# Rock and a Hard place



## Coolen35 (Feb 14, 2020)

Long story short I am married 35yr old man. I am with out a doubt an FA and feeder who is attracted to really big women. However my wife is def not into it nor does she even like being chubby. It’s to the point where it’s hard for me to perform sexually. I have a young son and love him to death and I love my wife. However I’m torn bc I realized I need to be with a very large woman to truly be happy. But i don’t want to hurt my wife and destroy my family over it. But at this point I’m so frustrated I don’t know what to do.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Feb 15, 2020)

What to do: put your wife and child first. As a husband and father, you have the responsibility of making whatever sacrifice you must to insure their well-being and happiness. If you are unfulfilled, it's unfortunate, but it is also a gift you can offer up to those you love most.


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## Broseph (Mar 2, 2020)

I relate to the struggle. I’m not a father but am in a similar situation with my girlfriend. Unfortunately—no easy answer here. Dig around on Dims and you’ll find a lot of posts that deal with this. Maybe you’ll find a solution there or something new you hadn’t thought of.


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## BigElectricKat (Apr 1, 2020)

There are a few things in play here as I see it (and forgive my opinions).

Far be it from me to tell anybody not to seek their happiness. Life is too short (especially these days) for one to spend their days in an unhappy or unfulfilling situation. But at what cost?
It sounds like your fantasies are becoming fetish. Sounds like you are starting to need these FA/Feeder concepts to perform sexually. While I can honestly say I don't really know what that's like, I imagine it must be difficult to explain to your spouse. But fantasy is fantasy for a reason: you can conjure it in your mind anytime you like. There is a lot more to the reality of being with a BBW/SSBBW/USBBW than just the sexuality of it. You don't often hear of the troubles couples who engage in that lifestyle have and toll it takes on the relationships that are centered around it. Maybe you stick with the fantasy and just incorporate the imagery for a while before making that leap. You really need to know what you'd be getting into.
To @Dr. Feelgood's point: When you make the commitment to marriage and certainly to having a child together, you have to make sacrifices. Sometimes you have to "take one for the team" in order to facilitate the desired outcomes for others. As a man who grew up without a father, without a father figure, and without a good example of what a healthy, loving relationship looks like, I can attest to the importance of you ensuring the integrity of your familial environment and finding ways to be happy with what you have. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the hill.
Best of luck to you.


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## extra_m13 (Apr 7, 2020)

a big factor may be... aside from that, how is the relationship with your wife ? the day to day conversations, life goals, beyonde the fetish ?


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## op user (Apr 8, 2020)

Also, how did you decide to marry a girl so far away from your preferences?


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## Blockierer (Apr 11, 2020)

Coolen35 said:


> Long story short I am married 35yr old man. I am with out a doubt an FA and feeder who is attracted to really big women. However my wife is def not into it nor does she even like being chubby. It’s to the point where it’s hard for me to perform sexually. I have a young son and love him to death and I love my wife. However I’m torn bc I realized I need to be with a very large woman to truly be happy. But i don’t want to hurt my wife and destroy my family over it. But at this point I’m so frustrated I don’t know what to do.


I think a lot of men are in the same situation like you. They are married to a slim wife but have the desire for a fat woman. For lots of them their desire is only a fantasy and they would never want to live openly with a fat woman. The reason could be peer pressure or just the fact they fell in love with a slim women. Character counts more than physical attraction. 
Is it really worth to cheat your wife or leave your family to fulfill your fat fantasies?


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## op user (Apr 11, 2020)

My question remains unanswered: how do you start a relation with a woman you don't fancy body-wise? It is so obvious to see her body space and decide if you like her shape and proceed or you don't like it and you parted ways amicably. This is out of respect to the other person. Even if you pretend you like her despite being normal /slim, soon your frustration would put an unwelcome and unnecessary in the relation. OK I admit to have dated girls who didn't like coffee or one who didn't like getting on aircraft but they didn't last long - the relationships not the girls obviously.

If you are an FA date a large girl (you like character wise), marry her, respect her and not whine she is fatter than when you married her or let another FA to make her happy.

I am not sure if it is a bit harsher than I should but it frustrates to see women disappointed into a wedding they feel no longer appreciated and guys not appreciating their wifes.


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## Jaycee (Apr 17, 2020)

I can relate to this from a FFA perspective. I do know my husband's and mine is having any sort of troubles in our relationship the first thing I get upset on is him not being bigger, and fulfilling my needs sexually. To where I don't want to enjoy having sex. After we work out the actual issue it's not as upsetting, he's not fulfilling my sexual needs. 

He is still a BHM (barely though in my opinion), enjoys eating and stuffing himself so that does help, at the same time he's a diabetic and will most likely never be as big as I would personally like. And it does suck that I don't feel like he meets my needs sexually, or that sometimes I need to picture a fantasy while we're having sex. 

Personally for me I would not throw our marriage away to be sexually fulfilled elsewhere, being I do really love him(imperfections and all that sometimes make marriage hard) and I always hope to try to be a good marriage for our son to see.


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## Corey (Apr 17, 2020)

Jaycee said:


> I can relate to this from a FFA perspective. I do know my husband's and mine is having any sort of troubles in our relationship the first thing I get upset on is him not being bigger, and fulfilling my needs sexually. To where I don't want to enjoy having sex. After we work out the actual issue it's not as upsetting, he's not fulfilling my sexual needs.
> 
> He is still a BHM (barely though in my opinion), enjoys eating and stuffing himself so that does help, at the same time he's a diabetic and will most likely never be as big as I would personally like. And it does suck that I don't feel like he meets my needs sexually, or that sometimes I need to picture a fantasy while we're having sex.
> 
> Personally for me I would not throw our marriage away to be sexually fulfilled elsewhere, being I do really love him(imperfections and all that sometimes make marriage hard) and I always hope to try to be a good marriage for our son to see.



I think a shift of perspective will help your problems. I’m curious to know...(And I hope you don’t think I’m being rude. I just hope to show you things that maybe you haven’t thought about. We all have trouble seeing different perspectives when it’s over things we’re very passionate about...especially a fetish)

1.) Why are you getting upset at your husband for something he cannot control? He has diabetes, and you said yourself that he will most likely never be as big as you would personally like. I couldn’t understand your wording, so correct me if I misinterpreted it, but are you saying that your husbands size is the number one reason you two have problems in your marriage? 

2.) You _can _enjoy sex, but when you place so many stipulations on your sexual happiness, I can see why you haven’t been enjoying it. There is nothing wrong with envisioning a fantasy while you’re having sex with your husband. I do the same thing, and I am very pleased with my sex life and with my husband. I don’t envision other men, but sometimes a mood will strike me and I’d rather fantasize about something else while my husband’s doing all the work. Bless him. So, try and tap into your imagination. Touch yourself and practice what type of things you personally like, and then _gently_ tell your husband how you like it. Even the best of men need direction.

I read somewhere that you are young (I think 21?) and let me tell you, your sex life has just begun. It changes over time. It can and will get better over time if you change perspective, lower your requirements to be happy and tap into some stellar visuals inside of your head.

I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years (together for 10) and it took me over a year AFTER marriage to be completely honest about what I specifically liked. And trust me, he was more than okay with the directions. Most men just want to please their woman, and when they know they're succeeding, then they are good to go. A lot of the time, if a man knows he’s not doing something right or meeting your needs sexually, then he can’t perform or get the enjoyment he needs either. It sucks for men, because while us women have a way to fake it, the men don’t. 

So, you’ve said that your husband is not meeting your needs attraction-wise and that he’s not meeting your needs sexually...unless he becomes much fatter. That’s a tough pill for a guy (or anyone) to swallow. It would really bother me if my husband told me I wasn’t attractive enough or meeting his needs sexually.  You’re setting him up for failure by requiring him to get fatter in order for your needs to be met. With that logic, you will never have them met. The only thing to do now is to work through your expectations and to bring them down to a more common ground. I am so glad that you genuinely love your husband regardless of everything. And I want to point out again that I am in no way trying to bring you down or stir the pot with you. I think you are wonderful! Just keep in mind that there comes a point when FFA reaches over into the feeder area, and sometimes even a pushy/demanding area. You never stated that you’re a feeder, so that’s why I pointed it out. ❤


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## Shh! Don’t tell! (Apr 17, 2020)

Jaycee said:


> I can relate to this from a FFA perspective. I do know my husband's and mine is having any sort of troubles in our relationship the first thing I get upset on is him not being bigger, and fulfilling my needs sexually. To where I don't want to enjoy having sex. After we work out the actual issue it's not as upsetting, he's not fulfilling my sexual needs.
> 
> He is still a BHM (barely though in my opinion), enjoys eating and stuffing himself so that does help, at the same time he's a diabetic and will most likely never be as big as I would personally like. And it does suck that I don't feel like he meets my needs sexually, or that sometimes I need to picture a fantasy while we're having sex.
> 
> Personally for me I would not throw our marriage away to be sexually fulfilled elsewhere, being I do really love him(imperfections and all that sometimes make marriage hard) and I always hope to try to be a good marriage for our son to see.



That’s a hard situation. I don’t have good advice, but it does remind me of when I was a teenager and hooking up with this skinny guy because I didn’t understand my own preferences yet. It was the most boring thing in the world. My heart was just was not in the game. The tv was on and I was just watching Adventure Time over his shoulder the whole time because that was more interesting to me.

I wasn’t in a serious relationship with him, though, so it’s a very different situation from yours. Maybe my feelings would have been more complicated if I had feelings for him.


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## Jaycee (Apr 17, 2020)

Corey said:


> I think a shift of perspective will help your problems. I’m curious to know...(And I hope you don’t think I’m being rude. I just hope to show you things that maybe you haven’t thought about. We all have trouble seeing different perspectives when it’s over things we’re very passionate about...especially a fetish)
> 
> 1.) Why are you getting upset at your husband for something he cannot control? He has diabetes, and you said yourself that he will most likely never be as big as you would personally like. I couldn’t understand your wording, so correct me if I misinterpreted it, but are you saying that your husbands size is the number one reason you two have problems in your marriage?
> 
> ...




Thank you for the different for perspective. I definitely don't think your words were a put or stirring the pot in any means  Sorry that my wording wasn't the best  

It's never his weight, or diabetes, or anything of that nature that are not the "root" of my lack of attraction towards him at times. My therapist pointed out that for some people when they have relationship problems the frustration/angers comes as out as not finding your partner attractive and physical intimacy troubles whenever you have any kind of emotional relationship struggles. Which thanks to her insight on that I have realized this is true for me. If we're having marital troubles (lack of communication, miscommunication, financial, family struggles, etc.) that causes a lack of emotional intimacy in our marriage, and that results in a my thoughts of not finding attractive or that he doesn't satisfy me sexually. When we aren't having a rough patch in our marriage, and everything is good our sex life is good too, because we have both the emotional and physical intimacy back. If that makes any sense?  

I do enjoy sex it for the most part. It's good not great but it can be good and enoyable when I'm not mad at my husband and have the troubles that come with emotional struggles. I like the fantasy imagery at times even though I feel guilty as all get out about it after the fact. 

How well did telling your husband what you like go? I tried to tell him gently twice, just hinting at what I like but the first time (dating 6 months) he told I was weird and the other time he completely ignored and acted like I never said anything that was a year ago. After those reactions I've made no mention of what I like sexually because of how he reacted. I really struggle with communicating what I like to him in I don't think him being very vanilla helps much either. Sadly for him I've never been able fake it maybe I should try..? 

Yes I'm 21. Yes still pretty young. We've already had some changes to our sex life over the almost 4 years we've been together, (married going to be 2 years) so I know it can change.

I would NEVER tell him I don't find him attractive that would just be me being hurtful an a** to a person I love and care about. I just try to my best to still have sex and make it the most enjoyable when we have a rough patch.

I would say I'm a FFA with a feeder tendencies. I only find fat men attractive, and while I do find weight gain attractive it's not a must by any means. I definitely do enjoy and get turned when he's eating something really enjoys, stuffs himself (all his own doing I've never once encouraged or nothing, he just really likes food), or gets the munchies. I know the feeder side of things can get pushy and demanding so I'm glad that is not a needed thing for me.


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## Corey (Apr 18, 2020)

Jaycee said:


> Thank you for the different for perspective. I definitely don't think your words were a put or stirring the pot in any means  Sorry that my wording wasn't the best
> 
> It's never his weight, or diabetes, or anything of that nature that are not the "root" of my lack of attraction towards him at times. My therapist pointed out that for some people when they have relationship problems the frustration/angers comes as out as not finding your partner attractive and physical intimacy troubles whenever you have any kind of emotional relationship struggles. Which thanks to her insight on that I have realized this is true for me. If we're having marital troubles (lack of communication, miscommunication, financial, family struggles, etc.) that causes a lack of emotional intimacy in our marriage, and that results in a my thoughts of not finding attractive or that he doesn't satisfy me sexually. When we aren't having a rough patch in our marriage, and everything is good our sex life is good too, because we have both the emotional and physical intimacy back. If that makes any sense?
> 
> ...



I understand what you’re saying now, and good on you for being in therapy. What you said about not enjoying sex during your marital struggles is very normal and makes more sense now that you explained it again. Thank you for clearing it up, and also, thanks for being so transparent. 

When I told my husband what I liked, or how I wanted something done, he was thankful for it. There was one thing in particular that took me reminding him every few months, but he eventually got it. Like I said, most men want to know how their partners like to be pleased and feel relieved after being told so.

However, age and maturity are huge factors when it comes to receiving gentle direction in terms of sex and foreplay, and by your comments, I’m going to make the assumption that your husband is not aware of how important it is to LISTEN to the other person inside of the sexual relationship (going off of your comments about your husband being vanilla and also calling you weird/ignoring your preference all together).

If your husband is vanilla and judgmental because he was raised in a ‘clutch one’s pearls’ type of home, then you’ll need to be patient with him as he breaks out of the box he was raised in. It will take time, it will take communication, and it will take you gently reminding him (continually as needed) of how it’s okay to branch out to explore new things. Give grace when he forgets, and gently guide him with your body or hands when you need to.

Now, if your husband is vanilla and judgmental because of his refusal to acknowledge sex as being a two way street, then that is a whole different story. If that is the case, then get ready because I’m about to get wordy. You said you are afraid of communicating what you like because of your husband’s reaction to you after you spoke up about it. Let me tell you right now, him calling you weird during a vulnerable moment of you speaking up about your wants/likes during sex and intimacy is NOT OKAY and will never be okay. I’m going to accredit that behavior as him being a teenager when he said that. But, if he ever pulls that shit again, you let him know that it won’t be tolerated. Try, “Calling me weird during a vulnerable and honest moment is never okay. It’s damaging to our marriage in more ways than one. If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, then say so respectively, but I won’t tolerate you speaking down to me again.” You mentioned he ignored your other attempt at communicating your sexual needs, and I’m unsure if you meant he just flat out ignored you and pretended like you weren’t speaking, or if you meant he acknowledged your preference but ignored it and didn’t do what you requested the next time you two had sex. Because, if he ignored you in the moment, like acting as if you weren’t even speaking, then I’m going to hold my tongue and suggest that you speak about this type of behavior to your therapist.

Write down your thoughts and feelings and read over them until it registers with you that your feelings are valid and 100% worthy of being talked about between you and your husband. Sex completely aside, your feelings matter and your husband needs to know about them, okay? Feelings within a marriage are not meant to be suppressed. And remember, without communicating ones own feelings and thoughts, a marriage can not thrive. Think of your marriage in terms of a growing plant. It needs sunshine and water. Well, for your marriage to thrive, the both of you need to communicate your thoughts (rain) and feelings (sunshine), and the recipient needs to remain respectful, regardless of having a differing opinion. Do not beat around the bush and DO NOT hint about what you like. Tell him straight up.

All of this is easier said than done. I know it’s difficult for you to communicate, as you said, but please know that nothing magically gets better. It takes time and work and lots of hurt feelings in the process, but it’s well worth it. The more you practice voicing your desires and feelings, the easier it becomes.


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