# too big for normal club not big enough for the bashes



## bbwpimp (Sep 30, 2008)

I have a friend I have known for years, she is rather large(more of a plumper) but it takes the form of an hour glass, she is what I call thick, or what my grandfather called "a bizkut away from fat".
she does not get much love at must night clubs (exept from the ghetto types) but she went to a bash thinking things would be different and it was the women waaaayyyy bigger than her that got all the love.
have any of you ladies went through this?
She has also tried online dating but she looks smaller in her pics so guys are suprised when they meet face to face, she is like a hispanic kellygrll, you know thin face big body, though she is not as big as kelly, more of a queen latifa size with kim kardashions ass thrown in.
any good responces I will E-mail to her.
also I'd like to know how you bbw's and ssbbw's view plumpers.


----------



## No-No-Badkitty (Sep 30, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> any good responces I will E-mail to her.
> also I'd like to know how you bbw's and ssbbw's view plumpers.




Tell her to join up here. I think she will be pleasantly surprised.


----------



## Nutella (Sep 30, 2008)

It's funny because I have a friend in that same situation too!
She's claims to be too big for the 'regular' clubs and too small for the plus size ones!
I still drag her ass out with me though when we go to the curvy ones here in Canada


----------



## Rowan (Sep 30, 2008)

I dont think there is any such thing as too small for the bbw clubs, because in that case...skinny men wouldnt be welcome either!

I know that its hard to break into the BBW scene sometimes, because it can been seen as a bit cliqukey, and it can be sometimes, but getting to know people online first who go to bashes, that certainly helps. Of course like any other social function in the world, one must be confident and willing to put themselves out there!


----------



## Tad (Sep 30, 2008)

I think it may depend on what she wants out of the experience.....

If she wants to be able to enjoy dancing without people giving her disaproving glances, then some normal clubs would probably be fine, as most likely would a lot of plus sizes events (although I've seen some thinner women write that they had unwelcome stares when they went to plus sized parties, but I don't know how common that is).

But what if she wants the experience of feeling totally hot and sexy, showing off on the dance floor knowing that guys won't be able to take their eyes off of her? In that case yah, it is probably a lot harder. Guys who go to most normal clubs won't be there looking for the thicker ladies, because you don't see a lot of them there. On the other hand, of the guys who go to plus sizes events, how many like a broad range of sizes versus how many only really like the bigger sizes? I've not been to any so I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised if again those who are thick but not all that fat might find themselves kind of overlooked again.

I'm sure there are lots of guys who think she's the perfect size, but I don't know where you'd find them gathered in one place to bedazzle?


----------



## olwen (Sep 30, 2008)

If she's having trouble meeting men, I dunno, maybe she could try getting involved in other things, instead of going clubbing all the time. Know what I mean? After a while the club scene gets boring anyway, even the bbw ones. Plus, who wants to listen to crappy music all the time? Meh. As for the dating sites, maybe she should make it clear to the men she meets that she looks a certain way so they won't be surprised.

I honestly have troulbe with this phenomenon: Too fat to be skinny but not fat enough to be fat. Seems a bit absurd to me that there is such a classification, as it just begs the question, "Well what _is _fat?" The answer of course is never ever quite so clear cut.

Anyhow, I know quite a few guys who would prefer a woman your friend's size. They'd call it just right. But then anyone would call what they like just right. I'd tell your friend not to sweat it much. There will be guys out there who will be attracted to her the way she is. Dunno, maybe if we all saw ourselves as just right, no matter what we look like....


----------



## bbwpimp (Sep 30, 2008)

Yes I understand that, hell if I did not know her so well I would ask her out myself( I know too much about her lol).
As I dont really go by size, I'm more focused on shape.
if a girl is pearshaped or hour glass I'm diggin her. at any size I was sprung on a girl once who was 46-41-59 and 5ft11 and I'm 6ft5.
And that girl caught hell at a local BBW club even from women smaller than her who did not view her as a real bbw.



olwen said:


> If she's having trouble meeting men, I dunno, maybe she could try getting involved in other things, instead of going clubbing all the time. Know what I mean? After a while the club scene gets boring anyway, even the bbw ones. Plus, who wants to listen to crappy music all the time? Meh. As for the dating sites, maybe she should make it clear to the men she meets that she looks a certain way so they won't be surprised.
> 
> I honestly have troulbe with this phenomenon: Too fat to be skinny but not fat enough to be fat. Seems a bit absurd to me that there is such a classification, as it just begs the question, "Well what _is _fat?" The answer of course is never ever quite so clear cut.
> 
> Anyhow, I know quite a few guys who would prefer a woman your friend's size. They'd call it just right. But then anyone would call what they like just right. I'd tell your friend not to sweat it much. There will be guys out there who will be attracted to her the way she is. Dunno, maybe if we all saw ourselves as just right, no matter what we look like....


----------



## olwen (Sep 30, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> Yes I understand that, hell if I did not know her so well I would ask her out myself( I know too much about her lol).
> As I dont really go by size, I'm more focused on shape.
> if a girl is pearshaped or hour glass I'm diggin her. at any size I was sprung on a girl once who was 46-41-59 and 5ft11 and I'm 6ft5.
> And that girl caught hell at a local BBW club even from women smaller than her who did not view her as a real bbw.



Could it be that she rubbed them all the wrong way for reasons other than her appearance? Just throwin that out there. 

I'd think the only way I (as a bigger woman) would be pissed off is if she started talking about how fat she is and how much trouble she has as a fat girl and solidarity this and that....it would make me think, well, if she thinks she's fat, what the hell am I? How dare she be jealous or pissed that more men would approach me than her in the *only* place where I KNOW the guys do want to approach me...even at a regular club how many guys would pick her over me cause she is smaller...Fuck this skinny bitch. 

I know it's mean, but that's honestly what I would think. I'd be civil to her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice to a girl who can't see the big picture or be happy with herself the way she is. I just do not want to listen to a woman who's hundreds of pounds smaller than me talk about how fat she is. The only way I would excuse it is if she had been my size and lost the weight and hasn't adjusted yet. Harsh, but true.

I can't really speak for the smaller girls, but maybe the fact that she is a bit bigger than them would make them see how ridiculous they are being about how they see themselves and it pisses them off.....I dunno. The one thing I do know is how relative all this fat stuff is. My skinny is someone else's fat and vice versa. It's just plain weird.


----------



## No-No-Badkitty (Sep 30, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> Yes I understand that, hell if I did not know her so well I would ask her out myself( I know too much about her lol).




Well...usually before you marry someone you know everything (you hope) about them too....


I don't think knowing her is a bad thing...if you dig her..ask her out.


----------



## bbwpimp (Sep 30, 2008)

I dig her friend wise, and yes she's hot, but like I said I know too much, plus I'm already dating someone.


----------



## bbwpimp (Sep 30, 2008)

olwen said:


> Could it be that she rubbed them all the wrong way for reasons other than her appearance? Just throwin that out there.
> 
> I'd think the only way I (as a bigger woman) would be pissed off is if she started talking about how fat she is and how much trouble she has as a fat girl and solidarity this and that....it would make me think, well, if she thinks she's fat, what the hell am I? How dare she be jealous or pissed that more men would approach me than her in the *only* place where I KNOW the guys do want to approach me...even at a regular club how many guys would pick her over me cause she is smaller...Fuck this skinny bitch.
> 
> ...


I

I can see your point, the fat thing is relitive, my exwife had a sister who went through a major depression back when she was in highschool, she moved from ohio to texas on her sophmore year, and she was a little chubby, but in ohio she was average infact she was shaply so she was in the populer group, well in dallas she was viewed as fat because dallas has an abundance of rail thin preppy types in the highschool she went to, though it was prolly social justic because my ex wife said she used to treat others bad when she lived in ohio.
also if you go someplace like LA where all the barbies from everywhere else go to be waitresses----.... eeeeerrrr I mean actresses 30lbs over weight is viewed like 200lbs overweight would be viewed anywhere else.

oh and whats wrong with a smaller BBW wanting to fellowship with other bbws? they face most of the same issues socially dont they?
they are still passed ove at the reguler clubs in favor of girls who are size zero.


----------



## mediaboy (Sep 30, 2008)

Chubby girls, especially apple and pear shaped ones (in my experience) seem to self loath a lot. They usually want to be skinny and have no curves at all. If you meet one at a bar nine times out of ten she get really creeped out by the fact they you think she looks better than all the other girls in the room. Or when you kiss her and grab the muffin top/belly.

Its a damn shame too, chubby girls fucking cute.


----------



## bbwpimp (Sep 30, 2008)

Maybe because they dont get as much acceptance from either group.


----------



## moniquessbbw (Sep 30, 2008)

This is why The Butterfly Lounge is called a Size Acceptance club. All shapes and sizes are welcome...


----------



## olwen (Sep 30, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> Maybe because they dont get as much acceptance from either group.



Not for nothin but we all have to learn to accept ourselves. No on else can give that to you. It has to come from within. You could have 6000 people tell you how wonderful you are, but if you don't believe it...


----------



## LalaCity (Oct 1, 2008)

In my opinion, "plumper," if that refers to one who is moderately chubby or plump, is within the BBW spectrum. I dare say there a probably quite a few "plumpers" who belong to this community. I would like to think they are just as accepted by their larger sisters as any other BBW here. 

But, yeah -- the club scene tends to be pretty disappointing for a lot of people, for quite a lot of reasons. And it's true -- thick girls are ignored at "regular" clubs for being too big but are then mostly overlooked by men who go to BBW bashes. But, rest assured, there are a lot of guys out there who love women in her size range -- we've had a number of threads here which attest to that. Sadly, they don't seem to gather at the typical clubs, perhaps because they don't expect to see anything but thin women there so they lose interest. And I agree -- it would be great if BBW clubs and bashes were a bit more plumper-friendly.


----------



## bbwpimp (Oct 1, 2008)

lala, you are a wise woman, we need more like you.


----------



## gangstadawg (Oct 1, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> lala, you are a wise woman, we need more like you.


yep she is one of the wise ones.


----------



## WhiteHotRazor (Oct 1, 2008)

LalaCity said:


> But, rest assured, there are a lot of guys out there who love women in her size rangey.



yea I really love women in that size range, that's my personal preference but up or down in size isn't a bad thing either


----------



## olwen (Oct 1, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> I
> 
> I can see your point, the fat thing is relitive, my exwife had a sister who went through a major depression back when she was in highschool, she moved from ohio to texas on her sophmore year, and she was a little chubby, but in ohio she was average infact she was shaply so she was in the populer group, well in dallas she was viewed as fat because dallas has an abundance of rail thin preppy types in the highschool she went to, though it was prolly social justic because my ex wife said she used to treat others bad when she lived in ohio.
> also if you go someplace like LA where all the barbies from everywhere else go to be waitresses----.... eeeeerrrr I mean actresses 30lbs over weight is viewed like 200lbs overweight would be viewed anywhere else.
> ...



I didn't see this post last night or I would have responded then.

So to answer your questions, theres nothing wrong with fellowship in and of itself. Yes and no. 

The bottom line is that someone who weighs 170lbs-200lbs is going to have a very different experience from someone who weighs 300+lbs. I saw how much difference those pounds make in the way people treated me after I lost some of it, and I still weigh over 300lbs. Its not insignificant. There are more quality of life/daily life issues to consider besides being rejected at a night club. When all of those are taken together, Im sorry, but, the reality is a woman who weighs considerably less than me is gonna have an easier time than me. Theres no dancing around that issue. Its just a fact. She can do a lot of things I cant. So like I said before, if a smaller bbw wants to talk to me and be friendly, okay fine. But the minute she starts to tell me about how hard she has it as a fat woman, sorry but, the eyes are gonna roll or the eyebrow is gonna raise up, and Ill think, if shes gonna complain about the body shes in now, what would she say if she were my size? Its just not something I want to hear. Understand? Its like maybe asking a paraplegic to compare notes with a quadriplegic. Do you see the difference?


----------



## exile in thighville (Oct 1, 2008)

bbwpimp said:


> I have a friend I have known for years, she is rather large(more of a plumper) but it takes the form of an hour glass, she is what I call thick, or what my grandfather called "a bizkut away from fat".
> she does not get much love at must night clubs (exept from the ghetto types) but she went to a bash thinking things would be different and it was the women waaaayyyy bigger than her that got all the love.
> have any of you ladies went through this?
> She has also tried online dating but she looks smaller in her pics so guys are suprised when they meet face to face, she is like a hispanic kellygrll, you know thin face big body, though she is not as big as kelly, more of a queen latifa size with kim kardashions ass thrown in.
> ...



she should try http://www.curvage.com in addition to here, as there's a high concentration of "in-between" admirers. but yeah, i don't see why she couldn't post this herself. then again, you are the "bbw pimp."


----------



## ashmamma84 (Oct 1, 2008)

Maybe your friend should just go (if she decides she wants to) and just try to focus on having a good time. People are going to hate on you regardless, fat or thin or in between. It's sad that alot of women are insecure; we could really be having a ball and even building some lasting friendships. The size of someone's ass is the last thing we need to be bickering or judging about...especially when, we hate how its done to us.

And the truth is, no one knows what it feels like to be in another person's body. If I was 125lbs and gained to 215 lbs, that would take some serious getting used to; not just mentally, but adjusting physically too. It's not always that a person has to be at some extreme weight to notice mobility issues and such.


----------



## DeerVictory (Oct 2, 2008)

exile in thighville said:


> i don't see why she couldn't post this herself. then again, you are the "bbw pimp."



Just makin' sure he gets his 20%? Wouldn't want any girls to get out of line.


----------



## adriantcu (Oct 3, 2008)

Raegan said:


> Just makin' sure he gets his 20%? Wouldn't want any girls to get out of line.



Those were the lines of the day!

Just my two cents:

Having been in the scene for a long time (over ten years) I would say that there are a lot of women in the "tweener" category. I personally try to avoid categorizing and putting labels on women, yet my existence here at least acknowledges that I do this to some extent.

I think many women see "bbw" or whatever term you want to use as a label which "officially" makes them one thing or another. Many women see this as a negative thing. Some see it as a positive or accepting moniker.

I simply think that this is a community of (majority) open minded people who are accepting of each other and their beliefs and ideals. If someone is on the fence about attending an event, I would try to convince them to go to one, experience it, then make a final decision about what is right or wrong.

Many people are turned off by the atmosphere at some of the events or parties. Many people are excited and amped up about meeting people with similar feelings or backgrounds. I have had feelings of both depending on the culture of the people attending and my attitude towards it. My advice would be to go for it, then at least you'll know!


----------



## TraciJo67 (Oct 3, 2008)

olwen said:


> .... the reality is a woman who weighs considerably less than me is gonna have an easier time than me. Theres no dancing around that issue. Its just a fact. She can do a lot of things I cant. So like I said before, if a smaller bbw wants to talk to me and be friendly, okay fine. But the minute she starts to tell me about how hard she has it as a fat woman, sorry but, the eyes are gonna roll or the eyebrow is gonna raise up, and Ill think, if shes gonna complain about the body shes in now, what would she say if she were my size? Its just not something I want to hear. Understand? Its like maybe asking a paraplegic to compare notes with a quadriplegic. Do you see the difference?



I have two very close friends who are average-sized. We get together for a weekly stroll/jog around Lake Harriet during the warmer months, and have done so for years. Both are unhappy with their weight, more particularly with the inevitable toll that age is taking on the shape of their bodies. I can remember at each walk, feeling eye-rollingly impatient with them as I listened to litanies of "I'm so fat" and slight variations thereof. 

Then I realized that what bothered me wasn't what I perceived to be their general cluelessness - it was that I felt they were being extremely vain, and fishing for reassurance/compliments. Once I realized that wasn't the case -- they are both genuinely uncomfortable with what *they* perceive to be glaring imperfections -- I was a lot less impatient and a lot more understanding. OK, it is vain. There's a lot more to life than worrying about an extra 10 pounds or sagging breasts. But then, I don't get to choose what matters (or should matter) to other people. 

I try not to use my own experiences as a litmus test for how I judge other people (I try ... mostly, I fail miserably ), because it's really not fair to them. What genuinely distresses me, may seem trivial to other people. That doesn't mean that it's any less real to me. 

I understand what you are trying to say, Olwen. When I was a larger woman, I suspected that some very average-sized people would moan and carry on about how "fat" they were as an underhanded way of insulting me .... or, even if that weren't specifically case, it was just such a clueless thing to do. But then, I can't underestimate how much pressure we feel as women to be "perfect" like the size 0 models in Glamour magazine. God forbid we have a fat roll (or two, or two dozen). 

As an aside, I just returned from a 3-week "vacation" to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I am a typically American "average" sized woman (size 8-10) and felt like a giant of Brobdingnag visiting the land of the Lilliputians while I was there. I walked into a Giordano shop and was summarily informed by a snotty little twig of a salesgirl that they don't carry clothes in "your size" and that I should try Marks & Spencer, a retailer that carries "XL and XXL" clothes. I thanked her for her "help" and, in a spirit of sharing, informed her that my BIL is a plastic surgeon and could hook her up with a great discount on a nose job


----------



## olwen (Oct 3, 2008)

Traci, it's more than a general cluenessless. There is just an assumption that our struggles are even, that I must understand what she's going thru just because we're both fat. My feeling is, I do understand what a smaller bbw goes thru, but if they've never been a ssbbw they have no idea what I've gone thru. When I try to explain it, it's sometimes hard for them to grasp. There's a disconnect and it's frustrating. 

Something I hate to talk about is where to shop for clothes. Some well meaning smaller bbw will say, oh but you can go there and there and there. 

No, no, and no. 

Then she'll talk about how hard it is for her to find clothes. Size 16 or 18 harder than 28 or 32. I don't think so. Sure every body has trouble finding the perfect whatever, but a size 18 can still find clothes they like that fit. It's not the same as wearing something just because it's the only thing that fits. I hated my wardrobe when I was a size 32. None of it was me, but it fit. Can a smaller bbw really relate to that? Can she really commiserate with me? 

I get sick of having that conversation. I have given up trying to explain it. That's just one of the things that I just don't have patience for. Sure we're both fat, but it's just not the same. Why should a smaller bbw feel bad about that?


----------



## Fascinita (Oct 3, 2008)

Hey, special request... sorry to interrupt.

Could we stop referring to non-BBW clubs as "normal" clubs and "regular" clubs?

If we're going to have to note the difference by making one a negative against the positive other term, can we arbitrarily err in our own favor?

Better yet, how about we take the "normal" out of it? How about BBW clubs and non-BBW clubs? That's still one negative against a positive, but at least I'm not being asked to be the fat poster girl for abnormality in that phrasing. Or whatever. So long as fat women don't again end up on the wrong side of the semantic shtick?

I for one will not call myself "abnormal" or "irregular."


----------



## ashmamma84 (Oct 3, 2008)

olwen said:


> Traci, it's more than a general cluenessless. There is just an assumption that our struggles are even, that I must understand what she's going thru just because we're both fat. My feeling is, I do understand what a smaller bbw goes thru, but if they've never been a ssbbw they have no idea what I've gone thru. When I try to explain it, it's sometimes hard for them to grasp. There's a disconnect and it's frustrating.
> 
> Something I hate to talk about is where to shop for clothes. Some well meaning smaller bbw will say, oh but you can go there and there and there.
> 
> ...



It definitely isn't about feeling bad -- you can't really help the body you're in.

But isn't that assuming alot on the smaller bbw's part? I am not SS, and while I won't even begin to pretend I understand being that size, my fellow SS woman has no idea what I know in terms of where to find clothes, shoes, etc. Just because I'm not a size 30/32+ doesn't mean I couldn't plausibly help women that where those sizes -- in fact, I've done it before. Sometimes your help can come from the least likely of places is all I'm saying...

I agree with you - the choices for clothing dwindle the larger you are, but painting smaller bbw with a broad brush isn't helpful 
either.

Question -- does it matter where you are getting help from as long as you are getting help you need?


----------



## TraciJo67 (Oct 3, 2008)

olwen said:


> Traci, it's more than a general cluenessless. There is just an assumption that our struggles are even, that I must understand what she's going thru just because we're both fat. My feeling is, I do understand what a smaller bbw goes thru, but if they've never been a ssbbw they have no idea what I've gone thru. When I try to explain it, it's sometimes hard for them to grasp. There's a disconnect and it's frustrating.
> 
> Something I hate to talk about is where to shop for clothes. Some well meaning smaller bbw will say, oh but you can go there and there and there.
> 
> ...




I've never been a SSBBW, but I do understand at least *some* of the issues of living in a larger body. But aside from my own experience, I wouldn't discount someone's input (or feelings) because he or she doesn't live mine. 

I don't feel bad that I can't fully understand your perspective, Olwen (though I have experienced the challenge of finding clothing to fit my very apple-shaped body ... at my highest weight, I couldn't fit into the largest pant size found in most plus-size stores - very, very frustrating at times). I wouldn't pretend to know how it feels to be an SSBBW ... or black, or a man, or a Jew, or an 84-year-old widow, for that matter  Then again, I don't think that I have to understand in order to have some empathy, and that comes from facing my own unique challenges. They may not match yours, but I know what it feels like to struggle, and to stand outside of the so-called 'mainstream'. 

I wouldn't assume that other people wouldn't 'get' my challenges simply because they haven't lived them. That's all I'm trying to say ... in my typical 10,000 words when 10 would do kinda way


----------



## No-No-Badkitty (Oct 3, 2008)

olwen said:


> Then she'll talk about how hard it is for her to find clothes. Size 16 or 18 harder than 28 or 32. I don't think so. Sure every body has trouble finding the perfect whatever, but a size 18 can still find clothes they like that fit. It's not the same as wearing something just because it's the only thing that fits. I hated my wardrobe when I was a size 32. None of it was me, but it fit. Can a smaller bbw really relate to that? Can she really commiserate with me?




Body shape makes it really hard to find clothes too.
I normally wear a size 24...I went to find me a new pair of jeans today and I tried on about 8 different pairs of jeans, multiple styles and none fit even remotely. 26 was too big, 24 too small or if the 24 fit it fit in the butt and not the waste and if in the waste I couldn't get it over my thighs (yay for humongo thighs).
So.....even more than just wait...body style can make clothes shopping a huge problem. I just need a fat ass bitch store and I will be a-ok, but unfortnately no one cause quite caught onto the idea yet.


----------



## olwen (Oct 3, 2008)

TraciJo67 said:


> I've never been a SSBBW, but I do understand at least *some* of the issues of living in a larger body. But aside from my own experience, I wouldn't discount someone's input (or feelings) because he or she doesn't live mine.
> 
> I don't feel bad that I can't fully understand your perspective, Olwen (though I have experienced the challenge of finding clothing to fit my very apple-shaped body ... at my highest weight, I couldn't fit into the largest pant size found in most plus-size stores - very, very frustrating at times). I wouldn't pretend to know how it feels to be an SSBBW ... or black, or a man, or a Jew, or an 84-year-old widow, for that matter  Then again, I don't think that I have to understand in order to have some empathy, and that comes from facing my own unique challenges. They may not match yours, but I know what it feels like to struggle, and to stand outside of the so-called 'mainstream'.
> 
> I wouldn't assume that other people wouldn't 'get' my challenges simply because they haven't lived them. That's all I'm trying to say ... in my typical 10,000 words when 10 would do kinda way



What you say is all valid up to a point...look, it's not just about clothes. How do I explain this...I've had enough of these conversations where a smaller bbw tries to talk about how our lives are so similar just because we're both fat. The fact is the quality of our lives is profoundly different and that's something that smaller bbws sometimes don't seem to get, even when I try to explain it. They see problems where I don't or they see similarities where I don't and trying to explain why I don't, and seeing that they still don't always see why...It's frustrating, and I end up annoyed. 

I'm a smoker. I've been thru the nicotine withdrawl. Sucks, but I wouldn't say to a recovering junky, bro, I feel you. Clearly a junkie's withdrawal is worse, there's no point trying to compare notes, and I wouldn't try to be all buddy buddy with one just based on that alone. It seems like an offensive thing to do.


----------



## kayrae (Oct 3, 2008)

I agree wholeheartedly.



TraciJo67 said:


> I've never been a SSBBW, but I do understand at least *some* of the issues of living in a larger body. But aside from my own experience, I wouldn't discount someone's input (or feelings) because he or she doesn't live mine.
> 
> I don't feel bad that I can't fully understand your perspective, Olwen (though I have experienced the challenge of finding clothing to fit my very apple-shaped body ... at my highest weight, I couldn't fit into the largest pant size found in most plus-size stores - very, very frustrating at times). I wouldn't pretend to know how it feels to be an SSBBW ... or black, or a man, or a Jew, or an 84-year-old widow, for that matter  Then again, I don't think that I have to understand in order to have some empathy, and that comes from facing my own unique challenges. They may not match yours, but I know what it feels like to struggle, and to stand outside of the so-called 'mainstream'.
> 
> I wouldn't assume that other people wouldn't 'get' my challenges simply because they haven't lived them. That's all I'm trying to say ... in my typical 10,000 words when 10 would do kinda way


----------



## olwen (Oct 3, 2008)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> Body shape makes it really hard to find clothes too.
> I normally wear a size 24...I went to find me a new pair of jeans today and I tried on about 8 different pairs of jeans, multiple styles and none fit even remotely. 26 was too big, 24 too small or if the 24 fit it fit in the butt and not the waste and if in the waste I couldn't get it over my thighs (yay for humongo thighs).
> So.....even more than just wait...body style can make clothes shopping a huge problem. I just need a fat ass bitch store and I will be a-ok, but unfortnately no one cause quite caught onto the idea yet.



Hey, I'm a size 24 now. Shopping is a little less stressful for me now. Last time I bought a pair of jeans I did the same thing. Tried on like 7 or 8 pairs and none of them fit the shape of my ass right. But hey after going from "oh oh, I found a size 32. I hate this color, but I hope it fits," I'm actually really happy to be able to try on that many pairs of jeans even if they still don't fit right. That's 7 more pairs I wouldn't have even looked at before. That's good. I still can't fit into blouses tho. I did all that exercise and my arms still aren't small enough. Kinda pisses me off. I would love to wear blouses and blazers...anything with non stretchy sleeves really.


----------



## gildalive (Oct 4, 2008)

Hey, Olwen. I see where you're coming from emotionally, but I'm not sure if I understand what your expectations were for these smaller bbw's during their interactions with you. Was their size mitigated by yours? Should they not have mentioned it at all? (I'm not trying to yank your chain with these questions; I genuinely want to know how they would have ideally dealt with the situation from your perspective.)


----------



## LalaCity (Oct 4, 2008)

olwen said:


> I'd think the only way I (as a bigger woman) would be pissed off is if she started talking about how fat she is and how much trouble she has as a fat girl and solidarity this and that....it would make me think, well, if she thinks she's fat, what the hell am I?



Olwen, I could understand that it's completely uncool for a person -- of any size -- to turn up at a BBW bash and begin commenting on how "gross" or "horrible" she feels being fat, but surely a smaller BBW has the right to discuss her own feelings of alienation or disatisfaction with how she's treated by society...She's on the receiving end of a lot of the same put-downs and negative body-image brainwashing, too...



olwen said:


> How dare she be jealous or pissed that more men would approach me than her in the *only* place where I KNOW the guys do want to approach me...even at a regular club how many guys would pick her over me cause she is smaller...Fuck this skinny bitch.



That suggests that you really don't care for the presence of smaller women at BBW bashes at all -- or am I being paranoid??? I mean, if that's your opinion, I guess I can understand and even sympathize to a certain extent, but it does sort of bolster the OP's point.


----------



## vardon_grip (Oct 4, 2008)

It's easy to find differences if you want to look for them. It takes a little more effort to find the similarities. Why try so hard to isolate yourself from the community? What good does it do to be so dismissive and do you feel better or worse for it? 

A smaller BBW may not know what it is like to be super-sized, but is it a crime to extend some concern and interest in trying to make another person's life a little easier? I wouldn't be annoyed or take offense that another human being showed concern about my hardship and tried to make suggestions to make it better. What they say and whether or not it is useful is irrelevant. The fact that they didn't dismiss you and tried to help with a few suggestions means that they cared a little less about themselves and a little more about you. That's a good thing.

What does an alcoholic know of heroin addiction? Does the Vietnam vet scoff at the Gulf war vet because it was a different time and place? If I am neither an addict nor a veteran, should I turn away from them and not give them whatever support I can? You don't have to solve another persons problems. It is good enough to just listen and even better to be heard.

We are all connected in some way. It may be small, but that's okay...it's enough! I think it is better to believe that I am not so different from everyone else and alone in this world. 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not so inundated with people showing concern for me that I can afford to shun it. I welcome it at every turn. Gladly.


----------



## Fascinita (Oct 4, 2008)

Hey, folks. How about this? Until we've been a super-sized woman, how about we don't tell super-sized women how to feel about size?

I think some good points are being made, in theory. But let's not suggest that people dismiss how they feel in order NOT to dimiss how others feel.


----------



## LalaCity (Oct 4, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Hey, folks. How about this? Until we've been a super-sized woman, how about we don't tell super-sized women how to feel about size?
> 
> I think some good points are being made, in theory. But let's not suggest that people dismiss how they feel in order NOT to dimiss how others feel.



Not dismissing and not telling anyone how to feel about her size. I think my points are a legitimate response to the feelings Olwen has aired, thus far. I'd like to understand more, if I could.

Anyway, I was once much, _much_ bigger than I am now. That was a long time ago, but of course I still remember how it feels. I was socially isolated then, and, although things have improved a lot in my life in that regard, I still feel pretty alienated here in size-conscious Southern California. Dimensions has helped me cope with that, though I admit I am hesitant to go to a bash because I wonder, even having made friends here, whether I'd be treated as though I belong. 

The "skinny bitch" comment hurt a bit, frankly, though I know it was not directed at me. It's both painful and ironic that, out in everyday life, I feel awkward and know that I am labeled "overweight" by most people, and then within the supposedly safe confines of Dimensions, I see negative labels given to those who are not fat enough!


----------



## Fascinita (Oct 4, 2008)

LalaCity said:


> Not dismissing and not telling anyone how to feel about her size. I think my points are a legitimate response to the feelings Olwen has aired, thus far. I'd like to understand more, if I could.
> 
> Anyway, I was once much, _much_ bigger than I am now. That was a long time ago, but of course I still remember how it feels. I was socially isolated then, and, although things have improved a lot in my life in that regard, I still feel pretty alienated here in size-conscious Southern California. Dimensions has helped me cope with that, though I admit I am hesitant to go to a bash because I wonder, even having made friends here, whether I'd be treated as though I belong.
> 
> The "skinny bitch" comment hurt a bit, frankly, though I know it was not directed at me. It's both painful and ironic that, out in everyday life, I feel awkward and know that I am labeled "overweight" by most people, and then within the supposedly safe confines of Dimensions, I see negative labels given to those who are not fat enough!



I'm not sure the "skinny bitch" label leans on the skinny nearly as much as on the bitch. Without stopping to examine the semantic values attached to these individual words, I see the phrase as an expression of anger at having the little corner of happiness allotted to the fattest women being contested. In fact, if you stop to examine the complaints of exclusion made by smaller women, it turns out they very often take the form of "the larger women gave me a dirty look." I'm not sure how it's possible not to react to that with a defensive posture.

No one deserves to be made to feel like an outcast, but I think we have to be careful that we don't lay the blame down exclusively at the feet of the largest women here.


----------



## MissToodles (Oct 4, 2008)

LalaCity said:


> Olwen, I could understand that it's completely uncool for a person -- of any size -- to turn up at a BBW bash and begin commenting on how "gross" or "horrible" she feels being fat, but surely a smaller BBW has the right to discuss her own feelings of alienation or disatisfaction with how she's treated by society...She's on the receiving end of a lot of the same put-downs and negative body-image brainwashing, too...
> 
> 
> 
> That suggests that you really don't care for the presence of smaller women at BBW bashes at all -- or am I being paranoid??? I mean, if that's your opinion, I guess I can understand and even sympathize to a certain extent, but it does sort of bolster the OP's point.



Diverging from the thread at large, I've been non-supersized in my adult life, but still really, really fat. The treatment I got at lower weight and how I'm reacted to know is a whole universe of difference. I totally blend in more when I'm smaller, not the constant butt of jokes, even flirted with a lot more. I don't want to invalidate smaller fat women's experience but life becomes much harder once you pass the supersized threshold. That being said, ostracizing a person at a size positive event for being "too small" recreates/reinforces the same sort of mainstream hierarchies/power structures we claim to be against.

Lala, I think the problem with bashes is that there's the competitive aspect of meeting men, so you'll find people wanting to cut you down to size (haha!) for any reason.


----------



## No-No-Badkitty (Oct 4, 2008)

olwen said:


> I would love to wear blouses and blazers...anything with non stretchy sleeves really.




I can't wear blouses and blazers either. I rip the shoulders out of them or I feel like I can't move my arms. 
I stick to cammies, t-shirts, or soft material that gives.
If I do find a blouse that will fit I swear to god it looks like I am wearing a garbage bag.


----------



## LalaCity (Oct 4, 2008)

MissToodles said:


> Diverging from the thread at large, I've been non-supersized in my adult life, but still really, really fat. The treatment I got at lower weight and how I'm reacted to know is a whole universe of difference. I totally blend in more when I'm smaller, not the constant butt of jokes, even flirted with a lot more. I don't want to invalidate smaller fat women's experience but life becomes much harder once you pass the supersized threshold. That being said, ostracizing a person at a size positive event for being "too small" recreates/reinforces the same sort of mainstream hierarchies/power structures we claim to be against.



You're right, obviously -- and, I mean, I _do_ get it, even though I probably come off as entirely too dense . I just take issue with the idea that one necessarily has to be supersized to legitimately express dissatisfaction with the way society treats bigger people. Not that I would really want to do that at a BBW event -- the aim of the thing is to be positive and have a bit of fun, after all.



MissToodles said:


> Lala, I think the problem with bashes is that there's the competitive aspect of meeting men, so you'll find people wanting to cut you down to size (haha!) for any reason.



Well, I guess if the men who go to those bashes only have one size in mind for whom they'd hope to meet, then there wouldn't be competition anyway. But I'd hope such events would still be open to those of us who would go just to meet the friends we make online. As I said, I've never been to one and my knowledge is all anecdotal...maybe some day I'll pluck up the courage to go.


----------



## LalaCity (Oct 4, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> I'm not sure the "skinny bitch" label leans on the skinny nearly as much as on the bitch. Without stopping to examine the semantic values attached to these individual words, I see the phrase as an expression of anger at having the little corner of happiness allotted to the fattest women being contested.



I guess it's the idea of the "contest" which bothers me. I'd think anyone who turns up at a bash would be there with the aim of socializing and meeting like-minded folks in an environment that doesn't condemn people for their size. 

Of course, not to expect _some_ competition in this as in any social gathering is probably a bit naive, I admit.


----------



## olwen (Oct 4, 2008)

ashmamma84 said:


> It definitely isn't about feeling bad -- you can't really help the body you're in.
> 
> But isn't that assuming alot on the smaller bbw's part? I am not SS, and while I won't even begin to pretend I understand being that size, my fellow SS woman has no idea what I know in terms of where to find clothes, shoes, etc. Just because I'm not a size 30/32+ doesn't mean I couldn't plausibly help women that where those sizes -- in fact, I've done it before. Sometimes your help can come from the least likely of places is all I'm saying...
> 
> ...



Yeah I see what you're saying. But until I started participating in these boards I didn't know any one who could help me with that, and whenever a smaller bbw did try to offer help it was always usesless. I got sick of those conversations since it happened so often. It just frustrated me to the point of well - bitterness. I admit that's something I gotta work on.


----------



## olwen (Oct 4, 2008)

gildalive said:


> Hey, Olwen. I see where you're coming from emotionally, but I'm not sure if I understand what your expectations were for these smaller bbw's during their interactions with you. Was their size mitigated by yours? Should they not have mentioned it at all? (I'm not trying to yank your chain with these questions; I genuinely want to know how they would have ideally dealt with the situation from your perspective.)



You're questions are good and it's good to have this kind of dialogue. 

You know, I'm not sure what I was expecting either. I was over 400lbs for most of my adult life. And I'm not saying every ssbbw goes thru this, not at all, but for me, I guess, just you know, there's all that bitterness and jealousy I harbored for a long time about not being able to do things that smaller people could do...I thought loosing weight would help make those feelings disappear, but clearly, that's not the case. I guess that's what it all comes down to really. 



LalaCity said:


> Olwen, I could understand that it's completely uncool for a person -- of any size -- to turn up at a BBW bash and begin commenting on how "gross" or "horrible" she feels being fat, but surely a smaller BBW has the right to discuss her own feelings of alienation or disatisfaction with how she's treated by society...She's on the receiving end of a lot of the same put-downs and negative body-image brainwashing, too...
> 
> That suggests that you really don't care for the presence of smaller women at BBW bashes at all -- or am I being paranoid??? I mean, if that's your opinion, I guess I can understand and even sympathize to a certain extent, but it does sort of bolster the OP's point.



Yes, a smaller bbw has the right to discuss her own feelings. I just always felt like those feelings of alienation (a good way to put it) were...like I couldn't understand why someone who weighs 170lbs would feel that way when clearly they fit in with society a lot better than I did at 400+. They can still pass, so to speak, when I couldn't. That's honestly how I felt. I know it's fucked up...kinda like house slaves vs. field slaves. If I'm in the field under the hot sun and you're in the house and you get to sit down....I know it's stupid. Why hate if we're all slaves, but there it is. If all I have to look forward to in life is life as a slave, I'd rather be a house slave....Like I said, I know it's ridiculous, especially since I guess, technically I'm not SS anymore but there it is.

It's not that I don't care for the presence of a smaller bbw or even that we wouldn't have something to learn from each other...it's that I'm resentful still, obviously, of things I still don't have after three years of intense exercise and stupid food allergies, and I just don't want to be reminded of that. Again, I know. Stupid.

I guess that's where I am right now and that's just that. And yeah, it probably does bolster the OP's point.


----------



## LalaCity (Oct 4, 2008)

olwen said:


> You're questions are good and it's good to have this kind of dialogue.
> 
> You know, I'm not sure what I was expecting either. I was over 400lbs for most of my adult life. And I'm not saying every ssbbw goes thru this, not at all, but for me, I guess, just you know, there's all that bitterness and jealousy I harbored for a long time about not being able to do things that smaller people could do...I thought loosing weight would help make those feelings disappear, but clearly, that's not the case. I guess that's what it all comes down to really.
> 
> ...



I appreciate your honesty. Though the job of having to explain this point of view seems to have mainly fallen to you in this thread, we all probably have had experiences in life which leave us bitter or guarded. It would be hypocritical of me, for instance, to say I didn't myself feel some of these things toward slimmer women who sometimes seem so much more privileged because they have a more "socially-acceptable" body type.


----------



## olwen (Oct 4, 2008)

LalaCity said:


> I appreciate your honesty. Though the job of having to explain this point of view seems to have mainly fallen to you in this thread, we all probably have had experiences in life which leave us bitter or guarded. It would be hypocritical of me, for instance, to say I didn't myself feel some of these things toward slimmer women who sometimes seem so much more privileged because they have a more "socially-acceptable" body type.



I do get your pov, and it's valid. I'm just trying to understand why it should be so....if that makes sense. Could be my sense of fatness is off since other people say to me oh so and so is fat, when I think it's anything but fat. It's all relative. I kinda wish it weren't. If there was a clear dividing line things would be simpler for me. But how to determine where to draw the line is impossible.

Edit: ha, a good example is the avatar I'm using now. I think the woman is too skinny a representation of me, but I chose it cause hey, AFRO! Black representations are hard to come by so I decided to go with that. Be nice if she were bigger tho.


----------



## bbwpimp (Oct 6, 2008)

Hello and thanks for opening up in my thread.
this link may be of interest to you.
http://www.thicktopia.discuss.to/?topic=7.0


----------

