# When the wife diets successfully



## SvenskFA (Jul 27, 2015)

I met my wife 7 years ago. She was 363 lbs back then. She lost down to 332 to easier get pregnant and after 2 babies she was at 286 lbs. As a FA i prefered her bigger but our overall life was better at this weight and our sex life was still good. 

But this january she started a rather radical diet supervised by the hospital. I suspected I would be bothered by this but I never thought I would be this devastated about it. Our sex life has completely died and now that she is down to 210 lbs I don't find her sexy. 

I love her as much as always but I don't know how to get our intimacy going again. This is a very big problem for me and advice like "love will find a way" isn't helping. If I could shut my FA-ness off everything would be fine but since that isn't possible I need another way.

I would really apreciate advice from other FAs who have dealt with this.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jul 27, 2015)

Our minds and bodies surprise us; sometimes they trick us. You need to talk with someone who has made a study of bodies and emotions: a counselor, or even a sex therapist. We at Dims will support you, but we can't advise you the way a professional can. Please seek help from someone who is trained to deal with problems like yours. And please let us know how your life is going: we are your friends.


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## lucca23v2 (Jul 27, 2015)

That is a hard situation. I can understand that you love the person, but if you are no longer sexually attracted, that can be a problem. I second what Dr. feelgood said. I suggest you seek professional help because the two of you are in a difficult situation.

I wish you the best.


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## bigmac (Jul 28, 2015)

I'm probably too cynical but it seems to me that the only thing counselors and therapists are good at is generating invoices.


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## Dromond (Jul 28, 2015)

Love doesn't conquer all, happily ever after does not exist, people can change in ways you don't like, and shit happens. You have to decide whether or not you still want to be with her. A marriage can survive without intimacy and desire, but it isn't easy or fun. If you can't find it within yourself to be intimate with her because most of the fat is gone, then it's time to let her go.

If that sounds cruel, well, welcome to Earth.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jul 28, 2015)

bigmac said:


> I'm probably too cynical but it seems to me that the only thing counselors and therapists are good at is generating invoices.



You probably are, but you have a valid point (or you would, if you'd stick a "some" in front of the word "counselors"). In every profession there are the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Anyone planning to put himself or his affairs into the hands of another person needs to check that person out thoroughly.


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## Tad (Jul 28, 2015)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> You probably are, but you have a valid point (or you would, if you'd stick a "some" in front of the word "counselors"). In every profession there are the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Anyone planning to put himself or his affairs into the hands of another person needs to check that person out thoroughly.



And I'd add that someone could be good for person A, but not for person B. A lot of the successful therapy/counselling stories Ive heard start off with something like On my fourth try I finally hit the jackpot and got someone I clicked with.


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## mediaboy (Jul 28, 2015)

No body wants to be that stereotype FA who can't their partner because they lost weight.

I recommend you guys get high as kites and then rediscover what's sexy about one another.

What ever you do don't ask her to gain weight. Asking some one to act in spite of their own desires and best interest is emotionally abusive as hell.

I mean when was the last time you guys just cuddled each other and petbone another's genitals?

When was the last time you guys just went down on the other while you guys watched The Princess Bride?

Maybe the weight loss is just the camel that broke the straws back? Maybe, you guys haven't been fucking for a long time? Maybe you've just been jerking off using each other's genitals for years but you haven't noticed until now?


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## SvenskFA (Jul 28, 2015)

I appreciate all of your answers. I lean towards seeking counseling. 

As for our sex life it was very good and frequent up until the drastic weight-loss began. I really am happy for her achivement and certainly won't ask her to gain the weight back. I just want to have a smilet on my face again when I see her naked and somehow forget how wonderful it was to be intimate when she was bigger.


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## Tad (Jul 28, 2015)

One thought is that, based on talking with my friends at least, after kids a lot of couples have their sex lives break down to a greater or lesser degree. That things were good as long as they were says you have probably actually done better than many others. It doesn't make the current problem less frustrating much, I'd think, but still do try to keep in mind that you actually had it unusually good before.


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## bigmac (Jul 29, 2015)

Dromond said:


> Love doesn't conquer all, happily ever after does not exist, people can change in ways you don't like, and shit happens. You have to decide whether or not you still want to be with her. A marriage can survive without intimacy and desire, but it isn't easy or fun. If you can't find it within yourself to be intimate with her because most of the fat is gone, then it's time to let her go.
> 
> If that sounds cruel, well, welcome to Earth.



Yes, people change -- you either deal with it or move on.


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## bigmac (Jul 29, 2015)

SvenskFA said:


> ...
> 
> I would really apreciate advice from other FAs who have dealt with this.




Find a good plastic surgeon and buy her bigger boobs. If you're fixated on her rack the state of the rest of her body won't be that important.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Jul 29, 2015)

Bigmac that was pretty crass and does nothing to help shed the stigma of FA or men in general.

Svenski, it sounds like you love her still and were able to compromise on her size/your preferences already as she lost weight. From your post is seems purely physical, and i am assuming (to be blunt) its difficult for you to perform because you arent feeling it. If not, i apolgize for the inference. By that, i mean it has less to do with relationship issues than the physical act?

Does she know your preferences, could you focus on a specific area that has some chub to get you started? I know that even guys like my bhm sometimes have trouble get revving, but if i flaunt my ass or wear tight undies he perks up, and once there he is able to keep going. Also, maybe turn off the lights and or try some positions that were not possible before due to her weight, to spice things up?

I would also suggest just touching/cuddling. Maybe get a babysitter once a week so that you guys can have "you" time...yet without feeling the pressure of "this is a one time thing we better make the most of it and have sex"


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## bigmac (Jul 29, 2015)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Bigmac that was pretty crass and does nothing to help shed the stigma of FA or men in general.
> 
> ...




Us guys are pretty primitive creatures -- if we can't get our fill of jiggly and bouncy one way why not another.


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## Dromond (Jul 30, 2015)

I see you're pretty much the same outside Hyde Park as you are when in it.


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## SvenskFA (Jul 30, 2015)

To Xyantha: You are correct. I still love her very much and I have troubles performing or even wanting now that she is this thin. So no relationship issues but big physical issues.

She knows of my preference. Your advice seems good and I will try to test them. I also like your last advice. We have already talked about that and are going to try that. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate them very much!


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## bigmac (Jul 30, 2015)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Bigmac that was pretty crass and does nothing to help shed the stigma of FA or men in general.
> 
> ...



This is a thread about sexual attraction -- if we're going to be honest its going to have to be a bit crass. Looks matter -- anyone who says they don't is lying -- and this applies equally to both sexes.

If you don't find your sexual partner physically attractive the relationship is doomed. Its totally unreasonable to expect that your partner's looks will always remain the same (obviously we all age and change). However, human nature being what it is there are always going to be people who have a hard time with change. 

For FA's accustomed to the look and feel of a large partner significant weight loss can be an issue. I suggested a workaround. I workaround that has worked pretty well for me I might add (my wife went from 522 pounds to 165 pounds). I never lost sexual interest (even before the reconstructive surgery that followed her weight loss) but augmentation has certainly had a positive influence (she likes them too).


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## bigmac (Jul 30, 2015)

Dromond said:


> I see you're pretty much the same outside Hyde Park as you are when in it.




Sorry for offending your delicate sensibilities.


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## WTF (Jul 30, 2015)

yea we know bigmac. your wife was fat, now shes not, her boobs are awesome.

youre a fuckin broken record.


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## Durin (Jul 31, 2015)

For what it's worth there is a Vast difference between casual knowledge of your preference vs actual knowledge 

Make her aware of the extent of the problem. Without judgement that she needs to change. 

Then a solution might be reached

Also you might just wait and see if she regains

I was very concerned when my wife underwent wls Turned out not to be a problem as she did not lose as much as advertise


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## dwesterny (Jul 31, 2015)

Durin said:


> For what it's worth there is a Vast difference between casual knowledge of your preference vs actual knowledge
> 
> Make her aware of the extent of the problem. Without judgement that she needs to change.
> 
> ...


Disagree, I think you owe it to her to actively support her hard work and decision to be healthier. She wants to live longer to see her children grow up. Frankly I'm not even sure you should bring your problems up if she might be derailed by fear of losing you. If your wife had a double mastectomy would you say "Aww but baby I liked you better with boobs"?


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## jakub (Aug 1, 2015)

SvenskFA said:


> Our sex life has completely died and now that she is down to 210 lbs I don't find her sexy.


 
I'm sorry that this happened to you and your family.



SvenskFA said:


> I love her as much as always but I don't know how to get our intimacy going again.



Sorry - it's over.



SvenskFA said:


> This is a very big problem for me and advice like "love will find a way" isn't helping.



This is fairy tale bullshit for weak minds.

From my perspective only options for you are: open relationship, divorce...or do nothing (and be miserable). This sounds hars but try to face it and turn off emotions for a moment - do the math and decide.

Sex is one of the basic instincts that needs to be satisfied, without it you will end up with depression and poor quality of life. I know that because I've been there.


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## dwesterny (Aug 1, 2015)

jakub said:


> This sounds hars but try to face it and turn off emotions for a moment - do the math and decide.



I'm not certain turning off your emotions when thinking about your wife and the mother of your children is really the way to go.


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## jakub (Aug 1, 2015)

dwesterny said:


> I'm not certain turning off your emotions when thinking about your wife and the mother of your children is really the way to go.



Yes it is, you just have to take everything possible into account. Your happiness will impact well being of other family members, can you be good for your children when you are miserable? Can you look at your wife and smile when you know deep down she is making your life pathetic?

If love is strong and people are open minded - open relationship could work.


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## dwesterny (Aug 1, 2015)

jakub said:


> open relationship could work.


With kids you have to be careful with this. Word gets around. I remember a young guy just out of college came to work at a place I was working, like 10 years ago. A friend of mine at work who knew the guy's family told me about his parents open relationship. 

I felt bad it was awkward for him, especially when I asked him for his mom's number.


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## lucca23v2 (Aug 1, 2015)

Let us make an example. Let's say that you are married to the BBW of your dreams. However you decide that you need a surgery that is elective, but will increase your life span and maybe give you a better self esteem except that as a result it makes your penis bigger. You know from the start that your wife loves your penis the way it is. You also know for a fact that your wife does not like a big penis. She now has no sex drive because she does not like your penis and no longer wants to have sex and can get turned on by you, but you are still head over heals in love with your wife. This is a decision you chose for yourself because it gives you more self esteem and prolongs your life, so it is best for you in the long run.

Since according to you...



jakub said:


> Sex is one of the basic instincts that needs to be satisfied, without it you will end up with depression and poor quality of life. I know that because I've been there.



(which is not true, many couples do live without a sexual component to their marriage and are quite happy) 

You will be completely ready to let go of the love of your life over something you have no control over?

Or according to your other advice...



jakub said:


> From my perspective only options for you are: open relationship, divorce...or do nothing (and be miserable). This sounds harsh but try to face it and turn off emotions for a moment - do the math and decide.



You would be ok with her having sex with someone else, let him fulfill her sexually, or get divorced because you can't hack that you can't make her happy in bed?

I seriously doubt any of these options would sit well with you. And I would bet money that you would be hurt that the person you love and the person who committed to love you through good and bad, sickness and health is now leaving you because of a health situation you can not control. 

You say that you were in that situation.. were you married with kids? 

IMO.. When you fall in love with someone you love the person, the physical may draw you to that person, but you fall in love with who they are.. not their tasty candy coating. That to me is being shallow. If the candy coating is what you love, then you need to go back and truly learn what love is. JMO..

******Just as a disclaimer...I know there are good reasons for divorce and I have no problem with people in an open relationship/marriage. If it works for them, more power to them. (I am too jealous for that sort of thing, but that is my hang up not anyone else's) No judgement on my side.*******


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## loopytheone (Aug 1, 2015)

jakub said:


> Sex is one of the basic instincts that needs to be satisfied, without it you will end up with depression and poor quality of life. I know that because I've been there.



For you? Sure. For everyone else? Not neccessarily. Lots of people like sex. Lots of people need sex in their life to be happy. But most definitely not everybody. Plenty of people are happy without sex in a relationship. Rather than throwing away an entire marriage based on the sex not being good at the moment, I would suggest talking to a sexual therapist if sex is important but not working for you at the moment. It is something a lot of couples go through at one point or another and there are so many things you can do to try and new ways to make things stimulating and exciting for both partners.

Also, as an asexual, I can assure you that sex is not a 'basic instinct that need to be satisfied'. Plenty of us have no such 'instinct' or desire. It isn't like hunger or thirst. If you have a strong sex drive and aren't willing to go without sexual pleasure then that is fine but it isn't an innate thing in everyone that everyone experiences in the same way you do.


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## jakub (Aug 2, 2015)

So many replies 

Its not about you, its about OP, OP stated that sex is a problem.
There are people who lives happily without leg or eye or something else - it does not mean that you should remove one (or force yourself to living uncomfortably for rest of your life).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

Sex is a basic instinct, asexuality is a minority (I guess I can say that for 1% representation in population) - when replying to someone I'm assuming average in every aspect unless stated (as preference for FAT partner which is a minority too).



lucca23v2 said:


> You would be ok with her having sex with someone else, let him fulfill her sexually, or get divorced because you can't hack that you can't make her happy in bed?



Open marriage should work both ways, otherwise it is half-open marriage


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## Xyantha Reborn (Aug 2, 2015)

Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) with my husband, and it does create feelings of frustration and sometimes hurt that his drive isn't as high as mine. So lets not say that sexual instinct or needs are male based only. His wife may be crawling up his leg to have sex now that she is feeling slim and sexy - he may just not be in a position to reciprocate. 

Also, the presumption that seems to have been made is that the OP would have "better luck" with another woman. Now, he may be devilishly handsome and rich, but in my experience, there is absolutely no guarantee he would even be able to find a woman to date, let alone have a serious relationship with. Look at all the men looking on this site alone. So the option isn't really thin current wife or find yourself another sexier BBW - it should be is he SO unhappy with his relationship overall he would rather be alone? If the answer is yes, that is a whole other ballgame. If no, this is a point of frustration for him that he is just trying to work through. 

I have to agree with Lucca - if you know your partner has not only a love of your body but a sexual preference around it and you chose to change it anyway, you have to take some accountability for the end results. Changing your body so drastically is like changing your face - if my guy went out and basically changed everything on his face, I don't know what my libido would do, but I suspect it would shut off - because he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. Not to say that feeling would in unconquerable, but it would certainly jar and cause unhappiness.

I personally do not believe in open marriages. To me, you are either with that person solely, or you are dating. And it is almost always seems to be proposed by men. Let's assume she does have some sex drive with her weight loss. His wife has lost weight, either for health or personal reasons. She apparently knows about his preferences. And you think she will be ok with him going off and boinking fat chicks because he has no sexual interest in her? To me, that is the ultimate epitome of insult. To most women I know, open marriage = "Sorry babe, you're fugly (or I am a total cad) but I'm too much of a wuss to leave you, so do you mind if I keep all the benefits and security of being with you, while I go bang chicks who are actually hot?" 

Also, as Tad pointed out, having children tends to derail most sex lives. And because the OP has children, it isn't as simple as love 'em and leave 'em anymore. I assume the OP loves his kids, maybe he doesn't. 


And by the by - Maslow's hierarchy of needs is one of the most simplistic psychological references that is highly misused. Although it provides a general guidance, it has been proven incorrect over and over again by real life situations by both humans and other animals. Assuming however it is true, the bottom layer (aka base simplistic needs) are that which is required for basic survival - and much as we like to think it is, sex is not one of those once children have been conceived, and only applies in cultures where offspring are essential to life. Sex actually falls into the love/belonging category, which is NOT considered a 'base' need.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

loopytheone said:


> ...
> 
> Also, as an asexual, I can assure you that *sex is not a 'basic instinct that need to be satisfied'*. Plenty of us have no such 'instinct' or desire. It isn't like hunger or thirst. If you have a strong sex drive and aren't willing to go without sexual pleasure then that is fine but it isn't an innate thing in everyone that everyone experiences in the same way you do.




Sexuality varies considerably among individuals but let me assure you that for large portions of the male population sex *is* a very basic need that must indeed be satisfied. One of the primary benefits of a steady relationship or marriage is the regular availability of an intimate partner.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> ... Changing your body so drastically is like changing your face - if my guy went out and basically changed everything on his face, I don't know what my libido would do, but I suspect it would shut off - because he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. ...



Its kind of like having an affair with another person -- but not. It can actually be pretty hot.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) ...




Yes, I don't know if I'm fortunate or cursed but at 51 years old my sex drive is pretty much the same as when I was 17. Regardless of what Maslow thinks when guys aren't getting sex they think about it all the time -- it becomes their primary unmet need (I'm assuming they're not homeless and starving). I work quite far from home and I'm not going home this weekend -- the two week period of enforced celibacy is driving me crazy. I'm going home next weekend no matter what!

It's my position that sexual compatibility is essential. A very sexual guy or gal married to a partner who only wants to do it once a month with the lights off is just not going to work (for either party).


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## dwesterny (Aug 2, 2015)

Convincing yourself that you need something that you desire is sometimes no more than a means of justifying selfish behavior.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

dwesterny said:


> Convincing yourself that you need something that you desire is sometimes no more than a means of justifying selfish behavior.




People need sex -- its just nature being nature.


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## lucca23v2 (Aug 2, 2015)

bigmac said:


> It's my position that sexual compatibility is essential. A very sexual guy or gal married to a partner who only wants to do it once a month with the lights off is just not going to work (for either party).



So let's say when you get married you are both sexually compatible. Lets say through the years it changes because of kids, health issues. meds. whatever.. does that mean that you now check out if the marriage because the sexual component is not there because of health issues? It just seems selfish to mm.. That person is only interested in their own needs being met. call me crazy, but I thought being in love meant that you care for the other persons needs as much as your own needs. If you are leaving a marriage because *one (1)* need isn't being meant the way you want it met, then it is not a marriage.

But getting back to the OP's original thought/post.... I think you may want to discuss things with her and maybe the both of you should go to counseling and see if something can be worked out. It can't hurt to try. If it can't, then the both of you can decided where to go from there.


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## dwesterny (Aug 2, 2015)

lucca23v2 said:


> But getting back to the OP's original thought/post.... I think you may want to discuss things with her and maybe the both of you should go to counseling and see if something can be worked out. It can't hurt to try. If it can't, then the both of you can decided where to go from there.


Not knowing the wife this may or may not be the best way to go IMO. As I said before consider how it will effect her. It may be more important to be supportive for now and deal with your issue once she has reached her goal and maintained it for a while. I understand being unhappy because you are not enjoying sex sucks, but a medically supervised radical diet is not exactly a pleasure either. Oh joy another chalky protein shake!

By the way I'm not running the original poster down by saying this. He seems like a good guy who is genuinely concerned about his wife and looking to do the right thing.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

lucca23v2 said:


> So let's say when you get married you are both sexually compatible. Lets say through the years it changes because of kids, health issues. meds. whatever.. does that mean that you now check out if the marriage because the sexual component is not there because of health issues? It just seems selfish to mm.. That person is only interested in their own needs being met. call me crazy, but I thought being in love meant that you care for the other persons needs as much as your own needs. If you are leaving a marriage because *one (1)* need isn't being meant the way you want it met, then it is not a marriage.
> 
> ...



Life gets complicated. People do age and change -- if a person cannot accept that they're pretty infantile. However, IMHO, *sexual intimacy is an* *essential component of a healthy marriage*. Obviously at some point -- with advanced old age -- sexual activity will tapper off -- but until then sex is an essential part of a healthy marriage. 

Also, its not a selfishness issue -- the needs of both partners have to be satisfied.


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## jakub (Aug 2, 2015)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> To most women I know, open marriage = "Sorry babe, you're fugly (or I am a total cad) but I'm too much of a wuss to leave you, so do you mind if I keep all the benefits and security of being with you, while I go bang chicks who are actually hot?"



Sometimes it is other way around. You do not want to leave woman you love without any helping hand or money only because you can't have sex with her.


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## Tad (Aug 2, 2015)

lucca23v2 said:


> So let's say when you get married you are both sexually compatible. Lets say through the years it changes because of kids, health issues. meds. whatever.. does that mean that you now check out if the marriage because the sexual component is not there because of health issues? It just seems selfish to mm.. That person is only interested in their own needs being met. call me crazy, but I thought being in love meant that you care for the other persons needs as much as your own needs. If you are leaving a marriage because *one (1)* need isn't being meant the way you want it met, then it is not a marriage.
> 
> But getting back to the OP's original thought/post.... I think you may want to discuss things with her and maybe the both of you should go to counseling and see if something can be worked out. It can't hurt to try. If it can't, then the both of you can decided where to go from there.



All of this, so totally all of this ^^^^^^^

One more thought for the OP: do you think you have a preference for a ssbbw partner, and the degree of change was just too much to take in, or do you think you have more of a fetish, where a lot of fat is simply necessary for your sexual functioning, period? For example, if you'd met your wife at her current weight, back in the day, and she'd invited you to.bed, do you think you could have performed back then?

And even one more thoigbt;: you are sure you have no health issues that could be hurting hour sexual functioning?


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## lucca23v2 (Aug 2, 2015)

To me this is one of the downsides of being with an FA. *Before I begin,Ii will say, this is in regards to SOME FA's not all and certainly not the majority of FA's. *

Any change on the scale that reflects a weight loss, it becomes a major problem. Relationships in and of themselves have problems, and then to add the fact that losing weight is something that most big people feel proud of, it is not something you would want to or even share with an FA partner because you know it will cause them to be mad. That is a lot of pressure.

I prefer to be in a relationship where the guy is with me not because I am big or small or I have big tits or a big ass, or big thighs or long hair, etc. I want him to be with me for me. 

I totally understand that there has to be something that the person finds attractive, but I want to the person to be with me because he like the package and not the wrapping/packaging/shell/box/delicious candy coating D ) it comes in.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

lucca23v2 said:


> ...
> 
> I prefer to be in a relationship where the guy is with me not because I am big or small or I have big tits or a big ass, or big thighs or long hair, etc. I want him to be with me for me.
> 
> ...



Of course, but the reality of the matter is that people generally only pursue, as potential mates, people they find attractive. Its not just a guy think. Most women won't date guys they don't find attractive.


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## bigmac (Aug 2, 2015)

Perhaps the OP just needs some patience. Absent WLS diets have a greater than 95% long-term failure rate. He can just needs to wait until she gets fat again.


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## lucca23v2 (Aug 2, 2015)

bigmac said:


> Of course, but the reality of the matter is that people generally only pursue, as potential mates, people they find attractive. Its not just a guy think. Most women won't date guys they don't find attractive.



This is not always the case. I know people that are now happily married that could not stand each other when they first met. They happen to spend a lot of time together because of friends they had in common. 

I also know plenty of couples that were friends for years without having any kind of interest in the other person other than friendship. They are now either in a committed relationship or married.

Where as I believe that people for the most part pursue those they find attractive, this doesn't exclude people from falling in love with a friend they admire and grow to love for whom they are.

But now we are way off topic. To the op.. I hope things work out for you.


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## SvenskFA (Aug 4, 2015)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) with my husband, and it does create feelings of frustration and sometimes hurt that his drive isn't as high as mine. So lets not say that sexual instinct or needs are male based only. His wife may be crawling up his leg to have sex now that she is feeling slim and sexy - he may just not be in a position to reciprocate.
> 
> Also, the presumption that seems to have been made is that the OP would have "better luck" with another woman. Now, he may be devilishly handsome and rich, but in my experience, there is absolutely no guarantee he would even be able to find a woman to date, let alone have a serious relationship with. Look at all the men looking on this site alone. So the option isn't really thin current wife or find yourself another sexier BBW - it should be is he SO unhappy with his relationship overall he would rather be alone? If the answer is yes, that is a whole other ballgame. If no, this is a point of frustration for him that he is just trying to work through.
> 
> ...


 

Here in Sweden BBWs are rare and the ones there are aren't aware of the concept BBW. Almost every bigger woman hates or at the most tolerates their bodies. So finding another BBW is very hard. And as I see it the question is if I am so unhappy with my relationship that I rather would be alone? The answer is that I will do anything I can to save my marriage, that is why I posted my question.

I do not want an open marriage even if I can see that it could be a solution for both of us.
I love my kids very much. That's why I want to save my marriage. If the choice is between seing my kids every day and not having sex for the rest of my life and seing them for limited times and having sex I chose seing my kids every day. But it isn't as simple as that. I know that my wife wants sex so I must be able to have sex with her even if she isn't as sexy to me as she was before.


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## dwesterny (Aug 4, 2015)

Have you tried popping a Viagra and just going to town? Maybe if her new body brings you physical pleasure you will become attracted to it. I'm no therapist (I'm kind of a schmuck really) but I will revert to my original post that I deleted. Why not try to fake it till you make it? Or you could call it positive visualization. Can it hurt to try?


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## Durin (Aug 6, 2015)

I think this Whole Thread has to do with the FA Condition, especially when it comes to Long Term Relationships.

How many FA's feel completly and totally who they are sexually in their relationships. Some do I am sure. You could marry the most wonderful sexy BBW and while you think she is awesome, she just doesn't get you like you wished. 

Jettison the relationship? I don't know.

I just think this is a hard bridge to cross for most of us. How completely do I or any of you share what goes on in our minds, and should we even.


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## fatsmagic (Aug 12, 2015)

I have been reading this thread, and digesting (excuse the pun) the thoughts.
Personally, I think that you cannot fool yourself when it comes to sexual attraction.
If you 'use your imagination' to get aroused, and then just 'go through the motions' because you feel like it's your duty, then you are not only doing your wife a disservice, you are also cheating yourself too. If you don't find her sexually stimulating, then there is no point in faking it.
You will both be happier if you found another solution (open relationship, a split, or some other).....
Unless you are both happy to 'not have any more sex' (and lets be honest, if couples are both happy to do that, then fair play to them), then sex is a part of that relationship and is important. Of course, not being able to have sex for medical reasons is a different thing, as long as the 'want' is there, that's the important feeling to have.
I have been with my partner for 26 years, and only just got married a couple of months ago. I have already discussed if we get to the point where we don't fancy each other sexually, then we should talk about the options.


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## lucca23v2 (Aug 12, 2015)

bigmac said:


> Of course, but the reality of the matter is that people generally only pursue, as potential mates, people they find attractive. Its not just a guy think. Most women won't date guys they don't find attractive.


 
I didn't mean this is only men, I meant women too. It goes for both sexes. The initial connection most likely is from finding the person attractive, but you fall in love with who a person is. If you are with a person because of the body they have, then let me tell you, you will be jumping from relationship to relationship, because regardless of how much you work out, or eat, etc. the body changes as you age. 

I KNOW that sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but that attraction should not be solely based on the persons body. Their personality and who they are as a person should be what drives your sexual attraction. 

I love peanut M&M's, but I would still love and eat the peanut even it didn't come with the chocolate and candy coating.
JMO


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## bigmac (Aug 12, 2015)

fatsmagic said:


> I have been reading this thread, and digesting (excuse the pun) the thoughts.
> Personally, I think that you cannot fool yourself when it comes to sexual attraction.
> If you 'use your imagination' to get aroused, and then just 'go through the motions' because you feel like it's your duty, then you are not only doing your wife a disservice, you are also cheating yourself too. If you don't find her sexually stimulating, then there is no point in faking it.
> 
> ...




I agree and then again I don't. I'm not sure its fooling yourself to be open to the possibilities presented by a thinner spouse.




lucca23v2 said:


> ...
> 
> I KNOW that sexual attraction is important in a relationship, but that attraction should not be solely based on the persons body. Their personality and who they are as a person should be what drives your sexual attraction.
> 
> ...



Again I agree -- but only sort of. Yes physical attraction is only part of the mix. One ingredient if you will -- but its an essential ingredient.


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## likeitmatters (Sep 20, 2015)

I was not going to ring on this but after a while, the weight does not even matter. My partner is 7 4 and 350lbs and I do not see the height or the weight and all I see if my beautiful husband.

Due to being on a few meds for diabetics and such, my sex drive and my manhood no longer works but he understands and does not mind. I find him sexy and adorable but no drive but we still have time for each other for other things and he jerks off while I am there or by himself. 

I am wondering, were you turned on to her just for her weight or were you turned on for the whole package? That is the real question that should be asked.


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## choudhury (Sep 21, 2015)

I'm not too sold on any logic that says 'if you are not turned on by your partner any more, the relationship is over.' At risk of offending older posters - and I'm middle-aged myself - it is probably true that most people's first preference is not to have an aged lover. Yet many seniors have quite satisfying sex lives, I'm told. Obviously, they are able to work around the fact that their partner is no longer the luscious young thing they married. And if we took the stance that our partner has to be what turns us on, most marriages would not last past middle age.

My two cents are that part of the issue with weight loss is that it tends to occur too suddenly. They diet, hey presto, within months they're much thinner. Our lovers' bodies are meant to change gradually, over time, and this gradual quality gives us lots and lots of time to adjust, such that, indeed, we barely notice the changes. That, I suspect, is how we can continue to find our partners attractive over many years despite the aging process. But with a sudden weight loss (or, in the non-FA world, a sudden weight gain), it's much harder to adjust. Or so I'd guess.

And incidentally, on the whole 'need/want' thing, of course we do not NEED sex. It is a strong drive and in that sense much more potent than, say, my 'desire' for a pint of beer or to watch the ball game. But millions of people have lived fulfilling lives without it. Abstinence is a real option, albeit a tough one.


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## SvenskFA (Oct 5, 2015)

Since I have got so many good advice I thought it would be fair to update you on how things have gone. I am happy to say that my wife and I have got our sex life going again. We have solved the problem with role play. She fakes disliking her new thinner body and says she wants to gain back 45 lbs. That gets me going. I am not a feeder but I find it sexy with weight gain so this makes things work.

I am very happy that we could solve our crisis. I will always miss her bigger body but over all things are better like they are now. Finally I once again want to thank all of you who took the time to give me advice on this matter. It was very much apreciated.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Oct 5, 2015)

Congrats!!!


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2017)

In my view, when a girl or woman expresses a sincere desire to be thin, that's a warning sign. This is because only two things can result from it. Either she'll be thin one day, or else she'll fail and be unhappy. In either case, I can't be happy about the results.

That said, at least with the former outcome, *one of us* can be happy, so I tend to just wish her the best. If the person was my wife, I would be inconsolable, because my only way out would be through fiction, but I would at least want her to know what my problem was, so that we could deal with it together. You never know. There might be other solutions if you both put your heads together.


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## landshark (Jan 29, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> In my view, when a girl or woman expresses a sincere desire to be thin, that's a warning sign. This is because only two things can result from it. Either she'll be thin one day, or else she'll fail and be unhappy. In either case, I can't be happy about the results.
> 
> That said, at least with the former outcome, *one of us* can be happy, so I tend to just wish her the best. If the person was my wife, I would be inconsolable, because my only way out would be through fiction, but I would at least want her to know what my problem was, so that we could deal with it together. You never know. There might be other solutions if you both put your heads together.



I think you'd be surprised what you're capable of when you love someone. A few years ago my wife thinned down, shedding roughly 1/3 of her highest weight total. At points along the way she had expressed concern that I'd lose interest in her but I was legitimately happy because I saw how happy she was. She grew confident and assertive, something I find very appealing in her. I was rooting for her to keep going until she reached whatever goals she had set for herself. Unfortunately for her she got really sick at one point and all progress stopped. Then she held steady for a few months at a level a little higher than the weight she'd reached before she got sick. Now it's all back plus some extra. Over the holidays she informed me she was heavier than ever before. As much as I love what I have, beam with pride when we're in public together, enjoy what we have in our marriage, etc, I know she is unhappy and will again try to thin out. And when she's ready to get serious and do it, I'll be in her corner once again.

PS: The assertiveness she gained when she lost weight didn't go away with her subsequent regaining of weight, and with that a great degree of confidence, not so much in her body but in her position in our marriage. She doesn't order me around or keep me on a short leash; in fact she is incredibly pleasant and fun to be with. But she's definitely in charge and knows it. :smitten: I love strong women so this is good news for me!


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## TwoSwords (Jan 29, 2017)

happily_married said:


> I think you'd be surprised what you're capable of when you love someone. A few years ago my wife thinned down, shedding roughly 1/3 of her highest weight total. At points along the way she had expressed concern that I'd lose interest in her but I was legitimately happy because I saw how happy she was. She grew confident and assertive, something I find very appealing in her. I was rooting for her to keep going until she reached whatever goals she had set for herself. Unfortunately for her she got really sick at one point and all progress stopped. Then she held steady for a few months at a level a little higher than the weight she'd reached before she got sick. Now it's all back plus some extra. Over the holidays she informed me she was heavier than ever before. As much as I love what I have, beam with pride when we're in public together, enjoy what we have in our marriage, etc, I know she is unhappy and will again try to thin out. And when she's ready to get serious and do it, I'll be in her corner once again.
> 
> PS: The assertiveness she gained when she lost weight didn't go away with her subsequent regaining of weight, and with that a great degree of confidence, not so much in her body but in her position in our marriage. She doesn't order me around or keep me on a short leash; in fact she is incredibly pleasant and fun to be with. But she's definitely in charge and knows it. :smitten: I love strong women so this is good news for me!



I'm very happy that things worked out well for you, but I'm sorry. I just don't think it would be that easy for me. An experience like this would be an emotional roller coaster, where at times, I would be (1) glad she was happy, but at the same time, (2) shying away due to feeling uncomfortable around her. I have never in my life been able to completely overcome my reserved and reclusive impulses around thinner people, no matter how much I loved them or cared about them. Even with my closest relatives, like my brothers and my parents, while I may feel comfortable talking to them, I never come away from the experience thinking it was easy, or that I'm glad I spent the time talking to them. On the other hand, my project and department supervisors at work, both of whom are heavier than me, I feel like I can talk to them freely about everything that's going on in my life, and I never feel worse when I'm done, even when one of them really gets on my case for missing something I should have caught.

Emotions are weird, uncontrollable beasts.

P.S.: In a way, I envy you. From the sounds of things, your emotional stimulii/response set is malleable, and can change based on circumstances, and mine never has.


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## landshark (Jan 29, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> P.S.: In a way, I envy you. From the sounds of things, your emotional stimulii/response set is malleable, and can change based on circumstances, and mine never has.



It's quite simple for me: I value the person above a given height and weight. Sure, I have a preference for height and weight like anyone else but I don't define my wife by these numbers. There's a complete person there just under her skin!


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## Tad (Jan 30, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> In my view, when a girl or woman expresses a sincere desire to be thin, that's a warning sign. This is because only two things can result from it. Either she'll be thin one day, or else she'll fail and be unhappy. In either case, I can't be happy about the results.





TwoSwords said:


> I'm very happy that things worked out well for you, but I'm sorry. I just don't think it would be that easy for me. An experience like this would be an emotional roller coaster, where at times, I would be (1) glad she was happy, but at the same time, (2) shying away due to feeling uncomfortable around her.



It reads like you are veering back and forth a bit between thinking 'this is how it must be' and 'this is how it has always been for me, and I don't see it changing.' That second one is totally valid as a feeling (although I think you may not give yourself enough credit on being able to change, even people who feel very unchangeable tend to change over time from an outsider's perspective), but as HappilyMarried demonstrated, it is far from a universal rule that there are only those two outcomes.

Aside from what HM narrated (and that regain is obviously a pretty common occurrence), there have been quite a few examples on these boards over the years of women who have dieted hard to get much thinner than they were, then realized how the effort to be thin was just all consuming, that the only way they could be thin was by almost torturing themselves -- and then resolved to come to terms with their body. Some came to love their softer selves, others just work towards acceptance. There have also been cases where the desire to be thinner waned over time with an FA partner -- not that they wouldn't mind being thinner, but they come to appreciate that their life is pretty good and don't have such a strong desire to disrupt it. And yet again, some lose weight, realize that it doesn't fix everything in their life, and fall out of love with the ideal of being thin. And yet more, some lose weight, gain confidence in knowing that they can do it, and then don't feel so bad about being bigger.

Are those the majority of cases? I don't think so. But have seen examples of all of those here over the years. 

Basically I think things are not as black and white as you have perceived them to be. Now, if you are more comfortable with the black and white, and dealing with life on those terms makes things better for you, I'll back off. But if you want try and see things in a way that opens up more options, I'm willing to keep talking on the topic.


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## socrates74 (Jan 30, 2017)

I can _empathize_ by your loss of sexual chemistry. This is often a relationship killer. Love won't be enough. What do you want _realistically_ for your future?
I have had a partner lose weight but it didn't slow my desire. Good luck but don't deceive yourself or her.


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## Tad (Jan 30, 2017)

socrates74 said:


> I can _empathize_ by your loss of sexual chemistry. This is often a relationship killer. Love won't be enough. What do you want _realistically_ for your future?
> I have had a partner lose weight but it didn't slow my desire. Good luck but don't deceive yourself or her.



Erm, I don't think that you can know what will and won't be enough in anyone else's relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be with you or your partner(s), but people vary tremendously.


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## socrates74 (Jan 30, 2017)

Tad said:


> Erm, I don't think that you can know what will and won't be enough in anyone else's relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be with you or your partner(s), but people vary tremendously.


They will obviously decide. Sexual chemistry needs to exist _in some form_ to distinguish your relationship from a friendship.Though painful, when your in love with someone you are not sexual attracted to - at least for anyone who wants to include sexuality ( He has told us, he has), how can it be healthy? 
How ignoring your lack of sexual attraction for a partner can destroy a relationship: You will make yourself prone to sexual infidelity. You will hurt your partner by constant rejecting her (unless,of course, she becomes not attracted to you, either). You will miss the opportunity to bond in a way in which you do not bond with anyone else. It becomes a compatibility time bomb.
That is 'playing the odds' versus the exceptions.


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## Tad (Jan 30, 2017)

Sure "the odds are" or "for most people in your situation" or something like that, I'll agree with that. I don't know your intent, but the way you wrote it, it was rather like you had calculated a formula and were informing him that the planned payment scheme would not cover the principle in four years time. People are rather notorious for not being so easy to predict. 

Basically: I'd consider it more respectful not to tell people what WILL happen with them, but to find ways to express your ideas and concerns in a way that communicates your point, but leaves room for human free will and the fact that you have incomplete information about the situation.


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## bigmac (Jan 31, 2017)

Its interesting that most of this thread has concentrated on the guy's sexual attraction to his wife. Another possibility is that a now thin wife will decide that she's not really attracted to her husband and feel that she's now in a position to get someone better.


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## TwoSwords (Jan 31, 2017)

happily_married said:


> It's quite simple for me: I value the person above a given height and weight. Sure, I have a preference for height and weight like anyone else but I don't define my wife by these numbers. There's a complete person there just under her skin!



Umm... I'm afraid I must not have expressed this well enough. See, I value deeper qualities too (ethics, abilities, commitments, etc,)... on a non-emotional level. Yes, I recognize, consciously, the hierarchy of what traits are most important for a person to have, but it never has any effect on my *emotional state* at all. That was what I meant when I said that my feelings weren't malleable in that sense.


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## TwoSwords (Jan 31, 2017)

Tad said:


> It reads like you are veering back and forth a bit between thinking 'this is how it must be' and 'this is how it has always been for me, and I don't see it changing.' That second one is totally valid as a feeling (although I think you may not give yourself enough credit on being able to change, even people who feel very unchangeable tend to change over time from an outsider's perspective), but as HappilyMarried demonstrated, it is far from a universal rule that there are only those two outcomes.



Maybe you're right. Maybe there are other possible outcomes. But I can't change what feelings I have; only what feelings I express. Even then, there are times when I feel so strongly, that I'm afraid I'll explode if I don't express it... which is why I'm here.



Tad said:


> Aside from what HM narrated (and that regain is obviously a pretty common occurrence), there have been quite a few examples on these boards over the years of women who have dieted hard to get much thinner than they were, then realized how the effort to be thin was just all consuming, that the only way they could be thin was by almost torturing themselves -- and then resolved to come to terms with their body.



I guess I just haven't been reading the right testimonies over the course of my life.



Tad said:


> Are those the majority of cases? I don't think so. But have seen examples of all of those here over the years.



I've only just joined the board, so the only examples I've seen have come from my own life. Am I being too negative based on incomplete information? Maybe.



Tad said:


> Basically I think things are not as black and white as you have perceived them to be. Now, if you are more comfortable with the black and white, and dealing with life on those terms makes things better for you, I'll back off. But if you want try and see things in a way that opens up more options, I'm willing to keep talking on the topic.



I can only make the best judgments I can, based on where the evidence points, to arrive at the most reasonable conclusions. My experiences have taught me to expect just what I said.


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## landshark (Jan 31, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> Umm... I'm afraid I must not have expressed this well enough. See, I value deeper qualities too (ethics, abilities, commitments, etc,)... on a non-emotional level. Yes, I recognize, consciously, the hierarchy of what traits are most important for a person to have, but it never has any effect on my *emotional state* at all. That was what I meant when I said that my feelings weren't malleable in that sense.



Certainly. I wasn't accusing you of not valuing those things. But notice my use of the words "for me" in my explanation. I'm simply sharing with you how I'm able to rationalize and adjust when my wife's physical characteristics change.


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## ashblonde (Jan 31, 2017)

bigmac said:


> Its interesting that most of this thread has concentrated on the guy's sexual attraction to his wife. Another possibility is that a now thin wife will decide that she's not really attracted to her husband and feel that she's now in a position to get someone better.



Re: the 'fat person loses weight and now can do better than an (F)FA' line of thinking. This is cringy to me in that it implies fat people lack relationship agency while fat, but will somehow be free to achieve relationship Nirvana with a non-FA when they get thinner. And the coup de grace? Non-FAs are essentially 'someone better.' That's probably not what you're *really* saying, but the words did strike me as a bit ick. 

FWIW on the general topic, I'd never dump my man over weight loss, our vows way transcended that and I'd be a fool to lose him over it (despite the fact that I can admit honestly to myself that would be sexually devastated if he were suddenly straight up thin). Fortunately he is smart enough not to diet because he already learned that yo-yo-ing would only make him fatter. He also knows he's free to eat wtf-ever or exercise when-tf-ever he wants as well - because he's his own man. And its that last part that is MOST attractive.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 1, 2017)

happily_married said:


> Certainly. I wasn't accusing you of not valuing those things. But notice my use of the words "for me" in my explanation. I'm simply sharing with you how I'm able to rationalize and adjust when my wife's physical characteristics change.



I would probably have the very same rational reasons for being accepting of a change, it just wouldn't make much difference emotionally. My point was just that if your feelings change on the basis of a good reason...

...Well, in that case, you're most fortunate.


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## TwoSwords (Feb 1, 2017)

ashblonde said:


> And the coup de grace? Non-FAs are essentially 'someone better.' That's probably not what you're *really* saying, but the words did strike me as a bit ick.



It is definitely icky, and horrible to think that anyone would think like that. Still, I have to admit that I have definitely been treated as less of a person because of my feelings about fatness, so as horrible as it might be, (and a bit unlikely, in cases where a relationship has lasted a while,) it's not as alien a fear as we might like to think.


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## Tad (Feb 1, 2017)

There are certainly many people in relationships that are not great, in any number of ways and sometimes a change in another part of can lead people to decide to make a change there too. And some people are very status driven and feel they should have the highest status partner they can. And more ... not everyone who loses weight would ditch their partner, but there are lots of possible reasons that one would.

ETA: Back in pre Web days I scoured the public library for anything fat related, which led me to reading "Fat is a Feminist Issue". It had no mention of FA, but said that some husbands would want their wives to be fat to reduce the chance that other men would try to win her affections. As an FA I found that offensive, but presuming that it is true in some cases, if fat was being used as a control mechanism that would surely fall into the " not great relationship" category and I could totally imagine someone leaving after losing the weight.


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## agouderia (Feb 1, 2017)

The discussion in this thread imo shows the necessity to differentiate between relationships and what I would like to call arrangements.

Relationships are based on mutual love, respect and the acceptance of the partner as a complete and autonomous persona.

Arrangements are two people who are together because they feel they need to be part of a couple, even if the person or constellation for them is not (or even far from) their envisioned ideal. It's some sort of compromise.

Many of these "arrangements" I meet IRL baffle me, given that there no longer is the social, economic and sometimes even legal necessity and pressure to be in a - at best legalized - couple status. Still, I know enough women who make more compromises to have a man at their side than they would be willing to for almost anything else in life. 
I've seen it with men too, though am empirically not as well versed because these mostly are things you open up about to friends of your own gender.

Such a compromise package for establishing an arrangement consists of a number of elements - size possibly being one of them. And if the elements that held together the package change radically, well then the entire thing is likely to disintegrate. Meaning the reasons for the couple arrangement are no longer all in place and it comes to an end.

Maybe a slightly cynical view of things -but from something that truly is a relationship, the "for better or worse" does apply.


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## bigmac (Feb 1, 2017)

ashblonde said:


> Re: the 'fat person loses weight and now can do better than an (F)FA' line of thinking. This is cringy to me in that it implies fat people lack relationship agency while fat, *but will somehow be free to achieve relationship Nirvana with a non-FA when they get thinner.* And the coup de grace? *Non-FAs are essentially 'someone better.'* That's probably not what you're *really* saying, but the words did strike me as a bit ick.
> 
> ...



Unfortunately this has indeed been my experience.


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## Fat Molly (Feb 2, 2017)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> Men are inherently sexual - but many women's libidos are almost as high as mens. If I had my way, I would be having sex every god damn day (sometimes multiple) with my husband, and it does create feelings of frustration and sometimes hurt that his drive isn't as high as mine. So lets not say that sexual instinct or needs are male based only. His wife may be crawling up his leg to have sex now that she is feeling slim and sexy - he may just not be in a position to reciprocate.
> ...
> 
> I personally do not believe in open marriages. To me, you are either with that person solely, or you are dating. And it is almost always seems to be proposed by men.



aw Xyanthaaaaaaaaaaa whyyyyyyyyy please don't say things like this, we agree on so much.... including sex drive!!!!!!! both my boyfriends are unable to completely satisfy my lust. 

as someone who's heavily involved in open communities I have so much evidence that open relationships are not almost always proposed by men. i myself am in position of trying to keep my relationship with my two bfs when both of them would somewhat prefer i be monogamous with them. having more than one partner eases the burden on me for a lot of things considerably, and having more than one 'man in the house' makes a lot of things easier. some things tougher but a lot of things easier.


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## Fat Molly (Feb 2, 2017)

from my px, on the original topic... my SSBHM boyfriend? i really am looking forward to his achieving his goal of losing weight. i think i'll post the rest of what i wanted to say on this topic in something like the health and fitness board or something.


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