# I need a hug



## FreneticFangs (Nov 29, 2006)

I feel like a horrible gf. My man just went on a diet today and I feel like he's dying from cancer. I've never had to deal with someone going on a diet while dating me before. I think now more than ever I realize that I'm attracted to weight on a physical and emotional level.

I want him to be free to do what he wants with his body, but I guess I wasn't really prepared. I need a hug so I can give him space and be ok with him doing what he wants. or lots of hugs... even virtual internet hugs.
Accepting weight loss is heartbreaking


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## Laina (Nov 29, 2006)

*hugs*

I feel your pain--although it's been...um...three days, maybe? Coping. Coping.

Hang in there, doll.


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 29, 2006)

Thanks Laina!

I have a pack of oreos and chocolate fudge stripped cookies ... and now no one to share them with. 

*cries on your shoulder* I feel lonely


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## Laina (Nov 29, 2006)

Bring 'em on over. All I have to offer is tangerines and SlimFast shakes--sick Laina is not a hungry Laina. *pout* 

Maybe it's time for a "Girls Whose Boyfriends Diet" support group. Weekly meetings to screen new YouTube videos.  

Also, major props to you for being understanding and supportive. I know precisely how hard it is, under the circumstances. I always feel like I'm saying and doing the wrong things. What if my hands stray to his belly and his not diggin' on it right now? What if I suggest a food that he's not able to have? And ye gods, what if I have a bad self-image day? Who'm I supposed to whine to, now? All in all, it would be less complicated if I were a selfish bitch. Hmpth.

But I love him. And I do, seriously, want him to be happy.


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm sorry you're sick. That sucks double time. 

I couldn't have put my feelings into words more clearly than needing that support group! I love my guy, too  That's the hard part. I want him to be happy, and I feel horrible because I can't seem to *want* him as much. I think the diet part is even worse than losing the weight. 

It's seeing him have to eat lettuce turkey wraps. I think that's what finally did it for me. lettuce... turkey wraps. *another tear*

*hugs Laina* If I'm sick by tomorrow, I can safely say the depression is causing our immune systems to fail. :doh:


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## Laina (Nov 29, 2006)

FreneticFangs said:


> I think the diet part is even worse than losing the weight.



Exactly. I've been good on the ED front--thank god--but even outside of that...it's hard. Not necessarily make-or-break-us hard, but...ugh. I feel irrationally abandoned. It makes no sense to me, and I feel incredibly guilty about it, on top of everything. I don't WANT to be a horrible girlfriend, and I'm sure I'll get past all of this and we'll be fine...and I still love him more than anything in the world--so what's wrong with me?!


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Nov 29, 2006)

There's eating healthy with the boyfriend, at least.  

Ryan and I eat pretty healthily and he's trying to lose weight. I like healthy meals with him!


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 29, 2006)

maybe it's the latin mindframe, but healthy and diet have nothing to do with each other in my book.


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## AppreSheAte (Nov 29, 2006)

i am just a sharing type of guy! 

i think i understand how you feel. it is not just the fat or gaining physically but its emotional too.

well doesnt mean you have to be on the diet too.


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## lemmink (Nov 29, 2006)

Oh gosh, I don't know what to say.  Many hugs, though. :/


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## Blondeegrldd (Nov 29, 2006)

This is the equivalent of a woman getting her ginormous tatas reduced. I feel your pain, FF.


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## SisterGoldenHair (Nov 29, 2006)

aah, i understand about all this. whenever he even parenthetically mentions dieting or losing weight i bug out. whenever he says "oh hey i think i've been losing weight" i have to just swallow it down, and i usually manage to say something at least neutral in reply, like "oh maybe you are, i haven't noticed." but when i reach for the belly and there's less of it... well, my heart sinks like a stone. i feel like i'm failing somehow. and then i feel guilty. i know exactly what all you girls are saying... agh, we do need a support group. i mean, god, at least mine isn't actively TRYING to lose weight. you poor baby! i know this torture, i do. mine has gone through it every once in a while but they were minor scares for me (and there hasn't been one in a while). 

the guilt is probably the worst part though. it's like the turning of the screw.


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## AppreSheAte (Nov 29, 2006)

wish you gals were everywhere


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## keith (Nov 30, 2006)

not sure exactly what to say other than to wish you both luck. 

As a BHM and an FA, I still haven't fully resolved my own mixed feelings regarding size acceptance both internally and interpersonally, so I am ill prepared to offer more than that. sorry


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## SparklingBBW (Nov 30, 2006)

FreneticFangs said:


> I feel like a horrible gf. My man just went on a diet today and I feel like he's dying from cancer. I've never had to deal with someone going on a diet while dating me before. I think now more than ever I realize that I'm attracted to weight on a physical and emotional level.
> 
> Accepting weight loss is heartbreaking



I feel like a horrible daughter. My mother has had cancer for almost 3 years now, and I feel like she's on an extended diet. I've never had to deal with someone having cancer while in a relationship before. I think now more than ever, I realize that I need to have relationships with living cancer-free people on an emotional level. 

Accepting cancer is heartbreaking. 

She worked out today by walking to the bathroom by herself and signing her DNR-CC orders because she may have pneumonia. Oh, and her food intake, she managed to eat a handful of Chex Mix, once slice of peaches and a cup of coffee. Her weight loss is just like his. I see the comparison now. 

Oh yeah...I need a hug too. 

Gena


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 30, 2006)

Genarose54 said:


> I feel like a horrible daughter. My mother has had cancer for almost 3 years now, and I feel like she's on an extended diet. I've never had to deal with someone having cancer while in a relationship before. I think now more than ever, I realize that I need to have relationships with living cancer-free people on an emotional level.
> 
> Accepting cancer is heartbreaking.
> 
> ...


 *many hugs Gena*  I'm so sorry about your mom. I need to learn how to keep certain things from just flying off my tongue (or fingertips in this case).


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## Midnite (Nov 30, 2006)

FreneticFangs said:


> I feel like a horrible gf. My man just went on a diet today and I feel like he's dying from cancer. I've never had to deal with someone going on a diet while dating me before. I think now more than ever I realize that I'm attracted to weight on a physical and emotional level.
> 
> I want him to be free to do what he wants with his body, but I guess I wasn't really prepared. I need a hug so I can give him space and be ok with him doing what he wants. or lots of hugs... even virtual internet hugs.
> Accepting weight loss is heartbreaking



I LOVE YOU BABY! For all who wondered why I decided to diet....I went to get ready for work this morning and my work shirts didn't fit......It kicked me in the ass and put me on a bad one. Nut all that is over now. Don't fret Frenetic Fangs....I love you!
:smitten:


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## SparklingBBW (Nov 30, 2006)

Hugs to you too. Sorry I was so angry/sarcastic/snarky in my response. 

Gena


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## Laina (Nov 30, 2006)

Midnite said:


> I LOVE YOU BABY! For all who wondered why I decided to diet....I went to get ready for work this morning and my work shirts didn't fit......It kicked me in the ass and put me on a bad one. Nut all that is over now. Don't fret Frenetic Fangs....I love you!
> :smitten:



Awww...now talk my boy into posting here.


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 30, 2006)

So... I was selfish and broke down and begged and begged (while holding onto someone's tummy) that I didn't want him to lose weight. So we agreed he'd maintain his weight and eat healthy. *falls over in relief* 

After one of the biggest scares of my love life, I'm going Christmas shopping today.

Laina, our guys need to get together and remind each other not to diet!
I wish you luck with your man. Try hugging what you like the most*cough* your man & his belly


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## Zagnut (Nov 30, 2006)

Laina said:


> Awww...now talk my boy into posting here.



Why won't he post here?


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## Laina (Nov 30, 2006)

FreneticFangs said:


> So... I was selfish and broke down and begged and begged (while holding onto someone's tummy) that I didn't want him to lose weight. So we agreed he'd maintain his weight and eat healthy. *falls over in relief*
> 
> After one of the biggest scares of my love life, I'm going Christmas shopping today.
> 
> ...



I get the distinct feeling that it's not MY preferences he's worried about, anymore. 

Whatever. Life goes on, right?


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## missaf (Nov 30, 2006)

For what it's worth, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. 

There's a distinction between lifestyle FFAs and Fetish FFAs, and there's a difference too, between remaining a weight to please a partner, and losing weight for one's own SELF image.

Size Acceptance, most of all, is about becoming comfortable in your own skin, then also showing the world that people of size are worth just as much as people who aren't luscious.

When this kind of thing rolls around here on the boards, someone usually asks why he's losing weight, and why you don't want him to lose weight. Examine your motives carefully. Is it a selfish desire to hang on to the fat, or is it concern for him? Partners really should put the needs of their significant other over their own, if they don't, I really consider it a fetish desire moreso than anything else.

I'm not judging anyone here, just asking that you look closely at your relationships and why you're really there.


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## Laina (Nov 30, 2006)

missaf said:


> For what it's worth, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here.
> 
> There's a distinction between lifestyle FFAs and Fetish FFAs, and there's a difference too, between remaining a weight to please a partner, and losing weight for one's own SELF image.
> 
> ...



I'm not sure if you're mis-reading, or if you're making an at large post about a bigger (no pun intended) issue, so I'll respond only from a personal standpoint.

My posts were (and I thought it was clear) complaints about MY feelings, not my boyfriend's actions--I'm pretty sure FF's were, as well. Both of us were pretty up front about putting our boys' needs before our own desires. For me, that's not even remotely a question. He needs to be happy and "ok" more than I need, or want, anything. (I'm pretty self-maintaining, most of the time.) Current situation not withstanding, there is very little that my boyfriend needs or wants that really conflicts with my ability to cope within our relationship--and the current situation is about far more than his weight.

C'mon. Even I'm not THAT shallow.


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## Zagnut (Nov 30, 2006)

missaf said:


> For what it's worth, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here ...



I was thinking about this one. I'm going to share a little story from personal experience. A few years back I met an FFA via an online forum. At the time I was much heavier and in a rather lonely and rough state. Regardless, let me share a little about this woman I will call Chris:

Chris was a thin and attractive older FFA. She always ate rather healthy and exercised a great deal. However she really liked heavy men. She commented that she didn't believe that a man could ever be too large for her to lust after. She was also very much a feeder. She hated the idea of a man losing weight for any reason to a emotionally distressing level.

She had have a former partner with whom she'd had a long term relationship that could only be described as dysfunctional. He was a man in the SSBHM range who was emotionally damaged and prone to stealing coworker's panties to keep. He had a multitude of other emotional issues. Anyway, Chris, during their time together, had bonded to his belly in a sort of personified third partner to their relationship. She'd gone so far as to name it, we'll say Pookie.

Pookie needed daily care in the form of 3000 or so calories of junk food that her BHM was expected to eat. She'd bought a lunch box for this conglomeration of pastries, cookies and candies that he was expected to eat, in addition to his normal meals. She even named this lunch box.

Chris and her BHM broke up in time due to his cheating and other issue (according to her), but she still needed to "care" for Pookie. She continued to drive over to her ex's on a daily basis to give him the lunch box for Pookie. In time, not long after we began to communicate, she noticed that her ex seemed to be losing weight and her conversations with him revealed that he was attempting to lose weight.

Chris lost it. She was convinced that her ex was abusing and killing Pookie. She would whine and complain on the phone and emails over how she was so worried about Pookie and how her ex needed to not let Pookie get any smaller, but preferably bigger. She fought with him over this, and eventually he refused the lunch box altogether. For weeks on end this was a huge endless emotional topic with her. We actually went out on one date (despite the neon red flags) and it was interesting to say the least. She started to call my belly by it's own name and seemed to be shifting some of her attentions toward me and my belly.

To make a long story short, I was done. I sent a long irate email to her, probably a bit too harsh based on my own emotional mindset, about how she needed to get over the fact that Pookie wasn't real and that she had no right to make this kind of demand on an ex partner of hers. I certainly wasn't going to get bigger for her and I was in a lot of physical pain at the size I was (500 lbs range) and was experiencing health problems. The last I heard from her was an equally long email deriding me for not understanding her and how important Pookie was to her.

***

This is just a rare extreme and I am not comparing nor applying this to anyone on this board or in this thread. Even my own lady love would be distressed if I ever lost too much weight.

I guess what I'm saying is that it would definitely be wise to remember that loving someone should also include supporting their own wishes for happiness and health, where reasonable.


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## missaf (Nov 30, 2006)

Thanks Zagnut, that sums up my post 

I'm not blaming anyone, or pointing fingers, just as I said, playing Devil's Advocate for the sake of discussion 




Zagnut said:


> I guess what I'm saying is that it would definitely be wise to remember that loving someone should also include supporting their own wishes for happiness and health, where reasonable.


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## Kiki (Nov 30, 2006)

Both FreneticFangs and Laina were clear that they felt bad for feeling bad that their blokes wanted to lose weight/went on diets. They knew they *shouldn't* feel that way and neither wanted to come out and ask/demand that their man not lose weight as that would be unfair/selfish. So they came here as this was the only place they could express how they felt. As an FFA, you love the fat but you love the guy too (hopefully), something that both of them got across in their posts. Both FF and Laina wanted their men to be happy. 'Chris' is not typical of FFAs. 'Chris' is quite clearly unbalanced and any BHM would be in trouble if she was typical of FFAs. In fact I would suggest diets for all for their own safety and peace of mind if that was what all FFAs were like. 
Anyone would be dismayed if their partner lost part or all of what made them attractive. Hopefully you would swallow it down and be supportive, but you can't help the way you feel. Everyone knows it's shallow to dump someone (though no one was going that far) because they gain/lose weight, cut thier hair, get a breast reduction etc, but you would feel loss (yeah, nobody died but you can't help the way you feel.) but hopefully accept the change because there would be more in your relationship than just the fact that he's a fat guy and you're an FFA.


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 30, 2006)

yeah, that whole post weirded me out to a very very large degree.

With me, I just happen to like a certain look. The guy himself has to keep my attention once the body has turned my head. The closer you get to somebody, the less you really care what they look like as your attraction tends to move towards the emotional side. Which is not to say a BHM on whom I was hung up for years didn't make my heart leap every time I saw him.

OTOH, some FA's [male and female] just are wired such that they can't be sexually attracted to a thin person. It just won't happen. One such FFA posted here a while ago b/c her partner had to lose weight under a doctor's orders. She was genuinely grieving because she knew she would no longer be as sexually attracted to him when he was thin, it's just how she was and she couldn't change that.


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## Zagnut (Nov 30, 2006)

Kiki said:


> Both FreneticFangs and Laina were clear that they felt bad for feeling bad that their blokes wanted to lose weight/went on diets. They knew they *shouldn't* feel that way and neither wanted to come out and ask/demand that their man not lose weight as that would be unfair/selfish. So they came here as this was the only place they could express how they felt. As an FFA, you love the fat but you love the guy too (hopefully), something that both of them got across in their posts. Both FF and Laina wanted their men to be happy. 'Chris' is not typical of FFAs. 'Chris' is quite clearly unbalanced and any BHM would be in trouble if she was typical of FFAs. In fact I would suggest diets for all for their own safety and peace of mind if that was what all FFAs were like.
> Anyone would be dismayed if their partner lost part or all of what made them attractive. Hopefully you would swallow it down and be supportive, but you can't help the way you feel. Everyone knows it's shallow to dump someone (though no one was going that far) because they gain/lose weight, cut thier hair, get a breast reduction etc, but you would feel loss (yeah, nobody died but you can't help the way you feel.) but hopefully accept the change because there would be more in your relationship than just the fact that he's a fat guy and you're an FFA.



I described Chris as an extreme and one to avoid, and merely offered this up as food for thought. I personal hold a great deal of respect for both FreneticFangs and Laina, and nearly everyone who posts on this forum. My hope was in that my story might help someone, indeed through my mistakes and experiences. I again state that it was never directed at anyone specifically and spoke more to those who weren't necessarily posting on this thread at all! ;-)


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## Tad (Nov 30, 2006)

Im an FA, as well as being moderately fat. My wife was on the lower end of BBW, and in the past little while has lost weight to the verge of not being what would generally be called a BBW at all. So Im very familiar with being in this situation.

My general _opinion_ is that we should never say I should not feel this way, no matter what this may be. It is fair to wish that we didnt feel this way, it is even OK to try and find ways to modify our feelings. But I think beating yourself up for how you are feeling, or suppressing those feelings, is not great for your mental health. 

I think it is better to admit how you feel, and try to deal with the emotional pain of conflicting feelings. Hence, I thought the response of coming to this board to talk it out made perfect sense. It is a great way to take those feelings and put them down where you can see them. I dont guarantee it works for anyone else, but that is probably a third to a half of why I come here.

To reiterate the disclaimer, that is my opinion, feel free to disagree.

Regards;

-Ed


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 30, 2006)

missaf said:


> For what it's worth, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here.
> 
> There's a distinction between lifestyle FFAs and Fetish FFAs, and there's a difference too, between remaining a weight to please a partner, and losing weight for one's own SELF image.
> 
> ...



I admit to the fetish desire. completely. I would have stayed with him if he lost weight, but I'd go down kicking and screaming and throwing tantrums!

I wouldn't have cared so much if it was for health reasons, but he's completely healthy. It was for the clothes/looks. That I'll throw a tantrum about. Sorry if it offends anyone, but at least I admit I'm a big tummy lover.


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 30, 2006)

Zagnut said:


> I was thinking about this one. I'm going to share a little story from personal experience. A few years back I met an FFA via an online forum. At the time I was much heavier and in a rather lonely and rough state. Regardless, let me share a little about this woman I will call Chris:
> 
> Chris was a thin and attractive older FFA. She always ate rather healthy and exercised a great deal. However she really liked heavy men. She commented that she didn't believe that a man could ever be too large for her to lust after. She was also very much a feeder. She hated the idea of a man losing weight for any reason to a emotionally distressing level.
> 
> ...




That is a really scary lady. She named the lunchbox?!! *shudders*
You were probably very safe in ending things with her.

I wonder if people perceive me in the same way though.  

Don't overly bash me, but... do you think I shouldn't have told him that I like him how he is and tried to get him not to lose weight?


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## FreneticFangs (Nov 30, 2006)

Kiki said:


> Both FreneticFangs and Laina were clear that they felt bad for feeling bad that their blokes wanted to lose weight/went on diets. They knew they *shouldn't* feel that way and neither wanted to come out and ask/demand that their man not lose weight as that would be unfair/selfish. So they came here as this was the only place they could express how they felt. As an FFA, you love the fat but you love the guy too (hopefully), something that both of them got across in their posts. Both FF and Laina wanted their men to be happy. 'Chris' is not typical of FFAs. 'Chris' is quite clearly unbalanced and any BHM would be in trouble if she was typical of FFAs. In fact I would suggest diets for all for their own safety and peace of mind if that was what all FFAs were like.
> Anyone would be dismayed if their partner lost part or all of what made them attractive. Hopefully you would swallow it down and be supportive, but you can't help the way you feel. Everyone knows it's shallow to dump someone (though no one was going that far) because they gain/lose weight, cut thier hair, get a breast reduction etc, but you would feel loss (yeah, nobody died but you can't help the way you feel.) but hopefully accept the change because there would be more in your relationship than just the fact that he's a fat guy and you're an FFA.



Thank you! That's exactly how I feel. Now I'm off to love my man.


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## Zagnut (Nov 30, 2006)

FreneticFangs said:


> That is a really scary lady. She named the lunchbox?!! *shudders*
> You were probably very safe in ending things with her.
> 
> I wonder if people perceive me in the same way though.
> ...



My dear, I would never be inclined to bash you, or nearly anyone on this board. From every image and word I've ever seen from you, you seem to be the portrait of a warm, loving and quite beautiful woman, inside and out -- the world could certainly do to have a few thousand more women like yourself! I can't imagine anyone thinking of you in such a negative manner, unless they had serious emotional issues of their own.

Now, the fact that you told him that you love him how he is now is quite a wonderful thing. You see him as someone desirable and sexy. If only I had found a woman more like you when I was a decade earlier, I would have had a much happier life than I have lived.

You are fully entitled to not want him to change and become thinner than he is. You are always entitled to have your feelings. The man you love wants to change to something that is different that who you first became attracted too. This is normal and by and large to be expected.

His desire to lose weight is also something he is entitled to as well. His motivations may be out of health concerns and/or a desire to feel better about himself and be more comfortable in his skin. These are both justifiable wants and very reasonable too.

People will have different needs at different times. This is just life. The fact that you told him that you didn't want him to lose the weight is fine. Feeling distraught and saddened by his desire is also fine. The fact that he has since agreed to maintain his weight, for you, says a lot about the degree of love he has for you. It sounds like you are both very lucky for having one another.

The only advice I will offer to you on your particular situation is to talk to him openly and honestly about your needs and together try to find solutions to matters, such as this, that affect the both of you. Utimately you love him and whatever the two of you decide together will be the better choice as a general rule.

I sincerely wish for the both of you all the happiness in the world.


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## SisterGoldenHair (Dec 1, 2006)

Kiki said:


> Both FreneticFangs and Laina were clear that they felt bad for feeling bad that their blokes wanted to lose weight/went on diets. They knew they *shouldn't* feel that way and neither wanted to come out and ask/demand that their man not lose weight as that would be unfair/selfish. So they came here as this was the only place they could express how they felt. As an FFA, you love the fat but you love the guy too (hopefully), something that both of them got across in their posts. Both FF and Laina wanted their men to be happy. 'Chris' is not typical of FFAs. 'Chris' is quite clearly unbalanced and any BHM would be in trouble if she was typical of FFAs. In fact I would suggest diets for all for their own safety and peace of mind if that was what all FFAs were like.
> Anyone would be dismayed if their partner lost part or all of what made them attractive. Hopefully you would swallow it down and be supportive, but you can't help the way you feel. Everyone knows it's shallow to dump someone (though no one was going that far) because they gain/lose weight, cut thier hair, get a breast reduction etc, but you would feel loss (yeah, nobody died but you can't help the way you feel.) but hopefully accept the change because there would be more in your relationship than just the fact that he's a fat guy and you're an FFA.



hear, hear!


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## lemmink (Dec 1, 2006)

Meeh. I've been horribly wishywashy about responding with anything substantial to this post, because it does lie pretty close to my heart. 

I admit I've run screaming hysterically after guys have said they wanted to diet, and then refused to take their calls until they gave up. But I didn't love 'em - I just loved their pudge. Now I'm with a guy I love, I don't deny that I sulk and whine and bitch if he loses a few kilos accidentally, but it doesn't make me love him any less. I just miss the way he feels. It's a feeling you can't really switch off. 

I know I'd feel betrayed if he decided to actually diet. Naturally the boyfriend uses this fact to his advantage when it comes to avoiding doing dishes, cleaning, taking out the bins - "You do them, baby, or... or I'll DIET." Evil little boy. 

Anyway.

I think there's a huge difference too between someone losing weight because they can't help it and someone making a conscious decision to lose weight. I used to take it as a slap in the face when people I dated wanted to diet - I never understood the reasoning. They knew I was attracted to them *at that size*, and not any other. Okay, if you want to be healthy, eat healthy - you don't have to stop eating or jump on a fad, just change the foods you're eating. I'd have understood if any of them were suffering severe health/emotional/functional problems, but as all of them were perfectly fit and one actually used to windsurf in his spare time, I just didn't get it. I still don't, and I likely never will.

So I don't see that there's any problem with telling a guy that you don't want him to lose weight and that you're going to miss his fat. It's pretty important for the openness of a relationship to do that. It's not you forcing them to stay the same weight or anything - it's just discussing your options/feelings in the situation, which is the mature thing to do. (Rather than snarling and sulking, which seems to be my general MO).


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## FreneticFangs (Dec 4, 2006)

lemmink said:


> Naturally the boyfriend uses this fact to his advantage when it comes to avoiding doing dishes, cleaning, taking out the bins - "You do them, baby, or... or I'll DIET." Evil little boy.



Although I truly appreciate the input both of you have given me, I have to take the time to say:
ahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahaha!
I know exactly what you mean and my man has begun to realize this. :doh: 

Thanks for putting a smile on my face = )


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## KuroBara (Dec 4, 2006)

lemmink said:


> Meeh. I've been horribly wishywashy about responding with anything substantial to this post, because it does lie pretty close to my heart.
> 
> I admit I've run screaming hysterically after guys have said they wanted to diet, and then refused to take their calls until they gave up. But I didn't love 'em - I just loved their pudge. Now I'm with a guy I love, I don't deny that I sulk and whine and bitch if he loses a few kilos accidentally, but it doesn't make me love him any less. I just miss the way he feels. It's a feeling you can't really switch off.
> 
> ...


Isn't your boyfriend thin? Or did I read an old post?


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## BigFusionNYC (Dec 5, 2006)

Crisis Averted : HOORAY! 

Sorry I couldn't think of anything else to say and Hagrid just said that.


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## lemmink (Dec 5, 2006)

FF, I just hope your man won't read this and get some ideas for getting out of doing housework...



KuroBara said:


> Isn't your boyfriend thin? Or did I read an old post?



Not any more.


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## philosobear (Dec 16, 2006)

Firstly, FreneticFangs, well done for being honest, cause that's where it's so often at, in our heads, even if we make sure we're careful about how far it goes. And I think you're really not alone in feeling completely torn about this kind of thing, even over gaining/losing fairly small amounts of weight. 

I have been pretty direct with girlfriends in the past. I used to think that it was unfair of me to express blunt preferences about what a partner did with her body, but having read your post, maybe saying to a skinny previous girlfriend who had put on on a bit and was dieting 'don't get boringly thin, will you' was just honest. It was the gospel truth that at the pared-down weight she was aiming for, I was still into her, but it was becoming rather hard work to feel as turned on as before. A bit of an unfortunate combination of FAness on my part and a rather distorted body image on hers (even the her doctor was saying she shouldn't lose weight). So I know how it feels. 

Enter my recent filling out and meeting my glorious FA girlfriend. I'm not fat now...well technically, I'm slightly obese, but not fat enough to draw more than the occasional comment. I'm certainly not fat enough to suffer ill health as a consequence, but I am fat enough for it to be a pain in the arse when it comes to things like long distance hiking, where the pack makes you pretty bloody heavy, in addition to whatever you're carrying on your person! I'm strongly attracted to making long journeys on foot and writing about them...it's been in my imagination for a long time. So, while we're both very fat positive there's good reason for me to consider knocking off the few pounds I've put on...and we're torn about it...we're both very keen on me staying round or getting bigger, and even when there are pretty clear reasons for dieting, it's very difficult to let go of the comforting reality of fat, and the fantasy of fatter! My girlfriend says that she wouldn't mind me losing weight. Knowing her as I do now, I know that is because, as a not-small woman, she knows what it's like when other people start grabbing hold of your body and telling you what to do with it. But I know what it's like. I've been there, and damnit, I'm a bit of a self-FA if the truth is to be known. 

I'm not sure I really have anything to add to your dilemma...it's just interesting to measure my experience up against it. I guess I'm saying that it's ok to get worked up about these small changes of body and what they might mean. Or if it's not, then I'm dumb too.


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## lucyp (Dec 17, 2006)

...Yeah, me too.

My husband has lost something like 40 or 50 pounds over the last few years, slowly, without any diets, simply because we moved into a less stressful lifestyle situation and I guess he had been eating as a response to stress. And he's had these foot problems, so bad he had to give up the martial arts he was doing because he couldn't do it even once barefoot without limping for months after. Back problems, too. And I've heard less complaints about that too recently. He's surely in less pain. And I can't be anything other than glad he's in less pain, right?

I finally had to go buy him a whole new wardrobe. And he was delighted to go down a size. Thrilled. So happy to have me buying him things.

And meanwhile there's a small percentage of me in there, about 10%, that rather misses what he was before. In me it's not a large enough percentage for me to say anything to him (he's so pretty in his happiness right now that I just can't blunt it) but my internal Miss 10% has been LOUD enough (be quiet, Miss 10%, it's not like he's even close to skinny yet) to send me off to the internet to try to figure out what in the heck I am thinking. (Say what? Oh. FFAs? Okay, then. Hang that label around my neck, too. Who knew?)

I was glad to find you all at this site. It warms my heart to see other people who have been thinking the same thoughts. =)


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