# You're too small.



## Weeze (Jul 23, 2009)

So, I know we have the "in-betweenies unite" thread, but bear with me. I'm talking about guys and the relationship between them and our bodies. Have you ever been told you're too small by a guy? And I'm addressing this to *all* fat women reading this. I've said it SO many times on here, but I am SO sick of feeling like I'm too small for people on here but then I'm "too big" for the real world. And I feel terrible because there are girls on here bigger than me who I KNOW are feeling the same way. 
My question is... Is there anything we can do about it? I understand that guys can't help it, you're attracted to whatever you're attracted to, blah blah blah. But what am I supposed to do? 
I guess what I'm asking is... how do we deal? How do you deal with feeling like you need to change your body and potentially make your life more difficult just to please someone?


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## Ruffie (Jul 23, 2009)

Yes been told I am too big and too small. But I will be damned if I am going to change myself, my life, or my health just to please someone. I loved the line I heard once. Men are like buses, another one will be along soon!


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## exile in thighville (Jul 23, 2009)

i grew my beard out to please my girlfriend


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## steely (Jul 23, 2009)

I'm sorry you feel that way, I've never been told I was too small. Often told I was too big. I've come to understand here at Dims that smaller BBW and bigger BBW go through some of the same trials and tribulations. I am keeping a more open mind when I see women who are smaller than I am. It's a start.

Saying that, I can't change who I am just to please a man or anyone else. I won't compromise myself.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 23, 2009)

something i'm curious about: when you're turned down by someone, ladies, are they telling you outfront, "you're too small," or are you asking why you're being turned down? i don't doubt plenty of cases of both, i'm just curious to personal accounts. some people are gluttons for punishment.


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## littlefairywren (Jul 23, 2009)

krismiss said:


> So, I know we have the "in-betweenies unite" thread, but bear with me. I'm talking about guys and the relationship between them and our bodies. Have you ever been told you're too small by a guy? And I'm addressing this to *all* fat women reading this. I've said it SO many times on here, but I am SO sick of feeling like I'm too small for people on here but then I'm "too big" for the real world. And I feel terrible because there are girls on here bigger than me who I KNOW are feeling the same way.
> My question is... Is there anything we can do about it? I understand that guys can't help it, you're attracted to whatever you're attracted to, blah blah blah. But what am I supposed to do?
> I guess what I'm asking is... how do we deal? How do you deal with feeling like you need to change your body and potentially make your life more difficult just to please someone?



I know exactly how you feel, and it can be so damn frustrating! I have been told I am too small by guys who basically wont give me the time of day because I have the wrong sized hips It sometimes makes me feel like there is no spot for me in this size obsessed society. Can't win either way!!


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## Fascinita (Jul 23, 2009)

krismiss said:


> how do we deal?



I find my center--that core that's about "what I know to be true in the world"--and check in with myself: Would I go around actively telling people they're not this- or that- enough for me? If I did, would it mean that I was a self-important windbag (the answer is "yes" here)? Would I require people to change their bodies drastically for my pleasure and/or say things that made them feel terrible about themselves? Would I dream of presenting my preference as anything other than what I prefer, or pretend that what I preferred made someone "substandard"?

No. And I can't take the opinions of those who would seriously.

Eventually, you'll get better at keeping those kinds of comments from invading your thinking and feelings. Practice makes perferct. Know that you're a good person and find your place in the world and keep on keeping on. It gets better. :happy:


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## olwen (Jul 23, 2009)

I've been told outright, I'm too small by some FAs, and I've been told outright I'm too big by non-FAs I've been interested in. I've also been told, I'm not the right race - not white, not japanese, not indian. I find it laughable sometimes. It used to piss me off, now I just don't care at all. There's no way in hell I'm gonna change my size for anybody. I realized those comments weren't about me, they were about the other person's hangups, so no reason to take it personally. 

I know hearing those kinds of comments can make you feel like your options are limited, and being fat, well they are, but that doesn't mean finding a mate is impossible. Just takes a little longer. That's something I've come to accept. The older I get the less it bothers me tho. I'd much rather be single than deal with bullshit from guys who are not open minded. It's also worth it to me to wait for someone who wants and likes my body as is rather than despite how it is. 

It's just a waste of energy to worry about this kind of personal stuff you have no control over.


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## Fascinita (Jul 23, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> some people are gluttons for punishment.



You know... If I went to the protected FA Forum and blurted out the line above, word for word, in response to someone expressing a frustration that comes parcel with being an FA, I'm pretty sure I'd be slapped out of the thread faster than Oprah can say "weight loss."

Your interest is appreciated. But, mmm, can we keep it BBW-centered _without_ intimations that anyone is "asking" for what they get? 

Thanks.


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## Weeze (Jul 23, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> something i'm curious about: when you're turned down by someone, ladies, are they telling you outfront, "you're too small," or are you asking why you're being turned down? i don't doubt plenty of cases of both, i'm just curious to personal accounts. some people are gluttons for punishment.



I've dealt with both, actually. Sometimes it's even just implied and you don't get to even have to deal with rejection because you're not given the time of day off the bat.

I've also actually had people tell me that I need to gain weight to be "cuter", totally unprovoked.


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## bigsexy920 (Jul 23, 2009)

O've been told that Im too small and ive been told im too big. Guess it depends on who is looking.


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## mossystate (Jul 23, 2009)

Kris, I know that it can make it tough, if you are attracted to the man doing the tsk-tsking. When you do the more ' you ' centered thinking, you won't feel the sting as much, if at all. You will view it as someone who is simply lacking in the tact department. It has nothing to do with compromise, no matter what anybody says. I bet if it is a man where your interest in him is not there, your self worth does not take a hit. Try and remember how that felt, if you find yourself angry with someone who does turn your head. Should feel the same with either camp...or at least strive for that.


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## mossystate (Jul 23, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> You know... If I went to the protected FA Forum and blurted out the line above, word for word, in response to someone expressing a frustration that comes parcel with being an FA, I'm pretty sure I'd be slapped out of the thread faster than Oprah can say "weight loss."
> 
> Your interest is appreciated. But, mmm, can we keep it BBW-centered _without_ intimations that anyone is "asking" for what they get?
> 
> Thanks.



I thought everybody understood the reasons for this forum.


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## ABellyGirl (Jul 24, 2009)

*being a newbie* I figure that if you can shop at Lane Bryant, you are probably a BBW. 

A Lane Bryant size 14 can still be BBW on a 4'11 woman. In the end it is all about height AND weight. Many SSBW looking women are tiny in height while people like me at the same weight are BBW but all stretched out even at a size 28. 

I suppose people want this to be place where there is a definition between one who "feels" fat, who may think they look fat, but is average verses those women who are bonafide size and height BBWs and dealing with issues related to being BBW. Tell me if I am wrong .


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## SocialbFly (Jul 24, 2009)

everyone is judged by how they look...we are not that unique to it...

nose too big, too small
dick too big, too small
head too big, too small
body too big, too small
boobs too big, too small
too short, too tall
not enough hair, too much hair....

we all let it effect us, screw that ladies and gents, we are what we are...the sooner we accept that we are not perfect and go on with our lives, we will all be much happier, and yes, i am fully (or should i say fattily) aware that this is not an easy task...but one that should be undertaken at our earliest convenience...


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## olwen (Jul 24, 2009)

For now Dan's posts in this thread (and the replies to his post) will stand as an example of legitimate questions that are germane to the thread gone slightly awry. 

As a reminder to non-bbw members who post to this board, your posts are welcome, but please take care to word your questions/comments in a way that will not offend or disrupt threads. 

/mod


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## kayrae (Jul 24, 2009)

I might feel like I'm too small sometimes, but no one that I'm interested in has outright told me so. It has come up jokingly and perhaps I've allowed myself to feel a little stung by it. But to be fair, ever since I started my tall thread, men have commented that I might think they're too short. Depends on one's perspective, I guess.

As for pleasing someone else, well... I'm usually made to feel that I'm too fat. I've yet to meet an FA that was interested in me anyway. I get more attention from non-FAs.


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## SocialbFly (Jul 24, 2009)

kayrae said:


> I might feel like I'm too small sometimes, but no one that I'm interested in has outright told me so. It has come up jokingly and perhaps I've allowed myself to feel a little stung by it. But to be fair, ever since I started my tall thread, men have commented that I might think they're too short. Depends on one's perspective, I guess.
> 
> As for pleasing someone else, well... I'm usually made to feel that I'm too fat. I've yet to meet an FA that was interested in me anyway. I get more attention from non-FAs.



girl, if i was a gay woman, you would be mine, of course i have to admit there are other girly crushes in the running too, lol. hugs


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## Tau (Jul 24, 2009)

You're never, ever going to be everybody's cup of tea so seriously, don't let it worry you. And you can't change the way you look for somebody else. If you don't like it, change it - if somebody else doesn't - well that's their problem and they can just stop looking.


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## PunkPeach (Jul 24, 2009)

I have in fact been told I was too small, which cracked me up, as I don't think I am. In general, I just laugh it off. In terms of attraction and relationships, honestly, I won't change my body intentionally for anyone (have had exes who baked more, and as a result of my complete cake addiction, I gained weight.) I think who ever you are with should accept and love you for who you are, if they come in trying to change this and that, then they are most definitely not who you should spend time with. We are people, not projects.


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## tinkerbell (Jul 24, 2009)

Tau said:


> You're never, ever going to be everybody's cup of tea so seriously, don't let it worry you. And you can't change the way you look for somebody else. If you don't like it, change it - if somebody else doesn't - well that's their problem and they can just stop looking.




My thoughts exactly.


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## mergirl (Jul 24, 2009)

mossystate said:


> Kris, I know that it can make it tough, if you are attracted to the man doing the tsk-tsking. When you do the more ' you ' centered thinking, you won't feel the sting as much, if at all. You will view it as someone who is simply lacking in the tact department.



This. People will always have their own preferences, some are just really insensitive and share them in a way that could upset you. I remember there was a girl a while ago that asked me out a few times and i was pretty polite and said that i would prefer it if we were friends. She pushed me to tell her why it couldn't go further until i said "Well you're just not my type". 
It was pretty excrutiating really but i guess no different from a guy asking me out and me telling him he was not my type. In saying this what would be the point telling someone what they could do to BE your type. Its rediculous arogance really. I agree with fascinita, ask yourself if you would say the kind of things that that particular person was saying to you. If not, then realise they are dicks and move on. 
If this has happened a LOT then maby there is some sort of problem, that perhaps could be sorted out with some tough Fa love! lol

Erm, there is some weird guy who Pm's me on yahoo(i forgot i put my yahoo addy on here) and the first thing he says is "Hey Babe, how's my supersized princess doing today"??!! 
whoat?
Firstly.. "Babe"?? secondly.. well everything..
I told him i wasn't supersized and i had a girlfriend and if he had read my posts he might have known that..
Anyway he pops up now and then(i need to learn how to block) asking if i have gained weight yet..and saying stuff like "you are hot but you would be hotter if you were xx bigger"
When i have time i do chatter to people, providing they are not morons.. but those people who base so much on size and talk to you like you are paid to chatter about porn..*poof* (by which i mean gone..when i work out how).
I wonder if guys who talk to women like this -Cutting the small talk, telling them they would look better if they gained weight etc actually get any women talking to them??


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## Tracyarts (Jul 24, 2009)

" Erm, there is some weird guy who Pm's me on yahoo(i forgot i put my yahoo addy on here) and the first thing he says is "Hey Babe, how's my supersized princess doing today"??!! "

I think I have dealt with him too. Or at least somebody very much like him. The one I was dealing with would message me all the time and ask if I had gained weight and when I said no, would get pouty and and say that was too bad that I could be so pretty if I would just gain some weight.

You know... I have also been told that I could be so pretty if I would just lose some weight. 

Same shit, different day, different asshole spewing it.

Oh yeah... He'd also want to know what I had eaten for breakfast, lunch, supper, etc... and then say it wasn't "enough" or wasn't fattening enough. ROFLMAO! 

And the "babe" thing icked me out. I'm not his "babe". I'm not even his friend. 

I blocked him when it got to the point where it made me literally cringe when he messaged me. 

Tracy


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 24, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> i grew my beard out to please my girlfriend



growing a beard out to please a girlfriend is a little easier to do, and much easier to change back than losing or gaining weight is.

Nothing wrong with wanting to do something to your physical appearance to please your partner though. I've dyed my hair certain colors, and have asked my guy to let the gray show in his goatee.


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## mergirl (Jul 24, 2009)

Tracyarts said:


> " Erm, there is some weird guy who Pm's me on yahoo(i forgot i put my yahoo addy on here) and the first thing he says is "Hey Babe, how's my supersized princess doing today"??!! "
> 
> I think I have dealt with him too. Or at least somebody very much like him. The one I was dealing with would message me all the time and ask if I had gained weight and when I said no, would get pouty and and say that was too bad that I could be so pretty if I would just gain some weight.
> 
> ...





Yes..he really makes me cringe. I just don't answer him at all. *Shudder*
I'm guessing he has the same shtick for us all and thinks that calling us "Babe" and "Supersized Princess" will hypnotise us into a state of uncontrollable lust for him... 
I feel sliiiiiightly sorry for him.. like on one hand i feel like trying to teach him how to not be a complete tool, like in some shitty teen movie.. on the other hand i think the best lessons are learned for yourself and besides i'm sure no matter what anyone says to him he will think he is acting like a stud muffin!


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 24, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> You know... If I went to the protected FA Forum and blurted out the line above, word for word, in response to someone expressing a frustration that comes parcel with being an FA, I'm pretty sure I'd be slapped out of the thread faster than Oprah can say "weight loss."
> 
> Your interest is appreciated. But, mmm, can we keep it BBW-centered _without_ intimations that anyone is "asking" for what they get?
> 
> Thanks.



I didn't take what he was saying that way. 

Too often when people are rejected they want to know why, when really that shouldn't even be a question. If you like someone, but they don't like you back you really don't have the right to ask them to justify why they don't like you back the way you liked them. 

The "why" is always going to seem negative to the person getting turned down. Doesn't matter if its because she/he is too fat, short, tall, skinny, blonde, small ass, big tits. The why is always gonna suck so why ask why?


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## pjbbwlvr (Jul 24, 2009)

As a man I've been told I'm too small by many big beautiful women, too many! And now that I'm in my fifties I'm told I'm too small and too old too, LOL! 

But that's the way life is in America, as Americans give too much attention to what people look on the outside. Life in Europe is not as judgmental as the USA. Europeans are much more liberal in their thinking and while I lived there and my size was never an issue with the ladies.

But I feel the times they are a changing!!!


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## James (Jul 24, 2009)

olwen said:


> For now Dan's posts in this thread (and the replies to his post) will stand as an example of legitimate questions that are germane to the thread gone slightly awry.
> 
> As a reminder to non-bbw members who post to this board, your posts are welcome, but please take care to word your questions/comments in a way that will not offend or disrupt threads.
> 
> /mod



And just to back this up, if a non-fa were to make a similar post that made a bad comparison to an FA issue in the FA forum, the 'protected' nature of that board would disallow it too.


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## mossystate (Jul 24, 2009)

James, have any of the moderators from this board gone to the fa forum, if you have ever had to wrangle a thread back onto its track, to let non-bbw ' offenders ' know that they best keep their noses clean, if they venture over here? If not, I find your post to be a bit childish...like a warning, just because a mod here felt a need to do her job.


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## James (Jul 24, 2009)

mossystate said:


> James, have any of the moderators from this board gone to the fa forum, if you have ever had to wrangle a thread back onto its track, to let non-bbw ' offenders ' know that they best keep their noses clean, if they venture over here? If not, I find your post to be a bit childish...like a warning, just because a mod here felt a need to do her job.



I posted at the request of one of the moderators of this board. I was not aware of the thread's existence until she PM'd me to ask me to take a look and give my opinion.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 24, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> You know... If I went to the protected FA Forum and blurted out the line above, word for word, in response to someone expressing a frustration that comes parcel with being an FA, I'm pretty sure I'd be slapped out of the thread faster than Oprah can say "weight loss."
> 
> Your interest is appreciated. But, mmm, can we keep it BBW-centered _without_ intimations that anyone is "asking" for what they get?
> 
> Thanks.



how would this lousy interpretation even be possible

MAN THAT NOT-FAT-ENOUGH BITTY

SHE WAS JUST _ASKING_ TO GET REJECTED


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## exile in thighville (Jul 24, 2009)

for the record i don't condone moderation on the fa forum either, i.e. if someone has something nasty to reply to me, i fully condone saying it and having (spiky) discourse

not playing the game where we shake up one another until someone gets so mad they break a rule and the other runs and hides between a mod's legs

in the real world when someone says something stupid and you're not employed by them you tell them to get fucked

moderated forums are delusional


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## mossystate (Jul 24, 2009)

James said:


> I posted at the request of one of the moderators of this board. I was not aware of the thread's existence until she PM'd me to ask me to take a look and give my opinion.



Ah..ok. So I can only hope that a mod from this board will go to the fa forum, and find a message from you or Observer, about how certain things are not allowed, and post this same message.


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## Tina (Jul 24, 2009)

Since I'm not the mod who asked, I don't know, but I'm guessing James might have posted that to show that there is parity on both boards, and us admins try to make sure there is that kind of parity. 

An earlier post I responded to here, where something was posted that isn't really allowed, I mentioned that the same thing wouldn't be allowed on the FA/FFA board. Because both boards are basically two sides of the same coin, I think James was just wanting to reassure people that there wouldn't be inequity and that the same thing wouldn't be allowed there. Just guessing, though since this is a discussion several of us have had.


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## mossystate (Jul 24, 2009)

I just found it to be more of a ' warning '...one that does not seem to have been given, by a mod from this forum, over on the fa forum. Parity would suggest that one of you three ladies should probably make a deposit...over there. Posting about things like this ONLY on the bbw forum ( at least having mods from other boards doing it )...well, to tell you the truth, that rubs me a wee bit the wrong way. If fa's are posting on ' their ' board, then they would hopefully be seeing the reassuring messages.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 24, 2009)

let it go fascinita misread my post anyway

it would be one of the 10% that isn't antagonistic or about how no one's posting their movie list


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## Fascinita (Jul 25, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> I didn't take what he was saying that way.
> 
> Too often when people are rejected they want to know why, when really that shouldn't even be a question. If you like someone, but they don't like you back you really don't have the right to ask them to justify why they don't like you back the way you liked them.
> 
> The "why" is always going to seem negative to the person getting turned down. Doesn't matter if its because she/he is too fat, short, tall, skinny, blonde, small ass, big tits. The why is always gonna suck so why ask why?



What?


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 25, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> What?


Originally Posted by 


Fascinita said:


> Fascinita
> You know... If I went to the protected FA Forum and blurted out the line above, word for word, in response to someone expressing a frustration that comes parcel with being an FA, I'm pretty sure I'd be slapped out of the thread faster than Oprah can say "weight loss."
> 
> Your interest is appreciated. But, mmm, can we keep it BBW-centered without intimations that anyone is "asking" for what they get?
> ...




I don't agree that he was suggesting someone was getting what they asked for.

It seemed to me like he was asking a very honest question. How did the person know they were being turned down for being too small? Did they ask?

If they asked, then why did they ask? Its no one's right to make someone else justify their reason for rejecting them. Its never a good reason, no one ever rejects someone because they are just too perfect. There's always something that's seen as a flaw, otherwise why reject them?


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## Fascinita (Jul 25, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Originally Posted by
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well, the problem I had with his post was that he said "some people are gluttons for punishment." That seemed to suggest that if the OP was being told she was too small, it was because she sought (was a glutton for) that "punishment." I have no idea what else he was thinking or intending to say. My problem was with the one idea he expressed that perhaps the OP enjoyed the "punishment" she was receiving. See, this forum is supposed to be protected from negativity aimed at BBWs--i.e., people suggesting to BBWs that perhaps they are eager to be treated poorly, suggestions which can work to silence the expression of authentic BBW experiences.


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## Fascinita (Jul 25, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> let it go fascinita misread my post anyway



From where I'm standing, you "miswrote."


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## exile in thighville (Jul 25, 2009)

the state made me do it


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## exile in thighville (Jul 25, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Well, the problem I had with his post was that he said "some people are gluttons for punishment."



gluttons for punishment:

people who ask why you're rejecting them
dims boarders
decemberists fans


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 25, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Well, the problem I had with his post was that he said "some people are gluttons for punishment." That seemed to suggest that if the OP was being told she was too small, it was because she sought (was a glutton for) that "punishment." I have no idea what else he was thinking or intending to say. My problem was with the one idea he expressed that perhaps the OP enjoyed the "punishment" she was receiving. See, this forum is supposed to be protected from negativity aimed at BBWs--i.e., people suggesting to BBWs that perhaps they are eager to be treated poorly, suggestions which can work to silence the expression of authentic BBW experiences.




Maybe, just maybe, you read into what he wrote? Maybe I did. Who knows.
That's the problem with words, they can be taken all kinds of ways. This situation is one of the reasons is was resistant to the idea of having a bbw board. 

I think we should have had a private health board or something like that. What we have now is a board where people seem to be getting shhhhhh'ed all over the place. Eventually people are just going to stop trying.


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## suebeehoney (Jul 25, 2009)

Not to interrupt, but just answering the original question...

Nope, I've never been told I'm too small. But then again, I've actually never met, talked to, or been out with an FA.

Now back to your previously scheduled programming...


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## Fascinita (Jul 25, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Maybe, just maybe, you read into what he wrote? Maybe I did. Who knows.



It's possible I read his post wrong. Your point is taken. I went back and re-read and see how there's a way of reading what he wrote that isn't necessarily negative. :bow:

I do think it's worth it to ask people to be careful not to send potentially negative messages to BBW who post here. Most importantly, I think the focus of this forum should remain on the experiences of fat women, and that those who are not fat women need to understand that it may be counter-productive to interject with their own experiences.

It's a new forum, and it's protected--that is a concept that's a little different from what applies to the rest of the board. So I think we're all trying to find good ways to define the dynamic here. And I think we can all work toward that. Thanks.


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## debz-aka (Jul 27, 2009)

Tau said:


> You're never, ever going to be everybody's cup of tea so seriously, don't let it worry you. And you can't change the way you look for somebody else. If you don't like it, change it - if somebody else doesn't - well that's their problem and they can just stop looking.



This quote here, I'm going to chant it to myself till my brain and heart listen. I have been told that I'm too small, and I've been told that I'm too fat. I know what weight is comfortable to me, so that should be good enough, right? However, I still let both comments hurt me at times; still seeking that approval and unconditional love I didn't get as a child. Enough already: if I feel healthy and attractive that's all that matters. You don't like it...go fuck yourself! (Another thing I need to chant till I actually believe).


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## Brenda (Jul 27, 2009)

When I first ventured into the size acceptance (ha!) world I was told on a number of occasions if I were fatter I would be more attractive to a man. Somehow this felt shittier than being told I was too fat by a non fa. I guess because I felt that if I was not attractive enough in fat circles I was more or less doomed to a life devoid of romantic love. 

At some point you realize you don't need to be attractive to all men, just one that you want to be with and it stops mattering. 

Brenda


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## troubadours (Jul 27, 2009)

any guy who tells a girl she's too small is a real douche. i bet he would get in a real tizzy if a girl insinuated the same about him. amirite

"At some point you realize you don't need to be attractive to all men, just one that you want to be with and it stops mattering."

that is also too true.


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## olwen (Jul 27, 2009)

I think maybe we have to keep reminding ourselves that our relationship with our bodies matters more than other people's relationship to it. No matter what a woman looks like there will always be someone somewhere who has a problem with her body: too fat, too thin, too athletic, too masculine, too feminine, too tall, too short, too whatever whatever ad nauseum. Sometimes drowning out the noise is the only way to cope.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Jul 28, 2009)

Some times that is hard to do Olwen..We all want to be attractive to others and when you have random people telling you that you aren't blah blah blah it bothers you..I really do not think it is just a female problem...I think some men suffer the same way,they just do not discuss it as much as women do..You know a woman telling a man he is not worthy because he is to short,to tall,to skinny,to fat,to bald,to much hair and on and on and on has to hurt him just as much..

No matter how much body love you have for yourself hearing someone else tell you how hot you look and how much they admire your body helps,it's an ego booster..I know it seems shallow but we all have the need to be desired for our bodies and our minds..Nothing better then a person saying damn you look so good to make you feel good...JMO anyways..

I agree 100% that we are not some people's cup of tea and that there is someone out there that will find us attractive..Some times you got to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince..


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## KHayes666 (Jul 28, 2009)

Here's a point of view from a guy's perspective.

While I would admit that a lot of girls I'm attracted to would, in fact, look good with more weight on them...it would be very wrong of me to say and or demand it.

I go for a girls personality before I go for looks, and if she's a sweetheart to me, my friends, and my family...then I get more closer to her.

I'm an encourager, but I know when to turn it off and recognize when its not appropriate, and judging by what MerGirl says, there are guys out there who don't know when to turn it off.

For example a friend of mine who was 330 pounds with a child when we first met, recently had another baby and had ballooned to 400 pounds. She was practically in tears because she told me she's too big to run and chase after them, she has permanent back pain brought on by the pregnancy along with being overweight and is afraid to go out because she doesn't want to be ridiculed. This is NOT enjoyable and I would never EVER encourage her to gain weight if it was physically and mentally hurting her like this. While I do admit she's very attractive at 400 pounds, she's much healthier and happier in the low 300's and that's where I'd like her to be. Now this guy Mergirl is talking about sounds like he would completely ignore all the painful aspects my friend mentioned and go all out saying how sexy she looked at 400 pounds and couldn't wait for her to get even fatter. Its too bad that guys like that don't have the social skills to turn off the "feeder factor" and just talk normally.

Now also keep in mind a lot of the women on the paysite board flaunt their size and you'll find dozen of site preview's saying "look how fat i've gotten" and some very directly say "I'm too small, i need to gain weight" though I can't find the specific one. A lot of F/A's can get confused and think that other women feel like this and they have the right to say "You're too small, get bigger!"

I think I may have said "you need to get bigger" once, and that was when I was 18 and was playing along with someone I was chatting with. So to all the women that feel hurt when someone says they are too small, the only thing I can say is not all of us feel that way. There are guys who like you just the way you are.


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## Your Plump Princess (Jul 28, 2009)

I've been told by a few men that I'm too small. Or This one 'Your prety, but you'd look so much hotter if you gained _____ pounds ' 

It's like 'Excuse me? ' Cause I'm used to hearing "oh your okay, but if you dropped [insert ungodly amount of weight here] You'd be smokin! " or some such bull. 

And Wow! I _Also_ have some creepoid on Yahoo who IM's me a lot calling me 'babe' and 'his princess'. 


How do I deal?
I Get Mad at Men[cause usually their the ones saying it to me.] and Society's 'standards' for today.
Probably not the healthiest option, but, it works for me.
...Or I not-so-nicely chew them up. It all depends on the day and my mood.
[This is also where my comfort eating comes in. ]

I Just sort of find it disrespectful to hear things like that.
I don't go around saying things like "Oh you're average but if you grew ____ inches you'd be great" or something, just cause it's my preference. .. 

[/Rantering.]


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## mergirl (Jul 28, 2009)

Your Plump Princess said:


> And Wow! I _Also_ have some creepoid on Yahoo who IM's me a lot calling me 'babe' and 'his princess'.



boo hoo!! I can't believe i was not his only Babe and supersized princess!! I feel so un-special! 
Hey, at least you have 'princess' in your name!! :happy:


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## crayola box (Jul 28, 2009)

WARNING: I haven't fully organized my thoughts on this one so read at your own risk, rambling ahead!

hmm, for the most part what always strikes me as such a slap in the face about the "you're too small thing" is the timing. I cannot think of any guy that I know (though I have no doubt they exist in droves) who would tell a girl on a first date that she needs to lose weight, just like I can't imagine a guy would say to a girl " I think you're cute and all but for next Friday, could you possibly go blonde?" It seems like in this day and age its common knowledge that these are not things you say to a woman on a first date (or ever) just like a respectable woman doesn't go on a date and say " this was fun, but give me a call when you get promoted to VP". And yet I have, multiple times, encountered men who feel free to tell me upon only knowing me for like ten minutes, that I would be so much hotter if i gained X amount of pounds. (which btw aside from being insulting is as creepy as asking someone their bra size ten minutes into a date)

I guess where I am so shocked and insulted is not that they want me to change (yes thats a bummer but usually I havent yet invested anything in them at that point, so no big deal), but rather that they say it so immediately and enthusiastically as if I am supposed to be not only flattered by the sentiment, but grateful that they feel that way. And what annoys me even more is the men who say it so innocently and underhandedly so that it hits you like a backhanded compliment. For example "you know I just want you to know I dont care how much you weigh, you can never be too fat for me" (obviously this phrase takes on a whole diff. context if its in response to the classic "do I look fat in this" landmine), making it sound like they are doing you a favor and trying to make you happy when what they really mean is "I want you to be much bigger than you are now, but instead of admitting this is what I want, I am pretending its all about you and your feelings". I mean come on, what woman wants to hear yeah you are ok now but I will like you better later on after you change. And what further burns me up in this situation is when you call them out on it and they are truly shocked at your reaction, after all they have just given you license to eat everything in sight, why aren't you thanking them by getting on your knees and kissing their feet 

I don't know, obviously everyone's experience and everyone's luck is different but I have always assumed that if a guy thought I was too fat for his taste he wouldn't ask me out to begin with, meaning i would never know about it (in the spirit of what you don't know wont hurt you). Instead he would simply ask out someone he is actually attracted to. So why doesn't a guy who is attracted to someone larger than I am act accordingly, instead of treating me like a blow up doll he can inflate to his specifications. :doh:

Rereading this it sounds a bit like man bashing, which is not my intention. Rather my problem lies with the more general concept that as long as you aren't telling her to lose weight its acceptable to tell a fat woman you want to change her appearance. While I would of course prefer the person not think I should change to begin with, for now I would even settle for them exercising the filter between their brain and mouth and just not saying it even if they are thinking it (at least until we have known each other long enough to ascertain whether or not this is something I am open to). Gee sounds a lot like manners and common courtesy doesn't it...

ETA: Just realized this post assumes its men doing the asking, but that it can be women asking women, or women asking men as well. I dont feel like going back and making the whole post gender neutral so feel free to insert your preference as you read.


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## crayola box (Jul 28, 2009)

wow just finished reading through the entire thread and realized that what I took five paragraphs trying to say, someone else was able to sum up in one word: TACT. :bow:


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## mergirl (Jul 28, 2009)

I still maintain that the reason 'some' guys think it is ok for their opening shtick to be "how big is your belly", "how much do you weigh", "You would look even better if you weighed x amount more" Is because they get confused and don't seem to realise that not all the women here are paysite models. I know that part of many Paysite models jobs is to play into many fantasies ie "Look at how fat i got", "guess how much i weigh", "look at all my rolls"... etc etc. Some newbies and some stupidies think its ok to talk to any woman like that, outwith a porn context. I have not in any non Fa/Fat forum ever heard a guy say "you would look better if you were thinner". If it happens it will not be to the degree it does here. ie. frequently. In real life is some guy said to you that you would look better if you were thinner, unless you were a total sadcase you would dump them pretty quick. 
I really can think of no other reason for guys thinking they can talk to people like they are talking to someone who is a sex worker. 
Maby i am wrong but i can't think of any other reason. 
Btw, i am not 'blaming' bbw models for some guys being dicks. They do a job and in many cases represent fat sexuality beautifully. I think though there is a line of confusion somewhere and that is where it lies.


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## Fascinita (Jul 28, 2009)

crayola box said:


> I don't know, obviously everyone's experience and everyone's luck is different but I have always assumed that if a guy thought I was too fat for his taste he wouldn't ask me out to begin with, meaning i would never know about it (in the spirit of what you don't know wont hurt you). Instead he would simply ask out someone he is actually attracted to. So why doesn't a guy who is attracted to someone larger than I am act accordingly, instead of treating me like a blow up doll he can inflate to his specifications. :doh:
> .



Crayola, meet feeders.


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## Tad (Jul 28, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I really can think of no other reason for guys thinking they can talk to people like they are talking to someone who is a sex worker.



I think that there are other explanations. Im just speculating here, because even at my most clueless I dont think Id have ever done this. Then again, I was never exposed to this sort of environment as an 18 year old suffused with an overload of testosterone and a deficiency in common sense. Anyway, here are a couple of other scenarios that might make some sort of sense of that kind of behavior.

First scenario: I call this the clueless egotist scenario
Imagine this situation:
1) Youve always been interested in and turned on by fat, very fat women, weight gain, and all of that sort of stuff.
2) Youve spent vast numbers of hours thinking about all of this stuff and know what all the sexist parts are to you.
3) Youve never talked to anyone else about this sort of thing, because youve never met anyone who would admit that fat was sexy.
4) You come to a web site which embraces the idea that fat is sexy.
5) You figure out what everyone on the site must like, based on the sample of people you know who think fat is sexy. That is to say, yourself. So you expect that everyone else on the site will like the same things that you like, and be as enthusiastic about them as you are.
6) You see some woman on the site that you get bold enough to virtually approach, and eagerly start talking about all the great stuff that you are sure she must like (since she is on the site, and therefore must like the same things you do).

Second scenario: I call this the low-k-high-n scenario
Imagine this mind set (although it is probably not thought through so explicitly).
1) You know exactly what you are hoping to meet in a woman.
2) You dont care what the other three billion women in the world think of you, so long as you find that one woman who is what you want.
3) You know that finding what you want is going to be hard, because it is not that common.
4) Then maybe it makes sense to approach each and every woman who has even the tiniest chance of being what you want, and essentially say Here is my fantasy, do you match my fantasy? (In this case this probably takes the form of You look good but would look good fatter, how much weight do you want to gain? or something along those lines). 
5) Since you dont really care about the opinion of those women who are not your ideal, there is no real point in wasting time in being diplomatic towards them, might as well just hit them up and see what they say.
6) You know that your odds of success (k) with this approach is low, so to have much chance at all you need to maximize your sample size (n). Note that this is the opposite of standard dating, where you date a small sample of people (low n) and try to maximize your chances with each of them (high k). The low-k-high-n approach also explains the guy who goes around a bar and propositions every woman there as closing time approaches. That he annoys almost all of them doesnt matter, when once a week or so one agrees to go home with him.


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## olwen (Jul 28, 2009)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> Some times that is hard to do Olwen..We all want to be attractive to others and when you have random people telling you that you aren't blah blah blah it bothers you..I really do not think it is just a female problem...I think some men suffer the same way,they just do not discuss it as much as women do..You know a woman telling a man he is not worthy because he is to short,to tall,to skinny,to fat,to bald,to much hair and on and on and on has to hurt him just as much..
> 
> No matter how much body love you have for yourself hearing someone else tell you how hot you look and how much they admire your body helps,it's an ego booster..I know it seems shallow but we all have the need to be desired for our bodies and our minds..Nothing better then a person saying damn you look so good to make you feel good...JMO anyways..
> 
> I agree 100% that we are not some people's cup of tea and that there is someone out there that will find us attractive..Some times you got to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince..



Oh I understand that, believe me, I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times I've been told I'm not enough of/too much of something, and not just by men. It can be difficult, but I think maybe the thing that helps me cope with that is this thought: "That guy just isn't for me" or "That woman just has a bug up her butt." Those comments either make me roll my eyes or just laugh. Plus I've only got so much energy. I'd rather not waste the energy I've got on jerks....I think maybe for me energy conservation drives a lot of what I do and how I react. I'd rather use my energy for other things, otherwise I get mentally and physically tired.


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## olwen (Jul 28, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I still maintain that the reason 'some' guys think it is ok for their opening shtick to be "how big is your belly", "how much do you weigh", "You would look even better if you weighed x amount more" Is because they get confused and don't seem to realise that not all the women here are paysite models. I know that part of many Paysite models jobs is to play into many fantasies ie "Look at how fat i got", "guess how much i weigh", "look at all my rolls"... etc etc. Some newbies and some stupidies think its ok to talk to any woman like that, outwith a porn context. I have not in any non Fa/Fat forum ever heard a guy say "you would look better if you were thinner". If it happens it will not be to the degree it does here. ie. frequently. In real life is some guy said to you that you would look better if you were thinner, unless you were a total sadcase you would dump them pretty quick.
> I really can think of no other reason for guys thinking they can talk to people like they are talking to someone who is a sex worker.
> Maby i am wrong but i can't think of any other reason.
> Btw, i am not 'blaming' bbw models for some guys being dicks. They do a job and in many cases represent fat sexuality beautifully. I think though there is a line of confusion somewhere and that is where it lies.



Mer, it's not just this site where that happens. I've had that you'd be hotter if... comment on various dating sites and in person as well all my life. I think it's just that men sometimes - the tactless ones - get to thinking that they can say anything that comes into their heads because they: 

a) are used to being catered to sexually in the world at large: every ad agency, every medium, just society is at fault. Male fantasy is often the default in western society, well in other societies too. Because men occupy a place of overall privilege they might feel entitled to express their desires regardless of how they go about it. They can't be wrong if society has given them carte blanche to do as they please. 

b)they might be of the mind that fat girls would be grateful to hear any "compliment" they prooffer, because after all, most fat girls would never be able to distinguish between sexual harassment and actual compliments. (that was a bit of sarcasm btw) It's almost like maybe they think we either don't deserve respect or they think that we maybe don't respect ourselves enough to fight back or express sexual desires of our own.

c)they might think that "giving permission" to let it all hang out is what every fat girl wants to hear because that's what they fantasize about. That might be true for some, but I think maybe the ones with a case of the verbal diarrhea don't even know to stop and think that might not be true for all.


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## ashmamma84 (Jul 28, 2009)

SocialbFly said:


> everyone is judged by how they look...we are not that unique to it...
> 
> nose too big, too small
> dick too big, too small
> ...



Wise words, Di. Wise words. 

I think I am at the point where I am trying not to take things like that too seriously. I don't have alot of time for the dumb shit. Just because a random someone doesn't find me attractive doesn't equal ugly. I don't know that I would have thought the same thing at 18 though; it might be something you grow into the more you become comfortable with yourself and you realize you are beautiful and perfectly imperfect as is. 

I've been told I'm too small and it doesn't make me sad as it just annoys me and makes me want to yell, "Shut the fuck up!" from my proverbial mountain top. If its not one thing its another with humans...so now I'm choosing to focus on things that reaffirm what I think about myself and try my best to cancel out the rest.

So Kris, I say to you - know your worth! You are unique and lovely as is! Maybe something practical would be to begin by writing down five things you like about yourself and be sure to include more than physical attributes and do it for about a week or two, adding more things to the list as you go along. And instead of looking in the mirror searching for flaws to fix, try to see the reflection of magnificence. Trust me, it might feel silly at first, but it helps to keep reminding yourself everyday about how special and amazing you really are. Why? Because you _really are_.


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## Mini (Jul 29, 2009)

Maybe there's some sort of link between having socially unacceptable sexual preferences and being socially inept to begin with.


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## Angel (Jul 29, 2009)

Mini said:


> Maybe there's some sort of link between having socially unacceptable sexual preferences and being socially inept to begin with.



I would love to pick that apart; and from two completely different perspectives, but I don't think this is the proper sub forum in which to do so. 

Also, I need to keep my blood pressure within a desirable range.




This I will say to the ladies here. If **all** that a man cares about is numbers, "your stats", your size, your weight, whether or not you will gain for him, whether or not you are gaining/or have gained, if he says that you are not fat enough, or that you are too fat, he is not interested in YOU AS A PERSON, and even if he says he loves your fat or loves your body or says he loves you, if his main concern and every conversation revolves around the previous things mentioned he is not seeing you for who you are as a person.

If a guy wants you to change or become something different from what you are, it's not you he is interested in, it is the mental image he has in his mind that he finds stimulating.

If you want to find out if a guy acting like that really cares, tell him you like yourself as you are and that you refuse to change for anyone. Then watch and see how long he stays around.

If a guy can't accept you as you are, he isn't worth a dime or worth a second thought.

We all deserve better.


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## Theotherone (Jul 29, 2009)

Consider:

1) A lot of folks navigating the FA/BBW dating intersect will be inept. There are few models of correct FA behavior to be found in the greater world. One of the benefits of a thread like this is that it provides a tutorial for those willing to take in the lesson.

2) FA/BBW relationships are going to be strongly monkey-brain driven since their underlying foundation is physical attributes. BBWs need to remind FAs that their money-natures need to stay caged until boyfriend/girlfriend status is achieved.

3) Playing Pygmalion is a super turn-on to the monkey-brain. To it, nothing says you love me quite as much as being willing to shape yourself to its ideal. Discussion on this topic must occur (since vital health and relationship power dynamics are tied to it). However, it should be shelved until boyfriend/girlfriend status is achieved. And then, perfectly reasonable to insist that it be understood such transformations will never be more than bedroom fantasies.


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## Angel (Jul 29, 2009)

Theotherone said:


> Discussion on this topic must occur (since vital health and relationship power dynamics are tied to it). However, it should be shelved until boyfriend/girlfriend status is achieved. And then, perfectly reasonable to insist that it be understood such transformations will never be more than bedroom fantasies.



I think it should be discussed *before* boyfriend/girlfriend status. Even if it is discussed, you won't always get the truth. With enough discussion, you can kind of tell what makes someone tick or what gets them aroused.

Reasoning. Within the BBW/FA communities many (if not most) feeders hide behind the FA cloak. Closet feeders and/or encouragers know exactly how much -or how little-they can divulge about their 'wiring' without making the female feel uncomfortable. If a closet feeder likes a girl who is apposed to anything remotely related to feederism, he knows to keep his secret inclinations as best hidden as he possibly can.

re: the bedroom fantasies
It's a dangerous game to tease a feeder or encourager or to "play" being a feedee just to get someone's attention or to become their girlfriend. It's also not fair to them. One, most BBW really don't understand the mindset of a feeder or of an encourager. It's not somethinmg that can be turned off at will or walked away from just because you eventually tire of it. Two, it's not fair to humor them just so you can get a little affection or attention. 

Even if you insist that the "transformations will never be more than bedroom fantasies" , he is still being permitted to indulge in those fantasies. You need to seriously ask yourself if you would be ok with your man fanta*sizing* about you as someone other than who you really are, specifically as someone fatter. 


No. My posts are not dissing feeders. My posts are more to inform those BBW who really don't understand feederism or the feeder mindset. 

An FA will like you being whatever size or degree of fatness you happen to be. An encourager or feeder likes to imagine (or assist with) you gaining. It's the transformation and encouraging or helping that makes them tick.


Yeah, all this might seem as too much for this forum, but I think that BBW, especially the newer BBW need to understand what they may be dealing with when they start getting all that unfamiliar attention and worse, being told that they are too small or that they aren't fat enough. They need to know that there is nothing wrong with them being whatever size or shape they may presently be.


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## crayola box (Jul 29, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Crayola, meet feeders.





Theotherone said:


> Consider:
> 
> 2) FA/BBW relationships are going to be strongly monkey-brain driven since their underlying foundation is physical attributes. BBWs need to remind FAs that their money-natures need to stay caged until boyfriend/girlfriend status is achieved.
> 
> .



Points well taken. Hmm the feeder thing is tricky I guess. I mean I suppose whether or not it is something you're into there are two ways to look at it. On the one hand is the idea of openness and honesty about preference etc. and the person who would want this discussed on the outset so they know what they are getting into. But on the other hand assuming that feederism is partly sexual (?) then it seems like something that would be inappropriate for that first impression stage. Though either way, monkey- brained or not, its kind of a blow to the ego to know the first thing you thought of when you saw me was that I could look better if i gained X pounds. I definitely see how this may not be that big a deal to someone looking for a feeder though so I guess the bottom line is know your audience on a date, or else tread lightly. 

As for this monkey-brain business  : I concur with you that there needs to be discussion etc. But I have little patience (not with you just the general concept) for the argument that because they may be socially inept so we should remind them to keep their fantasies caged until an appropriate time. I can understand being shy because perhaps there is less experience with women, but why socially inept. I assume the guy I am with has been to school and has a job which means he has interacted with people as opposed to living under a rock, so by now should have picked up on basic social skills of whats acceptable behavior when you first meet a person. 

Even if I agreed that the poor guy may be socially inept I, personally, do not want to have to remind him how to behave. Why must that burden be on the BBW. (This is totally an aside but: how come the argument that the guy/FA may be socially inept comes up so often but not that the girl/BBW may be??) On a first date my preference is to be swept off my feet, and having to act like his mother kinda kills that mood . Yeah I know life isn't a fairy tale, all first dates do not and arent going to follow the knight on a white horse script but if I am insulted, embarassed, or otherwise made to feel uncomfortable on a date by being told I should be 50lbs heavier I can't really see date number two happening, because, even allowing for his good intentions or social ineptitude, who would want to take the chance of being in an awkward situation a second time.


ETA: Guess Angel and I were responding at the same time so I didnt get to read your response until I already wrote mine. Anyway just wanted to add that your post and Tad's I think make excellent point about what happen's online vs. what happens in person (or what happens between someone familiar with the community as opposed to not) and make me think whether our expectations and/or subsequent reactions should be adjusted accordingly.


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## mergirl (Jul 29, 2009)

olwen said:


> Mer, it's not just this site where that happens. I've had that you'd be hotter if... comment on various dating sites and in person as well all my life. I think it's just that men sometimes - the tactless ones - get to thinking that they can say anything that comes into their heads because they:
> 
> a) are used to being catered to sexually in the world at large: every ad agency, every medium, just society is at fault. Male fantasy is often the default in western society, well in other societies too. Because men occupy a place of overall privilege they might feel entitled to express their desires regardless of how they go about it. They can't be wrong if society has given them carte blanche to do as they please.
> 
> ...



Really? I had no idea. Ive just never had any experience of that on the outside world, only here. Though, i have never been on a dating site either. That sucks. I can't believe anyone would be so arogant as to try to change anyone!! I think it would be especially difficult if the woman was getting "you would be hotter if you were fatter" places like here and "you would be hotter if you were thinner" in other places.

In saying this, it does seem somewhat more socially acceptable somehow to say someone would look better if they gained weight than if they said they should lose weight. I'm not sure why that is, though its possibly to do with the fact that the latter is more recognised as a form of abuse that is talked about on tv, on problem pages etc, while telling someone they would look better fatter, seems to be very "scene" specific.

I am on board with the male privilage suggestion. I really think though that on here there seems to be less tact somehow in many ways. 

Actually, angel reminded me (Its weird i hadn't seen it) that this sort of comment could actually be coming from people who have a weight gain fetish. When i first read this post, i took it to mean the guys saying "you would look better if you were fatter" were Fa's stating a preference (however crass it would be to state it). Though, i'm wondering if these requests/demands/statements/'compliments' come from some sort of sexual desperation. That the meer mention of weight gain or thought of it may even be enough to satiate some people with those tendences. In saying that there are a lot of people who are feeders on these boards and they are not all a bunch of feckless idiots. (its just funny i never thought of it as a feeder issue, just a tactless Fa one, which added a new dimensions i guess)

If the problem was that they thought Fat women would take any bit of attention they could give them and be happy with that, surely they would learn after the first time they tried their 'magic' on one of the many of the women who just wont put up with that kind of shit and will call them on it. The guy i was talking about earlier just doesn't give up; Seriously Its like he is a harassment robot pitbull! Its like his fantasy head just CANNOT give way to his 'people are humans' head..ever. I find this a bit weird and also very interesting.


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## moniquessbbw (Jul 29, 2009)

bigsexy920 said:


> O've been told that Im too small and ive been told im too big. Guess it depends on who is looking.



I have sat on both sides of that fence. Those just arent the right people for me so I move on. Don't let it get you down Kris you're cute just the way you are. Just stay true to yourself.


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## Tooz (Jul 29, 2009)

Angel said:


> I think it should be discussed *before* boyfriend/girlfriend status. Even if it is discussed, you won't always get the truth. With enough discussion, you can kind of tell what makes someone tick or what gets them aroused.
> 
> Reasoning. Within the BBW/FA communities many (if not most) feeders hide behind the FA cloak. Closet feeders and/or encouragers know exactly how much -or how little-they can divulge about their 'wiring' without making the female feel uncomfortable. If a closet feeder likes a girl who is apposed to anything remotely related to feederism, he knows to keep his secret inclinations as best hidden as he possibly can.
> 
> ...



This is beyond intensely offensive.


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## Weeze (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks ladies (and mini?)
I guess I was just frustrated and it spewed 
Oh, and to clarify, i'm *obviously* not anti-feeding. I wasn't talking about feeding, that's a totally different scenario.
Also, I know this isn't the weight board, so it's technically not protected, but just remember blanket statements about a group of people usually aren't true, including feeders 

I actually don't really have this problem too much with a lot of feeders because they see it as a challenge  I was more referencing "normal" fa's, and like i said, the smart part of my brain knows that a real, worthwhile person wouldn't ask you to change your body but my point was that it gets frustrating when it happens SO much. 

And you girls were right about getting it from both ends too. I guess the only really bitter part of me that has to do with being bigger is the fact that I can't stand being told i'm too big from certain people and too small from other people, I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. 

But yes. My point of this whole freaking book of a post was that I was not trashing feeders, and to be honest, i'm not a fan of the whole "they're out to get you" mentality because a lot of them aren't, and you shouldn't just throw someone aside because they're a feeder. Tons of people have kinks, and what you should worry about isn't really WHAT the kink is, but rather if he's able to remain respectful of you as person despite it.


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## StarWitness (Jul 29, 2009)

Angel said:


> No. My posts are not dissing feeders. My posts are more to inform those BBW who really don't understand feederism or the feeder mindset.
> 
> An FA will like you being whatever size or degree of fatness you happen to be. An encourager or feeder likes to imagine (or assist with) you gaining. It's the transformation and encouraging or helping that makes them tick.
> 
> ...



Maybe your intent wasn't to diss feeders, but I think you're making some really broad generalizations here. Sure, there are creeps out there who are also feeders. There are creeps in every sort of permutation of human sexuality. There are some self-aware, ethical, respectful feeders on this forum who are not the kind of person you've described. There's even some feeders who don't consider a partner's weight gain to be essential. Some feeders are even bisizual.

*ETA:* Tooz and krissmiss apparently got their posts in while I was still thinking about what I wanted to say in mine. My intent isn't to gang up on you.


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## Angel (Jul 29, 2009)

Tooz said:


> This is beyond intensely offensive.



It wasn't written to be offensive in any way, especially towards the guys (feeders) who are honest and upfront. 

I am not saying that they have to tell the whole world (ie openly online) their personal business. (personal business here refering to if they identify with being a feeder or encourager or into weight gain)

On the other hand, and within the dynamics of a personal relationship, honesty and being truthful from the beginning would be appreciated by the majority of females (and vice versa).


----------



## Tooz (Jul 29, 2009)

Angel said:


> It wasn't written to be offensive in any way, especially towards the guys (feeders) who are honest and upfront.
> 
> I am not saying that they have to tell the whole world (ie openly online) their personal business. (personal business here refering to if they identify with being a feeder or encourager or into weight gain)
> 
> On the other hand, and within the dynamics of a personal relationship, honesty and being truthful from the beginning would be appreciated by the majority of females (and vice versa).



It doesn't matter how you meant it, honestly. It offends me as a fat woman and it offends the men and women I have spoken to who are feeders. It is offensive to me as a fat woman because the feel of the writing makes it as if we are a) helpless lambs and b) a huge group of vagina dentata. The overall tone was just incredibly alarming to me. Feeders are not all some group of people just WAITING to do covert fattening missions, unbeknownst to the bbw they are currently with.

I just don't know, it really rubbed me the wrong way.


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## Angel (Jul 29, 2009)

Tooz said:


> It doesn't matter how you meant it, honestly. It offends me as a fat woman and it offends the men and women I have spoken to who are feeders. It is offensive to me as a fat woman because the feel of the writing makes it as if we are a) helpless lambs and b) a huge group of vagina dentata. The overall tone was just incredibly alarming to me. Feeders are not all some group of people just WAITING to do covert fattening missions, unbeknownst to the bbw they are currently with.
> 
> I just don't know, it really rubbed me the wrong way.



I know what I meant and those that know me know what I meant, and they also know that I do not go around attempting to disrupt threads or rip anyone apart. 

My beginnings with the BBW/FA community began in the beseen chat rooms. Those BBW that are familiar with the different fat community chat rooms from way back then and even up until now know the drill they faced as a newbie female. And yes, the board/forum dynamics are different in that you can read and ignore or overlook certain personatities. I think that alot of Dim forum posters (even some posting in this thread) got their start in chat. For example, on the forums you can skip reading the weight board. A female newbie in chat is gonna get the asl? how much do you weigh? what are your measurements? what did you eat today? are you full? are you into gaining? repeatedly from multiple random male chatters. Also, and sadly, that is usually where they (the BBW and even SSBBW) are often then told that they are not fat enough. 

Some of you know how fat I am, and you know what? Even at my size, many guys (without even considering the realities) think I should gain another 100-200-300 pounds or more. To them it's not just a fantasy. I can't be any more plain than saying that I have absolutely nothing against encouragers or feeders who are honest within their individual personal relationships.



Tooz, since you are discussing my post with your feeder friends, go back and ask every one of them this. What type of man gives feeders a bad reputation or makes them (your feeder friends) almost ashamed to openly admit that they identify as a feeder or encourager? Maybe even ask them to come here and read this thread and my posts in their entirty and in complete context even, and you may find the feedback to be completely different.


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## mossystate (Jul 29, 2009)

Let's just be careful that this does not turn into feeder chat. There is a forum for that, and while some of this intertwines, to ' encourage ' outside people into giving feedback on this issue, well, does not really belong on this forum. Angel, you could start a thread over there.


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## Angel (Jul 29, 2009)

mossystate said:


> Let's just be careful that this does not turn into feeder chat. There is a forum for that, and while some of this intertwines, to ' encourage ' outside people into giving feedback on this issue, well, does not really belong on this forum. Angel, you could start a thread over there.



I didn't mean feedback here. I meant feedback to her privately about my posts since she is discussing my posts privately with her friends and stated such.


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## mossystate (Jul 29, 2009)

Angel said:


> I didn't mean feedback here. I meant feedback to her privately about my posts since she is discussing my posts privately with her friends and stated such.



As long as you keep it in PM...cool.


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## katorade (Jul 29, 2009)

Angel said:


> I know what I meant and those that know me know what I meant, and they also know that I do not go around attempting to disrupt threads or rip anyone apart.
> 
> My beginnings with the BBW/FA community began in the beseen chat rooms. Those BBW that are familiar with the different fat community chat rooms from way back then and even up until now know the drill they faced as a newbie female. And yes, the board/forum dynamics are different in that you can read and ignore or overlook certain personatities. I think that alot of Dim forum posters (even some posting in this thread) got their start in chat. For example, on the forums you can skip reading the weight board. A female newbie in chat is gonna get the asl? how much do you weigh? what are your measurements? what did you eat today? are you full? are you into gaining? repeatedly from multiple random male chatters. Also, and sadly, that is usually where they (the BBW and even SSBBW) are often then told that they are not fat enough.



Keep in mind that chat rooms and forums, whatever subject they might cover, are rarely a decent reflection of reality.


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## mossystate (Jul 29, 2009)

And...in chat...there's always a group of women there to help beat down any of that crap. I have seen ' newbies ' become much more relaxed, when they know that there is always going to be the creepers...but, also, those who will help kick them in the shins.

It's just a free service we offer.


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## KHayes666 (Jul 29, 2009)

mossystate said:


> And...in chat...there's always a group of women there to help beat down any of that crap. I have seen ' newbies ' become much more relaxed, when they know that there is always going to be the creepers...but, also, those who will help kick them in the shins.
> 
> It's just a free service we offer.



Yes, nice to know you're openly admitting to be doing some bullying in the chatroom.


As for Tooz being offended again at something, she's right this time. That was a pretty broad statement to make not just on feeders/feedees but on women in general. 

I've been saying it so much I may pass out from exhaustion, not EVERYONE is bad or good. There are creepy feeders and there are respected feeders, there are women out there that will attack anyone that moves and there are sweet women who bring the best of intentions.

Assholes/bitches and Nice guys/girls are in every faction of life, not just here....just try to find what your comfortable with.


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## Tooz (Jul 29, 2009)

Angel said:


> I know what I meant and those that know me know what I meant, and they also know that I do not go around attempting to disrupt threads or rip anyone apart.
> 
> Tooz, since you are discussing my post with your feeder friends, go back and ask every one of them this. What type of man gives feeders a bad reputation or makes them (your feeder friends) almost ashamed to openly admit that they identify as a feeder or encourager? Maybe even ask them to come here and read this thread and my posts in their entirty and in complete context even, and you may find the feedback to be completely different.



I don't think you're trying to disrupt anything, I was just letting you know my sentiments on it. Sorry if I came across as accusing you of that-- I don't feel that way at all.

These feeders (AND bbws) are members of Dims, and have read it in full context. I was actually linked to the post by them. For a myriad of reasons, I guess not all of them chose to reply.


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## Fascinita (Jul 29, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> Yes, nice to know you're openly admitting to be doing some bullying in the chatroom.



Kevin, please let it go. As far as I know, this is a forum for discussing BBW issues. Can we adhere to that? You had a nice on-topic post earlier in this thread... Can't we keep personal drama out of this?


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## wrestlingguy (Jul 29, 2009)

A while ago, I asked in one of the forums (prolly before the FFA/FA forum was created), if some of the guys had taste in size or body preference change over time.

One of the things that became clear to me with the subsequent posts was that guys began to like their women larger over time. Now obviously this isn't true with everyone, but at least most of the respondents in the thread seemed to indicate that this might be common.

Early on in my Dims days (late '97 or early '98) I found this place in a curious quest. The girl I was living with at the time had grown from 135 pounds when I met her to a MONSTROUS 240 pounds, and I liked it. At the time, going from a size 8-10 to an 18-20 was a big thing. She had gotten immense, at least to me. I came here in an effort to better understand why I thought this growth was sexual for me, despite the fact that she hated it.

Over the years, the bar has been raised. To me today, 240 pounds is a waif. My wife is 100 pounds more than that. I think as FA's, we become somewhat desensitized to bigness, and what used to seem big no longer does.

That said, I am in no way endorsing that guys accost a smaller BBW in chat or PM, and chastise them because what they found sexy before has changed. There's never an excuse for being an asshole. I think that the sexual aspect of size may be the underlying problem. As a FA, I still think that size is only one part of what makes one sexy to me. Smaller BBW's are no less hot than the larger ones, if the other factors that I find sexy are still there. There's no difference between a small & large loaf of bread.....it's still bread. It's when you "judge" the smaller loaf as being less than what it is that it becomes a problem.


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## KHayes666 (Jul 29, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Kevin, please let it go. As far as I know, this is a forum for discussing BBW issues. Can we adhere to that?



Alright, alright....I'll refrain from this one. Carry on


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## kayrae (Jul 29, 2009)

Kevin, when "Person A" is helping "Person B" from another chatter who disgustingly PMs them... um, I don't consider that bullying. It's called defending another person from sexual harassment. Gripe about it if you want. But I barely go into the chatroom and I still get unsolicited sexual messages from other chatters and I appreciate the help.

And, yes, most of the "you're too small" comments I've gotten come from the chatroom.



KHayes666 said:


> Yes, nice to know you're openly admitting to be doing some bullying in the chatroom.


----------



## Fascinita (Jul 29, 2009)

Still, in the end, I think the right response is to realize that everyone is entitled to his opinion, but it doesn't mean I have to run away with it and try to change how I look because of it. 

Trying to get to a point where the opinions of others don't define us is hard work--there's so much unsolicited commentary (whether active or passive) telling fat women (all women, really) what they should look like... But it gets easier over time to learn to say, "Who cares what you think?!" and move on.


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## kayrae (Jul 29, 2009)

You're right. Before DIMS, I thought I was too fat. Two months into my DIMs membership, I was beginning to feel too small. At the time, I found this to be confusing, humorous, and shocking. Over time, I choose not to care. 

I've decided that I'm fabulous and that's enough for me.


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## mossystate (Jul 29, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> Yes, nice to know you're openly admitting to be doing some bullying in the chatroom.
> .




If a woman ( in this example I gave ), has other people disrespecting her...you better believe I...and others...will say something. 

You truly do not understand what is bullying...and what is something you just don't like someone you don't like...doing.

If that makes me a bully, then, I AM A PROUD BULLY.



I might even defend you, if someone was saying something about you that was way uncalled for. I have yet to see this, but, I would.


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## mossystate (Jul 29, 2009)

kayrae said:


> You're right. Before DIMS, I thought I was too fat. Two months into my DIMs membership, I was beginning to feel too small. At the time, I found this to be confusing, humorous, and shocking. Over time, I choose not to care.
> 
> I've decided that I'm fabulous and that's enough for me.



It really has to be...doesn't it!


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## wrestlingguy (Jul 29, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> Assholes/bitches and Nice guys/girls are in every faction of life, not just here....just try to find what your comfortable with.



There's some truth to that, Kev. HOWEVER, let's take it the opposite way, and give me your thoughts.

You go into the chatroom called "Girls Who Love Big Penis". You get a handle, and jump into the fray. You're pretty confident that you have this big monster that no one's seen before. In your eyes, most women are afraid of it..............
that is, until you begin to chat.

Suddenly, you're bombarded with PM's asking you to send pics of your member, which you're reluctant to do, since everyone you've been with has said it's way too big, but you finally give in, and you are now bombarded with snide remarks like "hey, that looks just like a penis, only smaller". Now you begin to feel, what??????????? Inadequate, right?

You felt like shit before you got there, you went in thinking you'd boost your self esteem, and in the end, you got kicked in the ass.

All because of a fucking troll who is just their to get their rocks off. Male or female, it hurts. No one likes to be made to feel inadequate, or less than they already are.

So, when other women who've been through this get pissed off, and kick the troll in the ass, it's from their own sense of frustration that this hazing continues unchecked (I don't think we have a troll law yet).

And Kev, if the shoe was on the other foot, and they were making fyou feel inadequate, I'd defend your penis to the death.

http://GirlsWhoLoveBigPenis.com
gotcha....you didn't really think this forum existed, did you?


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## OneWickedAngel (Jul 29, 2009)

kayrae said:


> You're right. Before DIMS, I thought I was too fat. Two months into my DIMs membership, I was beginning to feel too small. At the time, I found this to be confusing, humorous, and shocking. Over time, I choose not to care.
> 
> I've decided that I'm fabulous and that's enough for me.





mossystate said:


> It really has to be...doesn't it!



_*:bow:BOTH STATEMENTS EXACTLY!*_:bow:


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## Angel (Jul 29, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> That was a pretty broad statement to make not just on feeders/feedees but on women in general.



I must have missed something. I didn't see anyone say anything bad about *feedees*, or even about **all* feeders*, or anything negative about "women in general". I guess I should go back and read the entire thread to see where that was unless you want to show me *exactly* where *word for word* that was, KHayes666.


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## mossystate (Jul 29, 2009)

wrestlingguy said:


> And Kev, if the shoe was on the other foot, and they were making fyou feel inadequate, I'd defend your penis to the death.



The visuals....I want my Mommy.

Khayes...you should have been in chat when I defended a mans right to chat, no matter what an ex wanted. Golly, I bet you would have been so proud of me.:blush:


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## Weeze (Jul 30, 2009)

Phil, you win, soooooo much 



wrestlingguy said:


> There's some truth to that, Kev. HOWEVER, let's take it the opposite way, and give me your thoughts.
> 
> You go into the chatroom called "Girls Who Love Big Penis". You get a handle, and jump into the fray. You're pretty confident that you have this big monster that no one's seen before. In your eyes, most women are afraid of it..............
> that is, until you begin to chat.
> ...


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## crayola box (Jul 30, 2009)

krismiss said:


> Phil, you win, soooooo much



Ditto! Perfect illustration of how to use a "what if the shoe were on the other foot" example!


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## MissToodles (Jul 30, 2009)

I always wondered if this line of thinking is a backhanded compliment. think about it, we're so conditioned to be sensitive about our size and other body image issues, maybe by saying ''you're too small'', it's a way of trying to endear yourself to the woman in question. unflattering, nevertheless though it is.


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## mmb2153 (Jul 30, 2009)

One minute I am thinking about how terrible I look for not being the right size to please the man I love and the next I am catching shit from someone else for bringing up my desire to gain weight. 

Sadly, I have no good advice. If your significant other loves you enough, the other opinions fade away. The trouble sets in if you don't feel good enough for your partner or you feel as if he does not love you enough. Then you lack support from all angles. 

Life's a bitch. Overall, it is a matter of forming your own opinions with the help of the people that REALLY matter to you and ignoring the rest.


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## KHayes666 (Jul 30, 2009)

mossystate said:


> The visuals....I want my Mommy.
> 
> Khayes...you should have been in chat when I defended a mans right to chat, no matter what an ex wanted. Golly, I bet you would have been so proud of me.:blush:



Considering I have a lifetime ban from Dimchat, doubt that will be possible.


Oh and Phil, the shoe would never be on the other foot because I don't go into chatroom's looking for an ego boost or self esteem help. I do just fine on my own, however for a lot of people you're right on the money.

However my notion of NOT EVERYONE IS TRYING TO WANK AND TELLING PEOPLE THEY ARE TOO SMALL/BIG still remains. For the eleventeen (yes I said it) members who say Kayrae is too small, add me to the list of people who likes her just the way she is.

As for the people who are defending person A from the dastardly person B....that's not what I was talking about.

I'm talking about an unknown member saying he likes the size of Kayrae's belly and Mossy or someone else jumping down his throat for simply saying his preference. For instance if someone with buckets of rep said someone looked good in a chat, they'd be met with a thank you or an awkward eye. Now if someone who doesn't have a pic or is fairly new and says the exact same thing, then here come the bullies.

Obviously if someone is being vulgar, rude and offensive then I condone bullying but if someone's simply being curious then there's no need to send the riot police.


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## mossystate (Jul 30, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> I'm talking about an unknown member saying he likes the size of Kayrae's belly and Mossy or someone else jumping down his throat for simply saying his preference. For instance if someone with buckets of rep said someone looked good in a chat, they'd be met with a thank you or an awkward eye. Now if someone who doesn't have a pic or is fairly new and says the exact same thing, then here come the bullies.
> 
> Obviously if someone is being vulgar, rude and offensive then I condone bullying but if someone's simply being curious then there's no need to send the *riot police*.




Dramatic...much?

You are living out, in your head, what you THINK ' we ' are saying.


If I am in chat, and have a picture up that is not my current ' monkey in santa hat ' picture, and someone says ' I like ______ ', I either say thanks, or, if he has not even said hello, I ignore his sorry ass. If he says hi ( and I can see it is only because he has heard that is what you do...get it out of the way and all ), and only then says, " so, are you a gainer...a feedee...have any other pictures ...what did you have for dinner ", I usually laugh...maybe tell him to fuck off...ignore....depends on the mood. Now, every once in a blue moon, after I have laughed at a guy, I have gone on to exchange a few other messages, if he has said something like, " ok, I am a moron ". Have a couple of laughs....move on.

Saying someone ' looks good ', has ,in terms of what I have seen, has never brought out the " riot police ". 

Many people are more like gnats, than anything. Nobody is strapping on the grenades. You might not like that there is any eyerolling, but, oh well. Oh, and, saying, " you look nice "....that is welcomed....but that is rarely the delivery, when talking about slapping at the gnat.


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## OneWickedAngel (Jul 30, 2009)

MissToodles said:


> I always wondered if this line of thinking is a backhanded compliment. think about it, we're so conditioned to be sensitive about our size and other body image issues, maybe by saying ''you're too small'', it's a way of trying to endear yourself to the woman in question. unflattering, nevertheless though it is.



*Someone once gave me Rep and wrote in the comments "You're such a cute little thing". I have no idea what was meant by saying that as it was not in context for the subject being repped for. It kind of irked the crap out of me for a couple of days because I could not tell whether it was an honest compliment, a snarky crack on my size (or lack there of depending on viewpoint) or if it was more in line of the patronizing tone adults take with children sometimes. Either way I found it incredibly condescending.*


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## olwen (Jul 30, 2009)

KHayes666 said:


> Considering I have a lifetime ban from Dimchat, doubt that will be possible.
> 
> 
> Oh and Phil, the shoe would never be on the other foot because I don't go into chatroom's looking for an ego boost or self esteem help. I do just fine on my own, however for a lot of people you're right on the money.
> ...



Kevin, there is a difference between expressing a preference and sexual harassment and it's all in the delivery as much as it is who that sentiment is coming from. Friends and SOs vs. strangers. 

Your opinion on the matter has been duly noted, and you are of course entitled to your opinion, but please try to absorb what the ladies here are saying about their own experiences. This thread is for the bbws here to express how they feel about what they perceive to be sexual harassment. If you want to discuss how you feel about this issue as an FA or just as a dude, it might be a good idea to start a thread on the FA board or the weight board.


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## olwen (Jul 30, 2009)

mergirl said:


> Really? I had no idea. Ive just never had any experience of that on the outside world, only here. Though, i have never been on a dating site either. That sucks. I can't believe anyone would be so arogant as to try to change anyone!! I think it would be especially difficult if the woman was getting "you would be hotter if you were fatter" places like here and "you would be hotter if you were thinner" in other places.
> 
> In saying this, it does seem somewhat more socially acceptable somehow to say someone would look better if they gained weight than if they said they should lose weight. I'm not sure why that is, though its possibly to do with the fact that the latter is more recognised as a form of abuse that is talked about on tv, on problem pages etc, while telling someone they would look better fatter, seems to be very "scene" specific.
> 
> ...



I don't think it's a feeder issue, I think it's just a tactless HNG (horny net guy) issue or just a tactless horny guy issue. For what it's worth these kinds of statements aren't specific to FAs either. Just in general those kinds of men sometimes let loose with offensive sexual behavior on all women. Words like "shorty," "mami," "gordita," (diminutive spanish for fat girl, which I especially hate hearing from hispanic guys I don't know, which just makes me want to sneer "cabron" at them, but I don't dare say that to a stranger) "baby," "darling," "sweetheart," "dear," can be offensive to women fat or thin who hear them. They are just disrespectful, tho all of these words can be terms of endearment in the right context. And that's what guys don't get sometimes - context. IMO occupying a place of privilege makes them lack perspective. From a stranger, those words can be offensive, and even from someone you already know they could be offensive - or not. It's just context. 

To me it doesn't matter so much really where it comes from, what matters to me is that a guy can exercise control and use sensible judgement. A lot of men do, but it's the ones who don't that just piss me off and make me want to go Xena Warrior princess on their asses. Can you imagine if women behaved that way all the time? If we did I bet more than one guy would think - "it's not okay to hit a woman." The real question is why women don't become violent (verbally or otherwise) towards men who behave that way.

I would wonder tho if women would be more inclined to be touchy feely when they want to express their desire....I have a friend who is quite handsome and sometimes he complains about women coming on too strong. He's flattered and simultaneously grossed out by that behavior. I would be too.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 30, 2009)

steely said:


> I'm sorry you feel that way, I've never been told I was too small. Often told I was too big. I've come to understand here at Dims that smaller BBW and bigger BBW go through some of the same trials and tribulations. I am keeping a more open mind when I see women who are smaller than I am. It's a start.
> 
> Saying that, I can't change who I am just to please a man or anyone else. I won't compromise myself.






Brenda said:


> When I first ventured into the size acceptance (ha!) world I was told on a number of occasions if I were fatter I would be more attractive to a man. Somehow this felt shittier than being told I was too fat by a non fa. I guess because I felt that if I was not attractive enough in fat circles I was more or less doomed to a life devoid of romantic love.
> 
> At some point you realize you don't need to be attractive to all men, just one that you want to be with and it stops mattering.
> 
> Brenda





BubbleButtBabe said:


> Some times that is hard to do Olwen..We all want to be attractive to others and when you have random people telling you that you aren't blah blah blah it bothers you..I really do not think it is just a female problem...I think some men suffer the same way,they just do not discuss it as much as women do..You know a woman telling a man he is not worthy because he is to short,to tall,to skinny,to fat,to bald,to much hair and on and on and on has to hurt him just as much..
> 
> No matter how much body love you have for yourself hearing someone else tell you how hot you look and how much they admire your body helps,it's an ego booster..I know it seems shallow but we all have the need to be desired for our bodies and our minds..Nothing better then a person saying damn you look so good to make you feel good...JMO anyways..
> 
> I agree 100% that we are not some people's cup of tea and that there is someone out there that will find us attractive..Some times you got to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince..







Fascinita said:


> I find my center--that core that's about "what I know to be true in the world"--and check in with myself: Would I go around actively telling people they're not this- or that- enough for me? If I did, would it mean that I was a self-important windbag (the answer is "yes" here)? Would I require people to change their bodies drastically for my pleasure and/or say things that made them feel terrible about themselves? Would I dream of presenting my preference as anything other than what I prefer, or pretend that what I preferred made someone "substandard"?
> 
> No. And I can't take the opinions of those who would seriously.
> 
> Eventually, you'll get better at keeping those kinds of comments from invading your thinking and feelings. Practice makes perferct. Know that you're a good person and find your place in the world and keep on keeping on. It gets better. :happy:





olwen said:


> I've been told outright, I'm too small by some FAs, and I've been told outright I'm too big by non-FAs I've been interested in. I've also been told, I'm not the right race - not white, not japanese, not indian. I find it laughable sometimes. It used to piss me off, now I just don't care at all. There's no way in hell I'm gonna change my size for anybody. I realized those comments weren't about me, they were about the other person's hangups, so no reason to take it personally.
> 
> I know hearing those kinds of comments can make you feel like your options are limited, and being fat, well they are, but that doesn't mean finding a mate is impossible. Just takes a little longer. That's something I've come to accept. The older I get the less it bothers me tho. I'd much rather be single than deal with bullshit from guys who are not open minded. It's also worth it to me to wait for someone who wants and likes my body as is rather than despite how it is.
> 
> It's just a waste of energy to worry about this kind of personal stuff you have no control over.






Tau said:


> You're never, ever going to be everybody's cup of tea so seriously, don't let it worry you. And you can't change the way you look for somebody else. * If you don't like it, change it *- if somebody else doesn't - well that's their problem and they can just stop looking.





PunkPeach said:


> I think who ever you are with should accept and love you for who you are, if they come in trying to change this and that, then they are most definitely not who you should spend time with.* We are people, not projects.*





Angel said:


> If a guy can't accept you as you are, he isn't worth a dime or worth a second thought.
> 
> We all deserve better.[/COLOR]



I don't have anything to add "positive" really other than these are good posts.

I have been down about this very subject a lot lately and have decided the main problem is within myself. Ultimately, I have to live with and within my own body, soul and mind. If I think something is not correct in any of those, finding outside affirmation doesn't always help because......I feel like a fraud/fake for accepting it. 

I don't know what to say Kris other than the advice above is really good and.....to ask you: Are you happy with your body and self? If you are, then that really will be enough in the long run. 
Only you know what you really think and feel- that's the person you need to address your important questions to, IMO. 




exile in thighville said:


> something i'm curious about: when you're turned down by someone, ladies, are they telling you outfront, "you're too small," or are you asking why you're being turned down? i don't doubt plenty of cases of both, i'm just curious to personal accounts. some people are gluttons for punishment.






exile in thighville said:


> gluttons for punishment:
> 
> people who ask why you're rejecting them
> dims boarders
> decemberists fans



Asking why someone reacted to me the way they did isn't me seeking punishment. It's me attempting to learn something...not just about myself but about the people around me. Knowing what it is they are thinking or feeling helps in that learning process.....

For the record, almost every negative comment I have heard about myself has came unsolicited. I don't beg anyone to talk down about me. Is it hard for you to believe/see that some people just love to put others down or attempt to control them with words/oral manipulations? 
You seem like a very intelligent, extroverted, aware type of guy Dan....surely you know there are manipulative, entitled, apathetic selfish people all over the world already?
People attempt to control/manipulate to acquire what it is that they want.....this includes doing it for physical reasons....not just monetary. 

So yeah....when a guy approaches one of us ladies (and I believe each and everyone of the ladies here because.....it's happened to me MANY TIMES...UNSOLICITED) and tries to present us with some great promise of eventually finding us worthy enough of a jizz shower that no other man can give , he is attempting to control us and doesn't need to be encouraged to "tell me how you really feel". 

Some people out in the world that prefer thin partners do it by telling another person they are fat and need to lose to suit a personal preference instead of just finding whatever it is that they actually want. It happens in the reverse, as well. It makes some people feel "powerful" or "important" if they can control the actions of others....it's an even bigger turn on than the actual physical aspect, I suspect. 






mergirl said:


> This. People will always have their own preferences, some are just really insensitive and share them in a way that could upset you. I remember there was a girl a while ago that asked me out a few times and i was pretty polite and said that i would prefer it if we were friends. She pushed me to tell her why it couldn't go further until i said "Well you're just not my type".
> It was pretty excrutiating really but i guess no different from a guy asking me out and me telling him he was not my type. In saying this what would be the point telling someone what they could do to BE your type. Its rediculous arogance really. I agree with fascinita, ask yourself if you would say the kind of things that that particular person was saying to you. If not, then realise they are dicks and move on.
> If this has happened a LOT then maby there is some sort of problem, that perhaps could be sorted out with some tough Fa love! lol
> 
> ...



I have said it before and will say it again: I have noticed that HUGE disconnect on the net.....but I also see it, occasionally, in reality. That scares the hell out of me more than anything I have seen on the net......



Tracyarts said:


> " Erm, there is some weird guy who Pm's me on yahoo(i forgot i put my yahoo addy on here) and the first thing he says is "Hey Babe, how's my supersized princess doing today"??!! "
> 
> I think I have dealt with him too. Or at least somebody very much like him. The one I was dealing with would message me all the time and ask if I had gained weight and when I said no, would get pouty and and say that was too bad that I could be so pretty if I would just gain some weight.
> 
> ...




I have had various troll type PMs throughout my years on the net- not just from a guy that likes bigger women. I have heard stupid crap from a different variety of people. 
In my old age aka wiser time, I have lost patience/surprise/concern for any of these types- quick blocking and stealth settings are now my forte. 

The other night.....I had an ID message me again saying hello- hoping for a response from me. I ignored him- it's a guy that told me that he didn't meet me in yahoo chess and that he just randomly found my ID on the net. I have told him to get lost....he's not on my messenger list....had some not so nice words with him once because I was sick of him IMing me.....yet he still will occasionally try to chat. 
I don't understand why....and I don't know how to get rid of him because I even reported his ID as spam.....yet still get a message occasionally. Best I can figure is that my YIM login ID has several aliases under it....and he might message me as one of my other IDs?

This has gone on with him for years.......why does he keep messaging me on occasion? It's a mystery.....:blink: 





Fascinita said:


> I do think it's worth it to ask people to be careful not to send potentially negative messages to BBW who post here. Most importantly, I think the focus of this forum should remain on the experiences of fat women, and that those who are not fat women need to understand that it may be counter-productive to interject with their own experiences.
> 
> It's a new forum, and it's protected--that is a concept that's a little different from what applies to the rest of the board. So I think we're all trying to find good ways to define the dynamic here. And I think we can all work toward that. Thanks.



I totally agree- we hear enough women-bashing out in the other forums. Now that we have our own place, it needs to be respected. 



troubadours said:


> any guy who tells a girl she's too small is a real douche. i bet he would get in a real tizzy if a girl insinuated the same about him. amirite
> 
> "At some point you realize you don't need to be attractive to all men, just one that you want to be with and it stops mattering."
> 
> that is also too true.



Yep, women that criticize a man's "size" is automatically demoted to "man-hating bitch" status by some males...yet some males seem to feel entitled to tell us what size we need to be. :blink: 




Theotherone said:


> 1) A lot of folks navigating the FA/BBW dating intersect will be inept. There are few models of correct FA behavior to be found in the greater world. One of the benefits of a thread like this is that it provides a tutorial for those willing to take in the lesson.
> 
> 2) FA/BBW relationships are going to be strongly monkey-brain driven since their underlying foundation is physical attributes. BBWs need to remind FAs that their money-natures need to stay caged until boyfriend/girlfriend status is achieved.



IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.......have issue with these two. :blink:

1.No role models of correct FA behavior? Does that mean there are no good examples in the world of good behavior from people that prefer thin partners? It's the same.....just a different preference. Fat people- we are part of the human race. Treat us as such and it will probably be okay.....

2.Thin partner relationships aren't built on the physical, too?

Being attracted to fat people.....it's normal. If you feel that it isn't, then that seems to be the problem- not the fat people whom you seek. 



kayrae said:


> Kevin, when "Person A" is helping "Person B" from another chatter who disgustingly PMs them... um, I don't consider that bullying. It's called defending another person from sexual harassment. Gripe about it if you want. But I barely go into the chatroom and I still get unsolicited sexual messages from other chatters and I appreciate the help.
> 
> And, yes, most of the "you're too small" comments I've gotten come from the chatroom.



Yep, yep. 



wrestlingguy said:


> There's some truth to that, Kev. HOWEVER, let's take it the opposite way, and give me your thoughts.
> 
> You go into the chatroom called "Girls Who Love Big Penis". You get a handle, and jump into the fray. You're pretty confident that you have this big monster that no one's seen before. In your eyes, most women are afraid of it..............
> that is, until you begin to chat.
> ...



Shame on you Phil.

Really........


Why did you get me all hot and bothered with a fake URL? :doh: 

Meanie......


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## BubbleButtBabe (Jul 30, 2009)

GEF you and the other ladies can go into your YIM and set it to where only people on your list can IM you..Open the YIM ,click on messenger at the top,scroll down and click on preferences,click on ignore list and then check the box that say ignore anyone not on my list..It works great...Even if someone finds me by accident on line and wants to chat with me..It is not going to happen..They can't even leave me an offline..


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## exile in thighville (Jul 31, 2009)

mossystate said:


> As long as you keep it in PM...cool.



lay down the rules moddystate

angel - feeders are none of your business

it's totally acceptable to turn down a guy for having a small penis, just like it is to turn down a girl who's too big/small. it's not nice or good buzz for your character but if it's important to you, don't be ashamed to be honest. it helps to not be a jerk about it.


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## Cors (Jul 31, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Shame on you Phil.
> 
> Really........
> 
> ...



Hello lovely, plenty of hung men (7" and up, quite a few in the double digits too) waiting for you at the Large Penis Support Group!


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## kayrae (Jul 31, 2009)

Woah... I didn't know there would be support groups for that. I guess it proves the point that some will be made to feel small while others who are big will still need support. Cool link, Cors.


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## katorade (Jul 31, 2009)

I wonder how many of them actually go to that group thinking that someone has invented an actual support system, like a bra for their huge penii. One would imagine those things could get pretty heavy and cause some sag.


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## crayola box (Jul 31, 2009)

katorade said:


> I wonder how many of them actually go to that group thinking that someone has invented an actual support system, like a bra for their huge penii. One would imagine those things could get pretty heavy and cause some sag.



Oh my gosh I laughed so hard at this . In my head this looks like some sort of sling that hangs from your neck and keeps it....up- for lack of a better word.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Jul 31, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yep, women that criticize a man's "size" is automatically demoted to "man-hating bitch" status by some males...yet some males seem to feel entitled to tell us what size we need to be. :blink:




What I hate more then this is when a man doesn't take the time to get you turned on for sex and then has the nerve to call you a cold bitch...This chaps my ass more then anything..It like,"you idiot just because we kiss and you are ready doesn't mean I am"...If you mention that the way they have sex leaves a lot to be desired not only are you a cold bitch but you are also trying to be a controlling bitch...

Well GEF hon,didn't you know it is our mission in life as women to make sure all men are well taken care of and get what ever their hearts desires..(snickers)

I didn't post that for men to jump up and down and scream foul,it's a joke..


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## Angel (Jul 31, 2009)

exile in thighville said:


> angel - feeders are none of your business



laughing 




.....and smiling


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 31, 2009)

Cors said:


> Hello lovely, plenty of hung men (7" and up, quite a few in the double digits too) waiting for you at the Large Penis Support Group!






kayrae said:


> Woah... I didn't know there would be support groups for that. I guess it proves the point that some will be made to feel small while others who are big will still need support. Cool link, Cors.



I really love the new series on HBO called Hung........I'm not kidding. I thought about making a thread about it, like the True Blood thread, but thought people might think I was joking again. 



BubbleButtBabe said:


> What I hate more then this is when a man doesn't take the time to get you turned on for sex and then has the nerve to call you a cold bitch...This chaps my ass more then anything..It like,"you idiot just because we kiss and you are ready doesn't mean I am"...If you mention that the way they have sex leaves a lot to be desired not only are you a cold bitch but you are also trying to be a controlling bitch...
> 
> Well GEF hon,didn't you know it is our mission in life as women to make sure all men are well taken care of and get what ever their hearts desires..(snickers)
> 
> I didn't post that for men to jump up and down and scream foul,it's a joke..




You might be joking.........but I really am a controlling bitch  

9 out of ten exes preferred it......



>


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 31, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I really love the new series on HBO called Hung........I'm not kidding. I thought about making a thread about it, like the True Blood thread, but thought people might think I was joking again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I've watched a few of these, I kinda like the show myself!


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## Angel (Aug 1, 2009)

To the person who keeps linking others to this thread because of my posts:

You obviously do not know me.

My posts were not meant to be offensive towards anyone.

If you have a problem with what I posted, or don't understand the reasonings behind my posts, PM me, or better yet, start a thread in the other forum and link me to it.

Let the women here who have been made to feel like they are too small for Dimensions, or who have been made to feel like they aren't fat enough, or who have been made to feel like once again they just don't fit in due to such comments have their place to talk amongst themselves.


Thank you.


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