# Peace Treaty With Myself



## Ample Pie (May 27, 2007)

_*Warning, this post deals with teen angst, hirsutism, the menstrual cycle, and a struggle with self acceptance.*_ 

This all starts because I love Northern Kentucky. I'm not really biased. It's true I was raised here, but I've lived all over and Northern Kentucky isn't even my favorite place to live. It is beautiful, though. We have one of the most beautiful skys. A Kentucky sky is sky blue straight out of a crayola box early in the day and a deepening shade of cobalt as night approaches. By 4 o'clock in the morning, the sky is grey, the moon is bright, and you can make out the vast hills that ring the area. 

I was driving home from work at 4 the other morning witnessing just such a scene. There was a hint of fog at the distant bases of the hills; it was softening but not obscuring the view. I had my windows down and my radio up. The music was good and the air was coolish and scented with honeysuckle. What I most wanted was to feel the soft wind on my shoulders, but I really couldn't. It's been decades since I've worn a sleeveless shirt and nearly as long since I've worn a shirt without a collar. I couldn't resist the temperate air, though, so I popped my arms out of my sleeves and up through the neckband of my shirt. The sweet night air felt amazing on my shoulders and I wondered why I didn't go sleeveless more often, why I felt I couldn't. 

What I realized is that it's because I'm in a constant state of warfare with my body and, as such, even on _good days_ when my confidence is through the roof, I never feel completely as ease. _Warfare_ may seem like an overly strong word, but that's how it feels. I'm about to confess to some things I've never told anyone but my doctor (who, incidentally, said she couldn't help me). I realize that I'm not the first with these issues. I'm not even the first to talk about them here--nothing is new, except that for the first time I'm coming clean. 

My guess is that I have PCOS. I say "guess" because my doctor acknowledged the symptoms, said it probably was PCOS, but wouldn't make an official diagnosis, and told me to consider WLS. I told her I wouldn't ever be able to afford WLS anyway, but that I wasn't sure it was for me. I also told her I'd be willing to try whatever else she could suggest to help with the whole situation. She told me to get insurance and she could then make a dozen referrals. That was it. That was the most she was willing to do for me. That was 5 years ago. 

When I was 11, my mother used to get really mad at me because she thought I wasn't washing the back of my neck. It always looked dirty, no matter what I did. One night, I used the bathroom scouring pad and Comet on my neck trying, once and for all, to get it clean. I didn't know then, and didn't even know until this past year, that darkened skin around the neck, armpits, etc is a symptom of PCOS. Mom didn't know either, obviously. After scrubbing my neck, I was bleeding, but I wasn't any cleaner. From that moment on, I wore collared shirts. I have spent the rest of my life feeling dirty and unclean. Whenever anyone touches my neck, I yelp and jump. It makes me want to run away. 

Around 14, I started getting the excess hair that's often associated with PCOS. I felt like God hated me. I was already fat and dirty and now I was a gorilla, too. When other girls that age were at the mall, I spent my time at home--hiding or shaving my whole body trying to be what I was supposed to be and always ALWAYS failing. To say I felt isolated and ashamed would be an understatement, and at 14, who can you go to about these things--when you're sure your body is going insane anyway and you've no idea who you are? It was around this time that I made my first suicide attempt. 

I'd gotten my period at age 12, but I didn't get it every month. This seemed more like a blessing to me then, because having a period is a pain in the butt and I had no idea what it could mean that I was missing periods--other than pregnancy, which I knew was not possible. My periods went on this way for quite some time, until, I'd say, I was about 26. At this point, I was still not having a period every month, but when I did have a period it would last ALL month long. I would pass blood clots the size of my fist. I would bleed so much that I would blister at the meeting of my legs from wetness and the rubbing of an ever present pad. It didn't matter what I did or tried to fix this--and I did try. 

Some days, I wouldn't even be able to stand up because so much blood would rush out of me, that no pad or tampon could have held it. I've ruined more towels than can be imagined. During a period, I have to shampoo my carpet every day--and often with painful blisters that make it hard for me to walk or stand at all. There have been times at work, back when I worked retail, that I'd be helping a customer and suddenly a rush of blood would pour from me, down my legs, and onto the floor. 

Of course I know all of this is irregular and even dangerous. When it started happening is when I went to my doctor about it the first time and got the wonderful "get insurance and I'll give you referrals" response. I have been to doctors since. One put me on birth control pills, but when I came back a year later for a new prescription, she refused to renew it. She told me to start eating more vegetables, telling me "I know we don't like them but we have to eat them." and smiling sappily at me as though I were a petulant child. Most recently, a doctor gave me Provera, but only enough for one day--to curb that particular session of heavy bleeding but offered no other help. He just said, "This will help." when I asked him questions and he got mad at me for bleeding on his floor (which was tile and which I cleaned--crying the whole time because every move threatened to cause me to bleed more and make a bigger mess.). 

And now--now I'm getting the acne associated with PCOS. I get it all over but I find it's mostly on my face and back and chest. The acne and the extra hair I have on my face work together to make my skin irritated and extremely rough to the touch. So now, I can't even stand to be touched on the face, even kissed on the cheek. This makes me feel so much uglier than I already have my whole life. I feel like I'll never be womanly or feminine. I feel like whatever I've done, I wish I could fix, because this all seems like a punishment. I know it isn't the end of the world and it certainly isn't the biggest problem out there, but it affects me and my mindset everyday. 

I wake up, I make sure I haven't bled on my sheets, or if I have I pre-treat them and put them in the wash. I make sure I'm going to be standing on a towel when I stand so that I don't ruin the carpet. When I get the bleeding in hand, I go to take a shower where I scour my neck so that maybe it'll be clean. And then scrub my face with St. Ives face wash trying to slough off the dead rough skin. Then I shave--if I have time, I'll shave everything. Most days, I only shave my chin and neck--trying for some kind of normality. When I finish my shower, I dry off, put on a pad if necessary and get dressed. I wear collars so no one can see my neck--the back or the front. I wear sleeves to hide the acne I have on my shoulders and, I suppose though I've never thought about it, the flabbiness of my arms. 

It's like armor in a way, and it's so impossible to ever feel wholly okay in my own body when everyday feels like I'm fighting a war with it. It makes it so hard to face people, to face myself, to be as confident and comfortable as I'd like. In the last few years, I've dealt with my feelings on being fat and it doesn't bother me anymore, but I still feel like a prisoner in my own body. I still feel unclean and untouchable and unworthy. I still feel like I'll always be alone--who in their right mind would put up with all of this bullshit and even if they would, how could I be selfish enough to ask them? I still feel unwomanly and unfeminine. I still deal every day with the fact that I'll never be a mother and will likely never be a wife. I'm liberated enough to know that whatever I am and become is okay and that such things as I have listed above don't necessarily define 'womanhood,' but knowing and feeling are not the same. In the end, I still feel like a failure, like a freak, like a monster. 

*no peace for the wicked* 

sometimes in the vastness of my mental jungle, 
i wonder if there's a monster trapped inside me, 
or if i'm the monster trapped inside-- 
all angled rough flesh and too much of it 
under a filthy shirt. 
Because when I dream, I have wings, 

but when I wake, I'm just some girl 
pinioned beneath soiled sheets 
and the same stagnant ceiling.​ 
Anyway, the drive home at 4 am the other day made me re-evaluate. It made me consider whether I wanted to miss beautiful things like the soft Kentucky wind on my shoulders and the possibility that I'm a woman all because I don't fit the typical definition. That made me remember that I never have. Most of my life, I've been considered odd. I've even revelled in it. I like being the exception to the rule. It just never occurred to me until yesterday that the same feelings were possible in this case. I will likely never be the woman that tradition tells me I should be--part of it will be because I'm fat, part of it will be because I'm too hairy, part of it will be because I can't have kids, part of it will be, as it always has been, because I love women and men equally. I have opened my arms and embraced so many of my oddities; I guess it's time I do the same to the rest, even if, at the moment, it feels more like losing than winning. 

I'm going to love myself instead of fight myself. I'm going to view what I do and have to do as ways that I'm working to make myself who I am and who I _want_ to be. I'm not going to deny myself sleeveless shirts or the wind on my shoulders or any damn thing else, not anymore. And I hope that one day, it will start to feel like winning and I won't hate myself anymore for things I cannot change. 

---
If I've posted this in the wrong forum, I am sorry.


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## Ruby Ripples (May 27, 2007)

I think what you are going to have to do first of all... Is see a doctor and once and for all get an official diagnosis. Im sure Missy (Big Cutie Violet) posted about womens clinics she goes to for her gynacological needs, and she says they are great. She doesn't have medical insurance either. Im also thinking she has PCOS. You can receive treatment for this condition and you can also find out about your fertility. You don't even know if you are fertile or not. You have somehow managed to slip through the net here, but you NEED to have a diagnosis and treatment. Don't continue with this emotional turmoil and such debilitating periods, when you don't have to. Make your next goal a diagnosis and treatment. You'll feel so much better that you'll be topless, never mind sleeveless.


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## xoxoshelby (May 27, 2007)

Wow...I feel like I'm reading about myself. I first noticed the dark skin around my neck in 6th grade, actually someone said something about it. That was the last time I ever wore my hair up. I can't wear shorts anymore because it is on my knees too. I think I was around 17 or 18 when the hair on my face started. It was slow at first, but now bad. I *think* I hide it well, but I still pull away when my boyfriend, or anyone, touches my face. After my first period at age 12, I never had a normal one. I think I had less than 10 between then and when I was started on BC pills at age 22. I was diagnosed by an endocronologist who I saw for a couple of years, but she always pushed WLS, every time I saw her. I always told her no and the reasons why, but it would be brought up again. Fed up with her, I found a new regular doctor, who I loved, and I asked her if she would monitor my PCOS and provide the prescriptions, which she does.
Have you seen an endo? I really think you need to get started on something to keep the symptoms in check.


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## Ample Pie (May 27, 2007)

I've never been to an endo, no, but I have been to doctor after doctor with no help. As yet, anyway.

But this post was more about how I'm handling the emotional part than the physical part.


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## Jane (May 27, 2007)

We understand that, but maybe helping the physical will help the emotional. 

Sometimes I'm amazed that any of us can walk out of the house after some of the crap we've had laid on us.


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## Ample Pie (May 27, 2007)

I understand that...it's just that, beyond seeing doctors and working to get a diagnosis and treatment, I have no control over the physical. I do have control over how I feel about all of it. I really and honestly didn't write this for sympathy, but as a way to make peace with myself and as a declaration of sorts. 

Per your suggestions, Jane, I have just gotten the information about local the planned parenthood. I've always feared that because I'm in another state (they're in cincinnati, ohio and I'm in northern kentucky), they wouldn't be able to help me. Planned parenthood in Kentucky is fairly far from me. Monday, I'll find out for sure. 

Whether they can help me or not, I just plan on not beating myself up anymore.


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## Jane (May 27, 2007)

Rebecca said:


> I understand that...it's just that, beyond seeing doctors and working to get a diagnosis and treatment, I have no control over the physical. I do have control over how I feel about all of it. I really and honestly didn't write this for sympathy, but as a way to make peace with myself and as a declaration of sorts.
> 
> Per your suggestions, Jane, I have just gotten the information about local the planned parenthood. I've always feared that because I'm in another state (they're in cincinnati, ohio and I'm in northern kentucky), they wouldn't be able to help me. Planned parenthood in Kentucky is fairly far from me. Monday, I'll find out for sure.
> 
> Whether they can help me or not, I just plan on not beating myself up anymore.



YAY for no more beating ourselves up!!!!!

If you have any problems with Planned Parenthood, let me know. I have a hissy fit just a brewing and need a target.


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## Miss Vickie (May 27, 2007)

Rebecca, I think I understand your point about the emotional, and how important it is to not deny yourself the beautiful things in life. I'm glad you've come to peace with your body, and that you're going to not be at war with yourself and enjoy life; emotional stuff is very closely tied to the physical, as we've discussed in other threads, and stress is no good for any of us. It makes me so sad that you have felt unworthy of touch, because you're not. You're not only worthy of but I think you deserve love, touch, and acceptance. I'm just so sad that you've been through such a hard time. 

Planned Parenthood to get some help is an excellent idea, even if all they can do is refer you to someone who maybe they know to be more helpful and accepting. Off the top of my head, since I dealt with much of the same stuff you did, you'll need to have some testing done, if it hasn't been done already. You should have an ultrasound, including a transvaginal (where they put a probe in your vagina, not nearly as bad as it sounds); you should have an endometrial biopsy to be sure you're not dealing with the Big C. Believe it or not, it took decades of bleeding like yours for someone to finally get around to doing a biopsy on me. It was negative, thank goodness, but it just shouldn't have taken so long. Then they can look at the hormonal issues at play. Is it PCOS? If so, then hormones may help, as well as other medications. What is your thyroid doing? Maybe you're hypothyroid, which can contribute to bleeding. Maybe you have fibroids? Maybe you have myoadenoma, which can cause heavy bleeding? They won't know until they do a complete round of testing, and to diagnose you otherwise without having those in hand is medical malpractice. Telling you to eat vegetables, while great advice, is total bullshit.

As far as treatment, you have options. Progesterone helps if your bleeding is caused by too much estrogen, but it has side effects; it worked great for me but it took three different kinds for them to find the sweet spot, and it can make some people pretty whacky. Birth control pills help too, but they're dangerous for us because of the clotting and stroke risk. Mirena IUD's also help, if you don't want to get pregnant any time soon, and don't seem to have the same systemic hormonal issues that progesterone has. 

What worked for me is an endometrial ablation. I'm done with having kids, but didn't want a complete hysterectomy. So they went in with radio waves and obliterated my endometrium. My bleeding decreased over time and now I'm not bleeding at all, over a year later. I still have all my functioning parts, which is good, but no more bleeding. It's awesome. I had heard all kinds of things like how it doesn't work well, etc. But for me it's been amazing and way less invasive than a hysterectomy.

But if you have PCOS, then you'll need proper treatment, and hopefully PP can refer you to an endo. PCOS is not just annoying but dangerous, because of the increased risk of diabetes and heart disease.

I really hope you can get the treatment you need and deserve, and in the meantime I'm glad you've come to some peace with your body. Please let us know how things are going with you, okay?


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## MisticalMisty (May 27, 2007)

Rebecca, I went thru everything you've mentioned in the last 2 years. 

The thing on the back of your neck, is insulin resistance. I've had it since I was a small child. It grosses me out and no matter what I do, I can't keep it from looking dark or from being dried out. Almost every person I know who is prediabetic or diabetic has it. If anything, find a clinic, or even a friend that will take your fasting blood sugar.

The periods, that was definitely me as well. I woke my mom up one night because I had gotten up to use the restroom and blood gushed from me. There had to be at least a gallon of blood on the carpet, on the bed and on me. The dr. I went to couldn't find anything wrong. She sent me for an ultrasound and said there might have been something on it..but she wasn't sure. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had visited the er because I bleed thru 5 overnight pads, in an hour. After the incident of waking up my mom, she finally called and my dr. referred me to the dr. I have now. He took one look at my ultrasound and realized I had polyps on my uterus. They aren't cancerous or anything, they are just caused by the excess lining...the lining that had built up in the 5 or 6 years that I didn't have a period and wouldn't go to the dr. My body was trying to shed what it could and since the polyps were kinda in the way..it was having a hard time. My blood count fell to 10,000 I believe..it was all way scary..

In the end, I had a DNC..he scraped out all the uterine lining that had built up and he put me back on birth control. Did I mention that I initially went to the dr because I had been spotting for 3 months and she just did an exam and stuck me on BC pills and that's what started the whole bleeding mess? Anyways, it took a while, but we finally found a prescription that I don't bleed thru. I take Norethindrone and Mestranol Tablets..the generic brand for those is called Necon 1/50.

So, I guess what I'm saying is don't jump to the conclusion that it's PCOS. You may be pre-diabetic and we all know the fat causes hair growth etc because of the extra hormones floating around.

I would try to find a planned parenthood or the health department. I know you don't have insurance, but see if you can find a dr that will let you pay by installments. Hell, if you could I would bring you to Oklahoma and take you to my dr. he literally saved my life.

ETA: The picture shows what I'm talking about on the back of my neck.


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## kr7 (May 28, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> .....The picture shows what I'm talking about on the back of my neck.



Hi Misty,
I couldn't tell from the pic., is it a raised rash or flat color variation? I'm wondering because I know someone with a similar looking rash, and I was wondering if I should alert them to the insulin resistance.  

Chris


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## kr7 (May 28, 2007)

Rebecca,
Honey, I just want you to know that you are far from alone. Not only are there thousands of women going through what you're describing, but also, many of them go undiagnosed. The key is to keep on looking for a doctor who will take you seriously.

You do not need to suffer from these symptoms needlessly. While it is good that you have made peace with your body, don't forget to nurture it, so that it may serve you well for many years to come. To do that, you really should seek treatment, since as others have pointed out, these symptoms are not just annoying, but can be dangerous.

In the meantime, I would like to make a suggestion that I think will help you feel better. From personal experience, I have found a surprising thing. When you're in the deepest despair, helping others has miraculous effect on your mood and self-esteem. When I was at a very low point in my life, I started volunteer work with the severely disabled, elderly people. No matter how I felt, I knew that these people needed my help, and it help me to focus on doing something positive.  

Chris


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## MisticalMisty (May 28, 2007)

kr7 said:


> Hi Misty,
> I couldn't tell from the pic., is it a raised rash or flat color variation? I'm wondering because I know someone with a similar looking rash, and I was wondering if I should alert them to the insulin resistance.
> 
> Chris



It's actually not a rash..it's broken skin..that has darkened. I have something similar in my arm pits as well. It's very dry..and hard to clean and no amount of lotion/face cream will make it soften.


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## xoxoshelby (May 28, 2007)

My neck looks just like that and I didn't know why. Broken skin? Interesting.



MisticalMisty said:


> It's actually not a rash..it's broken skin..that has darkened. I have something similar in my arm pits as well. It's very dry..and hard to clean and no amount of lotion/face cream will make it soften.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 28, 2007)

I get what you are saying about making peace with yourself in your mind and heart, Rebecca. I'm doing the same with myself 


One thing I'm noticing is..... that learning to love all of me makes it easier to take care of me. You are worth the "trouble" Rebecca. :kiss2:


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## MisticalMisty (May 28, 2007)

xoxoshelby said:


> My neck looks just like that and I didn't know why. Broken skin? Interesting.



Your body is telling you that you have a resistance to insulin. That's what it is..I promise.


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## MisticalMisty (May 28, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Your body is telling you that you have a resistance to insulin. That's what it is..I promise.



I should add that when I say broken..I don't mean that it is open and bleeds..etc..I just mean that it looks cracked...it's definitely not smooth.

It's never opened up or anything..it just looks like my neck has cracks all over it


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## Ample Pie (Jul 8, 2007)

Well, my doctor said that I "probably have PCOS" and prescribed Metformin. So, I've been taking it since the 5th. 

if you care to read about what else she said/what happened:

http://www.honestfacade.com/manifatso/?p=86


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## Waxwing (Jul 8, 2007)

Beautiful Rebecca. 

I'm typing this with tears running down my face. This is one of the most moving, beautiful, powerful, and important thing I've ever read on this board, or anywhere else. 

I don't have experience with the things you mention, but you perfectly captured that feeling of shame and alienation, which I think is universal. God know I wish it were not. 

Making peace with yourself is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Strike that, THE hardest. I've never been able to do it, but I am inspired by your epiphanic moment and encouraged by your words. 

You ARE BEAUTIFUL. And you're an amazing person. I have never met you, but I love you.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 8, 2007)

Rebecca - I went through a lot of what you are dealing with and I took the bull by the horns and did research online about holistic ways to help myself. This is an awesome site and the women there are great:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/pcoHOLISTIC/

And also checkout:

http://www.soulcysters.com/

There is help out there even if doctors won't help.


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## Nastya_Loves (Jul 9, 2007)

Rebecca, what you wrote touch my heart and my soul, ypu wrote one of the most beautiful things i've ever read, and im sure we all can relate to you, meybe not in the same aspect, but yet we can relate. 

You're right, we have to learn to love ourselves, so we can take care of us. Im one of the persons who fights with themselves everyday. But your words, and what you've been trought have inspired me. (and im sure not only me).

I gotta let you know that I think you are a amazing, great, beautiful, espectacular person, and I want to thank you because you, without knowing, inspired. Thank you .

Natasha

pd: ur a beautiful person on the inside, and on the outside too, love you


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## Lady at Large (Jul 12, 2007)

I gave rep for your post Rebecca, because honestly how could I not! Lovely post it touched me very much.

I too have been working hard on the self acceptance. It seems so clear when looking outward, finding wonderful things about others is so easy, allowing ourselves the same privilege is the hard bit. I know I can say all sort of things about your worthiness and it won't matter unless you believe it...I am so glad to hear you are striving toward that!


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## Ample Pie (Jul 12, 2007)

Thank you very much. I'm glad you're striving for self acceptance too  and I wish you the sincerest good luck.



Lady at Large said:


> I gave rep for your post Rebecca, because honestly how could I not! Lovely post it touched me very much.
> 
> I too have been working hard on the self acceptance. It seems so clear when looking outward, finding wonderful things about others is so easy, allowing ourselves the same privilege is the hard bit. I know I can say all sort of things about your worthiness and it won't matter unless you believe it...I am so glad to hear you are striving toward that!


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## Miss Vickie (Jul 12, 2007)

Rebecca, how are you tolerating the Metformin? I've heard that it can give people wicked GI problems (and I experienced some mild ones myself when I was on it). I hope you're doing well, and I'm glad you're getting treated.


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## SocialbFly (Jul 13, 2007)

omg metformin is the drug of the devil, i dont care if it is sustained release or not, it killed me, talk about RUNNING to the bathroom, and this fat girl doesnt run, i thought of buying attends....

I HATE METFORMIN there, i said it...lol...


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## Theatrmuse/Kara (Jul 13, 2007)

Metformin did the same thang to me! Finally got another medication and things are fine.:doh:


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## DeniseW (Jul 14, 2007)

I've read in a few magazines about the benefits of spearmint tea for hirsutism and other female/male hormone problems. I'm trying it now to see if it helps, I've only been drinking it for a few days. Maybe give it a try and see if it helps at all? I'll let you know if I see any results. I had to get it in a health food store, couldn't find it in the regular grocery store.


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## Ample Pie (Jul 14, 2007)

I've been doing this for three months  Two cups everyday. I sometimes think it is helping and sometimes think it isn't. Let me know how it works for you.



DeniseW said:


> I've read in a few magazines about the benefits of spearmint tea for hirsutism and other female/male hormone problems. I'm trying it now to see if it helps, I've only been drinking it for a few days. Maybe give it a try and see if it helps at all? I'll let you know if I see any results. I had to get it in a health food store, couldn't find it in the regular grocery store.


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## Ample Pie (Jul 14, 2007)

Funnily enough, the week before it was prescribed, I'd been having some 'wicked GI problems' but I've been mostly fine since. I did have one day recently where it felt like the whole of my digestive system was going to rebel. I ended up spending that day in bed--it really felt like I was kind of sea sick and I just couldn't tolerate much movement.

What I'm confused about is what metformin is supposed to do for me--I mean, my doctor told her why she was giving it to me, but not what it would do. I read the pamphlet and it told of side effects and the proper way to take it, but not what it does. I feel a bit dense.




Miss Vickie said:


> Rebecca, how are you tolerating the Metformin? I've heard that it can give people wicked GI problems (and I experienced some mild ones myself when I was on it). I hope you're doing well, and I'm glad you're getting treated.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 14, 2007)

OK SO IT'S NOT JUST ME!!! I was on Metformin for 6 months and I wanted to die the whole time. It gave me such constipation that I could not go for a week at a time and when I did go IT WAS ROCK HARD AND HURT LIKE A BITCH!!!!!!!! I then got wicked hemorrhoids and spent a lot of time in bed crying because my butt would just throb in pain.

OMG - I took myself off when I couldn't stand it anymore. My Doctor told me it wasn't the Metformin - but everything cleared up after I went off that evil evil drug!!!!!


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## Miss Vickie (Jul 14, 2007)

Rebecca said:


> What I'm confused about is what metformin is supposed to do for me--I mean, my doctor told her why she was giving it to me, but not what it would do. I read the pamphlet and it told of side effects and the proper way to take it, but not what it does. I feel a bit dense.



The way I understand it, Rebecca, is that it's supposed to make your cells more sensitive to the insulin that your body produces. Here's a quick lowdown on insulin and how it relates to blood glucose levels: When we eat anything with sugar (or starch, which will break down into sugar), after it's broken down, the sugar circulates in our blood. If your glucose levels are too high (which is dangerous to the body -- ask any diabetic who has eye damage, neuropathy, or who has difficulty with wound healing) the pancreas produces insulin which acts kind of like a bellboy, opening the doors of the cells, allowing the glucose in so that it can fuel the cells, and keeping the levels in your blood at reasonable and safe levels. Every time you eat your body, knowing that it's going to be getting sugar, starts cranking out insulin; sometimes, though, it sends out too much (and this seems to happen when we're big, or preexposed to diabetes, or both -- and lots of times for no reason that we can fathom). Low glucose is dangerous, too, and there's a whole series of hormonal actions that go on which I won't go into here.

If your body is producing too much insulin, it can drop your blood sugar precipitously, which makes you feel like crap. To avoid this, since very low blood sugar is also dangerous (because it starves the brain and other parts of the body) the cells become resistant to the insulin, and the receptor sites become less sensitive to insulin; I'm not sure if it's done by reducing the receptor sites in number or else changing them a little bit chemically so the insulin doesn't work as well. In either case, your body needs to make more and more insulin in order to regulate your blood glucose. Cranking out so much insulin is bad for several reasons. It increases your risk of heart disease. It increases your appetite -- particularly for carbs. It encourages your body to store fat in your abdominal areas, even if you eat a very little bit of food; the body holds onto every calorie it can get. 

High insulin levels are associated with PCOS, although I don't understand how exactly; it probably (?) has to do with androgenic hormones which are associated with lots of tummy fat and also aren't a friend to those of us who want to have regular cycles and be free of heart disease. Also, eventually the cells in your pancreas that produce insulin will wear out, and at that time you become an insulin dependent diabetic.

So what Metformin does is goes in and re-sensitizes your cells to insulin so your body can make less of it and it will work more. It gives the pancreas a bit of a break, and gets the glucose where you want it (in the cells) and away from where you don't want it (in too-high levels in the blood). It also can cause GI problems, unfortunately. 

I hope this made at least a little bit of sense. For more information about insulin resistance and PCOS, you might check www.soulcysters.com. I bet they have more current information than I have.


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