# Fat tub of lard... a compliment



## kayrae (Oct 25, 2009)

So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat. 

Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.

What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?


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## Brenda (Oct 25, 2009)

It is not a compliment if it is offensive. The person saying this is socially retarded.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Oct 25, 2009)

Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk..


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## BigBeautifulMe (Oct 25, 2009)

I've definitely experienced this, kay, and it is NOT a good feeling.  What I love even more is when you react negatively to a "compliment" like that and they say you must have low self-esteem. Are you KIDDING me?  Just because I enjoy my sexy fat body does not mean you get free reign to call me those things stupid children called me on the playground in elementary school. If it's an insult there, unless you KNOW it's something I'm okay with (like being called fattie... for me, that's fine and fun, but for others it isn't), err on the side of NOT using it until you hear me say it, or ASK how I feel about certain terms when we're not in the heat of the moment. And just for the record... tub o' lard is on the permanently NOT okay list for me. 

I should also say... I actually *enjoy* being talked to about how fat/soft/squishy I am when I'm being romantic with someone... so offending me is probably even harder than offending many.


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## sweet&fat (Oct 25, 2009)

In this situation, just like any other, you make your opinion known. The first time he does it and you bristle, let him know how you feel, kindly. If he keeps calling you that and you hate it, then that's a serious red flag. 

If he respects you, he'll respect how you feel. If not, buh-bye.

IMO there's a world of difference between descriptive praise of a fat body and "tub of lard" which is obviously a term born of teasing, humiliation, and taboo. Makes me cringe. It's your absolute right not to hear the latter if that's not what you're into.


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## olwen (Oct 25, 2009)

Kayrae, yep, I wouldn't be surprised if a good number of us said we've been thru that with some word/phrase or another. With me it was "Piggy." In both english and french.  It's one thing to discuss those words with you before hand but to pull em out during the middle of sex or making out or whatever is another thing entirely. Def not cool.


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## Jasminium (Oct 25, 2009)

Honestly I wouldn't really hang around to discuss it. Either he's playing some sort of game or he's a moron. Either way he be seeing my coat tails. 

It's just incredible that he said that. I had to read your post twice to make sure this wasn't some sort of joke that I just wasn't getting.


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## katorade (Oct 25, 2009)

kayrae said:


> Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard."



Then you say "Mmmm, baby, so is your head."


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## Miss Vickie (Oct 25, 2009)

His ass = kicked to the curb. End of story. Anyone who knows me even just a little would know that I won't tolerate stuff like that.


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## Tina (Oct 25, 2009)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> Tell him he offended you and that you do not see yourself as a "fat tub of lard" but as a beautiful person..Tell him if that is the way he sees you then you really need to talk..


Or, really, just never talk to him again after telling him to fuck himself...?


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## kayrae (Oct 25, 2009)

He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?!


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## BigBeautifulMe (Oct 25, 2009)

Oh, that was totally how I was interpreting what you said, kay. Doesn't change my answer. lol


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 25, 2009)

Tell him he's got a tiny peen.....but that's okay......because you prefer tiny peens.....THIS IS A COMPLIMENT!


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## Risible (Oct 25, 2009)

Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag.


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## AuntHen (Oct 25, 2009)

I have to agree with everyone...red flag!
to me it's like someone saying "you're so hot, you are so beautiful, I love to touch you... YOU'RE A DIRTY WHORE"! One negative can void out 10 positives 

yeah... moment RUINED:doh:


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## sweet&fat (Oct 25, 2009)

You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.


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## SocialbFly (Oct 25, 2009)

Risible said:


> Seems to me he's feeling you out ... physically and emotionally. I'd have to call it a bad start to a potential relationship for him to try that one out to see if you're going to let it pass. Consider it a red flag.



OHHHH Bingo...you hit that Ris....but i also have to say my response would be more like Tinas...today, fat tub of lard, tomorrow, fucking fat pig....

no thank you.


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## Tina (Oct 26, 2009)

sweet&fat said:


> You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.


You're a better woman than I, dear woman. I think I'd still hear him say it down the road and it would bother me. Maybe not, but I guess because of my own childhood experiences I'd have to dismiss him out of hand after hearing that (and I'm very tolerant and patient when it comes to men who are socially awkward, just not with those names, I guess).


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## Miss Vickie (Oct 26, 2009)

Tina said:


> You're a better woman than I, dear woman. I think I'd still hear him say it down the road and it would bother me. Maybe not, but I guess because of my own childhood experiences I'd have to dismiss him out of hand after hearing that (and I'm very tolerant and patient when it comes to men who are socially awkward, just not with those names, I guess).



I agree, Tina. I can handle a whole lotta awkwardness, having pretty much always hooked up with geeks. But just the very idea that someone could think -- let alone utter -- such a mean thing would forever make me wonder about that person. Like you, I'd be waiting when I'd hear it again, perhaps during an argument.


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## Sandie S-R (Oct 26, 2009)

kayrae said:


> He's saying it with lust. It was just one of those moments where I was so dumbfounded he even said it. Like whaaaaat?!



I'm just floored that it would matter at all why he said it. Anyone who called me a fat tub of lard regardless of the meaning behind it, would not be around long enough to do it again. 

I've been hanging around fat acceptance for well over 20 years, and I have certainly seen some some FAs that were socially awkward, but never one so lacking in common courtesy that he thought it was OK to call the object of his desire a "fat tub of lard".


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## Ash (Oct 26, 2009)

sweet&fat said:


> You know, his previous partner may have liked that kind of talk. He could be totally clueless about dating a real BBW in general. Who knows unless you talk to him about it before shooting from the hip and just telling him to fuck off. I say he gets one chance at serious discussion/explanation and what he does AFTER you say you hate that expression is what's most important. Should he know better than to spring that on you? Yes. Would I hate it if it happened to me? Hell yes. But if he's otherwise a good person in your estimation, he might merit at least a "what was that? and btw no thanks!"? If you hate the answer, the fuck you is always in your pocket.



Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did. However, you have the right to say, "You know what? This isn't okay with me." If you think he's an otherwise good guy and are interested in him outside of this particular situation, I'd say it's worth a discussion and a firm "Please don't ever call me that or anything like it again." If he doesn't immediately respect your feelings and apologize or if he says it again, tell him where to go.


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## KHayes666 (Oct 26, 2009)

Not sure if I'm allowed to post here but, from a man's standpoint, that was one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard.

There's a time and a place for "fat talk" but what Ashley says rings true, you have to be totally comfortable with someone to even talk about it, let alone out and out saying it at random.

I've seen people into humiliation and that kind of thing, and the words CAN be a compliment under those circumstances...however I know Kay and she's NOT into that kind of thing. If Kay gives this dude a second chance, he better have a huge apology ready and an explanation..if not, I go with Tina and Vickie's approach.


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## katorade (Oct 26, 2009)

Ashley said:


> Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did.




No, you know what? Common knowledge dictates that the majority of women are not okay with that, no matter what their size. That's akin to having oral sex for the first time with someone and them slapping you across the face, or having sex for the first time and them trying to choke you. 

Sure, there are people that like it, *but if you actually care about the person*, you ASK what they like rather than just shoot from the hip and go for it, and more so, you get back what you put forth. You want to bring that on without a second thought? I'm gonna bring down the hammer without a second thought. That ass would get beat.


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## James (Oct 26, 2009)

I've never used that phrase (don't think I've ever thought of a person as a tub of anything!) but I have made the mistake once of using the word 'fatty' in a similar situation many years ago that ended with a pretty harsh conversation with that person. I think that some phrases are beyond the pale in most situations and 'tub of lard' is probably one of them. Some, like 'fat' or 'fatty' can still be potential landmines depending on the level of reclamation an individual has over those words I think... 

Here's, what I found to be, some interesting commentary on reclamation of the word 'fat' and appropriate usage thereof... http://meloukhia.net/2009/10/on_the_reclamation_of_fat.html


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## Tracii (Oct 26, 2009)

Well that would finish the date for me.I'd walk out.


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## NoWayOut (Oct 26, 2009)

Ashley said:


> Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did. However, you have the right to say, "You know what? This isn't okay with me." If you think he's an otherwise good guy and are interested in him outside of this particular situation, I'd say it's worth a discussion and a firm "Please don't ever call me that or anything like it again." If he doesn't immediately respect your feelings and apologize or if he says it again, tell him where to go.



I agree. Some women do see it as a compliment, and it can freely be used to describe them.

That said, it's not a comment that should be said without checking with the girl first to see how she feels about it, because all women are different. My girlfriend is fat. But I'd never call her a name related to her weight unless I'd checked with her. It's that easy.


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## Shosh (Oct 26, 2009)

Ashley said:


> Exactly. Some women don't mind comments like this. Some (including me) even like them. He should know better than to just throw comments like that around without prior discussion, but people do make mistakes. He considers it a compliment and might not have realized that you wouldn't if he'd had prior experience with someone who did. However, you have the right to say, "You know what? This isn't okay with me." If you think he's an otherwise good guy and are interested in him outside of this particular situation, I'd say it's worth a discussion and a firm "Please don't ever call me that or anything like it again." If he doesn't immediately respect your feelings and apologize or if he says it again, tell him where to go.



I am sorry Ashley but I cannot conceive of any kind of situation in which any woman would want to be called a fat tub of lard.
You are a beautiful woman, stunning in fact.
How is it that you do not find that remark rude and offensive, given its general usage to degrade and humiliate fat women?


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## saucywench (Oct 26, 2009)

katorade said:


> No, you know what? Common knowledge dictates that the majority of women are not okay with that, no matter what their size. That's akin to having oral sex for the first time with someone and them slapping you across the face, or having sex for the first time and them trying to choke you.
> 
> Sure, there are people that like it, *but if you actually care about the person*, you ASK what they like rather than just shoot from the hip and go for it, and more so, you get back what you put forth. You want to bring that on without a second thought? I'm gonna bring down the hammer without a second thought. That ass would get beat.


Now, now, kate--don't you recognize true admiration when you encounter it?

Here, your lips must be parched from all that ranting. Have a sip or two or three of this Kool-Aid; I promise after the first swallow you won't taste the bitterness.

(requisite /sarcasm for them what needs it)


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 26, 2009)

kayrae said:


> So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.
> 
> Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.
> 
> What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?



That's just terrible! Tell him you don't like being compared to something greasy that is used to fry chicken. Then leave. Who knows what the next thing he'll say later on in the relationship.

The reason why I say this rather than just telling him to fuck off and leave is that _maybe_ he'll choose his words more carefully the next time he talks to a woman.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 26, 2009)

Susannah said:


> I am sorry Ashley but I cannot conceive of any kind of situation in which any woman would want to be called a fat tub of lard.
> You are a beautiful woman, stunning in fact.
> How is it that you do not find that remark rude and offensive, given its general usage to degrade and humiliate fat women?



She said that she doesn't mind the term, and I think it's safe to assume this is within the confines of her own relationships and not something she'd be OK with hearing from someone that she doesn't know and trust. I don't think it's fair to imply that Ashley is lacking in self-esteem because she's turned on by fat pejoratives when used by a lover. I'm sure that she's already aware that she's an attractive woman.

That said, I agree with the advise given to the OP that this is a huge red flag. If I really liked the guy, and he offered a REALLY GOOD explanation (which looks something like this, and includes a lot of ass-kissing: "my last girlfriend really LOVED being called a 'fat tub of lard' and I'm a clueless moron who doesn't know his ass from bass and PLEASE FORGIVE ME I'm soooooooooooooo sorry what can I do to make it up to you") I may overlook the first incident. There wouldn't be a second one, though.


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## Tooz (Oct 26, 2009)

Susannah said:


> I cannot conceive of any kind of situation in which any woman would want to be called a fat tub of lard.



Okay, Susannah, look.

I know you have trouble understanding what other people might like that you do not, but it DOES happen. It doesn't _matter_ if you can conceive a situation where a woman might like something like that-- said situations actually exist, even if you cannot think of them.

ANYWAY. Here's my general response. I would not immediately get up and walk out. As other people have said in this thread, it is possible that the person has yet to have a relationship where that kind of talk don't fly, and as soon as you let said person know, they stop. I would give it another chance, or gauge the person's response to my request before I walked out in a huff.

Personally? I like some "name calling," but this one isn't really up my alley. My course of action would be to attempt to guide the person's vocabulary towards the things I more like to hear.


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## StarWitness (Oct 26, 2009)

Okay, speaking as someone who does the name-calling? 

*I don't do it until I know that's what the other person likes*. Because... wait for it... *I don't assume that everyone shares my fantasies*. How is that difficult?

Is the conversation about personal limits a little awkward, and not very sexy? Yes. Sexier, however, than a big fight resulting in the other person never talking to you again.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Oct 26, 2009)

Susannah said:


> I am sorry Ashley but I cannot conceive of any kind of situation in which any woman would want to be called a fat tub of lard.
> You are a beautiful woman, stunning in fact.
> How is it that you do not find that remark rude and offensive, given its general usage to degrade and humiliate fat women?




Susannah to some people at the right time it may not be degrading..To each their own..If she likes it then that is how she feels...We all have different things we like at different times..

I personally feel this guy is kind of feeling the waters to see what he can get away with saying..It might be a big turn on to him but he hasn't realized that it is a turn off to a lot of women..Hell if nothing else you might save a woman down the road a lot of headache by teaching him it is not acceptable!


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## LisaInNC (Oct 26, 2009)

Last guy that called me a fat tub of lard was stabbed.


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## Tad (Oct 26, 2009)

I know this is the BBW board, but I _suspect _that if you asked the same question on the BHM/FFA board you’d get a similar set of reactions to what you see here….. I don’t think this is a gender thing, I think this is somebody crossing the line in a way that very few fat folk would welcome.


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## Shosh (Oct 26, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> She said that she doesn't mind the term, and I think it's safe to assume this is within the confines of her own relationships and not something she'd be OK with hearing from someone that she doesn't know and trust. I don't think it's fair to imply that Ashley is lacking in self-esteem because she's turned on by fat pejoratives when used by a lover. I'm sure that she's already aware that she's an attractive woman.
> 
> That said, I agree with the advise given to the OP that this is a huge red flag. If I really liked the guy, and he offered a REALLY GOOD explanation (which looks something like this, and includes a lot of ass-kissing: "my last girlfriend really LOVED being called a 'fat tub of lard' and I'm a clueless moron who doesn't know his ass from bass and PLEASE FORGIVE ME I'm soooooooooooooo sorry what can I do to make it up to you") I may overlook the first incident. There wouldn't be a second one, though.



Who said she was lacking in self esteem? I was just stating that she is beautiful.
Don't read your own interpretation into it because It is I who has written it and you wish to go after me at every turn.


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## NoWayOut (Oct 26, 2009)

Susannah said:


> I am sorry Ashley but I cannot conceive of any kind of situation in which any woman would want to be called a fat tub of lard.
> You are a beautiful woman, stunning in fact.
> How is it that you do not find that remark rude and offensive, given its general usage to degrade and humiliate fat women?



Everyone is different. You won't necessarily like the same things, which is why you won't like the same men. What you find offensive is a turn-on for her. She might feel differently about something you like. We all have different tastes.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 26, 2009)

Susannah said:


> Who said she was lacking in self esteem? I was just stating that she is beautiful.
> Don't read your own interpretation into it because It is I who has written it and you wish to go after me at every turn.



Susannah, this isn't about you, ok? A person *can* disagree with you without it being an attack on your character. I thought that it was fairly obvious what you were getting at. Otherwise, the "you're a stunning beauty" wouldn't have factored into what you wrote at all, certainly not in this context. If this isn't what you meant, perhaps you can explain in better detail, since I'm sure I'm not the only person who is confused.


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## mergirl (Oct 26, 2009)

maahhn...i thought i was socially awkward at 16.. but that would end at some stammering and blushing -There is no way i would put this down to social inexperience;You would have to just KNOW that calling a woman that is not acceptable (Unless you have discussed it and its HER thing). See to be honest, i don't know if i could BE with a woman who wanted me to call her that. It would feel really wrong for so many reasons to me. I think a guy who calls you this during the first time you are having sex does not respect you or women in general. The fact that he would asume someone would like to be called that means that he is putting his own pleasure before the feelings of another person and is a cock and should be kicked out of bed for farting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Tau (Oct 26, 2009)

I think some of the reactions to the comment have been extreme. Kay, the fact that you posted about his comment means you didn't like it. The key word here being YOU! nobody else's thoughts or opinions matter in this - if you're not comfortable with it then its _not_ a compliment. Tell him, be very clear about how offensive you find that, and if he gets it keep him and if he doesn't, kick him to the curb.


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## thatgirl08 (Oct 26, 2009)

Okay, as someone who is into that kind of stuff (although fat tub of lard is extremely unsexy, imo) I'd still be pissed if someone said something like that without clearing it with me. Like, socially awkward my ass. My boyfriend is 18, had one girlfriend before me and has never dated a BBW until me, and he never did anything like this.. he cleared everything before because that's like.. common sense. Unless this guy has been living in a cave his entire life, he should know better.


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## stldpn (Oct 26, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Last guy that called me a fat tub of lard was stabbed.



So I take it I can't let that one slip and pass it off as a heat of passion thing? Sexy beast is still alright though?

Weighing in as a guy.. It's not my experience that anybody likes to be referenced in a less than complimentary manner without previous solicitation. I mean really how many guys would expect to walk up to a girl and call her a dirty slut in casual conversation and have her take it as a compliment? You might get one out of a thousand girls that fawn over being talked to like that. But most don't, most women are going to consider it way too familiar and any guy that uses a derogatory line like that should expect to strike out more often than not.

I think part of it is that tub of lard is so harsh... there are a dozen other borderline phrases that are not nearly as inflamatory. But I don't even like to call a girl bubble butt if I'm not sure how she'll react.


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## LisaInNC (Oct 26, 2009)

stldpn said:


> So I take it I can't let that one slip and pass it off as a heat of passion thing?



Not if you want to live to tell about it.


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## stldpn (Oct 26, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Not if you want to live to tell about it.



That's what I figured. But you're going to be the death of me anyway I figure.


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## Ruby Ripples (Oct 26, 2009)

Tooz said:


> Okay, Susannah, look.
> 
> I know you have trouble understanding what other people might like that you do not, but it DOES happen. It doesn't _matter_ if you can conceive a situation where a woman might like something like that-- said situations actually exist, even if you cannot think of them.
> 
> ...



I agree with everything said above.


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## Shosh (Oct 26, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> Susannah, this isn't about you, ok? A person *can* disagree with you without it being an attack on your character. I thought that it was fairly obvious what you were getting at. Otherwise, the "you're a stunning beauty" wouldn't have factored into what you wrote at all, certainly not in this context. If this isn't what you meant, perhaps you can explain in better detail, since I'm sure I'm not the only person who is confused.



Look don't trot that nonsense out again. Not that I need to explain it but I have often been very taken with how beautiful Ashley is when I have looked at photos of her. She is quite striking. I was saying so.

Once again you are interpreting it in your own way.


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## Shosh (Oct 26, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Last guy that called me a fat tub of lard was stabbed.



Hahahaha!


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## exile in thighville (Oct 26, 2009)

kayrae said:


> So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.
> 
> Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.
> 
> What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?



tell him to fuck off. stuff like that is over the line without clearing it with you first - always. regardless, you wouldn't clear it with a retard.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 26, 2009)

Susannah said:


> Look don't trot that nonsense out again. Not that I need to explain it but I have often been very taken with how beautiful Ashley is when I have looked at photos of her. She is quite striking. I was saying so.
> 
> Once again you are interpreting it in your own way.



Susannah, nothing that I've written is "nonsense" -- that reads, actually, like a personal attack; and if you read again without defensive posturing, you'll see that I've actually asked you to clarify, since that sentence didn't make sense (to ME) in the context in which you offered it.


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## sweet&fat (Oct 26, 2009)

Seriously, take your fight somewhere else you guys. I am so utterly sick of every thread that has a whiff of interesting conversation being killed by personal in-fighting. Stop please.


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## Carrie (Oct 26, 2009)

sweet&fat said:


> Seriously, take your fight somewhere else you guys. I am so utterly sick of every thread that has a whiff of interesting conversation being killed by personal in-fighting. Stop please.


Yep. If there's no chance of there being a bikini-clad cage match on which I can bet copious amounts of money, take it outside, please.


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## joswitch (Oct 26, 2009)

kayrae said:


> So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.
> 
> Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.
> 
> What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?



Pull them up on it. Totally say - "Look I know that *you* might find that hot or complimentary. But *I don't*. Don't call me that 'tub of lard' thing. Never. Ever."

If there's a repeat offence - then dump 'em.


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## Observer (Oct 26, 2009)

Tracii said:


> Well that would finish the date for me.I'd walk out.



As well you might be expected to. 

I've no interest in such language even in fiction (a;though I do know some writers do use such terms). And I can see it being uaed consnsually with a partner who likes it. Personally I wouldn't and find it demeaning.


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## joswitch (Oct 26, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> Okay, speaking as someone who does the name-calling?
> 
> *I don't do it until I know that's what the other person likes*. Because... wait for it... *I don't assume that everyone shares my fantasies*. How is that difficult?
> 
> Is the conversation about personal limits a little awkward, and not very sexy? Yes. Sexier, however, than a big fight resulting in the other person never talking to you again.



This^ *applause* *throws roses* (you're not allergic are you?)


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## joswitch (Oct 26, 2009)

NoWayOut said:


> Everyone is different. You won't necessarily like the same things, which is why you won't like *the same men*. What you find offensive is a turn-on for her. She might feel differently about something you like. We all have different tastes.



The same man can say and do different things to please different partners with different needs / kinks / feelings... Y'know, if he cares for her and listens to her and shiz... just sayin' .... :blush:


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## Elfcat (Oct 26, 2009)

kayrae said:


> What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?



A lot of us grew up in environs where the only language taught about fatness was negative and composed of chestnuts like the one you mentioned. Some have decided to take such terms by the horns and hijack them back, such as FATASS PDX.

I have a feeling that a lot of men stumble into fat porn before they stumble into the fat-acceptance movement. I was lucky enough to have it happen the other way around. But from the few times I've ventured into the genre, I have heard references that are pretty dicey, which perpetuate stereotypes rather than breaking out of them.

If you sense this man's affections are true, tell him this, but make it clear that he is speaking the enemy's language. Ask him if he thinks of himself as fat-positive, a lover of fat partners, and if he says yes, then make it a teaching moment to let him know the ways he can refer to you, and to your body's physicality, which bring the most joy to you. Let him know there's a war out there, and put it to him which side he wants to be on, and that his words are a part of that choice.


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## furious styles (Oct 26, 2009)

makes about as much sense as being like;

"hey baby you're so beautiful, i love your personality, you're really a DIRTY DIRTY GIRL AREN'T YOU"


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## Weeze (Oct 26, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> tell him to fuck off. stuff like that is over the line without clearing it with you first - always. regardless, you wouldn't clear it with a retard.



i hate when you make sense.


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## Keb (Oct 26, 2009)

Not a compliment in my book, either, but I think it merits discussing rather than shutting the door. Unless he does insensitive things like that all the time.


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## KFD (Oct 26, 2009)

*Are you f#$%ing kidding me!?*

Its comments such as that one, that makes me wonder if he an FA by choice, or by pure social ineptitude.

Oh boy, sounds like another musing for me...

KFD


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## kayrae (Oct 27, 2009)

I'm rather surprised that others have experienced something of the same. No, I don't think he's a horrible person. Yes, I will talk to him. I probably would've said something when it happened, but y'know how it goes...


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## bigtim59 (Oct 27, 2009)

that statement is not a compliment and I don,t see how anyone could find that to be a compliment.there is nothing nice about saying someone is a fat tub of lard.


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## katorade (Oct 27, 2009)

Elfcat said:


> *I have a feeling that a lot of men stumble into fat porn before they stumble into the fat-acceptance movement.* I was lucky enough to have it happen the other way around. But from the few times I've ventured into the genre, I have heard references that are pretty dicey, which perpetuate stereotypes rather than breaking out of them.



Yeah, but most men run into an actual live, breathing *woman* before they experience fat porn, like...I dunno, their mama for instance. Perhaps a teacher. Perhaps grandma. Perhaps their bus driver. Whatever. _Chances are..._the same place the guy learned to tell a girl she's beautiful and how to win her over and how to politely garner her affections and attention, also taught him not to call her a FAT TUB OF LARD during a passionate moment! Jesus!

Unless his mom is Joan Crawford, I'm pretty sure he has no good excuse as to why he has diarrhea of the mouth and a seriously fucked up view of the female of the species.


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## mergirl (Oct 27, 2009)

Carrie said:


> Yep. If there's no chance of there being a bikini-clad cage match on which I can bet copious amounts of money, take it outside, please.


mmm..bikini clad cage match you say?? .....
:happy:


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## thejuicyone (Oct 27, 2009)

You proceed as follows...







Then, you swiftly kick him in the nads and "lol".
"Oh, haha, your dicks lard now!"

You'll have to excuse me, I've had one too many cups of coffee with my percocet.


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## Santaclear (Oct 27, 2009)

Either he's making some gross misassumption he can talk to you that way that he got from viewing porn (as Elfcat theorized) or he's just a disrespectful creep. Either way it's highly suspect. You've already gotten plenty input on this, Kayrae.

BTW, anyone going to see _Fat Tub of Lard 2?_ It's opening soon.


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## exile in thighville (Oct 27, 2009)

if only porn like that existed


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## The Orange Mage (Oct 27, 2009)

katorade said:


> Yeah, but most men run into an actual live, breathing *woman* before they experience fat porn, like...I dunno, their mama for instance. Perhaps a teacher. Perhaps grandma. Perhaps their bus driver. Whatever. _Chances are..._the same place the guy learned to tell a girl she's beautiful and how to win her over and how to politely garner her affections and attention, also taught him not to call her a FAT TUB OF LARD during a passionate moment! Jesus!
> 
> Unless his mom is Joan Crawford, I'm pretty sure he has no good excuse as to why he has diarrhea of the mouth and a seriously fucked up view of the female of the species.



I'm gonna take a wiiiild guess and assume the guy was thinking with his penis, which means that he was thinking about nothing but sex, which then means the fact that the person he was talking to is a _person_ took a back seat to "other things." :doh:


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## Santaclear (Oct 27, 2009)

oops......


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## mergirl (Oct 27, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> BTW, anyone going to see _Fat Tub of Lard 2?_ It's opening soon.



Hmm, not sure. I dont think anything could be better than "Filthy fat sluts 10"
:eat2:


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## Smushygirl (Oct 27, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Hmm, not sure. I dont think anything could be better than "Filthy fat sluts 10"
> :eat2:



I think I would like to be a Filthy Fat Slut, at the very least it implies that I am person, as opposed to being a fat tub of lard. That implies I am an inanimate object being used as a receptacle. At least that's how I see it.


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## mergirl (Oct 27, 2009)

Smushygirl said:


> I think I would like to be a Filthy Fat Slut, at the very least it implies that I am person, as opposed to being a fat tub of lard. That implies I am an inanimate object being used as a receptacle. At least that's how I see it.


Yeah...thats why i liked the film "Filthy fat sluts 10"..it was really quite romantic.. plus containers filled with substances just dont get me off!


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## Blackjack (Oct 27, 2009)

bigtim59 said:


> that statement is not a compliment and I don,t see how anyone could find that to be a compliment.there is nothing nice about saying someone is a fat tub of lard.



Just as a counterpoint, I'd like to direct you to Ashley's post earlier in the thread.


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## bdog (Oct 27, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Hmm, not sure. I dont think anything could be better than "Filthy fat sluts 10"
> :eat2:



Well, apparently you've never seen Filthy Fat Sluts 13. Pity.

-

In that situation I would walk around the room like a zombie and say, "ME SO HUNGRY. ME WANT FAT TUB OF KICK YOUR ASS."

--

I'm interested in Kayrae's experience. Was this on IM? The phone? During a make out session? 

I once said "I love your fat thighs" in the heat of the moment without 'clearing' it first. It didn't go over well at all. It's not as bad as "F.T.O.L.", but to most girls it's still pretty terrible. 

Anyway, life's funny. I hope you're laughing at the situation.


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## KHayes666 (Oct 27, 2009)

bdog said:


> Well, apparently you've never seen *Filthy Fat Sluts 13*. Pity.
> 
> -
> 
> ...



I own that on blu ray....good stuff


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## katorade (Oct 27, 2009)

The Orange Mage said:


> I'm gonna take a wiiiild guess and assume the guy was thinking with his penis, which means that he was thinking about nothing but sex, which then means the fact that the person he was talking to is a _person_ took a back seat to "other things." :doh:



As if that makes it a viable excuse. To grasp how truly screwed up that train of thought is, try using "sorry, my dick was hard" as an excuse for any other scenario.


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## joswitch (Oct 27, 2009)

katorade said:


> As if that makes it a viable excuse. To grasp how truly screwed up that train of thought is, try using "sorry, my dick was hard" as an excuse for any other scenario.



Hitler invades Poland - 
"Enstuldigen! Mein dick vas hard!"

Bernie Madoff destroys economy - 
"Woops! my bad! But in my defence - my dick WAS hard!"

Billy "Bubba" Clinton makes whoopee with Monica - 
"Well, dang! I'm sorry, but hey my dick was hard"

Hmmmm.... that last one kinda works...


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## Ash (Oct 27, 2009)

First of all, I said that I enjoy this type of comment; I never implied that anyone else should. Further, my enjoyment of fat name-calling is not a self-esteem issue. I'm a strong, confident woman. Do I know why any of this turns me on? Nope. It just does. I'm willing to bet that most of you don't know why any of your relative sexual proclivities do it for you, either. I engage in activities and discussions that include fat name-calling because they feel good, and they don't affect anyone but me. 

Regardless of any of that, I gave an opinion just as everyone else is giving theirs. I haven't consumed any kool-aid, and I'm not trying to persuade anyone else to do so. Frankly, the implication that I'm incapable of formulating my own opinions and must be brainwashed into accepting this sort of behavior is laughable and more than a little insulting. 

That said, though, I would like to kindly request that so many posts in every thread from here out include statements about me being beautiful.


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## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2009)

i'd be very suspect of someone who does not use common etiquette with me. we all know how that term affects most people in our society. rather than using it straight out without any warning a man should respect you enough to talk to you about whether you like things like that or not. getting into sexually related convos with me right away anyway is a dead giveaway that someone is, at the very least, probably not very smart. it also sounds like someone who is porn addicted or has very narrow social expereinces when it comes to women. its just not a normal way to approach someone you don't know well. in my experience its a serious sign of immaturity and insensitivity that leads a guy to take the tack of "i'll see what i can get away with". someone who really cares about you won't take the chance without asking you first.


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## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2009)

KFD said:


> *Are you f#$%ing kidding me!?*
> 
> Its comments such as that one, that makes me wonder if he an FA by choice, or by pure social ineptitude.
> 
> ...



i wonder the same sometimes. most non-FAs except the very lowest never get sexual with me or other women right away like that. its usually some thug hanging out on the street or a drunk homeless guy. when i'm out at a bar or jazz club or something when men say the equivalent to a thin woman the women get up and walk away. i wonder why women inside the community are so willing to just look over the behavior? what are we teaching men we are just meeting about the level of respect we require?


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## bdog (Oct 27, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i'd be very suspect of someone who does not use common etiquette with me. we all know how that term affects most people in our society. rather than using it straight out without any warning a man should respect you enough to talk to you about whether you like things like that or not. getting into sexually related convos with me right away anyway is a dead giveaway that someone is, at the very least, probably not very smart. it also sounds like someone who is porn addicted or has very narrow social expereinces when it comes to women. its just not a normal way to approach someone you don't know well. in my experience its a serious sign of immaturity and insensitivity that leads a guy to take the tack of "i'll see what i can get away with". someone who really cares about you won't take the chance without asking you first.



Kayrae's given very few facts about the situation and you've got this whole scenario worked out in your head. Weird.


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## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2009)

bdog said:


> Kayrae's given very few facts about the situation and you've got this whole scenario worked out in your head. Weird.



yes i have because i am a woman and a SBBW with lots of experience with men at age 46--including ltrs. if he doesn't know she feels negatively about something he doesn't know her well enough to say it. its not that difficult. he was being rude even if that wasn't his intention. porn manners don't work out in the street. the world is not a website. even if you don't have experience with BBWs you've hopefully had general day to day experience with other women. i think that remembering that BBWs are women, which they are, in some way is an underlying problem for some FAs. some guys really don't see BBWs like they do other women--sexual interest or no. the same rules apply to us as to other women. don't say something thats iffy unless you ask if you can. its just basic respect and its not a good idea for BBWs to ask for less. how would you like it if some guy told your mother she was a sexy old bitch with her baggy wrinkles without knowing her well? would that be cute? should she be flattered?


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## KHayes666 (Oct 27, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> yes i have because i am a woman and a SBBW with lots of experience with men at age 46--including ltrs. if he doesn't know she feels negatively about something he doesn't know her well enough to say it. its not that difficult. he was being rude even if that wasn't his intention. porn manners don't work out in the street. the world is not a website. even if you don't have experience with BBWs you've hopefully had general day to day experience with other women. i think that remembering that BBWs are women, which they are, in some way is an underlying problem for some FAs. some guys really don't see BBWs like they do other women--sexual interest or no. the same rules apply to us as to other women. don't say something thats iffy unless you ask if you can. its just basic respect and its not a good idea for BBWs to ask for less. *how would you like it if some guy told your mother she was a sexy old bitch with her baggy wrinkles without knowing her well? would that be cute? should she be flattered?*



different situation.

More than likely someone would say...and to quote Robert DeNeiro in Analyze This..... "Have you ever seen my motha? Are you out of your fuckin mind?


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## The Orange Mage (Oct 27, 2009)

katorade said:


> As if that makes it a viable excuse. To grasp how truly screwed up that train of thought is, try using "sorry, my dick was hard" as an excuse for any other scenario.



Oh I'm not saying it's any excuse, just pointing out the obvious.


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## bdog (Oct 27, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> yes i have because i am a woman and a SBBW with lots of experience with men at age 46--including ltrs. if he doesn't know she feels negatively about something he doesn't know her well enough to say it. its not that difficult. he was being rude even if that wasn't his intention. porn manners don't work out in the street. the world is not a website. even if you don't have experience with BBWs you've hopefully had general day to day experience with other women. i think that remembering that BBWs are women, which they are, in some way is an underlying problem for some FAs. some guys really don't see BBWs like they do other women--sexual interest or no. the same rules apply to us as to other women. don't say something thats iffy unless you ask if you can. its just basic respect and its not a good idea for BBWs to ask for less. how would you like it if some guy told your mother she was a sexy old bitch with her baggy wrinkles without knowing her well? would that be cute? should she be flattered?



I was kind of appalled that anyone would say that but I wanted clarification on the circumstances, particularly since Kayrae doesn't seem as upset as many of the responses, and Kayrae's not stupid nor one to take abuse. It's still in the realm of idiotic things to say, but it is different if it's a 4th date makeout session or a first time IM conversation. 

I'd say something about the empty cup, but they stole my bowing asian dude icon.


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## olwen (Oct 27, 2009)

bdog said:


> I was kind of appalled that anyone would say that but I wanted clarification on the circumstances, particularly since Kayrae doesn't seem as upset as many of the responses, and Kayrae's not stupid nor one to take abuse. It's still in the realm of idiotic things to say, but it is different if it's a 4th date makeout session or a first time IM conversation.
> 
> I'd say something about the empty cup, but they stole my bowing asian dude icon.



Bdog, the level of familiarity doesn't matter because he didn't talk to her about it first. I'd say it would be even worse if he got to know her better and had a sense of who she is and knowing she might not like it just blurt it out anyway. Really it just comes down to respect and courtesy.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Oct 27, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> different situation.
> 
> More than likely someone would say...and to quote Robert DeNeiro in Analyze This..... "Have you ever seen my motha? Are you out of your fuckin mind?




There is nothing different about it...An insult is an insult no matter who the woman is...I do not care if she is 10 or 100..It is uncalled for...Using a movie quote such as you did tells me what you think of your Mother..


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## wrestlingguy (Oct 27, 2009)

bdog said:


> Kayrae's given very few facts about the situation and you've got this whole scenario worked out in your head. Weird.



SuperO is a very perceptive and articulate person. I am as well, and have a degree in psychology, and her assessment is likely dead on. There is nothing weird, except that you find her post weird, as if someone, especially Felecia, couldn't put a logical scenario together.

That's almost as insulting as calling a woman a fat tub of lard.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 27, 2009)

I have to agree with Kate and Felecia......people should just know better than to treat, not just a woman in general, but another human being, that way.

What's so hard to figure out?

See Dick chase after Jane
See Jane stop and talk to Dick
See Dick call Jane a fat tub o lard and say it's okay cuz he's hard
See Jane kick Dick in his hard on...

Don't be a dick....


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## superodalisque (Oct 28, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> different situation.
> 
> More than likely someone would say...and to quote Robert DeNeiro in Analyze This..... "Have you ever seen my motha? Are you out of your fuckin mind?



i know that you were trying to make a bit of a joke but no, i think the situations kinda equate. most women period wouldn't like to be called a fat tub of lard. most women wouldn't want to be called old and wrinkley. you do know there are guys who admire old women?--the older the better. but most women won't like being approached that way straight out of the box by someone who hasn't even asked them if its thier thing yet. its about boundaries. you have to ease your way sexually with people. you can't force your way in. its not enough that a woman be the object of admiration. she also needs to be the object of respect. she should set the tone about about what manner she feels comfortable in being approached. she has to be given the opportunity to make that decision. when a man makes the choice for her of his own accord with out getting to know her he is forcing his sexuality on her--wanted or not. thats the problem with it. its not so much what is said but the atmosphere and context its said in.


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## succubus_dxb (Oct 28, 2009)

I'm....dumbfounded..... all I can say is, sorry if you were hurt Kayrae  xxxxxx


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## bdog (Oct 28, 2009)

The word is morally ambiguous not to mention full of surprises. I'm more interested in finding out what makes it tick instead of deciding who's going to get presents for xmas this year.

I said I was appalled. So sorry for being curious as well.


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## kayrae (Oct 28, 2009)

WTF?! I'm the one who should be getting Xmas presents. How dare! I'll tell you in person, but details are too intimate perhaps.


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## bdog (Oct 28, 2009)

kayrae said:


> WTF?! I'm the one who should be getting Xmas presents. How dare!



Woot! You'll get them. I hear there's a certain BHM who's got a big fat tub of toys for all the girls and possibly even a few boys.


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## Lovelyone (Oct 28, 2009)

First you compliment his eyes, then his hair...then his smile...and then you tell him that he looks just like a big ball of dried up ear wax. When he looks at you funny you say, "Yeah..that is about the same response I gave you when you called me a tub of lard. Doesnt feel good does it, jackass??"


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## Mack27 (Oct 28, 2009)

I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.

But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.


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## Sugar (Oct 28, 2009)

Mack27 said:


> I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.
> 
> But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.



Or maybe they understand that talk like that is best kept between partners that have discussed it and both want and enjoy it?

Not everyone feels that flying some sort of freak flag in public is called for...it's OK to keep somethings private.


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## Jes (Oct 28, 2009)

kayrae said:


> So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.
> 
> Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.
> 
> What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?



Is he a Dims FA? (i'm not asking for a username, btw.) I sometimes think that Dims FAs, seeing the kind of terminology paysite girls use to publicize their sites, may begin to think the average fat woman appreciates those terms. 

Porn isn't real life, all. Blubbery blubber may get you subscribers, but it's probably not helping anyone else.


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## joswitch (Oct 28, 2009)

Jes said:


> Is he a Dims FA? (i'm not asking for a username, btw.) I sometimes think that Dims FAs, seeing the kind of terminology paysite girls use to publicize their sites, may begin to think the average fat woman appreciates those terms.
> 
> Porn isn't real life, all. Blubbery blubber may get you subscribers, but it's probably not helping anyone else.



*sings* to the tune of South Park "Blame Canada"
"Blame Paysitegirls! Blame Paysitegirls!" 

Or.... maybe not... The smart money's riding on - the guy's a dink.


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## kayrae (Oct 28, 2009)

He is a dims FA. 

Outrage aside, I did chuckle about it. But I do really want to know how others have approached this particular situation. It's not really important that others enjoy being called "fat tub of lard." Some of my friends IRL call each other Fatty McFatterson, heifers and fatties (myself included). But that's an agreed upon joke between us. "Fat tub of lard" is not my cup of tea.


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## mergirl (Oct 28, 2009)

Mack27 said:


> I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.
> 
> But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.


Not the point. Some women are into rape fantasy.. you don't just assume they are and rape them on your first date. Even if you are into rape fantasy, for someone act this out without talking to you about it first is risky buisness. Good for all the women who like being called 'tubs of lard'- no one is saying their sex likes are bad in any way.. The point is, the assumption on the part of the guy.. its really mental and either socially inept or just plain disrespectful.


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## olwen (Oct 28, 2009)

kayrae said:


> He is a dims FA.
> 
> Outrage aside, I did chuckle about it. But I do really want to know how others have approached this particular situation. It's not really important that others enjoy being called "fat tub of lard." Some of my friends IRL call each other Fatty McFatterson, heifers and fatties (myself included). But that's an agreed upon joke between us. "Fat tub of lard" is not my cup of tea.



Kayrae, the first time this happened to me I was too shocked to process it right away, plus he threw it at me (Piggy) right as I was cumming, so I had let it go right then. It took me a while to finally say "don't call me that again." but by then he had said it more than once and I had let him get away with it so hearing me finally say I didn't like it probably confused him. We saw each other less after that. He was only a fuck buddy so it wasn't that big a deal and I was able to learn that lesson without too much heartache. Hearing words like that came up again while trying to date online with other guys and I was able to say right away "don't call me that." Those guys didn't stick around. I guess they decided that they should be able to treat a fat girl any way they want to and we should just accept that and they probably kept looking till they found one to let em do it. And of course those times the words came up it wasn't a discussion, it was just something they threw at me hoping I would like it. In any case now I have no problem saying what I do and don't like and any guy who can't handle that is not a guy I want to be with.


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## stldpn (Oct 28, 2009)

joswitch said:


> *sings* to the tune of South Park "Blame Canada"
> "Blame Paysitegirls! Blame Paysitegirls!"
> 
> Or.... maybe not... The smart money's riding on - the guy's a dink.



Not knowing any paysite girls personally... I'm not even sure all of them would appreciate being called a tubba' anything. Granted they may tolerate that sort of thing from guys who'll never touch them, but how many would actually want to shack up with a guy like that in real life?

I do think that there are a very small number of circumstances where you might find a girl who appreciates being called a tub of lard on a first date/first meeting. I figure that if you're female and hanging out in a leather or rough trade bar you may actually be looking for a guy who will use phrases like this to excite you. But basically, even if a woman has put herself in that situation, she's in no way obligated to respond positively to that kind of talk. 

Like I said before, every guy strikes out with a line here and there, but I'm amazed this guy isn't used to it yet.


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## kayrae (Oct 28, 2009)

Thanks for this. Very good point.



olwen said:


> Kayrae, the first time this happened to me I was too shocked to process it right away, plus he threw it at me (Piggy) right as I was cumming, so I had let it go right then. It took me a while to finally say "don't call me that again." but by then he had said it more than once and I had let him get away with it so hearing me finally say I didn't like it probably confused him. We saw each other less after that. He was only a fuck buddy so it wasn't that big a deal and I was able to learn that lesson without too much heartache. Hearing words like that came up again while trying to date online with other guys and I was able to say right away "don't call me that." Those guys didn't stick around. I guess they decided that they should be able to treat a fat girl any way they want to and we should just accept that and they probably kept looking till they found one to let em do it. And of course those times the words came up it wasn't a discussion, it was just something they threw at me hoping I would like it. In any case now I have no problem saying what I do and don't like and any guy who can't handle that is not a guy I want to be with.


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## Tad (Oct 28, 2009)

Olwen, I loved your post, but I'd suggest a different interpretation of one small part:



olwen said:


> Those guys didn't stick around. I guess they decided that they should be able to treat a fat girl any way they want to and we should just accept that and they probably kept looking till they found one to let em do it.



I think you are assuming the 'you' (BBW, women in general) has more importance in their mind than I'd suspect. That is, I don't think it is that guys like that think you should be one way or another, all they care about is finding one who complies with their fantasy. It isn't personal--it is like the guy propositioning every woman at a bar*. He doesn't really care why you would say yes or no, only if you say 'yes.'

By the way, I think that impersonal use is, if anything, worse than being controlling and demanding. At least if he thinks of your attitudes and opinions at all there might be a chance to get him to alter his attitude, but the ones who really don't care, I don't know if there is much chance of reaching them.

* I had a conversation once with a guy who did that regularly for a few years. About every second night that he did this some woman would go home with him and sleep with him . By his way of thinking this was more sex for less work than actually having a girlfriend :doh:


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## olwen (Oct 28, 2009)

Tad said:


> Olwen, I loved your post, but I'd suggest a different interpretation of one small part:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Tad, you are arguing my point for me, of course it's impersonal. It's impersonal because of the myth that a fat girl is *supposed* to be an easy lay....I really truly have to wonder if a guy who is into thin women would expect a thin woman to take whatever they throw at them in the bedroom or would they assume straight off the bat there are things they wouldn't be able to get away with and just not go there no matter how (un)emotionally invested they are. In their minds a fat girl is "supposed" to comply with their fantasies because we're oh so desperate enough that we will agree to anything. 

I've been on the receiving end of that idea more times than I can count. I've witnessed men getting angry if I turn them down, if I don't respond to a gross cat call, or if I say I don't like something that they think I should because I'm fat. The response is usually something along the lines of "well fuck you you fat bitch, don't nobody want your fat ass anyway." I've heard this enough times over the years to think my assessment is a valid one and is probably true. If the men that I had hooked up with actually saw me as a person then those guys would have taken the time to talk to me about it first. They would have cared how I actually feel about that kind of talk AND if I said I didn't like it or I only liked it in certain circumstances they would respect that and not just walk away out of a selfish need to bust a nut and go.


Also, I realize you mean well Tad, but I also felt like what you just said was a way to invalidate my own experiences as a fat woman, and I feel a bit put out having to explain this to a guy here on this board. I'm sure the other bbws here know exactly where I'm coming from, which is probably why Kayrae put her question here in the first place. 

I also don't mean for you to take this criticsm as a reason to not post here, because guys are welcome to post here, but this is just one of those times when this is something that only someone who has to brace herself for something like this every time she meets a guy can fully empathize with. This is the main reason I stopped dating online. This kind of disrespectful bullshit came up every ding dang time. I had enough.


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## Jes (Oct 28, 2009)

joswitch said:


> *sings* to the tune of South Park "Blame Canada"
> "Blame Paysitegirls! Blame Paysitegirls!"
> 
> :



Are you blaming paysite girls?

Because I'm not. But tubs of lard or blubber and pig noses are all very charged words and images. If they weren't, I don't think they'd be successful ways of advertising. They certainly garner attention and that attention can be translated into dollars, which is the point of the whole venture, right? Many people want to believe what actors or models say in advertisements (about ANY product). That's what makes the ad successful. But is it always real? No. But will some people not be able to tell the difference? Yes. And if someone reads 'tub of lard' here, in that context, someone might then believe all fat people like that terminology. I don't think that's a stretch. It was an angle no one had suggested before, and I think it's worth a mention.


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## Tad (Oct 28, 2009)

Gah--I read this off the new postings list, forgot this thread was on the BBW forum. I would not have offered that lengthy an opinion if I had. It is beyond the edit time period....any chance I could just get that post deleted?


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## joswitch (Oct 28, 2009)

@Tad - Oops! Me too! Why did I think this was on the Weight Board??? Did it move? or do I just need more sleep? Anyway - my bad! @Mod (Butch?) please delete my posts in this thread if you would be so kind! Thanks! I=shutting up now!


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## kayrae (Oct 28, 2009)

I don't mind differing opinions. I don't mind if men contribute to the thread. As long as the discussion is civil. I do not advocate for any deletions in this thread. We can all learn from each other.


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## Ash (Oct 28, 2009)

Sugar said:


> Not everyone feels that flying some sort of freak flag in public is called for...it's OK to keep somethings private.



It's also okay to stand up for those of us who are BBWs AND have fat-related fetishes. Maybe "stand up" isn't even appropriate in this case. All I said is that we exist.


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## LoveBHMS (Oct 28, 2009)

Speaking as an FFA who uses this type of language, I can tell you I would never ever ever use it unless the BHM told me he was into it. That being said, my experience has been that men (or women) who are into anything extreme will generally make the effort to let you know what they like and how extreme they are. 

I would never use it just to test the waters or determine if it was ok, in fact I never mention a guy's weight at all unless he brings it up, and even then I keep it very tame (Oh I think you're hot!).

And for the record I am a very out and proud FFA and using this terminology during sex play is in no way, shape, or form an expression of fat hatred or fat phobia. To be honest, the situations in which I do it are typically done to excite the BHM who enjoy it. I'd say they get off a lot more on hearing it then I do on saying it.


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## mergirl (Oct 28, 2009)

LoveBHMS said:


> And for the record I am a very out and proud FFA and using this terminology during sex play is in no way, shape, or form an expression of fat hatred or fat phobia.



Totally agreed. This is consentual sex play and totally different to the OP. You can call someone a slut (because you both enjoy that) during sex and be a feminist outside the bedroom, the same goes for 'fat talk'. The whole bone of contention is the non consenting part and the assumptions.


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## Ash (Oct 28, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Totally agreed. This is consentual sex play and totally different to the OP. You can call someone a slut (because you both enjoy that) during sex and be a feminist outside the bedroom, the same goes for 'fat talk'. The whole bone of contention is the non consenting part and the assumptions.



I agree, and I addressed this in my first post in the thread. My subsequent posts have been in response to those who asked how I could possibly feel that way.


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## Tooz (Oct 28, 2009)

Sugar said:


> Not everyone feels that flying some sort of freak flag in public is called for...it's OK to keep somethings private.



On some level I agree, but speaking for myself, I was just kind of...telling Susannah. Definitely with you...no one needs to scream "I LOVE GAINING AND FETISH"


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## mergirl (Oct 28, 2009)

Ashley said:


> I agree, and I addressed this in my first post in the thread. My subsequent posts have been in response to those who asked how I could possibly feel that way.


You feel how you feel, you don't need explainations, just social ettiquette, which the guy the OP talked about just didn't. You shouldn't feel the need to defend what you enjoy sexually in the same way people should be able to express what they dislike when they have no choice but to be faced with it.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 28, 2009)

kayrae said:


> He is a dims FA.
> 
> Outrage aside, I did chuckle about it. *But I do really want to know how others have approached this particular situation.* It's not really important that others enjoy being called "fat tub of lard." Some of my friends IRL call each other Fatty McFatterson, heifers and fatties (myself included). But that's an agreed upon joke between us. "Fat tub of lard" is not my cup of tea.



This type of situation happened to me once. It was a guy from Dims chat about 2 years ago or so. He called me "piggy" or his little piggy or some such shit. 
Saddest part is.....he had me going and I was going to dirty talk him like he'd never been dirty talked because I loved the quick, easy rapport we had started. I don't mind dirty names/talk.....but only with my permission. That's always key with me......I have to approve it first....because control/trust is part of an experience being good for me. 
But piggy......that was not only an INSTANT, STARTLING, COMPLETE turn-off....but he also pissed me off quite badly with that one word. 
He was promptly introduced to that "switch" side of my personality.....that quietly asked him why he felt at liberty to say such a thing....especially since that is not something he asked about in our previous convo and nor had I asked for such a name. It took him a moment, methinks, to realize he had not only lost "control" (it really is an illusion sometimes, eh?) but was getting treated to the side of me that wasn't into fun and games anymore.
The more he tried to play dumb/innocent about it, the more pissed off I became. I blocked and deleted him after telling him to shove it where the sun undoubtedly doesn't shine. 

I'm older than you are Kayrae....and that translates into me having much less patience, I suspect, with a man that takes assumed liberties. They don't change with a simple talking to or "a little more love" to quote ONJ. If they are that assuming and callous towards your personal feelings at such an intimate moment, they are a bull in a china shop and need to get the boot. 
I have no interest in developing a close relationship, or even friendship, with this type of man ever again. 

After him and a couple of other weird encounters/communications with guys from dims chat, I stopped communicating so "freely" with them there. 
It's strictly "hi how are you" and "Nice weather, eh?" type of convos now only....because my turn ons don't always seem to mix with some here.


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## Sugar (Oct 28, 2009)

Ashley said:


> It's also okay to stand up for those of us who are BBWs AND have fat-related fetishes. Maybe "stand up" isn't even appropriate in this case. All I said is that we exist.





Tooz said:


> On some level I agree, but speaking for myself, I was just kind of...telling Susannah. Definitely with you...no one needs to scream "I LOVE GAINING AND FETISH"



I was simply replying to Mack. No comment on people existing or their right to exist. 

Either way any partner talking to a date that way without clearing it first is a big red flag and it seems we all agreed on that point.


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## Fascinita (Oct 29, 2009)

Mack27 said:


> I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.



Why would they be afraid to post? This is a protected forum. *All* BBW experiences are welcome here. The mods enforce that. Negativity and attacks on people's lived experiences are discouraged, so far as I know. 

I'm not sure you've read the situation right. Are you familiar with the rules?



> But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.



Mack27, are you saying that women who like being called a fat tub of lard but didn't post in this thread are not confident or honest or intelligent? Or that they don't "rock"? WTF?

You certainly come to this Forum with a lot of assumptions and a lot of chastising thrown at those who've posted here--including a number of BBWs.

Have you read the rules? I think non-BBW participation is welcome, so long as it does not infringe on BBW's expression of their opinions and experiences.


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## Buttah (Oct 29, 2009)

Freudian Slip?


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## LillyBBBW (Oct 29, 2009)

Mack27 said:


> I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.
> 
> But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.



Maybe a few but not I. Actually I merely glanced in here once in the beginning, saw that most people were stating the obvious and didn't feel any need to sing along so I left. Seeing this thread popping up so vigorously though tipped me off that something must be brewing in here and morbid curiosity prompted me to see what it was. As for being a freak I guess that's subject to interpretation. It is what it is but if it means I must wear a freak t-shirt then I do so proudly weather I'm grand standing about it or pursuing one of my legion other interests at that moment.

Since I'm here anyway I may as well say that the guy mentioned by the OP is an imbecil. I enjoy 'fat tub of lard,' bitch, slut, whore and darlin' in their proper context. The proper context is key though and most males with the constitutions to aim and piss in a boot know this. He would not just call someone 'slut' or 'whore' while trying to woo himself in to good favor during the initial stages of getting acquainted with a woman. There is simply no excuse for what that guy did and he needs to face the consequences for his stupid actions. What he said was crass and inappropriate. I'm one to stick up for fellow freaks but there's simply no reason to let people off the hook for bad behavior in my view. Having a misunderstood fetish is not a reason. There is nothing to misunderstand about being rude, and that's what that was.


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## butch (Oct 29, 2009)

Mack27 said:


> I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.
> 
> But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.



Mack27, come on now, leave your criticism of women at the door when you come into the BBW forum, and follow the rules.

Ashley is indeed all the things you mention, but that is beside the point of this thread and forum, and you're just stirring crap among the women of this board with your post. Because some interesting posts came up in response to your post, and kayrae (the OP) said the male responses are fine by her, I'm not deleting it, but future violations of the rules of the BBW forum could include infractions and banning.

How many times do the mods of this forum have to remind the men folk not to slag off on women when they post here? Speaking as a mod, but not as part of the BBW Forum mod team, I'd think the guys would have gotten it by now.


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## Tina (Oct 29, 2009)

Mack27 said:


> I wonder how many people who enjoy being called a fat tub of lard read this thread and were afraid to post. I bet there were a few anyway.
> 
> But not beautiful, confident, honest and intelligent Ashley, she just rocks.


Yes, Ashley rocks and no doubt about that whatsoever. 

I don't think, though, that we need a non-BBW coming in and violating the rules (please read them; they are at the top of this forum) and scolding the community members of this forum for their feelings. Were there not so many posts following yours, Mack, I'd just delete your post. But since there are many, and some excellent points to boot, I'll let it stay, but only as an example of what we do not allow here. Please do read the rules before posting again. Thank you. - Moderator


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## jewels_mystery (Oct 29, 2009)

joswitch said:


> Pull them up on it. Totally say - "Look I know that *you* might find that hot or complimentary. But *I don't*. Don't call me that 'tub of lard' thing. Never. Ever."
> 
> If there's a repeat offence - then dump 'em.



I agree with this. Personally I would also slow it down a bit and keep my eyes & ears wide open.


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## LisaInNC (Oct 29, 2009)

Hey!! Why was my post removed? I wasnt personally attacking anyone? I just made a point. :really sad:


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## katorade (Oct 29, 2009)

LisaInNC said:


> Hey!! Why was my post removed? I wasnt personally attacking anyone? I just made a point. :really sad:



Everything referencing that one post was removed. It was a good point, though!


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## Elfcat (Oct 29, 2009)

My parents never taught me to be mean to anyone. I learned it from my classmates. I guess that is my point. We all know what social diseases spread like wildfire in the school environment.


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## Tina (Oct 29, 2009)

Sorry, Lisa. If a post is removed then all posts quoting and directly responding to it go, too.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 1, 2009)

Elfcat said:


> My parents never taught me to be mean to anyone. I learned it from my classmates. I guess that is my point. We all know what social diseases spread like wildfire in the school environment.



Also it depends on the arena. I know not to expect much from drunks in a bar or chain smokers outside the psych ward at the McLean Hospital. Likewise if you're hanging around in a chat room titled "Fat Motherfuckers." There's no telling what will be said to you by someone you meet in there. They're going to assume you're down with whatever is going on in there and won't hesitate to sprawl out and say whatever they're thinking. I'd say if it happens more often then you'd like then you're probably hanging out with the wrong crowd. Then again, I rarely chat now because I got tired of the same lingo over and over. There are plenty of people acting out on the internet to make me a bit aprehensive about showing myself visible on Yahoo!


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## Tracyarts (Nov 2, 2009)

Well, it's one of two things...

- He meant it as an insult. Which means he is either just a garden variety asshole, or has a fetish for people whose bodies he finds repugnant in some way. 

- He meant it as a compliment. Which means he is just repeating something he heard or read in that genre of fat porn and thought it sounded hot, or he is socially awkward enough to not realize that most women would not understand that he is praising their body when he says something like that. 

How would I react? Depends on who it was, and whether or not they were worth putting any effort into trying to figure out which way they meant it. In most cases it would be just some random person I was talking to and I'd probably just stop talking to them because they really weren't anything to me and it'd be no big loss. If I knew they meant it as an insult, I'd probably tell them off. If I thought they were repeating something they read or heard in porn, I'd just stop talking to them and never tell them why because they'd probably get pissy and try and claim I was being prudish or not respecting their sexual orientation or something like that. But if I liked them and felt that they were really socially awkward and just didn't have a clue it wasn't the right thing to say, I'd explain that most women don't find that kind of talk sexy or complimentary and I didn't want to hear it again. 

I have no problem with socially awkward people making a faux pas, even a monumental one like calling a woman a fat tub of lard simply because they feel they are complimenting her. As long as they can understand why it was an insult, and don't keep doing it. Some people just have to have things like that pointed out to them. For whatever reason, I have wound up with more than my fair share of socially awkward friends and lovers over the course of my life, and I can very easily see how somebody might say something like that and genuinely not mean it as an insult. 

Tracy


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## JennyRiot (Nov 2, 2009)

I personally dig it.
I had a lover tell me once as he was kissing my belly... 

"You're so fucking fat."

Ahhhh That got me soooo hot. :wubu:


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## HeatherBBW (Nov 2, 2009)

Sugar said:


> Or maybe they understand that talk like that is best kept between partners that have discussed it and both want and enjoy it?
> 
> Not everyone feels that flying some sort of freak flag in public is called for...it's OK to keep somethings private.



Or maybe we are just sick and tired of people feeling "sorry" for us or think we are "brainwashed" if we do speak up and say we dig it.

I'm horrified for KayRae, as I can expect hearing that from someone out of the blue can be quite disturbing and off putting. Especially being she isn't into that sort of thing and she seems to be into the guy otherwise. I think her post wasn't looking for sympathy, but instead I think she wanted to know if this has happened to others and how they dealt with it if they weren't into it.

So yeah, there are chicks out there that are into that kind of fat talk. I actually call it "heatherporn" to those I share that part of my sexuality with. I'm actually the one who asks to be called such things. BUT, I have discussed it with my partner before getting to that point. 

That being said, I think that is where this guy dropped the ball. His only excuse is that he may have been overwhelmed. Not that it flies, but I've known many an FA who has been more then a child in a candy store with his first BBW who actually understands he likes her.. all of her. But if KayRae isn't into it and discusses it with him, if he repeats it, then he's a goner. Because mutual respect is key.

Speaking of mutual respect. I've spent the evening reading so many posts where people assume that girls that are into being fat, fatter or have extreme fantasies are considered victims and not bright enough to form their own fantasies. I'd like to respectfully ask that you respect my desires as my own and know that they weren't cultivated by some evil feeder. Alas, I'm totally getting off topic. So I'll end this here.

KayRae, I hope you were able to sort this out with this guy. It seems you were digging on him and I'm hoping you were able to correct his mistake by having an open conversation. <hugs>


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## Sugar (Nov 2, 2009)

HeatherBBW said:


> Or maybe we are just sick and tired of people feeling "sorry" for us or think we are "brainwashed" if we do speak up and say we dig it.
> 
> I'm horrified for KayRae, as I can expect hearing that from someone out of the blue can be quite disturbing and off putting. Especially being she isn't into that sort of thing and she seems to be into the guy otherwise. I think her post wasn't looking for sympathy, but I of course could be wrong. I think she wanted to know if this has happened to others and how they dealt with it if they weren't into it.
> 
> ...



I don't think anyone has voiced the opinion that those who enjoy that kind of talk are brainwashed. I know I haven't in any post. 

Again...my point to Mack who was being very rude and his posts have been removed was that this was about how to handle something like that.

Once again we all agree what the guy did was not cool.


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## HeatherBBW (Nov 2, 2009)

Sugar said:


> I don't think anyone has voiced the opinion that those who enjoy that kind of talk are brainwashed. I know I haven't in any post.



This wasn't directed towards you personally, but in response to your response to Mack as to why other girls who might be into it aren't posting.

My response is based on kool-aid references in this thread as well as the general innuendos or blatant finger pointing that goes on when any of us girls who actually are into being fat/fatter/weight gain that we don't think for ourselves, etc.

I will say though that I'm not a freak, nor do I own a flag. I took that a bit personal. But I've heard far worse and that's the problem


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## Sugar (Nov 2, 2009)

HeatherBBW said:


> This wasn't directed towards you personally, but in response to your response to Mack as to why other girls who might be into it aren't posting.
> 
> My response is based on kool-aid references in this post as well as the general innuendos or blatant finger pointing that goes on when any of us girls who actually are into being fat/fatter/weight gain that we don't think for ourselves, etc.
> 
> But once again, not meant for you personally.



My bad. Typically when someone quotes you...and doesn't say this is not about you...it's about you... :|


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## HeatherBBW (Nov 2, 2009)

Sugar said:


> My bad. Typically when someone quotes you...and doesn't say this is not about you...it's about you... :|



Well it was in line of conversation you were having with Mack. But as you'll see in my edited post above, I didn't dig the freak flag comment. So maybe that is what prompted me to hit the quote button so quickly.


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## Oirish (Nov 3, 2009)

Tracyarts said:


> Well, it's one of two things...
> 
> - He meant it as an insult. Which means he is either just a garden variety asshole, or has a fetish for people whose bodies he finds repugnant in some way.
> 
> ...





That's a very fair way of looking at the situation. I think it's perfectly understandable for most women to be horrified by this guy's comment. I can't imagine what would prompt someone to just assume it would be ok to blurt that out but in any case your reaction smacks of more generosity and patience than most people would display.


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## Lovelyone (Nov 3, 2009)

I've read this entire thread and I didn't see any personal attacks on anyone. I did see differing opinions and that is what this forum is all about. People,for the most part, have stated THIER personal opinion on whether or not this kind of behavior is something they could tolerate. I am not into the piggie foreplay. I dont like it at all--but if I can learn something about reading the forums--from someone who does like that kind of thing--then I feel it makes me a better person. That doesn't mean that I have to accept that kind of thing in my life..it just means that I can learn to be more tolerant of people who DO accept it into their lives. 

Personally, I find it appauling that ANYONE would use those terms in any kind of foreplay, but that is MY opinion. Those terms and phrases have been used in such a derogatory manner to me in the past that I would find it disturbing enough to probably end a relationship if someone didn't respect that I didn't like that type of talk. The op found it distrubing and wanted to know how others felt about it. People gave their opinions. No harm, no foul.

YOU have your opinion and you are perfectly entitled to it, just as Sugar, Heather, Tooz, myself, and all the rest of the posters have a right to their opinion. That's not to say that anyone is right and anyone is wrong. There are too many differing views on the subject to state that. Can't we just say that its somewhat of an aquired taste and not all of the fat people in this community would like to hear something like that in the throes of passion? It's perfectly fine if YOU like it..and your partner is in agreement. I think that the issue comes into play when it is used without even a discussion about whether BOTH parties are interested in that type of talk, which in my OPINION is a conversation to be had BEFORE something like that is said not after. Its just simple consideration.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 3, 2009)

Lovelyone said:


> I've read this entire thread and I didn't see any personal attacks on anyone. I did see differing opinions and that is what this forum is all about. People,for the most part, have stated THIER personal opinion on whether or not this kind of behavior is something they could tolerate. I am not into the piggie foreplay. I dont like it at all--but if I can learn something about reading the forums--from someone who does like that kind of thing--then I feel it makes me a better person. That doesn't mean that I have to accept that kind of thing in my life..it just means that I can learn to be more tolerant of people who DO accept it into their lives.
> 
> Personally, I find it appauling that ANYONE would use those terms in any kind of foreplay, but that is MY opinion. Those terms and phrases have been used in such a derogatory manner to me in the past that I would find it disturbing enough to probably end a relationship if someone didn't respect that I didn't like that type of talk. The op found it distrubing and wanted to know how others felt about it. People gave their opinions. No harm, no foul.
> 
> YOU have your opinion and you are perfectly entitled to it, just as Sugar, Heather, Tooz, myself, and all the rest of the posters have a right to their opinion. That's not to say that anyone is right and anyone is wrong. There are too many differing views on the subject to state that. Can't we just say that its somewhat of an aquired taste and not all of the fat people in this community would like to hear something like that in the throes of passion? It's perfectly fine if YOU like it..and your partner is in agreement. I think that the issue comes into play when it is used without even a discussion about whether BOTH parties are interested in that type of talk, which in my OPINION is a conversation to be had BEFORE something like that is said not after. Its just simple consideration.



This is almost like a guy who brings home a fat girlfriend and a relative rises from the table and in front of everyone says, "She's a fat tub of lard! I don't understand how anyone can like that." Would not the other guy take that as a personal insult or attack? The only people who would not see it that way are those who share the relative's opinion and feel that the FA needs to be curtailed and shown the err of his ways. 

This has wandered ever so slightly in to red herring territory but I think what you have here are people who have a liking for "fat lard" talk feeling a bit marginalized when you have more than one person opine that taking pleasure in being called that in the heat of passion means there is something wrong with them. This may indeed be your opinion but you must understand that this doesn't mean your opinion is "right" or that it isn't inflammatory or insulting. I don't think anyone was saying that kayrae should just shut up and take it. The incident has been condemned across the board by everyone from what I can see. The true issue here is weather or not people who do like this kind of intimate play should just shut up and take it when someone implies that their tastes are wrong simply because we don't share them. Can we at least conced that such things aren't everyones cup of tea without going in to "OZMG" territory?


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## superodalisque (Nov 3, 2009)

HeatherBBW said:


> This wasn't directed towards you personally, but in response to your response to Mack as to why other girls who might be into it aren't posting.
> 
> My response is based on kool-aid references in this thread as well as the general innuendos or blatant finger pointing that goes on when any of us girls who actually are into being fat/fatter/weight gain that we don't think for ourselves, etc.
> 
> I will say though that I'm not a freak, nor do I own a flag. I took that a bit personal. But I've heard far worse and that's the problem



i agree with your points. i don't think its fair to have the "freak" word thrown around people who have a particular interest. i personally don't think having a fetish makes a person a freak. i don't really think human beings are freaks just because they are individuals and like something that might not be the common thing. that word reduces the understanding between people and divides folks into the us and them camp. the word freak tends to place some kind of value judgement on people that i don't think is appropriate either. i think people glossed over the fact that Ashley said from the beginning that a person should in the best case scenario ask his partner first before he got into that-- pretty much the same as what everyone else has been saying. there was nothing wrong with her point of clarification about the fact that some people like those terms and you can't automatically assume its going to be an insult to everybody. the prejudice people feel about the idea of this particular fetish probably kept them from paying close attention to exactly what she said because they were so interested in showing thier own personal distaste. maybe people forget how freakish some people find it to be as fat as we all are are in the first place, or how freakish it might seem to other people that folks admire that. i still find it interesting that people are willing to point out the freaks when they themselves understand the hurt laying that kind of stigma on somebody can cause. maybe before we use words like that we should think about it first. unless we are okay with having the freak finger pointed back at us. personally i think its much more "freakish" to be fat and not like it than to be fat just because you want to be. maybe people who don't like being fat need to gain some kind of control over thier bodies and stop putting thier insecurities onto people who do like themselves fat. 

having said that i have to be fair and say that some of the hostile words also come from when people tire of those who try to force things down thier throat even when they aren't interested or ready on this site. i don't think it happens publicly in the forums so much but it happens privately a lot. i know i have been contacted privately by people who'd like to enlist me in online fantasies that i'm not interested in. i actually have a few interests of my own believe it or not. and instead of accepting a polite "sorry but thats not my thing" they kept trying to push it with irritating persitance. i know i might be thier ideal fantasy etc... but i'm also my own person and i belong to me. i don't exist soley to fulfill someone else's fantasies. sometimes i get treated as though that is the case. but i really think those are very small percentage of people on here. all people who are into gaining feeding etc... people don't deserve to be painted with a broad brush. it can't hurt to respect other people in the way you'd like to be anyway. that goes for both groups.

but truthfully, no one should make assumptions about another person's wishes. everyone should be careful of one another's feelings. just because i respect people with differing interests it does not give them carte blanche to say anything they like to anyone they like. the guy should have been more careful. thats just respectful. this is a good discussion and hopefully it will help some guys to understand and not come off as inept when they have future encounters with women they are attracted to. 

View attachment freaks01.jpg


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## Oirish (Nov 3, 2009)

Sure, I don't think anyone would disagree with you on the prevalence of people here who find gaining sexy (I count myself among them even). I think the point of thos thread has been that the individual in question had not "stayed within the constraints of the talk" which the op was comfortable with. I have not noticed anyone being attacted on this thread for their personal preferences. I haven't read each and every post here so please let me know if I'm wrong in that regard. I hope not because that would be quite aweful. Most of the criticism I have read directed toward the person who called The op a "fat tub of lard" is critical of his lack of tact. Testing boundaries is one thing but using a phrase with such negative connotation in the general populace in such a way without talking about what those boundaries are is foolhardy and the mark of a grade A dumbass. It doesn't matter what revs your engine, if it's on the kinky side (or HIGHLY PROBABLE to offend them) just check. I don't k ow how this would be a revolutionary thought in the slightest.


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## Oirish (Nov 3, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> This is almost like a guy who brings home a fat girlfriend and a relative rises from the table and in front of everyone says, "She's a fat tub of lard! I don't understand how anyone can like that." Would not the other guy take that as a personal insult or attack? The only people who would not see it that way are those who share the relative's opinion and feel that the FA needs to be curtailed and shown the err of his ways.
> 
> This has wandered ever so slightly in to red herring territory but I think what you have here are people who have a liking for "fat lard" talk feeling a bit marginalized when you have more than one person opine that taking pleasure in being called that in the heat of passion means there is something wrong with them. This may indeed be your opinion but you must understand that this doesn't mean your opinion is "right" or that it isn't inflammatory or insulting. I don't think anyone was saying that kayrae should just shut up and take it. The incident has been condemned across the board by everyone from what I can see. The true issue here is weather or not people who do like this kind of intimate play should just shut up and take it when someone implies that their tastes are wrong simply because we don't share them. Can we at
> least conced that such things aren't everyones cup of tea without going in to "OZMG" territory?





Didn't Lovelyone just say pretty much the same thing? Did you mean to quote her? To each there own seemed to be the point of her post from what I read.


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## Oirish (Nov 3, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i agree with your points. i don't think its fair to have the "freak" word thrown around people who have a particular interest. i personally don't think having a fetish makes a person a freak. i don't really think human beings are freaks just because they are individuals and like something that might not be the common thing. that word reduces the understanding between people and divides folks into the us and them camp. the word freak tends to place some kind of value judgement on people that i don't think is appropriate either. i think people glossed over the fact that Ashley said from the beginning that a person should in the best case scenario ask his partner first before he got into that-- pretty much the same as what everyone else has been saying. there was nothing wrong with her point of clarification about the fact that some people like those terms and you can't automatically assume its going to be an insult to everybody. the prejudice people feel about the idea of this particular fetish probably kept them from
> paying close attention to exactly what she said because they were so interested in showing thier own personal distaste. maybe people forget how freakish some people find it to be as fat as we all are are in the first place, or how freakish it might seem to other people that folks admire that. i still find it interesting that people are willing to point out the freaks when they themselves understand the hurt laying that kind of stigma on somebody can cause. maybe before we use words like that we should think about it first. unless we are okay with having the freak finger pointed back at us. personally i think its much more "freakish" to be fat and not like it than to be fat just because you want to be. maybe people who don't like being fat need to gain
> some kind of control over thier bodies and stop putting thier insecurities onto people who do like themselves fat.
> 
> ...




Very well said.


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## Paquito (Nov 3, 2009)

*takes a Tylenol*

This is not about people who like name calling about their weight and find it sexy. This is not about people who think that anyone who likes the name calling has no self esteem and deep personal issues. 

This is about someone crossing the line when meeting someone new. With no knowledge of their kinks, their likes, or their dislikes, just spouting out whatever turns them on, with no regard for her personal feelings. And even though I personally love name-calling (seriously, calling me a fat tub of lard would ger my rocks off), I would feel very uncomfortable if Ms. Random Mofo decided to call me names without having met her before.

Respect boundaries that are set up. If you have common sense, it's a no brainer.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 3, 2009)

Eh just think like I do.....that clown is lucky he said it online or I'd be stabbing me some bitch right about now!!!!! :wubu: :smitten: :kiss2: :bow: :happy:


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 4, 2009)

Oirish said:


> Didn't Lovelyone just say pretty much the same thing? Did you mean to quote her? To each there own seemed to be the point of her post from what I read.



It appears to me that a lot of folks are puzzled as to why so many "fat tub" lovers are rasing cane in here about being personally offended. No one seems to see where the offense is taken. My point was merely to point it out and draw a paralell as to why what one views as merely an opinion can be viewed as offensive by others.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 4, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i agree with your points. i don't think its fair to have the "freak" word thrown around people who have a particular interest. i personally don't think having a fetish makes a person a freak. i don't really think human beings are freaks just because they are individuals and like something that might not be the common thing. that word reduces the understanding between people and divides folks into the us and them camp. the word freak tends to place some kind of value judgement on people that i don't think is appropriate either. i think people glossed over the fact that Ashley said from the beginning that a person should in the best case scenario ask his partner first before he got into that-- pretty much the same as what everyone else has been saying. there was nothing wrong with her point of clarification about the fact that some people like those terms and you can't automatically assume its going to be an insult to everybody. the prejudice people feel about the idea of this particular fetish probably kept them from paying close attention to exactly what she said because they were so interested in showing thier own personal distaste. maybe people forget how freakish some people find it to be as fat as we all are are in the first place, or how freakish it might seem to other people that folks admire that. i still find it interesting that people are willing to point out the freaks when they themselves understand the hurt laying that kind of stigma on somebody can cause. maybe before we use words like that we should think about it first. unless we are okay with having the freak finger pointed back at us. *personally i think its much more "freakish" to be fat and not like it than to be fat just because you want to be. maybe people who don't like being fat need to gain some kind of control over thier bodies and stop putting thier insecurities onto people who do like themselves fat.
> 
> having said that i have to be fair and say that some of the hostile words also come from when people tire of those who try to force things down thier throat even when they aren't interested or ready on this site. * i don't think it happens publicly in the forums so much but it happens privately a lot. i know i have been contacted privately by people who'd like to enlist me in online fantasies that i'm not interested in. i actually have a few interests of my own believe it or not. and instead of accepting a polite "sorry but thats not my thing" they kept trying to push it with irritating persitance. i know i might be thier ideal fantasy etc... but i'm also my own person and i belong to me. i don't exist soley to fulfill someone else's fantasies. sometimes i get treated as though that is the case. but i really think those are very small percentage of people on here. all people who are into gaining feeding etc... people don't deserve to be painted with a broad brush. it can't hurt to respect other people in the way you'd like to be anyway. that goes for both groups.
> 
> but truthfully, no one should make assumptions about another person's wishes. everyone should be careful of one another's feelings. just because i respect people with differing interests it does not give them carte blanche to say anything they like to anyone they like. the guy should have been more careful. thats just respectful. this is a good discussion and hopefully it will help some guys to understand and not come off as inept when they have future encounters with women they are attracted to.



I don't mean to keep drawing the focus away from the original intent of this thread but I seem to keep coming back to this...I agree with a lot of what you've said however I have to say that I think the statement I bolded above is a bit unfair. There are many people who have aspects of their body or appearance that they would like to change or improve. Wanting longer legs, bigger boobs, a smaller waist, etc. is natural and not freakish at all. When it begins to interfere with the ability to function or live one's life that is when it becomes problematic. This can be the case for anybody though, not just those who want to be lose or gain. Taking control of one's body one way or the other obviously comes with mixed reviews here. I'm hoping that we can all at least learn to respect each other's choices though we might not agree with them. Some are more willing than others though and as a result many people feel unsafe about stating something as simple as, "I'm privately working to lose/gain," void of the fear of being harshly questioned and criticized.

As for the bugaboo FAs who carry on with solicitations despite your wishes, I don't think anyone is really a fan of that here. It is a bit of a double standard though to condemn thier behavior yet rest comfortabley in blaming them for our own. Everybody has an excuse.


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I don't mean to keep drawing the focus away from the original intent of this thread but I seem to keep coming back to this...I agree with a lot of what you've said however I have to say that I think the statement I bolded above is a bit unfair. There are many people who have aspects of their body or appearance that they would like to change or improve. Wanting longer legs, bigger boobs, a smaller waist, etc. is natural and not freakish at all. When it begins to interfere with the ability to function or live one's life that is when it becomes problematic. This can be the case for anybody though, not just those who want to be lose or gain. Taking control of one's body one way or the other obviously comes with mixed reviews here. I'm hoping that we can all at least learn to respect each other's choices though we might not agree with them. Some are more willing than others though and as a result many people feel unsafe about stating something as simple as, "I'm privately working to lose/gain," void of the fear of being harshly questioned and criticized.
> 
> As for the bugaboo FAs who carry on with solicitations despite your wishes, I don't think anyone is really a fan of that here. It is a bit of a double standard though to condemn thier behavior yet rest comfortabley in blaming them for our own. Everybody has an excuse.



i see your points and they are good ones but i think you misread the intent of what i said. if someone is working to lose weight to reach thier preference or gain weight to reach thier preference they are taking control. i really admire that they have a goal and are going for it. thats a whole lot different than being one thing, wishing to be another and not doing anything about it. and worse yet criticizing people for wanting to be something you don't understand because it may not be our own personal taste. people are on thier own journey. we might have our opinions but thier journey is not ours and everyone should be allowed to evolve in thier own way. as well as what we think we know today may not be true tomorrow as things change. i think we just have to be careful about assuming that our reality and comfort level is everyone else's and we need to respect that fact just like we want our postion respected. so labeling people freak isn't constructive to anyone especialy when we all could be someone's freak. 

in the case of weight thats way more malleable than having longer or shorter legs. i think we just need to be more honest about that and maybe people won't feel so helpless in thier situations. i mean that maybe the community needs to start having some confidence in a BBWs or SSBBWs ability to control her life even though its a very difficult challenge for most people. but i don't think we've been helping people much by agreeing with them that they are out of control of thier own bodies and there is no help for them in any direction they want to go in. everything basically comes down to choices for the most part. people make a lot of choices both good and bad. but its interesting that people seem to forget that they could have made some in thier life while they are finger pointing at everyone else. the only person you can control is yourself. 

i really liked Kayrae's question because it was all about determining how she could manage her issue in the future. she was taking control of the fact that something happened that made her a bit uncomfortable and trying to establish where it fell on her line and what she would do about it if it came up again. thats great. its a far cry from a quiet miserable acceptance fo things not kosher for her. i'm very proud of her for dealing with it instead f sweeping it under the rug as has been done in the past in the name of not hurting an FAs feelings--while we assume we know what those feelings would be without asking. 

as for rude behavior, i thnk everyone has to be held responsible for that as well. unless someone has been living in a cave they have no excuse when it comes to saying something that might more often than not hurt someone's feelings. it would be like a white person affectionately calling someone a ****** when they don't know them well. most black people won't take to that. most white people know and respect that and act accordingly. if they cross the line its either out of hostility or because its more important for them to fulfill some kind of fantasy they have about black culture that has nothing to do with reality. it has nothing whatsoever to do with respecting the other person if you don't value them and thier feelings enough to ask if its okay first. so i have every comfort in making an FA responsible for his behavior. being an FA does not have to mean you are mentally inept. i think i'd be disrespecting FAs if i acted as though they were incapable of being thoughtful considerate members of society. many are and even the people who make misteps are often on their way to being. 

you are right, everyone has an excuse. maybe there are too many excuses on here. people on all sides seem to be running from the results or the impact of what they do or have done. and there are a lot of people who seem to be happy to help them. maybe its time we start to face up honestly to what we all do for our own sakes. lying to ourselves doesn't do much except keep us uncomfortably in the same place in general. i worry about people trying to enlist others in trying to make themselves comfortable in staying in the same place where their own goals are concerned. change might be difficult but its necessary and its usually way more constructive and way more positive than trying to make it comfortable to just stay where one is. hopefully everyone's goal is to take one more lil baby step toward thier own goal and thier own personal happiness everyday.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 4, 2009)

I agree with you, and thank you for clarifying. As for weight loss/gain being malleable I have mixed feelings about that. There is no disputing that weight loss/gain is not easy. It takes time, patience, dilligence, long suffereing, lots of things over an extended period of time to achieve. If I wanted longer legs my situation is just as easily malleable with a pair of high heels. There's surely no way you're going to get me to wear a pair though. That has little to do with personal choice or lack of discipline and more to do with an aversion to searing bloodcurdling pains shooting through my entire body with every step and turn of the ankle. There are plenty of people who do it though and are very happy. The heart of the matter for me is I'm just not comfortable with making broad statements about what is malleable for individuals without walking in their shoes. (Sorry for all these shoe puns) Weight loss and weight gain are not as malleable for some as it is for others. 




superodalisque said:


> i see your points and they are good ones but i think you misread the intent of what i said. if someone is working to lose weight to reach thier preference or gain weight to reach thier preference they are taking control. i really admire that they have a goal and are going for it. thats a whole lot different than being one thing, wishing to be another and not doing anything about it. and worse yet criticizing people for wanting to be something you don't understand because it may not be our own personal taste. people are on thier own journey. we might have our opinions but thier journey is not ours and everyone should be allowed to evolve in thier own way. as well as what we think we know today may not be true tomorrow as things change. i think we just have to be careful about assuming that our reality and comfort level is everyone else's and we need to respect that fact just like we want our postion respected. so labeling people freak isn't constructive to anyone especialy when we all could be someone's freak.
> 
> in the case of weight thats way more malleable than having longer or shorter legs. i think we just need to be more honest about that and maybe people won't feel so helpless in thier situations. i mean that maybe the community needs to start having some confidence in a BBWs or SSBBWs ability to control her life even though its a very difficult challenge for most people. but i don't think we've been helping people much by agreeing with them that they are out of control of thier own bodies and there is no help for them in any direction they want to go in. everything basically comes down to choices for the most part. people make a lot of choices both good and bad. but its interesting that people seem to forget that they could have made some in thier life while they are finger pointing at everyone else. the only person you can control is yourself.
> 
> ...


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> I agree with you, and thank you for clarifying. As for weight loss/gain being malleable I have mixed feelings about that. There is no disputing that weight loss/gain is not easy. It takes time, patience, dilligence, long suffereing, lots of things over an extended period of time to achieve. If I wanted longer legs my situation is just as easily malleable with a pair of high heels. There's surely no way you're going to get me to wear a pair though. That has little to do with personal choice or lack of discipline and more to do with an aversion to searing bloodcurdling pains shooting through my entire body with every step and turn of the ankle. There are plenty of people who do it though and are very happy. The heart of the matter for me is I'm just not comfortable with making broad statements about what is malleable for individuals without walking in their shoes. (Sorry for all these shoe puns) Weight loss and weight gain are not as malleable for some as it is for others.



i agree with that. i just like to acknowledge the fact that things are possible. it comes from remembering the days when BBWs or SSBBWs mentioned doing things for thier health etc... and people chimed in about how impossible it was. i don't think they need to be bombarded by that kind of thinking anymore. just like i don't like the idea of saying that people have to have detrimental health issues if they gain. those are blanket statements as well. if i blanket i'd rather it be pro what someone truly wants than con. i just want people to know that someone believes in them, thier choices and thier ability to achieve whatever it is they want to achieve. then maybe they won't feel like its a hopeless cause to remain or be healthy, happy and in charge.


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## Fascinita (Nov 4, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> The true issue here is weather or not people who do like this kind of intimate play should just shut up and take it when someone implies that their tastes are wrong simply because we don't share them. Can we at least conced that such things aren't everyones cup of tea without going in to "OZMG" territory?



Lilly, there are many parts of the board where everyone else's needs come first. This is a board for BBW to express their thoughts and experiences. It is a protected board.

Whether those ideas expressed by BBW hurt someone else's feelings or not is not the issue. Posts that break general Dimensions rules or BBW Forum rules should be reported to the mods. Otherwise, if it's expressed by a BBW, it's protected. Period.

You may feel like you, as a BBW, want to give your own perspective on an issue. Some BBW did just that. That is also protected. Disruptive, torpid commentary from non-BBW is not.


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Lilly, there are many parts of the board where everyone else's needs come first. This is a board for BBW to express their thoughts and experiences. It is a protected board.
> 
> Whether those ideas expressed by BBW hurt someone else's feelings or not is not the issue. Posts that break general Dimensions rules or BBW Forum rules should be reported to the mods. Otherwise, if it's expressed by a BBW, it's protected. Period.
> 
> You may feel like you, as a BBW, want to give your own perspective on an issue. Some BBW did just that. That is also protected. Disruptive, torpid commentary from non-BBW is not.



i agree with you about people having the right to thier opinion. but i think the problem in this thread occurred way before an FA joined the convo. i feel it started when Ashley's post was willfully misinterpreted by a few folks because they may not agree with what she might be personally interested in or stand for in thier minds. they refused to read what she said and see how there was nothing in it that disagreed at all with what most of the opinions have been anyway. people need to leave thier axes and the grinders they come with out of honest discussions since no one is asking thier opinion about whether people should prefer what they prefer anyway. its about time to stop taking license to judge other people on things that are a) should be none of your concern b) no one asked your opinion about. if a person asks a question in an honest and respecful way thats one thing but just putting a value judgement on other people just because you don't understand or relate to everything about them is not kosher.it gets tiresome when people here always think they have to divide up into some kind of camp and fight it out when they want to discuss things. the people here are not thier enemies. they are just other people.


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## Sugar (Nov 4, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i agree with you about people having the right to thier opinion. but i think the problem in this thread occurred way before an FA joined the convo. i feel it started when Ashley's post was willfully misinterpreted by a few folks because they may not agree with what she might be personally interested in or stand for in thier minds. they refused to read what she said and see how there was nothing in it that disagreed at all with what most of the opinions have been anyway. people need to leave thier axes and the grinders they come with out of honest discussions since no one is asking thier opinion about whether people should prefer what they prefer anyway. its about time to stop taking license to judge other people on things that are * a) should be none of your concern b) no one asked your opinion about.* if a person asks a question in an honest and respecful way thats one thing but just putting a value judgement on other people just because you don't understand or relate to everything about them is not kosher.



I agree that people should back down on the judgment. I personally make no judgments on posters that confirm they enjoy this kind of talk. I know that there were a couple of posters that said some absurd things claiming a lack of self esteem for enjoying this talk...and that is rubbish. OTOH, when you share with the masses your kinks when they weren't asked for...you may very well hear about it. 

The fact is we all use judgment every single day from small things that keep us safe to big things that help shape our future to hurtful things that affect other's feelings. 

Perhaps it's more of a time/place issue. I'm guilty of talking about "issues" in a non-issue thread. That being said this thread was more about how to handle it and less about what does everyone like. 

At this point I feel I'm rambling and perhaps we're saying the same thing?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

Holy shit....I just now realized that this IS the protected BBW board thanks to Fasc.....

All the nasty bashing against women that dare to speak their thoughts had me thinking it is the weight board. 

Christ.


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## Sugar (Nov 4, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Holy shit....I just now realized that this IS the protected BBW board thanks to Fasc.....
> 
> All the nasty bashing against women that dare to speak their thoughts had me thinking it is the weight board.
> 
> Christ.



Yes, we owe Fasc a huge thank you...and hopefully at some point someone will step in and stop the insanity of non-bbw's telling people what's what.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

Sugar said:


> Yes, we owe Fasc a huge thank you...and hopefully at some point someone will step in and stop the insanity of non-bbw's telling people what's what.



Why don't we tell them what they tell us everywhere....even on our own board now....don't like it, don't read it otherwise known as GTFO.


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## Santaclear (Nov 4, 2009)

Let the men handle this.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Let the men handle this.



Yeah, a lot of them always seem to be "handling" something around here.....


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## Sugar (Nov 4, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Let the men handle this.



I'm out of rep and you made me spit water all over. :happy:


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## mossystate (Nov 4, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Let the men handle this.



Swoon.

:bow:


:bow:


:bow:


:bow:


:bow:


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2009)

Santaclear said:


> Let the men handle this.



are you going to take the bad boy out to the woodshed sir?


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## Fascinita (Nov 4, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> its about time to stop taking license to judge other people on things that are a) should be none of your concern b) no one asked your opinion about.



I don't mean to belabor this, supero... But what you're calling for here *is* for people to silence themselves... isn't it?

Asking--or demanding, as we've seen happen here--BBW to silence themselves is against the spirit and the rules of this forum. 

There are rules in this forum and on Dims at large. If someone is breaking them, they should be reported to the mods. Otherwise, this is a board for BBW to express their ideas, feelings, opinions, to talk about their experiences. If some of those ideas are "judgmental," we can enter into conversations that challenge those judgments politely, even as we respect the spirit and rules of the forum. 

It may be politically incorrect at Dimensions to "judge" those who enjoy humiliation, but in this BBW Forum, the lived and embodied experiences of *ALL* fat women trump those concerns. We want to uphold the right of *every* fat woman to express her side of things, as long as she respects forum rules. No reason the experiences of a few women should mean that other women don't get to have or express their own views.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

Yeah, it is getting pretty damn annoying that we're getting told to shut up even on the BBW forum now.

How about some people bite my ass already?


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> And yet, what you're calling for here *is* for people to silence themselves.
> 
> Asking--or demanding, as we've seen happen here--BBW to silence themselves is against the spirit and the rules of this forum.
> 
> ...



its odd. hardly anyone disagrees about the basics of Kayraes question but we have to find something to take sides on maybe we should just get back to the original question


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## cinnamitch (Nov 4, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yeah, it is getting pretty damn annoying that we're getting told to shut up even on the BBW forum now.
> 
> How about some people bite my ass already?



Oooh oooh pick me pick me :eat2:


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

cinnamitch said:


> Oooh oooh pick me pick me :eat2:



Would you like fries with that? :batting:


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## Elfcat (Nov 4, 2009)

Some of the writers mentioned a "Piggy" reference.

This is a stretch to be sure, but a lot of us are part of the Jim Henson generation, and of course one major fixture of the story of the Muppets which was part of a lot of our childhood entertainment was the stormy relationship of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. I myself was called "Kermit" by a few of the girls in school. It could well have been code for what they almost certainly would have seen about the girls that were catching my eye. And I've certainly heard a fat gal reciting a MissPiggyism from time to time. _*"Moi?" *_


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## Fascinita (Nov 4, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> its odd. hardly anyone disagrees about the basics of Kayraes question but we have to find something to take sides on maybe we should just get back to the original question



Yeah, I thought it was ironic that, in a thread that was about a woman who felt some boundaries had been transgressed, the boundaries of the forum itself were suddenly being transgressed.

It's just important to make it clear that women get to have opinions and ideas, too.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

Yeah, I have also been called piggy by people other than the asshat I mentioned in my previous post. They definitely weren't talking about the cute muppets.....no doubt about it. 

It was meant as derogatory.....it was humiliation play.....but it's not _play_ if it's done without permission. Bottom line.




Elfcat said:


> Some of the writers mentioned a "Piggy" reference.
> 
> This is a stretch to be sure, but a lot of us are part of the Jim Henson generation, and of course one major fixture of the story of the Muppets which was part of a lot of our childhood entertainment was the stormy relationship of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. I myself was called "Kermit" by a few of the girls in school. It could well have been code for what they almost certainly would have seen about the girls that were catching my eye. And I've certainly heard a fat gal reciting a MissPiggyism from time to time. _*"Moi?" *_


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Yeah, I thought it was ironic that, in a thread that was about a woman who felt some boundaries had been transgressed, the boundaries of the forum itself were suddenly being transgressed.
> 
> It's just important to make it clear that women get to have opinions and ideas, too.



all of that stuff was removed before i ever read it so i didn't comment on any of that


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 4, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> It's just important to make it clear that women get to have opinions and ideas, too.



It's annoying as hell that women's bodies come with brains inside.


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## cinnamitch (Nov 4, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yeah, I have also been called piggy by people other than the asshat I mentioned in my previous post. They definitely weren't talking about the cute muppets.....no doubt about it.
> 
> It was meant as derogatory.....it was humiliation play.....but it's not _play_ if it's done without permission. Bottom line.



Thats the truth. Do not ever assume you can call me anything that gets your dick hard, just because you THINK it's ok. If someone called me a tub o lard, a canister of Crisco, a bucket of butter or any other cutsie pie " exciting" endearments, my lil ol fat greasy ass would be out of there right after i slapped his teeth to the back of his head.


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## Fascinita (Nov 4, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It was meant as derogatory.....it was humiliation play.....but it's not _play_ if it's done without permission. Bottom line.



I don't think it can be said any better than this.


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## Tina (Nov 5, 2009)

*I would like to post a reminder that this is the BBW board. Note the focus and read the rules.* 

In fact, let's revisit the original post, shall we?



kayrae said:


> So you're talking to an FA. He's digging you. You're digging him. He's telling you a lot of nice things: You're so hot, sexy, gorgeous, [insert choice compliment here]. Then he becomes even more specific: I love your back fat. Your belly's so round and beautiful. Your stretchmarks really turn me on. I love your fat.
> 
> Then he says, "You're such a fat tub of lard." THIS IS A COMPLIMENT.
> 
> *What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?*


That was the question. The question was not "are you offended by it?" but "What do you do when you're complimented with words you personally find offensive? How do you respond?"

There is a whole area of protected forums where Erotic Weightgain can be discussed. Feeding itself has many, many threads devoted to it. Those would be the more appropriate areas for 'sharing feelings' about how you like to be fed, etc. Also, those who are *non-BBW* and are posting in violation of the rules (you'll know that I mean you because your post/s have likely been removed) need to read *the rules of this forum* before posting further. - Moderator


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## Lovelyone (Nov 5, 2009)

hmmm, I dont see your point. I just stated my opinion and even went as far as to say that eventhough its not something I dont like, it doesnt mean that its wrong for those who do like it. I don't see what's the problem. Might be a good idea to re-read that original post I submitted. Cos I didnt think that I said anything offensive. In fact I thought I was being fairly open-minded to the oppositions fondness of the (as you call it) "fat tub" verse, and stayed rather neutral in what I had to say--of course with the exception that it just isn't for me. 



LillyBBBW said:


> It appears to me that a lot of folks are puzzled as to why so many "fat tub" lovers are rasing cane in here about being personally offended. No one seems to see where the offense is taken. My point was merely to point it out and draw a paralell as to why what one views as merely an opinion can be viewed as offensive by others.


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## mergirl (Nov 5, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Holy shit....I just now realized that this IS the protected BBW board thanks to Fasc.....
> 
> All the nasty bashing against women that dare to speak their thoughts had me thinking it is the weight board.
> 
> Christ.


HOLY FUCK you are right!!! 
Seriously..i had forgotten.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 5, 2009)

Lovelyone said:


> hmmm, I dont see your point. I just stated my opinion and even went as far as to say that eventhough its not something I dont like, it doesnt mean that its wrong for those who do like it. I don't see what's the problem. Might be a good idea to re-read that original post I submitted. Cos I didnt think that I said anything offensive. In fact I thought I was being fairly open-minded to the oppositions fondness of the (as you call it) "fat tub" verse, and stayed rather neutral in what I had to say--of course with the exception that it just isn't for me.



You opened your post by stating, _"I've read this entire thread and I didn't see any personal attacks on anyone." _ Maybe I should have bolded that portion because that's what I was responding to. I was highlighting the reason people are reacting as if being personally offended and ended with a rhetorical question. I was never accusing you of anything. My apologies if it was interpreted that way.


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## Lovelyone (Nov 5, 2009)

Thank you so much for clearing that up Lilly. I admit I was slightly confused--but not offended in the least--as to which part of my post you were referring.Tha's why I asked. No apologies needed. Your thoughts and postings (at least to me) are interesting and have always offered up food for thought. Thanks again.

and as to the question originally asked by the op about what to do in that situation...I think that you have the right to stop everything, explain to the person how what they said may have thrown you off guard. I think that clear comjunication is always key in every type of situation. It could have been that he was just "testing the waters" as it were. He may have not known what your feelings were on the subject and didn't know how to approach it, and/or he just didnt care. In either case, had there been some type of communication either before or after--it would give both of you a chance to examine the situation and decide whether or not it was right for the both of you. 




LillyBBBW said:


> You opened your post by stating, _"I've read this entire thread and I didn't see any personal attacks on anyone." _Maybe I should have bolded that portion because that's what I was responding to. I was highlighting the reason people are reacting as if being personally offended and ended with a rhetorical question. I was never accusing you of anything. My apologies if it was interpreted that way.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 6, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Lilly, there are many parts of the board where everyone else's needs come first. This is a board for BBW to express their thoughts and experiences. It is a protected board.
> 
> Whether those ideas expressed by BBW hurt someone else's feelings or not is not the issue. Posts that break general Dimensions rules or BBW Forum rules should be reported to the mods. Otherwise, if it's expressed by a BBW, it's protected. Period.
> 
> You may feel like you, as a BBW, want to give your own perspective on an issue. Some BBW did just that. That is also protected. Disruptive, torpid commentary from non-BBW is not.



Of course you are exactly right. I just want to clarify that I was not at all condoning some of the belt-loop swaggering that has been going on in this board. Even when on some level here and there I've felt some agreement I'm just as irritated with the tone and the scoldings as everyone else. I think that if people find it beneath them to remove their hat, wipe their feet and treat the people here with respect then they don't need to be skittering around in here in the first place, that's just my opinion.

What I am saying is that I think it is unwise to assume imperialism when it comes to expressing our views. For example, if someone innocently expresses a negative opinon of paysite models and their motives. Though I may strongly object, on this board I would do so in a respectful manner even if it means taking a few deep breaths before doing so. It seems only fair that this should be required conduct for ALL of us, not just the men, not just the feedees, not just the people who disagree. If I respond with, "WTFFFF!!!! " I should be called on it and not allowed to slap people up unchecked just because I'm a BBW. I've been called fourth here in this very thread myself a few times. Why shouldnt I be? I mean I know this isn't Sunnybrook Farm or anything but I think it's worth the effort to at least try to coexist among people of differing pursuasions. 




Lovelyone said:


> Thank you so much for clearing that up Lilly. I admit I was slightly confused--but not offended in the least--as to which part of my post you were referring.Tha's why I asked. No apologies needed. Your thoughts and postings (at least to me) are interesting and have always offered up food for thought. Thanks again.
> 
> and as to the question originally asked by the op about what to do in that situation...I think that you have the right to stop everything, explain to the person how what they said may have thrown you off guard. I think that clear comjunication is always key in every type of situation. It could have been that he was just "testing the waters" as it were. He may have not known what your feelings were on the subject and didn't know how to approach it, and/or he just didnt care. In either case, had there been some type of communication either before or after--it would give both of you a chance to examine the situation and decide whether or not it was right for the both of you.



*sigh* I miss you. :wubu:


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## kayrae (Nov 8, 2009)

Conclusion: I told him I didn't like it. He said he won't do it again. End scene.


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## HeatherBBW (Nov 9, 2009)

kayrae said:


> Conclusion: I told him I didn't like it. He said he won't do it again. End scene.



Looks for "Like This" icon.. blah wrong webpage!

So instead, I give you this perfectly good: 

I'm glad that you told him and glad he was respectful to your request. Now, smooch on sister!


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## SocialbFly (Nov 9, 2009)

kayrae said:


> Conclusion: I told him I didn't like it. He said he won't do it again. End scene.



Can i ask you a question Kay?? I was just curious if you wonder where his original comment came from and his feelings that this may surface again, not the same issue but similar...i know we all enter in to relationships with certain expectations, even if they are small or very large expectations...

me, personally, because i over think things, i would be wondering just where that original comment came from, the motivation behind it, including the expected outcome and then i would wonder what would prompt it to happen again...

i know i know, hush up Dianna


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## kayrae (Nov 10, 2009)

I haven't really probed any deeper. I guess I believe that it wouldn't happen again.


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## mossystate (Nov 10, 2009)

This thread is just a good general reminder that it is always a smart thing to keep ones eyes and ears open.


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