# Conflicted about my gain



## gaininghandles (Apr 7, 2010)

Hi all-
I guess I have to admit that I am a long time lurker on here, but I was curious if anyone else has this experience.

As long as I can remember, I have been an FA and always wanted to gain weight. Over the past year I have gone from 155 to 180 and i am starting to grow a major gut since I am only 5'5. 

However, I am conflicted, on one hand I find it extremely erotic. A few friends have commented and it always turns me on. The other hand makes me want to not gain and in fact lose the extra weight. Am I messed up or is this something you all have seen? 

If you have dealt with this, I would greatly appreciate feedback on how you dealt with it?


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## Peter the Eater (Apr 8, 2010)

I am going through pretty much the same thing. I am about 5'8" and have gained about 30 lbs going from 160 to 190 over the last year.

I know exactly what you are talking about with being turned on and conflicted about the weight gain. I have decided to come up with short term goals for my weight gain and evaluate myself along the way. My next goal is 210 lbs. I am going full force trying to gain, even during the times I don't feel like it. When I get to that goal I will decide if I like my new size and if I want to keep going.

I don't know if that was helpful at all, but thats my two cents


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## gaininghandles (Apr 8, 2010)

Peter the Eater said:


> I am going through pretty much the same thing. I am about 5'8" and have gained about 30 lbs going from 160 to 190 over the last year.
> 
> I know exactly what you are talking about with being turned on and conflicted about the weight gain. I have decided to come up with short term goals for my weight gain and evaluate myself along the way. My next goal is 210 lbs. I am going full force trying to gain, even during the times I don't feel like it. When I get to that goal I will decide if I like my new size and if I want to keep going.
> 
> I don't know if that was helpful at all, but thats my two cents



That is helpful. I too have thought about setting a small goal weight for now. I have loved every pound so far and I imagine I would continue to do so as I get larger. I was thinking 200lbs which would be about 20 more pounds and a total gain of about 50lbs. On a 5'6 frame, another 20lbs would be a big difference.


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## Nutty (Apr 9, 2010)

Be like me and move to Atlanta. Once i went there BAM +75 pounds. However I lost all the weight i gained.


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Apr 9, 2010)

What aspect of gaining weight is making you uncomfortable? If you can figure out the reasons you want to lose, you might come closer to resolving the conflict.


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## voluptuouslover (Apr 15, 2010)

I can relate to yor conflict internally. 

I am an FA and have always loved to see women gain weight and the best was encouraging and watching my girlfriends and wife gain weight, but never really into weight gain myself other than trying to gain for sports which I never could keep weight on.

Just after college I moved in with my girlfriend at the time and she was beautiful and plump she became a little housemaker in our rented condo and she was cooking great calorie laiden meals and baking desserts all the time while she was finishing up college. I had just graduated and was into a desk job at my new company.

Long story short she got pretty fat and was more beautiful than ever and myself being oblivious got fat also. I was too busy admiring how fat she was getting to even notice my own gaining. It sounds weird but it is totally true it didnt happen over night but my metabolism changed coupled with a desk job no more working out and running a well as all her fattening cooking. Also, I am the first to say once you start eating big portions consistently you are like a bottomless pit as far as your food consumption. She would eat more than most of the guys I hung with in college, we were both eating a ton.

So here I was shocked that I became fat and I loved it when I was with her and she would joke and pat and grab my belly and I would comment in a fun way how fat she was and it was such an exciting experience for an FA that I have never felt, "The mutual fattening experience".

Then when I was not with her at work or out with friends I would feel insecure and wish I was not that fat again. So I can understand your differant thoughts with gaining. Throughout the course of our 5 yr. relationship I gained 75 Lbs. granted I was quite thin to start but what a differance.


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## hugh.d. (Sep 13, 2010)

going through the same thing. decided not to gain for now.....probably do it later on in life...am keen to see what people say though....i ask the same question as you....

if it sounds like at first people are unsure then they love it later i will do it...still depends though...


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## SuperGuyver (Nov 1, 2010)

I`m conflicted about it too.It would`nt be that way if I had a girl who loves me and wanted to gain with me.


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## rubenesquehunny (Mar 11, 2011)

It is understandably conflictual for a woman (or man) to desire to gain and enjoy it, and be aroused by it but then that is mututal exclusive to the ideal that is shoved into our faces as the "norm" and if that is not what you want then something is wrong with you....I say, if you enjoy eating and you are turned on or aroused by it, take a hint!! You like it and stop fighting your natural urges to fit a mold that is not right for everyone!!
:happy:


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## GregJ1 (Jun 6, 2011)

rubenesquehunny said:


> It is understandably conflictual for a woman (or man) to desire to gain and enjoy it, and be aroused by it but then that is mututal exclusive to the ideal that is shoved into our faces as the "norm" and if that is not what you want then something is wrong with you....I say, if you enjoy eating and you are turned on or aroused by it, take a hint!! You like it and stop fighting your natural urges to fit a mold that is not right for everyone!!
> :happy:



I have been fighting my urges to get fat since I was a little boy. Always wanting to stuff myself and enjoy, loved having fat fantasies and stuffing pillows under my shirt to see what it would look like if I had the gut I wanted. 

Fast forward to adulthood, now 50, fit, but still fantisizing about being fat. Noticing that my belly is rounder even though I work out, might be those after dinner handfuls of chocoloate or trailmix. 

My wife is plump and I love her fat soft belly and butt. The idea of having a big soft gut of my own and pressing it onto hers has been a dream for 25 years. She and I have talked about my gaining, and she feeds me huge dinners, but until recently, they burned off doing exercise. Hit 50, seems harder to run and my belly has gotten a little softer (I am loving it) 

My conflict, is should I just let it happen or continue a life long fight against fat and my urges? Am I really meant to be fat and healthy, exercise, but enjoying myself too? 

I really am aroused by the idea of fat on fat and wife seems ok with it too


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## BigFA (Jun 6, 2011)

Reading all of the posts above are so like my own experiences and feelings. I have been a life long FA who 25 years ago made the decision that I would not diet again and just eat whatever I wanted and let nature take its course. I have slowly and steadily gained 130 lbs. over that time period and now weigh 300 lbs. I like to remain active and as I have gotten heavier it has become more difficult not to get winded and tired at even the smallest amount of physical activity. On the one hand, I feel I should lose weight so I can continue to enjoy an active lifestyle and for overall good health. On the other hand, I find myself more and more turned on by growing fatter and watching the numbers on the scale continue to climb. 

I never thought I would get turned on by my own weight gain but it is happening nonetheless. I am even turned on when someone comments how fat I am getting. And I love to eat which has become almost erotic in and of itself. In an ideal world, I would continue to grow fatter and still be able to do all the things I want to do without discomfort. And the thought of growing fat with my wife is also a very pleasant fantasy which I would love to actualize. Oh the conflict between inner desires and a healthy reality. It is not always easy.


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## ffju (Jun 6, 2011)

This is exactly why I have never acted on my desire to gain...for me, it's a fetish, in that I need to think about it to, well, "complete" if you know what I mean. 

In "real life", I prefer to be on the lighter side. But every once in a while, I gain a little from careless eating and that often sets me to thinking...what if? My sweetie is not an FA in any sense of the word, but would probably support whatever I wanted to do. 

Just today I was pondering...what would it be like to let go a little and deliberately gain 10 pounds or so? It's just going up one or two sizes, not a huge deal. Just the thought was incredibly erotic. But what if I hate it? I would feel self-conscious all the time out in public. 

What a frustrating fetish this is in some ways!


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## ffju (Jun 7, 2011)

As an update...I have been thinking about this constantly since I posted.

I weighed myself today for the first time in a long time. 168. That's the highest I've been since pregnant with #2 back in 2003. Thing is, it feels...good. And I'm so tempted to set a mini-goal and bump it up to 170, just to test the waters, see how it feels. 

The only scale in the house is the Wii Fit; it now calls me "overweight" and I noticed that a couple more pounds will put me in the "obese" category. I have longed to be obese, as long as I can remember, but fought the urge so desperately. To be so very close is extremely arousing. 

Anyway, just more thought on this issue. It really is a chalenge. What I am trying to remind myself is that no one I care about will judge me based solely on my weight. And if I want to see what it's like to be plump, well, so be it. 

thanks for listening...it's good to have this place.


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## BigFA (Jun 8, 2011)

It sounds like you really want to gain a few pounds. You mentioned you have longed to be obese and the thought of it is very arousing. A couple of pounds is not much and easy to lose if you choose to do so later. Just let yourself go for a couple of weeks and see how it feels. When the urge to gain some weight is so strong it is can be very frustrating to keep it bottled up for so long. Good luck and thanks for sharing your feelings on this board. For me too it is good to hear from others who wrestle with the same desires.


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## Tad (Jun 8, 2011)

Ive told my story on plenty of other threads over the yeasnothing new here for those who have read it before.

Like a lot of others on here, Ive been fascinated with fat since a young age, both on others and on myself. I had an LP of nursery rhymes when I was little, and I recall the particular feelings and thoughts brought on by Jack Spratt would eat no fat/ his wife would eat no lean/ and so betwixt the two they licked the platter clean. I think the cover of the album illustrated Jack as skinny and his wife as very round, and I remember wondering if Id be OK with having a fat wife and deciding I would, but that I didnt want to be all skinny. But I did like the idea of working together to totally clean up an entire platter of food! 

A little later, once I could read, I remember reading The Pumpkin Giant. You can find the text of it online with a quick google search, but key to this is that the main too characters were a princess and her eventual husband who were both so fat that they rolled around, as they couldnt walk. I missed any facetious tones in it at the time, and just saw it as a fairy tale where the main characters were fat, got married, and lived happily ever after. The story hit me like a bolt of lightning, really making me aware of how interested I was in fat. 

From then on, I was hyper awareand somewhat jealous ofanyone around me who was fat. I was a little chubby myself, but nothing remarkable and not heavy enough to stop me from participating in an array of competitive sports. But I always had mixed feelings about the sports, like this was not really me, that I wasnt supposed to be small enough to do those things.

Puberty announced itself one day in grade six, when suddenly I felt like there was a special link between my little bit of tummy and that of the chubbiest girl in our class (also the only girl in class who had developed at that point). My first sexual fantasies were of the two of us, the next chubbiest girl in class, and a chubby boy who lived on my street having a sort of gaining club. Id always start off as the thinnest one who was gaining the most slowly, but eventually Id learn to gain faster than any of the others and by the end of high school would be the fattest, and of course therefore get to date the fatter of the girls (these fantasies owed a lot to Archie comics.my view of romance was pretty stunted at that age). But at the same time I knew it was not acceptable to be fat, I did want to do well in sports so shouldnt get any bigger, etc.

In university I was really trying to figure out why I didnt like porn, when all the other guys I knew thought it was fantastic. So one day I found a store that was sort of a porn magazine collectibles storethey had bins and bins of old copies of every imaginable type of porn magazine. I went browsing, and eventually found a couple of old copies of Buf magazine, and found out that I just wasnt that into pornographic images, but that I definitely was attracted to fat ladies, and I really loved fat fiction. I also discovered the term FA in those magazine (and I think there was ads in there for the old, dead-tree version, of Dimensions Magazine, but Im not positive).

For the next several years I identified as an FA, and channelled all my fat desires into being interested in female fat and weight gain. I even managed to lose a little bit of weight, for the first time in my life. Eventually I started dating a not at all big young woman, who however had super-sized parents and a huge appetite. Over the next several years she steadily gained weight, up into BBW sizes, before deciding shed gotten bigger than she was comfortable with. Her appetite had meanwhile helped me discover how much I loved eating, which in turn was bringing more thoughts of getting fat into my head and I gained a certain amount of weight myself. Once she stopped gaining my fantasies went much, much, more to being fatter and gaining myself. 

I did give myself some opportunities. On a weekend road trip for a friends stag I had a five hour drive each way, and stuffed myself as much as I could while driving. One weekend when my wife and son were away to visit friends I decided to see how much I could really eat if I went at it systematically, and after about 60 hours had managed to swell myself by nearly ten pounds (only a couple of that stayed as fat mind you, the rest was just how much food was in my system). Between occasions like that and giving in to smaller temptations I gained another fifteen or so pounds over a few years, reaching 225 pounds, which on my 58 began to feel pretty bigI jiggled, bending over far enough to tie up my skates while sitting in a snowbank was quite challenging, I noticed my belly hitting my desk when I was typing, etc. 

My wife is not an FA. She never said anything, but words are not always required. I loved how round and soft I was getting, but there was so many other reasons, her views not the least amongst them, to lose. I managed to lose to under 210, then for the past couple of years have managed to hold in the 210-215 region (BMI around 32, comfortably into the obese region, that starts at 30. My heaviest had me around BMI 34).

I dont regret having gotten up to 225, nor having lost back down again. But neither has stopped the mental conflict. Pretty much every day I feel desires to be bigger and to be smaller. Most days those stay pretty well in balance so I manage to hold my weight around here, which seems to be a decent compromise size for me. I bike to work regularly without difficulty, and can ski or skate without any trouble, but I do have some belly and some softness. I dont jiggle so easily, and at times it is so tempting to gain just enough to feel that more again, I really did love that feeling!


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## Juice (Jun 10, 2011)

Fuzzy Necromancer said:


> What aspect of gaining weight is making you uncomfortable? If you can figure out the reasons you want to lose, you might come closer to resolving the conflict.



I've been trying to resolve the conflict my whole life. I was always fat to start with. Sometimes less fat, sometimes more but always fat. So people brainwashed me that I was not right. I remember myself when I was young, I did not mind being fat (I was quite slender with my today's standards) and I did not hate my body as it was but I was angry I could not shop where my friends would and I would get upset if people mentioned I was fat. 

At some point, at about 320 pounds, I tried to lose weight and got to around 200 pounds, I could dress better and felt much more comfortable. I also realised that I had probably suffered from body dysmorphia. I realised how fat I used to be by looking at my old clothes and photos. Before the weight loss I felt ok with my body but not because I was comfortable being fat but because I never accepted myself as fat. That is why I never accepted people's comments. 

Dieting did not last however so I put all the way back plus more. I reached a point that my scales could not weigh me. It was then that I discovered Dimensions and by talking to people I realised that I was probably accepting myself fat but hated a) society's criticism b) embarrassment caused by my weight (seats etc) c) the fact that I had nobody to enjoy my fat. 
After turning 30 I faced the more serious consequences of my weight: less stamina, getting tired much more easily, backache.

When I met my boyfriend I did not know that he was a FA. But his comments about how sexy my fatness is raised a new level of acceptance for me. I can talk more openly about my weight to certain people. Taking pictures of myself helped me realise how fat I've become. I am not in denial any more. I don't waste my money on clothes that do not fit. I don't pretend I am thin or normal-weight or even plump. I know I am supersized and I know that you wont find a lot of 500 pounders walking on street so I am minority. I also know the limitation associated so I won't pretend I have a headache when my friends want spend the whole night dancing. I say it openly "I want to seat I feel tired". I even somehow enjoy how my body looks like but not always. Only when I am with people who accept or perhaps like me fat. When I am with groups of people that I know they treat fat as cancer I become much more self-conscious, I try to hide or blend. I know this is an issue I still work on.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 10, 2011)

I am always in this position. Always. A lot of the pressure is social which I don't necessarily have to listen to but the truth is, I have to live in this town. I have to work, win friends and influence people. Granted I am not fat solely by choice. Regardless of what my desires are I'm going to be fat, it's genetic. I carry it with an ease that is not manufactured and I didn't have to work on myself or go on a 'journey' or something. I like being this way and the only journey has been learning how to stand up for myself but that can only get you so far. Many people tend to be intrinsically descriminatory and I have to face that every day. It is impossible to not be aware of it and it does get to you, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. In my case I don't have a choice. I can't cave to the pressure to be thin any more than I can cave to the pressure to flap my arms and fly to Pakistan. To me that pressure doesn't look like pressure, it looks like bigotry and I don't dance to that tune. I do still have to talk myself out of it though. It's hard.


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## Juice (Jun 10, 2011)

LillyBBBW said:


> I can't cave to the pressure to be thin any more than I can cave to the pressure to flap my arms and fly to Pakistan. To me that pressure doesn't look like pressure, it looks like bigotry and I don't dance to that tune. I do still have to talk myself out of it though. It's hard.



Very well said Lilly. I on the other hand never wanted to be thin. I was always scared of thin (on me, not on others). It's such an unknown ground. I'd like to be plump, somewhere around 200-230 pounds, a size 18-20. That would be perfect. But even at that size I have to try very hard to maintain it. I also think I am genetically meant to be fat but I love my food. It's just recently that I let myself eating whatever I want though and as a result I gained over 100 pounds in the last few years. :doh:

I like it that some people are excited or even aroused by my growing body but then I feel embarrassed when people refer to me as fat or super obese or whatever in a patronizing way trying to devalue me. And I hate it even more when this issue is raised in my working environment. 'Why are you so fat' is only confronted by 'why are you so rude'


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 10, 2011)

Juice said:


> Very well said Lilly. I on the other hand never wanted to be thin. I was always scared of thin (on me, not on others). It's such an unknown ground. I'd like to be plump, somewhere around 200-230 pounds, a size 18-20. That would be perfect. But even at that size I have to try very hard to maintain it. I also think I am genetically meant to be fat but I love my food. It's just recently that I let myself eating whatever I want though and as a result I gained over 100 pounds in the last few years. :doh:
> 
> I like it that some people are excited or even aroused by my growing body but then I feel embarrassed when people refer to me as fat or super obese or whatever in a patronizing way trying to devalue me. And I hate it even more when this issue is raised in my working environment. 'Why are you so fat' is only confronted by 'why are you so rude'



I only feel chided when there are clear disavantages that occur as a result of my size. I'm 413 pounds and I take up two seats on the subwy. When someone wants to sit and can't I get daggars frm the eyes. When the elevator stops on my floor and I get off, it does a vigorous drop shift to adjust for the change in weight thereby shaking up whoever is left inside. The world is too small for me and there are things about my size that litterally inconveniences and terrifies other people. I'm constantly reminded that hardly anything in this world is intended for me and since I love to go out it's frustrating. Viscerally I don't wish to be thin but sometimes I wish I were so that I could ride that ride, front that band or wear that outfit.


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## ffju (Jun 11, 2011)

Well, this has been a really interesting week. I've been constantly thinking about it. 

I've discovered that I don't like to binge. I tried it a couple of times and just felt icky and couldn't eat that much anyway even after trying. 

Being aware of how my extra few pounds feel is amazing and I am really enjoying that. I picked up a pair of jeans in the next size up, just to see what that felt like and it's...really nice. A nice, comfy, full, rolly feeling. But I'm not sure how I can actually gain much, since overeating is tough. It'll be more of a ... reminding myself that it's ok to have something I would usually turn down due to concerns about weight. Or maybe a constant snacking? I don't know, this is new territory. 

This is the furthest I've ever gone to actualizing this long-standing fantasy. A few pounds can't hurt, can they?


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## GregJ1 (Jun 11, 2011)

ffju said:


> Well, this has been a really interesting week. I've been constantly thinking about it.
> 
> I've discovered that I don't like to binge. I tried it a couple of times and just felt icky and couldn't eat that much anyway even after trying.
> 
> ...



Well, I do not think a few pounds can hurt. I gained some, as I have fantasized about. My lower belly, where I cannot seem to develop the abs, is getting a roll. And the roll is pooching out over the belt some, this is the softest I have been and it feels good. I have done some research and know that if I continue to grow but also remain active, health is not much of a concern. The pressure of the fantasy is very prevalent in my life. The constant monitoring of what I put in my mouth is getting to be tiresome after many, many years. 

Not bingeing but I am drinking protein shakes, like Atkins, and snack some. This has had some effect as my dress pants, 33 waist (yeah I know small) are not comfortble around the belly, but the pressure against the button is erotic. Now up to 34's. Wife has noticed and has not complained. In fact she too has gained some.

We have "happy hour" Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, before dinner. We do nachos, or chips and dips, or fried cheese or a lot of other snack foods and not in small amounts. She has gained a few too. 

I think our fantasies, really deep seated ones, the ones that are with us all our lives, are the real us. What we are meant to be.


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## ffju (Jun 11, 2011)

GregJ1 said:


> I think our fantasies, really deep seated ones, the ones that are with us all our lives, are the real us. What we are meant to be.



I think this is true. It's been so many years of repressing this, the desire to gain, that I'm feeling overwhelmed by the delight of the reality. It's just so hot, all the time! I'm in a state of amazement.

It's like a switch went off in my brain, a willingness to accept that deep desire and let it be. Since my goals are modest--really, I want to be seen as "chubby" or "plump", I can socially live with that. I have friends who are heavier than I would be willing to be in "real life" and I accept them without judgment. I can give myself the gift of acceptance. And if I'm referred to as "that heavy girl, with the ponytails", that's ok. I'll be heavy. I don't want to be a BBW or SSBBW...it's just not my particular goal or fantasy. Realistic chubbiness, plumpness, avoir-du-pois is what makes my brain go crazy.

I actually did talk with the Sweetie about this. He's not an FA, never has been. But he does love me and since I accept and embrace his various kinks, he's willing to accept mine. I hope that he will in time come to embrace and enjoy the rolls and folds and softness that is so very hot to me...I think he will, *because* it makes me feel hot. We'll see. 

Today, I enjoyed a few beers and a plate of natchos. Last night, I did the same (but with tatchos, which are tater tots with the toppings of natchos--amazing treat at my local bar). Beer, which I love, I think will be the key to my gain. It's much easier and more appealing to down a couple of brews than to eat ice cream or cookies or whatever. And then, once I've had a couple, my inclination is to munch munch munch. 

Whew! Thanks again for sharing...this place is a God-send for me, and has been for years. Bless Dimensions for allowing this dialogue.


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## GregJ1 (Jun 11, 2011)

I too do not want to be so big as to be SSBHM, but a roll over the top of the belt that hangs and jiggles would be great. I have been working out nad a runner for so many years, knowing that I love weights but would like to have a gut. I am still going to want to run, slowly, and enjoy the fat roll bouncing.

I, too, love beer. And to finally realize I can let go and enjoy it, has been a revelation. My wife, not a stated FA, is round, her belly being very soft. and she always said she wanted me to have something to hold onto. After 25 years, of being together, maybe now is the time to give her what she wants:eat1:


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## ffju (Jun 11, 2011)

GregJ1 said:


> a roll over the top of the belt that hangs and jiggles would be great. After 25 years, of being together, maybe now is the time to give her what she wants:eat1:



Yes, that's just it. The roll over the belt than hangs...man, that's the biggest thrill. I am working at it! 

Funny, I too have been with my husband 25 years...it's about time I realized my fantasies and let go. 

...speaking of which, time for a beer. :eat2:

(I guess the conflicted part is fading...I am wondering if it will pop back in to surprise me. I guess I'll deal with it when it does, if it does.)


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## GregJ1 (Jun 11, 2011)

Just had a Red Stripe and steak for dinner, corn on the cobb, sweet potato vegetable medley and dark chocolate for desert. Snack later


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## ffju (Jun 11, 2011)

Mac & Cheese with extra cheese and on IPA #2. Brownies in the oven!


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## GregJ1 (Jun 11, 2011)

:eat1::eat1::eat1:


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## ffju (Jun 12, 2011)

gaininghandles said:


> Hi all-
> However, I am conflicted, on one hand I find it extremely erotic. A few friends have commented and it always turns me on. The other hand makes me want to not gain and in fact lose the extra weight. Am I messed up or is this something you all have seen?



I think I sent this post a bit off-topic...

I'm not sure what it was that solved my conflict. It really was like a switch in my brain, allowing me to accept my desire to gain, my fetish, and to allow and encourage the weight that I'd like to gain. It certainly wasn't a rational, conscious, decision, because many, many times before I have skated to the edge of gaining and run away, because of society, of fear of being fat, of rejection by friends/family, etc. 

So, I think it's really a journey of acceptance. When you are at peace with the desire, the feelings, then you'll be able to accept the gain and go further (if you want to). For me, it's happened both quickly and slowly--slowly in that it's been decades of on and off contemplation; quickly in that once I realized I had gained some weight and was able to accept it, I jumped into intentional gaining. 

Now, I am feeling impatient at how slow gaining can be. It's as if now that I accept the desire, I want to feel change immediately. Funny how the brain works!


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## Jodi_DJ (Jun 12, 2011)

ffju said:


> So, I think it's really a journey of acceptance. When you are at peace with the desire, the feelings, then you'll be able to accept the gain and go further (if you want to). For me, it's happened both quickly and slowly--slowly in that it's been decades of on and off contemplation; quickly in that once I realized I had gained some weight and was able to accept it, I jumped into intentional gaining.
> 
> Now, I am feeling impatient at how slow gaining can be. It's as if now that I accept the desire, I want to feel change immediately. Funny how the brain works!



That sounds so familiar, so similar to my own journey of acceptance and intention. Thanks for expressing it do well. I was experiencing some impatience too, but I've found by being just as accepting of gaining at a gentle, safe pace as I am of being fat and the desire to gain that I've been able to really savour this part of the journey. It's been a delight seeing my weight creep up this week!


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## Tad (Jun 13, 2011)

ffju said:


> I've discovered that I don't like to binge. I tried it a couple of times and just felt icky and couldn't eat that much anyway even after trying.



I think that for most people, lots of little indulgences are easier and more pleasant anyway. Having full fat cream in your coffee, getting a muffin for a mid-morning snack, having seconds when supper was really tasty, for that matter having extras on your meal (some grated cheese, or gravy, or some salad dressing on your peas, or butter on all sorts of things, or whatever you enjoy), dessert, making some popcorn with butter to have while watching TV, or that beer....one or two indulgences in a day will add up slowly. Lots of extra indulgences each day will add up more quickly.

Have fun!


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## ffju (Jun 13, 2011)

Tad said:


> I think that for most people, lots of little indulgences are easier and more pleasant anyway.... Lots of extra indulgences each day will add up more quickly.



This is going to be the plan. I just wanted a big quick noticible physical change to go along with the mental change, but really, if it goes slowly, I can enjoy the experience longer, and less flack I'll get from friends/family. 

I've set a couple of mini-goals. First is to hit 170 solid. I have no idea how long it'll take, so I won't stress. But that'll be a fun one to reach. I'm firmly a size 14 in clothes now; just bought a couple more pairs of jeans in that size. Funny, I jumped right from 10-->14, with just a hover at 12. The 12s were almost an accidental buy, ones I thought I might want for lazier days...they ended up fitting well and before I realized it, I'd let the 10s stay in the closet. 

I feel like I should start a new thread, since I'm no longer conflicted about my gain, but ... I'm a little nervous. Being so open about this is still very fresh and new. Please bear with me. 

Had a coffee with cream (usually I drink it black) and a cheese danish today...lunch will be grilled cheese. Maybe some beer later tonight...


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## ffju (Jun 14, 2011)

I had a momentary panic of "what am I doing?" last night...

The Rational me said "Are you crazy for trying to gain weight?"

The Rational Fetishy me said "Not at all! Now's the perfect time to go for it since that recent 6lbs of accidental/unnoticed gain appeared. Closer to bigger!"

The fetishy me won. I know if I really end up not feeling right heavier, I can lose it. 

Wearing an XL top I just got and stretchy size 14 jeans. Gosh, it feels good. I guess if it feels good, and it's not hurting anyone, it's ok.


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## GregJ1 (Jun 17, 2011)

I envy you the freedom. My mental battle continues, as it has for my entire life. I cannot seem to let myself relax. I cannot seem to really enjpy.


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## BigFA (Jun 17, 2011)

I can completely relate to enjoying all the little endulgences that lead to weight gain. That is exactly what I did. I stopped stressing over did I eat too much at my last meal, should I really use full cream in my coffee, or I really should not have dessert with my dinner. I now fully embace living without the guilt and enjoying all the wonderful food, wine, beer that there is to savor. The result has been a slow and steady gain of 130 lbs. over the last 20 years which I have found to be very pleasurable. So ffju, enjoy the ride!:eat1:


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## GregJ1 (Jun 18, 2011)

ffju said:


> I had a momentary panic of "what am I doing?" last night...
> 
> The Rational me said "Are you crazy for trying to gain weight?"
> 
> ...



Last night huge nacho casserole, lotsa cheeese and chips, salsa. Gucamole and 2 12 oz beers. Feeling good and wife shared, her belly is so nice and soft


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## ffju (Jun 18, 2011)

Interesting development...finally really told it all to the Sweetie. Lots of support for whatever I feel I want to do, thank the deities. Much relief there!

I've been pondering the "how"s of this and realized that over the years, I've not let myself have certain things, because of fear that I'd gain weight or that they had too many calories. Now, I'm going to say yes. Yes to pie if I want it, yes to a second beer if I want it, yes that cheeseburger. And we'll see what happens when I stop denying myself. 

Mmmm....pie!


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## ffju (Jul 20, 2011)

Well...this has been an interesting few weeks. After a couple of weeks of intentionally trying to gain I ended up ... losing 4 pounds. Then, went on vacation and, probably due to so much walking about, lost even more. 

I also realized that I wasn't enjoying eating. It had become a task, a means to an end. Plus, I hated the feeling of being too full. I know that's a turn-on for some folks, but for me, it just felt...unpleasant. 

So, at this point, I'm back to fantasy. I'm ok with that, and the huge acceptance breakthrough was amazing and really great. But the physical side just may not be my path. On the bright side, I came fully clean with the Sweetie and having that "secret" out of the closet has been good. 

FFJU


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## fat hiker (Aug 3, 2011)

I think you're not the only one - I know that back when I was trying to diet, workout, and get down below 250, nothing seemed to be working. So I gave up, and relaxed, and, presto, five pounds vanished!

Sometimes wanting something too much gets in the way of attaining it, methinks.


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## tummylovin'003 (Aug 10, 2011)

Going throught the same thing here. I'm around 200lb at the moment, I haven't gained, in fact i've lost weight (through circumstances,not choice.)
Now i'm not sure wether to gain or loose weight. I know I'm not particully bothered about looseing weight, I just feel like I should, probably due to media ect. 
The thought of putting on weight really excites me ,But I'm scared to put on the pounds, because of what my Boyfriend will think, what my family & friends will think, and If i'm not able to stop putting on weight, as I get addicted to things quite easily!!! :doh:


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