# Guys, what do you look for in a girl?



## squeezablysoft (Apr 14, 2016)

*What do you find attractive in a woman, BHM's? Could be physical stuff, personality traits, anything.*


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## dwesterny (Apr 15, 2016)

Self-aware, intelligent and nerdy are the traits I find allow me to really get into worthwhile conversations with women. Open mindedness and sarcasm are also interesting traits to me. Rejecting bullshit societal norms and living on her own terms is sexy. Smart women give this chubby a chubby, luckily dims has plenty. 

Although at this point I'm probably willing to settle for consent and a pulse.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Apr 15, 2016)

I agree with dwesterny: intelligence is a definite turn-on. Other things I look for are kindness, patience, generosity, and the kind of wisdom/sense of humor that lets her take herself lightly. It's nice if she's pretty -- and my wife is -- but once I realized what her character was like, I'd have married her if she'd had two heads.


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## djudex (Apr 16, 2016)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> I'd have married her if she'd had two heads.



:bounce:


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## Xyantha Reborn (Apr 16, 2016)

Although I'm not a guy, my friends are guys. They tend to look for different things in women if they want a one time lay, to date for fun, or when they are scoping out the potential mother of their future child. It might help to specify which kind of relationship you would be looking for too.


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## LeoGibson (Apr 17, 2016)

This is a very tough question indeed. What do I look for in a woman? It can vary from person to person or even to what I'm looking for in terms of relationship or just a hook up or something in between. 

I'd say first things first, is do I find her attractive? That's where everything starts for me. It also isn't cut and dried either because I find many different things attractive and it could be physical attributes or it could be a certain style or way of carrying herself or attitude. Body size means little to me. I'd be lying if I didn't state that my ideal is for a BBW on the smaller end of the spectrum with an hourglass figure. That being said, I have found myself insanely attracted to both SSBBW's and very petite women as well. For me it is less about her physical attributes and more so how she carries herself and her attitude and intelligence.

Next I look at her personality. Is she fun to be around and easy to talk to? Does she laugh easily and frequently. Is she intelligent? Can she challenge me mentally?

Then it's a matter of is she into me as much as I'm into her? I want to be desired, not something settled for.

These are just a few of the quick things that come to mind. There are many other smaller details that can come into play as well. I think for myself, if I was building a Frankenwoman, first she would have all the non-physical attributes I desire, then she would be around 5'8 to 6'0 and around 180-210 lbs., long dark hair, moderate to large breasts, wide hips and a rather large round rear end. Olive or darker complexion and full lips. For a fair comparison, I've only ever dated one person that came even close to that description (and it did not happen to be the woman I married either) so that should tell you how much the physical really means to me!

When it came to straight up hooking up, I pretty much was content if they had a pulse, a vagina (fingers crossed), and wanted to get naked with me as much as I wanted to get naked with them.

Hope this gives you some more insight into the mind of a guy's attractions.


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## dwesterny (Apr 17, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> Although at this point I'm probably willing to settle for consent and a pulse.





LeoGibson said:


> When it came to straight up hooking up, I pretty much was content if they had a pulse, a vagina (fingers crossed), and wanted to get naked with me as much as I wanted to get naked with them.



Leo, you're so picky!


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## LeoGibson (Apr 17, 2016)

Well, a man must have some standards!


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## bigmac (Apr 17, 2016)

The girls I've been most attracted to have all been what I call _naughty good girls._ Wholesome (i.e. not trashy or slutty) but willing to indulge their sexual appetites (and often gastronomic appetites too). Its a fine line but some girls are great at walking it.


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## agouderia (Apr 18, 2016)

bigmac said:


> _naughty good girls._ Wholesome (i.e. not trashy or slutty) but willing to indulge their sexual appetites (and often gastronomic appetites too).



Great definition - I think many FFAs can relate to it!


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## Tad (Apr 18, 2016)

Not looking, and back when I was looking I wasn't anywhere like BHM status (granted, also wasn't particularly near being thin either)*. But I've been around this site and others for a lot of years, and communicated with a lot of people, and I've pretty much come to the shocking conclusion that ..... fat people are people, pretty much like any others for the most part.

Which is to say, there is a tremendous variety is what they want in another person, what they'll accept in another person, what they want for the other person to want in them, what they'll accept in the other person wanting in them, and how clear they are on any of the preceding. On average fat people seem to have later and fewer romantic relationships (although there are plenty of exceptions), and may tend to focus more on what they want/ need the other person to feel toward them (but again there are plenty who are the other way).

When it comes to how they'd feel about an FFA, I'd say you get 
- the BHM who want to be 'just a normal guy who happens to be bigger' and may prefer someone who falls for them for all their great qualities while overlooking, or at least not being too concerned with, their size. They may or may not be comfortable who prefers them being big. I suspect that this is the largest group.
- the BHM who dislike their size, and may have a very complicated set of relationships because they struggle to deal with anyone who doesn't also disapprove of their size. I don't think these are really all that common, but they may have a higher chance of being single
- the BHM who like being big, in varying degrees from "I like the presence that being big gives me" to "To immobility and beyond!" These are the ones most apt to be comfortable with an FFA I'd think, but what they are looking for may still be quite particular.

* all of that said, what I wanted was someone smart, together, cute to my eyes, attracted to me, fat-positive, and interested in a long-term relationship. I was willing to accept smart, had some features I was attracted to, was happy to be in a relationship of some sort with me even if they weren't especially attracted to me, and fat neutral. As for what I found cute, that is always a hard thing to describe, it tends to be a 'know it when I see it' sort of thing, but in general my preferences ran more butch than did those of most guys.

ETA: a couple of links to older posts where I babbled around this general topic:
- on 'hot buttons' http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1161779&postcount=7
- on what we think we want, versus what we are really looking for: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1234320&postcount=3
- my response: http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=610307&postcount=60 in this thread http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=32156&highlight=buttons about list of male turn-ons (unfortunately the link that started the thread seems to be gone, but I don't think you really need it). That thread could be an interesting read -- not BHM specific but you might find some grist for your mental mill.


I hope I didn't totally drown you in words!


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## dwesterny (Apr 18, 2016)

Tad said:


> When it comes to how they'd feel about an FFA, I'd say you get
> - the BHM who want to be 'just a normal guy who happens to be bigger' and may prefer someone who falls for them for all their great qualities while overlooking, or at least not being too concerned with, their size. They may or may not be comfortable who prefers them being big. I suspect that this is the largest group.
> - the BHM who dislike their size, and may have a very complicated set of relationships because they struggle to deal with anyone who doesn't also disapprove of their size. I don't think these are really all that common, but they may have a higher chance of being single
> - the BHM who like being big, in varying degrees from "I like the presence that being big gives me" to "To immobility and beyond!" These are the ones most apt to be comfortable with an FFA I'd think, but what they are looking for may still be quite particular.



I tend do disagree, many of the men uncomfortable with or who dislike their size only are that way from fear of or fact of being rejected and disdained. I know that was my issue a year ago. Some can let that mindset go and some can't. I think the ability to change is based on how open minded you are to the possibility that what you knew or thought you knew is wrong. I have zero body shame issues with FFAs at this point (I was told by one that I was more relaxed naked than I was out for sushi) nor would I be the guy who orders a plain salad because he thinks that's going to make a good impression. I might order a salad if I want one, but it will be covered in ranch dressing, croutons, olives, bacon crumbles and steak tips.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Apr 18, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I tend do disagree, many of the men uncomfortable with or who dislike their size only are that way from fear of or fact of being rejected and disdained.
> 
> 
> > A lot of F/FAs actually have met this kind of person. Some people become so conditioned to self hatred and communal derision that they NEED it. And that self hatred tends to lash back out at the FA - a sort of "I might be weak for being fat but there is something WRONG with you for liking it!!!!". Even fat people who are normally generally ok with it can have those moments. And I think women tend to be conditioned to self hatred even more so...thus some level of sass or confidence is appreciated, to offset, IMO.


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## dwesterny (Apr 18, 2016)

Xyantha Reborn said:


> A lot of F/FAs actually have met this kind of person. Some people become so conditioned to self hatred and communal derision that they NEED it. And that self hatred tends to lash back out at the FA - a sort of "I might be weak for being fat but there is something WRONG with you for liking it!!!!". Even fat people who are normally generally ok with it can have those moments. And I think women tend to be conditioned to self hatred even more so...thus some level of sass or confidence is appreciated, to offset, IMO.



I'm certain there are people out there who internalize the views of others to that extent. I'm glad not to be one of them. I never internalized the disdain I felt from others I was just highly aware of it and didn't feel like putting myself out there to deal with the preconceptions of 99% of the world. I'm of the opinion that the viewpoints of the majority can be (and often are) baseless bullshit.

Just like I didn't feel there was something actually wrong with me I don't feel there is something wrong with FFAs. Though many of them have expressed that they expected me to think they were crazy/weird for their preference.


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## Tad (Apr 18, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I tend do disagree, many of the men uncomfortable with or who dislike their size only are that way from fear of or fact of being rejected and disdained. I know that was my issue a year ago. Some can let that mindset go and some can't. I think the ability to change is based on how open minded you are to the possibility that what you knew or thought you knew is wrong. I have zero body shame issues with FFAs at this point (I was told by one that I was more relaxed naked than I was out for sushi) nor would I be the guy who orders a plain salad because he thinks that's going to make a good impression. I might order a salad if I want one, but it will be covered in ranch dressing, croutons, olives, bacon crumbles and steak tips.



Good point! I was taking an overly static view of things.

So, Wes, my question for you is, how much did finding Dimensions (etc) change what you want? (or at least, consciously want -- we probably all have layers, tangled and conflicting desires that we try to mentally comb out, things we never had the word or concept for so didn't even know we desired, etc)


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## Crumbling (Apr 18, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> Though many of them have expressed that they expected me to think they were crazy/weird for their preference.



Let's be fair...

...some of them are crazy/weird ... and their preference has nothing to do with it.

Some of them are just afraid they will frighten you off, others....

...some of them are hiding raw chicken in their panty drawer and bacon in their shoes.


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## dwesterny (Apr 18, 2016)

Crumbling said:


> ...some of them are hiding raw chicken in their panty drawer and bacon in their shoes.


You say that like chicken and bacon are bad things. What it comes down to is it can be a kink, a fetish or paraphilia just depends on the person. 



Tad said:


> Good point! I was taking an overly static view of things.
> 
> So, Dwes, my question for you is, how much did finding Dimensions (etc) change what you want? (or at least, consciously want -- we probably all have layers, tangled and conflicting desires that we try to mentally comb out, things we never had the word or concept for so didn't even know we desired, etc)



That I want at all is different. It has it pluses and minuses. Before it was a steady drag, a stable low. Now I want things and that's better because sometimes I kind of get them and I am willing to take risks and put in effort to get them. It's also worse because the frustration when things don't go well was not there before. If you never get your hopes up they can't be crushed.


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## agouderia (Apr 18, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I tend do disagree, many of the men uncomfortable with or who dislike their size only are that way from fear of or fact of being rejected and disdained.





Xyantha Reborn said:


> Some people become so conditioned to self hatred and communal derision that they NEED it. ........ And I think women tend to be conditioned to self hatred even more so...



It's not just fat men, it's fat women or children even more so. Being overweight today puts you in a constant 'attention' position because you might receive some form of disdain for your size any given moment. And above all, that disdain, rudeness to abuse is even socially sanctioned. Almost never is anybody called out for size discrimination or weight bashing - because it's the form of modern ostracism society not only doesn't condemn, but actually rewards. If you look at surveys - even fat people don't admit to liking to associate with other fat people.

So your analysis Xy overlooks or belittles the root causes of the conditioning to fat self-hatred - the fact that many fat people have to be on the defensive for being themselves every single second they are confronted with others. To be able to overcome that and develop a healthy self-esteem requires an enormous amount of emotional energy as well as a certain mix of personality traits - resilience, intellectual independence, maturity, care-less attitude, etc. - not everybody has. It furthermore depends on how fat-hating the individual environment is (- and that often can't be (easily) changed).

It's F/FA arrogance that every fattie can simply overcome the scarring effects of weight discrimination - just as it's skinny arrogance that thinks 'eat less- exercise more' is the answer to all weight questions.


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## Tad (Apr 18, 2016)

I didn't think Xy's post overlooked anything around the causes -- in that it wasn't addressing causes at all, just commenting on the end effect.


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## dwesterny (Apr 18, 2016)

agouderia said:


> It' - the fact that many fat people have to be on the defensive for being themselves every single second they are confronted with others. To be able to overcome that and develop a healthy self-esteem requires an enormous amount of emotional energy as well as a certain mix of personality traits - resilience, intellectual independence, maturity, care-less attitude, etc. - not everybody has. It furthermore depends on how fat-hating the individual environment is (- and that often can't be (easily) changed).



I don't claim to have overcome completely, but I've come very far. It's also harder if you're really huge. At close to 500 I get jaw dropped looks and visible disgust from strangers. But fuck them. Without question my weight is the first thing anyone who looks at me for the first time thinks of. Luckily some wonderful creatures think it's sexy rather than disgusting, it was nice to learn that was possible.

I should note almost every FFA I have talked acknowledges that not every fatty can get over it. Some who are forced to hunt wild fatties are terrified of it. Of course I tend to talk to smart self-aware FFAs, so that makes sense I guess.


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## squeezablysoft (Apr 18, 2016)

*It's definitely very sexy when a BHM feels good about himself and has a confident attitude, but I understand that cultivating that self-esteem as a person of size in a fat-shaming world is easier said than done. *


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## Crumbling (Apr 18, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> You say that like chicken and bacon are bad things.



She gave herself and her best friend food poisoning...


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## Xyantha Reborn (Apr 18, 2016)

Tad said:


> I didn't think Xy's post overlooked anything around the causes -- in that it wasn't addressing causes at all, just commenting on the end effect.


 
Correct. 

And my comment about women being more exposed to it is that there are multimillion dollar industries that are aimed at us to degrade our self esteem so we will buy their products. Not just weight, but everything about us; hair, nails, nose - hell, even our vagina's are now something to be lazered and culled into aesthetic submission. Weight is just one thing among many that can be the proverbial straw. 

I never said that they can overcome it, or should overcome it, or that it is reasonable to expect them to overcome it. But each of us has a tolerance level in the partner we seek. I don't mind lovingly reassuring my man, or dealing with his lack of adoring his body - but I've been with a guy who HATED his body, and HATED me for liking it. It was horrid, and traumatizing, and made me realize that I needed someone who was emotionally stable. Not emotionally perfect or unscarred, but who didn't need to wound me in order to feel whole. I don't need a guy to love being fat, but I do need him to not hate me for my preference, causing me pain because he cannot escape his own. 

And I don't think that it is unreasonable, in a man or a woman, to know your own limits of what you can tolerate in a partner, (in any aspect of your life) so that you are both happy. And each person has their own limits and criteria

And yes, even my hubby lashed out once about it and I burst into tears because it hurt so much. I never cry like that unless I am emotionally destroyed. And I cried so hard, for so long, that he realized just how much _his own emotional state impacted me. _We found a compromise/talked about it/he can now articulate his pain without hurting me, and I learned when I can get my FFA on vs not to not cause him undue comfort

So basically; each to his own, but if your partner is generally confident, propping them up about one thing (like weight) is easier than if they have zero confidence, and you basically have like to rebuild their world each morning when they wake up. I have friends who do this for their spouse - and just because I don't think I could do that, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be happy, or that I don't admire their dedication.


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## dwesterny (Apr 18, 2016)

Again I think the main difference is between feeling "I hate being fat because everyone thinks negatively about me for it" vs saying "Everyone is right to think poorly of me and I deserve to be treated that way". A lot easier to recover from the first than from the second.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Apr 18, 2016)

True......!


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## loopytheone (Apr 19, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> I don't claim to have overcome completely, but I've come very far. It's also harder if you're really huge. At close to 500 I get jaw dropped looks and visible disgust from strangers. But fuck them. Without question my weight is the first thing anyone who looks at me for the first time thinks of. Luckily some wonderful creatures think it's sexy rather than disgusting, it was nice to learn that was possible.
> 
> I should note almost every FFA I have talked acknowledges that not every fatty can get over it. Some who are forced to hunt wild fatties are terrified of it. Of course I tend to talk to smart self-aware FFAs, so that makes sense I guess.



I can tell in the way that you talk about yourself that you have come far and it is awesome to see. You're adorable and awesome, after all. :happy:

You are definitely right that not everybody can overcome these things. At the end of the day, that was one of the main reasons me and my ex fiancee split up. He could never really accept himself or get over his own self-hatred about his size so he kinda flew between being awed and happy that I found him so attractive and thinking of me as horrible and manipulative for liking him as he was. I dunno if maybe other FFAs could cope with that long term but I definitely couldn't and I try and stay as far away from people like that as possible these days.


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## agouderia (Apr 20, 2016)

Tad said:


> I didn't think Xy's post overlooked anything around the causes -- in that it wasn't addressing causes at all, just commenting on the end effect.





Xyantha Reborn said:


> Correct.



I'm sorry Xy - I misinterpreted the NEED in your first post - as to it being a more volontary element.



dwesterny said:


> Again I think the main difference is between feeling "I hate being fat because everyone thinks negatively about me for it" vs saying _"Everyone is right to think poorly of me and I deserve to be treated that way". _A lot easier to recover from the first than from the second.



The latter probably is the particularly perfidious element in fat shaming. Most overweight people (the vast majority which is in the BMI range 25-35) actually suffers more from the stigma attached to being overweight than the actual weight and it's effects. That is also what leads to such perverted thought patterns and makes it so difficult to overcome these mental and psychological mindcuffs.


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## ouroboros (Apr 24, 2016)

Through my experience, often times through repetition one can usually get even the most self-conscious fat guy to become more comfortable with their size...to a degree. That's the important part to remember. Some people just can't fully overcome it and the wall only goes down so much before they start to pull away. So it becomes a cycle of balancing what they are comfortable with, without overstepping a line. As someone who's been in that situation, it requires a lot of restraint on the ffas side. I know this isn't the original intent of the post, but it went in this direction so I felt like adding my two cents.


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