# Why the Fat Lady Sings



## superodalisque (Jan 6, 2010)

what was the last straw in your last relationship? what made the love die?


for me it was an age difference--20 yrs. i kept continually worrying about my SO missing out, especially since i am NOT looking for just another bf. i'm getting toward the end of my ability to have children etc... so the guilt about him missing out on certain things i'm sure he would be good at and would fulfill him as a person was just too much. the person i'm interested in now is much closer to my age. i'm only 5 years older. i feel much more comfortable that we have the same goals and that he fully understands all of the issues that could be on the table. sometimes i wasn't sure my last SO really quite understood what he would be stepping away from. the last straw for me wasn't any incident in particular just an overall feeling that something was not right.


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## littlefairywren (Jan 6, 2010)

I will never forget this day. 

I was always on the bottom rung of my ex-husbands ladder of importance. He had spent 7 weekends in a row with his friends, out drinking and clubbing...getting in in the wee hrs or just not coming home at all. But he finally agreed to give me one weekend and I was so excited. Anyways, weekend rolls around and he sleeps till 1pm on the Saturday (day lost) and tells me "we will go for a drive into the mountains tomorrow". Ok, I say...because stupid Kimberly does not want to rock his boat. Sunday dawns and my beloved says, "I am meeting up with Gerald to go and buy some CD's". 

I count to 10 very slowly, and ask why....beloved says to me "why are you so selfish, I have never met anyone so selfish"!

I stopped loving him right there and then. Why this was the last straw, I will never know but it was like a light went off in my head. Of course, it only took me 18 yrs to finally realise that he was a complete tool!


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## comaseason (Jan 6, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> what was the last straw in your last relationship? what made the love die?
> 
> 
> for me it was an age difference--20 yrs. i kept continually worrying about my SO missing out, especially since i am NOT looking for just another bf. i'm getting toward the end of my ability to have children etc... so the guilt about him missing out on certain things i'm sure he would be good at and would fulfill him as a person was just too much. the person i'm interested in now is much closer to my age. i'm only 5 years older. i feel much more comfortable that we have the same goals and that he fully understands all of the issues that could be on the table. sometimes i wasn't sure my last SO really quite understood what he would be stepping away from. the last straw for me wasn't any incident in particular just an overall feeling that something was not right.



This was so odd for me reading this SuperO because my story is the exact opposite. So I giggled a bit, what are the odds, eh? 

I was seeing an older man, a much, much older man. He was obsessed with the age difference, I didn't really care about it at all. It was all he ever talked about, he constantly second guessed my decisions and my feelings for him. That in conjunction with the fact that he was an extremely private person and didn't want anyone to know we were together among our circle of friends - and I just couldn't take it. I thought as time went on he would become more comfortable with me and relax a bit, but it only got worse. I realized at the time and more so in retrospect how guilty he felt "depriving me" of what he deemed to be important experiences. But it was his problem not mine, and he always made it out like it was me that just wasn't "seeing" how right he was and that I'd thank him for being more cautious. I never appreciated that, and still don't to this day.

I can totally respect someone for deciding that a large age difference isn't right for them. I just wish he would have handled it...well, more maturely.

The last straw for me was when he accused me of being overly demonstrative at a social function. I told him I didn't like the secrecy. He told me he suspected I would eventually want children even though we had many conversations at length about my dislike of children and how I didn't want any. His presumption that he would know exactly what was going on with me just because he was older sent me through the roof. I broke it off that night.


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## luv4biggurls (Jan 10, 2010)

Lack of any kind of concern for my happiness in all aspects of our relationship...It was all about her and her needs. We need to coexist in a relationships with geniune concern for each other happiness and well being. But be together,yet be individuls and like the differences. I guess I desire somethng that doesn't exist...I'm a ghost in this modern word. Doom never to date or marry again.


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## indy500tchr (Jan 10, 2010)

One would think I would have learned the first time but my last two relationships ended for the same reasons. There was no intimacy or physical aspect. I felt like I was in a friendship instead of a relationship. 

I was afraid to kiss or start anything romantic for fear of getting turned down while I was turned on but sometimes I had to try b/c I thought maybe it would be different....but it wasn't. You shouldn't have to feel scared or belittled to want to be with your man romantically. They always gave me the same excuse, it's not you it's me. I knew this to be a lie b/c they NEVER had a problem with any of their past girlfriends because they told me so.

Luckily I was smarter with the second one and broke it off right away...the first well... we are still very good friends and I still love him but he's like the annoying little brother I never wanted...LOL


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## spiritangel (Mar 6, 2010)

tipping point in the relationship pre the one I have just come out of was my 30th birthday was approaching, it was emotionally abusive, I had been sleepwalking through life, and the only reason I stayed was I had no where else to go, my family who I love think any guy who dates me is a saint and as long as they arnt beating the crap out of me then I am being treated well, hmmm if only they knew what I did lol

It was killing me my health still hasnt fully recovered and I sincerely doubt I would be here now had we stayed together, he was a closet feeder (I dont even think he realises he is but he still trys to buy my sister junk food all the time when she sees him they are friends)

So I pushed and told him it was over and he had to make up his mind once and for all if he wanted the relationship or not and if he did he had to work for it, well a few nights after that I made him make a decision (not for me forhim pre us living together it had been very on again off again) and that was that he is a great friend but not good relationship material, and I only see him once in a blue moon when he is visiting my sister

The current ex, I pushed to make a decision, the sex was pretty much gone, I was always his last priority, I mean I got to see him once every three weeks and that was about it, he never bothered to get a bigger bed just his crappy single one so that I couldnt really go stay with him, he threw tantrums like a child after he would do something nice wich totally ruined the nice thing he did or was doing, we were more friends, and even after we split I thought I was still in love with him, till I found something of his here, called him and he was so rude, and the attitude was I thought you would keep it or sell it on ebay, now I have never ever done that to him with any of his possessions and I saw red, I mean I am not an angry person by nature but I was shaking, and absolutely gutted that he thought so little of me, I told him to f... off and hung up the phone, a couple of text messages back and forth, and I was like thats it I dont need you as a friend even, told him I would never be contacting him again. I got a text message the next day with a "sorry I am not brimming over with grattitude at you finding something that was mine, and offering to return it to me" and that killed anything else I felt for him all the ties that bind were gone in the wash of the anger, I dont hate him, hope he has a good life ect I just dont wish to be a part of it

pre the full break up, he trashed my room on christmas eve(looking for said item told him it definately wasnt in my room but he diddnt believe me and it wasnt was behind a desk), after deciding two nights before chrissy eve day (wich he had off ) that he wasnt going to be here and as usuall screwing up the plans of things that we had to get done ect ie I had to do it all by myself, I was still upset about that then he lied and said I will be there by xx time so we can go to town and do what you need to get done, we ell he diddnt leave his place till that time, so I had to get changed and grab a taxi and get into town asap to get some engraving on my sister and her boyfriends pressents with like 20mins before the shop I needed shut, I was already in full baking, wrapping pressies ect mode so it was an added inconvenience, I dumped him that night, actually his anger was soooo violent that night (not in a physical at me kind hed never hit me) and I just cannot handle being around that kind of energy I actually left my house, and went and sat at the oval down the road. My Sister came and got me, he left but came back not until my sister left though and said he diddnt want to break up, what he meant was I dont want to be dumped on chrissy eve and I want to be the one to dump you, oh and until I pushed pre the last time he was here the dropping off of stuff he was going to come for one last visit, sex, dates ect then end it and I wouldnt let that happen, because that is far worse, and ending is an ending it is always painful when someone has been a part of your life for a long period, mind you he did pick his time well, my uncle overdosed nye, and was in critical condition and I had found out about a week before he dumped me my dad has prostate cancer, although my uncle is now home and my dad is doing well

these were all tipping points but I still think the biggest was that last conversation it showed how little respect or trust he had in me and who needs friends let alone boyfriends like that? and it allowed me to move forward and heal, he is the past, the pressent is a more creative happy confident me who is regaining my inner light, and he well he will always be who he is ................................


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## DeniseW (Mar 6, 2010)

my last boyfriend(before my husband) was 20 years older than me and after awhile, it felt like I was dating my father. I googled his name recently and found his obituary, it made me a little sad, he wasn't a bad man, just set in his ways....


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## LisaInNC (Apr 27, 2010)

My last relationship ended when he and I went on a road trip together. Before the road trip he told me I wasn't allowed to wear my stinky body spray (calgon Hawaiian ginger), nor was I allowed to bring my gum (trident tropical twist). Well that was just the beginning. The absolute final straw was when we were in Wisconsin and he rented a hotel room with one bed and a pullout couch. Then asked me what I planned to do about my "problem" of kicking when I sleep. I asked him how was I gonna fix a problem that I wasnt consciously doing. He told me I was inconsiderate. We ended up in a huge fight because he didnt want me to sleep in the bed with him. He made me sleep on the pullout couch. He also told me I was the dumbest girl on the planet because I didnt care to learn any of the useless trivia he had stored up in his brain. Then in the middle of the night he told me he was sorry and acted like everything was ok. By the time I got home, I was so over him. He were still technically a couple for a few more weeks, but then he made a fake name and came into chat and asked me out on a date. I knew it was him because a) no one ever hits on me in chat cause I am an evil bitch and b) he claimed to be from like DC and always drove to GA to see his family but didnt know that Charlotte wasnt anywhere near 95 . So anyway, I said yes to the date because I knew it was him and I was way over it. He never called me again


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## CastingPearls (Apr 27, 2010)

It happened on Sunday, my birthday. Just like me to go out with a bang.
As boxes and boxes of slot machine parts arrive at our house daily he went out and bought me a fucking whirlygig, knowing how shitty my family made me feel already. And he cancelled my long anticipated dinner reservations. 

~~~In general the more it feels like you are flying beyond him, the more hed retreat to his comfort zone where he does feel competent, rather than stumble more and more trying to keep up with you~~~ This wisdom coming from a new friend made me cry because it hit the nail on the head. 

Once a week I visit my family an hour west. I prefer he not come with me and this usually works out well because I go on Fridays while he's working, but I went Saturday due to an unavoidable appt on Friday. It was also an opportunity to see Old Flame who if anything provides comic relief (not to mention a very appreciated leer or two.) Spouse decides that he will join up with me later using the excuse to run inteference btw my father (as he's getting older he's indulging in elder-cantankerous rants and conspiracy theories) and I. While I see it as putting up with only one day of Dad being Dad, Spouse likes to think he's 'rescuing' me. Which is bullshit since I arrive there at noon and he waltzed in at 7PM. By that time the old man is on his third nap. So much for interference. But I digress.

When we left to go home he was ahead of me because his car was the last one in the driveway. I followed for a while but he was driving so slow that I got bored and went around traffic and flew past him. Driving at a speed I'm comfortable with I was enjoying my music and the ride and was far ahead of traffic at that point. Until he pulled up behind me and followed me almost the rest of the way home. He takes strange little detours to avoid lefts at stop signs (while I relish those as risks I'm willing to take) and fell behind me again. I was home for 10 minutes before he walked in complaining that I took off on him.

I thought about this..that's always what happens when we're both on the road, but it's also an analogy of our life together.

I'm going to ask him for a divorce either in the fall or at the end of the year. I need this time to process and let it be as painless as possible because I want to remain friends with him. I see now that it was I who changed and he's just been reacting. This hasn't been fair to him. He will never change, is incapable of being the person I know I need. Our marriage is not a failure. It's just run its course.

I'm not going to chase my old flame. I will never be first in his life. I want the best and won't settle. If I chased hard enough I would get him temporarily but it would end very badly. I love him to much for him to be consumed with guilt. I love him enough to let him go. I won't break up his marriage. His wife is a good person and a good wife. She doesn't deserve this.

I don't know how I'm going to find the resources or where I'm going to go. The house will have to be sold. Debts will have to be settled. I have to start this process and the sooner the better because I need to heal and move on.


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## Tau (Apr 28, 2010)

This thread is deep  Casting Pearls I hope this all ends happily for you - this cannot be easy *hugz*


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## littlefairywren (Apr 28, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> It happened on Sunday, my birthday. Just like me to go out with a bang.
> As boxes and boxes of slot machine parts arrive at our house daily he went out and bought me a fucking whirlygig, knowing how shitty my family made me feel already. And he cancelled my long anticipated dinner reservations.
> 
> ~~~In general the more it feels like you are flying beyond him, the more hed retreat to his comfort zone where he does feel competent, rather than stumble more and more trying to keep up with you~~~ This wisdom coming from a new friend made me cry because it hit the nail on the head.
> ...



I wish you the very best of luck Elaine. I have been through it, and come out at the end ok I think. Warm ((((hugs)))), and a shoulder if ever you need one.


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## jdsumm (Apr 28, 2010)

Sending hugs and prayers for you Casting Pearls.


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## spiritangel (Apr 28, 2010)

Big Squishy Hugs CP you will be shocked at the tail end how much different you will feel, just keep remembering how wonderful and amazing you are!


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## TraciJo67 (May 5, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I'm going to ask him for a divorce either in the fall or at the end of the year. I need this time to process and let it be as painless as possible because I want to remain friends with him. I see now that it was I who changed and he's just been reacting. This hasn't been fair to him. He will never change, is incapable of being the person I know I need. Our marriage is not a failure. It's just run its course.


 
CastingPearls, I read your contribution and it struck me that while you're clearly growing away from your husband, it has to be a painful kind of recognition anyway. I wish you the best with whatever happens.

My husband seldom reads what I contribute online, although he knows about Dimensions and my Facebook groups (he's just not interested, and that's OK with me). Still, I am usually careful about what I write ... sometimes not careful enough, when I go back sometimes and re-read what I've written -- in retrospect, I think sometimes that a remark I meant as humorous or just off-the-cuff would embarrass him. 

I have to wonder how your husband would feel if he read this. You're sharing an intent to divorce him with an online community, months before you plan on announcing this to him. How do you think he'd react, if he saw this?


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## CastingPearls (May 5, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> CastingPearls, I read your contribution and it struck me that while you're clearly growing away from your husband, it has to be a painful kind of recognition anyway. I wish you the best with whatever happens.
> 
> My husband seldom reads what I contribute online, although he knows about Dimensions and my Facebook groups (he's just not interested, and that's OK with me). Still, I am usually careful about what I write ... sometimes not careful enough, when I go back sometimes and re-read what I've written -- in retrospect, I think sometimes that a remark I meant as humorous or just off-the-cuff would embarrass him.
> 
> I have to wonder how your husband would feel if he read this. You're sharing an intent to divorce him with an online community, months before you plan on announcing this to him. How do you think he'd react, if he saw this?


We've talked about it. He would not be surprised.


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