# how do you heal a twice broken heart?



## mermaid8 (Mar 21, 2014)

i know this may sound a bit pathetic and attention-seeking to some of you out there, but i am merely looking for some answers. 

In the last 10 yrs i have been in two long relationship one was 4 years and the other was three yrs and both men have feared marriage and commitment. I never spoken of marriage too often or too soon but both times they left me after years of effort and countless hours of love. 

The first relationship i made mistakes and failed to communicate my feelings to my boyfriend. So i know why that relationship failed, but the last relationship i worked hard to not repeat the mistakes from my past romances. Nevertheless, he still left with an earth-sized whole where my heart used to be. He said the relationship wasn't making him happy anymore, he wasn't satisfied, but he can't tell me why it wasn't making him happy anymore. He says that it wasn't me and i didn't do anything wrong...it's him, he needs to be alone and single for a while. He tells me that he loves me but he's just not happy - period. I built my world around him (i know that may sound weird to some people or sound like dependency) and i built a future with him in my mind. I saw both of us sitting a porch with gray hair drinking sweet tea ( i know it sounds corny but i want that kind of love) and now i'm left with an earth-sized whole in my heart, a searing unending pain and a ton of unanswered questions. 

How am i suppose to open my heart to another man and trust that he won't destroy it and leave me with the broken pieces of a dream gone awry? I swore to myself after my first break-up that i wouldn't open my heart so easily and that the next guy was going to be the right guy. The next guy was going to accept my flaws and find my body sexually attractive. My boyfriend, who just broke-up with my yesterday (over the phone) was that guy. He accepted my flaws and loved my curves so much that he couldn't keep his hands off of me. We were happy and communication was never a problem....we had a mature relationship and a year into the relationship i let him into my heart and now two years later he left me holding the broken pieces of my future. 

How am i suppose to move on? my first break-up nearly killed me...i don't think i have the strength to find any joy, love, or happiness ever again. I want so badly to be someone's everything, to be loved and cherished, to have a man that will commit to a life with me. I don't know where to go from here.


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## Donna (Mar 21, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> * snipped* I built my world around him *snipped*



These six words that I have quoted above are in my opinion why you are so devastated by this break-up. And perhaps they are the root of the break-up itself. Maybe even the key to healing as well. 

You are hurting right now, so that's the first thing you need to address. Mourn the relationship (just be careful not to get stuck in the grief and heartache) and when you're ready, talk to a professional---a psychologist, counselor or even a minister or healer. Through the process of counseling, work towards making peace with the former relationship. Acknowledge the good along with the bad and concentrate on making yourself happy. Build your world around you, not someone else. I think you will learn in time that a healthy and happy relationship does not revolve around one of the partners in that relationship. Allow yourself to heal and to be happy, and once you are happy you may find yourself ready for another relationship. 

Good luck and I hope it stops hurting soon.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 21, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> I built my world around him (i know that may sound weird to some people or sound like dependency) and i built a future with him in my mind.
> 
> I want so badly to be someone's everything, to be loved and cherished, to have a man that will commit to a life with me. I don't know where to go from here.



These two quotes are a bit troubling. I know it sounds romantic to create a world around the person you love, that person being the center of your universe. However this can be very destructive. You are giving the other person the power to control your happiness. That is not good for you or for the other person. It also puts pressure on the other person to always make sure you are happy. This kind of pressure is not good. Anyone will crack under that pressure.

The person you are in a relationship with should be your best friend. You don't expect your best friend to see you as their everything and you don't see your friend as your everything. You are just very compatible and you feel connected, but you don't expect each other to be the end all be all for each other.

The worse line ever is that line from Jerry McGuire.. "You complete me"...ugh...Each person should be a whole person before getting into a relationship. If a person is not happy and content on their own, they will not be content in a relationship. 

You have to be the center of your world. The other person should fit into your world easily, and should enhance it immensely, but the other person should not be the center of it.

Grieve your relationship because it was a big part of your life for so long. Mourn the loss of what could have been. But you must also know when to stop mourning and get on with the living. Find what makes you happy being single.


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## mermaid8 (Mar 22, 2014)

I don't people may misunderstand me when i say that i built my world around him because people reading this post may not know the whole story. first, it was a long distance relationship and I literally had to plan my life around when we would see each other. So, that is what i meant by that comment. Of course, i have my own friends (that i hangout with frequently), family, and professional life. I just meant that the construct of our relationship was so that we had to plan our lives around seeing each other. Also, i don't think it is possible to plan a future with someone you love and not eventually have that person become such an integral part of your life ,and your become the same for them, that both people wouldn't feel that way. My parents have that kind of marriage where they wouldn't know what to do without the other one being in their life, but that doesn't stop them from having separate parts to their lives. Sorry if people reading don't agree with my feelings, but i don't see anything nothing or unhealthy with feeling this way.


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## Sweet Tooth (Mar 22, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> I don't people may misunderstand me when i say that i built my world around him because people reading this post may not know the whole story. first, it was a long distance relationship and I literally had to plan my life around when we would see each other. So, that is what i meant by that comment. Of course, i have my own friends (that i hangout with frequently), family, and professional life. I just meant that the construct of our relationship was so that we had to plan our lives around seeing each other. Also, i don't think it is possible to plan a future with someone you love and not eventually have that person become such an integral part of your life ,and your become the same for them, that both people wouldn't feel that way. My parents have that kind of marriage where they wouldn't know what to do without the other one being in their life, but that doesn't stop them from having separate parts to their lives. Sorry if people reading don't agree with my feelings, but i don't see anything nothing or unhealthy with feeling this way.



I can't speak for others and what they mean, but I can speak from my own experience and how your words could be viewed. Having a marriage-level attitude towards a partner and your life together that isn't supported by the level of commitment between you both is what, I think, is the "worry zone". If it feels that you're saying you're committing more or expecting more than what your partner is willing to agree to, the imbalance puts a lot of frustration and hurt into the relationship and that can be what people are latching on to in what you wrote.

Sometimes it's a matter of both people having to get to the same level of commitment at their own pace, but the expectations have to be set at the lower level of the two parties, if that makes sense. If I'm saying I want to spend the rest of my life with someone to whom I'm not engaged, that's fine, but I can't make decisions as if they're already my spouse. In my experience, some guys like knowing they have you "on the hook" without them having to ask - or reciprocate - but then it can make them feel a little guilty if they know you're putting more into things than they are and they know they're taking advantage of it.

I had a LTR in which we were both committed to one another, but one I didn't express my feelings and hopes being as strong and serious as they were. I totally get that part of your letter. The relationship ended with both of us wanting more than we thought the other person wanted. If we'd just talked....

But I've had enough experience since then to know that I need to express my feelings and hopes, yet getting ahead of myself was a disaster. I don't care if he talked about wanting to marry me. If he could never seem to get around to making it happen, there was a reason [and sometimes they're quite reasonable ones]. If I started dreaming of the "forever" when it wasn't on offer, I ended up miserable, either because I was impatient or heartbroken.

I hate the "live in the moment" phrase, because it's not how I think naturally. But living in the place you are rather than the place you dream about while still hoping for and working towards a different/better future.... that's a tough line to walk, but it ends up a lot less heartbreaking.


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## MLadyJ (Mar 22, 2014)

I agree with almost everything said here. I think you really would benefit from professional help. Long distance romances can be very exciting..but they rarely last, it's hard to maintain that level of excitement. I have tried. It was fun at the beginning and then went steadily down hill...no matter how I tried and tried to keep it together. It was sad and how I greived when it ended. Things will get better!


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## exponder (Mar 22, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> i know this may sound a bit pathetic and attention-seeking to some of you out there, but i am merely looking for some answers.
> 
> In the last 10 yrs i have been in two long relationship one was 4 years and the other was three yrs and both men have feared marriage and commitment. I never spoken of marriage too often or too soon but both times they left me after years of effort and countless hours of love.
> 
> ...



I find it so Ironic to read this today. I am in a 100% identical position. It happen last night. Feels like my world is falling apart. No idea where to go from here either. Guess all we can do is hold on to time, it heals all wounds. You can always talk to us when needed. Feel free to message me too. I'm sorry you are hurting, but you aren't alone. Twice broken heart here too, and a very similiar time frame. The first one left me single for 12 years, never dated until 4 years ago. And now that's over too.


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## CleverBomb (Mar 22, 2014)

What _Sweet Tooth_ said.


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## mermaid8 (Mar 24, 2014)

you see that is the thing...communication was very important to me, so i always made him aware of what i wanted from the very beginning of our relationship and throughout our time together. I always asked him what he wanted and how you felt about everything. He said that he was afraid of commitment because he didn't think he would make a good husband. He has apologized for hurting me and has said he didn't know how to say what he was feeling. he said "i didn't know how you were going to take it" and i thought it was easier to give up then work on it...i was stupid and foolish. now he wants me back, but i don't know what to do. 

we were always on the same page in terms of where this relationship was headed, but now i just don't know if i can trust him again. all i know is that i can't cut him out of my life like he never existed to me and if there is any hope of finding some closure or a way back to trusting him then at the very least i have to just casually talk to him. i know it might not be the right thing for some people, but if there is ever a hope of finding some closure i have to this for myself. i have told him all i can offer right now is some level of friendship and that is because as a boyfriend he was never cruel or disrespectful to me. he just made a stupid decision without thinking but he did have a friendship before all this started and maybe that is all we can ever have from now one. i know most of you won't agree with my feelings but it's the best way i know how to deal with this situation.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 24, 2014)

To be honest, I am not sure where the distrust comes from. He was scared and backed away. From what you are saying, he didn't break trust, it is not like he lied to you, or stepped out on you. He just withdrew. Guess what, everyone does that when they are scared. He is being an adult and recognizing that he made a mistake and is trying to fix it. I just don't see how trust is an issue. He doesn't seem to have broken trust.

If he is the same guy he was when he broke up with you or even before the brake up, then I think the only question is: *Are you willing to put in the time to wait for him to be ready to marry you? 
*

And with this post I will graciously bow out of the thread. I hope things work out for the best for everyone.


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## ed1980 (Mar 25, 2014)

I think there are two different issues involved here.


The first one is how to fix a broken heart. I know, from personal experience that this is a complicated issue. When my marriage ended, I was devastated. I have really believed it would endure forever, that we were soul mates and that both of us were different from other people for longing for being instead of having in life.
What happened is that this heaven made marriage ended because she decided that the real important things for her were exactly those things we used to laugh about their vanity. It were not issues such as having a successful career or fighting for life, it was about living for applause and adapting to normality (whatever does this word mean) and it took me several years to fully understand this. It was the most painful experience in my life so far, but our ways gotten completely apart - our divorce was in 09 and I don't hear from her since then.


When it happened I was devastated, I did not believe I could love, trust or even smile from the heart again. But time passed ... and I understood something valuable that perhaps you should think about and, if you can, give me your opinion: I understood that human being are islands of solitude. I mean, we live in our internal world - we can interact with other people but we will never be one with them. People do not complete each other because soul touching is not a possibility - a Island is a peace of land surrounded by water from every side. For me, it was this perception that hurt deep.

So what could I do? I mean, giving up was not an option. She simply did not deserve me to suicide, be by lack of living of by taking my life away. There was a time of mourning, off course. Than I felt that it was time to give another shot, lessons learned. What changed was that I understood that relationships are about the belief that being with the other is good (at least in the general comput ... not that a women ranging her teeth due PMT can be a good company, but that she can be a great company in a overall account) and if it is not, there is no investment or belief that will keep a couple together. I believe you can think it to be comparable to a investment: if you are making money, you stay in. If you are not making money, but believe it will be profitable in the future, you stay in. But, if you don't believe in that investment anymore, you give out with no regrets. The same seems to apply to love ....

What do you guys think?

The second thing, I have to tell you, is that man are complicated creatures. Perhaps the guy broke up with not because of lack of love - betraying your trust - but because of insecurities about himself. In my opinion, perhaps you should stay open to whatever life can show you about it. If there was no betrayal, perhaps the better thing for you is to take the peaces of your broken heart and hold them tight together because good things can come ....
What do you think?


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## 1love_emily (Oct 6, 2014)

Alcohol, girlfriends, random dating, stuffed animals, becoming a cat lady, and then getting back out again. <3 Much love and luck to you, m'lady. Stay strong


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## archivaltype (Oct 10, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> These two quotes are a bit troubling. I know it sounds romantic to create a world around the person you love, that person being the center of your universe. However this can be very destructive. You are giving the other person the power to control your happiness. That is not good for you or for the other person. It also puts pressure on the other person to always make sure you are happy. This kind of pressure is not good. Anyone will crack under that pressure.
> 
> The person you are in a relationship with should be your best friend. You don't expect your best friend to see you as their everything and you don't see your friend as your everything. You are just very compatible and you feel connected, but you don't expect each other to be the end all be all for each other.
> 
> ...



Oh man, these words hit me in my feels. 
Thank you <3
Also, stay strong deary! You can message me if ya need too


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## superodalisque (Nov 21, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> i know this may sound a bit pathetic and attention-seeking to some of you out there, but i am merely looking for some answers.
> 
> In the last 10 yrs i have been in two long relationship one was 4 years and the other was three yrs and both men have feared marriage and commitment. I never spoken of marriage too often or too soon but both times they left me after years of effort and countless hours of love.
> 
> ...



you move on by moving on. seems like you spend a lot of time wanting to be someone else's everything. well you are or should be your own everything. you need to fall just as heavily in love with yourself as you would like someone to be with you. then if anything ever happens you will always be someone's everything.

don't worry about just two relationships not working out. you have to break some eggs to bake a cake and to learn who you are. don't stress. in the meantime have an intense love affair with yourself.

you also need to be sure you are actually in love instead of not wanting to be alone or sticking to someone just because they accept your body. (not saying that is what happened but I thought I would throw that out there)

being that interdependent sounds codependent. make sure to live your life and pursue your own goals and dreams.

when you do meet a guy tell him straight up you are looking for a commitment from a man from the get go. a guy who is commitment minded will not run. those who are not will. or, they will try and convince you that something is wrong with that. take the hint. viciously edit the kinds of men you deal with. respect a man enough to believe what he tells you about what he wants. never act as if he will change.


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## mermaid8 (Nov 22, 2014)

I wasn't with him just because he loved my body, but I was with him because he respected and accepted me. He understood the daily struggle to love myself and not be do hard on myself for not being perfect. 

I'm not a co-dependent person. It may seem that way but I just l just love the things a relationship adds to my life. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone I love who loves me back. I look at the supportive nurturing intertwined relationship my parents have had for 30 yrs and that it what I know I want. I was very clear to my ex bf about what I wanted and he wanted the same thing. 

To be honest, I don't really understand why he dumped me. He said he wanted to be single and unattached but he has a new gf as of October. So I wonder if he really stopped accepting me and that is why he ended it not because of the whole not wanting marriage. 

Now I'm over him, but I don't know if I can ever believe a man will be able to love and accept me forever.


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## superodalisque (Nov 22, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> I wasn't with him just because he loved my body, but I was with him because he respected and accepted me. He understood the daily struggle to love myself and not be do hard on myself for not being perfect.
> 
> I'm not a co-dependent person. It may seem that way but I just l just love the things a relationship adds to my life. I like the idea of sharing my life with someone I love who loves me back. I look at the supportive nurturing intertwined relationship my parents have had for 30 yrs and that it what I know I want. I was very clear to my ex bf about what I wanted and he wanted the same thing.
> 
> ...



do you really have to to be happy? we are all raised on forever but sometimes things just won't work out even if you both want them to. sometimes feelings change. but even so, one man is not every man. and even if things do change in directions you don't want them to with the next one don't worry so much that you can't enjoy the good times at all either.

maybe the only reason why was because even though he had affection for you you were not THE ONE. sometimes you are just not going to be THE ONE for someone, just like someone might not be THE ONE for you even if you care for them a great deal. everyone has to find their ONE and they deserve to. sometimes it's just is what it is and there is no reason to dissect it. you can't use a relationship to define what you are or even what he is. it isn't about that. you still have to be 100% you and be with someone who finds that whatever you are you are THE ONE for him. the reason someone leaves doesn't always have to be that something was wrong with you or the situation. but I know you need some kind of closure so I want to ask: 

question: in the middle of your "struggle" to love yourself and try not to worry about being perfect did you remember to like and really enjoy life? or was your struggle mainly paramount?

also you've said a lot about what you wanted and what you got from the relationship. what did he want from the relationship?

and when you were focusing on the future forever and making plans what were you doing about the now?


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## Saoirse (Nov 23, 2014)

The idea of finding "The One" is outdated and does more harm than good.


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## superodalisque (Nov 23, 2014)

Saoirse said:


> The idea of finding "The One" is outdated and does more harm than good.



so does that mean something always has to be terribly wrong with one or the other person for either to decide to walk away from a relationship because they somehow don't feel the way they want to feel in it ?


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## mermaid8 (Nov 24, 2014)

He wanted the same things I wanted from the relationship. We talked about that sort of thing often. It was the last six months that something changed and since he has trouble dealing with conflict, he didn't know how to bring it up. 

Though I may struggle with self-image I most certainly find plenty of time to enjoy life. I have a few close friends and many hobbies that bring me pleasure. As for focusing on the now, when I was with him we always talked about moving in together and making plans to do interesting things like cooking classes and sporting events. I may talk about the future but I was very conscious of the present too.


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## superodalisque (Nov 25, 2014)

mermaid8 said:


> He wanted the same things I wanted from the relationship. We talked about that sort of thing often. It was the last six months that something changed and since he has trouble dealing with conflict, he didn't know how to bring it up.
> 
> Though I may struggle with self-image I most certainly find plenty of time to enjoy life. I have a few close friends and many hobbies that bring me pleasure. As for focusing on the now, when I was with him we always talked about moving in together and making plans to do interesting things like cooking classes and sporting events. I may talk about the future but I was very conscious of the present too.



sounds like you did everything you were capable of doing in that circumstance and you should give yourself a break and try your best to stop wondering if you can.


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## mermaid8 (Nov 26, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> sounds like you did everything you were capable of doing in that circumstance and you should give yourself a break and try your best to stop wondering if you can.



I'm an over thinker so I don't know how good I will be at not wondering if I can ever find a man to love and accept me forever, but I will give it my best effort. Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.


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## Sunshine_Fette (Dec 11, 2014)

Hello, I'm new and therefore late to the commenting party, but have you been dating anyone recently? It is hard to open your heart again, but you never know what you are missing if you don't.


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## mermaid8 (Jan 29, 2015)

Sunshine_Fette said:


> Hello, I'm new and therefore late to the commenting party, but have you been dating anyone recently? It is hard to open your heart again, but you never know what you are missing if you don't.



I want to try dating again but I'm just not ready. I'm so scared that any new guy is going to stop accepting me or say that he is waiting for me to change ; two things my ex bf did to me. I just don't know if I can't handle that kind of rejection. I don't want to close myself off but I also don't want to accuse some innoncent guy of not accepting me or waiting for me to change when he might not feel those things. I mean that wouldn't be fair to him. I guess I'm just too broken yet, as much as I don't want that to be true I guess it is.


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## Orsetti (Jan 29, 2015)

So, 15 years ago my first great relationship broke up. When I asked her why, she never gave me an answer. She always avoided it, to give me any reason. That made it nearly impossible for me, to accept the end of my relationship, because it came so sudden and I never got a reason for this.

So then followed the worst time of my life. For over a year I could not forget her, I lost much weight and suffered every single second. I could not feel any joy anymore, I felt myself on a endless road of pain and loneliness.

After some months I started dating again. I had a lot of dates, I met many great women and at least it gave me another goal... to search for so long, that I would find the next big love. So I still suffered, but a part of me concentrated on finding a new love. It gave me a goal. It gave me a reason to go on.

I always knew, that I would find a new love. And that I would know, if that would happen. And that way it worked in the end. I finally met my wife. And then... only when that happened... the suffering stopped, the pain went away and was replaced be sheer joy of life and love. My wife an I are together for 14 years now. And still happy.

But there is one thing, that I learned in that time: if the suffering after a personal loss goes on for a while, it tends to become a kind of a bad habit. I experienced, that keeping this inner pain alive, is a way to stay connected with the lost love. But the only outcome is to keep yourself away from going on.

I was not really over my failed relationship, when I started dating again. I guess, I would still wait for the pain to end. But I always was lovely and kind to my dates. They gave me a little better time, so I returned this. It was no lost time. But the only way, to ever find my new love.

They say, one should not search for love, but let himself be found instead. So, by searching, by being active, by making myself visible and showing the world, that I`m searching and wishing a new love... I enabled my wife to contact and find me.

We wrote some mails for some days, phoned 7 hours and met 4 days later. And when we first met, we didn`t know each other. But after one hour and a coffee later... we left the coffeeshop as a happy couple.

Don`t wait for your pain to go away. It may change but not leave you. And you will not be ready by sitting there and refuel your suffering every day. You have to make a decision: that you want to change this part of your life now. Then open your mind and have no expectation of how the next partner should be. Tell the world, who you are and that you deserve a great love. And offer the same. 

In my experience this is the best way to find a new love. I wish you the best.

Hope, my English was good enough, to make my point clear.

Best regards from Germany,

Markus


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## mermaid8 (Jan 29, 2015)

Orsetti said:


> So, 15 years ago my first great relationship broke up. When I asked her why, she never gave me an answer. She always avoided it, to give me any reason. That made it nearly impossible for me, to accept the end of my relationship, because it came so sudden and I never got a reason for this.
> 
> So then followed the worst time of my life. For over a year I could not forget her, I lost much weight and suffered every single second. I could not feel any joy anymore, I felt myself on a endless road of pain and loneliness.
> 
> ...



I understand your point that the best way to get over a relationship is to find a new relationship. I've been able to do this in the past but this time I don't know why I'm just not able to put myself out there. I feel like every guy is going to judge me for living with my parents at age 32, being an emotional person, and being between careers. I think they will only accept these things for a while then eventually want me to change them. I just want someone to accept me unconditionally. I've worked very hard to accept myself and I'm not longer willing to change for anyone. Though d


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