# You want me to do what?!



## Zowie (Sep 2, 2010)

It sounded like it'd be really entertaining, even if it does get overrun with zombies, midgets, or someone's biznatch. 

So, what is your most entertaining, endearing, romantic, hilarious, awkward, pitiful, geeky, orwhathaveyounot sex story?


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## Melian (Sep 2, 2010)

You started the thread. I wondered who would do it 

Here are a few adventures:

1. Was fucking this guy when two huge dobermans bust into the room and started watching...then tried to put their faces in the middle of the action.

2. Ate a McDonalds apple pie and drank a glass of milk during boring sex.

3. Fucked my husband when he got back from the hospital immediately after almost getting his hand severed.

4. Was fucked by my husband (I wasn't so conscious...) after getting back from the hospital after having a near heart failure.

5. Fucked a (young) guy with a pacemaker, who had big ass wires visible under his collarbone.

There are more, but I don't want to sound like too huge of a slut.

Now you go, Zoe.


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## Esther (Sep 2, 2010)

Melian. I just want to start my response off by saying.... you rule. 

I once pretended to pass out during sex to see if my boyfriend would still finish. He did!!!


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## Venom (Sep 2, 2010)

One time I had my nipple rings get ripped out. The guy started kinds a started freakin' out about it but I told him not to stop, me not getting off wasn't gunna help the situation.


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## Esther (Sep 2, 2010)

Venom said:


> One time I had my nipple rings get ripped out. The guy started kinds a started freakin' out about it but I told him not to stop, me not getting off wasn't gunna help the situation.



Dssfhjfghgh. Holy shit. That is my worst nightmare


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## Venom (Sep 2, 2010)

Esther said:


> Dssfhjfghgh. Holy shit. That is my worst nightmare



It actually wasn't all that bad, it happened quickly. I was able to get them redone a few months later after they healed. It was a lot less painful then when some of my other piercings would get pulled on by accident.


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## Sasquatch! (Sep 2, 2010)

I once got handcramp during. *facepalm*


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## SanDiega (Sep 2, 2010)

I once had sex while listening to a Mitch Hedberg tape. Neither of us could stop laughing. It was a great time, but not every great sex.


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## Tad (Sep 2, 2010)

With a broken collar bone, you really dont want to doing any sort of pelvic thrusting (the muscles to do so anchor on the collar bone, from how it felt). Any idea how distracting it is to just lie there and not push back? Im not good at being that passive!

Also, trying to match the tempo of the whole experience to Ravel's "Bolero" sounded like it would be all romantic, but forcing yourself to an artificial pacing mostly ended up being distracting for both of us.


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## Venom (Sep 2, 2010)

SanDiega said:


> I once had sex while listening to a Mitch Hedberg tape. Neither of us could stop laughing. It was a great time, but not every great sex.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7UnhSz1fSQ

Has the same effect on sex.


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## theronin23 (Sep 2, 2010)

Melian said:


> 2. Ate a McDonalds apple pie and drank a glass of milk during boring sex.



Ba da ba ba baaa......


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## FishCharming (Sep 2, 2010)

ummm, sex in the dressing room of the big ass disney store at downtown disney at like 4 in the afternoon, right before holloween. She was wearing a snow white costume and i was wearing half a dopey costume and people kept knocking on the door wanting to come in to try on costumes, and the whole time i kept hearing my friend shouting my name; he had put on a whinnie the pooh costume and was running all over the store looking for us and emotionally scarring children.

i had sex with a girl who had her leg crushed in a car accident so she had all of these big ass bolts sticking out of her leg held together with rails and she kept jerking her leg and poking me in the ass with the pins. 

i've fallen asleep during sex, just once though.

and not individually super exciting but i've had tons of sex in random public places, total exhibitionist.


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## Zowie (Sep 2, 2010)

Melian...you need to stay away from hospitals and sick people. 

Using one of the (supposedly empty) studios at school for a blowjay, just to notice as we were walking out that there was one of my friends on the other side of the room happily painting away with her back to us. She had headphones on, but it was still good for a laugh. 

Being asked to dress up in a school-girl type of outfit. I felt so ridiculous, I couldn't stop laughing and goofing off. Laughing was always a problem, because the ex treated sex like OMG THIS IS LIKE SERIOS BUSINEZ and if I so much as cracked a smile he'd always assume I was laughing at him.  

And always suppressing Harry Potter references during the act. It's a bit of a problem.


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## bigpulve (Sep 2, 2010)

I dont really have anything to say. lol


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## warwagon86 (Sep 2, 2010)

before getting wasted on my 21st my lady and I went for a wee walk and found a nice catholic church for some fun!

when we finished the priest had locked up the gates and we had to bounce over the wall!!!


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## rabbitislove (Sep 2, 2010)

I had to toss out my vibrator. My super homophobic ex boyfriend LOVED it too much 

Lets see:
1) Last week or so having a cat watch me give a ba-jay. I know thats normal cat behaviour apparently but Im not a cat person
2)Had a guy blow me off for sex to watch Dora the Explorer.
3)The Pokemon story
4) When I was 18, I was going down on my boyfriend at the time in his car. We were parked behind a building and didnt realize there was a nature trail. Some hikers saw him, thought he was having a heart attack and busted me mid-job. I was wearing only a thong and was MORTIFIED.
5) The last guy I dated (not vibrator happy) and I were messing around, and I slapped him across the face and asked if he liked it. He responded "Not really"

This thread would make celibacy seem so darn appealing if it wasnt hilarious.


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## LovesBigMen (Sep 2, 2010)

I missed a lot of interesting stuff... xD


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## Esther (Sep 2, 2010)

rabbitislove said:


> 5) The last guy I dated (not vibrator happy) and I were messing around, and I slapped him across the face and asked if he liked it. He responded "Not really"



HAHAHAHA. So good.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 2, 2010)

Esther said:


> Melian. I just want to start my response off by saying.... you rule.
> 
> I once pretended to pass out during sex to see if my boyfriend would still finish. He did!!!



HAHAHAHA, I'm not sure what to make of this?


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## Zowie (Sep 2, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> HAHAHAHA, I'm not sure what to make of this?



...says the guy who wants to hump a sleeping woman's face.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 2, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> ...says the guy who wants to hump a sleeping woman's face.



Army outfit?


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## Zowie (Sep 2, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> Army outfit?



As I watch you hump her face? Only if I can have Paquito and the trifle next to me.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 2, 2010)

bionic_eggplant said:


> As I watch you hump her face? Only if I can have Paquito and the trifle next to me.



no no, you army outfit + Melian +Trifle + No Paquito


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 2, 2010)

or THIS!!!!


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## Zowie (Sep 2, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> no no, you army outfit + Melian +Trifle + No Paquito



I'm getting the short end of this deal. No way.


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## LovesBigMen (Sep 2, 2010)

Esther said:


> Melian. I just want to start my response off by saying.... you rule.
> 
> I once pretended to pass out during sex to see if my boyfriend would still finish. He did!!!



How did I miss this :O
awesome hahahhaha


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## lovelocs (Sep 3, 2010)

Sock fetish. Pigtail fetish. Nothing too weird.


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## Goreki (Sep 3, 2010)

Broke the bed once while having sex with my ex. It collapsed in the corner near our heads. I broke up laughing and tried to get him to keep going, but he wouldn't 

I was really close too, bloody piker.


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## Paquito (Sep 3, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> no no, you army outfit + Melian +Trifle + No Paquito



What the fuck man?


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 3, 2010)

Paquito said:


> What the fuck man?



I don't want you ruinin' my flow.


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## Paquito (Sep 3, 2010)

Sure, I'm the one that mentions Melian's biznatch, contributing to the creation of this incredible discussion, and I get jack shit. 

Suck on my sex life, bitches.


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## FishCharming (Sep 3, 2010)

Paquito said:


> Sure, I'm the one that mentions Melian's biznatch, contributing to the creation of this incredible discussion, and I get jack shit.
> 
> Suck on my sex life, bitches.



wait, are you saying that you've had unprotected sex over 300 times with 15 different men?


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## thirtiesgirl (Sep 3, 2010)

Nothing too weird, really. About the weirdest I get was having sex in an alcove of a goth/EBM club, years ago in my 20s. I was in a short PVC dress and he was dressed like a renaissance faire guy. We'd just met that night and were both apparently so desperately horny and drunk that we went for it in a little hidden alcove near the bathroom area, supposedly where we wouldn't be seen. I'm sure it was obvious to anyone who noticed us that we were doing more than just making out, and up against the wall was damn uncomfortable.

The only other slightly weird one was in the darkroom at my then-boyfriend's work place. He was showing me around after work, and I guess being in close quarters in the darkroom kind of stirred things up. My butt was on the edge of the photo light table (or whatever it's called), and a little uncomfortable, but things were finished pretty quickly.


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## Paquito (Sep 3, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> wait, are you saying that you've had unprotected sex over 300 times with 15 different men?



LOL JK, I'm the one who had sex for a cheeseburger.


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## OneWickedAngel (Sep 3, 2010)

Menage in a tight bathroom stall at an seedy underground club. The playmate behind me thought we (the other playmate and I), hadn't noticed when the stall door opened and a small crowd was watching. We knew, we didn't care.

The club manager was one of the voyeurs. When we were done he made a big show in front of everyone about our disgusting behavior in his "fine" establishment (see "seedy" above). Here's where it gets ...fun


The massive hard-on, that tented his pants, belied the truth of his diatribe. 

Not only were we not evicted, we got free drinks from him the rest of the night.

The same playmates and I went back and did it again two hours later. 

Both times we were in the men's room.

None of us were male.


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## WillSpark (Sep 3, 2010)

OneWickedAngel said:


> Menage in a tight bathroom stall at an seedy underground club. The playmate behind me thought we (the other playmate and I), hadn't noticed when the stall door opened and a small crowd was watching. We knew, we didn't care.
> 
> The club manager was one of the voyeurs. When we were done he made a big show in front of everyone about our disgusting behavior in his "fine" establishment (see "seedy" above). Here's where it gets ...fun
> 
> ...



*ahem*

DAAAAYUUUUUM!


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## Goreki (Sep 3, 2010)

duude, OneWickedAngel, now I understand the insane amount of rep you have


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## LovesBigMen (Sep 3, 2010)

OneWickedAngel said:


> [/LIST]



Oh my haha NICE!haha


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## CastingPearls (Sep 3, 2010)

OneWickedAngel said:


> Menage in a tight bathroom stall at an seedy underground club. The playmate behind me thought we (the other playmate and I), hadn't noticed when the stall door opened and a small crowd was watching. We knew, we didn't care.
> 
> The club manager was one of the voyeurs. When we were done he made a big show in front of everyone about our disgusting behavior in his "fine" establishment (see "seedy" above). Here's where it gets ...fun
> 
> ...


When I grow up I want to be JUST LIKE YOU!


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## thirtiesgirl (Sep 3, 2010)

OneWickedAngel - Best Story Ever. I'm way too inhibited in public to go that far, and I'm really not into the PDA, although I've engaged in it a few times in my younger years.


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## RJI (Sep 3, 2010)

I once had a coil spring from a bed break and jab me in my knee during the deed. It went a good inch into the flesh but I just kept doing the job. When I finished and turned on the light a had a steady squirt of blood shooting from my leg. 

1st thing the girl said was Damn that is a lot of blood.
2nd thing was how impressed she was that I was able to maintain my erection and continue on like nothing happened.

I was like 20 when it happened so all I really cared about was sex back then so no way I was stopping.


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## Amandy (Sep 3, 2010)

This thread is uplifting... I guess I'm not that much of a whore after all.


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## WillSpark (Sep 3, 2010)

I'm a virgin. Now that's a crazy sexual exploit right there let me tell ya.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 3, 2010)

Amandy said:


> This thread is uplifting... I guess I'm not that much of a whore after all.



hahaha, please, go on.


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## freakyfred (Sep 3, 2010)

OneWickedAngel said:


> Menage in a tight bathroom stall at an seedy underground club. The playmate behind me thought we (the other playmate and I), hadn't noticed when the stall door opened and a small crowd was watching. We knew, we didn't care.
> 
> The club manager was one of the voyeurs. When we were done he made a big show in front of everyone about our disgusting behavior in his "fine" establishment (see "seedy" above). Here's where it gets ...fun
> 
> ...


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## OneWickedAngel (Sep 5, 2010)

WillSpark said:


> *ahem*
> 
> DAAAAYUUUUUM!





LovesBigMen said:


> Oh my haha NICE!haha





thirtiesgirl said:


> OneWickedAngel - Best Story Ever. I'm way too inhibited in public to go that far, and I'm really not into the PDA, although I've engaged in it a few times in my younger years.





freakyfred said:


> Citizen Kane Clap.gif


Ah, the sins of my youth (at least the ones I'm willing to publicly own up to).



Goreki said:


> duude, OneWickedAngel, now I understand the insane amount of rep you have


I promise you, that's NOT how I earned them. 



CastingPearls said:


> When I grow up I want to be JUST LIKE YOU!


Wait... does that mean I've grown up?!?! :shock: 



Amandy said:


> This thread is uplifting... I guess I'm not that much of a whore after all.


Awww, you're welcome, honey! 



WillSpark said:


> I'm a virgin. Now that's a crazy sexual exploit right there let me tell ya.


You're in college now; good luck to keeping that grade.



RJI said:


> I once had a coil spring from a bed break and jab me in my knee during the deed. It went a good inch into the flesh but I just kept doing the job. When I finished and turned on the light a had a steady squirt of blood shooting from my leg.
> 
> 1st thing the girl said was Damn that is a lot of blood.
> 2nd thing was how impressed she was that I was able to maintain my erection and continue on like nothing happened.
> ...


Damn! Even at 20 that was hardcore impressive; I'm with the girl on that one!! :bow:


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## Buffetbelly (Sep 5, 2010)

Wow, my experiences can't compare. But I did have sex in public in broad daylight once. Hippie Hollow on Lake Travis, Austin, Texas. People all around, but the relevant parts were submerged. Key thing is that one or actually both partners must serve as a flotation device.


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## RJI (Sep 5, 2010)

I have another. 
One time this girl and I were having awesome drunk sex on the hood of my RX7 (perfect height) and a Cop car pulls behind the building where we were and hits us with the spotlight. He just gets on his loud speaker and tells us to get our shit and GTFO. It was like 5am and I am sure if his shift wasn't about to end he may have messed with us. Only belongings I had where my shorts around my ankles and her bra on my roof. I really do miss the good old College days. 
I've had lots of great sex in outdoor places but this one was good because of the cop catching me.


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## Boris_the_Spider (Sep 7, 2010)

Most of my calamitous sex stories involve things getting broken. A toilet in the mens room at the hotel that was hosting my school prom, my bed when my flatmate though it would be funny to burst into my room whilst we were 'in the act', scaring the living shit out of me and my then girlfriend, who (entirely coincidentally, she claims) broke up with me a week later and three of my toes when, whilst lying back and getting a blowjob, I got a cramp in my hamstring and my leg kicked out. Unfortunately my bed was positioned against the wall and I mashed my toes into it. The scream definitely caught her by surprise 

I've had a few excellent experiences with outdoor sex, one in particular in a public park in Aberdeen, but the disasters as always funnier to read about.


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## occowboysfan94 (Sep 7, 2010)

Well I have 2 that i think were pretty crazy

When i was 21 I had a date that wanted to get real naughty, so I took her to my old church while it was in service I knew about the sound room which has a one way mirror the pastor is preaching and were going at it hot and heavy. We sneak out before the service is over and over the years since my family still goes to that church sometimes I see the pastor and I smile knowing what i did.

About a year later I was at one of my ex's house they were celebrating her parent's 25th anniversary her whole family was there, they were all in the backyard she asked me to help her get the cake from the kitchen she starts grabbing my package we start making out one thing leads to another and i pick her up set her on the counter slide inside of her we go at it for a few minutes and finish, next thing I know I hear clapping from behind me and her parents, sister and uncle and aunt caught us. I have never been more embarrassed in my life not because we caught but the fact that they watched us and let us finish really creeped me out.


I have a few more experience but they are either too explicit, hurt too much to re-tell or are flat out embarrassing.


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## Amandy (Sep 7, 2010)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> hahaha, please, go on.



I meant that...uh... rhetorically.


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## djudex (Sep 8, 2010)

rabbitislove said:


> 1) Last week or so having a cat watch me give a ba-jay. I know thats normal cat behaviour apparently but Im not a cat person



Awww, I wish that could have been getting that ba-jay


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## rabbitislove (Sep 8, 2010)

Thats the nicest thing a guys ever said to me. awww jude :wubu:


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## djudex (Sep 8, 2010)

rabbitislove said:


> Thats the nicest thing a guys ever said to me. awww jude :wubu:



I'm better than I thought!


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