# Hitting on the opposite sex...



## aztecprinc3ss (Mar 13, 2012)

I am a ssbbw and I am not very open to the opposite sex, I was wondering what do you do when you are interested in someone and you don't know if they are an FA? Do you flirt with them? How do you approach this situation? I'm not currently in this particular situation now, but past experiences have scarred me to the point that I avoid guys I might be interested so I won't feel vulnerable and later find myself asking 'what if'?


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## Deanna (Mar 13, 2012)

Smile, relax, and don't try too hard. It is usually easy to tell if a man is interested. At that point it won't matter if you are "flirting" or not, the chemistry will be smooth as Nutella.


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## Skye23 (Mar 14, 2012)

Just give them casual oppertunities to spend time with you. No preassure, no "dates" - just hang out time. If they're interested they'll take you up on the offers, if they aren't then they won't. Once they're spending time with you its pretty easy to see if they'd like to spend more time with you. A little accidental contact is a good check - leaning against them for a few seconds while you reach in your purse, accidentally touching their hand when giving them something. Or just a brief hand on the shoulder or arm etc. They like it, they'll lean in and "accidentally" bump into you too. Make good eye contact too, a few seconds longer then you might normally. Again, they'll mirror it if they're interested.


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## aztecprinc3ss (Mar 14, 2012)

Thanks guys though usually I wouldn't know if someone was interested unless they told me. Had that happen in the past where a guy was hitting on and my friends had to point it out. I guess all girls are different.


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## capra (Mar 14, 2012)

[nevermind]


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## FatAndProud (Mar 19, 2012)

I flirt as much as possible. I've yet to have negative responses. It makes your night out, or whatever you're doing, so much more enjoyable - not to mention the confidence-booster it can be. If you expect nothing of it, then it seems more playful/natural. However, if you're expecting to get a husband/wife out of, "Hey, baby. Did it hurt? *What?* Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"...good luck.

The other night, I called our waiter Montel Williams to his face. He's like, "What are you trying to say?" I said that I think Montel Williams is fine (back in the day) lol. We posed for pictures. It was amazing


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## Deacone (Mar 19, 2012)

I'm an SSBBW, and I seem to get on great with the opposite sex. Make them laugh, that's the best thing to do. Silly thing here, dirty joke there. It's the best way to get a guy to notice you  

Smiling always helps too ^_^


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## edvis (Jan 15, 2013)

smile, look at me, let me know you want me to talk to you


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## Pandasaur (Jan 15, 2013)

FatAndProud said:


> I flirt as much as possible. I've yet to have negative responses. It makes your night out, or whatever you're doing, so much more enjoyable - not to mention the confidence-booster it can be. If you expect nothing of it, then it seems more playful/natural. However, if you're expecting to get a husband/wife out of, "Hey, baby. Did it hurt? *What?* Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"...good luck.
> 
> The other night, I called our waiter Montel Williams to his face. He's like, "What are you trying to say?" I said that I think Montel Williams is fine (back in the day) lol. We posed for pictures. It was amazing




I envy your confidence!! Its so hard to just throw myself out there.


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## Oona (Jan 16, 2013)

Pandasaur said:


> I envy your confidence!! Its so hard to just throw myself out there.



Ditto! Its so hard to put myself in that situation... I'm too chicken!


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## FatAndProud (Jan 16, 2013)

What is it that you fear? I'm not minimizing your trepidation! I just think if you identify what it is that's holding you back, you can take it as a personal growth challenge. Men are simple creatures and have thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes just as women. They're not scary, I promise lol


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## Oona (Jan 16, 2013)

FatAndProud said:


> What is it that you fear? I'm not minimizing your trepidation! I just think if you identify what it is that's holding you back, you can take it as a personal growth challenge. Men are simple creatures and have thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes just as women. They're not scary, I promise lol



The amount of rejection I have received in the past has really put a hold on me flirting. I know it amounts to self confidence, which I have unless it comes to initial contact. I just need to get my mentality down to "Flirt, its fun!"


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## Pandasaur (Jan 16, 2013)

I was that fat girl in high school who was tricked into believing that someone liked me. Its sad because it happened sooo many years ago, but I always end up thinking about that moment when I see someone attractive. Rejection doesn't hurt but it does bruise the ego a bit


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## Oona (Jan 16, 2013)

Pandasaur said:


> I was that fat girl in high school who was tricked into believing that someone liked me. Its sad because it happened sooo many years ago, but I always end up thinking about that moment when I see someone attractive. Rejection doesn't hurt but it does bruise the ego a bit



Oh I feel you on this one! That happened to me twice. I should have known better the second time around, but I'm thick skulled, it takes me a little longer sometimes


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## Jim Miller (Jan 16, 2013)

As others have said, it takes self-confidence. But "have self-confidence" isn't very helpful advice. Something more specific I would suggest is: Be prepared to fail.

That means to put it all in perspective. It doesn't cost you anything to talk to someone, other than a couple of minutes, and life will go on if they aren't interested in you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But you're going to fail sometimes--not everyone meets their spouse on the first try, after all--and that's okay. Once you accept the possibility of failure it gets a lot easier to approach people with romantic intentions, because you won't be fretting over possibility that their rejection is somehow proof that you're an unworthy person. You won't be riven with the worry that if you don't get this person now, you'll never get anyone.

By recognizing that there's always tomorrow, and that another person's rejection of you doesn't make you any less worthy of a human being, the way to romance is open.

I was at PAX one year when I was still single and I decided that, unlike in past years, I was going to compliment beautiful fat cosplayers. It takes a lot of courage to be a fat cosplayer in our fat-shaming culture, and that quality in a person is often a sign of other good qualities.

I picked cosplayers because they invite attention on themselves. PAX isn't for flirting; it's for sharing a love of games. People, especially females, have a right to go out in public without being hit on incessantly. So by narrowing my focus I was trying to be considerate while still holding out the possibility that I'd conclude PAX by getting a date with a fellow geek.

I had mixed success. I didn't get any dates. People's responses ranged from genuine affection and appreciation that I had approached them to compliment their costume and their good looks in that costume, to offense and indignation that I would hit on a married woman. (I didn't know she was married until she loudly pointed it out to me.) But it was all good...I had my say and people had theirs, and although I failed to get a date that weekend I felt better about myself and better about my prospects in the future. I was prepared to accept failure, and I indeed failed, and I was better off for the experience.

Try that.

Also, take heart in knowing that in our sexist society a female who puts herself out there is going to have a lot more success than a male who puts himself out there. Society discourages females from taking the lead, and the ones who buck that stigma are already ahead of the curve. Your bigger problem will not be getting attention, but sorting through all the attention to pick out the people who actually interest you.

Lastly, as an introvert, all I can say is that you just have to go out there and do it. If you don't act, nothing will change. Anyone who wants something shouldn't wait for it to fall in their lap. They need to go out and seize it for themselves. Fight your nerves with candor. Just be honest--be honest about what you're thinking, what your passions are, and who you are as an individual. Don't bother with chitchat; just get right to the heart of things.


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## CastingPearls (Jan 16, 2013)

Pandasaur said:


> I was that fat girl in high school who was tricked into believing that someone liked me. Its sad because it happened sooo many years ago, but I always end up thinking about that moment when I see someone attractive. Rejection doesn't hurt but it does bruise the ego a bit





Oona said:


> Oh I feel you on this one! That happened to me twice. I should have known better the second time around, but I'm thick skulled, it takes me a little longer sometimes




It would appear that we have a lot of company. It's like a club nobody wants to belong to.


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## aocutiepi (Jan 17, 2013)

CastingPearls said:


> It would appear that we have a lot of company. It's like a club nobody wants to belong to.



I guess you can sign me up for that club too... except recently, dude who they were leading me to believe was into me was actually attracted to me (he told me rudely, to my face, that he wasn't back then and it devastated me and left me no longer trusting men) at least enough to proposition me on Facebook 10 years later... for sex. :doh: I'm such a lucky gal. 

Seriously, though, I flirt with guys all of the time and get the smiles and stuff, but I must flirt with guys who flirt back just to flirt... or guys who are totally as clueless as I am, who think I'm not flirting or am actually interested. Or maybe they aren't. This is hard.


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## CastingPearls (Jan 22, 2013)

I will speak up though, for the ones who hold back. 

In the past I've really been hard on shy men not approaching women, especially FAs who have the double societal 'curse' of preferring someone outside the norm and not being naturally affable. 

I'm an extrovert. If the Meyers-Briggs test is any accurate indicator, I'm 100% extroverted. Flirting is as easy as breathing to me. Honestly. It's second nature. And I'm still that girl upthread who was frauded and hurt and even here, catfished and I still go out there, plugging along because it's my nature. 

My best friend, and other very close friends online, not so much. They're introverts. Extroverts and introverts vary wildly by degree but introverts generally speaking aren't into reaching out, at least, not naturally. They can be quite social, however. In fact, I knew a rocker who's an introvert. I had a brother who was an introvert and he had many many friends. But the flirty thing, if it's not their nature, it's not easy. For my best friend, it's torture. She views me as a neon peacock and makes the comparison that she feels like a brown hen. I don't see her that way. I see it that some men like flashier and some men like the girl next door and she's the latter, IMO. I don't like to make comparisons anymore, because they hurt flesh and blood people who I know and love. 

So, if you feel uncomfortable and want to break out of that shell, grab your extroverted friend or the introvert who's less shy and ask them to show you. But if you feel comfortable usually, being the observer, and being approached, it doesn't make you a bad person. You're not a loser. You're not a coward. I've called people cowards for that in the past and I'm ashamed of myself for it .

Be yourself. Try to put yourself out there at a level of comfort or just slightly dip a toe in the water but you don't have to be another person and shouldn't be because the person who finds you attractive and wants to get to know you, is going to find out anyway that you're not a social butterfly. There are a lot of people out there who do like the shy introverts. In fact, I loved one.


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## mro723chicago (Apr 15, 2013)

FatAndProud said:


> What is it that you fear? I'm not minimizing your trepidation! I just think if you identify what it is that's holding you back, you can take it as a personal growth challenge. Men are simple creatures and have thoughts, feelings, likes/dislikes just as women. They're not scary, I promise lol



The power that a Woman actually has over the opposite sex cannot be overestimated.

It is very real.......and always remember.......

*Men REALLY are Simple Creatures*


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## Dr. Feelgood (Apr 16, 2013)

mro723chicago said:


> *Men REALLY are Simple Creatures*



This cannot be overemphasized. Women are subtle creatures who communicate in subtexts. Men do not pick up on subtexts. If a woman asks you what time it is, she may be in love with you, or she may want to kill you. If a man asks you what time it is, he wants to know what time it is.


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## ecogeek (Apr 18, 2013)

Jim Miller said:


> PAX isn't for flirting; it's for sharing a love of games. People, especially females, have a right to go out in public without being hit on incessantly.



I dunno Jim, as a female AND a gamer I would find PAX to be a great place to find a guy. It's the only time for face to face action with all the geeky boys! 

In relation to this post, I have found that if you are talking with someone you have an interest with it sometimes works to just throw out an idea for something to do as friends. When you are not throwing out terms like "going on a date" or "let's hang out as friends" it makes things simple. 

For instance, movie chat is the best. *I* love zombie flicks. I will talk about this with pretty much anyone. "Ohhh you like ____ movies. Have you heard about ____? We should check it out sometime." It doesn't sound like you are digging for a date. It doesn't sound desperate. It's just conversation. Good luck!


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## Tad (Apr 18, 2013)

ecogeek said:


> I dunno Jim, as a female AND a gamer I would find PAX to be a great place to find a guy. It's the only time for face to face action with all the geeky boys!



When Jim wrote that, I think it was in context of the story of what he was doing. And there, for guys, I'd say that is a pretty good rule of thumb. In general I'd say that in any situation where one gender is in a decided minority the polite thing for the majority to do is not hit on them, but be open for signals. 'Cause you probably wouldn't enjoy PAX too much if you had to spend a quarter of your time fending off guys hitting on you. If a guy is there and wants to get female attention I think the unspoken rule is to be really awesome (at whatever your thing is) and you might draw some attention, but don't push the attention.


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## snuggletiger (Apr 18, 2013)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> This cannot be overemphasized. Women are subtle creatures who communicate in subtexts. Men do not pick up on subtexts. If a woman asks you what time it is, she may be in love with you, or she may want to kill you. If a man asks you what time it is, he wants to know what time it is.



Exactly. If a woman leans close at dinner, I think she has a bad back, or if she plays with her hair, I'll think she either has lice, itchy scalp or really crappy shampoo. To this day when a woman says "I LOVE YOU" all jokes aside, I look behind me to see if there's another guy behind me.


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