# I'm venting. Pass this on over...



## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

My boyfriend is on a diet. Again.

Now, aesthetically I have no issue with him dieting--the whole "I'd love you no matter what" routine holds true. Maybe I'd be bummed, normally, but honestly the weight-loss part doesn't bother me. It's the diet itself that I can't live with. Not because he's on one, but because he talks about it _constantly_.

Now, I'm the girlfriend. I expect him to talk to me about things...and if that includes his diet from time to time, I'm ok with it. I am, however (and he knows I am) a recovering anorexic. I can't remember a time when I was comfortable with my body...and I've noticed that my inability to cope with my eating disorder spikes when my guy, my friends, my family, my coworkers, whatever, are actively (and usually loudly) dieting.

Obviously it's not his fault. It's my hang-up. I'm the one who can't deal...so I don't know how to tell him that I don't mind if he loses weight, but I can't listen to all the sordid details anymore. I've lost three pounds in a little under a week. It sounds like nothing, but dropping from 110 to 107 on my body? Big deal. 

We've been through this before. In the end, he left me because I was "too distant". Our arguments all centered around how shallow I was being--refusing to go out to dinner with him and not wanting to hear about how many calories he'd cut out that day--because he knows I dig bigger guys, and he assumes that my dislike of hard-core dieting is tied to THAT, not to my own tendency to binge on diet pills and run for three hours at a stretch when confronted with anything stressful.

And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to him. I do know that I can't keep this up. I had a nasty dizzy spell this morning, spilled coffee down my neck and right shoulder and gave myself some very pretty second-degree burns. (Ugh...no, don't ask how I managed THAT one...did I mention I'm clumsy?) I've lost my coordination entirely a couple of times at work lately (bad to get vertigo when holding a two hundred pound laser printer). My parents are starting to worry again and I find myself desperate to tap into my "emergency ephedra" stash.

This is probably totally off topic, and you're welcome to delete it. I didn't know where else to bring it up.


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## Hossholiday (Feb 11, 2006)

I know what you mean. there is a woman in my office who is pretty overweight and she always goes on these diets and talks non stop about them. It drives us all nuts because we all know she will give up and resort to her old ways and gain more weight. The cycle never ends. I know your pain.


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## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

I think you might have missed what I was saying entirely.


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## Hossholiday (Feb 11, 2006)

sorry. I'm stoopid.


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## missaf (Feb 11, 2006)

Actually, I don't think Hoss missed the point, I think he hit part of it head on. There are several things going on in your post.

1) People who are obsessed about their weight and not comfortable with it talk about their diets incessantly, to the point of bugging everyone else about it, or annoying them to hell because of their obsession. If it's a true lifestyle change, the food obsession (whether it's an addiction to food or an addiction to dieting), won't happen.

2) You have an inalienable right to do what you need to do to protect yourself. If you're worried about exposure to his obsession being a factor in making you lose weight again, then honey, you don't need to be around him, boyfriend or not. You have to take a stand for yourself and it's by NO MEANS shallow to say -- When you talk about your diet with me EVERY DAMN DAY, I start to feel tired and worried about myself, I don't like to feel that way, can we please reserve talk about your diet for 2 nights a week?

If he can't accept the fact that his dieting is hurting you, then he doesn't deserve you anyway.


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## Hossholiday (Feb 11, 2006)

does that mean I don't have to be stoopid anymore?


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## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

Hossholiday said:


> does that mean I don't have to be stoopid anymore?



I don't think it was a matter of being "stoopid", just that you avoided the major point. I'm not annoyed (although I probably would be if I didn't love him) by his rambling about his diet. I'm more concerned that it's indirectly causing my ED to be more prominent.


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## Hossholiday (Feb 11, 2006)

I got that once I re-read your post.


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## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

missaf said:


> Actually, I don't think Hoss missed the point, I think he hit part of it head on. There are several things going on in your post.
> 
> 1) People who are obsessed about their weight and not comfortable with it talk about their diets incessantly, to the point of bugging everyone else about it, or annoying them to hell because of their obsession. If it's a true lifestyle change, the food obsession (whether it's an addiction to food or an addiction to dieting), won't happen.
> 
> ...



*sigh* It certainly feels shallow. He doesn't mean to hurt me in any way, and I know that...which is part of the reason I'm afraid to bring it up. No matter how I word it, the conversation feels like I'm accusing him of something.

My long-term (very tall, very lanky) ex had a tendency to get "worried" about his weight anytime *I* weighed more than a hundred pounds. Suddenly "we" needed to start going to the gym or watching what we ate...except it was never "us" following through on it. I was the only one expected to lose weight or cut my calories. I'm not saying he caused the ED, but it became a nice trigger..and two years later, I should be past that point. But I'm not. And it feels completely unfair to shut down my boyfriend's need to vent about his diet because someone in my past exploited an admittedly pre-existing condition.


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## missaf (Feb 11, 2006)

While it may seem unfair to "shut him down," is it fair to you to lose enough weight to start stressing you out and triggering your issues again? You're not telling him he can't feel that way, at least I don't think so, you want him to understand that you can't be his only venting source for this because it puts you in a position of discomfort. 

If someone cares about someone, they won't want to see them uncomfortable with something, and he should see that and respcet it.


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## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

Grrr...damn you and your infallible logic.


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## missaf (Feb 11, 2006)

Laina said:


> Grrr...damn you and your infallible logic.




I do try my best


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## Jackoblangada (Feb 11, 2006)

Wise woman that Missa F. 

I have been around long enough to know now...and trust me it has taken this long..to know that you have to be forthright with each other. 
While you are inclined to be supportive and protective of him by no telling him and asking for his cooperation in making it easer on you it will only turn out bad. He will sense your discomfort and make up reasons why, usually far worse than the real reason. You will begin to resent him for how you feel..

It's a wicked vicious cycle (yeah i live in seattle but i am from new england). 
My advise, and it's only advice is talk to him. Tell him you are happy he making a decision to be healthier and he is committed and you are behind him 100%, but you can't be his sounding board through no fault of his. 

And make sure you have someone you can talk to! Not just us strangers on a board but someone you can talk with..You above all of us know how serious these issues are and should not be taken lightly.

You can only take care of him by taking care of yourself.


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## missaf (Feb 11, 2006)

Jackoblangada said:


> You can only take care of him by taking care of yourself.



Very true Jack.


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## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

Jackoblangada said:


> Wise woman that Missa F.
> 
> I have been around long enough to know now...and trust me it has taken this long..to know that you have to be forthright with each other.
> While you are inclined to be supportive and protective of him by no telling him and asking for his cooperation in making it easer on you it will only turn out bad. He will sense your discomfort and make up reasons why, usually far worse than the real reason. You will begin to resent him for how you feel..
> ...



Ahhhh! Ten million bonus points for your use of "wicked". (By the way: you know you're from New England when you recognize the four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, STILL Winter, and Road Construction.)

As for talking...I wish I could. I was hesitant to post anything here, even. While I'm not in any way saying that it's easier to be too fat than too thin...but talking about my weight issues inevitably gets me The Look(tm). The Look implies that I should be shutting up already, because I'm just on the healthy side of underweight. I'm not in danger of dying anytime soon, if I maintain my weight right where it is--it's losing anymore weight that would put me in danger. Thus, the overwhelming opinion I've run into is "you're fine, you're thin, quit bitching".

I also get The Look no matter what I eat--if it's too little, people are quick to comment that a "tiny thing" like me doesn't need to diet. If it's anywhere that borders on normal...well, people are just as quick to comment on how MUCH I'm eating. Total strangers have rebuked me for buying candy bars to the tune of "you won't keep that cute little figure eating like that". (Sadly, he was a customer at the store I worked in, so I couldn't tell him off...I wound up throwing away what was going to be my first "meal" in eighteen hours and crying in my car. Yay.)

I know that it's tough to tell by looking at me that I have an eating disorder. I've fought pretty hard to get to a point where I didn't look like I was going to keel over at any given moment. Still, it often feels like everywhere I go someone has to say SOMETHING about my eating habits, and none of it is constructive. Of course, I'm also probably over-sensitive to it. A handful of my current friends know...but how do you bring something like that up? "Hey, want a soda? Did you know I weighed 86 pounds for most of my junior year of high school? Let's go shoe shopping!"

Blargh. I'm rambling.


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## missaf (Feb 11, 2006)

"The Look" you're mentioning isn't a symptom of yours or his weight problems, it's a sign of something bigger-- that your feelings don't matter. Because you're skinny and have an eating disorder that makes you skinny, he's not seeing where you're coming from. It's easier for him to dismiss your problem because it's not his. This isn't your doing, but giving in to his responses would be.

Everyone has a right to bitch, and I for one feel honored you can bring yourself to post here. If it helps any, feel free to bitch about him bitching anytime


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## Laina (Feb 11, 2006)

I don't get The Look(tm) from him...well, not usually, anyway. The Look comes mostly from women--and I'm pretty sure there's a Look for everyone. I have to give Boyfriend credit, he's busted his butt to be supportive...it's just that you're right. He's not in my head, so he has no idea how much his comments affect me (and why should they, if they're directed at him?). I'm not angry at him, and it's not his fault. I have no problem recognizing that they're my hangups...unfortunately, knowing that doesn't make them disappear.


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## Jes (Feb 11, 2006)

Laina, I think you said you find it nervewracking to sit down and talk this out with him, but I think that's the only way this will get better. I'm not saying it's easy, but I think it's doable. You clearly know how you feel about all of this, so just pick a time and place and do your best.

Have you tried the method therapists always suggest which is:

Honey, when you say [xyz, whatever...diet talk in this context], it makes me feel [xyz...so for you, that'd be: obsessed with food and weight and thoughts that aren't healthy FOR ME]. Is that how you want me to be feeling?

Now I'm sure he'll say: no, of course not! And I didn't realize that what *I* said about me translated like that to YOU. 

Tell him the ways in which you CAN be supportive and then support him in those ways. Explain how your mind, which is an ill mind in the way it deals with food (and I know that must sound harsh or like I'm pathologizing you, but please read me the correct way), hears what he says to you about himself. Admit that yes, even though he's talking about his own stuff, you have trouble not taking that onto, or into, yourself somehow.

Hell, write it down and hand it to him if you think that'll be easier. Then he can refer to it later.


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## Laina (Feb 12, 2006)

I, um...copped out. Pointed him in the direction of this post, and then hid for ten mintues while he read it. *nod*

Longest ten minutes of my life.


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## Jackoblangada (Feb 12, 2006)

That's a start anyway. I hope the next ten minutes went smoothly.


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## missaf (Feb 12, 2006)

Wow Laina, that was daring! I hope everything went OK. It's not easy to break the ice and share your feelings when you don't want the other person to feel inconvenienced, but for your sake, I'm glad you did.


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## NFA (Feb 12, 2006)

Being an FA who doesn't want to be with a dieter isn't automatically a shallowness issue, though I recognize dieters will often make such an accusation. Do I object to a woman dieting because I want her to stay fat? No. Fact is, the odds are tremendously in my favor if I just want to ride it out because I know diets don't work.

Which really gets to the heart of the issue for me. I don't think dieting is a good or healthy thing. It goes against everything I believe in. I don't want to be with a dieter because I don't want to be with someone who so profoundly rejects things that are very imporant to me. Whats more, I don't think its fair to be with someone knowing that I don't support what they are doing. I won't just blindly support something I know to be a bad idea because I love someone. BECAUSE of the love, I cannot ever do that.

While I don't have the ED issues at play, there is the fact that when I put on weight as a young adult, I drew upon my experience and knowledge as an FA to help me accept my body for what it was. I'm profoundly grateful of who I am, and being with someone who rejects that so strongly is difficult. I has a girlfriend who was a severe dieter. For all intents, she was wildly successful anorexic, but fat women can't be anorexic so instead she got praised. She didn't tell me about this, though. She knew how I felt, and presumably hid this from me in an effort to save the relationship. It was a deciet I was very genuinely hurt by so I would strongly urge honesty with your feelings. Even though I was hurt because I was honest in the first place, I don't regret that. When I did discover the truth of what she had been doing, it made me feel awful about myself. For a month or so, I just hated myself and hated my body. I realized this was the wrong response, and you need to realize that its okay to want to be supported yourself. Its very important and sometimes its more than just saying the right things at the right times.


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## TallEnglishman (Feb 12, 2006)

Laina said:


> Grrr...damn you and your infallible logic.



You sound like a Marvel villain, Laina! This is a very interesting thread, btw. It's so intriguing, the fact that a (former) anorexic can be attracted to her physical opposite: I'd love to hear more about your preferences, and how they manifested themselves...

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2:


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## pattycake (Feb 13, 2006)

Laina said:


> I, um...copped out. Pointed him in the direction of this post, and then hid for ten mintues while he read it. *nod*
> 
> Longest ten minutes of my life.



Was going to suggest just that! Broaching something like this with someone can be so hard, but your posts expressed it very clearly here so hopefully he'll have got the point and not think it's a question of you getting pissed off because you want him to stay fat.
I know men don't really talk about stuff like diets with their male friends but it's really no sacrifice for him to cut out (or at least, cut _down_) the diet talk with you. 
At least you've realised that this could put you back on a bad road (or may have already started) and realised what needs to be done. He'd have to be a total cretin to find it unreasonable.
Hope all went well and am sending you virtual hugs!


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## tankgirl (Feb 16, 2006)

Well, how did it go?
Well...??
Inquiring minds are REALLY hoping it all went well, at least for you in any case.
And I'm not really sure about EDs. I know they're there. Just don't make a lot of sense. Either that, or they do, and I'm absolutely terrible about it, and ought to be taking care about certain behaviours. Heh. *shrugs* Plus sized anorexics. Yep. I believe that. Also think most of them need to take stock of their frame size, and go with what looks good.
If they don't, and actually weigh what they want to, they stand a good chance of looking like a dude.
Shit, I got a haircut finally, and people STILL think I look like I guy.
One of these times, I swear, I'm just gonna drop trou, point at my snatch and ask if this LOOKS like a dick to them. Yep.
And moon I dunno HOW many people simultaneously.
Yeahhhhhh.
I dun really have anything wise to say, except no one deserves to be shit on, directly or INdirectly.
And it sounds like you need to R-E-L-A-X a bit. Take some time, find a bookstore with a coffee shop or sommat, and hide (and read, or whatever in place of a bookstore) all day, maybe get A book or two, then come home, and take a long hot soaky bath with some of those aroma therapy salts or whatever, and go STRAIGHT to bed in FRESH sheets and covers with a lavendar sachet under your pillow. Good for sleep and so much other shit I can't remember it all. And the rest of it's kind of just a symbolic changeover. Ignore the phone all day, don't answer the door if you decide to stay home and read- just act like you're not there. Disappear for a day. It helps. Longer helps more, if you can pull it.


Hope you can get SOMETHING helpful out of my rambling....


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## TallEnglishman (Feb 16, 2006)

tankgirl said:


> ...it sounds like you need to R-E-L-A-X a bit. ...Disappear for a day. It helps. Longer helps more, if you can pull it....



Wise words, Ms Tankgirl. I don't know if Laina herself has read them, but I certainly have, and appreciate them... It's so easy to allow things to get on top of oneself/out of control. Chilling, removing oneself from the fray, etc etc, sometimes this simple remedy works better than all the acres of active "to do" advice one is bombarded with.

If your post was "rambling", then *let's all ramble more!!*

:eat1: :eat1: :eat1: :eat2: :eat2: :eat2: 

:bow:


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## Laina (Feb 19, 2006)

tankgirl said:


> Well, how did it go?
> Well...??
> Inquiring minds are REALLY hoping it all went well, at least for you in any case.
> And I'm not really sure about EDs. I know they're there. Just don't make a lot of sense. Either that, or they do, and I'm absolutely terrible about it, and ought to be taking care about certain behaviours. Heh. *shrugs* Plus sized anorexics. Yep. I believe that. Also think most of them need to take stock of their frame size, and go with what looks good.
> ...



*deep breath*

It went...surprisingly well, when all was said and done. The discussion took us three days to finish. (Obviously, there were breaks to work, sleep, and chase a rogue donkey down Rte. 83, but that's a whole other story.) Apparently, the biggest shock (for him) was this board. A girl can say "I like my boys big" for months, but let her post on a webboard to that effect and it FINALLY sinks in...so I still have my adoring, adorable boyfriend. And...our relationship is now a diet-free zone. He still hits the gym (almost) as hard as I do, but all talk of counting calories is gone. 

Dude, everything in life should be this easy. Thank you guys so much. =)


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## missaf (Feb 19, 2006)

It sounds like you are incredibly happy with the results. Thanks for sharing with us Laina, and we're glad to be here for ya 

Is your boyfriend gonna join us here?


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## Laina (Feb 19, 2006)

Haha...don't I wish. Right now his involvement is limited to glancing at the screen over my shoulder when I use his computer to log in. I don't think the idea of coming out as a "fat guy" is overly enticing to him--yet, anyway. Since he's not necessarily fat (he's on the smallish size of my preference range...it was the eyes that won me over, ultimately =P) and he's not necessarily comfortable with his size--again, yet--finding out that I was a member of this board was kind of an ego blow. He's taken it in stride, though...once he got the inevitable "so how big do you want me to be?" out of the way, he calmed down considerably.

I'll work on it. =)


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## Jackoblangada (Feb 19, 2006)

I am delighted to hear that Laina! I certainly hope this has bilt a whole new level of communication and trust between you. I smile for you both!
Jack


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## missaf (Feb 19, 2006)

Jackoblangada said:


> I am delighted to hear that Laina! I certainly hope this has bilt a whole new level of communication and trust between you. I smile for you both!
> Jack



Yeah, it's not every day we see things, especially "out of the closet" things like this go so well :0


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## tankgirl (Feb 22, 2006)

*cheers!!!*
And kudos. Takes some _cajones _sometimes to just get it out, but goodgoodgood that you did and betterbest that it all worked out.

I think I should put Anne McCaffrey's dolphins down for a while 

Any rate. Very glad it got taken care of, for both of you. I daresay though, I too wish things were that easy (even three days easy!). My life would be SO much calmer....
That's other news and old though. Heh.

Enjoy the calm and pray for a lack of another shoe lurking about somewhere. I am. ^.^


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## Goreki (Feb 22, 2006)

Boo yah!


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## Jackoblangada (Feb 22, 2006)

Yes, what she said! i concur


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