# the bigger the girlfriend, the less tolerant everyone is?



## Judge_Dre (Feb 26, 2014)

I have noticed a correlation to the size of my dates and the acceptance I get from others. When I was a teenager and dated curvy or thick girls, everyone around was very accepting. They can tell I liked women with extra pounds on them and they didn't think anything of it. By the time i got to college, I date plumpers and I was lucky to have people support me. My tastes have since grown to include SSBBWs and now I noticed that it's getting negative. I'm being lectured on healthy lifestyles and promoting obesity. Has anyone experienced having friends, families and co-workers become less accepting of your lifestyle once they see that your partners are obese?


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## luvhips (Feb 26, 2014)

Your post could have been written by me. Recently I've gotten she's going to have a heart attack or she can't walk 10ft without being out of breath. Not true. My favorite what do you see in her you could do better. I did better that's why I'm dating her


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 26, 2014)

Honestly, people will say something regardless she is either too fat.. too skinny..too short.. too tall.. yadda yadda yadda....You just have to remember you have to do what makes you happy and tell people to shut it.


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## Tad (Feb 27, 2014)

I think that in general the farther someone deviates from the norm, the more that more people will feel free to say something. I.E. if you date someone with a tatoo on their calf, although that wouldn't be to everyone's taste odds on nobody says anything.....but you could imagine that if you show up with someone completely covered in tatoos that you might get some negative feedback. Likewise date a woman a smidge taller than you and you probably won't hear much about it, but date a woman five inches taller than you who normally wears tall heals and I bet you would. And so on.

And it isn't just dating. If you live in your average suburb, and your neighbour takes the bus to work instead of driving you might think it a bit odd and perhaps feel a bit guilty if you are driving to work alone, but it isn't that unusual. If they look around the neighbourhood and try to catch a ride with various people to get into the city for a quicker bus ride some might suggest out loud that they are being a bit of a parasite and should get themselves a car. If they are at the on-ramp to the expressway every day, hitch-hiking, a lot of people will pretty openly say that the person is just a weirdo.

I tend to look at this as people being uncomfortable with their view of normal being challenged. Most people are most comfortable being pretty 'normal' in most ways. That there is variations around whatever we consider normal is expected, so having someone close to you be a bit different is not a big deal. But when someone who you might call part of your social reference group--the people who help establish what is normal to you--does stuff that is way, way, different, well that challenges things. It says that to them either normal is not what you view as normal (which is threatening because it could mean that you aren't so normal  ), or that they don't care about what is normal, which is dangerous (what other expectations and assumptions will they ignore or challenge or revolt against?).

Of course, people who are that size don't get a choice in whether or not they may seem threatening to the status quo, and take the flack far more commonly. So I'd say that FA never really get much right to whine about negative feedback, given that the objects of our affection will almost always have faced much worse, with less choice in the matter.


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## J34 (Feb 27, 2014)

Yeah, have to agree with you Tad.

Once you start deviating from the average mean of how things are done, then people will feel the need to question. It's sort of like a bell curve of acceptance, with the bottom part of the graph being weight and the left side being acceptance. Deviate too much in either way, and you're gonna have a bad time. Though I say it might be skewed more to the extra lbs IMO.


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## choudhury (Feb 27, 2014)

Frankly, I've come to see it as a sort of litmus test of what kind of human being I'm dealing with. My wife is obese and has steadily gotten bigger over the years. If you are welcoming of her and accepting of her, then you are a quality friend or acquaintance in my book. If you make snide remarks behind my back or even feel the need to comment about it in any way, then you're a classless prick, and the sooner I know that about you the better.

I had to put up with some of this from my parents early on in the relationship. Comments about weight, health, "if she's big now, how big will she be when she's older," etc.. Finally I told them in no uncertain terms that I never wanted to hear any comment of that kind ever again.


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 27, 2014)

On these chat boards I have come to realise how lucky I was as a kid. My friends never commented on my sie or mde me feel different. I was a daddys girl. My parents never saidmanything to me about losing weight other than your kneels will hate younlater.. but if youmaremhappy.. we are happy. That is whatthey would say aboutnwhomever I dated as well. As longnas the person was not abusive and was decent to me and mynfamily.. they didn't care if the person wasmtall, short, fat skinny, black, white, purple, one arm, one eye..as long as I was happy, and well taken care of,, they didn't care or comment.


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## Excellent21 (Mar 2, 2014)

I can certainly sympathize: I have simply hung out with quite large girls and people laugh and stare behind our backs (or in front of us).

My solution, though it may be a bit (or way) to confrontational for you, is to call them out on it. Of course, talk to your dates and make sure it is okay with them (I would think they could have a tendency to feel singled out with such behavior); also, they, being the size they are, most likely have advice I have yet to think of.


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## musicman (Mar 2, 2014)

choudhury said:


> Frankly, I've come to see it as a sort of litmus test of what kind of human being I'm dealing with. My wife is obese and has steadily gotten bigger over the years. If you are welcoming of her and accepting of her, then you are a quality friend or acquaintance in my book. If you make snide remarks behind my back or even feel the need to comment about it in any way, then you're a classless prick, and the sooner I know that about you the better.



I agree completely. It's one of the side benefits of having a super-sized partner. You get to see the true nature of people, and you can dispose of the trash quickly.


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## Judge_Dre (Mar 3, 2014)

Tad said:


> I think that in general the farther someone deviates from the norm, the more that more people will feel free to say something. I.E. if you date someone with a tatoo on their calf, although that wouldn't be to everyone's taste odds on nobody says anything.....but you could imagine that if you show up with someone completely covered in tatoos that you might get some negative feedback. Likewise date a woman a smidge taller than you and you probably won't hear much about it, but date a woman five inches taller than you who normally wears tall heals and I bet you would. And so on.



Definitely. in the beginning when I was with curvy women, it was a lot of positive stuff like, "real women have curves." When it was chubby girls, it became more "big is beautiful." Now with SSBBWs I'm getting accused of being an enabler and given guilt trips.


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 4, 2014)

Judge_Dre said:


> Definitely. in the beginning when I was with curvy women, it was a lot of positive stuff like, "real women have curves." When it was chubby girls, it became more "big is beautiful." Now with SSBBWs I'm getting accused of being an enabler and given guilt trips.



A strange phenomenon: years ago one of my old boyfriends took the same kind of accusations from my family. Back in the day when I was still being heavily lectured by my family about my weight I was dating a guy who was very open about liking fat girls. My family was trying to get him on board with convincing me to lose a few pounds. He would squeeze me and say vomit-inducing things like "more for me" and "I like 'em with meat on their bones" etc. Over the course of a few months I had put on some weight. I was always gaining even before he came along. Suddenly it was his fault. My family accused him of being an enabler, a bad influence, etc. There are so many misguided dynamics at play there. I think there is an underlying thought in society that has people thinking that there is something deficient about people over a certain weight. We're weak, mentally inept, need to be taken in hand, etc. We "let" ourselves get this way more so than a smaller fatty which means there's something wrong with us. You date one of us and there's something wrong with you too.


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## musicman (Mar 4, 2014)

LillyBBBW said:


> A strange phenomenon: years ago one of my old boyfriends took the same kind of accusations from my family. Back in the day when I was still being heavily lectured by my family about my weight I was dating a guy who was very open about liking fat girls. My family was trying to get him on board with convincing me to lose a few pounds. He would squeeze me and say vomit-inducing things like "more for me" and "I like 'em with meat on their bones" etc. Over the course of a few months I had put on some weight. I was always gaining even before he came along. Suddenly it was his fault. My family accused him of being an enabler, a bad influence, etc. There are so many misguided dynamics at play there. I think there is an underlying thought in society that has people thinking that there is something deficient about people over a certain weight. We're weak, mentally inept, need to be taken in hand, etc. We "let" ourselves get this way more so than a smaller fatty which means there's something wrong with us. You date one of us and there's something wrong with you too.




Thanks for posting this, Lilly. It's an excellent summary of how society views supersized people and their admirers, largely due to the media. Supersized people are portrayed as irresponsible children, and their admirers are demonized as enablers, perverts, and abusers. If you're not on a diet, you're either completely ignorant or mentally deficient, and if anyone loves you the way you are, that person must be a sick freak. I'm sure the weight-loss industry knows this is a powerful one-two punch to a fat person's self-confidence, which is why they constantly push it in the media. It's rare to see a story about supersized people that doesn't also try to de-legitimize FAs. And sadly, most people swallow everything the media feeds them.


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## loopytheone (Mar 5, 2014)

musicman said:


> Thanks for posting this, Lilly. It's an excellent summary of how society views supersized people and their admirers, largely due to the media. Supersized people are portrayed as irresponsible children, and their admirers are demonized as enablers, perverts, and abusers. If you're not on a diet, you're either completely ignorant or mentally deficient, and if anyone loves you the way you are, that person must be a sick freak. I'm sure the weight-loss industry knows this is a powerful one-two punch to a fat person's self-confidence, which is why they constantly push it in the media. It's rare to see a story about supersized people that doesn't also try to de-legitimize FAs. And sadly, most people swallow everything the media feeds them.



My mother is exactly like this. My partner is supersized and she gets annoyed with me, tells me to make sure he exercises and doesn't get any bigger and we have had a huge argument over me sending him chocolate as part of his present for christmas. She called me a feeder, which to her is that media-inspired 'terrible person who abuses and controls a poor, helpless fat person'. Now trust me, my fiance is far from helpless and found that comment quite amusing, all things considered. I just don't know where people get off demonising those of us who are attracted to supersized people.


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 5, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> My mother is exactly like this. My partner is supersized and she gets annoyed with me, tells me to make sure he exercises and doesn't get any bigger and we have had a huge argument over me sending him chocolate as part of his present for christmas. She called me a feeder, which to her is that media-inspired 'terrible person who abuses and controls a poor, helpless fat person'. Now trust me, my fiance is far from helpless and found that comment quite amusing, all things considered. I just don't know where people get off demonising those of us who are attracted to supersized people.



It's media conditioning. 99.9% of the time when a SS person is shown on tv they are a walking headless torso with a grave announcer's voice talking about diabetes, heart disease, gout, etc. and we are given no agency. We are rarely heard from or depicted in any way short of being a victim and a slave. Governments convene to figure out what to do about us. When people see us it's terrifying for them because that's all they can connect us with. It's so bad, my friends and family live right along side me, my mother fed me the same as her other 7 kids and they can see that I work and eat just like they do and still can't reason this shit out. So it would stand to reason that people who wiggle their eyebrows appreciatively at a super sized person are even worse than the super sized person themselves. It's all your fault. Makes perfect sense.


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## lucca23v2 (Mar 5, 2014)

Funny thing is.. Doctors and the media are always saying that fat people get heart disease, diabetes, gout, knee problems, back problems, etc. 

Guess what, I know plenty of thin people who get the same diseases and have the same knee and back problems. So why is it that they single out big people? Maybe because they don't feel comforttable with big people so they try to scare them into losing weight.

I had one doctor tell me that my P.O.S. (Poly Cycstic Ovaries) was due to my being overweight. At first, when I had no information about it I believed it. Then a few months later, myfriend who weighs 98lbs soaking wet was diagnosed with the same condition. So apparently being over weight might contribute to the issues, but it obviously is not the cause of it as that doctor had told me. When doctors can't figure something out, they tell fat people it is because of their weight.

I think if a persons weight starts to hinder their health, then yes they need to do something about it. But if you are a "healthy as a horse" big person, then enjoy life and don't worry about losing weight. Everyone's body is different. I know I pasted my ideal weight for my body long ago and I need to lose some weight. I am not going to be thin, because i don't enjoy looking like a crackhead, but I think 220 is good for me. By most standards 220 is obese, but it works for my body.


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## ssbbwstormy (Apr 22, 2014)

this is definitely true i think ?! people are assholes


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## Dr. Feelgood (Apr 22, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> Funny thing is.. Doctors and the media are always saying that fat people get heart disease, diabetes, gout, knee problems, back problems, etc.



I suspect this is a case of doctors being influenced by the media, rather than the other way round. If you go online to the archives of the medical journals, you'll find plenty of studies -- some going back twenty years or more -- indicating that health is more dependent on how you live than on what you weigh.* OTOH, we have a multi-billion-dollar(some say $50 billion)-per-year weight-loss industry that advertises heavily (no pun intended) on TV, in newspapers and magazines, on billboards and even on my computer. And the first law of journalism is, and has always been, "Write nothing that might upset a major advertiser." Doctors rarely have time to study areas of medicine outside their particular specialty, but they are just as inundated with the weight-loss messages of mass media as the rest of us -- and just as prone to be influenced by them.

*I won't cite them here, but am happy to pm the references to some of my favorites upon request.


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## lucca23v2 (Apr 23, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I suspect this is a case of doctors being influenced by the media, rather than the other way round. If you go online to the archives of the medical journals, you'll find plenty of studies -- some going back twenty years or more -- indicating that health is more dependent on how you live than on what you weigh.* OTOH, we have a multi-billion-dollar(some say $50 billion)-per-year weight-loss industry that advertises heavily (no pun intended) on TV, in newspapers and magazines, on billboards and even on my computer. And the first law of journalism is, and has always been, "Write nothing that might upset a major advertiser." Doctors rarely have time to study areas of medicine outside their particular specialty, but they are just as inundated with the weight-loss messages of mass media as the rest of us -- and just as prone to be influenced by them.
> 
> *I won't cite them here, but am happy to pm the references to some of my favorites upon request.



Good point. And yes.. coming from someone who has a degree in advertising and public relations.. It is death to insult an advertiser..lol Regardless of whether they like it or not.. advertisers pay their salaries and pay the bills..


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## Tad (Apr 23, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I suspect this is a case of doctors being influenced by the media, rather than the other way round. If you go online to the archives of the medical journals, you'll find plenty of studies -- some going back twenty years or more -- _indicating that health is more dependent on how you live than on what you weigh_.*



The part that makes it hard to kill off the anti-fat bias in medicine is that how you live is a contributor to what you weigh -- it just isn't the only contributor. If I don't walk farther than from the couch to the car and back and eat large amounts of fast food, I'll almost certainly be fatter than if I walk to work each day and eat somewhat more restrained amounts of home made food. It is just that I may or may not be fatter than someone else with different habits. (and genetics, they do play a role too).


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## musicman (Apr 23, 2014)

Tad said:


> The part that makes it hard to kill off the anti-fat bias in medicine is that how you live is a contributor to what you weigh -- it just isn't the only contributor. If I don't walk farther than from the couch to the car and back and eat large amounts of fast food, I'll almost certainly be fatter than if I walk to work each day and eat somewhat more restrained amounts of home made food. It is just that I may or may not be fatter than someone else with different habits. (and genetics, they do play a role too).



Come on, Tad, why are you making excuses for doctors' bad behavior? Just because some people may be fat due to bad habits, you and I know it doesn't mean that all fat people's medical problems are automatically due to their weight, or that all fat people are automatically in poor health. But doctors regularly make such statements, and are rarely called out for them. When doctors draw conclusions like that, they are either too lazy to do a real diagnosis, or they are blinded by the huge profits they can make from diet pills and WLS, or they are exhibiting what we would normally call prejudice, bigotry, and discrimination. I don't think any of those are excusable. It's time to stop giving doctors (or anyone else) a pass on their disgusting behavior.


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## Tad (Apr 24, 2014)

musicman said:


> Come on, Tad, why are you making excuses for doctors' bad behavior? Just because some people may be fat due to bad habits, you and I know it doesn't mean that all fat people's medical problems are automatically due to their weight, or that all fat people are automatically in poor health. But doctors regularly make such statements, and are rarely called out for them. When doctors draw conclusions like that, they are either too lazy to do a real diagnosis, or they are blinded by the huge profits they can make from diet pills and WLS, or they are exhibiting what we would normally call prejudice, bigotry, and discrimination. I don't think any of those are excusable. It's time to stop giving doctors (or anyone else) a pass on their disgusting behavior.



Hmmm, I didn't see what I said as excusing their behavior, actually. What I'm reaching for is to understand why these problems with doctors are so widespread.

Something studies have shown, and that casinos know well, is that occasional, random, reward, seems to lead to the highest behavior modification -- more, actually, than consistent reward. So if you tell every fat person who comes in that their health problems are because they are fat, and a few make substantial healthy lifestyle changes, lose a fair amount of weight and show much improved health, well, that could really help cement those attitudes.

So if we're trying to understand why they behave that way, and figure out how to handle things both as individuals and as a lose grouping of people who want to see things change, pretending that they don't see actual evidence supporting their beliefs is just silly.  That they see evidence still doesn't mean that they are right in having those as blanket beliefs, applying them far too broadly, and not treating people as individuals. But claiming that they are purely brain washed by advertising and the pharma/medical industry is willfully cutting away part of the picture.


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## ed1980 (Apr 24, 2014)

I am a big guy (BMI 35) and my experience with doctors is that everything is a reason to lecture about obesity related diseases. Once, I broke my arm in a car accident and the doctor brought this issue, once I had a carious tooth and the dentist brought this issue and once I had a pneumonia during winter and the doctor also brought this issue during attendance. This is prejudice and period.

On the other hand, I think my endocrinologist is just doing her job when she talks about obesity related diseases and says that I need to loose weight ...

I believe it depends on context. Sometimes it is just plain prejudice and sometimes it is just a professional trying to do her job. One actitude deserves respect while the other one deserves (what is the word?) troll like behavior (?) ...


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## James (Apr 24, 2014)

There have been times where I have experienced similar pressures in the past and it annoyed me on a couple of levels.

1. It speaks to the idea of a woman's autonomy being overruled by the male gaze, and as such it is my role as a man to use that gaze critically to bring a woman 'back into line' and inside a size range norm. To my mind, this is both an absurd and a sexist notion. 

2. It is a narrative whereby 'responsibility' for fat woman's body and any choices that a fat woman might make toward their own body gets transferred to another person just by virtue of their choice to date them. 

This is bad enough coming from third parties but on one occasion in my past, this narrative was actually adopted by the woman I was dating to help deflect pressure that she was facing from her own family. I think it became an easier story for her to tell that someone else was 'to blame' for her size and eating choices. That there was no difference to either factor before or during dating me didn't seem to matter.


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## NewfieGal (Apr 30, 2014)

I can't speak for every where cause not every one has people with small town mentality but the general census around here seems like anyone who would date a "fat girl" is deemed a loser who can't do any better or you'll hear people comment well what's he doing with her I knows he can do better than that ... I say f that I'm a great gal I don't care what my shape is if you don't want me to meet your friends or family cause you know what they'll think then you are not good enough for a great catch like me or any other girl out there that might be different 

It does get worse the bigger you are cause I'm pretty much almost the biggest person in my town and I don't know if people think that being big means you're deaf or something lol but it makes dating life that much harder when it's not acceptable to be a big girl in a small town


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## bigmac (Apr 30, 2014)

NewfieGal said:


> I can't speak for every where cause not every one has people with small town mentality but the general census around here seems like anyone who would date a "fat girl" is deemed a loser who can't do any better or you'll hear people comment well what's he doing with her I knows he can do better than that ... I say f that I'm a great gal I don't care what my shape is if you don't want me to meet your friends or family cause you know what they'll think then you are not good enough for a great catch like me or any other girl out there that might be different
> 
> It does get worse the bigger you are cause I'm pretty much almost the biggest person in my town and I don't know if people think that being big means you're deaf or something lol but it makes dating life that much harder when it's not acceptable to be a big girl in a small town



Small towns (or small states or Provinces) can suck if you're different. Perhaps you could follow in the footsteps of so many Newfies and head out west.


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## LillyBBBW (May 1, 2014)

NewfieGal said:


> I can't speak for every where cause not every one has people with small town mentality but the general census around here seems like anyone who would date a "fat girl" is deemed a loser who can't do any better or you'll hear people comment well what's he doing with her I knows he can do better than that ... I say f that I'm a great gal I don't care what my shape is if you don't want me to meet your friends or family cause you know what they'll think then you are not good enough for a great catch like me or any other girl out there that might be different
> 
> It does get worse the bigger you are cause I'm pretty much almost the biggest person in my town and I don't know if people think that being big means you're deaf or something lol but it makes dating life that much harder when it's not acceptable to be a big girl in a small town



Newfie you are cute as f*ck. I'd date you. Anyone who wouldn't is an idiot and deserves to wallow in their profound misery.


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## Tad (May 1, 2014)

LillyBBBW said:


> Newfie you are cute as f*ck. I'd date you. Anyone who wouldn't is an idiot and deserves to wallow in their profound misery.



I think Lilly put in perfectly.

But yah, small towns can be less tolerant of differences of any sort  Any chance you could move to somewhere with more opportunities? I hear that St. John's is booming these days due to the off-shore oil work.....


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## Ms Charlotte BBW (May 1, 2014)

Tad said:


> But yah, small towns can be less tolerant of differences of any sort



Sadly you are right on, Tad. I live in a very small town...maybe 2,000 people at most. I have come to the conclusion I am the only super-sized person in the entire town. Boy do I stand out like a sore thumb...everyone seems to remember me! And no...that's not always a good thing.


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## liz (di-va) (May 4, 2014)

Yer not crazy, OP. It's not all the same. All fat bodies are not "read" culturally in the same way. Depends on lots of things - overall size, mobility, face fatness - plus race, class, education - lots of things. 

I've been thin, I've been chubby, I've been fat, I've been super-fat - ain't all the same!


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## Kenster102.5 (May 8, 2014)

Even worse is when it is a really thin guy like me dating a bigger or supersized girl, the optics get thrown way off. Already I am getting comments because I am 5'11" and I am supposed to weigh 170 lbs, when in fact I weigh 150 lbs, "Dude you need to eat more" . I make up for it by lifting weights. But still if I walk around with a bigger girl, they would be like, "She's too big for you", etc.


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## lucca23v2 (May 8, 2014)

Kenster102.5 said:


> Even worse is when it is a really thin guy like me dating a bigger or supersized girl, the optics get thrown way off. Already I am getting comments because I am 5'11" and I am supposed to weigh 170 lbs, when in fact I weigh 150 lbs, "Dude you need to eat more" . I make up for it by lifting weights. But still if I walk around with a bigger girl, they would be like, "She's too big for you", etc.



I'll be honest.. I have dated thin men and have chuckled to myself when walking down the street because I think to myself.. we are a perfect 10 couple..lol He is the one I am the zero well.... I say he is the 1 and I am the big O...lol.. 
but hey.. it is what it is.. I didn't let it bother me. As long as we were both having fun and enjoying each others company, I was happy.


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## Kenster102.5 (May 8, 2014)

lucca23v2 said:


> I'll be honest.. I have dated thin men and have chuckled to myself when walking down the street because I think to myself.. we are a perfect 10 couple..lol He is the one I am the zero well.... I say he is the 1 and I am the big O...lol..
> but hey.. it is what it is.. I didn't let it bother me. As long as we were both having fun and enjoying each others company, I was happy.



I totally get that whole 1 and 0 thing from a Binary/computer stand point and how well it translates into relationships, since 1+0 = 1 relationship 

I don't let it bother me anymore, you know what if someone makes the comment, I would probably grab her hand harder, hug the chick and make out with her. I would give her all the attention, and the crass commenter none of it.


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## lucca23v2 (May 8, 2014)

Kenster102.5 said:


> I totally get that whole 1 and 0 thing from a Binary/computer stand point and how well it translates into relationships, since 1+0 = 1 relationship
> 
> I don't let it bother me anymore, you know what if someone makes the comment, I would probably grab her hand harder, hug the chick and make out with her. I would give her all the attention, and the crass commenter none of it.



Kudos!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## pilotman (May 8, 2014)

Judge_Dre said:


> I have noticed a correlation to the size of my dates and the acceptance I get from others. When I was a teenager and dated curvy or thick girls, everyone around was very accepting. They can tell I liked women with extra pounds on them and they didn't think anything of it. By the time i got to college, I date plumpers and I was lucky to have people support me. My tastes have since grown to include SSBBWs and now I noticed that it's getting negative. I'm being lectured on healthy lifestyles and promoting obesity. Has anyone experienced having friends, families and co-workers become less accepting of your lifestyle once they see that your partners are obese?



They should figure it out on their own. I had a thin girlfriend for a bit when I was a teenager. But every girl/woman since has been bigger. I mean a lot bigger. Started in high school. All of my friends and family just seem to understand. I have a beautiful wife who is quite round. No one has ever had anything to say about it. If they did, then I would kindly tell them that I am quite happy with her. If they aren't then I don't need them in my life. 

That's my take on it for what it's worth.


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