# Wookin' Pa Nub in all da wong paces: Advice to BHMs on finding love, from a BHM



## Zagnut (Nov 16, 2006)

Recently, I've read a couple threads that echoed the intense frustration that many BHMs have about finding loving relationships with women. Some BHMs made statements that could be construed as passive-aggressive at best and self-martyring at worst. There we're angry opinions and expressions on both sides, and it seemed far too many feelings got hurt.

Why?

Most of you don't know me at all, and a couple may have a hint of who I am. I've been lurking around Dimensions, posting and reading for years now. I've posted in the past with the same negative sentiments that some BHMs have shared recently, and all along. This dead horse is still quite beaten.

To give the Reader's Digest version of who I am, well, I'll even make it shorter. I'm a lifelong BHM, a geek turned athlete (think football and hurling large things), turned again geek, who gained a lot after high school. I had zero luck with women, never having even a second date until the last few years. I lost my virginity to a street walker, and my earliest sexual encounters were confusing, costly and left me with the need to shower off the shame. I was used by women -- who themselves were often abused in their past and chose me as their "revenge" against male humanity. Every girlfriend I had ever had cheated on me, lied to me, used me and/or betrayed me. Name it, and I probably endured it.

I was the stereo-typical nice guy -- a doormat. I wasn't strong, trying too hard to please. I was insecure, confused and lost. I was an injured, screaming animals with predators circling in. I blamed everyone else. I blamed the women who claimed I was their best friend but never their lover. I blamed thin people, marketing campaigns and jerks for all of it. I went years without being touched and nearly lost my mind. I held the razor blade against my wrist trying to build the near to end it all.

But something changed ... me!

I channeled my focus into other things, and not my being alone. I went out and would dance alone without apology. I read, geeked out and kept to my own. I accepted that ultimately I was responsible for my own happiness and made amends to my life. I stopped blaming others and I just went out and tried to have fun.

Guess what campers, I started to date. Granted it's a jungle out there for the dimensionally-gifted, but I wasn't looking for true love, just someone to hang out with, eat the occasional meal with and such. I'd used my time alone to study about sexuality, fetish, BDSM and the like, and learned ways to be a good lover -- even without the practice. When after four years of being involuntarily celibate offered a chance to end, I rose to the occasion. Though against my nature, I made the first move and kissed her, long and well. I chose to be strong, sexual and able. I was a man. I channeled all my pent up desires into pleasing this woman, finding my need to be touched relieved at last. She quickly became my willing slave and I her masterful lover. I loved her well and for many months.

In time it became clear to me that we weren't going to work out. I broke things off and I dated more. I took a couple lovers and continued to live within my strength with them. Most importantly I was a man and not a victim. I never hurt anyone, nor would I. I treated every woman I loved with respect, tenderness and generosity, and I loved her like I'd never been hurt, but I didn't put her on a pedestal from which she couldn't exist. Every woman is a mystery, a goddess and a blessing to behold, but they are also all too human, just like you and I.

In time I found my love, my beauty -- my fiance. I have been with her every day since and I love her passionately. She make me happy, loves me for who I am and is the best lover I've ever had. We are equals in all ways, but she is mine in the bedroom and in my heart (as is her wish). I am her man, not that wounded animal long ago.

Gentlemen, you are masters of sensuality. Who but a BHM would truly know how to love a woman with all of his senses. Yes, women have preferences and are attracted to different kinds of men, but most will respond to a man who is a man, not a wimp. Complaining on the Internet will not remedy loneliness. Get out there. Post honest ads and reply on personal forums. Go dancing. Talk to that cute girl reading in the book store (but leave the one behind the counter alone, she's paid to be friendly and helpful). Be confident, be honest, be brave -- if necessary fake and feign your nerve until it becomes real, but get out there and love as many women as you can and show them that the Abercrombie and Fitch boys may look good, but nothing will feel as good to them and being held in your arms lovingly all night.

And to all the lovely ladies, BBW, FFA, etc, that are reading this -- thank you!


----------



## Blondeegrldd (Nov 16, 2006)

What an awesome story, Z. It nearly brought me to tears!

You couldn't have hit the nail on the head any harder when you said, "Yes, women have preferences and are attracted to different kinds of men, but most will respond to a man who is a man, not a wimp." 

Congrats to you and your fiance.


----------



## Kiki (Nov 16, 2006)

Beautifully put. :bow:


----------



## love dubh (Nov 16, 2006)

Fantastic!

Zag, your piece really explored the need, no, the necessity!, for men to explore their sexuality in more diverse ways. To understand their bodies, their lives, and their entire beings. You just wrote a very spiritual piece, I think, urging men to stop thinking with only their dicks and their pains, and really delve into themselves in order to nurture and create a beautiful human being. 

Feminists have been urging women to do such things for the past few decades, but I fear that the men have gotten the short end of the stick in that department. 

You showed your transformation from a timid, insecure and angry man into a compassionate, comprehending man. It was articulate and beautiful. You've mastered yourself, dissolved your hatred of women, and created a relationship that satisfies your and your partner's needs of equality, but also for domination and subordination. 

 Bravo!


----------



## lucyp (Nov 17, 2006)

*Gives you a standing ovation.*

Everything you said, right on! Awesome. Yeah. Like that. :wubu:


----------



## KnottyOne (Nov 17, 2006)

dude... you are fucking awsome, i applaud you. The world really needs more people like you.


----------



## Zagnut (Nov 17, 2006)

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I spent far too many years alone feeling sorry for myself, and I'd hate for anyone else to go through the same.

I was asked in a private message if I'd ever considered teaching classes or workshops for men on sexuality. While I've written many an online article about things such as woman-focused sexuality, bdsm philosophy and even the odd post about tantrik and taoist sexuality, I've never thought much about teaching a class per se. It's an interesting thought, but I think most men who would want or need this would be best served by learning more about the philosophies of being a good lover and mate, and then learning hands on, if you will forgive my pun.

Every woman is different. What will light the fire of one woman may chill another. I believe what makes a good lover is the desire explore a woman's body, to find all of *her* own erogenous areas, and to learn how to stimulate and fulfill her based on it. Do this, and in time it will be you who she looks back on and remembers when she is longing.


----------



## AZ_Wolf (Nov 17, 2006)

However, not all of us are wimps, afraid of our own shadows, or afraid to ask women out on dates. Just like some of us haven't been overweight all our lives.

Sometimes it's just a matter of having married/coupled friends and not being in dating circulation in the face-to-face world. And meeting anyone online is a rarity because most people either want someone in their backyard, or are too afraid to open up (speaking about FFAs here).

But for some your advice is good. Glad you posted and also glad you've found what you're looking for.


----------



## Zagnut (Nov 17, 2006)

AZ_Wolf said:


> However, not all of us are wimps, afraid of our own shadows, or afraid to ask women out on dates. Just like some of us haven't been overweight all our lives.
> 
> Sometimes it's just a matter of having married/coupled friends and not being in dating circulation in the face-to-face world. And meeting anyone online is a rarity because most people either want someone in their backyard, or are too afraid to open up (speaking about FFAs here).
> 
> But for some your advice is good. Glad you posted and also glad you've found what you're looking for.



I never claimed any BHM here is a wimp or are afraid specifically, but rather stated that most women aren't looking for men who are that way. Guys here complaining about it aren't going to solve it unless they step up and make a change themselves. If that notion was conveyed by my words, I duly apologize.

Dating isn't easy. For a bigger man, approaching woman can be daunting. Unless you live in a small town populated by men only there are always options. I've met people online and in real life. I guy need only try.

And why should FFAs have to open up, when the BHM is the one in need. Not all women so inclined as to date a big man are going to claim that label. Some women have only to meet one strong and secure BHM to realize that we aren't the stereotypical stumbling-bum, but rather the man that will rock their world.

I'm wondering if I need to post up a BHM dating guide, heh!


----------



## lemmink (Nov 21, 2006)

You are awesome. That's fantastic. Well freaking done you!  It's even better that you posted it too - I don't think a lot of folks will listen to an FFA's opinion and experiences about this kind of thing. This is just so empowering and awesometastic that I've had to make up a new word just to cover it.

And please, do write a BHM dating guide. I have a feeling that a lot of guys could really benefit from that kind of thing.


----------



## Zagnut (Nov 21, 2006)

lemmink said:


> You are awesome. That's fantastic. Well freaking done you!  It's even better that you posted it too - I don't think a lot of folks will listen to an FFA's opinion and experiences about this kind of thing. This is just so empowering and awesometastic that I've had to make up a new word just to cover it.
> 
> And please, do write a BHM dating guide. I have a feeling that a lot of guys could really benefit from that kind of thing.



Thank you so much. I love the word though hardly think my post merits its own neologism

I will write that dating guide and post it within a few days.


----------



## missaf (Nov 25, 2006)

The biggest attraction for me (pun intended!), is the self confidence and the way a big man carries himself. If he walks with a certain sway, holds his head high and isn't afraid to laugh, be seen in public, and lets me admire him, I'll practically fall head over heels. His size should be a literal psychological part of him that isn't a hindrance, but a piece of his soul to me. 

If he's got that confidence, and size, I'm done for :wubu:


----------



## mcor (Nov 27, 2006)

A handful of men I've known come to mind when I read this and I'm going to get as many of them as possible to read this! I think hearing it from another man and knowing they aren't *alone* in their struggles would make such a difference. Sometimes the words of chick *friends* only go so far... Awesome post!!!!!


----------



## Jay West Coast (Nov 27, 2006)

Dude, that was really well-written and wonderfully wise. I think as much as this is totally applicable to BHM, there are tonnes of guys who lack self-confidence for a variety of reasons who should read this. It's incredible to read a story like this, what an incredible tale of maturation, depth and delight. 

Thanks for sharing it, inspirational to read! 


Jay


----------



## Tina (Nov 27, 2006)

Zagnut (yummy, by the way...), I think your experience could apply to both men and women. What a mature, well-written, wise piece of advice. As you have so articulately shown, personal change is possible, as is finding love, both of oneself and others. Wonderful.


----------



## Zagnut (Dec 1, 2006)

Tina said:


> Zagnut (yummy, by the way...), I think your experience could apply to both men and women. What a mature, well-written, wise piece of advice. As you have so articulately shown, personal change is possible, as is finding love, both of oneself and others. Wonderful.



The funny thing is that I've never had a Zagnut bar ... I've just always remembered the scene in Beetlejuice with one, and I thought the name was comical. I've used Zagnut a couple times online as an anonymous nickname. I must say that it does sound tasty!

Thank you for kind words. I'm just here to offer hope and help if I can!


----------



## PrettyKitty (Dec 3, 2006)

Wow, that was a nice read. I am glad that you found the love of your life.


----------



## Scrubbed_In (Apr 11, 2007)

Zagnut, 

How masterfully put. Like you, and many others, I had early life experiences that travelled with me all too long and have stunted my social development with the opposite sex. I did indeed mature and bloom during college and now in graduate school I continue to reinforce the changes I've made to get rid of those faulty cognitions of being alone forever or settling for whoever would settle for me. We all "wook pa nub" (I love that Eddie Murphy sketch!) in wrong places. I see it as learning experiences we learn and grow from. My search continues on and reading about someone like yourself further renews my faith. I know that one day my winding journey will turn striaght once I find "the one." Until then I'll enjoy every twist and curve in the road. Thank you for sharing your story with us all. And congratulations on your engagement!


----------



## chickadee (Apr 13, 2007)

Great post. A few months ago a BHM friend of mine was complaining about how he looked. I told him that he shouldn't, that he should be proud of who he is and hold his head high because that is what women like to see- some confidence and honesty. 

I am glad that you have met your fiancee and found happiness.


----------



## Wanderer (Apr 14, 2007)

Zagnut said:


> The funny thing is that I've never had a Zagnut bar ... I've just always remembered the scene in Beetlejuice with one, and I thought the name was comical. I've used Zagnut a couple times online as an anonymous nickname. I must say that it does sound tasty!



It should... according to the Hershey company's website, it's a peanut butter bar covered in toasted coconut (nutty but nice), and thus one of their few non-chocolate candy bars. It was originally launched in 1930 by the D.L. Clark company (originators of the Clark Bar).


----------



## imfree (Apr 14, 2007)

Great post, Zagnut! I'm living a lot of that truth, but still learning
in the area of being complete in my self. GOD knows, the WORST thing
a person can do is to be consumed by thoughts of not being complete
until one's soul mate has found!


----------

