# Abusive Relationships



## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 10, 2009)

Wow....we have a board for BBW now.....so let's talk about some women's issues, shall we? 

How about those abusive relationships?

I have been in them. Trying hard to not fall back into my usual pattern with any new guy I meet now. 

I have posted this on the boards in various threads, more than once, after reading posts by women I thought might be in an abusive relationship. Seems fitting to start off with this list:



> *You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:*
> *Is jealous or possessive toward you.
> (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
> *Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
> ...



I started thinking about this topic and wanted to pull up that list of warnings signs.....all this inspired by a new man I have been talking to on the phone. Haven't met him in the flesh yet......and he seems quite nice actually. 
However......something about him......keeps reminding me of my relationship with my very possessive/jealous/disturbed first husband. 


I think there should be clarity about exactly what abuse is, too. 



> What Is Abuse?
> 
> Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.
> 
> ...







> _*An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
> 
> Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
> *_
> ...



Opinions? Experiences? Things you have learned or seen? Anything to add? 

Input from the men is okay, too. Just don't want any bashing/blaming of people that have been in/are in abusive relationships. The intent of this thread is to "hash it out" and perhaps find an understanding/insight of each other and how we can make our lives/relationships better.


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## Tau (Nov 10, 2009)

I've never been in one but I have a friend in an abusive relationship  It makes me so angry GE, Im actually sitting here crying just thinking about it. He doesn't hit her, but thats about all he doesn't do. And she won't get out. I'm constantly telling her how much better she is than that, I've begged her to go. Last week I snapped. I shouted at her, which doesn't help anybody, I know, but I'm running out of ideas on how to reach her. What would you have liked your friends to say or do for you when you were being hurt? I know I can't make her leave, although I'm really tempted to just kidnap her, but there must be another way I can reach her? Sorry, this isnt exactly sharing an experience but any advice at all would be appreciated.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 11, 2009)

Tau....the best things my friends ever did for me was not make me feel judged, gave me support when I was down and ultimately, when I did decide to get out, my best friend Amy was one of the most supportive, kind and protective people in my life. 

Sorry about your friend......since the guy doesn't hit her.....who knows, she may not realize that what is happening to her is abuse. We have all heard the stories of battered wives, sneaking away with only the clothes on their back, to get away from an abuser. 
But what about those that are not beaten physically? Or like myself, hit on such a rare occasion, that you let it slide for sake of the children/marriage. 

Marriage is highly valued by a lot of people in society....and there is the always the mantra of "work it out". 
He gets drunk, kicks you in the side of the head, or assaults you and his family members, you just try to ensure he cuts back on the drinking.

He is in the doghouse long enough to figure out he needs to pay his penance, so to speak, and holds it in the road long enough for everyone to grow complacent again. 

It was systematic...the patterns. It was my recognition of the patterns that propelled me to start doing things differently.

Ultimately, when your friend has had enough of him, she will push away from the table and leave.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Nov 11, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Ultimately, when your friend has had enough of him, she will push away from the table and leave.



Isn't this the moment of greatest danger? Abusers need to control their victims, and their greatest fear is loss of control. I've heard stories about women who walked away and were followed ... sometimes with violence. Maybe this is an Oklahoma thing, but once or twice a year there's a story in the paper about some lady who divorced her husband and got custody of the children: he got drunk, killed her, killed the kids, killed himself.  I guess what I'm asking is how a woman can protect herself in this kind of situation: what kind of backup do you need, and how do you get it?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 11, 2009)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Isn't this the moment of greatest danger? Abusers need to control their victims, and their greatest fear is loss of control. I've heard stories about women who walked away and were followed ... sometimes with violence. Maybe this is an Oklahoma thing, but once or twice a year there's a story in the paper about some lady who divorced her husband and got custody of the children: he got drunk, killed her, killed the kids, killed himself.  I guess what I'm asking is how a woman can protect herself in this kind of situation: what kind of backup do you need, and how do you get it?



I have read those stories, too. There are women's shelters for battered women. 
But then again, it's all part of it, I suppose. If you can't make enough money to support those kids on your own, if you cannot afford your own rent or if you cannot afford day care so you can work and afford all the above, then you are trapped without the support/aid of friends/family. 
Police.....I have known some officers and they said the worst thing they fear is a domestic call because they never know what they are getting into. Sometimes, women turn and protect the guy that beat them. 
I have seen it myself first hand at a place where I worked and a woman asked me to call the police. The guy dragged her around the parking lot, punched her, tossed her around while all the women in the place were upset and trying to find weapons to stop him. She was bloody and ran to the front door......looked up at me while he had her on the ground and she tossed me his car keys. 
It was a WTF moment for me......and he stood up and approached me...yeah, he got his bloody(literally) car keys back quickly. I told her to let him go.....that someone there would make sure she had a ride to wherever she needed to go. 
Police showed up as he was trying to pull out....she told the police nothing happened and they had to let them go....her leaving with him in the car. 
Us ladies asked some of the guys hanging there why they didn't try to help....they said that was why...that some women will "turn on them". 

I learned a lot that day about violence against women and how the world sees it......


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## BBW4Chattery (Nov 12, 2009)

I was in a relationship that was more shady than abusive. He was a total jerk, for sure, but his only physically abusive act came during the final confrontation of his lies. We ended it THAT day forever. I walked away (rode away bawling in an ambulance, more emotionally hurt than physically hurt), lost all respect for him, and think he's the most pathetic little man on the planet.

My family is extremely abusive and after growing up in that, I've not had any sort of tolerance for anything less than a respectful, healthy man. I knew this dude was a little off but I'd just broken it off with my adoring ex fiance who I'd been mean to for years... so I thought I'd flip the switch and be super kind to the next guy to make up for the sins of the past.

I need to learn to trust my instincts though... I usually give guys one chance too many. I meet a lot of not great guys, like everyone, but I tend to evacuate by the third red flag. In my dating relationships, I've been super lucky to have found really great guys who, even if they were totally not a match for me, they were never abusive to me in any way. 

It's super hard to see other people get trapped in abusive relationships with men. I feel like I have some understanding because I'm trapped like that with my parents. People tell you to just walk away and forget about them... but there's love here, even if they are the most unhealthy and crappy parents on earth, they're still the only ones I have and that's hard to abandon.

I once tried to "rescue" a friend from an abusive relationship. She was a former debutante from a super well known family with lots of connections across our state and brothers and sisters who excelled in their personal and professional lives. She ended up falling in with a married drug dealer 20 years her senior .... they met at her apartment complex. Many abuses transpired from him ... physical and emotional. She ended up holding his drugs for him in public, black eyes, bruises around the neck, etc.

I went to their home and "rescued" her 3 or 4 times... I offered her a place to stay, I went with her to Domestic Violence. I went with her to the ER as she miscarried their child. I didn't sugarcoat anything... I told her, "at least it won't be born with a disability from all of the drugs you've done over the last few months." I was supportive too, told her we'd get counseling... but I wasn't about to mourn the loss of a child being brought into an unsafe home. 

The last straw for me was when I went to pick her up one day when she called in tears. Her throat and shoulders were already black and her eyes bloodshot from him having strangled her just an hour earlier. She told me she was upset because they'd been robbed and someone took her deb necklace. I asked her to listen to how ridiculous she sounded. She was being beaten by a drug dealer daily and she was worried about her deb necklace. She told me her father had offered to give her a restaurant franchise (yes, give, free and clear) to operate if she would just move to that location (a large city, lots to do)... and she told me she didn't want to leave the guy.

At the end of that night, I told her I no longer felt safe being her rescuer. The guy knew where I lived, had been in my home, started driving past my home at odd hours to see if she was there, etc. I told her I couldn't do it but I'd do whatever I could to make sure she was safe if she called me any time... but it wouldn't be me coming to intervene anymore. It was a hard decision that I debated for weeks before that incident and one I still feel really guilt about from time to time. I had spent the previous summer working at the Domestic Violence shelter and just felt a lot of fear about how her situation was going to end... it sounds harsh, but I didn't want to go down with her and I wasn't strong enough to take a chance that I'd save her over us both ending up hurt. 

I google her, try to find her on facebook, etc... but I haven't heard anything from her since that time. This all happened in a town where we lost two people our age (college students) to domestic violence within a span of weeks a few months after we met and became friends. At the very beginning of her abusive relationship, I was on the phone with this her and we heard the gunshots that killed one of the victims. The deceased had been banging on the door of a neighbor begging for help when she was shot. These abusers are not in their right minds and if they decide to take out the object of their abuse, they aren't going to be picky about who else gets hurt in the process. 

Tau, don't feel guilty, you're respecting her decisions as an adult to continue the relationship. You're right that yelling doesn't help you or her but just try not to do it again if it's something you feel really harms your relationship. I don't have any advisement. Clearly, what I did wasn't the ideal situation... but just sharing that you're not the only one who has felt at the end of their life saving rope re: abuse.


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## Tau (Nov 12, 2009)

GEF and BBW4Chattery, thank you both so much for the advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.


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## Neen (Nov 12, 2009)

I've been in two. one was back in highschool, and it was physical. I graduated, and never looked back at him. He tried to visit me about 6 months ago (showed up on my doorstep) but i shut the door and off he went.
The 2nd was 4 years long and i'm STILL trying to get rid of him. This time it's emotional. Constantly berates me for my weight. Cheated on me with skinny blondes, compared me to thinner blonde women... made me feel like scum on the ground. I'm still trying to pick up the peices of what this man has torn down.. and i think how can i let another human being who is NOT any better then i, to destroy me?? Live and learn. You must walk away, and have a good suppport system around you who know what is going on. Speak up ladies and men who are being abused. It may just save your life.


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## TraciJo67 (Nov 12, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I have read those stories, too. There are women's shelters for battered women.
> But then again, it's all part of it, I suppose. If you can't make enough money to support those kids on your own, if you cannot afford your own rent or if you cannot afford day care so you can work and afford all the above, then you are trapped without the support/aid of friends/family.
> Police.....I have known some officers and they said the worst thing they fear is a domestic call because they never know what they are getting into. Sometimes, women turn and protect the guy that beat them.
> I have seen it myself first hand at a place where I worked and a woman asked me to call the police. The guy dragged her around the parking lot, punched her, tossed her around while all the women in the place were upset and trying to find weapons to stop him. She was bloody and ran to the front door......looked up at me while he had her on the ground and she tossed me his car keys.
> ...



GEF, I can't be 100% certain, but I think that the laws have changed regarding domestic violence. The police officers that I know, who answer domestic disputes, will make an arrest with or without the victim's consent if it appears that the victim is injured or if the situation is volatile. The incident that you highlighted above ... to me, it seems that the responding officers were lazy and apathetic. They certainly could have taken eye-witness information into account and arrested the man, with or without his SO's consent.

One thing that bothers me is that police officers still seem woefully unskilled in handling domestic calls. A family member was involved in a very bad domestic situation that began, actually, when she filed for divorce and her husband was forced to leave the home. He stalked and harassed her for a long time (although thankfully, it never turned physical ... she just lived with the all-consuming fear of it, as he was behaving very irrationally). She did the only thing she knew to do ... called the police, each time he turned up on her property, even *after* she'd filed for and obtained a restraining order. The responding officers weren't at all sympathetic to her calls, and accused her of creating the situation, of being a drama queen, of using them to try to get back at her ex, etc. I have to wonder, had her ex made good on his many threats to harm her, what good the police would have done. And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.


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## joswitch (Nov 12, 2009)

When my Mum divorced my violent, psycho Dad she was rightly concerned he'd kill us all (and himself) in his initial rage. She hired a PI to serve the papers to him at the airport (on his return from "holiday") got a locksmith to change all the locks on the house, took me (aged 11) and my bro (age 4) to the bus station, and without telling anyone where we were going, went off to the seaside for a few days.. Me and my bro thought it was a little holiday.. My Dad did break into the house on his return.. We weren't there.. We all lived.. My mum literally saved our lives with that action. To anyone in a similar situation - do not announce your departure, get out, get gone, don't go back and don't ever let on where you've gone. Good luck to anyone in that situation reading this.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Nov 12, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.



Such is often the case, TraciJo ... but once I was on the jury in a case where the restraining order was crucial. The guy broke through his ex-wife's kitchen door one New Year's Eve, raped her, and held her hostage in her own home. She finally persuaded him to take her to the emergency room (he had broken her finger while raping her) where she told the nurse, "I've been raped," and specimens were taken. Well, rape isn't always taken real seriously out here in God's Country and Western , but what we the jury _were_ able to send him away for was _burglary_! It would've been trespassing, which is a misdemeanor -- but the wife had taken out a restraining order, the violation of which made it burglary, a felony. So _sometimes_ a restraining order comes in handy.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 13, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> GEF, I can't be 100% certain, but I think that the laws have changed regarding domestic violence. The police officers that I know, who answer domestic disputes, will make an arrest with or without the victim's consent if it appears that the victim is injured or if the situation is volatile. The incident that you highlighted above ... to me, it seems that the responding officers were lazy and apathetic. They certainly could have taken eye-witness information into account and arrested the man, with or without his SO's consent.
> 
> One thing that bothers me is that police officers still seem woefully unskilled in handling domestic calls. A family member was involved in a very bad domestic situation that began, actually, when she filed for divorce and her husband was forced to leave the home. He stalked and harassed her for a long time (although thankfully, it never turned physical ... she just lived with the all-consuming fear of it, as he was behaving very irrationally). She did the only thing she knew to do ... called the police, each time he turned up on her property, even *after* she'd filed for and obtained a restraining order. The responding officers weren't at all sympathetic to her calls, and accused her of creating the situation, of being a drama queen, of using them to try to get back at her ex, etc. I have to wonder, had her ex made good on his many threats to harm her, what good the police would have done. And the restraining order seemed worth less than the paper it was printed on.





Thank you for joining the thread. Dr Feelgood asked a good question and fudge if I knew how to answer it. So yes, I was hoping the SW would participate 


The incident I recalled took place very long ago.......but has stayed with me...an impression of battered women and the frustrations people that work with them must feel. My ex-husband had a friend we were visiting. The friend had too much to drink and started bashing his pregnant girlfriend. This upset us, of course, and my ex literally held the guy down on the couch and wouldn't let him hit his gf any more. 
She refused to leave with us.....she refused to go next door to her parent's home. We stayed for a couple of hours, trying to calm him down....trying to get her to leave. 
She didn't care he would beat her ass.....she wasn't afraid of it. 

We didn't go over there again after that......not being able to stand it. She called us from the hospital when her baby was born and we went to visit her there. I hardly recognized her....months later...both of her eyes black and blue. Her prince had given her such a bad beating weeks earlier she had been hospitalized from it....at 8 months pregnant. In conversation with her, I got the impression she thought that the baby would change something.......

Last few times I have ran into her.....she's long got rid of her abuser. I told her how glad I was that she was away from him and told her she didn't deserve the shit he gave her. I think my words might have meant something from the way she hugged me. 

I didn't tell her about how I had known a woman that was her neighbor in the apartment complex where she had moved to. The lady told me how not only her bf liked to beat her, but his whole family of female relatives came and beat her up, too. The neighbor was astounded.......not knowing her but upset by the way it happened so frequently. 

I'm not judging her......remember....I'm the woman that stayed with the guy that kicked me in the head. 

I'm the woman that started talking to the ex-bf again after he had tried to beat me in a drunken rage. He didn't succeed because I tried to take his head off with a shovel in my yard. This was after the other time I took him back after fleeing from my own home because he was trying to trap me in a back bedroom so he ripped my home apart instead (my children weren't home). 

I didn't call the police any of those times either......I felt sorry for the guy that had been molested as a child and had recently got his abuser sent to jail....decades later. 

My biggest regret is that I seemed to lose something in the eyes of my oldest daughter when she saw the destruction in our home and then saw me forgive him later on for it all. I am her example....and what a shitty one I make when it comes to the menfolk. 


I think you are correct about the laws changing.....at least in my state. Ironically, the one person I know that was jailed from them was my friend Amy. She broke up with an ex-bf/father of her son. He didn't take it well and started stalking her. He called the police and claimed he had lived with her (he had never lived with her) and that she had hit him. 

She was arrested.....and had to spend the night in jail until she could go in front of a judge the next morning.... because it was considered domestic violence. The person accused of abuse now has to spend X amount of time in jail before release. My friend explained that allows an abused person time to get away/out.....and she says that she didn't mind being in jail over night if that law saves someone's life.......



joswitch said:


> When my Mum divorced my violent, psycho Dad she was rightly concerned he'd kill us all (and himself) in his initial rage. She hired a PI to serve the papers to him at the airport (on his return from "holiday") got a locksmith to change all the locks on the house, took me (aged 11) and my bro (age 4) to the bus station, and without telling anyone where we were going, went off to the seaside for a few days.. Me and my bro thought it was a little holiday.. My Dad did break into the house on his return.. We weren't there.. We all lived.. My mum literally saved our lives with that action. To anyone in a similar situation - do not announce your departure, get out, get gone, don't go back and don't ever let on where you've gone. Good luck to anyone in that situation reading this.



I left my abusive, crazy first ex-husband by tossing all my clothes/things in the back of my car while he was at work.....and "hid" for several days. I couldn't go to my mom's place.......I tried to once really late at night after hiding out all day, in the hope of avoiding him....but he was waiting at three in the morning for me. 
I just stayed a different place (with friends that he didn't know where they resided) each night....or slept in my car until I knew he was at work. 
He got the point finally and agreed to split more peacefully....... 



Dr. Feelgood said:


> Such is often the case, TraciJo ... but once I was on the jury in a case where the restraining order was crucial. The guy broke through his ex-wife's kitchen door one New Year's Eve, raped her, and held her hostage in her own home. She finally persuaded him to take her to the emergency room (he had broken her finger while raping her) where she told the nurse, "I've been raped," and specimens were taken. Well, rape isn't always taken real seriously out here in God's Country and Western , but what we the jury _were_ able to send him away for was _burglary_! It would've been trespassing, which is a misdemeanor -- but the wife had taken out a restraining order, the violation of which made it burglary, a felony. So _sometimes_ a restraining order comes in handy.



Good to know


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## Jane (Nov 16, 2009)

Police officers who behave as you have described could possibly be abusive themselves or may have grown up in an abusive home. If they accept it as "normal"...obviously there is a problem.

And Dr. Feelgood, while we both live in Oklahoma, crazy freakoid stalker behavior is not limited to Oklahoma alone. The male attitude here of being able to "control your woman" doesn't help, though.

I worked, peripherially, with an abused women's shelter, and the times they had trouble was almost invariably when the women had called their abusers and told them where they were. Escaping the psychological issues surrounding abuse is the hardest part. It can become a pathology through generations of a family.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 24, 2009)

> Violence Against Women Online Resources provides materials on domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking for criminal justice professionals, sexual assault and domestic violence victim advocates, and other multi-disciplinary professionals and community partners who respond to these crimes.
> 
> The materials on this site were developed by organizations with expertise in violence against women who provide technical assistance for grantees funded through the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice.
> 
> http://www.vaw.umn.edu/





> GENERAL INFORMATION ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
> 
> This first group of websites provides general information on what domestic violence is, how to get help, and links to just about any aspect of abuse you might look for, including safety plans, links to Power and Control wheels and extensive lists of books, articles and of state coalitions. Scroll down (or use the links on the right to navigate) for resources on domestic violence in ethnic or religious groups, of deaf women, women with disabilities, lesbians, rural and Native American women. There are also resources focused on what communities can do.
> http://www.abusedwomen.org/resources.html




***Not all the links on this one work but some do so I'm posting it


> Domestic Violence Notepad
> (Do not allow yourself to be a victim)
> 
> 
> ...


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 24, 2009)

> *Dating Violence*
> 
> _Teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Young women need a dating safety plan._
> 
> ...




*
Dating Bill of Rights*

I have a right to:

Ask for a date

Refuse a date

Suggest activities

Refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them

Have my own feelings and be able to express them

Say, "I think my friend is wrong and his actions are inappropriate"

Tell someone not to interrupt me

Have my limits and values respected

Tell my partner when I need affection

Refuse affection

Be heard

Refuse to lend money

Refuse sex any time, for any reason

Have friends and space aside from my partner


*I have the responsibility to:*

Determine my limits and values

Respect the limits of others

Communicate clearly and honestly

Not violate the limits of others

Ask for help when I need it

Be considerate

Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for me

Set high goals for myself

From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.



> T.E.A.R- Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships
> 
> STATISTICS
> 
> ...


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 24, 2009)

WARNING
How an abuser can discover your internet activities

If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.

If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, they may be printed and saved as evidence of this abuse. Additionally, the messages may constitute a federal offense. For more information on this issue, contact your local United States Attorney's Office.

history / cache file:

If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet.

You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browser's settings.*

Netscape:
Pull-down Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator on choose 'Clear History'. Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".

On older versions of Netscape: Pull down Options menu. Select Network Options, Select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".

Internet Explorer :
Pull-down View menu, select Internet Options. On General page, under Temporary Internet Files , click on "Delete Files". Under History click on "Clear History."

AOL :
Pull-down Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.

* This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.


http://www.wrcsc.org/Warning.htm


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## KittyKitten (Nov 24, 2009)

*Good list, but I strongly disagree with the jealousy part. I think that is a healthy part of a relationship. Jealousy to a certain degree shows that you care about the person. Now being extremely possessive is not healthy "Where are you at?", "Why are you not at home?", etc. And yes, from what I have seen with my male friends, many women are EXTREMELY possessive of their men. When a lover becomes possessive that just makes the man or woman more likely to cheat. *


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## cinnamitch (Nov 24, 2009)

happyface83 said:


> *Good list, but I strongly disagree with the jealousy part. I think that is a healthy part of a relationship. Jealousy to a certain degree shows that you care about the person. Now being extremely possessive is not healthy "Where are you at?", "Why are you not at home?", etc. And yes, from what I have seen with my male friends, many women are EXTREMELY possessive of their men. When a lover becomes possessive that just makes the man or woman more likely to cheat.
> *



If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in


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## KittyKitten (Nov 24, 2009)

cinnamitch said:


> If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in



*I'm sorry if some women expect men to have no flaws--- to be Super Duper Mr Perfect. Then so many women wonder why they are single and still looking. Well, sorry, that man doesn't exist. But there is something called a Good Man he is not perfect but he is good enough. As human beings we all have certain types of character flaws. Jealousy is human nature. Henceforth, anyone who does not have some form of jealousy inside them is not a human! As I said before there is nothing wrong with a certain degree of jealousy, but when it becomes possessiveness, that is a problem. There's nothing wrong with what I said. *


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## mossystate (Nov 24, 2009)

Happy, why did you jump from what Cinna said...to the rant about reasons why women are single? Where did she say anything about women expecting ' perfect ' men? Is it that everything you personally experience and like/accept, means that if another woman does not acccept it, she must be somehow wrong and destined to a life alone? I just don't get it.


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## KittyKitten (Nov 24, 2009)

cinnamitch said:


> If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in



_* You think I said that's the only way someone cares about a person? No. I should have been more clear--jealousy is a natural human trait. My boyfriend gets a little jealous of other men because I am a beautiful, sexy mami. But you know what? If that is sick, then so be it. He is still a damn good man! *_


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 24, 2009)

I can live with slight jealousy...to be honest, when my second husband showed some "light" jealousy.....I could "take it" because it seemed so "easy" to handle after my first crazy husband. He was EXTREMELY jealous/possessive/insecure. (read: the first guy made the second one seem like a prince simply because he "wasn't as bad" :doh

My first ex-husband physically held me down and wouldn't let me leave the house many times. He had the second key to my car and would love to "hide" it from me if I "defied" him and went somewhere he didn't want me to go with friends. 
He followed me to the grocery store, after I told him where I was going, and wanted to know "who I was there to see". It was like stepping into the twilight zone....I was there to buy groceries....not screw a bag boy. :blink:
He would start fights with my friends, start fights with my family, attempted to alienate me from my family and even started fights with strangers that looked our/my way. 
My marriage quickly went from me trying to sooth/please him to me wishing one of those random strangers he started fights with would kick the living shit out of him. 

Jealousy can definitely be a sign of abuse......I know because I have lived it first hand. 

I was 19 years old the first time I got married- 22 the second time. Yes, too young to know wtf I was doing. Why I posted that link/info for teens. It does start with the young.....

I think a "little jealousy" or insecurity can occur in some relationships - but when it grows to be a consuming, problematic cloud over the relationship, no way in the world that is normal or healthy. 



> Jealously is a "hot-button" for many in abusive and in non-abusive relationships. It can be misinterpreted as a sign of caring for someone so much that the jealous partner reaches "tilt" should they sense the possibility of losing one's affections. However, never let this fool you. As it has nothing to do with your value or your partner's valuing of you. To the contrary.
> 
> If the jealously presents as a possessiveness of your time, attention, energy...then you are more likely looking at a jealously of a different bread. This type of possessive jealously is more about not having the capacity to share "center stage" with anything else when it comes to you being the audience.
> 
> ...



http://www.ideamarketers.com/?Jealo...n_of_an_Abusive_Relationship&articleid=375183




> *How to Overcome Jealousy*
> 
> Overcoming jealousy isn't easy - especially for men and women with low self-esteem. However, envious feelings can make you bitter and resentful over time. This can lower self-confidence even more, and drive friends and family away. It's not fun to hang out with people who can't be happy with themselves! If you've been having envy issues, here's how to overcome jealousy:
> 
> ...



http://www.ehow.com/how_5620889_overcome-jealousy.html


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 24, 2009)

Insecure people are attracted to each other, I suspect. It's part of the dysfunctional dance, isn't it?

And, as always, I am in this mix and not judging anyone.


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## KittyKitten (Nov 24, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I can live with slight jealousy...to be honest, when my second husband showed some "light" jealousy.....I could "take it" because it seemed so "easy" to handle after my first crazy husband. He was EXTREMELY jealous/possessive/insecure. (read: the first guy made the second one seem like a prince simply because he "wasn't as bad" :doh
> 
> My first ex-husband physically held me down and wouldn't let me leave the house many times. He had the second key to my car and would love to "hide" it from me if I "defied" him and went somewhere he didn't want me to go with friends.
> He followed me to the grocery store, after I told him where I was going, and wanted to know "who I was there to see". It was like stepping into the twilight zone....I was there to buy groceries....not screw a bag boy. :blink:
> ...


_*
Thank you GreenEyedFairy! That is all I was saying. Jealousy to a certain degree is fine, but when it becomes consuming, that is when it becomes abusive. 
*_


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## cinnamitch (Nov 24, 2009)

happyface83 said:


> *I'm sorry if some women expect men to have no flaws--- to be Super Duper Mr Perfect. Then so many women wonder why they are single and still looking. Well, sorry, that man doesn't exist. But there is something called a Good Man he is not perfect but he is good enough. As human beings we all have certain types of character flaws. Jealousy is human nature. Henceforth, anyone who does not have some form of jealousy inside them is not a human! As I said before there is nothing wrong with a certain degree of jealousy, but when it becomes possessiveness, that is a problem. There's nothing wrong with what I said. *



I am not a jealous person, does that mean i am not human? Honestly in any relationship i had i trusted that person to do right. If i was proven that my trust was misplaced then lesson learned. Being jealous would have not changed a thing, just would have made me feel like shit. I would hope a man i am with would not have to be jealous of me. I do not do things to encourage that feeling and so far it has worked for me


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## KittyKitten (Nov 24, 2009)

cinnamitch said:


> If the only way you can tell if a person cares about you is by how jealous they are, then that is a sick relationship to be in



*See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels. 

My goodness......*


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## mossystate (Nov 24, 2009)

I also think it matters if a person is letting you know they are jealous, as a way of telling you just how wonderful they think you are......not healthy. 

Pangs of jealousy are pretty normal. Making sure your partner knows you are jealous, or wearing it as some badge of honor...that is just odd. Normal does not mean the deeper reasons should not be worked on...that's how shit becomes way out of control.


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## cinnamitch (Nov 24, 2009)

happyface83 said:


> *See how my words got twisted. I never even said 'that's the only way I can tell a person cares' by their jealousy levels.
> 
> My goodness......*



Dudette smooth your hackles. I meant you as in the general population of you, not specifying YOU at all


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 25, 2009)

Jealousy is a waste of energy. It solves nothing, it creates drama. And it reveals insecurity. The older I get the more ridiculous jealousy seems.


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## TraciJo67 (Nov 25, 2009)

happyface83 said:


> *Good list, but I strongly disagree with the jealousy part. I think that is a healthy part of a relationship. Jealousy to a certain degree shows that you care about the person. Now being extremely possessive is not healthy "Where are you at?", "Why are you not at home?", etc. And yes, from what I have seen with my male friends, many women are EXTREMELY possessive of their men. When a lover becomes possessive that just makes the man or woman more likely to cheat. *



happyface, with all due respect, this doesn't belong here. We all get that there's such a thing as healthy jealousy. This thread is about abusive relationships, and as such, the type of jealousy that GEF is highlighting serves as a red flag. This is an important thread. GEF (and others) have put a considerable amount of time -- and consideration -- into it. I know that you enjoy spirited debate. But please ... not here.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 26, 2009)

A random sample of students at a large Midwestern University was selected in order to examine whether and how physical and sexual abuse were related to each other for men and women, whether abuse in one relationship was independent of abuse in other relationships, and how victims responded to abusive incidents. The results revealed several important patterns. _When comparing the frequency of physical and sexual abuse for men and women, it was found that sexual abuse was more common than physical abuse, but only for women. Additionally, women experienced more sexual abuse than men. While men and women did not experience physical abuse in other relationships at more than chance levels, *women who sustained sexual abuse in one relationship were more likely to sustain sexual abuse in other relationships. *_Furthermore, while sustaining physical and sexual abuse were not associated with one another for men, there was a weak association for women. Finally, victims of abuse were more likely to tell their friends they had been abused than report it to criminal justice authorities.

http://www.springerlink.com/content/l7u1x644041x82x0/

But let's switch to what we should be striving for.....



> _Co-Creating a Healthy Relationship_
> 
> Dr Glasser states that every human being needs at least one primary relationship in their life where they know for sure that they are loved. He says we need a healthy, intimate relationship with that other human being in order to meet four basic human needs...
> For a fulfilling relationship we need to:
> ...



http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/healthy_relationship.html


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## Emma (Dec 3, 2009)

Reading through those lists really freaks me out. Not because I'm in an abusive relationship but because I do a lot of things on the list. I'll bold the ones I do:

**Is jealous or possessive toward you.*
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)
**Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.*
bullet Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
*Is violent and / or *loses his or her temper quickly.*
*Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
**Abuses drugs or alcohol.*
**Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state.* (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
**Blames you when he or she mistreats you.*
**Has a history of bad relationships.*
*Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
**You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
bullet Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.*
*Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship,* and/or was abused as a child.*
**Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.*
*Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
*You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of *You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Does the person you love...

* constantly keep track of your time?*

 act jealous and possessive?

 accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

 discourage your relationships with friends and family?

 *prevent or discourage you from working,* interacting with friends or attending school?

* constantly criticize or belittle you?*

* control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)*

* humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)*

* destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?*

* have affairs?*

* threaten to hurt you,* your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

 push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

 force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with? 


Its hit like a ton of breaks. I don't do all the stuff all the time, and I do believe a lot of it is his fault but I react really badly to all the stupid things he does and I do a lot to get a reaction out of him like a spoilt child. 

I honestly didn't think all that stuff was that bad. I mean I know I wouldn't put up with it in a relationship. I honestly didn't think I was that bad until reading the list.  So now I reconise this behaviour is there ways to try and change it?


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## Emma (Dec 3, 2009)

I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 3, 2009)

CurvyEm said:


> I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.



I have done some pretty "un-nice" things back to my own exes. I chalk that part up to be a co-dependent.
Not saying that it is YOUR situation, just adding something from my own experiences.

Co-dependents abuse each other. 



> Signs of a Codependent Relationship
> Unhealthy dependencies and repressed anger could be just a few red flags that you are codependent.
> 
> Origins in Childhood
> ...


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## Fascinita (Dec 5, 2009)

CurvyEm said:


> I guess lol I like to know where he is because when he is late I worry that something has happened to him, and I do have a terrible temper. I dunno, the list just freaked me out. I guess it depends which ones you do with which ones. Maybe I'll just speak to him about it and see how he feels about the list.



Best of luck, Em. I think self-reflection is a good thing. And a conversation might even bring you two closer. I hope it goes well.


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## calauria (Jan 11, 2010)

i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 11, 2010)

calauria said:


> i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
> i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....



Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems. 
I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me. 
Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.


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## calauria (Jan 13, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Don't be sorry. That's the point of this thread- to work through these types of problems.
> I have had a life similar to yours in some ways. I have been doing much better now. Hope it works out for you.....I understand about "feeling marked" as in I had to wonder if people were able to see some invisible brand on my forehead that said abuse me.
> Now I know better.....I have more control of my life and relationships now, too.



Thank you for your encouragment. It is good to know that there is a way out of this.


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## kristineirl (Jun 21, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Wow....we have a board for BBW now.....so let's talk about some women's issues, shall we?
> 
> How about those abusive relationships?
> 
> ...



holy canole. if this list is accurate, then _every single one_ of my relationships have been abusive relationships. not physically (at least not all of them) but they sure have been emotionally distressing. cripes.


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## nettie (Jun 25, 2010)

Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread GEF, and all your subsequent posts. It is so important for us to be discussing this!

In fact, this is the very topic I'm covering with my groups this summer and I've had some amazing conversations with male and female teens regarding their experiences and thoughts. If you have teenage children, please start having conversations with them, as well. It's crucial that they be able to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships. And, you'll be awed by their insight and wisdom.


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## katherine22 (Jun 25, 2010)

calauria said:


> i don't know...i feel like i'm cursed or something...my relationship with my family is abusive, had abusive friendships and romantic relationships...i know what abuse is and all, but i always find myself in these unhealthy relationships...i've seriously thought that maybe i'm too damaged to really ever heal, somewhat...to at least find some peace in life...i don't know....i've been abused all my life, i don't know anything else....maybe i attract abusive people and maybe i'm subconciously attracted to them....i don't know....
> i know i'm making all kinds of depressing responses to posts...i'm just very depressed to day...sorry....



We acquire our sense of normal from the family in which we were raised. If your father was abusvie to your mother, you will think that is normal behavior until you learn differently. Counseling can be helpful in understanding how one is continually attracted to abusive people. One question to ask that might inspire your thinking is - what would your life look like if you were in a good relationship and do the people that you associate with contribute to your vision of a good life for yourself?


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 25, 2010)

nettie said:


> Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread GEF, and all your subsequent posts. It is so important for us to be discussing this!
> 
> In fact, this is the very topic I'm covering with my groups this summer and I've had some amazing conversations with male and female teens regarding their experiences and thoughts. If you have teenage children, please start having conversations with them, as well. It's crucial that they be able to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships. And, you'll be awed by their insight and wisdom.



Sounds like good advice- thanks


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## tiger (Aug 7, 2010)

I havent read too many of the messages here but I get the general jist! Which is knowing when your in an abusive relationship. Im sure its already been written but women do not have a monopoly of being the victims of abusive relationships. It is the stereotypical notion that women are usually the hapless victims of abusive controlling men yet this is only half the story. The thing is alot of men in abusive relationships dont speak out for various reasons. Many reasons that women dont face. For every women that is in an abusive relationship there is a man in the same situation. Which begs the question of why do people get involved in abusive relationships? Well the answer is two fold. For half the people in these relationships they have actually chosen this type of relationship due to damaged and dysfunctional aspects of their own personality, this is done by upbringing mostly. These people unconsciously attrack and are attracked to the very types that will be bad for them and the very types that created these dysfunctions in the first place. These people accept the abuse because on some level it is familiar and therefore safe. For example the abused child who although dosent like abuse is on one level familiar with it so accepts it within a relationship. Then we have the other group of people who are in abusive relationships and this is the group I have found myself in. This group includes people who although havent been abused throughout childhood are willinging to see the good in people and give people the benefit of the doubt. The trickly thing with this group is that at first the abuse is subtle and one may not even be aware they are being abused. At first it wont seem like much and you ll think your creating things in your mind and dismiss yourself and your thoughts as being overly critical and picky. But over time things get slowly worse and you find yourself being abused a little more often and a little more overtly. You begin to feel very uncomfortable but because you like the person you still dismiss it and justify your feelings of discomfort by telling yourself your just making things up and once again put the emphasis on yourself and not the other person. Eventually you feel the pangs in your solar plexus when you realise you can no longer deny that the person you are with is an abusive person and you are in an abusive relationship. If you are not experienced it is easy to fall into this trap. The thing is with this type of relationship is that the abusive person has you questioning your entire reference points. They have subtly undermined you on every level and have begun to take your mind and soul. You find yourself defering to them on every occassion and find you cannot think for yourself anymore. If you do think for yourself you are labelled as inconsiderate or selfish. As the first post pointed out, key signs to watch out for in abusive relationships are possessiveness, where you are labelled selfish for meerly maintaing some boundaries, control freaks, who attempt to control evetry element of your personality and once again label you selfish and inconsiderate when you dare not allow this control, people who put you down if you dont do what they want or who put you down even if you do and of course there is the violent aspect which once again does not only apply to women. What im trying to say is that if the human race is going to continue to justify behaviour on the grounds of gender then we hare never going to progess. You mite hear the well known cliche of "women love bad boys" or "treat em mean keep em keen" what these statements are actually referring to are abusive relationships or an attraction based on dysfunctional and faulty emotional processes which are patterns based in childhood.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Aug 7, 2010)

Tiger, you're right.....it has already been pointed out.


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## tiger (Aug 8, 2010)

I thought so, just wanted to put my two cents worth in as this subject touches very close.


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## tiger (Aug 8, 2010)

Actually reading more of this post, its quite an interesting area and a liberating feeling to come to terms with and know why you have made the choices you have and why your life has been as it has. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family environment and have learnt to be co dependant which I am very much aware of. Consequently I have chosen the "wrong types", the types who will only reinforce this codependent mindset. Interesting topic and liberating to be aware of and relieving to escape from.


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## blubberismanly (Aug 8, 2010)

Quickest method of ending relationship...

Divorce plus restraining order.

Worked for me. It wasn't super easy and I had to use a check he didn't know I had...and I had to separate from him first.

6 moths later I was free.


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## hal84 (Aug 18, 2010)

Abusive relationships go both ways. I was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship when i was younger. She would berate me and take out her life issues on me, it would also become physical with the last straw is boiling coffee thrown on me. I walked away and I have learned from it, but it still hurt like nothing else at the time. Just through I'd put in my two cents.


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## Shan34 (Jul 27, 2011)

My abusive relationship experience taught me well. In the beginning he did the classic separating me from my friends and family, wanting to know where I was at all times, got physically abusive. You know, the classic abusive relationship.

I left him for a while. I went back on the statements that he had changed, blah blah blah. And he did. But it was many years later that I realized he just changed his tactics. He used my fears against me, teased me with knives (don't ask me why I'm scared of them-cuz I don't know), and many other weird things like that. At the end I began to think that I was going insane. Because I was constantly fighting myself. I'd tell myself, "my god, he's just joking around" but it didn't truly ever feel like that. And I knew that when I got so scared I cried and he didn't stop...that's not joking. 

Just be aware that an abusive relationship evolves. And it's sometimes hard to recognize abuse.


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## Lamia (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you for sharing your stories and I am sure this thread will help many people. I am so thankful that I've never had any of these awful experiences. I am concerned that maybe I am too controlling and bossy though.


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## missyj1978 (Mar 28, 2014)

I know this is a old thread but I have recently had my ex beat me up pretty bad. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can move on and get over the attack. It was not a slap or just a punch it was him sitting on top of me punching me in my face about 15 times(a guess). He is a big man and totally over powered me. He knocked me out half way threw but I remember him saying he was going to kill me and I better say my prayers. 

I ended up being put into the hospital due to the extent of the injuries. My face was totally unrecognizable after it happened. My 5 year old son broke down when he seen me and is now definitely affected by this. He knew right away that his father did this to me  

I would like any and all input from anyone who has gone threw this. How can I help my son not be in fear for me, because he is. How can I let go of this because I know by holding onto it that still gives him power over me. How can I protect myself from this monster? The court isn't much help giving his a whole 60 days for domestic violence


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## loopytheone (Mar 28, 2014)

missyj1978 said:


> I know this is a old thread but I have recently had my ex beat me up pretty bad. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can move on and get over the attack. It was not a slap or just a punch it was him sitting on top of me punching me in my face about 15 times(a guess). He is a big man and totally over powered me. He knocked me out half way threw but I remember him saying he was going to kill me and I better say my prayers.
> 
> I ended up being put into the hospital due to the extent of the injuries. My face was totally unrecognizable after it happened. My 5 year old son broke down when he seen me and is now definitely affected by this. He knew right away that his father did this to me
> 
> I would like any and all input from anyone who has gone threw this. How can I help my son not be in fear for me, because he is. How can I let go of this because I know by holding onto it that still gives him power over me. How can I protect myself from this monster? The court isn't much help giving his a whole 60 days for domestic violence



Oh my lord, I am so so sorry you had to go through that. That is nothing short of traumatising for you and I can understand your son being so scared as well, that is absolutely horrific. It might be a good idea for you and your son to see therapists at least in the short term, they usually offer special support in cases where something traumatic has happened like this. I am afraid I am not much help in terms of practical solutions but could you prosecute him for ABH or GBH rather than domestic violence? They both carry more severe penalties and you would probably get more support from the courts. It is possible you could get a restraining order to keep him away from you and your son? I don't know if they would put you in protection or if you would want that but if you don't mind moving you might be able to make a clean break like that with help from the courts. 

Just a few ideas, I am so sorry. I am sure you will continue to be an excellent mother to your son no matter what.


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## bigmac (Mar 28, 2014)

missyj1978 said:


> ... How can I let go of this because I know by holding onto it that still gives him power over me. How can I protect myself from this monster? The court isn't much help giving his a whole 60 days for domestic violence




He only got 60 days? That seems absurdly low. However, he will still be on probation and can easily be taken back into custody. Talk to victim services and get the name and extension number of his probation officer. Make sure his probation officer has seen the hospital records so he/she knows this was an extraordinary case. Get a little note book. Record any and all violations of the restraining order (i.e. phone calls, threats, stalking) and convey them to his probation officer with as much detail as possible (include contact information of any witnesses). Good luck.


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## missyj1978 (Mar 28, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> Oh my lord, I am so so sorry you had to go through that. That is nothing short of traumatising for you and I can understand your son being so scared as well, that is absolutely horrific. It might be a good idea for you and your son to see therapists at least in the short term, they usually offer special support in cases where something traumatic has happened like this. I am afraid I am not much help in terms of practical solutions but could you prosecute him for ABH or GBH rather than domestic violence? They both carry more severe penalties and you would probably get more support from the courts. It is possible you could get a restraining order to keep him away from you and your son? I don't know if they would put you in protection or if you would want that but if you don't mind moving you might be able to make a clean break like that with help from the courts.
> 
> Just a few ideas, I am so sorry. I am sure you will continue to be an excellent mother to your son no matter what.



Thank you Loopy, I am trying to get him in to talk to someone. Its hard to find someone in this little town im in right now. I pray that when he gets out he will just leave and go back to his home state and leave me and the kids be. I have a no contact order on his right now and when he gets out I will have a personal protection order as well. The courts did tell me I don't have to let him see the kids unless he takes me to court for parenting time. I don't think he has enough smarts to try to do that. I worry, if he can do this to me what can he do to my kids...


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## missyj1978 (Mar 28, 2014)

bigmac said:


> He only got 60 days? That seems absurdly low. However, he will still be on probation and can easily be taken back into custody. Talk to victim services and get the name and extension number of his probation officer. Make sure his probation officer has seen the hospital records so he/she knows this was an extraordinary case. Get a little note book. Record any and all violations of the restraining order (i.e. phone calls, threats, stalking) and convey them to his probation officer with as much detail as possible (include contact information of any witnesses). Good luck.



Yes!! I agree its absurdly low, crazy low. When I questioned why only 60 days they told me it was due to the over crowding in the jail!? Then let some of the petty criminals out and keep the violent offenders in! 
I sent a long letter and hospital records along with pictures to the judge but it didn't help. My close friends and family flooded the court house with letters begging then to give him a stiffer charge but that didn't work. 
I fear for my life to be honest and this monster of a man can sit back and enjoy the mess he has made of mine and his kids life.
So my question is if he contacts me when he gets out by phone I can call his probation officer and they will lock him back up for this correct. Im sure he will try, he will want to see his kids. Also if he comes on my property and I let a dog loose on him or a male friend hits him will we get in trouble for that. I am just trying to protect myself and my family...


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## AuntHen (Mar 28, 2014)

What about domestic violence safe houses? Moving in with a relative or friend far away? Moving far away period?


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## missyj1978 (Mar 28, 2014)

fat9276 said:


> What about domestic violence safe houses? Moving in with a relative or friend far away? Moving far away period?



Yes I am going to be gone when he gets out of jail and hope he leaves quickly seeing how most of his friends no longer want nothing to do with him. The place he was staying at before all this happened is no longer a option for him.


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## Tad (Mar 28, 2014)

First, holy crud, nobody should ever go through what youve gone through, and my heart goes out to you. Im pretty committed to rehabilitation not retribution, but in cases like this a big part of me says He should lose the hand he hit you with. That instead he gets 60 days in jail.the mind boggles. Id rate what he did as a lot worse than a lot of crimes that would draw larger sentences.

As for what to do next.I know nothing about such situations, but Id second that if there is some sort of agency or not-for-profit group that deals with your sort of situation (victim services, battered women support group, etc), get in touchveterans of the system in your area may have good advice or valuable experience for you. (or if there are such groups where you are moving too). Drawing from the experience of people who know such situations and what has and hasnt worked for others seems to me the best thing you could do.

One thing that I can think of, just to be on the safe side, is to set up password with your kidsthat if anyone else other than you ever comes to pick them up from school, daycare, wherever, they dont go with them no matter what unless the person knows the password. (and dont make it something easy to guess, like the name of a pet or their favorite TV character). Hopefully hell stay well away, but an ounce of prevention Do it now, just to have it settled into place before he gets out.

More broadly, I know you are saying that you hope that hell move on and leave you alone. I hope so too! But you know all those sayings God helps those who help themselves, Hope is good, hope and a back-up plan is better, Praise god..and pass the ammunition in other words, if and when you can stand to do so, you might want to work through some trees of likely outcomes and see what you can do to head off the worse and encourage the best. Aside from helping things turn out better, doing so may help you feel more in control and safer, too.

**everything after this is me talking out of my hind-parts, because I dont know him and have never been in such a situation and I dont know what is usually recommended. This is just me thinking out loud, based on my experience with people ** 

For example, if he gets out of jail, and there is nothing keeping him in your current townwhere is he likely to go? Does he have family or friends elsewhere who might take him in and help him re-start his life (who live far from where you are heading?) If so, can you encourage them to offer to do so, for his sake and yours? If not, are there agencies that help guys coming out of jail, and could you somehow put him in touch with them? I know that you shouldnt still be looking out for him after what he did, but you are doing it for you and your kidsgiving him something positive to go to might help head off him making more stupid choices.

Also, does he have the sort of personality where he may be fixated on seeing his kid(s)? If so, can you bear to give him a route that could lead to that some (distant) day if he behaves himself? (When our son turns ten, if you have stayed out of jail and are working, I think it would be good for him to get to know you again, as a man who is living his live responsibly and not as the man who tortured and brutalized his mother. Here is the person Id like to use to set up any such contact. If there is any contact before then or you cant get yourself straight, then you dont see him.) (Youd need a very trustworthy intermediary who wont flake out, and wont divulge your contact info). If he is apt to be desperate not to lose all chance to see them but you are determined that there will never be contact (barring them choosing to find him once they are adults) then what can you do to really be hard to trace and hard to get at if he does trace you? If you think that there is a real chance of him trying to track you down, Id think it would make sense to get a mailbox to route all mail to, to avoid facebook and ask others not to tag you there, to make sure that if you have a phone land-line that it is unlisted, that you have solid doors and locks and peep-holes, etcIm sure there are others who can give you much more thorough advice.

Finally, fingers crossed, wishes sent your way, and hoping and praying that he leaves you alone to live your life in peace.


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## missyj1978 (Mar 28, 2014)

Wow Tad, wonderful advice thank you so much. The password thing, YES I am doing this. And he does have family where he can go far away from me. I just want to say thank you for putting so much time and thought into this and from the bottom of my heart I thank you so much.


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## dharmabean (Mar 28, 2014)

missyj1978 said:


> ....I have recently had my ex beat me up pretty bad. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can move on and get over the attack. ...



I can relate more than you know. I am going to be sending over a private message to you. I am fresh out of an abusive relationship. I fled and moved 5hrs away while he was in jail for it. 

I cannot offer much advice but this:

Take baby steps. Work on you. 
TRY to follow through on a no contact order (this is hard, trust me). 
Don't blame yourself, there's already enough victim shaming and blaming out there. You don't need to follow suit.
Get help. Seek out a D.V. Advocacy. It truly has been a life altering experience involving myself with a dv group. 
Seek counseling, for both you and your son. This is going to leave a lasting impression on your son. You don't want him thinking that it's okay for men to do that to a woman.
 ALLOW yourself days of ups, downs, depression, frustration, anger. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Be gentle on yourself.


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## Sunshine_Fette (Dec 11, 2014)

missyj1978 said:


> I know this is a old thread but I have recently had my ex beat me up pretty bad. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can move on and get over the attack. It was not a slap or just a punch it was him sitting on top of me punching me in my face about 15 times(a guess). He is a big man and totally over powered me. He knocked me out half way threw but I remember him saying he was going to kill me and I better say my prayers.......



Oh my goodness, I am so sorry this happened to you. How are things now? I'm sorry if that is prying, I just wanted to see if you are staying safe.


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## Ohio Lady (Dec 12, 2014)

Been married three times ~ 2nd husband and I were married 14 years and I always said when a man hit me it would be his last because I was no one's punching bag.. Well on Nov. 7th he decided to hit me and when he did I called my son and told him to come over and get me out of that house.. he came with his dad, the step mom, and 2 others they had every bit of stuff which was all mine to begin with out of the house in 6 1/2 hours.. Once I walked out I never looked back. ~ I told every man I have ever been with "you may hit me once but you will never have a 2nd chance" and I have stood by that all my life and continue to stand on that today. It is actually a matter of making up your mind to walk out and doing it, some can't because of intimidation as was stated once here.


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## FatAndProud (Jan 9, 2015)

I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off...

I don't know what it is, but in the last 6 months men have approached me much more. Flirted with me. Exchanged numbers...all these things I am not used to. I met one guy that seemed approachable. He caught me off guard because he asked me out on Christmas  

Fast forward, and he ends up becoming aggressive and physical with me. He insists it's because he mixed his meds with alcohol and he normally doesn't do that...but he left marks all over my body. I was in pain for days. He was so strong. He wants to date me, but I'm afraid of him! He's nice otherwise...but I'm already finding myself making excuses for the abuse!


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## Tracyarts (Jan 9, 2015)

This thread popped up for me in a very timely manner. 

One of my closest friends is in a horribly abusive relationship but isn't ready to accept help in getting out and moving on. The ironic part is that this is the same friend who pointed out the warning signs with my ex and told me that I needed to look very closely at where things were heading with him. 

I got away from my ex before things got really bad. I found out many years later that he only escalated in his subsequent relationships. 

My friend is at the point where she has withdrawn almost completely from her friends and family. Too many questions she doesn't want to answer. Too much potential for trouble if he knows she is "talking to people". All she does is post requests for prayers on Facebook and the occasional plea for assistance when she is in a bind and needs a ride or a few bucks to buy a necessity. 

It's hard to watch. She knows she has allies and people who will help her get rid of him and pick up the pieces if and when she is ready to take that step. But it's all on her and she grew up in a home where her dad verbally and financially abused her mom and I guess that is her normal.


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## Marlayna (Jan 9, 2015)

FatAndProud said:


> I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off...
> 
> I don't know what it is, but in the last 6 months men have approached me much more. Flirted with me. Exchanged numbers...all these things I am not used to. I met one guy that seemed approachable. He caught me off guard because he asked me out on Christmas
> 
> Fast forward, and he ends up becoming aggressive and physical with me. He insists it's because he mixed his meds with alcohol and he normally doesn't do that...but he left marks all over my body. I was in pain for days. He was so strong. He wants to date me, but I'm afraid of him! He's nice otherwise...but I'm already finding myself making excuses for the abuse!


Run for the hills. These types can be very attractive and charming, but if you forgive the abuse, for any reason, that tells him that he can do whatever he wants to you and you'll put up with it.
Believe me, it's not worth it, and sooner or later it will only get worse. You're not the first one he was rough with, and you won't be the last.


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## CastingPearls (Jan 10, 2015)

FatAndProud said:


> I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off...
> 
> I don't know what it is, but in the last 6 months men have approached me much more. Flirted with me. Exchanged numbers...all these things I am not used to. I met one guy that seemed approachable. He caught me off guard because he asked me out on Christmas
> 
> Fast forward, and he ends up becoming aggressive and physical with me. He insists it's because he mixed his meds with alcohol and he normally doesn't do that...but he left marks all over my body. I was in pain for days. He was so strong. He wants to date me, but I'm afraid of him! He's nice otherwise...but I'm already finding myself making excuses for the abuse!


My sister was dating a man for over a year who was prescribed meds and either didn't take them regularly because he didn't like how he felt on them, or he took them with alcohol. 

She loved him. He moved in with her. There were times I didn't see her because I lived in another state and I was very ill. She'd take time off from work, though, and be my caregiver when my husband had mandatory work obligations. She, a very strong, beautiful, creative woman, was changing before my eyes, but because I myself was so sick and on strong narcotics, I was unaware of how much danger she was in.

One night I got a call that she was in the hospital. He had beaten her so badly, that he was banging her head on the steps outside her apartment and a neighbor heard her screaming. It happened suddenly without warning. There was no argument, no misunderstanding. 

When the police arrived, my sister was so injured that she was temporarily blinded and stumbled toward the officers and they caught her. They arrested him and he tested positive for intoxication. She refused to let me see her. She wouldn't even let me see the police report with the photos of the damage. She made excuses. She was humiliated. Because I was bedridden, I couldn't go to her. She wouldn't see my brothers. 

She took him back. She wouldn't discuss it.

She was dead a few months later. 

We still don't know what she died of. The toxicology report was screwed up several times and by the fourth time, she'd be cremated and there was no material left to test. 

He was in the house when she died. We'll never know what happened. We do know he disappeared with all her belongings, including her dog and two cats. 

My sister was 35. She was my only sister, and much too young and too vibrant to die. 

You know I sent you a private message, but I wanted to share this here too.

Don't make excuses for an abuser, ever. 

I have been abused. I left him. I'm alone for four years. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a man who hurts me again. You are strong. You are just as strong as I am. You don't need this man and you don't deserve abuse. There is no justification for it. None.


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