# Help please :( (naughty men)



## Emma (Mar 2, 2006)

Most here know I've started seeing an FA, who I did happen to really like. I know it was wrong of me but when I saw a link on his journal I decided to go on it because I was bored. 
I came across a few posts of his and had a bit of a giggle at some of the things he'd said because they were slightly untrue and I read a few more till I came across a post on a turnoffs thread. 
He said



> I noticed nobody has listed fat people yet. Is this just people being afraid of being called shallow or would you seriously get it on with a big fatty? I think it's great if people are gonna be accepting of fat people, but you just don't see that many lardasses in hot sexual liasons do you? Personally, a girls weight doesn't bother me too much, but there's a limit. I want to go watch a movie with someone that actually fits in the seats y'know?



Ironically when we went to a movie i had a hard time fitting in the seats. I just feel hurt an upset now. I know it comes across as stalkerish me reading some posts but I just wanted to get to know him a little better without reading stuff that he'd typed to me or when he knew I was reading (I do it quite often)

I'm really quite upset. I thought he was different but he's just as nasty as other people when it comes to big people. I'm nearly in tears. What should I do?


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## Tina (Mar 2, 2006)

Personally, if that bit of the blog has a comment section, I'd leave a comment, just so he'd know that I saw it. And then I'd make myself scarce.

I'm sorry, Em. I don't blame you for feeling hurt.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 2, 2006)

Em if what you read is the truth - he's not a nice person. I would ask him about the stuff he writes about fat people - but that's me. If you're not confrontational - just dump his ass.

I'm sorry Em - but you deserve so much better ((Em))


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## Emma (Mar 2, 2006)

I've sent him a text, I know he's at work now but maybe I'll get a responce later. Basically he can fuck off. I guess I feel really worthless if even the people who say they like fat girls can be so horrible about us trying to hide their preferences. Diet time me thinks.


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## Jane (Mar 2, 2006)

And, he may have just been baiting people to see the response he would get.


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## abluesman (Mar 2, 2006)

Em,

I'm sorry you had to suffer through this. But, as I've said in other threads before, there are certain people in this world that are going to be a disappointment to you. A certain number of those people are going to hurt you, just as has happened this time. This is not an excuse for his actions (there is no excuse for what he has done to you), it's just a fact of life. There are many people out there that are "two-faced". Some are harder to recognize than others. 

I know this doesn't make you hurt any less, it's just observations from someone who has been-there, done-that. It's like my great aunt used to say "an asshole is still an asshole. No matter how much cologne he sprinkles on".


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 2, 2006)

Em. don't let someone elses problem make you feel bad about you. Fuck them!!



CurvyEm said:


> I've sent him a text, I know he's at work now but maybe I'll get a responce later. Basically he can fuck off. I guess I feel really worthless if even the people who say they like fat girls can be so horrible about us trying to hide their preferences. Diet time me thinks.


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## Emma (Mar 2, 2006)

I've really never felt so hurt. I mean I know lots of people hate big people. And I know people are mean about us. It just really hurts that even the people who say they like us still jump on the bandwagon and slag us off. 

This is a gay that defends gay people if anyone is mean about them, but HE'S the one who starts the slagging off about fat people.

I actually feel sick.


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## Red (Mar 2, 2006)

Im kind of thinking he was testing the water to see what other people thought of his comments, almost like a challange to see who would agree or disagree with him. 

People, unfortunatley, tend to talk about things that they do not fully understand in a derogative manner just to bring the subject into conversation, so they can then learn more.

Did he write this comment a while ago or recently? If it was a while back Im guessing* he *didnt even know what he liked, so was just fishing around for affirmation. 

Your going to have to find a way to bring up the subject though luv, or its just going to do your head in, until you get so stressed you push him off the top of Blackpool Tower. And you dont want to do that, as it would just be too damn messy!  

Good luck though , let us know how it goes


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## NFA (Mar 2, 2006)

Yeah, I would definetly agree that you have every right to feel hurt by that comment. I do trust it was made before you had the difficulty at the movie theater. His comment was really quite rude and judgemental and I hold a very dim view of individuals who accept some fat people, but reserve hostility for those fat people that aren't to their liking. I'm not saying he must be attracted to any specific person, but his phrasing and approach were clearly judgemental and he's playing the same game of attaching a moral inferiority to those he is not sexually attracted to.

That said, he may not be complete forgone. His attitude is very familiar to me, but I've usually seen it expressed by fat women who hold fatter women in contempt. A lot of people struggle to reject society's fat hating attitudes, even if they get part of the way to accept themselves or this man's case his preferences. The accept enough to suit their needs, but hesitate at going further. Doesn't mean they can't go further if challenged to really examine their beliefs. Maybe he's not worth the effort on your part, but I would at least hope he can better himself at some point should he ever become reflective enough to consider the issue.


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## Emma (Mar 2, 2006)

heh yeah it was quite recent, and I've seen him online on the FA sites and stuff for the past 5 or so years.

He's apologised. But it's not good enough. I'd rather be alone than with someone who thinks of fat people like that.


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## PrettyFatGirl4U (Mar 2, 2006)

If he's written anything on the Net it's free game for all to see so he has no excuse to say it wasn't "for your eyes" and just statement to goad further conversation!

I would confront him with what he wrote and how hurtful statements like that can be, even in jest or to "be one of the crowd".

If he was truly worthy of your company Em, he would not only NOT make statments like that under any circumstances, he should come to your defense!!

Kick this two-face to the curb, Em! You deserve MUCH better!


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## Morganne (Mar 2, 2006)

I am sorry you had to deal with this from a person you liked. The fact is, these are his comments, regardless. He will never respect you , you can definitely do better. I don't think it was wrong of you to see what he had been posting either, it's on the web for the World to see and he knows that. You had a right to know and although it's painful, it's better to know now. The problem with some people online is they like to show their ass trying to seem "cool". That's the impression I am getting off this arsehole. Time to take out the trash.


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## Emma (Mar 2, 2006)

He says I'm overreacting. lol


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## Maryfran (Mar 2, 2006)

Even the way he describes large people is hurtful. 

I agree, tell him to take a hike and hit the road. There's too many other people in the world that will love you for who you are and will not make fun of you.

I remember one time a friend of mine who I thought was a really good friend and who accepted me, told another good friend of mine that if I lost weight, he might consider going out with me.

I no longer speak with either of them.

Life's too short man.


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## Blackjack (Mar 2, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> He says I'm overreacting. lol



Overreacting? What the hell?

He commented negatively on something that happened and you were apparently rather upset about- and he couldn't even say it to your face. He goes and says it behind your back.

You've got every right to be pissed off at this lousy bum.


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## BeaBea (Mar 2, 2006)

If he thinks you are over reacting then that's fine, but dont let him talk you out of your own opinion. You are entitled to your own response to his comments - and if you are hurt and dismayed by them then you have every right to express them.

In my opinion he's an ass and you dont need him in your life if thats what he means by friendship.

Love to All
Tracey xx


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## Emma (Mar 2, 2006)

Blackjack said:


> Overreacting? What the hell?
> 
> He commented negatively on something that happened and you were apparently rather upset about- and he couldn't even say it to your face. He goes and says it behind your back.
> 
> You've got every right to be pissed off at this lousy bum.



No i think you're confused. He said this bout big people before we met in person. Though I think we were talking at the time.


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## Nightmare Culture (Mar 2, 2006)

Hello everyone, I'm the guy that Em is talking about. 

I feel I need to explain a few things, and also if you're going to write me off as a worthless asshole you can do it directly to me now.

Firstly, I love Em with all my heart and soul and always will do no matter what the outcome of this is. Also, I am not anti-fat at all, I'm fat myself, so I have no interest in being derrogatory about larger people. Everywhere I go people seem to think that fat is "bad" and the same old stereotypes get repeated. 

I was therefore quite intrigued that on a board populated mainly by Americans (a country with a notoriously fat-phobic media) nobody had listed fat people as a turn-off. I decided to post that for two reasons. Firstly I thought it would either provoke a reaction from fat-phobes, or from fellow FA's. Secondly, only one person on there knows I'm an FA and he reacted pretty badly when i told him, so I guess I was insecure at the time I posted that, I wanted to "fit in". Surely all larger people have experienced what it's like to feel alienated at some point so perhaps you can understand. 

Now, I fully acknowledge that I should not have tried to be something i'm not. I'm better than that now. I should have just kept my mouth shut completely. However, I feel I must point out that NOWHERE did I say that fat people are bad, or that being fat or liking fat people is anything to be ashamed of. "Oh but you implied it by being dishonest" I hear you saying to yourself. Well let me ask you this: if a gay man lies about his sexuality does that mean he thinks being gay is something to be ashamed of? Do people only lie when they're ashamed? This is why I said she was overreacting. I'm lucky that I've never suffered any severe hasstle about my weight, but I see now that perhaps for someone who has, comments like mine could be seen as hurtful.

I never set out to hurt anybody, I didn't mean to be two-faced (which is obviously how I appear to some of you here.) I certainly didn't mean to lose the person I care most about in the world. I saw in Em something so rare and beautiful, something that made my heart leap and my whole existence feel worthwhile, and I had to ruin it. 

I wish I was dead.


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## Donna (Mar 2, 2006)

Nightmare Culture said:


> I wish I was dead.



Somehow I get the impression you aren't the only one wishing you were dead right now.


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## Morganne (Mar 2, 2006)

Nightmare,
Well, it took courage to post this. I commend you on that. You just can't go through life saying anything you want never thinking there may be a consequence. Now you know there are definitely consequences to your actions. I can only hope you have learned from this. Of course we are going to be empathetic to her issue, we know what it is like. Hopefeully if you really care for this woman, as you claim, you can somehow make an ammends. This is really something you need to prove to her, not us.


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## Nightmare Culture (Mar 2, 2006)

I'm not trying to prove anything to people here, I know you've all already judged me a bad person, so there's no point. I just felt it was right that I should explain.


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## Morganne (Mar 2, 2006)

You wouldn't have done the same under the circumstances? What were we supposed to say? You wanted a reaction, you got reactions.


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 2, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> I'm really quite upset. I thought he was different but he's just as nasty as other people when it comes to big people. I'm nearly in tears. What should I do?



I think you should do what feels best to you. If it were me, I'd be more concerned with how he treats me than with words written in a blog. People change. Perhaps he felt this way at one time, but that was before he met you.


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## BBW Betty (Mar 2, 2006)

Em, I'm so sorry you had to find something like that. How heartbreaking; I can only imagine how you feel right now. (((Em)))


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## Nightmare Culture (Mar 2, 2006)

Morganne said:


> You wouldn't have done the same under the circumstances? What were we supposed to say? You wanted a reaction, you got reactions.



oh i'm not critisizing anyone for having that opinion of me, i'm just saying...


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## Waikikian (Mar 2, 2006)

The gentleman in question (1) has guts for appearing on the board, (2) is no gentleman, and the genuine regret he shows appears tempered by some lingering feeling that everyone, not just CurvyEm, is overreacting.

I would say the reaction is pretty well-judged. There appear to be the seeds of a better man in CurvyEm's ex, but his indiscretion was every bit as bad as the other posters say it is.

FAs often start out too embarrassed to forthrightly tell people what they like. During that transitionary period, when they are turned on by discussion of fatness but lack the courage to say so, there is a great temptation to engage in fat bashing as a "cool" way to bring the subject up. 

I redden with the shame of my adolescence (a long time ago) when I gently teased a girl about her weight to encourage her to talk about it. But I didn't experiment with all the pejoratives this guy used. And I told her she carried it well. The extreme language this guy used is the part that concerns me. A BBW in our society sure doesn't need an "admirer" for whom part of the appeal is license for cruelty. I don't know on the evidence of a couple of posts whether this applies to this fellow.


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## SoVerySoft (Mar 2, 2006)

Waikikian said:


> FAs often start out too embarrassed to forthrightly tell people what they like. During that transitionary period, when they are turned on by discussion of fatness but lack the courage to say so, there is a great temptation to engage in fat bashing as a "cool" way to bring the subject up.



This is very insightful, and I am sure it is pretty common among adolescent FAs. A really interesting point to bring up. Thanks, Waikikian!

Edited to add: Actually, I think that would make a great idea for a thread. I hope you don't mind if I quote you?


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## Vince (Mar 2, 2006)

Gosh, Em blabs her sad story and the guilty party fesses up! Talk about real life drama. You two kids kiss and make up! Don't go spoiling things by making your affair public. People make mistakes. Em, you should know that. Forgive the guy and let him love you. Goodness, me, love shouldn't be discarded so easily. Here is the test: either you want to see him again or you don't. Guys all have to get along and his views are quite common out there. So what? Give him another chance and show what a good person you can be.


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## SocialbFly (Mar 2, 2006)

Vince, while i would never diss a friendship, someone who makes those kind of broad based comments and then acts like it was all a misunderstanding is taking a hurtful stance....words once said, can't be taken back. The man in question may lack a bit of maturity in speaking as he spoke, but it does not excuse his blantant words. Words hurt, and in our society, we don't need to be baited into a discussion of fat people vs non fat people. It should not be tolerated just as any other bias should not be tolerated.

It is the one "ism" that is still socially acceptable, and in my book sizism is no more acceptable to me than is racism, ageism, or any of the other isms that exist. Surely we can get past this some time.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 2, 2006)

Donnaalicious said:


> Somehow I get the impression you aren't the only one wishing you were dead right now.




ROFLMAO!! Donna


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## Vince (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi, Dianna. The hapless guy said those things before he met Em. Seems to me she can educate him now. Gosh, I hope he isn't going to do a search on this forum and read all her past posts!


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 2, 2006)

SocialbFly said:


> Vince, while i would never diss a friendship, someone who makes those kind of broad based comments and then acts like it was all a misunderstanding is taking a hurtful stance....words once said, can't be taken back. The man in question may lack a bit of maturity in speaking as he spoke, but it does not excuse his blantant words. Words hurt, and in our society, we don't need to be baited into a discussion of fat people vs non fat people. It should not be tolerated just as any other bias should not be tolerated.
> 
> It is the one "ism" that is still socially acceptable, and in my book sizism is no more acceptable to me than is racism, ageism, or any of the other isms that exist. Surely we can get past this some time.



Dianna, I so respect you. But respectfully, I somewhat disagree here. People say ugly things, oftentimes for equally ugly reasons (peer pressure, fear, etc). If I wrote people off every time I heard remarks that I find offensive ... well, I'd be surrounded by cats & dogs. To me, the litmus test would be ... is there a pattern here? Does the person in question seem remorseful, and capable of growth?

It seems to me that the guy in question feels bad for what he said. He offered an explanation (not that he owed one to any of us), and expressed regret that Em was hurt by his words. If I found myself in this situation, I'd ask myself if there are other warning signs; in the absence of any other red flags, I'd probably be inclined to give him another chance. Assuming, of course, that I liked him well enough to overlook a woeful lapse of good judgment. I would have to question why a grown man would write something he didn't really believe, based on what appears to be peer pressure (perceived, at that). I'm not sure that I could overcome *that*. But that's just me.


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 2, 2006)

Vince said:


> Hi, Dianna. The hapless guy said those things before he met Em. Seems to me she can educate him now. Gosh, I hope he isn't going to do a search on this forum and read all her past posts!



   :doh:


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## Santaclear (Mar 2, 2006)

The Nightmare guy was a jerk to write what he did in his blog, which of course is gonna be way offensive to anyone who doesn't fit into movie theater seats.

No big deal for the rest of us but Em's got every reason to feel that he's a jerk and it's only natural there will be consequences!


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## Santaclear (Mar 2, 2006)

Vince, why are you even replying on this thread? Most of us already know how you and Em feel about each other.


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## Littleghost (Mar 2, 2006)

Frankly, after all is said and done, it's your opinions and feelings that count. If he makes you feel bad unintentionally on something that important wether it was aimed at anyone or not, then don't be around him. Even if you're scared of not finding someone else, in my opinion (and who am I???) being with someone who has that big a strike against you is worse than nothing. Settling for someone will block the chances of meeting someone you don't have to settle for.

Sorry and good luck and wishes to you,
--Littleghost


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## The Weatherman (Mar 2, 2006)

SoVerySoft said:


> This is very insightful, and I am sure it is pretty common among adolescent FAs. A really interesting point to bring up. Thanks, Waikikian!
> 
> Edited to add: Actually, I think that would make a great idea for a thread. I hope you don't mind if I quote you?



Well, as an adolescent FA myself (no, I'm not underage, I'm 18, but I still feel very much like an adolescent and not at all like I'm an adult...), I have experienced the feelings that waikiki and Em's guy have felt. But I don't think I have done any fat-bashing since I realized I was an FA... before I hit puberty, I used to torment my fat little brother about his weight, but even at 13 I realized it would be a bit hypocritical of me to continue... not that I'm not sometimes tempted, but that's more because he's my annoying little brother than because he's fat  .

And aside from these boards, I'm only 'out' to one person... who I thought was my best friend at the time I told him. He REALLY didn't take it well, which surprised me and hurt me, because he's super-tolerant on all other issues. But bah, then I roomed with him at college and realized that he's a selfish prick who'll do anything to get in a girl's pants and who didn't actually give a damn about me because I lack a vagina... but oh well.

But yeah, I can remember how I'd always feel like I had to pretend to my buddies in high school that I thought various movie stars and Playboy models were 'hot,' when I couldn't have been more bored at the prospect of having to sit through more scantily clad skinny gals gyrating around the screen on MTV. Bah.

sdfsdgashgdsh


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## Vince (Mar 2, 2006)

To Santaclear. What makes you think you know how any of us feel about the other just because you read the boards? Beats me but people here do it all the time. I don't dislike her. She has a lot of spunk and her honesty is second to none! She is refreshing in a peculiar sort of way. What is true is I haven't liked some of the things said by Em to me in posts and vice versa. No big deal.


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## Santaclear (Mar 2, 2006)

Vince said:


> To Santaclear. What makes you think you know how any of us feel about the other just because you read the boards? Beats me but people here do it all the time. I don't dislike her. She has a lot of spunk and her honesty is second to none! She is refreshing in a peculiar sort of way. What is true is I haven't liked some of the things said by Em to me in posts and vice versa. No big deal.



Of course I don't KNOW how anyone feels. I've seen some very nasty exchanges between you two fairly recently, enough that you commenting or giving advice on a thread she's initiated causes a lot of eye rolling, that's all.


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## Waikikian (Mar 3, 2006)

Sorry for the delay in posting, I was away for hours, but feel free to quote any time. I've enjoyed your posts for many years of lurking.

Further on the matter of fat-bashing or fat-teasing as a covert way of spurring talk about an erotic topic, it also works the other way. In my teen years a girlfriend who knew my taste would make a seemingly self-effacing remark, along the lines of, "God, I am getting so fat," precisely because she knew it pushed my buttons.

That verges on off-topic from the original thread but CurvyEm has always struck me as an intelligent lass and I think we've given her a good spectrum of views.


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## Totmacher (Mar 3, 2006)

{{{{Em}}}}

Sorry I got here too late to say anything. Hope you feel better. Hope your friend learns that words can really hurt some people. Hope he's a lot cleverer trying to test the waters without getting a bad reputation next time. Hope you weren't serious about that diet


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## Sandie S-R (Mar 3, 2006)

Em...

I'm really sorry that happened to you. But it sounds like this guy isn't a nice guy. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him that I saw what he wrote, and then tell him to get lost. Life's too short to settle for a jerk, and you deserve better than that. Chin up and hang with your girlfriends until you find a guy that not only likes you, but respects you.


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## UberAris (Mar 3, 2006)

Yeah, I just finished reading your original post, I'm very sorry to hear about this. I agree with Sandie S-R, You deserve better then that and should find someone who respects you. I hope everything works out for ya...


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## PrettyFatGirl4U (Mar 3, 2006)

OK, you're a worthless asshole.

No matter how much you wanted to fit in, you went for it at the expense of a woman you claim to love. Shame on you! 

Loving someone means caring about thier needs and feelings, often before your own, not participating in and egging on a discussion that goes against all you present yourself to be!

And now that you've revealed your own amplitude, your comments are even more insensitive and cruel. 

Yup, worthless asshole.


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## Totmacher (Mar 3, 2006)

Jeeze, cut the kid a little slack. He's obviously got the self-respect of a gnat and all this yelling is either falling on deaf ears or seeping into the lowest reaches of his subconscious to fester and possibly sicken him and everyone he comes in contact with.


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## Vince (Mar 3, 2006)

Gosh, you people don't know this guy or Em for that matter. He is posting here for goodness sake and shouldn't have to read that sort of stuff. A guy posts a few words and is deemed unworthy. Goodness me, it is none of our business. Let those two young adults sort themselves out. We can offer advice but why castigate strangers we don't even know? I certainly don't like reading about it here. It is a stoning and I want no part of it.


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## UberAris (Mar 3, 2006)

> It is a stoning and I want no part of it.



Then don't.

I feel this situation is really between these 2. despite the fact that it is very upsetting. HE needs to completely explain himself. For every action there is a consequence, and this is an inevitable one.

That said, I will say this again, I hope everything works out for you Em. This situation your in is a rough place to be. Count on your friends for help if you find yourself lost.


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## Emma (Mar 3, 2006)

I've started feeling maybe I did over-react a little. These words were said before we met in person. (Though I think we were talking then, we've spoke on and off for about 5 years) We've spoken about it in debth, and though I'm still very hurt and disillusionised, I'm not going to let something said on a messageboard hurt what we have. Though my feelings have dulled towards him somewhat and I think he's got a lot of making up to do.
And if I ever find out he's said things like that while he's with me then it'll be over.
Thanks everyone 

And as for Vince, well everyone deserves a second chance and he offered me real advice so I don't mind if he posts on my threads


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 3, 2006)

Donnaalicious said:


> Somehow I get the impression you aren't the only one wishing you were dead right now.



Oh give the guy a break, _purleeeeeeze_.

 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 3, 2006)

Totmacher said:


> Jeeze, cut the kid a little slack. He's obviously got the self-respect of a gnat and all this yelling is either falling on deaf ears or seeping into the lowest reaches of his subconscious to fester and possibly sicken him and everyone he comes in contact with.



I agree, Totmacher. 

This thread is pathetic. Also, it's a private matter.

:doh: 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## Morganne (Mar 3, 2006)

Curvy Em made the thread public so don't slay the messengers. The guy knew he was wrong, he admitted it and the matter was apparently closed but let's not try to sugar coat it. I will comment on what I want. This is a forum to discuss, stick to your own threads and let us worry about what we want to discuss. This Vince guy is annoying and I don't even know him, you annoy with what you write like some fake do-gooder. Tell me to mind my own business...Puhleeeze. Notice it's mainly men "cutting the slack". Something similiar to what you may have done in the past?


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## Ladyrose1952 (Mar 3, 2006)

*I think that this guy is a two faced jerk and you need to dump him and find you a true FAT loving man that loves you unconditionally!*

*There is no point you dating a man that hides the fact that he really is size discrimating.*


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## NFA (Mar 3, 2006)

Peer pressure stops being a suitable excuse for insensative behavior around age 13. As an adult, it is not inappropriate to expect a person to display some depth and conviction. Failing to do so speaks poorly of one's character and using it as an excuse for one's behavior is especially inappropriate. You may have wanted to fit in, but the only changes why the remarks were bad, it doesn't make them better. Indeed, I'd contend it makes them worse as it exhibits an eagerness to abuse others for one's own personal advancement. I find that to be a far more sour motive than societally induced bigotry. Its one thing to not know any better. Its quite another to know better, and do it anyway.


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 3, 2006)

Morganne said:


> Curvy Em made the thread public so don't slay the messengers. The guy knew he was wrong, he admitted it and the matter was apparently closed but let's not try to sugar coat it. I will comment on what I want. This is a forum to discuss, stick to your own threads and let us worry about what we want to discuss. This Vince guy is annoying and I don't even know him, you annoy with what you write like some fake do-gooder. Tell me to mind my own business...Puhleeeze. Notice it's mainly men "cutting the slack". Something similiar to what you may have done in the past?



Actually, I also wrote that perhaps this man isn't the two-headed monster that some of us are making him out to be. Does that make me a 'hidden' fat discriminator too?

This thread isn't about Vince, and he has every right to post his opinion. As a relatively new person who is unaware of the back stories and histories of Dimensions, I have to say that what I see appears to be a whole lot of bullying -- and Vince is more often than not the target. 

Em has written that she's inclined to give him another chance. It's her decision to make. Speculation and conjecture is free. It costs us nothing emotionally. 

Em - I wish you the best. I hope that this man is worthy of you


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 3, 2006)

TraciJo67 said:


> As a relatively new person who is unaware of the back stories and histories of Dimensions, I have to say that what I see appears to be a whole lot of bullying -- and Vince is more often than not the target.
> 
> Em has written that she's inclined to give him another chance. It's her decision to make. Speculation and conjecture is free. It costs us nothing emotionally.
> 
> Em - I wish you the best. I hope that this man is worthy of you



Excellent post, TraciJo. And yes, the bullying on these boards and in the chat rooms is sometimes breathtaking. It takes a newbie to point it out: how sad is that.

Thanks for contributing.

:bow: 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 3, 2006)

NFA said:


> Peer pressure stops being a suitable excuse for insensative behavior around age 13. As an adult, it is not inappropriate to expect a person to display some depth and conviction. Failing to do so speaks poorly of one's character and using it as an excuse for one's behavior is especially inappropriate. You may have wanted to fit in, but the only changes why the remarks were bad, it doesn't make them better. Indeed, I'd contend it makes them worse as it exhibits an eagerness to abuse others for one's own personal advancement. I find that to be a far more sour motive than societally induced bigotry. Its one thing to not know any better. Its quite another to know better, and do it anyway.



NFA, you are so right.

But the reality is that in many ways, we are just as susceptible to peer pressure now as we ever were. 

Every office has an 'outcast' -- someone that others use as a scapegoat, or as a means by which to measure their own (often lacking) performance. 

I hear professional adults making snide remarks about fat/old/unattractive people on a fairly regular basis. I've seen some of that same behavior here.

Daily, I see evidence that we seldom outgrow some of our baser childhood instincts. We still ostracize the misfits. We are still capable of astonishing cruelty based on a complete lack of empathy. We still fear being alone, or being seen as unworthy or unattractive. Much of our behavior reflects that fear. 

I'm not saying that I'm above any of this; I am just as guilty of some of the above behaviors as anyone else would be. My point is that I believe in giving second chances. I believe that we can learn and grow, and that the process never really ends. 

My father was a mean bigot. In his later years, I watched a remarkable transformation in both his beliefs and his behavior. Before he died, he expressed genuine remorse about mistakes that he'd made in the past. One of those mistakes was his strong disapproval of my marriage to an Asian man. I think that watching my sweet, responsible, kind husband treat his daughter -- and his family -- with love and respect was part of that transformation. When ignorance is exposed, good people have the capacity to learn and grow.


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## NFA (Mar 3, 2006)

I was the first to suggest that he might be redeemable, but that was when I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he actually meant what he said. Knowing that not only did he express bigotry for the benefit of others, but that he feels this should illicit sympathy changes my view entirely. He may yet learn why what he did was wrong, but he won't learn anything as long as he makes excuses for his actions. Doing it out of peer pressure doesn't make his actions better. It makes them much worse. Our culture seems to like to beat the drum of "personal responsibility" only when it is warped into condemning those whose lifestyles you disagree with. When it comes to accepting responsibility for one's own actions and their effects on the people around you, suddenly its all about how you were pressured. There is a point when that stops being an understandable explanation, and that point occurs long before one's 18th birthday. No one else posted that nasty little rebuke against fat people. He did. He is the person responsible for it. Knowing that he did it to please people who "actually" were bigots only makes his actions more reprehensible. Hiding behind peer pressure is no indication of a desire to genuinely learn about the negative effects of his actions.


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 3, 2006)

NFA said:


> I was the first to suggest that he might be redeemable, but that was when I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he actually meant what he said. Knowing that not only did he express bigotry for the benefit of others, but that he feels this should illicit sympathy changes my view entirely. He may yet learn why what he did was wrong, but he won't learn anything as long as he makes excuses for his actions. Doing it out of peer pressure doesn't make his actions better. It makes them much worse. Our culture seems to like to beat the drum of "personal responsibility" only when it is warped into condemning those whose lifestyles you disagree with. When it comes to accepting responsibility for one's own actions and their effects on the people around you, suddenly its all about how you were pressured. There is a point when that stops being an understandable explanation, and that point occurs long before one's 18th birthday. No one else posted that nasty little rebuke against fat people. He did. He is the person responsible for it. Knowing that he did it to please people who "actually" were bigots only makes his actions more reprehensible. Hiding behind peer pressure is no indication of a desire to genuinely learn about the negative effects of his actions.



NFA, while I cannot entirely disagree with what you say, I am glad that I do not see things in such black & white terms. I would have written off many people who have actually turned out to be wonderful friends. 

I am not suggesting that we must repeatedly excuse bad behavior. But how about putting his 'crime' into a little perspective? So he wrote a nasty little snippet about fat people -- a sentiment that he apparently didn't really mean (and if he did, I find it strange that he would be dating a fat woman). He wanted to appear clever & amusing to his group of friends. 

I did not see the post you are talking about; if it's within this thread, then I guess we disagree about his motives for posting. I didn't see him making excuses for his actions. I saw him offering explanations. 

Em will decide if his explanation is good enough. She's the only one he owed it to.


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## Tina (Mar 3, 2006)

I agree with you, Traci. I think what he did on the blog was immature, but him posting here is something he didn't have to do to clear his name, as Emma used no names, but he did it because he obviously cares about Em and feels badly about what he did.



TraciJo67 said:


> Em will decide if his explanation is good enough. She's the only one he owed it to.



Exactly. And while it's true that when something is posted to a board we all have the right to opine on it, ultimately it's up to her to choose whether she feels he is being sincere and if she wants to give it another go.


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## NFA (Mar 3, 2006)

I find no courage in posting his excuse for his actions here. My opinion may not matter with regards to his relationship with Em continuing right now, but he dismisses this as just an "over-reaction" over nothing, then he has genuinely learned nothing and that is quite problematic. If Em has bought into the notion that this behavior is nothing to be upset about and that she is overreacting, then that is a bad thing and I'm not afraid to say that.

I certainly do hope this young man learn to see that his actions were inappropriate and disrespectful and I very much hope that he can be a better man for it. I wouldn't be posting if I didn't want that to happen. But I understand that there is a MAJOR difference between being sorry that he hurt Em and understanding that his actions were wrong and why they are wrong and being sorry for that. I don't doubt for a second that he's sorry he hurt Em, but if he isn't sorry for WHY he hurt her and if he dismisses her feelings as an overreaction, then he will have learned nothing. If he thinks that "peer pressure" is a justifiable excuse for his behavior, then he will have learned nothing.

This is an opportunity for him to examine his behavior and learn to be committed to respecting other people and I dearly hope he takes this opportunity to become a better man. Doesn't matter if it effects my personal life. It effects his and I care about that.


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## Totmacher (Mar 3, 2006)

Weak character can be strengthened, but deliberate malice is virtually insolvent. It's not an excuse so much as an explanation. Now he has to pay his fine and not do it again 'cause the punishment for repeat offenders is far greater.


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## Tina (Mar 3, 2006)

> but he dismisses this as just an "over-reaction" over nothing, then he has genuinely learned nothing and that is quite problematic.



You seem to be pulling words out of fat air, NFA. Please show where here he has said anything about "over-reaction"s as you have seemingly falsely quoted, or saying it was over nothing. 

He seemed to genuinely feel bad and said he'd learned something.


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## Josie and the Wabbits (Mar 3, 2006)

Em, 

Does he treat you well? With respect, affection, and kindness? If he does then giving him another chance is so worth it. When I read all these vicious and cruel posts to your boyfriend it is just mind boggling how warped peoples idea of being wronged is. I understand how you could feel hurt. But you know in your conciense that those comments were not meant to hurt you or any other fat woman. In fact, they really weren't all that vicious. Calling him a worthless asshole and human being is the wierdest thing. So judge him by his works. And if you are going to forgive him. Forgive him all the way. He seems to really care for you. Or maybe he is a masochist? You both are adults... have the grace to not shame him in public. That doesn't make you any better. Yeah you found a blog that said he doesn't want to date immobile woman but you have now created a whole thread on this site that encouraged people bashing him. Poor guy.


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## ripley (Mar 3, 2006)

I don't think Em encouraged people to bash him. She was upset, and in my opinion, wanted validation for feeling hurt. A cyber "there, there <pat, pat>" if you will. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I am curious as to how he found out about this thread, though.

I don't think he was a monster for having done that. Wrong, yes. But I also think Em has a right to ask for sympathy from us if she needs it.


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## NFA (Mar 3, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> He says I'm overreacting. lol



A position Em later claimed to now agree with, offering good cause to think it was a position he continued to advance. But it was certainly a position he is reported to have taken.

I don't see reason to think he is sorry for what he did. Especially not if continued to tell Em that she "overreacted" and if he regards the "peer pressure" bit as a justification for his actions. I think he's sorry Em was hurt by what he did, but that isn't the same thing. The eagerness to dismiss his actions as meaningless and harmless in light of his very cruel motives is quite dismaying and a major cause for concern.


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## Josie and the Wabbits (Mar 3, 2006)

You are right... but my general pissines was directed more at the people who did maliciously bash this guy they know nothing about.


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 3, 2006)

NFA said:


> Doesn't matter if it effects my personal life. It effects his and I care about that.



Hmmmm. I'm afraid I don't believe you. You come across in all your posts as very judgmental and rigid. I ask - rhetorically - why you feel the need to keep hitting the same point over and over...

 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 3, 2006)

Josie and the Wabbits said:


> ...you have now created a whole thread on this site that encouraged people bashing him. Poor guy.



Very well put, Josie. Isn't it interesting how sympathies have switched because of the bashing on his thread? It's like a microcosm of why there's perceived to be so much "fat-phobia" (not my favourite expression) in society, and why so many here take comfort in being victims.

:doh: 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## Vince (Mar 3, 2006)

The Catch 22 of this is that, according to those who disapprove, if Em stays with her Nightmare friend then she is now dating an @ss! Seems to me we should refrain from personal attacks because this is what one unfortunate result can be. It is another reason we should think twice about posting personal stuff on line.


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## EvilBob (Mar 3, 2006)

I think she should stay with him. If not, she should leave him then. 

That should clear it up.


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## Emma (Mar 4, 2006)

Well people don't worry. He's now got the moral highground. And I fear I'm probably dumped for what I did last night. But meh at least I'm honest.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 4, 2006)

And tragedy strikes again. Smell a rat, anyone? Is that a rat? Rat?


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 4, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> And tragedy strikes again. Smell a rat, anyone? Is that a rat? Rat?



The whole incident, up to the current disclosure, just strikes me as unbearably sad.

Why would anyone want to sabotage his/her *own* chances at happiness?


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## thislittlepiggy (Mar 4, 2006)

In our society, we're sent anti-fat messages before we're even old enough to process them consciously. We adopt them before we even understand them. Let's face it, most of us who are fat have struggled with not accepting ourselves, even sometimes hating our fat bodies. So why should we find it so hard to forgive when someone else slips into an anti-fat mindset, especially if he or she acknowledges and apologizes for the wrong?

We in the size acceptance movement have to believe that people can change, that they can learn and be more conscious and more compassionate. In this particular situation, I hope for Em and her fellow's sake that both parties can emerge with a deeper understanding. But more generally, I think we must strive to accept that attitudes can change, that change is a process and sometimes involves some backsliding, and that we must forgive others who have been insensitive to us through their ignorance: otherwise, we slam the door shut to people who might enrich our lives.


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## NancyGirl74 (Mar 4, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> Well people don't worry. He's now got the moral highground. And I fear I'm probably dumped for what I did last night. But meh at least I'm honest.


Em, you don't know me but I'll offer my opinion just as everyone else has. He hurt you and it doesn't matter if the words that did the hurting came from past or present. They still hurt. Aside from that I think we all can think back to a time when we said something stupid that we either didn't mean or regretted later. I'm sure this guy is feeling that way right about now. If the relationship ends because of it then he wasn't strong enough to handle his own mistake and move on. However, if you have been talking for roughly five years maybe he'll come around and you both can move on...perhaps only with friendship. This whole situation is sad but strong people make it through tough times and I'm sure you both will. Perhaps even together. Best of luck.


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## Totmacher (Mar 5, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> Well people don't worry. He's now got the moral highground. And I fear I'm probably dumped for what I did last night. But meh at least I'm honest.



Oh, how'd he manage that unlikely acquisition? You must have had an absolutely brilliant revenge going. If you ever feel like telling I'm curious. 



TraciJo67 said:


> The whole incident, up to the current disclosure, just strikes me as unbearably sad.
> 
> Why would anyone want to sabotage his/her *own* chances at happiness?



I dunno, but in my experience it's relatively common. I've been told it's often out of a fear of change/ uncertianty.


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## Lovelyone (Mar 5, 2006)

I go by the motto "I dont give my precious time to someone that doesnt deserve it". Might work well in this situation. Sorry that you had to go through that.


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## Mini (Mar 7, 2006)

All the drama of a soap opera with none of the sex. Frankly, I'm disappointed.


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## UberAris (Mar 7, 2006)

> All the drama of a soap opera with none of the sex



All the worlds a stage, but the Show shifts from Tragity to Comedy way too quickly.


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 7, 2006)

UberAris said:


> All the worlds a stage, but the Show shifts from Tragity to Comedy way too quickly.



Tragity?! _Tragity?!!!_

Please could all DIMENSIONS posters use a *spelcheker*!!! Thanks! :bow: 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## UberAris (Mar 7, 2006)

Yeah, I'm half asleep here, and my spelling is bad 90% of the time anyway... The puting the two with eachother is NOT a good situation... *insert groggy expression here*


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## RedHead (Mar 7, 2006)

I don't know Em....I think he's sincere. That's my gut...perhaps because I too have gotten caught up in the "mob" mentality I understand how you could get caught up in the anonomity of the internet.

Em; I'm not sure how old you are, but I sense that you are young. It is always easy to believe the worst in people. That way you don't get hurt later on; you can cut out any future hurt right now. I think that it took a lot of guts for him to post here, in this forum. It also takes a man to admit his mistakes; which he did. I suspect he too is young...the statement about wanting to die is very dramatic!

So if you are asking for advice...I say give it a few days, talk on the phone, journal about it and decide if this is really all that big of a thing to lose someone you love over.


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## RedHead (Mar 7, 2006)

TallEnglishman said:


> Tragity?! _Tragity?!!!_
> 
> Please could all DIMENSIONS posters use a *spelcheker*!!! Thanks! :bow:
> 
> :eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:




I happen to like reading phonetically.....spuhlcheekier...is there durekshons?


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## TallEnglishman (Mar 7, 2006)

RedHead said:


> I happen to like reading phonetically.....spuhlcheekier...is there durekshons?



Nope, no durekshons, but plenty of greatfull reedaz arfterwordz  

By the way, Redhead, I liked what you said in your post to CurvyEM the post before last. Wise words indeed.

:bow: 

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## RedHead (Mar 7, 2006)

Thank you kind Sir!


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## Vince (Mar 7, 2006)

Em claims to be about 20. She posted heaps of stuff about her relationships with guys. I think she said she was never loyal to any man. Also that she usually broke up with anyone who liked her. What can I say? I guess there should be a new saying that those who post on the internet will also suffer likewise. 

Anyway, I sooooo dislike these sentimental requests and disclosures then never hear how they ended up. Come on, Em, give us the goodies. We can handle it. As they say in America, "We're rooting for you!"


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## Emma (Mar 7, 2006)

I don't 'claim' to be my age (i'm 21 so you were near enough) 

And how did it all end up? I forgave him for what he did, he forgave me for what I did. I'm going to work really hard on this relationship because I really like him. And I'm not going to do anything stupid like I usually do. 

In short. I over reacted to what he did, and he underreacted (is that even a word) to what I did. But all is well.


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## Vince (Mar 7, 2006)

Good for you, Em. You have a lot of spunk for a young woman. Your honesty might grate but it is refreshing. Heck, hang onto your mutual love because it is quite rare in this world. That is about as good as it gets and I think you already know this.


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## UberAris (Mar 7, 2006)

Best of luck to ya both! Hope everything goes well!


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## Mini (Mar 7, 2006)

UberAris said:


> All the worlds a stage, but the Show shifts from Tragity to Comedy way too quickly.



And it could really use some better writers. And make-up artists. 

And for that matter, I'd really appreciate it if we could all decide to credit ONE director.


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## LarryTheShiveringChipmunk (Mar 7, 2006)

Ladyrose1952 said:


> *I think that this guy is a two faced jerk and you need to dump him and find you a true FAT loving man that loves you unconditionally!*
> 
> *There is no point you dating a man that hides the fact that he really is size discrimating.*




i agree 110% with this! and if you need support (cuz of the confrontation that would have to happen or anything else) we will all be here for you


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## UberAris (Mar 7, 2006)

> And it could really use some better writers. And make-up artists.
> 
> And for that matter, I'd really appreciate it if we could all decide to credit ONE director.



Yeah... I think life was written by the same guy who wrote "Geli" or however you speel that bad Ben Afleck and J-Lo movie...


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 7, 2006)

UberAris said:


> Yeah... I think life was written by the same guy who wrote "Geli" or however you speel that bad Ben Afleck and J-Lo movie...



It's Gigli. Damn Italian names!


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## UberAris (Mar 7, 2006)

freaking vowls...


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## Boteroesque Babe (Mar 8, 2006)

Nightmare Culture said:


> Well let me ask you this: if a gay man lies about his sexuality does that mean he thinks being gay is something to be ashamed of? Do people only lie when they're ashamed? This is why I said she was overreacting.


Cowering and denying are one thing. But to go out of your way to bash fat people? Entirely different animal. This doesn't sound like simple shame, and unless you're 12, it doesn't sound like appropriate immaturity, either. Sounds like weakness of character and aggressive self-loathing.

And I cannot for the life of me figure why you're being applauded as brave for anonymously defending yourself here, once caught. Returning to the scene of the crime, and repairing things there? _That_ might impress me. Until then, you're a fat-basher, and part of the problem. How many FAs did you hurt with your words? How many fat people? You may never know. 

I wouldn't want a person like you anywhere near me, much less holding my hand in a movie theater.


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## Blackjack (Mar 8, 2006)

Mini said:


> And it could really use some better writers. And make-up artists.
> 
> And for that matter, I'd really appreciate it if we could all decide to credit ONE director.



And more musical numbers.


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## UberAris (Mar 8, 2006)

hmmm... musical numbers eh? so would there just be some big outburst of song during Tax session? if so... Count me in on that vote, that would be sweet


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## Power_Metal_Kitsune (Mar 19, 2006)

Nightmare Culture said:


> I wish I was dead.



So do we. Get off our board, you closet case! 

Oh, and Em hon, I don't know you, but if you go out with this lying sack of mofungo again, then you need some esteem counseling because no man would ever get away with that with me and they shoudn't with you either.

I may be "only an 16/18", but many guys still view that as "horrifically" fat, so I know what you're going through. And don't you just love the guys who "see past your size" and "love you for who you are"? 

I don't want someone to "see past" my size, I want someone to love it! And you should too, Em You deserve better. We all do.


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## Emma (Mar 19, 2006)

I'm back with him now. Infact he's in my house (on the toilet lol) I really like this guy. It's not low self esteem. I've met many guys who want to go out with me, but I just don't feel much for them.


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## Power_Metal_Kitsune (Mar 19, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> I'm back with him now. Infact he's in my house (on the toilet lol) I really like this guy. It's not low self esteem. I've met many guys who want to go out with me, but I just don't feel much for them.



Well, if that's what you want. But, personally for myself, I'd send his happy ass packing. Anyone who'd say that kind of thing about big people is not someone I want to hold hands with at a HammerFall concert or a movie or anything else!


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## Emma (Mar 19, 2006)

I'm sorry but if you're going to dump someone over something they did that was stupid before they even met you then you're going to end up a very unhappy lady. I've never liked anyone as much as him and I'm certainly not going to dump him over it.


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## Power_Metal_Kitsune (Mar 19, 2006)

CurvyEm said:


> I'm sorry but if you're going to dump someone over something they did that was stupid before they even met you then you're going to end up a very unhappy lady. I've never liked anyone as much as him and I'm certainly not going to dump him over it.



Apparently you overestimate your own importance and think I care too much about what you do, which I don't. But just because I wouldn't date a guy who has said the horrible and negative things about big women that this guy said does not mean I will end up alone, and even if I do why would that make me unhappy? 

Not to mention, weren't you the one crying over what he said about women who couldn't fit properly into movie seats and that he had called them "fatty lardasses" and said that SSBBWs are never seen in love scenes and who wants to sleep with them?

But by all means, if you like that, go right on ahead and have it. No one said you couldn't. Just don't act all mortally wounded when someone tries to show you support and gives their own opinion, which does not mesh with yours.

Oh by the way, no one told you to dump him. In fact, I thank you for taking him back and getting him off us fellow BBWs' hands. That gives us more time to find actual FA's instead of sniveling little weasels who apologize when you know they didn't really mean it.


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## Emma (Mar 19, 2006)

Oh shut up lol


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## ChickletsBBW (Mar 19, 2006)

i'll drop my 2 cents in here on Em's original post..
ya know.. i have heard that several times before that even some "true fa's" have their limits on how big of a woman they'd want to date/marry etc.

Now, i can understand why they would say this.. however.. he may just like you how you are.. even if you did read that nasty movie seat comment.

But.. you do have right to know.. so i hope things go for the best for you.. if you stay with him or not.

Some people can call themselves an 'FA' however the words they may use at times.. come off crass and are totally hurtful to people of size.
*hugs*
hope you're ok


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## Vince (Mar 19, 2006)

Well, Em, there are good admirers and very bad admirers. The good admirers tell you what you want to hear. The bad ones are honest. The very bad ones are honest and they tell you! I think admirers would be smarter to befriend women who have never heard of all that acceptance bbw jargon. It is one thing to be a large women living among those who don't appreciate and accept you and almost as bad being someone who fancies large ladies. Both lose. 

I find it rather disturbing that so many have these ridiculous standards for others. Where is all that beautiful on the inside stuff we are supposed to find? Seems to me maybe more people should go to church instead of throwing stones. 

What amazes me is that Em in this thread has sorted things out only to find more true believers coming here telling her what to do and feel. Sheesh!


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## Fat Gary NYC (Mar 20, 2006)

ChickletsBBW said:


> i have heard that several times before that even some "true fa's" have their limits on how big of a woman they'd want to date/marry etc.


I'm sure every guy has their limits. I know I do.

The trick to finding _true_ happiness is to be open-minded enough to be able to judge the _entire_ person. Intellectually I believe this to be true but emotionally I don't know if I can apply it to my own life because, unfortunately, I'm one of those guys who hungers so much for love, for affection, for acceptance, that I'll take it from anyone who'll give it to me.

But if you're not _that_ hungry...

:eat1: 

_STOP THAT!!!!!_

er... anyway, if you're not _that_ hungry, then keeping an open mind is the way to go, I think. Big boobs, big bellies, big asses are fine, but how do you pass the time with each other when you're _not_ being sexual?


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## Vince (Mar 20, 2006)

This thread is so much hooey. If a gal has got the goodies then a guy will put up with a crappy personality to be with her. That is what an admirer is! Same goes the other way for the gals. If they fall in love they put with with less than stellar stuff.
 
If a guy really fancies those big pears and meets a gal who is absolutely huge and pretty as well, he will walk over hot coals to be with her. Personality? Yeah, she can be whatever she wants! That is how it works. If you don't believe me look around and notice who goes out with the really nice gals? As often as not they are available while the crabby ones have heaps of guys they are processing!


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## Emma (Mar 20, 2006)

Well I must say now: I think I've finally 'got' vince. I understand his sense of humour now. lol


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## HappyFatChick (Mar 20, 2006)

When I read your first post I wanted to say don't give this guy your power. The power to feel great about yourself should not involve him or anything he says.

But what I'm curious about is this just a friendship? You said "this is a gay who defends gay people...." So this is not a romantic relationship?

Then I saw that he was British and I was going to chalk it all up to that. (Kidding!) Sometimes British people have a sense of humor that is hard to understand.

Finally, I was going to say "NEXT!" I'm not one who is proud of everything she has said on the net, but I would never make fun of the type of person I supposedly admired.

All the best to you whatever you decide. If he is treating you like the goddess you are, maybe he deserves a chance? Or is he just behaving well because he's been busted?


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## Emma (Mar 20, 2006)

hahaha no I meant to write gUy who defends gAy people.


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## OriginalCyn (Mar 20, 2006)

I'd venture to say that what he did was way beyond "naughty."

He, basically, deliberately misrepresented himself to you in order to get you to like him. He's a "cad," not a "naughty boy."

And your having caught him in a lie is not being "stalkerish," it was a spot of luck. Yes, despite your feeling very hurt and betrayed, you are very LUCKY that your skills at being able to uncover people for who they really are are so good.


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## moonvine (Mar 20, 2006)

Vince said:


> This thread is so much hooey. If a gal has got the goodies then a guy will put up with a crappy personality to be with her. That is what an admirer is! Same goes the other way for the gals. If they fall in love they put with with less than stellar stuff.



I am so glad I don't live in your world.


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## Durin (Mar 20, 2006)

My Father has a phrase"

"Opinions are like $&@holes everyone has one."


I could post on this situation but basically what I want to know is wheather the man in question is willing to change or expand his world. Before I knew my wife I did not know the struggles ladies went through. Wheather it was going to the movies, airplane seats, whatever. Is he willing to change and enter your world in order to be with you. Is he willing to change how he thinks and talks about people. If he is then you will know.


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## Jane (Mar 20, 2006)

Em, do whatever makes you happy. However, if you're going to hang your dirty laundry on the line, everyone will comment.

I've been with men that baffled everyone but me. I saw what I wanted to see in them. That's not what the others were looking for. They were looking for a reason to say No, because they cared about me and my happines. I was looking for a reason to say Yes, because I cared about me and my happiness.


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## bigboobsandbelly (Mar 20, 2006)

how long ago was that negative comment from??? maybe he has changed his attitude i would confront him via email and ask him what his TRUE feeling are towards chubby people. If he is truly a jerk it is better to find out now before you invest anymore emotional energy into this relationship.

Good Luck!!!!


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## SoDelicate (Mar 21, 2006)

Interesting thread...

Well having read the vast majority of what is here, save maybe a few sentences...

I thought I'd voice my opinion, not that anyone gives a damn, I just like to watch myself type 

I actually believe him, and his explanation, simply because when I'm *fishing* so to speak for opinions/information, I'll do the same thing, albeit..I have a tendency to use tact when doing so  
Now after moderating on a rather large music site, I realize tact isn't something even damn good writers have at times lol, so although his post lacked a rather large amount of tact...and proper wording, IMO it his story is very feasible.

Secondly...one of the first things he said in his explanation was that he loves her, which he didn't have to do, he didn't have to post at all.

Sure..those are just words, however..if he truely felt that way about lovely larger ladies, this would have been the perfect excuse, scenerio to dump her.
I mean.. why bother going through all the crap in this post, or in reality..if he didn't care about her?

It's not like he's got to save face with any of us who he's likely never met, and likely never will.
Why'd he bother to post then? well I won't assume why, but I will venture a guess, because he does care for her..and she evidently respects some of the folks on this board, and their opinion, and yes, she was hurt.
So...like the post that brought this all on, being online..is fair game for anyone to read, so is his now public apology.

Not everyone is great with self expression of a personal nature, what some folks find very easy..others it's like pulling teeth.


If he's not, and has never been on the larger side of life himself, so to speak..he may not have fully realized how deep a comment like that can hurt, especially from someone you care about, because unless you've been there..
You can't possibly ever know the extent of what BBW's, SSBBW's, BHM , etc..go through at times, in regards to self esteem blowing issue's.
So it may have seemed small to him at the time, like she was overreacting, but I'm more than certian after this post..he realizes it now.

Again...all JMO, take it with a grain of salt, cause I have an asshole too 

SoDelicate


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## Nightmare Culture (Mar 21, 2006)

SoDelicate said:


> If he's not, and has never been on the larger side of life himself, so to speak..he may not have fully realized how deep a comment like that can hurt, especially from someone you care about, because unless you've been there..
> You can't possibly ever know the extent of what BBW's, SSBBW's, BHM , etc..go through at times, in regards to self esteem blowing issue's.
> So it may have seemed small to him at the time, like she was overreacting, but I'm more than certian after this post..he realizes it now.
> 
> ...



I assure you I am on the large side (about 260lbs, i think). I guess i'm just lucky that I've never really suffered and abuse for my size. Maybe i'm just thick-skinned, who knows, I did suffer from low self esteem when I was a child but i got over that somehow.


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## Vince (Mar 21, 2006)

Hey, Nightmare, you and Em sound okay to me. You both have learned a lesson about posting on public message boards, huh? All those people giving moral advice when none is required any longer. It is the self-righteous good people who do the stoning. You and Em sorted things out and people are still coming here giving their advice. When you both challenged them that this was not welcome they got nasty. Well, there you are. If you debate with nasty people you are going to end up looking nasty yourself! My advice is to ignor this thread if you want to have peace of mind.


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