# Whew, this is scary.



## velia (Oct 28, 2010)

Hi, all. It's been a long time since I last posted, as usual. I was hoping to get a bit of advice from anyone here who either has knowledge about or experience with eating disorders. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but here goes:

I'm 25 years old and weigh 313 pounds. I've been battling Anorexia with sporadic ventures into purging (but not binging) for 13 years. Yes, I said Anorexia. Apparently, this is incredibly difficult for most to believe due to my size, but after two dismissing doctors and years of self-abuse, I'm finally seeing a psychologist who is helping me. I'm just embarking on the journey of actually eating enough and eating with regularity-- eating "healthy" foods has never been a problem for me. 

I am terrified this post is going to get the hell flamed out of it, but I figure I may as well be honest. I feel mixed up as hell about the treatment. I am fat, and I know it doesn't follow the prescribed set of symptoms, but I'm ok with that. I just don't want to gain any weight right now, and I'm really freaking out that this regular eating plan is going to make me balloon. I just can't handle that emotionally right now. To make matters even more strange, I'm a FFA. My girlfriend is fat-- I think she's breathtakingly beautiful, and she's been incredibly supportive of me getting healthy. She doesn't care whether I gain or lose weight in that process, and I know that takes a tremendous pressure off of me, but I still feel a personal pressure not to gain weight to maintain my illusion of control. 

For a long time I have felt like my struggle lacked validity because of my size, and now, there it is in my chart, and I don't know whether to feel sick or relieved. 

So, all that said, I guess I'm just looking for resources, anecdotes from other fatties who have been through it, etc. I've been reading, but really, the generally accepted "fact" is that you're not Anorexic unless you're thin. I swear, if I have to read any more of that crap, I'm going to lose it.

Thanks for listening if you made it this far.


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## butch (Oct 28, 2010)

Hi velia, I don't know anything to offer you, but I wanted to let you know that I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post here, and I hope you get the support, resources, and understanding you're looking for.

One thing I can suggest is, perhaps going to the ASDAH website (http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/), since I know a fair number of active people in that organization work in the field of eating disorders.

Hope that helps, and hugs to you.


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## velia (Oct 28, 2010)

butch said:


> Hi velia, I don't know anything to offer you, but I wanted to let you know that I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post here, and I hope you get the support, resources, and understanding you're looking for.
> 
> One thing I can suggest is, perhaps going to the ASDAH website (http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/), since I know a fair number of active people in that organization work in the field of eating disorders.
> 
> Hope that helps, and hugs to you.



Butch, thank you very much! I'll be sure to check them out. I'm grateful for your reply-- was beginning to think I'd offended. :s


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## CarlaSixx (Oct 28, 2010)

I know how you feel  I was anorexic in high school with about 4 to 5 months out of the year spent just having a third of a gatorade bottle and about 4 bites of dinner a day, if even that much. But I'm fat... I always was... and instead of really losing weight, all that happened to me was that I looked like a fat cancer patient. I looked at least 40 years old when I was only 14. And people think it's a lie or laugh at me when I say I was anorexic and every once in awhile slip back into it again, but it's true. Not all anorexics are 80 lbs or less. (Although 80lbs is the ideal weight for my height, apparently).

I was scared to gain weight when I stopped, and since I didn't have help, that's exactly what happened. I've been playing around with the idea of slipping back into it lately, though, to just get to 300 lbs. 

Once stricken with a disease, though, always stuck with the disease. It's an addiction. It'll always be present but with constant therapy for it, it can at least always be under control.


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## velia (Oct 28, 2010)

CarlaSixx said:


> I know how you feel  I was anorexic in high school with about 4 to 5 months out of the year spent just having a third of a gatorade bottle and about 4 bites of dinner a day, if even that much. But I'm fat... I always was... and instead of really losing weight, all that happened to me was that I looked like a fat cancer patient. I looked at least 40 years old when I was only 14. And people think it's a lie or laugh at me when I say I was anorexic and every once in awhile slip back into it again, but it's true. Not all anorexics are 80 lbs or less. (Although 80lbs is the ideal weight for my height, apparently).
> 
> I was scared to gain weight when I stopped, and since I didn't have help, that's exactly what happened. I've been playing around with the idea of slipping back into it lately, though, to just get to 300 lbs.
> 
> Once stricken with a disease, though, always stuck with the disease. It's an addiction. It'll always be present but with constant therapy for it, it can at least always be under control.



Thanks for opening up-- it helps me to know I'm not the only fat anorexic chick out there. (hugs)

Having hit a more recent hardcore low with this thing, I know I can't say anything that will specifically stop you. Just try to focus on the reality of this life-choice. Its constantly being miserable, tired, difficulty reading, thinking, making conscious decisions, etc. Not to mention the constant gnawing hunger, nausea, and increased self hatred.

I hope you're getting the help you need psychologically to battle this. It's been recently recommended that I see a nutritionist to help me, but I'm pretty freaked they're going to be like, "What eating disorder? You're huge!" and stick me on some weird weight loss diet. Bah.


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## Cors (Oct 29, 2010)

Hi Velia and CarlaSixx, I have been wondering how to word this and hope it will not be taken the wrong way. I can't say I have experienced the same degree of prejudice you have from fat-phobic doctors (though I was frequently dismissed as an attention-seeking bimbo who should just stop wanting to copy Kate Moss and eat a sandwich at a BMI of 13 since Asian girls are all supposed to be tiny anyway). The system is just so pedantic and horrible and I lost a few good friends because they weren't deemed sick enough to get the help they so desperately needed. 

Eating disorders in general are not taken that seriously unless you are literally on death's door. Anorexia nervosa in particular has extremely strict physical diagnostic criteria: BMI under 17 *and* at least three consecutive missed periods. If your BMI is an ounce above 17, even if you have lost more than half your body weight in a shocking amount of time and haven't menstruated in forever, you will not be diagnosed as anorexic but as suffering from ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) unless you happen to meet strict criteria for bulimia nervosa (as far as I remember, objective binges at least 3x a week for 3 months and compensation via purging, fasting or excessive exercise). Similarly, you could have a BMI of 12 but if you are still menstruating (which is not all that uncommon), you are still going to be put on long waiting lists and denied insurance coverage because you are no longer technically anorexic. 

Not meeting the strict diagnostic criteria does not mean you are suffering any less (though being clinically emaciated comes with severe health risks someone of a higher weight is unlikely to have), but sadly that is what most professionals and insurance companies go by. If you go up to a doctor and insist that you are suffering from anorexia nervosa, most professionals are just not going to respond positively since there are so many people these days who are completely ignorant about what anorexia is and act like it is some sort of cool magic prom diet to drop 10lbs and when they want to refuse their 4th Big Mac. They might take you more seriously if you tell them you have an eating problem without mentioning anorexia, give them a detailed report of your eating/purging/exercise habits, how out of control and horrible you feel and just how badly it affects your daily life. It is sadly considered normal for most women to have some degree of disordered eating and body dissatisfaction, so make sure you emphasize how badly it affects you and fight as hard as you can for a referral if you are not being taken seriously. 

Velia, most of my experiences with nutrionists have been fairly okay, even the ones who did not understand my eating disorder. Even if they want to put you on some sort of weight loss plan, avoid very low calorie diets and as much as possible insist that you need food that gives you energy and fills you up so it will curb any desire to binge (whether you purge or not).


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## velia (Oct 29, 2010)

Cors--

Thanks for the info! I was unaware that they even had a diagnosis of ED-NOS. I know what you mean about people acting like Anorexia is this super-cool fad diet. It makes me sick. I mean sure, maybe if I walk into your office and say, "I starved myself for a few weeks, I think I'm Anorexic." That would be one thing. But if someone in my position-- or yours for that matter-- explains that this has been a battle going on for years, why should your lesser or my higher BMI have anything to do with whether there's actually an eating disorder at play? I use the term "Anorexia" now because aside from the size issue, I fit the profile to the letter. When writing my original post, I really wasn't sure people would get it if I just said I had an eating disorder. When you say that, usually people are like, "What kind?" So, anyway, I just wanted to kind of explain that I wasn't trying to step on any toes.

Right now, for me, I'm finally getting the help I need and I was looking for some info and support, which I really appreciate you extending. I'm pretty concerned with being perceived as a troll or something, bringing up an eating disorder on a fat friendly board, but I just couldn't think of another place where I wouldn't be disqualified as having an issue just because I'm fat. Thanks again.


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## Tad (Oct 29, 2010)

I cant offer any information, and havent been through anything like that myself, but I did lose a childhood friend to anorexiabeing a boy, nobody diagnosed him until he was so far gone mentally that he never made it back. Because if you arent a skinny woman, surely you dont really have anorexia. Im happy to hear that you have been looking for help, as that is probably the most key part, but obviously also really glad that you have finally found someone who is helping you, and that you have support from your partner.

(and as an aside, I think malnutrition amongst fat folk is probably far, far, FAR more common than is realized, and is almost never treated. Not as severe as anorexia, but still a real problem)


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## Surlysomething (Oct 29, 2010)

Tad said:


> (and as an aside, I think malnutrition amongst fat folk is probably far, far, FAR more common than is realized, and is almost never treated. Not as severe as anorexia, but still a real problem)


 

I agree, Tad.


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## velia (Oct 29, 2010)

Tad said:


> I cant offer any information, and havent been through anything like that myself, but I did lose a childhood friend to anorexiabeing a boy, nobody diagnosed him until he was so far gone mentally that he never made it back. Because if you arent a skinny woman, surely you dont really have anorexia. Im happy to hear that you have been looking for help, as that is probably the most key part, but obviously also really glad that you have finally found someone who is helping you, and that you have support from your partner.
> 
> (and as an aside, I think malnutrition amongst fat folk is probably far, far, FAR more common than is realized, and is almost never treated. Not as severe as anorexia, but still a real problem)



Thanks so much Tad, and I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I've also known men with eating disorders and it's heartbreaking because more often than not they're ridiculed rather than helped with their issues. I agree that malnutrition amongst fat folk is far more common and untreated than it ought to be. We're so often derided for what we choose to put in our mouths--whatever that might be-- the line of what we need to sustain ourselves gets blurred. Or maybe that's just me. Dunno. 

Anyway, I'm really grateful for my partner, too. Without support I don't know if I would have made it as far as looking for help. I would love to see or create some sort of resource list for fat people with eating disorders, but it just sounds offensive somehow. It also bothers me that there is an automatic assumption that if you're fat and have an eating disorder, it has to be a binge disorder. Bah. 

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant some more.


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## Cors (Oct 29, 2010)

No worries at all. Nobody should have to justify their struggles. It sickens me that it is often so much harder for fat people with eating disorders to get the help they need and I admire your courage for persevering and speaking up. :kiss2:

Even if you are having a bad food day (be it a bingeing, purging or starving), try to ensure that you get some vitamins and minerals, particularly calcium, iron, magnesium and potassium. Get a physical exam for peace of mind, learn what you may be susceptible to and the symptoms. I knew a girl who was at least 250lbs and severely bulimic (years of starving, bingeing and purging, laxative abuse) - she died at 23 at one of her higher weights from a heart attack triggered by electrolyte imbalances and she was malnourished.

Anyway, it is not that strange that you are also an FFA. There was at least one thread about it and you are not the only one. As far as I remember, eating disorders have actually been discussed here before by women of varying sizes and most people have actually wonderfully supportive.

Learning to eat again is like learning to live all over again - it is so, so tough and I am glad you have some support. One day at a time, and you will get there in the end.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 29, 2010)

I was hospitalized with severe malnutrition and anemia after starving myself for 18 months and losing over 300 lbs. I lost almost all of my hair and almost my life several times. The hair grew back. I still have permanent complications from my 'little obsession'. I decided that I would show food who was boss and ate so few calories a day, my medical teams said it was a miracle I didn't go into total organ failure. My body showed me really who was the boss and because of my behavior it set off a chain of catastrophic events not to mention awoke a dormant rare genetic condition.

If not for a nutritionist and counseling I would probably be dead. I know now that because I felt like I had no control over my life the easiest thing was to control what I was consuming. I'm okay now but you're never fully 'cured' from an eating disorder. I also realized through counseling that the brief period of cutting myself in my teens was the first visible cry for help. But truth be told, the very few times I reached out to others I was dismissed as an overly emotional precocious awkward fat kid who could stand to lose a few pounds. The weird thing is that I NEVER wanted to be thin. It was a war between my body and food plain and simple. 

I have to be vigilant about my triggers and take prescription vitamins for the rest of my life. Regardless, I'm periodically anemic and have debilitating chronic fatigue. I don't fight food anymore but when I tell people I was hospitalized for severe malnutrition at 350 lbs. the looks on their faces are priceless.

All I can say is, you're not alone in your situation.


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## velia (Oct 31, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I was hospitalized with severe malnutrition and anemia after starving myself for 18 months and losing over 300 lbs. I lost almost all of my hair and almost my life several times. The hair grew back. I still have permanent complications from my 'little obsession'. I decided that I would show food who was boss and ate so few calories a day, my medical teams said it was a miracle I didn't go into total organ failure. My body showed me really who was the boss and because of my behavior it set off a chain of catastrophic events not to mention awoke a dormant rare genetic condition.
> 
> If not for a nutritionist and counseling I would probably be dead. I know now that because I felt like I had no control over my life the easiest thing was to control what I was consuming. I'm okay now but you're never fully 'cured' from an eating disorder. I also realized through counseling that the brief period of cutting myself in my teens was the first visible cry for help. But truth be told, the very few times I reached out to others I was dismissed as an overly emotional precocious awkward fat kid who could stand to lose a few pounds. The weird thing is that I NEVER wanted to be thin. It was a war between my body and food plain and simple.
> 
> ...



Thank you. Your post actually made the possibility of actual malnutrition a reality for me. Being my size, I've always felt like I'd never end up as "bad off" as some other women who were struggling with an ED because I was fatter than all of them, and so I wouldn't ever actually need treatment. 

Now that I've realized its controlling my life and I'm starting to get help-- well, your story couldn't have come at a better time to encourage me that I'm doing the right thing for myself and my family. Thank you so much for being kind enough to share. :wubu:


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## CastingPearls (Oct 31, 2010)

velia said:


> Thank you. Your post actually made the possibility of actual malnutrition a reality for me. Being my size, I've always felt like I'd never end up as "bad off" as some other women who were struggling with an ED because I was fatter than all of them, and so I wouldn't ever actually need treatment.
> 
> Now that I've realized its controlling my life and I'm starting to get help-- well, your story couldn't have come at a better time to encourage me that I'm doing the right thing for myself and my family. Thank you so much for being kind enough to share. :wubu:


You're very welcome. I'm glad I could help in some way and if you ever need to talk, you can always PM me. .


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## Cynthia (Oct 31, 2010)

Velia, thank you for your post. I'm sure that someone reading this forum will find help and perhaps a path to food peace because you had the courage to share your story. 

I want to mention a related eating disorder that people should be aware of -- diabulimia. With this condition, people who are Type 1 diabetics (and on rare occasions, T2) dangerously reduce or eliminate insulin doses to manipulate weight. It may have been discussed in some other thread, but I felt that it was worth bringing up here. I have linked the term above to one of several sources on the Web.

Take care of yourself, and I wish you luck on your journey to wellness.


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## velia (Nov 4, 2010)

Cynthia said:


> Velia, thank you for your post. I'm sure that someone reading this forum will find help and perhaps a path to food peace because you had the courage to share your story.
> 
> I want to mention a related eating disorder that people should be aware of -- diabulimia. With this condition, people who are Type 1 diabetics (and on rare occasions, T2) dangerously reduce or eliminate insulin doses to manipulate weight. It may have been discussed in some other thread, but I felt that it was worth bringing up here. I have linked the term above to one of several sources on the Web.
> 
> Take care of yourself, and I wish you luck on your journey to wellness.



Thank you, Cynthia. I really hope so. I'm also really, really glad you brought up diabulimia. I have recently heard about teens getting a hold of and using insulin to manipulate weight, so it does not surprise me at all to hear that adults who already have access to insulin to manage their diabetes would potentially abuse it as well, unfortunately. I think this particular disorder warrants some serious attention, as the devastating results may be expedited due to the preexisting condition.


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## LoriS (Dec 12, 2010)

I've been bulimic since I was thirteen, and recently I starved myself because I was horribly depressed. As a 320 pound bulimic I was never ever comfortable with even the thought of therapy because I figured any therapist would laugh at me or think I wasn't too good at being a bulimic. Now I'm down to 167 and have started eating again (thank goodness for Prozac) but still have that purge urge pretty often. 

Crazy weird, isn't it?


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