# Borderline Personality Disorder?



## largenlovely (Feb 7, 2013)

Has anyone been diagnosed with this? Apparently it's a doozy of a disorder to have and lucky me has it :-/ I've never been formally diagnosed with anything until recently and they gave me a laundry list of shit wrong with me. Borderline Personality Disorder, Binge Eating Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD.

Boy, I sound like a barrel of fun huh lol

I suffered some fairly severe abuse growing up and such along with a few other traumas that contributed to it all. I began working on the issues as much as possible from a young age and have a decent amount of them under control. That's relatively speaking though lol. I've started seeing a therapist and we're going to start on DBT therapy, which I read has a pretty high success rate with borderlines. That was pretty encouraging. They also added Lexapro to my pills and it has been working tremendously well for me. Woohoooooo lol. Anyway, just wanted to know if anyone else was suffering with this disorder? There's a lot of stigma attached to it and it seems that a lot of people don't want to own up to it. I can understand why...but figured maybe I could start a thread


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## CarlaSixx (Feb 7, 2013)

I've been diagnosed with it.


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## largenlovely (Feb 7, 2013)

CarlaSixx said:


> I've been diagnosed with it.



Lucky us huh? Lol...have u tried the DBT therapy?


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## Rowan (Feb 7, 2013)

I have been diagnosed with this as well. I am actually going to ask for a definition of it at my next appointment with the psychiatrist because I have yet to find a real set description of what it is supposed to be. Id like to be able to describe to someone what is wrong with me when asked..know what I mean? lol


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## largenlovely (Feb 7, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I have been diagnosed with this as well. I am actually going to ask for a definition of it at my next appointment with the psychiatrist because I have yet to find a real set description of what it is supposed to be. Id like to be able to describe to someone what is wrong with me when asked..know what I mean? lol



I think from the way I understand it that there are up to like 256 different variations of the disorder. Which is fucked up...it's hard to define.

I'm not a cutter but I used to have a lot of suicidal tendencies before anti depressants. But some people cut and self harm..others don't . Eating disorders usually go along with it. I guess it's an all purpose diagnosis lol


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## largenlovely (Feb 7, 2013)

But I've been watching some youtube videos on it tonight and I can relate to quite a bit of it


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## Rowan (Feb 7, 2013)

See...now I am a cutter. I stopped doing it for a long time thankfully, but did scratch a few times in recent months, but working hard on going back to not doing it, because my pain management doctor for my arthritis kind of implied that if i don't cut it out, he wont treat me for my arthritis....and my morphine means more to me than my cutting. SO of course im cutting (no pun intended) the cutting out har har.


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## Rowan (Feb 7, 2013)

Wikipedia does a pretty good summary of it actually:

Other symptoms of BPD include impulsive behavior, intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, unstable self-image, feelings of abandonment and an unstable sense of self. An unstable sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.[1] Borderline individuals often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and heavy disappointment or dislike. This behavior reflects a black-and-white thinking style, as well as the intensity with which borderline individuals feel emotions. Self-harm and suicidal behavior are common and may require inpatient psychiatric care.[2]


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## largenlovely (Feb 7, 2013)

I've taught myself how to manage a lot of it over the years but there are some things I'm still having a difficult time with. It's frustrating

I have learned to control angry outbursts with people I love and care about and my close friends and most of my family but I haven't been able to figure out how to control my anger if a stranger becomes aggressive with me. I would say this is one of my biggest problems

The meds have helped with my dissociation because I was doing that quite a bit too. I was zoning out ALL the time. My memory was really bad because of it. The depression was pretty severe too for a long while.

And panic attacks..those haven't been fun but the meds have gotten rid of them thank God


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## largenlovely (Feb 7, 2013)

And my binge eating is outta control but there will never be any fixing that lol

My therapist wants to work on it. I told her she was welcome to try but that I didn't foresee it doing any good. Even she said it would never go away but that she would help me manage it better.

I like binge eating *shrug* it's comfortable, I'm used to it...I don't see how you can get help for something ya don't want help with lol


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## home (Feb 7, 2013)

Well, I know some people who suffer from stuff like this. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is one thing that can really seem to help. But I am not a Doctor. But that can seem to help some people. There are other forms of Therapy, of course, it is just best to find the one that is right for you. Another thing is "Self Talk", that's where when a bad thought comes up, in your head you sort of talk to yourself and give yourself positive thoughts to beat down the bad thought. That is sort of why it is called: "Self Talk". Of course, they do have all the pills and stuff. But I believe in Therapy. Having someone you can trust to talk to is good. Not being Anti Social is good. That doesn't mean you talk to everyone about your problems. Just the friends you can really trust. Sometimes it helps to get out of the house or apartment too. You can get "Stir Crazy", and "Cabin Fever". Just going for a walk and spending some time out of the inside can really help you and your day go better. 

Later.


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## dharmabean (Feb 7, 2013)

Heh. I've only been diagnosed with situational depression. But, in research of my own, reading and three years of counseling.. I've always wondered if I had Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## danbsc29630 (Feb 8, 2013)

Probably Schizoid personality disorder. Never saw the need to get diagnosed. I have a grasp on reality so that is a plus.


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## largenlovely (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm reading a pretty interesting book. It's called, "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder" by Rachel Reiland. It's funny because when she sets up a scenario, I'm thinking of how I would react and more than a few times she would wind up doing exactly what I was thinking lol

Although I've trained myself over the years to react slower and not go with my first reaction. My first reaction has always been wrong..aaaaalways lol. There are times I will still do it on accident but I'm a lot better about it now than I used to be

I still have LOTS of problems with social interractions though lol...unless I drink, which I've been considering doing more of when I go out in public lol


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## CarlaSixx (Feb 12, 2013)

Get Me Out Of Here was a revelation in my life. It was perfectly me and it was the first time I ever felt truly emotionally and mentally part of the world. Like I was finally not fighting my own battle. I would recommend that book to anyone diagnosed with it or on the verge of the diagnosis. It meant SOSOSOSOSO much to me and I even bought my own copy that I re-read every now and again when I feel like crap and like no one understands me.


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## largenlovely (Feb 12, 2013)

I've been trying to find as much info as possible. I saw there's another book out there called "I hate you don't leave me" or something but when I was reading the synopsis for random BPD books out there, Get Me Out of Here was the one that caught my attention.

I totally understand what u mean though..I've always known something was wrong but nobody ever told me WHAT lol...so now that I got some names for some stuff I've been looking it all up. The BPD fits me perfectly as well. It has been surprising to find out stuff that other sufferers have said that sooooo applies to me too.


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## CarlaSixx (Feb 12, 2013)

Th book "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me" is also another veeeery good book. And for partners and parents, there's "stop Walking on Eggshells" which I had my mom read and it's been less tension between her and I since. It got her to understand BPD much better than just a few Internet pages or a short conversation. And gives partners and parents tips on how to properly talk to someone with BPD in many different life situations.


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## largenlovely (Feb 12, 2013)

I will probably get I Hate You Please Don't Leave Me next then since it's good

My mom is schizophrenic and I'm pretty positive she's BPD as well..and in full denial about both lol. There's no saving her but I might would get the other for my sister though. I think she has been pretty overwhelmed with the huge list of shit I rattled off when I found out all the stuff that's wrong with me.

I live with my gramma and now that I have official diagnosises with long names I think she's just praying I don't kill her in her sleep *eyeroll* God love her lol


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## largenlovely (Jun 24, 2013)

I am absolutely NOT liking my group therapist for DBT...and I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me either. 

I don't think the group therapy is helping me at all really. It's just pointing out how socially defunct I am. I feel like my social awkwardness is just painfully obvious and like I'm not getting any information on what to actually DO about it. I guess I should give it more time but she really pissed me off a couple weeks ago with how she handled my situation when I ran into my most recent ex there. And I also think she might have made a dig at my weight. Though It was so watered down that if I said anything about it, she could easily deny it and I would just look like I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

I can't drop the group therapy because then they view it as me not trying and then they would cut my visits with my regular therapist back to once a month and I just love her and feel like we've been making lots of progress.

Anyway, just wanting to vent. I'm gonna discuss it with my regular therapist when I see her Friday but I got to go see this bitch group therapist in the morning  

#notahappycamper


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## CarlaSixx (Jun 24, 2013)

I haven't been to group in around a month. Maybe more. It's been almost 3 years, and I've absolutely gotten NOTHING from it at all. But seeing as we have such an insane therapist shortage in my area, it's all I have. And if I don't go, my file gets closed with the hospital, and I go back to square one.


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## largenlovely (Jun 24, 2013)

Does it meet every week? They count us for absences and tardies even. Which is kinda hardcore. I'm supposed to do this for a year. The class is 6 months but they say in order to really let it all sink in, we gotta do the class twice. I'm wondering what exactly is supposed to sink in cuz I ain't been learning shit except to breathe in and out when we're stressed and I coulda learned that shit from a $1 DVD at the library.

If we miss more than so many days then we fail the course and have to start over. Yet she cancelled group last week and didn't even give any of us so much as a phone call. There are only 4 of us in the group.

Yeah, I hate her lol


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## largenlovely (Jul 12, 2013)

I've finally started making some improvements in group therapy. I think maybe I had put a wall up. You justify a certain behavior for so long that when someone tries to show you a different way, it can feel somewhat threatening. And I guess some of my hard headedness came into play too lol. And I can be difficult to deal with when I stonewall someone lol

Thankfully I stuck it out though  I feel like I managed to get over a major hurdle. I still got a ways to go though. I can see why they make us take this class twice.


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## lily352 (Aug 11, 2013)

I can't believe I didn't see this thread before. I was diagnosed with this years ago. I can say that it does get better. I did DBT for a little bit, but then I moved and wasn't able to after that. I had a great shrink the past 3 years who worked through the modules with me. It would have been better if I'd been in the group, I even liked the group I was in. However, it just wasn't possible at that time. Also, 3 years was a long time to go through all of that, but I've had a hard time staying connected, so it worked. 

Anyway, ask me any questions here or privately if you ever want.


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## petersmyth79 (Aug 12, 2013)

i have ptsd and depression, also have asperger's syndrome(diagnosed at age 6). i know what you mean about the stigma attached to anything to do with disorders, disabilities, syndromes, depression etc. more people than you'd think assume that i'm full of shit and that i'm simply lazy and difficult. anyone that believes me, that i am disabled almost instantly goes to the typical"mental problems" cliche` that i'm obviously stupid and slow and difficult; and so they start treating me as such. lol aren't people lovely! group therapy was a waste of time for me too, the other people in the group were like "why are you here if you're not on drugs?" i guess because i seem fine ppl assume that i am. so yeah, that's my rant(sorry to go slightly off topic). hope i have not offended or pissed anyone off(sorry if i have).


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## largenlovely (Aug 12, 2013)

lily352 said:


> I can't believe I didn't see this thread before. I was diagnosed with this years ago. I can say that it does get better. I did DBT for a little bit, but then I moved and wasn't able to after that. I had a great shrink the past 3 years who worked through the modules with me. It would have been better if I'd been in the group, I even liked the group I was in. However, it just wasn't possible at that time. Also, 3 years was a long time to go through all of that, but I've had a hard time staying connected, so it worked.
> 
> Anyway, ask me any questions here or privately if you ever want.



Thank you so much  this is the first time I have ever stuck with therapy for more than a couple months. I've been in therapy for 8 months now, which is fucking miraculous lol. I think it's because I finally got a diagnosis that made sense and I'm just tired of living this way. It has been hard facing up to some of my past behavior but it has been worth it. I've still got a ways to go but I've been making a good bit of progress. So yay for that.


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## largenlovely (Aug 12, 2013)

petersmyth79 said:


> i have ptsd and depression, also have asperger's syndrome(diagnosed at age 6). i know what you mean about the stigma attached to anything to do with disorders, disabilities, syndromes, depression etc. more people than you'd think assume that i'm full of shit and that i'm simply lazy and difficult. anyone that believes me, that i am disabled almost instantly goes to the typical"mental problems" cliche` that i'm obviously stupid and slow and difficult; and so they start treating me as such. lol aren't people lovely! group therapy was a waste of time for me too, the other people in the group were like "why are you here if you're not on drugs?" i guess because i seem fine ppl assume that i am. so yeah, that's my rant(sorry to go slightly off topic). hope i have not offended or pissed anyone off(sorry if i have).



No offense whatsoever. Group therapy seemed like a waste of time to me but I finally reached a point where I felt like it has helped. it took a while though. I had some sort of cathartic breakthrough moment lol. 

The sigma is horrible though. If I'm honest about what I'm dealing with, people run screaming for the hills. I've had people distance themselves from me because of it. Never mind that I'm trying to correct it and that borderline personality disorder can be "cured" if I stick with therapy and learn the skills that I need to learn...suddenly I'm just crazy. It's frustrating for sure because I'm really trying hard to do all the work to make this right. The PTSD, anxiety and depression will always be something I have to deal with but meds have been helping the depression and anxiety a good bit. 

I dunno, it's definitely frustrating for sure.


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## CarlaSixx (Aug 12, 2013)

This week will be two years of attending group and I still don't feel like its helped me at all. I'm debating going in this week cuz last time I was there they were expecting me to be in Toronto that day. Now that my Toronto trip was cancelled... Well... I'm not sure what to do.


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## largenlovely (Aug 12, 2013)

CarlaSixx said:


> This week will be two years of attending group and I still don't feel like its helped me at all. I'm debating going in this week cuz last time I was there they were expecting me to be in Toronto that day. Now that my Toronto trip was cancelled... Well... I'm not sure what to do.



It's such a shame they don't have a DBT group there. I think that would help. I thought I was a hopeless cause there for a while.


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## lily352 (Aug 12, 2013)

I think the DBT skills are helpful. I know this sounds dumb, but the biggest thing that helped me was being honest. Try not to get too hung up in the diagnosis of it, the name of it. Try to just focus on what you can to get through each day. I found the diary card helpful, annoying, but helpful. At least it made me aware of my feelings as opposed to just not feeling anything and then overwhelmed by every emotion.


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## largenlovely (Aug 13, 2013)

lily352 said:


> I think the DBT skills are helpful. I know this sounds dumb, but the biggest thing that helped me was being honest. Try not to get too hung up in the diagnosis of it, the name of it. Try to just focus on what you can to get through each day. I found the diary card helpful, annoying, but helpful. At least it made me aware of my feelings as opposed to just not feeling anything and then overwhelmed by every emotion.



I'm finding DBT skills helpful too. I'm slowly starting to use them here and there after them beating them into my head for months lol. I think the diary cards have shown me more how I can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes, which can prolly be confusing to some lol. It seems so volatile and I'm all over the map. I can be laughing with friends one minute, tell off some asshole in the next breath like I am ready to strangle him with an extreme intensity and then go back to laughing with my friends.

Its like I have this super mean, dominant, angry and volatile person lurking inside that can come out in a second when provoked or I feel threatened. Though I never do the initial attacking. It is always in response to someone being hateful to me but still.

Its hard to gain control of but I feel like I've been making progress. My therapist said yesterday that I've made a good bit of progress since I first started going so I'm happy with that.


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## largenlovely (Aug 22, 2013)

I've been disappointed all day. I missed 3 days of appointments because I was unable to walk when I sprained my knee. 2 of those missed were in the actual group and one was my private therapy session. I had to miss another private therapy session today because our car had broken down, though I made it to group yesterday, just barely cuz the car is so messed up.

My therapist called me this morning and said that I have to go on "vacation". This means that because I've missed 4 days, I have to stop going to my current group and can now only go see my private individual therapist once a month until the next group starts and I can rejoin. 

What sucks is that it's not like I missed 4 days in the actual group. Now I have to start completely over and we're required to take the group twice. I was over half way done with this first time *sigh*


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## CarlaSixx (Aug 22, 2013)

That really sucks! My peer support group thing never changes. Which sucks. I mean... we really don't do anything but talk about what happened to us during the week, make a goal for the next week, and check in to see if we completed our goal from the previous week, and that's it. SOOOOOO frustrating. And it's been three years of this for me. I hate it.

My group started back up two weeks ago, but I haven't attended. I could've gone at least last week, but didn't want to, because I was extremely depressed about the non-events of the day before. Now I won't be going until probably the second week of September because I don't have a way there until then. And honestly... I'm starting to really not want to go at all. It's not progressing for me. I'm getting worse, and I hate it. I want real therapy, and I am getting none  

So much for Canada having a great health care system... they can't find me a therapist at all! Two years without one is way too long.


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## largenlovely (Aug 22, 2013)

I don't blame u if it's not helping. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15 and would stop after a while cuz it wasn't helping. This is the longest I've ever stayed in therapy cuz I'm finally getting the help I need but this is a major disappointment and setback for me. I hate that ur not able to get the help u need. That truly sucks.


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## alligadeer (Aug 22, 2013)

I have to check in to this club, of the disorders. I have a plethora of them as well. Lately, they have really been wreaking havoc on my life, and anything I hold dear. It is a mix of certain manic and depressive highs and lows, anxious condition, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I am not comfortable opening up about yet. But I have been seeking out therapy, while the disorders play yo-yo with all the stuff that I do.

And it's not a fun thing. Sure, my disorder can trick me into just doing absolutely anything, so it makes me dangerous. But that's not even the half of it. Getting _to_ therapy becomes a struggle! It is long distance, and its almost like a commitment of going to the gym, where you wake up and you say, _oh, I do not want to go._ Well, for those religious amongst us: It is like church, when you feel you don't want to go, that is exactly when you need to go..

And I hear you about the group therapy. I caught the tail end of one of them, and I found myself having Oprah-like identity issues. Meaning, the lady on her show that was trying to compare addictions. (The truth is, an addiction to drugs or alcohol is no different than an addiction to power, sex, money, or material items.) I am presently battling that non-acceptance the lady had. Where you want to invent reasons to set yourself apart, when in reality you are as sick as they come. You push every single person and everything that isn't your flesh and blood away, and even then, you still want them. It is insane. 

Let us keep this thread going, because sometimes it seems like that rushed half hour, or hour at the most and usually is a half hour, with the therapist, is not helping, for when the night comes, and your triggers roll around, when they haunt you in your head, and any and everything becomes paranoia, even things that dont have anything to do with you, then paranoia breeds a need for control.. and all anyone, including those that love you deep down inside, want, is for it to stop, for an eventual happy reunion.

This has been going on for years. Now is the time to exterminate the core issues of problems, for a true and genuine happy friendship(s.)


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## lily352 (Aug 22, 2013)

Your peer support group does sound frustrating! Do you have access to the diary cards?

I know it's frustrating to not get to your group and then get "punished" for it. Don't give up on it though. It is a setback, but it will pass and then you'll go again and continue to feel better. 

What I did continuously over the past 20 some years is push away the people that care about me the most. Then I'd try to make people worry about me who couldn't really help me. It was an odd cycle. I'm happy to have moved past that point and to have more perspective now.


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## CarlaSixx (Aug 22, 2013)

What are diary cards?



I'm almost a master at manipulating people. And when I can't (and I don't notice that's what I'm doing), I tend to "test" people. When I feel hurt by someone or something, I get into this mode of "testing" everyone around me. Including my dog. I know it's unhealthy, but I don't realize it or think about it until that phase has passed.


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## largenlovely (Aug 22, 2013)

Diary cards are little sheets that list every day of the week and u give a summary of ur day and whether out not u acted out and how and if u tried to implement any if ur skills to keep u from acting out.

A lot of my behavior was tons worse before my anti depressants. I would alternate between zoning out and not being aware of anything to being hyper aware and even paying attention to the smallest details such as which words a person used in order to gauge how they felt about me...and of course, I always assumed everyone didn't like me. Self fulfilling prophecy. I still feel that way a lot of times but I'm getting better. 

Then there's crazy Melissa but I grew up in a fighting household and fighting was rampant in the schools too. I've been raised in violence, so it's hard to reprogram. I've had to wrestle a gun out of my mothers hands, I pulled a butcher knife on a guy once for hitting me, I've had to take a baseball bat to two guys once who jumped my brother. Shit is real down here, and violent. So I've had to learn to be violent back.

It's difficult when u have been raised in an environment where u have to be that way to protect yourself. You become hard and insecure. It's like everyone is out to hurt you or use you and u have to figure out which one is their angle. It's hard finding the balance between what is healthy and what is considered crazy. It's tough.

ETA: especially when other people are acting crazy and u have to respond to that crazy with equal amounts of crazy lol....the lines blur.


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## lily352 (Aug 23, 2013)

That does sound like a difficult environment, to say the least!
I hope that you're living somewhere a little more tranquil now?


Here's a link to a diary card:

http://dbtselfhelp.com/html/diary_card_1.html

I think there are other versions, but that's the one I found the quickest.


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## largenlovely (Aug 25, 2013)

lily352 said:


> That does sound like a difficult environment, to say the least!
> I hope that you're living somewhere a little more tranquil



it's better since I isolate myself more but I'm hoping to learn enough skills to live in my environment without having to feel forced to be just as crazy as everyone else


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## largenlovely (Aug 26, 2013)

I hate when I watch something where someone has done this horrible atrocious thing and then they throw a borderline personality disorder label on them. I hate being lumped in with those people.

Sure, I may have the potential to do some terrible things but only if I'm physically threatened or am attacked. I don't go out looking for shit. 

I'm watching some show on stalkers and some woman on here was said to have borderline personality disorder. I've never, and would never, stalk a man. I have too much pride. they've given a few women this diagnosis who have been in the news. It's depressing being lumped into that.


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## lily352 (Aug 27, 2013)

I know exactly what you mean! I love watching true crime shows, but lots of the women on there get that label after they've killed someone or stalked a guy or something. 

Just remember to not let your diagnosis define you. You have the diagnosis and now you have a way to treat it, work on it, etc. 

I would not however introduce myself to everyone you meet from now on as having it. I have a close friend who really understands what it means for me to have it, and how I cope with certain things. Most people, I never say a word about it.


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## largenlovely (Aug 27, 2013)

I've been pretty open about it and have been sharing my experience going through therapy. I have found when I'm open about stuff, it gives other people the courage to feel better about becoming more comfortable with their own issues too. I've had a lot of friends come to me and open up about their issues.

I'm not gonna let it define me but I do worry others will define me by it even though I'm very open about which particular issues at mine. I think people always assume you're still hiding something even worse. Nope, I'm very open about my bad shit lol.


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## lily352 (Aug 28, 2013)

I didn't mean to not be open. blah. It's great that you're open!


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## largenlovely (Aug 29, 2013)

lily352 said:


> I didn't mean to not be open. blah. It's great that you're open!



Lol I didn't take offense  I was just s' Plaining why I was so open about it but ur right, being open does make it feel like the judgments about it are more harsh


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## FAinPA (Apr 23, 2017)

This is like a four year bump, but I was searching for an old post of mine on manic depression (bipolar) I made five years ago and just can't find it even searching just my posts. Oh well.
When I was starting to get a full psych eval and even brain scans and all in 2009, Borderline and a lot of others you mentioned Melissa came up. So I started educating myself. I read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me (of course) and DBT ultimately has helped me most. I started learning skills in an IOP after a hospitalization in late 2014- early 2015. I relate to a lot of things said here and started out in mental health journey with a lot of the same issues like abuse. Borderline was ruled out for me but I know about it. Gotta finish on topic (hehe)


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## Tracii (Apr 23, 2017)

My Dr suggested Over eaters anonymous because I do suffer from that at times.
I went to a few meetings and saw nothing of value there at all.
I don't like being talked down to like a 12 year old.
Good luck with your therapist Largenlovely.


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