# I am rather shy



## Scorsese86 (Mar 21, 2011)

But I have a bit of a crush on a girl, right now.

I attend college, and I am 24 years old... but I feel like such an imbecile.
What to do?

After you have finished laughing at me, keep in mind I have had three girlfriends, but I still... yes.

So, anyway, after laughing at me, post your reply


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## Wild Zero (Mar 21, 2011)

Moz said it best:

Shyness is nice and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

Shyness is nice and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me I wont say no, how could I?


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## tonynyc (Mar 21, 2011)

Scorsese86 said:


> But I have a bit of a crush on a girl, right now.
> 
> I attend college, and I am 24 years old... but I feel like such an imbecile.
> What to do?
> ...



That is the power of the incredible BBW over the mere admirer...


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## Dr. Feelgood (Mar 21, 2011)

I would recommend that you prepare yourself in advance before approaching her. Shyness is less of a problem when you have some sort of plan to fall back on.

1. I recommend that you begin with a visit to the BBW board. See how many posts you can find that ask "Where are all the FA's?" This will show you how many women would be happy for you to approach them in a polite and friendly way, which should help you feel more confident!

2. Pick a good time and place to approach her: some time when you both have leisure and can relax and get to know each other without anyone else interrupting. That will reduce the pressure on you and make things more enjoyable.

3. Think through beforehand what sorts of things you might say, what she might reply, and how the conversation may go from there. I am not recommending that you use a pick-up line, just that you think a bit about what you'd like her to know about you and what you'd like to know about her. That will help prevent awkward silences.

Of course, when you actually talk to her the conversation will be totally unlike all your imaginings; it will take on a life of its own and grow and develop. But if you get stuck for something to say, you can fall back on the topics you have thought about beforehand. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


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## FatAndProud (Mar 23, 2011)

If you like someone, you should try to get to know her likes/dislikes. See if you both have common ground  For instance: both of you should go to a concert together! No one likes to party alone


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## Mathias (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm so shy to the point where I won't even approach a girl. It sucks.....  What can I do?


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## FatAndProud (Mar 23, 2011)

Don't approach someone with intent to date! Approach someone with intent to become friends.

Personally, I wouldn't want a guy to be like "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?" I'd rather someone get to know me...plus, I'd like to get to know them. It's like testing the waters. I'm sure others approach dating differently - more confidently, perhaps? I think this is the fool-proof way! Even though I don't have a bf, I sure as hell chat up all the boys I can lol It doesn't hurt to be friendly and out there.


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## Mathias (Mar 23, 2011)

FatAndProud said:


> Don't approach someone with intent to date! Approach someone with intent to become friends.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't want a guy to be like "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?" I'd rather someone get to know me...plus, I'd like to get to know them. It's like testing the waters. I'm sure others approach dating differently - more confidently, perhaps? I think this is the fool-proof way! Even though I don't have a bf, I sure as hell chat up all the boys I can lol It doesn't hurt to be friendly and out there.



Sometimes I have trouble even doing that. It's like I get caught up in feelings of really wanting to date a girl, combined with me always assuming that she wouldn't want to get to know me.


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## Scorsese86 (Mar 23, 2011)

FatAndProud said:


> If you like someone, you should try to get to know her likes/dislikes. See if you both have common ground  For instance: both of you should go to a concert together! No one likes to party alone



"Hey, what do you think about that next assignment, wanna talk about it over a cup of coffee?" - something like that?

If I ever do that, it will be when pigs fly. 

And, yes, I am going to whine about this for a while, it seems.

I was thinking that I maybe should become a monk. Then I realized monks shouldn't be drinking, so that's out of the question!


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## Mathias (Mar 24, 2011)

Scorsese86 said:


> "Hey, what do you think about that next assignment, wanna talk about it over a cup of coffee?" - something like that?
> 
> If I ever do that, it will be when pigs fly.
> 
> ...



lol In my case the conversation would probably go something along the lines of: "So...we're in choir together. How about that uh, Triumphal Chorus? It's...from Aida."

Smooth. :doh:


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## Tad (Mar 24, 2011)

I dont necessarily recommend it, but in my case I pretty much made myself accessible and showed that I was interested, and was rescued by her making the first move. Fortunately we hit it off so well that we are still together, thereby ducking the question of whether wild good fortune is ever apt to strike twice. Of course this is a bit like going into a poker game with the strategy of hoping youll get a straight flush and only then will you bet hard, it really is not a strong strategy, but it gives more chance of winning than does not playing at all.

Now, if you are truly shy in the classic meaning, where you have a hard time engaging in interaction with anyone, that probably isnt going to work well. But if you are shy in the way that most guys use it, meaning a little shy in general mixed with not being confident in dating games and dreading rejection, then you might manage to be generally sociable and interesting in her general vicinity, and you might have a stroke of luck. 

So in the case of a choir Id think something more like being visibly ready to help out with any organizational or practical work (like being there early to set up chairs, or helping to print up material, or whatever), so that anyone who maybe wanted to get to know you better could also do those things and have more opportunity to interact. Or bring along your MP3 and try to get a conversation started about what music different people like, where they get their music from, what concerts they go see, and hope she gets involved too. Or offer or ask for rides too and from practice, interacting with a number of people. Basically put out some hooks that someone else could get ahold of you with, dont just present a polished and slippery shell.


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## truebebeblue (Mar 24, 2011)

It is hard and scary, I am sure. It was always scary for me and i am a truly outgoing girl. Just think about what a rush it will be if she say YES. If she is single she probably will. I suggest the following.



Hi, What's your name? Oh ___ nice to meet you I was wondering if you might want to hang out some time? If yes.... get her number and let the text flirting begin. 

If she says,no I have a BF... tell her he is a lucky guy and see ya around!

I say best to keep it light and polite.


You can totally do it! And don't worry if you are obviously nervous. Most women find that very cute!

True


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## KittyKitten (Mar 24, 2011)

Me too! I'm so awkward when meeting a guy that I like. I start flushing and giggle more than normal. LOL


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## J34 (Mar 24, 2011)

Hey is a thread for shy people, I'm surprised I haven't posted here yet.

I can at least empathize with half the guys here, as I myself can barely approach a woman. Although I guess it depends on the situation, can't do it at a bar though since I suck at communicating over loud noise.

Although I have been talking to this girl the past several weeks, and we are about to meet. In my rationalized mind i know not to get my hopes up, but after not being on a date for years, how can I not feel nervous


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## The Orange Mage (Mar 25, 2011)

I'm a little shy, I guess. But I don't drink and hate bars. The places I do hang out tend to be sausage fests, and any girls there are girlfriends tagging along with their man.

I am a notorious pro at doing that "look at someone, OH SHIT EYE CONTACT LOOK AWAY QUICK" thing. I've recently thought about how I can turn that into something better, and I think the idea is to throw a smile and approach if I get one back...but then what? Now I'm in close proximity and have NO CLUE what I'm going to say. 

Close & Creepy is a BAD combo. D:

EDIT: THIS: 
*




*


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## JMNYC (Mar 25, 2011)

When I was 14, I was ridiculously shy around girls. I grew up in a rural area where there were no girls of dating age, in a house with all boys except for my mother. So I had no experience relating whatsoever to women.

There was this kid at school I saw named Pat who had girls all around him, all the time. I'd see him around with his arm around one, or two. He wasn't sleeping with them...they just liked him, and he liked them.

I had formed my first band and I decided to get Pat in the band as lead singer, since the girls loved him. That he couldn't sing was of no consequence. He'd be our ticket to fame. It wasn't going to be me because I was chubby and my mother cut my hair and...well, I just knew it wasn't going to be me.

Whenever Pat would go off key, which was pretty much all the time, I would just join him at the mike, singing the same notes, and he'd find his way back again.

Mercifully, that band broke up after one gig where we played two songs.

But I humbled myself to ask Pat what the secret was to getting girls to like you. I will always remember his one-word answer:

"Relax." 

"Relax" meaning "breath," "chill," "Don't worry" and "Go easy."

He also said, "Go up to a girl you know and like and start talking to her. Then put your arm around her for a second. If she smacks it away, she smacks it away. If she doesn't, then...you know she likes you at least a little bit." Remember, we were 14. Don't try this in the workplace, or at the motor vehicle.

I tried it the next day, and, omg, none of the girls I put my arm around knocked it away, in fact some of them put their arms around me as well. Before long, I had made friends with a lot of girls---just friends---and then I got my first-ever girlfriend. 

Unless you're a creep, in which case you need to be aware of that and do something about it, most women, or people, will like you if you show genuine interest in them as people, and most women will give a guy a break when making initial conversation even if his voice squeaks or there turns out to be food on the side of his mouth. 

As an adult, one way to handle shyness is to pretend, briefly, to be someone else. One time I had to pick up my wife at a party where there were a lot of young, attractive women. I was in a bad space that day and didn't want to face people, let alone be "on," but I also didn't want to be a drip. I agonized as I got off the elevator and walked down the hall to the party, and almost bolted as I put my hand on the knob.

I decided to pretend I was Im-Ho-Tep, the 3,000-year-old mummy from "The Mummy" of 1932---not the modern Brendan Frasier movies---and suddenly, I had all the confidence in the world. I even introduced myself as Im-Ho-Tep to a couple of people, smiling, and since people don't even listen most of the time, it went right over their heads anyway.

Fun time.

Relax.


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## J34 (Mar 25, 2011)

For a second there I got confused. I thought instead of you saying IM-HO-TEP I thought you IM-PO-TENT.

Which for a sec I understood why everyone was so nice ROFL


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## JimBob (May 18, 2011)

I think of myself as pretty open and confident, yet I find myself making eye-contact with cute women on trains or in public places and getting a generally disdainful or confused expression. I'm not exactly hideous and I don't think anyone's ever called me creepy, so I just put it down to natural shyness, or some other reason not to talk. It's going to be a very good day when I meet a woman willing to both look back and get into a conversation.


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## disconnectedsmile (May 18, 2011)

FatAndProud said:


> Personally, I wouldn't want a guy to be like "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?".


i'm guessing you're not the only one.
i tried that exact line at the supermarket the other day.
it didn't work, much to my chagrin.


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## luvbigfellas (May 18, 2011)

I've met many a friend or more being drunk. Weird how that works. LOL


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## FatAndProud (May 18, 2011)

Necroposting.


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## CastingPearls (May 18, 2011)

FatAndProud said:


> Necroposting.


Yeah but at least it's not some guy fapping to some chick's pic from '05.


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## FatAndProud (May 19, 2011)

Ooo, you make a good point, dear.


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 19, 2011)

CastingPearls said:


> Yeah but at least it's not some guy fapping to some chick's pic from '05.




There will never be a hottie to rival Lillian Russell! :smitten:


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## musicman (May 20, 2011)

If you're shy, you may be an Introvert (in the Myers-Briggs sense of the word; use Google if you're not familiar with the science of personality types). An Introvert prefers to work things out in his head. An Extravert prefers to work things out by talking about them with other people. (Not everyone is a total Introvert or Extravert, of course, but most people tend towards one or the other.)

When approaching someone they are attracted to, the Extravert will go right up and talk to them. If they strike out, that's OK because the talking was part of the process. Introverts, on the other hand, want to solve the whole problem in their heads before they talk. This can lead to too much mental "rehearsal" and build-up of your wannabe relationship before it even starts. You can easily create unreasonable expectations of the other person ("she's the ONE for me") before you even meet them, and you can convince yourself that everything hinges on that first opening line ("I've got to get this right or I'm dead"). Then when things don't go exactly like your mental rehearsal, you can feel devastated. You endlessly re-play the conversation in your mind ("I totally screwed up. What did I say wrong?"). You beat yourself up, and you become too afraid to talk to the next woman you meet. (The Extraverts are laughing at this, but this is how Introverts sometimes act.)

There is no easy solution to this, but try to remember a few things: In human relationships, things NEVER go according to plan. The exact words you use are MUCH less important than you think. (Every person you meet will react differently to the same opening line.) The other person is NOT going to match your mental rehearsal. But that can be a good thing. She might be much more interesting than you could even imagine. Or she might shoot you down. And if she does, it might not have anything to do with what you said. Or you might have one or more dates, and find that it's not working out. If so, then she's simply NOT the one for you, and you're NOT the one for her. It's not the end of the world. Don't look at a break-up as a failure, but as an opportunity for both of you to go find more compatible companions elsewhere.

TL;DR bottom line: It's not easy, but the Introvert has to learn to "go with the flow". You can't pre-plan and control everything. Unexpected things WILL happen, and they won't all be your fault. Try to limit your endless mental rehearsals beforehand, and your endless post-mortem analyses afterwards. Learn from each encounter, but by all means, PUSH yourself to go on to the next one.


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## CastingPearls (May 20, 2011)

On the Myers-Brigg tests I am always 100% extrovert. SURPRISE!!!!!


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## Kamily (May 21, 2011)

I am too. :batting:


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## paperman921 (May 21, 2011)

musicman said:


> If you're shy, you may be an Introvert (in the Myers-Briggs sense of the word; use Google if you're not familiar with the science of personality types). An Introvert prefers to work things out in his head. An Extravert prefers to work things out by talking about them with other people. (Not everyone is a total Introvert or Extravert, of course, but most people tend towards one or the other.)
> 
> When approaching someone they are attracted to, the Extravert will go right up and talk to them. If they strike out, that's OK because the talking was part of the process. Introverts, on the other hand, want to solve the whole problem in their heads before they talk. This can lead to too much mental "rehearsal" and build-up of your wannabe relationship before it even starts. You can easily create unreasonable expectations of the other person ("she's the ONE for me") before you even meet them, and you can convince yourself that everything hinges on that first opening line ("I've got to get this right or I'm dead"). Then when things don't go exactly like your mental rehearsal, you can feel devastated. You endlessly re-play the conversation in your mind ("I totally screwed up. What did I say wrong?"). You beat yourself up, and you become too afraid to talk to the next woman you meet. (The Extraverts are laughing at this, but this is how Introverts sometimes act.)
> 
> ...



Very wise post. This definitely helps me understand my personality better, thanks for the insight! I look forward to the challenges!


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## liz (di-va) (May 21, 2011)

This is a nice thread, with good advice. "Relax" is good advice--as is the idea of letting unexpected things happen, because they're going to, anyhow.

I am way older than you, Scorcese, and I still struggle with shyness at times. I am a weird combo with new people of not-shy/brash/comfortable but also socially anxious/sweating the conversational silence/wanting to flee. (I always say that I'll introduce myself to anybody but at around 1:30 I start to get nervous. Bravado only gets you so far. Heh.) But once I'm comfortable around somebody...it all changes.

I mention all this by way of saying that I can get comfortable with/do the best with men who just...hang in there. Men who are mellow themselves, but have some intent in wanting to know who I am and awareness that they don't know who I am until they talk to me. 

Taking your hands of the reins--letting go of the outcome--as with everything in this life, seems to be the key to managing shyness. Just letting things happen--but also showing up--giving things a chance to happen.

I dunno, all easier said than done, and I don't have this figured out myself, but still--just sympathizin. Empathizing.


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## Bighairyman (May 21, 2011)

paperman921 said:


> Very wise post. This definitely helps me understand my personality better, thanks for the insight! I look forward to the challenges!



Agreed. Excellent post. Thanks.


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## luvbigfellas (May 21, 2011)

INTJ. Yay! (But oddly social.)


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## J34 (May 22, 2011)

I know I am INTP for sure. 

(Goes back to his room and theorizes scenarios of meeting women)


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## JulianDW (May 22, 2011)

Bighairyman said:


> Agreed. Excellent post. Thanks.



Yeah, that was a very insightful post. My advice would be to at least to attempt to talk to her. Even if it doesnt go the way you planned at least you wont be regretting never having tried to talk to her


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## PhiloGirl (May 22, 2011)

I am a definite introvert - whether by nature or "conditioning", I'm not sure, but it could help all us shy people to realize... there are others out there. I know that when I'm thinking of approaching someone, I usually build them up in my head as my total opposite: "How could I go talk to them? They're probably super-confident and outgoing and my nervousness will seem completely pathetic and they'll laugh in my face" etc, etc. This may sound weird, but it's actually kind of a relief for me to hear a few of you guys say that you're shy! I'll remember that the next time I'd like to introduce myself to someone - maybe he's just as shy as I am.

And as far as being approached... in my limited experience, I've had the opposite problem; guys who were not shy at all to grab my ass while dancing in the club (after having met mere hours ago) or proposition me to go back to their hotel room. I would be click-my-heels-in-the-air delighted to have a guy approach me and be a little awkward - if his nervousness stemmed from a sweet personality and a genuine desire to get to know me.


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## bmann0413 (May 23, 2011)

Approaching someone I don't know is kinda complex for me. I can't approach anyone, but if they approach me, I don't really have a problem. It's pretty weird.


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## Saoirse (May 23, 2011)

FatAndProud said:


> Personally, I wouldn't want a guy to be like "Hey, nice shoes, wanna f*ck?"



heh, thats actually worked on me a time or two


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## Zandoz (May 23, 2011)

INFP, for what ever that is worth.

The way I see myself is sometimes a bit contradictory. Definitely shy, but the person who says hello to just about everyone who passes. The problem comes with what happens after "Hello". I am absolutely horrid at small talk...doubly so when it comes to me initiating or carrying the conversation. On the other hand, when it comes to helping someone with something I know a bit about, I never know when to shut up....LOL. In a party situation, I am going to be the guy over in the corner perfectly content to listen to the band and people watching. 

For you Star Trek NG fans, A line from 'Reg' Barclay hit home:

"Being afraid all of the time, of forgetting somebody's name, not, not knowing... what to do with your hands. I mean, I, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when there's a party. And then, when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant."

In stead of examining the plant, I'd be people watching...and not really unhappy about it...the rest, yeah, pretty spot on.


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 23, 2011)

PhiloGirl said:


> I'll remember that the next time I'd like to introduce myself to someone - maybe he's just as shy as I am.



This was the great revelation that came to me in high school. I assumed -- as teenagers will -- that everyone else was confident and clued in and I was the only one who wasn't totally cool and relaxed. But the more I thought about it the clearer it became that nobody else had any more idea what was going on than I did! So I determined to act confident and knowledgeable, and -- guess what -- I became a leader as my peers lined up to follow me on the principle of "He looks like he knows what he's doing, so he must be right." This, incidentally, has gone a long way towards letting me understand politics.


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## EMH1701 (May 23, 2011)

I am horribly shy around new people, especially non-nerdy types that I have nothing in common with

I'm INTJ even.


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