# Hmm yeah idk if this belongs here. any of yall do this?



## SoliloquyOfaSiren (Jan 9, 2009)

Okay first I'm a FFA. That being said I am not into gaining weight myself. But I do have periods where the fat that I do have on my body rly turns me on and i think bout gaining weight. But i also have periods where Ill go days without eating or ill eat normally and purge. no i dont want to be a twig or anything. I honestly dont know why i do. I love BHM and admire BBW as well, so idk why I do this. like its been bad....lowest weight recently is 103. im 140 now. idk, if anyones got some insight thatd be great cause im reaaaaalllll cunfuzzled

XOXO
Audrey


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## Risible (Jan 10, 2009)

Is your question why do you purge? Probably no one has the answer to that except the professionals - and I would get thee to one. Purging is all kinds of bad to the body and mind.


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 10, 2009)

What's "idk"?


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## Risible (Jan 10, 2009)

I'm guessing, Vicks, that it's "I don't know".


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## Cors (Jan 10, 2009)

I think her question is if other FAs and FFAs have issues with their size too, and if it is possible to admire fat on others, but not on themselves. She is also wondering if there are other FAs or FFAs who do not like being fat themselves who fantasize about gaining. 

Anyway, OP, I think you might like to check out this thread.


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 10, 2009)

Risible said:


> I'm guessing, Vicks, that it's "I don't know".



Ohhhh. Okay. Me = old.


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## MsGreenLantern (Jan 10, 2009)

Risible said:


> Is your question why do you purge? Probably no one has the answer to that except the professionals - and I would get thee to one. Purging is all kinds of bad to the body and mind.



Agreed. Get some help with your body image. Bulimia is not the answer. Fat: When you want it gone... exercise, when you want it there... eat wisely.


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## SoliloquyOfaSiren (Jan 11, 2009)

lol no i know why i purge. I just dont get how I can like being fat myself at times, and then like an hour or so later i get all down about it. and when i go through my fasting/purging periods, i exercise on top of that. and ive gotten treatment before...i just dont benefit from it bc i dont think i meet the means of someone with poor body image. 

and idk=i dont know lol *applauds. and you're not old....there's always times when internet lingo/abbreviations are new to us 

soooo im guessin im alone on this one haha....im an odd one what can i say


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## Tad (Jan 13, 2009)

I'm guessing you are not alone at all, in at least the general sense of having mixed feelings about being fat. 

- I know at least a couple of other FFA have talked about having gained at some point, and liking it in some ways, but then deciding it was wrong for them and being unhappy about having gained. (Have you read the "OK for him but not for me" thread on the FFA/BHM board?)

- A lot of people have mixed feelings about their body, for all sorts of different reasons. It is common that depending on the circumstances, how they are feeling, what they are doing, that they may be good with their body or totally down on it.

- Speaking for myself, I'm somewhat fat (obese by the medical charts, but small by BHM standards), and I'm also an FA. There are times that I love what roundness and softness I have, and times I feel like a grotesque slug. These times may be only an hour apart. Probably the difference between us there is that I tend not to modify my behavior too dramatically based on how I'm feeling at the time, but I think that is must part of my personality that is random, if I was more inclined to dramatic changes I'd probably be changing a lot.

So yah, I don't think you are all that unique in this matter. Your details may be, but not the general condition.


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## Hole (Jan 13, 2009)

SoliloquyOfaSiren said:


> lol no i know why i purge. I just dont get how I can like being fat myself at times, and then like an hour or so later i get all down about it. and when i go through my fasting/purging periods, i exercise on top of that. and ive gotten treatment before...i just dont benefit from it bc i dont think i meet the means of someone with poor body image.
> 
> and idk=i dont know lol *applauds. and you're not old....there's always times when internet lingo/abbreviations are new to us
> 
> soooo im guessin im alone on this one haha....im an odd one what can i say



You deserve treatment no matter how much you weigh. Problem is even though it may be sort of okay at the start,manageable if you will, it easily turns very ugly.I've been diagnosed with EDNOS. I dabble in everything. I binge, I vomit, I starve, I restrict, I abuse laxatives.. etc. I'm not underweight at all but my doc still wants me to go to rehab.I'm currently in therapy and on meds. If you need to talk, I'm here.. I know how the struggle too well. *hugs*


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## SoliloquyOfaSiren (Jan 14, 2009)

Hole said:


> You deserve treatment no matter how much you weigh. Problem is even though it may be sort of okay at the start,manageable if you will, it easily turns very ugly.I've been diagnosed with EDNOS. I dabble in everything. I binge, I vomit, I starve, I restrict, I abuse laxatives.. etc. I'm not underweight at all but my doc still wants me to go to rehab.I'm currently in therapy and on meds. If you need to talk, I'm here.. I know how the struggle too well. *hugs*




Ive been doing this for nearly 7 years and have done rehab twice (Freshman year when I hit 68 pounds and last year when i was 86). it dont work. i have been diagnosed as both multiple times. now i just do whatever....

like it just doesnt work for me. but its nice to know im not alone, although not nice that you do that. I do suggest you get help though. However i dont advise inpatient for your situation, i'd suggest outpatient therapy....by what u just described that to me seems to be the appropriate measures to getting you healthy. however im not an expertobviously.....though ive been in almost every treatment program i could be lol.

i wish you the best dear none the less. its best to nip it in the butt early. i went 2 years fasting, exercising compulsively, purging, and using duiretics before anyone thought something was odd.

and here we have an 18 yr old with horrible self image and an addiction haha. please get help Hole. I'm rooting for u


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## Hole (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks sweety pie. I honestly can't remember a time where I had a normal relationship with food. To put it simply, it's very love/hate. I've been doing this for about the same time myself. I have never been underweight which is part of the reason why I sort of get away with it with family and friends.
When I say get away, I mean no one has forced me into rehab or treatment. I made the choice to get help myself, especially when it started affecting my relationships. I went to a nutritionist and saw her ONCE. Everything she said was trigerring to me. She said I looked healthy, which ofcourse in my messed up mind means bad things. I'm sure you know what I mean. I told her I wanted to get down to a certain weight and she said oh we can even go lower than that. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough until I was thin.
This may seem silly to an outsider but to someone with my mind, it makes sense. There are no rebab centres here. I would have to go abroad for that and I can't afford to. I'm a university student, in my last year. And I need to graduate. I consider days where I have something like protein and not throw it up or take laxatives a good day. I take my meds. I used to be irresponsible and careless with that.. But no one is going to get me out of this but me. 



SoliloquyOfaSiren said:


> Ive been doing this for nearly 7 years and have done rehab twice (Freshman year when I hit 68 pounds and last year when i was 86). it dont work. i have been diagnosed as both multiple times. now i just do whatever....
> 
> like it just doesnt work for me. but its nice to know im not alone, although not nice that you do that. I do suggest you get help though. However i dont advise inpatient for your situation, i'd suggest outpatient therapy....by what u just described that to me seems to be the appropriate measures to getting you healthy. however im not an expertobviously.....though ive been in almost every treatment program i could be lol.
> 
> ...


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## SoliloquyOfaSiren (Jan 14, 2009)

Hole said:


> Thanks sweety pie. I honestly can't remember a time where I had a normal relationship with food. To put it simply, it's very love/hate. I've been doing this for about the same time myself. I have never been underweight which is part of the reason why I sort of get away with it with family and friends.
> When I say get away, I mean no one has forced me into rehab or treatment. I made the choice to get help myself, especially when it started affecting my relationships. I went to a nutritionist and saw her ONCE. Everything she said was trigerring to me. She said I looked healthy, which ofcourse in my messed up mind means bad things. I'm sure you know what I mean. I told her I wanted to get down to a certain weight and she said oh we can even go lower than that. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough until I was thin.
> This may seem silly to an outsider but to someone with my mind, it makes sense. There are no rebab centres here. I would have to go abroad for that and I can't afford to. I'm a university student, in my last year. And I need to graduate. I consider days where I have something like protein and not throw it up or take laxatives a good day. I take my meds. I used to be irresponsible and careless with that.. But no one is going to get me out of this but me.



seriously dear u need to stop....it will mess you up so bad. my teeth have been redone twice because the constant purging ate away my enamel. and other things such as I have heart issues. and i have the bone density of a 60 year old. you're a beautiful girl. you dont need to be doing this dear. i know you cant just quit, i know, but honestly you are way too good to be doing this. and outpatient is basically rehab but not within a place u would stay....ud go for therapy and weigh ins and health monitoring. in patient is for those who are severely underweight....not diminishing your issue, just telling you it is. because its the same therapy, but they are there because the risk of cardiac arrest is huge.

so i wish you the best in your journey.....be proud of yourself for getting help.

((NOTE: i hadnt weighed myself in a while.....and the scale was off. my doctors scale read 119. sooo my ancient home scale was waaaaaaay off haha))


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## ChubbyBlackSista (Jan 24, 2009)

Don't feel like an outcast it probably turns a lot of women on for the fat that they have on their body


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