# Large ladies...we need answers!



## CherryBlossom (Feb 6, 2008)

Well, hi I'm new! I've registered a while back but this is my first post. My friend and I have been discussing this for a while and we want some opinions. I apologize in advance if any of this comes off offensively...I'm new to this community and if I say anything rude, I promise it's from just being ignorant about these issues.

My friend and I can't get any attention from men at all. No matter what we do. And me and her are constantly looking around and seeing fat women with boyfriends...so we think something else might be wrong with us. We just can't figure out what we're...doing wrong, know what I mean? 

First off, has any of the women here ever had trouble finding a romantic partner? Is this common among plus size women? I see so much stuff on the media about how it's true...but yet in real life most women seem to have no problem doing it.

I'll tell you about me. I'm 20, I'm 5'7'', 260lbs. I carry most of my weight in my belly and arms, but I have plenty of curves all over and I have DD breasts...which aren't big for a woman my size I guess, but they're in proportion.

I'm in college, so I'm at least average intelligence. My friends say I'm fun to be around. I smile everywhere I go.

I take care of my hair and wear nice clothes. I wear tasteful makeup and nice accessories.

I'm not saying this to brag, I'm just trying to emphasize that I'm a normal girl. Here's a picture of my face: http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff71/BethyBeth88/gfdfgfsdgds.jpg

Yet no men ever approach me. Ever. Not even for a hook up...which I don't really want...but it would be nice to get offered ya know! My friend is in the same predicament.

What do you think it could be? I so love how much confidence everyone here has...and how sexy you really are. I think fat women are gorgeous and I love their bodies as well...it's like a work of art. And I respect your opinion so much.

Soo....be honest...why do you think my friend and I might not be getting any attention? Have you noticed anything that we may have neglected to think about? You can be harsh...just don't be mean.  It's my first post here and I feel pretty dumb asking this question. 

Thank you so much for reading this.


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## Ned Sonntag (Feb 6, 2008)

Bethy Beth you look like my college girlfriend but even cuter and I always find arm plumpness extremely important... so... surely there are dudes on the horizon...


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 6, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> Well, hi I'm new! I've registered a while back but this is my first post. My friend and I have been discussing this for a while and we want some opinions. I apologize in advance if any of this comes off offensively...I'm new to this community and if I say anything rude, I promise it's from just being ignorant about these issues.
> 
> My friend and I can't get any attention from men at all. No matter what we do. And me and her are constantly looking around and seeing fat women with boyfriends...so we think something else might be wrong with us. We just can't figure out what we're...doing wrong, know what I mean?
> 
> ...



You're a very pretty girl which probably works against you in some ways. A guy may be intimidated thinking he's the dorky teen trying to strike up a convo with the prom queen. Let's daydream for a minute. Say you're standing there on the street. This cute guy sees you and thinks you're cute as hell. You don't see him but he sees you. He comes over to you and says, "__________(fill in the blank)____________ ." Then you run away, get knocked up, get married and live happily ever after - in that order. Whatever line you put in that blank spot, say it to someone if you think he's a hottie. 

I'm not saying it will work. Just do it and report back. Post pics if you can.


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## Sugar (Feb 6, 2008)

Part of it could be the places that you go? Meaning college hangouts.

My ex is a college professor and I'd go to the college a lot. I've never even had someone so much as look me in the eye at that school unless they knew me. That being said I get approached a lot in general public, older crowd places...etc. 

Could it be that even if there is a handful of FA's where you are they're at an age where they aren't out of their so-called closet? When I was 20 boys had no interest in me whatsoever...and even if they did I couldn't tell to save me.

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you or your friend. Keep doing what you're doing and being happy. Engery will come full circle.


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## vcrgrrl (Feb 6, 2008)

Hi,

Your picture is so pretty!

I too have a hard time meeting men. I think a lot of it is the area where I live, and the fact that I'm just not around single guys very much. I put a personal ad online, and I have met one guy from there. We went out on one date, and it was nice but I'm taking my time. 

Just hang in there! Eventually, you'll meet someone.


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## KnottyOne (Feb 6, 2008)

I really can't imagine why you would be having issues finding a guy. I mean, you have a really cute face abd you sound like you are a really sweet girl. Only thing I could possibly think is that you maybe need to put yourself out there more, like dont be reserved at all. I don't mean physically but like, just try to be the life of where ur at and have as much fun as you can. Just speaking from myself if I see a girl having as much fun and living up life as much as possible I want to get in on that because they look like they will be awsome to be with just because it will always be fun. At least thats what I think could help.


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## Candy_Coated_Clown (Feb 6, 2008)

Ok I am not sure why this is because when I looked at your picture I immediately thought, "Oh she's got a very pretty face"...so it certainly can't be because you look horrid or unapproachable in this regard. So I am stumped.

Are you and your friend both shy? Where do you live? Maybe it's the location or the climate of men in your area?

Also because you never know, you should post more pics of yourself here on the board as you could meet and get to know someone here by gaining admirers. This might help with your confidence as well or shyness if you are shy.


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## mossystate (Feb 6, 2008)

Hi, Cherry...you look so familiar. Have you posted on any other sites? I am really trying to remember where I saw you....or your twin!


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## Fairia (Feb 6, 2008)

Hey there. Your pic has that squeaky-clean-cheery sort of girl, almost like you look younger than your age. I can also tell it's one that's full of life, no wonder why you smile alot .

I used to have a BF who not only knew of my interests, but was also willing to try them. He was also a BBW lover and balloon fetishist, so I also tried that. I know these days i miss what I had, but I have to keep telling myself there's someone else out there for me as well, for all these categories I enjoy and what I want in a guy who just happens to have the different face or build or persona.


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## NoWayOut (Feb 6, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> Well, hi I'm new! I've registered a while back but this is my first post. My friend and I have been discussing this for a while and we want some opinions. I apologize in advance if any of this comes off offensively...I'm new to this community and if I say anything rude, I promise it's from just being ignorant about these issues.
> 
> My friend and I can't get any attention from men at all. No matter what we do. And me and her are constantly looking around and seeing fat women with boyfriends...so we think something else might be wrong with us. We just can't figure out what we're...doing wrong, know what I mean?
> 
> ...



You live in a town full of idiots?

I seriously have no idea. You are obviously very pretty, and you seem like a really nice person. If you lived close to me and I knew for sure I could give a girlfriend the amount of attention she deserves, I would gladly date you.


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## lpssway (Feb 6, 2008)

Wow... seriously, lady, you are freaking gorgeous beyond words. No lie. I can honestly say I have no idea why you do not have a boyfriend. But, I have narrowed it down to two theories;

1. They are completely, utterly, legally, and every adjective to go with the word blind!

2. They are not too bright.


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## Just_Jen (Feb 6, 2008)

:bow: you definately seem to live in a place full of stupid people! you should move *nods* or just let all of Dims love you instead  :smitten:


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## Jon Blaze (Feb 6, 2008)

KnottyOne said:


> I really can't imagine why you would be having issues finding a guy. I mean, you have a really cute face abd you sound like you are a really sweet girl. Only thing I could possibly think is that you maybe need to put yourself out there more, like dont be reserved at all. I don't mean physically but like, just try to be the life of where ur at and have as much fun as you can. Just speaking from myself if I see a girl having as much fun and living up life as much as possible I want to get in on that because they look like they will be awsome to be with just because it will always be fun. At least thats what I think could help.



Agreed, and your face looks very familiar. NoWayOut's comment is funny too.


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## Chode McBlob (Feb 6, 2008)

You're very pretty. I can't understand why you can't get dates.


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## ThikJerseyChik (Feb 6, 2008)

When I was in the dating scene, I looked for the BBW events locally, you can google BBW dances/bashes/events for your county or whatever large city you are near, I would bet my paycheck that you will find LOTS of friendly friends and people just like you looking to meet people their ages for fun and festivus!

You are a gorgeous young lady....keep your eyes open!

TJC


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## moore2me (Feb 6, 2008)

It's be a while since I was in the dating scene, but I have a question either for CherryBlossum for any of the other single men or women here posting.

*How about Cherry (or any other single chicks) asking guys out on dates?* I hear too many women talking about seeing others paired up with men - why not ask a guy out if he suits your fancy & is single?

Sure, you'll be turned down a few times (guys are too), but if you're waiting for Mr. Right, why not take an active approach rather than reactive? 

View attachment 210150.jpg


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## ashmamma84 (Feb 6, 2008)

moore2me said:


> It's be a while since I was in the dating scene, but I have a question either for CherryBlossum for any of the other single men or women here posting.
> 
> *How about Cherry (or any other single chicks) asking guys out on dates?* I hear too many women talking about seeing others paired up with men - why not ask a guy out if he suits your fancy & is single?
> 
> Sure, you'll be turned down a few times (guys are too), but if you're waiting for Mr. Right, why not take an active approach rather than reactive?



I agree -- nothing wrong with approaching someone you are interested in. Some times we can play it too safe and miss out on meeting some really great people.


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## GWARrior (Feb 6, 2008)

being pretty wont get you everything in life.

make yourself more approachable by approaching others.


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## bexy (Feb 6, 2008)

*to the OP you are beautiful, lovely pic. but lets not forget this is not a problem limited to larger women. i've never had a problem with it, but then again ive never had a problem making the first move either lol!
i know a lot of girls who are size 8/10 who have. they dont get approached and dont do any approaching.
Personality, approachability and confidence also go a long way.

start having faith in yourself, and stop looking, lol! they usually turn up when u do that!

good luck and keep us posted *


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## samoacookie (Feb 6, 2008)

First of all you are beautiful! This works for guys and girls.

You need to have a plan with your girlfriend so that you can take turns approaching different guys - one of you will be the talker (or wingman) & the other the shy one. The talker says stuff like - it's my girlfriends birthday - where is a good place to go after this or aren't u in my english class? Guys are easy to meet when you give them an opener even if you just ask them to hand you a napkin they will normally say something to start a conversation. It's easier for them if one is a bit shy one so that they don't feel like two girls are putting them on the spot. Some guys go for the shy one & some want the talker so you both will win if you take turns. The more you do this the easier it gets and you will appear really confident - the more confident you are the more guys will approach you without having to do anything. If you are nervous try it somewhere new where no one knows you and you probably won't ever see them again so there is no risk.

When you are in a place like school where you will see everyone all the time the key is to meet as many guys as you can - (join stuff if u have to). When you are out you get to say hi to them & they will introduce you to their friends & so on. I always try to keep things very cool especially if you like someone - try to chat for a bit (like 10-15 min tops) and then say something like I have to go find my other friend or some other nice excuse & say maybe I'll see u later - but you cannot go back. Because you left first they will be naturally interested and will usually come right up to you the next time they see you or may end up even looking for you. When they see that you are not the type that is going to attach yourself to him all night (the horror!) they will always be happy to see you. You get to be the cool girl and it might take a few times before it works on some of them but because you have done it with quite a few guys there will always be someone you've been nice to that will come over to you. It never seems like you are hitting on them but works really well.


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## D_A_Bunny (Feb 7, 2008)

First off Cherry, you are a very pretty girl. 

Secondly, although I have not been on the dating scene for a while (thank goodness) my friends and I always had luck with one scenario.

Whenever we were out already with guys, other guys would approach us. This was a mix of thin and fat girls. I guess some guys want what another guy already has, or has tried out, so to speak. So, we actually got some of our guy friends to go out with us one night to try it out. Not only did it work for us, but it worked for them as well.

I don't know if this has worked for anyone else, but it sure wouldn't hurt to try. Plus, you will already be out having a good time and all prospective males will see what a happy, pretty, fun person you are.

Happy hunting and please let us know how it goes!


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## mediaboy (Feb 7, 2008)

I'd stick it in you.

But in all seriousness, as a 22 year old FA I would definitely strike up a conversation with you at a bar or a coffee shop or walking down the street or while we were both riding a til-a-whirl. That being said, perhaps the question you should ask yourself is, "What the hell is wrong with every one else?"


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## Candy_Coated_Clown (Feb 7, 2008)

Hmmm...was the OP scared off?


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## love dubh (Feb 7, 2008)

Fake it 'til ya make it!

Like many have said, put yourself out there. Just go up to a handsome fella (or not so-handsome fella, for practice!), and strike up a conversation. Learn how to maintain a conversation with a stranger. If you do it with someone you're not-so-hot about, it might make it less intimidating/nervous.


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## Gspoon (Feb 7, 2008)

Not sure why guys aren't talkin to you, you're a knock out!

Anyway, I am not sure either, I am trying to get my friend to meet some girls, he is in the same pickle as you. I wish I could help, but as far as I am concerned. I can't help ya.

You're still very pretty! You and your friend will do fine


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## Neen (Feb 7, 2008)

You're Beautiful!! Welcome to Dimensions!!


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## Observer (Feb 8, 2008)

First of all, the post was made in the early AM and its been less than 24 hours, so its very probable the OP hasn't gotten back here yet. Its also possible we're just being asked for our best opinions to ssee what we'll do with it.

Either way, my advice would be the same: in college get involved with some co-educational groups and clubs where you share common interests. Political, service social - there are any number of choices. Church and otherr off-camopus groups are good too. You''ll initially make friends there, then try to draw out people you like - get them to talking about themselves and establish yourself as their friend. Next ask them to work on a project, go shopping, etc. - especially in tandem with your g/f. Make it a group thing rather than a date until you really know them.


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## fatgirlflyin (Feb 8, 2008)

mediaboy said:


> I'd stick it in you.




Wow, how on earth could any girl pass up an offer like that?


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## bmann0413 (Feb 8, 2008)

Well, I think you're totally hot... Buuuuuut I'd have trouble approaching you because of that... lol


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## allengland (Feb 8, 2008)

It's easy. Just be English and talk about the weather. After that, everything will seem interesting and suddenly talking to people won't be a problem!!


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## CuslonGodibb (Feb 8, 2008)

CherryBlossom - welcome to Dimensions!

Others have already given you very good pieces of advice, I think.

From what you're telling, I can't see why it is you who are the problem. It sounds like you're a very attractive, pretty girl. Maybe it's the guys who are the problem, you know? mediaboy put it perfectly:


mediaboy said:


> [---] perhaps the question you should ask yourself is, "What the hell is wrong with every one else?"


 
So, my advice: Don't blame yourself! If anything, it might be a good idea to try to improve your self-confidence. This, of course, is true not only when it comes to meeting guys but for life in general.

Don't give up! Good luck!

/ CuslonGodibb



CherryBlossom said:


> Well, hi I'm new! I've registered a while back but this is my first post. My friend and I have been discussing this for a while and we want some opinions. I apologize in advance if any of this comes off offensively...I'm new to this community and if I say anything rude, I promise it's from just being ignorant about these issues.
> 
> My friend and I can't get any attention from men at all. No matter what we do. And me and her are constantly looking around and seeing fat women with boyfriends...so we think something else might be wrong with us. We just can't figure out what we're...doing wrong, know what I mean?
> 
> ...


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## TallFatSue (Feb 8, 2008)

DumbAssBunny said:


> First off Cherry, you are a very pretty girl.
> 
> Secondly, although I have not been on the dating scene for a while (thank goodness) my friends and I always had luck with one scenario.
> 
> Whenever we were out already with guys, other guys would approach us. This was a mix of thin and fat girls. I guess some guys want what another guy already has, or has tried out, so to speak. So, we actually got some of our guy friends to go out with us one night to try it out. Not only did it work for us, but it worked for them as well.


This is absolutely true, and not only in the dating scene. People tend to judge other people by how they are perceived in public. That might explain why some horse faces (to put it politely) are trumpeted as celebrity glamor idols. In the professional world, I've seen more than a few people suddenly grow in general esteem when someone else takes interest. Does anyone remember the movie _Funny Girl_? In one scene the Fanny Brice character gets no respect from her manager, until the Nick Arnstein character shows interest, whereupon her manager suddenly realizes how valuable she is and a small bidding war erupts.


love dubh said:


> Fake it 'til ya make it!


In high school in the 1970s, I adopted a phony veneer of confidence mostly as a defense mechanism, and to my surprise it worked surprisingly well. Of course I was still the big tall fat girl, but people began to see me as a happy, fun person. Soon I had lots of friends plus a few boyfriends too. Eventually my confidence became genuine, and people sure picked up on it.


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## Abernachy (Feb 8, 2008)

Well I think you have a pretty face, albeit you do look familiar, I'm curious if you are near the southern Mississppi Gulf Coast area.

Anyways, well the idea could be that mentally there are men thinking about you but they are too scared and have no idea on how to approach you. Some may be FAs but may be with nonFA friends and they may not have the confidence to handle any kind of ridicule that their friends would give them. 

Another idea would be to try and play the male role and approach them and get to know them, you would have to deal with the possibility of rejection, it will sting, but you will eventually get used to it (I'm still getting used to it myself). That being said, if I see you, I'll be tackling you :wubu: .


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## Jon Blaze (Feb 8, 2008)

Ella Bella said:


> Wow, how on earth could any girl pass up an offer like that?



Real smooth. lol


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## Minerva_08 (Feb 8, 2008)

I have a thought. I used to live in Washington (for 18 years of my life) and I never got a date... and couldn't understand why. I thought I was pretty enough, but obviously no one else did. And then I moved to Cali... OMG. It was mind blowing to see that men here did like fat, like curves, like the way I was shaped. Did wonders to my self esteem.

Maybe a good move would do you good. Wanna come to Cali?


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## chublover350 (Feb 8, 2008)

Minerva_08 said:


> I have a thought. I used to live in Washington (for 18 years of my life) and I never got a date... and couldn't understand why. I thought I was pretty enough, but obviously no one else did. And then I moved to Cali... OMG. It was mind blowing to see that men here did like fat, like curves, like the way I was shaped. Did wonders to my self esteem.
> 
> Maybe a good move would do you good. Wanna come to Cali?



oh yea there are tons of men in california that like fat woman, just all of them here are....well......too skinny


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## RedVelvet (Feb 8, 2008)

Minerva_08 said:


> I have a thought. I used to live in Washington (for 18 years of my life) and I never got a date... and couldn't understand why. I thought I was pretty enough, but obviously no one else did. And then I moved to Cali... OMG. It was mind blowing to see that men here did like fat, like curves, like the way I was shaped. Did wonders to my self esteem.
> 
> Maybe a good move would do you good. Wanna come to Cali?




Yes...lots and lots and LOOOOOOTS of FAs in cali.

Of course...my boyfriend is from NY. Go figure. But yes...Southern California is , shockingly enough....a good place for it.


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## Abernachy (Feb 8, 2008)

Really? Hmm, are there plenty of BBWs though to balance out the FA? There's a chance I may be stationed in California.


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## duraznos (Feb 9, 2008)

I think the location thing is true, because I'm from Cleveland and I end up feeling pretty invisible there...

But I'm in the same situation as the original poster. Like I haven't ever been in a relationship of any length or depth (not even a date), and I'm 24. I think for me it's got something to do with confidence? At least that's what I'm hoping because otherwise I have no idea what it is.

Maybe I should try that fake confidence thing someone mentioned, but I'd only be worried about pulling it off with a straight face...


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## CherryBlossom (Feb 9, 2008)

Oh sorry I haven't been back in a while! :doh: I had actually forgot I posted this!

As far as familiarity, I live in Mid Atlantic. I have had several Myspaces though and am members of a couple of message boards and my picture is on Yahoo Answers too. My face is allll out there on the internet! lol 

I just get so discouraged sometimes. I see other large beautiful women with partners so I have to think...why not me? My face weird? My hair too dark? My body too ugly? Why won't he talk to meee? lol. 

I am kinda shy. Usually when I'm interested in a guy I just smile and try to make eye contact. It works for my thin buddies, but not for me. I don't know how to flirt! I don't want to seem like the "shy fat girl" and I also don't wanna seem like "the fat girl who wants to get laid BAD". 


Since I live in a small town (under 2000) and very rarely get to a larger city, I'm just gonna blame the men. I honestly don't think there's a lot of FA people around here. In high school not one boy ever approached me, even as a friend. I guess I'm attractive but I'm not anything spectacular, nothing that should make guys feel less than confident.

I've approached guys a few times in my life and have been turned down.

I don't know, but thanks everyone for the responses, I genuinely appreciate them all.


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## pudgy (Feb 9, 2008)

I suppose I sound dorky saying the same thing as everyone else, but you indeed do you look and sound like a beautiful woman. So you've managed to stump us.

I suppose it could just be a timing thing. It didn't have my first date until I was 19 (which was only a year ago), though I was a pretty popular likable guy (pat myself on the back). So it may just be that you need some different (smarter?) people in your life.

Also, being approachable means that you might have to start approaching yourself. But I understand if you're thinking that you want to be persued. Every girl does. And honestly, deep down, guys want to pursue. Truest love comes about not when a girl just throws himself on a man, but when the man gets to prove his love, chase after the girl, and learn that she is truly worth fighting for. So, anyway, if that's what you want...good! But you may at least have to cast the bait, you know? Though that face seems to be bait enough for anyone...

Also, please don't worry about your weight. Like you yourself said, you see plenty of bigger girls with guys. One day, that bigger girl will be you. And he'll love you for all of who you are. It. Will. Be. Awesome. Until then, feel the freedom of your singleness so you can more fully appreciate the freedom of finding love.


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## mediaboy (Feb 9, 2008)

Ella Bella said:


> Wow, how on earth could any girl pass up an offer like that?




Oh they don't


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## RedVelvet (Feb 9, 2008)

Abernachy said:


> Really? Hmm, are there plenty of BBWs though to balance out the FA? There's a chance I may be stationed in California.




of course....fatties is everywhere....even France...you cannot escape our charming pull.

I'm a size 22 and have lived in Los Angeles for over 20 years.....there are more of me.


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## ekmanifest (Feb 9, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> of course....fatties is everywhere....even France...you cannot escape our charming pull.
> 
> I'm a size 22 and have lived in Los Angeles for over 20 years.....there are more of me.


You are pissing me off again here that you lived here for 20 years and we've only just met as you are shuffling off to Buffalo.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 9, 2008)

ekmanifest said:


> You are pissing me off again here that you lived here for 20 years and we've only just met as you are shuffling off to Buffalo.




I know!!!.....GD it! Awesome chick I meet right before I move to the east coast!

So many drunken late night conversations ...LOST!...

So many little adventures...not taken!

GRRRRRR!!!!

Still...I will be back to visit asap...my frail father lives here, as does my best friend...we WILL see each other again..of this I am sure.


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## ekmanifest (Feb 9, 2008)

So glad to know you will be back to visit. Didn't realize your dad lived here. Now I don't have to stay up nights worrying about Stan's hair.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 9, 2008)

ekmanifest said:


> So glad to know you will be back to visit. Didn't realize your dad lived here. Now I don't have to stay up nights worrying about Stan's hair.



Well....we all worry about Stan's hair....this is our burden.

Thank you, BTW...for turning me on to the best summer cocktail imaginable.

I am thinking of calling it "Persephone's Undoing"....given the pomme juice!..ha.

Does it have another name?


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## ekmanifest (Feb 9, 2008)

Love the cocktail name! I think in the magazine I saw it it was called the Pommegranite Lemonade Spritzer or something. Yours, of course, much creative. The ones at the party were too week. OK - I should not now be craving a drink at 8:00 . . . even if I did get up at 3:30.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 9, 2008)

Ahem, well not to interrupt Arv and EK's tragic and premature parting but I've been thinking a bit about the OP's request. Having known and enjoyed many BBW throughout my life I'd say this is a relatively common issue for women of all sizes who are unconventional in any way. What I'd like to offer is not so much advice as a plausible explanation; do with it as you will. 

Men, as a lot, are bad with uncertainty; it is experienced as something between mild discomfort  and emasculating terror. :shocked: Even the most adventurous and impulsive of us are generally loathe to enter situations where few, if any variables are known. Consequently familiar = safe, conventional = comfortable. Most of us are also chronically desperate for approval/acceptance.

This plays out to the disadvantage of BBW in several ways:


Men (boys technically, if this is true) worry how their peers will react if they are openly attracted to BBW. (I suspect this is why many geeks populate the "out" FA world. We have learned to live w/o peer approval. )

Men don't mind playing above their league but they need to know where you stand. The more "unconventional" you are the harder it is to know whether you're "in range". We don't mind being shot down so much as being shot down by someone we were sure we could take ground with. Yes, this makes us sound like spineless turds but if it helps any just blame natural selection. Less successful mating strategies (i.e., decency, honesty) apparently are at a Darwinian disadvantage? :blink:

More men than you imagine worry whether they are _*up*_ to the challenge of a BBW/SSBBW. Performance anxiety looms large in our pantheon of neuroses, even with petite gals. A dude with "equipment deficiencies/concerns" or simply unproven gonads may be hesitant to add complications. The issue is still basically unfamiliarity. Most guys have not seen fat porn. Lack of confidence compels them to err on the side of caution. Yes, it's stupid but it seldom helps to either ignore or curse reality.

There's more but I'm very tired and sick. I think much of this could just as easily be discussed over on the confidence thread. Maybe I'll throw in/continue there when I'm feeling better.

One last thing I've noticed is the axiom that "nothing succeeds like success" is never truer than here. When a woman is with a confident, attentive man she appears to become more attractive to other men. Her "market value" suddenly escalates. This is absolutely and totally true of BBW. I hope some of you ladies will validate this? Is it insane that a man would allow the judgment/taste of a complete stranger to bolster his confidence or assuage his concerns? Yuppers, but it is what it is. Am I advocating the use of FA Judas' goats, shills or male escorts? Not sure, really. One of my many mantra's is "Do what works for you.". Reports from the field are welcome.

BTW, "Persephone's Undoing"? KILLER cocktail name!! You should copyright that if it's not already taken ArVee. Seriously!


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD (Feb 9, 2008)

Maybe approach a man if you are attracted.Thats what I've done in the past few years.I used to be very shy but as I've gotten older I've thrown caution into the wind.Life is short girlfriend,enjoy it or it will pass you by.


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## CherryBlossom (Feb 9, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Ahem, well not to interrupt Arv and EK's tragic and premature parting but I've been thinking a bit about the OP's request. Having known and enjoyed many BBW throughout my life I'd say this is a relatively common issue for women of all sizes who are unconventional in any way. What I'd like to offer is not so much advice as a plausible explanation; do with it as you will.
> 
> Men, as a lot, are bad with uncertainty; it is experienced as something between mild discomfort  and emasculating terror. :shocked: Even the most adventurous and impulsive of us are generally loathe to enter situations where few, if any variables are known. Consequently familiar = safe, conventional = comfortable. Most of us are also chronically desperate for approval/acceptance.
> 
> ...




You know, everything you said made sense to me. I've heard the "boys will worry how their peers will react" thing so many times and it does seem to ring true. The very few boy friends I've had in my life have been nerds/geeks/dorks (AKA extremely good people!) and have been unpopular anyway. I once remember this cute jock type chatting me up one day and once he was done he walked backed to his friends and I remember them saying "Why were you talking to a fat cow like that?"

And to the second thing on your list, are you saying it would hurt men more being rejected by a fat girl since they're considered so unattractive by the mainstream? That makes sense as well.


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## Abernachy (Feb 9, 2008)

Whether it will hurt more, rejection, is really dependant on how used he is to rejection. If the guy is a nerdy type of person, he may not be used to rejection simply because in many cases he is riding on a lot of courage, especially if its a stranger. I myself look for signs in women who begin to notice me, and if I notice that they are starting to laugh at the jokes I crack with friends around me or even give me what I call "the stare", I tend to think something can happen and that's usually when I decide to try and work up the courage to go to talk to them. Yes they wont kill me, but that fear of rejection is still there. I don't really know of any friends , male wise, who really would feel heavy sadness from being rejected by a large women, so in many cases I don't think the personal appearance of the woman will matter.

A side note, if the guy is a nerd he'll do his damnest to make sure you are happy, atleast thats what I do in relationships considering mine are few and far.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> You know, everything you said made sense to me. I've heard the "boys will worry how their peers will react" thing so many times and it does seem to ring true. The very few boy friends I've had in my life have been nerds/geeks/dorks (AKA extremely good people!) and have been unpopular anyway. I once remember this cute jock type chatting me up one day and once he was done he walked backed to his friends and I remember them saying "Why were you talking to a fat cow like that?"
> 
> And to the second thing on your list, are you saying it would hurt men more being rejected by a fat girl since they're considered so unattractive by the mainstream? That makes sense as well.




Deeply fucking depressing tho. When I was very very young (my teens) and weighed...hmm....about 145...I was called fat a lot....a lot...I was the "fat girl" at my school at that size, if you can believe it (a size 12)...and when cute guys hit on me often their friends gave them grief..


I thought that ugliness was reality. Now I realize it was high school in upper middle class Los Angeles, in the 1980's......the second I graduated everything changed...I now weigh 115 pounds more ......and get no grief at all and more attention than I really deserve.


Honestly...if a guy is all fluttery around his peers past high school...well...jaysus.....thats more about him and his lack of supporting vertebrae than anything else.....ok...I'll give him his freshman year in college...cuz I am nice that way.

Past that?....his issue, problem, neurosis.....and no, I dont excuse it...not for a moment.


What most grim and mercenary? This idea that a guy is going for someone he thinks is in his "league"....and then when rejected acts badly because he considered her "accessible"....that was mentioned above. Christ...y'all actually think this way?

I....I wish I were a bit more homosexual sometimes.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> ****snipping the unbelievably grim an depressing reasoning****
> 
> One last thing I've noticed is the axiom that "nothing succeeds like success" is never truer than here. When a woman is with a confident, attentive man she appears to become more attractive to other men. Her "market value" suddenly escalates. This is absolutely and totally true of BBW. I hope some of you ladies will validate this? Is it insane that a man would allow the judgment/taste of a complete stranger to bolster his confidence or assuage his concerns? Yuppers, but it is what it is.
> 
> BTW, "Persephone's Undoing"? KILLER cocktail name!! You should copyright that if it's not already taken ArVee. Seriously!



Earnest....in all honesty, and without meaning to sound arrogant...I raise David's market value....and he raises mine. Its an equal raising, and I know this, because total strangers, men and women, compliment us all the time saying that we are a "cute couple" or that he is a "lucky man".....this is a nice thing....very nice thing....but its very mutual. He enjoys the fuss made over me or him or us and it pleases him, but he could hardly give a fuck if it happened or not.

I realize that you are saying true things here in many respects...but man...I read your post and all I see, underneath it all.... is this:

"Most men wish they didnt like BBWs.. their lives would be simpler, because they care enourmously what others think, because, I guess, on a fundemental level..they AGREE with them..."

And really..you gotta. In order to be effected by criticism (either real, or imaginary and "braced for"...which I think is REALLY what most of the fear is about)....you need to believe it a little.

This shite depresses me because underneath it all it seems to say that there are a goodly chunk of FA's out there that think they are, themselves, strange for liking what they like.

Sad sad sad sad.

(thanks for the compliment on the drink name....looks like its mine)


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## CherryBlossom (Feb 10, 2008)

I once had a guy who, after his third date with me didn't get past 2nd base go, "You know... you're pretty fat. You should already be giving me everything you have by now just to keep me happy so that I'd stay _with someone like you_..." Well I never talked to him ever again. This was the first guy I ever really made out with too, so it hurt.

I guess he thought that since I was fat I should be begging for someone to have sex with me. Doesn't quite work like that.

Maybe it will get better once I'm older and men mature. But I kinda don't want to be with a man that wouldn't be with me back in the day, know what I mean? One of my friends once asked me if I ever got skinny would I give all those guys in high who wouldn't give me a chance, a chance. Hell no. I would still be the same person, the one they once didn't like.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 10, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> Earnest....in all honesty, and without meaning to sound arrogant...I raise David's market value....and he raises mine. Its an equal raising, and I know this, because total strangers, men and women, compliment us all the time saying that we are a "cute couple" or that he is a "lucky man".....this is a nice thing....very nice thing....but its very mutual. He enjoys the fuss made over me or him or us and it pleases him, but he could hardly give a fuck if it happened or not.
> 
> I realize that you are saying true things here in many respects...but man...I read your post and all I see, underneath it all.... is this:
> 
> ...



Jhone, I dearly and deeply agree. You absolutely raise David's market value for MANY reasons, not least of which being his willingness to openly display his other (note I did not say "less than") than mainstream desire. 

I'm sincerely sorry this depresses you. My business consists largely of telling truths that need to be told to people who don't especially want to hear them. This market is largely Old White Guys (OWG's, in my nomenclature; not entirely derogatory as I am one myself). The truth can hurt but it also often liberates. Men are pigs but we are mostly consistent pigs. This makes us, for whatever our more undesirable traits, at least predictable and therefore manageable. 

Truth is often ungainly, unpleasant and hard to reconcile; otherwise it would be far more marketable. This would be deeply troubling to me if it didn't make my work so obscenely profitable. It is what it is. I lose no sleep for that. What troubles me is the resistance that causes so much unhappiness. It IS what it IS. (MOST) Men crave acceptance and approval AND they crave certainty. BBW are just as capable of providing those things as thinner women if they simply choose to. Elaboration as needed but it really shouldn't be. Y'all are SMART, by and large, npi.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Jhone, I dearly and deeply agree. You absolutely raise David's market value for MANY reasons, not least of which being his willingness to openly display his other (note I did not say "less than") than mainstream desire.
> 
> I'm sincerely sorry this depresses you. My business consists largely of telling truths that need to be told to people who don't especially want to hear them. This market is largely Old White Guys (OWG's, in my nomenclature; not entirely derogatory as I am one myself). The truth can hurt but it also often liberates. Men are pigs but we are mostly consistent pigs. This makes us, for whatever our more undesirable traits, at least predictable and therefore manageable.
> 
> Truth is often ungainly, unpleasant and hard to reconcile; otherwise it would be far more marketable. This would be deeply troubling to me if it didn't make my work so obscenely profitable. It is what it is. I lose no sleep for that. What troubles me is the resistance that causes so much unhappiness. It IS what it IS. (MOST) Men crave acceptance and approval AND they crave certainty. BBW are just as capable of providing those things as thinner women if they simply choose to. Elaboration as needed but it really shouldn't be. Y'all are SMART, by and large, npi.



His WILLINGNESS?

His.....WILLINGNESS?


Oh my god.

(breathe....breathe...)

One: My partner is not an FA in any strong, measureable, involved sense. He just has a fucking spine.. 

Two: My partner is a man. Obviously this is a rare thing in your world....as the one you live in is populated with pigs.

Three: Your truth is not THE truth.

Four: Are you at all aware of how you are coming across here? I mean it. I am not...sure...that you have any idea how insulting this post is from my perspective.

It's insulting to me, men, larger women...even yourself.

I think maybe I just live in a different world. David doesn't even see me as particularly "big"....he SEES me as Jhone, and as far as my looks, brain, heart and talents are concerned, he sees me as EXCEPTIONAL (as I do him), and in that way ALONE am I out of the mainstream, cuz he isn't so fucking CAUGHT UP IN THIS CRAP (omg omg omg I likes da fat chicks ohnose WHAT WILL MY BUDDIES THINK OH NOOOO!!!!!!!) as so many on this board seem to be. 

Like he gives a fuck. Its not about "willingness".....its about an INABILITY TO SEE the fucking problem, the issue...with dating anyone he finds attractive.

Holy shite... the EXCUSES made for horrendous thinking and behavior is just shocking to me.....and held up as "truth"...when really its just cowardice and self loathing and insecurity.


Jesus christ on a fucking crutch...what shite.


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## SocialbFly (Feb 10, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Jhone, I dearly and deeply agree. You absolutely raise David's market value for MANY reasons, not least of which being his willingness to openly display his other (note I did not say "less than") than mainstream desire.
> 
> I'm sincerely sorry this depresses you. My business consists largely of telling truths that need to be told to people who don't especially want to hear them. This market is largely Old White Guys (OWG's, in my nomenclature; not entirely derogatory as I am one myself). The truth can hurt but it also often liberates. Men are pigs but we are mostly consistent pigs. This makes us, for whatever our more undesirable traits, at least predictable and therefore manageable.
> 
> Truth is often ungainly, unpleasant and hard to reconcile; otherwise it would be far more marketable. This would be deeply troubling to me if it didn't make my work so obscenely profitable. It is what it is. I lose no sleep for that. What troubles me is the resistance that causes so much unhappiness. It IS what it IS. (MOST) Men crave acceptance and approval AND they crave certainty. BBW are just as capable of providing those things as thinner women if they simply choose to. Elaboration as needed but it really shouldn't be. Y'all are SMART, by and large, npi.



First of all, i am sorry you feel poorly Earnest...feel better...

but i have to agree that i found your post frustrating at best...it reminds me of that bloody book...he just isnt into you...what a bunch of crap...he is insecure, so it is ok if he is an ass, what a bunch of crap...i am so tired of the bunch of girly men i know....(i know this will not come across right, but i am going to try...)

i get tired of hearing how men cant be with who or what they desire because someone might think something....

what about us...i have dated men 5 ft 6, men much older than me, men much younger than me, but the trick is, i date what i want, who i want...why is there ALWAYS an excuse for a man?? oh he is insecure, oh he is a nerd, or whatever...get something called a backbone...

i get tired of the men that say, i didnt date when i was younger, i was a nerd, so now i have to fuck all of california to make up for it....good god...yeah, that is what i want...that is who i want...

why is it so hard to date who you want? i have been known to ask out a man before, yeah, it tested my testosterone too, but appartently i have some, unlike some men i have known...

sorry if this seems like a tirade, but it is a hot button for me....

to the original poster...there is nothing wrong with you, it is that thinking that wll keep you alone....realize that we are all having the same issues...find ways to make yourself happy, then add someone to the mix...i have been single all my life, and except for the fact that i miss regular sex, lol, i have a full and wonderful life...and i am happy with it...find out what makes you happy, i promise the rest will follow...and STOP thinking what is wrong with yourself....you just havent fouund the one to make your motor whir, and at 20...well, you have plenty of time....


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 10, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> His WILLINGNESS?
> 
> His.....WILLINGNESS?
> 
> ...





SocialbFly said:


> First of all, i am sorry you feel poorly Earnest...feel better...
> 
> but i have to agree that i found your post frustrating at best...it reminds me of that bloody book...he just isnt into you...what a bunch of crap...he is insecure, so it is ok if he is an ass, what a bunch of crap...i am so tired of the bunch of girly men i know....(i know this will not come across right, but i am going to try...)
> 
> ...



Well EXCUUUUSE ME!!!  Ya try to be helpful around here and welcome to Snark City :doh: Honestly ArVee I apologize for the offense you appear to have taken at my choice of words. It was not my intention to imply it took some extraordinary courage to be with you (patience, I'm guessing, but...).

And Dianna I'm not making excuses or apologies for men. I'm just doing what my mind is trained to do, mapping out a puzzle. I operate from the engineering axiom that any problem well stated is half solved. I didn't put this out there as the TRUTH for goodness sake. It's just a postulate, something to work from. When there's no model to start with it can be just as helpful to start from something completely wrong as mostly right.

I'd welcome an attack on my reasoning. My logic is far from flawless and I have a very incomplete data set. That suggests I'm probably wrong in some significant degree. Nonetheless the OP posed an intriguing question that I hope we can agree is hardly unique to her. It is a reflection of a widespread societal phenomenon that occurs to me as dysfunctional. It's difficult to address a problem we don't clearly understand. 

Most of the suggestions/replies here are what I refer to as "workarounds". They deal with the problem without attempting to address or even understand its' underlying causes. I'm not wired that way. It doesn't make me better than other people but it does make me damn good at what I do. So I'm gonna work on this puzzle with or without anyone's help; I'd sincerely prefer with.

There are a lot of smart people here with a vested interest in resolving this dysfunction. If you don't wanna play I'd request the snarkage be kept to a dull roar. Jhone and Dianna that is not directed at you. I do respect your feelings. I just can't see how they fit within the larger model yet <NPI>.:bow:


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## SocialbFly (Feb 10, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Well EXCUUUUSE ME!!!  Ya try to be helpful around here and welcome to Snark City :doh: Honestly ArVee I apologize for the offense you appear to have taken at my choice of words. It was not my intention to imply it took some extraordinary courage to be with you (patience, I'm guessing, but...).
> 
> And Dianna I'm not making excuses or apologies for men. I'm just doing what my mind is trained to do, mapping out a puzzle. I operate from the engineering axiom that any problem well stated is half solved. I didn't put this out there as the TRUTH for goodness sake. It's just a postulate, something to work from. When there's no model to start with it can be just as helpful to start from something completely wrong as mostly right.
> 
> ...




it is ok to be snarky at me, but it doesnt change it at all...(i know you said you werent being snarky, but bullshit, lol, but i am ok with it...) lets be honest here, relationships are hard, but making excuse after excuse for people behaving poorly gets nothing done...and work arounds are illegal at work...we cant do them, they are there for a reason...maybe that is the issue in real life, sometimes work arounds just shouldnt be done...face it, deal with it...move on....some things cant and shouldnt be intellectualized, they should be felt and dealt with....


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## Lamia (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> Well, hi I'm new! I've registered a while back but this is my first post. My friend and I have been discussing this for a while and we want some opinions. I apologize in advance if any of this comes off offensively...I'm new to this community and if I say anything rude, I promise it's from just being ignorant about these issues.
> 
> My friend and I can't get any attention from men at all. No matter what we do. And me and her are constantly looking around and seeing fat women with boyfriends...so we think something else might be wrong with us. We just can't figure out what we're...doing wrong, know what I mean?
> 
> ...



When I was your age no one ever asked me out either. I just think when you're younger the guys your age are too insecure to date a big woman. Not all of them, but the majority. Don't worry about something being wrong with you. It's important to be yourself and finding someone who loves you for who you really are. It will happen. It's easier said than done, but truly delve into self-love and appreciating yourself. Good luck


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## mossystate (Feb 10, 2008)

Fuck...say nothing,and you are consenting...say anything, and you are a shrew..nice way to manipulate other people...Fuck.


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## QtPatooti (Feb 10, 2008)

bexylicious said:


> *to the OP you are beautiful, lovely pic. but lets not forget this is not a problem limited to larger women. i've never had a problem with it, but then again ive never had a problem making the first move either lol!
> i know a lot of girls who are size 8/10 who have. they dont get approached and dont do any approaching.
> Personality, approachability and confidence also go a long way.
> start having faith in yourself, and stop looking, lol! they usually turn up when u do that! good luck and keep us posted *



Bexy I think you are RIGHT ON - I know from experience what shyness can do to your social life. At times I have thought what is wrong with me? I am pretty, dress nice etc. But now I know, its my shyness and unwillingness to make a first move to atleast say HiHiHi!

Cherry: observe social functions for awhile and I think you will notice that the more outgoing girls get the action.

Robbi


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## Nikki80 (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom, where in the Mid-Atlantic do you live? I live in Northern VA, and I don't see large ladies being paired off. In fact, when I see couples, I don't see any large ladies at all. I observe a lot of things where I work, and one thing I never see is a big woman with any man at all. 

You can also guess that I'm pretty much invisible to men too. I used to always be so down on myself when I was your age, but now since I'll be 28 this year, I find that I don't hate myself much anymore for the way my body is. I find that I appreciate my curves much more than I used to, although I still have my not-so-good days. 

And it's interesting that I'm invisible to men because I'm around people all the time, I'm constantly smiling, therefore making other people smile too. But...I don't get any attention. Maybe location plays a role in this? Maybe I'm not around the right kind of men? Maybe my I need to work on the personality a little bit more?


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> It was not my intention to imply it took some extraordinary courage to be with you (patience, I'm guessing, but...)



Patience. Hmm.. Wow..nice set up....if I don't respond, I concur, if I do, I am a pain in the arse that requires your tolerant patience. sigh.. 

Boyfriend read the thread...I wanted a mans perspective.... 

"Well. Wow...he must be very young, or really bitter, or maybe going through a divorce or something. Why does he think you are out of the mainstream? Is it because you are English? Is the picture of you in the leather up? Did you grow antennae? Kinky! Lemmie see!" 

Ha. 

Which kinda diffused the whole thing given I can now only picture myself sitting here typing in head to toe leather and headband antennae with glitter and maribou bobbing back and forth on my head. 


Your heart is dark, Nagel....at least what you show here. Really, really dark. And there seems to be SO much hidden conflict regarding what you like and what you think you should like. Given everything you have said above....you are really giving off that "I like fat chicks because I can git em easy, but I would do better if I could" vibe that we all find so attractive here. 

You keep trying to approach it from an engineers standpoint. Could be this thing is beyond graph paper.....Or it could be as simple as "There are cowardly pussies in the world....and there are people who are not."

Here's to hoping that underneath all that black cynicism there is still something open and healthy. I still think that you blaming bad behavior on a Darwinian survival-like evolution is one of the most ridiculous things I have read here yet. 

I am hoping you were not actually serious.


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## mossystate (Feb 10, 2008)

mossystate said:


> Fuck...say nothing,and you are consenting...say anything, and you are a shrew..nice way to manipulate other people...Fuck.





RedVelvet said:


> Patience. Hmm.. Wow..nice set up....if I don't respond, I concur, if I do, I am a pain in the arse that requires your tolerant patience. sigh..
> .




if you tell me you had not read what I posted before you typed that, then, yes, we should probably check our family trees


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## prettysteve (Feb 10, 2008)

Ms.Cherry:You are a real hottie w/ a cute face!:wubu:I find it hard to believe that you are having a hard time attractive the guys.You better be glad that I do not attend your school because I would definitely be stalking you around the campus and even roll the red carpet out for you before entering the classroom door.I am not sure what is wrong with the guys at your college.:doh:


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> I once had a guy who, after his third date with me didn't get past 2nd base go, "You know... you're pretty fat. You should already be giving me everything you have by now just to keep me happy so that I'd stay _with someone like you_..." Well I never talked to him ever again. This was the first guy I ever really made out with too, so it hurt.
> 
> I guess he thought that since I was fat I should be begging for someone to have sex with me. Doesn't quite work like that.
> 
> Maybe it will get better once I'm older and men mature. But I kinda don't want to be with a man that wouldn't be with me back in the day, know what I mean? One of my friends once asked me if I ever got skinny would I give all those guys in high who wouldn't give me a chance, a chance. Hell no. I would still be the same person, the one they once didn't like.



Sorry to hear you were treated this way. Reminds me of the time a man that was dating a friend of mine had to ask me a question that he had no real business asking. He wanted to know if he wasn't with my friend, would I "be with him". Lol.....I truly didn't like the man or how he treated my friend. Knowing that the truth would make him mad, yet also knowing that I sure as hell didn't want to encourage anymore of his "flirtations" or wtf ever was going on in his head, I decided on the truth. And, as I knew it would, it pissed him off. So much so he had to say "well, you're kinda flabby anway". Totally unnecessary- and just because I "rejected" him. I didn't deserve the remark- especially when my "flabbiness" didn't seem to bother him 30 seconds before hand.......
Seems like the same thing with your guy.......that the remark was more about a man's hurt libido rather than something wrong with you.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 10, 2008)

QtPatooti said:


> Bexy I think you are RIGHT ON - I know from experience what shyness can do to your social life. At times I have thought what is wrong with me? I am pretty, dress nice etc. But now I know, its my shyness and unwillingness to make a first move to atleast say HiHiHi!
> 
> Cherry: observe social functions for awhile and I think you will notice that the more outgoing girls get the action.
> 
> Robbi




I have to concur....I have never been a "wall flower" at any age. Why? Not because I am so "extraordinairely wonderfully" or any such crap...I'm simply outgoing/friendly and that makes it easy to find friends/men that are interested in me. When I want a date? I find a way to get myself "out and about' - you won't find a man/date/friends sitting at home by yourself or hiding in the shadows.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

mossystate said:


> if you tell me you had not read what I posted before you typed that, then, yes, we should probably check our family trees




Whoa.


Long lost cousin?


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

So I have re-read your posts yet again, Ernest.

Far as I can tell...we are having two different conversations here.

You are trying to look at the phenom from a purely rational level, using the darkest perspectives you have...the "ugly truth" as you see it....that men are pigs, and cowardly, and base their decisions on what their friends and random strangers think, and choose whom they go after more on their chances of succeeding than one might suppose...They can aim up, but to be rejected if they aim "low" (in their minds) is somehow insulting. Also, that men are so easily put off by the slightest challenge that some imaginary "issue" regarding fucking a larger woman is sometimes all it takes to scare a man away.

I think I got it all......

You are also giving off a vibe that says you agree with these ideas based on your personal experience, and that "thats the way it is", and you are a giver of hard truths, or something.

I respond that your ideas are depressing, counter that my own experiences are wildly different, and that there are men (not pigs) men in the world who arent even thinking in terms of "up" or "down" or "league" or even size..and certainly by mid life not about PEER feelings...and you say that yes, it is sad, but its the truth, and isnt your guy a good guy for not being afraid to be seen with you....

(yes, you didnt mean to suggest that...its just the smell thats wafting off a lot of your response..)....I come back fists flying, because its DEEPLY insulting....it just is, to suggest that to be with any woman here takes courage.....or strength..it really does.

Maybe its your truth. Maybe your truth is just deeply insulting to women, but sharing it does nothing helpful, does it? I mean...you are basically saying..."Men are predictable pigs in the following ways but we aint changing cuz it works for our cowardly selves....so cope with it ladies...good luck!"....

Can you understand how depressing and insulting and hopeless that sounds?

How sad to go through life caring on that kind of level about other peoples opinions on whom you love. ...and when called on it...with the indignation a terribly insulting premise deserves....women are then thought of as snarky, and patience trying..

I mean fuck....can't win for losing...might as well shut up and post naked pictures from afar.....why bother with anything else.


I thank the universe that I am having such a wildly different experience...I thank the universe that my friends and family and lovers and even strangers on the street seem to have a less judgemental, fearful, and open approach to love. 

I think Dims might be bad for me.

Could be ignorance is bliss.


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## CherryBlossom (Feb 10, 2008)

I actually live in West Virginia, which may explain the lack of people who are interested in fat women. There's just not a lot of people around here in general!

But thank you everyone, my friend and I feel a lot better reading the posts everyone wrote. I do especially. I spend days trying to figure out whats wrong with me, why people won't talk to me. I guess knowing that it's the other people's hang up and perhaps my lack of social skills makes me feel better. At least that I can change.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I have to concur....I have never been a "wall flower" at any age. Why? Not because I am so "extraordinairely wonderfully" or any such crap...I'm simply outgoing/friendly and that makes it easy to find friends/men that are interested in me. When I want a date? I find a way to get myself "out and about' - you won't find a man/date/friends sitting at home by yourself or hiding in the shadows.



Liar.

You _are_ extraordinarily wonderful.


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## BothGunsBlazing (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> I actually live in West Virginia, which may explain the lack of people who are interested in fat women. There's just not a lot of people around here in general!
> 
> But thank you everyone, my friend and I feel a lot better reading the posts everyone wrote. I do especially. I spend days trying to figure out whats wrong with me, why people won't talk to me. I guess knowing that it's the other people's hang up and perhaps my lack of social skills makes me feel better. At least that I can change.



yes and in the very least you know that the men of this board would indulge your deepest desire to be stalked. Possibly some phone calls with nothing but heavy breathing on the other end. 

Dim FAs unite! :bow:


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## Nikki80 (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> I actually live in West Virginia, which may explain the lack of people who are interested in fat women. There's just not a lot of people around here in general!


 
That's my problem, with the town I live and work in. There's not that many people around here, and where I live, it's pretty boring. I sometimes wonder if I lived in a big city, if my chances of finding someone would go up. I'd like to think it would, and I'd like to think that seeing large women being paired off more would go up too. That would give me much more hope than what I'm working with now, to be honest.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 10, 2008)

SocialbFly said:


> it is ok to be snarky at me, but it doesnt change it at all...(i know you said you werent being snarky, but bullshit, lol, but i am ok with it...) lets be honest here, relationships are hard, but making excuse after excuse for people behaving poorly gets nothing done...and work arounds are illegal at work...we cant do them, they are there for a reason...maybe that is the issue in real life, sometimes work arounds just shouldnt be done...face it, deal with it...move on....some things cant and shouldnt be intellectualized, they should be felt and dealt with....



Again, NOT making excuses for anyone. I think men's common inability to act in accordance with their true feelings is deplorable. It concerns me that it may be a symptom of larger societal ills. The inability to think independently and/or critically along with the willingness to deny desires in favor of peer acceptance are not good signs for us. Maybe root cause analysis can't resolve this but it's the tool I'm best with. I don't think it's fair to say my approach is invalid unless you've already seen it fail. There's a reason so many men are this way and I don't feel telling them to "man up" is going to measurably impact the issue. In the words of the venereal Dr. Phil "How's that working for you so far?" You're smart, Dianna. Stop and consider there may be a diagnosis that's been missed. I'm talking about this issue because I think it should be addressed, not to piss you or anyone else off. 



RedVelvet said:


> Patience. Hmm.. Wow..nice set up....if I don't respond, I concur, if I do, I am a pain in the arse that requires your tolerant patience. sigh..
> 
> Boyfriend read the thread...I wanted a mans perspective....
> 
> ...



Jhone, you don't like me; I get it and accept it. Join the club. I don't care for the way you insist on maligning my character and micro-analyzing my every word in a few isolated posts but that's your right. Interesting your BF has that skill, too? You don't know me so it doesn't really bother me much what you think of me. Check my posts here on balance and I think you'd honestly have to say I don't come off nearly as sinister as you seem to believe. I'm trying to understand more about the issue of closeted FA's in particular and male insecurity in general because I believe it's a serious problem. If it doesn't interest you just stop reading my posts.

I painted the situation rather bleakly because I also find it depressing. For the record I'm totally at ease with my own FA nature. I've never denied or regretted it for one minute. It just seems to me a lot of lives are adversely affected by this phenomenon. Wanting to understand and maybe even change it makes me seem bitter somehow? I could walk away from this and be perfectly content. Leaving things the way they are just leaves more BBW for me and so there's no doubt on this point I fricking *adore* BBW. Abso-effing-lutely no conflict there. I don't think _anybody_ can do better than BBW and I understand that's just my opinion.

In retrospect I could've shown more consideration for the OP and I apologize for that. I also apologize for the patience remark. It was tacky. That said I believe Dims is more than a club. If we are to be a true community though I think we need to be more proactive in understanding BBW/FA's place in society at large. :bow: If this really isn't an appropriate conversation for this forum I'll accept Conrad's word on that and take it elsewhere. 

BTW, re the Darwinian remark, I thought the emoticon made my sarcasm evident.  I'll try to be less subtle.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Ok....you seem to be saying that whilst you are completely at ease with your own nature, you can see the darker side to the issues at hand and that is what you are addressing.

Am I reading you correctly?

If so, then I am wrong....I am not trying to pick you apart. I guess I am just....exhausted by this place at times.

There is so MUCH contradiction here. A good friend of mine here JUST pointed out that anyone without a strong sense of self could come here and just leave shaken...from the fiction posted, the paysite board, to comments on Size Acceptance to feederism....this board often goes beyond diverse and ends up self negating.

I mean that....self negating. 

If you are a woman on this board....the conflicting messages are enough to drive you insane..."BBW are GODDESSES!...BBW are SCARY!...I love your body as it is!.....GAIN FOR ME!.....Who you are inside matters!... MORE PICS PLEASE! ...God I want a girlfriend......BUT WHAT WILL MY FRIENDS THINK?"......I suppose thats par for the course in a group as large as this...but more and more it feels like this is all about pleasing men. Men's needs, men's wants....men's fears, men's desires. And the women are here to respond and fulfill and interact. 

And if you dont....if you don't play nicey nice....you are a board bitch, a clucking hen, a clique member...sigh.

So here comes you... saying basically that inspite of lip service to the contrary......"men are pigs and heres what they REALLY think aboutchoo...........hows THAT feel, ladies?"

If men are pigs...why do I have to take ANYthing you say as truth? Why are men, then, and anything they say..valuable? by calling them that. ....you even negate yourself.

I know.......KNOW...I am plenty defensive here. When I first came to Dims I played nicey nice with the best of them....and you know, there is nothing wrong with that.

I certainly don't consider someone who shies away from conflict cowardly....conflict is hard.

I guess......well...to be perfectly blunt....I guess I am just really rather disappointed in the predominant viewpoint here...which is, more often than not, objectifying, furtive, fearful, crass, or even disturbed. 

Now....I find it shocking that I am typing this. I find certain types of objectification sexy, and I am also a very visual person...I get that...I get that....really....and I used to think I was soooooooo open minded.

I find it interesting that about half of the people I consider my good friends on this board are feeling a desire to pull away...that the good that is here is so outweighed by the ugly that its becoming harder to stay. I know that over the coming weeks I will probably start pulling away myself...keeping my stuff in the clubhouse going...but really staying away from the larger boards. Too much of what I see is depressing. I don't know why I take it all to heart....I don't really understand why it upsets me so....but...it just makes me feel bad. And my sense of self is so hard won that I don't want it chipped away by the guy who thinks fat goes with slovenly and flatulent, lets say, and that thats a turn on for him.

Why do I fucking care what that guy likes? I mean..why does it bother me? I have no idea...wish it didnt....but it does. Makes me feel as depressed as the outright nastiness that is the regular fat hating public. So...I find myself with no where to go....no where that feels safe and whole and healthy and good for me.

On the one hand...its a relief. Glad to know I still have a viewpoint...on the other hand..I really like my girly self and I dont want to lose it in a sea of bitter, revolted misanthropy.

Maybe I need to know less of the inner workings of some folks in order to be happier.


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## Tooz (Feb 10, 2008)

ekmanifest said:


> You are pissing me off again here that you lived here for 20 years and we've only just met as you are shuffling off to Buffalo.



Oh snap, PARTY AT MY PLACE.


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## mossystate (Feb 10, 2008)

I have just come back from doing two things...

first thing?...a 10 minute phone conversation with my 8 year old niece..about...farts...

second thing?...a shower...warm, with all kinds of good smells...

they were both refreshing..simple..made me laugh/smile.......adjusted my ' give a damn ' meter and reminded me to not let others try and steal from me......I am coming off of some family business that came to somewhat of a head.....manipulation and ugliness that was toe-curling...and heartbreaking.......

....I will still care about things too much...but, just know that I _see_ 'you '..and I know ' you ' very, very well....that sound was the sound of me psychically exposing a small piece of what you think you hide well....

poof


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## Fascinita (Feb 10, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> There is so MUCH contradiction here. A good friend of mine here JUST pointed out that anyone without a strong sense of self could come here and just leave shaken...from the fiction posted, the paysite board, to comments on Size Acceptance to feederism....this board often goes beyond diverse and ends up self negating.
> 
> I mean that....self negating.
> 
> ...



I appreciated reading all of this as an assessment of what it feels like to be a woman around these parts. In so many ways I feel like a complete newbie still. But several months after finding my way to Dimensions, of being an active participant, I can say that I feel disappointed in the some of the patterns I've seen. I've had a chance to get to know some really groovy fat people, yes. I've also found myself frequently having to read the most disturbing comments, stuff that, if you're not a strong person to begin with, can really shake you up, as you say. I've also been somewhat sadenned to realize that I am no substantially more accepted in this community of/for fat people than in the "real world." I'm outspoken and I won't back down. Where I see misogyny and other abuses, I usually pipe up. Unfortunately, that seems to happen with increasing frequency around here these days for me. And outspokenness does not make a woman popular. Yes, I've been able to meet some exceptional people here--for that alone I remain, for now. On the other hand, who wants to be the shrew or the feminazi forever? That's not enough for me. Life's too short--it should be sweet, not bitter.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

mossystate said:


> I have just come back from doing two things...
> 
> first thing?...a 10 minute phone conversation with my 8 year old niece..about...farts...
> 
> ...




You make me smile....a lot.

a lot.

And you know I LOVE that avatar....I call it "Joker Mossy: Sexay Style"...in my head.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> I appreciated reading all of this as an assessment of what it feels like to be a woman around these parts. In so many ways I feel like a complete newbie still. But several months after finding my way to Dimensions, of being an active participant, I can say that I feel disappointed in the some of the patterns I've seen. I've had a chance to get to know some really groovy fat people, yes. I've also found myself frequently having to read the most disturbing comments, stuff that, if you're not a strong person to begin with, can really shake you up, as you say. I've also been somewhat sadenned to realize that I am no substantially more accepted in this community of/for fat people than in the "real world." I'm outspoken and I won't back down. Where I see misogyny and other abuses, I usually pipe up. Unfortunately, that seems to happen with increasing frequency around here these days for me. And outspokenness does not make a woman popular. Yes, I've been able to meet some exceptional people here--for that alone I remain, for now. On the other hand, who wants to be the shrew or the feminazi forever? That's not enough for me. Life's too short--it should be sweet, not bitter.





Thank you for this. I am coming to realize that I am having the same conversation with myself and on these boards.....I keep coming around back to these issues....I am repeating myself.

Not a good sign.

Need to pay attention to that.

I mean...anyone who knows me in the real world would tell you I am both not an ogre, nor am I particularly defensive. I can discuss crap till the cows come home but I can do it fairly dispassionately. Also..shockingly enough...I'm basically pretty nice.

The fact that I get so angry once I leave the confines of the club house....hmm..not a good sign.


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## exile in thighville (Feb 10, 2008)

1. you look fine and have bad luck

2. you're in the wrong places waiting to be asked out and have bad luck

3. what lilly said, you probably grossly underestimate your looks and guys are intimidated

4. *this goes for all ladies* don't wait for the guy to move. if you spy someone worth sharing air with, walk up to him. bring some balls just in case he's a fatophobic cunt, but i'd say it's worth a few chances before you give up.


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## Observer373 (Feb 10, 2008)

Where is this terrible place where they don't pay attention to lovely, fun women??
from Easy Street, Dallas, TX


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

exile in thighville said:


> 1. you look fine and have bad luck
> 
> 2. you're in the wrong places waiting to be asked out and have bad luck
> 
> ...



See now...here's an answer I really fucking LOVE. Very Occam's razor...and sensical.

LOVE it.


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## SocialbFly (Feb 10, 2008)

you know, i DO approach men, i always say, hey, do you work at such and such...or i say, were you at Jhones party last week...whatever....gets the conversation going, and if there is interest, opens the door....

try it....it is non threatening, and works WELL!!!!


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

SocialbFly said:


> you know, i DO approach men, i always say, hey, do you work at such and such...or i say, were you at Jhones party last week...whatever....gets the conversation going, and if there is interest, opens the door....
> 
> try it....it is non threatening, and works WELL!!!!



Man..My actual name is on this board more in one day that it has been in a year...its trippin me.


You are right of course...its pretty easy to tell when someone is interested in you or not with just a few lines of conversation. It requires little in the way of subtle perception..and you leave it open to them whilst seeming very approachable.

If they dont respond....assume its them. I mean....there's no point to anything else, is there? Even if it IS you, you will never know what or why from them....and who cares anyway....just assume you are fabulous and move on from there....assuming anything else just hurts you....its not as if you are going to "learn" or "improve" as a result of a negative experience.

I mean...if someone says you have lousy breath..ok..thats objective, but beyond that...its really not about you, you know?


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## Abbens (Feb 10, 2008)

CherryBlossom said:


> I actually live in West Virginia, which may explain the lack of people who are interested in fat women. There's just not a lot of people around here in general!
> 
> But thank you everyone, my friend and I feel a lot better reading the posts everyone wrote. I do especially. I spend days trying to figure out whats wrong with me, why people won't talk to me. I guess knowing that it's the other people's hang up and perhaps my lack of social skills makes me feel better. At least that I can change.



there is prolly nothing wrong with you being that your a beautiful girl.


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## mossystate (Feb 10, 2008)

* claps hands *

I once again summons zee weary circus ponies...the show...it is over!


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## RedVelvet (Feb 10, 2008)

mossystate said:


> * claps hands *
> 
> I once again summons zee weary circus ponies...the show...it is over!



What...no dogs?

green lips sink dinghies..Mermaid Mossy....I like that.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 11, 2008)

mossystate said:


> * claps hands *
> 
> I once again summons zee weary circus ponies...the show...it is over!



Deferring to your wisdom MS, this thread now returns to its OP's original inquiry. CherryBlossom, may you find the comfort and guidance you seek here.  

I would like to reserve the option of pursuing some specific elements of the preceding conversations in the Club House, if there are no egregious objections? Thanks! :bow:


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## exile in thighville (Feb 11, 2008)

RedVelvet said:


> See now...here's an answer I really fucking LOVE. Very Occam's razor...and sensical.
> 
> LOVE it.



Thanks, RV


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## mossystate (Feb 11, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Deferring to your wisdom MS, this thread now returns to its OP's original inquiry. CherryBlossom, may you find the comfort and guidance you seek here.
> 
> I would like to reserve the option of pursuing some specific elements of the preceding conversations in the Club House, if there are no egregious objections? Thanks! :bow:



Knock yourself out.


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## prickly (Feb 11, 2008)

........if we are talking confident, sassy, intelligent women and its effect on men..........i'd be up for a threesome with mossy and velvet.

hehe


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## Santaclear (Feb 11, 2008)

Mossy, one of the circus ponies must be getting sick or something, he's throwing up all over the place and got the runs pretty bad. Can we wrap this thing up?


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## RedVelvet (Feb 11, 2008)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Deferring to your wisdom MS, this thread now returns to its OP's original inquiry. CherryBlossom, may you find the comfort and guidance you seek here.
> 
> I would like to reserve the option of pursuing some specific elements of the preceding conversations in the Club House, if there are no egregious objections? Thanks! :bow:




Don't object, will most likely not participate.


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## RedVelvet (Feb 11, 2008)

prickly said:


> ........if we are talking confident, sassy, intelligent women and its effect on men..........i'd be up for a threesome with mossy and velvet.
> 
> hehe




Aww...what a sweet, vulgar little beastie you are.


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## prickly (Feb 11, 2008)

appreciate the compliment!


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## RedVelvet (Feb 11, 2008)

prickly said:


> appreciate the compliment!




But of course....vulgar has its place in the world. All a matter of skill, no?


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## prickly (Feb 11, 2008)

........to paraphrase that old favourite, it's not how vulgar you are, it's how you use it


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## Velvet (Feb 11, 2008)

Hey Cherry,
I live in Paris, City of Romance, or so they say.
You are definately a beauty and I suppose for some that can be intimidating.
Rather then be bummed about being dateless, set up some fun activitys which will attract folks to you. Why not roll out a massive canvas and invite people to roll paint on themselves then slide across the canvas creating living art? Or say you are making a short film and survey people as they stroll across campus about what they love most about chubby chicks?
Create a dance marathon with donations to a charity.
I think people tend to be drawn to others who are fun, and thus you are likely to interact with others which can lead to dates , and if it doesnt you wont really care cause you guys will be making your own fun and be too busy to worry about your dateless state.
But then Im single in Paris so what do I know,lololol
Best to you both!
Velvet:kiss2:
http://www.myspace.com/velvetdamour







CherryBlossom said:


> Well, hi I'm new! I've registered a while back but this is my first post. My friend and I have been discussing this for a while and we want some opinions. I apologize in advance if any of this comes off offensively...I'm new to this community and if I say anything rude, I promise it's from just being ignorant about these issues.
> 
> My friend and I can't get any attention from men at all. No matter what we do. And me and her are constantly looking around and seeing fat women with boyfriends...so we think something else might be wrong with us. We just can't figure out what we're...doing wrong, know what I mean?
> 
> ...


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## Observer373 (Feb 11, 2008)

There's a new BBW group in my town and I've been trying to get with them for weeks. Also there's a BBW party in OKC next month and I plan to go. Wish I could go to the Vegas party in July. Don't think the money will work out, tho.


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