# Having 2nd thoughts about relationship and want some judge-free advice.



## FatBarbieDoll (Apr 19, 2016)

I wasn't sure where else online to post my content other than Reddit, but thought this forum would be better due to it being more fat positive.

I am worried that my man does not love me for who I am and is trying to slowly change me. I am worried that I am not enough just as I am, which is an incorrect notion to hold, IMO.

We were chatting away today when we basically got onto the subject of me trying new things; people's tastes change as they age.

Fine -- I totally get that and I agree. What upset me was when he talked about how people should reinvent themselves as they get older and, when I pressed him further, he said that, as I age, I need to eat better and less food because I'll "pack on the pounds."

I really don't eat a lot now -- I usually skip breakfast, have a late lunch and then 2-3 small things later (I'm a night owl, so I stay up much later than he does and, therefore, get hungry). My eating volume is the same or similar to how it was before we moved in together, seeing as my weight has not gone up.

I'm worried that he views me as a project he can gradually mold to his liking, while I feel that, when you're with someone, they ought to love you just as you are; you alone are enough.

Have standards, of course, and preferences/deal breakers are OK, but that's not what this is about because he knew exactly how I was from the start -- no bait and switch here.

I have made compromises with him, which doesn't bother me, but my fear is that I'm not enough, and he will eventually try to completely change me. This makes me feel rejected.

Also, he may be exhibiting red flags, but I'm not sure. He "doesn't allow" me to have any social media accounts because his ex used one to contact another man with whom she wanted to cheat.

One of his huge deal breakers is me working, so he doesn't want me to have a job as long as we're together (he makes lots of money, and spoils me, if it matters).

I asked him earlier and he did imply that I'm enough for him. He has said he wants to marry me and even bought us a house. He claims to be madly in love with me too. He has spent thousands getting my teeth fixed and will pay for my much-desired sterilization.

If I was indeed enough, though, he wouldn't have alluded to people reinventing themselves when they get older because I'd be OK now. 

I don't know...maybe he is ignorantly misguided (we have a huge age gap, BTW).


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## Dr. Feelgood (Apr 19, 2016)

Men and women communicate differently: women are sensitive to the subtexts of messages, whereas men tend to be more literal. You're picking up on messages that he _may_ not be aware he's sending. It sounds as if you need to confront him with what you're feeling and to ask him, point-blank, exactly what he means and what he wants.

FWIW, it sounds to me as if he is a control freak who wants total obedience from you. You say that he wants to regulate your social contacts and to prevent you from working, which keeps you economically dependent on him. If you're okay with this, go for it; if it were me (which, of course, it isn't) I'd run like hell.


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## Tad (Apr 19, 2016)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> FWIW, it sounds to me as if he is a control freak who wants total obedience from you. You say that he wants to regulate your social contacts and to prevent you from working, which keeps you economically dependent on him. If you're okay with this, go for it; if it were me (which, of course, it isn't) I'd run like hell.



^^^^^ that was my feeling from what you wrote, too. But of course what comes out in a post is only a fraction of the full picture, and only you know all of the context. But if on top of the social media control and you now working he resists you seeing friends or family, or generally doesn't like you socializing with others, that certainly would raise red flags for me.


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## Jack Secret (Apr 19, 2016)

Tad said:


> ^^^^^ that was my feeling from what you wrote, too. But of course what comes out in a post is only a fraction of the full picture, and only you know all of the context. But if on top of the social media control and you now working he resists you seeing friends or family, or generally doesn't like you socializing with others, that certainly would raise red flags for me.



Smells like he is far too controlling. I think that his insecurities from his last relationship might possibly poison the relationship between the two of you


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## loopytheone (Apr 19, 2016)

Yeah, what the others said. This sounds like a very controlling and unhealthy relationship to me. 

...for what it is worth, the moment a partner tried to _tell_ me what to do in any context, they would immediately become an ex.


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## dwesterny (Apr 19, 2016)

FYI- Controlling access to social media is often part of abusive behavior. Not saying this is the case, but it might be a red flag. This type of behavior is actually illegal in Britain if it is a sustained pattern.



> The CPS said abuse can include a pattern of threats, humiliation and intimidation, or behaviour such as stopping a partner socialising, _controlling their social media accounts,_ surveillance through apps or dictating what they wear...
> 
> Polly Neate, the chief executive of Women’s Aid, said: “Coercive control is at the heart of domestic abuse. Perpetrators will usually start abusing their victim by limiting her personal freedoms, monitoring her every move and stripping away her control of her life; physical violence often comes later.



http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/dec/29/domestic-abuse-law-controlling-coercive-behaviour


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## Ho Ho Tai (Apr 20, 2016)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> I am worried that my man does not love me for who I am and is trying to slowly change me. I am worried that I am not enough just as I am, which is an incorrect notion to hold, IMO.
> ...
> I don't know...maybe he is ignorantly misguided (we have a huge age gap, BTW).



FBD -

I think that the responses you have received so far are excellent, and from people who are mature long-timers on this board, with lots of life experience. I have refrained from posting in this thread because my comments may seem antithetical and controversial. They are not meant to be - just the comments of an old man whose heart has been broken many times, and finally healed.

Comment 1: Anyone who goes into a long term relationship (especially a love relationship) should always expect to be changed. Mrs Ho Ho and I have known each other for 35 years and will celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary this May. Several years ago, I created this photograph which for both of us typifies the process at work in a loving relationship. You can view it, and the descriptive comments, in this post. 

It combines a photo of the Andromeda Galaxy, overlaid with M.C. Escher's "Drawing Hands" - an impossible image of two hands drawing each other; impossible on paper, but quite likely in love.

Comment 2. I think that one of the greatest comments ever made on the nature of love, is this by C. S. Lewis. I have shared it with many people, over many decades, and realize the truth of it, at least for me.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. 
&#8213; C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Comment 3. This is from an earlier post in which I commented about the role of change in my own life:

"Ah the age-old question: "How do I go about meeting (guys/gals) without getting my head bashed in?" At 78 you might say I'm a creep because I use a cane (back problems and instability). It has taken me three years to get used to all the courtesies extended to my by people of all ages and genders - stepping aside, opening doors, stopping their cars so that I can cross, et c. I am still quite able to open a door, so if someone opens an outside door, I'll wobble ahead and open the inside one for them - with a bow as good as I can muster without falling over.

. . .

The point of all this rambling is that:
1. I empathize with your predicament,
2. Nearly everyone of all genders is on the look-out for someone, unless firmly attached.
3. The best and surest way to get to know someone else is, first, to get to know yourself - your skills, your needs, your motives, and what you may have to offer and share. I've found that one of the best and safest ways to accomplish this is to write - write to others or write to yourself, by means of a diary. Write what is in your heart, then read it to yourself and ask "Is that really me? Do I like the person who wrote this? Do I want to continue to be that person? If not, what do I need to change, and how?"

I found myself doing a lot of this in my early 50s, during a period of great change and stress. That was 25 years ago. Mrs Ho Ho and I just celebrated our Silver Anniversary.

You do the math.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Apr 22, 2016)

I don't know if this is the same you guy you posted about before, but I have two streams of thought.

Just because you love a person does not mean that you think they are perfect. Living together almost always requires adaption in some form or another, and you end up changing behaviour to accommodate. It is true that as you mature (not age per say), you do end up reinventing yourself. It would be odd as an adult to be the same person you were at 6, 12, 18, or even 24. Emotional reinvention is normal. Even physical reinvention is also normal; most 60-80 year olds cannot be as physically as they were at 40, let alone 20. My husband and I have a ten year age gap, and he admits he can't physically get drunk without being sick and hungover; that didn't happen at 30. He can't gorge or eat spicy food without his stomach making him pay for it later. The fact is that most people's bodies do change with age. 

In terms of changing your eating habits...I love my BHM husband; but even I sometimes I have had to pull him back to eat a bit healthier. Over the years, I have encouraged him to indulge in healthier food. Part of being in a long term relationship is staying healthy for each other. Rather than a control statement, it sounds like to me that the comment hit close to home because you are sensitive about your weight and eating habits. And that coupled with OTHER factors, it has triggered a warning bell in you.

In terms of 'not allowing' you to have a normal social life (of which social media is considered a portion thereof) - that is unhealthy, and says more about his not trusting you than anything else. If he trusted you, he may be uncomfortable but would not prevent you from doing it, and may ask for concessions to help him build trust. 

The fact that he keeps you segregated socially as well as financially, to me, speaks volumes. And I hear you talk about how well he treats you financially and how much he claims to love you...but not how much you know he loves you. 

So, if I take your comments at face value; he is controlling, not allowing you a healthy social life. Although he physically provides for you, there seems to be an emotional gap. And because he has complete and utter control over your life, you feel him encroaching on an area you hold sacred, ie food. And because he is your sole source of security, financially and emotionally, you feel you will not be allowed to retain your own sense of identity. If you got too big or your health too poor, would he kick you out? Those questions can also subtly influence how we feel.

If you want to draw a line in the sand at minimum, tell him conversations about your body and food are off limit. Perhaps that IS one of his dealbreakers, and you just are not aware.

Good luck to you, it doesn't sound like the most ideal situation.


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## HereticFA (Apr 24, 2016)

FBD: Run away. Don't fall for his enticements.

This guy is exhibiting the type of behavior that gives regular FA's a bad name. 

Above all else, never let yourself get isolated.


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## FatBarbieDoll (May 3, 2016)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> I don't know if this is the same you guy you posted about before, but I have two streams of thought.
> 
> Just because you love a person does not mean that you think they are perfect. Living together almost always requires adaption in some form or another, and you end up changing behaviour to accommodate. It is true that as you mature (not age per say), you do end up reinventing yourself. It would be odd as an adult to be the same person you were at 6, 12, 18, or even 24. Emotional reinvention is normal. Even physical reinvention is also normal; most 60-80 year olds cannot be as physically as they were at 40, let alone 20. My husband and I have a ten year age gap, and he admits he can't physically get drunk without being sick and hungover; that didn't happen at 30. He can't gorge or eat spicy food without his stomach making him pay for it later. The fact is that most people's bodies do change with age.
> 
> ...



I'm actually comfortable with my body. What bothers me is his bringing it up so much. My weight has been stable and he's made his point about maintaining it.
I get annoyed having to hear about it so much.

Also, I cannot say if he's an FA or not. His ex gained a lot of weight after she loved in to his home, which implies that she was much thinner before they met.

He is certainly attracted to me, though.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 5, 2016)

You're pretty and that age gap is probably making him a bit insecure. 

That said, let me clarify:

His insecurity isn't reallllyyyyyy about you. It's about him. It will consume the entire relationship...and eventually you. 

He's got money and wants to "take care of you". Kinda nice...and I really can see how a girl could dig it. But there is ALWAYS a price to be paid for anything. 

Your relationship with him will change if you marry him. He's thinking long term (IMHO) mentioning "aging" to you. People have pre-conceived notions of what their spouses will/should be. If you feel the attempt to somehow change or "mold" you now... what will the future hold. He's on better behavior when not married to you yet...the problems you have before will become heightened as time goes on. 

Yeah, I know certain things are more "okay" to you when you're younger and unattached/not married. That's what a lot of people think/do... as in "it's all casual". 

If all you want is "easy going" and casual with this man then bully all the way. However, casual and easy has a way of growing more serious and twisted over time. Just keep that in mind.


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## dwesterny (May 5, 2016)

I'm sorry, why does he consider himself in a position to "allow" you anything (i.e. social media)? You are an independent adult. What you do or do not do is based on discussion and compromise not based on him allowing or disallowing.


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## Xyantha Reborn (May 6, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I'm sorry, why does he consider himself in a position to "allow" you anything (i.e. social media)? You are an independent adult. What you do or do not do is based on discussion and compromise not based on him allowing or disallowing.



This^^^^^^


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 6, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I'm sorry, why does he consider himself in a position to "allow" you anything (i.e. social media)? .



I $u$pect he ha$ hi$ rea$on$...


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## Xyantha Reborn (May 6, 2016)

That, Doc, was an awesomely rep worthy response, and has been actioned accordingly.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 6, 2016)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I $u$pect he ha$ hi$ rea$on$...



I'm out of rep for him myself but want to quote for awesomeness.


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## CleverBomb (May 7, 2016)

Can't rep, but LOL @ Dr.F's comment 'cause it's true.


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## bigmac (May 7, 2016)

I don't understand guys who want their ladies to be totally dependant on them. If a woman isn't educated, doesn't have her own career, and generally doesn't bring anything to the relationship other than her body it_* isn't much of a partnership*_.

Partnerships of relative equals are also more stable. Two good incomes allow for lifestyles that few people can support on just one (indeed in some parts of the country two incomes are required for any lifestyle at all). Given that splitting up will hurt *both* parties economically there is a strong incentive to keep the relationship together. Statistics confirm this. For people with at least four year degrees and professional careers marriage rates have been going up and divorce rates going down. The opposite of the trend for the rest of the population. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/27/b...e-markets-looks-at-pressures-on-families.html


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## loopytheone (May 8, 2016)

bigmac said:


> I don't understand guys who want their ladies to be totally dependant on them. If a woman isn't educated, doesn't have her own career, and generally doesn't bring anything to the relationship other than her body it_* isn't much of a partnership*_.
> 
> Partnerships of relative equals are also more stable. Two good incomes allow for lifestyles that few people can support on just one (indeed in some parts of the country two incomes are required for any lifestyle at all). Given that splitting up will hurt *both* parties economically there is a strong incentive to keep the relationship together. Statistics confirm this. For people with at least four year degrees and professional careers marriage rates have been going up and divorce rates going down. The opposite of the trend for the rest of the population.
> 
> http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/27/b...e-markets-looks-at-pressures-on-families.html



I think you need to bear in mind that everybody is different and not everybody feels the same way about things that you do. 

By your standards, I am incapable of being part of a 'partnership' or 'bringing anything to the relationship other than her body*' as I am disabled and my disabilities mean I will never be able to work full time or be able to earn enough money to be financially independent. But that doesn't make me in some way deficient or less than people who can. Just because I can't bring money to the relationship doesn't mean I am not an equal to my partner. 

Also, for me personally, I wouldn't want a person to stay in a relationship with me for financial reasons. To me, that is absolutely horrible. I want a person to stay with me because they love and respect me, not because they might have to give up some luxuries without me. 

*The phrasing here kinda bugs me as well; women can bring more to a relationship than just money and looks. She can bring her compassion, her sense of humour, her love and her charm and a million other things that aren't just financial or physical in nature.


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## bigmac (May 8, 2016)

The United States is a cold cutthroat place -- a place where little regard is given the poor or the weak. I in no way condone this state of affairs. However, since things are unlikely to improve anytime soon (witness the popularity of Donald Trump) it is unwise to rely solely upon one's heart when choosing a mate in America.


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 8, 2016)

loopytheone said:


> *The phrasing here kinda bugs me as well; women can bring more to a relationship than just money and looks. She can bring her compassion, her sense of humour, her love and her charm and a million other things that aren't just financial or physical in nature.



Well put: I'd say each of these qualities is more valuable than money.

I would like to point out, however, that you don't fit bigmac's picture of someone who lacks education and a career: you have both. That you have an excellent education is obvious to anyone who reads one of your posts. And a career is more than just a job: it may start out as that, but it becomes a career when you embrace it and change it, bit by bit, through your contributions. One of the things I enjoy about your posts is your description of your work with animals and the people you share it with. You obviously love what you're doing. And that, as far as I am concerned, makes it your career!


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## Xyantha Reborn (May 8, 2016)

bigmac said:


> The United States is a cold cutthroat place -- a place where little regard is given the poor or the weak. I in no way condone this state of affairs. However, since things are unlikely to improve anytime soon (witness the popularity of Donald Trump) it is unwise to rely solely upon one's heart when choosing a mate in America.




Yes, because Britain knows nothing of class systems, nor marrying for money and power. 

Edit: and yes @ doc!


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## loopytheone (May 8, 2016)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Well put: I'd say each of these qualities is more valuable than money.
> 
> I would like to point out, however, that you don't fit bigmac's picture of someone who lacks education and a career: you have both. That you have an excellent education is obvious to anyone who reads one of your posts. And a career is more than just a job: it may start out as that, but it becomes a career when you embrace it and change it, bit by bit, through your contributions. One of the things I enjoy about your posts is your description of your work with animals and the people you share it with. You obviously love what you're doing. And that, as far as I am concerned, makes it your career!



Thank you, this was really sweet of you to say. I do absolutely love working with animals and I tend to get along well with the type of people who also like that so I hope you are right about it being a career for me! :bow:



Xyantha Reborn said:


> Yes, because Britain knows nothing of class systems, nor marrying for money and power.
> 
> Edit: and yes @ doc!



Hah, very true! And thank you too Xy.


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## bigmac (May 9, 2016)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Yes, because Britain knows nothing of class systems, nor marrying for money and power.
> 
> Edit: and yes @ doc!



Yes, Britain is indeed class conscious. However, Britain (even after all the Conservative cuts) has a far stronger social safety net than the United States. In the United States marriage is increasingly out of reach for ever great portions of the population. Ever larger percentages of the American population are barely able to take care of themselves let alone a family.


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## loopytheone (May 9, 2016)

bigmac said:


> Yes, Britain is indeed class conscious. However, Britain (even after all the Conservative cuts) has a far stronger social safety net than the United States. In the United States marriage is increasingly out of reach for ever great portions of the population. Ever larger percentages of the American population are barely able to take care of themselves let alone a family.



I think it is fair to say that neither of us truly have an in depth experience/understanding of living in the other country so we aren't in a position to draw comparisons. I can assure you, however, that for people my age it is most definitely a struggle to take care of even ourselves. I'm 26 and almost all of my peers either live with their parents or in student-style accommodation (one room in a house with 6-8 others) because they can't get the money for anything else. From my friends that graduated uni with me I believe only one of them has been able to find work; he works part time in a supermarket. And I don't know of anyone my age that is able to afford a mortage or get married and start a family. My 33 year old sister, who is a phD graduate, is unable to find work that pays enough to let her move out from my mother's. So I might not know how it is in america but believe me, people in the UK know how it feels to be barely able to look after themselves.


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## spiritangel (May 9, 2016)

RUN!!!

Not gonna sugar coat this

the No Social Media thing is the start of a very slippery slope, because it is a way of controlling you and also starting to isolate you.

Trust your gut. Your feeling like something is off and that is always something you need to listen to.

The also not wanting you to work is another form of control. It would be diff if yo had expressed that you wish you did not have to work but I have been down this path in some ways

and the red flags your seeing are certainly there for a reason.


As hard as it is your better off getting out now than sacrificing, your health, your self esteem and happiness 

All relationships require compromise HOWEVER I would ask what has the compromised for you?

Whatever you do please be careful.


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