# T M I, W T F Thread



## FishCharming (Aug 3, 2011)

I already posted mine in another thread, how about you all share


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## Broadside (Aug 3, 2011)

It's been an extraordinarily long time since I've had any genuine sexual contact. In fact it's been so long, that I was recently considering spending a few grand on a trip to what can only be described as "whore island" in the Caribbean.

I read a book on this, so I would know what to expect. It was called "Around the World in 80 lays".

Even after reading the book, gaining a familiarity with what to expect, and trying to understand several cultures that would not have a problem with something like this, I just can't bring myself to descend to that level of what I consider "near creepy desperation". There's just something about paying for a sex-cation that makes me feel like I'm crossing a line I can't backup over.

So I just whack it 6 or 7 times a week now.


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## Paquito (Aug 3, 2011)

I've never had any interest in masturbation or sex. Ever.


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## Mordecai (Aug 4, 2011)

Paquito said:


> I've never had any interest in masturbation or sex. Ever.



Invest in low yield voyeur bonds!


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## imfree (Aug 4, 2011)

I just farted


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## Melian (Aug 4, 2011)

One time, I hid under my lab bench and put in a tampon, because I didn't want to walk all the way to the bathroom to do it. There were like five guys in the lab at the time. Stealth.


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## WVMountainrear (Aug 4, 2011)

I was late for a meeting this morning. When I was getting out of my truck to rush into the building, I breathed in and felt a huge booger dislodge in my nostril. I didn't have any tissues handy, and, since I was late, there was someone waiting at the door of the building to let me into a side entrance. So I did the only thing I could. I got out of my truck, positioned myself so that whomever was standing at the door couldn't see me and quickly blew the monstrosity snot-rocket style onto the ground before straightening up, giving my nose a swift knuckle wipe to insure there was no visible fallout/residue, and heading into my meeting. So feminine and dainty.


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## HDANGEL15 (Aug 4, 2011)

* I hate panties....and when wearing a dress..especially camping/ festivals...i can just take a whiz ....wherever.....love that*


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## Zowie (Aug 4, 2011)

I usually go to bed with socks on, and when my feet get too warm, I stash the socks under my pillow so I can find them easily again later on if the need arises.

This is so ingrained now that I immediately reach under my pillow for socks when I'm cold. And it also happens that certain days I lift my pillow to find several pairs of socks stashed there.


But... My feet don't stink.  At least there's that.


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## ManBeef (Aug 5, 2011)

When I first started to get R.A. bad && we had no clue as to wtf was happening, I would just get up the will power to stand up, pop the screen a lil, then piss out the window. It was agony penguin walking to the bathroom so this was my alternative... Killed some weeds though. CAN YOU SAY TWO FUCKIN BIRDS!? HUH? HUH? I mean it, huh?

Also when I jerk the unicorn meat horn, I tend to do those lamaze breathing techniques. HE HE HE WHOOOO! Or I hold my breath && make like suffocating grunting noises. Kinda like when someones constipated.


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## ManBeef (Aug 5, 2011)

Melian said:


> One time, I hid under my lab bench and put in a tampon, because I didn't want to walk all the way to the bathroom to do it. There were like five guys in the lab at the time. Stealth.



My ex would do it while I was driving. I would give her a cig for not spilling


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## Surlysomething (Aug 5, 2011)

You all are fucked up.

Haha.


I do like a TMI thread though. At least I know what to expect.


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## LeoGibson (Aug 5, 2011)

I learned that a completely smooth manscaping job on the nether regions does not work well when you work a physical job outdoors in 100 degree temperatures.Without hair to wick away sweat the smell gets freakin horrendous.I mean it smells like you were trying to hump a dead raccoon and when the hair grew back it felt like you were trying to hump a live porcupine:doh::doh::doh:


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## MrBob (Aug 5, 2011)

I once came in my own eye. I was lying down on my bed, my girlfriend was manually engaging Bob Jr and when the magic moment arrived it sent that redhot mortar of love firing in a high arc that I did not realise until it was too late that my left eye was about to get hit. Jesus Horatio Christ it stung...and left it bloodshot. And she thought it was so funny she wouldn't even pass me a tissue for ages. Not cool.


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## *Goofy*Girl* (Aug 6, 2011)

I just bought a new swimsuit and met someone new.

Ugh! Time to start waxing down there again.


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## imfree (Aug 6, 2011)

More TMI, Girls, the Endo put me on Testosterone!


Said to increase muscle mass and improve blood sugars.

We'll see about the regrowth of body hair and horniness of a three-peckered billy goat issues!


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## JulieD (Aug 6, 2011)

I know a lot about sex toys. There was about 3-4 years when I did not have sex after my daughter was born, but I still had to relieve stress somehow. So I took an interest in sex toys, I have quite the collection. I will get a new one and use it until I get board, then get another. I know it might not be that weird, but seriously, I kid you not...the last toy party I went to, I knew more about the toys and products then the agent, she was asking me questions. I probably could make a good living selling them, because I know a wealth of information about them... 
Also, I grew up 10 miles from TMI (Three Mile Island). We moved there in 1980, one year after the meltdown. You could see the cooling towers from my bus stop, no joke.


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## LeoGibson (Aug 6, 2011)

JulieD said:


> Also, I grew up 10 miles from TMI (Three Mile Island). We moved there in 1980, one year after the meltdown. You could see the cooling towers from my bus stop, no joke.




Does this mean that eventually all your toys turn into glow in the dark toys wether you like it or not?


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## MrBob (Aug 6, 2011)

LeoGibson said:


> Does this mean that eventually all your toys turn into glow in the dark toys wether you like it or not?



Nah, they just grow bigger like Godzilla.


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

MrBob said:


> Nah, they just grow bigger like Godzilla.




Dickzilla?


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## MrBob (Aug 6, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Dickzilla?




Schlongzilla


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

MrBob said:


> Schlongzilla



An old colleague kept talking about 'rubbing the Anaconda to sleep."


Okay, my TMI: Having my period. Horny, then grumpy, then horny, then emo, then horny and bubbly. Yaaayyyy -_-


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## Broadside (Aug 6, 2011)

Last time I was New Orleans I was with a friend who insisted that she needed to puke... in an alley. So I said "Ok let me help you" and started to make puking noises, which she insisted wouldn't work, and then puked near my legs enough to cause splash back. When I woke up the next morning I had hives all over my shins and ankles.

At breakfast I chugged a bottle of benadryl because someone said antihistamines would help with the hives. I had never taken an antihistamine and soon found myself on a death march back to my hotel.

I was in a such a deep sleep after I finally laid down that I nearly pissed the bed. I say nearly because a spritz came out, woke me up, and had me rushing to the bathroom, then crawling back into my spritzed bed. 

Then I got up at 7pm and got hammered all night, only to sleep in my spritzed bed again.

The Big Easy indeed...


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

Okay. Ew. I just pulled some dirt out of my belly button and it just looks...ew.

-flails and pitches a spazz to go and wash her hands-


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## Broadside (Aug 6, 2011)

What really sucks is when you jizz on your stomach and it goes into your belly button, fall asleep, and then rummage the crust out later wondering what it is, only to realize in horror that you've been digging around in your own baby gravy for the last few seconds.

Now I wanna wash _my_ hands...


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## CastingPearls (Aug 6, 2011)

This thread is both awesome and horrific.


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

Broadside said:


> What really sucks is when you jizz on your stomach and it goes into your belly button, fall asleep, and then rummage the crust out later wondering what it is, only to realize in horror that you've been digging around in your own baby gravy for the last few seconds.
> 
> Now I wanna wash _my_ hands...



Makes you feel dirty knowing that huh? And sadly not in the kinky way ._.


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## Broadside (Aug 6, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Makes you feel dirty knowing that huh?



Dirty? I did it yesterday... :doh:


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## CarlaSixx (Aug 6, 2011)

I had ice cream last night and the bowel effects are continuing into today


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## MrBob (Aug 6, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Makes you feel dirty knowing that huh? And sadly not in the kinky way ._.



It's an occupational hazard, but hey...better in the bellybutton than your eyeball!


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

MrBob said:


> It's an occupational hazard, but hey...better in the bellybutton than your eyeball!



Or the eyeball of your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband/special pet leprechaun/sockpoppet


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## fatsweethobbit (Aug 6, 2011)

I had chilly sauce  my farts are hot ass hell now :bow:


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

fatsweethobbit said:


> I had chilly sauce  my farts are hot ass hell now :bow:



Hiroshima butt.


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## Broadside (Aug 6, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Or the eyeball of your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband/special pet leprechaun/sockpoppet



Exactly how many people are _in_ the room with you when you have sex?


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

Broadside said:


> Exactly how many people are _in_ the room with you when you have sex?



Depends how many are willing to join or share =P


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## Broadside (Aug 6, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Depends how many are willing to join or share =P



Well how many sock puppets then?


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 6, 2011)

Broadside said:


> Well how many sock puppets then?




They're either watching from the laundry hamper or they're just lounging and chilling. Unless it's your thang and all, then they'll join in, but they kinda stick to themselves when it comes to getting down 'n dirty.


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## Broadside (Aug 6, 2011)

Weird, I always thought sock puppets liked a hand up their backside. They seem so lively when that's going on...


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## JulieD (Aug 6, 2011)

LeoGibson said:


> Does this mean that eventually all your toys turn into glow in the dark toys wether you like it or not?


Yes, something like that



MrBob said:


> ...Godzilla.





SlightlyMorbid said:


> Dickzilla?





MrBob said:


> Schlongzilla





SlightlyMorbid said:


> ...Anaconda...



Who told you their names? :huh:



SlightlyMorbid said:


> ...Okay, my TMI: Having my period. Horny, then grumpy, then horny, then emo, then horny and bubbly. Yaaayyyy -_-


What happened to Sneezy,Dopey, and Doc?


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## Lavasse (Aug 7, 2011)

Ive been asked to do BHM porn before :happy:


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## *Goofy*Girl* (Aug 7, 2011)

CarlaSixx said:


> I had ice cream last night and the bowel effects are continuing into today



Ew, I'm lactose intolerant too.


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 7, 2011)

JulieD said:


> Yes, something like that
> 
> 
> 
> ...



those three? They got fired because they had SQUAIDS.
And names? It's all in the contacts -shifty look-



And yay for BHM porn. I mean...yeah, sockpoppets. Yeah...


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## Broadside (Aug 8, 2011)

I'm writing this whilst on the toilet.


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## Lil BigginZ (Aug 8, 2011)

i watch to much porn lol


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 8, 2011)

Lil BigginZ said:


> i watch to much porn lol



That's not a TMI but more like....normal?


That's one thing I don't get, why do women make such a fuss about a guy watching porn? He needs eye-candy o.o


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## nite_mare (Aug 8, 2011)

My TMI.. I went on a vacation with my hubby at the time to Mexico where I proceeded to get absolutely hammered.. we made it back to the hotel and I remember feeling especially amorous.. I remember I started to give him a bj and that's the last thing I remember.. The next morning he said I passed out during the act with his cock still in my mouth.. LOL!


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## MrBob (Aug 8, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> That's not a TMI but more like....normal?
> 
> 
> That's one thing I don't get, why do women make such a fuss about a guy watching porn? He needs eye-candy o.o


Yes, but dwarf porn...with clowns?


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## CastingPearls (Aug 8, 2011)

MrBob said:


> Yes, but dwarf porn...with clowns?


Yeah I draw the line at clowns.

I like porn. I think I'd have a problem with someone who had a problem with my liking porn.


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## Lil BigginZ (Aug 8, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> That's not a TMI but more like....normal?
> 
> 
> That's one thing I don't get, why do women make such a fuss about a guy watching porn? He needs eye-candy o.o



waaaayyyyy to much porn lol

you know it's bad when you gotta type yout in the address bar to get to youtube instead of it bringing it up automatically. hahaha


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## Surlysomething (Aug 8, 2011)

My tank top got wet while I was making dinner so I took it off. No bra. I ate dinner this way while surfing Facebook. When I looked down I realized I had ketchup on my boob. Thank god the blinds were closed.


GIDDYUP, White trash Princess!


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## Broadside (Aug 8, 2011)

I watch porn. I even had a subscription to a site at one point, on more than one occasion.


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## lovelocs (Aug 8, 2011)

Broadside said:


> I watch porn. I even had a subscription to a site at one point, on more than one occasion.



YOU PAID FOR PORN!?! 

That's a confession.


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## Broadside (Aug 8, 2011)

Paid for plenty of lap dances, those cost more than the one month subscription to most sites. :doh:

Oh the stories I could tell... but won't because I'm sober.


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## lovelocs (Aug 8, 2011)

Broadside said:


> Paid for plenty of lap dances, those cost more than the one month subscription to most sites. :doh:
> 
> Oh the stories I could tell... but won't because I'm sober.



Then we need to get you drunk and in front of a webcam...

My TMI is that I refuse to pay for porn, or log into a site, and can spend hours surfing for enough 30 second clips to get me "there."

THAT'S FOREPLAY, BABY!!!


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## pureeros (Aug 9, 2011)

This one time i had a bunch of beers with a few friends and we decided to get some taco bell...by the time we found one that was open i had to pee so bad i swear if my eyes started tearing i'd find it to be urine...so as soon as we get there i bolt to the door just as the girl there is locking up...i start begging and she says sorry they r closed inside only the drive thru is open so i nicely walk away go up to the drive thru and start telling this girl my order while daintily wizzing next to the drive thru speaker.


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 9, 2011)

Broadside said:


> I watch porn. I even had a subscription to a site at one point, on more than one occasion.



n00b. You don't pay for porn! You make it >P


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## pureeros (Aug 9, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> n00b. You don't pay for porn! You make it >P




Very well stated! Touche!


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## ManBeef (Aug 9, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> n00b. You don't pay for porn! You make it >P



OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!!! +quickly starts fapping to the idea of subscribing to my own home made porn site+


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## Broadside (Aug 9, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> n00b. You don't pay for porn! You make it >P



I have no one to make porn with. 

...unless I did the solo thing I guess, but I don't know anyone that wants to watch me fappin' on camera. Well at least no voiced requests anyway. Do BHM's do porn?


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 9, 2011)

Broadside said:


> I have no one to make porn with.




<__< I could fix that little conundrum.


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## Lil BigginZ (Aug 9, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> <__< I could fix that little conundrum.



long swim


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## ManBeef (Aug 9, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> <__< I could fix that little conundrum.



Damn broskiis you bouts to get PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL. Cyber style... Bow ch bow bow bow bwowowowow. I don't do the bow chika bow wow


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## Broadside (Aug 9, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> <__< I could fix that little conundrum.



:huh: :blush:

I'll bring the sock puppets.


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## Fat Brian (Aug 9, 2011)

Broadside said:


> Do BHM's do porn?



I'm sure some do but mostly other dudes watch it. On Tiffany Cushinberry's site Andi has some solo vids I think but I'm not sure who the intended audience is.


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 10, 2011)

Broadside said:


> :huh: :blush:
> 
> I'll bring the sock puppets.



Screw them sock puppets. <//<


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## idontspeakespn (Aug 10, 2011)

I have a fantasy of having the hottest, dirtiest, borderline-illegal-breaking-the-bed-we're-rocking-it-so-hard sex with the man I love (who I'm not with, at all), and then having his girlfriend walk in on us. And I wouldn't feel a bit sorry, in fact, I'm sure I would come all the harder if she did walk in on us. 

It's the worst thought I've ever had. I can only JUST pretend to be sorry about it. And if given the chance, I'd fuck him right now. And hope to God she walks in.


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## Broadside (Aug 10, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Screw them sock puppets. <//<



Is that the kind of porn you want to see?


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## Amaranthine (Aug 10, 2011)

Broadside said:


> :huh: :blush:
> 
> I'll bring the sock puppets.





Broadside said:


> Is that the kind of porn you want to see?



Rule 34. I'm sure it's already out there, and I'm sure someone's already fapped to it. Regardless, I kind of want to look now.


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## rellis10 (Aug 11, 2011)

Amaranthine said:


> Rule 34. I'm sure it's already out there, and I'm sure someone's already fapped to it. Regardless, I kind of want to look now.



Even sock puppets need some action now and then


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 11, 2011)

TMI: Taking a doodoo today after work and then I got called and good lord I pray the lady didn't hear I was there before I told her if she could call back later.

I mean, seriously, timing?!


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## pureeros (Aug 11, 2011)

rellis10 said:


> Even sock puppets need some action now and then





isnt that why we stick our hands up their bums and make them say and do dirty things?


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 11, 2011)

Broadside said:


> Is that the kind of porn you want to see?



Only if you'll be my sockpuppet .w.


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## Tad (Aug 11, 2011)

New office location is close enough that occasionally I can make it home for lunch. When my wife is also home. When the boy is not home.

(Funny how much more caffeine I need in the afternoon on those days)


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## Fat Brian (Aug 11, 2011)

I've resisted posting this picture but you guys asked for it by your continuous banter about puppet sex. Just remember, its all your fault.

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u134/FatBrian81/fail/083110-kermit-prolapse.jpg


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## pureeros (Aug 11, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> I've resisted posting this picture but you guys asked for it by your continuous banter about puppet sex. Just remember, its all your fault.
> 
> http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u134/FatBrian81/fail/083110-kermit-prolapse.jpg




is that a catalina wine mixer?


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## FishCharming (Aug 11, 2011)

Tad said:


> New office location is close enough that occasionally I can make it home for lunch. When my wife is also home. When the boy is not home.
> 
> (Funny how much more caffeine I need in the afternoon on those days)



i tried to give you afternoon delight rep but apparently i need to spread it around more, lol


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## CastingPearls (Aug 11, 2011)

Tad said:


> New office location is close enough that occasionally I can make it home for lunch. When my wife is also home. When the boy is not home.
> 
> (Funny how much more caffeine I need in the afternoon on those days)


Niiiiiiiiice.


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## lovelocs (Aug 11, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> I've resisted posting this picture but you guys asked for it by your continuous banter about puppet sex. Just remember, its all your fault.
> 
> http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u134/FatBrian81/fail/083110-kermit-prolapse.jpg



i died inside. i cried inside.

Also, I can't get full or motivated. Progesterone is a helluva drug


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 12, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> I've resisted posting this picture but you guys asked for it by your continuous banter about puppet sex. Just remember, its all your fault.
> 
> http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u134/FatBrian81/fail/083110-kermit-prolapse.jpg



He did that because Miss Piggy was being a bish.
That guy has needs too, no need to mock him for it


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## CleverBomb (Aug 14, 2011)

FishCharming said:


> i tried to give you afternoon delight rep but apparently i need to spread it around more, lol


And I can't give you Starland Vocal Band rep either. 

-Rusty


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## femaleseat (Aug 14, 2011)

omg, is this thread entertaining!!!!!!!!!


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## LeoGibson (Aug 14, 2011)

rellis10 said:


> Even sock puppets need some action now and then



That kinda describes my teenage relationships.My socks got so much DNA you'd have thought I was running a crime lab.But I never did put button eyes on them though,the red lips were enough.Button eyes would have been creepy.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Aug 14, 2011)

femaleseat said:


> omg, is this thread entertaining!!!!!!!!!



see what happens when you don't post?


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## femaleseat (Aug 14, 2011)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> see what happens when you don't post?



uh huh....


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## Broadside (Aug 14, 2011)

I didn't do anything I needed to do on Saturday, and instead spent it IM'ing. So today when I went out, I did two things. 

1.) I bought clean clothes because it's raining and I didn't want to carry clean laundry through the rain to my apartment.

2.) Everything I did today, I did "commando". That's right, the only thing between me and the rest of the world was a pair of slacks. It was refreshing.


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## HDANGEL15 (Aug 15, 2011)

Broadside said:


> 2.) Everything I did today, I did "commando". That's right, the only thing between me and the rest of the world was a pair of slacks. It was refreshing.


*
i have lived commando for a decade or so.....it just is*


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 15, 2011)

Broadside said:


> I didn't do anything I needed to do on Saturday, and instead spent it IM'ing.





-tries to look innocent-


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## Zandoz (Aug 15, 2011)

Broadside said:


> 2.) Everything I did today, I did "commando". That's right, the only thing between me and the rest of the world was a pair of slacks. It was refreshing.



Most things I do most days are done nekkid  ....especially when hot out (no AC in my room)


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## Broadside (Aug 15, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> -tries to look innocent-



Don't try _too_ hard.


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## ManBeef (Aug 16, 2011)

I fapped SOOOOO much today that I got like a lil cut on my dong. Now it hurts to fap... I should stop. Oh well, should doesn't mean I'm gonna


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## Melian (Aug 16, 2011)

ManBeef said:


> I fapped SOOOOO much today that I got like a lil cut on my dong. Now it hurts to fap... I should stop. Oh well, should doesn't mean I'm gonna



I feel like tomorrow there's going to be something in the news about a guy who fapped himself to death.


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## Paquito (Aug 16, 2011)

He died the way he arrived: in an explosion of sperm.


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## Zowie (Aug 16, 2011)

Paquito said:


> He died the way he arrived: in an explosion of sperm.



If people had that sort of thing on their tombstones, I'd love going to the cemetery.


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## LeoGibson (Aug 16, 2011)

So he was exactly the same going and coming?


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## Melian (Aug 16, 2011)

Paquito said:


> He died the way he arrived: in an explosion of sperm.



I don't know about that. You'd think that by the time he hit death-fap stage he'd be shooting blanks. Death would result from extreme dehydration, electrolyte loss and organ (ha!) failure.

Although, explosion is funnier.


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## Jess87 (Aug 16, 2011)

The first time I masturbated was while watching Dudley Do-Right. It wasn't the film version, even though Alfred Molina was pretty hot as Snidley.


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## ManBeef (Aug 17, 2011)

Melian said:


> I feel like tomorrow there's going to be something in the news about a guy who fapped himself to death.



Would you attend my funeral? :wubu:


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## ManBeef (Aug 17, 2011)

Paquito said:


> He died the way he arrived: in an explosion of sperm.



It was more of a trickle, less of an explosion


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## Melian (Aug 17, 2011)

ManBeef said:


> Would you attend my funeral? :wubu:



Hells yeah. I'd deliver the eulogy!

"He was a man of many wanks...."


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## Lil BigginZ (Aug 17, 2011)

Melian said:


> Hells yeah. I'd deliver the eulogy!
> 
> "He was a man of many wanks...."



he was a real handyman...


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## MrBob (Aug 17, 2011)

He came...and then he went....

Actually I want my funeral to be something like this :-

http://youtu.be/eP7LHHR91lE


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## FishCharming (Aug 17, 2011)

He lived a life of passion... mostly for himself


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## JulieD (Aug 17, 2011)

...He lived a life full of ups and downs. Never being afraid of handling things when they got to hard...


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## cakeboy (Aug 17, 2011)

A dedicated do-it-yourselfer who never missed an opportunity to give himself a hand. Sorely missed by staffers at Kleenex and hand lotion manufacturers everywhere!


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## ManBeef (Aug 18, 2011)

Melian said:


> Hells yeah. I'd deliver the eulogy!
> 
> "He was a man of many wanks...."



LOL... You made me feel special



Lil BigginZ said:


> he was a real handyman...



I'm good with "tools"



FishCharming said:


> He lived a life of passion... mostly for himself



I laughed so hard my hand hit my face as I tried to cover my mouth



JulieD said:


> ...He lived a life full of ups and downs. Never being afraid of handling things when they got to hard...



Then I read this && choke on either saliva or a crazy man nectar shot 



cakeboy said:


> A dedicated do-it-yourselfer who never missed an opportunity to give himself a hand. Sorely missed by staffers at Kleenex and hand lotion manufacturers everywhere!



At this point I feel so much love that I had an emotional orgasm... ILY all... Oh so much... Sooo much


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## ManBeef (Aug 18, 2011)

MrBob said:


> He came...and then he went....
> 
> Actually I want my funeral to be something like this :-
> 
> http://youtu.be/eP7LHHR91lE



LOL!!! I just saw this


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Aug 19, 2011)

This is all that needs to be said.


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## Broadside (Aug 19, 2011)

I love Louie.


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## Lil BigginZ (Aug 19, 2011)

MaryElizabethAntoinette said:


> This is all that needs to be said.



the video for it was hilarious (not sure if you seen it or not, it was on red eye). i know it's fake but the sad thing is i'm sure there is a group of people out there who are like that lol.


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## HappieHungryHippo (Aug 19, 2011)

BEST. THREAD. EVER.



idontspeakespn said:


> I have a fantasy of having the hottest, dirtiest, borderline-illegal-breaking-the-bed-we're-rocking-it-so-hard sex with the man I love (who I'm not with, at all), and then having his girlfriend walk in on us. And I wouldn't feel a bit sorry, in fact, I'm sure I would come all the harder if she did walk in on us.
> 
> It's the worst thought I've ever had. I can only JUST pretend to be sorry about it. And if given the chance, I'd fuck him right now. And hope to God she walks in.



I have an issue like that with someone I know. Something about him makes me think that way. I finally admitted it to him after so many years, even telling him I wanted to do it in his bed next to his girlfriend when she was sleeping, and I wanted to ruin every relationship he ever hoped to be in just by making him want me that much... and then I ended our friendship. I would hate to hurt him that way... I would have no control over myself if I ever got the chance to do so. Not sure if that was the best thing for me to do (ending the friendship) but it's all I could think of.


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## *Goofy*Girl* (Aug 20, 2011)

My brand new vibrator broke WHILE I WAS USING IT!!! I am so pissed. The sex toy shop said no refunds either.


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## Lil BigginZ (Aug 20, 2011)

*Goofy*Girl* said:


> My brand new vibrator broke WHILE I WAS USING IT!!! I am so pissed. The sex toy shop said no refunds either.



haha i would hope they wouldn't return it after use lol. that's gotta suck though


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## Broadside (Aug 20, 2011)

*Goofy*Girl* said:


> My brand new vibrator broke WHILE I WAS USING IT!!! I am so pissed. The sex toy shop said no refunds either.



Buzzkill!

...couldn't resist.


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## ManBeef (Aug 20, 2011)

!!!TRUE FUCKIN STORY!!!

So last night I was pulling my pork as usual, watching some crazy Asian love makin && what not. I had lubed up because I was using my Atomic Bomb of toys. (1 minute relief) Well I ended up going so nutso with a gusto that the toy slipped all crazy like && sprung into the air due to lubey hands then fell && hit me in the face. Though my eye had never blinked this smoothly, lube in the eye.... not fun. Best part? I didn't get to finish... Oy Vey


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Aug 23, 2011)

ManBeef said:


> !!!TRUE FUCKIN STORY!!!
> 
> So last night I was pulling my pork as usual, watching some crazy Asian love makin && what not. I had lubed up because I was using my Atomic Bomb of toys. (1 minute relief) Well I ended up going so nutso with a gusto that the toy slipped all crazy like && sprung into the air due to lubey hands then fell && hit me in the face. Though my eye had never blinked this smoothly, lube in the eye.... not fun. Best part? I didn't get to finish... Oy Vey



It's like a friggin' slap stick silent movie. 

That's all I can think of... all this happening in black & white with old style music in the background and no other sounds.
Obviously the climax of the old school hilariousness would be when you smack yourself in the face with your lubed-up sex toy... then it pans to your injured eye and you shrug to the camera while the music goes, "Wehhhh waaaahhh" and the screen goes to text that says, "Oy Vey!" in fancy old school font.


End.


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## SlightlyMorbid (Aug 23, 2011)

ManBeef said:


> !!!TRUE FUCKIN STORY!!!
> 
> So last night I was pulling my pork as usual, watching some crazy Asian love makin && what not. I had lubed up because I was using my Atomic Bomb of toys. (1 minute relief) Well I ended up going so nutso with a gusto that the toy slipped all crazy like && sprung into the air due to lubey hands then fell && hit me in the face. Though my eye had never blinked this smoothly, lube in the eye.... not fun. Best part? I didn't get to finish... Oy Vey




I have to agree with Mary there, I can totally imagine this Oliver and Hardy or Benny Hill theme to go along with it as well.


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## Sasquatch! (Aug 23, 2011)

*Goofy*Girl* said:


> My brand new vibrator broke WHILE I WAS USING IT!!! I am so pissed. The sex toy shop said no refunds either.



It's not exactly as though they can repurpose it though, is it? Try a washing machine.


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## ManBeef (Aug 24, 2011)

MaryElizabethAntoinette said:


> It's like a friggin' slap stick silent movie.
> 
> That's all I can think of... all this happening in black & white with old style music in the background and no other sounds.
> Obviously the climax of the old school hilariousness would be when you smack yourself in the face with your lubed-up sex toy... then it pans to your injured eye and you shrug to the camera while the music goes, "Wehhhh waaaahhh" and the screen goes to text that says, "Oy Vey!" in fancy old school font.
> ...





SlightlyMorbid said:


> I have to agree with Mary there, I can totally imagine this Oliver and Hardy or Benny Hill theme to go along with it as well.



I swear after it all happened the one thought that ran through my mind && what my friend said was WAH WAH!!! We make that noise for all our failures. 
I could so see that whole lil movie playing in my head. LOL!!! Oh the hilarity you just added to it!!! Thankies


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## Broadside (Aug 24, 2011)

I couldn't sleep last night, and probably whacked it seven separate times in an attempt to fall asleep. It didn't start working until around 8am. Until then I was just in and out of consciousness between forced orgasms.


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## *Goofy*Girl* (Aug 25, 2011)

I ate waaay too much fruit yesterday.
So, naturally, I took a massive shit today. But it wasn't my usual massive-type shit. It was like a really long, thick log about the size of my forearm. 
And really compacted, too. It just would not go down the toilet.

Finally, I got a big fork (I would then throw out) and stuck it in the log, trying to cut it up into little pieces so it could go down the toilet, because there is no way I'm reaching my hand in there & lifting it out.

So then I flush...and pray it goes down. Stuck again, I broke it up into smaller pieces w/ the fork & flushed a couple of times then it finally went down, but only after...ooops...the water comes up and up and over the toilet, flooding the bathroom floor. Gross!

So, then I had to clean, bleach & disinfect the entire bathroom floor. Ugh, I feel like I'm going to puke again as I type this.

Anybody have any solutions if this happens again?


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## ManBeef (Aug 25, 2011)

*Goofy*Girl* said:


> I ate waaay too much fruit yesterday.
> So, naturally, I took a massive shit today. But it wasn't my usual massive-type shit. It was like a really long, thick log about the size of my forearm.
> And really compacted, too. It just would not go down the toilet.
> 
> ...



Yuh pick that there son'a bitch up out that thar toilet like a bastard child out the kiddie pool && yuh toss'er into the blender. Hit the milkshake setting if yuh gots it.


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## KingBoo (Sep 1, 2011)

I peed on myself


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## SlightlyMorbid (Sep 1, 2011)

*Goofy*Girl* said:


> I ate waaay too much fruit yesterday.
> So, naturally, I took a massive shit today. But it wasn't my usual massive-type shit. It was like a really long, thick log about the size of my forearm.
> And really compacted, too. It just would not go down the toilet.
> 
> ...



Get a bigger toilet? I really don't know but yeah. ew really TMI


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## djudex (Sep 1, 2011)

Ever since I hurt my back my balls are sore if I sit too long.

There's no justice in this world!


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## Captain Save (Sep 1, 2011)

*Goofy*Girl* said:


> I ate waaay too much fruit yesterday.
> So, naturally, I took a massive shit today. But it wasn't my usual massive-type shit. It was like a really long, thick log about the size of my forearm.
> And really compacted, too. It just would not go down the toilet.
> 
> ...



Boil a gallon of water and pour it in the toilet slowly to avoid injury. Leave it there for a little while until Rosemary's baby there softens up, 15 minutes or so. The longer it sits in hot water the more it softens up, so if you need to repeat the process it will eventually get the job done. As long as you don't flush more than once before the water subsides, you shouldn't have to clean the floor again. Sure, it's TMI, but that's what the thread is for, right?

Hope this helps!


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## *Goofy*Girl* (Sep 3, 2011)

Captain Save said:


> Boil a gallon of water and pour it in the toilet slowly to avoid injury. Leave it there for a little while until Rosemary's baby there softens up, 15 minutes or so. The longer it sits in hot water the more it softens up, so if you need to repeat the process it will eventually get the job done. As long as you don't flush more than once before the water subsides, you shouldn't have to clean the floor again. Sure, it's TMI, but that's what the thread is for, right?
> 
> Hope this helps!




Thanks for the tip! I'll try it next time.


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## cakeboy (Sep 3, 2011)

Use warm water as opposed to boiling water. If you melt the wax seal around the bottom of your toilet, you're in for a bigger mess.


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## ManBeef (Sep 4, 2011)

Fuck water of the warmer kind. Next time Benjamin Button pays a watery visit, HIT HIS ASS WITH A HAND MIXER!!! INSTANT SUCCESS!!! CHA CHA


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## KittyKitten (Sep 4, 2011)

I'm a horny chick and I think about sex 100000000 a day.


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## Broadside (Sep 4, 2011)

I joined a porn video site a while back and every now and then I'll download some content I think I might enjoy. It started as a "reserve porn" folder just in case my cable went out and I was feeling horny, and it has now grown into a ~25 gig wing of the spank bank.


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## Lil BigginZ (Sep 4, 2011)

Broadside said:


> I joined a porn video site a while back and every now and then I'll download some content I think I might enjoy. It started as a "reserve porn" folder just in case my cable went out and I was feeling horny, and it has now grown into a ~25 gig wing of the spank bank.



with the porn streaming sites now you never EVER have to download porn. and now with the smart phone's, most of them work well with the streaming sites. just saying...


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## project219 (Sep 5, 2011)

My balls just itched insanely so, took about 15 minutes to get them sufficiently satisfied.


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## Melian (Sep 6, 2011)

Lil BigginZ said:


> with the porn streaming sites now you never EVER have to download porn. and now with the smart phone's, most of them work well with the streaming sites. just saying...



It's true. And then you don't to have all those telltale thumbnails of horse cocks and receptive goats hidden in a folder marked "xmas recipes."

Er....


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## BLK360 (Sep 6, 2011)

Melian said:


> It's true. And then you don't to have all those telltale thumbnails of horse cocks and receptive goats hidden in a folder marked "xmas recipes."
> 
> Er....



She has a point, similar situation ruined my Christmas last year.


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## ManBeef (Sep 6, 2011)

Melian said:


> It's true. And then you don't to have all those telltale thumbnails of horse cocks and receptive goats hidden in a folder marked "xmas recipes."
> 
> Er....



THIS ALSO RUINED THE DONKEY SHOW!!! I miss you Senor Heehaa


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## ManBeef (Sep 6, 2011)

So my son goes to the bathroom && comes right out && asked me with a serious face... "Daddy, did you eat corn?" BUUUUUSTED!!!


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## J34 (Sep 7, 2011)

Remember to check your flash drive before lending it to anyone. :doh:


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## survivalisfutile (Sep 28, 2011)

"having paused the DVR to begin a round of furious masterbation, our protagonist was both amused and ashamed as barack obama stared disgustingly at his junk while addressing a joint session of congress."

dont ask why I didn't turn it off, it took me a minute before I even looked up at the TV... so its not like I whack of to obama or anything... even though I am a democrat.


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## *Goofy*Girl* (Sep 29, 2011)

Why oh why do I have to have such a heavy flow?
I can never wear light colors during my period.


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## KittyKitten (Sep 29, 2011)

Obama is a P.I.L.F


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Sep 29, 2011)

happyface83 said:


> Obama is a P.I.L.F



Agreed. . . .


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## imfree (Sep 29, 2011)

WTF, could be TMI! Crush Whines has gone where?


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## Melian (Sep 29, 2011)

Probably deleted for being redundant. This thread is next.


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## HDANGEL15 (Sep 29, 2011)

Melian said:


> Probably deleted for being redundant. This thread is next.



*ROFLMAO......seriously....true 

but while we are on the subject....I have been slowly changing my diet....and 

1/ removed all DAIRY
2/ removed all processed foods

and I have become very *REGULAR* *


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## Paquito (Sep 29, 2011)

Look at your life choices, people. LOOK AT THEM


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## imfree (Sep 29, 2011)

Paquito said:


> Look at your life choices, people. LOOK AT THEM



WOW!!!, just like Direct TV, Comcast Cable, Network TV, and all the mindless others, Dimm's (dim, aren't we?) is 105 channels with nothing worth the bother to watch!!!:doh: WTF???


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## Lil BigginZ (Sep 29, 2011)

I always get a weird look when people find out my favorite porn star is Bridget the Midget.


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## Ninja Glutton (Sep 29, 2011)

Melian said:


> Probably deleted for being redundant. This thread is next.



I keep all my horse cocks in plain view. How dare you try and obscure them.


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## PamelaLois (Oct 2, 2011)

SlightlyMorbid said:


> Hiroshima butt.



*HOF *






Hole On Fire


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## LeoGibson (Oct 2, 2011)

Lil BigginZ said:


> I always get a weird look when people find out my favorite porn star is Bridget the Midget.



I know huh. There's just something whimsical about her.


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