# When is the right time to have a baby??



## bexy (Dec 26, 2007)

*Im not sure where to put this thread for maximum response, but i will try in here.

im 25, 26 in july, and feeling so so broody at present.

my cutie and i are very very very much in love, adore each other, and have been together nearly 18 months.

we are seriously considering trying for a baby, and are both excited and worried about it.

pros- a baby of ours to love, to join us together, a wee one of us, his family are incredibly supportive and would love to help out, as will my friends, he has a good job, i think im the right age, i know he will be a wonderful dad and me a wonderful mum, our home is big enough...


cons- its expensive to live as it is, we only rent even though our home is lovely but we could never afford to buy a house in belfast at present, my weight might affect the pregnancy, am i too young, will we be able to afford it, will my social life end, will i be a good mum, should i wait until we are married?


the question is, if u kept on waiting and waiting until the time was perfect to have a baby you would NEVER get round to having one...

for the mums, what made u decide to try? was it a happy accident? what problems did u come across? what was easier/harder than u thought?

i know no one can tell me whether we should try or not but im just so confused lol!!


bexy xo*


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## bexy (Dec 26, 2007)

*was too late to edit, but also wanted to add in as a con, my illness of depression, but that has affected me for 10 years and chances are wont be going away anytime soon, so if i hold off due to it, i will be holding off a long time..*


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## NancyGirl74 (Dec 26, 2007)

bexylicious said:


> *was too late to edit, but also wanted to add in as a con, my illness of depression, but that has affected me for 10 years and chances are wont be going away anytime soon, so if i hold off due to it, i will be holding off a long time..*



Your depression should make you cautious of postpartum depression. I don't think that should keep anyone from having children but since you are aware of your issues with depression you should be wary of postpartum issues as well. 

There will never be a perfect time so I don't think you should base your choice on that. I don't have children myself but I have plenty of friends and family members who do. I've also worked in the field of childcare for a very long time. From what I've observed being a parent is very hard. Being a good parent is even harder. Loving is not enough. Providing is not enough. It takes money, effort, time, energy, love, consistency, strength (both physical and emotional), patience, firmness, understanding...ummm, in other words, it takes all you have to give and then some. Be prepared to do that for....forever. Please know (and this one is big because I see it waaaay too often) that having a child should not be a selfish act. It should not be solely about you and what you want. It should not be because you want a baby to cuddle and sing to and coo at. It should not be because you think your child will love you unconditionally always. Having a child should also be about what you can give him or her. Will you love him when he poops through his diapers and messes the whole crib? Will you love him when he cries through the night and you cannot sleep for more than an hour at a time? Will you love him when he refuses to breast feed, eat, bathe, or speak to you for days? Will you love him when he's sixteen and hates you and everything about you? Will you love him when he wrecks the car or gets caught with drugs? Will you love him when he's caught stealing or when he decides to switch colleges _again_? Will you love him when he's thirty and moves back home with his dog, girlfriend, and her kid by another guy? Think of the most outrageous thing a child could do and ask yourself if you will still love him. Will you still love him if he has a disability? 

Bexy, I am seriously not trying to talk you out of trying to have children. I know it sounds like I am but I'm really not. Perhaps because of the field I am in, I just see too many parents who dump their children on other people to care for them because having children just seemed like the next step in life. These people love their children but they are not in love with their children. They are not bad parents but they are not good parents either. I guess I'm jaded and I hope what I have said doesn't scare you...but I do hope it makes you think. And after all that you still want children then God bless. I wish you, your sweetie, and any little angel you bring into the world nothing but love and happiness.

Best wishes :bow:


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## Tad (Dec 27, 2007)

Bexy;

In our case it was a happy accident. My wife had just turned 27 at the time, I was 29, and while it freaked us out at first, for us the timing was perfect. There are some trade offs, in terms of having more life experience under your belt and getting to do more things first, versus have a bit more youthful energy and zest...and having kids hopefully out on their own young enough that you can do more things when older 

If we had waited for the 'the right time' I'm not sure it would ever have come. We had thought we'd have two, but after waiting for the right time for eight years we concluded that there would not be a right time, and we'd just have the one. Really, when is the right time to take your life and turn it upside down? There isn't really one.

While it is true that kids are tremendously absorbing and life altering....that isn't all bad. For example, I've always been the one to put our son to bed, and that is just one of the best parts of my day, that time we spend with stories and songs, and no matter what else is going on, I try not to miss that. And there is tremendous joy in re-discovering the world through a child's eyes. 

For sure it can be a hit to your social life. We were the first of our friends to have kids, and what other people were doing was seldom compatible with taking a baby, or once he was a bit older with getting in a sitter. So we saw a lot less of old friends. On the other hand, we've made a lot of new friends with other parents who are at the same play groups, or have kids in the same school, or whatever. The period from birth to about age two is probably the hardest, socialization wise, as you can really feel trapped in the house (especially if you are not working). I know my wife, who stayed home with our son, felt pretty stir crazy sometimes.

Post partum depression, yah, that is not fun. I'm pretty sure my wife had that, but we didn't know the signs at the time. I think key is that you are aware of the possibility, and talk with your partner and your doctor ahead of time about the possibilities, that they are watching out for you, and that you agree that you will do what is needed, whether you feel like it at the time or not.

The one thing I'd suggest though, is to consider if you want to get married first. Obviously you don't have to, but if you are willing to make the commitment to have a child together, you really are connecting your lives together already. Hopefully you are willing to make that commitment to each other formally as well. I have friends who have had baby first and gotten married after, and it has been fine for them, but it just seems like it makes sense to make sure you are really ready for big commitments before you go for one that you can't back out of!

Best of luck, and by the way, I think you'd be an awesome mom--just don't change your colorful hair, please 

-Ed


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## CrankySpice (Dec 27, 2007)

Knowing what I know, living what I've lived, seeing what I've seen....I'd say wait another 5 years or so to allow your relationship to mature a bit more, and to have a few years together to build memories of what it was like before you had kids--trust me, kids LOVE these kinds of stories. My pre-child past has some kind of mythical status in my kid's minds, so the more stories you have for them, the better, IMO.

It will also give you time to save up some money towards buying a home. Having a permanent place to call home will make YOUR life a lot easier (moving is always a hassle, but moving with kids....10 times the hassle) and will provide some stability for your kids as well. Plus waiting a little longer will give you a chance to establish a career path, which will be valuable if you choose to be a stay at home parent, when you decide to reenter the work force.


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## ZainTheInsane (Dec 27, 2007)

I don't know about the health side of things...

But if you're emotionally ready, then I suggest consulting your doctor, and make it understood what you're intending. Tell him/her how much you desire a child, and that you want to start trying. Depending on the doctor, they might give you bullshit about your weight and so forth, but any GOOD doctor will tell you the risks involved (if there are any for your personal make-up), and what to expect.

As long as both you and your partner are ready, and you both know that it will likely require planning ahead...then go for it.

Friendly suggestions:
-Put away for a college fund NOW...I kid you not, it will help you substancially in the long run.

-Start investing wisely in the stock market as well as in IRA and other such funds. You want to make sure that you're able to financially support yourself, and the child, should it come down to it, and something happens. Both my grandparents invested, and both sets are pretty well off in their retirement.

-I know it is impossible to do totally, but plan ahead for needs of the future. Look into schools, look into investing in buying a house, and plan to save towards one. 

It may take a large amount of monetary sacrifice up front, but it will give you a lot of joy and happiness in the long run. I definitely suggest saving and preparing now, despite not being pregnant yet. Because when you become pregnant, it'll be hard enough to keep up with the huge amount of things during pregnancy. 

So, good luck, have fun, and I wish you well


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## bexy (Dec 27, 2007)

*i must thank u all for all of your replies..

i too worked in the childcare industry for 4 years, dealing with children with autism, downs syndrome, aspergers and many more disabilities. i also worked in private childcare and as a nanny, so i do have childcare experience, including the difficult side such as cleaning up after a 9 year old boy with autism who still wasnt toilet trained...

i also have life experience, having had a hard childhood and having been in care, looking after my brother and for a while my mother.

of course i do know these are NOT the same as having a child of your own 24/7.

and yes i do have health issues, with my depression and i would worry my weight would cause issues. of course money is another factor, but my cutie is in a good job and just got a payrise, we would also consider moving to the same town as his parents and renting somewhere cheaper, as at the minute we live in the student area of belfast so our rent is £550 a month, we can get a house in the next city over for £395 a month...

what i'm saying is im already aware of some of the difficulties, and the changes i would have to make, but i have never felt more ready to do this....

i think the best step forward, as has been mentioned, is to speak to my doctor at my next appt and ask his opinion and advice. so i will update u guys  *


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 27, 2007)

You asked about whether or not you should wait till you were married, and I believe you should.

I think taking the step of making an official committment to your partner is an important one towards raising a family. On a practical level, it offers increased security for both you and the baby. Getting married also allows both of you to commit to the relationship and your future family in a very real and solid way.

I'm not saying you can't have a committment without it, but I think it does make a difference. You are young enough to marry and work on building a life together prior to adding a child.


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## Missy9579 (Dec 27, 2007)

Being together 18 months is not really long time in the grand scheme of life. Its almost barely enough time to know someone.

So to make a life long tie to someone, that you have been dating for 18 months. If you want to be closer to him, why not get married? Thats a big commitment in itself. Be a married couple for a few years. have all the glory that goes along with that. It seems like a huge jump to have baby with someone, that you havent even mentioned marrying.

And no, not every person who has a baby is married. But a well planned baby, is usually born to a married couple.

Also, some things to think about. What if your baby is born sick? Do you think you would be able to handle it? Autism, down syndrome. Everyone plans to have the perfect healthy bouncing baby. Many are unprepared to have a baby with such special needs. Around here the chances of having an autistic baby are 1 in 166. And not that waiting until you are older would decrease the odds, but it would certainly let you go at it with better coping skills. And would also let you have a vision of your partners coping skills.

I was a young mom, I was pregnant at 17, and everyone said they would be there to help. But the reality? 1 person was. No one else wanted to be there. A baby was a great idea to them, his sister, my father, but when it was time to step up, it was a burden. All of my friends disappeared, because I had a baby. i had to put off going to college.

And the reality is, our relationship didnt work out, and then you have the huge burden of who gets the baby when, and who pays what, and who does what, and its an awful situation. Our baby was not planned. 

I am in a relationship now, we have been together for 5 years. We own a house, with plenty of bedrooms. My guy has a GREAT job. I have a good job, and I go to college, and yes, there is talk of a baby, I have gotten off the shot, and on the pill, so we wont have the year wait with the shot, but there is still concern in us. We both did it the wrong way the first time (he too has a daughter, unplanned, from when he was 23) and we both want to do it right this time around. And it scares us. And he is 37 and I am 28. Its a HUGE , life altering decision.

I know he is a good father, he knows I am a good mother, we know we can afford it. But there is just so much more that goes into making such a huge decision. I hope you think about it.


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## bexy (Dec 27, 2007)

BigCutieViolet said:


> Being together 18 months is not really long time in the grand scheme of life. Its almost barely enough time to know someone.
> 
> So to make a life long tie to someone, that you have been dating for 18 months. If you want to be closer to him, why not get married? Thats a big commitment in itself. Be a married couple for a few years. have all the glory that goes along with that. It seems like a huge jump to have baby with someone, that you havent even mentioned marrying.
> 
> And no, not every person who has a baby is married. But a well planned baby, is usually born to a married couple.



*we are planning on getting engaged this year, i forgot to mention that lol...

thanks for u response violet *


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## mpls_girl26 (Dec 28, 2007)

First of all - I applaud you for even giving serious consideration to it. There are a lot of people who have a baby because that is what you do. I agree with what everyone else has already posted. You do have experience working with children and while that is not the same as having one 24/7 it is a hell of a lot more than what most people have before having a child. 

I've been a nanny for several families for several years, was a kindergarten teacher, day care worker, etc. and I know what it takes. I know I will be a great mom - but I also know that I couldn't see myself co-parenting. I know my limitations.....lol. I know what can work, how I do things, etc. Of course I also know that not everything works the same on different kids. But that is something to think about as well. How you both envision raising your child. Discipline, bedtimes, active involvement. 

I'm 30 and single and lately I know what it means when people say their biological clocks are ticking. I suspect my co-workers or people next to me on the bus can hear it. Having said that - at 25 I wasn't ready. Hell - I wasn't even having sex yet! I had my education and career to start. I don't regret that at all. I too suffer from depression but that does not prohibit someone from having a baby. I know many people who have a serious history with depression successfully have a child - it just means openly communicating with your doctor. 

I also don't see a need to be married - but then again I'm coming from experience in my work where all I do is get people divorced and fight for custody. I'm a bit jaded. My sister and her husband waited almost 4 years of being married (10 years being together) before they had children. My brother-in-law told her that he wanted to be a great father and that he didn't think he was ready to be the father he wanted to be.....i was amazed at that admission. And now - he's a great father to two. He was at home with the kids and worked nights. 

Sorry for being so random and not really providing any new information.I just wanted to say it's great that you are actually taking the time to think about it. Best of luck in whatever you decide.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Dec 28, 2007)

One question from the male side, does your man have any experience with younger siblings, nieces, nephews, etc.? Not saying that many men will step up with the infant care, but every pregnancy has risks. You may be ordered to bedrest halfway through, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc.. All these factor in. Not every woman can work until her delivery date.

The guy doesn't need to just have a good income, he has to have the drive and the desire to participate. How does he deal with poop, vomitus? How does he handle sleep deprivation? These are things you will have to contend with; you may have to nudge him to warm a bottle and feed at 3am, and a lot of the energy reserve depends on whether you breastfeed or not.

The antidepressants are a matter for your doctor and you to discuss. Not sure of the process in the UK, but in the states, any medication class A or B can be taken during pregnancy, but class Cs are known to cause harm to the fetus in animal tests, class Ds involve known damage to the fetus in human studies (thalidomide was a class X, which is the worst category for obvious reasons). Long story short, you may have to swap to a less-dangerous antidepressant. Any nursing would likely be out, as damn near everything comes through the milk. If you live on soft drinks and coffees, the caffeine will need to be substantially reduced during your pregnancy.

Not trying to dissuade you at all bexi, but there are so many factors to consider and a ton you can't possibly until it's there. I was married for 2 years before we had planned our first child, waited until we had purchased a home and were somewhat secure (you're NEVER secure, no matter how much you plan).

I also know that engagement followed by marriage and an immediate child rearing leaves very little time for you to get to know your spouse. He may change during the initial marital period, so may you. You may find that this is the man you were destined to procreate with, or you may find that the pile of Cheeto dust in his navel is just the start of a whole litany of issues with his behaviors that will not bode well as a father figure.

The negative issues aside, having a child is one of the most amazing, special experiences you can have. All I can say is try to enjoy it as much as you can. If your man loves your size, he will love seeing you grow and ripen into the feminine figure that ancient humans used to carve into sculptures. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Dec 28, 2007)

You're ready when you can unconditionally love and accept a person you know nothing about, exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. You can have conditions on behaviors, but never the person. Serial killer? Mentally handicapped? Born without arms? Are you woman enough to take this new potential person exactly as s/he is and is not? 

I'm about your age, and I admit, I have my own hurdles to come with having no ownership or owingship in my loving, mutually beneficial relationships.  The people who love me have been patient with my growth, and I know what I'm looking for when I'm ready for my family.


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## Shosh (Dec 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> You asked about whether or not you should wait till you were married, and I believe you should.
> 
> I think taking the step of making an official committment to your partner is an important one towards raising a family. On a practical level, it offers increased security for both you and the baby. Getting married also allows both of you to commit to the relationship and your future family in a very real and solid way.
> 
> I'm not saying you can't have a committment without it, but I think it does make a difference. You are young enough to marry and work on building a life together prior to adding a child.



I am thinking of having a baby and I am not married, and it does not look like I will get married anytime soon.
I understand that being married before you have a baby is important to some, it does not always translate into bliss forevermore. My parents got divorced when I was two years old. They should never have married in the first place.
All kinds of families make up society as we know it.


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## TraciJo67 (Dec 28, 2007)

Susannah said:


> I am thinking of having a baby and I am not married, and it does not look like I will get married anytime soon.
> I understand that being married before you have a baby is important to some, it does not always translate into bliss forevermore. My parents got divorced when I was two years old. They should never have married in the first place.
> All kinds of families make up society as we know it.



I agree with you, Susannah. I don't think that a loved child absolutely needs a conventional nuclear family, and I think you'd make a wonderful mother. 

The only thing I'd add, for purposes of this particular discussion, is that it's sometimes very challenging for me to provide that all-encompassing level of care that my 16-month-old requires ... and my husband is very actively involved. I can't imagine how I could ever do it alone ... although, given how much joy our little guy brings, I *would* do it, in a heartbeat.


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## LoveBHMS (Dec 28, 2007)

I certainly did not mean to say that single parents can not do a good job, or that there are other positive family environments apart from the traditional nuclear set up.

The reason I suggested that Bexy wait until marriage was that in her situation, she is preparing to have a child with this particular man. In my opinion, if he wants to make the committment to have a child with her, i think it would be a positive and health step for him to make the public committment to marry her. In other words, I think it would be a good first step in building a family to first make an official committment to each other, prior to bringing a child into their lives.

Of course legal marriage is not a guarentee of anyone sticking around, but it does offer a layer of both social and legal protection to women and children.


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## Shosh (Dec 28, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> I agree with you, Susannah. I don't think that a loved child absolutely needs a conventional nuclear family, and I think you'd make a wonderful mother.
> 
> The only thing I'd add, for purposes of this particular discussion, is that it's sometimes very challenging for me to provide that all-encompassing level of care that my 16-month-old requires ... and my husband is very actively involved. I can't imagine how I could ever do it alone ... although, given how much joy our little guy brings, I *would* do it, in a heartbeat.



You make a valid point here. I would prefer to not have a baby on my own as it is hard to raise a child alone. My sister has struggled since her marriage broke down.I have just had terrible luck in my relationships with men, and have not found a suitable man that I would want to have a child with as yet. I am 37 years old, so I am starting to worry that time will run out for me to have a child if I wait to find the right man to marry etc.
I do understand that a child needs both a mother and a father in their life too.
Thanks.


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## Shosh (Dec 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> I certainly did not mean to say that single parents can not do a good job, or that there are other positive family environments apart from the traditional nuclear set up.
> 
> The reason I suggested that Bexy wait until marriage was that in her situation, she is preparing to have a child with this particular man. In my opinion, if he wants to make the committment to have a child with her, i think it would be a positive and health step for him to make the public committment to marry her. In other words, I think it would be a good first step in building a family to first make an official committment to each other, prior to bringing a child into their lives.
> 
> Of course legal marriage is not a guarentee of anyone sticking around, but it does offer a layer of both social and legal protection to women and children.



I wish I could learn how to do this multi quote thing.:huh:
You also make a good point. I understand what you are saying. I get upset with some, not yourself, that want to demonise single women who have children by placing moral judgements on their head.
Thanks for your thoughts.


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## moore2me (Dec 28, 2007)

Bexy,

You had mentioned earlier in another thread you were taking Cymbalta. That drug has a warning to women about pregnancy. You should discuss your desire (or attempts) to get pregnant with the doctor that is prescribing your Cymbalta. I have copied some of the info on the pregnancy warnings from one of the drugs info sites.
http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/cymbalta_ids.htm

Treatment of Pregnant Women During the Third Trimester  Neonates exposed to SSRIs or SNRIs, late in the third trimester have developed complications requiring prolonged hospitalization, respiratory support, and tube feeding (see PRECAUTIONS). When treating pregnant women with Cymbalta during the third trimester, the physician should carefully consider the potential risks and benefits of treatment. The physician may consider tapering Cymbalta in the third trimester.

Dosage for Nursing Mothers  Because the safety of duloxetine in infants is not known, nursing while on Cymbalta is not recommended (see CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY

Pregnancy
Pregnancy Category C  *In animal reproduction studies, duloxetine has been shown to have adverse effects on embryo/fetal and postnatal development. *When duloxetine was administered orally to pregnant rats and rabbits during the period of organogenesis, there was no evidence of teratogenicity at doses up to 45 mg/kg/day (7 times the maximum recommended human dose [MRHD, 60 mg/day] and 4 times the human dose of 120 mg/day on a mg/m2 basis, in rat; 15 times the MRHD and 7 times the human dose of 120 mg/day on a mg/m2 basis in rabbit). However, fetal weights were decreased at this dose, with a no-effect dose of 10 mg/kg/day (2 times the MRHD and &#8776;1 times the human dose of 120 mg/day on a mg/m2 basis in rat; 3 times the MRHD and 2 times the human dose of 120 mg/day on a mg/m2 basis in rabbits).

When duloxetine was administered orally to pregnant rats throughout gestation and lactation, the survival of pups to 1 day postpartum and pup body weights at birth and during the lactation period were decreased at a dose of 30 mg/kg/day (5 times the MRHD and 2 times the human dose of 120 mg/day on a mg/m2 basis); the no-effect dose was 10 mg/kg/day. Furthermore, behaviors consistent with increased reactivity, such as increased startle response to noise and decreased habituation of locomotor activity, were observed in pups following maternal exposure to 30 mg/kg/day. Post-weaning growth and reproductive performance of the progeny were not affected adversely by maternal duloxetine treatment.

*There are no adequate and well-controlled studies in pregnant women; therefore, duloxetine should be used during pregnancy only if the potential benefit justifies the potential risk to the fetus.*

Nonteratogenic Effects  *Neonates exposed to SSRIs or serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), late in the third trimester have developed complications requiring prolonged hospitalization, respiratory support, and tube feeding. Such complications can arise immediately upon delivery. *Reported clinical findings have included respiratory distress, cyanosis, apnea, seizures, temperature instability, feeding difficulty, vomiting, hypoglycemia, hypotonia, hypertonia, hyperreflexia, tremor, jitteriness, irritability, and constant crying. These features are consistent with either a direct toxic effect of SSRIs and SNRIs or, possibly, a drug discontinuation syndrome. It should be noted that, in some cases, the clinical picture is consistent with serotonin syndrome (see WARNINGS, Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors). When treating a pregnant woman with Cymbalta during the third trimester, the physician should carefully consider the potential risks and benefits of treatment (see DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION).

Labor and Delivery
The effect of duloxetine on labor and delivery in humans is unknown. Duloxetine should be used during labor and delivery only if the potential benefit justifies the potential risk to the fetus.

Nursing Mothers
*Duloxetine is excreted into the milk of lactating women*. The estimated daily infant dose on a mg/kg basis is approximately 0.14% of the maternal dose. *Because the safety of duloxetine in infants is not known, nursing while on Cymbalta is not recommended.*


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## bexy (Dec 29, 2007)

*thank u to everyone who has responded, especially to all the info moore_2_me has provided.

i am still considering this, but have decided we are going to wait at least 6 months. there are a few reasons for this.

i am on cymbalta however i am having serious complications with it and will have to have my anti depressants changed again in january when i see my psych, so i will have the chance to discuss pregnancy and depression with him then.

i also want to save some money up, and get settled into my job again after having time off sick.

i also want to move, my lease here is up in april and as much as i love this flat its very expensive and far from my partners family so we are prob going to move a few miles down the road, the money we save on rent we will start to put away.

also i am still young, 25, and it may be that i am feeling broody at present but i know i have plenty of time.

also i have the contraceptive implant in my arm and once it comes out it can take up to a year for fertility to return to normal anyways.

i hope all or any of this makes sense lol, what i am saying is that of course i still want to be a mum, but i realise i have time and i have other things to sort out first. whilst it is NEVER EVER the perfect time to have a baby, it can be a BETTER time 

thank u everyone 

bexy xo*


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## Missy9579 (Dec 29, 2007)

Those are all very wise and mature things to discuss, do and plan. Im glad that you made this choice.

I too believe that no one is ever 100% ready to have a baby. There is never a perfect time, where everything will be in line and all is perfect. But there are times when it is better. and times when it is not the best time.

I think sometimes, as women, our biological clocks tick louder than normal. And during those times, it can be tough.

I know you will be a great mom when the time comes, and it will come, but hopefully when things are a little more steady and secure for you 

*hugs*


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## BeautifulPoeticDisaster (Dec 29, 2007)

From what I have seen pics wise, your size shouldn't matter as you are still in "normal" range for child rearing. Talk to your GP. I have been open with my Drs about wanting to get prego in the next year (maybe!) and they don't bat an eye at me...and I am seriously twice your size.

And as for depression....I hear you. My worst fear is passing it on to my little one and seeing them go through the hell I have been through. I am also afraid of post-pardum (sp?) depression cos you hear these crazy stories about women killing their kids.....I don't want to be the crazy lady on TV!!!!! So those are my concerns with depression. 

It's funny cos I've raised kids. When I went off to Uni I had been running a day care BY MYSELF of 6 children all under the age of 4....and three of them were newborns. I did that for a little over a year....and all 6 kids survived and are lovely children now. I survived, my only injury is heartache at not seeing them grow up cos I move to the UK. If I can raise other people's children, I should be fine with one of my own.

I think you would make a beautiful baby Bexy...seriously gorgeous. If you want to do it....and your heart is committed and you know you will never have any time to yourself again....then do it!!!!


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## bexy (Dec 29, 2007)

BigCutieViolet said:


> Those are all very wise and mature things to discuss, do and plan. Im glad that you made this choice.
> 
> I too believe that no one is ever 100% ready to have a baby. There is never a perfect time, where everything will be in line and all is perfect. But there are times when it is better. and times when it is not the best time.
> 
> ...


*
thank u very much violet, my cutie and i are really happy with what we have decided and the advice i got on here helped so much  *


BigBellySSBBW said:


> From what I have seen pics wise, your size shouldn't matter as you are still in "normal" range for child rearing. Talk to your GP. I have been open with my Drs about wanting to get prego in the next year (maybe!) and they don't bat an eye at me...and I am seriously twice your size.
> 
> And as for depression....I hear you. My worst fear is passing it on to my little one and seeing them go through the hell I have been through. I am also afraid of post-pardum (sp?) depression cos you hear these crazy stories about women killing their kids.....I don't want to be the crazy lady on TV!!!!! So those are my concerns with depression.
> 
> ...


*
awwk ur so sweet, thank u so much! i agree what u say about raising other peoples kids, i did it too with children from birth to 4, and i used to say if i can look after 30 kids a day, for 8 hours, without losing my patience then i think i could cope with being a mum of my own 

we are still going to wait at least 6 months before i have my implant taken out tho *


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## runningman (Dec 29, 2007)

Personally I'm having terrible trouble getting pregnant. 

Seriously, there is some great advice here but at the end of the day I think you'll know when it's right. If it feels right now then now it should be now. Good luck.


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## bexy (Dec 30, 2007)

runningman said:


> Personally I'm having terrible trouble getting pregnant.
> 
> Seriously, there is some great advice here but at the end of the day I think you'll know when it's right. If it feels right now then now it should be now. Good luck.



*hang in there mate  lol*


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## runningman (Dec 30, 2007)

On a totally unconnected note - Mozza is awesome.


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## bexy (Dec 30, 2007)

runningman said:


> On a totally unconnected note - Mozza is awesome.



*damn straight and i see him for the 15th time on jan 27th wooooooooo!*


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## HottiMegan (Jan 3, 2008)

I wish you all the luck! I dont think anyone is EVER totally prepared for parenthood. Now that i'm expecting number 2 i am going through a lot of anxiety about having another life to care for. So far i feel successful in raising my son to be a considerate well behaved child. 

You sound like you have your priorities in order and you are thinking about all the things that will come with parenthood. Your plan sounds like a good one on the moving to save some money.

Depression and pregnancy. I have suffered from depression off and on since i was 11. (maybe sooner) The only thing to think about is the medication you are taking while trying to get pregnant and it's safety in pregnancy. Also just make sure that your OB knows about your history. They then keep a close eye on you for a few months after the pregnancy for post partum. I had post partum depression set in pretty bad about 5 months after my son was born. We would just lay in bed all day together and i cried a good deal of the day. I eventually overcame it though. And my recent bout of depression completely dissapeared when i found out i was pregnant again.


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## HottiMegan (Jan 3, 2008)

BigBellySSBBW said:


> From what I have seen pics wise, your size shouldn't matter as you are still in "normal" range for child rearing. Talk to your GP. I have been open with my Drs about wanting to get prego in the next year (maybe!) and they don't bat an eye at me...and I am seriously twice your size.
> 
> And as for depression....I hear you. My worst fear is passing it on to my little one and seeing them go through the hell I have been through. I am also afraid of post-pardum (sp?) depression cos you hear these crazy stories about women killing their kids.....I don't want to be the crazy lady on TV!!!!! So those are my concerns with depression.
> 
> ...



I wish you luck in getting pregnant!


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## Zandoz (Jan 3, 2008)

I've watched this thread for a week now, and did not say anything because I could not figure out what it was that was putting up little red flags in my head. It wasn't the marriage issue...a legal/religious document does nothing to insure a loving and stable relationship/environment for the kid. It was not the money....you seem to grasp the financial implications. You have child care background, so it's not like you do not know what you are getting into on that aspect. On the medical issues, you understand the issues...wether you heed those issues, only you can say.

But I finally figured out what it was..."will my social life end". Yes, a kid is going to impact your social life big time...if not effectively end it as you now know it. As long as social life vs kid is even a matter of debate, the answer is no kid. You may well still have some degree of social life after the kid comes, but if you not ready to walk away from that social life without hesitancy, the social life still has too high of a priority in your life to be considering kids at this time. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with giving a social life a priority...you are relatively young, and this is the time for that. What I'm saying is that the kid(s) will have to trump all other external priorities without question or hesitation.

JMHO


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## bexy (Jan 3, 2008)

Zandoz said:


> I've watched this thread for a week now, and did not say anything because I could not figure out what it was that was putting up little red flags in my head. It wasn't the marriage issue...a legal/religious document does nothing to insure a loving and stable relationship/environment for the kid. It was not the money....you seem to grasp the financial implications. You have child care background, so it's not like you do not know what you are getting into on that aspect. On the medical issues, you understand the issues...wether you heed those issues, only you can say.
> 
> But I finally figured out what it was..."will my social life end". Yes, a kid is going to impact your social life big time...if not effectively end it as you now know it. As long as social life vs kid is even a matter of debate, the answer is no kid. You may well still have some degree of social life after the kid comes, but if you not ready to walk away from that social life without hesitancy, the social life still has too high of a priority in your life to be considering kids at this time. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with giving a social life a priority...you are relatively young, and this is the time for that. What I'm saying is that the kid(s) will have to trump all other external priorities without question or hesitation.
> 
> JMHO


*
i totally understand what you are saying there. thats one of the reasons i have decided to wait a while. its not just as simple as not having a social life tho, i meant a support network. i say this often on the boards and its not me looking for sympathy as ive dealt with it for so long but i dont speak to my family and would worry having a baby could isolate as i wouldnt have my mum or brother calling round. thats why i would like to make sure my friends are all still in my life. if that makes any sense.*


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## Zandoz (Jan 3, 2008)

bexylicious said:


> *
> i totally understand what you are saying there. thats one of the reasons i have decided to wait a while. its not just as simple as not having a social life tho, i meant a support network. i say this often on the boards and its not me looking for sympathy as ive dealt with it for so long but i dont speak to my family and would worry having a baby could isolate as i wouldnt have my mum or brother calling round. thats why i would like to make sure my friends are all still in my life. if that makes any sense.*




Being the unofficial adopted papa for a couple of wonderful young women in similar family situations, I have a bit of a clue where you are coming from. It's good to see you putting so much thought and consideration into this...too many put off the hard considerations until after the kid comes, and it's too late. From what I'm seeing, when the time comes, you'll make a great mom.


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## ksandru (Jan 6, 2008)

Having a child definitely alters your lifestyle...but what a wonderful alteration! Our son was a happy surprise, as I suffered 2 miscarriages during our marriage. And in 2005 and 43 years old (Nick was 50), we received this gorgeous, beautiful bundle of baby. Then reality sank in.... 2am feedings, poop & puke, ear infections, watching him crawl & then run, getting into all types of mischief, worrying about education, providing a decent home, childcare . But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything, especially when I hear Chris call me "Mommy" and gives me a great big hug & snuggles up to me when he's tired, wants love, or just the reassurance that he's loved. Those are the moments worth cherishing. You can never prepare completely for a child.

I have posted this website before and I will again: www.plus-size-pregnancy.org. If you are thinking about having a baby or have some concerns, I HIGHLY recommend this site, as it has literally given me comfort throughout my pregnancy. And guess what, I was 300+ lbs. when Chris was born & it was a smooth pregnancy. Just a few small issues during delivery. Hell, I welcome having another sibling for Chris!


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## HottiMegan (Jan 7, 2008)

i have been to that website many times with my last pregnancy and a few times this one. It is a GREAT resource for links and positive information. 

I totally relate to your mommy story Ksandru  My son is 4 and i was completely unprepared but have loved all the stages of his life.


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## ksandru (Jan 13, 2008)

Thank you! Why doesn't K-Mom place her website in book form? It's a great counterpoint to that awful book: "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Very fat-phobic, IMHO.






HottiMegan said:


> i have been to that website many times with my last pregnancy and a few times this one. It is a GREAT resource for links and positive information.
> 
> I totally relate to your mommy story Ksandru  My son is 4 and i was completely unprepared but have loved all the stages of his life.


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## franchescassbbw (Jan 13, 2008)

bexylicious said:


> *i must thank u all for all of your replies..
> 
> i too worked in the childcare industry for 4 years, dealing with children with autism, downs syndrome, aspergers and many more disabilities. i also worked in private childcare and as a nanny, so i do have childcare experience, including the difficult side such as cleaning up after a 9 year old boy with autism who still wasnt toilet trained...
> 
> ...


If you're ready, then go for it. I don't see any cons. Good luck to you!


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