# FA and anorexic?



## nerdFA (Sep 12, 2018)

Reading the thread about "is it hypocritical to be thin while liking fat" prompted me to ask this question. Is it hypocritical to be anorexic and an FA?

I've dealt with anorexia for many years now, and although in the past year or so I've gotten a lot better (thanks in part to my amazing girlfriend ), the fact is I am still an anorexic FA. I have no idea how both of these conditions can coexist, but they do. From time to time I do fantasize about gaining weight myself, but 90% of the time I'm afraid of gaining any weight, and sometimes even try to lose weight, despite being underweight. Meanwhile I am strongly attracted to fat women and am dating a beautiful girl who weighs sixty pounds more than me (while being nine inches shorter). 

It's a constant emotional turmoil for me really. Over the course of the day I might go back and forth all the time between have anorexic feelings, having normal thoughts, and dreaming about gaining weight. 

Has anyone else dealt with this, or am I basically alone here?


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## Tad (Sep 13, 2018)

Not something I know from personal experience, but I know that several of the FFA who have posted here over the years have had a history of ED. (Likely some of the male FA have had them as well, but guys are less likely to talk about such things and less likely to recognize it for what it is in the first place.)

And there is NOTHING hypocritical about it. How you feel about other bodies and how you feel about your own do not need to be related at all. (On the other hand if you were all "I don't know why you can't relax about your body" while struggling with issues yourself, that might be hypocrisy)


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## loopytheone (Sep 13, 2018)

Just to let you know, you are far from alone there. I know both male and female FAs that have had anorexic/EDs and its something I've struggled with myself.

I think you know what the advice most of us would give is, to get all the help and support you can to overcome your eating disorder. The thoughts and feelings from it can be intrusive and hard to get over but you can do it.

There's nothing hypocritical about liking fat people and having an eating disorder. It is absolutely something you should try and tackle to the best of your ability though, for your own sake and the sake of people who care about you.


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## y2kboris1 (Sep 13, 2018)

nerdFA said:


> Reading the thread about "is it hypocritical to be thin while liking fat" prompted me to ask this question. Is it hypocritical to be anorexic and an FA?
> 
> I've dealt with anorexia for many years now, and although in the past year or so I've gotten a lot better (thanks in part to my amazing girlfriend ), the fact is I am still an anorexic FA. I have no idea how both of these conditions can coexist, but they do. From time to time I do fantasize about gaining weight myself, but 90% of the time I'm afraid of gaining any weight, and sometimes even try to lose weight, despite being underweight. Meanwhile I am strongly attracted to fat women and am dating a beautiful girl who weighs sixty pounds more than me (while being nine inches shorter).
> 
> ...



nerdFA YES! Oh thank God I am not alone. I'm glad to see even my OT/OP sparked more discussion. I have felt too all my life that it is odd in some circumstances to be attracted to one thing, but then be completely at odds wanting to be the opposite. I can't say for absolute certain that I suffer anywhere near the same level of body dysmorphia that you do, but it is something that has always bugged me. Every so often I get the urge to go on an epic "get back in shape-athon" and the vast majority of the time I am more than successful. People usually comment afterwards though they'll be like Jeff (real name) you look sickly man. We can see your veins and arteries; your skin is translucent, you *really* should eat something. Happens over and over for me. I'd definitely say your not alone, and I'd definitely say if it is that severe for you then yes maybe you should get help man. Thankfully for me, I have never gotten to that point but we have yet to see...


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## squeezablysoft (Sep 14, 2018)

I'm struggling with something similar, I've never been diagnosed with a full-blown eating disorder but I do have some attitudes and eating habits that I could see leading in that direction. For me it's about the conflict between what I personally find attractive and the desire to match my own ideal image, versus knowing at the same time that the society surrounding me upholds a completely different idea of beauty and the desire to be found attractive and likeable by others.

Of course there is more to it even than that, it's not just about how I look, there's stuff like wanting to be in control of my body, it's size and shape and appetites and wanting praise for perfecting that, but also wanting to completely give in to my bodily desires and accept, even love it just the way it is and not care about what anyone else thinks. There's the weird twisted guilt and shame about being fat and about eating, but also the sense of rebellious identity and even a sexual thrill in being the gluttonous fatty. There's the desire to be seen and admired as a sex object versus the desire to be acknowledged and accepted for my non-physical qualities versus the desire to not be seen at all, to just be invisible and disappear. It's about my relationship with my body, my sexuality, food, other ppl, and a million other things. 

Humans be complicated, and it's virtually impossible to grow up in a first world nation today, with the constant bombardment of conflicting messages, and not end up with a confused relationship towards food and body image. And then being an F/FA on top of all that just adds more layers to the whole situation.

I made a post about it here: https://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/threads/self-body-image-as-an-f-fa.126058/


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## y2kboris1 (Sep 14, 2018)

squeezablysoft said:


> I'm struggling with something similar, I've never been diagnosed with a full-blown eating disorder but I do have some attitudes and eating habits that I could see leading in that direction. For me it's about the conflict between what I personally find attractive and the desire to match my own ideal image, versus knowing at the same time that the society surrounding me upholds a completely different idea of beauty and the desire to be found attractive and likeable by others.
> 
> Of course there is more to it even than that, it's not just about how I look, there's stuff like wanting to be in control of my body, it's size and shape and appetites and wanting praise for perfecting that, but also wanting to completely give in to my bodily desires and accept, even love it just the way it is and not care about what anyone else thinks. There's the weird twisted guilt and shame about being fat and about eating, but also the sense of rebellious identity and even a sexual thrill in being the gluttonous fatty. There's the desire to be seen and admired as a sex object versus the desire to be acknowledged and accepted for my non-physical qualities versus the desire to not be seen at all, to just be invisible and disappear. It's about my relationship with my body, my sexuality, food, other ppl, and a million other things.
> 
> ...



Interesting I'll have to look into that. Pretty much you summed how I felt about it to more or less extent. It seems as though society has a terrible tendency to make everyone feel as though everyone else's wants or needs are more important than their (your) own. There's this youtuber I watch and he quoted another more famous quoter Rabbi Hillel and it goes something like this: 


"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when? Rabbi" Hillel

... the basic sentiment being that you can't always be a wellspring jumping to everyone *else's* beck and call, however in life if your too selfish to ever help or be willing to please others it's a pretty shallow life to live. I think though in our society the polarity is too high. Every time I look around I either see people unwilling to oblige any good deed, and then those who essentially burn themselves out trying to help others.


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## extra_m13 (Dec 9, 2018)

well, with all due respect and humillity when it comes to the human mind only very few people can make informed opinions. in my case i can only say that in some way i understand the situation at hand. without getting to that point i find myself in a situation where i want my partner to gain but i am not really ok with the idea of getting fat. to have her same BMI i would need to gain more than 40 kilos and that it's just not happening, instead i want her to gain more weight, unfair? probably, true? yes... that is just the way things are and we and i need to deal with it


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