# Resentment?



## Flutterby68 (Oct 6, 2009)

Do you ladies ever resent the fact that some people have the metabolism to eat whatever they want and not gain an once, where if YOU even SMELL the same thing they ate you gain 15 lbs? at least, that's how it seems.


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## Teleute (Oct 6, 2009)

No, but I really like my body and shape, so I don't see it as a terrible thing. What I DO hate is when someone who has a crazy-fast metabolism like that talks about how all fat people are lazy pigs, because it shows a) they find the fat itself unattractive to the point of demonizing it, and b) they lack the ability to understand that other people's bodies might respond differently than their own.


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## Fascinita (Oct 6, 2009)

No. Never have, even during my feeble attempts at dieting (now long over.)


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## littlefairywren (Oct 6, 2009)

It did bother me when I was younger, say in my 20's. But not anymore, I am pretty comfy with how things are.


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## mossystate (Oct 6, 2009)

Nah. I mean, I get pangs of wishing for many things. At the end of the day, all I can do is remember that we are all different...and that I do have _some_ choice in the matter/s.


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## Tania (Oct 7, 2009)

Sometimes I wish I had a crazy-fast metabolism, but it's not something I do a lot of fist-shaking over. Nowadays, it's average. Back in 2001 I feared that the eating disorders had screwed it up, but I quickly realized that the depakote I'd been misprescribed was primarily to blame. Once I ceased taking the medication in late 2003, the weight I'd gained started coming off.


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## Tracy (Oct 7, 2009)

Teleute said:


> What I DO hate is when someone who has a crazy-fast metabolism like that talks about how all fat people are lazy pigs, because it shows a) they find the fat itself unattractive to the point of demonizing it, and b) they lack the ability to understand that other people's bodies might respond differently than their own.



Could not have said it better myself.


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## Keb (Oct 7, 2009)

Sometimes, a little--just the other day my boss (who is Korean and tiny) and I were in total disagreement about whether 80 degrees F was an appropriate temperature for the office. I was sweating, and she was telling me how wonderful and pleasant it was. (It's not usually that hot, for the record, or I'd never manage to teach.) My frustrated response? Curse Asian metabolism.

(Yes, I actually said that to a coworker.)

It's more frustrating when you do get the people with normal or overactive metabolisms going on about how hard they diet and work to be thin, while I know full well that the exact same level of food intake and excercise would probably not take a pound off my body. When it becomes a moral superiority thing, it hurts. 

I know full well that it's like comparing eyesight or hearing (I wear both glasses and hearing aids), and it'd be quite easy for me to shoot someone down who suggested having 20/20 vision or perfect hearing was morally better than what I have and was born with. I've even found advantages to my "disability" that I can point out, like an ability to read lips.

And yet, when it comes to weight, it's like I can't win. It becomes my fault, something I could just change if I -really- wanted to. Never mind that my really wanting to would probably have to involve outlays of time, effort, and money that I just don't have. Never mind that it would be twenty times harder for me than for someone who just wants to drop the 10 pounds that magazines are full of tips for. 

Oh, and when those people with the quick metabolisms who think I should lose weight -also- happen to be feeders who want to see everyone eating (my tiny boss isn't judgemental, but does do the feeder thing), it's even more confusing. "Eat this, but don't gain any weight!" 

I know it's not entirely their fault; they didn't ask to be blessed with their genes any more than I did, and they didn't create a culture that worships the bodies they happen to have and tells them what good little girls and boys they are for having them. (Actually, the guys with the quick metabolisms tend to suffer a bit--too thin is treated as a negative for them. But it seems like a girl almost -can't- be too thin.)


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## Ruffie (Oct 7, 2009)

When I was younger it was an issue. I had a friend in high school who could eat a full dinner roast, potatoes and gravy, salads, bread and such and then an hour and a half later a full plate of appetizers when we would go for coffee with friends. This gal was so skinny you could see her ribs yet ate like a horse and it was genetic as her family all thin and petite. Used to piss me off cause I ate half of what she did(was still dieting back then) and exercised(she didn't) and still was fat.

As I gave up the diets and started on the road to self acceptance I also gave up the judgments that went along with self hatred. I would be lying if I said that I don't wish that I had been blessed with the "skinny gene" as it would make my life quite a bit easier, however this is the body I have and I have to live in it.


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## Vespertine (Oct 8, 2009)

I love these types of people. They are more proof that every person's body is unique and mysterious and can't be completely understood by science yet. 

I have several very good friends who are like this. I know it could easily be otherwise, but they are some of the most size accepting people I know. The ones I know get plenty of size discrimination sent their way, from difficulty in finding clothes to diet advice from random strangers. I think of them as kind of a mirror to myself in a lot of ways, they also can't help how their body is entirely.


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## Jes (Oct 8, 2009)

It's interesting...I've never once thought about this really, or been bothered by it. I think I've noticed that some people have very effective metabolisms (metaboli?) but those things tend to change, as well. Everyone has to learn to accept how his or her body functions, I think, and so it's not a 'me v. them' thing, it's an everyone thing, in my mind.


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## Fat.n.sassy (Oct 8, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> Do you ladies ever resent the fact that some people have the metabolism to eat whatever they want and not gain an once, where if YOU even SMELL the same thing they ate you gain 15 lbs? at least, that's how it seems.



I absolutely felt that way when I was younger. (even not much younger!) Now, however, I realize we are all just different folks. I wasn't born to have the body of a thin woman. I came out fat and tried to fight it for 30 some odd years. 'I is what I is' :happy:


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## superodalisque (Oct 9, 2009)

nope i don't hold any resentment because i don't covet a thinner body. that has nothing to do with critiquing people who'd rather be smaller. everyone has thier own image of themselves and they are different. thats just not my own personal reality. 

i worry about the idea that pounds just seemingly jump on. even if you have a chemical imbalance or some other issue those really don't account for the amount of weight that would make someone a BBW rather than just plump. i was speaking to an endocrinologist about my thyroid condition and even someone at my weight ( SSBBW) most problems only account for a 20 - 30lb difference. i'm not saying this to be argumentative. i just think its important for people to admit to eating more calories than they use , being relatively inactive and being real about that. often people delude themselves about how many calories they do consume. thats why nutritionists insist on a diary. its easy to have one idea about how much you eat in your head but thats usually a lot different from whats actually happening. its a good exercise to just see it in black ad white since we forget or sometimes even shove the amounts of what we eat to the backs of our minds if we don't feel comfortable facing it yet. 

i think we have to be careful about making excuses about how much we weight. its the other end of beating ourselves up for the amount of food that we do consume. i feel metabolism concerns are often a cover for a lot of people who don't want to admit to themselves that they eat a lot. i feel its ok that a person does eat a lot. i don't think it should be shameful. i feel that shame and guilt make it harder for people to master what it is they want to control. hopefully we're beginning to escape that trap and feel real and free and not so ashamed that we have to hide who we really are--even from ourselves. i know that a big reason for people hiding the amounts or trying to reduce the impression of how much they eat has a lot to do with the prejudice they feel out in the world. most people don't want to feel like an example of the "wooo she eats a lot" stereotype. but at some point i think it might be healthier for fat women as a whole if they embrace the reality of how much they eat and are open and ok with it. 

i eat healthily most of the time but i eat a lot. i consume more than i use. and even though i have endocrine issues most of my weight comes from how much i eat. its very hard for a body to make fat from no calories. also i know a lot of people who are thinner than i am are also more active. i'm cool with that because its my reality. i don't look outward and compare what might have been because i am me. if i really wanted to be thin i'd just make the sacrifices and do it no matter what my metabolism was. i'm not stuck and i hope if anyone else feels stuck they know that change in any direction is possible. i hope no one feels they have to be fat out of hopelessness. i hope everyone knows and feels it is thier own personal choice. we have power to be fat or thin no matter what our metabolism is or what other challenges we face. it just depends on whether we are emotionally ready yet or not. its easy for us to put up roadblocks and denial is a big one that a lot of us have surrounding all kinds of different issues. its just a protection until we are ready to consider seriously what we want and feeling our worthiness to have whatever that is. i don't think anything is truly beyond our control when we are ready. but having said that, i'm very happy to see it when women are accepting of who they honestly are metabolism and all. thats peace. i'm so happy to see so much of it right here.


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## Jes (Oct 12, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> . i know that a big reason for people hiding the amounts or trying to reduce the impression of how much they eat has a lot to do with the prejudice they feel out in the world. most people don't want to feel like an example of the "wooo she eats a lot" stereotype. but at some point i think it might be healthier for fat women as a whole if they embrace the reality of how much they eat and are open and ok with it.
> 
> .



This was beautifully said, Super. I agree wholeheartedly.


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## ashmamma84 (Oct 12, 2009)

I agree with Supero's sentiments as well. Honesty with self is always the best policy, though painful as it may be sometimes.


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## Flutterby68 (Oct 12, 2009)

I think part of the reason that I resent it so much is the simple fact that I don't WANT to be a BBW, and wish I were thinner. *sigh*


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## mergirl (Oct 12, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> I think part of the reason that I resent it so much is the simple fact that I don't WANT to be a BBW, and wish I were thinner. *sigh*


What do you think would be better about you if you were thinner? Do you want to be thinner because you would/could do more things or do you just think you would look better? 
Maby the women with the quick metabolisms or the ones who eat less have things about themselves they would like to change too, maby even physically. 
I have heard a lot of stories about women who wanted so bad to be thin because they thought when that happened they would be happy and do x y and z.. and when they got thin nothing had changed except for thier bodies and they realised that actually that didnt make them happy.


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## Flutterby68 (Oct 12, 2009)

I want to be thinner for several reasons. One is, of course, for my health. I have a lot of obesity related health issues.

The main reason, though, is because I would look better. I simply don't find fat to be attractive - at least not a fat ME. I'm a size 22 now, and I am MUCH happier and feel much more attractive at a size 14. Smaller than that and I am literally stick-thin and sickly. I have NEVER wanted to be fat, but my metabolism, hatred for exercise, and my eating habits made it difficult for me to stay small... and pregnancies made it that much more so. So... I'm fat and unhappy about it, and HAVE been for many years. One day I'm sure I'll get fed up (no pun intended) enough to finally sweat off the pounds and eat rice cakes, but that hasn't happened yet.


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## Tina (Oct 14, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> I think part of the reason that I resent it so much is the simple fact that I don't WANT to be a BBW, and wish I were thinner. *sigh*


The thing I'm wondering is what you feel you can get -- or would like to get -- from a site like Dimensions. Are you hoping to come to a place in your life hwere you can love your body, fat and all?


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## BBW4Chattery (Oct 14, 2009)

Tina said:


> The thing I'm wondering is what you feel you can get -- or would like to get -- from a site like Dimensions. Are you hoping to come to a place in your life hwere you can love your body, fat and all?



Well, only speaking for myself, I'm thrilled to be back here for the "sisterhood"... even if only virtual. I have NO overweight friends. I have no one to go to for fashion advice, relationship concerns, body issues, or whatever. I'm literally giddy just reading all of the posts and being immersed among a group of similar folks... at least on at least one dimension (pun intended, I guess) of our lives.

Being obese is the only life I've ever known... and despite my autoimmune stuff, I'm a healthy fat person, have always been active and loved life, and have never felt that I was treated overtly differently because of my size. The few obese girlfriends I've had in my life had opposite views and blamed everything that went wrong on their size... I've never had a positive communal fat-experience other than my current/previous time with people from this group.

I don't need the companionship in order to love or appreciate myself more... but I think this place gives me permission to love myself outloud. I mean, I'm a fairly conceited fat chick and I smile in every mirror I see just because I love the way I look (literally, I once broke my toe because I was watching myself smile into a mirror and walking at the same time)... 

Off of this website, even if my friends love me, most of them take the attitude that I shouldn't love myself as I am... no one is cruel about it but I've never had a friend that wasn't asking me to the gym (as if I wasn't capable of going on my own), going on whatever diet, etc. They equate a thinner me with a better me... and never even ask how I feel about it.

I'm here to be me. I'm here to talk about how I want to be smaller for my own health reasons. I'm here to talk about sizing clothes appropriately. I'm here to get ideas about how to fix my hair. I'm here to be inspired by all of the ladies who haven't let their size slow them down. I'm here to enjoy being me in a way I can't fully enjoy it in the real world. 

Society blames fat people for a lot of stuff and even if I haven't felt it directly... it's all around me all the time. It's on the news; just this week stories about state health plans charging the obese twice as much for insurance as those of normal weight starting next year. It's in my home; my family are of normal-chubby size and constantly comment on how every sneeze, ache, or upset tummy is because of "how I eat" even though I'm the only one in the family who actually watches what they eat/cooks/enjoys veggies/fruits/whole grains on the daily. It was even in my classroom with constant social sciences professors going on and on about the poor behavioral choices of the obese.

Ugh. Ok, end soapbox, but that's why I'm here... just to have fun and not worry about who is might be offended that I'm actually a happy, self-aware, self-loving chick.


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## Flutterby68 (Oct 14, 2009)

Tina said:


> The thing I'm wondering is what you feel you can get -- or would like to get -- from a site like Dimensions. Are you hoping to come to a place in your life hwere you can love your body, fat and all?



Good heavens no... if I ever got to the point where I loved my body, fat and all, it would be time for me to give up. I'm so incredibly unhealthy like this. For me, the main reason to be here is the knowledge that there ARE men out there that not only like big women, but prefer them. 

I may not have been fat for my entire life, but I've had PLENTY of men tell me they'd be happy to have sex with me but not date me due to size. I figure if they don't want me fat, then I don't want them when thin- I deserve better.
It's the same with friendships. People who constantly belittle me for my weight are NOT the kind of people that I want to be around. That doesn't happen here. 

I know there has to be some other women here who live happy lives as BBWs but still wish they were NOT BBWs. I can't be the only one. I DO have a happy life for the most part... and I am not ASHAMED of my weight. But I am not proud of it either.


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## mergirl (Oct 14, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> Good heavens no... if I ever got to the point where I loved my body, fat and all, it would be time for me to give up. I'm so incredibly unhealthy like this. For me, the main reason to be here is the knowledge that there ARE men out there that not only like big women, but prefer them.
> 
> I may not have been fat for my entire life, but I've had PLENTY of men tell me they'd be happy to have sex with me but not date me due to size. I figure if they don't want me fat, then I don't want them when thin- I deserve better.
> It's the same with friendships. People who constantly belittle me for my weight are NOT the kind of people that I want to be around. That doesn't happen here.
> ...


You realise that the guys on here who prefer fat women might not still find you attractive if you did lose weight because of their preference. The reason i bring this up is because you seem determined to lose weight. I'm also wondering how it would feel to you on a psychological level to have someone Love (worship even) something about you that you, yourself seem to loath? 
The guys who wouldn't date you because of your size arn't just non fa's they are pricks!!! You are right you certainly do not deserve to be used by anyone like that, just as these kinna 'men' don't deserve oxygen!!
I am sure there are women on here that would prefer to be thinner for whatever reason, i think many though, if they find self acceptance can live a life where losing weight stops becoming as much of an obsession as it might have been before that.


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## Flutterby68 (Oct 14, 2009)

mergirl said:


> You realise that the guys on here who prefer fat women might not still find you attractive if you did lose weight because of their preference. The reason i bring this up is because you seem determined to lose weight. I'm also wondering how it would feel to you on a psychological level to have someone Love (worship even) something about you that you, yourself seem to loath?
> The guys who wouldn't date you because of your size arn't just non fa's they are pricks!!! You are right you certainly do not deserve to be used by anyone like that, just as these kinna 'men' don't deserve oxygen!!
> I am sure there are women on here that would prefer to be thinner for whatever reason, i think many though, if they find self acceptance can live a life where losing weight stops becoming as much of an obsession as it might have been before that.



Perhaps those same men on here would not find me attractive if I lost weight - but if that's the case, I would put them in the same category as the men who refused to date me BECAUSE I was fat. 

I find it sad that weight is such an issue at all, really. I've always believed that if you love ME, the person that I am, the skin I am in should be mere window dressing. 

However, I know that I would FEEL more attractive if I lost weight... and a lot of that would simply be due to the fact that many of my health problems would disappear (blood pressure, type II diabetes, cholesterol, etc.) and I wouldn't have constant back/shoulder/joint pain either. ALL those things would boost how attractive I feel because I would not feel as old and broken down as I do at this size.


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## mossystate (Oct 14, 2009)

mergirl said:


> > The guys who wouldn't date you because of your size arn't just non fa's they are pricks!!! You are right you certainly do not deserve to be used by anyone like that, just as these kinna 'men' don't deserve oxygen!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## lypeaches (Oct 14, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> Good heavens no... if I ever got to the point where I loved my body, fat and all, it would be time for me to give up. I'm so incredibly unhealthy like this. For me, the main reason to be here is the knowledge that there ARE men out there that not only like big women, but prefer them.
> 
> .



OK, this statement totally confuses me...because if you got to the place that you loved your body, how, exactly is that giving up? What are you giving up? Shame? Fear? Frustration? Feelings of unworthiness? It is ALWAYS worthwhile to learn to love your self and your body at whatever size it is at that moment. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay that size...but it means you make choices because you are worth it. Right now. Not 10 lbs, or 50 lbs or 100 lbs from now. Choose your life from a position of love, not fear and unhappiness. 

My 2 cents.


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## tinkerbell (Oct 14, 2009)

Sure it would make things easier at times if I did have a super fast metabolism. But I dont. And wishing for it, and getting upset over it, isn't worth it to me. 

I was unhappy with my body at 290+ lbs. And I was unhappy with my body when I was 17 and 175 lbs (and still a size 14!). As I've been losing weight, as unpopular as that is here, I've found that I'm no longer unhappy with my body (most of the time anyway). I'm happier now with my body than I was at my thinnest. 

I think its because I'm not focusing on how my body looks, but what it can _do_. And I've stopped comparing myself to other women. This is my body. I can either spend my life hating it, or not. And I'd rather not. And if I dont like something about it, change it. Which I'm doing. And its not that I HATE myself or my body, or that I hated it at 290. I just wasn't happy being that heavy. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

My reasons for continuing to lose weight, have more to do with the fact that the less I weigh, the easier it will be for me to do the activities that I love (running and biking), than the desire to be "Skinny". And its not like I'd ever be skinny anyway - and realizing that has helped ALOT. I dont aspire to be a size 0 or 5 or 8. 

Something in me changed this summer. I did things I never thought I could do. I ran a 5k. I ride mt biking trails. I rode 50 miles in one weekend. I love to be outdoors. I stooped caring about how I looked. I stopped caring what other people thought of me. I run outside in SHORTS!  And tanktops! I love how *strong* my body has become. And how strong I have become. I cant even describe how it felt when I made it up my first hill on a trail - or when I crossed the finish line at my 5k this summer. But I can say that my weight was the furthest thing from my mind. I felt so much pride, self love, self acceptance, happiness, and every other good feeling, in me. And I love that. And I feel like that whenever I make it up a hard hill or have a good run. 

Its ok to be skinny, and its ok to be fat, or somewhere in between. Whatever makes YOU happy. Not what makes other people happy. If a guy doesn't like you because you're too fat, too skinny, or too whatever, then he's not worth it. My husband has been with me at my thinnest, and my fattest. And has loved me through all of it. He found me attractive at 175, and at almost 300. He finds me sexy and attractive as I am now - stretch marks, sagging skin, deflated boobs and all. Because I'm still ME.


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## rainyday (Oct 14, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> Good heavens no... if I ever got to the point where I loved my body, fat and all, it would be time for me to give up. I'm so incredibly unhealthy like this. For me, the main reason to be here is the knowledge that there ARE men out there that not only like big women, but prefer them.



This is as confusing to me as it seems to be to everyone else. It seems to make no sense to be looking for men who prefer something you hope not to be.  I also don't get why you're looking for men when you've talked about being married, but maybe there's more to that part that we don't know/don't need to know. Sticking to the size issue here, it seems like you're setting not just yourself, but any man you might meet here, up for pain if you loathe and want to be rid one of the chief things that attracts him.


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## Flutterby68 (Oct 14, 2009)

rainyday said:


> This is as confusing to me as it seems to be to everyone else. It seems to make no sense to be looking for men who prefer something you hope not to be.  I also don't get why you're looking for men when you've talked about being married, but maybe there's more to that part that we don't know/don't need to know. Sticking to the size issue here, it seems like you're setting not just yourself, but any man you might meet here, up for pain if you loathe and want to be rid one of the chief things that attracts him.



I am not looking for men, not at all. I am not looking for men HERE, and wouldn't want to meet anyone anyway. But it is nice to be in a place where the "American standard of beauty" is NOT the norm. I'm constantly surrounded by people who think that anything over a size 4 is hideous.


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## Tania (Oct 14, 2009)

But that's the thing - she's not looking for men, nor is she looking to get thin. She's here to be around people who "get it." Or, if they don't quite "get it," they are at least coming from a position that is absolutely unclouded by fat-hate. It's AMAZING how much easier it is to be yourself around people who don't require you to hide the fat or apologize it away. Especially men. Of course, there's always the opposite, Wonderland effect to which Mossy alludes, but that's another ball of wax. 

Something people must understand is that size acceptance DOES NOT necessarily equal *full and unconditional* self-acceptance. You can be completely supportive of other people's fatness without wanting to be fat/certain levels of fat yourself (otherwise, virtually all thin FAs would become ethical conundra). The whole "appropriate personal fatness" concept is gonna vary among people, and sometimes may shift and change for a single person. Sometimes - hell, MOST of the time - the best you can truthfully, honestly get is "relative acceptance." And trust me, that's a victory. I used to get suicidal (really!) over wearing anything above size 12. Now, I'm okay with my current size. I don't necessarily love everything about my body and I sure as heck don't want to hit 300+ again, but the fact that I'm "fat" (in general terms) isn't the problem anymore. 

For me, SA is a political philosophy rooted in the individual's right to 1. exist in society without being hounded or abused into second-class citizenry by virtue of their weight or size and 2. make decisions for the most effective promotion of his/her own health, well-being, and physical authenticity. Ideally, the movement contributes to a goal of public size-blindness. From there, we have the right to choose how we want to look and whom we want to fuck. Further, we have the right to choose how we FEEL about how we look NOW. 

Size 14, while not a very large size in the grander scheme of things, is still a MAJOR psychological abyss marker for most of society. If Dims and SA can help Anna normalize her size 14 goal, WONDERFUL. If Dims and SA can help her feel more comfortable about discussing size issues, GREAT. For a long time, I refused to mention my size, my weight, or even where I shopped for clothes because I was terrified of speaking my fatness/officializing it with labels, as it were. Even if she isn't happy at size 22, she can still rely on us to validate her humanity - that's something the outside world doesn't always do for larger people. 

Further, I see nothing confusing in a non-fat-aspirant taking comfort in the fact that some people find fat, even extreme fat, beautiful. It's heartening to know that there are folks out there who value what you are, even if you wish to be different. It's all part of the fat-/self-normalization process.


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## BBW4Chattery (Oct 14, 2009)

lypeaches said:


> OK, this statement totally confuses me...because if you got to the place that you loved your body, how, exactly is that giving up? What are you giving up? Shame? Fear? Frustration? Feelings of unworthiness? It is ALWAYS worthwhile to learn to love your self and your body at whatever size it is at that moment. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay that size...but it means you make choices because you are worth it. Right now. Not 10 lbs, or 50 lbs or 100 lbs from now. Choose your life from a position of love, not fear and unhappiness.
> 
> My 2 cents.



Yup, I'm with you here. Good post.

For me, loving my body doesn't mean I am in love with the idea of being fat... it means I'm thankful to have a body that works with 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and ears, legs that walk, and arms that carry shopping bags after a spree.

Do I want to be thinner? Of course... not only for heart health, etc... but because I love exercise and being active and sports and those things are much easier when I'm small. It doesn't mean I feel like giving up just because I appreciate and nurture myself and my body.

As for ya'll mentioning the guys, that has been exactly my experience with these types of boards and chats since I first found them back in 2000. By the end of my last visit, I stopped talking with ALL of the single guys and just returned for the friendship of the ladies. 

I forget who said it, maybe flutterby... but if they can't love me at any size, I don't want them... be it someone who doesn't want me to gain or someone who doesn't want me to lose... I want someone who loves me enough to support me being me at what's most healthy for me mentally and physically... where ever that might fall on the spectrum.

Now, where do I find me one of them critters? Someone mail me one please!


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## rainyday (Oct 14, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> I am not looking for men, not at all. I am not looking for men HERE, and wouldn't want to meet anyone anyway. But it is nice to be in a place where the "American standard of beauty" is NOT the norm. I'm constantly surrounded by people who think that anything over a size 4 is hideous.



That I can understand very much. Thanks for clarifying. Certainly being in a size-positive environment can have benefits just by osmosis.


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## superodalisque (Oct 14, 2009)

just my thoughts:

i respect your feelings. they are yours and they are valid. but think about this: if you can learn to love yourself exactly how you are in the here and now it might be easier for you to take control of your issues--whatever they may be. you won't do the guilt /emotional/i hate myself eating that a lot of people do. maybe it would help you to manage yourself better and feel that you have a choice in what you do. it could also help you if you ever got thin because even if you were smaller, like a lot of women, you'd probably find SOMETHING not to like about yourself anyway. it might be your body or something else entirely. 

sometimes i think we focus on what we don't like about ourselves because we want to magnify our shortcomings. why? maybe because we feel deep down that we can't reach our goals and we need an excuse? i'm not sure. if we aren't perfect we feel that somehow we don't have to go after that career, relationship etc... that we really want. we have that "i'm not perfect so thats why bad things happen to me" thing going. it could be the "i'm fat" ", my boobs aren't the perfect dimensions", "my eyes are the wrong color","i don't like my nose". but its not because i am punishing myself because i feel somehow inadequate within myself and i'm afraid to investigate why. we can focus on the percieved flaw and not on the goal that we are afraid of. we give ourselves some kind of free pass not to live and to stay in suspended animation. so maybe by facing those negative perceptions about yourself right now you can practice facing down any other self defeating ideas about yourself you might have later that could stop you from getting what exactly you want.

i don't think it could hurt you to love and appreciate yourself and to know you don't have to be your idea of "perfect" to do that. i don't see how hating yourself for what you are now is facing anything or doing anything constructive for you. that sounds more like giving up to me than learning to love yourself no matter what even while you are making changes that you feel will improve your life. you don't need to be fat or thin to accept yourself. all you need to be is you.

PS: i really respect and understand the fact that you are not here looking for men but you are here looking for yourself.


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## Flutterby68 (Oct 14, 2009)

Just being around people who think of themselves as JUST FINE the way they are, whether it's a size 8 or a size 28 or whatever... THAT makes a difference. Everyone I know IRL seems to be in the constant pursuit of "thin" and "perfect" - whatever that is. They don't seem to realize that even if they reach that goal, it's only a small factor in what makes them who they are. YES, I want to be thinner than I am for many reasons, health and self-esteem related. But having less square footage to my ass won't change the fact that I'm still ME. The redhead who makes jewelry, reads books, writes erotica, drinks diet coke by the gallon, makes really bad puns frequently, watches ST:TNG reruns incessantly, loves cheesecake, loves pink, prefers to be barefoot, is fascinated by shipwrecks, has never been on a plane, and can't sing karaoke due to stage fright. You know... unique. 

It's nice to be around people who have already learned that about themselves.


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## Jes (Oct 15, 2009)

Flutterby68 said:


> I find it sad that weight is such an issue at all, really. I've always believed that if you love ME, the person that I am, the skin I am in should be mere window dressing.
> .



Read this sentence again please, Flutter. I wish you were talking about your own feelings, here. Can you ask a man to do what you won't do for yourself? I agree with what you say above to a great extent, but I'm not sure you believe it about yourself. Which is okay; I think we've all battled with insecurity or disliked something about ourselves (external or internal). That's the human condition. I also understand and accept that you want to change yourself, but without a positive attitude about who you are now, I think that's going to be difficult. It may be a stretch to advise you to accept yourself fat--but why not just accept yourself as a whole person, first? And then, if you don't like things about yourself, work to change them. Resenting those with different bodies, resenting those who have surgery and then don't follow post-surgical diets...that's a lot of looking outside of yourself instead of doing the self-work (is that a word?) you'll need in order to make significant changes in your life. I get that you're feeling down and upset, but I gotta tell ya--the victim mentality helps no one.


edited to add: Well shit. I didn't read ahead to see that Super hit on some of my points already. Well, whatever. I love to 'hear' myself 'talk.'


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 15, 2009)

tinkerbell said:


> Sure it would make things easier at times if I did have a super fast metabolism. But I dont. And wishing for it, and getting upset over it, isn't worth it to me.
> 
> I was unhappy with my body at 290+ lbs. And I was unhappy with my body when I was 17 and 175 lbs (and still a size 14!). As I've been losing weight, as unpopular as that is here, I've found that I'm no longer unhappy with my body (most of the time anyway). I'm happier now with my body than I was at my thinnest.
> 
> ...





Tania said:


> But that's the thing - she's not looking for men, nor is she looking to get thin. She's here to be around people who "get it." Or, if they don't quite "get it," they are at least coming from a position that is absolutely unclouded by fat-hate. It's AMAZING how much easier it is to be yourself around people who don't require you to hide the fat or apologize it away. Especially men. Of course, there's always the opposite, Wonderland effect to which Mossy alludes, but that's another ball of wax.
> 
> Something people must understand is that size acceptance DOES NOT necessarily equal *full and unconditional* self-acceptance. You can be completely supportive of other people's fatness without wanting to be fat/certain levels of fat yourself (otherwise, virtually all thin FAs would become ethical conundra). The whole "appropriate personal fatness" concept is gonna vary among people, and sometimes may shift and change for a single person. Sometimes - hell, MOST of the time - the best you can truthfully, honestly get is "relative acceptance." And trust me, that's a victory. I used to get suicidal (really!) over wearing anything above size 12. Now, I'm okay with my current size. I don't necessarily love everything about my body and I sure as heck don't want to hit 300+ again, but the fact that I'm "fat" (in general terms) isn't the problem anymore.
> 
> ...





BBW4Chattery said:


> Yup, I'm with you here. Good post.
> 
> For me, loving my body doesn't mean I am in love with the idea of being fat... it means I'm thankful to have a body that works with 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and ears, legs that walk, and arms that carry shopping bags after a spree.
> 
> ...



I really enjoyed reading these posts. A lot of what was said in them echo my own thoughts.


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## ABellyGirl (Oct 17, 2009)

I resent for the fact that people with high metabolisms are considered geniuses when it comes to weight-loss and health. That includes doctors, personal trainers, and nutrition professionals.

It's kind of like having Stephen Hawking explain elementary physics to a person with a learning disability. For Dr. Hawking Math and Physics have always been simply a reality in his life. He just inherently grasps the concepts due to his brains inner workings.

So what I resent is being told by someone who is inherently thin how I should and need to loose weight. It always seems to them like everything is so evident to them and we are just nutrition learning disabled. They just don't grok that they are dealing with a body that is not programmed to run as efficiently as their's is. And even that efficency is a matter of opinion. 

I mean where are all these carb-using fat burners going to be if we are reduced to a hunter-gatherer subsistence? I just lament being of a body type that would've provided me ideal survivability a few thousand years ago and it don't get no respect for its primeval efficiency.


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 17, 2009)

Tania said:


> Sometimes I wish I had a crazy-fast metabolism, but it's not something I do a lot of fist-shaking over. Nowadays, it's average. Back in 2001 I feared that the eating disorders had screwed it up, but I quickly realized that the depakote I'd been misprescribed was primarily to blame. Once I ceased taking the medication in late 2003, the weight I'd gained started coming off.



Same here.......especially when something I want to buy doesn't fit. lol

I was on a couple meds notorious for adding on the pounds (and fast and in large quantities). Gained probably 120lb in less than 6 months. The vast majority of the weight didn't come off, and it took major work to get off the weight that did come off. I would get out of breath so easily...I was miserable like that, really not being able to move around. I still would like to get more of that weight off.......it's putting a toll on my joints.


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## Tania (Oct 19, 2009)

Seriously! I never used to believe people when they would say, "Oh, I gained so much on xyz meds, yadda yadda." Now I totally get it. When you've never been anything heavier than moderately overweight your whole life, its definitely a red flag when you gain so much so quickly, and without significant alteration to your eating habits.


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