# Being an Fa made me cry last night.



## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

My partner and i were watching a show last night called "come dine with me" and there was a women contestant that i said looked really pretty. She WAS a big woman but that wasnt the only reason i thought that. She was wearing traditional African dress and looked really colourful and shimmering. As usual, my partner disagrees because of her size. 
She then said "It makes me feel really unsure about what you find attractive in me when the things you sem to find attractive i despise in myself".
We had the usual discussion (see countless threads) about how it upsets me when she is mean to other women and in particular big women.
She said that one of the reasons she didnt find big women attractive is because she knows what it feels like to live as one. She went on to say that it wasnt just an athstetic thing for her but that being her size makes her uncomfortable for much of the time. She talked about getting sore when her legs rubbed together and about feeling uncomfortable and hot especially when it gets warmer. She talked about not being able to do things that she wanted to because of her size and about an activity she couldnt join in with at work that day because her size made it impossible for her.
Then i started to cry and i couldnt stop. I felt like a monster.
My partener was asking me why i was so upset and said "you dont have to feel sorry for me"!
i said "its not just that, though i do feel terrible that it makes you so sad but its more than that"
Eventually, through tears i explained that the only way i could express it was a feeling of guilt.
Because here i am being turned on by the very thing that causes her so much pain and heart ache!

I think before i tried to live with my head in the sand and dorce myself to believe that size really doesnt affect people, society does, but on a very practical everyday level it really does affect my partner.
She told me not to be silly and it was ok that i was a "wee chubby chaser" lol (it all became kind of jokey then, i think because she was trying to make me less sad)
I have to say that then i felt sort of maniacal..like you know when you get that you dont know whether to laugh or cry..and end up just feeling a bit panicky.
She then talked about going to see a play last week and about not being able to fit in the seat properly and about having to sit in a particular way and about feeling uncomfortable the whole way through..
and i said to her "you see even stuff like that is hot somehow although i KNOW it shouldnt be"!
I'm not saying that i find peoples pain or discomfort a turn on of course!
I'm not a total monster..and this was a lot of the reason i got so upset and felt so sad.
Last night just really caught me off guard.
I would never want my partner to feel bad but as i explained to her, this is my sexuality and a part of me that i just cant help..

i felt really vulnerable telling her about this..She has always known i love big women of course and its something that i have always felt proud of and have never felt "abnormal" or stigamatised, well not partticularaly anyway. The fact is though, although i try i dont always feel comfortable being an Fa especially when what excites me most is what makes my partner feel the worst!

i have quite a lot more thoughts about this but i can feel myself getting upset again and have tears in my eye as i type this..
I think i just feel really conflicted as i always felt so strong and secure about being attracted to fat people but i feel awful when i know its something that a lot of fat people i know dont like about thierselves..

hmm i think i will have some chamomile tea and try not to feel so bad about this..

mer


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## wrestlingguy (May 30, 2008)

Hey, Mer. Sorry to hear you were so upset by this. I was involved in a relationship very similar to this with a woman who hated the changes in her body.

We were together for 2 and a half painful years. No matter how much I tried to help her, emotionally and physically, she could never get past her resentment of me for loving her physically, when she hated it so much. After we split up, she eventually lost all the weight, and seems much happier now.

Please do not think I'm dooming your relationship to failure, because I'm not. I think there are different things that can happen in situations like this:

1. A shift in her thought that allows her to be more accepting of what you like.

2. She realizes that it's better to be in a loving relationship as a fat woman than with someone else who may try to change her.

3. You realize your love for her is more important than what size she is.

4. You find someone else who loves you for loving her curves, and the current relationship ends.

5. She finds someone else who loves her without her being fat, and leaves.

When my girl and I broke up after our time together, I felt like a monster as well. Then I found Dimensions, and came to realize that not everyone shares my preference, but that in and of itself doesn't make me a monster. I suggest you talk with some of the fat people here (ladies and gents) who are happy with their weight, and healthy. I think you will see at the very least, however, that you don't need to feel bad about this issue. 

I hope you make peace with yourself about this.


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

wrestlingguy said:


> Hey, Mer. Sorry to hear you were so upset by this. I was involved in a relationship very similar to this with a woman who hated the changes in her body.
> 
> We were together for 2 and a half painful years. No matter how much I tried to help her, emotionally and physically, she could never get past her resentment of me for loving her physically, when she hated it so much. After we split up, she eventually lost all the weight, and seems much happier now.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that, and for sharing..
The thing is, my love for her IS more important than what size she is. Though i think to be physically attracted to your partner is important..at least initially until you find out about all the other things you like about them.
I think though that being an Fa is a part of my sexuality and if she were to become really thin i cant be certain that i would still find her attractive. No matter how much of an arsehole that makes me sound. It Would possibly be simmilar to if she were to have a sex change (perhaps through adjustment and in realising the other things that i find attracted to her i could see past the physical) .. but then..i do have some hope in myself that it would never matter..but i cant be sure of that..
I dont mean i would stop being attracted to her if she lost some weight..but i generally very rarely find thin women attractive..
You know..thats something else i have a problem with..I have been in positions where friends have said thier partners have been less sexually interested in them because they "gained" weight.. and i have called thier partners all sorts of arseholes under the sun!!
When infact i am a complete hypocrite, just in reverse..!!
She is "accepting" somewhat of my sexual preference though i am called "weird", "mental" etc.. quite a lot..
I think though in being honest last night we felt really close somehow and discovered that we both have our vulnerabilities about ourselves.
I guess i always though, well dreamed that i could meet someone who was confident and happy in thier bodies.. i know that can be a really long process and i accept that..
i guess it just makes me feel so sad that she cant see what i do...and i'm not sure she ever will, because as she said..its NOT just about the athstetics for her but in feeling that she cant do things she would like to in life because of her size. This being the case of course i would support her to do whatever she wanted to make her happy ie loosing weight..
still i feel so wrong in feeling slightly sad about it..
She said to me that "No-one who is fat can be happy about it" and i told her i have chatted to various people over the years who were infact happy.. then i wondered if that happieness was "acceptance" which is just as powerful of course but a differnt thing.

hmm i dont know..
Thank you for taking the time to soothe me wrestling guy!

xmer


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## UncannyBruceman (May 30, 2008)

Mergirl, I'm made out to be a monster no matter WHAT I do, but based on my experiences with relationships, I would think that your relationship you are currently in will traumatize you before long.

It's hard enough to grow up as an FA/FFA; many of us feel like freaks during our pubescent and adolescent years. Dating a woman who hates her appearance only strengthens that, and I have had my share of girlfriends who made me feel guilty for being what I am. No matter how cute they were and no matter how good I was to them, they could never truly embrace or even handle being what they were...I shouldn't have to ponder how my girl would react if I called her beautiful and neither should you.

The "you're not alone" feeling you get when you stumble on to a place like Dimensions can do a lot for you, but dating a woman from outside these borders can throw it all out the window. Unless she has a change of heart and an open mind, then your relationship will continue to make you feel guilty for being what you are, and that's not love. Part of being a happy FA is to have someone who will love that very aspect of you, as opposed to someone who appreciates not feeling ugly for a few hours and ruins an intimate moment because she doesn't like to be reminded that she's fat.


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

UncannyBruceman said:


> Mergirl, I'm made out to be a monster no matter WHAT I do, but based on my experiences with relationships, I would think that your relationship you are currently in will traumatize you before long.
> 
> It's hard enough to grow up as an FA/FFA; many of us feel like freaks during our pubescent and adolescent years. Dating a woman who hates her appearance only strengthens that, and I have had my share of girlfriends who made me feel guilty for being what I am. No matter how cute they were and no matter how good I was to them, they could never truly embrace or even handle being what they were...I shouldn't have to ponder how my girl would react if I called her beautiful and neither should you.
> 
> The "you're not alone" feeling you get when you stumble on to a place like Dimensions can do a lot for you, but dating a woman from outside these borders can throw it all out the window. Unless she has a change of heart and an open mind, then your relationship will continue to make you feel guilty for being what you are, and that's not love. Part of being a happy FA is to have someone who will love that very aspect of you, as opposed to someone who appreciates not feeling ugly for a few hours and ruins an intimate moment because she doesn't like to be reminded that she's fat.


i hear you. I think ive even had convo's along this line with your cool as- lady over the years too. Even women who are or seem happy and secure in thierselves and open to Fa's can still say stuff like "So what EXACTLY is it you like about big women"! lol
I really hope not to be traumatised by this though..because i really do think that this issue aside we get on really well..and i also really really hope that we can come to some sort of understanding about the whole "Fa" thing.. and to a certain extent we have..(name calling aside! lol). Though, that is something i have thought about and have worried about. That she will never really accept that about me, because then i feel sort of stunted somehow because i cant express certain things to her that i find attractive/hot etc without fear of her saying i'm weird or feeling kind of perverted because the things i like become somehow taboo..
For example we were talking last night about how she hates having her belly touched..but conceded that it was probs because that was the part she hated the most.. I told her that it was a shame because i LOVE bellies! (i mean who doesnt?) even more than breasts (if i can be crude in a 1950's dysfunctional housewife way).. which again.. she said was weird...
gah.. och well.. she knows what i like, i have been honest (as i have been from the start) and i will just have to see what happens..
thanks bruce xx
mer.

and p.s Ive seen the pics and you wear your kilt better than most guys that live in scotland! lol


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## bigsexy920 (May 30, 2008)

As a big women that struggles with the same things your partner does I can say that at times, yes it can be difficult. But as I aged - like a fine wine  these things seem to bother me less. I have to admit as a younger woman I really really did struggle with my size. I didnt really interact with people in a way that I would have liked to at the time and it was because of my size. I was always afraid of not fitting on a ride, in a seat blah blah blah. 

Now I do these things - well maybe not rides - Im not really into all that anymore. But movies and plays I go and yeah some times its tight and sometimes im good. I still have body issues from time to time but it more about the shape of my body than the size of it. Ive come to really enjoy my body and how it looks and feels and I have to say honestly the self acceptance all came with time and lots of cries just like you and your partner had. 

If you really truly love her Mer - stick it out maybe like me she will grow to love and accept herself as I have. If its something that is too difficult for you to deal with maybe she is not the right girl for you. 

As for the being turned on by not fitting places - I know you know you are not the only one and to be honest - there are way way worse things to be turned on by - a tight squeeze and a thight skirt are sorta cute  

Good luck


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

bigsexy920 said:


> As a big women that struggles with the same things your partner does I can say that at times, yes it can be difficult. But as I aged - like a fine wine  these things seem to bother me less. I have to admit as a younger woman I really really did struggle with my size. I didnt really interact with people in a way that I would have liked to at the time and it was because of my size. I was always afraid of not fitting on a ride, in a seat blah blah blah.
> 
> Now I do these things - well maybe not rides - Im not really into all that anymore. But movies and plays I go and yeah some times its tight and sometimes im good. I still have body issues from time to time but it more about the shape of my body than the size of it. Ive come to really enjoy my body and how it looks and feels and I have to say honestly the self acceptance all came with time and lots of cries just like you and your partner had.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice BS. I really do love her and we have only been dating for about 6 months (though talked a bit before that) so i guess we are just getting to know each other more. I dont think this is something too difficult to deal with because all the positive things in our relationship outweigh (cough) this.. well i hope so. It just really hit home i guess and i felt selfish or something..i felt a lot of things. 
I really hope that she grows, not only to accept herself but to truly love herself and her body. I find it really inspiring when i hear stories like yours that highlight that people really can find body love and acceptance even if they had a problem with thier bodies initially.
Erm..lol..the seat thing was sort of something i just said to her as an example of something that i might think was hot.. this was at the laughing crying stage..She also said that she hated it when she sees big women with too tight clothes too actually! Again..i said.."well thats hot too"!! ahh..I'm so glad its not just me! lol
thank you for your insightful advise.

xmer


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## Tooz (May 30, 2008)

Well, I could say I have all this ~sage advice~ to add, but the previous posters sum it up. I have to sit in seats all funky, and on some occasions my thighs might be sore, but ultimately it's not that bad. I think self acceptance can do wonders: if you don't have it, things you face can be so much harder.

I know it doesn't really help, but good luck. Try to get her to come to Dims.


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

Tooz said:


> Well, I could say I have all this ~sage advice~ to add, but the previous posters sum it up. I have to sit in seats all funky, and on some occasions my thighs might be sore, but ultimately it's not that bad. I think self acceptance can do wonders: if you don't have it, things you face can be so much harder.
> 
> I know it doesn't really help, but good luck. Try to get her to come to Dims.


Thank you tooz. She's not much of a computer person.. Though she knows Dims exists as i metion it a lot when i'm explaining that there are a LOT of people who love big women and big women who love themselves..
i have recieved some great advice and dont feel quite so bad anymore..

xmer


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## Tad (May 30, 2008)

I haven't read this whole thread yet (I will later when I have time), but I just want to say: I totally know the experience you are talking about....both the head in the sand stage and the feeling like a monster thing. You are far from alone....and you can live with these conflicting feelings, although it may never be totally comfortable. :bow:


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## BothGunsBlazing (May 30, 2008)

I've had girlfriends tell me that when they're with me physically, they love being the size that they are. That I make them feel attractive and sexy, but it makes it all the worse when they're out in the real world and they're given the same amount of shit for it that they usually have gotten. Telling me that it was like being built up very high only to come crashing down on a daily basis. 

It made me feel terrible. Like I was doing something wrong. I still don't know how to feel about it ..


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## butch (May 30, 2008)

Mer, sorry to hear about the conflicts you're having with your partner. I think the other FAs here are giving you excellent advice/support. I'm not trying to steal your thunder here, but it was funny that I saw this thread title as soon as I logged on, since I cried last night and again this morning because, unlike your partner, I've never been with a woman who was into my body, and I've felt that rejection from men and women keenly my whole life. I wish your partner knew how truly special she is, to have someone as kind and concerned and loving as you are, someone who loves every bit of her, inside and out, and I wish she could find a way to get past her own body image traumas and allow herself to feel that her body is something wonderful.

You're not a monster, mer, and don't beat yourself up about how you feel. Her demons are her demons, and there is nothing wrong about preferring fat partners. I hope you and your partner can work this out, and that she can learn to love her body as much as you do.


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

butch said:


> Mer, sorry to hear about the conflicts you're having with your partner. I think the other FAs here are giving you excellent advice/support. I'm not trying to steal your thunder here, but it was funny that I saw this thread title as soon as I logged on, since I cried last night and again this morning because, unlike your partner, I've never been with a woman who was into my body, and I've felt that rejection from men and women keenly my whole life. I wish your partner knew how truly special she is, to have someone as kind and concerned and loving as you are, someone who loves every bit of her, inside and out, and I wish she could find a way to get past her own body image traumas and allow herself to feel that her body is something wonderful.
> 
> You're not a monster, mer, and don't beat yourself up about how you feel. Her demons are her demons, and there is nothing wrong about preferring fat partners. I hope you and your partner can work this out, and that she can learn to love her body as much as you do.


shit! Your post made me cry too! There sure is a lot of crying going on today. I'm so sorry that you have had such a bad experience and i know that you WILL meet someone who will love your body, as they love you, completely. Seriously, dont give up hope in that..there are so many people out there who love big women and there will be so many people out there for you. Just cause you havn't met the right one yet doesnt mean they dont exist! I am pretty fussy when it comes to relationships, so havnt had that many serious ones..If i'm honest, intelligence, humour, kindness, honesty all come before body type though when i have dated people who had all those qualities before but were thin i always felt like something was missing for me, which really wasnt fair on the people i dated or myself, so it took a lot of soul searching to realise that i am infact not shallow, i'm just fussy! lol There are a LOT of big women in scotland but there have only ever been a couple that i have wanted to be in a relationship with. I guess my point here is that, even though i thought i had reached a place where i was comfortable in my own sexuality i never bargained on my partner not being..and i feel it sort of pushed me back somehow...
There is plenty of thunder to go around butch.. and i hope that people can give you lots of love, support and advice in this post as they have me.
I dont know you, but from reading your posts you sound like a thoughtful, kind and compassionate person. Anyone would be lucky to be with you.
Try not to feel sad and Dont give up hope.

xmer


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

edx said:


> I haven't read this whole thread yet (I will later when I have time), but I just want to say: I totally know the experience you are talking about....both the head in the sand stage and the feeling like a monster thing. You are far from alone....and you can live with these conflicting feelings, although it may never be totally comfortable. :bow:


yessum edx .. i feel less alone already..
i have my birthday party tonight (as i was away on my actual birthday) so i'm sure i will write more monday morning once my hangover dies! 
Thank u kindly sir!

xmer


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## butch (May 30, 2008)

Thanks for your response, mer. It means a lot to me, and I'm teary eyed reading it, so we both need to stop our blubbering, lol. 

I feel so very bad for your partner, all that pain she is carrying around inside her about her size, and I wish I could pass on even a tiny bit of the body acceptance I have. I'm not 100% in love with my body, but even on a bad day I love my body more than I hate it, and have no idea how I got to this point. If I did, I'd share that magic formula with you and your partner.

I'm not the hugging sort, but I'm giving you and your partner some (((((hugs)))))), and thanks so much for your kindness to me.


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

butch said:


> Thanks for your response, mer. It means a lot to me, and I'm teary eyed reading it, so we both need to stop our blubbering, lol.
> 
> I feel so very bad for your partner, all that pain she is carrying around inside her about her size, and I wish I could pass on even a tiny bit of the body acceptance I have. I'm not 100% in love with my body, but even on a bad day I love my body more than I hate it, and have no idea how I got to this point. If I did, I'd share that magic formula with you and your partner.
> 
> I'm not the hugging sort, but I'm giving you and your partner some (((((hugs)))))), and thanks so much for your kindness to me.


I totally AM the hugging sort...so (((((((((huggles x a million)))))) to you. 
Yes..its time we stopped all this crying..though it is kinna cathartic.
It makes me really happy to hear about your body acceptance and that of others here..it gives me some hope that eventually my partner will feel the same.
thank you and take care.

xxmer


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## KendraLee (May 30, 2008)

Hi Mer, You don't have to be traumatized by this, just look at it as a little bit of a breakthrough. You were able to see the other side of something and understand her pain. That can bring you closer. I know where she is coming from too. I've been humiliated by the whole not fitting on a rollercoaster and I remember when I was a teenager being at a park with my friends and going on water rides only to have the friction from my wet shorts rubbing together cause such a horrible rash It hurt to walk for about a week. There are so many other things too. While I may not particularly love everything about my body, I love myself-and that makes me like my body. I understood what your girlfriend was saying when she said No one who is fat can be happy about it because I've said something similiar in the past. Your thought about it being acceptance is probably pretty accurate. I know for me its about accepting and knowing this is me, its who I've always been and I feel comfortable in my own skin. Dont beat yourself up with guilt-your girlfriend is lucky to have someone who loves all of her. They're her issues that need to be worked out in her brain and all you can do is show consideration when it comes to her comfort level.


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## mergirl (May 30, 2008)

KendraLee said:


> Hi Mer, You don't have to be traumatized by this, just look at it as a little bit of a breakthrough. You were able to see the other side of something and understand her pain. That can bring you closer. I know where she is coming from too. I've been humiliated by the whole not fitting on a rollercoaster and I remember when I was a teenager being at a park with my friends and going on water rides only to have the friction from my wet shorts rubbing together cause such a horrible rash It hurt to walk for about a week. There are so many other things too. While I may not particularly love everything about my body, I love myself-and that makes me like my body. I understood what your girlfriend was saying when she said No one who is fat can be happy about it because I've said something similiar in the past. Your thought about it being acceptance is probably pretty accurate. I know for me its about accepting and knowing this is me, its who I've always been and I feel comfortable in my own skin. Dont beat yourself up with guilt-your girlfriend is lucky to have someone who loves all of her. They're her issues that need to be worked out in her brain and all you can do is show consideration when it comes to her comfort level.


Thanks kendra, your right..I suppose before now no one in real life that i loved has talked in much detail about the things that can cause pain, emotional and physical when being a certain size. I think what makes it worse is my parter is a total dare devil whereas i am a complete woose so i dont think i would ever even consider rollercoasting and white water rafting etc.. and these are some of the things she wants to do/used to do when she was thinner. Though she did do some crazy handgliding thing last year that didnt have a weight restriction..i feel ill just looking at the photos! lol.
you know, i think it did bring us closer in many ways. I think because i have always seen myself as a bit of a "fat activist" i have kinna blustered through in the past, not really accepting that "fat" could ever pose any problems and shouldnt ever stop people from doing what they want. I would rage at rides at funparks that wernt equipped to deal with people over a certain size (even though i would never want to go on any myself) but i always had the blinkered thought that its just society that is all fucked up. But then again i dont know how it could ever really feel on a personal level as my size has never affected me from doing what i wanted (though reading books and watching shit tv isnt really size specific! lol) All i can really do now is empathise.. i'm really glad i listened to her worries, fears and anoyances even though it made me really sad..because they suddenly became real and not just me being angry at society. I have to accept that. 
I also think we will become closer now that i have admitted to myself and to her that i also feel a certain amount of guilt. I dont feel guilty that i love big women but just that i feel sad that my partner feels sad about one of one of the things i find really attractive about her..
hmm guilty isnt the right word.. i guess just sad is..
i want you all to know, i am taking all your advice on board and i am feeling a bit better..
i'm sure lots of people have worked through isssues like this and came through the other side and i'm sure we can too..

xmer


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## Tina (May 30, 2008)

Mer, as someone who hated her body, and by extension, herself, for most of my life (until the last 16 years or so), I can relate to how your g/f feels. We women are socialized to dislike our bodies, because when we do, we go out to buy products and surgeries and diet products in an effort to 'fix' them. Fact is, unless we have health matters that need attention, we don't need fixing. But this socialization and brainwashing is a powerful and ubiquitous thing, and sometimes it even flies under our radar so that it has become so ingrained societally that it is often unthinkingly accepted. Until we are aware of it and tell it to fuck off, that is.

My poor ex. Every day (until things started going bad), he told me he loved me and that I was beautiful. I couldn't see it. I'd look in the mirror and see this part that wanted to cut off, and that part that I wanted to cut off. Violent thoughts really about the precious thing that is my body. Living through the things I did while growing up as a female fat child, adolescent, teen and adult, I learned that fat bodies are unacceptable. A fat person with that mindset who has not found fat acceptance, let alone size acceptance, will often tend to put their self-hatred onto the fatness of others, too, because it's such a terrible burden to bear. It sounds like your girlfriend is there, Mer.

Bruce has a point. But you must do what you feel is right. Until your g/f is willing and able to see her own beauty, your words and expressions will, at some deep recess of her psyche be appreciated, but really it's like a forcefield is up because she just cannot feel the things you feel about her body and take them to heart. She rejects them, likely, because she rejects herself. I remember just how it felt for my ex to tell me the admiring things he did and to appreciate hearing it, but to really not only reject it out of hand, but sometimes think he was a freak for thinking so. It was this whole mental process I went through, trying to figure out why he was telling me those things, and if he felt that way, what was wrong with him? Was this all some sort of grand pity fuck? How could that be? And on and on. Blah.

I guess it will ultimately be up to you whether you love her enough to stick it out and hope that she might be able to go on her own quest, as I did, in finding her own beauty and being willing to see the evidence. It's not easy, I know, for either of you.


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## UncannyBruceman (May 30, 2008)

mergirl said:


> I really hope not to be traumatised by this though..because i really do think that this issue aside we get on really well..and i also really really hope that we can come to some sort of understanding about the whole "Fa" thing.. and to a certain extent we have..(name calling aside! lol). Though, that is something i have thought about and have worried about. That she will never really accept that about me, because then i feel sort of stunted somehow because i cant express certain things to her that i find attractive/hot etc without fear of her saying i'm weird or feeling kind of perverted because the things i like become somehow taboo..



Then you're loving her from inside a cage. Address this with her NOW, because if you don't, she will stay set in her self-hating ways and YOU will be the one that suffers for it. Sooner or later, you'll get too comfortable with being miserable and you will become something of a statistic; unwilling to let go of an emotionally abusive relationship.


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## EtobicokeFA (May 30, 2008)

I am so glad, that thread exists. And, it's great to know that there are FAs, who know the pain and frustration of having a partners who still have demons concerning their bodies. 

I know how you fell, from my dating days. And, Tina got right on the nose. 


> "I guess it will ultimately be up to you whether you love her enough to stick it out and hope that she might be able to go on her own quest, as I did, in finding her own beauty and being willing to see the evidence. It's not easy, I know, for either of you."


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## UncannyBruceman (May 30, 2008)

mergirl said:


> and p.s Ive seen the pics and you wear your kilt better than most guys that live in scotland! lol



That's probably the best comment anyone has ever made on that, thank you!


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## Tad (May 30, 2008)

mergirl said:


> Though, that is something i have thought about and have worried about. That she will never really accept that about me, because then i feel sort of stunted somehow because i cant express certain things to her that i find attractive/hot etc without fear of her saying i'm weird or feeling kind of perverted because the things i like become somehow taboo..
> For example we were talking last night about how she hates having her belly touched..but conceded that it was probs because that was the part she hated the most.. I told her that it was a shame because i LOVE bellies! (i mean who doesnt?) even more than breasts (if i can be crude in a 1950's dysfunctional housewife way).. which again.. she said was weird...
> gah.. och well.. she knows what i like, i have been honest (as i have been from the start) and i will just have to see what happens..



Life is not always easy, either in a good or a bad way. That is, a lot of things are neither and then they lived happily ever after or a bad thing happened, now you have to work on moving on. A lot of times life is something we have to muddle through, and sometimes that muddle just keeps traveling with you, so you have to keep on muddling through some of the same issues again and again and again. Which isnt all bad, but isnt all good either. It is, well, muddled.

Which is all in service of saying this: I dont mean what I say below as a bad thing. It certainly isnt all good, but it isnt all bad. And to be clear, what Im saying below is based largely on my own experience, but also on discussions with a number of other FA who have gone through this (generally with 10+ years of being together under their belts).

It is very hard to turn someone into an FA of any sort, if they really arent one at all. It is possible that your girlfriend will never be any sort of FA. Possibly you can get her to be more fat accepting, but she may never see fat as an attractive thing, on herself or anyone else (or possibly just on any other woman). Which may mean she never finds attractive most of the things that you think are attractive on her body. What probably can be managed, even if she never becomes any sort of FA, is for her to accept that you are an FA, that this is not a bad thing, and that she should try to tolerate and humour you as much as possible in this regard. This leaves you in a position where you can admire her body, but probably not as effusively as you might prefer. It leaves her in a position where your ogling her may serve to remind her that she is fat. 

The best analogy I can think of at the moment is this: is if you were with a partner who liked you to be very butch, but that was not you. Youd know dressing or acting a certain way would be more apt to get her gazing lustfully on you, but it was not really what made you feel sexy about yourselfyou could do it for her, but you would not be being sexy for her and for yourself at the same time. Well, that would probably be similar to what it is like to be the non-fat-admiring-but-fat partner of an FA.

As I said, it is not all bad. If you love each other, you can deal with that. But it never resolves into an easy thing, as far as I can tell.


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## Chimpi (May 30, 2008)

butch and Tina certainly put it the best, but I'll offer my views and opinions.



mergirl said:


> She said that one of the reasons she didnt find big women attractive is because she knows what it feels like to live as one. She went on to say that it wasnt just an athstetic thing for her but that being her size makes her uncomfortable for much of the time. She talked about getting sore when her legs rubbed together and about feeling uncomfortable and hot especially when it gets warmer. She talked about not being able to do things that she wanted to because of her size and about an activity she couldnt join in with at work that day because her size made it impossible for her.



Again, her demons.
Just because her size did/does make her uncomfortable in her own body does not mean that her size, or even a much larger size on another person will make them feel uncomfortable in their body. Not everyone gets sore when their legs rub together (like me, for instance), and there are ways to deal with that. Baby powder, cleansing agents, resting while walking... many things. Also, not everyone is hotter (in the temperature sort of way) because they're fatter. I get hot quickly because that's just how my body works. Even when I was thin I would get just as hot as I do now in hot weather or warm places. That has more to do with body chemistry, I think, than body size (though of course some people do get hotter quicker when they're fatter).
I'm not sure what she does for work or what it was that she couldn't do because of her size, but workplaces need to cater to their employees. Unless it was an extra-curricular activity, employers have to make their employees feel uncomfortable. Eetz duh law.



wrestlingguy said:


> 3. You realize your love for her is more important than what size she is.



mergirl, you responded to this already, but I wanted to add to what you have already said. I agree that finding your partner physically attractive is important [to me, and obviously to you]. I do not think there is anything wrong with that at all. And in fact, it _is_ different than "loving" your partner. I see this sort of thing said often, and I personally have not been able to relate the two together yet. Maybe there's something I'm missing, or maybe it's just that I see it differently than those people.
To me, love is not determined by physical attraction. It's an emotional connection you have with some one, almost exclusively based on their mental and emotional being (their "soul"), your history with that person, your blood-line connection with that person, and so on and so forth. I'm not saying that wrestlingguy doesn't think that or understand that (I have no idea, to be honest). But I think it is okay to love and lust for your partner. I think it's healthy.



mergirl said:


> That she will never really accept that about me, because then i feel sort of stunted somehow because i cant express certain things to her that i find attractive/hot etc without fear of her saying i'm weird or feeling kind of perverted because the things i like become somehow taboo..



I think two things need to be said about that. The first is that your own personal demons are allowing you to think that it's possible it might be weird or perverted. Sometimes I deal with the same thoughts (though not nearly as much now as years ago... "once every blue moon"), but it is important for you to remember that it is not weird (unless you conclude it to be in the end). It is not perverted. It is just who you are. I hope that you come to more acceptance with yourself down the road, and that your partner does the same (about herself and about you).
The second is that you're aware of her feelings of fat, she hasn't quite understood your feelings on the subject, and she has her own demons to work through (as others have much more elegantly said). I will address a few more specific things in the paragraph(s) to come. Her demons are her demons. It is up to her to choose to work through them, or accept that who she is now is who she will always be; unable to accept fat as a unique and beautiful aspect of a persons body. I hope she eventually feels the power of self-acceptance and fat-acceptance (on any sort of level).



mergirl said:


> For example we were talking last night about how she hates having her belly touched..but conceded that it was probs because that was the part she hated the most.. I told her that it was a shame because i LOVE bellies! (i mean who doesnt?) even more than breasts (if i can be crude in a 1950's dysfunctional housewife way).. which again.. she said was weird...
> gah.. och well.. she knows what i like, i have been honest (as i have been from the start) and i will just have to see what happens..



"She said was weird". Those are her views. I would like to stress that you should not let her opinion of that rub off onto you. It's not weird. If it were weird, then I would try to be as weird as possible. Bellies are something you find appealing. What makes that more weird that any physical attribute she finds attractive? There's nothing weird (or perverted) about loving a belly, large or small, just as there's nothing weird (or perverted) to be turned on because your partner might not be able to fit into some theater seats.
I hope you eventually come to realize and accept that, too. 



mergirl said:


> I think what makes it worse is my parter is a total dare devil whereas i am a complete woose so i dont think i would ever even consider rollercoasting and white water rafting etc.. and these are some of the things she wants to do/used to do when she was thinner.



If that is what she likes to do, then that's what she should do. If she is not able to do some of the things due to her size (riding extreme roller coasters, sky diving, cliff-hanging... whatever it is), then she should form herself around what she likes to do (if that is her choice to do so). That is probably a big factor of her negative opinion about her body, too. A sort of resenting feeling of not being able to do the things she wants to do because of her size (whether those restrictions are necessary or not). It's important (in my opinion, again) for you to remember that those are her feelings, not yours. 



mergirl said:


> I would rage at rides at funparks that wernt equipped to deal with people over a certain size (even though i would never want to go on any myself) but i always had the blinkered thought that its just society that is all fucked up. But then again i dont know how it could ever really feel on a personal level as my size has never affected me from doing what i wantedr



You had a good reason to "rage", but I do not think that's a good, objective view to take on it. You're right, most 'fun parks' are not equipped to deal with customers over a certain size. Certain rides are understandable, because weight restrictions can usually cut down on damage that might possibly occur to a person or the ride. But what about the other rides? Water rides, as you brought up. Why do some of those boats have such small seats? Fat floats. Fat floats much better than any other body type.
Why do theater seats have to have such small seating? Most of them that I have encountered have access to handicapped seating, and sometimes even sections where armless chairs are available. Why not more? I'm about to go to a concert tonight that has horrible seating: very small chairs. The last time I was there I was somewhat uncomfortable for an amount of time (and I was even on the end of the row. Tonight I'm in the very center of the row). Only handicapped seating is available, no armless chairs. That's a pretty lousy way to go about getting some more customers. Maybe they aren't aware that larger patrons need larger seats (or armless). Whatever the case is, there are so many places that do not cater to larger customers/patrons. That's a shame, and _that_ is what needs to be changed.
I should not have to lose weight to go see a concert. That's absurd.

-----------

In the end, you're not a monster. You have every right to feel the way you do and be attracted to what you are attracted to just as much as she does for how she feels and what she is attracted to. It's not less correct or more correct. It's just different. Through reading many of your posts, you're a very wonderful person, and she is lucky to have you as a partner. It's obvious you care a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be going through stages of guilt and remorse for who you are. It's also obvious that you care for/love her very much, and that's a wonderful thing.  I hope you two can work through this and figure out what works best for both of you.

... Long post of the day for me. I go get ready for my concert (and hopefully I won't get too uncomfortable... it's a 3.5 hour concert).


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## ripley (May 30, 2008)

There are some that the self-hatred is so ingrained that you're never going to budge it.

But there are also others, like me, who just plain weren't exposed to men blatantly finding fat attractive. I toed the line that the media and society always dished out, that I was unattractive and at best should comport myself as asexual. I've been around dims about four years now and I can tell you, it's been a sea change. It started out like this:

Guy: You have a lovely body, and a gorgeous belly.
Me: Look at this gut...it's huge, I hate it.

Slowly, it became this:

Guy: You're pretty.
Me: (not really believing it, but trying to be polite) Thank you.

Then ended up as this:

Guy: You have a hot body.
Me: I know, just look at this lovely big belly. Kiss it.


Okay, that's simplified and maybe a little exaggerated D), but still, it's got some truth in it. Every little drop of water wears away some of the bad stuff that has been ingrained in us for years about how fat is bad. Slowly, slowly, we can get more accepting. It is up to you if you want to write it off, and say that you'll never be happy with a woman that feels that way, and that it will only get worse. All I'm saying is that...sometimes it gets better, instead.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 30, 2008)

Over time....that's how it happened for me, too Ripley.


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## Fascinita (May 31, 2008)

Awww. You're not a monster, Mergirl. You have really pretty hair. And you love bananas liqueur. Remember? Don't get too unhappy  Sounds like you and your GF at least tried to talk, and that's a good thing. Maybe she'll learn to accept herself. After all, if some fat people feel too hot when it's warm, some thin people feel too cold when it's cool. It's just a matter of perspective and about whose experiences you privilege. Whether she wants to lose weight or not--which of course is her prerogative--should not mean that if the two of you love each other, you can't work things out so you're both happy. The key may well be communication and honesty, and it already sounds like you're doing that.

Good luck.


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## Dr. P Marshall (May 31, 2008)

Hi mergirl. I just wanted to chime in as another member of the board to assure you you are not a monster. In fact, you sound like a very nice woman. And as another FA on the board, I can also assure you, as others have already, that you are not alone in feeling like a monster sometimes. It seems to be something many of us struggle with. Others have offered good advice on your situation with your girlfriend, and I think that, whatever happens, you need to make sure you keep getting the support you need and be gentle with yourself about it. Hopefully, you two can learn to accept yourselves and each other. But no matter what happens, you should keep working on accepting yourself as an FA (struggles, guilt and all), that's the part of this you do have control over. And hopefully, your girlfriend will find her way to acceptance of herself too. I wish you both the best. And happy belated birthday, by the way.


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## mergirl (May 31, 2008)

edx said:


> Life is not always easy, either in a good or a bad way. That is, a lot of things are neither and then they lived happily ever after or a bad thing happened, now you have to work on moving on. A lot of times life is something we have to muddle through, and sometimes that muddle just keeps traveling with you, so you have to keep on muddling through some of the same issues again and again and again. Which isnt all bad, but isnt all good either. It is, well, muddled.
> 
> Which is all in service of saying this: I dont mean what I say below as a bad thing. It certainly isnt all good, but it isnt all bad. And to be clear, what Im saying below is based largely on my own experience, but also on discussions with a number of other FA who have gone through this (generally with 10+ years of being together under their belts).
> 
> ...


thank you to everyonce who has written.. My birthday party was last night so i am pretty worse for wear..(my own fault) and i have to go out soon but cant wait to respond on monday. Hmm... i see what you mean ed x.. i suppose though if someone wanted me to be butch..when i couldnt (and i'm really not) i suppose i would say.. well its really not me but maby i could erm..be that sometimes..if you know what i mean..lol..if it turned them on.. but you cant just be or not be fat.. well i guess unless you wore a fat suit!?
erm.. ok my brain cells are all dead.. i will write more when i get the chance.. but thank you all again..
xmer


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## mergirl (Jun 2, 2008)

Tina said:


> Mer, as someone who hated her body, and by extension, herself, for most of my life (until the last 16 years or so), I can relate to how your g/f feels. We women are socialized to dislike our bodies, because when we do, we go out to buy products and surgeries and diet products in an effort to 'fix' them. Fact is, unless we have health matters that need attention, we don't need fixing. But this socialization and brainwashing is a powerful and ubiquitous thing, and sometimes it even flies under our radar so that it has become so ingrained societally that it is often unthinkingly accepted. Until we are aware of it and tell it to fuck off, that is.
> 
> My poor ex. Every day (until things started going bad), he told me he loved me and that I was beautiful. I couldn't see it. I'd look in the mirror and see this part that wanted to cut off, and that part that I wanted to cut off. Violent thoughts really about the precious thing that is my body. Living through the things I did while growing up as a female fat child, adolescent, teen and adult, I learned that fat bodies are unacceptable. A fat person with that mindset who has not found fat acceptance, let alone size acceptance, will often tend to put their self-hatred onto the fatness of others, too, because it's such a terrible burden to bear. It sounds like your girlfriend is there, Mer.
> 
> ...


thanks Tina.. i would rep you..but you are maxed out! Great advise and again wonderful to hear positive stories of personal acceptance.. From all the responses i have had from big women/men its obvious that this is a long slow process, i think especially if you have had few positive experiences from partners etc. Anyway thanks xx


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## mergirl (Jun 2, 2008)

Dr. P Marshall said:


> Hi mergirl. I just wanted to chime in as another member of the board to assure you you are not a monster. In fact, you sound like a very nice woman. And as another FA on the board, I can also assure you, as others have already, that you are not alone in feeling like a monster sometimes. It seems to be something many of us struggle with. Others have offered good advice on your situation with your girlfriend, and I think that, whatever happens, you need to make sure you keep getting the support you need and be gentle with yourself about it. Hopefully, you two can learn to accept yourselves and each other. But no matter what happens, you should keep working on accepting yourself as an FA (struggles, guilt and all), that's the part of this you do have control over. And hopefully, your girlfriend will find her way to acceptance of herself too. I wish you both the best. And happy belated birthday, by the way.


cheers doc! Are you a dr of psychology? lol (if you are i need help with an essay lol) and thanks for the birthday wishes too..

xmer


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## mergirl (Jun 2, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Awww. You're not a monster, Mergirl. You have really pretty hair. And you love bananas liqueur. Remember? Don't get too unhappy  Sounds like you and your GF at least tried to talk, and that's a good thing. Maybe she'll learn to accept herself. After all, if some fat people feel too hot when it's warm, some thin people feel too cold when it's cool. It's just a matter of perspective and about whose experiences you privilege. Whether she wants to lose weight or not--which of course is her prerogative--should not mean that if the two of you love each other, you can't work things out so you're both happy. The key may well be communication and honesty, and it already sounds like you're doing that.
> 
> Good luck.


oh lmao...yes..i remember the bannanna liqueur..haha..
thanks you for liking my hair..it has been in the same style for about 15 years..though various colours..compliments are always nice.. i like yours too..erm very like eraser head! infact the resembelence is uncanny! lol....
"in heaven everything is fine"

xxfrom the girl in the radiator


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## mergirl (Jun 2, 2008)

UncannyBruceman said:


> Then you're loving her from inside a cage. Address this with her NOW, because if you don't, she will stay set in her self-hating ways and YOU will be the one that suffers for it. Sooner or later, you'll get too comfortable with being miserable and you will become something of a statistic; unwilling to let go of an emotionally abusive relationship.


cheers bruce.. yup..I am adressing it now and i think she really does get it..Even in the 6 months we have been together she is less self deprocating (though i'm not sure whether that is because she feels better about herself or that she knows that it hurts me when she does it). I think all relationships need working on though and everyone carries thier baggage with them from past experiences..this is just another example. I have learned from experience now (after some shitty relationships) that sometimes you have to just let go if things are becoming harmful or abusive. I think this is something that can be fixed and i will give it a chance but if it ends up that its something that just cant be then i will think again..
and lol..i ment it what i said about your kilt wearing! you really should just wear then all the time! lol
cheers again squire.

xmer


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## UncannyBruceman (Jun 2, 2008)

mergirl said:


> cheers bruce.. yup..I am adressing it now and i think she really does get it..Even in the 6 months we have been together she is less self deprocating (though i'm not sure whether that is because she feels better about herself or that she knows that it hurts me when she does it). I think all relationships need working on though and everyone carries thier baggage with them from past experiences..this is just another example. I have learned from experience now (after some shitty relationships) that sometimes you have to just let go if things are becoming harmful or abusive. I think this is something that can be fixed and i will give it a chance but if it ends up that its something that just cant be then i will think again..
> and lol..i ment it what i said about your kilt wearing! you really should just wear then all the time! lol
> cheers again squire.
> 
> xmer



Look at ANY bash picture; I pretty much DO wear it all the time.

I'm glad to hear that this thread was useful to you and your partner. The learning process is a slow one; it negates everything she's ever known about her body and what it "should" look like. Having an open mind and being ready to feel like a diva isn't easy, but that's what she's going to need.


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## mergirl (Jun 2, 2008)

UncannyBruceman said:


> Look at ANY bash picture; I pretty much DO wear it all the time.
> 
> I'm glad to hear that this thread was useful to you and your partner. The learning process is a slow one; it negates everything she's ever known about her body and what it "should" look like. Having an open mind and being ready to feel like a diva isn't easy, but that's what she's going to need.


haha brilliant! I have a friend who works in a kilt shop..i would send you a sgian dubh (traditional scottish sock knife!) to add to the authentic scottish look, but erm i might be arrested under the terrorism act!
Yeah..and my girlfriend SHOULD feel like a diva.. she is SO hot!! infact i have no idea why she's with me!! lol .. i would post a pic..but she hates pics of herself...well, one step at a time..haha she was chatting to one of my friends who does a paysite and they asked her if she would model..and her brain nearly exploded so i really need to work on letting me even posting a cute couply pic of me n her on here.. its a shame cause i think we both look so cute! (well she is hot..i'm kinna geeky chique lol).
yes..this all has been really useful..i dont really know any Fa's in real life..though i do have a gay bear chasing friend and a bi-fatual friend.. but they are of no use! lol.. Its nice to know that others have been through the same sort of stuff..yay!

xmer


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## Ernest Nagel (Jun 2, 2008)

Ready for some good news - bad news, Mergirl? I think were monsters only if we don't, at least occasionally, feel the guilt. I'm almost 52 and I have been unabashedly attracted to BBW/SSBBW for nearly 40 years now. Intellectually I understand that I don't make my partner's knees and back hurt. I don't personally make her out of breath and uncomfortable or place her at higher risk of diabetes, heart disease or any number of other weight related conditions and maladies. 

By telling and showing her how wonderfully attractive I find her as a complete package I don't imply that I would like her any less if she were smaller. I always try to support my partner in maintaining optimal mobility and fitness by exercising with her if she likes and providing whatever support she needs in any physical/health challenges.

Still, there are those days and times when I know she will feel excluded, left out or constrained due to her size. There are moments when she will see someone staring, pointing, whispering or giggling that I cannot shield her from. There will always be instances when she is given to think of what her life would be like if she were smaller. This is no matter how well-adjusted she is nor how much her friends, family and colleagues support and respect her. 

Ive stated elsewhere that I have borderline Aspergers syndrome, essentially very high functioning autism. I cant cry but I am still capable of empathy. I understand the importance of a hug, a hand squeeze or a caring moment of eye contact. Words are often pointless and even damaging. A tender kiss, seldom so. I cant imagine that I wont always feel some twinge of guilt that these things are needed? Fortunately it is usually overbalanced by the notion that I can make things just a bit better for her, even if only by sharing a bit of her pain. Sometimes its good just to be there for someone without dwelling too much on why youre there. Size aside, we all need someone to tell us were OK, that were loved and admired, regardless of what we see in ourselves. 

Everything worth having comes at some price. Loving someone utterly and absolutely means we sometimes question if thats whats really best for them. Not having a ready answer shows up for most of us as some version of guilt. The better question is probably what will it take for them to let us love them unconditionally? :bow: JMO and sorry if this doesn't address your point as clearly as I intended.


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## mergirl (Jun 2, 2008)

hmmm..good points, though i think society puts a great deal of pressure on us to FEEL like monsters when it is putting pressure on people to be thin. By society i mean tv shows really! lmao..
indeed, its always good to show how much someone means to you via other ways. Words are only 5% of our communication anyway (or something like that..dont quote me! lol)

demonstrativly monsterous xmer


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## Raqui (Jun 2, 2008)

Dear FA's, You are not monsters. You are a blessing. You happen to be with women who are so influenced by society that they cannot see the beautiful things in themselves. If being fat is not for them maybe they need to lose weight and you then have to find a woman who is perfectly happy being fat and loving it.

There is someone for everyone and you will find that someone. Would you be willing to talk about this. Can I use your stories on my radio show for FA's. Please get back to me I would love for you to let big women out there know that there are men who love them and go through so many emotional complex problems just to love someone as they are. 

Please let me know Raqui

[email protected]


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## Spanky (Jun 2, 2008)

(((((mergirl)))))

And people will tell you that I am NOT a huggy person at all. 

Your first post would be my nominee for post of the year. For so many reasons. You have a keen sense of yourself and your partner. You explained your issue so clearly and concisely in a way few male FAs ever have or could. 

Wow. Really. That could have been written by so many. And you did it so well. 

It also underlines another argument about the Balkanization (splitting-up) of Dims into so many other subsets. To get a female perspective on an issue and feeling so many others have is what is and can be so powerful about this site. The fact that you are female and your partner is female and you have the same thoughts and issues many male FAs have with fat female partners is very comforting. I am not trying to lessen or be ignorant of your pain in this matter. I hope you and your partner can struggle and make it work. But this "brotherhood" of FAs really includes many sisters and this somehow makes it feel like we have a bigger support team to draw on than I first thought. 

Sometimes the fact that the FA is male and the partner is female brings in many male-female relationship issues that may be part of the discussion or end up clouding the real FA issue. Domination, submission, male misogyny, etc, etc. I never really thought of a female-female relationship having the same issues and THEN seeing how a female FA has to deal with it. In the end, you seem to have landed on the same spot. Maybe, maybe not, either way, the post was so good that I had to read it again and again. 

A few tears may have been shed (but I am a guy, I hid them.....)

Maybe I am not a monster either.

All my respect, mergirl. ALL of it. :bow:


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## Dr. P Marshall (Jun 2, 2008)

Spanky said:


> Your first post would be my nominee for post of the year.
> 
> But this "brotherhood" of FAs really includes many sisters and this somehow makes it feel like we have a bigger support team to draw on than I first thought.
> 
> ...



Agreed on all counts Spanky. I really think a lot of FA issues are FA issues, not male issues. As one of the female FAs, I find that I completely understand most of what is posted by the males here. We feel and think much of the same things. There are definitely sisters in "the brotherhood."



mergirl said:


> cheers doc! Are you a dr of psychology? lol (if you are i need help with an essay lol) and thanks for the birthday wishes too..
> 
> xmer



I am not a doctor of anything, actually. But good luck with the essay.


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## Lastminute.Tom (Jun 2, 2008)

I had a friend, this was about hmm, well over a year now, she was living in a new country and had dealt negatively with her self image her whole life, she hated the way she was but she had a strong passion for life that conflicted with the way she saw herself anyway, it was a very traumatic time for her, problems of every kind, I used to talk to her alot over msn, and eventually I encouraged her to post some pictures not showing anything but her face and shoulders on a forum like this if a little more shall we say crude, and the responses she got gave her such an ego boost, it really did, I spoke to her six months later and she thanked me for seeing her that way, it had changed the way she saw herself and she had made a few internet buddies with the others that posted on the site,
thing is, when you're preoccupied with thinking nobody likes you, you don't see those that are checking you out, and they are always there, sometimes a little ego boost is all you need to get back on your feet, back to who you were before society stuck all these lables on you, we're quite vain creatures really and it sure is nice to be told we look pretty


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## mergirl (Jun 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Dear FA's, You are not monsters. You are a blessing. You happen to be with women who are so influenced by society that they cannot see the beautiful things in themselves. If being fat is not for them maybe they need to lose weight and you then have to find a woman who is perfectly happy being fat and loving it.
> 
> There is someone for everyone and you will find that someone. Would you be willing to talk about this. Can I use your stories on my radio show for FA's. Please get back to me I would love for you to let big women out there know that there are men who love them and go through so many emotional complex problems just to love someone as they are.
> 
> ...


*cough* erm.. AND "women" who love them.. lol

xxmer


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## mergirl (Jun 3, 2008)

Spanky said:


> (((((mergirl)))))
> 
> And people will tell you that I am NOT a huggy person at all.
> 
> ...


aww spanky..thank you for your post.. i am a huggy person erm so how do you do that wee computer hug again? ((((((((spanky+mer))))))))) lol.
indeed, i think funtimentally we are all the same, Fa's i mean (but humans too i guess) I think things can get mixed up and confused in all the issues you said, just superfluous stuff that can make it difficult for some male Fa's to post thier feelings a lot of the time ie. miscomprehensions of misogyny (sp) etc.. lol. well the stuff you said. I think it all boils down to the fact that we love big women or big men of course and that is what brings us here to share in our thoughts.. Its always amazing when you read posts from Fa's whether they are male or female, gay, straight, bi and we are all going through so much of the same things. It kinna cuts through all the bullshit and makes you realise that you are not alone in your thoughts, fears, insecurities and worries..
Thanks again for your post and your cuddle which was extra special seeing your not a cuddle monster by trade! lol
now NO man tears!!! lmao (i actually had a wee tear when i read your post..but thats totally socially acceptable cause i'm a silly girl that crys at adverts for homeless cats!!! lmao)

xmer


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## UncannyBruceman (Jun 4, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Dear FA's, You are not monsters. You are a blessing. You happen to be with women who are so influenced by society that they cannot see the beautiful things in themselves. If being fat is not for them maybe they need to lose weight and you then have to find a woman who is perfectly happy being fat and loving it.



And that is VERY hard to do. I can't (and never will) speak for all FA's, but I have done my share in trying to give the extra emotional boost to the women I have dated in the past. It worked for some of them, and for others, the shield just wouldn't come down. In most cases, I've noticed that my exgirlfriends had all vowed to lose weight. I don't question them as to why, because I really don't care, but I'd imagine the mind goes from "I can eat whatever I want and he'll love it" to "shit, he's gone now, I better slim down"; not all of them truly believe in themselves or believe that there are other FA's hiding around in their neighborhood.

Another thing I have noticed is that the sisterhood thing seems to be very helpful. It's one thing to hear "you're beautiful" from your love interest, because you assume it comes with the package. But to hear it from a fellow fat girl? That's something completely different, and probably twice as uplifting. 

This is why I urge everyone here to attend more BBW/FA functions in and around your area. Any man or woman can go in there and be king or queen for a night and never feel so good about themselves and what they are. There's only so much that can be done for size/self acceptance behind a computer.


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## missy_blue_eyez (Jun 4, 2008)

I read the main chunk of this thread and the replies I have seen are lovely. From another fat girl who has experienced probably all of the emotions and self hatred you have noted with your partner Mer I can tell you one thing for sure. It dosent matter what you tell her, how many times you tell her, how many different ways you tell her, heck go draw out a sketch for her and tell her but whatever you do, in the nicest possible way, its not gonna sink in. When someone is so deadset on hating themselves then the only person who is gonna change that is them. 

Your kind words, your love and support are going to help her, but the way she feels is only going to change after she has done some soul-searching. For how long she has probably just been beating herself up about her body, now she has an outlet for it....that being you. 

Until about a year ago I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror, if I knew my reflection was going to be anywhere I would conviniently avert my eyes as to not catch a glimpse of what I thought was this disgusting mass of vileness. I would constantly take it out on my ex, he would tell me how beautiful I was, tell me he loved me the way I was, hold me, kiss me but yet everything he did to make me feel great, I would somehow manage to turn it round into 'Oh my god, you hate how I look' 'You want me to lose weight dont you' 'You dont fancy me.' I was throwing my own hatred into his mouth, in some sadomasochistic way hoping he would reinforce my thoughts and waiting to jump on his back the moment he agreed with me or said something like 'well if you want to lose weight I will help you'. Its just a minefield, I personally was a ticking bomb waiting to fly off the handle at any tiny thing I could pick up on.

I think I just kinda got to a point where I sat myself down one day and had a really good think about the things I was saying/doing. I had slowly started taking more of an interest into the bbw/fa community and started getting to know people who had/have go through these things and gosh, I cant even tell you what it felt like to be with people who understood. As I started to accept myself more, I grew confident, and since I have had this confidence I have never felt so beautiful, so happy and attractive. I can sincerely say it is such a shame that so many other women cant be educated into this way of thought because the media is ruining lives and relationships by crushing spirit within people who are constantly consumed with their image/weight/etc.

The main point I wanted to raise is, YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. Even though some FA's drive me up the wall (the closetted ones) the rest of you, in my opinion are an absolute blessing! You make girls like me feel like we rule the world. Ok, so thats a bit soppy, and yes I also know unfortunately theres not an FA hanging around on every street corner waving the flag for us fatties but just knowing that you are there in the society around us gives me the incentive to strut down the street and wiggle my big bum, rather than slumping down it trying to blend into the crowd. 

Ive kinda gone off point here but, overall I just want to say is that, your girl is gonna have to figure this one out for herself Mer. Some people never figure it out, and will never accept themselves but there is hope. I did, and Im so glad I did. 

Thank you, that is all 

P.S Take her to a bash of some kind!!!! Heavenly Bodies for me was an absolute eye-opener for me!!!!!!!!


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## mergirl (Jun 5, 2008)

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful replies, stories, Pm's etc. It really has ment a lot to me. I'm not sure about where this particular relationship is going (for various reasons, other than the ones i posted here ..hmm long stories). I do think though that this particular relationship will only work if i'm not made to feel constantly bad, weird or sad. I would , of course be accepting and understanding of the general insecutities/baggage that comes with being in a relationship (whatever they were) but i think ive really had to question whether the good will outweigh the bad here..At the moment the "bad" wins.. Though i'm pretty stubourn so would like to see if it can be fixed before it gets written off completely..
I think, as most people will know, there is a difference between loving someone and them being good for you. I thought i learned my lessons on this through previous relationships but sometimes it can be cloudy..
Though last night i was talking to my gf and she admitted to looking through my phone. I have a friend that i had chatted to for years online (it was never anything romantic, she was having probs with her gf about 3 years ago and she wanted some advice and we have chatted on and off since) that came to my birthday party on friday. My girlfriend was really jealous of her. Not that it matters, but she is very tall/thin and not my "type" in other non shallow ways too.. Anyway (there was a whole lot more but i shall get to the crux) My GF admitted that she had checked through my phone because i said told her i got a message from this girl saying "thanks for the party invite etc" and said i responded by saying that "i was sorry i didnt get more time to catch up with her but i hoped i would catch up with her soon" 
My G/F said to me last night something like "you added 2 kisses at the end of her txt and sometimes you only give me one"!!!
it was quite scary mental really..and i told her i felt really pissed off at her lack of trust and a bit sad about it really.. Then she cried and said that she knew she had been behaving mental but it was just because she loved me and was insecure etc..
I dont mean to sound cold..but i think there is only so many times now that she can play the insecurity card.. 
I eventually told her that i was feeling really unhappy..there have been more things like that.. but it would take me a while to write it all..
hmm..
Anyway!! sorry for treating you all like an online diary!! I really just wanted to say Thank you so much for all the support, it has ment a lot to me and i would take you all for a beer if you lived nearer..until then here is a virtual bowl of something (you can pretend it is a beer if you like!):eat1:

love and light xxmer


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## mergirl (Jun 5, 2008)

You may say "ahh but mer, beers arn't chewy" but then you have never drank in a Glasgow pub!!

x


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## Raqui (Jun 5, 2008)

mergirl said:


> *cough* erm.. AND "women" who love them.. lol
> 
> xxmer




Yes I wish some women would also come on. Though a few I contacted havent replied back to me. I am hoping some FA women will come on the show. It seems to me that if a woman says I love big giant teddy bears then it is ok. But let a man say it and people say " YOU CAN DO BETTER" 

I am unsure about it. But why must men always be trying to go after what society deams as sexy and why when women say this is what I like then it is ok?


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## mergirl (Jun 5, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Yes I wish some women would also come on. Though a few I contacted havent replied back to me. I am hoping some FA women will come on the show. It seems to me that if a woman says I love big giant teddy bears then it is ok. But let a man say it and people say " YOU CAN DO BETTER"
> 
> I am unsure about it. But why must men always be trying to go after what society deams as sexy and why when women say this is what I like then it is ok?


hmm i guess there are a lot of social and gender issues at play.. we need a new thred!! I would totally give a FFa perspective on your show..but your listeners would be bored as i would just talk about dawn french and chewy beer!

xmer


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## Raqui (Jun 5, 2008)

UncannyBruceman said:


> Another thing I have noticed is that the sisterhood thing seems to be very helpful. It's one thing to hear "you're beautiful" from your love interest, because you assume it comes with the package. But to hear it from a fellow fat girl? That's something completely different, and probably twice as uplifting.
> 
> This is why I urge everyone here to attend more BBW/FA functions in and around your area. Any man or woman can go in there and be king or queen for a night and never feel so good about themselves and what they are. There's only so much that can be done for size/self acceptance behind a computer.




This only works for somen women. Many others dont trust another woman's opinon because they feel competition. So they wont trust someone who could be telling them a lie to get at the men and be more beautiful than she is.

It really has to be seen as what it truly is. NORMAL and HUMAN. We are meant to be diffrent sizes. With the type of lifestyle we live now Excerise is not neccsary. You have to choose you want to excerise now a days. And given the choice many dont want to. You live in a land of high in fat and calorie food. With processed crap instead of home made.

We dont heave and hoe anymore. Machines do all that work. With the rise of the machines. We sit around and eat mostly the same we did back then when we worked the fields. 

I remember people who are older talking about the old days of stacks of pancakes and buscuits all home made. With a pork or beef steak and 4 eggs on the side. Lots of potatoe and gravy and fresh cold water out the well or milk like frost foam out the cow.

this was just breakfast and had to last giving the worker a solid meal to begin tilling the field on.

we dont even have to cook anymore we microwave something and who knows what is in that because you cant pronouce or spell half the words under ingredients.

We are living in a world who created us and then hates us. Once people understand that maybe we can then think diffrently.


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## MadWeePete (Jun 5, 2008)

Raqui said:


> We are living in a world who created us and then hates us. Once people understand that maybe we can then think differently.



I am not even sure if it is as simple as that. We live in a world that likes to preach about understanding and compassion but then spends it entire time - at least that is how it seems to me - saying that none of us are good enough.

When thinking about the next thing to write I remembered a scene in The Matrix when Morpheous is explaining to Neo what the matrix is. The said that they created a "perfect world" and that it just didn't work. Everyone got bored and so their brains just died. Instead they had to create a world where things were different, but interesting - and so they choose the previous time of 1996.

We could have perfect world where everything and everyone was perfect, or would it be. People would very quickly get bored and be looking for change. We, who are that little bit different from everyone else, for no matter what the reason, are the change - the way the world needs to be. It would just be nice to see some of the compassion from the "perfect" world.

Through some sort of miracle I actually managed to read the rest of the thread in almost one take - had one 20 minute interruption, although was crying after about the 5th post (males do occasionally cry, although much of this was because it made me think about someone I am still trying to get over even after 5 months) It made me think about many things and I could see the struggles that I had. 

In some ways I think it is down to the crude use of terminology in the world today. There are terms that I have seen used here and in other related sites that I do not like - "fat acceptance", "fat admirer", "chubby chaser". The list could go on. The world gives us the opinion that "fat" is bad, and so many of the terms above are then deemed to be bad. Because we have a habit of trying to stereotype people it can be as a result of the use of the stereotype that people are seen as bad, Bad people do evil things and should be in prison. Decent people, just a little different from a what a limited amount of people make it seem society wants, are deemed as having something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with 99.9% of people in the world. It is just a pity that only 0.1% of the world realise this.

The ultimate challenge in this world is the challenge of "self-acceptance." We need to help and guide those who want to accept the challenge, and hope we can help and guide those who no not want the challenge. Once we accept who we are we have a chance to accept the differences in others and as a result remove much of the prejudice in the world today.

It's probably about time I got off my soap box for the evening. As someone once said - "You can keep everyone happy some of the time, and some people happy all of the time but you can never keep everyone happy all of the time". I wonder what part of the above expression my rantings come under.


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## mergirl (Jun 5, 2008)

i dont think human doings can be statisised..said 67% of all statititions..
but then 99% of statistics are wrong!?
lol
matrix analogies aside..its ok to cry..its very cathartic..
i have recieved a lot of messages about this post saying that people were crying while reading it.. 
i have thought about that..maby its through empathy because i was crying when i wrote it..but i think its because its something that a lot/if not all Fa's have felt at some time..Even the most out and proud of us!!..
i think its impossible not to find some demons in a world that can sometimes be so hellish!!

xmer


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## Maziemaus (Jun 5, 2008)

Mer,

I've only just joined the Dimensions forum, mostly because of attitudinal changes that I've made in the last year. So this is an intro post of sorts and also a perception check from the other side.

I've been heavy most of my life from childhood on with a few bouts of dieting to a "normal" size but now weigh the most I've ever weighed - almost 300 lbs. I know that I'm a lightweight in certain circles around here 

My husband and I have an open marriage - a triad, in fact, and I have other lovers besides. I was pretty sure, until recently, that the people I loved who loved me and were attracted to me physically wanted to make love to me kind of from the inside out. What I mean is that they cared for me, the person, and the body was secondary. I had no love for my own body in the past. I pooh-poohed assertations that I was sexy as it's me on the inside they think is sexy not me on the outside.

In the last year I met my first out and honest FA. Now I have someone on my life telling me that they think I'm a fine looking woman and that my soft flesh is so sexy and feminine to them. After a while I had to start re-evaluating my perceptions of myself. Here was someone telling me that he loved me for lots of qualities I have as a person and then added to that was the fact that he thinks I'm da bomb!

It's taken about 6 months or so for it to sink in that maybe I could accept myself a bit more and be less critical of myself. Just in the last few weeks I can feel myself waking up and shaking off fetters that I put on myself. I could go on but it's belaboring the point. 

I realize two things. I am a fine woman in all ways. It's extra special to be loved for all of you, not just your heart.

It takes time to learn that lesson after years of telling yourself, hearing from others, and from western society that we're not accpetable. I'm going to have to lose some weight. My hips will need to be replaced eventually if I don't. I have a 9 year old daughter and a 42 year old husband to keep up with... and my love went as far as to say he'll always love me but if I lost a lot of weight he wouldn't be as physically attracted to me as he is now. That would be ironic.

Mausi


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## mergirl (Jun 5, 2008)

Maziemaus said:


> Mer,
> 
> I've only just joined the Dimensions forum, mostly because of attitudinal changes that I've made in the last year. So this is an intro post of sorts and also a perception check from the other side.
> 
> ...


hmm yes..
you know that alanis morriset song "ironic"
well the whole song isnt ACTUALLY ironic..
"like rain on your weding day".. isnt ironic..just bad luck..
it WOULD be ironic were you a meteorologist and had predicted sunshine on your wedding day..
then when i thought about it..i realised..
she wrote a song about irony that WASNT ironic!!
isnt it ironic!!

lol that was a wee ramble.. but i hear ya..
the more i read posts from Fa's and those who r loved by em..i realise that Fa IS a sexuality.. 
I know that the Fa's will feel like the biggest bastards of the world when they realise that if thier partner lost weight they wouldnt be AS sexually attracted to them..
but it is what it is.. 
and i used the analogy before about a sex change;
if your sexuality was specific to a particular gender and then your partner had an op and changed that...you just might not be able to find them attractive anymore..
You would love them sure..
The journey i have taken in this post has been amazing!!
i have realised, when i wasnt so sure before, that for me at least Fa'ism (in its purest form) IS a body sexuality..and is just as significant and as important as gender sexuality..
And although body size and shape is more transient that gender, Fa'ism just isnt.
You know what..
No way will i feel guilty anymore..
from anyone, fat accepting or not (and i include non fat accepting fat chicks in with that)
if anyone makes me feel bad, wrong, guilty, or perverted because of my Fa sexuality.. its JUST as harmful were they to say the same about my gender sexuality..
and that is that!

xmer


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## Tad (Jun 6, 2008)

Welcome to Dimensions, Mausi! I hope those fetters keep falling off, and you discover all of your magnificance more and more 

I'm not saying you are wrong about losing weight for practical reasons in your life, but I want to add that if you start working with your body, instead of viewing it as a negative, you may find that weight loss is not the only thing you can do. It may be part of it, but investing in really good shoes, working on your overall fitness, and working on getting really in tune with your body so that you know exactly what it can and can't do comfortably may well also make a really big difference. My apologies if you've already done those things....but so often when people don't see the value in their big fat body, they also don't take the best care of it or listen to it as well as they could.

Again, welcome, and I hope we'll hear more from you


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## BlondeBiGuy (Jun 6, 2008)

While i'm not in your situation mergirl, I do know exactly how it feels to feel bad about who you are, and basically, I'd just like to offer some hugs:

*hugs*


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## mergirl (Jun 7, 2008)

BlondeBiGuy said:


> While i'm not in your situation mergirl, I do know exactly how it feels to feel bad about who you are, and basically, I'd just like to offer some hugs:
> 
> *hugs*


Thank you for the huggles..
i dont feel bad about who i am, i just felt bad that what made me feel good could make someone else feel bad..erm if that makes sense?!! But then i suppose no everyone is the same so thats going to happen at times!

xmer


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## BlondeBiGuy (Jun 7, 2008)

mergirl said:


> Thank you for the huggles..
> i dont feel bad about who i am, i just felt bad that what made me feel good could make someone else feel bad..erm if that makes sense?!! But then i suppose no everyone is the same so thats going to happen at times!
> 
> xmer



that's what I meant...I think:doh:


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## mergirl (Jun 7, 2008)

BlondeBiGuy said:


> that's what I meant...I think:doh:


aww..i just replied to your post..
I wish i could just say "aww dont feel bad about yourself" and wave a wee wand and it would all be ok for you.. but unfortuanatly the world isnt quite so magical..and i am not a wizard!..
i know what you mean, and i can empathise with at least some of the conflicts that are going on in your head..
((((((((((((((((mwah)))))))))))))))

xmer


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## goofy girl (Jun 7, 2008)

Every time I started to write a reply here, I found myself going on and on and making it so convoluted that even I couldn't understand what I was trying to say lol. So, to try to keep this short and to the point-You're very dear and sweet. You are not a bad person by any means. A bad person would be someone that would never consider their partners feelings regarding issues such as the ones you have mentioned. 

The people in our lives are here to teach us things, and bring some sort of meaning to us and it sounds like that's what you two are doing for each other.


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## mergirl (Jun 7, 2008)

Thank you. i think sometimes the things we go through that are the hardest usually teach us the most, even if it doesnt feel so at the time! lol
thank you for your thoughtful post.

xmer


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## GoldenDelicious (Oct 12, 2008)

mergirl said:


> My partner and i were watching a show last night called "come dine with me" and there was a women contestant that i said looked really pretty. She WAS a big woman but that wasnt the only reason i thought that. She was wearing traditional African dress and looked really colourful and shimmering. As usual, my partner disagrees because of her size.
> She then said "It makes me feel really unsure about what you find attractive in me when the things you sem to find attractive i despise in myself".
> We had the usual discussion (see countless threads) about how it upsets me when she is mean to other women and in particular big women.
> She said that one of the reasons she didnt find big women attractive is because she knows what it feels like to live as one. She went on to say that it wasnt just an athstetic thing for her but that being her size makes her uncomfortable for much of the time. She talked about getting sore when her legs rubbed together and about feeling uncomfortable and hot especially when it gets warmer. She talked about not being able to do things that she wanted to because of her size and about an activity she couldnt join in with at work that day because her size made it impossible for her.
> ...


Well Well Well what can I say? I'm the one who made her cry. I have only just begun to understand what being an FA is all about, being that I'm a big woman who used to be a smaller woman and had trouble accepting myself. Yes I am guilty of getting mad at Mer and explaining to her in too great a detail the cons of being fat. I am still a very active woman but used to be more active and at the time Mer posted this I had just had to opt out of an activity because of my size being an issue so I was feeling a bit self-loathing at the time. i'm not defending trying to make her feel like a freak for loving on my fat, In fact I might have actually told her she was a weirdo (the shame of me). However it has taken me a long time to fully comprehend that being an FA is a large part of Mer's sexuality. I had this thought in my head that no normal person would be attracted to someone fat like me and if they were then there must be something 'missing'. I had a few bad experiences in past relationships where I was put down and my weight was used as a source of ridicule therefore I couldn't comprehend that someone would love me and find me sexy despite my size or actually because of it. I kept looking for her hairy palms to show but they never did. I told her I found it odd, put her down for fancying me and made her cry. I'm a shit!

We have been together for almost a year now and it is actually only after she wrote this posting (and I made her cry) that she began to fully explain what being an FA meant to her. I have grown to accept my body, although I have to admit I'd prefer to be a little smaller (purely for my restricted adventures). I now believe I am attractive and believe that Mer loves me not just because of my size. She loves me, the person, the woman first and then she loves my body. I know it was the other way round when we first met but often physical attraction is the first thing that draws you to a person and if there is nothing beneath that it fizzles out very quickly. Physical attraction is good, you have to fancy the person and desire them but then you also have to fancy the person and desire them regardless of their looks. Now I am secure in that I am secure that we love and fancy and desire each other I am absolutly lucky to have found my sweet FA.


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## B68 (Oct 12, 2008)

Happy ending... Great!


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## Ruby Ripples (Oct 12, 2008)

GoldenDelicious said:


> Well Well Well what can I say? I'm the one who made her cry. I have only just begun to understand what being an FA is all about, being that I'm a big woman who used to be a smaller woman and had trouble accepting myself. Yes I am guilty of getting mad at Mer and explaining to her in too great a detail the cons of being fat. I am still a very active woman but used to be more active and at the time Mer posted this I had just had to opt out of an activity because of my size being an issue so I was feeling a bit self-loathing at the time. i'm not defending trying to make her feel like a freak for loving on my fat, In fact I might have actually told her she was a weirdo (the shame of me). However it has taken me a long time to fully comprehend that being an FA is a large part of Mer's sexuality. I had this thought in my head that no normal person would be attracted to someone fat like me and if they were then there must be something 'missing'. I had a few bad experiences in past relationships where I was put down and my weight was used as a source of ridicule therefore I couldn't comprehend that someone would love me and find me sexy despite my size or actually because of it. I kept looking for her hairy palms to show but they never did. I told her I found it odd, put her down for fancying me and made her cry. I'm a shit!
> 
> We have been together for almost a year now and it is actually only after she wrote this posting (and I made her cry) that she began to fully explain what being an FA meant to her. I have grown to accept my body, although I have to admit I'd prefer to be a little smaller (purely for my restricted adventures). I now believe I am attractive and believe that Mer loves me not just because of my size. She loves me, the person, the woman first and then she loves my body. I know it was the other way round when we first met but often physical attraction is the first thing that draws you to a person and if there is nothing beneath that it fizzles out very quickly. Physical attraction is good, you have to fancy the person and desire them but then you also have to fancy the person and desire them regardless of their looks. Now I am secure in that I am secure that we love and fancy and desire each other I am absolutly lucky to have found my sweet FA.



Aww what a sweet post. Im so happy that you are feeling better about things now, GD, and that you and Mer have reached a new level of understanding.


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## activistfatgirl (Oct 12, 2008)

God, I love this thread. I'm mimicking others posts, but this hits home so hard for many of us. For me, both as a fatty and as an FA I feel that internal conflict.

GD, please don't be too hard on yourself, either! Many of us have been through a similar process (as lots on this thread have shared), and you're not a monster EITHER for needing or wanting to question FAism. I think its actually quite dangerous for someone to accept it readily without doing personal work to understand how one feels about their fat body just being...themselves. That process has to come from us, first, before we can accept the FA love without regret.

You ladies are awesome, and I'm so glad to have you both in the fat and fa community!


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## GoldenDelicious (Oct 12, 2008)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Aww what a sweet post. Im so happy that you are feeling better about things now, GD, and that you and Mer have reached a new level of understanding.


Thanks Ruby, me too. I wouldn't say I'm totally accepting yet but I'm definately getting there. Mer speaks highly of you, nice to hear your comments


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## GoldenDelicious (Oct 12, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> God, I love this thread. I'm mimicking others posts, but this hits home so hard for many of us. For me, both as a fatty and as an FA I feel that internal conflict.
> 
> GD, please don't be too hard on yourself, either! Many of us have been through a similar process (as lots on this thread have shared), and you're not a monster EITHER for needing or wanting to question FAism. I think its actually quite dangerous for someone to accept it readily without doing personal work to understand how one feels about their fat body just being...themselves. That process has to come from us, first, before we can accept the FA love without regret.
> 
> You ladies are awesome, and I'm so glad to have you both in the fat and fa community!


Thanks activistgirl I appreciate your comments.


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## olwen (Oct 12, 2008)

Wow, GD, your post was awesome. I was actually kind of wondering about this and feeling really bad for Mer. I'm glad you're both working thru it in a positive way.


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## Kacki (Oct 12, 2008)

I will preface this by sincerely apologizing for interrupting the touching and somewhat serious tone of this thread.

When I read the title, I thought it said;

"I made an FA cry last night." :doh:


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## KendraLee (Oct 13, 2008)

GoldenDelicious said:


> Well Well Well what can I say? I'm the one who made her cry. I have only just begun to understand what being an FA is all about, being that I'm a big woman who used to be a smaller woman and had trouble accepting myself. Yes I am guilty of getting mad at Mer and explaining to her in too great a detail the cons of being fat. I am still a very active woman but used to be more active and at the time Mer posted this I had just had to opt out of an activity because of my size being an issue so I was feeling a bit self-loathing at the time. i'm not defending trying to make her feel like a freak for loving on my fat, In fact I might have actually told her she was a weirdo (the shame of me). However it has taken me a long time to fully comprehend that being an FA is a large part of Mer's sexuality. I had this thought in my head that no normal person would be attracted to someone fat like me and if they were then there must be something 'missing'. I had a few bad experiences in past relationships where I was put down and my weight was used as a source of ridicule therefore I couldn't comprehend that someone would love me and find me sexy despite my size or actually because of it. I kept looking for her hairy palms to show but they never did. I told her I found it odd, put her down for fancying me and made her cry. I'm a shit!
> 
> We have been together for almost a year now and it is actually only after she wrote this posting (and I made her cry) that she began to fully explain what being an FA meant to her. I have grown to accept my body, although I have to admit I'd prefer to be a little smaller (purely for my restricted adventures). I now believe I am attractive and believe that Mer loves me not just because of my size. She loves me, the person, the woman first and then she loves my body. I know it was the other way round when we first met but often physical attraction is the first thing that draws you to a person and if there is nothing beneath that it fizzles out very quickly. Physical attraction is good, you have to fancy the person and desire them but then you also have to fancy the person and desire them regardless of their looks. Now I am secure in that I am secure that we love and fancy and desire each other I am absolutly lucky to have found my sweet FA.



I remember when Mergirl wrote this and I am soo happy to see you both have been working on your issues together. I am glad you are learning to accept your body and I do understand where you are coming from about preferring to be a little smaller. I too would prefer to be smaller mostly because I know the difference in the pressure and pain I feel in my knees, feet and ankles is easier to deal with but that doesnt mean I cant love who and what I am and it doesnt mean someone else shouldnt love who and what I am. I am a fat woman with many good qualities worthy of the love of another human being.

Congratulations on learning to accept yourself and the love you and mergirl share for eachother


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## GoldenDelicious (Oct 14, 2008)

Thanks for the supportive responses. I'm sure Mer will agree we both feel lucky to be able to be totally honest about who we are and what we like and admire in each other. She was actually afraid to tell me the full extent of her FA ways but now I actually respect her more for her honesty about it and am so happy she was comfortable and secure enough with me to share something so private and personal. I understand that many fa's dont for fear of ridicule or lack of understanding. and I thought it was the fat people who had it tough.


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## mergirl (Oct 14, 2008)

GoldenDelicious said:


> Thanks for the supportive responses. I'm sure Mer will agree we both feel lucky to be able to be totally honest about who we are and what we like and admire in each other. She was actually afraid to tell me the full extent of her FA ways but now I actually respect her more for her honesty about it and am so happy she was comfortable and secure enough with me to share something so private and personal. I understand that many fa's dont for fear of ridicule or lack of understanding. and I thought it was the fat people who had it tough.


hmmm..well i do think that some things pertaining to sexuality can take time whether you are Fa or not..
I think maby you wouldnt have ran if the first night we met i said something like "hmm...squeeze into somewhere tight please.. twood make me happy!!" lmao!! I'm glad though that you are chattering at Dimensions..i hope you just feel more and more great about yourself!!  mwah mwah sexy lady!! :wubu:


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