# The End of the Affair--Recovery from a Passive Aggressive.



## LoveBHMS (Jul 23, 2010)

This week I've ended things with a man with whom I've had an on/off thing for the past seven years. It got so bad towards the end that I can barely remember any good times we had.

I spent hours online reading about passive aggressives and it was clear he met every criteria and that many women had gone through what I did. There were lies, more lies, manipulation, neglect, obstructionism. If anyone else has dealt with a real passive aggressive, you know what I'm talking about.

A passive aggressive never says no. They're too afraid of conflict. So they say yes to everything and then simply don't follow through leaving you angry, frustrated, and disappointed. A PA is afraid of dependence and needing somebody, so he punishes her. He lies, he withdraws, he ignores her. When she reaches out because she needs something, he turns away. Any attempt she makes to draw closer is met with resentment and some sort of punishment.

Passive aggressives are super manipulators. If you get angry, they get angry at you for being angry. If you're upset he neglected your birthday, he turns it around to complain about how busy he is at work and how _you're a terrible uncaring person for not understanding how overworked he is._ If you had a bad day his was worse. If you're needy you're pushed away with twin reassurances that he does love you but that you're not being understanding about his needs.

They are all talk and no action. All broken promises. Your self esteem is gone because you wonder why you're being treated that way. The withdrawing is the worst because the more you beg, plead, cry, and express your needs the worse it gets. With a PA you're not allowed to have needs; only his needs matter. A PA will treat you like garbage and then force you to apologize for being angry and resentful. A PA will treat you like garbage and then insist you see just how terrible you are because you become enraged and launch attacks on him. The best thing i've read is that when you rage at a passive aggressive it's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

When it's over you see it for the abuse it always was. Rejection is fine, what's not fine is for somebody to say they love you and then neglect to treat you properly.


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## spiritangel (Jul 23, 2010)

OMG that is so my ex or if he did what he said he would do it would come with a string of anger and resentment after the fact or during the fact thanks for sharing I diddnt even realise he was passive agressive till I read this so much of his behaviour just clicked into place for me 

thank you


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 23, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> OMG that is so my ex or if he did what he said he would do it would come with a string of anger and resentment after the fact or during the fact thanks for sharing I diddnt even realise he was passive agressive till I read this so much of his behaviour just clicked into place for me
> 
> thank you



It was almost frightening for me to see how much of his behaviour was textbook passive aggressive. He hit EVERY indicator, down to the chronic lateness and inability to give a straight answer for anything. These people are crazymakers. They revisit history--they claim they never said what they said or that they _meant_ something else. When you get angry it's your fault for "ruining everything" and your inability to get past things.


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## spiritangel (Jul 23, 2010)

I had no idea that chronic lateness was a part of it, I can see soo much of my ex within what you wrote its scary. I was upset when it ended but it diddnt take me to long to see I was far better off

It helps though to see that I diddnt imagine these behaviours


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 23, 2010)

If you read a couple of accounts from women who went out with or married or lived with PA, you will see strikingly similar behaviour, including things you never really thought were part of a pattern.

One of the saddest things to come to terms with is when you realize the PA knows exactly what he's doing to you. For a long time I wrote it off as he "must not be that into me" or he was just a jerk. Now I realize it was much worse. One thing he made a habit of doing was turning everything around to make it my fault. If I got angry he didn't call, he yelled at me for not being understanding about his work. If I got angry I was not getting support or attention, he got angry at me for yelling or lashing out. It was NEVER about what he did and always about my reactions.


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## spiritangel (Jul 23, 2010)

I have just googled and been reading up on PA's and wow so many things I wish I had of known, because that is what I was dealing with on a day to day basis

I cannot thank you enough it has totally helped so much I never understood click into place

Hugs


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 23, 2010)

One thing that really helps is to come to terms with the fact that it was abuse. Not abuse like hitting, and not abuse like saying you're dumb or he doesn't like your friend or your mother, but it is abuse. He coaxes you into trusting him and then withdraws. He never provides for your emotional needs and in fact punishes you for having them. If you did not give your child food or water, you'd be abusive. If you do not offer your partner love, security, honesty, and companionship, it is neglect.


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## spiritangel (Jul 23, 2010)

my ex was worse than that he would actually start to be a bit better for a while when I was ready to pack it in so I wouldnt actually end it then go back to how it was 

it also explains why he never got back to the person I fell in love with because that person diddnt exist

even the reading about the withholding sex thing was like a smack over the head looking at all the signs I think I went from emotionally abusive to passive aggressive to now single 

now wonder I feel like I will be single forever I am through settling for second best or crap relationships and good ones seem to be like finding needles in a haystack 

hugs it has taken so much from me that I have spent a lot of time this year regaining re self esteeem and the like 

you will come through it stronger and with a better sense of self and what you do and do not need in a relationship


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 23, 2010)

That is also apparently very common, they get "better" for some short time to keep you there, but it's never real and the relationship gets progressively worse. There are nice words, maybe a grand gesture of a gift or speech about how he feels about you....things you hang onto when he's off neglecting you again or shutting down.

From what I have read, a PA is not really capable of forming emotional attachments, so they never were really "there" with you. 

This is so awful to admit, but seeing how messed up he was, I take some comfort in knowing that he's not likely to be off having a great relationship with somebody else. When I read about him getting engaged or hearing about a new GF, I won't be jealous because I know what he is really like.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 23, 2010)

Here is what I hate about it:

I have no history with anyone else. Even if i met the hottest fattest guy in New England this afternoon, I'd still have to get to know him. We'd still have to have a first date, and a second and a first kiss. We'd still have to exchange stories and talk about work and families and what we like and don't like. That overwhelms me. I love having known somebody for all those years and now I don't have it anymore. And no way to recreate it, you can't recreate time.

Here is what I don't hate:

I never have to feel that way again, ever. Even if i'm alone FOREVER I never have to feel _neglected._ Even if I'm alone I never have to feel _ignored._ I can feel as bad as I want about myself, but I wont' have somebody "around" who should be cheering me up or supporting me. I never have to feel the misery or insecurity you feel when a PA goes out of his way to make vague promises or outright broken promises. I never have to be lied to or told a situation is "all my fault" or that I'm "living in the past" when i bring up things that have contributed to the situation.

I never realized till now how much my self esteem was broken by the situation.


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## musicman (Jul 23, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Here is what I hate about it:
> 
> I have no history with anyone else. Even if i met the hottest fattest guy in New England this afternoon, I'd still have to get to know him. We'd still have to have a first date, and a second and a first kiss. We'd still have to exchange stories and talk about work and families and what we like and don't like. That overwhelms me. I love having known somebody for all those years and now I don't have it anymore. And no way to recreate it, you can't recreate time.



Yes, but you have to consider what you've learned. You know how to recognize the symptoms and hopefully avoid the carriers next time. That's the way I look at bad break-ups, divorces, etc. They don't feel good at the time, but the payoff comes later when you realize you can spot the "problem people" early, and you can stay away from them.

I know that starting over always sucks, but you'll get through this.


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## freakyfred (Jul 24, 2010)

Sounds absolutely horrid. I'm glad you got out of it. Hopefully you'll recover from that asshole. Doubt he'll ever find true happiness.


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## spiritangel (Jul 24, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Here is what I hate about it:
> 
> I have no history with anyone else. Even if i met the hottest fattest guy in New England this afternoon, I'd still have to get to know him. We'd still have to have a first date, and a second and a first kiss. We'd still have to exchange stories and talk about work and families and what we like and don't like. That overwhelms me. I love having known somebody for all those years and now I don't have it anymore. And no way to recreate it, you can't recreate time.
> 
> ...



I hear that totally, I went from feeling amazing and secure for the first time in a long time after the relationship before the PA one ended then after the 5 years we were together well it has taken me a while but I am getting there although I still have days even 6months later where I dont feel good about who I am I snap myself out of it by realising how amazing I am and how much even though it may take a while I deserve the best relationship life can offer me.

Take it one day at a time, work on the negative self talk and remember how amazing you really are


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 24, 2010)

freakyfred said:


> Sounds absolutely horrid. I'm glad you got out of it. Hopefully you'll recover from that asshole. Doubt he'll ever find true happiness.



It's awful but I hope he doesn't. I hope he doesn't not because I want to brood over him or let negative feelings invade my soul. I don't want to let any hatred or resentment cause me stress or take up my brain.

But I hope he doesn't because he does not deserve to be happy. He spent years letting me know, in a passive way, that I was undeserving of time or love or support or attention. He was also married and treated his wife the same way; they had lived together for many years before he proposed and then after they got married he moved onto the couch and would not sleep with her. He was apparently so withdrawn and so distant from her when he told her he wanted a divorce she was shocked. I asked how somebody could be surprised over that and he said that he was a very private person and held his emotions "close" so she just thought everything was normal. How totally sad for a wife to be so neglected.

So when you make a point of robbing others of their happiness to feed your own needs, no, I can't say you deserve to be happy yourself. It was not a matter of not loving me, it was a fear of not being alone so he kept me hooked so I'd be there while he needed me all the while not providing me with a single thing I wanted or needed. Neglect is abuse, and if he'd beat me every night I would not walk away and wish him well. So in this case, no, I don't want the best for him and genuinely hope his life is a sad one because he never cared for anyone else's well being. I'm not going to do anything to him, I dont' want to think about him much more beyond what I need to feel better. I'm not going to run and key his car or call him and leave angry messages or try to harm him, but I do hope he meets the rest of his life with nothing but sadness and hurt because he visited those things on others.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 24, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> I hear that totally, I went from feeling amazing and secure for the first time in a long time after the relationship before the PA one ended then after the 5 years we were together well it has taken me a while but I am getting there although I still have days even 6months later where I dont feel good about who I am I snap myself out of it by realising how amazing I am and how much even though it may take a while I deserve the best relationship life can offer me.
> 
> Take it one day at a time, work on the negative self talk and remember how amazing you really are



http://padontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com/

This is a good and simple blog started by a woman who is in a PA relationship. If you read the posts, you'll see so many similarities in your own situation. The vast majority are from women in or broken up from heterosexual relationships, although one or two are from men and at least one from a lesbian woman posting about a female partner. It's interesting how the overwhelming majority of cases are males.


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## freakyfred (Jul 24, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> It's awful but I hope he doesn't. I hope he doesn't not because I want to brood over him or let negative feelings invade my soul. I don't want to let any hatred or resentment cause me stress or take up my brain.
> 
> But I hope he doesn't because he does not deserve to be happy. He spent years letting me know, in a passive way, that I was undeserving of time or love or support or attention. He was also married and treated his wife the same way; they had lived together for many years before he proposed and then after they got married he moved onto the couch and would not sleep with her. He was apparently so withdrawn and so distant from her when he told her he wanted a divorce she was shocked. I asked how somebody could be surprised over that and he said that he was a very private person and held his emotions "close" so she just thought everything was normal. How totally sad for a wife to be so neglected.
> 
> So when you make a point of robbing others of their happiness to feed your own needs, no, I can't say you deserve to be happy yourself. It was not a matter of not loving me, it was a fear of not being alone so he kept me hooked so I'd be there while he needed me all the while not providing me with a single thing I wanted or needed. Neglect is abuse, and if he'd beat me every night I would not walk away and wish him well. So in this case, no, I don't want the best for him and genuinely hope his life is a sad one because he never cared for anyone else's well being. I'm not going to do anything to him, I dont' want to think about him much more beyond what I need to feel better. I'm not going to run and key his car or call him and leave angry messages or try to harm him, but I do hope he meets the rest of his life with nothing but sadness and hurt because he visited those things on others.



Sounds like one of the worst kinds of human beings. Good riddance to bad rubbish.


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## calauria (Jul 25, 2010)

I don't fully understand. Does the person conciously know they are doing these things to a person, like doing it on purpose or they do it unconciously


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 25, 2010)

calauria said:


> I don't fully understand. Does the person conciously know they are doing these things to a person, like doing it on purpose or they do it unconciously



Yes they know what they are doing but do not care. They are very selfish people, selfish to a degree that is beyond normal. They care only for their own needs and wants; others' simply do not exist in their minds.


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## spiritangel (Jul 25, 2010)

I have to say that I have already left the past behind but it does help to know that the behaviours and such were not imagined.

Hugs I think the best thing to do is learn from the mistakes of the past and move forward rather than dwell on who or what he was, that is what I have been and intend to keep doing, that there is a name for his behaviour and I can understand it all more helps but I am ready to move forward rather than dwell where I have been in the past

Big squishy hugs I do hope you can find your way to forgiveness and move forward as I am sure there is many a BHM that would only be to happy to have an amazing wonderful woman to love and be loved by


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 25, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> I have to say that I have already left the past behind but it does help to know that the behaviours and such were not imagined.
> 
> Hugs I think the best thing to do is learn from the mistakes of the past and move forward rather than dwell on who or what he was, that is what I have been and intend to keep doing, that there is a name for his behaviour and I can understand it all more helps but I am ready to move forward rather than dwell where I have been in the past
> 
> Big squishy hugs I do hope you can find your way to forgiveness and move forward as I am sure there is many a BHM that would only be to happy to have an amazing wonderful woman to love and be loved by



Well it is so recent and after so many years, so I know it will take some time. In the meantime I am working out every day, cut down on alcohol, changed my diet, and have reached out to talk with friends as well as my brother about the situation.

Of course at some point I have to make it less about him and more about why I allowed it to happen. I will never ever ever get in that situation again. EVER!


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## chicken legs (Jul 25, 2010)

Every one is passive aggressive..its the result of living in a "polite society".


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## calauria (Jul 25, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Yes they know what they are doing but do not care. They are very selfish people, selfish to a degree that is beyond normal. They care only for their own needs and wants; others' simply do not exist in their minds.



So they are kinda no different from a person who is a sociopath, narcississitic personality..like having no conscience and all??


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## thirtiesgirl (Jul 25, 2010)

I guess what I don't understand is why you'd spend 7 years with a person who treated you this way. I'd last 7 days at most and then tell them to take a hike.


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## AuntHen (Jul 25, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> This week I've ended things with a man with whom I've had an on/off thing for the past seven years. It got so bad towards the end that I can barely remember any good times we had.
> 
> I spent hours online reading about passive aggressives and it was clear he met every criteria and that many women had gone through what I did. There were lies, more lies, manipulation, neglect, obstructionism. If anyone else has dealt with a real passive aggressive, you know what I'm talking about.
> 
> ...




edit...sorry I did not read all your posts, so nevermind.. the question was already answered


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 25, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> I guess what I don't understand is why you'd spend 7 years with a person who treated you this way. I'd last 7 days at most and then tell them to take a hike.



I'm just going to guess you've never been involved with a real passive aggressive and leave it at that.


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## spiritangel (Jul 25, 2010)

I spent 5 years with mine, the first year was amazing and nothing like the rest, and whenever I was ready to leave that person would come back for a while, and because when we love somebody especially as women we sacrifice our happiness and other such things because we are in love

I am not saying its right, and it is a form of abuse, but as no one else sees it or sees the behaviours everyone tends to be on the PA's side as well

I have learnt many lessons through the relationship I had, I will not settle, I will trust my intuition more even if that means sticking to my first rather than 2nd instinct, I know beyond a shaddow of a doubt what sort of relationship I want
and also that I deserve, I also know that I will never ever again stay in a relationship where I loose sight of who and what I am or where I am made to feel 2nd best or like the lowest priority for the person

I know that when I do end up in another relationship it will be amazing because I have learnt from the past and I will not carry the past into the next one although, I cannot promise that it may not in some moments rear its ugly head, relationships like that are bound to have effects we cannot see but I do promise to examine why I feel/behaved how I have and will always appologise where due and explain why if I can.

Why does any woman stay in any form of abusive relationship?

If I had known my ex was passive aggressive I would have told his mum so she could get him the help he needed or at least know why he behaved as he did. And I would have found it easier to walk away but when you dont know as I had heard the term but did not know what it meant and no one said hey your bf is a classic passive aggressive so there were no tools other than me to deal with it. plus for me I was only seeing him every 3 weeks and he made out soo many things were normal his always being tired and the like, the fact we rarely had sex ect were all supposedly normal things. Also whenever I bought up the subject of ending it he would do or say the right things to reel me back in. It is a minefield of things, and hard to explain unless you have been through it but hopefully this thread will help other people recognise PA's and stop them from making the mistake that both lovebhms and myself have made.


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## chicken legs (Jul 25, 2010)

I never realized what passive aggressive behavior was or would have been able to recognize a passive aggressive personality if it weren't for working in a small office after coming out of food and beverage. The movie Office Space comes to mind and I see it in spades on this site. However, I know I have three fingers pointing at myself..LOL. The thing is confrontation is not easy but sometimes it has to be done. 

Love's I'm happy that you finally said no to the mind games. They (P.A.) can really sap your energy because you're constantly wondering WTF is going on because they never have the balls to confront you and say what they are really feeling.


Edit..

When I started to understand the behavior's associated with P.A. and see it in myself..it was mind blowing. Take my last job. I moonlighted, I was late for work, and even found my own replacement..before I just quit. Looking back, I wish I had the smarts and balls to just save up and quit years ago. The thing is relationships are the same way. You get comfortable and sometimes you get stuck in a grove but at some point you hopefully realize that its not going anywhere.

I saw a article..on traits...



"1. Backhanded compliments: Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is the latest person to be accused of the backhanded compliment. After meeting the wife of Britain's new prime minister, Samantha Cameron, Carla said the Brit was "kind of" a fashion icon. Hardly the worst backhanded compliment I've heard, but it's definitely one.

2. Silent treatment: The silent treatment is exactly what it sounds like — nothing. It's horrible to experience and hard not to blame yourself for, but if someone cuts communication off it really is him, not you.

3. Sabotage in the form of compliance: "Just doing what I was told!" is what passive aggressors will say after sabotaging a situation. They follow the rules rigidly and blindly, and don't revise when circumstance calls for new rules.
Read the rest below.

4. Procrastination: We all procrastinate when we don't want to do something, but usually the potential of affecting another will motivate us into action. Not the passive aggressor! For him, it will do the opposite.

5. Forgetfulness: You'll know a passive-aggressive person by his inability to remember something he said, did, or didn't do — chronically.

I'm sure these all can be mere mistakes at some point, but not likely."


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## littlefairywren (Jul 25, 2010)

I have some really LOUD alarm bells going off in my head right now.


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## chicken legs (Jul 25, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> I'm just going to guess you've never been involved with a real passive aggressive and leave it at that.



Yeah...P.A's can be you friend, your mother, brother, or co-worker..etc.


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## chicken legs (Jul 25, 2010)

I've noticed that P.A. can also be a symptom of depression or a person can be basically lying to themselves about their feelings but it comes out in other forms.


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## spiritangel (Jul 25, 2010)

littlefairywren said:


> I have some really LOUD alarm bells going off in my head right now.



Hugs am on Yahoo if you want to chat about it 

and listen to those alarm bells lfw

chicken legs it takes tremndous courage to look at yourself your life and your actions and admit to being a PA just wanted to say that and that your obviously working on it or would not be able to admitt to it at all


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## thirtiesgirl (Jul 25, 2010)

I don't mean to make light of abusive relationships, and I understand how hard it can be to leave once you find yourself involved with an abusive person. I guess I just have a hard time understanding the mindset of someone who stays.

In my case, I think what helped me was growing up with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive parent. My mother has borderline personality disorder, although she's never had treatment for it because she doesn't believe the diagnosis is real. Growing up in the oppressive, fearful and hyper-judgmental environment that her disorder created (to give a 'nutshell' description, think of the mom from Stephen King's "Carrie," crossed with the over-protective, intrusive mother from Everybody Loves Raymond, and the racist tendencies and WW2 survivor mentality of Hank Hill's dad on King of the Hill), I think it taught me what I was and was not willing to tolerate from a romantic partner. I'm super sensitive to any kind of emotional abuse or overtly controlling tactics, and the second they show up in any guy I'm dating, I instantly call him on it. I let him know I won't tolerate that kind of treatment and give him another chance to make a change. If that change doesn't happen, I don't give him a second chance.


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## chicken legs (Jul 25, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> Hugs am on Yahoo if you want to chat about it
> 
> and listen to those alarm bells lfw
> 
> chicken legs it takes tremndous courage to look at yourself your life and your actions and admit to being a PA just wanted to say that and that your obviously working on it or would not be able to admitt to it at all



Thanks, it was a WTF moment...lol.


When it comes to my paycheck I can be very P.A...in personal relationships..I'm way more ruthless. So I have to be honest or risk going to jail. However, it has landed me in the hospital more than once for being too honest. I've noticed that women in my moms generation (she's 74..pre-feminist movement) are masters of P.A. The articles I've been reading say it starts in childhood and that they recognized it (labeled it) when dealing with people in the armed forces.

The thing is, maybe we've taken the phrase "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all" a little to far and should mix in the phrase "the truth shall set you free" for a change. Repressed feelings can manifest in all kinds of ways and form many addictions as well.


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## spiritangel (Jul 25, 2010)

It is hard to explain, and when your in the middle of it you honestly sometimes do not know your in an abusive relationship

I certainly had no idea till I read this thread I just though my ex was a jerk half the time and inconsistant and that is who he was

if someone had told me to read up on Passive Aggression then the lightbulb would have definately gone off

sometimes we choose what is easy rather than what is right

other times we genuinely love the person and truly beliieve it will get better

I had never come accross this in the past so had no point of reference and it is hard when family and friends tell you how lucky you are and how good you have it makes you doubt the signs that you see that they dont

this is all just from my limited experience though I am no expert and I now know the signs to look for ect and more ways to deal with said behaviours although I cant see me going for that same kind of guy this time round when and if I meet someone of relationship interest


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## littlefairywren (Jul 25, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> It is hard to explain, and when your in the middle of it you honestly sometimes do not know your in an abusive relationship
> 
> I certainly had no idea till I read this thread I just though my ex was a jerk half the time and inconsistant and that is who he was
> 
> ...



It is very easy to question someones state of mind, when they stay with an abusive partner. But it is very true, that if you have never lived it, then you can never understand why or how.

I was married for 18 yrs, and the last 15 or so, were abusive...mentally and physically. He was also passive aggressive, forever playing the victim and twisting things, so I would believe I deserved to treated badly or "punished". It becomes a mindset, and incredibly hard to get out of. And I also come from an abusive childhood, so basically out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I bolded what you said spiritangel, because that was me. I was convinced that my love could fix him, and that is was enough for the both of us. Of course looking back now I see how foolish that was. 

I just regret that it took me so long to realise what was happening.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 26, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> I spent 5 years with mine, the first year was amazing and nothing like the rest, and whenever I was ready to leave that person would come back for a while, and because when we love somebody especially as women we sacrifice our happiness and other such things because we are in love
> 
> I am not saying its right, and it is a form of abuse, but as no one else sees it or sees the behaviours everyone tends to be on the PA's side as well



That is an important point. While the PA's behaviour may manifest itself in more than one area of life, oftentimes it does not. For instance if a PA is a workaholic, he wont' be late for work or for important meetings, but he'll _always_ be late for dates or to meet you. He won't call you when he promises but he'll always make sure to call important clients or his boss.

Also these men are not psychopaths or sociopaths. They are often very nice to others, nice to their family of origin, and nice to friends. I was reading a blog about the disorder and one woman posted that her husband was always the "go to" guy for his church and social club but always ignored her.

Lastly, they are emotional manipulators. When you meet them, they show you a persona or facade that is not real but that you fall for. You may have some amazing and wonderful times, not realizing the person you are falling for does not exist. Abuse of this nature, as in all abusive situations is cumulative and progressive. Nobody punches you in the face the day you meet. With PA behaviour they are skillfull in making you question yourself and in turning situations around to try to fault you. For instance if you get angry they're late for dinner, they accuse you of being unreasonable and of ruining the nice evening you could have had by yelling at him and harping on his chronic lateness.


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## CastingPearls (Jul 26, 2010)

I posted this on another thread in the BBW board but think it belongs here too--- so, reposting:

I devoted 8 years of my life to a man who withheld physical affection and I barely noticed for the first five years because I was beset by tragedy after tragedy, deaths and their fallout, family crisis, work drama, etc. ad nauseum and it wasn't until I got deathly ill and was flat on my back for nearly two years that I woke up as from a dream and said WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

To the people who say, how could you have let this happen or lived with it--I'll tell you...it doesn't start out in the beginning as complete withdrawal and utter self-absorption. You see some red(ish) flags but you're still navigating the newness of the relationship and you love the person and think, maybe it's me-maybe I need to fix/adjust my own behavior and you try every fucking thing you can think of and nothing changes. They will do anything to avoid conflict so they'll promise you the world OR spitefully punish you for (or accuse you of) not being sensitive to THEIR issues. Your issues to them are non-existant because they build more walls of issues so they will never be emotionally available to tend to YOUR needs or requests. And your requests and needs are NEVER that--they're demands from a nagging bitch because you're at your wits end and are desperate to be heard and hate how far it's gone and can this wreck be salvaged. And you grieve because you know it can't.

The promises are never ever fulfilled unless it's an occasional grand gesture which is somehow supposed to miraculously make up for years of wondering WTF exactly YOU did wrong and if you're distracted or lack the stamina (due to illness) or focus you don't see your self-esteem being steadily chipped away day by fucking day until you're sitting there crying so hard you feel like you've been physically beaten and are ASHAMED how you USED to be so independent, you USED to be so confident, you USED to never take shit from anyone and now you're being spoonfed it on a daily basis because you love him and believe in your promises and vows even if he never EVER believed in them or intended to keep them himself.

I hold no grudges against anyone who doesn't understand. You will never know unless you're in it. Your own entire family may be fooled, as is mine. I'm the villain. I'm told to make him happy, keep my mouth shut, I could lose the house. FUCK THE HOUSE! Not at the expense of my mind, my happiness, my well-being--everything that screams in me GET THE FUCK OUT. I can't even leave until I have enough resources to do it but I'm actively working on it. I used to not be able to imagine a life without him. Now, I can't imagine a life with him but without love. I'd rather a life without him with peace of mind, even if that means the only love in my life is mine for myself.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 26, 2010)

A passive aggressive will never ever ever say the word no. They're not capable of it even though much of the time they mean no. They will just obfuscate till you give up. 

If you want to go on a vacation they'll say your idea "sounds great" but will never let you know when they have time off, or heaven forbid make time. If you leave a voice mail message asking if they want to have a drink that night, they just won't call you back. If they say "I'll call you tomorrow" they'll call the next day and if you get angry they'll turn it around and say you're ruining everything by being so demanding. Your request are never reasonable, you have no needs.


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