# Mothers, Daughters and Obesity



## TallFatSue

It sounds like many other fat women on this board got earfuls of mixed messages from their mothers when they were growing up. Almost sounds like I had it easy.

*Obesity is Hereditary: You Get It From Your Children.* Or so my mother believes. I'll bet one reason my mother harped about my weight as a girl was her own figure wasn't "perfect". To hear her tell it, she had a perfect figure until I was born, and ever since then she's had a little belly that annoys the dickens out of her. Not that she's really fat by any means. Not that the birth of my brother 2 years later had anything to do with it -- he's thin. So, even though she's never actually said it, but she behaves like her fat daughter made her "fat". Yeah right, Mom, obesity is contageous.

Yesterday Art & I visited my parents, and I do love them -- both 73 and still going strong. My father needed some help moving some furniture so Art gave him a hand, which was 10 minutes' work, tops. As soon as we walked in the door, I could smell my mother's gourmet cooking. She's convinced that Art & I will starve to death if she doesn't cook for a small army whenever we visit. Considering her attitude about my weight, she conveniently forgets that I could live on my fat for a year.

So while Art helped my father, I walked into the kitchen to help my mother. Mom always makes comments about my weight, or complains about her non-existent rolls of fat. I used to dread waiting for it to happen, but now I just head her off at the pass (it's fun to be a wise ass).  

Sue: Smells great, Mom. I should have worn bigger jeans.
Mom: Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?
Sue: If it gets any bigger, I'll buy a wheelbarrow, I promise.
Mom: Very funny.

We had a really nice visit, and I sure put away the food. After dinner we had a nice long chat, and Mom brought out her killer chocolate cream pie for dessert. We had lotsa leftovers to take home with us too. I know my mother only wants what's best for me, which is why she feeds me until I pop some buttons, yet also frets over how fat I am. But I'm a big girl now, so I've learn how to handle her mixed messages.

So what does my father think about my weight? As far as he's concerned, I turned out just fine. I've never heard him comment about my size, except to call me "Daddy's Little Girl". Yep, Art & I are in our late 40s with rewarding careers, and they still call us "you kids".

Excuse me, I hear some leftover chocolate cream pie calling my name.  

Sue


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## EtobicokeFA

TallFatSue said:


> *Obesity is Hereditary: You Get It From Your Children.* Or so my mother believes. I'll bet one reason my mother harped about my weight as a girl was her own figure wasn't "perfect". To hear her tell it, she had a perfect figure until I was born, and ever since then she's had a little belly that annoys the dickens out of her. Not that she's really fat by any means. Not that the birth of my brother 2 years later had anything to do with it -- he's thin. So, even though she's never actually said it, but she behaves like her fat daughter made her "fat". Yeah right, Mom, obesity is contageous.
> 
> Excuse me, I hear some leftover chocolate cream pie calling my name.
> 
> Sue



What's next, are they going to claim we all "choose" to fat while we were still in the womb?


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## fatlane

That, and then an extreme religious zealot countering with how fatness isn't in God's plan. Bring up walruses and he says they were creations of Satan...


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## Webmaster

TallFatSue said:


> It sounds like many other fat women on this board got earfuls of mixed messages from their mothers when they were growing up. Almost sounds like I had it easy.



Sue, I think the interaction between fat daughters and thin or average sized mothers could fill several very thick books. 

If it's a woman's own daughter I suppose the main thrust will be that her fat daughter will never get a man. If it's her daughter in law, it's that her precious son could have done so much better than some fat woman....


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## Rosie

I was adopted, and have had two adopted mothers (the first died when I was 4 and my dad remarried shortly after), both of them were thin when they married Dad, and both ended up gaining weight and becoming fat (gosh, is it something about my dad? LOL). I wasn't fat as a child, but was chunky and neither of my parents said anything about it. Food was never restricted because of my weight, tho we were not allowed to eat at will (ie. snack between meals), and my brother was extremely thin, so we were treated the same. As an adult, when I'd put some weight on, I do remember my dad commenting on how I should lose, or I'd never find a decent job. Yet my weight never seemed to be a factor in finding employment. He hasn't said anything about it in well over 10 years now. Perhaps I'm just lucky, but I very rarely have anyone IRL say anything about my weight - except doctors!

Rosie


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## Cannibal

My mother used to be an aerobics instructor, and she wakes up every morning at 5, works out for at least an hour, bikes to work, walks the dog, goes out to the country and rides horses, and sometimes bikes around some more for fun. She eats salads almost exclusively, and every time we go out to a restraunt she doesn't order anything, waiting until we get home to eat a salad without dressing.

Luckily for me, my mom is also a very wonderful person, and I've never heard her say anything bad about anyone at any weight. Although she's big on encouraging the family to eat healthy and exercise, she'll still make burgers for the family if we ask nicely. And when I gained about twenty pounds in a month when I was on Depakote, she didn't say a word. Meanwhile, my dad is my ally in getting Cheetos and pie. 

Moral of the story? A wonderful parent is a wonderful parent no matter what their weight. My mom's just a lovely (eerily energetic and perky, though) person in general.


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## BBW Betty

TallFatSue said:


> My father said something interesting. "Don't worry about your mother. She loves you, but she's not happy unless she can fuss over something. You remember when you and your brother were little, and your mother would always make us pass inspection whenever we went to a restaurant? I always made sure my tie was a little crooked and part of my collar was turned over, just so she could fix it. Then she'd be happy for the rest of the evening."



Now that is a new way of looking at it. I'd always tried to please my mom growing up--I was the oldest of 4 kids, and certain things were expected. I was consistently on the honor roll, stayed out of trouble, learned the "female" skills: cooking, sewing, etc. But there always had to be something. She literally harped about my weight so much, I wonder if I subconsciously sabotoged her attempts to diet me to normalcy. You know, what I could control, or something. 

The criticism continued through and beyond college. I ended up substitute teaching for years. More than once I heard; "Lose some weight so you can get a job and get a man." It hurt, but life took care of things. I found a teaching position. Ended up quitting after 7 years, but it had nothing to do with my weight. Long side story there...

Met a wonderful man when I was 31, and married him when I was 33, and now after almost 3 years married, we want to start a family. NOW I seem to finally be meeting with maternal approval. Most of the time. 

Anyway, Mom-daughter relationships are complicated. Mom had been a little bit heavy growing up, but nothing like me. And she'd taken a lot of grief from classmates and teachers, and I truly think she wanted to spare me some of it. Moms also often hope their daughters be able to live the dreams they themselves couldn't. I think the disappointment when a daughter turns into her own person hits really hard.

I guess that's enough rambling, but any psychologist tackling this one would be in for a heck of a ride.


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## missaf

My mom went off the deep end and entered a midlife crisis that involved dating my high school friends. I don't put much credence in a relationship with her, since she really didn't raise me  She may have installed my buttons, but I actually chose my "mom," a kind wisened lady who has inspired me to be who I am, accept it, grow, and live life to its fullest. She, too, is overweight, and has been an example to me in that, too.

Now, I'm a mom, and my son is a healthy eater! He's not overweight, but he's hungry every 2.5 hours. I let his hunger control his eating, but I also ask him if he's bored before he gets a snack. I tease him about always being hungry, maybe that's not a good thing, but we both do get a laugh out of it


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## Single26Female

TallFatSue said:


> It sounds like many other fat women on this board got earfuls of mixed messages from their mothers when they were growing up. Almost sounds like I had it easy.
> 
> .............
> Excuse me, I hear some leftover chocolate cream pie calling my name.
> 
> Sue




Thanks for writing this. My relationship w/my mother was awful. The weight issue was just one of many she harped on consistently. 

My mom is 4'11'' and weighed less than 100lbs for most of her life.

I was her biggest disappointment.

Just tonight, she told me, "you don't take care of yourself."

This is from a woman who has NEVER been inside of a gym, smokes, eats red meat and salt, drinks more Pepsi than water, AND has heart disease/hypertension/asthma/RA and still won't take care of herself...

It hurts me to the core 

I'm just glad to read someone else's story...it means a lot


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## LillyBBBW

I got the same things as everyone else growing up. Everyone seems to think that they can 'shame' you somehow into losing weight. 

What's so weird about the whole thing is that my mom is kind of a feeder. To her, food is love and if you gobble up what she feeds you and rave about how great it is she'll practically levitate off the ground and fly off into the night she's so thrilled. One moment she'll launch into a long sermon of hand wringing advice and dire prophecies about my weight and then 10 minutes later she'll hand me a platter with a 10 pound pork shoulder on it that she made specifically for me to take home. She asks me how it was and I've learned that it's best to tell her I started nibbling on it the moment I walked in the door. She'll howl with delight knowing I just couldn't restrain myself from eating her stuff. She's a puzzle that one. And don't _*EVER*_ cook anything and bring it to her home. She's super competitive. You cannot enter her home without being handed a plate of something. And SHE'S not fat, nor is anyone else in the family! Guess I'm just lucky.

Nobody gives me a hard time about my weight much any more. I'm fairly mean about telling people to mind their own business so I think everyone's afraid. Mom still tosses out a shot maybe three times a year and I just let her have her say. We're actually quite close. She can't help who she is any more than I can so it's a compromise.


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## BBW Betty

LillyBBBW said:


> Everyone seems to think that they can 'shame' you somehow into losing weight.
> 
> What's so weird about the whole thing is that my mom is kind of a feeder. To her, food is love and if you gobble up what she feeds you and rave about how great it is she'll practically levitate off the ground and fly off into the night she's so thrilled. One moment she'll launch into a long sermon of hand wringing advice and dire prophecies about my weight and then 10 minutes later she'll hand me a platter with a 10 pound pork shoulder on it that she made specifically for me to take home.




Yep, lots of mixed messages from families. My mom does some of the same stuff. Except she'll acknowledge that I'm a pretty good cook myself, and she asks for an occasional recipe.

When she does say something about my weight now, I can sum it up with "Never trust a skinny cook," and we're both OK for a while with that one.


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## TallFatSue

It's really amazing to see how many of us grew up with mixed messages from our parents like "Clean your plate, but lose the weight." My mother wasn't so unusual after all. If I knew then what I know now ...  

Sue


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## moonvine

TallFatSue said:


> It's really amazing to see how many of us grew up with mixed messages from our parents like "Clean your plate, but lose the weight." My mother wasn't so unusual after all. If I knew then what I know now ...
> 
> Sue




I never had any mixed messages at all. Fat (and for the most part, food) was to be avoided at all costs. My mother has never overfed anyone in her life. Dinner for us would be something like 2 chicken breasts split amongst 4 people. Dessert only on very special occasions such as Thanksgiving or Christmas or birthdays (though I must say my mother is a very good from-scratch cook).


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## Aliena

Webmaster said:


> If it's her daughter in law, it's that her precious son could have done so much better than some fat woman....



This is soooo true in my experience. My m-in-law's first reaction to me was pleasant to my face, but she did ask my husband, (who happends to be a very large man himself), "Will she be healthy enough for you son?"

I wonder if that comment was the fact in her mind, fat does not equal children or what, but I haven't ever confronted or approached her about the subject. She's not unfriendly towards me, but you can definitely tell I'm not a favorite person of hers. 
I asked Mr. M if his mother wondered if he was healthy enough for me, considering he is only 20lbs less than me as far as weight is concerned and his reply is, "well, she didn't mention it."

My mother was a heavy woman all her life and I can only remember a few times she gave grief concerning my weight. It was usually out of frustration when it was school clothes shopping time. 

My father on the other hand was always fine with me. He would tell me a true gentleman will not care what I am on the outside, rather care I am a beautiful woman on the inside.
Yeaup, my pop was pretty cool in that regard.


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## Aliena

Single26Female said:


> Thanks for writing this. My relationship w/my mother was awful. The weight issue was just one of many she harped on consistently.
> 
> My mom is 4'11'' and weighed less than 100lbs for most of her life.
> 
> I was her biggest disappointment.
> 
> Just tonight, she told me, "you don't take care of yourself."
> 
> This is from a woman who has NEVER been inside of a gym, smokes, eats red meat and salt, drinks more Pepsi than water, AND has heart disease/hypertension/asthma/RA and still won't take care of herself...
> 
> It hurts me to the core
> 
> I'm just glad to read someone else's story...it means a lot




This is what I call PROJECTING!! Your mother obviously has issues with her own health, yet has a hard time dealing with them. She looks at you and projects her *denial* onto you, because she has bought, hook-line-sinker, the media *BS* that is shoved down our throats all day. 

Next time she says something like that to you, your reply should be something like this, "I take care of myself just fine mom..." "...pretty healthy too, but now if your refering to the second hand smoke thing, well...yeah, I've been concerned about that too."

Good luck to you....I know how difficult it is to *suck it in*.


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## Tad

Yup, my mom was guilty of this. No real surprise because she has always had a bias against fat folk--although she is one of those moms that at the same time is always pushing food at you.

When my now wife first met my family she was about a size 12/14, and I could tell that my mom was not totally impressed. I was in my final year of university at the time, and after I graduated I took some months to find work, and then ended up a few hundred miles away from my girl friend (a solid size 14 by then). My mom made some not so subtle comments to me that maybe it was time to move on and that it made more sense to find a new girlfriend. I don't know that this was specifically weight related, but it may have been a factor. That may helped encourage me to make the long distance thing work 

When we got married my wife was about a size 18 (and I was about 20 pounds heavier than when we'd met), and whenever we were visiting my parents, my mom was frequently irrationally committed to getting us to go for a walk or some such--we were actually fairly active at the time, but she didn't seem to believe it.

We ended up moving to the same town as my parents a year after getting married. My wife was up to a size 20, and I had gained 20 pounds since the wedding. My wife moved up first and stayed with my parents for a few months before I moved up. Thing was that then my mother finally realized just how much we walked and biked, and how healthily we ate. My wife biked to work most days, about an hour's ride each way for her, and so on. After that I heard my mother explaining how healthy our lifestyle was to some of her friends, I guess assuming that they would have made unfavorable judgements of our slovenly fat-folk ways. I was glad that she was no longer making subtle comments in that way (although she still makes digs to me about my weight), but I'd rather she felt no need to comment on the topic at all.

-Ed


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## TallFatSue

Aliena said:


> This is what I call PROJECTING!!


I've read so many posts here and said "Yes! Yes! Yes!" because the very same things have happened to me. It's really cool that other people make the same comments about my experiences too. So I don't have a monopoly on the big *3 M: Mixed-Message Mothers*.

Saturday afternoon my 73-year-old mother wanted me to shop for clothes with her. Considering I'm 20 sizes bigger, it's always an adventure. She doesn't nag me toooo awfully much about my weight nowadays (something about me having a good career and a great husband might have convinced her that there's more to me than body fat). But she still uncorks a few zingers now and then: "That dress makes your butt look big." "Mom, my butt is big." Some of you have mentioned that your mothers *project* their own problems onto you, and I'm sure my mother projects her own annoyance with her little round belly onto me.  

It's d&#233;j&#224; vu all over again. One thing that really tickles me is when an author "gets it" which is why I like Denise Swanson so much. Last week I finished her latest book, and this morning I looked up a shopping scene in an earlier book because it rang a bell. Change some names and it could have been my mother and me yesterday (except my mother is just a couple sizes larger than the mother in that book), so I scanned a couple pages (see below).

Afterward Mom & I went to lunch at Panera Caf&#233;. I like their semi-booth seating: padded bench along the wall on one side of the table and regular chairs on the other side. My double-wide butt loves the full support of bench seating, and I know we can slide the table to accommodate my belly and boobage. I always expect my mother to make a comment about me needing the extra space, but she didn't. Nope, she waited until I was about to take my first bite (I had French onion soup and a smoked turkey club sandwich, yum yum): "Do you think you should be eating all of that?" "Yes, Mom. That's why it's called *food*." I ate everything too, but my mother only picked at about half of her lunch. And later of course she got hungry again. Mothers, gotta love 'em. 

Sue

*Murder of a Barbie and Ken by Denise Swanson:*


> *Shopping for clothing for May was tricky. She wanted an outfit to make her look ten years younger, ten pounds slimmer, and ten times more beautiful. Skye held up a red dress for her inspection.
> 
> "You know I don't look good in red."
> 
> "Sorry." Skye felt her eye start to twitch. "Give me a hint. What should I be looking for?"
> 
> May ticked off the requirements on her fingers. "Nothing fancy. It should be casual, but in a dressy way. No black. Not long, but not short either."
> 
> "Okay." Skye's head was spinning with the conflicting descriptions. "That should be easy to find."
> 
> "And I don't want to pay a lot of money for it."
> 
> It would be a long day. Skye held up another dress, this one a navy blue with a straight skirt and a tailored bodice.
> 
> "No. That's too fitted. It would show all my rolls of fat."
> 
> Skye bit the inside of her cheek. Her mother wore a size six or eight, and the only bulges were in her imagination.
> 
> May finally found a couple of dresses to try on and Skye perched on a bench outside the dressing room, waiting for her mother's command to bring her a different size or color.
> 
> The white louvered doors burst open. May strode to the three-way mirror and turned from side to side. "What do you think?"
> 
> Before Skye could answer her mother declared, "It doesn't do anything for me, does it?"
> 
> The dress hung loosely on May's small frame. "It's too big." Skye tilted her head. "Why don't I get an eight?" May had insisted on trying on a twelve.
> 
> "Then it would be too tight." May's expression was stubborn. "Let me try on the other one and see if I like it."
> 
> "Go ahead. I'll be right here." Skye resumed her seat.
> 
> The second dress fit a lot better--but May concluded the neckline was too low. Skye's suggestion of a scarf was vetoed, and May decided they should go on to the next store.
> *


PS. Itty bitty rant: I'm thrilled whenever I see a good fat actress on the screen like Kathy Bates, Lindsay Hollister or Conchata Ferrell. But in the back of my mind I'll always remember Kirstey Alley, who built her show _Fat Actress_ around her size, but then lost weight anyway. And if fat actresses as talented as Camryn Mannheim and Kathy Najimy need to lose weight to remain employable, then Hollywood still has unrealistic views about women of size. That's one reason I support plus-sized writers like Charlaine Harris, Denise Swanson, Jennifer Weiner etc. They're in the public eye as authors, but since they're somewhat behind the scenes, they can be successful fat women and not face quite the same pressure to lose weight and conform to unrealistic standards. (End of rant)


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## BBW Betty

Just wanted to say Thank you for starting this thread. I agree many of the experiences seemed similar across the board, and it helps so much to know that none of us is alone.

You should have seen my mom's face when I mentioned the 2-piece swimsuit my husband bought for me a few years ago. She can hardly believe it, yet! 

Betty


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## TallFatSue

BBW Betty said:


> Just wanted to say Thank you for starting this thread. I agree many of the experiences seemed similar across the board, and it helps so much to know that none of us is alone.
> 
> You should have seen my mom's face when I mentioned the 2-piece swimsuit my husband bought for me a few years ago. She can hardly believe it, yet!
> 
> Betty


Yeah I have both 1-piece and 2-piece swimsuits. Last February Art & I went to Acapulco, and back at home when I passed around our photo album, of course my mother was aghast that I wore a 2-piece swimsuit with -- _all together now_ -- "that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see."  

Art & I had a great time in Acapulco. One surprise of that vacation was that I ticked off a bevy of skinny little bambis half my age because I inadvertently stole their limelight. I was laughing and just being my usual friendly wise ass on the beach and in the pools at our resort that some men were buying me drinks at the swim-up bar and ignoring the bambis. Finally one of the bambis groused that it must be whale season down here. So I replied, "I see you're practising birth control -- with your personality." Art thought it was hilarious. It's all part of being his "trophy wife", ya know.  

Sue

PS. Despite my mother's occasional comments about my size, she loves to shop or have lunch with me every week or two, so I must have some redeeming qualities. She rarely does stuff with my brother's wife (my Sister-In-Law, whom I call SIL or Silly or sometimes S-O-L, depending on how much of a wise gal I am). SIL is a thin fashion princess, impeccably dressed and every hair in place, who gives air kisses. My mother says their picture-perfect house needs velvet ropes like a museum.


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## Webmaster

This turned out to be a very valuable thread. Not only does it contains many accounts of the often difficult relationships between fat women and their mothers, it also makes those accounts available to other fat women posters/readers. This is the kind of free-flowing, educational. liberating exchange of information in a size-positive environment that is at the core of the Dimensions philosophy.

I am therefore making this thread a stickie so that it remains visible and accessible. In time, I may set up a special section for particularly valuable and informative threads.


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## Jes

TallFatSue said:


> My father said something interesting. "Don't worry about your mother. She loves you, but she's not happy unless she can fuss over something. You remember when you and your brother were little, and your mother would always make us pass inspection whenever we went to a restaurant? I always made sure my tie was a little crooked and part of my collar was turned over, just so she could fix it. Then she'd be happy for the rest of the evening."
> QUOTE]
> 
> Sue, just now read this and I have to say--fascinating. I mean, really. How perceptive and insightful your father must be. Nice of him to play to your mother, too (know what I mean? He knows what to do to smooth the waters, something we either often don't know how to do or are not willing to do). I'll be thinking about his comment all day long, I'm sure.
> 
> 
> Jes
> 
> edited to say: i'm too lazy to go back and fix my quoting mistake, but i'll at least acknolwedge it.


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## Aliena

TallFatSue said:


> So I replied, "I see you're practising birth control -- with your personality."



This is one of the best quips I've read in a long time. I will have to remember this one in the future; it brought a huge smile to my face!!:eat2:


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## Emma

Ahh my mum is strange.

As a child I never got sweets like everyone else. My school lunch would consist of a 1 slice of bread sandwhich (with something like low sugar jam in it, no butter) and a low fat yogart. I always felt left out coz the other kids had chocolate and crisps almost every day. I was allowed 25p a week, so I could buy one chocolate bar on a friday, but she always used to go mad if I just ate it like normal, she wanted me to suck it and make it last. Don't get me wrong we weren't poor, I never lacked for clothes, toys or anything else. That went on till highschool, and when I didn't take a sandwhich to school, I wasn't allowed dinner in the evening if I had lunch at school. 
The meals at home were always small and healthy. But even though I stuck to this I was always big and I always got called a pig by her and told that I was eating too much. 
These days she doesn't bother so much, but at the moment she's getting frustrated with my newly aquired strange eating habbits. 
Though even now she can't understand why I don't eat like her. (She normally has some toast in the morning and either a bowl of cerial in the evening or beans on toast) and she's weird about it if I eat more than one meal in a day.


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## nicolethefantastic

My mom used to obsess over my weight... from a very young age, i remember her talking to my aunt about it, i must have been about 6 or 7 and my aunt just said "ah, she'll grow out of it"... but guess what, I didn't! Soon after that I remember my aunt coming up to me and telling me that I should practise sucking my tummy in at all times- she said she did it... (she is and has always been stick thin btw, her heaviest weight was when she was pregnant... a whopping 65kgs! *sarcasm drips*) 

Back to my mom... she used to monitor what i ate like an eagle, "that's enough nicole" was a common phrase... and then there were the constant surprise weigh-ins she would do. I hated and feared those days. By the age of about 15 i began lying to my mother about my weight, just to get her off my case. But eventually i cracked; i hated lying to her.... so i told her... and we had a long conversation about it... me committing myself to losing weight, with her help. And I did... but it was hell, i hated the gym... don't like sweating so... you can imagine, sweating in public was a nightmare. And then the eating, or NOT eating. Gah! I hated it. But i lost weight... but it didn't change anything. Probably didn't help that my mom said at one point that she had felt she had "failed me" because I was so fat. 

My mom has issues with weight herself... she has never been as big as me, but has faced criticism in her childhood for being healthy... so i think alot of her issues with weight have been re-projected on to me. Sighs. And it's sad... i know my mom loves me, but it's sad to think that she wants me to change... you know? She is concerned with my health I am sure... but i am also sure that her issues are deeper than that, that she fears that I may not find a partner because of my size... that I may be treated differently.... and the concern is because she loves me... but it still hurts somewhere, that she doesn't believe that I am enough.... that I have enough power within me to get what I want... and that that belief has been holding me back for SO many years now. I have hated my size since... about 12... so even though i am 20, it seems like a very long time to me... But i am glad to say that i am slowly moving out of that... and thinking for myself... in my opinion it's about finding the power and strength to look beyond societal influence (incl. mothers and extended family) and finding acceptance within yourself. 
Getting to that point... has been the hardest part for me... so here i am for all to behold: the process of re-programming has begun.


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## LillyBBBW

nicolethefantastic said:


> ... so here i am for all to behold: the process of re-programming has begun.



And I am so excited for you. You have so much to look forward to Nicole, the best is yet to come!


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## Jes

nicolethefantastic said:


> also sure that her issues are deeper than that, that she fears that I may not find a partner because of my size... that I may be treated differently.....




I think a great many parents fear this with fat children--and I wish they realized that sometimes, harping or trying to 'correct,' instead of simply accepting and instilling good self esteem, really forces the child to build up emotional walls which then make the parents' fear much more likely. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. It really is as simple as that, sometimes.


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## BBW Anna

Thanks for all your stories!!
My mothers comments when I was young always hurted 
I mean a young girl with low self esteam are VERY sensitive!!
She was concerned about my owerweight and when she got frustated she yelled at me and told me my butt was as big as a "barndoor"
And I cryed and cryed...thought that i would be alone for the rest of my life.
That no boy would ever find me attractive 

When I was 18 I meet my first boyfriend and then I realized that I was pretty enough...that It WAS posible that someone could like me and my body.Never had problems getting boys after that.

Back to my mom....
Its much better now.We can openly talk about my weight and healthissues.
If she "nags" I stop her,remind her about that Im a adult and only I can do something about my weight.
She cant.

Im a mom myself and my daughter who is almost 6 is chubby like I was in that age.
i see so much of myself in her.
Except that she always had a great self asteam!!
In away I have better understanding for my mothers frustration now but I would never call my daughter fat/pig/barndoor!!

Anna


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## BBW Betty

Jes said:


> I think a great many parents fear this with fat children--and I wish they realized that sometimes, harping or trying to 'correct,' instead of simply accepting and instilling good self esteem, really forces the child to build up emotional walls which then make the parents' fear much more likely. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. It really is as simple as that, sometimes.




I think this is what it all comes down to. So many people forget or ignore the fact that lack of confidence puts others off, or invites abuse. I applaud Anna for making sure her daughter has good self-esteem. When everyone is able to feel secure and loved within their own family, I think the rest of the world will be a better place, too.


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## TallFatSue

BBW Betty said:


> I think this is what it all comes down to. So many people forget or ignore the fact that lack of confidence puts others off, or invites abuse. I applaud Anna for making sure her daughter has good self-esteem. When everyone is able to feel secure and loved within their own family, I think the rest of the world will be a better place, too.


Low self-esteem is a viscious cycle, but it's true that people judge others by how they judge themselves (within reason). Luckily I blundered onto this realization as a teenager. Only we can give ourselves good self-esteem, but it's not easy. I know my mother loves me, but she badgered me about my weight as a girl and my self-esteem took a nosedive. Through junior high school, I hated being the big tall fat girl, and I moped around and wanted to hide. The other kids called me *Suzy Bigfoot* (I find this name amusing now) and *Whale Belly*, and in retrospect it really wasn't so much that I was big but I was *an easy target*. Then one fine day in high school I got fed up with the mental abuse and began to give as good as I got. One of the the cheerleader bitches made one too many comments about my size and I fired back with a wisecrack *and a smile*, and everyone laughed. Good gravy, everyone was laughing *with* me and not *at* me! So I became a friendly wise ass -- yep, the stereotypical big tall fat girl who made everyone laugh. I began to act confident, hoping no one would see that it was all an act, because I was still verrrry insecure on the inside. But soon I had lotsa friends, and my defense mechanism worked so well that before long I really was confident. And the more my mother nagged about my weight, the more I viewed my fat as a symbol of my independence. Ah, my rebellious youth -- fat and proud of it.


Webmaster said:


> This turned out to be a very valuable thread. Not only does it contains many accounts of the often difficult relationships between fat women and their mothers, it also makes those accounts available to other fat women posters/readers. This is the kind of free-flowing, educational. liberating exchange of information in a size-positive environment that is at the core of the Dimensions philosophy.
> 
> I am therefore making this thread a stickie so that it remains visible and accessible. In time, I may set up a special section for particularly valuable and informative threads.


Yes I am extremely pleasantly surprised by how well this thread has resonated with everyone. For me it's another case of "if I knew then what I know now" but at least other fat girls and fat women can see that they're not alone by any means. And maybe I did figure it out back then after all.

Sue


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## TallFatSue

The things we learn or piece together long after the fact. Mothers, daughters and obesity are a volatile mixture, but suppose we add *grandmothers* to the recipe?  

On another post yesterday I mentioned my grandparents, which got me to thinking. Both of my grandmothers spoiled me rotten when I was a girl (nothing wrong with that, as long as it's *me*  ). They must have tried to outdo each other feeding me the best goodies. My grandmothers were fantastic bakers, and they always had cakes, cookies and pies galore made from recipes from the old countries. My mother always warned me not to eat everything they gave me because I'd only make myself sick (yeah, but it a was *good* kind of sick).

Maybe my mother harped about my weight because was her duty to engage in "caloric damage control", to coin a phrase. Maybe this is one reason my mother always gave me such mixed messages. Back at home she nagged that I should watch what I eat, but 5 minutes later she also tried to feed me plenty of goodies. And spoiled brat that I was, naturally I played the mother / grandmothers system for all it was worth, to eat as many goodies as I could. 

Sue


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## BBW Betty

Yep, I recall being called some some not so nice nicknames, including *Betty Confetti, Buffalo Betty*. It was usually run together in a rhyming scheme. This was in junior high. 

High school was strange. I got along with everyone, but didn't seem to belong to any one group. A few other "misfit" girls and I kind of made our own, and a couple of us have stayed good friends for the last 20 years since graduation. I still can't say why it all happened that way, though. I was the farm kid who graduated with honors, but had been in very few extra activities. Sometimes I think my mom fueled a feeling of ostracism because she had felt that way with the mothers of some of my classmates. (Did this wording make sense?) 

I'm still sure I'm descriminated against for jobs, but I can't PROVE it.

As far as grandmothers go, one of mine died when I was very young. My other granmother coudln't afford to spoil her grandkids (there are 36 cousins just on that side of the family). I think I was pretty close with her until I moved away from home, but even she began to lecture me about my weight after I was done with college. That really hurt. I guess it was one corner I thought was safe.

Sorry these get so long and rambling, but my mental and emotional threads are extremely tangled in this. I guess I just start musing.


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## TallFatSue

I'll probably never completely stop my mother from commenting about my weight, but at least I can control it. Art & I stopped over at my parents' house for a couple hours on Saturday, and Mom had a magazine on the counter open by sheer coincidence (yeah right) to a big weight-loss ad "Do You Suffer From Obesity?" So I closed the magazine.

Mom: "Did you see that ad?"
Sue: "Yeah, but it doesn't apply to me."
Mom: "Doesn't apply?"
Sue: "You'd have to agree I don't exactly suffer." 

Well I had her there, and once again I got her daily fat comment out of the way. As my father says, my mother loves me but always has to fuss about something.


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## Ash

Very interesting stories. Mine is a little different, though. My mom was always present, but my grandmother basically raised me. My grandmother was the most amazing woman I've ever known, but she had serious body image issues. She was a thin girl and young woman, but, after 5 kids, she started gaining weight steadily. At her highest, she probably weighed about 350. Such was the case for most of the women in my family. They started out thin and very pretty and, after they had kids, gained weight until, as adults, they were pretty big. I was the anomaly: I started getting chubby in kindergarten and never stopped. So, while there were a whole lot of fat people in my extended family, I was the only fat _kid_. 

My grandmother was very sensitive about the weight she had gained and was carrying. Probably as a result, she was very protective of me and my weight. She didn't want anyone to comment on my fat or to allude to the fact that I was different. As a result, however, I grew up feeling like my fat was somehow taboo. We never, ever talked about it. Once I got to high school, she started taking me along on her dieting adventures. We tried everything. We counted points on Weight Watchers. We even tried that stupid cabbage-soup diet. But mostly, we just didn't talk about it. She passed away two summers ago (of breast cancer), still incredibly uncomfortable with her body. 

Strangely, my grandfather has started going places my grandmother never would with me. He has offered to finance WLS for me; he has tried to convince me to join a gym. He even bought me those "not for the casual dieter" weight-loss pills from the infomercials. I think he's incredibly afraid that something will happen to me, and I understand that. However, I have finally gotten to the place where I am happy and comfortable with my fat and my life. When he rallies hard for me to lose the weight, I often end up feeling that he just doesn't get it. So I mostly just placate him by telling him that I have taken the pills but that they don't work. I hate to lie, but I know that, if I told him that I wasn't taking them, he'd be very hurt. The truth just isn't worth that.


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## cute_obese_girl

I've been fat most of my life. It was usually my dad that made outright nasty comments, but my mom would also imply things about wanting me to lose weight without necessarily saying it. Or just that kind of disapproving look. Somehow that just seemed worse than my dad's methods. To me he was just a jerk, but my mom was disappointed in me (my greatest fear as a child). My self esteem was devastated. I never felt like I was good enough for them. And I always felt they would love me IF I lost weight. By the time I was 11 I plunged into a viscious cycle of starving myself and binging. Of course it totally screwed up my metabolism and I just kept gaining weight. This went on until I graduated college. At that point I guess I felt like it became my life. That was the last thing that can be expected of me as their child. Since then I've started to eat more normally and regularly. I'm coming to terms with myself and have made it clear to my mom, that she doesn't have the right to say anything to me anymore. She's respecting that. I'm lucky that with all those years of mistreating my body I came out of it with just a slow metabolism and the occasional acid reflux. My metabolism is slowly on the upswing towards normal and I just don't see the point in hating myself anymore.


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## BBW Betty

cute_obese_girl said:


> ... but my mom was disappointed in me (my greatest fear as a child). .




I think a lot of us experienced this kind of thing. Just hopefully we can outgrow it, or at least realize that it is ourselves we must please. Not become selfish, but comfortable with who with are.


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## LurkingBBW

My mother was a bit overweight but, never a big as I. I was a chubby baby, a fat child and teenager and became a fat adult. I am now about 310 pounds. I was ridiculed by my parents and constantly forced to go on diets and sent to my first "diet doctor" at 10 years old and 160 pounds. That was one of many. I was always berated at the dinner table so that I would not eat dessert or anything fattening for that matter. And remember my father watching me as I got up to turn the channel of the TV when I was about 15 and saying that I must be over 200 pounds with a disgusted look. Of course I said that I wasn't but, I was. I had the forced weigh ins and my mother wrote my weight down as she tried to get me to diet. They tried to force me to go to a "fat girls" camp to lose weight but, I said that I wouldn't go and put my foot down. Strangely enough, it was my parents and brothers who always bothered me about my size. I did not have a lot of people bothering me other than them. I had no self esteem at all and it took me years to get over it. And, my parents both smoked at least 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Both were overweight but, not by much. They hated fat and were always dieting. It's really too bad what parents do to fat kids. Thank to Conrad, we have a place like this to discuss our issues. And, to finally feel good about our size. Dimensions has helped me so much over the past few years.

Thank you Conrad for this open forum. This has and will continue to help so many people. And, thank you Sue for starting this thread.


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## blueeyedevie

I tired so hard to stay away from this topic. Due to the emotional attachment. I just seemed to be pulled into it. My mother and my weight, and now to bring up Grandmothers. SMILES, I had the best grandmother in the world! She taught me how to cook, clean, run a house, all at a very young age. She taught me in a way how to survive my mother. Grandmother got very sick as my youth progressed. Food for me was very much a (I am sorry) or (you did so good) trip. Also I was a binge eater. If you said I couldn't have it, as soon as I was alone (which was a lot) I ate it. I never binge eat now. I don't have the need or want to. I eat a lot now on the hole. Because I have grown to eat a lot. MY mother you can blame for that. I never would before say that. BUT TODAY I WILL.

As a child I was on diet after diet, just to go to the doctor and be told I lost so much weight and then be taken out to eat a huge meal. My mother was a big eater; to this day she can out eat me in any sitting. She has taken and maintained her self form around 450 to 300-250 range. I don't really no how she does it, the way she eats. Except to say the unhealthy way. 

Well, after I lost the weight from 600 to 400. I did good maintaining for a while. Then I got sick to death of hearing how fat I was when I felt great. How I needed to loose weight. I GOT mad. I got passed mad. I got vengeful. I started eating everything I wanted when I wanted. IF I was hunger I ate it. If I wanted chocolate I ate it. If she was around and I was hungry I ate. The funny thing about mom is. She goes on and on about dieting, then when I stay over with her, she cooks me four to five eggs, with four to five pieces of bread, with sausage and jelly. More than I would normally eat in one setting. Typically average what she would eat. What is the difference between she and I. Will she works and has always has been healthier than I have? She moves more and does more than I do. She doesn't drink the cokes or eat the sweets I do. OVER all I don't really know. However I know that mother and obesity run hand and hand. For what ever reasons it may be. 

I think one other good point is to point out. When I was a teen ager I was never over 250. I was so tall know one could have ever thought I weighted that much. I was lucky, I didn't have problems at school with people calling me names, nor did I have problems with doing things etc. I was in good physical shape just not mental and health wise. I thought NOT only was I the ugliest thing on the earth but I was the fattest. MY mother put this in my head. She would tell me how I needed to loose weight then bring home stack on stack of pizza from her second job. I never felt good about myself in till I was in the 450-500 range. I thought my body was at the peak. I let her again bring me down. Like BBW Betty said Hopefully we can out grow it. I haven't quite ye;t but I am working on it. Who would have known to look at me now I almost died from being to thin at age two. You grow you move on. Least that is what I am hoping for...


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## Paul

blueeyedevie said:


> I thought NOT only was I the ugliest thing on the earth but I was the fattest. MY mother put this in my head.


blueeyedevie: It is amazing the things our parents can do to us. Recently I took a trip to visit my parents and it seemed that nothing I did was good enough for my father. I understand how parents can be:bow: just that in my case it is my father.

Evie I have viewed several of your pictures online. You are very lovely and photogenic! Never would I think of you as "the ugliest thing on earth". Rather I would say you are one of the prettiest women I have seen fat or thin.:wubu: Psssst...I know how parents can make us believe many of the negative things they say about us.

Paul.


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## fatgirl33

Thanks for starting this thread, it has been really nice to read everyone else's experience with their parents, weight, etc.

My parents were a little overweight and never really touched on it as much of a topic. When I started to really gain weight as a young adult my mom made a comment here or there, but nothing I wasn't already thinking at the time, as I hadn't yet come to accept myself or embrace my love of fat.

I have to hand it to my mom, she has really come to grips with a lot. A few years ago she lost my dad, and they were very close. Shortly thereafter I can out to my family as a lesbian, which was another blow to my mom (although I still wonder if she suspected it anyway). Around that time I had hit my heaviest weight, too. But here we are, a few years later. She is more loving and supportive now than since I was a little kid. She thinks my partner is great (and she's MUCH fatter than I am, and mom has kept her mouth shut about it! That impresses me still!), and she is delighted to be a grandma now.

It's funny how things eventually all work out, despite some very trying times... I believe that sometimes we actually do learn from some of our mistakes, and that makes me feel a little more hopeful.

fg33


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## Lorna

Having read an identified with the threads that have so far been posted, hugs to those who shared hurtful memories, I thought I would also add my thoughts as an over weight mother with a slim daughter.
My daughter who will be sweet sixteen in a few days has always commented on her own weight... I think she is gorgeous just as she is!. Her best friend is extremely skinny, my daughter is far more feminine and could not be considered fat by any strech of the imagination!
Any way I have raised her and her brother with values that I hold close to my heart, acceptance of people no matter the size is the one most pertinant to this thread.
Anyway last night she was watching a (lovely ) documentary called 'Eating themselves to death' please read this title with a big scary voice and the apporpriate musical backing!!. She sat watching the whole show saying how the people featured were disgusting, imagine allowing themselves to get to that point, they are killing themselves and further derogetory comments. All the while watching my response to her. 
I think that she was taking pleasure from knowing I was uncomfortable and while I tried to discuss the programme and its one sided comments with her in an adult manner I honestly think that she was enjoying grouping me with the people on the screen. 
So now I think where did I go wrong....? havent I talked enough and shown her through my actions that people are people and beauty comes from the soul and spirit of a person.
I dont know really the point I am trying to make here other than no matter how much you would like someone to see you for the person you are ultimately they have their own views and values. So I will go on and try to promote positive ideals about people who are fat, I think however that my main battle field now appears to be my own home


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## Tad

Lorna said:


> My daughter who will be sweet sixteen in a few days has always commented on her own weight...
> 
> All the while watching my response to her.
> I think that she was taking pleasure from knowing I was uncomfortable and while I tried to discuss the programme and its one sided comments with her in an adult manner I honestly think that she was enjoying grouping me with the people on the screen.



Lorna;

You know her best, but is it possible that she is just being a teenager? How many grew their hair long or cut it short or got tatoos or wore hippy clothes or skater clothes or preppy clothes or refused to go to church or chose an extreme church or became vegetarians or refused to follow religious food rules or or or! as teenagers? Even those of us who were not huge rebels I'm sure hurt our parents sometimes as we pushed them away. 

She obviously knows you've gained weight, I don't know if she knows that you've enjoyed the process. Well, that is not her at the moment. So she wants/needs to create a space between you and her on this topic.

Get back to us in another ten years on how she is doing then, and you'll be able to give us a more accurate report on how well you managed to teach her size tolerance.

Regards;

-Ed (who can say these things because his son is only 7 so far....no doubt I'll need to hear this same message in another several years!)


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## BBW Betty

I'd have to agree with Ed on this, having dealt with a few teenagers. I just hope that's what it is, and maybe it's a phase that will pass.

That probably doesn't help with the pain it causes you, Lorna. I wish you the best with it.

Betty


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## Lorna

thanks Ed & Betty for your responses to my post. Yes I kow you are right my daughter is a typical teenager who has issues in her life that she doesnt know how to deal with. I am a nice safe target... it hurts, its not the first time but hey ho it helped just to write it down. onwards and upwards!


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## Jane

Lorna, the teenage years are the reason you can let that "sweet little baby" you gave birth to go out into the world with a smile on your face.

If they stayed that sweet, we'd never let them leave.

It's nature.

Jane mother of a 27 year old, who is pretty darn near a human again.


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## TallFatSue

edx said:


> You know her best, but is it possible that she is just being a teenager? How many grew their hair long or cut it short or got tatoos or wore hippy clothes or skater clothes or preppy clothes or refused to go to church or chose an extreme church or became vegetarians or refused to follow religious food rules or or or! as teenagers? Even those of us who were not huge rebels I'm sure hurt our parents sometimes as we pushed them away.


Gee this is a different perspective: thin daughter sniping at her fat mother. I would agree that she is probably just being a teenager, trying to carve out her own personal space. When I think wayyyy back to my rebellious youth, weight issues helped me gain my own personal space too. For years my mother nagged me about my weight, and I grudgingly accepted it. Finally when I was 14 or 15, I adopted the attitude "Oh yeah? Well maybe I like being fat!" So my fat became a very visible symbol of my independence. She was none too pleased about it, and my attitude probably hurt her, but it was all a part of me growing up. It boosted my self-confidence too. In retrospect, maybe I should have been rebellious about my hair or my clothes instead. They're easy to change, but a few hundred pounds of extra body fat sure is heavy and it's probably here to stay. Oh well, just playing the hand I was dealt.


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## TheSadeianLinguist

Mostly I had an okay relationship with my mom. My dad, however, made some pretty considerable mistakes with me. When I was ten and he noticed I was getting a little chubby, he started making me run. His approach toward it was angry and aggressive. During my early and mid teen years, I was constantly exercising and still worrying about being fat at under a hundred lbs. I would eat from 200 to 400 calories a day. Rather than getting me medical help, he just screamed at me. I thought I was huge, deformed, and hideous, and that's no joke. He and my mom both threatened to force me eat. Then I started training for a marathon and my toenails fell off. I set my foot down and I've never jogged since. 

My relationship concerning my weight and parents isn't a happy one. My dad has told me that I've become a "big fat bitch" and that they don't have any friends save big fat bitches. It's just been an incredibly unhealthy and sad relationship. I know certainly I've hurt him horribly in return though. Still, it's depressing to think about.

My brother has always been very supportive about my weight. He's pointed out good pictures of me at my heaviest. He doesn't express any sort of shame about his fat sister and I don't have to feel self-conscious around him, so I don't think growing up in a fat-phobic family makes you that way inherently.


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## LarryTheShiveringChipmunk

*big hugs to TSL* well we will support you here no matter what too


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## Miss Vickie

TheSadeianLinguist, I'm so sorry about how things went for you with regard to your weight. You're right, your dad did make some huge mistakes; as a parent I know how careful we have to be about the things we say to our kids. Even the most offhand remark can cause damage; I know I live with the damage that my parents well-intentioned friends caused by warning me not to eat too much, or I'd become "just like Charlotte", my mom. I can only imagine what his campaign did for your body image issues -- and at such a crucial time in your life.

I'm so sorry.  Sorry that the verbal abuse continues into adulthood. Calling one's daughter a "big fat bitch" is unacceptable. I don't care what you might have done to hurt him; nothing justifies that behavior. I really hope that someday you two can reach an understanding and that, if you don't, you can have peace about it.

Hugs to you....


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## FitChick

I guess I was lucky...I was always rather antisocial and eager to go against the flow. I was a skinny kid and my mother was perpetually dieting (I think it became a hobby for her)....but I tuned out everything she said because it made me disgusted with her. If anyone turned me off to diets forever, it was her (thanks, Mom...seriously!) In fact when I started getting fat as an adult, I was secretly, perversely delighted: now Mom will be shocked every time she sees me...yay!) I think in some ways my fat was a rebellion agains her and her diet obsession. Strangely, this was one reason why I was upset when I started losing weight....because I knew it would make her happy.

The number one thing I always liked about fat was it enabled me to be a walking middle finger to a society that disgusts me for MANY reasons, not just its fatphobia.


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD

I had it very tough when I began to "blossom"
I was thin till I went away to school,well I found beer and food and began to gain weight.Every semister I'd come home and get an earful of crap from my mom.I"m a happy size 22 these days but it took a few years to finally come to grip with it.When we go shopping I'll go in Lane Bryant or Catherine's and I think she still gets disgusted.Oh well,life isn't perfect!


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## TallFatSue

I don't usually talk to the radio but this morning on the drive to work I kept yelling yes yes yes!  

NPR: Solving the Mystery of Mother-Daughter Speak
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5170927

They said that mothers usually fixate on three main subjects: clothes (you’re not going to wear that, are you?), hair (do you really like your hair that long?) and weight (insert your mother's most annoying fat remark here). We can be having a perfectly wonderful conversation and then out of the blue my mother makes a comment like "Oh. Do you think you should wear that outfit with that belly of yours hanging out?" I know my mother loves me, but she seems to forget that I'm 48, not a little girl, and I don't need to be protected from myself. I try to just let it roll off my back when she makes a critical comment -- she's just being Mom. But every so often she just slips in a zinger without really thinking about what she's saying, and it throws me for a loop. Maybe I need to be more like my father. He deliberately sets up little faux pas for my mother to correct, which makes her so happy to restore calm and order. I guess my method is to deliberately set up a fat remark so she'll say it and get it out of the way.


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## BBW Betty

Sue, thanks for that link. It's almost as if the author/speaker had observed my family from the earliest I can remember. No wonder you were shouting at the radio.

The part that really hit me was the two sisters talking about how they'll feel when their mom passes on. The one really hit the nail on the head.


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## TraciJo67

What an incredible (and illuminating!) experience it has been, reading about the relationships between BBW mothers and their daughters. 

I feel fortunate that my mother did not ever make me feel that I was inadequate because of my weight (or for any other reason, for that matter). The reverse, unfortunately, isn’t also true. I have a sister who is not quite a year younger than I; when we were growing up, we were both horrified by and ashamed of our mother’s size. My mother was also ashamed of her weight, and her self-loathing was quite evident to all of us. My sister & I were obsessive about our weight. If we gained a pound, we’d starve ourselves until we lost two. When we became teens, we started the binge &#8216;n purge cycle to keep our weight in check. I hated vomiting, and quickly lost interest in this method of weight control. My sister, on the other hand, became (and remains) bulimic. 

My mother is an accomplished woman. She went back to school at the age of 45 and earned a nursing certificate (LPN) and then went on to earn a bachelor’s degree and then completed a specialty degree in geriatrics. I can remember competing with her for the best grades; she always won. When she was working, she was greatly respected for her skill. In her professional life, she’s confident and assertive. In her personal life, she’s a mess and always has been. Much as it pains me to admit (because I loved my father dearly), she settled for a relationship that brought her very little joy and a lot of pain. 

I wish that I could rewrite history, or even just convince her today of how truly extraordinary she is. I can see that she dismisses her accomplishments as unimportant, because she never succeeded in the one area that really matters to her. She sees the problem as her weight. The real problem is her non-existent self-esteem. She believed the lies that her father, and later, MY father told her about her weight and about how worthless that made her. My wish for her isn’t entirely benevolent; in fact, it’s mostly selfish. She would have been a better mother to her children, had she cared more about herself.


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## ThickChick72

My mom has always fed me to my fullest. Yet she may complain here and there.


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## Pink

Wow great thread.
My relationship with my mom regarding my weight is one I try to avoid usually but eh good therapy. 
I was told through my teen years how I needed to diet,I was chubby,fat porky whatever by my mom. She has always been a very thin woman even though in the last few years she is more of an average size.
I look back at photo's of myself and can laugh now because I wasn't even overweight then but I "thought" I was at the time. I got told alot how boys don't like to date plump girls and "when I was your age I weighed 98 pounds" by my mom. I had self esteem issues for a while in my early twenties and really thought I was an ugly girl.
I have seen in her face the shock and jealousy (yep I said it) when I brought home my handsome intelligent husband and the horror when she saw me wearing a 2piece bathing suit a few years ago. It's sad that she will never be proud of the way I look but I have come to grips with it. Mainly now I just feel sorry for her that she will never be as happy in her own skin as I am mine.


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## BeaBea

I have SO enjoyed this thread. My thanks go to everyone who has shared their experiences.

My own journey from 140lbs up to 500lbs plus and then back to 400lbs ish has been a long one. As I read down the various posts I wanted to share some of the difficult experiences I've had, particularly concerning my parents and their negative comments about my weight. 

But then, I came to Lornas post and it broke my heart. Lornas bewilderment over her daughters comments, together with her love and attempts to understand really touched me. (Lorna, you sound like a WONDERFUL Mum!) 

My own parents haven't been perfect but I know they've always loved me and wanted the best for me and for that I'm grateful. Reading what Lorna wote reminded me that for every comment my parents made about my weight they probably hard to hear ten nasty, critical comments back from me on any number of subjects. I know I spent most of my teens and twenties completely oblivious to the fact that my Mother was actually a grown woman with dreams, plans, hopes and worries of her own - and I definitely assumed I knew better in every single case. 

So, I wont dwell on my past but just comment on my relationship with my parents as it stands today. I love them both very much and respect them as decent, honest and hardworking people. They still drive me mad at times but now I live a 5 hour drive away from them and I miss them. My (Size 8) Mother is mystified that I can possibly be a model and tries fairly hard to ignore the fact which amuses me no end. Both my parents are interested in my business but were openly incredulous that I sometimes make clothes for women who are bigger than I am. (Can such women exist? Lol!)

I guess at the end of the day I try to remember that my parents are people too and that I wasnt born with an instruction manual. That said I am far from saintly but I guess I can blame that on the fact that I never got an instruction manual on how to handle them either. 

Love to All
Tracey xx 

PS - If anyone has the manual on handling sisters PLEASE can I borrow it?!?


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## Arkveveen

Well, Sue, and everyone else. I can relate to all this. My own mother seems to apparently oppose my passion and massive love of fat as well as big girls. She seems to believe all that nonsense about fat being 100% unhealthy, it's very depressing, but I love my mom. 
She's the best mom in the world to me, but how can she be like this? Saying "I don't want to see you at 400 pounds and worshipping fat." Same with my brother, the most evil person in the world who says "Noone wants to be fat forever", "my real brother would not like fat girls''.
TSK TSK TSK... how typical, ya know? But anyway, I can relate to this, even if I am not a girl(although I am a girly guy). There is nothing worse then my thoughts that my dream BBW would of been easier to find if it were not for all this mothers and daughters on "obesity" thing. 
Sheesh, ingorance, bigotry, and moral disorder seems to be contagious even to beloved mothers.  Yet, in the end, there is no changing such people.


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## Rina

I grew up watching my mom diet. She probably weighed about 220lbs but it seemed like her life wasn't going to start until she lost 50lbs. Our house was full of diet products and books and weight loss charts and reward charts - "when I lose 50lbs I will buy a new wardrobe". Well, she never lost the 50lbs and she never got that wardrobe - nor the cruise, nor the makeover. I started my first diet when I was 12 - Dr.Atkins. I used to pass out because I forgot to eat. My mother never ever insulted me about my weight but it was deeply ingrained that fat was bad. I actually lived with my dad until I was 9 and I was a skinny child. He had grown up a fat kid and after he lost the weight he became determined to make sure we would remain slim. The house was packed with junk food but we weren't allowed to eat it. We had a very strict, healthy diet but I would find myself constantly sneaking cookies or money to buy snack cakes lol - I guess both my parents had serious food issues so it was inevitable. 

When I was 16 I was 5'10 and 250lbs. My dad would constantly say - you will never find a job if you don't lose weight, or, you will never find a husband. He didnt say them to be hurtful, he really believed it. These sort of comments can't help but shape your self esteem. 

Today, 100lbs heavier, I am running a business for plus size women and I suppose my dad feels that I've made lemonade with my lemons. He constantly points out women at the club and says "WOW, she'd be really beautiful if she lost weight" - and I know he has that fat = ugly complex. He's quite a handsome 54 year old and he's about 20lbs overweight - my reply was to say, ya, you'd be quite good looking if you lost 20lbs too. He was shocked and hurt... and I was astounded that he didn't get it... 

I have learnt not to resent him for this flaw - its so deeply ingrained in him that its unintentional. I just do my best not to instill the same feelings in my 3 year old daughter. She is very slim but I let her have treats and candy without reservation - nothing is taboo - I dont comment on her body as though her slimness is beautiful because if she blossoms one day I dont want her to then feel inadequate. What a journey.


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## olivefun

Rina said:


> I guess both my parents had serious food issues so it was inevitable.
> ............
> 
> - I dont comment on her body as though her slimness is beautiful because if she blossoms one day I dont want her to then feel inadequate. What a journey.



rina,
Hate to say it but all kids get the pressure to be thin, whether they are thin or fat. My daughter is 12 and is strong and gorgeous. When talking about her body I emphasise her strength and grace and power.

I don't know they make girls differently. Look at the kids outside of middleschools or any school. There are some pretty skinny girls calling themselves fat-and-ugly.

They think_ fat-and-ugly is one word_ and _fat is the enemy_.

Really, it is a pity to see the self loathing and to see it starting with such young kids. I hate to say it, but this seems to be inevitable.

Having a fat mother makes her really aware. She tells people she doesn't appreciate any fat jokes being told around her.

I wish things were different.


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## MsGreenLantern

As someone still in the mother-daughter thick of things (living at home when not at college) this thread meant a lot to me. My mother was a very trim size 6 most of her life until having children, at which point she moved to more like a 16. 

I myself was the second child, and i have been chunky since around 4th grade. My mother was absolutely insane about making sure I was in all kinds of activities the moment I began to gain weight, and that was fine with me! I wanted to bowl, play softball, gymnastics, tennis lessons, and for a while I was quite the fast runner in elementary. Nobody could call me a lazy child...however, since as early as I can remember she subjected my whole family to a series of diet restrictions basically due to my weight gain. We only got deserts on weekends, only had soda on weekends, practically no snacks...I felt absolutely more embarressed growing up being the only 10 year old on a "diet". When I hit twelve she bought a skii-machine for me to use after school every day. I was horrified. In highschool she pressured me to eat less, to take a million vitamins and herbals...I was mortified by the constant attention on my belly. It destroyed my self esteam more, at a time when I was being made fun of in school already for being fat.

Finally even now I get the same old things from her breaking me down...."You know if you lost a little weight you'd get a boyfriend", "If you cared more about your appearence you'd have a boyfriend" and of course the worst feeling of all...when she doesn't believe I get any interest at all even when I make it quite obvious I've had admirers...

She complains about her 4 pound weight gains, she brags about her 5 pound weight loss. She is proud of her two day a week exercise, though I, the fat one get more exercise then she does. Its scathing to go home and be reminded not only that I am alone, but that my own mother is unaccepting of my size even after these 22 years I've been alive. She supports me when I diet, but never when I just want to be happy as I am, and how I truly believe I was meant to be.


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## TheSadeianLinguist

Something I've HAD to say is, "Don't compliment me on what appears to be a weight loss." It really just makes things harder.


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## FitChick

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Something I've HAD to say is, "Don't compliment me on what appears to be a weight loss." It really just makes things harder.




After I lost weight, ppl would say, "You look great, how did you do it?" And sick bitch that I am, I said, "I have cancer. I lost weight from chemo"...JUST to shut them the hell up. It worked.


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## Anguisette

I can't count the number of times people told me I looked fantastic when I was going through chemo, had radiation poisoning, and since then as I begin to die from Pulmonary Fibrosis. 

Yeah, I look great.

Anyway, back to the topic of mothers and daughters... I wrote an article on it 3 years ago that I found on my archives page:

Article Here

Err... come to think of it... if anyone is really into a wholistic addressing of body image, my archives include everything from size acceptance to tongue bifurcation.

Body Image Column Archives (from Ladybug Flights 2000-2004)


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## LillyBBBW

Illness seems to bring out the worst in people in regards to weight. A friend of mine got all kinds of raves and compliments when she lost weight due to her battle with leukemia. When she went into remission and started to gain the weight back her family was thrilled. People expressed happiness that she had beaten the illness while at the same time their demeanor showed dismay as she began to regain all the weight she had lost. It was a cruel eye opener for her.

I have this unshakable feeling that people are poised about me waiting for something bad to happen. When the doctor reads the results of one of my tests and it comes out normal, he actually sighs and shakes his head in dismay because he doesn't have anything scary enough to send me screaming blind out the door to the next weight watcher's meeting. I get the same tsk tsk of disappointment from my mother saying, "You're healthy now, but you want to make sure you keep it that way." As if I weren't doing that already. 

Because of this I dread getting ill. It's inevitable that I will. I'm nearing 40 so naturally things are gong to start slowing down as they do for everyone as they age. I fear this like nothing else because for a fat person getting ill has been linked synonymously with failure. When it happens you get these pert little nods from everyone around you saying, "See? I told you so." That whole business screws with you enough but to have an illness that causes weight loss - it's enough to convince you that people don't care about YOU at all by the things they say. Any illness that causes you to lose weight has to be a good thing because the loss of the weight makes you so much healthier?



It's a world full of ding bats.


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## FitChick

I remember back when I was 250 (I'd already lost something like 50 lbs), I stubbed my toe and went in to see my doctor because I feared I'd broken it. He wasn't in, and another doctor was, whom I didn't know.

He started in on me about "Well, heavy people tend to HAVE foot problems", etc etc (I STUBBED my freaking TOE, HOW is that weight-related?!). He advised me to lose some weight. I told him I eat right and exercise daily, and if he checked my chart he'd see I lost 50 lbs anyway. He gave me this "yeah, like I'm going to believe YOU eat right and exercise?" look and I wanted to deck him.

I know it sounds horrible, but one of the few things I do like about being thinner now is that when I go to the doctor now for foot related problems (like my plantar fasciitis), they don't bring up the weight as a possible "cause" or "aggravating factor". I remember thinking as I got thinner and older, "Well, at least now if I DO develop age-related diabetes or hypertension, they won't be able to blame it on my weight!" Sad that anyone has to think like that, esp. those who have been enlightened as to size issues.


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## Anguisette

I've walked out of doctors' offices when they started that sh*t on me. I'm MARRIED to a freaking endocrinologist! I think I know the risks.

And all my health issues have been non-weight-related. Ironically, the final medical battle of my life will involve gradual weight loss whether I like it or not. Some perverse part of me wants to have a t-shirt made up that says DON'T WORRY, I'LL DIE THIN.

I would only say to anyone who gets sick of doctors being obnoxious-- DO NOT TAKE IT. Get up off the table, say very succinctly, "treat my illness or don't, but the next word out of your mouth about my weight will result in a complaint to the medical board, AMA, and your name on every fat blog in the northern hemisphere." 

It costs nothing to file a complaint. Even if they dismiss it, the filed complaint note STAYS on their record.


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## FitChick

You're not the only one who's thought of a tee shirt like that (black grin). You might find the Stephen King book, THINNER, interesting (it was made into a movie, too.)


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## TallFatSue

Mothers, Daughters and Obesity seems to be a volatile mix for everyone, but add doctors and bureaucrats to the recipe and it can really cook up trouble. Last month my 73-year-old mother seemed to have a mild stroke, and my father and brother wanted to rush her to the emergency room, but she refused until I personally escorted her. The doctors ran tests but found nothing wrong. She might have had only a panic attack, but to be sure they referred my mother to a specialist. We made an appointment and then were referred to another specialist. The health insurance bureaucrats must have a giant checklist to make us visit one doctor just to make an appointment with another doctor, and so on and so on, until 3 or 4 doctors later something finally gets done. The upshot after the bloodwork and other tests is that my mother may need blood pressure medication the rest of her life. Considering everything, this isn't too bad.

I had to clear my schedule and be with my mother every step of the way because she hears only what she wants to hear. The doctor can give her the clearest explanation in the world, but she hears only "blah blah blah" until I repeat it to her. My mother also veers from denial that anything is wrong, to convincing herself the end is near. She's also the kind of person who stops taking pills as soon as she feels better, so I practically have to administer the rest of her prescription with a blow gun.  

Now I fully appreciate how lucky I am that my personal physician is a verrry fat-friendly woman (possibly a female Fat Admirer?), so I almost look forward to my annual exams. My mother hates doctors, but at least this whole episode finally made her have a complete physical exam. Some doctors I visited with my mother were horrified by how fat I am, and one seemed to hint that *my* obesity was a cause of *her* health problems. Another doctor talked to my belly as much as my face. One waiting room had only tiny chairs with arms, and the receptionist was rude when I asked for a bigger chair without arms. Then my mother astonished me (considering she likes to make veiled criticisms about my weight). She marched right up to that receptionist and said, "You listen here, missy. My daughter might have a big ass but it's a lot better than *being* a big ass. Now you go find her a real chair and be quick about it!" I gave my mother a big hug. "Sue, just because you're as big as a house is no reason for anyone to be rude." Um, gee, Mom, you just had to slip that in, eh? I appreciate the sentiment anyway. 

Tomorrow Art & I are going to visit my parents for lunch, and my mother is now on a health food kick, so heaven knows what she's cooking up. At least now I can finally get my own life back to some semblance of abby-normal too.


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## LillyBBBW

(((Sue)))  Thanks so much for that story! It made me laugh out loud at my desk as it reminds me so much of my mom. I'm feeling very sentimental today. Thank you! *@}~;~~*


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## BigBawdyDame

I've been reading the title of this thead for a week or so now trying to decide how to respond. I've read so many horror stories about mothers that I almost feel guilty. 

My mother, who tops out at 5'1" or so, almost 300 pounds, has always been my biggest supporter. (Literally and figuratively!) I've never felt fat or out of place with her. Even now, with her at 62 and me at 42, we live together and are best friends. We enjoy spending time together and can find many things to talk about. 

She's taught me that being fat is no excuse for not doing what you want to do. She also taught me to take pride in my appearance. Being fat is no excuse for being sloppy. 

Her family on the other hand is another story. My aunt who is only four years older than myself was oh so happy when I lost weight. And yet she smokes, drinks, smokes marijuana, and has been arrest for drunk driving. Yeah, she really has her life together doesn't she? 

My grandfather, her father, has told me my mother never looked better than when she was pregnant and lost weight due to her morning sickness. Hmmm...sick or fat? Which would you perfer?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel so fortunate that I have the mother I have. And I thank God every day I have her with me.


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## HappyFatChick

The whole Mother issue is such a two-edged sword. We're supposed to honor her, but sometimes she makes it HARD!!!

Mine told me I was fat and needed a diet since I was about 10. (I was 10 pounds overweight.) Yet she baked so many treats, who could be thin?

She gained a lot of weight as she aged yet still complains about my weight. (Technically obese, but still very physically active.)

I just try to love her and ignore her hurtful comments.:wubu:


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## swordchick

My mom is a thin woman who loves to diet. But she loves to eat. When my sister and I were kids, she was always trying to put us on diets. It did not work because she could not stand the "diet" food. As an adult, she doesn't say a word about my weight. I would go off on my mom, if she did. Because I know she obviously love big men. She was with my father for years. And that would make her a hypocrite.


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## olivefun

swordchick said:


> My mom is a thin woman who loves to diet................. Because I know she obviously love big men. She was with my father for years. And that would make her a hypocrite.


 
The mother daughter relationship is a very complicated thing. If yours was a hypocrite or acted in a ridiculous way regarding your weight, it would not at all be unusual judging from what I learned from others.


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## freedombigirl

I recently put on about 20 pounds after quitting smoking (my mum never knew I smoked), I have to laugh when I see my mum, I just know she is dying to comment and ask me why I've put weight on but she never really has, she's only commented on me buying lots of new clothes. 

My mum, well, she's always on a diet these days and I can tell she's lost weight, she's never really been big though, probably a size 16-18 max. I'm an 18 now, occasionally a 20 and am bl**dy happy too!


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## MoonGoddess

Mom and Dad have been dead for years, but she still haunts me at times. Mom was a big woman and Dad was a REALLY big guy. He was around 550 pounds, loved to eat and adored ice cold beer and was immensely proud of his belly. Mom was around 250 or so I guess. She wore men's clothes because she was too embarrased to go into the plus size women's department at the store. I was thin most of my childhood, my younger sister was quite heavy. Mom would put her on diets, and rag on her about her weight, but at the same time she did not really enforce any of this. We all ate at the table together, we all ate pretty much the same food. Sis and I were expected to clean our plates. Mom bought me beautiful dresses and paraded me around in front of her friends, my sister was left at home to hang with Dad. 

As I grew, my weight increased. Mom never said a word to me, but kept up the assault on my sister, whose weight remained constant for years. It was as if when she looked at me, she still saw that skinny little girl. 

I have two sons, both who are accepting of all and for whom weight is not an issue. My eldest son's girlfriend is short and plump, a bright and loving girl whom I adore. My youngest son has not set his sights on any one girl yet, but he loves to hang with the larger women on campus...says that the skinny ones that are afraid to eat and obsess about appearances put him right off. I know that if I had a daughter, I would never make size an issue. We are what we are, thin or fat, tall or short. And I refuse to judge anyone by their exterior. I have a much happier and more contented life than my mother did. I often think of her and wish that it could have been otherwise for her.

MoonGoddess


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## MoonGoddess

freedombigirl said:


> I recently put on about 20 pounds after quitting smoking (my mum never knew I smoked), I have to laugh when I see my mum, I just know she is dying to comment and ask me why I've put weight on but she never really has, she's only commented on me buying lots of new clothes.
> 
> My mum, well, she's always on a diet these days and I can tell she's lost weight, she's never really been big though, probably a size 16-18 max. I'm an 18 now, occasionally a 20 and am bl**dy happy too!




You are stunning! I cannot imagine you any other way!


MoonGoddess


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## freedombigirl

MoonGoddess said:


> You are stunning! I cannot imagine you any other way!
> 
> 
> MoonGoddess


Thankyou, you're pretty hot yourself ;-)


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## MoonGoddess

Thanks hon! :kiss2: 

I just got back from my first physical exam in five years. This is a new doctor for me, and when I got on the scale and it registered 213 pounds, I rather expected to get a lecture about my weight. Much to my suprise (and delight) there was not a word. Just compliments on my skin, a sleep aid to help with my insomnia, and appointments for a pelvic ultrasound and mammogram.

How refreshing...a doctor who is fat friendly! Whoda thought... 

MoonGoddess


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## gothique

i have been lucky over the years with my mom. I put on a lot of weight when I was a kid going from an eight to about a 12/14 because I was put on meds that made my gain weight. I then made the mistake of going on depo and went up to 250 I am still around 200lbs but have never heard from my mom anything other then are you sure thats not to tight?( talking about clothes) or she will ask me what I am doing to get in shape. She has always been supportive of me. That however was not how other kids in my life were. When I was a size 12 in highschool I was always being told I was fat by these stick thin girls who could eat all they want and not gain a pound. My sister was like that and she also tormented me with all the cute belly baring clothes she could wear. But as she told me I was to fat to wear. I am just now becoming ok with myself and my size. I am beautifull exactly the way I am and I love being curvy I would rather be curvy and able to wear a kick ass corset and look good in it then be skinny and look way to thin in one.:kiss2:


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## fatgirlflyin

TallFatSue said:


> It's really amazing to see how many of us grew up with mixed messages from our parents like "Clean your plate, but lose the weight." My mother wasn't so unusual after all. If I knew then what I know now ...
> 
> Sue



I've been reading the posts in this thread and I must say that they have me feeling extremely grateful for having the parents that I did. Never once was I put down for my weight and I've always been a big girl. My parents loved, accepted, and approved of me just the way I was and still am.


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## ChubbyBlackSista

This is really true.. Daughters can inherit their mother's Obesity problems same as I inherited my mom's Female Problems But I read in my Nutition Book tha you are Obese but you can prevent ths... What you feed your child is what is makingthem fat andyou just let them get this way. Like my Mom told me that we're going on a diet and we can't eat sweets or drink regular pop and I told her Diet Pop is bad fo you also but she said it does not have sugar in it and then I told her that you should take the cookies out of the house too and my Dad the big Instigator will second that motion... Well Don't teach your Children to gorge theirselves because it can lead to major health problem later


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## jimj

How funny.My wifes mom and sister have always been very heavy,while my wife had always been thin.Her mom and her sister were always very close while my wife always felt left out.I don't know if was because they were both heavy or that they were both similar.They are both smokers,drinkers and very outgoing and loud.Eventually as my shy thin wife became a BBW she became much closer to her mom and sister.Maybe because she became more like them.She smokes, is very outgoing and outweighs both of them now.Or maybe because she is heavier and happier.


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## JoyJoy

My daughter and I have a great relationship in this area. She has inherited my family's build, and my love of food, so she's not skinny by any means. I once worried that this would wreak havoc on her like it did me at her age, but thankfully she seems to take it in stride and not be bothered by it. The only time (that I know of) that she catches flak is when she's around her dad and his wife...they often say things such as "You don't want to look like your mom, do you?" To which she tells me her most recent response was "That wouldn't be such a horrible thing."  

I also worried at one point, with all of my kids, that they would be embarrassed by me at some point. Thankfully, none of them have expressed that sort of thing...in fact, my daughter has told me that she thinks of me as a "fit fat woman" and loves that I don't wear mu-mus and such...she's proud to be seen with me. She has even told me one of her friends is jealous of my backside. Who would have ever thought a 17 year old model (her friend, who is absolutely gorgeous) would be jealous of me??!

We joke around with each other quite a bit, and one of our favorites is exchanging mock insults that we make up on the fly. The other day, we were doing this: Me: "Your shoes are geeky"...Her: "You smell like a squirrel fart"...Me: "Your hair looks like spaghetti" ...Her: "You're fat!"....Me: "You have such a keen grasp of the obvious!" We got a great giggle out of it. Now she says it all the time, as a term of endearment, always with a giggle in her voice. 

I know that it's inevitable that she will always deal with some measure of discontent with her physical appearance , but I'm very grateful that she has thus far avoided the deep discontent that often comes in the teen years.


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## TheSadeianLinguist

My SIL is absolutely great with her daughter, who seems to have her daddy's chunky genes. At 6 months, she's 22 lbs. My SIL does not restrict food and lets her breastfeed when she's hungry and gives her babyfood twice a day. (She's eating cereal, meat, and fruit, eagerly.) She definately does not stuff her child with junk. (She gives her water several times a day in a sippy, and when she does give her juice, she waters it down a bit.) Sure, she's given her kid tastes of sweets, but a bite or two. We've talked, and she never intends to "ban" foods in the house. If Hayden ends up fat, she ends up fat, but she'll be an active little bug who is fed primarily healthy meals, gets to play a lot, and is not constantly controlled. I think my SIL's an IDEAL mom.


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## Echoes

I've been putting off posting in this thread, but I'm bored and awake, so I might as well. 

Growing up, my mother never sought to limit my eating or chastise me about my weight in any way. However, we lived next door to my grandmother who insisted I constantly be on a diet. I later moved in with her and lived there for about five years. I started dieting when I was 7 or 8. By the time I was 12, I could tell you the caloric content of any food you put in front of me. I remember going to Vacation Bible School and refusing the cookies during snack time because I "wasn't allowed." 

She had me on weight watchers and other fad diets, bought me a treadmill, made me wear ugly elastic waist jeans with no pockets and claimed it was the only kind that came in such a large size, sent me to a dietician, had me put on prescription weight loss drugs and even made plans to drive to Arkansas to obtain phen-fen after they banned or restricted it in our state (the details are a bit fuzzy). She did, however, draw the line when one of the doctors suggested putting me on a liquid diet for awhile. That was after nothing else seemed to work and they were at a loss. 

She made tons of those snide masked with concern comments like, "If you'd just lose weight, you'd be so pretty." "You could have any boy you like if you weren't so big." "Your grandfather had a heart attack because he was so big, you don't want that, do you?" "How would you like to have to stick yourself with a needle every morning? Well, you will if you don't lose that weight." Rinse and repeat. 

Once I got older and went off to college, the remarks pretty much ceased, which was fine by me. My mother was quite a heavy woman from her mid 20's on. At one time I believe she weighed around 360 lbs. She started taking some medication and over the course of three years she has lost about 150 pounds or so and is now in a size 14, but could be in a smaller size if she could get rid of the excess skin caused by the weightloss. 

So now, the heat is on, so to speak. I've been staying with my grandmother lately and she watches everything I put in my mouth and feels the need to tell me the caloric content, fat content, and so forth. Then she goes on to tell me what I could and should be eating in place of it. If I even step into the kitchen to throw away trash, she'll ask if I'm about to eat again (nevermind I usually only eat the normal three times a day with maybe a snack and I don't overeat for the most part  ). Right now they're doing some repair and building on to the house, so her bed has been moved out into the living room for the time being. I kid you not, one night I was having a late dinner and she heard me in the kitchen and woke up just to roll over and ask, "Are you eating again?!," then went back to sleep. It was my second and last meal of the day. If I do get a snack like sugar free pudding or something, she feels the need to tell me that's a good choice and that it won't "hurt me." 

Her comments have graduated to downright mean. "If you keep getting fatter, you won't be able to fit in your car. You remember old Johnny Wayne got so big he had to buy a limo and hire somebody to drive him where he needed to go." We had dinner at the casino the other night and our waitress was pretty fat, I'd say around 275. We got ready to go and my grandmother leaned over and told me to make sure and leave a tip because she probably doesn't get very many tips because she's fat and not pretty enough to get tips. She talks nonstop about weightloss. I mean nonstop. I was up at six one morning and she got up and started reading me an article about weight loss she found in a magazine. It's insane. And did I mention she's only about four sizes smaller than I am? She recently went on a diet and weighs like three times a day. She told me to weigh on the scale and then said, "Oh, but I think it only goes up to X amount, so nevermind." 

*exhale*

My dad, on the other hand, has never once chastised me about my weight and has said it doesn't bother him in the least.


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## TallFatSue

Echoes said:


> And did I mention she's only about four sizes smaller than I am? She recently went on a diet and weighs like three times a day.


Ah, mothers and grandmothers. I'd wager your grandmother has other issues, such as her dissatisfaction with her own weight, and her need to be in control. She's probably assumed the role of "fat-sheriff of the world" in a misguided attempt to feel better about herself. And she'll probably continue to hound you about how fat you (and the rest of the world) are, unless you tell her in no uncertain terms that the subject of your weight is off-limits. You'd risk a momentary explosion, but that's probably better in the long run than years of smoldering.

My situation was reversed: both of my grandmothers spoiled me rotten -- not that there's anything wrong with that!  One was French, the other German, and both were probably world-class bakers, to judge from all the Old World goodies they always stuffed me with. My mother was no slouch as a baker herself, and she got caught up in the competition to spoil me the most. Finally she began to play some trump cards. First it was, "Don't eat everything your grandmothers bake for you or you'll get sick" (yeah but it was a GOOD kind of sick :eat2: ), but that quickly gave way to "Your grandmothers are just making you fat" (and that's a problem how?). So my grandmothers completely accepted me as I was ("She's a growing girl!"), whereas my mother became the Queen of Mixed Messages ("clean your plate, I worked so hard to prepare your meals," but five minutes later, "no wonder you're so fat.")

At first my mother's comments hurt, but eventually I was on to her little control game. The more she nagged me about about my weight, the more I viewed my fat as a symbol of my independence. Ah, my rebellious youth. In junior high I was the big tall fat girl who was ashamed of herself and just wanted to hide, but in high school I transformed myself into the stereotypical big tall fat girl who made everyone laugh, so I was reasonably popular. She still pushed my buttons, but she had less and less effect, or sometimes I pushed back. Mom: "You're not gonna wear those clothes, are you? Not with that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see." Sue: "Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should wear that other outfit and show off my big fat ass instead." My father had to run for cover when my mother spat her coffee clear across the room!

Throughout it all, my father has always been very supportive of me. 'Twas he who clued me into my mother's control games. "Don't worry about your mother. She loves you but she always has to fuss over something to feel in control. That's why I intentionally make a sloppy knot with my necktie, so your mother can fix it and bring peace and tranquility to her little world." That was a real eye opener for a big tall fat high school girl like me. Mom's comments about my weight weren't about *me*, they were really all about *her*. Right then and there, I decided that this belly of mine was just fine hanging out for all the world to see. I adopted a friendly über-positive attitude, and life has been pretty darn good ever since. If Mom wanted to fixate on how fat I was (and am) and overlook some of my real faults, then it was fine with me.



Echoes said:


> "If you'd just lose weight, you'd be so pretty." "You could have any boy you like if you weren't so big."


Yep, my mother deluged me with those statements too. My life did not center around finding an ideal boyfriend, but the most wonderful man in the world practically fell into my lap: our 24th anniversary was last month. My mother was hilarious, because she didn't know whether to be happy with such a great prospective son-in-law, or upset to be just plain wrong in her dire declarations that I was wayyyy too fat for romance. Mom: "What if Art decides you're too fat for him?" Sue: "I don't know, Mom. Why don't you ask him?" (then ducking for cover as Mom spat her coffee clear across the room).

Well, between our 24th anniversary last month and my 49th birthday next Wednesday, my mother has been an almost fanatical baker. Art & I have so many cakes, cookies, pies etc. around the house that I've probably gained 50lb just breathing the aromas. Mom dropped off another pie last night. She doesn't constantly harp about my weight, but I can always expect a comment about "that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see."


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## LillyBBBW

Aren't Grandma's great? I remember my grandma was famous for her coconut custard pie. I spent a week at her place and ate so much pie and Welch's grape soda pop that I made myself sick. To this day I won't eat or drink either. No limits at Madea's house. (or muddyear as we used to call her)

More tales of my feeder Mother. She gives me hell about my weight a few times a year. She worries about my health and mobility yet every time I come over to her house she tries to feed me full of crap. I was over there one day and I confronted her about it, jokingly of course. After I'd turned down her fifth food offering I said, "You're always busting my chops about my food but then you get pissed off when I won't eat any of your stuff." She laughed about it and said, "It's because you're only on a diet when you come over here." The truth is, I never eat any of that stuff. She seems to think that I spend my days rolling around in chocolate pudding until I get to her house. Then suddenly I don't eat sugary snacks.


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## Echoes

TallFatSue said:


> Ah, mothers and grandmothers. I'd wager your grandmother has other issues, such as her dissatisfaction with her own weight, and her need to be in control. She's probably assumed the role of "fat-sheriff of the world" in a misguided attempt to feel better about herself. And she'll probably continue to hound you about how fat you (and the rest of the world) are, unless you tell her in no uncertain terms that the subject of your weight is off-limits. You'd risk a momentary explosion, but that's probably better in the long run than years of smoldering.



You pretty much nailed it. Although, I _have_ told her the subject of weight is off limits, she just refuses to let it go. It's like talking to a brick wall. She believes that she is right and that's that. Anything she feels is what others must feel. If she hates her fat, then obviously everyone else does too. She's the type person that would argue with a fence post. If you say the sky is blue, she'll say it's red. She also never admits she's wrong about anything and will almost never agree with you. I say almost never because she has agreed with me on three things in my entire life. She prefaced those by saying, "I hate to admit it, but..." She's extremely passive aggressive and engages her prey until they get so worked up they explode and then she cries and plays the victim. My aunts have said she has been like that as far back as they can remember and it doesn't look like she's going to change anytime soon. That's why I let it go in one ear and out the other. The way I look at it is that I have control over how I feel and I choose not to let her get to me. I'm not necessarily bothered by it, I'm more incredulous, if anything. It took a lot of years to figure out.


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## TallFatSue

LillyBBBW said:


> I was over there one day and I confronted her about it, jokingly of course. After I'd turned down her fifth food offering I said, "You're always busting my chops about my food but then you get pissed off when I won't eat any of your stuff." She laughed about it and said, "It's because you're only on a diet when you come over here."


My mother used to say that too, so, wise ass that I am, finally with a great big grin I asked her what I had for lunch the day before. "What do you mean?" "Well, if you're so sure I eat all sorts of stuff when I'm not here, obviously you follow me around with a little notebook all the time. What did I eat all day yesterday?" 



Echoes said:


> She's extremely passive aggressive and engages her prey until they get so worked up they explode and then she cries and plays the victim.


Oh do I ever know that type! We had major passive aggressive guy in our office until I got rid of him last year without technically firing him. He loved to push people's buttons, watch them fight and then claim he was the aggrieved party. Well, at a final-quarter meeting last year he started up again until I asked him to back up his assertions. He got all huffy, announced that he quit and then left the building. I adjourned the meeting, spoke to personnel and our attorney, and who deemed his impromptu resignation was legal, so we accepted it on the spot. The next day he was astounded when personnel told him to clean out his desk.

Getting back to my mother, she just plain nagged me about my weight until I found a geographical solution. After Art & I were married and bought a house, my mother asked why I didn't visit her very much. "Well, I never felt that my fat was particularly welcome, and I can't exactly leave it out in the car when I come over." It soon dawned on her that if she wanted to keep seeing me after I moved out, she'd better tone down the anti-fat comments.


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## Rainahblue

:doh: Reading these posts makes me cringe!

I remember my dad's favorite phrase when I was growing up, "Do you really need that?" Referring to a second helping of anything, any sweet, or a random snack. Gee, I wondered where my secret eating as a teen came from... 

My parents were never really rude or cruel about my weight, at least not according to _their _standards. Every look, rolled eye, "helpful" suggestion, or lame comment drove me back to the fridge and widened the gap between the one fat kid and her thin parents. 

Rain​


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## Esme

I *so* want to post to this thread, but every time I try to... all the thoughts get tangled up. It's a very charged issue for me. I remember being a small girl, about six or so, and being dragged to Weight Watcher's with my mother. I remember her struggling with her weight my whole life, and thus... I was forced to struggle with mine even when it wasn't a problem at the time. I also remember that food was how we showed love as a family. It was kind of like, "You did well, and I love you... eat this... but don't get fat!" There was always praise for cleaning your plate as well as losing weight. It was an odd dichotomy.

It also somehow got to be a competitive issue for mom and me. I don't think she even knows she does it, but any time I say "Hey, I lost ten pounds" or "I think I need a smaller size in that" or "I'm really trying to watch what I eat and exercise more" she had some way to one-up me. I swear she doesn't know she does it, and she would deny it if I pointed it out to her. It's there all the same.

At some point in my 30s, I had a brainstorm and stopped letting "weight" be a topic between us. If she brings something up, I listen and give her whatever response she seems to be looking for, and then I drop it. I don't tell her what I'm doing about my weight, if anything. I don't tell her what sizes I wear or if I'm exercising. I've made my diet/weight/exercise something just for me. That was incredibly freeing. I've become happy with who I am and how I take care of myself. The nice thing about it is, I've done it for_ me_, and no one else. 

It's been a long road, and I know I'm not at the end of it yet, but at least now the trip is much nicer... I'm satisfied with me, and I think it shows. 








Dad and my weight is a whole 'nother issue.


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## TallFatSue

Esme said:


> It also somehow got to be a competitive issue for mom and me. I don't think she even knows she does it, but any time I say "Hey, I lost ten pounds" or "I think I need a smaller size in that" or "I'm really trying to watch what I eat and exercise more" she had some way to one-up me. I swear she doesn't know she does it, and she would deny it if I pointed it out to her. It's there all the same.


I *so* wish resources like this had been around 3 or 4 decades ago when I was a girl. Now I can see that my weight wasn't really the main issue between my mother and me, it was the *control*. My mother always had to stay one step ahead of the "competition." At first it was my grandmothers who spoiled me with so many baked goodies, and my mother kept telling me not to eat everything because I'd get sick. Now I see that maybe she was afraid I'd love my grandmothers more than her. Then it became that no matter what I did, it wasn't quite right for my mother. Oh we love each other to pieces, and she denies that she's always nit-picking, but it's there all the same. "Clean your plate but lose the weight." Yep, I've heard that over and over. And if it isn't my weight, it's something like "Do you really like your hair that way?" or "Do you really like those shorts?" which of course implies that she doesn't like it. Heaven forbid I criticize something about her.  

My father on the other hand has always been totally cool about my weight. As long as I'm happy, healthy and stay out of jail, my father loves me just as I am. To be honest I'm still amazed because not only am I much taller than my mother, I'm half a head taller than my father and my brother too. It is totally weird to grow up as a girl who is taller than both of the men in the house, and at least double their weight. I know I'm not adopted, so somebody must have put rocket fuel in my baby formula. :eat2: If anyone "should" be annoyed by my size, it would be my father and brother. But no, they're totally fine with it. Okay, sometimes it annoys my brother that I'm taller ("Hi, little brother!"  ), but I'm still "Daddy's little girl." 

I think my weight became something very visible than my mother could use as leverage to be competitive with me, and I began to regard my fat as a symbol of my independence.

Oh well, better late than never. Now I understand my mother's motives much better, and family reunions are a lot more comfortable for me. I love my mother and we do have a good time together, but I've learned that selective deafness can be a good thing when she tries to needle me about my weight or whatever _critique du jour._


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## TallFatSue

TallFatSue said:


> I think my weight became something very visible than my mother could use as leverage to be competitive with me, and I began to regard my fat as a symbol of my independence.


Oh gee, I'm just reminded of something my husband said. One time years ago when I told him that the more my mother nagged me about my weight, the more stubborn I became about it, until my fat became an immovable object. Art said, "So that explains why I fell in love with you. You were an irresistible force too."

Tonight I think I'll sneak up on my hubby and give him a great big enveloping hug for no reason whatsoever. :smitten:


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## Esme

TallFatSue said:


> Tonight I think I'll sneak up on my hubby and give him a great big enveloping hug for no reason whatsoever. :smitten:



Sounds to me like you've got the best reason of all... he's a great guy


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## jooliebug

My mother loved me very much and always told me I was beautiful but I could tell she was ashamed of my weight because she was always trying to get me to go on one diet or another. yet she was always sure all of my guy buddies where in love with me because"how could they not love you you have the face of an angel" gee not to mention the body of a 5'10" cherub right Mom? so I guess mixed messages are what most of us got from our mothers. I guess at the time it kind of hurt that I knew mom was not happy with my weight but looking back I realize Mom only wanted what she thought was best for me.


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## truth38

Like the other women on this thread i really did not know how to comment on mothers and daughters because in my life it was not only my mother but her mother, my mother's sisters, cousins, etc.

My mother first took me to the doctor when I was 7. I was already chubby but when my father died a few months earlier I seemed to eat more sweets than normal. I was put on a soup, sherbert, and fruit diet. I became weak, tired, and very cranky. I did not lose weight so my mother took me off the diet. Since we were poor due to my fathers death there was not a lot of food in the house, but my grandmother would bring over loads of food for us to eat for the week. Mostly bread, potatoes, beans, and rice. She would make us clean our plates and if we did not it was usually followed with a switch or shoe hitting.My brother was chubby and my sister, well, the skinny angel. Since I feared the beatings, we ate everything, even when I was full.

When the teasing started at school, you know being called fat, stinky, ugly, etc I would tell my mom and grandmother, instead of helping I was usually told if I would stop being a "garbage disposal" I would not get teased or that I should be happy that "I am blessed being fat".

School shopping was horrible because my mother was angry that she had to use the bulk of her check to buy my clothing because it was more expensive than my sisters. After a while she stopped buying me new clothing and just go to thrift stores to by my clothing. 

Her sisters would buy me sweets for rewards then talk about how I was huge, unattractive, and sloppy looking. My cousins would make Thanksgiving horrible for me by placing the entire turkey in front of me and saying "Just leave us a bit ok?" This may have been funny to an adult but to a 12 year old it totally destroys the self-esteem.

As a teenager my mother bought me all types of over the counter pills, diet foods, etc. It worked for a while especially since I would stop eating some days and only drink diet drinks. She really did not belive in exercise, just that I was fat and I should accept the fate of being "this way" as she would say.

This is one of the reasons why i tell my sister to stop calling her daughter "fat girl". She says she does not mean it that way and that he daughter is not fat. I tell her that you may not think so, but what about what she thinks.

I do not know if mother's really know that their words are like daggers to their daughters or if they feel this is a way to show a "different kind of love".


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## *Ai

Sorry that I'm so late in posting here, I just found this website article. The article wasn't positive in the least, but a friend of mine told me I'd find it 'really funny!' Which I didn't. At all. Regardless, I figured that it would be acceptable to just start posting and all, and this thread, after reading through it, was something I could connect and have a lot, lot, of experience with.

I wouldn't usually consider myself big girl, being at 5'1" and wearing a size 12, but even still, I have no problem with big people and probably love them more than I do skinny folks - the skinny people I've encountered are so full of intolerance, it almost makes me cry. My mother is one of those people. I've read the horror stories of mothers who forced dieting since their child was ten, and thankfully I was not subjected to that. However, my mother was always pushing the "you could do to lose a few pounds, blah blah blah, you're so pretty but you would be even better, blah blah blah" rant on me. I guess I should've expected that, she's a former areobics instructor and weight lifter, and even in her older years she works out and trains and all of that. I've tried many times to find a way to communicate that looking emaciated doesn't do it for me, but whenever I try to go onto the topic she tries to change the subject or end it before it began with, "If you're overweight, your body is malfunctioning. The doctors agree with me."

Now, my mother isn't a petite woman either. She's two inches taller than me and wears a 14, and our body types are, for the most part, identical. I've listened to the recounts of the children who've picked on, and how she's glad to hear I didn't have the same experiences (in school I became the "smartass goth kid," and I muse that people tolerated me for me for that.) I remember her favorite compliment to me as well, "When I was a kid I had a shape like a barrel, though. You have such a womanly figure!" I wouldn't necessarily call it backhanded, but something about her having to point out that I was different than the other little girls bothered me.

As I got older the nice compliments stopped coming, as if the safety net trying to foster high self-esteem needed to be removed. 'Fat' has become her favorite pejorative these days, and anything that makes her angry is 'a fat fucking <insert other insult here>' I just wished my former excersize-bunny of a mother would realize how much comments like those tick me off. My good self esteem has been completely drained since being a teenager- from the thousands of media images, to my boyfriend describe his ideal girl to me (..an anorexic eight year old, but delving will be saved for another time), and even reading the fat-phobic message boards and about 'hogging.' I know my mother has good intentions when she tells me to go outside for a walk, or suggests a liquid dinner to me if I've eaten a large meal earlier in the day, but I just can't take it. I want her to to be happy with me for what I am now and not what she wants to mold me into being.

And, that's the end of my train-of-thought rant. Ugh.. kind of disjointed and hard to read. Sorry folks!

Also, I am still a teenager and I do have to live with my mother. I've read through the TOS and it didn't say that site was reserved for 18+, but I'm still not so sure. If it is, please tell me, and I will delete my account and all of that. The last thing I would want to do is get you all in trouble. ^_^;


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## Tina

Thank you, Ai. Best to you in life, and we will see you back when you are 18.


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## CuteyChubb

I hesitated to read this post b/c I thought it would bring up all those memories about dear old mom. As she is deceased, I like to focus on all the good things about her rather than the bad. 

I have 3 daughters, 15y, 4y and 6 mos. My 15 yr old began to put on weight around 8 yrs old. I made a conscience decsision to never ever comment on her weight gain. A couple of times I even argued w/my sister who said maybe I should put her on a diet. I wanted to be the exact opposite of my mother. 

Last year, my daughter read my Atkins book and decided to try it. She lost 15lbs. She quit the diet but continued to eat healthier and started to exercise. Now she has lost 42lbs. 

The problem: She is obsessed with weight loss. It's what she talks about, thinks about, dreams about. She has looked at old photos and said "Mom, why didn't you tell me how fat I was??" She never seems satisfied at how much she has lost, just how much she still has to lose. I have told her about how I have begun to accept myself more as a result of the community I have found here. She ridicules it and says I'm just giving up. 

It is really frustrating. It just feels like, damned if you do and if you don't. I just want her to be happy. I love her no matter her size.


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## missaf

Rhonda said:


> It is really frustrating. It just feels like, damned if you do and if you don't. I just want her to be happy. I love her no matter her size.



I think, in the end, that she'll realize how much you care for her just as she is.


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## olivefun

Rhonda said:


> She has looked at old photos and said "Mom, why didn't you tell me how fat I was??" She never seems satisfied at how much she has lost, just how much she still has to lose. I have told her about how I have begun to accept myself more as a result of the community I have found here. She ridicules it and says I'm just giving up.


 
My daughter says this kind of thing sometimes. I tell her that when I saw her then, I only saw a beauty, just as I see a strong and vital person now. There are fat people of all sorts. The garden would be uninteresting if there were only one shape of flowers. The variety is wondrous. 

My daughter rolls her eyes at this kind of reply, but she hears it.


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## JoyJoy

olivefun said:


> My daughter says this kind of thing sometimes. I tell her that when I saw her then, I only saw a beauty, just as I see a strong and vital person now. There are fat people of all sorts. The garden would be uninteresting if there were only one shape of flowers. The variety is wondrous.
> 
> My daughter rolls her eyes at this kind of reply, but she hears it.


 
I said something along these lines (something meant to make her think) to my daughter the other day, to which she had a similar reaction. Her reaction annoyed me at the time, but then I realized that the things that my mom said that annoyed me most at the time she said them are the thoughts I still carry with me to this day. Gives me hope that it's being retained somewhere in that thick head of hers. :wubu: (note: she's absolutely nothing like her mother, in that regard.  )


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## olivefun

JoyJoy said:


> :wubu: (note: she's absolutely nothing like her mother, in that regard.  )



Ha!
did you really say that??
haha that really did make me laugh out loud.

Joy, that is funny.

(If only)

My daughter really does think I don't appreciate her and only sees the things she does poorly. I remember having the same complaint about my mother.
Round and round...


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## tellmekudos

My mother is a big woman, always been stocky even at her slimmest, but she's never wanted us to be slimmer than she was. Ever. Her portion sizes are enormous and she did encourage eating for comfort as it was what she did. However I did the teenager thing and slimmed down to a 12, she went ballistic, was convinced I had an eating disorder and then proceeded to ensure I would get back to the respectable size of 16+. Her mother was the same, and her mother, it seems to of been passed down this ... I don't know, need to feed, be loved by what they feed, and ensure their daughters never, ever become slimmer than they once were. 

Whilst I don't mind my size I do mind my mother being so adamant I remain at the size she dictates, that any fluctuation is a sign of an eating disorder which can only be remedied by eating in front of her. In a way it does have an adverse effect as I start to think does she do this for the same reason she, in her own words, "finds the biggest ladies possible and sits between them", to make herself feel slimmer. Which does wonders for your confidence xD


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## Reenaye Starr

And she is a hotty and a half, I would say it's where I got my striking good looks  , but the truth is, I look more like dear old dad! My mom is very supportive of me and what I do... On occasion she has worried about my health, but as long as I am healthy and happy, she is wonderfully happy... And inspite of the fact that I always tell her she could stand to gain a few pounds (which she finally has in her late 40's), we appreciate one another, differences and all...


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## CitizenKabuto

This threads title sounds like a bad Lifetime movie, speaking of which that gives me an Idea


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## TallFatSue

CitizenKabuto said:


> This threads title sounds like a bad Lifetime movie, speaking of which that gives me an Idea


The story of my life would make a great screwball comedy, but Hollywood probably find it too far-fetched and they'd need to "fix up" the tale. Well, I suppose truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. 

This reminds me of another interesting complication in my mother's already complex attitude toward my fat. When I was a girl, my mother constantly harped my weight (Mom: "That dress would look nice if your butt weren't so big.") Now that I'm 49 and she's 74, she still slips in a few zingers sometimes. (Mom: "Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?") :doh: 

The complication is that it's A-OK for my mother to nag about my weight, but woe be to anyone else who says I'm too fat! More than once I've heard her say something like "Just never you mind. You should be so lucky to have a daughter like her." Last night I stopped over at my parents' house. Some of my mother's friends were over, and I ate some blueberry pie with them. Afterward as I talked to my father in the next room, one of her friends said something like "Goodness, has Sue always been that fat? She shouldn't be eating that pie." Without missing a beat, my mother changed the subject: "Sue & Art just had their 24th anniversary. How come your daughter can't hold on to a husband for more than 5 years?"  

Gee, parents are fun. As far as my father is concerned, I'm still "Daddy's little girl" which is funny because I'm half a head taller than him and nearly triple his weight. My mother has a heart of gold, but she just has to ferret out flaws in her children. My brother is always under scrutiny too, but he's average sized so my mother finds other things to bug him about. Well, I'll count my blessings -- at least my mother didn't tie a bib on me when she served that piece of pie in front of her friends, nor did she wipe my face afterward, but I wouldn't put it past her. 

My father shows almost unconditional love for my brother and me, as long as we're happy and healthy and stay out of jail. He just beams when he introduces us to people (Dad: "And this lovely lady is my daughter Sue.").


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## DebbieBBW

I grew up with a fat mom, and back then she seemed HUGE to me. In reality she has never even been as fat as I am now. Her top weight was around 310and her size was 22/24. She is currently around 260 and a size 16-18, I'm 370 and size 28.

I remember people always asking her if she was pregnant when I was a kid. She was one of the few fat people I knew, other than a few of her siblings. My dad and his ENTIRE family are fit, slim people. For alot of my life I remember thinking to myself that I would rather die than ever be her size. How ironic that I ended up even bigger...lol.

She always held her head high and never really seemed to let her size bother her. Today I'm not so sure about that. Looking back I think that her size held her back alot and had a huge negative impact on her self esteem, which in turn had a huge effect on her parenting skills, choice of husband, etc. 

So needless to say she has never given me a hard time about my size. These days she does make an effort to take better care of herself, hence her weight loss. She does talk to me about nutrition but only out of concern for me, never in a ridiculing sorta of way. I'm very proud of the changes she has made and it does inspire me to take better care of myself. I only wish that in her life she had (or will be) at some point the kinda fat girl that I am. I mean I know that my size does hold me back some but never even close to the level that it has her. In a way I'm kinda happy that of her four kids I'm the fat one...lol..because I'm the most outspoken and outgoing of all of us and I really do think that my attitude helps her feel better about herself.


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## TallFatSue

Well I didn't exactly need a book to tell me this, but to judge from other women's experiences my childhood wasn't too bad after all. 

*NBC Today: Mothers can damage daughters' body image*
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14448565/


> In her new book "Do I Look Fat in This?" Jessica Weiner says moms who fixate on dieting can influence their daughters' behavior.
> 
> _There's no denying that mothers and daughters have always shared a special bond with each other. Mothers have a powerful influence on their daughters that can be positive  or, sometimes, negative. Recent studies indicate that mothers who fixate on diet and body image can have a damaging influence on their daughters. Jessica Weiner, author of "Do I Look Fat in This?" was invited on "Today" to discuss this aspect of mother-daughter relationships. Read an excerpt and take a quiz._


The quiz in this article was pretty skewed in my case, because my father was always very accepting of me ("I've missed you so much!") but substitute the word "mother" and it was a different story ("Wow, you look like you've put on some weight."). I would also choose more than one response on some questions because my mother was the Queen of Mixed Messages -- if I eyed a piece of dessert, she said "Go ahead, honey, enjoy it!" and then 5 minutes later, "God, you have no control!" At least my mother has changed from talking about my weight "Always  is there ever a time she doesn't mention it?" to only "Once or twice" in a conversation nowadays, and it took me only 2 or 3 decades to train her. 

And yes I do go right ahead and eat that dessert. Go ahead, Mom, do your worst, I can take it -- but keep on baking all those goodies for me. :eat2:


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## Green Eyed Fairy

You know Sue, I totally understood your opening posts about the mixed messages and how mothers can make you feel inferior about yourself. However, when I think back I tend to place more of that on my father's doorstep. He constantly harped on my weight- never missing an opportunity to put me down for it. Then would fill his home with junk food and insist I eat it when I visited him. 
Just felt like saying that Moms shouldnt be the only ones taking the bad rap- I also not only place some of the "blame" on my father but also on society in general. Look at magazines filled with ultra thin women held up as "perfect" and how heavier people are discriminated against by the general public (im willing to bet most of the heavier people here now what I mean). I have lost as much as 80 pounds at a time before and the thing that bothered me most was knowing that I was the exact same person yet some people suddenly saw me as so much "better" simply because I weighed less. I tend to think that people like me and some others here are perhaps "stronger willed" in some ways than our thinner counter parts. We dare to walk around with our extra weight in a society that hates us and tells us we are nothing. We understand the value of other people- it's on the inside and has nothing to do with how we look.


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## TheSadeianLinguist

So my mother pulls out one of the few pictures I didn't destroy of myself from my particularly terrible teen years. Has Dad scan it, frames it. I know I weighed in the 80s or 90s when it was taken. It's a fascinating picture, but very triggering for me. And the strangest part is how differently people react to it. My parents noted how much better my hair was then, and how I was in better shape. Mom even points out I was never bony-emaciated. Nothing dangerously sharp, you know. 

There's a quote, and I can't remember where it's from, but it says, "We turn skeletons into goddesses, and look to them as though they might teach us how not to need." And I think that's very true, and what makes recovery so hard and makes it so hard for a mother to be supportive. It's not that my mother wanted me to die of anorexia, but I think if I could weigh 90 lbs. again and be free of health problems, she'd be totally gung ho on it. 

When I gained to almost 160, she couldn't understand why I couldn't just "exercise the control" I "used to have, just a little bit." She was convinced I was overeating. The anger I felt toward her when I was starving just turned to pure irritation that the woman had no clue who I was. 

Now she's getting worried again as I've dipped to below 120, about where I was when my eating disorder just went full blast on my life. I was so unhappy to be a size three, and she was chiding me that I couldn't fit into a two! She still just can't resist telling people I can pull my size five jeans off without unbuttoning them. I just chalk it up us being very different people, and am trying to live with it.


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## Green Eyed Fairy

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> When I gained to almost 160, she couldn't understand why I couldn't just "exercise the control" I "used to have, just a little bit." She was convinced I was overeating. *The anger I felt toward her when I was starving just turned to pure irritation that the woman had no clue who I was. *




I feel the same about my mother- it hurts because it's as if they dont care to look at you - and see you for who you are and love that person 
I know she doesnt mean it this way but there is a gap that will never be filled. Im learning to accept this and instead concentrate on the positives in our relationship- that seems to be the best way to approach most things in life

Try to let the bad feelings you have about the relationship with your mom go ,Llinguist- that was one of the most important messages I got out of my therapy, Let It Go, because we have no control over it and eats me alive if I hold onto it. Instead concentrate on your "good stuff" that we all have in us- Im much more happier and at peace for doing so


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## ThikchicStacey

I remember the very first time I dared to wear a tank top...I was 15 years old.

Not a tiny strapped one either - I full covered t-shirt without the arms.
My mother screamed and yelled and told me I was too fat to where something like that.
I cried, and felt the ugliest I'd ever felt. I was ashamed and self concious.

I soon learned that I had an advantage over my mother.
She grew up skinny - and like many, gained weight after having children.

I was always chunky.
She could never get used to her fluff - I was born with it, therefore; I knew no other way for my body to be.

Now I refuse to where t-shirts. I ONLY wear tank tops - and the skinny strapped kinds to boot! Something changed in me shortly after that experience and I learned that I will never allow anybody to determine how I feel about my body again.

She knows me now as the "most confident fat girl she's ever met" I love my mother to death, but I have one thing she doesn't.

SELF CONFIDENCE

Its too bad our mothers didn't have more of it


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## Green Eyed Fairy

^^I enjoyed reading your post, Stacey- thanks


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## bbwbabe

I also related to that I spent my whole childhood being put on a diet in grade 2 etc by my Mom--only kid in grade 3 to be sent to school with a "Metrecal " as my lunch"

But Ive had 4 kids of them 2 are larger---2 arent --they all were exposed to the same environment and family ways---so genetics played a huge role in got the fat genes......it does hurt me though when my 9yr says she hates herself for being fat.....she is likely to be larger--but so was her 21 yr old sister whos now lost 80 lbs in the past 2yrs since having her baby?

I wish I could just help my girts love themselves as is--- for who they are and what they do in life--not what they look like.!


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## liz (di-va)

Heh...I've been afraid to look at this thread for a long time. Too much! Too close to home. I am so moved by reading others' stories. 

I think I finally understood something recently about mothers, food, and daughters the other day that I hadn't gotten. I figured it out watching Oprah, but as usual not for the reasons I was supposed to (grumble). It probably falls into the DUH category, like all major revelations, but I feel like mentioning it, if you don't mind.

For a long time I've been excruciatingly aware of the damage mothers cause daughters--individually and wholesale, generationally. Passing on huge amounts of dysfunction, sowing the seeds of eating disorders, interfering with whatever little ability women have to feel good about themselves in this world. All the horrible terrible stories about Jenny Craigs and meldowns in the Plus Size department and worse...compromising daughters' physical health, emotional health. Siding with the whole fat-hating world against their children.

I was watching a whole roomful of women on an episode of Oprah--an episode where they were talking about this issue, kind of--about really young girls effected by their mothers' obsession with weight. And the point was, Oprah wasn't getting it, as usual. Nobody was. Everbody was so clenched and upset and I was thinking...

...this is about TERROR, not fear, but TERROR of daughters being fat, so strong it rules what sensible people do and it's that fear that drives all this. That fear gone twisted. In the spirit of the road to hell paved with good intentions and all that. All these women had never seen past, worked past their *own* horrible experiences with weight and mothers and whatever and were just stuck there, trying desperately to protect their daughters from pain, but creating it all over again, worse than before. They didn't want to hurt and destroy their daughters, but you could see them doing it anyhow...

Anyhow, this is definitely an obvious point to make, but for some reason it was a bit of a turning point in making peace with my own experiences with my mother. Which were horrible and crucial and involved among other things her complete inability to handle my body once I hit puberty and it was no longer a stick. Which...pretty much cut off any helpful interaction for many really important years. It really was awful. And preventable. But I can see better than I could where it came from...

Not to mention I am struck listening to everybody's stories how hard it is to parent daughters about this in the best of circumstances! Gawd. How do you influence a child against an entire world, school, life, full of other ideas...can't even imagine. Have a lot of sympathy for all of us!


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## Ericthonius

liz (di-va) said:


> ...
> Not to mention I am struck listening to everybody's stories how hard it is to parent daughters about this in the best of circumstances! Gawd. How do you influence a child against an entire world, school, life, full of other ideas...can't even imagine. Have a lot of sympathy for all of us!



I'm not a woman and I'm not fat but I understand what it's like to grow up in a society where you're on the outside, looking in. Something my strange and by today's standards, very dysfunctional family, (I was raised by gods and monsters), would remind me of, when needed to help deal with the pain of being, "_different_", was for me to look at life through a filter of, "_I'm right... It's the world that's wrong."_ Myopic? Nope... Crazy? Maybe... Anti-Social? Perhaps... Take the world at large's side against your own kid?* Never fuckin' happen. 

I think a lot of parents forget the fact that schools and other places where their kids go, are full of people they see every day on the street and wouldn't let cut them off in traffic and yet... Inside the walls of a school or similar place, same said parents act as if they, themselves, are still seven years old and take the schools side against their own kids. Especially on unimportant matters like what their child looks like instead of important issues like what's being learned, what's in their hearts, what kind of adult will they grow up to be through the schools tutelage. 

I can't understand it.


*Of course in this instance I'm talking about every-day street hassles with, 'The Man'. Not serious felonies like murder, rape, arson, etc.


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## JoyJoy

I've often worried about my daughter's self-esteem when it comes to size issues. She's not a thin girl, and has gained some weight over the past few years, and even though she's never expressed it, I've wondered if it bothered her to be bigger than her friends. We've talked about it, and she's always said it doesn't bug her, but I also remember what it's like to be 17 and try to put up a good front, so part me felt that maybe she was holding back a little and that at some point her insecurities would somehow manifest themselves. 

I've always tried to be a good example for her when it comes to body image. She knows that my size isn't a negative issue for me, that I'm confident and not ashamed of how I look. She has had to deal with other family members expressing concern for her weight, though, even to the point of denying her food at meals by taking her plate away before she was finished or not allowing her to have seconds. (her father and stepmother  ) They have often commented to her about me, with statements such as "You don't want to end up looking like your mother, do you?"  

I think though, so far, my positive influence has won out against their negativity! Last night, she was on the phone with her aunt (her father's sister) and the subject of her size same up somehow. I sat there bursting at the seams as I heard her tell her aunt that yes, she had gained a little over the past year, but that she wasn't worried about it, because she didn't "feel fat", and she figures her body is going to be whatever size is best for her with her eating habits, because she wasn't going to diet and be miserable, and her size hasn't kept her from doing anything she wanted to do. She is an active girl who walks at the track twice a week with a friend, is constantly on the go, and has the same love of good food that I do. Hopefully she'll be able to maintain these habits and the same level of confidence for a long time to come. I am so proud of her! :wubu:


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## Tad

Good job, "mom"! Nice to see sanity can be hereditary


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## Heidi

I have some of the most fantastic parents imaginable - both love us (myself and my brother and sister) unconditionally, have given us every opportunity they possibly could, encouraged us to always try something new, instilled in us a conviction that life is ours to make and that we can do anything we set our minds to.

Yet at the same time, I know that my Mum's own weight issues, and my Dad's need for approval from others have rubbed off on me. Inadvertently, they have made hurtful comments - I can remember as a child being told by Dad that "if you keep eating like that you'll be like the side of a house/back end of a bus", and Mum used to tell me to "hold your tummy in". This I dilligently did until I was 16 and started singing lessons, when I realised that I was holding my stomach in without even knowing it. It took me almost a year to figure out how to relax those muscles off!

My grans also both made unintentional hurtful remarks regarding the amount that I ate etc. As a child I always had a healthy appetite (unlike my sister, who was always skinny and ate far less), but we always did so much that I was one of the fittest kids in my class. By the time I was in my mid teens, I played for the hockey, badminton and tennis teams and swam for the school and local teams. I almost made the Olympic training squad for swimming and won the under 21s badminton championship for the district at 15. Yet I was 11 stone at 11, 12 stone at 12, 13 stone at 13... when I was 13 I started skipping lunch (easy to do when you go to school an hour from home), at 14 I started going for a jog at 6am, before coming in and crumbling a piece of cereal into a bowl, swirling it around with a tiny bit of milk and leaving the bowl out with a spoon in as evidence that I had eaten breakfast. By the time I was 15, I skipped any meal that I could possibly get away with doing so, and in one 10 week school term, I ate something (in one case an apple, on another a salad) on only 10 days. The longest I ever went without food was 15 days.

Whenever I lost a few pounds, my parents would congratulate me, thinking they were being supportive of what they saw as a good move, when in fact they were reinforcing the negative impression that I was perfectly good at creating myself! When I finally caved and went for therapy a couple of years ago, my parents were shocked and horrified to learn of the pain that some of their comments had caused. I don't think my Mum will ever forgive herself for what she perceives to be a failure to realise how vulnerable I was, but how was she to know? It's not like it was a deliberate attempt to offend - both parents carry emotional bagage that is no more their fault than my own weight issues are mine.



LillyBBBW said:


> Any illness that causes you to lose weight has to be a good thing because the loss of the weight makes you so much healthier?


Throughout my teens I longed to get ill because that would cause me to loose weight. I felt guilty for wishing on myself something that would cause pain to those who loved me, but longed to undergo chaemo or spend months in a coma and wake up a 'perfect 10'. Only my grandpa (who was somewhere over 18 stone for much of my childhood, and even now, approaching his 75th birthday this year, is between 14 and 15 stone), was always entirely supportive. He dotes on me like nobody else, and has spent years trying to persuade me of the beauty he sees in me. When I told my family last year that I had received my 1 1/2 stone award from Slimming World, everyone else was pouring on congratulations, and he said "that's great, but don't loose too much". The rest of my family looked at him like he'd gone barmy, but his comment probably meant the most.

I can't even remember what point I was going to make now, but suffice it to say that I am working through the issues left from my formative years. Some days I start to believe that nobody except me cares if I am fat, yet others I don't want anyone looking at me incase they judge me. My parents still love me unconditionally, and have learnt to keep their thoughts to themselves, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

The other day my boyfriend said something that made me realise how far I have come: he said that I was, and I quote "realitively happy at a size 26". That may not sound like much, but when I was 15 and not eating because I was 'so fat' at a size 16, I wouldn't have believed you that I could be anything other than suicidal at a 26. Pushing the upper boundary of a 26 at that! Incidentally, the 1 1/2 stones lost with Slimming World are now very firmly reattached, but I'm not entirely sure that I'm bothered any more.

One thing that does bother me, though, is whether I would pass on my issues to my own kids. I would find it very difficult not to focus on my kids weight, because I know what a tough time I had due to my own. When I see a fat kid, I still feel sorry for them - not for being fat, but for the abuse that they might get from other people about their size. I would love kids, but I don't want to bring someone into the world who is going to wish I hadn't! Oh the joys of human emotion.


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## Tad

Heidi said:


> One thing that does bother me, though, is whether I would pass on my issues to my own kids. I would find it very difficult not to focus on my kids weight, because I know what a tough time I had due to my own. When I see a fat kid, I still feel sorry for them - not for being fat, but for the abuse that they might get from other people about their size. I would love kids, but I don't want to bring someone into the world who is going to wish I hadn't! Oh the joys of human emotion.



I hear you. I was an active but somewhat chubby child, and I suspect that the messages I got from my parents, even if they dont remember having said them, have totally affected my view of my body and those around me. Wrong topic for this thread so I wont go into that part more.

I wanted to address your comments about worrying about what baggage you would put upon any kids you would have. I say that is the first big step to minimizing said baggage, simply being aware that it happens. You can never perfectly avoid it of course, and I dont know a single parent who doesnt stress sometimes about what they might have done to their child unintentionally. The one thing that I think I can say is that if you had a child who was as fat as you were, theyd grow with an awesome mom who was much fatter, but still active and pretty cool with her size. That would have to be a big step in the right direction. Not to say childhood, and especially adolescence, cant still be cruel, but at least this is one issue on which you would be very educated and aware.

So no, I dont think youd mess them up about their weight. Youll have to find something else to mess them up about  Seriously, as a parent, my take on it is that the problems you expect arent that bad, it is the ones that you didnt expect that throw you for a loop, and kids are full of the unexpected. Depressingly often you can look back at those problems and see where your actions may have caused them or exacerbated them. But you do the best you can and remember that all humans, always, everywhere, have also made errors, and yet we survive.

Regards;

Ed


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## Heidi

Thanks for that - as I think I've said elsewhere, it's good to finally find somewhere that I can discuss things with people who actually undersatnd specifically where I'm coming from, rather than just generally addressing ordinary parenting issues.


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## magnoliagrows

In response to Joy Joy...
Growing up I didn't start getting chubby till middle school but my family was very fat negative. I remember my grandfather making comments to my grandmother about her weight. I had a cousin who was very big and family members would making concerned comments about her a lot. When I started gaining my mother was very hard on me, telling me that no man would want me etc. etc. 

Now I'm the mother of a daughter a married to an FA. We try to be very fat positive. My mother over the past few years has apologized for her behavior when I was young and now is very supportive. She still makes comments about herself. But my daughter never hears a fat negative comment in our household. And yet, she has come home from school with these attitudes. Its amazing to me how when we surround her with fat positive messages she can still pick up on what the outside world says about being fat. If she were older I would understand but as I said she is very young.

I'm still on my own journey with fat acceptance and I wonder sometimes if she can read my mind, if she knows that even though mom says fat is beautiful, mom still works to believe it sometimes.


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## TallFatSue

It's simply human nature, but one negative comment can erase 100 positive comments, especially from your daughter's peers. (Likewise as my boss says in the business world, it takes years to build a good reputation, but only one bad incident to ruin it.) The problem is that children can be very cruel to each other as they jockey for position in the journey of life. They often don't really mean what they say, but blurt it out anyway, and feelings get hurt. And besides the day-to-day intereaction with her peers, the media sure don't help matters much. And life is full of mixed messages galore too. Try to reassure your daughter as best you can, and help her understand that she should consider the source. Often kids (and adults too) try to tear down others in order to build themselves up, and the more they do so, the less secure they probably feel about themselves.  

My mother always nagged about my weight, but thank goodness I learned to handle it long ago. At first I hated it, they I just let her comments slide, and finally in my rebellious youth I began to view my fat as a symbol of my independence, which annoyed the heck out of her (wink). Now I'm pushing 50, and she still comments ("Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?). Some people just aren't happy unless they criticize everyone around them. I love my mother, so I've learned to grin and bear it, or give it back to her. On the other hand, if somebody else criticizes how fat I am, them's fightin' words as far as my mother is concerned! 

Speaking of my mother ... It's verrrry interesting that after my young 350lb cousin got engaged a couple months ago, my mother has had nothing but nice things to say about her. "Oh, Sue looked so lovely in her wedding dress, and nowadays you have so many good choices in large sizes." Wha...? That's my mother talking? I vividly remember all of her critiques about my supersize wedding dress a quarter-century ago. At least she's consistent in her inconsistencies.


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## magnoliagrows

Speaking of my mother ... It's verrrry interesting that after my young 350lb cousin got engaged a couple months ago, my mother has had nothing but nice things to say about her. "Oh, Sue looked so lovely in her wedding dress, and nowadays you have so many good choices in large sizes." Wha...? That's my mother talking? I vividly remember all of her critiques about my supersize wedding dress a quarter-century ago. At least she's consistent in her inconsistencies. [/QUOTE]

I know! Last year, my mom took me shopping for my birthday. We went to Lane Bryant and SHE encouraged ME to buy a molded cami that pushed me up and out! I was really surprised. She kept complimenting me and saying how good I looked. When I was in highschool I was never over 160 and she was on my case all the time. Now 50 pounds heavier she is a wonderful support. I wonder who I would have turned out to be if she had been like that then.


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## Paul

Just a thought _fat girl wanna be,_

Maybe the change in attitude by your mother might have more to do with the fact that you no longer are a teenager. As a teenager there are so many conflicts between parents and children which seem to be part and parcel of the job description for a teenager. Once we are no longer teenagers many of these conflicts magically disappear....well many do...every time I visit my parents, and its been a long time since I lived at home, I feel as if I am still ten years old. :lol:


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## bamabbwgirl37

i have just read all of the posts that all of ya'll put on this subject and it makes me want to cry: i have alway been heavy and been told by everyone that i have a pretty face but u would be even prettier if u would stop eating all the time. this one is one that my mom has told me : if u dont stop eating so much im gonna have the doctors to sew or wire ur month shut: how hurtful can that be for a child to hear that from some one that has promised to love this child as her own. my brother has told me that i have a pretty face but if u would only loose the weight u would be even prettier. how can a child loose the weight when she/he is being hurt every day of his/her life with ppl like these ppl? cant these ppl that claim to love u just love u for u and not hurt u? is it to much to ask of them or are we the kids not allowed to ask for their love and understanding? i just wish i had a mother and brother that would have loved me for me.. especially my mother who is still to this day very mean, very hurtful, and very heartless...in plain terms my mother is and will always be the worse of the worse mothers that i have ever been around....now my grandmother was a good woman. she didnt harp on me bout my weight. i loved being at my grandparents house when i could go see them during the summer. they are another story... i do have a question that i would like an answer or answers to pls: does stress, depression, weight, and health problems go hand in hand? i know stess can cause some health problems but not sure if it does with weight and depression too...thanks


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## TallFatSue

My mother sure has split personality about my weight, especially all those mixed messages when I was a girl, like "clean your plate but lose the weight." Now I'm 50 and she's 75, and she still makes at least one comment about my size whenever we're together. But if other people dare imply that her daughter is too fat, then my mother is quick to put them in their place. Several relatives are in town for a wedding this weekend. Some cousins I haven't seen in years invited my parents, my brother & his wife, and my husband & me to their hotel last night, and told us to bring our swimsuits. I changed into a 2-piece swimsuit, and before I jumped into the pool, my mother made her usual comments (as my father rolled his eyes with a smiling "there she goes again" expression on his face):  

Mom: "You're not wearing that, are you?"
Sue: "Yup."
Mom: "Don't you think you're too fat for that?"
Sue: "No I'm not. It fits just fine."
Mom: "You know what I mean. Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?"
Sue: "Nope."
Mom: "What will people think?"
Sue: "They'll think that big smiling fat woman sure is a nice person."

My mother always has to ferret out some little flaws in me or my brother or my father, and then it's over, and peace reigns for the rest of the evening. Although for some reason she thinks my husband can do no wrong. So how come Mr. Son-In-Law gets a free pass?  

Anyway Art & I were in the pool with some cousins, and I could overhear my parents talking to some aunts and uncles. Gee, sound sure travels well over water! One aunt expressed her concern about how fat I am and that obesity must be bad for my health. My mother piped right up: "Don't you worry about Sue. Size has nothing to do with it. She has a checkup every year and her doctor said she'll probably live to be 100. I used to think she was too fat, but she takes good care of herself and has a positive attitude and that's what really counts. Did you know Sue is an office manager? She and Art have been married 25 years too. Blah blah blah. That son of ours is doing great. Blah blah blah. So how are your kids these days?"  

Wha....? She USED TO think I was too fat? Okay, Mom, put your family on pedestals in public, and criticize us in private.


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## TallFatSue

TallFatSue said:


> Several relatives are in town for a wedding this weekend.


Some of you might remember me mentioning that last Christmas Eve, one of my first cousins once removed (daughter of a cousin) announced her engagement. It was her wedding last weekend, and a very nice one it was too. At about 350lb she's the 2nd fattest member of my extended family after me, and she wore a beautiful off-the-shoulder wedding gown. She used to be considered the fat ugly duckling in the family, but she became a supersize swan! 

It was a hot July day, so I wore a sleeveless dress myself, and showed off my long fat legs too. Sleeveless dresses were pretty common among the other fat women, especially those of my 25-year-old cousin's generation. These kids nowadays, they think they can just go around showing off their fabulous fat female figures like it's the most natural thing in the world. And -- gasp -- slow dancing too! Cool! 

I expected my mother to comment about those women with their huge boobs, bellies and butts hanging out for all the world to see, but she only mentioned mine of course. Otherwise, except for a few comments directed toward my father's supposedly unruly hair, my mother had only had praise for the whole shebang. 

At one point my husband danced with the bride and I danced with the groom, and methinx they'll be very happy together. I'm still not sure whether or not he's an FA, but he sure is smitten by my young cousin. He said she's a real handful, in the best possible way. Before the evening was over, several other men wanted to dance with me too, so I had mighty sore feet.

As I mingled with the other guests, I half expected to hear comments about "here comes the bride, big fat and wide" but they were mostly along the lines of "she sure looks great for her size" -- not exactly high praise but pretty good nonetheless. (I'll never forget at my own wedding 25 years ago my distant cousin Bill congratulating my husband on the whale he had just landed. Bill was surprisingly subdued last weekend.) Well, actions speak louder than words anyway, and I noticed that the bride had no shortage of hugs throughout the reception. I garnered a fair share of hugs myself. Let's face it, if you've never been hugged by a gorgeous fat woman, you've never really been hugged at all. 

So my young cousin and I are the 2 fattest members of our extended families, and we had different experiences growing up 25 years apart as obese girls. My mother nagged about my weight pretty often, so eventually I rebelled and began to view my fat as a symbol of my independence. On the other hand, my cousin's mother sometimes encouraged her to lose weight, but it was never much of an issue between them. To my surprise I learned that the reason was me, because her mother and I were in the same generation, and she saw that I turned out just fine even with a few hundred pounds of extra body fat bouncing around. On the other hand, my cousin had the same peer pressure from friends as I did at the same age, except I mostly shrugged it off whereas she tried several major diets in high school and college which only made her gain even more weight in the end -- and everywhere else.


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## bbwjb

There is alot I could say about this subject and after reading some of the posts I completely understand where most of you are coming from. 

I could use this post to demolish my mother's and father's ways & that I believe they have alot to answer for when all of their children are overweight/obese by medical standards. My mother has type 2 diabetes and my father has a heart condition that has seen him in hospital twice. 

What I am going to say is they did their very best that they could do to provide for 3 children. I cannot fault them on anything. I think I have made mum understand to be more accepting of the fatness in the family and she is slowly becoming respectful. It's ongoing. Deep down she knows what's going on & that she is reponsible to some degree in our lives. All mothers are. 

Now my new project is to make her understand that cats are cute animals & they are allowed in the house. Meow:happy: 

Take care all. Remember it's your choice to accept yourself first. Others will follow.

Helena


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## Catkin

I've just read the whole of this thread, and, well, just wow. This is probably one of the most helpful and insightful things that I've ever read. I can identify with so many other women here; my mum has never been outright abusive about my size, but I've always felt like I was letting her down in a major way by being her "fat child". My brother's a twig and my sister is average sized, so compared to them my 19 year old, 5'9", 250lb body looks huge. Even so, my mum has commented on my sister's size before, even though she weighs about half what I do!

Like many people here, I've had to deal with snide comments for a long time: If I'm hungry after being served a too-small portion at dinner, I eat later, or get seconds if they're there. My mum seems to watch this pretty closely, and asks if I need the extra food, if I actually want it or I'm just picking because it's there etc. I know that I eat more than average, but I can't really help being hungry or needing / wanting more food. The worst thing is the disappointed looks (at least, this is how i perceive them) she gives me when I eat something decidedly wicked, such as two chocolate bars one after the other (oh, the horror!!), or take more food than she deems necessary.

I know that my mum's watchfulness has lead to me binge-eating, and sneaking food; I've been doing this since I was about 15, and began to earn my own money. I also see this as a rebellion; my mum seems to be on a permanent diet, as she is unhappy with her current size (a UK 10/12...she's not exactly big), and this means that crisps, chocolate, and all typical snack / treat foods are in limited supply here. I know that they're not the healthiest of eating habits, and I'm working to change them, but I like the idea of being in control of this part of my life...also, eating lots and being fat makes me happy, something that I've only realised in the last few years with various size-accepting friends (who are all of different sizes), and with wonderful websites like this one  I don't think I could have reached this mental state of understanding and acceptance of my body without the people there that always told me that I was beautiful and deserving of a wonderful man (who I've yet to find, but still..*lol*).

Clothes shopping has also always been a minefield with me and my mum...I can remember being about 12 or 13 (and about a UK size 12), and having her comment on my size, saying that I "don't want to get much bigger". I used to wear only boys clothes for a while, or boyish clothes, as I felt too ashamed to wear prettier things. I still get comments like this, along with such gems as "you can't get much bigger, or you won't be able to buy any clothes", when I know for a fact that Evans (UK plus-sized shop, does really nice stuff!) goes up to at least a size 30; 5 sizes bigger than I am at the moment. I'm just glad now that I have the confidence to wear a much wider selection of things.

I've never actually explained to my mum that I like being fat, or that I prefer fat guys. I think that they had an idea of my preference for guys with my first boyfriend, who was considerably bigger than me, but luckily they never said anything to me about him. I wish I did have the courage to stand up to my mum, but it's difficult, as I'm sure most of you know. Our relationship has been this way for years, and I can't see it changing unless I lose some serious weight, which I'm not planning to do any time soon  

Anyway, sorry for the rant / ramble, but after reading everyone else's responses I felt inspired to share some of my experiences. I'm just glad that I've found out relatively quickly that fat doesn't equal bad, and that I can be fat, happy and loved. My heart goes out to everyone else that has shared this kind of pain, or endured worse from their loved ones.


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## willamena31

Hi! I'm new here and just wanted to add my two cents. 

My mom is great. She's a very kind, understanding, loving person. I had the mom that all my friends wished was their mom. She never put me down about my weight or made me feel bad about myself. She was always kind of self concious <<(spelling??) about her own weight. She is not skinny, but is by no means as big as me, but my step-dad met her when she was at her smallest and when she started to gain weight he would complain, so she was always finding these "great diets" when I was younger and suggesting that I go on them with her, so in her round about way, I guess she was telling me I needed to lose weight, but not being mean about it. LOL Does that make sense?? LOL

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say. Sorry if I don't make a lot of sense. Sometimes my brain runs faster than I can type and I end up forgetting what all I wanted to say!!

Hugggsss!!
Billie Jo


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## TallFatSue

I just realized something the other day when I was visiting my parents and looked through some family photo albums. It's interesting all the things we finally figure out years or decades later. 

Up until I was about 14 years old, I usually hid behind things or other people so the camera would only see my face and wouldn't see how big my body was (probably about 300lb then). I hated being a big tall fat girl, and it didn't help that my mother harped about my weight. But after that age, it wasn't unusual to see me front and center in some photos, and wearing shorts too. That was probably about the time I decided to make a virtue of necessity and embrace my size. That was also when my rebellious streak kicked in, and my size became a power play between my mother and me. The more she nagged about my weight, the more I viewed my fat as a symbol of my independence, "just to show her." Come to think of it, I seem to remember at least one photo shoot on a family vacation, when my mother made her usual comment about "that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see." In some photos it looks like I deliberately stood at a 3/4 angle to emphasize how fat I was, just to bug my mother after we got the film developed. I'll be she said, "you're not wearing THAT, are you?" sometimes too. 

Nice to know that my mother's nagging about my weight backfired and gave me more confidence during my turbulent teenage years. It helped that my father thought I was just fine as I was. He told me that my mother always needed to fuss over something, and my weight was only a convenient target. He thought that if my size wasn't a problem with me, then it wasn't a problem with him either. I remember overhearing them in a conversation once:

Mom: "I can't believe how fat Sue is getting."
Dad: "Well she seems happy and healthy, and she doesn't smoke or drink or use drugs that I know of, and she gets good grades and has lots of friends, so I don't think it's a major problem."
Mom: "True, but she's just so fat."
Dad: "If that's the only strike against her, you should count your blessings."
Mom: (mumble)

Sigh. I love my mother, but sometimes she obsesses.


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## Lamia

Reading through this thread was like reliving my past. 

Fat Family History: My grandma is 4'11 was always skinny. She had 3 daughters all have had to struggle with weight. My mom's youngest sister has always been average size, but still diets to try to get rid of a few extra pounds. My mom and her olderst sister have been fat most of their lives. All of the grandchildren have had to struggle with their weight. The three boys (each daughter having had one son) have had weight issues, but worked them out in their teen years and went on to be fit. My sister dealt with her weight issues by binging and purging. My youngest cousin has always been pretty small. Four of us over 300 lbs. The oldest cousin has always been in the 200s somewhere. 

My dad's side of the family everyone is normal size. My paternal grandmother hated fat people. She referred to fat people as "fat and greasy". I remember one time she phoned my mother to tell her that "that fat and forgetful Diann forgot my paper". I laughed about it then and I laugh about it now. Grandma was an uneducated person. She quit school in 6th grade to take care of her 6 siblings. She thought of other states as Foreign places; "Those foreigners from Rhode Island were here today". We're from Illinois. My father's uncle had two twin daughters that were heavy when they were young, but uncle Walter made so much fun of them that they lost weight. So my father thought this would work on me. 

My father has spent his whole life worrying over my weight. He would poke fun of me, but mostly his comments were "why don't you eat another one just stuff your face til you die". I would eat more even if I wasn't hungry just to spite him. I would use it to display his lack of control over me and my eating. He was a verbally abusive drunk and I was terrified of him when I was a child and I think eating was my way of controlling him. I used to think he didn't want me to be fat because he was disgusted by fat, but I now that I am older I think he truly felt I was going to die. The last time he said anything about my weight was 3 years ago. He was asking me when I was going to lose (my fiance wasn't present and he never says anything in Jim's presence). I told him I would make a deal with him. I said "Dad I'll go on a diet if you stop smoking." My dad has smoked 2 packs a day since he was 8. He sputtered and stammered and his reply was "Well Marilyn would have to quit too" (my new skinny step mom) that was the last time he mentioned it. I think he's afraid I'll bring up him quitting again. 

The dynamic with my mother is wholly different. My mother was fat and my father never said anything to her because he knew better, so I think he was saying the things to me that he couldn't or wouldn't say to my mother. My mother has always hated herself even though she was abosolutely beautiful. She looked like a fat Raquel Welch. My maternal-grandmother (Mimi) has spent her whole l life trying to get her fat kids and grandkids to lose weight. My mother finally had the bypass surgery (second time). My mom is 5'5 and was up to 450 lbs. She couldn't walk very well or breathe. She's 67 years old. Before the surgery she spent the last 5 years of her life (prior to the surgery) in her apartment. She was almost bedridden. The surgery has improved her quality of life. She is down to 260lbs, she had surgery on her knees so she can walk. Has a job and goes dancing etc. I am very happy for her. 

She asked me if I would consider surgery and I said Hell no. She doesn't understand that I am happy being this size. I was miserable as a teen...who isn't? She doesn't understand that my issues with weight were her issues bestowed on me. I wore this mantle of self hate for years. I was 28 before I had my epiphany of "hey I don't really hate being fat I just hate how people "treat" me because I am fat". I found dimensions and other sites about fat acceptance. I still have my days of hating myself, but not the fat. 

I love my mom and her humor, but for years I had been hating my father because he was so vocal about my fat that I ignored my mother's less obvious criticisms because I needed one ally. She hated all my pictures because you could see my double chin. When I told her I got picked as cheerleader there was no joy in her face just worry. I was 218lbs and she knew people were going to laugh at the fat cheerleader. My sister told her "you made me feel ugly my whole life". My mom was upset and I had to comfort her about it. I wanted to say mom you made us both feel ugly, but I can't say that to her. My mom feels guilty about everything and it's that sense of guilt that makes me think "why add to it". 

I've made my peace with both parents. I understand where their behavior came from. I am happy with who I am. :happy: I wish my parents were happy with themselves and with me. 


Side note: All my cousins now have children except the oldest one and me. None of the children have weight issues like we had. My neices have small weight issues, but nothing major. My mom's dad was an awesome individual. He was intelligent and kind. He wasn't a drinker or smoker, yet all three of his daughters married alcoholics.


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## TallFatSue

One of my office suppliers just took me out to lunch, so I'm in a verrrry good mood. Why does everyone think they can bribe a fat women with food? More importantly, how can I make sure they keep doing it? The cool thing is that they incorrectly think food bribery will sway my decisions, but far be it from me to tell them otherwise. 

This food bribery reminds me of another Mom story: Even though I'm 50, my father still regards me as "Daddy's little girl" and my mother pokes her nose into my business with thinly-veiled criticisms as "Should you be wearing that skirt?" and "Do you really like your hair that way?" and the ever-popular "Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?" It wouldn't surprise me if she copyrighted that remark. Bless their hearts, my parents are both 75 and hale and hearty. They'll probably live to 100. Last Saturday Mom invited Art & me to one of her sumptuous home-cooked meals. She's a terrific cook, and prepared enough to feed the Ohio Air National Guard, and expected us to eat it all. Afterward I hauled my nearly catatonic form into a recliner and purred in my blissful state of bloated nirvana. Her triple-chocolate raspberry cake also gave me double vision. :eat2:

This being October, my mother's ulterior motive was for me to help reorganize her closets, put her summer clothes into storage and take out her winter clothes. Meanwhile Art helped my father clean out their attic, now that it was nice and cool up there. As Mom & I sorted through her clothes, she made endearing comments like, "This would look really nice on you, but they probably don't make it in your size. Do you want some of my chocolate cake to take home with you?" Long Live the Queen of Mixed Messages! 

Gee, Mom, how come my brother and his wife are never pressed into service? Hmmm, better not go into that. My mother does not like her daughter-in-law at all, whereas her son-in-law (my husband) can do no wrong. And despite my mother's semi-regular comments about my weight, they're mild compared to what she says about my sister-in-law, whom she describes as "so thin she could walk through a harp." Hmm, damned if she's thin, damned if I'm fat. Better leave well enough alone, because I'm definitely getting the better deal.


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## chickadee

Aren't the mixed messages confusing? 

I never know how to respond to those. 

One of my friends recently complimented me on weight loss and asked me if I was getting skinny so I could "Get a man." As if I couldn't get a man when I was heavier? Good lord, what are these people who love us THINKING when they say these things?


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## mel

I was lucky.. my family always told me I was beautiful, never heard a thing negative about my weight. My mom is thin, dad was thin, only people I can recall being overweight were a few family members. I hear horror stories about people being picked on by their own family about their weight and it's so sad.. just tears me up inside. I ell my daughter she is beautiful just the way she is BUT if she wants to fit into a certain dress or wants to be a few pounds lighter..I tell her she she has to exercise and watch what she eats.


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## TallFatSue

Ah mothers. When I was a girl my mother always nagged about my weight, but she always had plenty of yummy comfort food too. Now she's 76 and I'm 51, and she still needles me about my weight, but I just smile because I know her ways. My father explained that my mother loves all of us, but she's not happy unless she can fuss over something. He said whenever they go out, he makes sure his collar is turned up or his tie is crooked so she can fix it, and then she's happy for the rest of the evening. In my case, my mother still likes to fuss about how fat I am. But she always loves a big hug from me. 

I've been seeing a lot of my parents and my in-laws this holiday season. The other day I was at my parents' house as my mother was baking enough Christmas goodies to feed an army. She asked me to reach something from a top shelf. I said it's good that I'm 6ft tall because her little step stool wouldn't hold me. So my mother said, "Maybe you should lose weight." Just so I can use her step stool? I don't think so. 

And on the topic of Mothers and Daughters, it will be fun to watch my brother's wife and their daughter. My sister-in-law is a major fatphobe who gives prissy little air kisses, so I give her great big enveloping hugs at family functions. My silly S-I-L thinks fat is contagious, so she's kept their daughter at arm's length from me over the years. However last summer my S-I-L relaxed her grip somewhat when she asked me to advise their daughter about her university classes. At the time, my niece was itching to get away from her mother's direct control too. Now my niece is finishing up her first semester at university, and rumor has it that she has gained the "freshman fifteen" and more, and her mother is in a tizzy. It will be interesting to see whether she's entering a "rebellious youth" stage as I did, when my fat became a major control issue between my mother and me. I viewed my fat as a symbol of my independence, and it's too early to tell if my niece will be the same way, but it wouldn't surprise me. In any case, I've been exchanging e-mail with my niece pretty regularly, so it's nice that she considers her big fat Aunt Sue to be something of a role model.


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## jooliebug

Your niece couldn't have a nicer role model.


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## amber83

The problem with my mother isn't that she's slim and I'm big, it is that she is big and so am I, but she's constantly on my ass about it. 

I've been treating insulin resistance for almost two years, and every time I see the doctor, if I'm not magically cured, she's on about "go to the gym" and "don't eat sweets". Oh, yes, that's the magical cure, mom, that's why you take a pill cocktail for diabetes? She's been a type II for 18 years. 

I was a size 34 and now I'm a 22/24 and 5'10". But, as good as that is, it doesn't ever seem enough for her. I eat rather healthy, and I lose weight - slowly. It's not like it melts off my body. I'm quite healthy and I get tested every year for cholesterol. But, you know, if I'm not magically cured of my resistance, I'm just DOOMED. 

I'm almost 26, and I've mentioned my desire to have a child to her. Instead of "well that's exciting!" the first thing she said was "You need to lose weight first". I felt like saying "And fuck you very much mom". 

Whenever we shop, if I pick out an article of clothing that is at all form-fitting, my mother tells me "well get it a size bigger so it doesn't stick to you". I said mom, I'm not THAT fat, Jesus. She wears clothing that has no shape and expects me to as well. Well - sorry mom, I have curves and if I want to show them, I will. I want to ENJOY my youth and not cover up my body because some bitch at Cosmo thinks I should. 

And to touch on a previous poster: my mom praised me with food too, all the while telling me I needed to lose weight. To her, thin = happiness. She's pounded it in my head that I need to be thin to be happy and people will like me, and I can have a child. She acts like I am just going to die if I get pregnant. I have no doubt it will be hard, but motherhood isn't a right reserved exclusively for size 10 and under. 




It frustrates me to NO end.


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## LillyBBBW

amber83 said:


> The problem with my mother isn't that she's slim and I'm big, it is that she is big and so am I, but she's constantly on my ass about it.
> 
> I've been treating insulin resistance for almost two years, and every time I see the doctor, if I'm not magically cured, she's on about "go to the gym" and "don't eat sweets". Oh, yes, that's the magical cure, mom, that's why you take a pill cocktail for diabetes? She's been a type II for 18 years.
> 
> I was a size 34 and now I'm a 22/24 and 5'10". But, as good as that is, it doesn't ever seem enough for her. I eat rather healthy, and I lose weight - slowly. It's not like it melts off my body. I'm quite healthy and I get tested every year for cholesterol. But, you know, if I'm not magically cured of my resistance, I'm just DOOMED.
> 
> I'm almost 26, and I've mentioned my desire to have a child to her. Instead of "well that's exciting!" the first thing she said was "You need to lose weight first". I felt like saying "And fuck you very much mom".
> 
> Whenever we shop, if I pick out an article of clothing that is at all form-fitting, my mother tells me "well get it a size bigger so it doesn't stick to you". I said mom, I'm not THAT fat, Jesus. She wears clothing that has no shape and expects me to as well. Well - sorry mom, I have curves and if I want to show them, I will. I want to ENJOY my youth and not cover up my body because some bitch at Cosmo thinks I should.
> 
> And to touch on a previous poster: my mom praised me with food too, all the while telling me I needed to lose weight. To her, thin = happiness. She's pounded it in my head that I need to be thin to be happy and people will like me, and I can have a child. She acts like I am just going to die if I get pregnant. I have no doubt it will be hard, but motherhood isn't a right reserved exclusively for size 10 and under.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It frustrates me to NO end.



I know exactly how you feel. It's like no matter how hard you work or how much progress you make it will never be enough. Sometimes my mother can come from out of left field with it and hit me in a way that will have me an emotional mess for days on in. I *so* know.


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## TallFatSue

amber83 said:


> The problem with my mother isn't that she's slim and I'm big, it is that she is big and so am I, but she's constantly on my ass about it.
> 
> I've been treating insulin resistance for almost two years, and every time I see the doctor, if I'm not magically cured, she's on about "go to the gym" and "don't eat sweets". Oh, yes, that's the magical cure, mom, that's why you take a pill cocktail for diabetes? She's been a type II for 18 years.


Sounds like another case of someone projecting their own problems onto someone else, and also a control issue. My mother is average size, otherwise I'd just say "you first" whenever she told me to lose weight. Methinx there's a fine line between "food = love" and "food = control". When it comes to my mother's fabulous cooking, I'm damned if I eat it and damned if I don't. So damn it, I'll eat it. :eat2:

It annoys the heck out of me that my mother practically overlooks all my other accomplishments simply because I'm fat. When I got a big promotion several years ago, she told me not to break my arm patting myself on the back and said "Now that you're moving in higher circles you should probably do something about your weight." Good idea Mom, I'd better maintain it. Grrrr.... 

My brother says I should consider myself lucky. He's average size, so my mother finds other ways to needle him. Whenever he tells her what he's been doing lately, she shifts the conversation to something like "I remember when you first learned to walk. You used to fall on your face all the time." We know our mother loves us and wants only what's best for us. Now she's 76, I'm 51 and my brother is 49, and she still wants to exert some control over us. My brother and I have come to terms with it and learned to compensate. As my father says, our mother loves us and only wants what's best for us, but she's not happy unless she can find fault with something and fix it. My father has learned that all he needs to do is put on a wrinkled shirt or not comb his hair, so my mother will sound the alarm and fix the impending catastrophe, and then she's happy and content. 

If I weren't fat, my mother would only find something else to criticize. If she doesn't comment about my weight, it's something else like "Do you really like your hair that way?" or "Should you really be wearing those sandals on those big feet of yours?" So I just throw it back to her with a smile and say something like, "Well, I tried wearing my hair in long spikes, but I kept hitting my head in doorways," or "I tried wearing these sandals on my hands but then I couldn't type on the keyboard." 

In my rebellious youth I began to view my size as a symbol of my independence, so I began to flaunt my size "just to show her." When I was a girl, my mother told me I was wayyyy too fat ever to find a good husband. Later when my Mr. Right practically fell into my lap, mom thought he must be some kind of weirdo to date someone as fat as her daughter. At our wedding it was fun to watch her beam with pride while trying not to admit she was just plain wrong. After Art & I moved into our own house, my mother asked why we didn't visit very often. "Because you keep criticizing how fat I am, that's why." "I don't criticize your weight all the time." Then I changed the subject. Sure enough, 5 or 10 minutes later she made some comment about my weight, so I began to walk out, to her amazement. After a brief argument we negotiated a truce. Mom gets one and only one free weight criticism whenever I visit. My husband is an engineer, and he said her one free weight criticism is kinda like a pressure relief valve, otherwise my mother might blow a gasket holding it in. Now I think it's funny, and I kinda provoke her whenever I visit so we can get it out of the way -- on my terms.

Sue: "Your cooking smells great, Mom. I should have worn bigger jeans."
Mom: "Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?"
Sue: "If it gets any bigger, I'll buy a wheelbarrow, I promise." 
Mom: "Very funny."

But you know what's really funny? If she hears someone else criticize my weight, she gets all riled up and comes to my defense! "Never you mind. I'm proud of my daughter." That probably says it all.


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## amber83

Thank you both for such a lovely response. 

My entire life, my mother has been a control freak. She really started backing off when I went through a divorce by myself and didn't need her help, but, every once in awhile she attempts to rule my life. These days, I tell her bye, hang up the phone, and let her figure out why I won't call her. And, I live 60 miles away, so it isn't as if she'll just drop by...

When I was married, I didn't want children, but my former husband did. If I mentioned it, the excuse was, "you need to lose weight first." When I got pregnant, unintentionally, she was somewhat excited, but again brought up the weight factor. I miscarried, which was a blessing, but any time I brought it up, it was always weight or too young. She'll always find an excuse. And now, I'm almost 26, have an established career and I feel that I'd like to remarry and have a child. The same excuses get pulled out and dusted off, except now, I ignore them. 

But, if she isn't nitpicking my weight, she nitpicks what I wear, or if I find a man, she'll nitpick that decision too. Nobody is ever good enough. 

However, something I don't think I mentioned is that I am the youngest child and only daughter. No pressure there eh?


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## GutsGirl

Here's my story. I had thought about posting this a while ago, but I was emotional (angry, but mainly hurting) then, and so now I'm posting when I have a clear head. I hesitate somewhat to post this, but here goes. 

Both my parents are overweight. My mom is a BBW... may be even SSBBW, I don't know. I'm just pudgy, I guess, but definitely fat by the media's standards.

Now, it's not that my mother has ever been cruel to me about my weight. She loves me and I love her. But when she found out about the FA subculture from me, she thought it was, to quote her, "nutty". She did not and does not understand why a man would find a fat woman attractive; why a guy would go for fat rolls on a woman over a thinner body type. She knows my boyfriend is an FA, and asked me why he would be an FA if I'm not 'big' and he's attracted to me, seeming to take my not-bigness as proof that he wasn't an FA, which was weird. She seemed to think that a person's fatness was just a flaw that a loving partner would have to overlook in favor of loving the rest of the person... not it being an integral attraction factor _to_ the person's body. 

Now, I admit that I didn't use to find fat sexy or attractive either, but now that I have discovered the FA/BBW subculture I do understand the attraction as much as I can. (And I appreciate it, believe me.) 

But my mom does not understand, and it hurts me, not because she's pressuring me to lose weight (though she makes a comment about it now and again), but because she herself is a BBW. I want her to see she's beautiful at any weight, that's she's a BBW, but I don't know if she will see that. I feel that she may not find herself beautiful, and that hurts me; it actually makes me tear up, which I am right now just thinking about it.

Part of her feeling the way she does about fat is because she has gained weight and does have health problems which may or may not be from the weight, but are probably being exacerbated by it. Both of my parents are not as strong or as physically capable as they used to be, and sometimes it hurts for me to realize that and to see it. That's part of the issue, but it confuses me that my mom doesn't see fat as something which could _ever_ under any circumstances, be sexy.

Any thoughts, anyone?


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## TallFatSue

In my life as a very fat woman, and also in my role as an office manager, I've seen more than a few people project their problems or anxieties (whatever they may be) onto others. That's much easier than taking charge of their own problems. We fat women can be very visual reminders of some of their own shortcomings, so they probably lash out at us because they don't want to be reminded. Of course it's even worse if we actually have positive outlooks or flaunt our figures, because we may appear in control of our lives whereas they feel out of control. "How dare that fat woman enjoy herself!" 

Plus there's the whole myriad of general mother/daughter control issues, which is a powderkeg of its own. 

Of course sometimes my fat feels like a force of nature that defies control, so I make a virtue of necessity and go with the flow, within reason. Now if you'll excuse me, someone brought in a chocolate fudge cake which must be destroyed immediately. :eat2:


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## sharondell

my mum is very slim always has been always will be she,s 78 5ft 2 and[ wears the highest heels you could ever see lol,] i love my mum and i know she loves me but i think the biggest dissapointment in her life is that im not thin [im a uk 16] she will say you look nice bit of weight of and you would look even nicer or if i see a top or something and i say i like that she will say yes its nice but for some one thin, dont know why she is like this she is not a nasty or vindictive person she just cant understand how any one can be over weight and happy or even live a normal life


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## TallFatSue

It's graduation season, so the next few weekends should be interesting. Last Sunday I missed our Memorial Day weekend family gathering because hubby & I were out of town. This morning my mother called to remind me that a certain cousin's family is having a high school graduation party for their daughter this afternoon. She told them Art & I would attend, and she would really like us to be there because "everyone missed us" last weekend at the family reunion, and my brother and his wife will be there too. Well, if there's anything more fun than being at a family reunion, it's being at a gathering of both close family members and complete strangers. Actually I look forward to it in an odd sort of way because it's fun to meet and chat with new people. I do wish everyone would wear name tags though. 

Once again my 77-year-old mother almost made 52-year-old me feel like a 12-year-old, but I'm used to it so I just grin and bear it. My mother asked what I would be wearing, and without being too specific I said I'd wear shorts. She asked, "Do you really think that's appropriate, you know, with your big legs?" I said that it looks like a nice sunny day in the 70s this afternoon, and they're having a picnic, so yes shorts are probably appropriate. Far be it from me to mention my sleeveless top, you know, with my big arms, because she'll see it soon enough. My mother doesn't exactly expect me to dress like Scarlett O'Hara at a cotillion, but methinx she wouldn't be completely happy unless she laid out my clothes every morning. When I see my brother and his wife at the party, I'll ask whether my mother grilled them too. No doubt my father must pass inspection before my mother lets him out of the house, but the irony is that it's easier for him because she gives him his assigned clothing and that settles it, and that's fine with him. Oh well, I can't complain. As long as I'm happy and healthy and stay out of jail, my father is proud of me. And both my parents are still hale and hearty with minimal health problems, and I do love them, so I consider my self verrrry lucky. Besides, if I weren't so fat my mother would only find other things about me to fuss about. It's just how she shows her love.


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## sharondell

your mom sounds just like mine it must be their age lol


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## msbard90

Well, growing up in my house was a negative experience for me- as my entire family is super thin and health conscious- except for me. when i was younger, i would pretend to be "healthy" too, but hide all of my fav foods in my dresser. I remember being caught having 5 boxes of girlscout cookies in my dresser, 4 already emptied, then she called all the relatives to humiliate me :/ I was only 12 

Years later its still a negative thing for me to be the only obese one in the fam. Its also still a secret that i love the way i look. even if i told my mother that, she wouldn't believe me because i'm not her "beautiful"....

well theres my story


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## sharondell

thats awful how could she do that to you i have 2 daughters both grown up and i cant imagine hurting them like that


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## TallFatSue

Glad I wore my shorts today because the weather was great at the graduation party. Our hosts had an in-ground pool so I took off my sandals and sat at the edge of the pool with my feet in the water. "Gee, Mom, I should have brought my swimsuit." That would have given her a conniption fit. 

When I was a girl I never hid food. My weight was a control issue between the two of us, so I ate whatever I wanted right out in the open. Of course my mother was the Queen of Mixed Messages: "Clean your plate, but lose the weight." If I didn't eat everything she had prepared, she moaned and complained that she worked all day to cook and bake for us. Then after I did eat it, she remarked that it's no wonder I'm so fat. Damned if I ate it and damned if it didn't, so I decided that damn it, I might as well eat it and enjoy myself. :eat2:


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## sharondell

good for you with the shorts ive not worn them since i was a child this is how it went in our house shorts for thin people, sleveless tops thin people, dresses thin people going out with out a coat ok if your thin yet we always went on holiday to hot countries lol im going to buy some shorts


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## CamileL

Women in my family are odd about the whole weight thing. My mom would give me backhanded compliments like "you're a very pretty girl... but you'd be so much prettier if you wore a little make-up and toned up a bit." Then she would find the girls picked for "model of the month" in Jet, Essence, or Ebony and point out that they were curvier and thicker than the conventional models. Everytime she did she would say "see? You're not fat. You just have a big bone structure." At the start of this I was around 5'4, 130. By the end I was about 5'6, 150.

My grandmother was known for telling me that I shouldn't cry because it messed up my pretty face. Then she would tell me that I was big (or in danger of becoming big) if she caught my with a soda or ice cream. She would go on about the flab on her arms and do little arm exercises to tighten them up.

Then there's my aunt. She's taller than me by a few inches and used to model. She gained weight after each of her two kids, but most of it after her second. Since then, she has been on different diets to lose the weight. Her youngest is now 18. She's still a plus-sized woman, but she exercises and eats healthy.

All three were curvy women somewhere in the 8-12 size range. They all had kids in their 20s and claim that's why they gained weight. On the other hand, neither my sister or I have kids and we both gained most of our weight during the later half of high school. My sister blames her birth control. 
I looked at some pictures from my years in middle and high school and want to smack myself for worrying about my weight. I looked good then. I look good now. If anyone at home brings it up, I smile politely and go on with living.


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## ToniTails

i was never overweight as a kid, but i thought i was-- mom was big and always on a diet and had us on whatever teh flavor of the month diet was---


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## sharondell

my mum used to try every diet known to man she was never bigger than a uk 10 so why she did i dont know, but her view of her self coloured our child hood , only thin people wore shorts, sleveless tops and took their coats of in public and yet we were taken to hot countries every yr for a holiday


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## msbard90

i still tend to "understate" what i eat around the fam. i work at mcdonalds during the summer between semesters at college and i always tell them that i don't eat anything there.. total lie of course. i know that it shows on my body that obviously i eat more than i admit to them, but it shuts them up for the time being. thats why i love going out to eat with my friends because they all love food too  i don't have to pretend to worry about the calories in my food. to me its more about eating what you love to eat cuz you only have one life. i would hate to know that i wasted my life not enjoying as much of it as i could have.


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## TallFatSue

I didn't know whether this belonged in this topic or in "People's inability to guess weight" (http://dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68994), but the mother-daughter relationship is "special" in more ways than one, so here it goes.

I made the mistake of telling my mother I was taking today off because my office is being remodeled, and she immediately wanted us to go shopping together. Considering she's 77 and still a bundle of energy, that she is thin so we aren't remotely the same size, and I usually end up with verrrry sore legs and feet, not to mention the verbal minefield I sometimes step on when we're together, shopping with Mom can be the ultimate thrill ride.

Mom can easily try on 20 outfits and find something wrong with all of them. And there's always one where she says (and I paraphrase):

Mom: "I don't like this one. It makes me look like I have big rolls of fat."
Sue: "What do you know about big rolls of fat?" 
Mom: "You carry it well. I could never get away with it."

Was that a quasi-compliment with a slap at the end? Ah, my mother, the Queen of Mixed Messages. 

And while Mom tries on those 20-odd outfits, she expects me stand outside the dressing roon and run back and forth to take back what she presently doesn't like and get another for her to try on. One clerk was trying to be really helpful, but my mother found fault with her too.

Mom: "I don't like her. She's too pushy."
Sue: "She just wants to help you."
Mom: "No, she's just trying to sell up. Besides, you know what I want, not her."
Sue: "No, Mom. You change your mind so much I have no idea what you want. She can help you better than I can."
Mom: "Don't you like helping me?"
Sue: "I like helping you. It's just that I can't stand around all day or my feet will hurt. I weigh over 400 pounds, ya know."
Mom: "Don't exaggerate."
Sue: "I'm not exaggerating. How much do you think I weigh?"
Mom: "200. Maybe 250."
Sue: "Try 200 PLUS 250."
Mom: "Now you're just being ridiculous. Nobody's that fat."
Sue: "Well then, I must be nobody." 

Mom usually also works in some comment like "Doesn't it bother you to have that belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?" when we're together. And then she buys me lunch. :eat2:

I do love my mother. Long decades of practise have helped me handle Mom's Mixed Messages: keep the messages I like, discard the rest.


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## spiritangel

hugs oh my 

thank god I cant go commercial clothes shopping these days or Id be in hell flashbacks of 5 outfits the same in diff colours just cause they fit 

Its the reason I dont tell my mother when I have lost any weight because she will tell me to hurry up so she can buy me clothes meh

I havent told her that I can fit into a lot of 32/34 clothes or she would buy me stuff she sees as gorgeous ie shapeless drap and meh lol


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## lozonloz

Oddly enough, my relationship with my mother regarding my weight now is much better since she became a weight loss counciller, I think it's given her a much needed insight into the reasons people are fat and how negativity can influence people.

For example, today my uncle came over and made a few harmless cracks about my weight, and mum said:

"Lauren is perfectly happy being fat and has started getting very into the fat acceptance thing. Shush."

It was nice, y'know? Specially since she was not so great about my weight growing up. She still thinks I should lose some weight but she's no longer judgemental about it. 

...

It's my Dad that I have the issues with.


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## Fat.n.sassy

My relationship with my mom was pretty good, she was plus sized as well. However HER mother was pretty brutal ~ to mom and to me. Of course it was always "good intentioned" or "said in love" (riiiiiight)

One time my brother, sister and I were at Grama's house. She had made something absolutely scrumptious, I think it might have been fried chicken. I rememberd I'd seen people on TV show appreciation for a good meal by leaning back and patting their belly....so that's what I did. 

She.....was.......HORRIFIED!! "You're proud of that young lady?!?! You should be ashamed of that belly, not patting it like you're proud of it!" 

I tried to explain myself, but was quickly shut up. My brother and sister who were thin were embarrassedly silent. I think I might have been in the 2nd grade.

My mom's mother-in-law, the other Grama was just about the same. She brow-beat my mom and never passed up the chance to put her down. She'd say things like how fat my mom was and how lazy...she didn't realize it but I remembered the times she said I was just like my mom.


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## Myn

I realize it's been said before on this thread, but it's so mindblowing to not be alone! I can remember being all of seven years old and my mom made a big production of pouring water into the casserole dish and announcing that it was so I wouldn't eat the two bites left of the meal as soon as I'd taken everything to the kitchen to do the dishes. She did not get any less psycho as the years (and pounds) went on.

I thought I'd understood it and stopped living by the inculcated crazy, but then I moved back in because she was going through a divorce and about to lose her house, and she started in on my son. Now, he doesn't give a rat's big toe one way or another, but my mom was going on and on about how he was going to get as big as me and then be uncontrollable and blah blah blah - because he has a gut. Given he had a gut when he weighed three pounds and five ounces, it's not really on my top ten list of concerns for his future.

And, of course, anytime I went on a diet there mysteriously appeared all sorts of junk food in the house. While she'd never admit it in a million years, the fact that I'm fatter than she is means that mom can still think of herself as being "a former athlete" rather than confront that she's quite hefty herself. 

Ah, family. Nothing messes with your head more.


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## mercy

My Mum seems to have been permanently on and off diets ever since I can remember, and the same goes for most other women in my family. Even my sister, who has never been more than a UK size 14, recently went on a diet. 

I don't know if this relates to my being fat (after all, I used to be dangerously thin a few years ago) but it definitely relates to the trouble I had coming to terms with being fat. I think as a child I was made to feel that being unhappy with your weight was the worst thing imaginable, and so when I started to gain weight, I was very aware of peoples' reactions. Even when I was nowhere near fat (maybe 160lbs at most), I absolutely loathed my body. 

It's taken a long time to get past that, even though I've been aware of the whole FA "scene" for about a decade now. I wouldn't say that I blame my mother for it, but I know that if I ever have children, I won't be obsessing about diets or body shape in front of them.


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## dcoyote

It just seems like mothers project their own insecurities on their daughters. My grandmother is a tiny, little women no taller them 4'9". Any amount of fat on her is horrible to her. She's always complained about the size of breasts. I think these insecurities were passed to her kids. Both of my mother's sisters felt insecure about their normal sized breasts and got implants. My mother is constantly trying to lose weight, and not succeeding which only makes her more insecure. I actually feel bad for my mom because I can tell she doesn't feel good about herself.

My mom does complain about my weight. She even gives me the back handed comments about it like "You would be so pretty if you lost weight." However. I can see what she's doing to herself and would rather not get sucked into a cycle of disappointment.


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