# Unresolved grief



## LalaCity (Jan 16, 2009)

I'm putting this thread here as this is primarily a mental health issue. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can share some insight, or, if nothing else, a bit of solace.

Without going into too much detail, I have been living with what's referred to as "unresolved" or "complicated" grief over the loss of someone I loved -- a man I cherished deeply and was consumed with emotionally and whom I feel abandoned me very coldly.

Basically, what "unresolved" grief means is that the pain of bereavement that normally accompanies loss does not abate but lingers an inordinately long time, deepening into major depression and disrupting life profoundly. 

I can't seem to get any relief from any therapies I've yet tried, but I am going to make another, last push toward intensive counseling as I feel I'm losing all semblance of a decent, normal life to this. My dysfunction has reached the stage of not being able to see people or work, shunning family, and wanting nothing more than to shutter the windows and drift into the oblivion of sleep.

This has gone on for two painful, utterly unproductive years and I am honestly no further along in the grieving process than I was on the day he broke my heart.

I am worn down by this unrelenting misery and frankly can't cope anymore. I've developed a heavy alcohol dependence to numb my sorrow...And yes, I have contemplated killing myself many times when the pain becomes too much to bear...

I often feel foolish trying to talk to people about it because my lack of coping mechanisms make me feel as though I am abnormal, weak. It often seems as though no one else can understand this problem of being "stuck," of not being able to somehow just _move on_....


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## Surlysomething (Jan 16, 2009)

LalaCity said:


> I'm putting this thread here as this is primarily a mental health issue. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can share some insight, or, if nothing else, a bit of solace.
> 
> Without going into too much detail, I have been living with what's referred to as "unresolved" or "complicated" grief over the loss of someone I loved -- a man I cherished deeply and was consumed with emotionally and whom I feel abandoned me very coldly.
> 
> ...



I really feel your pain and understand where you're coming from. I had a LOT of unresolved grief as my Mom passed away when I was 11 and my Dad remarried soon after. I had no time to process properly and was thrown to the wolves right at puberty. I had quite the meltdown in my 20's and it took me a LONG while to get through it. I still have days that are quite hard but i'm thankful I was stubborn enough to fight to get well.

-I spent a LOT of time with my family. I didn't do anything really with them, I was just there. The comfort of not being alone helped.

-I searched for the right Dr. It took some time but when I found her my world changed.

-Medication

(those are a few of the things I did)

I have no advice for you, I can only offer my ear and i'm sending my best thoughts your way. I'm testimony that it CAN get better.

I hope you find your way..


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## imfree (Jan 16, 2009)

LalaCity said:


> I'm putting this thread here as this is primarily a mental health issue. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can share some insight, or, if nothing else, a bit of solace.
> 
> Without going into too much detail, I have been living with what's referred to as "unresolved" or "complicated" grief over the loss of someone I loved -- a man I cherished deeply and was consumed with emotionally and whom I feel abandoned me very coldly.
> 
> ...



You are not alone. I was in there for 8 years. I am now
free and out of there. I became mentally involved in an
area I shouldn't even have been in. I learned valuable 
spiritual lessons in there that I wouldn't have learned
otherwise. Adversity really does build character. I finally
developed enough of a longing for freedom to let it all
go. When a person you love dies or just stops loving
you it is natural to grieve. I guess the best anyone can
do is to remember the good that came out of the
relationship and to utilize any valuable life-lessons that
you may been have learned from the relationship. Some
things just have to be accepted because they can't be
changed. Be free and be blessed.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jan 16, 2009)

Meditation is what helped me. Unlike yours, my "issues" were buried -- but when you relax and let your mind run free, they pop right up! Normally we react to pain by trying to push it away; believe it or not, this just makes it worse. If you can simply sit and pay attention to your breath -- in and out, in and out -- then when your pain comes up, you can sit with it and look at it instead of trying to get away from it. It hurts. But each time you do it, it hurts a little less. It will take time (but it's already taken what -- two years? -- so what's a llittle more time, if it helps?). You will never completely get over the pain or the betrayal (unless you develop amnesia), but you will get to the point where it is a tiny scratch instead of a gaping wound. Meanwhile, I am sending good thoughts your way to aid your healing.


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## Smushygirl (Jan 16, 2009)

(((((((Lala)))))))

I have no words of wisdom for you, but don't believe for one minute that you haven't progressed. The fact that you are still here taking in air is proof of that. Also the fact that you are seeking help for your problem and reaching out means that there is also progress. Time can be a beautiful thing. 

I think it is natural for women to mourn a relationship. It took me several years to get over a guy that I realized in the end, that I didn't even really love. I loved the sex we had and I loved my ideal of him. He just wasn't what I thought he was, what I had projected onto him.

I also have to admit that coming here didn't help my out look on men. I did find marvelous women here though; smart, beautiful, incredible women with lots of strength. Sometimes more strength than they know they have. 

I believe you to be one of them and I ,for one, am very happy to know you.

All hail the Queen of Haggidonia!!!

P.S. Due to the strength and wisdom of the women here, after many years I was able to try again. I spent last weekend with a man who took me out, held my hand, helped me on with my coat, and when we got home dropped to his knees to literally kiss my ass, lol!! One of those wacky nonFAs you might have heard about. He may not have been an FA, but he sure was a Smushy admirer. 

Don't give up!!! Don't take any shit!!!


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## Ernest Nagel (Jan 16, 2009)

Lala, even if he had treated you right nobody deserves that kind of power over another human being. You're a brilliant, powerful woman. Please don't disrespect that gift by drowning it in alcohol. Please also don't think about hurting yourself even more. You know how much that would hurt all of us who care about you.

Most days I struggle with debilitating physical pain. Some days just going to the bathroom without passing out is a major accomplishment. On those days I remind myself that there are lots of people who can't even do that for themselves, who'd be grateful to take a single step. Then I try to remind myself of everything else I have to be thankful for, good friends and a family who loves me, a job that lets me make a difference in the world, so much more.

Most of all I had a grandfather who told me 'you can be anything you want in life so long as you are grateful for it'. He was right. Sorry if this was too pollyanna, Lala, but I couldn't let a post like yours pass without saying something. Namaste. (((hugs))) :bow:

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. ~ Franklin Roosevelt


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## swordchick (Jan 16, 2009)

So true! You are fantastic, Lala. Time is the key. Also you have do things that you like or things that you have always wanted to do. That helped me so much to get over past relationships. I got stronger with each breakup. I learned that I did not need to accept less in a partner. My loneliness was the cause of it. I began to keep busy by doing all the things I love. I love to travel and I did that. Please do not give up on love. You deserve it. And it does exist. Never settle for less.



Smushygirl said:


> (((((((Lala)))))))
> 
> I have no words of wisdom for you, but don't believe for one minute that you haven't progressed. The fact that you are still here taking in air is proof of that. Also the fact that you are seeking help for your problem and reaching out means that there is also progress. Time can be a beautiful thing.
> 
> ...


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## TraciJo67 (Jan 16, 2009)

LalaCity said:


> I'm putting this thread here as this is primarily a mental health issue. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can share some insight, or, if nothing else, a bit of solace.
> 
> Without going into too much detail, I have been living with what's referred to as "unresolved" or "complicated" grief over the loss of someone I loved -- a man I cherished deeply and was consumed with emotionally and whom I feel abandoned me very coldly.
> 
> ...



Doesn't it suck when you're intelligent and self-aware enough to know what the problem is, yet feel helpless to solve it? Major depression is a terribly cyclical thing -- as it progresses, it saps you of will and energy, yet both are tools that are essential to break the cycle. I've been struggling with depression too, related to loss and grief issues, and sometimes I think the only thing keeping me out of the abyss is the knowledge that my son needs me. I don't think I'd be strong enough to plant one foot in front of the other without him, and the daily need to focus on caregiving for him. It keeps me away from thinking too much about anything else. I did recently switch to Effexor (from Wellbutrin) and it is helping. 

Lala, I can't offer you any meaningful advise, because I know that you already KNOW what you need to be doing: letting people in, instead of shutting them out, no matter how deeply averse you feel to it. Seeing a doctor, and a therapist, and committing to a course of treatment. You know that you can't pull yourself out of this tailspin. You need help. That you are self-medicating, and have considered suicide as an option to relieve the pain, tells me that you need professional intervention. Again, though ... you know this. What would you advise someone who came to you, with this exact same scenario?


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Jan 16, 2009)

I can't offer any advice... but I can share a similar experience I had. 
And I can be the perfect example of what not to do. 

Back when I was 15, I developed severe depression. I was cutting and burning myself without feeling any pain at all, and it got to the point where I was scaring everyone so that they avoided me. Being miserable and having people slowly abandon you one by one... is awful. When my boyfriend of a year and a half (a long time for a 15 year old) broke up with me, it was the last straw... and I ended up trying to kill myself, I got over 57 stitches in one night, and was locked in various psychiatric wards for the next month or so. I was loaded up on medications (because that is honestly all they do to you in those places) from Zoloft to Seraquel to Trizadone to Prozac. In fact... the Seraquel and Trizadone... the doctors gave me for sleeplessness... except those medications are anti-psychotics and tranquilizers (talk about over medicating). They ended up giving me such a large prescription of those pills that I had many more than I would ever need (little did I know at the time that on the street I could have sold those for about $5 a pill). But that's another point entirely. 
When I was in one particular psychiatric ward (the last one before I was sent to out-patient for drug abuse... which by the way is the most pointless thing ever. In rehab... all you gain is more drug connections. I was exposed to more drugs in rehab than anywhere else in my life)... anyway, they decided to give me a physical. And upon discovering my blood iron level... my depression was explained. I had a blood iron level of 3, from what I remember... I think the normal blood iron level is 53 (not sure about that though). And that was the cause of my initial depression. And on account of my initial depression, I lost many many other things which made my life worse.

If only the doctors could have found out that I was severely anemic _before_ I went through all that mental turmoil.

But even now, I will have episodes that return me to the same suicidal mindset as when I was 15. Just now, I know what happens when I act upon it. I have scars all over my arms because of that incident... so whenever I look down... I'm reminded of what happened, and I'm reminded of what not to do again. 





My experience was rather dramatic, and there were many many other factors which led me to a complete mental breakdown. But the above is a nice quick recap of what happened. 

All I can hope is that you wont have to go through the same awfulness that I had to. 
And I wish you all the strength in the world... because sometimes you need it to get through that kind of abject misery.


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## Cors (Jan 16, 2009)

Like the other posters have said, you are not alone. 

I have two major unresolved interlinked issues that were debilitating for years. I went through several different courses of therapy but they were futile. At one point I got so incredibly frustrated with the lack of progress that I decided to enrol myself in costly intensive therapy with psychiatrists who supposedly specialize in my issues as a last resort, pledging to give it my all and believing that if anything is going to work, it would be that. 

I am an all-or-nothing person so I am not sure if this will be relevant to you, but I found the concept of a final, last-ditch attempt at recovery or the idea of an ultimate cure extremely unhelpful. I ended up so much more depressed and dejected than before. I thought that if something as potent as that didn't work, nothing else would and that it had to be my fault somehow. Go ahead and get intensive counselling if that is what you feel like you need, give it your best shot and be hopeful. Try not to let your expectations sabotage your efforts or invalidate small steps forward. If it doesn't work out for whatever reason, don't beat yourself up for it and keep your options open. 

Guilt can be so horrible, all-consuming and it is too easy to get sucked into the vicious cycle especially when coupled with self-awareness. One of the hardest things I have had to learn was to forgive myself (I blamed myself for traumatic incident, the destructive coping mechanisms I resorted to and my inability to break out of the nightmarish rut). It has been five years now and even then, I am nowhere near recovered and am still prone to moments of extreme self-loathing and doubt. 

Be realistic, and remember that everyone is unique. This includes not putting a time frame on recovery, even if friends or specialists imply that you should have gotten better just because others who have gone through something similar have. People process things differently. Being or feeling "stuck" does not make you weak or that your coping mechanisms are inferior and it definitely does not mean that you did not try hard enough because it is so apparent that you have.

I hope that things will look up for you, you deserve it.


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## Risible (Jan 16, 2009)

((((((Lala))))))

I've experienced this - breathtaking grief over a breakup, difficulty in moving on. Emotional wreck. I muddled through it, but I flinch inside every time I think of the pain ... What helped me most was talking to my girlfriends, who had all been through it before. Sisterhood. It was like a balm, talking it out, with them listening empathetically.

Remember I mentioned a girl's get together, probably in February? You can lean on us, if you want. It may not be a cure, but I promise you it'll help just to know you're not alone.


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## D_A_Bunny (Jan 16, 2009)

Lala, I am very sorry for your pain. I too suffered from depression for many years. I would like to tell you my story and maybe that will explain what helped me to feel better.

Because of my severe depression I truly believed that my husband would be better off without me. I have not worked for years, my weight makes me need additional assistance which takes away from his personal time and my required medication is a burden to our budget.

So, I just stopped trying. I let my meds run out, I stopped having any concern for my health and I totally put on a very fake face to the people in my world. In hindsight, I was attempting suicide, the slow way.

Well, after a few months I developed a serious infection that caused me great physical pain. Even then, I was considering taking medication that I had in the house for my dog, rather than go to the doctor. Well, my husband and friends "begged and convinced" me to go. The doctor was shocked at my condition and the horrific wound. He sent me to a surgeon who told me that he wanted to put me in the hospital immediately and operate two hours later. I told him no and that I needed to go home to pay some bills. He made me say out loud to him "I am completely responsible if I drop dead tonite, I have been warned."

Well I went home that night and asked God to take me. Please just release me from my pain. I no longer want to be here. I told my husband who to call first when I was gone and where the important papers were. I did not die that night.

The next day the look on my husband's face changed my mind. I realized that I was practically taking him with me. So, I agreed to go to the hospital. Long story short, I had emergency surgery, was in the CCU for a week and then spent two months in an assisted living facility.

It sucked. But I was alive. And since I had let go, it was a new beginning. I decided that since I had been ready to die, that nothing that life could present to me could ever be that bad. So, I decided that every day I was going to wake up and just be grateful to be alive. And that I am important. And that someone loves me, even if it is my dog. (My husband loves me, but you get the point).

What I am saying is that I was always speaking to myself in a manner that I would never speak to a friend. I would never tell a friend that I thought she was worthless. I would never tell a friend to give up hope. I would never tell a friend that the better choice is to just let herself go.

Guess what, it works. Am I perfect? Hell NO. I still have the same situations that I did before, except now, I just say, well at least I am alive.

I also want to add, that I recently watched a special on PBS about the brain and how it works. They were saying that they have proof that when we condition our brain for a task or event or feeling, that that portion of the brain actually grows and becomes stronger.

So I say to you specifically Lala, I know you just from the posts of yours that I have read, that you are smart and funny and compassionate. I know that I would enjoy meeting you in person and having a thoughtful conversation. So I suggest to you to try, please, to tell yourself every single day at least one positive thing. Just be a friend to yourself. Just treat yourself the same way that you KNOW you deserve to be treated. 

Do NOT feel guilty or angry or sad about having felt this way for however long. That does not matter. Because the journey that you have gone through has brought you to where you are now. And you are here amongst friends and people who wish you peace and joy and hope.

Please PM if you ever want to talk. I am not a perfect person, but I do feel strong compassion for others. I know that if you take one step to allow yourself to feel the love that you can, that it will start to distance you from this pain, and before you know it, the pain will start to ease up.


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## Fascinita (Jan 16, 2009)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Meditation is what helped me. Unlike yours, my "issues" were buried -- but when you relax and let your mind run free, they pop right up! Normally we react to pain by trying to push it away; believe it or not, this just makes it worse. If you can simply sit and pay attention to your breath -- in and out, in and out -- then when your pain comes up, you can sit with it and look at it instead of trying to get away from it. It hurts. But each time you do it, it hurts a little less. It will take time (but it's already taken what -- two years? -- so what's a llittle more time, if it helps?). You will never completely get over the pain or the betrayal (unless you develop amnesia), but you will get to the point where it is a tiny scratch instead of a gaping wound. Meanwhile, I am sending good thoughts your way to aid your healing.



As with Dr. Feelgood, meditation (together with a few short stints of therapy, though some of these were more frustrating thatn anything) is what helped me most. I watch the breath, just as he explains it. I've been doing this, on and off, for twenty years. It has seen me through a number of heartbreaks (not strictly romantic, all of these) in that time. It's not an easy practice to stay loyal to, and I've "forgotten" it any number of times. But I always return to it, and over time it has had the effect of allowing me to feel freer of the numbness and immobility that used to cushion my pain. (I also had a drinking problem at one point, BTW, and an anger problem.)

Be well, Lala. Peace. Let me know if I can help you in any way.


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## Fascinita (Jan 16, 2009)

Just wanted to add:

This heartbreak seems to have called up for you questions about your basic desire to live and your place in the world. Please do see a doctor for urgent help if you're seriously considering suicide at any point. 

It's also good to get a med professional to check you out and rule out any conditions that could have you feeling "out of it" and have gone unrecognized. Doctors will offer you drugs, likely. Some people go that route and are perfectly happy. 

I felt that my own issues were more "existential" than strictly chemical, though eventually it all manifested in a pattern that had a definite chemical footprint on my emotional body. The "root" of my problem was not chemical, in other words, but lay in the emotional trauma of loss and the destabilizing effect that trauma had on my outlook and sense of my own place in the world. I believed myself to be alone in my pain, above all. The sense of isolation was tremendous. All of the anger and fear I felt at being abandoned turned inward, since in my isolation I believed I had no one to count on, anyway. At some point, I felt so powerless and alone that I'd lost all connection with any sense of wanting to be alive, to live in the world among others. 

Mostly I stayed away from prescription medication to deal with my feelings. I felt strongly that, for time eternal, people have been dealing with similar feelings of un-belonging and of giving up. It seems to come with our thinking-feeling condition that we get extremely sad when we've experienced loss, and that sometimes the sadness is hard to shake free of, particularly when we feel alone. In the end, for me it was true that no one could cure me the way I cured myself. Meditation was the *only* course that steadily allowed me to feel human again. At some point, reaching out to others and connecting with them is very helpful, too. Having gone through and survived your grief, you will feel better able to cope with disappointment and heartbreak later. There's hope.


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## olwen (Jan 16, 2009)

Hi Lala, another person chiming in to tell you you aren't alone in having to mourn the end of something you thought was good.

It takes time to get over these things so don't beat yourself up too much. There's no right way to grieve the loss of someone, I think, and it doesn't matter if they die or walk away, the feeling of rejection is the same. The thing that always works for me is journaling. I just write it down no matter how scary and oppressive the thought is. It's a way for me to get it out of my head and out of my body. Before I start the new entry I reread the previous entry to see where my head was at, and it is always helpful. The key is to be honest with yourself and I think you are already doing that. 

The only other thing I could say that may or may not be helpful is to realize that tho being rejected hurts, how much it hurts depends on how much power you let that other person have over you. Whether or not they walk away with a piece of you and how big that piece is depends on you. If you don't want him to have any more pieces of you, then shut the door you know. You can even let him keep the pieces he already has but just don't let him take anymore. I hope you begin to feel better soon.


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## LalaCity (Jan 16, 2009)

Thank you all for your beautiful, heart-felt replies. I wish I had the presence of mind to address your posts individually tonight. Know that I have read and re-read them and am grateful for your understanding and compassion.


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## cinnamitch (Jan 16, 2009)

I want you to go to a garage sale and buy some old plates. They don't have to match but get quite a few say 20 or so. Then i want you to go somewhere that you can have privacy if you get loud. Then when you get there , write down things you feel now about the loss of your relationship, write it on these plates. Then take each plate one at a time, read wht you wrote on it out loud then throw the plate to the ground and break it. Continue this until you are through all of them. Then look around you and see that you validated each of those feelings, but by breaking the plate , it shows they have no further hold on you, you are free from them. Then take a deep breath and say to yourself " I am ready to live my life again" . Then do what it takes to get to where you can make it come true. If you need to talk to a therapist then do it. After those plates are broken, it will all be what YOU can do to feel better . The relationship will have no further place in your life. It and its memories will be broken like those plates. So sweep up the pieces and start over and know we will all root for you , because almost all of us have been there.


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 17, 2009)

Lala, I read your post yesterday but -- like now -- I can't come up with any thing wise or pithy. I can, however, relate all too well with your grief and your frustration that it's going on... and on... and on. Like Traci says, it's hard to be self aware to know what's going on and yet feel unable to control it. Grief seems to take its own time, unfortunately, but there are things that can help: talking about it, grief groups, maybe look at whether there's a specific aspect of the situation that is particularly painful (loss of control, unexpectedness, things like that). Sadly, there are no short cuts with this; we just have to get through it. But those moments? Where it takes your breath away? Really really suck.

I wish you lots of peace with this. Sooner, rather than later.


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## butch (Jan 23, 2009)

Thanks for posting this, Lala, and I wish I had something to offer of help. I'm so glad to read all the responses, because I fear I may be heading to a similar place myself in the next few months, and since I've been there before, I know how scary and awful that place is.

The only suggestion I have is Dims-related. I find that I can't journal, but I can blog about my crazy self in the Dims Clubhouse, and that has been such a comfort to me as I try to navigate the world and learn a better way of interacting with it. The folks there are amazingly wise, kind, and supportive, so if you might benefit from an online family, think about the Clubhouse.

My agnostic prayers go out to you, and thank you for sharing so much of yourself here and on the other Dims boards. I think you're the bees knees, .


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## LalaCity (Jan 23, 2009)

I wanted to say thanks again for all the thoughtful responses. I keep returning to this thread again and again -- I recognize pieces of myself in all the stories you've shared so far. I'm comforted to know I'm not alone.

Love to you all.

L.



P.S. I'm repping like crazy in this thread -- if you haven't gotten some yet, rest assured you will.


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## No-No-Badkitty (Jan 24, 2009)

In my very limited life experience the one thing I have learned about grief is this. You never resolve it. It will always be with you. You will however learn to manage it. Just like any ache or pain. It will be how you choose to manage it that will make or break your life.
I wish there was something I could do/say to make your pain easier...just know that you have friends....and many of us have been right where you are.


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## imfree (Jan 24, 2009)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> In my very limited life experience the one thing I have learned about grief is this. You never resolve it. It will always be with you. You will however learn to manage it. Just like any ache or pain. It will be how you choose to manage it that will make or break your life.
> I wish there was something I could do/say to make your pain easier...just know that you have friends....and many of us have been right where you are.



Ever so true. Your Rep should be in place by now.:bow:


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## vardon_grip (Jan 24, 2009)

I hope you find the acceptance and peace to your life. Good luck on your journey.


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## Surlysomething (Jan 24, 2009)

LalaCity said:


> I wanted to say thanks again for all the thoughtful responses. I keep returning to this thread again and again -- I recognize pieces of myself in all the stories you've shared so far. I'm comforted to know I'm not alone.
> 
> Love to you all.
> 
> ...


 
You are definitely not alone, girlie. :bow:

Keep hangin' in there.


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## steely (Jan 24, 2009)

I have no words of wisdom other than you are not alone.Those issues of lost,alone,unwanted.I was watching You've Got Mail this afternoon,the part where her Mother picks her up and swings her around the bookstore as a child.I wondered what it would've been like to have grown up with love.What a different person I might be now.

Grief,as someone said earlier,never goes away.It's how you deal with it.I'm afraid I'm sadly lacking in dealing with things.I think about you often and hope you are doing well.


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## chicken legs (Jan 24, 2009)

I went into severe depression during my first pregnancy. I lost my first son via a very painful, messy miscarriage. I knew i was going to lose the baby (he didn't even know i was pregnant) and pulled away emotionally from the father ahead of time and then when it happened i broke up with him by pissing him off so that he wouldn't want to see me. He didn't understand why i was doing the things i was doing but i saw a better life for him with someone else. He is now happily married with kids and is doing very well.

What i am trying to say is sometimes things happen and we don't know why. I wasn't able to voice to my ex what was going on in a way that he could understand. I tried to many times and it just didn't fly and i tried to give him hints and that didn't work either.

What i am trying to say is maybe something happened to him and he couldn't tell you or maybe you couldn't see the hints or something. So you shouldn't beat yourself up. Understanding may come and it may not come. In the meantime, live your life to the fullest its probably what he would want you to do.


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## ChubbyBlackSista (Jan 24, 2009)

LaLa
You came to the right place we're going to try our best to decrease your grief


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## ashmamma84 (Jan 25, 2009)

Just wanted to pass on something that was given to me by a friend a long time ago...

Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief, and the overflow is channeled into the physical body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and longing is transmuted into a feeling that often cannot be put into words. Mending a broken heart can seem a task so monumental that we dare not attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further. But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the spell of our conscious influence. 

Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us. The shock that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the heart eventually leads us down the path of enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth and richness. 

Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that we need to pay attention to our emotional selves, to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before we can begin to heal. It is said that time heals all wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart, but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness more than anything else is called for. Most important, open yourself to the possibility of loving, trusting, and believing again. When, someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of your grief, you will see that the universe did not cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger for all you have experienced.

My fervent prayer, for you, is peace! Namaste!


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## goofy girl (Jan 25, 2009)

Lala, I feel like I don't have any useful info to give you that hasn't already been mentioned by other posters, but please know that you have much support, friendship and love here. Sending you healing prayers and thoughts of peace.


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## Just_Jen (Jan 26, 2009)

Hiya Lala, I actually work as a student at a hospice and so i am learning to deal with bereavement and grief and yet i still have no real answer to help you; nothing that has not been said already. 

Grief is a really hard thing to get over. It affects everyone in different ways and is resolved in different ways. Like another poster said it isn't that the grief is actually resolved, it is more that the grief has been rellocated from your heart to another place, so it hurts lets. It will never completely disappear but it will get easier to deal with. 

needless to say, you are not alone.

*HUGS* just keep going and you'll get there...

xxx


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## mergirl (Jan 26, 2009)

LaLa, I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I would actually like My partner to post something here because i know she went through the same thing when her mum passed away a couple of years ago..hopefully she will want to share and explain her feelings and how eventually she is recieving the help she needed and actually feeling for the first time something she never thought she would..Hope. I think its important to share your feelings with others who are going through the same thing because with unresolved grief (as with many mental illnesses) You often feel like the only person in the world going through this and sometimes you can feel a total detachment from the rest of the world. LIke.."why the hell is the rest of the world going on with their crazy meaningless shit, when ive lost someone".

I know that some people are very opposed to using medication. I do think in many cases they are a short term fix and dont actually work for some. In the case of unresolved grief or any psychological or emotional turmoil that has gone on for too long for your mind, body and soul to handle your body physical changes actually begin to happen with your bodys bio-chemical make up. After an extended grieving period, your seratonin levels can become depleted, so a course of ssri antidepressents (selective seritonin re-uptake inhibitors..such as floxatine)can really help, not even so much as lift your mood but get you onto an even keel in someways. 
Perhaps you could talk with your Doctor about this, if it would be something you would consider. 
I know that you say you are no further along in resolving your grief but you have probably made steps whether they are subconcious or not but the subsequent depression that often follows a bereivement/loss can make it difficult to feel anything but hopelessness.

I know you say you have undergone some talking therapies. I think that sometimes you really have to shop around for the therapist that suits you. I would recomend a CBT (cognative behavioural therapist) because instead of going over and over the ways and whats and whys of what happened they provide very real ways of coping, of retraining destructive thought patterns, can help with the side effects you are experiencing, alcohol dependence etc. 
I know You will probs have heard about the 7 stages of grief :
Shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger, Reflection and lonelyness (depression), the upward turn, reconstruction and workijng through and acceptance and hope. These are different for differnt people but most happen on these feelings in different orders, feel different stages at different times also it might feel that they are working backwards. I really think that sometimes we can get stuck in the depression part and this is what we need help to lift us out of. Sorry i'm rambling lala..I would really recomend a course of meds, I'm not one to take the taking of meds lightly but i also know this has helped many people i know. This along with a course of c.b.t to help retrain your brain away from old patterns. 
Again, so sorry to hear about your sadness and grief, you are an incredible and intelligent woman and i would hate to see depression win. 
good luck and blessed be xlisa


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## GenericGeek (Feb 1, 2009)

_"Hold on..."_

http://www.mtv.com/videos/rem/9821/everybody-hurts.jhtml


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