# Some perspective



## jayduhgr8 (Mar 9, 2012)

I am rather new to the site so forgive me if this seems more like a rant than anything else but I have had some things on my mind lately and I figure this is as good a place as any to put it out there and see if I am truly alone in this world or if there are some who think somewhat like I do.

I am 26 years old and have been big a majority of my life. I do not claim to be anything other than what I am, meaning I do not parade myself around as if I was some 150 pound stud. I am a big man and there is really no way around it, but being this size does not define who I am as a person and it seems more and more that the people around me keep trying to make it define me. Dating in my area is just a joke to be honest and I attribute most of it to the fact that: A. I am not a party guy, I am not on the prowl for the best clubs/bars or other places like that. I grew out of that phase in my late teens and early 20s. B. I live a very simple life. I do not want drama, I live in a somewhat small area and all the things I need are relatively close to me so I really do not require much. C. I am focusing on my education right now and its what is most important to my future and for some reason because I am a single man and not working that somehow means that I am not worth anything because I choose to go to school rather than bust my ass for minimum wage pay. D. Probably the number one reason I am overlooked is because of my size and no matter how many people try to sugar coat it or say its because of something else I know for fact its bullshit. Part of me does want to be healthier. I want to be able to be more active and outside in my day to day life, but that is because I miss doing the things I used to when I was younger. Not because I am trolling for a piece of ass. I have posted numerous times on here in the sad sections and I don't want to seem like a downer but living as I do really puts me in a funk that I can't seem to get out of.

I fake smiles and humor so the few people I do see won't know that pieces of me are dying inside. I don't really know what to do though. Like I want to be accepted for who I am. I am tired of being judged by physical things that really have no bearing on the person I am. My weight is indefinitely a part of who I am there is no denying it. But it does not make me who I am, its just a small piece of the total being. Maybe I am just looking for something that isn't there or I am setting myself up for disappointment time and time again. I don't what else to do. I feel lost inside myself. This is one of the few places where at least I know I won't totally be judged by my size. Anyways, enough of my sad rambling on. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Hell even just taking the time to read this means something.

Thanks.....


-Jay


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## vinarian (Mar 10, 2012)

I wish I had remained in school, now I'm one of those wage slaves - though I did have a great paying job in arlington va, now I'm stuck making ten bucks an hour because I don't have a degree, so basically more power to you. Stay in school as long as it takes!


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## nolon2020 (Mar 10, 2012)

As Escapist wrote in another thread meet people and you can meet people outside of clubs. Scuba diving is a good sport for big guys and you meet a lot of people. I just recently finished my diving instructor exam and during my holidays I will work as an instructor. Any sport in the water really and as a good side effect you will loose weight.


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## FishCharming (Mar 10, 2012)

vinarian said:


> I wish I had remained in school, now I'm one of those wage slaves - though I did have a great paying job in arlington va, now I'm stuck making ten bucks an hour because I don't have a degree, so basically more power to you. Stay in school as long as it takes!



check out Almeda University. It's a life experience college that has it's own accreditation board. They even offer employer verification services for life. it wont get you into law school or the cia but as long as you're not a vegetable it should help you find a new job without much trouble.


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## lovelocs (Mar 11, 2012)

There are painful times and painful places in life, and the farther you fall outside of socially accepted templates, the more you seem to have. Keep investing in yourself always: if you can provide for yourself and have a career you're good at and love, then that's one struggle you won't have. As for meeting people, just remember that a few quality people may make all the difference, especially if you don't want drama. Get out and pursue a hobby or two. Take a fun class, or attend some free lectures. You may meet some fun folks there. And keep up the humor, even if you don't always feel like laughing.


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## Melian (Mar 12, 2012)

jayduhgr8 said:


> I am rather new to the site so forgive me if this seems more like a rant than anything else but I have had some things on my mind lately and I figure this is as good a place as any to put it out there and see if I am truly alone in this world or if there are some who think somewhat like I do.
> 
> I am 26 years old and have been big a majority of my life. I do not claim to be anything other than what I am, meaning I do not parade myself around as if I was some 150 pound stud. I am a big man and there is really no way around it, but being this size does not define who I am as a person and it seems more and more that the people around me keep trying to make it define me. Dating in my area is just a joke to be honest and I attribute most of it to the fact that: A. I am not a party guy, I am not on the prowl for the best clubs/bars or other places like that. I grew out of that phase in my late teens and early 20s. B. I live a very simple life. I do not want drama, I live in a somewhat small area and all the things I need are relatively close to me so I really do not require much. C. I am focusing on my education right now and its what is most important to my future and for some reason because I am a single man and not working that somehow means that I am not worth anything because I choose to go to school rather than bust my ass for minimum wage pay. D. Probably the number one reason I am overlooked is because of my size and no matter how many people try to sugar coat it or say its because of something else I know for fact its bullshit. Part of me does want to be healthier. I want to be able to be more active and outside in my day to day life, but that is because I miss doing the things I used to when I was younger. Not because I am trolling for a piece of ass. I have posted numerous times on here in the sad sections and I don't want to seem like a downer but living as I do really puts me in a funk that I can't seem to get out of.
> 
> ...



Jay, as someone who has been in university for nearly ten years now, I fully understand what you're saying about the job vs school issue. What are you studying? If you're in the sciences, you will have plenty of opportunities to build a great reputation without being judged on your appearance (much...). Your papers and titles speak for themselves, and I find that community is fairly accepting - when I meet someone who has only read my papers or corresponded via email, they are usually shocked at first, since I am not what they were expecting, but the shock doesn't last very long. Whatever you are studying, you can always get involved with departmental committees and clubs, and perhaps you'll meet others who share your interests.

Your other problem, ie. meeting women, will probably take some effort on your part to remedy. You mentioned being bored with clubs, and that is totally understandable, but I'd still recommend going out 2-3 times per month with friends, just for the socialization. There are tons of people who go to clubs because they are looking to meet people, not because they love being there, so use this to your advantage. I met my husband at a club, even though we are both fairly antisocial and love to stay home watching zombie movies and gaming. Or maybe instead of a club, you could just try to hit a few parties, hell, throw your own party featuring the music, food, atmosphere and company that you like - a woman who is happy in that environment could be a good match for you.

Good luck, and feel free to rant as much as you want around here.


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## PandaGeek (Mar 12, 2012)

Jay, I understand your pain. I find myself lost a lot of the time as well, I'm generally depressed and upset but I put on the fake smiles as well, for my friends and family because I don't want them to know how much I hurt. And it sucks. I've been losing weight, some of it is trying and some of it is the depression, but I know I'll always be a big guy to, and I also have no idea on how to meet women. 

I've been trying to just be happier with myself, because I figure that if I can't be happy with me, then I'll have little chance of being happy with someone else. You can also throw on a ton of trust issues I'm burdened with at this point... and yeah, it makes things difficult. 

I don't really have advice to offer, but I'll tell you this much... you aren't alone man. Keep up with the schooling, get your education and worry about the other stuff later. Hang in there.


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## fritzi (Mar 12, 2012)

Jay, I can only second what Melian says: Getting out of your comfort zone every once in a while is asked for. Personal experience - most events I loathed going to turned out better than expected.

But I'd like to add a different perspective: Who ever gave you the idea that working is better than getting a good education ??? 

Most woman take a smart, educated guy over a bum any day! (and that's no secret)

So maybe you should try different social circles for a change - the people you've been trying to get in touch with don't seem worth your attention. Look for places where you can expect people to also value education.

Maybe a club or extracurricular activities at your college/university?
Other associations that offers an activity, hobby that interests you?
It's no news - common interests are one of the best foundations for friend- and relationships.

Or even registering for something as mundane as a cooking class? A great way to meet people, do something fun together, get good food. Additional plus: Women that like to cook - unless you go to a diet/health food class - will focus more on making you something good to eat than your weight.


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## jayduhgr8 (Mar 12, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of wisdom.


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## NewfieGal (Mar 12, 2012)

Don't worry about the club scene to meet people, generally speaking most people there are not looking for anything meaningful lol... It is so easy to get down on yourself and feel like the world will never accept you as you are, but when I have those days I come here and talk and respond to so many of the awesome people here, I feel less lonely and everyone is so accepting... no it is not a face to face relationship or contact but this is a great place with lots of resources and wonderful advice and people who are supportive... live life as you want it have respect and love for yourself cause if you don't love yourself others won't either...  and smiles help lol


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## BigChaz (Mar 12, 2012)

Just do what I do - be fucking awesome.

The trick to being awesome is knowing you are awesome and so you just act awesome because you are fucking awesome.


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## escapist (Mar 13, 2012)

nolon2020 said:


> As Escapist wrote in another thread meet people and you can meet people outside of clubs. Scuba diving is a good sport for big guys and you meet a lot of people. I just recently finished my diving instructor exam and during my holidays I will work as an instructor. Any sport in the water really and as a good side effect you will loose weight.



Aside from all the good stuff in here you missed 1 really good point





....Scuba is cool!




http://sierradive.com/ ....I'll just leave that right there...


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## Tad (Mar 13, 2012)

I quickly skimmed your profile page and old posts, and see that you are in Reno (hardly a major metropolis), are studying psychology (which I always suspected could mess with ones head), are 57 to 58 (so you dont get the unconscious additional notice and respect that tall guys seem to get), are at least somewhat estranged from your family (so dont have that support network), and you sound like you are deeply missing having meaningful, regular, social contact. Ive never been quite as far down as it sounds like you are, but in university I did have a couple of terms of feeling pretty intensely alienated and isolated (and went into a deep enough funk that my average dropped twenty percent and I nearly failed out). I cant say Ive been where you are, but perhaps I was close enough to at least have a lot of sympathy.

Here are a few thoughts that occurred to me, but Im sure you know how wildly useless advice from total strangers can be!

Im sure youve encountered the (glibly named) concept of the horns/halo effect; that if you start off by knowing one good or bad thing about a person (or thing, etc), you tend to associate other good or bad things with it more easily than the inverse. Personally I think this is a kind of under rated concept, that it is in fact a really powerful social tool. Unfortunately for you, at the moment it sounds like it mostly works against you: you are fat, you arent tall, you dont have money, and you dont have a network of family and friends to tell people what a great guy you are. I think that, over time, making this work for you more could make a real difference. 

o	You can change how your frame your narrative. For example: you arent a poor student with no money, you are an unstoppable force, who despite a lack of family support is getting himself through school and building a better future for himself, and who isnt going to let anything stop that. If people are only interested in those who have completed their journey, that is their lossyou are forging on with or without them, but those with the strength to come along for the ride will be the richer for it in lots of ways.

o	Find clear, easy, positives that you can hit people with early on. For example, volunteering for a peer counselling service at your school, or a crisis hotline, or even a political campaign if there is someone you feel good about supporting. Then when you get a Hi, hows it going? You can respond with Pretty good, though Im a little tired from doing the late shift at the peer counselling service. It is a great service, but the late night shifts are rough! or something like that. Suddenly you are framed as someone who has the compassion and strength to help others. Or even start lifting weights (..good, but a bit sore from weights yesterday.) or even taking part in student government (this makes you an insider!).

o	Build that social network that can help promote you. This could tie in to the previous, because if you are volunteering in something, you meet people there, and they know you are giving of your time. And if they introduce you or talk about you, it is This guy that I volunteer with which again is putting you in a good light. But you could also meet people through clubs at school, for example.

o	It is an old axiom that if you can fake confidence, people think you have it, and in time you do end up having it. Key to this is keeping your head up and shoulders back, meeting people in the eye, offering your opinion without apologizing for it, etc. But it also helps if you are doing things that you can feel good about, right? So this also ties into the above.

o	As a student, youve already admitted you dont have a lot of money, so buying expensive clothes will be out of the question. But dressing (and grooming) as neatly as you can, and maybe adding one slightly less expected item to draw the eye (like Hozay, of these boards, is famous for his snazzy socks), might help make that first impression be one of someone very professional looking, but with a sense of style. That is a pretty strong combo for giving a good first impression.

o	How you are feeling physically will also communicate itself. So take care of yourself: get enough sleep (or as close as you can, given the demands of school), try to get in your veggies while limiting the junkier end of the food spectrum, find ways to be activewell, you know what it takes. Im not talking weight loss, just treating yourself well. And after all, it might be a bit much to ask others to treat you well if you wont treat yourself well. 

This is all just off the top of my head, knowing almost nothing about you, Im not a trained professional (or even a trained amateur), your mileage may vary, and all of that.


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## jayduhgr8 (Mar 13, 2012)

Ok so allow me to add a little bit more insight into who I am as a person. I gave a brief overview and the rabbit hole is much deeper than it appears I assure you. In my area people are not concerned with relationships. That is just what I have come to learn because anytime you talk to someone in a serious manner all of a sudden the conversation drops off. Like their mind is focused on sex, mine is focused on my future. When I say future I am not speaking like career, home and all that I am saying relationship future like something beyond my bedroom for tonight. My mind is on what I would like long term and everyone else mind is on who they can get in the sack with. So perhaps this is where we are missing each other. As for my finances I am not a starving student. I live alone and pay my bills but yea I do not have a bunch of money to go and blow on bullshit that I really don't need. I don't drive a car for numerous reasons and yet when I mention the fact that I do not have a car I might as well have said I was Charles Manson here to abduct children for sexual experimentation because people flee as if I was the creature from the black lagoon. I never even get a chance to explain why I don't drive because all that matters is the fact that I don't, no one seems to give a shit the reasons why.

I am a social person but in the area I live in social activities are limited in many ways. Casinos and clubs are pretty much the only places with people and while I do enjoy throwing money down the drain now and then at the machines I don't feel a need to go there all the time to do so and frankly the casino is just a bar with a lot more lights.

I enjoy meeting new people and talking and getting to know them. It just seems people don't really want to get to know me and it is all based around the things I just said. I don't have tons of money to throw around so I must not be a good guy. I don't have a car so I must be a bum. I am fat so that means i'm lazy and disgusting. The list goes on and on. Most of it is assumptions because no one out here really takes the time to get to know me they take one look, hear one thing and that's the end of it. Hence my frustration.

These are just some things that I deal with on a daily basis. Great example....Today I got a text message from a girl I had recently met. We met through a mutual dating site and she began talking to me. She had not seen a picture of me because I hadn't posted one but loved everything I had to say. Again she hit me up, not the other way around. Anyways we talk for a while and decide to text one another. Back and forth and everything is cool. Then time finally comes for the question of all questions : "Can I see a pic of you?" So I have no problem showing a pic because we are clicking and things are cool. No sooner did she receive the pic the whole conversation shifted. Texts became shorter and the interest was gone. All this behind one single image of me. I wouldn't be so down about it if it didn't happen so often. But I let it go, and we still chit chatted for a while. So today I decided to ask her how her day was going. Something I didn't mention before was that this girl had said she had been single for a long time, wasn't talking to anyone because all she could find were jerks and just wanted someone honest and sincere. Her words verbatim. When I text her today her exact text was " I'm doing fine but I am no longer single". Needless to say I did not bother responding. But in a matter of a day she went from being single and loving who I was to not having two words to string together and being taken.

But perhaps I am just a bad judge of character.


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## biglynch (Mar 14, 2012)

ok I awful at advice so Im going to try and help without giving any advice. I read every the updates made on this page every time as I like to know how people deal with issues that present themselves to this community of plus sized awesomeness. How do you deal with these issues that you mention. 

How often do you look for the best outcome to a situation, then say well thats not possible because of ABC
I used to do it a lot, still do sometimes. 

Thinking of the future is wasting the present because of the past. ( oooh I like that I feel like a wise old man) 

Sex is great, so if thats all thats out there, enjoy it.

I can be my own best publicist or my own worst critic.

Tell us why you are awesome. 
Chin up buddy.


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## agouderia (Mar 14, 2012)

Reading through your posts and the responses you're received so far, several things come to my mind:

Even if the resident locals will probably bear down on me like vultures ... your descriptions of life in Reno strongly confirm my prejudice that Nevada must be one of the most superficial, anti-intellectual places on planet Earth..... 

Nevertheless, I refuse to believe that - even in Nevada - you cannot find a more brain centered activity for meeting other more serious thinking people in the context of a college/university. 

I can only second what two of the above posters already advised: Fritzi wrote to move on to different social circles (again: even Reno can't be mono-circlic) and Tad made several very good suggestions for activities worth getting involved in as a psychology student. 

Regarding the online issue - change your tactic, get the 'looks'=picture question taken care of up front. Have a really nice picture of yourself taken to use (... that makes a hell of a difference, even many extremely attractive people look like shit on pictures...) and show it early on in the process.

Negative reactions will hurt then too, but they'll hurt a lot less than after you've invested time, interest and emotions in what turns out to be a lost cause. 

Digging your way out of a deep rabbit hole isn't easy, it takes time, energy and the ability to overcome frustrations .... but once your nose comes up out of the hole, you see the light, breathe the fresh air ... it's totally worth it!


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## Tad (Mar 14, 2012)

Jay: really, do you honestly believe that everyone in Reno is as you characterized them? Personally, I'd be more inclined to think that other people who are not into the club/casino scene are probably in a similar boat to you--not having a good place to meet others. But there are bound to be at least some others who have not been driven away. I admit that the one time I passed through Reno, all I really saw were fast food restaurants and casinos (and a greater concentration of fat people than I'd ever seen before...the FA side of me gave it some marks for that part), but I'd assume it must have a public library, maybe a local theatre group, a comic/gaming store, and other places that non-club/casino types might gather?

How long until you finish your degree? If nothing else, perhaps you can look forward to moving to a place better suited to you?

I agree with the suggestion to get a good picture, and put it up with your dating ads. Weight will be a killer issue for some poeple, so might as well screen them out early and not waste your time and emotions with them.

But above all else, I agree with biglynch: tell us why you are awesome! Start thinking about your strengths, and what is going well in your life, rather than your weaknesses and what is not going well. The former can take you far, the latter is seldome something guys will get much sympathy for.


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## Melian (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm not going to comment on whether or not Reno is actually that bad, because I have no idea, but man....your description sounds god awful. It's possible that most of your problems will just resolve when you graduate and move away.

As for the dating profile pictures, agouderia and Tad have the right idea: put the picture out there right off the bat. It will draw in extra views/contacts (profiles with pictures get more traffic, in general) and will scare away the d-bags.


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## fat hiker (Mar 14, 2012)

Tad said:


> But above all else, I agree with biglynch: tell us why you are awesome! Start thinking about your strengths, and what is going well in your life, rather than your weaknesses and what is not going well. The former can take you far, the latter is seldom something guys will get much sympathy for.



Yes indeed Jay, tell us why you are awesome; it is the first part of an antidote to the feeling down (depression) that is affecting you.


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## CastingPearls (Mar 14, 2012)

I want to know what's awesome about you too, Jay. There must be a lot of things......


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## LeoGibson (Mar 14, 2012)

*Hi Jay, I read your posts and feel for your situation. You have received some great advice and pointers, I don't really know you, or you me for that matter, so I'm just going to pretend we're boys and talk to you the same way I would one of my boys if they were in the same predicament,ok? I only have your posts to go by so let me preface this by saying that this is filtered through a belief that you are not physically or mentally handicapped in any way that would make some of my suggestions nullified should I be off the mark. Unless otherwise posted I'll just assume you're an average Joe like the rest of us.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> ... Dating in my area is just a joke to be honest and I attribute most of it to the fact that: A. I am not a party guy, I am not on the prowl for the best clubs/bars or other places like that. I grew out of that phase in my late teens and early 20s.



*I sincerely doubt that dating is a joke in all of Reno. Reno is a decent sized city with a lot of different people who all want differing things. My take is that you're just not personally in the right place to mingle with like-minded people. That is half the battle right there.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> B. I live a very simple life. I do not want drama, I live in a somewhat small area and all the things I need are relatively close to me so I really do not require much.



*Not too many people like drama, but unfortunately it is sometimes unavoidable. What I'm getting at is that sometimes we have to take a bit of the bad to get to some of the good. That doesn't mean to stay with a someone that only thrives on drama, but to expect a small measure of it from time to time from anyone.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> C. I am focusing on my education right now and its what is most important to my future and for some reason because I am a single man and not working that somehow means that I am not worth anything because I choose to go to school rather than bust my ass for minimum wage pay.



*Well, honestly, at your age, most have already started their career. Now it's no big deal to be in school later, it's always good to further your education, but it might not be a bad idea to get at least a part-time job to make a little extra cash. It would also get you out there and making new friends and meeting more people. Now, before you say it, don't give me no focusing on your education bullshit and you don't want to jeopardize that. I personally know too many folks male and female that worked 40-60 hours a week and still carried a full course load and graduated on time. If they can do it, so can you if you are of a mind to. Look it's great that you are getting your future sorted and you have a lot of potential, but potential means you ain't done shit yet. You may do great things in the future, but presently you are not. Women will have a better view of you and your potential if they can see someone who is out there working. They will look more favorably at you if you give a vibe of an earner, someone who will be a provider. Not that a sturdy, intelligent, and independent minded woman will need you to provide, they want to feel like they won't have to be your provider, you dig?*



jayduhgr8 said:


> I fake smiles and humor so the few people I do see won't know that pieces of me are dying inside. I don't really know what to do though. Like I want to be accepted for who I am.....



*Honestly, you aren't dying inside so much as committing emotional suicide with each negative thought you let sway you. Now, once again I want to iterate that you have not posted of having any clinical depression or other mental/emotional issues. So I'm not taking anything like that into account. If you do, then nevermind any of this, because no amount of advice can fix brain chemistry on the fritz. That is a whole other issue. You can't just say buck up 'lil buckaroo to something like that.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> ...In my area people are not concerned with relationships. That is just what I have come to learn because anytime you talk to someone in a serious manner all of a sudden the conversation drops off. Like their mind is focused on sex, mine is focused on my future. When I say future I am not speaking like career, home and all that I am saying relationship future like something beyond my bedroom for tonight. My mind is on what I would like long term and everyone else mind is on who they can get in the sack with. So perhaps this is where we are missing each other.



*This is great, but I would like to repeat myself and say that it is not all of Reno. You are in the wrong circle of people. You need a different circle with a different mindset. Look honestly and hard at the women you have pursued and ask yourself if it was more than just wishful thinking on your part. If you are trying to take a girl who is in party mode and turn her into June Cleaver mode, it ain't gonna happen, and if it does it will just lead to resentment later.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> As for my finances I am not a starving student. I live alone and pay my bills but yea I do not have a bunch of money to go and blow on bullshit that I really don't need. I don't drive a car for numerous reasons...snip... I never even get a chance to explain why I don't drive because all that matters is the fact that I don't, no one seems to give a shit the reasons why.



*Honestly, if you are able to drive, then I don't give a shit either. You probably ought to have a car. You don't need a really expensive, fancy one, but a nice clean dependable one yes. If a girl balks because your car isn't expensive enough, then run because odds are good she'd keep you broke anyways.
But seriously you need a car unless you live in NYC or maybe Chicago if you live in the city center. A car doesn't mean status as much as it means freedom. A woman is not going to want to take a picnic basket and a bottle of wine with you on the city bus to go on a romantic sunset picnic by the lake. Not a bad idea where you live BTW, a sunset over Lake Tahoe and the mountains with some chocolate covered strawberries and a nice Washington state Riesling, a playlist heavy on Teddy P., Luther Vandross, Reverend Al, Marvin, and don't forget Barry White. There you have a nice intimate and very affordable date. But you need a car to do something like that. Even if a woman has a car, she's not going to want to be in the driver's seat all the time.(pun intended) A woman, even a very strong willed woman occasionally is going to want to be treated like the princess, she sometimes secretly feels, like she is. A woman sees a man with no job and no car at 26 years old, not as a possible man to mate with, but more like oh no here we go again with another man-child. Most women do NOT want to be our mothers. A car would be a good thing to have.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> I am a social person but in the area I live in social activities are limited in many ways. Casinos and clubs are pretty much the only places with people and while I do enjoy throwing money down the drain now and then at the machines I don't feel a need to go there all the time to do so and frankly the casino is just a bar with a lot more lights.



*Reno is a big enough city. If you had the above mentioned car you would be open to more of it. Not just the casinos.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> Most of it is assumptions because no one out here really takes the time to get to know me they take one look, hear one thing and that's the end of it. Hence my frustration.



*You know it would be great if the world embraced us all and changed to suit us. Well, it won't. You have to embrace the world and do some changing yourself a little bit and hopefully some good things will be sent back your way.*



jayduhgr8 said:


> ...Great example....Today I got a text message from a girl I had recently met. We met through a mutual dating site and she began talking to me. She had not seen a picture of me because I hadn't posted one but loved everything I had to say. Again she hit me up, not the other way around. Anyways we talk for a while and decide to text one another. Back and forth and everything is cool. Then time finally comes for the question of all questions : "Can I see a pic of you?" So I have no problem showing a pic because we are clicking and things are cool. No sooner did she receive the pic the whole conversation shifted. Texts became shorter and the interest was gone. All this behind one single image of me. I wouldn't be so down about it if it didn't happen so often....



*That's why you should put your pic up and out there first so people know what they are dealing with. If you think you can win over some lady with your wit and charm and personality and your looks won't matter by the time you meet, well, maybe in a nice Rom-Com, but down off the silver screen and back in reality, it doesn't work that way. Even if it did, would you want it to? Do you really want a woman to say, well he's smart and funny and has a good job, I guess I'll let him have sex with me. I can always close my eyes and think about the waiter from earlier, he can fill my breadbasket. Surely you do not want that, and nor should you settle for that. That's why you should put your pic out there first and foremost so that you have women that are actually attracted to you physically before either of you invest yourselves emotionally. Trust me it is so much nicer to have a woman sitting across from you at dinner, ignoring the waiter and thinking to herself, I can't wait to get home and ride my MAN like a broomstick pony! You deserve a relationship like that and nothing less. The bottom line is that yes, in a perfect world it would be nice if folks could look past size and looks and go with personality, but in reality, we like what we like and physical attraction is a big part of it.

Look, the way I see it, you have two choices. You can do some changing and try to improve your situation, or you can keep plodding along doing the same things. Look, you know the saying, "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed will go to the mountain." Well Mo, them mountains ain't getting no closer.

I hope some or any of this helps you, it is offered not as a rebuke, but purely in respect and a hope that you can make the necessary steps to have the quality of life that you desire. I wish you luck, and more importantly I wish you love. Peace,
RC*


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## SanDiega (Mar 15, 2012)

agouderia said:


> Reading through your posts and the responses you're received so far, several things come to my mind:
> 
> Even if the resident locals will probably bear down on me like vultures ... your descriptions of life in Reno strongly confirm my prejudice that Nevada must be one of the most superficial, anti-intellectual places on planet Earth.....
> 
> ...



Youch. I got to take offense to this. One person's experience does not confirm anything. I think that the fact that he came to Reno to study speaks about how "anti intellectual" us nevadans are.


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## escapist (Mar 15, 2012)

Ok, I've been quite. I know I'm usually the first one to jump in a thread like this and post a book. However this time I thought I'd let everybody else jump in first put in their life experience, thoughts, and ideas. I think for the most part everybody has said some pretty good stuff and I hope its listened to. Not just by Jay but by anybody needing it.

Jay, you really just sound a bit depressed. Life is going to have its ups and downs and when you stop seeing the ups and only see downs there is a word for it...depression. I know better than anybody that life is a series of choices. I could be 250 lbs of hulking muscle if I really wanted to be. I was there once, I know exactly what it takes, I know how much I would have to work out, how little I would have to eat, and how much energy and focus I would have to give it. I also know the truth. The truth is for whatever reason I have been to distracted to give myself and my body the full attention and focus it needs and deserves. I should be out on a walk, doing cardio, and my old workout program. The thing is I made a choice to come in the door kick off my shoes and sit at this computer just like a lot of other overweight people. I don't have good reasons like illness, hormones or other crap. Sure I have a mix bag of various health afflictions you might expect from someone near 500 lbs. but even with that we have all see the reality shows on TV where the 500 lb person drops 200 lbs just from iron will, a personal trainer and the promise of some cash at the end of the show.

Now all that said I hope you see my real point I'm trying to make. Weather its weight-loss, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, accolades from peers, or just a body that allows you to go out and have fun. Its all yours, it really is a choice. No you cant change other people, you might not be able to change where you live, but you can learn to make the most out of whatever it is you do have. I'm not saying it will always be easy, I am not saying life will be perfect, I am not saying you will have the perfect life (although that might happen too). What I'm saying is you have that ability to never give up until you die. You have the ability to endow yourself with an iron will.

Napoleon Hill had a great saying "whatever you can conceive and believe you can achieve". I don't like to candy coat it and wrap it with mystical and spiritual words, but if that helps you swallow it then fine. I like Will Smiths more modern version of the idea and concept.

You can be huge, fat, and awe inspiring, and still have the relationships and life you want. Sure it might give you some obstacles, the truth you seem to miss is if you were physically fit, you would have other challenges you focus on negativity if you haven't trained your mind to function differently. Its not much different than the commonly held thought that money will make all your problems go away. The truth is no you just have different problems, like how to be clever with your taxes and income so you can minimize your financial losses and keep that monstrous wealth (vaults, castles, and armed guards come to mind). I have known some very wealthy people with mind blowing levels of paranoia. 

I think this is also a place were something as silly as Star Wars can actually teach a lesson. 

Always remember, your focus determines your reality. - Star Wars, Qui-Gonn Jinn 




Now just go do something amazing with your life man. Your only 26 go out and do something crazy and fun and just enjoy the moment!


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## escapist (Mar 15, 2012)

agouderia said:


> Even if the resident locals will probably bear down on me like vultures ... your descriptions of life in Reno strongly confirm my prejudice that Nevada must be one of the most superficial, anti-intellectual places on planet Earth.....



Close you almost got it, your just 1 off. Around here they want you to have a the very least a Degree and Modelling headshots.

Hell I'm pretty sure I've posted before that I've worked in call centers here doing tech support surrounded by people with BS degree's and Certs pilled to the sky, but if you don't have that and the looks/social skills to pull off the rest your screwed. Just being smart will not cut it. I don't think its much different than the rest of the world except in Vegas, they really are looking for smart sexy people to represent their companies to the world because people travel from all over the world to be here.


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## FishCharming (Mar 15, 2012)

i didnt read any of this because it is all too long, BUT my opinion on this is just to be yourself. look at me, strippers and models follow me around all day long, like puppies. i've been hospitalized 3 times this year due to dehydration from all of the models that i've been banging.

yaknow what, screw being yourself, you should try to be me. 

now hold on, i'll brb, i have to log into my imaginary girlfriend's account so she can agree with everything i say...

haha.


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## HDANGEL15 (Mar 15, 2012)

FishCharming said:


> now hold on, i'll brb, i have to log into my imaginary girlfriend's account so she can agree with everything i say...
> 
> haha.



*THIS x 10 
..................*


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## fritzi (Mar 15, 2012)

FishCharming said:


> i didnt read any of this because it is all too long,



Maybe it would've been a good idea if you had read the thread before posting! 

Because quite a number of people (16 in a thread with only 25 replies should be a good ratio) - oh horror! - engaged in a discussion in it! About various issues! They actually referred seriously to each others posts! The board must be coming to an end....


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## jayduhgr8 (Mar 15, 2012)

For those of you who are not from the area trust me I have lived off and on in the area for 4+ years and honestly there is not really anything out here other than the before mentioned entities. I consider myself to be a realist above anything else and yea it may seem like I am Debbie Downer at times but I am seeing things as they are. Yea they could be a million times better, they could also be a million times worse and no amount of wishing hoping and praying is really gonna change the situation. I was more or less coming on here to vent some frustration about a situation I ultimately know I have no control over. I have put myself in several situations with different people, Have changed angles, pictures and every other little bit of who I am to get people to take 15 minutes to converse with me in hopes someone will see me as a person instead of the fat blob I have been labeled since I was a kid. My conclusion: In this area odds are it ain't going to happen. Anyone worthwhile I meet who is worth talking to for longer than 5 minutes is hours away from me. This area is full of drunks, single parents who are only concerned with people who want you to become daddy, drug addicts, and people who are looking for casual encounters. No matter how much I try and deny the fact that this area is like that its what I always encounter. I am attracted to BBW women and I always have been even before I was really big myself, so its what I go for. I don't find thin women attractive, its nothing against them just a personal preference. This area does have a lot of them, however they are all one of the a fore mentioned people and I really do not want to put myself into a situation I would not be happy in.

As far as working and going to school i've been down the road twice before and came close to climbing a clock tower and sniping people for the fuck of it. I personally cannot maintain both and I am sure there are plenty of people who are able to, but I am not one of them. I can multitask many things but juggling a job and studying I just can't do which is why I gave up my education for 7 years. I worked my ass of providing for others who in the end left me or turned their backs. Does this upset me? a little but it also confirmed the fact that I needed to focus on myself which is now what I am doing. I chose my education because I have dreams and aspirations for my life later on and I don't want to get stuck in the same rut I was in before.

All these little bits and pieces of information are only small pieces to the puzzle and I know it will be hard for many to understand because as you said you guys really do not know me and aren't in my situation so it is hard to understand where I am coming from. I do appreciate the effort and the posts if nothing else it gives me more things to think about.

Why am I awesome you ask? 

I am awesome because I am a survivor and always have been. I came from the gutter and I am still here. I gave the finger to every person who ever said I would amount to nothing and could never do it on my own. I have been to hell and back twice and I am pretty sure the devil knows me on first name basis now. I've been on top and know what its like to truly have the world at your finger tips and I have also been at the bottom and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I supported family, stopped others from suicide, moved across the country and back again. I have done more in my 26 years on this earth than most people do in a lifetime and I am still here faking the smile. I have dealt with hate most of my life for one thing or another whether that be my weight, my color, my intelligence or in some cases lack there of. I keep myself grounded by myself and have been this way for as long as I can remember. I do not expect people to really feel for me or get who I am and why I am this way but at least taking the time to try and understand and realize that not everyone has the same choices and opportunities as others. I had to make my opportunities and have had to do some things I am not proud of. But in order to shape the future I want some things had to be done to ensure I could get to where I am at this point. I don't make excuses for what I have done and where I am. I chose to be here and am not going to change who I am for anyone. I am a real person and want to be seen as such and yes I do have down depressed times as we all do. It doesn't run my life but yea in a moment of weakness I do dwell on some of the bad shit I have encountered over time. I know there are some decent people out there, hell you guys are great examples of that. I have severe doubt of finding anything worthwhile in this area and yet I keep pushing on in hopes that someone in this god forsaken desert will prove me wrong. I do not think I have ever wanted to be proven wrong so bad in my life. Yea I could put myself into situations beyond comfort and hope someone will notice me, but why? I don't want to be fake and give someone a false assumption that where I am or what I am doing is something I enjoy because odds are it won't be. I have tried the couple of places where I do have fun and do enjoy the atmosphere with no luck. I don't blame the area or myself for this its just not the right place for me all in all. I stay for my education and for the few friends I do have. As time passes I will move on but for right now here is where I need to be and in this situation is where I must remain. I will come on now and then and vent about things that drive me up a wall, like this situation. 

I can accept me for who I am, the question is will anyone else ever? We shall see.


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## Tad (Mar 15, 2012)

Personally, I'd take that "why I'm awesome" paragraph, paste that as your personal ad, and see what happens. maybe nothing, but anyone who responds should understand what they are signing up for!

And yah, sometimes you just have to grind things out until you can move on to better things.

And congratulations on still standing, after all that life has thrown your way.

ETA: I hear you on not being able to mix school and work. I managed to land a co-op program for university, alternating four months of school with four months of work. Thankfully, because I think I would otherwise have had real trouble mixing the two. My admiration for all the people who pull it off, often with apparent ease, but I don't think that is for everyone.


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## escapist (Mar 16, 2012)

jayduhgr8 said:


> I can accept me for who I am, the question is will anyone else ever? We shall see.



Pretty sure we all go though that at some point in time. Hell I'm sure plenty of us are saying it now even.


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## jayduhgr8 (Mar 16, 2012)

escapist said:


> Pretty sure we all go though that at some point in time. Hell I'm sure plenty of us are saying it now even.



well its good to know some people feel somewhat as I do.


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## escapist (Mar 16, 2012)

jayduhgr8 said:


> well its good to know some people feel somewhat as I do.



Well I'm not trying to get all gushing on ya here but its an issue that has played a pivotal roll in my relationship with Chicken Legs. I don't know if I've ever been so loved without judgement in my life. Relationships can be hard, but having someone in your life who just gets you (even when you don't get yourself) can be life changing. I guess I'm saying it is one of the many reasons she is so special to me.

There is an added bonus side effect as well. Its made me more forgiving, and accepting too, and I think its something we both feel (which is probably the most important part).


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