# Fantasy ruining reality



## Famouslastwords (Dec 23, 2009)

This isn't exactly a BBW issue persay but more of a woman issue. If it's in the wrong forum, please move it.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I wonder if fantasy ruins reality for a lot of us? Maybe fantasy just ruins reality for me. For example, I read the Twilight books, and I wish there was an Edward out there for me. I understand this is unrealistic. Not just the vampire part- part of being human means you're fallible. For the most part, I just want to tell myself to be real and accept whatever is normal. But what is normal? We have romantic comedies teaching us that bad boys can be changed by the right woman (sometimes they can, but most of the time as most of us know, this is not the case), that men love quirky women, that relationships aren't full of trials, that finding love is easy, etc. We have our romance novels, and tv shows all showing us warped visions of what love is. What is real love? So many marriages end in divorce these days. Relationships that we thought were perfect are ruined without a moment's notice. Is there any romance left?
Are people (or even, am I) too desensitized by our romance fantasies that we don't recognize real romance when we see it?

I wonder if I'm spoiled. I had a fiance that was pretty much my soulmate but the relationship was ruined by a series of unfortunate events (his grandmother died, my bipolar condition kicked into gear, etc). I don't know how to let him go, even though we've been broken up for several years now. I dated someone else for 6 months after. And I was madly in love with him, but when my fiance came back into my life, our relationship crumbled apart. Mostly because it was long distance and I didn't want to move there and he didn't want to move here. I think I would have been more eager to move if my fiance hadn't come back into my life. I dated for awhile, but gave up because it seemed like all the guys my age wanted was pussy. I'm now back with my first real boyfriend (of my adult years). I originally left him to be with my fiance because our relationship was ending anyway.

I'm not happy. He's not even trying. He gives me anything I want that we can afford, he supports me emotionally, but one of my conditions for getting back with him was that he work on his erectile dysfunction, and he hasn't even TRIED to have sex with me. He admits it's a mental block, but he doesn't seem interested in even working through it. It's like he's just wants me to leave again.

I chose to get back with him because I decided together and miserable was better than alone and miserable. Part of me still hopes that there's still a perfect relationship out there for me.

So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?


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## littlefairywren (Dec 23, 2009)

First off FLW, I am sorry you are un-happy. 

For me the reality of love was - the initial little bubble of love when you find that special someone. But that gets quickly replaced by real life....morning breath, dutch-ovens, wet towels on the floor and having to wash their underwear. No romance there! Mine was a marriage of extreme lows, mixed with alcohol and abuse. But I always wished for that "white knight on a steed" to rescue me. I stayed too, and part of it was a real fear of being alone. In hindsight, I see how foolish that was for me. I lost a lot of my life doing that.

Real romance takes work, just like love. Movies and books have a lot to answer for, they make everything look so easy. But it can be damn hard.

I still question whether "soul mates" exist, and if they do, wonder if I will ever find my own.

I hope you find your happiness, if not with this one then someone who will give you the love you need....and romance


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## StarWitness (Dec 23, 2009)

I think figuring out where to draw the line between fantasy ideal and reasonable expectation is one of those fun problems that you have to figure out through living (i.e. making mistakes and learning from them). You can certainly conjecture-- do I need this, or do I want this?; if he had this expectation of me, would I find it unfair?-- but ultimately, comes down to trial and error.

On a personal note: my last relationship had similar problems, except I was the one with the nonexistent libido. I didn't want to end it for the same reason: I thought that being miserable with someone was better than being miserable and alone. It sucked when it ended, but I learned quite quickly that unhappiness is so much more manageable when you don't have to compromise what you want because you have a partner to think about-- or when happiness relies on someone else changing.


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## SocialbFly (Dec 24, 2009)

one thing i learned long ago, is if you are not happy with just yourself, you will not be happy in a relationship either...you have to get to that point of self love, self acceptance to get to that point with someone else...

i think many women are raised with the unrealistic hopes of "Prince Charming" and i dont think they exist, but then i am not princess charming either...

i think we all make our way thru life one bump at a time, and if you can find someone who can take the bumps with you...and support you, see your faults and still love you..and you them, then maybe you have found your own sort of Prince.


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## Inhibited (Dec 24, 2009)

> I'm not happy. He's not even trying. He gives me anything I want that we can afford, he supports me emotionally, but one of my conditions for getting back with him was that he work on his erectile dysfunction, and he hasn't even TRIED to have sex with me. He admits it's a mental block, but he doesn't seem interested in even working through it. It's like he's just wants me to leave again.
> 
> I chose to get back with him because I decided together and miserable was better than alone and miserable. Part of me still hopes that there's still a perfect relationship out there for me.



This is nothing against you FLW we all do what we think is right for us, but i would rather be alone then be with someone just for the sack of being with someone....... When i get asked why i'm single that is my answer, coz i don't want a boyfriend just for the sack of having a boyfriend and i don't want an instant family.......


> So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?


[/QUOTE]

I'm not really into the romantic crap, i don't want flowers, if i want something i will buy it myself, and i would rather go to maccas or the local club than some fancy restaurant....i know i generalized romance..  It would be nice to have a relationship like on the sit-coms, they are supportive, joke with each other, sort out differences with out being screamed at...... I was thinking about that the other day as well while watching TV, it is a good question do ppl really have relationships like on TV that seem so perfect, well perfect to me anyway....


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## bigsexy920 (Dec 24, 2009)

I have issues with this reality vs. fantasy. I'm not sure if its just a thing here in this community but I feel like (and it could just be me) I fall short of most FA's fantasy. I went out this past week casually with an FA and in conversation it was said that I was really too small for his liking and he was slightly disappointed that when he hugged me that he could reach all the way around me. 

I wasn't living up to his fantasy that he has for a fat girl -- cause really - I'm very fat just not fat enough. My ass is big but not big enough, my boobs are big but not big enough. I get this a lot - I know this can fall in line with preference but I do really think it that maybe their preference is not always reality based. 

It is hard because as secure as you may be, it is still very hard to hear that you are not attractive enough for someone that is in general interested in fat girls. We spend our whole life dodging or trying to dodge negative comments from the rest of the world and then you find this world and it feels at times that i spend more time dodging negative comments from the very people who claim to adore you -seems like its not really you they adore - its your fat and where you wear it. and that to me is fantasy. Because reality is there is a real woman or man under that flesh.


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 24, 2009)

I am perpetually alone and I've often wondered if maybe my perpetual aloneness is because I'm too picky for my own good. AM I holding out for a fantasy that doesn't exist? In my particular circumstance I don't think so. I don't want FWB or casual stuff, I want a partner. I meet these guys who seem to be attracted to me pretty much but I'm assigned the nosebleed section in the arena of their lives. This is a consistent issue and I wonder if maybe I'm being much too discriminatory? Maybe I should take a chance that some day things will change and I will eventually become significant to him but the prospect of doing that is unattractive to me. I won't dangle my heart out for someone who off the bat says that I will never be more important to him than his cell phone. Been there, done that, did NOT buy the shirt. I've had a few serious inquiries but there is usually some stark contrast in values that I know would never work. So I'm by myself. I do know what it feels like to be in an unhappy relationship and me personally I would prefer to be alone. I thought maybe I should just stick to casual relationships but that's not really me. I know I wouldn't be happy doing that.

I still believe in love though. I believe that when two people truly love each other they can overcome anything and the reality of that could be a hearty full course meal rather than the confectionary fantasies we all like to read about and watch on the screen. We will still like those heroic kinds of stories but will be grateful the for kindredness we share with that person who is your best friend and partner. I do believe, I do I do! I won't settle. 

And bigsexy, that guy was rude.  I would tell him so.

ETA: Famouslastwords, your post was wonderful. I tried to Rep you but couldn't so I'm saying so publicly. This is a wonderful topic and your post was powerful. :kiss2:


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## katherine22 (Dec 24, 2009)

bigsexy920 said:


> I have issues with this reality vs. fantasy. I'm not sure if its just a thing here in this community but I feel like (and it could just be me) I fall short of most FA's fantasy. I went out this past week casually with an FA and in conversation it was said that I was really too small for his liking and he was slightly disappointed that when he hugged me that he could reach all the way around me.
> 
> I wasn't living up to his fantasy that he has for a fat girl -- cause really - I'm very fat just not fat enough. My ass is big but not big enough, my boobs are big but not big enough. I get this a lot - I know this can fall in line with preference but I do really think it that maybe their preference is not always reality based.
> 
> It is hard because as secure as you may be, it is still very hard to hear that you are not attractive enough for someone that is in general interested in fat girls. We spend our whole life dodging or trying to dodge negative comments from the rest of the world and then you find this world and it feels at times that i spend more time dodging negative comments from the very people who claim to adore you -seems like its not really you they adore - its your fat and where you wear it. and that to me is fantasy. Because reality is there is a real woman or man under that flesh.



What held relationships together in the past no longer apply. Women have gained more independence and that may be freightening to some people. To discount a woman on such flimsy premises such as not being fat enough, not being peared shaped enough becomes the rationalization for the lack of ability to be close to the woman.


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## Tania (Dec 25, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> ...I meet these guys who seem to be attracted to me pretty much but I'm assigned the nosebleed section in the arena of their lives. This is a consistent issue and I wonder if maybe I'm being much too discriminatory? Maybe I should take a chance that some day things will change and I will eventually become significant to him but the prospect of doing that is unattractive to me. I won't dangle my heart out for someone who off the bat says that I will never be more important to him than his cell phone. Been there, done that, did NOT buy the shirt.
> ...
> I still believe in love though. I believe that when two people truly love each other they can overcome anything and the reality of that could be a hearty full course meal rather than the confectionary fantasies we all like to read about and watch on the screen.



I feel all of this. In fact, I've been SO nosebleed section for so long that I'm not entirely sure what the real action's supposed to look like or even feel like up close. If no one ever returns your feelings, are your feelings real? It's like the tree falling in the woods - if no one's there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

I spent a couple of hours the other day trying to compose a response to FLW, but I was having real trouble coming up with anything that didn't sound like dead leaves in the wind. Good, solid, satisfying relationships - not perfect fantasies - must exist out there somewhere. I don't think the things I crave are fantasies. The people I like certainly aren't perfect fantasies. I don't really have any particularly unrealistic expectations of men, I don't think. And frankly, I don't think FLW does, either. 

Love shouldn't leave you feeling spent and unfulfilled all the time. You shouldn't have to feel like your partner isn't holding up his end of the bargain because he's not even attempting to fulfill his promises to you. My one long-term relationship - my marriage - was a big, uneven mess, with me always left eating crow because my idiot ex-husband kept lying to me and ditching out on his obligations - not just to me, but to our friends and families, too. It was not only hurtful, it was often humiliating. There's a lot I'd do to make a situation work, but when it's obvious the other party's heart really isn't in it, why bother?


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## TallFatSue (Dec 26, 2009)

Romance novels and movies notwithstanding, "Prince Charmings" are in short supply. My own experience is that the blaze of romantic fireworks and being swept off my feet are unrealistic. On the other hand, there's much to be said for deep abiding affection. Marrying my best friend turned out to be the best decision I ever made. He's not the most romantic guy in the world in the classic sense, and I can't remember the last time he bought flowers for me. However he sure knows how to light my fires into a warm and loving glow. :smitten:

One of my mother's many criticisms when I was growing up was that I was wayyyy too fat for any man to desire me, so I'd better get good grades and find a good career. Therefore I became pretty self-sufficient and had no expectations that "someday my prince will come." Luckily I met someone who admired my self-sufficiency and had pretty much the same positive-but-realistic outlook on life. It was awkward at first but we worked through it because we saw something special in each other. We had a romance out of a screwball comedy because he had no idea how to deal with so much fat, but he sure learned. :smitten:


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 26, 2009)

This kind of reminds me of something I read about jobhunting, that it's nearly 100% unsuccessful because you only actually succeed once, but that's when you find a job. In other words, the majority of job hunting is sad, frustrating, annoying and depressing. You send out resumes that don't get answers, you try to network with people who ignore you, you go on interviews and don't get hired, you get told you're perfect for a position and you wait by the phone for the offer and it never comes. Eventually (hopefully) it works but everything before the time it worked really sucked.

Every relationship you have doesn't work (to some degree) except hopefully for the one that does. There are bad dates, guys who don't call back, guys who lie, guys who say they're going to do something and don't do it, broken promises, breakups, etc. I have an ongoing mindf**k that i'm trying to get out of and just yesterday the guy texts me when he's getting on a plane to go away for Christmas and says "I'll call you when I land" and he doesn't. A piece of me dies a little whenever that happens and it happens a lot.

Romantic fantasy is sold the same way magazine covers are airbrushed and photos are retouched. Nobody really looks like the retouched photo and nobody has a "fantasy" or fairytale life. If you aim to look that way or live that way, yes you'll be disappointed. But if you want to be pretty or fall in love, that can and does happen.

Did you all know that the original ending of the movie "Pretty Woman" ended with Richard Gere just throwing the $3000 at Julia Roberts and leaving? That ending was a bust with audiences, because like Vivian in the movie, they wanted a fairy tale. In reality, working as a Hollywood Boulevard hooker is not likely to hook you up with a billionaire prince who wants to marry you. I think to some degree a lot of the media fascination with Princess Diana was when it came to light that she was really desperately unhappy. Believing in fairy tales is great but learning that they're not real after all is _comforting._


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 26, 2009)

bigsexy920 said:


> It is hard because as secure as you may be, it is still very hard to hear that you are not attractive enough for someone that is in general interested in fat girls. We spend our whole life dodging or trying to dodge negative comments from the rest of the world and then you find this world and it feels at times that i spend more time dodging negative comments from the very people who claim to adore you -seems like its not really you they adore - its your fat and where you wear it. and that to me is fantasy. Because reality is there is a real woman or man under that flesh.



But it's so very, very clear that the problem is him, not you. I don't understand why we internalize things so much. Why we just assume that rejection = something wrong with us. He has the problem, and it's just as you said: He's not living in the real world. Someone who has a set of preferences SO narrow and SO specific may as well be shopping for a freaking toolbox rather than a relationship (and he'd probably treat you with just as much consideration). 

Be thankful that you dodged that particular bullet. There are men out there who will love every inch of who and what you are, and won't require that you change one damn thing. Ironically, many of them probably don't even identify specifically as FA.


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## toni (Dec 26, 2009)

Famouslastwords said:


> So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?



I don't believe in it. I think it is all about finding someone you can get along with. That true love stuff they show us in the movies is all bullshit. It doesn't exist. 

Being happy with who you are and who you are with is key. You need to live in the NOW and appreciate everything you have. I know it is very easy to say but very hard to do. I struggle with it everyday. 

You though are dealing with a very hard issue. ED is horrible. It must make you feel all sorts of things(even though its not your fault). Has he seen a doctor? This would be a huge issue for me. He can not let i t linger, it is not fair to you.


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## katherine22 (Dec 26, 2009)

toni said:


> I don't believe in it. I think it is all about finding someone you can get along with. That true love stuff they show us in the movies is all bullshit. It doesn't exist.
> 
> Being happy with who you are and who you are with is key. You need to live in the NOW and appreciate everything you have. I know it is very easy to say but very hard to do. I struggle with it everyday.
> 
> You though are dealing with a very hard issue. ED is horrible. It must make you feel all sorts of things(even though its not your fault). Has he seen a doctor? This would be a huge issue for me. He can not let i t linger, it is not fair to you.



Great post. If women would realize that they have everything within to have a fulfilling life then they would appear less incomplete in the eyes of men. Men run from the job of making a woman happy since it a enormous pressure to make another person happy.


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## Hathor (Dec 31, 2009)

Famouslastwords said:


> So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?



FLW.... 

I am in the same boat as you. I imagine the greatest guy and when life delivers he's always less than par. Perhaps my standards are too high and I'm delusional about what having a boyfriend really entails or something. 

I would love to get an Edward or a Viggo (Aragorn) or someone who passionately loves me despite my faults. In all honesty, he doesn't exist outside my dreams.


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## Famouslastwords (Jan 1, 2010)

I wanted to thank all you ladies for your sincere responses. They mean a lot to mean and I'm happy for the discussion that has been generated here. I too, wonder if I am too picky. I had one really good, satisfying relationship (with my ex-fiance) it had it's ups and it's downs, but overall it was a great one and we really loved each other and we didn't break up because we stopped loving each other, we broke up because things got between us. I guess one could argue that if it was meant to be we would have survived those things. Still I can't even begin to know how to let go of the memory.



toni said:


> I don't believe in it. I think it is all about finding someone you can get along with. That true love stuff they show us in the movies is all bullshit. It doesn't exist.
> 
> Being happy with who you are and who you are with is key. You need to live in the NOW and appreciate everything you have. I know it is very easy to say but very hard to do. I struggle with it everyday.
> 
> You though are dealing with a very hard issue. ED is horrible. It must make you feel all sorts of things(even though its not your fault). Has he seen a doctor? This would be a huge issue for me. He can not let i t linger, it is not fair to you.



The first time my current boyfriend and I were together, we broke up the because of his erectile dysfunction, that he refused to do anything about, despite the fact that I cried, pleaded, begged, yelled, argued, everything him to do something. We got back together this time only because I had given up on guys and he promised to do something about his erectile dysfunction. It's been months and he's done nothing. He's told me he has basically felt like his life is on hold and that's why. I don't get it, but I'm fed up.



Hathor said:


> FLW....
> 
> I am in the same boat as you. I imagine the greatest guy and when life delivers he's always less than par. Perhaps my standards are too high and I'm delusional about what having a boyfriend really entails or something.
> 
> I would love to get an Edward or a Viggo (Aragorn) or someone who passionately loves me despite my faults. In all honesty, he doesn't exist outside my dreams.



It would appear so. Wouldn't it be nice though? I guess that's what dreams are for...


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## toni (Jan 1, 2010)

That is so not cool. Force his hand. Tell him if he doesn't do something soon, you will take on another lover. He can not expect you to live without sex. Tell him if he can't give it, you will get it somewhere else. If he doesn't do anything to fix himself after that, follow through on your threat.


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## TraciJo67 (Jan 1, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> The first time my current boyfriend and I were together, we broke up the because of his erectile dysfunction, that he refused to do anything about, despite the fact that I cried, pleaded, begged, yelled, argued, everything him to do something. We got back together this time only because I had given up on guys and he promised to do something about his erectile dysfunction. It's been months and he's done nothing. He's told me he has basically felt like his life is on hold and that's why. I don't get it, but I'm fed up.
> 
> 
> 
> It would appear so. Wouldn't it be nice though? I guess that's what dreams are for...




FLW, yikes. What a sensitive, unhappy issue for both of you. If I were in your position, I'd want to know why he hasn't followed through with a treatment plan. What are the issues that are preventing him from doing so? Fear? Pride? Misdirected anger? I'm not even hinting at a reason here, just throwing out the first things that come to mind. Do you have any ideas? Has he told you? Can you discuss it with him without an angry and defensive reaction (on either side)? 

I'm trying to think of how I'd react if I were in your shoes, and it's impossible. I've been with my husband for 20+ years and we have a child together, so I doubt I'd leave him if this were the only issue between us, although it would be very emotionally painful for both of us. In your position, you don't have as much vested - although clearly, there is love there. You need to decide if it is enough. If it is, then that means you've made a decision and know in advance that he is probably never going to meet your needs sexually. The one thing that I've learned -- the hard, very very hard way -- is that people for the most part do not change. This has been a problem in your relationship for a very long time, and the pattern seems fairly set - he's not going to get help unless he's presented with an option that is more painful than his current reality. And when that crisis passes, can you rely on him to continue making an effort, or would it be more likely that he'd slip back into his old, comfortable patterns? Sometimes, that which makes us very unhappy is also something familiar, known, and oh-so-easy to fall back into. 

That said, I also feel for your boyfriend since I know that he has to be suffering too. Eventually, you will do what is right for *you*. Right now, it seems that you are focusing on trying to salvage something with a man that you love very much. You'll find your threshhold point. I know you will. You're a capable, clever (and altogether evil ) gal.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Jan 2, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> I'm not happy. He's not even trying. He gives me anything I want that we can afford, he supports me emotionally, but one of my conditions for getting back with him was that he work on his erectile dysfunction, and he hasn't even TRIED to have sex with me. He admits it's a mental block, but he doesn't seem interested in even working through it. It's like he's just wants me to leave again.
> 
> I chose to get back with him because I decided together and miserable was better than alone and miserable. Part of me still hopes that there's still a perfect relationship out there for me.
> 
> So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?



I tried to stay out of this because I am afraid what I am going to say is going to be harsh and I would hurt your feelings Rachel..I do not want to do that but I do want to be honest..

He is not supportive of your emotions,he only gives you "stuff" to keep you under his thumb..He is an control freak..He holds back intimacy and sex to keep you in control..Not having a good sex life should be the killer to this relationship..I am sorry but he is not going to try to work on his issues,never..You can scream and yell and cuss but it will not change his mind..Been here done this before...He has zero respect for you..To him it does not matter what you want or need emotionally or intimately you are not getting it from him..You wont ever get it from him..I was married to a man like this..The optimum word being was..

If it was me personally I would move on..You can't find anyone being in a dead end relationship and settling for someone just so you wont be alone..I can do alone and miserable a whole lot better then in a relationship with no end in sight and miserable..

I do not believe in a perfect relationship,they are all going to have their ups and downs..All of them have good and bad times..I believe you can find someone that is your equal that will respect and love you without all the fkin games..You can find someone that will be good to you and try to make life better for you..Some one that will help you in life,to me that is the reality of love..


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## Paul (Jan 2, 2010)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I tried to stay out of this because I am afraid what I am going to say is going to be harsh and I would hurt your feelings Rachel..I do not want to do that but I do want to be honest..
> 
> He is not supportive of your emotions,he only gives you "stuff" to keep you under his thumb..He is an control freak..He holds back intimacy and sex to keep you in control..Not having a good sex life should be the killer to this relationship..I am sorry but he is not going to try to work on his issues,never..You can scream and yell and cuss but it will not change his mind..Been here done this before...He has zero respect for you..To him it does not matter what you want or need emotionally or intimately you are not getting it from him..You wont ever get it from him..I was married to a man like this..The optimum word being was..
> 
> I do not believe in a perfect relationship,they are all going to have their ups and downs..All of them have good and bad times..I believe you can find someone that is your equal that will respect and love you without all the fkin games..You can find someone that will be good to you and try to make life better for you..Some one that will help you in life,to me that is the reality of love..




Famouslastwords listen to what Bublebutbabe is saying. I believe she is right. It is very hard to be alone and miserable. We fool ourselves when we fall into the trap that we will be happier if we are with someone (even if we are miserable being with them), than alone and miserable. Trust me you will be much happier alone than with someone who doesn't care enough to work on the issues destroying your relationship. Ask yourself these two questions you have probably been avoiding, "Why is he with you, if he will not work with you to improve the relationship?" and "Deep in your heart of hearts do you feel he truly loves you?" 

You cannot make someone love you. I know. For several years while at university I was with a woman who saw the two of us as very good friends. I kept believing that we could be more than friends if I worked hard enough on our relationship. I thought she was the girl of my dreams. I was wrong. Hanging on to this hope I missed out on several opportunities to begin new relationships, relationships were I could find real love. 

The longer you remain in a relationship were he truly does not appear to want to take the relationship to the next level, the longer it will take for you to find that truly special man who will love you with all his heart and you both will want to spend the rest of your lives together..

Trust me, you will be happier alone than with this man. Famouslastwords you are an awesome woman. How can you let this man treat you this way.

If it was me I would move on. You can't find someone who will truly love you if you remain in a dead end relationship. Settling for someone just so you wont be alone and miserable is not the way to find love and happiness. Trust me alone and miserable is a whole lot better then being with someone and still miserable. 

It will be hard to be alone. In the long run you will be glad you moved on. To find someone who will love you you must end this dead end relationship. Only then will you have the opportunity to find someone you can love and who will love you in return.


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## Sandie S-R (Jan 3, 2010)

FLW,

I don't believe there is a "perfect" relationship. But I do believe there is a "perfect for me" relationship. Both my husband and I are far from perfect people - but we are perfect for each other. The foundation for our relationship is mutual respect and a deep friendship. It really is true that if you marry your best friend it's as good as it gets. My husband and I absolutely adore each other, and what we have is genuine. Do we have problems - of course, who doesn't? But we can work out anything because the foundation is respect and friendship. Neither one of us would ever do anything to hurt the other one. We strive to build each other up and support each other. 

I think you have to ask yourself if there is mutual respect and friendship as a basis for your relationship. It sounds like he cares for you, but it also sounds like he is having some problems that only he can work out. For you to settle for something that is not what you want, will never work. Any of us who have been around the block once or twice can tell you that. 

As far as the ED goes, him saying it is a mental block, doesn't necessarily make it so. There are any number of things that can cause ED, and it can just as easily be physiological as it can be mental. To have it diagnosed properly he would have to see a Dr. that specializes in that. It sounds like he is either afraid or very uncomfortable doing that. Many men find it hard to discuss. 

Don't know if any of this helps, but I hope you figure you way through this FLW. Sending you a hug.


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## Jes (Jan 3, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?



I hear your frustration and I'm sorry for it. But I also hear that you're answering your own questions here, FLWords. Storybook romances are stories. In books.  Hint: Edward doesn't actually exist. Stories have a place in this world, but they shouldn't be mistaken for real life. We're only setting ourselves up for discontent when we do that, and there are really so many wonderful things in this world if we work on finding them. You spoke of the wonderful relationship you had with your ex. Yes, it didn't work out, but that doesn't make the good any less good, does it? A good relationship should fall someplace on the 'totally perfect/shitty spectrum,' but not at either end, I think. SOund like you had one close to the perfect, and are now having one close to the shitty. But make no mistake about it--you've answered your own question w/o any input from us. There ARE better relationships than the one you're in, and you CAN and HAVE experienced one of them.

Now, on to your sex life (hey, you opened that door, I'm only following you through it). Lack of a functioning penis doesn't mean lack of a sex life. Lack of desire on one's part might, but only if that person isn't willing to go through some motions to at least see you enjoy yourself sometimes ('fake it 'til you make it?'). Does he put his mouth on you? Does he use his hand on you? does he use a dildo or a vibe on you? does he tell you you're beautiful? does he touch you while you're watching tv together? Or is this a completely non-physical/non-sexual love affair you're having? SOme people would be good with that, but it sounds like you're not. But if he's telling you that his lack of libido/lack of erection ability means you 2 can't have a sex life, he's either lying or insane. Your pick. If you can handle the truth of the situation ('I don't feel any sex drive and I'm also not willing to move past that to give you any pleasure') then fine. But make him tell you the goddamned truth, b/c I don't think it's about his penis. I think it's about his choices and whether he's sometimes willing to put your needs above his. If you're going to settle for this relationship OR leave it, then do it for a real reason. He's not giving you the real one now, I don't think.


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## activistfatgirl (Jan 3, 2010)

Having a healthy relationship is not a fantasy.

Being with someone just so you don't have to be alone is probably the best way of not having calm, centered space in your life to find a healthy relationship.

I don't want to be harsh, but we really all do have to face this. The problem isn't that no amazing Edwards exist. It's that you're settling for the Villian - would you even recognize Edward if he was near?


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## katherine22 (Jan 3, 2010)

Jes said:


> I hear your frustration and I'm sorry for it. But I also hear that you're answering your own questions here, FLWords. Storybook romances are stories. In books.  Hint: Edward doesn't actually exist. Stories have a place in this world, but they shouldn't be mistaken for real life. We're only setting ourselves up for discontent when we do that, and there are really so many wonderful things in this world if we work on finding them. You spoke of the wonderful relationship you had with your ex. Yes, it didn't work out, but that doesn't make the good any less good, does it? A good relationship should fall someplace on the 'totally perfect/shitty spectrum,' but not at either end, I think. SOund like you had one close to the perfect, and are now having one close to the shitty. But make no mistake about it--you've answered your own question w/o any input from us. There ARE better relationships than the one you're in, and you CAN and HAVE experienced one of them.
> 
> Now, on to your sex life (hey, you opened that door, I'm only following you through it). Lack of a functioning penis doesn't mean lack of a sex life. Lack of desire on one's part might, but only if that person isn't willing to go through some motions to at least see you enjoy yourself sometimes ('fake it 'til you make it?'). Does he put his mouth on you? Does he use his hand on you? does he use a dildo or a vibe on you? does he tell you you're beautiful? does he touch you while you're watching tv together? Or is this a completely non-physical/non-sexual love affair you're having? SOme people would be good with that, but it sounds like you're not. But if he's telling you that his lack of libido/lack of erection ability means you 2 can't have a sex life, he's either lying or insane. Your pick. If you can handle the truth of the situation ('I don't feel any sex drive and I'm also not willing to move past that to give you any pleasure') then fine. But make him tell you the goddamned truth, b/c I don't think it's about his penis. I think it's about his choices and whether he's sometimes willing to put your needs above his. If you're going to settle for this relationship OR leave it, then do it for a real reason. He's not giving you the real one now, I don't think.



Wow, I am blown away by your analysis of this situation. You have given famouslastwords a lot to think about. There is a difference between having sexual dysfunction that becomes a rationalization for selfishness vs. sexual dysfunction where one wants to give another pleasure despite it.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 3, 2010)

If you hope to find another relationship as good as the first one you had, why are you tying yourself up and trying to "fix" one that doesn't sound nearly as good? 

Stop letting your fear drive. You are young, beautiful, groovy, kind, witty and intelligent. As Jes said, you had better. You're not spoiled......you just want and deserve more. 

This feeling of dissatisfaction....perhaps even frustration.....how long do you want to live feeling that way? Do you want to spend....oh say....three years of your life feeling like that? How about 5 or 10? Your life is valuable.....don't waste it trying to fix someone that isn't even willing to try....no matter what lip service he pays you. 
I say that from personal experience. Don't take his problems onto yourself.....particularly if his problems hurt you.

I can fully agree that relationships are compromises.....this just doesn't sound like a good kind of compromise if it makes you feel this way.


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## Pharadox (Jan 3, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> I chose to get back with him because I decided together and miserable was better than alone and miserable. Part of me still hopes that there's still a perfect relationship out there for me.
> 
> So I guess my questions are, ladies, is there such a thing as the perfect romance? Have any of you experienced it? Should I just accept the hand I've been dealt? In your experience, what is the reality of love?



In my experience, together and miserable is not better than alone and miserable... the thing is that you shouldn't be alone and miserable in the first place and feel like being with anyone is somehow going to make life better for you, even if just marginally. It's a wonderful thing to love someone but I do not believe anyone should be in a relationship, or that they can successfully and happily be in a relationship until they can successfully and happily be alone.

There is no such thing as a perfect romance. Not even close. Love is hard work. The point isn't to find someone that will make life better than it is, but to find someone that you want to struggle through the hard times and treasure the good times with in life as it is. That's what makes the person, not perfect, but perfect for you; that drive to get through the worst together, always keeping the best close to your heart out of love for each other. Minus that, what's the point of having a companion? All you'd have left is sex, if you're lucky.

If anything, if the perfect romance exists, it is unwillingness to settle for less than you deserve out of love for yourself.


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 1, 2010)

Guys! GUYS! GUYS!!!!!!!!!

It happened. We had sex today! I've been trying to work with him. Telling him that trying is better than not trying at all. (He told me he "didn't want to try because he was afraid of disappointing me and making the problem worse.") Anyway, Saturday he got a boner, and I was pretty happy and I was like "if it gets hard enough do you want to have sex?" and he was like "I don't know. " and I was like "why ?" He said that he was afraid he couldn't keep hard, or something, I forget the other reason. Anyway, I started crying. Well, I started playing with him again today, and he got a boner, and we ended up doing the deed! I'm pretty stoked! Thank you all for your advice and support. I really appreciate it!

Now if we could just keep the momentum of this up I will have pretty much the perfect relationship except for the age thing (in other people's eyes), but really, age is just a number.


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## Tooz (Feb 1, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> Guys! GUYS! GUYS!!!!!!!!!
> 
> It happened. We had sex today! I've been trying to work with him. Telling him that trying is better than not trying at all. (He told me he "didn't want to try because he was afraid of disappointing me and making the problem worse.") Anyway, Saturday he got a boner, and I was pretty happy and I was like "if it gets hard enough do you want to have sex?" and he was like "I don't know. " and I was like "why ?" He said that he was afraid he couldn't keep hard, or something, I forget the other reason. Anyway, I started crying. Well, I started playing with him again today, and he got a boner, and we ended up doing the deed! I'm pretty stoked! Thank you all for your advice and support. I really appreciate it!
> 
> Now if we could just keep the momentum of this up I will have pretty much the perfect relationship except for the age thing (in other people's eyes), but really, age is just a number.



Age thing? How old is he?


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 1, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> Guys! GUYS! GUYS!!!!!!!!!
> 
> It happened. We had sex today! I've been trying to work with him. Telling him that trying is better than not trying at all. (He told me he "didn't want to try because he was afraid of disappointing me and making the problem worse.") Anyway, Saturday he got a boner, and I was pretty happy and I was like "if it gets hard enough do you want to have sex?" and he was like "I don't know. " and I was like "why ?" He said that he was afraid he couldn't keep hard, or something, I forget the other reason. Anyway, I started crying. Well, I started playing with him again today, and he got a boner, and we ended up doing the deed! I'm pretty stoked! Thank you all for your advice and support. I really appreciate it!
> 
> Now if we could just keep the momentum of this up I will have pretty much the perfect relationship except for the age thing (in other people's eyes), but really, age is just a number.



Oh wow!! That is so wonderful. It sounds from your post as if a lot of emotional walls got broken down in addition to physical. I'm so happy for you girl. It sounds like you put up with a lot to be with this man, hopefully he appreciates it.

Age is just a number. I know long term couples with 10+ year age differences in both directions (older man, younger woman and older woman younger man). If it doesn't matter to you then it doesn't matter period.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 1, 2010)

Get him hooked on your blow jobs.....he'll start asking you for sex 

Seriously though.....I'm glad for you. Most importantly though.....from what you are saying/describing, it sounds like his "issue" is more about his own insecurities and not about you. So......don't take it into yourself or let any of this make you doubt your own attractiveness/desirability. 
That's always my biggest problem- not letting things that aren't really about me affect me negatively. 

He's lucky to have you.....not all women would have your patience/understanding.

Age? Are you a cougar now?


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## calauria (Feb 1, 2010)

bigsexy920 said:


> I have issues with this reality vs. fantasy. I'm not sure if its just a thing here in this community but I feel like (and it could just be me) I fall short of most FA's fantasy. I went out this past week casually with an FA and in conversation it was said that I was really too small for his liking and he was slightly disappointed that when he hugged me that he could reach all the way around me.
> 
> I wasn't living up to his fantasy that he has for a fat girl -- cause really - I'm very fat just not fat enough. My ass is big but not big enough, my boobs are big but not big enough. I get this a lot - I know this can fall in line with preference but I do really think it that maybe their preference is not always reality based.
> 
> It is hard because as secure as you may be, it is still very hard to hear that you are not attractive enough for someone that is in general interested in fat girls. We spend our whole life dodging or trying to dodge negative comments from the rest of the world and then you find this world and it feels at times that i spend more time dodging negative comments from the very people who claim to adore you -seems like its not really you they adore - its your fat and where you wear it. and that to me is fantasy. Because reality is there is a real woman or man under that flesh.



*sigh* Yeah, it's always SOMETHING!! I'm just so over the whole thing. I'm just gonna enjoy my life as a single woman, because dammit, there has been so much abuse in my life and now that I'm free from all of it, I just want to be at peace and I am finally getting there...I'm just gonna enjoy what I have and be happy.


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## calauria (Feb 1, 2010)

bigsexy920 said:


> I have issues with this reality vs. fantasy. I'm not sure if its just a thing here in this community but I feel like (and it could just be me) I fall short of most FA's fantasy. I went out this past week casually with an FA and in conversation it was said that I was really too small for his liking and he was slightly disappointed that when he hugged me that he could reach all the way around me.
> 
> I wasn't living up to his fantasy that he has for a fat girl -- cause really - I'm very fat just not fat enough. My ass is big but not big enough, my boobs are big but not big enough. I get this a lot - I know this can fall in line with preference but I do really think it that maybe their preference is not always reality based.
> 
> It is hard because as secure as you may be, it is still very hard to hear that you are not attractive enough for someone that is in general interested in fat girls. We spend our whole life dodging or trying to dodge negative comments from the rest of the world and then you find this world and it feels at times that i spend more time dodging negative comments from the very people who claim to adore you -seems like its not really you they adore - its your fat and where you wear it. and that to me is fantasy. Because reality is there is a real woman or man under that flesh.



*sigh* Yeah, it's always SOMETHING!! I'm just so over the whole thing. I'm just gonna enjoy my life as a single woman, because dammit, there has been so much abuse in my life and now that I'm free from all of it, I just want to be at peace and I am finally getting there...I'm just gonna enjoy what I have and be happy.


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## toni (Feb 2, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> Guys! GUYS! GUYS!!!!!!!!!
> 
> It happened. We had sex today! I've been trying to work with him. Telling him that trying is better than not trying at all. (He told me he "didn't want to try because he was afraid of disappointing me and making the problem worse.") Anyway, Saturday he got a boner, and I was pretty happy and I was like "if it gets hard enough do you want to have sex?" and he was like "I don't know. " and I was like "why ?" He said that he was afraid he couldn't keep hard, or something, I forget the other reason. Anyway, I started crying. Well, I started playing with him again today, and he got a boner, and we ended up doing the deed! I'm pretty stoked! Thank you all for your advice and support. I really appreciate it!
> 
> Now if we could just keep the momentum of this up I will have pretty much the perfect relationship except for the age thing (in other people's eyes), but really, age is just a number.



Awesome! Boners rock! Ride it home girl. :bow::bow::bow:


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 2, 2010)

Tooz said:


> Age thing? How old is he?




He's 52.

I would _prefer_ someone my own age. But, hey it happened and he's really the best match for me as he'd do anything for me, he has and will stick through anything with me, and supports me in every way. I really do love him so much. He really makes us partners, that have our own things to contribute to the relationship. Besides, I'd say 80% of the guys our age are out the sowing their wild oats. 10% of them are taken 5% know statistics are bullshit and the other 5% are single and ready to settle down.

And I just don't have time for that kind of BS when I have a good man right at home! I'm getting old. I want kids in a few years. It's time to start nesting yo.


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 2, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Get him hooked on your blow jobs.....he'll start asking you for sex
> 
> Seriously though.....I'm glad for you. Most importantly though.....from what you are saying/describing, it sounds like his "issue" is more about his own insecurities and not about you. So......don't take it into yourself or let any of this make you doubt your own attractiveness/desirability.
> That's always my biggest problem- not letting things that aren't really about me affect me negatively.
> ...



No basically he robbed my 19 yr old cradle when he was 44.


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 2, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> No basically he robbed my 19 yr old cradle when he was 44.



That is a big age difference, but whatever. So long as you're both ok with it it's none of anyone's business. 

As Hilary Clinton famously said, the only people who matter in a relationship are the people in it.


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## OhLaLaSoSexy (Feb 2, 2010)

Hm I believe girls are too picky BUT i believe that if you love someone you love their flaws too. Maybe girls should give guys more of a chance then automatically going down their list of what they *dont* want.

Also congrats on getting some action;] woot woot
Ive had this issue and the best thing you can do is not show your upset about it. They just get more freaked out and it makes it worse.


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## Ruffie (Feb 2, 2010)

This topic has been one I have been discussing alot with the teens I work with of late. As we grow up we are sold a bill of goods that what we see on TV, the movies and in romance novels is what we as women should expect from relationships. As Valentines approaches for many women its all about what they will get, do they have a valentine, will it be romantic and so on.

I have fallen into that trap and lamented often about the fact that my husband is not as passionate, romantic and outgoing as I would like him to be. I have set up romantic evenings only to be told I'm too tired, wanted him to accompany me to an event and had to go alone as he doesn't like to go out much, and being taken for granted at times. He has struggled a few times with job losses, and the resulting depression and issues that have threatened our marriage.
But the reality is that he has been there over our 24 years together as a friend, partner in our business and in life, raising our kids, and taking care of elderly parents. He does little things like bring me coffee in bed, compliment me on things I have done or how I am looking that day, supporting me in difficult times. Every once in a while I get some flowers, got a great ring for tenth and 15th anniversary and we go out to the movies or for dinner. What did it for me is my husband saying to me that I was his life, I have saved him many a time, and that he loves me so much he doesn't know what he would do without me. It was in a difficult time in our marriage when I was looking at leaving and calmly asked him if he wanted me to go. He broke out crying and told me all of this and more that made me see that even if he didn't express it all the time he felt it and deeply. So we worked once again to putting things back together and rebuilding our relationship.

If we focus only on the things we think we are supposed to have in a relationship, we may miss out on the things we really need. My friendship has sustained us through alot of really bad things that happened to us and our own issues in our marriage. As another poster mentioned if we look only for our type, we may mis out on someone we can love and that will love us. Only WE know what works for us and what we will and will not accept and should do what is right for us.


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 3, 2010)

Here is my reality! He kept making silly smiles then cracking jokes about them and that's why I look like I'm about to burst out laughing...because I was! He's not an FA, but that's not important to me, he likes me just the way I am, like Bridget and Mark Darcy.


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## littlefairywren (Feb 3, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> Here is my reality! He kept making silly smiles then cracking jokes about them and that's why I look like I'm about to burst out laughing...because I was! He's not an FA, but that's not important to me, he likes me just the way I am, like Bridget and Mark Darcy.



Damn hon, woo hoo!!!
Sounds like things are looking up (pun intended)  

Nice pic too btw. I am pleased for you FLW, you deserve to be happy my girl!!!


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## Famouslastwords (Feb 3, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> Damn hon, woo hoo!!!
> Sounds like things are looking up (pun intended)
> 
> Nice pic too btw. I am pleased for you FLW, you deserve to be happy my girl!!!



Don't worry! Since he's mine he's yours too! Three-for-one!


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## LoveBHMS (Feb 3, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> Here is my reality! He kept making silly smiles then cracking jokes about them and that's why I look like I'm about to burst out laughing...because I was! He's not an FA, but that's not important to me, he likes me just the way I am, like Bridget and Mark Darcy.



Awwww. What a sweet picture. Between those gorgeous felines and a man who loves you and makes you laugh, you have a really lovely family.


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## steely (Feb 4, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> No basically he robbed my 19 yr old cradle when he was 44.



25 year age difference between my late husband and myself, we were together 12 happy years. Age is just a number, it's the love that matters. I wish you much love and happiness. :wubu:


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## cinnamitch (Feb 4, 2010)

steely said:


> 25 year age difference between my late husband and myself, we were together 12 happy years. Age is just a number, it's the love that matters. I wish you much love and happiness. :wubu:



Amen, My ex was 13 years older than me, and the love of my life was 22 years older. :smitten:


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## Dmitra (Feb 4, 2010)

FLW, it really makes me happy to see things improving for you and your beloved! What Ruffie wrote above really touched me as to what a love relationship can be and that we, as a culture, are moving away from that idea of patience and friendship along with the romantic love, however little it might be openly expressed in the day-to-day.

I hope your relationship continues to bloom.


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## LovelyLiz (Feb 4, 2010)

I agree. You two are super hot. And I'm in the hood, so, you know, let me know if you ever need a third. (Kidding!!!!!!)

Seriously tho, I wish you guys lots of happiness. Glad things are going better. Woo-hoo!


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