# Can We Talk About Bipolar Disorder?



## Miskatonic (Sep 23, 2013)

I was posting about my bipolar in the depression thread but I thought about it and since bipolar isn't the same thing as depression I felt it deserved its own thread. 

I've been diagnosed with bipolar for almost four years now and been in treatment almost that whole time. To be honest, it didn't really start to improve until events at the beginning of this year made me realize that I had to get more serious about getting better. Since then I've come a long way. (Despite this year being an incredibly difficult one) I still struggle with it daily, however. 

Bipolar makes every little thing much more difficult to do. Even with the tools I've developed and constant therapy and medication it still kicks my ass. Luckily for me I've been able to function despite it for a while now. I didn't used to be able to. This is a new development for me. Honestly, being able to function and doing well at school and holding down a job after being unemployed for a very long time has done wonders to help me overcome. It's a lot easier to feel good about yourself when you're doing well.

Still, I have days where I just loathe myself and nothing breaks it. I have learned to force my way through the wall and get the stuff I need to do done despite wanting to do nothing else but stay in bed, however. Those feelings of worthlessness are still there but I try not to let them stop me from living my life anymore.

Currently I'm in the middle of a manic phase. I didn't realize I was until my psyche started weaning me off my antipsychotic. I talked to her about how my moods were always either flat or negative and she decided that the antipsychotic was most likely to blame and that honestly I didn't really need it. So we're taking me off of it. I just reduced my dosage for the second time last week and it's been a mixed bag. On the one hand, I have definitely not been feeling blank all the time. My emotional depth has improved and there have even been points where I have smiled or laughed. On the other hand, the depersonalization has been intense. Everything feels hazy and dreamlike and it's hard to hold on to things for more than a minute after they have happened. It's not getting in the way of life, however. I have had a small amount of anxiety but nothing I can't deal with and I figure that if feeling feelings requires me to feel detached, I'll take it. Plus it hasn't gotten in the way of my daily functioning or really affected my mood at all.

Fingers crossed that all this is just a symptom of withdrawal because my ultimate goal is to be completely off meds and if this works out than I'll know it's possible.

So yeah that's my story. What's yours?


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## Jah (Sep 27, 2013)

Maybe there should be a thread for mental illness in general.
Is going off antipsychotics really the right thing to do if you are having problems? What about considering a different one? Why is it your ultimate goal to be completely off meds?
I can't imagine going off antipsychotics as I was told by my psychiatrist that I'd be taking them for the rest of my life.


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## Miskatonic (Sep 30, 2013)

Jah said:


> Maybe there should be a thread for mental illness in general.
> Is going off antipsychotics really the right thing to do if you are having problems? What about considering a different one? Why is it your ultimate goal to be completely off meds?
> I can't imagine going off antipsychotics as I was told by my psychiatrist that I'd be taking them for the rest of my life.



The thing is, I'm really not having a whole lot of problems. Most of what I'm dealing with is a result of med withdrawals. It's tough for the first week or so after a reduction but levels off.

I was also told I would be on meds for the rest of my life but I'm not satisfied with that suggestion. So I took my recovery into my own hands. I spent a LOT of time on the internet reading self-help shit. It felt silly as hell to be reading articles such as "Ten Techniques To Reduce Stress" but it helped a lot. I've developed a lot of mental techniques to disarm episodes before they get out of control. Obviously these aren't perfect and the bipolar still gets out of hand sometimes, but I'm doing much better than I had been.

I feel that the meds did what they needed to do for me and I don't need them any more. I could be wrong. But I won't know if I don't try to wean off them.


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## SprocketRocket (Oct 11, 2013)

Miskatonic said:


> I feel that the meds did what they needed to do for me and I don't need them any more. I could be wrong. But I won't know if I don't try to wean off them.



Careful, careful.. After trying exactly this about three times, I ruined (for the most part) a GREAT thing I had going. I now embrace the right pills, as they bring out the better parts of me, while the undesirable gets medicated away!

I also had to stop taking two out of the three prescribed, because it made my muscles so stiff I couldnt relax. it was hell. Am on a pretty good mix now.. just need to keep the prescription filled.


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## Jah (Oct 12, 2013)

Be careful if going off meds. I've done it before with doctor's and psychiatrists help and I regret doing it because now I'm back at the same top dosage and it is much less effective.


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## SprocketRocket (Oct 13, 2013)

Miskatonic said:


> The thing is, I'm really not having a whole lot of problems. Most of what I'm dealing with is a result of med withdrawals. It's tough for the first week or so after a reduction but levels off.
> 
> I was also told I would be on meds for the rest of my life but I'm not satisfied with that suggestion. So I took my recovery into my own hands. I spent a LOT of time on the internet reading self-help shit. It felt silly as hell to be reading articles such as "Ten Techniques To Reduce Stress" but it helped a lot. I've developed a lot of mental techniques to disarm episodes before they get out of control. Obviously these aren't perfect and the bipolar still gets out of hand sometimes, but I'm doing much better than I had been.
> 
> I feel that the meds did what they needed to do for me and I don't need them any more. I could be wrong. But I won't know if I don't try to wean off them.



I can relate to this.

In the end, I seek the medicine. I did not at first and it took a very long time and a lot of episodes before I readjusted my thinking, but certain meds help me help myself better than only I ever could.

Pride comes before the fall. I can attest to this. And I used to think exactly the same as what you havd said! I had to lose everything and pray that I can get it back before this happened.

The manic/bipolar also makes you morph into something that you are not! An uglier, more arrested you, usually.


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## moonvine (Oct 17, 2013)

I was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but my current (or maybe former) psychiatrist doubted that diagnosis after running a full spectrum bloodwork which revealed some pretty serious thyroid issues. My GP also discovered a vitamin D deficiency which apparently can make a person feel crappy too. This freaks me out as BP disorder is the basis for my SSDI and was apparently considered so severe that, unlike many/most others, I was approved for SSDI on the first go around.

I don't experience highs and lows, but mostly lows, which would probably be Bipolar depression. If anything I am hypomanic, which certainly alienates the people around me. 

Going off your meds == bad, no matter what you may read on the Internet. The rates of suicide among persons with bipolar disorder is 29.2 times higher than in the general population, per an article in Biological Psychiatry.

I post on a bipolar support forum (hope it is ok to mention it here) under another name - it is super supportive, though much less active than these forums. The link is http://dbsf.invisionzone.com


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## SprocketRocket (Oct 18, 2013)

moonvine said:


> I was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but my current (or maybe former) psychiatrist doubted that diagnosis after running a full spectrum bloodwork which revealed some pretty serious thyroid issues. My GP also discovered a vitamin D deficiency which apparently can make a person feel crappy too. This freaks me out as BP disorder is the basis for my SSDI and was apparently considered so severe that, unlike many/most others, I was approved for SSDI on the first go around.
> 
> I don't experience highs and lows, but mostly lows, which would probably be Bipolar depression. If anything I am hypomanic, which certainly alienates the people around me.
> 
> ...



I can quote for truth about the going off the meds and depression/suicide risk, I will speak as to suicide. I had a pretty damn serious attempt on my life, at my own hands. It is when I was young, but, I am very lucky to be alive. I never did go down and get that report about it. I had it once.. Maybe I just don't need it anymore. But yes, point here is *me making a gravely serious attempt to kill myself happened about a couple of weeks to a month or so or general timeframe after some idiot "professional" felt it OK to stop me on three of my antidepressants ALL AT ONCE when I was a late teen. Great move, genious. Now I need to explain to people what happens with bullets under chins, and how I am not dead. For those that want to hear.*

So, don't preach to me (nobody has in this thread) about "professionals." I find that pretty dubious. Live and let live.. You either know, or you don't.. But don't give me the preaching of "a professional knows everything and is the only one qualified." I think this is why so much of us seek help on the Internet, through sites, and other users that have gone through similar.

DO NOT GO OFF MEDS! Getting ON them is half the battle. I could sound repetitive, but, I was given some shit meds - again, by a professional - when dear friends of mine first urged me to seek help, because my mental illness is (and sort of still is) consuming my life. The answer is more or less "mind training," but even that is hard and sometimes impossible without meds. The spirit is willing.. I have a fair mix of highs and lows, but those lows.. Boy.. I want to go back in time, sometimes. But I have not been suicidal since a teen. I TOLD a hospital I was suicidal.. Now I am an outpatient there. Now I want to get more help, because those group sessions quickly tire. So I have begun with a new therapist. We meet less frequently than I would like, but money is a hardship.

As long as I can remind myself of what is important, and how to avoid going back and doing the things that got me to be alienated in the first place. Never before did I WANT to talk to someone. But these cards, this hand.. If I can't get that Royal Flush in a year or a couple of years with the only person that really matters to me.. I never will, if I dont get the help, and alternate perspectives. Every day is a day unlike the last, until i can perhaps get back to civility, which is all I want.

These are some verbatim thoughts of a depressed person. Borderline "low." The highs are euphoric; the lows are _really bad..._

You are tempted to just not go into work, and, in my job, that means quit, in a low.
You are more at risk to act out, and simply not care, in a low.
You are able to be a raging monster in a low, in the body of a loved one.
Lows SUCK.
In a low, you do things that don't make sense. You are insane. Sure, you can walk, and eat, but.. For anyone that has ever had a panic or anxiety attack, while IN a low, .. when you get set off, in just the right circumstances.. There will be a victim. And that's not COOL!

Depression is a wrecking ball.
Depression is TNT/Semtex/C4, with shape charges on the support columns of the brain.
And when they detonate.. It takes a loooooooooong time to rebuild it.

Mine got set off between six months to a year ago, and i stand before you on here a broken and re-learning person on here, taking the experiences of those also depressed and sharing my own.

But, to be optimistic: We CAN beat this. YES WE CAN. We can prevail, and all be the beautiful people that we once were. "We have bi-polar, and depression; Depression and bi-polar does not have US!" This is a truth, a truism. And love conquers negativity. EVERY time. It may take some time, but compassion always wins.

And all of this, I realize in typing I spoke as to depression; goes hand-in-hand with bi-polar, also called Manic.


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