# I need advice on confidence. Where do you ladies get yours from?



## DitzyBrunette (Apr 8, 2013)

Some of you know me on Facebook so it might come as a surprise to find out I am a very self-conscious person because I never let anyone see my insecurities. And that's where the trouble is for me. I have this actual issue that needs to be fixed and I really could use some other outlooks and opinions on the subject from women who can relate. The subject being acceptance of our own physical "flaws". I figured this might be a good place to start. If it is too long, I apologize but I really don't know anywhere else to go/post.

I've been in a relationship with the love of my life for 2 and a half years. I have no doubt that he loves me, he shows me every day. He tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and I believe it while I am dressed and made up or, if we're in the bedroom, when the lights are dimmed. I don't feel ugly, this is not a beauty or vanity thing. My problem is I absolutely hate my legs. HATE them. I'm a weird height between short and average so I have always felt my legs are short. They're chubby, too, and I have always had thicker thighs. This has been a thing for me since forever and I can. not. get. past. it. 

I have my own space at my bf's place, I spend a couple nights a week there, his bed feels as much mine as my own does. Naturally I should be feeling comfortable enough by now to get up and walk to the bathroom or kitchen in my underwear, or hell even naked, if I need to. I get hot in the middle of the night so he said I should sleep in shorts but he had no idea my insecurity was a thing. I tried sleeping in big tee shirts and keeping my pajama pants on the floor right next to the bed but that even made me panic in the morning. I bought some adorable pajama shorts figuring they're so cute I'd feel pretty in them. I wore one, and when morning came, I had to go to the bathroom and ended up having a panic attack. It took me a half hour to get up, I felt like an ass. The idea of him seeing my legs in all their chubby glory in daylight was frightening. I ended up breaking down crying later in the day because a beautiful woman on Mad Men was shown in her underwear and I felt like a big fat loser. FINALLY, through tears, I told him how I felt and how I feel horribly hideous in shorts. Of course he did the perfect boyfriend thing and said all the right things. He says the bedroom isn't that dark and he CAN see me and he loves it. I believe HE sees me as perfect, _but I don't see it_ and this is my issue to fix. BUT HOW. I bought a silky mid-thigh length nightgown today that I want to wear for him soon to try and overcome my biggest demon, but it freaks me out. I need to snap out of it =(

How do you ladies deal with your insecurities? Have you overcome them? Do they still exist and you're just as screwed up as I am? Any sage advice? I will take anything you got at this point, literally.


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## penguin (Apr 8, 2013)

Fake it until you make it. 

Confidence is something you have to learn, and it's perfectly okay to push past your fear and act like it's not even there, until one day it's gone. Something that has worked for me was to stand in front of the mirror naked, and look at myself. REALLY look. And then I would say what I liked about each body part. So if it was something that I didn't particularly like, like my thighs, in the beginning the only positives would be that they were strong and carried me. Do this every day, and soon you'll start to believe it. What you like may change and grow and you might surprise yourself.

Touch yourself. Not like you're masturbating, but explore your body. Lie there at night and let your fingers roam, feeling every bump, every stretch mark, every inch of skin. Get to know the story your body has to tell. I call "blemishes" like stretch marks and cellulite Body Braille - because your body is a story you can only really understand by reading with your hands. Be rough, be gentle, be teasing, be bold. Sit there and admire yourself with your hands, imagine how it is for your lover. He won't see your skin as being blemished and ugly, but beautiful and tantalising. 

The relationship you have with your body is one you will have forever. Why make it a burden instead of glorious?


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## CastingPearls (Apr 9, 2013)

I can so relate to this. I have horrible scars and lumps on my legs which are naturally very heavy, especially my calves. I haven't been intimate with anyone since my illness which caused the scars and although I try really hard to believe that someone will love and desire me, with some pretty horrific scars, it's terrifying. I don't really have any advice except to say that you're not alone and when you have some answers, would you mind sharing them with me?


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## ashmamma84 (Apr 9, 2013)

penguin said:


> Fake it until you make it.
> 
> Confidence is something you have to learn, and it's perfectly okay to push past your fear and act like it's not even there, until one day it's gone. Something that has worked for me was to stand in front of the mirror naked, and look at myself. REALLY look. And then I would say what I liked about each body part. So if it was something that I didn't particularly like, like my thighs, in the beginning the only positives would be that they were strong and carried me. Do this every day, and soon you'll start to believe it. What you like may change and grow and you might surprise yourself.
> 
> ...



That's the crux of it all, at least in my opinion. Great advice.


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## Piink (Apr 10, 2013)

Fake it! I fake my confidence so hard!

While I love me for who I am, I have issues with my body. I love certain parts, but I'm not fond of my mid-section. I'm an apple body.

A young girl (think early teens) recently told me how she wished she was like me. I was awestruck. I didn't think I faked it that well, but apparently I do. And I'm still not sure how. 

I coming to terms with my body, but it hasn't been an easy task. I haven't exactly had a great support system around me when it comes to that. 

It's your body, your stuck with it. You've got to learn to love it.

(Someone told me that last line. While they didn't say it to me, but about his self, I think it applies here!)


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## b0nnie (Apr 10, 2013)

I was always very insecure with my body, I'd avoid looking into a mirror because what I saw there wasn't something I wanted to see. I avoided having my picture taken like crazy. I dressed boy clothes and wore baggy clothes. 

Then one day I was online and found dims and another bbw social sites. I looked around and saw all the photos all these women were posting of their fat bodies. It was quite a shock to me that any fat person would do that. What struck me the most was then when I looked at all these pictures, I didn't think negative thoughts about them...I was blown away because there were so many attractive people that didn't necessarily fit that mold of main stream beautiful, but they were _beautiful_ _and_ _fat_.

I took a camera and set up the timer and took full body shots of me and really looked at my body for the first time. I started taking more pics of myself, from all sorts of angles, in clothes and naked and I'd just stare at them. I'd come online and look at all the pictures that everyone else posted and find the beauty in them then I'd go back and just stare at mine. 

I compared myself to those woman that I found so beautiful on the bbw sites and was dumbfounded when one day I realized that if I was looking at my body as if it belonged to someone else other then me...well, there was nothing wrong with it. I was so critical of my body because it was _mine_, because in my mind my fat bits were bad, but I didn't think that way about other people's bodies, just my own . I kinda had a revelation and realized that I needed to stop finding faults in my body that I didn't find in others, that I deserved....that I owed it to myself to at least try to see myself like I saw all those ladies. 

I think a lot of my insecurities came from the fact that I wasn't used to what my body looked liked since I was so used to hiding it. Once I saw it in so many pics, once stopped avoiding mirrors, once I stopped hiding in my clothes, once my body just became as much a part of me as my hands I saw that my body wasn't perfect but it wasn't as bad as I had thought. From there, over the years, its gone from "not that bad" to "pretty damn good" in my mind. Its pretty amazing that once I stopped looking for the bad, the good started shinning through. 

My advise is for you to look at yourself...really look, I mean stare at your body....do it over and over again...take pictures, if you are the picture taking type, and look at them over and over. Get to know your body from all angles, focus on your legs since that is what bothers you. Get to the point where looking at your body doesn't cause any reaction, where nothing crossed your mind but the fact that...yea that's your bod there. 

Also, penguin's advice about faking it til you make it holds very true, I've done it plenty of times and trust it does work.


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## Surlysomething (Apr 10, 2013)

For most people this is an issue. Men, women, skinny, fat. We all have our scars and imperfections. 

I have days where it's so bloody hard to be in my own skin and other days where it's not an issue at all.


Sometimes you just need to jump in headfirst and just do it, walk around naked in front of him with the lights on. It's the only way. It will be so scary and painful, but I guarantee you that whatever you feel or whatever outcome you THINK it will have will not happen. You are there because he wants you to be there. HE WANTS YOU.

Rock it, girl. Own YOU.


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## veggieforever (Apr 11, 2013)

Firstly, I have to say WOWZA because you are a very beautiful woman. I can totally see why your boyf loves and adores you. You are a catch! I mean that sincerely. Everyone has parts of their body that makes them uneasy but we seem to see them as worse than they are. I know that unless I point out my flaws - no one else ever notices them! Your boyfriend sounds so besotted and is not expecting perfection. I am sure he has flaws that you haven't even noticed but they would not change your opinion on him one bit because it goes deeper than skin deep imperfections. That's how he see's you sweetie. Take a deep breath and jump into the blue! ) just say "to heck with it!" and do what you fear the most. You are too beautiful to hide away and I am sure your boyfriend would agree with me on that. Baby steps to making a mental change are usually very successful if grasping the nettle is too overwhelming right now but I can guarantee the last thing your boyf will be looking at us your legs during romantic and/or intimate moments when your looks are as lovely as they are, sweetie.xxx


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 12, 2013)

penguin said:


> Fake it until you make it.
> ....
> The relationship you have with your body is one you will have forever. Why make it a burden instead of glorious?



I read your advice (and everyone else's) as they were posted, but wanted to absorb what everyone was sharing before replying. This is good advice and I've been repeating the last sentence to myself the past few days. You're absolutely right, I should be using the word glorious instead of hiding. 



CastingPearls said:


> I can so relate to this. I don't really have any advice except to say that you're not alone and when you have some answers, would you mind sharing them with me?



You are one of the most fabulous women I have ever had the pleasure of "meeting" (online) and to find out you are insecure about your appearance in any way blows my mind. I always saw you as so amazingly confident. So to see that other women feel the way I do makes me feel less neurotic about this. i want to tell YOU to be bold and brave and confident so I should be taking my own advice, right? YES. <3



Piink said:


> Fake it! I fake my confidence so hard!
> It's your body, your stuck with it. *You've got to learn to love it.*



I've been working on it this week a little at a time. I appreciate your comments and I can see why the girl wants to be like you because you seem like a smart cookie. 



b0nnie said:


> Then one day I was online and found dims and another bbw social sites. I looked around and saw all the photos all these women were posting of their fat bodies. It was quite a shock to me that any fat person would do that. What struck me the most was then when I looked at all these pictures, I didn't think negative thoughts about them...I was blown away because there were so many attractive people that didn't necessarily fit that mold of main stream beautiful, but they were _beautiful_ _and_ _fat_.
> 
> My advise is for you to look at yourself...really look, I mean stare at your body....do it over and over again... Get to the point where looking at your body doesn't cause any reaction, where nothing crossed your mind but the fact that...yea that's your bod there.



THIS is a comment that hits home for me. I see these gorgeous, stunning women here on Dims and I do not see flaws. Women flaunting chubby arms and rockin it, short skirts with legs that look like mine, and I see beauty not flaws. So I gotta get there with myself.
This week I started staying in just a tee shirt and undies or shorts after a shower when I am home (where no one can see lol) so that I can try and get used to the feeling of being bare legged. Even if I'm by myself, just getting used to the feeling is a start. Your last bit of advice there is excellent and hopefully this gets me feeling a bit more comfortable. 



Surlysomething said:


> Sometimes you just need to jump in headfirst and just do it, walk around naked in front of him with the lights on. It's the only way. It will be so scary and painful, but I guarantee you that whatever you feel or whatever outcome you THINK it will have will not happen. You are there because he wants you to be there. HE WANTS YOU.
> 
> Rock it, girl. Own YOU.



Not _quite_ ready to jump in headfirst but I want to so bad! Your last two sentences need to become my mantra.  Why is it that the most obvious of things only seem to make sense when someone else says it :-/ 



veggieforever said:


> Firstly, I have to say WOWZA because you are a very beautiful woman. I can totally see why your boyf loves and adores you. You are a catch! I mean that sincerely. Everyone has parts of their body that makes them uneasy but we seem to see them as worse than they are. I know that unless I point out my flaws - no one else ever notices them! Your boyfriend sounds so besotted and is not expecting perfection. I am sure he has flaws that you haven't even noticed but they would not change your opinion on him one bit because it goes deeper than skin deep imperfections. That's how he see's you sweetie. Take a deep breath and jump into the blue! ) just say "to heck with it!" and do what you fear the most. You are too beautiful to hide away and I am sure your boyfriend would agree with me on that. *Baby steps to making a mental change are usually very successful if grasping the nettle is too overwhelming right now* but I can guarantee the last thing your boyf will be looking at us your legs during romantic and/or intimate moments when your looks are as lovely as they are, sweetie.xxx



You are too kind <3 I put the part I agree with most in bold. I never even wear cropped pants (that show ankles/calf) because of my nerves getting in the way so I bought some cute cropped pants for the warmer weather. I wore them this week and I did my best to enjoy my outfits and disregard the fact that five inches of my ankle and legs were showing. The first day was hard and I felt self-conscious but today I felt okay enough to avoid staring at my reflection in windows. Turns out I think my ankles aren't half bad and it was nice to feel some warm air on my skin for a change.


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## Clementine (Apr 22, 2013)

I reached a certain point in my life (when I was thinner) where I just said "Fuck it" 
It's come in handy now that I've gained weight.

If someone has a problem with me because of how I look, that's exactly it:
THEIR PROBLEM. Not mine. 

And it's not yours either if someone is an asshole, they're the asshole with the problem! 

You don't think I'm attractive? Good thing it's your fucking opinion and nothing more! Please tell me more about all your other fascinating judgmental bullshit! Can you tell me if you approve of my haircut and if my shoes are acceptable as well? I want to bend over backwards to be appealing to yoooouuuuuu because your opinion is the sun and the moon and the starrrsssss. 
FUCK. THAT. 

You are better than that. 
You seem like a kind hearted person who deserves nothing but good things. 

If people are going to be assholes to you over something like how much you weigh, they're not worth the time and effort to worry about. I invest my time and love into people who will return it and make life better.


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## ConnieLynn (Apr 22, 2013)

First of all, you are gorgeous. Second, if your guy adores you, he adores you. Women worry too much and make guys seem way too complicated. He's not obsessing about your thighs. He also doesn't care if you missed shaving your legs or have a pimple on your butt. He's thrilled you are taking up space in his bed, and he's ready to get comfy. When he tells you that you are beautiful, believe him. 

Part of the confidence trick is age, learning to accept yourself like you've learned to accept others, and the fuck it attitude that comes to some of us with years of living. If you can get to it younger, all the better. 

Part of it is also getting comfortable in your own naked skin. I actually feel more beautiful naked than clothed, helped by the fact that I've seen myself naked in photos many times, and seen beautiful photos of other fat naked women at wonderful sites such as Adipositivity. 

I don't know any woman who doesn't have a part of her body that she hates. Not a single one! 

I'm 5'4. At 18 I weighed 170 with chunky thighs that I thought were huge. I never wore shorts in public and was always self conscious. Looking at pictures now, I wasn't fat. Maybe 20 pounds of chub, all in my butt and thighs. I missed out on a lot based on my perception of my thighs.

At 48, I weigh twice as much as that insecure 18 year old, and my thighs really are huge, along with other parts of me. I'm still not going to traipse around town in shorts, because that's not how I feel attractive, but I'm not willing to miss out on anything just because I'm fat. I may still hate my thighs, but I wear shorts or bathing suit when I'm at the beach or pool, and honestly don't worry about it.


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## spiritangel (Apr 23, 2013)

I say this all the time (and I know you have a son so have to limit how you do this)

Spend some time everyday naked walking around doing ordinary things (read a book or some such) look in the mirror and admire what you see.

I have my days where I struggle or feel less confident, but for the most part I am happy with who I am, I am lucky I was born with a stranger inner confidence that whilst can be shaken and battered around a bit at times is never fully gone.

there will always be a day where you feel less than, the trick is also to surround yourself by people who love you the way you are warts and all so to speak.

The other big thing I have found is people cosntantly put themselves down in lots of subtle and not so subtle ways, until you change your internal dialogue any steps you take are just going to be going through the motions.

I am pretty sure I say all this a lot on here but it is true.

Penguin is right delight in your body, learn to be comfortable in your own skin the rest comes slowly but the more your work on it the easier it becomes.

I have scars on my legs, in fact I have one that is really large and goes all the way around my right ankle, It is a part of my history of the battles I have faught and lucky for me no guy has been worried about my scars at first I was self conscious about it but now it is just an ordinary part of me.

Lots of squishy hugs and luck on the journey and remember you are beautiful inside and out, that is such a rare combination in this world sometimes to find.


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## Sweetnlow (Apr 24, 2013)

Don't read fashion magazines which sets a norm that skinny is what beauty is. I am not currently in a relationship but i have sex life and i get positive comments about my my body. I think something happened with me when i turned 30. I stopped caring so much about other peoples opinions. I always heard from female friends that I have broad hips even when i was a normal size. That made me feel ashamed and I dressed so that part of my body wouldn't be noticed that much. I don't care if people have a problem with that I am fat. People recommend dietes and say that I am so pretty and would be prettier if I lost some weight. But the thing is that is not true. They have their perception of what is beautiful. In their mind skinny is beautiful. But fat is too.


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## BarterGal (May 1, 2013)

Stop worrying and caring so much, works for me! Once you focus on what matters, your confidence will naturally build up. No time for things you can't do anything about right?


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## CastingPearls (May 2, 2013)

I've always had confidence and when I was a plus-size model, it was normal to run around backstage nude because we only had 45 seconds between outfit/costume changes. Nudity became very natural and in fact, to this day, when I'm alone, I walk around the house nude and sleep nude. 

However, the scarring I spoke of earlier occurred during a marriage that was abusive and controlling and part of that was withholding all affection. So there was not only the added despair that I could never work again in that field (truth be known, it's very rare for a modeling career to last more than a handful of years anyway), didn't feel beautiful and in fact, felt like a monster, but that my husband had rejected me. This wasn't about nudity anymore. This was about my body being rejected, me, myself being rejected. 

So after I left the abuser, (well, right before I left, too, because I was emotionally distraught and very lonely), I had a couple of internet romances. Never met any of them. One of them was very very special, and we planned to meet and he knew about the scars and the bumps. We were good friends to begin with, so I trusted him. It didn't work out but that was for the best.

Front forward to now. I took a break from men and began to work on myself, went into therapy, pursued every interest I could afford and didn't just rediscover myself but I found the real me that I don't know if I ever could have found had I not been through everything I'd suffered and sorrowed over. I decided to give it one more try recently and make myself open to something special, put it out there to the universe and if a man didn't want me, scars and all, that was their problem. 

The next thing I knew I was approached by someone who wanted to be friends. This very quickly progressed to something more and we're meeting in a couple of weeks because there's a slight distance and he has a business to run, besides. He's just as excited as I am, but I wanted to tell him about the scars rather than just spring it on him. I told him how they happened, and how my ex treated me. We were texting and he suddenly called me. 

He said, I've been in the military and I've seen scars. There's nothing and no scar that can make me reject you. Scars are proof of life so there's nothing to worry about, okay? I don't want an internet or even text or email relationship with you. I want the real thing and that includes your scars. 

I think that after reading my own post and this thread, I had made the decision that I can't let my scars hold me back and perhaps that energy shifted enough to be more open to trusting someone who pretty much instantly appeared and so far, appears tailor made, like in Weird Science where those kids fed pictures of their perfect woman into a computer and she was everything they wanted and more. He's pretty much like that and I hope that translates into reality which I think will because we're already talking non-stop like two lovesick goofballs.


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## CherryMarquise (May 4, 2013)

I too has suffered from such fears and problems. I knew that I received tons of attention from men, but I was still feeling that I was just not as good as some other women
And while I've managed to shake most of it off, I still do. I'm convinced that I always will.
That said however, the fake it till you make it approach seems to me the best one to take. You are a beautiful, sensual woman, as all of us are. And I think almost everything can be changed, if you force yourself to change. So, go on and change your perception that causes you pain. Because everything is just perception...


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## katherine22 (May 5, 2013)

Once you accept your body, you gain confidence that becomes the basis of your attractiveness.


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## superodalisque (May 11, 2013)

instead of focusing on how a stranger might possibly look at you focus on how you ARE being looked at and your own personal enjoyment of that. try to live in the moment.


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