# You'll Never Have A BF: Female Competition and Fat



## superodalisque (Mar 3, 2008)

A few weeks ago i was listening to the WLS and teens discussion on oprah. there was a teenager's mother who said that the defining moment for her in deciding for WLS for her daughter was when the teen came home crying because the other girls had said that she'd never have a BF. 

this kind of talk always makes me sad. it makes me harken back to the days when i was 10 or 11 and had no experience with boys or could care less. i used to hear it a lot from my mother and sister. it scared and worried me at the time even though i was a late bloomer. i wasn't sure why it should but it did. by the time i was 12 i had more male interest than my 16 year old sister even though i could still care less about boys. i think its probably a natural thing that i had more interest because i wasn't really very big and had a womanly figure. my sister was the streamline athletic type. but i still know that the interest was a big shock to my mother and sister and they felt that they had "lost" somehow. 

thinking about this all has me wondering. barring all of the other more important reasons a woman might have to lose weight is it really male interest women are after when it comes down to it? or is it really about female on female competition? i wonder how much what women do in regard to their weight is really about attracting men, or just about how they feel they should be to trump other women. what do you think?

PS: i don't think our weight should be predicated on attracting men either but this is often one of the reasons people feel women should feel pressure to lose weight and i just thought that claim was bogus anyway.


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## goofy girl (Mar 3, 2008)

My mom was always the one that said I would never have a bf if I didn't lose weight


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## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 3, 2008)

Yeah, for me it was my grandmother and grandfather that said that kind of thing all the time.

Dear boys I've dated over the last eight years,

I'm a figment of your imagination, as you couldn't possibly have wanted to date me.

Love,

Me.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Mar 3, 2008)

From what I've seen, and heard - both directed at me and from listening to discussions around me - a somewhat major factor in a girl's/young woman's weight - control, we'll say - attempts stems from the common perception of what it takes to attract men. I say "common" because, as all us here know, bony twigs are not desirable.


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## LalaCity (Mar 3, 2008)

At my heaviest weight a few years back, I had a boyfriend who was very devoted to me...and my aunt (herself a big woman and apparently very bitter and angry, for some reason) told me, "You're lucky -- he loves you in _spite_ of what you look like..."


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## bexy (Mar 3, 2008)

*luckily i never had anyone i know say this to me, family or friends. however i have had strangers say it to me, or similar.

some girls never seem to be able to believe i have a boyfriend, and that hes cute like mine. they just approach him in clubs as if im invisible and im like "ahem" only to have them clean ASTONISHED when they discover we are a couple.

also a friend of mines mum says stuff to her a lot, like "boys dont make passes at girls with fat asses"...


like hello?? what boy likes a skinny ass?

its a shame these type of things happen. its just emotional blackmail especially in a talk show environment. make the already vulnerable and embarrassed young girl feel even worse about herself=good ratings *


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## mszwebs (Mar 3, 2008)

LalaCity said:


> At my heaviest weight a few years back, I had a boyfriend who was very devoted to me...and my aunt (herself a big woman and apparently very bitter and angry, for some reason) told me, "You're lucky -- he loves you in _spite_ of what you look like..."



AKKKK!

My mom says the same shite to me all the time. "Hopefully, someday, you'll find someone who loves you despite your shape."

Apparently I've been looking for men who love women shaped like horses...and they're just going to have to settle for me.

Despite my shape... THANKS MOM


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## Dr. Feelgood (Mar 3, 2008)

I notice that the other posters all seem to have gotten the "You'll never have a BF" line from other women. I wonder if it is commoner to hear this from women than men, because it seems to me to indicate a very low opinion of men's taste and intelligence, as if we're all superficial.

And what about the other half of the picture? Are BHMs regularly told "You'll never have a GF"? Inquiring minds want to know. Mind does, anyway.


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## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 3, 2008)

My grandfather was actually worse about this than my grandmother - YMMV.


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## tonynyc (Mar 3, 2008)

This is a pretty good thread and certianly brings up several points to consider... 

Society is constantly bombarding us and especially people of size on what what is 'desireable' ... Women (thin or large) are judged on looks and men are generally judged on the level of their success. Now, that is not to say that BBWs cannot be judged by the level of success... 

You can only look at the crop of reality shows that are out there . (Flavor of Love/Rock of Love/ Millionare Matchmaker). You look at the men on these shows...Their looks vary (pending on what one considers acceptable or not) ;but, all have had some level of past or current success in their field. In this society unless a man is lucky enough to have model looks; they are often judged by how 'successful' or the 'potential for success that they have. The women have to all look or fit what 'the media' sees as attractive which is not reality. 

As for BHM the dealmaker that most folks have told me was height. If a BHM was short; it's a tough package to sell.... 

Now here is another dynamic to consider. I remember chatting with a BBW about attending her first regional bashand the level of attention that she got at the event (to the point of being swarmed by FAs).

So... in one sense a BBW can come from a scenario (non-BBW) world where you can get an occassional compliment to the BBW environment (Dances,Bashes) etc. where you are swamped and that can be either 'great' or 'overwhelming'. I wonder how some of you BBW posters feel about this ?


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## Tina (Mar 3, 2008)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I notice that the other posters all seem to have gotten the "You'll never have a BF" line from other women. I wonder if it is commoner to hear this from women than men, because it seems to me to indicate a very low opinion of men's taste and intelligence, as if we're all superficial.


Many years ago, my mother told me, "you have the body of an 80year-old woman and no man will ever love you."

That was her own fear talking. Time after time, doctors would tell her that she'd have to put me on a diet or I'd die way before my time, as a young woman, etc. A study was done some years ago (6 or 7 maybe?) that stated the mother with body image problems passed those problems down to their daughters. Now, two things:

First, mothers, especially in my day, were the ones to parent the children, and often stayed home with them, at least part time. It was the mother that took the child to the doctor, who got the lectures, etc. 

Second, it's also women who have pretty much ALWAYS been told what they should look like and likely internalized all of that, which is why it gets passed down to the daughter/s. How many women/mothers verbalize the horrid things they think to, and about, themselves? From generation to generation, women are socialized to be body conscious and to fit into whatever the socially accepted norm is for how women of the day should look. Brainwashing wouldn't be to strong a term. It's going to come out somewhere. I think it's particularly common to have a girl or young woman with a mother with body image problems who vocalizes them, and maybe even criticizes her daughter. The daughter then pass that on to friends, and the cycle continues, on and on, until she has her own daughter (if she decides to have children), and then continues to pass it on, if she doesn't change her thinking and consciously decide not to do that to her own child.

My own father pulled a Stallone on my mother way back when. Fatness has always run in the family, and my mother was always plump and very curvy. He told her when she was pregnant with me that if she got fat he'd leave her. Nice, eh? So he really screwed with her mind, and of course, her telling me that kind of screwed with mine, too.


> And what about the other half of the picture? Are BHMs regularly told "You'll never have a GF"? Inquiring minds want to know. Mind does, anyway.


Dunno, but I never, ever said anything to my son about that, and never tried to make him diet. His body, his decision. Taught him about food and then let him make his own decisions.


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## HottiMegan (Mar 3, 2008)

The same idea has been reiterated in a wls commercial that runs several times a day during the afternoon of some woman who says "i can get a date now!" after having the surgery. It sure seems like they were implying that before her "miraculous" weight loss she couldn't get a date. 

My friends and I never dated until our senior years of high school. We were geeks though, so we probably wouldn't have dated even if the opportunity would have been thrown in our paths  My mom has harped on me for my weight since i was 6 or 7. She led me to believe that i'd never get married, have a job, have kids, lead a normal life.


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## toni (Mar 4, 2008)

Same here. I think I was 8 years old when my mother started telling me I would never get married because I was fat. She sad not even fat men want fat women. 

Looking back at it all. It was so damaging. It caused me to act out and seek attention from men because I thought I did not deserve them. I did a lot of stuff way too early in life. I still have self worth issues. 

I thought my mom's thoughtless words were rare. It makes me so sad to see that many of you went through the same thing. I wish women would stop doing this to their daughters. Why can't they see that it hurts sooooooooo bad!?!?!? I could never do that to my daughter. I tell her every day that she is the prettiest princess in the world.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 4, 2008)

Oh my mother gave me her food issues and then some. She always told me no man would ever want me. And so did so many adults when I was a child I just believed it. I do think had I not found NAAFA I would still be single living with my parents. Now that's a horrifying thought.:shocked::shocked:


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## mszwebs (Mar 4, 2008)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Oh my mother gave me her food issues and then some. She always told me no man would ever want me. And so did so many adults when I was a child I just believed it. I do think had I not found NAAFA I would still be single living with my parents. Now that's a horrifying thought.:shocked::shocked:



Shit. I am single and living with my mom. AND i went to a NAAFA convention...

Things are not looking well for me people...


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## NoWayOut (Mar 4, 2008)

And then you realize that there are men who love big women not in spite of their size, but because of it.


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## MoonGoddess (Mar 4, 2008)

LalaCity said:


> At my heaviest weight a few years back, I had a boyfriend who was very devoted to me...and my aunt (herself a big woman and apparently very bitter and angry, for some reason) told me, "You're lucky -- he loves you in _spite_ of what you look like..."



Good for you! And as for your aunt...that was just downright cold.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Mar 4, 2008)

Tina said:


> First, mothers, especially in my day, were the ones to parent the children, and often stayed home with them, at least part time.



See, I think this is the whole heart of the matter of female competition in general. Not just relating to weight. Because mothers have (traditionally) had so much influence, especially on their daughters I think many women internalize the message that what women think about you is slightly more important than what men think about you. I'm not saying that's always true, but I think the OP's question is interesting and strikes at the heart of a lot of female behavior. I think women feel pressure from other women about their looks as much if not more than they feel it from men. I mean think about fashion and name brands and what you wear to work and all those other things. I bet most men aren't really paying any attention to, say, our shoes. (Not to fall back on a stereotype, but it's a conceptual question as well, so I thought that was a good example). 

I also think that women of all shapes and sizes find themselves in a relationship with a man who loves their body, but many still feel external pressure from society about it anyway, and a lot of times that "society" we worry about is really other women.

Also, if many of the negative images about a woman's body growing up come from her mother and one of them is "you'll never find a man" actually, even male approval becomes tied up with your mother in a strange, removed kind of way. At least the psychological issues that may be involved. So even wanting a man's approval has the specter of "female judgement" over it as well, if that makes sense. Sadly, I really do think a lot of times we women can be our own worst enemies. And that's very tragic. (I don't mean the women here at Dims, of course, I mean women in general and certainly not all women. I love many of my fellow females.)


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## BBW Betty (Mar 4, 2008)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Oh my mother gave me her food issues and then some. She always told me no man would ever want me. And so did so many adults when I was a child I just believed it. I do think had I not found NAAFA I would still be single living with my parents. Now that's a horrifying thought.:shocked::shocked:



I heard the message from my mom, too, about how I'd never get a boyfriend if I didn't lose weight. I'll admit through high school and college, my experiences seemed to back her up on that. And then, after college, I couldn't seem to find a teaching job, either. I was subbing and holding other part-time jobs for 7 years, before I finally was hired to teach in a residential treatment center. But all those years still at home, I very often heard, "Why don't you lose some weight, get a job, and get a man?!!" That's verbatim, folks.

Anyway, I got the job, put on more weight, and then did meet and marry my sweetie, Frank. It was quite the experience, and the look in his eye, as well as that fact that when we met and shook hands, he held on that split second more than "proper," and I knew he liked what he saw. Very liberating after a lifetime of hearing only negatives about my weight.


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## Keb (Mar 4, 2008)

It's hard not to internalize the message when it's so constant, even from people who really do have good intentions when they say it. I keep reminding myself that there are, in fact, thin girls who are single not-by-choice. Even so...


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## Friday (Mar 4, 2008)

They pass on their own fears. The best thing to do is pity them and then ignore them. My Mom cried the day I got married because she was so happy that I was happy and in the long run and all the hurtful comments included, that's all she ever really wanted. Just for me to be happy and healthy.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Mar 4, 2008)

mszwebs said:


> Shit. I am single and living with my mom. AND i went to a NAAFA convention...
> 
> Things are not looking well for me people...



I'm pretty sure your mom isn't like mine!! LOL


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## Fyreflyintheskye (Mar 4, 2008)

I never heard that one, Felecia, (then again, I didn't start dating until 21 LOL) but I got the one that _everyone_ hates from someone who (may he rest in peace) was the closest person to me when I was 18. I hadn't thought of it until just now, actually, so it wasn't traumatic or anything like that.  It was my Dad; he said, "cupcake, you would be *such* a knockout if you lost a hundred pounds." Bleh. That's the quintessential one I think all of us have gotten... the 'you have such a pretty face,' or a reasonable facsimile one. You know the one! lol. :doh: I know he was coming from his era of 'svelte=beauty,' so it was water off a duck's back.


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## Just_Jen (Mar 4, 2008)

heh seems like a lot of us are hearing this crap from someone or other

to sum up = people suck, 
we rule and the boys who cant have us drool 
the end


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## TallFatSue (Mar 4, 2008)

Tina said:


> Many years ago, my mother told me, "you have the body of an 80year-old woman and no man will ever love you."
> 
> That was her own fear talking.


Yes yes yes! My mother said I was wayyyy too fat ever to find a good boyfriend or husband, so I'd better get good grades and find a good career. She also told me boys don't make passes at girls with fat asses, and other such platitudes. On my wedding day it was fun to watch my mother beam with pride while she tried not to admit that she was just plain wrong. 


Tina said:


> My own father pulled a Stallone on my mother way back when. Fatness has always run in the family, and my mother was always plump and very curvy. He told her when she was pregnant with me that if she got fat he'd leave her. Nice, eh? So he really screwed with her mind, and of course, her telling me that kind of screwed with mine, too.


My father is pretty soft-spoken and easy-going. Sometimes when my mother nagged me about my weight, she claimed that my father would probably leave her if she was as fat as I was. On one memorable occasion my father overheard her say that, and it was one of the few times I ever saw him visibly angry. "I've never said any such thing to you! Don't you ever tell anyone that I did!" Verrrry interesting. She never used that line again. 

Oh, the mother-daughter mind games.


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## Tina (Mar 4, 2008)

How wonderful that your father stepped in and said that, Sue. My father passed away many years ago, so I was never able to know if my father would have been ashamed of me (or if he was ashamed to have had a fat child). That has always stayed with me. Even though I've come to love my bod, there's a little shadow in that part of my mind when I think about it, and wonder if he would have been proud of me anyway, or if he would really have left my mother (because she definitely got fat), and would have maybe been ashamed of me.

I have to think that not only was your father countering your mother when he said that, but was also sticking up for you, Sue.


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## goofy girl (Mar 4, 2008)

I'm sure my Mom never said that stuff to hurt me. She had been through it all herself, and was trying to keep me from being hurt like she had. She never told me I was ugly or anything, just mentioned from time to time that I should lose weight lol..which of course now she doesn't remember doing  And, anyway, she was wrong. I DID get a boyfriend. Not until I was 29 years old, but it happened


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## Smushygirl (Mar 4, 2008)

Hmmm, funnily enough it as my father who said those words to me. "No man will ever want you". He said it when I was eleven years old. And it was devastating, because I had never had that thought before.

Thinking back though, it was my mother that actually sowed the seeds of over eating in me. I was her buddy and we would pal around together, but I think she was stuffing because of the state of her marriage, and stuffing me as well. She has only commented on my weight a couple of times, but it was when I was least expecting it and it caught me off guard.

My mother's biggest nemesis was my sister, who looked exactly like her and was my father's favorite. In hindsight, I can clearly see that it was sexual jealousy. And even though my father is dead, they are still battling to this day and my mother is 87 and my sister is 54, lol!

Brought up some interesting thoughts! Great topic, F!


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## GoddessNoir (Mar 4, 2008)

I never got any of that at home. But, when I was 19, and had to leave the wonderfulness that was my pediatrician, I went to a doctor twice, who told me on my second visit, you're such a pretty girl but way too fat, don't you want a boyfriend? When I answered I already have one, he just said oh, like that was his entire argument for trying to get me to loose weight.


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## swordchick (Mar 4, 2008)

I can't remember being told that my fat would hinder me in finding a boyfriend. My mother loves fat men. My dad was fat for most of his life. Actually, they never talked about to me about dating anyone. I live in an area where you see a lot of fat females with partners.


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## toni (Mar 5, 2008)

goofy girl said:


> She never told me I was ugly or anything, just mentioned from time to time that I should lose weight lol..which of course now she doesn't remember doing



HA! Funny that. My mom swears she didn't do it, too.


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## southernfa (Mar 6, 2008)

superodalisque said:


> thinking about this all has me wondering. barring all of the other more important reasons a woman might have to lose weight is it really male interest women are after when it comes down to it? or is it really about female on female competition? i wonder how much what women do in regard to their weight is really about attracting men, or just about how they feel they should be to trump other women. what do you think?





Dr. P Marshall said:


> ...but I think the OP's question is interesting and strikes at the heart of a lot of female behavior. I think women feel pressure from other women about their looks as much if not more than they feel it from men. I mean think about fashion and name brands and what you wear to work and all those other things. I bet most men aren't really paying any attention to, say, our shoes. (Not to fall back on a stereotype, but it's a conceptual question as well, so I thought that was a good example).
> 
> I also think that women of all shapes and sizes find themselves in a relationship with a man who loves their body, but many still feel external pressure from society about it anyway, and a lot of times that "society" we worry about is really other women.



Hmmm, wearing my pseudo-psychologist's hat I wonder if striving for male attention and striving for status amongst females are not essentially two sides of the same coin. We have all heard plenty about male-competitiveness and the need to prove oneself as the "leader of the pack/alpha-male/silverback/whatever" but how about female competition to be the most desirable and attractive and therefore the "best"? And then pinning one's self-esteem to one's perceived success or lack thereof. And having lots of rules, such as "fashion", and "appropriateness" (which incidentally are completely bewildering to the males one is supposed to be being attractive to) to compete by. The competition becomes so intense, the purpose is forgotten.

The good doctor mentioned shoes. I was asked to comment on the latest new pair a couple of days ago. Personally, I think I should have got a medal for not laughing outright. However, in hindsight, describing them as looking like they came from one of those little figurines that pops out of a cuckoo clock wasn't my finest hour. Even though they did.

Do guys notice what you are wearing? Yes, up to a point. We can tell the difference between a bikini and a tracksuit. We know our primary colours. If we like what you are wearing we will think "I like that" and there is a fair probability that we will recognise it if you wear something similar again some day. But if you are expecting us to remember the subtle differences between 25 white blouses and be able to advise you which looks better with the jeans...

I received an email a few years back entitled "How to woo a woman". It rambled on at great length about kindness and sensitivity, responsiveness, paying attention, gifts, patience and things. The second part was shorter "How to woo a man - Show up naked. Bring food."


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## Russell Williams (Mar 6, 2008)

How do you do or say something that will be a vivid memory that fat children and teenagers can return to when their parents are telling them that no one will ever find a fat body attractive?

Years ago I would often go shopping with a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. Often she would send me off to find certain things on her list. Sometimes as I was returning with the item I would see a mother and child apparently gawking at this huge woman having the audacity to purchase more food. As I would pass by the gawkers I would loudly say, "Lady You Are Fat!". As I was approaching my co-conspirator with my arms wide so that I could hug her she would reply, "I bet you say that to all the beautiful fat women!" I would respond, "That's True!"

I would then proceed to give her a big hug and kiss, embrace her, and as I was holding her close run my hands up and down her back. Sometimes I would quietly add, "That feels so good!"

Our position was that it was better to have the mother telling her daughter that that fat man and fat woman should not be making out in the aisle of the grocery store then to have the mother telling her daughter that no one would ever find a fat woman attractive or interesting. Hopefully, each daughter that witnessed one of these episodes could refer back to it every time the mother or some other relative started off on the, "Because you are fat no man will ever find you attractive" routine.

One time some woman was so startled that she could not hold on to the jar of food she had just picked up and we heard it crash to the floor.

Since some people object to one form of signature and some to another you may pretend that I am signing with whatever form of signature you feel most comfortable with.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 6, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> My grandfather was actually worse about this than my grandmother - YMMV.




My Father said things more along the lines of putting down any heavy woman he saw...he made sure to do it in front of me. He also always felt that it was necessary to tell me how fat people can't get jobs and don't deserve respect. 
Oh and he always told me I was FAT FAT FAT from the age of 11 on......
All three of his children have been fat....and have eating disorders. 
Thanks Dad (and yes, my Mom was a whacko about weight too...just not as hateful about it as my Dad)


And, like Toni, I had something to "prove" and didn't feel worthy of the attention I got from boys/men in my younger years. (amazingly, I seemed to have a "steady stream" of it for supposedly being so damn fat/ugly/worthless  ) This did lead to me allowing myself not to be treated in a good way by everyone.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 6, 2008)

toni said:


> HA! Funny that. My mom swears she didn't do it, too.




Holy shit....my mother is the queen of shit talking and later denying it. Oh god, it's beautiful when someone else remembers her doing it and she can't call me a liar for it


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## BothGunsBlazing (Mar 6, 2008)

Obviously I've never really dealt with the whole "you're a fat girl so you'll never find a date" deal that a lot of you have unfortunately been through. I think I've had a variation of it though. My family used to tell me that I only dated fat girls because they made me feel safe, because they would never leave me .. because well, they're fat and should be happy to have anyone. They'd say this all matter of fact like, without it even registering as an insult. 

Talk about giving some one a complex .. 

I always wondered whether other guys on here had heard the same thing, but eh, I guess it's probably not really uncommon. Blah.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 6, 2008)

BothGunsBlazing said:


> Obviously I've never really dealt with the whole "you're a fat girl so you'll never find a date" deal that a lot of you have unfortunately been through. I think I've had a variation of it though. My family used to tell me that I only dated fat girls because they made me feel safe, because they would never leave me .. because well, they're fat and should be happy to have anyone. They'd say this all matter of fact like, without it even registering as an insult.
> 
> Talk about giving some one a complex ..
> 
> I always wondered whether other guys on here had heard the same thing, but eh, I guess it's probably not really uncommon. Blah.




This makes total sense....they were saying you dig fat girls because you feel you "can't do any better" ...or even insinuated it was true. :doh:


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 6, 2008)

How funny this would come up now! A few days ago I was in a discussion with my mother about dating and my vague future plans. I was talking about how all the guys I meet are in their 20's and in another mindset. She got strangely quiet and I wondered what she was thinking. This thread made me remember that my mother told me as a teen that the only guys I would attract would be old men. How funny.


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## Tina (Mar 6, 2008)

Ha!! No wonder she was quiet...


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## Keb (Mar 6, 2008)

It's less often said to me directly and far more often implied. And it's -so- easy to believe when my relationships have been few and far between. It's much easier to believe that's what's wrong with me than that there's something else, especially when everyone else thinks it's obvious.


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## Just_Jen (Mar 6, 2008)

Keb said:


> It's less often said to me directly and far more often implied. And it's -so- easy to believe when my relationships have been few and far between. It's much easier to believe that's what's wrong with me than that there's something else, especially when everyone else thinks it's obvious.



agreed. after a while you do begin to wonder..

i think i have a habit of when times are bad blaming it on being fat, but then considering what society tells us it's no wonder really!


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## BrunetteBeauty80 (Mar 6, 2008)

Sadly, I had much of the same when I was younger. I remember in 5th grade when I first kissed a boy. I came home and told my mom. She said "I can't believe someone would kiss a girl so fat!" Funny thing was she, herself was never thin! My dad kissed her when she was fat! I got over it, and have had my share of wonderful boyfriends over the years...and I never lost weight to have to have a boy like me. It has been quite a few years since my mom has said anything about my weight. Except when she brought up grandchildren (oh no!). I think I taught her that one can have wonderful men attracted to us at any weight. 

It makes me cringe to know that other girls are going through that. I just want to hug them and tell them to be happy with who they are, because they are beautiful in any skin, and be confident in themselves! Guys will respond, believe me!


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## Tad (Mar 6, 2008)

Keb said:


> It's less often said to me directly and far more often implied. And it's -so- easy to believe when my relationships have been few and far between. It's much easier to believe that's what's wrong with me than that there's something else, especially when everyone else thinks it's obvious.





Just_Jen said:


> agreed. after a while you do begin to wonder..
> 
> i think i have a habit of when times are bad blaming it on being fat, but then considering what society tells us it's no wonder really!



Thing is, I've known quite a few women who remind me of a lot of the women here: bright, educated, fun, full of interests and interesting facets, doing great things with their lives, who haven't had much romantic luck. Except those women that I've known have been thin. And I've certainly had friends go for years and years with horrible romantic situations before finding the right woman, and often it seems to be the nicest guys who have the most trouble.

I'm pretty positive that a lot of the time it just is. If fat plays any part in it, it may be in keeping people from getting out and mingling and meeting people while in a positive state of mind (so many of us, once out of school, don't really meet many new people, which really lowers the odds of meeting someone compatible!). I'm not saying that it is easy to meet someone--if it were we would not have so many books, movies, plays and whatnot about it, nor would I know as many people with romantic issues. But I think it can be way to easy to blame weight, glasses, a scar, or whatever.

One last story. A friend of mine, after many years of longish term but not great relationships, spent a pile of money getting laser eye surgery, fixing his nose which had been broken when he was young, and getting rid of some scars on his face left by childhood surgery. All things which had made him feel self confident. After than, when his latest relationship finally burned out, he determined to try on-line dating services, and to at least date lots of women. By some trick of fate, the first of these women was someone he'd dated many years before, during university. They'd not been very serious at the time, but there had not been a shortage of physical attraction. They are now living together and expecting a baby this Spring. So after those thousands of dollars to remove the things that he saw as such big flaws....he ended up with a woman who had been entirely attracted to him back when he still had all of those things 'wrong' with him.


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## amber83 (Mar 15, 2008)

I never got this from my mom, but, from society in general. I grew up in a small, Northern Utah town that was, at least at the time, about 95% Mormon (LDS). I was born to a Southern Baptist mother and an inactive Mormon father (who left the church when I was 2). You can only imagine then, that, by my being SB (who, by the way, are the arch nemesis of the LDS) and the daughter of an ex-Mormon as well as big, my childhood was not easy. 

All my life growing up, I felt like I would never live the little girl's storybook dream of meeting my prince and getting married. I never dated in school because I was one of the 'smart kids' and always was on some new learning adventure. However, as I became a woman, I made the "Utah Girl Mistake"....and got married by 20. My marriage was loveless, at least on my part; I had such low self-esteem that I figured I may as well get married while someone was still asking. My now ex-husband was very sweet, but I just didn't love him that way. 

After my divorce, which is the best decision I have ever made, I went to India for my job. They say that place changes people and I can certainly vouch for it. I'd traveled quite a bit outside of this nation prior to my business trip to India, but never before had I been exposed to such a culture. Imagine being 5'10" and a size 32/34 in that country! It was very, very tough but I managed to hold my head high even though I wanted to turn right back around and fly home. I ended up staying 4 months instead of 6weeks and I came home a changed woman. Due to a variety of factors, I lost a big chunk of weight on the trip and went from a 32/34 to a 24/26. 

I met a man not long afterward that I fell completely, totally in love with....and...it was mutual! While my self-esteem had improved since my divorce and getting my awesome job in 2005...it was still low. He changed me and made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on Earth. Unfortunately, we separated after 10 months because of differences in what we wanted for the future. 

Sorry - this was long winded. However, it just goes to show that no matter what size you are - there are men that will love you, not 'in spite of' being big, but rather, because you are just simply an amazing, beautiful woman. So for those that say "you'll never find a man"....they can FOAD.


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## Paquito (Mar 16, 2008)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> And what about the other half of the picture? Are BHMs regularly told "You'll never have a GF"? Inquiring minds want to know. Mind does, anyway.



*Looks round* Ok, I suppose I'll take the reins with this pregunta. 
While its not nearly as drastic as the way a good number of BBWs are treated, we BHMs are faced with similiar situations. "Your so fat and disgusting, why would a girl ever want to date you?"; "No girl wants to date a fat ass", etc, but me thinks you get the point. I suppose in this crazy diet obsessed world we live in, we're all fair game to this treatment.


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## SexybbwChanel (Mar 21, 2008)

My mom and dad were always pushing for me to lose weight growing up. My mom never told me I would never have a bf, but she tried to subtly hint boys like skinny girls.And my grandma was notorious for telling me how beautiful I was, if only I lost weight...my doctor has said the same thing. I had been on a liquid diet and lost almost 100 lbs. and I was probabaly 100 lbs. less than I am now to begin with so I was small,well not really that small...more medium and I looked good but I still think I look good now.Anyway,after losing my gall bladder, the weight came back on and then some. My dr. remembers what I looked like back then and he has said more than once "your daughter WAS so beautiful" tsk-tsk


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## amber83 (Mar 21, 2008)

SexybbwChanel said:


> My mom and dad were always pushing for me to lose weight growing up. My mom never told me I would never have a bf, but she tried to subtly hint boys like skinny girls.And my grandma was notorious for telling me how beautiful I was, if only I lost weight...my doctor has said the same thing. I had been on a liquid diet and lost almost 100 lbs. and I was probabaly 100 lbs. less than I am now to begin with so I was small,well not really that small...more medium and I looked good but I still think I look good now.Anyway,after losing my gall bladder, the weight came back on and then some. My dr. remembers what I looked like back then and he has said more than once "your daughter WAS so beautiful" tsk-tsk



I'd tell that doctor "well you used to be a good doctor, tsk tsk!" and see how HE feels. 

Oh, and tell your mom not to worry about boys not wanting fat girls - REAL MEN DO!


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## IceTeaPrincess (Mar 21, 2008)

I knowz i said I was going back to lurker land but I wanted to comment on this..
When I was fat & a teenager in school, I did get some idiots saying stuff like this to me. The "Who would ever want you?" type taunt. 
And it's funny cause even before i lost weight I ended up attracting many guys that were 100 times better looking than the losers who had taunted me back in school. 
But one thing that always strikes me when I think of this type put down: If somebody is in observing mode, there are fat women with significant others _everywhere_ ya look! 
I just wonder how can people (especially parents) say such things to their kids when they just walked by a 350 lb & obviously pregnant girl accompanied by a slim man with his arms around her, clearly in love? 
That is clearly no "hogging". 
I think that u single gals/guys who still get that kinda crap from your parents or friends could point out all the fat 'love birds' u walk past while with them & say something like "Wow, they sure are in love, aren't they?"
Just to anchor in their mind that attraction exists outside of diet commercial ideals.


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## knottyknicky (Mar 21, 2008)

Someone mentioned a few posts up how many nice, charming, beautiful, interesting THIN friends they have who are also confused about why they're single...and all I can say is that I totally get this too. My best friend is drop. dead. GORGEOUS. She's 5'10", blonde, blue eyes, the cutest haircut, the cutest style, ridiculously fit, feminine body...looks most women would kill for. She's NEVER had a relationship...not even a short-lived fling. My current roommate is also drop dead gorgeous...curvy little asian thing with great style, amazingly sweet personality, and a heart of gold. She was with a guy for 6 years before she found out he'd been cheating on her for 3 out of the six years...and she's been single for over 2 years now. She does meet guys and they're all interested in her, but they're all total douchebags...even the nice one turned out to be an ex con (no joke). It affects us all. If my roommate were as isolated as I am (Im a nanny in a house 10-12 hours a day, and she's a hairstylist who's out and about constantly mingling with people) we'd probably have identical lovelives. I know that a huge reason I haven't met anyone is simply that I live in a really old city (the median age here is like 58 or something), and theres just not that many likeminded people around or places to meet them. When I go to LA and see a show or hang out with my friends, I do get glances, I do get hit on occassionally, and I always leave feeling a lot better about myself, despite having just hung out in one of THE most image-conscious places on earth. Socializing has far more to do with it than fat, I 'd suspect.


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## IceTeaPrincess (Mar 21, 2008)

knottyknicky said:


> Someone mentioned a few posts up how many nice, charming, beautiful, interesting THIN friends they have who are also confused about why they're single...and all I can say is that I totally get this too. My best friend is drop. dead. GORGEOUS. She's 5'10", blonde, blue eyes, the cutest haircut, the cutest style, ridiculously fit, feminine body...looks most women would kill for. She's NEVER had a relationship...not even a short-lived fling. My current roommate is also drop dead gorgeous...curvy little asian thing with great style, amazingly sweet personality, and a heart of gold. She was with a guy for 6 years before she found out he'd been cheating on her for 3 out of the six years...and she's been single for over 2 years now. She does meet guys and they're all interested in her, but they're all total douchebags...even the nice one turned out to be an ex con (no joke). It affects us all. If my roommate were as isolated as I am (Im a nanny in a house 10-12 hours a day, and she's a hairstylist who's out and about constantly mingling with people) we'd probably have identical lovelives.




I would bet that social skills, wounded trust & perfectionism have a lot to do with why both fat & thin people remain single for long stretches of time. Who's to say being cautious might not lead to a much much better choice of a mate in the long run? Love should be about quality & not quantity, at least IMO.


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## knottyknicky (Mar 21, 2008)

IceTeaPrincess said:


> I would bet that social skills, wounded trust & perfectionism have a lot to do with why both fat & thin people remain single for long stretches of time. Who's to say being cautious might not lead to a much much better choice of a mate in the long run? Love should be about quality & not quantity, at least IMO.





I agree. I'm single, but its certainly not for lack of choices. In the last year or so, especially since my self esteem took a HUGE upswing, I've had loads of male attention, from really decent, attractive, together guys...just not guys I really want a _relationship_ with. My previously low self esteem led me to not date much at all (because I couldn't fathom how anyone would date me anyhow), and made those relationships I did start really unhealthy, codependent ones where I ended up getting really hurt. Being so guarded now (though admittedly still falling back on old ways from time to time) i'm a LOT choosier about who I'll let into my life. One recent experience taught me a whole helluva lot about my reasons for trusting people, and has made me a lot more cautious than I previously was. I'd like a stable, comfortable relationship, but I won't do it with anyone i'm less than head over heels for, because I know I can do better than that. It might take a while, but the things that I value are that important to me, so i'm willing to wait.


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## gangstadawg (Mar 21, 2008)

BothGunsBlazing said:


> Obviously I've never really dealt with the whole "you're a fat girl so you'll never find a date" deal that a lot of you have unfortunately been through. I think I've had a variation of it though. My family used to tell me that I only dated fat girls because they made me feel safe, because they would never leave me .. because well, they're fat and should be happy to have anyone. They'd say this all matter of fact like, without it even registering as an insult.
> 
> Talk about giving some one a complex ..
> 
> I always wondered whether other guys on here had heard the same thing, but eh, I guess it's probably not really uncommon. Blah.


dude my grandma and my gay uncle said some dumbshit about me dating bbws. they said that only gay/downlow men date fat girls to hide there sexuality. i was like WTF? that makes NO sense. and the thing is this stereotype is starting to catch on. i dont know who started this but i dont see how any one could think this is true. the only other thing they tried to diss me about was my height like thats remotely changable.


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## tonynyc (Mar 21, 2008)

Since [99.99%] of the 'single' women who posted on this board can now get a date at the drop of hat, order has been restored to the Universe.....


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## mossystate (Mar 21, 2008)

huh?..really?...I did not get the memo...damn...oh, wait, I don't wear hats...that must be it


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 24, 2008)

BothGunsBlazing said:


> Obviously I've never really dealt with the whole "you're a fat girl so you'll never find a date" deal that a lot of you have unfortunately been through. I think I've had a variation of it though. My family used to tell me that I only dated fat girls because they made me feel safe, because they would never leave me .. because well, they're fat and should be happy to have anyone. They'd say this all matter of fact like, without it even registering as an insult.
> 
> Talk about giving some one a complex ..
> 
> I always wondered whether other guys on here had heard the same thing, but eh, I guess it's probably not really uncommon. Blah.



That has got the be one of the stealthiest slams ever. Oh yes, that is obviously what you are doing because you are such a boorish little troll that you can't be bothered to develope the skills it would take to date a real woman.


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## Tad (Mar 24, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> That has got the be one of the stealthiest slams ever. Oh yes, that is obviously what you are doing because you are such a boorish little troll that you can't be bothered to develope the skills it would take to date a real woman.



When I first began to try and understand my fat preference it was hard to find anything talking about it at all. One of the few books I could find that looked like it may address was, I think, "Fat is a feminist issue" (if it was not that book, it was something that took an approach along the lines of that title). I flipped through to find the part where it talked about why some guys might prefer a fat wife. This was basically the answer it provided (under a few variations). Essentially that a man might like his woman to be fat because he'd feel more secure and/or wouldn't feel that he had to treat her well.

Which made me do a bit of soul searching, and I concluded that I was fairly certain why I was attracted to fat was not those reasons, and since the book didn't seem to offer any room for positive reasons for a guy to like fat, I concluded that I didn't really trust the rest of the book, and gave up on it.

Anyway, it seems that this is, or at least was, not an isolated point of view


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