# Crack in my confidence.....



## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

Over the past couple of years my confidence has developed and grown and I have become quite comfortable with my size...both weight and height and my sexuality. Its been a great journey and an awesome feeling to know I can be sexy and desirable. For the past nine months, I have been seeing an absolutely wonderful man.....he is perfect and I love him so much. We were friends for a long time before we became a couple. He tells me all day, everyday how beautiful I am. And I tell you....its like a drug. He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.

So this weekend, we went tubing. While waiting for our group to get together.....up walks this girl. She was gorgeous, no doubt. Perfectly tanned skin, great breasts, long blonde hair....the complete playboy package including a barely there bikini. There are tons of girls out there in bikinis of all shapes and sizes.......but every man noticed this particular girl.

Now I am very open about my guy admiring other women....everyone does it. He has mentioned finding other girls attractive/hot and I've done the same when someone catches my eye. Its a natural thing. Its never bothered me and I have never compared myself to it. He sees this girl and says "Wow....THAT is hot."

And for some reason in that moment.....I felt this little crack in my confidence. Once again, I felt like the 15 year old fat girl who's crush is never going to notice her. I hate that fucking feeling.

We went on with our day and had a great time......he went on telling me how beautiful I am and that inconsequential(to him) statement was long forgotten by him.

But here I am this morning.....telling you guys about it. That little crack letting in old doubts and fears.

Hopefully, telling ya'll will make that old feeling go away......


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## layla (Jul 7, 2008)

Sorry to hear your feeling this way. Even the most confident person has moments of self-doubt. Try to not let it eat you up. 

Its not entirely the same. But Im VERY confident about my job. I know what Im doing and Im DAMN good at it. I know this, my boss knows this, the people I work with know it. However, ever once and awhile something comes up at work and Im like crap I cant do it, or what if I do it wrong. We all lose our confidence once in a while. The key is how you move on from it. If I let it stop me from trying my best then that would be wrong. If you let it eat you up so that you ruin your time with your boyfriend, it wouldnt be good. 

It was a moment, we all have them. Leave it out here on the boards, instead of holding on to it.


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.
> 
> "Wow....THAT is hot."





I'd be pretty pissed if my boyfriend did that. I don't know any girls who like to be told other girls are hot by their mates. I also no longer date non-FAs on principle-- it was always way too easy for my confidence to crack when dating a non-FA.


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## snuggletiger (Jul 7, 2008)

I guess I am in the opposite boat. I had an ex that was a BBW and whenever I complemented her on how great her body looked, I got the remarks that ranged from "You're a perv" or "You're just saying that" or "you're weird" so I got to the point that I stopped complementing her at all.


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

Being someone who is usually stereotyped as that "hard-bodied blonde bombshell," just because a guy thinks we're hot, it's probably in a much more superficial, primal way than he thinks you're hot. 
He thinks you are beautiful not only because of your physical nature but also because of the amazing, confident woman he sees. That combination of exquisite sexiness, confidence, and a winning personality will trump any hot-bodied blond, no matter how tight and small the bikini. 
If you want to hear a sob story for girls like I am (you probably don't ) though I am incredibly smart and quite unusual (I mean, I'm on these forums haha), most guys see me as that hot, tight-assed blond they can have a one night stand with. So it's very hard to get such respect and for men to look past the exterior and see the soul beneath. So consider yourself very lucky that your man is able to see how gorgeous you are inside and out ^_^


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

I know he is bound to find other women attractive.....and of course those other women will include thin ones. Normally this would not bother me....I am not sure why it did with this one girl which is what makes it crazy to me.

Layla.....thanks! I know you are right. Those moments just hit you and you gotta let them go. That's what I need to do here.

Snuggletiger....I always accept his compliments graciously and lovingly. 

Tooz....I understand where you are coming from. I know he truly loves me....but does his love for the inner me mask any lack of attraction? I guess this is where the doubts roll in.


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> Being someone who is usually stereotyped as that "hard-bodied blonde bombshell," just because a guy thinks we're hot, it's probably in a much more superficial, primal way than he thinks you're hot.
> He thinks you are beautiful not only because of your physical nature but also because of the amazing, confident woman he sees. That combination of exquisite sexiness, confidence, and a winning personality will trump any hot-bodied blond, no matter how tight and small the bikini.
> If you want to hear a sob story for girls like I am (you probably don't ) though I am incredibly smart and quite unusual (I mean, I'm on these forums haha), most guys see me as that hot, tight-assed blond they can have a one night stand with. So it's very hard to get such respect and for men to look past the exterior and see the soul beneath. So consider yourself very lucky that your man is able to see how gorgeous you are inside and out ^_^



Thanks for this.....Its nice to hear your point of view. And I am so very lucky to have him. He has the sweetest heart and the kindest soul.


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> Thanks for this.....Its nice to hear your point of view. And I am so very lucky to have him. He has the sweetest heart and the kindest soul.


Awwww  I love to hear about great girls finding great guys :wubu: They are so rare!


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## Observer (Jul 7, 2008)

> He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.



Wait a minute - don't you mean has never before dated a big girl?

That of course is what the real issue is here - he is NOT in his mind dating a "big girl" and has no idea of the distinction. He is dating someone he likes as a person and whose size is either incidental or irrelevant (as opposed to FAs who are guaranteed to be taking note and would never remark on a twiggy type. But they shouldn't be remarking on chubettes either). 

So what's the answer? Enjoy the relationship for now, but make a mental note to have a little discussion with your socially clueless b/f. You're not "one of the boys." Making remarks about either girls in bikinis or filling out their dress (depending on your inclination) isn't a good way to win brownie points with your girlfriend, regardless of your size preference. 

I'm sorry your self esteem got stepped on here, but the real issue lies elsewhere. There are two approaches - your feelings or his behavior:

1. You can call attention to your size and feelings if you choose ("why are you dating someone like me if you're so attracted to Miss Size Zero?") and he'll go all goofy and likely tangle himself up in apologies OR 

2. You can address the real issue (Do you know what happens when others make comparisons? It automatically sets in motion a cycle of self analysis, possible depression and creates a sour mood. Not a good idea for relationships - and you did it the other day without, I know, even realizing it.") and he'll hopefully get the point, apologize and not do it again.


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## snuggletiger (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> I know he is bound to find other women attractive.....and of course those other women will include thin ones. Normally this would not bother me....I am not sure why it did with this one girl which is what makes it crazy to me.
> 
> Layla.....thanks! I know you are right. Those moments just hit you and you gotta let them go. That's what I need to do here.
> 
> ...



All I know is I ended up being the nice guy finishing last. But that's ok its kinda nice watching other folks have fun


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## LisaInNC (Jul 7, 2008)

Eh I would have said "Oh yeah, bet that hot girl has herpes" That usually derails all fantasies.


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## liz (di-va) (Jul 7, 2008)

I'm not sure there's any insurance against occasional cracks in confidence like this, but I think you're really smart to try to talk it out, realize there must be something about this particular situation that's tweaking your strings, as well as trying to remember that your bf really does find you attractive, as well as the fact that you just are, period.


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

Observer said:


> Wait a minute - don't you mean has never before dated a big girl?
> 
> That of course is what the real issue is here - he is NOT in his mind dating a "big girl" and has no idea of the distinction. He is dating someone he likes as a person and whose size is either incidental or irrelevant (as opposed to FAs who are guaranteed to be taking note and would never remark on a twiggy type. But they shouldn't be remarking on chubettes either).
> 
> ...




Great points, Observer. This post really made me think.


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

liz (di-va) said:


> I'm not sure there's any insurance against occasional cracks in confidence like this, but I think you're really smart to try to talk it out, realize there must be something about this particular situation that's tweaking your strings, as well as trying to remember that your bf really does find you attractive, as well as the fact that you just are, period.



Thank you Liz.....coming from such a hottie as you are!!

And you are right. I wanted to get this out of my system and not let the crack get out of hand, so to speak.


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> it's probably in a much more superficial, primal way than he thinks you're hot.



My only problem with this logic is that somehow, on a biological level, men will find that type of body hot. That on a very base level, it's somehow coded in their DNA to find that body hot. I don't agree with this, furthermore, if my man DIDN'T find me hot on that level, there'd be a problem.


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

Tooz said:


> My only problem with this logic is that somehow, on a biological level, men will find that type of body hot. That on a very base level, it's somehow coded in their DNA to find that body hot. I don't agree with this, furthermore, if my man DIDN'T find me hot on that level, there'd be a problem.


 What I meant was, if a man is inclined to have that "playboy bunny" type look coded into his DNA (which I think it's safe to argue that quite a good number of men like that fit but curvy, innocent but sexy look) he will feel very strong sexual desire, BUT is less likely to find this girl "beautiful." Savvy?
If not, what I'm saying is that us blond vixens are sexy or hot, "fuckable," if you will, but don't have the profound aesthetic appeal of someone that doesn't look as "plastic" or "cookie-cutter." So even though the hot bodied blond is very hot (unless the guy has different tastes), it isn't what appeals to guys on more than one level.


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> What I meant was, if a man is inclined to have that "playboy bunny" type look coded into his DNA (which I think it's safe to argue that quite a good number of men like that fit but curvy, innocent but sexy look) he will feel very strong sexual desire, BUT is less likely to find this girl "beautiful." Savvy?
> If not, what I'm saying is that us blond vixens are sexy or hot, "fuckable," if you will, but don't have the profound aesthetic appeal of someone that doesn't look as "plastic" or "cookie-cutter." So even though the hot bodied blond is very hot (unless the guy has different tastes), it isn't what appeals to guys on more than one level.



I just think it's slightly less common than a lot of people think. Rarely do I meet males who REALLY love that look. Honestly, I meet more guys who are totally obsessed with Asian chicks.  That being said, all of this again is why I only date FAs...less of a chance of running into the "wow look at that hot skinny chick" business.


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

Tooz said:


> I just think it's slightly less common than a lot of people think. Rarely do I meet males who REALLY love that look. Honestly, I meet more guys who are totally obsessed with Asian chicks.  That being said, all of this again is why I only date FAs...less of a chance of running into the "wow look at that hot skinny chick" business.


That was my point ><
Men don't love that look, but it's a generic "this makes me aroused" look. Nothing special, but still a very basic "hot" look. Because you are absolutely right... men generally don't *love* that look, which stinks for all of us fit blonds out there =(


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> Men generally don't *love* that look, which stinks for all of us fit blonds out there =(



Not trying to start shit, but try being a fat woman. Seriously...


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## sweet&fat (Jul 7, 2008)

I don't think it's solely or even mainly a biological attraction- but it sure is socially promoted one (i.e. "basic" or "generic"... read "mainstream"). I think we can agree that the big-breasted yet hardbodied blonde is a social trope that is sanctioned/stereotyped again and again in the media, but it's hardly an eternal, biological standard. Men are told they are supposed to want that nowadays, and some do, and some don't.

That being said, also consider the teeny bikini factor. If she had been wearing shorts and a t-shirt, she may have attracted notice and even a comment from the OP's bf, but would it have been "THAT's hot"? I think her obvious confidence/pleasure in showing off her stuff (nothing wrong with that!) is a major factor in this.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> Over the past couple of years my confidence has developed and grown and I have become quite comfortable with my size...both weight and height and my sexuality. Its been a great journey and an awesome feeling to know I can be sexy and desirable. For the past nine months, I have been seeing an absolutely wonderful man.....he is perfect and I love him so much. We were friends for a long time before we became a couple. He tells me all day, everyday how beautiful I am. And I tell you....its like a drug. He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.
> 
> So this weekend, we went tubing. While waiting for our group to get together.....up walks this girl. She was gorgeous, no doubt. Perfectly tanned skin, great breasts, long blonde hair....the complete playboy package including a barely there bikini. There are tons of girls out there in bikinis of all shapes and sizes.......but every man noticed this particular girl.
> 
> ...



we're men, we say stupid shit. sometimes an off-the-cuff thought will haunt our girlfriends for the rest of their lives. say something if it becomes frequent, do your best to disregard if not. he's obviously testing new waters with you and maybe you can turn his ideal around completely after a while.


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

Tooz said:


> Not trying to start shit, but try being a fat woman. Seriously...


 I'm not trying to start shit, either, but fat woman are much more likely to be taken seriously as "smart" than a cute looking blond. There are trade-offs to everyone's appearance, and that's why we have to be happy with what we are :]


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I'm not trying to start shit, either, but fat woman are much more likely to be taken seriously as "smart" than a cute looking blond. There are trade-offs to everyone's appearance, and that's why we have to be happy with what we are :]



(Also, fat woman versus cute-looking blonde? Can't it be cute fat woman and cute-looking blonde? Or, removal of "cute" altogether? Um, might wanna think about your word choice there...) Actually, fat women being taken seriously (especially in a relationship sense) is rare. You're either a funny friend, or a bitch, or a desperate pig who'll go home with anyone or any number of negative or neutral things. Or, you're the smart friend who gives advice or whatever. Granted, this will vary from person to person or region to region, but there's a reason this board exists, and that there are so many women here: there is a sense of being ill-fit for society.

I feel like, when you are a fat woman especially, it doesn't matter how awesome your shoes are, how great your makeup is, if you have a good rack/ass, if you're wildly intelligent, if you can sing: all people see is your fat first. If I had a dollar for every time someone told whoever I was dating at whatever time, "but, she's so _big_..."


Also, a "cute-looking blonde" has a choice: people are shallow. Dress in a more "serious" fashion, maybe change your hair color, and BAM. People might be less likely to see you as an aspiring Playboy bunny (just an example, again, this will vary across the board). Many fat women and men are just fat, calories in-calories out will not and has not made them skinny, so that argument would be a problematic one.


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## layla (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I'm not trying to start shit, either, but fat woman are much more likely to be taken seriously as "smart" than a cute looking blond. There are trade-offs to everyone's appearance, and that's why we have to be happy with what we are :]



sorry... but no. i can't tell you how many times people under estimate how smart i am, and its purely because of the way i look. it happens to us all skinny or fat.


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## sweet&fat (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I'm not trying to start shit, either, but fat woman are much more likely to be taken seriously as "smart" *than a cute looking blond.* There are trade-offs to everyone's appearance, and that's why we have to be happy with what we are :]



I agree that different looks are given different values, and that we all have to deal with them. However, I would caution you to be careful about your wording... here you seem to be equating "cute looking" with "not fat" since by your logic, if you were fat, you'd be seen as "smart." I think the OP shows us that there are many cute, fat, blondes in the world.

ETA: oops, Tooz got there before I did!


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## moore2me (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> Over the past couple of years my confidence has developed and grown and I have become quite comfortable with my size...both weight and height and my sexuality. Its been a great journey and an awesome feeling to know I can be sexy and desirable. For the past nine months, I have been seeing an absolutely wonderful man.....he is perfect and I love him so much. We were friends for a long time before we became a couple. He tells me all day, everyday how beautiful I am. And I tell you....its like a drug. He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.
> 
> So this weekend, we went tubing. While waiting for our group to get together.....up walks this girl. She was gorgeous, no doubt. Perfectly tanned skin, great breasts, long blonde hair....the complete playboy package including a barely there bikini. There are tons of girls out there in bikinis of all shapes and sizes.......but every man noticed this particular girl.
> 
> ...




Shala, You don't mention how old you are, but let's assume you are a relative newcomer to the world of physical attraction between men and women. Reading between the lines of your post, it sounds like there is a strong bond already developed between your boyfriend and yourself. I also read that you are a heterosexual couple dedicated to each other.

However, when someone like this young woman you described comes along, your boyfriend nor yourself can possibly be immune to the lures of physical attraction. What you are thinking as a crack in your self confidence may instead be a small amount of attraction for a female of the same sex. Note - I am not saying you are a homo - I am just saying that when someone comes along as perfect as you said this woman was, nature will not be denied. 

We can still admire perfect specimens of the same sex without being homosexuals or without taking any overt actions. How do you think Michaelangelo was able to create his "David"? He had to be envious of what his model possessed in order to sculp such a masterpiece. In order for us to create beauty in paintings, sculpture, music, poetry, etc. the people doing the creation must appreciate the beauty around them. And very often the beauty is in our fellow human beings. And, don't be down on your boyfriend for telling you the truth - unless you want him to stop telling you those kind of truths.


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> I agree that different looks are given different values, and that we all have to deal with them. However, I would caution you to be careful about your wording... here you seem to be equating "cute looking" with "not fat" since by your logic, if you were fat, you'd be seen as "smart." I think the OP shows us that there are many cute, fat, blondes in the world.
> 
> ETA: oops, Tooz got there before I did!


 I was referring the previous stereotype of the playboy blond, not saying that fat women aren't cute. They can be just as cute, sexy, beautiful, etc. as any other women. I was trying to show the difference between the typical dumb-looking blond and a woman who looks strong, beautiful, and intelligent. It has always seemed to me, regardless of even their weight, that non-"cute" women get far more respect as far as intelligence, too. But, as I said, there are downsides to each look, and having one look doesn't mean you are a certain way or that you will always be judged a certain way. I understand that I am in the minority as far as the size of women on here, but I think that having diverse perspectives is important for understanding


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> I agree that different looks are given different values, and that we all have to deal with them. However, I would caution you to be careful about your wording... here you seem to be equating "cute looking" with "not fat" since by your logic, if you were fat, you'd be seen as "smart." I think the OP shows us that there are many cute, fat, blondes in the world.
> 
> ETA: oops, Tooz got there before I did!



No, backup from someone extra hot and sexy always helps. :wubu:


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

Also, blond hair is the most flattering color to my skin tone and is naturally very light blond, so it would be silly to change that. I don't dress sluttily at all... I dress quite modestly or even "alternative" most of the time, and don't wear pounds of make-up. So sometimes the stereotype is unavoidable


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## sweet&fat (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I was referring the previous stereotype of the playboy blond, not saying that fat women aren't cute. They can be just as cute, sexy, beautiful, etc. as any other women. I was trying to show the difference between the typical dumb-looking blond and a woman who looks strong, beautiful, and intelligent. It has always seemed to me, regardless of even their weight, that non-"cute" women get far more respect as far as intelligence, too. But, as I said, there are downsides to each look, and having one look doesn't mean you are a certain way or that you will always be judged a certain way. I understand that I am in the minority as far as the size of women on here, but I think that having diverse perspectives is important for understanding



Certainly! I welcome your presence and perspective, and I think there's room for everyone at Dimensions if they show respect for others. I'm just trying to help you out by stating that your intelligent comments will be much better received if you are a bit more thoughtful about how you phrase things.


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## sweet&fat (Jul 7, 2008)

Tooz said:


> No, backup from someone extra hot and sexy always helps. :wubu:



birds of a feather...


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## layla (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I was referring the previous stereotype of the playboy blond, not saying that fat women aren't cute. They can be just as cute, sexy, beautiful, etc. as any other women. I was trying to show the difference between the typical dumb-looking blond and a woman who looks strong, beautiful, and intelligent. It has always seemed to me, regardless of even their weight, that non-"cute" women get far more respect as far as intelligence, too. But, as I said, there are downsides to each look, and having one look doesn't mean you are a certain way or that you will always be judged a certain way. I understand that I am in the minority as far as the size of women on here, but I think that having diverse perspectives is important for understanding



please don't take this the wrong way, but how old are you? i would guess that you are pretty young. if your experience is that non-cute women get more respect, then i wonder how much experience that really is. in my experience i have seen over and over again that the people who have the right image (whatever that is) get way more repect and are listen to better. 

honestly though... i think this thread has taken a turn into something different, and perhaps a new thread should be started. the reason for this was to talk about confidence. not to debate cute - noncute, skinny or fat.


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> birds of a feather...



You betcha, bb. You're gonna be at Labor Day, yes?

(LAST DERAIL I PROMISE)


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## ThatIsThat (Jul 7, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> Certainly! I welcome your presence and perspective, and I think there's room for everyone at Dimensions if they show respect for others. I'm just trying to help you out by stating that your intelligent comments will be much better received if you are a bit more thoughtful about how you phrase things.


Yes, I wasn't thinking :doh: It's just how I normally hear myself described vs. really any intelligent, womanly, sexy female. And of course there are tons of cute-hot women out there too


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## sweet&fat (Jul 7, 2008)

Tooz said:


> You betcha, bb. You're gonna be at Labor Day, yes?
> 
> (LAST DERAIL I PROMISE)



Hell, yes- look forward to seeing you there!


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

sweet&fat said:


> Hell, yes- look forward to seeing you there!



YES yes yes. I am NOT getting sick this time, so I will get to see people more.


Now, back to your regularly scheduled threading. :batting:


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## Power_Metal_Kitsune (Jul 7, 2008)

Yeah, if that were my boyfriend saying that shit, he'd be gone. Take it from me hon,if he's oogling thin chicks he'll eventually dump you for a thin chick. 

Just because he's nice and tells you you're beautiful doesn't mean he's turned on by you. Just look at my fiance, nice guy and all, and he may even like my inside but I bet if Angelina Jolie or someone wanted a go, I'd be home with a bag of microwave popcorn and my cat every weekend. At least he doesn't say it though, and that's what matters. 

If you're fat and have a pretty face or a good personality, guys like you despite your weight. Get used to the snarky comments about how hot skinny chicks are from these guys or don't date anyone. At least he takes you in public, that's more than a lot of fat women get. Not saying it's right, but it is what it is and like me, you have to deal.

People say they don't like being lied to, but it seems like there is a lot of that going on here to spare feelings.

Fact 1: I have never met a real FA, and half of you probably haven't either. Is it me or do these people seem to only exist online?

Fact 2: These guys date skinny chicks, but come online to whack off to us because they want to be a freak for a night.

Fact 3: If a guy is dating a big woman, it's one of three things that make him do it: 1, She was a friend and he figures he can do worse; 2, She buys him things or is always willing to have sex; or 3, he looks past her weight because he likes her as a person.

I know this because I too, am a fattie and my fiance too likes stick-thin TV star types. Whenever I ask him if he'd dump me for any of them, he says "No, I'm not even in their league, and you're more beautiful anyway.: We all know the "You're more beautiful" thing is a way to hold on to the girl they know will stick around...plain and simple.


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## jewels_mystery (Jul 7, 2008)

A slight slap up side the head will help. When he asks what that is for, tell him. He may be clueless. Set some boundaries. True we all look and find others attractive. The last thing I want is for my boyfriend to point one out.


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

moore2me said:


> Shala, You don't mention how old you are, but let's assume you are a relative newcomer to the world of physical attraction between men and women. Reading between the lines of your post, it sounds like there is a strong bond already developed between your boyfriend and yourself. I also read that you are a heterosexual couple dedicated to each other.
> 
> However, when someone like this young woman you described comes along, your boyfriend nor yourself can possibly be immune to the lures of physical attraction. What you are thinking as a crack in your self confidence may instead be a small amount of attraction for a female of the same sex. Note - I am not saying you are a homo - I am just saying that when someone comes along as perfect as you said this woman was, nature will not be denied.
> 
> We can still admire perfect specimens of the same sex without being homosexuals or without taking any overt actions. How do you think Michaelangelo was able to create his "David"? He had to be envious of what his model possessed in order to sculp such a masterpiece. In order for us to create beauty in paintings, sculpture, music, poetry, etc. the people doing the creation must appreciate the beauty around them. And very often the beauty is in our fellow human beings. And, don't be down on your boyfriend for telling you the truth - unless you want him to stop telling you those kind of truths.




OK....are you swimming around in my head???? Cause you are hitting on some thoughts I hadn't expressed here yet. As she walked up......I thought the same exact thing my guy did....I found her attractive. She was also a very confident appearing woman....full of smiles and gorgeous skin.

Do you think that may have been the catalyst? 

Also, I have always been open to hearing my b/f's comments on other people.....it never really bothered me and I never used to do any mental comparisons to myself. I wouldn't ever want to stop hearing those truths from him because I feel they make us closer.

Oh.....I'm 35. Far from a newcomer to the physical attraction between men & women. But a definite newcomer to the world of knowing that *I* am attractive and desirable to the opposite sex. We have a strong bond and committment to each other. 

But seriously m2m, are you in my head?


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## Ruffie (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I was referring the previous stereotype of the playboy blond, not saying that fat women aren't cute. They can be just as cute, sexy, beautiful, etc. as any other women. I was trying to show the difference between the typical dumb-looking blond and a woman who looks strong, beautiful, and intelligent. It has always seemed to me, regardless of even their weight, that non-"cute" women get far more respect as far as intelligence, too. But, as I said, there are downsides to each look, and having one look doesn't mean you are a certain way or that you will always be judged a certain way. I understand that I am in the minority as far as the size of women on here, but I think that having diverse perspectives is important for understanding



I would tend to agree with her having lots of guy friends. THey really do want the hot girl, but alot of them do not want them necessarily for a life partner. Alternately I make a great friend and confidante and yet men don't see me as a sex symbol. We both have our perceptions that society puts on us and we are more than our stereotype. Those of us that have suffered discrimination have to remember that beause a person seemingly has everything society wants it doesn't mean that they get the things they want. I watched this with a former secretary of mine who was so smart and yet cute and bubbly little blonde. Took her years to "prove" herself and be taken seriously, but she did it and is now the mayors secretary and found a man to love her inside and out rather than the guys that wanted her for the one night stand. I fought for the same respect as a fat woman and couldn't get it in that organzaton so moved on to where I work now and got it in a less male dominated workplace. Both perspectives happen and therefore need to be respected.
Ruth


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Fact 3: If a guy is dating a big woman, it's one of three things that make him do it: 1, She was a friend and he figures he can do worse; 2, She buys him things or is always willing to have sex; or 3, he looks past her weight because he likes her as a person.
> 
> I know this because I too, am a fattie and my fiance too likes stick-thin TV star types.



#1: Why are you engaged to him, then? 

#2: Your "Fact 3" may encompass many men, but it is clearly not always the case. Have you ever been to a bash or a meet up? Have you ever seen a fat chick with their happy FA doting on them? I understand your frustration having not met any, but please don't assume they don't exist _at all_.


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Yeah, if that were my boyfriend saying that shit, he'd be gone. Take it from me hon,if he's oogling thin chicks he'll eventually dump you for a thin chick.
> 
> Just because he's nice and tells you you're beautiful doesn't mean he's turned on by you. Just look at my fiance, nice guy and all, and he may even like my inside but I bet if Angelina Jolie or someone wanted a go, I'd be home with a bag of microwave popcorn and my cat every weekend. At least he doesn't say it though, and that's what matters.
> 
> ...



This post made me feel really, really sad.


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## Observer (Jul 7, 2008)

> If you're fat and have a pretty face or a good personality, guys like you despite your weight.



Yes, that can be true of some guys. Kudos to them. But there are also guys who, given the option of everything else being the same, who like you better because of and with the weight, NOT despite it! This latter circumstance is more the norm in these parts.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 7, 2008)

Or somebody from the Winter 2006 Freak Safari Troll Invasion was not banned.

Just a guess.


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## Tooz (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> This post made me feel really, really sad.



Me too, on some levels, but it also points out (albeit in a VERY blunt manner) that it is incredibly important to examine all aspects of a relationship. I actually was going to rep the post until the end of it. @[email protected]


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## jewels_mystery (Jul 7, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Yeah, if that were my boyfriend saying that shit, he'd be gone. Take it from me hon,if he's oogling thin chicks he'll eventually dump you for a thin chick.
> 
> Just because he's nice and tells you you're beautiful doesn't mean he's turned on by you. Just look at my fiance, nice guy and all, and he may even like my inside but I bet if Angelina Jolie or someone wanted a go, I'd be home with a bag of microwave popcorn and my cat every weekend. At least he doesn't say it though, and that's what matters.
> 
> ...



Wow this was so negative. FA's do exist. Proudly say I've dated several. No one should be in a relationship with anyone that is not attracted to them. It will only end up effecting the bbw's self esteem.


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## Ruffie (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> Over the past couple of years my confidence has developed and grown and I have become quite comfortable with my size...both weight and height and my sexuality. Its been a great journey and an awesome feeling to know I can be sexy and desirable. For the past nine months, I have been seeing an absolutely wonderful man.....he is perfect and I love him so much. We were friends for a long time before we became a couple. He tells me all day, everyday how beautiful I am. And I tell you....its like a drug. He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.
> 
> So this weekend, we went tubing. While waiting for our group to get together.....up walks this girl. She was gorgeous, no doubt. Perfectly tanned skin, great breasts, long blonde hair....the complete playboy package including a barely there bikini. There are tons of girls out there in bikinis of all shapes and sizes.......but every man noticed this particular girl.
> 
> ...



I can relate to how you feel. No matter how hard we work on ourselves there is always that touch of insecurity that lies beneath the surface and can be rbought out by something like this. My hubby does it too sometimes and it irks me, but I know that I am alot more than the pacakge I come in. ANd he must like this pacage or he wouldn't be here ether these 23 years. Just remember back to something sweet he said to aleviate these feelings. Like my hubby did at his high school renunion. A drunk former jock came over to him and said "was your wife always this fat and ugly or dd she get that way after you marred her?" NOw most men would have beat the shit out of him, but Grant just smiled and lodly annouced " Yeah well I get to sleep on a feather mattress every nght. ALOT better than that coatrack you have to lie on!" THe whole room cracked up and his will to fight over the counter point was broken at that moment. So when I get down I remember that and smile.
Ruth


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

Tooz said:


> Me too, on some levels, but it also points out (albeit in a VERY blunt manner) that it is incredibly important to examine all aspects of a relationship. I actually was going to rep the post until the end of it. @[email protected]



I completely agree with the importance of examining all aspects of a relationship......which I have done and I'm still in the process of doing.

A few posts here bring up that men can be in love with a woman "in spite" of her weight. While my guy has NEVER said anything like this, this is exactly the thought that popped into my head that day. But to his credit, his words and his actions show only love and sexual attractionto me. That's why I think this is my problem....my own head screwing with me.


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## largenlovely (Jul 7, 2008)

wow...just ...wow....

you may not have met a real FA, but i can assure you that they do exist.. because i have one. Skinny girls don't turn his head in the slightest... in fact, it's as if they don't even exist. 

Me personally...i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than with a man i believed didn't find me attractive or "thought he could do worse". I'm terribly sorry that you don't believe that there are true FA's, but just because you've not met one, doesn't mean they're not out there.



Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Fact 1: I have never met a real FA, and half of you probably haven't either. Is it me or do these people seem to only exist online?
> 
> Fact 3: If a guy is dating a big woman, it's one of three things that make him do it: 1, She was a friend and he figures he can do worse; 2, She buys him things or is always willing to have sex; or 3, he looks past her weight because he likes her as a person.


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## Wagimawr (Jul 7, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Fact 1: I have never met a real FA, and half of you probably haven't either. Is it me or do these people seem to only exist online?


WRONG. Yeah, there are some chickenshit FAs out there, but here's some happy FA/BBW couples:
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43387



Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Fact 3: If a guy is dating a big woman, it's one of three things that make him do it: 1, She was a friend and he figures he can do worse; 2, She buys him things or is always willing to have sex; or 3, he looks past her weight because he likes her as a person.


Try: holy SHIT fat is HOT.



Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> I know this because I too, am a fattie and my fiance too likes stick-thin TV star types. Whenever I ask him if he'd dump me for any of them, he says "No, I'm not even in their league, and you're more beautiful anyway.: We all know the "You're more beautiful" thing is a way to hold on to the girl they know will stick around...plain and simple.


Find a new fiance. If you don't think you can find one who's outside these things that you "know", then you're right. If you change your mind and start believing that there's always possibilities that involve you being accepted AND loved FOR your weight AS WELL AS your personality, then you're right.

What I know is this: Fat women ARE (with some exceptions, of course) more beautiful than thin women. This part of the post isn't a single-entrant bullshitting contest to see how many desperate fat girls I can attract the attention of - that's what I believe. This site revolves around size acceptance: if you don't agree, fine, but coming here and trying to tell us "everything you know is wrong and fat people really are the lowest of the low" is going to get you a ticket out of here REAL quick. LURK MOAR and learn something.


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## Shala (Jul 7, 2008)

I definitely know there are FA's out there.....although I have never dated one.

I happened to meet and fall for a guy who isn't one.......so how do I equate that to all I've read here? If he has never dated a big girl before.....does that mean he can't be attracted to one now? One poster said...if he's ogling thin chicks, one day he'll dump you for a thin chick. How true can this really be?


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## elle camino (Jul 7, 2008)

ok so obviously this girl's in a relationship with a guy who's not actually attracted to her, ostensibly to some degree because of her size. i can't say i don't know where she's coming from, so i'll point out that that is a shitty situation, which makes a person feel shitty, and consequently act shitty. 
so FAs: try not to take what she said all that personally. it's clearly coming from a really painful place. 
to you it's obvious that FAs do exist, since you see one every time you look in a mirror. but to a fat girl who's spent her life being rejected for the same reason over and over by every guy, it's not so easy to believe until you actually see it. 
and some of us never will, so. i dunno. try to understand before you get offended. even though i agree that the post was crazy negative.
and that's _me_ saying that.


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## largenlovely (Jul 7, 2008)

don't listen to that negative stuff...

if you love him and he loves you...then there's something to build on. There are girls here who have married/dated non-fa's and are in great relationships. It comes down to the individuals..not generalizations made by someone on a forum who knows nothing about your relationship other than your guy made a remark about some skinny girl. 

As for me, if i were in your position, i'd talk to him about it and tell him how it made me feel..and see what he had to say about it...and go from there. 



Shala said:


> I definitely know there are FA's out there.....although I have never dated one.
> 
> I happened to meet and fall for a guy who isn't one.......so how do I equate that to all I've read here? If he has never dated a big girl before.....does that mean he can't be attracted to one now? One poster said...if he's ogling thin chicks, one day he'll dump you for a thin chick. How true can this really be?


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## liz (di-va) (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> One poster said...if he's ogling thin chicks, one day he'll dump you for a thin chick. How true can this really be?



I think this is just incredibly stinking thinking. Not to mention the logic doesn't work.



Shala said:


> If he has never dated a big girl before.....does that mean he can't be attracted to one now?



Lots of people fall in love with--heart, soul, and jiggling body inches--types of people they never thought they'd be attracted to. You don't have to have a membership to Dimensions, an FA carrying-card, a copy of BUF or even know any of these terms to love/love on/grope/lust after/love a fat girl wholeheartedly. Love comes in lots of ways.

And the men that might fall in this category aren't "settling." They're not liking fat chicks "despite" their size. Nor is not "real," since you're his first big girl. It's because we are that lovable and hot, and here to be loved. I think it does a real disservice to dudes to talk about them as if they're about to snap back into the world of the skinny--whether people are predicting this from a fat-disliking or fat-focused POV.

I understand why people say that. I understand the appeal of the dyed-in-the-wool FA (completely). I do, however, think that we need to be realistic about the fact that the pool of self-selected/-identified FAs is not nearly as big as the number of men slobbering over/involved with BBWs, period, who aren't remotely politicized or involved in fat stuff.

I can't really know anything about your relationship, Shala, but if you really trust that he loves you/lusts after you and vice versa...trust that. I agree, I might clunk him over the head for ogling, but the important thing to do here in my opinion is to NOT start coming from/reacting an insecure place about all this. Those actions/decisions don't work very well. Why talk yourself out of a good thing?

$.02...


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## furious styles (Jul 7, 2008)

largenlovely said:


> wow...just ...wow....
> 
> you may not have met a real FA, but i can assure you that they do exist.. because i have one. Skinny girls don't turn his head in the slightest... in fact, it's as if they don't even exist.
> 
> Me personally...i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than with a man i believed didn't find me attractive or "thought he could do worse". I'm terribly sorry that you don't believe that there are true FA's, but just because you've not met one, doesn't mean they're not out there.



Seriously, this thread makes me feel like I don't actually exist. I mean I don't really care; I'm already in an amazing relationship with a wonderful fat girl. But yeah, if that's really the general thinking out there about FAs, we've got a long way to go.


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## largenlovely (Jul 7, 2008)

hopefully it's not the general thinking..i've never heard someone say something like that. (or at least not anyone exposed to this community) I was shocked by it...so...maybe it's just one random poster. I've heard various newbies express their doubt, but there was also some hope right along with it...never flat out denial. That was just bizarre to me. 



mfdoom said:


> Seriously, this thread makes me feel like I don't actually exist. I mean I don't really care; I'm already in an amazing relationship with a wonderful fat girl. But yeah, if that's really the general thinking out there about FAs, we've got a long way to go.


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## Tad (Jul 7, 2008)

I think most Alfa Romeos are incredibly hot looking cars. I have zero interest in owning one, and no real interest in even driving one. In fact I often laugh at one friend who does have one (and suffers for it). In fact the cars I love to own and drive are not little sporty numbers, but things more practical and perhaps a bit funky. Id love me one of the new VW Beetles, and I happily drove two Dodge Colts into the ground (they were surprisingly fun cars, yet I once moved a freezer in one of them). But when I see an Alfa Romeo, Ill looked, admire, and maybe say something. They are gorgeous for what they are, even if what they are doesnt much interest me.

We have a fairly compact little house with a tiny yard, that is over 80 years old, and we love it. I have no desire to move. But sometimes when I see a place with big gardens sweeping down to a river, or with the latest insulation and environmentally efficient heating, or a cool tower feature (Im a sucker for towers), and have to admire it. Wouldnt really want to live in any of them, but they are cool in their own way.

Like you said, it is normal to see people who are attractive, and normally you are cool with your boyfriend mentioning that. It sure sounds to me that in this case what he saw was a woman who worked that look perfectly. Doesnt mean that he would prefer to be with her, but that she was a perfect example of that particular look.

So first the question: why did this one strike home? Was there something she had that you are insecure about? (For example, the hardly there bikini, if you are not comfortable showing much skin, but you wish you could pull off the sexy suit). Or were you feeling a bit insecure or down about something ahead of time (maybe worrying about how youd fit in the tubes or how youd look in them, or anything like that). Or were you unusually tired, hungry, stressed by work, at a bad day of the month, had a fight with your parents, missing a friend who moved away..or whatever else that may have left you a little more vulnerable?

Or some combination of the above?

If you can think of any particular factors why that particular comment bugged you, maybe you can make it work for you. Tell your BF about how that had cracked your confidence, and why you think maybe that particular one did. And then suggest something you two can do together than might help. Go tubing when you are feeling better. Get a two piece suit and wear it for him inside even if you arent comfortable wearing it outside yet. Plan on doing something together that will help to restore your batteries, like a weekend road trip. 

If you cant think of any particular factors that might have left you more vulnerable to the comment, I still agree with others who said tell him how you felt. He really does need to know, both for future guidance and to know why you might be feeling a bit off. He probably can tell that something is itching you, but he may have no idea of what it was. But Id suggest not just telling him how you felt then, but what you want to happen in the future--do you want him to hold off making such comments? Do you want him to be able to make them and manage your reactions? Should it mostly be OK, but certain situations where it isnt, and hes got to learn what those are? I just think that going into the conversation with some clue of what youd like is apt to make for a better experience than going in just with the event itself.

It sounds to me like you have a pretty good thing going, so I guess my final comment is to think about this in terms of "How can I take this and strengthen the relationship with it?"


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## layla (Jul 7, 2008)

mfdoom said:


> Seriously, this thread makes me feel like I don't actually exist. I mean I don't really care; I'm already in an amazing relationship with a wonderful fat girl. But yeah, if that's really the general thinking out there about FAs, we've got a long way to go.



you do exist, do you want us to pinch you so you know it. 

i think it's too bad if that was that persons experience. if they were right, then why would places like this forum exist. and clearly there wouldn't be so many people in such good relationships.

unfortunately like with most groups there are people out there who arent on the up and up. Seems like that poster meet some people who werent really FA (maybe they just played one on the internet). Sorry that is her experience. But I dont think making big generalizations like that is fair to others.


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## mossystate (Jul 7, 2008)

liz (di-va) said:


> Lots of people fall in love with--heart, soul, and jiggling body inches--types of people they never thought they'd be attracted to. You don't have to have a membership to Dimensions, an FA carrying-card, a copy of BUF or even know any of these terms to love/love on/grope/lust after/love a fat girl wholeheartedly. Love comes in lots of ways.



This...yes.

Oh, and, I am not a woman who wants a man who feels a need to blurt out.." Now THAT is hot! ". No matter the form he is ogling. None of us, male or female, are blind when it comes to people we find attractive...but...seems more than a little tacky to express things this way. I have never personally been with a guy who does this, but, I have run into a few here ( online..including Dims ).

He is with you......he wants you....he tells you this. If he gives you reason to believe otherwise..well, you know what to do. And...have a lil talk on how not to be so tacky.


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## Victim (Jul 7, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Yeah, if that were my boyfriend saying that shit, he'd be gone. Take it from me hon,if he's oogling thin chicks he'll eventually dump you for a thin chick.
> 
> Just because he's nice and tells you you're beautiful doesn't mean he's turned on by you. Just look at my fiance, nice guy and all, and he may even like my inside but I bet if Angelina Jolie or someone wanted a go, I'd be home with a bag of microwave popcorn and my cat every weekend. At least he doesn't say it though, and that's what matters.
> 
> ...



I've been married to an awesome SSBBW for 18yrs (19 in august!). I do like her as a person, but nothing compares to being smothered by her luscious flesh. Even after 20 years of it, the sex is off the scale. As far as thin girls go, I look at them too, but I don't get the urge to feel them all around me, because, well, they can't do that. 

We don't only exist online. I've never been to one since I'm already attached, but go to a BBW club or event. There are plenty of FAs around that will put you up on a pedestal and worship you like the goddess that you are.


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## TraciJo67 (Jul 7, 2008)

CherchezLaFemme said:


> I was referring the previous stereotype of the playboy blond, not saying that fat women aren't cute. They can be just as cute, sexy, beautiful, etc. as any other women. I was trying to show the difference between the typical dumb-looking blond and a woman who looks strong, beautiful, and intelligent. It has always seemed to me, regardless of even their weight, that non-"cute" women get far more respect as far as intelligence, too. But, as I said, there are downsides to each look, and having one look doesn't mean you are a certain way or that you will always be judged a certain way. I understand that I am in the minority as far as the size of women on here, but I think that having diverse perspectives is important for understanding



I understood you perfectly well, CherchezLaFemme. 

And I agreed with what you were saying. Nor do I think that you should have to change the way you look in order to be taken seriously ... anymore than I think that a fat woman should be a non-entity in the eyes of many people, simply because she's fat. But both of these things happen. I can't imagine that it's any fun to be in either position. I sure know what it felt like to be fat and invisible. I've never known what it would feel like to be a gorgeous blonde bombshell, but I do know that I'd hate to be dismissed and we *all* hate to be categorized.

To the OP: It may have been an insensitive thing to say, but he's with you, not the hot blonde. Obviously, he cares for *you*. Next time he says something insensitive, smack him upside the back of his head (half-jokingly, of course) and tell him to stop being such an insensitive clod. Then give him a big, sloppy kiss


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## goofy girl (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala said:


> Over the past couple of years my confidence has developed and grown and I have become quite comfortable with my size...both weight and height and my sexuality. Its been a great journey and an awesome feeling to know I can be sexy and desirable. For the past nine months, I have been seeing an absolutely wonderful man.....he is perfect and I love him so much. We were friends for a long time before we became a couple. He tells me all day, everyday how beautiful I am. And I tell you....its like a drug. He is not an FA and has never dated a big girl.
> 
> So this weekend, we went tubing. While waiting for our group to get together.....up walks this girl. She was gorgeous, no doubt. Perfectly tanned skin, great breasts, long blonde hair....the complete playboy package including a barely there bikini. There are tons of girls out there in bikinis of all shapes and sizes.......but every man noticed this particular girl.
> 
> ...



I totally get how you feel. I hate Scarlett Johansen for a really long time because my husband once said how cute he thinks she is lol. Your bf was inconsiderate, but what it comes down to is that he is human..and humans do make mistakes. And just because he slipped up does NOT mean he feels any differently about you. Big Hugs!



Tooz said:


> I'd be pretty pissed if my boyfriend did that. I don't know any girls who like to be told other girls are hot by their mates. I also no longer date non-FAs on principle-- it was always way too easy for my confidence to crack when dating a non-FA.



Just because he is an FA doesn't mean he won't look at or comment on how hot another girl is, though. It might (or might not) be another fat girl..but it could still happen.


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## goofy girl (Jul 7, 2008)

I want to be you when I grow up.


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## liz (di-va) (Jul 7, 2008)

mfdoom said:


> Seriously, this thread makes me feel like I don't actually exist. I mean I don't really care; I'm already in an amazing relationship with a wonderful fat girl. But yeah, if that's really the general thinking out there about FAs, we've got a long way to go.



That bums me out. Hope it's not as true as it sounds sometimes though.

Sometimes I wonder if the way we talk about FAs on this board--or what it takes to qualify as an FA--make them seem more like rare spotted owls, instead of just guys. Maybe we're training the term to work best more amongst our self-selected group of people here than the population at large.

I mean...from my POV, many FAs really _are_ amazin guys, more than others, in terms of compassion and openness and connection to the sensual world and patience...good taste . All that. Maybe there are more FAs out there if we broaden the term a little, without compromising its meaning. I dunno. Or maybe it is best applied to guys all the way over on one end of the fatty/skinny scale. I really don't know!! Either way I can't help thinking that a man who's really in love with and lovin' on a fat woman, tuned into her needs, is in the 'FA' mix somewhere, even if it's his 'first' (in re: OP's sitch).


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## Littleghost (Jul 7, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Yeah, if that were my boyfriend saying that shit, he'd be gone. Take it from me hon,if he's oogling thin chicks he'll eventually dump you for a thin chick.
> 
> Just because he's nice and tells you you're beautiful doesn't mean he's turned on by you. Just look at my fiance, nice guy and all, and he may even like my inside but I bet if Angelina Jolie or someone wanted a go, I'd be home with a bag of microwave popcorn and my cat every weekend. At least he doesn't say it though, and that's what matters.
> 
> ...



Great, so my only two options are, what? I'm either a twisted manipulative liar, or I'm a unicorn. Why don't you hold on to those and examine your own life for a bit before projecting your messed up experiences on me. I'll be on my rainbow cloud.


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## vardon_grip (Jul 7, 2008)

I would say to the OP: Don't sweat the comment. Just because I think a Ferrari Enzo is hot doesn't mean that I'm ever gonna give up my Aston Martin Vanquish. It seems like you both can appreciate the pretty people around you. Don't forget that you are one of the pretty people too!


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## Chimpi (Jul 7, 2008)

Shala, reread edx's post. He did a very good job at explaining things out thoroughly and given you some food for though.
I would repeat everything he said, but I'll save the space (hence the reason I said to reread it). I would like to bring in one more thing to think about, though.

What is it you're looking to be, physically, in your relationship with your boyfriend? Obviously none of us here know him very well at all, and only have this one situation to attempt analyzing/interpreting him with. It sounds like he really loves you, and going by what you said also finds you very attractive and beautiful which should be remembered and enjoyed. Do _you_ want to be more attractive to him than any other body type? Do you want to be the person, if he were in another relationship, that he would whip his head around to and say "Holy crap, THAT is hot!"? If that is the case, then I think you should express that to him. One thing most people will tell you is that being honest and open to your partner is a very key ingredient to a successful and lasting relationship (or at least that's what I believe).
If you're not that reliant on body image, and do not care that he finds other body types/sizes attractive (possibly just as attractive as you / your size), then I would express that as well, but think much less on the subject. Easier said than done, obviously, but others have given you such wonderful advice, suggestions, and feedback already.


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## CAMellie (Jul 8, 2008)

goofy girl said:


> I want to be you when I grow up.



What she said...

...and the same damned problem


stupid rep


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## Tooz (Jul 8, 2008)

goofy girl said:


> Just because he is an FA doesn't mean he won't look at or comment on how hot another girl is, though. It might (or might not) be another fat girl..but it could still happen.



To me, if it's another fat girl, it's different. Though, again, I'd still be kinda pissed at the stupidity shown.


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## layla (Jul 8, 2008)

Tooz said:


> To me, if it's another fat girl, it's different. Though, again, I'd still be kinda pissed at the stupidity shown.



so if your guy showed an interest in another BBW your ok with that? i just feel like if it's an issue with a skinny one then it would be an issue with a non-skinny one.


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## activistfatgirl (Jul 8, 2008)

Just talk to him about it Shala, and report back. I hope you don't get discouraged from some of the comments. Many of us want to be sure we prove that FAs exist, but I worry that it reads like something's wrong with you or your man if he's not. I don't think so, and if he's good to you, respects you, cares for you and your body, its all good. As you said, let love rule.

And, seriously, tell him it bothered you. He may have no idea!

The other thing I'll say here is that I encourage my partners to point out to me whom else they find attractive. I don't find it competitive or problematic if its a ssbbw much bigger than me, or a thin Angelina Jolie type. I really TRY (try is important here) to not be jealous. Maybe its easier for me because I point out hot girls too? And boys...

Anyways, I find that's okay up until I point or a moment where I'm sensitive. Maybe I'm having a bad day. Maybe my hair's a wreck and I'm feelin' fugly. Or I don't feel totally appreciated. THAT's when a comment, which would otherwise be met with my curiosity, would crack my confidence. I've been able, normally, to just talk about it. A simple, "hey, I'm not feeling super X today, let's focus on how much you like ME and no one else for the moment."

This is not the OPs original intent, but I guess I just don't get it about relationships. We can love and be fufilled by someone sexually and still find MANY others attractive. It's okay to be attracted to someone. It's less okay to go for it. Look, don't touch policy. But, this is all a grain of sand coming from me because I genuinely don't understand monogamy.

ONe more thing, Shala, I think you're super cute!


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## Shala (Jul 8, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> Just talk to him about it Shala, and report back. I hope you don't get discouraged from some of the comments. Many of us want to be sure we prove that FAs exist, but I worry that it reads like something's wrong with you or your man if he's not. I don't think so, and if he's good to you, respects you, cares for you and your body, its all good. As you said, let love rule.
> 
> And, seriously, tell him it bothered you. He may have no idea!
> 
> ...



Great points, AFG. One of the main reasons I didn't say anything to him is that I didn't want to appear oversensitive or over-emotional. Most times we enjoy conversations where we discuss what we find attractive in others. The world is filled with beautiful people. That's why I wasn't sure why this remark made me feel less desirable.

And this may sound crazy to some....but I like that he feels open enough to tell me that stuff. I want to hear truths like that from him. I know alot of people said he was being insensitive and a jerk.....but it wasn't his fault. We have had these comments/discussions openly before. It was MY reaction to it that was the problem I think. I can't really pin my hang-ups on him....totally unfair. Right?

Last night at dinner, he told me "You know that nothing in this world means as much to me as you, right?" How can I ever resist that?

Thanks for the compliment AFG.....you are a doll!!


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## out.of.habit (Jul 8, 2008)

Heya Shala, 

I think, for me, putting myself in similar shoes for a moment, the biggest problem would be my set of thoughts about how my own fat beauty and the beauty of a socially-popularized bombshell could exist in the same world. (Not saying either aren't beautiful!)

It's hard to imagine someone subscribing to traditional beauty ideals and still thinking a fat person is attractive; but when I think about why that might be, it occurs to me that I've spent so long thinking that I'm undesirable (pre-dims), that even now when I'm compared (usually due to my own insecurity) to the gorgeous slender blonde, I can't imagine how anyone would see me as hot next to her outside the context of Fatopia. As if fat beauty were lesser than thin beauty in my mind. Minds are not always rational.

So, can we challenge that belief? Yeah, I'd like to think so. But I think the cognitive work is the hardest part, the altering of beliefs about beauty. I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't talk to your fella about it, but if you do, help him understand you're not changing the rules on him. If he's under the impression that it's a game russian roulette whether a certain girl is safe to comment about, it becomes confusing and anxiety provoking because he doesn't want to hurt you, and so far it hasn't, then allofasudden it's not okay. He could stand to be more sensitive about it for sure (im_v_ho), but he probably has no sense of that at this point because he doesn't perceive the difference between commenting on that girl or another. Your relationship sounds as though you're both open to communication and understanding. If you take the time to put your thoughts together, it won't have to be a huge deal.

Forgive the reading into your relationship a little. Just my humble take on how you've described it. Thinking out loud, and hoping it's useful.


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## out.of.habit (Jul 8, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> Just talk to him about it Shala, and report back. I hope you don't get discouraged from some of the comments. Many of us want to be sure we prove that FAs exist, but I worry that it reads like something's wrong with you or your man if he's not. I don't think so, and if he's good to you, respects you, cares for you and your body, its all good. As you said, let love rule.
> 
> And, seriously, tell him it bothered you. He may have no idea!
> 
> ...





Shala said:


> Great points, AFG. One of the main reasons I didn't say anything to him is that I didn't want to appear oversensitive or over-emotional. Most times we enjoy conversations where we discuss what we find attractive in others. The world is filled with beautiful people. That's why I wasn't sure why this remark made me feel less desirable.
> 
> And this may sound crazy to some....but I like that he feels open enough to tell me that stuff. I want to hear truths like that from him. I know alot of people said he was being insensitive and a jerk.....but it wasn't his fault. We have had these comments/discussions openly before. It was MY reaction to it that was the problem I think. I can't really pin my hang-ups on him....totally unfair. Right?
> 
> ...



Ha ha! In the ridiculous amount of time it took me to compose my response, it was covered by you lovely, intelligent and gorgeous ladies. 

Really great thoughts, both.


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## Tooz (Jul 8, 2008)

layla said:


> so if your guy showed an interest in another BBW your ok with that? i just feel like if it's an issue with a skinny one then it would be an issue with a non-skinny one.



Sort of. It's a sticky situation. I'd prefer that who I am dating would be smart enough to not be like "NOW THAT'S HOT" about someone walking by, but I would be less flapped if it was a fat chick.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 8, 2008)

> It's hard to imagine someone subscribing to traditional beauty ideals and still thinking a fat person is attractive; but when I think about why that might be, it occurs to me that I've spent so long thinking that I'm undesirable (pre-dims), that even now when I'm compared (usually due to my own insecurity) to the gorgeous slender blonde, I can't imagine how anyone would see me as hot next to her outside the context of Fatopia. As if fat beauty were lesser than thin beauty in my mind. Minds are not always rational.



Well sexual attraction is not always about minds. Lots of times it's intangible, like you'll be really hot for somebody and you're thinking "WHY am I hot for this person? WTF..." Most people have had the experience of finding themselves inexplicably sexually attracted to somebody and being freaked out by it or confused by it. Also there is a big difference between what you find sexually appealing and what you find aesthetically appealing. You can appreciate the beauty in something without being turned on by it. Plenty of straight people can tell when somebody of their own gender is _attractive_ without being _attracted to _them.

I know a lot of BBW/SSBBW have said they don't believe somebody can _truly_ like people of both sizes, but I disagree. It's kind of like saying "How can you really love both steak and ice cream when they don't taste anything alike?"

Personally, in the past year and half, I've been "close to" three people.

1. White Male Gaining BHM approx. 230 pounds
2. White female SSBBW approx. 470 pounds
3. 1/4 Asian Male Skinny Skinny dude approx. 124 pounds

Now I totally describe myself as a heterosexual female FFA. But that, for lack of a better word is a generalization. It's sort of like if someody has a mixed race heritage they may say they "consider" themselves Hispanic if they have a Hispanic grandparent or even thought they present as caucasian they call themselves "mixed race" if one parent was 1/8th Indian. It sort of doesn't matter what you call yourself. In all of the above cases, the encounters were fun and hot and neither the skinny guy or the SSBBW any less so for not being what I'm "normally" into or what I'd likely be into with the next ten people I make out with.


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## layla (Jul 8, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> Well sexual attraction is not always about minds. Lots of times it's intangible, like you'll be really hot for somebody and you're thinking "WHY am I hot for this person? WTF..." Most people have had the experience of finding themselves inexplicably sexually attracted to somebody and being freaked out by it or confused by it. Also there is a big difference between what you find sexually appealing and what you find aesthetically appealing. You can appreciate the beauty in something without being turned on by it. Plenty of straight people can tell when somebody of their own gender is _attractive_ without being _attracted to _them.
> 
> I know a lot of BBW/SSBBW have said they don't believe somebody can _truly_ like people of both sizes, but I disagree. It's kind of like saying "How can you really love both steak and ice cream when they don't taste anything alike?"
> 
> ...



Very well put!!! I have to say that i agree with this alot. I totally have had similar experiences. I worked with this guy and we fought something awful! we were very civil with each other when people were around. but god forbid we were alone in the lab or something, we would just set each other off. Everything about him annoyed me... from the way he talked, to the style of his hair, to his political views... EVERYTHING. One day i was telling my friend and she was like - you hate him but you fight because your attracted. She pointed out that if i wasn't attracted i would probably be like why bother even arguing with him. I was shocked but i realized she was right. Who knows what it is that calls us to a particular person. Sometimes you can pinpoint it and sometimes its a great mystery.

i think your comparison about liking diverse things is also very true. In my life, many of the men i dated were pretty thin (cross country runners actually) and clean cut. But then there have been a few who were much larger, longer hair, and not at all clean cut. One guy..ok seriously he was like a tank. All very diverse. Should any of them been offended that he was different from my type? You are attracted to who you're attracted to.

Also, just because you find someone attractive, it doesn't mean anything will happen. I love all different kinds of artwork, does that mean that i have to have it hanging in my house (if i was a BILLIONARY maybe  ). No instead I just look at it and think, wow thats beautiful.


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## Elfcat (Jul 8, 2008)

OK, I feel I have to remind you all that labels are statistical things by nature. I am an FA. Does this mean that I never see a skinny woman I think is hot? Truthfully, no. It's rare, but once in a while a fellow Elf strikes me as beautiful. And I figure there are probably more than a few "pansomatotropic" people, who can see hotness fairly equally in fat and thin. Hotness is often not just the body, but posture, projection of attitude, what's being worn, etc. As always it's best to be inquisitive with a guy. Ask him what was hot about this women he saw. It's a good way to bring out what makes a given guy tick about such things.


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## Fascinita (Jul 9, 2008)

Shala said:


> "Wow....THAT is hot."



Even if the two of you have agreed not to be exclusive (to date other people), this is still not something you do in front of your date. You don't mack while the woman you've been going out with for nine months is standing right there, supposedly out with you so that you can both have a good time.

This depends on your own boundaries and limits, Shala. Some people may insist that they want, or want to give, that much freedom. It would upset _me_, if this happened to me. And I would mention to my BF that I don't expect all of his attention to focus on me all the time, but that when it strays to the point where he forgets I am around and makes a comment like that, it is not something I'm willing to live with.

Still, all people make mistakes. He's human. Talk to him and see what he says. If he tries to put it all on you, maybe _that_ should raise a flag more than his thoughtless comment itself.

I hope that's helpful somehow. Good luck.


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## moore2me (Jul 9, 2008)

Shala said:


> (Shala speaking of her boyfriend) . . . He tells me all day, everyday how beautiful I am. And I tell you....its like a drug.
> 
> *Moore's comments: Shala, I have gotten old enough and been with my husband long enough now that I really don't need to hear every day how beautiful I am. I prefer to be called any of the following: smart, cunning, accurate, funny, fair, healthy, artistic, or friendly. Beauty is something that we older women find in our souls, in our spirits, in the young, or in nature. So, making a big deal about being told one is beautiful makes me wonder if there are other virtues that you posess that are just as important to him. And the sentiment should flow both ways - his beauty and virility will decline too with age, so he should have other things that make him a good match for you.*
> 
> ...



*You really need to stop depending on relying on someone else's opinion (or what you think their opinion is) as a yardstick for your self-worth. Heck, you don't even know what he is really thinking. And, what is worse, you admitted he forgot about it within a few hours. You, on the other hand are chewing on it and are "making a bump on your skin into an open wound."*



edx said:


> I think most Alfa Romeos are incredibly hot looking cars. I have zero interest in owning one, and no real interest in even driving one. In fact I often laugh at one friend who does have one (and suffers for it). In fact the cars I love to own and drive are not little sporty numbers, but things more practical and perhaps a bit funky. Id love me one of the new VW Beetles, and I happily drove two Dodge Colts into the ground (they were surprisingly fun cars, yet I once moved a freezer in one of them). But when I see an Alfa Romeo, Ill looked, admire, and maybe say something. They are gorgeous for what they are, even if what they are doesnt much interest me.
> 
> *You have got to love men like Edx and their way of sweet talking a lady. Now there's a real man. Ed is saying he would much rather have his wife, who is like old Dodge Colt, than that sexy girl in the bikini, the Alfa Romeo.
> 
> ...





Shala said:


> Great points, AFG. One of the main reasons I didn't say anything to him is that I didn't want to appear oversensitive or over-emotional. Most times we enjoy conversations where we discuss what we find attractive in others. The world is filled with beautiful people. That's why I wasn't sure why this remark made me feel less desirable.
> 
> And this may sound crazy to some....but I like that he feels open enough to tell me that stuff. I want to hear truths like that from him. I know alot of people said he was being insensitive and a jerk.....but it wasn't his fault. We have had these comments/discussions openly before. It was MY reaction to it that was the problem I think. I can't really pin my hang-ups on him....totally unfair. Right?
> 
> Last night at dinner, he told me "You know that nothing in this world means as much to me as you, right?" How can I ever resist that?




*Shala, He sounds great. Just makes sure his followup actions match his talk. If so, he may be a good man for you. But, like all men that you want to domesticate, he will need some extra training. That's the fun part!*


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## olwen (Jul 13, 2008)

Power_Metal_Kitsune said:


> Yeah, if that were my boyfriend saying that shit, he'd be gone. Take it from me hon,if he's oogling thin chicks he'll eventually dump you for a thin chick.
> 
> Just because he's nice and tells you you're beautiful doesn't mean he's turned on by you. Just look at my fiance, nice guy and all, and he may even like my inside but I bet if Angelina Jolie or someone wanted a go, I'd be home with a bag of microwave popcorn and my cat every weekend. At least he doesn't say it though, and that's what matters.
> 
> ...



Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah. So much negativity...I kind of wanted to burn my eyes after reading this. All of this may be_ a_ harsh reality, but it isn't _the only _reality. Why would you want to be with someone who likes you despite your weight? Happiness will never happen in that setup. If I thought that would be true of every guy I met, then I'd rather be alone than settle. No woman wants to be with a man who settles for them, no man either for that matter. Yes, if you really feel that way, then you are settling for him and that's not fair to him either.

Consider that if you think of yourself as a freak, than so will the men who groove on your vibe. My friends have NEVER tried to sleep with me. Believe it or not, they still do respect me. I don't think I've ever bought more than dinner for a guy, yet they manage to still want to stick around for a while. And it IS possible for a guy to find all body types attractive. If a guy who does like all body types ends up choosing me than I'd think it's because he thinks I have a lot to offer him in more ways than one.

Your negative attitude about men isn't going to bring you any happiness, not by any means cause what guy would want to put up with it for long? There _must _be something about you he likes for him to be able to over look that about you, which indicates to me that you're just not giving yourself enough credit. I don't even know you and I now feel infected by your negativity, which I now have to try to shake off. Gee thanks.


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## olwen (Jul 13, 2008)

liz (di-va) said:


> I think this is just incredibly stinking thinking. Not to mention the logic doesn't work.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'd say your 2 cents is worth about a buck fifty. Well said.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 13, 2008)

mossystate said:


> This...yes.
> 
> Oh, and, I am not a woman who wants a man who feels a need to blurt out.." Now THAT is hot! ". No matter the form he is ogling. None of us, male or female, are blind when it comes to people we find attractive...but...seems more than a little tacky to express things this way. I have never personally been with a guy who does this, but, I have run into a few here ( online..including Dims ).
> 
> He is with you......he wants you....he tells you this. If he gives you reason to believe otherwise..well, you know what to do. And...have a lil talk on how not to be so tacky.






Fascinita said:


> Even if the two of you have agreed not to be exclusive (to date other people), this is still not something you do in front of your date. You don't mack while the woman you've been going out with for nine months is standing right there, supposedly out with you so that you can both have a good time.
> 
> This depends on your own boundaries and limits, Shala. Some people may insist that they want, or want to give, that much freedom. It would upset _me_, if this happened to me. And I would mention to my BF that I don't expect all of his attention to focus on me all the time, but that when it strays to the point where he forgets I am around and makes a comment like that, it is not something I'm willing to live with.
> 
> ...




There have been some really good responses in this thread. I agree with the initial point of he simply shouldn't have said that in front of you. You are his GF and you deserve a certain amount of respect from him just because you have that title. It has nothing to do with your feelings of insecurity or your size...he was an oaf to say it. 
I concur with some of the others that you should talk to him about this. It bothered you THIS MUCH....and it was caused by his carelessness. It seems like something with an easy enough mend......of just making him aware of his faux pas and I sure he won't forget to hold his tongue next time. 
Shutting your mouth is not always a bad thing, IMO. 
I notice men don't like to be compared to others.....nor do they like to be disrespected by a woman ogling other guys when she is with him. It's simple decency of how to treat other human beings, IMO.
There is not a damn thing wrong with expecting decency from your lover. 




Shala said:


> I completely agree with the importance of examining all aspects of a relationship......which I have done and I'm still in the process of doing.
> 
> A few posts here bring up that men can be in love with a woman "in spite" of her weight. While my guy has NEVER said anything like this, this is exactly the thought that popped into my head that day. But to his credit, his words and his actions show only love and sexual attractionto me. That's why I think this is my problem....my own head screwing with me.



I also liked Observer's points about you being his "first big girl". I was the biggest my last bf has had....and you know what? He effing thinks I am sexy...even after some weight gain. He didn't just say it...I could tell from his actions, eyes and words that it was true. Did he find some thinner women attractive? Yes, he did....I could see that, too. However, that didn't make me any less sexy/attractive in his eyes....or mine. 
Funny, if you had a "True FA", would you still feel this crack in your security if a bigger woman came up in a bikini and he made the same remark? I'm guessing that you probably would.......your size...or hers really has nothing to do with it all at the end of the day, IMO.





moore2me said:


> And, don't be down on your boyfriend for telling you the truth - unless you want him to stop telling you those kind of truths.



There are a lot of "truths" I could have told some of the men in my life...but why would I if I knew they would hurt them...and all that "truth" really wasn't that important? I know what it is to see a man better looking than the one I'm with....but do I need to point that out to my bf? You know...that same guy I choose to spend my time with and whisper sweet things to in the dark?
To me, there is a difference between "being honest" and being an inconsiderate ass. Her guy might just need the subtle differences pointed out......



jewels_mystery said:


> A slight slap up side the head will help. When he asks what that is for, tell him. He may be clueless. Set some boundaries. True we all look and find others attractive. The last thing I want is for my boyfriend to point one out.



Bingo.....I'm willing to bet that he wouldn't like it either...so there is nothing wrong with pointing it out to him.


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