# Do any of the BBW's here have times when they feel this way?



## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

In the last few months I've discovered romance/erotic ebooks and I've really enjoyed reading them. What can I say, they're *hot*.  But here lately I've become frustrated because they're making me crave things I don't have in my life. I know they're just books and they exaggerate feelings/desires/relationships, but that doesn't keep me from wanting what I'm reading about. 

To have (or rather, to not have) someone that's crazy about me and that I'm crazy about is well....driving me crazy. That's where the frustration is coming into the picture. Dammit, I want some passion in my life. I don't think there's even one FA in my little town here. Parties and meetings for BBW's and FA's are hours from where I live and difficult for me to attend. 

I've read posts by BBW's who are bold and put themselves out there and I'd love to be like them, but it's difficult when you're a little reserved. I even considered writing this under an anonymous username but decided to just be honest and myself.

Anyway, I'm wondering if there are other BBW's here that have gone through what I'm going through now? What did you do to get through it? Maybe I need to quit reading the damn books, but I have a feeling it's not going to change the way I feel.

Thanks for any advice given.

Teresa


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## Brenda (Apr 19, 2009)

Romance novels make for dissatisfaction whether or not you have a partner. 

Put the book down and go out and meet someone, they are out there.

Brenda


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## Donna (Apr 19, 2009)

I apologize if what I am about to say sounds trite. It may be trite, but it's also true. Real life love and passion does not compare to romance novels. I am a voracious reader and indulge my taste for romance quite often (who, btw, are you reading? Always looking for new authors to check out) So I will be the last person to tel you to quit reading them. If someone told me to quit, I would likely say something very unromantic and unladylike to them. 

I'm also married--so I have the "someone that's crazy about me and that I'm crazy about" and sometimes we just drive each other crazy. When I was single, I recall feeling the way you describe. Sometimes it was maddening, other times it was very depressing, and at other times it was an absolute ache to be with someone. An older married friend told me she understood the "ribbon of feeling" I had and that the more I concentrated on that ribbon of feeling, the more I would ache from it. So I concentrated less on finding romance and love, and more on doing things I enjoyed, making myself happy.

Unlike in books, real world love and romance are complicated. The formula consists of a little bit of luck, a dash of timing, attitude, a whole mess of chemistry and other variables that are unique to each relationship. Events and parties do increase the likelihood of finding someone whose into BBW simply because they identify groups of people. But they aren't the only option. You might just go to the grocery store one day and run into your own Mr Darcy. Live your life and try to make yourself happy. Love yourself, as they say. You can be happy and love yourself without being bold.

That my old married lady advice. I am sure the beautiful, intelligent single ladies around here will chime in and give some more practical advice than I can.

**********************

Just an aside and not directed at the OP: this would be a great thread for a BBW Forum.


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## Fascinita (Apr 19, 2009)

While I think fantasy is natural, I think that indulging in too much of it can keep real life from feeling like it's good enough, and allow all kinds of real relationship skills to go without growing. It's easy to have everything turn out wonderfully when the only "actor" in a "romance" is your brain and when all of the action takes place exclusively in your imagination. 

This isn't a judgment on you, Teresa--I think these are tendencies we all have, especially those of us who are a little shy--and I've definitely been there. For a time, briefly, in my early 20s, I'd say that my main romantic "relationship" was with romance novels. I got out of that what I felt I couldn't pursue in real life, for a number of personal reasons. It was fine for a time, but eventually it began to feel like it wasn't nearly enough. 

Maybe give the fantasy a rest, a little, and pay some attention to the real people around you? Maybe you'll be surprised to find some (or all!) of what you're looking for--not neatly prepackaged as in fantasies, but in a messier yet more exciting, challenging, promising reality. 

Best of luck to you. I hope you find the passion you crave.


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## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

Brenda said:


> Romance novels make for dissatisfaction whether or not you have a partner.
> 
> Put the book down and go out and meet someone, they are out there.
> 
> Brenda



I know romance books are a fantasy. I'm not looking for some guy from a romance novel. Hell, I want someone flesh and blood, not ink and fiber. 

Thanks for your advice.

Teresa


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## goofy girl (Apr 19, 2009)

I think Donna's advice was absolutely the best thing anyone could have said and I completely agree with her. I got married a year ago, and while I love my husband oodles, I was so disappointed that real life love is nothing like "movie love" (I'm more of a movie watcher than reader..although I do love a good book!  ). 

I think that we (everyone in the world) needs to remember that romance novels and movies and TV are there for entertainment, and real life is going to be a lot different from them but much more fulfilling!!


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## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

Donna said:


> (who, btw, are you reading? Always looking for new authors to check out)



A couple I like are Christine Feehan, Maya Banks and Maggie Casper.




Donna said:


> An older married friend told me she understood the "ribbon of feeling" I had and that the more I concentrated on that ribbon of feeling, the more I would ache from it. So I concentrated less on finding romance and love, and more on doing things I enjoyed, making myself happy.



That makes sense and it's actually practical and helpful advice. Your whole post was thoughtful and helped turn my thoughts in a positive direction. Thanks!

Teresa


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## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

Thank you Fascinita. I agree with you about spending too much time in fantasy actually inhibiting your personal growth. It's not that I spend so much time in fantasy, it's that reading these books (which are fantasy, not real and I'm not looking for the fantasy these books portray) make me want what I don't have right now which is a relationship.


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## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

goofy girl said:


> I think Donna's advice was absolutely the best thing anyone could have said ...



Couldn't agree with you more.


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## Rowan (Apr 19, 2009)

i definitely identify with you...id love to have even a fraction of the love and passion that i read about. Not all of us are married or have boyfriends...and of course i can be envious, but i definitely have hope that it will happen for me someday, and i hope for you as well


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## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

Rowan said:


> i definitely identify with you...id love to have even a fraction of the love and passion that i read about. Not all of us are married or have boyfriends...and of course i can be envious, but i definitely have hope that it will happen for me someday, and i hope for you as well



I'm glad I'm not alone in this.


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## thatgirl08 (Apr 19, 2009)

I honestly think a lot of people (regardless of gender and size) feel this way. One of my close (skinny) friends recently said to me (not completely seriously) that she doesn't want to fall in love because she knows it'll be nothing like The Notebook. Romance novels just aren't reality.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 19, 2009)

I used to feel that way growing up. I would watch Babycakes or read Forever and cry my eyes out knowing, oh I KNEW, that would never be me. I would never find that love, never have a romantic kiss, never have a man who lit up when he saw me. At best I'd find a mediocre guy (in all ways) who would merely overlook or tolerate all that is "me".... and I'd be lucky for even that. 


But then I realized I was missing a whole world out here, and then I had those passionate kisses, and those romantic things said to me, and said romantic things back. It was amazing. It was tears all over again because I'd sold myself a bill of goods about all the things I wouldn't have and wasn't worthy of. 

Now, being single and not having any of those things, I do wonder sometimes if I'll ever have them again - seems to be human nature, the "what comes next?" feeling. 

I really hope I do as I love that feeling of connection and sharing and support and all the rest that goes along. The difference now is that the longing is for something I know exists and how it feels, rather than that horrible hollow of feeling I'll never have it. 

So, I wait and look forward to the possibilities.


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## Teresa (Apr 19, 2009)

AnnMarie said:


> So, I wait and look forward to the possibilities.



Possibilities.....that's an exciting word. 

I've had past relationships, but they didn't ring my bell and dammit that's what I *want*! I guess reading these books is bringing it to the forefront. I'm not expecting what I find in romance books in real life, but I know passion *does* exist and that's what I want to find.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 19, 2009)

I go and write my own dirty stories whenever I miss sex too much....it's a nice release really.


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## Keb (Apr 20, 2009)

I know this feeling. It's horrible...and it's really hard to fight without a significant pool of evidence that there are guys who want YOU personally. I've only had a couple brief relationships, so...


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## TraciJo67 (Apr 20, 2009)

Romance novels blow. 

Nobody ever talks about how the insane lust and the worshipful gazes and the beauty of the person that you love starts to falter, flicker, and fade as the years pass and the rose-colored glasses get knocked off your face.

There is nothing real about romance novel love. Nothing.

There's something real in gazing at into the (aging) face of the person that you've been with for a few decades and understanding all of the years of history that got you to this place ... the good, the bad, the very bad, the outright ugly that you see in each other (coz we all have the ugly in our nature) and the intensity of emotion that you felt in the first few years is just a fading memory. All that you're left with is everything you know about that person, and everything that you know about yourself, and if both people are very lucky ... both are willing to set the ugly aside or at least write it off as tempered by what good remains. 

I know that I sound like a cynic, but I'm not. I love my husband, second only to what I feel for my son. And I'm very fortunate to know that the good in him far outshines the bad. What I had difficulty living with, at times, is seeing that ugly part of my own nature reflected in his eyes. 

Passion ebbs & fades. Love, understanding, respect, commitment, a shared history and common goals remains. For me, it is more than enough. But I had to give up the fairy tales and the overly romanticized carp about how true love means finding a knight in shining armor who will make my every dream come true (and I'll never feel lonely or sad or uncared for again). 

Nobody ever told me that I'd fall in love, marry, and that sometimes I'd still feel alone, lonely, anxious, frightened, sad, and overwhelmed. That finding my 'soul mate' ... the one man in the world who can tolerate my shortcomings and understand my quirks ... wouldn't solve any of my problems.

If I were ever single, I'd likely never seriously date again. Casual sex, sure. Get in, get off, get out  But the work ... the hard, grueling, soul-wrenching, energy sapping, excruciating WORK that goes into maintaining a long-term relationship? Not. For. Me. It has all been worth it, getting to where I am now with my husband and our child. I just wouldn't go through it again for anyone else. How's that for romantic?


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## Teresa (Apr 20, 2009)

Thanks for the responses to my questions. It's really interesting the different takes on this. 

I've come away with one solid thing.....lots of people seem to *hate* romance novels.


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## Ruffie (Apr 20, 2009)

TraciJo67 said:


> Romance novels blow.
> 
> Nobody ever talks about how the insane lust and the worshipful gazes and the beauty of the person that you love starts to falter, flicker, and fade as the years pass and the rose-colored glasses get knocked off your face.
> 
> ...



Thank you Traci for summing up what I was trying to figure out how to say. I agree with most everything you have posted, although I would like the hubby to pay attention to me in a "romantic" manner rather than the day to day existence we have as a couple. All I can do is keep the lines of communication open as we work on our 23rd year of marriage. I do not think I would ever remarry again if something were to happen that would leave me single. Its hard friggin work!
Ruth


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## Teresa (Apr 20, 2009)

Ruffie said:


> ...I would like the hubby to pay attention to me in a "romantic" manner rather than the day to day existence we have as a couple. All I can do is keep the lines of communication open as we work on our 23rd year of marriage.....
> Ruth



I sometimes wonder what men would do if they got sex as often as women got romance.


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## TallFatSue (Apr 21, 2009)

Yes, romance books and movies are hot, but fantasy and reality are two very different things (well, maybe not for everybody  ). Hot books fan the flames of passion, and that's what sells. However if I believed them, I would have never known that I'd find romance, passion and the love of my life in a dorm full of nerdy engineers. Talk about looking for love in the unlikeliest of places! Not exactly what people would consider the subject matter for an erotic romance. Come to think of it, I wasn't looking for love there, my Mr. Right just kinda sorta fell into my lap (or at least what lap I have with this belly). But it's my reality, and I've been heels over head in love almost 32 years now, and married almost 27 of them. Another reality is that love is more like an ember than a flame. Passion and romance are well and good, but there's much to be said for the strong bonds of genuine affection. I can't remember the last time Art gave me flowers. However if he insists on regularly giving me ecstatic full-body massages, far be it from me to object. :smitten:


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## AnnMarie (Apr 21, 2009)

Teresa said:


> I sometimes wonder what men would do if they got sex as often as women got romance.




I'm sometimes wonder what men would do if they really knew how often WE want it, but they just aren't going about it the right way. 

Different thread and issue, but seriously... sometimes you want to leave bread crumbs.


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## TraciJo67 (Apr 21, 2009)

AnnMarie said:


> I'm sometimes wonder what men would do if they really knew how often WE want it, but they just aren't going about it the right way.
> 
> Different thread and issue, but seriously... sometimes you want to leave bread crumbs.



Yessssssssssssssss and yesssssssssssssssss and <deep breath> YES YES YES! 

I can only speak for myself here, but many of my women friends seem to also have similar feelings.

I need to build up to it, not be:

1). Woken up from a sound sleep.
2). Waylaid in the 1/2 hour of downtime that I get, after coming home from a long day of work, cooking for & then feeding my child, playing with him, bathing him, getting him ready for bed and then cajoling him into sleep.
3). Offered sex as a compromise after spending half the evening arguing about bills (or in any other kind of unpleasant disagreement).
4). Waylaid first thing in the morning, when what is utmost on my mind is getting ready for work and leaving on time for an early morning meeting.
5). Waylaid, period. Sex is the culmination of events, most of them unrelated to the act itself: Frequent hugs and kisses and kind remarks and sweet gestures ... all done with no expectation that each and every time any physical contact is made, sex is going to be the inevitable outcome. 

And another thing. Most women like to feel energetic, clean, and fresh. What works for me: "Honey, why don't you go spend a few hours at the bookstore/shopping/getting your nails done while I look after the little guy?" ... and when I come home, and the house doesn't look like a tsunami has raged unchecked through it (i.e., laundry has been done, things are picked up, the papoose has been fed and bathed) ... and I have time to take a hot bubble bath, relax and unwind ... I'm far, far more likely to be in the mood for some evening action. 

Again, though, the HOW of it is important too. An evening spent watching TV together, some cuddling and a few kisses here and there, having my back rubbed or my hair stroked -- in other words, get me into the mood. Don't assume that I'm always rarin' to go. That may have been true when I was in my 20's. Not so anymore, and hasn't been so, for about a decade. 

Like you said, Ann Marie ... it isn't that I don't want it. I know that 5 minutes from now, if I approached my husband, tossed aside my (oh, so sexy flannel) nightgown and said, "Take me now!" he'd be thrilled and ready for action. I wish that it worked that way for me too, but ohhhhh man does it ever not. That kind of approach is the antithesis of works for me.


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## Victim (Apr 22, 2009)

I guess that's one good thing about being an FA. We're always willing to be weigh laid.


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## Tau (Jul 8, 2009)

I feel you soooo hard! My dream man is a werewolf LOL! But the advice here is fantastic. Focus on your real life - focus on real flesh and blood men. I surprised and pretty badly hurt myself by falling in love this year. It took me by surprise and it sometimes it hurts so badly its like somebody's burnt all my insides up, but its real. Unrequited, but real... Focus on the real and that empty ache will go away. What will replace it won't be as easy to put away though!


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## Tania (Jul 8, 2009)

Tau said:


> focus on real flesh and blood men. I surprised and pretty badly hurt myself by falling in love this year. It took me by surprise and it sometimes it hurts so badly its like somebody's burnt all my insides up, but its real.



I feel this. I also totally get where the OP is coming from. 

After a crappy, unfulfilling marriage I spent a couple of years buried in what I like to call my "fat, ugly, unwanted girl hole." It hurt to watch others moving on with their romantic lives while I had nothing... and worse, felt that I wasn't pretty enough anymore to deserve what I wanted. So, I threw myself into writing romances (instead of reading them). If only I'd had Dims back then to help me reorient my perceptions!

Gradually, I was able to lose much of the weight and regain some of my lost self-assurance. For the past year or so I've kept myself out there and dated a crudload of guys. It's done wonders for my confidence - now I feel worthy and desired again, which is a complete 180 from where I was at in late 2003. I've also learned that I'm not the cold fish I once thought I was - I *can* love. This transformation hasn't been without its tribulations, though - several months ago I dated a man for whom I fell completely. Things didn't work out and it damn near broke me, but I know that it's worth the continual risk to keep looking for love. Not everyone shares this belief, but I feel that if there's no hope for love, there's no hope for life. I can't give up.


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## Teresa (Jul 8, 2009)

Thanks Tau and Tania. Great responses and good advice.

There HAS been a lot of good advice all through out this thread and I've taken it. Gotten out there, dated some and had alot of fun. I appreciate all those who've taken the time to respond to my original post with openness and heartfelt advice.

Teresa


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## SweetNYLady (Jul 8, 2009)

I used to "pooh pooh" those romance/erotic stories kind of books... thought that they just weren't for me.

Now these days its the majority of what I read! LOL And yes, it does leave me quite frustrated for the lack of romance, love and pure unadulterated sexual encounters-- all of which I don't have in my life these days! 

So what I do about it?... keep reading away of course! lol


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## JerseyGirl07093 (Jul 8, 2009)

Victim said:


> I guess that's one good thing about being an FA. We're always willing to be weigh laid.



LMAO! Victim, you are the king of the one liners! You always crack me up.


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## Tau (Jul 10, 2009)

Tania said:


> ... but I feel that if there's no hope for love, there's no hope for life. I can't give up.



YES! There is no point to a life without love - and I don't just mean non-platonic either. I cannot imagine a life where I'm not constantly surrounded by love, familial, platonic, spiritual. I've actually been thinking hard about it and realise that since I could reason and make decisions for myself my every action - the good ones anyway - have been influenced by love.


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## Ruffie (Jul 11, 2009)

I can so relate to this. Its been an adjustment in my marriage of almost 24 years. When we first got together things were great, he was attentive, adoring and sex was abundant. For the first two years we had what I thought love was all about. Then we had a baby with colic, his alcoholic parents issues came to the surface, job loss, financial worries and well lets face it life happened! We almost split up twice in these 24 years we have been together, but took our vows seriously went to get therapy and worked through things. I discovered through all this that passion waxes and wanes throughout a marriage but its the friendship type of love that holds things together.

I do admit I miss though him holding my hand, putting his arm around me, kissing me goodbye and so on. And I would like sex more often. I have discussed these things with him and he makes an attempt for a while then its back to the old patterns. So sometimes I too look at TV or movies or newly in love couples and say man I wish I had that.


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## katherine22 (Jul 12, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I go and write my own dirty stories whenever I miss sex too much....it's a nice release really.



You have it going on Ms. Caroline. Take that passion and eros that could be spent on a man and do something creative. "We are the ones we have been waiting for."


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 12, 2009)

katherine22 said:


> You have it going on Ms. Caroline. Take that passion and eros that could be spent on a man and do something creative. "We are the ones we have been waiting for."



I also like the way Atlanta Rhythm Section put it, too....

"Imaginary Lovers never let you down..."


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## Just_Jen (Jul 12, 2009)

I'm definately feeling what you mean. Sometimes i wonder if the reason i don't get on with men is because i have too high aspirations from reading too many of these books and falling in love with the characters. 

I don't want to echo what everyone else has said and i can't really give you any other advice. It's sometimes good to have that escapism. I know now that im so lonely and there's no one that wants me and is here it gives me a place to dream and hope and live through the characters. It's just important to keep the feeling of reality when a man does come along. I feel you so hard right now haha because these books are so good and the romances so whimsical that i just want to be whisked away too.


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## OneHauteMama (Jul 16, 2009)

> After a crappy, unfulfilling marriage I spent a couple of years buried in what I like to call my "fat, ugly, unwanted girl hole." It hurt to watch others moving on with their romantic lives while I had nothing... and worse, felt that I wasn't pretty enough anymore to deserve what I wanted.



This is exactly where I am right now. I've been out of a crappy, unfulfilling (in EVERY way) marriage since January and feeling like absolute shit about myself and what I have to offer someone else. I've gained about 20lbs since April and that hasn't helped. 

I find that watching romantic movies and reading romance novels, even listening to music about love, makes me feel like crap because I know it isn't real...those things don't happen. I feel like they really skew the reality of love and relationships. The sunshine and butterflies go away when the rain comes...and you have to realize that you're not going to be all lovey-dovey all the time. Life is hard, marriage and relationships are work. But it's how you work together to get through them that determines how strong your relationship is or will continue to be. 

Honestly, my ex-husband thought I wanted him to be like a leading man in a romantic comedy when all I wanted was for him to acknowledge that I was more than just a fixture in the house or someone for him to father. I don't ask for much, honestly. I don't crave fancy cars or houses or lots of money. Just hold my hand, show that you're proud to be with me, let me know I'm important to you. It's funny, but I think that's what most women want...and it's so simple, yet so hard to come by.


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