# BHM but not a FA, how to change?



## Peter_emrys (May 9, 2019)

So I am a BHM, not by choice, 6'0" 250 lbs, and I am a loser in love. Despite being 25, I have never even been kissed or been on a real date. I want to find a woman I could potentially spend my life with, but the problem is I am not a FA. I have found many types of women physically attractive from petite (my ideal) to noticably overweight, but I've yet to find a woman as obese as me or close to whom I have been physically attracted, even if I know they are great and lovely people. Now I know petite, average, and slightly overweight FFAs exist, but you have to admit they are very much the minority among both women those sizes and FFAs. So the odds of finding a woman like this who ALSO would desire me despite my lack of experience and history of mental health issues AND ALSO be compatible as friends, partners, and lovers are slim to none. (Particularly concerned about being compatible lovers because I am very curious and interested in exploring or trying out aspects of ethical non-monogamy, group sex, and BDSM. Wouldn't say being into that stuff is necessary, but at least would need to be open about experimenting and sharing fantasies and desires without judgement. Also not into feedism or fat fetish.)
The numbers suggest that the only way I can realistically find a woman to love is if I become a FA or bisizual to increase my dating pool, but I don't know how to do that. I have tried looking at images and porn of BBWs and forcing myself to think "I am so attracted to her" but it hasn't worked, I just feel neutral. Is there anything else I can do to become genuinely attracted to BBWs?


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## Shh! Don’t tell! (May 9, 2019)

Let me tell you a story. When I was maybe four, I would get up early every morning to watch Sesame Street. When Cookie Monster came on the screen, I would get very excited, because there was an episode that sometimes played where he would eat a giant cookie. I didn’t know why I liked this so much. I just knew I liked the idea of someone eating a giant cookie. At that age, at four, before I was a sexual being, I would fantasize about people eating and getting fat -the thought was endlessly pleasurable and I could play with scenerios in my head for hours. In my experience preferring fat partners is what happens when a kid who’s wired like that grows up. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember; I wouldn’t be surprised if I was born this way. I certainly didn’t train myself to prefer fat to thin by watching porn. I don’t think you can change yourself to be this way.


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## Peter_emrys (May 9, 2019)

Then what can I do, just give up on finding a partner to experience mutual desire?


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## landshark (May 9, 2019)

@Peter_emrys, you can’t force yourself to like something you don’t. You’re also not obligated to like big girls just because you’re a BHM. Without knowing you or the mental health issues you mentioned about yourself, I would offer a good place to start is just being willing to value yourself appropriately. This means not limiting yourself to big girls just because you’re a big guy. If you’re not attracted you’re not attracted. Personality matters and all but if that physical attraction isn’t there to spark it, it’s hard to impossible to force it.

Don’t feel guilty for that. It’s natural.


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## Peter_emrys (May 9, 2019)

I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It is not severe enough to ever affect my ability to function on a daily basis, but it is almost always present in the back of my mind. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty about not being attracted to big girls. But I also know that dating is a numbers game and just figured the odds of finding a woman close to my age who would be able to look past it and my lack of experience and also be compatible are small enough without looking for that in the unicorn that is the petite or average weight FFA. I'm sure she exists, I just can't envision any realistic way to find her.


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## DragonFly (May 9, 2019)

Going out and living life is how you are going to find your one! At 6 foot and 250 pounds, you are well within what is acceptable for men. The world looks at men and women differently! I would suggest trying out the “scene” you think you may be into. There are often conventions, with big exhibit halls and booths. I’ve heard of other people being able to connect in that environment.


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## loopytheone (May 10, 2019)

Well if you look around these forums, and the BHM/FFA boards in particular, you'll find that thin/average sized FFAs are probably, if anything, more common than fat ones. Which makes sense, because non-obese people are more common than obese people, and being attracted to fat partners isn't related to your own size at all. Seriously, read the BHM/FFA section in the library and take notice of how many of the FFAs there are thin/average compared to how many are fat too. 

You're not obligated to be attracted to people of every size and I honestly don't understand why you have the idea in your head that fat women are more likely to be compatible with you. I do think it sounds like you are putting too much emphasis/pressure on finding a partner though. Go out and have fun, do fun things, and try not to pressure yourself about it.


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## landshark (May 10, 2019)

Some great advice, OP. That goes back to valuing yourself too: don’t over emphasize having a partner because you’re attaching too much self worth to that. Also you risk trying to force things if you continue to over emphasize it. 

So you asked how to change and I think instead of grappling with how to change to like something you don’t naturally like, grapple with changing how you value yourself. If I had to guess, that depression you mentioned probably stems in part from a sense of inadequacy because you don’t have the partner you want. It’s great to want a partner, natural even. But you can’t let it be the definitive factor in how you see yourself. Reprogram that and you likely solve more than one personal problem!

Oh and make no mistake: plenty of smaller women want big guys like you. You do have to be willing to put yourself out there, deal with rejection, and take chances. But even if you’re not looking for opportunity actively always be ready because you never know when it will present itself.


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## Anjula (May 10, 2019)

I know this is gonna sound bitch as fuck but that was the dumbest post I’ve ever read. Literally wtf dude. 
_____

Firstly, one does not simply become an fa. You’re either attracted to fat or not. For me, and for a lot of people who, excuse me for bluntness, truly get off to fat, it’s like being gay. You can’t do shit about it, your brain and body simply reacts to that. Sure, I can fuck a 200lbs guy but am I gonna enjoy it? Nah. 

Secondly, you’re a 25yo, if you’re not happy with how you look get your ass to the gym. Lose the weight, easy fix. 

Last but not least your weight is not an issue. Your kinks are not an issue. There are woman in all shapes and sizes into all kinds of stuff. Look around, maybe go out once in a while. And maybe talk to some therapist about confidence and social skills. That would benefit you much more than jerking off to stuff that doesn't excite you just to re-wire and find “love”.


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## BigElectricKat (May 10, 2019)

Folks here all have great advice for you. I’m not sure if my two cents helps the situation or not but here goes.

First, I completely understand the emotional need/biological imperative to find companionship. And I also know what it’s like to feel like you are in a desperate battle against the odds to find that ‘perfect fit’. But if all of my years of life experience has taught me anything, it’s that the perfect person for you or anyone else is not out there. There is no one person that will embody each and every character or physical trait you seek. That person just doesn’t exist. What I suggest is that you list 3-5 traits that you must have (deal makers) and 2-3 that you just can’t take (deal breakers). Look for the deal makers in prospective paramours and then work through everything else with them.

Secondly, there is no law (written or unwritten) that says you MUST like BBWs of any size just because you consider yourself a BHM. That’s like saying that because I’m short, I MUST date short women (I have on rare occasion but the majority have been taller than me). Again, if a woman possesses a few of your preferences (deal makers), you should take the time to get to know her and delve deeper into her personality. Only time and communication will tell if you are truly compatible.

Lastly, lay off the porn. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. If you’ve never been kissed, never made love to a woman (in reality), and/or never had a relationship as you say, and are very inexperienced, watching porn is not going to help. Watching porn is going to give you the wrong ideas about most women and will undoubtedly make you have unrealistic expectations that no one is going to be able to meet.

I would suggest that you get out into the real world. Combat your fear and self-doubt. Meet people and get to know them as friends. Stop lamenting your inadequacies and get in the game, dude.

And stop worrying about “the numbers game”. Yes, the law of averages basically says that the more times you try the more likely you are to one day succeed. But find a mate (soul or otherwise) is not like shooting hoops. It’s more like playing the lottery. And in the lottery you don’t increase your chances of winning the jackpot by buying more tickets (contrary to what just about every lottery player thinks). There’s only one winning combination so only one ticket will win. That’s not to say that you won’t find more than one gal with whom you can start a relationship with, but really if you want the ‘perfect fit’ you will have to hold out for possibly that one person who fits the bill.


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## Peter_emrys (May 12, 2019)

Thanks to (most of) you all for replying and trying to help.

@loopytheone Wait, really? I was always led to believe that the vast majority of women attracted to fat men were also fat. I'll have to look in on that.

@happily_married I know that is a big root to my depression, I just can't seem to figure out a way to break the cycle. I am depressed because everything I have experienced tells me that practically no woman would want to be with me. The biggest reason hardly any woman would want to be with me is because I am depressed. It just feels like I am stuck and there is no way out.

@Anjula From the bottom of my heart, fuck you! I figured if there was ONE place on the internet where I could mention my weight and not be shamed with "just lose the weight, you're a young guy so it's easy," it would be here. Well you know what, a few years ago I DID lose the weight. I hated every single second of it because I had to constantly monitor and berate myself to keep from eating anything enjoyable and after every workout I would feel so depressed for hours I was borderline suicidal, but yeah, it was definitely "easy". Got down to 190 and you wanna know something? I STILL LOOKED FAT!!!!!! My measurements did not change, my photos did not change, literally no one who didn't already know I was trying to lose weight and therefore had confirmation bias could tell the difference! I may have not been obese according to BMI at that time but as far as everyone else was concerned I still was because I still looked fat. But I guess I should have just stuck with it because clearly it must have been my fault since it is such an "easy fix", the great Anjula said so. Sincerely, fuck you and the judgmental horse you rode in on!

@BigElectricKat I know I am not looking for a 'one' but my bare minimum dealmaker, mutual attraction despite all my flaws, already eliminates enough of the population that I might as well be looking for "the one" out of millions. And believe me, I know of the "evils" of porn, and while frankly I think it's overblown, (I mean, it's not like I watch fantasy and then get disappointed that someone doesn't have magical powers) I keep perspective by doing a lot of listening and reading about the sexualities and experiences of "real" women*. It's just a form of entertainment and fantasy for me, not instructions. Except for a couple of educational pornos directed by actual sexologists, but that's besides the point. And I may in theory not have to worry about the numbers game and should just hold out, but in reality, I have a finite amount of time to find someone, especially if I want to find someone to have kids with before we're both too old to do it safely. 

*don't love phrasing it that way since it implies that porn stars are not "real" women with their own personal sexualities when they are not in front of the camera and somewhat even in front of it, but couldn't think of a better way to put it


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## [email protected] (May 12, 2019)

Everyone has their own preferences and in my experience you can't really change what you like (when my ex lost a lot of weight, I tried to condition myself to like muscular/fit guys and I just couldn't). Like others were saying there are a all kinds of girls out there who are like bigger guys (I personally like the contrast between myself and a bigger guy). Half the battle is just getting out there since you never know where/when you will find someone. I personally found someone whose 5ft9in and about 250 (a bit small for me) on tinder of all places. Even if a girl isn't a ffa confidence is key (even if you have to fake it until you make it). In terms of experience there are some tips but most of it has to do with chemistry between people.


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## LeoGibson (May 12, 2019)

I guess reading comprehension is not your strong suit huh?

That’s not what Anjula said. She elaborated further down in case you quit reading after that paragraph stuck in your craw. 

It’s not your weight. It’s you. Period. There are women of all shapes and sizes that like bigger guys. If you don’t like you, then fix you. That’s what Anjula was saying. That’s not bad advice either because truth be told you should never count on someone else for your happiness. They should add to your happiness not be the sole reason for it.


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## Peter_emrys (May 12, 2019)

she said,


Anjula said:


> if you’re not happy with how you look get your ass to the gym. Lose the weight, easy fix.


How am I supposed to take that except "You have no right to not like your body because you can just choose to not be fat anymore, it's easy!" Throwing in as an afterthought that the weight isn't the real issue doesn't negate her dismissing all my concerns as being up to a deliberate choice to be fat, like everyone else on the internet. And you think I don't know that? I know having a girlfriend won't magically make my depression go away, but it will help me get past the biggest mental block to improving, that I am undesirable and therefore can never find love. Besides, what's the alternative, not want to find love at all, lie to myself and say it doesn't matter to me in the slightest?


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## LeoGibson (May 12, 2019)

I’m trying to decide if you’re being willfully ignorant because you just like being a part of outrage culture and playing the victim or if you truly don’t understand the point she was trying to make to you. 

That point was that,

1. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not. 

2. If you think your body size and shape is holding you back then do something to change that while you’re young and able. 

3. Seek some kind of support or professional help to help you gain confidence and boost your self-esteem so that you can get out there and meet people and try and build a relationship.


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## DragonFly (May 13, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> she said,
> 
> How am I supposed to take that except "You have no right to not like your body because you can just choose to not be fat anymore, it's easy!" Throwing in as an afterthought that the weight isn't the real issue doesn't negate her dismissing all my concerns as being up to a deliberate choice to be fat, like everyone else on the internet. And you think I don't know that? I know having a girlfriend won't magically make my depression go away, but it will help me get past the biggest mental block to improving, that I am undesirable and therefore can never find love. Besides, what's the alternative, not want to find love at all, lie to myself and say it doesn't matter to me in the slightest?


It may be possible in the short term to lose weight. For you, you did it once and made you miserable. I like big guys. I kinds like the furry, I’m a sucker for a great pair of lips and long strong arms that will fit around my supersizes body. That is just the physical part. If my perfect looking guy had no confidence, felt he was unworthy and was depressed, it would never happen between us. I’m of course assuming he is into me. 

My suggestion of checking into the alternative lifestyle community is a serious one. There all types of people at those gatherings. It would be a way to check off some of the less common traits in a partner that you are looking for.

My next suggestion is for therapy, if you aren’t already seeing a therapist. Having that depression and anxiety following you around all the time is not how life is supposed to be. Medications are also there to help get you this tough spot. 

I can’t think of a bbw that would want to be with someone that had to convince themselves that they like bbws. 25 is young.


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## Peter_emrys (May 13, 2019)

DragonFly said:


> My next suggestion is for therapy, if you aren’t already seeing a therapist



Already on antidepressants. As for therapy, unfortunately my insurance situation is complicated by the fact that my provider uses a very very very small company for out of network mental health, so I have had trouble finding a therapist. Not that thrilled on the idea any way. The last one I went to spent weeks wasting my time going "so how does that make you feel" despite me knowing exactly how I felt and asking for ways to stop feeling that way. Then she ended our last session by saying pretty much exactly what anjula said "if you think the weight is an issue, then just lose it, it's always so easy for a guy your age." So yeah, not eager to go through that again, I hear "just get your ass to the gym, its almost impossible for a guy your age to stay fat" enough on the internet already.

Also, not quite sure what you are referring to with alternative lifestyle communities. You mean like non-monogamy or BDSM community?


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## DragonFly (May 13, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> Already on antidepressants. As for therapy, unfortunately my insurance situation is complicated by the fact that my provider uses a very very very small company for out of network mental health, so I have had trouble finding a therapist. Not that thrilled on the idea any way. The last one I went to spent weeks wasting my time going "so how does that make you feel" despite me knowing exactly how I felt and asking for ways to stop feeling that way. Then she ended our last session by saying pretty much exactly what anjula said "if you think the weight is an issue, then just lose it, it's always so easy for a guy your age." So yeah, not eager to go through that again, I hear "just get your ass to the gym, its almost impossible for a guy your age to stay fat" enough on the internet already.
> 
> Also, not quite sure what you are referring to with alternative lifestyle communities. You mean like non-monogamy or BDSM community?



I’ll start at the last question! Yes I’m saying check out on of the conventions they have. You came here for questions about fat, go to the experts about the other things you are interested in considering. 

Not once did I say go to the gym and lose weight. That from your report really did seem to make things worse. 

Sorry you didn’t have the right therapist. That is so hard when the person you see is not understanding of what you need and on top of that very fat phobic.

I also think you may want to give some thought to your own fat phobia and fat hate towards yourself. Many times here people have given you sound and caring advise. Your assumption that fat on fat is the norm and you blaming your weight on your lack of partnership, a kiss, and depression, is classic fat hate. 

I’ve interacted with many of the people who are taking their time to try and help. They are sincere and giving you their time to help. After reading through your initial post a few times. I have to say you need to accept and embrace your physical self and work on your confidence. Please know it is not your poundage that is not attracting a partner.


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## Peter_emrys (May 13, 2019)

Oh no, I know you didn't suggest the gym, I was referring to anjula and leo.

And I know the fat hate is from the depression, not the other way around, I just feel stuck in this cycle with no way to break out. But logically I know it is the depression that makes me unlovable, not the fat. The weight is just a conveniently placed stick for the depression to beat me with.


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## loopytheone (May 13, 2019)

Okay, I was trying to be sensitive but now I'll try blunt.

Your weight isn't the issue, your attitude is. Nobody wants to be around a person that flies off the handle and gets aggressive and nasty at the slightest thing, like you were with Anjula. She was being blunt and you have a right to be annoyed but to start ranting and raving and swearing at her is a complete overreaction. She was saying it could be a potential option for you, nothing else. You added a lot of 'shaming' and hate to her words that weren't actually there; Anjula is an FFA that is attracted to people much bigger than you. I know you are sensitive and even people mentioning such things hurts, but you need to not lash out and be nasty to other people because of it.

As far as the depression is concerned, I second everything DragonFly says. Though if you are having difficulty with your emotions - tearfulness, intense anger etc - then you should probably try a different type of antidepressant or a higher dose. It can take a while to find something that works for you. 

...I actually emphathise a lot with you, I spent a lot of my life that hurt and upset too. 

DragonFly is also right that it sounds like you have a lot of hate towards fat/fat people, even if you don't openly say so. The best advice I can give for that is to try and make friends with other fat people. Show yourself first hand that being fat doesn't mean a person can't be smart, funny, charming, witty, creative etc etc. And as for yourself, liking your body can seem impossible from where you are now but body-neutrality is something you could achieve, with effort, and I think it would really help you. Like, every day, look in the mirror and say something positive about your body, even if the most positive thing you can think of is 'my body allows me to interact with the world' or 'my organs do a good job keeping me alive'. Try and thank your body for what it does for you everyday, even if you feel like you hate it. You know deep down that you are a person and that you have value, just like everybody else, no matter what you look like. 

I also think that an FFA is honestly the last thing you need. You don't seem like you would want to be with somebody that wanted to touch your fat all the time, who got turned on whenever you gained weight. I get the feeling you would resent that and such a relationship wouldn't be healthy for either of you. 

In the theme of being blunt, you assuming that most FFAs are fat is a pretty big warning sign in terms of you having some internalised fat-phobia. I know what the thought process is there: "Fat women have lower standards and are therefor more likely to accept fat men as partners". There's a few problems with that. 1. Fat women don't have lower standards because we aren't any less valuable than thin women. 2. Fat men aren't 'lower standard' than thin men. 3. Accepting a partner who is overweight isn't the same thing as being an FA/FFA. Lots of people out there will date people who are overweight because they like that person and don't care either way about their weight. F/FAs are attracted specifically to fat people because they are fat, if that makes sense. 

But yeah, enough of my rambling. If you need help or advice with the depression, you can always PM me. I've been through enough therapy for it myself to know the techniques, hah.


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## Anjula (May 14, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> @Anjula From the bottom of my heart, fuck you! I figured if there was ONE place on the internet where I could mention my weight and not be shamed with "just lose the weight, you're a young guy so it's easy," it would be here. Well you know what, a few years ago I DID lose the weight. I hated every single second of it because I had to constantly monitor and berate myself to keep from eating anything enjoyable and after every workout I would feel so depressed for hours I was borderline suicidal, but yeah, it was definitely "easy". Got down to 190 and you wanna know something? I STILL LOOKED FAT!!!!!! My measurements did not change, my photos did not change, literally no one who didn't already know I was trying to lose weight and therefore had confirmation bias could tell the difference! I may have not been obese according to BMI at that time but as far as everyone else was concerned I still was because I still looked fat. But I guess I should have just stuck with it because clearly it must have been my fault since it is such an "easy fix", the great Anjula said so. Sincerely, fuck you and the judgmental horse you rode in on!



Fuck me huh? Well, considering how good in bed I am and how weird your mentality is, that could potentially help you with a lot of your problems  I’m not into mercy fucks tho.

Jokes aside. Dude...

Dims is a wonderful place, we are anything but fat phobic here, no one is blaming your extra weight for your problems (well...you are and this is why I suggested losing it).

Loosing weight and staying skinny is too hard? No fucking shit. I’ve been overweight most of my life, I’ve battled bulimia and body issues for years. I work out 4/5 times a week, I’m a vegan and while I enjoy pretty much everything in moderation these days, If I go crazy on food and drinks I will gain weight. Easily. Do you think most slim people have bomb metabolisms and eat whatever the fuck they want? No sugar, we WORK for it. That’s what life is about. You want something you go after it.



Peter_emrys said:


> I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It is not severe enough to ever affect my ability to function on a daily basis, but it is almost always present in the back of my mind.



Loosing fat is easier than battling depressions, that’s a fact. So that is, probably, why the therapist told you to do just that. There is no magic pill, no magic person, no fairy dust that’s going to fix you. Only you can fix yourself and a good place to start is the gym. Quoting some movie I don’t remember the title of: „exercise produce endorphins, endorphins make you happy(...)”

Also...depression? anxiety? They’re my middle names. I’ve been diagnosed with more mental illness than you can imagine when I was 15. I’ve spend 6months in bed because of the crazy state of my depression, I had a psychiatrist tell me I need to be hospitalized because I’m in such a bad mental state, I’ve been told by other he’s never seen anyone talk about ending their life witth such a bigg smile. I failed university because of mental illnesses, I’ve lost people I cared about, I’ve been through hell. There was a time when my diet consisted of Xanax and more Xanax. Yet here I am, mostly nice human with flourishing social life, a degree and a great job. My secret? I tried (and worked) hard on myself and I (almost) never blamed my ilnesses for my failures.

^I mentioned the above because I’m sick and tired of people using mental illnesses as shields. Yeah, we are sick but it’s OUR job to fix ourselves. Sadly nobody can do it for us...and bitching about it is not gonna help.
You’re 25, it’s your life, take responsibility for it instead of blaming depression, weight and lack of “love” for the shitty state of it. Nobody wants to date a charity case.



Peter_emrys said:


> she said,
> 
> How am I supposed to take that except "You have no right to not like your body because you can just choose to not be fat anymore, it's easy!" Throwing in as an afterthought that the weight isn't the real issue doesn't negate her dismissing all my concerns as being up to a deliberate choice to be fat, like everyone else on the internet. And you think I don't know that? I know having a girlfriend won't magically make my depression go away, but it will help me get past the biggest mental block to improving, that I am undesirable and therefore can never find love. Besides, what's the alternative, not want to find love at all, lie to myself and say it doesn't matter to me in the slightest?



oh boy... you have all the rights to hate your body but you can't blame your weight for being undesirable yet do nothing to change it. That's plain stupidity. Also do you think finding a girlfriend is going to change YOUR perception of yourself? As I've said in my first post, I can't believe you're real. Your logic is so flawn I am honestly thinking you're a troll.

You want to force yourself to like a fat girl in order to get a girlfriend who is magically gonna make you feel better about yourself while you actually hate fat bodies, don't find them desirable and think that fat girls like fat guys because they have low standards. Her feelings aside, how are you gonna feel any better knowing (thinking) she's with you because she can't do any better?

PS. Don’t go knocking on bdsm/poly community doors, we will eat you alive... I'm considered nice in there  



just saying...


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## landshark (May 14, 2019)

Damn, @Anjula that post was...hot.


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## Anjula (May 14, 2019)

happily_married said:


> Damn, @Anjula that post was...hot.


hhahahahahaha I was going for sarcastic / keepin it real kinda vibes but hot works too


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## Peter_emrys (May 14, 2019)

@Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because the dieting and exercise directly made me feel suicidal.

Still, on every other point, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I know it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. You're especially right about my desires. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world and the only ethical thing to do is not inflict myself on someone else. If I can't learn that, then probably for the best that I take myself out of the picture as soon as my mother passes away someday since she's the only person in the world who would be sad to see me go.

And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic. I am sincerely sorry for lashing out at you.


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## BigElectricKat (May 14, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> @Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because it directly made me feel suicidal.
> 
> Still, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I am it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. You're especially right about my desires. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world and the only ethical thing to do is not inflict myself on someone else. If I can't learn that, then probably for the best that I take myself out of the picture as soon as my mother dies someday since she's the only person in the world who would be sad to see me go.
> 
> And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic.



Dude, really? Where is your manhood? Where is your fight? Where is your confidence? You've really got to get out of the 'pity pool' and swim with the sharks for a while. As Anjula mentioned before, most everybody likes a person with SOME confidence. You really have to tell yourself that you are worth it and start acting like it. If this line of statements is being made to elicit pity... then you've made your point. But it's not a good look. You control your destiny. No one else.

AND...
How do you know anything about "vanilla love" if you've never had any. It might be the greatest thing you'll ever experience. You might want to give it a try before trying to run with us big, bad wolves with alternative lifestyles. That might be more than you bargain for. *just sayin'*


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## Anjula (May 14, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> @Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because it directly made me feel suicidal.
> 
> Still, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I am it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world or take myself out of it.
> 
> And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic.



my dude, don't go pity party on me, I've had enough of that in my life. I never said you're a garbage, a loser or unlovable. That being said I stand behind my words, I think your logic is flawed and you should see a therapist and maybe LISTEN to him/her. Internet people won't help you. Kinky community is no place for people without self confidence, you can't be non-monogamous without a huge amount of self awareness and self worth, because it can literally drive you insane, it's a fact. Learn to walk before you learn to run. Learn to love yourself first.


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## Peter_emrys (May 14, 2019)

That's my point, I don't have any fight or confidence, I never have.

No one could ever even tolerate being with me except out of pity = unlovable garbage loser to me.

And that was my point, it is wrong for me to want anything more sexually when I am incapable of even the most basic vanilla relationships. I was saying you were right.

Also, I don't want pity, I want to accept what you have to say, that no one could ever love someone as pathetic as me. If I don't accept that, then sooner or later I will again have hope that I am not unlovable and just feel more pain when I am reminded that I am. I wasn't expecting pity, I was expecting you to agree with my last post, to keep it real.


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## landshark (May 14, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> @Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because the dieting and exercise directly made me feel suicidal.
> 
> Still, on every other point, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I am it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. You're especially right about my desires. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world and the only ethical thing to do is not inflict myself on someone else. If I can't learn that, then probably for the best that I take myself out of the picture as soon as my mother passes away someday since she's the only person in the world who would be sad to see me go.
> 
> And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic. I am sincerely sorry for lashing out at you.



Gag.

Dude, I sincerely wanted to help but I don’t even try with people who won’t help themselves.


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## Peter_emrys (May 14, 2019)

I am sorry. I had a depressive episode today so when I read these replies I felt like you all were saying I am inherently unlovable instead of what you were actually saying, that I am unlovable as long as I have depression. That is entirely on me for reading more into your replies than you meant. But I still stand by what I said. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, the best I could possibly do is learn to manage or contain my depression but it is never going away, I have had it literally as long as I remember, which means I will never experience any intimacy. I can't love myself so I shouldn't expect anyone else to ever love me.

I am sorry for showing all of you the ugliness within me and I am sorry for polluting this forum with my issues. I forgot that this is my burden to bear and no one else's, that the least I could do is not expose my issues to others. Is there a way to delete a thread? I realize that this was a mistake.


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## LeoGibson (May 15, 2019)

It’s ok to feel any way you want. There’s no need to delete anything. As long as you are self-aware enough to know you have a problem, you can fix it. 

If you’re depressed due to a chemical imbalance in your brain a good psychiatrist can help you dial in the right medications to help you fight off the depression and if it’s emotional then therapy can help you learn to control it and how to work around your issues and help you realize a more full life. The question though is whether or not you have enough fighting spirit in you to try or if you’d rather just feel sorry for yourself and do nothing. Either way it’s your choice to make and not making one is still making one. 

Good luck to you.


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## DragonFly (May 15, 2019)

I’m going right back to.... Dude you are 25. You have only just begun your life journey. Get the help you need. We can offer advice all day long, but we are people on the internet. Special people that know fat and the fat way, but we are not professionals. You give a lot of excuses, get some help.


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## landshark (May 15, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> I am sorry. I had a depressive episode today so when I read these replies I felt like you all were saying I am inherently unlovable instead of what you were actually saying, that I am unlovable as long as I have depression. That is entirely on me for reading more into your replies than you meant. But I still stand by what I said. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, the best I could possibly do is learn to manage or contain my depression but it is never going away, I have had it literally as long as I remember, which means I will never experience any intimacy. I can't love myself so I shouldn't expect anyone else to ever love me.
> 
> I am sorry for showing all of you the ugliness within me and I am sorry for polluting this forum with my issues. I forgot that this is my burden to bear and no one else's, that the least I could do is not expose my issues to others. Is there a way to delete a thread? I realize that this was a mistake.




I think you’re missing the point. As John Mellencamp said, “Everyone needs a hand to hold on to.” (You’re 25 so you may have to look that one up on iTunes.) I think the audience here gets that. So when you go saying “it’s my cross to bear and mine alone” that’s not the attitude anyone here is encouraging. 

That self loathing is unattractive no matter what someone’s physical appearance is. Rambling posts about how unworthy you are...hell if you actually believe it I’m sorry to hear that. If you don’t believe it you’d better stop writing that shit because if you say it enough you may start believing it.

Your sense of self worth has to come from you. You may be able to find an external source that will help, but the reboot is all on you. In that sense, yes it is your burden to bear. Self improvement is always one’s burden to bear. But nobody here is saying you have to do it alone. In fact several have encouraged you to keep seeking help.

I’m going to ask you to try something too. Stick around but lay off this thread. Talk about other subjects here on Dims with some of the same people weighing in here. Focus on something other than your own insecurities for a while. Maybe there’s an interest you share with another member here that can be a nice relief valve for you to talk about.

All of us are battling demons in some way shape or form. Every last one of us. You’re not alone in that regard so stop acting like it.


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## FleurBleu (May 16, 2019)

@Anjula 
"exercise produce endorphins, endorphins make you happy(...)”

It's from Legally Blonde and goes "... and happy people don't shoot their husbands." (She is defending an alleged murderer.)


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## Anjula (May 16, 2019)

FleurBleu said:


> @Anjula
> "exercise produce endorphins, endorphins make you happy(...)”
> 
> It's from Legally Blonde and goes "... and happy people don't shoot their husbands." (She is defending an alleged murderer.)


THEY JUST DON’T!


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## Emmy (May 16, 2019)

Peter_emrys said:


> I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It is not severe enough to ever affect my ability to function on a daily basis, but it is almost always present in the back of my mind. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty about not being attracted to big girls. But I also know that dating is a numbers game and just figured the odds of finding a woman close to my age who would be able to look past it and my lack of experience and also be compatible are small enough without looking for that in the unicorn that is the petite or average weight FFA. I'm sure she exists, I just can't envision any realistic way to find her.


women are attracted to confidence. There is nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he wants, and it sounds like you do! Being big probably isn't the issue here, cuz what girl doesnt want to be picked up and twirled around by a big guy


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## lille (May 16, 2019)

Also people with depression are lovable. There’s plenty of us here with mental illness and partners. I have a serious anxiety disorder and have battled depression myself. But you need to work on yourself. I know you said finding a therapist is hard but medications do not change your though patterns and that seems to be a big part of your issue.


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## wrenchboy (May 16, 2019)

First off I understand depression. Because I have depression myself. 

When someone like Robin Williams, Chris Cornell or too many others commit suicide every one says the same thing. "Why didn't he or she get help"
Those people don't understand depression. It is the depression that prevents you from seeking help. A catch 22.
Thank you for seeking help even if it is just this thread. You have helped out more people than you realize. People read this and don't add comments and also are not even a member take something away from this. "Holy crap! I feel like him too" And silently thank all the people that do try to help.
As far as therapy, meds whatever keep trying. There is not a one size fits all. If one med doesn't help try another. If one therapist doesn't help try another until you find one that works for you. 
As far as looking for a mate the number one thing is confidence. We can't say it enough. 
Lastly, the road is a bitch. Life sucks. Nothing in this life comes easy. We ALL have to work hard to get the things that we want. I see you down the road maybe 1 year maybe 5 years and you will look back and see how far you have come and be proud of your self. 
The people that run the Boston marathon start with one step. Some stumble along the way and some finish with glory. 
Dude, It is time to take that step. I don't know you but I believe that you can achieve glory.


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## Starling (May 17, 2019)

Reading through, this thread really went off the rails, so I’m just going to address your first post.

- It’s probably not that helpful for me to point out, but it bears mentioning that 250 is not terribly big. Definitely small enough that you could attract a non-FFA - which might actually be the best type of partner for you right now given your current relationship with your body. Maybe one day you might want to explore an FFA-type relationship, but it sounds more like at this point in time you would prefer someone for whom size isn’t a big factor either way. 

- You aren’t going to become an FA overnight, nor should you. It’s not fair to you to try and make yourself like a certain type of person, and it’s not fair to the potential BBWs you’d date that you had to ‘train’ yourself to like them. I disagree that dating is a numbers game. Most of my relationships have begun because I saw a person I liked and I asked them out. You don’t need to ask out 100 people in the hopes that 1 will say yes. You need to know yourself and read another person well enough that you can ask one person out and have something come of it. Instead of thinking how you can attract the maximum number of women, think of the ways in which you can attract 1 or two women who meet your interests.

- Even if you consider yourself big, there are probably several things about yourself that you like. Do you have killer hair? Nice eyes? Really great teeth? Focus on those things and playing them up. Losing weight can be a real bitch when you’re depressed, and it’s totally fine to think to yourself “I don’t love the way my body looks right now, but I’m still hot”. What’s your skincare routine like? Do you keep your facial hair groomed if you have it? Have you updated your wardrobe recently? These are all small, doable ‘wins’ that you can use to make yourself feel better in the short term.

You aren’t going to love yourself overnight, and that’s totally normal and okay. But you might want to spend some time around the boards - even though people here range from small to supersize, the one thing we have in common is that we think bigger bodies are awesome, beautiful, and cool. You don’t need to think the same, but I hope you find something on here that starts you on a journey to appreciating the package you come in. Good luck with everything, I really do wish you the best!


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Jun 19, 2019)

I'm not as tall or as big as you, but I am clinically "obese" and the last two women I've dated were teeny-tiny, like 112 pounds, one of 'em. One was a hardcore FA which was delightful - i felt like a rock star, getting my fat kneaded, lifted, poked and adored - and the other was into some very kinky stuff I was not into, among other issues precluding a long-term thing.

They are out there. Some are on BHM-lovin' boards, others are not. Who said you have to be attracted to large women, anyway? A dear friend who is over 500 pounds just isn't attracted to fat men, nothing personal.

Hint, too - you might consider not flying off the handle when someone says something that triggers you, especially here, even if it's something that strikes you as ridiculous. One of the complaints I hear from women in their 20s is that men in their 20s are still children except for their grownup bodies. That's why they're really not interested in men their own age with their angst, depression (not to discount the pain and suffering this condition carries with it) rage-fits and astoundingly high rate of petty complaints. (That's why I don't go to Feabie anymore.)

Also, don't get attached to "I'm unlucky in love." It might be right around the corner. Develop a personality that's attractive to women. Read books. Develop interests. (NOT GAMING) Learn a foreign language. Learn to play an instrument, or take a job as lead singer in a hardcore band and vent your rage there and rock your size. Volunteer at a shelter, animal or human. Etc. and so forth and best o'luck. (I met one woman I dated for a few months while volunteering at a Buddhist convention...I liked her when she came to my table. She was skinny-skinny, too, now that i think of it.)

There is one more thing. My life (speaking of myself!) carries with it a daily dose of fun, hardcore fun, belly-laugh fun. Just go out to the supermarket and watch a few humans, then see if you don't start smiling and not taking it all so seriously.


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## kinkykitten (Aug 11, 2019)

My BHM isn’t an FA either... you can’t force it... you like what you like!


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## JayDanger (Nov 7, 2020)

I used to think like you. Any of the dims OG's here might remember me making cringey posts that sound exactly like this one. 

Since I dropped that attitude and started actually living life instead of dwelling on myself in my parents basement, I've had an active dating life that's included men and women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. I've been in monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Some of my relationships have been very serious and emotional, some have been very casual and short-term. I've been actively and heavily involved in my local bdsm scene, my local party scene, and the industry I always fantasized about being a part of. I'm not specifically an FA either (though I def. got love for the thick folk) but that's never stopped me or held me back. 

You can ask for all the advice in the world, complain to any corner of the internet, spend your life savings on therapy, or cling to the comfort of being miserable and having so confidence, or you could hurry up and drop the shit and have literally everything you want in life. The choice is yours dude. You can keep getting owned by cute girls on obscure internet forums like this, or you can take a page from my book and find yourself smoking weed in a hottub with two alternative models while doing a huge line of K off the ass of a third (or in love or whatever.....it's your dream, not mine).

Sidenote: The gym isn't about losing weight to attract a partner. It's about feeling better and feeling good about yourself for accomplishing something. It also literally changes your hormone balance to help you work through depression caused by excess hormones stored in fat cells. That's why doctors and friends and family recommend it.


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Nov 7, 2020)

"depression caused by excess hormones stored in fat cells. "

Interesting, never heard of this. Do you have any pages to link to where experts talk about this? Thanks in advance!


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## Peter_emrys (Nov 7, 2020)

Ah yes, of course, I can just choose to be confident, why didn't I think of that? /s
Seriously, you think I can just decide all of a sudden to think I'm a total Casanova when I have never once experienced what it's like for someone I'm into to be into me?
Also, I know all about what the doctors say about exercise and depression, I get told to do it literally every single time my mental health comes up, even when I didn't ask for their input. And if you read this thread, then you would know that it had the exact opposite effect on me, working out a healthy amount for over a year turbocharged my depression and made me go from frequently down but functioning to regularly suicidal. And I know it was the workouts that caused it because the ideation always started after every single workout, regardless of other factors, and it stopped once I stopped working out.
Also also, I wouldn't qualify being insulted when I was already down on myself "getting owned"


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## stampy (Nov 8, 2020)

@Peter_emrys Your story kind of reminds me of mine, at least some parts, but the conclusions are much different. I am something of a "loser in love" as well. I wondered if it was because I was fat or unattractive or weird, or what, or because of my mental illnesses or physical illnesses, or what in god's name was wrong with me that love never seemed to find me. I also have an interest in BDSM and alternative lifestyles and wondered if that was holding me back. 

But none of that stuff is holding me back. I am the thing that has been holding me back. Whatever you look like, whatever body type you have, whatever problems you have in life, there is going to be someone out there who would love to love you. I have been doing all kinds of internal work, including therapy, medications, and self care, for years. I put in a lot of labor to fix myself. And I was still alone, and still lonely. 

But just recently, I have fallen head over heals in love with the most sexiest, most charming and adorable partner I could ever hope to find. Spoiler alert: that partner is me. Until someone comes along to love me, I have decided to take thing in my own hands and treat myself like my own beloved. And guess what...I'm having the best sex of my life. #PrayingToOnan #masturbationjoke I still feel lonely and alone and often depressed. These things are part of the human condition. But I am not wandering around anymore wondering what is wrong with me or how I need to change myself to find love. I have found love and all I had to do was give up looking and consider my self worth loving and loveable.

I am enjoying my quarantining, finding new hobbies, and offering the love I would give to a partner to myself. There are a hell of a lot of people in the same situation as me, people most of mainstream society would judge as superior to me in every way, that are single. I second everyone else's advice. Go out more when the pandemic is over. Circulate. Go to therapy. Find a place that does income contingent payments and consider it an investment in yourself, or borrow self help books from the library. Fall in love with yourself. Meet your own sexual needs. Enjoy yourself and your time on earth, whether you are alone or with someone. Learn to treat people with dignity and respect, including yourself.

When I was 24, I had never been kissed or been on a date and I wanted love and sex so badly that I ended up meeting a guy who abused me. My first sexual experience was being non-consensually raped far away from home by a stranger who beat me and held me hostage and it was all because of my stupid choices and thinking I needed love. I am dealing with that trauma still and it has made it even more difficult to try to find love. But I know now never to be so desperate again. Don't be desperate. Stay sexy and don't get murdered. 

These are nice people here who tried to help you. It would behoove you to take their advice. 

Love yourself and learn to enjoy your alone time. If you can't enjoy being with yourself, you won't enjoy being with anyone else. Take care of yourself in the best ways you can. Spoil yourself with love and pretend for a while that you are worth loving, and you will someday start believing it. If you don't like the life you have, either change your life or the world, or change your thoughts about your life or the world, or do both. It is hard. I have been working on it for years. it doesn't get easier. but it is worth it and it is important. 

I mean this all in the most supportive and constructive way possible and hope you take it in the spirit it was intended. It is a great day for a great day so go out and try to have one.


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