# self-image confusion



## Sweetie (Feb 21, 2014)

I have really hit a rough patch recently. I was feeling so much better about my appearance after spending time here on DIMS, but after a series of really ugly dating experiences I find myself feeling worse than ever. Now when I receive any compliments on my appearance I find myself feeling almost angry. I feel like the words are nothing more than false flattery to obtain sex. I hate feeling this way. Am I the only one to experience these feelings? Or is this just a reaction to the bad dating experiences that will pass? What can I do to get out of this negative feeling rut? Any insight would really be appreciated.


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## AuntHen (Feb 21, 2014)

I think that in order to really come to terms/peace with your self image, inside and/or out, YOU have to say and believe "I am sooooo much more than my body... I am so much more than my fat... etc..."

I say this, because this is what I have been doing and learning. I am a human being with a soul, brain, heart, dreams, desires, the list goes on. For so long I focused on my body, as if that was all I had to bring to the table and all that was all that had to be wonderful in order for people (men) to notice me. My body is a part of me, yes, but only a part (and not the best, most significant part).

Compliments are fine and flattering and I truly believe that most men (in the dating scene) always start off on their "sexual foot". I mean if he is complimenting your appearance, he IS focused on the physical at the moment, yes? He hasn't been able to get to know you in the beginning, so he starts out with what he does know... your appearance. The rest ends up being a "time will tell", weeding out period. Are they complimenting anything else about you along the way/over time? 
Inner qualities they see in you... any humor, any kindness, any intelligence, any talents... 

I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I think the best relationships come from someone who is/has been a good friend first. Someone that has taken the time to know you from a starting point that isn't about your body... is so much more than your body.

There are going to always be people in our lives (men you date, family, people on the street, etc) who treat us as if we are only worth what we look like on the outside... the true question is, how do WE measure our worth?


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## Marlayna (Feb 21, 2014)

Sweetie said:


> I have really hit a rough patch recently. I was feeling so much better about my appearance after spending time here on DIMS, but after a series of really ugly dating experiences I find myself feeling worse than ever. Now when I receive any compliments on my appearance I find myself feeling almost angry. I feel like the words are nothing more than false flattery to obtain sex. I hate feeling this way. Am I the only one to experience these feelings? Or is this just a reaction to the bad dating experiences that will pass? What can I do to get out of this negative feeling rut? Any insight would really be appreciated.


Take a break from dating for a little while, work on getting your self-esteem back, and then go back into battle, a little wiser and a little more cautious about who you share yourself with...
and I'm not talking about sex, per se. Self-esteem, in a culture that mocks fat people, needs to be worked on daily. It's like building a muscle, the harder you work it, the stronger it gets.


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## FatAndProud (Feb 21, 2014)

I just want to say when someone compliments you, take it and receive that comment. Be grateful. They say it in truth, regardless of intentions. Plus, hearing that positive talk from another person will lighten your spirits about yourself. Then, you can begin complimenting yourself and believing it  It's so much better than self-loathing


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## x0emnem0x (Feb 21, 2014)

You know who you are and regardless of what you look like you should know you are a wonderful person. You need to love yourself and love your body and love your soul. Accept that you are who you are and when you accept that, others will, too. Not everyone, because we all know there are some complete assholes out there, but people will see that confidence glowing from you and know you're not a force to be reckoned with, and once they get to know you they'll see what a bright and kind person you are! Some days I loathe how I look, and other days I absolutely think I am the hottest shit on this planet. You have your good and bad days like everyone else, just remind yourself this feeling will not last forever and work on accepting you. You deserve to be happy!


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## Sweetie (Feb 21, 2014)

Thanks to all of you for your input. I think I really need to back off the dating thing for now. Time to refortify.


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## superodalisque (Feb 22, 2014)

this happens to ALL women. a lot of women are fighting a battle with low self esteem these days. it can come from not having a father figure. it can come from the media, bullies etc... messed up men who are also fighting that battle will figure it out and target you to raise their own self esteem. they are out there reading what emotionally incapable sociopaths write like "the Game" etc... and withholding their true selves, love and affection because for some reason "winning" against women who scare the hell out of them is more important. i think it's mainly because they don't feel loveable for themselves either. i think the media has been working on us all to convince us that we have absolutely nothing anyone wants except for some kind of commodity as sex has become. 

i think what FatAndProud has been saying is really helpful. people may lead with the sexual foot but your body is not all there is to it. YOU yourself are a loveable person and so much more attractive than any body anyone could have of any type. a lot of what is generally considered to be beautiful women also fall into this very same trap. they get disappointed because one day they realize that as nice as compliments are they mean absolutely nothing if they aren't backed up by emotional maturity and good intentions. absolutely every woman exploring her sexual power goes through it. enjoy the hell out of what you look like. it's fun. it's to please you. but, don't ever let ANYONE get away with treating you some dumb prostitute. a guy will come along who is not just sexually awake but also emotionally awake and then it is on!

love you girl! ((((HUGS))))

i just posted this my page yesterday before i read this and i think some people here might like it. 

View attachment 1926781_665970866795578_1707361400_n.jpg


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## lucca23v2 (Feb 22, 2014)

Sweetie said:


> I have really hit a rough patch recently. I was feeling so much better about my appearance after spending time here on DIMS, but after a series of really ugly dating experiences I find myself feeling worse than ever. Now when I receive any compliments on my appearance I find myself feeling almost angry. I feel like the words are nothing more than false flattery to obtain sex. I hate feeling this way. Am I the only one to experience these feelings? Or is this just a reaction to the bad dating experiences that will pass? What can I do to get out of this negative feeling rut? Any insight would really be appreciated.



I have to say this is an amazing environment! That being said, I can understand how you feel. To be honest with you, this isn't really a "BBW" issue. I think everyone goes through it. I know plenty of thin girls that feel the same way. 

Personally, I had to learn to accept that not everyone is going to like me and that is ok. 

I know this sounds like hokum, but I honestly believe that if you are happy and confident in yourself, it will show and people are attracted to happy and confident people. I honestly believe that confidence is sexy. I mean there is nothing more appealing than someone who knows who they are and they carry themselves with confidence.

Just my thoughts.


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## Sweetie (Feb 22, 2014)

[/B][/B]UOTE=superodalisque;2052016]this happens to ALL women. a lot of women are fighting a battle with low self esteem these days. it can come from not having a father figure. it can come from the media, bullies etc... messed up men who are also fighting that battle will figure it out and target you to raise their own self esteem. they are out there reading what emotionally incapable sociopaths write like "the Game" etc... and withholding their true selves, love and affection because for some reason "winning" against women who scare the hell out of them is more important. i think it's mainly because they don't feel loveable for themselves either. i think the media has been working on us all to convince us that we have absolutely nothing anyone wants except for some kind of commodity as sex has become. 

i think what FatAndProud has been saying is really helpful. people may lead with the sexual foot but your body is not all there is to it. YOU yourself are a loveable person and so much more attractive than any body anyone could have of any type. a lot of what is generally considered to be beautiful women also fall into this very same trap. they get disappointed because one day they realize that as nice as compliments are they mean absolutely nothing if they aren't backed up by emotional maturity and good intentions. absolutely every woman exploring her sexual power goes through it. enjoy the hell out of what you look like. it's fun. it's to please you. but, don't ever let ANYONE get away with treating you some dumb prostitute. a guy will come along who is not just sexually awake but also emotionally awake and then it is on!

love you girl! ((((HUGS))))

i just posted this my page yesterday before i read this and i think some people here might like it.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your comments. They reached through the fog I have been in. Xxxooo


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## Sweetie (Feb 22, 2014)

Once again I am reminded how lucky I am to have found DIMS. Thank you to all of you for your support and insight.


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## NewfieGal (Mar 31, 2014)

How easy is it though to respond to the bad and ignore the good? I used to have a hard time accepting compliments because I was always waiting for the negative punch line behind it but you know what, we are all awesome and people don't have the power to makes us feel bad about ourselves unless we give it to them, I usually just say thanks now  It's so easy to fall in a rut but I choose to believe even with all the bad experiences I've had that there is a lot of good as well and the folks here at Dims are the proof... Don't let a couple bad experiences sour you gotta kiss a lot of frogs sometimes to get the prince but I'm sure the end journey will be worth it!


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