# After "coming out" to partner



## fm2000 (Feb 13, 2011)

I've known about my attraction to fat women and men since I was very young and realized it was exclusive sometime in my early twenties. Now I am almost thirty and am in the first relationship where I can be open about my FFAness. To a point.

My partner is on the "smaller" side of what I tend to like (he is ~250 lbs), and has a very beautiful body. He has gone from chubby to fat in the last few years and is still getting used to his newish size, occasionally talking about working out (never dieting) and saying he can't get any fatter. That doesn't keep him from pigging out frequently...ah, where was I?  i think part of why he is conscious of his weight is that he wants to appeal to a broader amount of women (we are in an open relationship - a serious one, we cohabitate etc.).)

So here's the thing: he's non judgmental as all get out and has his own kinks and fetishes. He caters to mine in terms of interests that some of you know and love (using his weight in certain ways during sex, posing with his big belly sticking out), but I still feel bashful about some things. He doesn't know about the websites I look at or how big I like people to be, I feel shy about things like grabbing or other ways of drawing attention to his fat, fat talk, etc - all things I've missed out on in the past when I could not have been as open. He stresses honesty above all things and is very open about his sexual quirks and proclivities and I want to reciprocate.

How have people caught halfway like this dealt with their situation?


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## ZainTheInsane (Feb 14, 2011)

Just tell him everything. But do it at a time when he is feeling comfortable with himself, and you are feeling particularly confident. You know...one of those great days when you feel like you rolled out of bed on the better side, and he's looking and feeling rather handsome.

I confessed all to my most recent ex, and she was amazingly receptive to the whole thing. We spoke about it, and though she wasn't completely comfortable with indulging all my likes, quirks, and fetishes, she was understanding. She listened, and I'd have to say learned quite a bit from everything I told her. From the point which I told her everything she used it to her advantage...in the bedroom, in teasing me with various things she could do and still feel comfortable within her own skin.

And that's the point...to make sure they know it all, and to know that your partner has to be comfortable with the various fetishes or thing or whatever to indulge them fully. 

I'll give you a for instance. I have a fart fetish. She didn't understand it at first and was hesitant to indulge. Gradually she tried indulging me (aka farting around me) from time to time, and as she saw my reaction, realized I thought it was cute and sexy, she gained confidence in it and continued to do it. After a while she farted loudly and proudly whenever she needed to while I was around, sometimes even doing it in public discreetly or while sitting on my lap to be a little frisky or tease me.

So, be truthful, and come forward with everything. I make no promises that it will work out for the best, but it is better to know than not to know. A lot of men and women will do a great deal more than you'd think for someone they love dearly, as long as they feel comfortable with it. 

And remember, if he does something for you, indulges your fetishes...like say putting on a few (or a lot of) pounds, and becoming a bigger guy, make him feel sexy and amazing. Keep telling him you love it, and that it is very sexy to you. You might be surprised just how much sexier it makes him feel, and he in turn may be willing to continue indulging. And then who knows where you might be next 

Good luck!


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## Never2fat4me (Feb 14, 2011)

I think my post could very well be the ying to Zane's yang. I have had positive reactions after I explained what it was that turned me on, but more were either neutral (kind "good for you but I ain't interested") or negative (this only happened twice, but they both were painful experiences). I am trying not to come across as pessimistic, but I know my analytical style often deals with the negative more than the positive. In this case, if things go well, you don't need any advice from me! I just try to prepare for the worst and am ready for the best, so I will try to look more at the decision-making process you are going through right now.

Based on my own experience - albeit with SSBBWs - I can really understand your hesitation in telling him about your preferences. It is one of the hardest things I ever have to do in a relationship, that is, tell them I like a REALLY big woman and that I am really turned on by women gaining. The subject has to be raised in a delicate way so as not to drive off your partner; it's a part of my sexuality, but not the only thing, and you don't want to make your fantasy ruin reality by making them think that if they don't want to gain, then they'll have no future with you. So in short, I hear you!

In my view, the two big factors in when/how to tell him would be his own self-confidence about his fat body and what it is you want to get out of telling him. And you need to be prepared for the possibility (probability?) that you won't like his answer.

If he is uncomfortable about being as fat as he is now - and you have to be totally honest in this assessment - then it would probably not be a good idea to let him know you would want him to be fatter at this point. Until he is comfortable with his own body, this is a delicate subject and probably should be avoided. If he does like being fat, then I would let him in on this side of your fat preferences. (But letting him know what turns you on shouldn't be a problem, as long as it is put that way and there wouldn't appear to be any pressure for him to gain.)

What you want to get out of telling him is probably even more important in finding an approach to raising the subject. If all you want to do is let him know what you fantasize about, that is one thing, and telling him could be done by giving him the option to visit some of the sites you post on and gently inviting him to explore on his own (or maybe with you). Let it be a journey of exploration where he is his own guide; you just point him to the paths to follow. Then talk to him about what he found after giving him some time to digest it all. Preferably he should come to you about this; don't push him to open up or hound him for answers, as that will just make him defensive build a wall between you. Hopefully he will be really intrigued and you'll be up all night talking about it, but be prepared for a negative reaction as well.

If you are telling him this because you want to tell him you want him to gain - or maybe (you mentioned you had open relationship) because you want to let him know that you are looking to find some really fat guys to sleep around with - then you should be up front about it. Not necessarily at first - like, you don't have to start off the conversation with "I want you to get fatter, so go check out some of these sites I like...", but have a gameplan for introducing the subject. For example, you might want to start by raising his awareness about SSBHM and how attractive you find them. Later - and based on his reaction - you could ask him what he would think about getting fatter. Maybe he'll get the hint - or have enjoyed getting fatter and might suggest independently / ask what you would think about him gaining more. If not, then gauge what he thinks about the sites. If he seems grossed out by them and declares he would never want to get that fat, then you'll have to drop the issue of him getting fatter. 

Mentally prepare yourself for this rejection of your desires; he may really not want to participate in this fantasy, and since he has to live with his size 24/7, his choice is final (and he shouldn't be pressured to gain). For me, gaining would be fun, but the person is more important to me and so it is something I would accept and so I would have to get my jollies talking about it with people online. But you still have to be true to you, so maybe you could find out if talking about gaining or reading weight gain stories together is something he could be comfortable with, much in the way that Zane's wife farts for him. Or - and again, self knowledge is key - you may have to decide that his being fatter is the only way you will be happy with him, and if so, you have to be honest about this. 

This part I am not speaking from experience, as it is not how I have ever felt about a woman - i.e., I have always valued my gf for more than her weight, much as I may have loved how fat she was. But I do know enough about life to say that you have to be honest in your own self-assessment in what you want out of a relationship and then act accordingly. And in this case, before bringing any of this up, you have to think about the "worst case scenario" and how you would react to it.

Not sure if that was any help, but good luck! Let us know how this story ends some time, won't you?

Best,

Chris


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 14, 2011)

I do think you have to be careful with how you come across. The fat play and stuff would be great but I'm not certain there is anything to gain in holding up pictures of really fat men or women and saying, "This is what I prefer." If you preferred thinner people or people with 12 inch schlongs would you do this? Not a good idea.

I've been chatting with a guy who sent me a couple of strapping photos of himself. They were old though and since we've been talking he hasn't sent anymore though I'm a cam whore and mine are all over the place. I started to get the impression that he was not really pleased with his current appearance and sure enough, he sent me a recent photo in which he put on a few pounds. Now this guy is an FA and I don't think he realized that I am also. I never mentioned it before because it just didn't seem relevant. I like him and that really is all there needs to be said but seeing his added weight really made me say, "Vavaavooom." I put on a good show of telling him how much I loved the photo. I figured he probably needed to hear it but then he demanded to know why I loved it so much. I was squirming around about it because I didn't want to say it was because he was somewhat thicker and I like it. He clearly doesn't like it and I didn't want him having any complexes about how I would like him much better at one size than the other which isn't true at all. One has naught to do with the other and I didn't want to muck up the issues with irrelevant semantics. I had to come up with something to say because he wasn't going to let go. I muttered something that apparently appeased him and he let it go, but I was sweating bullets over that. I near had a heartattack. I don't feel good about lying but I feel somewhat worse about causing him unnecessary drama over something that isn't even a weight bearing mechanism. I'm not sure how one would breach such a subject but then again I'm not sure it's a good idea in the first place.


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## The Orange Mage (Feb 18, 2011)

Well, I always put it out front: I like big girls. Really big girls.

The first girl I tried this upfront approach on just kinda rolled with it but never really liked it at all. She was on the borderline between plus and non-plus (and nonplussed!) sizes and didn't like that I liked her fat body and of course felt like shit that she "wasn't fat enough for me." It's not that she wasn't fat enough, it's just that she could never be too fat, if that makes any sense. 

What I've learned with my approach is that people take it at face value, and don't even begin to connect to the dots of what me being an FA entails, so really I do have to "come out" at some point and explain it all and it's almost always scary as hell to do so.


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## Adrian (Feb 24, 2011)

I agree with The Orange Mage, an FA should come out ASAP. One thing you don't want is to fall in love with someone and they start talking about dieting almost immediately after starting the relationship. I always let the young lady know that her large body was as much of an attraction to me as her pretty face!


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## BlueBurning (Feb 25, 2011)

Adrian said:


> I agree with The Orange Mage, an FA should come out ASAP. One thing you don't want is to fall in love with someone and they start talking about dieting almost immediately after starting the relationship. I always let the young lady know that her large body was as much of an attraction to me as her pretty face!



If you are an FA/FFA and you fall in love with somebody who wants to lose weight should you not support them? I understand that physical appearance is going to play a major role in bringing most individuals into a relationship but if you are in a loving relationship would you not support your partners decisions?

Going back to the original post, based on the information you provided about your partner and his values I would simply suggest raising your preference in the same manner the two of you have discussed other sexual issues in the past. It seems as if you two are very open about listening to each others preferences and needs so I would suggest treating this in the same manner.


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## Jon Blaze (Feb 25, 2011)

Well you are already in a relationship and he's aware of some of these things. 

What I would do personally is that unless for some reason it's really eating away at you: Find the right moment to say it. By that I mean when you and him are having a conversation near the subject in a setting where continuing on may not be uncomfortable. I would compare it doing anything sexual and just having that "Let's try something new" moment. 

Sometimes throwing these things out has to be a calculated effort, but I mean it's different from just saying you're an FA. I feel that should always be put out quickly. Not necessarily yelling it, but I mean being truthful about it. But just like with any relationship you shouldn't just jump in saying you like (Insert millions of things here), because yes that may very well scare them. I would just sort of ease into it. A preference is something that I feel should be out in the open, but a fetish can sometimes be a very personal subject which the level of comfort may need to be tested beforehand.


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## PeanutButterfly (Mar 2, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> i personally don't understand the drive to "tell" a partner about a sexual attraction at all. i'm not being snarky, just trying to understand why it can't just be that you are attracted to your partner instead of a whole class or type when you talk to them? why is telling them this so important for you?



My reasoning for wanting to tell a partner I'm an FA is pretty simple. When you love someone you want them to know everything about you. You want to share your life completely with them and be honest about who you are. For myself, and I'm sure many other FAs, having this preference, fetish, whatever isn't just about what you find attractive. It also colors your vision of the world. Where "normal" people see unattractive rolls, you see sexy. Where the normies see a fat ugly face, you see beautiful full cheeks. Where they see the words "heart attack" "early death" or "morbidly obese" you see the words "Health at Every Size". My point is that society looks at weight vastly differently than most FAs do and if your partner hasnt been exposed to our community they probably do too.

For me its more about letting my partner know why I think differently. It's not just that I sympathize with the overweight, its because I find fat to be beautiful. I'm not just fat because I love to eat nor do I spend my life wishing to be a size 2. Part of the reason I'm fat is because it turns me on. A lot of times we look at the coming out issue as being about how the partner feels about him or herself but a big part is how the FA feels too. 

We're taught at a young age to be ashamed of being deviant. We're taught even more so to be ashamed of being fat. Being a fat loving deviant is a hard thing for a partner to accept. Most FAs know this. But at the end of the day isn't love about accepting your partner and everything that makes them tick? Being an FA is a big part of who I am, a part very very few people get to see. With someone I love I don't want to have to hide something that I think about, grapple with, and come to terms with on a daily basis. When I come home to my partner I'd like to know that they love me, all of me, even the deviant parts. 

Hopefully that made some sense


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## Webmaster (Mar 2, 2011)

PeanutButterfly said:


> Hopefully that made some sense



Plenty of sense. And I totally agree. I cannot even imagine a life where a joyful preference is not shared and celebrated. To fearfully hide it in the closet and only admit to the politically correct party line is unthinkable to me.


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## PeanutButterfly (Mar 2, 2011)

superodalisque said:


> i empathize with you and am by no mean am itrying to make you into a bad person for feeling this way. but you have to think from the other side. not all fat people want to be thought of as a fetish. not all fat people want the people who love them or are attracted to them to feel like deviants. i don't think loving a fat person in the US can be a deviation since over 50% of people are fat here. and also if your a fat person and you've never been ashamed of yourself and even if you have its not exactly a confidence inspiring thing to think that even the person who claims to love you should be ashamed or expect you to be ashamed of yourself. i think its easy to rationalize how some seem to feel but you have to take into account exactly how a lot of this affects people who are the object of all of this and who don't want to feel they are a freak just because they happen to be fat, especially when in the US in particular most people are fat and that makes it perfectly normal. so maybe your making your attraction into something it isn't. its not all that odd. its not such a big deal, just a fact of life. if it is only a sexual fetish to you then its another story. if the other person doesn't mind go for it. but if anyone is after more than that from you that approach can be very disappointing for them. its not about hiding a preference since being to attracted to fat people is NOT a sexual preference. fat people are not a third sex. they are male and female like everyone else and we have to be careful to recognize that fact. there is nothing more out of the closet than accepting yourself as normal for being attracted in a natural unapologetic non pathological way to a fat person. that does not entail having to "come out" but just being who you are and liking who you like without all of the self consciousness.



These are some valid points and I definitely agree with some of what you've said. However, I disagree that being an FA isn't a sexual preference. For me it certianly is. I can't speak for others but sex is vastly different and more enjoyable for me when I can focus on my partners size or my own. Just knowing I'm sleeping with an attractive fat person isnt the same as being able to touch softer parts or engage in some type of fat talk. Thats another reason why I feel it's important to "come out" to your partner because sex is a very real part of a relationship. If I found out there was something I could do for my partner to make it better for them I would at least want to know and give a shot. I'm not implying weight gain, as other posters have mentioned there are a number of different ways to have "fat sex" without anyone changing their body. But being close enough to someone to share those inner desires without judgment is something I think that defines love. Obviously if it makes your partner uncomfortable the corollary is to understand that and respect their desire to not engage. By not even opening up a conversation I feel like you do both you and your partner a disservice and remove a potential bonding experience. 

Unfortunately even though most people are fat in the US, its far from the norm to be an FA. I'm in no way saying that you should hide this preference simply because its not the norm. As a fat person I would be heartbroken if my boyfriend didn't want to be seen with me just because I'm not what his friends would consider "hot". For me coming out to your partner isn't about being ashamed at all. If anything I would want to come out so my partner would know that I'm not ashamed. I love them for them, all of them. I'm not looking past their size or secretly judging every meal they eat. I find them to be both mentally and physically beautiful. It would hurt me more to know someone loved me "despite" my size because my size has shaped who I am similar to the way being an FA has shaped who I am. Maybe deviancy is the wrong word as it has bad connotations, but as I mentioned in my previous post I think very differently from my non FA friends and family. This tells me I also think very differently from most of society regarding weight and fat. I accept and embrace the fact that I'm FA, it's a piece of me I wouldn't trade. For that reason, I still think my partner has a right to know all of me, not just the parts that are easy for us to talk to about.


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## EvilPrincess (Mar 2, 2011)

Moderator - reminder - 

if your post has gone missing it is because it was placed on a protected board. Unless you have identified as a FA/FFA then your input would be most appropriate in another forum. Remember this is a place for FA/FFA to express themselves and to explore what it means to be a FA. Some partial posts and references to posts were left since their replies added to the discussion. Your understanding is appreciated.


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## Duniwin (Mar 2, 2011)

Since you've asked how other have dealt with this subject, here goes:
My ex-girlfriend, who was on the smaller side of my preference, actually recognized my preference for big girls without me saying anything. (I guess actions speak louder than words.) As our relationship grew, she sort of drew my fetishes out of my bit by bit and trying things in the bedroom, like "fat talk" that she thought would turn me on. Our relationship ended for other reasons, my feeder fantasies didn't scare her off.

My girlfirend now is a part of this community and an SSBBW, we talked early about our sexuality and mine in particular. It felt so good to be able to be open and honest without fear of judgement. Yes, I was extremely nervous at first, as I always am when talking about my sexuality (I'm nervous typing this now), but the relief of being open with my partner about it is fantastic! For me, I don't need someone to indulge me and participate in all my fantasies, just someone who will listen and understand and be supportive.

I personally think Jon Blaze's advice is good: wait for the right moment, so time when you are feeling open an honest, when he's listening, when he brings up honesty and mentions his kinks/fetishes and test the waters. If he is receptive, great! If seems defensive or weirded out, back off and give him time to process before launching into a dissertation.


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## Adrian (Mar 12, 2011)

BlueBurning said:


> If you are an FA/FFA and you fall in love with somebody who wants to lose weight should you not support them?


As in the past, I did my best to support my wife after her bypass but, at that time.... I felt life had me by the family jewels!! My wife realized I was doing my best and our marriage survived but, I can't recommend this position to everyone for it can be a real grind for long periods of time!


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## gangstadawg (Mar 18, 2011)

Adrian said:


> As in the past, I did my best to support my wife after her bypass but, at that time.... I felt life had me by the family jewels!! My wife realized I was doing my best and our marriage survived but, I can't recommend this position to everyone for it can be a real grind for long periods of time!


i would hate it but i would support them. now if the support were to be about funding it then im not sure (if its not a close to dire situation or really necessary).


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## Fox (Apr 13, 2011)

I've read the posts from Peanutbutterfly and Duniwin and I feel the same way. I've been a FA ever since I was very little. My whole life afterwards, I've spent as a FA. I've learned to look at things, deal with things, and think about things from a perspective of a FA.

People often think that Fat Admiration is nothing more than a physical preference. To me, it's been quite a lifestyle. I want someone to share this lifestyle with. I think honestly is probably one of the most important things to a relationship. I want to be with a woman who can love me as I am. I'm tired of getting into relationships where I have to keep such secrets.


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## Weirdo890 (Apr 13, 2011)

I say be honest. Perhaps arrange a time to talk with him so both of you can place your cards on the table. I think a good honest discussion between the two of you can only help a relationship. Then perhaps you can work out an arrangement that can benefit both of you. That's the best that I can offer right now. I hope you and your partner will work this out. *thumbs up*


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## MrRabbit (Apr 29, 2011)

I fully agree with what PeanutButterfly has written already.

I would like to add that another reason for telling my partner is also that you can enjoy sex and intimacy more, especially if your partner is not very comfortable in her skin. My partner knows and appreciates that physically, it are those soft curves that attract me. Although she is not very happy with her curves and would like to lose a considerable amount of weight, she has absolutely no problem with me paying extra attention to those soft parts which she doesn't like too much herself, because she knows this is what I am physically attracted to.

If she would not know this, I would be much more uncomfortable to roam my hands over her softest parts, because she might freak out, or become super-self-conscious about it, especially if she doesn't like her own curves. I would then be denying myself an important part of my sexuality.

In summary, telling my partner I am an FA allows me to act on that part of my sexuality much more openly.


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## TruffleShuffle (Jun 19, 2011)

Hey, I'm new to this and I'm not very good with forums but I saw this discussion and I had to tell everyone how lucky I am. I'm a BHM, and I got bullied through high school for being bigger. I lost a hell of a lot of weight and became skinny in the attempts to find somebody until just over 5 months ago I met an absolutely gorgeous BBW and I fell in love. It took me so long to tell her that I like big girls and even longer to "come out" fully. She was a bit shocked by it all but found it extremely sweet as she hated the way she looked because she's had a lot of grief in the past from people about her weight. She now absolutely LOVES being big and claims it's the first time anyone has ever made her feel good about herself, and through loving herself, has started becoming an FFA, much to my delight. So now I can be my natural happy chubby self again and I'm gaining for her, and she's gaining for me and aims to be my "perfect SSBBW" which is about the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me. Don't get me wrong, if she lost a lot of weight and became skinny, I'd still worship the ground she walks on because I love her, but the way things turned out has made me feel like the luckiest person alive and I hope others on this forum feel like this or will soon feel like this


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## Jay West Coast (Jul 7, 2011)

I'd recommend being clear and direct.

"One of the things I like about you specifically is your body. It's exactly what I dreamt about having before I met you, and its what I think about when you're away. 

And since I have you now, please get in the sheets."


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## Fat Brian (Jul 7, 2011)

Jay West Coast said:


> I'd recommend being clear and direct.
> 
> "One of the things I like about you specifically is your body. It's exactly what I dreamt about having before I met you, and its what I think about when you're away.
> 
> And since I have you now, please get in the sheets."



See, if more guys could say this instead of "I really want to screw your fat rolls" or "I want you to sit on my face and suffocate me with your giant blubbery ass" they would have more success. You can't get all weird on her right away, she needs to feel comfortable with the new idea of someone being attracted her before you can spring that other stuff on her.


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## CastingPearls (Jul 7, 2011)

Jay West Coast said:


> I'd recommend being clear and direct.
> 
> "One of the things I like about you specifically is your body. It's exactly what I dreamt about having before I met you, and its what I think about when you're away.
> 
> And since I have you now, please get in the sheets."


I don't suffer fools gladly (although I've erred a time or two) but this THIS is nice. I would have responded favorably.


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## mediaboy (Jul 9, 2011)

Jay West Coast said:


> I'd recommend being clear and direct.
> 
> "One of the things I like about you specifically is your body. It's exactly what I dreamt about having before I met you, and its what I think about when you're away.
> 
> And since I have you now, please get in the sheets."




Make sure you slap them(lightly, playfully) on the butt & then rub the belly while saying this.


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