# Not sure if it's my insecurities talking or I am seeing a red flag.



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 14, 2019)

What do you make of it when a guy is supposedly attracted to your large body but does not want to be fat himself? I am talking to a seemingly great guy with whom there is supposedly mutual attraction and chemistry. This man has talked about wanting to, as they call it, "get ripped" and works out -- sometimes, at least, if I am correct. I don't know how often he does it or if he has even stuck to it at all.

Anyway, if I recall correctly, he has talked about getting rid of belly fat (or something along those lines). At most, he has a little bit of pudge, but is pretty much thin.
I ask myself if he can be genuinely attracted to me, a woman who is obviously fat at 300 pounds and has a very large, round gut when he does not want to have a body like mine.


----------



## SUCH GOOD DIAMONDS (Jun 14, 2019)

I am really thin and athletic. I jog and I eat specific health foods and I am intense about my diet. That being said I love bigger girls. And I like staying thin because I want to be in good shape so bigger girls like me. I want big girls to like me as much as I want big girls so I stay thin if that makes sense.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 14, 2019)

SUCH GOOD DIAMONDS said:


> I am really thin and athletic. I jog and I eat specific health foods and I am intense about my diet. That being said I love bigger girls. And I like staying thin because I want to be in good shape so bigger girls like me. I want big girls to like me as much as I want big girls so I stay thin if that makes sense.



Would you say you are very health conscious and rarely eat junk food and get regular exercise? It seems that is what you said. I just am a bit skeptical he could really want me when he does not want to look like me. Is it like a fat body is "bad" or "gross" but not if it's his lover's?


----------



## SUCH GOOD DIAMONDS (Jun 14, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> Would you say you are very health conscious and rarely eat junk food and get regular exercise? It seems that is what you said. I just am a bit skeptical he could really want me when he does not want to look like me. Is it like a fat body is "bad" or "gross" but not if it's his lover's?



Yeah generally health conscious. I don't like lift weights to be crazy or anything but I stay in shape. But I love big girls I think girls with big butts and tummies are really hot. So like I stay in fit shape because like I can go for a jog while she eats cake because I like big girls so I stay fit because I appreciate her you know.


----------



## loopytheone (Jun 14, 2019)

It's really common to find fit/athletic guys into fat women, or visa versa with fat guys. You don't have to want to be fat yourself to be attracted to fat people, the two things aren't really related.

@happily_married is a good example of a fit, health focus man who is attracted to much larger women, for instance (hope you don't mind me name dropping you here, HM!)


----------



## landshark (Jun 14, 2019)

loopytheone said:


> It's really common to find fit/athletic guys into fat women, or visa versa with fat guys. You don't have to want to be fat yourself to be attracted to fat people, the two things aren't really related.
> 
> @happily_married is a good example of a fit, health focus man who is attracted to much larger women, for instance (hope you don't mind me name dropping you here, HM!)



I don’t mind at all! I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried!

OP, I’ll second @SUCH GOOD DIAMONDS take on it. I don’t work our hard so bigger girls will like me* (already married anyway) I work out because I like being in shape and looking a certain way. But that doesn’t mean I want that from my partner.

It’s somewhat ironic because I’ve worked out with some insanely fit women who are the envy of every guy in the gym, and yet she doesn’t even make me hard!

There’s nothing abnormal about how the guy you’re talking to feels. It also isn’t an indictment on your body that he doesn’t want to have the male version of it. There’s no substance at all to that dynamic, attraction simply doesn’t work that way.

Be confident in yourself. You’ve posted enough pics here so I know what you look like and you have every reason to strut your stuff and believe it when a guy of any shape or size says he is attracted to you.

*my wife isn’t the most visually stimulated woman but every now and again she makes a comment about what she likes. Sometimes I can’t do anything about it, but a lot of times I can. She likes chest, shoulders, and biceps for example. Guess what I do? I work my ass off in the weight room, esp those muscle groups for her specifically because I want her to want to eat me alive every time she sees me w no shirt on.


----------



## FleurBleu (Jun 14, 2019)

I'm skinny, underweight in fact, and wouldn't like myself big. However, I'm a member of Dims for a reason: I'm an FFA and happy to be one.

So yes, it's very possible your guy is into you. Good luck


----------



## Tad (Jun 14, 2019)

And in fact getting involved with you may motivate him towards the gym -- both because he may assume that is what you want, and ti heighten the contrast.

If that is not the look you like in a guy, then you need to find a tactful way to let him know.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 14, 2019)

SUCH GOOD DIAMONDS said:


> Yeah generally health conscious. I don't like lift weights to be crazy or anything but I stay in shape. But I love big girls I think girls with big butts and tummies are really hot. So like I stay in fit shape because like I can go for a jog while she eats cake because I like big girls so I stay fit because I appreciate her you know.



How do you define "big", though? I am guessing you really mean "a little overweight", like, a woman with a bit of pudge, not a 400-pound woman with a large, protruding belly, double chin, et cetera.

It's been my experience overwhelmingly that guys who look like you are not interested in women like me -- not even for just sex.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 14, 2019)

loopytheone said:


> It's really common to find fit/athletic guys into fat women, or visa versa with fat guys. You don't have to want to be fat yourself to be attracted to fat people, the two things aren't really related.
> 
> @happily_married is a good example of a fit, health focus man who is attracted to much larger women, for instance (hope you don't mind me name dropping you here, HM!)



"It's really common to find fit/athletic guys into fat women..."

We must live on different planets or what you define as "fat" is not what I define as fat. I was on Tinder and am on Bumble, though have not been motivated to use it since talking to this man and, save for less than 5 occasions (2-3, roughly), I never, ever matched/match with fit, attractive men. The ultra few times I did, however, the conversation went straight to sex and then the guys just stopped replying, unmatched me, whatever.

In my opinion and experience, fit men may not necessarily desire a thin woman, but that does not mean they want one my size (300 pounds) either.

I can all but 100% guarantee I will be rejected on Bumble if I come across the profile of a fit man and swipe right.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 14, 2019)

Tad said:


> And in fact getting involved with you may motivate him towards the gym -- both because he may assume that is what you want, and ti heighten the contrast.
> 
> If that is not the look you like in a guy, then you need to find a tactful way to let him know.




I already think he looks wonderful and would love him just the way he is. I hope he is my promise.


----------



## landshark (Jun 14, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> How do you define "big", though? I am guessing you really mean "a little overweight", like, a woman with a bit of pudge, not a 400-pound woman with a large, protruding belly, double chin, et cetera.
> 
> It's been my experience overwhelmingly that guys who look like you are not interested in women like me -- not even for just sex.



I can’t speak for him, but as a fit guy whose wife weight about 416 pounds at this time last year I can’t tell you this: I loved it. I’ve said it here before, that I’m not fixated on a number on the scale, but when she told me she had passed 400 pounds it made me nothing short of proud to know my wife was that big. To know that the woman I’m married to is the biggest partner I’ve ever been with. 

Not only that, but for over 9 years of our 13+ years of marriage she has weighed over 300 pounds. Of that 9 years probably 5 of them have been over 350, with 1 year and some change north of 400 pounds.

I do understand your hesitation to believe me, especially because of some of the experiences you’ve mentioned. Even I’ve encountered the “it’s ok to fuck fat chicks but not to be in a relationship with one and you’re a loser of you marry one” narrative. But not all guys are worried about that. I sure as hell am not. This guy seems interested be cautious but optimistic. Being overly defensive may result in him pulling away.


----------



## John Smith (Jun 14, 2019)

Like I've once said to somebody here on this forum who suggested that aiming our attraction toward fat amd gaining people might been hypicrite if the woo-er wouldn't be large or enlarging thyself, a straight man can be deawn into large-breasted or bottom-heavy women and not desiring to be large-breasted or bottom-heavy himself.

Desiring a peculiar category of people doesn't meant we want to be the very people.


----------



## Tad (Jun 14, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> "It's really common to find fit/athletic guys into fat women..."
> 
> We must live on different planets or what you define as "fat" is not what I define as fat.



Maybe a better way to say it is that thin FA make up a large portion of all FA. No, most thin people are not FA, but then again most fat people are not FA either. Basically what size you are doesn't have a lot to do with what sizes you are attracted to.

More importantly, if he treats you well in public and in private, then I would trust his actions.


----------



## Bama (Jun 15, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> What do you make of it when a guy is supposedly attracted to your large body but does not want to be fat himself? I am talking to a seemingly great guy with whom there is supposedly mutual attraction and chemistry. This man has talked about wanting to, as they call it, "get ripped" and works out -- sometimes, at least, if I am correct. I don't know how often he does it or if he has even stuck to it at all.
> 
> Anyway, if I recall correctly, he has talked about getting rid of belly fat (or something along those lines). At most, he has a little bit of pudge, but is pretty much thin.
> I ask myself if he can be genuinely attracted to me, a woman who is obviously fat at 300 pounds and has a very large, round gut when he does not want to have a body like mine.


I wouldn't be concerned about him not wanting to have a body like yours in determining if this guy is worth your time. Your only concerns should be how he treats you in private, how he treats you in public, and if he's even wanting to spend time with you in public. As long as he is wanting to be with you in public and treating you well at all times, then don't worry about him wanting to get ripped. Just be sure that he knows that you are who you are and that he's not allowed to try to change you are try to influence you to change. 
It is possible for a person that is "ripped" or trying to be, to be attracted to a fat woman. Whether slightly chunky, fat, very fat, extremely fat, or morbidly obese; guys of all sizes find women in all of these size ranges sexy and beautiful. I, for one, am a power lifter and body builder. I have been told that I have a "ripped" body. I am attracted to fat women, BBWs, chunky girls, thick women, or whatever you want to call them. I wouldn't encourage my girlfriend to lose weight or exercise or eat healthy. If she wanted to go into my gym sometimes, that would be her choice. You would be surprised to find out how many weightlifters and gym rats are out there with fat girlfriends.


----------



## Bama (Jun 15, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> "It's really common to find fit/athletic guys into fat women..."
> 
> We must live on different planets or what you define as "fat" is not what I define as fat. I was on Tinder and am on Bumble, though have not been motivated to use it since talking to this man and, save for less than 5 occasions (2-3, roughly), I never, ever matched/match with fit, attractive men. The ultra few times I did, however, the conversation went straight to sex and then the guys just stopped replying, unmatched me, whatever.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure why you've been having such a row of bad luck with men. I know that some guys can be jerks but not all of us are. Hopefully, things will be ok with this guy. There really are some fit/athletic guys out there that are into fat women. I know this because I am one of them.


----------



## Shotha (Jun 15, 2019)

I haven't always been fat but I've always been an FA. I used to be a thin FA and now I'm a fat FA.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 17, 2019)

Bama said:


> I'm not sure why you've been having such a row of bad luck with men. I know that some guys can be jerks but not all of us are. Hopefully, things will be ok with this guy. There really are some fit/athletic guys out there that are into fat women. I know this because I am one of them.



The thing here is the definition of the word “fat”. Like I said before, fit men may not necessarily want a stick thin or even fit woman for themselves but that doesn’t mean they want someone who is extremely heavy/morbidly obese/super morbidly obese either. This is why I’m not usually matching with thin and athletic dudes. A little overweight/chubby? Fine but not 300 pounds.

Their standards — and perhaps those of men in general — may be more forgiving than we think but only to an extent.

If you differ, I’m gonna say you’re the exception to the rule, as is that Happily Married guy. The vast majority of men who look like the aforementioned user will not have a committed relationship with a woman my size or larger — that is just a fact of life.
At most, they may have sex with women my size or larger, but I haven’t even been getting that.

People in general tend to stay within their leagues — it’s called “looksmatching” and has science to support it.


----------



## bubba350 (Jun 17, 2019)

I can understand as a fat guy I felt like you. Why would a thin woman be attracted towards me. I always found it easier to talk to other fat women. We obviously have something in common. So the conversation flows and if sex is going to happen no one is going to be surprised by what we find in the nude. I have dated thin women the relationships did not last. I haven't had the opportunity to meet a real female fat admirer. 
Unless she is very open about it I am also going to have doubts 
If he is open with you and proud of your appearance and is eager to admit his preference to friends and acquaintances. Then you can relax.
Maybe you have some fat admirer in you if so tell him.


----------



## landshark (Jun 18, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> The thing here is the definition of the word “fat”. Like I said before, fit men may not necessarily want a stick thin or even fit woman for themselves but that doesn’t mean they want someone who is extremely heavy/morbidly obese/super morbidly obese either. This is why I’m not usually matching with thin and athletic dudes. A little overweight/chubby? Fine but not 300 pounds.



As much as I want to encourage you that fit guys who like bigger girls are out there, I have to acknowledge you’re on to something here. Sort of like what I mentioned earlier in this thread, some guys will draw the line at committed relationships with bigger girls, even if they’ll have sex with them in secret. The experience I mentioned above happened on a fitness community forum, and it was hilarious because after people found out I had a fat wife nothing I said there mattered anymore, regardless of how technically sound it was.



FatBarbieDoll said:


> Their standards — and perhaps those of men in general — may be more forgiving than we think but only to an extent.
> 
> If you differ, I’m gonna say you’re the exception to the rule, as is that Happily Married guy. The vast majority of men who look like the aforementioned user will not have a committed relationship with a woman my size or larger — that is just a fact of life.
> At most, they may have sex with women my size or larger, but I haven’t even been getting that.
> ...



I think most here will acknowledge people who are attracted to bigger women are a minority, but I don’t necessarily buy that we’re unicorns either. That notion simply doesn’t pass the eye test. Not only that but back when I was still single I found my success rate pursuing bigger girls was no higher than before when I pursued so called “hot” girls. The take away there being these women were not desperate to take the first fit guy who came there way, they clearly had other options. So I don’t think guys like me and @Bama are outliers so much as we may just be a standard deviation away from the mean.


----------



## Starling (Jun 18, 2019)

I think it’s telling that you used the phrase “standards may be more forgiving” re: non-fit guys being into BBW. As a fit woman who has never been attracted to fit men, I think you are missing the “A” part in (F)FA pretty majorly. 

People who are attracted to BHMs and BBWs aren’t attracted because they’re “forgiving” - they’re attracted because a big man/woman makes their head spin, because a flirty encounter with a large barista makes their entire day, because rolls and chins and bellies make their pulse race. It’s not something they have much of a say in, the way you don’t have much of a say in who you are attracted to. It’s generally not related to how they view themselves - for instance, a very masculine presenting man who prefers very feminine presenting women usually doesn’t secretly try on his girlfriend’s makeup, nor does his girlfriend usually wish she could grow a beard. What we like in ourselves and what gets the blood racing can often be quite different.


----------



## FleurBleu (Jun 18, 2019)

Exactly. We FFAs aren't any less shallow than the rest of the world. We just like different things 

"rolls and chins and bellies make their pulse race" - God, yes. Damn, I'm such a word nerd that a simple line as this makes me tingly...


----------



## BigElectricKat (Jun 18, 2019)

Wait. Am I missing something? You say you like the guy and the way he looks. You say the guy likes you. Yet you question whether his feelings are genuine?


----------



## Bama (Jun 18, 2019)

Very well said, @Starling. Our desires and attractions often has very little to do with what we look like. What we are attracted to and what we are is quite often polar opposites. That is probably where the saying "Opposites attract" comes from. @FatBarbieDoll, you should give this guy and this relationship a chance. What's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out and you move on to someone else. The best that can happen? Everything works out, you get married, and have a bunch of rugrats. Give it a chance to work out.


----------



## Tad (Jun 18, 2019)

I think thethe posters above hit thethe nailnail on the head withwith thethe point thatthat FA exist, andand somesome of them areare happy to be openly with a super - sized partner.

I'll just add that you are not dating men in general, you are dating one man. PLEASE don't confuse general trends with specific preferences.

Maybe more to the point, tell him your worries ! "Dear, I have a hard time, some days, believing that a guy like you wants to be seen with a woman like me. It just seems impossible sometimes."


----------



## LifelongFA (Jun 18, 2019)

As a long time FA and observer of this wonderful slice of life, I can honestly say that I have seen a fascinating variety of couples who may not look at all like what central casting would have us believe is "normal". Focus on the individual, forget about your preconceived ideas and let his actions show you his heart!


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jun 19, 2019)

happily_married said:


> As much as I want to encourage you that fit guys who like bigger girls are out there, I have to acknowledge you’re on to something here. Sort of like what I mentioned earlier in this thread, some guys will draw the line at committed relationships with bigger girls, even if they’ll have sex with them in secret. The experience I mentioned above happened on a fitness community forum, and it was hilarious because after people found out I had a fat wife nothing I said there mattered anymore, regardless of how technically sound it was.
> 
> 
> 
> I think most here will acknowledge people who are attracted to bigger women are a minority, but I don’t necessarily buy that we’re unicorns either. That notion simply doesn’t pass the eye test. Not only that but back when I was still single I found my success rate pursuing bigger girls was no higher than before when I pursued so called “hot” girls. The take away there being these women were not desperate to take the first fit guy who came there way, they clearly had other options. So I don’t think guys like me and @Bama are outliers so much as we may just be a standard deviation away from the mean.




I also have to ask myself if any of these fit men -- and men in general -- would be open to committed relationships with fat women if there was no stigma attached to it.
Even if, in reality, there is no stigma for certain men to be with fat women, all they have to do is perceive there is one and they will not commit to us -- perception is reality, after all.

Regarding the desperation, that is something I worry about: I have tons of matches on Bumble, but wonder how many, if any, of these men are actually attracted to me or just want an easy lay and figure a fatty will do just fine. However, when they want loving, committed relationships, they will put in more effort and go for the thin and/or fit gals.

It shows a lack of some kind in those men in that forum that they will automatically discount your opinion just because you have a fat wife. I could be wrong but they may be using a circumstantial fallacy against you.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jul 18, 2019)

BigElectricKat said:


> Wait. Am I missing something? You say you like the guy and the way he looks. You say the guy likes you. Yet you question whether his feelings are genuine?



I have a fear that people are trying to trick me/manipulate me to get something/mess with me. I don't want to waste my time on someone who is just giving me lip service; talk is cheap. Problem is that it's often soooooo hard to tell if someone is genuine.


----------



## FatBarbieDoll (Jul 18, 2019)

FleurBleu said:


> Exactly. We FFAs aren't any less shallow than the rest of the world. We just like different things
> 
> "rolls and chins and bellies make their pulse race" - God, yes. Damn, I'm such a word nerd that a simple line as this makes me tingly...



Yep. Even men who like fat women or VERY fat women still want a "pretty" one, as in one who has traits that are considered to be universally attractive -- or nearly so. This includes shiny, healthy hair, straight white teeth, clear skin, et cetera.


----------



## Emmy (Jul 18, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> I have a fear that people are trying to trick me/manipulate me to get something/mess with me. I don't want to waste my time on someone who is just giving me lip service; talk is cheap. Problem is that it's often soooooo hard to tell if someone is genuine.


i have to say this is something8 everyone [b4 finding mr./mrs.right] grapples with! True as a fat girl you may be a bit more jaded.. However I have plenty of thin friends who have been burned.... Figuring out if someone is genuinly into you ...is a hazard of the dating game.
as far as "leagues" go.. i wouldnt put someone in a lower league because of weight. If you are a nasty person in general, THATS what puts you in a lower league..and yes.. they tend to be attracted to other like minded "lower league" people.


----------



## GeeseHoward (Aug 3, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> What do you make of it when a guy is supposedly attracted to your large body but does not want to be fat himself? I am talking to a seemingly great guy with whom there is supposedly mutual attraction and chemistry. This man has talked about wanting to, as they call it, "get ripped" and works out -- sometimes, at least, if I am correct. I don't know how often he does it or if he has even stuck to it at all.
> 
> Anyway, if I recall correctly, he has talked about getting rid of belly fat (or something along those lines). At most, he has a little bit of pudge, but is pretty much thin.
> I ask myself if he can be genuinely attracted to me, a woman who is obviously fat at 300 pounds and has a very large, round gut when he does not want to have a body like mine.



Some people just love body contrast. Quite a few people see fat as a feminine feature and believe to be toned is more masculine (just look at the ancient Greeks art work). I know it's an outdated concept (and I expect a little bite back on this) but that's how I personally see things myself, so in no way should you feel unattractive to him, he just may have expectations/ standards of how he should be for you...


----------



## landshark (Aug 3, 2019)

GeeseHoward said:


> Some people just love body contrast. Quite a few people see fat as a feminine feature and believe to be toned is more masculine (just look at the ancient Greeks art work). I know it's an outdated concept (and I expect a little bite back on this) but that's how I personally see things myself, so in no way should you feel unattractive to him, he just may have expectations/ standards of how he should be for you...


You’ll get no bite back from me. I am with you 100%. Love being fit, work hard to stay that way, and love having a wife who is an extremely feminine plus size woman. That contrast is to me the single best combination a couple can have.

But I’m biased!

Also, welcome to Dims!


----------



## rickc1970 (Aug 3, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> How do you define "big", though? I am guessing you really mean "a little overweight", like, a woman with a bit of pudge, not a 400-pound woman with a large, protruding belly, double chin, et cetera.
> 
> It's been my experience overwhelmingly that guys who look like you are not interested in women like me -- not even for just sex.


Well I have been into bigger women my whole life. even back when I was in shape. BBWs are not any less beautiful than thin women. In my honest opinion they are more beautiful. for me it is not a fetish but a preference. I am also attracted to thin women...the decideing factor for me would be what we have in common...like hobbies, sense of humor, the deep stuff.


----------



## Jimevil2000 (Aug 13, 2019)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> What do you make of it when a guy is supposedly attracted to your large body but does not want to be fat himself? I am talking to a seemingly great guy with whom there is supposedly mutual attraction and chemistry. This man has talked about wanting to, as they call it, "get ripped" and works out -- sometimes, at least, if I am correct. I don't know how often he does it or if he has even stuck to it at all.
> 
> Anyway, if I recall correctly, he has talked about getting rid of belly fat (or something along those lines). At most, he has a little bit of pudge, but is pretty much thin.
> I ask myself if he can be genuinely attracted to me, a woman who is obviously fat at 300 pounds and has a very large, round gut when he does not want to have a body like mine.



There may be red flags, but that generally isn’t one. I’ll use myself for an example. I’m a gym rat, although after passing 40 my six pack is not a defined as it once was. I have ALWAYS dated or been with larger women (like size 22 to 28 range). It’s what I’m attracted to and it has nothing to do with my appearance. 

I’ve always been of the belief that men should be muscular and women should be fluffy. If I wanted to see muscles on a woman, I’d be gay!


----------

