# My mother has breast cancer



## Sandie_Zitkus (Oct 10, 2008)

She just called me and laid that bomb in my lap and I feel stunned. I feel slapped in the face. I hate my mother but this knocked me on my ass. I'm trying to get my thoughts together but I'm not being very successful.

She's been on HRT for like 20 some years. I think that is a big part of it. I'm confused right now.


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## SamanthaNY (Oct 10, 2008)

I'm sorry, Sandie - that's tough news to hear (and this month!), about anyone. Having a controversial relationship with a family member can often make something like this even harder to handle - because emotions get high, but tensions can make it impossible (or unlikely) to be with the person for comfort/sharing/etc. So there's all this feeling - with no outlet. I'm guessing that both you and your mother have a rough road ahead... I hope you can both find support and peace (and for your mother, healing and better health) along the way.


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## squidge dumpling (Oct 10, 2008)

Im sorry to hear of your news Sandie, i hope you can get some support to help you through this, as it must be a very hard time for you. I am not very good with words but sending you a ((((hug))) which i hope might be some help... warm wishes Sheila


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Oct 11, 2008)

thank you ladies.


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## Risible (Oct 11, 2008)

I'm very sorry to hear this bad news, Sandie. It might be helpful if you did a little internet research on breast cancer to see what the most recent treatment options are, and to understand the disease better so that you might know what to expect.

Again, I'm sorry. Your mom ... jeez. You must be shellshocked.


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## moore2me (Oct 11, 2008)

Dear Sandie, 

I am so sorry to hear about your mother being diagnosed with breast cancer. You must be devastated about this. (I know I would.) You will have to be strong now and help her thru this thing. This is one of the hard parts of growing up. Take care of yourself first in order to take care of her.

I hate to bring this up now, knowing you have a full plate with your mom and your Booth, but somehow the need may arise for the info. The best way to find breast cancer at a treatable stage is by mammography. They can detect a cancer twice as small with a mammogram as you can with a self exam. That much of an advance warning can save your life. I know you said you had fibrous breasts and traditional mammography hurt you too much. I looked around the internet and found a few alternatives this morning. They are listed below. The reason why this is important is that when your mom has breast cancer, you are twice as likely to get it yourself.

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From: http://www.cancer.gov/bcrisktool/breast-cancer-risk.aspx

Breast cancer may also be caused by inherited gene mutations. Hereditary breast cancers account for approximately 5% to 10% of all breast cancers. Specific hereditary predispositions for breast cancer, such as inheriting a mutation in either the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene, are not taken into account in risk estimates with the Breast Cancer Risk Assessment Tool. Although the tool performs well in clinics where women have a strong family history of breast cancer, more specific methods for projecting risk are appropriate if a woman is known to carry a breast cancer-producing mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2.

From: http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/guide/overview-risks-breast-cancer

Direct family history. Having a mother, sister or daughter ("first degree" relative) who has breast cancer puts you at higher risk for the disease. 
Having one first-degree relative with breast cancer approximately doubles a woman's risk

Breast cancer tests other than Mammography:

(1)  Molecular breast imaging (MBI)http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNe...cer_MBI_080903/20080903?s_name=medExpress2007

(2) Ultrasound  
http://breastcancer.about.com/od/mammograms/ig/Mammogram-Images/Normal-Dense-Breast-Tissue.htm

(3) MRI and PET  
From http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/detection/screening-mammograms

The NCI is supporting the development of several new technologies to detect breast tumors. This research ranges from methods being developed in research labs to those that have reached clinical trials. Efforts to improve conventional mammography include digital mammography (see Question 14), *magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), and positron emission tomography (PET scanning). *

In addition to imaging technologies, NCI-supported scientists are exploring methods to detect markers ( genetic traits) of breast cancer in blood, urine, or nipple aspirates (fluid from the breast) that may serve as early warning signals for breast cancer. The NCI fact sheet Improving Methods for Breast Cancer Detection and Diagnosis provides more information about technologies that are under development for breast cancer screening and diagnosis. This fact sheet is available at 

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Detection/breast-cancer on the Internet.


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## imfree (Oct 11, 2008)

Sandie, you and your Mom have my 
healing thoughts and prayers.


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## DeniseW (Oct 11, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear that....(((((hugs)))))


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## Miss Vickie (Oct 11, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, Sandie. You must be feeling really... conflicted. I had the same response when I heard about my brother's illness. So much unresolved "stuff" -- it's hard to know how you're supposed to feel. 

I really hope that you can find some peace in this, in whatever shape that takes.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Oct 12, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear this. I wish you and your Mother the best.


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## SupaSexi (Oct 13, 2008)

Sorry, you have to deal with this. I wish you and your mom the best in coping with this. BIG HUGS


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## kathynoon (Oct 17, 2008)

You are both in my prayers. I remember how hard it was when my parents were seriously ill.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 3, 2008)

Thank you everyone. Mom goes for a lumpectomy on November 11th. Them probably radiation.

Still confused about what I should be feeling - I'm actually feeling nothing.

*shrug*


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## Tina (Nov 3, 2008)

I've been around so little, working on my jewelry and etsy store, so I'm sorry to have missed this until now, Sandie. I don't think you should feel that you must feel a certain way, and maybe feeling nothing is a protective measure for you, and a good thing, given the circumstances.


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## kinkykitten (Nov 3, 2008)

So sorry to hear that... it's tough, i know as my Mom was diagnosed with Luekemia last week, I'm still trying to get my head around it too. 

Wish you and your mother the best


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## steely (Nov 3, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear this,for what it's worth they've come a long way in treating breast cancer.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 3, 2008)

Thank you everyone. The thing is - my mother and I have a strained relationship, at best, and now she wants my sypathy and support and I'm not exactly interested in doing that. I know how harsh that sounds but my parents were abusive people and I don't want to be involved any more than I have to anymore.

So you see, it's complicated.


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## Tina (Nov 4, 2008)

Sandie, I don't think you should be guilted into feeling like you should comfort a mother who caused you so much pain. I don't mean this in a retribution kind of way, but we do truly reap what we sow. Had she been a kind and loving mother, I haven't one scintilla of doubt that you would be right there, holding her hand and giving her loving support. But that wasn't your experience.

Society too often tells us how we should act; I believe you should act in a way that feels natural and right _to you_.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 4, 2008)

Tina said:


> Sandie, I don't think you should be guilted into feeling like you should comfort a mother who caused you so much pain. I don't mean this in a retribution kind of way, but we do truly reap what we sow. Had she been a kind and loving mother, I haven't one scintilla of doubt that you would be right there, holding her hand and giving her loving support. But that wasn't your experience.
> 
> Society too often tells us how we should act; I believe you should act in a way that feels natural and right _to you_.



Thank you Tina - you always get me and know what to say. I'm confused about what I feel right now. When I had my gall bladder out I didn't get a phone call, a card, nothing from my folks. And I was really sick. It didn't hurt because it was just one more thing ya know? I got 3 phone calls while in the hospital - My buddy Paul called to make sure I was OK. And before I was out of recovery Jessica and Ella called to check with Wayne about me.

I guess that's why I feel numb, it's just one more thing.


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## goofy girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Tina said:


> Sandie, I don't think you should be guilted into feeling like you should comfort a mother who caused you so much pain. I don't mean this in a retribution kind of way, but we do truly reap what we sow. Had she been a kind and loving mother, I haven't one scintilla of doubt that you would be right there, holding her hand and giving her loving support. But that wasn't your experience.
> 
> Society too often tells us how we should act; I believe you should act in a way that feels natural and right _to you_.





Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Thank you Tina - you always get me and know what to say. I'm confused about what I feel right now. When I had my gall bladder out I didn't get a phone call, a card, nothing from my folks. And I was really sick. It didn't hurt because it was just one more thing ya know? I got 3 phone calls while in the hospital - My buddy Paul called to make sure I was OK. And before I was out of recovery Jessica and Ella called to check with Wayne about me.
> 
> I guess that's why I feel numb, it's just one more thing.



I completely agree with Tina, but I am going to add that while you shouldn't feel obligated to take care of your Mom, or have certain feelings or anything, just try to think about how you'll feel if you do lose her and you haven't reached out to her. I lost my father last June, and while he and I weren't necessarily close, I still paid as many of his bills as I could for him, visited when I could and called often (every day)....and I still feel like I should have done more.

If you don't feel like you can be there for your Mom, do you feel like maybe you could drop a card to her in the mail every now and then? That way you'd be reaching out to her, without having to actually BE there. 

I hope I'm making sense (it's 5am..never a good time for me to post lol), and I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Sending white light and good thoughts to you.


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## Miss Vickie (Nov 4, 2008)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Thank you everyone. The thing is - my mother and I have a strained relationship, at best, and now she wants my sypathy and support and I'm not exactly interested in doing that. I know how harsh that sounds but my parents were abusive people and I don't want to be involved any more than I have to anymore.
> 
> So you see, it's complicated.



I'm sorry, Sandie. I completely understand how you feel. It was similar with my brother when he was hospitalized. Although he couldn't talk, his girlfriend was pressuring me to care for him monetarily and to call and be involved and I just couldn't do it. It was bad enough that I was the medical power of attorney for someone who abused and tried to kill me.  Like you, I felt numb and I still pretty much feel numb. Even after he died, I was numb except for a little while when I felt huge rage and pain. But then it was back to blessed numbness again.

You have the right and responsibility to do what you can to protect yourself. If you can't give her what she wants, that's okay. You have to take care of *you*. I'm sure she won't make it easy for you, and it's in her best interest to pretend that things are fine between you. I'm sure she's scared and wants support. But you know, in my opinion there are consequences for our actions and after what she's put you through, you not wanting to be closely involved is a reasonable consequence.

Take care, Sandie. I know this must be really difficult for you and you will probably go through a lot of emotions as time passes. That's okay. Just be gentle with yourself and don't do anything that will cause you even more pain.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 4, 2008)

Thank you so much Vickie. Your words are comforting. 





Miss Vickie said:


> I'm sorry, Sandie. I completely understand how you feel. It was similar with my brother when he was hospitalized. Although he couldn't talk, his girlfriend was pressuring me to care for him monetarily and to call and be involved and I just couldn't do it. It was bad enough that I was the medical power of attorney for someone who abused and tried to kill me.  Like you, I felt numb and I still pretty much feel numb. Even after he died, I was numb except for a little while when I felt huge rage and pain. But then it was back to blessed numbness again.
> 
> You have the right and responsibility to do what you can to protect yourself. If you can't give her what she wants, that's okay. You have to take care of *you*. I'm sure she won't make it easy for you, and it's in her best interest to pretend that things are fine between you. I'm sure she's scared and wants support. But you know, in my opinion there are consequences for our actions and after what she's put you through, you not wanting to be closely involved is a reasonable consequence.
> 
> Take care, Sandie. I know this must be really difficult for you and you will probably go through a lot of emotions as time passes. That's okay. Just be gentle with yourself and don't do anything that will cause you even more pain.


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## Ruffie (Nov 5, 2008)

Sandie I agree with Goofy when she said have some contact. I had an aunt who was abusive to me and caused all kinds of chaos in my life. When I heard she was sick I sent her cards in the hospital and nursing home to wish her well. I didn't go and visit cause she had told me she never wanted to see me again along with many other verball assaults. I Never heard a word from her back, but sent em anyways. When she died it was called upon me have her cremated and sent East to the "good neice" to be buried and pack up her room at the nursing home for the same neice. When doing so I found tucked in the desk drawer all the cards I had sent her. SHe had kept them so I know that they did mean something to her even though she could not acknowlege me or the kindnesses I gave her in the past. It gave me an odd sense of comfort that I had reached out to her. It might do the same for you?
Ruth


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 5, 2008)

No I'm not going to do that right now. Believe me it's best.





Ruffie said:


> Sandie I agree with Goofy when she said have some contact. I had an aunt who was abusive to me and caused all kinds of chaos in my life. When I heard she was sick I sent her cards in the hospital and nursing home to wish her well. I didn't go and visit cause she had told me she never wanted to see me again along with many other verball assaults. I Never heard a word from her back, but sent em anyways. When she died it was called upon me have her cremated and sent East to the "good neice" to be buried and pack up her room at the nursing home for the same neice. When doing so I found tucked in the desk drawer all the cards I had sent her. SHe had kept them so I know that they did mean something to her even though she could not acknowlege me or the kindnesses I gave her in the past. It gave me an odd sense of comfort that I had reached out to her. It might do the same for you?
> Ruth


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## Tina (Nov 6, 2008)

I totally understand your position, Sandie. In a position like this, I sometimes look down the road and think, "when this person dies, what will I wish I would have done?" The answer to that usually drives my action. It's you and only you who lived through your life, and only you who knows what feels right, and what you can do that you will feel right with down the road.


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