# Ask Aris... The Dear Abby of Dims...



## lipmixgirl (Mar 25, 2008)

i had this wacky idea... 

wouldn't it be great to have my own advice column?!?!?!?

genarose54 suggested that i become a fat life coach... 

so here's the deal - let's see if it works... 

is there anyone out there that needs advice from a seasoned mediator and diversity specialist?!?!?

if so, send me a PM with ANY quandry, issue, question and i will answer that question anonymously with a professional answer - to be posted publicly on this thread.
(all submissions will be held in the strictest confidence!)

the sky is the limit!

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:
​


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 25, 2008)

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 25, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?




lilly,

the aim of the thread is to explore questions in which the answers to aren't always so obvious.

you are both extremely rich and extremely beautiful. 

anyone who knows you like i do, would immediately concur...
 

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 25, 2008)

Dear Aris,

Ok, so there are TWO guys I really like. They are both young (one is 20 and the other is 23) and one of them lives FAR away.
The local one (the 23 year old) and I get along great and have a good time together...but my feelings for the one further away are WAY stronger.
What should I do? There is the possibility that the far away one will be coming here to CA for his externship...so a relationship in the future isn't completely ruled out.
I'm just VERY confused right now!  Help me?

Confused In Cali


Dear Confused in Cali,

In this case, I like to use what I call "detangling the issues". We have 2 separate relationships and that is exactly how we are going to treat them. 

First I'd like to focus on a tangible relationship as opposed to an intangible relationship. While we here on the Dim Board have seen fairytale romances come true, the reality is that those relationships are rare gems. Generally, what I hear of ends - more often than not - in failure. I believe that this is because many relationships that develop and blossom - via the magic of the internet - are _virtual_ - not _real_. 

While there is the stance that a virtual relationship can be just as real as a real life romance, what the virtual relationship lacks it the most important ingredient to the relationship - which is real life. A real life relationship is 3-dimensional, whilst a virtual relationship is 2-dimensional. What is lacking is real social interaction. 

Within the confines of any virtual relationship, it becomes much easier to mold and shape a relationship and even a person to what you desire. When communicating via phone and computer, after those long conversations, chats and emails, you eventually hang up and go back to your real life. You are then left with your thoughts and dreams.

As to the guys:

The Local Guy: He is, well, local. He is tangible. As you have said, you get along great. If you are going out and having a good time and enjoying one another's company - that is terrific. As long as there is open communication and you both know where each other stands with your relationship, then there should not be a problem.

The Virtual Guy: The word "if" is the biggest word in the English language. He might come to CA, he might not. There is no certainty. 

If you feel committed to waiting for a relationship that is a possibility, chances are you may be letting your both your love-life and your life pass you by.

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 26, 2008)

Dear Aris

You are a rare gem of amazing knowledge. I think I already knew the answer in my head and heart, but you helped clarify it. Thank you! :wubu:

No Longer Confused In Cali


No, Cali - THANK YOU!


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## butch (Mar 26, 2008)

Good advice there, Dear Aris! I look forward to future installments. I'd consult you myself, but I already have a fat life coach (or three, to be exact), a therapist, and a stuffed teddy bear to help me with my life issues.


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 26, 2008)

Dear Aris,

Everyone talks about having confidence...but how do you get it? I look at things I want to do in my life, know I must do, but I truly believe I will fail, or that I cannot do them. How do I have faith in myself, when I'm convinced that I'm no good?

Signed,

clueless


Dear clueless,

According to Dictionary.com:

_What is confidence? _
It is full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing. 
_What is faith? _
 Confidence or trust in a person or thing.

_What is trust?
_Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing.

_ What is failure?_
An act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success.
 _
What is fear?_
A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

What is care?
 A state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern.


Where does one get confidence? Confidence comes from within one's own self. Confidence is a mindset. It is a belief. When you say you feel as if you are "no good", what I think that you may mean is that you are simply afraid. 

What I recommend is that you try abandoning the fear. How do you really know that you are going to fail? 

The mind is a very complex machine. 

In our relationships with our family and friends in our microcosms and society on our macrocosms, we are inundated with messages and ideas. We are conditioned to behave and believe in certain ways. 

For a micro example, if it is the case that you grew up in an environment where you were constantly told that you would or could never succeed, chances are you have become an adult that plays that recording over and over in your brain reaffirming what was learned so long ago. The belief that you should not TRUST yourself or your capabilities.

For a macro example, look at the media for images of beauty. The unspoken and spoken messages that are drilled into us every day - consciously and unconsciously. 

What a confidence level boils down to is a combination of faith, trust, care, and fear. If we FEAR that we will fail - in general - it is not the failure that is the big disappointment, it is the anticipation of how we will be judged by those around us. 

People CARE deeply about how they are perceived. When you make decisions about what you want and/or need to do in your life to make a positive change, TRUST yourself. Consciously tell yourself you are good enough, smart enough, and you can do what you put your mind to. Have a conversation with yourself in the mirror, because when you are forced to see and confront yourself, it becomes much easier to see the rational and the irrational. Have FAITH in yourself.

In a nutshell - How do you have faith in yourself when you are convinced that you are no good? 

1. Let the FEAR go.
2. TRUST yourself and your decisions.
3. Have FAITH in your abilities - believe in yourself.
4. CARE only about what you think, not what everyone else thinks.


the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 27, 2008)

Dear Aris,

Shyness has been an issue for me all of my life. I've missed countless opportunities to meet and get close to many wonderful people over the years because of it. I tend to beat myself up with negative thoughts and have a hard time carrying on conversations. I think I might appear stand-offish, when in reality I'm longing for someone to reach out to me.

I have the opportunity this weekend to meet in person a lot of people I've silently admired for years over the internet. How do I put my shyness aside and make the most of this weekend? 

Thank you,
So Shy I Could Cry


Dear So Shy,

The issue here is a case of nature versus nuture. It is my belief that personality is an innate biologically hard-wired trait. You were born this way. Everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum of introversion and extroversion. It just so happens that your brand of introversion is much more polarized than the average person. 
Managing and/or overcoming shyness takes much work. Unfortunately, there is no "overnight solution." There are steps that you, as a shy person, can take in the long-term to modify your feelings and social behavior. It is terrific that you are able to identify social situations from your past that you wish not to repeat. You must use these past social experiences to:

-recognize what didn't work for you.
-recognize what you would like to change in future social interactions.
-create and apply a behavior modification plan for these social 
interactions (make a list!)

It is imperative that with your upcoming event that you do not put oodles of pressure on yourself, as that may create further feelings of shyness and introversion. Set realistic social goals for yourself. You, and only you, know where your social comfort zone is currently and what you would need to do to push your own boundaries. Changing your social behavior will take time and commitment - or as I like to call it - Baby Steps.

What I am going to recommend to you for this upcoming social opportunity is:

- DO NOT set unrealistic social goals. As this may only lead to your 
"beating [yourself] up with negative thoughts"

- CONSCIOUSLY RELAX. When at your event, take a deep breath and tell
yourself to relax.

- If you are going to this event with someone or know people attending, 
enlist their help to reach out and socialize with other people. i.e. If they are 
more comfortable talking to new people, have them begin a 
conversation that you join. 

- When you join a conversation, have at least 2 or 3 general things 
pre-planned to say relating to your function- i.e. "so, what do/did you 
think of lunch?"

-Make a list of 2 or 3 people that you would like to say hello to. Once 
you have reached your goal of 2 or 3 new people, reassess how you are
feeling and ask yourself if you feel it is possible to say hello to others.

-If you are so moved, share with people that you are _shy_. While it may 
be uncomfortable to do so, people will understand why you may come 
across as "stand-offish" and realize that they are seeing _shyness_ - not 
_rudeness_.

-Before your event, look in the mirror and tell yourself - out loud - that you are 
going to make the most of this opportunity and there will be NO REGRETS!


Let me know how it goes! I will be interested to hear how well you do!


the big apple has spoken,,,
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 27, 2008)

Aris,

I really appreciate the thoughtful reply and suggestions to my question! Genarose called it. You are good at this stuff. There was so much there in your response for me to think about. 

With gratitude (and a hug) for your kindness,
So Shy

You are most welcome!!!!! :bow:


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## Mathias (Mar 27, 2008)

Dear Aris,

I'm not really sure how to put this into words but here goes:

I had had an aid for 12 yerars all throughout school. When I became a senior, I no longer felt that I needed and aid. My parents also agreed with me on this. The thing was that, because of several threats against my schoo lthat year, the district felt that I still needed to have an aid for safety reasons. When I got into college, I finally had gotten the independence that I wanted and I enjoyed it- a little too much. I had gotten caught up in meeting and hanging out with new friends. Because of that I failed a course my first semester. This semester my family is really on my case this time- and understandably so. But their pressure for me to succeed is having a negative effect on me. I don't like to go home because of it as they'll always lecture me on things that I already know I need to do. I tell them that I want to do things my way, but they say things like "You did it your way 1st semester and look what happened!" THEY wern't the ones who had an aid basically holding their hand all throughout their school carrer. My family knows what it's like to have complete independence. It's sort of a new thing to me. I'll admit, I shouldn't have gottten caught up in foolish distractions, but how did they think I would react for my being completley on my own for the first time? They expect me to study every waking hour of the day, I mean they yelled at me for skipping a class to go see a friend of mine perform in a talent show, and yelled at me for going to a party for a half hour on the night before a quiz. I don't know what to do anymore. My family is almost smothering me. 

Signed,

-Matt


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 1, 2008)

Dear Aris,

My boyfriend of over a year told me recently that before we were together he used to go and see a professional dominatrix. I knew he was submissive, but I never really knew he would pay a woman to dominate him. He told me he had gone over 15 times. He said nothing sexual ever happened (no penetration anyway) but I know he has had a golden shower at least once. I am put off by this news mainly because when I met him he said he was a virgin, and had never even kissed a girl. When we first got together I could tell he was inexperienced. When he first held my hand he was so nervous he was shaking. However, now knowing that he had seen professional dommes over 15 times, makes me feel like I was deceived, because he isn't as innocent as he led me to believe. I have no problem assuming those roles for him. I love it. But I am constantly afraid I am being compared to the professionals even though he says he doesn't do that.

He has told me he has given it up. He hasn't seen a domme in almost two years, and hasn't been on a bdsm or a domme site in over a year. I don't think he is cheating on me. I just can't get over the fact that the inexperienced man I thought he was turned out to be someone who would pay for domination. Am I overreacting? Help!

Signed,
Not A Professional in CA

Dear Not A Pro,

You are overreacting - period. This is another situation where we need to tease out the issues. What we have going on is the following:

1. Your boyfriend patronized dungeons to satisfy his desires as a submissive PRIOR to your relationship.

2. Your boyfriend shared with you that he was very sexually inexperienced prior to your relationship. He disclosed that he was in fact a virgin. Through your romantic interaction, you have concurred that he was being truthful with you.

3. You feel deceived regarding his patronizing a pro. 

4. You are comparing your domination abilities to a professional.

5. You have expressed that you feel that your boyfriend is not lying to you, nor do you feel that he is cheating on you.

What the underlying issue is here is NOT the fact that your boyfriend patronized dommes before you two got together. The underlying issue is your _insecurity_. 

Could the real question that is eating away at you be: How can I possibly measure up to a professional?!!??! 

If we take this situation and place it into other circumstances - for example - I am a gourmet baker and I love to bake for my boyfriend, recently my boyfriend, who is such a fan of gourmet baking, told me he used to buy gourmet baked goods all the time before we met one another. I had no idea this ever happened. Now I feel as though how could my desserts possibly compete with those of a professional baker?!?!!? He says that he hasn't purchased baked goods in over a year and I believe him. He says he loves my baking, but how could I possibly compete with a professional baker?!?!

While paralleling the situation to baked goods may seem absurd, absurdity is the feel I was going for. 

The facts are the following:
1. You believe your boyfriend was a virgin prior to your relationship.
2. Your boyfriend paid for domination - NOT SEX - but domination.
3. Lack of sexual experience and "innocence" are not the same thing
4.You doubt your level of domme ability.
5. The Dungeon visits happened BEFORE YOU GOT TOGETHER.

My recommendation is that you look into attending lectures and/or taking classes to better your dominatrix skill. Why not become a pro domme for yourself??? If Dom/Sub play is a big part of your sexual relationship, why not improve on the skill you already have? 

As I always say, you can NEVER have enough knowledge. Since you love dom/sub play, take a class! Why the heck not!?!!?!!? 

I have included a link to a potential resource which may help you find classes and lectures near you.

http://darkheart.com/usalist.html#California

Let me know how things turn out!

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 2, 2008)

hey aris, this is quite a serious one!

my husband is a cross dresser. i have known from the beginning and fully support him, even to the extent of shopping for him, doing his hair and make up etc.

the thing is i cannot stop myself from worrying if it is something more. does he want to be a girl? does he want to live as a girl? is he gay? i ask him the same questions day in day out and he assures me NO NO NO he just likes girlie clothes and make up.

how will i ever be able to believe this in my head? how will i ever be able to stop asking him questions? he has never lied to me or hurt me in any way, he is a wonderful man so i have no reason to distrust him. i just have a massive fear of him or me living a lie.


help! help me find a way of just relaxing!


Dear Serious One,

First what I want to do is give a basic break down of the differences between biological sex, sexuality, gender, transgender, and kink. 

Biological Sex: The physical sex characteristics a person is born with indicated by chromosomes XX for female and XY for male.

Sexuality: Sexuality is not about who you sleep with, it is about who you are emotionally attracted to. Essentially, partner sex (sex involving 2 or more people) can be just that - sex - and is not indicative of sexuality.

Gender: In western society we are very insistent on 2 gender variants ONLY. Either male or female. Genderization begins in-utero. Expectant parents can choose whether or not to know the sex of their child. They also begin to shape the gender identity of their child by choosing colors (most popular colors being pink or blue) for clothing, room decor, etc., as well as choosing a masculine or feminine names, and even gender specific toys. 

Transgender: While this is a very generalized explanation, a person who identifies as transgender finds that their biological sex does not match their mental sex or their body does not match their brain. For the transgendered person, sexual reassignment surgery and hormone therapy are the approaches used to align the transgendered person's body and mind to bring about biological sex and gender balance. 

Kink: What is kink? Kink is unconventional sexual preferences or behaviors.

What you have shared with me is that not only is your husband is a "wonderful man", but you TRUST him. He has never lied to you or hurt you. So the real question is why would he begin now and in this manner?

You have asked him over and over again in so many words:

"Do you feel like you are in the WRONG body?"
"Do you want to LIVE as the opposite gender?"
"Are you sexually/emotionally attracted to men?"
​As you have stated he keeps telling you "*NO*".

What it sounds like to me is that your hubby is just a seriously kinky man. Just like some guys love to see a woman in panties, garters and high heels and it is a real turn-on, your husband wants to WEAR those panties, garters, and heels right along with you and it is a real turn-on! 

What I think is really terrific about your relationship with your husband is that you are so supportive. I wonder if he knows how lucky he is?!??!! Remember, the basis of any real loving relationship is rooted in friendship and trust. 

So, how do you relax and believe this? Reach down deep inside yourself and ask, do you really - in your heart of hearts - feel both you and he are living a lie? There _is_ definitely something nagging at your core. I recommend that you sit down and really think about where this fear is coming from and is it really rational.

Let me know what happens!!!!!

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:
​


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## Violet_Beauregard (Apr 2, 2008)

This is the BEST thread EVER! I love the advice... Aris... you rock!!


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## NancyGirl74 (Apr 3, 2008)

Wonderful advise, Mother A. I look forward to reading and learning more. Matt's letter reminds me a bit of me in my younger years. I'm curious to see how you respond. :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 3, 2008)

Dear Aris,

I'm not really sure how to put this into words but here goes:

I had had an aid for 12 years all throughout school. When I became a senior, I no longer felt that I needed and aid. My parents also agreed with me on this. The thing was that, because of several threats against my school that year, the district felt that I still needed to have an aid for safety reasons. When I got into college, I finally had gotten the independence that I wanted and I enjoyed it- a little too much. I had gotten caught up in meeting and hanging out with new friends. Because of that I failed a course my first semester. This semester my family is really on my case this time- and understandably so. But their pressure for me to succeed is having a negative effect on me. I don't like to go home because of it as they'll always lecture me on things that I already know I need to do. I tell them that I want to do things my way, but they say things like "You did it your way 1st semester and look what happened!" THEY weren't the ones who had an aid basically holding their hand all throughout their school career. My family knows what it's like to have complete independence. It's sort of a new thing to me. I'll admit, I shouldn't have gotten caught up in foolish distractions, but how did they think I would react for my being completely on my own for the first time? They expect me to study every waking hour of the day, I mean they yelled at me for skipping a class to go see a friend of mine perform in a talent show, and yelled at me for going to a party for a half hour on the night before a quiz. I don't know what to do anymore. My family is almost smothering me. 

Signed,

-Matt


Dear Matt,

This question, like others, has many components. The issues we are dealing with are the following:

1. Your academic history of having an aid with you throughout your entire primary and secondary education.

2. Entering college and taking classes without the assistance of an aid.

3. Growing up.

I believe the real issue here is not about your having academic accommodation or the assistance of an aid throughout the first 12 years of your educational career, but the fact that you have officially entered the adult world. 

Your story is not unique to you - in fact, it is not the exception - it is the RULE! *All* college freshmen go through some adaptation to college life and adulthood. As a first quarter/semester college freshman, you are a fish in new waters! For the first time in your life you are the Master of Your Domain! Just like when you were little and you learned to ride a bike, you are now experiencing the same phenomena. Only this time what you - personally - are learning is time management and full personal responsibility. There is no one to wake you up in the morning and tell you it's time to go to class. There is no one looking over your shoulder after dinner to make certain that your homework is done. There is no one telling you that you MUST BE HOME no later than 10:00pm on a school night or else you will be grounded. 

What you are learning is that in the adult world there are _actions and consequences_. If you make the CHOICE to blow off studying to hang out and you have a test the next day, then that is YOUR CHOICE, but understand that with that action comes a consequence (i.e. potentially blowing your test) 

What I really find telling about your level of maturity is that you freely admit that you screwed up. You are mature enough to say - "I made choices. They weren't the right ones. I have learned my lesson. I will not allow this to happen again". 

As for your family, while you feel they are smothering you - and I do not discount that they are smothering you, they are doing what they think is in your best interest. Remember, you have just officially left childhood and they love you. They love you so much that they do not want anything but the best for you. I am certain that they have told you that they are trying to help you. Right now, members of your family are reminiscing back to when they were young and the mistakes they made. They have "lived your life" and of course believe that they know best. Also, what is very concerning in this day and age is the sheer cost of higher education. Failing courses in college costs serious money. 

In a nutshell:
1. You are finding yourself and learning how to become a full fledged adult.
2. You are making mistakes along the way. Please note that making mistakes is how we learn. If we were perfect, we would not be human.
3. You have the ability and maturity to recognize when you err, admit such, and create a new plan so that you do not make the same mistake twice.


As for handling your family, sit them down and tell them - calmly and patiently (because being hot tempered or bad natured will NOT help you) - you are growing up. You are at a point where you feel that you CAN do this on your own. You need time and space to figure out how to be an adult and a college student. This process generally takes a full year. 


It may help also if you are the one paying for your education. Because it is one thing if you are wasting your money when you failed that class, but if it is their money, then you are on their dime and they are technically your "employer." If they are paying the bills, then they do have a right to advice you on how you should be spending their money. 

If it is the case that they will not let up on you, then you may seriously need to consider limiting your contact with them until you are able to prove yourself as a successful college student and adult. Make choices and decisions that are conducive to good mental health and well being and personal success.


Finally, know that there is _no fault_ or _blame_ - only _personal responsibility._


Welcome to adulthood! 

Let me know how it goes!

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## Mathias (Apr 3, 2008)

Thank you Aris!  Your response made my day.


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## bexy (Apr 3, 2008)

*aris your answers to problems are so well researched, thought out and well written!!! you should be getting paid for this !*


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 3, 2008)

I just want to send out a *BIG FAT THANK YOU* to all of you who are sending in your questions, who are becoming devoted readers, and those who are publicly voicing their approval and serving up serious laudation. I never in a million years dreamed that this column/thread would be so successful!!!

Also, since I am such fan of rep - here is my shameless REP plug.

IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU ARE READING, CLICK THAT LITTLE REP SCALE AND SHOW ME YOUR LOVE!!!!


the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:
​


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## olwen (Apr 3, 2008)

Dear Aris, 

I thought of some additional advise for the cross dressing hubby, would you be offended if any of us jumps in with that sort of thing?

added: oh right, I was supposed to PM you. I forgot.


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## butch (Apr 3, 2008)

Hope I'm not stepping on your toes, Ask Aris, but I wanted to reiterate the point that most crossdressers are heterosexual. They may be part of the transgender spectrum, but the desire is purely sexual. The 'traditional' transgender person (what may be called in some places 'transsexual,' but that phrase is falling out of favor) is not motivated because of a sexual turn on or proclivity, as you point out.

Many people find it odd that many folks who have sexual reassignment surgery also don't go through some sort of sexuality reassignment surgery. In other words, a man who becomes a woman is still attracted to women, or a woman who becomes a man stays married to her husband. Thats because we too often think sex and gender are a lot more intertwined than they are, and we also overlook the huge effect societal conditioning has on us as we learn to define both gender and sexuality.

There's a really interesting book called *Normal* by Amy Bloom, about transgenderism, and it is really an informative book. I'd recommend it highly.


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## olwen (Apr 3, 2008)

butch said:


> Hope I'm not stepping on your toes, Ask Aris, but I wanted to reiterate the point that most crossdressers are heterosexual. They may be part of the transgender spectrum, but the desire is purely sexual. The 'traditional' transgender person (what may be called in some places 'transsexual,' but that phrase is falling out of favor) is not motivated because of a sexual turn on or proclivity, as you point out.
> 
> Many people find it odd that many folks who have sexual reassignment surgery also don't go through some sort of sexuality reassignment surgery. In other words, a man who becomes a woman is still attracted to women, or a woman who becomes a man stays married to her husband. Thats because we too often think sex and gender are a lot more intertwined than they are, and we also overlook the huge effect societal conditioning has on us as we learn to define both gender and sexuality.
> 
> There's a really interesting book called *Normal* by Amy Bloom, about transgenderism, and it is really an informative book. I'd recommend it highly.



That's actually exactly what I was gonna say!!


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## butch (Apr 3, 2008)

olwen said:


> That's actually exactly what I was gonna say!!



Great minds think alike!


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## mariac1966 (Apr 3, 2008)

This is a wonderful thread/column, Aris  I have enjoyed reading your respsones to the questions and look foreward to reading more.....


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 4, 2008)

Dear Aris,
This weekend I am flying out to meet my best friend's family and friends from his hometown. I should also mention that we have an on again, off again romantic relationship and that I am in love with him. He has returned home for a few months and asked if I would come for a weekend while he was there. I am very nervous about this meeting and want to make a good impression to both his family and friends. Any advice on the weekend would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Nervous in Neverland


Dear Nervous,

What really strikes me here is not that you are meeting the family and friends, but the following:

1. You are in love with your best friend.
2. You have an "on again, off again romantic relationship".
3. From the way you have phrased the question, it doesn't seem like he 
is aware of your true feelings for him.

I will advise you that this weekend is not the time to let him know that you are in love with him, as you will be a guest in someone else's home. If the situation becomes dramatic or inflamed, then you have just introduced and invited a whole cast of characters to join your storyline. Might I add, you have flown there, so if there is a problem, you can't get in your car and drive home. The time to discuss your feelings is when you both are ALONE together without any external influence (i.e. the family and friends) in the town where YOU live. Personally, to err on the side of caution is better than to throw caution to the wind in this case. 

The easy answer to your question about making a good impression is to simply *be yourself*. If you try to be anybody but who you are, then you are in essence, misrepresenting yourself. What I recommend is that you relax, take a few deep breaths, and go with the flow. Often when a person tries to make a winning first impression, the result can be overkill. The last thing you want is for someone to say, "Wow, she really is TRYING so hard!" 

Basic _courtesy_ and _etiquette_ always come into play when making a first impression. Smile and be gracious. Be a great guest - (i.e. offer to help clear the dishes after dinner). As my grandmother always said, "you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar." 

I am anxious to hear how your weekend goes...


the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 6, 2008)

Dear Aris,

I'm so upset/scared right now, I could cry. In fact, I am a lil weepy.

Being a perfectionist drove me to attempt suicide twice last summer. After the second attempt, I finally got my life back on track. I transferred from an extremely prestigious school to a community college, where I got a 4.0 last semester. That GPA allowed me to apply to university, and I started there in January.

We are now 4 weeks away from finals and I am a mess. I feel like I slacked off a whole awful lot. I'm scared that I'm not going to know it all and will fail again. I'm going to let myself and my rather demanding parents down (again).

Immediately, I thought again of suicide. The thing is, in July I realized that I really didn't want to die. I still don't.

I just responded to a 30-something's personal ad for a live in girlfriend/ future wife, saying I was interested. That may be what it comes down to.

Please give me some advice,

Stressed, Scared, and Stupid



Dear Stressed,

After reading your question, what I am lead to wonder is if the root of your quest for perfection is really a manifestation of the ongoing demands of your parents. To demand perfection and not allow a person to err or make mistakes is a form of mental and emotional abuse. If you have been conditioned from childhood that mistakes, errors, or non-successes are unacceptable, then it is understandable why you had and acted on suicidal feelings in the past. It makes sense  if you are not perfect, cannot be perfect, and will never be perfect then what is the point in living? 

The problem with that train of thought is that it is completely irrational. I always say, it is amazing how the mind is able to twist and cajole the completely absurd into the completely rational. What is very encouraging is that you know that killing yourself will not solve your problems or anyone elses. You know that you want to live. Life is a beautiful and wonderful gift. It should always be lived to the fullest. 

As to the following:


You are NOT stupid - far from it.
When it comes to your finals  relax. Do not worry about the time that has passed, but concentrate on the time you have left to study. Do not focus on failure  focus on success.
The personal ad you answered. I am going out on a limb here and going to say that perhaps you are seeking a partner to love you  warts and all. Perhaps this search for a boyfriend may seem like a quick fix to help heal you? If this is the case, I recommend you rethink this.


Remember the only person that can love and respect you the way that you want to be loved and respected is yourself. If you do not love and respect yourself completely you will never be able to successfully command total love and respect from others. To be successful in any kind of relationship  romantic or otherwise  you must come to a place of comfort with yourself. The only thing you own and have control over in this life is you. *Also, if we were perfect, we wouldnt be human!*

I recommend that if you are not already seeking professional counseling, that you do so to really begin getting your life back on track. Working with a professional to help heal years of personal damage is the best course of action to _regain control of_ and achieve _balance in_ your life. 



Let me know how it goes!


the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 8, 2008)

Dear Aris:

My sister and I recently had a major falling out over money. I loaned her and her husband money for a down payment on their home two years ago. I told them they did not have to start paying the money back for two years, interest free because they were trying to get their feet back on the ground and get their family in order. 

Last year, I made a life changing decision to move from my home state closer to my sister. She offered to let me live with her "rent" free until I was able to get my feet on the ground and find a job/place to live because of the favor I had done for them by loaning them money. 

The job I found did not pay enough money for me to afford my own place without a roommate, so my sister told me I could continue staying with her "rent" free until I found a roommate or a different job. Two months after this conversation, she tells me that she's going to need rent money from me...confusing.
My sister informed me that she and her husband were struggling financially since I had moved in and they needed rent money from me. I agreed to pay them a set amount each month.

A month ago, my sister and I had an argument and not just any argument, a major one. She was upset with me because I had not cooked dinner for her or her family all week long. Mind you, I cooked dinner most nights each week, but this particular week I had been feeling under the weather. This argument, of course, led to other arguments and by the time we were done she had told me to pack my things and leave, and I did. I ended up moving in with a co-worker.

I have not spoken to my sister since the incident, however, I have spoken to my other siblings and parents. My mother informed me a couple nights ago she had heard from my sister and they had discussed the money I loaned out. My mother then informed me that my sister did not feel that she should be obligated to pay her back since I lived with her "virtually rent free." 

I'm not sure how I should approach the subject now, but I would like to somehow inform my sister that she does owe me the large sum of money...and that my whole three months of living with her "rent free" do not make up for the money she owes me. I don't know what to do.

Signed,
Hurt and Confused Sister in NC



Dear Hurt,

 Whenever you have a situation involving money there is always the possibility that a relationship may be negatively affected. I believe it is necessary to look at each issue independently to see the clearest picture. When we unravel the situation we have the following:

1. You loaned your sister and brother-in-law a sum of money - interest free &#8211; that was to begin being paid back to you two (2) years from the initial date of the loan.

If this agreement was made as-is without any other conditions attached to it, then your sister and brother-in-law accepted this contract (either verbal or written) with intent to repay monies lent.

2. When you made your “life-changing decision” to move closer to your sister, she offered for you to come live with her &#8211; free of charge &#8211; until you were financially stable enough to venture back out on your own. 

If your sister offered you this agreement to come and stay with her and did not advise you - up front - that there would be any extraneous conditions attached -such as offering you a place to stay as an alternative repayment plan &#8211; (housing as a form of loan repayment) or charging you rent &#8211; then there was no binding agreement (verbal or written) entered into when you accepted her generous offer of temporarily staying with them.

3. After several weeks of living with your sister she advised you that you were a financial burden, however, whilst living in the house, were contributing to the household with general household chores.

If your use of utilities (phone, cable, water, electric, etc) went above and beyond the average household use (i.e. ordering pay-per-view) then proper etiquette and courtesy would be to offer to pay for what you have used above and beyond the average bills. As for “pulling your weight” with pitching in and helping out with the running of the household, that &#8211; in of itself &#8211; is a form of sweat-equity &#8211; or unpaid labor.

4. Your sister now feels that she has “paid you back in full” by allowing you to have lived with her for a several months and therefore no longer owes you monies borrowed. If this was not the agreement 
(whether written or verbal) before you accepted her gracious offer to stay in her home, then she does indeed still owe you the money you lent her.


 If it is the case that you lent the money with no other conditions attached and your sister offered you a place to stay with no other conditions attached then your sister is GROSSLY in the wrong. Your lending the money to your sister for her house down payment and her offering you an interim place to stay would be two issues independent of one another. 

 As for the money that you lent your sister and brother-in-law, consider it gone. Your mother has shared with you the views of your sister. Your sister feels that she has more than paid you back, so much so, that you now owe her money. As for your relationship, what it appears to come down to is how you want things to be. Do you want to let bygones be bygones or has your relationship become so affected by this situation that you feel you must distance yourself indefinitely from your sister and her husband? Only you are the one who can answer this question.

 Let me know how things turn out…

the big apple has spoken…
::exeunt:::bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 9, 2008)

Dear Aris,

I have found myself in a strange sort of limbo lately. It seems that no matter what, I am behind in the attentions from men. My confidence is healthy, we seem to have a ton in common, but I suppose the ugly duckling doesn't always become a swan. My personal style always seems to leave me ignored by FAs and Skinny-followers alike. Basically I hate wearing make-up and dressy clothes. Is it really so bad to be casual and natural? I don't wear sweats around or anything, but my jeans and shirts aren't doing the job it seems. Do I need glamour shots or high heels to get attention online and in the real world? Is showing a lot of skin the only way to get a date? That healthy confidence is definitely taking a hit as of late. Maybe comfort has to lose out after all, but I'd always hoped I could be myself to find a special someone.

Signed,
Beached by a sea of beauty


Dear Beached,

 There is nothing wrong with loving your comfy jeans and t-shirts, nor going natural. There MANY men who really prefer a womans face au natural. You do not need glamour shots or high heels, nor do you need to show a lot of skin to attract the attention of a man. While you make not care to get dressed up to the nines on the average day, there is something to be said for dressing up when you are meeting new people and especially when going on a date. 
Even though I hate to have to say this  the reality is that human beings are very visual creatures. It has been scientifically proven that men are hardwired to be far more visual than women. A great example of this is the differential in the objectification of men and women in American society. What is attraction and subsequently, dating, all about? Advertising and interviewing. Presentation is key.
Just think of it this way  when you go to the store to make a purchase, do you prefer to buy your item in a brand new sealed package or a package that has been opened? Whilst your question has reminded me of something an old friend of mine told me years ago   YOU MUST SUFFER FOR FASHION! I didnt believe it then, and I surely do not believe it now. However, on the other hand, my grandmother used to say  a little powder and a little paint makes you what you aint, which I do take to heart. 
As for finding that special someone, the truth of the matter is that there is someone out there for everyone. When you finally find each other, you are going to know because he is going to love you just the way you are  after all of the store packaging has been removed - sweats and all! 
 
Remember  there is lots of frog kissing that goes on until that prince comes along.

Let me know how it goes!

the big apple has spoken
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 11, 2008)

Dear Aris,
I grew up in a family with very loving, but highly overprotective parents. I have a sister who I am very close to that is an Agoraphobic. Her life is really controlled by her fear of her panic attacks. They are mostly brought on by her being certain distances away from home _or her loved ones (such as me) being distances away from her. _
The problem is that I am (and have been since my early teens) being held prisoner by this situation emotionally. My sister is on many many medications and has been going to therapy since the early 1990s for her condition, but still has a very limited amount of miles she feels safe in. 
I love my sister, she's a very good gentle person. I really don't like to cause her any pain or panic attacks, but I have to start living my life. 
I am a late bloomer in a lot of ways and am just starting to really start moving forward towards becoming independent. I have recently got a boyfriend that lives about an hour away. Because of my sister's extreme need for control, my Mother resents and guilt trips me to no end about my putting my sister into panic situations. The simple act of me going an hour away with my BF causes stress and drama for both my sister and her, because she has to deal with her panic episodes when I'm gone.
My Mother is really trying to make me feel bad about my growing independence and calls me selfish, and has seriously said I'm going to put her & my father in an early grave due to the stress I'm putting on them with worry about me while I'm out with my boyfriend and can't be completely kept track of. This pains me much because when these issues aren't being discussed I get along very well with my family. I love and appreciate them very much, but I just hate the way that I'm being masterfully controlled with guilt.
What would you do in this situation, Aris? How would you deal with the "hurting your loved ones" guilt involved in the simple act of trying to live a full life?

Controlled By A Loved One's Fear



Dear Controlled,

 I am a firm believer that this situation calls for tough love. It is terrific that you are able to step out of your situation and identify the main issues being:
You are being held emotional prisoner by your sister and parents.
Your sister has a need for extreme control.
You are working diligently on living a full life.
 What I find very interesting is that in around 15 years of psychotherapy and medication treatment, your sisters agoraphobia does not appear to be very well controlled. In the case of any illness (in a person deemed competent by society)  mental or physical  it is up to the ill individual to want to make lifestyle choices to live a healthier life. In the case of agoraphobia, not only are the methods of taking medication and attending psychotherapy sessions ways to manage the illness, but also taking steps for _self-management _of it as well  in this case employing behavioral modification or coping skills. The bottom line is there is only so much meds and therapy can do. If a person wants to make change  they will.

As for you, your parents, and the guilt factor  clearly you and your parents are acting as co-dependents. By the three of you giving in to your sisters irrational needs and demands, you are thereby willing contributors to her illness. By enabling her, you are not allowing her the opportunity to function independently. Think of it this way  if your sister were a drug user, would you help enable her illness by supplying her with drugs? By allowing your sister to have power and control over your life, you are allowing her to perpetuate a continuing cycle of un-wellness. There is no need for her to work on her illness and push her comfort boundaries because when she calls you are there to pick up the pieces. By continuing to do so, it is the same thing as putting a band-aid on a gaping wound that needs stitches. 

The situation should be looked at from this perspective  what would happen if you made the decision to live your life  free from the bondage of this raging guilt? Life would go on. If your parents choose to feed into your sisters illness, continuing a co-dependent parasitic relationship then that is _their choice_. If you choose to put your foot down and say no more! I must live my life and you must live yours, then that is _your choice_. The only person you have total control over in this world is yourself.

You are only one person. In this life, you only own one thing  yourself. Life is not a dress rehearsal; you are either dancing or watching. If this means that you need to distance yourself from your immediate family for awhile, then perhaps that is what you must do  not only for yourself, but for your family. If you do make the decision to go the route of tough love, sit down with your parents, sister, and any other family members this situation directly affects and let them know. Let them know how you are feeling and that you have a new plan to put into action for the health and well-being of everyone involved. 

Remember, everyone *deserves* to live the fullest and best life they can possibly live. 

Let me know how things turn out

The big apple has spoken
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 14, 2008)

Hi All,

I am currently taking questions again!!!! 

If you have a question - I have an answer!!!!

All submissions sent by PM will be held in the STRICTEST CONFIDENCE!!!!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!!!!!​


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 16, 2008)

Dear Aris,

Every time my good friend introduces me to the new man in her life, he hits on me. This has happened several times to me, so I no longer want to meet her boyfriends. I think she really resents me for this, so I think she tries to get the guys that I have dated to hit on her (she asked my ex if he was interested in a threesome as a "joke"). I promise you, I am not flirting, or in no way hitting on her boyfriends (I don't flirt, in general). It's even gotten to the point where she has asked me to not wear makeup a few times when we have gone out together in public. I have been told by many men that they don't approach her because she never smiles and has a bad attitude. How can I get her to kill her jealousy issues? It's not like I don't say nice things to her (I tell her often when we go out that she looks beautiful, or that I like her outfit, she NEVER compliments me). Whenever I tell her something good that has happened to me, or something nice that has happened to me, she manages to make a little snide comment or find some way to make it sound negative. I know that a lot of this is her deep-seated self esteem issues that I can't solve, but do you have any tips, short of telling her to go visit a shrink.

Signed,
Tipless in Friendville

Dear Tipless,

 From what you have shared about your relationship with your friend, this is what we know: 
1.She is causing you to feel that she harbors resentment towards you.
2.She is causing you to feel that she is jealous of you.
3.She is asking you to not wearing makeup, thereby asking you to not accentuate your beauty.
4.Several men have advised you that your friend seems simply unapproachable.
5.Your friend takes any opportunity to needle you whenever you share your good news or positive experiences.

To answer your question: No, there are no tips. 
​ If a person is a true friend, they will love you and respect you unconditionally  regardless of their own personal issues. A true friend would never appear to harbor resentment or jealously towards their friends, ask them to change their style or appearance, or get their digs in wherever and whenever they saw fit.

It sounds as though this woman has serious personal issues. She sounds miserable. In her misery, she is looking for company and she has found it in you. Often people who are like this are psychic vampires. Psychic vampires are miserable people, who sap the energy from their friends (or victims.) These people feed off of the positive energy from the people around them to make themselves feel better, and in their wake leave the friend/ victim feeling emotionally tired and/or drained. 

In a nutshell, this woman is _NOT _a friend. I say this because, if a person does not know what real friendship is, they _CANNOT_ be a friend. There is no way to change her or help her because the change you are looking for needs to come from her and her alone. She must be willing to accept that her attitude and behavior are not conducive to the definition of friendship. 


My recommendation is that you make a list of her offensive behavior, make a time to meet with her, and share with her your concerns  in person - in a constructively critical way. A true friend will always listen to you and take your concern into serious consideration. If on the other hand, she cannot accept the facts as you have relayed to her and chooses to lay blame and fault, then she is clearly not ready to look at herself critically and make change. If the latter is the case, you may want to consider distancing yourself from her.

Let me know how it goes!

the big apple has spoken
::exeunt:::bow:


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 16, 2008)

The worst thing about this thread is you never get to find out what happens to these people!!! Aris if you hear news would it be appropriate to share what happened with us if the person gives permission? 

:bounce:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 16, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> The worst thing about this thread is you never get to find out what happens to these people!!! Aris if you hear news would it be appropriate to share what happened with us if the person gives permission?
> 
> :bounce:



Lilly,

I think you are right! In fact, I was just thinking the same thing today myself!!!! It would be nice to see how things have turned out!!!! 

THEREFORE, to those who have sent in their questions, *if you are so inclined, PLEASE DO* *let us know how things have turned out and how you are doing!!!!!!



*


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## LisaInNC (Apr 16, 2008)

lipmixgirl said:


> Dear Aris:
> 
> My sister and I recently had a major falling out over money. I loaned her and her husband money for a down payment on their home two years ago. I told them they did not have to start paying the money back for two years, interest free because they were trying to get their feet back on the ground and get their family in order.
> 
> ...



Hi Aris, 
Wanted to chime in on this one...My brothers and I loan money to each other with the expectation of never seeing it again, but knowing if any of us are ever in a bind one of us will help. It works for us. My motto is if you never loan your family money, you give it to them.


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## TraciJo67 (Apr 16, 2008)

Aris, just wanted to poke my head in and say that this is one of the most enjoyable threads I've stumbled across. You should be gettin' paid for all this wonderful advise  :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 16, 2008)

Dear Aris,

I just wanted to let you know that your advice basically confirmed what I already knew in my heart. The local guy and I are now a steady couple...and I couldn't be happier. Thank you SO much!

No Longer Confused In Cali


Dear Cali,

Thanks for the update!!!!!! I am so glad things have worked out so well!!!!


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 16, 2008)

I love happy endings.


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 16, 2008)

Dear Aris,

Just wanted to let you know that my parents have backed off and given me space. Now they only call a few times a week or don't call unless I call them. I can finally breathe!

- Matt


Matt,

I am so glad to hear that!!!!! Thanks for the update!


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## olwen (Apr 17, 2008)

Wow, it's awesome that your advice is helping people. Keep up the good work. You _should _be getting paid.


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 23, 2008)

dear readers and contributors,

just a quick note to let you know that more arisistable advice will be coming your way soon!!!

topics to be addressed in the coming weeks include:

spying on a partner

remarrying the spouse once divorced

an evil stepmother

a girly tomboy

&
salvaging friendship

again, thank you to EVERYONE reading and submitting!!!! 
remember, if you have problems - i have answers!!!


the big apple has spoken!!!
::exeunt:: :bow:​

"*Your advice is* *gold*." - Ask Aris Reader


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## bexy (Apr 23, 2008)

somebody please, make this a sticky!!!


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## lipmixgirl (Apr 25, 2008)

Dear Aris,

I am having a major issue with my boyfriend. Last night I was shopping on-line for his anniversary present and discussing what to get him over YIM with a friend. I sent her a link to what I wanted to get him. A few minutes later she tells me that my boyfriend likes what I have picked out. I asked her if she copied the link to him and she said she didn't. Shortly after that my BF comes out of his office with a print out of our entire conversation with the link I sent highlighted. He had been monitoring our ENTIRE conversation. Just watching it on the network. (he's a computer geek so he knows how to do this kind of stuff)

I was so taken aback. I felt so violated, so betrayed. He continuted to tell me that he's been doing this for quite awhile. I have never given him any reason to do this at all. Why would I? I love him very much and always tell him that. I feel like I have no freedom to do anything now because he is always watching. I really don't know what to say to him. Please help!

~ Unknowingly Dating Big Brother


Dear Unknowingly,

 Let me understand this  your boyfriend, the computer geek, has been monitoring your personal internet conversations and most likely tracking your internet browsing for quite awhile. You have shared with me that you were taken aback, and felt so violated, so betrayed, and feel as though you have no freedom in your relationship. 

Well guess what  *you dont*. Clearly your boyfriend has shown his true colors. I would venture to say that he finally has become comfortable and secure enough in the relationship where he could come right out and say  Honey, I spy on you all the time! It seems he feels that he has you right where he wants you. You, yourself, have admitted that you love him very much and tell him so  always. Therefore, if you love him, why would you leave him? You seem to have a good relationship, barring his spying. So, he felt the time was right to tell you:

1.I DO NOT TRUST YOU.
2.I HAVE NOT EVER TRUSTED YOU.
3.YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO BE TRUSTED.
4.YOUR INTERACTIONS WITH OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO BE MONITORED.
5.I am an out-of-control control freak.

So you now that he has come clean about the computer monitoring, what is next? His monitoring your telephone conversations? Following you covertly to make sure that you really are going to work or to visit your family? Asking his permission to leave the house? Not being allowed to go anywhere without him  as you need to be chaperoned? Or, have instances such as these already occurred? 

You have stated that you have given him no reason to doubt you. If this is a true statement, then you are not the one with the problem  he is. I would also venture to say that if he hasnt already tried to convince you that he isnt the one with the problem, but you are  that conversation will be coming soon. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you really love him, I ask you to give serious thought to this relationship. _True loving relationships are built on the foundation of mutual trust, honesty, and respect._ This relationship you describe clearly does not have this *mutual* foundation. 

Since you do not know what to say to him, perhaps you will allow me to help you out in this capacity. I certainly hope that he currently tracking your email and web surfing now, because I have a personal message for him  

_Dear Boyfriend of Unknowingly,_

_ YOU ARE AN UNMITIGATED ASS! If you think it is cute, cool, sly, witty, and necessary to track and monitor ANYONES personal and private interactions (other than your own), IT IS NOT! Clearly you have deep-seated issues when it comes to trust and faith  so much so, I wouldnt even know where to begin! How would you feel if it was your girlfriend spying on you?!?!?!? A reasonable and rational person would NEVER stoop to such a level! At this point in your life, you do not DESERVE to be in a romantic relationship! Clearly, you do not even know how to LOVE!You sir, are a SPY! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME! _



You are the only one who can decide your future with or without this man. If you choose the path of without, I guarantee that there will be another fish in the sea, one who is way more deserving.

Let me know how things turn out!

the big apple has spoken 
::exeunt:::bow:


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## SocialbFly (Apr 25, 2008)

lipmixgirl said:


> Dear Aris,
> 
> I am having a major issue with my boyfriend. Last night I was shopping on-line for his anniversary present and discussing what to get him over YIM with a friend. I sent her a link to what I wanted to get him. A few minutes later she tells me that my boyfriend likes what I have picked out. I asked her if she copied the link to him and she said she didn't. Shortly after that my BF comes out of his office with a print out of our entire conversation with the link I sent highlighted. He had been monitoring our ENTIRE conversation. Just watching it on the network. (he's a computer geek so he knows how to do this kind of stuff)
> 
> ...



Boy you nailed that one on the head, can you imagine a relationship with this person in say, 4 years, if this is how he is now, good lord, what will he be then??? He obviously feels some remorse, or he wouldnt have told...

i think some counseling is in order for said male person.


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## olwen (Apr 25, 2008)

Such good advice, as always Aris. Well done.


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## lipmixgirl (May 5, 2008)

Hey Aris​ 
So I have follow up, more problems too.​ 
I had a huge talk with my husband about his cross dressing and told him of the constant fears and how they nag at me, but how I will do my best to stop asking him the same questions.
I told him I am totally fine with his dressing up, doesnt bother me a damn, and will always be here for him no matter what.​ 
He told me that there is actually something more to it.
Just as I had suspected.​ 
He isnt gay.
He doesnt want to be a female.
But he has a desire to have breasts.
And wants to look into it.​ 
I am totally against this. I want to support him and love him, and have him be the real him. Have him be who he wants to be. But to develop breasts?​ 
In my eyes, as horrid as these sounds, this would make him half a girl, half a boy, kind of like a she male. Also the substances a boy needs to take to develop breasts contain estrogen, and this can mess his body up. Make him more feminine, make him less fertile etc.​ 
He doesnt realize this. He is being impulsive and irrational. I want him to talk to a gender counselor but he wont. He says he just wants breasts because he will look better in girls clothes and he wants to see how they feel. I am trying to explain this is not a new skirt or a new car, its altering his genetic make up. If he wants to be a woman, I will support him. If he wants to be a male cross dresser, I will support him.​ 
But I cannot support a half hearted, vanity based desire to have breasts, which will bring possible medical and biological repercussions and affect his future as a male.​ 
Help!!​ 



Dear Serious One,

You took my initial advice, communicated with your husband, and he has advised you that he wants to live as a man with breasts. Just to be clear  a heterosexual man with womens breasts. 

I agree on the following point -he should consult with a counselor who specializes in gender, sexuality, and transgender issues.

What I would like to know is if he has discussed hormone therapy with you or are you discussing hormone therapy??? If he is discussing hormone therapy as a means to develop breasts, then I recommend that he does his own research and discover EXACTLY what hormone therapy does to the body, By introducing a regiment of normal levels of the female hormone estrogen into the body, his body will begin to take on a female appearance. This includes fat redistribution which creates a smaller waistline and larger hips, breasts, as well as other physical attributes. 


If his grand plan is to make this into a Do-It-Yourself project by somehow procuring birth control pills  this is a very dangerous route to take. There is a reason birth control is prescribed by a doctor. No one should ever take it upon themselves to take any prescription medication without the express permission of and direct overseeing by a physician. There can be many repercussions and side effects from taking matters into ones own hands.

If he is not thinking of hormone therapy, there is also the route of breast implants. However, breast implants for biological males are generally the final steps in sexual reassignment to become female. To obtain such surgery, not only do plastic surgeons require tests to prove physical fitness to qualify for such elective surgery, but psychological documentation to prove mental fitness, as well.

To speak directly to your horror of the half-boy / half-girl. It does make sense. We in Western society are conditioned to accept 2 genders and 2 genders only. One is either male or female. No matter what a persons sexuality, gender identity, lifestyle, or fashion style may be, ultimately what people are looking to define is _male _or _female_. 

For example, if a transgendered man (a female who has become male) walks down the street  fully physically transitioned  wearing male gender-specific clothing, society does not see a woman  but a man  because this person has changed genders. This person was once female, but is now male. If drag queen RuPaul (a male performance artist who performs in womens clothing and makeup ) is seen in an ad for MAC makeup, society identifies RuPaul as a man in womens clothing. We know that RuPaul is a biological man, who has publicly stated that he is and identifies as a man, but performs as a woman. As for the term she-male, she-male is a slang term that has been adopted (widely within the realm of prostitution and pornography) to identify transgendered women (a male who has become female), who have opted retain their male sex organs. 


*What must be understood is that in todays world *
*a penis does not make a man, nor does a vagina make a woman.*​ 

What we in society may find truly shocking or unnatural is a person who has a desire to live inbetween biological sex and gender  i.e. a man with breasts. It is a foreign concept  the idea of a biological man, living as a man, with secondary female sex characteristics. 


What I recommend is that if your husband wants to look into acquiring breasts. He should look into it. In the meantime, I recommend that in addition to his research, he should give himself a trial 30 day period wearing a bra with breast inserts the size of the breasts he feels he wants - 24 hours a day  7 days a week (with exception of bathing). He should go and live daily life as a man with breasts. 

Additionally, I believe that if he is not interested in seeing a counselor, then you should suggest couples therapy, as you are his wife and this decision ultimately affects you as well. It seems, as you suggested, there are other underlying issues here that need to be brought to the surface and dealt with by the two of you  together.

Keep me posted! I want to know how everything works out!

the big apple has spoken
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## OneWickedAngel (May 7, 2008)

Finally found this thread and have read everything in it. I had major respect for you before; now having view this column all I can do is nod my head in even more admiration for my LipMixGirl as I yell across these Dim boards:

ARIS
*ROCKS!*
:bow::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::bow:​


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## bigsexy920 (May 7, 2008)

I hear Cleveland rocks as well 



OneWickedAngel said:


> ARIS
> *ROCKS!*
> :bow::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::bow:​


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## olwen (May 8, 2008)

OneWickedAngel said:


> Finally found this thread and have read everything in it. I had major respect for you before; now having view this column all I can do is nod my head in even more admiration for my LipMixGirl as I yell across these Dim boards:
> 
> ARIS
> *ROCKS!*
> :bow::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::bow:​



because good things come in threes.


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## bexy (May 9, 2008)

PLEASE PLEASE someone make this a sticky!! its an awesome thread, aris you are so intelligent and insightful and so many people are benefitting from this thread, even those who dont write in!


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## lipmixgirl (May 16, 2008)

Dear Aris, 

The thing is my ex-husband asked me out on a date. We have always remained friendly to each other over the years, but he has been calling a lot more often lately and asking to see me. Yesterday he came to my job right around 5 pm he just wanted to talk. From what I could tell he was getting at was he wanted to try again at a relationship. 

Now the things that I fell in love with are still there - he is a hard worker - loyal, honest, a good person in general, and he is easy on the eyes. I like it that he is not an FA in general, he is a “me” admirer, he just really loves me for all my faults - and he knows them ALL and even after all this time he still wants to be with me. We have been divorced for many years and he has never dated anyone in that time. Yes, I believe him 100% about that. 

Part of me feels like I should give it a go again and see what happens. I'm getting older and some of the things I thought were important at 24 - I just don’t think are that important (sex stuff). The other reason I've been thinking about it is; I've been a part of the fat acceptance community for over 10 years now and nothing has really come of it relationship wise. 

Do I stick it out? Or should I give the only man that has loved me for years another shot? 

I know I'm the only person to answer this, I was just hoping for some thoughts from someone looking at this from the outside in. 

Thanks for Listening. 


Dear Listening,

So we know the following - your ex is a hard working, loyal, honest, and good person, who is attracted to you for you. You have been a member of the fat acceptance community for over 10 years without luck in the romance department. 

The real questions here are:

 1.Do you love your ex-husband? 
2.Are you tempted to “try again” for the sake of trying again?

From the tone of your letter, it seems as though you may be considering this possibility because a better offer hasn’t come along. If this is the case &#8211; I ask you to ask yourself, would you be happy settling in such a relationship? Yes, you would have a partner, but would you be totally and completely fulfilled? If the answer to this question is no, then I recommend you rethinking your position. 

If you were to reconnect with your ex, who does indeed love you, you must ask yourself &#8211; would it be fair to him to try again if your heart is really not in it??? 

I am of the firm belief that no one should ever settle in life. True happiness never comes to those who settle. If you indeed love your ex and find that there is potential for rekindling a healthy and productive romantic relationship and partnership, then of course! GO FOR IT!

Let me know how things go! 

The big apple has spoken…
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 1, 2009)

hi all,

after a very long hiatus, i have returned... my advice to all - don't break bones. don't break bones and need to have surgery to correct the break.


i am taking questions*... 
if you have problems, i have answers! 

looking forward to hearing from you soon!

*please send your questions via PM. all inquiries are held in the STRICTEST CONFIDENCE!

​


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 17, 2009)

Dear Aris,


I've been going through a whirlwind of drama lately. A month ago, two of my friends told everyone that they were considering dating each other, which caused an uproar (but thats another story). It felt a little awkward for me, because I had had a crush on the girl, which I had told my friend about last year. Now, I had gotten over my crush a while ago, so I was originally fine with them dating. However, I soon found out that my friend had told the girl, and a bunch of other people, about my former crush, which really hurt because I told him that in confidence. I have a lot of trust issues from growing up, so it took a lot for me to tell something so personal to him, but I felt that I could trust him. And then he lied about telling people about the crush, even though I had heard from three other people (including the girl) that he had told them. 
And on top of that, he's now trying to say that I never told him about the crush in the first place. Now, the trust that I had with this guy has completely vanished, and he still tries to say that he hasn't done anything wrong. He's shown no remorse for his actions, and I'm currently not on speaking terms with him. And now, the girl that I had a crush on is being hostile towards me, for no apparent reason. Is there anything I can do to make the situation better? I really don't want to lose her as a friend, she's one of my best friends. 


Sincerely, 

Whirlwind of Drama





Dear Whirlwind,

For those who know me personally, if asked what I absolutely cannot deal with - it is people who are NOT NICE. Simply stated, what you are experiencing, for whatever reason, is a group of people who are  NOT NICE. Their behavior is completely unacceptable. 

A true friend will: never betray your confidence
 never lie to you
 never hurt you

You ask if there is anything you can do to make the situation better. I say there is  leave these people behind and move on with your life. Find people who are worthy of your time and your friendship. 

Ultimately, you are going to make the best choice for yourself. If you decide that these people are indeed worthy of your time and your energy, be prepared to endure the consequences  more behavior of this type. I urge you to choose wisely. 

Ill be interested to hear what you decide.


the big apple has spoken
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 22, 2009)

Dear Aris, 

I'm not sure how to phrase this question but... there's a girl who is really attracted to me but she's on the thin side. We're really good friends and I'm hesitant to make that next move because I'm not physically attracted to her. What should I do? 

Thanks,
Totally Conflicted 

Dear Conflicted, The points that stand out here are the following: 
You are physically attracted to fat women.
You are good friends with an average sized woman that you are not physically attracted to.
Said averaged sized friend is romantically interested in you.
 Do you feel that you could be romantically attracted to an average sized woman? If so, is it possible that physical attraction could follow? Do you have feelings for her that extend beyond friendship? 

The real question here is there any romantic chemistry on your part?

If the answer is no, I recommend maintaining your friendship as it stands. It never bodes well to become romantically involved with someone in spite of their size. 

Additionally, if you decide to date this average sized girl to satisfy your own curiosity, you must be prepared to accept the consequences &#8211; be they positive or negative &#8211; as this involves the two of you, not you alone.


Please keep me posted!

the big apple has spoken…
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## Blackjack (Feb 9, 2010)

Dear Aris,

Why is it suddenly the hip thing for established and respected members to bump a bunch of threads that haven't been posted in for 4 months or more?

-Beej


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 9, 2010)

Dear Aris,

Got any more of those hot corsets to share that you have on in that picture in the boob thread? Or at least can you give me a link to browse? 

I'm interested in hearing about corsets from another apple because I do so love my comfort as much as I enjoy having boobs. 

Hope it's okay I didn't PM you because it's been a while since I read the OP and forgot the rules :doh:

Sincerely,
GEF


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## goofy girl (Feb 10, 2010)

Dear Aris,

Why do people take their clothes for a walk down the streets of NYC on wheely racks? Where are they going? Are these important clothes? I think someday I'd like to take my clothes out for a walk, too. Would you like to go with me?

Thanks

Curious about the clothes


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 15, 2010)

hello my lovelies,

as you can see, i had taken an extended leave of absence but thanks to beej, have now returned for your reading pleasure!

Dear Aris,

Why is it suddenly the hip thing for established and respected members to bump a bunch of threads that haven't been posted in for 4 months or more?

-Beej


dearest beej,

i have no answer concrete answer for this. perhaps it has to do with lack of original discussion? just a thought.

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 15, 2010)

Dear Aris,

Got any more of those hot corsets to share that you have on in that picture in the boob thread? Or at least can you give me a link to browse? 

I'm interested in hearing about corsets from another apple because I do so love my comfort as much as I enjoy having boobs. 

Hope it's okay I didn't PM you because it's been a while since I read the OP and forgot the rules :doh:

Sincerely,
GEF

Dear GEF,

from one apple to another, i hear you on the love for the boobs! i will go to many lengths to emphasize the girls!!! my corset tops come from Torrid and i am most happy to announce that many of the Tripp brand corset styles are carried up to a size 30/32 (torrid size 5). 

my only recommendation is to please be aware that if you are getting a back zip entry corset, be prepared to have someone zip you in... personally, i only purchase the front zip and front hook & eye entry corsets.

http://www.torrid.com/torrid/store/...T<>prd_id=845524442210060&bmUID=1266293996333


please let me know if you make any purchases!

cheers!
aris...


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 15, 2010)

Dear Aris,

Why do people take their clothes for a walk down the streets of NYC on wheely racks? Where are they going? Are these important clothes? I think someday I'd like to take my clothes out for a walk, too. Would you like to go with me?

Thanks

Curious about the clothes


Dear Curious,

chances are you were in the garment district in NYC. somewhere in the 30's between 6th and 9th aves. this is the area where garments are purchased wholesale. the wheely racks provide easy transport for the garments. the clothes are going to a wholesaler or retailer. i am sure the clothes are important to someone. goofy, i mean curious, i'll go anywhere with you...

the big apple has spoken...
::exeunt:: :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 15, 2010)

Hi All,

I am currently taking questions again!!!! 

If you have a question - I have an answer!!!!

All questions will be held in the 
STRICTEST CONFIDENCE!!!!!!


Please send all submissions to:
[email protected]
(my inbox is full)

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!!!!!


​


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## exile in thighville (Feb 16, 2010)

dear aris,

i'm thinking of moving to canada but their chinese food is for the most part...unpleasant

what should i do


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## lipmixgirl (Feb 16, 2010)

dear aris,

i'm thinking of moving to canada but their chinese food is for the most part...unpleasant

what should i do 


dear exile,

you have to decide how important the chinese food is to you, compared to your reasons for moving. if the chinese food ranks number one on reasons to move, then you may have to rethink the situation....

best of luck...


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## exile in thighville (Feb 16, 2010)

you know how important chinese food is to me


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 16, 2010)

lipmixgirl said:


> Dear GEF,
> 
> from one apple to another, i hear you on the love for the boobs! i will go to many lengths to emphasize the girls!!! my corset tops come from Torrid and i am most happy to announce that many of the Tripp brand corset styles are carried up to a size 30/32 (torrid size 5).
> 
> ...



Dear Aris, 

Thanks for the wonderful advice- especially about the front/back zippers. :bow:


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## lipmixgirl (Mar 23, 2010)

hi all,

after a long hiatus, i am back and ready to throw my 2 cents into the ring!

need advice from a seasoned mediator and diversity specialist?!?!?

if so, send me a PM with ANY quandary, issue, question and i will answer that question anonymously with a professional answer - to be posted publicly on this thread.

*all submissions will be held in the strictest confidence!*

looking forward to hearing from you soon!





​


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## lipmixgirl (Sep 5, 2010)

hi all,

after a long hiatus, i am back and ready to throw my 2 cents into the ring!

need advice from a seasoned mediator and diversity specialist?!?!?

if so, send me a PM with ANY quandary, issue, question and i will answer that question anonymously with a professional answer - to be posted publicly on this thread.

*all submissions will be held in the strictest confidence!*

looking forward to hearing from you soon!


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