# A Question for our Resident BBWs



## landshark (Jun 3, 2016)

My wife is not happy with her weight or the way she looks. However as we're out and about she routinely compliments other BBWs for the way they look. Or, knowing I have the preferences I do, will point out a girl who is overweight and ask if I think she's pretty, if she's the kind of girl I would have dated before getting married, etc. She'll sometimes even point out other BBWs to me because she knows I'll think they're pretty. And she can understand why I think they're pretty. Because they are.

So why is it she can see the physical appeal and beauty of so many other BBWs and not her own? Do any of our resident BBWs go through this too? And if so, why is this?


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## lucca23v2 (Jun 3, 2016)

happily_married said:


> My wife is not happy with her weight or the way she looks. However as we're out and about she routinely compliments other BBWs for the way they look. Or, knowing I have the preferences I do, will point out a girl who is overweight and ask if I think she's pretty, if she's the kind of girl I would have dated before getting married, etc. She'll sometimes even point out other BBWs to me because she knows I'll think they're pretty. And she can understand why I think they're pretty. Because they are.
> 
> So why is it she can see the physical appeal and beauty of so many other BBWs and not her own? Do any of our resident BBWs go through this too? And if so, why is this?


 

LOL.. this is not a BBW issue. This is a woman issue. For me, when I look in the mirror I see the parts of me that men would consider attractive and would find me pretty/cute/etc. However, I know myself and I know my not so sexy parts and those are more visible to me than the sexy ones.

Think of it like this. Say you are making a painting and it is in a gallery for sale. People look at it and tell you, it is a beautiful painting and it is great, etc. Most won't see any flaws, very few see minor flaws but overlook them and still find the painting beautiful and amazing._ *(Sorry MattB I know the word is over used..lol)* _But when you look at it, all you see are the errors you made that make it imperfect.

It is just that want of being perfect that I think everyone has. It is what I call that "I wish....." factor. You know, the I wish my hair was straighter/curly/blond/black... or I wish I had wider/smaller hips, lips, boobs..


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## landshark (Jun 3, 2016)

lucca23v2 said:


> LOL.. this is not a BBW issue. This is a woman issue. For me, when I look in the mirror I see the parts of me that men would consider attractive and would find me pretty/cute/etc. However, I know myself and I know my not so sexy parts and those are more visible to me than the sexy ones.
> 
> Think of it like this. Say you are making a painting and it is in a gallery for sale. People look at it and tell you, it is a beautiful painting and it is great, etc. Most won't see any flaws, very few see minor flaws but overlook them and still find the painting beautiful and amazing._ *(Sorry MattB I know the word is over used..lol)* _But when you look at it, all you see are the errors you made that make it imperfect.
> 
> It is just that want of being perfect that I think everyone has. It is what I call that "I wish....." factor. You know, the I wish my hair was straighter/curly/blond/black... or I wish I had wider/smaller hips, lips, boobs..



Haha, you are probably right. I'm definitely familiar with the idea that many of us are our own worst critics. I just find it a bit exasperating that my wife can spontaneously tell another BBW how beautiful she is. I'm talking a complete stranger she'll randomly compliment, then turn around and see her own reflection in the mirror and groan.


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## lucca23v2 (Jun 3, 2016)

happily_married said:


> Haha, you are probably right. I'm definitely familiar with the idea that many of us are our own worst critics. I just find it a bit exasperating that my wife can spontaneously tell another BBW how beautiful she is. I'm talking a complete stranger she'll randomly compliment, then turn around and see her own reflection in the mirror and groan.


 
Women! Who can understand them!... LOL


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## agouderia (Jun 4, 2016)

happily_married said:


> So why is it she can see the physical appeal and beauty of so many other BBWs and not her own? Do any of our resident BBWs go through this too? And if so, why is this?



I can totally relate to where your wife is coming from.

It's actually rather simple. One element is what lucca pointed out that girls are raised to be rather self-critical. The other is the social context.

With others she can objectively assess their looks, strengths and weaknesses - because she has an unbiased perspective on them.

Looking at herself - she sees her own looks through the filter of all the assessments she has ever received in her life. And if you don't meet the petite, skinny ideal as a woman, from early on, you will have received many, if not most or in the worst case almost only negative assessments and reactions.

The problem of today's lookism is that being thin is the only thing that really counts for a woman. If a woman wears a size 4, everybody will be gushing about what a slim = beautiful figure she has. Even if her features are unattractive, she's pre-maturely aged, half-starved, or whatever - and objectively unattractive. On the other hand, even an objectively stunningly beautiful woman like Ashley Graham gets a lot of fat-bashing and libeling she is ugly just because she wears a size 16.

Your love and admiration for your wife and her looks simply can't make up and counteract an entire universe of a criticisim which her body-type faces in the real world. On a cognitive level she probably is able to view her looks, her strong points, what suits her more rationally - but it is extremely difficult to almost impossible to internalize that on an emotional, affective level in the face of societal opposition.


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## landshark (Jun 4, 2016)

Agouderia, that was a really good post and really gets under the hood of the narrative that we are often our own worst critics. Thank you for breaking that down a little further.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 4, 2016)

I do the same thing as your wife. I can sometimes see the beauty in other bigger ladies but it's kinda hard not to down myself sometimes. My fiance hates when I do it, too. 

Yes, I know he finds me attractive.
Yes, I have found that he can see me as pretty even in bad moments. 
Yes, he finds it frustrating that I don't see myself the way he does. 


Ultimately, I believe he simply views me through "heart shaped glasses".

I realize that many other people easily don't find me as attractive as he does. Why? They aren't him.

It could be this simple with your wife. She knows you see her as beautiful but she also probably realizes that not everyone else will. 
In a world where women's bodies are constantly objectified and broken down into "community property" , it's hard to be totally self confident when out in that same world. 

It's not you or anything you have done wrong. It all goes back to what the other ladies have said already....it's conditioning.

If your wife is confident with YOU, then you have already done something right


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## Marlayna (Jun 4, 2016)

lucca23v2 said:


> LOL.. this is not a BBW issue. This is a woman issue. For me, when I look in the mirror I see the parts of me that men would consider attractive and would find me pretty/cute/etc. However, I know myself and I know my not so sexy parts and those are more visible to me than the sexy ones.
> 
> Think of it like this. Say you are making a painting and it is in a gallery for sale. People look at it and tell you, it is a beautiful painting and it is great, etc. Most won't see any flaws, very few see minor flaws but overlook them and still find the painting beautiful and amazing._ *(Sorry MattB I know the word is over used..lol)* _But when you look at it, all you see are the errors you made that make it imperfect.
> 
> It is just that want of being perfect that I think everyone has. It is what I call that "I wish....." factor. You know, the I wish my hair was straighter/curly/blond/black... or I wish I had wider/smaller hips, lips, boobs..


We're our own worst critics.


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## lucca23v2 (Jun 5, 2016)

Women are their own worst critics. But it is because it starts off with.. "you have such a pretty face.. if you lost 10 or 15lbs... you would be gorgeous" and then it is all downhill from there.


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## fritzi (Jun 8, 2016)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Ultimately, I believe he simply views me through "heart shaped glasses".



What a great - and true - metaphor! Only so sad not more people wear them!


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## seavixen (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a late-ish response, but it reminds me of a conversation that a friend and I had recently, wherein we discussed the strangeness of the fact that we're totally accepting of other women wearing things we would *never* feel comfortable in - even if their bodies are similar, they're showing visible belly line, or some other thing that we can't deal with doing ourselves. I can look at another woman and say, "That looks good! She's pretty! I wish I could wear that!" or whatever, but I simply cannot do the same thing with myself. It's totally possible that I would say this about me, if I had no idea that I was looking at myself.

I think it's absolutely just a case of us being our own worst critics. I'm the same with pretty much anything - singing, writing, whatever; our standards for ourselves are usually significantly higher (or just plain unreasonable) than those we impose upon others.


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## landshark (Jun 28, 2016)

seavixen said:


> This is a late-ish response, but it reminds me of a conversation that a friend and I had recently, wherein we discussed the strangeness of the fact that we're totally accepting of other women wearing things we would *never* feel comfortable in - even if their bodies are similar, they're showing visible belly line, or some other thing that we can't deal with doing ourselves. I can look at another woman and say, "That looks good! She's pretty! I wish I could wear that!" or whatever, but I simply cannot do the same thing with myself. It's totally possible that I would say this about me, if I had no idea that I was looking at myself.
> 
> I think it's absolutely just a case of us being our own worst critics. I'm the same with pretty much anything - singing, writing, whatever; our standards for ourselves are usually significantly higher (or just plain unreasonable) than those we impose upon others.



Something like this happened just yesterday. A woman of similar dimensions to my wife was wearing short shorts, not quite Daisy Duke shorts, but not much longer. She looked killer good and even my wife said so. I asked her if she wanted to go get some shorts like that and she said, "Oh, no. There's no way in hell I'd wear that." :doh: And that's literally RIGHT AFTER she said the other woman looked good! 

And I agree, we're our own worst critics. I suppose it's amplified for a BBW because in an era where we are accepting of just about everything now, overweight women are still very much social and cultural outcasts. And they know it.


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## JolieRonde (Jun 30, 2016)

In France we have a proverb that say "L'herbe est toujours plus verte ailleurs", which means "the grass is always greener elsewhere".It's always better to the neighboor, even if we look like a girl we will find the other nicer, thiner, prettier.I agree with others in here, it's a woman thing, plus your wife seems not so self assured, even if you told her she's beautiful or/and she knows you preferences..As you told us, she's not comfortable with her weight, if she was, she may be that way, but less.About what happened with the short shorts, i admit i'm quite like this, i see somme youtibe or bloggers wear nice outfits , they seem to be my size, but even if i found them beautiful, i'm like "i coulg never ever wear that, it will be horrible on me" even if i think i'm quite self assured , and that's a point , it might be amplified for we, big girls..


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