# Seeking advice my Fiancé is losing weight



## Banjoenelbano (Jun 27, 2018)

So I hope this is an appropriate area to have this thread, it seemed to be the best fit

Now I'm an FA and over 5 years ago I met the love of my life, a BBW who weighed in at atleast 300lbs, we got engaged after being together for a year and now we are stuck in a bit of a financial limbo as like many millennials I'm racked with debt and we cant quite yet afford to move in together and actually tie the knot. We are still deeply in love and have a connection that goes beyond physical attraction. Or so I'd like to think.

Recently, rather out of the blue, my fiancè informed me that she needed a change and decided to start the latest iteration of the weight watchers program.

It's important to note that I feel very strongly about bodily autonomy, I'm pro-choice, pro-sex workers, etc. A woman's body is her own business.

So when my fiancè informed me of her intent to lose weight I gave her my support.

I ashamed to admit deep down I was kinda hoping her diet would fail, or that she'd lose interest and give up, but now a month or so into her diet she's already lost over ten pounds!

She's very happy with her progress and I'm happy for her but I am also sad that her sexy double belly and flabby arms are going to go away, I'm not sure what her goal weight is, I've been too afraid to ask.

When it comes down to it the real problem is I feel really guilty about being so selfish that I want her to stay fat even though I know for a fact she's not really into being fat and is concerned about her health (which I'm obviously also concerned about because I want to have a long happy life with her)

So idk, anyone have any advice? Can anyone relate?


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## extra_m13 (Jun 27, 2018)

i think at some point of our life we all have been through something like that so yeah we can relate. what to do is the question here... there is not much to do since yes at the end is her body her health her weight and we are really only enjoying the good part. but, there is always hope. there is a strong reason why a woman gets to weigh 300 pounds, she probably isn't at heart really athletic of careful on what she eats, so your patience could be rewarded in the future when this as i'm sure many other attempts to lose weight fails and the weight comes back. only thing i would recommend is probably say to her, no pressure from you, you like her bally and rolls.good luck, keep us posted.


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## BigElectricKat (Jun 27, 2018)

Banjoenelbano said:


> So I hope this is an appropriate area to have this thread, it seemed to be the best fit
> 
> Now I'm an FA and over 5 years ago I met the love of my life, a BBW who weighed in at atleast 300lbs, we got engaged after being together for a year and now we are stuck in a bit of a financial limbo as like many millennials I'm racked with debt and we cant quite yet afford to move in together and actually tie the knot. We are still deeply in love and have a connection that goes beyond physical attraction. Or so I'd like to think.
> 
> ...


I love redheads! I absolutely hunger for them! But I've had relationships with plenty of women who were not redheads. Each one had qualities that I admire and thus, not being a redhead was not a barrier for me.

I think, deep down, you know what you need to do. That feeling of guilt is telling you something. I am not trying to put you down or make you feel bad here. Just pointing out that, physical attraction aside, it sounds like you have something very real and worth holding onto with her. I think relationships should be more about the connection you make with a person and less about how they fit into your ideal body image. Consider this: our bodies all change over time for one reason or another. Would you feel differently if her body changed (she lost weight) just naturally, without being on a diet?

It really sounds like you've built this great relationship with a woman whom you love deeply. I would guess that she still has many qualities that you find attractive. I suggest that you start to focus more on those qualities: her heart, her mind, the way she walks, the softness of her skin, the way she kisses you, those wonderful things she does when you are intimate, etc. 

I realize that being with someone whose physical shape and size is very exciting but don't let the fact that she is losing weight erase all those other things that make her who she is and makes you love her so much. Just sayin'. Best of luck!


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## Tad (Jun 27, 2018)

Advice from a stranger on the internet is always good, right? . YMMV, use at your own risk, etc. All of this is based on me guessing at 90% of the unspoken background.

One: I would ask her what her goals are with this. I bet you'll both feel better after that talk.

Two, maybe time to sit down and plan on how to move in together. Have a plan that makes it all feel more real, and where you can measure your progress. Sounds like she is tired of the rut you are in together.

Third, part of her might want to lose some weight for the wedding? Or even feel like somehow losing weight might make the wedding more possible?

And finally, suck it up. There will still be lots to love. Burn off your anxiety by driving yourself forward (take a .Second job, pick up a class, new exercise program? Have something new in your life that will make you feel more secure in yourself and it will make it easier to deal with this change.

And good luck -- a lot of us have been there in varying degrees, and are here for you.


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## Banjoenelbano (Jun 27, 2018)

Already I've gotten some very reassuring feedback, thanks you guys


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## DragonFly (Jun 28, 2018)

One caution-from the other side of the coin. If you are only attracted to BBW and she is no longer one. Really make sure you can last in the relationship. I know from expierence, and the expierences of other women, that while some men may still love their now thin wives they roam to get their fix of fat.


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## Banjoenelbano (Jun 28, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> One caution-from the other side of the coin. If you are only attracted to BBW and she is no longer one. Really make sure you can last in the relationship. I know from expierence, and the expierences of other women, that while some men may still love their now thin wives they roam to get their fix of fat.



There's nothing I find more repugnant than infidelity, I would never hurt my fiancè like that, so don't worry that's not even a possibility.


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## choudhury (Jul 1, 2018)

FWIW my advice would be to stay cool and ride it out. If she is a longstanding BBW then the odds are extremely good that she will eventually drop the diet and start gaining weight again. Then you get to enjoy the 'gaining' process! So continue being supportive and know the probabilities are seriously in your favor.


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## ssbbwBrianna (Jul 1, 2018)

BigElectrickat, great response <3 I agree with every single word. alot of people could benefit from advice like that, if they also took it to heart. You do sound like you have such a great thing with this person. Goodluck Banjoenelbano!

While I don't know the feelings, i think I can imagine how an FA feels with his girlfriend losing weight. Sex and attraction is integral to humans. and it's of course probably part of the reason you fell in love with her; along with her other qualities. Maybe find solace in a long, healthy life together, and hope she keeps some thickness. Always make her feel great in her skin now, and she might never feel the need to get acceptably thin by societies standards.
I wish you and her so much love and happiness in your relationship. I hope I find a loving partner, who loves me through everything one day 

It's never too early to commit, even if you cannot afford to "get married" for a few years. If you know you want to spend your life with her, its never too early. and moving in together can sometimes help both people out financially because of the splitting bills. Not sure your situation though, Goodluck my guy! stay kind<3


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## LifelongFA (Jul 2, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> One caution-from the other side of the coin. If you are only attracted to BBW and she is no longer one. Really make sure you can last in the relationship. I know from expierence, and the expierences of other women, that while some men may still love their now thin wives they roam to get their fix of fat.



You bring up a good point, DragonFly. I have been thinking a lot about this question for a number of days now. I would like to believe that I am the type of person who could look beyond the physical and not let it destroy or hurt the relationship. But the truth is, I have never experienced anything like this myself. I have had partners talk about losing weight, but never follow through with it for long. The problem for me, if I am honest about it, is that I have built my entire lifestyle in the context of my admiration/obsession with fat women. I did so starting 20 years ago, so to just stop cold turkey would be a radical departure. No easy answers for a lot of us on this subject.


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## DragonFly (Jul 2, 2018)

LifelongFA said:


> You bring up a good point, DragonFly. I have been thinking a lot about this question for a number of days now. I would like to believe that I am the type of person who could look beyond the physical and not let it destroy or hurt the relationship. But the truth is, I have never experienced anything like this myself. I have had partners talk about losing weight, but never follow through with it for long. The problem for me, if I am honest about it, is that I have built my entire lifestyle in the context of my admiration/obsession with fat women. I did so starting 20 years ago, so to just stop cold turkey would be a radical departure. No easy answers for a lot of us on this subject.




You said this very well - I am in no way saying the OP would not be faithful. I am however going to say that coming from the fat lady perspective, you expierence it and hear about it quite a bit. Thin wife/girlfriend and then chasing chub on the side.


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## Yakatori (Jul 2, 2018)

LifelongFA said:


> _...*never experienced *anything like this myself...had partners *talk about* losing weight, but *never follow through with it for long*..._



Yeah, of course, obvious. Because long-term weight-loss is fairly difficult, for most people.

Forgive my being sort of cavalier about it, but this is all sort of silly to me, as if anyone can just lose-weight, just like that <_snaps fingers_>.

Paradoxically-enough, most of us, somewhere along the line, have probably made ourselves yet-more fat in the desperate pursuit of getting more lean, more fit, through the kind of disordered approach anti-fat bias makes us so vulnerable to.

Even among those who took the WLS-approach, it's not something that happens just so easily.

It's kind of a silly thing to actually worry about.


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## loopytheone (Jul 3, 2018)

I do somewhat understand, you see all those pictures/stories of people losing 100s of pounds sensationalised in the media and it makes you fear that your partner will be one of those rare ones, and go from big and beautiful to thin and lean (which can be beautiful too, but typically not to FAs!). I admit, I get uncomfortable for numerous reasons when my partner talks about losing weight, because I fear him becoming a skinny gym rat that is only interested in working out and protein shakes. I know it is unlikely, but it does happen so it's a legitimate fear.


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## LJ Rock (Jul 3, 2018)

My question is, and it's not really clear from reading any of the posts in this thread thus far, is have you told her about what you're feeling? Have you been honest enough with this person for whom you have proclaimed your love for and wish to build a future with about what you're going through? 

Yes, every FA and/or FFA here has been through some sort of similar conflict at some point in there lives I am sure. Physical attraction is indeed a powerful thing and it can't be ignored, nor should it. There comes a time however in each of our lives where we need to decide which is more important to us: the satisfaction of having physical intercourse with a partner who meets nearly all or most of the attracting qualities on our proverbial 'checklist', or having a stable, meaningful relationship with someone we love and trust. In an ideal world we would have all of the above, but there's no such thing as perfection in life; things change, people change and sometimes we just gotta deal.


Your proclamation of support for your partner's bodily autonomy and her right to make her own health choices in life is crucial, but if you're not being honest with her about what you're feeling, about how strong your attraction to her size and shape is, then you're really short changing her - and your relationship. Personally I don't think supporting her choice to have a slimmer and/or healthier physique and expressing your love for her body as it exists now have to be mutually exclusive. It's possible to do both, but it will take some bending on both your parts, but the only way to arrive at such a place is to start a conversation about it. Compromise is something that is an integral part of any healthy relationship, as is open and honest communication. In the end she may never be the same person as the woman you first met - but she never would have been anyway, just as you're not the same person you were when she first met you. 


Again, things change. People change. This we can know. 


The mere act of "confessing" your feelings to her will rid you of a lot of your guilt I will venture to guess. I know you feel it's 'selfish' to wish that she would stay fat for you, and you're right. It is selfish, but it's how you feel. It's part of who you are - own it and be real about it. So many of us here in this funny little world of ours are so accustomed to skulking around in the shadows, being so covert about our desires, but part of the value of being a part of a community like this one is coming to terms with who we are and learning to accept and embrace it. I mean really, how hard is it to say, "Honey, I support your decision to lose some weight, but just so you'll know I really am attracted to you at your larger size, and I'm really going to miss that big belly of yours," or something of the like? Who knows what could come out of such a conversation? There's only one way to know.


The truth will set you free - now and always.


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## Banjoenelbano (Jul 5, 2018)

LJ Rock said:


> My question is, and it's not really clear from reading any of the posts in this thread thus far, is have you told her about what you're feeling? Have you been honest enough with this person for whom you have proclaimed your love for and wish to build a future with about what you're going through?
> 
> Yes, every FA and/or FFA here has been through some sort of similar conflict at some point in there lives I am sure. Physical attraction is indeed a powerful thing and it can't be ignored, nor should it. There comes a time however in each of our lives where we need to decide which is more important to us: the satisfaction of having physical intercourse with a partner who meets nearly all or most of the attracting qualities on our proverbial 'checklist', or having a stable, meaningful relationship with someone we love and trust. In an ideal world we would have all of the above, but there's no such thing as perfection in life; things change, people change and sometimes we just gotta deal.
> 
> ...



Sorry if I wasn't terribly clear, we had discussed it in the past, she's well aware of my attraction to her flab. And while I haven't mentioned my recent guilt about wanting her to stay fat it has come up before.

But honestly after many of the replies here I'm feeling alot better about the whole thing and I've been cringing alot less when she orders off the healthy menu lol


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## Tad (Jul 5, 2018)

One more thought: .Weight loss can also be about feeling in control. Especially if there are a lot of other things going on which she can't fully control. Those especially can be fairly short lived as it is more about proving to yourself that you can control your weight, knowing that you have succeeded and that you can do it again if you choose.


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## fuelingfire (Jul 7, 2018)

Talk to her is the best thing you can do. Did a ten pound weight loss really spark that much worry? 10 lbs on a 300 lbs person isn't very much.


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## Banjoenelbano (Jul 8, 2018)

fuelingfire said:


> Talk to her is the best thing you can do. Did a ten pound weight loss really spark that much worry? 10 lbs on a 300 lbs person isn't very much.



She's down 30 already for the record


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## tmur (Jul 8, 2018)

My fiance (now wife of 35 years) went on a crash diet before we married. As a noted above, this is common. It made her feel more beautiful and helped her shine on our wedding day. Then we started to have children. We had very healthy children, because my wife knew the importance of eating for two. She had friends that vowed to walk out of the hospital wearing their pre-pregnancy jeans. Those kids were not as healthy or large.

After that, she just decided to be a happy mother and eat whatever she desired. Which, coincidentally resulted in a more desirable, happy wife. When your wife KNOWS that you love her whether she is fat or thinner, it is easier for her to make both of you happy. And sexy as f.


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## finallyfat (Jul 9, 2018)

Banjoenelbano said:


> She's down 30 already for the record


Ugh... All those expensive meals eaten out... down the drain now.

Dragonfly was correct about "wandering" in response to weight loss. You were right to express your revulsion at the idea of betrayal. But there are other, more common ways of "cheating".

I see it all the time online. Guys whose wives/girls hate their fat and spend their lives trying to lose it. The guy becomes withdrawn (she hates what I love) and tentative (don't remind me I'm fat!) about what was once the best sex of his life.

What honorable guys do is not turn outward and run around. They turn inward and develop a secret sex life of fantasy and masturbation.

I read these guys all the time. They're lonely. They found a lover to share the secret with and then, she changed her mind. She took away his toy. But he still loved their fat secret.

The discomfort in this is that the fat-lover (you) has a growing sense of embarrassment once his intimate essentially says, "I don't really like the sex you like."

I think such a situation is unrepairable in the sense that you don't get what you want. And, funnily enough, she doesn't get what she wants. I assume she wants good sex. How are you gonna do that if you aren't turned on?

Your dilemma is real. Once you realize good sex is more important than flowers, notes and art museums you need to choose. The longer you wait the more restricted your choices become.

Don't suppress your nature. That's more unhealthy than boatloads of fat.


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## Banjoenelbano (Jul 9, 2018)

finallyfat said:


> Ugh... All those expensive meals eaten out... down the drain now.
> 
> Dragonfly was correct about "wandering" in response to weight loss. You were right to express your revulsion at the idea of betrayal. But there are other, more common ways of "cheating".
> 
> ...



I can't say I agree, given that my fiancè and I are still madly in love even though we haven't had sex in well over a year due largely to some knee injuries she sustained and her PCOS flaring up. I apologize for not mentioning that part sooner but i felt it was a little too personal, but the implication of your post made me feel the need to do so. Cause if there's one thing I've learned it's that sex is not terribly important. Like I'm glad I'm not a virgin, but I could conceivably go without sex for the rest of my life so long as I get to be with my fiancè. 

Flowers notes and art museums are way more important than good sex.


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## finallyfat (Jul 9, 2018)

Banjoenelbano said:


> I can't say I agree, given that my fiancè and I are still madly in love even though we haven't had sex in well over a year due largely to some knee injuries she sustained and her PCOS flaring up. I apologize for not mentioning that part sooner but i felt it was a little too personal, but the implication of your post made me feel the need to do so. Cause if there's one thing I've learned it's that sex is not terribly important. Like I'm glad I'm not a virgin, but I could conceivably go without sex for the rest of my life so long as I get to be with my fiancè.
> 
> Flowers notes and art museums are way more important than good sex.


 
That was quite an omission. 

Can't she at least blow you?


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## loopytheone (Jul 10, 2018)

Sex isn't important to a lot of people. To some people it is OMG so important, the most important ever, but some people aren't interested at all and everybody else exists on a spectrum in between.

There's nothing right or wrong either way. Healthy relationships can involve a lot of sex or no sex at all, as long as everybody is happy.


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## finallyfat (Jul 10, 2018)

finallyfat said:


> That was quite an omission.
> 
> Can't she at least blow you?



I do not believe that anyone who hasn't had sex in "well over a year" is in any sort of a healthy relationship.

I would stop referring to the person whom he's had no sex with for well over a year as his "fiance".

For accuracy's sake.

And, I think he's making it up. First post is a complaint about her losing weight when he likes her fat. This implies a sexual relationship.

There is no other reason for him to regret her weight loss.

So he, at least, wants sex. Thus his post about undesirable weight loss and his reaction to it. But then, in a later post, a minor detail surfaces- they haven't had sex in well over a year because of 2 health conditions she's dealing with- her knee (her knee!) and pcos flare ups.

Been engaged for over 4 years. Lives at home. No sex in over a year. She wants a change...

I would reconsider your status as "fiance".


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## loopytheone (Jul 10, 2018)

Right, because people who are different from you don't exist or anything.  

I'm asexual, I have no interest in having sex with someone. I assure you it is completely possible to have a healthy relationship without sex. Maybe it isn't possible for _you personally _but that doesn't mean it isn't possible for anyone.

I don't see how complaining about somebody losing weight implies a sexual relationship _at all. _People can have a love of fat and a strong need for a fat romantic partner without being in a sexual relationship with that person at that time. There's plenty of us out there, we aren't unicorns. You're making some huge and baseless assumptions here, again, assuming that everybody thinks/feels/acts like you when they don't.

And what, you would leave your fiancee of 4 years because they had health conditions that made them not want/be able to have sex with you? This baffles me. 

Seriously, Banjoe, you need to ignore the advice of people that don't understand you or your relationship. I absolutely understand and empathise with your situation and feelings, they are ones I struggle with myself. I'm in a relationship with a person that is around 300 lbs and trying to get down to 200 lbs, and it is really hard. You want to be supportive and respectful because you love them but the more animalistic side of your brain is screaming at your partner to stop it. 

My advice is boring, like everyone else, I advise talking to her about your feelings. Those are important and valid, and she needs to be understanding towards your internal distress over this. I'm sure you understand that this doesn't mean she has to change her actions or anything, but by talking about your feelings hopefully this can bring you even closer. I wish you two the best of luck together in the future!


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