# Can you love someone you're not attracted to?



## Sugarkitten7 (May 9, 2011)

I've asked this question once before on DIMS, and got some really great answers. But now I'm asking this question again.

I know that everyone is attracted to different things. And there are alot of things that contribute to loving someone. Obviously it's not all about physical appearance, but can you love someone you aren't attracted to sexually/physically? 

I am a FFA, and love a guy who's bigger. My longterm boyfriend, was once a larger guy. But has recently slimmed down. Now, don't get me wrong, I really care for him and we've been together for a several years. But lately, maybe from the lack of lately, I've been glancing at guys who are bigger. I want to slap myself in the face, not that I would even act on it, but what am I doing? I feel shallow and bad about it, sure it's natural for us to think other people are attractive but it just makes me wonder. Can we stay in love with people we're not attracted to? Should it matter at all? 

Other FFA's have you been in love with slimmer men/men you find unattractive? BHM's have you been in love with anyone you found unattractive?


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## Rathkhan (May 9, 2011)

I think sexual/physical attraction is an important part to any meaningful and long term relationship. Humans are sexual beings.


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## JulieD (May 9, 2011)

I actually am kinda experiencing the same thing from the other side. I am an FFA and have met this amazing BHM, but I'm also a SSBBW and he is not so much a FA. The thing is, is that we click very well. Our personalities, where we are in life, our views on a lot of things...it just feels like we are very compatible on so many levels. He knows that I'm attracted to him, and we joke about "if he were an FA", but he isn't, and I don't feel comfortable with the idea of being sexual involved with someone who doesn't find me attractive, for a few reasons. 
Let's pretend that said BHM gets over my size and realizes that everything else about me is pretty damn kickass, which for the record it is. And let's say I get over my feelings of not being "sexy" enough for him, and the two of us figure out a "common ground" type of bf/gf relationship. The thing is that eventually, (and this happens in all relationships) we will start to grow a little weary of each other. That's when the things we use to think were cute are actually the things that annoy the crap out of us, and those inhibitions start to resurface. Would we be able to get over those feelings again, in order to stay in love, or would we just let those issues eat at us, until it destroys everything, including our amazing friendship? So its hard to say if you can be in love with someone who you are not attracted to. I hope so, but the reality is if so, for how long? And what is the quality of the relationship going to end up? Nobody wants to be in an obliged relationship, or have to fight to hold onto something that doesn't make them or the other person happy, but I guess that can be said with every thing. 
So, to answer your question...yes I do think you can love someone you are not physically attracted to, but I also think you are potentially setting up for someone to end up heartbroken. I think that most girls are more willing to over look and over come "physical appearance" differences then guys are, so if you love him in more ways then his looks...and that love is strong, yes you can love him and move past it. But if one of the main reasons you chose to be with him is because of his size, then its a tough call. It will depend on you and if that's something you can live with...
You can always try secretly thickening him up again, but if he is thinning down for health reasons, that might not be the best resolution either. I probably confused you more then I helped, sorry...


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## Tad (May 9, 2011)

ETA: warning: incoming wall of text, not overly coherent.
ETA2: my heart goes out to both of you, good luck getting through your situations with as many hearts as intact as possible.

I think that there are a few questions being conflated here:
1) Can you (romantically) love someone you are not physically attracted to, as you asked, but also:
2) Can you become physically attracted to someone who is not your type, or to whom you were not initially physically attracted?
3) Can you stay committed and invested enough in a romantic relationship to keep it strong, when you love the person but are not physically attracted to them?

Obviously a &#8216;yes’ to the second question will make the first question a lot less urgent, while on the other hand even a &#8216;yes’ to the first question doesn’t guarantee that you can pull off the third question. I’m pretty sure that in all cases the answer will be &#8216;some people, in some situations,’ but of course the is true but useless. The interesting part is how many people, in how many situations….or is it apt to happen for you?

With regards to the second question: very few people at the age of, say, 25, are attracted to senior citizens, and even at the age of 70 most people wouldn’t call people their age to be the physically most attractive….yet there are plenty of couples that age who still have healthy sex lives and greatly enjoy each other’s bodies. So I’d say that in some situations most people are capable of having love make someone physically attractive to them. 

In a different take on it, the first young woman that I really fell for, in my second year of high school, was probably the female in my music class that I noticed the least at the start of the year. Her appearance didn’t really hit any of my hot buttons, nothing about her really caught my eye. Then I ended up getting to know her, and realizing that she was just amazing, and after a few months I was both finding things about her that I’d missed at first, and finding ways to appreciate things about her that at first I’d have said left me cold. That is, I changed what I liked, in order to find her more attractive as well as working harder to find attractors that were there all along (where it would have gone I don’t know—we moved out of the country). Show it doesn’t have to be a matter of gradual changes over decades of loving someone.

Neither of which means that it WILL happen for any specific person. Just that I’m positive that it can happen at a variety of ages in a variety of circumstances.

As for the original question, I’m positive that you can love them. I think being able to answer &#8216;yes’ to the first but &#8216;no’ to the third is the realm of emotional tragedy. Where you still love them, but you need that physical side to the relationship, and love alone is not enough. I suspect that the third question is a lot harder to answer with a &#8216;yes’ when you are younger, and biology is demanding more out of the physical relationship. There are, after all, couples who stop having sex as they age, but stay contentedly together for decades afterward, but I’m pretty sure that is associated with reduced sex drive, where it is not such a big deal. 

Anyway, I think answering the third question is something that is extremely individual, and something where it is important to be brutally honest with yourself.


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## Surlysomething (May 9, 2011)

Of course you can.

But you might not want to have sex as much. I think a LOT of marriages are based on this.

And it's funny (or at least in my experience) that people look more attractive the more you love them or get to know them.


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## The Orange Mage (May 9, 2011)

Surlysomething said:


> Of course you can.
> 
> But you might not want to have sex as much. I think a LOT of marriages are based on this.
> 
> And it's funny (or at least in my experience) that people look more attractive the more you love them or get to know them.



Total agreement, here.

Though I'd add that, in my limited experience, the lack of attraction will eventually drive a big wedge between a couple, as the unattract*ed* one without fail will slow down the frequency and/or intensity of physical intimacy. (Holy cow, what a tongue-twister!)


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## Ernest Nagel (May 9, 2011)

This one is from the Quotes I Wish I'd Never Heard bin in the massive trivia lint trap that is my brain - "Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play." ~ Willie Nelson


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## AmazingAmy (May 9, 2011)

Surlysomething said:


> And it's funny (or at least in my experience) that people look more attractive the more you love them or get to know them.



I agree with this. There's lots of people I've known who haven't been attractive to me on first impressions, or even for a long time after - but the more I got to know them, the more physically attractive they became through how much I liked them as a person. It's happened with people here on Dims.


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## CarlaSixx (May 9, 2011)

I think you can become attracted by learning to love them, but you can't love someone that doesn't float your boat. Even that "over time" stuff eventually becomes physical atraction, so no, I don't believe love without attraction is possible. Settling and pretending because you don't want to be alone: yes, for sure. But bonafide loving despite no turn-on factor? Hell to tha motha-effin no.


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## LillyBBBW (May 9, 2011)

CarlaSixx said:


> I think you can become attracted by learning to love them, but you can't love someone that doesn't float your boat. Even that "over time" stuff eventually becomes physical atraction, so no, I don't believe love without attraction is possible. Settling and pretending because you don't want to be alone: yes, for sure. But bonafide loving despite no turn-on factor? Hell to tha motha-effin no.



I agree. I'm a crass beast I guess because if I don't dig someone that usually doesn't change unless they do. I am not attracted to guys in their 20s but I could kick myself when I see them ten or fifteen years later. Till then I can only love them like a brother or a nephew and I was that way even when I was in my 20s.


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## luvbigfellas (May 9, 2011)

Rathkhan said:


> I think sexual/physical attraction is an important part to any meaningful and long term relationship. Humans are sexual beings.



I'm not going to comment, Jayme 

We have to remember that there does exist different types of love. Think about all the people in your life that you love. Are you sexually attracted to all of them? Of course not. 

However, any sort of long-term romantic/dating/whatever relationship, sex is probably an important factor of said relationship. It helps us stay attracted to that person, that among other things.


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## Surlysomething (May 9, 2011)

I totally loved my ex but I wasn't sexually attracted to him for a LONG time.


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## JenFromOC (May 10, 2011)

Nooooooooo


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## WillSpark (May 10, 2011)

Using an ambiguous term like "attracted" is a bit iffy. Barring, say, family or friends, who you can love regardless, I'd say you absolutely have to be attracted to someone to love them romantically, though being attracted to someone isn't based entirely on looks, so there's wiggle-room for someone not being perfectly your type physically.


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## Zowie (May 10, 2011)

"I love you, you're perfect. Now change."

It depends. If it's a lack of attraction, which you may not even notice that little fact until you are genuinely attracted to someone else. 

If it's unattraction and he's a horrible chud, well there isn't anything much you can do about that, save for closing your eyes and thinking of England. 

HOWEVER, Chudly McChudderton might know how to hook you, instead of someone visually appealing who might be a boring stiff instead. 

Still, that you're asking this, for the second time, makes me think that it's a bigger deal for you. You don't love this guy passionately, but he's there for you. You're doing the "Well, I don't find him attractive, but that's my only reason for not liking this guy, therefore I cannot break up with him, because therefore I must love him".

Go bang a fat guy, lady!


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## CleverBomb (May 11, 2011)

The reverse of this question is also important.

Years ago, I was in a long-distance relationship with a very good looking woman. Seriously, if she'd been so inclined and BBW paysites existed then, she probably would have done quite well at it. However, as I got to knew her, I discovered that she was literally incapable of empathy, which manifested as abusive parenting (among other unpleasantness). After I realized that, she suddenly ceased to be attractive to me. 
Her appearance hadn't changed, just my attitude towards her. 

-Rusty


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## Bearsy (May 11, 2011)

My ex sure did


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## Paquito (May 11, 2011)

It's not impossible, but I feel that attraction is pretty key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. While it can work without attraction, it won't have as solid of a foundation as one where you both find each other to be hot shit.


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## Anjula (May 11, 2011)

yes, but it sucks at all


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## The Orange Mage (May 11, 2011)

Isn't love without attraction just "the friend zone" anyways?


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## Never2fat4me (May 11, 2011)

Most of the time physical attraction comes first, but sometimes you totally fall for the personality before you become physically attracted. Now I don't think I would ever truly be able to love someone I found physically repulsive, but there have been instances where I first thought the woman was just ok looking, but as we got to know each other better, the physical attraction followed and I thought she was very beautiful, both inside and out.

This is contrary to not finding someone personally attractive (as in their personality). I have had my share of shallow relationships/one night stands with women I thought were attractive but that I could never see myself falling in love with (just fell in lust with them, I guess). No matter how beautiful they might be, it just never can overcome a dud of a personality. (In fact I just got out of a relationship like that - woman was very pretty SSBBW, but she was too full of drama/not self-confident enough for me to see long-term possibilities.)

Chris


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## Amaranthine (May 11, 2011)

I'd say that you can love someone without being attracted to them, and the relationship itself can even bring in attraction via emotional closeness. But, in a relationship the lack of physical attraction will always be a point of tension, that may or may not manifest itself in other ways, such as getting more frustrated at someone for things that aren't even physical at all.


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## HeavyDuty24 (May 11, 2011)

of course! you can definitly love someone your not attracted to.you can love there mind and spirit,and there personality and humor,or the way they put things,how they handle situations,and things like that.i mean if you love someone for all that and your also physically/sexually attracted to them all the better.LOL im just the type of person who loved someone for who they are in the end,although i do love BBW more then anything,if my partner slimmed down my feelings wouldn't change about them.


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## HeavyDuty24 (May 11, 2011)

JulieD said:


> I actually am kinda experiencing the same thing from the other side. I am an FFA and have met this amazing BHM, but I'm also a SSBBW and he is not so much a FA.



i never kinda understood this,bigger people not wanting to date bigger people.im sure if it was the other way around and you told him you couldn't date him because he was a BHM it would be TOTALLY different and he probably would cry foul.LOL


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## HeavyDuty24 (May 11, 2011)

WillSpark said:


> Using an ambiguous term like "attracted" is a bit iffy. Barring, say, family or friends, who you can love regardless, I'd say you absolutely have to be attracted to someone to love them romantically, though being attracted to someone isn't based entirely on looks, so there's wiggle-room for someone not being perfectly your type physically.




i completely agree,there are some women that have turned me on SO much just by being themselves and being who they are,it had nothing to do with physical or sexual attraction.lol


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## JulieD (May 11, 2011)

HeavyDuty24 said:


> i never kinda understood this,bigger people not wanting to date bigger people.im sure if it was the other way around and you told him you couldn't date him because he was a BHM it would be TOTALLY different and he probably would cry foul.LOL



I don't know...I understand that people are attracted to what they are attracted to...I'm not holding him at fault for it either. To be honest, most of the FAs that are attracted to me are the body builder type...they have bodies full of bulging muscles...I always thought that was weird. The thing about physical attraction, is that's its 100% visual, especially with guys...looks first, then hygiene, THEN personality...that's what separates the one nighters and the ltr...or any relationship for that matter.


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## HeavyDuty24 (May 11, 2011)

JulieD said:


> I don't know...I understand that people are attracted to what they are attracted to...I'm not holding him at fault for it either. To be honest, most of the FAs that are attracted to me are the body builder type...they have bodies full of bulging muscles...I always thought that was weird. The thing about physical attraction, is that's its 100% visual, especially with guys...looks first, then hygiene, THEN personality...that's what separates the one nighters and the ltr...or any relationship for that matter.



i completely agree,i mean i know everyone has there preferences,and there's nothing wrong with that,but i mean if you can't accept someone else being like you it's almost like you don't accept yourself or something.but yes most guys are visual,it's understanding being visual since that is the first thing we see,how people look.i look at people's personality the most,and there mannerisms more then anything.


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## FishCharming (May 12, 2011)

HeavyDuty24 said:


> of course! you can definitly love someone your not attracted to.you can love there mind and spirit,and there personality and humor,or the way they put things,how they handle situations,and things like that.i mean if you love someone for all that and your also physically/sexually attracted to them all the better.LOL im just the type of person who loved someone for who they are in the end,although i do love BBW more then anything,if my partner slimmed down my feelings wouldn't change about them.



you can love them but being lovers is an altogether different proposition. maybe i'm just more shallow than average (which wouldnt surprise me) but i'f i'm not physically attracted to the person, for whatever reason, the likelihood of something substantial developing just isnt feasible. that's how it is for me anyway...

and i'm not just spouting here. i've been with BBW and even a SSBBW but that's just not where my attraction lies. i can see and appreciate the beauty of most women but ultimately i need my engine racing if there's going be hope for something real.


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## FishCharming (May 12, 2011)

HeavyDuty24 said:


> i never kinda understood this,bigger people not wanting to date bigger people.im sure if it was the other way around and you told him you couldn't date him because he was a BHM it would be TOTALLY different and he probably would cry foul.LOL



i've been with women who loved me *despite* my size and it's always been, at least in some small way, a point of insecurity. knowing you're not someone's ideal isn't a pleasant experience and i wouldn't want to make anyone else feel that way, just as i don't want to feel that way again. which is why i am here.


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## Sasquatch! (May 12, 2011)

The right woman for me is going to find me sexy because she loves me, not love me because I am sexy.


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## johniav (May 19, 2011)

Perhaps the attraction that you developed for your boyfriend from awhile ago, will be strong enough for you to extract the right amount of enjoyment for you to stay in this relationship. Humans need to be attracted to their romantic partner. Yes, all humans, including myself,...no I'm not a cyborg yet, are very superficial. There is nothing wrong with it.


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## HeavyDuty24 (May 20, 2011)

FishCharming said:


> you can love them but being lovers is an altogether different proposition. maybe i'm just more shallow than average (which wouldnt surprise me) but i'f i'm not physically attracted to the person, for whatever reason, the likelihood of something substantial developing just isnt feasible. that's how it is for me anyway...
> 
> and i'm not just spouting here. i've been with BBW and even a SSBBW but that's just not where my attraction lies. i can see and appreciate the beauty of most women but ultimately i need my engine racing if there's going be hope for something real.



yes but sometimes even if your not physically attracted to someone you can fall in love with who they are so much to the point you don't even look at how they look,you just love them for them.


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## JulieD (May 20, 2011)

HeavyDuty24 said:


> yes but sometimes even if your not physically attracted to someone you can fall in love with who they are so much to the point you don't even look at how they look,you just love them for them.



I agree with you, but I don't believe that this is something that everybody is capable of. Some, yes no question; most, probably not. 

There are tragedies that people may survive from, that end up changing the way they look forever. These situations really put love to the test...sometimes that love is just not strong enough, other times that love is the only thing that pulls them through. Everyone has a limit to what they are willing to accept, some people have much bigger limits then others. There is nothing wrong with putting limits on what you are willing to accept, as long as you are honest about it up front and true to who you are, that way there is no confusion.


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## chicken legs (May 22, 2011)

I love many a folk I'm not physically attracted to..they are called friends and family...lol.


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## Buffetbelly (May 25, 2011)

I would probably say "No" for the most part, but there is the possibility of a learning process. I used to think I was exclusively attracted to BBW's, but a patient FFA showed me that I could have an intense physical relationship with a thin women if (and only if) she was strongly attracted to me. I am grateful to this particular ex, because I would not be with my current FFA lover had it not been for her initiation of me into the realm of slender FFA's.


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## Never2fat4me (May 25, 2011)

Buffetbelly said:


> I would probably say "No" for the most part, but there is the possibility of a learning process. I used to think I was exclusively attracted to BBW's, but a patient FFA showed me that I could have an intense physical relationship with a thin women if (and only if) she was strongly attracted to me. I am grateful to this particular ex, because I would not be with my current FFA lover had it not been for her initiation of me into the realm of slender FFA's.



Really cool perspective. I am into very large SSBBWs, and I always wondered how I would feel about dating a thin FFA who really grooved on my chub. Maybe that will happen to me one day, but in the meantime, I think it great that you had that experience and shared it with us.

Chris


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## ThinkingFA (May 26, 2011)

This is something I'm living now. I'll say yes you can love someone you're not attracted to. My wife of 20 years has lost 155 pounds. It's not just her size that makes her unattractive now, it's also all the loose, hanging skin. I avoid looking at her, and she knows this. My need for physical touch used to be met at a very high level. Now it's not met at all. Because of all the reasons she told me she lost the weight, I even feel deceived. I was led to believe I was marrying a confident fat woman who was comfortable in her own skin. Turns out that wasn't true at all. So that's the bad.

I've known for a long time that being in love and love are different. Because so many people fail the institution of marriage (marriage doesn't fail people) and because of media influences, a lot of people believe that love is a feeling. It's not. Long after your heart has stopped leaping for joy just seeing your spouse enter the room, there is still love. Because love is a decision, not a feeling. Love is about devotion, duty and fulfilling the promise you made to become one for better or worse. Love is about the continual search for greater levels of intimacy and unity. Love is putting your spouse's needs before your own.

And it's that putting her before myself that keeps me with her. It's not easy. I've made it hard for her at times. She says she feels better - no more back pain, no more knee pain, no more heavy sweating. She also feels more secure within herself. All of the needs and wants I had wrapped up in her fatness and in the touch of her fatness have to take a back seat to the needs she's having filled by living in a smaller body. Our sex life is damaged by this. But I go on with the hope that we'll find something that transcends all of the physical needs and wants that are lacking now. Because I love her, and I don't want to imagine a life in which I don't.


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## Surlysomething (May 26, 2011)

ThinkingFA said:


> This is something I'm living now. I'll say yes you can love someone you're not attracted to. My wife of 20 years has lost 155 pounds. It's not just her size that makes her unattractive now, it's also all the loose, hanging skin. I avoid looking at her, and she knows this. My need for physical touch used to be met at a very high level. Now it's not met at all. Because of all the reasons she told me she lost the weight, I even feel deceived. I was led to believe I was marrying a confident fat woman who was comfortable in her own skin. Turns out that wasn't true at all. So that's the bad.
> 
> I've known for a long time that being in love and love are different. Because so many people fail the institution of marriage (marriage doesn't fail people) and because of media influences, a lot of people believe that love is a feeling. It's not. Long after your heart has stopped leaping for joy just seeing your spouse enter the room, there is still love. Because love is a decision, not a feeling. Love is about devotion, duty and fulfilling the promise you made to become one for better or worse. Love is about the continual search for greater levels of intimacy and unity. Love is putting your spouse's needs before your own.
> 
> And it's that putting her before myself that keeps me with her. It's not easy. I've made it hard for her at times. She says she feels better - no more back pain, no more knee pain, no more heavy sweating. She also feels more secure within herself. All of the needs and wants I had wrapped up in her fatness and in the touch of her fatness have to take a back seat to the needs she's having filled by living in a smaller body. Our sex life is damaged by this. But I go on with the hope that we'll find something that transcends all of the physical needs and wants that are lacking now. Because I love her, and I don't want to imagine a life in which I don't.


 

Very honest and loving post. Thanks for sharing.


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## Goreki (May 27, 2011)

Absolutely yes.
I was attracted to my boyfriend because he's wicked sexy.
I fell in love with him because he's a completely awesome and amazing person.

Those two catagories are completely different. Do you love everyone you're attracted to? Of course not. It works both ways.


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## Kaylathebudgie (Jun 21, 2011)

One I was younger, I may have had crushes on people I'm not attracted to. I'm totally straight and I've had girl crushes. Or due to peer pressure, you may have crushes on someone the people around you consider attractive. But now, No. I'm very sexual and if that person doesn't interest me sexually, then hell no. A nearly sexless relationship will kill me.


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## bladenite78 (Jun 22, 2011)

I think loving someone you are not attracted to creates an egregious perception of imbalance in the relationship and gives too much leeway for an excuse to a mere human mind


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## pdgujer148 (Jun 22, 2011)

OP: YES.

I have a definite aesthetic. However, the women that have ping'd my heart with the greatest resonance have come as a complete surprise.


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## Sugarkitten7 (Aug 21, 2011)

One again I enjoyed reading everyones feedback. it's been awhile since i've posted now. i'm still struggling with this problem i have with my relationship. i suppose he's kinda trying now not to be super thin but it's not really working out. still unsure of what to do. 

but like i said i'm glad i got so many responses to read! it gave me a lot to think about. although still not clear answer!


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## ManBeef (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm going to say yes && no?

Physical appearance is there simply to catch our attention. Though we are on the top of the evolutionary charts (if that is what you believe in) we still have some slight similarities to those in the animal kingdom. Some birds dance, flash feathers, or sing to attract a mate. Other animals test their strength against others, build shelter, etc. We also do the same... Attraction is a big thing. But here is where that all seems to mist away. We are also able to logically think. We aren't only going off of primal instincts anymore. We are able to consider other traits that might lure us into the den of love. We see this quite often. A hot individual walks by nabbing our attention. We make a move then suddenly, later with luck, we are an item. YAY... But then something happens. We realize that this person was only a cute face. There is no substance! SO we leave because you can't base a relationship on how hot a dude or dudette is. So yes, you can love without physical attraction. But this is why say no too. I myself have had this happen, not finding someone attractive AT THE START. But I noticed as my attraction to her inner beauty && love became a factor... I found lil things about her physical appearance cute. Her smile, cheeks, nose... Things I never looked at before or didn't notice. I am sure if you look clearly, you will begin to find those lil physical treasures once real emotion is built. It's our nature to look for good once we are in that serendipitous state of mind. If you are attracted to the one you love already then that doesn't count because it was the attraction that hooked you. To say that isn't the reason you love them is understandable. But you can't say that you AREN'T physically attracted to them && still love them. If you find them smokin in the beginning then BUBAM!!! You'll find them attractive as love is found. So there is my contradictory post for all y'all. Hope it isn't too confusing.


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## LeoGibson (Aug 21, 2011)

ThinkingFA said:


> I've known for a long time that being in love and love are different. Because so many people fail the institution of marriage (marriage doesn't fail people) and because of media influences, a lot of people believe that love is a feeling. It's not. Long after your heart has stopped leaping for joy just seeing your spouse enter the room, there is still love. Because love is a decision, not a feeling. Love is about devotion, duty and fulfilling the promise you made to become one for better or worse. Love is about the continual search for greater levels of intimacy and unity. Love is putting your spouse's needs before your own.




The whole post was very well thought out,but this paragraph stood out to me because in my opinion you encapsulated what marriage or any long term comitted relationship is.I think that too many people expect to always be "in love" whatever that B.S. means.They don't realize that love is more than just a feeling and that it is a choice that is made.It is about following through on your promises of commitment and honoring vows and not running out because it gets too hard or you just don't have that euphoric in love feeling anymore.

Now,there are caveats to that.If your spouse is abusive run,don't walk away.If your spouse is a philanderer and you don't have an open marriage,then that would probably be a deal breaker for most.But those are the atomic bombs of relationships.Too many people these days say he/she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle,so I'm outta here.(maybe that's a bit extreme,but then again everyone knows you start at the bottom and work your way to the top of the tube of toothpaste:dohBut really,alot of people feel that if it isn't alway sweetness and light that it's not working and they need to bail.The truth is,whenever you live with someone long-term,and I don't mean a few months,I mean years,you are going to F'ing hate each other sometimes.You are gonna wish that your SO would just crawl into a hole and never be seen again.Don't feel bad,they have felt the same way about you at times too.Everything is cyclical,you punch through those really bad times and remember the decision to love and the vow you made and voila you get to the other side and everything is rosy.Until the next time you hate the fact that your partner is breathing and you go through it again until one day you realize how stupid it is and you learn to temper everything you say or do through the filter of I really love this person,so why would I say or do this or that hurtful thing?

I just realized that my post really did little to answer the attraction part,so really quickly,at the beginning if you don't have an attraction then for your own sanity walk away now before feelings get messy.If you have had an immediate attraction and now after some time you can't sustain it and that is all you became attracted too then walk for your partner's sanity because you never found the whole person to love.If you're married and made that commitment,I'd say don't give up on it and work on whatever it is that can let you remember that you love this person and why you love this person.I know I'm old-fashioned and my views are somewhat archaic but unless the aforementioned relationship atomic bomb is dropped,then I say don't give up and work it out.


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## analikesyourface (Aug 30, 2011)

I have been dealing with this since a young age...

And in most situations, I would say no, it's not possible. 

I am now in the situation where my boyfriend finishes sentences of mine, knows exactly how I'm feeling, and knows everything about me. The only problem? He's about 5'7ish, and 125 lbs. 

Up until now I would refuse to date somebody less than 300, and less that 6 foot (unless he's really chubby :/ ) 

I've spent the entire summer with my boyfriend, and I know now that I can get past the fact that I don't really like that fact that I can touch my elbows while wrapping my arms around him >..<

I mean, the fact that even his doctor is coercing him to put on weight (he's up to 4500 calories a day, and still isn't gaining) Is sort of helpful. It allowed me to bring in some of my feederism fetish stuff, and help him out in a healthy way (for once!) 

I guess what I'm saying is that I love him, but we're still in an open relationship so I can get my chubby chasing on. It's sort of awkward, but it's going to work until we get those 150 lbs on him <3


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## KingBoo (Sep 1, 2011)

No I do not


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## NjBigBoi (Nov 5, 2011)

Well Im gonna answer this with two personal experiences of mine.

I went out with a girl back in February and we had a lot in common as far as movies, music, our outlooks on life, religion and science but there was really almost no physical attraction for me. Now as time went on (about 2 months) I felt myself getting more attracted to her physically, although she looked the same, but ultimately it wasnt enough. Now it ended in May, mostly due to VERY negative personality/emotional traits of hers, not because of the lack of attraction, although it was a problem. Now I learned in those few months that no matter how much you have in common with someone or how well you get along, there HAS (IMO) to be a physical attraction for things to develop. That is after all what separates friends from 'more than friends'. We as human beings are sexual by nature and it is only natural to go for someone of the opposite sex who you find attractive. 

There was another girl who I just recently met last month who i went out with and this girl was absolutely STUNNING! She had an amazing figure, the most gorgeous smile and the most beautiful shade of red hair that ive ever seen. The physical attraction, although there was a ton of it, wasnt enough. There was nothing else there to hold us together, our personalities just did not click on any level so needless to say it didnt work out.

Ultimately it comes down to a balance. In my experience its always been the physical attraction that reels me in and then you see if you two click on more than a physical/sexual level and if you get both of those things then you are made in the shade lol but a relationship and ultimately love, again this is in my opinion, can not exist or survive without a balance of BOTH.


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## Deanna (Nov 5, 2011)

I must be physically attracted to someone first before exploring anything outside of friendship. 

Attraction for me is dynamic, however. If he has longish hair, kind of bohemian, is geeky, artsy, and blubbery, that's ready-made attraction for me. If he laughs a certain way, his head flying back, the kind where his whole body is into it, my desire will grow. If he engages me in intellectual conversations while looking into my eyes the whole time, that desire will mutate tenfold. 

I have to be with someone beyond friendship before considering love, so yes, attraction takes precedence.

Too many people are afraid to admit this, that it will make them seem shallow.


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## appleleafer (Nov 5, 2011)

Its the connections that are made beyond the physical, those things you have between which have been listed eloquently above, which give a relationship its longevity. They're the deeper level on which you're going to really fall in love with someone.

Saying that, the object of your affections absolutely has to frost your cookies, has to make you wide eyed and make your tummy flip too or sparks cannot become flames. 

Which came first, the chicken or the egg....


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## KittyKitten (Nov 6, 2011)

It's interesting, kind of like which came first the chicken or the egg. I've found myself falling in love with someone who is not considered 'conventionally attractive'. I think I will fall in love with this person, then the attraction comes later. As soon as I fall in love with this person, he becomes sexually attractive to me. For me, there can never be love without attraction. But there can be attraction without love.


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