# Eating Disorders



## CuteyChubb (Oct 27, 2006)

Hi,

I would like to know more about eating disorders from anyone who has had personal experiences with them. I am worried I may be facing this problem concerning my 15 yr. old daughter. I will be looking into info off the net but thought it would be good to hear from those who are either going through this or those who have gone through it.

Lots of love,
Chubb


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## LoveBHMS (Oct 27, 2006)

There are several types of ED's, many sufferers go through stages of more than one [anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, compulsive overeating]. What sort of behaviour are you seeing in your daughter that troubles you?

One piece of advice I have [since i used to be fifteen] is do not engage her in any sort of a power struggle over her eating or not eating. If she feels that you are 'catching' her doing something, it may make her more determined to do it [starve, overeat, horde food, eat secretly] and will bring more shame and secrecy to something that should be as simple as 'providing fuel for a growing body.' You don't want to set up a cycle where she sees food as a tool or a source of manipulation or where her behaviour becomes something the two of you fight over. Eating is oftentimes something a young [or an old!] woman thinks is the only thing she can control, and you don't want food taking on this role in her life.


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## CuteyChubb (Oct 27, 2006)

She has lost about 53lbs. since June. In the beginning it was diet and exercise, then I smelled the vomit. I confronted her and she stopped that. She learned how to do that btw by watching Americas Next Top Model. Now I know she skips meals. Her first goal weight was 125. When she got there it was 5 more lbs, then another 5. She doesn't look good anymore. She says she is proud of her weight and her body but spends hours looking in the mirror. She is BEAUTIFUL and was before she lost a pound. Is it too soon to worry?


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## LoveBHMS (Oct 27, 2006)

If she's vomiting, you should worry. If she truly stopped, then it was just something she experimented with because she heard about it but she's not a true bulimic. Engaging in the behaviour doesn't mean you're a bulimic any more than if I line up a bunch of matchsticks I have OCD.

Losing 53 pounds in five months is a lot, but I don't know how much of it was water, or when you say 'about' 53 pounds, is it close to exact? It is a lot of weight to lose, but if she was overweight before hand or her activity increased, her body may be dropping down to a natural setpoint. 

Hours spent looking in the mirror wouldn't make her a whole lot different from many teens! Especially if she was [or believed she was] overweight beforehand, this may just be a newfound wonder or excitement over a body she likes.

However if her mentality is "I can never be too thin" then yes, it's cause for concern. If every goal is replaced with a new one, then that is a problem, particularly if you believe she will continue to do this. Keep in mind if she is suffering from an ED, she is likely dysmorphic [distorted body image] and does not see what you see in the mirror.

One thing that seriously would concern me is that [tell me if i'm wrong] I believe you are African American? ED's tend to be considered a 'white girl's disease' and if there is a problem, she might not get the attention or support offered to another young woman.


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## CuteyChubb (Oct 27, 2006)

She has stopped the vomiting. Last night, she didn't want dinner. She said she wasn't hungry. I know she didn't have b-fast and who really knows about lunch b/c she was at school. She just looks to thin to me but I am "too fat" so what should I know? This is why I posted this. 

We are west indian. I didn't know anything was a "white girls disease" but appreciate the heads up on that.

The 53lbs. is right give or take a pound.

Thanks.


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## LoveBHMS (Oct 27, 2006)

If you read up on it, you'll often see it described as "common among white upper middle class girls."

In your case, where you come from a culture that celebrates a fuller figure, this may be part of a rebellion, i.e. you and the family are big, therefore by way of differentiating myself, I'll be small. 

Rejecting food and size=rejecting mom. Mom gives food, daughter rejects it and therefore rejects mom.

It's good she stopped the vomiting, the physical torment of that is about as horrible as anything, and a lot of it can be permanent. I dealt with mine in a twelve step group, and one important topic of discussion was dealing with permanent damage we'd already done and having to come to terms with it.

As i said before, the worst thing you can do is make it into a power struggle. I stil remember mine with my parents, and they were awful. Dad physically shoving food down my throat, turning the heat down so I'd be colder [anorexics are always cold, not just due to a loss of body fat but your metabolim shuts down.] 

She's your child, you love her. So long as she knows that, she's in a better place.


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## rainyday (Oct 27, 2006)

CuteyChubb said:


> She has lost about 53lbs. since June. In the beginning it was diet and exercise, then I smelled the vomit. I confronted her and she stopped that.


I hope your concern is for nothing and she's actually okay. But just in case, I wouldn't be so quick to believe she stopped; she may have just learned to hide it better. Is she going through mouthwash or toothpaste faster than she used to? Look at her hands at the joints where the fingers connect to the hand--is the area red? Do you ever see broken capillaries on her face? At her neck along the jawline--does it look puffy, maybe even slightly chipmunky? Is she tired a lot (more than a regular teen)? Have you noticed any towels that suddenly have holes or weak spots in them? (The stomach acid can eat through them if they're grabbed to clean up a mess.) Does it drive her crazy to listen to the noise others make when they eat? If you're looking for clues around the house, keep in mind very little of the vomiting may actually take place in the bathroom. 

When I developed an eating disorder at fifteen, it started with skipping dinner. Part power struggle, part real desperation to lose weight. No one knew that I also didn't eat breakfast or lunch those days I was skipping dinner. One week I managed not to eat for three days. The high from that "success" was so good I was off and it just grew from there. Everything was a secret and the secrets just grew.


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## umbriago (Oct 29, 2006)

I have a lot of experience with family members who have had eating disorders. A couple of years ago I wrote down a lot of advice about dealing with this for a father who was requesting help on another website for his daughter. He found it helpful. I'll send you this document if you let me know where I can direct it. I'd rather not post it publicly.


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## InsecureGirl (Oct 30, 2006)

Having suffered from EDs myself, if she is indeed going through something like that she'll need help to deal with it as soon as possible. She's already lost a lot of weight in a short period of time, which is a bad sign.

She'll be engaging in secretive behaviour too, you might want to look out for excuses of getting out of eating.. 'I've already eaten' 'I'm not hungry' 'I don't feel well' 'I ate earlier..' and she might have certain things she does at meal times, like cutting her food up smaller.. drinking lots of water whilst eating so it's easier for her to throw it up.. also there are a lot of what I used to call 'safe foods' that were easier for me to throw up.. so if she's sticking to certain food and refusing other food that she finds difficult to bring up that might also be a sign.

I suggest, if you have a scale, putting it somewhere where she can't use it/get to it.. I used to weigh myself constantly, like more than once a day. She might be exercising more, or compulsively.. you might want to check for laxatives too.. a lot of people take laxatives to lose weight, even though they don't really help you out.. but they become kinda addictive. Let's just hope she's not taking Ipecac, that's just one hell of a danger..

Also if she's using the bathroom for purging, common things to look out for are running water.. she might be trying to cover up the sound of her throwing up. I used to run the taps/shower.. sometimes I'd even take music into the bathroom to stop anyone from hearing.

I hope this helps and makes some sense.. it's 8:30 am and sometimes I ramble. Anyway, let's hope she just 'experimented' with this and it won't develop into a big problem. I'm thinking of her and keeping my fingers crossed.

Much love

IG (As I've become known as)


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## Joseph the Weird (Oct 30, 2006)

Well, I asked my girlfriend, who suffered from anorexia not so long ago, about this, and probably the one big thing that was pointed out was that eating disorders are not solely caused by "wanting to be thin", peer pressure and all those things that you tend to hear about in the papers. They tend to have all sorts of underlying causes, which the eating disorder is the visible symptom of. Stress is a big one, as always, especially pressure to conform to certain expectations (even if they may have nothing to do with physical appearance at all). Look for problems at school or with her friends that could be causing undue stress, and first and foremost, be oh so very careful when you talk to her about it. No direct orders, no getting angry, no showing you're very worried (easy to say, I know). It will just put more pressure on her, and pressure to stop doing it will just intensify the condition on account of the extra stress.

With luck and if it's handled well it will just be a phase that'll pass, and you won't ever have to see a professional about it. Because, I tell you, don't go see a psychiatrist unless there's risk that she'll cause serious harm to herself. They'll give her meds, and while they help solve one problem, they create whole new problems of their own, which take years to go away, if they ever do.


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## CuteyChubb (Oct 30, 2006)

I appreciate all of the responses. You all have given me lots to think about. I am unfortunately swamped at work today but will respond later.

Thanks again!


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## rainyday (Oct 30, 2006)

Joseph the Weird said:


> Because, I tell you, don't go see a psychiatrist unless there's risk that she'll cause serious harm to herself. They'll give her meds, and while they help solve one problem, they create whole new problems of their own, which take years to go away, if they ever do.


I disagree with both these statements. If you do look for professional help though, don't just go to anyone who says they treat eating disorders. Seek out someone who truly specializes in it and treats that exclusively.


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## KnottyOne (Oct 30, 2006)

Yea, this sounds like an eating disorder, when I sufered from anorexia in high school, food was the last thing on my mind. Even now, I still have some of the scars, if I struggle to fit in pants, or I think a shirt looks to small on me, boom, hits me. I wont eat for a few days, it's so deep in me I forget to eat at times. Last semester, didnt eat for 11 days, I didnt even realize it until a friend brought it to my attenetion and forced me to eat. And I mean, it wasn't social standards that made me become it. When a doc tells you that because of your legs disability you will lose your ability to walk at 175 lbs, it puts the fear of god into you. Then I had my mother and my doctor holding that over my head, I was 160 at the time, so i was basically 10 lbs from a loaded barrel. Fell into depression, stopped eating for about 6 months, dropped to 117 at 5'5". about this time, people realized I had a problem, and I went to rehab for it. I'm happy i did but, the fear is still there, so is the will to do it. I'm holding at 135 now but, deep down that is still to close to the magic number. So I always have that voice tellin me to stop eating again, and hell, I do, i'll have 4 full meals a week top, rest salad or energy bars. Just keep an eye on her, best thing you can do is keep an eye on her and support her in non destructive activities, and catch her if she falls.


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## Laina (Oct 30, 2006)

I think the rest of the group has covered most of it, but some other things to watch for: food hoarding. Anorexics will get panicky and hide food "just in case". Unusually long (for her) morning prep times or nighttime bathroom rituals. Food related rituals, including but not limited to breaking food into smaller pieces, dividing it into fractions, or being obsessive about foods not touching. 

I can also say from experience that caffeine became my best friend while I was active. Coffee, diet soda, no-dose. My sleeping patterns changed. I was afraid to sleep at night, because I wasn't burning calories, but I slept for large parts of the day because it kept me from being hungry. I wasn't as social, because going out meant dealing with friends, and friends always seemed to have food. 

If you're seriously worried, I'd also suggest checking her history files. I know it sounds invasive, but pro-ana sites are a huge danger. Anas build off each other the same way that cutters do--they'll try, in a lot of cases, to out starve each other.


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## activistfatgirl (Oct 30, 2006)

Oh Chubb, It's got to be so hard to be a mom. I feel like I'm still stumbling along in adulthood so its hard for me to imagine dealing with a teenage daughter.

I have no advice. Just affirmations and virtual hugs. I hope rest comes easy tonight, and that you've got clarity and vision to know what the best steps are.


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## CuteyChubb (Nov 2, 2006)

rainyday said:


> I hope your concern is for nothing and she's actually okay. But just in case, I wouldn't be so quick to believe she stopped; she may have just learned to hide it better. Is she going through mouthwash or toothpaste faster than she used to? Look at her hands at the joints where the fingers connect to the hand--is the area red? Do you ever see broken capillaries on her face? At her neck along the jawline--does it look puffy, maybe even slightly chipmunky? Is she tired a lot (more than a regular teen)? Have you noticed any towels that suddenly have holes or weak spots in them? (The stomach acid can eat through them if they're grabbed to clean up a mess.) Does it drive her crazy to listen to the noise others make when they eat? If you're looking for clues around the house, keep in mind very little of the vomiting may actually take place in the bathroom.
> 
> When I developed an eating disorder at fifteen, it started with skipping dinner. Part power struggle, part real desperation to lose weight. No one knew that I also didn't eat breakfast or lunch those days I was skipping dinner. One week I managed not to eat for three days. The high from that "success" was so good I was off and it just grew from there. Everything was a secret and the secrets just grew.



She has been skipping dinner. She says she ate before I get home from work. While I eat dinner, she goes to her room. She tells her little sister who is 4 that if she eats candy she will get fat. She was constantly telling me to go walk at the track like I used to so I can lose weight like I did before. She hates my "fat people website" (Dimensions) and tells me she hopes if I die from being fat that my friends here will care. She is obsessed.


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## CuteyChubb (Nov 2, 2006)

umbriago said:


> I have a lot of experience with family members who have had eating disorders. A couple of years ago I wrote down a lot of advice about dealing with this for a father who was requesting help on another website for his daughter. He found it helpful. I'll send you this document if you let me know where I can direct it. I'd rather not post it publicly.



Thanks, could you post it in a PM?


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## CuteyChubb (Nov 2, 2006)

InsecureGirl said:


> Having suffered from EDs myself, if she is indeed going through something like that she'll need help to deal with it as soon as possible. She's already lost a lot of weight in a short period of time, which is a bad sign.
> 
> She'll be engaging in secretive behaviour too, you might want to look out for excuses of getting out of eating.. 'I've already eaten' 'I'm not hungry' 'I don't feel well' 'I ate earlier..' and she might have certain things she does at meal times, like cutting her food up smaller.. drinking lots of water whilst eating so it's easier for her to throw it up.. also there are a lot of what I used to call 'safe foods' that were easier for me to throw up.. so if she's sticking to certain food and refusing other food that she finds difficult to bring up that might also be a sign.
> 
> ...




It is scary, the similarities. She weighs herself at least 4 times/day. A couple weeks ago the battery in the scale died. She wanted me to go out in the middle of the night to buy a replacement. I refused. She cried hysterically and said I just want her to be fat like me. 

Much love back.


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## CuteyChubb (Nov 2, 2006)

Joseph the Weird said:


> Well, I asked my girlfriend, who suffered from anorexia not so long ago, about this, and probably the one big thing that was pointed out was that eating disorders are not solely caused by "wanting to be thin", peer pressure and all those things that you tend to hear about in the papers. They tend to have all sorts of underlying causes, which the eating disorder is the visible symptom of. Stress is a big one, as always, especially pressure to conform to certain expectations (even if they may have nothing to do with physical appearance at all). Look for problems at school or with her friends that could be causing undue stress, and first and foremost, be oh so very careful when you talk to her about it. No direct orders, no getting angry, no showing you're very worried (easy to say, I know). It will just put more pressure on her, and pressure to stop doing it will just intensify the condition on account of the extra stress.
> 
> With luck and if it's handled well it will just be a phase that'll pass, and you won't ever have to see a professional about it. Because, I tell you, don't go see a psychiatrist unless there's risk that she'll cause serious harm to herself. They'll give her meds, and while they help solve one problem, they create whole new problems of their own, which take years to go away, if they ever do.



Thank you for caring enough to discuss this with your GF. She is under a lot of stress. I think she started out with a genuine interest in losing a few pounds but once the weight really started coming off, things changed into an obsession. I wish it were a phase, I just don't want it to get out of hand. I do think I need a professional. At least a counselor who will not prescribe her meds.


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## CuteyChubb (Nov 2, 2006)

KnottyOne said:


> Yea, this sounds like an eating disorder, when I sufered from anorexia in high school, food was the last thing on my mind. Even now, I still have some of the scars, if I struggle to fit in pants, or I think a shirt looks to small on me, boom, hits me. I wont eat for a few days, it's so deep in me I forget to eat at times. Last semester, didnt eat for 11 days, I didnt even realize it until a friend brought it to my attenetion and forced me to eat. And I mean, it wasn't social standards that made me become it. When a doc tells you that because of your legs disability you will lose your ability to walk at 175 lbs, it puts the fear of god into you. Then I had my mother and my doctor holding that over my head, I was 160 at the time, so i was basically 10 lbs from a loaded barrel. Fell into depression, stopped eating for about 6 months, dropped to 117 at 5'5". about this time, people realized I had a problem, and I went to rehab for it. I'm happy i did but, the fear is still there, so is the will to do it. I'm holding at 135 now but, deep down that is still to close to the magic number. So I always have that voice tellin me to stop eating again, and hell, I do, i'll have 4 full meals a week top, rest salad or energy bars. Just keep an eye on her, best thing you can do is keep an eye on her and support her in non destructive activities, and catch her if she falls.



Thank you Knotty for sharing this for me. My heart goes out to you and wish you the best. Don't listen to the voice. You have to eat more than that. I'm glad you are here, with us.


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## CuteyChubb (Nov 2, 2006)

Laina said:


> I think the rest of the group has covered most of it, but some other things to watch for: food hoarding. Anorexics will get panicky and hide food "just in case". Unusually long (for her) morning prep times or nighttime bathroom rituals. Food related rituals, including but not limited to breaking food into smaller pieces, dividing it into fractions, or being obsessive about foods not touching.
> 
> I can also say from experience that caffeine became my best friend while I was active. Coffee, diet soda, no-dose. My sleeping patterns changed. I was afraid to sleep at night, because I wasn't burning calories, but I slept for large parts of the day because it kept me from being hungry. I wasn't as social, because going out meant dealing with friends, and friends always seemed to have food.
> 
> If you're seriously worried, I'd also suggest checking her history files. I know it sounds invasive, but pro-ana sites are a huge danger. Anas build off each other the same way that cutters do--they'll try, in a lot of cases, to out starve each other.



Pro-ana sites??? Wow. Learned something new today. Thanks for letting me know. We haven't had a PC at home in a long time but I will be getting one soon for my on-line classes. The sleeping pattern you describe is just what she does. My baby needs help and I'm gonna make sure she gets it. 

Thanks so very much to all of you. :wubu:


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## Tina (Nov 2, 2006)

Don't know what to say, Cutey, except that I wish the best for you and your daughter, and that I hope she is able to gain perspective about herself and her eating, and conquer this.


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## CuteyChubb (Jan 26, 2007)

I got a computer for the house and I noticed my daughter looked up some websites about bulimia. She eats like a wolf and sleeps all the time and is about 104lbs. now. I'm finding her a doctor or a counselor, fast, just haven't decided which yet.


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## Oona (Jan 26, 2007)

> If you're seriously worried, I'd also suggest checking her history files. I know it sounds invasive, but pro-ana sites are a huge danger. Anas build off each other the same way that cutters do--they'll try, in a lot of cases, to out starve each other.



Thats a great idea. Also... has she been wearing a red or purple bracelet recently? The Pro-Ana sites use the bracelet as a symbol of the ED. It might even be a necklace or hair tie. And they aren't just string. A lot of them now use the colored beads as well. 

I hope everything works out for you.


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## AnnMarie (Jan 26, 2007)

From everything you've said she's got some definite issues that require professional help... good for you for keeping an eye out and being pro-active. It's not to late to change her outlook and get her into healthy eating habits... she just has to realize that healthy eating does not equal "being fat like mom".... 

Poor thing.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 26, 2007)

CuteyChubb said:


> I got a computer for the house and I noticed my daughter looked up some websites about bulimia. She eats like a wolf and sleeps all the time and is about 104lbs. now. I'm finding her a doctor or a counselor, fast, just haven't decided which yet.



Bulimics tend to be "normal" to slightly above normal weight. All that weight loss... perhaps you should look up anorexia. A professional probably needs to determine what problem, if any, she has. I would consider both a doctor (for the physical health) and a counselor (for the mental health) if it was my girl. 
I have a daughter soon to be 15 herself and understand your concern. Good Luck and best wishes to you both.


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## Laina (Jan 26, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Bulimics tend to be "normal" to slightly above normal weight. All that weight loss... perhaps you should look up anorexia. A professional probably needs to determine what problem, if any, she has. I would consider both a doctor (for the physical health) and a counselor (for the mental health) if it was my girl.
> I have a daughter soon to be 15 herself and understand your concern. Good Luck and best wishes to you both.



Unfortunately, there's a lot of cross over. (Even more unfortunately, the cross over doubles the risk factor in most cases.) Because the ana/mia lines blur so often, there's even a category for it: EDNOS--essentially a non-specified eating disorder. It covers a wide range of disordered eating habits, because one dangerous tendency often leads to another (and another...and so it goes). 

Still, I'd second both suggestions...or suggest an ED-specific clinic, if one exists in your area. It's hard to seperate the physical needs from the mental ones with most EDs.


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## liz (di-va) (Jan 26, 2007)

This is all really good advice. I just wanted to chime in with the sympathies and hugs for the difficult nature of this situation.

Also wanted to agree that I would recommend therapy for a way of dealing with EDs...was for me. Some counselors are definitely better than others, though--there are ones that are less/more body-accepting (sometimes the way people treat anorexics is remarkably similar to how fat people are treated: like--why don't you just eat? [instead of] why don't you just stop eating?) I just mean...I've met some who are really interested in treating the whole person with the eating disorder and some who just want to see numbers change on a scale, and I'd sure hope some of that latter thinking could be diffused for your daughter. In the long-term sense, I mean--not if there are immediate health concerns.

I guess I'm just saying best of luck and you have all my good wishes and hopes for this situation. I can't imagine having to navigate it as a mom--must be so hard. Big big hugs--


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 27, 2007)

Laina said:


> Unfortunately, there's a lot of cross over. (Even more unfortunately, the cross over doubles the risk factor in most cases.) Because the ana/mia lines blur so often, there's even a category for it: EDNOS--essentially a non-specified eating disorder. *It covers a wide range of disordered eating habits, because one dangerous tendency often leads to another (and another...and so it goes). *
> 
> Still, I'd second both suggestions...or suggest an ED-specific clinic, if one exists in your area. It's hard to seperate the physical needs from the mental ones with most EDs.



I'm a compulsive over eater that compulsively diets and has bulimic tendencies at times so I can totally see how that works out. It all becomes blurry but the universal part of it all is that none of us with the EDs feel accepted how we are


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

Get your child involved in meal-planning, for sure. 

You said she's 104? How tall is she?


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## CuteyChubb (Jan 27, 2007)

She is about 5'3. She claims she only binge eats and doesn't vomit. She is refusing to go to the Dr. appt I scheduled for her this coming Monday. She says she just eats alot sometimes and goes to sleep but then how does she keep losing weight? I honestly think she consumes more calories than I do sometimes. She definitely thinks about food more.

Hey I REALLY appreciate the positive feedback. You all are great!!!!


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

Tell her if she doesn't have a problem, then this won't be a problem.

And if there IS a problem, no one is going to blame her, and if you resolve the problem in the early stages, fixing the problem is on her terms, as opposed to in inpatient therapy or something more extreme. She can take part in preparing dinner and maybe you guys can take up exercise together?


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## XGuy (Jan 27, 2007)

Now I am old fashioned but I would personally punish her for refusing to see the doctor. The issue with that incident is not at all related to her potential issue but rather her lack of respect for you as her parent. Of course I would try to coax her into it first.


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## Friday (Jan 27, 2007)

> Now I am old fashioned but I would personally punish her for refusing to see the doctor.



Yeah, and see how far it gets her. Punish her how? Cut off her desserts? 

It definitely needs to get checked out if you're concerned Cutey which obviously you are, but being 5'3", 104 lbs and a healthy eater isn't totally outside the realm of possibility. I was 5'5" and 107 when I graduated from HS and had been as low as 103 that year. I ate like a horse. I did skip school lunch but that was because it was nasty. I had a sandwich when I got home and family dinner at least 5 nights a week, no skipping allowed, period. I didn't do the sleeping thing though except on Sunday afternoon sometimes, we were just on the go all the time.


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## XGuy (Jan 27, 2007)

Friday said:


> Yeah, and see how far it gets her. Punish her how? Cut off her desserts?



As a "kid" I can tell you it's dangerous to let your child take advantage of the parent/child relationship no matter the circumstances. I have been watching my parents do it for a year now and I can tell you it gets you nowhere, for some reason, something they are willing to accept and yet never put into practice. And my brother has his share of emotional issues, I can tell you in over a year there has been no improvement in behavior.

I mean you should by all means try to convince her to see the doctor. But when it comes down to it if you aren't willing to force her- she won't forget it. There are basic things that can't be pushed aside no matter the situation. I mean just think, if she refuses to go to that appointment and you allow it, what happens to the second appointment? Not to mention if you just let her skip it it will convey that it wasn't that important.

Only each parent knows how to parent their own kid the best. But as someone who was recently in that whole kid thing, and quietly (normally) observes from the sidelines my parents and my brother... I am just trying to be helpful.

I know you believe in the importance of her seeing the doctor, I just know outside perspective can be helpful at times. It is hard to stand up to the dinner-plate glossy eyes of a teen, especially when he or she is going through a very rough time.

It's like an intervention- no one wants to do it, but it just has to be done.

EDIT: Oh and as to how I don't know Friday, I don't know her daughter only she does. Maybe grounding her, maybe taking away privladges (I don't do spelling at 3am), there is no cure-all punishment for kids. Hell some kids consider it punishment when you take away their reading time.


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## CuteyChubb (Jan 27, 2007)

I am a single Mom of three girls-15, 4 and 1. I am not a disciplinarian. If I were married to my girls father, I'd leave the discipline to him. I try to work through issues with talking. I cannot use force on my kids, it is just not something I am able to do. It's too late for all that now anyway. I will talk to her and convince her to go. Hopefully.

Hopefully, she is just really a cute, petite, 104 lb. girl without these scary problems. I'm just getting her Doc involved and we'll go from there. I should post her pic. She is gorgeous, just looks too skinny now.


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## Laina (Jan 27, 2007)

XGuy said:


> As a "kid" I can tell you it's dangerous to let your child take advantage of the parent/child relationship no matter the circumstances. I have been watching my parents do it for a year now and I can tell you it gets you nowhere, for some reason, something they are willing to accept and yet never put into practice. And my brother has his share of emotional issues, I can tell you in over a year there has been no improvement in behavior.
> 
> I mean you should by all means try to convince her to see the doctor. But when it comes down to it if you aren't willing to force her- she won't forget it. There are basic things that can't be pushed aside no matter the situation. I mean just think, if she refuses to go to that appointment and you allow it, what happens to the second appointment? Not to mention if you just let her skip it it will convey that it wasn't that important.
> 
> ...



Right. And as an "ED sufferer" I can tell you that punishing my behavior only reinforces it. If you're angry at me for losing weight, I must still be losing weight...so I'm doing something right. Logical? No. Hence the _disorder_ in eating disorder. I'll admit that it's a bit of a misnomer. It's not simply a matter of disordered eating--there's also disorder thought process, emotional processing, etc. We don't just screw around with our eating habits for the joy of making our parents angry. (If that were the case, my ED would have died out when I MOVED out, yes?) Not to mention, most EDs come complete with a handy sense of persecution (get yours now before supplies run out!) to begin with. Punishment strengthens the "us and them" sense.

In short, drag her to the appointment. Kicking and screaming, if it comes to that. Expect to endure a couple weeks of silence or tantrums (she's a teen, after all). If she needs a therapist, you may have to drag her to those appointments, too...but grounding her for not going is probably more than a little counter productive.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 27, 2007)

CuteyChubb said:


> I am a single Mom of three girls-15, 4 and 1. I am not a disciplinarian. If I were married to my girls father, I'd leave the discipline to him. I try to work through issues with talking. I cannot use force on my kids, it is just not something I am able to do. It's too late for all that now anyway. I will talk to her and convince her to go. Hopefully.
> 
> Hopefully, she is just really a cute, petite, 104 lb. girl without these scary problems. I'm just getting her Doc involved and we'll go from there. I should post her pic. She is gorgeous, just looks too skinny now.



I have three daughters too. The oldest is turning 15 next week and her younger twin sister are turning five the very next day. Im also a single mom. I like your idea of just talking to her to get her to go.
However, it seems like you have been worried over this for months. You NEED to make her go to the doctor, imo. I know how hard they can be to deal with when they are hard headed teens. My own gives me one heck of a run for my money. 
If the talking doesn't work, perhaps you could try to take away privileges, or promise extra privileges, to get her to go. I have always tended to be the disciplinarian in my family (even though Dad did occasionally step in, the majority of it was up to me). Sometimes grounding the oldest, taking away the phone or computer or not allowing friends over works best. I know you hate to do this to her, especially when you are worried about her being ill but this is the hard part of being a parent. Sometimes you have to make them do what is best for them and not what they think is best, at least while they are still children.
Good Luck and I hope you keep us posted


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## Wagimawr (Jan 27, 2007)

Laina said:


> In short, drag her to the appointment. Kicking and screaming, if it comes to that. Expect to endure a couple weeks of silence or tantrums (she's a teen, after all). If she needs a therapist, you may have to drag her to those appointments, too...but grounding her for not going is probably more than a little counter productive.


Yep. She must go. And as Sadeian said, if there's no problem, then the appointment won't be a problem.

Is it also possible that she's feeling the pull of an obsession she doesn't know she has yet, and might actually think she's fine?


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

Oh, ad eatig disorders are NO ONE'S FAULT. Not yours especially. Keep that in mind.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

XGuy said:


> Now I am old fashioned but I would personally punish her for refusing to see the doctor. The issue with that incident is not at all related to her potential issue but rather her lack of respect for you as her parent. Of course I would try to coax her into it first.



I'm sure if she has an eating disorder that she just LOVES the suffering she's going through. If you punished a child for refusing to see the doctor, you'd be the kind of parent who ended up with a child like me.

When YOU get a phone call that your child has ripped out her IV, sent blood spraying across the room as she did it, and tried to leave the hospital without her shoes, then you can reap the rewards of your brilliant parenting skills. Happened to my dad. And funny enough, my relapses when my dad was out of the picture, not punishing me for not eating, or refusing to see the doctor, have been far more mild.

My mom went through hell as the parent of an eating disordered child, and my behavior had nothing to do with the absolute love, respect, and admiration I have ALWAYS had for her. People like you end up killing children, and I mean that.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> Yep. She must go. And as Sadeian said, if there's no problem, then the appointment won't be a problem.
> 
> Is it also possible that she's feeling the pull of an obsession she doesn't know she has yet, and might actually think she's fine?



I'm an adult, and I'm frequently surprised as hell people still think my eating habits can be weird. Entirely possible.


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## Medea (Jan 27, 2007)

Firstly, I am so sad this is happening to your daughter and to you. This may sound like b.s. from a stranger, but I will keep both of you in my thoughts. 

I struggled with anorexia nervosa and bulimia about 9 years ago. A lot of the ED literature states that bulimics are "normal weight to slightly above," but my bulimia was more a result of the anorexia nervosa. Like your daughter, I started out with a sensible weight loss and exercise plan, but as I got close to my goal weight, I kept telling myself that I would feel better, be happier and be "enough" if I lost five more pounds. These "five more pounds" eventually resulted in me getting down to 85 lbs. and almost dying. While anorexia was my primary disorder, the bulimia manifested when well-intentioned family members would cajole me into eating in front of them. The anxiety surrounding food was so intense, I felt that I needed to purge in order to feel clean again. 

As I said, I have been normal weight for about nine years now, so there is hope. There were many factors that finally prompted me to relinquish the ED, but one of them involved re-orienting my idea of what "beauty" is. I had been approached to do some modeling and such when the whole heroin-chic look was "in" (ugh) during the mid-1990's. I had this distorted idea that beauty=ultra thin and that thinness=moral superiority. This may sound stupid, but I started to check out magazines like "Mode" and "Ms. Fitness" and those magazines did a wonderful job with helping me realize that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, levels of fitness, etc. 

As someone who has been there, my heart just breaks for those with ED's and their families. In many ways, it is good that your daughter is 15 and that you still have some control over her seeing a doctor or not. I was an adult when I had my ED and I flat-out refused any help.


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## LoveBHMS (Jan 27, 2007)

ED's can be a incredible power struggle between teens and their elders. I was in prep school when my poor math teacher was somehow designated to be the one to sit me down and tell me the faculty had some concerns about me. Fourteen year old snot nosed brat told her *to her face* that she was just jealous of me because she was a fat cow.

I wound up having to go to the school nurse regularly to get weighed and decided this was amusing because the nurse's office was pretty far from the area on campus where the classroom buildings were and informed my parents that the school was totally idiotic because I was just going to jog over to the nurse's office and wind up losing more weight anyway, so they may as well give up.

And that's a tiny sample of it.

Teens, especially ED'd teens can really test the parenting skills.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> ED's can be a incredible power struggle between teens and their elders. I was in prep school when my poor math teacher was somehow designated to be the one to sit me down and tell me the faculty had some concerns about me. Fourteen year old snot nosed brat told her *to her face* that she was just jealous of me because she was a fat cow.



Aren't children delightful?


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## XGuy (Jan 27, 2007)

Laina said:


> In short, drag her to the appointment. Kicking and screaming, if it comes to that. Expect to endure a couple weeks of silence or tantrums (she's a teen, after all). If she needs a therapist, you may have to drag her to those appointments, too...but grounding her for not going is probably more than a little counter productive.



Laina that's what I'm essentially saying. I was addressing more the idea she would physically outright refuse to go and as a single mom it would be hard to physically pick her up and carry her there... my point is you should do what you have to, to get her to go.

And Laina I *never* proposed punishing the eating disorder. My argument was essentially just because she is going through a hard time, that shouldn't be an invitation to disrespect and disobey her mother.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

XGuy said:


> Laina that's what I'm essentially saying. I was addressing more the idea she would physically outright refuse to go and as a single mom it would be hard to physically pick her up and carry her there... my point is you should do what you have to, to get her to go.
> 
> And Laina I *never* proposed punishing the eating disorder. My argument was essentially just because she is going through a hard time, that shouldn't be an invitation to disrespect and disobey her mother.



If you make this about PUNISHING her, then she will develop worse habits to hide the behavior. Ground her for not going to the doctor? She'll get smart and weigh herself down with ankle weights, ziplocs taped to her full of sand. 

She doesn't get a choice about going to the doctor, and this is NOT about disrespecting her mother. There are MANY reasons someone with an eating disorder may not want to go to the doctor and none of them have anything to do with respect. That's awful to imply she doesn't respect her mother because she doesn't want to go to the doctor.

Ultimately, if you punish her for not going to the doctor's, you make going to the doctor's a negative thing. It ISN'T. If you think this is a responsible way to treat someone with an eating disorder and you ever deal with a person this way, you will probably assist in killing them. I am not kidding. DO NOT ever deal with an eating disordered person like this.


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## Laina (Jan 27, 2007)

XGuy said:


> Laina that's what I'm essentially saying. I was addressing more the idea she would physically outright refuse to go and as a single mom it would be hard to physically pick her up and carry her there... my point is you should do what you have to, to get her to go.
> 
> And Laina I *never* proposed punishing the eating disorder. My argument was essentially just because she is going through a hard time, that shouldn't be an invitation to disrespect and disobey her mother.



Punishing her for not seeing the doctor, as TSL has already explained, will simply open the door for new and improved behavior--ankle weights aren't the least of it, frankly.

And making her ED (or anything related to it--including her avoidance of discovery) about respect for her mother? It'll feed that persecution complex I've already highlighted.


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## XGuy (Jan 27, 2007)

I'm not saying any of those things. I'm saying the fact that she would refuse to see the doctor is an issue of essentially not doing what her mother is telling her to. And by letting her skip the appointment would send what impression? The logical impression I see from that is A) Apparently it wasn't that important, B) All I have to do is refuse and mom won't care, C) etc. etc. they all go in one direction. She isn't going to stand up and say "Mom thank you for being so sensitive by not pushing the doctor on me. I would like to go if you will make another appointment."

I'm not suggesting you jump straight to threatening her or anything- but just as several posters pointed out you should do what you have to to get her to go to the doctor. For each kid it is going to mean something different.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

XGuy said:


> I'm not saying any of those things. I'm saying the fact that she would refuse to see the doctor is an issue of essentially not doing what her mother is telling her to. And by letting her skip the appointment would send what impression? The logical impression I see from that is A) Apparently it wasn't that important, B) All I have to do is refuse and mom won't care, C) etc. etc. they all go in one direction. She isn't going to stand up and say "Mom thank you for being so sensitive by not pushing the doctor on me. I would like to go if you will make another appointment."
> 
> I'm not suggesting you jump straight to threatening her or anything- but just as several posters pointed out you should do what you have to to get her to go to the doctor. For each kid it is going to mean something different.



Uh, many times I've thanked my mother for saving my life by NOT using the drastic measures my dad did. "Punishing" her will make her worse if she has an ED. Everyone here with an ED is saying so. Does that mean anything to you? Dead children do not say thank you. 

She doesn't get the option of saying no to a doctor's appointment. There's no consequence if she doesn't go, but she has to go. What will happen if she doesn't go? There's no option not to go. Teenage girls don't usually resort to violence in this situation. Despite your lack of understanding, people with eating disorders are human who care about the feelings of their mothers. My mother came to me and said she was worried and she could not be at peace until I went to the doctor and was honest about everything. I went to the doctor and was honest about everything.


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## Laina (Jan 27, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Uh, many times I've thanked my mother for saving my life by NOT using the drastic measures my dad did. "Punishing" her will make her worse if she has an ED. Everyone here with an ED is saying so. Does that mean anything to you? Dead children do not say thank you.
> 
> She doesn't get the option of saying no to a doctor's appointment. There's no consequence if she doesn't go, but she has to go. What will happen if she doesn't go? There's no option not to go. Teenage girls don't usually resort to violence in this situation. Despite your lack of understanding, people with eating disorders are human who care about the feelings of their mothers. My mother came to me and said she was worried and she could not be at peace until I went to the doctor and was honest about everything. I went to the doctor and was honest about everything.



Precisely.

XGuy, I don't know how to make this any more clear, frankly. Perhaps it's a simple matter of "you haven't been there, so you don't know".


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## XGuy (Jan 27, 2007)

I'm just going off what she said, she said her daughter was refusing to go... I took that to mean she was going to refuse to go. If she can be persuaded to go that is absolutely great (as I have said every post). Your saying the exact same thing as I am, except not addressing the possibility she would actually refuse to go. Your saying not going is not an option. Thats exactly what I'm saying.

Whatever happens CuteyChubb I hope it all works out! My prayers will be with your family.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 27, 2007)

XGuy said:


> I'm just going off what she said, she said her daughter was refusing to go... I took that to mean she was going to refuse to go. If she can be persuaded to go that is absolutely great (as I have said every post). Your saying the exact same thing as I am, except ignoring the possibility she would actually refuse to go. Your saying not going is not an option. Thats exactly what I'm saying.
> 
> Whatever happens CuteyChubb I hope it all works out! My prayers will be with your family.



Jesus H. Christ. You were saying PUNISH HER FOR NOT GOING AND "TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES." YOU WERE NOT SAYING THE SAME THING. YOU WERE SUGGESTING THAT PUNISHMENT WOULD AID IN CURING HER. THAT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WERE SAYING, AND CONSIDERING BOTH OF US WERE DIAGNOSED WITH ANOREXIA NERVOSA, I THINK WE HAVE A BETTER IDEA WHAT FUCKING CURES IT. 

I am TIRED of morons coming up with the dumbest damn suggestions for "curing" anorexia nervosa. I am TIRED of people boiling this down to a simple matter of "being stubborn." You're right: All anorectics are just stubborn assholes who don't respect their mothers, and if they're just forced into going to the doctors and forced into eating, they'll recover and never relapse. Thank you; you've completely figured out anorexia nervosa. You have totally solved the problem. NO ONE HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU. AND CERTAINLY IF THEY HAD IT WORKED, BECAUSE ANORECTICS NEVER EVER LIE TO OR FOOL DOCTORS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY FEEL BACKED INTO A CORNER.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TACKLE "CURING FAT PEOPLE" NEXT. JUST THREATEN TO GROUND THEM IF THEY EAT ANYTHING WITH PROCESSED SUGAR, AND THEY'LL QUIT BEING FAT!

ETA: I wouldn't say anything if I didn't find your attitude and ideas about this inherently harmful. CuteyChubb seems to have the right idea, but the last thing any parent with an eating disordered cild needs to think is that if they were better parents, this wouldn't have happened, because that's just not true.


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## XGuy (Jan 27, 2007)

I'm sorry if you got that impression but I just rechecked all my posts and I never said that. I never meant punishing her would cure (or be in response to) the potential eating disorder. In fact my very first post directly said the idea of punishment was NOT related to the eating disorder, but rather the refusal to see the doctor.

Punishment should never be a cure to *any* emotional problems, eating disorder or otherwise.

And while I have never been afflicted with an eating disorder I have my share of experience with emotional troubles (both internall and viewing from the sidelines). So don't think I am insensitive to the situation.

Please next time do not try to tell me what I was suggesting.

EDIT: I also never once mentioned CuteyChubb's parenting ability... I even said that only the parent really knows how to respond to their child. I don't think anyone has or would blame CuteyChubb for the disorder since it is quite obviously not her fault.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

XGuy said:


> I'm sorry if you got that impression but I just rechecked all my posts and I never said that.



Apparently you suffer from Lying Syndrome:



> "But when it comes down to it if you aren't willing to force her- she won't forget it. There are basic things that can't be pushed aside no matter the situation. *I mean just think, if she refuses to go to that appointment and you allow it, what happens to the second appointment? Not to mention if you just let her skip it it will convey that it wasn't that important.
> *
> Only each parent knows how to parent their own kid the best. But as someone who was recently in that whole kid thing, and quietly (normally) observes from the sidelines my parents and my brother... I am just trying to be helpful.
> 
> ...





> Punishment should never be a cure to *any* emotional problems, eating disorder or otherwise.
> 
> And while I have never been afflicted with an eating disorder I have my share of experience with emotional troubles (both internall and viewing from the sidelines). So don't think I am insensitive to the situation.



You've dealt with emotional problems. Boo-fucking-hoo. Anorexia nervosa is a physiological condition. You can't IMAGINE the torments of it and pretending it's anything close to depression (I was diagnosed with major depression too, so don't horseshit me.) is crazy. 

Yeah, you've never starved yourself despite:

Your hair falling out

Involuntarily vomiting blood

Having your teeth and skin go completely to hell

Being unable to sleep for days on end.

OH AND BY THE WAY, MY ANOREXIA NERVOSA WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE CURED BECAUSE THE ONSET WAS BEFORE AGE 14. YEAH, YOUR PROBLEMS FUCKING PALE IN COMPARISON. ANOREXIA NERVOSA WILL PROBABLY KILL ME. AND THERE'S NO FUCKING PILL TO EVEN CONTROL IT. DON'T EVER COMPARE THE PAIN OF AN EATING DISORDER TO YOUR OWN. YOURS WILL UNLIKELY KILL YOU. BECAUSE OF THE EARLY ONSET, I HAVE A 3 IN 5 CHANCE OF DYING OF IT. IS YOUR "DISORDER" NEARLY THAT HORRIBLE? DIDN'T THINK S

If I could give you anorexia nervosa for a few months, I would do it with fucking gusto.



> EDIT: I also never once mentioned CuteyChubb's parenting ability... I even said that only the parent really knows how to respond to their child. I don't think anyone has or would blame CuteyChubb for the disorder since it is quite obviously not her fault.


[/QUOTE]

YOU WERE TELLING HER SHE NEEDS TO CHANGE HER PARENTING APPROACH. SHE IS DOING THE BEST ANY PARENT CAN. SHE NEEDS ADVICE ON DEALING WITH THE POTENTIAL DISORDER, NOT HER CHILD, NOT WITH PUNISHMENT. 

And exactly how old are you, since you're "a kid?" And more importantly, what gives you a damned clue about raising kids?


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## XGuy (Jan 28, 2007)

Bleh I'm done, your twisting my words, judging me, pretending to know about me, and *just plain angry* and vile. This thread isn't supposed to be about me.


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## Wagimawr (Jan 28, 2007)

If your words are constantly being twisted, then perhaps you should take the care to write stronger ones in the first place.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

XGuy said:


> Bleh I'm done, your twisting my words, judging me, pretending to know about me, and *just plain angry* and vile. This thread isn't supposed to be about me.



I'm QUOTING you. The point is, your advice could end up with her daughter DEAD. I'm not pretending to know anything about you, and unless you have a fatal disease or a substance addiction, you can't even GUESS what anorexia nervosa feels like. So yeah, DO be done, because you don't know jack.

And yes, I am angry with you, because it's triggering as hell to see someone say something like, "Oh, just punish her." It won't fix shit! It reminds me this approach DOESN'T WORK. IT REMINDS ME HOW FUCKING HOPELESS THIS DISEASE IS. You're issuing advice to make the disease worse and you don't even care.

ETA: Oh, and VILE is issuing advice that will aid in killing someone. THAT'S vile.


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## XGuy (Jan 28, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> If your words are constantly being twisted, then perhaps you should take the care to write stronger ones in the first place.



I would but quite frankly I am stumped here. The quotes I am reading are still very clearly referring to the act of physically refusing (and skipping) seeing the doctor, and not the eating disorder.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

XGuy said:


> I would but quite frankly I am stumped here. The quotes I am reading are still very clearly referring to the act of physically refusing (and skipping) seeing the doctor, and not the eating disorder.



You see the doctor to start curing the potential disease. It can also be the start of someone's death. If it becomes about punishment for being thin and refusing to see the doctor, it becomes about the eating disorder. Are you THAT dense? 

As Laina pointed out, if she's punished for not going to the doctor, she KNOWS she's "succeeding" at becoming deathly thin. When I'm in relapse, when people are disgusted at my bones, I'm glad. 

You know nothing about this disease.


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## XGuy (Jan 28, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> You know nothing about this disease.



You could have provided that simpler explanation a while ago. I never claimed my sole opinion was the only way to go. I just was trying to say it seems to me it would be worse off to skip the doctor appointment... just say you disagree with me, that works. I don't like to argue, but I will defend myself.

And I'm sorry if I was offensive calling it a emotional problem, in my head emotion = psycological. My hardships don't really compare, though I was essentially rejected by my parents over my sexuality- in fact I was forced to see a doctor. But what I witness is my brother who was adopted from not one, but two sets of abusive parents that abondoned him as soon as they didn't want him anymore. I think that could qualify as psycological issues.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

XGuy said:


> You could have provided that simpler explanation a while ago. I never claimed my sole opinion was the only way to go. I just was trying to say it seems to me it would be worse off to skip the doctor appointment... just say you disagree with me, that works. I don't like to argue, but I will defend myself.



No, you think you have ANY clue about this when your way will cause more harm than good. It's the same as saying? "You think your child's on fire and she won't let you throw water on her? Put gasoline on her! That will teach her!" 

I NEVER SAID SHE SHOULD SKIP THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. THERE IS NO OPTION ON GOING. THIS MCCALL'S BULLSHIT OF SAYING, "OKAY, SALLY, YOU CHOOSE THE CONSEQUENCE," IS EXACTLY THAT. QUIT WATCHING ABC SPECIALS ON PARENTING AND ANOREXIA NERVOSA AND JOIN THE REST OF US IN THE REAL WORLD.

Think I'm being harsh? Too bad! Don't trivialize this disease and make it an issue of parent/child control and I won't be "vile." Hurting your precious feelings is a hell of a lot better than letting you get away with stupid advice that could kill someone. 

And piss on your faux civility and claiming I was unclear. EVERYONE GOT THE POINT EXCEPT YOU.


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## XGuy (Jan 28, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I NEVER SAID SHE SHOULD SKIP THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. THERE IS NO OPTION ON GOING.



What should she do then if her daughter outright physically refuses to go to the doctor appointment?


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## Wagimawr (Jan 28, 2007)

Take her anyway, would be my guess, but I'll leave a definitive answer to our expert.


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## XGuy (Jan 28, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> Take her anyway, would be my guess, but I'll leave a definitive answer to our expert.



Right I'm just saying it is hard to take a teenager somewhere she/he absolutely refuses to go. It's not like you say it three times and they magically do so...


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## Wagimawr (Jan 28, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> She doesn't get the option of saying no to a doctor's appointment. There's no consequence if she doesn't go, but she has to go. What will happen if she doesn't go? There's no option not to go. Teenage girls don't usually resort to violence in this situation. Despite your lack of understanding, people with eating disorders are human who care about the feelings of their mothers. My mother came to me and said she was worried and she could not be at peace until I went to the doctor and was honest about everything. I went to the doctor and was honest about everything.


To save her the trouble of repeating herself, I think this is the right answer.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

XGuy said:


> What should she do then if her daughter outright physically refuses to go to the doctor appointment?



For fuck's sake... Like she'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming? 

People with eating disorders are pretty damn smart and sensitive. I would go to the doctor if my boyfriend or mother or brothers or anyone else came to me and said, "I'm worried. PLEASE go to the doctor and put my mind at ease." If someone is genuinely worried, most eating disordered people are not such pricks that they'll refuse to go to the doctor. We're HUMAN, believe it or not.

If she is the antithesis of every ED patient I have ever encountered after being in one inpatient, three outpatient programs, and to all sorts of doctors, then fucking call 911 and have them DRAG her to the ER. Talk to her doctor, teachers, ANYONE. 

Do you specialize in asking asinine questions?


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

XGuy said:


> Right I'm just saying it is hard to take a teenager somewhere she/he absolutely refuses to go. It's not like you say it three times and they magically do so...



You're very lucky this isn't in person we're having this conversation. Very lucky.

TEENAGERS ARE PEOPLE. SHE WANTS HER MOTHER TO BE HAPPY.

And moving a 104 lb. minor is NOT very hard. If someone's child is truly in danger and out of control, CPS will HELP CC take her child to get appropriate doctor attention.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jan 28, 2007)

I'm gonna jump in here for a sec.

What do you do if your teenager refuses to go?

There is no choice. She goes. She gets no other option.

Let me relate this to you in a story from my teenage years.

I was a fat kid - well over 300 lbs at 16. My mother one day left an article from the local paper on the kitchen table for me. It was about an 18 year old girl who was the first person to have WLS in our area. I was confused and asked my mother if she was thinking about having WLS. She said - "No, I was thinking about you having it." Now I said NO - but I also knew if she pushed it I would be having the surgery - or at least seeing a surgeon. There would have been no option.

My sister - the rebel - who never did anything my parents asked or told her to do, started fainting at inconvenient places and times for no reason my parents could think of for a few months when she was 19. She was starving herself - but said nothing to my parents. When she did this once too often in front of my parents my mother demanded she see a doctor the next day. My mom took her to the Doctor. PERIOD. There was no option.

Do you get it now? There is no option - you go.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 28, 2007)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> What do you do if your teenager refuses to go?
> 
> There is no choice. She goes. She gets no other option.



Exactly.

No choice.

End of story.


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## XGuy (Jan 28, 2007)

Okay I apologize, apparently I misunderstood the description of refusing to go. If you guys are confident she would really go then obviously punishment would be completly unneccesarry. You obviously have more experience with teenage girls than I do, and believe you. All my opinion was based on the idea that she would absolutely _physically_ refuse to go.

I beleive what we just had might have been the most heated communication error I have ever been a part of :doh:

P.S. I in no way meant to imply that girls with ED's are not smart or sensitive.


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## GWARrior (Jan 28, 2007)

Dont worry XGuy, I completely get what you were trying to say.


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## CuteyChubb (Jan 29, 2007)

Thanks to you all. This is a very confusing thing and obviously very serious. I appreciate the support I find here with you all, my friends. 

Last night, my girl admitted the whole scary thing. She HAS been vomiting. I'm a gullable fool. I suppose I'd just rather not see the whole truth. We went through some tears, hugs, words and came to the conclusion she will be coming with me to see her pediatrician today at 2:15. At that time, I will request a full physical to see what condition she is in, then ask the Doc to point me in the "right direction" wherever the hell that is. I am exhausted. Oh, not to hijack my own thread or anything but to add sugar to all of this bullshit which is now blaring me in the face, I was FIRED. I am not even pissed about b/c I really think it is God's way of giving me the time my girl obviously desperately needs with me. Being a parent is the most difficult job I've ever taken on. I recommend it to anyone. 

Again, thanks. You guys are awesome, truly. :wubu:


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 29, 2007)

CuteyChubb said:


> Thanks to you all. This is a very confusing thing and obviously very serious. I appreciate the support I find here with you all, my friends.
> 
> Last night, my girl admitted the whole scary thing. She HAS been vomiting. I'm a gullable fool. I suppose I'd just rather not see the whole truth.



Wrong. This means you were a good observant mother and found out early before there was long term damage. That means the chances are VERY high you guys will beat this, because of what YOU did. 



> We went through some tears, hugs, words and came to the conclusion she will be coming with me to see her pediatrician today at 2:15. At that time, I will request a full physical to see what condition she is in, then ask the Doc to point me in the "right direction" wherever the hell that is. I am exhausted. Oh, not to hijack my own thread or anything but to add sugar to all of this bullshit which is now blaring me in the face, I was FIRED. I am not even pissed about b/c I really think it is God's way of giving me the time my girl obviously desperately needs with me. Being a parent is the most difficult job I've ever taken on. I recommend it to anyone.



I'm sorry you were fired, but you're right. We get what we need.

One of the best support sites on the internet is http://www.something-fishy.org/


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## XGuy (Jan 29, 2007)

CuteyChubb said:


> Last night, my girl admitted the whole scary thing. She HAS been vomiting. I'm a gullable fool. I suppose I'd just rather not see the whole truth.



A determined teen can be very crafty, the fact that you spotted something attests to your vigilance, dedication, and love!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jan 29, 2007)

XGuy said:


> A determined teen can be very crafty, the fact that you spotted something attests to your vigilance, dedication, and love!



I totally agree here- I puked my guts out in the bathroom many times and no one ever gave a shit in my home. They preferred to simply call me fat and put me down instead. So Kudos to you, CC


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## Laina (Jan 29, 2007)

CuteyChubb said:


> Thanks to you all. This is a very confusing thing and obviously very serious. I appreciate the support I find here with you all, my friends.
> 
> Last night, my girl admitted the whole scary thing. She HAS been vomiting. I'm a gullable fool. I suppose I'd just rather not see the whole truth. We went through some tears, hugs, words and came to the conclusion she will be coming with me to see her pediatrician today at 2:15. At that time, I will request a full physical to see what condition she is in, then ask the Doc to point me in the "right direction" wherever the hell that is. I am exhausted. Oh, not to hijack my own thread or anything but to add sugar to all of this bullshit which is now blaring me in the face, I was FIRED. I am not even pissed about b/c I really think it is God's way of giving me the time my girl obviously desperately needs with me. Being a parent is the most difficult job I've ever taken on. I recommend it to anyone.
> 
> Again, thanks. You guys are awesome, truly. :wubu:



You have no idea the lengths that an ED sufferer will go to in order to hide their disorder. That she admitted anything to you proves that you're not a gullible fool--you're a loving, attentive mother in whom she feels safe confiding. Not every girl is so lucky. I'm glad you caught on early, and I'm glad she told you the truth. I won't tell you it's going to be easy (it's not), but it's a million times easier if she can be honest NOW. She stands a better chance of being honest later.

*hugs*

Once more, so I'm sure you got it: this doesn't make you a bad mother, or her a bad kid. It makes you two wonderful people in a lousy situation.


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