# FA Myth thread # 6



## James (Nov 16, 2009)

_*"Most FAs choose to indefinitely stay in the closet rather than attempt to forge real life relationships with fat people"*_



> *(Please read the following before posting a response)*
> 
> This is the sixth topic for discussion in relation to the FA board project "FA Myths and Misconceptions". It will be discussed for 2 weeks in this thread before being edited and ultimately posted to the FA Myths and Misconceptions sticky.
> 
> ...


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## kioewen (Nov 16, 2009)

*"Most FAs choose to indefinitely stay in the closet rather than attempt to forge real life relationships"*

Hmm. Does this mean, "...rather than forget real-life relationships" _with full-figured women specifically_? Or with women in general?

Isn't this conflating two separate and distinct behaviours? One could be very vocal about one's preference (thus, "out of the closet"), yet still make no attempts to forge real-life relationships.

Conversely, one could attempt to forge real-life relationships, but without acknowledging one's preference for full-figured women (e.g., by having relationships only with thin women), thus staying "in the closet."

What I'm asking is, is this myth actually implying that FAs are socially introverted (avoiding relationships in general)? Or that they are afraid of relationships that demonstrate their full-figured preference (avoiding relationships with BBWs specifically)?


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## James (Nov 16, 2009)

I edited the myth topic in response to Kioewen's question. This myth relates to the idea that most FAs choose to remain in the closet indefinitely rather than live a life outside of it. In my limited experience with knowing closet FAs and 'out' FAs, the ratio is probably 50:50. It would be interesting to hear input from BBWs and BHMs who might have encountered a larger number of FAs than FAs themselves too?


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

i know of a lot of older FAs who have been and still are basically in the closet and have been thier entire lives. younger FAs seem much less likely. but that assumption could be wrong because older FAs prone to have a relationship probably did so a long time ago and the only visible ones might be the guys who are still on the prowl because they've never come to terms with thier FAness. but in general i think it would probably vary from person to person. i'm interested to see what responses would be. James, do you think you could make an anonymous poll to go with?


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## James (Nov 16, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i know of a lot of older FAs who have been and still are basically in the closet and have been thier entire lives. younger FAs seem much less likely. but that assumption could be wrong because older FAs prone to have a relationship probably did so a long time ago and the only visible ones might be the guys who are still on the prowl because they've never come to terms with thier FAness. but in general i think it would probably vary from person to person. i'm interested to see what responses would be. James, do you think you could make an anonymous poll to go with?



Sure  how do you think it should be worded in order to capture the different categories?

Perhaps it could even be as simple as 

a) I am in the FA closet and have no desire to come out
b) I am in the FA closet and would like to come out
c) I am out of the FA closet

what do you think?


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## superodalisque (Nov 16, 2009)

James said:


> Sure  how do you think it should be worded in order to capture the different categories?
> 
> Perhaps it could even be as simple as
> 
> ...



that sounds like a winner to me


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## James (Nov 16, 2009)

ok ... poll started.

should be interesting


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## kioewen (Nov 16, 2009)

James said:


> I edited the myth topic in response to Kioewen's question. This myth relates to the idea that most FAs choose to remain in the closet indefinitely rather than live a life outside of it.



Thank you. I'm glad that this was pinned down early this time. Myth 5 ran off the rails a little, because the "fetish" issue distracted from the core question about whether FAs benefit size-acceptance.

Myth 6 is interesting. I wish I had any input. I don't actually know anyone who is a "FA" outside of myself, except possibly for one fellow, and he married a full-figured woman. So his case, and mine (I've only pursued plus-size girls), are two examples of disproving the myth. A drop in the bucket.

I actually think that the other sense that could be taken from the original question would be interesting in its own right -- i.e., _do FAs have a tendency to be socially introverted_ (to avoid relationships in general)? Maybe some other time.


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## olwen (Nov 17, 2009)

My own personal experience with this is that there are more FAs in the closet than not or rather, it takes a lot longer for FAs to come out of the closet. Any BBW trying to date thru the internet has probably come across several ads from men who want "discreet" relationships, which could mean a number of things all of which amount to dating a fat chick in secret. It seems to me too that younger guys are more likely to be confused and ego driven than older guys who probably have a better sense of who they are, but again, that's only been my experience. I'd be curious to know if BHMs encounter similar issues with online dating.


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## rollhandler (Nov 17, 2009)

I believe that most FAs start out in the closet. I feel that this number is declining with the ability to network with other FAs is so much easier in this day and age. It is easy to find other FAs and realize that the individual is not as isolated in their preference and be able to discuss the preference with others of like minds.
In my opinion it is not so much a matter of being in the closet but at what part of the journey the FA is at and at what level of maturity. Many FAs succumb to peer pressure and date thin trying to fit in but later realize that their tastes run larger than average. 

Some have been out and vocal since they can remember, but some others are truly in the closet and hide at all costs including in their relationships their preference for the larger form. These are the ones that we are dividing.

Some of those eventually mature past the point of being worried about outside influences and date within their preference although they may not be vocal about it, some choose simply not to date at all since they don't wish to deal with the perceived threat of backlash that would result or increase the odds of being caught. 

Some date infrequently hiding the object of their desire behind a closed door. I feel that a lot of these people do mature and eventually come out realizing that their happiness is worth more than the risk of being seen as different.
Rollhandler


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## Tau (Nov 18, 2009)

I think its also an age/maturity thing. Most of the FA's I've known who were in the closet were mainly young men in my generation, slightly younger or slightly older. They would secretly hit on and pursue fat girls but only date and acknowledge thin ones. Most of the older FA's I've encountered (40+) are very out of the closet. 

That said, its all down to individuals and how mature you are and what stage you are at in your own, personal life journey. I've mt 18 years olds who openly declared their love of fat, and 50 year old men who were still ashamed of it.


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## Webmaster (Nov 18, 2009)

For me, it would have been inconceivable to stay in the closet as I've loved and admired fat people for as far back as I can remember. Being with a fat partner makes me happy and fulfilled, puts a smile on my face, and makes me feel whole and home.

That said, I can see situations where matters converge in a manner that will make someone decide to stay in the closet. It's a lonely, frustrating double-life sort of existence that generally has very little upside. This is actually one of the missions of Dimensions, to show young people that it is okay to prefer a fat partner, that there are a lot of people who came out of the closet and lead happy lives, and that the consequences of coming out of the closet may not nearly be as dire as they might think. 



James said:


> _*"Most FAs choose to indefinitely stay in the closet rather than attempt to forge real life relationships with fat people"*_


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## wrench13 (Nov 21, 2009)

What a quaint expression for something like this.. out of the closet. How about .. growing the balls to (openly) date who you like. I frankly dont see why fat chicks stand for these secret date types. If the woman I am with was so shamed by my freckled, troll face that she wouldn't let her friends or family see me, or even the general public, I would be out of that relationship so quickly it would make the carpet runner in her hallway catch fire.


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## superodalisque (Nov 22, 2009)

rollhandler said:


> I believe that most FAs start out in the closet. I feel that this number is declining with the ability to network with other FAs is so much easier in this day and age. It is easy to find other FAs and realize that the individual is not as isolated in their preference and be able to discuss the preference with others of like minds.
> In my opinion it is not so much a matter of being in the closet but at what part of the journey the FA is at and at what level of maturity. Many FAs succumb to peer pressure and date thin trying to fit in but later realize that their tastes run larger than average.
> 
> Some have been out and vocal since they can remember, but some others are truly in the closet and hide at all costs including in their relationships their preference for the larger form. These are the ones that we are dividing.
> ...



i'm not sure that i agree that most FAs start out in the closet. but then that would have to depend on one's definition of an FA. i'm not sure the men in general that i'm thinking of would qualify as an FA. these guys have always been open about being attracted to women who are fat--even super size. they also could possibly be attracted to women who are not. its only now that i'm an adult and have found an online community have i really come across a lot of guys who are in the closet. i had met guys who would try to be secretive about enjoying a fat woman sure. but i always just struck them off as someone i'd never be interested in or ever spend time with that way since there were always so many other boys/men that it was no problem for at all. so maybe i under count closet FAs because i never paid them any real attention? or maybe if he had been in the closet a guy would understand that because of my personality he'd have to step out so i never knew he was in a closet to begin with? i have a lot of friends who are in the closet now-all of whom i met online. i still don't really understand why they are but i have a certian amount of sympathy for thier self imposed angst but not very much. i remember meeting a friend a few years ago from dims who was trying to get out of the closet. it was totally weird being around someone like that. it was so unnatural to me that i refused to ever meet him again even though we were only friends. it made me feel really bad for BBWs and BHMs who encounter that a lot--totally depressing.


*can you delete this its a mispost?*


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## superodalisque (Nov 22, 2009)

rollhandler said:


> I believe that most FAs start out in the closet. I feel that this number is declining with the ability to network with other FAs is so much easier in this day and age. It is easy to find other FAs and realize that the individual is not as isolated in their preference and be able to discuss the preference with others of like minds.
> In my opinion it is not so much a matter of being in the closet but at what part of the journey the FA is at and at what level of maturity. Many FAs succumb to peer pressure and date thin trying to fit in but later realize that their tastes run larger than average.
> 
> Some have been out and vocal since they can remember, but some others are truly in the closet and hide at all costs including in their relationships their preference for the larger form. These are the ones that we are dividing.
> ...



i'm not sure that i agree that most FAs start out in the closet. but then that would have to depend on one's definition of an FA. i know sooo many men who have/had fat SOs and have never had a problem with it. i'm not even sure the men in general that i'm thinking of would qualify as an FA. these guys have always been open about being attracted to women who are fat--even super size. they also could possibly be attracted to women who are not. so it really depends on whose looking as to whether they think they are an FA or not.

its only now that i'm an adult and have found an online community have i really come across a lot of guys who are in the closet. i had met a few guys in my lifetime who would try to be secretive about enjoying a fat woman sure. but i always just struck them off as someone i'd never be interested in or ever spend time with that way since there were always so many other boys/men that it was no problem for at all. so maybe i under count closet FAs because i never paid them any real attention? or maybe if he had been in the closet a guy would understand that because of my personality he'd have to step out so i never knew he was in a closet to begin with? 

i have a lot of friends who are in the closet now-all of whom i met online. i still don't really understand why they are but i have a certian amount of sympathy for thier self imposed angst but not very much. i remember meeting a friend a few years ago from dims who was trying to get out of the closet. it was totally weird being around someone like that. it was so unnatural to me that i refused to ever meet him again even though we were only friends. it made me feel really bad for BBWs and BHMs who encounter that a lot--totally depressing. i always wonder why people latch on to so much shame etc... when it comes to something they like. why are other people's opinions so important? 

i'm really beginning to wonder that for the people who are in the closet is the sense of shame and taboo really a part of the attraction for them anyway? a lot that i have talked to who are in the closet seem to be excited by the darker emotions that come along with thier attraction. i wonder if subconsciously whether they stay in the closet to preserve that sense of the elicit when they get older. maybe the secrecy in and of it self gives them a feeling of power--sort of like when boys discover sexual fantasy porn and mastrubation. its something totally for his own pleasure . even though others might disaprove, they don't know much about it where he is concerned. and, they have no power to take it away from him.


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## musicman (Nov 22, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> i'm really beginning to wonder that for the people who are in the closet is the sense of shame and taboo really a part of the attraction for them anyway? a lot that i have talked to who are in the closet seem to be excited by the darker emotions that come along with thier attraction. i wonder if subconsciously whether they stay in the closet to preserve that sense of the elicit when they get older. maybe the secrecy in and of it self gives them a feeling of power--sort of like when boys discover sexual fantasy porn and mastrubation. its something totally for his own pleasure . even though others might disaprove, they don't know much about it where he is concerned. and, they have no power to take it away from him.




SuperO, I think you may have discovered something significant here. I believe it's well-known that taboos play a large part in sexuality for many people. Yours is the first explanation I've heard for why someone in the FA closet would actually want to remain there (as opposed to those who would like to come out). These deep closet-dwellers could never function in a normal man-woman relationship, so it makes sense that you would find them all over the Internet, but not so much in real life. Like you, I would pity anyone who got seriously involved with them.


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## Blockierer (Nov 23, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> ....
> i'm really beginning to wonder that for the people who are in the closet is the sense of shame and taboo really a part of the attraction for them anyway? a lot that i have talked to who are in the closet seem to be excited by the darker emotions that come along with thier attraction....


As on older FA I admit that the taboo thing and that some people could find my love for fat women ridiculous have always been exciting for me. :shocked:Besides I love holding hands with my wife in public. What people might think about fat admiration is for sure part of the FA excitement.


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## MrRabbit (Nov 25, 2009)

I spent a long time in the closet (and felt very bad in it), and this had nothing to do with the taboo being part of the attraction. I just did not have the confidence to go against societal norms.

I am out of the closet now, but that does not mean I go and tell everyone I prefer big women.
But like Conrad said, staying in the closet simply was not an option for me, unless I wanted to feel miserable for the rest of my life.


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## chicken legs (Dec 7, 2009)

James said:


> _*"Most FAs choose to indefinitely stay in the closet rather than attempt to forge real life relationships with fat people"*_




Hmmm...

Being quiet, reserved, prone to getting lost in thought, and not physically talented....ok I'm a nerd.... has kept me in the "closet" on most of my relationships and it doesnt matter if its intimate or not. Being an admirer of extra large people...those traits really hinder initial contact. In fact i used to run away if the huge dudes showed interest. I felt I didn't have what it took to truely satisfy their needs...and usually I was right. 

It also doesnt help that I like being alone and lets face it.. big folks need others around for help and what not..and pulling disappearing acts usually doesnt help relationships..lol. 

To me being in a relationship with a large person is like taking care of an exotic animal..its a lot more work that having a goldfish.


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