# Fat and your identity



## Ruffie (May 2, 2007)

A very good guy friend of mine last night and I were having a conversation about weight. I had mentioned that over the last year I had lost a bit of weight and now am two sizes smaller on top and one size on the bottom(i don't own a scale so not sure how much I lost). I was frustrated about that cause most of the work I have done has been lower body, but being pear shaped I guess its natural to lose the weight that way. He said to me have you ever considered gastric bypass surgery? I said I hadn't for the following reasons. Number one the risks involved, number two the fact that in my province there is a 4 year waiting list and thirdly that I have always been fat and have no desire to be really thin. He said well how do you know if you have never tried it? 
And that got me to thinking. How many of us fat people identify alot of who we are with the weight we carry around with us? I have always been fat and think that to be thin might make me feel weird. Does anyone else feel this way?


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## MsGreenLantern (May 2, 2007)

I can definately relate. Often I have pondered with my friends how I would look, would I like it, would it be weird? As far back as I can remember I have been overweight or larger, and even on those odd diet/exercise times of my life I never lost enough to see a big difference except in my legs. Fat is part of who I am, and I sincerely believe that being fat, being put down on, and building up my self esteem has made me who I am. Being thin almost feels like it would be a cop-out since I worked so many years trying to be okay with myself. I'd have to start from scratch!


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## bigsexy920 (May 2, 2007)

I remember once when I was in high school there was a discussion in class about what you would change about yourself and what would you never change about yourself. We had to write an essay and then read it in class. Anyway I don't remember what it was that I said I wanted to change about myself but I do remember saying that I didnt want to change my size. At the time I was about 280 and in high school thats BIG to all those other little kids. I remember eveyone asking why and I remember thinking and saying that I thought it would change my personality too much and that I didnt want my getting smaller changing who I was. I was pretty funny, I was very thoughtfull of others and I befriended everyone. I remember that I associated my size to that behavior, like it made me more open to others because that was how I wanted people to be with me.


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## Tina (May 2, 2007)

When I was younger I would have gotten rid of my fat in a heartbeat, and in any way possible, I didn't care. But as I've gotten older, and particularly as I came to love my body and that it is fat, I wouldn't trade for the world.

A fat woman is substantial. People notice for better or worse, so it gives one a chance to make a difference.

My body has softness and curves that feel feminine, and to me, too. I like the way I feel.

I like that my proportions are a bit out of whack. It amuses me that some must look at my ass in wonder, even if it's a negative kind of wonder. It's all a part of me, and my body has gotten me through trials, tribulations and wonderful experiences. It would likely still do that were I thin, but were I thin I wouldn't feel like 'me.' Yes, being fat is certainly part of my identity and even though I have lost weight and will continue to try to lose a bit more, it will always be part of my identity, because let's face it 300 lbs is still plenty fat, soft, womanly and sexy.


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## Forgotten_Futures (May 2, 2007)

I'm not fat, and never have been since I was a wee lad too young to remember it, but I can relate anyway. For the last 2 years, maybe a bit more than that, I had gone without haircuts except possibly just a small trim once or twice to neaten up. My hair got nice and long, going down about to my shoulder blades. Recently, I got in cut WAY back to less than 2 inches top, and shorter sides and much shorter on the back. I'm still not completely used to not having long hair.


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## imfree (May 2, 2007)

I was thin as a child and always wanted to be fat. I was a fat person in 
a thin body until I started gaining at 18. I was attracted to fat people long 
before my sexuality began to develop and the attraction only intensified as my 
sexuality developed.


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## BBW Betty (May 2, 2007)

This is a very interesting question, and one I've been thinking about lately. I've always been fat, from the time I was a toddler, and I've gotten fatter over the years. I really do just consider it part of who I am, especially since my Frank loves it. :blush: I sometimes wonder just how much easier it would be to get around, and things like that. But would I still be me if I weighed what the BMI charts say I should???? I seriously doubt it. My fat experiences have led me to become the person I am today.


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## Butterbelly (May 2, 2007)

I try not to make my "fat" a major part of my idenity. I was fat as a child all the way through until I was 21-22 and lost almost 150lbs. I know that after the weight loss, I was not happy with my body, and felt very uncomfortable being thin. I've gained all of the weight back and a bit more...I'm happier now with myself than I ever have been.

I replied on another thread, that when I look in the mirror, I don't see a fat person. I don't feel fat either. There were times in my younger years that I absolutely hated my body and hated myself.


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## imfree (May 2, 2007)

BBW Betty said:


> This is a very interesting question, and one I've been thinking about lately. I've always been fat, from the time I was a toddler, and I've gotten fatter over the years. I really do just consider it part of who I am, especially since my Frank loves it. :blush: I sometimes wonder just how much easier it would be to get around, and things like that. But would I still be me if I weighed what the BMI charts say I should???? I seriously doubt it. My fat experiences have led me to become the person I am today.



Sing loudly and sing proudly, BBW Betty. My pastor says "Adversity
builds character." and he's right. I really believe the challenges brought on
by being fat make us smarter, and in some ways, even stronger.


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## Friday (May 2, 2007)

That whole 'how do you know if you haven't tried it' thing bothers me. Has your friend ever been fat? How does he know he wouldn't like it?

And you might point out that having major surgery just to 'try something out' would be pretty stupid. It's not like having your hair colored or something where you can just have it undone at the salon or spend a few months letting it grow out. It's major. body altering. potentially lethal. surgery.


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## fatgirl33 (May 2, 2007)

I grew up never being happy with my size, even though I was either "normal-sized" or close to to when I was in school. Even in high school, when I thought I was HU-U-UGE  I was probably only 15 lbs heavier than the girls I wished I looked like.  

Being comfortable with my size (and my love of size) has really only happened in the last 8-10 years for me, and it was a gradual thing. It has felt as though my body image, or image of myself, has been exhaling over that time, and grown more relaxed, just like your body relaxes as you slowly exhale a deep breath. Now I am comfortable enough with myself that I cannot imagine not being "big". How big is a different question. I feel like I have the same body I did seven years ago, even though I know I've gained forty or fifty pounds since then, and I know it's harder to get out of the reclining chair in the living room.

As I've said before in other threads, my only regret is that I wasted so much time feeling negatively about myself when I was in high school and college. I can't even reconcile those feelings with who I am anymore! It's very strange to think about...

Brenda


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## Sweet Tooth (May 2, 2007)

As one who has always been fat to some degree, I'm not sure how much my identity is tied up in being fat. I'd like to think that I'd be the same person at any size. I also know I don't see myself as being as big as I am [especially when I think I can squeeze through those tables at the coffee shop]. I know I'd be pissed off at those who would treat a thin me different from a fat me. Fat has obviously contributed to my feelings about justice, civility, and what really matters in life.

However, as someone married to an FA and involved in this community, can I really foresee how things would change if I suddenly woke up thin? It's not just about my identity as a fat women, then, but my identity as a BBW wife and participant in SA. While I don't define myself solely [or even primarily] by my fat, I'd be remiss if I didn't think not being fat would affect my whole personhood.


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## Punkin1024 (May 2, 2007)

I've been fat for the majority of my life. I'm a short person and I feel that my fat does help me get noticed, if I want to be noticed. When I think about my identity, I usually don't think about my fat alone. As many have mentioned, being fat has helped form my personality. I am more thoughtful of others, and more accepting of all sizes. I feel that my size also helped me mature faster than my schoolmates. I believe that my fatness has given me a more rounded  personality and I will continue to become better with age. What I won't do is change my size, if things continue on naturally. 
I do remember when my Mom lost 150 pounds that she just didn't seem to be Mom anymore. Even my niece commented that she missed the soft, squishy Granny. I remember watching my Mom stand around and she seemed to not know where to put her arms (not having a tummy to rest them on anymore). Of course, the diet didn't last long and once she stopped dieting (Medifast), the weight all came back and she was Mom again.

~Punkin


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## Ruby Ripples (May 3, 2007)

Thanks for posting this interesting question (((Ruffie))). I was only really slightly plump in high school, 143lbs or so at the most, but it was enough for my sisters (one in particular) to call me fat names every day in life about it. Friends in school never mentioned my weight and the only thing I remember was being told by classmates when we were fifteen, that they would have voted me to go forward for our class in the school beauty contest (yes.. beauty contest :blink: ) but I was a bit too......., lol. I had such low self-esteem then that I took it as a great compliment! I think experiences of being humiliated for being fat over years must to some extent shape who we are as people, even if we subsequently lose weight and become slim. 

I don't know if my mindset is different to other peoples.. I was always kind of bemused when dieting (which I did for yeeearrs), as I didn't think I looked bad with a bit of fat on me, it was everyone else who seemed to find it a mortal sin. Aged 22 I went from about 175lbs, (chubby), to 130lbs (slimmish). So many people came up and told me how great I looked, people who hadn't ever spoken to me before in the three years I had worked there (small private hospital). I was congratulated daily. I HATED it, really hated it. Before I lost that 45lbs I was exactly the same person with exactly the same style of clothes, hair, makeup, personality. I know I didn't change at all as a person other than to see the true shallowness in some people. Forty five pounds of fat on my body had made people disdain me to the extent they wouldn't even communicate with me, when I was only chubby, lol. I became very cynical through this experience and although I was able to find clothes to fit me in any shop after I lost weight (at that time I was UK 12 on bottom 14 on top, clothes only went to 14 in shops), that is the only thing I liked about the whole experience. I did NOT like all the extra attention I suddenly got from men and just other people in general. At the same time as all this, I also felt weirdly "invisible" because I just looked like everyone else. I was very shy then, yet still enjoyed being a little different and standing out from the crowd. 

Sorry for this long rambling rant, I guess what Im saying is... as a slim person I was exactly the same inside as I am as a fat person, except I felt uncomfortable in some ways. I just didnt feel good knowing I was being treated better all round simply because I weighed a bit less than I had before. I guess its the way people treat us as fat people and how we become as a result of that treatment, that helps to shape our own sense of identity. I definitely feel that fat is a lot to do with my identity, and I like it just fine. I enjoy being "different" in some ways in life and my fat does that for me. Last night I asked my 15 yr old neice how she would feel if the next time she saw me I was thin and she exclaimed "noooooo, it wouldn't be you, you're meant to be fat". I think it WOULD be me, but not the complete me, as yes I agree, I do believe I am meant to be fat.  

p.s. I am very well aware that at my size there must be many more people who wouldn't speak to me now, than when I dieted from 175 to 130lbs... and hooray for that, as they are exactly the type of people I wouldn't want in my life even if I was a 100lb ballerina!


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## TallFatSue (May 3, 2007)

Obesity is a major part of my life, but I don't dwell on it any more than, say, the color of my hair or the fact that I wear eyeglasses. Most of the time, my fat is just kinda there, that's all. A couple times a day I'm reminded just how fat I am when I need to guesstimate whether a chair will hold me, or if I get into an unfamiliar car. Or when I see myself in the mirror after I get out of the shower, I think "Wow! I sure am fat!" but I'm also just vain enough to think "Gee, it looks good on me." 

I totally agreed that obesity has helped shape my character, and for that reason I'm actually quite proud of my fat. It's obvious that I'm huge, so I try to accentuate my figure, not hide it. Obesity, and all the challenges and fringe benefits associated with it, have helped make me a better person.

Life would definitely be more convenient without a few hundred pounds of extra body fat bouncing around, but it could hardly be more interesting and enjoyable. I embrace my size.


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## imfree (May 3, 2007)

TallFatSue said:


> Obesity is a major part of my life, but I don't dwell on it any more than, say, the color of my hair or the fact that I wear eyeglasses. Most of the time, my fat is just kinda there, that's all. A couple times a day I'm reminded just how fat I am when I need to guesstimate whether a chair will hold me, or if I get into an unfamiliar car. Or when I see myself in the mirror after I get out of the shower, I think "Wow! I sure am fat!" but I'm also just vain enough to think "Gee, it looks good on me."
> 
> I totally agreed that obesity has helped shape my character, and for that reason I'm actually quite proud of my fat. It's obvious that I'm huge, so I try to accentuate my figure, not hide it. Obesity, and all the challenges and fringe benefits associated with it, have helped make me a better person.
> 
> Life would definitely be more convenient without a few hundred pounds of extra body fat bouncing around, but it could hardly be more interesting and enjoyable. I embrace my size.




I'm with you, Sue, I love your post and the way you think.


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## HottiMegan (May 3, 2007)

I have never been thin. I don't know what it would be like. I am pretty sure that growing up fat has affected how i am personality wise. I like my body but it took me a long time to get to that. I am in the process of losing weight but still enjoy all the parts of me. (well maybe not the baggy skin I'm getting on my butt, thighs and arms right now)

I'd say the only thing I'd enjoy at being thin are the clothes and shoes. I don't have fat feet but I'm too fat to wear heels and be comfy. I'm a clothes whore and like a lot of the things that wont come in my size. 

I find it really funny when i go to my son's preschool and the kids look at me with awe. I tower over most of the teachers in height and outweigh them by a ton. One kid thought i was a giant. I still look back on that one with a smile


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## Miss Vickie (May 3, 2007)

For me it's a huge part of my identity, which is weird since I'm no longer really fat. (I'm not even sure what I *am* now at a size 14. Average? Plump? To Hollywood I'm most definitely fat). I still think of myself as a fat woman, though, because I have spent my entire life since early teens such. Sometimes my co-workers have to remind me, because I'll say something like "Let me get my fat ass out of the way" and they just laugh and say, "Um... have you LOOKED in a mirror lately? You HAVE no ass, woman!"

I just feel sort of.... average, now.  I kind of miss having substance and distinction. I'll have to find some other way to get noticed, I suppose.


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## Tina (May 3, 2007)

Getting noticed will never be a problem you will have to suffer, my dear.


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## Tooz (May 4, 2007)

Well, for the most part, I've been fat to varying degrees my entire life. I can say with moderate certainty (but not total, because I've never been truly skinny) that I don't think I'd feel right if I was skinny. I guess there are a lot of reasons, but I can't put my finger on it really.


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## SilkyAngela (May 4, 2007)

What a great question! I love when my thinking is challenged, especially by people I respect deeply....so here goes 

I have been fat or bigger than my peers since at least the age of 9. I was an early bloomer making for a great deal of awkwardness and self-esteem issues at an early age. In my teenage years my size became something of an obsession with me, even in size 16 jeans, most of my friends were wearing 3's and I was always very aware that by the standards of those around me, physically, I was less attractive and desirable because of it. Yes hearing a chick who was 100 pounds soaking wet complaining about how fat she was made me see myself as what had to be the size of a barn. I was the class weirdo, never fitting in with any clique, but traveling in and out of all the circles with many friends from all the social classes represented. But up until my freshman year in high school, I never really became close with any other big girls....but everyone knew I preferred the big hunky chubby guys to date. I became close with 2 gals who made a huge difference in my attitude. Both of them making the same complaints as my skinny friends, but I saw them so differently. To me they were beautiful, soft, and curvy, and certainly they were much more feminine than our stick figured counterparts. At this same time I was watching my mother hit diet after diet trying to get thin. All those mixed signals about what is important and what is attractive and valuable I'm sure affected who I am today and it seems that even now in times of stress or insecurity, whatever is going through my head is something that comes from that time in my life. 

Now at the age of 36 and 255 pounds of soft feminine flesh, I love the way I feel to the touch, I love the way my weight moves when I walk or dance. I even like what I see when I look in the mirror, and quite frankly, I can't imagine myself being thin. If I woke up tomorrow and I was suddenly an average weight for my height, I don't think my personality would be different but I think my perception of what it is to be thin would probably change. Honestly, I don't think anyone has it easy and we all have problems. I just know that at the end of the day, I'm still a fat girl, but now I feel I can embrace her for all she is and all she can be and not just see fat or judge the fat as being good or bad. Since coming to a place where I can embrace this trait as being nothing more than a characteristic like hair color or shoe size, I can see that I am living and enjoying my life and laughing and loving more deeply than I ever could have before. Maybe it is just the appreciation of being secure and happy now that makes the difference for me, but I know that I am a better friend, mother, wife, and lover because I value myself. Fat has played such a huge (haha) role in my life bringing me to where I am, I have to say it is part of who I am and always will be regardless of my size.


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## Tad (May 4, 2007)

I was somewhat chubby as a young childenough to get teased about it a couple of times in kindergarten-- but from mid grade school through mid high school I was no more than a little on the heavy end of normal. But still I identified with fat people, sympathized with fat people, and in some way felt like I belonged with fat people. I remember meeting a couple of kids with really fat moms, and having some sort of pre-pubescent lust to be in their shoes, where I imagined fat would be acceptable (I was rather naïve, thinking that all fat people would accept fat in others, particularly their kids).

I think at some point fairly young I concluded that when I was older I would be fatter. How much fatter I was never sure, but that I would be at least somewhat fat seemed something of a foregone conclusion. And now I am somewhat fat  Even if I became thin again, Im sure that this fat identification would stay with me.

-Ed


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## Waxwing (May 4, 2007)

I very much identify myself as fat even though technically I'm not any longer. I was fat when my identity was being formed, and I think that to some extent my brain got stuck in that place. 

I think that I'm fat every day. It's irrational, but I'll probably always feel this way.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 4, 2007)

This is one of several books I read about compulsive over-eating but I consider this one of the best. It goes into what the OP is talking about- how we identify ourselves and our weight. The authors have you relax and start thinking about how you REALLY perceive fat and thin people. You might find that when you think about being thin, that you subconsciously attach negative connotations onto thin people- and vice versa about being fat. You might attach good feelings onto heavier people and never realize it. In other words, you might find yourself always saying you want to be thin because it is somehow "good" yet subconsciously disagree. It was an interesting read all around. 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0201122197/?tag=skimlinks_replacement-20


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## butch (May 5, 2007)

When I've thought about fat and identity, I've always thought that it would be great to say "I don't have a fat identity, I'm a person who happens to be fat" because I think the less labels we attach to ourselves, the better, since it is less likely we'll feel the need to divide ourselves into various groups that keeps people from truly feeling solidarity with each other as members of the human race.

But, the reality is, regardless of whether I claim a fat identity, society has already forced me to claim it. So, what to do? If I reject that label, then I let a fatphobic society define me to the public at large, and if I accept it, I help to perpetrate a system that at this point believes to be fat is a fate worse than death.

So, I try to reclaim what fat means for myself and others, and hope that for those of us who do this, eventually the word fat will cease to be such a powerful tool of negativity for our culture. 

With that being said, I have a very strong belief in my own 'fat identity' because I enjoy lots of things about being fat, and I am attracted to other fat people. I don't know how else to sustain these beliefs without having a central 'fat identity.' In fact, out of all the different identities I could claim, I think I claim fat before all others except maybe for my racial identity, but I don't have nearly as many pleasant associations with my racial identity as I do my bodily identity.


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## TallFatSue (May 7, 2007)

I've been thinking about this some more. Fat is a major part of my identity, and it has shaped me both physically and mentally in some very positive ways. As long as I am happy and healthy, my fat can stay right where it is. However there's more to me than my fat, and I also realize that obesity carries certain health risks. Were I ever to develop any health problems which could be improved by weight loss, such as diabetes, high cholesterol, bad knees etc. then I would certainly lose weight. I want to keep medication (and its side effects) to an absolute minimum. I wouldn't be happy about it, and it would be very hard to relinquish much of my fat after living with it and loving it for decades; but with a major incentive like health, I could make the sacrifice. It's all about informed choices, and in my case so far the benefits of obesity are far greater than detriments.


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## Dreadlock Holiday (May 26, 2007)

On a slightly flipped side of this point, I suppose that the fact that I find some fat girls sexy isn't at all part of my identity as others see it. It's a purely internal thing. It's sad in a way, because I would like it to be publicly known and accepted, but I'm not willing to go along with the associated nonsense. That's my choice, I suppose!


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## fatgirl33 (May 29, 2007)

butch said:


> With that being said, I have a very strong belief in my own 'fat identity' because I enjoy lots of things about being fat, and I am attracted to other fat people.



Your comment brought something to mind... It has occurred to me that as I've grown older (now in my mid-30s) I have cared less about what other people think and have grown more interested in my own preferences. Because I like fat people (and yes, even though it's not necessarily politically correct to say this, in general I prefer fat people) I've grown more attracted to fat. Not only in others, but in myself as well.

The thing I'm not sure about is what the effect of age is on this shift to pro-fat? Is it because I'm getting old, or just because I've been exposed to the size acceptance movement for the last decade?

Hmmm... 
Brenda


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## TCUBOB (May 29, 2007)

I find this question fascinating because I have thought about WLS, especially when I was bigger. But it just seems like cheating to me. I have a very weird sense of ethics and morality about certain things, and, at least where MY BODY (emphasis added) is concerned, I want to be able to say, at the end of the day, that I lost weight as the result of my actions, not because some doctor gave me a tiny stomach. I feel that it is an important journey through developing willpower for me, to learn lessons that I had an opportunity to learn earlier in life but chose not to and to take control of my health and my appearance back from the side of myself that led me to certain situations that I face.

Ok, that sounds weird. I'm going to go ahead and post this, but I'm totally not ok with what I just said at all. I'm very......confused? Angry? Sad? Loathing? I have no idea.


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## butch (May 30, 2007)

Hey Brenda,

I think my experiences are just like yours-it took age and exposure to size acceptance for me to find more pleasure in fat bodies, mine and others. Even though I've known about size acceptance since my late teens, I've cycled in and out of my own personal fat acceptance, as well as my appreciation for the beauty of other people's fat bodies. However, in my 30's, I've been constant in my pro-fat stance. 

It was great to read your post.

TCUBOB,

Don't feel uncomfortable with what you wrote. I think if we're honest with ourselves, we'll always struggle with our relationship to our bodies. While I may be very comfortable with some aspects of my body, I have yet to work out how I feel about the health implications of my body and the choices I make. When I lost a lot of weight, it was a very empowering feeling, I must admit. For me, though, I realised that what was most empowering about it wasn't the size of my body, it was the fact that I was able to make healthier choices in what I ate and how I moved my body, and I would like to get back to that place, because it does give you a feeling of taking care of yourself, and giving yourself the kind of self-love that can be hard to hold onto. 

As I get older, I realize that for me the best thing I can do for myself is learn to love the parts of me that are imperfect, and also to value those things in other people, as long as I (and those I care about) are aware of our imperfections and trying to make the most of things in spite of them. Part of that also involves accepting the fact that we're all a ball of contradictions, always wrestling with competing emotions, and that this doesn't mean we're inconsistent people, just thoughtful, evolving people. That process never stops.

Hmm, maybe I haven't touched upon your post at all, Bob. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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## TCUBOB (May 30, 2007)

I dunno either, Butch. But I liked what you wrote even if it didn't have anything to do with what I wrote and I don't know that it didn't. But then again, like I said, I'm weird about certain things. I mean, really.....who other than me cares if I "cheat" to lose weight? It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Yet that doesn't make it any less.....relevant? Important? Vital? Self definitional? to me.

I wish that I had the excuse that I was drunk or high when I came up with that, but I don't.



butch said:


> TCUBOB,
> 
> Don't feel uncomfortable with what you wrote. I think if we're honest with ourselves, we'll always struggle with our relationship to our bodies. While I may be very comfortable with some aspects of my body, I have yet to work out how I feel about the health implications of my body and the choices I make. When I lost a lot of weight, it was a very empowering feeling, I must admit. For me, though, I realised that what was most empowering about it wasn't the size of my body, it was the fact that I was able to make healthier choices in what I ate and how I moved my body, and I would like to get back to that place, because it does give you a feeling of taking care of yourself, and giving yourself the kind of self-love that can be hard to hold onto.
> 
> ...


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## SparklingBBW (May 30, 2007)

butch said:


> self-love



huh-he, huh-he, huh-he. 

You said SELF-LOVE. 

huh-he, huh-he, huh-he


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## butch (May 31, 2007)

Genarose54 said:


> huh-he, huh-he, huh-he.
> 
> You said SELF-LOVE.
> 
> huh-he, huh-he, huh-he



Just you hush, Beavis.

And get your hand off my hitachi magic wand.


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## T_Devil (Jun 1, 2007)

Ruffie said:


> How many of us fat people identify alot of who we are with the weight we carry around with us? I have always been fat and think that to be thin might make me feel weird. Does anyone else feel this way?


My size is what people see. This does does not bother me. I have no desire to be thin. I like being big and being fat is not an issue for me. I think I would feel very strange being thin. I don't think about it. Why should I? For me, that would be like wondering what it would be like to be a tree.


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## CurvaceousBBWLover (Jun 1, 2007)

Being an admirer is part of me. I've made some good friends in the size acceptance culture and I've found some great dates. I think that this aspect of my sexuality is part of what makes me an extraordinary human being.


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD (Jun 1, 2007)

I grew up thin,very thin.At the time, I didn't think I was but when I look back at photos I gasp at how thin I was.As I gained and gained I hated it,with a passion.Only in the last 2 years have I become comfortable with my fat.It's me,plain and simple.I went to my high school reunion recently and was so afraid to see some people but it turned out great.I even have starting dating a guy that I would have NEVER guessed for a chubby chaser!


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## Letiahna (Jun 4, 2007)

Ever since my teens, I was a little overweight. Major overweight started about 10 years ago. 

Even though my weight has been a major source of self-esteem issues, I always refused to diet. Honestly, I don't want to lose the weight. I really don't. If all of a sudden I find myself skinny and with a body most of the plastic-driven population where I live approves of, I would freak out. I want to be accepted, approved, loved, cherished, respected, and appreciated for the person that I am and in the body that I am in NOW. I resent the 'plastic people' for not approving of me in the body that I am in now. If I miraculously lost the weight, I would resent and distrust all men (not that I don't right now, but you know what I mean) and it would change the person that I am and not in a good way.

Does any of this make sense???

Incidentally, I don't want to lose the weight but I don't really want to gain more either (or at least not a whole lot more.) I like my curves and I like the mobility it affords me right now, in and out of the bedroom. I like to be able to walk where I want, go swimming, play with my kids; being able to do anything I want, like go up and down the stairs to my second floor apartment without feeling like I'm going to stop breathing any moment. 

Any which way I look at it, fat describes me, but I don't want it to define me. I want acceptance both from myself and others 

What do you think?


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## merseylass (Jun 4, 2007)

This is a really appropriate discussion as I'm currently having increasing mobility problems (bad knees and arthritis in hands and legs etc.). I have been "overweight"...I hate that word!...since second grade and have been at various ends of the weight issue. I've lost weight, regained it (and more!), dieted so many times I've lost track! I've struggled with self-esteem issues for most of that time too.

In thinking about this I believe a lot of my self-esteem issues were formed from external pressures...from doctors, my mom, bad press....and I found in my 30's I became fed-up with diets and found a group of women to join up with who were "large as life", encouraged one another, made a noise about poor clothing choices, established great groups for fitness classes/swimming and began shouting about the racket of weight-loss "remedies". I gained an insight into how to accept and love myself, for me! These supports didn't remain with me because I moved across the Atlantic and lost touch with this wonderful group of women. Well, that's what I thought. But...I had relaxed about my "fat" and I now don't beat myself up about my size. Except for my mobility problems I would be totally happy as "me" iyswim!!!

I recently had an encounter in a shopping mall while on holidays. I found myself looking into a pillar which appeared to show me very slim (really good proportions) and I was transfixed! I remember commenting to my daughter that I could really get to like the "new" me. Jumping back into the real world I do not think I will ever attain that shape somehow. If I'm totally honest I waiver between not thinking about my size and wishing I could drop a few dress sizes!

I too have had WLS promoted by more than one of my doctors...telling me I would be an ideal candidate, blah, blah, blah. It scares me silly! It's so....so....final an act! But I have to say...on my bad days....it seems like WLS would be the "ideal fairy godmother gift"...absolute magic. So I do entertain dreams of a slimmer version of me, but reality kicks in and I really want to be totally happy as I am (I'm working on it...and reading posts on here too...you are all so open and honest....a safe place to let these things open up for discussion...thank you for that!).

I'm babbling on now so will call it a day! Hope you follow what I'm saying here...being fat does define who I am....and it's the only "me" I know!!! 

Jacquie x


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## Letiahna (Jun 4, 2007)

merseylass said:


> ...being fat does define who I am....and it's the only "me" I know!!!
> 
> Jacquie x



Hi Jacquie... do you really believe it *defines* you as opposed to *describes* you? Personally, I think we are all much _much_ more than fat...


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## ChubbyBlackSista (Jun 4, 2007)

Fat is a part of my identity that I'm not going to change because people should have to accept you for who you are I'm not going to kill myself for someone who doesn't accept me for who I am please


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## merseylass (Jun 5, 2007)

Hi Letihana.....You've got my thinking now! I looked up the word "define" and discovered a synonym for the same word is "describe"...so it would seem the words are interchangeable.

I think using the word "define" sounds more rigid, confining...if that's the way to explain it...and of course there is a lot more that makes me tick than the fact I'm fat! 

I would also want people to recognize and appreciate me because of ALL my attributes...including the fact I won't hide away or apologize for my fatness!
I'm who I am....fat or slim.

Does that compute with how you see it, Letihana?

Jacquie x


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## Letiahna (Jun 5, 2007)

merseylass said:


> Hi Letihana.....You've got my thinking now! I looked up the word "define" and discovered a synonym for the same word is "describe"...so it would seem the words are interchangeable.
> 
> I think using the word "define" sounds more rigid, confining...if that's the way to explain it...and of course there is a lot more that makes me tick than the fact I'm fat!
> 
> ...



Well, it could be because English is not my first language (technically, not my second either) but, to me, fat *describes* me "visually" but it does not *define* me as a human being. I am WAY much more than that. 

Yes, both can mean the same thing, but you do 'describe' someone physically and you're not supposed to 'define' them by their looks.

You can 'describe' someone accurately but 'define' someone is relative and not complete because so much is under the surface

Does that make sense?? Or am I just confusing myself? lmao


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## merseylass (Jun 5, 2007)

Hi again.... I think we are actually saying the same thing....there is a lot more to us than the fact we're fat...so yes, it's a description...but get past the fat and there's a lot more to make us "us".

I have a son who is gay and this is a similar point he makes....he doesn't mind being referred to or described as gay, but says there is a lot more that makes him who he is. It is only one aspect of his make-up....iyswim.

Jacquie x


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## kr7 (Jun 5, 2007)

Ruby Ripples said:


> ...........So many people came up and told me how great I looked, people who hadn't ever spoken to me before in the three years I had worked there (small private hospital). I was congratulated daily. I HATED it, really hated it. Before I lost that 45lbs I was exactly the same person with exactly the same style of clothes, hair, makeup, personality. I know I didn't change at all as a person other than to see the true shallowness in some people. Forty five pounds of fat on my body had made people disdain me to the extent they wouldn't even communicate with me, when I was only chubby.....



Yup! Ruby nailed it. That's pretty much my experience. I was chubby as a child, obese as a teen. At 250 lbs in high school, people treated me as if I had a highly contagious disease. Funny enough, when I went to college (where most girls gain weight), I lost a lot in just one year. I went to 143lbs, which might sound chubbyish, but at my height it was actually truly skinny ( I wore men's waist size 32" jeans, which meant that my hips were 32").

I have to say that I expected my life to change in some profound way because of my weight, but I found that the only difference was that suddenly I had all these beautiful people as friends and admirers (an actual honest to goodness clique!). It took me about 2 years to finally realize that the only reason these people were my "friends" was because I was "gorgeous" (their opinion, not mine). These were the kind of vicious a-holes that would tear apart one of their own friends if she/he gained 5lbs. (great bunch of people I found to hang with LOL!).

Anyway, one day, I finally woke up and realized that all those amazing things that were supposed to happen because I lost weight, didn't. I don't know if that's THE reason my weight crept back on, but eventually it did.

If God asked me if I wanted him to make me thin again, I would probably say yes, BUT only if it was in a healthful way, and not as thin as at that time back in college. The most important part would be the reason, it wouldn't be because I would expect my life to become perfect afterwards, it would be purely for health reasons.


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## Kiyera (Aug 24, 2008)

Looking back at my life so far, I've come to a realization that my weight is one of the things that I allow to be affected by the opinions of other people. I've always been overweight for a Chinese person and it was a topic of mild concern to doctors and parents. 

At the age of 15, I had my first relationship with a fellow who was incredibly committed to the act of bettering himself both physically and mentally. Highest grades in science, captain of the track team, president of the environmental club - I thought he was perfect. As a result, I couldn't help but notice and over-accentuate my own flaws. He was deeply into physical fitness and I somehow drew the conclusion that if I began to take interest in such things, it would endear me to him in some way. I went running everyday, went on a diet, threw up after "overindulging" and lost about 10 pounds but still didn't feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. I became jealous and controlling and secretly resented the fact that my efforts had gone unnoticed. That didn't change through the course of our two years together and we ended things the day high school was done.

I went to college and after four months, got involved in the most serious relationship that I've ever had (although that's not saying much seeing as I've only had two). After some time together, he revealed that he was into the concept of gaining weight himself and was attracted to people of a larger size. He then requested that I join him in this. I agreed and am currently at the heaviest I have ever been (163 pounds). Something distinctly different about this relationship is how my efforts are noticed. As a result, I like being this size because my partner appreciates it. I have always worried about my weight and I don't know how I'd feel about being this size if I didn't have a significant other to support me.

Although I am in a relationship with somebody who appreciates me at any size, I don't feel fully satisfied with myself, my weight and my identity. I don't have any kind of opinion as to what size I'd feel "right" for, nor do I feel that I am "destined" to be a certain size. While reading this thread, I came to the conclusion that many people have come to conclusions about their weight and how it fits into their identity, but I have yet to do so.


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## olwen (Aug 24, 2008)

Ruffie said:


> A very good guy friend of mine last night and I were having a conversation about weight. I had mentioned that over the last year I had lost a bit of weight and now am two sizes smaller on top and one size on the bottom(i don't own a scale so not sure how much I lost). I was frustrated about that cause most of the work I have done has been lower body, but being pear shaped I guess its natural to lose the weight that way. He said to me have you ever considered gastric bypass surgery? I said I hadn't for the following reasons. Number one the risks involved, number two the fact that in my province there is a 4 year waiting list and thirdly that I have always been fat and have no desire to be really thin. He said well how do you know if you have never tried it?
> And that got me to thinking. How many of us fat people identify alot of who we are with the weight we carry around with us? I have always been fat and think that to be thin might make me feel weird. Does anyone else feel this way?



I can't believe I missed this question before. It's a very good one too.

I used to think that if I just lost 300lbs that all my problems would be solved and I would be happier, and at the same time I was still sort of accepting my size and correcting all the idiotic stereotypes I came across in the process. It's kind of hard to try to do both. One day tho I realized that loosing weight would not solve all my problems, and that I would not be happier. It would only bring about a new set of problems. 

I also thought that I needed sexual attention from men to validate my size you know. But once I got it, I learned really quickly that this sort of validation was not the cure all I had expected it to be. It just brought on a new set of inner conflicts. I now know that the only validation I really need is from myself. My own opinion of myself matters more than some guy. If my own opinion of myself isn't high, than why should anyone else have a high opinion of me? Now that I know all that. After all the disappointments and lessons learned I think I have come to accept my size completely. I think I might freak out if I suddenly woke up skinny. I don't think anyone would want to see that. So being skinny is actually a really scary thought for me now and I can't even begin to imagine what I'd look like.


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## alison.victoria (Aug 24, 2008)

As someone who lost 100 pounds (and then gained it all back - thanks, emotional eating), I don't think that being fat has a lot to do with my identity. I was SOOOO much happier at 280, and I found that I got a lot more respected and I was no longer "the fat girl who we hang out with when everyone else is busy" in my group of friends and I was doing a lot more and getting out and living life. Granted, these things might have been because of my renewed self-confidence that made me want to get out and have fun, but I am definitely not afraid to be thin. I know that this post is probably going to get me vilified, but whatever. *shrugs*

So in a way, being fat kind of is part of my identity. I feel like I'm just the fat girl, and that's the role I was meant to play in life, which isn't a good thing. At 280, I was nowhere near small, but I felt a lot better than I did now.

I do, however, know some people who feel that being fat is a big part of their identity, and they're just fine with that. My cousin is one of them. She knows she's fat, she has no desire to change it, and she does what she has to to live a normal life and she's one of the happiest people I know. It's great, and I'm really glad for her.


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## dragorat (Aug 24, 2008)

*I've been big all my life even as a kid.All thru my life I've had people make remarks about my size.I've never really been down on my size.It's part of me & I'm happy to be me,I don't believe in diets or any kind of surgery,pills or miracle drugs.I believe we are all as we are meant to be.We are not all meant to be skinny or muscular.We are meant to who we are no matter our size.Size can help or hinder but it's up to us to decide which.Yes I'd say my personality is partially developed because of my size but there are many other factors that went into me being me.My family,my friends & many other things make me what I am today & what I will be in the future.*


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## DuskyJewel (Aug 25, 2008)

Great question! My identity has always been the "really smart, really fat Black chick". All three together!! 

How would I change if I were thinner? I would *like* to think I would be the same person, but so much of who I am and how I think are based on my past experiences and THOSE experiences were shaped by being fat in a fat-phobic society. Do I have a greater sense of compassions because I have been on the receiving end of nasty comments? Do I have more wisdom because I have had to bear the weight (so to speak) of mass societal criticism of my body size? Am I stronger because I have had to hold my head high in the face of nastiness? Quite possibly. Or it is possible I would be the same person thin and those qualities were gained in other ways.

All I know is that my size is intricately intertwined with my sense of identity and I don't know if I could separate it from the core of who I am. I have been okay with being fat, but now I am comfortable with BEING okay with being fat! Before I felt somewhat ashamed of my lack of desire to be thin. I felt as if I had to constantly let people know that I was working on my issue when inside I did not give a flying f***. 

I would miss my body and my "girls" if I were to lose a lot of weight. I would miss being "substantial" and having a large presence. So while I don't know how much fat has and does define me, I know what it means to me now.


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## katherine22 (Apr 25, 2009)

Twice in my life I have been extremely thin since this was the figure ideal of my husband. I worked really hard to weigh 120 lbs. hoping that he would be more attracted to me, and he wasn't. In retrospect, his lack of attraction for me had nothing to do with my weight. Several years ago I made a committment to no longer diet and see what would happen. I became fat and dressed to hide it which made me look very asexual and matronly. For thirty years I lifted weights at the gym ,and I decided that I was going to wear nice clothes. I remember the day when I allowed my arms to show and not wear jackets that hid my backside. Dressing to my form even though fat made me look so much more attractive then hiding in big clothes. To hide one's body is to feel such shame. I am liberated - I love my fat body and am confident, such a truly liberating feeling in that I feel that I have come home to myself. My regret is that I did not have this self-acceptance when I was young. I am perfect just the way I am and if anyone cannot share that opinion of me, he can leave the room.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 25, 2009)

katherine22 said:


> I am perfect just the way I am and if anyone cannot share that opinion of me, he can leave the room.



I have to give this a resounding Amen


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## agouderia (Apr 26, 2009)

Isn't fat identity for many of us almost a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Like many in this thread have recollected from their own experience: 
Western society has the unforgiving standard for adolescent girls that only really thin or petite is acceptable - girls and young women of a completely normal weight are labeled as "fat" - and thus often literally "grow" into this identity. Maybe because it seems inevitable anyway - and maybe because they never received a chance to find their own identity in an un-biased, objective environment.


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## TallFatSue (Apr 29, 2009)

I'm of two minds about this. Part of me thinks my fat is irrelevant, and that my weight shouldn't be an issue. I'm a woman and, thin or fat, I am what I am. 

On the other hand, methinx a lifetime of obesity has been a net positive. My fat has helped me think independently and creatively, and helped teach me what is and is not truly important in life. It is also very liberating because I tend to control most aspects of my life, but my fat represents a force of nature which defies control, and having a few hundred pounds of extra body fat helps me feel both wild and civilized. I also love feeling both big and powerful, yet soft and feminine. I can be both commanding and comforting, so I was blessed with some amazingly versatile fat. Or maybe I'm vain enough to think that my body has an impressive capacity for the production and storage of abundant, glorious feminine fat, and it looks damn good on me. Even if so much fat is heavy, awkward, bulky and so doggone jiggly, it also feels wonderful. 

So even though I'd like to think my weight is irrelevant, my fat is very much a big part of who I am. My fat has definitely made me a better person, so I'm proud to be a fat woman.


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## swamptoad (May 5, 2009)

Tina said:


> When I was younger I would have gotten rid of my fat in a heartbeat, and in any way possible, I didn't care. But as I've gotten older, and particularly as I came to love my body and that it is fat, I wouldn't trade for the world.
> 
> A fat woman is substantial. People notice for better or worse, so it gives one a chance to make a difference.
> 
> ...



Wow, I really like this post.


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## PunkPeach (May 5, 2009)

Well I have been on both sides of the scale so to speak, I have been painfully thin, and well at my current weight (which is fat and happy). I don't identify myself with the size of my jeans anymore. I think when I put too much focus on how much I weighed as saying it was me and a part of myself, I was unhappy. I had this constant battle trying to stay thin, thinking I was not good enough, or enough for anyone if I couldn't be that thin perfect version of myself. I look back on pictures from those years, my cheeks drawn in, my ribs showing...and not a smile to be seen. Somewhere along the line, with alot of help, I made the decision to stop classifying who I am by my weight, but instead by better features, I like my quirks, and imperfections, I pride myself in not judging people and being nice and helpful. Through the years the pounds packed on (I so love cake) but I am still me..not the pretty girl...or the thin girl...or the fat girl, I am me, the girl who is always smiling, likes to skip through Toys R Us, and never turns down a piece of cake.


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## RayanamiNGE (May 5, 2009)

PunkPeach said:


> . Through the years the pounds packed on (I so love cake) but I am still me..not the pretty girl...or the thin girl...or the fat girl, I am me, the girl who is always smiling, likes to skip through Toys R Us, and never turns down a piece of cake.



Peach, I love you, lol. But seriously, I agree with a lot of what you said. When I was younger I was very fit, due to martial arts, but I have gained a bit of weight (was 190, now 250) and don't think of myself as sad, or depressed. I wouldn't say I am super happy with my appearance either, because due to the recent increase or "Built guys" chasing bigger girls, the "Average" guys like me get tossed aside. 

In the end, I love to play in Toys R Us as well!! I could spend hours just messing around ^.^


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## edino (May 7, 2009)

I have gained from 175lbs to 570lbs in 17 years, I love the weight gain but I'm now at a cross road... I'm severly limited in what I can do phisically. I'm not able to control my intake well so now thinking of gastric bypass; something my GP has been advising for the past years. But the thing is I can not imagine being thin....


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## thatgirl08 (May 7, 2009)

Fat has always been a part of who I am and has helped to shape me into the person I am today but I still feel as though I would not have an issue adjusting to a thin body because although it is part of who I am, there is a lot more to who I am than that. I tend to identify less with what I am on the outside than what I am on the inside, personality, interests, etc. Even looking at physical things, I tend to identify more as a teenager, a typical female, etc. I feel as though if those things suddenly changed I'd have more of an issue adjusting because those are central to my idenity whereas fat is more like.. my hair color. I've almost always been a brunette but you know, I dyed my hair blonde a few times and it took some getting used to but I wasn't facing like, a major identity crisis over it or anything. 

I think if I were to suddenly attempt to cut any notions of feederism out of my life though, it'd be a lot more difficult. It's an innate part of who I am and would be there regardless of size.


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## katherine22 (May 7, 2009)

butch said:


> When I've thought about fat and identity, I've always thought that it would be great to say "I don't have a fat identity, I'm a person who happens to be fat" because I think the less labels we attach to ourselves, the better, since it is less likely we'll feel the need to divide ourselves into various groups that keeps people from truly feeling solidarity with each other as members of the human race.
> 
> But, the reality is, regardless of whether I claim a fat identity, society has already forced me to claim it. So, what to do? If I reject that label, then I let a fatphobic society define me to the public at large, and if I accept it, I help to perpetrate a system that at this point believes to be fat is a fate worse than death.
> 
> ...



Such a thoughtful post, Butch. As someone who has been very thin, chubby and now fat, contained within my self-acceptance is seeing the beauty in my fat body. When I was thin, I felt asexual and I felt like I was sick when I could feel my hip bones pressing against my mattress while in bed. I had a boyfriend who supposedly adored me, a FA. After 1 year he said, I cannot be with you since I am only attracted to women who weigh over 300 lbs and was hoping that you would gain weight to be with me. It was the opposite of my husband who could not be with me unless I weighed 110 lbs. I have decided that I am fat enough and woman enough.


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## kathynoon (May 7, 2009)

I have been fat most of my life. I have worked hard over the years to accept my size and to become a person who acheived my goals. A number of my friends came out of the size acceptance movement. I am comfortable going to fat fruiendly events.

In the past few years, I have been having pain in my knees. I have thought maybe I should lose weight. But then I think if I did, I might not be as comfortable in my life anymore. I've seen people lose weight and become holier than thou and turn against their fat friends. I would hate to be one of those people. And I've seen people who lost weight not feel accepted at the bashes anymore (though I know some of that was just in their mind). And I am used to FAs, how they respond to me, how they like to touch me and such. I would have to get used to a whole different type of man.

I realized that being fat is a major part of my identity. And I do not think I want to lose that.


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## TallFatSue (May 8, 2009)

kathynoon said:


> I have thought maybe I should lose weight. But then I think if I did, I might not be as comfortable in my life anymore. I've seen people lose weight and become holier than thou and turn against their fat friends. I would hate to be one of those people.


This made me think of my one-time "pal" Jennifer who gained a lot of weight and cozied up to me for a while, but then had WLS, lost the weight and lost interest in me.

Well 3 out of 4 ain't bad, as I think of some of the fat people in my life in the past few years. The 2nd fattest woman at my company was hired about 5 years ago partly on my recommendation. She seemed very capable, but some of the other managers didn't want to hire her because of her weight until I "weighed in" on her professional merits. She has turned out to be a productive addition to our company.

My first cousin once removed (daughter of a cousin) is the 2nd fattest woman in our extended family after me. She told me that growing up around me made a lot of difference in her life because she saw that I turned out just fine even with a few hundred pounds of extra body fat bouncing around. Her confidence really showed when she was married a couple years ago, and she and her husband are very happy together.

Much more recently, my niece (daughter of my brother and his fat-phobic wife) isn't fat but one of her new university friends is a SSBBW, and so is her friend's mother. Their family wants to get to know Art & me a lot better, and we're making quite a good impression on each other.

Well, methinx life might be more convenient if I weren't so fat, but it could hardly be more interesting and enjoyable, so my fat can stay right where it is, thank you very much. Methinx also the best form of fat activism is simply to set a good example.


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## GoldenDelicious (May 8, 2009)

This is a very interesting post. I personally don't identify as fat. I know other people would use fat as the first descriptive word they'd use to describe me. The thing is I have been different sizes, I've been average sized, fat, toned and athletic for a number of years in my mid 20's and now I'm fat again. To be honest I felt my physical best when I was more of the gym bunny however, even though I am fat now I still don't see that as my identity. I see my identity as so much more to me than just body size, fat thin, whatever it is not how I identify. I identify as a strong, opinionated, attractive, smart, compassionate and independent Scottish woman. I just happen to be fat.

I don't know why Scottish came to the forefront of my mind and therfore featured as my identity because I don't know what makes me feel particularly Scottish, I am not overly patriotic but I do identify as Scottish. There's a question? what makes you American, Canadian, English, Scottish etc? Is it a fondness for the place we grew up, patriotism, pride in your nationality? if so then why? Do you identify as American, Canadian, English etc more than fat or is fat identity stronger?


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## thatgirl08 (May 8, 2009)

GoldenDelicious said:


> I don't know why Scottish came to the forefront of my mind and therfore featured as my identity because I don't know what makes me feel particularly Scottish, I am not overly patriotic but I do identify as Scottish. There's a question? what makes you American, Canadian, English, Scottish etc? Is it a fondness for the place we grew up, patriotism, pride in your nationality? if so then why? Do you identify as American, Canadian, English etc more than fat or is fat identity stronger?



I don't particularly identify as American. I guess I'd say I'm "proud" to be an American in the sense that I'd rather be living here than a lot of other places but I wouldn't say it's central to my identity.


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## superodalisque (May 8, 2009)

i've never identified myself by my weight per say. i've always enjoyed it very much though. i like that it makes me the unexpected in a lot of situations. i feel the same about being african american too and i wouldn't change it for anything purposefully because i like being sort of unique in any aspect. i like that those things bring me experiences unique to that identity. i find blending in to be boring and sad. so being fat suits me very well. i just always say i'm felecia and thats it though. 

i like exploring all sides of who i am. fat just happens to be one of those things. i never really thought about it much until i turned about 40 and sort of woke up to the fact that a lot of people feel really different being fat and they are uncomfortable with that. but i quess i never made a big deal of it in negative terms and neither have most people i know. just a few jerks here and there. but i seem to have always recognized that a negative person will be negative about anything they see that they think you might be sensitive about. 

lately i have inadvertantly lost some weight because i've had to exercise more to recover from an operation. i think the meds also affected my appetite. i miss the weight. i miss how it feels and looks. but at this point in my life i have to put other things first since being fatter now would be a luxury i can't afford. one aspect i love the most about being fat is being healthily fat and to be able to walk with strength and pride. i never realized how important being able to walk that way, a bit cocky, was to me until i lost that ability. there is something really nice about being able to show your strength, health and confidence as a fat woman thats very enjoyable. it makes me realize that i have taken my fat identity for granted and that maybe i should enjoy it and pay attention to it more just in case it slips away somehow. i know i'll still like who i am and rely on other things about myself that i like. but, its good to appreciate something while you have it.


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## GoldenDelicious (May 8, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i've never identified myself by my weight per say. i've always enjoyed it very much though. i like that it makes me the unexpected in a lot of situations. i feel the same about being african american too and i wouldn't change it for anything purposefully because i like being sort of unique in any aspect. i like that those things bring me experiences unique to that identity. i find blending in to be boring and sad. so being fat suits me very well. i just always say i'm felecia and thats it though.
> 
> i like exploring all sides of who i am. fat just happens to be one of those things. i never really thought about it much until i turned about 40 and sort of woke up to the fact that a lot of people feel really different being fat and they are uncomfortable with that. but i quess i never made a big deal of it in negative terms and neither have most people i know. just a few jerks here and there. but i seem to have always recognized that a negative person will be negative about anything they see that they think you might be sensitive about.
> 
> lately i have inadvertantly lost some weight because i've had to exercise more to recover from an operation. i think the meds also affected my appetite. i miss the weight. i miss how it feels and looks. but at this point in my life i have to put other things first since being fatter now would be a luxury i can't afford. one aspect i love the most about being fat is being healthily fat and to be able to walk with strength and pride. i never realized how important being able to walk that way, a bit cocky, was to me until i lost that ability. there is something really nice about being able to show your strength, health and confidence as a fat woman thats very enjoyable. it makes me realize that i have taken my fat identity for granted and that maybe i should enjoy it and pay attention to it more just in case it slips away somehow. i know i'll still like who i am and rely on other things about myself that i like. but, its good to appreciate something while you have it.


very interesting reply, wishing you continued good health x


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## TallFatSue (May 30, 2009)

TallFatSue said:


> This made me think of my one-time "pal" Jennifer who gained a lot of weight and cozied up to me for a while, but then had WLS, lost the weight and lost interest in me.


Well, I heard some interesting news today. Jennifer and her husband are getting a divorce. I know he was none too pleased about her massive weight gain while they were married, and he was probably the prime instigator of her opting for WLS. They had other issues as well, because whenever we went out with them, they were always needling each other. Apparently now that she's slim and trim, she decided to lose even more weight: him.


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## GoldenDelicious (May 31, 2009)

TallFatSue said:


> Well, I heard some interesting news today. Jennifer and her husband are getting a divorce. I know he was none too pleased about her massive weight gain while they were married, and he was probably the prime instigator of her opting for WLS. They had other issues as well, because whenever we went out with them, they were always needling each other. Apparently now that she's slim and trim, she decided to lose even more weight: him.


I don't mean anything by this Sue, but I don't understand why this is relevant to this thread? Is your pal Jennifer on dims? I'm not quite sure where you were going with this, did Jennifer identify as fat and then had the surgery to please her ex? Did she opt for weight loss surgery because she didn't want to lose him? I would have thought that she must have wanted to lose weight herself. Is this relating to the identity thread or has a particular post reminded you of your friend Jennifer?

GD x


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## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 2, 2009)

I was an thin/average child up until puberty, then I began to get chubby. While in high school, I thought I was H-U-G-E. I look back now and clearly recall being weighed for gym class and having the teacher loudly say "160" and recording it. I was mortified because in my mind, I was gigantic. At this point in my life, I'd KILL to weight 160. Currently I'm approximately 252, give or take a few pounds. Quite frankly, I'd settle for somewhere around 175 to 180. I know my limits and I know I'm over them. I get to a point where I am physically uncomfortable, and I'm past that point. It's up to me to do something about that, but that's another topic.

I personally don't care for being defined by, or liked for, the size that I am. I am a person, and much prefer to be judged for who I am and the life that I lead, rather than by my size. Until a few years ago, I hated being fat. Absolutely hated it. Then I met my first FA and knowing that there are men out there that actually LIKE women who are fat... wow... that blew my mind and changed how I felt about myself. I've met a number of men since then that are either declared or undelared FA's and it's been great. Knowing that I am desireable at the size I am, is wonderful... but.... IN MY OPINION, it has its draw backs. 

I know of three FA's that I am good friends with and have had relationships with... and all have strongly pressured me to gain. I have explained NUMEROUS times that I have no desire and no interest in gaining... but the pressure continues. I am NOT currently involved physically with any of the three of them... I have a boyfriend who likes me just the way I am.... but I still get emails and texts from the other three... still pushing and pressuring to eat and gain. I honestly... hate it. I can't just be friends with these guys and talk about normal, everyday stuff... it has to be about food, gaining, how big I am, and how much they'd love it if I were bigger. I have deliberately pulled back on my friendships with them because of the pressure. 

They are also WELL aware that I am dating someone and have no interest in getting involved with them again... but they don't seem to care too much about those facts either, as I get lots of pressure in that area too. It must be a guy thing. LOL 

I guess the point of my post is that I am a smart, strong, independent, funny, attractive, responsible, caring, loving adult woman.... who... just happens to be overweight. Being fat is NOT who I am.... it does NOT define the person that I am, nor the life that I lead... in my opinion, it is a very minor part of my life. And I like it that way.

If others choose to see their size differently, that's their choice. More power to them.

:bow:


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## blueeyedevie (Aug 4, 2009)

> And that got me to thinking. How many of us fat people identify alot of who we are with the weight we carry around with us? I have always been fat and think that to be thin might make me feel weird. Does anyone else feel this way?



What thought provoking words. Well it is no secret I have been dieting. I have gone form 655 to 499, in two year. Like you I would never think of wls. I have been very jealous over friends that have had wls and lost their weight so much faster, and when you are ever so slowly loosing it sometimes gets frustrating. That being said, I am not loosing weight because I have this crippling desire to be skinny. I want to loose enough weight where, my health improves, I can have a baby safely, run daily errons by myself, and not feel exhausted walking short distances. I do identify with being fat. Who would I be if I was thin? I have always been the beautiful fat girl (so I am told) but if I was to get thin, I would then be, the needing a lot of surgeries just to look normal girl. I don't just identify with being fat, there is other things that make me.I also identify with being super feminine. I recently had a argument, telling someone that when they took my femininity form me I didn't feel like a beautiful women anymore. In todays world, because we are fat, I feel people looked at us/ me with certain ways "stereotyping me". For me, my extra femininity was a way to help block what others were typing me as, or at least that was my hope. Even though I have lost 156 pounds I still see and feel my heaviest. I have yet to understand that I am loosing weight. I identify with being fat, I am comfortable in saying I am fat. I always wonder if I will ever see myself at a lesser weight are will I always see my self at my heaviest. I am actually nervous and torn between loosing because ( and I suppose this would be another tread) but I don't want my FA to loose interest.


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## LonesomeKreature (Aug 5, 2009)

We are defined by our bodies. That's just how it is. Apple, pear, and hourglass shapes and (for some) the actual number of their weight defines us. If you're going to do anything involved with changing your body and body image, do it in a healthy way like walking, swimming or something. I feel that young women and even some older women shouldn't look to surgery. I feel like people see that as a quick fix when in reality there is a waiting list and then there's all these different changes with the surgery.


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## StarWitness (Aug 5, 2009)

Being a person of size is definitely part of my identity; however, not one I want to be defined by. I hate the thought that I'm being dismissed (or fetishized) because I'm seen as a fat girl.

My size is an intersection of other parts of my identity: I'm a hedonist and a foodee, so I consume based on pleasure over health more than I "should." I'm a geek, and a lot of my geeky pursuits are sedentary in nature. Even my shape and frame, as much as I complain, are markers of the family I belong to. And that unwillingness to make myself constantly miserable in the name of conforming to mainstream beauty ideals is pure feminist contrariness.

I have pretty significant body image and self-esteem issues, but at the core of that hot mess is a kernel of wanting to embrace having a physical presence that is, on at least one level, transgressive. Even when I think about losing weight, I never want to be thin, or even average; just a bit more in shape and healthier. Shit, I don't even like to think of it as "dieting" or "losing weight," because my goal (as inconsistent as I am with sticking to it) is to cultivate healthier habits, and have a wider range of clothing options-- but when I'm really honest with myself, I do not want to give up being fat.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 5, 2009)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> I guess the point of my post is that I am a smart, strong, independent, funny, attractive, responsible, caring, loving adult woman.... who... just happens to be overweight. Being fat is NOT who I am.... it does NOT define the person that I am, nor the life that I lead... in my opinion, it is a very minor part of my life. And I like it that way.



I like this post  :bow:


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## Friday (Aug 8, 2009)

My size does not define me any more than the facts that I am short, female, white and extremely nearsighted. Those things may shape others perceptions of me but if those perceptions are negative that's their problem. I don't think that I could be in a romantic relationship with someone who had told me that they wouldn't like me as well if I lost weight. People change, that is the one unchangeable thing in life so to insist that someone remain the same is unreasonable and certainly not the behavior of someone that loves you as a person. I definitely could not continue to be friends with someone that continued to push me to do something I had clearly stated I was no longer interested in regardless of whether it was losing weight, gaining weight, taking drugs or any other thing I've ever walked away from friendships over. I yam what I yam. Hopefully the inside will continue to grow. The outside is subject to change without notice.


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## 1love_emily (Apr 10, 2011)

I don't let my fatness define me. But when people offer me the idea that being skinny will enhance my life for reasons A B and C, I often don't really want to consider being anything different. I figure, I've made it through these years being overweight, fat, tubby, whatever the hell the grade-school insults were thrown at me, and I think I've turned out okay. I've had experiences like love, loss, fear, hatred, excitement, etc... I don't really think I need to loose weight to experience life. 

Plus, if I had been skinny, or I become skinny, who knows what will happen? I want to remain how I am now because it has gotten me where I am today - which is in a very good spot.. I'm off to a music camp, a music university, I've got good grades, great friends, and wonderful opportunity.


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## Pitch (May 14, 2011)

You know, I would like to say "my fat doesn't define me", but I think it does in a certain way. I honestly feel if I had never started gaining weight once I hit puberty; I would have been: vapid, self absorbed, codependent, defining myself through the image other people saw and etc. You get the point. It may or may not be true, but I am very slightly vain (occasionally) at the moment...I cannot imagine what I would be like with so many men and women feeding my ego. 

I think (don't crucify me) that being "invisible" or revolting to the majority of the populace has kept me in check to some degree. I'm not happy with my size, but I am also of the mindset that I wouldn't be if I were 125 pounds, either. I go back and forth on this issue. I'll say frankly that though I am body shy and still have a lot to go with accepting my body, my friends tend to think of me as a "Lovably arrogant bastard". Exact words, btw.

I realized recently that the main reason I was so recently desperate to lose weight was to gain *power*. I had a frank and pure bitterness for how men treated me due to size and I kind of wanted to be smaller to make them suffer for slighting me. I know this is all kind of gross, but it's the truth. This was my basic reasoning aside from wanting to wear fashionable things and be "comfortable"...whatever that means.

I'm now of the mindset that I must accept who I am and not live up to the moniker of "Tyrant" tattooed on the back of my neck. >.>

So, I think being fat let me have my interest in art. It let me have my love of sci-fi, let me love physics and cosmology, gave me literature,my shameless freedom from neediness, my willingness to speak up when I want or need to, my lack of codependency when everyone else I know (mostly thin)just HAS to have someone, my dedication to art and not being shallow. More than a pretty face, etc, etc.

Sorry if this made anyone go "Ew, Jesus...what a terrible person", but I'm just being honest. 3:


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## hiddenexposure (May 22, 2011)

Pitch said:


> You know, I would like to say "my fat doesn't define me", but I think it does in a certain way. I honestly feel if I had never started gaining weight once I hit puberty; I would have been: vapid, self absorbed, codependent, defining myself through the image other people saw and etc. You get the point. It may or may not be true, but I am very slightly vain (occasionally) at the moment...I cannot imagine what I would be like with so many men and women feeding my ego.
> 
> I think (don't crucify me) that being "invisible" or revolting to the majority of the populace has kept me in check to some degree. I'm not happy with my size, but I am also of the mindset that I wouldn't be if I were 125 pounds, either. I go back and forth on this issue. I'll say frankly that though I am body shy and still have a lot to go with accepting my body, my friends tend to think of me as a "Lovably arrogant bastard". Exact words, btw.
> 
> ...



man! you are in my head! i have been having the same thoughts over the years.


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## lollipops708 (Jun 21, 2011)

Well

I come from a family of bigger people, and was that way up untill 2 years ago when my mother who was at her largest of 250 at 5'1 had the gastric bypass surgery (she now weighs 125 and wants to be smaller!) and following her shortly after was my older brother who was also at his biggest weight of 380 at 5'10(and he now weighs a whopping 160 and is now training for a 5k run which he never thought was possible)and what was once a fat family now consists of two athletic people and one fat.

So like your friend my family has started pressuring me to go the same route, to eat differently and be more active and look into getting the surgery done. and while there is an overwhelming temptation to do so, I agree with you i think my size has made me the woman i am, all of my maloe friends constantly say that if i had come out a skinny girl I would have never become the great woman that i am today.


No offence to the skinnier women among us but i believe thicker women have better characters and personalities. because while we are smart, beautiful and talented we have to work to get our beauty, talent and intelligence recognised.

so who knows really.. i guess its how they say the grass is always greener on the other side. either way you fat or skinny lose or gain somthing. :eat1:


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## TexasTrouble (Jun 21, 2011)

I'm a newbie here, but I was just thinking about this the other day. I've been fat my whole life (since a toddler) and, at my smallest, I was still a pretty big girl but very physically active. I'm trying to get back to that stage because I loved having a ton of energy. 
I think being fat has helped shaped my personality and how I interact with people, particularly men because of a lot of bad experiences growing up. I'm working my way through this (the only way out is through!), but it can be tough sometimes.
One thing I'm very grateful for (really, truly) is that it's helped me become more compassionate toward people who are "different." Growing up in a VERY small, conservative Southern town, anyone who was the slightest bit different was a target. The message was that "good" people were thin, white, Christian, conservative, etc. and at a very young age I remember thinking, "No, you're not. You're horrible. You treat other people like dirt. I don't care if you can check off all the 'good people' boxes, how you treat people matters more." I think this really opened my mind and helped me make a really diverse set of friends with really amazing hearts. I think if I hadn't been an outsider bc of my weight, I may have never challenged that prevailing attitude (or it may have happened later). So that has been the greatest gift being larger has given me. (Cue corny, inspirational music ).


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## Tania (Jun 21, 2011)

My shape is a huge part of my physical identity, but the fat itself...not so much. 

Lots of people might contend that a person's core self is - or should be considered - essentially abstract, and that physical attributes are transient and incidental and thereby fundamentally unimportant. Appearances may be fluid, but to me, being brunette and pear-shaped is as much a part of "me" as the fact that I squeal when I see a kitty and respond positively to the color pink. At some point, it's impossible to separate what I look like and how my body affects my daily life from my character and personality. My inner self is shaped and bound by external factors and the abilities and limitations of my body, just as my outer self is often an expression, a physical manifestation, of who I am inside.


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## lozonloz (Jun 21, 2011)

I feel that my fat is a big part of my identity. the smallest I have ever been as an adult is a UK size 14 after a powder only food replacement diet got me down from a size 26 in about 6-8 months. I really, truly, hated it and felt uncomfortable. I'd be walking around going "I have no boobs, I have no butt, and yeah I have no real belly but I have no SHAPE." I've never felt less feminine. I associate femininity heavily with curves- I just wanted to hide my body.

My issues with my size are that others have issues with it, that I'd like to have a wider clothes selection, not worry about breaking chairs or being able to sit in aeroplane seats, go to a gym and get fitter without being stared at like a leper. Widen my dating pool. And I worry about getting diabetes, which is why I'm trying to eat healthier. My big issues with being fat and it making me feel bad stem from others making me feel bad about it to shame me into changing.

But I am a fat woman. I like being a fat woman. And it's.. it's just me, who I am and who I feel comfortable being. And as a smaller girl, I personally have never had anyone look at me the way a smitten guy looks at me as a heavier girl. Like you're a goddess. It's...just...an...AWESOME feeling. I never got that as a size 14. I never felt that sexy. 

My big fat sexy ass is part of my identity. My body is a part of who I am.


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## prettyeyes77 (Aug 28, 2011)

I sometimes worry that if I lose allot of weight that my face will look funny, like because I have large eyes, lips, nose, that they would look massive on a smaller head. But as for it changing me as a person more than just aesthetically, at this point, I dont think it would. The thing I hate most about my size is being stared at, all I can think are that they are thinking all these horrible things about me; you know all the she must eat a ton, she must be so lazy, stuff. But even if I lost weight I would still get stared at a bit, people just look at other people and assess them, good, bad, indifferent youre going to be judged no matter what. And If I slimed down and all the sudden all these people who couldnt be bothered to speak with me as a fatty suddenly wanted to be my friend I would think, Im the same, same mind, same heart, same damn girl so why would the Barbie version of me be more worthy of respect and adoration?! And why the hell would I want to be friends with people who cant see past the nose on their own face! Nope I am ME, slim or fat, Id still be too sarcastic for some, to quiet for other and to ME for the general public. *shrug* Having said that, I am still working on my self-loathing issues but for me those are pretty separate from my "who am I" issues. kinda, maybe...


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## katherine22 (Aug 30, 2011)

[So, I try to reclaim what fat means for myself and others, and hope that for those of us who do this, eventually the word fat will cease to be such a powerful tool of negativity for our culture. 

With that being said, I have a very strong belief in my own 'fat identity' because I enjoy lots of things about being fat, and I am attracted to other fat people. I don't know how else to sustain these beliefs without having a central 'fat identity.' In fact, out of all the different identities I could claim, I think I claim fat before all others except maybe for my racial identity, but I don't have nearly as many pleasant associations with my racial identity as I do my bodily identity.[/QUOTE]


One quarter of my life I was thin in my twenties and in my forties. I struggled to be thin and when I look at old photographs of myself, I do not think I look well thin. My face looks drawn and longer. Being fat brings some roundness to my face which is attractive at my age. I like my body's roundness, and at times I look like a Renoir woman since he liked red headed women who were round. I love my body and my only regret is that I didn't understand its beauty when I was younger.


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## wtchmel (Sep 4, 2011)

Hmmmm.... (first i haven't read thru the whole thread,my habit before posting,lol) i have to say at this stage of my life (and the last 17 years +) i have identified with my fat self in the fact that while being fat, i have "found myself" so to speak. I'm the most confident i've ever been, People don't fuck with me at all(love that intimidation factor) and i've just loved my body for the first time in my life these past years. Now.... If i were thin, i'm not sure how it would go, identity wise. In the past, when I was thinner, i was massively insecure, 'looks' focused to the extreme, hated my life, and put my life on hold till i could 'just get thinner'. Everything rested on, "if i could just be skinny-er". 
If i were thin now, who knows....... strange to think about , as i haven't allowed that type of thinking in for so long, for self preservation almost.
Shit, rambling again,lol.....


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