# New member, not so new FFA. With a not so new problem.



## rabbitislove (Dec 17, 2006)

New member here. My names Jeni and I love chubby boys. I love their rounded cheeks, their hugs, but most importantly: their soft bellies. Nothing makes me go weaker than a boy with a big soft belly (They make good pillows you know). Im a firm believer in the adage "The more the cushion the better the pushin" 

However, Im not as open about admitting it as I am on the internet. My current boyfriend is sexy as hell (will have to post pics later) but makes several fatphobic comments about his weight and insists he needs to lose weight. I just wish I could convey to him that Im attracted to him the way he is and I wish I could touch his belly without him thinking Im a freak. I try not to linger to long with that while we're getting intimate. My problem is Im afraid he'll think Im a freak if I tell him.

I was in an abusive relationship for a year with another BHM who depricated me about it because of his own self loathing and made me feel like a freak when I told him. Plus, a love of fat people isnt exactly accepted in Western cultures. 

Our sex life has been suffering and I wonder if being more open about my turnons would help. Any advice?


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## estrata (Dec 17, 2006)

I think to have a meaningful relationship you need to be open about everything. I know it will be very hard though because of your last relationship, but if you want to heal from what you went through than you need to learn to trust again.

He might be weirded out at first but just explain to him that some people like guys with big muscles, some people like tall guys, you like big guys. And if he does treat you like a freak than it's his problem, not yours. But try to be brave and open up, no matter what happens.


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## Blondeegrldd (Dec 17, 2006)

rabbitislove said:


> Our sex life has been suffering and I wonder if being more open about my turnons would help. Any advice?



Yes, it would help. In fact, I think it is the only thing that could help.

The only other alternative is to agree with him when he puts himself down... but for obvious reasons that won't make him feel sexier.

My advice: When you are getting intimate with your boyfriend, start slowly, place your hands on his belly and tell him how hot you think his belly is. Don't be vague, you have to mention that his belly is specifically hot on its own aside from his other good qualities. It won't make him - poof - feel different about his body, but at least you broke the ice and told him how you feel.


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## lemmink (Dec 20, 2006)

I've had to leave guys before because they kept on about how much they hated their bodies... I just couldn't deal with it, and I just couldn't bring myself to say that I loved their fat specifically, and not just say, "Oh, I like you as you are..."

When I finally did say, "I love that you're getting fat," to my boyfriend - the first person I'd ever admitted that to - it really changed our relationship, and well, he's now stopped talking about dieting. (Except as a threat if he wants something I won't give him.) Do tell him eventually - after you work up to it! - that you find it attractive. I wish you both the best!


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## Karebehr (Dec 20, 2006)

Hi Jenni
As a SSBHM my-self, I think you need to tell him your feelings on this subject. I personally would be thrilled to know my g/f liked me the way I am, and actually got turned on by it. There are not many women who do like bhm's and he probably thinks he needs to change to keep you in his life. I know I have felt like this alot in the past before I found there are women who do like guys built like me.
Anyway, good luck !
Larry

P.S. I should of started with a hello from across the river in Ontario!
Take care!


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## kattylee (Dec 20, 2006)

I am in exactly the same postion! And when he says, "Oh, I'm gettin fat" I tend to just ignore it, or just mumble "everyone puts on a little weight in a happy relationship". I cant say those words, " I LIKE IT!"!


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## Buffetbelly (Dec 20, 2006)

I wonder, is an admission of liking fat bellies harder for thin FFA's than it is for BBW-FFA's? 

There's kind of an assumption that like attracts like and that fat chicks go for fat dudes. From my experience having been thin and fat, when I was thin I could never get a flirtation going with a BBW in real life (not at a BBW dance). They would make a face as if they thought I was teasing them or toying with them or feeling revulsed by them. This totally went away once I got fat myself. Now BBW's in real life flirt with me like crazy and even initiate flirtations with me. They assume that a big guy like me will be amenable to a big woman. 

I imagine the same scenario might play out for you thin FFA's if you ever gained weight. BHM's might not be so threatened by your flirtatious advances, and not be so apt to interpret positive attention as negative attention.


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## kattylee (Dec 20, 2006)

So you think if we were to gain together he would be more likely to embrace the extra poundage. Im not a gainer technically myself, and am quite slim. But right now, I'm stuffed (we bought lots of pizza!) x


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## FreneticFangs (Dec 28, 2006)

I've never had that problem. I mean... I start out slow. Like hugs around the waist, etc. Once it becomes sexual, they know I'm into their bellies before I even have to tell them. Most end up asking me. At which point I go "Hell yeah bellies are sexy!" which in a few weeks becomes "fat is sexy" and in about a month becomes "eat while we have sex."
^.^ I think I'm just lucky I'm that open about it. It comes off that I don't like sex any other way and I'm repulsed by thin men (which is true). Most BHMs accept it.


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## keith (Dec 28, 2006)

I'd strongly encourage you to be open about how you feel, for both your sakes. I'm not saying that it's a panacea and will instantly make everything perfect, but I think it'd be better than hiding yourself from someone you want to be close to.


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## AZ_Wolf (Dec 30, 2006)

While I am receptive to any signals, I think even if I wasn't, FreneticFangs has it. Be subtle, say something positive, be affectionate, then gauge responses....


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## SnapDragon (Dec 31, 2006)

I think the positive consequences of telling your boyfriend you like him fat are likely to outweigh by far any negative ones. Look at it from the other angle -- on the bottom line, if you disliked an aspect of yourself or a part of your body, wouldn't you feel a lot better if you knew the person you were with liked it? It won't necessarily mean he'll suddenly change his entire outlook on life, his body, and his relationship with you (although it might), but it's likely to save him a lot on embarrassment and self doubt if he is worried about what you might think of his appearance.

I'm a thin, flat-chested woman, who in my own opinion looks like a boy. It changed my opinion of my appearance somewhat when my ex-boyfriend told me he thought big bosoms were unattractive and preferred women with small tits. It didn't make me feel sexy, but it stopped bothering me so much, and I didn't worry that I looked revolting every time I had to take my shirt off in front of him.

As a teenager, I was dreadfully embarrassed about liking fat men. I wouldn't admit it to anyone and used to hide magazine clippings of Robbie Coltrane and John Candy under a loose floorboard in my bedroom. Those days, if I saw a nice fat boy being picked on about his weight, I would say nothing. I would even (shame on me) make derogatory comments about fat people because of the insecurity I felt about my own weird fetish being discovered. It gets easier as you get older and start to care less about what other people think of you. Also, as Estrata said, I think it is really as simple as some people liking fat people, and other people liking tall people etc. The ex boyfriend mentioned above worked out fairly quickly that I liked him fat, and these days I find it easier to admit casually in social situations that fat guys are my 'type'. It's also possible to flirt with someone about their fatness by turning it into a compliment. 

-SnapDragon


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## fat hiker (Jan 8, 2007)

"...makes several fatphobic comments about his weight and insists he needs to lose weight..."

He makes the comments, but does he actually do anything about losing weight? I think a lot of us fat guys have been in this situation of low (or high) level self-loathing, cracking the fatphobic jokes and and making much of our need to lose weight, in order to 'fit in' in a fatphobic society, or with fatphobic friends, or with girlfriends who we (wrongly) assumed like us for something other than our chunky/thick/fat/BHM bodies. If your boyfriend talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk - especially if he obvious enjoys food, second helpings, etc. - then he may only be cracking fatphobic jokes because he (subconsciously) thinks he needs to in order to fit in, and to meet his preconceptions of your interests - ie., that you like him but not his chunky/thick/fat body. You must correct this impression! Many of the previous posters have given great examples of this, to which I will add one - tell him that he's good looking as he is NOW. I had to hear that a lot before I believed anyone would find my fat body attractive, thanks to years of programming by my fatphobic family and society. One girlfriend started it by telling me that I was "not ugly", if you can believe it. And then I discovered sites like this and found that thin is not "in"!


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## scarcity (Jan 12, 2007)

rabbitislove said:


> Our sex life has been suffering and I wonder if being more open about my turnons would help.



I'm glad (for you) that your bf has some meat on his bones. Mine hasn't. Well, he has a little - but it just ain't enough! He already thinks he's fat, but he isn't even chubby. I'm always telling him how sexy he'd look if he gained around 20 pounds but he bluntly says no to that. Disappointing.

And my theory is that because I don't think he's sexy enough our sex life sucks. It's robotic and boring and I don't get anything out of it.

So if you have any secret ways to fatten up a bf or a magic word that makes him eat like more I'd gladly like to hear it


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## ciccia (Jan 14, 2007)

Well, you should let him know anyway.. But this doesn't mean that he'll change his idea on losing weight, he might even start to hate you for adoring his fat (my own experience).. I hope not and i wish you good luck! Anyway, you should tell it openly, and then see what happens.


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## chubloverUK86 (Jan 14, 2007)

scarcity said:


> I'm always telling him how sexy he'd look if he gained around 20 pounds but he bluntly says no to that. Disappointing.



Personally, I think you might want to be careful there. Broaching the idea that you think he might look better with a bit more meat on him is fair enough, and generally harmless, so long as it's subtle, but any more than that isn't really fair in my opinion.

Of course, I'm sure you mean no harm by it. But try putting yourself in the opposite position. I mean, there are lots of fat people out there who get depressed because their partners "mention" to them that they'd look better if they lost some weight. This is no different, it's just the reverse. I wonder how your boyfriend would feel if he knew you didn't find him sexually attractive. That's important to a lot of people. I would hate to think that my partner didn't find me attractive, and only had sex with me as a matter of course...


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## missaf (Jan 14, 2007)

I have to agree with chubloverUK86... It's like any other man telling his woman "You'd look awesome if you lost 10 pounds, baby!"


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## scarcity (Jan 16, 2007)

chubloverUK86 said:


> Personally, I think you might want to be careful there. Broaching the idea that you think he might look better with a bit more meat on him is fair enough, and generally harmless, so long as it's subtle, but any more than that isn't really fair in my opinion.
> 
> Of course, I'm sure you mean no harm by it. But try putting yourself in the opposite position. I mean, there are lots of fat people out there who get depressed because their partners "mention" to them that they'd look better if they lost some weight. This is no different, it's just the reverse. I wonder how your boyfriend would feel if he knew you didn't find him sexually attractive. That's important to a lot of people. I would hate to think that my partner didn't find me attractive, and only had sex with me as a matter of course...



I know that I'm being unfair. I myself wouldn't gain for him if he wanted (which he doesn't). In my defense I did exaggerate a little, I'm not 'always' telling him. Once a month sounds more like the truth.

And the thing is... we've been together for almost 3 years and I'm starting to lose interest in his body. I don't want that happening because I don't know what the consequences would be. Maybe I'm shallow (which I think I am) and lose interest in him as a person. I don't want that, either.

I guess I'm just responding to the fear of what might happen, by asking him to gain weight.

Please, don't misjudge me.


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## ciccia (Jan 18, 2007)

scarcity said:


> IMaybe I'm shallow (which I think I am) and lose interest in him as a person. I don't want that, either.
> 
> I guess I'm just responding to the fear of what might happen, by asking him to gain weight.
> 
> Please, don't misjudge me.



I don't think you're shallow.. (all this reminds me of a thread i started some time ago), briefly - 

Lesbians prefer women. They aren't being called shallow for not going out with men. And the society's ok with it.

You prefer fat men. And it works the same way.

Somebody would ask - so why an FFA would begin a relationship with a man who isn't fat enough? 
Because there's a hope, and it's natural. 
It would be ridiculous for a lesbian to date a man and hope that one day he would become a lesbian woman, it's not common, not natural.
But getting fat is a *natural* thing that happens often - to men after the age of 30/40, to teenage girls, to couples getting married, etc. - to almost everybody.
That's why an FFA who dates a man who isn't fat enouhg yet, isn't shallow and doesn't mean bad - she's just humane, and it's humane to hope, and logical to suppose he would gain because the majority of men gain weight with age, marriage, secure job, and other factors - it's simply more possible that he will get fat rather than stay thin.

IMHO.

*It's not being shallow. *


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## scarcity (Jan 18, 2007)

ciccia said:


> I don't think you're shallow.. (all this reminds me of a thread i started some time ago), briefly -
> 
> Lesbians prefer women. They aren't being called shallow for not going out with men. And the society's ok with it.
> 
> ...



Thanks for that. I feel a little better now  

We met online AND I didn't know that I preferred chubby/fat men, then. He made me realise it by having a few extra pounds :wubu:


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## ciccia (Jan 18, 2007)

scarcity said:


> Thanks for that. I feel a little better now
> 
> We met online AND I didn't know that I preferred chubby/fat men, then. He made me realise it by having a few extra pounds :wubu:



Your welcome  I just think that it makes no sense to blame ourselves for who we are, because we are ourselves every day of our lives, it would't be nice to be always blamed 

Funny thing - you know i realised (or better to say RErealised) my preference nearly the same way - when we met he was just a little overweight and since i know him he's been gaining (total 20 kg gain!) :wubu:

Actually i realised my preference for the first time at the age when girls begin to notice boys, but i quickly understood that i'd be made a fool of for the rest of my school days if i went out with chubby guys. So to be "normal" i guess i just succeeded at throwing it away from my head and soul. What a fool have i been (but it's not that easy to resist the social pressure when you're 10-12 years old)! 

And i guess that it's a combination of the true love and gaining weight that made it possible to ruin that sort of a barrier that i created so many years ago! 

Anyway, even if being different from the majority causes some (and sometimes too many) problems, i'm happy to be myself, FFA.


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## scarcity (Jan 18, 2007)

ciccia said:


> Your welcome  I just think that it makes no sense to blame ourselves for who we are, because we are ourselves every day of our lives, it would't be nice to be always blamed
> 
> Funny thing - you know i realised (or better to say RErealised) my preference nearly the same way - when we met he was just a little overweight and since i know him he's been gaining (total 20 kg gain!) :wubu:
> 
> ...



20kg ... That's double my boyfriend has gained since we met.

When I found out I preferred fatter guys memories started flooding back from my childhood. I always wanted to have a pet I could fatten up (sounds sick), that Simpsons show and many other things.

In fact, I only found out 2 years ago


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## ciccia (Jan 18, 2007)

scarcity said:


> 20kg ... That's double my boyfriend has gained since we met.
> 
> When I found out I preferred fatter guys memories started flooding back from my childhood. I always wanted to have a pet I could fatten up (sounds sick), that Simpsons show and many other things.
> 
> In fact, I only found out 2 years ago



Same thing with me  Memories've been flooding back more and more as my love's been getting chubbier and chubbier.

And i actually REfound it out a year and few months ago only! 

And BTW it doesn't sound sick to fatten up a pet.. good idea for the future in case if my boyfriend decided to go on a diet  kidding 

And BTW nice to meet you, you sound to be a nice person


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## scarcity (Jan 18, 2007)

ciccia said:


> Same thing with me  Memories've been flooding back more and more as my love's been getting chubbier and chubbier.
> 
> And i actually REfound it out a year and few months ago only!
> 
> ...



Nice meeting you too  Where do you live in Italy? 'Cuz a friend of mine spent a year in Italy as an exchange student. She loved it.


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