# How were you in "the closet?"



## Judge_Dre (Apr 9, 2009)

I was never really "in the closet" about being a fat admirer growing up. My family and friends knew I liked big women when they noticed I kept dating women of varying degrees of plumpness. So when you say you were "in the closet" what does that mean exactly? Did you date skinny girls? Did you avoid dating at all? Did you make fun of fat girls in front of your friends to fit in?


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## SoliloquyOfaSiren (Apr 9, 2009)

Yeah, I was in the closet for quite a while because I didn't feel normal bc all the girls around me would go for slim guys....and I dated them too once upon a time...trying to fool everybody maybe myself as well, I don't know. But like many of us...I had needs and I was exposed when my mom found the sites.

That was a fun discussion....She doesnt accept it at all. Only my close friends rly know this is what Im attracted to....like I formall came out to them. But I'm sure everyone else assumes because bigger guys are all I date now


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## mergirl (Apr 9, 2009)

I can honestly say i have never been 'in the closet' as an fa. Though, people knew before i did. I remember being 18/19 and a gf saying to me when i was on the train with all my work mates "ahh yeah, lisa (me) likes fat women". This was sort of weird because my gf at the time wasn't exactly fat though she was curvy. Everyone was like "oohh really.. so you must fancy so and so that works in the office" (so and so was a really mean woman who was about 25 years older than me and not hot). I thought about it and said 'oh no' stupidly this sort of confused me..like i HAD to fancy every fat person in the world.
Oh actually, when i say i wasnt 'in the closet' ...when i had wee encounters with fat people i didn't come out as an Fa, because i actually didnt know that was a 'thing'..but i would tell them i thought their bodies were really beautiful...i knew it was more than that but i really didnt have a context.
I was on a film course where i met one of my best freinds when i was about 22/23 and he and i were reading through bizarre magazine and there was a section on differrent 'fetishes' .. there was a wee bit on fat admiration and i said to him 'oh, thats me!!..i love fat chicks' ..he was like 'ahh i like skinny goth chicks'. So we both got some beers and went home to look up fat chicks and skinny goth chicks on tinternet.. and i came across Dimensions chat and chattered and met some friends, which i am still friends with today.. and that is that. 
I think, the 'comming out' part was only ever to myself, because i really had no frame of reference.. i wasnt sure if 'prefering fat people' was a valid sexuality.. so it was very vauge for a while.


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## SoliloquyOfaSiren (Apr 9, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I can honestly say i have never been 'in the closet' as an fa. Though, people knew before i did. I remember being 18/19 and a gf saying to me when i was on the train with all my work mates "ahh yeah, lisa (me) likes fat women". This was sort of weird because my gf at the time wasn't exactly fat though she was curvy. Everyone was like "oohh really.. so you must fancy so and so that works in the office" (so and so was a really mean woman who was about 25 years older than me and not hot). I thought about it and said 'oh no' stupidly this sort of confused me..like i HAD to fancy every fat person in the world.
> Oh actually, when i say i wasnt 'in the closet' ...when i had wee encounters with fat people i didn't come out as an Fa, because i actually didnt know that was a 'thing'..but i would tell them i thought their bodies were really beautiful...i knew it was more than that but i really didnt have a context.
> I was on a film course where i met one of my best freinds when i was about 22/23 and he and i were reading through bizarre magazine and there was a section on differrent 'fetishes' .. there was a wee bit on fat admiration and i said to him 'oh, thats me!!..i love fat chicks' ..he was like 'ahh i like skinny goth chicks'. So we both got some beers and went home to look up fat chicks and skinny goth chicks on tinternet.. and i came across Dimensions chat and chattered and met some friends, which i am still friends with today.. and that is that.
> I think, the 'comming out' part was only ever to myself, because i really had no frame of reference.. i wasnt sure if 'prefering fat people' was a valid sexuality.. so it was very vauge for a while.



i found this a very similar way lol....I was about eleven and trying to be funny with a friend in the Border's erotica section and there was this book of fetishes....it was called like the big book of sex or something and it had a page on fat admiration and then one on feederism or whatever. and I get what you mean with coming out to yourself...I knew, but like couldnt except it for the longest time because I was afraid people wouldnt be so accepting .

 I rly admire how you, despite not knowing it was a thing or whatever, that you were able to say oay this is what I like and thats that, not making it a huge deal....bc rly, one's sexuality isnt a huge deal....so just letting u know i think thats rly cool u were mature enough to realize that at 18 when confronted.

big rep


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## Tad (Apr 9, 2009)

If I was 'in the closet' it was really that I kept all my sexuality to myself. I just didn't really tell anyone what I liked. I was pretty much looking for 'the one' and wasn't looking to date just for dating's sake, and naturally I never actually met 'the one' so didn't really date at all during my teens. So I was in the closet in that probably nobody knew I preferred plumper women, but then again nobody knew much about what I liked at all (I even had one friend seriously ask me if I was gay, because they never heard me going ga-ga over cute girls).

I eventually decided that I should just try and date, and at least get some practice at that part so I wouldn't blow it when I did meet 'the one.' After some thought I decided I shouldn't be too picky about body size, this wasn't going to be serious, after all. So of course I ended up marrying the first woman I dated, who went from reasonably thin to small BBW over the first several years of our relationship. I never hid that I loved her body, but I never felt a need to go into details about what I liked, fat or other things. Somewhere along the lines I've mentioned my preferences to friends, but once you've been married for a few years nobody really cares anymore *L*

*shrug* So for me it was not so much an FA closet as extreme privacy about my sexuality. Just not something I wanted to talk about in any sense for a long time.


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## Durin (Apr 9, 2009)

Ed I can relate to you.

I was always very shy around women. I still am sort of because I never really do understand the fairer sex. I didn't date anyone in high school. I was the manager of the football team, face in a book nerd.

In college the same sort of thing. I dated this one girl who was a BBW but we were both so painfully shy it was not good.

I had a huge crush on this friend of my brother's who was a gorgeous BBW. For a while about once a month we would meet at the diner in our town and eat breakfast together. We always had wonderful rambling conversations. I think she knew that I was head over heels but nothing ever came of it. 

I would say this was when I was the most in the closet because I guess I didn't understand why she made me go crazy. Also I sort of felt like a freak on multiple levels. Thankfully she was older than me and because we were never boyfriend/girlfriend I don't think my being "closeted" hurt her.

She certainly helped me understand where my desires were.

A bunch of my friends cornered me one night at college and said why don't you ask this girl out. I really was not that interested in her at all, but I did ask her out and we dated and I sort of fell in love with her. She was a size 16 and while on the low side of what I liked it worked.

She and I broke up a few years after college and at that time I had found dimensions and felt I understood things a little better and I decided to only date girls I found attractive.

Three years later I met my wife.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 9, 2009)

For me it mostly stemmed from not wanting to be bothered with people in general. Every little thing elicited commentary all the time. "OMG, you like cheese on your hot dog???" "OMG, you like mustard on your ham sammitch????" etc. Every insipid little thing was a record scratch moment for the ignorant folks I was surrounded with. I just wanted to live my life in peace and not have to testify on behalf of myself every hour over silliness. This was often confounded by my fear that someone would run and tell my guy crush that I liked him and I'd be mortified. I was in the closet so to speak but it was for the same reason 99.9999999% of the people in the world don't boradcast themselves. 

I had no issues fawning all over fat celebrities I liked. I'd name someone and there would always be one in the crowd who would say they like him/her too or they know someone who does.


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## mergirl (Apr 9, 2009)

SoliloquyOfaSiren said:


> i found this a very similar way lol....I was about eleven and trying to be funny with a friend in the Border's erotica section and there was this book of fetishes....it was called like the big book of sex or something and it had a page on fat admiration and then one on feederism or whatever. and I get what you mean with coming out to yourself...I knew, but like couldnt except it for the longest time because I was afraid people wouldnt be so accepting .
> 
> I rly admire how you, despite not knowing it was a thing or whatever, that you were able to say oay this is what I like and thats that, not making it a huge deal....bc rly, one's sexuality isnt a huge deal....so just letting u know i think thats rly cool u were mature enough to realize that at 18 when confronted.
> 
> big rep


oh cheers!


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## The Orange Mage (Apr 9, 2009)

I've never been in the closet about it, really. I'm just shy and introspective so not many people get the chance to find out.


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## The Fat Man (Apr 9, 2009)

I was in the closet in a major way in junior high and high school. Even in college to a degree. Like any teenager (especially a fat teenager seeking social acceptance like it was some sort of drug) I wanted people to like me while at the same time blend in and be part of the group. Stand out without standing out, if that makes sense. I kept sites like this one such a complete and total secret, it's almost impressive the lengths I'd go to to cover my tracks and prop myself up as a guy who just _looooooved_ rail thin girls with fake boobies. Bleh. After college, moving back home, there was a period I just said to hell with it. I not only accepted my passion but embraced it myself, not really intentionally gaining, but just generally eating like a pig. But it's been my wife that's helped me "come out of the closet" in a positive, productive, accepting sort way. I have a penchant for larger women. No biggie, you know? It's been a long time coming, but I'm glad I can say that now. It's just a part of me.


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## exile in thighville (Apr 10, 2009)

I never really had the chance to be in the closet. All I'll say is it's a good thing I couldn't get a fat girl in high school.


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## altered states (Apr 10, 2009)

I think it was just about keeping my mouth shut when I was around fatphobia, or not stating my preference openly when, say, talking about "hot" girls with friends. I never let it influence who I dated, and the flak I caught in high school was minimal. Now I let certain people in on it, when appropriate, but don't wear a t-shirt. 

Complicating things is that my GF is a bit chunky but generally much smaller than the girls she catches me ogling. She's aware I'm an FA, though she doesn't know I'm into feeding or immobility or any of the other, uh, heavier stuff. Either way, I try to keep it on the DL around her without totally betraying who I am or how I feel. I don't like to rub it in her face that she doesn't measure up, so to speak. I don't want to put pressure on her to gain, nor do I want her to think I don't find her attractive, because I do. So it's a weird little dance I do on a day-to-day basis. 

You might say I'm ambivalent.


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## Blockierer (Apr 11, 2009)

I don't know what is FAness "in the closet". 
But in my opinion an FA who is not in the closet is characterized as follow:

holds hands with his fattie in public
kisses his fattie in public
goes swimming with his fattie
if asked he confirms his attraction to fat bodies
has the heart to post pics of himself (and his fattie) on fat related forums
his family and friends know he has fat partner
is willing to marry his fattie
is married to a fattie
never pretends to be into skinnies
never makes anti-fat comments



Judge_Dre said:


> I was never really "in the closet" about being a fat admirer growing up. My family and friends knew I liked big women when they noticed I kept dating women of varying degrees of plumpness. So when you say you were "in the closet" what does that mean exactly? Did you date skinny girls? Did you avoid dating at all? Did you make fun of fat girls in front of your friends to fit in?


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## rollhandler (Apr 18, 2009)

Judge_Dre said:


> I was never really "in the closet" about being a fat admirer growing up. My family and friends knew I liked big women when they noticed I kept dating women of varying degrees of plumpness. So when you say you were "in the closet" what does that mean exactly? Did you date skinny girls? Did you avoid dating at all? Did you make fun of fat girls in front of your friends to fit in?



Same here, never really in a closet, always open about my preferences although not fully realized at early ages.
I did date one skinny girl though but that just made me realize how set in my preference I was already. The topic of size never came up in that relationship though and it was short lived.
Rollhandler


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## rollhandler (Apr 18, 2009)

Blockierer said:


> I don't know what is FAness "in the closet".
> But in my opinion an FA who is not in the closet is characterized as follow:
> 
> holds hands with his fattie in public
> ...



AMEN!
I fully agree with the sentiment and find myself checking off this list for myself as I read it. If there was an all of the above I would check that box and in the box marked other I would also add: does what he can to make his fattie as comfortable in her world so as to feel more special to be a part of his. (using male pronouns only out of convenience, not trying to leave the female FAs out)
Rollhandler


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## Santaclear (Apr 18, 2009)

Never been "in the closet" here. Tho there were a lot of years when I dated _no one_ and when I was young I said and did my share of stoopid stuff (i.e. There were BBWs I _should've_ dated. But I was never into dating.)

This list of Blockierer's defines the "closeted/uncloseted" thing pretty well. 



Blockierer said:


> I don't know what is FAness "in the closet".
> But in my opinion an FA who is not in the closet is characterized as follow:
> 
> holds hands with his fattie in public
> ...



All I can say to any of you who feel closeted in some way, stop it! You will not be happy unless you're true to yourself. And fat people so deserve and need our support and love. :wubu::wubu:


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## MisterGuy (Apr 18, 2009)

tres huevos said:


> Complicating things is that my GF is a bit chunky but generally much smaller than the girls she catches me ogling. She's aware I'm an FA, though she doesn't know I'm into feeding or immobility or any of the other, uh, heavier stuff. Either way, I try to keep it on the DL around her without totally betraying who I am or how I feel. I don't like to rub it in her face that she doesn't measure up, so to speak. I don't want to put pressure on her to gain, nor do I want her to think I don't find her attractive, because I do. So it's a weird little dance I do on a day-to-day basis.
> 
> You might say I'm ambivalent.



Yes. My gf is ~ 250. She knows that I'd like it if she were heavier, but I don't think she knows how much heavier. I don't think she wants to know, frankly. She already thinks she's the fattest person in the world, and I think her head would detach from her neck and fly around like a farting balloon if she knew I was online ogling 400+ lb. ladies and looking at feeder/feedee stuff. 

I guess in this sense, I'm still in the closet, although not by Blockierer's definition. I honestly don't think she would want to know, and I'm not saying that as a cop-out. I think it would make her feel inadequate and like I won't ever be satisfied, which is unfortunately true, to some extent.


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## MatthewB (Apr 18, 2009)

I think I'm still in some sort of "closet", as it were; I've never expressed my preferences with anyone (save one of my closest friends) and I've never really been in a relationship (either sexual or emotional) with a woman before. :blush:

I do, however, hope I can overcome this in college.


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## Jay West Coast (Apr 21, 2009)

MatthewB said:


> I think I'm still in some sort of "closet", as it were.... :blush:
> 
> I do, however, hope I can overcome this in college.



LOL...you sound a bit like this guy:

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16204




I honestly only came out of the closet because I needed the fresh air. I hate the taste of mothballs, and I'd realised the game of hide-and-seek was long over.


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## roddles (Apr 21, 2009)

I dont believe I am in the closet, but I dont go round tellin every one either. Partly because they wouldnt care. But people ask me so is your new girlfriend a porker too? And I just say well Thats not what id call her. And they couldnt care less then so i dont need to tell people I like fat women its pretty obvious and id rather let them work it out.


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## roddles (Apr 21, 2009)

Judge_Dre said:


> I was never really "in the closet" about being a fat admirer growing up. My family and friends knew I liked big women when they noticed I kept dating women of varying degrees of plumpness. So when you say you were "in the closet" what does that mean exactly? Did you date skinny girls? Did you avoid dating at all? Did you make fun of fat girls in front of your friends to fit in?



Well I guess when I was younger I would make fun of fat girls to fit in. I wouldn't however say it was a matter of being in the closet because I didn't no there was such thing as an FA as someone else already said. And when your younger being independent is not easy until you hit a more mature age.

I am however under the impression that people who constantly bag out fat people are secretly FAs or are at least very intrigued by it


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## kioewen (Apr 21, 2009)

roddles said:


> Well I guess when I was younger I would make fun of fat girls to fit in. [...]
> 
> I am however under the impression that people who constantly bag out fat people are secretly FAs or are at least very intrigued by it


I find this astonishing. Is this at all common? How dismal if it is.

For my part, I always had an impulse to vocally defend full-figured girls I liked if they were being made fun of. This was true whether it was in their presence, or if they were not around. (Most of the time the making fun happened behind their backs.)

It wasn't a desire to be some kind of white knight, as I soon learned that it wasn't much appreciated, and sometimes ended up doing more harm than good. But the impulse was always to defend.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that anyone could actually make fun of what they secretly like. I know I've heard of this before, but I always thought it was a myth. It's hard to comprehend.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 21, 2009)

kioewen said:


> I find this astonishing. Is this at all common? How dismal if it is.
> 
> For my part, I always had an impulse to vocally defend full-figured girls I liked if they were being made fun of. This was true whether it was in their presence, or if they were not around. (Most of the time the making fun happened behind their backs.)
> 
> ...



It is actually quite common, at least in my experience. Some of the worst young homophobes I encountered are now living out of the closet. As far as FAs go I had a terribly bully who harassed me daily on the school bus. I wanted my brothers to come up to the bus and gang beat him to a pulp but they wouldn't take the bait. Instead they assured me that the guy probably had the hotsies for me. They affirmed that no guy puts that much effort and focus on a person on a daily basis without something going on. I didn't believe it but their prophetic words turned out to be true, he is an FA. Everybody doesn't respond like that of course but it's common enough to have become a cliche now even beyond size issues. A guy teasing one girl in particular on a regular basis will be accused of liking her by an astute observationist eventually.


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## Scorsese86 (Apr 22, 2009)

I have never been in any closet. No, not really. I remember, when I discovered girls, the only one that got me turned on, where the bigger one. I thought that was a bit weird to begin with, but, so what? So when I was around 16 or so, whenever someone asked me what kind of girls I liked the answer was "chubby and cute". Btw, everyone who knows me knows I like bigger girls. It just like one guy I know, everyone knows he prefers redheads. Or another one, he prefers tall girls. Everyone has their own preference.


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## ZosofanCMR (Apr 22, 2009)

Oh boy was I in the closet, my FA-ness was like my biggest secret, I felt almost shameful about it. Mostly due to my brother who is very anti-big girl. Anyway, now that I'm older, it doesn't affect me as it once did, the need to fit in and conform has faded and so had my shame about my preferences....so yeah, there ya go


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## swamptoad (May 5, 2009)

I was never really in "the closet" as far as the dating scene goes. Always been with plump, heavier set women. Though I have had a really cool friend that I had a crush on .. and she was not heavy set at all. We spent a lot of time together. And I had some physical attraction to her. Alas, we stayed just friends and just hung out a lot in my teenage years.


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## bmann0413 (May 10, 2009)

I didn't even know I was in the closet until I came into the FA community. It was then I realized that I was in it and I needed to get out. Well, let me rephrase that. I was out of it already. I just needed a push to join the rest of the folks. Jonny B helped me with that. lol


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## Broseph (Aug 14, 2019)

I was certainly in the closet as a teenager and into my twenties. There were moments where my FAness shined through, though. A few years before I came out, I came out to a friend. He was complaining to me that his girlfriend had gained weight, that this bothered him deeply. After his little ran he paused, expecting me to agree or validate I think. I told him, "Well, I'm into bigger girls, so I wouldn't tell her to lose weight. But I get it if that bothers you. Everybody has their thing." That took the wind out of his sails, as they say. He hasn't complained to me about his girl's weight since then. Maybe he knows he doesn't have a sympathetic audience--indeed, I've complained to him about how much I'd love it if my girlfriend gained, say, 150 lbs. 

I guess I'm out of the closet now. Joining DIMS and posting here has been a part of that coming out. But I'm not going around telling everyone about it. If and when it comes up, I don't back down. A part of me is really excited to share this with others. My girlfriend (unfortunately not BBW) knows about it and was a bit shocked. She thinks its cool though. But I suspect she thinks it's like coffee or books or something--just a thing I like. It's hard to communicate that it really has shared me in profound ways.


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## alk27alk27 (Sep 28, 2019)

(Sorry, didn’t mean to ramble and soap box)

Unfortunately I am still in the closet when it comes to my FA. It’s not that I’m afraid of being judged by my family and friends but rather my family has always been rather health conscious. We’re not gym rats that only eat kale, but rather my family on both sides have had a history of mental health problems that specifically arise’d form diet and environmental factors. 

I think they would fully accept me after the initial shock but they would always consciously or unconsciously suggest or poke me to be healthier and lose weight. This is part of the reason I’ve never actually “brought home” a chubby girl I liked. To my family all I have ever shown attraction to have been skinny or fit women (which I find incredibly sexy in their own right, but my heart I think belongs to the chubby side.)

Honestly if I’m going to remove this bandaid (and lets face it, it is.) I would rather pull it off slowly to ease them into the idea. If I came home tomorrow with a 250 ib beauty they would be in shock.

Does anyone have any advice? And I’m sorry for my soap boxing rant.


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## Colonial Warrior (Sep 28, 2019)

Blockierer said:


> I don't know what is FAness "in the closet".
> But in my opinion an FA who is not in the closet is characterized as follow:
> 
> holds hands with his fattie in public
> ...


1,000,000℅ Agree with you!


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## Broseph (Oct 6, 2019)

alk27alk27 said:


> (Sorry, didn’t mean to ramble and soap box)
> 
> Unfortunately I am still in the closet when it comes to my FA. It’s not that I’m afraid of being judged by my family and friends but rather my family has always been rather health conscious. We’re not gym rats that only eat kale, but rather my family on both sides have had a history of mental health problems that specifically arise’d form diet and environmental factors.
> 
> ...



I can really relate to your experience. My old man is an ex-Marine, marathon runner, etc. And my mom has always been into this or that diet. They are both great people, but they’re both fat phobic as hell. I hid what I like from them for a long time—or thought I did. Even though I was in the closet (never dated fat girls in hs or anything out of fear of being judged) I think they knew. I’ve since told my mom and would tell my dad if I thought it were appropriate. My current partner is chubby and they don’t even seem to notice. So your family might already know what you’re into.

Although there are many differences between being an FA and being gay, let’s face it—there are a lot of similarities in terms of coming out about this. I’ve read a few coming out resources and found them useful and encouraging. 

The last thing I’ll add is this—and it may be particular to my case: when I began to see that my folks are phobic because of their own histories with weight, or fear of gaining, I began to take their reactions less seriously. They don’t leave me unaffected, but they aren’t the end all be all either. I’ve hidden for long enough now. My psychological well-being depends on me being me.


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## Broseph (Oct 6, 2019)

@alk27alk27

Here is one coming out resource I looked at. 

https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/resource_guide_april_2014.pdf


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## DWilliams1 (Oct 6, 2019)

I can't say I was ever "in the closet" as far as my love for bigger, or even truly fat women goes. Over the years, I always dated women of different shapes and sizes.

For me...it's all about finding someone genuine, who has a good heart, and who will love me for who I am...as much as I would love and cherish everything about her. 

Of course, if she's bigger...that's always been a BIG plus in my book! 

I have, however, had insecurities about being big myself (and about secretly loving and being happy with my own size). I was always on the chubby side even as a kid...and was beaten down for it, very rudely, by even closest members of my family. 

Took me years to get to this point, where I am comfortable in my own skin...and won't lose that again for anything.


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## TwoSwords (Oct 7, 2019)

Judge_Dre said:


> I was never really "in the closet" about being a fat admirer growing up. My family and friends knew I liked big women when they noticed I kept dating women of varying degrees of plumpness. So when you say you were "in the closet" what does that mean exactly? Did you date skinny girls? Did you avoid dating at all? Did you make fun of fat girls in front of your friends to fit in?



For me, being "in the closet" meant being too shy and sheepish to approach or sit next to girls I liked. This was back in High School for me, and I wasn't sure whether it was appropriate to sit next to a girl who reached from her chair to the adjacent chairs. Also, I had a lot of very judgmental, almost-hostile social experiences to overcome, and couldn't really say how I felt until I was ready to defend it, and defend it firmly. I've never been strongly supported by the people in my life; even when I said normal things, or pursued goals they wanted me to pursue, so I had to be strongly secure in my individuality before I could justify expressing it to others. However, making the effort was worthwhile; at least for my own sake.


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## LifelongFA (Oct 7, 2019)

For me, in high school back in the 80s, I was still trying to figure out what I liked. What I mean by this is that even though I knew I was attracted to "fuller figured girls", I didn't know a lot of truly fat girls (ie: anything close to a SSBBW) growing up. Despite living in a major city and attending a large high school, there just weren't that many, at that time. What I did know, was that I was very attracted to family friends I knew who were SSBBWs despite that these were all adults. As I went to college, I continued my journey and began to meet and date more BBW - not just curvy girls, but real BBW (still not a lot of SSBBW - not sure where they were hiding back then!) However, within a couple years, through Dimensions Magazine and the social clubs/events of that time (still pre-internet), I was able to go full on FA and have never looked back!


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## extra_m13 (Oct 7, 2019)

in the closet is a very strong term. in my case i think the first lady who made comments about my girlfriends was my mom. and she was always pointing out that they were a bit on the chubby side but pretty. with time and seeing different girls but similar shapes and sizes she was able to deduct that i just prefer chubby ladies with curves, big hips and such, and since that day there is no need to tell otherwise, fact speak louder than words


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## JDavis (Oct 8, 2019)

I think I was in the closet to myself that I liked bigger men for a long long time. I would date a skinny guy then a stocky guy, back and forth, and always be more attracted to the bigger men on the physical level. I think I was more focused on faces and personality to see a trend until I got separated late in life. At that point I did some deep analysis so I could make sure my relationship lasted this time. Also, according to OK cupid, large men are preferred by women on the balance, so there really is no societal closet to come out of like with being attracted to fat women. I think it is because men prefer women smaller than themselves generally and because muscles are seen as masculine, and most fat women have large muscles (and a proportional amount of fat which is mostly what you see).


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## Shotha (Oct 9, 2019)

Judge_Dre said:


> I was never really "in the closet" about being a fat admirer growing up. My family and friends knew I liked big women when they noticed I kept dating women of varying degrees of plumpness. So when you say you were "in the closet" what does that mean exactly? Did you date skinny girls? Did you avoid dating at all? Did you make fun of fat girls in front of your friends to fit in?



I'm surprised that I haven't said anything about this already. Perhaps I have done.

The phrase "in the closet" was first used on the gay scene to describe individuals, who were afraid to be open about being gay. In former times, you risked a lot by openly being gay. You risked being dragged through the judicial system, being jailed, being listed as a sex offender, being rejected by family and society. Being gay was stigmatized, so that people felt ashamed of it. You risked losing your job. You risked never being able to find a decent job. Being gay, when I was young was very much underground. It is no wonder that some people only felt safe "in the closet". Many people think that "coming out (of the closet)" means announcing to the rest of the world that you're gay and that's it; you've "come out". What many people still don't realize is that coming out is a process that goes on all through your life. The most important thing about being out of the closet isn't shouting your sexual orientation from the roof tops but being comfortable with yourself as you are.

In recent years, other groups of people have started to use the phrase "in the closet" or "closeted" to describe their own situations. I have heard atheists calling on other atheists to come "out of the closet". And we hear FA's talking about being "in the closet". These are all groups of people, who cannot necessarily be identified by appearance. We don't necessarily realize that we have these inclinations early on in life. So, it can be difficult to know if a person doesn't realize that he/she is an FA or if they are hiding it. For me, it's not a case of realizing that I was a gay FA and wanting to tell other people about it but rather of realizing that there is nothing wrong with being gay or FA and not being afraid of what might happen if someone finds out. Some of us realize what we want in life earlier than others do.

By the time I was four, I realized that I liked fat people and I made my mind up to be one of them. I didn't realize that I was gay until puberty struck. (We were given no sex education in the UK in my youth.) I didn't have much opportunity to date until I went to university and of course there was no point talking about what didn't happen.

Did I date skinny guys? I dated one skinny guy. I thought that the thing about liking guys and the thing about liking fat were nothing to do with each other. I quickly found that the skinny guy didn't have what I was looking for. So, I started dating fat guys and only fat guys. People talked about it, especially on the gay scene. I found that I really couldn't have cared less about the gossip. Quite a few female friends sided with me over this.

I never really saw any need to make fun of other gay men or of fat guys (or girls). I saw a lot this sort of behaviour from other people, whom I thought should have known better.

For me the strange issue is being a gainer. My attempts at getting fat didn't work for a long time. When I finally started to put on weight, I didn't actually need to go around telling people, "Hey, I'm getting fat." They could see that for themselves. However, when I find myself in a little group, where we have to introduce ourselves to each other before getting down to business, I've started introducing myself as, "Hi, my name's Frank and I'm fat..." It sends out the message that I'm not ashamed of being fat. It's only recently that I've told friends that I got fat on purpose and that's probably because it's only been relevant recently. If someone asked me if I was a gainer, I wouldn't hide it. And that brings me back to what "coming out of the closet" is all about for me. It's about your attitude towards yourself. It's about being comfortable and happy and content with yourself. It's not about shouting that you're gay or FA from the rooftops. It's about not being scared of being found out, because it just doesn't matter.

Of course, the other big aspect of "coming out of the closet", which needs to be left to another thread, is what standing up to be counted does. It means that we don't have to be alone. It means that we can be seen to be ordinary, decent people, who deserve the same rights as everyone else.


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## Blockierer (Oct 13, 2019)

Shotha said:


> And that brings me back to what "coming out of the closet" is all about for me. It's about your attitude towards yourself. It's about being comfortable and happy and content with yourself. It's not about shouting that you're gay or FA from the rooftops. It's about not being scared of being found out, because it just doesn't matter.


How to deal with the the following?
Question: How did you meet your wife?
Answer: We met at a dating site for fat people.
Question: But you are neither chubby nor fat.
Answer: Sure, but I'm not so into slim girls with tiny boobies. I prefer women with female curves.

At this point the questioning normally ends.


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## landshark (Oct 13, 2019)

JDavis said:


> I think I was in the closet to myself that I liked bigger men for a long long time. I would date a skinny guy then a stocky guy, back and forth, and always be more attracted to the bigger men on the physical level. I think I was more focused on faces and personality to see a trend until I got separated late in life. At that point I did some deep analysis so I could make sure my relationship lasted this time. Also, according to OK cupid, large men are preferred by women on the balance, so *there really is no societal closet to come out of like with being attracted to fat women.* I think it is because men prefer women smaller than themselves generally and because muscles are seen as masculine, and most fat women have large muscles (and a proportional amount of fat which is mostly what you see).



I am always very careful assert an opinion on something I’ve never experienced directly but I tend to agree with the bolded. When it comes to how society values a person, big women are quite literally the lowest of the low. Men who date/marry them are next in line for society’s general contempt. Bigger guys, it’s a mixed bag. There are so many avenues a big guy to be successful, but plus size women are more universally disliked and mistrusted. A simple google search for BBW pulls up links to porn sites, as if their only use is as fetish fodder for weirdos who like to get off or a fatty once in a while.

As such I think there is generally less surprise when people see a universally hot woman with a BHM than a reasonably good looking and fit man with a fat wife or girlfriend.

This is not to say big guys have it easy. I know there a several here who’d argue that point and it’s not even the point I’m making anyway. I’m just saying big guys are not as universally despised as big girls. It is socially acceptable to be openly rude to fat girls, while that dynamic does not exist toward big guys. For example, When was the last time you saw a girl driving a pickup with a “no fat guys” sticker on the window?

This may explain why there isn’t as much a closet for women who like big guys as there is for guys who like fat girls.


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## FleurBleu (Oct 14, 2019)

Broseph said:


> I was certainly in the closet as a teenager and into my twenties. There were moments where my FAness shined through, though. A few years before I came out, I came out to a friend. He was complaining to me that his girlfriend had gained weight, that this bothered him deeply. After his little ran he paused, expecting me to agree or validate I think. I told him, "Well, I'm into bigger girls, so I wouldn't tell her to lose weight. But I get it if that bothers you. Everybody has their thing." That took the wind out of his sails, as they say. He hasn't complained to me about his girl's weight since then. Maybe he knows he doesn't have a sympathetic audience--indeed, I've complained to him about how much I'd love it if my girlfriend gained, say, 150 lbs.
> 
> I guess I'm out of the closet now. Joining DIMS and posting here has been a part of that coming out. But I'm not going around telling everyone about it. If and when it comes up, I don't back down. A part of me is really excited to share this with others. My girlfriend (unfortunately not BBW) knows about it and was a bit shocked. She thinks its cool though. But I suspect she thinks it's like coffee or books or something--just a thing I like. It's hard to communicate that it really has shared me in profound ways.



Have there been conflicts between you and your skinny girlfriend because of your preference? Can you get excited about sex with her? My skinny husband and I still haven't found a solution since I came out to myself and him as an FFA.


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## Broseph (Oct 14, 2019)

FleurBleu said:


> Have there been conflicts between you and your skinny girlfriend because of your preference? Can you get excited about sex with her? My skinny husband and I still haven't found a solution since I came out to myself and him as an FFA.



Yes there are conflicts. In me—should I ask her to gain? Am I being selfish or unreasonable? And in the relationship. I think the first step has been coming out to my partner. I’ve done this. And I’ve asked her—tactfully, of course—if she could imagine gaining weight. I sort of knew she’d say no, but needed to ask anyway. This was about 3 months ago. She has put on weight since then—not intentionally. But I think she’s just being less strict about what she eats.

She has never exactly been skinny—5‘6“ and maybe 170-180 now. But not at all big by my standards. Funny thing is now she sort of wants to drop the 10 or so pounds she’s gained. We’ll see as she’s not that motivated.

I’ve noticed that as she gained this little bit of weight my attraction and sexual energy have gone through the roof. But yes—before I came out and when she was a little skinnier I could not really get excited about sex with her. As I’m sure you love your husband—I love her, so it’s not as simple as saying see you and finding a fat partner.

It can be really frustrating sometimes as I tend to be remorseful that I didn’t come out sooner—it had to be after being in a relationship with someone great for a few years. I literally fear that if she loses weight I’ll lose interest. Sounds cold but I think this is one of the challenges of being an FA/FFA—getting this need met involves guilt and self-doubt and another person to play along (at least, this is my experience). And it’s not as simple as asking a partner to get a haircut.

Great that you’ve come out. Just curious: When did you come out to him? I take it he is not ready to jump on board and gain? In any event, you’re not the only one struggling to get needs met. I imagine there are many others on this forum who’ve experienced this before. Could be a good thread topic. Way longer response than your questions warranted.


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## LifelongFA (Oct 14, 2019)

I have a few thoughts on this:

1. Not all fat admirers are into gaining. While often paired, they are not always linked.
2. I think it is not a good idea to get into a relationship with someone who is "not enough" for you in any area (not just appearances). It's always best to focus on someone you think is wonderful just the way they area. If you are thinking the grass is greener somewhere else or if this person needs to be changed to fit your desires, you are 100 percent headed for disaster.
3. If you are wondering what the future holds, you can get a pretty good idea based on your partner's eating habits today. If they are very indulgent, you can bet that over time, they are very likely to gain weight, especially as they get into their 30s and 40s. If they are always counting calories, and seem to be able to control urges, you can bet they will probably do whatever it takes to keep from gaining significant weight over time.
4. I know a lot of people get excited about controlling someone else, but as someone who has been around the "scene" for nearly 30 years, those type of relationships usually implode at some point.
5. Foodees, in my view, are great potential gainers in that while they might not be intentional, they love food so much that the pleasure they experience from food is more important to them than what size they are or will become. Combined with a loving FA/FFA partner, you will likely see a SSBBW or BHM emerge over time.


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## TheStaunton (Dec 28, 2019)

Blockierer said:


> I don't know what is FAness "in the closet".
> But in my opinion an FA who is not in the closet is characterized as follow:
> 
> holds hands with his fattie in public
> ...



What a great checklist

That's incredibly on point...

Also, for whom it isn't a "fetish" as such, but they fall in love with the person too


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## Colonial Warrior (Dec 28, 2019)

TheStaunton said:


> What a great checklist
> 
> That's incredibly on point...
> 
> Also, for whom it isn't a "fetish" as such, but they fall in love with the person too



I agree a 1,000,000% with you. Welcome to the club @TheStaunton !


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## Shotha (Dec 28, 2019)

TheStaunton said:


> What a great checklist
> 
> That's incredibly on point...
> 
> Also, for whom it isn't a "fetish" as such, but they fall in love with the person too



And:-

_*describes fat people in positive terms
*pulls people up for discriminating against fat people_


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## TheStaunton (Dec 28, 2019)

Shotha said:


> And:-
> 
> _*describes fat people in positive terms
> *pulls people up for discriminating against fat people_



Definitely the last one for sure....

That's a big test


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## luckyfa (Jun 25, 2021)

LifelongFA said:


> Foodees, in my view, are great potential gainers in that while they might not be intentional, they love food so much that the pleasure they experience from food is more important to them than what size they are or will become. Combined with a loving FA/FFA partner, you will likely see a SSBBW or BHM emerge over time.



This is so true!


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