# FFA heartbreak



## Fangs (Aug 8, 2009)

A week ago I felt what could only be shared on the Dims board.
I've been away for a while, found a great guy, and have been busy with life.

Those of you that recognize me know that I've been on the boards as an FFA for at least 7 years.

However, it's one thing to be accepting of the fat community and another to actually be a part of the discrimination as an overweight person.

Last Friday I was out at a restaurant wearing pretty new lipstick, dressed up with my hair down (which I hardly ever do), and having a great time thinking how gorgeous my BHM date is. We were having Italian with his family.

Everyone's having a great time until after the check is paid. It was a pretty large sum so our waiter got a great tip. Seeing as how most people are unemployed (including myself), I jokingly said to my date that I wanted to work there.
*
About 400 lbs of man replied to me that I might get hired if I lost some weight. *Right next to his entire family.

Needless to say, I was upset - but when we went back home and talked about it is when the situation really set in and hurt me.

He wasn't trying to make me feel bad; he just noticed about 4 to 5 thin blond girls working there and thought the owner would hire according to what society thinks is pretty.


Well, thanks a lot. I just got told by the man I love that only thin, white, blond women can get hired as waitresses. That no matter how much he loves me, I will never be as beautiful as others. In fact, I'm so hideously ugly just by the fact I'm a brunette latina with a few pounds on from having a baby 3 months ago - that I wouldn't even get hired.

I know that I'll drop the weight eventually, but I don't think I can ever forget what my boyfriend thinks of me. I didn't feel ugly when he forced me to feel hideous - I felt great. I'm tall - I think my weight distributed rather well. And who doesn't love double Ds? At that moment, I could have been a gorgeous plus-size model. I was ready to hit on him the moment we got back to his car (he ate quite a bit!) - instead I got my emotional and physical feelings rejected.

It doesn't help that only a little while back he was drunk, and it slipped that he thought he "deserved" a thin girl he could show off. I shrugged that one off. He deserves a second chance, even if he doesn't get his skinny girl. But to say mean things about my weight twice? It doesn't make sense that he even wants to be with me. I just want to set him up on a date with what he thinks is society's ideal and move on.

That's what I keep picturing whenever I want to have sex with him - him with the tall blond from Heroes. Or him with some faceless blond that he noticed at the restaurant. I didn't notice them. The only waiter I noticed was the one that served our table. Not only did he notice them, but he actually counted them.

Guys, take a tip from me. No girl likes to know you're even looking at others - especially while you're out on a date.

I'm not sure how you girls (and guys) do it. To have such experiences where you're told you can't even make money... make a place for yourself in society... just because of your weight or race.

It's also mind boggling to hear it come from a BHM who actually cares for me. He just can't get over the image of this blond, thin girl being the symbol of beauty out of his mind.

I have no doubts that if he were not white himself, he'd also self-loathe about not being blond.

Anyway, I needed a place to vent - and it just seemed like I could break down my walls and cry on the Dim's board shoulders for a bit.

If any of you BBWs or BHMs have experience similar moments, my heart goes out to you.

I'm stuck wanting to give him a third chance. It's such a silly thing to break up over. At the same time, my feelings have been so hurt that I can't bring myself to even *want* to sleep with him. What should I do? How do you fix feeling unattractive to your boyfriend due to blurted out comments?


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## mediaboy (Aug 8, 2009)

Fangs said:


> How do you fix feeling unattractive to your boyfriend due to blurted out comments?



That kids got baggage and a big mouth.

Start there, it will work itself out to a rational end.


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## StarWitness (Aug 8, 2009)

That really sucks.

I don't know the guy, but if his social skills are lacking, I can see how the waitress comment might have been meant innocently, and just came out really hurtful. _Maybe._

But him telling you that he _deserves_ a thin girl to show off? That's incredibly disrespectful. You don't _deserve_ to hear those kinds of comments.


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## Stevenz1inoc (Aug 8, 2009)

Fangs said:


> A week ago I felt what could only be shared on the Dims board.
> I've been away for a while, found a great guy, and have been busy with life.
> 
> Those of you that recognize me know that I've been on the boards as an FFA for at least 7 years.
> ...



WoW, sorry to hear your story. It's sad for sure. I've had something similar happen and can kind of relate to how you feel. All I can say is maybe try and have one more talk with him and see how it goes.


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## StarScream! (Aug 8, 2009)

Not that I should get involved but fuck it.

Ok...are you sure that when he said that about the waitresses he wasn't saying it in a sarcastic nature, pointing out how most society expects the barbie doll cookie cutter girl? He isn't the owner of the restaurant, and therefore not pointing out what his preference would be. 

And when you said that he deserved a thin girl that he could show off, that he wasn't trying to reassure himself that he deserved YOU, and he wasn't talking about some faceless girl? No matter how tough, and secure that some of us BHMs act, that little voice can creep up from time to time and make us feel that we aren't good enough for you beautiful girls.

Is it possible that you are feeling a little self conscious about your baby weight gain? It is certainly not uncommon but are not fat by any means, and I'm sure this guy is happy as fuck to be with you.

I'd let up on this guy and give him another chance...at least talk to him about how you feel because you may in fact being blowing things out of proportion.

PS - I hope everything else is going good for you. It's been a long time.


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## Fangs (Aug 8, 2009)

StarScream! said:


> Not that I should get involved but fuck it.
> 
> Ok...are you sure that when he said that about the waitresses he wasn't saying it in a sarcastic nature, pointing out how most society expects the barbie doll cookie cutter girl? He isn't the owner of the restaurant, and therefore not pointing out what his preference would be.
> 
> ...



Hey Starscream. I was really happy to read your reply. 

I sat down and spoke with him. It was a cruel joke, but he said he was sorry. We're moving to Miami. 

As far as the drunken "slip-up" - I know he's not an FA. Heck, I met his last girlfriend. She's incredibly nice. Petite little girl. She's unfortunately dating someone else now, too. 

"There are many fish in the sea, but FFAs are the fresh catch of the day in a Tokyo marketplace." That made me feel better. 

I wasn't really feeling bad about the baby weight. I'm not really even sure I *want* to lose the weight. I've always been one of those girls that is decent or just above average in the cleavage department. Now I finally get a big chest. Not ready to give that up. 

I'm sure it will hurt if he ever finds that skinny girl he's really proud of, but I feel a little more prepared to handle it after venting on the boards. 

How have you been? I lost my myspace password so write me a message here. <3


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## Fangs (Aug 8, 2009)

Stevenz1inoc said:


> WoW, sorry to hear your story. It's sad for sure. I've had something similar happen and can kind of relate to how you feel. All I can say is maybe try and have one more talk with him and see how it goes.



I had a talk with him. It's all just a mixture of how and where he's grown up. 
I did put down guidelines - no more racist jokes, no more pointing out other women. Now it's a wait and see. I hope that when we move to Miami the situation improves.


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## Fangs (Aug 8, 2009)

StarWitness said:


> That really sucks.
> 
> I don't know the guy, but if his social skills are lacking, I can see how the waitress comment might have been meant innocently, and just came out really hurtful. _Maybe._
> 
> But him telling you that he _deserves_ a thin girl to show off? That's incredibly disrespectful. You don't _deserve_ to hear those kinds of comments.



Indeed I don't. I'm hoping I never have to hear that again. I'm not even sure how girls that are beyond just a few pounds deal with it. 

I know if I have to put up with more drunken monologues on why I should lose weight, etc - that will be it for him. Breaks my heart that I have to prepare myself for the possibility of that blow though.


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## Fangs (Aug 8, 2009)

mediaboy said:


> That kids got baggage and a big mouth.
> 
> Start there, it will work itself out to a rational end.



Haha.

Well, tons of baggage. That's for sure. This is going to be a tough one. Not only do I have to convince him that he's attractive - I have to go convince him that *I'm* attractive. After all that, I have to convince myself that I really did convince him that I'm attractive :doh: At this point I'm laughing about the whole situation.


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## chicken legs (Aug 8, 2009)

Lets just say..i totally understand your situation..

***cyber hugs***

I hope things workout for the best


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## escapist (Aug 13, 2009)

Fangs I think you know what I think and how I feel. I wish you the best


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## Horseman (Aug 14, 2009)

Fangs said:


> Haha.
> Not only do I have to convince him that he's attractive - I have to go convince him that *I'm* attractive.



Don't bother.

If he needs convincing that he's attracted to you, then he isn't attracted to you and you need to be with someone who truly is.

And, if he isn't convinced that _he's_ attractive to _you_ solely by the fact that you _choose to be with him_ and not with someone else, then no amount of convincing will really help him. Not by you, anyway. Maybe by a therapist.

I really hate when I give relationship advice, because I haven't gotten it 100 percent right myself. But I also hate to see someone doubting herself because of what some thickheaded guy who is supposed to love her said, particularly in a moment of drunken honesty when his guard was down (and so were his wisdom and manners).

Go out and do better. I'm sure that you can!


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## rabbitislove (Aug 20, 2009)

Fangs,
Of course I remember you. Your a bad motherfucker. 

I hope he learned the error of his ways. It sounds like he didnt want to hurt you. I was in a relationship when I was 18 that was horribly abusive, where my boyfriend, a larger man, harranged me to stay thin, even not allowing me to work in the food industry in case Id gain weight.

Im still a petite girl, but working on being okay with myself is a daily struggle.

I hope all goes well for you, your boy and your baby. Congrats by the way. You should feel proud and sexy that your body brought a human life into this world. Bless <3


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## Buffetbelly (Aug 24, 2009)

I blame society.

Hold a "beer summit" and treat it as a teachable moment.


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## FemFAtail (Aug 25, 2009)

Buffetbelly said:


> I blame society.
> 
> Hold a "beer summit" and treat it as a teachable moment.



Ever been told that you have huggable humor? Your ornery-ness is shining thru my porkulent pal!

YWL


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## seasuperchub84 (Aug 26, 2009)

Wow how chauvanist. Thats when you say, well maybe we could have decent intercourse if you lost weight...throw it back at him LOL.

Sorry to hear about that. :-( I hope all goes well.


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## SparkGirl (Aug 26, 2009)

*This explains all of his behavior. I think that the whole restaurant thing was a matter of him thinking one thing and it coming out the wrong way. He probably looked around at the type of woman that they tend to hire there and that you didn't fit their "mold". I don't take that as a bad thing. Sounds like Salma Hayek wouldn't be their type at that restaurant either, but that doesn't diminish her beauty either.*

*As for the drunk comment, people can have a Jekyl/Hyde quality when they are drinking, and if he doesn't normally act that way when he's sober, I would dismiss that (unless he does it again). I'd say the best thing you could do is not let him know how much this stuff has bothered you (confidence is attractive, self-consciousness, unfortunately is very unattractive) and act like you are above all of it and too attractive to be bothered to care (which you are!!).* 



Fangs said:


> Haha.
> 
> Well, tons of baggage. That's for sure. This is going to be a tough one. Not only do I have to convince him that he's attractive - I have to go convince him that *I'm* attractive. After all that, I have to convince myself that I really did convince him that I'm attractive :doh: At this point I'm laughing about the whole situation.


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## Geodetic_Effect (Sep 3, 2009)

Horseman said:


> Don't bother.
> 
> If he needs convincing that he's attracted to you, then he isn't attracted to you and you need to be with someone who truly is.
> 
> And, if he isn't convinced that _he's_ attractive to _you_ solely by the fact that you _choose to be with him_ and not with someone else, then no amount of convincing will really help him. Not by you, anyway. Maybe by a therapist. ... Go out and do better. I'm sure that you can!



I agree. The chances of it being just a joke and a misunderstanding are really small. He's let it slip out more than once. It's probably on his mind a lot. It will probably end up being a big problem down the road. I could be wrong because I don't know him. But it's something you should definitely be concerned about. You just have to figure out if he's looking for a different type of girl and decide whether or not it's worth it to pursue something that might be doomed. In vino veritas.


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## tigerlily (Nov 8, 2009)

Fangs said:


> A week ago I felt what could only be shared on the Dims board.
> I've been away for a while, found a great guy, and have been busy with life.
> 
> Those of you that recognize me know that I've been on the boards as an FFA for at least 7 years.
> ...



It's been a while since you posted this, Fangs, but I was so horrified reading this that I feel like I must say something. 

Do you realize that what you experienced is verbal and mental abuse? And that just because he did it under the influence makes it no less excusable. I'm with horseman and Geodetic_Effect and I think what he's telling you a cover for what he may not even be able to sort out himself.


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## likeitmatters (Nov 14, 2009)

at least he was honest and straightforward I guess but given that he should have been a little more tackful but at least he was honest and you know how he is thinking and you can go forward.

best of luck.

:bow:


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## sunandshadow (Nov 14, 2009)

Wow, what ego. Nobody 'deserves' a mate they can 'show off', regardless of what their personal definition of beauty is. I mean, I'm a BBW whose personal preference is for skinny guys with long hair, but I would consider myself damn lucky to have a relationship with a guy who was actually my type, I don't view it as something I deserve.


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## Deanna (Nov 15, 2009)

You should give him a break about his comment in the restaurant. He merely said the waitresses there were thin and blond, he didn't say they were his type. Even so, men will always look at attractive women no matter how madly in love they are. It doesn't mean he wants to be with them. It's okay, it's nature. You have a right to oogle other men as well.

On the other hand, if he really feels he "deserves" better than you, than you need to seriously consider moving on. Sometimes liquor helps bring out the truth. Sometimes the truth sucks. That comment in my opinion is way more harmful than the waitress one.


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## shhtx1970 (Nov 23, 2009)

I am reading this and its divided, some defending him some defending her. But here are somethings that bothered me:

1 - went to restaurant with family and gf; why is he looking at other women when he has one at his side
2 - drunk? not an excuse beside alcohol lowers your inhibitions so whatever comes out of a person's mouth is what they are thinking and pretty much is what they are thinking about it
3 - from what I can gather he is young, insecure of himself and is thinks that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence but I can be wrong all accounts so this just a thought

Its sad of what happened to you, but I think he needs to re-examine himself and think of what he needs versus what he wants. We all want something but what really counts is what we need and have already.

Tips on good relationships
Any question(s) from your gf that requires your opinion on her should always be avoided or delayed in answering; requires you to think carefully what to respond and if you don't have an answer then say I dont know.


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