# Boyfriend is loosing weight, I feel less attracted to him :(



## Potatodragon (Aug 7, 2016)

So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding. 
The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^' 
But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller  
I'm feeling so conflicted


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## loopytheone (Aug 8, 2016)

I think you already know what the answer is to that. If you are honest and open with your partner about your preferences and any issues that arise from it then perhaps you could work together to improve your sex life. I can tell from the way you write about him that you clearly love, respect and care for him and I think if you explain it to him the way you have here, he will be understanding.


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## collared Princess (Aug 8, 2016)

Potatodragon said:


> So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
> The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
> But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller
> I'm feeling so conflicted




Does he know you like fat men ?


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## squeezablysoft (Aug 18, 2016)

*I've had this happen, lost interest in a guy when he started to get "in shape". Only crushes, not actual relationships, not sure how I'd handle it if it was. Though I would prefer to date a FA BHM anyway.*


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## HereticFA (Aug 21, 2016)

Potatodragon said:


> So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
> The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
> But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller
> I'm feeling so conflicted


You've got hard decisions to make. First off, you really should have been upfront with him about your FFA preferences. It might not have changed the outcome, but it would have been a foundation based on honesty.

That said, all may not be lost. Most fat folks will try renting a thinner body at least once or twice in their lives. Between six months and three years later it goes away and the old one comes back, sometimes even larger. It all boils down to how much you like him and how patient you are. 

But no fair trying to influence his rental period of his thinner body by telling him your preferences. That should wait until his pursuit has ended by his own decision process.

And if you do decide you're not that patient and move on, please be more honest with your next S.O. about your preferences. It really is liberating. Just realize that the new S.O. may someday encounter health issues that are best helped by renting a thinner body for as long as they can. It's sometimes something we (F)FA's just have to learn to accept.


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## Tad (Aug 23, 2016)

HereticFA said:


> That said, all may not be lost. Most fat folks will try renting a thinner body at least once or twice in their lives. Between six months and three years later it goes away and the old one comes back, sometimes even larger. It all boils down to how much you like him and how patient you are.
> 
> But no fair trying to influence his rental period of his thinner body by telling him your preferences. That should wait until his pursuit has ended by his own decision process.



I agree with all that Heretic says, but want to emphasize the part above. There can be all sorts of reasons to lose weight, including but not limited to:
- wanting to know that you CAN
- feeling in control of yourself (especially if life is fairly chaotic this can be powerful)
- wanting to know what it is like
- current group of friends or co-workers
- appearance insecurity, especially if in an image conscious job or expecting to have to go through interviews
- health scares (from general bombardment, something a doctor said, something family went through, etc)
- stress (exercise can help with dealing with stress, stress can limit appetite)
- an actual intention to lose weight and keep it off forever.

Just due to biology, sustaining weight loss is tough. The vast majority of people gain back lost weight (and often more). Psychology plays a role in it too, because often it is the loss part that people needed at the time, and the sustaining doesn't have the same degree of reward. Or else they lose the focus on that and move on to other things.

My suggestions would be:
- be patient
- feel free to fantasize to help tide you over.
- emphasize healthy habits, that are not necessarily weight-loss habits. More vegetables, more cooking from scratch, more whole grains, walking more, not sitting for too long at a time without getting the blood flowing, etc. Help him to think of how he is broadly getting healthier, with the gym and weight loss only being part of the broader changes.
- plan at least one major occasion where he can really appreciate his lower weight (a trip to a resort, a ski trip, big family gathering ....). So that he can feel the reward for his hard work -- yes that could encourage him, but it could also bring a sort of closure to his loss (he did the work, he got to appreciate it in some way). Be supportive leading up/during this event
- after the occasion tell him how proud you are of his hard work, but that you also miss his cuddly tummy -- that of course you think he is very handsome as he is, but that you have always been crazy attracted to him.
- be patient some more, and see how things go.

Until you have done something like that, you just don't know how things will be in the long run.

It is tough, but if he is that good of a match for you outside of the weight arena, it may well be worth it.

Good luck, I know it isn't easy (I've been there).


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## Potatodragon (Sep 28, 2016)

Thank you so much for being understanding guys, I really appreciate the support  I think it has a bit to do with pressure from his family, they're always pointing out how he'd look handsomer if he lost weight. You can tell that hurts him  We have also been going through a stressful period looking for a home together and he has a new job surrounded by judgemental teenagers :/ so it's likely a combination of all those things? 

A while back I found the confidence to tell him I found his stomach attractive  and I often tell him I miss it ^^' it's still big, but I miss the softness and that bit extra to grab hold of  He didn't really understand and kind of brushed it off. Although it does come up every so often when he asks me questions like 'are you a feeder' to which I responded 'not quite, I enjoy feeding you but not in the extreme ways you see on tv' he seemed cool with it? 

I love this guy so much  I want to respect his feelings and above all his happiness and wellbeing will come before my fettish Xxx


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## Still a Skye fan (Sep 29, 2016)

Be honest with your guy and take it from there. That's about all you can do


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## socrates74 (Dec 7, 2016)

I see your situation as
A)When you love someone you are (currently) not attracted to, and
B) You are infatuated with your partner for External Reasons
Physical attraction and compatibility are not the same thing. People will offer you reasons for _hope_ and 'everything will be "OK"'. But get ready for your future sexual excuse list. It is most likely coming unless you and him come to a successful conclusion. He gets something out of working out that he likes.


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## Tracii (Dec 9, 2016)

What if things were flipped around the other way?
How would you feel if he lost interest in you?
If you truly love him for who he is his lack weight shouldn't matter.
Its his body he can do what makes him feel better just as your body is your body.
You should have been up front about your preferences when you fist got together.


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## jakub (Dec 9, 2016)

Tracii said:


> What if things were flipped around the other way?
> How would you feel if he lost interest in you?



Someone lost attraction due to physical changes of partner. I see no connection between this and "How would you feel". It does not make sense, like Apple + 2 = Potato


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## Tracii (Dec 10, 2016)

OK jakub say your GF only likes you because you are fat.
You lose weight and she dumps you.
Pretty much says she didn't love you and only wanted you because you were fat.
I think you missed the point I was trying to make.


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## choudhury (Jan 5, 2017)

On the original issue: if the OP's BF has always been fat or inclined to be fat, then my advice would be to just ride it out. Something like 95% of diets fail and people regain the weight with interest. Being with a partner who is fat-positive helps too, no doubt.

If his being fat was more an exceptional thing - a deviation from a life of general thinness, caused by whatever, a slowing metabolism, etc. - then there's a higher risk of his staying thin. This is obviously a tougher scenario.

It's quite true that we can't just turn our preferences on and off like a tap. If you're sexually attracted primarily to BHM, that's not going to suddenly change just because your partner lost weight. This has nothing to do with whether you 'really love them.'

To her credit, the OP never talked about dumping the guy. Many people have basically fulfilling relationships with partners who fall significantly short of their sexual ideal. In the worst case scenario, this would be the OP's situation going forward. But my guess is that he'll gain the weight back eventually.


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## ChickletsBBW (Feb 5, 2017)

Sadly, I'm going through the opposite. My bf was thin and fit when we first met, we became friends and things evolved from there. He's known from the very beginning that my preference has been thinner guys. Although, I have dated men of various sizes in the past but my preference for the last 12 yrs or so has definitely been thin/ fit guys. Not like guys that hit the gym all the time or who have huge muscles or anything like that...I just seem to prefer a thin/flat stomach. And yes, ironic because I have no thin part on my body and the only thing flat on me would be...oh...nothing? lol

So I guess needless to say is that he's probably gained at least 30-40? lbs in the last 4 yrs and most of it probably in the last year. The worst this is he plays with his "gutt" & he jiggles it all the time, in front of me which is a total turn off  He's made comments that he's going to get back in shape, blah, blah, blah... but hasn't done anything abt it...not even a beginning attempt.

Pls dont get me wrong, I do love him and I do care abt him and he still has a cute face and still love his pretty blue eyes and I didnt mind the first probably 10-15 lbs but I've noticed probably in the last few months that I feel like I'm just not sexually attracted to his stomach.  I feel bad abt it and yes I still want sex from him but...its just not the same anymore 

He still makes comments abt exercising or riding his bike or going running etc... but he'd rather sit in front of his damn computer and play online games all night.

I got a recumbent bike and he finally set it up for me and yes, I've told him he can ride it while I'm still at work and can ride it until I'm ready to get on. (I leave for work by 6:50am and dont usually get home until 7:45 --8:45pm most evenings
I've even offered to do switch offs, like, me ride for a good 5 mins and then he get on for a 5 min set & then switch off. He agreed to it but totally couldn't get him to realize its much easier to exercise when you're doing it with someone instead of alone. So...I do it alone and not as often as I should or could do. Sadly he takes things so personally when you mention something like to him and it really brings down his morale and puts him in a funk for a long while.
.

So, I'm In a dilemma. Any advise, comments for me would be appreciated. Sorry for telling you all my issue abt this in someone else's post.

~Chicklets


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## bigmac (Feb 5, 2017)

ChickletsBBW said:


> ... Sadly he takes things so personally when you mention something like to him and it *really brings down his morale and puts him in a funk for a long while*.
> 
> ...
> 
> ~Chicklets




This surprises you? You told him you find his body a turn off. What did you expect?

I have some advice for him. Leave as quickly as possible.


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Feb 5, 2017)

don't want to get into it after all, peace, love and cupcakes.


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## socrates74 (Feb 5, 2017)

Lol on the last 3 posts. My diagnosis: *Do as I say not as I do*. My hope: plus size attraction does not become Slacktivism. 
I could be bribed by a BBW into weight loss but she would need to change her dress and make-up for _just compensation_. Effort for effort. Kink for kink.
---------------------------
Freedom of choice is what you got. Freedom from choice is what you want


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## landshark (Feb 5, 2017)

ChickletsBBW said:


> Sadly, I'm going through the opposite...



People change with time and sometimes adjusting to changes with a partner can be really challenging. You mentioned he gets upset when you bring it up, but it's not unfair of you to share with him (as tactfully as you possibly can) that some of the things that initially attracted you to him have changed and you'd like to know why he isn't as interested in staying in shape as he used to. If his answer is "I just lost interest and would rather play video games" I think you have a valid cause for concern.



bigmac said:


> This surprises you? You told him you find his body a turn off. What did you expect?
> 
> I have some advice for him. Leave as quickly as possible.



To be fair to her, she met and started a relationship with a man who was fit/in shape. Physical attraction is usually the catalyst that starts it all off, and is often one of the few things partners don't take for granted about each other, or at least to the extent they do with other things. 

The counter to this is ideally one learns to love the PERSON and not just the BODY. The physical only gets us so far and then we need more substantive elements to keep a relationship going.

The counter to the counter is that if this person's weight gain is a result of loss of interest in fitness, laziness, etc her frustration can be reasonably justified. It's different if he had a medical condition or an injury that made pursuit of fitness related goals harder, but I'm guessing had this been the case she would have said so.



socrates74 said:


> Lol on the last 3 posts. My diagnosis: *Do as I say not as I do*. My hope: plus size attraction does not become Slacktivism.
> I could be bribed by a BBW into weight loss but she would need to change her dress and make-up for _just compensation_. Effort for effort. Kink for kink.
> ---------------------------
> Freedom of choice is what you got. Freedom from choice is what you want



What a person prefers is entirely independent of what they themselves are. My wife doesn't demand that I train harder in the gym to maintain myself at a level of her liking, but she has made it clear she likes me a certain way and I'd go so far as to say expects I honor that. Now many may consider this hypocritical of her because she's not herself in shape. But does she have to be to want her husband to be in shape? If she told me today "I've decided I want to weigh 400 pounds and I also want you to improve that 6-pack" I'd say "yes, deer" and get to work. Besides, she knows I am personally very driven even without her influence to stay in good shape, so her preferences serve merely as additional motivation for myself.


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## agouderia (Feb 5, 2017)

ChickletsBBW said:


> So I guess needless to say is that he's probably gained at least 30-40? lbs in the last 4 yrs and most of it probably in the last year. The worst this is he plays with his "gutt" & he jiggles it all the time, in front of me which is a total turn off



We might just send the FFA-rescue squad to your house to save the poor guy. Many FFA's would swoon in delight over a guy who voluntarily and unprompted jiggles his gut.

Now I won't go into all these moral considerations about loving the whole person, accepting their decisions, good relationship go beyond sexual attraction, etc. etc.
Nor that fat people are better people, should be more tolerant and less judgemental (Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't. Negative personal experiences can breed empathy as well as resentment).

Just from a simple "practice what you preach"-fairness approach.
Judging from your picture, you are considerably more overweight thatn 30-40 pounds. Your personal preference aside - but how credible is you trying to badger someone to lose weight and get back in shape? 
No one who is unable or unwilling to fulfil whichever standard can rightfully demand that from anybody else.


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## bigmac (Feb 5, 2017)

happily_married said:


> ...
> 
> 
> To be fair to her, she met and started a relationship with a man who was fit/in shape. ...
> ...




From experience I know its really hard to stay in shape when you're dating a fat girl. It's unlikely that a fat girl is going to be down with eating the way needed to stay in top shape. Its also unlikely she'll want to participate in a very active lifestyle.


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## landshark (Feb 5, 2017)

bigmac said:


> From experience I know its really hard to stay in shape when you're dating a fat girl. It's unlikely that a fat girl is going to be down with eating the way needed to stay in top shape. Its also unlikely she'll want to participate in a very active lifestyle.



It's never been a problem for me. In fact it's a great source of motivation. I love the contrast. For the bulk of our almost 11 years of marriage my wife has been north of 300 pounds and right now is at least twice what I weigh. At her highest she outweighed me by 200 pounds: the difference in our weights was more than I even weighed! And through all that I've never found it hard to stay in shape. I don't doubt your experiences are legitimate, but they're definitely not universal. I'm just one example.


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## socrates74 (Feb 5, 2017)

Couples tend to adopt their same habits. * Attraction is attraction*. She likes what she likes. The contrast-FA's relationship paradox. Your partner most likely will have habits that will clash with yours. You won't be contrast over time without skills and effort. _*I knew the job was dangerous when I took it*_.....
To make a long story short. I thought it funny to ask partner modification advice-by-weight-loss on a Fat appercation vBulletin board. It is best in maybe a fitness one. The opposite: weight gain. There enough kinksters with amble advice, but they are not living your life/relationship.


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## socrates74 (Feb 5, 2017)

happily_married said:


> It's never been a problem for me. .... I don't doubt your experiences are legitimate, but they're definitely not universal. I'm just one example.



Granted. Short of some sci-fi fantasy : cloning yourself, reprogramming him, or transplanting brains. Besides checking in (representing yourself/ your relationship). How are you helping her? Her man has to want to change. Your relationship: you.


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## Fat Molly (Feb 5, 2017)

ChickletsBBW said:


> So I guess needless to say is that he's probably gained at least 30-40? lbs in the last 4 yrs and most of it probably in the last year. The worst this is he plays with his "gutt" & he jiggles it all the time, in front of me which is a total turn off  He's made comments that he's going to get back in shape, blah, blah, blah... but hasn't done anything abt it...not even a beginning attempt.



+1 to agouderia's response, though somewhat more muted - I feel like the biggest component of the thin-body FA community is thin (and, separately, often gay/bi) men who are trying to gain weight. If your partner is playing with his gut and jiggling it all the time, chances are he enjoys being larger. Just as he probably enjoys *you* being larger. It seems like he might be enjoying himself, and possibly enjoying your weight loss emphasis on a dark unconscious level - like perhaps he gorges while you're at work in response. I probably would if I were him. 

That doesn't mean you have to accept him at his current size, if it's seriously dampening your attraction to him. But one of the things that I personally find sexy is appreciation of what my partners find sexy (within reason) and encouraging them to get turned on, in whatever way makes the most sense. 

If there's a way you could potentially play around with your brain in that respect, and see if there's any benefits to his increased poundage that *do* turn you on... well, that would be one solution. For example, if he's sexually more energetic or emphatic than he has been in the past, that might be worth observing. 

(for what its worth, I raise my hand to be part of the FFA rescue team)


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## socrates74 (Feb 5, 2017)

Void void void


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## ChickletsBBW (Feb 5, 2017)

bigmac said:


> This surprises you? You told him you find his body a turn off. What did you expect?
> 
> I have some advice for him. Leave as quickly as possible.



No bigmac...I've never said directly to him that i find his body a turn off. If you read my post, i said that when i met him, he knew what my preference was we both talked about body preferences plus he also knows Ive dated guys much bigger than him and i never said i was turned off by their bodies.

I also said that I love him and I still want sex with him so duh..yeah still want to be with him...I'm just trying to figure out how to love his extra chubs.


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## landshark (Feb 5, 2017)

socrates74 said:


> Granted. Short of some sci-fi fantasy : cloning yourself, reprogramming him, or transplanting brains. Besides checking in (representing yourself/ your relationship). How are you helping her? Her man has to want to change. Your relationship: you.



I was replying to Big_Mac. He shared his experience, I shared mine. That's how a conversation works.


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## bigmac (Feb 6, 2017)

ChickletsBBW said:


> ... I'm just trying to figure out how to love his extra chubs.



Sorry but the veracity of this is undermined by your prior inconsistent statement.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 12, 2017)

Potatodragon said:


> So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
> The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
> But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller
> I'm feeling so conflicted



I'm going to agree with a lot of other people who say; confess the truth to him, and see if the two of you can work something out by putting your heads together. There may be other alternative solutions.

I will definitely say that I've definitely had a lot of situations where a person's open dislike of fatness has hurt my ability to relate to them. I rarely feel comfortable around thin people in general, no matter how well I know them, or know long I've known them for, and it does present me with some challenges to overcome, but I just have to keep a cool head and try to face them maturely and patiently.


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## landshark (Feb 12, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> I will definitely say that I've definitely had a lot of situations where a person's open dislike of fatness has hurt my ability to relate to them. *I rarely feel comfortable around thin people in general,* no matter how well I know them, or know long I've known them for, and it does present me with some challenges to overcome, but I just have to keep a cool head and try to face them maturely and patiently.



I've noticed you've said this a few times now on various threads. I am curious, why do you think this is? I realize we all have different experiences but from what I've been able to discern a great person and colossal douche rocket alike can come in any and all body types. In other words, personality types are independent of body types. What is it about thin people that makes you uneasy?


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## TwoSwords (Feb 12, 2017)

happily_married said:


> I've noticed you've said this a few times now on various threads. I am curious, why do you think this is? I realize we all have different experiences but from what I've been able to discern a great person and colossal douche rocket alike can come in any and all body types. In other words, personality types are independent of body types. What is it about thin people that makes you uneasy?



Ooh, boy. I hope this is what you really wanted to hear, even though I'm afraid I may not be the best at phrasing it succinctly. I'm going to be honest with you about my life.

To start with, it's an emotion, and I have evidence to indicate I've had this emotion in some form since I was 4, but my life experiences have done nothing to improve matters.

I've never been one of the popular kids, and I've never wanted to be one. I liked books, games and deep questions, and the other kids rarely wanted to spend time with me. Reaching out was unfruitful, and usually lead to one-sided friendships at best, all the way through high school, and admittedly, some of those were with fat kids too, but not many. Maybe part of it was the scarcity of legitimately fat people in my area of the world. Maybe I idealized what I already liked, because I hadn't been given as much experiential evidence that I should expect the worst from them. Even in fiction, depictions of fatness were rare, and had to be plucked from the mass that surrounded them like four-leaf clovers.

High School, though, only made things worse, as I had my first real crush, which didn't work for many reasons, and my first strong experience of feeling independent, like, for the first time, I understood enough to judge the worth of the various fictions of the world. Ever since then, I've seen the suppression of fatness in fiction and the media as something of an oppressive force in my life; like some kind of concentrated effort to oppose me. Even when I started to understand how economics worked, years later, and that this might not always be the case, I still felt the thick atmosphere of that hostility towards my aesthetics on a very strong emotional level.

The mounting series of little disappointments, year after year of seeing new presentations, stories, meeting new people, etc, and feeling disheartened in all but seven or eight cases (only three of which mattered for more than a few seconds,) gradually produced a sort of Pavlov's dogs effect, leading me to, in some cases, emotionally anticipate disappointment, every time I see this trait I can't appreciate, no matter what. It took me a while to get comfortable with the idea of something as normal as regular exercise or proper nutrition, because they were so strongly associated with that negative image.

At one point, I noticed that even when my BBW department manager was being demanding or getting on my case, despite my best efforts, I couldn't actually feel angry with her, and at the time, I thought that it was because I found her pretty, but now I realize it was more like a feeling of relief; that the time I spent talking to her wasn't laced with the negative connotations I'd come to expect from other kinds of human interactions. These days, I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings, and I've just got a positive employee review, where I was told my cheery attitude pleases people, but frankly, a lot of it is because I feel more at home in the office than in my real home, even though the work is frustrating, chaotic and unrelenting, the atmosphere is somewhat frigid and the environment a bit lonely. It's still a relieving atmosphere and a comforting place overall, because of all the people, men and women, who I don't get that negative vibe from.

Of course, there are still times when someone mentions a desire to lose weight, which often makes me want to curl up and sob for half an hour, but life is all about getting on with it, and sometimes, you just have to endure stuff like that. Still, there's times when the feeling do get pretty strong, and it's rough not having an outlet for them, which is why I eventually came here. I make no attempt to defend these feelings on rational grounds, because they're not an extension of my life philosophy. Instead, all I can do is observe that these are the feelings I have, and maybe think about how things got to this point out of curiosity.

Again, I hope that was really what you wanted to know, and I didn't just bore your head off with my life story.


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## landshark (Feb 13, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> Again, I hope that was really what you wanted to know, and I didn't just bore your head off with my life story.



No, really, it's quite all right. I asked a question and you gave me an answer. It does seem to me you're basing personality traits off of physical traits, though. As I mentioned, I've met good and bad alike in just about every body type imaginable. I'll abstain from suggesting you re-evaluate how you think, but I will say it seems a bit unfair. And members within the fat or size acceptance community have cried fowl when it is done to them.

Just a thought.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 13, 2017)

happily_married said:


> It does seem to me you're basing personality traits off of physical traits, though.



Well, in what sense? I don't see the connection between personality traits and what I said. Would you please elaborate?

P.S.: After a few seconds, a possibility occurred to me. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but are you suggesting that I might be equating the oppressive atmosphere I feel with an actual inward quality of prejudice in others? If not, that's fine, but I'm trying to understand what you're referring to.


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## landshark (Feb 14, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> Well, in what sense? I don't see the connection between personality traits and what I said. Would you please elaborate?
> 
> P.S.: After a few seconds, a possibility occurred to me. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but are you suggesting that I might be equating the oppressive atmosphere I feel with an actual inward quality of prejudice in others? If not, that's fine, but I'm trying to understand what you're referring to.



I'm suggesting you have a preconceived idea of what to expect from thin people and your being uncomfortable around them stems from confirmation bias. That is, regardless of their intent, anything and everything they do will serve as justification in your mind for your continued uneasiness around thin people. 

I don't know you, but based on what you've contributed here so far I'd be willing to bet if an overweight person slights you, you'd rationalize it. Meanwhile if a thin person showed you kindness you'd be suspicious. That you associate the personality as a product of body type, and have decided you don't like or trust thin people, regardless of their personality, because they are thin.


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 14, 2017)

bigmac said:


> From experience I know its really hard to stay in shape when you're dating a fat girl. It's unlikely that a fat girl is going to be down with eating the way needed to stay in top shape. Its also unlikely she'll want to participate in a very active lifestyle.


 
I don't know about this. I have had relationships with men who are in shape, some body builders. When in those relationships, I eat what they eat. That being said, if I wanted junk food, I went out and ate all the junk food I wanted. I just wouldn't do it in front of them so that it didn't derail them. Shit, I can't even tell you how much time I use to spend in gyms lazily walking on a treadmill or just sitting on the floor in front of them while they worked out. It I a matter of respecting one another enough to want to derail the other. 

It is very possible for two people on the opposite ends of the scale (ha ha) to live their lives with each other and not derail each other.

To the OP I say, if he wants to lose the weight, let him. You may not find his body as attractive, but find other things about him that get your mojo going.


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 14, 2017)

Twoswords... wow.. paranoid much? Thin people are not out to get you. Not all thin people are bad, not all fat people are jolly (ha ha) People are people and they come in good, bad and indifferent. even that has it's scale. I might find a person toxic for me, but for someone else they are great. It is about finding out what personalities work best with yours. If you are going to limit people because of their physical attributes, you are going to live a lonely life. (or become Hitleresque)


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## TwoSwords (Feb 14, 2017)

happily_married said:


> I'm suggesting you have a preconceived idea of what to expect from thin people and your being uncomfortable around them stems from confirmation bias. That is, regardless of their intent, anything and everything they do will serve as justification in your mind for your continued uneasiness around thin people.
> 
> I don't know you, but based on what you've contributed here so far I'd be willing to bet *if an overweight person slights you, you'd rationalize it. Meanwhile if a thin person showed you kindness you'd be suspicious.* That you associate the personality as a product of body type, and have decided you don't like or trust thin people, regardless of their personality, because they are thin.



I actually don't much mind being slighted. There are more important things than how I feel.

The closest thing to this that I can sympathize with would be that I have other feelings aside from feeling hurt, when I perceive that something bad is done by a fat person, and that, by itself, hostility towards fatness *causes* me to feel hurt, no matter who expresses it or in what context. However, I'm not about to assume this has any relevance to someone's personality, in part because personality is largely window-dressing to me. I've had a close relative go through an injury that lead to a *massive* personality change, and what this means is that personality can be changed, and changed easily. The bigger issue, and the one to which you've alluded, is ethics, and while a person may have ethical problems if they demonstrate hostility towards a quality that is not ethical in nature, that's not guaranteed to be the case either.

For the record, I think you're reading a lot of things into what I said, and assuming certain things about me that are untrue. I've said this before, and I'll say it again; my discomforts are purely emotional. No reasoning went into creating them, and no amount of reasoning can dispel them. Believe me, I studied for years in the attempt to do that. It's useless.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 14, 2017)

lucca23v2 said:


> Twoswords... wow.. paranoid much? Thin people are not out to get you. Not all thin people are bad, not all fat people are jolly (ha ha) People are people and they come in good, bad and indifferent. even that has it's scale. *I might find a person toxic for me,* but for someone else they are great. It is about finding out what personalities work best with yours. If you are going to limit people because of their physical attributes, you are going to live a lonely life. (or become Hitleresque)



In my mind, I'm well aware of all of this, and have been for decades, but nothing has ever been able to alter how I feel. Not therapy, not life experiences, and not studying philosophy. I've been able to make peace with being stuck with unhelpful feelings through my philosophical studies, but I don't really believe people can change how they feel by willing it so.

Or are you able to cease being sad, or angry, or anxious on command?

The highlighted section points out the real issue, I think. I don't honestly think that an emotional reaction to a person's personality is any different or more justified than an emotional reaction to a person's appearance. Both are emotions arising from aesthetic preferences. It's just that one is more apparent to the senses than the other is.


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 14, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> In my mind, I'm well aware of all of this, and have been for decades, but nothing has ever been able to alter how I feel. Not therapy, not life experiences, and not studying philosophy. I've been able to make peace with being stuck with unhelpful feelings through my philosophical studies, but I don't really believe people can change how they feel by willing it so.
> 
> Or are you able to cease being sad, or angry, or anxious on command?
> 
> The highlighted section points out the real issue, I think. I don't honestly think that an emotional reaction to a person's personality is any different or more justified than an emotional reaction to a person's appearance. Both are emotions arising from aesthetic preferences. It's just that one is more apparent to the senses than the other is.


A persona physical appearance is really not going to effect me one way or the other. A toxic person can have a very bad effect on me emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Two very different things.


Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## TwoSwords (Feb 14, 2017)

lucca23v2 said:


> A persona physical appearance is really not going to effect me one way or the other. A toxic person can have a very bad effect on me emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. Two very different things.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk



You're lucky then. The emotional reactions which you're stuck with are popularly-accepted. Mine, clearly, are not. Aside from this, I still see no difference.

P.S.: Unless by "toxic person who has a bad effect on you physically" you mean someone who commits acts of physical violence against you. That's in another league, because physical injury isn't an emotional reaction.


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## landshark (Feb 14, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> I actually don't much mind being slighted. There are more important things than how I feel.



My comment about rationalizing I got from one of your other posts. Since I'm not inclined to go back and find the exact quote I'll happily move along. 



TwoSwords said:


> The closest thing to this that I can sympathize with would be that I have other feelings aside from feeling hurt, when I perceive that something bad is done by a fat person, and that, by itself, hostility towards fatness *causes* me to feel hurt, no matter who expresses it or in what context. However, I'm not about to assume this has any relevance to someone's personality, in part because personality is largely window-dressing to me. I've had a close relative go through an injury that lead to a *massive* personality change, and what this means is that personality can be changed, and changed easily. The bigger issue, and the one to which you've alluded, is ethics, and while a person may have ethical problems if they demonstrate hostility towards a quality that is not ethical in nature, that's not guaranteed to be the case either.



I think the important thing here is you make no assumption between your observations and someone's personalty. I disagree that personality is window dressing but fundamentally believe personality can and does change with time and life experiences. 



TwoSwords said:


> For the record, I think you're reading a lot of things into what I said, and assuming certain things about me that are untrue. I've said this before, and I'll say it again; my discomforts are purely emotional. *No reasoning went into creating them, and no amount of reasoning can dispel them.* Believe me, I studied for years in the attempt to do that. It's useless.



Again, I'm only going off of things you've posted. Perhaps I've misread or mischaracterized something you said. I think you've somewhat addressed that you don't attribute actions or personalities to body types with your statement above. Still, I don't think you've really addressed my question about why thin people make you uneasy. I've read your lengthy post a couple times now and nowhere embedded in there is a real "WHY" answer. And I think you probably could have bypassed all the extra wordiness and gone straight to the part I bolded. 

Now that's something I can appreciate. Emotion is not always rational, no matter how hard we try to make it so.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 14, 2017)

happily_married said:


> I think the important thing here is you make no assumption between your observations and someone's personalty. I disagree that personality is window dressing but fundamentally believe personality can and does change with time and life experiences.



I don't think there's necessarily any connection between appearance and personality, though that doesn't mean there's *no one* in the world whose appearance effects their personality or vice versa, obviously.

As for the rest, I suppose we can agree to disagree. I just don't see that fragile qualities, which are easily adapted to are that big of a deal.



happily_married said:


> Again, I'm only going off of things you've posted. Perhaps I've misread or mischaracterized something you said. I think you've somewhat addressed that you don't attribute actions or personalities to body types with your statement above. Still, I don't think you've really addressed my question about why thin people make you uneasy. I've read your lengthy post a couple times now and nowhere embedded in there is a real "WHY" answer. And I think you probably could have bypassed all the extra wordiness and gone straight to the part I bolded.



"Why" can have many meanings. I took you to mean "what factors cause you to feel this way," like a scientific "why" rather than a logical one. I don't think there is a logical reason for my emotions to be what they are.



happily_married said:


> Now that's something I can appreciate. Emotion is not always rational, no matter how hard we try to make it so.



Quite.


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## bigmac (Feb 14, 2017)

lucca23v2 said:


> ...
> 
> It is very possible for two people on the opposite ends of the scale (ha ha) to live their lives with each other and not derail each other.
> 
> To the OP I say, if he wants to lose the weight, let him. You may not find his body as attractive, but find other things about him that get your mojo going.




Easy to say -- much harder to actually do.


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## quantumbits (Feb 19, 2017)

Potatodragon said:


> So I adore my boyfriend, he's one of the sweetest men you'll ever meet and he treats me with such respect and understanding.
> The only issue is I have a somewhat hidden fat fettish, he's a larger guy so I've never had any issues getting aroused, all I had to do was look at him or touch his stomach and I'm there ^^'
> But lately he's started going to the gym and is clearly loosing weight, mostly due to pressure from his family. I think he's enjoying it and feeling better for it which makes me happy for him because I love him and want what's best for his happiness. The only problem is I'm slowly loosing interest in sex and just don't find his body appealing as it gets smaller
> I'm feeling so conflicted



YOu've given me insight, or the motive to continue to learn. I had the suspicion some woman like manfat. How it works I don't know. Could be lots of things. Soemthing to think on. 

I've noticed some homosexual men like muscles and dislike fat. I know that whne htey examine hte brains of homosexual males they resemble the brain of heterosexual woman. Now do some woman also have a fetihs for muscle and disfavor fat? If so, how exactly do you fit into all this? And one other thing. I also have a fetish for fat on a woman's abdomen. I wonder if the way I like abdomen fat (the worst kind of fat btw) is similar. For me it's the shape of the womans abdomen, highlighted by fat. Skinny woman have a similar profile, but it's fainter. I guess maybe the shape doesn't matter? Maybe it's the fact the fat enhances the shape and that's what gets us.

I've read fat USED to represent somebody who's well fed and thus wealthy. This person will survive winter and periods of lack of food. In history that seemed to be the case. So there was a selection pressure for us to be attracted to something which would benefit us and our children--namely wealth and survival. In modern times it's so easy to be well fed it's no longer an indicator of wealth or survival. In fact, our tendency to eat and enjoy eating and seek those who're well fed is making us fatter than we should be. Our genes are tellling us to keep doing it, but our genes still think this is 10,000 BC. They just haven't got the message yet. Eugenetics somehow doesn't keep pace.


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