# You may be a fat boy if...



## Buffetbelly (Dec 15, 2005)

- You use the term "double parking" to describe your need two seats side by side.
- You ask for super size but complain that it looks like a medium size meal.
- You have to literally roll out of bed every morning.
- Your favorite exercise used to be speed walking, but now it's speed waddling.
- Your mouth waters uncontrollably whenever you see or smell food.
- Breakfast, lunch and dinner are all done buffet style!
- You have desserts as part of the appetizers.
- A crowd gathers to watch them change the total amount of burgers sold on the golden arches at McD's after you place 
your order.
- You use a hoola hoop as a belt for your pants.
- Your webcam/camera needs a wide lens to get all of you in.
- Buffet managers fake being closed when they see you coming.
- One motion can set your gut jiggling for hours.
- You have to lift your belly up and set it on the table.
- Sometimes, when you go left your fat goes right.
- When you think of food every 5 seconds.
- When the waitress automatically seats you at a table because you don't have a prayer of fitting in a booth.
- You're really a fat boy when no one else can get into the elevator with you because it will excede the maximum 
weight limit.
- You're really really a fat boy when the elevator doors close on your belly.
- You have to actually count with your fingers to find out how many chins you have.
- You no longer eat between meal snacks because there is no break between meals.
- The love seat in your living room is only big enough for you.
- When you set a beer on your gut and it sinks right in and disappears from sight.
- When sumo wrestlers look at you and say "DAMN!".
- When taking a picture of your gut requires more than one sitting.
- The only way you can find the buttons on your shirt is to have them marked by latitude and longitude!
- You can no longer reach the faucet handles to wash your hands and you have to stand sideways to do it. 
- You can no longer use a urinal because your belly won't let you get close enough to pee!
- You start tripping over objects on the floor or missing steps and curbs because your belly protrudes so much that 
you don't see these things. 
- You can't kneel down in church because you can't push your gut into the pew in front of you far enough to get your 
knees on the kneeler.
- The only way you can dry your feet off after a shower is to use a hair dryer. 
- When airplane tray tables go down about one inch before hitting your belly, rendering them utterly useless.
- You can't see your member.
- Your stomach enters the room several seconds before you do.
- You get turned down to play Santa Claus because the kids couldn't fit on your lap.
- Your girth exceeds your height.
- The new jeans that you bought last month are your thin jeans now.
- You need a mirror to see where your belt buckles.
- When the big and tall store doesnt have your size.
- When it doesnt matter whether or not you're wearing clothes: your privates are always fully covered from view.


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## Buffetbelly (Dec 15, 2005)

Now I don't want to take credit (or blame) for this list --I just compiled it from another BHM board and rewrote a few of them. There are about 20 authors, most prominently Williebear from West Virginia.

Anyone here care to add their own?


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## Obesus (Dec 15, 2005)

Fantastico! Hi-larious! I loved it! (Then again, we all know about my sense of humor! ) Congrats to Williebear for compiling a fun list...and inspiring too!:bow: I can relate to the speed waddling one...my ex-wife is the designated Speedy Gonzales of SF...she zooms! I always have to sing that song "Slow down, you move too fast...gotta' make the morning last.."!!!! Even though I have a creditable voice, she hates the song, so she cringes and goes into fits, but it slows her down a tad! :doh:  ROFL



Buffetbelly said:


> Now I don't want to take credit (or blame) for this list --I just compiled it from another BHM board and rewrote a few of them. There are about 20 authors, most prominently Williebear from West Virginia.
> 
> Anyone here care to add their own?


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## lady of the dark (Dec 17, 2005)

when you have to buy a cell phone, because you can't fit in to a phone booth


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## GunnDancer (Dec 17, 2005)

You might be a fat boy if your car seat is pushed all the way back and your steering wheel is pushed all the up just for you to get in the car.


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 17, 2005)

.... by the time you stand up you need to sit back down.


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## Traci (Dec 20, 2005)

Buffetbelly....As always, you are so marvelous at supplying "les mots justes"...I have missed you (and everyone here) dearly....It is nice to be back and to see all of the usual banter and beautiful bellies!


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## Tad (Dec 23, 2005)

....if you can't see your knees--when you are sitting:shocked:


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## Mercedes (Dec 26, 2005)

That was a really good posting!
:bow:


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## fat hiker (May 3, 2007)

You may be a fat boy if...

your belly bounces off your thighs when you walk/waddle!


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## IMW_NL (May 4, 2007)

...when people use YOU to sit out of the wind or into the shades.


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## Blondeegrldd (May 4, 2007)

:blush: This list... kinda turned me on.


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## Zandoz (May 4, 2007)

When the people behind you on a sunny day need eclipse viewing equipment.

When you can trigger mass panic by entering a furniture store.

When people go out of their way crossing the street because they just know it has to be contagious.

When at the counter of a car rental agency, with a full lot of cars of all sizes out front, you hear "All we have for you is a cargo van".

When if you haven't been called "big guy" at least several times that day, you've been alone all day.

When you're on an elevator, and it stops at a floor before your destination, the folks waiting to get on have a distinct deer-in-headlights look, and nervously say "we'll wait for another elevator".

When you can't go out in public without at least once hearing talk about "Homer".


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## BeeBee (May 4, 2007)

....you are standing in line at McDonalds and your pager starts beeping and someone behind you yells "Look out! He's going to back up"


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## BeeBee (May 4, 2007)

....you can't see where the dial stopped after you broke the bathroom scale.


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## BeeBee (May 4, 2007)

.....it takes your girlfriend/wife 3 minutes to discover your jockey shorts are still on...


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 4, 2007)

HAHAHAHHA! Good one Buffetbelly 


I do admit the girth being greater than height part kind of disturbing though in reference to myself


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## pattycake (May 4, 2007)

BeeBee said:


> .....it takes your girlfriend/wife 3 minutes to discover your jockey shorts are still on...



Good one!


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## fat hiker (May 4, 2007)

IMW_NL said:


> ...when people use YOU to sit out of the wind or into the shades.



Hey, I regularly have friends and family huddle behind me to get out of the wind - never thought of that as a sign of size before though, but you're right!

It's apparently especially effective when I'm wearing my black leather jacket...


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## imfree (May 4, 2007)

I KNOW I'm fat. Even with the seat all-the-way back and the wheel
all-the-way up and in, I still just barely fit in my '83 Cadillac De Ville! That wheel
really pushes hard on my belly.


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## sweetnnekked (May 4, 2007)

Blondeegrldd said:


> :blush: This list... kinda turned me on.



You're such a push-over for a pretty fat boy!!:wubu:


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## BeeBee (May 4, 2007)

...your wife leaves you and writes her goodbye note on your favorite take-out menu, and it really upsets you, she used lipstick and ruined the menu.


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## BeeBee (May 4, 2007)

...you want to get a snack and a beer during a commercial and the couch won't let you up...


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## BeeBee (May 4, 2007)

... your wife/girlfriend wants you to wear a bra, and it isn't some kind of fettish..


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## BeeBee (May 5, 2007)

...you can no longer use second gear on your 4-on-the-floor classic muscle car.


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## BeeBee (May 5, 2007)

...if you have to replace the shocks in the drivers side of your car frequently


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## BeeBee (May 5, 2007)

the hostess in the restaurant gets you a special chair made by the Sampson Truss Company


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## BeeBee (May 5, 2007)

....you have no idea what that double pocket in the front of your jockey shorts is for..


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## BeeBee (May 5, 2007)

...the Highway Patrol stops you on your Harley and informs you that your "Wide Load" sign must have fallen off..


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## RVGleason (May 5, 2007)

Here's my take on Wellington's similar list from a couple of years ago.

RV :eat1: 

View attachment Wells1.jpg


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## Lady Bella UK (May 7, 2007)

I really like the list, it made me smile


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## BeeBee (May 7, 2007)

...you replace your nightstand and alarm clock with a small fridge and microwave next to your bed....


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## RVGleason (May 7, 2007)

Your wife plans a new diet regime for you.

RV :eat1: 

View attachment Bill.jpg


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## FreneticFangs (May 7, 2007)

fat hiker said:


> Hey, I regularly have friends and family huddle behind me to get out of the wind - never thought of that as a sign of size before though, but you're right!
> 
> It's apparently especially effective when I'm wearing my black leather jacket...



hahahahahaha!! I use my boyfriend as a windbreaker all the time


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 7, 2007)

^^LTNS Frenetic- I was wondering what happened to you not long ago


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## FreneticFangs (May 7, 2007)

BeeBee said:


> ...you replace your nightstand and alarm clock with a small fridge and microwave next to your bed....






*innocent face*


I don't know of anyone that has that particular arrangement in their bedroom...


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## FreneticFangs (May 7, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ^^LTNS Frenetic- I was wondering what happened to you not long ago



Hey ^.^
Well I'm back.. briefly. I'm without internet at my place for the moment, which puts a damper on visiting dimensions. sadness. but, I should be back in full swing next month. 
Thanks for missing me!! *hugs*


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## HDANGEL15 (May 8, 2007)

FreneticFangs said:


> Hey ^.^
> Well I'm back.. briefly. I'm without internet at my place for the moment, which puts a damper on visiting dimensions. sadness. but, I should be back in full swing next month.
> Thanks for missing me!! *hugs*


*
HEY FRENETIC......i missed you hon*


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## Tad (May 8, 2007)

BeeBee said:


> ...you replace your nightstand and alarm clock with a small fridge and microwave next to your bed....



*L* Actually I've been meaning to use that in a story sometime, but I just haven't been writing much.

-Ed


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## BeeBee (May 8, 2007)

edx said:


> *L* Actually I've been meaning to use that in a story sometime, but I just haven't been writing much.
> 
> -Ed



Actually it is very handy!!


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## BeeBee (May 8, 2007)

RVGleason said:


> Your wife plans a new diet regime for you.
> 
> RV :eat1:



I got rid of that problem a few years ago...:eat2:


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## BeeBee (May 10, 2007)

...you quit walking next door to the donut shop ...:eat2: 

View attachment Donuts.jpg


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## Tad (May 10, 2007)

......you spend more on food than accomodation.


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## BHM_Toronto (May 10, 2007)

.......you lose the tv remote in your belly


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## Zandoz (May 11, 2007)

When the cat thinks your belly is a nice comfy bed...when you're upright.


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## BeeBee (May 11, 2007)

...you walk around the house and the walls creak and the furniture jiggles and you live in a house with a concrete slab floor..


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## fat hiker (May 11, 2007)

- your daily walk has to include a "doughnut break"
- you arrange bike trips to include regular fast food stops
- the length of time you spend on the beach is measured in how many coolers you have to bring
- your office chair is the same colour as all the others, but not the same width...
- this is your bathroom scale: http://siltec.balances.com/siltec/wsseries.html


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## BeeBee (May 12, 2007)

...you spend a good deal of time explaining to your girlfriend what all those X's before the L in your shirt size just mean extra, extra, extra, extra lovable...


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## IMW_NL (May 13, 2007)

...some colleague shows you this picture in a newspaper and asks if the person in that photo is you.
Some other colleague then responds with:
"Naaaahh! Clearly not! He never eats ice creams thàt small." 

View attachment Resource.gif


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## BeeBee (May 13, 2007)

.....you're on a deep space mission and you have to say -

"Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"

"Aye captain, as soon as the transporter transformers cool off I will, ye know
thar is a limit on how much she will move at one time sir"


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## IMW_NL (May 14, 2007)

> .....you're on a deep space mission and you have to say -
> 
> "Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"
> 
> ...



...That made me think of this, more morbid version of the same gag:
http://www.nozzman.nl/cartoon.php?ID=441


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## BeeBee (May 21, 2007)

....getting into or out of a car is an unstoppable action once you start moving!


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## cammy (Jun 8, 2007)

like thie list!

...zero gravity has no effect on you.


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## TCUBOB (Jun 8, 2007)

....your daily walk is TO the fridge....


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## BeeBee (Jun 12, 2007)

..... the airline pilot comes out of the cockpit and personally asks you to sit in the center section right over the wings.


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## Crumbling (Jun 12, 2007)

...YOU are the landmark friends arrange to meet by.


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## BeeBee (Dec 13, 2007)

....you realize you *have* to put your socks on before your pants...


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## fat hiker (Dec 13, 2007)

...when everyone else is walking over the hard-packed snow, but your boots break right through!


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## Tad (Dec 13, 2007)

fat hiker said:


> ...when everyone else is walking over the hard-packed snow, but your boots break right through!



Everyone waits for you to go out on the river, to see if the ice is strong enough.


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## IwannabeVERYfat (Dec 14, 2007)

.....your belly has it's own zip code


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## fat hiker (Sep 26, 2016)

... people make jokes about the Richter scale when you go jogging.


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## agouderia (Sep 26, 2016)

fat hiker said:


> ... people make jokes about the Richter scale when you go jogging.



At least you have the small consolation that you literally ran into pretty sophisticated fat-phobics....


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## fat hiker (Oct 12, 2016)

You can say things like this, that escapist posted in another forum:

"*I'm tempted to have some of my 7x's resized now that I'm back down in the 400's yet again."*


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## fat hiker (Dec 6, 2016)

This guy seems like a model of muscular athleticism (all 430 pounds of him!)
http://iwishery.tumblr.com/post/100585603016/what-makes-me-humpfff-chingiz-mogushkov


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## Tad (Jan 18, 2017)

People worry about walking downhill from you when the sidewalks are icy


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## fat hiker (Jan 23, 2017)

Tad said:


> People worry about walking downhill from you when the sidewalks are icy



People follow you on icy sidewalks because you've broken the surface for them!


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## Fat Molly (Feb 2, 2017)

fat hiker said:


> Hey, I regularly have friends and family huddle behind me to get out of the wind - never thought of that as a sign of size before though, but you're right!
> 
> It's apparently especially effective when I'm wearing my black leather jacket...



guilty as charged


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## Fat Molly (Feb 2, 2017)

bf can't reach the front cupholder in the car bc he's too massive to lean forward and reach it 

his pants are so big he can keep an entire subway sandwich in his pocket

also there's a funny habit where when he's got his wallet (or sandwich) in his pants pocket, sometimes he accidentally shifts the car from D to 3rd gear (since it's a side-to-side thing). it doesn't impact driving significantly and I always catch it but it's funny


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## fat hiker (Feb 2, 2017)

Fat Molly said:


> bf can't reach the front cupholder in the car bc he's too massive to lean forward and reach it



Yes, cars needed adapted to the growing reality of human change, as here: 
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/...rs-must-prepare-for-the-obesity-epidemic.html


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## Fat Molly (Feb 2, 2017)

i mean part of the problem is i bought a tiny-ass car and then proceeded to locate a big-ass boyfriend  but you know hindsight is 20/20


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## Tad (Feb 2, 2017)

Some cars are brutal in their disregard for anyone of size -- I'd normally call myself chubby or maybe small-fat, and my body tends to go more front-to-back than side-to-side and I absolutely do not have wide shoulders (sigh) -- but when car shopping a year ago I tried out a couple of cars with such aggressive side bolsters on the backs of the seats that I couldn't sit back all the way. 

(that's right, it was totally about silly car design, not my size! )

Also, based on today's experience: you may be a fat boy if you have a burger and a pint at a north american pub, and afterwards feel like you could still go out for a proper lunch :doh:


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## Fat Molly (Feb 2, 2017)

"you may be a fat boy if you have a burger and a pint at a north american pub, and afterwards feel like you could still go out for a proper lunch" 

aw yeah that's the bomb diggety


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## Tad (Feb 8, 2017)

.... if you regularly have to fold down the top of your socks, because they are too tight on the mid-part of your calves.


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## fat hiker (Feb 14, 2017)

Tad said:


> .... if you regularly have to fold down the top of your socks, because they are too tight on the mid-part of your calves.


Or because they just keep sliding down your calves, because your calves widen out so dramatically above your ankles.

I prefer either shorter socks, so they don't get up to the wide part, or knee-length or nearly knee-length, so the band at the top is above the widest part of my calves.


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## traceg (Jul 25, 2017)

Fat Molly said:


> "you may be a fat boy if you have a burger and a pint at a north american pub, and afterwards feel like you could still go out for a proper lunch"
> 
> aw yeah that's the bomb diggety



Lol i think and do that quite often these day


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## hommecreux (Jul 26, 2017)

You may be a fat boy if it takes more energy to keep your fat from bouncing while you walk, than it does to keep you moving forward.


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## Jerry Thomas (Jul 26, 2017)

The manager at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet calls in additional staff when you waddle through the door.


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## hommecreux (Jul 26, 2017)

Jerry Thomas said:


> The manager at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet calls in additional staff when you waddle through the door.




YOU PAY FOR WAN, YOU EAT FOR FOR! YOU MUS LEVE!!!!! 
Cracking me up over here.


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## Jerry Thomas (Jul 27, 2017)

Your girlfriend is jealous because your breasts are bigger than hers. :blush:


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## hommecreux (Jul 27, 2017)

Jerry Thomas said:


> Your girlfriend is jealous because your breasts are bigger than hers. :blush:


I'm not sure if I should feel ashamed, or proud and sexy.... either way I'm crackin the fuck up again. haha!!!


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## loopytheone (Jul 28, 2017)

Jerry Thomas said:


> Your girlfriend is jealous because your breasts are bigger than hers. :blush:



I like SSBHM but I can't say I've ever had that issue myself.


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## hommecreux (Jul 28, 2017)

loopytheone said:


> I like SSBHM but I can't say I've ever had that issue myself.



That's a good problem to have?


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## Jerry Thomas (Jul 29, 2017)

I have a whole list of these "You may be a fat boy if . . ." things, but I'm not sure if I dare to post some of them.


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## agouderia (Jul 30, 2017)

Jerry Thomas said:


> I have a whole list of these "You may be a fat boy if . . ." things, but I'm not sure if I dare to post some of them.



This actually sounds really interesting...


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## Jerry Thomas (Jul 31, 2017)

Here are a few more. I didn't read through the whole thread, so apologies if any are repeats.

You may be a fat boy if . . .

Your mother-in-law steers you away from her antique furniture when you visit.

You haven't seen your toes (or whatever) in 14 years.

You could be a sumo wrestler if you lost 100 pounds or so.

You always have the seat all to yourself when you ride the bus.

The airlines have you tagged in their computer as a "customer of size."

Teenage girls take your photo so they can post it on Facebook.

Friends wonder how you and your girlfriend "do it."

You have to wear surgical scrubs even though you don't work in a hospital.

Well-meaning strangers remove food from your cart at the supermarket.

Children hide behind you when they play hide-and-seek.

You always get caught in the middle of the crosswalk when the light changes.

You have cleavage when you put your hands together.

You wear a t-shirt when you go swimming at the beach.

You need help putting on your shoes and socks.

Your health insurance company sends you unsolicited material about bariatric surgery.

Little kids point at you at the beach and say, "Look mommy, he's got boobies just like yours!"

You're in big trouble if you drop something on the floor.

People spread their arms and puff out their cheeks when they see you.

Your stretch marks have stretch marks.


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## Tad (Aug 30, 2017)

When you start exercising more, you proactively start eating more to make sure you don't get too hungry.


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## fat hiker (Jan 2, 2018)

When your hands are full leaving the mall, you can use your gut to open the door for you...


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Jan 2, 2018)

When you walk to the kitchen and stop at the fridge - but your fat hasn't gotten the message yet and it keeps moving. 

When cats gather on your abdomen when you're on your back.

When there is extra food and people naturally assume you're the one who will eat it or take it home. And they're right! 

When friendly women approach you at malls wearing buttons saying "Lose Weight! Ask Me How!" 

When you walk into a weight-loss center and get rushed.

When the lower part of your belly forms a lil upside-down heart. 

When your GF calls you her sweet bear. (Nice way of saying you're fat!)


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## hommecreux (Feb 12, 2018)

You might be a fat boy if....
your belly gets in the way of typing on a keyboard. 
you graze both nipples whenever you reach across your body.
scratching a fat roll involves lifting up other rolls to get at the itchy part.
doctors have to put you on the "cattle" size scale that accepts wheelchairs just to weigh your fat ass. lol
people are amazed that you fit in a full size sedan, and getting out of it is like watching clowns getting out of a clown car....


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## fat hiker (Feb 14, 2018)

hommecreux said:


> You might be a fat boy if....
> your belly gets in the way of typing on a keyboard.



We had an IT guy in the office the other day, dealing with a malfunctioning PC, who was approaching this state. 

I thought of the FFAs here, when he got down on his knees under a desk to check whether a cable was plugged in.


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## hommecreux (Feb 18, 2018)

fat hiker said:


> We had an IT guy in the office the other day, dealing with a malfunctioning PC, who was approaching this state.
> 
> I thought of the FFAs here, when he got down on his knees under a desk to check whether a cable was plugged in.



Haha... well that's just about me at this point. Just invested in a 500lb rated office chair that reclines so I can lean back and put the keyboard on my belly when I get tired of keeping perfect posture.
Fortunately I have a big desk so I keep the desktop on my desk to avoid having to crawl around lol.


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## Jerry Thomas (Feb 18, 2018)

You might be a fat boy if . . .

You have to use deodorant on the fold under your belly roll to keep from getting a skin irritation. (Not making this up! :blush: )

Worse: You have to ask someone else to do it for you because you can't reach under there. :blush::blush:


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Mar 12, 2018)

You're riding with a partner on an airplane at night, you bend down looking for something under the seat in front of you, your t-shirt slides up in the back, and you feel a hand slowly running itself over your love handle, then gently squeezing. You freeze as the hand mashes, pulls and then wiggles the handle from the left to the right.


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## fat hiker (Mar 19, 2018)

LarryTheNoodleGuy said:


> You're riding with a partner on an airplane at night, you bend down looking for something under the seat in front of you,



and you can't make this move because your gut and chest get in the way on the tiny airplane seats, so your partner has to retrieve whatever you've dropped.


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## fat hiker (Oct 21, 2022)

Your trampolining fun has limits:








✂️ Trampoline failure


7 seconds · Clipped by fatmatt385 · Original video "Americans Being Idiots: Fails Around The World 2022" by FailArmy




youtube.com


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## RVGleason (Oct 22, 2022)

If you have a little problem fitting in.


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