# BHM/FFA stalking question. Kind of a downer thread.



## dwesterny (Nov 4, 2016)

So it occurred to me not too long ago that five or six of my FFA friends have at one point or another had a fat guy stalking them, the danger level has varied between cases for certain but it seems like an alarmingly high number. I mean from my personal experience this is five or six out of 10 or 12 fairly close FFA friends.

I guess my question is; Do you think there is something inherent in the BHM/FFA relationship dynamic that leads to this, some inherent fatty issue or is it something else? Or maybe I'm just making generalizations from a sample size that's too small.


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## Tad (Nov 4, 2016)

I could imagine some possible reasons, but having no data or even anecdotes to back it up, ultimately it would all be wild speculation. I would be very interested to hear what those with experience in this area have to say.


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## Crumbling (Nov 4, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I guess my question is; Do you think there is something inherent in the BHM/FFA relationship dynamic that leads to this, some inherent fatty issue or is it something else? Or maybe I'm just making generalizations from a sample size that's too small.



It's basically poor socialisation, perceived lack of opportunity over time, and under developed social skills. I don't think it's by any means unique to BHM/FFA

It's the same thing we see in 'first posts' here all the time, it's like a kid in a candy store.... except it's not a kid... it's a grown-ass man.

You can excuse and explain away adolescent crushes as part of the process of growing up, hell you might even find it endearing, but the same behaviour from a 400lb man is potentially just frightening and weird.

FWIW, I've been freaked the f*ck out by an FFA in the past, she overstepped some lines and made me feel really uncomfortable, so the kid in the candy store thing can go both ways...

(Though if she reads this... That time you messaged me, I genuinely didn't recognise the events as you described them.. It came to me two weeks later who you were and what you were taking about. I hold no grudge, you did no harm. You were instantly forgiven and I've never thought badly of you... so please don't dwell on it)


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## Xyantha Reborn (Nov 4, 2016)

Been stalked by a BHM - was terrifying.

In his case, i think he had such poor self esteem that he was desperate to see a relationship (that wasn't there like he thought), and then to retain that fantasy in any way, shape, or form he could. Probably because he felt i was his only chance of happiness, the only one who would ever find him attractive.

I think sometimes BHM are socially stunted, and when they get their first taste of appreciation it can make them punch drunk... obsessive.

Disclaimer- Fa can be creepy and stalkerish and over the top too. And this applies to not fat men too. 


I would get seemingly innocous texts and emails that were super creepy - "love the yellow dress you wore yesterday." 

"Sorry for everything, I love you!
...
Answer me you b&$ch!"

"I am so sorry, can't we just talk?"

"Did you enjoy the movie with your asian friend last night?"

Also - he would show up where i was and greet me and pretend like it was a surprise, even though we lived in different cities. Creepy, pathetic, and terryfing all at once. 

and i think some FA like damaged goods/fixeruppers which can contribute to that. Like, they want to feel needed from the clinginess, then shriek when the guys is clingy after breakup too.

Super generalized, i'll try to expand later tonight at home...


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## loopytheone (Nov 4, 2016)

This is an interesting thought. I've had a BHM stalk me in the past, thankfully only online, and it is very unsettling. 

I don't think it is a FFA/BHM thing so much as just a male-female interaction thing in this day and age. Getting stalked is depressingly common for women, especially if you talk to a lot of people either IRL or online.


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## Tad (Nov 4, 2016)

Xy, Loopy -- do you think the guys that stalked you may have had mental health problems in a broader sense? (you may or may not have known them well enough to know, I don't know)


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## Xyantha Reborn (Nov 4, 2016)

I think my stalker was just desperate and unsocialized to be honest. The alternating rage and guilt trips were rather violent, but it felt like the violence of someone who was desperate and abusive, not mentally ill.

That being said, i am not a therapist!


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## Melian (Nov 4, 2016)

I've been stalked by several thin guys, never a fat guy. Honestly, I think your sample size is too small to conclude that it's a fat guy thing - ask all your female friends if they have been stalked, not just the FFAs, and see what results you get (still too small of a sample size, but just for personal comparison).

The fact is that most women will experience some kind of stalking or extreme harassment by a man in their lives. This is just an opinion, but perhaps the FFAs get fat guy stalkers because those are the guys they are engaging, so those are the ones who jump to conclusions the fastest.


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## dwesterny (Nov 4, 2016)

I agree the sample size is too small to generalize, according to the CDC an estimated 25% of all women will experience stalking at some point (that is using the broadest definition of stalking and I assume they know that it is under-reported). So getting a 50% rate on a small group is not really surprising. Although to be fair I was only going off of unsolicited reportings. I didn't go around asking about it so the number of positives could be low.


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## Melian (Nov 4, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I agree the sample size is too small to generalize, according to the CDC an estimated 25% of all women will experience stalking at some point (that is using the broadest definition of stalking and I assume they know that it is under-reported). So getting a 50% rate on a small group is not really surprising. Although to be fair I was only going off of unsolicited reportings. I didn't go around asking about it so the number of positives could be low.



Oh yeah, it's under-reported. I've had two very serious stalkers (as in, one killed himself after a while), and have never reported anything.


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## dwesterny (Nov 4, 2016)

Melian said:


> Oh yeah, it's under-reported. I've had two very serious stalkers (as in, one killed himself after a while), and have never reported anything.



One friend (from another continent) didn't report it until she was beaten so badly they had to remove her spleen.


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## Melian (Nov 4, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> One friend (from another continent) didn't report it until she was beaten so badly they had to remove her spleen.



Holy shit. Poor girl. 

I've been on the edge of reporting things, but then they....resolve....on their own.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Nov 4, 2016)

Ah but mel maybe its not the stalker, maybe it is the stalkee - because you are an ffa
- maybe we ffa are too hawt to handle and our crazy brings all the stalkers to the yard  jkjk

In all seriousness though, i think that for me adding sexual preference + stalker = made me seriously question if my preferred partner type was damaged as a whole. Clearly not true, clearly didn't drive me away forever...but did make me question how safe it was to be an FFA for a bit while it was happening.

Also, i think the line between stalking and physica violence is important. I was harrassed and terrorized but never touched. Those who are assulted are in a whole other bucket of "even more not ok".

Any men here been stalked by ffa? Shut up dwes.


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## loopytheone (Nov 4, 2016)

Tad said:


> Xy, Loopy -- do you think the guys that stalked you may have had mental health problems in a broader sense? (you may or may not have known them well enough to know, I don't know)



I don't think he was mentally ill at all, in any way. He was just acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum because he couldn't get his own way. 

I honestly think it's kinda dangerous to stereotype stalkers as being mentally ill because a) a lot of them aren't and b) it reflects badly on mentally ill people. As in, people make the assumption that because you are mentally ill, you are inclined towards violent/inappropriate behaviours.

I mean, I'm autistic, mentally ill and have a personality disorder and the amount of negative assumptions people make about these things is really hard.


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## Tad (Nov 4, 2016)

I was asking precisely because I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Media characterizations of stalkers are all over the map -- including characterizing them as mentally ill -- and I don't have the academic background in the area to know what is actually most common. So I was curious about the actual experiences of people.

Sometimes questions really are just requests for information.


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## loopytheone (Nov 5, 2016)

Tad said:


> I was asking precisely because I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Media characterizations of stalkers are all over the map -- including characterizing them as mentally ill -- and I don't have the academic background in the area to know what is actually most common. So I was curious about the actual experiences of people.
> 
> Sometimes questions really are just requests for information.



I apologise if I came off as annoyed? I wasn't at all and I wasn't accusing you of stereotyping people with mental illnesses. We were just mentioning stalkers and mental illness, and stereotypes people have about that (especially those displayed in the media) are a related topic.


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## Yakatori (Nov 5, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> "_..Do you think there is something inherent in the BHM/FFA relationship dynamic that leads to this, some inherent fatty issue or is it something else? Or maybe I'm just making generalizations from a sample size that's too small._"


Assuming there's some verifiable correlation, it would seem more intuitive, for me, to just begin with what's particularly attractive about whichever women we're talking about to any potential stalkers, in general. Which, I realize, might seem like _victim-blaming_; but, nonetheless, isn't predatory behavior normally more selective than random?

Then, given these vulnerabilities as a common denominator, maybe it's subsequently easier to see why such a person would be, perhaps, either more open to a general attraction to a bigger, fatter guy as a result and/or specifically attracted to certain guys for being either big or fat. Consciously or not. 

Like, maybe, a big, fat guy moves slower or tends to allow non-familiars more personal space, and that feels _disarming_ for women who otherwise feel vulnerable. Or maybe there's something about being big or fat that repels people who're either aggressive or unkind. And that's, even if indirectly, attractive to someone who's otherwise magnetic for such abusive personalities.

Would that be politically incorrect?


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## Leem (Nov 5, 2016)

I do feel what you are saying is blaming the victim. It is not the traits of the victims that should be researched but the traits of the stalker. I am sure that different stalkers are attracted to different types of women but that stalkers will tend to have some traits in common.

To return to the subject of FAs being stalked, I suspect that it is a combination of factors. I can see how someone with their first taste of mutual attraction can become a bit stalkerish, much like a high schooler with their first boy/girlfriend. You can tend to become a bit obsessive with your first couple of relationships and don't really know how to deal with the flood of emotions and chemical reactions in your brain never having dealt with them before. Compound that with the worry that you will never find some one again and society's message that there is one true love for everyone combined with social immaturity you kind of have a perfect storm for a bit of stalkerish behavior. 

I would suggest that true stalkers are probably at the same per capita percentage in both fat and non fat people.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Nov 5, 2016)

Yakatori said:


> ...Like, maybe, a big, fat guy moves slower or tends to allow non-familiars more personal space, and that feels _disarming_ for women who otherwise feel vulnerable. Or maybe there's something about being big or fat that repels people who're either aggressive or unkind. And that's, even if indirectly, attractive to someone who's otherwise magnetic for such abusive personalities.
> 
> Would that be politically incorrect?



I don't find fat guys less dangerous, personally. In terms of personality, a few people on Dims have met me, and I don't think any would describe me as a softy, or a victim. I own what has happened to me in the past because it changed who I am, but I will shiv you with a bar of soap if you cross me 

In all seriousness, however, I think that perhaps some of the BHM who have exhibited this sort of behaviour feel an additional sort of desperation than the average guy might. It is like finding a unicorn; the idea of finding a second may seem impossible. 

In terms of FFA exhibiting the same behaviour, I think there is also a set of characteristics where we also get that sort of ohmergawd its a unicorn!...and that is guys who are comfortable being fat/eating/don't make us feel weird. 

Mayhap the two meet for a perfect storm, adding ontop of all the daddy issues and (possible) mental or social issues? *shrug*


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## rellis10 (Nov 6, 2016)

I can only really echo some of the other thoughts here.

Perhaps it boils down to an increased likelihood of having a childhood/early life being somewhat devoid of sexual attraction and affection. If someone grows up with little to no encouragement in that respect they can just get fixated on something/someone when they find that sexual outlet.

I'm not saying every fat guy hasn't experienced that exposure, but you know how kids are. Fat kids get bullied, their appearance and attractiveness mocked so their self worth is degraded.

It doesn't make stalking acceptable, but it's a possible reason why it's maybe more prominent in BHM/FFA situations.


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## agouderia (Nov 6, 2016)

Stalking - apart from the very few cases where it down to a mental illness - is a form of non-adapted social behavior which comes from lack of exposure, practice, role models in combination mostly with a personality inherent deficiences in communicative abilities.

What many posters have already written - for BHMs it often is the result of the social stigma growing up that isolates them from the normal adolscent experimenting phase in communicating with the other gender, learning to manage their expectations, etc.
The perceived FFA-unicorn quality also will play a role, as Xy mentioned.

That you have more male than female stalkers in general though has something to do with societal expectations of men taking on a more pro-active to aggressive role in interactions. 

That pattern isn't restricted to BHMs though, but you can find it in all groups that for whatever reason grew up isolated from normal daily social peer interaction: kids who have attended single-ed schools or even more frequently military academies, your regular nerd who spends his adolescence mainly with inanimate objects - but also those who come out of religious contexts with extreme sex-segration. (The latter being the root cause for the issues you currently find in many European countries).

Lesson - make sure all boys and girls interact as much and as freely as possible growing up, fight the inherent conformity and discrimination drive in youth groups by teach them the ground rules of fairness. Will make a better and safer communication environment for all.


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## rabbitislove (Nov 6, 2016)

I agree with most posts, too small a sample size.

That being said growing up I was sexually assaulted by larger men. Once by a family of a friend, once by my boyfriend at the time. Ive been in two abusive relationships, both of which have been with fat guys. I think in my case because Im an FFA, I ended up meeting the abusive types who were fat. In the case of being assaulted, I believe entitlement, poor socialization, and for my ex boyfriend, anti-social personality disorder played a role. I think low self esteem played a role as well. 

Ive said it before and Ill say it again. I strongly believe sexism hurts men as much as it hurts women and produces an unhealthy dynamic between the sexes. In my experiences, the abusers have had low self esteem and felt angry and entitled to have as many women as possible, yet angry at the world and women for that not happening. Western society is a tough place for fat men and the combination of dealing with fatphobia and toxic masculinity can be a molotov cocktail. Im saddened to see it is all too common experience for the other women on the board.

On the other hand, I feel fortunate to have met (and to be dating one of the) so many great men through this board who are caring, respectful and speak out when these kinds of things happen.


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## dwesterny (Nov 6, 2016)

What about the difference between violent and non-violent cases? I mean I remember at sixteen my friend kept having me drive him (he didn't have a license at the time) to sit and look at the house of the girl who dumped him. It was creepy and uncool but there was no anger in it. More like a sad hope combined with luxuriating in self-pity.

Obviously in retrospect I should have refused to drive him but I was 16 and had never even heard of stalking.


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## stevita (Jan 5, 2021)

I have been stalked and abused by one of my previous partners. Yes, he happened to be fat, but I don't think his fatness had anything to do with his behavior. The fact of the matter is I gravitate towards fat men as a default. This particular man just happened to have issues with his mother and issues with control. I've been with a lot more fat guys who were perfectly respectful.


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## littlefairywren (Jan 8, 2021)

I've been stalked on-line and it was by an ex-Dimmer. It started after I posted a pic of my thighs on here years ago. He started messaging me quite intensively, demanding to have me say I thought he was attractive. He kept insisting that because he was fat and found fat women desirable, then fat women should then in turn find him desirable. It didn't matter that I told him it didn't work that way. 

It was the days of YIM and whenever I'd log in, he'd be waiting always. I even staggered the times I logged in, but he was there as soon as I switched on. He started getting aggressive because I didn't want to talk to him in terms of a possible relationship. I ended up having to block him completely, here, YIM and even my FB (where he found me).

I really didn't know how to handle him and the thing is, I felt guilty for posting my pic, like I'd encouraged him in some way. 

In his case, I do think it was lack of socialisation and inexperience with women, because of his size. He internalised his frustrations and got extremely angry at what he most desired. His behaviour was definately not indicative of most BHM's though, just a possible combination of environmental factors, media etc. 
Either way, it was extremely unsettling and even writing about it has made me tense.


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## LuvsBustyBBW (Jan 10, 2021)

I've had a few female stalkers and can only imagine how horrible it must be for a female being stalked by a male. 
It's a sign of mental illness, an inability to accept rejection or a breakup gracefully. 
I've had my home broke into, neighbors asked for info, friends harassed online, assaults, hours of verbal abuse, restraining orders not believed, witnesses ignored and restricted from providing evidence in court to support a restraining order. I've had to move, change my number numerous times. 
As a male, there is less fear of physical harm, but still destroys your life and feeling of security. My heart goes out to all females being abused by a stalker.


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## Wanderer (Mar 5, 2021)

More bluntly: There's nothing inherent in the BHM/FFA relationship that produces stalker situations and types. Stalking behavior is basically a form of delusional entitlement and ownership, and that can happen in any relationship, whether it's of the "You're mine, you CAN'T leave" type or the "I can't live without you, you MUST stay" type. Heck, in the UK, most stalkers are former boyfriends and girlfriends and spouses. You read that right -- while women (8%) are about four times more likely to be stalked than men (2%, both numbers as of 2009 survey), it does happen. (Note, however, that those who stalk men are almost equally male and female -- those who stalk women are more than twice as likely to be male.)


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