# So lost and confused...help/advice appreciated



## JGolf (Dec 31, 2011)

So when I was in my freshman year of high school I became friends with a girl who was a BBW. I have always been an FA and am not attracted to thin girls at all. She weighed 250 lbs and was beautiful, but she also had an amazing personality. She was the coolest girl and I had huge feelings for her, but I never had the courage to tell her how I felt. By the time she graduated she was a 350 lb SSBBW (though she didnt think so) She was accepted into a study-abroad program. She left in August 2006. We kept in touch. We emailed almost every day, talked on MSN, and sent each other parcels. We talked about what life would be like if we were together, but never went past being friends. 

My feelings never went away, and after she graduated and said she was coming home in August, I decided to tell her. Along with her family and some of her friends I went to meet her at the airport. When she came off the plane I was shocked. She weighs 140 pounds. The entire time she was away she never mentioned any weight loss, and all the pictures she sent or put on Facebook never had her in them. When we had a chance to talk she said she was tired of being unhappy. The day she went away she began eating less/healthier and exercising. Over the next 18 months she lost 200 lbs. She kept the weight off for 2 full years, and 6 months ago she had 10 lbs of excess skin removed and a full body lift/tuck. Besides her family and one girlfriend she didnt tell anyone because she was afraid of failing and everyone knowing. I didnt know what to say, but I wasnt attracted to her anymore.

I am absolutely sick over this. I am so in love with her but am not physically attracted to her anymore. Not one bit. She is thin, only a B cup now and has a flat, 6-pack stomach. Her appearance is what the mainstream calls hot She still has her down to earth personality and I can see she is truly happy with herself for the first time. She also hinted she would like to be more than friends. But as shallow as it is I find her looks ugly to me. I dont mean to be harsh, I will always love her as a friend, but I am only attracted to BBW and SSBBW. I would never try to change her because I see how happy she is, and I realize this is my problem, but this whole situation is killing me because if she were big I would be with her in a second. It has been months and I can barely eat or sleep and I dont want to change her or hurt her feelings by telling her how I really feel but I dont know how to get over this or my feelings for her.


----------



## imfree (Dec 31, 2011)

I'm an FA, myself, so I would feel very ill, myself, in your situation. I would think what your friend accomplished was excruciatingly hard and that she succeeded because she has peace with her own body at her present size. It's not your place to encourage her to go back to being heavy again. You probably shouldn't pursue an intimate relationship with the lady unless you're totally certain you can accept her at her present size. You can't feign being attracted to her if you're not and you don't have the right to change her back These are my opinions only. I'm hardly qualified to counsel. I was the major reason why my own 15 year marriage crashed and burned over similar issues in 1999. My Ex was 260 when we married, got up to around 330, and is nearing half that 260lb weight at the present.


----------



## Marlayna (Dec 31, 2011)

JGolf said:


> So when I was in my freshman year of high school I became friends with a girl who was a BBW. I have always been an FA and am not attracted to thin girls at all. She weighed 250 lbs and was beautiful, but she also had an amazing personality. She was the coolest girl and I had huge feelings for her, but I never had the courage to tell her how I felt. By the time she graduated she was a 350 lb SSBBW (though she didnt think so) She was accepted into a study-abroad program. She left in August 2006. We kept in touch. We emailed almost every day, talked on MSN, and sent each other parcels. We talked about what life would be like if we were together, but never went past being friends.
> 
> My feelings never went away, and after she graduated and said she was coming home in August, I decided to tell her. Along with her family and some of her friends I went to meet her at the airport. When she came off the plane I was shocked. She weighs 140 pounds. The entire time she was away she never mentioned any weight loss, and all the pictures she sent or put on Facebook never had her in them. When we had a chance to talk she said she was tired of being unhappy. The day she went away she began eating less/healthier and exercising. Over the next 18 months she lost 200 lbs. She kept the weight off for 2 full years, and 6 months ago she had 10 lbs of excess skin removed and a full body lift/tuck. Besides her family and one girlfriend she didnt tell anyone because she was afraid of failing and everyone knowing. I didnt know what to say, but I wasnt attracted to her anymore.
> 
> I am absolutely sick over this. I am so in love with her but am not physically attracted to her anymore. Not one bit. She is thin, only a B cup now and has a flat, 6-pack stomach. Her appearance is what the mainstream calls hot She still has her down to earth personality and I can see she is truly happy with herself for the first time. She also hinted she would like to be more than friends. But as shallow as it is I find her looks ugly to me. I dont mean to be harsh, I will always love her as a friend, but I am only attracted to BBW and SSBBW. I would never try to change her because I see how happy she is, and I realize this is my problem, but this whole situation is killing me because if she were big I would be with her in a second. It has been months and I can barely eat or sleep and I dont want to change her or hurt her feelings by telling her how I really feel but I dont know how to get over this or my feelings for her.


Hang in there, there's a good chance she'll gain a lot of it back. I used to be 260 and dieted and exercised down to 115 and had a full body lift and the whole nine yards. Long story short, 10 years later and I'm back to 220. If you really like her, time is on your side. Most people who lose weight put it back on.


----------



## Lamia (Dec 31, 2011)

I can understand where you are coming from and it must be very frustrating. If you are not attracted to her you there is nothing you can do about that and trying to forge ahead with any sort of relationship is unfair to her. I would never want to be with someone who wasn't physically attracted to me, but loved me anyway. That's what parents and friends are. A mate is someone who wants to ravage you and is ALSO your best friend. She deserves that and so do you.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Dec 31, 2011)

JGolf, I think you need to be honest with her. She's your friend, right? She shouldn't, then, be surprised by your preferences and that her new hard body isn't a turn on for you. It's possible that over time you could learn to love her body, because it's part of her, but it's important that you be straightforward with her, from the beginning.

As tempting as it would be to assume that she is going to regain the weight and say nothing, I think that would be an enormous mistake. If she's happier at a lower weight, she is going to keep trying to maintain that weight -- and she may be able to do it. Some of us do, after all. But suppose she does regain the weight and you guys hook up, and then at a future time she decides to lose weight. What then? You'll have to have the same conversation, only it'll be harder because you'll be that much more invested in the relationship.

Just be kind, thoughtful, and above all else, be her friend. This way at least you won't lose the friendship, regardless of where any romantic adventures take you. If your attraction to her is tied to her size, then as much as you care for her things will be difficult. It doesn't make either one of you right or wrong -- it just means maybe you're not right for each other, romantically speaking.

I'm sorry. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. Best of luck to you!


----------



## Tracyarts (Dec 31, 2011)

There is no potential for a (happy and healthy) relationship with this woman. Not real-life outside of a fictional fairytale ending potential, at least.

The advice I'll give you is the same advice I would give to anybody else, under any other circumstances, who is emotionally attached to somebody who is perfect aside from one solid deal-breaker... You have to detach and move on. At least until the time comes that you can only see them as a platonic friend without any pain or longing over what you hope could be. I've had to do it, many of my friends have had to do it, it hurts like hell, but in the end you're better off for having done it.

The thing is, what you want her to be and what she wants to be are two radically different things, and there isn't much room for a mutually satisfying resolution to the conflict. You can hang in there and hope that maybe someday she will regain enough weight that you can be physically attracted to her again AND ALSO maybe she will have a radical turnaround with her personal weight preferences and decide that she is really happier in a heavier body after all AND ALSO maybe she won't ever change her mind and at some point want to re-lose the weight again. But that fairytale ending scenario depends on too many maybes to make it worth an emotional investment.

The ones who are *almost* are always the hardest to walk away from. But you have to keep in mind that *almost* just isn't enough to build a long-term successful relationship with.

Tracy


----------



## bigsexy920 (Dec 31, 2011)

I agree that if you are not 100% sure you want to be with her than you shouldn't Im also not sure that Id tell her that is it because she is thin. 

It sounds like she had some issues accepting her body, like most teens going through HS and than college. It sounds like she was very worried about how people would think of her for failing, to the point that there are no pictures of her posted anywhere. She also had cosmetic surgery as well to look even more acceptable to "the world" 

I think that if you NEVER told her your preference you shouldn't tell her now. If she is your friend - you will support her for the hard work that she did working on herself to become a happy person. (in her eyes). It won't change how you feel by telling her. 


She very well may have been holding back her feelings for you with the idea that you would never want her the way she was. What if part of the reason she lost the weight was to be the best person she could be for you and because you never told her she already was she never knew.


----------



## MissHoney (Dec 31, 2011)

I'm curious to know if she knew of your preference. 
Mutual attraction is a very important part of a relationship, in my opinion. 
I can see how this is hard for you. It sounds like you invested your heart into this for quite awhile. Continue to love her... as a friend.


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Dec 31, 2011)

The wonderful people here have already given you some terrific advice. Telling her or not telling her, that really depends on how you think she'll handle it and what you think it would truly accomplish.

But one thing is that if you love her, you love her, period. That doesn't mean you need to be romantically or sexually involved with her though. It doesn't sounds as if your love for her as a person depended on her weight, just your attraction to her as a romantic partner. [I've heard too many stories of FAs who fell in love with a thin woman and thought they could get past their attraction. Few could. And she deserves someone who loves all of her as she is at any moment in time.]

If possible, please keep your disappointment over her weight loss or hopes for weight gain far from the unconditional love you feel for her and approach her in the spirit of that love. Hard to do, I know, but it's the best way to deal with the conflict without regrets.

Best of luck to you both. This can't be an easy place to be.


----------



## AuntHen (Dec 31, 2011)

Marlayna said:


> Hang in there, there's a good chance she'll gain a lot of it back. I used to be 260 and dieted and exercised down to 115 and had a full body lift and the whole nine yards. Long story short, 10 years later and I'm back to 220. If you really like her, time is on your side. Most people who lose weight put it back on.



I am sorry but this is *not *good advice. It is unrealistic and not fair or healthy to either parties involved.


JGolf, be true to who you are... a major part of what you "loved" about her was her size and the attraction to it. It wouldn't be good or fair to either of you if both of you weren't completely satisified and happy. Be honest and a good *friend *to her. Be happy for her, that she is happy with herself and then move on (romantically). I am sorry it hurts and wish you the best.


----------



## LovelyLiz (Dec 31, 2011)

The bottom line seems to be that this relationship isn't meant to be. Part of what makes a relationship sustainable is that you both have enough of a common view of worthwhile goals and ways of being in the world, and the kind of people you want to be (in a broad sense). Perhaps for her, maintaining a thinner body is one of those things that is really important now - and the thing with that, it isn't something that comes up once in a while, maintaining significant weight loss does require quite a bit of intentionality and daily attention. So it would probably be a regularly occurring source of tension, at least within you.

I don't think there's any need to tell her that you found her hotter before. What would that accomplish? If the time comes that you guys have a very honest conversation about the status of your relationship, and she asks you straightforwardly why you are not interested, I think saying that there isn't physical chemistry for you is saying enough. If she presses it and really seems to want to know, saying that you find yourself attracted to bigger girls would be okay. But I wouldn't lead with that, and I wouldn't even tell her at all unless it really seemed like she needed that specific information to have closure on the situation.


----------



## Jack Secret (Dec 31, 2011)

It wouldn't be fair to either one of you if you became a couple with only half of the ingredients of a good relationship. She deserves to be with someone who loves her AND finds her physically amazing. This is definitely an example of, "sometime love isn't enough".

Try to hang in there. I know this has to hurt


----------



## bigmac (Dec 31, 2011)

How patient are you? There's a greater than 95% probability that she'll gain all the weight back (and likely a little more) within five years.


----------



## PunkyGurly74 (Dec 31, 2011)

bigmac said:


> How patient are you? There's a greater than 95% probability that she'll gain all the weight back (and likely a little more) within five years.



Bigmac - sorry..but, this is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

honestly, when I read this all I could think of Jos's heartbreak over the fact that he found a woman he loved deeply but she could never accept the way she looked. To him, she was sexy as hell, but, she was so miserable.....that has stuck with me. That no matter how much he loved her, her lack of self love due to her weight (hope I remember correctly) vetoed his feelings. 

So, your advice to him is...well, fatties are always fatties, and wait until she gains it back and is miserable, unhappy and hates her body and THEN you can date her??? That is your advice? I'm floored. 


She lost the weight because she was driven to because she was so miserable and she did something about it. I am sorry her body changed into something he is no longer physically attracted to. But, my god, he has an awesome connection with this girl. Celebrate that. I would kill for even a platonic connection like that at the moment. Those do not come by so easily. 

And honestly..he is 22..- he has an entire life ahead of him. (I do hope  )
I do not subscribe to the POV that we only have one soul mate and they live next door. The world is big. And he is emotionally aware...I have no doubt this young man will find love again. Is this is sad at this moment? Yes. Can he mourn? Yes. However, it is not life ending. I am glad he likes big women, but, I don't wish for this girl to regain and be miserable nor for him to sit around and wait for that to happen. All so he can date a woman who will smile on the outside, but, who is secretly dying on the inside.


----------



## KHayes666 (Dec 31, 2011)

Marlayna said:


> Hang in there, there's a good chance she'll gain a lot of it back. I used to be 260 and dieted and exercised down to 115 and had a full body lift and the whole nine yards. Long story short, 10 years later and I'm back to 220. If you really like her, time is on your side. Most people who lose weight put it back on.





bigmac said:


> How patient are you? There's a greater than 95% probability that she'll gain all the weight back (and likely a little more) within five years.



Did you two miss the part where the OP said she was HAPPY at her size? If she's unhappy at a larger weight then hoping she gets fat again will only lead her to be in the same unhappy place he's in right now.

Its harsh but the simple fact is they can't be happy together. He wants her to be fat and she wants to be thin, its toxic for either one of them to lead the other on to think they're happy with the situation.

What needs to happen is he needs to come out and say he likes her fat. If she says "I'm sorry but this is how I want to look" then he either has to accept her for who she is or say goodbye and move on. Its not fair to be in an unfufiling relationship


----------



## Yakatori (Dec 31, 2011)

fat9276 said:


> "_this is *not *good advice. It is unrealistic and not fair or healthy to either parties involved._"





PunkyGurly74 said:


> "_..but, this is just wrong, wrong, wrong._"


View attachment David Ruffin.jpg


If Loving you is Wrong,....


----------



## Saoirse (Dec 31, 2011)

KHayes666 said:


> Did you two miss the part where the OP said she was HAPPY at her size? If she's unhappy at a larger weight then hoping she gets fat again will only lead her to be in the same unhappy place he's in right now.
> 
> Its harsh but the simple fact is they can't be happy together. He wants her to be fat and she wants to be thin, its toxic for either one of them to lead the other on to think they're happy with the situation.
> 
> What needs to happen is he needs to come out and say he likes her fat. If she says "I'm sorry but this is how I want to look" then he either has to accept her for who she is or say goodbye and move on. Its not fair to be in an unfufiling relationship



Never thought Id say this, but I agree with Hayes. Thats some fucked up shit.


----------



## bigmac (Dec 31, 2011)

PunkyGurly74 said:


> So, your advice to him is...well, fatties are always fatties, and wait until she gains it back and is miserable, unhappy and hates her body and THEN you can date her??? That is your advice? I'm floored.



I was just stating a long established fact. I never intended to delve into the psychological implications.

I certainly don't wish either of these young people ill. If this young man is truly in love I would definitely *not* advocate waiting till she's fat again. I would advocate he pursue his love now. 



KHayes666 said:


> Did you two miss the part where the OP said she was HAPPY at her size? If she's unhappy at a larger weight then hoping she gets fat again will only lead her to be in the same unhappy place he's in right now.
> 
> Its harsh but the simple fact is they can't be happy together. He wants her to be fat and she wants to be thin, its toxic for either one of them to lead the other on to think they're happy with the situation.



Happy -- unhappy -- it doesn't matter as in all probability she'll be fat again and will have to deal. Hopefully, as she matures she'll become less resentful of her body.

I agree with you that if their positions harden the relationship will be toxic. However, if he can appreciate her now in her thin state and she can avoid becoming unhappy again as she regains the weight there may be hope.


----------



## imfree (Dec 31, 2011)

KHayes666 said:


> Did you two miss the part where the OP said she was HAPPY at her size? If she's unhappy at a larger weight then hoping she gets fat again will only lead her to be in the same unhappy place he's in right now.
> 
> Its harsh but the simple fact is they can't be happy together. He wants her to be fat and she wants to be thin, its toxic for either one of them to lead the other on to think they're happy with the situation.
> 
> What needs to happen is he needs to come out and say he likes her fat. If she says "I'm sorry but this is how I want to look" then he either has to accept her for who she is or say goodbye and move on. Its not fair to be in an unfufiling relationship





Saoirse said:


> Never thought Id say this, but I agree with Hayes. Thats some fucked up shit.



Yah, really!!! Why would anyone want a relationship with irreconcilable differences from the very git-go???


----------



## liz (di-va) (Dec 31, 2011)

OP: So between 2006 and now, basically, you never saw a photo of her? Or video, or anything?


----------



## JGolf (Dec 31, 2011)

Thank-you everyone for all the replies and advice. I do appreciate it.

The thing is, the part of me that is friends with her doesn't want her to gain the weight back. For the first time since I have known her (and for the first time n her life from what she tells me) she is truly happy. She loves herself and is at peace with herself. She went to therapy for 3 and a half years and worked out her issues in conjunction with her weight loss, and she isn't on some kind of crazy diet, she still eats as much as she used to, just healthy food instead of junk food/fast food. She doesn't count calories or carbs or anything like that. And she is active and does exercise, but not every day.

I know that if she gains it back she will not be happy, she will go back to hating herself she way she used to. I didn't see any pictures of her for 4 years but this was not unusual because she HATED being in pictures and would refuse to be in them. 

She knows I am not into thin women at all. I think she has hinted at being more than friends because we have such good chemistry as friends and are best friends. I don't want to hurt her by telling her that I think she is ugly. And I still love her personality, she is the same down-to-earth, non stuck up girl. She had a tubal and doesn't want to have kids of her own because she wants to foster/adopt. I just can't get past the thin thing. I want to be with her so bad but I find her looks ugly and it's killing me.


----------



## Marlayna (Dec 31, 2011)

bigmac said:


> I was just stating a long established fact. I never intended to delve into the psychological implications.
> 
> I certainly don't wish either of these young people ill. If this young man is truly in love I would definitely *not* advocate waiting till she's fat again. I would advocate he pursue his love now.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely correct on all counts, and it sounds like you've been around enough to know the score.
Being thin and being able to wear the clothes you've loved, but didn't come in your size, is a HUGE rush. The "happiness" of being thin, is something the body doesn't care about when it puts the weight back on.
The statistics for staying thin, once you've been very heavy, isn't good, and I'm pretty shocked that some don't agree.


----------



## MadLordOfMilk (Jan 1, 2012)

Normally, I'd say "just swallow it and move on" rather than rocking the boat when you've already got a great friendship. However, if it's eating you up inside, and you get the impression she wants more, you really ought to sit down and talk to her about it. It'll probably be uncomfortable, all sorts of awkward, and kind of weird, but you pretty much have to man up and talk to her about it or live with keeping it hidden away (which, in this case, sounds like a particularly bad idea).


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 1, 2012)

JGolf said:


> Thank-you everyone for all the replies and advice. I do appreciate it.
> 
> The thing is, the part of me that is friends with her doesn't want her to gain the weight back. For the first time since I have known her (and for the first time n her life from what she tells me) she is truly happy. She loves herself and is at peace with herself. She went to therapy for 3 and a half years and worked out her issues in conjunction with her weight loss, and she isn't on some kind of crazy diet, she still eats as much as she used to, just healthy food instead of junk food/fast food. She doesn't count calories or carbs or anything like that. And she is active and does exercise, but not every day.
> 
> ...



You're a good person, JGolf. You recognize that her happiness is paramount here, and that's a very good thing. 

Unfortunately, you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, no matter how you try.  (I speak from experience.) And a romantic relationship without physical attraction is really just a wonderful friendship. A wonderful friendship is what you all have, and she needs to know that's all it is going to ever be able to be. It will be a HARD conversation to have, but a necessary one. 

I wouldn't suggest telling her that you aren't attracted to her, though. That's not something a woman forgets. Just tell her you care about her, and you love her, and you always treasure her... as a friend. If she asks why, just tell her that as much as you love her, yours is a friendship love rather than a romantic one, and you hope she can understand that as she's very important to you. That's all you need to say.


----------



## mszwebs (Jan 1, 2012)

For Christ's Sake, whatever you do, DO NOT tell her that you think she's UGLY.

You've used that word a number of times. 

I think her looks are ugly. I think she's ugly. I find her looks ugly.

Ugly is a very strong word, and using it will make you look like an asshole.

I highly doubt that she's truly UGLY. She's just no longer attractive to you.

Don't emphasize what you don't like about HER. Just explain to her (or remind if that's the case) of what you DO like. And keep explaining it, nicely and compassionately until she understands.


----------



## mimosa (Jan 1, 2012)

I was married to a man that was not attracted to me for almost 16 years. I felt so terrible through out our whole marriage. I never felt sexy around him. (It wasn't until I came to Dimensions that I started to feel something I had been missing all these years.)

So my personal opinion is to just stay friends with her. Let her go romantically and let her find the man that will appreciate her inner beauty and her new 'hot' body. I think it's good that you were honest with yourself before you made a big mess. 

I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## Sidewinder (Jan 1, 2012)

Happy new year? Its u to you, suggest you check out my post

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1776256#post1776256

Pretty spooky that we joined this site on the same day and posted very similar stories, synchronicity I guess.

Given I have 6 years of this behind me, you MUST take my advice, forget her, if you don't fancy her she is just a friend, go watch movies with her but do not fake a relationship to selfishly keep her in your life.

You are young and the gorgeous, friendly and fun BBW of your dreams is just around the corner. Do not pretend to want her if you don't feel the desire in your gut.


----------



## Saoirse (Jan 1, 2012)

bigmac said:


> Happy -- unhappy -- it doesn't matter as in all probability she'll be fat again and will have to deal. *Hopefully, as she matures she'll become less resentful of her body.*
> 
> I agree with you that if their positions harden the relationship will be toxic. However, if he can appreciate her now in her thin state and she can avoid becoming unhappy again as she regains the weight there may be hope.



You know, I understand that some people think that all fat people should just accept that they're fat and deal with it. And some people realize that they are ok with it... but some don't. *And thats fine.* Some people DONT WANT TO BE FAT. Who are you to say that she should just deal and be less resentful? Maybe she was in pain. Maybe she had health complications. Maybe she just wasn't fucking comfortable being fat! You are totally out of line.


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jan 1, 2012)

Marlayna said:


> You are absolutely correct on all counts, and it sounds like you've been around enough to know the score.
> Being thin and being able to wear the clothes you've loved, but didn't come in your size, is a HUGE rush. The "happiness" of being thin, is something the body doesn't care about when it puts the weight back on.
> *The statistics for staying thin, once you've been very heavy, isn't good, and I'm pretty shocked that some don't agree.*



I don't think anyone here is disputing that there's a very high likelihood of someone gaining weight back, at least to some degree. But that's not the point. :doh:

She's happy and deserves someone who loves her AS SHE IS. If she changes, hopefully the man who loves her will still love her in any way, shape, or form. Hopefully this man find her beauty at any size, both inside and out, whether she stays this weight or gains it back. There's nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't really love you as you are. No one should enter a relationship hedging their bets that the other person will change to suit them.


----------



## ThatFatGirl (Jan 1, 2012)

liz (di-va) said:


> OP: So between 2006 and now, basically, you never saw a photo of her? Or video, or anything?



Well, O.P.?

In five years you never knew she'd lost such a dramatic amount of weight? So close that you didn't know she had MAJOR (major!) surgery? 

You call her ugly a few too many times for me to believe this is someone you ever really loved and wonder if there's any legitimacy whatsoever to this. 

Some people have offered some very thoughtful, good advice here. I hope you're not yanking chains.


----------



## bigmac (Jan 1, 2012)

Saoirse said:


> ...
> 
> Some people DONT WANT TO BE FAT. Who are you to say that she should just deal and be less resentful? Maybe she was in pain. Maybe she had health complications. Maybe she just wasn't fucking comfortable being fat! You are totally out of line.



I'd say most fat people don't want to be fat. And all the rest you said may indeed be true. Regardless, the fact remains that over 95% of dieters regain the weight.

Her pain, comfort, and likely medical condition are irrelevant. Perhaps she'll be one of the super-motivated few who keeps the weight off. However the odds are against her. The very substantial probability is that she will gain the weight back.


----------



## JGolf (Jan 1, 2012)

I appreciate that everyone taken the time to offer their insights and opinions on this.

As I said in my last post, I didn't think anything of it that I didn't see pictures or video of her in all the time she was away because all through high school she HATED being in pictures. She purposely skipped school on picture day because she didn't like how she looked, and she refused to let people take her pictures at parties and stuff. She is a talented photographer, and she is always the one taking pictures. She always said she "preferred being on the other side of the lens" And she only told 3 people about her weight loss/surgery: her mother, her father and one girlfriend. It wasn't like she told everyone else and just not me. I'm not upset that she didn't tell me. I understand why she didn't broadcast it to the world. It was a personal journey for her and I imagine the self examination she did in therapy wasn't always easy, especially when she was so far from home and traveling all over the world. When we talked she told me she lost the weight because she was unhappy with her looks and health, and she had the 10 pounds of excess skin removed because not only did it look horrible (and it did, she showed me a photo of her with all her loose, hanging skin) but it was painful - it caused her pain when she did things like running and jumping, it restricted her mobility and the loose skin was always getting caught and pinched in her clothes.

I haven't talked to her about things because she hasn't explicitly come out and talked about us dating. And neither have I. We have talked about the what if - like in passing what life would have been like if we had gotten together. She I think I will leave this alone and not talk about it with her unless she asks me out on a date. And I never meant to come across as harsh when I said she looked "ugly" I just meant that I am not psychically attracted her. If we were the only people left on earth and the survival of the human race depended on us than the human race would die. I'm sure the other FA's here know where I'm coming from in this regard. She is beautiful on the inside. She isn't stuck-up, she is kind to everyone, she isn't judgmental and she is very charitable and giving. Even now that her looks have changed. She has thanked me for always loving her no matter what she looked like. I mostly don't want her to gain the weight back (only a small selfish part of me does) She is happy and because she is my dear friend and the coolest girl I know I want her to stay happy. I will do everything I can to encourage or help her to maintain this weight loss, even though it is not what I want (she is way more than halfway to the 5 year mark for maintaining her weight loss and she is driven to succeed) I know the problem is with me not her. I'm so in love with her that it hurts. But I only like BBW/SSBBW and I'm in love with her personality and her old body. I don't know what to do or how to get over this.


----------



## Linda (Jan 1, 2012)

JGolf said:


> Thank-you everyone for all the replies and advice. I do appreciate it.
> 
> The thing is, the part of me that is friends with her doesn't want her to gain the weight back. For the first time since I have known her (and for the first time n her life from what she tells me) she is truly happy. She loves herself and is at peace with herself. She went to therapy for 3 and a half years and worked out her issues in conjunction with her weight loss, and she isn't on some kind of crazy diet, she still eats as much as she used to, just healthy food instead of junk food/fast food. She doesn't count calories or carbs or anything like that. And she is active and does exercise, but not every day.
> 
> ...





mszwebs said:


> For Christ's Sake, whatever you do, DO NOT tell her that you think she's UGLY.
> 
> You've used that word a number of times.
> 
> ...





Sweet Tooth said:


> I don't think anyone here is disputing that there's a very high likelihood of someone gaining weight back, at least to some degree. But that's not the point. :doh:
> 
> She's happy and deserves someone who loves her AS SHE IS. If she changes, hopefully the man who loves her will still love her in any way, shape, or form. Hopefully this man find her beauty at any size, both inside and out, whether she stays this weight or gains it back. There's nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't really love you as you are. No one should enter a relationship hedging their bets that the other person will change to suit them.





You have already gotten some very good advice and some not so good advice. That's too be expected on a forum board.

I have been in a relationship with someone who did not find me attractive but loved everything else about me. It didn't last. Everyone wants to feel wanted and attractive by their significant other. 

You have to be true to yourself. You are in a glorious position in that you know what you are attracted to. So many people do not and simply stumble through relationship after relationship trying to figure it out.

Just because you are not attracted to your friend anymore does not mean you have to stop loving her. There are all kinds of levels of love. Love her for who she is and for what she means to you. That does not mean you need to venture into a relationship together.

And lastly...for God's sake do not tell her she is ugly to you. If you want to damage your friendship that may be step one in doing so. There are other ways to word it if the relationship topic comes up. I am not attracted to you in that way perhaps. Ugly is a toxic word that is hard to get over and may in fact infect your friendship.

Just my humble opinion.


----------



## Saoirse (Jan 1, 2012)

bigmac said:


> I'd say most fat people don't want to be fat. And all the rest you said may indeed be true. Regardless, the fact remains that over 95% of dieters regain the weight.
> 
> Her pain, comfort, and likely medical condition are irrelevant. Perhaps she'll be one of the super-motivated few who keeps the weight off. However the odds are against her. The very substantial probability is that she will gain the weight back.



The odds are against her. She may get fat again and be waaay unhappy... but he should wait it out, cause she could get super obese and then he'd be happy! YEA THATS HOW IT GOES. thats just fucked up.


----------



## Jack Secret (Jan 1, 2012)

In ten years I hope you won't be looking back at this time (at this opportunity) and realized you really screwed up. Don't get me wrong It sounds to me like you know what should be done. These are tough decisions, man. I just really hope that you don't look back on this and start kicking yourself!


----------



## Tad (Jan 2, 2012)

Tracyarts said:


> There is no potential for a (happy and healthy) relationship with this woman. Not real-life outside of a fictional fairytale ending potential, at least.
> 
> .......
> 
> ...



I think Tracy nailed it pretty well.

One additional thought, however. If you do tell her "I'm only attracted to fat women" (no matter how diplomatically you put it), the question that has to occur to her is "How come, all through high school when I WAS fat, you never asked me out?" 

I have a hard time thinking of an answer you could give that would not leave her feeling hurt and betrayed.....especially if the truth is that, at least in part, you didn't--at the time--have the balls to date the fat girl. (i.e. you let her take all the crap that comes with being fat, and were not willing to take the crap that comes with being attracted to fat folks).

And just for the record, if that is in part the case, you'd be far from the only FA who wasn't ready to come out as a teen--but it was pretty cowardly and shoddy of all of us who didn't.

Personally, I'd think the best thing you could do would be to push her towards some guys who you think will treat her well, thereby both signaling that you are not interested in her, and hopefully helping her find a great relationship. And meanwhile stop pining over what was never going to be, and go find another lovely BBW for yourself.

Good luck getting through this emotional briar patch.


----------



## AuntHen (Jan 2, 2012)

The point is, he needs to live in the NOW. She is slender NOW! He is not attracted to her NOW! Should he be with her NOW? No. The end.


----------



## lost_lenore (Jan 4, 2012)

fat9276 said:


> The point is, he needs to live in the NOW. She is slender NOW! He is not attracted to her NOW! Should he be with her NOW? No. The end.



i think this is the perfect advice. you can't love someone for who they USED to be... unfortunately.. well.. you can, but the outlook is not good.

i'm sorry... and good luck hun!


----------



## chicken legs (Jan 5, 2012)

I say leave her alone. If you really loved her, you could be sexually attracted to her in whatever stage she was in. She has worked to hard to have you put a monkey wrench in her plan because you can no longer get a boner for her. Move on bro, there are plenty fish in the sea.


----------



## D_A_Bunny (Jan 12, 2012)

I find it difficult to understand that you have not dated anyone else during these many years while she was away. Perhaps you need some real life experience before you make such big decisions.

The fact of the matter is that she took many years and a lot of effort to become the person she is today. Also, you threw in there that she has had tubal ligation and does not want children. That is also a big part of choosing a mate.

Most importantly you stated that if you two were the last on earth and the future depended on you two mating, the world would end. I think that in and of itself is your answer. If you could not even bring yourself to make a baby with her to save the world, you really need to look for a real life fat chick to date.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jan 12, 2012)

D_A_Bunny said:


> I find it difficult to understand that you have not dated anyone else during these many years while she was away. Perhaps you need some real life experience before you make such big decisions.



I would say this is a good point. I mean, here you are in agonies about something that you guys haven't even talked about yet (if I'm reading your last post right).

I would also say--and I don't mean this in a blame-laying way--if you're looking for how you contributed to the situation, it might be that you were working very hard to stay in love with someone you never saw, who could remain something of a fantasy.

I admire you very much for being honest about the situation. It must be awful to be so conflicted about somebody. It's good you're talking it out. I hope all the different input here can roll around in your head and help you find the right path.


----------

