts you shouldn't have firearms in your home.




I do know the statistic, I work in suicide prevention. However, I also know myself. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for 12 years. Usually they're intrusive with zero intent behind them. The other day there was no intent behind the thoughts even though they were detailed. Also, if we got the guns out of her apartment they would have to go to his parents and his dad has actually held a gun to his head in the backyard and my fiancé had to take it from him in the middle of a giant police standoff.

Edit to add: The thoughts come but there hasn't been intent behind them in years.

Yes, my chronic/lifetime risk for suicide is high because I am white, a female in helping profession, I have a trauma history, I have a history of engaging in nonsuicidal self injury by cutting, and I do you have a history of one suicide attempt. The other night my acute risk for suicide was high, however I was able to engage in coping skills that brought my acute risk down to moderate.


----------



## Cobra Verde

I'm glad you're feeling better. Does it make it easier to reach out for help working in the mental health field? For me I think it might be more difficult if I had to do so with people I already know, but I hope you're not as neurotic.


----------



## lille

I would never call the crisis line that I work for but I do have a wonderful therapist I am very comfortable with. I see her tomorrow.


----------



## lille

Had a fabulous session with my therapist and did a lot of process around my thoughts the other day. I've got direction on how to improve communication with my fiancé about the thoughts. Now we start tackling the sex stuff :/


----------



## Dromond

Because of an insurance SNAFU, I've gone two weeks without seeing my counselor. This is not good. :really sad:


----------



## lille

Dromond said:


> Because of an insurance SNAFU, I've gone two weeks without seeing my counselor. This is not good. :really sad:




That's no good! I hope they sort it out ASAP.


----------



## lille

Tonight was a rough night, I got very little sleep the night before, my fiancé's parents made a lot of irritating comments, particularly about the wedding, and when I got home I was just feeling like shit. I feel a little bit better but my anxiety is still super high and I'm keeping intrusive thoughts about cutting at bay. My fiancé goes on a business trip tomorrow and will be gone overnight and I'm a little worried I'm going to spiral. Not worried I'm going to hurt myself, more worried I'll be a sobbing pile.


----------



## Cobra Verde

lille said:


> Tonight was a rough night, I got very little sleep the night before, my fiancé's parents made a lot of irritating comments, particularly about the wedding, and when I got home I was just feeling like shit. I feel a little bit better but my anxiety is still super high and I'm keeping intrusive thoughts about cutting at bay. My fiancé goes on a business trip tomorrow and will be gone overnight and I'm a little worried I'm going to spiral. Not worried I'm going to hurt myself, more worried I'll be a sobbing pile.


Probably a little late but can you make plans to be around people, either going out or over the phone? When I know I'm going to feel bad that is really helpful for me even though my instinct is to withdraw.


----------



## lille

Cobra Verde said:


> Probably a little late but can you make plans to be around people, either going out or over the phone? When I know I'm going to feel bad that is really helpful for me even though my instinct is to withdraw.




I work weird hours so I isn't get home till 9pm. I texted a friend and distracted myself with a movie. I have to sleep soon and the empty bed is the worst part. I don't k ow whether I want to have the dog in the bed or the stuffed animal my fiancé gave me. I can't have both because Archer will eat my stuffed animal.


----------



## Leem

I hope you are doing better Lille. Hopefully your pup kept you company.


----------



## Cobra Verde

I second this motion.





Dromond said:


> Because of an insurance SNAFU, I've gone two weeks without seeing my counselor. This is not good. :really sad:


I belatedly hope you got this sorted out. I'm seeing my psychopharmacologist for the first time in months (I'm starting to think my decision-making process is questionable) on Friday and the wait is interminable. I had Xmases as a kid that were easier to make it to...


----------



## lille

Archer was a good little cuddle bug and I found a sleep meditation to listen to and got ok sleep. Thank you for your concern everyone.


----------



## ODFFA

Sunday was the closest I'd come to feeling suicidal in months. (I realise I'm exceptionally fortunate in saying this: ) When I say suicidal, all I really mean is that I was wishing for it to end, not making any actual plans. There are several reasons why I'm still a far cry from ever actually doing anything...

I'm better for the time being. Quite a bit better. And, although I'm not in love with the idea of taking an Uber by myself at night, I _am _going back to Al-Anon even if it comes to that.


----------



## loopytheone

ODFFA said:


> Sunday was the closest I'd come to feeling suicidal in months. (I realise I'm exceptionally fortunate in saying this: ) When I say suicidal, all I really mean is that I was wishing for it to end, not making any actual plans. There are several reasons why I'm still a far cry from ever actually doing anything...
> 
> I'm better for the time being. Quite a bit better. And, although I'm not in love with the idea of taking an Uber by myself at night, I _am _going back to Al-Anon even if it comes to that.



I'm glad you got through those thoughts and are feeling calmer and stronger now. I'm sure you can achieve anything you put your mind to.


----------



## Cobra Verde

ODFFA said:


> Sunday was the closest I'd come to feeling suicidal in months. (I realise I'm exceptionally fortunate in saying this: ) When I say suicidal, all I really mean is that I was wishing for it to end, not making any actual plans. There are several reasons why I'm still a far cry from ever actually doing anything...
> 
> I'm better for the time being. Quite a bit better. And, although I'm not in love with the idea of taking an Uber by myself at night, I _am _going back to Al-Anon even if it comes to that.


That's awful. I'm glad things are better for the moment. I suppose I'm lucky that I haven't had to deal with family substance issues since I was in my early-teens. Not that it didn't leave a mark, but I can't imagine dealing with it as an adult along with my other issues. You're strong for being able to bear it for so long.
I hope things remain better.


----------



## Pattie Vincent

I hope you get pass through it. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with depression as well and I really hope that she gets better too. She's looking for doctors online that can help her. Do you guys have any suggestion about where should my friend be going?

Anyway, you have our support and we'll surely pray for you! Keep fighting!


----------



## Cobra Verde

If they have a primary care doctor I think that would be helpful for getting a referral since doctors often see people dealing with mental difficulties and have worked together with psychologists in treating patients.


----------



## Cobra Verde

Possibly unwelcome levity but like tonight, whenever this is the latest thread in this forum it just reads "I Am Struggling With..." on the main board and this article always makes my mind finish that sentence with "A Gorilla":

https://local.theonion.com/man-dies-after-secret-4-year-battle-with-gorilla-1819571099


As far as metaphors for depression go, "After all, that gorilla is still in their basement” is pretty apt in my experience.


----------



## lille

Pattie Vincent said:


> I hope you get pass through it. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with depression as well and I really hope that she gets better too. She's looking for doctors online that can help her. Do you guys have any suggestion about where should my friend be going?
> 
> Anyway, you have our support and we'll surely pray for you! Keep fighting!




www.psychologytoday.com has a "find a therapist" page where you can sort by what insurance they take, specialty, etc.


----------



## ODFFA

Feeling intensely suicidal. There are still several reasons why I wouldn't act on anything. But _Jesus, _I wish I could. I've never wanted so badly to stop existing.

Bad day at work, horrendous evening at home. And so the cycle goes. I would give almost anything for some respite, in whatever form.


----------



## rellis10

ODFFA said:


> Feeling intensely suicidal. There are still several reasons why I wouldn't act on anything. But _Jesus, _I wish I could. I've never wanted so badly to stop existing.
> 
> Bad day at work, horrendous evening at home. And so the cycle goes. I would give almost anything for some respite, in whatever form.



Stay with us, Odette. 

I know things have been terrible for you recently and I can't blame you for seeing an escape, but stay with us. The joy and grace you can to the world is irreplaceable and it will bring you the same happiness soon. 

I've felt what a truly unique and wonderful person you are and the world would be a poorer place without you in it. 

If you ever feel like you need an understanding ear, you know I am still here to talk to.


----------



## loopytheone

ODFFA said:


> Feeling intensely suicidal. There are still several reasons why I wouldn't act on anything. But _Jesus, _I wish I could. I've never wanted so badly to stop existing.
> 
> Bad day at work, horrendous evening at home. And so the cycle goes. I would give almost anything for some respite, in whatever form.



I'm glad there are reasons why you wouldn't act on it because the world would be a darker place without you. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this though, nobody deserves to go through that sort of suffering, especially not you. 

I'm also here if you need to talk to somebody.


----------



## swamptoad

certainly worth skimming over:

http://www.eatthis.com/instant-happiness-foods/


I've struggled with depression too. But I have found that what I eat or avoid eating makes quite a difference.


----------



## rellis10

I've been having a lot of thought recently that I'm on verge (if not already tipped over the edge) of sliding into another depression.

Work stress has been really hard on me for a while now and I'm in a place where mistakes and errors are just brought up constantly and bashed over your head until you're out cold. A couple of big issues are just weighing heavily on me and draining me on a daily basis.

I'm reminded a lot that I'm doing a good job, getting great feedback... But the actual evidence says otherwise. For reasons I can't go into, I feel set up for failure and was dealt a losing hand since I joined the company. 

On top of that I'm worried about an upcoming consultation at hospital. I might (I suspect probably do) have sleep apnea. If it's confirmed I'll be able to wrap up alot of symptoms in a neat little parcel but it also means it's just another thing to worry about. Honestly I just feel like I'm broken at the moment.

Add various other personal foibles and my mind isn't coping well. I know it's nothing compared to some people but I'm struggling to keep all my ducks in a row right now.


----------



## Marlayna

swamptoad said:


> certainly worth skimming over:
> 
> http://www.eatthis.com/instant-happiness-foods/
> 
> 
> I've struggled with depression too. But I have found that what I eat or avoid eating makes quite a difference.


This is quite true.:bow:


----------



## Ohio Lady

Just came across this thread. I've struggled with depression too (more so after my dad passed away).. Going through a divorce in 1996 didn't help at all because I turned to drinking as a solution, which only created a bigger problem. Sometimes we try anything that we think will help us with those problems, eventually we find out they make the problem worse (which I found out faster than some do). I ended up in counseling for the problem and today it's a whole lot better than ever before. I struggle mostly now from what they call seasonal depression, the counselor told me this happens when you seem to have no place to go home to for the holidays and most family members are gone. I was told to get around positive people, listen to music that would encourage and not discourage me, when feeling empty to turn to someone who would listen and be there.. today I have a wonderful friend who stepped into my life who I call, sometimes I go over and pick her up and we hang out and talk and it sure does help, now in return I am there for her since she just lost her husband in August of this year. Talking to someone who has gone through things and knows where you are coming from sure helps, it's not only the counselors. Try hard to stay away from things that are depressing, find ways to help others is what I do and it's certainly helped me a lot..most of all find you a support team even if it is only one person who can help you through the really rough days.. Cry if you must to empty the bad feelings and be open and honest about how you truly feel with the person or team you have, chances are they have been there and can help you.


----------



## Cobra Verde

rellis10 said:


> On top of that I'm worried about an upcoming consultation at hospital. I might (I suspect probably do) have sleep apnea. If it's confirmed I'll be able to wrap up alot of symptoms in a neat little parcel but it also means it's just another thing to worry about. Honestly I just feel like I'm broken at the moment.


I went through the same thing a couple years ago with sleep apnea. Everything from the consultation to the test to dealing with my insurance to physically going and acquiring a CPAP machine to the first month of using it was overwhelmingly stressful. It ended up being one of the best things I ever did, though. It began to change me within mere weeks. If you do have apnea then knowing and getting it treated will be a great thing for you, physically and mentally, and will help you feel less depressed. It turns out sleeping properly is kind of important for the brain to function normally. Go fig.


----------



## ScreamingChicken

I finally sought treatment for depression and anxiety over the past few months. Probably one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I am in a much better place with much fewer toxic people in my life as a result.


----------



## Jack Secret

Care to share what kind of treatments helped you? I'm one of those people that are looking for help and tried everything from counseling to medication… For decades. Never really found anything that helped.


----------



## ScreamingChicken

Jack Secret said:


> Care to share what kind of treatments helped you? I'm one of those people that are looking for help and tried everything from counseling to medication For decades. Never really found anything that helped.



Speaking to a therapist along with medication and severing some toxic people (parents. my soon to be ex wife and an ex GF) out of my life altogether.


----------



## ODFFA

loopytheone said:


> I'm glad there are reasons why you wouldn't act on it because the world would be a darker place without you. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this though, nobody deserves to go through that sort of suffering, especially not you.
> 
> I'm also here if you need to talk to somebody.



I couldn't rep you, so I'll just say here... a ridiculously belated thank you for this <3 I don't want it to feel like I'm taking advantage, so I'll message you sometime soon when I'm in a better place than I'm in right this moment. You're lovely and I miss our conversations. I don't want that to be lost in my venting


----------



## lille

I don't k ow why but I completely crashed today. I feel like shit. My fiancé is sick and in bed so I can't trine to him and I can't reach out to my therapist because I just found out through Facebook through mutual friends that someone she knows through burlesque (who may have been a friend) just died this morning.


----------



## ODFFA

lille said:


> I don't k ow why but I completely crashed today. I feel like shit. My fiancé is sick and in bed so I can't trine to him and I can't reach out to my therapist because I just found out through Facebook through mutual friends that someone she knows through burlesque (who may have been a friend) just died this morning.



Thinking of you. Hope things are looking up, or that they will soon. Even after a period of doing really well, crashes happen. If you could control them, they never would, so just remember to be kind to yourself. You can always PM me too, if you need to get something off your chest


----------



## lille

ODFFA said:


> Thinking of you. Hope things are looking up, or that they will soon. Even after a period of doing really well, crashes happen. If you could control them, they never would, so just remember to be kind to yourself. You can always PM me too, if you need to get something off your chest




Thanks. I'm feeling significantly better this morning.


----------



## Ohio Lady

Depression of all kinds suck whether it be seasonal or any other kind. Since my dad passed in 1986 depression is bad around July 4th (the last time I seen him alive), November which is his birthday and the main holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Father's Day is another hard one where he is concerned. Lately there has been so much death of loved ones and awesome friends that it doesn't help the depression either.


----------



## Rahul123

Find the small reasons and things to make your day happy. your life is automatically happy. it seems now you re better, well-done dude.


----------



## lille

It's more my anxiety than my depression but I'm not doing well. My therapist had me consider seeing if I can drop down to four days a week at work or change my schedule because I am not functioning well. The past few weeks I've had intrusive thoughts pretty much daily. I'm exhausted.


----------



## ODFFA

I've had such a good few days. It's amazing how that can get overturned in an instant by certain alcoholic pieces of shit. If I could go no-contact, I would in a heartbeat. I just feel so utterly worthless.


----------



## lille

ODFFA said:


> I've had such a good few days. It's amazing how that can get overturned in an instant by certain alcoholic pieces of shit. If I could go no-contact, I would in a heartbeat. I just feel so utterly worthless.


I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Hopefully you have more of those good days again soon.


----------



## Rahul123

Do yoga and excercise daily for 45 minutes and consult a professional doctor. Yoga helps you to get rid of this issue.


----------



## lille

It's been a rough week. I'm not in that super dark place but I'm having to fight harder to stay out of it.


----------



## ODFFA

I hope things improve for you over the weekend and the coming week. I've seen you show a lot of strength in the time you've been on Dims and I admire that. Hang in there <3


----------



## lille

ODFFA said:


> I hope things improve for you over the weekend and the coming week. I've seen you show a lot of strength in the time you've been on Dims and I admire that. Hang in there <3


Thanks. I'm trying. Broke down and spent the money on a weighted blanket so hopefully that'll help with my anxiety. I'm trying to be more open about my intrusive thoughts with my husband but it's hard because his ex used to self harm and would basically rub his face in it, like they had an argument before going to a concert with friends and while he and fiends danced she hit herself in the legs so when they got home and she took her clothes off she was covered in bruises. And I never ever want to make him feel the way she did or be anything like her.


----------



## ODFFA

Man, I soooo understand the tightrope of wanting to be open & vulnerable, while avoiding the pitfalls of exhausting / repelling / retraumatising others. Especially someone you love. Doesn't exactly sound like an anxiety-reducing exercise in itself either. But of course, I know it's a vital thing to be mindful of. I'm glad you invested in that blanket. I really do hope the coming week will be easier on you and that you'll have the support you deserve.


----------



## squeezablysoft

Has anyone here had any experience with 7cups online counseling? I started with them yesterday, I went for the option of paying to work with an actual licensed counselor instead of working with a volunteer for free. I figure since getting out and about is such a challenge for me this would be a good way to get help without dealing with transportation issues.


----------



## MattB

Hello Depression Thread! 

I finally got treatment for anxiety and depression last year, after silently dealing with it my whole life. I truly regret not handling it sooner, so if you're out there reading this...don't wait. Go get 'er done. 

My "bad" days now are good days compared to what they used to be, and it's been a relief. I hope you all have good support right now if you need it.


----------



## squeezablysoft

I just started therapy myself and am going to see my gp soon and discuss whether or not medication could be helpful for me too. I'm finding therapy so far is neither as scary nor as earth shattering as I expected. The first few sessions I felt both relieved and slightly underwhelmed (though not to say disappointed). It's just now starting to get a bit deep and intense, further complicated in my case by the fact that I have a majorly codependent relationship with my mother who I currently live with and who thinks depression isn't really a thing and is mad about me talking to a therapist because she feels like it's an invasion of her privacy since I'm telling all the details of our relationship to essentially a stranger. Atm I'd say my outlook on my mental health is cautiously optimistic on a good day and on a bad day it doesn't feel like anything I do is ever going to help or do anything other than make things worse with my mom. But that's the nature of the beast I guess.


----------



## BigElectricKat

Not that you haven't figured this out already but, therapy and counseling are not magical wands that someone can wave and you are miraculously healed. I equate it to training your body or you mind that's cramming for a test. It helps to train your mind to operate in a new way that will help you deal with whatever the issue is. It opens new pathways for your brain to develop. The biggest thing I took away from it was that I had to consciously work on it every day. Slowly, I began to get better. I am confident you will as well. Best of luck! *and now I will go back to being silent*


----------



## DragonFly

BigElectricKat said:


> Not that you haven't figured this out already but, therapy and counseling are not magical wands that someone can wave and you are miraculously healed. I equate it to training your body or you mind that's cramming for a test. It helps to train your mind to operate in a new way that will help you deal with whatever the issue is. It opens new pathways for your brain to develop. The biggest thing I took away from it was that I had to consciously work on it every day. Slowly, I began to get better. I am confident you will as well. Best of luck! *and now I will go back to being silent*


You expressed that incredibly perfect! Thank you!


----------



## Yakatori

squeezablysoft said:


> "_...mad about me talking to a therapist because...do anything other than make things worse with my mom."_


Then don't tell her about it. Don't confuse your own perfectly normal, predictable-even, desire to talk further and more openly about with others about what you've only just begun to unpack privately with this paid professional with a need on her part to actually hear about it.

Just because you live with your mom, and even if you're majorly codependent or otherwise just-dependent on her, doesn't really mean you have to tell her everything. You don't. It's okay. You can just lie. It's okay. You can lie to your mom. At least when it comes to stuff like this. 

And find other people, even if just on here, to talk about stuff like this with.


----------



## rellis10

I admitted to my manager at work that I believe I'm going through Depression once again. Almost 4 years ago I went through diagnosis and treatment for it during an extremely stressful time, and right now I'm feeling very much the same. Constantly down, distracted, needlessly terse and obstructive, mood swings toward anger/frustration, random anxiety spikes... I've been a mess.

Stress and pressure from work is becoming unbearable, I'm in the process of moving into a new flat and I've very recently faced romantic rejection from someone that's impacted me harder than I ever expected. Over the last 6-12 months everything has pushed and pushed until I've hit breaking point.

I can't take time off work right now, the only other person capable of covering for me is on holiday, so I'm stuck pushing through it. After that, I might have to accept that I need professional help again. That thought has always made me feel weak and like a failure though.


----------



## lille

rellis10 said:


> After that, I might have to accept that I need professional help again. That thought has always made me feel weak and like a failure though.



Asking for hel is not a sign of weakness. Would you feel like a failure going to the doctor for pneumonia or a broken bone?


----------



## rellis10

lille said:


> Asking for hel is not a sign of weakness. Would you feel like a failure going to the doctor for pneumonia or a broken bone?



Thank you for the reply. I totally get that when I'm thinking straight, and I know mental illness is just as real and harmful as any broken bone or desease.

When it's at its worst it plays tricks though, makes me feel like giving in and asking for help is a sign I'm not good enough or strong enough to put up with the shit everyone else does.

Again I know that's wrong, it's just something I can't avoid thinking. But I need to push through it like I did the first time if I want real help.


----------



## ODFFA

In recent weeks I've been scammed out of money, caught someone rummaging through my purse, had plenty of anxiety spikes and embarrassing moments, had some pertinent reminders of just how little I mean to certain family members, and been struggling a lot with self-loathing.

I only ever feel safe or happy when I'm isolated, but I know too much of that isn't healthy, so I'm pushing myself. And I'm hating every second of it.

I've held my head above water OK, but especially the last 2 days I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal ideation. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything about it, but god knows, the thought of not being alive anymore does bring immense relief sometimes.


----------



## SplendidMarble

ODFFA said:


> In recent weeks I've been scammed out of money, caught someone rummaging through my purse, had plenty of anxiety spikes and embarrassing moments, had some pertinent reminders of just how little I mean to certain family members, and been struggling a lot with self-loathing.
> 
> I only ever feel safe or happy when I'm isolated, but I know too much of that isn't healthy, so I'm pushing myself. And I'm hating every second of it.
> 
> I've held my head above water OK, but especially the last 2 days I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal ideation. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything about it, but god knows, the thought of not being alive anymore does bring immense relief sometimes.



I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I can definitely say I’ve been there, although not the same exact situations. 

I’m glad you’re pushing yourself to not isolate, even though it sucks - and it does. 

I’m glad you posted as letting anyone know is always know can be a little bit of help. We don’t know each other, but please feel free to send me a message if you’d like to talk or vent or anything else. I hope the heavy and immense feelings subside soon.


----------



## BigElectricKat

ODFFA said:


> In recent weeks I've been scammed out of money, caught someone rummaging through my purse, had plenty of anxiety spikes and embarrassing moments, had some pertinent reminders of just how little I mean to certain family members, and been struggling a lot with self-loathing.
> 
> I only ever feel safe or happy when I'm isolated, but I know too much of that isn't healthy, so I'm pushing myself. And I'm hating every second of it.
> 
> I've held my head above water OK, but especially the last 2 days I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal ideation. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything about it, but god knows, the thought of not being alive anymore does bring immense relief sometimes.


I've been there. More times than I care to admit. And truth be told, my ship occassionally wants to drift in those waters even now. But I encourage you to resist those thoughts because when you get so down on yourself that those thoughts creep in, put things in perspective. Not to make light of your specific situation (which i have no idea of) but there are literally MILLIONS of people who wish there life was as good as yours. I have lived in several different countries and been to many more. I've seen people living, working, struggling in such harsh conditions and extreme poverty. My heart breaks every time I revisit some of those memories and that is what makes me keep my chin up when my mind takes me down.

I think that you are doing the right thing by pushing yourself and not staying isolated. Self-loathing is a one-way street on the way to a dead end. Turn that around and connect with people who can or will see that greatness that resides within you. There's nothing like spending time with people who see what's good about you. And I echo SplendidMarble - Message me if you need someone to just talk to or vent. Remember: *LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE*.


----------



## rellis10

So, about a month ago I started getting treatment for depression for a second time.

On top of work stress and a flat move, I've also had a bad experience romantically that has tested me mentally for a few months.

It became more and more apparent that she wasn't attracted to me physically and it was something she couldn't get past. After it finished, I've struggled intensely with self-belief and self-loathing. Things are getting better, but very slowly.


----------



## BigElectricKat

rellis10 said:


> So, about a month ago I started getting treatment for depression for a second time.
> 
> On top of work stress and a flat move, I've also had a bad experience romantically that has tested me mentally for a few months.
> 
> It became more and more apparent that she wasn't attracted to me physically and it was something she couldn't get past. After it finished, I've struggled intensely with self-belief and self-loathing. Things are getting better, but very slowly.


Hang in there, brother! Things will turn for the good!


----------



## AmyJo1976

rellis10 said:


> So, about a month ago I started getting treatment for depression for a second time.
> 
> On top of work stress and a flat move, I've also had a bad experience romantically that has tested me mentally for a few months.
> 
> It became more and more apparent that she wasn't attracted to me physically and it was something she couldn't get past. After it finished, I've struggled intensely with self-belief and self-loathing. Things are getting better, but very slowly.


Like BEK said, hang in there! Depression is a horrible thing to have to deal with and nothing is more of a trigger than a partner that doesn't, or act like they're not attracted to you physically, at least for me. I truly believe that there's someone out there for everyone, you just have to find them. I hope it gets better for you soon!


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## lille

It's been a particularly bad day. I was able to take some meds and that quieted my brain down enough to get a little sleep. If I don't even want to move. The idea of getting up and functioning at work tomorrow feels like an insurmountable task right now.


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## ODFFA

I may be finally moving out very, very soon. That's a silver lining. But it feels like my whole life is falling apart. The family fights and feuds are escalating to an insane degree. I wish I still lived in a country with a decent public transport system and a reasonable crime rate. I have never felt so lost. 

The icing on the cake is the thought of leaving my dog for good, under those abusive, traumatic circumstances. Feel like I've failed her. It just kills me. I miss her so so much </3


----------



## AmyJo1976

ODFFA said:


> I may be finally moving out very, very soon. That's a silver lining. But it feels like my whole life is falling apart. The family fights and feuds are escalating to an insane degree. I wish I still lived in a country with a decent public transport system and a reasonable crime rate. I have never felt so lost.
> 
> The icing on the cake is the thought of leaving my dog for good, under those abusive, traumatic circumstances. Feel like I've failed her. It just kills me. I miss her so so much </3


That stinks that you have to leave your dog  You can't take her with?


----------



## ODFFA

AmyJo1976 said:


> That stinks that you have to leave your dog  You can't take her with?



Unfortunately there's no way to have her stay here where I am now. I've been crying for her all evening. I know she'll be ok in the end, it's just the thought of her missing me and wondering where I am that is so hard to take at the moment. I'll see her again on Wednesday and be able to spend some quality time.

Thanks so much for the kindness, though. Very, very much appreciated.


----------



## lille

ODFFA said:


> Unfortunately there's no way to have her stay here where I am now. I've been crying for her all evening. I know she'll be ok in the end, it's just the thought of her missing me and wondering where I am that is so hard to take at the moment. I'll see her again on Wednesday and be able to spend some quality time.
> 
> Thanks so much for the kindness, though. Very, very much appreciated.



I am so sorry you're going through this. I can't image how hard this has been for you.


----------



## squeezablysoft

I would prolly be on here everyday were it not for this.


----------



## squeezablysoft

You know you're depressed when you've cried till your face feels numb and you're actually disappointed that it's probably just from the crying and not a fatal stroke.


----------



## DragonFly

squeezablysoft said:


> You know you're depressed when you've cried till your face feels numb and you're actually disappointed that it's probably just from the crying and not a fatal stroke.


Oh no.... you are so valuable, seeing your words feels so wrong. Remember depression can get better.


----------



## DragonFly

squeezablysoft said:


> I would prolly be on here everyday were it not for this.
> 
> View attachment 131569


I once blocked a very important person in my life, as in blocked her phone number, I was depressed angry. Took me a while to unblock. I know how it feels.


----------



## Killexia

When I was around 11/12 i had a bad depression last until I was around 23/24. I just kind of got over it. Never took meds, no therapists, no inpatient hospitals. We have a family history of depression too. Nowadays I find the depression to be like a tidal wave as it comes and goes, but as an adult I have better resources to deal.

My dad has a bad cancer diagnosis and my mom and her shack up BF are moving from their state to mine. I'm currently under a lot of stress and pressure, and often feel the depression coming back. However, I'm very angry about my dad's situation and the part he played in it so I have found that giving into my anger to motivate me at work and getting responsibilities done works fantastically. Plus I have my dog to think about and she's like my kid.


----------



## ODFFA

squeezablysoft said:


> You know you're depressed when you've cried till your face feels numb and you're actually disappointed that it's probably just from the crying and not a fatal stroke.



I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time  You really are a great presence around these parts and I so hope that weight starts lifting off your shoulders soon.



Killexia said:


> When I was around 11/12 i had a bad depression last until I was around 23/24. I just kind of got over it. Never took meds, no therapists, no inpatient hospitals. We have a family history of depression too. Nowadays I find the depression to be like a tidal wave as it comes and goes, but as an adult I have better resources to deal.
> 
> My dad has a bad cancer diagnosis and my mom and her shack up BF are moving from their state to mine. I'm currently under a lot of stress and pressure, and often feel the depression coming back. However, I'm very angry about my dad's situation and the part he played in it so *I have found that giving into my anger to motivate me at work and getting responsibilities done works fantastically.* Plus I have my dog to think about and she's like my kid.



God, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis, and the stress heaped on top of all that. Wishing you the best, and that it won't take too long for the pressure to subside at least. That "giving in to anger to get stuff done" thing is so interesting to me in that I've seen plenty of people do it, known several people who operate this way... and it's like I can't really seem to manage it. Not for very long anyway. I'll have these occasional spurts of anger-motivation that may last a week or two. And it absolutely serves me in the area of basic functioning. But it always ends up feeling really unfulfilling to the point where, eventually, I can't keep it up anymore.

(I'm doing... eh... okaaay right now. I'm bringing it up more out of intrigue than anything else.)


----------



## Killexia

ODFFA said:


> God, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis, and the stress heaped on top of all that. Wishing you the best, and that it won't take too long for the pressure to subside at least. That "giving in to anger to get stuff done" thing is so interesting to me in that I've seen plenty of people do it, known several people who operate this way... and it's like I can't really seem to manage it. Not for very long anyway. I'll have these occasional spurts of anger-motivation that may last a week or two. And it absolutely serves me in the area of basic functioning. But it always ends up feeling really unfulfilling to the point where, eventually, I can't keep it up anymore.
> 
> (I'm doing... eh... okaaay right now. I'm bringing it up more out of intrigue than anything else.)



Thank you. It is of his own making from 50 years of heavy smoking. I figured at his age he would be had a stroke by now, so I've been well prepared. I'm actually pissed off at his reaction of being so surprised he has lung cancer. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. Sheesh. 

The anger thing makes me feel in control. I internalize things. When it gets to a breaking point that's when I pour some whiskey or vodka and chill out by the fire outside. I have found some new wines and cocktails this way. LOL So there is a silver lining to it all.


----------



## ODFFA

Killexia said:


> Thank you. It is of his own making from 50 years of heavy smoking. I figured at his age he would be had a stroke by now, so I've been well prepared. I'm actually pissed off at his reaction of being so surprised he has lung cancer. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. Sheesh.
> 
> The anger thing makes me feel in control. I internalize things. When it gets to a breaking point that's when I pour some whiskey or vodka and chill out by the fire outside. I have found some new wines and cocktails this way. LOL So there is a silver lining to it all.



I know the feeling. My dad was drinking himself to death -- got extremely close to it in December. He's in rehab at the moment, but I'm . . . not exactly holding my breath.

I can definitely understand the anger-motivation thing working out. It does for me too, only it's very short-lived. But there are plus sides to that as well. I'm beginning to remember and re-appreciate the fact that I'm more easily and consistently motivated by the "softer" emotions, even when the depression hits. The only reason that bothered me was that it has the potential to make me a . . . well, soft target for tactics like manipulation. But I'm realising that I am wiser now than I used to be and I could stand to trust myself more. Dealing with some emotional shell shock is understandable, but I don't want it taking over my life and messing with my happiness.


----------



## Killexia

ODFFA said:


> I know the feeling. My dad was drinking himself to death -- got extremely close to it in December. He's in rehab at the moment, but I'm . . . not exactly holding my breath.
> 
> I can definitely understand the anger-motivation thing working out. It does for me too, only it's very short-lived. But there are plus sides to that as well. I'm beginning to remember and re-appreciate the fact that I'm more easily and consistently motivated by the "softer" emotions, even when the depression hits. The only reason that bothered me was that it has the potential to make me a . . . well, soft target for tactics like manipulation. But I'm realising that I am wiser now than I used to be and I could stand to trust myself more. Dealing with some emotional shell shock is understandable, but I don't want it taking over my life and messing with my happiness.



I'm sorry to hear of that too. Too bad we didn't stand in the better parent line all those years ago. LOL 

My mother is a master manipulator and her parents were very cruel to me growing up. I also grew up in a ghetto, so I learned some skills to deal with people who think I'm an easy mark. I kind of feel bad for them when they realize they can't get one over on me. LOL 

Whenever I get home I will toast to you and your struggles.


----------



## da3ley

I am struggling with thought of not wanting to be here anymore. Its a daily struggle and for the most part i have to fight with all i have , and all the energy. It seems even to take a breath when i get like this is so crippling. It's Like something has latched on to me and trying to pull me down til I do it. 

Whoever is hurting I don't mind talking to even though we are strangers Some of the best listeners are the ones that have been through depression and trauma. Whomever needs a shoulder I don't mind. You can message me...don't be shy, Cancers are good listeners, so I have heard.


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## loopytheone

Confession time: Mine has been kicking me in the balls pretty hard recently, which is why I haven't been around here much. I just don't really have anybody to talk to about a lot of my issues, or only one person who already gets everything dumped on them, bless them. 

I'm coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of body image disorder as well. And that is so, so raw for me and I don't think I could talk to a therapist about it in person anyway. 

Recently my mood has felt like a rocket zooming around in a million different directions.


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## FleurBleu

Why do you feel you couldn't talk to a therapist about it?


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## loopytheone

FleurBleu said:


> Why do you feel you couldn't talk to a therapist about it?



I just don't think that they would understand that there is an issue. I'm an obese woman, if I complain that sometimes I feel huge and gross and would do anything to change that, then most people think that is _normal. 
_
But it isn't normal for me. Most of the time I am happy being fat and like my body. But throughout my whole life, I have this undercurrent of intense disgust for my body, be it because of my weight, my skin, hair etc. I had an eating disorder when I was younger and got down to 110 lbs, and still felt huge and gross, so its not actually my size that is the problem, its my self perception. 

I just don't think I could cope with saying these really raw/personal things to somebody and having them respond with telling me to 'just lose weight' or whatever.


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## FleurBleu

I'm skinny, always have been, yet I'm struggling with anorexic tendencies and have trouble accepting my body. It does not make sense. If you find the right therapist, however, they won't try to make sense of it, much less judge you. Mine sees I'm struggling and recognizes it as a symptom of a deeper issue. She rarely tell me what to do but gives me things to think about.
Although it was a stroke of luck finding her, there is no reason why you shouldn't luck out, too. Perhaps someone who knows you well can recommend someone who will be a good fit. At any rate that therapist should be female since she will be able to better relate to what you're going through. 
Ultimately it's your decision of course and you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Bottomline, however, a therapist's office can be the safest place on Earth to talk about your most embarrassing and darkest secrets if you're talking to the right person.


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## Sonic Purity

FleurBleu said:


> Bottomline, however, a therapist's office can be the safest place on Earth to talk about your most embarrassing and darkest secrets if you're talking to the right person.



Not in California, U.S.A.: sharing certain very private things requires mandatory reporting to law enforcement here, else the therapist loses their license, can be sued, etc. Say the wrong thing, and you can be forcibly medicated/detained against your will by the decision of one flawed human—no jury, no oversight. A few weeks ago: i didn’t even _say_ anything wrong, but my ex-therapist jumped to an unwarranted conclusion and to cover her (sexy) ass put in a call, and the police were at my front door, doing a welfare check.

Finding mental health care and being able to honestly, openly work with your therapist if you’re an individual who’s ever been suicidal, _even if you’re totally not at all in the present_, is basically not possible. I’m currently living through this nightmare.


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## FleurBleu

This makes me both grateful and bitter. Grateful for the German healthcare system and bitter that the American one doesn't seem to get any better. If you can't even trust your therapist, who can you trust?? I feel for you :-\


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## loopytheone

Yeah, in theory the same applies in the UK, they are obligated to tell the police if they think you are risk to yourself or others. They pretty much never do though, even when I was dragged to the doctors in an actively suicidal state. 

But yeah, I've seen a lot of therapists for various things over the years and honestly, I never trusted them completely. I've had bad experiences with most of them, though not nearly as bad as Sonic has. My current therapist loves to tell me that my anxiety will 'just go away' if I try harder. So yeah, that probably sums up the quality of therapists here...


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## FleurBleu

Come to Germany, both of you. Great food, great therapists.


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## squeezablysoft

I feel for you, Loops. I've talked before on here about how conflicted I feel about my weight, bouncing back and forth between wanting to gain even to immobility at times and giving into the cultural narrative I grew up with that for a woman at least the thinner the better. And thus feeling like the only weight I can really never be happy at is a "normal healthy weight". I'd love to discuss this with an understanding therapist but I'm afraid most wouldn't understand how anyone would actually want to be fat. I just had to switch therapists since the one I was seeing decided to take some time off so I'm still feeling things out with the new one. It's so frustrating because I'd love to be comfortable in my own skin but I don't think I can be if I take my weight in the direction everyone thinks would normally be a good thing.


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## Sonic Purity

loopytheone said:


> But yeah, I've seen a lot of therapists for various things over the years and honestly, I never trusted them completely. I've had bad experiences with most of them, though not nearly as bad as Sonic has. My current therapist loves to tell me that my anxiety will 'just go away' if I try harder. So yeah, that probably sums up the quality of therapists here...



Back before California statute 5150 and related laws existed (or perhaps before i knew they existed), it was possible to be totally honest with one’s therapist, and i was able to get some beneficial work done with some.

My experience here has been that mental health therapists come in many different “flavors”, which is to say specialties and skill sets. It’s an ever-changing alphabet soup of formal name suffixes. If that’s true where you are, too, Loopy, maybe you need a different type of therapist? If government would get out of the way, i’d hope to be benefitting from working with a trauma specialist therapist right now (which i was doing until she terminated me). Even within a category or credential title (LMFT and LCSW are a couple of titles currently in use here: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker), the exact approach used can be quite different. And, as a form of semi-intimate relationship, individual comfort and connection matter, and cannot necessarily be predicted or mapped out in advance.



FleurBleu said:


> Come to Germany, both of you. Great food, great therapists.



Well, at least i have a compatible surname for being there, since the patriarchal lineage came from there and jumped to this continent around 1760-something. Not that i remember more than a few words and fragments from the 2 years of high school German i took.

The one (1) time i was and likely will ever have been to Europe (and the UK) was in 1992, for my brother’s wedding (to a Hungarian professor of English literature, in Budapest), traveling with my parents (who had the $$ and travel savvy to make things happen and work out). I was quite ill with what i thought was a cold but was actually the flu at the time (thank you for nothing, Virgin recycled air Airways), so i don’t remember much. Traveled by train out of Budapest through Austria and somewhere in Germany switched to a rental car. Wherever i was, i do remember how green the hills were all around the beautiful wide-open rural segment of the autobahn we were on. I expected to feel all this deep emotional tribal ancestral connection when we visited what is supposed to be the area of my paternal ancestors (somewhere in the palatinate region is all i remember), and felt nothing. Same thing in Cornwall, England, where another branch of the family came from: nice enough place, but didn’t feel even a tiny bit like coming home, nor a place of deep connection. The rave in Glasgow was nice, though, even though another branch of ancestors was apparently from closer to Edinburgh, not there. (Too few BBW on the massive dance floor and me too shy and flu-ill to approach them.)

If a whole slew of things were different in my life, and i lived in something closer to my father’s BHM body or his brother’s SSBHM body, i might want to come visit you, FleurBleu, and maybe we’d have a good time. You’d have no use for my slender body, and i really need soft, luscious fat thickness to love, as i gather you do. Maybe we’d write stories together or something. It remains somewhat of a mystery how my father ran mostly between hefty and outright fat most of his adult life and my mother and her mother and father all sported round fat pot bellies at various points (the women less than my grandfather), and yet my brother and i came out as (relatively) tall poles, and remain that way. My brother and i did come out of the same fallopian tube, though, but that’s a story for another day… or site.



loopytheone said:


> But throughout my whole life, I have this undercurrent of intense disgust for my body, be it because of my weight, my skin, hair etc.



I’ve had trouble tolerating my body and appearance my whole life. Unlike you, Loopy, i’ve not had those periods of liking my body, beyond rare, fleeting moments. In my case, low self-esteem has been a major factor.

Seems to me that many of us may be genetically set up to find others attractive, but not so much (or at all) ourselves. Might have something to do with reproductive diversity?

Since each of us needs to find our own way to body image self-acceptance the following is probably off-topic, but i feel it’s close enough, and i want to confess in public, so i’m sharing it here. I saw some of your pictures here on the site yesterday, Loopy. The ones from that wedding around 2017 or something. It wasn’t the first time i’d seen them. As happened last time, i was nearly in tears from your drop-dead gorgeous shimmering beauty. Your beautiful skin, eyes, eyebrows, hair—your whole face and head. It would not surprise me to see you show up as a fashion model, or in stock photos of attractive people. As before, last time i saw them, it made me wish i could magically be half my current age, and attractive, and a large, soft BHM, and live near you, and you’d have an opening for a special friend, and we could cuddle together, talking about anything and everything our curious, open, scientifically-oriented minds might want to discuss. Or maybe i could be a guinea pig living in your home. That might do.


----------



## squeezablysoft

Also I was scared to admit to my therapist that I was feeling suicidal but thankfully she didn't overreact and send someone banging on my door to drag me to the mental hospital but I was kinda scared she might.


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## FleurBleu

"somewhere in the palatinate region is all i remember"
What? No way, that's where I live! Do you remember a city name?


----------



## Sonic Purity

squeezablysoft said:


> I'd love to discuss this with an understanding therapist but I'm afraid most wouldn't understand how anyone would actually want to be fat. […] It's so frustrating because I'd love to be comfortable in my own skin but I don't think I can be if I take my weight in the direction everyone thinks would normally be a good thing.



Maybe that can be a filtering question in your search for your next therapist.

This last round, i was in deep crisis, needed a trauma therapist _now_, and was having trouble getting in with anyone. The only one willing and able to take me happened by chance to be a still-BBW after WLS, who in addition to trauma work, counsels clients with “weight issues” and especially those considering weight-loss surgery (which she does not in any way push on anyone). I was not at all sure she’d be OK with any of my innate FA nature, and very clear comfort loving fat women (and not wanting to change any of that).

For the duration of time she and i worked together, that aspect worked out pretty well. We never did exactly get into the whole fatlovesex world totally head-on, though she had me write out a trauma-centric version of my life story and of necessity there was a whole lot of material on the fatosphere in there, and at various other times bits of things came up, so she had to have known. I even caught her making a brief self-disparaging remark regarding her relative unfitness (she used to be some form of athlete) related to her fat and went straight into a totally honest, real, wholly fat-positive reframing of what she’d just said that i could tell she appreciated. She never once questioned nor judged my attraction, and certainly never tried to “fix” it or guide me out of it. While not my theoretical ideal body shape, it was very, very hard at times to keep my eyes focused on hers, with her deliciously huge thighs right there, and her soft, woggaly upper arm fat. Any time either or both her arms went up, i had to sneak at least a brief look. We had things in common, and a lot of times the sessions fell into more of a social visit with her talking about herself, which would’ve been _great_ by me if i wasn’t paying for therapy, and especially if she and i could date, or be special friends.

Many things about her terminating me upset me. Losing a therapist with whom i could freely discuss aspects of our community with her taking things in stride and having an understanding of them is definitely one of those. If my situation was less urgent and i had the luxury of doing more therapist shopping, knowledge and at least tolerance of the fatosphere might well be one of my filtering criteria.


----------



## lille

Sonic Purity said:


> Not in California, U.S.A.: sharing certain very private things requires mandatory reporting to law enforcement here, else the therapist loses their license, can be sued, etc. Say the wrong thing, and you can be forcibly medicated/detained against your will by the decision of one flawed human—no jury, no oversight. A few weeks ago: i didn’t even _say_ anything wrong, but my ex-therapist jumped to an unwarranted conclusion and to cover her (sexy) ass put in a call, and the police were at my front door, doing a welfare check.
> 
> Finding mental health care and being able to honestly, openly work with your therapist if you’re an individual who’s ever been suicidal, _even if you’re totally not at all in the present_, is basically not possible. I’m currently living through this nightmare.


So I’m a mental health professional in the US and I work in suicide prevention. I talk to people with suicidal thoughts every single day. We rarely ever call police. The only time police are called is if there is emminent danger and no other way to keep the person safe. If you can’t talk to your therapist about a history of suicidal thoughts you’ve got a crappy therapist.


----------



## lille

I have had one terrible therapist. A not very good though very friendly psychiatrist. A ok therapist that I didn’t click with. And now I have an amazing kink friendly therapist that I adore and can be totally open and honest with. She’s phenomenal and I’ve made huge progress working with her. Good therapists are out there, I forgot can take some trial and error.


----------



## Sonic Purity

FleurBleu said:


> "somewhere in the palatinate region is all i remember"
> What? No way, that's where I live! Do you remember a city name?



Offline research (my mother looking through paper maps etc. from 1992) was required, hence the delay in my response.

In terms of the ancestors, there is no clear information, despite the existence of a book entitled Kratz Family History from 1982, enumerating the lineage from the arrival of one John Valentine Kratz on the North American continent “in 1727 when he was 20 years old”. It mentions the ship upon which he traveled, his making the move due to “religious persecution”, and much more. Once he gets to Pennsylvania, there’s tons of details. All it says about him in Germany is:

“John Valentine Kratz was born 1707 in the Palatinate, a province of Germany, bordering on the east side of the Rhine.”

Then it goes into a footnote about some thinking that he was born in Switzerland then traveled to this region of Germany before heading to North America. His father John Philip Kratz is only listed as “born in Germany”… rather vague.

Now if you’re asking about where i visited in 1992, near-delirious with the flu i thought was a cold, the only cities in which my mother remembers us stopping were Mannheim and Heidelberg. I do remember walking all over Heidelberg, and little else. I don’t remember Mannheim distinctly at all.

Either of these cities anywhere near you?


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## Sonic Purity

lille said:


> I have had one terrible therapist. A not very good though very friendly psychiatrist. A ok therapist that I didn’t click with. And now I have an amazing kink friendly therapist that I adore and can be totally open and honest with. She’s phenomenal and I’ve made huge progress working with her. Good therapists are out there, I forgot can take some trial and error.



Thank you for adding this. I was beginning to feel quite terrible about my failings finding a therapist this time around, given the time, energy, and money it takes to a) locate them, b) set up the initial appointment (if one gets that far), c) go through the initial appointment. Feeling shame for even being alive in the first place, then shame taking up some therapist’s time which might be better utilized helping a more worthy person, make the search process difficult enough to begin with.

Then there was the time in the pre-popular-Internet part of the 1990s when i _was_ suicidal (ideation. No means whatsoever, nor even a half-baked plan at that point) and called a suicide prevention hotline… and the person did not take me seriously(!!!!!). No, it was not a wrong number; i verified. Bad experience; first and last time i have or will deal with a suicide prevention hotline, or most other hotlines.


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## FleurBleu

I went to college in Mannheim and visited Heidelberg two weeks ago. What a small world!
But back to your original post: I sincerely hope you'll find a good therapist. Everyone who is strong enough to admit it to themselves that they need one deserve one.


----------



## NZ Mountain Man

southernfa said:


> Well seen. Good for you. Alcohol and other "social" drugs definitely fall into the bad company category particularly because of their apparent attractiveness.
> 
> Here is a challenge for you; give that which you think you most lack.
> 
> Good luck


Alcohol is a depressant.


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## MattB

In a rough patch right now. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, I just wanted to write it down and get it out. 

I need to increase my activity, among other things, so I know what to do.


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## Donna

MattB said:


> In a rough patch right now. I'm not looking for advice or sympathy, I just wanted to write it down and get it out.
> 
> I need to increase my activity, among other things, so I know what to do.


Is acknowledgment that you’re not alone in that emotion an acceptable response?


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## MattB

Of course. \m/


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## Angelette

Well, it is 2 in the morning PST time. I'm all alone with a messy mind. Can't even sleep.

I feel ashamed for making a vent comment. But this website is my last resort. Wanted to write an essay about my life. However, it is complicated and don't know how to word it. I'm afraid there won't be much solutions to my problems. 

Wish everyone well.


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## Colonial Warrior

Angelette said:


> Well, it is 2 in the morning PST time. I'm all alone with a messy mind. Can't even sleep.
> 
> I feel ashamed for making a vent comment. But this website is my last resort. Wanted to write an essay about my life. However, it is complicated and don't know how to word it. I'm afraid there won't be much solutions to my problems.
> 
> Wish everyone well.


You are taking the most important step: to talk about your problems.

If you feel writing can help you, write whatever you want.

My best hopes, you can overcome that state of mind.

For many of us, this site is our last resort.


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## Dromond

Boy howdy, I'm really struggling to cope. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and hopefully get better medication.


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## SSBHM

Angelette said:


> Well, it is 2 in the morning PST time. I'm all alone with a messy mind. Can't even sleep.
> 
> I feel ashamed for making a vent comment. But this website is my last resort. Wanted to write an essay about my life. However, it is complicated and don't know how to word it. I'm afraid there won't be much solutions to my problems.
> 
> Wish everyone well.


I think or hope it helps to know you're not alone. This is a community that has many caring people. We may not know the answer to the problems anyone may ask, but that won't stop us from feeling like it's important to share our best wishes, and to show that we always care. 

This is a fat support or preference community. That probably makes us odd to some extent, in general society's opinion, but I think that the fact that we all have these feelings means there are others' you can tell whatever is on your mind and not feel like there's no one in the world that can understand you.


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## Dromond

I have so much on my mind that it's like a log jam. I can't seem to express what is on my mind, but I'm going to try.

First of all, let's talk medication side effects. My psychiatrist tried a couple different anti-psychotics, both of which had terrible side effects. The permanent side effect is serious hand tremors. More like hand quakes. It's probably tardive dyskinesia. At rest, my hands don't shake much. It's when I try to do something with my hands that the trouble starts. It makes typing and writing a trial, not to mention eating. Holding a utensil is an adventure. Just what I needed, yeah?

I saw my psychiatrist this past week, and I'm now on a mood stabilizer (Trileptal). My doctor wanted to get away from anti-psychotics. I will never take another. I'm waiting for my moods to calm down. I know the medication will take a couple of weeks to get to therapeutic strength. So far no side effects.

Next, I feel dead inside. Coping with bipolar mood swings has left me numb. I don't laugh, I don't often smile, and my wit has left me. I know I'm drifting away from people that I like and love, but I don't know how to stop it. It scares me that there will be no one around who cares at the end of my life, because I let them drift away.

I had hopes we'd be over Covid by now, but no. Hiding away from the world only exacerbates my mood problems.

In short, I'm a big mess. I haven't stopped caring, I've just lost the ability to express it.


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## Angelette

Dear Dims,

I cried at work today. A SSBHM fresh co-worker scolded me. Even though I tried my very best and I was under stress. I don't think he sees that. Well, I was always the outcast at work anyways. I'm not pretty enough or at hierarchy level to fit in.

I felt depressed afterwards and wrote a will in my head. Funny that I have a lot to say in my mind, yet it's hard to put it together in writing. My life has been in shambles for a while now. I thought I might get out of this hell hole eventually. But it seems it will take an extra few years.

I was very lonely in my bedroom. My only space of peace. Even though I could talk to my online friends. But didn't want to bother them again with my venting.


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## Colonial Warrior

Angelette said:


> Dear Dims,
> 
> I cried at work today. A SSBHM fresh co-worker scolded me. Even though I tried my very best and I was under stress. I don't think he sees that. Well, I was always the outcast at work anyways. I'm not pretty enough or at hierarchy level to fit in.
> 
> I felt depressed afterwards and wrote a will in my head. Funny that I have a lot to say in my mind, yet it's hard to put it together in writing. My life has been in shambles for a while now. I thought I might get out of this hell hole eventually. But it seems it will take an extra few years.
> 
> I was very lonely in my bedroom. My only space of peace. Even though I could talk to my online friends. But didn't want to bother them again with my venting.



If they are friends for real, you don't bother them. Believe me, there are a lot of people here who wants to help you. 

Write whatever you want and don't worry about bothering no one.


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## Angelette

Dear Dims,

I am crying right now. Scared to come to work tomorrow. Due to getting in trouble from my backwards higher-ups. Even though I didn't do anything wrong. The red vest guy sent me to HR today. I will eventually explain the context of the situation. 

Anyways, I don't want to come to work due to all that pressure. But at the same time, I do need the money. I assure I used up my PTO hours and I don't won't to get in trouble with my company. This job has affected my mental health. The other day ago I thought of "disappearing" but I held back.

My only hope in my life to keep me sane are my friends from far away and a guardian angel. Not sure if this counts as depression, but it is mental health related.


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## MattB

I've been decent lately. I decided that being retired/working from home hasn't been good for my health, physically or mentally. It was my second attempt at retirement, but I'm just not ready yet for that. My goal was always to be done work before turning 50, but it hasn't been a good idea overall. 

So, I took an easy (for me) retail job that gets me out of the house and moving, and is stimulating mentally. I almost had to beg to get hired, as I was ridiculously over qualified, but I told the truth. I needed something to do, and was willing to be a part of a team again rather than being in upper management. 

At 48, I'm literally twice the age of most of my co-workers. 

Anyways, it's been a couple of weeks and I feel like new. If things go sideways, I can always step back and stay at home again, but for now I have a renewed sense of purpose. 

Suck it, depression.


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## Angelette

It might be due to being a shut-in and previously out of job. Also having a lack of rl-friends. But I feel like my life is empty and I don't know what I want to do with my life. 

Even if I have some dreams, it worries me what happens if I end up not liking that career? Anyways, my mind feels trapped and it seems nothing can make me happy. Even if I complete minor goals such as cleaning the living room, I still feel unsatisfied.

I guess that's the curse of being a z-word.


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## NZ Mountain Man

Angelette said:


> It might be due to being a shut-in and previously out of job. Also having a lack of rl-friends. But I feel like my life is empty and I don't know what I want to do with my life.
> 
> Even if I have some dreams, it worries me what happens if I end up not liking that career? Anyways, my mind feels trapped and it seems nothing can make me happy. Even if I complete minor goals such as cleaning the living room, I still feel unsatisfied.
> 
> I guess that's the curse of being a z-word.



First and foremost I am sorry you are up against beastly behaviour. I have not read all your posts, just what is on this page.
Did you put your best effort in? It sounds like you did. You cannot exceed your best. If others are saying it was a poor effort then they are wrong. It might be a poor outcome but that is not because of the effort you put in. If you are beating your self up for the outcome and know you did your best then you are becoming your own bully.
If there is room for improvement remember Tomas Edison working on the light bulb. Each failure was establishing what does not work. He worked on finding what does work.
Your dangerous words of "I was writing my will in my mind."
You are seeking an acceptable outcome. Ending your life will disallow you to achieve that. It is not that you are alive causing your time in darkness. It is your lack of acceptance. You must identify that you are acceptable, that you can achieve, repeating the same error will resolve things so seek help to identify the derailment.
It is hard to identify the true issue when you are in the middle of it and a prospectus of someone on the outside seeing ALL the components can come up with resolution.
Hang in there and identify the issues and work them. You the person, are not the issue. Take that off the list to give yourself a chance to succeed.


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## Angelette

Well, my silly motivation is aiming to have a big LPS collection. Maybe that will keep me afloat.


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## waldo

Angelette said:


> Well, my silly motivation is aiming to have a big LPS collection. Maybe that will keep me afloat.


As a biochemist, when I saw "LPS" I thought Lipopolysaccharide. Of course I assume you are referring to littlest pet shop? Do you have an actual pet? If not, I strongly recommend considering it. The unconditional love of a dog (cats can be a little less lovable) is very soul-soothing. Of course dogs require tons more work to take care of, so consider that. Just a thought....

ETA: any small 'motivations' are really beneficial for those of us who struggle to find a reason to carry on in this life. For example, just striving to get to a certain level on a video game has been a thing that I have had to try to look forward to. When it doesn't actually happen, then that can be an issue (aka bummer). But the effort is never wasted.


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## Angelette

waldo said:


> As a biochemist, when I saw "LPS" I thought Lipopolysaccharide. Of course I assume you are referring to littlest pet shop? Do you have an actual pet? If not, I strongly recommend considering it. The unconditional love of a dog (cats can be a little less lovable) is very soul-soothing. Of course dogs require tons more work to take care of, so consider that. Just a thought....


Haha I thought someone would think I was referring to vinyl records! Si the toy line. 

I do own 3 dogs. All of them are mixed breeds. Two chihuahua/dacshund breeds and one black poodle.


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## waldo

Angelette said:


> Haha I thought someone would think I was referring to vinyl records! Si the toy line.
> 
> I do own 3 dogs. All of them are mixed breeds. Two chihuahua/dacshund breeds and one black poodle.


We had a puggle (Pug + beagle cross-breed). He was a holy terror! But I grew to love the little guy and when he suddenly got ill (I think from a shard of a steak bone we let him chew on that perforated his intestines) and died while laying down next to me, it was pretty upsetting. Then we adpoted a rat terrier who was about 2 years old. About 4 years later he came down with kidney failure and we had to put him down. Now we have 4 (yes 4) cats. The most recent 2 were found in my wife's co-worker's vehicle under the engine compartment in the heat of early August. The little buggers were about ready to keel over of heat exhaustion/dehydration, but are thriving now.


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## Angelette

waldo said:


> We had a puggle (Pug + beagle cross-breed). He was a holy terror! But I grew to love the little guy and when he suddenly got ill (I think from a shard of a steak bone we let him chew on that perforated his intestines) and died while laying down next to me, it was pretty upsetting. Then we adpoted a rat terrier who was about 2 years old. About 4 years later he came down with kidney failure and we had to put him down. Now we have 4 (yes 4) cats. The most recent 2 were found in my wife's co-worker's vehicle under the engine compartment in the heat of early August. The little buggers were about ready to keel over of heat exhaustion/dehydration, but are thriving now.


Oh no I'm sorry to hear that. I used to own some sort of Pomeranian mix since 6 years ago. Sadly we only had her for a year. My parents were very busy with yard work and she went out the gate and got hit. It hurts seeing her in bad condition while panting. This was a day after my sister's birthday which didn't help.
Edit: I forgot to mention my poodle had a brother. He was very heavy haha. My mom didn't want many dogs and gave the second poodle to her co-worker friend. Sadly we discovered the sad news he got shot by a crazy neighbor. This world is cruel.


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## waldo

Angelette said:


> Oh no I'm sorry to hear that. I used to own some sort of Pomeranian mix since 6 years ago. Sadly we only had her for a year. My parents were very busy with yard work and she went out the gate and got hit. It hurts seeing her in bad condition while panting. This was a day after my sister's birthday which didn't help.
> Edit: I forgot to mention my poodle had a brother. He was very heavy haha. My mom didn't want many dogs and gave the second poodle to her co-worker friend. Sadly we discovered the sad news he got shot by a crazy neighbor. This world is cruel.


Yes the world is cruel in so many ways. I think in our modern society we try to shield ourselves too much from the 'down and dirty' of all the things life entails. Maybe one advantage that those of us who are chronically depressed possess, is that nothing that happens can really get us down, since we are already down. Maybe we could therefore be the best able to deal with severe hardship-related issues when the chips are down? I know crazy, but..................

ETA: Abe Lincoln, considered by many to be the best US President, who led the country through the aborted breakup of the 1860s, apparently suffered from persistent melancholy (aka chronic depression). So maybe at least one example of how depressed people can be so effective in difficult times.


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## Angelette

I had my temporary happiness to motivate me. But now it's lost and I feel like I'm thrown away.


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## Colonial Warrior

Angelette said:


> I had my temporary happiness to motivate me. But now it's lost and I feel like I'm thrown away.


I just feel that way!


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## Angelette

Colonial Warrior said:


> I just feel that way!


Awww I'm terribly sorry to hear that! Hopefully next year is optimistic. *hugs*


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## Angelette

I am feeling suicidal and to be honest I don't think I belong here anymore. I am sorry everyone for causing troubles.


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## Donna

Angelette said:


> I am feeling suicidal and to be honest I don't think I belong here anymore. I am sorry everyone for causing troubles.


Please, please, please talk to a professional mental health therapist or counselor about your suicidal thoughts, even if you start to feel better. I am available to chat-my DMs are open, but I have a feeling you aren’t interested in chatting with an older person.

The Suicide Prevention Hotline is available 24 hrs/day, everyday. You don’t have to call on the phone, you can send an SMS message to 988, or text: Lifeline Chat and Text

They have trained counselors, people your age who will assist you with resources that are geared toward your age group and background. There’s no judgment and it’s funded by donations and volunteers. This isn’t the first time you’ve posted that you’re suicidal and I’ve noticed when offered advice or support, you often respond later along these lines: “I’m fine now, nothing to worry about.” If you keep asking for help, but reject it when it’s offered, eventually folks will stop offering.


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## letters and numbers

I’ve called the suicide hotline before. A couple of times, for myself and because I needed advice for how to talk to people in my life. It’s an amazing service. The people who answer the phones have a calling. It’s only scary until you get that other person on the line, then things start to chill. Thank you, Donna, that’s a really perfect piece of advice.


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