# Hands Off



## Sugarkitten7 (Dec 20, 2009)

I'm curious how many people on here have had to deal with other women/men on their significant other. Not cheating or anything but flirting and being overly friendly. 

I'm alittle territorial myself. I don't like to share  My boyfriend may be on the bigger side but I still feel like I have to mark my territory sometimes.


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## Melian (Dec 20, 2009)

If I don't hate the woman, she is free to hang off my husband. I'll get pissed off if they are doing anything beyond light touching and a small amount of kissing without my consent, though....


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## escapist (Dec 20, 2009)

Melian said:


> If I don't hate the woman, she is free to hang off my husband. I'll get pissed off if they are doing anything beyond light touching and a small amount of kissing *without my consent*, though....



Rarrrrrrr (I don't know, it just deserved a good roar).

I am an HUGE flirt (no pun intended), so its nice for me when I hookup with someone who gets it or is not threatened by it. However I get the flip side of it. I don't like it but I can be territorial too. I just don't like it, I don't even want to be like that, but it just seems to be hard-wired into my head. I do my best to be chill and let others be who they will be. Nobody is perfect though.


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## Flutterby68 (Dec 20, 2009)

I'm very territorial. Bitch had BETTER keep her hands off my man if she wants to keep them attached to her body. I do NOT share.


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## Sugarkitten7 (Dec 20, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> I'm very territorial. Bitch had BETTER keep her hands off my man if she wants to keep them attached to her body. I do NOT share.



ha im right there with ya. although i feel bad at times for him. I dont want to seem controlling. but it usually has to be nipped in the bud.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 20, 2009)

Eh, I flirt, I'm fine with people flirting with my guy. At the end of the night he's going home with me and I'm going home with him. 

Now there is a situational line though, situational as in if I'm not present or he's not present; I wouldn't do anything differently in front of him or when he's not around and I expect the same thing. If I'm not comfortable flirting with someone or with someone's flirting with me in front of him, then I sure the hell shouldn't feel differently if he's not around...same for him. 

It's all about trust and honesty, at least for me, and I'm a pretty hands on flirty type person at times so I can't get pissy about someone that has similar behavior.


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## djudex (Dec 20, 2009)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> Eh, I flirt, I'm fine with people flirting with my guy. At the end of the night he's going home with me and I'm going home with him.
> 
> Now there is a situational line though, situational as in if I'm not present or he's not present; I wouldn't do anything differently in front of him or when he's not around and I expect the same thing. If I'm not comfortable flirting with someone or with someone's flirting with me in front of him, then I sure the hell shouldn't feel differently if he's not around...same for him.
> 
> It's all about trust and honesty, at least for me, and I'm a pretty hands on flirty type person at times so I can't get pissy about someone that has similar behavior.



QFT (which isn't long enough a message for Dims apparently so here's some filler)


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## stldpn (Dec 20, 2009)

I myself have a poor habit of being overly flirtatious. It's been an issue in more than one relationship. I flirt, she's hurt, and I never seem to know where I crossed the line exactly. I've never cheated on anyone. I'm decent looking but I'm no lothario. I don't believe anyone can be stolen away without consent. It's difficult for me to fully acknowledge the view that more than 1 out of 500 girls would even go to the trouble of stealing me away for a night. On the other hand, I can be intensely jealous if a girlfriend goes and dances with someone that I know she finds attractive. It's not the dancing it's the fact that I know if she was single she'd be digging on him so I question what would happen if I wasn't around. It's not that I have a double standard, I just feel like there's a big difference in intent.


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## Flutterby68 (Dec 20, 2009)

But your man is very flirtatious too... and damned good at it. But he is also one to respect boundaries.

That's the problem I have... people do not respect boundaries. Smiling and flirting with DH is one thing, but getting all touchy-feely is guaranteed to piss me off. And considering the only people that tend to flirt with him are his ex wife (don't get me started), and a certain woman of my acquaintance who ALWAYS goes for the men who are taken to prove she can get them.... that's a problem.

Men flirt with me ALL.THE.TIME. Some more outrageously than others. DH doesn't mind a bit and even finds it funny, and he trusts me to take care of the situation. If someone is bothering me, I handle it. If I CAN'T then he would step in, but that's never happened. 




BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> Eh, I flirt, I'm fine with people flirting with my guy. At the end of the night he's going home with me and I'm going home with him.
> 
> Now there is a situational line though, situational as in if I'm not present or he's not present; I wouldn't do anything differently in front of him or when he's not around and I expect the same thing. If I'm not comfortable flirting with someone or with someone's flirting with me in front of him, then I sure the hell shouldn't feel differently if he's not around...same for him.
> 
> It's all about trust and honesty, at least for me, and I'm a pretty hands on flirty type person at times so I can't get pissy about someone that has similar behavior.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Dec 20, 2009)

Going into the relationship, I let my GF know that I'm non-monogamous at heart, and I told her that she'll always be free to have sex with whoever she wants as long as she doesn't leave me for them.

She was a bit upset, but agreed that she could live with it as long as I agreed to the same conditions.

Neither of us ever sexed anyone else, probably due to our lack of social skills, but that's just how I laid it out.

Anyway, we broke up over unrelated reasons, but we may as well still be together, as we're (close) friends with benefits now. The terms are still the same.

This is how I hope to have it in every relationship I get into. I don't think I could live with someone who would take my constant interest in other BBWs as a personal insult.


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## Flutterby68 (Dec 20, 2009)

I expect and demand monogamy or nothing. I am either enough for him, or I'm not. There is no middle ground. And if I'm not enough for him, then I will not be with him and I will find someone for whom I AM enough.



Seventy-Seven said:


> Going into the relationship, I let my GF know that I'm non-monogamous at heart, and I told her that she'll always be free to have sex with whoever she wants as long as she doesn't leave me for them.
> 
> She was a bit upset, but agreed that she could live with it as long as I agreed to the same conditions.
> 
> ...


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## Teleute (Dec 20, 2009)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Going into the relationship, I let my GF know that I'm non-monogamous at heart, and I told her that she'll always be free to have sex with whoever she wants as long as she doesn't leave me for them.
> 
> She was a bit upset, but agreed that she could live with it as long as I agreed to the same conditions.
> 
> ...





Flutterby68 said:


> I expect and demand monogamy or nothing. I am either enough for him, or I'm not. There is no middle ground. And if I'm not enough for him, then I will not be with him and I will find someone for whom I AM enough.




Both of these are good - you've both figured out your relationship needs and are up front with them. It's when partners don't mesh on this, or when they're not truthful, that problems arise.


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## escapist (Dec 21, 2009)

Teleute said:


> Both of these are good - you've both figured out your relationship needs and are up front with them. It's when partners don't mesh on this, or when they're not truthful, that problems arise.



Yep, I totally believe that is the key. 

...some-what of a side-note, but people need to stop thinking that just cause someone gives you fun loving attention doesn't mean they have any intention of sleeping with you. Guys seem to suffer from that in particular, or worse they think cause a girl is flirting with them they have every right to push her to go beyond that which she is comfortable with.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Dec 21, 2009)

escapist said:


> Yep, I totally believe that is the key.
> 
> ...some-what of a side-note, but people need to stop thinking that just cause someone gives you fun loving attention doesn't mean they have any intention of sleeping with you. Guys seem to suffer from that in particular, or worse they think cause a girl is flirting with them they have every right to push her to go beyond that which she is comfortable with.



It seems that women are always complaining that guys either don't see the signs that she's attracted to them, or they see all the signs when they're not really there.

Subtlety in flirting is nice, but be more up front about your intentions once he either fails to start making moves on you or comes on too hard.

Plus, that's most common among people who only get "fun loving attention" once in a blue moon.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 21, 2009)

escapist said:


> Yep, I totally believe that is the key.
> 
> ...some-what of a side-note, but people need to stop thinking that just cause someone gives you fun loving attention doesn't mean they have any intention of sleeping with you. Guys seem to suffer from that in particular, or worse they think cause a girl is flirting with them they have every right to push her to go beyond that which she is comfortable with.



Amen!

Seriously...I have run into this on more than one occasion. In particular one of the semi-regulars at a place my guy has weekend gigs has thought that the attention is more than what it is. If I hear from him one more time how we should head out to the parking lot where my guy won't see us, I just may end up not being so nice. At the moment I laugh it off and say, um don't think so. (or his repeated attempts at telling me he could make me forget about my fiance is another annoyance.)

He also seems to think that my guy is/could be crazy jealous and if we went out the door together he'd be coming out after us. ummm #1 I'd have to go out the door with you. #2 he's not crazy jealous and if I went out the door with you he'd probably think it was for something/anything else then what you're implying would happen.

blah.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 21, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> But your man is very flirtatious too... and damned good at it. But he is also one to respect boundaries.
> 
> .



True...he accuses me of being a bigger flirt than he is...whatevery...lol

But it's true we both respect boundaries. And that's the key.


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## Sugarkitten7 (Dec 21, 2009)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> True...he accuses me of being a bigger flirt than he is...whatevery...lol
> 
> But it's true we both respect boundaries. And that's the key.



I'm just wondering if this is going to be a life long problem. Or until i'm 90 and unattractive to most men. will it ever end? sure my boyfriend and i can make promises to each other, but i'm wondering when we'll get to the point where that's no longer a concern. 

i hear people all the time saying that humans weren't meant to be monogamous. Sometimes i wonder if this is true or not. I will never cheat on my boyfriend, but ya know i do see bhm's and think to myself "he's attractive".


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## stldpn (Dec 21, 2009)

escapist said:


> ...some-what of a side-note, but people need to stop thinking that just cause someone gives you fun loving attention doesn't mean they have any intention of sleeping with you. Guys seem to suffer from that in particular, or worse they think cause a girl is flirting with them they have every right to push her to go beyond that which she is comfortable with.



See I always assume just the opposite. I never think a girl is really all that interested in a relationship or anything beyond the mildly good feeling you get from a bit of flirty conversation. I mean, I flirt with my mother's friends and the older nurses at the hospital, who I flirt with has very little to do with actual attraction.


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## Tad (Dec 21, 2009)

I've never had trouble with this....probably because neither my wife nor I ever really get hit on or flirted with that much. :doh: 

For myself I can get this, but I have a bit of a grudge against the world that it does not consider my wife to be as amazingly hot as I do. Then again, we are both fairly quiet people who don't mix and mingle all that much, so some of that is probably just opportunity. When we were first dating there were one or two incidents, but my take was just to be around so that if she looked distressed I could extract her, otherwise let it go....I guess I'm a big believer in the whole "If you love something, let it go....." line of thinking. I never want to hold her to me, I want her to choose to be with me. (she tended to have more of a jealous or insecure or something streak, but as I said I'm not the sort to inspire flirting from strangers)


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## Esther (Dec 21, 2009)

I'm not the jealous type. If girls flirt with my man because she doesn't know he's taken... that's fine. I don't get jealous when he hangs out with his ex girlfriends since he remained friends with all of them, and I don't get jealous when mutual girl friends greet him with a kiss and a hug if they haven't seen him for a long time. None of that stuff bothers me. HOWEVER... it upsets me when a girl is aware that he is taken, or if I'm standing RIGHT THERE, and she feels she has the right to flirt with him and hang all over him. It's not a jealous feeling since I know he's not going to do anything... it just offends me. It offends me that he doesn't tell her to stop it and it offends me that she thinks so little of me that she'll do that in the first place. He has a couple of female friends that do this ALL the time. We'll both arrive somewhere, they'll greet him, ignore me, and then act inappropriately all night ("taste this!" and trying to feed him across the table either with their fingers or with the fork that has been in their fucking mouth, sitting too close to him, hanging off him, hugging him excessively, telling him he'll have to come stay at their place for a few days in whatever city they live in...). I think I have a right to be offended by that.


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## Teleute (Dec 21, 2009)

Sugarkitten7 said:


> I hear people all the time saying that humans weren't meant to be monogamous. Sometimes i wonder if this is true or not. I will never cheat on my boyfriend, but ya know i do see bhm's and think to myself "he's attractive".



I think this is a line of thinking that's frequently used to justify cheating, rather than any particularly brilliant piece of biological insight. While it's true that we're built to have urges like that, we've also developed a complex emotional response to sex; people say "you can't fight nature", but at this point for most people, "nature" is telling them to stick to one partner. Do I think that there are no instances where this is not the case? Hellz no - I have many poly friends who would be completely unable to live monogamously. But the point is that we have a very complex system of emotions, hormones, and intelligence/self-awareness that does not restrict us to "well our ancestors were like this, so we must be too." We are far beyond that, and our decisions are influenced by more than this. 

Regarding your original question, I have certainly had that come up, but I have never had a situation where I felt my relationship was threatened by the flirting. I am very outgoing and flirtatious, and there is a general attitude of friendly flirting among my friends that is entirely non-threatening. You say "it has to be nipped in the bud", but just make sure there's an actual bud to be nipped.  The "they read too much into it" has happened a few times, but I'm comfortable being direct with the person to tell them I'm not actually interested, and so far I've managed to do it with a minimum of hurt and awkwardness. I think Flutterby's right about boundaries, though; it sounds like blue eyed banshee and her guy are both well aware of the boundaries and have friends who respect them also... unlike the women who flirt with Flutterby's man, who sound like they have ZERO sense of appropriate limits and start feeling him up  The thing that would bother me about that is not even being afraid of HIM cheating (I wouldn't really be able to be with someone longterm if I didn't have that level of trust in them anyway), but the huge level of disrespect on the part of the women who were groping him.


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## escapist (Dec 21, 2009)

Wow ok, I wasn't expecting that big of a response to what I wrote. I'll do my best to address what I saw.



Seventy-Seven said:


> It seems that women are always complaining that guys either don't see the signs that she's attracted to them, or they see all the signs when they're not really there.
> 
> Subtlety in flirting is nice, but be more up front about your intentions once he either fails to start making moves on you or comes on too hard.
> 
> Plus, that's most common among people who only get "fun loving attention" once in a blue moon.



I don't want to beat a dead horse but I'm gonna fall back on Social Dynamic Basics here. Often in the attraction development community we call this making an SOI (Statement of Intent), and that can be anything as long as its fairly direct and it hast to be something stronger than what someone's mother would say to them like instead of: "You look really nice tonight." it can be a more of "Wow, you look incredibly sexy.". Most often I think the part your talking about is reading IOI's & IOD's (Indicators of Interest & Indicators of Dissinterest). IOI/IOD's are the real black art of attraction communication. Untill you can read this be prepared to well, be socialy awkward, make a fool of yourself, and endure the school of hard knocks till you can do it or you just hit blind luck (don't worry most people rely on blind luck anyways...you know the we just kinda found each other when we weren't looking).

A lot of the IOI/IOD stuff is body language most people will give body language before they even tell you to go jump in a lake guys have a really bad problem of not seeing it so they end up thinking the girl is just a bitch when she is really just pissed that you couldn't tell she wasn't interested in talking to you anymore. Some IOD clues are, she's looking around, talking to her friend you know IGNORING you....guy's its not her fault your not interesting to her. On the other hand, when she's playing with her hair, leaning into you while you talk, TOUCHING you! Those are pretty strong indicators...but still at that phase they are still only indicators, you don't know JACK until go to kiss close or suggest a change of location and she goes off with you.

That brings me to BEB:


BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> Amen!
> 
> Seriously...I have run into this on more than one occasion. In particular one of the semi-regulars at a place my guy has weekend gigs has thought that the attention is more than what it is. *If I hear from him one more time how we should head out to the parking lot where my guy won't see us*, I just may end up not being so nice. At the moment I laugh it off and say, um don't think so. (or his repeated attempts at telling me he could make me forget about my fiance is another annoyance.)



First of all, unless a guy is at a swinger club, and he knows a woman is taken, don't be a dick and try to steel her away and push her, and sweet talk her and tell her your the man. Your attempts at being cool have just become an EPIC FAIL. What cool guy does that? I never met any guy that convince a woman to feel a the way he wants her to anyways. I only know guys who can project the best parts of them self and let the women feel or not feel attraction.

So BEB, maybe I need to send you a business card so you can refer the guy to me cause apparently his "Game" has no "Game" to it.

Sugarkitten:


Sugarkitten7 said:


> I'm just wondering if this is going to be a life long problem. Or until i'm 90 and unattractive to most men. will it ever end? sure my boyfriend and i can make promises to each other, but i'm wondering when we'll get to the point where that's no longer a concern.
> 
> i hear people all the time saying that humans weren't meant to be monogamous. Sometimes i wonder if this is true or not. I will never cheat on my boyfriend, but ya know i do see bhm's and think to myself "he's attractive".



I don't want to get into a science discussion, I just think monogamy, polygamy or any such things are really just choices, that is our advantage over the rest of the animal kingdom, we aren't just compelled we choose. Society just likes to make up rules for us to conform to though and heck thats what size acceptance is about too: changing some of the narrow views of society.

This issue over concern is truly up to you, when will you free your own mind of it? Is it really a bad thing to let life play out as it will and let people choose who they will be? You will either accept or not accept those choices anyways. Worrying about a choice that might be made by a partner to cheat in a few years could be a serious waist of time if that partner were to be hit by a car and dye next year....you wouldn't walk around worrying about that all day long would you?...cause what if it didn't happen?

It really comes down to trust. Do you trust him to keep a vow? Do you trust that you can go on if he doesn't? If the answer is yes, move on, if the answer is no...you got work to do, or you can just end the relationship now out of fear (*B*alse *E*vidence *A*ppearing *R*eal). Like I said, this is a fate that is truly in your hands. So stop wondering and engage your fear or concern as you put it.

*stldpn*:


stldpn said:


> See I always assume just the opposite. I never think a girl is really all that interested in a relationship or anything beyond the mildly good feeling you get from a bit of flirty conversation. I mean, I flirt with my mother's friends and the older nurses at the hospital, who I flirt with has very little to do with actual attraction.



I think that is a common misconception. Companionship is a deep rooted need in most people. Even on a biological level we are not meant to be alone, the chemicals that are released just from touch are important to your physiology. I don't know a single lonely person who doesn't long for just 1 person in life who truly gets them, trust them, believes in them, makes them laugh, holds them when they cry, and helps them to see the world in a different way.

Once I was visiting one of my sisters, I met one of her very attractive friends. My sister insisted that I am not her friends type, I am the farthest thing from it, she would never have any interest in me. First of all, if you know me...I disregard all such talk. Her friend came over, we had a GREAT time together. Later got her number and we continued to have great interaction together much to my sisters dismay. Due to distance we were unable to pursue anything but there is an attraction that can be felt when we see each other even now.

The reason, its just a "flirt" level thing is because you project nothing more than a flirt level "thing". Trust me when I say I know how to turn that projection on or off up or down. I have a friend that uses the kind of flirting your talking about just to make new connections and friends. He will use the same line on a 18 year old girl and a 60 year old woman. It comes off as very over the top and well silly. I've had playful banter with the woman in the grocery line, but I've also made the clerk at the clothing store soak her underwear just from a quick 30 minute conversation (I know because she told me once we started dating, and well she was visibly shaking in front of me).

Now that I think about it, I wonder how many of the guy's who have written me were having that issue you just described, it was nothing more than playful banter because in their had it could be nothing more....hummm.

Tad: 


Tad said:


> I guess I'm a big believer in the whole "If you love something, let it go....." line of thinking. I never want to hold her to me, I want her to choose to be with me.



EXACTLY! let people be who they choose to be, and when they continually choose you, nothing can be more beautiful than that. Thats the kind of relationship that only gets stronger every day. Its not a fluke, or an accident, or crazy mishap, its a choice....and a beautiful one at that. :bow: :happy:


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## Teleute (Dec 21, 2009)

escapist said:


> Untill you can read this be prepared to well, be socialy awkward, make a fool of yourself, and endure the school of hard knocks till you can do it or you just hit blind luck (don't worry most people rely on blind luck anyways...you know the we just kinda found each other when we weren't looking).



You had a long post and all of it good, so I'm just going to say... this is very true. I think a big part of why I can maintain the level of flirting that I do is because I'm pretty socially aware and good at reading people, so I can see when someone is getting TOO interested or is feeling defensive. But I certainly had my share of humiliating moments as a socially-awkward child :blush:


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## escapist (Dec 21, 2009)

Esther said:


> I'm not the jealous type. If girls flirt with my man because she doesn't know he's taken... that's fine. I don't get jealous when *he hangs out with his ex girlfriends since he remained friends with all of them*, and I don't get jealous when mutual girl friends greet him with a kiss and a hug if they haven't seen him for a long time. None of that stuff bothers me. HOWEVER... it upsets me when a girl is aware that he is taken, or if I'm standing RIGHT THERE, and she feels she has the right to flirt with him and hang all over him. It's not a jealous feeling since I know he's not going to do anything... it just offends me. It offends me that he doesn't tell her to stop it and it offends me that she thinks so little of me that she'll do that in the first place. He has a couple of female friends that do this ALL the time. We'll both arrive somewhere, they'll greet him, ignore me, and then act inappropriately all night ("taste this!" and trying to feed him across the table either with their fingers or with the fork that has been in their fucking mouth, sitting too close to him, hanging off him, hugging him excessively, telling him he'll have to come stay at their place for a few days in whatever city they live in...). I think I have a right to be offended by that.



First of all I need to show Chicken Legs that line in red....SEE Babe, i'm not the only guy that does that! 

2nd If you own fire arms I recommend a safe and a key code that you don't know lol.

3rd...so reminds me of this lol: http://www.slashcontrol.com/free-tv-shows/saturday-night-live/1777789349-the-needlers


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## escapist (Dec 21, 2009)

Teleute said:


> You had a long post and all of it good, so I'm just going to say... this is very true. I think a big part of why I can maintain the level of flirting that I do is because I'm pretty socially aware and good at reading people, so I can see when someone is getting TOO interested or is feeling defensive. But I certainly had my share of humiliating moments as a socially-awkward child :blush:



Yeah that learning curve isn't pretty :blush: I fightenly remember mine too  :doh:


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## TallFatSue (Dec 21, 2009)

Sugarkitten7 said:


> I'm curious how many people on here have had to deal with other women/men on their significant other. Not cheating or anything but flirting and being overly friendly.


I've dealt with this on occasion ever since my now-husband & I began to date wayyyy back in 1977. Some women seem to think it's sporting to flirt with my husband simply because one of my legs weighs more than their entire body so I'm probably a pushover, right? Wrong! They are soooo barking up the wrong tree. I just sit back, smile and watch the fireworks not happen. Their look of gradually-dawning bewilderment is usually priceless.


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## Sugarkitten7 (Dec 21, 2009)

Teleute said:


> I think this is a line of thinking that's frequently used to justify cheating, rather than any particularly brilliant piece of biological insight. While it's true that we're built to have urges like that, we've also developed a complex emotional response to sex; people say "you can't fight nature", but at this point for most people, "nature" is telling them to stick to one partner. Do I think that there are no instances where this is not the case? Hellz no - I have many poly friends who would be completely unable to live monogamously. But the point is that we have a very complex system of emotions, hormones, and intelligence/self-awareness that does not restrict us to "well our ancestors were like this, so we must be too." We are far beyond that, and our decisions are influenced by more than this.
> 
> Regarding your original question, I have certainly had that come up, but I have never had a situation where I felt my relationship was threatened by the flirting. I am very outgoing and flirtatious, and there is a general attitude of friendly flirting among my friends that is entirely non-threatening. You say "it has to be nipped in the bud", but just make sure there's an actual bud to be nipped.  The "they read too much into it" has happened a few times, but I'm comfortable being direct with the person to tell them I'm not actually interested, and so far I've managed to do it with a minimum of hurt and awkwardness. I think Flutterby's right about boundaries, though; it sounds like blue eyed banshee and her guy are both well aware of the boundaries and have friends who respect them also... unlike the women who flirt with Flutterby's man, who sound like they have ZERO sense of appropriate limits and start feeling him up  The thing that would bother me about that is not even being afraid of HIM cheating (I wouldn't really be able to be with someone longterm if I didn't have that level of trust in them anyway), but the huge level of disrespect on the part of the women who were groping him.



Yeah, you're right, we do have the choice to choose if we're mono or poly. And I admit sometimes I've cracked the whip to hard on my man with some of his friends who happen to be women (he's bi) so at times I feel a little competitive. Jealousy blinds me sometimes. 

Trust with the opposite or same sex seems to be a good part of a strong relationship.


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## Tad (Dec 21, 2009)

I have a friend who, once outside of a couple of glasses of scotch, has been known to rant about his impatience with non-transactional conversations. Besides proving his geek roots from the choice of words, it is a bit of an extreme example of a common male tendency. In other words, a lot of guys dont see the point in talking for emotional reasons, bonding, or whatever. It is an approach to the world of all that matters is what we do, so the reason to talk to someone is to make some action happen. 

I think guys who have this approach tend to have a particular trouble reading what is friendly flirting versus what is something else. To them, the only sane reason flirt with someone is an attempt to lead things towards a romantic action; anything else doesnt make sense from a transactional communication bias. They may know, intellectually, that other people communicate for other reasons, but what we know intellectually does not always get considered in the heat of the moment (especially after a bit to drink, it is late and we are tired, and so forth). Guys with this bias also are likely to have issues with their partner flirting, for the same reasoning. If you are used to guys like this, you may have issues with your male partner flirting, or with having males flirt with your partner. 

In other words, aside from trusting your partner, you have to trust the other side of the flirting, and you have to believe that flirting can be fun which doesnt mean anything, and is really, honestly, done purely for fun without any intentions of taking it farther. I can get how any number of people wouldnt have faith in one or more of those three legs.


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## likeitmatters (Dec 21, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> I expect and demand monogamy or nothing. I am either enough for him, or I'm not. There is no middle ground. And if I'm not enough for him, then I will not be with him and I will find someone for whom I AM enough.




I agree with you completely about monogamy and the way the human race actst they sometimes dont care about spreading disease and like the rest of you, I can be very flirty with men and women..yes women too but more harmless than anything else...I think some men need to know what it is like to be whistled at or have goo goo eyes on them or a yelling out the window hey stud muffin what is shaking? lol

:bow:


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## Flutterby68 (Dec 21, 2009)

I figure that if a woman is talking to my man and even flirting (to a point)... I can let that go. But if she starts touching, all bets are off and she's gonna regret it. But then, I trust that HE would stop it before it got to that point.

If he DID NOT stop it... we'd have other issues to deal with LOL


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## escapist (Dec 21, 2009)

likeitmatters said:


> I agree with you completely about monogamy and the way the human race actst they sometimes dont care about spreading disease and like the rest of you, I can be very flirty with men and women..yes women too but more harmless than anything else...I think some men need to know what it is like to be whistled at or have goo goo eyes on them or a yelling out the window hey stud muffin what is shaking? lol
> 
> :bow:



I actually agree, it started happening to me when I was 19. I went from 325 to 245 and got all sorts of attention. I was hit on equally by men and women constantly especially at my job. I worked the graveyard shift at one of the Casino's here in town and the funny thing was the guys were more respectful than the girls. I only had problems with 1 gay man who just wouldn't stop hitting on me. Luckily I knew the other guys at the table and they kept insisting to him I was strait and he needed to stop. Like I said though, the women were wayyyyyyy worse! Women would constantly grab at my package, lift up my apron, grab my ass, and do all sorts of crazy stuff. The strippers wore the worst they would come in off their shift around 4-5am and start whistling at me and trying to take my clothes of telling me, "Its your turn to strip for us!". 

None of them could realize that in my head, I was still the 325 lb. Fat Kid that nobody wanted. The flip side of this is the only women who can make me blush now are VERY dominate, very attractive women!


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Dec 21, 2009)

escapist said:


> n
> First of all, unless a guy is at a swinger club, and he knows a woman is taken, don't be a dick and try to steel her away and push her, and sweet talk her and tell her your the man. Your attempts at being cool have just become an EPIC FAIL. What cool guy does that? I never met any guy that convince a woman to feel a the way he wants her to anyways. I only know guys who can project the best parts of them self and let the women feel or not feel attraction.
> 
> So BEB, maybe I need to send you a business card so you can refer the guy to me cause apparently his "Game" has no "Game" to it.



Send me your card because he totally does not have game...and I blew off the first time as he was drunk and stupid. The second time...on my fiance's birthday, I realized he was just a power tool. I'll send him to you for some schoolin'


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## Cors (Dec 22, 2009)

I don't have issues with sharing, as long as I get along with the girl and she doesn't trigger any of my insecurities (eg. her being my partner's physical ideal that I look nothing like). 

I am drawn to unconventional folks and get quite a bit of negative attention from friends and strangers for that, so it is a welcome change to know that someone else finds my partner attractive. I know that people who share my preferences exist but it is always something else to see it in person. I used to live in an extremely unaccepting place so I would have loved to meet other FAs and FFAs, even if I found out only because they started hitting on my partner. 

Also, most of my bigger partners had poor self-esteem and didn't want to believe that _anyone_ can be attracted to them. Of course, they are so oblivious when someone actually shows interest or so paranoid that they think it must be some sort of dare. Having someone who isn't drunk, desperate or disrespectful actually take the time to compliment my then-partner and try to get to know them up goes a long way in helping me disprove their assumptions. I enjoy watching them bask in the attention, plus it usually puts them in such a good mood for hours. 

All of that will still apply even if they are confident and/or conventionally attractive. Most people like knowing that people of their preferred gender(s) find them appealing and that doesn't change just because you get into a monogamous relationship.


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## Tad (Dec 22, 2009)

Cors said:


> so it is a welcome change to know that someone else finds my partner attractive.
> .....
> Having someone who isn't drunk, desperate or disrespectful actually take the time to compliment my then-partner and try to get to know them up goes a long way in helping me disprove their assumptions. I enjoy watching them bask in the attention, plus it usually puts them in such a good mood for hours.
> 
> All of that will still apply even if they are confident and/or conventionally attractive. Most people like knowing that people of their preferred gender(s) find them appealing and that doesn't change just because you get into a monogamous relationship.



Yah, all of that. My wife doesn't get nearly as much attention from others as I think she deserves, and she doesn't expect positive attention from others in general, so much of the same dynamic holds true for how I feel about her getting attention, even if she is not so distinctive as your partners.

Plus, just to say, as a general rule of thumb if you want to make a guy's day, compliment his partner (in a classy sort of way). I think most guys would rather have their partner's desirability confirmed than their own (male ego thing, I think--if everyone wants her/him, and she/he chooses you, then clearly you are awesome!)


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## likeitmatters (Dec 22, 2009)

escapist said:


> I actually agree, it started happening to me when I was 19. I went from 325 to 245 and got all sorts of attention. I was hit on equally by men and women constantly especially at my job. I worked the graveyard shift at one of the Casino's here in town and the funny thing was the guys were more respectful than the girls. I only had problems with 1 gay man who just wouldn't stop hitting on me. Luckily I knew the other guys at the table and they kept insisting to him I was strait and he needed to stop. Like I said though, the women were wayyyyyyy worse! Women would constantly grab at my package, lift up my apron, grab my ass, and do all sorts of crazy stuff. The strippers wore the worst they would come in off their shift around 4-5am and start whistling at me and trying to take my clothes of telling me, "Its your turn to strip for us!".
> 
> None of them could realize that in my head, I was still the 325 lb. Fat Kid that nobody wanted. The flip side of this is the only women who can make me blush now are VERY dominate, very attractive women!





well, I thought I would tell ya you are just adorable and any woman would be happy to be with you and I bet you look sharp in anything you wear...and you are not fat, just fluffy for your height...lol

I would never try to take your clothes off, I like to have a little modesty and I dont want to be scared either..lol

:bow:


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## chicken legs (Dec 22, 2009)

likeitmatters said:


> well, I thought I would tell ya you are just adorable and any woman would be happy to be with you and I bet you look sharp in anything you wear...and you are not fat, just fluffy for your height...lol
> 
> I would never try to take your clothes off, I like to have a little modesty and I dont want to be scared either..lol
> 
> :bow:



LOL...Fluffy...

idk about fluffly....Thick..dense..beefy...yeah...


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## escapist (Dec 22, 2009)

chicken legs said:


> LOL...Fluffy...
> 
> idk about fluffly....Thick..dense..beefy...yeah...



yeah Chicken is Obsessed with the density of my body. I don't really giggle, but I'm freaking 500 lbs. There is no way I'm not a BHM, I'm just not fluffy and soft like a lot of the other super big guys. I don't know why but there are parts of me that just aren't really that fat at all, and other parts that are very chubby in a thick dense way.

Thank you for the respect too. I actually have had many gay friends whom I was very close with. One of them made me promise that if I ever did switch teams that he would be my first lol. He was a great guy, we used to have a lot of fun screwing with people so they would think I was gay too only to find out I'm totally straight (usually when I was making out with the girls at the party's) I'm just very secure in my sexuality


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## likeitmatters (Dec 22, 2009)

escapist said:


> yeah Chicken is Obsessed with the density of my body. I don't really giggle, but I'm freaking 500 lbs. There is no way I'm not a BHM, I'm just not fluffy and soft like a lot of the other super big guys. I don't know why but there are parts of me that just aren't really that fat at all, and other parts that are very chubby in a thick dense way.
> 
> Thank you for the respect too. I actually have had many gay friends whom I was very close with. One of them made me promise that if I ever did switch teams that he would be my first lol. He was a great guy, we used to have a lot of fun screwing with people so they would think I was gay too only to find out I'm totally straight (usually when I was making out with the girls at the party's) I'm just very secure in my sexuality



I think you should show the ladies here and ofcourse me a pic of you butt naked and those parts of you that are private cover with a big hat so nothing will show...I think the ladies want a gift for xmas..a studly handsome sexy and confidant man and did I say sexy???? just wondering if my sucking up works on straight men? :bow:


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## escapist (Dec 22, 2009)

likeitmatters said:


> I think you should show the ladies here and ofcourse me a pic of you butt naked and those parts of you that are private cover with a big hat so nothing will show...I think the ladies want a gift for xmas..a studly handsome sexy and confidant man and did I say sexy???? just wondering if my sucking up works on straight men? :bow:



ROFL. I don't know man, I would never hear the end to the fact that I have a "heart shaped ass".

I will admit there are secret photo's out there that a select few have


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## likeitmatters (Dec 30, 2009)

escapist said:


> ROFL. I don't know man, I would never hear the end to the fact that I have a "heart shaped ass".
> 
> I will admit there are secret photo's out there that a select few



heart shaped ass??? I think the ladies want to see that and see you in your all together. If you wish, I will come to you and take some cheese cake pics for you and I will be completely unbiased...lol

:bow:


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