# Attracted to someone who hates their body?



## superodalisque (Jun 16, 2011)

Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated? especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?


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## Forgotten_Futures (Jun 16, 2011)

Umm... wow. That touches on a whole mess of issues.

First off... I've always felt that relationships based on physical aspects of a person/persons are ultimately doomed. Some emotional, chemical, or otherwise metaphysical connection is a must.

Secondly... I've found, over the years, that convincing other people to see things in ways counter to the way they currently do is... hard. Quite possibly, impossible. It depends largely on the person and their own personality. It took me... years, to accept that I'm not as bad looking as I grew up thinking; that there are people out there who think I'm 'handsome'. It took lots of positive confirmation by several people over a long period of time.

Now, you're talking about a pretender. Strikes me as a desperate personality, someone who is willing to present a front, to feign... just about anything, for attention and/or emotional support. I once knew someone like this, who acted like she was totally for eating and WG because of the attention she garnered from me for that acting. Now, despite eventually realizing this (the fact she's stopped talking to me, having found herself someone else to feed on, played an unfortunately large role in that realization), I still... I'd still be happy to play along. I suppose that makes me somewhat of a desperate personality myself = P I'd still be able to hold up the illusion, so long as she also held up the illusion. But as soon as the illusion broke...

Likewise, in a situation where a person's acceptance of themselves is just that, an illusion... all that's left, if there isn't a metaphysical connection, is an empty shell, a reminder of what you thought was there. It's crippling, destructive, and it's not going to do you (or any hypothetical individual in such a situation) any good to carry that torch.


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## Azrael (Jun 16, 2011)

Let's just say that many people are not exactly fond of liars and particularly not fond of people who pretend to be something they are not (yes even in body image too).

There's a difference between not expressing any emotion towards your own body while hating it and acting like you love your body when you hate it.

The second option is trying to portray something that a person is not while the former is simply not showing it at all.

Needless to say, I'd be rather upset if the person was lying to me in such a way particularly if it is a very physical relationship.

Even if it wasn't a very physical relationship there's the whole matter that he/she was pretending to be something that they were not, which can bug people.

Then again, as someone who has his twisted own body image issue I would be somewhat understanding of their problem, so it's a somewhat gray area.
Then again, I don't lie to myself and others and I express love of self when I actually feel it.


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## JulianDW (Jun 16, 2011)

I believe it does make a difference. The last relationship I was in, my partner didn't like her body and wanted to loose weight. I told her of my preference towards her size and it seemed to boost her confidence, which made me feel good cause I thought she felt better. However, I now think she was trying to 'play off' her insecurities of her body for the sake of pleasing me or just trying to make the relationship last. Unfortunely it didn't last and I think one of the reasons could've her hatred towards her body. When we were about to get intimate she had trouble doing so and felt nervous. I think the relationship was built more on the physical attraction we had towards eachother :doh: but I was confident in my body and she wasn't. I remember feeling confused and lied to because she _acted_ confident before


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## Adrian (Jun 16, 2011)

Just like Julian stated, I agree and feel it does make a long term relationship more difficult. Whether the he like his BBW partner and she doesn't like being a BBW, or whatever, one person will always be left wanting. If she stays a BBW, all of her friend & family will constantly be on her to lose weight. If she gives in, almost all those in her life will tell how much better she look now she has lost weight, and she will be happy about that. Unfortunately, her partner is anything but happy watching a gorgeous woman turn into an ordinary looking woman.
If physical attraction has anything to do with the relationship, significant _weight change_ can cause problems.


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## gangstadawg (Jun 16, 2011)

Adrian said:


> Just like Julian stated, I agree and feel it does make a long term relationship more difficult. Whether the he like his BBW partner and she doesn't like being a BBW, or whatever, one person will always be left wanting. If she stays a BBW, all of her friend & family will constantly be on her to lose weight. If she gives in, almost all those in her life will tell how much better she look now she has lost weight, and she will be happy about that. Unfortunately, her partner is anything but happy watching a gorgeous woman turn into an ordinary looking woman.
> If physical attraction has anything to do with the relationship, significant _weight change_ can cause problems.



its very rare for a relationship to not have a physical attraction component to it.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Jun 16, 2011)

gangstadawg said:


> its very rare for a relationship to not have a physical attraction component to it.



Yep. You can deny being shallow all you want, everyone puts at least some emphasis on physical attractiveness. Now, your definition of 'physically attractive' may _wildly_ differ from the next guy/gal, but that doesn't make it any less of a fairly narrow definition.


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## joswitch (Jun 16, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated?



Cheated? no, not really. Sad, disappointed and worried fit better.



> especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?



That's not been when insecurities are revealed, in my experience.


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## NancyGirl74 (Jun 16, 2011)

I'm one of those people who hate their bodies. I don't hide the fact though. There is no point. It is part of who I am just as much as being fat is part of who I am. That being said, it is just a part of me but not the whole of me. 

Yes, it does effect my relationships in that I have none or they are very limited. Not that men have not expressed interest. They have. But I tend to push them away without meaning to. It is hard for an FA or a big girl admirer to get past the fact that I am not a confident BBW and yes, I would like to lose weight. Being intimate is hard because I won't until I'm comfortable. Period. No amount of "I love your body" or "You are beautiful" is going to change how I feel about myself. It has nothing to do with someone else and everything to do with me. I would like to be in a relationship and I'm fully aware that it will likely not happen soon. It is very hard to let someone love and admire you when you cannot do the same for yourself. I understand and feel bad for men who have dealt with women who are similar to me. It must be frustrating. However, in all honesty, it is not about them. It is about me or that woman. They can deal or not deal. That's not me being snotty. That is just simply how it is.


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## The Orange Mage (Jun 16, 2011)

I always just assume the lady in these situations would loooove to get down to a size 14-18 or so (or take the hypothetical skinny pill, not that I blame them) until proven otherwise. It's simple and effective in most cases.

But the first time or two it happened? No anger, or feeling of being cheated. At least not by her...more by the luck of the draw of ending up an FA/feeder or whatever. Women talk about how there's so few FAs and so many BBWs, I lament that there are so many FAs like myself and so few women on the same page, sexually speaking. I'd rather my main kink have been something easily accessible (foot fetish, BDSM, etc.) or something just completely impossible and unattainable...not something that lurks on the edge of possible, or is possible with risks and societal scorn attached.

Being an FA has been all downhill from the beginning, for me. There was a brief spike of awesome mixed in once, but it's been a couple bus stops of, "Oh, so it's not as good as I thought..." over and over.

Ok, that was a mini-rant. Back on topic, now!

*It flat-out sucks.* Physical intimacy goes takes a nosedive because I either have to suppress my natural instincts and avoid the chub, or give in and feel guilty as shit for it, or suppress my instincts AND feel guilty as shit for having to fake being "normal."

Ever since I emerged from pubescence I haven't really been angry about much, but lately being an FA is becoming one hell of sore spot for me.


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## Tad (Jun 16, 2011)

Im sure deliberate concealment of how one feels about their body happens, but I suspect that more often what happens is either a degree of self-deception or an infatuation affect.

In the former case, people can talk themselves into all sorts of things, including a degree of confidence (in their body or other things). However if that confidence is mostly emotional wall paper, the cracks will break through again, sooner or later. I imagine it would be apt to be sooner if the wallpaper was printed with Im not really all that big, and the way I dress I dont look fat and then it turns out that the new partner is attracted because of ones fatnessthat rather than not really seeing it, they saw it and that is what they wanted. I could imagine that would strip off the wallpaper in a hurry.

In the latter case, infatuation is a powerful drug. Everything seems brighter, happier, more possible. You feel valued, good about yourself, and powerful from how happy you make your new partner feel. That giddiness can sweep away all sorts of issues. But infatuation fades, and issues that were swept aside can come back.

I suspect that in the particular case of FA and fat folk, things could get aggravated by weight gain during the honeymoon period. I suspect a lot of people end up at the weight which is the best balance for them of the effort of keeping their weight down versus the physical, social, and sometime economic cost of being fat. If that balance point has been somewhat stable for a while, they will also have gotten used to being that particular size. 

Then if things are changed, if for a while the costs and challenges of being fat seem lower, and/or keeping weight down becomes harder (because while dating you eat out a lot, or an FA partner tempts with lots of treats, or dating interfered with getting to the gym, or whatever) they may well gain some weight. Then when the false confidence peels away, or the infatuation fades, they are facing all the old issues, but are not at the point where they found balance in the past. Which is apt to make any lack of confidence issues all the worse.

So yah, that the body hatred (or at least body anxiety) wasn't apparent but then shows up, doesn't mean that it was deliberately hidden.

As for how I feelabout it? It is frustrating. I guess we all hope to be appreciated for the things/in the way that we like about ourselves, and likewise we would like our partners to want to be appreciated for the things that we appreciate about them. When those don't match, it requires emotional steeing and manoeuvering, rather than just racing ahead.


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## BlueBurning (Jun 16, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated? especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?



I face a similar situation with my fiancée who I dont know if I would say hates her body but she certainly would like to lose weight both for her physical appearance and for health reasons. In terms of my physical attraction to her it has zero affect and I have seen her at a smaller size so even than I assume it would still not change my physical attraction. The one area that it does affect me would be the emotional/psychological side of things. I love my fiancée as she physical is but on the psychological side of things I often feel bad for liking her at her current size due to the fact that I fear that by liking her body size Im holding her back from losing weight and having the physical appearance that she wants. And that is pretty hard to deal with because you want your partner to be as happy as possible but if your partner does not like what physically attracted you to them it can cause some emotional turmoil for yourself. Though I am thankful I was never lied to about her liking/loving her body and was instead told the truth from the very start. Honesty can suck sometimes but it is always better in the long run.


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## Jes (Jun 16, 2011)

Forgotten_Futures said:


> Now, you're talking about a pretender. Strikes me as a desperate personality, someone who is willing to present a front, to feign... .



Possibly yes, but sometimes no. I think a lot of us, a LOT of us, aspire to be an ideal we set in our head. And wanting to be that can convince us that we can fake it 'til we make it, or that we'll get there eventually, or that positive feedback will make it finally happen for us. It's not realistic, but it's certainly not an out and out, intentional, malevolent lie. I wouldn't call a person who hoped for the best (whether it was likely, or whether that person was willing to put in the necessary hard work) a desperate pretender, but just misguided and very, very human.


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## JulianDW (Jun 16, 2011)

Jes said:


> Possibly yes, but sometimes no. I think a lot of us, a LOT of us, aspire to be an ideal we set in our head. And wanting to be that can convince us that we can fake it 'til we make it, or that we'll get there eventually, or that positive feedback will make it finally happen for us. It's not realistic, but it's certainly not an out and out, intentional, malevolent lie. I wouldn't call a person who hoped for the best (whether it was likely, or whether that person was willing to put in the necessary hard work) a desperate pretender, but just misguided and very, very human.



Thats an interesting way to look at it. Its hard to get as angry or fed up with someone when you look at it through that angle, for me at least. We're all just people, not perfect; which might not excuse everything, but for this issue it certainly could!


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## CastingPearls (Jun 16, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated? especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?



Years ago I was friends with a guy who expressed some interest but I wasn't interested. It wasn't because he wasn't a nice guy but because after he'd lost a great deal of weight through diet and exercise (he became a powerlifter) he was both really proud of his new physique and really hyper-self-conscious to the point of paranoia and wanted, no...demanded constant reassurance that he looked amazing. Everything about him was about how others viewed and judged him. I don't think he had any real confidence at all and I just didn't want to invest so much time feeding his ego, so it did make a difference. Definitely.


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## Jon Blaze (Jun 16, 2011)

Interesting topic.

If they outright hate their body, then I can definitely see there being issues. I would probably not pursue that person if I knew this upfront though. Whether or not I would support them and try to help depends on a number of things.

If there were a case where it was a front, and they made it seemed like they loved their body? I honestly think that depends on the person too and how they express it. If they go from being loud and proud about it, to then claiming it was a lie, then I might take issue with it. If they were sort of quiet, and seemed closer to being in the middle, then I don't think I would have any problems with it really. I feel like we all fluctuate when it comes to body love. 

There's also the desire for change. I don't believe the influences of others are big reasons to cause a shift, but I do think they can be helpful at times. I know at least one of my partners has said that I've made them feel more confident in their skin. That allows me to accept a little of the body hate. But no FA hero complex or anything. lol


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## Fox (Jun 16, 2011)

I don't necessarily feel cheated, so much as I feel judged (unfairly). It can be hurtful to hear my SO say "If I showed you my body, you'd throw up." It tells me that her faith in me, as well as her faith in our relationship, is very poor. When I do hear something like this, I try to comfort her as best I can and tell her how I actually feel. Often afterwards, I take a deep look into how our relationship has been going and I wonder if there was something I did/said to make her feel that way. I do what I can to try and make things work, but it can be hard to keep a relationship working when one has such a low self esteem.


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## ampleampleample (Jun 16, 2011)

Nothing is more unattractive than a woman who hates her body. Nothing is hotter than a women who is confident in herself. Especially one with a body outside the norm. Easy to be confident when you a 115lb, 35 22 35. It takes someone special to feel good about themselves when they are far above the societal norm.


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## LalaCity (Jun 16, 2011)

ampleampleample said:


> Nothing is more unattractive than a woman who hates her body. Nothing is hotter than a women who is confident in herself. Especially one with a body outside the norm. Easy to be confident when you a 115lb, 35 22 35. It takes someone special to feel good about themselves when they are far above the societal norm.



Well, after that^^ can you blame someone who struggles with her body image if she lies about her self-esteem? God forbid someone express a doubt and be deemed hideously unattractive for it.


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## FA Punk (Jun 16, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated? especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?



I can't be with someone like that so yes it does make a difference. You see if I'm with someone that I find attractive and she doesn't find herself attractive I feel dirty because of that honestly. To me if I'm the only enjoying the sex what the hell is the point of it all anyway:huh:?


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## Dromond (Jun 16, 2011)

ampleampleample said:


> Nothing is more unattractive than a woman who hates her body. Nothing is hotter than a women who is confident in herself. Especially one with a body outside the norm. Easy to be confident when you a 115lb, 35 22 35. It takes someone special to feel good about themselves when they are far above the societal norm.



And as we all know, hotness is everything. 

And your last two lines? You're clueless beyond measure. Anyone of any size can have body issues.


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## CarlaSixx (Jun 16, 2011)

I've been attracted to people who hated their bodies... because they thought they were too skinny. And it did make it tough. And it is making it tough right now with someone I'm presently attracted to. It's frustrating when you think someone is perfect just the way they are, and they believe they aren't "man" enough or "woman" enough because they're skinny. Like they think others will say they can't handle a big girl because they're so slender. And it ruins their chances at feeling happy, as well as mine. 

Then there's the slim popular guys and chicks, who're deep down really self conscious. And it does make me feel a little cheated when they seemed so confident and pleased, and they turn out to be more insecure than me. It puts a lil more strain on a relationship than I'm willing to deal with. It's disappointing and feels like an insult.


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## frankman (Jun 17, 2011)

CarlaSixx said:


> [...]
> 
> Then there's the slim popular guys and chicks, who're deep down really self conscious. And it does make me feel a little cheated when they seemed so confident and pleased, and they turn out to be more insecure than me. It puts a lil more strain on a relationship than I'm willing to deal with. It's disappointing and feels like an insult.



When you think it's hard on you, imagine what the other person has to go through.

I do LOVE the heartless irony of being disappointed in someone's insecurity - being insecure if people will like you or not, and being rated on worrying about it, I don't know, it's such a harsh deal.

But yeah, I sympathise with you and the strain someone's self-image puts on your relations. It must be horrible being duped by someone else's angst.


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## Chimpi (Jun 17, 2011)

Sometimes it feels lonely; waiting and hoping that the person you're attracted to sometime, eventually, hopefully, maybe will turn the tide and start to feel good about themselves. Whether weight loss (or weight gain, depending on the situation) is inevitable or not, it's very hard to see someone you care about and someone you're very attracted to go through the emotions of self-scrutiny.
My best friend is like this and, where I don't feel the romantic attraction towards her, I think she looks very good; and take every opportunity to let her know. Recently I found out she agonizes over her self-image - everyone is good enough, other women far bigger and fatter than she are beautiful, but she is not. Where I bestow no judgment upon her (or others) for not feeling good about themselves physically - I've had my share of it in my lifetime - it can be very lonely viewing it from one side of the spectrum and them on the other.

You view them in such a wonderful way, in such a positive light; you find them beautiful. Everything about them physically makes you feel happy. Looking at them, thinking about them, touching them... You want that to never change. It can feel very sad because they don't see it. And certainly, as others here have said, you care for them and want them just to be happy above all else.


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## CarlaSixx (Jun 17, 2011)

I just can't deal with a relationship where I need to handhold my partner through their feelings towards themselves. I don't want to have to constantly say how wonderful I think they are and still not have them believe it, and I expect someone I partner with to feel the same. I expect a partner to not have to tell me every frikkin day that they think I'm awesome. Just being together and enjoying it should be enough. 

I don't hang around with people who need to be spoonfed their self confidence, and so I definitely will not tolerate a partner who needs it. Constant "reassurance" drives me up the wall. Whether it's someone saying it to me, or me having to say it to them.


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## Tau (Jun 17, 2011)

I could love somebody who didn't love their body - I just think it would be absolutely critical that this be acknowledged right from the beginning and it would also depend absolutely on the severity of their insecurity and where in their body love journey they happen to be. One of my best friend suffered from anorexia. We got each other through some really, really ugly times. I was binge eating and vomiting and she wasn't eating and cutting herself - but we helped each other through it. Then she relapsed and I didn't. And I kept getting better and better and she kept getting worse. There came a point where for my own well being I had to cut her off. We didn't speak for years then I got a phone call from a mutual friend that she had committed suicide. I've shared this story here before and it continues to weigh very heavily on me. I loved her but there was nothing I could do to save her. That's the thing about relationships and body image. Relationships are meant to be between two whole human beings. Not flawless or perfect or even all the way sane - but whole. And I could absolutely love somebody who wasn't in love with themselves but I couldn't love somebody who hated everything about themselves, who was not willing to work at getting better. Because that would hurt me and when it comes to my body the journey has been too long and hard to go back to the way I was before.


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## superodalisque (Jun 17, 2011)

wow so many great posts. all of them totally insightful in so many ways.


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## ampleampleample (Jun 17, 2011)

Dromond said:


> And as we all know, hotness is everything.
> 
> And your last two lines? You're clueless beyond measure. Anyone of any size can have body issues.



I just find it hard to love someone who can't love themselves.


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## Dromond (Jun 18, 2011)

ampleampleample said:


> I just find it hard to love someone who can't love themselves.



Why couldn't you have said this to begin with? This makes an actual discussable point.


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## Blackhawk2293 (Jun 20, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated? especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?



I've dated girls in the past who have had this issue and I don't think "cheated" is the right word for it. I don't know about others but the ones I've dated that have had this issue made such a huge deal about it and when I tried to be supportive it only made it worse because that issue was all they could see about themselves. I think "annoyed" is a much more appropriate word for what I felt then and yeah, it is a turn off for me personally because if they can't even love who they are then how can they love another person.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth!


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 20, 2011)

I think it's human nature in all of us to some degree. I'm hardly the type who will wear high heels, smile and air claw at the men I like. I have moments where I am grossly insecure and it's during those moments when I really have to fake it or I will downward spiral. I'm a complete human, not just someone whose going to shimmy about and be a flaming fatty. I can't stand flaming anythings. A little insecurity from time to time isn't going to bug me so much. I will say though that I have been pursued relentlessly by a man or two in the past for what seemed like a long time. When I finally began to return the interest they seemed so surprised. "OMG, why would you like me? I'm so ugly, Im such a troll!" and then run away. No joke. They litterally did not want to be part of a club that would have him as a member. There are two frustrating elements to that. One, that they built me up in their minds to be something I am certainly not. Two... wtf! Why would you pursue someone if you didn't really want them? And three... yeah I lied, there are three..... what an awful way to live for this person and it's not altogether pleasant for me either. Does it still count that I love my body only until those special days when I hate my body?

Yeah I know I'm rambling. I can't really put my thoughts together today. Bottom line, I don't really need any heros. Just a human being, warts and all. Unless the confidence level is so good/bad that it's destructive or annoying I don't mind really. If someone has to put on a brave face to meet the demands of the day I don't consider that treachery.


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## SolidSnake84 (Jun 20, 2011)

I am in this boat. I married my gf of 4 years last summer, and i am obviously crazy about her but she doesnt love her body.

She is identical in size to the model Miss Cherries, and the extra weight on her is hot. she carries it really well.

Her "fat" bits drive me nuts and she knows that i like BBW's, but she can't love her body the way i do.....


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## liz (di-va) (Jun 20, 2011)

For me--it causes problems. It absolutely interferes with intimacy--emotional, physical--and connection. I'm not talking about regular, human, occasional or low-level worries about one's looks, I mean a man who is really insecure or hates their body (as you asked). It's pretty dealbreakery. I don't think you can hide that kind of insecurity long, anyhow. Tends to show. It is too bad!


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## Blackhawk2293 (Jun 20, 2011)

liz (di-va) said:


> For me--it causes problems. It absolutely interferes with intimacy--emotional, physical--and connection. I'm not talking about regular, human, occasional or low-level worries about one's looks, I mean a man who is really insecure or hates their body (as you asked). It's pretty dealbreakery. I don't think you can hide that kind of insecurity long, anyhow. Tends to show. It is too bad!



It's one of those issues that seem to affect both genders.


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## liz (di-va) (Jun 20, 2011)

Blackhawk2293 said:


> It's one of those issues that seem to affect both genders.


Yes, absolutely.


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## superodalisque (Jun 20, 2011)

yeah. i have a guy friend who is beautiful in every way. he is handsome, intelligent, athletic, artistic, emotionally connected to the world and a success at his job where he also does a lot of social good. he is down right amazing. but, he feels very inadequate. there is nothing i can say to convince him otherwise. i continually tell him that he is attractive and even introduce him to lots of women who tell him so. but, when they meet him he is so overcome by his insecurities that it scares them all away.


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## Webmaster (Jun 20, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> Does it make a difference in attraction if the person hates their body. i have always wondered about that. what kind of effect does that have? do you feel cheated? especially if the person has been passing themselves off as loving it, and that is one of the main points of attraction. how do you feel when you suddenly find out how untrue that is when you try to get intimate?



It does make a difference. Maybe not so much in initial attraction, but over time when it becomes clear that the partner is down on herself, hates her body, cannot see how it is attractive to anyone else, and so on. Confidence is a very attractive quality to me, so if someone constantly puts herself down or doubts how I could possibly want her, that's an issue. 

As for people pretending to like themselves and then finding they really don't, that is dishonest and I would definitely feel a bit deceived. 

As always, attitude can make a difference. If someone is closed-minded and blows off any attempt at arriving at a better body image, that's not good. If someone confides in you and is willing to work on overcoming those issues in mutually agreeable ways, that may be an entirely different story.


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## lozonloz (Jun 20, 2011)

I could love someone who didnt love their body, but if we were together for a length of time and their sense of self-worth didnt improve at least a little there would be issues. Cos if I was with someone I'd badly want to spend a lot of time making them feel like the most special person in the world. It sounds weird, but if they didnt start to feel good I'd feel like I was failing them, and then I'd feel shit about myself. It's basically a selfish impulse that would cause problems.

I love my body. I'm human, I have moments where I feel shit about it, and there are areas I'd like to change (bigger boobs for one) but I used to hate my body. Loving my body and feeling good about myself generally is a constant work in progress, and I do need validation from others that I am attractive, or fun, or a good friend. I don't know if someone who didnt love themselves could provide that validation.

It's already tricky with my friends and family, who want me to change and tell me in so many subtle ways that I'm not good enough looking the way I do. In a personal relationship, I need someone to show they love me.


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## Blackhawk2293 (Jun 22, 2011)

Another side to this issue I've seen, which is a particular nasty one, is people who have deep rooted issues with their body and the predators (and I mean from both genders) that end up dating them (and maybe even marrying them) purely because that person's issues make them an easy target for manipulation. E.g, I'd love you more if you lost weight or I won't marry you if you don't have a six pack etc etc etc.

In the case of the friend who had the six pack issue, he wanted advice from me about how he should counter his partner's ultimatum and I basically told him "Mate, you need to tell her to lick your fucking balls." Obviously he didn't do it because he thought that was too hostile. LOL!!

Anyway, back to my point. There are people out there who find people with body issues as easy marks.


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## Jes (Jun 23, 2011)

Blackhawk2293 said:


> Anyway, back to my point. There are people out there who find people with body issues as easy marks.



Exactly. And while I don't want to put everyone into the 'pathological' column, there are other reasons that people might be interested in those with low self esteem--they assume (sometimes very rightly so) that such a person will never leave them.

There has to be a reason that we have at Dims, and in the wider world, lots of fat women and men who find themselves attractive, or at least don't freak out when complimented or sexed up, and yet so many posters here talk about being with body-hating partners for, like, years. SO MANY POSTERS.

I can't be the only person who sees that phenomenon as significant. I think something else is probably going on in some of these relationships.


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## superodalisque (Jun 23, 2011)

Jes said:


> Exactly. And while I don't want to put everyone into the 'pathological' column, there are other reasons that people might be interested in those with low self esteem--they assume (sometimes very rightly so) that such a person will never leave them.
> 
> There has to be a reason that we have at Dims, and in the wider world, lots of fat women and men who find themselves attractive, or at least don't freak out when complimented or sexed up, and yet so many posters here talk about being with body-hating partners for, like, years. SO MANY POSTERS.
> 
> I can't be the only person who sees that phenomenon as significant. I think something else is probably going on in some of these relationships.



or the ones who support people, who don't like their body, in their opinions of themselves and act as though thats helpful. negative reinforcement is not helpful. agreeing that someone is socially unacceptable is not helpful. acting as if they are socially unacceptable is not helpful.


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## Blackhawk2293 (Jun 23, 2011)

Jes said:


> Exactly. And while I don't want to put everyone into the 'pathological' column, there are other reasons that people might be interested in those with low self esteem--they assume (sometimes very rightly so) that such a person will never leave them.
> 
> There has to be a reason that we have at Dims, and in the wider world, lots of fat women and men who find themselves attractive, or at least don't freak out when complimented or sexed up, and yet so many posters here talk about being with body-hating partners for, like, years. SO MANY POSTERS.
> 
> I can't be the only person who sees that phenomenon as significant. I think something else is probably going on in some of these relationships.



The assumption (or hope, depending on your point of view) that a person with low self-esteem will never leave that person could actually be considered pathological because the entire assumption is dependent on keeping the person's low self esteem as low as possible. Turning what appears to be an innocent looking assumption into a possibly abusive relationship (as in abusive to themselves as well as their partners).


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## superodalisque (Jun 23, 2011)

Blackhawk2293 said:


> The assumption (or hope, depending on your point of view) that a person with low self-esteem will never leave that person could actually be considered pathological because the entire assumption is dependent on keeping the person's low self esteem as low as possible. Turning what appears to be an innocent looking assumption into a possibly abusive relationship (as in abusive to themselves as well as their partners).



i think abusive is a good word to use in that situation


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## CastingPearls (Jun 23, 2011)

Look up both pathological narcissism and inverse narcissism. It's quite eye-opening.


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## Blackhawk2293 (Jun 23, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> i think abusive is a good word to use in that situation



Well yeah, if a person has to keep their partner psychologically damaged so that the partner never leaves then it is abuse.


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## superodalisque (Jun 23, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> Look up both pathological narcissism and inverse narcissism. It's quite eye-opening.



i had never heard of an inverse narcissist. very interesting!

"...He or she often seeks a co-dependent relationship with a narcissistic partner whose own needs dominate the relationship. In fact, the narcissistic partner has no idea that the other person has needs or desires separate from his own, which is kind of true when that other is an inverse narcissist. In a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissistically wounded partner does not have to deal with the discomfort of expressing his or her own needs and desires. Interestingly, inverse narcissism is considered a form of pathological narcissism. I believe that the inverse narcissist, though, is obsessed not with the self (as the pathological narcissist is) but with the self through the eyes of others. To my mind, the inverse narcissist is also either consciously or unconsciously obsessed with self-obsession itself."


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## scoot (Jun 23, 2011)

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others.

Perhaps we are all unworthy to be together, or loved, aside of the elite among us. Where are you? ha!


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## scoot (Jun 23, 2011)

Damn, no takers?


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## scoot (Jun 23, 2011)

Thanks for proving my point...


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## superodalisque (Jun 23, 2011)

scoot said:


> Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others.
> 
> Perhaps we are all unworthy to be together, or loved, aside of the elite among us. Where are you? ha!



i think that's exactly what narcissism is about. did you really expect any narcissists to admit to that--even when they know full well what they're up to? 

its fun looking up all of the pathological stuff but i think it would be an exaggeration for most people to say that they are solidly a narcissist or an invert narcissist. as far as i know i think they add up to something like 1% of the population. but i do wonder if the net is changing something relative to that. i was listening to a piece on popcorn brain this morning. you know, the result people get from constantly moving from one piece of media to another for most of their waking hours. well, it seems that it actually changes the physiology of the brain. the result is they can't recognize the meaning of emotional expressions on the faces of real people. how wild is that? just maybe people are having a really hard time understanding how other people feel and connecting to that.


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## NancyGirl74 (Jun 23, 2011)

I agree with most of what you said but this is where my opinion differs.



Webmaster said:


> As always, attitude can make a difference. If someone is closed-minded and blows off any attempt at arriving at a better body image, that's not good. If someone confides in you and is willing to work on overcoming those issues in mutually agreeable ways, that may be an entirely different story.



Having a negative body image is not being closed-minded or having a bad attitude. When I say I don't like my body it is not because I am trying to be negative or annoying or pissy. It is how I feel and it is truth. Close-minded implies that I and women like me have never tried to change the way we see ourselves. That is simply not the case. Over and over and over again do we try to change our self perceptions. Some seek out places where they will be welcome, some seek therapy, some resort to drugs, some put themselves and their self worth in the hands of others...Still, if the feeling doesn't change or the perception doesn't change it is not due from lack of trying or simply having a "bad attitude." Is also not about the other party. It is about that individual. It sucks that a negative body image puts a crimp on someone's romantic intentions but the way one sees one's self deeply personal and has nothing to do with "you."


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