# High # of dims people?



## Fat Molly (Aug 22, 2017)

Hey I'm looking at moving out of my current region. I hate the fucking humid heat. The snow is not as rewarding as I hoped. I miss the weather of California. 

Anddddd the people I've been dating have been immature commitmentphobes, or exhaustingly clingy and insecure. 

I'm sick of being lonely in New York City. My work is rewarding but not enough to keep me here if the people aren't enough. 

Where should I go? Where is a place you've lived that you've been happy? Where the dateable people are quality people who aren't in a state of existential crisis, and are wanting something more meaningful than an endless carousel of dating around looking for the next best thing? A place where community matters and life isn't an exhausting rat race? 

I no longer am willing to be someone's placeholder "good enough" til someone more spectacular comes along. I'm looking for someone who wants me and is willing to work on a relationship, not give up once the going gets tough or something more shiny and new comes along. I am a creative and hard working person, eccentric and sometimes a little spontaneous. All my recent partners have been like "you're a great partner, but I can't deal w commitment and you deserve better" and I'm like, ok, you apparently are both the judge of what I consider good enough for myself, as well as what is good enough for you hahaha. Thanks for the mansplain. 

I'm fucking sick of men telling me what I want, and yet unable to reassure me of what *they* want. 

Fortunately I'm queer so my options are quite open in the dating world. But I'm not having much luck with women or NB folks either, so I'm just in a pickle.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 22, 2017)

Also title of thread refers to my unasked question, where in the country is there a high concentration of dims people?


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## Fat Molly (Aug 22, 2017)

Also I'm pretty sure some people on here will be like "hey check out meeeee" in which case I invite you to reach out. But be forewarned I am not interested in an intentional gaining relationship, at least not one that isn't earnestly mutual. No skinny feeders desired.


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## Tad (Aug 22, 2017)

I don't know that the activity levels here are high enough anymore to be a very good predictor of meeting up with other fat accepting folk? (Also, the region that always struck me as having a lot going on was the Boston area, which is still going to have the damp heat in the Summer and slightly more snow. The only other area where I know of Dims members hanging out semi-regularly is Toronto, which has the weather even moreso plus immigration issues).

Given what you said about weather and people in general in NYC, I almost feel like you should look at places you'd like to move to, then figure which of them has the most fat community?

I would think that the most active size related site currently would likely be Feabie. It has its issues, but usefully for you maybe is that it does make everyone put in a location. I'd think that with some inventiveness you could figure out some areas with more people in the generally fat community?

(also: sorry that NYC has been bringing you down)

ETA: Wherever you go, people will tend to be people, so a change of scene may not mean a change of issues to deal with ...


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## Dr. Feelgood (Aug 22, 2017)

If you're looking for a permanent relationship, you need to be not only someplace where there are potential partners, but where there are potential partners who are _ready to settle down_. The problem with big cities like NYC, SF, etc. is that they are places to start a career: people come there from all over because that's where the jobs are. So you have a lot of young guys/gals who are just starting a career, trying to pay off college loans, and in no financial position to commit themselves to anyone or anything. Plus, they may still have some wild oats to sow. 
On the basis of my (admittedly limited) experience, I think your best bet would be a college town or state capital (or both, like Providence). You have a reliable employer of people who are not required to move frequently as part of their job. This means a lot of people who are planning to stay put, invest in a house, and find somebody to share it with. Plus a college furnishes cultural and athletic events that offer frequent opportunities to meet new people: something's always going on. If you like California weather, CU has campuses all over: Fullerton, Irvine, or Riverside might work for you. Good luck!


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## Tracyarts (Aug 22, 2017)

There's a bunch of us down here in Texas. Texas is a demographically "fat" state, and aside from isolated pretentious and snooty areas, I've never felt out of place due to my size. 

But Summer sucks. It hasn't been below 85 in the daytime since the early half of May and won't be again until the later half of October. 

As far as dateable people? There are players and incompatible people everywhere. Small towns, big cities, and from shore to shore. My suggestion is find a place YOU feel comfortable, with a big enough population that it's not the same bunch of singles rotating through each other in a dating cycle.


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## Tracii (Aug 22, 2017)

How about dating outside your comfort zone for a different type of person.
Most guys now have no spine and are too wishy washy and quite frankly Momma's boys.
My last long term BF was older than me ex military and and very rigid and steadfast.
Had his opinions and stuck to a plan when he did something.
I so needed that when I met him I was a wreck, not only strung out on drugs and booze but to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died.
He was my rock and drug me out of that hole I was in. Basically saved my life.
He was not one I would have even considered dating because he was 20 years older than me.
I am so thankful he was part of my life for a while.
Oh and he supported me when I told him I wanted to gain weight. No games or telling me I couldn't do it. 
He said do what makes you happy because love is the most important thing one can have.
I love you and nothing will change that he told me and every time I think about him I get all misty eyed.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 22, 2017)

Tracii said:


> How about dating outside your comfort zone for a different type of person.
> Most guys now have no spine and are too wishy washy and quite frankly Momma's boys.
> My last long term BF was older than me ex military and and very rigid and steadfast.
> Had his opinions and stuck to a plan when he did something.
> ...



Oh believe me that isn't at all my problem. Quite the opposite in fact. I've dated an extraordinary variety of people "outside my comfort zone." 

Anyway. Thanks for the thoughtful responses everyone I'll respond tomorrow - got sucked into a project tonight.


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## Tracii (Aug 23, 2017)

OK I didn't know for sure so its good to know you have tried other things.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 23, 2017)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> The problem with big cities like NYC, SF, etc. is that they are places to start a career: people come there from all over because that's where the jobs are. So you have a lot of young guys/gals who are just starting a career, trying to pay off college loans, and in no financial position to commit themselves to anyone or anything. Plus, they may still have some wild oats to sow.
> !



Yes this validates my own experience. A lot of people here are impermanent. 

That, and of the permanentish people I have dated, I have dated a few people who are experiencing "failure to launch" as well. And that doesn't concern me quite as much but it does leave me feeling like despite leaving no rock unturned I can't find someone to be with.


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## Fat Molly (Aug 23, 2017)

Tad said:


> I don't know that the activity levels here are high enough anymore to be a very good predictor of meeting up with other fat accepting folk? (Also, the region that always struck me as having a lot going on was the Boston area, which is still going to have the damp heat in the Summer and slightly more snow. The only other area where I know of Dims members hanging out semi-regularly is Toronto, which has the weather even moreso plus immigration issues).
> 
> Given what you said about weather and people in general in NYC, I almost feel like you should look at places you'd like to move to, then figure which of them has the most fat community?
> 
> ...





What are folks experiences with feabie? I have had fine experiences with it...kinda. Have met some decent folk.

But thematically I am seeing lots of people with Failure to Launch syndrome, which is endemic in my generation of course. And I don't have a problem dating someone who lives with mom! That's fine by me.

But most of these people in this situation have their own internalized self hatred for it that has proven an obstacle. Three otherwise eligible dates have been so wrapped up in their "I can't provide for myself so no I can't be dating seriously" ideas that I am at a loss for how to continue. Professionally I'm a dynamo and I care a lot about my work and I could help them find work if they were willing to go outside *their* comfort zones. I literally help people get employed for a living. But I don't push or anything, or even let it be an ongoing topic of conversation unless they bring it up. 

Those I've met from Feabie not plagued by this? Generally looking to sow their seed in a way that's incompatible with my needs.


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## Tad (Aug 23, 2017)

I'm not sure if it is still the case, but traditionally the bigger the city, the more young single women outnumbered young single men. Young men apparently being more likely to stay near home where their networks were fairly good at getting guys into jobs, while women were more apt to move to big cities for opportunities. I don't know if that has changed, but it might make the dating scene in NYC that extra bit challenging if it has not.

ETA: re: feabie, I wasn't really trying to push it as a way to meet people, more as a way to gauge where the people/community is located, geographically. i.e. if you are considering moving to Kansas City, try to see if there are any/many posters from there, what sort of vibe you get from them about fat in that area, etc. (it seems to be a very strange community. I'm sure people do meet there, as people have met at Dimensions, on fan-fic boards, and all sorts of other places around the web. But the constant cocktail party mode of discussion favours those with a lot of time on their hands, which makes for an odd community I think. Mind you my perception could be coloured by the fact that, in contrast with Dimensions posters from my city who have been quite staid generally, two of the larger drama sources on Feabie come from my city. So my local feed has been .... odd, and not generally anywhere I'd encourage anyone to try and meet someone local)


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## Jack Secret (Aug 23, 2017)

Tracii said:


> How about dating outside your comfort zone for a different type of person.
> Most guys now have no spine and are too wishy washy and quite frankly Momma's boys.
> My last long term BF was older than me ex military and and very rigid and steadfast.
> Had his opinions and stuck to a plan when he did something.
> ...




It's terrible that the relationship didn't work out for you. He sounded like a really quality guy.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 24, 2017)

Fat Molly said:


> Also title of thread refers to my unasked question, where in the country is there a high concentration of dims people?



Do they have to be exclusively dims people? Could it be an area where there are just great people to meet, befriend, and possibly date? I mean, I know I'm not the best person in this community when it comes to understanding the mindset of FA's the world over. I'm certainly learning where I fit on the spectrum between _fat shaming _and _having orgasms just looking at fat_. But I'd consider myself a fairly forward thinker, tolerant, somewhat creative, and all around an inclusive type of person. But does that make me (or anyone else in my region) a dims person. I don't know. I can't judge for someone else.

I will say that after being in the military most of my adult life and having lived in several states (and countries) I would say that the Midwest would be a great place to live in the respect that you are asking (yes, even with it's concentration of conservatives and old school thinkers). That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


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## fuelingfire (Aug 24, 2017)

I am assuming Molly just meant fat friendly.

If it’s for a partner stick with bigger cities. Just due to the larger (pun) number of people means more likely to find larger people. I have made reference to this in other thread but in larger cities, fewer people seem to stare at me when I am with a larger partner.

I love Feabie, but I am a guy. So I don’t really have the horror stories many women have. I like Feabie, because I don’t have to explain that I am attracted to fat women. If someone goes to Feabie they should have a good idea already. I think the needing to sew oats is an issue with all (online?) dating.

The downside of the Midwest is the humidity in July and August. It sucks when in the morning the temperature is 70 but the humidity is 90%, and you sweat while just walking. And I am in shape. The south has the highest rates of obesity, but politics.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 25, 2017)

Fat Molly said:


> What are folks experiences with feabie? I have had fine experiences with it...kinda. Have met some decent folk.
> 
> But thematically I am seeing lots of people with Failure to Launch syndrome, which is endemic in my generation of course. And I don't have a problem dating someone who lives with mom! That's fine by me.
> 
> ...



When you say Failure to Launch Syndrome, are you talking marriage?


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## RabbitScorpion (Aug 26, 2017)

Failure To Launch refers to young adults not leaving their parents' house and starting to live on their own. It has been prevalent in Japan and much of Europe (especially Italy) for decades, and now is increasing in the US and Canada.

It is more of a problem with young men than it is among young women, and pundits try to blame video games for Failure To Launch.

But they can't ignore that the cost of housing has skyrocketed while service industry wages have plummeted, and the fact that many service employers refuse to hire men (illegal _de jure_, but not enforced).


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## FatAndProud (Aug 26, 2017)

I have this issue, as well. I am a lab rat, and completely dedicated to my career. The men I tend to get crushes on are usually the doctors I work for/with. They have the qualities I look for - leadership, caring, and brilliant. But, we know professionalism must remain in the workplace. I am probably going to remain single. Being a lab rat, I don't have the best flirting skills...lol


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## Cynthia (Aug 27, 2017)

From what I've seen on Dimensions since the '90s, I'd say that 1) California cities, 2) NYC, and 3) Boston seem to have the most active size-acceptance networks and fat-friendly resources.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 28, 2017)

FatAndProud said:


> I have this issue, as well. I am a lab rat, and completely dedicated to my career. The men I tend to get crushes on are usually the doctors I work for/with. They have the qualities I look for - leadership, caring, and brilliant. But, we know professionalism must remain in the workplace. I am probably going to remain single. Being a lab rat, I don't have the best flirting skills...lol



I have a similar problem. I absolutely ADORE intelligent women. There seems to be an endless supply of them where I work (an immense midwestern hospital that is colocated with a university medical school). The proble is that I am not a doctor or professor. While not anybody can do the job that I do, people have the impression that I'm not that educated because of the department I work in. Granted, I'm no one's idea of handsome either but geeze am I that freakin' bad? If I wasn't such an optimist, I'd have a complex (and I don mean a mesoscale convective complex).


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## fuelingfire (Aug 28, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I have a similar problem. I absolutely ADORE intelligent women. There seems to be an endless supply of them where I work (an immense midwestern hospital that is colocated with a university medical school). The proble is that I am not a doctor or professor. While not anybody can do the job that I do, people have the impression that I'm not that educated because of the department I work in. Granted, I'm no one's idea of handsome either but geeze am I that freakin' bad? If I wasn't such an optimist, I'd have a complex (and I don mean a mesoscale convective complex).



In the medical industry, your title is HUGE! To a level that it's borderline funny, if you have a warped sense of humor. I could go massively off topic on that.


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## FatAndProud (Aug 28, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I have a similar problem. I absolutely ADORE intelligent women. There seems to be an endless supply of them where I work (an immense midwestern hospital that is colocated with a university medical school). The proble is that I am not a doctor or professor. While not anybody can do the job that I do, people have the impression that I'm not that educated because of the department I work in. Granted, I'm no one's idea of handsome either but geeze am I that freakin' bad? If I wasn't such an optimist, I'd have a complex (and I don mean a mesoscale convective complex).



I wonder if you work with/for WSU?


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## Tad (Aug 28, 2017)

Kat, I'd say that as much as possible you need to find ways to socialize that are outside of the usual workplace situation. Like, if there are social clubs there of one sort or another, one-off open lectures or seminars, etc. Basically situations where you are there as you <name> not as you<job title, department>.

And a lucky rabbits foot might not hurt, either ...


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 28, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> In the medical industry, your title is HUGE! To a level that it's borderline funny, if you have a warped sense of humor. I could go massively off topic on that.



You are correct. I was typing this whole treatise on this subject and realized it was totally off topic. But I have noticed what you are saying.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 28, 2017)

FatAndProud said:


> I wonder if you work with/for WSU?



And WSU stands for ...? I do work closely with elements of WUSM. Are we talking the same entity?


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## FatAndProud (Aug 28, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> And WSU stands for ...? I do work closely with elements of WUSM. Are we talking the same entity?



Detroit? If not, nevermind. I graduated in Detroit


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 28, 2017)

FatAndProud said:


> Detroit? If not, nevermind. I graduated in Detroit




Ahh... you are talking about Wayne State University. No, I work with Washington University Medical School. However, I was born and raised in Detroit (at least until I was 13). My family still lives there and I am a H-U_G_E Michigan Wolverines fan. (again off topic, sorry)


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## Yakatori (Aug 29, 2017)

(Re: different kinds of cities and what they might offer) But, one point otherwise left unsaid:

These kinds of relationships, _forever-partnerships_, that many of us have been so conditioned to see in some romanticized, sentimentalized treatment, do not come cheap. They require, demand, ongoing and mutual investment. Over time.

It's not, like, something anyone's just '_entitled-to_', like you can just order it on Amazon and click '_pay_'. It doesn't work like that.

Even happily married people will relate how, once even one partner stops pulling their weight, things get really challenging pretty quickly. It's not always all it's cracked up to be. You only get in proportion to what you're willing to put into it.

And so, when you hear people lament on the demographics aspect of it, it does kind of make you wonder if they actually even realize what's involved when your life is not '_all-about-you_.'

Also, to add, whatever someone presents as _'the-reason_' for ending a particular relationship; romantic, platonic, professional or otherwise; or just dialing it back, _etc_....you can't really fairly just take that at face value. Other than that, of course, for that this is just what they want for the time being. Because, as you point out, people-themselves, don't always really understand or appreciate the depth of even their own feelings, let alone have the compunction to be totally transparent about them.



Fat Molly said:


> "_...I miss the weather of California....sick of being lonely in New York City....work is rewarding but not enough to keep me here if the people aren't enough. _"



Wait, are you actually a *Californian*? Could be there's be some kind of cultural incompatibility at play here:

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4347ZE0NQM[/ame]


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 29, 2017)

Tad said:


> Kat, I'd say that as much as possible you need to find ways to socialize that are outside of the usual workplace situation. Like, if there are social clubs there of one sort or another, one-off open lectures or seminars, etc. Basically situations where you are there as you <name> not as you<job title, department>.
> 
> And a lucky rabbits foot might not hurt, either ...



I think that your advice is sound. Yet, like many of us, I aspire to something that is rarely attainable. Like FatAndProud said, she is totally into her craeer as are most academics and highly intelligent women.


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## Tad (Aug 29, 2017)

The key word there being 'most.' Fortunately you are not trying to date most woman, just one individual 

And for what it is worth, I've know a fair number of very high achieving, career driven, women who married guys who were very capable in their own way, but in very different fields. The super competitive lawyer married to a guy running a flyer deliver business, the IT manager married to a laid back engineer who liked to hop between jobs every so often for variety and who wasn't interested in climbing the corporate ladder, an engineering project manager married to a guy running a landscape business, a brilliant electronics design engineer married to a helicopter pilot, etc. 

Some people want someone very much like themselves, others prefer someone who is more complimentary, and that can mean being in a very different field or having a very different personality. Some of those husbands I've known well, some I never met, but my impression is that they were all pretty secure in who they were and what they did, which I suspect is pretty key in a relationship like that.

And sure in trying you risk rejection, but as Wayne Gretzky said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So if this is really what you want, you have to go take shots, and hope the rabbit foot comes through for you eventually


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 29, 2017)

Tad said:


> Some people want someone very much like themselves, others prefer someone who is more complimentary, and that can mean being in a very different field or having a very different personality. Some of those husbands I've known well, some I never met, but my impression is that they were all pretty secure in who they were and what they did, which I suspect is pretty key in a relationship like that.



In a way, I think you zeroed in on some of the problems I had been having. Over the years, I gained a good 30-40lbs and it seems as though with each pound gained, a little confidence was lost. I probably need to re-evaluate things from my end before I go out and try to meet people. Thanks!


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## Heavy_Cream (Sep 5, 2017)

I recommend San Diego, San Francisco, and anywhere in The Bay Area. Walnut Creek, Pleasant Hill, Concord, Martinez, etc.. Best wishes to you, I hope you find what you want.




Fat Molly said:


> Hey I'm looking at moving out of my current region. I hate the fucking humid heat. The snow is not as rewarding as I hoped. I miss the weather of California.
> 
> Anddddd the people I've been dating have been immature commitmentphobes, or exhaustingly clingy and insecure.
> 
> ...


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## c49999 (Sep 22, 2017)

I'd say Providence, RI... very culturally diverse, food and restaurants are great and its easy to navigate the city which can be sometimes rough in Boston or NY... when I travel the east coast I like RI and it seems like they are finally getting their financial act together. The state was nearly bankrupt FYI. They have an annual thing called waterfire you may want to google


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## Fat Molly (Mar 20, 2018)

Yakatori said:


> (Re: different kinds of cities and what they might offer) But, one point otherwise left unsaid:
> 
> These kinds of relationships, _forever-partnerships_, that many of us have been so conditioned to see in some romanticized, sentimentalized treatment, do not come cheap. They require, demand, ongoing and mutual investment. Over time.
> 
> ...



"They require, demand, ongoing and mutual investment. Over time." 

My frustration is that, with men I've dated, they don't want to put in that ongoing and mutual investment. To the point that I'm just basically ruling out dating men anymore. Fucking men, sure, but not dating. That's where I am right now. I'm feeling better than I was back in Aug when I posted this thread originally. I don't know why I didn't get alerts that people were posting on here.... frustrating! (also I suck at following up w online things because Busy).


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## squeezablysoft (Mar 30, 2018)

I'm wondering myself where the best place to meet Dimsy type folks irl might be. I'm in Ocala, Florida rn (hmu Florida FAs!), but will need to move somewhere else in a couple years to finish the degree I'm currently working on at our local community college. Prime candidates are Tallahassee for the in-state tuition rates at FSU and decent apartment rents compared to other Florida college towns or Hattiesburg, Mississippi for the relatively low out-of-state tuition at USM and the fact my mom wants to move to the same town I do and she has some distant relatives in the Hattiesburg area. Overall it does seem like Toronto is something of a FA hotspot but so far I've been unsuccessful in convincing my semi-tropical mom to venture that far north, though the shenanigans of our current Idiot in Chief have been helping my case, lol. But most likely I will end up somewhere in the Southeastern U.S., I have seen a few Floridians here and at Feabie, can't specifically recall any from Tallahassee though. Oddly Mississippi doesn't seem to be highly represented on these boards, considering it's the state with the highest obesity rate in the country you would think that would be FA paradise.


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## ScreamingChicken (Mar 30, 2018)

squeezablysoft said:


> Oddly Mississippi doesn't seem to be highly represented on these boards, considering it's the state with the highest obesity rate in the country you would think that would be FA paradise.



I can offer up a theory why you don't see too many fat folks or FAs from the Deep South here on these boards and it's pretty simple...politics. Lots of fat folks in the Deep South tend to run on the conservative side of the political spectrum. The right leaners I know of who found Dims either high tailed it out of here or just bit their tongues and slowly faded away while the more liberal voices dominated the boards.


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## tmur (Mar 30, 2018)

Dr Feelgood mentioned a state capitol or college town. Although I am late to this thread, let me put in a vote for my hometown of Columbus Ohio. We have both of the attributes Doc mentions, and much more.

Largest US gay community other than San Francisco
Largest US Somali community other than Minneapolis 
Lots of diversity because of college students from around the world staying for the plentiful jobs in the area
We are growing in population and (even surprising to me) constitute the 14th largest metropolitan US area
The food, local music and arts scene here is well supported by the local government and the populace
The opportunities for individuals to find like minded people is immense. Quite youthful.

Do we have a big PRO team, No. Big city crime stats, No.

I read a comment about not many conservatives left on Dims. True, but I am one. Cannot say the same about Columbus. Mayor, City Council, School Board all Democrats.


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