# Moving on - by agouderia (~BHM, ~~WG, Romance)



## agouderia (Nov 27, 2009)

_~BHM, ~~WG, Romance_ - a journalist moves on to a new life he finds in the US


*Moving on
by agouderia*​
*[Authors note:]* This is the first story I have ever had the nerve to post ... and somehow its characters have "expanded" into more of a small novella. This is European part 1 - I would appreciate some feedback whether the US part 2 could be worthwhile. Thank you for your patience with the long text!


*Part 1  Yo-yo-ing*

My name is Ulrich Rheinstein. Born 1972 in a small town in Northern Germany, I work as a journalist for one of my countries most prestigious magazine companies. And I am fat.

Is the latter really important? Absolutely. The way I look, my weight is just as much part of my biography as my name, profession and age. It defines how I am perceived in public, how my colleagues see me, my status among women and  unfortunately  also my sex life. And it makes no sense beating around the bush  that big round protuberance in the middle of my body is no great help.

For instance, I do not like stairs because I get out of breath so quickly and my prematurely aged knees start to ache. I try to avoid eating on the street because I feel like people are looking at me like they would at the addict crouching in the dirty alley ready to set his next shot of heroin. My self esteem decreases proportionally to my increasing BMI and I try to make myself as small as possible in public. Which does not work by the way, my belly doesnt shrink one inch.

Every day I have to walk a quarter of a mile from the main building of my publishing house to our cafeteria  a quarter of a mile during which many people cross my way. And roughly 80 percent of all people first look at my belly and then at my face. Its not their fault  after all it is my most prominent feature.

In lucid moments though, I know that there is an alternative  Ive been there, I know what it is like to be considerably thinner, with only one chin and just the hint of a belly. For roughly twenty years, avidly playing football or soccer as you call it in the US, as well as a number of other ball games along with biking to school and university kept me from gaining weight.

That is how I compensated that I always a) really liked eating, b) really liked eating a lot and c) really liked eating a lot of the wrong foods.

I was in good shape, even though I grew up in a family were butter cream cakes, fried potatoes and beef roles with bacon filling were staples. At home, a balanced diet always consisted of homemade apple cake with whipped cream.

Until I reached my mid twenties, my metabolism was fine with this, I was a  by local standards  short 59 and muscular 180 pounds with only the slightest hint of a belly.

Then  literally over night  my life changed: My then girlfriend, now wife got pregnant and I started working night shifts in the harbor to earn enough money for us. The combination of work, study plus parenting left no more time for sports  resulting in a massive weight gain.

It started during Sabines pregnancy  our bellies grew in synch. Sabines disappeared  mine stayed on and continued growing. It took me about a year to cross the magical 100kg/220 pounds mark and I did not even keep track of where it went from there.

One afternoon when my son was about five years old Sabine and I sat down over a plate of Danish pastries to look at pictures from our last vacation in Southern Italy. Browsing through them I saw a cute little boy playing in the sand, a lovely petite brunette in a stylish bikini and . Moby Dick stranded on Sicily. No, wrong, that was not a whale. That must have been me. Or at least a guy who shared certain features with mewith the addition of an absurdly large belly, three chins and chipmunk cheeks. Silently I cursed, that couldnt be me! The next picture showed me in a tent like T-shirt after climbing a steep hill up to a monastery, all sweaty and visibly out of breath.

Looking up at Sabine, I wanted to say something but could not utter a word  all she did was look at me with pity and understanding in her eyes. The Danish between us were never touched. 

Instead I went into the bath room and pulled out the scale and stepped on it: 118 kilos/ 262 pounds  and went off to join Weight Watchers the same evening.

I learned to eat healthier, started running and playing soccer again  and half a year later weighed in at 85 kg/187 pounds. It felt good, I was content  and let nature take its course again. A year later I was back up to 245 pounds and dieted back down to 200 pounds, a lot of it muscle.

Then came the fateful day 3 years ago when I entered our bathroom to find Sabine clearly primping for a party.

Hey  didnt know you were going out?

Um  yeah, she responded without turning her gaze from the mirror.

And where are you going?

Did you forget  its Heikes birthday today. 

Oops, she was right . Every year we were invited to her elementary school best friend Heikes birthday, always the same crowd of people, the same delicious Turkish deli food  

Wait a second . Im not invited?

Of course you are. But Im going alone this time. 

But why?

Have you looked into the mirror lately? Let alone gotten on a scale? Youre letting yourself go again. Im tired of these constant ups-and-downs. To be quite frank: Im slightly embarrassed by your appearance when were out together in public.

 Embarrassed? Youre ashamed of me?

She had finished applying lip stick and looked at me for the first time during this bizarre dialogue. Yes, Im ashamed. And even worse  I feel cheated.

Wait a second. I never even look . 

That is not what I mean! she exclaimed while slapping my belly. I feel cheated out of the strong but thin Ulrich I fell in love with. The Ulrich you used to be and could be again. Any idea where he is these days? Id love to take him to the party.

Ouch  that really hurt. Fair only in so far that she clearly did not keep her opinions her herself. She always favored the very traditional German direct approach  telling me that she found me attractive as long as my body stayed within certain limits. She was fine with powerfully built men, but drew the line with fat men. A few extra kilos were okay, but my current weight was way above that. From her point of view, my burgeoning weight showed a lack of respect for her, she suffered psychologically from my weight gain. How I could have forgotten this element in the framework of our relationship again? 

As soon as the door closed behind Sabine, I got on the scale  240 pounds, a number on the scale I had never wanted to get to again. In a split second, I realized how much in denial I had been over the past months: Trying to hide my belly by hunching my shoulders. Secretly eating bags of chips at night. Not noticing that I mindlessly consumed my colleagues chocolate that he left on our meeting room table. Reducing exercise to a minimum. Not even being able to remember, when Sabine and I had had sex for the last time. The uncomfortable, sub-conscious feeling that people on the street first stared at my belly. And now worst of all  coming home to a seriously alienated spouse, who had all the good arguments about health and looks on her side. This time I swore I was going to change something for good.

Going public was my solution: I went to my editor with a proposal to write a male dieting blog about Kilo Combat, my experiences with trying to lose weight and the strongly female targeted weight loss industry. 

My diet project was a success: Not only did I, in a painstaking up and down of 16 months, manage to lose the 20 kilos/45 lbs. down to 90 kg/198 lbs. but my weight loss blog was my biggest professional success. I wrote about everything I tried out and worked with to get rid of my belly: Weight Watchers, community college health food cooking classes, yoga fasting, personal nutritionist coaching, ayurveda hiking, psychotherapy, auto-suggestion, low fat, low carb, high protein diets, exercise regimes, etc. .. holiday set backs with too much too good German Christmas bakery.. 

Every week I got hundreds of responses to my blog, most of them supportive, some of them full of Schadenfreude over my set backs, good advice, absurd advice, useless advice, diet know-it-alls and a lot of understanding from the many brothers and sisters in the endless suffering of yo-yo dieting. 

And then, my editor suggested turning the blog into a male diet self-help book, which was not only published, but rather well received and even made it onto the national bestseller list. It looked like I had made it: I was in decent shape again, I was a recognized respected author  my favorite colleague and one of my best friends, Birger, who runs a journalist & author blog platform, even published a column on how he tried not to be too envious of my success.

The only thing I was not really 100% sure of: How did Sabine view my success and its effects on our relationship? Sure, she was supportive enough  but she was neither enthusiastic nor overtly involved. 
Shortly after reaching my magic 90 kg mark, we went on a wedding day mini break to lovely Lake Garda in northern Italy: We stayed in a elegant 19th century villa hotel directly on the lake, explored the scenery and sights, ate the delicious local fare  me staying clear of pasta and risotto, trying to stick to salad and grilled fish and chicken, only an occasional sip of the wonderful Bardolino wine grown in the region. 

One morning before having breakfast on the sunny terrace overlooking the lake and the nearby southern part of the Alps, I gave myself a good hard in the mirror while shaving: The man I saw was slightly tanned, a bit of the hefty side  but in my eyes could no longer be called fat.

Sabine?  I called out, what do you think  do I still look fat?

Sabine came in from the terrace and joined me in front of the mirror. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders: No, you dont look fat right now. You look strong, fit and well . Okay, nice. 

See, I told you I could get back in shape, hiding my disappointment over her lukewarm response. I hope you would take me along to a party now.

Uli - that is not the point, Sabine retorted with an annoyed wave of her hand. You get enough gushing and acclaim for your current weight loss  you dont need mine right now. Its just . weve been down this road before: You diet, lose weight, get in shape, make a 1000 vows that this time its for real  and then  a few months later all I can do is watch your waistline expand again after you lay off the exercise and your eating habits get back out of control again. You wont receive my whole-hearted praise until your weight is still the same in a years time.

Admittedly that left me at a loss for words. I promise, this time it is different. People will watch me; I have to stay fit to promote my book. Ive learned so much about a healthy lifestyle I responded in a rather lame self-defense. 

Oh sure, Sabine said, turned and walked out to the terrace. Lets have breakfast, Im hungry and need a coffee. And we have time until next year before really talking about your commitment to staying in shape.

Slightly mollified, I joined her, pushing a gnawing self-doubt to the back of my mind, concentrating on cappuccino in the sunshine and my newly acquired self-confidence that this time was indeed going to be different.

Needless to say Sabine was right. My first appearances on TV and radio shows to promote my book went well. I was the convincing image of a man who had learned his lesson on how to lead a healthy life and was not thin, but in good shape. Things started to go back downhill  or uphill, whichever way you want to see it - when I went on the 2 month promotion tour through regional book stores: It meant having to go out of my way to exercise instead of browsing through book stores, museums and coffee shops and even worse fighting off the culinary temptations of the various regions: Bavarian Knödel, in autumn with delicious wild mushroom sauces, red wine and home-made Spätzle noodles with cheese in the Swabian south-west, fine white Rhine wine with hearty meat dishes . Let alone my weakness for sampling the variety of local beers or preparing evening presentations in well assorted pastry shops .

The following holiday season finished off the job: One cold grey morning in early January Sabine caught me in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, munching down the final piece of her fantastic poppy seed Christmas bread with my coffee. She didnt say anything, just looked straight at my middle. And there it was again, sticking out proud and round, already pushing down the waistband of my pants  my belly. Embarrassment flooded in me, I quickly stood straight and sucked in my stomach  to no avail, the big round curve would not go away. I swallowed hard and went into the bath room. Sure enough, there in the mirror, bellys little friend, the slight double chin was back too. Bracing myself for the worst, I pulled out the scale: 100,2 kg/220 lbs. it blinked. 

Naturally Sabine was not the only one who noticed. Just a few days later, my colleague Silke after a birthday Kaffee & Kuchen session in the office gave my then well-filled belly an affectionate pat and coo-ed: Look whos back! We almost missed the cuddly growing fellow! I blushed furiously, but the others in the office just laughed good naturedly or shrugged their shoulders. The readers of my blog also noticed the difference in the most recent video installments and gave me some shit, but most of it was sympathetic and understanding, since many people could relate to the depressing reality of yo-yo dieting. 

Birger, my tall, naturally reed thin, colleague and best friend, said a few weeks later when I was venting my frustration after a few too many beers and a lost soccer match. Stop it, Uli, dont be so hard on yourself. There are more important things in your life than your weight. As adults, we all have to face the fact that there just are some things we are never going to be good at, no matter how hard we try. Look at me; I have resigned to the fact that I am never going to pass the drivers license test here in Germany. My brain-body coordination just doesnt work in sync with their requirements. And by the way, that is about 1000 times more embarrassing for me as a German male than your handsome beer belly, which is the standard accessory of 65% of all German men according to recent statistics.

Yeah, but Sabine wants me to be one of the 35 % minority. I tried to interject, but Birger was not done yet. 

Uli, you know Im your friend. Ive been around all these past 10 yo-yo years. Stop wasting your energy on dieting  that just is the one thing you are not good at, basta. Use your energy and creativity for something productive, for one of the many things you are great at. So now to the important stuff  What about this new project you mentioned, writing your first novel?

Birger made that point  and I told him about the project of a novel that had formed in my head after the success of my diet book and which my publisher was strongly encouraging me to pursue. So far, I had only written fiction for fun, as an outlet for my imagination, but now I saw a chance of taking a serious go at it with a story which had developed around my 2 favorite subjects in life: women and soccer.

But all this positive reinforcement and the fact that I was psychically feeling fine could not make me overlook Sabines pointed glances and  so I increasingly felt  almost hostile silence. It had always taken her a while to start commenting on my weight, but from a certain point onward she would start to nag, clear the fridge and cupboards of none diet-conform foods, leave the scale out in the middle of the bedroom. This time, she did not say or do anything. Both being talkers, we still talked  about everyday and menial things. But we no longer spoke to each other, about ourselves, our relationship, my weight. 

Lacking the strength and motivation to start a serious diet again, I alternated between a few days of crash dieting and binging, my weight fluctuating 2-3 kgs/4-6 lbs around the 100kg/220lbs mark. Knowing the argument was against me, I subconsciously steered clear of the discussion of my weight gain with Sabine, unsure whether this was a way of improving or worsening the situation. But I could not help feeling that we were constantly drifting further apart.

Our sex life seemed to vanish into oblivion  Sabine excelled in artfully avoiding my overtures at intimacy without being too blandly rejecting. 

Then Sabines birthday was in sight  and I came up with a plan to revive our relationship and love life. In preparation, I took dieting more seriously and actually got down to 96 kg, fitting back into one of my better suits, just 7 kg/15 lbs above my wedding weight. To celebrate the evening, I organized for our son to stay over with a friend from school, booked a table in a great restaurant and even a small suite in one of the loveliest, freshly refurbished historic hotels in town, right on the waterfront. 

Despite a terrible rain storm, the evening went well from my point of view. We had the small private alcove above the water to ourselves. Dinner was very tasty and service discreet. We were laughing and giggling together more than I remembered of late. 

In retrospect, though, the champagne as an aperitif had not only loosened our tongues but also my inhibitions about eating heartily. Not until later did I realize that  somehow making up for having strongly restricted my appetite and intake beforehand  not only did we get two refills of the bread basket, but also that I finished the leftovers of Sabines main course as well as insisting on getting two desserts, of which I probably ate three-quarters.

When we got up to leave I became fully aware of how stuffed I was, stifling a belch, with all buttons straining over my taught belly and the waistband cutting into me very uncomfortably. Trying to cover up the evidence of my gluttony with my coat, I pulled Sabine into a tight embrace while we got into the taxi to go to the hotel, gently playing with her hair and kissing her neck during the ride. 

Since I had picked up the key earlier, we could go to our suite directly, where I had made all the necessary reservations: Jacuzzi, candle-light, champagne, flowers and  swimming in a small play Gondola in the Jacuzzi  my birthday present: An extended spa and fashion weekend in Venetia over the May holidays.

Sabine did seem very pleased, she gave me a deep tender kiss and then turned to play with the Gondola and read all the details of the trip. From behind, I pulled her close, cupping her small breasts, nuzzling her neck and rubbing her firm buttocks against me, while slowly unbuttoning her blouse. By this time, I had a major erection and my too tight pants were killing me. 

To avoid all embarrassments, I had made sure the lights were dim so Sabine would not get an all too clear view of my body  and while carefully undressing her and steering her back into the bedroom, I made sure to undress myself, so she wouldnt notice how snug my clothes were. Yet I had underestimated how extremely tight my pants were  at least way too tight to open them with only one free hand. So I had to break the contact with Sabine, take both hands and struggle to unhook my straining waistband under my full belly. Naturally Sabine noticed, raised her eyebrows and sighed  not exactly erotic. 

Why dont you open the bottle of champagne? I murmured to distract her while frantically trying to pull down my pants.

No thank you, Ive had enough to drink for one evening, Sabine denied and with a pointed glace added, Are you sure you need anymore? Too much is normally not very helpful, you know.

This unkind remark couldnt faze me out, though; I was wild about melting into every part of her, so I sat on the bed, kicked off my pants and pulled her down hard on my lap, just so she could feel how badly I wanted her. I licked her nipples until they were hard, and then looked up into her face, kissing her deeply, longingly. Sabine pushed me back onto my back, raising herself to straddle me. In that moment it happened  my full belly, no longer painfully sucked in, pushed far out, revealing deep red marks were my pants had cut into my flesh and I had to belch heavily.

God, Uli  cant you even control your eating on my birthday! Sabine exclaimed, getting off of me. 

Sorry, I murmured thoroughly humiliated. Come back to me, Ill make it up to you, trying to draw her back down to me.

But Sabine had already shifted away and sat on the edge of the bed, shaking her head. Ulrich, this is not going to work  you know full well that your overstuffed belly turns me off completely! If you clearly planned a romantic evening like this, dont you at least have the good sense to limit yourself to a normal portion? Just thinking of the amount you ate at the restaurant makes me sick!

By this time Sabine had gotten up and was pulling her clothes back on.

But it was a special birthday dinner. I tried to protest. Please give me another chance; I know how to make you feel good.

Sorry Ulrich, Im too exhausted for this. I think its better for both of us if I sleep in my own bed. Thank you for the lovely present, that is a great idea and Im really looking forward to going. Good night!

After the door closed behind Sabine, I fell back on the bed  and it took me a few minutes to realize that all there was was the deep, dull pain of rejection. My classic male reaction of dealing with it was to watch soccer on the sports channel while drinking as much as I could handle  the whole bottle of birthday champagne, all the liquor plus all snacks in the mini-bar  before more or less passing out sometime in the middle of the night.


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## agouderia (Nov 27, 2009)

*Part 2  Breaking up*

Waking up alone, with a terrible hang over in the stylish hotel room the next morning, I felt completely empty except for a hollow ache in the pit of my stomach. Facing Sabine, the colleagues in the office, my regular everyday life seemed impossible. Since I had an assignment in Cologne a day later, I drove home, took a long shower, packed a small bag, left Sabine a note and got on the next train heading to the Rhineland. 

The next two days of interviewing and on sight research passed in a blur, fortunately I had well prepared my questionnaire and taped as much and took as many pictures as I could to be able to at least reconstruct what I had found out since it did not sink into my befuddled brain.

On the train back, the feeling of cold dread in my insides rose with every kilometer closer to home. I was simply clueless as to what to do. Apologize  for what exactly? Diet ?  As known, no immediate or long-term success, charred by lack of credibility. Go to marriage counseling?  That might be worth looking into. Find out whether Sabine was having an affair? No, I did not want to know the answer to that one. 

When I got home, the apartment was quiet and Sabine was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. Welcome back, Uli. Hope you had a good trip, she said rather formally. I think I owe you an apology. I ruined the birthday surprise you had planned for me  that wasnt fair. Im sincerely sorry; I didnt want to hurt you.

Instinctively I moved over to her, wanting to take her into my arms, accept her apology in a reconciling embrace and kiss. But I stopped short when she remained seated with a composed and abrasive expression on her face. 

Ok, thanks for the apology. I should maybe have asked you beforehand what you would have liked to do for your birthday, not all surprises hit the mark, I tried to make amends, sitting down on a easy chair across from her, sensing there was more to come. 

Sabine took a deep breath and continued: Ulrich, I hate to say this, but right now I feel we are at a dead end. You dont seem to care what is important for me anymore . And I vice-versa can no longer relate to what makes you tick. Im worn out by these constant up-and-downs with your weight and commitment to our relationship. We maybe should just take a break; get a new perspective on life and on us with a little time-off away from each other.

Just then my stomach let out a hungry growl  fair enough since I had been too upset to eat all day, which was saying a lot for me. See what I mean, Sabine shook her head. Your belly always gets the better over your mind.

Sabine - that is not true, I just forgot to eat today, I was hoping to have dinner with you, noticing how pathetic and unrealistic this sounded. Youre not being fair if you constantly mix up my commitment to our relationship with my weight. There is nothing on this planet I am more devoted to than you and André. Im just not good at keeping my weight in check, but I try over and over again, you cant seriously say Im not trying. Im less than 100 kg right now, its not that bad. Ill go back to my nutritionist tomorrow, get a new diet chart if you want me too, cringing at the desperation in my voice.

Ulrich, its no use, weve been through this once too often. I dont trust you any more as far as it comes to staying in shape . And in my opinion, that makes our entire relationship go out of shape. Please, I need a break from you and your yo-yo dieting!

I was completely stricken, not knowing what to say  except that no matter what I said, she wouldnt believe me because indeed I had broken the promise to keep my weight in check at least once too often. Since she didnt say anything more, I broke the silence after maybe endless five minutes: So what exactly do you suggest we do right now?

Sabine looked up: I think we both need some space. The suggestion I have is unfair to you, I know, but in contrast to me, you have an easy alternative here in the region. Could you move out, maybe into your parents guest apartment, and leave this one to me and André for the time being?

Are you having an affair? I did have to get rid of this question now.

No, of course not! Its more about my own private space just for me, without you or any other man in it.

For how long do you want me to move out? How much time do you need to find out whether we can still make it together? Do you think marriage counseling might help, you know, for both of us? My life suddenly turned into one big question mark.

So you would be willing to move out temporarily? Thank you so much, Uli . That is what I have always loved about you, that we can really talk about everything! Sabine exclaimed, showing a small smile. I dont know how long this would be, shall we say half a year and then see how things are?

Somehow, I was unable to offer any resistance. Whatever, 6 months. When do you want me to move out  right away? 

No please, that is not necessary. How about next weekend? And by the way, Ill think about the idea with marriage counseling, you might have a point there.

But I couldnt stand it any longer, the idea of staying with Sabine in the same apartment was unbearable, close to her and yet all alone  I needed human warmth right now, food, drink, a warm bed

I immediately called my parents and asked whether I could still come out for dinner and stay the night, leaving an upset Sabine behind. 

Uli, you dont have to run out like this. Stay here, we can take it slowly, its fine if you stay on until the end of the month.

All I did though was grab my small suitcase and leave, shaking my head, unable to formulate what was going on inside of me

My mother instinctively had realized that something was terribly wrong, because when I got to my parents house, she had already made a huge portion of one of my favorite dishes  meat balls with mushroom sauce and mashed potatoes  and my father opened a bottle of our best red wine. They didnt ask questions, just produced all the warmth and comfort I needed, their cat Maxi curling up in my lap and purring. It was not until I was under the hot shower with a very full belly that the tears came. 

Over an abundant breakfast next morning  I had slept surprisingly well; the red wine and the warm cat in my bed saw to that  I confessed to my mother what had happened, and that I was completely at a loss of what to do now.

Naturally  that is how mothers must react  she was very sympathetic: Im so sorry Uli. You and Sabine have been through really difficult times, it seems so absurd for you to break up over such trivia when everything is going so well in your professional and personal lives. Is Sabine having an affair?

She says no. 

Well maybe it is true, youve been together for a long time and it does make some sense that she needs a little time and space of her own. Your father and I went through such a phase too after your sister started university. But naming your weight gain as the reason is ridiculous. You know Ive never been a big fan of Sabine, she is too stand-offish for my liking  but she has been a good wife and mother together with you. I had never imagined her to be so shallow and appearance-fixated. 

I fear it is all my fault  but is being fat such a crime? Getting my marriage back on track means another diet, and sticking to it . I dont know whether that really is the solution or whether I can handle it right now.

Darling, dont berate yourself, youre not that heavy by normal standards. Sabine has more of a tolerance problem than you have a weight problem. First of all, you can of course stay here in the downstairs guest apartment as long as you like  your father and I are happy to have you with us. And you can commute to your office from here rather easily  its only a direct 40 minute ride with the regional train. Now let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. What would you like for dinner?

So I took the regional train to the office in semi-stupor and got through the work I had to do, not looking left and right. The following days were no better; somehow I survived them on automatic mode, feeling only up to getting the immediate requirements done. Strangely enough for me, I couldnt even eat  my stomach was locked by a solid cold, heavy block of concrete, managing only a bare minimum of the favorite dishes my mother put in front of me every evening.

To make things worse, Birger as my best friend/colleague was out of town this week on assignment, so I had no one I wanted to talk to around. When Sabine contacted me via e-mail asking how I was and want my next plans were, I wrote back that I would move my things out of our apartment next Sunday. Parallel I SMS-ed Birger asking him to help me move things out. He was not only a big help on organizing a VW bus and a lot of empty boxes, but provided the open ear and unspoken understanding I needed. 

Somewhere down the line, over beers in a break during the move, he did throw in his five cents. Look Uli, take this as a chance to re-position yourself in your relationship with Sabine. Unless she is completely nuts, which she is not, in my opinion, because she is a nice girl, she will see what you are worth  maybe even better from a certain distance. But you have to change your attitude towards yourself. You cant expect Sabine to accept your weight if you dont accept it yourself. And if you dont do that, Sabine will always have an unfair upper hand in your relationship. Jeez  Ill never forget how she actually postponed your wedding twice because you were too heavy for her groom standards! You should have stopped giving into such shit a long time ago!

Easy for you to say, you are under- not overweight, I retorted bitterly, not willing to pursue the topic, picking up another box instead. 

The physical activity of moving my things out of our apartment, of hauling boxes and assembling book shelves, sorting through papers served to shake me out of my stupor. I wrote Sabine that I agreed to a temporary separation until the end of the year, when we could reassess our marriage and that André and I would arrange our contact on our own. Then André and I had the necessary father-and-son talk, which was more of a monologue on my behalf. 

Back at work, I wrote three new proposals and got two overdue assignments finished. Finally I went to the 100th anniversary of my childhood soccer club and got as horribly drunk as I ever had in my life. 

Unfortunately, all of these activities unleashed my appetite again  from my short crisis of semi-fasting I went seamlessly to excessive comfort eating. Four meals a day with a lot of Kaffee& Kuchen  sampling all of the new offers in the local bakeries and pastry shops around - in die afternoon turned into standard, plus a lot of snacking while writing away at my desk. The only exercise I got were short walks up on the dike where I spent most time just sitting in the grass, staring at the ships on the river and writing notes. 

Naturally, my belly expanded again so fast I could almost watch it growing  bigger, rounder, sticking out further every day. When shaving every morning, I could watch the double chin swell out more and more, while my face grew rounder and rounder, my clothes tighter and tighter. But while my intellectual brain told me about 3 times a day that I should diet, because it was good for me, healthy, socially acceptable and the only way to get Sabine back, my belly brain cried out for more food almost constantly. And my belly brain ruled stronger than ever in this situation - I only felt like my normal self, not like an empty cask, when my belly was warm and full, only then did I have the feeling that I literally had enough fuel to go on. 

The day I had only two pairs of pants left I could fasten under my belly and no dress shirts without straining buttons, I gave in and assessed the damage on the scale. It blinked 106kg/233 lbs, up 11kg/24 lbs in only 6 weeks from the relatively low 95kg/209 lbs pre-birthday dieting and crisis fasting had produced. Disastrously, this was the day I was to meet up with Sabine and André for a show event at Andrés school. During lunch break, I bought a new dress shirt and jacket, hoping to hide the worst. 

Sabine of course was not fooled. Looks like somebody is taking his diet commitment really seriously, she greeted me, her voice heavy with irony. 

All sorts of responses bubbled up inside me, like it was her fault I was in such a state, that she was being unfair, that I would make it by the end of the year . But out came only a vague, Whatever, things could be worse. on which Sabine gave me a strange look, before the presentations started and we had to be quiet.

Small comfort was that friends, even Sabines and my joint friends, were all extremely supportive and nobody really sided with her. I noticed how far this went when I had a toothache and went to see our family dentist Christiane, a childhood neighborhood playmate of Sabines. I was slightly apprehensive in going to see her, but Christiane greeted me with a warm hug and as soon as I was settled in the chair with my mouth wide open and could no longer respond, she launched into a lengthy tirade. 

What exactly is ailing Sabine? She breaks up with you just because you weigh 100 kg? Heike, Annette and I have tried to talk some sense into her, but she just keeps stating it shows your lack of commitment to your relationship. In my opinion, this just shows that you two have never had any real relationship problems because she wouldnt recognize one if she ever saw it! 

Look at me, my first husband was a handsome, entertaining and well-off lawyer  and a bi-sexual cheat who had 2 boyfriends and 5 mistresses during the span of our 3 year marriage. Husband number two  by the way, did I already tell you that I finally got the divorce 3 weeks ago?  was the laziest guy on the face of the earth. Too lazy to do any bread-winning for us, or to help with the household chores or at least to entertain me. in the end, he was too lazy to even talk to me! 

Now you have always worked your ass off to ensure a decent family income, youre professionally successful, youre faithful, youre a good and committed father . And because of your work at the magazine, you can even talk girl talk. Now open up a little wider.. What else does Sabine want? Do a few more pounds literally .. Careful now, this might hurt . Outweigh all of that? Im positive shell really regret her behavior. There  thats it. Now you can sit up and rinse.

Despite my now numb face, I managed a weak smile and hugged Christiane good-bye. Thank you so much for your treatment. It really helped  in every respect. 

Anytime. Let me know if you need anything, be it dental or whatever, Christiane responded warmly. And take good care of yourself.

Still, I was fighting mounting frustration and depression. Living with your parents again after over fifteen years of having your own adult household is not exactly a confidence booster. Fighting every morning to get into too tight clothes, popping buttons and ruining zippers does not rank high of the feel good scale. Seeing that you can only manage routine work and no longer come up with any creative ideas is asking for an inferiority complex. But not knowing whether you still have your own family makes you feel completely lost, it takes away all sense of meaning and purpose in your life. Sabine kept strictly to herself, limiting contact to necessary technicalities, giving me no clue as to how her disposition towards our marriage was developing  and looking back, I did not pursue contact either for sheer fear of getting a definite no  its over, from her. 

After a particularly icy encounter with Sabine over our tax returns I even vented my frustration on my mother, who had prepared her prized Goulash with home-made dumplings as a consolation for me, yelling at her that she was doing everything to make me even fatter, no wonder nobody wanted anything to do with me anymore, slamming the door and sitting out on the dike in the rain for hours. 

Full of remorse, I apologized the next evening, bringing home a huge flower bouquet and a set of the best French luxury cosmetics my colleagues in the beauty department had in stock. 

My mother surprised me in turn with a small portion of fish and salad and a new menu print out from my dietician. Look Uli, I understand youre incredibly hurt and frustrated  and youre not really mad at me. I am willing to support you in every possible way - so I called your dietician up today and asked for one of your plans. If thats what you want, Ill be happy to cook diet cuisine for you. If you want traditional family soul food  thats fine with me, too. But you have to make up your mind what you want to do .. And do your own part to some consequence. Otherwise nobody can help you.

When a soccer friend of mine got a one year contract in Berlin and offered me use of his apartment in the meantime, I grasped the opportunity to move back out from my parents. The apartment was a gorgeous loft style studio in a downtown harbor location, partly overlooking the water. Furnished in cool, upscale designer fashion  not my own personal taste, admittedly, but very nice - and only a 10 minute bike ride from my office. Despite my good relationship with my parents and their trying hard to keep out of my life, I needed this step to feel half-way grown-up and self-sufficient again  able to overcome my problems. So suddenly I lived alone for the first time in my life  no parents, no family of my own. Just me . 

Out of the blue, my mother asked me whether I could spare sometime over the May holidays season to go down south to Lake Constance to help out my elder sister Astrid whose husband was ill. Astrid and I had never been very close, being six years apart, she was always the archetypical big, bossy sister  made even worse by the fact that she is exactly my height, making her tall as a women while I am a short man. Distance had added to this, since she has been living at the other end of the country for over ten years, working at a Swiss bank in Zurich with a home across the border on the German side of lovely Lake Constance. My mother had told me that her husband Peter had been severely ill with some sort of virus infection, but I admittedly had not kept up with the details recently.

On getting off the boat in Constance, Astrid uncharacteristically flew into my arms and clung to me wordlessly, finally saying. Oh Uli, Im so glad you could come. I was so sorry to hear of your break-up with Sabine. How is André doing? Even more surprising, she did not comment on my round middle, since in the past she had often pitched in to Sabines teasing - and the last time I had been down here was when I was promoting my diet book, and I had been noticeably thinner then.

The reason for her subdued manner dawned on me when we arrived at their house and her husband Peter greeted me. Peter was tall, about 15cm/6 taller than me and had always been on the chubby side; not as heavy as I was in comparison to our heights, but plump and with a promising belly. Now he was so thin, he looked transparent and seemed very frail. As Astrid explained, he had contracted some sort of virus which had lead to a major myocarditis, had been in intensive care for some weeks and now was recuperating only very slowly  their underlying fear was, that permanent damage had been done to his heart making him need a transplant. 

These details shocked me and all I could do was helplessly ask, Is there anything I can do? 

Just having another guy around might help Peter. You can bike with him on the tandem we bought, so he can get some fresh air and not overexert himself, Astrid explained. Im working partly from home, but it is way too much right now. Plus, you can play or do sporty things with the girls. Now I have to cook  Peter needs special meals, low fat, careful balance of protein I eat them, would that be okay for you, too, or shall I make you something else?

No . Dont bother, I responded, pinching my belly overhang, health food might actually do me some good too.

Thank you so much for coming  not having to face this situation alone is helpful in itself. Mom and Dad and Peters parents have taken turns so far, but they are even more driven by fear in handling the situation than I am. Now go and get to know your nieces a little better while I fix dinner, Astrid said, shoving me out of the kitchen.

Astrid and Peters two little girls were Annika, a serious 6-year old and Amelie, a darling 4-year old, both of whom I was not very familiar with. This quickly changed over the next few days, because Annika was the inquisitive type and I enjoyed endless Q&A sessions with her  while Amelie was about as lovable as any little girl can be: sweet, considerate and playful. 

One evening, I was sitting on the sofa in the girls room, reading them a bedtime story, Annika next to me, turning the pages and Amelie snuggled up in my lap; Astrid meanwhile packing their laundry away. It was a book about a bear that goes to live in the big city. 

Half way through, Amelie rubbed my belly, saying. Youve got a big soft belly like the bear. My daddy had one too before he went to the hospital  now he doesnt have a belly anymore, they took it away. And I must not sit on his lap because he is sick.

Astrid audibly choked and ran out of the room.

A lump rose in my throat and I had to swallow hard before I could continue, hugging Annika and Amelie as close as possible. Your daddy will get better soon, Amelie. He will be big and strong like the bear again. Dont worry.

After ending the story I quietly put the two little girls to bed and then went downstairs to look for Astrid as soon as they had fallen asleep. I found her outside, sitting with her back against a tree, tightly curled into a ball and sobbing uncontrollably. Without a word, I sat down next to her and wrapped my arm around her, holding her tight and stroking her hair. 

After a while Astrid calmed down a bit and blurted out, Do you know that I actually used to make fun of Peters bear belly? That I put him on a diet every once in a while? How could I? I would give anything in the world for him to be big and strong again now! Oh God, what are the girls and I going to do if he doesnt recover? Or if he even dies?

She broke into fresh sobs and all I did was start rubbing her back, thinking of what I might say. Astrid, Im sure Peter will make it. He was a strong guy, hell pull through. He has you and the girls to help and motivate him. If you want, I can contact my colleagues from our online medical-edition, they might have some ideas on new or special therapies to look into.

Would you do that?

Sure  there are so many different and new remedies around, getting several opinions on possible therapies is more important than ever. And Id be more than glad to do something useful.

Astrid sat up and blew her nose. Uli, Im really sorry I ever teased you about your belly. I didnt want to be mean or hurt you. Please stay the way you are  dont let Sabines constant nagging get to you. Live a healthy, heavy life  and stop the yo-yo dieting, that is much worse for your health than this belly of yours, she said, shaking it gently. Promise me, okay? I dont need a sick brother on top of a sick husband! 

Ill do my best to stay healthy, I promise.

The semi-sick room atmosphere in Astrids house had an oddly healing effect on me. The routine of going to doctors appointments and mildly exercising with Peter, playing with Annika and Amelie in the afternoons helped clear my mind - and on the quiet evenings when Astrid was catching up on her work and Peter and the girls were already asleep, I had the calm and inspiration to seriously continue working on my novel, revising three chapters and getting two new ones written. 

On my last day in Constance, Peter made me take him rowing on the lake, something Astrid had explicitly prohibited as way too strenuous and dangerous being out alone on the water. Peter had been on several rowing teams during school and was incredibly keen on trying it out again, so he had badgered me relentlessly to do him this favor. Come on Uli, we guys have to stick together! Astrid means well, but I hate being treated like an invalid. I feel so much stronger now, please, do this for me.

In the end I gave in and we rented a boat at the small marina. I did the strenuous first part, rowing out of the harbor, over the river and onto the lake, and then I handed the oars to Peter. Very slowly, very carefully, he started rowing, deliberately dipping the oars into the water. After maybe two minutes, he doubled over, exceedingly pale, fighting for breath.

Panicking, I asked, Peter, are you okay? Do you need any of your medication? What can I do, shall I call the water police?

Gasping for breath, Peter needed some time before he answered, No, Im fine, this is the normal process of trying to build up some stamina. I need more strength, I want to fight. Im not going to let some f***ing virus take me away from my 3 A-girls! Now let me catch my breath, and then Ill give it one more try before you can row us back again. By the way, your rowing technique is abysmal  that is another reason for me to live  I have to teach you how to row properly!

Even though it was not exactly cheering, my visit to Astrid clearly achieved one thing: It was chastening and helped me put my own problems into perspective. Seeing Astrid and Peters fight for life, Sabines and my bickering over 20kgs and break up did seem very trivial. I needed to take on some new angle to make Sabine see that much worse could have happened to us.


----------



## agouderia (Nov 27, 2009)

*Part 3 - Departing*

Soon after I was back from Lake Constance, on one of the first sunny days up here in the north, I was combining an extensive lunch with proof-reading on our office cafeterias terrace overlooking the waterfront, when my colleague Silke sat down next to me with a sheaf of papers in her hand.

How are you doing, Ulrich? she asked, looking at me intently. Silke is not only our co-editor in chief, but also runs the psychology, womens rights and self-help section of our magazine, being a trained psychologist. 

Sunshine helps in proof-reading, I shrugged. 

Thats not what I mean. How is your life and work coming along? Seeing I wanted to protest, not feeling like discussing such intimate, touchy issues with her, Silke cut me short with a wave of her hand. Look, I understand if you dont want to talk about personal issues with me. Maybe you can nevertheless try and see me not as a colleague, but also as a professional psychologist as well as a friend.

Okay, Dr. Silke, what would you like to talk about with me?

Its not easy living alone all of a sudden in your accustomed surroundings, is it? Silke asked, immediately hitting the sore point.

Sighing heavily, I nodded.

Youve been here all your life, always with a family around you. And now you are wondering why you have to face your life all alone  while your environment stays the same, even though everything has changed for you, right? She looked at my mute reaction and went on. From my experience, the real reason for your break-up with Sabine cannot be about your weight, that is, by any measure, way too insignificant a factor for giving up on a relationship. Sabine is just using your weight as convenient pre-text of distancing herself from your marriage .

. And what in your professional psychological opinion would be the real reason? I interrupted her, not quite sure whether I was angry about her interference in my personal affairs or curious to hear what she had to say.

You two have been together since both of you started university  right after school, if Im correct  and you started a family not much later, seeing me nod, she continued. That is an awful long time for two people who are still rather young. Both of you missed out on many things that normally go with the twenty-something part of growing up. Moving farther away from home, studying abroad, going through and experimenting with various relationships or just maybe taking some time off to try yourself out in a different field. You started to carry the weight of responsibility for a family on your shoulders pretty early, with the combined stress of work and study . So maybe it was just natural that your body weight increased parallel to your responsibilities, giving you the physical stature to carry the added burden.

I was surprised at her insight, and just nodded hmm to keep her going.

My guess would be that Sabine has suddenly woken up to the reality that she is no longer twenty, that she has missed out on some things she should have done when she was twenty, and the only thing or person still around from when she was twenty is you .. And the most obvious thing is that there is 60 pounds more of you than when you were twenty. Silke continued.

50, I interjected. 

Excuse me? Silke shook her head.

50 more pounds right now than when I was twenty.

Ok  50  but that is what I mean: Of all the things that might not turn out in later life as you had dreamed them up when you were twenty, 50 more pounds are the most minor deviation from a dream life anybody can realistically imagine. But in your and Sabines case theyre there  and for Sabine the grab-able excuse for what didnt turn out right in her life. Try taking on Sabines perspective: out of the 35 years of her life, she has spent 19 years in one school  first as a student, now as a teacher. And she would have to quit her status as a tenured civil servant if she ever wanted to do something really different in her life. So the easiest way of really changing something in her life is taking a break from you and your marriage!

Hmmm  you might have a point, I admitted. But Ive spent my life together with her and dont really think Ive missed out on anything important 

Not everybody responds to a situation or development in the same way, Silke reasoned. Besides, your job has always been a fabulous surrogate for the fun, adventurous, crazy things you do during your post-adolescent growing up phase. Remember all the assignments abroad you have taken on: Hiking through the Alps almost a whole summer, spending 4 weeks in China with the national womens soccer team for world championship prep camp, working as a dietician for your blog, going on tour with various rock stars to cover those stories . You have always been able to do escapades from the job-life-rut and even get paid for them!

I had to laugh while a slightly guilty blush crept over my face  Silke was right that I had always been really good at getting the fun parts out of our job.

But before we go on I need another coffee, Silke said and got up, while I pondered over what she had said. Silke was right that Sabine felt she had missed out on many things in life and this was what triggered her unhappiness with our relationship. 

Then Silke came back with 2 coffees and 2 large pieces of strawberry cream cake.

Silke, no thank you  try to keep my diet in mind . I tried to fend off the piece of cake.

Youll need something sweet to sustain you for what I am about to tell you Silke said, pushing coffee and cake in front of me. What you need in my opinion right now is a new outlook on life from a totally different perspective.

Knowing she was heading somewhere, I just slightly nodded and let her move on. 

This pack of papers here  these are the application forms for a one year journalist exchange program to Chicago our publishing house is staging as of September. I actually went ahead and talked to our editor about you  and he agreed that he is willing to recommend you to the selection committee if you apply.

I was dumbfounded. Why did you do this for me?

Because I think right now you need it most of all of us colleagues. In addition, you are the only one of the more senior colleagues who is personally independent right now

Seeing me swallow hard and probably looking as hurt as I felt in this moment, Silke gently put her hands on my arm and paused shortly. Im sorry if that came out all wrong. Please try and see this time in your life as a window of opportunity for getting a completely new experience. That does not mean you have to leave the life you have here behind for good. Right now, you just have the chance to take some time off from your commitments , even André is old enough to get along without you on a daily basis for a while. Hell probably even think it is cool if he can visit his dad in the US during school vacation

This made me nod and even smile slightly; Silke sure hit the mark there.

Plus  there also is a professional reason for suggesting you, Silke pushed the issue home. You have by far the most experience in the cross over between print and online . And that seems to be one of the qualifications they are looking for. Also  if my files are right  you initially have a degree as an English teacher, right?

Yeah, thats true  even though I havent used my English professionally in many years. I acknowledged. But that certainly is something I can work on.

Now that is the right approach, Silke smiled, getting up to go. Ill leave the applications forms here  you probably have enough food for thought right now. 

Silke did leave me with more than enough to think about  underlying issues in Sabine's and my breakup, where I was heading professionally, my relationship with my son, exciting prospects of a year in the US, what work I would have to put into the application.

In the following days, I spent most time by myself, half working on the application, and for the first time, in my adult life, not discussing a major decision with anyone. Subconsciously, I seem to have made the definite decision to apply while Silke was still explaining the project to me. She clearly was right  it was better to use this time-out from my marriage to get a new personal and professional perspective, rather than wallow in self-pity and depression and stay stuck where I was. 

The only person who I felt was entitled to an explanation and whose approval I honestly needed was my son André. I was not willing to apply without his okay. André had just turned fifteen, was  despite the difficult age  a rather uncomplicated boy who was moving through puberty with a relative minimum of fuss. All in all he was a lucky mix of Sabine and my own best traits. André had inherited my father-in-laws tall, lean physique, along with my flexible, good-natured approach to life and easy way with words. While Sabine had successfully raised him in dislike of my beloved soccer  ruling that out for father-son-activities  he shared my keen interest in music and cinema and was good at winter and water sports. 

In our inner family bickering, he had always sided  at least since he was aware of the issue  with Sabine in nagging me about my weight, lately even having started to call me, standing 10 cm taller than me at only 15, his short little father-globe, but without being too mean about it.

Regarding the break-up, André had remained strictly neutral, never once commenting on the new situation in our family, shrugging off any attempts I made to speak to him about it. Naturally, he had stayed in his room, in our apartment with Sabine, but we saw each other regularly. He had come out to see me at his grandparents often and so far seem unchanged or not overtly troubled by the course of events. His grades in school stayed decent, he still had the same circle of pretty normal friends and I heard no complaints from Sabine regarding his behavior. 

On the Saturday after my talk with Silke, I invited him to take a trip out to a resort town on the Baltic Sea, where we could rent a small sailing boat for the day, giving him the chance to practice for his sail permit, and for me to speak to him about my plans.

We were lucky that it was a partly sunny and very windy day. Soon we were gliding out of the harbor on a swift little catamaran. Even though I had rehearsed the conversation in my head a thousand times, I procrastinated in actually telling André about my plans and we were already heading back in the afternoon before I mustered the courage to hit the issue.

During a short lull in the wind, I finally told him directly that I had been offered to apply for a one year exchange program in Chicago and that I would like to go.

André reacted exactly like Silke had predicted. Thats really cool! Can I come and visit you during school vacation? 

When I asked him whether he was aware that we would not be able to see each other on a daily basis anymore, he snorted slightly. I always credited you with having noticed that I am no longer a baby. Im 15 now, I have my own life. And anyway, we can communicate via e-mail and Skype. You should go, that sounds great. A new town and a new job will do you good, Paps. 

Not sure whether I should be angry about his precocious and condescending manner, I had to smile and said, Thank you. Your approval means a lot to me. Ill apply and let you know how things go. And if I get into the exchange program, consider yourself invited.

When we got back late that evening and I dropped him off in front of our apartment, I said one more thing to him without being able to look him in the eye. Son, do me a favor. Please dont tell your Mami or anybody else, like your grandparents, about my plans for the exchange program! Can it remain a secret between you and me until I know whether I have a serious chance?

André gave me a little knock on the head and said. Sure Paps, good night and good luck, as they say in that movie you have on DVD!

André, have you been going through my DVD collection?! I yelled, mixing anger with amusement and a little bit of pride in his early interest in good, grown up movies.

The application process itself was easy. My work was well documented, it had elements of a catharsis having to write an essay on my motivation to seek a new professional challenge abroad and my editor-in-chief had already cast his vote in my favor without me even asking. In the evenings, I brushed up my English and the actual interview process in Berlin was a series of very interesting panel discussions that all went pretty well from my point of view.

And I was not mistaken. Two weeks after the interview, it was again Silke who came to my desk with a large cream colored envelope. Congratulations. Youve made it! Youre our exchange program participant  and you have to be in Chicago on September 1st! 

After a small office celebration with my astonished colleagues came the really hard part, telling Sabine. We had been more or less incommunicado for weeks now, if you count out a few e-mails and SMS regarding practical arrangements, and I was apprehensive about our first real talk and not sure what to expect.

Sabine had always been very supportive of my career, never complaining about odd assignments that took me away from home for weeks, especially since I took care to make up for the time by taking on more household and parenting chores when I was back. She most certainly was going to feel slightly betrayed because I had asked André beforehand and not her. 

Then of course there was the fact that I still or again was almost 20 pounds. I didnt even dare get on the scale out of fear of feeling even less adequate than I already did. Heavier than I was on her birthday-all-gone wrong. 

At least, after I had foolishly thrown away all my old XL-clothes on publishing my diet book, I had heeded Astrids advice and with her assistance had bought a nice, new fitting wardrobe of XL clothes which looked presentable and not outgrown. 

In fact it was fortunate that the stylish sports coat Astrid had selected did an excellent job in camouflaging my belly, which stuck out as round and proud and pretty full as ever when I met Sabine and André for dinner at our favorite Italian pizza place. My poor choice of remedy for a very bad case of nerves had been snacking all afternoon, so the last thing I actually needed when I got to the restaurant was a full dinner.

On getting there, I greeted André with a manly clap on the shoulder and a careful, sideways hug and kiss on the cheek for Sabine, so not to be too intimate and also to avoid her noticing my full belly. But just touching her almost proved too much for me. Her smell and the soft feel of her skin and hair made my knees go weak and caused me physical pain like a blow on the chest, leaving me short of breath. All I wanted to do is wrap my big body around her petite one, hold her as tight as possible and bury my face in her neck. To mask my discomfort and have an excuse for turning away, I faked a cough before I sat down.

On placing our order, for me a small house salad and a small ham and artichoke pizza, my second favorite und on the healthy side, I asked for a small bottle of Prosecco to go with it.

What exactly are we celebrating with the Prosecco? Sabine naturally asked.

Hey, great I know, you got that exchange job in Chicago, Paps! When can I come visit? André exclaimed.

Sabine was obviously totally caught by surprised, looked very upset and half got up as if to leave.

Please Sabine, let me explain! I said, putting my hand on hers, which she shook off.

Indeed, you do seem to owe me an explanation. Since our teenage son seems to be in on an important career move of yours while I am completely clueless! Sabine glared at me.

Im really sorry. I should have spoken to your before I applied. But somehow I couldnt find the nerve, or say I was too much of a coward  And we havent been talking with each other that much anyway I tried to explain.

That is so typical for you! You are so greedy and thoughtless; you take anything you want in sight without thinking of others, whether its food, fun, job opportunities. Sabine retorted. 

Thats neither true nor fair! You know full well that I have done more family work than any of your girl-friends husbands! I shot back.

But now you want to leave all your obligations behind for a full year. How do you think I can manage all on my own with my job, home and André? And by the way, I have new job perspectives I am looking into, too. Youre not the only one you is creative in the family. I dont want to be your typical no stuck- in-the-rut schoolteacher-housewife. Sabine continued.

Thankfully our food arrived in that moment and we ate in silence for a few minutes. I admittedly couldnt help wolfing down almost all my pizza at once to calm down a little, despite Sabines disapproving looks. André was clearly uncomfortable, more playing around with his food than eating it and I felt guilty for having brought him in this situation. Maybe Sabine and I should have talked this out on our own first.

Look Sabine, I sincerely apologize. I should have told you about my plans and the application beforehand, I started as soon as I had gotten a grip of myself again. We have always been pretty good at working out a way to balance our professional interests and private lives so that both of us get our fair share. Cant we try and find a solution for this one, too, please? You suggested we take a break from our marriage and try to see where we stand  and new professional opportunities can be an obvious part of that. Tell me about your plans regarding further job developments; I honestly want to know more.

Sabine opened her mouth, remained quiet for a moment longer, closed her eyes and then spoke calmly. Okay, youre right. We have always been able to work things out. You know the city and national government have this new program for a better integration of young migrants into higher education? I want to become one of the coordinators for this program, specializing on integrating children with a Moroccan background, since our school has the French language track. To do that, I would have to attend a 2 week training course during and half-following autumn and Christmas break as well as next spring during Easter break plus 2 weeks added on go to Morocco to visit the 3 partner schools there.  So how can this work out together with your ambitions to go to Chicago? I had counted on you taking care of André during my absences.

Wow that sounds like an incredibly interesting project! I was impressed. Have you contacted Yvonne in my office, an article or feature about that project would be just down her line? And it would be great publicity on top.

Sabine had to laugh a little. Thats how you always get your way  by coming up with some useful catch from your job. But thanks for the good idea, Ill get in touch with Yvonne  a little promotion could help a lot and the city schools administration would be thrilled.

On this lighter note, I pressed ahead. As you surely know, you have my whole-hearted support for those career plans of yours. But I dont think this means I have to renounce my exchange program. André and I, and maybe also my parents, we can all do our part so that both of us can move on to those projects that are important for us, right André?

André, who by this time was literally studying the underside of his still full plate, looked relieved to have a positive say. Sure, Im not a baby anymore and dont need one of you 24/7. When you go to Morocco, I can stay with Chris or one of the other guys, too.

It wont be that difficult, I continued. Im still around all through Andrés summer vacation, he can stay with me and you can start your extra course work. Its already set that he will spend the autumn break in Malaga finishing off his junior sailing permit with his friends. Ill definitely be back for Christmas break  and regarding Easter, André can come visit me for the two weeks vacation and my parents can move into town for the rest of the time to look after him and our apartment.

Do you mean to tell me that your parents are already in on this?

No, of course not! André really was the only person I talked to about it before applying. And you just told me about your new project and Morocco.

Do we have to drag your parents in on our problems? Weve done a good job over the years without them.

I know you hate the idea of my mom messing around in your household, but she and my dad would certainly not mind at all spending two weeks in town and keeping André company. And its not like were constantly counting on them to baby-sit. 

André jumped in. Please Mami, say yes! I promise I wont bother you! And dad and you can both have some fun in Chicago and Morocco.

Alright, Ill think about it. Sabine gave in. Now Uli, tell me more about this exchange program.

I started to explain, but at this point, I felt absolutely drained and had a strong craving for something sweet. After some mental infighting, I could no longer resist and ordered the fabulous house specialty, an orange-caramel Tiramisu. Major mistake.

Sabine eyed me skeptically over the edge of her Prosecco glass. Are you sure it is a good idea for you to spend a year in the home country of Big Macs and super-sizing, especially if you actually intend to stick to your promise to get back in shape to give our relationship a second chance?

Sabine, cant you just cut it out for once? I know Im fat! I know you think I am way too fat! Im more than aware that you disapprove of everything about me that can be measured in grams and centimeters! So what! Wheres the scoop? Have you ever thought about the fact that I might be getting bored or fed up being together with someone who has turned out to be so mentally mono-dimensional as you seem to be? For heavens sake  there are more and more interesting and important issues to talk about on this planet than my weight! 

André and Sabine stared at me, shocked and puzzled; Sabine biting her lip and not saying anything. This was the first time I had ever lashed out at Sabine when she had criticized my weight or eating. My normal response had always been meek and submissive. In our endless debates over my weight, I had immediately given in, seen reason and promised improvement. All of this linked to my uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt, humiliation and complete inadequacy. Now a new feeling surfaced: anger. Anger  with myself, for getting fat again? Anger with Sabine, for pointing it out? 

Too confused to come up with another reaction, I lifted my Prosecco glass saying. Cheers  to new projects in life! 

In the end, Sabine and I did come up with an arrangement that would work for both of us  though sticking to the purely practical aspects and leaving all questions regarding the status and future of our marriage completely in limbo.

The weeks before my departure were very busy  I worked on as many assignments as possible, spent time with André, also accompanying him to his sailing course on the Baltic. Astrid came up North with her girls for the summer and stayed at our parents while Peter started a new IV- treatment for his heart condition at our specialized university hospital, which looked rather promising. 

André surprised us all by staging a small farewell barbecue for me in my parents large orchard, not only with the family but also inviting my friends and colleagues and showing off his newly acquired skills in grilling fish. Sabine was not able to come, because she has a prep session for her integration project, but he had gotten my mother to make her famous potato salad, Astrid her Swiss cheese dumplings and several colleagues from the cooking section to bring their samples. 

The biggest surprise came when André brought out the desert: Poppy seed cheese-cake and ice cream tarte with mixed red berries  my two absolute favorites, clearly out of Sabines baking repertoire.

Mami insisted on making these for you, since she cant be here herself, André explained.

I blinked hard while digesting this. It had been a long time since Sabine had baked any of my favorite sweets for me. Before finishing off as much of the two cakes as I could without completely disgracing myself. 

A few days later, I headed to the airport to fly to New York JFK via Paris CDG with André and Sabine. All of us were very quiet. While I was checking in, Sabine parked the car and we met up again at the security check. Surprisingly Sabine  normally as cool and contained as can be - was dissolved in tears by now, wordlessly sobbing, while André was still manfully trying to hide his tears in his oversized sweatshirt sleeves. I had a massive lump in my throat and couldnt say or do anything, I just stood there, staring at my feet and swallowing hard.

When the boarding sign flashed up, I wrapped André in a bear hug saying softly: Auf Wiedersehen my boy, see you soon. Take good care of yourself and your Mami. Call me anytime you need me.

Turning to Sabine, she threw her arms around my neck and clung tightly to me, mumbling, Maybe you shouldnt go  were going to miss you.

My response was a farewell kiss  but what I had planned at length to be gentle, tender, longing yet in essence chaste unwillingly turned into a deep, hungry, probably not PG French kiss, a clear testimonial to how much I had been missing her. I miss you already, Ill come back, I need you, Ill try everything so you can love me again  I love you and André so much.

Then I tore away  in that instant horribly regretting that I was getting on a plane to travel 7000 km away from her across the ocean. Blinded by tears, uncomfortably sexually aroused, I stumbled towards the gate, completely incapable of looking back once.


_Continued in post #14_


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## WillSpark (Nov 28, 2009)

A next part would be incredibly worthwhile. This is a very well-written piece and I thank you for posting it. It was a great read!


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## Dusselchen (Nov 29, 2009)

Wow, this is fantastic!


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## Quiet Girl (Nov 29, 2009)

This was wonderful! Please give us the second part!!


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## Ssaylleb (Nov 30, 2009)

This is an excellent start, please give us more!


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## BellySnuggles (Nov 30, 2009)

Yes, please post more!


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## berlin-girl (Dec 1, 2009)

ohhhhja, please, write part 2 (+ as many as you need to finish this story )!
still sobbing from the end of part 1 *sniffsniff*, lookin out for MORE!


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## agouderia (Dec 3, 2009)

Thank you so much for the kind words and interest! It's a huge motivation to continue and finish the story. I've sketched out a few more ideas & options ... I promise I'll post them as soon as they turn into a meaningful next part!


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## chubsixtysix (Dec 5, 2009)

Wow! this is fabulous! Uli's autobiographical voice is incredibly authentic. I can't wait for more! Pretty please?
:wubu:


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## Tad (Dec 7, 2009)

*WOW!!!!​*
Very good writing, very strong characters, and very believable problems. All around top notch......I look forward very strongly to the rest of the story!


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## agouderia (Dec 21, 2009)

Thank you again every body for the kind words :blush:
.... it was really inspiring to continue working on what slowly seems to be turning into a mini-saga.

In the following two posts you'll find the next 2 chapters.


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## agouderia (Dec 21, 2009)

*Part 4  Arriving*

Going to a new office on the first day of a new job is like entering a new country. You have different written laws and unwritten codes, established institutions and marginalized groups. Coming to Chicago for me though was like entering a new universe  there were several new planets to explore. It was the first time I truly was away from home to live somewhere else for more than a few weeks, setting up a real, daily life in foreign surroundings.

On the flight over it had taken me the entire leg to Paris, the endless walk through the giant, hideous concrete tubes of CDG to the international terminal, and a number of servings of Air Frances complimentary champagne aperitif to halfway get my bearings back. It helped that a mischievous flight attendant, on hearing my stomach growl while looking at the menu options, handed me both fish and meat with a wink  and later also brought a second helping of cheese & baguette.

Emotionally I was totally torn. Sabines parting words had come as a surprise, had raised my hopes high regarding a reconciliation and got me seriously wondering, whether I was doing the right thing to leave  and the thought of not seeing André now for months was tough. On the other hand, I loved traveling and the idea of getting a new professional experience was liberating after months of feeling so uncomfortable in what was left of my regular life. Also, there was a small doubt in the back of my mind, whether patching our relationship back up was going to work by simply returning to the established patterns. I made the firm resolve to make the most of my year in the US and at the same time stay in close touch with things back in Germany, so when I came back, I could literally restart my old life. 

On leaving, I had gotten on the scale which read 103kg/226 lbs  meaning my goal was clear: Convince Sabine of my serious commitment by losing 15 kg/33lbs over the course of the year.

After spending 3 days in New York City, where I had been several times before, I had decided to rent a car, drive through upstate New York and then follow the great lakes to Chicago to try and get the feel of the world I was going to live in for the next year. Chicago itself instantly felt like home. The water, the wind, the international outlook of the city, even the L train were a lot like their transatlantic twins I had known all my life. Yet at the same time they were all exciting, new, unknown und asking to be explored.

The exchange scheme had set me up with most necessities: A short list of apartments to chose from, a desk and 2 colleagues as supervisors who would help me rotate through various departments of the publishing house during the year, a language mentor to work on improving my professional English, as well as the obligation to chair a small course on the German media system at the University of Chicagos German department  something I had never done before and what looked like an interesting challenge. Also I was supposed to write a regular blog for my own magazine focusing on the comparison of different aspects of transatlantic life. 

Working in a foreign language all day is exhausting. Everything takes twice as long as expected  but the thrill of so many new things kept me going, leaving me only sleep deprived. Other aspects of office life were different too  the pace of work, the higher amount of time spent in meetings, the longer but more relaxed working hours. One thing that struck me in particular was that diversity was not just a catch phrase but living reality  while my own professional environment back home was extremely homogenous in every respect. In my news office in Germany, I mainly worked with my peer group. The vast majority of my colleagues were +/- 8-10 years of age to me. All of them ethnic Germans. Almost all had a background in humanities or social science. Even 90% were in the rather narrow range of a BMI of 20-35, leaving me at the upper end. Here my colleagues had totally different religious, ethnic, regional and professional backgrounds; the age span went from 19 to almost 70. And the BMI range went from 15 to maybe 60. It was fascinating just to talk to people in the office about their personal history, I got so many leads on different aspects of life in the US that I soon had more material to cover than I could deal with. 

Given my weakness, food was another whole new world to explore: I never thought that celery sticks with crunchy peanut butter could turn into my favorite snack of all times. Or that in contrast I was not a big fan of donuts, while I would kill for good brownies or the wonderful big soft and gooey but also crisp American cookies, oatmeal-raisin and gingerbread being my favorites. Also irresistible were the sweet breakfast options like blueberry pancakes and waffles with maple syrup as well as the excellent steaks I found in a number of places. The beer situation with a few smaller micro-breweries some colleagues introduced me to was much better than anticipated, and I went on a serious burger testing tour through the city to find the best for my personal tastes  even though people kept telling me Chicago was mainly known for its wide selection of hot dogs, they somehow did not match my pre-established and well-trained sausage tastes.

My culinary explorations naturally stood at odds with my self-proclaimed dieting commitment. I quickly got caught up again in the loop of binging and then fasting to try and keep things half-way in balance. And I tested a different measure I had never resorted to before. And of which I knew very well in my more focused moments that it was not a good idea. Diet pills and medications. Coming from a country with a highly regulated pharmaceutical market, the wide array of different medications and medical devices you can buy over the counter in a US drugstore fascinated me, and lead me to buy and experimentally take a large array of different medications all promising instant weight loss, appetite control, buff body and the like. These cocktails sometimes left me feeling slightly sick, which did limit my intake  and were an ideal placebo to let me think that even if I was not dieting, I was at least keeping my weight in check. 

Apart from the fact that settling into my new life was too exciting and stressful to seriously commit to a diet plan, I was slowly but surely getting out of touch with the underlying motive for dieting and losing weight  to save my marriage with Sabine. 

Directly on arriving, I started writing my blog for our German audience, and I came up with 3 versions of it: the official one for the public, the teen version for André, and one seeing my experiences through Sabines eyes, with admittedly a strongly romantic slant to it at the beginning. André responded regularly and enthusiastically, asking for more details or different stories. Responses from Sabine were spare, far in between, short, non-informative and even a bit dull. 

When I wrote her asking whether she liked it or if she would prefer something else, she responded. I think it is very sweet of you to put so much work into this for me, but you know I cannot match your skills in writing up your world. Also, I do not have that much news from here that might interest you. Please dont bother if you cannot spare the time. In turn making me lose my motivation to keep up the same frequency.

Talking on the phone at length was difficult during the week because of the 7 hour time difference, since I couldnt talk that much from the office, so I established regular conference calls with André on the weekend. But since Sabine and I had not been really talking for months, I did not feel it was good to start again with the added burden of long-distance, time difference phone calls.

Given the exchange scheme and my class on the German media system, I naturally got in touch with the numerous institutions and aspects of the German community in Chicago and the Midwest. Initially it had been Birger who had given me the contact info of Anja, who he knew from university - or as it turned out, was one out of the legion of his ex-girlfriends  and who now was married to an American lawyer named Tyler who worked for the German-American chamber of commerce here. 

Tyler and I immediately clicked. He has studied in Berlin where he had come to love soccer, Thüringer Klöße dumplings and Anja, all of which he had brought back with him to Chicago.

One activity Tyler had set up were regular soccer matches between Chicago natives, like from his office, and some of the many internationals also working there or in partner companies. He immediately enlisted me to participate in these self-organized soccer competitions and all the other sports watching activities this crowd of people shared in. This gave me the additional alibi of getting some exercise, and was also a nice circle of regular guys to talk to non work related.

Among my new colleagues and friends, I tried to keep my marital situation as far under wraps as possible. It was not unusual even for married exchange program participants to come over on their own, so when I was asked, I always said my wife and son were working/going to school back in Germany and I was going back to see them for Christmas, otherwise evading the issue. Anja and Tyler were aware of the situation, since Birger had filled Anja in with the explicit order to take good care of me, including the un-subtle hint that finding new romance for me would be a good idea; the two of them though were too tactful to address the subject after they noticed I was not willing to talk about it.

After a Saturday soccer match the whole group decided to meet up for pizza and beers  and after a number of beers Will, a new colleague of Tylers, asked me, So, when are your wife and son coming over, Uli?

Um  Im going back for Christmas to Germany

You mean to tell me they are not going to visit you at all here in Chicago? See how you live? Get to know the great Midwest? Will insisted.

Reddening, I briefly explained that I was not only here on the exchange program, but also more or less on a hiatus from my marriage.

All the better, then you can use the opportunity here in Chicago to get back into the dating scene, Will pursued the uncomfortable issue. Does anybody here know any nice Midwestern girl as a date for Uli?

Date? I was horrified, as several of the other guy started throwing names into the discussion. I dont date, Ive never dated we dont date at all in Germany!

Dont date? But youre married? Will could not believe it.

Tyler by now had thrown back his head in laughter: Believe him, Will  Germans really dont date! Some people say that is one reason for the way to low birthrate!

Well how do you get together with a girl then? How did you meet Anja? Will wanted to know.

I certainly did not date her as we would see that. Tyler grinned. Actually, I tried to date her room-mate, but somehow she didnt get it. So I resorted  German style  to setting up a study group to spend time with her and get to know her better, hoping to move on from there. In that process I met Anja often, we had great talks in the kitchen  yeah, and we clicked and kissed only after way too much Gluehwein  hot spiced red wine  at the Christmas market one evening  and have been together ever since, kicking out the room-mate at the end of the semester and me moving in instead. 

So we should set up a Chicago study group for Uli here? Will was doubtful. Or can we teach him to date? 

I shook my head. No way  Im way too old, out of practice and  And too heavy to date. 

Oh come on, I know a number of girls who dont go for a perfect six pack, Will could not let the subject rest. Ill see what I can come up with. 

But whenever the issue came up again, I blocked it off  and thankfully Tyler, who noticed how much I disliked it, helped me fend it off. I had not given up hope yet of getting my marriage back on track  And right now I was way too busy enjoying my new life  and I honestly wanted to have that all to myself at this given point in time.


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## agouderia (Dec 21, 2009)

*Part 5  Stumbling* 

The worst things in life mostly start out in a completely harmless fashion  like the one week which ranks high on the list of the darkest ones I can remember. It started out like a normal Saturday in late fall. A rich, hot pancake breakfast with my language mentor, some shopping for the necessary staples in life, and then in the afternoon one of our now regular soccer matches natives versus foreigners Tyler had gotten me involved in. I still enjoyed playing a lot, it was the kind of exercise that had enough fun and thrill in it for me to keep me going  even though I got out of breath pretty quickly, could not go after the ball as fast as I sometimes would have liked, and I maybe could again if I would finally manage to take my diet commitment more seriously. But experience and tactical knowledge of the game were in my favor and it was something I genuinely looked forward to. 

There had been a light drizzle in the morning and the playing field was wet. Although I had bought some soccer boots to be on the safe side, the footing was pretty slippery. In the second half I was already pretty tired, it happened. I managed to take the ball off of one of my opponents and tried to head off into the direction of the opposite goal box, waving my team mate Pierre  BNP Paribas  to come along on the other side. Tylers colleague, Will ran up to me and tried to take away the ball from me, accidentally in the attempt hitting my foot pretty hard. I dont really remember what happened, I fell, somehow twisted my knee but crashed on it with my full weight, and suddenly lay in the grass in excruciating pain.

My memories as to what exactly happened then are dim. Tyler took charge, getting me to the hospital, arranging everything with a good orthopedic surgeon and his team who had operated on a sports injury of his some time ago, and making sure I got everything I needed. Thankfully I had full insurance coverage through my exchange program so there were no worries there. But the diagnosis was pretty bad: a ruptured meniscus, two torn ligaments and a crack in the patella, all had to be operated on.

As many patients can probably relate too, the worst day is not the one you get operated on. Its mostly one of the days following the operation. For me it was the second day, traumatic Thursday after the operation. I woke up in pain and somehow could not get up, I felt too weak to support myself on crutches. The doctor looked worried and then said, that the wound had to be drained again, which was very painful, and I needed to receive extra antibiotics, which in turn made me feel queasy. 

To cheer myself up and have somebody to talk to, I decided to call André via Skype, who was in Malaga at his sailing course to ask him how his day had been. Initially this did have the desired effect. It was soothing to be able to speak my native language, hear André tell me about his adventures, ask him about his impressions of Malaga and surrounding Andalusia as well as get some sympathy for my plight. Suddenly I heard voices in the background and André said. What? Oh no, not now!

Whats wrong, André? I asked.

Im sorry Paps, Im running late. I forgot I promised Mami Id go.oh forget it, I have to go. Can we talk again tomorrow?

I was irritated. Promise Mami to go somewhere  but Sabine is not there with you, is she? 

Before hearing an authoritative male voice in the background say in German. André hurry up! You have only 5 minutes to get ready  your mother is waiting!

André , what is going on? Who is there?

I heard André sigh heavily on the other end: Please Paps, I have to go now tomorrow ..

André, no, answer my question. I need to know what is going on! I insisted.

Im so sorry, André said in a very small voice. That was Jens. He and Mami came down here for the second half of my course on vacation. Hes a colleague of hers  And I guess I didnt want to tell you  But I guess you have to call him her boyfriend.

It was as if the pain in my knee had spread, moved on as a hollow churning into my stomach, an icy biting ring around my chest and a splitting headache that made it impossible for me to think. All I could do was curl up on my side as well as I could with a fixated knee and let the pain wash over me. 

Only a single hurtful thought zoomed through my mind in an endless loop. 

_Sabine has a boyfriend  Its over, she is gone. You have lost her for good. You are all alone._

I dont remember how long I had lain there. I remember dimly having refused food and telling various nurses to leave me alone

It was dark when suddenly a teasing voice in German said. Didnt somebody promise me to stay healthy? And now I have to visit you 7.500 km away from home in a hospital bed!

Turning around, I saw high-heeled boots, a stylish business suit and looked up into Astrids smiling face. In a true little-brother reaction broke into tears. 

Astrids face fell in alarm, she quickly settled on the bed and pulled my head into her lap, cradling me, stroking my head and murmuring. Uli, its going to be okay, its okay!

After quite a while she asked softly. Uli, is it really that bad? Do you need some more painkillers?

Sabine, she has a boyfriend named Jens was all I could blurt out, before burying my face in her jacket again.

Oh dear Astrid sighed. Painkillers arent the right solution for that Just continued cradling me gently without saying anything. 

An unknown quantity of time later, I somehow managed to straighten myself up again and mumble. Sorry  that was a terrible reaction to a wonderful surprise! What are you doing here?

Astrid looked at me in worry, handed me some fresh tissues and said: Ive been on a business trip to my banks New York branch since Sunday evening. Mom sent me a SMS about your accident. I had been half planning to come out here and surprise you for a day or two anyway, if I could fit it in. But now I knew I needed to come and look after you a little. Ive worked everything out  I came right after the end of the meeting and can stay here until Monday night. On Tuesday Im filling in at a meeting in New York for a colleague who thus doesnt have to come over before I fly back in the evening.

Astrid, that is the best idea you ever had. True gratitude overcoming me, causing another small sob.

Its okay, Uli, Im happy I can do something for you. You were a great help last spring. Im sorry you seem to need me as badly now as I needed you then.

How are Peter and the girls doing? I asked, trying to get a grip on myself.

Peter is so much better, Astrid smiled. I would say he has made an 85-90% recovery so far  and hes going for one more round of IV-treatments in 3 weeks. That should do the job, thank God. Annika and Amelie send Uncle Uli a big kiss and tell him to get better soon, firmly planting a kiss on my cheek. My in-laws are over to look after everything  because you need me much more right now. What can I do for you?

Nothing, Astrid, its everything that you are here, I answered, but as always in an inappropriate moment, my stomach let out a growl.

So, youre hungry, shall I get you something to eat?

No thank you, Astrid, just stay here and sit next to me, feeling like I could never again swallow a bite in my life.

Rummaging in her luggage, Astrid said. You know what; I brought that Swiss sweet herbal tea you like so much with me. Ill fix us a pot. Maybe later you can give me your apartment keys because I would like to stay over at your place instead of a hotel room. And I am going to go get you a sleeping pill, you need rest

Despite getting that pill induced sleep, I felt like the no longer existing Red Army had run over me the next morning. Things were not improved by the fact that I was run through a series of tests and examinations that included getting on a scale in front of an emaciated blonde 40-something physician named Kelley  and the reading showed 240 US pounds, meaning 109 kgs  so I was up 6 kgs from when I had left home, despite my swearing to diet and all the odd measures and medications I had erratically taken in the past 2 months.

See - thats why you lost Sabine, but now it doesnt matter anymore, you can get as fat as you want, ha-ha, a cruel inner monologue started chanting in my tired mind, sharpening the dull pain that cut into every part of my body. Even though I had not eaten in 24 hours, the look of the breakfast tray made me sick and I almost threw the weak coffee against the wall. I slumped back on the bed, punishing myself with as many unpleasant thoughts as possible when Astrid breezed into the room with a big box.

Seeing my still full breakfast tray, she grinned wickedly, held up the box saying. Guten morgen! Europäisches Frühstück! pulling out some of my hearty breakfast favorites. Black bread with Parma ham and French camembert with fresh melon and grapes to go with it, Swiss Muesli with grated apple and a huge thermos of Italian Lavazza coffee. 

In this moment, Kelley came in, took a look at Astrids spread, nodded and asked. Whats in the pot?

Homemade potato soup, with fresh vegetables and ham, Astrid responded.

Good, Kelley nodded, pricked me for some more blood and went back out.

Astrid, you shouldnt have  how did you know?

Ive known you all your life. And in a crisis like this, you either stuff yourself silly or start fasting  and neither is good for you. With the choice of hospital food, it was going to be fasting, Astrid said. Some good, wholesome food you like was the least I could do to try and cheer you up. But now eat  I have the soup for lunch. Ill see if I can find a place to heat it.

After the morning visit of my orthopedic surgeon, I was in for a session in the afternoon I dreaded in normal times, now it seemed like a high-speed ride to my personal hell: An interview with the physician and physiotherapist in charge of the therapy program for my recovery  In other words endless lecturing about my weight and enforcing a diet, now more necessary than ever for rehabbing my knee. To make things worse, my physician Kelley, a 40-ish, very blonde, strict looking, size 0 candidate came across as the physical embodiment of diet hell. Knowing I could never stand it on my own, I insisted Astrid stay for the interview. She sat next to the bed and reassuringly held my hand.

Good afternoon, Mr. Rheinstein  Im sorry, Im not sure how to pronounce your first name  Kelley said upon entering, followed by a short dark haired colleague.

Uli is fine, I half-whispered.

So Uli, we now have the results from you tests and examinations. To get the full picture and to make the correct assessments for your therapy, I would like to ask you a little bit about your medical history. Now I have this questionnaire she said and started asking me a whole series of questions, until the fateful one. As you probably know yourself, you are rather heavy. Have you ever tried dieting?

This was the one question I was completely incapable of answering in that moment. Not only because it is never easy to talk about personal failures  but in this situation it was like having to paraphrase my ruined marriage history. I stared at my hands folded over my belly and couldnt utter a word. 

Mr. Rheinstein  Sorry Uli, the last question, Kelley mercilessly continued.

I gave Astrid a pleading look  and she answered for me, as briefly, precisely and considerately of my ego as possible.

I see, Kelley took some notes. Now have you ever tried what is colloquially referred to as diet pills?

Astrid looked at me helplessly; she couldnt answer that one, so she nudged me: Uli..? I just nodded, not looking up.

Have you most recently been taking diet pills, like in the past 2-3 months? Again I nodded.

Can you tell me what exactly you have been taking? Appetite suppressants, diuretics, so-called metabolism boosters?

This time I shrugged; I was only vaguely aware of the different kinds of pills I had bought at random in various drug stores and thrown in as a futile attempt to keep from gaining more weight here in the US.

Are those pills in some of the packages I saw in your kitchen and bathroom? Astrid quietly asked and I nodded. Ill write down the brand names and give you the list, she said turning to Kelley, saving me again.

Okay, now I get the picture  This matches the results we have so far, Kelley said. Now  which are going to be our next moves to get you back into good health? Uli ?, Kelley said more kindly, Uli  could you maybe look up at me while we discuss this? I did manage to raise my head and look in her face, which clearly showed compassion.

I guess you expect me now to lecture you about sticking to a strict diet to significantly reduce your weight in line with rehabbing your knee, correct? I nodded glumly before Kelley continued: Well while your weight suggests that your calorie consumption has been too high, all other parameters show that you clearly have not been getting the nutrients you need. Your calcium level is way too low, same goes for the iron. In contrast your potassium level is too high  which might be explained if you took pills that contained diuretics. And there are several more results which could be better. Given your medical history  I have rarely seen male patients with such a track record in so-called yo-yo dieting. I would advise against going on a classic weight loss regime again at this point. Instead I would like to stabilize your overall health first. Make sure you get all the nutrients you need, even though we will start out giving you some extra medication, vitamins and dietary supplements to get good quick results. Then to balance your higher weight, you will have to do more muscle building in your legs, probably stay on crutches a little longer and use a protective brace for your knee for maybe 2 months.

No diet? were the first unbelieving words I could utter, thinking I had misunderstood something. 

Well, no calorie controlled diet in the classic sense of the word, Kelley smiled slightly. I want you to pay very good attention to what you are eating, that you eat three good healthy meals a day, try not to snack in between, eat as little processed food as possible and make sure you get an excellent balance of nutrients. I will give you a list of options of which combinations of food and meals would be good for you - but I am not suggesting you count calories. I would ask you  if possible  to completely abstain from drinking alcohol for the next month. Our goal is to stabilize your overall health and make sure you have the strength you need to rehab your knee. I think that is enough pressure already  especially since you are here all on your own, away from home and your regular environment. Stella will talk more in detail to you about your physiotherapy program next week. Would that be okay for you?

Again I could only nod, still to dazed to respond and having an hard time fully grasping what I had just been told. The pain in my knee and of what I considered my broken heart were not going to be supplemented by the all too familiar mixture of hunger and guilt pangs - diet hell had been called off, at least for the time being. 


Despite Astrids reassuring company, I was unable to speak about what really was ailing me  Sabines new love life, carving our break up in stone, most probably ending my marriage. Astrid made me talk: about my knee, her family, my experiences in Chicago but silence and just her physical presence would have been fine with me. 

On Saturday evening, on leaving, Astrid placed my netbook in front of me. Write it down, Uli, if you cant talk about it  it will help. Get it out of your system; right now its poisoning you. You need all the healing power you can get for your knee. Good night, see you tomorrow, sleep well.

Astrid was right  after I had spent almost half the night first incoherently, then more and more structured, pouring all the frustration, defeat, agony and betrayal I felt inside about Sabines ending our marriage into my computer keyboard, I slept more soundly since I had after the accident. 

As a Sunday surprise, Astrid had made her tangy French apple-cidre and crème fraiche tarte, asking as she came in. How are you this morning?

Much better, always heed your big sisters advice. You were right, writing down everything that was churning through my brain helped a lot. Maybe I can even talk about it now  Maybe I should, Im not going to have anyone better than you here in a long time 

Thanks for that compliment Astrid grimaced.

You know how I mean it  I couldnt be more grateful to you for coming here just when I really needed you most. But could you have imagined a year ago that we would actually be seriously speaking to each other over such intimate matters? I wanted to know.

No, definitely not  weve come a long way in our relationship as siblings in the past year, Astrid smilingly acknowledged. 

Can you do me a favor though? Take me outside a little and let me try and walk around on crutches a bit? This everything in a wheelchair inside here is driving me nuts!

Well  the approach to patient mobility in the US is very different from that in germanophone Europe  Unfortunately for understandable liability reasons, Astrid nodded. 

We spent a long time outside since it was a beautiful late Indian summer day and I tried walking with crutches in intervals, but it left me pretty winded and exhausted after a week in bed. And I did use the opportunity to talk to Astrid about the end of my marriage and why it had come about. Because while I seriously tried to hate Sabine for her  what I considered to be  betrayal, I couldnt quench the uneasy thoughts that it had been mainly my fault. 

When I hinted this to Astrid, she vigorously shook her head and mine a little too. Uli, get that thought out of your head right this minute! Self-abasement leads nowhere! If all European wives would break up with all European husbands who gain weight during marriage and watch too much soccer on TV, then only about 5% of all EU marriages would survive! Youre a totally average guy as far as that goes  and on the other hand, you have quite of number of personal assets as far as your commitment, honesty and understanding  thank God for that huge womens desk in your news office  of the female side of life goes that Sabine is going to regret losing.

My biggest mistake sure was leaving in August, it might not have happened if I had stayed home And if its not how fat I am or how much I care for soccer what is it then?

I dont think it has anything to do with you leaving  the two of you were already separated for 6 months when you came over. And from how I understood the time-line from Mom. Sabine must have met this guy during her summer vacation course, while you were still there. If she was nicer to you before your departure that probably was more compensating her feelings of guilt for getting involved with someone else than wanting you back, Astrid answered.

I buried my face in my hands and Astrid quietly rubbed the back of my neck before continuing. If you want my opinion more in general - well, I basically agree with your colleague Silkes analysis. Its neither of yours fault  its one of these break ups that just happen because of the circumstances in life  and either one or both parties dont have the nerve, tolerance, love, patience or whatever to stick it out. You and Sabine became a couple very early in life, so either you develop parallel to each other or you develop on paths that over time move further apart. Both of you dont have any other serious relationship experience  So to feel you have missed something in life is not laudable, but its understandable  its only human. Vice-versa I would have understood if you had suddenly thought you had missed out on something and started cheating on Sabine. Many men with your history do that. 

Would you really have thought that is okay for me to have an affair?  I asked incredulously.

I didnt say I thought it would be okay or that I would have approved  but I would have understood it as one of the paths in life that suddenly open up and you can get drawn into, desirable or not Things like that just happen. Look in comparison at Peter and me  we both had almost 15 years more of experience with different partners, living alone, going different places  and when we settled down together, we knew much more for sure that we had found the best possible option for us in life and what we could risk losing. Sabine in my opinion is completely clueless about the last point; in that respect she has the horizon of an 18-year old. Astrid tried to explain.

But what am I going to do now?

Astrid lifted her eyebrows in mock irony. Uli, this is what big sisters are there for  to tell you exactly what to do and in which order. Number one priority  you must work on getting back in good health, your knee and everything else. Number two  you and Sabine are still Andrés parents, that gives both of you the enormous responsibility of staying on civilized terms in order not to harm him and make him feel safe he still has two loving parents. Number three  make the best of this year here in the US, get new insights, new perspectives and then move on, personally and professionally. Youre still young enough. Actually, if this had to happen, this is the best timing  distance is a huge help in putting things into perspective. And by the time you get back home, and might have to deal with the technical aspects of a separation, the worst will be over.

Rationally I could follow her reasoning, but emotionally it did not catch on. But what about living alone, being single, not having a partner in life?

Astrid sighed. That is indeed going to be the tough part for you  because you moved directly from our family to your own family. Youll learn self-sufficiency and not having to meet other ones needs actually can feel incredibly good too. Thats for instance why Peter and I both go on vacation once a year on our own or add on a day or two to business trips, if possible so we dont start resenting being a couple most of the time.

But what if I never find another women in my life? At my age, with the burden of a failed marriage and this big fat belly? Which women would want me?

Uli  this is self-pity talking right now  and not making much sense!

But Sabine

Astrid let out a small groan. What I am going to say now, Uli, is probably going to hurt the most  but I have to say it. Stop seeing yourself through Sabines eyes. It doesnt matter anymore what Sabine thinks.


On Monday morning, her last day, a stony faced Astrid stormed into my hospital room. Ulrich - is it true what Mom told me on the phone  that you have not spoken to André since that phone call in which he unwillingly told you about Sabines affair? And that he has not been able to reach you?

I gulped and guiltily plucked at my blanket, aware now that I had turned off my phone and even deactivated the Skype.

You idiot! Astrid almost yelled at me. You know full well that you have all my sympathy for your current plight! But to make the poor boy suffer for it  thats unbelievably selfish and totally irresponsible! André is suffering from your break up too, in case you havent noticed, hes losing the parents as he has known them so far! Do you know that he thinks you blame him for Sabines affair  you know hitting the messenger and meaning the message  and that you are through with him too? I cant believe it! Why do you have to regress into spoiled little-brother mode in the most inappropriate moments?

Astrid  stop it! Oh God  Youre more than right  I completely erased from my mind how this must feel for him  That was unbelievably selfish and irresponsible  oh shit  how am I ever going to make that up to André? I felt truly ashamed of myself.

The least you must do is call him up this minute and try to convey to him how sorry you are  and that you love him more than anything else in the world, no matter what, Astrid retorted, still angry, thrusting my headset into my hands. Sabine is no better than you, by the way! It would have been her job to tell you the truth, not wait until poor André accidentally spills the beans. I dont know how both of you managed to raise such a great kid  you sure didnt deserve it!

She discreetly left the room while I called André and had a long heart-wrenching phone conversation with him, leaving me full of true remorse since I felt keenly how badly I had  though unwillingly  hurt him and shaken his confidence.

As long as I could remember, the easiest thing for me to imagine had been seeing Astrid go out the door and leave me alone  this time it seemed like the worst that could happen. She hugged me good-bye but wouldnt let me get all tearful again, but gave me a last shake up. You know what you have to do now? This time stick to your promise and get back into good health! Be a good boy and do exactly what Kelley and Stella tell you to do  I am convinced they are taking the right approach

Who is Stella? I was confused.

Your physiotherapist  youll start tomorrow! I talked to her, she takes a very holistic approach and seems great, I wish I had somebody like her for Peter, Astrid explained. And also take care of your inner healing  that is just as important. But above all  dont forget André. Well probably see each other around Christmas, yes? Now I have to be going, otherwise Ill miss the plane  gute Besserung!

After the door closed behind her, I felt as lonely as possible, but her scolding me regarding my behavior towards André  and the humbling phone call with him - at least had brought me back to the reality that I had to look beyond my broken knee and heart if I did not want even more damage to occur in my life.


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## agouderia (Dec 21, 2009)

Only as the petite dark haired women came in and introduced herself as Stella did I recognize her as the one who had accompanied Kelley at my fateful therapy interview &#8211; so she must be my physiotherapist. Taking a first real look at her, I was struck at how extremely pretty she was. Standing maybe around 158 cm/5’2, she had thick, almost black curls, expressive, somehow Mediterranean features with large dark eyes, clear cut nose and jaw, full red lips and a beautiful smile. She was slim, but in the lovely feminine curvy style à la Salma Hayek, dressed stylishly but not too revealingly in a rather short t-shirt dress, leggings and ballerina slippers. 

“How are you doing today Uli?” she asked. “I would like to discuss the program for rehabbing your knee with you,” she led me through a series of charts, graphs and timetables. “Now before we start with any exercises, I would like to check to mobility of your knee as well as you muscle status. If anything hurts, please let me know immediately.”

As she leaned over me to take a closer look at my knee, I noticed that she had rather long, graceful fingers for her otherwise short stature … And then, as those fingers touched me for the first time, just above the knee, I felt a jolt of highest voltage electricity shoot down my spine, through my stomach and into my groin &#8211; its physical effects almost immediately and unfortunately all too visibly showing in my rather tight sweat pants and half-reclining position. Stella must have noticed too, she fleetingly bit her lip but stayed coolly professional &#8211; I was mortified beyond belief. I could not remember this ever having happened to me before. Mentally and physically more uncomfortable by the second, I tried to half turn away to hide the damage, shifting my body … Only to be answered by searing pain instantly shooting through my knee, causing me to cry out and my eyes to water. 

“I’m so sorry, did that hurt so badly?” Stella asked.

“No &#8211; my fault,” was all I could stammer.

“Now maybe you had better lie back down, relax and then we’ll take this a little slower, “ Stella said while lowering the upper half of the bed and carefully half covering me with a blanket before resuming her examination.


Had it ever happened that a patient died of shame in a hospital bed? I asked myself after Stella had left. What must she think of me &#8211; this fat, inarticulate foreign dude, whose only response was almost coming off at her touch? After this humiliating experience &#8211; how was I supposed to work together with her rehabbing my knee &#8211; should I maybe ask for a replacement instead? Why had I reacted to her touch in such an extreme manner, something I last remembered happening maybe in early puberty? Sure, she was very pretty, but that had been a strictly medically examining touch, something I had been subject to 25 times a day of late. Was I so sexually starved by now, half a year after breaking up from Sabine that the touch of any attractive women was going to lead to such an instant physical reaction? No matter what some self-help books say, I am firmly in the camp of those who believe that straight men and women can just be friends, without sex getting in between. I had many close female friends &#8211; but still, staying physically faithful to Sabine had always seemed easy and natural.

My instant choice of remedy was to mail order, special delivery, a new set of excessively baggy XXXXL gym clothes so I could stay presentable in front of Stella … and then I worked on rehearsing some possible pieces of conversation in my mind so that I could somehow try and correct her first impression and come across as an educated adult.

When Stella came in for our next session, I decided a general apology might be a good start. “I’m so sorry Stella; I was terribly unfocussed last time. I think I am in better shape today and could we maybe start all over with the therapy? I promise I’ll concentrate and try harder this time.”

“Sure,” Stella smiled, “it’s always difficult the first few times after heavy surgery. Now I’ll show you some of my sheets once more of what I have planned for your therapy and then we can start again.”

As she showed me her therapy plan, I noticed it read “Stella Maria Komotis” at the top. “So your Stella is originally Greek?” I asked.

“Yup … Greek all the way, on both sides of the family,” Stella responded and rolled her eyes. “And before you ask, yes &#8211; it is just like in the Chicago Greek community of &#8216;My Big Fat Greek Wedding’, my family even has a Greek restaurant!”

I had to laugh and asked, “But it is not by chance called &#8216;Dancing Zorbas’?

Stella laughed too and shook her head. “No it’s named &#8216;Naxos’ after the island my father’s family originally comes from.”

“Oh yes, it’s a beautiful island, I’ve been there once,” bracing myself for her touch and as a means of potential damage control continued talking. “It is much greener than the other Cycladic islands and I found more diverse as far as the historical monuments go. And I loved the beaches, silvery sand, turquoise water, very peaceful &#8211; but for some reason they are not as well known or acclaimed as those on some other islands.”

Stella now beamed at me. “I could not agree more! My grandparents went back there on retiring &#8211; I love to visit them but can’t get away as often I would like. Unfortunately, it’s a really long trip.”

This was going much better than I had expected so I decided to move further in this line to keep things light and hopefully maintain my self-control. “So if your family’s restaurant is named after the Greek island &#8211; is your Stella named after Melina Mercouri’s iconic film heroine?”

Stella burst out laughing, shaking her head. “Now that is a question nobody has ever asked me … And I would certainly have expected it more coming from one of my elderly uncles’ friends with a slight leer than in a matter of fact fashion from a German patient! No, I’m named after my great-aunt, not my grandmother as would have been more common &#8211; my father didn’t want to have something like the 35th plain Maria in the family.”

“Too bad &#8211; Melina Mercouri’s &#8216;Stella’ would have been a bit more glamorous. After all, it was the role which started her movie fame and in which she portrays the archetypical Greek woman.”

“Archetypical Greek woman?” Stella was indignant. “Stella is portrayed as a prostitute!”

“Ouch!” yelping as Stella’s grip got a little too hard, “Stella is not a prostitute. She is an independent minded woman who likes doing things her own way. Maybe this was considered morally questionable when the movie was shot in the 1950’s; but in my opinion the role of Stella is a blue-print for a modern women who fights to overcome patriarchal society &#8211; even though letting herself be killed to maintain her freedom is a little drastic from our today’s perspective.”

“Okay, we can agree on that,” Stella smiled again. “Actually that’s what I like about the character of Stella, that she values her freedom so highly she is willing to do anything for it &#8211; I can relate to that, despite not wanting to get killed,” she grinned. “Now tell me, how come you know so much about these rather exotic issues?”

“I work in the society & culture department of my publishing house and cover a wide range of issues. Our company has branches in many European countries and since we are a small continent there is quite a lot of exchange and we do a fair share of not only German, but also European stories. And I was lucky enough to be able to spend four weeks for the 2004 Olympics in Athens to cover cultural issues and events the city and government had staged as an add-on program to the sports event.”

“That sounds absolutely great! What exactly did you do?”

“All sorts of things &#8211; a bit of city development, some movies, of course museums & exhibitions, but the best actually was when the rather well known Greek author Petros Markaris took us on a personal tour through his favorite Greek music clubs in Athens as a feature story,” I answered.

“Ooooh… I’m really jealous &#8211; I would have loved to come along!” Stella exclaimed. “I adore Inspector Haritos &#8211; those books have been my main way of keeping up my Greek reading in the past years.”

At the end of our session, I sank back exhausted and incredibly relieved &#8211; that had been easier and gone better than in my wildest dreams. I had not only been able to control my physical reactions but also to redeem myself halfway in Stella’s eyes as somebody who was capable of expressing a meaningful thought or two. 

She smiled warmly as she left, saying. “That was the most unusual and entertaining patient conversation I have had in a long time. Take care, do those exercises I showed you before going to sleep this evening and then again in the morning. See you tomorrow.”


_Continued in post #19_


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## Tad (Dec 21, 2009)

Hooray for the continuation of this great story!


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## agouderia (Dec 29, 2009)

.... as befitting the season, one covering the holidays.....


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## agouderia (Dec 29, 2009)

*Part 6  Limping on *

Oddly enough during the whole time I had been in hospital after the accident, I had not thought one single time about going back to Germany, so I was completely baffled when our program coordinator asked me about it, shortly after my discharge. Right now I did not even have a home there to go back to  and I saw no reason in trying to recuperate at my parents, with the additional agony of maybe having to face Sabine with her new love life in person. Astrid must have seen this the same way, because she never mentioned it and had  as I was to find out  made arrangements for me to be taken care of in Chicago.

The day before my discharge, Stella talked to me about my post-hospital rehab. For the next 4 weeks, we will do 3 sessions a week in my practice. Then 3 more weeks of 2 sessions a week before you can continue with a plan for another 3 months at a regular gym. Is that okay? seeing my nod, Stella went on. Since you do not have any family here, dealing with everyday life on your own in your apartment with work, shopping, etc. is not really possible. Your sister and I talked this over while she was here  and she totally agreed to my suggestion.

Which suggestion? wondering what Astrid had forgot to tell me.

You need help. Somebody who will help take care of the apartment, shopping, help with exercising and personal care, Stella explained. As you might not know, I also have an MS in nursing and teach a few classes at the local nursing college. I would like to suggest you hire one of my nursing students to help you as a kind of personal assistant. If I remember correctly, Astrid mentioned your insurance would probably cover the costs since they normally pay for full clinical rehab. So my question today is what would you prefer  boy or girl?

Why boy or girl? not being really able to follow what she was saying. 

Would you prefer a male or female nursing assistant? Astrid thought a guy would be better for you and I actually have someone in mind that would be perfect and available Is that okay for you? Stella tried to get her message across.

Sure  if you think it is a good idea. And thank you for setting this up, 

So Dimitri entered my life. He was at least 1,92m/64, maybe 150kg/330 lbs. an incredibly open, self-confident, friendly and competent hulk, who turned out to be school friend of one of Stellas younger brothers. And who was a true life-saver in the difficult first weeks of coping alone, with my injured knee, heaving my heavy body around on one leg and crutches.

Looking back, everyone was incredibly friendly and truly helpful. Despite the fact that my program contained the option of taking full sick leave, I decided against it. Staying cooped up in my apartment all day with limited social interaction was not going to make anything heal any faster, on the contrary. I went to the office as much as possible to do desk work, unfortunately no more onsite research. My colleagues, Dimitri and a regular cab driver I enlisted for myself helped me get around pretty well, also assisting in things like shopping or the odd outing or so to help boost my moral. I truly came to appreciate how much easier it is in the US to live with a disability with things like scooters in supermarkets, barrier free access etc.  many aspects virtually unknown in Europe, simply making me feel included. This extended to other aspects of life where colleagues and new friends went out of their way to include me in all sorts of activities, leading for instance to no less than 5 Thanksgiving dinner invitations, of which I attended 2  and for the first time in my life got really sick from over-eating.

Apart from that, I honestly tried to follow the plan and recommendations Kelley had come up with regarding my nutrition. To have something else to do but work and rehab, I even went to a few cooking classes  something I basically knew how to do, especially kiddy food for André when he had been younger, but I had never been really good at out of lack of necessity since the women in my life had always been excellent cooks and bakers. Now I decided that if I was going to eat as well as possible, in portion sizes that agreed with me, I would at least see to it that the food was really good. Despite not drinking, staying away from sweets as far as possible, just having three healthy square meals with limited mobility of course made me expand even further. In the past, it had mainly been Sabines critical scrutiny that had kept me aware of the ups-and-downs of my weight. Myself, I physically was hardly aware of the changes until it was mostly too late. Or my clothes did not fit me at all anymore.

The latter was the case when I popped the button on the last pair of pants I could still fasten one evening when Dimitri  whose appetite was more than a match for mine, so he was nobody in whose company I had to restrain myself  stayed on for dinner. Being this really tall, heavy guy with an incredible physical presence, he was very easy-going and confident about his size, always very well, even stylishly dressed  all in all I admired and secretly envied his attitude. 

Noticing what had happened Dimitri shook his head saying, Uli  I think you can take it coming from me. You need some new clothes  all the ones you have are seriously outgrown. Theres nothing wrong with that, you just have to replace them with some nice new ones that fit.

I know, youre more than right, I sighed. All the winter clothes I have are from the end of my last diet period  so they were all bought minimum 25 lbs. ago. But Im not good at clothes shopping at all  and here in the US I am completely clueless as far as sizes and so on go. And now me being on crutches  what would you suggest? Mail order some fat guy clothes?

No way, Dimitri grinned, we dont want you hobbling around in some ill-fitting tents, do we? If its okay with you, I would ask my girlfriend Agnieszka to come along and fit you out. Shes my dress coach; shes the expert on big boy clothes.

Agnieszka  is she Polish?

Polish-American-Polish. On her mothers side they have lived here in the Chicago Polish community for generations  her father came here during martial law in Poland in the early 80ies.

Then the meaning of Dimitris suggestion really sunk in  and horrified me. Remembering several humiliating clothes shopping outings with Sabine, just the idea of having an unknown woman taking such a close inventory of my fat body to cloth it was enough to make me shudder. No thank you Dimitri, thats a very generous offer, but Ill manage on my own.

Dont worry, its no problem, shell love it!

No really, Im already enough of a burden on your time, forget about it!

Dimitri simply chose to ignore my position and picked me up from the office the next Friday accompanied by a tall, model slim, slightly pale Slavic blonde who belied her cool looks by having an infectious laugh and what seemed to be a bubbly personality. 

Agnieszka extended a hand laughing, looked me up and down in my really disgracefully tight, and mismatched  being the only ones that half-way fit -clothes and said, Oh yes, this is going to be fun! Well make all of you look really good! Dont worry, youll feel great afterwards!

Since Dimitri was also my ride home, all I could do was meekly follow them, not being able to come up with any halfway plausible excuse. Admittedly, Agnieszka and Dimitri together did a great job and managed to make me feel a lot more comfortable afterwards, now again having clothes that fit me and looked decent. 

We went to only 2 shops, Agnieszka expertly putting together some outfits and Dimitri helping me try on only the necessary items. What fascinated me most though was the interaction between big Dimitri and slim Agnieszka. She clearly was totally wild about him and his body, constantly hanging on to his love-handles, squeezing his soft flesh as far as acceptable in public and also choosing a few items for him obviously intended to high-light his size. 

To me in contrast she was very professional and sweetly considerate, leaving all the measuring and touching to Dimitri, immediately sensing that my ego was in need of clothes that did a good job camouflaging my size and selecting them accordingly. At the same time, she overflowed me with discreet praise and positive hints that made me relax and accept her judgment, before I invited the two of them out for a thank-you dinner at a Polish Pieroggi place Agnieszka suggested. 

During one of my next therapy sessions, I could not resist the temptation to ask Stella. I dont mean to be impolite, but did you set me up with Dimitri on purpose? Because you thought his physique might make it easier for me to deal with my weight and the rehab? 

That absolutely was not the main point, Stella blushed slightly and tossed her curls. Its true, I thought he might find it easier to relate to your needs than a tiny girlie. But I mainly chose him because I can trust him with such a personal matter. Ive known Dimitri and his family since he was 10  so I can absolutely rely on him. Whats more, he is one of the best students we have. Are you trying to complain about him?

No, not at all, on the contrary, I hastily replied. Dimitri has been a phenomenal help and has indeed made me feel much better in every respect. He even got his girlfriend to help me solve some winter clothing issues.

Agnieszka? Stella asked. Yeah she is a real sweetheart, Im glad he found her  his previous girlfriend was more in the constantly-berate-your-guycamp. I hope it lasts  stupidly both parents are non-supportive, since hers are devoutly Catholic and his pretty Orthodox  How out-dated a reason is that? 


Not only my daily life was on crutches during this period, but also my emotional state of mind. Sabines new love life still felt like her betrayal of me and our marriage. It hurt any time I thought about it. But the pain caused by our break up had changed in the course of the year: It started out as the dull pain of rejection  and over months had been the hollow longing ache of missing her to be now replaced by the sharp, cutting sting of betrayal, which in a much faster span of time than I had expected somehow cut loose the emotional bond I had still felt to Sabine. After a few weeks, my dominant feeling was that it would be the best thing if I never heard from her or saw her again in this life.

My emotional crutch of choice, finding an outlet for my messed up feelings was developing a serious crush on Stella. She was very pretty and sweet, did a great job in helping me with my rehab and was - because of her own background of having lived in Europe for 2 years - someone I found very easy to talk to. To make the most of our therapy sessions, I prepared them meticulously, not only being over-conscientious about doing the exercises she pre-scribed but also thinking about things to talk about she might find interesting or entertaining. 

After the initial disaster of her first touch it gave me a kind of perverse pleasure on the physical level to always have to try and control or hide my responses to her treatment, often leaving me beyond exhausted after the sessions. As a bizarre compensation for my attempts at self-control during therapy, I resorted to writing short blue-movie scripts with Stella as a heroine as my personal form of bed-time story, carefully saving them on a USB-stick I hid with my passport. 

If Stella ever noticed what was going on inside me, she did not show it. She was friendly, attentive, and never too personal. 

Dimitri though somehow seemed to have noticed what was going on, for he said one evening, as I was completely exhausted after trying over and over again to do an exercise Stella had prescribed without success. Look Uli, Stella really is a great girl. If you are so crazy about her, why dont you just ask her out and see how she responds?

Mortified, I sputtered something about being too old, a patient, unattractive, whatever. 

But Dimitri just grinned. Aw come on, where are your guts? Thats all nonsense, give it a try  Stella is 31, shes not that much younger than you are. And from what I know, she is completely open as far as body types go  shes had an average guy, an anorexic guy and a big guy. 

But for me it remained unthinkable that I should try to make a personal move on her.

So it came as a surprise when she asked me right after Thanksgiving. Do you have any plans for Sunday night? Because its St. Andrews Day, the patron saint of my familys village on Naxos and we are celebrating with a lot of people, friends and family. Would you like to join us, since you have never been over? 

Um  sure, thank you for the invitation; what do I have to do? I stuttered, not quite sure if my imagination might be playing tricks on me.

Nothing, just come by and bring a decent appetite with you. Ill ask Dimitri to pick you up to make things easier. 

The appetite clearly will be no problem, I grinned ruefully making her laugh, saying, Were absolutely prepared for that.

Waking up on the morning of December 1st with a splitting headache and one of my top 3 hangovers, all I could remember was that I had completely screwed up my first evening with Stella, and that I was not really sure how I had gotten home. My belly was still distended, meaning I had not only drunk way too much  the first drinks at all since my accident, no wonder it had gone to my head so quickly - but had also made a complete pig of myself with all the wonderful little appetizers that had been served: small cheese-and-spinach pitas, tomato and zucchini puffs, lamb and chicken Slovakia, grilled vegetables with garlic yoghurt, and at least 4 pieces of galaktoboureko, milk pudding pie, for dessert I was darkly aware of. 

What I had no memory of was talking to Stella at all  she had introduced me right away to all her extended family, where the first thing I was asked by some of the guys was whether Olympiakos or Panaithinakos was the better team  and I was not quite sure where the debate went from there, except also watching some match reruns and analyzing them. 

Cursing myself for ruining such a great opportunity to really get to know her better, I sent her a winter flower bouquet with a long thank you-&-apology note, trying to explain my awful behavior as soon as I was able to raise my head from the pillow and write a meaningful sentence in English.

In our next therapy session, I again tried to apologize in person and even thought of compensating for my boorish behavior by maybe inviting her to dinner, but Stella immediately waved it off. Uli, thank you for the lovely flowers - that was absolutely not necessary. Im glad you had a good time talking European soccer all evening. 

But it was awful of me I tried to interject, but Stella just laughed.

Uli, I have three brothers, a father and seven uncles alone here in Chicago - Im totally used to that kind of behavior. Actually, all the men in my family liked you and enjoyed your expertise, so just forget it. Now  Ive a new series of exercises planned to start working on the mobility range of your knee

With the approaching holiday season, I had to face the fact that I had a return ticket to Germany for December 22nd to spend the Christmas holidays there, something I was starting to dread. Christmas in my no longer existing home seemed nightmarish in comparison to the warm cheery Christmas and Hannukah parties I was experiencing. 

Somehow Astrid had telepathically sensed that this might be my problem for she had suggested on the phone, that I re-route my flight to Zurich and come directly down to her and Peter with André joining me there, where we could all celebrate Christmas together; giving André the opportunity to go skiing in Switzerland during his vacation. 

Relieved that André also agreed to this arrangement, I finished off a short series on comparisons of different holiday traditions and set to work on summoning up the courage to ask Stella out on for a thank-you dinner before I left for Europe.

On the morning of my last check-up in the hospital with Kelley and Stella, out of the blue, Sabine called me. I had spoken to her only once since I had found out about her and Jens  when she had finally had the nerve to phone some 3 weeks after my accident, and had cut that as short as possible. As she had tried to explain, I had just said and then hung up on her.

Your love life is no longer any of my business. We are both free to do as we please personally and professionally. I would just have appreciated it if you had told me yourself and not used André. You owe him an apology  not me. We can take care of everything else next year when I come back. 

Uli, how are you doing? I hope your knee is better, Sabine started out this time. 

Dont worry, Im fine, was all I responded, whats up, I dont have much time, my day is just starting here.

Uli  I would like to ask you a favor, concerning Christmas, Sabine said, sounding a little uneasy. You know, Christmas is a family holiday  and Jens and I are sort of getting to be a family now. We want to go spend the Christmas days with his parents and take André along. Would that be okay for you? You would see him between Christmas and New Year before he goes of skiing with Jens and the school team.

I was thunderstruck. You mean to tell me, Im supposed to see my son for only 4 days between Christmas and New Years after I havent seen him for almost 4 months?

Sabine snorted slightly. Well it was your choice to go away from home so you couldnt see him regularly 

Well, who kicked me out of my home and family, making it the best alternative to go move across an ocean? I lashed back.

Ulrich  be reasonable, its only the three days of Christmas, and André really loves going skiing with his friends from school. Its really important to me now, a first Christmas with a new family

I dont give a f*** what you consider to be your family these days! Youre not talking me into agreeing to this one! André is my son  and he is old enough to decide for himself how he wants to spend Christmas! Ill talk to him and see what he wants to do! hanging up on her and not answering the phone again.

Shocked, hurt and fuming, I immediately called André on his mobile. 

He sighed and said, Yeah  Mami has been on my back for sometime badgering me to join her at Jens parents, even threatening to take away my passport so I cant go to see you in Switzerland. I really liked the idea of coming down to see you at Aunt Astrids and go skiing there . But I would also like to go skiing with my friends from school  even though that now seems to be linked to me spending Christmas not with you but with Jens parents. I really hate that idea!

On an impulse, I said, Look André, I want to see you more than anything else. But I can understand that going skiing with your friends is also important to you. So now we have three options for Christmas: First  we stick to our plans of seeing each other at Astrids  which will probably get you in trouble with your mother. 

Second  we follow your mothers suggestion - you spend Christmas with them and go skiing with school. But in this case, to be honest  no pressure, I would admittedly stay here and re-schedule my flight to maybe your winter vacation so we can see a little more of each other. Im still on crutches, traveling is not that easy to make it worthwhile for just a few days. 

Now option number three is new - You can come over and spend Christmas with me here in Chicago  and maybe we can even, if my knee improves a bit and you help me out, go down to Florida for a few days of sun and sea. Why dont you think about these three options and let me know what you want to do . I will accept any decision you make. Now I have to be on my way to the hospital

Paps  are you serious? You would let me come over to Chicago now?

Sure André, Id love to have you here. But think about it, if that is what you really want. Im not in 100% shape yet, so you might have to make a few allowances. Send me an e-mail or SMS after you have thought it through.

Still upset, I took a cab to the hospital to the next low point of the day, starting the check up by me having to get on the scale, which read 250 lbs./114kg, up 10 lbs. in the last 7 weeks of watching what I eat but clearly not how much healthy food I eat. I clenched my teeth to stifle a groan.

Kelley and Stella seemed undisturbed, but went through a whole series more of test results and examinations, praising various improvements and ending in a series of recommendations. 

Uli, your overall health has improved over the past weeks. Some things are not quite as they should be, but are on their way. I would suggest you continue with the plan as we have set it up, including taking the extra calcium for your bones. Stella has set up a schedule for how to move along to get the full stability for your knee back. In case that one figure now inspires you to go on a diet, I would still advise against it right now. You need to continue eating healthily and get the special exercise you need for your knee. Should you really want to go on a weight loss regime, wait another three months  and then please only do it under strict medical supervision. You can come see me anytime you need to. Now have happy holidays!

Taking a deep breath, I nodded and did not look at either one. In this situation, it was completely unthinkable for me to invite Stella for that thank-you dinner  I was way too unraveled in every respect. 

On getting to my computer, I had an enthusiastic e-mail from André, saying he was delighted to come for Christmas including a whole list of last-minute discount flight options to Chicago. Since it was already late evening in Europe, I e-mailed him back that I was more than happy to have him here and I would settle everything with his mother.

Not feeling quite up to the job of writing Sabine a well-intentioned and constructive e-mail yet, convincing her to consent to André coming over  I started out by composing an invitation e-mail to Stella why I would like to invite her to a thank-you dinner, and why this was not a date. Then I felt detached enough to write to Sabine, asking for her agreement to let André come over for Christmas: 

_This is our first Christmas apart  its different in every respect. So I would like to really do something totally different with André and have him come over. I think this complete change might actually make it easier for all of us._ 

After re-reading my mail twice, I sent it. The next morning, I had two e-mails. One from Sabine, surprisingly agreeing to André coming over, understanding my reasoning. 

And one from Stella, accepting my invitation. I was shocked by the latter  I had never invited her, not daring to e-mail my draft  or wait, no - I had accidentally sent it out together with to one to Sabine. Now I was getting my wish  but did not really know how to handle it. How could I get through a whole evening with Stella without continuously embarrassing myself?

After I had managed to find a German restaurant which was not too Bavarian and had a half-way authentic menu, Stella and I met up there the night before André was going to arrive. I had put on my new suit and she was lovely in a very low cut dark purple dress which showed off her shapely cleavage and a slightly eccentric looking necklace. 

Thank you very much for inviting me, Uli  thats very kind of you to want to thank me for just doing my work. I dont know much about German cuisine except Sauerkraut so Im happy to learn, Stella said and then teased, I was surprised though to get an intricate written invitation from someone whom I had just seen hours earlier and who could have easily invited me in person by simply asking.

Blushing I managed to answer. Im better at writing what I really mean than at speaking about it  its my job. And Im sorry; I wasnt feeling my best that day of the check up.

You have no reason not to feel good, your knee has healed much better than was to be expected  and you can be proud of all the work you have put into your rehab. 

Before I knew it, I let it slip out, Yeah  but my weight has gone up again

Your weight is one out of many parameters for your health, Stella was considerate enough to say. You shouldnt agonize so much about it.

Shaking my head, all I could say was, At least I was tremendously relieved that you and Kelley have been so discreet and understanding about it. I especially would never have expected Kelley to be so tolerant

Stella looked amused. Appearances are almost always misleading!

Sorry  what? Why?

Kelley is extremely thin herself, right? So you automatically thought she is a diet fanatic, Stella elaborated. But people have very different back stories, things that actually drive them and frame how they see the world. Ill tell you a bit about Kelleys case to make you understand. Kelley has lost her younger sister to anorexia  and her son is more or less battling it himself. It seems to run in the family. This has made her extremely sensitive in dealing with all weight and diet issues, and just about the last thing she would do is pressure anyone into a strict diet, especially not in a case like yours when you already have a medical history with regards to it.

Oh  of course I didnt know that. Im sorry to hear that, I was struck, but then we had to order  suggesting _Rouladen_ for Stella and getting roast chicken with mixed salads for myself.

So Uli, whats your back story, what drives you? Stella asked next.

Um, I dont know  you already seem to know everything about me  you know my medical records, you seem to have exchanged more confidences with Astrid than I care to know about .Big sisters rarely convey an un-biased image of their little brothers I answered sarcastically, not wanting to talk any more about myself.

Smirking, Stella said, Objection  you know Im a big sister too! Astrid seemed very concerned about your well-being and to get you back in good health - that was my impression. And your medical records give me a whole lot of data, but that in itself does not tell the real story. So what is the real story?

Moving around, getting to know new people and things, trying to find out more about whats going on somewhere  probably general curiosity is an important factor for me, I started unsurely. But at the same time, Ive always needed a stable home base, this is the first time Ive ever really been away from home all on my own for a longer period of time. Up to now, Ive always had my family and friends like layers of stability around methe layers around me seems to be a general issue, looking down at the rings of fat around my middle, feeling uncomfortably exposed with where this discussion was heading.

With your profession as a journalist, that totally makes sense. And having met your sister and her caring attitude, I can see where you are coming from, Stella said warmly. I can also relate to family being really important  even though it can also be suffocating, she added on a darker note.


----------



## agouderia (Dec 29, 2009)

At that point in time, our food arrived and we tasted it, discussing the recipes a little before I had the nerve after 2 glasses of wine to reciprocate her question.

So Stella, you now know my back story. Whats yours, what drives you?

Fleetingly grimacing, Stella shrugged. Well, as I said, my family is also very important for me. But Greek families are very clingy; everybody is always in everybody elses lives. So ensuring my own independence, making sure I do what I want to do and what I am good at doing has also always been a driving force Hey, she suddenly interrupted herself, my eyes are up here, no more naughty looks down there! catching me eyeing her cleavage.

Swallowing, I improvised, Well I was just studying your necklace, it has the most unusual design. Which was true, it looked like 3 separate pieces of somehow smashed jewelry, pretty expensive looking diamonds, strung together by small chains in an uneven pattern. It looks more like three broken rings than a necklace.

Now Stella blushed a deep dark red, even visible in the dim light. 

It was at least 2 minutes before she looked up at me again and said, Thats a question I normally would not answer  especially not to someone who is my patient. But since you are the first male who has ever noticed, I think its only fair if I tell you the story. Those are my three engagement rings of my broken engagements respectively my one divorce.

Please  excuse me for asking, I didnt want to pry, I felt for her, imagining myself having to explain such matters to her.

No, its okay  I also know a lot more about you than I should about a patient, so its only fair if I answer, Stella assured me. Being the only girl in a successfully integrated but Greek family always put a lot of pressure on me to conform to expectations  helping at home and in the restaurant, taking care of my little brothers, being good at school, having nice, eligible boyfriends. While I was still at college  I have a BA in history and elementary education, something I never was really interested in, but being a teacher was considered good for girl  I got engaged and soon married to my then boyfriend. He was also Greek, son of a friend of family friends  the perfect match in everybodys eyes, except that we were not well matched at all. 

After college, we went to live in Athens for two years, he working in some family business they wanted to expand to the US  me finding out, away from my closer family, what I really wanted. One was finding the profession that suited me  its as cheesy as it can get. I attended a summer ancient medicine course at the original Asclepius sanctuary in Epidauros  and there had a brilliant French physiotherapist for that part that got me totally hooked on the subject and said I really had talent

Here I had to laugh. Indeed that would make a fabulous storyboard for a romantic medical comedy

Dont you dare write about that, Stella pinched me in mock threat. But anyway, I also found out I couldnt stand staying married to a man who saw life only in numbers on a balance sheet. So I came back home, got a divorce and studied physiotherapy joined with a MS program in nursing, because I felt a broader medical outlook probably was a good idea. That was the best decision of my life  my work, my practice, also teaching things I believe in, that is what I am really happy with

And what you are sensationally good at  I cant tell you how glad I am Tyler recommended you as my physiotherapist I had to fit in.

Thank you Uli, really. Needless to say, my family was not pleased at all. They were even less pleased when I started dating a doctor I met in the course of the program who was Irish American, not good, fifteen year older than me, bad. A Mormon, even worse and wanted me to move to Utah with him  unthinkable. 
Somehow he himself must have sensed that I was together with him mainly out of protest and that this was not going to work, so he broke off the engagement on the day I was last fitted for my wedding dress  another horrible bad comedy moment in my life  dont laugh. But he insisted I keep the ring.

Some more wine? I interjected and Stella nodded. 

Yeah, I can sure use that in the moment. Well, now to ring number three  thats the engagement that never actually happened, because I said no when he popped the question. We dated for 2 years, he is a totally nice normal guy, half Greek, worked here as a tax accountant, we had a fine dating relationship  but I felt something was missing. I never felt like he was really interested in what I thought or felt or me as the person I am  it was always more that I was the perfect girl to date and marry for all the obvious reasons and social expectations. Also, I was awfully afraid of making the same mistake for a third time. So I just said no, when he asked me to marry him.

Since she didnt continue, my curiosity got the better of me. And what about the ring? Sorry  wrong question seeing tears well up in her eyes and making me instinctively cover her hands on the table with mine.

No youre absolutely right, the story is not finished without that detail, Stella swallowed hard. He knew I had this necklace, because I had had it made with the 2 first engagement rings. So one day, I hadnt even noticed it was gone, I got the necklace back with the smashed third ring fitted in it and a note which read: _I cant give the ring to anybody else, it was meant for you. Keep it to always to remind you that you are not able to commit to a normal, long-term relationship  unless you learn that, youll never be a real and whole woman._

Thats unbelievably cruel  and definitely not true, I was shocked, seeing her really crying now. Im so sorry, I asked  I never meant to bring on all these awful memories unconsciously taking her hands in mine and rubbing one softly on my cheek. 

After a minute or so, she sniffed and withdrew her hands, got out a tissue and dabbed her eyes and nose. No, its okay. You deserved to know since you read the sign. And I know your back story of one long-term happy relationship and marriage gone bust over trivia. so we see eye to eye there. And since then, I have been keeping away from all overtures at relationships  because I honestly dont see anything I feel able to commit too.

Trying to get out of the awkward situation, I said, I dont know about you, but this is the kind of situation in which I unfortunately always need something sweet for dessert.. and seeing her nod, I ordered the Christmas specialties platter.

As we left the restaurant, Stella said, Thank you for a lovely evening, Uli and for being such an observing listener. Have a very merry Christmas and a much happier and healthier New Year, and raised herself a bit to give me the slightest of kisses on the lips, leaving me totally dazed.


The next day, I picked up André from the airport  fortunately I was able to drive an automatic again by now, and Tyler had even gotten me a nice Audi as a longer term rental over Andrés vacation, quipping, Being married to one of your people and constantly having to work with those crazy German engineers has unfortunately gotten me too convinced that your car manufacturing is superior to ours. Since our CoC has this agreement, why not make use of it to drive a good car from the _Vaterland_ while youre on the go with André?

On arrival, André hugged me long and tight in silence, almost making me fall over as he let go. He seemed to have grown a bit taller and maybe even thinner in the past months and had a more serious air about him. My mother and Astrid had sent tons of my favorite Christmas bakery and chocolate with him while my colleagues had touchingly made him take along what looked like a life-time supply of all sorts of homeopathic knee medications and ointments for me. 

I spent the days before Christmas showing him around Chicago as well as I could by car, sometimes letting him do some walking parts on his own and instructing him what to look out for. It took us some time to get used to each other again - the long absence and the difficult times in between had raised an invisible barrier between us. All in all, André treated me like a raw egg  something which is very delicate and must not be upset in any way, helping me way too much with everyday tasks and never once mentioning anything from back home that directly concerned me.

First I found this touching, but then more disturbing because it vice-versa inhibited me in my responses to him, so I told him, André, I honestly appreciate how you are trying to help me. Youre doing a great job  but I'm not an invalid. All I have is a normal sports injury, which is more than half healed by now after 2 months. Statistically, Im not on my way to the grave. Just treat me like you always have.

André was flustered and almost whispered, Im sorry I did anything wrong, what do you want me to do?

Touched by his unease, I said, Anything, get mad at me, tell me what Im doing wrong  even yell at me act like you always did - that would help.

André relaxed slightly and mumbled, Well get there again, dont worry.

We spent Christmas Eve and Day at Tyler and Anjas for their true transatlantic Christmas as they called it, mixing all the elements of American and German Christmas celebrations. Nevertheless, André and I looked at each other in surprise as we saw the most plain and traditional of all German Christmas Eve dishes  potato salad with Wieners  being served. 

Anja noticed our look and accusingly said to Tyler. See, I told you they would think it is ridiculously outdated to have that for Christmas Eve dinner! I spent all my teenage years fighting at home to get rid of that silly, tasteless tradition  and when I was 17 I was finally allowed to make the first coq-au-vin as an alternative. Now Im married to this Midwesterner, live in Chicago, and I have to fight the German culinary battles of the 1970s all over again. Christ, I would have preferred a nice juicy American hamburger with coleslaw!

So would I, André said quietly, sending all of us bursting into laughter.

I dont see whats wrong with Würstchen&Kartoffelsalat, Tyler argued. Its good to stick to traditions, even far away from your home, Anja. I love it when your grandmother makes all those old-fashioned dishes  and you wont even let me have goose for Christmas.

Goose, no way, Anja shook her head, Were having a nice, healthy American turkey from that small organic farm in Brown County. And you get your beloved _Klöße_ as well as _Rotkohl_ and Brussels sprouts, thats enough! 

Laughing I added, You two are having the classic ex-pat conflict, even though you are not a real German ex-pat yourself Tyler. Most ex-pats stick to customs and traditions of their country of origin long after the home society has moved past them  as an element of their identity. Personally, Im more than fine with a good American turkey, as long as there is enough of it.

Anja giggled, patting my belly. Dont worry; its a 24-pounder.

After Christmas, André and I did indeed set out to Florida. A colleague at the office had in-laws who rented out a small apartment at Fort Myers Beach and I had decided to drive there after André had pleaded, Paps, can we go by car to Florida  you know sort of like in a road movie? I know its hard for you to drive with your knee, but you seem to be doing okay with the Audi, and we can take longer breaks. I really want to get to know the country.

Since this matched my own wishes and interests, we did drive slowly through Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee and Georgia stopping pretty often to rest my knee or to look at things that interested us, like staying 2 days in Atlanta. Down in Fort Myers Beach we did have the luck to have almost summery weather, a more than welcome change after the icy Chicago cold. My lighter clothes were uncomfortably tight, but that was a small sacrifice to make. 

On our first day there, André immediately found a place to rent wind-surfing boards and went off to try it out while I watched from the board walk. After weeks of not being able to move properly, I was very keen on swimming in the sea  the only problem was getting in and out on crutches in the sand, but I would figure that out. 

So when André wanted to go wind-surfing again the next day, I let him out telling him that he would find me further down on the beach.

What do you want to do in the sand on crutches? André asked disapprovingly.

Im going for a swim, thats all. Ill manage, dont worry  go wind-surfing, I answered defensively.

André frowned. Youre going to put too much pressure on your knee in the sand without crutches, even for a short ways. Ill come with you and help you in and out of the deeper water were you can swim.

No  go wind-surfing. See you later, I turned the ignition.

André got back in the car and said, Youre not going into any water without my help. Youre crazy; youre going to ruin your rehab! Now drive.

Taking a deep breath, I said without looking at him, André, I know you are embarrassed by having such a fat father. I dont want you to feel uncomfortable being seen on the beach with my big belly hanging out in swimming shorts. Its okay  I understand, I dont feel too good about it myself. All I really want to do is go swimming.

André looked at me candidly and said in a low voice, No, Paps, you dont understand. Youre my father, thats what matters. I want you to be fine  and swimming is good for you. Im helping you into the water  basta.

Giving in, I let him help me in and out of the water, cringing at how my belly wobbled as I heaved my way through the sand. But I indeed would never have made it on my own and swimming itself was a wonderful, energizing experience. 

Thank you so much André  that was great, that was the best Christmas present you could have given me. You were right; I would never have made it without you. Im sorry Im such a whale here on the beach, putting my t-shirt back on.

Forget it Paps, its not important  Im glad I could help, André responded. By the way, whales are a protected species  were supposed to take good care of them. Now Im going wind-surfing, see you later.

As André came back from his wind-surfing hour, he brought 2 ice-creams cones with him, one normal one with 2 scoops for himself, and a large one with 3 scoops for me.

André  how do you think I will ever be able to keep this belly in check if you bring me double portions of ice cream? I was half annoyed, half touched by his so obviously trying to be considerate and accepting. 

Sitting down next to me, André mumbled without looking at me, Inka-Sophie says we all have our body types and we have to live with them. There is not much we can do to change so it is not fair to criticize people because of them

Baffled, I asked, Inka-Sophie  sounds like a smart girl. Who is she? Your girlfriend?

No, shes not my girlfriend, André blushed deeply and looked under himself, playing with the sand. Shes just a friend from school. She has really helped me a lot the past weeks and months  her parents got divorced a few years ago, so she knows all about it.

Oh André, I cant tell you how sorry I am that this is all so difficult for you, I sighed, guilt washing over me. Is there anything I can say or do to make things easier for you?

No, its good I could come here, I really like this non-Christmassy Christmas, André said, but somehow he seemed to need to unburden himself, so he went on. I got to know Inka-Sophie at the beginning of the school year; shes new at our school. And she had problems keeping up in German and Biology, so our class tutor asked me to help her out. Shes nice; it was easy working with her. After our fall vacation, when I went to Malaga  and told you about Mami & Jens while you were in hospital

Oh god, André, dont remind me of the biggest mistake of my life, I groaned. Can you ever forgive me for not speaking to you directly again I more than know it was not your fault.

Forget it, its over, it was Mamis fault, not yours or mine, André interrupted me. But I did feel terrible that first day in school after vacation when you hadnt called back for 4 days,

I cringed inwardly.

I felt I couldnt stand it in school. We had some sort of fight during recess, and  well  I somehow freaked out and locked myself into the boys rest room, the inner door and didnt come out, no matter what the other teachers, Mami, Jens or whoever said. I just sat there and covered my ears. After a while all was quiet  and then I heard Inka-Sophie say that she was the only one left. She stood there waiting for me and told me her story, of her parents divorce through the door  she had guessed that was the problem from what she already knewThen I opened the door and we talked a long while. She made me understand that I wasnt the only one hurt  she told me that you must be extremely badly hurt too, lying in a hospital bed with a broken knee, so far away, to find out Mami had someone elseyeahjust because youre an adult didnt mean you cant feel just as awful as I do. If it hadnt been for Isa, I probably would never have talked to you on that Monday afternoon you finally called  maybe not again until today. But Im glad I listened to her, she was right

Swallowing hard, I mumbled, Thank you so much André for talking to me again and for understanding me. I dont know what to say I think I would like to get to know Inka-Sophie - can I write her a thank-you note?

André shuddered. Hell no, youre not writing anything for friends of mine!

Smiling I said, André, I promise Ill try harder to be a good father for you  listen to you, help you where I can, try not to embarrass you

André shifted sand between his hands before saying very quietly, Youre okay, stay the way you are. Im sorry I used to make fun of your belly, that was not fairthats just the way you are. Mami hasnt been fair eitherand getting to know Jens, well - a thin father figure is the last thing I need in life

So Sabine had indeed traded fat me in for Mr. Thin  that was a clear message. Well, at least I knew now that my marriage was definitely over.

The New Year and its first days were wonderful with sun, sea, swimming and Andrés company, so I had to struggle to keep my emotions in check when I dropped André off at Miami airport for him to fly back home to Germany, promising that he would come back for Easter vacation. To make the most of my trip, I had decided to drive back via Alabama and Mississippi to New Orleans and then up the Mississippi via St. Louis to Chicago to get a better impression of the South. 

On some road in Alabama, on January 6th, my phone rang  it was Stella. 

Happy New Year Uli! How are you doing? Did you get my invitation for our Epiphany party? I somehow did not get a response to my e-mail.

Happy New Year, Stella! I responded, trying to remember whether I had gotten an e-mail, but could not think of one, even though I had checked regularly, also to keep Sabine updated on Andrés whereabouts. Im sorry, the e-mail must have gone lost, and I didnt get one. When is the party?

Today, Epiphany is January 6th!

Oh dear for a fleeting instant racking my brain whether there was any realistic option of getting back to Chicago by tonight  but there wasnt since I had to bring the car back. Im so sorry, Im somewhere in Alabama, I cant make it back todayMaybe there is another day

Okay, no problem, Stella answered. Have a safe trip! 

_Continued in post #27_


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## ashblonde (Dec 30, 2009)

I'm really enjoying this story! And not just how adorable I imagine Uli is  but there's some nice character development and psychology. Please keep this one going, it's very, very good :bow:


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## agouderia (Jan 1, 2010)

ashblonde said:


> I'm really enjoying this story! And not just how adorable I imagine Uli is  but there's some nice character development and psychology. Please keep this one going, it's very, very good :bow:



:bow::blush: - A great start for 2010 - I can't tell you how delighted I am you like the story and how much your praise means to me!

I've always loved and admired your stories - actually "She said, he said" was the one which won be over for the whole BHM genre.

I'll do my best to keep it going!


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## fatmac (Jan 1, 2010)

wonderfully in depth story!


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## chubsixtysix (Jan 4, 2010)

Ich liebe Uri!! Keep writing, Uri has years of his ex-wife's brainwashing to overcome. I cant wait to see him really accept himself like some of his new friends and his son have done. :bounce:


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## agouderia (Jan 4, 2010)

chubsixtysix said:


> Ich liebe Uri!! Keep writing, Uri has years of his ex-wife's brainwashing to overcome. I cant wait to see him really accept himself like some of his new friends and his son have done. :bounce:



.... how do you know it's Uli's *ex*-wife ??? :blink:

..... by the way, I'm till waiting for the end of your Christmas magic story I also enjoy very much....


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## chubsixtysix (Jan 4, 2010)

Ich liebe Uri!! Keep writing, Uri has years of his ex-wife's brainwashing to overcome. I cant wait to see him really accept himself like some of his new friends and his son have done. :bounce:


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## agouderia (Jan 6, 2010)

*[Authors Note:]* It's January. So here's the chapter matching the month.

*Part 7  Breaking free*

January is never a good month  cold, dark, a new year but almost never a fresh start. My January in Chicago, after 10 days in the sun and over three weeks with André was no exception. It was freezing cold; I was all alone, even Dimitri was no longer there as company. My knee started hurting again and healing progress was as slow as it always gets at this stage life strongly resembled a very gloomy tunnel with no light at the end in sight. After the holidays, the general state of mind strongly resembled a mental and emotional hangover, nobody wanted to party, go out, have fun, everybody sobered up drastically and got back to hard work, if they still had it. 

Gratitude for the latter saved me  seeing the much worse fate of several of my US colleagues, who were laid off at the end of the year or in the course of the month. Not only did I still have my exchange job but I also knew I had a permanent, decently paying one to go back to in 8 months time. This motivated me not only to get a good daily work load done, but also to revise and finish the first draft of my novel and send it to my publisher for review.

The combination of freezing cold and a lot of work naturally asked for comfort of some kind  and as often, food was my choice of solace. After I was surprised to have only put on only 2 lbs. over Christmas, January was less kind. My daily routine of working all day with a light lunch, but no longer resisting the brownie, cookie or cake with coffee and cooking a healthy, but always big dinner  like making half and not one-fourth of a classic 4 person recipe for me alone  before settling back at my desk with a warm, stuffed belly to work on my novel or blog, made my waistline expand back to my all-time high of 118 kg/260lbs in no time. 

But since it did not matter to anyone else  why should I care? There was no love life in sight that would be worth making the effort to control my weight. The only thing I continued conscientiously was going to the gym three times a week after work to do my rehab muscle building exercises since I was seriously afraid of maybe not being able to walk properly because of my knee injury, but none of it was exactly fat-burning. 

Most depressing for me on coming back to this icy January was finding out that I would no longer have the regular opportunity to nurse my hopeless crush on Stella. On returning from the South, there were no more physiotherapy appointments scheduled for rehabbing my knee, just the special exercises Stella had set up at the regular gym. 

So I called her practice, only to hear the assistant say, Sorry Mr. Rheinstein, your rehab is over, you are no longer on our list of current patients.

Slightly panicking, I asked, Could I please speak to Stella about this, I think some mistake must have occurred.

Sorry Mr. Rheinstein, she is in therapy right now.

Can I try and call again later? 

Sure Mr. Rheinstein, have a nice day.

When I called again later, she was in another therapy, the next time she had already left for classes. As I called again two days later, she had her assistant tell me that indeed my therapy was over and I should simply continue with my gym exercises.

Totally torn between my strong desire to have a chance to continue meeting Stella regularly and the fear of making myself completely ridiculous in her eyes, it took me two days before a hurting knee convinced me that desire and need were stronger than the fear of ridicule. 

So I went to her practice to try and arrange a new series of appointments directly. Her assistant was clearly irritated, but nevertheless told me to sit down and wait if I insisted on speaking with her. As Stella came out, she was surprised to see me, and gave a normal friendly but impersonal greeting. Uli, nice to see you, how are you?

Knowing that the socially expected fine would not get me anywhere, I launched into a lengthy description of how exactly my knee still pained me and that recovery was not as good and quick as I had hoped. I looked it up with my German insurance  normally they would have paid for 4 weeks of full clinical rehab. Doing only practice sessions from home they cover up to 80 sessions over an up to 6 month period. So far I have had only 25 therapy sessionsand I feel they have helped me more than anything... feeling mounting embarrassment under Stellas raised eyebrows and the critical scrutiny of her assistant.

Thank you for your praise of my work, thats very kind. But that is not in the regular rehab plan we laid out for you; it normally covers 6 weeks after the accident  and you even had 8 weeks. And Im pretty booked, I dont have time for you as an additional patient right now.

The horrible disappointment that swooped down into my stomach must have been visible on my face, as I stammered, reddening, But - my knee, really hurts, mistake in gym exercises, too uncoordinated, before my voice faded.

Stella smirked. So youre insisting we take advantage of the famous, generous, full-coverage German health insurance system and give your knee a little more of my personal therapy than our standards determine?

Not sure whether she was serious, I mumbled something like, Umnecessaryif possible

Im sorry, thats out of the question, and my schedule is already way to full, Stella started, before she stopped short, shaking her head. How am I supposed to say no, when you sit there looking at me like a lost puppy? Okay, I give up  you get a final round of 10 sessions in the coming 6 weeks!

Really? Is that possible?

No  its not really possible! But Beth here will somehow carve out 10 appointments for you. See you then! Stella concluded and turned to the next patient who had appeared in the door in the meantime.

Trying to mask my extreme relief, I arranged the 10 sessions with a grumbling Beth, who clearly did not agree with Stellas decision. At least I would still get to see Stella now for a while once a week  but I did not dare make any new overtures at inviting her to anything in private after she had turned down my invitation to make up for my missing the restaurants Epiphany party. 

We still talked regularly during my therapy sessions, but I was careful not to touch personal issues since I noticed that Stella herself stayed very neutral. In one of our last sessions, we were talking about new movies; I mentioned that I was going to see the new Theo Angelopoulos film The Dust of Time in a Sunday matinee. 

Wow  Angelopoulos, thats hard core art house, Stella said. Ive only seen 2 of his so far, I find the imagery spectacular but the storyline sometimes difficult to follow. And I have only gone with a friend from Athens so far, who - as cliché as it can get - happens to be a gay Ancient Greek professor specializing on poetry from Lesbos.

Laughing I casually asked her, Would you like to come along on Sunday? 
Why not? Stella half-shrugged. That at least gives me a good reason to hurry up and finish grading those papers for my course on Saturday.

This win fall set me thinking of how to make the most of this unexpected opportunity. Having lunch together afterwards would be a bit late, so I decided to try and introduce Stella to my personal favorite for Sunday afternoon, extensive German Kaffee&Kuchen. In preparation, I baked my mothers best apple cake with Marzipan-topping and Astrids easy to make but wicked chocolate Cognac cake  soaked with no less than half a pint of Cognac. 

As we came out of the movie at 2:30, it was snowing lightly and Stella asked, So, how about a coffee?

Hmm, actually, I stammered, reddening as always, actually I would like to invite you , in Germany at this time on Sunday, we have Kaffee&Kuchen, we bake a lot in my family , and its always been my favorite part of the day, as you can unfortunately see, looking down at my largest-size ever belly.

Okay, why not? Lets do coffee German style, Stella smiled. Where are we going to get that Kuchen you were talking about?

Ummm, taking a deep breath, I baked some. Im not as good as baker as my mother or sister, but its at least their recipes.

Now Stella blushed lightly too. Oh  thats really cute. Ive never had any guy bake a cake for me.

So we took the L and then walked back to my apartment, where I slipped on the snow at the doorstep slightly twisting my injured knee. Ouch!

Whats wrong Uli, your knee? Ill look at it as soon as we are upstairs. 

As we got into the apartment, Stella sat me down and examined my knee. I dont think anything is really hurt, but it is not fully stable yet, so you might have some swelling. Now sit down, prop it up, put some ice on it and tell me what to do to fix coffee.

Stella quickly set the table, made coffee and burst out laughing, as she saw the two cakes. I dont believe it - you baked 2 cakes for us!

Well, having no variety is considered poor style in Germany if you invite guests, I defended myself. And I can take the leftovers to the office tomorrow. Seeing Stella smile, I confessed. My sweet tooth and love for cakes and cookies has always been my biggest weakness  with all the negative consequences for my weight. I know its also not very masculine.

Stella smirked. I wouldnt necessarily say that. Youre right that many men try to convey the image of not liking sweets, maybe because it is somehow considered effeminate. But in reality, most men I know would live off meat and sweets if they could get away with it. Tasting the Cognac chocolate cake, she exclaimed, Holy cow, are you trying to get me drunk!?

Im sorry, I wasnt aware its that strong.

No, it tastes great, the first bite was just a total surprise, Stella stated after her third bite. You totally have to give me the recipe so I can make it for my father, hell absolutely love it.

Sure, Im glad its eatable and you like it.

Seeing me wince as I tried to get up to pour her more coffee, Stella said, Stay put Uli, let me get the coffee. Ill give your knee some manual therapy before I go, that should help.

Please Stella, dont bother. Its your Sunday, you mustnt work here.

Its not work, its helping a...well, friend. And dont you dare suggest charging it to your German insurance, Stella cut me short. Since its better done lying down -why dont you put on gym shorts while I put the dishes away?

Stella followed me into the bedroom and started working on my knee in silence. Lying in the comfort of my own bed, with a warm belly full of cake and therapy from Stellas hands, this required an overload of willpower to try and control my physical responses, making me very tense. If Stella noticed, she didnt say anything at first but after some time remarked, Are you okay? Relax a little, Uli! looking at me with an expression I couldnt read.

All I could do was nod and look at her with what must have been adoring eyes. She smiled slightly and twisted her lips, before suddenly stroking my cheek with her finger, ending under my chubby chin , lowering her face to mine and kissing me, starting by softly sucking my under lip. Needless to say that months of pent up emotions wiped out any rational thoughts and doubts - I was immediately incapable of controlling my physical reactions anymore but got an instant hard on, pulling her down into my arms and hungrily responding to her kiss, running my fingers through her thick curls. 

Stella did not let me hold her forever, but raised herself back up, murmuring with a mischievous small smile. I think somebody here really needs full body manual therapy badly. Well starting by moving up a little from the knee, 

I inhaled sharply at her touch moving up the insides of my big thighs and wanted to protest, but she put her finger on my lips murmuring. Dont speak. I know what Im doing, then moving further up, teasingly circling my groin, which almost killed me, before starting to unbutton my shirt, running her hands slowly underneath my t-shirt, sensually starting to grab her way up through my belly fat. By now, I was indeed incapable of speaking  I sucked my gut in as far as possible, shook my head and firmly grabbed her hands out from under my shirt pulling her up close and kissing her again. 

Stella returned my kiss, at the same time nimbly taking off my shirt, then her own sweater  revealing her beautiful plump breasts in a dark pink body suit  and then pulling my t-shirt over my head in one quick, hurting tug before I could offer any resistance. She ran her fingernails across my detested thick man-boobs before sharply pinching first one and then the other nipple, making me almost cry out, before bending down to kiss my chest. 

One of her hands wandered back down across my again painfully sucked in belly but I caught it, moving it up to my shoulder. Uli, exhale, let go! Doctors orders! That belly of yours needs some good manual therapy too. Now letting her hand wander along the sensitive underside of my belly, kneading its fat in rhythmic circles and pulling up the waistband of my shorts to tease my raging hard erection with her fingertips, feeling me all up, making me groan and forcing me to totally concentrate on not immediately coming. 

Shifting her position, Stella pulled off her jeans and let me catch my breath for a second before stretching herself out again on top of me, kissing me and then moving down with her mouth to my nipples and belly, at the same time continuing to stimulate my groin firmly but in tantalizing slow motion with the knee she had wedged between my thighs. My hands grabbed her buttocks, for the first time feeling round but firm ones, started kneading them, pulling her hard against me. 

I arched my back in trying to keep control and Stella used this second to pull off my shorts in a flash, exposing me fully. But she didnt give me a chance to think about it, with the same speed, she unhooked her bodysuit, pulled it up to her waist, straddled me and brought herself down with hot, tightly contracting muscles engulfing me. All I could do was claw the blanket and groan to not explode before she expertly started moving over me, jiggling my belly against her pelvic bone  though I was too far gone to care in that moment  until I very quickly could not hold it any longer and had a deep, shaking climax. 

Stella carefully let herself down on my belly, resting her head on my heaving chest, tickling my face with her curls while I gasped for breath. As I had halfway relaxed, she rolled off of me to my side and I pulled her close.

As soon as I was able to say something again, I opened my mouth. Im so sorry... 

But once again, she put her finger on my lips, nibbling on my ear and whispering, That was just fine, I know how hungry you were for me. That was my little therapy. Now relax, then it is your turn to give me some manual therapy.

Exploring Stellas body was such a change from Sabines, who had a slight, almost boyish figure with no real curves  so just running my fingers from the indention of Stellas small waist over the dune shape of her hip was arousing, as was having full breasts with very delicate nipples that filled my hand. Her backside was round and silky to touch, and the inside of her thighs was unbelievably tender. 

I fear I almost ate her up that first time, kissing, licking and nibbling on what felt like every inch of her body. She felt and tasted so good, I got completely lost in stimulating her with my mouth and fingers that I started when she suddenly dug her heels into my back and arched herself up before convulsing in short pants. 

By now, I was pretty hard again and I led her hand down so she could feel how badly she was wanted. Her practiced fingers gave me a breath taking massage while I sucked her breasts before she tried to pull me down on her  but my last shred of reason warned me not to squash her with my heavier than ever body. So I turned on my side and pulled her in front of me, entering her by spooning in from behind, my big belly resting on her shapely backside and holding her tight over her pubic mound to increase the pressure of my thrusting. First slowly then with increasing speed until I climaxed and we both fell in a panting heap. 

As a man, you can never tell with certainty how a woman really feels, even if you know her very well, but as Stella turned around, snuggled against my chest and rubbed my chubby cheek, she was kind enough to my ego to smile sweetly.

We lay there wrapped around each other for some time, before Stella shivered slightly and said quietly. Im cold. 

I pulled out a blanket and wrapped her in it, gently rubbing her again and then cleared my throat, not daring to look at her. Why did you do that for me Stella? Why did you make my dream come true?

Always the why question? Is that a professional deformity? Stella grinned. Well  first of all, I couldnt help noticing from our very first therapy session on that it most likely was a dream of yours I could make come true. Its intriguing and flattering for me as a woman to see a man who so totally and over months has the physical hots for me, I couldnt resist giving it a try. Also, I was pretty sure you would never make a direct move, no matter how many dinners, movies and so you invite me to  so I had to make the first move myself to find out more.

I kissed her again so I didnt have to respond to her not exactly uplifting assessment of my confidence, before she went on. 

There is the question of professional ethics thoughyou still are my patient, even though your therapy is almost over. It was easier for me to overcome that barrier because you are a foreigner, I was pretty sure you would never even think of suing me for making a pass at you, right? Seeing me shake my head, she added while starting to knead one of my thick love handles, Also, I really like you and have come to care for you. I can talk to you about many things Ive never been able to talk about to any of my exes, and you try so hard to meet my expectation, thats really sweet.

Thank you Stella, I cant thank you enough for what probably was the best night of my life, even though its only afternoon, Kaffee&Kuchen plus sex , that's so dreamy. I never even dared fantasize,

So, you think this should be a one-night stand? she teased.

Not daring to say that an every night stand would be fine with me, I opted for the kiss once more, letting my tongue play.

She responded warmly and then said, Uli -you know I am not looking for commitment right now- I want to figure out where I am heading on my own. So actually you being here only until the end of summer is a good thing. How about we just get together as long as we are comfortable with it, while you are here?

You mean like a so-called foreign affair?

Stella giggled. Yes exactly, no strings attached  just friendship and pleasure, okay?

More than okay!


My next few weeks were spent somewhere over cloud No. 9, breezing through work, only waiting to see Stella again. Despite my insecurity about what she exactly saw in me, I delighted in everything we did together and felt better than I had in way over a year. 

Even though Stella never alluded to my weight and body  maybe also because of her professional experience  I tread carefully to not embarrass her or myself more than necessary. I reined in my eating as well as I could so I at least did not gain even more weight. And never went on top in our love making as not to hurt her or make her uncomfortably feel how heavy I was. As keen as I was on seeing and exploring all details of her lovely body, I didnt want her to see the large expanse of mine all too clearly, so I always made sure the lights were low or I was somehow covered. 

Despite not knowing exactly what she told her family, Stella must have filled them in that we had some sort of arrangement, for she did openly include me in several events or took me along as her partner. In contrast, I was much more reluctant, not mentioning my relationship to her to anyone. 

Tyler totally caught me off guard one day when he asked me, Why dont you and Stella come over for dinner on Sunday to Anja and me? 

I feigned surprise, Why Stella and me?

Tyler grinned and clapped me on the shoulder. Come on, she is nothing you have to hide. Its great  youve solved that dating issue on the sly.

How do you know?

I hurt my back again so Im having physiotherapy with Stella  she mentioned it  and seems very happy. Tyler answered. I dont understand why you want to keep it a secret  both of you are non-attached right now. There is no reason not to be open about it. Be proud of yourself  shes wonderful in every respect.

Astrid also noticed that something had changed when we met in late February in DC, where she was at a World Bank conference while I attended a seminar on transatlantic culture exchange. It was warm pre-spring sunshine as we went for a walk and sat outside for coffee on the Mall, Astrid intently watching me from the side. So Uli, what has been going on in Chicago in the past few months?

Everything has been so much better since the last time you saw me. As you can see, my knee has healed as good as possible, work is progressing nicely, I responded evasively before trying to continue with a lengthy description of a new work project.

But Astrid interrupted me. Thats not what I mean. Something else must have happened , I havent seen you so content, at peace with yourself and  if you forgive me for saying so  in every aspect well rounded out since that time you visited us almost 2 years ago on your book promotion tour. It also seems youre more or less over Sabine and your marriage failing. Whats the change?

Despite knowing that Astrid had honestly meant it in a positive sense, the rounded out-phrase in combination with the 2 year reference let the most uncomfortable associations surface in my mind, looking down at the big stuffed pillow of a belly in my lap, wedged tightly into a small chair: There had been 30kg/66lbs less of me then  how could I possibly feel good about myself now? Why on earth was Stella putting up with this bulk?

Uli, hello, where are you? I think I deserve to know what has been going on in Chicago,

Astrid, you deserve to know more than anybody else, I sighed, trying to push the unpleasant thoughts to the back of my mind. Well, there has been a change in my personal life. Youre right, I havent thought about Sabine much anymore at all. Its Stella  shes more than just my physiotherapist by now,

Uli, thats wonderful! Im so happy for you! I immediately liked her when I met her at the hospital last October, Astrid gave me a warm hug.

Yeah, shes too good for words. And she likes you, too. The two of you can relate to each other , both struck with terrible little brothers. 

Astrid laughed. Now you owe me the juicy details,

Even retelling all the wonderful details of me getting together with Stella to Astrid could not quench the unpleasant thoughts that had surfaced in my mind. I brooded over them on the whole flight back to Chicago and couldnt even turn them off when Stella picked me up as a surprise from the airport. She had prepared a delicious smelling veal giouvetzi casserole in the oven, but I couldnt eat a bite, claiming I had already eaten on the plane. 

Stella quizzed me about my stay in Washington and I answered mechanically but couldnt really focus on the conversation. After a while, she suddenly snapped her fingers before my eyes, startling me. Uli, whats wrong? What happened in DC? You tell me you loved the city, your seminar was great, Astrid is fine, but you come back all grumpy and despondent, say youre not hungry and dont want to eat even though your stomach has been growling a symphony the past half hour.

Nothing, Im fine, maybe a bit tired.

Eyeing me critically, Stella got up, went into the kitchen, came back with a small plate of her casserole, half-settled on my lap and started to feed me, ignoring my protests. A small portion of dinner will do you good. And now tell me exactly what happened. It cant just be those negative political vibes in DC. What did Astrid say?

She said she was so glad we got together, she really likes you, the two of you have the big sister thing in common,

Yeah, always having to keep a close eye on those naughty little brothers, make sure they dont get into worse mischief, spooning some more food into my mouth.

Astrid even said she hasnt seen me so happy in at least 2 years, but I was not able to continue explaining from there.

Stella noticed and asked, What exactly was 2 years ago?

Um, that was when I was down at Astrids promoting my diet book. Did I ever tell you about it?

No, you didnt, Stella said. But Astrid herself gave me the basics when we discussed the therapy options after your knee surgery.

Oh, so you know all about my total failure?

I wouldnt say selling tens of thousands of books can be called a total failure.

But do you know that Ive gained back almost 70 pounds since then? How credible is that for a diet book author?

Stella observed me in silence for a moment, before saying, So thats the problem, youre berating yourself again over some weight and body issues, right?

Sighing, it burst out of me. Stella, why are you together with me? Dont you see Im way too big for someone as lovely as you? Why do you put up with all this fat?

Stella settled fully on my lap, pulled up my double-chin, forcing me to look her in the eye. Ive seen this coming, Uli. Ive been waiting for us to have this conversation about your weight and body issues. Dont think I havent noticed that you often flinch when I touch you, or how you constantly try to suck in your belly. Or that you never have brought yourself fully down on me?

Embarrassed, I lowered my eyes. I couldnt stand her warm, compassionate gaze, while Stella continued. 

Uli, there is no correlation between my affection for you and your weight  I dont judge people in inches and pounds. You are you, and your weight is a completely marginal aspect of who you are to me. Actually, I like your big appetite. Nothing is more frustrating than cooking for a man who constantly counts calories. Ive had that before.

But isnt it disgusting for you to touch all this blubber? Sabine always hated it.

Wait a second  Im Stella and nobody else, she said very strictly. And to be honest, no it doesnt disgust me at all  on the contrary, while starting to rub my belly, which I of course instantly sucked in. 

Let go, dont suck it in. I want to feel all of it, Stella ordered gently, going from rubbing to kneading my still sucked in belly. Uli, really, exhale. I can feel you are still holding back, before placing a practiced grip into my upper belly, forcing me to exhale. I cringed as I watched my belly inflate back into a big thick pillow, taking up half my lap and spilling onto Stellas thighs. 

Her only response was a small kiss and murmur, while continuing to knead all the belly fat she could grab. See, thats so much better. There is nothing wrong with a nice big, round belly. Im a very tactile person, thats maybe why I became a physiotherapist. You also know I like to cook; kneading different types of dough is something I love. Same goes for different body types  there is a huge range I enjoy working with. Difficult, mostly very sad and sometimes heart-breaking are only the absolute extremes of anorexic or immobile.

So I could never be too fat for you?

Stella shook her head. That problem is so many potential pounds away its not even worth thinking about it. My professional experience admittedly though  being relatively young, small, and female  is more with the other extreme: patients with anorexia. That is not only sad to see, but feels terrible to work with and is extremely difficult because Im always afraid of hurting them. But in your case, she started massaging one of my love handles firmly, grabbing down deep. First there is the soft flesh I can roll, now held in by your waistband, then underneath here I can feel strong muscles and finger my way down to the vertebrae, thats pure delight for me! causing me to sharply take my breath in. Can you feel it, too?

So its really okay for you if my body stays this big? I couldnt believe it.

Absolutely, I want you to feel good about yourself, be at ease with your body - thats whats important, Stella replied, sliding down from my lap onto the couch, pulling me over her. Come here - I want to feel all of you on top of me for the first time tonight. 


_Continued in post #30_


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## Tad (Jan 6, 2010)

Oh, three new chapters--pure bliss!

This is just such a wonderful story  I don't know if there is more or not, but if there is I'll read them eagerly


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## agouderia (Jan 6, 2010)

Tad said:


> I don't know if there is more or not, but if there is I'll read them eagerly



.... ooops, complete lack of technical skills again ... somehow the title of the next chapter was cut off! There's more to come ... after all, as we all know, a new love interest does not solve all problems, not even in fiction... 

:blush: ... I'm happy to hear you're enjoying the story so far!


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## agouderia (Jan 16, 2010)

*Part 8 - Running ahead*

As winter moved on into spring, I was as well-fed, well-loved and well-exercised as I could almost not remember anymore. Stella and her whole family were fabulous cooks, and my poorly controllable appetite led to yet a few more extra pounds, pushing me across the 120kg/265 lbs mark. A new all-time high. But for the first time my increased weight was no longer linked to - what I in hindsight had to recognize as  pretty dire sexual frustration. On the contrary, my sexual appetite and satisfaction surged since Stella was more than willing to fully participate in the tantalizing, irresistible physical attraction and erotic exploration that is part of a newfound relationship.

Apart from the wonderful exercise of frequent tumbles in the metaphorical hay, Stella paid professional attention to me sticking to my rehab plan. And being an active person herself, pulled me into all sorts of physical activities without being pushy or pressuring me.

Like going swimming on a regular basis  this was one aspect that forced me to start putting a lot of conscious effort into overcoming my body image issues. Stella had verbally and tactilely emphasized more than once that she was not put off by my thick and thicker padding  in turn I wanted her to feel like a desired love interest around me, not a surrogate therapist for a guy with an overload of physical and psychological hang ups; a role which I feared she might easily get fed up with. 

Our first outing to the pool one Saturday morning was an emotional nightmare for me. Not only had I postponed the occasion as often as I could, even though I had bought a new pair of very roomy swimming shorts to be prepared, but I also tried to find an excuse for going on my own instead of with her. 

When I complained about my knee aching one Friday evening at the movies, Stella said. Well see to that tomorrow morning, when you come swimming with me. I know some great underwater exercises which are much better than those on dry land in the gym.

Since we were spending the night together at my apartment, there was nothing more I could do but grab my swimming gear the next morning and meekly follow her. In the changing room, in front of a full length mirror, I felt nauseated seeing my larger than ever gut hang, like 3 over the waistband of my swimming shorts, supported by tree trunk thighs and topped off by the fleshy man-boobs I hated more than anything. 

Shuddering while going out to the pool, I was on the brink of retreating when Stella - sexy perfect in a dark red, low cut sports one-piece, talking with two model material males - waved me over. Hanging onto my arm, she unabashedly introduced me to them, some guys she knew from her university courses. 

All I could do was nod, try to suck my gut in as far as possible  the main effect of that being me getting short of breath  until they started quizzing me about an online-feature of mine they had read and watched about the differences in US and European male sports culture. So I had to exhale, my belly fat spilling even farther out in a series of quivers as I answered with mounting mortification. Stella chose to ignore my obvious discomfort and then led me into the water, where she did a series of  indeed very helpful  exercises with me before we went on to swim laps for almost an hour, leaving me totally exhausted.

This experience triggered my resolve to somehow come to terms with my body, my fat, my weight. If Stella was comfortable to be seen with a fat guy like me on full display in public, she deserved a half-way confident and competent one, not an overtly self-conscious wreck. It meant overcoming a lifetime of social conditioning, accepted visual perceptions, my personal history of Sabines rejection of my body and deep rooted insecurities - All in all hard work.

I started by making an effort to look myself up and down in the mirror every day, just to get used to the full expanse of my body to reduce the shock element on seeing the size of my reflection somewhere. Then I no longer looked away or skimmed over pictures or video footage of myself, but observed critically how I could present my bulk in the most appealing manner. Likemy belly looked more shapely if I stretched out my legs slightly in sitting or that a double-chin is more distinguished in ¾- than in full profile. Or that certain shirts and pants combinations fit better over my love-handles and round backside than others.

Oddly enough, one clothes shopping excursion  something I had learned to dread over the past decade, killing off the last rest of fashion sense or interest I probably never had in the first place  a little while into my weight acceptance self-therapy turned into a major ego booster. Since I had packed on around 40 pounds since buying my last set of summer clothes with Astrid, none of my lighter clothes fit me anymore  which I noticed when I made the futile effort to fit into the biggest ones I had, as Stella came in early on a warm spring afternoon, all ready to go in cute light jeans wear. 

Seeing my struggle, she playfully squeezed my love handles, kissed me and said, Oh goody, we get to go clothes shopping big time. Unfortunately, I know nothing about dressing up big boys, only little women. Would it be okay if I enlist Agnieszka again to come along and teach me? 

Remembering my positive first experience with Agnieszka, I agreed  and browsing through half-a-dozen big and tall stores with an attractive tall blonde and a gorgeous little dark-head to fuss over me turned out to be more fun than I had ever expected. Admittedly, I did mind having to try on all the different clothes  but since Agnieszka was a true expert in finding things that fit pretty well, not once was there a situation that something was too tight or way too large. 

It was sort of bizarre to be objectified, but Stellas and Agnieszkas discussion of the different options: Look, this shirt makes his eyes look incredibly blue! or I prefer the pants that give him the teddy bear behind. or That jacket creates the perfect shoulder-belly footballer line stayed on the entertaining side, and made me feel better about myself than I cared to admit. Best of all were some of the looks of pure envy I got from several of the other heavy customersselfish as it may be, it did wonders for my self-esteem.

The most obscure measure I resorted to was talking to my belly again. I had done that while I wrote my diet blog  in those days I had long debates with my belly how I could best make it shrink and go away for good. As we know  my belly had not taken me seriously and had kept the upper hand. Now I talked to it to find a way to accept it, make it feel and look as good as possible with the trade off of asking it not to be too demanding, not to get in the way when I least needed it or refrain from growling too often.

My friend Birger  who came over to visit out of curiosity to see how I was doing  caught me one day. Okay, that was not quite what I meant when I said that you should learn to accept your weight  telling your belly that it should please want only two and not three portions tonight because you dont want it to squash Stella. He laughed and shook his head. 

Foolishly I had tried to keep Stella a secret from him, but he had deduced the obvious from some remarks I myself and Anja made as well as from seeing me as relaxed and content as I currently was, and made me introduce Stella to him. 

Are you sure it is a good idea for you to be going directly for the exclusive thing again? Birger went on. Why dont you look around a little more? Im mean, Stella seems great  but how do you know she really is the one?

Im not saying Stella is the one, weve agreed that we are together as long as I am here... no more, I answered. But monogamy just happens to be one thing Im good at  in contrast to you!

Birger blushed, but grinned. As I always say, we cant all be good at everything. Are we going over to the Naxos again? The other day with Stellas cousin Artemis was fun

With Easter in sight, while we were discussing his vacation plans on the phone, André suddenly asked me, Do you remember that you said in Florida that you would like to meet Inka-Sophie?

Inka-Sophie? I scanned my memory. Oh, you mean the one who is not yet your girlfriend?

Well  I guess you can call her my girlfriend by now, André answered with audible triumph in his voice. Would it be okay with you if I bring her along?

I was torn  on the one hand I wanted time with André for myself and was not overly keen on more responsibility for another teenager I didnt even know. On the other hand, I wanted him to be happy now in times that were pretty difficult for him. 

Would her parents be okay with that? What does your mother say?

Why dont you just call her mother and talk to her  as far as I know shes fine with it, Andre not quite answered my question and gave me a phone number.

After arrangements for Christmas vacation had been rather smooth in the end, I was surprised to face two weeks of tedious negotiations with Sabine, André, Andrés principal and Inka-Sophies mother  an extremely shy, quiet women, which set me wondering what the daughter would be like  about how to organize the matter. 

Sabine was wildly against André bringing his girlfriend along, blamed me for causing trouble because I even considered having her over, and tried to convince me that André should definitely come only for the two weeks of vacation and stay with my parents for the other two weeks she was in Morocco. While the principal was open to extending his vacation a little for him to have more English immersion. Since I was very busy at the office, I half lost track of the different lines of argument which from a distance made little sense to me. 

Then, Sabine suddenly rang me out of bed at 5:20 a.m. one morning only to tell me that both André and Inka-Sophie would be coming in 48 hours, over a week earlier than ever planned and I had please to see to it that they had some meaningful language and American history instruction. Whatever you do, you must promise me that you will not let them sleep in one room! Make sure they are not too intimate! Dont let André be completely hen-pecked by her! 

Given the time of day and not having had coffee yet, all I could respond was, Sure, whatever, yesof course...e-mail me their flight number so I can pick them up before covering my head with the pillow again.

After a long wait at immigrations at OHare airport, I finally saw André in the crowd with a girl in his arm, whom he introduced, beaming with pride. Hi Paps, great to see you! Here  meet Inka-Sophie!

Herr Rheinstein, its such a pleasure to meet you. André has told me so many great things about his father. And just from knowing that you let me come along, he must be right. Thank you ever so much for having me, Inka-Sophie said in politest German.

My jaw dropped as the visual of Inka-Sophie sunk in. She was beautiful. Standing at least 61/184 cm, she had bright blue eyes, thick long wavy golden-blonde hair, a perfect peach complexion and an open smile. And she was a big girl. I guessed her to be, given her height, at least a size 48/18 and noticeably broader than André. She had a stunning thick hourglass figure with perfectly rounded shoulders, outstanding breasts, a relatively narrow waist with a nice tummy pillow, full flaring hips and a round behind, showcased in a jeans mini-skirt, and plump, but disgracefully long and shapely legs. 

I was completely bowled over  I had never expected André to go for this feminine type  but maybe I was only projecting my own tastes and experiences, which decidedly favored petite, brunette women.

Seeing me stare, Inka-Sophie and André looked at each other in mutual understanding, started giggling and then burst out laughing, as he said, See  I told you thats how he was going to react!

Inka-Sophie, welcome to Chicago, I got a grip on myself. Its good to meet you and have you here; you seem to make André very happy  and that is what matters to me. Please call me Ulrich or Uli  well be living under one roof for a few weeks now  always Herr Rheinstein would be too complicated.

Three people in my rather small apartment was a bit difficult  but I had decided to give Inka-Sophie my bedroom, I would sleep on the foldable couch in the living room and André would have to make do with a mattress in my study closet. He clearly was not pleased with this arrangement, but grumblingly did not pursue the issue when I said, Look André, you know full well that the deal with your mother for letting Inka-Sophie come along was that you sleep in separate rooms  okay? 

André with Inka-Sophie seemed like a completely new and different person  I was mesmerized watching their interaction during their visit which in turn came across as cute puppy love, playful siblings, a mature relationship-savvy couple, school mates and every once in a while disturbingly as budding eroto-maniacs. 

Over the past year, André had grown another good 5cm/2, so he was a match in height for Inka-Sophie, if not in build. But what was more: it felt as if he had matured and grown up in fast-forward, even in comparison to Christmas.

When I got up on our first day all together, the two of them were already in the kitchen, fixing breakfast  André cutting and mixing fruit with cottage cheese while Inka-Sophie was stacking complicated and extremely appetizing looking sandwiches. They sat me down with a pot of coffee and André discussed his plans for showing Inka-Sophie around town. 

Id like to show her what I came to know over Christmas. If its okay with you, we can pick you up at the office in the afternoon for coffee and you can add on what I missed out? he asked me.

Sure  no problem.

And then, André continued, when are we going to meet Stella?

I almost choked on my coffee. How do you know about Stella? Because admittedly, I had hinted at the fact that I was seeing someone in Chicago, but had not gone into details and had evaded the issue of André and Stella meeting with both parties out of a mixture of insecurity of how to handle the situation and slight embarrassment.

Aunt Astrid wisely filled me inshe said you wouldnt have the guts to tell me yourself  and that it was better for me to know before coming here. André grinned at seeing me reddening. And Birger supplied the details. Like that Stella is short, cute, Greek-American, a great cook, here lightly slapping my belly, but unfortunately und incomprehensibly only has eyes for you.

When and why did you talk to Birger about Stella? I was positively annoyed, because I thought it was completely inappropriate for my best friend with his amorous track record to discuss my love-life with my teenage son.

André rolled his eyes. You yourself sent me to your office to pick up those files from the archive with Birger! 

Somehow I had forgotten about that.

Inka-Sophie, who had been following this exchange with amused curiosity added, You dont have to be too embarrassed  9 out of 10 parents are completely incapable of informing their off-spring about changes in their love-life in an honest, open, acceptable and mature manner. Youre just following the regular pattern.

This remark left me completely dumb founded  and only after another pot of coffee, some fruit salad and a large, calming chocolate chip cookie was I able to contribute again. Okay, I can understand that you want to meet Stella. Ill call her up and see what we can arrange.

When I sheepishly told Stella on the phone that André wanted to meet her, she laughed. That serves you right! Ive been curious to see how you were going to go about this  André being here and you trying to see me in secret. I could never understand why you thought it was okay for your son to have to deal with his mothers new partner on a daily basis but must be spared the fact that his father also has a girlfriend!

Youre of course right, Stella dear. Thank you for calling yourself my girlfriend, that means a lot to me, because indeed I couldnt even fully explain to myself why I was so squeamish about introducing Stella to my friends and family; in part it was because I still was married to Sabine, ever though she was the one who had cut those ties  and in part because I did not trust my own luck at having such a perfect woman interested in plain fat me.

Stella came up with a good solution. Given this slightly complicated situation, especially since André has his girlfriend along, I would suggest we meet casually for the first time, not an official introduction of just the four of us. How about all three of you come over to our Naxos tomorrow  we have club night with a visiting Greek rap band from Crete.

Greek rap from Cretedoes that really exist?

Seems like it Stella giggled. And you can also talk to the musicians if that is something that professionally interests you.

Stella  that is a perfect idea. See you then.

When I was getting dressed the next evening to go out in jeans and dress shirt  which highlighted how very round I had gotten - I noticed André scrutinizing my body. Sorry son, I half-grinned, but I fear your father is more globe-like than ever  youll have to put up with it.

André blushed crimson before saying, Its okay, Paps. Where would we be without globes? And-as you may have noticedIve come to appreciate round forms

True to form, Inka-Sophie was a breathtaking advertisement for ample curves that evening in a black, halter neck wrap dress, with heels and her hair half-piled on her head - she was the vision of a 19th century Wagnerian statue. On entering the Naxos she got a whole series of wolf-whistles making André wrap his arm very possessively around her.

Stella greeted me with a light kiss and turned to André, extending a hand. Im so happy to meet you. You mean so much to Uliso its very important for me to get the full picture myself.

André in turn shook her hand, bent down and kissed her hello on both cheeks, Mediterranean style. My pleasure. My Aunt Astrid and colleague Birger have given you rave reviews  even though Paps here is somehow too chicken to come clean about his great catch.

Yeah  he sure has strange obsessions, Stella laughed, pinching my chubby cheek, while I reddened with embarrassment, heightened by the fact that my stomach let out its trademark growl. The buffet is over there, Uli  help yourself after I show you our table.

Inka-Sophie surprised and distracted me though in those minutes. First of all  having seen her up to now as a very warm and open person  her greeting of Stella was extremely formal, even cold and aloof down from the added foot or so she had on her. How do you do? Thank you for inviting me along.

And it came out not in German school English, but in a fluent Irish accent, making Stellas brother Nikos, who had joined us with a number of guys who came swarming over to take a closer look at her, exclaim, Uli  youre always a cause for surprise. How come you never told us you have an Irish super-model as a daughter-in-law?

André and Inka-Sophie both blushed and laughed  while I half-whispered to André, You owe me an explanationI thought the two of you got that extended Easter vacation to improve your English!

André shot me a guilty look and said, Later Papsits pretty complicated.

The evening fortunately was a success. André talked at length with Stella, I did almost excessive justice to the delicious buffet, until my belly was a heavy, stuffed dome in my lap. Inka-Sophie showed a great appetite herself until her belly was roundly distended in her clingy dress  and she also fed André at intervals. 

Take your father as an example  you can use a little more meat on your bones. 

The music was interesting in the cross over between Greek, oriental instrumentation and a mix of American and Italian rap elementsand it ended in dancing for everyone. 

Inka-Sophie rose immediately, rubbing her stuffed belly saying, Now Im going to dance some of this off. How about you? patting my bulging gut.

I shook my head, half lifting my heavy belly. Way too heavy now to dance it around, thus avoiding having to admit that I am a terrible dancer. Instead pulling Stella in passing down on my lap, hugging her tight.

Soon after Inka-Sophie sashayed off, joining in the dancing with spirit and talent, André  who had been glowering next to me for some time  joined her on the dance-floor with awkward moves. He had inherited my dislike of dancing  but was unwilling to put up with watching one guy after the other dance with his girl. 

Since I had two assignments to finish the next day, we didnt get around talking until evening, when I brought home 3 pizzas and made a salad, which we all shared  André and Inka-Sophie only picking at their food. 

Okay  lets get this over with, I finally said. I love having you here  that is not the point, you can stay as long as you like as far as I am concerned. But I deserve to know why the two of you came here early. Get over 2 weeks on top of your 2 weeks of Easter vacation under the pretext of improving your English. Something Inka-Sophie, from what I heard last night, is in no need of whatsoever. Your mother made a huge fuss first, insisting you come alone, definitely only for the 2 weeks of vacation, not during her project stay in Moroccoand all of a sudden, both of you come for more than double of the planned visit. Why? Whats the back story?

I went to school in Ireland, in Dublin for six years while my father was working there, Inka-Sophie quietly admitted. Sitting curled up, her chin on her knees and her hair pulled back in a simple pony-tail, she suddenly looked very young and vulnerable.

Maybe Id better explain  its probably easier, André said while gently rubbing Inka-Sophies back. Inka here has a massive problem with her English and gym teacher  who happens to be Mamis boyfriend Jens. Since weve been friends since last November and really together in January, this hasnt made things easier with Jens for me. Now the situation has gotten pretty much out of hand, with Inkas mother and grandparents on the brink of filing a disciplinary suit for his immediate dismissal. To calm things down a bit, give both parties extra time to think things over, Mami and our principal agreed that it would be best if she took some time off and came over with me.

Im so sorry to hear that, Inka-Sophie, I said, seeing her fighting with tears  but at the same time feeling a decent sized portion of Schadenfreude that this Jens indeed seemed to be as awful as I had always pictured him. What exactly happened, if I may ask?

Jens has been harassing Inka about her size in gym class since the beginning of the school year, André explained, always forcing her to do gymnastics she isnt physically able to do, like on the uneven parallel bars, just given her height  instead of letting her do sports shes good at, like basketball. Inka put up with that shit until Christmas, but since then has an official doctors certificate for not participating in gym classes, which was challenged by Jens. 

He also started picking on her in English classmaking fun of his pronunciation or keeping a running list of his many grammar mistakes in English. Things got out of hand when Jens purposefully threw a soccer ball at her head in class and hit her pretty hard beginning of last week, after she corrected him that it was Henry VIII who had six wives and not Henry XVI who had eight wives. Thats why were here. And that is the story why I vetoed Jens moving in with Mami  and her seeing reason that it was indeed not possible.

I felt incredibly sorry for Inka-Sophie  I could fully empathize with being taunted over weight issues; and if it was bad for me as a grown male  how much worse must it be for a teenage girl in the hostile public of a high school class room? I cant tell you how I feel for you, Inka-Sophie  you must have had a terrible school year. Thats an awful case of teacher harassment! As you will have noticed, I can relate to the weight issue. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Inka-Sophie wiped her eyes, straightened her shoulders and said, Thank you Uli  youve already made everything so much better by letting us come here together. Its not so much his making fun of my weight that bothered me  I know Im a big girl. I also know Im attractive in my style  he cant take that away from me. It was the constant aggression, having to put up with degrading treatment from somebody who takes advantage of his position of authority that really got to me. Going to school every day like going to the battle groundexhausting. And to make things worse, he is much more stupid than I am  that is so humiliating.

Her attitude stunned me  I had to admire her very grown-up approach. Yet I could also see why Sabine did not like her. As a teacher, she naturally had a problem with students like Inka-Sophie who accept authority based only on merit and not on position. 

Thank you for telling me what happened  I cant tell you how sorry I am André, that you had to stand all this on your own while I am so far away. Can you

Dont worry Papsyou dont have to apologize, André cut me off. Actually, I think it was better this way. For me it would have been even worse with the additional battle line of you on one side and Mami and Jens on the other on top of everything else. You couldnt have helped anyway  that was an in-school thing. Im glad to see youre doing so much better here in Chicago  I was really worried when I left you in January whether you were going to be okay.

There always comes a time when roles are reversed between parents and children  but this was way too early for André to start caring for me, instead of me raising and caring for him. I was honestly shocked at how adult his emotions had become. Thank you for your concern, André, I truly appreciate it  I only wish Id been as good a father as youve been a son in the past year.

Youd be a much better father if you finally got that great selection of ice cream flavors I saw you bring out of the freezer for dessert! André ended this unsettling discussion in a laugh.

That night, as I got up to get a drink of water, the door of my bedroom was ajar. On my bed, I saw Inka-Sophie spread-eagled across it, her hair tumbled all over the pillow. Spooned around her, his cheek snuggled against one of her breasts, was André  both fast asleep. I know I had promised Sabine I would make sure they didnt share a room, let alone a bed  but I did not have the heart to wake and separate them.


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## agouderia (Jan 16, 2010)

We had made plans to stay in Chicago for the first two weeks, André and Inka-Sophie attending some foreign student introductory classes I had found with Tylers help to meet their commitment to do some language training. Then we would celebrate Greek orthodox Easter with Stella before flying out to Las Vegas to see the Grand Canyon Arizona with the desert and then drive on to Southern California and a short trip maybe to Mexico. With André and Inka-Sophie then flying directly back home to Germany from LA. 

Towards the end of our first week together, André surprised me by coming into my office to pick me up alone. Where is Inka-Sophie? 

She has gone shopping and then is meeting up with Stella to go to Greek dance class with her, André explained.

With Stella to Greek dance class? I repeated. It did not sound very credible. To be honest André, so far Inka-Sophie has been barely polite to Stella.

Well, Stella invited herand I think it is an extremely smart move to get Isa to open up a bit to her. The dancing thing is something they have in common, André grinned.

And what are we guys going to do now?

I would like to ask you a favor, André didnt look me in the eye. Dont you and Stella need some down time of your own maybe for an evening or two? Couldnt you maybe leave your apartment to us for a night? 

I groaned, You know I promised your mother I would be a serious chaperon. Then after a moment of thought, What do Isas parents say?

Her mom doesnt say anything  and her grandparents like me.

That does not really answer my question. But Ill think about it.

Ironically, it was a phone call from Sabine that pushed me over the edge to give in to Andrés pleading. She called me at the office two days later, before leaving for Morocco to hear how things were going with André.

Everything is just fine, I assured her. André and Inka-Sophie are on their best behavior, no problems. They seem to be having a good time.

Thats good to hear. Inka-Sophie has been causing big problems at school. I hope she is more subdued and manageable when she comes back. And I dont want André and his image suffering when he gets back to school, Sabine stated.

Well, from what I have been told Inka-Sophie has been more the victim than the perpetrator, I remarked. And I dont see why Andrés image should suffer if he is together with such a stunning girl.

Ulrich  dont be ridiculous, even you must have seen how fat she is! You know how teenagers make fun of that and even ostracize their peers over appearance questions! Sabine sounded annoyed. And Im also worried about his health  André has a rather slight build and she is at least 25 kg heavier than he is.

That did it for me  I ended the conversation. Sabine  your weight phobia is getting completely out of hand! Dont ever dare talk to André or Inka-Sophie like that  that is mean, insulting, beyond cruel and worst of all, simply not true. Ill take good care of their physical and psychological well-being here  something I seriously doubt youre still capable of. Good-bye. Have a good trip to Morocco!

I hung up on all her other attempts to reach me and deleted her 3 e-mails without reading them. Instead I sent André an SMS wishing him and Isa a fun evening  and another one to Stella, saying I was coming over for the night. But I couldnt wait  I drove to Stellas last round of group physiotherapy exercises and participated in itfinishing off my physical exercise by greedily making love to her in the practice shower. 

Traveling from Las Vegas to the Grand Canyon and further on to the West Coast with André and Inka-Sophie was an interesting experiencebut somehow I felt slightly lost, as if I was traveling with them and not they with me - and I missed Stella a lot while I slept alone in various hotel beds. But all in all it was fun  the landscapes were spectacular, we decided Las Vegas was not for us. André and Inka-Sophie were lively, interested and energetic company.

We spent the last days of our trip to relax at something like a third cousin of Stellas who rented out small beach houses north of San Diego, where she wanted to join us over an extended weekend. André was wild about trying to learn to surf, so Inka-Sophie and I lounged on the beach watching his trials from a distance. The weather was already very warm. Inka-Sophie sat next to me like a goddess out of a Rubens painting in a navy 50ies style bikini which nicely showed off her plump flesh. While I was uncomfortably hot in a heavy dark t-shirt. 

As I started fanning myself with a newspaper, Inka-Sophie said, Uli, your belly has the right to see the sun, too  take off your shirt!

Um, I dont knowI dont have any sun-screen with me, I improvised.

Heretake mine. And Ill put some on your back if you dont mind.

As Andrés father, how could I possibly admit my insecurities to her, who was less than half my age but so much more mature in dealing with body image issues? So I pulled off my shirt, sucked in my gut as far as it would go and started applying sun screen while Inka-Sophie got up and energetically rubbed some on my back. IsaHow comewhy? I started involuntarily before biting my tongue.

What do you want to know, Uli? Why Im okay with showing off my big body in a bikini on the beach, even though it is socially unacceptable these days for a woman to wear more than a size 36/6? That it would be more normal for me to be wearing a tent and hiding behind a bush? Inka-Sophie asked. 

Mortified that she had somehow read my mind, I nodded.

Well, youre Andrés father and I know a lot about you and your family  maybe its only fair for me to tell you a little bit about my family and which lessons Ive learned, Inka-Sophie settled back on her towel. I had to decide when I was about 12 that my only chance for a happy, sane life was fully accepting the fact that I was going to be much bigger and taller than is the tolerated today for women. My mothers unhappiness and self-destruction set the truly deterring example. My parents are both tall and I totally have my mothers build and looks  but my father made her suffer for it badly. For as long as I can remember, he always taunted her about her weight, sent her away to diet farmsand, worst of all, continuously cheated on her with her visual anti-type - petite brunettes. Thats probably why I dont like Andrés motheror why I reacted so negatively to Stellatheyre both exactly that typeIm sorry, I hope I wasnt too impolite. Inka-Sophie hung her head.

Isa, please, it doesnt matter at all, Stella is not mad at youshe somehow understood that the situation with us as Andrés parents and our mixed up marital status is difficult for you right now

Thanks, Im glad to hear that. Stella really is very nice, she cant be blamed for having her body type either, Inka-Sophie grinned at me again. The same taste in women is really all you and my father have in commonand in your case its perfectly okay. They suit you and you havent hurt anyone because of it.

This made my face grow hot and me feel very uncomfortable. 

Inka-Sophie in her disturbingly lucid divination of my thoughts smirked. You probably read in some parenting guide book that this is a conversation you should never ever have with your sons girlfriend, right?

Yeah. but Ive come to notice that real life family crisis dont normally fit the guide book mold. Lets just say all of this is off the record, okay?

Sure, Inka-Sophie continued. My fathers abusive treatment nearly killed my mother; she is still suffering from it today. Over three years after the divorce. She found no way to stand up to him  instead she had bulimia, she crash-dieted, got hooked on all sorts of diet pills and anti-depressants, tried to commit suicide twiceseriously ruined her health over it. She wasnt able to be a real mother for me for years - if it hadnt been for my wonderful grandparents, I dont know what would have happened to me. So when I realized that I too was going to grow up to be bigger, taller and blonder than average, I knew that I had to love and live with this body nature has given meotherwise I would suffer horribly, not anybody else. And thats what I have been trying to do ever since.

Wow, somehow I wish Id met someone like you years ago. Now I understand why you know way too mature for your age about break ups and divorce. But Im glad André met you this year, youve helped him so much, I dont know how to thank you.

André and I met and got together just when both of us needed each other most, Inka-Sophie interrupted me. Hes much better than I am in seeing the positive in everything and trying to make everybody happy. He has also been a great help in keeping my self-image intact in the fight with that awful Jens.

Is André totally fine with- I started before realizing that this question was way out of line.

You mean whether André really doesnt mind that there is a decent quantity of fat on my body? Inka-Sophies eyes teased me over the rim of her sunglasses, laughing at my visible embarrassment. No somehow, as far as I can tell from his looks and touches, he is more than totally fine with it. He has confessed though that he often - out of habit, convention, anti-father rebellion, whatever - sided with your wife in making fun of your body and weight. I think he feels incredibly guilty about that. I hope you dont hold it against him.

No, not at allhe was never really mean about itit just has taken me much longer to start coming to terms with my bodyYoud make a great role model for many people.

Well first of all we are going to start this summer by turning Isa into a plus-size super-model, André, dripping wet, playfully scooted up from behind on Inka-Sophie, rolled her over and settled her between his knees, vigorously fondling her belly and hips and kissing her shoulders.

That sounds like a good idea.

Oh Paps, I think we forgot to tell you. Its all set. I knew it would work  thats why I took Isa along when I went to your office to pick up those files. Birger and some of your other colleagues immediately saw her potentialand took her over to the fashion section. Shell be doing the plus-size summer sea-side spread in three weeks, André beamed with pride.

Congratulations Isa, great work André  Im beyond impressed! Somehow I feel you dont need me as a father any more.

Nonsense Inka-Sophie cut me short. You always need parents who are willing to be there for you But now you need to get going, otherwise you will be late picking Stella up from the airport. Its high time shes coming, we can see how youve been pining for her giving me once again the uncomfortable feeling that she read my mind like an open book.

The next days with all four of us in the California sunshine were among the happiest I can remember at all  and it made the parting at LA airport all the more difficult. André hung his head and had pulled his baseball cap way into his eyes while Inka-Sophies were brimming with tears, I had a very dry throat and couldnt swallow enoughand even Stella was continuously rummaging in her hand-bag for more tissues.

At security, Inka-Sophie asked shyly. May I? before hugging me tight. 

Isa, its been wonderful getting to know you. Thank you for all youve done for André over the past months. Please take good care of yourselfand my boy here. If both of you want to, Id be happy if you came along for Andrés summer vacation.

Really Paps? André asked me while in turn giving me a bear hug.

Really André. Take very good care of yourself and Isa, dont let anybody pick on either of you at school. Call me anytime you need to  and tell me if there are any problems. Dont leave me in the dark. I can always write to someone at school or speak to them on the phone. See you for summer vacation.

After they had left, Stella and I walked back to the car in silence. Before we headed off, Stella kissed me deeply, tenderly, driving me half crazy by fingering the sensitive underside of my belly overhang in slow motion. FunnyIm really happy to have you all to myself againyet it feels incredibly empty without the two of them.


_Continued in post #35 _


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## Qit el-Remel (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not sure what else to say...so I'll say that this story is beautiful and leave it at that.


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## Tad (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow........what a treat


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## fatmac (Jan 23, 2010)

Not a dry eye in the house...


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## agouderia (Jan 26, 2010)

*Part 9  Getting there* 

Stella surprised me in early May by asking me whether I would like to join her traveling to Athens for her cousins wedding and an extended weekend with her grandparents on Naxos. 

Is it really okay if I come along, I mean Im not family or something? And I dont speak Greek. I doubtfully asked.

Youre currently an important person in my life, and I want Vassiliki to meet you, shes my favorite cousin, Stella assured me. Youll be fine. Most of my family speaks English and the groom actually studied in Germany, so some of his family even speaks German. If you want, you can also use the opportunity to fly via Germany back to Chicago and check on things there.

This set me thinking  I had not been back home for 9 months by now, nor to Europe at all-but I felt no desire whatsoever to return, I even feared it slightly. So I booked a return ticket on the same flights as Stella and did not tell anybody back in Germany that I was going to be on the same continent for a few days, especially not André -though he was away on a school trip to Poland anyhow.

The wedding was indeed as lively, colorful and lovely as Stella had predicted, Vassiliki and her Georgios getting married in a small white-washed church overlooking the deep blue Aegean in the complicated orthodox ceremony in which bride and groom do not utter a word. 

The celebration afterward was in a traditional restaurant on the beach with great food, live music and an especially touching speech duet between Vassiliki and Georgios  which I naturally did not understand, even though Stella did some interpreting. But alone their non-verbal interaction transported so much love and joy to be together, it was spell-binding. 

In this warm and happy atmosphere, I dared something I thought I was not going to do again in a long time, if ever. Something Stella and I seem to have had an unspoken mutual agreement not to do it. At the end of the speech, while everybody was clapping and cheering, I had my arms around Stella, wrapping her tightly into my big body, I whispered the taboo word in her ear, I love you Stella. I really love you. 

Stella turned in my arms and looked at me, smiled with tears in her eyes, shook her head and turned to kiss and congratulate Vassiliki.

These seconds were never mentioned during the following days we passed on Naxos at her grandparents in almost Arcadian bliss. Sitting in the sun, swimming in the sea, eating wonderful, way too abundant spreads of food, sleeping in each others arms in the most appropriate and inappropriate situations  completely losing touch with reality, literally living on an island of our own. 

Reality did not hit until the day before we left when I decided to check my e-mail  finding a whole series from Sabine in which she told me she had been desperately trying to reach me, but had not gotten an answer on any of my phone lines. Guiltily I realized that I had left my US mobile back in Chicago and was using my German one again in Europe without telling anybody, only having spoken to André via Skype from Athens. After some debating what to do, I called her in the later afternoon to ask her what was up.

Sabine, hi, you tried to reach me. Im sorry, Im on the road a bit doing some research, stretching the truth a little.

No problem, Uli. Thank you for calling back. How are you, how is your life right now? Sabine asked.

Since blissful did not seem like the right answer, I opted for the vague. Oh, everything is fine, no reason for complaints. Is there anything in particular you would like to talk to me about?

On the other end of the line, there was a moment of quiet before I heard Sabine take a deep breath and say, Jens and I broke up two weeks ago. Im on my own again

Oh... was all I was able to respond, before Sabine continued quickly. 

I would like to sincerely apologize to you. Ive been absolutely terrible these past months; I dont know what was wrong with me. Or why on earth I let myself be influenced so much by another person to hurt those who are nearest to me? Uli, I know I dont deserve itcan you somehow forgive me?

Her voice was choked by the end. Meaning hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving me speechless for a moment. I had to swallow hard a few times before answering. Its okay Sabine, dont worry about me. I think its more important for you to apologize to André and Inka-Sophie. They had the harder part. Ive been away safely on the other side of the ocean, had my own life.

Uli, I cant tell you how sorry I am! Also that I left you all alone after your accident and even ruined your coming home for Christmas how can I ever make up for that?

Sighing  because the memory still stung, but at the same time it seemed incredibly remote  I said, Forget it Sabine, thats spilled milk. Yes, it really hurt thenbut Astrid was over and made sure I was well taken care of. And André and I had a great Christmas vacationwhich definitely was the much better solution than me coming home.

Sabine now was crying on the other end, and I did not know what to say. Sabine, dont be upset, its okaywe can talk later.

But Sabine audibly blew her nose, and went on. No, Im okay. Thank you so much for being so generous and understanding. Uliwe need to talk more in detail how we want to move on with our life. Weve been separated for about 15 months by nowwhat are the next 15 months going to look like?

Since this was currently the question I dreaded most, Sabine got no answer so she continued. 

I think we need to talk in person with some time on our hands. Are you coming back to Europe anytime soon, before the end of your program? If not, I could maybe carve out a few days off over the May holidays the end of the month.

Looking out the window and seeing the EU flag flutter smartly next to the blue-and-white stripes of the Greek one on the other side of the square in front of the small mayors office gave me a guilty jolt, so I responded quickly. Ill look into it and get back to you soon, Sabine  on what might be the best solution.

Not wanting to face anyone, I left Stella a note, took my small notepad and went for a walk out of the village. Up the steep hill, puffing my way up to the big rock from where there was a spectacular view all over Naxos. The deep blue Aegean surrounding it and the neighboring islands of Paros and Amorgos, and I tried to sort my thoughts. It was almost sundown when I saw Stella climbing up to join me. 

Whats wrong? she asked, settling next to me.

I had to talk to Sabine. She and Jens split up. She says we need to talk about the future of our marriage.

Okaythat was likely to happen sometime sooner or later. So now you want to re-route your return ticket and fly back with a layover at home in Germany?

Shaking my head, I showed her the long pro and con list I had written. No, I dont want to face a show-down with Sabine in my old home environment. I dont think I can stand it right now. I want life to go on like it is until August 31st  its bad enough I have to go back to my old reality then.

Sowhat are you going to do about Sabines request? Stella expression was half compassionate, half critical. 

Ill write her an e-mail saying I cant make it right now and suggest we put everything on hold until I get back. I dont see any point in meeting with her at all, to be honest, sighing in slight frustration and slapping my belly. She made it a pre-condition for getting our marriage back on track that I permanently lose 40 pounds. Instead Ive gained more than another 40 pounds.

Are you sure that is still her position today? Stella wanted to know.

Of course, I said scornfully. What should have changed in the meantime  shes been together with a totally skinny phys-ed teacher? No chance she would even remotely consider resuming marital relations with another 60 pounds more of me than the last time we tried. She has been on my case because of my weight for a decade by now, not only in the past 3 years.

Stella raised her eyebrows and looked slightly doubtful but only said, We should be going back before it gets dark. You still need to shower before we drive down to the harbor front for fish dinner.

Sabines response to my e-mailed suggestion of postponing all discussions about our future to September was that she had booked a flight to Chicago over the Pentecost/Memorial Day weekend and she would be very much obliged if I could maybe pick her up from the airport and arrange a hotel room.

Stellas farewell from her grandparents on Naxos was extremely tearful, while my unease resulted from seeing the tiny propeller plane that was supposed to take us back to Athens airport. Not the reassuring big ferry boat we had come on. Not only the plane was tiny, the seats seemed to be even tinier. Naxos definitely had done nothing to shrink my body, on the contrary  the Greek custom of placing all tempting dishes on the table and people helping themselves was deadly for someone with my appetite especially in combination with feeding your guests to bursting as the most prized tradition. So my belt was on its last notch and my belly had something of a swallowed globe look by now as I tried to squeeze into one of those miniature airplane seats  without success. Stella saw my plight and quickly raised the armrest, letting my bulk spill over onto her seat, and then giggled as she saw that there was only an odd double seat-belt option with a sheer endless belt that we had to wrap around both of us. 

Perfect set up for us, right? she smirked. 

After an extremely wobbly flight  which left no capacity for brooding over the seat problem  I went into the pharmacy in the Athens airport mall and got on the metric scale. It read 125kg/275 lbs.  meaning I had put on an additional 15 lbs. since getting together with Stella  and almost 50 lbs. since Sabine last saw me. Looking at my reflection in the window panes I saw a really fat, tanned man who was physically totally rounded out as Astrid liked to say. My globular belly as my most prominent feature was balanced by a round backside with fully grabable love-handles, a very fleshy chest and thick shoulders, round apple cheeks and a round ring of a double chin under my face  this entire heavy upper body supported by thick legs that strongly resembled Dorian pillars. Looking around, I was not that unusual a sight. According to EU statistics, 78% of all Greek men are overweight, making them the fattest in Europe. 

When we got on the plane to Chicago, I fit into the seat fine but had to struggle to make the ends of a rather short seat belt meet under my belly until I was red in the face and slightly out of breath. 

Stella wrapped my arm around her, snuggled against me and said, Warm me, its cold in here. After a while she added in a low voice, Im proud of you, Uli. Youve been working so hard on dealing with your weight and body image issues and are doing a good job. I havent heard you agonize in a long timeonly a self-deprecating comment every once in a while, thats fine. You were so relaxed this past week on Naxos, let me touch you all over, even went shirtlessand youre so cuddly.

I kissed her. Thank you, I never knew you paid attention to that. I didnt want to bore or annoy you with my issues, so Ive been trying to reduce them, if Im not able to get rid of them. It seems Im meant to be fat in this life- so I at least want to try and live comfortably with this fact.

Of course I pay attention to you, Stellas wrapped her arms around my XXL middle as far as they would go, squeezing the thick flesh roles on my sides, sending tingles of pleasure down my spine. Im happy to hear you now feel comfortable with yourself and us  you have no reason not to. Always tell me if I can help in any way. You dont bore or annoy me.

Youve already helped me so much by just letting me be the way I am, trying to verbalize my thoughts while my fingers played with her curls. You accept my big body and subtly make me get the exercise thats good for me. You never put pressure on me when my appetite gets the better of me. Thats wonderful. Youre right  this past week has been like a dream for me. It has made me feel so fully content Im not even really afraid of facing Sabine with 125 kg in 2 weeks time. There is nothing I can do about it anyway  I would by now need 2 years of hard dieting to get back in a shape she would consider to be okay. So Im going to concentrate on preparing for what she might have to say, thats the best I can do.

Stella sighed. Thats a good approachI dont envy you though. But right now, lets look back on our wonderful time on Naxosits early enough if reality bites in 10 hours time on landing.



When I picked Sabine up at OHare Airport I was surprised and relieved at how normal and familiar it seemed. Seeing her move through the barrier at customs, she looked slight and a bit colorless to me- being now more used to Stellas vivid Mediterranean good looks and shapely curves. 

Lightly hugging her into my almost beach ball like belly I said, Welcome to Chicago, Sabine  home of Al Capone, Barack Obama and the Cubs. Thank you for taking the trouble of coming all the way out here. You poor thing look completely exhausted after working in the morning, long delay in Copenhagen and now the endless immigration procedures. Lets get you home to rest as quickly as possible.

Even though I had a hunch that André had forewarned Sabine that I had not lost any weight in the meantime, on the contrary, I could see her eyes widen in slight shock as she looked me up and down, realizing just how big I had gotten, but not saying anything.

Reddening, I grinned. You did warn me that the home country of super-sizing might rub off a little bit on me, giving my belly a slap that sent it off jiggling. 

Uli, Im so glad I made it. Its so good to see you. How are you doing, how has work been, how is your knee? Sabine asked.

Everything is just fine  knee is still supporting me, work has been an incredibly interesting whole new world of ideas and insights. English has improved dramatically. I dont regret a single minute of this year so farwell maybe the minute I fell in that soccer match and ruined my knee. I responded. In the back of my mind, I immediately revoked the last statement  I didnt even regret ruining my knee. It had been a semi-ruin before anyway  and without the accident, I probably would never have met Stella.

Because of the holiday weekend, I had not been able to find a decent and half-way reasonable hotel room, so I had decided to let Sabine stay at my apartment. As soon as we got there, I made the bed for Sabine, telling her to sleep in the bedroom while I would use the sofa in the living room.

No, please Uli  I dont want you to give up your own bed, Sabine argued. I can sleep on the sofa too  or look, its a very wide bed, I wouldnt mind if we share, slightly blushing and hiding her face. 

Sabine, it is 9 p.m. local time  4 a.m. your personal time. Youve been on the go for 22 hours, you need a good long nights sleep right this minute  and my bedtime is still a few hours away. Now rest, well see to everything else in the morning  when you probably will wake up very early until your inner clock has adapted to the time change.

After breakfast the next morning  where I clearly restrained my portion under Sabines intent gaze, although she made no remarks  we spent the day sightseeing, since she had never been to Chicago. It was fun for me as a local to show her the city, my favorite places and we had a genuinely good time. Sabine even surprised me by insisting on taking me to lunch after my stomach had growled twice audibly, waving my protests off with an, If youre hungry, you have to eat.

In the evening we stayed in since Sabine tired early, and as we sat together. After a small dinner, she did move in closer, leaning her head on my shoulder, asking me to tell her more in detail how Andrés two visits went from my point of view. I showed her some pictures and clips, and she tentatively stroked my cheek, neck and back, yet steering clear of all my soft, fleshy parts with her hands. Whether this was conscious or sub-conscious, I did not know. 

With slight shock I noticed that her touch after so long time did not trigger any physical reaction in me anymore. It felt as soothing and familiar as my mothers or Astrids  instantly remembering Stellas first touch in my physiotherapy and its mortifying effect. The flash of memory was enough to immediately give me  what half an hour of caresses by Sabine had not achieved - an uncomfortably strong erection, fortunately well hidden under my belly. Sabine didnt notice, she was half asleep by this time and I convinced her to go directly to bed.

Stella and I had agreed that I would spend the time with Sabine while she was there and we would not see each other. But I could not resist the physical longing I felt for her and quietly left my apartment to drive over to Stellas. She raised her eyebrows on seeing me in the door, and slightly resisted as I pulled her into a tight embrace, kneading her curvy derrière, fondling her breasts and kissing her neck while giving her a jumbled, incoherent account of what made me come over. 

She shook her head slightly and smiled ruefully. I knew you were a married man, I knew what I was in for. Somewhere down the line one always ends up feeling a little bit like a call-girl.

This remark knocked the wind out of me, my arms dropped and I hung my head, trying to back out the door and mumbling. Sorry, I shouldnt have come. I promised I wouldntI dont want to make you feel second-class.

Uli, you still dont get the irony thing, do you? Stella said sternly, pinching my double-chin and slightly winking at me. Im not mad at you  Ive always been fully aware of your situation and you never led me on. I knew the moment would come when you would have to bite the bullet and figure out whether your marriage has a future. And I know this isnt easy for you. Its okay if you feel you need my company right now  weve gotten very close. Im not offended. Since youre here, sit down, Uncle Spilios brought me some of that homegrown awfully strong Rosé wine of his you like so much. So tell me how everything went.

Slowly, unsurely I gave Stella, not daring to touch her, an account of my 24 hours with Sabine. Sensing how tense I was, Stella softly started to give my body the kind of loving attention I had come to crave, that had made me seek her out then and there - and that I could no longer see myself living without. She kneaded my thick love handles where they rolled tightly over my waistband, stroked my double chin, cradled my man boobs in her hands and indiscriminately rubbed, shook, patted, fondled the big belly that filled over half my lap. This was first calming, then relaxing and in the end again arousing as the jiggling of my belly flesh spilled down into my groin.

I groaned slightly, trying to hoist myself up. See Stella, thats why I felt I had to come. You make me feel good about myself and my body; you almost convince me that all this fat is right where it belongs. Youve spoiled me rottenNow before I lose control, I dont want to take advantage of you, I have to goWe said we wouldnt do this.

Stella grinned slyly and pulled me back down on the couch. Youre welcome. I like it when you feel good about yourself, but since weve come this far, violating our agreement, now its your turn to make me feel good about myself, pulling open her button-down t-shirt in one smooth move.

Even though I got up very early the next morning and picked up fresh sesame seed rolls from the Greek bakery on the way, Sabine was already up and dressed when I got to the apartment, accepted the rolls to put them on the breakfast table and purposefully ignored the fact that I had clearly not spent the night in the apartment.

Sabine was staying five days and it became pretty obvious that she was making a tremendous effort to be kind and loving, evoking all the positive memories in our joint history. Calling André and telling him what a good time she was having and being affectionate without getting too intimate. 

We even steered clear of a real argument regarding the question of Andrés summer vacation in the US, and whether it was okay for him to bring Inka-Sophie along again. 

Sabine was against it. André and Inka-Sophie have gotten way too close for teen boy and girlfriend. You think theyre married if you see them together. Thats far too much commitment! Shes way too grown-up, to domineering for him, even though they are the same age  Im afraid hell get his heart broken sooner or later!

Everybody gets their heart broken sooner or later in life, I tried to reason. And if it has to happen, I think it would be much better for him to suffer his first heartbreak over somebody who is worth agonizing over, which Inka-Sophie, as I have come to know her, really is. Speaking of closeness, I think the two of us should not underestimate the amount of moral support and emotional stability she has given André during our break-up  things which should have come from us. But we both were too selfish, wound-up in our own problems and to be honest, somehow immature, to fully notice and make the necessary effort.

Grudgingly Sabine acknowledged. Yeahwe were not the best of parents over the last year. And I admit I am slightly prejudiced against her because of the dispute she had with Jens at school  even though she was absolutely in the right there. Jens had no business harassing her because of her size  and he is also not the most competent of English teachers. But I always have the uneasy feeling, that she doesnt like me at all.

Knowing what I knew about Inka-Sophie, I half nodded. Dont take that too seriously  I hear its common that mothers of sons dont get along with their sons girlfriends. The only thing about Inka-Sophie I dont like is her height...but thats my personal issue. Its fine with me if they want to come over together againIve looked into a sailing summer camp here on Lake Michigan, André is really keen on teaching her how to sail.


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## agouderia (Jan 26, 2010)

On the third evening, we went out to a nice dinner on the lakeside and on the way back, she did move in much closer, kissing my neck and firmly running her thumb up the inside of my thick thighs. In the elevator, she put her arms around my neck and kissed me, tentatively slipping her tongue between my lips. Ironically, this did not so much arouse me but triggered all the old patterns of self-consciousness and evasion regarding my big body, steering my responses. 

_Oh dear, Ive eaten too much for dinner, let her not notice._ 

So I pulled her in my arms on my side, away from my full belly. 

_My middle is enormous. She mustnt try to fit her arms around it._

So I half hoisted her up so she had to leave her arms around my neck. 

_Im so heavy. Please dont let her feel the weight._ 

leaning back so she came more on top of me. 

As we entered the apartment, Sabine led me directly into the bedroom, starting to unbutton my shirt. I stopped her short there, something subconsciously inhibiting me from going any further, and gently but firmly grasped her hands and kissed them, looking her in the eye and shaking my head.

She sighed and said. Youre already committed to her, right? I shouldve knownits probably the best in you that you are truly faithful.

I stared at her in wonder, that she had immediately sensed what I hadnt even admitted to myself. 

You sometimes understand me better than I do myselfbut Sabine, we need to talk about why you came here. We cant postpone this forever. Can you please answer two questions for me? sitting down on the bed.

Okay, youre right. Which questions do you need answered, Uli?

I guess  just from you making the effort of coming here and being very sweet to me the past few days  you would like to give our marriage a second chance. Why? I noticed that look of shock when you saw how fat Ive gotten. 

What do you mean, why? Sabine looked uneasy.

I mean  why do you think our marriage deserves a second chance? Which reasons do you have for wanting me back in your life? What has changed since you suggested we separate over a year ago? By the way  all of that put together is question number 1! I explained, trying to keep the tone moderate.

Sabines finger traced the quilt pattern for a while before she spoke up. Because being together with you probably is the most important part in my life. I miss you a lot. I made a huge mistake in believing that leaving you would change my life for the better. All my friends who said I would be sorry were right. 

But why exactly do you miss me?

Why I miss you, Uli? Sabine frowned in concentration. Ive thought about that a lot. I miss you because it takes us three, together with André to really feel like family. I miss you because I can absolutely trust your commitment to our marriage and family. I miss you because I can really talk to youand actually get a response. I miss you because you have a warm and relaxed approach to lifeYou were right, having breakfast on the balcony together is much more fun than going running together in the rain. I miss you because-now this sounds stupid- its pretty fun being married to you. You have an eventful job, you bring home interesting stories, go to interesting places  sometimes I can even go along  its not always the same routine. Being with Jens showed me that my life would be dead boring if I actually got together with another teacher.

The latter made me laugh because it was exactly why I had backed out of becoming a teacher myself, saying, Thank you, all in all you make me sound like a pretty decent person. Thats saying something for somebody who knows me as well as you do.

Youre a great guy, Sabine exclaimed. I cant tell you how sorry I am it took me so long to fully realize it. Christiane was right when she said that I took you for granted because I didnt have any comparisonEspecially that I can absolutely rely on you being faithfulit wasnt until that happened with Jens in Morocco that I 

What happened in Morocco? I asked carefully as she didnt continue.

That was the final straw for me to break up with him, Sabine shook her head. Do you know that he actually hit on a Moroccan colleague, a married Moroccan colleague, in a Muslim country? That almost ruined the project  the Moroccan schools wanted to call it off! They only gave in after our school board agreed to take Jens off the project, put him subject to a disciplinary ruling and issued a formal apology. Can you imagine how humiliating this was for me, since everybody knew we were there as an item?

Im so sorry to hear that Sabine, thats awful, I took her hands, which were very cold into mine. I understand youve seen our relationship and my contributions to it in a new light. And I see why  that answers my first question. Now to my second question, I paused, searching to piece together the words. Can you whole-heartedly accept my weight as part of me, even as heavy as I am now? Can you live happily with my big belly physically between us?

Sabine sat there, looking down, not saying anything before she raised her head, looked me into the eye and firmly said. Of course, I want you back as my husbandand that means all of you.

Are you sure? Are you sure you want all 125 kilograms of me back? slight disbelief in my voice.

Uli, I know I hurt you badly more than once with my critical comments about your weight. It was beyond absurd to mix up your commitment to maintaining a certain weight with your commitment to me and our marriage. I hope you can forgive meWill you give me a second chance? What do you thinkcan we start over as a couple?

I shrugged helplessly, too many thoughts running through my mind that moment for one to come out articulately.

Sabine tried to stress her point. Most things in life come as a package, Uli. If you want whats in the package you have to take the whole package, and you have to take the size the package comes in. Most women wouldnt take half of whats in their mans package if they could choose. Im one of the lucky few who can love everything  well maybe not your obsession with soccer  in her mans package. I was very stupid to try and trade in the size of the package. I swear it will not happen again. 

Despite her pleading look, I slightly shook my head. I dont know Sabine. It feels good to hear you that like the contents of my packagebut I still dont see you wholeheartedly accepting the sizeI have some horrible memories of you rejecting my body, they havent fully healed yetYou know I cant promise to diet down to, and successfully maintain a weight you find truly okay  now less than ever.

How can you know, Uli? I can learn, Ive already started to change my attitudegive me a chance, let me show you, Sabine insisted.

Sorry, I hear your words, I try to believe you, I interrupted her. Sabine, do you know that you havent once dared touch my belly since youve been here? And thats a major achievement, since youve touched me a lot and my belly makes up a big part of me these days.

Sabine was taken aback. Im sorry Uli, I didnt know it was okay for me to touch your belly. I always thought that was too uncomfortable for you, that you were ashamed of itIf you want me to, she tentatively put her hand on the upper curve of my belly, stroking it a bit like she would a baby.

Sighing, I put my hand on hers. See Sabine, thats exactly the problem. Youre right, Ive been ashamed of my body, this big belly in the past, grabbing it to make it jiggle under her hand. But that was mostly because I felt you were ashamed of me having it  that was the vicious circle of your loathing and my self-loathing in our relationshipAnd I have trouble imaging you can honestly overlook that in the future, putting Sabines hand back in her lap.

Uli, all I can promise is that I will honestly do my very best. Please  cant we try and truly start over? I mean, we could even think about another baby, like a really fresh start, its not too late. Do you see a future for our marriage? What plans have you made?

Now that was the difficult question, I had been avoiding any thoughts that had future tense in them as well as possible. I dont know, Im pretty much living in the present tense right now. I havent thought about my life lately beyond August 31st.

We had agreed that we would only take a break from our marriage, right? That we would reassess it at the end of the year? Now its 5 months laterI tried to explain to you why I think we should give it another tryHavent you thought about it at all?

To be honest Sabine  no, I havent thought about it in months. After I received the news that you were together with Jens last fall, I guess that more or less ended our marriage for me. It took some time to sink in, but in the end it spared me having to make up my mind about our relationship, I felt you had decided that for us. And that meant for me I had to get over it  but then was free and entitled to go my own way, get involved with Stella. You told me two weeks ago you split up with Jensand now you tell me that you want us to get back together, no strings attached. This has caught me a bit unawaresBut it means I seriously have to think about what I want my own and our future to look like. And I need time for that, give me some time.

Sabine looked thoughtful. I see, somehow I never saw it that way. I had always assumed you got involved with Stella to pay me back for my getting together with Jens. But please think about it. Give me and us a second chance.

When I brought her back to the airport 2 days later, I saw her questioning look as we said good-bye.

Sabine, Im thinking about what you said regarding the future of our marriage. This is still too fresh. I havent made up my mind. Ill work on it and let you know as soon as possible.

I informed Stella about what Sabine and I had agreed on and asked her to put things on hold until I was sure what I wanted my future to look like.

It took me about twelve days, six bottles of red wine, 21 beers, 15 tablets of Swiss chocolate, 3 pounds of oatmeal-raisin cookies, 237 miles on my bike and an unknown quantity of letters typed into my computer before I felt I could trust the vision of what I wanted my life to look like. Which work I was going to have to put into it, which risks I was willing to take, that had slowly surfaced before my inner eye. 

After waking up early I took a long bike-ride through a very quiet Saturday morning, a warm breeze on my cheeks, my belly jiggling comfortably under my loose T-Shirt  and on getting back to my apartment, I acknowledged to myself that I had made up my mind definitely.

Without even showering, I sat down at my computer and typed a long e-mail explaining everything to Sabine, that I wanted an amicable divorce, that I would always love her as Andrés mother and a big part of my life, that I hoped we could turn from husband and wife into best friends.

And I answered the why? question I myself had asked her: 

_On breaking up you had made it clear you no longer trusted me to commit to keeping my weight in check for the sake of our relationship. You were right- staying more or less thin is one thing in life Im not good at. For me its a rather hopeless battle  it takes up too much of my time and physical and emotional energy  assets I prefer using on things in life that are more important to me. My big appetite and love for good food unfortunately are an integral part of my personality  and by now, I have started to accept that and feel comfortable in my fleshy and heavy body. 

Now you say you want the whole package of me back, no matter which size the package comes in. But vice-versa, I feel I cannot trust you to commit to honestly overlooking my weight in the long run. I would always be afraid you couldnt really love and accept my body as part of me, no matter what the numbers on the scale show. I dont ever want to feel as bad about myself again as you have been able to make me feel  nor do I want you to feel unhappy with yourself and our relationship because I am forcing you to accept a size that is against your inner convictions. _

I reread what I had written three times, ending that I would call her up soon so we could talk - divorcing via e-mail was not my style - and sent it off before I went and showered.

After that, I sent Stella an SMS inviting her for a picnic dinner on the lake and rang Sabine up, who was crying on the phone and hung up on me. An hour later I tried again. 

Sabine, are you halfway okay? Can we talk? I asked carefully.

Yes, she sniffed. Are you sure you want a divorce now? Cant you come back home first and we try living together again for a few months before we do anything definite?

Sabine, Im so sorry  doing this via phone and e-mail is terrible. I sighed.

Weve been separated for almost a year and a half by now  moving together again would be like starting over, that takes an enormous amount of energy. And Im afraid we might ruin the friendship we still have if it doesnt work out. I cant honestly see us sticking to a matching set of new ground rules in the long run  and we would most certainly hold this against each other sooner or later. Right now we have the advantage of distance on our side  time wise, geographically, personally, emotionally. Lets use it  it will make things easier and hurt less. Can you see that?

Sabine cried softly on the other end, before responding. This is so sad - this is the end of us as a family. And its my fault  I shouldve been more tolerant and accepting. But I also want André to continue respecting us - so trying to revive something you cannot fully believe in might end more than just our marriage. You were right - I was shocked at how much more weight youve gained in Chicago  and at how at ease you seem with it. Thats a big change andlike you said, it probably would be difficult for me to fully accept it, I would be willing to try  but I couldnt guarantee that it would work.

Do you want to talk to André first or shall I? Actually, I would ask you to do it first and then call me up so we can do a kind of conference call; that might be the best way to handle it. I dont want him to hear first over a phone line. Is that okay with you?

Of course. André will be back in an hour  well do it right away then.

Well work this one out too, in a decent fashion. _Ich hab Dich immer noch lieb, meine Sabine_, take good care of yourself, I said.

Are you planning on staying in Chicago with Stella? Sabine asked.

I dont know, my personal and professional future is completely up in the air right now.


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## agouderia (Jan 26, 2010)

The picnic I had planned for Stella in the park turned out to be on her living room floor, due to an untimely early summer thunder-storm. I explained at length to her, what and why and how I had decided to get a divorce from Sabine, ending. I still yet have to figure out what my life will look like exactly in the near and mid-term future. But Im too afraid of a terrible déjà-vu to try to revive my old life at home in Germany- even though it technically would be the easier and safer option right now. Id rather stay alone than ever again feel so lonely and rejected in a relationship  especially now since Ive come to know how accepting it can be. Ive let the taboo L-word slip I think you know how strongly I feel for you. You said you dont want commitment or any plans beyond August 31st. Nevertheless I will violate this rule of yours and say one thing. All I know for sure is that I want you to play a leading role in my personal life beyond August 31st  if you will have me.

Stella had been listening attentively, now she seemed a bit incredulous. Are you asking me to marry you?

If you want me to marry you  yes I probably would do that. If you want personal commitment without legally tying the knot  thats fine with me too. I dont care about the format  I just want us to stay together.

Stella wordlessly slipped onto my lap, wrapped her arms around me, hugged me tight, just snuggling close for few minutes before she answered. You seem like the least likely thing to happen to me  a foreign, married patient, who appeared at a point in my life when I was consciously avoiding relationships. But maybe thats exactly what tempted fateand no, no matter what I said, I dont want to imagine saying good-bye to you any time soon.

Warm gratitude washed through me and all I could think of was to kiss her in affirmation.

Stella broke the kiss quickly, saying, But now we have practical things to considerhow are we going to make this work? After all, we can by now count the days you still officially have here in Chicago on your exchange program. 

Thats something Ive thought about a lotIts not going to be easy in practice with your life here and my normal one on the other side of the Atlantic. First of all, I have to go home at the end of the program and take care of the divorce proceedings, but normally that should go pretty smoothly. Sabine and I have agreed on everything, weve been separated for over a yearonly catch  hooray for German bureaucracy - could be that they ask us to balance out our very different pension schemes. Thats usually required. But since Sabine and I havent been married for that long it should

What do you meanSabine and you havent been married for that long? Stella interrupted me.

Um... yeah, sure. But we didnt get married until the day before André s 12th birthday. Did I never mention that?

Nowhy? Stella looked slightly shocked.

For no reason in particular. It never seemed that important  we were family with or without the marriage certificate, it made no difference. We had originally wanted to do it on his 10th birthday, but I was too fat for Sabines groom standards then. But its not unusual at all  in big Western European cities many couples live together for ages, have kids, before getting married, some never do. In Germany 36 % of all children are born to non-married couples, in France even 48% - those are not all social outcasts, its totally normal.

Okaythat still is pretty different here in the US. Co-habitating, especially with children, is fully accepted in very few social circles. People more or less expect you to get married after you have lived together for a year, maximum two. Many people still dont actually move together before they marry. But I can see you point  my own marriage and engagement history is not an advertisement for rushing things. And from how Ive come to know youIm not worried about you committing without tying the knotWhat about your professional plans?

Shifting Stella a bit in my lap, I sighed. Thats a bit more of a problem, if we want to make our transatlantic relationship here work. I could try to get a job with a German media outlet, my own publishing house or another one, here in the US. But that would almost certainly mean moving to New York or DC, less likely LA. Or I could try to work free lance from here in Chicago, but I dont know whether that would pay the bills, let alone how to get a green card for that.

Marrying me would solve the green card issue Stella commented.

Yes, it would. But I would not want to put pressure on you because of that.

What about your job back in Germany? Stella wanted to know.

I can definitely go back to that, thats always the fall back option if nothing else works out. But I feel like moving on to something differentthis year has made me want to change things, not only personally, but also professionally. I just got an e-mail from my publisher yesterday, offering me to apply for the vacancy as editor-in-chief of our online edition.

That sounds great! Stella exclaimed.

Yeah but it wouldnt solve the problem of you working here and me working there. Thats way too long distance for a relationship.

Stella looked at me from the side. Well, I could work in Germany, if you wanted me to. Okay, I dont speak German, but I could probably learn pretty easily  I speak Greek which is also a complicated, hyper-grammatical language. Thats an easier transition than from English. And besides, the advantage of physiotherapy is that you can do quite a lot and good work starting with limited vocabulary, technical terms are very similar, most of them being Greek. Also, Id have to look into this more in detailthe University of Chicago, where I teach some courses, has an exchange program  we do love those transatlantic exchange programs dont we, she interjected, squeezing my double-chin, with your hometown university. Maybe that would offer something

Stella that sounds wonderful! Would you do that for me, come with me back home to Germany? I cuddled her closely, delightedbefore reality hit me. But what about a work permit for you? Its not that difficult for US citizens, but it would take some timeagain unless we got married

Stella knocked me slightly against the head. Ulisometimes you are too busy trying to find the hidden agenda in everything that you overlook the obvious! Do you remember when we arrived at Athens airport for the wedding? Why did we stand in the same line there and had to take separate lines getting back to Chicago?

No idea, I shrugged, not knowing where she was heading.

Because I have a Greek passport, you sweet dummy! Ive dual citizenship, my grandparents insisted on us kids getting it. That makes me an EU citizen just as good as you, meaning I can live and work in Germany anytime I like!

Oh dearhow embarrassing not to have paid attention to that, sorrythats fantastic! deeply kissing her. On a calmer note, I was unsure. Would that really be okay for you, to move away from here, your home, your family, try to re-establish yourself professionally across the ocean, learn a new languagejust for the sake of a relationship with me? 

I could give it a try, Stella responded. Ive been here all my lifeId be interested in trying something new. I dont have to give up my shares in the practice, so that would be there to come back to. PlusI really enjoyed the two years living in Europe in Athensyou can do so many interesting things on short-haul over there in the old world

But where I live has nothing of the sunny warm charm of Athens I reasoned.

Of course notstill, I would be much closer to my grandparents in Greece, now in what are probably their last years in life. And I know what it is like to live in a cold, wet, windy townthat would be no major change, Stella concluded.

So how do we go about this?

Wellwhy dont you write down  writing is your job  the various options we just discussed, and then each of us will work through his/her options, maybe do some informational interviewsAnd then we can see what really materializes.

Stella  youre adorable!

In the meantime it had stopped raining and Stella asked, Why dont we go out onto the porch?

We settled on the wide swing, Stellas head in my lap, her feet hanging over the arm rest. Tenderly looking up at me, Stella said, Mr. Rheinstein, I have some news for you tooIm pregnant.

My jaw droppedAnd it was at least a minute before I could utter anything. But why? And when? How do you know?

Too much Sex on the Beach is not just dangerous as a cocktail, darling, Stella quipped. We got slightly carried away on Naxos, more in line with Dionysian practices than safer sexWhat do you think, how do you feel about it?

I was so stunned; I did not know what to say. Its so unexpected, its wonderful, I love children. Imagine how lovely one of your children will be

It will be your child too, Stella threw in softly.

Well, Im not sure whether thats an asset to the gene pool

Stella punched me lightly in the stomach. Stop it, this is serious. Were talking about a baby, a human being and a whole new life. Look at André, hes a great kid. Youre a good father, Ive seen that. Are you willing to be a father for our child?

Of course, Stella, of course. What else could I do?

Well some men in your situation might suggest

Never, Stella, never. Actually mixed emotions rising up in me immediately quenching the one that Sabine had also offered a reconciliation baby, while I had unknowingly already fathered a definite separation baby. Actually, this is a bit history repeating. Sabine got pregnant with André while we were still studying and had been together less than a year. Even though there are few so young student parents in Germany any more  probably most cases opt for an abortion  for me that was out of the question. If I father a child, I will take care of it.

Stella smiled. See, thats what I expected. I knew I could count on you. I wasnt planning on a baby now, but if it wants to comeitll be wonderful to have it with you. What would you prefer  boy or girl?

Guiltily I looked at her. I know Im supposed to say, it doesnt matter, just as long as it is healthy and you are safe But actually - I would prefer a girl. I already have a great son I adore Astrids daughtersand Im selfish enough to say Id love a little one of my own, especially if she turns out to be as lovely as her mother.

Stella giggled. Same case here. I have three little brothers. I would prefer a girl, too. But wait and see what Mother Nature has in store for us.

Oh no!

Whats wrong? Stella looked worried.

Noits just, as I said, history repeating. My parents berated me without end for being irresponsible and not behaving like a mature male regarding my role in contraception when it happened with André. I was hardly twenty then  what are they going to say now its happened again in my mid-thirties, now that I should really know better? To imagine I of all people have been lecturing André and Inka-Sophie about responsibility and safer-sex  how hypocritical is that? I cringed slightly And thenit embarrasses me that Im still married to Sabine, it doesnt seem right and I feel its humiliating for youIm sorry for putting you through thisplease

Hold it now, Stella said sternly. Forgetting contraception is just as much my responsibility as it is yours! Dont berate yourself  this has happened all the time, its as old as mother earth. If it werent for unplanned pregnancies, humanity might never have survived. And regarding your marital statusI respect you for your position and concern for me. But its not importantI knew you were still married, but I also knew you were seriously separated. By the time the baby is born, youll be divorcedso its a non-issue for me. Well be family then, with the addition of André, whether with or without certificateand thats what matters for me.

Thank you Stella, I said meekly. Youre so sweet. How far are you gone  when is the baby due?

Do a little math - Im only six weeks gone, Stella responded, gently rubbing my chubby cheek. The baby is due end of January. So its still very early  that is why I would prefer we keep it to ourselves for the time being and wait until the first trimester is over safely, ok? Seeing me nod, she continued. In the meantime, we can look through all those practical questions of how to organize our life together somewhere on planet earth, yes?

I kissed her lightlyand then, in another flashback of memory, let out a deep groan.

Now whats wrong? Stella sat up in slight alarm.

Uhhhits silly, but in the line of history repeating I shuddered a little. If I gain as much weight during your pregnancy as I did during Sabines with AndréIll hit 300 US poundsthat's an awful lot for my height

Stella threw back her head and laughed, teasingly jiggling my belly. Well, we all know about the infamous paternal co-pregnancy weight gain...if thats the way its supposed to bewell both have very big bellies under the Christmas tree

While I still cringed inwardly trying to imagine carrying so much weight around on my rather short frame, a different, warmly arousing, naughty little fantasy suddenly surfaced in my mind: Me, pushing around a huge gut with a roundly pregnant Stella, rubbing our big bellies against each other under a German Christmas tree with real candles, while eating my favorite Christmas cookiesuntil a sharp pinch in my chest snapped me back into reality.

Which dirty little thoughts are you thinking? Stella grinned up at me. I know you secretly write porn on the side for fun!

I felt my face grow hot with shame. How do you know I write porn sometimes?

Ive watched you writeand Ive had sex with youand sometimes you have the same expression of complete abandonment on your face in both situationsTheres nothing wrong with that. I greatly prefer a man who makes up his own porn to one who watches it endlessly, passively on the internet, its much more creative.


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## agouderia (Feb 14, 2010)

*[Authors Note:]* Okay, time to end this tale.

*Part 10  Blundering through *

Organizing a new life in two countries across an ocean with various sets of family involved and a baby on the way was not going to be easy  but I had only anticipated the job hunting part as the difficult one. After all the most recent transitions had passed with only minor hiccups, Stella and I were totally unprepared for the avalanche of problems we were suddenly buried under.

We had agreed to keep quiet about Stellas pregnancy until we could be pretty sure that everything was okay  but shortly after she told me, Stella started to suffer from violent morning sickness, so bad that she dehydrated seriously and had to be hospitalized with an IV-drip just to get the fluids she needed. Naturally, we couldnt keep this from her family  and received an unexpectedly hostile reaction. So far I had felt as an accepted member of the extended family as Stellas boyfriend, even though everybody knew I was still technically married to Sabine. Suddenly, with Stellas pregnancy, this became an issue. 

Her mother, father and brothers berated me rather aggressively for not being conscientious enough about contraception. For getting Stella into such a disgraceful situation without the prospect of us getting married before the baby arrived  since I could be pretty sure, given the lengthy bureaucratic procedures in Germany, that my divorce would come through only just in time for the birth.

Stella  who seemed honestly untroubled by this aspect of our relationship  was so upset about their behavior that she kicked them out of her hospital room saying she did not want to see them again until they apologized to me and shut-up about the issue. This did have the desired effect  only for the entire Komotis clan to limit itself to throwing dark looks and speaking as little as possible to me.

While Stella was still hospitalized, André and Inka-Sophie arrived for their six weeks of summer vacation, adding to my already high stress level. Learning from previous mistakes, I had agreed with Stella that André was supposed to be the first person we tell that he was big brother-to-be. Despite this not having worked out 100%, I was sure I had to tell him more or less right on his arrival.

Surprisingly, André too seemed to feel the need for a father and son talk  the first one in person after Sabine and I had decided on divorce. So we went to try sailing on Lake Michigan right his first day in Chicago on our own. With my added weight, this was more difficult in a small boat  the sinewy guy at the boat-rental looked at me disapprovingly, searched a long time for a life vest that half-way closed around my vast middle and made André wear a lead-belt to compensate. 

We left the marina and sailed out for almost an hour before either of us spoke up  it was André, who started with a turn that almost threw me out of the boat. Paps, this is very difficult for me. Can you maybe just listen?

Of course André  what do you want to tell me?

Mami is very unhappy  she misses you so much. She often cries herself to sleep reading old stories of yours.  His words sending a wave of cold dread down into my stomach, making it drop almost to my feet. She has understood that she was all wrong to ask you to move out and get together with Jens  she totally regrets her behavior.

André, I couldnt help interrupting him, does Sabine know youre talking to me about this?

No  she doesnt. Its alone my idea, not Mamis André stressed. Youre my parents  I feel I have to see if I cant do something for us all to be family again. I miss having you together, all three of us together. Cant you at least give it another try? Maybe come back a little earlier with me and move back in with us? See if we cant altogether make everything work again?

Im sorry André, I dont think

Please, Papsyouve always done everything for Mami and me to be happy! She really, really misses youshe told me that it didnt matter at all that you are evenwell, umm, rounder now. She wanted every kilogram of you back. She threw out all the diet books in the kitchen  they reminded her too much ofyeah, that she was not nice enough to you. Please, cant we just forget about the past year and start over?

André  a lot has changed in this year

But nothing has changed permanently! Youre only here 2 more months. You have your job back homewhy not really come home to Mami and me? Sure, Stella is very nice- but she lives here in Chicago, with you back in Germany that has no future anyway. Cant you think about it, wait with the decision about the, you know, divorce until youve tried it again with us for a few months, please?

I couldnt stand looking into his pleading eyes, so I buried my face in my hands shaking my head. After a few minutes, I looked back up, straightened myself and took a deep breath. André I need to talk to you, too. Please  now its your turn just to listen, okay?

Okay, André nodded.

Where do I start  my decision to turn down Sabines offer of reconciliation and file for divorce is only between Sabine and me as a couple. It has nothing to do with you or her role as your mother, okay? Dont shake your head  believe me! Being a couple is different from being parents. To be a good couple you have to not only love, but fully trust and accept each other thats my problem. My trust in Sabines acceptance is pretty badly damaged, too badly for full repair.

But I always tell and try to show Isa that you can learn to trust againYou certainly can trust Mami again

André, something in my trust would always stay broken there is no glue that will make it as good as new, okay? Besides- bracing myself for his reaction  something has permanently changed during this year, for me and also for you. Youre the first person Im telling  and I hope you understand. Youre going to be a big brother next year. Stella and I are expecting a baby

André stared at me, open-mouthed.

I know this is a big, maybe not all pleasant surprise

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! André tone was low but cutting.

I tried to reach out to him, dangerously jeopardizing the boat, but he just shoved my arm away, and yanked the rudder around. Shut up! Dont touch me! Dont speak to me! Leave me alone!

For the next hour and a half we struggled against the wind, mutely fighting with the sails to get back to the marina. I kept silent knowing that to try to speak to him right now was hopeless he needed to calm down first.

When we got close, a sunny looking Inka-Sophie was sitting on the pier waiting for us, smiling and waving. André instantly jumped off the boat and ran past her. 

She looked shocked and called over to me. What happened?

Ill tell you later. Please go after him  I think he needs you now! I called back, trying to tie the boat up. Inka-Sophie went off, while I struggled to get out of the boat and sent her a SMS explaining what had happened and asking her to please try and somehow reach André. A few minutes later I got one back saying Oh no!  suggesting meeting up again in my apartment in several hours time.

Feeling completely hollow, the first thing I did was wash down 5 brownies with 3 large cappuccinos and then talk to Stella on the phone, because I did not feel capable of facing her, not wanting to further upset her by her noticing that something was so awfully wrong. 

On returning to my apartment, André and Inka-Sophie were already there, he glaring at me with real hatred as he saw me enter the door.

André, please we need

Im not talking to you ever again! André barked. I dont care what you have to say! You ruined our family! Youre no longer my father! How stupid are you? Not able to use a condom? Telling me to be careful about contraception! Are you even sure its yours? Youre such a disgusting blob  no wonder Mami didnt want to have sex with you anymore! Did Stella fool you? You cant get any woman pregnant with that giant belly in the way  how do you want to get your thing far enough

André  enough! Shut up! Inka-Sophie yelled at him, while I was too stricken to say anything. His words  too obviously spoken to wound  didnt really get to me, it was his blind rage that left me completely helpless.

Go away! I dont ever want to see you again! André yelled and threw 2 apples lying in a bowl on the table at me, hitting me on the shoulder. Once more Inka-Sophie surprised me. She grabbed André in a firm head-lock, using her higher weight as leverage, pulled him to the cupboard closet, shoved him in and locked the door behind him, breathing hard and ignoring his pounding against the door.

Then she shoved me out the apartment door. Uli  Im really sorry, but I havent been able to get through to him yet! Nevertheless, giving me a small smile and a light hug, congratulations! Im honestly very happy for you and Stella! Youll make wonderful parents. Youre doing the right thing  André is wrong if he thinks reconciliation would work between you and his mother.

Thank you so much Isa. Your opinion in this matter means a lot to me, sighing deeply. What would André and I do without you? What am I going to do now?

Inka-Sophie twisted her face sardonically. Well, right now I think you would indeed be slightly lost without me. I have a suggestion. This is going to take a day or two to blow over. Can you maybe leave the apartment to us for this time? So he can calm down  and I can try and get him to see reason again? Do you have stuff at Stellas so you can stay there?

Nodding I said, How can I thank you for all youre willing to do for us?

Im doing this for myself too  I want to keep the sweet boyfriend I had until today, not some childish jerk who selfishly smashes things left and right!

Sabine is right  you are a lot more grown-up than André, I said, shaking my head. What went wrong? I knew André was going to have a hard time digesting the baby information  but I never thought it would hit him this hard. He has done such a good job of maturely dealing with our break-up and divorce so far, he even tolerated that Jens guy, he has been fine with Stellaand now this.

Well, Im not sureit might mean he never fully accepted the reality of his parents breaking up. He might also be jealous that you decided in favor of another child  fearing it might replace him in your affections. Hes really used to being unique, Inka-Sophie responded.

But he is unique. No baby can replace André  it will be a totally different story, I couldnt grasp it. I decided to divorce Sabine before Stella told me about the baby, not knowing whether she would have me at all. Do you believe me?

André again started to hammer loudly against the door, so Inka-Sophie quickly said, Yes  I believe you. Knowing you, Stella and Sabine all personally, as I said, youre doing the right thing. But now go  youll make things worse if you stay! Ill keep you posted. Oh  by the way, why dont you write André a letter explaining, like a real letter on papermaybe I can get him to read it!

Inka-Sophie and André stayed incommunicado for the next three days, full of agonizing uncertainty for me. Since I couldnt otherwise explain his not visiting her, I told Stella that André was finding it difficult to adjust to the news that he was to have a sibling. Not having anybody to talk to about this awful situation was hard since I hadnt even told Astrid about Stellas pregnancy. I didnt want to call her and burden her with all aspects of my current disaster. 

To vent my feelings, I wrote the letter to André, trying to explain everything. That I wanted to apologize sincerely to him for having knowingly and unknowingly hurt him through the break-up of our family and hoped he could forgive me. That he was my boy, that nobody and nothing could replace him in my heartand the worst thing that could happen to me was losing him and our good father-son-relationship. That I had decided to end my marriage with Sabine before knowing whether Stella wanted to commit to me, and before finding out she was pregnant. That I still had a lot of love for Sabine, especially as his mother  but that trust was just as essential an element in a good relationship. That broken trust is one of the most difficult things in life to repair. That I was simply too afraid that Sabine could never fully accept me being fat as part of the package I had to offer, in the end making both of us unhappy again. That not being able to control my appetite happened to be - in every sense of the word - my big weakness. That I hoped he would not hold it against me he knew how many years of dieting I had tried, but that its not always possible to successfully overcome weaknesses in life. That he had every right to call me hypocritical because I had constantly admonished him regarding the importance of contraception  while I myself clearly had not practiced what I preached. That I fervently wished he could accept my decision to take care of his little brother or sister and Stella as I had tried with him  but that this was a new chapter in our life in which I hoped he would play a big part, no matter what. That all I asked him was to give the new situation in our family a fair chance to see if we couldnt be happy again together with everybody taking on a new role.

Towards noon on the fourth day, I was surprised to look up and see Inka-Sophie standing in front of my desk, looking exhausted. Ive sent him sailing on a guided tour all afternoon  I desperately need a break  and he needs to get some fresh air in his head!

Isa you poor thing, what can I do  I feel terrible burdening you so much. This is way too much responsibility for you!

Yes  it is, Inka-Sophie sighed. What you can instantly do is take me for a big lunch, Im starving! André is half in hunger strike-mode and I dont have the nerve to eat in his presence.

Things are so bad that even Im not much better at the moment, realizing how little I had eaten in the past days. But I know a place that has the best comfort mac and cheese in town.

We really seemed to need it bad  Inka-Sophie and I ate our way through three XXL portions of mac and cheese plus the entire dessert menu before we were able to start talking about the immediate problems over coffee. 

Ahh, Im so stuffed, Inka-Sophie said, rubbing her roundly distended belly, but I feel much better now, thank you.

Thats the absolute minimum of what I should do for you, I said, leaning back to ease the pressure on my own bulging gut. Nowwhat else is there I can do to get things going again?

Inka-Sophie shook her head. Its really bad. I never imagined André could be so obstinate, so unfairand so childish. For some reason  I dont know why, he normally is much more reflective  he only sees you and Sabine in the role of his parents, not as 2 individuals. He feels he always has to side with the party in distress. First you after Sabine kicked you out and took in Jens and you had the accident. Now its Sabine who is unhappy because for once you are not giving into her wish and taking her back.

How do you know I rarely ever said no to Sabine? disturbed as ever by her ability to nail the issue. 

Good observation skills, Inka-Sophie answered wryly. Ive told André I side with you  so he is torn between being mad at me and being afraid of losing me. Still  he cant seem to get the reason for my position in his head. He doesnt want to see that youre more than his parents, that each of you has a right to your own lives. I mean, were both finishing school in 2 years  and probably will be out of the house then. Thats a really short time for you to actively play your role as parents on a daily basis. And then?

Ive never thought about that, but youre right. The André-empty nest is no longer that far off.

Well, you already have your next little birdie on the way to fill the nest, Inka-Sophie grinned shamelessly until I reddened. 

I know its tough for André, having a father who is a total loser at keeping all physical things under control, giving him a sibling at a pretty ripe age

Pahhe should be able to deal with that, you were really young when you had him, there is nothing wrong with having another child now, Inka-Sophie belittled my concerns. Actually, I wouldve been very happy if my mother had found a male version of Stella and had had another baby  she would be much better off. Question for you  do you have that letter for André ready?

Yes- Ive re-written it nine times, its the best I can do. Do you want to read it?

No, thats between you and André. I trust youre able to do your job and write up something meaningful. So Ill see that I somehow get him to read and think about it, Inka-Sophie sighed. You hit my sore-point when you said this is too much responsibility for me. Its more than I want to handle. And as much as I am in love with André and have come to like you as a, may I sayfriend?

Id be delighted and honored if you considered me to be your friend, Isa.

Thanks, thats nice, she continued. But this rift between the two of you is not really my business. If André doesnt get a grip on himself and starts to behave like his normal self again, I cant see us staying together either. Thats what I told him this morning: If he doesnt shape up and at least try to talk things over with you, Im flying back home on Saturday  and he should come with me.

Oh catching me by surprise, youre right, that would be the most sensible thing to do. Id be very sorry if the two of you left, but there is not much I can do about it if he wont even talk to me. Here is the letter, by the way.

Looking at her watch, Inka-Sophie said, I should be going, André doesnt know were meeting. Keep your fingers crossed that he sees reason!

I will, Isa thank you I feel so helpless!


The next two days I spent mainly taking good care of Stella who over time extracted the extent of my problems with André, but was much less upset than I had feared. 

Uli, getting a sibling at that age is considered beyond embarrassing at school  you cant expect a 100% grown up reaction. Sabine is his mother, of course he loves her, wants to help her and see her happy  thats only natural. Its actually very sweet of him to try and reconcile his parents, he always reminds me so much of you. So far hes done such a good job in dealing with your break up, hell get used to these changes, accept your decision, give him some time!

In me, the cold dread of losing André was mounting, but I couldnt think of anything to do, since he wouldnt talk to me. I left the office to go shopping on the way home on Friday, hoping for a Saturday miracle. As I got home, I almost missed the porch step out of surprise, because I saw André sitting on it next to Stella stretched out on her easy chair. 

André blushed crimson as he saw me, but stood up and said, not looking me in the eye. Im so sorry, I acted like a total idiot, Im starting to get used to the ideaI promise Ill be a really good big brother for my little sister.

Its okay André, was all I could say in my huge relief, wrapping him in a bear hug. After a minute it struck me. Why do you say little sister?

Stella glowed. Kelley came over with the results of all those tests we had taken to make sure nothing is really wrong. Were having the little girl we both hoped for. André is the first I told.

Totally elated, I kissed her; I kissed Andréand collapsed on a chair. 

André grimaced and muttered under his breath, How many more months of this? To continue more politely. Do you already have a name for her?

Stella and I looked at each other for 90 seconds and then tentatively asked in one voice, Ariadne?

Why Ariadne? André was puzzled.

Because of Naxos, in every respect, I said, not able to resist kissing Stella again. Because it works perfectly in all three languages, its a total classic  its been around for 4000 years, it starts with an A and matches André well.

Because she is the blue-print for female life until today. Shes incredibly smart, has a good career, still falls for the wrong man, throws away her own lifebut then is one of the lucky few to find a god where she least expected him, Stella teased and gave me another kiss.

Not wanting to put André off even more by all too shameless displays of delight with Stella, I started collecting the groceries and asked, Where is Isa?

Shes coming soon for dinner, if thats okay. She said I should come here alone first and talk to both of you, André hung his head.

Were so happy to have you here with us again, Stella said warmly, sensing I was still half tongue-tied. Uli  are you going to make dinner?

Yes  Im off to the kitchen. André, you can either help me or keep Stella company out here, as you like, turning to go in and André not following me.

After a while I heard a cry of delight from Stella and looked outside to see her being hugged and congratulated by Inka-Sophie, her plump curves stylishly high-lighted by a short summer dress, looking much more relaxed. I continued preparing dinner  mild asparagus-risotto Stella could stomach, chicken breasts stuffed with herbs, mozzarella and marinated vegetables as a starter and ice-cream with fresh strawberries  accompanied by pretty heavy power snacking, compensating for the still tense situation with André in person causing a bad case of nerves. 

A few minutes later, Inka-Sophie entered the kitchen smiling. Let me help you get everything ready so we can eat, Im hungry! laughing as she saw me stuff another cheese cracker in my mouth. Are you okay?

Im fine, after managing to swallow the cracker, I cant say how much I owe you, Isa, for getting André to come here and speak to Stella and me. A million thanks are not enough, bowing low to her.

Im glad it worked, Inka-Sophie blushed. The two of you are still pretty tense but that will hopefully fade over time. Youre afraid he might freak again any minute  while André is totally embarrassed about his behavior, all the horrible things he said to you, and is clueless of how to sincerely apologize.

Swallowing a small tomato, I shook my head. Im not mad at him about that, I know he just tried to hurt less himself by hurting me. Its more that Im sad and afraid our relationship might never be as it was before.

Inka-Sophie skeptically tilted her head and shrugged her shoulders. Time and patience. Now lets get dinner on the table before you eat it all up!

Thanks to Stella and Inka-Sophie, dinner was more relaxed and friendly than I had feared. Inka-Sophie, sharing the good news that she had an interview with 2 plus-size modeling agencies in New York at the end of her stay  and Stella officially asking all of us to move in to help her through the next weeks.

Despite the outward appearances, the situation still had a lot of underlying tension and I tried to suffocate this uncomfortable feeling with as much food as I could hold. Seconds of everything, eating all the leftovers while clearing the kitchen and having a third bowel of ice-cream for dessert until my belly was a tightly packed heavy globular sphere jutting out in front of me, forcing me to undo the button of my pants and slightly lean backwards to balance the weight. 

At the end of the evening, I fell into bed very carefully so not to upset my overloaded stomach, breathing heavily. Stella settled next to me and wordlessly started to massage my mountain of a belly until I belched. So sorry  my eating is totally out of control tonight.

Uli  you somehow need it youre clearly compensating something. It was a tense situation. Itll take some time for you and André to get back to normal. It wouldve been better if youd really talked and he had apologized as earnestly to you as he did to me  for which there is no real reason  but thats for the two of you to decide.

He said a few things that are very difficult to apologize for  even though thats not the point for me. I just hope he understands me and accepts my decision.

What did he say? Stella asked but I shook my head, again feeling like I again needed something sweet to sustain me. Do we still have any of those Greek chocolate covered candied tangerines?

Stella shook her head and grinned mischievously. Youre having a calorie-free sweet now, that will make you relax much better, starting to kiss her way down from my chest over my belly.

Stella, please nothink of Ariadne! Were not allowed to have sex right now while youre still in such a weak condition.

Whos talking about full intercourse here? Stella teasingly bit my erection. As a physiotherapist Im a pro in making you unwind in all kinds of ways


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## agouderia (Feb 14, 2010)

Outwardly we returned to normal. André and Inka-Sophie went to their sailing summer camp during the week, I went to work and Stella thankfully recuperated and was able to work again part time. The tension subsided only very slowly  André was friendly, extremely polite and conspicuously avoided being alone with me. His relations with Inka-Sophie also seemed inhibited  he was aware that he had not cut the best figure in her eyes and feared losing her. Instead he clung to Stella like a shadow, helping her almost every move  while she easily handled it, treating him like another one of her little brothers. 

First I was reluctant to talk about Stellas pregnancy at all anymore, but what ironically helped ease things up a lot was that we stopped using the words pregnancy or baby but spoke of Ariadne. It was like making plans for a real person we were waiting for- no longer an invisible object or a medical condition. Even André related well to this and slowly relaxed again, adding his share of plans, like no pink room for Ariadne please. 

In the meantime, I filled in Astrid, who half laughed and half cried with emotions. A little A-girl of your own, with Stella  how wonderful! But shit, I dont envy you having to tell our parents that you flunked contraception again!

Dont remind me- Im calling you first because I dont have the guts to tell them yet, I said glumly, relating Stellas problems and the André crisis to her.

Oh dear, Astrid sighed, I feel so sorry for you, thats rough. Im a bit surprised - André seemed so mature lately. But he is only sixteen- that probably is more than he can easily handle emotionally. And face it, hes your son  you did something similar for our parents after I moved out and they were on the brink of separating, only with them it worked. Always try and leave no one behind alone and unhappy.

Ive never thought about it that way, I dont remember that crisis as that bad. I was young then, right?

Yes, you spent your summer vacation moving back and forth between them to get them back together. You passed on some sort of family harmony gene to André. Astrid answered. So you actually deciding to divorce Sabine against her wish is a huge step. Its saying a lot if she managed to wear out your good-nature. But youre doing the right thing, especially now with a new baby on the way  Im sure youll be happy with Stella and work out the practicalities of your transatlantic relations. One thing Uli though, to be fair  you have to tell Sabine yourself about the baby, the sooner the better. Since thats bad enough, I offer to spare you the task of telling Mom and Dad by doing it for you.

Groaning, I answered, Oh shit  youre right Astrid, I have to do that. I doubt André told her. A million thanks if you are willing to prepare our parents for grandchild No. 4.

It took me three days, but I wrote Sabine a classic letter explaining the situation, the timing and asking for her understanding  an overwhelming feeling of guilt pouring into every letter I typed and then re-wrote by hand.

Since the immediate crisis was over, I concentrated again on my job search. Options in the US with a German media outlet were slim, the only one I was offered from a subsidiary of my publishing house was a half-position reporting on business & finance from the West Coast in LA, with the option of doing Hollywood and entertainment industry from the cultural side on top free-lance. It didnt sound all bad, but the pay was lousy, it was a good 2,000 miles away from Stella  and I cannot read a balance sheet to save my life. 

The call regarding my application for the position of our online-editor-in-chief came from Birger: Uli, I really hate to talk to you about this  but Silke just told me that you also applied for the online-ec position, right?

Yeah-I want to move on professionally after this year. But why also?

Ive applied too. The two of us are the main contenders for this position.

Oh shit, was all I could say  that was one of the last things I needed now, fighting for a job with one of my best friends. We talked it over for a while what this would mean for us, and that it shouldnt matter, but I felt very uneasy. No matter which outcome, I feared it would ruin our friendship  and make working with our others colleagues very difficult. Plus, Birger had in his favor that he had done exclusively online in the past few years. 

When I talked this problem over with Stella in the peace and solitude of our bedroom, that I had already half decided to withdraw my application, she kissed me tenderly and sighed. Uli, the best and the worst in you is that youre such a good-natured, well-meaning guy. In my opinion it would be better if you stuck out this confrontation  its a professional, not a personal thing. But thats not youif you got the job, you would probably constantly feel guilty for having betrayed your friendship. On the other hand, if you werent the way you are, I would most likely not have you in my bed this minute and be carrying your babybecause thats why I love you. You always make at least serious effort to do your best for those close to you.

Enraptured, I gazed at her at length before I kissed her longingly. Hey, you used the taboo l-word for the first time!

Stella blushed. Well, maybe its the first time I said it out loud


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## agouderia (Feb 14, 2010)

*Part 11  Leaping off *

As in most modern relationships, the job question had to decide the matter. It was Silke, my colleague turned guardian angel, who once again came up with the perfect option we had never even remotely considered. After her truly life changing suggestion of me going to Chicago on the exchange program, we had stayed in pretty close e-mail and phone contact over the year, and I had come to rely on her sympathetic attitude and professional expertise.

So she had been one person I had informed about the changes in my personal life  and when she called back to congratulate me, she also bitched about her own personal relationship crisis which entailed having to spend a particularly rainy summer vacation with uncomfortable in-laws in an isolated hut in Bavaria with no running water, making me laugh and suggest, Silke  I owe you so much. What I can offer in contrast is a sunny sea-side US East Coast exploration tour. I still have to finish that series on US summer vacation traditions  so Ill travel up from New York to Canada and back with André and Inka-Sophie by car, a mix of work and vacation. Would you like to join us? I could pick you up in New York  and were definitely only staying at places with hot running water!

Silke laughed. Is that a serious invitation? Ill think about it! only to call two days later and say, You can pick me up at JFK coming Thursday! Thank you so much for the great offer  my partner completely freaked that Im spending my summer vacation with a guy and his off-spring instead of with her in-laws, but it seems to have set her thinking that maybe she should be a bit more imaginative regarding traveling. Now theres suddenly talk of Jordan and Syria in the fall. Anyway, Im really looking forward to seeing you next week!

So was I  it was an uplifting prospect to be able to talk to Silke, get her helpful professional insights on all the problems I was trying to solve. Even more, I was grateful not to be traveling alone with André and Inka-Sophie  Stella not being able to come along. It would be good to have an adult as company, since my relations with André still were not back to normal. We hadnt spoken in private at all since he had come back and I didnt want to put the strain of constantly moderating between us for two weeks on Isa. 

In New York, we picked up the rental car and Silke to head North through Connecticut and Massachusetts doing pretty heavy site-seeing before slowing done a little as we got to Maine. We spent our first sunny day there on the beach, André started to teach Inka-Sophie how to windsurf while Silke and I went for a long swim in the ocean. As we came out, Silke panting to keep up with me, I noticed her take a long hard look at my body- my belly fat wobbling heavily over the waistband of my shorts, my floppy man boobs and well-fleshed extremities. So far she hadnt commented on my substantial weight gain except an affectionate belly rub as I had picked her up at JFK. 

Now I reddened under her intense scrutiny, giving my belly a slap. Obviously fatter than ever! You have to decide for yourself which beach analogy you prefer  whale or walrus!

Blushing, Silke settled down into her beach chair. Im sorry I stared, I didnt mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Im admiring how well you carry the higher weight, it really suits you and you are in good shape. Youre actually much more convincing and authentic as a well rounded personality.

An unusual compliment- thanks anyway, I half-smirked. It took me a while to get used to seeing myself this way, to acknowledge that I seem to be meant for a fat life, but I feel pretty much at ease now  Stella is very lovingly accepting of my weight, thats such a relief.

Your new and better attitude comes across nicely, Silke nodded. The added weight corresponds to your own personal center of gravity, youre much more relaxedeven though your current situation from an objective point of view is more difficult than it was a year ago.

Are you serious? I was so much more miserable then

Lets see  a year ago you were professionally established, separated from your wife, it was not yet clear whether it would end in divorce and you were under constant pressure to diet thats all. Alone the idea of you weighing, how much, 40, 50 poundsmore in a years time would probably have seemed like the ultimate disaster, correct?

Pretty exact assessment, in every respect, youre probably the best psychologist I know, I couldnt help slightly grinning and lifting my heavy belly to visualize the added weight. 

Looking at you today, you not only have those added pounds, but a few real challenges to tackle. Your now definite divorce, making a new relationship work, a second baby on the way, a classic father-son divorce dilemma to handle, your ambition to find a new job and somehow settle down between 2 continents, cultures and languagesthats an awful lot. Yet you seem at peace with yourself and at the same time have much more energy than I can ever remember.

How do you know André and I are at odds? I never mentioned that!

Weve been traveling together for 5 days- I couldnt help noticing that your relations are slightly stilted. Also, Isa and I talked when we went shopping yesterday, she wanted my professional opinion, I hope you dont mind? 

No, its okay- youre our resident traveling psychologist right now, might as well make use of your expertise

I dont want to get involved, I dont think I need to, youve handled this pretty well, Silke shook her head. Im tremendously impressed by Inka-Sophie though. André found himself a rare gem. Shes a complete natural in the field of psychology  Ive actually offered her a part-time internship in our office to interest her further in the field. 

Brilliant idea! I dont even want to think about how the last year would have been for André and me without Isas support. Its great that youre willing to foster her talents.

Its a real treat to have the chance to mentor such a gifted young woman, Silke smiled. Regarding André, youre doing the right thing. Not pressuring him, letting him come to you, just showing simple tolerance and understanding. Even for grown children like André, a divorce with one parent directly moving onto a new family is difficult to digest, it needs time. Im positive hell understand over time, why youre not able to reconcile with Sabine.

So you think Im doing the right thing? Am I right in not trusting Sabine to change her attitude to my weight?

I cant answer the second question  nobody has a 100% answer to that one, not even Sabine herself. Nevertheless, I think divorce is the better and safer option for you. As I said, seeing you now and remembering you over the past years  in hindsight, Sabines dieting pressure totally stressed you out, because it forced you to constantly fight your weaknesses instead of building on your strengths. But its the strengths that make a good and stable foundation for a relationship.

Ive been thinking down those lines lately too, Silke, I pondered. It took a while to realize how much the endless yo-yo dieting wore me out, physically and emotionally. I had gotten used to seeing myself through Sabines eyes as a fat, weak-willed glutton -almost forgetting there might be another side to the story- that Im a decent guy who just has a medium-sized weight problem, which shouldnt be life defining. Stella is wonderful, she even makes me forget this might be a problem, lets me feel comfortable with my body. Im only a bit uneasy that I might be wronging Sabine.

Uli  I dont think that question is significant  for two reasons, Silke cut me short. First of all, empirical evidence currently is against Sabine, you not trusting her anymore with respect to your weight is a normal, healthy doubt. It takes more time to forgive and forget. Second, Stella is expecting your baby  so those are two people who by all objective standards need you more now than a self-sufficient ex-wife and an 85% grown-up son.

I made the decision to divorce Sabine before I knew about the baby

Hypothetically speaking, Silke interrupted me, what wouldve happened if you had decided to go back to Sabine and then found out about Stellas baby? 

Umm, I wouldve probably changed my mind and taken care of Stella and Ariadne .youre right, they need me a lot more than Sabine and André do now.

Good logic thinkingthat answers the question whether youre doing the right thing, Silke smiled. From what I have heard about Stella from you, from Inka-Sophie and seeing Birgers jealousy

What? Why is Birger jealous?

Silke laughed. I shouldnt be telling you this because youre friends, but I cant resist  Birger is green with envy that you currently have the choice between two attractive women who are keen on sharing their lives with you. Hes always had a sweet spot for Sabine, and was a true friend to you in so far as he never made a pass at her, against his usual habits. And he seems to have been immediately totally smitten by Stella, complained a lot that he couldnt understand why she is so totally fixated on you

I dont fully understand what Stella sees in me either, poking my belly, a shadow of my old doubts surfacing.

Silke threw some ice-cubes at me, causing me to yelp. Cut it out, no pity party here - you know very well youre a nice, intelligent guy! Also- many women have a weakness for teddy bears! And  especially in contrast to Birger, who, lets face it, is a pathological womanizer  you take commitment pretty seriously, thats something almost all women value highly, smiling indulgently as she saw me blush with pleasure and a little pride because even though I had never envied Birger his skills in attracting women, it was unduly gratifying to hear he might be jealous of me in that department. 

But speaking of Birger in a different, in my opinion much more important context right now  what about your job search? I can understand you dont want to simply come back to your old job for a number of reasons. Why did you withdraw your application for the online-editor-in-chief position? Only for the sake of your friendship with Birger?

I sighed. Stella already told me I was being too nice, I shouldve stuck it out and that one of us getting the job must not mean the end of our friendship.

I agree with Stella, being too nice is not always a good idea, Silke gave me a stern look. Ironically, withdrawing your application most likely also killed Birgers chances. He was a strong online candidate against your broader experience, but he now looks too mono-dimensional  with 90% certainty were getting an applicant from outside. Which other options have you looked into?

Silkes words left me crestfallen and I rattled off my various attempts to finding a new job unenthusiastically, while she nodded vaguely. 

Why dont we go for a walk down to that burger place on the beach the people at our hotel recommended, you look like you could use something to eat, was Silkes next remark.

Since I always look and feel like I could eat something, no probably is not a very convincing answer, I responded slightly sarcastically as we set out. 

Silke was silent all the way to the small burger joint, collected a few sea shells, kicked some waves but seemed to be miles away. When we got there, we both opted for the local specialty of mixed salad with fried crab and a cheeseburger, and half-way through the salad, Silke asked, Have you ever considered any options other than the US or Germany? What would Stellas take be on maybe another European country? 

This was a question I hadnt expected. No idea, thats something weve never talked about. Stella has a Greek passport, as an EU citizen she could in theory live anywhere with me. Id have to ask her. What are you thinking about?

Well, so far only some vague ideas what might be professionally and financially interesting for you  currently most good options are in our various European subsidiaries. Silke explained. There is a vacancy for the new online-edition of the Russian TV news channel, but thats slightly off for you, as well as the CEO for the Spanish people magazines. But  the most recent, still unofficial option might fit. Do you remember the network of South-East European, Balkan publishers we bought last year? Now theyre looking into expanding our regular European publications into those markets with national editions for Greece, Bulgaria, Albania, Romania and Serbia. The Greek editions are already up and running, with Aris Ioannidis  remember the Greek-German guy from the business section?  As editor-in-chief. I heard our bosses dont want him to do the entire Balkan network, or leave it to the CFO they have for the business operation. So right now a new position is being created for a joint operations content editor-in-chief, working languages English and German, based in either Bucarest or Athens. Would that interest you?

Hell, yes! That sounds incredibly interesting! excitement flooding me. Is Athens realistically possible as the location for the job? Because  Athens is the one place on earth I could immediately take Stella without even asking! warm happy memories of Naxos surfaced, imagining spending the next summer there together with our baby girl

Auugh that look on your face makes me feel like a fairy godmother, Silke smiled warmly. If they decide on Athens, you would instantly apply?  Seeing me nod vigorously  Ill see what I can do, its good to see you so happy  I hope I can help make it last!

I cant say how grateful I would be if you did that for me! So far, all you have done has truly changed my life for the better, Silke, youre so much more than a colleague or a friend to me, I tried to express my gratitude. But lets take this slowly, think it through, as soon as the job description is official, it would be great if you could send it. Of course, I have to ask Stella  and also André, if he would be okay with me staying abroad instead of coming home to Germany. 

Just then André with Inka-Sophie joined us, complaining. Weve been looking all over for you, were starving! so we took care of that first, before heading back to our hotel, my mind buzzing with plans.


The following days we explored Maine all the way up to Québec, to then travel back down south to New York through Vermont and New Hampshire, where Silke headed back and we were able to use our correspondents apartment while he was on summer vacation in Europe. I showed André and Inka-Sophie what I already knew about the city and accompanied them to the several plus-size modeling agency interviews that had been arranged for her  which indeed turned into a few trial photo shoots and invitations to some castings. 

Admittedly, my mind and heart were not in the matter  my mind was busy with the new job perspectives Silke had come up with and my heart was in Chicago with Stella, who I called up to 8 times a day to make sure she was okay. 

Sitting out on the tiny porch one hot, humid summer evening in New York, which left only appetite for cold beer and equally chilled tomato salad, doing outlines of a potential application for the Balkan job as I had started calling it, I was surprised to see André walk up to the house alone. I had dropped him and Isa off at her modeling agent around noon and was expecting them back in about two hours. 

He came up the stairs and slumped down on the step at my feet. Is it okay if I stay out here? Can we talk?

Looking closer at him, I had a hunch he had been crying. Sure, any time, son. Do you want something to drink, you look thirsty?

Can I have a beer?

If you want to drink, I prefer its under my supervision, I winked, handing him one. Whats up? Wheres Isa?

Shes still at her photo shoot.

I thought you were going to accompany her.

I wanted to, but she sent me away. André mumbled before it burst out of him. She said Im too childish, its unprofessional to take me along, and shes ashamed of my behavior. She didnt want anybody to treat her like his personal property, who couldnt tell the difference between professional and private situations.

Sensing that was not all, I didnt say anything and waited before he indeed went on.

I think I understood today why you feel you cant try living with Mami again. It feels totally awful if someone you l- well, you really care for is ashamed of you, doesnt want to be seen with you in public. I know Mami sometimes didnt take you along when you werent dieting Id be afraid that could happen again if I were you, too. Dieting for you must be like math for meits something I put a lot of work into but still get only poor grades

I had to chuckle at this comparison. Good analogy  and now imagine having to do those math exercises you are not good at every single day of your life!

André nodded glumly. And even worse to have maybe you or Mami or Isa be ashamed of me because Im bad at math, even though I try so hard. I can see why you think it will be different with Stella, that you trust her more to really accept that youreCan you forgive me for being 

But I interrupted him there, not wanting him to humble himself too much. My heartfelt thanks, André. I cant say how much it means to me that you are trying to understand my decision. I know its not easy for youit hasnt been easy for me either because I know it hurts you - thats the last thing I want. I want you so much to be a part of my life with Stella and Ariadne, I hope that will work for you. And I want to stay real friends with Sabine, she still means a lot to me, especially as your mother. Can we try and work it out together?

Sure, Paps, André nodded with a crooked grin. You have good taste, Stella is very nice, I honestly like her. She never tries to play stepmother to me  Jens was awful, always trying to act like a father-figure  Stellas more like a big sister to Isa and me, Isa likes that, too.

Its so good to hear you call me Paps again, Ive missed that so much, I sighed with relief, but couldnt help teasing. I can return that complimentif I take Isa as a measure youre developing an excellent taste in women yourself! Clanking beer cans, I continued. André, there are new developments regarding my future I would like to talk to you about. I havent talked to anybody except Silke  who suggested it  so far, not even Stella. I would care for your opinion.

Seeing him nod, I told him why I didnt want to return to my old job, and that Silke had suggested the South-East European option, why Athens would be great for Stella and finishing with the actual question. Would it be okay for you if I didnt come back home to Germany now but continued living and working abroad? But then in Europe, closer to you, only 2 hours flight time? With the additional plus of me probably having to spend about 3 months per year up home at headquarters  so including your vacation, we could see each other on a daily basis for at least half the year? 

WowGreece! Around Naxos there is some of the best windsurfing in Europe! André exclaimed. Itll be fabulous to visit you there! That would be the best start for you, Stella and Ariadne, leaving me too touched to respond. Also  I know youve talked to Isa about this  I only have 2 more years of school left, and I dont know where Ill end up going to university then. Silke has Isa seriously interested in studying psychology  but she is also thinking of maybe going back to Ireland or BritainI hope we can stay together, see what works. Im hungry  Ill fix myself a sandwich, can I get you anything? 

No thanks, Im fine but joined and helped him in the kitchen.

I still dont know how to say it, André suddenly said so quietly, I could barely hear him. I want to fully, honestly apologize to you so badly, make you understand how sorry I am, but I feel I cant say anything that will make those awful things go away I said to you on that first day in Chicagoyou know

André, dont worry, they were forgiven the moment you said them- by now Ive forgotten them. I know they came out because you were so terribly hurt, disappointed, shocked, and didnt know what to feel or think - you dont have to apologize. Im incredibly relieved we can really talk again. Thats enough. 

But I said things you should never say to another man André started. 

I interrupted to stop his agonizing. André, youre right  those were things you should never say. But if you had to say them, better to me than to anyone else

Im so sorry I hurt you

André  what hurt me was the fear that I might lose you, I tried to explain. Not what you said. As you probably know, Ive always been very sensitive and easily hurt by comments regarding my fat body because Ive been so ashamed of it  I think Im getting a bit more relaxed lately. In contrast Im pretty laid back as far as snide remarks about my sex life go it might sound strange, but Im confident enough in that respect. Having fathered two children without consciously trying  thats also something that doesnt get to me. Often small stabs over time hurt much more than big hammers if you understand what I mean.

André nodded. I think I do. Have you been mad at me, because you started to getI mean gain weight when Mami was pregnant with me?

Who ever gave you that idea?

Well, you wrote in your diet book, that your belly grew together with Mamis and didnt go away again so I thought

I couldnt let him finish that thought and sentence. André, the unplanned things in my life are the most wonderful ones that have happened to melike you. With my appetite and build, I pack on the pounds anytime I stop exercising excessively and strictly controlling what I eat- it has nothing to do with you. It would have happened sooner or later anyway  it seems to be my destiny to live a heavy life, and by now, Ive accepted that. Why on earth are you reading my diet book  probably the most unconvincing piece I ever wrote?

Isa brought it over to read on the plane  she wanted to understand you better. She really likes you, I think she wishes you were her father, André explained looking slightly annoyed.

Well  I could adopt her, but I dont think you would want her as a sister, I couldnt help teasing, but relented as I saw Andrés hurt expression. I like her very much too, and cant appreciate enough how much she has helped both of us. Isa is wonderful, the best first love you could have. Shes very special, so she deserves you putting a serious effort into making her happy. But only do things you yourself are happy with  otherwise it will backfire, youll be unhappy, no relationship is worth that in the long run.

Ill try  I want us to stay together, I cant imagine life without being able to hold her tight. Im glad youre happy with Stella  and Ariadne will be fun to get to know, André endedand I knew our crisis was definitely over. 


When I got back to Chicago on the late flight, having made sure André and Inka-Sophie were safely on their way back to Europe, to a quiet, dark house, I showered in the guest shower in order not to wake Stella and then debated with myself, whether I should sleep in our bed  with my weight descending on the mattress automatically waking her  or stay in the guest room. But I wanted to snuggle close to her, touch her, bury my face in her curls so badly I couldnt find the resolve to be considerate. I let myself down as carefully as I could on the bed and spooned against her back, tentatively clasping herjust to hear her giggle. Its good youre here  I was worried you would try to be considerate and sleep in the guestroomand make me call you over

Im sorry I woke you up coming back, turning on my back, pulling her on top of me and kissing her hungrily, nuzzling her fuller breasts and then her belly, where I could now feel a small bump  unfittingly getting a bad hard on. How are you feeling? How is Ariadne?

Were both fine and were so happy to have you back Stella kissed me and then fingered her way over my belly down to my groin and stopped short. Uli  have you been dieting? 

Ummmno, not really, why do you ask?

You might feel more belly on mebut I feel less belly on you! Have you been doing anything unhealthy again? Diet pills or any nonsense like that? Stella looked at me in worry.

No I havent. It was incredibly hot and humid in New York - that killed even my appetite. If you ask, Ive been trying to stick to Kelleys three balanced meals a day  right now I need to be as healthy as possible to take care of you, of Ariadne and make sure I can tackle the job transition well.

Promise me you wont do anything unhealthy! 

I promise- Im really feeling fine, I have no reason, you give me no reason, to start crash dieting again. Should I ever seriously feel the need to go on a diet again  someday maybe, but not soon, 10 years of over-dieting seem to have exhausted me  I would tell you, ask for your professional support. Still, even I sometimes dont feel like eating. Thats normal, isnt it?

Yes, it is, Stella kissed me. But I can feel you are as hungry for me as I am for youlets feed that appetite right away

So that night I did not get to discuss the new job perspective with Stella  and before doing so the next morning, I got on the scale to discover Stella had been right, I had somehow lost 7 lbs., down to 268 lbs. Stella, how on earth can you feel me losing only 7 lbs. out of so many? Thats insane! 

As I said- I care for youand I know a lot about bodies, not only your body Im professionally used to paying attention to minor changes. Now come have breakfast  you wanted to talk to me about something important. Any news from the job front? Stella set a mushroom omelet on the table.

Most unusual news from the job front! Its only an idea, Silke will get back to me whether its anyway realistic  but I wanted to ask your opinion before she starts talking to the relevant people, digging into the omelet. So far weve been looking at the options of me staying here or you coming back to Germany with me. What would you say if we went to a third country together instead?

Where to?

Like for instance, to Athens Greece

On an endless vacation, yeahthats an awful joke right now, Uli! annoyed Stella slapped me with her napkin.

It might not be a joke. Our publishing house bought a network of Southeast European, Balkan publishing houses to expand a number of our publications with different country editions to Greece/Cyprus, Bulgaria, Romania, Serbia and Albania  its to be headquartered in Athens. It looks like they want someone to do the journalistic oversight, adapt the content to the various national markets. Ive never done anything like that, but since Ive worked at a number of our desks over the years, I feel I would be up to the job. Also, I would like to continue working internationally. The working languages are German and English  even though I would try and learn some Greek

I cant believe it, Stella looked at me open-mouthed, youre serious- just the idea is beyond awesome. I dont know what to do: cry, laugh, squeal, jump?

Jump on my lap and hold me tightand Ill take it for a yes , that I should ask Silke to seriously pursue the issue.

Yes, yes, yesoh, Uli that would be the most fabulous thing anybody has ever done for me. Please make it work, please! Stella hopped on my lap, kissed me all over and then started to dance around the kitchen.

Hold itso far its only an idea, but Ill definitely work on it, since you are so enthusiastic, I smiled at her delight and spent the rest of the day writing proposals for the Balkan job while Stella went overboard and started virtual apartment hunting in Athens. 

Silke was successful in her endeavor of introducing my name into the candidate pool for the position in Athens - but this meant I had to cut my stay in Chicago short, returning 3 weeks earlier in August than planned to go through a longer screening process. 

Stella kissed me good-bye at the airport, looking determined. Ill light a candle every day in our orthodox church as good luck for you getting that job in Athens. It doesnt matter if we have to say good-bye a little early at OHare - as long as we meet again at Eleftherios Venizelos International!

Ill do my absolute best  I promise!


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## agouderia (Feb 14, 2010)

*Part 12  Landing*

Getting back home with the goal of leaving again made everything a lot easier. My parents  Astrid had done an excellent job in preparing them  were happy to see me back, expressed their delight in the prospect of another granddaughter and wanted to meet Stella as soon as possible. My colleagues were very interested in hearing about my professional experiences in the US, my male friends about sports in the US and Stella, my female friends offered sympathy for the divorce and enthusiasm at the prospect of second fatherhood - and nobody seriously commented on my obvious weight gain.

When I mentioned this to Birger, he grinned. See, thats what Ive been trying to tell you for years. Nobody except Sabine ever had a serious issue with how much you weigh! To be honest, over time, they have mostly known you as one of the heavy guys  and liked or respected you just the same for all sorts of reasons. Your exact weight is completely irrelevant in that equation. Now you have many much more interesting stories to offer than an extra 20 pounds. 

Its actually more like 20 kilograms

Whateverthats just a unit of measurement! Now tell me about that crazy Balkan thing youre looking intoare you serious about editing European content for Albania?


Instead of doing a classic assessment center or plain job interviews, the decision was made to try and assemble a team by letting a selection of candidates from various countries actually work on the project for a few weeks, in the end positioning them according to their performance.

After the initial introductory session of this South-East Europe project team, Silke took me to lunch and lecture, as it was to turn out. Uli, I would like to give you 2 pieces of advice for this venting process to help you get that Balkan job you want. The editing and creative content development part is going to be a breeze for you, thats what you are really good at  so put that on the back burner.

But, thats my strength for this job, so I thought

Exactly, since it is your strength, you dont need to put too much work into it- you can out do the other candidates left handed, Silke stressed her point. You need to work on your management skills, on not being too nice, on not doing everything yourself, on delegating tasks, on sharing responsibility with the teamafter all, its a management position youre applying for!

Sensing this was serious, very well-intentioned advice, even though it didnt fit my usual approach, I nodded. Ill try my best  I have been reading through your business psychology column lately to be better prepared and have an idea what to look out for. In case I have any questions, may I ask you?

You know you can come to me any time, Silke smiled. Advice No. 2- use your size as an asset, not as something you try to compensate.

Excuse me?

How to put this? Silke knitted her eyebrows. I had to notice over the years that Sabine had you pretty well conditioned to make yourself physically as small as possible, hunching your shoulders to hide your belly,  seeing me turn beet red with the uncomfortable memory, she patted my arm  I know you are much more confident and relaxed now. But you should go a step further: actively use your size as means of creating presence and respect. Dont look so skeptical, no matter how much the diet industry has changed our perceptions, girth and size are instinctively associated with status and power use that to your advantage.

Ill think about that, I scoffed, but I cant really see how it could work.

Why dont you talk to your Stella about this? As a physiotherapist she will probably know a lot more about the body language aspects and how to work them than I do. Silke suggested, indeed getting me to discuss this bizarre idea with Stella during our evening phone call.

Stella was enthusiastic. Why havent I thought of that? I definitely have to get to know Silke, she is essence is the reason we got together- and now this Athens job, we owe her so much. Shes right- you should use your size more to issue authority and command. I have a number, some even as short video-clips, of exercises from the physical awareness classes for the anorexia patients

Stella, dont be totally absurd! Im four times the size of your average anorexia patient  why should I

Uli, listen to me, Stella sounded authoritative. Its not the actual size thats important, its breaking the pattern of making yourself smaller than you are, about re-claiming physical presence thats exactly what these exercises are for. Silkes observations probably are more precise than mine because she has known you longer, in more stressful times than I have. Now Im mailing this right away and Ill show you how to do the exercises via webcam.

Stella, I really dont know if that makes any sense

Uli, you know I never want to pressure you or change anything about you, Stella tried to reassure me. This is about making the most of your assets and you feeling comfortable in what can be a stressful situation, before later leading me through a series of exercises via webcam.

At first I felt plain ridiculous, like a drunk gorilla, but then I noticed that the different posture eased the pressure on my back, deep, relaxed breathing was easierand I was later pleasantly surprised how much easier it made taking the floor and assuring I was heard in our project team sessions.

Not only because my future with Stella depended upon it  the application project for the job in Athens was by far the biggest professional challenge I had to face, involving endless working hours, leaving barely enough time to even sleep. The content development was the easiest part. Convincing everybody of it, making sure deadlines were met in five different languages and working cultures, accommodating national sensitivities while at the same time keeping them in check, staying within the limits of a rather tight budgetand all that with the fierce competition of 17 applicants for 7 positions  that was clearly tougher than I had anticipated. 

In those weeks I didnt look left or right, worked an average of 16 hours every day including week-ends. The only time off I took was to meet twice a week with André. Sabine tried to contact me several times, insistently asking for us to meet  but I simply felt I was too exhausted. Divorce and closure for our relationship would have to wait until the job question was resolved. 

Even André realized this after he had also tried to convince me that a meeting of all three of us might be helpful, when I almost fell asleep over dinner one evening at the fish market. Okay, I can see that you honestly are too over-worked right now to get much out of meeting with Mami. It would do her good, but Ill do my best to explain. Make sure you get some more sleep!

Thanks a million André, I dont want to be mean, but Im honestly too exhausted right now. If there is anything we should solve, Id prefer we do it in writing, so I can deal with it when I can actually concentrate for five minutesand not while some crazy Bulgarian is trying to convince me to extend the series on their royal family from 3 to 15 sequels!

Inka-Sophie grinned and slightly shook her head. André, I dont think its a good idea for your parents to meet and solve issues while everything is still in limbo. Itll be much easier once the divorce settlement has been filed  then they have a new solid foundation on which to re-establish a different set of relations. Theyll both feel better- itll be easier for them if they meet after those awful sessions are through. Why dont we cook dinner for Sabine  so I can explain everything to her, tell her about the mistakes my mother made?

André and I gaped at her, he saying incredulously. But you dont like Mami at all. You begrudge her the Jens-affair worse than Paps does. Why would you do that? 

Blushing, Inka-Sophie re-stacked her French fries on the plate before answering. Shes your mother, and you want to help her, while its important to me to help you. I think I have a few helpful explanations and stories to offer. You know I side with Uli, but still, your mother is suffering pretty badly because she has realized she was wrong  even I feel a little sorry for her. Maybe your habit of always trying to bring everyone together and making them happy is rubbing off on me. I promise Ill be really nice to her

André looked doubtful, while but I was overwhelmed by her generosity. 

Isa that might yet be the most fantastic thing you are willing to do for us! 


Stella and I stayed in close touch- I called her twice a day, once during my lunch break and again in the late evening, but I missed her physical closeness under pressure more than ever. She boosted my morale during the lengthy scrutinizing process, when I was slightly doubtful how things were progressing. Uli, I know you are doing everything for Ariadne and me, to make sure we get that happy home in Athens. Dont worry so much, itll work out! From what you have been telling me, decision making in Germany seems to be slow. What did Silke say?

Shes on the employee co-determination committee  she gave me a thumbs up, says everybody is very pleased so far with my workbut Im not sure

That sounds pretty good  we just need a little more patience, Stella sighed. Admittedly, Im running out of that  I miss you so much. Not having you wrap your arms around me, not being able to snuggle into your warm, comforting belly makes me feel so alone and empty- even though I have a nice little belly of my own by now, leaving me slightly choked up. As I didnt answer for maybe a minute Stella asked, Are you still there, Uli? Are you okay?

Im so much more than okay, I dont know what to say, Stella my love, I finally pressed out. I had never imagined anyone would ever say that she misses my fat belly  you truly seem to care for all of me, that feels so incredibly good. I cant say how dreadfully I miss everything about youIll continue working like crazy so we can be together again as soon as possible. 

Still, it took another endless ten days, not made easier by having to work through the drafts for my divorce settlement, before I was surprisingly called to the senior management out of a session in the middle of the morning for what I thought was another lengthy feed-back session, now on an individual basis. That is how it started out, only for the chairman of our European operations to say after 20 minutes. Well, Mr. Rheinstein, I think this is it  if you say yes, you can start as our South-East Europe editor-in-chief in Athens on October 1st.  forcing me to somehow channel my pure glee into presentable pleasure as befitting a business environment. 

The second I left the meeting room  I immediately called Stella, even though it was 3:30 a.m. in Chicago, but she was instantly wide awake and we shouted out our delight, before I gave her the details. A three year contract with an extension as well as a return option and sizable ex-pat benefits, the downside being I would have to travel a lot and she had to count on me being away from Athens probably around 4-5 months a year.

Uli, thats no problem, well work that out! This is such wonderful news  Ive already found us an apartment through family connections, down in Glyfada, near the sea  how do you like that? Ill e-mail you the details  and if its fine with you, we can sign the lease today, Stellas enthused. And Ill travel to Athens next week to get everything ready for us, be there ahead of you

Stella, dont overdo it! Youll exhaust yourself! Think of Ariadne, take it slow! I tried to caution her.

Staying here, not being able to do anything would exhaust me, Stella insisted. Dont worry, Ill be staying with Vassiliki and Georgios, theyll take more than good care of me. And my grandparents are coming to help from Naxos.

Okay, okay, but promise youll be careful!

I promise, Stella giggled, my grandparents are overjoyed to have me close again with a great-granddaughter on the way. My grandmother has been lighting a candle for you every day at Agios Andreas, she says you are the best thing that could have happened to me. She gave my father an honest to God verbal trashing when she found out how nasty they have been to you because of the not-being-able-to-get-married-yet-issue! My father should appreciate that I had found someone who was willing to work so hard to make me happy, bring me home to Greece, and have a good income to provide for Ariadne 


Sabine and I met in person only the day we went to our lawyer to do the paperwork for filing the divorce. It was an uncomfortable situation. Sabine was in tears and I had such a big lump in my throat that I mostly nodded or shook my head instead of verbalizing my responses. 

After the longest two hours of my life, our lawyer said, Okay, thats it  Ill file it on Monday and if everything goes as planned, you should receive the divorce before Christmas, at the latest in January. 

Suddenly, I felt truly unburdened, an almost physical feeling of relief  Isas prediction had been right, as always. 

Sabine clearly did not feel this way, she couldnt stop sobbing and half ran out after shaking hands with the lawyer and me. As I left the office building, I saw her sitting, half-hidden on a bench a little way into the small park across the street  and walked over, sat down next to her, shocked at how extremely thin she had gotten. She hugged her into my soft belly  something I had always avoided. I stroked her back, somehow trying to comfort her. I felt unbelievably sorry for her  this was how I had felt after Jens had appeared. Having lost something you desperately wanted back, knowing it was lost for good. At the same time, I felt strangely detached  signing the divorce papers had felt liberating, had been closure for one chapter of my life, while my mind and emotions were already full of the plot for the next chapter. 

Sabine calmed down a bit and sat up, looked for some tissues and dried her face, before taking a few deep breaths in silence. 

Are you okay? I asked carefully. Shall we go for coffee somewhere? Or would you prefer I leave, or call one of your friends for you?

No, its okay, Ill manage, Sabine mumbled. Thank you for being so kind and considerate. Ill get a grip on myself. Coffee is not a bad idea.

Settling in the slightly outdated café at the end of the park, we ordered coffee I resisted cake and waited for Sabine to say something to not pressure her. After our coffee came, Sabine pulled something out of her handbag, wrapped in a small cloth bag and pushed it over. You probably were right not wanting to meet me before this set date for our divorce settlement, Im pretty messed up right now and terrible company. 

Sabine, I had a true overload of work for the new position opening the little bag, starting as out cluttered 4 small pieces of childrens cutlery. What the  before taking a closer look and remembering: It had been Astrids gift to Andrés birth  a cute set of childrens cutlery with small animals and an A-monogram  and André had learned his table manners with it. Memories swirled through my mind making me swallow hard, while I fingered the small pieces, not knowing what to say, or daring to look at Sabine.

Congratulations that youre going to have a little girl, Sabine choked, then breathed deeply before continuing in a half-whisper. Thank you for the really sweet letter you wrote me that was very fair. I couldnt respond. Im still trying to digest the fact. That hurts the worst. Youre having the baby I had hoped might reconcile us with someone else

Sabine, please, dont torture yourself, we dont have to talk about it I found her palpable agonizing hard to bear.

No, its fine. You had every right to become involved with Stella  I was the one who started with Jens I know, we know such things can happenI know better than anybody else how your appetites get the better of you giving me a very small, crooked smile, causing me to blush furiously.

I honestly want us to stay friends. I set out down this road to divorce, I somehow got priorities wrong in our relationshipso I have to live with the consequences, Sabine went on in a small voice. But I couldnt stand us ending in you maybe refusing to meet me or looking at me with hate and rejection. Nor do I want André to suffer for any sort of war of roses between us. So Ill try my best to accept things as they are, do my part to make them as easy as possible for you and André.

Sabine, I took her cold hands and rubbed them. Im sorry we ended this way too, but as you said, my appetites have always been stronger than my willpower or your tolerance. Yes, I want us to stay friends more than anything, thank you for being so understanding. Now what about the cutlery?

Sabine breathed deep, called the waiter over and ordered a piece of chocolate truffle cake. I think I should eat something for a change. What about you?

I shook my head slightly grinning. I already had two desserts to calm down for this appointment, thats enough. But Im worried about you  by any standards, you are too thin right now.

Yeah, everyone says thatI just cant eat. Ill try and start again now - youve always been good company for eating, maybe that will help revive my appetite. Sabine took a bite of her cake, fed me a fork full to taste and went on in a very low voice, so I had to concentrate to hear her.

About the cutlery  and why I wanted to meet you. André let slip that you chose Ariadne as a name for his little sister. While we were clearing up the attic, we found this box with Andrés baby and childhood things. Some of the very nice ones, mostly from our parents, are marked with an A. If you want, I think André would like to give them to you for Ariadne. Its okay with me, she is going to be his sister, so it would make sense for them to share such small family traditions. What do you think? Could you, would you want to come by to look through and maybe pack some of them up?

Her suggestion left me stunned  I only know that I had never respected her as much as I did in that moment, vaguely sensing how much this offer must cost her. And it reminded me why I had loved her for so long despite our problems. I dont know what to say Sabine. Thats an incredibly sweet offerand yes, for Andrés sake, for the sake of our happy memories, Ill humbly accept it.


The remaining two weeks at home flew by in preparations for my new job, endless phone conferences with Stella in Athens who full of delight told me all details of how our apartment in Athens was going to look like and before I knew it, I was packing for Greece. On leaving, I got on the scale to assess the damage done by indulging on my mothers great home cooking  it once again read 125kg/275 lbs. compensating the effects of my summer heat fasting. 

I flew to Athens via Munich, where we were caught in a pretty bad rain storm and had a serious delay because water had gotten into some security equipment. Since it was Oktoberfest time, Lufthansa went out of its way to accommodate the stuck passengers. The staff, all seasonally dressed in Dirndls showed us to a make-shift beer garden that had been set up inside the small mall, where we were served as much beer, large pretzels cheese, Leberkäse and Weißwürste as we wanted.

Since the combination of eating while reading has always been one of my favorite past times, I made generous use of the offer - until I heard an odd ripping sound and looked up from my book. The young businessman sitting across from me had returned with another loaded plate, and in sitting down, the rear seams of his too tight pants had split, making him turn dark red and hastily try to cover himself with his suit jacket. 

Dont worry, I wont tell anybody, I grinned, patting my own massive and by now once more roundly stuffed belly. Things like that constantly happen to me tooyou dont have to be embarrassed. He was not as big as I was, but very chubby with 2 sizable spare ties, accentuated by too tight clothes.

Thanks for understanding. This kind of shit is happening to me again all the time lately  I just cant control my appetite, he half groaned. At least I should introduce myself, Im Christoph from Frankfurt.

Im Uli on my way to Athens - same problem with the appetite.

Athens? On vacation?

No, new job 

And we started talking about our jobs since it turned out he had worked on several water utilities projects in the Balkan countries I was going to be dealing with. After a while Christoph reluctantly wanted to know. May I ask you something personal, Uli? Are you married?

Currently thats a tricky question. Technically Im in divorce proceedings  but emotionally, Im happily committed and were expecting our first child, I answered watching his astonished reaction in amusement. 

Okay, I have an idea what that could be about, Christoph smirked before his face fell again. My girlfriend and I are planning on getting married next Aprilbut she wants me to lose at least 18 kg/40 lbs. until them, otherwise shell call off the wedding. Right now its going awfully I keep gaining more back instead of losing some. Has this ever been an issue for you?

I groaned. Total déjà vu, ending in the afore mentioned divorcebut my beloved now fortunately is very tolerant and accepting, so Im happily off the endless yo-yo diet treadmill, as you can see.

For me its really hard, Ive been fat all my life, fat kid, fat teen, fatter student, a lot fatter than now, Christoph sighed. Then I met my girlfriend at work and she helped me diet down to an almost normal weight  but now Im backsliding fast and my last diet attempts have failed. So she is seriously threatening to call off the wedding

Its none of my business, but from my own painful experience, I can only give you one piece of advice. When you get home, ask her to marry you again, no matter what you weigh. If she insists on a certain number on the scale - then dont marry her. For the sake of your own health, happiness and self-esteem  chances are high that it wouldnt work in the long run. Especially if you know for yourself that life-long dieting is not your forte. Trust me.

Hmm...thank you for being so direct. Most people have been telling me she doesnt really mean itbut Ive the bad feeling shes totally serious about it, Christoph shook his head. She makes me get on the scale in front of her 3 times a week lately and every time I come back from a business trip. Ive been on the road for 10 days, you saw what happened to my pantsIm truly dreading the look on her face when she sees the numbers on the scale now and the scolding Im going to catch.

OuchI know all too well how horrible that feels, cringing at the memory. In hindsight, I made the mistake of putting up with that kind of humiliating pressure for way too long, until I lost all self-esteem and was caught in the role of the permanent underdog in our relationship. I wasted almost 10 years of my life on yo-yo dieting, getting physically and emotionally more miserable with every failed attempt to keep my weight in check. Stand up to her now, be yourself as long as you can still change something  or leave her.

Christoph looked very thoughtful. Ill think about it. Would you mind giving me your e-mail address, so we can maybe stay in touch?


Finally squeezing comfortably into the seat on the plane to Athens, tugging the seat belt to make it close under my full belly, I mused how my entire life had truly changed over the past year. My conversation with Christoph had been a disturbing ride down memory lane - and reminded me how different I felt about myself, my body, my weightmy belly resting big, round, full and - yes - proud in my lap. Its warm, heavy expanse felt comforting and the thought that Stella would rub, fondle and cuddle in 2 hours time was drowsily arousing. 

We belonged together my belly and I, for better or worse, we would somehow navigate and negotiate our life together through a not always welcoming and accepting world. Although I did not seriously want to get any heavier than I was now, the naughty little fantasy of having an even bigger belly to match the one of a nine months pregnant Stella spooked through my mind periodically these days, creating some lustily ambiguous day dreams. 

Listen belly, I told it, Ive noticed youve been increasingly demanding lately, you probably remember how it was last time when we were expecting André  and now you think you should be eating for two again, right? But these days, you already look at least seven months pregnant all the timeso we should take it slow, there is not much catching up you need to do. Youve already had a nice Oktoberfest-fill todayand I wont restrain myself for the Greek welcome dinner tonight either, okay? Only pre-condition to continue our armistice with the dieting-world; I never want the two of us to need a seat-belt extensiondid you hear that? That is where I draw the line! before I dosed off dreaming of Stella and me on a Greek island.

As the plane door opened in Athens, I stepped out into bright sunlight, squinting, and a gust of warm air psychically hitting me, heavy with an intoxicating mix of scents: kerosene, dust, and sea salt and wild herbs from the arid surrounding hills  a smell I immediately associated with Naxos, Stella and happiness, taking it as the best omen possible. 

After picking up my luggage at the baggage claim, my belly pushed open the simple barrier at Schengen entries  to bump first thing into Stellas still much smaller, but nicely noticeable six-month Ariadne belly, beautifully highlighted by a clingy summer dress as she flew around my neck. No words were necessary, just her kiss and touch  squeezing my love handles, stroking my double-chin, rubbing my flesh sides, playfully fondling my belly overhang - told me I had entered my new life where I could feel truly loved and accepted


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## WillSpark (Feb 14, 2010)

Having read through from the very first post. This was a fantastic experience. I say experience because ultimately it was more than a story, and it was just so satisfying to see completed. Thank you for blessing our eyes with this piece.


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## Lou Grant (Mar 16, 2010)

Bump after edit.

Very nice character development throughout the story, agouderia. Although I'm not sure why you seemed so intent using "..." and "-" as often as you did. 

Based on the comments that were posted before I got to editing, it did not seem to hamper anyone's reading of the story so I left them in, for the most part.


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## agouderia (Mar 17, 2010)

Lou Grant said:


> Although I'm not sure why you seemed so intent using "..." and "-" as often as you did.




:doh: so sorry, I know I sometimes have the "and"-issue, but didn't realize it hit so badly this time! (Actually, I had already pruned - so I thought - a lot of 'ands', but as I saw now, not nearly enough - ugggh! Maybe this happened because the story started out as a translation, sometimes that gets me into the wrong rhythm.)

Thank you for all the work you put into it. In the meantime I have re-edited it again myself, "de-anded" it - would it be possible or worthwhile to post the revised version??


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## Lou Grant (Mar 17, 2010)

agouderia said:


> :doh: so sorry, I know I sometimes have the "and"-issue, but didn't realize it hit so badly this time! (Actually, I had already pruned - so I thought - a lot of 'ands', but as I saw now, not nearly enough - ugggh! Maybe this happened because the story started out as a translation, sometimes that gets me into the wrong rhythm.)
> 
> Thank you for all the work you put into it. In the meantime I have re-edited it again myself, "de-anded" it - would it be possible or worthwhile to post the revised version??



It is your story, so I'll leave it up to you. Like I said the comments show it was well received as is, so no need for apologies. 

If you would like a revision put up, however, the easiest way would be to send it to me. PM me if you would like and I'll send you an email you can send it to, as lengthy stories don't usually travel well through the PM system.


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