# Cheer me up and win a prize.



## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

My car broke down on the way home from work yesterday. In rush hour traffic. In 90 degree heat. It's going to cost an arm and a leg to fix, when I barely have an arm. And the rental car is costing me a spleen. 

Oh, and I'm single again. 

Things could be much worse, I know this. Many people would do drastic things to have problems like mine. But today I'm feeling kind of discouraged and pretty sad. 

So who's seen or heard something funny recently? Something heartwarming? Even something lurid and/or titillating (not even the word "titillating" amuses me today) would do. Anything distracting. And whomever cheers me up the most gets a prize. I have no idea what, but it'll be good. Even better than a grilled cheese sammich (which, coincidentally, I think I'll go make myself for lunch - and it may even cheer me up a little). 

First, though, I'm going to resurrect the thread about the good things about being single. 

Smooches and inappropriate gropes to you all.



P.S. Is it "whomever" or "whoever"? Tina? Anyone? Bueller? Something-o-o economics?


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 23, 2006)

Meet Gorgeous George. I would feel sorry for this dude if he weren't such a damned idiot/jerk. The great thing about this show, as you can see from the "best-of" video above, is the people who call in to this live show, which apparently does not screen its calls. Gorgeous George is, shall we say, a little delusional, and a small group of local telephone thugs is determined to bring him down to earth. The unending barrage of prank phone calls (of which the above video shows only a fraction) is the most unbelievably hilarious thing I've seen in a long time.

But what really puts it over the top is George's reactions. He spews the lamest comebacks in hisory, which he and his partners in television crime think are the funniest, wittiest comebacks in recorded history. This makes it even funnier. To top it all off, after a slew of rude phone calls, George gets really ruffled and demands respect from his viewing audience, only to take another phone call and hear the sound of a toilet flushing (which, as you will see, is the most popular recurring prank call on the show).


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## gypsy (Jun 23, 2006)

Aww Carrie, I'm sorry you're having a time....

I hope these might bring a smile to your face. 

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## SamanthaNY (Jun 23, 2006)

Okay, I'll try. They're minor, but this and this brought a wry smile to my face. 

And if those don't do it - then here:


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## swamptoad (Jun 23, 2006)

http://parentswish.bluellipse.com/

My wife and I like this.


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## MisticalMisty (Jun 23, 2006)

HFC called herself a man in Hyde Park..LOL

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time Chica..I feel ya!


A very self-important college freshman at a recent football game, took 
>it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it 
>was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
>
> "You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the 
>student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people 
>today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the 
>moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, 
>electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and 
>uh.. "
>
> Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the 
>old man said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we 
>were young... so we invented them... you arrogant little sh!thead!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the 
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big 
disappointment to me. You lie. You cheat on your wife. You manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big
shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked,
Mom: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is 
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very 
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 23, 2006)

My favorite motivation speech evah!! From MEATBALLS:

Bill Murray exhorts on his less-then-competant campers: "And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child joined hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or if we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! Rest of group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER..."


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## Esme (Jun 23, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> My favorite motivation speech evah!! From MEATBALLS:
> 
> Bill Murray exhorts on his less-then-competant campers: "And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child joined hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or if we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! Rest of group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER..."




Sandie... I think I love you! That's my FAVORITE cheer up chant EVAH! The best part is, I'll say it at work and no one gets the reference.  (They understand the sentiment though)


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## Esme (Jun 23, 2006)

Oh, and Carrie, I'm sorry life is sucking for you right now.

Maybe some Bruce will help...


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## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 23, 2006)

PERSON 1: My dog has no nose.

PERSON 2: Then how does he smell?

PERSON 1: Awful!


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## Blackjack (Jun 23, 2006)

I have a collection of funny videos and stuff saved to my computer, if you want me to send them to you over IM. It's easier than trying to upload them someplace and then linking it.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

Carrie said:


> My car broke down on the way home from work yesterday. In rush hour traffic. In 90 degree heat. It's going to cost an arm and a leg to fix, when I barely have an arm. And the rental car is costing me a spleen.
> 
> Oh, and I'm single again.
> 
> ...



Well fuckity fuck......I'm sorry sugar. bout the breakup, about the car..bout all of it.

Hmmm...

Lessie...

firstly.....you're beautiful.

Secondly...you are smart, and kind and witty.

Thirdly...you have a great sense of yourself and a strong sense of what you need, what matters to you, and what you like. That is half the battle in life.

Hmm...funny story.

I have a friend who managed to pin a "Kick Me, I'm a Homophobic Meglomanic" sign on the back of Pat Robertson during a convention. True story. It stayed there for at least 5 minutes, too. Marvelous.

Things that make life good:

Down comforters
Billie Holiday
Burnout Velvet
Sushi
A really great pair of earrings.
Waking up saturday morning with the house clean, laundry done, and food in the fridge.
DOGGIES
girlfriends
the Shawshank Redemption
twice baked potatoes
beads
slumber parties when you are a grownup
Martinis
Any film by the Cohen bros.
Clean sheets
Freshly painted toenails
finding a birds nest in your garden
ok.....
thats just a tiny start...

lets list more.


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## fatlane (Jun 23, 2006)

_[George takes a corner far too fast, tossing everyone in the car from side to side. Pause]_
Martha: Aren't you going to apologize?
George: Not my fault, the road should've been straight.
Martha: No, aren't you going to apologize for making Honey throw up?
George: I didn't make her throw up.
Martha: What, you think it was handsome there? You think he made his own wife throw up?
George: Well, you make me throw up.
Martha: That's different.


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## The Obstreperous Ms. J (Jun 23, 2006)

fatlane said:


> _[George takes a corner far too fast, tossing everyone in the car from side to side. Pause]_
> Martha: Aren't you going to apologize?
> George: Not my fault, the road should've been straight.
> Martha: No, aren't you going to apologize for making Honey throw up?
> ...




Wow! Kudos for "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe"
Seriously, the theatre nerd in me just twittered with giddyness.:bow:


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## JoyJoy (Jun 23, 2006)

These gave me a little giggle. 

Feel better, Ms Carrie.


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## fatlane (Jun 23, 2006)

Now if only Godot would get here...


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## JoyJoy (Jun 23, 2006)

Something that makes me feel good....

I was going to post this on the thread Tina started about little things to be happy about, but it works here, too.

On part my drive home, I take back roads through the countryside. There's one particular spot, after rounding a curve and crossing a small bridge, where, for the past few days, I have encountered the aroma of cut hay so strong it's almost palpable, coming from several large fields in the area. That scent has such great sentimental value to me...memories of my grandfather...that it has almost brought me to tears, but it's been something I've looked forward to every evening this week. It helps me to remember to take stock and appreciate the little things that when added up, bring me a measure of peace and joy in a world of harshness.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

JoyJoy said:


> Something that makes me feel good....
> 
> I was going to post this on the thread Tina started about little things to be happy about, but it works here, too.
> 
> On part my drive home, I take back roads through the countryside. There's one particular spot, after rounding a curve and crossing a small bridge, where, for the past few days, I have encountered the aroma of cut hay so strong it's almost palpable, coming from several large fields in the area. That scent has such great sentimental value to me...memories of my grandfather...that it has almost brought me to tears, but it's been something I've looked forward to every evening this week. It helps me to remember to take stock and appreciate the little things that when added up, bring me a measure of peace and joy in a world of harshness.



Thats rather beautiful, Joy.....thanks for that....I have a very similar experience regarding orange blossoms and summer heat here in So Cal.

Also, Carrie is a babe.

(Just wanting to keep that clear.)


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## fatlane (Jun 23, 2006)

CARRIE I KNO U R SAD AND ALL AND U MIGHT EATT 2 MUCH AND GET REALLY FATTERER AND TAHTS ok BC I LIEK TEH FATT GIRLS AN U WIL B FINE BY ME AND WE COULD HAVE SEX ALOT ONCE U R A BAJILLIONDY POUNDS AND CANT MOVE UR EARS OR NOTHIN BC UR 2 FAT AND R HAVEING SEX ALOT JUST KNO I AM HERE 4 U AND UR ICE CREAM I WILL MOVE FURNITUR IF NEED B 2 ACOMMODDATE UR FAT IF U REALY GET TAHT FAT BC TAHTS COOL W ME K?


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## Jane (Jun 23, 2006)

Carrie said:


> My car broke down on the way home from work yesterday. In rush hour traffic. In 90 degree heat. It's going to cost an arm and a leg to fix, when I barely have an arm. And the rental car is costing me a spleen.


Ask if they'll take a gall bladder...I have one I need to be rid of.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

fatlane said:


> CARRIE I KNO U R SAD AND ALL AND U MIGHT EATT 2 MUCH AND GET REALLY FATTERER AND TAHTS ok BC I LIEK TEH FATT GIRLS AN U WIL B FINE BY ME AND WE COULD HAVE SEX ALOT ONCE U R A BAJILLIONDY POUNDS AND CANT MOVE UR EARS OR NOTHIN BC UR 2 FAT AND R HAVEING SEX ALOT JUST KNO I AM HERE 4 U AND UR ICE CREAM I WILL MOVE FURNITUR IF NEED B 2 ACOMMODDATE UR FAT IF U REALY GET TAHT FAT BC TAHTS COOL W ME K?




You just might be one of the funniest men on the planet.


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## EvilPrincess (Jun 23, 2006)

Pajama party @ Carrie's house - 

I'll bring the Bourbon, ice cream, chocolate sauce and straws 

We will need 

Music 

Make-up

Lotions

Potions

And things we can burn/blow up

anyone else in?


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## Blackjack (Jun 23, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Pajama party @ Carrie's house -
> 
> I'll bring the Bourbon, ice cream, chocolate sauce and straws
> 
> ...




Ooh! My mother sells all sorts of sex toys and stuff now, so maybe... (I can't think of any way of wording the rest of this idea without it sounding really dirty, but you know where I was going with it.)


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

EvilPrincess said:


> Pajama party @ Carrie's house -
> 
> I'll bring the Bourbon, ice cream, chocolate sauce and straws
> 
> ...




Woodford Reserve please....for the bourbon!

Ok...I used to be a makeup artist and a hair stylist in a different life.

I have enough potions and other grooming supplies to make everyone who shows up gorgeous....

All I ask is that someone brush my hair and paint my toes.

I have new Jammies!




PS: Carrie: Still a babe.


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## fatlane (Jun 23, 2006)

RedVelvet said:


> You just might be one of the funniest men on the planet.



I am SO going to draw your picture for that!


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## rainyday (Jun 23, 2006)

Hugs cookie. I'm going to hog space and post these in different posts so you don't have to click. They almost always make me laugh.


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## rainyday (Jun 23, 2006)

minimum characters here


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## rainyday (Jun 23, 2006)

Credit for all of these to Miroslav Bartek, a Czech humorist. You can buy his work on postcards at www.Pomegranate.com.


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## SamanthaNY (Jun 23, 2006)

Look, Francine. I'm *so *over this. Kiss my big fat ass with your minimum character bullshit. So back up, control-freak. Okay? 

I _said_... OKAY??


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## Jes (Jun 23, 2006)

Were you called a "bitter fool" in a PM just now? Because I was! You know what, Carrie, I say we leave the internets for awhile. Kick back, make some wine spritzers, and just not worry about stuff for awhile. Who cares. What do things matter? They don't, say I, and you should say so, too.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

fatlane said:


> I am SO going to draw your picture for that!




Oh pretty pretty please!.....PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

Oh my gawd Samantha..that little fluffy thingy. I go for big dogs but that little woofer is the Cutest. Thing. Ever.

Of course...if I had it I would dye it pink.....but thats me.

more doggies please.

And nice use of white font, there...I use it in my signature, myself.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 23, 2006)

Jes said:


> Were you called a "bitter fool" in a PM just now? Because I was! You know what, Carrie, I say we leave the internets for awhile. Kick back, make some wine spritzers, and just not worry about stuff for awhile. Who cares. What do things matter? They don't, say I, and you should say so, too.



Who the hell said that to you? Is there an ass that needs kicking? I'm goth, remember....I have the boots to do it.

I'm sorry, J.


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## ripley (Jun 23, 2006)

La la laaaaaaaaaa!


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## Esme (Jun 23, 2006)

He's got nasty, sharp, pointy teeth! Run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(oh please, please, please... someone get that reference )


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## ripley (Jun 23, 2006)

Heh heh heh.


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## ripley (Jun 23, 2006)

Like yours!


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## ripley (Jun 23, 2006)

Okay, funny story...not funny ha ha but funny Twilight Zone-y. 


My dad bought my sister Lisa a jewelry box from a yard sale. She gave it back to him a couple of years later so he could put it in our Uncle's yard sale because she didn't want it any more. Someone bought it from my Uncle. This was two summers ago. 

Four days ago, my brother brought Lisa something he thought she'd like from a garage sale. It was the same jewelry box. 

She's just gonna keep the damn thing.


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## Chimpi (Jun 23, 2006)

I've been pretty slumped too, Carrie.
Here's what happened to me.

I was driving home last night. I do not live far from work. Probably a ten-minute drive, you know? One of those "ALRIGHT!! Time to go home!! Crap, but I live so far away!" type of things.  Well anyway, so on the way home, I first leave my shopping plaza, and then drive through a neighborhood (and inside that neighborhood was the *first* random woman I had ever told that she was beautiful, mind you), and then out onto a main road, and it's literally straight to my house. Quite an easy way home, methinks.
So anyway, I leave the plaza, only to realize they had just painted a "FIRE LANE" in the back of the building today.
They have re-paved the entire parking lot, and re-painted the curbs and lines and everything too. And, on top of the new, black parking lot, they painted those diagonal, yellow lines - the "FIRE LANE". Please, how can it be a LANE if it is for human walking? And, what in the world!? Why would someone make the "FIRE LANE", in which you walk on (Because vehicles have to stay off of it, otherwise it's against the law... apparently), _right next to the burning building_.
Sure, I'll just walk out of the burning building, only to depart on the "FIRE LANE", burning up with the building myself. Yeah, real smart. Nincumpoops!!
*sigh* Anyway...
So I drive out of the plaza and into the neighborhood. Now, in the neighborhood, they just added section medians. I do not know why, because it used to be a 4-lane road (2 lanes going each direction). It was really nice. Now, it's 2-lane (1 per side), and they have little sections for the median, in which they put 2 palm trees on each one. Plus, about 20 sprinklers on each one. Talk about over-hydrating sod. (No, we do not have real grass down here) So yeah, I'm driving down that road, cursing out each single sprinkler, and each single palm tree that now stares at me while driving down the road, and each single median all-together, thinking "WHY!?!?!?! WHY OH WHY DID THEY HAVE TO KILL JOHN LENNON!?!?!", you know? 'Cuz, that's a huge issue when it comes to medians.
So I'm driving down, and this Sheriff car comes roaring behind me. The speed limit is 25MPH on that particular road. He must have been going 60MPH. He literally drives on the opposite side of the road to get around me and the median(s). It was insane. As he was zooming behind me (or she, whichever it may be...), I was thinking to myself "WHY!?!?!?!? WHY OH WHY HAS THE COOKIE JAR BEEN STOLEN FROM!?!??", you know? 'Cuz that's a huge issue when it comes to Sheriff's.
Now, it takes about 15 seconds to go through the neighborhood to get to the main road. No big deal at all. I reach the main road, only to see the woman I told was beautiful jogging down the road. I saw that, and was thinking "WHY!?!?!? WHY OH WHY WAS JOGGING CREATED TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR US FAT CHICKS!?!?!?", you know? 'Cuz that's a huge issue when it comes to fattening people up. 
I turn onto the main road, and start my long ride home. All of a sudden, another Sherrif car comes racing by me. This particular road speed limit is 45MPH, and he must have been going at least 46MPH. Freakin' road hog! As he passes me, at 46MPH, somehow I manage to get a glimpse of him. Yes, this time, I am sure it was a him. Or, maybe it just looked like a him, because at that speed, the blur of the person going by just looks like a huge mush. A huge pile of sheikra. A shrud, if I may. A sham of ham, if I might.
Now, that alone was shocking. Getting a glimpse of a him Sherrif. To top it off, I noticed him look at me! I was so embarassed. You know that feeling you get, like your hair on your head and arms and back is standing up? I know you have back hair. I know you have loads of back hair. You, Carrie, are a hairy beast!! 
Sure, he looked at me. To top even THAT off, he put his pointer and middle finger on his right hand, which had 2 moles on it (I was able to slow time down, as he was going 46MPH, to see his hand that well...awesome, huh?), into the shape of a 'V', put it up to his mouth, and slapped his tongue around like he was trying to lick an invisible shield marked up with dead bugs from driving so darn fast.
Crazy, crazy, CRAZY baastid.
At this point, the embarassment went away. Now I was just utterly turned on. I've never been dead-bugged before. I've seen it happen to others, but have never had the pleasure of getting the experience upon myself. To tell you the truth, it kind of grossed me out, picturing him, with the shape of a 'V', licking the crap out of dead windshield bugs. But, to each his own, you know? Us fat chicks know all about odd-balls. 

So okay, finally the car speeds off. It looked like he slowed down .5MPH while he was passing me. Don't you hate that? Someone starts passing you, and the slow down? Or even when you go to pass them, and they speed up. Crazy baastid's!

So, I'm still driving down the road. Gee, in the rear-view mirror, that turn I took onto the main road looked pretty close to where I was that second. *shrugs* That just glorifies how much faster that Sherrif was going than the previous Sherrif. So much for law-enforcement. The first had his/hers/its lights on. The bug-licker didn't. *sigh*  Oh well.

So I'm driving along. "La la la". You know? You know that. "La la la".  Common description of 'something(s) happening'. So, la la la, I'm driving along, and along comes another car, speeding up behind me. Though, this ones going so fast, I have no idea what in the world it is. I just hear this "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZzzzzzzzzz" sound as it goes by, almost like a Kawasaki Crotch-Rocket, only, at a much higher rate. *shrugs* I don't think it was one though, because it only had 1 headlight. *shrugs* One headlight usually means a limo.
Anyway.
It seems like forever. With all that has happened since I have embarked on the road, it feels so calm. A few hours must have gone by. Though, my clock stated that about 47 seconds went by without anything happening. I start taking a bend down the road, which leads to a stop-light. I see a little glimmer of Red/Blue flashing lights on a fence that goes along the road. "Oh great. WHY!?!?!?! WHY OH WHY WAS RED AND BLUE INVENTED!!?! IF IT HADN'T, THERE'D BE NO COPS!!!!" was going through my head at that second, you know? 'Cuz that's a huge issue when it comes to white fences along the side of the road.
So I see about 5 sets of flashing lights in front of me. Greeeeaaaaaaaaat. Yeah, I know. Tell me about it. Great. I'm pulling up to the stop-light, and notice that some sort of accident had happened. I start laughing. I can imagine the face you have right now, me, laughing at an accident. How horrid of an image!!! (Your face, not me...)  (I keeding, Cawweee) I notice someone running away from the scene. No wait. Two. No, Three people running away, headed the direction I was heading, down the road. The first person was on fire. Literally, on fire, running down the road. The other two looked like police officers (maybe Sherrif's?), but they were so fat, there was no chance of them keeping up with a burning human. No chance at all. *shrugs* p I like fat people, so I mean no offense to everyone... this is just the _true_ story) So I'm pulling up to the stop-light, wondering to myself "How the @*($)@(* !)(#)(*@ am I %)@($)(@*$ supposed to !(&#(*&& get to my @@()$*@(%)*( [email protected])$(*@$*!*(! home now!?!?! @@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!", you know? 'Cuz accidents tend to do that to people. "@()$*@&%()*!&@#! STUPID ACCIDENT-PRONE MORONS!" You know, one 'o them type 'o things.
So anyway, I pull out, let out a fart, my car blows up, and I die.

True story. True story.
The End.



Hope you feel better soon, Carrie! 
I can offer you Cookie Dough!


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## ScreamingChicken (Jun 23, 2006)

Carrie said:


> My car broke down on the way home from work yesterday. In rush hour traffic. In 90 degree heat. It's going to cost an arm and a leg to fix, when I barely have an arm. And the rental car is costing me a spleen.
> 
> Oh, and I'm single again.
> 
> ...


Sorry about all the bad luck. You're just a dog running off from having a #1 country hit, though. It will get better,


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## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

YOU GUYS. :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: :wubu: 

Wow, you did me proud. Lots of smiles and giggles - maybe even a few snorts - illicited. You're a wonderful and depraved (or maybe wonderfully depraved) bunch of people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! :smitten:


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## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

gypsy said:


> Aww Carrie, I'm sorry you're having a time....
> 
> I hope these might bring a smile to your face.



Hee! Have you ever seen this site, gyp? 

http://www.tshirtsthatsuck.com/


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## Fuzzy (Jun 23, 2006)

Getting stuck in traffic in the heat deserves some Calvin and Hobbes Snow Art!!


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## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

TSL, I'm on my old laptop with the broken speakers, but I'll be sure to watch tomorrow - I love public access goofballs.  

Samantha, you naughty thing! (Heh-heh). The kitten made me happy. 

Swamps, thank you.  

Misty, I loved the second joke in particular! Hah! 

Sandie and Esme, I agree with you - best motivational speech ever. CLASSIC. (P.S. Thanks for the Bruce, E - it looks like he's reaching out to grope me, which can only be a good thing). 

Ms. J - Monty Python, always a good rx for the blues.


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## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

Blackjack, thank you. I just may take you up on that.  (P.S. "a collection of funny videos and stuff saved to my computer" = porn, yes?)

RedVelvet, I've forgotten - who asked you to join us? 'Cause I think I owe someone a big hug for luring you over here. )) Thank you for the lovely things you said. 

fatlane.... words fail me. Both posts - Virginia Woolf and bajilliondy boy - made me absolutely HOWL. Well done. 

Joy, thank you for those beautiful words. I've always thought that smell is one of, if not the strongest sensory recall senses. I know *exactly* what you mean, and you made me think of how the scent of honeysuckles takes me right back to the backyard of my house when I was four years old, where they grew on a fence. Happy memories there. 

Jane, they said they're all full up on gall bladders now, but how attached are you to your ass fat? 'Cause supposedly it's great for smoothing out facial wrinkles in the Beverly Hills set, and is in great demand...


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## Jane (Jun 23, 2006)

You people are such wusses, I know how to cheer Carrie up best of all:


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## Jane (Jun 23, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Jane, they said they're all full up on gall bladders now, but how attached are you to your ass fat? 'Cause supposedly it's great for smoothing out facial wrinkles in the Beverly Hills set, and is in great demand...


Oh, honey, they could remold everyone in Beverly Hills and still have fat left. Whatever you need.


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## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

E.P., yes!!! Slumber party! And guess what?

Music - check
Make-up - check
Lotions - check
Potions - check
And things we can burn/blow up - hell yes

So when can I expect you?  (and Blackjack with the sex toys, and RedVelvet with her hair styling accoutrements!)

Rainy, thank you, sweetpea. I have a really embarassing confession, though - I don't get the second one. The first and third ones are hilarious, but I need you to susplain the second one to me, please.  

Jes, yes. Yesyesyes. Less internets, more wine spritzers. And you are NOT a bitter fool. Pffft. 

Ripley to the rescue! With the....well, kinda scary bunny. That jewelry box story is definitely a la The Twilight Zone (cue music). 

Chimpi, you and I do use cookie dough in very different ways. Keep yours away from mine. 

Screaming Chicken - yes, well, it is all rather Loretta Lynn-ish, isn't it? I'll cop to that.  

Fuzzy, thanks for the Calvin & Hobbes! Always a crowd pleaser.


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## Carrie (Jun 23, 2006)

Jane, what, no dangly bits? I feel so cheated!


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## Jane (Jun 23, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Jane, what, no dangly bits? I feel so cheated!


Yeah, well, I sat and screamed at the monitor, hoping they would turn around. No such luck.


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## Esme (Jun 23, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Rainy, thank you, sweetpea. I have a really embarassing confession, though - I don't get the second one. The first and third ones are hilarious, but I need you to susplain the second one to me, please.



I'm not Rainy, but I can help... the arrow's in his tushie... which is in front of the bullseye.


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## Aliena (Jun 23, 2006)

rainyday said:


> Hugs cookie. I'm going to hog space and post these in different posts so you don't have to click. They almost always make me laugh.




Man Rainy, that one always cracks me up!! ****ALWAYS****


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## Carrie (Jun 24, 2006)

Esme said:


> I'm not Rainy, but I can help... the arrow's in his tushie... which is in front of the bullseye.



Okay, in fairness to me, first of all, yes, I am a dumbass.  But second, I thought the arrow was embedded in the bullseye to the right of his arse. 

But yeah, now I see that it's funny.


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## Carrie (Jun 24, 2006)

P.S. Things are looking up. I'm flipping channels, and "Coal Miner's Daughter" is on. Yaaaaay!


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## Blackjack (Jun 24, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Blackjack, thank you. I just may take you up on that.  (P.S. "a collection of funny videos and stuff saved to my computer" = porn, yes?)



Hell, I've got both. I just kinda figured that maybe you'd want to see the America's Funniest Home Videos compilation of cats. But if you really want, I do have like 4 gigs in my "Stuff" folder.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 24, 2006)

Say it with me LADIES loud and proud:

*IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!*

_Eeeeeeeeeeven_ if - everything in your life was perfect you would STILL get your period on the night you planned the *BIG SEDUCTION!!!!!!!!!!*

*IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!*


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## ripley (Jun 24, 2006)

He is not scary!!


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## Carrie (Jun 24, 2006)

ripley said:


> He is not scary!!



He could take a finger off with those choppers! 

You're going to need a bigger boat...


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## RedVelvet (Jun 24, 2006)

Nope....no one sent me here, sweets....I found you guys by checking my site stats and seeing my site linked here...

It was follow the HTML all the way....






Oh, and you are a babe.


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## Jack Skellington (Jun 24, 2006)

Nothing cheers people up like Shatner's honey scented flatulence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LAA9SK2sM4


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## Shikamaru (Jun 24, 2006)

umm... Bruce sound clips to cheer you up?
http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/boomstic.wav
http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/smart.wav
http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/klaatu.wav
http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/pillow.wav


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## RedVelvet (Jun 24, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Hee! Have you ever seen this site, gyp?
> 
> http://www.tshirtsthatsuck.com/




I have a "hooray for boobies!" shirt....which always makes people smile.

Got it from Bust Magazine.....Coolest. Magazine. Eva.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 24, 2006)

Carrie,

Don't feel baaaaaad we love you!


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## fatlane (Jun 24, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Carrie,
> 
> Don't feel baaaaaad we love you!



That's really gonna get her goat.


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## Sandie S-R (Jun 24, 2006)

Ahhhhh, Carrie...

I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. I'm getting ready to go to the Scottish Highland Games this weekend...and I'll be taking lots of pictures. I will send some to you when I get home.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Pray for a windy day.


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## RedVelvet (Jun 24, 2006)

Sandie S-R said:


> Ahhhhh, Carrie...
> 
> I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. I'm getting ready to go to the Scottish Highland Games this weekend...and I'll be taking lots of pictures. I will send some to you when I get home.
> 
> ...



Oh oh oh how I love men in kilts....especially when they are worn properly (sans knickers)

THANKS for this one...mmm mmm!


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## Jack Skellington (Jun 24, 2006)

Those dreaded Lingering Odors.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_70CQkitT5o


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## Michelle (Jun 24, 2006)

Okay, here are two things that always make me laugh. 

One of the cutest commercials I've seen:
http://home.comcast.net/~michelllle/BudParrots.wmv

My bird Nigel eating "light" (the inspiration for my Dear Anta eating light post):
http://home.comcast.net/~michelllle/nigel.avi

Obviously, you're a cutie, or I wouldn't have taken the time to upload and link to these, so there!!!!


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## ThatFatGirl (Jun 24, 2006)

Carrie, I hope today brings a little lightening of your heart and spirits.. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. You are a most remarkable, lovely girl and seeing a thread like this and makes me want to send the biggest of hugs your way and bludgeon anyone or anything that dims your spirit in any way.

To brighter days... 

This still makes me laugh out loud.. hope our girl Natalie cheers you a little too: http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml


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## Esme (Jun 24, 2006)

RedVelvet said:


> I have a "hooray for boobies!" shirt....which always makes people smile.
> 
> Got it from Bust Magazine.....Coolest. Magazine. Eva.




I.Am.So.JEALOUS!!!!


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## Jes (Jun 24, 2006)

Jane said:


> You people are such wusses, I know how to cheer Carrie up best of all:


This is what I imagine california being like ALL THE TIME. Am I right? Please, dear god, am I right?


(in truth, they're sort of too pretty for me, but I like the idea of it anyway)


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## ThatFatGirl (Jun 24, 2006)

Boys this pretty and fit are usually gay... Yes, it's a stereotype, but in the real world, we'd see some hair somewhere other than their heads and they simply wouldn't be caught naked _together_... because that is gay.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 24, 2006)

Yes, Jes, and TFG's right. They're probably 'mos. But they'd probably let you bat their dangly bits for a tip.


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## Mini (Jun 24, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Yes, Jes, and TFG's right. They're probably 'mos. But they'd probably let you bat their dangly bits for a tip.



I'm fit and I'm not (totally) gay. STEREOTYPER!!!


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 24, 2006)

You're right. Plus you'd let Jes bat your bits for free. I'm sorry...


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## Mini (Jun 24, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> You're right. Plus you'd let Jes bat your bits for free. I'm sorry...



Apology accepted.


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## Jes (Jun 24, 2006)

don't i get any say in whether i'd bat his bit? bite his bat? boot his butt?


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## Mini (Jun 24, 2006)

Jes said:


> don't i get any say in whether i'd bat his bit? bite his bat? boot his butt?



See, this is exactly why women's liberation is a bad idea.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 24, 2006)

Jes said:


> don't i get any say in whether i'd bat his bit? bite his bat? boot his butt?



Do what you want, but keep the euphony going.


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## Ryan (Jun 24, 2006)

What did one necrophiliac say to the other? 

"Hey, man...wanna go out for a few cold ones?"


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## rainyday (Jun 24, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Okay, in fairness to me, first of all, yes, I am a dumbass.  But second, I thought the arrow was embedded in the bullseye to the right of his arse.
> 
> But yeah, now I see that it's funny.



Yup, Esme figured it out. That pic isn't great quality, so it *is* kind of hard to see.


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## fatlane (Jun 24, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Okay, in fairness to me, first of all, yes, I am a dumbass.



Way to go, dumbass.


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## NancyGirl74 (Jun 24, 2006)

How do you feel about shoes? Sexy new shoes always cheer me up.

I know I can't post pics of my babies but their sweet little faces would cheer anyone up. As a childcare provider hugs from a baby who thinks you're the next best thing to mommy brightens my mood every day. 

If all else fails watching a three hankie movie is good for purging the soul. I recommend "The Joy Luck Club." That's a _five_ hankie movie right there.

Hope you feel better soon. *hugs*


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## Jes (Jun 24, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Do what you want, but keep the euphony going.


bump his bum?


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## FreeThinker (Jun 24, 2006)

Jes said:


> bump his bum?



Da bum-bump.

*ba dum-bump!*


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## Blackjack (Jun 24, 2006)

NancyGirl74 said:


> If all else fails watching a three hankie movie is good for purging the soul. I recommend "The Joy Luck Club." That's a _five_ hankie movie right there.



How many hankies is _Big Fish_? I know that's one of my soul-purges right there, and I feel so relieved afterwards.


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## NancyGirl74 (Jun 24, 2006)

Blackjack said:


> How many hankies is _Big Fish_? I know that's one of my soul-purges right there, and I feel so relieved afterwards.



I haven't seen it but I'll keep it in mind the next time I need a good cry.


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## Blackjack (Jun 24, 2006)

NancyGirl74 said:


> I haven't seen it but I'll keep it in mind the next time I need a good cry.



It's one of the few movies that I cry at the end of. Even when I watched it at the gas station in front of the whole world, I sobbed.


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## NancyGirl74 (Jun 24, 2006)

Blackjack said:


> It's one of the few movies that I cry at the end of. Even when I watched it at the gas station in front of the whole world, I sobbed.



I'm a sloppy sobber from way back. If it has a hint of sad to it I sob like a hormonal teenage girl who didn't get invited to the prom. I cry at cartoons. Little Mermaid? Bawled my eyes out. I cry at Sci-fi. Serenity...when the guy gets killed by the pole in his chest just as he was saying he's a leaf on the wind...Yeah, sobbing over that was an embarrassing moment for me. I cry over action movies. Terminator 2? OMG at the end when all you see his the Terminator giving the kid a thumbs up as he melts into nothing?!?!?!? My brother will never let me live that one down.

But it's movies like Steal Magnolias, The Joy Luck Club, Fried Green Tomatoes that kill me. A friend and I went to the movies last weekend and I deliberately suggested seeing a funny movie even though I wanted to see the Lake House. I just know I'll cry myself silly during that movie so I'll wait for it to come out on DVD. Besides, Nacho Libre was hilarious!


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## Aliena (Jun 24, 2006)

Once there was this man hiking in the woods. He was going along, hiking away, minding his own business. As he was going, he was suddenly stopped by a big growling mean bear. 

The man looked at the bear and the bear looked at him with great big, sharp, hungry teeth. The bear started swinging at the man and the man started running. The bear caught up with him and knocked him down on the ground. The man swung around on his back facing up at the bear, seeing that the bear had his paw up ready for the kill. 

The man screamed out, "DEAR GOD, PLEASE SAVE ME, I BEG YOU GOD PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS BEAR!!!"

Suddenly, the bear's paw stopped right in mid air. The trees became still and the whole forest stopped as if frozen in time. 
A light suddenly appeared, from the sky onto the man's face. A loud, strong, deep voice beamed through the light asking the man, "I'VE WAITED YOUR WHOLE LIFE FOR YOU TO BECOME A CHRISTIAN AND DEVOTE YOUR LIFE TO GOOD AND ME. WHY NOW, AFTER YOU'VE FAILED TO BE A GOOD CHRISTIAN MAN SHOULD I SAVE YOU?"

The man thought for awhile and replied back, "God, I realize that I have not lived an entirely good life. I've been selfish, done things that were sinful and didn't give an ounce of thought to what I've done. I suppse since it's too late to make me a Christian, I thought I'd ask you a favor."

God said, "PROCEED!"

The man went on, "God if you can't find it in your heart to make me a Christian then I ask that you please make this bear that is going to kill me a good Christian."
After the man finished asking his favor, the light suddenly disappeared and the forest was alive again. 
The bear motioned forward when suddenly, his paw dropped and he fell to his knees, bowing his head, and folding his hands he quietly began his prayer, "Dear God, thank you for this meal that I am about to eat, please bless it to nourish my body--Amen."


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

RedVelvet said:


> I have a "hooray for boobies!" shirt....which always makes people smile.
> 
> Got it from Bust Magazine.....Coolest. Magazine. Eva.



Post pics plz tanx.


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Carrie,
> 
> Don't feel baaaaaad we love you!



Sandie!! I love the pygmy goat. :wubu: Thank you!


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

Sandie S-R said:


> Ahhhhh, Carrie...
> 
> I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. I'm getting ready to go to the Scottish Highland Games this weekend...and I'll be taking lots of pictures. I will send some to you when I get home.




Looking forward to those seeing those, Sandie. Very much.


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

Ryan said:


> What did one necrophiliac say to the other?
> 
> "Hey, man...wanna go out for a few cold ones?"



:doh: 


(Heehee).


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

fatlane said:


> Way to go, dumbass.



If I bust something due to how hard you've made me laugh this weekend, I'm suing. Not fair? That's life, junior.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 25, 2006)

this always does the trick.


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

NancyGirl74 said:


> How do you feel about shoes? Sexy new shoes always cheer me up.
> 
> I know I can't post pics of my babies but their sweet little faces would cheer anyone up. As a childcare provider hugs from a baby who thinks you're the next best thing to mommy brightens my mood every day.
> 
> ...



I feel good about sexy shoes!! I got some in the mail on Wednesday, and actually took them out of the box again Friday night and ooohed and ahhhed over them for a while. Made me smile.  

Babies are also good. I looked at pictures of my nephew Cameron, which never fails to make me smile. He's an awesome kid, and looks just like me (well, a male version) when I was little. 

Nope, no tear-jerker movies for me now, thanks - I'm sick of crying, plus I have an unnatural, extreme aversion to "chick flicks". But I watched Napoleon Dynamite yesterday for the first time, and just about peed myself from laughing.  

Thank you, Nancy!


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 25, 2006)

I don't know if this'll cheer you up, necessarily or make you ill.

There's this crazy old lady that begs for stuff/steals all over town. Annoying as all hell, never a dime on her. She's about a hundred years old and smells like she slept in a pool of cat piss and has breath/teeth like she's been on a horseshit and sugar oral hygiene routine. She'll also tell you stories like her husband used to beat her and traded her for a mule if you'll listen, and then she'll ask you to buy her snuff. But I digress.

She was in our store until the new store manager ran her out for stealing sunglasses. She left her purse in the bathroom. The new manager was poking at the bag, trying to see if anything was in it that was store merchandise. Well, there was something sticking out (deli food), and R. reaches in to get it out, and drops the purse in the process. Make-up, more food, food she's probably begged off restaurants (chicken, burgers, and rolls wrapped in napkins).

But what's really great is that she's got used Depends in the mix. I was caught between laughing and gagging and R screamed bloody murder. It was great.


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

dan ex machina said:


> this always does the trick.



Dan. Oh my god, Dan. I'm sitting here with TEARS streaming down my face, I'm laughing so hard. You are UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!! That is the funniest damn thing I've ever seen. 

I think you've got a long and glorious future ahead of you as a paysite model, mister. :smitten: :wubu: :smitten: 


P.S. Can you have empty pizza boxes strewn around you in the next set, please? And maybe be wearing something way too tight?


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 25, 2006)

Things feel a little uncomfortable between Dan and Carrie now. You two want I should leave and he should take off the nipple tape?


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## NancyGirl74 (Jun 25, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Things feel a little uncomfortable between Dan and Carrie now. You two want I should leave and he should take off the nipple tape?



I think the nipple tape should stay....It's turning me on big time. 

Dan, got any more pics or do I have to become a member?


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Things feel a little uncomfortable between Dan and Carrie now. You two want I should leave and he should take off the nipple tape?



Nah, no need. I've already undressed him with my eyes ten times over. The walrus may need some counseling, though, if you're so inclined.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 25, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Dan. Oh my god, Dan. I'm sitting here with TEARS streaming down my face, I'm laughing so hard. You are UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!! That is the funniest damn thing I've ever seen.
> 
> I think you've got a long and glorious future ahead of you as a paysite model, mister. :smitten: :wubu: :smitten:
> 
> ...



believe me, if people would pay to see me i'd open nudenerd.com without a second thought


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## exile in thighville (Jun 25, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Things feel a little uncomfortable between Dan and Carrie now. You two want I should leave and he should take off the nipple tape?



my gf pretty much is the nipple tape


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## Jes (Jun 25, 2006)

dan ex machina said:


> this always does the trick.


I....I.....


*thud*

I think he should take the nipple tape off like in that scene in Gummo, with Chloe. 

You better sponge wash that stuffed animal, freaky.


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## gypsy (Jun 25, 2006)

Carrie said:


> Hee! Have you ever seen this site, gyp?
> 
> http://www.tshirtsthatsuck.com/



OOOOO!!! I have a feeling that I need more T-shirts for work.  

My current favourite is the one my boss gave me, which says:

"When I snap, you'll be the first on my list"


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## gypsy (Jun 25, 2006)

Mini said:


> I'm fit and I'm not (totally) gay. STEREOTYPER!!!



I think you need to show everyone, especially Ms. Carrie, a picture of yourself recreating the car wash scene. Really. Truly.


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

Jack Skellington said:


> Nothing cheers people up like Shatner's honey scented flatulence.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LAA9SK2sM4


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

Shikamaru said:


> umm... Bruce sound clips to cheer you up?
> http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/boomstic.wav
> http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/smart.wav
> http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/klaatu.wav
> http://home.swipnet.se/~w-12947/Sound/pillow.wav



These made me happy. Thank you.


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

Michelle said:


> Okay, here are two things that always make me laugh.
> 
> One of the cutest commercials I've seen:
> http://home.comcast.net/~michelllle/BudParrots.wmv



Hah! Waaaaasuuuup! 



Michelle said:


> My bird Nigel eating "light" (the inspiration for my Dear Anta eating light post):
> http://home.comcast.net/~michelllle/nigel.avi
> 
> Obviously, you're a cutie, or I wouldn't have taken the time to upload and link to these, so there!!!!



Thank you, Michelle! Nigel is such a cutie. :smitten:


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

ThatFatGirl said:


> Carrie, I hope today brings a little lightening of your heart and spirits.. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. You are a most remarkable, lovely girl and seeing a thread like this and makes me want to send the biggest of hugs your way and bludgeon anyone or anything that dims your spirit in any way.
> 
> To brighter days...
> 
> This still makes me laugh out loud.. hope our girl Natalie cheers you a little too: http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml



Aww, Laura. :wubu: Thank you for your lovely words. 

(And for the Natalie clip, which made me laugh my ass off.)


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## Carrie (Jun 25, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Meet Gorgeous George. I would feel sorry for this dude if he weren't such a damned idiot/jerk. The great thing about this show, as you can see from the "best-of" video above, is the people who call in to this live show, which apparently does not screen its calls. Gorgeous George is, shall we say, a little delusional, and a small group of local telephone thugs is determined to bring him down to earth. The unending barrage of prank phone calls (of which the above video shows only a fraction) is the most unbelievably hilarious thing I've seen in a long time.



What a jackass.


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## Mini (Jun 25, 2006)

gypsy said:


> I think you need to show everyone, especially Ms. Carrie, a picture of yourself recreating the car wash scene. Really. Truly.



No one needs to see that.


----------



## Esme (Jun 25, 2006)

Mini said:


> No one needs to see that.




I think we should be the judges of that!


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## exile in thighville (Jun 26, 2006)

Jes said:


> I....I.....
> 
> 
> *thud*
> ...



fuck. i never got to see gummo. my ex owned it and i never watched it. after she left me for a film buff i kind of lost interest in obscure cinema out of spite.


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