# Dims and your Significant Other



## LovelyLiz (Mar 17, 2011)

For women who met your significant other outside of Dims (either in your current relationship or a previous one), or outside of a specifically fat-centric community, how do you feel about telling them about Dims, or giving them the link so they can browse around for themselves? Did you do it? Would you? Why or why not? Were their reactions what you expected? (Feel free to answer this hypothetically if it doesn't apply for whatever reason. )

This came up because even before we started dating, I had told my boyfriend about how there are some people I hang out with that I met through an internet forum where people talked about being fat, their various experiences going along with that, etc. (aka, Dimensions). I told him that since all of my friends were thin, I really needed to find some other women I could talk to about certain things related to being fat in the world, and things that my thin friends were very willing to listen to but couldn't fully understand - and that this internet forum was really helpful for developing some friendships and dialogue with other fat women. He said that was a beautiful thing.

He is not an FA exclusively, though he is certainly attracted to me and my body; but he has been extremely kind and caringly inquisitive about ways being fat shapes my daily life, my outlook, growing up, and experiences - just in terms of getting to know me and how I experience the world. 

When I asked him if I could post a picture of us on the forum I post on (ie, here), he said that would be great, and asked if I would share the link with him. That's a totally normal request that I should have expected, but it really took me aback, and I had to think hard about whether I wanted him to see all aspects of the community here and/or be involved in some way (my instinctive gut reaction was: HELL NO). Eventually I decided I wasn't ready for him to be introduced to the various elements that comprise Dimensions, and we had a talk about my reasons for that, and he totally understood and was fine with it.

But it made me wonder how some of the rest of you feel about this issue...

ETA: There were a lot of things in the community here that I *would* want him to see, it's not like I think it's all bad, at all. It could be really educational (especially for a very skinny person). But there was a lot I just didn't feel ready for him to be exposed to at the same time.


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## Ruffie (Mar 17, 2011)

My hubby sometimes sits with me when I am perusing the boards, or am in chat. Never had any real issues surrounding it as we would talk about posts and personalities.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 17, 2011)

Ruffie said:


> My hubby sometimes sits with me when I am perusing the boards, or am in chat. Never had any real issues surrounding it as we would talk about posts and personalities.



That totally makes sense to me for someone you've been with for a long time. Do you think you would you have introduced him to Dimensions right when you'd started dating? (or did you?)


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## Ruffie (Mar 17, 2011)

We have been together 26 years and at that time I hadn't found anything that was like Dimensions. However back in the days when Dani had the chat I had no issues with him checking out what was being said and such. In fact we have a pretty trusting relationship. He is a homebody and shy and doesn't like to go out and socialize other than in small groups with friends. I on the other hand like to go out and listen to music (friends bands) and my other friend is a comedienne so I go out to her shows. I would go out to the bars without him with my friends and because I live in a small town city would let him know if I danced with someone and who sat with us and such. I have a lot of guy friends and he is cool with that. He knows I always come home to him and he has been my one and only man. However he trusts me enough to let me be me and I am not jealous of the female friends he has either. We have had our problems and issues and worked on them over the years to rebuild things that were broken down, it hasn't been perfect. However I feel I have to give him and expect that he will give me the opportunity to be ourselves and enjoy our separate as well as our shared interests and the mutual respect is working thus far.


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## thatgirl08 (Mar 17, 2011)

I feel an obligation to discuss this community with anyone that I'm involved with in any serious capacity just because of how involved I've been in the past and how big of an impact it's had on my life. There is also the fetish component for me. I feel like I could never get serious with anyone, even a non-FA, without explaining the fetish to them. They wouldn't necessarily have to partake with me but I can't imagine omitting that much of my life and sexuality. In some weird way I'd feel like I was lying. 

I've always been involved to some extent in this community online. Not necessarily on Dims, but on other related sites. I first found Fantasy Feeder when I was 13 and I participated in that community for a few years, and then made my way over to Dims in 2008. Before I started posting on Dims, I had kiddie "relationships" but never even considered telling anyone about the fetish thing.. at 16 I couldn't imagine anything more horrible than someone finding out about it. But, as I became involved in the other aspects of the community things changed.. I feel like I really gained a new perspective because of this site. I no longer hate myself for being fat. For awhile that meant I didn't have to worry about what I was eating or how much I was exercising.. but as I've grown up a little and faced reality a little more I've reinterpreted that as not placing all my worth on how I look and really taking charge of my life and my health.. regardless of outside opinions. Dims was a life changer.. how could I be with someone and not tell them about it? 

I also became a lot more involved in the fetish aspect of it. I met and dated FAs and feeders from this site (and others.) I got the chance to actually act out my fantasies and participate in the lifestyle. Because that had become such a real part of my life (as opposed to how it was previously just fantasies I indulged in every once in awhile) I feel the same way.. like I owe it to the person I'm dating to tell them about it.

Since becoming more involved here at Dims, I've only dated/been involved with FAs so this has never been an issue. However, earlier this year I met a guy from Craigslist and things became somewhat serious between us. So, I told him.. I didn't get into a lot of details or anything. I planned to, but we ended up breaking up before we had a full conversation about it. The thing that finally pushed me to tell him is that I thought he might have a little bit of feeder in him, but that turned out to be false. However, he was really good about it. He was really understanding. I think it helped that I had catered to his fantasies and had tried a lot of new things with him. 

In the future, I would definitely do the same thing. I would just feel weird never bringing it up. I feel pretty confident in that if I'm with someone Dims would not be a deal breaker. It might raise some questions, make things a little awkward, etc. but I don't think it's a big deal in the long run. Just how I see it. :]

I wish you luck with your bf :]


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks Ruffie and Rachel so much for sharing. It's really great to hear other perspectives.

I guess for me, I felt like my bf didn't think dating a fat girl was such a weird thing - it just seemed normal to him, and just like dating any other girl in most ways. And so I think part of me was worried that if he came here, he would all of a sudden think it was some weird thing, or something to be ashamed of, or had to include all these extra practices and implications that would have seemed strange or off-putting. It's like something that to him seemed normal would have suddenly felt like a more fetish-y thing.

I do share with him what I get out of this community, and am very open about most things that strike me, etc.


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## Jes (Mar 17, 2011)

No.

If I could control which parts of the boards he could see, then maybe. Since I can't, then no.

But I'm a private person who doesn't even like the idea of reading friends' blogs--too close to comfort. If you want me to know something, you'll tell me. And the reverse is true, too. The most direct form of communication is usually the best. This topic always causes me some anxiety!


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## 1love_emily (Mar 17, 2011)

I kind of had the opposite happen - an open FA introduced me, when I was an unhappy, self loathing, dieting girl, to this site... and it helped me a lot!

I don't have a true "significant other". I'm very single and very much wanting a relationship. But I have a relationship, a "flirty friends" relationship, with this amazing guy named Derek. We've been flirting, talking, etc since my sophomore year. After "breaking up" and reconnecting, he told me about this site. This was my junior year, so I started lurking and learning

I had no idea about the BBW/FA relationship. I thought he was the one guy in the world who would ever love me for the fatty I was. (Young and stupid, was I) We were talking on the phone, and he told me to google Dimensions, and click on the first site. I lurked and finally joined when I could. He was very gentle as I explored. He offered me advice and gave me help over terminology and such. 

He is still incredibly sweet, and I have really fallen for him this time. But even if we don't work out, I'll know that there's a community of people to help me!


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## penguin (Mar 17, 2011)

I introduced my booty call guy to it, but I don't think he's read anything on here. I would let the person I'm dating know about it, because it is somewhere I visit online a lot, and it has helped me a lot too. I'd be much more willing to have them read through posts here than my journal, that's for sure.


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## bobbleheaddoll (Mar 17, 2011)

i told my hub about this site from the get go. he knew i have friends i talk to on and off the web from here...that i have been to and hope to attend future bashes...

he is not an fa and i am the first plus size gal he ever dated (and married!). for me it was more sharing because this, like all the sites i post on, is a place to gain knowledge and make friends. it does cover some great topics and has great people. it brought up some great conversations between us.

i encourage you to share dims with your s/o. talk about what they read and see, how they feel about it and such. communication is always great and it could bring new understanding to both of you.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 18, 2011)

Jes said:


> No.
> 
> *If I could control which parts of the boards he could see, then maybe. Since I can't, then no.*
> 
> But I'm a private person who doesn't even like the idea of reading friends' blogs--too close to comfort. If you want me to know something, you'll tell me. And the reverse is true, too. The most direct form of communication is usually the best. This topic always causes me some anxiety!



I'm totally with you on the bolded part, and I really am *not* a private person at all! I do think that after more time passes and we know each other more deeply I wouldn't really care. But honestly, I don't think I need him to come here for us to have good talks about fat issues, etc.


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## thatgirl08 (Mar 18, 2011)

I understand him not wanting to see parts of the board but maybe you could just give him a disclaimer.. like, there's things on there that I don't like or participate in but I want you to see the rest or something like that.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 18, 2011)

thatgirl08 said:


> I understand him not wanting to see parts of the board but maybe you could just give him a disclaimer.. like, there's things on there that I don't like or participate in but I want you to see the rest or something like that.



Yeah, I did say that to him. I told him if he really wanted to see it, I would give him the link; but after explaining my reasons for hesitating, he said he was fine not visiting. It came up right when we started dating, and I was still feeling out how he was with the whole dating-a-fat-girl thing...but honestly, at this point I don't think I'd really have a problem with him seeing most of the stuff, since we're a bit further along and I feel more secure in the way he seems to relate to me bodily, etc.

I was just kind of curious as to what other women thought/felt about this - I wasn't so much looking for advice.

He said that when I first mentioned to him that I was a member of an internet forum to get fat girl camaraderie (which was a month or two before we started dating even), he did some web searching, and felt like some of the stuff he ran across had a circus-freak feel that really turned him off. I actually rather appreciated that comment.


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## thatgirl08 (Mar 19, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> I was just kind of curious as to what other women thought/felt about this - I wasn't so much looking for advice.



I apologize.. I really wasn't trying to be rude or anything. Just trying to help!


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## superodalisque (Mar 19, 2011)

the guy i'm interested in comes here to read my posts etc... every once in a while. and since its not all of my life i don't feel any particular need to explain things to him. i doubt if he thinks anything in particular about the friends i have made here except what they might bring on individual merit for real. the ones who make it off line don't rely on this place for a life either and honestly don't want to. 

if he finds something interesting he will ask. we love having long conversations and have talked about nearly everything you could think of. we've known each other for quite some time. he's not really that much of an online kind of person anymore. he is really just too busy living life and actually doing things for real. he has dated in the community before but its not really for him. and, he doesn't feel he has much of anything in common with guys who call themselves FAs so comeraderie not a draw either.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 19, 2011)

thatgirl08 said:


> I apologize.. I really wasn't trying to be rude or anything. Just trying to help!



No need to apologize, that wasn't really directed at you specifically at all! More was clearing it up for the thread as a whole - I didn't want it just to be about me and my situation, you know? But about the issue in general. I really appreciated your viewpoints. It's good to hear how different people process this.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 19, 2011)

My current bf has stopped reading Dims - we had some arguments over some of my posts. I felt like it was an invasion of privacy, he agreed that it was harmless fun for me (not to mention I don't go into many details about him/our relationship out of respect for HIS privacy) and everything is good now.


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## olwen (Mar 20, 2011)

I'm wondering how a guy who is attracted to fat women whether or not he is a self described FA would not know about this site or any of the other sites that are similar to this one for that matter. I'd be surprised if he didn't know about it.


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## superodalisque (Mar 20, 2011)

olwen said:


> I'm wondering how a guy who is attracted to fat women whether or not he is a self described FA would not know about this site or any of the other sites that are similar to this one for that matter. I'd be surprised if he didn't know about it.



maybe he's too busy living a real life and dating all of the beautiful fat women in his town?  i know plenty who don't have a clue about all of this and don't even know what an FA is. they barely know what BBW even means.


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## penguin (Mar 20, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> maybe he's too busy living a real life



I've so got to stop living this fake life of mine.


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## olwen (Mar 20, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> maybe he's too busy living a real life and dating all of the beautiful fat women in his town?  i know plenty who don't have a clue about all of this and don't even know what an FA is. they barely know what BBW even means.



No guy is too busy to search out porn on the internet.


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## CastingPearls (Mar 20, 2011)

There are many men with a 'real life' who come to Dims.


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 20, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> maybe he's too busy living a real life and dating all of the beautiful fat women in his town?  i know plenty who don't have a clue about all of this and don't even know what an FA is. they barely know what BBW even means.



I think the deal is that he isn't really "into fat women" as some kind of specific identity. He likes individuals, and I happen to be a fat one. And even though I am pretty positive that fat is not his typical preference, I think he's just radically open to whoever, and he does like me.

Anyway, I've appreciated all of you who've shared how this site does or does not play into your romantic relationships. If anyone else has anything to add, I'm all ears.


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## Emma (Mar 21, 2011)

Its been a long time since I have dated anyone that wasn't at least some way aware of this site existing. I only date FA and most have heard of Dimensions, even if they aren't members. 

I wouldn't feel the need to tell anyone about this site though. It feels like my private space and I'd rather not have people I know from real life reading what I post on the internet. I think it stems from the days of being younger and fat being a very private part of my life. There is a fair few people from my real life who have been on the boards over the last few years and I have never felt comfortable about posting as much as I used to.


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## OneHauteMama (Mar 21, 2011)

I'm not sure if I would introduce my BF to this site. While I love it for the confidence it's given me, I don't visit and post a LOT, so it's not a huge part of my life. A few times a week at most, really. I actually met him on a social chat site and he messaged me and wanted to be friends...and a few days later he asked me to be his GF. We hit it off right away. I asked if he was okay with my size and that's when he told me he was into big girls, so .

I think my biggest issue would be with him looking at some of the different sections of the boards. He's not a feeder, so he might be weirded out by that. I'm not a gainer, I just happen to be a fat girl that accepts who I am...but he IS a fatty lover. He won't date a girl under a size 14 and he did say that he doesn't care if my size 20 self gains weight. But I think he DOES have a limit as to what size he is attracted to on the larger end of the scale, just like he does on the smaller, so maybe the feederism and gaining and SSBBW stuff would be a bit much for him. He's not a judgemental person by any means, but I think _*I *_would be uncomfortable with him seeing that stuff. I'm sure I could disclaim it and let him know I'm not into all that...but, then again, I like having somewhere I can come where it's kinda private from people I know...ya know?

So, in my situation, I'll let him know there's a message board I come to for support with different issues and comeraderie...but I won't extend an invitation for him to join me lol.


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## ashmamma84 (Mar 21, 2011)

She knows about Dims. I don't think she cares enough to read posts or actually sign up.


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## mossystate (Mar 21, 2011)

OneHauteMama said:


> But I think he DOES have a limit as to what size he is attracted to on the larger end of the scale, just like he does on the smaller, so maybe the feederism and gaining and SSBBW stuff would be a bit much for him. He's not a judgemental person by any means, but I think _*I *_would be uncomfortable with him seeing that stuff. I'm sure I could disclaim it and let him know I'm not into all that...but, then again, I like having somewhere I can come where it's kinda private from people I know...ya know?



I need to say that a majority of super size fat women are not into gaining and ' feederism ' ( not a judgment there, just a statement of fact ), so those things do not go hand in hand with a woman simply being at the " larger end of the scale ". Maybe I don't undestand what you mean by " ssbbw stuff " ?


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## Tania (Mar 22, 2011)

Since Dims is a place I post with some frequency, sooner or later the people I'm close to will hear about it. When and if I bring it up, it's usually within the context of a discussion about fashion, health, civil rights, or civil liberties, and almost always to reference conversations that have taken place here (as opposed to "hey there's this place and you might not understand"). Occasionally, I bring it up when explaining how I met some of my friends. 

I don't mind my friends (or sigothers) posting here or reading what I have to say, but I don't actively push Dims as a fat gateway resource or teaching tool anymore. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I don't think Dims is a really good introduction to size acceptance or even fat culture, particularly for fat women. There's enough going on here to overwhelm (and perhaps frighten away) even folks who might eventually get a lot out of it, let alone someone who isn't fat, isn't an FA, and likely doesn't have the time to meaningfully focus and engage here anyway. 

But mostly there's the fact that my particular fat identity isn't really well-represented or even understood here, especially my experiences with eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder. So really, there's nothing that Dims can express for or about my experiences that I can't express myself, directly, and in a lot less time than it takes to root out the metric fuckton of threads that may or may not actually speak for me. 

That isn't to say that in introducing friends or squishes to Dims that anybody else is using the site as a substitute for meaningful communication, because I totally do believe that when you discover other people who "get it," elements of your experience are expressed and amplified in ways that can help outsiders understand you much better. Also, by virtue of the fact that there is often intense friction between the various camps represented at Dims, the boards here can serve as a great microcosmic example of the chasmic philosophical divides between elements of the fat-interested community. 

Anyway.


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## blueeyedevie (Mar 27, 2011)

This is something I have been struggling with. My significant other HATES that I still come to dimensions. I have been hiding it from him lately only admitting to it when asked directly. Now for those that don't know, No we did not meet on Dimensions but we were both on dimensions. I am not sure why he doesn't want me to come here but he doesn't. I have had a hard time recently , we have been hoping I could finish my weight loss journey so we could get married and have a baby. * having to wait on a baby till I loose the weight because I have a heart issue. * I get so confused, he prefers me fat but hates all the things that goes along with me being fat. I have recently hit a place in my weight loss that I cant seem to move past. I go from 440 to 420 every other month. Its like my body is refusing to loose anymore. I come to dimensions for the same reasons I always did, for confidence , for help on being a big women in a small world, and the knowledge that other people are feeling, and going through similar situations that I face. Sometimes I feel Like I should just make him happy and stop and other times I feel like the hell with it, I need to make me happy...


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## thatgirl08 (Mar 27, 2011)

blueeyedevie said:


> This is something I have been struggling with. My significant other HATES that I still come to dimensions. I have been hiding it from him lately only admitting to it when asked directly. Now for those that don't know, No we did not meet on Dimensions but we were both on dimensions. I am not sure why he doesn't want me to come here but he doesn't. I have had a hard time recently , we have been hoping I could finish my weight loss journey so we could get married and have a baby. * having to wait on a baby till I loose the weight because I have a heart issue. * I get so confused, he prefers me fat but hates all the things that goes along with me being fat. I have recently hit a place in my weight loss that I cant seem to move past. I go from 440 to 420 every other month. Its like my body is refusing to loose anymore. I come to dimensions for the same reasons I always did, for confidence , for help on being a big women in a small world, and the knowledge that other people are feeling, and going through similar situations that I face. Sometimes I feel Like I should just make him happy and stop and other times I feel like the hell with it, I need to make me happy...



This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You shouldn't have to hide anything from him and he shouldn't try to stop you from accessing whatever website you want. It also sounds like he's putting an unhealthy amount of pressure on you to lose weight. You shouldn't be losing weight for him, or for anyone. If you want to make changes for your own health, thats fantastic.. if you're trying to push yourself to a specific number or shape or size or whatever to please him.. that's not good. It won't make you happy, and it won't solve whatever problems you're having in your relationship with him. He sounds like a controller.. and that won't change no matter how happy you try to make him. I usually try to refrain from commenting on other peoples relationships, but I had to say something.


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## OneHauteMama (Mar 27, 2011)

mossystate said:


> I need to say that a majority of super size fat women are not into gaining and ' feederism ' ( not a judgment there, just a statement of fact ), so those things do not go hand in hand with a woman simply being at the " larger end of the scale ". Maybe I don't undestand what you mean by " ssbbw stuff " ?



I didn't mean to make it seem like I was saying they go hand-in-hand. Just stating the things I know he is not into. But, that being said, gaining and feederism tend to create women who are on "the larger end of the scale", some of whom are SSBBWs. I know he isn't into all that. And by "stuff" I mean just SSBBWs in general. He isn't into larger women and might be a little weirded out by the level of admiration/adoration and the different pics. I'm sure he is aware that places like Dims exist...just not so sure I'd want him to associate me with liking every aspect of it since I don't. I don't want him to peruse the site and think that I'm into everything Dims has to offer.


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## CastingPearls (Mar 27, 2011)

OneHauteMama said:


> I didn't mean to make it seem like I was saying they go hand-in-hand. Just stating the things I know he is not into. But, that being said, gaining and feederism tend to create women who are on "the larger end of the scale", some of whom are SSBBWs. I know he isn't into all that. And by "stuff" I mean just SSBBWs in general. He isn't into larger women and might be a little weirded out by the level of admiration/adoration and the different pics. I'm sure he is aware that places like Dims exist...just not so sure I'd want him to associate me with liking every aspect of it since I don't. I don't want him to peruse the site and think that I'm into everything Dims has to offer.


If he's not a judgemental person 'by any means' as you noted, then what is wrong with him seeing SSBBW 'stuff' 'in general'? 

He'd be weirded out that people are actually attracted and aroused by SSBBWs? Or is it you that's weirded out?

No attack, I'm genuinely curious.


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## DeerVictory (Mar 27, 2011)

Dims has always been kind of a safe place for me. I think I joined when I was 15 and started posting when I was 16 (I've since turned 18). I'm not sure why I became so attached to this particular site, but I find myself more willing to vent here than I have been on other websites. It might just be because it was one of the first fat communities that I began to participate in. That said, because it is a safe place for me, I asked my boyfriend not to join until I could get more comfortable with the idea of somebody so close to me coming into the area that I felt to be safe for me. I've become more comfortable with the idea of him joining and being active, and honestly, more reluctant in general to broadcast my grievances in any detail in any public internet website. He has joined, but I don't think he's active at all. 

When I was talking to other boys during our brief and traumatizing stint in non-monogamy, I would occasionally recommend them to come here if they seemed relatively new to the FA community, simply because I wasn't invested in them at all and it didn't particularly bother me that they might see my posts.


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## blueeyedevie (Mar 28, 2011)

> This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You shouldn't have to hide anything from him and he shouldn't try to stop you from accessing whatever website you want. It also sounds like he's putting an unhealthy amount of pressure on you to lose weight. You shouldn't be losing weight for him, or for anyone. If you want to make changes for your own health, thats fantastic.. if you're trying to push yourself to a specific number or shape or size or whatever to please him.. that's not good. It won't make you happy, and it won't solve whatever problems you're having in your relationship with him. He sounds like a controller.. and that won't change no matter how happy you try to make him. I usually try to refrain from commenting on other peoples relationships, but I had to say something.


Thatgirl08, thank you for your input. I am diffently trying to loose weight for my health and I want a baby! I have to take a heart medicine that on no circumstance can I get pregnant on. It could kill the baby or me. Loosing weight would either cure the heart problem are allow me to have the surgery I need to correct the problem. The pressure I feel from my significant other only comes from the part where he want marry me right now. He very much likes my weight but wants a long life with me. I do feel we have issues but he is good to me. I just don't know how to make him happy! I do have to ask help and I do say hand me this or that a lot. This is a problem, because for me since I have lost 300 lbs I do so much more for my self yet it still not enough. I have this OCD issue where I want my apartment super clean dinner cooked ( everything perfect) and then when he comes home I am super tired an because he makes no demands on me to do those things when I say I am tired and ask him to so something after being at school all day this is when he gets upset. I wish I knew how to come to a happy place with this situation , does anyone else have this issue?


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## OneHauteMama (Mar 28, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> If he's not a judgemental person 'by any means' as you noted, then what is wrong with him seeing SSBBW 'stuff' 'in general'?
> 
> He'd be weirded out that people are actually attracted and aroused by SSBBWs? Or is it you that's weirded out?
> 
> No attack, I'm genuinely curious.



No offense taken I can see how it would be a little confusing. I'm a little confused about my own feelings about this whole matter of my SO seeing this site. I feel on the one hand that there's nothing wrong with anything on this site, but I also feel embarrassed to have him KNOW I come here and to see what certain parts of this community are about. I know it's probably hypocritical and I should explore my feelings on this more and figure out what's causing it. As it stands right now, I think _I'd_ be weirded out by him seeing it...if that makes sense? I mean, it doesn't weird me out that it's there and that people find it attractive and arousing. To each their own. But it's not really a mainstream thing and I think it would be weird for me to have _him _looking. Like I said, he's not judgemental, but I think the issue is more that I am projecting how I feel onto him. I'd be uncomfortable with him viewing it, so I'm assuming he might be weirded out. It's probably more of an excuse to justify not wanting him to come here. 

Wow. I think I just "Dr. Freud"ed myself...:blush:


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## LovelyLiz (Mar 28, 2011)

Someone from the boards said something to me yesterday that I think cuts to the heart of this for me. She said, "Once someone sees something, they can't UNSEE it." And I guess there are certain things here that I don't want my bf to think about when he thinks about me (or when he thinks about fat people in general) - and even as much as people can rationally tell themselves that a certain image/activity is not a part of their relationship, sometimes images or ideas imprint themselves in ways that can be hard to shake - and depending on what those images/ideas are, it can be destructive.


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## Tania (Mar 28, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> Someone from the boards said something to me yesterday that I think cuts to the heart of this for me. She said, "Once someone sees something, they can't UNSEE it." And I guess there are certain things here that I don't want my bf to think about when he thinks about me (or when he thinks about fat people in general) - and even as much as people can rationally tell themselves that a certain image/activity is not a part of their relationship, sometimes images or ideas imprint themselves in ways that can be hard to shake - and depending on what those images/ideas are, it can be destructive.



Dims is a complicated place filled with potentially scary ideas, but then again, so is the world. If your boyfriend is caring, rational, and intelligent enough to be worth his relationship salt - and I'm betting he is - he will be able to adapt to the notion that you share boardspace with controversial fat interest groups a,b, and c without necessarily sharing their interests or even condoning them. He will also be able to appropriately contextualize those controversial fat interests for himself in an honest and healthy way, if he hasn't already. 

If you're afraid that Dims might awaken a latent fetish or make him fearful that because he finds you attractive he might have some sort of creepy issue, I'd relax.  The former you have no control over and the latter seems unlikely given the fact that he openly and contentedly dates a fat person. 

It sounds like an issue of timing more than anything. Maybe right now isn't the time to throw him head-first into the boards or even to have an in-depth talk about what really happens at Dims, but as you get more serious some sort of detailed Dimscussion will become inevitable, because fat politics and Dims are important to you. This might not be a place he should or would even want to frequent, but he ought to be capable of facing the idea of what happens here, and you are more than capable of helping him do that. :*


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## OneHauteMama (Mar 29, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> Someone from the boards said something to me yesterday that I think cuts to the heart of this for me. She said, "Once someone sees something, they can't UNSEE it." And I guess there are certain things here that I don't want my bf to think about when he thinks about me (or when he thinks about fat people in general) - and even as much as people can rationally tell themselves that a certain image/activity is not a part of their relationship, sometimes images or ideas imprint themselves in ways that can be hard to shake - and depending on what those images/ideas are, it can be destructive.



Ya know... I think this might be the crux of it for me...I couldn't express it like this, but yeah... I think that's it.


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## Artemisia (Mar 29, 2011)

I'm new, but thought I'd weigh in... right after I registered I sent my husband a link to the site and said, "Hey, look at this great forum I discovered! You should join."  He won't, but only really because of lack of interest. He's not a fat admirer, I think he was surprised that fat admirers exist. We met when I was a lot smaller (in the midst of a severe restrictive eating disorder) and though he has no issue with my gaining 100+ lbs as I've recovered from the eating disorder, I don't think someone my size is his "type," in a vacuum. If that makes sense 

The guy I'm dating, however (I'm polyamorous, in an open marriage) probably knows something about Dimensions and definitely knows what a fat admirer is. I thought he was an FA at first, because his fiancee is about my size (though quite a bit shorter), and his other girlfriend is a small BBW, but he said that he wasn't hard-wired FA. Which is cool. I've dated/loved men of all sizes. My first kiss was an amazing BHM (oo, melt), one of my first major crushes was a different BHM (with such a singing voice!), my first long-term BF was extremely light, and so on down the line.

I would love to introduce my husband to Dimensions more, however, because I think he'd really benefit from being exposed to a group of men who do find fat attractive. He was raised in our lovely anti-fat culture and though I think he's not hardwired to be attracted to thin women, has absorbed some of the negative notions of fat (that it can't be attractive, that there's something dirty or bad about it, or that it's negatively reflective of the character of the individual who is fat, and so on). He's a convert to size acceptance these past few years, but still, the cult of thin = beautiful is a rather lingering thing.


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