# What's most important?



## BigElectricKat (Jul 3, 2017)

I've got a question that has been bugging me ever since I joined this community (which hasn't been that long).

What is the most important characteristic when choosing a potential mate/spouse/significant other? Or just someone simply to date or get to know? 

BEFORE YOU ANSWER!
I know that it usually takes more than one criteria for a person to be found worthy to spend your time, love, compassion, and intimacy with. But what I'm asking is, what is that one, single thing that, for you gets the ball rolling? What's that one thing that intrigues you enough to want to invest more time in getting to know that person a little more? What is that single thing that you just can't do without? What intrinsic trait do they possess that you just must have in your life?

No need to be politically correct (although most of the folks whose posts I've read aren't concerned with that anyway). 

I'd like to thank any who answer in advance. Thanks!!


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## Ned Sonntag (Jul 3, 2017)

Those really deep swirly:eat2: and complicated elbow-dimple-area formations:shocked:. The goodness:bounce: all radiates outward:blush: from there...


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jul 3, 2017)

Character. Will this person be honest with me? Is she compassionate or self-centered? Generous -- not just with money, but with her time and attention -- or greedy? Resourceful or a drama queen? Independent or a clinging vine? Beauty and youth are charming, but they don't last; integrity does.


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 4, 2017)

Ned Sonntag said:


> Those really deep swirly:eat2: and complicated elbow-dimple-area formations:shocked:. The goodness:bounce: all radiates outward:blush: from there...



I certainly like that you've mentioned something that's very specific and certainly fits within the context of the question. I will endeavor to pay more attention to that area from now on. Thanks for your post!


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 4, 2017)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> Character. Will this person be honest with me? Is she compassionate or self-centered? Generous -- not just with money, but with her time and attention -- or greedy? Resourceful or a drama queen? Independent or a clinging vine? Beauty and youth are charming, but they don't last; integrity does.



You make a very valid point: A person's character is the one thing that can't be covered by makeup, hidden by clothing, or enhanced by surgery. Thanks for the post!


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## TwoSwords (Jul 4, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I've got a question that has been bugging me ever since I joined this community (which hasn't been that long).
> 
> What is the most important characteristic when choosing a potential mate/spouse/significant other? Or just someone simply to date or get to know?
> 
> ...



I honestly don't know. I don't think there is a single one. I have at least four, without which no relationship can even get off the ground. But, in order of importance...

Ethics/Honesty
Maturity/Self-Control
A Sympathetic Appreciation of My Feelings
Softness

Know that the least important of these, if discarded, will make the whole relationship pointless. These are the bare minimum. Relationships are costly, time-consuming and difficult, and these, at least, must be present to make them worth it. Ethics and Honesty alone won't do. A person can be honest and ethical about how much they think I'm a weirdo, and none of the others is sufficient if the person is likely to stab me in the back. All must be present.


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## Tad (Jul 24, 2017)

I ended up marrying the first woman I seriously dated, so I don't really have a big enough data set to say 'this is the thing that made things move along.' 

In my one real relationship, to be honest, it all started as an intent to date casually, and built from there (up until then I'd been looking for 'the one', then one day it occurred to me that when I did meet 'the one' it might be good to have at least basic dating skills so that I didn't scare them away, and so I set out to find some fairly casual dates. I managed to fail spectacularly well at that plan). At that, there wasn't a single moment where I knew we'd gone from casual to serious, it was very much a progression. 

So I'm going to have to go with 'serendipity.' Along with its cousin 'creating / being- open-to opportunity.'


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## Jeannie (Jul 24, 2017)

A sense of humor. A sweet sense of humor. One who isn't mean spirited and dark, or ugly. 

Of course I want to be with someone I know I can trust. Honesty is huge. Someone kind and thoughtful. I like to be with confident, optimistic, and loving people.

But, if I'm laughing, that's the first foot in the door.


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## tonynyc (Jul 25, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> what is that one, single thing that, for you gets the ball rolling?
> 
> I'd like to thank any who answer in advance. Thanks!!


 


TwoSwords said:


> I honestly don't know. I don't think there is a single one. I have at least four, without which no relationship can even get off the ground. But, in order of importance...
> 
> Ethics/Honesty
> Maturity/Self-Control
> ...


 
*BigElectricKat :*
Interesting question-but, for me I see it as two parts...

1. If you are looking for the one single thing that gets the ball rolling... there has to be some level of physical and then intellectual attraction (something about the person that captures/sustains your interest. To proceed further). This is what would get my attention at first...

2. Now what sustains the relationship can be other qualities that come to play that Jeannie, Tad, TwoSwords and Dr. Feelgood have mentioned. Ned's answer would relate more to my first point....


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## plushkitty (Jul 25, 2017)

Someone who makes me happy and can keep up with me intellectually. I have a pretty wide range of tastes, physically speaking; fat or thin, male or female, any color that human beings come in, they can all be beautiful in their own way. The part that really gets me going is when I just feel better being around them. When I can talk with them about everything and nothing, when I can geek out talking about science and they'll tell me things I didn't already know, when they let me help them when they need it and they're willing to help me when I need it. When they make me laugh, make me smile, make me want to hug them and if I do they hug me back. When I can be vulnerable around them and trust that they won't take advantage of me. And when we fight, we can work through our issues like adults and fix the problem.

Oh, and someone who doesn't have or want kids. Kids are a dealbreaker for me. They can be cute and fun and amusing, I wish the children of the world all the best, I just don't want to live with one. I would walk away from Mr. or Ms. Right if they had their heart set on kids, because I wouldn't want to deprive them of something important to them but I also want to be true to myself.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 29, 2017)

*Being able to trust him- with most things

*He must treat me well and not take me for granted

*He has to appreciate me the way I am

These should be no brainers, IMO, but can be elusive


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## Blockierer (Jul 30, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> ... What is that single thing that you just can't do without? What intrinsic trait do they possess that you just must have in your life?...


To be honest, the lady must be fat. Sorry for that answer but I'm exclusively into fat women.


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## Jack Secret (Aug 1, 2017)

Someone who is inspiring to me. Where something about her makes me want to be better than who I am. That make any sense?


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## TwoSwords (Aug 3, 2017)

Jack Secret said:


> Someone who is inspiring to me. Where something about her makes me want to be better than who I am. That make any sense?



I think most people understand inspiration on some level. It's just that different things tend to inspire different people, so in practice, it's a bit hard to manufacture that.

Essentially, though, I agree. All the criteria I gave are needed for me to feel inspired as well.


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## Blackjack (Aug 3, 2017)

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear da lamentations of da women.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 4, 2017)

Jeannie said:


> A sense of humor. A sweet sense of humor. One who isn't mean spirited and dark, or ugly.
> 
> Of course I want to be with someone I know I can trust. Honesty is huge. Someone kind and thoughtful. I like to be with confident, optimistic, and loving people.
> 
> But, if I'm laughing, that's the first foot in the door.



I think that a sense of humor is very important. You ever notice that when you are around someone who makes you laugh, they seem to bbecome more attractive to you?
Thanks for responding.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 4, 2017)

Blockierer said:


> To be honest, the lady must be fat. Sorry for that answer but I'm exclusively into fat women.



So, any fat woman will do? That is the only thing that will be special about her? That's odd to me (but what do I know, right?). Being fat doesn't make a person special. Neither does being blonde, tall, black, fit, flat chested, having a nice car, having two ears, or having a big butt make you special. *Ummm... maybe the butt thing is sorta special, especially if it has some nice shape and motion when she walks! but I digress*

I only ask this because, how is your woman supposed to feel happy, safe, special, and secure if all you care about is that a woman is fat? So,the next fat gal that comes walking/riding down the street, you'll dump your current and go after a new one? I'm just asking.


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## fuelingfire (Aug 6, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> So, any fat woman will do? That is the only thing that will be special about her? That's odd to me (but what do I know, right?). Being fat doesn't make a person special. Neither does being blonde, tall, black, fit, flat chested, having a nice car, having two ears, or having a big butt make you special. *Ummm... maybe the butt thing is sorta special, especially if it has some nice shape and motion when she walks! but I digress*
> 
> I only ask this because, how is your woman supposed to feel happy, safe, special, and secure if all you care about is that a woman is fat? So,the next fat gal that comes walking/riding down the street, you'll dump your current and go after a new one? I'm just asking.



I am in the same boat as Blockierer. I exclusively find fat women attractive. Not that there is an exact size, more of a range. In your original post what you said is implying single criteria. Were you implying personality traits?


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## Blockierer (Aug 6, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> So, any fat woman will do? That is the only thing that will be special about her? That's odd to me (but what do I know, right?). Being fat doesn't make a person special. Neither does being blonde, tall, black, fit, flat chested, having a nice car, having two ears, or having a big butt make you special. *Ummm... maybe the butt thing is sorta special, especially if it has some nice shape and motion when she walks! but I digress*
> 
> I only ask this because, how is your woman supposed to feel happy, safe, special, and secure if all you care about is that a woman is fat? So,the next fat gal that comes walking/riding down the street, you'll dump your current and go after a new one? I'm just asking.


It has always been a dream of mine to be the lover of a fat lady. In 2003, my wife found my add/pic in a dating-site where I was looking for a long-term relationship with a fat woman. We got married 6 years later. 
Just to mention, I'm in love with this woman for 14 years now.


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## DragonFly (Aug 6, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> So, any fat woman will do? That is the only thing that will be special about her? That's odd to me (but what do I know, right?). Being fat doesn't make a person special. Neither does being blonde, tall, black, fit, flat chested, having a nice car, having two ears, or having a big butt make you special. *Ummm... maybe the butt thing is sorta special, especially if it has some nice shape and motion when she walks! but I digress*
> 
> I only ask this because, how is your woman supposed to feel happy, safe, special, and secure if all you care about is that a woman is fat? So,the next fat gal that comes walking/riding down the street, you'll dump your current and go after a new one? I'm just asking.



I'm going to chime in here.... if you are asking for one thing that has to be there to be considered. It is kind of like you having to be a certain height to ride a ride. In a world of billions of people I guess you could say that the one criteria that you would have to have is alive (dead is pretty creepy but I'm not judging anyone's kink). I think saying fat is an acceptable must have. My guy totally ignored any female that was not heavy. Most heavy women recieved at least a glance. He just couldn't not. I was not insecure about it at all. I knew that is what he liked.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 7, 2017)

DragonFly said:


> I'm going to chime in here.... if you are asking for one thing that has to be there to be considered. It is kind of like you having to be a certain height to ride a ride. In a world of billions of people I guess you could say that the one criteria that you would have to have is alive (dead is pretty creepy but I'm not judging anyone's kink). I think saying fat is an acceptable must have. My guy totally ignored any female that was not heavy. Most heavy women recieved at least a glance. He just couldn't not. I was not insecure about it at all. I knew that is what he liked.



I suppose that I should have been more clear, so I'll certainly own up to my mistake when posting something that could be taken as ambiguous. I should have specified a character trait or unique characteristic. 

But in my defense, given the nature of this this website, I assumed (there's where I got into trouble, right there) that larger ladies/gentlemen were a given and that people wuld choose to focus on something not as obvious. So, I am at fault for not making that clear.


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## fuelingfire (Aug 7, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I suppose that I should have been more clear, so I'll certainly own up to my mistake when posting something that could be taken as ambiguous. I should have specified a character trait or unique characteristic.
> 
> But in my defense, given the nature of this this website, I assumed (there's where I got into trouble, right there) that larger ladies/gentlemen were a given and that people wuld choose to focus on something not as obvious. So, I am at fault for not making that clear.



There is not any fault. It happens. All of your posts have been genuine, that I have seen at least.


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## DragonFly (Aug 7, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> I suppose that I should have been more clear, so I'll certainly own up to my mistake when posting something that could be taken as ambiguous. I should have specified a character trait or unique characteristic.
> 
> But in my defense, given the nature of this this website, I assumed (there's where I got into trouble, right there) that larger ladies/gentlemen were a given and that people wuld choose to focus on something not as obvious. So, I am at fault for not making that clear.



I totally agree with Fuelingfire, your posts have been great. I just wanted to put in my support for what Blockieier said. It gets even more confusing when you smash together all the different cultures, languages and whatnot. I think that there is an issue in that some people fall in love or are in relationships with someone who might not be their ideal fantasy mate. In my limited expierence I have come accross people that fantasize about a super sized partner but in reality are with a much smaller bbw. So maybe it could be that a great sense of humor or a strong belief in a particular faith is the first cut of your sorting for a life mate.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 7, 2017)

fuelingfire said:


> There is not any fault. It happens. All of your posts have been genuine, that I have seen at least.



I have to say that I am enjoying all of this discovery for myself. As a person who may have not started out as FA (and truthfully probaly has a long way to go before fully embracing that designation), I can say that I have never excluded curvier women from my dating preferences. Over time, I have come to be very outspoken in my little corner of the world for body positivity and Fat Acceptance. Certainly, for my own preferences, I've started to notice that I see more of the beauty (notice I said beauty and not booty) of arger women. And being honest (I know this sounds cliche') a woman's true beauty comes from within. You really have to like/love who they are at their core if there is any chance of having a relationship.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 7, 2017)

DragonFly said:


> I totally agree with Fuelingfire, your posts have been great. I just wanted to put in my support for what Blockieier said. It gets even more confusing when you smash together all the different cultures, languages and whatnot. I think that there is an issue in that some people fall in love or are in relationships with someone who might not be their ideal fantasy mate. In my limited expierence I have come accross people that fantasize about a super sized partner but in reality are with a much smaller bbw. So maybe it could be that a great sense of humor or a strong belief in a particular faith is the first cut of your sorting for a life mate.



No I get it. I have a bad habit of taking offense to certain things and not really expressing myself in a clearly. I want to go on record as apologizing to Blockieier. Didn't mean to offend at all. I used to be attracted only to redheads.But I met a really nice gal who wasn't and we had a great relationship for a while. I stopped making that a prerequisite after that. Because truly, it's what is inside that counts. If a gal is beautiful and has a smoking hot body (whatever you deem that as being) but is as dim as a candle and is very vanilla in a passionate sense, then why would I want to be with her? Get me? On the other hand, there's a gal out there who may not fit what I think is ideal as far a looks are concerned but she has a beautiful, intelligent mind and is a little on the freaky side and it just so interesting. Am I not going to consider her just because she's not a redhead?

Now that I think about it, I guess I do have a tendancy to date smart girls. So maybe I better shut my cake hole about now giving certain types a chance.


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## Blockierer (Aug 8, 2017)

DragonFly said:


> I'm going to chime in here.... if you are asking for one thing that has to be there to be considered. It is kind of like you having to be a certain height to ride a ride. In a world of billions of people I guess you could say that the one criteria that you would have to have is alive (dead is pretty creepy but I'm not judging anyone's kink). I think saying fat is an acceptable must have. My guy totally ignored any female that was not heavy. Most heavy women recieved at least a glance. He just couldn't not. I was not insecure about it at all. I knew that is what he liked.


Thanks for the support! 
Such contributions are encouraging for unconfident FAs.


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## Blockierer (Aug 8, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> No I get it. I have a bad habit of taking offense to certain things and not really expressing myself in a clearly. I want to go on record as apologizing to Blockieier. Didn't mean to offend at all. I used to be attracted only to redheads.But I met a really nice gal who wasn't and we had a great relationship for a while. I stopped making that a prerequisite after that.. ...


There isn't an apology needed.  This is a forum for FA/BBW and we discuss about physical characteristics sometimes. If it'd be a forum for hairstyling and -colour we'd talk about those stuff. 
Anyway, controversial post are mostly enlightening. 
Thanks for your posts.


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## Tad (Aug 10, 2017)

BigElectricKat said:


> So, any fat woman will do? That is the only thing that will be special about her? That's odd to me (but what do I know, right?). Being fat doesn't make a person special. Neither does being blonde, tall, black, fit, flat chested, having a nice car, having two ears, or having a big butt make you special. *Ummm... maybe the butt thing is sorta special, especially if it has some nice shape and motion when she walks! but I digress*
> 
> I only ask this because, how is your woman supposed to feel happy, safe, special, and secure if all you care about is that a woman is fat? So,the next fat gal that comes walking/riding down the street, you'll dump your current and go after a new one? I'm just asking.



To simplify somewhat, I think we tend to have two sorts of criteria: requirements and attractors. Requirements are sort of a go-no-go type thing, while attractors are more of a how many points do you get for this type of thing. 

To make a simplistic analogy, I remember a co-worker, whose third child was on the way, discovering that he could no-way, no-how, fit three child seats into the back of his current car, so he had to go shopping for a new ride. Can fit three child seats was a requirement, he wasnt even going to spend time looking at anything that didnt look likely to meet that criteria. From the class of vehicles that passed that test, he had preferences around size, fuel economy, expected reliability, safety, price, and technological features (he isnt one who cared that much about speed or handling, but hes a gadget nut). Although he probably didnt do a formal pointing exercise (although he is an engineer, so he might have ), at the very least informally you could imagine a vehicle getting a certain number of points for having great fuel economy, (perhaps some extra ones if it was a hybrid  a technological feature), some for being rated as particularly safe and likewise reliable, maybe a few for separate rear-seat climate controls, and so on.

So what was most important to him? You could say can hold three child seats because that was the strongest cut off factor, but then you might ask What, you dont care if is a gas-guzzling piece of junk, so long as it is big enough for that? but that clearly was not the case. Or you could try to figure out which aspect was winning cars the most (informal) points with him, and say that that was the most important  but again that could be attacked by simplifying and reductio ad absurdum (well then why dont you get a motorcycle if fuel economy is the most important thing to you?

I think it can be somewhat similar with people. There are things that just rule out some people, for some people. They wont get involved with, or will only get involved with, ________ (fill in the blank, i.e. a particular gender, smokers, divorced people, virgins, single parents, sports fans, people outside their culture, etc). Within those bounds they may still have strong preferences (they love a foreign accent, prefer a tall partner, get a little excited by a big paycheque, tend to like certain hair or skin tones, shared kinks, totally give bonus points for wordplay, etc), but those are more here are good things to have, but I wont rule you out for not having them.

Some FA have fat as a requirement. Some dont have it as a requirement but do give points for fatness amongst those that meet their other requirements. Both are totally reasonable ways to approach things, although as always some self-examination to consider such things tends to be helpful.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 10, 2017)

Tad said:


> To simplify somewhat, I think we tend to have two sorts of criteria: requirements and attractors. Requirements are sort of a go-no-go type thing, while attractors are more of a how many points do you get for this type of thing.
> 
> To make a simplistic analogy, I remember a co-worker, whose third child was on the way, discovering that he could no-way, no-how, fit three child seats into the back of his current car, so he had to go shopping for a new ride. Can fit three child seats was a requirement, he wasnt even going to spend time looking at anything that didnt look likely to meet that criteria. From the class of vehicles that passed that test, he had preferences around size, fuel economy, expected reliability, safety, price, and technological features (he isnt one who cared that much about speed or handling, but hes a gadget nut). Although he probably didnt do a formal pointing exercise (although he is an engineer, so he might have ), at the very least informally you could imagine a vehicle getting a certain number of points for having great fuel economy, (perhaps some extra ones if it was a hybrid  a technological feature), some for being rated as particularly safe and likewise reliable, maybe a few for separate rear-seat climate controls, and so on.
> 
> ...



This is probably the most insightful and concise post on this subject thread! It totally sums up AND puts into context what I was trying, rather clumsily, to get at.

To be fair, I did apologize to Block for get all testy about the subject. 

You make a valid point though. I remember dating a big girl and some of my friends and acquaintances couldn't believe that I was. I told them look, she checks all the blocks that are important to me (and then some). So, that car features analogy works! Thanks for the input.:bow:


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