# When dating a NON-FA ...



## Cutie 1985 (Dec 7, 2006)

Have you ever dated a NON-FA and realized/have been told that they are "ok" with your weight because they love you/like you BUT that they would prefer that you lose weight ... Like your weight doesn't bother them because they care about you, but it is not a turn-on or a good thing b/c they would prefer you thinner ... Are you ok with this or not? Would this bother you? If so, would it bother you enough that you would end the relationship, even if you have been dating for a long time and/or are in love?

I'm wondering b/c I've been dating the same guy since we were 15, we're 21 now, and I've gone from 125 to 160 pounds, and I now wiegh 150 (I'm 5'3). My boyf is attracted to/prefers thin girls (i know b/c he says so and it is obvious). Anyway, he says my weight doesn't bother him because he is in love with me and stuff like that doesn't matter to him because he cares about me as a person ... But then he occasionally complains if i gain weight or he will ask me to lose 20-30 pounds. Depending on my mood, I try not to let these comments bother me b/c I know he prefers thin girls but he loves me anyway, (although he once said that I was "better" at 125/130 pounds and that he wished I would get back there. This caused a fight when I asked what did he mean by "better" - better looking? better person? better what? He just said "your body looked better - not you" ... That's a 20 yr old for ya, so I let it go) ... Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about my weight b/c he loves me, not b/c he loves my body, which does bother me.

Has anyone expierenced the same thing??? If so does this bother you or does you partner's love make it ok if they would prefer for you to lose weight ???


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## This1Yankee (Dec 7, 2006)

The only input that I can give you is of a situation the complete opposite of yours. I dated an FA, and I am not 'technically' a BBW. He really liked me, and was as attracted to me as he could be, but he would have preferred if I were 50 lbs heavier or so. That would be HIS ideal. And to be quite honest, at first, I was REALLY uncomfortable with it. I asked him to stop making "comments" about my possibly getting fatter, and that seemed to do the trick. 

While he would have preferred that I be bigger, he still found me to be a beautiful and sexy woman. Sex could get a little difficult at times, because he was genuinely turned on by fat, but I have enough that it wasn't usually a problem. We aren't currently seeing each other, but not because of weight issues.

I think that if your weight makes YOU uncomfortable, then change it, by whatever means necessary. If it makes HIM uncomfortable, and you by proxy, then that's something you need to have a LOOONG hard talk about. Your man should prefer YOU, not a specific body type that he wants you to fit in to. It's really hard to see your own relationship from an outside perspective, especially since you got together when you were young and have been together for so long, but if he makes you feel ugly or like you aren't attractive or sexy to him anymore, then he needs a wake-up call. 

Hope this helps in some way, and everything works out for the better, my dear!!! Best wishes :wubu:


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## babyjeep21 (Dec 7, 2006)

Wow. That is quite a difficult situation. 

You need to ask yourself exactly what this boyfriend does for you. He says he loves you. But he obviously is not valuing all of you, if he says that once upon a time you were "better". A weight gain or a weight loss does not change a person's worth.

If this is a situation that you are no longer happy with and if you feel as though you are belittled or devalued because of your weight, it's not the right situation for you to be in.

I understand that when you start a relationship at a young age it is easy to become wrapped up in that person. You reach a certain level of comfort in the fact that you know someone is there... Even if they treat you like crap. The idea of being alone can be VERY scary. I'm not saying that you should leave your boyfriend or break things off. I'm simply saying that if this is a situation where you're not getting what you need or being treated the way you want, it's time to explore the possibility that he may not be for you. 

Honestly, I am quite a bit bigger than you are and in the past I have dated men who were not FAs. (There is quite a difference between dating a man who will date all kinds of women and a man who specifically dates larger women.) Not one of those men made a single derogatory comment about my body, my fat, my weight, or my looks. There was nothing about my body that they found better or worse when I lost or gained weight. No man should have the right or power to make you feel badly because of your body.

A person who loves you will love all of you and go out of their way to make you feel good about your intellect, your body, will take care of your emotional needs and will do their best to boost your confidence. It doesn't sound like that is what he's doing at this time.


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## indy500tchr (Dec 7, 2006)

babyjeep21 said:


> Wow. That is quite a difficult situation.
> 
> You need to ask yourself exactly what this boyfriend does for you. He says he loves you. But he obviously is not valuing all of you, if he says that once upon a time you were "better". A weight gain or a weight loss does not change a person's worth.
> 
> ...




Bravah! VERY well put my dear. I don't think anybody could have said it better.


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## Tad (Dec 7, 2006)

Ill try to be uncharacteristically quick with this replyjust two comments. 

First of all, there are literally millions of relationships where one or both partners arent the others ideal size, and most of them work out fine. If the relationship isnt going well then maybe weight becomes a focus for the discontent, but I think when the relationship is good it can handle thatit may not be ideal, but we seldom get the ideal situation in life. 

Second, going to personal experience, Im an FA, my wife is not. Weve been together over 16 years now. Shes been losing weight over the past few years, Ive been gaining. Neither of us is excited by the change in the other, but its OK. Im glad that shes happy about having lost weight, she isnt on my case about my weight. Maybe it takes the physical passion down a notch, Im not surea bigger factor in that regard is having our heads full of other issues and stresses so that we just dont have sex on the brain as much. I suppose if we were pushing each others buttons just sitting there because of how we looked, that might help get sex onto the brain more often, but when you are fretting about what your kid did in school or about finances it is pretty unlikely that you suddenly get into the mood. But things are OK, and sex is still very, very good, we just have to make a point of getting things started as things dont tend to ignite spontaneously to the degree that they used to. All of which is to say that even when neither of your physical desires match up with what is happening in reality, things can still work out pretty darn well.

Regards;

Ed


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## out.of.habit (Dec 7, 2006)

This1Yankee said:


> I think that if your weight makes YOU uncomfortable, then change it, by whatever means necessary. If it makes HIM uncomfortable, and you by proxy, then that's something you need to have a LOOONG hard talk about. Your man should prefer YOU, not a specific body type that he wants you to fit in to. It's really hard to see your own relationship from an outside perspective, especially since you got together when you were young and have been together for so long, but if he makes you feel ugly or like you aren't attractive or sexy to him anymore, then he needs a wake-up call.



It really can't be said any better than this. I think loving you means loving all of you, not just the first 125lbs of you. It is confusing and unkind to simultaneously say "I love you," and "you're not my type." 
Yankee's comment is really on the mark. Your comfort with yourself is what matters most, and while it is natural to want to please someone you love, it is important to value yourself as much as you value them. 

I also just want to acknowledge the length of time you've been with him. That can't make these thoughts or this situation any easier for you to manage.


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## Tooz (Dec 7, 2006)

Well, you are playing down what he says so much, I think. For him to constantly point out that he prefers thinner women (does he? I get that impression from your post, but I could be wrong.) is kind of mean to you. Does he think he'll shame you into getting down to 120 or whatever? Maybe it's asking too much, but I think peopole deserve to be in a relationship where they are cherished and loved for who and what they are (even if that changes). He does not sound like he is doing that. It should be, "I love you," not "I love you EVEN THOUGH you look _____." It's hard to think about changing a long term relationship, but really...I'm sorry to say your boyfriend sounds less than good.


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## moonvine (Dec 7, 2006)

Cutie 1985 said:


> Have you ever dated a NON-FA and realized/have been told that they are "ok" with your weight because they love you/like you BUT that they would prefer that you lose weight ...



Yes, but a long time ago, thank God.



> Are you ok with this or not?



Absolutely not.



> Would this bother you?



Not really, because I would only allow it to happen once before I kicked him to the curb.



> If so, would it bother you enough that you would end the relationship, even if you have been dating for a long time and/or are in love?



Yes, absolutely. (see above)


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## Tooz (Dec 7, 2006)

Moonvine's post reminds me-- I have a hard time seeing him loving you because it seems he can't get past the fact you aren't 120 pounds. While I do believe people can fully love someone who, once upon a time, was not their physical ideal, he's not moving past the fact you aren'y skinny.

It would be an entirely different story if he only wanted skinny chicks before he met you, but then after being close with you changed his opinion and accepted you and saw you as beautiful regardless.

Hope that makes sense.


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## metalheadFA (Dec 7, 2006)

From my own perspective and brutal male honesty I wouldnt date a girl who didn't attract me unless they were an extremley special person who I'd known for years. However if this person was special to me, even if they werent my "type" I wouldnt make them feel bad. I would make sure they knew they were loved. If he is pertaining to be unhappy with your weight then his eyes may wonder and you should ask yourself do you value yourself more than that? I figure you do. As for him he needs to question how much he loves you if he considers you to be the wrong "type." If thats his real hold up considering that love isnt measured in lbs.
And from my own standpoint if you weigh 150 lbs you dont need to lose 30 lbs he has probably bought into the medias perception of asexual beauty.


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## KuroBara (Dec 7, 2006)

THis may be his way of telling you you two have grown apart. He seems to want something different than what he has now, and may even think he is "settling" because of the past y'all have, but eventually, this will lead to resentment. Not saying it is just possible.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Dec 7, 2006)

When I hit a high post-recovery weight from an illness (it was probably between 140 - 158 lbs, my highest), my then-boyfriend said something that really, really contributed to the ruin of our relationship in an attempt to be positive: "You have a lot of weight to gain before I'd consider dumping you. Don't worry."

When I'm at my "normal" size, I'm probably about a size 4 US. (Don't weigh myself anymore because I find it triggering and pointless.) That's the size my body likes to be, which is damned unusual. I think there are times it's reasonable to encourage someone to gain/lose. (If they're so small they're severely underweight, I think it's reasonable to ask a person to gain a little weight in a respectful manner. Same if they're immobilized because of their weight.) 

Anyone asking me to lose weight at 150 to "make me better" is getting dumped. That's just me though.


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## Rainahblue (Dec 7, 2006)

babyjeep21 said:


> Wow. That is quite a difficult situation.
> 
> You need to ask yourself exactly what this boyfriend does for you. He says he loves you. But he obviously is not valuing all of you, if he says that once upon a time you were "better". A weight gain or a weight loss does not change a person's worth.
> 
> ...





> You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.



I'm with indy500. Hear! Hear!

... and 150 is about half of what I weigh. I'm just sayin'. :huh: ​


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## T_Devil (Dec 7, 2006)

In my opinon, The very statement "I love you, but...." is subject to scruitny. It's putting a condition on something that shouldn't have conditions. But hey, that's just how some people go about their lives. 

If a person would prefer you to lose weight, that's their preferance. Guess what, _you can't always get what we want, but you get what you need._ A person needs love. If the person is a bit fatter than they like, they love them in spite of that. If it's obvious that they are attracted to skinny people, that's subject to scruitny.

Eventually, a person has to know when to just let it go. Just let the issue go. If the person loves you, they'll love your weight too. Same could be said that if you love them, you will eat right and exercise. It's a cop-out response, but it's all I got. Love is somewhere in between. People who love each other are willing to compramise.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 7, 2006)

babyjeep21 said:


> No man should have the right or power to make you feel badly because of your body.




A-f**king-men


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## GeorgeNL (Dec 7, 2006)

Phew, very interesting question and replies. I've been asking myself the reverse question, which is: could I (as an FA) be a good partner to a thin woman? Given a good friendship, shared interersts, and love. Would that be enough? 

Probably that depends a lot on what you value most I think. If sex life is very important to you, it almost certainly is not. But there are other ways of making love, you still can have a great time for sure. For me personally, friendship is the most important part by far. That's enough for me. But would it be enough for someone else? I really don't know.


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## tjw1971 (Dec 7, 2006)

To play "devil's advocate" for a minute..... I think I'd be a little pissed if I was seriously dating a woman and got dumped immediately for that sort of comment.

1. It was meant in a positive way. An attempt at being positive, badly worded or thought out, still beats a partner making negative comments on purpose.

2. I'm not even sure I agree with the "pie in the sky, idealistic" interpretations of "loving someone" that some folks are using here. When you partner up with someone, you do so after taking stock of who that person is, both mentally and physically (and perhaps, spiritually - if that's an issue for you). Their physical size is part of the "package deal". I certainly know from personal experience that it's possible to love someone, but then lose those feelings because of their mental illnesses or instability. By the same token, I think it's reasonable for someone to lose their physical attraction to a partner because their partner radically changed their size/shape.




TheSadeianLinguist said:


> When I hit a high post-recovery weight from an illness (it was probably between 140 - 158 lbs, my highest), my then-boyfriend said something that really, really contributed to the ruin of our relationship in an attempt to be positive: "You have a lot of weight to gain before I'd consider dumping you. Don't worry."
> 
> When I'm at my "normal" size, I'm probably about a size 4 US. (Don't weigh myself anymore because I find it triggering and pointless.) That's the size my body likes to be, which is damned unusual. I think there are times it's reasonable to encourage someone to gain/lose. (If they're so small they're severely underweight, I think it's reasonable to ask a person to gain a little weight in a respectful manner. Same if they're immobilized because of their weight.)
> 
> Anyone asking me to lose weight at 150 to "make me better" is getting dumped. That's just me though.


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## Tooz (Dec 7, 2006)

tjw1971 said:


> I think it's reasonable for someone to lose their physical attraction to a partner because their partner radically changed their size/shape.


I think maybe temporarily, that would be reasonable. I find that physical attraction can acclimate most of the time dependong on mindsent.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Dec 7, 2006)

MOST people fluctuate in their weight about 10 to 15 lbs. If 5 lbs. additional to that is enough to cause one's mate to lose sexual attraction, then they need to find a new partner.

I understand being turned off because your partner gained or lost 200 lbs. But 20? Get real, man.



tjw1971 said:


> To play "devil's advocate" for a minute..... I think I'd be a little pissed if I was seriously dating a woman and got dumped immediately for that sort of comment.
> 
> 1. It was meant in a positive way. An attempt at being positive, badly worded or thought out, still beats a partner making negative comments on purpose.
> 
> 2. I'm not even sure I agree with the "pie in the sky, idealistic" interpretations of "loving someone" that some folks are using here. When you partner up with someone, you do so after taking stock of who that person is, both mentally and physically (and perhaps, spiritually - if that's an issue for you). Their physical size is part of the "package deal". I certainly know from personal experience that it's possible to love someone, but then lose those feelings because of their mental illnesses or instability. By the same token, I think it's reasonable for someone to lose their physical attraction to a partner because their partner radically changed their size/shape.


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## tjw1971 (Dec 8, 2006)

I never said someone complaining about 20lbs. had a valid complaint, though. I don't really get why someone would care about 50lbs., honestly. It's just not enough weight to change a person's physical characteristics enough to go from finding them "sexy" to finding them "unbearable in a relationship".

I think people who care about the small changes are more concerned with what their friends/peers think of the person they're dating.... Shallow as that may be, that's often the root of the problem. After all, we all like to have the approval of our best friends, and if they're fat-phobic, it can make it rough on someone dating a larger gal.

But certainly, there is a point where someone can simply become much larger or smaller than the range their partner is comfortable with. And at that point, their partner voicing complaint seems valid, and even "honest" to me. It's a way of saying "Hey... You're outside my boundaries of what I can personally accept right now. Please fix it, or I can't help but lose physical interest in you."




TheSadeianLinguist said:


> MOST people fluctuate in their weight about 10 to 15 lbs. If 5 lbs. additional to that is enough to cause one's mate to lose sexual attraction, then they need to find a new partner.
> 
> I understand being turned off because your partner gained or lost 200 lbs. But 20? Get real, man.


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## lemmink (Dec 8, 2006)

It's kind of a two-way thing. I think someone's got a right to voice a complaint in someone's weight, but at the same time, the other party has every right to tell them to screw off. If you're not comfortable with your boyfriend's comments, tell him to quit them and to start finding ways to appreciate you and your present size. If he won't, he's not being terribly respectful of your feelings.


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## moonvine (Dec 8, 2006)

tjw1971 said:


> But certainly, there is a point where someone can simply become much larger or smaller than the range their partner is comfortable with. And at that point, their partner voicing complaint seems valid, and even "honest" to me. It's a way of saying "Hey... You're outside my boundaries of what I can personally accept right now. Please fix it, or I can't help but lose physical interest in you."




I don't think that's love. 

If a woman had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy, what if the guy didn't find that physically acceptable?

People age and bodies change. It is something that you have to accept in a loving, committed relationship. Now if it's just a sexual relationship, that's a different story.


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## TallFatSue (Dec 8, 2006)

Whenever I see a topic like this, I'm really torn because my experiences probably don't apply. In the dim dark mists of history (i.e. the 1970s), I dated both FAs and non-FAs although I didn't know that's what they were called. My mother drummed it into my head that I was way too fat to be desireable, but I always had plenty of boyfriends. The problem was that most non-FAs said they really liked me as a girl, but...

1. What would their friends think?
2. What would their parents think?
3. I had such a pretty face, I should really lose 100lb.
4. It's not healthy to be so fat, I should really lose 100lb.
5. I'm so fat, I was more like "one of the guys."

That was compounded by the fact that I'm 6ft tall. I wanted my size to be a non-issue, but after a while I reckoned my lot in life was to have a lot of friends who were boys, but no true boyfriends. The situation improved when I went off to college, where I had a halfway decent chance of someone liking me for my mind, and maybe romance would follow. Lo and behold, that's exactly what happened: a non-FA liked me for me. The problem was that he must have told me every fat joke he knew, but after a while I interpreted that as "methinks he doth protest too much."

Anyway if a non-FA makes little negative comments about your weight, maybe it's a genuine problem. On the other hand, if a non-FA is creative enough to say that you're so fat you have your own gravitational field, AND he keeps showing up to tell you a new fat joke every time, then maybe -- just maybe -- it's a cry for help. "Help! I'm falling in love with a fat girl and I don't know what to do!"

Ya know, it's amazing what captivates some men when you throw in a few well-placed jiggles. Some non-FAs just might decide that a fat girl is perfectly fine. I knew I had him when he kept wanting to drive over bumpy roads to watch my fat bounce. Or whenever I had one of my regular hiccup attacks and he loved watching my fat jerk and shake. Yes I wanted him to love me for my mind, but if I had to shake my big fat ass to make him realize it, then I could manage that. 

He's now serving a life sentence as my husband. He wasn't an FA then, but he sure is now! :smitten:


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## Cutie 1985 (Dec 9, 2006)

Thanks for the advice guys !!!
I think b/c we started dating so young and for so long it's hard for me to walk away. At 125/130 pounds, I was not thin/slender but my weight was still ok then. As I have gained more weight in the past few years, he has become more vocal about it. I'm not saying he doesn't think I'm sexy, he just thinks I could be a whole lot sexier and more attractive slimmer, whereas I personally am not all that motivated to lose weight for any reason other than him

This may sound weird, but its easier to ask strangers for advice (here at Dims) than talk to friends ... I don't know why, I guess b/c weight is a sensitive topic (non of my friends are going to say your boyf is right, drop 30 pounds ... and i rather NOT talk to my friends about this) ... 
This may also sound weird, but I think my boyf kind of expected me to weigh 125 pounds forever - like if he met me now, he wouldn't be as inclined to date me at my current weight. He doesn't get why I've gained weight (no real reason, i left high school weighing 135, gained 25 pounds over the first three years in college, and lost 10 this year) and he doesn't understand why I "haven't got fed up with myself and lost weight". Sigh.


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## Cutie 1985 (Dec 9, 2006)

Also, after re-reading this, I realized I made my boyf sound mean and he is not, he's just young and tacky (as in he has no tact when he says things, he just says what he feels and what is on his mind) ... But he's not a mean/bad guy, other than this he's great. 

Alot of this advice sounds REASONABLE and LOGICAL and it reminds me of things my mom would say, LOL, which is funny to me, *b/c I usually ignore my mom's advice* ... go figure !!!  (i think it's an age thing, i feel like she doesn't get me b/c she's in her 50s ... oh well, my cousin swears this will change and that by your mid-to-late 20s, your mom becomes the best friend and advice giver a girl could have)


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## babyjeep21 (Dec 9, 2006)

Cutie 1985 said:


> Alot of this advice sounds REASONABLE and LOGICAL and it reminds me of things my mom would say, LOL, which is funny to me, *b/c I usually ignore my mom's advice* ... go figure !!!  (i think it's an age thing, i feel like she doesn't get me b/c she's in her 50s ... oh well, my cousin swears this will change and that by your mid-to-late 20s, your mom becomes the best friend and advice giver a girl could have)



Just to put things in perspective, I'm only a year older than you are. Age and maturity _can_ play big factors in whose advice you listen to. However, I think it's probably more likely that you just don't think your mom gets you because she IS your mom.


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## Cutie 1985 (Dec 9, 2006)

*"Moonvine's post reminds me-- I have a hard time seeing him loving you because it seems he can't get past the fact you aren't 120 pounds. While I do believe people can fully love someone who, once upon a time, was not their physical ideal, he's not moving past the fact you aren'y skinny."*

Like, its not any everyday thing where he's telling me to lose weight everyday... he just randomly says things about my weight or me losing weight or he will compare skinny girls to fat girls ... for example, after sex a few weeks ago, I asked him what was he thinking about and he said, "I'm thinking about the differences between sex with skinny girls and thick girls." I was like "Why do you care?", and he was like, "I'm deciding which is better, sex with skinny girls or chubby girls?" ... that is what I mean by he has no tact ... honestly, I don't think he's trying to be mean, he just says what he feels at anytime he's thinking it.



GeorgeNL said:


> Probably that depends a lot on what you value most I think. If sex life is very important to you, it almost certainly is not. But there are other ways of making love, you still can have a great time for sure. For me personally, friendship is the most important part by far. That's enough for me. But would it be enough for someone else? I really don't know.



Friendship is the most important to me, but I KNOW sex is the most important thing to him ... If i lost the 30 pounds, but stopped having sex with him, I don't think we would last too long ... He gets  when we don't have sex (sounds immature, i know, but he is a college co-ed). oh well.


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## out.of.habit (Dec 9, 2006)

Cutie 1985 said:


> Also, after re-reading this, I realized I made my boyf sound mean and he is not, he's just young and tacky (as in he has no tact when he says things, he just says what he feels and what is on his mind) ... But he's not a mean/bad guy, other than this he's great.



I don't think you need to defend anything he or you have said. I think we all get we're only discussing one facet of his personal preference... In terms of age group here, you've got a mix of folks all telling you a similar message (even though your Mom is probably right, lol). 

Here's the thing:
At Dimensions, we're all supporting the idea that any size is okay. Be it you at 155, 125, or 250+ we're going to support you feeling most comfortably you in your skin, regardless of what someone else (including media) prefers your body to be. 
I think if you take anything away from this post, most of us would prefer it be that.


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## Punkin1024 (Dec 9, 2006)

I'm going to reply without reading all the others because I want to give you a heart-felt story. This is my personal experience and you can take from it what you will. I am married to a non-FA. He often tells me he loves me as I am, but on the other hand because he loves me, he would like for me to lose down to the size I was when we married. You see, I wasn't as fat as I am now, when we met and married. I wasn't skinny - by the world's standards - I am 4 ft. 11 - 1/2 inches and at that time I weighed 130 pounds. My hubby always said he didn't like extremely skinny girls, and loved me as I was. I told him earlier on that I didn't want to be as heavy as my Mom and in our early years of marriage, I was always concerned with my weight. Through the years, I've been on so many diets that hubby has a hard time not being in diet mode with me. Over the last few years I dropped around 60 pounds (10 of which have crept back on). Hubby still wants me to lose weight, not because he is less attracted to me as I am, but because he wants me to be as healthy and painfree as possible. It has caused some heartache for me and a lot of confusion for him. I've only recently come back to Dimensions because I not only missed everyone here, but I've come to realize that I don't want to live my life worrying about every bite of food I eat. I am writing all this because I want you to know that if someone really loves you for who you are, you can make the relationship work. Hubby and I have been married 28 years and counting. We love each other and support each other. My weight is just a minor thing we deal with in our life. But, to be honest, if I had to do it all over again - knowing what I know now - I would have been more honest with myself and sought out someone who not only loved me for me, but also loved fatter women. I am so glad younger women are finding out that there are FA's in the world, it would have been wonderful if I'd known that when I was dating. You have to make the final decision in your relationship - make the decision that works for you and will ultimately fulfill your dreams and wishes for yourself. In the end, in any relationship, it really is necessary to not only think of yourself, but think too of your partners happiness. If you both aren't fulfilled in the relationship, then what is the purpose of having the relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

~Punkin


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## TencentPorkchop (Dec 9, 2006)

It's more important that he loves you for who you are than what you look like. You could be thin and he would still be attracted to other women. There will always be prettier women out there. But you have his heart. Why are you putting on so much weight? It is natural to gain some weight after high school but don't let it get out of control. Once it goes on it's almost impossible to get off. If you have children, you will gain even more. That's life.


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## Wagimawr (Dec 9, 2006)

Hey there, new guy 


TencentPorkchop said:


> It's more important that he loves you for who you are than what you look like.


Good advice.


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## gradstudent (Dec 10, 2006)

Thanks for sharing your experience, and I hope everyone's good advice is helping. As someone engaged to a man who is not an FA but finds my fat body sexy because it's _my_ body, my situation is a bit different. However, I wanted to advise you to talk to him about this. I think it could be really helpful to tell him that your weight is not a valid topic of discussion for him to raise. His input is not needed, and you will monitor it if you feel it needs to be monitored. I simply think that's true and reasonable! Good luck; hopefully the relationship can work well for you without this big exception!


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## Tad (Dec 11, 2006)

There is a saying to the effect of Men and women are both foolish: women get married expecting their husband to change, and men get married expecting their wife not to change. As Ive read your various posts in this thread this kept coming to mind more and more strongly, for both sides of it (obviously replacing get married with start dating). On the one hand, he seems to have been expecting you not to change, at least physically. He still wants the fairly lithe teenager he first hugged. On the other hand, you seem to be expecting him to change. Several times youve apologized for his behavior, saying roughly but it is OK now, because hes still young. Well, he isnt that young anymore. He is well past adolescence and his brain should be more or less wired in its mature form. Sure he has a lot of growing up to do, but if he is this tactless now, the odds are that he is not really interested in being tactful. That is, compared to most guys his age he sounds less tactful. Expecting that to change is probably not wise, that is the odds are good that he will always be less tactful than guys his age.

With that said, that does not mean you cant work things out. I have an honorary aunt and uncle who are like this. My uncle says the most outrageously blunt things all the time, to everyone, including his wife and kids (I dont know about his grandkids, maybe he has a softer spot for them). But after the first couple of decades I think his wife stopped noticing for the most part, his kids love him anyways (although as teenagers they were very wary of bringing friends over), and overall he is a really nice guy who is willing to go the extra yard to help someonehell just tell them why they should never have gotten into that situation in the first place while he is at it. They must be approaching their fiftieth wedding anniversary now. It is up to you if that is something you can live with, and it is up to him if the reality of your body is something he can live with. But I think it is important to make it clear to you that your thickness is reality, not just a passing phase.

Oh, and when he said he was trying to decide if sex was better with thin girls or chubby girls, I wish youd asked him what his conclusions wereor maybe even better have said Well, I can tell you that sex is better AS a chubby girl! Let him know that you arent apologizing for your body ;-)

-Ed


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## fatgirl33 (Dec 11, 2006)

I am very lucky to be in a relationship with the perfect person right now. We've been together a long time, and she is truly the love of my life. However, I've previously been in relationships that were destroyed by weight and preferences.

I was in a long-term relationship with another woman who was an FA, but not at all comfortable with her own unintentional weight gain. Over a period of a couple of years it bred so much discontent, unhappiness and resentement that it was almost a relief when we finally split up.

I know that no one is exactly perfect, and at different times in our lives our physical/sexual preferences might change (When I was your age I thought people in their 30s were quite old, but now that I'm in my 30s I am finding people in their 50s attractive - go figure!). But my experience was that such a fundamental preference (and comfort level) became a pretty contentious issue in the long term, despite our otherwise great affection for one another. I guess it all comes down to how strongly you both feel about it.

Best of luck to you in whatever direction this takes you. My candid thoughts are that you two started seeing each other so young, it might even be healthy to give some other partners a whirl.  

Take care,
Brenda


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## moonvine (Dec 11, 2006)

fatgirl33 said:


> I know that no one is exactly perfect, and at different times in our lives our physical/sexual preferences might change (When I was your age I thought people in their 30s were quite old, but now that I'm in my 30s I am finding people in their 50s attractive - go figure!).



Alas, mine haven't changed yet. When I was 19 I thought 24 year olds were hot. Now I'm 40 and I still think 24 year olds are hot. I do think Kyle Chandler is hot and he's 40, but he's quite the rare exception.


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## Mercedes (Dec 12, 2006)

FUPAthanx4askin said:


> LOL i was gonna say that aint nothing, honey! Try eating a sandwich!


 
:blink: that wasn't so kind in my opinion...


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## out.of.habit (Dec 12, 2006)

BMcGuire88 said:


> and your hardly fat. you said u were 5'3 and 150? must be sneaking scraps to the family dog again, lol.





FUPAthanx4askin said:


> LOL i was gonna say that aint nothing, honey! Try eating a sandwich!




Let's not lose the SIZE ACCEPTANCE message here... we also ought to avoid the minimizing of someone's feelings because of your own perceptions of what fat is allowed to be. _I know you're trying to be supportive_, but with all due respect, we've got to have a little more sensitivity. When was the last time that someone's saying "Aw, you're not fat, look at me" or "Hey, that chick's way fatter than you" help?


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## Happenstance (Dec 14, 2006)

TencentPorkchop said:


> It's more important that he loves you for who you are than what you look like. You could be thin and he would still be attracted to other women. There will always be prettier women out there. But you have his heart. Why are you putting on so much weight? It is natural to gain some weight after high school but don't let it get out of control. Once it goes on it's almost impossible to get off. If you have children, you will gain even more. That's life.



And I say this as apostrophically as possible, why were you banned if this was your only post?


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## Mini (Dec 14, 2006)

Happenstance said:


> And I say this as apostrophically as possible, why were you banned if this was your only post?



My guess is he was part of the band o' lowlifes that "invaded" yesterday.


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## Happenstance (Dec 14, 2006)

So if I just happened to join yesterday instead of when I did, (a few days before,) would I also be banned? Unless other posts of this fellow's were deleted, or the IP address is the same as that of another perpetrator, I see no reason for banning.


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## Mini (Dec 14, 2006)

Happenstance said:


> So if I just happened to join yesterday instead of when I did, (a few days before,) would I also be banned? Unless other posts of this fellow's were deleted, or the IP address is the same as that of another perpetrator, I see no reason for banning.



As I said, it was my guess. Chances are there's more to his posting history to which you're not privvy, being you're not a mod and all.


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## MoonGoddess (Dec 14, 2006)

Cutie 1985 said:


> Have you ever dated a NON-FA and realized/have been told that they are "ok" with your weight because they love you/like you BUT that they would prefer that you lose weight ... Like your weight doesn't bother them because they care about you, but it is not a turn-on or a good thing b/c they would prefer you thinner ... Are you ok with this or not? Would this bother you? If so, would it bother you enough that you would end the relationship, even if you have been dating for a long time and/or are in love?
> 
> I'm wondering b/c I've been dating the same guy since we were 15, we're 21 now, and I've gone from 125 to 160 pounds, and I now wiegh 150 (I'm 5'3). My boyf is attracted to/prefers thin girls (i know b/c he says so and it is obvious). Anyway, he says my weight doesn't bother him because he is in love with me and stuff like that doesn't matter to him because he cares about me as a person ... But then he occasionally complains if i gain weight or he will ask me to lose 20-30 pounds. Depending on my mood, I try not to let these comments bother me b/c I know he prefers thin girls but he loves me anyway, (although he once said that I was "better" at 125/130 pounds and that he wished I would get back there. This caused a fight when I asked what did he mean by "better" - better looking? better person? better what? He just said "your body looked better - not you" ... That's a 20 yr old for ya, so I let it go) ... Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about my weight b/c he loves me, not b/c he loves my body, which does bother me.
> 
> Has anyone expierenced the same thing??? If so does this bother you or does you partner's love make it ok if they would prefer for you to lose weight ???




_Sounds like my husband and I. I am 47, he is 55. We have been married for 25 years, and during that time I have spanned weights ranging from 118 to my current 220. And he does often comment that I would look really good if I could just get down to about 140. He, on the other hand, has no problem with losing weight, and tends to use that as a bragging point. He says he loves me, and won't call me fat outright. But he sure as hell beats around that bush plenty! I remind him that I am more than just my body...and that seems to quiet him down.

I have tried to wrangle my weight down, and it does not work. And as a result, I refuse to beat myself up for him or anyone else. You love me and accept me as I am, or take a hike. _


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## Tooz (Dec 14, 2006)

MoonGoddess said:


> _Sounds like my husband and I. I am 47, he is 55. We have been married for 25 years, and during that time I have spanned weights ranging from 118 to my current 220. And he does often comment that I would look really good if I could just get down to about 140. He, on the other hand, has no problem with losing weight, and tends to use that as a bragging point. He says he loves me, and won't call me fat outright. But he sure as hell beats around that bush plenty! I remind him that I am more than just my body...and that seems to quiet him down.
> 
> I have tried to wrangle my weight down, and it does not work. And as a result, I refuse to beat myself up for him or anyone else. You love me and accept me as I am, or take a hike. _



Wow. I don't think I could live with that, myself. I would be unable to NOT take it to heart and would get angry or depressed and leave him.


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## MoonGoddess (Dec 14, 2006)

tooz said:


> Wow. I don't think I could live with that, myself. I would be unable to NOT take it to heart and would get angry or depressed and leave him.



_I know EXACTLY what you mean. And people do tend to get floored when they find out about my situation. It has taken me years to get to the point where I can just shrug this off and get on with my life. I want my husband in my life (well, as much in my life as the current living arrangement will allow that is!), but I am not going to try to mold myself into something that I am not. Not for him, nor for anyone else.

I am a true W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G. What You See Is What You Get. And it has taken me years to get to that point. It was worth the work, the tears and the frustration.

It is all about self acceptance and self love. And being able to look a detractor right in the eye and say 'Bite Me'. And meaning it. _


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## out.of.habit (Dec 17, 2006)

Happenstance said:


> And I say this as apostrophically as possible, why were you banned if this was your only post?



Perhaps this very "Why-is-your-ass-so-big?" comment had something to do with it.



TencentPorkchop said:


> There will always be prettier women out there. But you have his heart. _*Why are you putting on so much weight?* It is natural to gain some weight after high school but don't let it get out of control. _ Once it goes on it's almost impossible to get off.



Seemed to have a sort of condemning, fat-is-bad,-stay-thinner quality to it. It could just be me, though.


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## Cutie 1985 (Dec 17, 2006)

interesting b/c when i first read TencentPorkchop's post i thought it was a little rude (sorry), but then i realized this is what my boyf says all the time ... that if i don't watch it now, i will be stuck being fat forever, and i will never be able to lose the weight ... made me stop and think


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## Wagimawr (Dec 17, 2006)

But would that really be so bad? Not being thin?


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## Tooz (Dec 17, 2006)

Cutie 1985 said:


> interesting b/c when i first read TencentPorkchop's post i thought it was a little rude (sorry), but then i realized this is what my boyf says all the time ... that if i don't watch it now, i will be stuck being fat forever, and i will never be able to lose the weight ... made me stop and think



Don't appologise, the post was quite rude. Furthermore, if it gives you pause from someone else, you should really contemplate your boy's words.


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## out.of.habit (Dec 17, 2006)

Cutie 1985 said:


> i will be stuck being fat forever, and i will never be able to lose the weight ... made me stop and think



Two things:

1. Dimensions advocates that being fat is certainly not the end of the world... rather, fat is just another way of being. Another descriptor like tall or brunette, or female. One isn't stuck being fat, one just is, and that's okay... or preferrable for not just some, but many.

2. The idea that you could never lose weight is a moot point here, but also a point that people like to use as a scare tactic. Remember 'Scared Straight?' Think 'Scared Thin.' Regardless of it's relative truth or untruth, the statement sure does make people think... about how they could never be worth anything until they were worth something to the people who make the societal standards of aesthetics. These are the rules we are working on changing.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Dec 17, 2006)

Since we're on the subject now of "always being fat" that brought to mind one of the several great books I read about compulsive over eating.
It pointed out how we can sometimes have an idea in our head that if we can just achieve some certain set weight point i.e. thinness, that all of our problems will suddenly dissipate. We will suddenly be loved, accepted, happy. When you see that typed out, doesn't that seem like a long reaching and even silly thought? But I get the impression that so many people (including myself at one point) actually think that way. 
If you want to go hang gliding, wear some pretty dress, find a better job, FIND A GOOD BF THAT DOESN'T RIDE YOUR ASS ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT, etc., why do you need to lose weight to do that? Why does the quality of your life have to depend on the number on your scale? There are so many things this life has to offer and you have a right to try them all- no matter what you weigh. I hope this is food for thought.
Btw, my father constantly rode my ass about my weight my whole life- I refused to marry a man that did the same. Is that really how you would want to spend your whole life if you found yourself with this guy for many years? Constantly being made to feel that your weight is an all-consuming factor in your relationship? I know from personal experience that this weight issue will overshadow all else so please take it into consideration before making any long term decisions with this person.
Good luck to you in whatever you choose.


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