# At the end of my rope.



## Arkveveen (Mar 13, 2006)

Well, I am the most depressed today(when I wrote this post) then I ever been. I am starting to ponder suicide more, it's so bad, I am panting with my breath as the despair overcomes me. Alot of reasons contribute to this.

1. My fear and "hatred" for most human beings, except friends or everyone on this website. I cannot ponder the thought of getting a job, worrying that I will be forced to worry about paying stupid bills, having no time for things I enjoy, making me a dull, passionless person. Destroying my love of fat, dragons, art, videogames, books, and my love of friends.

2. Never finding my dream BBW. The greedy and foolish people who put dating websites up for fat people, only to have it have 10% capability and have you pay a fairly large sum. There is indeed no such thing as perfect, but I truly know my BBW is out there somewhere... I have been told many times that a fat girl would be missing out on me if they passed me up, and that is by other BBW's. Trust me, I know how a balanced relationship IS:

(sexuality, intimacy, affection)--------0--------(trust, commitment, love)

My special diagram too! Yet, I am annoyed at the fact that me not wanting children (often a waste of money, and ruins relationships often, in my opinion. Sarcasm: See "Why Men Divorce: Not enough Sex or Sexual Activity, Women Being Too Sexually Uncomfortable About Themselves?") is something that turns many women off... it is odd, as if I would give in to a "bad" human instinct like that, to have sex just to make babies, then add to overpopulation. For me, sex is a way of sharing joy, pleasure, and love with another. Love comes in many forms, as long as a couple feels the same about eachother.(read my signature qoute about good, bad, nuetral things) This is all in MY personal opinion, I am not right with what I say if it offends you, but I still believe it. All I can say is that I blame society for making it difficult for me to find my dream BBW.(yet, my negative attitude is a turn off to most girls, as I figured out recently.)

3. Society and it's anti fat B.S... even unrest in Size Acceptance. All these stupid worries, quarrels, and conflicts, are not supposed to exist, I truly feel this. They are not supposed to happen, it is all stupid to nature. Why can't we all just form one giant Earth Nation? Governed by many Presidents? Where you get paid for being alive and living. We are all brothers and sisters under the sun... fat is only unhealthy to those who are not meant to carry it! It becomes unhealthy to those meant to carry it but hate it!!! Why can't we just research MORE important things than weight loss and fat on health?!! DANG IT!!! We should be finding ways to colonize other planets... before it's too late.

4. And finally... just due to my severe depression, which my mom immediately dismisses as pretend depression. Yet my therapist says it's due to my fears getting in the way of my goals, allowing me no access to things I truly want and need. Causing me depression. I want to ask this really beautiful fat girl at High School out for a date, but I cannot utter a word to her, even a hello, due to my fear of people. I know her as well. This is not shyness, this is more severe social withdrawal... yet, I also want to commit suicide because I do not want to take medicine in fear of losing weight, becoming a different person, and losing my beliefs and personality. Those fears may indeed be false.

Throw whatever critism you can at me... you have to be KIND and friendly to make me feel better. Not yell at how I am stupid or a flipping moron, that will only make the individual saying it the flipping moron. Compassion, is often the best thing for sensitive guys like me. You have to feel for me, I love everyone here deeply, show me you don't want me to die... I know I will be a great member to size acceptance eventually, if I get over this depression somehow. *hugs everyone* I don't want to die though, I want to stay, yet, I truly feel that creeping need to commit suicide. The despair and sorrow is truly terrible. I can only hope you all can understand my prediciment, I truly hope so... alot of you probablly felt like me once in your life. Provide some insight and advice(GOOD advice, something that can calm me down about all the mentioned 4 reasons to suicide.)

Other than that, this is a really long rant I suppose... but view or call it whatever you like. I also will say before anyone posts...
"Thank you for helping me feel better." :bow:


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## AnnMarie (Mar 13, 2006)

Ark, please speak to a professional as soon as possible regarding the feelings you are having. Call a helpline now, or your own therapists, if you feel the "creeping need" closing in. 

While many here can offer supportive words and encouragment for feeling better/more positive, none are qualified to counsel you on the magnitude of issues you're bringing up. 

Some hotline numbers in case you need them: 
National Hopeline Network
1-800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433)

Suicide Prevention Services
Depression Hotline: 630-482-9696

National Adolescent Suicide Hotline
1-800-621-4000


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## duncwa (Mar 13, 2006)

I experience those same feelings. But I have come to realize that self reflection through meditation helps quell my thoughts to a manageable level. I believe prayer is similar but the "conotations" carried with prayer tend to turn some people away from such an activity.

The only other thing that really helped me quell my thoughts (worries) was intense crying. It was like this invisible pain just lifted and went away. That is something that I would like to do with the woman of my dreams....a lovely SSBBW....but have only done with a man in an unplanned. I am not gay.

Strangely enough the only two times that I started crying in front of women (excluding my mom), they were pretty embarrassed and appeared really uncomfortable. But I regret not trying to communicate at that time....I just ran a bazillian thoughts through my head and just froze.

Wow, that was a strange bit of information I just divulged. Oh well, I'll just keep looking for that SSBBW goddess. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the race goes to the persistent. Visualize your dream and specific steps to get there and you will be there before you know it. 


Duncan


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## Arkveveen (Mar 13, 2006)

A professional will not help. They lable fat lovers as mentally ill. Even if I tell things to them when they ask... and that will never happen. I do feel like I need to call someone, but I hate phones too.
There also have been numerous times I was pumped up to ask out that girl I know and REALLY like out, but never got around to asking her.


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## missaf (Mar 13, 2006)

Ark, while we deeply care for you and wish you the best, and most of all, we want to see you thriving and living a wonderful life, we can't help you as much as you'd like us to. The most important step for you right now is to get help, and AM pointed you in the right direciton. Those helplines are there to help you sort out your emotions and put you in a better state of mind, something that's hard to do here. We can only prop you up, you've got to beat this with help to get what you want out of life.

There's even a local group for you, in Temecula, give them a call, 686-4357. Just talk, get all that shit out of your head, so you can think clearly again.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 13, 2006)

I told you, I hate phones, I never want to use them.


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 13, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> A professional will not help. They lable fat lovers as mentally ill. Even if I tell things to them when they ask... and that will never happen. I do feel like I need to call someone, but I hate phones too.
> There also have been numerous times I was pumped up to ask out that girl I know and REALLY like out, but never got around to asking her.



(((( Ark ))))

I do not know you well, but I can sense the pain in your words.

One thing I did want to tell you is that a true professional will not label your preference as a mental illness; additionally, do you think that this preference is what is causing your trouble right now? I'm trying to understand why this is a concern for you. It seems that your greater concern is the hopeless feelings of depression that you have.

You mentioned that you've had suicidal feelings. I hope that you do take the advise already offered to you, and call a suicide prevention hotline. We can empathize with you, and offer support and encouragement, but I don't believe that any of us are in a position to offer you the professional support that you may need. Please consider calling one of the hotline numbers given to you. 

Please do not give up hope. Help is available to you. Your hatred of phones, though understandable, should not be a barrier to seeking the help you need.


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## ataraxia (Mar 13, 2006)

This will sound strange, but I suggest you read this small book, especially since you're an art-type. I can't really explain why (if I could, the book would be superfluous) other than to tell you to "keep going".


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## Wayne_Zitkus (Mar 13, 2006)

I didn't find MY "dream BBW" until I was 39. Don't give up - she' out there somewhere.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 13, 2006)

My preferences are not causing my problem. They make me so happy. It's just the things I am not getting that is adding to my depression, but not entirely so.


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## Chimpi (Mar 13, 2006)

Not to sound really negative or anything, but you've got a long way to go. You don't seem to be very old, based on the fact that you want to ask out the girl in high school. I'm assuming. I shouldn't assume. It's bad news.

But anyway. I feel your pain. I've been there, gone through it, still going through it, I think our only difference is I just deal with it. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm not up for being too open about what goes through my mind, but I too hate civilization as it is. Not only that, but I'm in search of the perfect one. Erin and I have gone through this with me, and it's really shitty, but I cannot give her an answer whether she will be the one or not. ... That's a different situation entirely.

My suggestion is just to talk to the girl. Be open and honest. I cannot tell you what to say, I can only tell you what I think you should do. Being open and upfront about things usually comes across not only as Bold and Confident, but as the best choice, especially for one's ego and self-esteem. You'll feel better, knowing that you got it out. 

It is that easy. It IS that easy. Don't be afraid of rejecting. Don't be afraid of her willing to date you. Nothing to be afraid of. You will be rejected in life.  Gotta live with that.

Whether you seek help or not, you can only help yourself. No one can for you. Suicide is a dumb cause, that has absolutely no purpose. I contemplated it myself a few times back in High School, but obviously I'm still here. It's important to not follow through. Thank of what you'll miss out on - Your Dream BBW. Why give that up?

Trust me, things get better.
Don't crave attention either. The more you do it, the more people will be resentful. Sleep things off. Take a shower right when you get up. Usually helps flood the emotions away. Start a new day with new thoughts. Don't think about things too much. DO NOT think about things too much.

It is that easy.
It is.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 13, 2006)

I cannot help but think and worry. I especially feel suicidal after anti-fat things or when I am offended.
I do not fear death, seriously... so suicide is sounding pretty good by now.


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## Echoes (Mar 13, 2006)

You rejected the phone numbers because you don't like phones, you won't see a professional because you say they can't help, and you don't like the idea of medication. 

Now what? Are we supposed to talk you down? Well, I resent that sort of responsibility. 

My advice is that if you really want help, you'll take the suggestions listed above.


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## Jes (Mar 13, 2006)

In my opinion the fat/fa/sa issues aren't related to your depression. Were I you, I'd think about checking myself into a facility for a few days if that's possible. Be in a safe place, get some intensive therapy and try something DIFFERENT. Clearly, everything you've been doing until this point hasn't been working. I also think your situation with your mom (which sounds like many of the situations many of us had with our parents) is lemon in the wound, so a few days away from that could provide relief, too. Perhaps you could come out of a facility with a new plan for yourself. ANd you don't have to talk to anyone on the phone while you're in there!


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## BBWMoon (Mar 13, 2006)

Ark,

The two words that reach out to me in your post are "Show me".


I don't know you at all, or many of the people here for that matter, but...
all of the people here are a part of my daily life. I have a very difficult relationship with my family and so over the years I've "adopted" unknowing people to fill my heart sufficiently. One of the most treasured people in my life was a woman who was once my professor. I grew closer to her than my own Mother and then these past few years, I've strayed because I believe I wanted to return to her with enough "Life" to make her proud of me. I've only recently lost that chance because sadly, she passed away a few weeks ago. I slowly realize, with tears streaming down my face right now, that she was always proud of me.

I know you're having a difficult time. It's a hard moment in your life right now.
Perhaps there aren't enough strong people in your life, and you feel weak.
Of course I could be wrong, I'm only surmising. But, what you did was brave.
You wrote out your emotions... and you've asked for support.
The right thing to do is to get professional help, especially if you might harm yourself. But, I realize this isn't what you want to hear. 

If I were your good friend, I would say that it's going to be ok. That life is tough and has many rocky moments but that it is truly a gift and every moment is precious. There's so much good out there. If you don't see it right now, you have to believe that it is there with your heart.

You're very important to our community. You said that you have a lot to give here. I welcome such support. Men who truly emotionally support the well being of women have my utmost respect. So, smile! You're among friends.

My Parents divorced years ago, and there's a folded letter in my jewelry box. It is a letter my Mother wrote to herself when she was in her late 20's. She was having a difficult time, and she poured her heart out in the letter. She doesn't know that I have possession of it, but it brings me closer to her. Sometimes when I'm sad I read it and I know that in a way she's there for me, and that we all get sad from time to time.

So, please. If you feel very very sad, do what we suggest and get help, but know that there are people here who care.  

I hope I've shown you, enough. 

~Allie


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## Arkveveen (Mar 13, 2006)

I still don't know if it helps... mabye a little , but the advice helps


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## BBWMoon (Mar 13, 2006)

Then, I will also send a hug. 

Hugs DO help... a little.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

*hugs* I guess that helped a little...


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## OriginalCyn (Mar 14, 2006)

It looks as if you've been on this board for a while, and you've posted quite a bit. I apologize, first off, that I haven't read any of your previous posts and that I don't know you better. (I don't hang out here a whole lot, as I'm busy with so many other things.)

I have to agree with you that things look depressing, when all you have to look forward to is a list of "have to's" that go with adulthood. Yes, you will have to figure out some way to support yourself--that, or allow someone to support you (which is a more-difficult accomplishment for a male). You will probably have to do some of the things to which you have an aversion, just to function as a "normal" human being in society.

Of all of your problems, finding yourself a BBW is the least of them. That is, unless you insist on being with a woman who fits a very narrow (no pun intended) description. I mean, we fat gals are literally a dime a dozen. It's the so-called "normal" men who are frustrated in the "real world," because they have to compete with a gazillion other males for all of the slender "babes." AAMOF, that's one of the main reasons for the widespread hostility toward fat women: The "normal" men are resentful that the fat gals don't seem to be trying to make themselves attractive to mainstream tastes, resulting in there not being enough slender "babes" to go around for all of the men who are attracted that type.

While there ARE women out there who are "rescuer" types (they love feeling needed, and they'll actually seek out men who have all sorts of "challenges" in their lives), it is true that most women are mentally-healthy and self-respecting enough to not want to hook up with a life-mate who has mental and other health issues--especially if those issues mean that she'll have to support him (and any children that they might have in the future) financially, as well as take total responsibility for their family's other needs. (FWIW, I used to work with a woman who was married to a man 20+ years her senior, who'd been disabled in WWII, who'd lost several limbs, who was a diabetic, and who was also [incidentally] of a different race. They had two kids together, she supported him and the kids financially, took care of all of his and the household's needs...AND she was a BBW. So this type of woman DOES exist. There are just not a whole lot of them.)

Is your "root" problem that you don't want to grow up and assume all of the responsibilities and hassles of adulthood? Is contemplating doing all of those things that you hate doing and would rather avoid what's getting you down? I'd guess that if you can tackle the whole "adulthood challenges" problem that your depression will eventually lift, AND you'll be able to attract any sort of women that you want. --ESPECIALLY a BBW, since something like 80-90% of "mainstream" American men won't be attracted to her.

In the meantime, your mom needs to know that depression is very common among teens AND that this is a time in life when suicide is all-too-common. She needs to sit up and take seriously what you're saying to her.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

I don't need to "grow up". For whatever that means.
Responsiblity is foolish. It's an obnoxious term used by a work/money obsessed society. People expect too much of others, it is moronic. A main reason why I hate people. Your advice is greatly appreciated, but, I still feel the need to find my special BBW soon. My negativity may not lift, and I may find myself in a Half Way House like my mom says... as long as I can have a computer, videogames, books, art supplies, I am good.


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## OriginalCyn (Mar 14, 2006)

...want to hook up with someone like you? You know what she would have to offer you, but what do you have to offer her? You say that you hate people, you want goodies without having to figure out a way to pay for them, and you just want to have fun, doing the stuff that you like doing all day long, while having someone else (right now, your mom?) enable you to have the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed.

Like I said, one of my former co-workers took care of a totally dependent man, so it's not outside of the realm of possibility. But still, it bears contemplating: Would YOU want to date you? Why? Or why not?


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## Aliena (Mar 14, 2006)

I have found that there are several constants in life; they are as follows:

--You're born

--Growing up, you learn, adopt, and apply numerous behavior traits; all which are molded by your external environment.

--You have to work to live.

--You live to work.

--You have to pay bills with the money you've earned from work to pay for a life that has to work. 

--You will find times in your life when you want a mate desperately. 

--You will find times in your life when you want away from your mate desperately.

--There are times that are chaotic.

--There are times that are still. 

--There are times when it won't make sense.

--There'll be times when everything makes sense. 

--You will finally come to understand your parents perspective and appreciate who they were and why. 

--You have to pay your taxes.

--You will eventually die. 


If you feel you can't adhere to any of the above, because of pressures or fears, then you have some issues that need to be addressed. I encourage you to take AnnMaries advice and take a walk to the support group in your area and yeah, they have them there. (Theyre everywhere)

If you find yourself unable to budge to get help, then tell someone (other than your mother) that has immediate access to you and a behavioral clinic--of your suicidal thoughts--so they may be your guide to getting you the help you need. 

If you don't like something--change it--no one else will, and if they do, it won't be the changes you like!

Remember this, (a thought that came to me during a dark time in my life-a thought that pushed me in the right direction-) Cataclysmic thoughts paralyze potential energy, forever freezing kinetic momentum. 

YOU have to find your outlet, no one else will! From what I surmise and admire, it is your art. YOU should take an personal itinerary, visualizing how and where you would like your life to go. You are pretty smart for your age, smarter than I was when I shared the same numbers, and I have a feeling you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. 

Being fat is not a character flaw nor is it a good excuse for a cop out. You seem pretty indignant to how you feel, so why not focus that energy towards the goodness of your life rather than the negative. 

You don't want to die; you just want the pain to stop. Well, it won't stop. At least not as long as you wallow in the lowness of the well. If you have a friend, lean on them, if you don't, lean on yourself and if you can't lean on yourself, then get help!
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Also think of it like this: there are no guarantees the pain will stop after life. How do you know it won't follow you in death? Short answer: You don't. 

Oh and by the way, I don't know what anti-depressant or bi-polar medicine you were told causes weight loss (please tell me which one it is; I'd love to know for myself) but they usually cause weight gain! 

If being fat is what makes you happy, then be happy! If it makes other people unhappy that you're happy being fat, tough shit!!
They won't handle any of the "constants of life" I listed above, so unless they have some magical button that can alter the universe as you know it, why give them any weight? (Yes, pun intended)

Love your mother, regardless of her idealologies; she is doing what she thinks is best for you based on her own personal experiences. Look at her and realize that circumstances have made her respond to you the way she does. If she is physically abusing you, tell someone. If she is just being a nagging mother, then just realize you will be an adult soon, out on your own, and as scary as that thought may seem to you now, you'll really appreciate it later. 

Spirit makes the master, (my old college quote) so I ask you this, are you a master? Do you want to be? 
If you don't like something--CHANGE IT! 


My words may come off as a lecture, but I assure you they are MY thoughts on MY experiences. You, of course, may take or leave them as you see fit. 

Good luck to you!


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

I would not want to date someone like myself if I were that perfect BBW, but, if she were perfect, she would grow immediately attatched. Then would support me so I can do things I fear and "hate" doing.
I desire someone who likes sensitive guys. A fat and happy girl. Sweet, caring, but naughty and sexual. A BBW who is a FA too. Great bodily porportions, fat everything. 180-400 pounds. Also a girl who loves to hug, kiss, and other such things. Such a wonderful BBW of my dreams would also love flaunting her stuff, and will love me flaunting my stuff to her(sexual activties, intimacy, and affection is a must.).  It's okay if some traits are missing, but a fat body is a must(any type of fat body, just has to have a large bust). I judge relationship matches by inside and outside qualities! There a potentional BBW's out there that are willing to learn the ways of self-love, bodily and inner love. I thought up some ways to help in such an endeavor. I also... want a strong woman, who is comfortable with herself and her sexuality, who knows what "true perverts" are. But anyway, there is a brief description, hahhah.

I am feeling better by just talking fat stuff! :wubu:

My fat loving, came from my soul, I do not remember anything but being fascinated with fat things. Sigh... The advice is greatly appreciated, but I never would want to be away from a mate... I am not that kind of guy. Life cannot be summed up by some words like that, though. Realize that work often ruins relationships, so does worrying about money and such. It ruins people, making them no longer themselves. You have to realize this major flaw of capitialism and consumerism... It's an adressed issue to humanity that does not hear it. All about work, and not enough play...

I am an adult, 18 years old.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 14, 2006)

I'm gonna say is this post makes me very angry!  

At 19 I wanted to die. (I'm clinically depressed and take meds for it)

At 22 someone I loved dearly took her own life.

At 31 someone else I loved like a brother tried to kill himself and wound up institutionalized.

And in the last couple of months 2 people I love dearly have told me they want to end it all.

What have I learned from all this? Life is hard. PERIOD. Nothing anyone can say or do is going to stop someone from taking their own life if they really want to die.

You need to talk to someone. NOW. Get help.

Suicide is the most SELFISH thing you could ever do. The people who love you will never get over the guilt or the broken heart.


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## Aliena (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> I would not want to date someone like myself if I were that perfect BBW, but, if she were perfect, she would grow immediately attatched. Then would support me so I can do things I fear and "hate" doing.
> I desire someone who likes sensitive guys. A fat and happy girl. Sweet, caring, but naughty and sexual. A BBW who is a FA too. Great bodily porportions, fat everything. 180-400 pounds. Also a girl who loves to hug, kiss, and other such things. Such a wonderful BBW of my dreams would also love flaunting her stuff, and will love me flaunting my stuff to her(sexual activties, intimacy, and affection is a must.).  It's okay if some traits are missing, but a fat body is a must(any type of fat body, just has to have a large bust). I judge relationship matches by inside and outside qualities! There a potentional BBW's out there that are willing to learn the ways of self-love, bodily and inner love. I thought up some ways to help in such an endeavor. I also... want a strong woman, who is comfortable with herself and her sexuality, who knows what "true perverts" are. But anyway, there is a brief description, hahhah.
> 
> I am feeling better by just talking fat stuff! :wubu:
> ...




You are unrealistic and seriously need some help. I don't like the world the way it is either, hell most of us here don't, but you're really picking up some scary notions of what makes you happy and unhappy. 

Simply put: I am not confident you're going to find what you need here; please go get some professional help. 

Oh and by the way, how can you not like using a telephone, but don't mind the computer? 

GET HELP!


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## Aliena (Mar 14, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> I'm gonna say is this post makes me very angry!
> 
> At 19 I wanted to die. (I'm clinically depressed and take meds for it)
> 
> ...



Well said Sandie! I am sorry for the loss of your friends and the sadness of your others. 
I have to admit, this thread is making me angry too! It's time I move on!


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

Oh, just perfect... now people are getting angry at me(I don't actually like hurting others or offending, that eventually takes my heart and I apologize for what I say in a rant)... and while I am feeling better too. 
I actually did not meant to say those harsh things about your opinions, Aliena , I edited that part out.
Oh yeah, let's not get into what's realistic and what is not... noone cannot judge that. Everyone sees the world... in their own way. See:"My Signature Qoute from me."
And, let's not get into what is scary or what is not scary please. But, some of my notions are very odd... fat talk does indeed make me happier, arousal always makes me feel better. There is nothing wrong with that, the healing balm of it often lasts hours or more, then I don't worry. Then again, there are many things I can do to make myself feel better besides my "scary notions" you are talking about(I may be wrong about that)... like talk about my problems.

I just hope everything is cool between everyone and me... I still feel severly depressed, but it has cooled down alot somehow.


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## missaf (Mar 14, 2006)

Life is an introspective experience. You live your own life, no one lives it for you. Someone outside of yourself isn't going to waltz into your life and answer all of life's problems and provide all the energy it takes to live two lives on their own energy. Relationships are based upon the energy and intimacy provided by two healthy people. For a short time, we are designed to carry each other's burdens, but it's not meant for life. 

People are not the answer you're looking for. The answers you need are within yourself. They are not going to come right away, it takes a lifetime to find them for some people. If you can't be patient enough with yourself to find them, that's a shame. You're denying the world a chance to get to know you and experience your loves in life. You're a good guy, you've got a lot to offer, don't spoil it by not getting help.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

Yeah... your right, I guess, Missaf.


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## Echoes (Mar 14, 2006)

1. The perfect woman does not exist. I repeat, the perfect woman does not exist. 

2. As long as you live in the USA, there's no escaping taxes, bills, etc. 

3. It is unfair to come here and ask us to show you how much we don't want you to die. 

4. None of us can help you if you do not want to help yourself. 

5. You better grow a thick skin because the real world is a rough place. You are subject to be offended at any moment without any notice.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

I said I found a woman who is "perfect for me", who loved me the way I loved her. But she is 3000 miles away... Stop thinking your opinions are 100% correct. Thick skins don't develop on everyone, realize that. I told you I know perfect does not exist, but, there are such thing as "perfect" for one's preferences and inner desires. Same counts for women searching for men. Finding my "perfect" BBW only gave me more hope that there is much more out there.

But, as they say... "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!"
Trust me, the "real world" is not supposed to be rough. People make it rough...yet, you are right, mabye my skin should thicken so I see reality to the point it is NOT rough.


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## Echoes (Mar 14, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> I'm gonna say is this post makes me very angry!
> 
> At 19 I wanted to die. (I'm clinically depressed and take meds for it)
> 
> ...




Sandie, your post definitely speaks to me. 

From ages 12-22, I was severely depressed and suicidal. 

11 days after my 22nd birthday, one of my best friends took his life. There's a whole lot to the story, but basically he would do this same thing to me all the time. Look to me to talk him down, so to speak. The guilt and responsibility I felt-- and still feel-- is overwhelming. 

I helped him find psychologists, I encouraged him to enter an institution, and I gave him phone numbers to call in case of an emergency. He'd go to the psychologist a couple of times and then quit. In his last letter to me he said, "help just don't help." I don't think there's anything you can do for people that don't want to help themselves. 

After he took his own life, I decided that I needed to get my act together. There is no way in hell I would ever put anyone else through what I am going through.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

I said I was feeling better... seriously... read post #31 of mine. but, it's still kind of there, yet, it's lifting itself. You must understand I often do have to rant to people I know who can help me help myself, it takes some extra slapping in my face to make me realize what everyone is saying in my blind rage of sadness and despair.
I admit, I still feel VERY depressed, but, a bit more calm.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 14, 2006)

I'm sorry you've been through this too. You never get over it. I'm 45 now and sometimes I STILL want to call my friend who died over 20 years ago. *sigh*



Echoes said:


> Sandie, your post definitely speaks to me.
> 
> From ages 12-22, I was severely depressed and suicidal.
> 
> ...


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen. You have no idea what your life is going to become. You think you know - but you don't. If you are feeling better - great. Now tomorrow morning go find someone to talk to who can help you.

Do you have any idea how your post touched me and why it made me angry??? Well the person I loved who is dead because of depression could have gotten help too. She took the easy way out for her - the hard way for me. She's are at peace I will spend the rest of my life wondering what elseI could have done. 

And honestly if a few posts on a web board made you feel better - you are nowhere near suicide. Right now my best friend is holding onto her life by her fingertips. She struggles everday to just get up. She's Bi-polar and can't find a reason to go on. She's been depressed all her life. The meds don't help anymore. BUT - she has tried everything to help herself and I understand her grief at still feeling so bad.

What have you done to help yourself? That's why I'm angry at your post. You have a world of help at your disposal and you do nothing?? You have your whole life before you and you say you wanna die?? You have a ton of growing up to do.




Arkveveen said:


> I said I was feeling better... seriously... read post #31 of mine. but, it's still kind of there, yet, it's lifting itself. You must understand I often do have to rant to people I know who can help me help myself, it takes some extra slapping in my face to make me realize what everyone is saying in my blind rage of sadness and despair.
> I admit, I still feel VERY depressed, but, a bit more calm.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

Yeah... you are right... I just don't know what to do. I need to try to resist such depression again, it feels terrible, and we all had suffered like that once.
It is hard to grow up... but I fear people, I don't want to talk to anyone in real life. In fear I may look, act, talk, walk, or whatever in a stupid way or sound stupid.(don't ask, I have some sort of paranoia that people are annoyed to see me) And in a fat hating society too...
Yeah, I do appreciate all your info and advice... I am being stubborn in pretending it means nothing. I should just take the things I agree with instead and let the things that offended me strengthen my skin.


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## Emma (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> Well, I am the most depressed today(when I wrote this post) then I ever been. I am starting to ponder suicide more, it's so bad, I am panting with my breath as the despair overcomes me. Alot of reasons contribute to this.
> 
> 1. My fear and "hatred" for most human beings, except friends or everyone on this website. I cannot ponder the thought of getting a job, worrying that I will be forced to worry about paying stupid bills, having no time for things I enjoy, making me a dull, passionless person. Destroying my love of fat, dragons, art, videogames, books, and my love of friends.



You sound just like me. I feel like I don't connect with human beings whatsoever. I mean online it's fine but in class I won't speak to them (apart from my friends, I don't have many because it's very rare i connect with people) I do actually feel cut off from society because I don't want to be around people. I don't have a job, nor do I want one because the thought of having to be around people so much is hellish. 

Yes there are low days/weeks. But there's no point killing yourself over it. I have been hospitalised after attempts before and then like a few weeks later things are OK again. You'll just have to learn to get through it. I personally don't think professional help helps. It might for you, but it doesn't for me because I just don't know how to communicate to these people. You just have to device your own little ways of coping. Let yourself get angry if you must. Scream, shout and smash things at a wall lol. Listen to angry music and scream your heart out. It normally helps. Depression can be a manifestation of frustration and anger at being frustrated. 

Suicides can go wrong and if you think you're depressed now, imagine how you'd feel after a suicide attempt. You could be paralised or brain damaged and then you'd have to live out your life like that because you wouldn't be able to finish the job.


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## Vince (Mar 14, 2006)

Hi Arkveveen. Okay, you are an angry young man and that is fine. Nothing wrong with being cynical about the world and the people in it. You have a few challenges ahead of you and I guess part of what depresses you as you enter adulthood is that things will have to change sooner or later. Oh, your mum loves you and worries about you. That is one person you can trust. 

You said you were a big guy and I bet you worry about your ability to get a gal. Do you think it is easy to ask a girl out? Nope. Most of us get cold feet and just dream about them. So you are quite normal there. You said you have met a really nice bbw but she lives 3000 miles away. So what, go and see her! Find a way to do it. Maybe if things worked out you would find the hope you so desperately need. On the other hand not going saves you from being disappointed. That is the same excuse we give ourselves when we don't dare talk to girls because we fear being rejected most of all. It is far better to remain lonely than to be rejected! 

I guess you know that playing games all day and going on the internet isn't all that it is cracked up to be. Heck, you need money to get the latest console and games. Your mates will be getting jobs or going to college so I guess you worry about the future, too. Where is all this going? Well, know what? You have to decide if it is all worthwhile. No one else can do that for you. There is so much fun to be had out there. There is so much to live for. 

When I was a young guy I didn't date much in high school or college. How the heck did that happen? I changed things big time when I decided to start going with the gals who liked me or who were interested in me. What a blessing that was. Those gals I fancied wouldn't give me the time of day. Those who liked me were fun to be with and all of a sudden my life was full and I was having fun. Once you start having fun and getting positive feelings out of life everything is better. One day you might get up and go out and look for work! That is another huge challenge because it is so easy to be disappointed and rejected again. You can always blame your size and lack of education. Hey, you write okay for someone your age so you are smart enough to get a job doing heaps of interesting things. That is what you have a brain for. To solve your problems and get your needs satisfied. 

Most people in this thread are telling you to seek professional help. Well, you are the only one who knows what you need. What is this hating phones deal? I thought all you young people had mobile phones with cameras and MP3 players inside? Gosh, things must be bleak if you don't have one of those. I mean how uncool is that? 

Anyway, you sound okay to me. I hope you wake up tomorrow and think about some of the things said to you. Oh, how the heck can you post on a site like this for a while and not meet any interesting young BBW? That doesn't seem possible. They are saying the same thing you are saying about the quality of their lives! 

By the way, you are way too young to have all those vivid ideas and fantasies about what you want to do with a girlfriend! Make friends first and go from there. What would happen if you met a really sweet large woman and she had small boobs? Goodness me maybe you have to be a bit less particular about just who you want to meet. Go out and meet the gals who smile at you or who are nice gals. After you make friends with them you will find you can have a lot of fun. Sex is not something that you should be pursuing at your age. Well, if it happens then that is nice but it is not necessary to experience with a girlfriend. You have a lot of time ahead of you for that stuff!


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## Vince (Mar 14, 2006)

Hey, Arkveveen, wanna hear a funny story? Well, I had this philosophy party while at uni and had the class over to discuss various things such as the movie "Judgement at Nuremburg" about the Nazi attrocities. Anyway I got into this ethical debate with this tall, cynical German student. We talked about helping those in trouble and I came up with the situation where I was supposed to be outside on the roof threatening to jump. I asked him what he would do. He sneered and said he would tell me to jump! I was so pissed off I told him if I had been in that situation in real life and an asshole said that to me I would come off the roof and beat the shit out of him! He recoiled at my words and that was the end of that debate!


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## Jes (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> Yeah... you are right... I just don't know what to do. I need to try to resist such depression again, it feels terrible, and we all had suffered like that once.
> It is hard to grow up... but I fear people, I don't want to talk to anyone in real life. In fear I may look, act, talk, walk, or whatever in a stupid way or sound stupid.(don't ask, I have some sort of paranoia that people are annoyed to see me) And in a fat hating society too...
> Yeah, I do appreciate all your info and advice... I am being stubborn in pretending it means nothing. I should just take the things I agree with instead and let the things that offended me strengthen my skin.


Oh for god's sake. Depression is an illness, like ...an infected leg or something. Unless you're a practicing christian scientist, you're not going to fix an infected leg or a depressed brain by thinking about it or praying about it, or whatever. You're already in therapy and I'm guessing you have some sort of generalized anxiety disorder and maybe even Asberger's syndrome. Please realize there are treatments for these disorders and that they don't tend to come from within, and they certainly don't tend to come from a webboard. There is NO shame in needing and getting help from the medical profession. That certainly doesn't mean you can't come here to vent and get support, but please realize that when you describe your disorders (when any of us describe our disorders) to a group of people online, you're opening yourself to the opinions of a group of arm chair pyschologists.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> A professional will not help. They lable fat lovers as mentally ill. Even if I tell things to them when they ask... and that will never happen. I do feel like I need to call someone, but I hate phones too.
> There also have been numerous times I was pumped up to ask out that girl I know and REALLY like out, but never got around to asking her.



Oh, not TRUE. I can name you a very good psychatrist if you'd like to PM me who is a BBW and who first got me interested in fat acceptance at 15, at the worst of my own ED.


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## gangstadawg (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> I cannot help but think and worry. I especially feel suicidal after anti-fat things or when I am offended.
> I do not fear death, seriously... so suicide is sounding pretty good by now.


kid go join the military.


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## EtobicokeFA (Mar 14, 2006)

Depression is a serious matter.

We will try to help you and much as possbile, however I would take TheSadeianLinguist up on giving her psychatrist friend's info, from the sound of it, she can do more that we could.


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## RedHead (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> I don't need to "grow up". For whatever that means.
> Responsiblity is foolish. It's an obnoxious term used by a work/money obsessed society. People expect too much of others, it is moronic. A main reason why I hate people. Your advice is greatly appreciated, but, I still feel the need to find my special BBW soon. My negativity may not lift, and I may find myself in a Half Way House like my mom says... as long as I can have a computer, videogames, books, art supplies, I am good.




Ark,

Get some help NOW....the above post could have been from my ex-husband...who in reality was one seriously disturbed man of 40 when we divorced. Do not wait until you hurt yourself or someone else because of your rage.

What you are doing is selfish and hypocrital...I don't like phones...I don't like to read...I don't want a job...but I want a BBW...you are acting like a three year old.

With age comes responsibilities...unless you intend to be a street person...but even then there are rules.

Quit whining and do something...until then quit dripping your drivel here! Until you decide to do something about it...


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## OriginalCyn (Mar 14, 2006)

gangstadawg said:


> kid go join the military.



I understand what you're getting at, but, as desperate as the military may be to fill their quotas, they do not take EVERYBODY. 

AAMOF, yesterday I read a very interesting newspaper article about people being turned away from the Army. The reasons? 
Mental health issues. Check. 
Obesity. Check again. 
Low I.Q. Not the case here.
Tattoos, especially gang-related tattoos. Presumably not the case here, either, but then one never knows.

But--as I said--I think that I know where you're coming from: _Take the whiny-assed "kid", put him in the army, and make a mature man outta him._ Nope, sorry--it doesn't work that way. It's a fantasy that's rather tempting to ponder, though, huh? In any case, being sarky toward Ark is not helpful; it only serves to vent your own frustration at what seems to be a spoiled brat who refuses to deal with reality and insists on living in his own fantasy world. --On his mom's pocketbook. --And maybe on your tax dollar after his mom get tired of supporting him.


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## Cat (Mar 14, 2006)

You answer a lot of your questions and seekings yourself.

For instance, _"Trust me, the "real world" is not supposed to be rough. People make it rough..."_

Your perception of reality is what is causing you this angst. If you can step back away from yourself for a minute, you will see this to be true.

Also, I don't see depression in your words. I see a great depth to your feelings and wants, not unlike most 18 year olds. The thoughts of "suicide" are most likely a strong desire to end the depth of the sensations you are feeling, rather than a true desire to completely rid the world of your presence. Fortunately, you will get older, and you will see the world change in your perception and in reality. Things will feel different and your wants, desires and hopes will change. All you need to do is ride the waves of perception. 


Now, for the legal mumbo jumbo: These opinions are simply my own as your "armchair therapist". Your mileage may vary. In order to completely cover myself, I do need you to seek the advice of a professional if the thoughts of suicide drive you anywhere close to actual demise


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

My desires will never change... but my perception will of reality and things... I still won't go for a BBW who is unporportioned in the chest and big everywhere. I may have specific preferences, but as long as the body part is down, I can go for someone who is 75% of what I truly desire. The BBW I met who is 3000 miles away does not count, she is too far away. I am not going all that way, how would I survive at this current state of mind? I rather find a BBW nearby, which seems impossible.

I just don't know what to think or say anymore... Thank you everyone... But I don't even know what will happen to me in the future.


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## Vince (Mar 14, 2006)

The good news is you are still here. The bad news is things haven't changed except now you have a lot of people worrying about you and trying to help you. 

Hang onto your goals whether it be a DD cup or whatever it is you think will fulfill you. When you get more experience you will probably change many things that you wouldn't think would ever change. 

I think your biggest problem right now is finding out if you are lovable or not. Your test is whether you can get a large girlfriend to love you. You aren't going to find out until and unless you ask her out. You can forget about the long-distance affair because neither of you can afford those logistics. At least you know that you can befriend a gal who likes you. 

So, do you have any idea how to go about getting that gal? Huh? You will wait a long time before any hot gal actually initiates a relationship. Your disclosures about how you feel and the pain and loneliness might strike a chord with many women. However, if you have serious issues then that would be a bummer to any but the most kindhearted out there. On the one hand you are this tender, sensitive lad and on the other you have a lot of sorting out to do to become a man. Take it one day at a time. At least you are confronting your demons and that took a lot of courage to do. We all detect how hopeless things appear to you. Those of us who have not had it all that easy can tell you things will get better. You got to hang out with your mates more and go join a gym or something and build yourself up. You are sounding way too much the victim and victims seldom know what the heck to do.


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## Cat (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> My desires will never change... but my perception will of reality and things... I still won't go for a BBW who is unporportioned in the chest and big everywhere. I may have specific preferences, but as long as the body part is down, I can go for someone who is 75% of what I truly desire. The BBW I met who is 3000 miles away does not count, she is too far away. I am not going all that way, how would I survive at this current state of mind? I rather find a BBW nearby, which seems impossible.
> 
> I just don't know what to think or say anymore... Thank you everyone... But I don't even know what will happen to me in the future.



A couple more observations:

Read the words you use in the above post --"will never change", "won't go", "does not count", "too far away", "seems impossible", etc, etc. 
The focus on the negative is obvious. 

What you see as "perfection" is only a perception. 

What you see as 3000 insurmountable miles is only your perception. 

You have the right and the obligation to yourself to change your perception of your world toward the positive. You have the right, too, to wallow in self pity, disappointment and anger. 

The choice is yours. 

(Again, just my opinion as an armchair therapist. Take it 'er leave it.)


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## moonvine (Mar 14, 2006)

Aliena said:


> Oh and by the way, how can you not like using a telephone, but don't mind the computer?



That's easy..I love computers and abhor telephones. But I still use a phone on my job because I have to. When I'm off work though good luck getting me via phone..phones *shudder*


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## Zoom (Mar 14, 2006)

I cannot offer you help. I am in a worse situation than you are. I have never dated in all my 35 years, and have serious difficulties asking a woman out. I have no car so I wouldn't be able to swing by and "pick her up" for a date, and I do not have the money to be able to support a wife, let alone a family.

But, what makes me feel good is coming here to hear how everyone else is doing. It's like a bunch of friends keeping in touch.

I am glad you posted your feelings here. Far too often there will be some abusive SOB on a forum describing such posts as "emo" and making fun of it. But I am glad you decided to let your feelings and frustrations show.

Your woman who is three thousand miles away may be as sad as you are, if she feels the same way for you. I am sorry to hear this. But, I am glad you have found somebody.

I hope your love for her will find a way.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

Thank you, everyone. 
I know, as I experience things, I will eventually change my perception. But my ideal "match" preferences won't change, and gaurentee I will be much more of a refined FA than I already am. Much more of a fat lover, and a much better person towards all the things I fear. It is still difficult for me to fathom me confronting my fears, but, if I do, it will only show that there is nothing to fear. I have done many brave acts already that I thought I could never do!

Really, I like DD's to Z cups. Hhahahaha, just like how I like 180-400 pounds.  I just really love those all around fat girls, with adorable personalities, packed with sweetness as well as naughtyness. Apple, pear, all around, buxom, you name it. Just general poportion to forumlate my kind of BBW. Then, throw in all the wonderful personality qualities. I know such a girl exists nearby, she is just making her way towards me, I know it! I just really love the thought of another one's fat pushing agaisnt my own, and since I barely have man boobs, a pair of D's and beyond will fit nice and snug in an embrace!

I know I may be spoiled, but I am not living in a fantasy world. Trust me, I can get into my fantasy world whenever I need it, really, I realize my "I want" is a childish thing.
I shouldn't say I don't want to lose weight, I should say how I feel... I DO NOT FEEL THE NEED OR WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, AT ALL. I also should not say I want a BBW as a life partner. I should say "I REALLY WOULD LOVE A BBW OF MY DREAMS TO COME INTO MY LIFE!" This kind of wisdom was provided by a friend. I realize my depression is also coming from being TOO cold footed around that BBW around my age at High School, or from not getting to my goals.


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## ataraxia (Mar 14, 2006)

I repeat my earlier suggestion - regardless of how you feel right now. The intervening posts have only strengthened my conviction that reading that book is a good idea for you.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

Yeah... definitely.


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## Jes (Mar 14, 2006)

Zoom said:


> I cannot offer you help. I am in a worse situation than you are. I have never dated in all my 35 years, and have serious difficulties asking a woman out. I have no car so I wouldn't be able to swing by and "pick her up" for a date, and I do not have the money to be able to support a wife, let alone a family.
> 
> .


The crazy thing is, Zoom, if I liked you, the things above wouldn't deter me in the least (which assumes you'd ask me out, not a safe assumption, since you won't even answer my messages.  ) 

I'm just saying people--sometimes, the things we think are roadblocks (I do it, too) aren't.


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## missaf (Mar 14, 2006)

I'm not worried about a man supporting me financially, I'll take care of my share, thank you. So like Jes, that wouldn't deter me in the slightest. If however, it was a leeching situation, and he wanted me to pull the weight for both, yeah, he'd be walkin'


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## The Weatherman (Mar 14, 2006)

Oh man, Arkeveen, your situation pretty much mirrors mine 5 months ago. I was 18, just starting college, and incredibly insecure about the fact that I had never had a girlfriend in high school. When I got there, I found my roommate was a jerk, everyone spent their weekends drinking (I don't drink and never will for personal reasons--alcoholism in my family, not wanting to lose self-control, smells and tastes bad), and I had basically no privacy, which I cherish as a more introverted person. Anyways, one day out of the blue, this gorgeous BBW started hitting on me... I was thrilled, so I asked her out. We went on a couple dates, and she decided I was just not right for her... and I just lost it. I thought that my relationship status was everything, and that I just couldn't deal with more rejection... I still actually don't quite know what I felt, but I was completely overwhelmed with college in the first place, and this was just icing on the cake. I attempted suicide. Luckily, my roommate discovered me before I got too far... I went to the hospital, and soon after I got there, I realized that I had just fallen too far... I still wear the hospital bands around my wrist as an inspiration for me... whenever I start feeling down, and I look at my wrists and realize that I don't ever want to be back in that situation, ever, and that what I'm going through now is nothing compared to that. I'm seeing a therapist, and it's doing wonders for me. My whole senior year in high school I had a therapist as well, but it did nothing for me because I kept thinking that it was below me and couldn't do anything for me, so I didn't let it. I just basically argued with the guy through all our sessions. My new therapist, I actually listen to him, and it's done a world of good for me. So I know what it's like to be crying out for help but to be too proud to accept it. You may feel the need to respond to this post combatively in public... but in private, please consider my words seriously. There's no shame in it.

Best of luck,

Mark, aka, the Weatherman


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## MissMirandaRae (Mar 14, 2006)

my god, 

people like you grate on my nerves to no end. whine cry threaten suicide to ploy on peoples emotions.


I understand that you may have a deep depression but you have the ability to get help. If you chose not to and then threaten suicide its noones fault but yourself.

you threaten suicide like a drug addict craves for another fix. 

You want a woman to take care of you like you were 5 years old. Any SMART self respecting woman (of any size) wouldnt do that and even if she did she would eventuly get sick of the bullshit.

You need to stop thinking about sex and woman and GET Help, Get over your "hate" of people and realize that there are people out there specificaly trained to help those with depression. Medication is there to help you. And if you feel that having medication will change who you are perhaps you should also get checked out for personality nerosis and psycosis. 

And for god sakes stop threatening to kill yourself.

Both my father and my uncle killed them selves. My father when I was 9 and my uncle when I was 8.

Life is hard my mother just died of june last year and I had to take on responsibilitys and pay bills. 
I had to learn to do things that I didnt think I would have to do for quite a while.

wory wory wory. If you dont take care of your responsibilities then obviously if you ended up homeless that wouldnt bother you. But if it does then take charge of your life. I repeat.. Get help! work on yourself before you even think of finding a girlfriend and once you are willing to "grow up" then look for one

your only 18 dont think for a second that anything good is going to happen at 18.. Im a compleatly different person then when I was 18.. Life happens, get used to it

by the way.. im only 22.


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## The Weatherman (Mar 14, 2006)

Miranda:

I have to respectfully disagree with you. When people threaten suicide, they are already so unstable that yelling at them just makes things worse. A sane person does not threaten suicide, period, even if it is just a plea for attention, as you assume. Someone who is desperate enough to threaten suicide for attention is mentally unbalanced, and they deserve compassion, not scorn. If you can't give it, you don't have to say anything. You're not obligated to reply.


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## missaf (Mar 14, 2006)

Some people threaten suicide to get attention, because they hunger for the reponses from people, and that's how they get their fix. They're drama queens, who want nothing more than to be noticed, as a way to reach out for someone to love them. 

If they have avenues of help and refuse them, then they're drama queens, and know what they have to do to end the cycle of depression. Compassion is given, but if it's not used by the receiving party, that's their problem.


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## Vince (Mar 14, 2006)

Listen, James, you don't seem to interact with the guys who post here. I am giving you some advice and you seem to not even acknowledge it. That is fine because you can use what is beneficial and disregard the rest. I would like to know if you have a dad at home and what your relationship with him is. Sorry if you mentioned this somewhere but I have seen you mention only your mum. She seems to think it is all in your head. You know what? She is right. 

Anyway, you are very sure about what you need regarding an ideal bbw. When I read your requirements you mention stuff like anywhere between 180 and 400 pounds. That is so vague I don't know what to say. From your drawings I would say you fancy someone supersized and big all over. Your requirements will evolve as you get some experience. Heck, you remind me of those guys in that movie Porky. Or American Pie. Your problem is universal. 

Now, I don't want to spoil things for you but there is far worse than what you are experiencing. The Weatherman said losing a loved one is shattering. So, imagine you get the nerve to ask this hot babe out and she was dying for you to do so. You get along like you have known each other all your lives. Things advance and you have sex and you are on cloud nine. Things couldn't be better. Then one day out of nowhere she tells you she has found someone else! With your mental makeup you will go into a very deep depression because you won't be able to handle that abandonment and rejection. If you listen to a lot of romantics songs you know that unrequieted love is painfull indeed. 

So, undo your belt and look for trouble. Get out with your mates and stop hanging around the damn house. What you need isn't there. If you don't try something and risk failing you are going to be here a long time apologizing to everyone for what you can't or won't do. Can't you sense how most of the women are fed up with trying to help you? That is what I see. They are getting a bit angry because you are crying over nothing at all. Some people accept that they can't work things out by themselves. That is what you say over and over. Well, do something about it. Talk to someone who you trust and who will listen to you.

Oh, yes, you have that saying all things can be good bad and indifferent according to how you see things. Well, that also means your BBW will have negative things and so will you to her. About time you started accepting your own wisdom.


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## MissMirandaRae (Mar 14, 2006)

exactly missaf

I had this friend, who is no longer a friend who constantly used to threaten suicide every time she got upset.

I finaly said, fine go ahead and do it but dont expect me to show up at your funeral because your just selfish.

Ive lost 2 people to suicide and belive me their selfish acts still resonate.

I didnt just scorn him "Weatherman" I sugested he get help as well.

depression is a serious thing. 

Im lucky enough to not suffer from its as most of my relitives do.

But to threaten suicide on a website begs for attention because its not like we can go to his house and see if it is for real.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 14, 2006)

Hooray! Someone other than me has caught on to his bullshit! Thanks Red, Miranda, and Missaf!

What really galls me is when I see so many offer help, and he's taken it up 0 times. I mean, he's sitting here, making demands like a terrorist saying things like, "You WILL support me." I don't think I've seen severely depressed people with that kind of self-esteem. Looks like horseshit, folks, but remember, I wasn't the first to say it!


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

There is something wrong with big shot "tough" girls... seriously... I do not want to hear people yell at me and tell me to stop thinking about things. I can think and feel what I truly feel. It is my life. The people who nag about others are the ones at fault in the end(perhaps me too), I understand I need to get help, but now, I just don't know what to do. You cannot make me stop hating the majority of mankind by saying me to get over it. It cannot be helped, at all. Unless you think I am some kind of pervert... that is a term weak women use. I am not a BAD pervert at least, I am a GOOD pervert. (See my qoute in my signature once again.) At least I despise rape, child molestation, and unwanted or undesired sex by a man or woman. My requirements will never change, that is a major worry of mine, that my requirements will somehow change! I am a FA of highest degree, my preference is always going to be like this. Some people just cannot accept how others are. My dream BBW would not find anything negative in me except my stupid issues and negative attitude. My wisdom also means... whatever is popping out of yuor mouth now, including me, is your opinion. No matter how much you think it's proven fact. My wisdom means "one person may say something about another that is bad, but then someone else will say something good. It's a matter of personal perspective."

I don't need to change at all. Just this depression, my negativity, and the like. That is mainly comprised of what I worry about all the time. I am grateful for the way I am under this issue of mine!

I reccomend all those who wish to post on this thread to give good, compassionate advice, not foolish "tough guy/girl" B.S. I need friendly people to teach me my lesson, those who can mantain their cool and not get angry at such foolish things. Sheesh. But then again, who am I to be ordering you all around? I am a kind person, I don't need to be angry at any of you.

But, NEVER, EVER, tell me what to do. Miranda, this goes out for you especially, for being too "tough". It may help toughen me up, but hey, we all can't be brutes now, right? Okay, never judge me either by my actions. I know this is a place of wonderful, great people, that will listen to my troubles, do not spoil it.

I am also acknoweldging your words.. I said thank you many times to EVERYONE.

I am beginning to regret this post... you do know that I feel even more in need to commit suicide after I anger, hurt, sadden, or whatever to people? Like after posting a simple post on a site that I thought was filled with great people? I am serious!

Mabye I am just begging for attention now... but, I still have this severe depression.... what have I done?


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

By the way, I prefer chubby to supersize. Fat is fat, always beautiful, sexy, wonderful, lush... AT ANY SIZE. What I draw makes no difference, it's a matter of perspective when it comes to how big someone is. I think my preference is very well broad due to this. I prefer big all over though. That will never change.(personality matters alot TOO in my eyes)
It is all a matter of perspective as you give me advice and things I can do. Now, can someone tell someone else to delete this post? Or should I do it? I don't even know if I am getting attention, when I am very depressed, I tend to do these things!!! I tend to start some odd thread on some message board, it has happened before. Understand that this is one situation that I again... have failed my promise to never do this again to myself and others.


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## MissMirandaRae (Mar 14, 2006)

My god your a fucking moron.


Fine you wont change you wont get help.

Your full of shit, your a fucking troll. you come here plying for sympathy for something that if it is real is at the end your own fault because you refuse to get help.

Fuck you.


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## Arkveveen (Mar 14, 2006)

I did not even mean to offend... what is wrong with people? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Miranda... you are overreacting, really. I did not even say anything bad... oh yeah, guess that "70%-90% of things said by one person is taken the wrong way by others" is right in this situation... Now, I feel like I should just kill myself, I cannot forgive myself when I anger someone like this... I cannot EVER forgive myself for doing this!!!

What am I going to do... I just need to apologize and end this post for good... before everyone hates me!!!

I ALSO SAID I WILL CHANGE EVENTUALLY!!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!! I SAID MY NEGATIVITY AND DEPRESSION WILL GO AWAY IF I GET HELP!!!! WHY DO PEOPLE ACT LIKE THIS?! WHY DO THEY TAKE THINGS THE WRONG WAY?! I NEVER FELT LIKE HURTING ANYONE... I never ever want to hurt, ANYONE... now I just cannot live with myself. I AM NOT REFUSING DAMN IT!!!! WHAT AM I DOING TO REFUSE IT?! I NEVER SAID I WILL NEVER GET HELP!!!! THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!


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## AnnMarie (Mar 14, 2006)

Arkveveen said:


> Now, can someone tell someone else to delete this post? Or should I do it? I don't even know if I am getting attention, when I am very depressed, I tend to do these things!!! I tend to start some odd thread on some message board, it has happened before.



You can't delete this thread, and the edit feature that used to be available indefinitly is now limited to 15 mins. 

The reason is that people have spent almost 24 hours listening to you, giving heartfelt advice (regardless of whether you took it or wanted to hear it), and to have a poster come along and decide "never mind, I'm done now" is not good for the community. 

I could delete it but won't, and perhaps it's just something to keep in mind - for anyone - when you post asking for advice or opening yourself up to it. You can't unring the bell, and hopefully you'll read it again later and get something new from it. 

I'm locking the thread so this will end, please consider some of the helpful advice offered here.

Best.


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