# A Month Tommorow



## steely (Nov 7, 2009)

It will be a month tomorrow since my husband passed. I had to go find some paperwork that was stored in the building, all of his stored winter clothing was in there. Clothes he will never wear again. Clothes that remind me of how much I lost and how much I miss him.

He never knew how to dress before he met me. He always said I was the best thing that happened to him because I knew how to pick clothes that made him look good. I took great pride in that fact, whenever we went somewhere my husband looked good. It seems silly but it meant so much.

I miss him more than I can ever express.


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## Risible (Nov 7, 2009)

My God, Amy, how very, very difficult it must be for you ... I hope you have a good support system close by? I wish I could give you a hug, hon.


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## littlefairywren (Nov 7, 2009)

It's true, little things can be so important. They are not silly.
Much support. And yes, I too wish I could reach out and give you a hug Amy.


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## toni (Nov 7, 2009)

*hugs* I am so sorry for your loss.


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## mossystate (Nov 7, 2009)

I think about you often, Amy 

I was the one who told my Mom when my Dad had passed. I remember going into her bedroom, just after midnight. I told her, and as I was sitting on the edge of her bed, she started talking about how " he should be there, in that bed ". She talked about the clothing of his, hanging in the closet. She, too, helped my Dad with his fashion sense. I watched her face as I told her that she did a lot for him...and he did a lot for her. You did a lot for your sweetie, Amy...and your love and missing him shows it was not a one way street. 

There is nothing even remotely small about any memory...any touching what touched him...any smile...any tear...and especially the laughs, when you get to them.

Amy, just know that I will be reading anything you want to put in this thread. It is your thread. Never second guess if you should post that thought...or this memory. Use this, when you need to use it. Use the hell out of it. Gentle hugs, sweetie.


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## JerseyGirl07093 (Nov 7, 2009)

Not sure that anything I say will make a difference so I'm just going with this...(((((Amy))))).


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## olwen (Nov 7, 2009)

Hang in there Steely. Hugs.


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## Tania (Nov 8, 2009)

We are all with you. :*


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## D_A_Bunny (Nov 8, 2009)

There are no words that I can say to you that will take away your pain. Please know that I am very sorry for your loss. Please take comfort in the memories of your love. Whenever sharing makes you feel better, please do. Please accept this virtual hug. (((((((((((((Amy)))))))))))))))))


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## steely (Nov 8, 2009)

Thank you all for your support and kindness, you'll never know how much those virtual hugs mean to me. It's going to be hard today. I know God doesn't send you more than you can handle but this is way up there.


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## curvluver (Nov 8, 2009)

Giving you a big hug from me, and am so sorry for your loss. 

I haven't been on the boards lately as my father has been in the ICU for almost 8 weeks, and I've been with him. Unfortunately he passed away this week, so I know a little bit of what you've been going through.


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## steely (Nov 8, 2009)

curvluver said:


> Giving you a big hug from me, and am so sorry for your loss.
> 
> I haven't been on the boards lately as my father has been in the ICU for almost 8 weeks, and I've been with him. Unfortunately he passed away this week, so I know a little bit of what you've been going through.



I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard to know what to say. Even going through it myself, I still don't know.


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## SocialbFly (Nov 9, 2009)

Steely, i wish i could give you a big hug, while it doesnt cure what has happened, it lets you know you are not alone....





btw...you are not alone....there i said it.


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## moniquessbbw (Nov 9, 2009)

Big hugs, time heals all wounds.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 9, 2009)

I cannot say, and I will not say

That he is dead. He is just away.

With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand,

He has wandered into an unknown land.

And left us dreaming how very fair

It needs must be since he lingers there.

And you-O you, who the wildest yearn

For the old-time step and the glad return-

Think of him faring on, as dear

In the love of there as the love of here;

Think of him still as the same, I say;

He is not dead-he is just away!

_*James Whitcomb Riley *_


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## mergirl (Nov 9, 2009)

It must feel strange for a month to have gone by while time has seemed to stand still. 
Like Mossy said -I will be here to read when you need to write. We are all here for you. ((((Amy)))))
xLisa


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## superodalisque (Nov 9, 2009)

hugs to you sweetie


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## curvluver (Nov 9, 2009)

steely said:


> I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard to know what to say. Even going through it myself, I still don't know.



I don't think you ever know what to say. Basically just let them know you're there for them. I'm still not believing the whole thing is real. I'm sitting in my parents house right now, and am still expecting my dad to come through the door, or come up from the dock.


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## Fat.n.sassy (Nov 9, 2009)

steely said:


> It will be a month tomorrow since my husband passed. I had to go find some paperwork that was stored in the building, all of his stored winter clothing was in there. Clothes he will never wear again. Clothes that remind me of how much I lost and how much I miss him.
> 
> He never knew how to dress before he met me. He always said I was the best thing that happened to him because I knew how to pick clothes that made him look good. I took great pride in that fact, whenever we went somewhere my husband looked good. It seems silly but it meant so much.
> 
> I miss him more than I can ever express.



I am so sorry for you loss! That must be devastating. Then the blunt reminder today of his winter clothes. It is really cool that he let you chose clothes for him. That might turn into a sweet reminder at some point.

(((Hugs))) to you, Viv


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## Tau (Nov 10, 2009)

Big, warm hugs and many, many prayers to you Steely.


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## katorade (Nov 10, 2009)

mergirl said:


> It must feel strange for a month to have gone by while time has seemed to stand still.
> Like Mossy said -I will be here to read when you need to write. We are all here for you. ((((Amy)))))
> xLisa



I'll echo this sentiment and say that I'm one of many who feel honored to be the ears willing to listen, and in awe that you're strong enough to share with us. *hugs* Amy.


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## steely (Nov 10, 2009)

Thank you all for your support and being willing to listen. Sometimes that is all I need, just knowing that someone sent good thoughts or a prayer my way. It means so much to me. 

Still going to counseling and I'm pretty much still in shock and denial. It's the only thing I can process with my brain right now. It's going to take a long time, I'm afraid. This is nothing I've ever experienced and it hurts.


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## Ruffie (Nov 10, 2009)

Steely *hugs* Give yourself time. Everyone grieves in their own time and way and heals in their own time. You are NOT on a time line and you will find your feet underneath you one day. Just keep talking and feeling and know that you are doing what is right for YOU!


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## steely (Nov 14, 2009)

Well, I received the death certificate yesterday and ended up in the hospital with exhaustion and dehydration. I guess I'm not handling this very well. I don't know what will happen when I receive his ashes. I don't know how you are supposed to live through this pain.


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## ssflbelle (Nov 14, 2009)

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can't feel your pain as my recent death as you know was my Dad which is totally different. I do know that you need to take care of yourself even more now which isn't going to be easy but you have to keep functioning. Perhaps knowing that we are praying for you will give you the strength you need to carry on. Wish I could give you some hugs as physical contact always helps me. Consider these 2 very big and long hugs.
HHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGSSSS HHHHHHHUUUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSSS


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## mergirl (Nov 15, 2009)

steely said:


> Well, I received the death certificate yesterday and ended up in the hospital with exhaustion and dehydration. I guess I'm not handling this very well. I don't know what will happen when I receive his ashes. I don't know how you are supposed to live through this pain.


That must have been horrible for you as i guess it makes it seem 'real' somehow when its there in black and white. Perhaps if you are not ready to pick up his ashes is there someone else who could do it for you until you are ready?. Even then there is no rush for you to scatter them or even decide what is going to happen. Take your time.. and try your best to take care of yourself. Lots of love and good energy being sent your way. xxLisa


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## littlefairywren (Nov 15, 2009)

Amy, I always wonder how you are and think of you everytime I come to this board. I hope that your days get a little easier and that time will ease your pain. Please keep well.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 15, 2009)

Amy big hugs hon...I am so sorry..You need to take care of yourself hon..Please do it for all of us here that worry about your..

Mer has a good suggestion..Could one of his kids go pick the ashes up for you? Or maybe see if the funeral home will hold them until you feel ready to go get them? I know sometimes here the funeral homes will do that...Do not feel you have to rush through any of this...We all take grief differently and taking your time through it is not a bad thing...


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## steely (Nov 15, 2009)

Harold's ashes are being mailed to me from Oregon. We donated his body to science, he always wanted to help people and this way he did. It's the stark reality that he is gone when you receive the death certificate. I am trying to take care but not as hard as I should, I don't see the point much anymore. I'm not suicidal but I tend not to care so much anymore.

Thank you both for being so supportive, it does make it better.


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## ep3er (Nov 20, 2009)

Sending you a humongous hug!!!!


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## steely (Nov 20, 2009)

ep3er said:


> Sending you a humongous hug!!!!



Thank you dear, I'm doing a little better now. It's still hard but it is what it is, inescapeable, unfortunately. I appreciate your thought. :happy:


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## Punkin1024 (Nov 21, 2009)

Amy, 
I'm glad you are posting here. I hope it helps, just as I'll pray that you'll get stronger every day. I hope you are still getting grief conseling. I know it was a tremendous help to me after my Mom died. As many have said, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Sending many, many hugs your way.


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## steely (Nov 21, 2009)

Punkin1024 said:


> Amy,
> I'm glad you are posting here. I hope it helps, just as I'll pray that you'll get stronger every day. I hope you are still getting grief conseling. I know it was a tremendous help to me after my Mom died. As many have said, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Sending many, many hugs your way.



Thank you, Punkin. I am still going to grief support group but I'm not sure if that is what I need. I always leave feeling worse than I did when I got there. The women there are just so crushed and sad. They are older than I am and were with their spouses for forty years or more. It is so hard to see their pain. I will continue to go I guess, maybe for a little longer and see if I start feeling better.


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## Punkin1024 (Nov 22, 2009)

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry the support group isn't helping much. Perhaps you'll find more support here. It appears that a few Dimmers have been through this and I know they are supporting you here. I had one-on-one grief counseling with a psychologist and a psychiatrist (for the prescribed tranquilizers/anti-depressants). I went to this Dr. for a little over 3 months, until she felt I didn't need the sessions anymore. I didn't get help until about 4 months after my Mom died. I thought I could handle it on my own, but I had a nervous breakdown right before my 40th birthday. One day, I started crying in the shower and couldn't stop. Mark got me in to see my family Dr. and he prescribed prozac and said he'd only prescribe the anti-depressant if I'd agreed to get counseling. I know you will work your way through this and it does take time. No one knows anywhere how you feel and only you know what is best to help you through this. Just keep posting, we are here for you.


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## steely (Nov 22, 2009)

Thanks Punkin,

It's sunday and those are very hard, 6 weeks ago today. I'm usually alone on sunday, that makes it harder, I think. Sometimes I think I'm waiting to have a nervous breakdown. I can see it coming closer, sometimes it's further away but it's always there. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be able to get passed this. I know it's my own but I feel so lost. Everyone is still saying, if you need anything but I still don't know what I need. I need my husband but no one can give me that.


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## Punkin1024 (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are feeling lonely. May I suggest something? Have you tried journeling? I find that writing how I feel and what I'm experiencing helps me through tough spots. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## littlefairywren (Nov 23, 2009)

Please keep posting Amy, just like Punkin asked. I know that there is very little that any of us can provide you in the way of help, but there is always much support here for you. From myself included, all the way from Oz.

Hopefully, every little post you make may lighten your burden.


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## SocialbFly (Nov 23, 2009)

steely said:


> Well, I received the death certificate yesterday and ended up in the hospital with exhaustion and dehydration. I guess I'm not handling this very well. I don't know what will happen when I receive his ashes. I don't know how you are supposed to live through this pain.



Steely, may i make a suggestion? have you thought about writing down how you feel when all this is happening? the only reason i suggest it is two things, number one...it will help you process what you are feeling, number two, you wont see it now, you may not see it for a while, but you are handling this every day, each day you get up and out of bed is a testament to your stregnth....

keep talking to friends, dont isolate yourself, see if there is a group around to deal with death of a spouse...you may not think you need it, but the support, specially early on, may help ease some of this...

never forget we are here...and we care...


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## mergirl (Nov 23, 2009)

This. We are all here for you Amy and thinking about you. xx


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## steely (Nov 23, 2009)

I have tried to journal but it is too big for me to find the words about how I feel. I can give you the facts, what happened and when, but I can't put words to the emotion of how I feel. It just hurts. It is so huge and the loss is so great. Right now I'm just trying to make it through the days, sometimes the hour. Thank you for being here, there are times I think I might lose my mind but I can come here and you'll be here. I won't be so alone.


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## Punkin1024 (Nov 24, 2009)

Hi Amy,
Keep coming here. You know, I believe that Dimensions is very therapeutical for me too. I can just feel the care and concern radiating from this place sometimes. I'm still praying for you. Taking it one day, even one hour at a time is all any of us can do. As Di said, a few months from now, when you look back, you'll be amazed out how well you dealt with it and you will keep going. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## KuroBara (Nov 24, 2009)

steely said:


> I have tried to journal but it is too big for me to find the words about how I feel. I can give you the facts, what happened and when, but I can't put words to the emotion of how I feel. It just hurts. It is so huge and the loss is so great. Right now I'm just trying to make it through the days, sometimes the hour. Thank you for being here, there are times I think I might lose my mind but I can come here and you'll be here. I won't be so alone.


 

We are your friends and Internet family. We don't need big words. Whatever you can write is good enough for us. Just out it down on paper, and get it out of you, believe me, it will feel better. Facts are fine. We, your family, will put in the feelings!!


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## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 29, 2009)

steely said:


> I have tried to journal but it is too big for me to find the words about how I feel. I can give you the facts, what happened and when, but I can't put words to the emotion of how I feel. It just hurts. It is so huge and the loss is so great. Right now I'm just trying to make it through the days, sometimes the hour. Thank you for being here, there are times I think I might lose my mind but I can come here and you'll be here. I won't be so alone.



Amy you are never alone...Even if you are sitting in a room by yourself there is love all around you..We all care and love you Amy and we are sending that to you....Right now your emotions are so all over the place that you can not put your finger on just one and say,that is how I feel,I understand that.. Give it time,do not think days ahead or even hours ahead just think about being in this moment of time..They say time heals all wounds and that is true..Just give yourself as much time as you need...


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 29, 2009)

Oh Amy. I want to squeeze your hand so badly.  What a HELL this is to be navigating through, and we can hear you so loud and clear. I know I speak for so many us when I say that we are your friends and are here to hear you. You can dump anything here that you want to, you are not alone. 

*((((((Amy)))))))*


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## steely (Nov 29, 2009)

LillyBBBW said:


> Oh Amy. I want to squeeze your hand so badly.  What a HELL this is to be navigating through, and we can hear you so loud and clear. I know I speak for so many us when I say that we are your friends and are here to hear you. You can dump anything here that you want to, you are not alone.
> 
> *((((((Amy)))))))*



Thank you, Lilly
I'm feeling in limbo at this time. It's just sort of grey. The holidays are difficult, I think I just turned my mind off. At least I am getting the first holidays over this year, I won't be slapped with a cold dose of reality next year. I really wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 29, 2009)

steely said:


> Thank you, Lilly
> I'm feeling in limbo at this time. It's just sort of grey. The holidays are difficult, I think I just turned my mind off. At least I am getting the first holidays over this year, I won't be slapped with a cold dose of reality next year. I really wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.



I think it's perfectly understandable and appropriate for a person not to make any sense at all during these times. The things you've had to walk through... you should be able to drink straight from the carton if that's what you need to do without anybody getting in your way. There is no law against muddling through, especially now. 

This truly is the worst Amy.  Though it's near impossible to fathom exactly how, things will get better. In the meantime you don't have to produce anything because of anything. Just live. And hope.


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## littlefairywren (Nov 29, 2009)

I am thinking of you Amy. Sending you a ((((hug)))) and a hope that you are having a "good" day.


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## steely (Nov 29, 2009)

littlefairywren said:


> I am thinking of you Amy. Sending you a ((((hug)))) and a hope that you are having a "good" day.



Thank you dear, it's been alright today. Sometimes I have a hard time on Sunday because he passed on Sunday, 7 weeks ago today. It seems like forever and then it feels like yesterday. At this moment I am still here and that will be enough. I try not to project too much.


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## luscious_lulu (Nov 29, 2009)

steely said:


> Thank you dear, it's been alright today. Sometimes I have a hard time on Sunday because he passed on Sunday, 7 weeks ago today. It seems like forever and then it feels like yesterday. At this moment I am still here and that will be enough. I try not to project too much.



((((HUG))))


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## Punkin1024 (Nov 30, 2009)

We're still here for you too, Amy. Take all the time you need. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## Theresa48 (Dec 2, 2009)

You are in my thoughts and prayers as each day passes, I hope the pain lessens. It is a process that will take a lot of time so be patient with yourself and know there are many people who care about and love you.


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## steely (Dec 2, 2009)

Theresa48 said:


> You are in my thoughts and prayers as each day passes, I hope the pain lessens. It is a process that will take a lot of time so be patient with yourself and know there are many people who care about and love you.



Thank you. I appreciate your very kind words, they help tremendously.


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## Shosh (Dec 5, 2009)

View attachment tul.jpg


I think of you often, and I wonder how you are. I have been searching for a beautiful poem to post here. I have not found anything that fits quite perfectly yet, the search goes on.

With love

Susannah


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## steely (Dec 5, 2009)

Shosh said:


> View attachment 73851
> 
> 
> I think of you often, and I wonder how you are. I have been searching for a beautiful poem to post here. I have not found anything that fits quite perfectly yet, the search goes on.
> ...



Thank you Susannah, I'm alright. Life goes on and some days are better than others. Sometimes I almost feel like my old self but I'll never be the same. I remember who I was before and it's painful. Time will pass and hopefully I'll be able to look back on this and smile. Be happy for the time we had together.


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## Fascinita (Dec 5, 2009)

*waves to steely*

I hope your sleep has been better.


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## steely (Dec 5, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> *waves to steely*
> 
> I hope your sleep has been better.



* Hi, there * 

Not much as of yet but still trying


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## littlefairywren (Dec 6, 2009)

Amy, a while back when I was having trouble sleeping I tried using INSOMIN-X. It states on the box that it is all natural. I am wondering if you have it over there. 

They took about 3 or so days after taking them every night, to get my sleep patterns back to normal. And did not leave me feeling like a zombie the next day, which was a bonus. 

Thinking of you....


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## steely (Dec 6, 2009)

Thanks littlefairywren, 
I took some melatonin last night and slept better than I have in weeks. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was exhausted or the melatonin. I'm going to try it again tonight and see. For some reason yesterday was a very hard day. It may have been that I was emotionally drained. I'll keep you updated. Thank you for thinking of me.


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## bexy (Dec 6, 2009)

Thinking of you Amy, sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts from myself, George and little Ivy xxxx


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## steely (Dec 6, 2009)

bexy said:


> Thinking of you Amy, sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts from myself, George and little Ivy xxxx



Thank you, bexy. I think of you three often. It's nice to think of your happy little family. I hope you are all well and have a wonderful holiday this year.


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## GoldenDelicious (Dec 15, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand the clothes thing. My mum passed away just over 3 years ago now and I remember sorting through all of her clothes. My dad insisted that I do it about a week after her funeral and I really wasn't ready. I felt utter despair and was going through all of these clothes that I knew I'd never see her in again. Also lots of clothes we had been shopping for together and loads she'd never actually worn. I can't even explain the feelings I had about them but I'm sure you will understand. Over the coming months and years you will experience constant reminders of your husband, from a favourite food of his to a smell or a song you hear, as time goes by these things shift from being triggers of pain to warm memories that make you smile. honestly they will. I'm sending you positive thoughts and energies. 

Oh and in the mean time there is a poem that pretty much summed up my feelings when my mum passed away, it's called Stop all the clocks by WH Auden. It was made famous in the movie four weddings and a funeral (John Hanna recites it beautifully) it is such a moving poem. xxxx


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## steely (Dec 16, 2009)

GoldenDelicious said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand the clothes thing. My mum passed away just over 3 years ago now and I remember sorting through all of her clothes. My dad insisted that I do it about a week after her funeral and I really wasn't ready. I felt utter despair and was going through all of these clothes that I knew I'd never see her in again. Also lots of clothes we had been shopping for together and loads she'd never actually worn. I can't even explain the feelings I had about them but I'm sure you will understand. Over the coming months and years you will experience constant reminders of your husband, from a favourite food of his to a smell or a song you hear, as time goes by these things shift from being triggers of pain to warm memories that make you smile. honestly they will. I'm sending you positive thoughts and energies.
> 
> Oh and in the mean time there is a poem that pretty much summed up my feelings when my mum passed away, it's called Stop all the clocks by WH Auden. It was made famous in the movie four weddings and a funeral (John Hanna recites it beautifully) it is such a moving poem. xxxx



Thank you,
Lately it has been very hard. I find myself missing him so much. It's like a stabbing pain. It doesn't seem to last long but it hurts. Sometimes to the point of taking my breath away. At times I feel normal but that is a scary feeling as well. It's like I've lost him and I've lost myself with him. Mostly, I try not to feel too much or I will end up in the state asylum. I know that is not what you are supposed to do but it's the only way I can keep from losing my mind.

I love that poem, it's one of my favorites. I love to listen to John Hannah recite the poem. There is something beautiful in the lilt of his speech. I could listen to him forever.


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## Shosh (Dec 16, 2009)

steely said:


> Thank you,
> Lately it has been very hard. I find myself missing him so much. It's like a stabbing pain. It doesn't seem to last long but it hurts. Sometimes to the point of taking my breath away. At times I feel normal but that is a scary feeling as well. It's like I've lost him and I've lost myself with him. Mostly, I try not to feel too much or I will end up in the state asylum. I know that is not what you are supposed to do but it's the only way I can keep from losing my mind.
> 
> I love that poem, it's one of my favorites. I love to listen to John Hannah recite the poem. There is something beautiful in the lilt of his speech. I could listen to him forever.



I am not sure what to say Amy. I think of you often.

The grieving process takes years, so do not rush yourself. You are at, where you are at with it all.

xoxo


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## the_captain (Dec 16, 2009)

Steely, I just found this thread. Please let me add my condolences to all the others. It sounds like you and your husband were soul mates. I don't know if his passing was unexpected or not, but either way the grief is the same. I lost my mother a few years ago. While not the same as losing a spouse, we were very close and I can understand what you must be going through. (I did lose a spouse through divorce due to her infidelity - that was painful enough!)

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. And as many others have offered, my shoulder is available if you need one to lean on!


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## steely (Dec 16, 2009)

Shosh said:


> I am not sure what to say Amy. I think of you often.
> 
> The grieving process takes years, so do not rush yourself. You are at, where you are at with it all.
> 
> xoxo



Thank you Shosh,
You don't have to know what to say. It's enough that you told me. Most people don't know what to say, I don't even know what to say myself. It helps tremendously just to know you think of me. I appreciate it very much.

I think it's to be expected, the way I feel. With time I know it will get better, it's just going to take time. It's cliche but true.


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## Miss Vickie (Dec 16, 2009)

This is the worst time of year to be missing people you love. I so feel for you, Steely. I hope you can get through this holiday without too much pain, and know that while you will always hold him in your heart, it does get easier.

Thinking of you...


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## steely (Dec 16, 2009)

Miss Vickie said:


> This is the worst time of year to be missing people you love. I so feel for you, Steely. I hope you can get through this holiday without too much pain, and know that while you will always hold him in your heart, it does get easier.
> 
> Thinking of you...



Thank you Vickie, it is very hard right now.


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## Punkin1024 (Dec 16, 2009)

Just posting to let you know I'm keeping tabs on you Amy. You are in my prayers every night. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## littlefairywren (Dec 17, 2009)

How are you today Amy?
I just wanted to come and say hello to you my virtual friend, and let you know that you are in my thoughts.


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## steely (Dec 17, 2009)

Punkin1024 said:


> Just posting to let you know I'm keeping tabs on you Amy. You are in my prayers every night. (((((((Amy)))))))



Thanks Punkin, I appreciate the help.


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## steely (Dec 17, 2009)

littlefairywren said:


> How are you today Amy?
> I just wanted to come and say hello to you my virtual friend, and let you know that you are in my thoughts.



Hi littlefairy, I'm hanging in there. Same old, same old, some days are better than others. Today seems ok, I'm going to try to keep it that way. Thanks for thinking of me.


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## GoldenDelicious (Dec 18, 2009)

I totally get that 
You said it's like a stabbing pain. some days I actually feel a physical ache that I cant explain, for a long time I felt it constantly, nowadays it comes and goes. I know its a vast gaping hole where my mum used to be. I physically ache with the emptiness I feel and the sadness at how much I miss her. She was my mum, my best friend and my security and comfort. It was so tough for a long time. I still have my dad and I'm grateful for that and I now have Mergirl, who wasn't in my life before. Even so, everything has changed, it's different now and there is a happiness and a relationship that can never be replaced and do you know what? That's ok. The relationship you had with your husband was one thing and it was special, it can never be equalled and it can never be replaced.Feel what you feel and know its ok to feel it. my thoughts are with you xx


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## steely (Dec 19, 2009)

GoldenDelicious said:


> I totally get that
> You said it's like a stabbing pain. some days I actually feel a physical ache that I cant explain, for a long time I felt it constantly, nowadays it comes and goes. I know its a vast gaping hole where my mum used to be. I physically ache with the emptiness I feel and the sadness at how much I miss her. She was my mum, my best friend and my security and comfort. It was so tough for a long time. I still have my dad and I'm grateful for that and I now have Mergirl, who wasn't in my life before. Even so, everything has changed, it's different now and there is a happiness and a relationship that can never be replaced and do you know what? That's ok. The relationship you had with your husband was one thing and it was special, it can never be equalled and it can never be replaced.Feel what you feel and know its ok to feel it. my thoughts are with you xx



Your words give me so much comfort. I always seem to catch you in the mornings. I have a good cry and then your words help so much. I am not very eloquent lately but you have helped so much. Sometimes you need to hear someone say, it's ok. Thank you


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## XXXLGBBW (Dec 19, 2009)

Amy, i am so sorry for your loss... I can honestly say I know how you feel... I lost my husband from a hart attack one year ago on the 13th of December... I have made it one year... I still miss him as much if not more then when I lost him... The only advice I can give you is to take it oneiday at a time... if you look any further it is too much to handle..

Everyday I ask for strength to make it one more day without him..We were truly soulmates and we had a fairytale marriage.. So I am so very thankful of the time we had together...

This past year has proven to me that I am a strong person... I lost my husband in December in January my mother was diagnose with a brain tumor and passed in July and my brother-n-law died one week after my mother. 

If you ever want to talk or cry on my shoulder I am there for you..

Just remember oneday at a time..

Big Hug...

Cathy


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## bigjayne66 (Dec 20, 2009)

I still hurt inside at times and my hubby died over 6 years ago,and I still miss him now,I hope your pain will ease,and you will be left with only happy memories..((((hugs))))


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## littlefairywren (Dec 20, 2009)

Amy, thank you!!
From the bottom of my heart


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## SocialbFly (Dec 21, 2009)

just letting you know i am thinking of you, hugs.


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## Punkin1024 (Dec 21, 2009)

Just letting you know I'm thinking of you too. Glad to see you playing the games and apps on Facebook. I love all the hearts you send. Hugs to you!


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## cherylharrell (Dec 21, 2009)

I'm in tears reading this. Do know I fell for you and totally understand. In March of 2009, my darling hubby Mike passed on from a sudden heart attack. Since I was a homemaker taking care of him with his being legally blind due to undiagnosed diabetes and the diabetes, I could not afford to keep living in my home so I had to move in with my folks & rent out my home. My folks didn't have room for all my stuff so I had to let stuff go to auction like alot of his stuff, furniture, dishes, cooking stuff, knicknacks etc. In fact some stuff I wanted to keep that was not supposed to go to auction accidentally went to auction or got accidentally thrown out all by mistake. So I lost not only a husband but tons of my stuff. I still connot believe my darling Mike is gone. It is such a shock and I hurt so bad. Some days it seems as if he was just a good dream and not really real, other days I know he is in heaven and miss him but somehow carry on. And other days I am all to pieces. I can go to pieces at anytime and go in and out of believe he is gone and not believing it. It is such a shock and something I will never get over ever. I want him back so bad.

I was going to a local grief support group which just ended. What I got out of it basically was it was okay to feel what I am feeling and others are going thru it and the same thing too.

Prayers just said for ya. Do know I am here for ya. I am going thru it too. Even now 9 months later I am still hurting and in pain. He was my one and only love. He used to call me his volumptuous woman except he would mispronounce it as vumperous woman. And I'd tell him not it's volumptuous not vumperous. Hugs from me too...


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## steely (Dec 21, 2009)

XXXLGBBW said:


> Amy, i am so sorry for your loss... I can honestly say I know how you feel... I lost my husband from a hart attack one year ago on the 13th of December... I have made it one year... I still miss him as much if not more then when I lost him... The only advice I can give you is to take it oneiday at a time... if you look any further it is too much to handle..
> 
> Everyday I ask for strength to make it one more day without him..We were truly soulmates and we had a fairytale marriage.. So I am so very thankful of the time we had together...
> 
> ...



I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I can't imagine losing so many people at one time. Losing my husband has been one of the most difficult periods of my life. It would be so hard to lose more than him. I'm glad to see that you have made it a year. It gives me hope that I might be able to do the same.

It is so hard to live life from this one day at a time place. I find myself projecting and becoming overwhelmed at the thought of it all. I'm afraid that I too will miss him more as time passes. The thought of more pain terrifies me. It's hard enough from day to day.

Thank you and I am sorry to hear of your losses, I do know a small part of that kind of pain. It is devastating.


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## steely (Dec 21, 2009)

bigjayne66 said:


> I still hurt inside at times and my hubby died over 6 years ago,and I still miss him now,I hope your pain will ease,and you will be left with only happy memories..((((hugs))))



Thank you bigjayne, I hope to be feeling better. I'm sure that I will always feel his loss acutely. I really hope to work my way through this grief. I want to remember the happy times. He meant so much to me.


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## steely (Dec 21, 2009)

littlefairywren said:


> Amy, thank you!!
> From the bottom of my heart





SocialbFly said:


> just letting you know i am thinking of you, hugs.





Punkin1024 said:


> Just letting you know I'm thinking of you too. Glad to see you playing the games and apps on Facebook. I love all the hearts you send. Hugs to you!



Thanks, you three.  Just knowing that you are thinking of me lifts my heart.


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## steely (Dec 21, 2009)

cherylharrell said:


> I'm in tears reading this. Do know I fell for you and totally understand. In March of 2009, my darling hubby Mike passed on from a sudden heart attack. Since I was a homemaker taking care of him with his being legally blind due to undiagnosed diabetes and the diabetes, I could not afford to keep living in my home so I had to move in with my folks & rent out my home. My folks didn't have room for all my stuff so I had to let stuff go to auction like alot of his stuff, furniture, dishes, cooking stuff, knicknacks etc. In fact some stuff I wanted to keep that was not supposed to go to auction accidentally went to auction or got accidentally thrown out all by mistake. So I lost not only a husband but tons of my stuff. I still connot believe my darling Mike is gone. It is such a shock and I hurt so bad. Some days it seems as if he was just a good dream and not really real, other days I know he is in heaven and miss him but somehow carry on. And other days I am all to pieces. I can go to pieces at anytime and go in and out of believe he is gone and not believing it. It is such a shock and something I will never get over ever. I want him back so bad.
> 
> I was going to a local grief support group which just ended. What I got out of it basically was it was okay to feel what I am feeling and others are going thru it and the same thing too.
> 
> Prayers just said for ya. Do know I am here for ya. I am going thru it too. Even now 9 months later I am still hurting and in pain. He was my one and only love. He used to call me his volumptuous woman except he would mispronounce it as vumperous woman. And I'd tell him not it's volumptuous not vumperous. Hugs from me too...



Thank you Cheryl, I remember when your husband passed away. I didn't have the knowledge to understand then how hard you were having it. I am sorry. I know how hard it is now, I think the suddeness of it all is particularly hard. One minute they are there and the next gone, forever. No chance to to say goodbye, to tell them how much they mean to you, thank you for being part of my life, I will miss you so much. They are just gone and you are left behind.

I went to grief support. It was difficult because the women were so much older than myself and they had husbands who passed after illness. You have a little more time if you know they are going to pass. I must say I get frustrated with the, it's your path thing. Feel how you feel, it takes time, you can only do this your way. I am a take charge person and it's too vague to comfort me. I know it logically but I feel completely different.

Thank you for reaching out to me, I know how hard it is to reach out from this place. If you ever need to talk, drop me a line. I do understand, you and I are walking the same path, almost at the same time.


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## Theresa48 (Dec 25, 2009)

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope very much that you are doing well during the holidays...which I know must really be difficult. I've lost my dad, mom and brother so I know what it is like to grieve for a long time. Eventually, it will not hurt quite so much. Take care!


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## steely (Dec 26, 2009)

Theresa48 said:


> Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope very much that you are doing well during the holidays...which I know must really be difficult. I've lost my dad, mom and brother so I know what it is like to grieve for a long time. Eventually, it will not hurt quite so much. Take care!



Thank you Theresa, I hope you are well. Yesterday was very hard. After everyone leaves, it becomes unbearable. It is over now and while I love my family, there is a huge hole in my life. I hope you are right and eventually it will not hurt quite so much.


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## Theresa48 (Dec 26, 2009)

From my experience, I know it will become better for you. The sharp, stabbing pain of the intense grieving will give way. Takes time and that amount of time varies from person to person. My dad was the last of the three to pass away. As long as he was alive, I could "pretend" the others were, too (crazy, I know.) When he died, it was horrible for me. A number of years later, I now am able to sort through his things and even give many of them away without feeling like I was giving him away again. I think for me, there will always be a piece of my heart missing but the pain that missing piece causes is not so intense and the memories I have of them are now a huge comfort. I can talk about them and smile and know it is okay to go on with my life and be happy. That is what they would want me to do. 

Takes time to believe it will happen to you. It is okay to grieve and cry and be sad. It is okay to lean on your family and friends to help you through this time. If you feel it is truly more than you can handle, please get some professional help to guide you through the process. That is okay, too. Through your posts I know you to be a kind, caring person. Take care of yourself! I bet that is what your husband would have wanted you to do. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.


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## littlefairywren (Dec 26, 2009)

You were in my thoughts on Christmas day Amy, as you are today. Keep warm and keep well. But most of all, know that you have much love here.


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## Punkin1024 (Dec 26, 2009)

I was thinking about you on Christmas day and today. I know it is tough on the first major holiday without your loved one, but, as Theresa said, it does get better with time. Now, when I remember my Mom, I remember how she always loved Christmas and would love for me to enjoy the holidays as she did, so I baked her famous Cheesecake yesterday...in her honor.


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## steely (Dec 27, 2009)

Theresa48 said:


> From my experience, I know it will become better for you. The sharp, stabbing pain of the intense grieving will give way. Takes time and that amount of time varies from person to person. My dad was the last of the three to pass away. As long as he was alive, I could "pretend" the others were, too (crazy, I know.) When he died, it was horrible for me. A number of years later, I now am able to sort through his things and even give many of them away without feeling like I was giving him away again. I think for me, there will always be a piece of my heart missing but the pain that missing piece causes is not so intense and the memories I have of them are now a huge comfort. I can talk about them and smile and know it is okay to go on with my life and be happy. That is what they would want me to do.
> 
> Takes time to believe it will happen to you. It is okay to grieve and cry and be sad. It is okay to lean on your family and friends to help you through this time. If you feel it is truly more than you can handle, please get some professional help to guide you through the process. That is okay, too. Through your posts I know you to be a kind, caring person. Take care of yourself! I bet that is what your husband would have wanted you to do. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.



Thank you, I really hope that in time something will be a comfort. No one even mentioned him this year. I guess I could have but it's been pretty clear everyone thinks it's time for me to move on. I don't see that as possible but it's more something to deal with on my own now. My own pain, I guess.


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## steely (Dec 27, 2009)

littlefairywren said:


> You were in my thoughts on Christmas day Amy, as you are today. Keep warm and keep well. But most of all, know that you have much love here.



Thank you, I am very grateful to have all of you to help me.


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## steely (Dec 27, 2009)

Punkin1024 said:


> I was thinking about you on Christmas day and today. I know it is tough on the first major holiday without your loved one, but, as Theresa said, it does get better with time. Now, when I remember my Mom, I remember how she always loved Christmas and would love for me to enjoy the holidays as she did, so I baked her famous Cheesecake yesterday...in her honor.



I'm glad to hear that. I really hope to be where you are one day. Right now I can only remember how much he loved Christmas and how many more I will have without him. It's not a happy thought. As you say though, the first holidays are the hardest, perhaps next year will be better. I hope so.


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## mergirl (Dec 27, 2009)

steely said:


> Thank you, I really hope that in time something will be a comfort. No one even mentioned him this year. I guess I could have but it's been pretty clear everyone thinks it's time for me to move on. I don't see that as possible but it's more something to deal with on my own now. My own pain, I guess.


Gd said that the fact that people don't mention her mum is really hard for her. I think people are afraid that they will upset you. I dont think anyone will be thinking that you should move on especially as it has been so soon since your husband passed. I know that there will be times you feel you want to talk about him and if you feel you can't in other places i hope you know there are a lot of people here who would love for you to talk about him when you feel you want or need to. I know this time must be painful Amy. Stick in there. We are here for you. xx


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## rainyday (Dec 27, 2009)

steely said:


> Thank you, I really hope that in time something will be a comfort. No one even mentioned him this year. I guess I could have but it's been pretty clear everyone thinks it's time for me to move on. I don't see that as possible but it's more something to deal with on my own now. My own pain, I guess.



The name never spoken. People want you to move on for their own comfort. They fear tears, they fear emotion because they don't know what they're supposed to do back. They don't get that what the silence does is just lacerate you more and make you feel very, very alone. Grief is an amazingly fast way to find out who in your circle has emotional intelligence and who just doesn't have the skills to be there for you. The ones who do though can help so much.

Forgive the others for their cluelessness and take whatever time you need and find support where you can. It's ridiculous to imagine you'd be okay at this point or thinking of anything but that empty place beside you at the table.


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## Tania (Dec 27, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I think people are afraid that they will upset you. I dont think anyone will be thinking that you should move on especially as it has been so soon since your husband passed.



I do this. :/ I'm sometimes terrified of hurting someone or saying something stupid and unwittingly disrespectful. 

That said, I am totally, totally down for listening or discussion if that's what my friend needs/wants. I feel honored to be able to be a friend and help, even in such a small way. 

Merry Christmas, Amy, and *hugs*.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Dec 27, 2009)

I find it interesting that no one mentioned his name..Maybe it is just my family that is weird but we talk about our deceased all the time..It might bring tears but you can bet there will be some laughter in it as well...

During my younger brother's funeral we buried him in a cemetery way out in the country... Beside the cemetery was a cow pasture loaded with cows..As we were waiting for every one to gather around the grave site,one of the cows moooed...My other 2 brothers and I said,"Sounds like Robert Dale wants us to get this show on the road"..Funny thing is we all said the same thing at the same time..It caused people around us to laugh and we sent him off the way he wanted to be sent off,people laughing..

To me the easiest part of dealing with my grief was sharing stories of my 2 brothers and my Mom during these last 10 to 12 years..It lessened the hurt for me to remember how special they were and how much they had brought into my life..I have decided to write a family story for my g'baby so she will know her deceased relatives and how much they were loved and how much they added to our family...

Hugss to you dear Amy..I hope as you struggle through each day it gets easier and easier for you..I hope you find peace and understanding...Know you are very loved!


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## steely (Dec 31, 2009)

I haven't really known what to say lately. The thought of the upcoming year fills me with despair. I don't know how to begin a year without him.


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## Shosh (Dec 31, 2009)

steely said:


> I haven't really known what to say lately. The thought of the upcoming year fills me with despair. I don't know how to begin a year without him.



My heart really hurts for you Amy.

Have you thought of any special moments that you shared on New Years Eve's past?

What did you and your husband like to do? Sometimes thinking of times that were special can bring you comfort.

Did your husband ever do or say anything on new Years that made you smile or laugh?


xoxo


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## littlefairywren (Dec 31, 2009)

Amy, a Happy New Year from Australia. Though I know that happiness may be elusive right now, I also wish you a time of healing and ease in 2010. Much love....Kimberly


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## BubbleButtBabe (Dec 31, 2009)

steely said:


> I haven't really known what to say lately. The thought of the upcoming year fills me with despair. I don't know how to begin a year without him.





I am so sorry Sweetie....I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything would be easy and you wouldn't have to hurt so much...

Amy that is the thing,you do not have to say a word,just know we are all here for you and love you so very much..


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## Theresa48 (Jan 1, 2010)

You are in my thoughts a lot. I check in daily to see how you are doing. I truly understand how difficult this night and this holiday season is for you. Know that a lot of us care and want to support you through it. While time may seem like an enemy right now...I promise it will not always be so. Many hugs and good wishes!!!!


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## steely (Jan 3, 2010)

Thank you ladies, it is hard to talk about it sometimes. Lately for some reason, I just don't want to think about it. I know you aren't supposed to do that but it is so hard to be an open wound all the time. Still hanging in there.


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## luscious_lulu (Jan 3, 2010)

steely said:


> Thank you ladies, it is hard to talk about it sometimes. Lately for some reason, I just don't want to think about it. I know you aren't supposed to do that but it is so hard to be an open wound all the time. Still hanging in there.



((((hugs))))


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## Punkin1024 (Jan 4, 2010)

Hi Amy,
Love your new Avatar photo! Sometimes, putting all the hurt out of your mind for a while, is a good thing. 

Hugs to you, dear friend!


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## steely (Jan 4, 2010)

Thank you Ella 

It is a relief sometimes just not to think about it so much.


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## AuntHen (Jan 8, 2010)

I said a prayer for you, that you may be comforted and strengthened! God bless you sweetie:wubu:


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## steely (Jan 9, 2010)

fat9276 said:


> I said a prayer for you, that you may be comforted and strengthened! God bless you sweetie:wubu:



Thank you 

Yesterday was hard. Biogift, for some reason, sent me a list of all the procedures that were done to Harolds body to further scientific research. I didn't realize they were going to do this, I know he helped countless numbers of people but it's really hard to read that.


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## steely (Jan 9, 2010)

I swear if one more thing dies on me, I am never going to recover. I had to have Ms. Kitty put to sleep this morning. She had kidney failure. I had her for 15 years, she was like my child. How much loss is one person supposed to endure at one time?


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## littlefairywren (Jan 9, 2010)

steely said:


> I swear if one more thing dies on me, I am never going to recover. I had to have Ms. Kitty put to sleep this morning. She had kidney failure. I had her for 15 years, she was like my child. How much loss is one person supposed to endure at one time?



My dear friend, I have no words to make you feel better. I wish there was some way to help you feel less pain...
You are always in my prayers Amy.


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## Punkin1024 (Jan 9, 2010)

Oh..Amy, what a sad blow. I am so sorry you lost another loved one. You know, Mark told me once that he cried more when he had to put one of our dear kitties to sleep than he did at his Grandmother's funeral. It is hard, bless your heart. I'll keep you in my prayers. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## BubbleButtBabe (Jan 9, 2010)

steely said:


> I swear if one more thing dies on me, I am never going to recover. I had to have Ms. Kitty put to sleep this morning. She had kidney failure. I had her for 15 years, she was like my child. How much loss is one person supposed to endure at one time?




I am so sorry Amy,hugsss hon..Speaking from experience you wont be given more then you can bear..I know it seems like a lot but I bet you are stronger then what you are giving yourself credit for..It will get easier I promise,it will...When I lost my brother suddenly knowing my Mom was dying I did not think I would survive but I did when 4 months later she passed..


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## steely (Jan 10, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> My dear friend, I have no words to make you feel better. I wish there was some way to help you feel less pain...
> You are always in my prayers Amy.





Punkin1024 said:


> Oh..Amy, what a sad blow. I am so sorry you lost another loved one. You know, Mark told me once that he cried more when he had to put one of our dear kitties to sleep than he did at his Grandmother's funeral. It is hard, bless your heart. I'll keep you in my prayers. (((((((Amy)))))))





BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am so sorry Amy,hugsss hon..Speaking from experience you wont be given more then you can bear..I know it seems like a lot but I bet you are stronger then what you are giving yourself credit for..It will get easier I promise,it will...When I lost my brother suddenly knowing my Mom was dying I did not think I would survive but I did when 4 months later she passed..



Thank you, I'm not feeling very strong. It just seems that everything I love is being taken from me.


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## Shosh (Jan 10, 2010)

steely said:


> I swear if one more thing dies on me, I am never going to recover. I had to have Ms. Kitty put to sleep this morning. She had kidney failure. I had her for 15 years, she was like my child. How much loss is one person supposed to endure at one time?



So sorry Amy. I know just how much we love our precious pets.
If anything happened to Cindy I know that I would be a wreck.

Regarding not always wanting to think about everything you have been through, there are no rules, just face each moment as it comes. It does not mean you love your beloved any less if you feel you need mental space from it all.
I believe it is healthy.
xoxo


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## steely (Jan 10, 2010)

Thank you, Shosh. 
I appreciate what you are saying. I'm just so tired of being sad.


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## Fascinita (Jan 10, 2010)

I'm sorry about your kitty, Amy.


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## Theresa48 (Jan 10, 2010)

(((((Hugs)))))) Thinking about you and wishing you the best. Very sorry about your cat. I know how much we can love our pets. Take care of yourself!


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## Pharadox (Jan 10, 2010)

I do not know you... but my heart goes out to you so, so much. I am so very sorry about the loss you've experienced.


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## olwen (Jan 10, 2010)

steely said:


> I swear if one more thing dies on me, I am never going to recover. I had to have Ms. Kitty put to sleep this morning. She had kidney failure. I had her for 15 years, she was like my child. How much loss is one person supposed to endure at one time?



Oh no, how sad...sorry about your cat. {{{{Steely}}}}


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## steely (Jan 10, 2010)

Fascinita said:


> I'm sorry about your kitty, Amy.





Theresa48 said:


> (((((Hugs)))))) Thinking about you and wishing you the best. Very sorry about your cat. I know how much we can love our pets. Take care of yourself!





Pharadox said:


> I do not know you... but my heart goes out to you so, so much. I am so very sorry about the loss you've experienced.





olwen said:


> Oh no, how sad...sorry about your cat. {{{{Steely}}}}



Thank you, all of you. It's a hard day.


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## Santaclear (Jan 10, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear about Ms. Kitty, Steely.


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## steely (Jan 10, 2010)

Santaclear said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about Ms. Kitty, Steely.



Thank you, I appreciate your kindness.


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## steely (Jan 10, 2010)

As a remedy for complete misery, I grouted my kitchen counter today. I loved being married to Harold, he taught me so much, such as how to lay tile and grout. I built the deck out front with him. We made countless bookshelves, two beautiful hope chests for his Grandaughters. We made Adirondack chairs that sit in my front yard. He taught me so much and I am so grateful that he was given to me. Here are a few pics. I am really proud to have learned from the best.


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## rainyday (Jan 10, 2010)

Go you!  What a great thing he gave you. Having skills is an awesome thing. It's independence and strength. I hope you enjoy seeing your work every time you're in the kitchen. Well done.


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## luscious_lulu (Jan 10, 2010)

(((((giant hugs)))))

I know things seem overwhelming, but they will get better. Just remember there are lots of people who care about you. :kiss2:


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## steely (Jan 10, 2010)

rainyday said:


> Go you!  What a great thing he gave you. Having skills is an awesome thing. It's independence and strength. I hope you enjoy seeing your work every time you're in the kitchen. Well done.



Thanks, Rainy. I miss working with him. It's nice to be able to do these things but I miss working beside him so much.



luscious_lulu said:


> (((((giant hugs)))))
> 
> I know things seem overwhelming, but they will get better. Just remember there are lots of people who care about you. :kiss2:



Thanks, lulu. I'm trying to remember, I'm lucky, you all remind me so often.


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## rainyday (Jan 10, 2010)

steely said:


> Thanks, Rainy. I miss working with him. It's nice to be able to do these things but I miss working beside him so much.



I know. That ache is a big one and not much relieves it. Hugs.


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## calauria (Jan 11, 2010)

my condolences...


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## steely (Jan 11, 2010)

calauria said:


> my condolences...



Thank you, calauria, I appreciate your kind thoughts,


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## mergirl (Jan 13, 2010)

steely said:


> As a remedy for complete misery, I grouted my kitchen counter today. I loved being married to Harold, he taught me so much, such as how to lay tile and grout. I built the deck out front with him. We made countless bookshelves, two beautiful hope chests for his Grandaughters. We made Adirondack chairs that sit in my front yard. He taught me so much and I am so grateful that he was given to me. Here are a few pics. I am really proud to have learned from the best.


That is some smashing grouting Amy!! Its amazing when we think about all the things inside us that were given to us by people who are not here anymore. I know how to play chess, how to get birds out of strawberry nets (and generally to be kind to all animals), how to identify snooker balls on a black and white tv! lol, how to play ludo, a lot of manners, how to make pancakes and so much more, all from an amazing old couple who lived next door to me and died about 20 years ago.


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## steely (Jan 13, 2010)

mergirl said:


> That is some smashing grouting Amy!! Its amazing when we think about all the things inside us that were given to us by people who are not here anymore. I know how to play chess, how to get birds out of strawberry nets (and generally to be kind to all animals), how to identify snooker balls on a black and white tv! lol, how to play ludo, a lot of manners, how to make pancakes and so much more, all from an amazing old couple who lived next door to me and died about 20 years ago.



I really like to think people are brought into our lives for a reason. I just wish it was easier to let go when it's time for them to go.


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## mergirl (Jan 13, 2010)

steely said:


> I really like to think people are brought into our lives for a reason. I just wish it was easier to let go when it's time for them to go.


ach, i know. I think the fact that people become so much a part of us is the very reason they are so very difficult to let go. Its almost like we can't trust we can go it alone, which we can, though its so sad because we miss them being there too. I have no idea how people cope with losing a partner.. christ, i miss my xmas tree and i cry when i think about my dog dying. I lost a very close friend though, so know that empty feeling, obviously, i can only imagine it feels like that exept 100 times more sore and empty. 
I think it is good that you are looking at the good things, like all the things he taught you, things that will always be a part of you. 
Also, i'm so sorry to hear about your kitty Amy-Who knows what the universe is up to right now! Do you have other cats that stay with you? I can imagine you are a great cat mummy and there are lots of paddy paw friends who need a soul one like you in their lives when the time is right for you. 
(((((((Amy))))))) Hope you can feel my attempt at a psychic hug!!!


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## steely (Jan 13, 2010)

mergirl said:


> ach, i know. I think the fact that people become so much a part of us is the very reason they are so very difficult to let go. Its almost like we can't trust we can go it alone, which we can, though its so sad because we miss them being there too. I have no idea how people cope with losing a partner.. christ, i miss my xmas tree and i cry when i think about my dog dying. I lost a very close friend though, so know that empty feeling, obviously, i can only imagine it feels like that exept 100 times more sore and empty.
> I think it is good that you are looking at the good things, like all the things he taught you, things that will always be a part of you.
> Also, i'm so sorry to hear about your kitty Amy-Who knows what the universe is up to right now! Do you have other cats that stay with you? I can imagine you are a great cat mummy and there are lots of paddy paw friends who need a soul one like you in their lives when the time is right for you.
> (((((((Amy))))))) Hope you can feel my attempt at a psychic hug!!!



Your hugs come through just fine, thank you. She was my last kitty, I don't think I can get any more kitties. I am too afraid of losing what means so much to me. I really can't stand the thought of anymore pain. I keep losing everything and it is too hard to take.

I guess I am just one of the hyperemotional. Everything hits me like a ton of bricks. You can tell how deeply I feel things by looking in my eyes, I had a lady tell me that and it is very true. I just feel too much and much of the time it hurts.


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## Punkin1024 (Jan 14, 2010)

I'm sorry for your emotional pain, Amy. I, too, think that I can't get another kitty everytime we lose one, but one always seems to wander into our hearts again and we keep it. I know, eventually, we'll need to stop keeping kitties, but they are a comfort to me. I'll keep you in my prayers that you will find peace and happiness again...soon.

Hugs!


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## steely (Jan 14, 2010)

Punkin1024 said:


> I'm sorry for your emotional pain, Amy. I, too, think that I can't get another kitty everytime we lose one, but one always seems to wander into our hearts again and we keep it. I know, eventually, we'll need to stop keeping kitties, but they are a comfort to me. I'll keep you in my prayers that you will find peace and happiness again...soon.
> 
> Hugs!



I love teh kitties so much. In our local paper people keep putting in ads to give their animals to a good home. I keep thinking that I should take at least one to give it a good home. I know alot of people are downsizing to apartments and can't take their pets with them. I have all this room to keep animals. You heard it here first, my slow slide into becoming the crazy cat lady.


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## mergirl (Jan 14, 2010)

steely said:


> I love teh kitties so much. In our local paper people keep putting in ads to give their animals to a good home. I keep thinking that I should take at least one to give it a good home. I know alot of people are downsizing to apartments and can't take their pets with them. I have all this room to keep animals. You heard it here first, my slow slide into becoming the crazy cat lady.


 yeah.. i knew you would come around!
Bwt, Crazy cat ladies are amongst the nicest people i know! 
I didn't even know i was a cat person till my wee guy found me nearly six years ago now... and here i am lying on the couch typing as he is cozied up on my bum! I loved what punkin said about them wandering into your hearts cause thats what he did. I actually think the universe sent him because i found him in between my friend dying and me finding out about it. At my friends funeral, his sister came over to talk to me and asked how i knew Rab. I told her that we had worked at a workers co-op together and then became friends and when i had to move out of my flat he took me in and i stayed with him for about half a year. She said "ahh so you were one of his wee strays then" and gave me a cuddle. The whole service was about how he took in stray animals too.. I always wondered if maby rab sent him to me. Actually my cat is very like my friend as he is handsom, a total character, very cuddly and warm and has such kind eyes. Anyway, i'm glad i found him as he helped me through a really sad time. I'm not sure if i hadn't found him (and had to rescue him from a dog!  ) that i would have ever thought about getting a cat... but now i am a fully paid up member of the crazy cat lady club!!


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## steely (Jan 14, 2010)

I really have fought against my crazy cat lady tendencies. I have had them for a long time. I love animals, I mean love them, especially cats. They really give you that completely unconditional love and it's just wonderful.

I love your stories, Mer. :happy:


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## luscious_lulu (Jan 16, 2010)

mergirl said:


> yeah.. i knew you would come around!
> Bwt, Crazy cat ladies are amongst the nicest people i know!
> I didn't even know i was a cat person till my wee guy found me nearly six years ago now... and here i am lying on the couch typing as he is cozied up on my bum! I loved what punkin said about them wandering into your hearts cause thats what he did. I actually think the universe sent him because i found him in between my friend dying and me finding out about it. At my friends funeral, his sister came over to talk to me and asked how i knew Rab. I told her that we had worked at a workers co-op together and then became friends and when i had to move out of my flat he took me in and i stayed with him for about half a year. She said "ahh so you were one of his wee strays then" and gave me a cuddle. The whole service was about how he took in stray animals too.. I always wondered if maby rab sent him to me. Actually my cat is very like my friend as he is handsom, a total character, very cuddly and warm and has such kind eyes. Anyway, i'm glad i found him as he helped me through a really sad time. I'm not sure if i hadn't found him (and had to rescue him from a dog!  ) that i would have ever thought about getting a cat... but now i am a fully paid up member of the crazy cat lady club!!



Damn, you just made me cry. *big hugs*


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## Miss Vickie (Jan 16, 2010)

steely said:


> I really have fought against my crazy cat lady tendencies. I have had them for a long time. I love animals, I mean love them, especially cats. They really give you that completely unconditional love and it's just wonderful.



I say give into them!! Nothing like having lots of critters around to fill your heart (and help someone in need).

I think of you often, wonder how you're doing. Every time I get pissed at Burtimus for some stupid little "infraction" that he doesn't even know he committed, I think of you and your loss. And I feel silly for letting such inconsequential things bother me.

(((((Steely)))))


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## steely (Jan 16, 2010)

Miss Vickie said:


> I say give into them!! Nothing like having lots of critters around to fill your heart (and help someone in need).
> 
> I think of you often, wonder how you're doing. Every time I get pissed at Burtimus for some stupid little "infraction" that he doesn't even know he committed, I think of you and your loss. And I feel silly for letting such inconsequential things bother me.
> 
> (((((Steely)))))



Cherish him, Vickie, I know it's hard sometimes but it's so important to love them everyday. And let the small stuff slide, I know that now. Too soon they can be gone and all you want is for them to be with you, checking the emergency brake a thousand times, laughing.

Thanks, (((((Vickie)))))


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## mossystate (Jan 16, 2010)

Amy, you are amazing. You are amazing.




when the pain becomes a bit less pointed and harsh, think about getting a kitty...ms kitty was probably hanging on as long as she could, knowing that her dad had to go, and you would be oh so sad....she opened up a space for a new kitty...she and harold are hanging out, and they would probably want you to once again get knuckle-deep in cat fur...after my mom's cat shep died, she said she wanted to wait to get another kitty, as she had had her girl for 22 years...well, four days later she decided to go to animal services, and there she found ' kismet ', Bucky's shelter name.......your kismet, whatever it is....is waiting for for....no doubt about it, sweetcheeks


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## littlefairywren (Jan 16, 2010)

steely said:


> I really have fought against my crazy cat lady tendencies. I have had them for a long time. I love animals, I mean love them, especially cats. They really give you that completely unconditional love and it's just wonderful.
> 
> I love your stories, Mer. :happy:



I LOVE crazy cat ladies!!! Big (((hugs))) Amy


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## steely (Jan 16, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Amy, you are amazing. You are amazing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thank you, I don't feel amazing but I am trying. Like many, my kitties have always found me. Miss Kitty showed up when she could fit in my palm and then she was mine. I will have other kitties I'm sure, I hope they will come into my life when I need them or they need me. I guess it's like many things in life, you just know when it's right.


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## steely (Jan 16, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> I LOVE crazy cat ladies!!! Big (((hugs))) Amy



You are so sweet, I just wish you were closer. :happy:


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## Punkin1024 (Jan 18, 2010)

I'm a card carrying member of the crazy cat lady club. Guess what...FarmVille confirmed it for me this past week. I got a white "Crazy Cat Lady" ribbon! LOL! I know you'll know when it is right too. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## steely (Jan 19, 2010)

Punkin1024 said:


> I'm a card carrying member of the crazy cat lady club. Guess what...FarmVille confirmed it for me this past week. I got a white "Crazy Cat Lady" ribbon! LOL! I know you'll know when it is right too. (((((((Amy)))))))



Awarded the highest honor!


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## steely (Jan 25, 2010)

For the past day or so, I find that I am missing Harold, so much. I always miss him but it seems more pointed, somehow. I don't know exactly why right now. I think the Older Fa thread may have triggered it. I miss him so much, sometimes I don't think I realize just how much. In the course of trying to live every day, I forget, until something brings him back to me.

Reading the dating threads makes me miss him much more. I was so lucky to have found him. I sometimes wonder if it was a once in a lifetime thing. I can't see lightning striking twice. I wonder, too, if I have unrealistic expectations. He was so good to me, I'm afraid no other man can live up to him. And I know that is unfair and you can't compare people but I'm afraid that I might. It's all so confusing. I just know that I miss him and a lot of the time I'm lost without him.

Thanks for letting me talk out loud. I probably don't make much sense but there it is. Sometimes it helps just to say it.


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## littlefairywren (Jan 25, 2010)

steely said:


> For the past day or so, I find that I am missing Harold, so much. I always miss him but it seems more pointed, somehow. I don't know exactly why right now. I think the Older Fa thread may have triggered it. I miss him so much, sometimes I don't think I realize just how much. In the course of trying to live every day, I forget, until something brings him back to me.
> 
> Reading the dating threads makes me miss him much more. I was so lucky to have found him. I sometimes wonder if it was a once in a lifetime thing. I can't see lightning striking twice. I wonder, too, if I have unrealistic expectations. He was so good to me, I'm afraid no other man can live up to him. And I know that is unfair and you can't compare people but I'm afraid that I might. It's all so confusing. I just know that I miss him and a lot of the time I'm lost without him.
> 
> Thanks for letting me talk out loud. I probably don't make much sense but there it is. Sometimes it helps just to say it.



You make perfect sense to me. 

When you lose someone they always stay in your heart, and they are never really gone. 

I hope you get struck by lightning again Amy, you have so much to give someone. Maybe one day you will be ready, and the Universe will send you someone that you need. People do come into our lives for a reason!

I think Harold would be very proud of you right now


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## SocialbFly (Jan 25, 2010)

i am more a crazy dog lady and when i get my house, the dogs will ensue  hugs to you Steely, sending you some warm thoughts today...


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## Punkin1024 (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi Amy!
Just letting you know that I stopped by here today. Wish there was more I could do. Hugs!


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## steely (Jan 26, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> You make perfect sense to me.
> 
> When you lose someone they always stay in your heart, and they are never really gone.
> 
> ...



I think I am grieving not only the loss of Harold but the loss of being a couple. It's a pretty hard time right now and I haven't had to go through a hard time alone, in a long time. It was nice to know that I didn't have to handle everything. I miss him always being there to hold my hand. I know I can handle things but I don't feel as strong alone. 

Thanks, littlefairy, I believe that people are sent to you when you need them or sometimes, when they need you. I have proof positive, I have all of you and you all help so much. You are the best. :bow:



SocialbFly said:


> i am more a crazy dog lady and when i get my house, the dogs will ensue  hugs to you Steely, sending you some warm thoughts today...



I have a dog, too. I think if I had my way, I'd have a petting zoo. I have a thing for llamas and goats, see avatar. Thanks, 



Punkin1024 said:


> Hi Amy!
> Just letting you know that I stopped by here today. Wish there was more I could do. Hugs!



Thanks, Ella, it's always enough that you keep an eye on me. I appreciate it more that you know. :happy:

I'm going to be ok, I hit a patch here and there but it's going to all right. :happy:


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## luscious_lulu (Jan 26, 2010)

(((giant hugs)))


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## steely (Jan 26, 2010)

luscious_lulu said:


> (((giant hugs)))



Thank you, lulu. It's always nice to know you're there. :happy:


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## mergirl (Jan 26, 2010)

Here and listening wonderful woman. Too tired to type anything meaningful but i am still and here anyway and thinking of you. (((hugs)))


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## steely (Jan 27, 2010)

mergirl said:


> Here and listening wonderful woman. Too tired to type anything meaningful but i am still and here anyway and thinking of you. (((hugs)))



I'm glad you're here, Mer. Really, sometimes it is enough just to know that all you ladies are here. :happy:


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## Fat.n.sassy (Jan 27, 2010)

Steely, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a mate like that. The fact that you are able to open up to folks and let us support you is amazing and brave.

Love and health to you!
(((Hugs)))


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## steely (Jan 28, 2010)

Fat.n.sassy said:


> Steely, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a mate like that. The fact that you are able to open up to folks and let us support you is amazing and brave.
> 
> Love and health to you!
> (((Hugs)))



Thank you, I don't feel very brave but I know without the support and kindness of the people here I would be in a terrible state. I am constantly amazed at peoples ability for kindness. I am so thankful for everyone here.


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## SocialbFly (Jan 28, 2010)

So, just dropping in to say hello and thinking of you Steely


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## steely (Jan 28, 2010)

SocialbFly said:


> So, just dropping in to say hello and thinking of you Steely



Thanks, I'm feeling better. I just get overwhelmed at times. I guess that is to be expected. It will be all right. I'm just glad I can come here. :happy:


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## Punkin1024 (Jan 31, 2010)

I'm glad you can come here too, Amy. Just popping in to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hugs!


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## cinnamitch (Jan 31, 2010)

In the dark immensity of night
I stood upon a hill and watched the light
Of a star,
Soundless and beautiful and far.

A scientist standing there with me
Said, It is not the star you see,
But a glow
That left the star light years ago.

People are like stars in a timeless sky;
The light of a good persons life shines high,
Golden and splendid
Long after his brief earth years are ended.

 Grace V. Watkins


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## mergirl (Jan 31, 2010)

Such a beautiful poem. x


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## steely (Jan 31, 2010)

cinnamitch said:


> In the dark immensity of night
> I stood upon a hill and watched the light
> Of a star,
> Soundless and beautiful and far.
> ...





mergirl said:


> Such a beautiful poem. x



I agree with Mer, it is beautiful. Sundays are very hard on me. I lost him on a Sunday and they seem to drag by at a snails pace. Thank you for giving me such a beautiful gift when I need it most.


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## mergirl (Jan 31, 2010)

steely said:


> I agree with Mer, it is beautiful. Sundays are very hard on me. I lost him on a Sunday and they seem to drag by at a snails pace. Thank you for giving me such a beautiful gift when I need it most.


Sundays always feel so slow anyway. Which is wonderful if you want them to be that way, but i imagine hellish if you would rather get them out of the way. 
Strangely i always thought sundays had that same disconnected feeling that you get when someone dies somehow.. I have no idea why. Though, when i hear of someone dying, even if i don't know then so well, it kinna feels like sunday. 
My friends sister died a couple of weeks ago and she was only 35, it was so surreal and sunday like even though i had only met her a few times.. i think it also has something to do with the sadness of the people left behind.. and the almost religious conotations, or at least spiritual.. hmm sorry, i am blethering.. Perhaps thats why the song 'gloomy sunday' is so depressing.. because it reminds us of death?
Anyway.. sorry for rambling.. and i hope this sunday speeds up a little for you until they get less difficult. xxxx


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## steely (Jan 31, 2010)

Sundays were "our" day, though everyday was that. Sundays we would sleep late and have breakfast. Sundays were usually pancakes, french toast or sometimes I would make biscuits and gravy, truly a southern delicacy, laughing. He loved my cooking. Sometimes we would go back to bed after breakfast, just to be together.

Sundays were slow but it was a good kind of slow. It wasn't the same as it is now. I can't wait for them to be over now. I feel lost and it doesn't help we are snowed in again. Trapped, trapped, trapped, seems to run through my mind and I'm afraid it will be that way forever. It's a little overwhelming. 

You know I like to listen to you blether, for some reason I find it soothing. The only thing better would be if I could hear your accent. I always put a scottish accent to your words. I like that, feel free to blether anytime.


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## steely (Jan 31, 2010)

Punkin1024 said:


> I'm glad you can come here too, Amy. Just popping in to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hugs!



Thanks, Ella, I know you are here and on FB. I appreciate it, very much. :happy:


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## mergirl (Jan 31, 2010)

Your sundays sounded wonderful. Well, i get free international calls, so if ever you want to chatter to a scottish sounding person pm me your number and i will chatter with you for a bit. ... scottishly
x


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## steely (Feb 10, 2010)

The grandkids want to come visit this weekend. I haven't seen them since, I don't even know when. They didn't come to the memorial. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me says, they need to see me and the other part says, I don't know if I can handle it.

These are pictures of us, the fall one was at Thankgiving about 7 years ago and the other is when we first met. These are pictures of pictures. We never had many pictures together, I regret that. Usually, I am the one doing the picture taking. Keeps me out from in front of the camera.


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## rainyday (Feb 10, 2010)

Pictures are so precious. Thank you for sharing these with us. Harold was a handsome man, and you both look so happy and comfortable together. You're a beautiful woman, Steely.


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## Dmitra (Feb 10, 2010)

Beautiful pictures, Steely. Thank you for sharing them!

I haven't said anything as I felt too new around here. I'm very sorry for your loss and am awed by the graciousness you've shown in coping. *hugs*


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## steely (Feb 10, 2010)

rainyday said:


> Pictures are so precious. Thank you for sharing these with us. Harold was a handsome man, and you both look so happy and comfortable together. You're a beautiful woman, Steely.



I loved my husband, dearly. He always looked like the Lorax to me, I know you might think that strange but I always loved the Lorax. You've made me smile now. I do wish that I had more pictures of us together. Thank you for the lovely compliment.



DameQ said:


> Beautiful pictures, Steely. Thank you for sharing them!
> 
> I haven't said anything as I felt too new around here. I'm very sorry for your loss and am awed by the graciousness you've shown in coping. *hugs*



Thank you, you are never too new to approach someone in kindness. I appreciate your kind words more than you know. Hugs to you :happy:


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## Punkin1024 (Feb 10, 2010)

Amy, thank you for sharing photos of you and your husband with us.


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## Tania (Feb 10, 2010)

Wonderful photos of a sweet couple. You were and ARE very, very pretty.


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## cinnamitch (Feb 10, 2010)

One day Amy you will look at those pictures and find the happy memories outweigh your sadness, i hope all the virtual hugs from us will keep your spirit up until that time comes. We all care about you so much.


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## littlefairywren (Feb 10, 2010)

Hugs Amy, and thank you for letting us share a little bit of you and Harold.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Feb 11, 2010)

Amy those are such great pics..You both look so happy in both of them..You are such a lovely couple..

The G'kids need to know you are okay,they probably get told all the time you are okay but seeing it for themselves will probably put their minds at ease..

As you know my Mom and Dad were like you and Harold..My oldest nieces and nephews would call all the time to check up on my Mom after my Dad passed but were never really satisfied with the answers they were getting until we took her to visit them..During that time is also when they started calling her G'ma,before then they just called her by her first name..It helped my Mom a lot being around those kids(even tho they are all older then me I call them kids!)and talking to them..

Hugss to you hon..I am praying things get easier for you...I love ya 

Cinn that is a great poem..Thank you for posting it!


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## luscious_lulu (Feb 11, 2010)

Steely, all I can say is don't be afraid to accept love from anyone. It may cause sadness thinking about your loss, but the joy of knowing people love you is so worth it. 

You are an amazingly strong women. 

*hugs*


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## BigCutieAnya (Feb 11, 2010)

Steely, I am amazed at your capacity for grace under fire during this time. ((((hugs super tight and cuddles)))) Don't be too strong to be weak when you need to be beautiful lady. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. *warm hugs*


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## steely (Feb 11, 2010)

Thank you, every one of you, for the support you continue you to give me. I don't have the words to tell you how much it means to me. I am constantly amazed at your capacity to give and be so kind. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. I really don't know how I would have made it this far without your kindness and support.Thank you, it seems so inadequate but I really do mean it from the bottom of my heart.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 11, 2010)

steely said:


> The grandkids want to come visit this weekend. I haven't seen them since, I don't even know when. They didn't come to the memorial. I don't know how I feel about that. *Part of me says, they need to see me and the other part says, I don't know if I can handle it.*
> 
> These are pictures of us, the fall one was at Thankgiving about 7 years ago and the other is when we first met. These are pictures of pictures. We never had many pictures together, I regret that. Usually, I am the one doing the picture taking. Keeps me out from in front of the camera.



A lot of your posts make me think of this quote, Amy. (((HUGS)))

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~ Mother Teresa 

Your graciousness, authenticity and vulnerability are a gift to all of us, btw. :bow:


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## steely (Feb 11, 2010)

As it turns out, the children were at the memorial. I have absolutely no recollection of them being there. I don't remember them at all. It seems very strange that I can't remember them. Evidently Harold's grandaughter rode home with my Mother.

I'm trying to remember the memorial, I remember being given the flag. I remember my feet hurt from wearing heels. I remember more people telling me how much weight I'd lost, than telling me they were sorry about Harold. I remember my blood sugar dropped to 45. I remember the police sent an enormous wreath of flowers that I had to bring home. I just don't remember the children.

Anyway, they are coming to visit on Sunday. They are coming after church, I'm still not sure how I feel but I think they need to come. I hope you are right, Ernest, that you are never given more than you can handle.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 11, 2010)

steely said:


> As it turns out, the children were at the memorial. I have absolutely no recollection of them being there. I don't remember them at all. It seems very strange that I can't remember them. Evidently Harold's grandaughter rode home with my Mother.
> 
> I'm trying to remember the memorial, I remember being given the flag. I remember my feet hurt from wearing heels. I remember more people telling me how much weight I'd lost, than telling me they were sorry about Harold. I remember my blood sugar dropped to 45. I remember the police sent an enormous wreath of flowers that I had to bring home. I just don't remember the children.
> 
> Anyway, they are coming to visit on Sunday. They are coming after church, I'm still not sure how I feel but I think they need to come. I hope you are right, Ernest, that you are never given more than you can handle.



The best (only way, really) to deal with this kind of thing is in the moment Amy, as it happens. Don't burden yourself with how you think you should be. However/wherever you are will be perfect. Grief and sadness are nothing to be ashamed of or hidden. Letting the kids and grandkids realize that is just another gift from you and Harold both. Knowing that life and love go on no matter what and no matter how much it may momentarily feel otherwise is a beautiful legacy for them. Think of Harold passing that wisdom to them through you, if that helps any? Hugs & Blessings.


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## steely (Feb 11, 2010)

Ernest Nagel said:


> The best (only way, really) to deal with this kind of thing is in the moment Amy, as it happens. Don't burden yourself with how you think you should be. However/wherever you are will be perfect. Grief and sadness are nothing to be ashamed of or hidden. Letting the kids and grandkids realize that is just another gift from you and Harold both. Knowing that life and love go on no matter what and no matter how much it may momentarily feel otherwise is a beautiful legacy for them. Think of Harold passing that wisdom to them through you, if that helps any? Hugs & Blessings.



Thank you, Ernest. I will do my very best.


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## Theresa48 (Feb 11, 2010)

Hope things are better today and tomorrow and the days after for you. Love the pictures! Glad you shared them with us. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. 
Take care. Hugs!


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## steely (Feb 11, 2010)

Theresa48 said:


> Hope things are better today and tomorrow and the days after for you. Love the pictures! Glad you shared them with us. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
> Take care. Hugs!



Thank you, Theresa. I think of you often, I hope you are well and happy. :happy:


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## steely (Feb 14, 2010)

It's Valentine's Day and a Sunday, it's been 18 weeks today, since Harold passed. It seems like so long ago but it seems like yesterday. I really hate Sundays. It's such a long day with nothing to do except sit and think. I have this problem every Sunday but today is hard, very hard.


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## lovelocs (Feb 14, 2010)

I'm sorry for your loss. Reading through the posts that you and others have left is a history of strength and grace and sadness. It's Valentine's day, and it's Sunday, and it's 18 weeks to the day. There may be nothing that can help you get through this day without pain. I just hope that knowing that other people are out there, and care, does help.


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## luscious_lulu (Feb 14, 2010)

steely said:


> It's Valentine's Day and a Sunday, it's been 18 weeks today, since Harold passed. It seems like so long ago but it seems like yesterday. I really hate Sundays. It's such a long day with nothing to do except sit and think. I have this problem every Sunday but today is hard, very hard.




sending love you way. (((hugs)))


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## steely (Feb 14, 2010)

lovelocs said:


> I'm sorry for your loss. Reading through the posts that you and others have left is a history of strength and grace and sadness. It's Valentine's day, and it's Sunday, and it's 18 weeks to the day. There may be nothing that can help you get through this day without pain. I just hope that knowing that other people are out there, and care, does help.





luscious_lulu said:


> sending love you way. (((hugs)))



Thank you both, it has been a very long day but perhaps tomorrow will be better.


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## Theresa48 (Feb 14, 2010)

Been thinking about you a lot today. I know it is even more difficult than the usual Sundays because it is Valentine's Day. I hate that you are going through this. Wish I could make it better for you. Long ago, it was standard and most people understood that it took many years to heal after the death of a loved one. Women wore mourning clothes for seven years. Now, we are supposed to "carry on" with our "chin up" almost instantly. I say to that...bah, humbug. It "ain't so easy." The best sometimes we can do is get through it. Get through the day and hope for better the next day. After awhile the better days will out number the not so good. You are very much loved by many, many people. I wish for you a better tomorrow...lots of them. Hugs!


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## cinnamitch (Feb 14, 2010)

Well Amy, I always seem to have some kind of poetry in mind when i think of you. I myself find that sometimes it helps to read words that give me hope that it will get better someday. I hope this helps you. 

*He is Gone*
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

*David Harkins 
*


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## steely (Feb 15, 2010)

Theresa48 said:


> Been thinking about you a lot today. I know it is even more difficult than the usual Sundays because it is Valentine's Day. I hate that you are going through this. Wish I could make it better for you. Long ago, it was standard and most people understood that it took many years to heal after the death of a loved one. Women wore mourning clothes for seven years. Now, we are supposed to "carry on" with our "chin up" almost instantly. I say to that...bah, humbug. It "ain't so easy." The best sometimes we can do is get through it. Get through the day and hope for better the next day. After awhile the better days will out number the not so good. You are very much loved by many, many people. I wish for you a better tomorrow...lots of them. Hugs!



Thank you, I don't know that others want me to carry on as much as I want to stop feeling this pain. It just hurts so badly at times, you don't want to have to feel it anymore. I get so tired sometimes.



cinnamitch said:


> Well Amy, I always seem to have some kind of poetry in mind when i think of you. I myself find that sometimes it helps to read words that give me hope that it will get better someday. I hope this helps you.
> 
> *He is Gone*
> You can shed tears that he is gone,
> ...



Thank you for the poem, what a lovely compliment, I've never had anyone tell me they have poetry in their mind when they think of me. It does help to read this and know that you care.


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## delilia58 (Feb 15, 2010)

It is since December 7, 2009 since my beautiful daughter Rhonda McCurley passed. she is the one who wanted me to sign up on this forum I understand how hard this is . I am dealing with the same things right now.


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## steely (Feb 15, 2010)

delilia58 said:


> It is since December 7, 2009 since my beautiful daughter Rhonda McCurley passed. she is the one who wanted me to sign up on this forum I understand how hard this is . I am dealing with the same things right now.



I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please accept my condolences and my heartfelt sadness for your pain. I'm glad you are here, Welcome, there are very good and kind people here. I remember Rhonda though I did not know her personally. You will find much support here, your daughter was dearly loved by many. I wish you peace in this time of sorrow.


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## nettie (Feb 16, 2010)

Words just don't seem adequate so I'm sending big hugs to both of you.


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## rainyday (Feb 16, 2010)

Steely, I am always so impressed by your ability to share your journey here and let people in. It's a beautiful thing. These firsts are such painful hurdles but you are clearing them with honesty and grace. Hugs.



delilia58 said:


> It is since December 7, 2009 since my beautiful daughter Rhonda McCurley passed. she is the one who wanted me to sign up on this forum I understand how hard this is . I am dealing with the same things right now.



Welcome to the boards, Delilia. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.


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## steely (Feb 16, 2010)

nettie said:


> Words just don't seem adequate so I'm sending big hugs to both of you.



Thank you, Nettie



rainyday said:


> Steely, I am always so impressed by your ability to share your journey here and let people in. It's a beautiful thing. These firsts are such painful hurdles but you are clearing them with honesty and grace. Hugs.
> 
> 
> 
> Welcome to the boards, Delilia. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.



Thank you for being so steadfast in your support, your words help so much more than you know.


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## steely (Feb 21, 2010)

Another Sunday rolls around, I am always amazed at how fast they come. I went yesterday to see my first great-niece. She was 3 weeks old on Friday, she is a beautiful baby. I'm sure there is a lesson about life and death in there somewhere. People pass out of your life and new people come in, babies are born to the babies of your sisters and it all keeps turning around. Birth, death, life, it all changes, all the time.


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## littlefairywren (Feb 21, 2010)

steely said:


> Another Sunday rolls around, I am always amazed at how fast they come. I went yesterday to see my first great-niece. She was 3 weeks old on Friday, she is a beautiful baby. I'm sure there is a lesson about life and death in there somewhere. People pass out of your life and new people come in, babies are born to the babies of your sisters and it all keeps turning around. Birth, death, life, it all changes, all the time.



Oh Amy, she is just so beautiful....


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## steely (Feb 21, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> Oh Amy, she is just so beautiful....



Thank you littlefairy, everyone is quite taken with her. She is the first great grandbaby, my mother is over the moon. :smitten:


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## Punkin1024 (Feb 21, 2010)

Amy, what a darling little baby, all dressed in pink. You are right about the circle of life. Babies do make us understand that life continues and there is hope in that.

Hugs!


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## steely (Feb 21, 2010)

Punkin1024 said:


> Amy, what a darling little baby, all dressed in pink. You are right about the circle of life. Babies do make us understand that life continues and there is hope in that.
> 
> Hugs!



I feel the need to break into "The Circle of Life". I know it is a testament to the fact that life goes on but does it have to hurt so much. 

I think sometimes that there is no evidence of the love Harold and I shared. It seems sometimes that he was never even part of my life. There is nothing to show that we were ever together, it's like the past 12 years were spent with a ghost. Some pictures, a few pieces of furniture but it is much the same as it was before I met him.

Perhaps if we had children, I would feel like I had a part of him. As it is, often it feels like a dream, like I dreamed him into existence to love me and comfort me. I feel our life evaporating and all I have left is the sadness of losing what has meant everything to me. 

Even working in the yard, which is a joy to me, seems empty because he will never see what we worked so hard to create here. He won't see the cherry trees, the forsythia, the pines that we planted for a windbreak. Will I forget how much this place meant to him, how much we meant to each other, with the passing of time will he disappear from my life altogether. I will then be truly alone without him, even more so than now.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 21, 2010)

steely said:


> I feel the need to break into "The Circle of Life". I know it is a testament to the fact that life goes on but does it have to hurt so much.
> 
> I think sometimes that there is no evidence of the love Harold and I shared. It seems sometimes that he was never even part of my life. There is nothing to show that we were ever together, it's like the past 12 years were spent with a ghost. Some pictures, a few pieces of furniture but it is much the same as it was before I met him.
> 
> ...



The distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion ~ Albert Einstein


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## BubbleButtBabe (Feb 22, 2010)

steely said:


> Even working in the yard, which is a joy to me, seems empty because he will never see what we worked so hard to create here. He won't see the cherry trees, the forsythia, the pines that we planted for a windbreak. Will I forget how much this place meant to him, how much we meant to each other, with the passing of time will he disappear from my life altogether. I will then be truly alone without him, even more so than now.



Amy,I am sorry you are still having a hard time..No you wont forget how much your place meant to him.."The trees we planted for a windbreak.",every time you look at those trees you will remember the day they were planted and all that you did together that day..You never forget a loved one..The pain of their passing lessens but you still remember little things they did or said..In time you will begin to remember more and more..Right now you are grieving and it seems you are loosing that person but in reality you aren't..You mind is trying to protect you from the hurt your heart feels...


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## BubbleButtBabe (Feb 22, 2010)

steely said:


> Another Sunday rolls around, I am always amazed at how fast they come. I went yesterday to see my first great-niece. She was 3 weeks old on Friday, she is a beautiful baby. I'm sure there is a lesson about life and death in there somewhere. People pass out of your life and new people come in, babies are born to the babies of your sisters and it all keeps turning around. Birth, death, life, it all changes, all the time.




Such a beautiful baby and all that hair..She looks like an angel sleeping like that!..


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## littlefairywren (Feb 22, 2010)

steely said:


> I feel the need to break into "The Circle of Life". I know it is a testament to the fact that life goes on but does it have to hurt so much.
> 
> I think sometimes that there is no evidence of the love Harold and I shared. It seems sometimes that he was never even part of my life. There is nothing to show that we were ever together, it's like the past 12 years were spent with a ghost. Some pictures, a few pieces of furniture but it is much the same as it was before I met him.
> 
> ...



You know I am thinking of you Amy....((((hugs))))


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## steely (Feb 22, 2010)

Thanks, everyone....


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## rainyday (Feb 22, 2010)

What a bundle of pink sweetness your great-niece is. She looks like she's blowing a cute little raspberry.

Do you get bothered by being the only person left who knows about little things that were meaningful? Experiences, conversations, bits of knowledge you figured out together. Little things just the two of you shared that now you're the keeper of alone? That still gets to me sometimes.


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

rainyday said:


> What a bundle of pink sweetness your great-niece is. She looks like she's blowing a cute little raspberry.
> 
> Do you get bothered by being the only person left who knows about little things that were meaningful? Experiences, conversations, bits of knowledge you figured out together. Little things just the two of you shared that now you're the keeper of alone? That still gets to me sometimes.



That is the problem I'm having now. I feel that I am the keeper of the whole relationship and I can't remember things already. If I don't remember, there is no one else who can. It was always just us, we were everything the other needed. If I can't remember, will it all have been meaningless.

I do not have a very good memory. I remember nothing of my childhood, very little of my teen years and I can feel the memories of our life together slipping away. And the more I try to remember the further out of reach they seem to be. I don't know how to bring them back.


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## cinnamitch (Feb 23, 2010)

Make a journal/scrapbook. Write about happy days and memories of the life you two shared. Tuck photos in between pages. Press the first flower this spring from his favorite plant. Write down how you feel, talk to him with pen and paper. One day you will smile at the writings and you can show it to that darling baby when she is older so you can introduce her to Harold.



> I do not have a very good memory. I remember nothing of my childhood, very little of my teen years and I can feel the memories of our life together slipping away. And the more I try to remember the further out of reach they seem to be. I don't know how to bring them back.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 23, 2010)

steely said:


> That is the problem I'm having now. I feel that I am the keeper of the whole relationship and I can't remember things already. If I don't remember, there is no one else who can. It was always just us, we were everything the other needed. If I can't remember, will it all have been meaningless.
> 
> I do not have a very good memory. I remember nothing of my childhood, very little of my teen years and I can feel the memories of our life together slipping away. And the more I try to remember the further out of reach they seem to be. I don't know how to bring them back.



Don't apologize for living in the moment, Amy. Most of us would be far better off if all we were present to was the here and now. I routinely exceed the the optimum dosage for memories and all it gets me is depressed. 

In any case your relationship with Harold was more than experiences and conversations. Who you were for him, what you provided that shaped and nourished him is the best thing you can hold on to and cherish. Memories are overrated, imo. Just relax and enjoy what they've created.


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

cinnamitch said:


> Make a journal/scrapbook. Write about happy days and memories of the life you two shared. Tuck photos in between pages. Press the first flower this spring from his favorite plant. Write down how you feel, talk to him with pen and paper. One day you will smile at the writings and you can show it to that darling baby when she is older so you can introduce her to Harold.



This has been suggested to me before, I really didn't save things. I regret that now because I have nothing with which to create a scrapbook. You are right though, I need to write down the things I do remember before I forget. That way I will have a reference. Thank you, I will begin a scrapbook of the things that are important to me.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 23, 2010)

steely said:


> This has been suggested to me before, I really didn't save things. I regret that now because I have nothing with which to create a scrapbook. You are right though, I need to write down the things I do remember before I forget. That way I will have a reference. Thank you, I will begin a scrapbook of the things that are important to me.



How about blogging? Keeping a journal? I have to say, this thread seems like it would do a lot though you don't realize it. Months or even a year from now it would be good to go back and read through from the beginning. It will bring you back to a place that may help you recall subtle things, remember where your head was at, see where you've grown, how you've changed, etc. Even little incidentals surrounding that time period that you may have forgotten before will come to the surface of your memory and surprise you. That's what I find. I have the same kind of memory in that I forget a lot of things. I tend to hold on to things like a pack rat because I fear forgetting good things and only dwelling on what's bad.


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Don't apologize for living in the moment, Amy. Most of us would be far better off if all we were present to was the here and now. I routinely exceed the the optimum dosage for memories and all it gets me is depressed.
> 
> In any case your relationship with Harold was more than experiences and conversations. *Who you were for him, what you provided that shaped and nourished him is the best thing you can hold on to and cherish.* Memories are overrated, imo. Just relax and enjoy what they've created.



You are essentially telling me to hold on to myself because that is who I was for Harold, just myself with no pretense. I know that Harold became a better man with me. I don't know that I was the reason for that, perhaps he had just outgrown his wild ways, at 53 it was about time.  I'd like to think that I had something to do with it. You always hear that people don't change but he did. Perhaps because of the person I am and what I provided, it gave him the freedom to be a better man. I think he may have recognized unconditional love and responded in kind. :happy:


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> How about blogging? Keeping a journal? I have to say, this thread seems like it would do a lot though you don't realize it. Months or even a year from now it would be good to go back and read through from the beginning. It will bring you back to a place that may help you recall subtle things, remember where your head was at, see where you've grown, how you've changed, etc. Even little incidentals surrounding that time period that you may have forgotten before will come to the surface of your memory and surprise you. That's what I find. I have the same kind of memory in that I forget a lot of things. I tend to hold on to things like a pack rat because I fear forgetting good things and only dwelling on what's bad.



This thread is amazing and truly I don't where I would be without the support and kindness I have found here. I am so thankful to all of you for helping me through what has been the hardest time in my life.

I am afraid of forgetting the good things as well. I have a hard time with clutter and I tend to toss things but then I never really thought that I would lose him. Silly, isn't it? Even though I knew he was so much older, I really did "live in the moment" with him. I couldn't ever imagine my life without him. I guess it's denial but I prefer to think that I lived every moment with him because subconciously I knew our time was limited. More limited than I knew, as it turns out. I know that the only thing that will help is the passage of time. One day I will be able to look back on this and find peace, I hope.


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## Seraphina (Feb 23, 2010)

steely said:


> That is the problem I'm having now. I feel that I am the keeper of the whole relationship and I can't remember things already. If I don't remember, there is no one else who can. It was always just us, we were everything the other needed. If I can't remember, will it all have been meaningless..



It sounds like you loved him very, very much. No matter how much you think you have nothing to show for the love you had, you do because you are changed by him. You are not the person you were before you loved him and he loved you because we are so ultimately changed by love, to have had love is the greatest of all riches.

The process of grieving means you won't think about him all the time, you might suddenly realise you haven't thought of him for a long time but you won't ever be without him. Moving on doesn't diminish his memory or the things you shared together, he is part of you whether you realise it or not. If you forget the day you went to the park, or exactly the way he shaved or any of those things it doesn't make your relationship meaningless, it makes you human and our memories aren't great but I am sure you will never forget the way you felt around him or the bursting feeling in your chest when you remember how much you loved him and felt loved by him. The little memories are good, they are comforting but it doesn't make it a nothing not to remember ever little thing.

I hope you can find peace, and I hope that you can find a way to live with your grief and your fear that you can't do justice to his memory - you do very much so because I don't know you at all but reading back over this thread I can feel the vibrancy and strength of your love, in my book that is amazing.


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> It sounds like you loved him very, very much. No matter how much you think you have nothing to show for the love you had, you do because you are changed by him. You are not the person you were before you loved him and he loved you because we are so ultimately changed by love, to have had love is the greatest of all riches.
> 
> The process of grieving means you won't think about him all the time, you might suddenly realise you haven't thought of him for a long time but you won't ever be without him. Moving on doesn't diminish his memory or the things you shared together, he is part of you whether you realise it or not. If you forget the day you went to the park, or exactly the way he shaved or any of those things it doesn't make your relationship meaningless, it makes you human and our memories aren't great but I am sure you will never forget the way you felt around him or the bursting feeling in your chest when you remember how much you loved him and felt loved by him. The little memories are good, they are comforting but it doesn't make it a nothing not to remember ever little thing.
> 
> I hope you can find peace, and I hope that you can find a way to live with your grief and your fear that you can't do justice to his memory - you do very much so because I don't know you at all but reading back over this thread I can feel the vibrancy and strength of your love, in my book that is amazing.



It took me a while to try to find the words to tell you how much your words mean to me. This post, your words, are precious to me. It reminded me of all the things I do remember. It reminds me of how blessed I was to have been given this love that he and I shared. How much joy and happiness that was brought into my life because of him. I will never lose that or forget how much he means to me.

I am not to the point that I don't think about him, I think about him often. I frequently find myself asking, "Where is my husband?" "Where is he?" One day I may get to the point that I don't think about him but right now it is hard to imagine that. 

I can't tell you what you have done for me. You have given me a way to see clearly and that gives me peace of mind. I am grateful to you in ways you'll never know. Thank you :happy:


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 23, 2010)

steely said:


> It took me a while to try to find the words to tell you how much your words mean to me. This post, your words, are precious to me. It reminded me of all the things I do remember. It reminds me of how blessed I was to have been given this love that he and I shared. How much joy and happiness that was brought into my life because of him. I will never lose that or forget how much he means to me.
> 
> I am not to the point that I don't think about him, I think about him often. I frequently find myself asking, "Where is my husband?" "Where is he?" One day I may get to the point that I don't think about him but right now it is hard to imagine that.
> 
> I can't tell you what you have done for me. You have given me a way to see clearly and that gives me peace of mind. I am grateful to you in ways you'll never know. Thank you :happy:



I totally Repped her for that post. She set me to fluttering too. It was so very powerful and generous in so many ways. Felt for miles around. <3


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I totally Repped her for that post. She set me to fluttering too. It was so very powerful and generous in so many ways. Felt for miles around. <3



Yes, Thank you! I know my words are inadequate to convey how deeply, deeply touched and happy her post made me feel. I am so blessed to have _all_ of you helping me. I don't know what I ever did to be so blessed.


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## Ernest Nagel (Feb 23, 2010)

Amy, a lot of people clearly appreciate your courage in being so forthright and transparent with your grief. You were brave to begin with though. Harold was a lot older than you and that would've (has) stopped a lot of us. It reminds me of a poem my grandmother gave me when I graduated from HS. Amelia Earhart wrote this just before her solo flight across the Atlantic. I'm passing it along because I can't think of anything better to acknowledge and thank you for your generosity. :bow:


Courage is the price that 
Life exacts for granting peace. 

The soul that knows it not
Knows no release from little things:
Knows not the livid loneliness of fear, 
Nor mountain heights where bitter joy can hear the sound of wings. 

Nor can life grant us boon of living, compensate 
For dull gray ugliness and pregnant hate 
Unless we dare 
The soul's dominion. 
Each time we make a choice, we pay 
With courage to behold the resistless day, 
And count it fair.


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## steely (Feb 23, 2010)

Ernest Nagel said:


> Amy, a lot of people clearly appreciate your courage in being so forthright and transparent with your grief. You were brave to begin with though. Harold was a lot older than you and that would've (has) stopped a lot of us. It reminds me of a poem my grandmother gave me when I graduated from HS. Amelia Earhart wrote this just before her solo flight across the Atlantic. I'm passing it along because I can't think of anything better to acknowledge and thank you for your generosity. :bow:
> 
> 
> Courage is the price that
> ...



I loved him. Who has enough chances for true love to turn it away. It would have been a slap in the face of all that I hold dear, all that I live by, to have turned away love. It is too rare and precious a gift to ever turn away. 

I'll give you a few lines of a lyric that expresses just this;

"And now, I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance."

As painful as this is, I would not have missed out on the love that we had because I was afraid of losing him. It is so foreign to the person I am.

You are very kind to me and it so hard to express how much I appreciate your belief in me. It touches my heart to know that you think so well of me. I don't feel nearly as strong as you would have me believe I am. This poem is remarkable, I had never read it before. So many wonderful experiences today of understanding. Thank you for your support and kindness, it sustains my belief that I will be able to understand and be at peace. Not that I will ever lose him but that I will continue on in a way that celebrates the love we shared and would make him proud.


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## MisticalMisty (Feb 23, 2010)

Amy,

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this......but here I go.

It really struck me that you said you never collected anything. Do you have any of his shirts left?

Why am I asking? If you do and would be willing to part with 2 of them, I would love to make you a set of ornaments.

I know that parting with those precious items is hard. I would love to use some of them and make you something that you can hold on to..that can help you through the holidays and help you...remember.

I hope I don't offend you with this..and if I do..I'm so very, very sorry. I just want to help. You've been so supportive of me..I want to return the favor.

This is what the ornaments look like when finished:


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## rabbitislove (Feb 23, 2010)

I know I dont know you well from these boards but

**HUGS***


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## Seraphina (Feb 24, 2010)

I don't really know what to say. They were just words that I felt for you, that I would like somebody to say to me if I ever lost my husband. I am glad they are of comfort to you. I think you are one very brave lady, and if the love you had for your husband makes me smile I can only imagine what a truly contented man he must have been!


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## steely (Feb 24, 2010)

MisticalMisty said:


> Amy,
> 
> I'm not sure if this is the right place for this......but here I go.
> 
> ...



How could I be offended by such kindness and generosity? Thank you so much, as I sit here crying because of how happy you have made me this morning. Harold loved Christmas, it was the most important time of the year for him. He would make his own special dressing for Christmas dinner, it was hotter than fire because he put a ton of cayenne pepper in it, laughing.

Misty, I don't know how to tell how much your thoughtfulness and care has meant to me this morning. You did not offend me in the slightest. I am glad you posted your message in the thread because I want people to know just how kind you are. I will send you a PM and get the information about what I need to do.

Thank you really seems inadequate for the happiness that you have given me this morning. I appreciate your kindness so very much. You truly have given me a gift and I can't believe how fortunate I am to know you. Thank you Misty, from the bottom of my heart.


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## steely (Feb 24, 2010)

rabbitislove said:


> I know I dont know you well from these boards but
> 
> **HUGS***



Thank you, I don't know you well but I appreciate you taking the time to send me hugs. They are always welcome.


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## steely (Feb 24, 2010)

Seraphina said:


> I don't really know what to say. They were just words that I felt for you, that I would like somebody to say to me if I ever lost my husband. I am glad they are of comfort to you. I think you are one very brave lady, and if the love you had for your husband makes me smile I can only imagine what a truly contented man he must have been!



You don't need to say anything else, just know that you have touched my life in a way that I will never forget and I will be so thankful that you took the time to give me words that will always be precious to me. Words that give Harold back to me.
Thank you :happy:


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## steely (Feb 24, 2010)

"One compassionate word, action, or thought can reduce another person's suffering and bring him joy. One word can give comfort and confidence, destroy doubt, help someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict or open the door to liberation. One action can save a person's life or help him take advantage of a rare opportunity. One thought can do the same, because thoughts always lead to words and actions. Within compassion in our heart, every thought, word and deed can bring about a miracle."~Thich Nhat Hanh

This was given to me today and it expresses more eloquently than I ever could, just how all of you have touched my life. Your words have helped in ways that can be called miraculous. I am so thankful to all of you who have taken the time to pass on your words to give me hope. 

Thank you to the person who gave this quote to me, understanding that it spoke the words that I could not express half so well. Hugs to you. :happy:


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## MisticalMisty (Feb 24, 2010)

you're welcome babe and that is a great quote


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## steely (Feb 26, 2010)

I hung the porch swing today. It's been very sad. It is very hard to lift the whole porch swing. It reminded me of the glaring one-ness of myself. I was two for such a long time. It is exhausting being one, all the things that are so much easier done by two. Let's just face it, everything is easier with two.

I was able to hang the porch swing as one and I guess that is the metaphor for my life. I will go on as one but there is a gaping chasm where two should be. It seems unfair to know that I have to go on and will but the pain remains the same.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 26, 2010)

steely said:


> I hung the porch swing today. It's been very sad. It is very hard to lift the whole porch swing. It reminded me of the glaring one-ness of myself. I was two for such a long time. It is exhausting being one, all the things that are so much easier done by two. Let's just face it, everything is easier with two.
> 
> I was able to hang the porch swing as one and I guess that is the metaphor for my life. I will go on as one but there is a gaping chasm where two should be. It seems unfair to know that I have to go on and will but the pain remains the same.



That's beautiful Steely. It may have been difficult for one to assemble but it would be easy for one to topple the whole thing to the ground. I've always wondered if swings like that were sturdy enough to hold me. I fear something like that would crash to the ground with me in it.  It is very beautiful.


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## steely (Feb 26, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> That's beautiful Steely. It may have been difficult for one to assemble but it would be easy for one to topple the whole thing to the ground. I've always wondered if swings like that were sturdy enough to hold me. I fear something like that would crash to the ground with me in it.  It is very beautiful.



Thank you, it will hold me, it would most likely hold you. I'm a big girl. I was always nervous about sitting in it with someone. Harold always wanted me to but I was afraid it would crash with both of us, 600 pounds or so. It's hooked to the 2x4's that hold the porch up so the whole porch would have to come down. Of course I am a really big girl, LOL.


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 26, 2010)

steely said:


> Thank you, it will hold me, it would most likely hold you. I'm a big girl. I was always nervous about sitting in it with someone. Harold always wanted me to but I was afraid it would crash with both of us, 600 pounds or so. It's hooked to the 2x4's that hold the porch up so the whole porch would have to come down. Of course I am a really big girl, LOL.



LOL I doubt you could tear down a whole PORCH.  I was more skeptical about the chains and the metal. I figured it might be fine for a while but one day one of the links would give way and Kablam! I'm sprawled there on the ground struggling to rise while apologizing profusely for destroying my neighbor's swing.


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## steely (Feb 26, 2010)

You come visit anytime and we'll put you on that swing. I'll even get on it with you, if it breaks we'll just laugh, if we don't break a bone that is!


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 26, 2010)

steely said:


> You come visit anytime and we'll put you on that swing. I'll even get on it with you, if it breaks we'll just laugh, if we don't break a bone that is!



*squeee* Deal.


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## littlefairywren (Feb 26, 2010)

steely said:


> I hung the porch swing today. It's been very sad. It is very hard to lift the whole porch swing. It reminded me of the glaring one-ness of myself. I was two for such a long time. It is exhausting being one, all the things that are so much easier done by two. Let's just face it, everything is easier with two.
> 
> I was able to hang the porch swing as one and I guess that is the metaphor for my life. I will go on as one but there is a gaping chasm where two should be. It seems unfair to know that I have to go on and will but the pain remains the same.



I love your porch swing Amy....that lovely blue and all!
It looks so inviting


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## steely (Feb 27, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> I love your porch swing Amy....that lovely blue and all!
> It looks so inviting



You come on over, too. We'll all three get on that porch swing!


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## nettie (Feb 28, 2010)

I haven't had much time to post, Steely, but I just wanted to send you my warmest thoughts


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## littlefairywren (Feb 28, 2010)

steely said:


> You come on over, too. We'll all three get on that porch swing!



I would LOVE that, sounds like fun to me!! :happy:


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## steely (Feb 28, 2010)

nettie said:


> I haven't had much time to post, Steely, but I just wanted to send you my warmest thoughts



Thanks nettie, I appreciate your warm thoughts.




littlefairywren said:


> I would LOVE that, sounds like fun to me!! :happy:



You know you are always welcome!


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## Punkin1024 (Mar 1, 2010)

I adore porch swings! Save room for me!


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## Ho Ho Tai (Mar 1, 2010)

steely said:


> I hung the porch swing today. It's been very sad. It is very hard to lift the whole porch swing. It reminded me of the glaring one-ness of myself. I was two for such a long time. It is exhausting being one, all the things that are so much easier done by two. Let's just face it, everything is easier with two.
> 
> I was able to hang the porch swing as one and I guess that is the metaphor for my life. I will go on as one but there is a gaping chasm where two should be. It seems unfair to know that I have to go on and will but the pain remains the same.



Steely -

I have been following this thread, biding my time in replying after a brief entry (above.) 

It's nearly 2 am. Mrs Ho Ho is sleeping peacefully, but I seem to be a bit fitful tonight, so am chasing after sleep with a bit of yogurt and e-mail.

I decided to respond to your post, and the picture of your beautiful porch swing, because the idea is so close to the bench and trees that Mrs Ho Ho and I have on the grounds of my old university. It is part of a scholarship program, but it is our place too, in a very special way. I'm sure that, of all the places we have been, have lived, have visited, this will be the one that one of us will return to, alone, after the other has passed.

Alone, but not really alone. She or I will be accompanied by the memories and the love, always alive, in our hearts. We have shaped our relationship over many years, but the relationship has shaped us too. Each of us is, in a sense, a monument to that sculpturing and that will not be lost. Each of us may sense a touch, on the shoulder, or the hand, and imagine that we hear remembered words and phrases as the wind moves through the trees.

I have no idea what remains of us, beyond what I have just written. But I still feel that your husband is very proud of you, just as I will be of Mrs Ho Ho. He will be proud of you for handling your life as you have, and for hanging that swing.

Swing away, Steely, until your heart finds ease. Swing away, and you may feel that touch, or hear those words in the wind.


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## steely (Mar 1, 2010)

Punkin1024 said:


> I adore porch swings! Save room for me!



There is always room for you! I wouldn't have it any other way.


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## steely (Mar 1, 2010)

Ho Ho Tai said:


> Steely -
> 
> I have been following this thread, biding my time in replying after a brief entry (above.)
> 
> ...



Oh Mr Ho Ho, I appreciate your words so much. I can't really find the words at the moment to express that but I hope you know that I do. When the tears stop I will try my best to tell you.


I have been touched by grace with this thread. I can not tell all of you how much you have meant to me. The words of kindness, hope and support. I stand all amazed at the love that you all have given to me. I do not know what I would have done without your support. The words are inadequate to express how deeply I have been changed and transformed by the generosity of your spirits. I have been blessed and I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


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## Ho Ho Tai (Mar 1, 2010)

steely said:


> Oh Mr Ho Ho, I appreciate your words so much. I can't really find the words at the moment to express that but I hope you know that I do. When the tears stop I will try my best to tell you.
> 
> 
> I have been touched by grace with this thread. I can not tell all of you how much you have meant to me. The words of kindness, hope and support. I stand all amazed at the love that you all have given to me. I do not know what I would have done without your support. The words are inadequate to express how deeply I have been changed and transformed by the generosity of your spirits. I have been blessed and I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.



Steely -

It was very late last night when I posted that reply to you. I meant every word of it - the heart tends to be most open in the wee hours - but it may explain why I blundered into a restricted forum, where males should rightly fear to tread. I just want to add a small comment to the previous and then I leave this forum to it's rightful inhabitants.

I had a pretty miserable childhood, filled with many emotional and physical issues. (Not too unusual - that description would fit many kids.) In my adult life, I've sometimes wished that I could go back to that little fellow - the former 'me' - and whisper that everything will turn out fine in the end. But of course the paradoxes of time travel would suggest that would not be a good idea, even if possible.

The alternative is to support people I meet (or am related to) who are not as far along their pathways as I am along mine, offering such resources as are appropriate.

However, I am sometimes as anxious about my own future path now as my child-self was then. I can't whisper to my older self that things will be fine; all I can do is continue to learn from life - mine and the lives of others - and try to be prepared for what is surely to come. While I come here to read your story (and the stories of others) and to sympathize, I am really here to learn from you. There are many of you (yourself included) who, while much younger than I am, seem to me to be more emotionally mature. The mentors I had when I was younger have now passed on (though the lessons they taught me are still very much a part of me.) While they are gone, my need for mentors still persists. I hope I can comfort you, but know also that I am learning from you.

I am not here to mourn and can only hope that my presence here is not entirely inappropriate. I thank you (all of you) from the bottom of my heart for sharing as much and as deeply as you have.


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## msbard90 (Mar 3, 2010)

Steely,
You are extremely strong. ((((huggggsss))))


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## truebebeblue (Mar 4, 2010)

I can relate... I lost my boyfriend In June 08 Suddenly..
It's life changing and I will never be the same.
No one escapes life without scars
and I can't imagine a better person to carry a scar for.
So I treasure it, It's proof I loved deeply at least once.


True


P.s. we will never be the same and that is perfectly okay.


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## steely (Mar 15, 2010)

I just wanted to drop back in and tell everyone that I did get the job. I'm going to be alright. My life seems to be moving forward and want to thank all of you for kind thoughts, wishes and prayers. I couldn't have come this far without all of you. :bow:


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## andr (Mar 15, 2010)

I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs from me


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## steely (Mar 18, 2010)

andr said:


> I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs from me



Thank you, andr


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## Punkin1024 (Mar 21, 2010)

Amy, so glad you got the job and your life is moving forward. (((((((Amy)))))))


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## imfree (May 22, 2010)

You have my utmost sympathy, Amy. Edgar


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