# Admitting ur different



## BOXER (Dec 9, 2007)

Just wondering when and how u guys "came out" with being an FA? What did u say? How was it recieved?


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## k1009 (Dec 9, 2007)

Why do you have to come out? Why not just look for larger ladies and explain your preferences if someone notices a pattern and asks what's up with it.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> Why do you have to come out? Why not just look for larger ladies and explain your preferences if someone notices a pattern and asks what's up with it.



Hmmm. If it were that easy...


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## GWARrior (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> Hmmm. If it were that easy...



Why do you say its not? I prefer guys with long hair.... should I "come out"? Sit my friends and parents down and explain to them that I adore long hair on men?

Finding big women more attractive is not something you need to explain to everyone on the street, not even to your family and friends. Its just something you like.

This coming out business really confuses me.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

I mean, friends and, in particularly, family, seem to have expectations. It's easy to defy societal rules on what is beautiful. It's less easy to get others to do so.


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## Blackjack (Dec 9, 2007)

EDIT: Nevermind, was beat to it.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> EDIT: Nevermind, was beat to it.



What were you going to say?


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## GWARrior (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> I mean, friends and, in particularly, family, seem to have expectations. It's easy to defy societal rules on what is beautiful. It's less easy to get others to do so.



But youre not getting others to defy societal rules. You can do what you like and they can do what they like. No big deal.


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## k1009 (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> I mean, friends and, in particularly, family, seem to have expectations. It's easy to defy societal rules on what is beautiful. It's less easy to get others to do so.



Is it really that bad? I just can't imagine family telling someone that their partner is too fat.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

GWARrior said:


> But youre not getting others to defy societal rules. You can do what you like and they can do what they like. No big deal.



I think, in an ideal world, the way you describe the situation would be wonderful. 

I'm very close to my family, though. My sister is my best friend too. I know that they all want what is best for me. Sometimes what they want overshadows what I want for myself. I know that presenting my preferences to them will be a major ordeal. And I'll only do it when I find someone I love. Maybe it's easier for some than for others. I think you have to realise that different people have different relationships to the people around them. It would be wonderful to live in a bubble with the person you love, but the reality is that, when you love someone, you want to share them and show them off to your family and friends. Human relationships are a battle. It's not as easy as "no big deal".


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

I'm sorry for jumping from point to point in an inarticulate way. I think that this subject is important though. And I have so many feelings about it that it's difficult to know where to begin.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

I can sort of see the guys' points. I mean..I wouldn't bring it up at Christmas dinner "I like fat girls, please pass the potatoes" or anything like that, but if someone grows up in a household or has friends/co-workers that would consider admiring larger people outside the norm, I can see how it might be something they would feel like they had to tip-toe around. And when or if they do decide to finally say they prefer bbw's or bhm's...would they have to sort of have debate material prepared?? Sure, they can just find nice girls that they also find physically attractive and date...but maybe they would grow tired of having to defend every one they chose to date and just get it over with at once?? I don't know if I am making any sense anymore...but I just wanted to say that I understand how it is a "coming out" of sorts.


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

Oh BOY.

Okay. I have said this before, I'll say it again-- closet FAs, you can bite my ass. Do you think it's easy being fat? Especially being SS or whatever the hell? No, it's not! That should be painfully obvious. The least you could do is give us some respect by being open about who and what you like. We get a lot of disrespect from everyone else-- we don't need it from you, too.

You're different. Big freakin' whoop! Everyone's normal until you get to know them anyway. Do us all a favor and stop hiding.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Oh BOY.
> 
> Okay. I have said this before, I'll say it again-- closet FAs, you can bite my ass. Do you think it's easy being fat? Especially being SS or whatever the hell? No, it's not! That should be painfully obvious. The least you could do is give us some respect by being open about who and what you like. We get a lot of disrespect from everyone else-- we don't need it from you, too.
> 
> You're different. Big freakin' whoop! Everyone's normal until you get to know them anyway. Do us all a favor and stop hiding.



I think this particular person doesn't want to stay "closeted" anymore...which is why the post was left. Instead of attacking him, maybe we can give him ideas on how to talk to his family and friends about his preferences and encourage him and support him and maybe others will follow suit? Just a thought.


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## Renaissance Woman (Dec 9, 2007)

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tooz again."


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

goofy girl said:


> I think this particular person doesn't want to stay "closeted" anymore...which is why the post was left. Instead of attacking him, maybe we can give him ideas on how to talk to his family and friends about his preferences and encourage him and support him and maybe others will follow suit? Just a thought.



Eh, there have been too many people scared of it on these forums for me to have any sympathy anymore. If he wants to get out of the closet, he should fucking do it.


p.s. :wubu: Miss R. Woman.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Eh, there have been too many people scared of it on these forums for me to have any sympathy anymore. If he wants to get out of the closet, he should fucking do it.
> 
> 
> p.s. :wubu: Miss R. Woman.



I wasn't saying to pity him or anything and I also agree that he is the only one that can change his "closet"edness (or whatever the term would be for that)...but I think that verbally attacking him sure won't help him come out!!


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

goofy girl said:


> I wasn't saying to pity him or anything and I also agree that he is the only one that can change his "closet"edness (or whatever the term would be for that)...but I think that verbally attacking him sure won't help him come out!!



Tough love, baby.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Tough love, baby.



Maybe there should be an episode of "Intervention" dedicated to closet FA's?


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## Renaissance Woman (Dec 9, 2007)

goofy girl said:


> I think this particular person doesn't want to stay "closeted" anymore...which is why the post was left. Instead of attacking him, maybe we can give him ideas on how to talk to his family and friends about his preferences and encourage him and support him and maybe others will follow suit? Just a thought.


The problem with this is that this particular topic has been discussed ad nauseum. A quick search of the boards will bring up all kinds of advice we don't need to repost again. When I can be fat in secret and be skinny in public, then I might have some sympathy. Until then, it's not gonna happen. 

Anybody who needs his hand held because he's got a particular sexual preference isn't mature enough to be dating. If he doesn't have the balls to be honest about himself with friends and family, he sure as hell isn't ready for the openness and honesty involved in a mature sexual relationship.


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> The problem with this is that this particular topic has been discussed ad nauseum. A quick search of the boards will bring up all kinds of advice we don't need to repost again. When I can be fat in secret and be skinny in public, then I might have some sympathy. Until then, it's not gonna happen.
> 
> Anybody who needs his hand held because he's got a particular sexual preference isn't mature enough to be dating. If he doesn't have the balls to be honest about himself with friends and family, he sure as hell isn't ready for the openness and honesty involved in a mature sexual relationship.



Sufficiently rep'd. This is what I was trying to say as well.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Eh, there have been too many people scared of it on these forums for me to have any sympathy anymore. If he wants to get out of the closet, he should fucking do it.
> 
> 
> p.s. :wubu: Miss R. Woman.



"Eh, there have been too many people scared of it on these forums?"

Doesn't it show you that it's something that people seriously struggle with? The whole concept of "size acceptance" implies that a struggle is involved. Admitting that one is attracted to fat women is not the hard part. I wouldn't suggest announcing your preferences to your family over Christmas dinner but, presumably, there will come a time when some of us may be lucky enough to meet someone we fall in love with and want to be with. There will be a size acceptance issue involved then, in telling that to the people closest and most precious to you.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> The problem with this is that this particular topic has been discussed ad nauseum. A quick search of the boards will bring up all kinds of advice we don't need to repost again. When I can be fat in secret and be skinny in public, then I might have some sympathy. Until then, it's not gonna happen.
> 
> Anybody who needs his hand held because he's got a particular sexual preference isn't mature enough to be dating. If he doesn't have the balls to be honest about himself with friends and family, he sure as hell isn't ready for the openness and honesty involved in a mature sexual relationship.



Very well put.


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> "Eh, there have been too many people scared of it on these forums?"
> 
> Doesn't it show you that it's something that people seriously struggle with? The whole concept of "size acceptance" implies that a struggle is involved. Admitting that one is attracted to fat women is not the hard part. I wouldn't suggest announcing your preferences to your family over Christmas dinner but, presumably, there will come a time when some of us may be lucky enough to meet someone we fall in love with and want to be with. There will be a size acceptance issue involved then, in telling that to the people closest and most precious to you.



My point is these people who are too scared to admit they like fatties publicly have no idea what it's like to LIVE LIFE as a fatty. Way harder. If we can deal with it, they can buck up and be a man (or woman).


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> My point is these people who are too scared to admit they like fatties publicly have no idea what it's like to LIVE LIFE as a fatty. Way harder. If we can deal with it, they can buck up and be a man (or woman).



I'm not arguing against you, Tooz. I really think you're correct. I just think we should recognise that it's difficult for all involved, rather than berating people who struggle with it.


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> I'm not arguing against you, Tooz. I really think you're correct. I just think we should recognise that it's difficult for all involved, rather than berating people who struggle with it.



I have just been down this very same road way too many times.


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## Caligula (Dec 9, 2007)

Why must I "come out"....I don't make a big thing of it, but if say I was dating a very fat women I wouldn't go around saying "Hello everyone, my name is Joe, oh and btw I am sexually attracted to fat women". I would say "Hey, im joe and this is my girlfriend sally." If someone asked me about her size I would just say I love her for who she is and that that isn't important to me. I dont have to "come out" for shit and I can be a "closet" fa all I want. If I date a fat girl than so be it, but Im not going to make abig thing about my prefrences.Right now my gf is just plump tho and I love her just like that.


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> My point is these people who are too scared to admit they like fatties publicly have no idea what it's like to LIVE LIFE as a fatty. Way harder. If we can deal with it, they can buck up and be a man (or woman).



To me, it's not even a tit-for-tat sort of thing (I know that this isn't exactly what you are saying, but in a general sense, it is). I don't understand the whole "closeted FA" thing myself. I don't think that I could possibly care *less*, what someone may think of the man that I'm with, or what (they think) that may say about me. And if my friends or family didn't like my partner, based only on the fact that he's fat ... they'd find themselves sans my company. Fortunately, I don't think that I have any friends or family who are that shallow. 

Having an attraction to larger men or women isn't something that one should feel the need to "overcome" or "come to terms with". It's just ... a preference. It wouldn't even occur to me to have this kind of discussion with my family, anymore than I'd casually mention that I prefer men with olive skin and dark eyes. It may come out in passing, if it comes out at all.

So yeah ... I understand the frustration. Talking about "coming out" and admitting that you have a preference for fat women carries with it an underlying assumption that there is something to be ashamed of.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Caligula said:


> If someone asked me about her size I would just say I love her for who she is and that that isn't important to me.



But we're talking about size acceptance. You shouldn't have to say "in spite of..."


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> But we're talking about size acceptance. You shouldn't have to say "in spite of..."



I didn't hear an "in spite of" there. I heard a "your opinion of my lover's beauty isn't important to me." Big difference.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> But we're talking about size acceptance. You shouldn't have to say "in spite of..."



Traci's right, and Size Acceptance isn't always in spite of. If it's just viewed as a descriptor ("XYZ is fat, and that's perfectly fine"), it's still neutral.


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## sweet&fat (Dec 9, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> I didn't hear an "in spite of" there. I heard a "your opinion of my lover's beauty isn't important to me." Big difference.



That's how the sentence should ideally read. Does it in fact? I'm not sure. 
I find it very interesting that the imagined words in defense of a theoretical gf's size are "it isn't important to me" instead of "I think fat women are beautiful" or the like.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Fine.

I just think it's more difficult than saying that you just don't care. Sometimes it is a battle to get the people you care about, and who care about you, to understand your choice of life-partner. It isn't something that should be belittled. And it isn't a battle that should be ignored or avoided. Everyone involved has feelings and should be treated as such.

I'm sorry for offending anyone.


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## Ash (Dec 9, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Traci's right, and Size Acceptance isn't always in spite of. If it's just viewed as a descriptor ("XYZ is fat, and that's perfectly fine"), it's still neutral.


But, if we're talking about an FA, here, doesn't the label imply that he's not neutral to fat? It implies that he admires it. And so he shouldn't have to say "it doesn't matter to me," because that isn't true.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

sweet&fat said:


> That's how the sentence should ideally read. Does it in fact? I'm not sure.
> I find it very interesting that the imagined words in defense of a theoretical gf's size are "it isn't important to me" instead of "I think fat women are beautiful" or the like.



Absolutely!


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> Fine.
> 
> I just think it's more difficult than saying that you just don't care. Sometimes it is a battle to get the people you care about, and who care about you, to understand your choice of life-partner. It isn't something that should be belittled. And it isn't a battle that should be ignored or avoided. Everyone involved has feelings and should be treated as such.
> 
> I'm sorry for offending anyone.



Bafta, you haven't offended me. Truly, I just don't understand why this is an issue for you. If your friends and family are fat-phobic, well ... that's sad. But it doesn't change who you are, and who you like, and it shouldn't hold you back from going after whatever makes you happy. I'm just saying ... if it were me, I wouldn't feel a big need to "come out" to my family. I would just be very matter-of-fact about it. It is what it is. No need for explanations or apologies.


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## sweet&fat (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> I just think it's more difficult than saying that you just don't care. *Sometimes it is a battle to get the people you care about, and who care about you, to understand your choice of life-partner. *It isn't something that should be belittled. And it isn't a battle that should be ignored or avoided. Everyone involved has feelings and should be treated as such.



I've seen it firsthand. Before my brother came out (gay, not FA), my parents assumed that his female best friend was his serious gf and gave him hell because they didn't think she was pretty or cosmopolitan enough and (gasp!) she was fat to boot. I found it particularly amusing that they argued their case to me as well, basically reinforcing how unacceptable it is to be fat, but I digress. They were on his case all the time about it until he came out, and although completely made up in my parents' heads, it was indeed a very miserable family situation.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

Ashley said:


> But, if we're talking about an FA, here, doesn't the label imply that he's not neutral to fat? It implies that he admires it. And so he shouldn't have to say "it doesn't matter to me," because that isn't true.



Well yea, but I was speaking towards Bafta1 who coined Size Acceptance instead of Fat Admiration. 

I forgot to put that in actually (I was going to ask "But, we're talking about Fat Admiration right?"). Sorry for the confusion.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> Bafta, you haven't offended me. Truly, I just don't understand why this is an issue for you. If your friends and family are fat-phobic, well ... that's sad. But it doesn't change who you are, and who you like, and it shouldn't hold you back from going after whatever makes you happy. I'm just saying ... if it were me, I wouldn't feel a big need to "come out" to my family. I would just be very matter-of-fact about it. It is what it is. No need for explanations or apologies.



Well, again, that all depends on what type of relationship you have to your family. Things cannot always be so black-and-white, TraciJo. Different people are going to react differently. We should not belittle anyone's experience with this issue. Otherwise, you're in danger of not taking each person's uniqueness of familial experience into consideration.


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## Ash (Dec 9, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Well yea, but I was speaking towards Bafta1 who coined Size Acceptance instead of Fat Admiration.
> 
> I forgot to put that in actually (I was going to ask "But, we're talking about Fat Admiration right?"). Sorry for the confusion.



I think this is both. Because the person in question is an FA, but we're talking about size acceptance on the friends and family level. So saying "It doesn't matter to me" is dodging. It matters to the FA. It SHOULDN'T matter to the friends and family, but sometimes it does. And sometimes it's a struggle. 

I just think it's counterproductive to completely discount the feelings and experiences of those who have struggled with the way their families react to a fat partner.


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## k1009 (Dec 9, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> Bafta, you haven't offended me. Truly, I just don't understand why this is an issue for you. If your friends and family are fat-phobic, well ... that's sad. But it doesn't change who you are, and who you like, and it shouldn't hold you back from going after whatever makes you happy. I'm just saying ... if it were me, I wouldn't feel a big need to "come out" to my family. I would just be very matter-of-fact about it. It is what it is. No need for explanations or apologies.



I'm a nosey parker so naturally I click on just about everyone's profile. Bafta is in the UK and expresses a love for ssbbws which might be where his concern comes from. My family are originally from England and the times we've been back I admit I've only seen the sort of fat women there that would qualify as supersized a few times, and they were getting lots of stares. Same thing here, there's like an acceptable level of fat, any bigger is not that common and becomes sort of like a freakshow. I can understand it being an issue then to introduce family to a woman whose size they've probably never encountered before.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Well yea, but I was speaking towards Bafta1 who coined Size Acceptance instead of Fat Admiration.
> 
> I forgot to put that in actually (I was going to ask "But, we're talking about Fat Admiration right?"). Sorry for the confusion.



OK. But if you're talking about getting others to accept your choice of partner, then you enter the realm of size acceptance. It's much of a muchness, no?


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

sweet&fat said:


> I've seen it firsthand. Before my brother came out (gay, not FA), my parents assumed that his female best friend was his serious gf and gave him hell because they didn't think she was pretty or cosmopolitan enough and (gasp!) she was fat to boot. I found it particularly amusing that they argued their case to me as well, basically reinforcing how unacceptable it is to be fat, but I digress. They were on his case all the time about it until he came out, and although completely made up in my parents' heads, it was indeed a very miserable family situation.



Yea. It's seen as so bad that you sometimes have to really be on your toes when it comes to your lover vs your friends/family that may oppose it.

My family and friends know, but I almost lost a few friends who challenged me on it. 

My family is all mixed on the issue though:
My brother likes thin women more than fat women, but he's open. My mother is a health freak, but she wants everyone to be accepted (And she's sort of ambivalent with her views; Sometimes they coincide with HAES/FAES, and sometimes she seems alarmed about t3h fat), whilst my sister and step dad hate t3h fat.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Ashley said:


> I think this is both. Because the person in question is an FA, but we're talking about size acceptance on the friends and family level. So saying "It doesn't matter to me" is dodging. It matters to the FA. It SHOULDN'T matter to the friends and family, but sometimes it does. And sometimes it's a struggle.
> 
> I just think it's counterproductive to completely discount the feelings and experiences of those who have struggled with the way their families react to a fat partner.



Yes, what she said!


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> I'm a nosey parker so naturally I click on just about everyone's profile. Bafta is in the UK and expresses a love for ssbbws which might be where his concern comes from. My family are originally from England and the times we've been back I admit I've only seen the sort of fat women there that would qualify as supersized a few times, and they were getting lots of stares. Same thing here, there's like an acceptable level of fat, any bigger is not that common and becomes sort of like a freakshow. I can understand it being an issue then to introduce family to a woman whose size they've probably never encountered before.



When I brought home my first real love (and the man that I married), I knew that my racist family would have issues with him. My approach was, in retrospect, horrific. I did everything but outright scream, "Look, mom and dad! He's dark! I mean, he's REALLY REALLY dark!! And did I mention that he's VERY DARK?!?!" At that time, I thought that I was distancing myself from beliefs that they held, beliefs that I was ashamed of. Of course, my behavior put me in the very same category *with* them ... just the flip side to a razor-thin coin. Had I to do it over again, I would have mentioned his skin color and a bit of his background to them, prior to a meeting, in a very matter-of-fact way. And I would have told them that I loved him, and that he made me very happy (asking, in a round-about way, that they treat him respectfully). I would have then just left it at that. 

This is just a bit of background, as it highlights where I'm coming from. I know that we all have our own unique experiences, and I wasn't discounting familial reaction to a BBW/SSBBW. I was just saying that, if she makes Bafta happy, and he loves her ... a practical approach is likely the best one. Just understanding that the family may have issues, but that they aren't *his* issues, and he doesn't have to make them his problem. In a perfect world, it would be wonderful if our friends and family accepted our every choice. But that doesn't always happen. It may be disappointing, but it doesn't have to be an over-arching obstacle.


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## Ernest Nagel (Dec 9, 2007)

I guess this could be a separate thread or maybe it's already been discussed elsewhere? Anyway, I'm going "off the grid" in a few days and won't be able to log on so I'll just drop this here. Does it make a difference what an FA says to a skinny chick that's hitting on him? As a matter of integrity am I bound to say "Sorry, you seem nice but your narrow ass just doesn't appeal to me."

As I'm making the required rounds of business holiday parties it's been a recurring issue lately. I'm no prize but I'm in that age group where apparently all the 40+ single women seem to perceive an easy target. I used to just wobble the old wedding band and smile apologetically when gals got too flirty. That defense being gone I try to fall back on "I don't date clients employees", which is true but as I've discovered twice lately is by no means foolproof. I realize there are several viable lies that leave no hurt feelings (seeing someone, spiritually celibate, etc.) but as a matter of principle I don't like to lie.

So what say you? Is it necessary, appropriate or situation specific that I reject overtures from the less well padded with the simple truth, I dig BIG? My instinct is that it's just as hurtful and inconsiderate as telling someone she's too fat, but some of the posts here make me wonder. Is it an FA's duty to state his preference to anyone, if it's clearly a factor? Also, for the ladies, do you prefer a guy be straight with you if you've expressed an interest and there's no reciprocity? Do you need to know why?

Incidentally, some of these ladies are QUITE forward, as in putting her hotel key card in my pocket, for one example. I don't know if that changes anything?


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

Ashley said:


> I think this is both. Because the person in question is an FA, but we're talking about size acceptance on the friends and family level. So saying "It doesn't matter to me" is dodging. It matters to the FA. It SHOULDN'T matter to the friends and family, but sometimes it does. And sometimes it's a struggle.
> 
> I just think it's counterproductive to completely discount the feelings and experiences of those who have struggled with the way their families react to a fat partner.




I never thought of it that way. I've had very little experience with it, but with my last ex (Who was mid size: 5'5", in the 230-250 range), my parents were definitely fine with her as a person, but my step dad still tells me of his disapproval of fat people occasionally. I think in that case he still wasn't being accepting (I.e. "In spite of"), but tried to work on it. We broke up, but those two were actually getting along (She's Puerto Rican too: He liked that apparently! *Laughs* ), but I still think he had some problem with her size. I never thought of them crossing there, but it seems that they do. 

That's kind of what I meant to imply when I said "Stay on your toes." You certainly do have to take the opinions of your family and friends into account, but if you and your partner decide that your love knows no bounds: I think you should stay together, and maybe lose a few family and friends (Should they truly oppose it) after thinking about it for awhile. If not: Break up, or be friends unfortunately. Not that either case is easy (This is definitely complex), but I wouldn't automatically jump to my family and friends, nor would I automatically tell them to fuck off. 

It's definitely a struggle. I wasn't trying to imply that it wasn't. My decisions aren't predetermined, but there's some people in my life where if they really did go farther than simply saying "I don't like fat women, and you shouldn't either." I already have predetermined vibes about what I think of their opinion, simply based on what I've observed before. Like my step dad: I love him, but I _may or may not_ start the whole thing by thinking "If we don't agree to a compromise, then his opinion doesn't matter to me."

As for the situation: I've heard a lot about how many FAs here have "Come out" simply based on their actions. I've told people on occasion (And the big "Come Out" moment was the same), but others simply know from my myspace (A: One of my mother's old friends tried challenging me at 35 years old!; It was great to say "That's my preference." ), my dates (B), one time it was a joke ("Jon likes a girl that weighs 450 pounds." "Jon I know that doesn't offend you, because that's true"), et cetera. Maybe the action is easier, since all you have to do is tell them about it after you're already dating larger women. I don't know. I'm all wound up now. Can I phone a friend, and then poll the audience?!?!?!?


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## k1009 (Dec 9, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> I guess this could be a separate thread or maybe it's already been discussed elsewhere? Anyway, I'm going "off the grid" in a few days and won't be able to log on so I'll just drop this here. Does it make a difference what an FA says to a skinny chick that's hitting on him? As a matter of integrity am I bound to say "Sorry, you seem nice but your narrow ass just doesn't appeal to me."
> 
> As I'm making the required rounds of business holiday parties it's been a recurring issue lately. I'm no prize but I'm in that age group where apparently all the 40+ single women seem to perceive an easy target. I used to just wobble the old wedding band and smile apologetically when gals got too flirty. That defense being gone I try to fall back on "I don't date clients employees", which is true but as I've discovered twice lately is by no means foolproof. I realize there are several viable lies that leave no hurt feelings (seeing someone, spiritually celibate, etc.) but as a matter of principle I don't like to lie.
> 
> ...



Three words: I am gay.


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## stan_der_man (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> Why do you have to come out? Why not just look for larger ladies and explain your preferences if someone notices a pattern and asks what's up with it.


This is basically the way I did it. I let my actions speak for themselves, I went about dating whomever I wanted to date fat or thin and made no apologies about it. When people (family & friends) asked why I tended to date fat women I simply told them that I found them to be attractive. I was always a brave and forthright stud, accepted my preference and never had any problems with this... (actually not...)

I remember in the beginning I simply told them that (insert date's name) was a fun and beautiful person, I liked her, simple as that. My family and friends eventually accepted them on that basis. It really wasn't that easy and it was a long process at first. Having them accept my friend was the easy part, having my family and friends come to terms with my attraction to fat women was the hard part for me. Just as it is for many other FAs.




Bafta1 said:


> I mean, friends and, in particularly, family, seem to have expectations. It's easy to defy societal rules on what is beautiful. It's less easy to get others to do so.


In some ways, being fat and having the whole world see it is easier than being someone attracted to fat and having to explain it to a hostile world. A fat person "can't help" being fat or simply just is fat, people understand that a fat person is of that condition and has to make do. A FA makes a "conscious decision" to like fat women, and in the same way a fat person is badgered to loose weight, a FA is badgered as to why they are attracted to fat women, and how disgusting or perverted that is. Friends and family of fat people try to "help" them loose weight, they also ridicule them. Friends and family of FAs look upon them with scorn, ridicule them at times and, worse case scenerio outright call them perverted. Divergent in subject, but very much related to a FA "outing" himself... how good of a relationship a FA has with his family and friends is very important as to how easy it will be for him to have his preference accepted. It will be much easier for the FA and fat partner to be accepted if the FA has a good relationship with his friends and family. They will much more accepting and things will go more smoothly.




Renaissance Woman said:


> The problem with this is that this particular topic has been discussed ad nauseum. A quick search of the boards will bring up all kinds of advice we don't need to repost again. When I can be fat in secret and be skinny in public, then I might have some sympathy. Until then, it's not gonna happen.


I completely agree with you in principle on this RenWoman, I've posted many a diatribe on this subject myself. But it could also be argued that we have had too many threads on the beautiful experience of a fat person "discovering their beauty" and "accepting themselves". These people could also be directed to search the forums and find like threads, there are plenty of them. Why didn't these fat people just pull themselves up by their boot straps, be proud of themselves and get this process over with years ago? Fat people accepting themselves and taking pride in themselves would make life a hell of a lot easier for FAs trying to come to grips with their preference and find acceptance themselves. It really is a two way street. Often times FAs are dragged down by a fat person's self loathing more than they are dragged down by external pressure to be "normal". Often times it is the fat person who besides being their own worse critic, is also a critic of the FA. I would even go so far as saying that some fat people are still in the "closet" themselves. By this I mean that even though a fat person is obviously (visibly) fat, they don't accept themselves as being a fat person, and are ambivalent in their own acceptance of their fatness and ambivalent in how they feel about a FA being attracted to them. Often times the FA has to help the fat person "come out of the closet" and accept themselves. Being pulled so many directions has put many a FA right back into the closet. When I was young, I gave up on dating for many years because this just tore me apart. It took me a while to accept myself as a FA, I wanted to be a good person, I didn't want to considered a pervert; Mostly I didn't want to be considered a pervert by the women that I was attracted to, I didn't care as much what my friends and family thought. I had never met a fat woman who fully accepted herself as being fat until discovering Dimensions.




> Anybody who needs his hand held because he's got a particular sexual preference isn't mature enough to be dating. If he doesn't have the balls to be honest about himself with friends and family, he sure as hell isn't ready for the openness and honesty involved in a mature sexual relationship.


Ren, you have been a fat woman for many years, and I have been a FA for many years. We have come to grips with all of this, I'm not trying to be presumptious, I imagine it took you many years to become accepting of yourself, it took many years for me to become accepting of myself as a FA. Would you also say that a fat woman who doesn't accept herself is also not mature enough to date?

I respect you Renaissance Woman, I'm not trying to put you on the spot. This is just the story from the other side as I see it...


Stan


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## sweet&fat (Dec 9, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> So what say you? Is it necessary, appropriate or situation specific that I reject overtures from the less well padded with the simple truth, I dig BIG? My instinct is that it's just as hurtful and inconsiderate as telling someone she's too fat, but some of the posts here make me wonder. Is it an FA's duty to state his preference to anyone, if it's clearly a factor? Also, for the ladies, do you prefer a guy be straight with you if you've expressed an interest and there's no reciprocity? Do you need to know why?



Why would it be wrong for anyone, regardless of who they are, to be polite when rejecting an unwanted advance? I've used the boyfriend card countless times, as it makes the decision less personal. Honesty is self-serving when it needlessly hurts others.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> I guess this could be a separate thread or maybe it's already been discussed elsewhere? Anyway, I'm going "off the grid" in a few days and won't be able to log on so I'll just drop this here. Does it make a difference what an FA says to a skinny chick that's hitting on him? As a matter of integrity am I bound to say "Sorry, you seem nice but your narrow ass just doesn't appeal to me."
> 
> As I'm making the required rounds of business holiday parties it's been a recurring issue lately. I'm no prize but I'm in that age group where apparently all the 40+ single women seem to perceive an easy target. I used to just wobble the old wedding band and smile apologetically when gals got too flirty. That defense being gone I try to fall back on "I don't date clients employees", which is true but as I've discovered twice lately is by no means foolproof. I realize there are several viable lies that leave no hurt feelings (seeing someone, spiritually celibate, etc.) but as a matter of principle I don't like to lie.
> 
> ...




Unfortunately, when people think you're hard to get, they try harder.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> When I brought home my first real love (and the man that I married), I knew that my racist family would have issues with him. My approach was, in retrospect, horrific. I did everything but outright scream, "Look, mom and dad! He's dark! I mean, he's REALLY REALLY dark!! And did I mention that he's VERY DARK?!?!" At that time, I thought that I was distancing myself from beliefs that they held, beliefs that I was ashamed of. Of course, my behavior put me in the very same category *with* them ... just the flip side to a razor-thin coin. *Had I to do it over again, I would have mentioned his skin color and a bit of his background to them, prior to a meeting, in a very matter-of-fact way. And I would have told them that I loved him, and that he made me very happy *(asking, in a round-about way, that they treat him respectfully). I would have then just left it at that.
> 
> This is just a bit of background, as it highlights where I'm coming from. I know that we all have our own unique experiences, and I wasn't discounting familial reaction to a BBW/SSBBW. I was just saying that, if she makes Bafta happy, and he loves her ... a practical approach is likely the best one. Just understanding that the family may have issues, but that they aren't *his* issues, and he doesn't have to make them his problem. In a perfect world, it would be wonderful if our friends and family accepted our every choice. But that doesn't always happen. It may be disappointing, but it doesn't have to be an over-arching obstacle.




I think you have a good point. My fiance, who is not an FA did mention to his Mom that I was ..as he put it "very cuddly shaped" before she met me. He didn't think he needed to say anything at all..but I asked him to just to prevent any potential awkward moments during our first girlfriend-Mom meet. I don't know that she would have given a crap either way, but *I *wanted to make sure it was out in the open as opposed to the elephant in the room (so to speak )

Also, I was thinking about this thread a while ago (while i was baking peanut butter cookies haha) and I remembered when I was a young woman, around 19 or 20 and trying to gain confidence and be comfortable with who I was. I started going to BBW events ..and as a FAT WOMAN I was embarrassed to tell my mother (also a very large woman at the time) where I was going, and would make up random places to tell her I was taking a weekend trip to. Why? I have no idea...but I can tell you that it took me almost a year to tell her the truth about attending BBW events and dances and when I finally told her the truth it was not easy.


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## Santaclear (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Oh BOY.
> 
> Okay. I have said this before, I'll say it again-- closet FAs, you can bite my ass. Do you think it's easy being fat? Especially being SS or whatever the hell? No, it's not! That should be painfully obvious. The least you could do is give us some respect by being open about who and what you like. We get a lot of disrespect from everyone else-- we don't need it from you, too.
> 
> You're different. Big freakin' whoop! Everyone's normal until you get to know them anyway. Do us all a favor and stop hiding.



Well said. This "closeted FA" thing seems so minor to me compared with other issues.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

sweet&fat said:


> Why would it be wrong for anyone, regardless of who they are, to be polite when rejecting an unwanted advance? I've used the boyfriend card countless times, as it makes the decision less personal. Honesty is self-serving when it needlessly hurts others.



Correct! 

You don't even have to mention a trait (Fat, thin, tall, short) either. All you need is a tactful retort.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> So what say you? Is it necessary, appropriate or situation specific that I reject overtures from the less well padded with the simple truth, I dig BIG? My instinct is that it's just as hurtful and inconsiderate as telling someone she's too fat, but some of the posts here make me wonder. Is it an FA's duty to state his preference to anyone, if it's clearly a factor? Also, for the ladies, do you prefer a guy be straight with you if you've expressed an interest and there's no reciprocity? Do you need to know why?



You just have to be tactful about it. You're simply saying your opinion of the whole thing. And remember: They might back down if you reply without mentioning the trait, and that's even more polite in my eyes (Should you think stating your preference in that situation might seem unethical). As long as you don't yell like a banshee "NOOOOOOO!!!! UR 2 SKINNY! UR RIBS HURT MY I'Z!," or be overly disrespectful, you should be fine.

As for the question- I don't think so, but I think you should strive to tell the truth if someone asks about it at all, or most times. I think it might be easier for some if you do like Stan said, (The actions speaks, and then the words), but you shouldn't randomly throw it out there. There's really no point I think, unless the situation alludes to it in some way.


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## Ernest Nagel (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> Three words: I am gay.



Appreciate the thought but it would NEVER work. A) I don't think I could say it with a straight <NPI> face and B) I have, and I say this with the assurance of my many gay friends, NEVER, EVER lit up anyone's gaydar. 

Since I'm not hearing any strong votes for the truth and I really feel no desire to hurt anyone needlessly I think I'll just go with "I'm celibate." It's essentially accurate, at least.


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 9, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> I guess this could be a separate thread or maybe it's already been discussed elsewhere? Anyway, I'm going "off the grid" in a few days and won't be able to log on so I'll just drop this here. Does it make a difference what an FA says to a skinny chick that's hitting on him? As a matter of integrity am I bound to say "Sorry, you seem nice but your narrow ass just doesn't appeal to me."
> 
> As I'm making the required rounds of business holiday parties it's been a recurring issue lately. I'm no prize but I'm in that age group where apparently all the 40+ single women seem to perceive an easy target. I used to just wobble the old wedding band and smile apologetically when gals got too flirty. That defense being gone I try to fall back on "I don't date clients employees", which is true but as I've discovered twice lately is by no means foolproof. I realize there are several viable lies that leave no hurt feelings (seeing someone, spiritually celibate, etc.) but as a matter of principle I don't like to lie.
> 
> ...



Why would you feel under any obligation to state a preference? 

As an aside, speaking as a 40+ woman: If I were single, I'd be damn, damn, DAMN picky about who I dated. To the point, in fact, that I fear I'd be single for the rest of my life, as I doubt I'd find a suitable companion who could meet my standards.


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## AnnMarie (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> Is it really that bad? I just can't imagine family telling someone that their partner is too fat.




I wish that were reality, but it's not. 

My boyfriend's mother is so hostile towards fat people, fat women in particular, that they no longer speak (there are other reasons, but it's a biggie in the mix). 

I have trouble with the "coming out" thing only because it is NOT the same as being gay (I believe that is a much harder societal burden to carry based on biblical/right wing bullshit), but sadly the reactions of family can be be so severe and hateful that it might as well be the same.

I wish, for the great FAs out there, that it were a non-issue (and sometimes everyone is great and it's not) but the times that they are harassed by family and friends are far too great to ignore.


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## AnnMarie (Dec 9, 2007)

Ashley said:


> I just think it's counterproductive to completely discount the feelings and experiences of those who have struggled with the way their families react to a fat partner.



AGREE!!! 

It's an issue. The don't have to be in the closet for the reactions to be a struggle. Not everyone wants to/is able to just cut off from their family - sometimes you have to find a way to deal with the difference of opinions and I think that's a valuable discussion. 

I'm sorry, if you bring home someone who is pretty FAR outside the "norm", most families are going to blink... it's just human nature. Some will handle it with class and tact, others won't. But for the FA, dealing with his family is an issue, whether it's fairly mild ribbing or outright disgust towards their chosen partner.


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## Bafta1 (Dec 9, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I wish that were reality, but it's not.
> 
> My boyfriend's mother is so hostile towards fat people, fat women in particular, that they no longer speak (there are other reasons, but it's a biggie in the mix).
> 
> ...




You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.


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## Dravenhawk (Dec 9, 2007)

As an FA I have never been in the closet. It is interesting when people talk about skinny chicks hitting on them and pondering what to say. I say the obvious "You are too skinny for my taste." I usually get that dumbstruck look as if I had one too many tokes on the ol pipe. I reitterate by saying "If you were to put on 200 or 300 more lbs I would find you quite attractive", which usually dismisses any further advances from unwanted lightweights. 

As for the family thing. My entire family is dead save for a single brother who I have had such differences with has completly dropped off the radar over the past 20 years. I do remember when dad was alive the grief I would get over dating BBWs. I was dating this one gal who weighed in at 280 lbs petite by my standards of today. My dad was always trying to give my girlfriends diet advice as well as trying to diswade me from dating BBWs. We got in this huge fight about it when he became insistant about my dating thinner women. I told him to piss off. This resulted in my being cut off from his will


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> Fine.
> 
> I just think it's more difficult than saying that you just don't care. Sometimes it is a battle to get the people you care about, and who care about you, to understand your choice of life-partner. It isn't something that should be belittled. And it isn't a battle that should be ignored or avoided. Everyone involved has feelings and should be treated as such.
> 
> I'm sorry for offending anyone.



Yes. You might get teased, or worse yet, you might get challenged whether or not your partner at the time is the best you can do! Guess what? Family, no matter what, whether to your face or behind your back, will tease or question you, whether your partner is 60 lbs. or 600. 

When you say things like, "But it's not that easy, because my family won't like it!", you're essentially saying, "I am not in control of my own happiness." Your family is not obligated to cheer you on for all your choices, or even agree with you, or even tolerate it. Now, if they don't accept your girlfriend or boyfriend or BDSM slave for being fat, yes, they're being intolerant.

But guess what? You are 100% responsible for your own happiness, just as the members of your family are 100% responsible for their own happiness. Like the song goes, you've got to please yourself. That means when Mama goes, "Honey, you can do better than 400 lb. Mary Sue!", you should in turn reply, "I LIKE 400 lb. Mary Sue, Mom. That's who I want to be dating right now, and I know you'll support me in living a life I love."

And she might not, but at least you'll make her look like an ass if she says no. 

I don't envy your position. It's not easy having a preference viewed as odd. So you get up in the morning, and you make a decision: Do I want to live with integrity so I can pursue what means the most to me, or do I want to hold myself back because some people may not like me if I'm honest?


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## wrestlingguy (Dec 9, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Anybody who needs his hand held because he's got a particular sexual preference isn't mature enough to be dating. If he doesn't have the balls to be honest about himself with friends and family, he sure as hell isn't ready for the openness and honesty involved in a mature sexual relationship.



I guess my question here is are you referring ONLY to mature sexual relationships, or relationships in general? I think that if we're talking ONLY sexual relationships, who ever said that openness & honesty need be involved? After all, sex is just sex.

If we're talking a real man-woman relationship that includes not only sex & love, but dialogue, intimacy, sharing of goals, then of course openness & honesty need to be present.

I kid my wife all the time.............her ass got us together, but what she means to me KEEPS us together. Honestly, once I got by the "OMG......she's so HOT" stage and found out what made Carla who she is, the FA thing became really unimportant. I met Carla 120 lbs ago, and if she lost it all again, she'd still be my wife, and my love, and I'd STILL find her hot.


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## wrestlingguy (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> My point is these people who are too scared to admit they like fatties publicly have no idea what it's like to LIVE LIFE as a fatty. Way harder. If we can deal with it, they can buck up and be a man (or woman).



True, but there are people who also struggle with being fat who come here and get support. Should we give 'em tough love as well?

My issue with the closet FA is more on a level of not being kind to a guy who's been around the block in the BBW/FA community, and subscribes to the rule of "Good enough to F**k, but not good enough to take out anywhere", which would also include bringing them around your friends and family.

A lot of the guys here are relative noobies, and there's a big difference between being ignorant, and being just plain ol' STOOPID. It's the stupid ones that cause the damage, most of the other guys can learn.


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## wrestlingguy (Dec 9, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Yea. It's seen as so bad that you sometimes have to really be on your toes when it comes to your lover vs your friends/family that may oppose it.
> 
> My family and friends know, but I almost lost a few friends who challenged me on it.




Ding Ding Ding! They're not you're friends if they judge you negatively becuase you like fat women. My "buddies" who broke my balls back in the day are gone, and I'm happier for it. 

I have new friends, and don't miss the old ones.........Thank God my family never gave a shit who I showed up with, as long as I was happy.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

Tooz said:


> My point is these people who are too scared to admit they like fatties publicly have no idea what it's like to LIVE LIFE as a fatty. Way harder. If we can deal with it, they can buck up and be a man (or woman).



OK..I'm probably gonna have my ass kicked to the moon for this one...BUT...FA's have a preference for big people. Ok...this is not a choice. I do not necessarily want to like one thing more than another..it is just the way I work. Now, that being said...I am fat and there are several things I can do to not be fat. If being fat made me excruciatingly miserable I could lose weight-it is not easy, but it is possible. I agree that there are things about being fat that absolutely suck, but I could change that if I wanted to. Generally speaking, we have no way to change our sexual preferences. I have heard the argument before about closet FA's and how fat people can't hide their fat so FA's shouldn't hide their preferences, but it's really apples and oranges. (or apples and pears, if you please  )

I'm not saying that FA's SHOULD be closeted, and yes..if they adore bbw's they should be PROUD to be seen with a big beautiful woman..I just don't agree with the argument.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> I think, in an ideal world, the way you describe the situation would be wonderful.
> 
> I'm very close to my family, though. My sister is my best friend too. I know that they all want what is best for me. Sometimes what they want overshadows what I want for myself.* I know that presenting my preferences to them will be a major ordeal. And I'll only do it when I find someone I love*. Maybe it's easier for some than for others. I think you have to realise that different people have different relationships to the people around them. It would be wonderful to live in a bubble with the person you love, but the reality is that, when you love someone, you want to share them and show them off to your family and friends. Human relationships are a battle. It's not as easy as "no big deal".




When I first read that part....I agreed with you but after I thought about it....is that fair to someone you love? To hide your preference, to let your family think you prefer thin women...and then when the "one you love" gets to finally meet your family, she gets to not only go through the nervousness of trying to be accepted by your family, she gets to find out that they don't want you to date her simply because of her size? Your issues with your family are just that..... YOUR issues. It doesn't seem fair to a new person in your life to have to do more than any other woman would have to do to be accepted by your family. Doesn't seem fair to "spring her" on them either....


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## Tooz (Dec 9, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> When I first read that part....I agreed with you but after I thought about it....is that fair to someone you love? To hide your preference, to let your family think you prefer thin women...and then when the "one you love" gets to finally meet your family, she gets to not only go through the nervousness of trying to be accepted by your family, she gets to find out that they don't want you to date her simply because of her size? Your issues with your family are just that..... YOUR issues. It doesn't seem fair to a new person in your life to have to do more than any other woman would have to do to be accepted by your family. Doesn't seem fair to "spring her" on them either....



Alas, I cannot rep.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 9, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> When I brought home my first real love (and the man that I married), I knew that my racist family would have issues with him. My approach was, in retrospect, horrific. I did everything but outright scream, "Look, mom and dad! He's dark! I mean, he's REALLY REALLY dark!! And did I mention that he's VERY DARK?!?!" At that time, I thought that I was distancing myself from beliefs that they held, beliefs that I was ashamed of. Of course, my behavior put me in the very same category *with* them ... just the flip side to a razor-thin coin. Had I to do it over again, I would have mentioned his skin color and a bit of his background to them, prior to a meeting, in a very matter-of-fact way. And I would have told them that I loved him, and that he made me very happy (asking, in a round-about way, that they treat him respectfully). I would have then just left it at that.
> 
> This is just a bit of background, as it highlights where I'm coming from. I know that we all have our own unique experiences, and I wasn't discounting familial reaction to a BBW/SSBBW. I was just saying that, if she makes Bafta happy, and he loves her ... a practical approach is likely the best one. Just understanding that the family may have issues, but that they aren't *his* issues, and he doesn't have to make them his problem. In a perfect world, it would be wonderful if our friends and family accepted our every choice. But that doesn't always happen. It may be disappointing, but it doesn't have to be an over-arching obstacle.




Awesome post... thank you. It wouldn't let me rep you....


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> When I first read that part....I agreed with you but after I thought about it....is that fair to someone you love? To hide your preference, to let your family think you prefer thin women...and then when the "one you love" gets to finally meet your family, she gets to not only go through the nervousness of trying to be accepted by your family, she gets to find out that they don't want you to date her simply because of her size? Your issues with your family are just that..... YOUR issues. It doesn't seem fair to a new person in your life to have to do more than any other woman would have to do to be accepted by your family. Doesn't seem fair to "spring her" on them either....



Amen sistah!!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 9, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> I guess this could be a separate thread or maybe it's already been discussed elsewhere? Anyway, I'm going "off the grid" in a few days and won't be able to log on so I'll just drop this here. Does it make a difference what an FA says to a skinny chick that's hitting on him? As a matter of integrity am I bound to say "Sorry, you seem nice but your narrow ass just doesn't appeal to me."
> 
> As I'm making the required rounds of business holiday parties it's been a recurring issue lately. I'm no prize but I'm in that age group where apparently all the 40+ single women seem to perceive an easy target. I used to just wobble the old wedding band and smile apologetically when gals got too flirty. That defense being gone I try to fall back on "I don't date clients employees", which is true but as I've discovered twice lately is by no means foolproof. I realize there are several viable lies that leave no hurt feelings (seeing someone, spiritually celibate, etc.) but as a matter of principle I don't like to lie.
> 
> ...



Personally, it seems like a bad idea, to me, to get into the realm of "I don't want to date you because of how you look". Telling a woman you aren't interested because her ass is too small is just as bad as saying you don't want her because her ass is too fat. Just don't do it.........:doh:
A simple "no thank you" or one of the aforementioned polite excuses seems okay to me......I don't think you are obligated to scream your love of fat women to everyone. It seems more important to spare the feelings of the one you are about to "reject" because people are people no matter what size.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> Three words: I am gay.





HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHhA OMFG I MIGHT HAVE TO STALK YOU NOW!!!   :wubu:


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## mediaboy (Dec 9, 2007)

I was working at Condom Revolution at the time and happened to make a comment along the lines of "I would eat Krystal Clear's butt like a peach." while we were putting out some Black Ice videos to which my coworkers laughed believing I was joking. I then went on in greater detail about how I thought she was sexy and had a "cute belly". 
They were, to say the least shocked and slightly disgusted. What followed was about fifteen minutes of them making fun at my expense to which I responded, "I'm not going to let a flaming queen bottom homosexual pool boy and a girl that likes to get choked during sex to the point that she passes out make fun of me for liking fat chicks." 
Ever since then I really haven't gotten any crap for it.

The most recent event in which I publicly stated I was an FA was at my new job. A coworker asked me out on a date and I flat out told her I wasn't interested and when she asked why I told her she was too skinny. Within an hour word had spread to the entire store that I was an FA.

Some times people will ask me why I like fat chicks, my standard reply is: "God made me this way, let him change me."


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 9, 2007)

sweet&fat said:


> Why would it be wrong for anyone, regardless of who they are, to be polite when rejecting an unwanted advance? I've used the boyfriend card countless times, as it makes the decision less personal. * Honesty is self-serving when it needlessly hurts others*.



I am "out of rep" right now ( I hit my "quota" for the day :doh:  ) but I owe you big time for this 
Awesome post Lady


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

mediaboy said:


> I was working at Condom Revolution at the time and happened to make a comment along the lines of "I would eat Krystal Clear's butt like a peach." while we were putting out some Black Ice videos to which my coworkers laughed believing I was joking. I then went on in greater detail about how I thought she was sexy and had a "cute belly".
> They were, to say the least shocked and slightly disgusted. What followed was about fifteen minutes of them making fun at my expense to which I responded, "I'm not going to let a flaming queen bottom homosexual pool boy and a girl that likes to get choked during sex to the point that she passes out make fun of me for liking fat chicks."
> Ever since then I really haven't gotten any crap for it.
> 
> ...



Wow..you come right out with it, heh? :huh:


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## GWARrior (Dec 9, 2007)

wow. some of these posts make it seem like being attracted to fat people is like a disease that you have to come to terms with.


Well, I guess I need to go tell my parents that I like guys with long hair. I hope they take it ok.


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## Jon Blaze (Dec 9, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Yes. You might get teased, or worse yet, you might get challenged whether or not your partner at the time is the best you can do! Guess what? Family, no matter what, whether to your face or behind your back, will tease or question you, whether your partner is 60 lbs. or 600.
> 
> When you say things like, "But it's not that easy, because my family won't like it!", you're essentially saying, "I am not in control of my own happiness." Your family is not obligated to cheer you on for all your choices, or even agree with you, or even tolerate it. Now, if they don't accept your girlfriend or boyfriend or BDSM slave for being fat, yes, they're being intolerant.
> 
> ...



GOOD!

I think you can really break things by simply saying "I like her the way she is." :bow:


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## elle camino (Dec 9, 2007)

GWARrior said:


> Well, I guess I need to go tell my parents that I like guys with long hair. I hope they take it ok.


hahahaha <3.
exactly.


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## goofy girl (Dec 9, 2007)

GWARrior said:


> wow. some of these posts make it seem like being attracted to fat people is like a disease that you have to come to terms with.
> 
> 
> Well, I guess I need to go tell my parents that I like guys with long hair. I hope they take it ok.



Make sure you give them a stiff drink first! may the force be with you :bow:


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## GWARrior (Dec 9, 2007)

goofy girl said:


> Make sure you give them a stiff drink first! may the force be with you :bow:



good idea! the last guy i dated had long hair, but they thought i was going through a phase and would grow out of it. man, are they in for a surprise!


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## Ash (Dec 9, 2007)

It's just not fair to trivialize these concerns, in my opinion. And I don't think this is even comparable to something like the length of a guy's hair. Even jokingly.

The concern here is that the FA is bringing home and asking for the acceptance of someone who is far outside of his family's sphere of acceptance. It's possibly comparable to bringing a black boyfriend home to a family of racists or bringing a Muslim boyfriend home to a family of right-wing fundamentalist Christians. (I'm overgeneralizing here, but it's merely to make a point.) 

The reality is that some people HATE fatness. They're afraid of it, and they reject it and they behave maliciously towards fat people. That's the ugly truth here. 

So, should it be as easy as explaining to your family that you only like guys with brown hair and blue eyes? Yes, it should. But is it? No. Because there's no such thing as "The Blue Eyes Epidemic" or "The War Against Brown Hair". 

The reality is that fatness is still stigmatized. A lot of people think that fat people are outside of the realm of acceptability. And with the media and the medical community and the damn government determined to eradicate obesity (and, as it follows, fat people themselves), those beliefs are supported. 

So, yes, a good and supportive family will say "Okay, if that's who you like, then we're behind you. We love you and we love your partner." But some families are going to have to adjust to this, and it may take them a while to get to acceptance. Some families will NEVER accept it. 

Because of all of this, I think it's really unfair and selfish to trivialize an FA's worries that his family won't accept his partner. And I think it's because the worry isn't that, if his family doesn't accept his partner, he'll have to break up with her and only date thin girls. I think the fear is that he'll have to break ties with his family. And that's a very scary and sad thought. But it's a possibility.


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## GWARrior (Dec 9, 2007)

Ashley said:


> It's just not fair to trivialize these concerns, in my opinion. And I don't think this is even comparable to something like the length of a guy's hair. Even jokingly.
> 
> The concern here is that the FA is bringing home and asking for the acceptance of someone who is far outside of his family's sphere of acceptance. It's possibly comparable to bringing a black boyfriend home to a family of racists or bringing a Muslim boyfriend home to a family of right-wing fundamentalist Christians. (I'm overgeneralizing here, but it's merely to make a point.)
> 
> ...



So having long hair isnt the same as being fat. BUT some people absolutely hate guys with long hair. Ive witnessed it. Some people thought my ex was 1)High school drop-out 2)druggie 3)convicted felon all because of his appearance. But he wasnt any of those. Did that other people's opinions of his appearance have any affect on our relationship? Nope. 

My point is this: Not everyone you know is gonna be supportive of your choices in life, even ones as trivial as the appearance of your significant other. You just cant please everyone, family included. So instead of hiding your preferences for fear of being ostracized, embrace them, live your own fucking life and stop crying in the corner. Pretending you are something you truely arent will only hurt you and the people you become involved with.

eta: and if you cant stop thinking about how important other people's opinions are when it comes to who YOU date, then you arent mature enough to be in a relationship, and bringing someone else into that is just asking for trouble.


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## Dravenhawk (Dec 9, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> When I first read that part....I agreed with you but after I thought about it....is that fair to someone you love? To hide your preference, to let your family think you prefer thin women...and then when the "one you love" gets to finally meet your family, she gets to not only go through the nervousness of trying to be accepted by your family, she gets to find out that they don't want you to date her simply because of her size? Your issues with your family are just that..... YOUR issues. It doesn't seem fair to a new person in your life to have to do more than any other woman would have to do to be accepted by your family. Doesn't seem fair to "spring her" on them either....




I have been there more times than I care to count. I quit trying for the acceptance I would never recieve from my family and putting the women I was dating through the whole critical ordeal. I stand by my FA-ness My family is dead I owe them no explanations nor do they owe me anything either. It was sad it had to come to this but it is, the way it is, because it is I guess.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 9, 2007)

I have to say that if I have a problem "bringing someone home to my family" then I don't date them........it's not fair to them at all. Why spend time with someone, garner their affections.....and then treat them as someone I am ashamed of? That is wrong on so many levels.........and, once again, that would fall under the category of "MY PROBLEM"- not the person whom I claim to have feelings for. Relationships involve two people- and you don't have a right to hurt others with your bullshit.


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## AnnMarie (Dec 9, 2007)

Ashley said:


> Because of all of this, I think it's really unfair and selfish to trivialize an FA's worries that his family won't accept his partner. And I think it's because the worry isn't that, if his family doesn't accept his partner, he'll have to break up with her and only date thin girls. I think the fear is that he'll have to break ties with his family. And that's a very scary and sad thought. But it's a possibility.



Bingo. 

I'd love to live in a world where everything is so black and white. Where is that place?

When it comes to making a choice between a love and your family there are many shades of grey that are going to have to be trudged through when you're getting hatred and vitriol spewed back at you whenever they get a chance. This DOES happen. 

They should accept, they should support, the should want the best for you. Should. We're viewed more often than not as lazy, unkempt, will-powerless people who are out of control, or (if you listen to Oprah) all victims of some childhood trauma/abuse. It's hard to figure out that you've been brainwashed by media and government and that maybe, just MAYBE, the son you raised found a wonderful, smart, vibrant, loving, caring woman - who just happens to be in a fat body that he also desires. 

It's a lot to handle for them, and let's face it - some people don't rise to the occasion when we need them to the most. People let us down, it's part of what we learn in life. So you tell them, you give them the chance to rise, to be supportive and happy and participatory. If they don't... you have a bag of worms to deal with - because they ARE your family, and chances are you're not ready to walk away from that. You're going to struggle to find a middle ground, a safe place for you, for your partner, for the relationship to not be damaged by that input. 

It's not always easy.


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## k1009 (Dec 9, 2007)

Wow, some of these replies are wtfing me pretty bad. Shoot me if I'm being a total ass, but if your family are going to go into all sorts of hysterics about fat beyond the usual "oh, she's unhealthy, she'll die, etc, etc, etc" maybe there are more problems than just their fat phobia? I know that if my brother brought home a supersized girl my kind of fat mother would be pretty pissed off but she'd get over it pretty quickly, even in spite of her prejudices (when we're out together she likes to point at any fat people she can find and say "look sweetie, you'll end up like that if you're not careful"). It's like there's a lot of unecessary drama here or some crazy families.


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## AnnMarie (Dec 9, 2007)

k1009 said:


> It's like there's a lot of unecessary drama here or some crazy families.



The latter. I wouldn't have said anything (and wasn't being even slightly dramatic) I did if I hadn't lived it with friends and boyfriends. It's just about the fact that this is very much a concern for some people, and I think if you can't fathom the "issue" then you should count yourself very, very lucky. 

It sucks to have your own family try to present roadblocks to your happiness, and I count myself very fortunate that my family has never done anything like this to me.


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## Ash (Dec 9, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> The latter. I wouldn't have said anything (and wasn't being even slightly dramatic) I did if I hadn't lived it with friends and boyfriends. It's just about the fact that this is very much a concern for some people, and I think if you can't fathom the "issue" then you should count yourself very, very lucky.
> 
> It sucks to have your own family try to present roadblocks to your happiness, and I count myself very fortunate that my family has never done anything like this to me.



Yes, what she said. 

It sounds crazy and melodramatic, but it's not an exaggeration. Some families are really like that.


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## k1009 (Dec 9, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> The latter. I wouldn't have said anything (and wasn't being even slightly dramatic) I did if I hadn't lived it with friends and boyfriends. It's just about the fact that this is very much a concern for some people, and I think if you can't fathom the "issue" then you should count yourself very, very lucky.
> 
> It sucks to have your own family try to present roadblocks to your happiness, and I count myself very fortunate that my family has never done anything like this to me.



Yeah I was thinking that I was being presumptuous when my own background is generally a pretty loving and accepting one but a lot of the stuff in this thread might not be so applicable if the family weren't a bit nutty to begin with. If it wasn't fat they'd find some other attribute to reject.


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## Surlysomething (Dec 9, 2007)

mediaboy said:


> What followed was about fifteen minutes of them making fun at my expense to which I responded, "I'm not going to let a flaming queen bottom homosexual pool boy and a girl that likes to get choked during sex to the point that she passes out make fun of me for liking fat chicks."
> Ever since then I really haven't gotten any crap for it.



You fucking rock.


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## NancyGirl74 (Dec 9, 2007)

Some families would never intend to hold someone back from what makes them happy. However, knowing the family members opinions might make someone hesitate to bring the very thing they disapprove of into that situation. On the flip-side, if you come to care about someone are you going to want to place them in a situation where they have to face such disapproval. It's a catch 22 for many people, facing a disapproving family and/or hurting a love interest. It might seem easier to just avoid the whole thing and keep the preference on the down low. I am not saying I approve of this choice but I can understand why it might happen.


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## Caligula (Dec 9, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> But we're talking about size acceptance. You shouldn't have to say "in spite of..."



I was refering more to the fact that a womans size doesnt determine if I date them or not. But I understand what you mean.


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## Caligula (Dec 10, 2007)

Ashley said:


> But, if we're talking about an FA, here, doesn't the label imply that he's not neutral to fat? It implies that he admires it. And so he shouldn't have to say "it doesn't matter to me," because that isn't true.



Well since you are refrencing my post, it honestly doesn't matter to me what a womans size is and I have dated skinny dance types and plump to fat types. It really hoenest to god isn't that important, because I admire both thin, plump and fat women.


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## Half Full (Dec 10, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> I think, in an ideal world, the way you describe the situation would be wonderful.
> 
> I'm very close to my family, though. My sister is my best friend too. I know that they all want what is best for me. Sometimes what they want overshadows what I want for myself. I know that presenting my preferences to them will be a major ordeal. And I'll only do it when I find someone I love. Maybe it's easier for some than for others. I think you have to realise that different people have different relationships to the people around them. It would be wonderful to live in a bubble with the person you love, but the reality is that, when you love someone, you want to share them and show them off to your family and friends. Human relationships are a battle. It's not as easy as "no big deal".



A few points here:

Why wouldn't a bbw/ssbbw be "what is best for you?" As long as she is good to you and treats you well, why should her size be any sort of issue? Is fat truly that horrible that it will cause your friends and family to question your sanity and worry for your future? I really can't imagine so.

Also, most adults don't discuss their sexual proclivities and attractions with their friends and or family except in rare circumstances.Is it purely because there is a visual component and FA feels he must explain? 

I personally don't get the whole coming out issue either.


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## out.of.habit (Dec 10, 2007)

Half Full said:


> A few points here:
> 
> *Why wouldn't a bbw/ssbbw be "what is best for you?" *As long as she is good to you and treats you well, why should her size be any sort of issue? Is fat truly that horrible that it will cause your friends and family to question your sanity and worry for your future? I really can't imagine so.
> 
> ...



I just want to point out that I'm fairly certain Bafta wasn't saying that he thought that a fat woman wasn't "what was best for you." I definitely took that as his saying his family would want to encourage him to embrace _their perceptions_ of what is best, not that he feels his preference is somehow faulty.


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## fatgirlflyin (Dec 10, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> Hmmm. If it were that easy...



Why isn't it that easy?
I really wish I could understand the whole FA/Closet thing... :doh:


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## fatgirlflyin (Dec 10, 2007)

Ernest Nagel said:


> I guess this could be a separate thread or maybe it's already been discussed elsewhere? Anyway, I'm going "off the grid" in a few days and won't be able to log on so I'll just drop this here. Does it make a difference what an FA says to a skinny chick that's hitting on him? As a matter of integrity am I bound to say "Sorry, you seem nice but your narrow ass just doesn't appeal to me."



Would you find it acceptable for a man to tell a fat woman that she was too fat for his tastes? All you need to do is say no thank you, a reason really isn't necessary.


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## Chimpi (Dec 10, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> Having an attraction to larger men or women isn't something that one should feel the need to "overcome" or "come to terms with". *It's just ... a preference.* It wouldn't even occur to me to have this kind of discussion with my family, anymore than I'd casually mention that I prefer men with olive skin and dark eyes. It may come out in passing, if it comes out at all.



Re-quoted for excellence.
Luckily, I have a wonderful mother. And a pretty good brother, as well. I did 'sort of' formally come out and tell my mother about my preference, but I was less worried, stressed, and hurt by my preference and more worried stressed, and hurt by a pain that it personally causes me. I remember back when I told her. It was after I was talking to this girl (Vanessa) online, and we were planning to meet and see a movie together. It was 4 years ago. She - Vanessa - was driving up to my town (she lived approximately a half an hour away), and was to meet me at my house (pick me up, basically).
But, I had other aspects of her on my mind. I needed advice. I stopped my mom in the kitchen that day (she was grabbing herself a nice, refreshing Coca Cola), and asked to have a minute of her time. I told her of my "preference", and that there was a girl coming up to meet me just then, and we were going to go see a movie. I told her that I liked fat women, but that I did not really like this particular fat woman (that I was meeting that day). I was just meeting her because it was the start of a new life (one where I actually dated women). But I did not like other aspects of her (her views, her attitude), and I did not know what to do - go out with her, or call her up and cancel. Well, my mom gave me the advice I wanted to hear, and she sat me down on the stairs leading to the upstairs. She questioned a few things about my preference (she's a psychologist, she just wanted to understand her son a little bit), asked me if I was all right with it (my response then was "No"), and wanted to know why.
I still struggle with one aspect of why I did not accept my preference back then.
But, she's perfectly fine with it. She's very black and white about it (and many, many other things). As am I. Again, it was less of a "coming out" and more of a "I need help understand myself and this preference". So I'm glad for that, and for my mother.
My brother is also not a big deal. He married a chubby woman, and has no preference for size. He likes all sizes.



Ernest Nagel said:


> So what say you? Is it necessary, appropriate or situation specific that I reject overtures from the less well padded with the simple truth, I dig BIG? My instinct is that it's just as hurtful and inconsiderate as telling someone she's too fat, but some of the posts here make me wonder. Is it an FA's duty to state his preference to anyone, if it's clearly a factor? Also, for the ladies, do you prefer a guy be straight with you if you've expressed an interest and there's no reciprocity? Do you need to know why?



Four words: "I am not interested." It's very generic, and it works wonders. I have had much luck with that. If you come into a situation where she (the one you are not interested in) wants to know why you are not interested, then that is the time to be honest. Think of however you want to put it. I would say something to the effect of "Because I am not attracted to you" and be done with it. No shame in saving yourself. Right?

As far as Bafta goes, he knows his family best. If you think there's going to be harm to be made when they find out about your preference, then you figure out a way to deal with it and bring it about. If you truly just want to put it off until you find 'the one you love', then so be it. But I would also stress what has been stated about the woman not needing to bare your burden. If it's truly the woman you're going to fall in love with and marry, then your life is her life (and vice versa), but she might not want to have to deal with that from the very beginning. Maybe you should think about being very open with this subject to your future girlfriends before you are open with it to your parents. Get her (the girlfriend) input, and see what advice she has for you when it comes to her (since she will be the "fat one" in question to your parents).

Otherwise, I'll leave a notch on the table for it not being a big deal. It wasn't for me, I'm able to see and understand why it might be a problem, and am glad that I have the fortunate mother/brother that I have. If it were to come down to tying off family ties, I would do it if it had to be done; I have experience. But everyones life and family are different. 

---------------------------------------


Tooz said:


> Alas, I cannot rep.



I did for you.


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## Fascinita (Dec 10, 2007)

I'm going to throw in my two pennies, because I don't think it's been said yet.

If you never say one fat-positive thing in the company of your friends and family; if they have no idea that you find some fat people attractive and that you dissent from the mainstream POV; if you never let your fat-phobic family see the FA side of you at all before you bring home a fat partner, then I think, yeah, you would be worried about "coming out" to your family by bringing home the GF for the first time. But I would think that you could "soften the landing" by making it clear which side you're on when the issue of fat comes up. I'm talking about when you're watching TV and your sister starts railing against the "fat hippo" on "Biggest Loser," you say something like "I don't know, I think she's kinda sexy." Eventually your friends and family would be able to see that you're of a different bent. By the time you brought your fat GF home to meet them, it might feel like less of a shocker for all involved. I mean, if you've never let on that you like fat, bringing the girl home under those circumstances might be cruel and ill-advised.

It's not like I don't realize how difficult it can be to take the side of fat. I'm a fatty and an angry one at that. Even so, there are times when it's easier to let the fat-phobic comments go unchallenged than to try to debunk them. It's a lot of work, but it's up to us to do it. No one is handing it to us on a silver platter, that's for sure. So stand up for fat! Damnit!


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## stan_der_man (Dec 10, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> Why isn't it that easy?
> I really wish I could understand the whole FA/Closet thing... :doh:



Basically it comes down to this... at some point a FA has to make a stand, messy or smooth as it may go. A FA has to stand up to family and friends and make his preference clear. Either that or they leave their preference and desires in the closet and pay a price in other ways.

In the long run it's easier to "out" yourself than it is attempting to hide being a FA.


fa_man_stan


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## Littleghost (Dec 10, 2007)

GWARrior said:


> But youre not getting others to defy societal rules. You can do what you like and they can do what they like. No big deal.


Yeah, that part confused me. At first I imagined a mad FA scientist. Then it was FA Guevara.


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## Littleghost (Dec 10, 2007)

Bafta1 said:


> Hmmm. If it were that easy...



It's far easier than you think. Simply work up the 'courage' to confide it to the biggest gossip you know; then it's out of your hands. I'm completely serious.


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## fatgirlflyin (Dec 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> Basically it comes down to this... at some point a FA has to make a stand, messy or smooth as it may go. A FA has to stand up to family and friends and make his preference clear. Either that or they leave their preference and desires in the closet and pay a price in other ways.
> 
> In the long run it's easier to "out" yourself than it is attempting to hide being a FA.
> 
> ...



But why does someone have to make a stand? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm really not. I just can't wrap my head around that whole way of thinking. I'm white, none of my boyfriends have ever been white. Not one time did I ever feel the need to explain to any of my family or friends why I never chose to date a white man. Never did I feel the need to "warn" my parents that I was bringing a man of color home to meet them. Would I care if my family made a choice not to like someone purely based on the color of their skin? You betcha! I'd be pissed that they would feel the need to put their opinions and maybe their own comfort above my happiness. If I'm with someone who treats me right and makes me happy what they look like shouldn't matter. 

I would cut off family and friends if they decided to not accept someone that I happened to love enough to bring them around because of their physical appearance, but that's just me. Because that's how I feel and how I believe that I would react, I can say that I wouldn't be with someone who worried about whether or not his family and friends would accept me purely because I am fat. There are other reasons they can hate me for, I can be loud, opinionated, and I say stuff sometimes without thinking about it first. To hate me just because I'm fat? That's so 1st grade.


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## gangstadawg (Dec 10, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Yea. It's seen as so bad that you sometimes have to really be on your toes when it comes to your lover vs your friends/family that may oppose it.
> 
> My family and friends know, but I almost lost a few friends who challenged me on it.
> 
> ...



i have only lost one friend from my preferance. the ass hat said that when you go out with a fat girl you piss every body around you off, why dont you go get a thin chick and make everybody happy. i replied with so im supposed to sacrifice my happiness to make everybody else including people that i dont know happy. he said yes your being selfish. so lets just say we aint friends but i wish i could get rid of my grandma and my uncle because of it. they are both ass holes riding me about my prefereance and uncle is the last person that can talk shit considering he is gay.


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## bmann0413 (Dec 10, 2007)

Jon Blaze said:


> Yea. It's seen as so bad that you sometimes have to really be on your toes when it comes to your lover vs your friends/family that may oppose it.
> 
> My family and friends know, but I almost lost a few friends who challenged me on it.
> 
> ...



I told everyone I know... sometimes a couple of my friends make fun at me about it. In fact, three of my friends (who are girls, BTW) asked me to explain what I meant. They totally understood, but in their faces, I could see that they were wondering what I thought about them... I didn't wanna say anything because I didn't want them to hurt me if I said the wrong thing... (even though they understood, they were still self-conscious about their weight) :doh:

My family was very accepting though. I was surprised...


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## k1009 (Dec 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> Basically it comes down to this... at some point a FA has to make a stand, messy or smooth as it may go. A FA has to stand up to family and friends and make his preference clear. Either that or they leave their preference and desires in the closet and pay a price in other ways.
> 
> In the long run it's easier to "out" yourself than it is attempting to hide being a FA.
> 
> ...



I find that very confusing. Do you really feel that way about liking fat chicks? That you have to shout "I'm here, I've got cake, bring on the fatties" to all and sundry? My fat privilege is probably clouding my view here but honestly I'm very .


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## Les Toil (Dec 10, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Oh BOY.
> 
> Okay. I have said this before, I'll say it again-- closet FAs, you can bite my ass. .



This statement says it all in a nutshell. I have little empathy, sympathy or anything else for the "closet FA". Do you think these gorgeous women have leprosy?? Your friends and family have allowed society to convince them that fat in the worst eye-soar known to mankind, and in turn, you've allowed your brain-washed "loved ones" to make you cower in a closet and keep you away from that which makes you happy.

Grow a pair of balls fellows--or become African-American where loving a woman with extra curves is a part of our culture.


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## J34 (Dec 10, 2007)

If people ask me my preference I tell them i dig the extra curves:eat2:. My family knows that I prefer larger ladies, of course you always have people that will find your preference not normal. How I live my life I dont care for the perception of public opinion. I dont need mass media and television telling me what I should like.

The only problem is finding these beautiful women. I know they are everywhere but at least some my age around 19-21


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## stan_der_man (Dec 10, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> fa_man_stan said:
> 
> 
> > Basically it comes down to this... at some point a FA has to make a stand, messy or smooth as it may go.
> ...



I think for all practical purposes, we talking about the same thing Ella. "Making a stand" sounds more heroic than it really is most of the time. Simply dating someone (fat or of a different race, whatever the preference may be...) in the face of resistance from one's family can be "making a stand". You are right, a person doesn't have to justify their preference to their family or friends, and maybe this alone will be good enough to stop adverse reactions whatever they may be.

I think you will agree with this Ella... I also believe that being overly defensive (girding for battles that don't need to be fought) can make an unconfortable (maybe even confrontational) situation worse than it needs to be. Letting time pass and making people see that you are going to be with who you choose, no matter what may work... no "stand" has to be made. But if family or friends are outright confrontational what else can you do? You can tell them to f*ck off and leave, but what does that accomplish? It might just pospone a battle (stand) that has to be fought sooner or later.


fa_man_stan


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## gangstadawg (Dec 10, 2007)

Les Toil said:


> This statement says it all in a nutshell. I have little empathy, sympathy or anything else for the "closet FA". Do you think these gorgeous women have leprosy?? Your friends and family have allowed society to convince them that fat in the worst eye-soar known to mankind, and in turn, you've allowed your brain-washed "loved ones" to make you cower in a closet and keep you away from that which makes you happy.
> 
> Grow a pair of balls fellows--or become African-American where loving a woman with extra curves is a part of our culture.


that part about loving curves in our culture isnt 100% true well it depends on individual persons and areas. all my friends are black like me only one of em prefers there women at least thicker than usuall. the rest like skinny women and try to hook me up with them knowing full well im not attracted to them and this is kinda wierd (imo) in detroit.


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## Renaissance Woman (Dec 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> I completely agree with you in principle on this RenWoman, I've posted many a diatribe on this subject myself. But it could also be argued that we have had too many threads on the beautiful experience of a fat person "discovering their beauty" and "accepting themselves". These people could also be directed to search the forums and find like threads, there are plenty of them.


I actually did/do that before starting new threads. Apparently I'm in the minority on this.



> Would you also say that a fat woman who doesn't accept herself is also not mature enough to date?


A fat woman who is so hung up on what other people think that she's afraid of being with someone she's attracted to isn't mature enough to date. I don't put self-acceptance in the same category as being so desperate for societal approval that one is prevented from action.



wrestlingguy said:


> I guess my question here is are you referring ONLY to mature sexual relationships, or relationships in general?


I meant an adult relationship with the opposite (or same) sex. It doesn't necessarily have to be a sexually active one. I can see how it would be ambiguous, but I don't have a better term.


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## Ample Pie (Dec 10, 2007)

Caligula said:


> Why must I "come out"....I don't make a big thing of it, but if say I was dating a very fat women I wouldn't go around saying "Hello everyone, my name is Joe, oh and btw I am sexually attracted to fat women". I would say "Hey, im joe and this is my girlfriend sally." If someone asked me about her size I would just say I love her for who she is and that that isn't important to me. I dont have to "come out" for shit and I can be a "closet" fa all I want. If I date a fat girl than so be it, but Im not going to make abig thing about my prefrences.Right now my gf is just plump tho and I love her just like that.



I was going to say something, but Ashley covered it well. Essentially, saying size isn't important to you is no way to be an honest FA or to show respect for "Sally."




Ashley said:


> But, if we're talking about an FA, here, doesn't the label imply that he's not neutral to fat? It implies that he admires it. And so he shouldn't have to say "it doesn't matter to me," because that isn't true.



Right.



goofy girl said:


> OK..I'm probably gonna have my ass kicked to the moon for this one...BUT...FA's have a preference for big people. Ok...this is not a choice. I do not necessarily want to like one thing more than another..it is just the way I work. Now, that being said...I am fat and there are several things I can do to not be fat. If being fat made me excruciatingly miserable I could lose weight-it is not easy, but it is possible. I agree that there are things about being fat that absolutely suck, but I could change that if I wanted to. Generally speaking, we have no way to change our sexual preferences. I have heard the argument before about closet FA's and how fat people can't hide their fat so FA's shouldn't hide their preferences, but it's really apples and oranges. (or apples and pears, if you please  )
> 
> I'm not saying that FA's SHOULD be closeted, and yes..if they adore bbw's they should be PROUD to be seen with a big beautiful woman..I just don't agree with the argument.



If you want to take it to that level, you have to consider it to the full extent. What I mean is, for example, are non-whites only okay and deserving of equality because they CAN'T change their race? Or is it because they're freaking human. How about gays? How about any minority. I don't think so. Doesn't matter if you CAN change it or not, common courtesy and decency still applies.



GWARrior said:


> So having long hair isnt the same as being fat. BUT some people absolutely hate guys with long hair. Ive witnessed it. Some people thought my ex was 1)High school drop-out 2)druggie 3)convicted felon all because of his appearance. But he wasnt any of those. Did that other people's opinions of his appearance have any affect on our relationship? Nope.
> 
> My point is this: Not everyone you know is gonna be supportive of your choices in life, even ones as trivial as the appearance of your significant other. You just cant please everyone, family included. So instead of hiding your preferences for fear of being ostracized, embrace them, live your own fucking life and stop crying in the corner. Pretending you are something you truely arent will only hurt you and the people you become involved with.
> 
> eta: and if you cant stop thinking about how important other people's opinions are when it comes to who YOU date, then you arent mature enough to be in a relationship, and bringing someone else into that is just asking for trouble.



This is a pathetic example. Having long hair doesn't have the stigma being fat does, etc etc. However, it kind of used to. My dad had long hair. When my mom brought him home, my grandfather chased him down the street with a shotgun. My grandfather was genuinely opposed to 'long haired hippies' in a way that some people are against fat people. Later, my dad did mention wishing that she'd have warned him about her parents and at least prepared her parents for him.

Was his hair a disease or big deal? Probably shouldn't have been, but to my grandfather it was. That doesn't at all reflect negatively on my dad, only on my grandfather who had the narrow-minded views. I feel it's the same with F/FAs and people of size. No, you don't need to go hollering it from the roof tops. But when it comes time for me to meet your parents or friends, have enough respect for me to have my back and to be willing to stand up for what we have--love, friendship, kinship, etc.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Dec 10, 2007)

As an FFA I can understand the OP's fears about the situation, but I have to agree with Rebecca 100% that this is all about respect for your partner, and also respect for yourself. I am not trying to belittle the pain of difficult reactions from family and friends, but:

A) if they really care about your happiness, they will at least learn to come to terms with things

B) if they don't care about your happiness and would rather you settle for someone else to make THEM happy, they're going to find something else in your life to try and control (sorry, it's blunt, but in my experience true)

C) if you think that you should listen to them rather than your own heart, you must think you're wrong too and in that case you should not be dating a BBW or BHM until you can see that your feelings are your feelings and there's no need to apologize for them

Because, IMHO, the BBW or BHM of an F/FA's dreams has the right to walk into a room of the F/FA's family and/or friends and have every person in the room know that he or she is the F/FA's dream girl or guy and nothing is being over looked and nothing is being compromised. Sure, people may not agree or accept it, but at the very least, the person you love deserves to have it acknowledged. 

Sorry if this is rambling, but this topic makes me feisty because I recently ended a long standing friendship over a similar topic. And I am NOT in any way trying to insult anyone's family by any of the above comments.


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## liz (di-va) (Dec 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> Basically it comes down to this... at some point a FA has to make a stand, messy or smooth as it may go.



I think that's part of the issue here, why these discussions start and how they're complicated. "Coming out" _is_ complicated...but it isn't. There's no right time, right place to introduce your new fat gf in a fatphobic family. If they hate fat people (and some people really do...it's not too strong a word), then...at some point it's always just a decision you'll be making. "Coming out," I mean, if you're "in." 

(It's not that dissimilar from life as a fat person...you are constantly having to make the decision to be on your own side, no matter what, in the face of whatever new problem you're up against, usually in the face of great opposition.)

I think too that tying coming out as an FA to true love can make it that much more problematic, although not in a way I can figure out how to overcome in a conversation with your basic skittish parent . In the end it really is a physical preference, but who wants to talk about sex with your parents (don't answer that). 

Freighting coming out with when-I-find-my-one-true-love-I'll-tell-them feels--from my age, gender, and POV--like another way to put it off, idealize it to the point of paralysis. How do you expect to woo, date, escort, love, shop for, talk about, have a real relationship with a real fat girl--find *out* if you love her--with fights, making up, fun, joy, talking, buying the right size bed, whatever, if you're unable to talk about some of it with people you're close to? If the woman has any kind of self-esteem you won't be able to have the relationship in a vacuum.

I'm pretty well split on these threads. In a public way, in a issue-based way, in a safe-place-to-talk-about-it way, I'm all for encouraging. Come out come out. What's the point to do otherwise than to encourage to come out? On the other hand...come OUT. Nobody's going to do it for you. You will not suddenly be given a rationale for your preference that the world will like. You've got to put your money where you mouth is. If there's no shame in loving a fat woman....then, love one.


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## liz (di-va) (Dec 10, 2007)

PS

To raise this topic is also to always raise the possibility that somebody *won't* come out of the closet. It's possible. You see it--around here, too. And that is a really upsetting idea. It means that somebody's flirting with a lifetime of very sad and bad stuff. People who hide their preferences cause a world of hurt for themselves, and a world of hurt for *us* (fat girls). I think this is part of the reason for the strong reactions. How can that be one of the options on the plate, that kinda misery? Would be the idea.


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## James (Dec 10, 2007)

I think its a little harsh to link 'outness' as an FA to the level of 'family acceptance'. Thats like saying, your parents dont accept you as an FA so we wont either..! How does that make sense?

No-one can choose their parents or control how their parents feel about fatness. I've spent years trying to make headway 'educating' mine... 'progress' has been very slow. I think that some parents can have a very fixed idea in their heads about their offspring and what their aspirations are for them. When their kids make decisions that they dont understand... or consider 'wrong' then their 'plan' for their kids is threatened..? I dunno... Its out of a misplaced notion of love I think???

Anyway, however crap they are when it comes to fat acceptance, my parents are still my parents and I owe them a lot for all they've given me in life. It doesnt help that they are negative about my aesthetic preference... but, in turn, I dont have to be bound by their expectations or negativity.


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## Scrumptious_voluptuous (Dec 10, 2007)

You cant choose your family, but you can choose your friends. And if any of mine had a problem with my choice of partner just because of the way they looked...well, we wouldnt be friends for very long.

So yes, if you feel like you can't 'come out' to your pals, the perhaps you should reconsider who you call a friend.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 10, 2007)

I've told friends about this. Some tease me, but no more than they'd tease me for anything else. Other times the conversation is more along the lines of:

Me: So I dunno, for some reason I just like bigger guys.
Friend: Huh. Personally, I don't like fat guys, I like skinny guys.
Me: Cool.
Friend: Yeah.
Me: Let's order a drink.
Friend: So did I tell you about this cool play I saw last week?

A week or so ago, I happened to show my mother a photograph of a guy I dated.

Me: This is him.
Mom: L...Jesus he's fat.
Me: I guess.
Mom: You really like those big men.
Me: Yeah, you've pointed that out.
Mom: So where was that picture taken? Where's he from?

So my point is, most people spend less, rather than more time really giving a shit about this stuff.

I've also mentioned I'm now seeing a younger man. One of his former coworkers said I was too old for him and he just said "No she's not. I like older women and really I don't plan on dating anyone younger." And that was the end of the discussion.


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## fatgirlflyin (Dec 10, 2007)

fa_man_stan said:


> I think for all practical purposes, we talking about the same thing Ella. "Making a stand" sounds more heroic than it really is most of the time. Simply dating someone (fat or of a different race, whatever the preference may be...) in the face of resistance from one's family can be "making a stand". You are right, a person doesn't have to justify their preference to their family or friends, and maybe this alone will be good enough to stop adverse reactions whatever they may be.
> 
> I think you will agree with this Ella... I also believe that being overly defensive (girding for battles that don't need to be fought) can make an unconfortable (maybe even confrontational) situation worse than it needs to be. Letting time pass and making people see that you are going to be with who you choose, no matter what may work... no "stand" has to be made. But if family or friends are outright confrontational what else can you do? You can tell them to f*ck off and leave, but what does that accomplish? It might just pospone a battle (stand) that has to be fought sooner or later.
> 
> ...



I guess I can see what you are saying, and you are right in that we are probably discussing the same thing. I'm fortunate I suppose, that I've been blessed with a family and have surrounded myself with friends who all they want for me is to be happy. If my happy doesn't quite jive with their vision of happy for me they have never said. LOL but maybe they know that Ella is just bitch enough to say fuck em all.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 10, 2007)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> B) if they don't care about your happiness and would rather you settle for someone else to make THEM happy, they're going to find something else in your life to try and control (sorry, it's blunt, but in my experience true)
> 
> C) if you think that you should listen to them rather than your own heart, you must think you're wrong too and in that case you should not be dating a BBW or BHM until you can see that your feelings are your feelings and there's no need to apologize for them
> 
> Because, IMHO, the BBW or BHM of an F/FA's dreams has the right to walk into a room of the F/FA's family and/or friends and have every person in the room know that he or she is the F/FA's dream girl or guy and nothing is being over looked and nothing is being compromised. Sure, people may not agree or accept it, but at the very least, the person you love deserves to have it acknowledged.



Excellent and very interesting points about the control issues and a person's TRUE feelings


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## Paw Paw (Dec 10, 2007)

I never "came out". I just started dating big ladies, and folks noticed.

I do have some idiot friends who ask," Is she big enough?". Or my stepfather who thinks I should join a church because, " they got big women there too." .

All in all there has been no real flack from family or friends.

Peace,
2P.


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## GWARrior (Dec 10, 2007)

Rebecca said:


> This is a pathetic example. Having long hair doesn't have the stigma being fat does, etc etc. However, it kind of used to. My dad had long hair. When my mom brought him home, my grandfather chased him down the street with a shotgun. My grandfather was genuinely opposed to 'long haired hippies' in a way that some people are against fat people. Later, my dad did mention wishing that she'd have warned him about her parents and at least prepared her parents for him.
> 
> Was his hair a disease or big deal? Probably shouldn't have been, but to my grandfather it was. That doesn't at all reflect negatively on my dad, only on my grandfather who had the narrow-minded views. I feel it's the same with F/FAs and people of size. No, you don't need to go hollering it from the roof tops. But when it comes time for me to meet your parents or friends, have enough respect for me to have my back and to be willing to stand up for what we have--love, friendship, kinship, etc.



I dont see how my example was "pathetic", because we pretty much seem on the same page.

thanks.


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## Ample Pie (Dec 10, 2007)

GWARrior said:


> I dont see how my example was "pathetic", because we pretty much seem on the same page.
> 
> thanks.


It's pathetic because the "long hair" stuff is BS. Long hair doesn't have the same kind of stigma that being fat does. Your example was flippant, hence pathetic.

Also...though separately, I do want to add that I don't think that liking people of size requires a defense. It also shouldn't be hidden away in shame.


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## Shosh (Dec 10, 2007)

Rebecca said:


> It's pathetic because the "long hair" stuff is BS. Long hair doesn't have the same kind of stigma that being fat does. Your example was flippant, hence pathetic.
> 
> Also...though separately, I do want to add that I don't think that liking people of size requires a defense. It also shouldn't be hidden away in shame.



I didn't see how G'War's example was pathetic to be honest. Of course long hair has a kind of stigma the same as being fat does with some people. Some people regard people with long hair as being useless bums ( The people judging are stupid ignorant asses) and they regard fat people as being lazy and useless.


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## gangstadawg (Dec 10, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> PS
> 
> To raise this topic is also to always raise the possibility that somebody *won't* come out of the closet. It's possible. You see it--around here, too. And that is a really upsetting idea. It means that somebody's flirting with a lifetime of very sad and bad stuff. People who hide their preferences cause a world of hurt for themselves, and a world of hurt for *us* (fat girls). I think this is part of the reason for the strong reactions. How can that be one of the options on the plate, that kinda misery? Would be the idea.


to add and a world of hurt for the skinny woman they try to go out with but cant fully love.

and to susannah who sent me rep and a message. yes im back but i never really went any where i just took a small break from both DIMs and fullfiggas and partially myspace.


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## Littleghost (Dec 10, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> But why does someone have to make a stand? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm really not. I just can't wrap my head around that whole way of thinking. I'm white, none of my boyfriends have ever been white. Not one time did I ever feel the need to explain to any of my family or friends why I never chose to date a white man. Never did I feel the need to "warn" my parents that I was bringing a man of color home to meet them. Would I care if my family made a choice not to like someone purely based on the color of their skin? You betcha! I'd be pissed that they would feel the need to put their opinions and maybe their own comfort above my happiness. If I'm with someone who treats me right and makes me happy what they look like shouldn't matter.
> 
> I would cut off family and friends if they decided to not accept someone that I happened to love enough to bring them around because of their physical appearance, but that's just me. Because that's how I feel and how I believe that I would react, I can say that I wouldn't be with someone who worried about whether or not his family and friends would accept me purely because I am fat. There are other reasons they can hate me for, I can be loud, opinionated, and I say stuff sometimes without thinking about it first. To hate me just because I'm fat? That's so 1st grade.



I understand you're genuinely trying to understand the situation, but I think that some of the things I've picked up from your posts tell me that you won't really be able to. If I'm reading it right, you've shown some qualities like natural independence and confidence, assertiveness, resolve and that you have very open and honest relationships with those around you. Those are definitely GOOD things, but not everyone has them or is in environments like that.

I've observed that while they aren't being cruel or callous, people with those traits have a "What's the big deal, get over it" attitude. This is because they've never really experienced the conditions that would help them understand. People can't whip out confidence and independence that they don't have, building up those traits can take years and often times, situations reinforce the opposite of this.

I think the 'FA outness' situation is a combination of things. It comes from growing up in situations where things are (un)intentionally taught like: a strong dependence to groups and adherence to social 'rules' and 'etiquette', no matter how screwed up the rules may be. The person is made to feel more responsible to other people and the 'proper' way of things than themselves.

One of the lessons I've learned is that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it" is still an incredibly strong rule in these times. It basically states that overall feelings are more important than individual ones and the truth. A good example of that is this thread. And of course the more honest about things you are in these situations, the more 'tactless' and 'insensitive' you are perceived to be. I think that people who are in those situations are aware of that at least emotionally if not intellectually, and nobody really wants to be a 'jerk' even if it's only a mis perception. People that are more 'socially responsible' or burdened socially feel this way much more strongly. 

A lot of times that feeling of responsibility is coupled with guilt as the group that is the most important is the family. For better or worse, the family is probably the most powerful social unit today. The more closely knit one is, the more anything that goes against the grain of the family is seen as a betrayal and that they are a bad person. This is also how the potential 'betrayer' feels. They are conditioned that way. This is especially true of poor families and how they keep themselves down; that anyone who tries to better themselves is suddenly seen as 'too good' for the family and ashamed of them. And of course it works backwards too, in middle and upper class families going against the grain, someone is the 'black sheep', a disgrace or not good enough.

Quite often there is a lot of passive aggression in play, and whether it is intentional or if even anyone is even aware of it rarely matters, because it still serves to both inform the person of their worth and connect that worth to the group. The message is that if the person wants to have value then they must be a part of the group and they must play their role.

The problem with all of this of course is that the focus is all external. Inner feelings, worth, and confidence are all dependent on outside forces. And since the person doesn't know any different or has little concept and experience of individuality, then being so is almost impossible.

In the end there are definitely varying degrees of this, but the more strong or subtle the influence, the harder it is to shake.


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## Littleghost (Dec 10, 2007)

Rebecca said:


> It's pathetic because the "long hair" stuff is BS. Long hair doesn't have the same kind of stigma that being fat does. Your example was flippant, hence pathetic.
> 
> Also...though separately, I do want to add that I don't think that liking people of size requires a defense. It also shouldn't be hidden away in shame.



Different cultures and sub-cultures even in the US have different definitions of what is 'acceptable' and what isn't. In the south, at least at one time, being fat was no big deal. In the 50's and 60's, long hair for men was a pretty widespread 'no-no'. I'd heard of lots of times when fathers would be outraged or ridicule a daughter's boyfriend for having it. Quite a few places wouldn't hire you if you had long hair, and would be public about that rule. In missouri today, I had long hair for awhile, barely down to my shoulders and positive or negative, people couldn't stop commenting about it. For me it was just... hair. 

Her example isn't exactly the same thing as fat, but it's still a pretty valid analogy.
Plus, you have to remember that while times change, it isn't always progressively.


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## CTAnonymousCT (Dec 10, 2007)

BOXER said:


> Just wondering when and how u guys "came out" with being an FA? What did u say? How was it recieved?



I always was attracted to plus sized women. I will say that as a younger man I wasnt ready for the peer pressure, So I dated skinnies up until I was 21. Then I realized that every skinny women I dated I always found myself straying with a plus sized gal. That wasnt good, so I knew I needed to be honest with myself and then something happened, I no longer cared what my "buddy's" thought. I LOVE fat girls! PERIOD! I got alot of questions from friends, which I explained. A few didnt accept it, which tells me they werent true friends anyway. I have learned that my choices determine my life. When I denied that I was truly attracted to fat girls I lived a life that was unhealthy for me, them and anyone else I was involved with because I was living a lie. But when I accpeted my natural desires as healthy and right for me, My life became more then I could have imagined. Anyhoo, Thats my $.02 cents. :bow::bow:


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## snuggletiger (Dec 10, 2007)

Gee I guess I was out of the FA closet since 6 years old and haven't been back inside. Not that that will get me a special award or medal. Maybe just looks of derision because I am not a 20 or 40 something who suddenly "GOT IT".


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## Ash (Dec 10, 2007)

James said:


> *I think its a little harsh to link 'outness' as an FA to the level of 'family acceptance'*. Thats like saying, your parents dont accept you as an FA so we wont either..! How does that make sense?
> 
> No-one can choose their parents or control how their parents feel about fatness. I've spent years trying to make headway 'educating' mine... 'progress' has been very slow. I think that some parents can have a very fixed idea in their heads about their offspring and what their aspirations are for them. When their kids make decisions that they dont understand... or consider 'wrong' then their 'plan' for their kids is threatened..? I dunno... Its out of a misplaced notion of love I think???
> 
> Anyway, however crap they are when it comes to fat acceptance, my parents are still my parents and I owe them a lot for all they've given me in life. It doesnt help that they are negative about my aesthetic preference... but, in turn, I dont have to be bound by their expectations or negativity.


 
Quoted for emphasis.

That is all.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 10, 2007)

Paw Paw said:


> I never "came out". I just started dating big ladies, and folks noticed.
> 
> I do have some idiot friends who ask," Is she big enough?". *Or my stepfather who thinks I should join a church because, " they got big women there too." .
> *
> ...



Oh gawd....something about that made me laugh...


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