# The Secret



## ecogeek (Jan 22, 2013)

So the circumstances of this topic being brought up are different for me I guess...but as I get to know the whole FA/BBW scene more it makes me wonder....my situation is that a guy friend split from his partner a few months ago and confessed that he has liked me for a long time, but that his ex is jealous and he doesn't want her to know that he would like to date me. Issues with rights to see his child or something along those lines. I know her as well and can see that...however, I have always had this idea that I would never be another man's secret. Not under any circumstances, if it were for building a serious relationship. Sadly though, I think for the right guy I would be. (He is not the right guy.)

This got me thinking about the nature of many FAs. I UNDERSTAND how uncomfortable many of them feel about dating us BBWs openly. That some would not want their friends or family to know. 

Have any of you girls been "the secret" or are you currently?


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## CastingPearls (Jan 22, 2013)

If you would have asked me this two years ago, I would have said yes for the right guy but not because of the FA fear of public scrutiny factor but because he was married and painted a pic of being on the brink of separation, child custody issues, etc. Whether this was true or not, he turned out to not be worth it and I credit a friend for bringing me to my senses. Now....after having been through a personal transformation, unrelated to him, I could not be anyone's secret for any reason. It would make my needs as an equal null and you get the exact kind of love you accept.
You can take that to the bank.


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## ecogeek (Jan 22, 2013)

100% agree. I have always felt that I deserve better than that. As does any woman OR man for that matter.


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## Aust99 (Jan 22, 2013)

I would not feel comfortable being somebody's secret. I agree with the two posts above 100%.


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## BigBrwnSugar1 (Jan 22, 2013)

I've been through "The Secret" unfortunately a couple of times. The first time was many years ago and while it was difficult I had an easier time letting him go and getting past it. This go round was extremely difficult and he was a total asshole. I think it took me longer to realize that he was embarrased by me because I thought this situation could never happen again. Plus he was so intent on pursing me. This has virtually destroyed me. What I don't understand is if these men are not comfortable being seen with us in public why don't you just leave us alone? I'm beginning to believe that NO MAN wants to be seen with a fat woman in public and that we are only good for private, at home wank fodder. To prove my point see how many views there are on the Paysite board..........I hate to lump all men in the same shitty pile and I know not every man is like this that is attracted to fat women but I've more than my fair share and not with just these 2 instances so maybe my viewpoint is skewed.


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## aztecprinc3ss (Jan 24, 2013)

I've been there and have been sorely tempted but in the end we deserve better as human beings. The right man will treat you like a queen and value your thought and opinions and treat you as an equal.


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## ecogeek (Jan 24, 2013)

Love all the beautiful strong women around here!


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## ConnieLynn (Jan 24, 2013)

I tend to be a very private person. While I may not share my relationships with the world, and can understand others feeling the same, I don't do 'secret'. Hide is just another word for lie, and someone is getting hurt in the deal.


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## CarlaSixx (Jan 25, 2013)

I find being a "secret" totally unacceptable.

I understand if it's a one nighter and we/he knows a lot of people, and so wants to keep things hush hush. But as for being a secret girlfriend? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I say the same thing to my gay friends.
If they have to re-write their whole life to keep you a secret, it's a dangerous path.

ETA: I've been the secret. Back in high school. Never ever ever again.


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## loopytheone (Jan 29, 2013)

I would never, ever be somebodies secret. That is not to say that I demand they tell everybody about us right away. Me and my partner have been together for almost two months and neither of us have told our families. I don't know if he has told his friends but I tell mine. Don't get me wrong, neither of us would deny it if our families were to ask but it is really none of anybody else's business.

That said, I am far, far too awesome to be kept secret.


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## Oona (Jan 30, 2013)

I've been the secret before and I absolutely HATE it. While I am a self-proclaimed home-body, I do enjoy going out and not being able to because my SO wants to hide me would just piss me off to no end. 

If I'm happy with someone, screw everyone else and what they think. I'm in the relationship for ME and my SO to be happy, not to please the world.


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## BigBrwnSugar1 (Jan 30, 2013)

I've just had this happen too many times. Everything starts out nicely and then you realize that they never leave and do anything with you outside of the house. Here is a shocker for you ladies - MEN DO NOT LIKE FAT WOMEN!!!!! Or they may like us but they don't want to be seen in public with us. Sorry to break it to you but I felt in sisterhood I would share this breaking news. I know there are some lovely gents on this site but these guys are few and far far far between.


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## scoozy (Jan 30, 2013)

i have never been anyones "secret" or otherwise. i have never really been in a relationship before so as much as i say i could or would never be someones secret to be honest i feel like i wouldn't know until i was in that position but i can totally see both sides of these arguments. hopefully we all find someone some day that loves us enough to shout it from the rooftops :blush:


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## ConnieLynn (Jan 30, 2013)

OK, I'm an old fat chick and would like to insert a reality check. I've dated a number of FAs, and they definitely enjoyed being out with me. I dated FAs before I knew the term. I've gone through periods in my life when I didn't date, but it was always by choice. Plenty of guys out there who like fat chicks, and like to date fat chicks.

The key word is date. Talking online for months or years is not dating. Sitting around the house is not a date. Meeting for sex is not dating.

date - An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

If the guy doesn't value you enough to ask you out, you aren't dating. Lack of money is no excuse. Plenty of free public date opportunities. If it isn't done in public, you aren't dating -- you are slipping around with a person who is treating you just as poorly as you allow.

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## BigBrwnSugar1 (Jan 30, 2013)

The experiences I had didn't start out being a secret - I thought I _was_ dating but it became apparent after a little while. I was quite young the first time it happened but this last time really did a number on me and it was not expected because he pursued me HARD so it was a shock to me when I realized the truth. And that's why I ended it because I KNOW I deserve better and I have a lot to give to the right man. Right now I just don't think that the RIGHT MAN exists!!!!!


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## Donna (Jan 31, 2013)

I've seen far too many women put up with being the hidden girlfriend. Hell, I ended up there a couple times out of sheer naiveté (and perhaps a touch of desperation) a couple of times in my youth. I have learned that if you want a healthy relationship, you can't be another person's "secret." Secrets carry the connotation of shame; by definition they are kept hidden from view. Do you really want to be hidden from view? A healthy relationship is like a garden. When two people meet, seeds are planted. Those seeds need to tended to, nurtured, fed properly and given plenty of light. And when this happens, the garden grows. How can a relationship grow if you can't be open about the relationship? How can you expect to be open and honest with each other if you can't be open and honest with others?


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