# "Loving me is not a fetish..."



## Kawaii Pudding (Apr 6, 2015)

I have been thinking a lot about those words, you guys have NO idea. Those words haunt me in my sleep sometime. 

As of recently I've kind of gotten to the point of "I guess I'll be content being alone" because of media continuously throwing in my face that I'm either a fetish or something shameful and sometimes I will win the prize and be considered both at one time! Someone recently told me I was the "triple threat" of the things you don't want to be seen dating (a 1. Fat 2. Black 3. American woman) and he also informed me that he would rather "go gay" then to ever let himself be suckered into "boning me" 

I'm not saying I don't think he's a jerk or a douche but what I am saying is so many people think that and it has me in an almost depressed state. Yes I am black and YES I am a fat ass woman. I'm not denying those things at all. I am not however, a stereotype. I have no kids, I'm not loud, I'm not agressive, I don't control everything, and a lot of these other labels that are pinned to me do NOT apply to MY personality (okay fine I do love fried chicken but come on...it's FRIED FREAKIN CHICKEN) I'm actually polar opposite of most of these sterotypes and it upsets me when I do have Caucasian friends say things like "that was a race card moment" or "now isn't the time to act ethnic" I even had one tell me I'm not black enough (not even in color but in mannerisms and etiquette) to be offended by the N word....WHAT?! Bare with me here I'm getting to the point of why I started this thread. So far you're being a super duper trooper. 

When I am on dating sites (and even a few times on here) I always get "I've never had black *meow* before" "I'd love to try a taste of chocolate" " I've always wanted to be with a fat black bitch" um...sir. First off, hello to you too and where is the thought process coming from that make you think it's okay to call me a bitch or make my race a deciding factor on whether or not you want to have sex with me NOT EVEN DATE OR TALK TO ME but just stick it on in there. Oh but don't forget about the part where when I say no thanks I'm in the wrong then I'm a *insert something EXTREMELY racist as well as something about my weight* and stop before you think "oh maybe it's how you represent yourself" I never mention ANYTHING sexual and on most of these places I do a full profile with tons of information to build real common grounds as well as a section where I say I'm not looking for casual sex or hookups "maybe it's an age thing" wrong again it happens with men of ALL ages. 

I feel as if not only do I have to fight the fat shaming I constantly go through but I feel as though I'm skin shamed? (is that a thing?) Even on here I don't tend to see many women of color who I can talk to or vent to about this "lost in my own world" feeling which is why this loving me is not a fetish thing bothers me so much WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT LOVING ME ISN'T A FETISH shouldn't it be obvious? I'm a great (well I'm at the LEAST an okay) person to be around, I'm funny and witty, I'm easygoing, and I'm very compassionate...what's not to love? Please women of color (and men that love them) give me some insight. Does it get better/easier? Do you notice it? Do you care any longer if it's ever happened to you? ​


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## loopytheone (Apr 6, 2015)

First off, just let me say that I agree you are great and that anybody who says otherwise isn't worth being around. 

I can't answer any of the skin colour/race things you bring up as a) I'm white and b) race isn't considered as big a deal over here as it is in other parts of the world. On the other hand, I am a fat woman so I can give you insight from that perspective. 

Dating sites are full of people like that, no matter what your size or colour. I had an okcupid profile very briefly and got several messages per day that were basically just mentions of lewd sexual acts they would like to perform with me even though my profile was fully filled out and made it clear I wasn't interested in casual sex. A lot of men just don't look at your profile other than the pictures and send out hundreds of lewd messages to women every day. Presumably it works for some women? I dunno. Men getting angry/insulting towards you if you ignore them or turn them down is very common as well. I think it has something to do with their injured male pride. One comment that comes to mind for me personally is when I turned somebody down and they replied 'But I like fat women' as if that meant I was obliged to fall into bed with him.  I guess what I am trying to say is that it isn't anything wrong with you or anything like that that causes these guys to act like that. They are just assholes who view women of all shapes, sizes and colours as objects for their gratification. 

And now, on a different note but still on the same subject, I've had a while to think about the whole 'I'm not a fetish' thing in general and I am not sure I see what the issue is. The only serious relationship I've been in (we were engaged for about a year) was with a person who was very large (perfectly fitting my 'fat fetish') who liked bigger women, like myself. So whilst we definitely did fetishise each others bodies, it didn't make our relationship any less meaningful or based on love for each others personalities and such. I understand that people who only see men/women as vessels for their fetish and not as human beings are predatory and awful, but I don't understand why their is an assumption that everybody with a fetish/preference acts this way? I found it absolutely amazing to be not only loved for my personality and charm but also to be the sexiest thing in the world to my partner.


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## ODFFA (Apr 6, 2015)

Apologies if it seems like I'm totally out of my depth in replying here, seeing as I'm neither black, nor a BBW. I am a woman though, and like loopy, I do know what it's like to be an admirer of the more luxurious body type. Plus, I just felt like sending some encouragement your way.

This is just a thing so many women deal with already, being reduced to a sexual fulfillment machine. But I've heard many a BBW mention this issue and I can imagine it's heightened even more with the fetish being so specific and non-mainstream. Dating sites.... ugh man, it's a jungle out there. Those types of messages are par for the course. And you're right, immaturity isn't always outgrown. Some dudes will get dreadfully juvenile the moment their egos are bruised (some women do the same).

But there are people with fetishes & strong preferences who are in it for a meaningful relationship, as loopy mentioned. Really, they're out there. Then there are those who're clearly not as keen to invest in the whole person and build something deep, grand and complex. I can hear you're getting weary from all the weeding out that comes with being in the dating game. And I can relate, to a lesser degree, but I can. Truly though, there are guys who will fall in love with you for _you_. They'll love your body because they're wired to, but their favourite thing about it will be the fact that it's _your_ body. As an FFA, that's how I love. And I know male FAs who yearn for that relational connection just as much.

Best of luck. You deserve to be admired and desired for evvverything you are.


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## Kawaii Pudding (Apr 6, 2015)

Hello to both of you!

First and most important. My opionion is that a fetish and a preference are different to me anyway. Do I want to be someone's preference? yes. and for MANY reasons. Do I want to be someone's fetish? Well no of course not. I have preferences...we all do. I would love to be someone's chocolate bunny (my friends call me that) and have them love my wierdness, uniqueness and smart comebacks but as you both have mentioned...people sometimes don't build that. I think my rose colored glasses have been fogged up over the years and I've been labeled over the years and starting to get the "is this all I'm going to amount to" feeling.


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## superodalisque (Apr 9, 2015)

dating sites in particular are full of assholes. there are a lot of racist trolls online, a whole lot of guys who are never gonna leave mamma's basement for anyone anyway and want to make it your problem. as a fat black woman I feel ya. TG I had already been dating often and had more than one long term relationship before I ever got online nearly twenty years ago as a quasi disinterested party or I might actually believe the fetish crap when it comes to trying to date myself. 

being attracted to fat people isn't a fetish. fat people just look sexy to the people they look sexy to. always have. always will. most people are fat. they are dating. most married people are fat. where i work a lot of the women are fat. every last one of them are in a committed relationship. not one single fat ass in the place including mine. when you are younger people will make you believe it's a big deal but it isn't. the key is not to get caught up in the "oddity" BS going on in the community. it's not true that everybody in society is against you or that it takes a fetishist to want you. it's just the diet product, spanx selling media that is against you and other people will use that to get what they want. 

and, please don't trust people in the community who are always talking and have NO relationship experience. they don't date. they haven't had LTRs. and they have never met any of the people they parrot online. don't trust anybody who gets paid to be fat either. they have a vested interest in making you feel there is something wrong with you.

there is something wrong with the guys who accost you online. they ARE racist. they ARE stupid. and they ARE hateful. they aren't any nicer to women who aren't black because they are simply typical abusers who try to game women by telling them they are unwanted like any abuser will. any man who goes around parroting over and over again that society doesn't find you attractive is playing a mind game--so run!

black men face similar racism too whether they want to date fat women or they are fat. they have people who want them to be a wife cuckold and watch and they (other men) want to be raped by black men and have them play the mandingo stereotype--just a big black rutting penis, not a person at all. people used to be able to do that at a whim during slavery and now are trying to get the outlet in other ways. and always pushing their racial illnesses on unsuspecting and almost totally unwilling black people is dehumanizing. but they don't care. 

I would watch out for any guy who claims his attraction to fat women is only a fetish. a lot of them just don't want to say that you are beautiful and attractive. that would give power to you that they don't want you to have. they don't even have an idea what a fetish actually is. they don't want you to be able to expect the same respect and care that all women of all sizes should. instead they like being able to say they have a fetish as an excuse. they can act like you are a burden and if they COULD they would not be attracted to you because life would be so much easier "sigh". 

I don't think finding fat people attractive is a preference either. I think it is a simple attraction, just like some people like dark skin or blue eyes or dimples. fat people aren't a sexual designation. there isn't a LGBT_F_ community for a reason. it's because we are just like everybody else except our parts are fatter. people don't going around saying their sexual preference is for tall people. they say they find tall people attractive. 

BTW I am a fat black woman too. I have a lot of fat black women friends. they have ALL experienced the same thing. if you need some emotional support feel free to message me anytime okay. what is done and said to you is not okay. it will never be okay. it doesn't matter what color the person is it's being done to because emotional abuse is not okay. it's not normal. it's not natural even if it does happen a lot. pathological behavior isn't normal behavior just because a number of pathologically messed up people decide to congregate on a dating site etc...

i'm suggesting to you what I suggest to all of my friends. go out IRL. do what you like. date yourself. it's probably the best way to meet a decent person. if you wait in the house more entitled emotionally lazy and emotionally unintelligent people seem to cross your path because they think people come by pushing buttons.


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## CleverBomb (Apr 9, 2015)

superodalisque said:


> <<the whole post>>


This. All of it.


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## loopytheone (Apr 9, 2015)

superodalisque said:


> This post.



I'm out of rep but I agree totally.


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## magodamilion (Apr 9, 2015)

The fact that you're experiencing this in Boston in extremely depressing to me. I'm a thin black woman who lives in the south and is moving soon and I always figured this sort of thing would get better in other locations. But maybe not based on what you're saying.

I don't really have much to add on this subject that hasn't already been said, aside from letting you now that this is definitely something that probably all black women experience at some point in time. The only time I didn't experience this sort of thing was when I temporarily lived in Europe. 

Also have you ever read Gradient Lair? It's a great blog that discusses issues like these in depth. Very interesting stuff.


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## Kawaii Pudding (Apr 10, 2015)

Oh wow I will have to check it out and I can say it's not as bad here as it used to be when I was younger but it's still very bad and I'm not the type of person to take what someone says and make it into a racist or racial matter it's usually obvious signs of it... If that makes sense


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## superodalisque (Apr 11, 2015)

magodamilion said:


> The fact that you're experiencing this in Boston in extremely depressing to me. I'm a thin black woman who lives in the south and is moving soon and I always figured this sort of thing would get better in other locations. But maybe not based on what you're saying.
> 
> I don't really have much to add on this subject that hasn't already been said, aside from letting you now that this is definitely something that probably all black women experience at some point in time. The only time I didn't experience this sort of thing was when I temporarily lived in Europe.
> 
> Also have you ever read Gradient Lair? It's a great blog that discusses issues like these in depth. Very interesting stuff.


 

gradient lair has some great stuff in it. it is such a good source. i'm sure a lot of people here would like it. ty for posting this.


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## finland (May 3, 2015)

"Loving me is not a fetish" is also a really good line in this spoken word poem "10 honest thoughts on being loved by a skinny boy" by Rachel Wiley

http://youtu.be/tRFOTqTicvY

Check it out if you want


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