# Supporting her in losing the weight.



## mopardmc (Aug 3, 2010)

I have fallen in love, deeply and madly, with an amazing and beautiful woman. It's life-changing and wonderful and she completely rocks my world. This is not just attraction - this is connection with someone on a whole new level. She's a plus-sized gal (of course), and as a life-long out of the closet FA, I've only ever dated larger or supersized women. She's not really even what I would call fat, just a little on the heavy side. However, this time I've met someone who wasn't always the size she is now, used to be much smaller, and felt much better before she gained weight only recently, and would really like to be thin again. The fact that I like her extra curves makes it more difficult for her, but she has still decided she needs to lose weight.

I just wanted the world to know that I completely support her.

She's incredibly beautiful, and deep down I know that she will always be beautiful to me. What makes her beautiful is not just her body - it's her happiness, the way she glows, her radiant smile and having a good life. If what she needs is to lose weight to be healthy and happy, then it is my job to support her in that.

Of course I'm terrified. What if I'm not attracted to her anymore? In reality, my sexuality is messed up anyway. I've spent the better part of ten years indulging in feeder fantasies and extreme obesity stories on the internet. Frickin internet. All these fantasies I love to entertain but know I would never want the reality of. So if my wildest fantasies are that eff'ed up anyway, why should I even care what she looks like to begin with? Because when I look at her, I just know deep down, that she's the woman for me.

Besides, knowing who she is and what we have together means so much more to me than sexual attraction. I used to be so obsessed with it - and believe me, you can get really carried away - and now, with something so magical happening, it just seems so much less important to me than just realizing the value of being with the right person. She will always be beautiful to me, at any size, because of the beautiful person she is. A relationship hinged fundamentally on someone's body being a particular way is not going to last; and I really want this to last a long, long time.

Some of you might say that I'm not being honest with myself. That if I truly like larger women, I should be with one and not go back in the closet, so to speak. Well, all things being equal, you might be right. But this woman of mine is one of a kind, and she only comes in the size she comes in. For something this amazing, I think its worth a little blind faith. Besides, I think she will always be curvy at any size, and to be honest I'm not that worried about it.

Some of you might say that she should accept herself for the big beautiful woman she has become. I suppose, that having lived life as a thin person makes even more painful and intense the insane contrast between how the world treats fat and thin people. Also, what do you or even I know about what is best for her? The message of size acceptance is that we should not be judged for our bodies being a certain size, or for wanting it to be otherwise. Knowing my personal bias, it's probably better if I just stayed out of her business in that regard.

I never asked to be an FA. I didn't choose it. Nor do I resent it - I will always have an eye for the extra-curvy female form, there's no doubt in my mind. It's a permanent program in my mind. That fact however doesn't define me or describe who or what I am, what I believe, or what kind of relationship I should be in. It's just my sexuality. I believe can accept it for what it is, and still have an amazing, life with a beautiful, curvy but thin woman.

Am I crazy? If she still has basically wider hips and is generally soft and womanly, that should be fine, right? Right? Yeah. That would totally work.


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## musicman (Aug 4, 2010)

mopardmc said:


> I have fallen in love, deeply and madly, with an amazing and beautiful woman. It's life-changing and wonderful and she completely rocks my world. This is not just attraction - this is connection with someone on a whole new level. She's a plus-sized gal (of course), and as a life-long out of the closet FA, I've only ever dated larger or supersized women. She's not really even what I would call fat, just a little on the heavy side. However, this time I've met someone who wasn't always the size she is now, used to be much smaller, and felt much better before she gained weight only recently, and would really like to be thin again. The fact that I like her extra curves makes it more difficult for her, but she has still decided she needs to lose weight.
> 
> I just wanted the world to know that I completely support her.
> 
> ...



So what do you want from us? Do you want us to talk you out of it, or give you validation? I'm sorry, but none of us really know you, so we can't do either one. It's your life and you have to live with your decisions. Personally, I'm wondering why it took you so many words to express your certainty about this woman. Go back and re-read everything you just wrote. Your answer is probably in there somewhere. Good luck.


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## AnnMarie (Aug 4, 2010)

If she's happy - and you're happy - more power to you both. Many people never, ever find that connection with someone. Many think they find out only to find out it's all smoke and mirrors. 

Enjoy.


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## calauria (Aug 4, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> If she's happy - and you're happy - more power to you both. Many people never, ever find that connection with someone. Many think they find out only to find out it's all smoke and mirrors.
> 
> Enjoy.



This is just depressing.


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## Jon Blaze (Aug 5, 2010)

It's really up to you and how your fantasies, true desires, and tolerance mesh with one another. Others can only really speculate based on how those three are to them mixed with what you just said.

Maybe a larger woman is your ideal. I don't necessarily think reaching a point that is tolerable vs one is ideal is "Not going" to work. There may be some issues, but it depends on you. You realize that for you that there's a personal piece for her as a person, and physical things. There's nothing wrong with wondering in your mind sometimes.


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## KHayes666 (Aug 5, 2010)

As someone else who didn't choose to be an F/A, I know how you feel more than anyone.

If you love her for HER then it shouldn't matter if she loses weight. After you two stop having sex (whenever that may be, it happens to us all) is what you have left to fall back on worthy of a long lasting relationship? Do you two have a lot in common more than just physical attraction?

If you answer yes then it doesn't matter what she weighs, you love her for her personality...not just her looks. You should support her losing weight because its the right thing to do and she'll appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

The choice is yours, think with your dick and leave her for losing weight...or think with your head and be there for her no matter what


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## AnnMarie (Aug 5, 2010)

calauria said:


> This is just depressing.



Wasn't meant to be at all, I'm telling him to enjoy/cherish what he has. It's rare, drink it in.


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## Tooz (Aug 5, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> Wasn't meant to be at all, I'm telling him to enjoy/cherish what he has. It's rare, drink it in.



That's crap, the guy calls himself a freak because he likes weight gain and ssbbw.


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## Angel (Aug 5, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> After you two stop having sex (whenever that may be, it happens to us all)



Funny. I never got _that_ memo. Gaining 300 pounds in ~10 years didn't change the activity level, quality, or the frequency. Neither did losing 150 pounds. Neither did gaining 50 of it back. But..... he wasn't an FA. And.... our relationship was based on love.



KHayes666 said:


> is what you have left to fall back on worthy of a long lasting relationship? Do you two have a lot in common more than just physical attraction?



My opinion: It's not "what you have left to fall back on" or having "a lot in common" that determines if someone is "worthy" of having "a lasting relationship" with. To me it's more about love and mutual respect, and a person's character, and the way they treat me. 

A couple can have everything, financial stability, wealth, health, happiness, etc. and still not have a successful or even a mutually satisfying relationship- be that on either an emotional or sexual level. On the other hand another couple could have everything, lose it all, including their health, and still maintain an emotionally and even sexually satisfying "long lasting relationship".

What both parties emotionally put into a relationship is what will determine if it will be "long lasting" or not. If two individuals are emotionally invested in each other and also in each others life, well being, and happiness; and if they are committed to each other and to staying together they are going to have a pretty good advantage. Note I said two individuals. One individual cannot keep a relaionship together no matter how hard they try if both parties don't share the same level of commitment.




KHayes666 said:


> The choice is yours, think with your dick and leave her for losing weight...or think with your head and be there for her no matter what



Or... he could think with his heart and consider her best interests and take them to heart - what would be best for her short term and long term. This is where it gets sticky when it comes to being an FA and considering something long term with someone who isn't his physical ideal. Is it really fair to the female if you know you'll always be thinking about another body type? Is it really fair to her if you'll settle for a smaller her yet be perusing fat sites? 


I sure wouldn't want to be that female.


I think the OP needs to consider more than his own future feelings, now, before considering the "long lasting" or marriage. He may think it a thing of valor to stay with her as opposed to an FA who would leave. More emotional damage can be done over time and in the long run than if someone were completely honest with them self about their FAness. It won't just go away. How does this woman know? Countless FAs couldn't get it out of their system no matter how hard they had hoped. Ask any female here how many times married men who are married to skinny women have messaged them, wanting more than just friendly conversation.


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## KHayes666 (Aug 5, 2010)

Angel said:


> Funny. I never got _that_ memo. Gaining 300 pounds in ~10 years didn't change the activity level, quality, or the frequency. Neither did losing 150 pounds. Neither did gaining 50 of it back. But..... he wasn't an FA. And.... our relationship was based on love.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Part 1. I wasn't talking about size being the end to having sex. I'm talking about Father Time and Mother Nature getting in the way. Our grandparents and parents stopped doing it (most of them anyway) so the point i was making is if once you get on in years, do you have the mutual interests to remain together?

Part 2. That's what I was talking about. Excuse me for not going into extraordinary detail about what I meant but love and mutual respect is what I was covering.

Part 3. I'd marry a skinny woman and stay with that skinny woman if she happened to be the greatest girl I've ever met. I'm not some backwoods F/A who marries a thin girl and gawks at fat girls and messages them asking to do more than have a friendly conversation. Unfortunately, a lot of other F/A's aren't like that. They'll do the things you described and its unfortunate but part of life.

You do make a good point about how he should ask what SHE feels is right. Mutual understanding is very key. The OP has admitted his feelings, its up to him what he does now.


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## wrench13 (Aug 6, 2010)

Ordinarily , I usualy state that if your a FA, the real kind, then someone who is bent on loosing weight as an issue is always going to bug you and likely fester into a sour relationship, and to move on to someone who is more attuned.

But you seem to have struck gold, and are attracted on deeper levels, signifficantly so. I would stay the course. That attraction is so rare, so wonderfully rare. Who knows you could one of the couples that last 40-50 years together, and deep down ( some REALLY deep down) that is what each of us yearns for in a relationship. 

Good luck!


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## mercy (Aug 6, 2010)

mopardmc said:


> Some of you might say that I'm not being honest with myself. That if I truly like larger women, I should be with one and not go back in the closet, so to speak. Well, all things being equal, you might be right.



Just to put a different spin on things: If a non-FA said "my partner has gained weight and if I don't dump her I'm not being honest with myself" then they'd be hailed as an asshole by all and sundry.


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## ThatFatGirl (Aug 6, 2010)

mercy said:


> Just to put a different spin on things: If a non-FA said "my partner has gained weight and if I don't dump her I'm not being honest with myself" then they'd be hailed as an asshole by all and sundry.



Unfortunately I cannot rep you at this time. I would shower you and this post with it if I could.


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## AnnMarie (Aug 6, 2010)

mercy said:


> Just to put a different spin on things: If a non-FA said "my partner has gained weight and if I don't dump her I'm not being honest with myself" then they'd be hailed as an asshole by all and sundry.




Not all - for me it goes both ways. For some, hell yes, they'd lose their f-ing mind.

However, if the non-FA chose to stay with his newly fat partner, knowing full well it would possibly change their love life for the worse, but he knows he loves her very much, etc, etc... then whatever, his choice.


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## LoveBHMS (Aug 7, 2010)

> Part 1. I wasn't talking about size being the end to having sex. I'm talking about Father Time and Mother Nature getting in the way. Our grandparents and parents stopped doing it (most of them anyway) so the point i was making is if once you get on in years, do you have the mutual interests to remain together?



LOL. 

No, they haven't. Reminds me of the old joke where the girl asks her grandmother how old you have to be to stop enjoying sex and grandma says "Child you have to ask somebody older than me."


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## EtobicokeFA (Aug 9, 2010)

mopardmc said:


> Some of you might say that she should accept herself for the big beautiful woman she has become. I suppose, that having lived life as a thin person makes even more painful and intense the insane contrast between how the world treats fat and thin people. Also, what do you or even I know about what is best for her? The message of size acceptance is that we should not be judged for our bodies being a certain size, or for wanting it to be otherwise. Knowing my personal bias, it's probably better if I just stayed out of her business in that regard.



I might get in trouble for this. However, if the message of size acceptance is that we should not be judged for our bodies being a certain size, or for wanting it to be otherwise. When do we get to the part where we learn to accept ourselves for who we are, and not for who we should be to fit into society? And, when do we change society to fit us? 

Because, the real message of size acceptance is not only to stop having our bodies judged by others, but to stop ourselves from unfairly judging our own bodies. 

We need ask ourself, if we are (try to) change ourselves in hopes that the world will treat us better, how is that different from let people judging us about our weight. Yes, if we where all thin and Hollywood beautiful, the world will treats us a lot better, so I can't blame anybody, I just want to know why we still call it size acceptance, when we do. And, what about the ones that does not have the option?

And, before you set me on fire, remember I am a fattie as well.


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## Adrian (Aug 30, 2010)

When my wife is on one of these weight loss kicks, I just shut up! About five years ago, she once got on my case because I didn't encourage her to loose weight. I told her I married a BBW because I love large women. When your weight went up I have never gotten on your case because you gained weight like all your friend's husbands, did I... NO!! When you are loosing weight, I can not say anything positive (from your perspective) without lying, which would destroy my credibility in telling the truth. So I choose to say nothing, at least you know I am being honest.
These days when my wife goes to "Curves" to exercise and after a couple of weeks looses some weight, when she tells me she has lost five pounds, I will say something benign such as, "I am glad to see a smile on your face, you accomplished something you have worked hard on."
No further comments from my wife on the topic.


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## Gspoon (Aug 31, 2010)

Support her losing weight, eh?

All I can say is this: Who am I to say they cannot lose weight?

To be honest, when ever I meet a BBW that I would like to get to know or possibly go further, such as dating and what have you. I see her for her fat body. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

With that being said, if I am attracted to someone for their body and we start dating and what have you, the Body generally isn't what keeps me. It's personality. When personality takes over (for me at least), I just want what ever makes her happy.

Because it is man law: If she isn't happy, YOU aren't happy... do your best to make her smile .

I am glad you mentioned you support her, support is always the best key in any relationship. It is as important as communication, positive energy and making love. Good for you, man!


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## gangstadawg (Aug 31, 2010)

Gspoon said:


> Support her losing weight, eh?
> 
> All I can say is this: Who am I to say they cannot lose weight?
> 
> ...



agree with this statment.


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## joswitch (Sep 26, 2010)

mercy said:


> Just to put a different spin on things: If a non-FA said "my partner has gained weight and if I don't dump her I'm not being honest with myself" then they'd be hailed as an asshole by all and sundry.



Sure... on DIMs... There's boards out there where that kind of talk is praised...


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## Dr. P Marshall (Oct 1, 2010)

wrench13 said:


> Ordinarily , I usualy state that if your a FA, the real kind, then someone who is bent on loosing weight as an issue is always going to bug you and likely fester into a sour relationship, and to move on to someone who is more attuned.
> 
> But you seem to have struck gold, and are attracted on deeper levels, signifficantly so. I would stay the course. That attraction is so rare, so wonderfully rare. Who knows you could one of the couples that last 40-50 years together, and deep down ( some REALLY deep down) that is what each of us yearns for in a relationship.
> 
> Good luck!


I agree with this. It sounds like you two really have something deep and special.



Angel said:


> Funny. I never got _that_ memo. Gaining 300 pounds in ~10 years didn't change the activity level, quality, or the frequency. Neither did losing 150 pounds. Neither did gaining 50 of it back. But..... he wasn't an FA. And.... our relationship was based on love.[/COLOR
> 
> 
> Or... he could think with his heart and consider her best interests and take them to heart - what would be best for her short term and long term. This is where it gets sticky when it comes to being an FA and considering something long term with someone who isn't his physical ideal. Is it really fair to the female if you know you'll always be thinking about another body type? Is it really fair to her if you'll settle for a smaller her yet be perusing fat sites?
> ...



I think this is really unfair to fat admirers. You just stated that it's perfectly possible for a non-FA to be in a loving relationship with someone who changes but you seem to think that we are innately incapable of the same type of relationship. We're people, you know. We're all different. There's not some "FA gene" that magically makes us all run to the internet when our partners lose weight. Or that make us incapable of actually having a loving, lasting relationship that can weather time and changes. 



Tooz said:


> That's crap, the guy calls himself a freak because he likes weight gain and ssbbw.


See, I didn't get that from his OP. I thought he meant that his specific fantasies are so extreme as to be irrelevant to real life. That they may be things that are impossible or impractical to his actual sexual experiences. I didn't think he meant that he was a freak for being attracted to SSBBW and weight gain. For example, suppose he had immobility fantasies and they were extremely specific and he knew he would never want that in a real world relationship. That would make it perfectly possible that he could find his personal fantasies freaky, but not all weight gain fantasies.


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## kkhearts13 (Oct 2, 2010)

you sound like a really loving adoring guy, who really cares for is gf, enough to put your happiness aside for her's. i wish you the best it must be the biggest catch 22 for you!


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## GTAFA (Oct 2, 2010)

I really like this post precisely because it's problematic. One of the great things about categories are the exceptions to the rule. Categories are ultimately mental constructs, right? 

I found myself having twinges of recognition reading this. I married a SSBBW who dieted. I supported her through her weight-loss. And we eventually got a divorce even though we're friends to this day. The fictions in my own mind --concerning love or otherwise-- are what I find myself contemplating to this day. Did I fail, or did we fail somehow? I dunno. Is marriage a test, where going the distance =success, and divorce = failure? i don't think so. I prefer to think that we were right for one another at one time, my FA-ness being exactly what she needed to validate her and make her feel loved; and once she felt loved she got busy changing her life in several key ways. While I always made it clear I loved her as she was, i couldn't make my love conditional, could I? i did my level best, but in the end a man can't fake orgasms. I did experience some anxiety with her, when i felt she was watching my reactions, as if she hoped i would love the new thin version of her. Sigh... If we had really really been in love you'd think we would have transcended any superficial concerns. But the reality for us was that we'd come together on a wave of infatuation (pun intended) that simply lost its momentum when she lost weight. Maybe we could have patched it up; but she had a couple of affairs, going off with one of the new guys who liked her thin, so i don't feel i really failed. That doesn't stop me from looking back and asking, wondering...

And so I totally respect the questions you're asking / contemplating. On the one hand dimensions purports to be about empowerment & fat acceptance, but as far as i understand it, love isn't supposed to be conditional. Is it love when, for example, you only love a woman when she has big boobs? (what if she gets cancer and needs a mastectomy?) 

You're posing some really interesting questions, to which only you can provide your answer(s).


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## furious styles (Oct 2, 2010)

Angel said:


> Funny. I never got _that_ memo. Gaining 300 pounds in ~10 years didn't change the activity level, quality, or the frequency. Neither did losing 150 pounds. Neither did gaining 50 of it back. But..... he wasn't an FA. And.... our relationship was based on love.



are those things mutually exclusive? 



if you are happy with the person you're with, stay with them. if you're not, don't. how complicated does it have to be?


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## Tina (Oct 3, 2010)

Angel said:


> Funny. I never got _that_ memo. Gaining 300 pounds in ~10 years didn't change the activity level, quality, or the frequency. Neither did losing 150 pounds. Neither did gaining 50 of it back. But..... he wasn't an FA. And.... our relationship was based on love.


My dad is almost 91 and my mom is almost 86. They stopped having sex less than 5 years ago. As my mother said back then, "we have sex every day, and sometimes twice a day."

I'm like, "Wow, that's fantastic, Mom! I'm really happy for you. Just... no details, please."

Sex is always possible no matter how fat one gets; it just might become a bit less 'conventional.'


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## exile in thighville (Oct 3, 2010)

and a little more nasal


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## Emma (Oct 3, 2010)

mercy said:


> Just to put a different spin on things: If a non-FA said "my partner has gained weight and if I don't dump her I'm not being honest with myself" then they'd be hailed as an asshole by all and sundry.



Yes, but what if someone posted a thread that said 'my partner has gained weight, how can I support her in feeling better about herself?'


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## joswitch (Oct 3, 2010)

GTAFA said:


> I really like this post precisely because it's problematic. One of the great things about categories are the exceptions to the rule. Categories are ultimately mental constructs, right?
> 
> I found myself having twinges of recognition reading this. I married a SSBBW who dieted. I supported her through her weight-loss. And we eventually got a divorce even though we're friends to this day. The fictions in my own mind --concerning love or otherwise-- are what I find myself contemplating to this day. Did I fail, or did we fail somehow? I dunno. Is marriage a test, where going the distance =success, and divorce = failure? i don't think so. I prefer to think that we were right for one another at one time, *my FA-ness being exactly what she needed to validate her and make her feel loved; and once she felt loved she got busy changing her life in several key ways. *


Ah, yes, been there:
"You love me as I am!? great! Now I feel validated enough to change myself!"
:doh:


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## trackstar (Oct 31, 2010)

mercy said:


> Just to put a different spin on things: If a non-FA said "my partner has gained weight and if I don't dump her I'm not being honest with myself" then they'd be hailed as an asshole by all and sundry.



I don't think people are getting what you're saying. It's such a good point that I want to hopefully clarify it.

There are so many posts about moral issues with being an FA and having a thin partner. (Is it fair to the thin partner if you're always thinking of larger people?) In this speific case, the partner was larger, and now is going to lose weight and become thin. People ask if its moral to stay with the thin partner. Many say that it is unfair and immoral. 

Mercy brings up that for a non-FA, their thin partner gaining weight is the same exact scenario as the op's. And that in most cases, if the non-FA left their partner who was now fat, because of their weight, and sex issues, the non-fa would be veiwed as shallow, and an asshole. Here in the size acceptance community, this shallowness is usually frowned on. 

This post is calling the people who say, "the op will be immoral if he stays with her when she's thin, because he will always be thinking of other women", hypocrits. And I agree. 

*If people here are unaccepting of an FA having a thin partner, then how can the people here also feel offended, or angry, when a non-fa doesn't accept a larger partner. *

I know this doesn't apply to everyone of course. :blush:


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## joswitch (Oct 31, 2010)

trackstar said:


> *snip*
> 
> 
> Mercy brings up that for a non-FA, their thin partner gaining weight is the same exact scenario as the op's.



No, it's not.
Not unless the thin partner is:
a) gaining weight deliberately
b) is unhappy being thin and wants to be fat

Which, is pretty rare.



> And that in most cases, if the non-FA left their partner who was now fat, because of their weight, and sex issues, the non-fa would be veiwed as shallow, and an asshole. Here in the size acceptance community, this shallowness is usually frowned on.



Nope. 
It's frowned on by the people who believe in sexual sainthood.
Which is the belief that people not only can, but should / must be horny for their partner's inner soul, without regard to their body.
Although these people are predominant on this board, it has nothing to do with size acceptance.

Size aceptance doesn't dictate that you must intimately love / have sex with people you are not physically attracted to.
Size acceptance dictates you treat different people of different sizes, decently.



> This post is calling the people who say, "the op will be immoral if he stays with her when she's thin, because he will always be thinking of other women", hypocrits. And I agree.
> 
> *If people here are unaccepting of an FA having a thin partner, then how can the people here also feel offended, or angry, when a non-fa doesn't accept a larger partner. *
> 
> I know this doesn't apply to everyone of course. :blush:



Again, your mixing up political / social "acceptance". Which is what SA is about.
With personal sexuality, which is NOT what SA is about.

As to hypocrisy:
I think you'll be hard pushed to find anyone on here who simultaneously holds the opinion that:
A thin-admirer is bad for leaving a once-thin-now-fat partner
AND
A fat-admirer is good for leaving a once-fat-now-thin partner.

Personally, I think both positions are morally equivalent.
And I don't see either as being bad/good per. se.
Morals are irrellevant in both attraction and love.
Either you desire / love someone or .... you don't.

*Morality lies in how you treat the people you love, or leave. When you are loving, or leaving them. Not in the why.*


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## ZainTheInsane (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, I don't know about the rest of these people, but I say more power to you! 
I'm in a similar situation, and I believe that it is more important that you love her, care for her, and are happy, than have your fantasies become reality.

Besides, if she loves you, she'll be more than willing (unless its a big psychological block for her, aka bad juju...) to indulge in playful fantasies, tease you with things you enjoy as an FA, and be willing to talk dirty (fat talk) and every so often indulge in a bit of dessert or something while you watch or feed it to her.

The real key is communication and compromise. Be happy, and I wish you all the best!


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