# Divided Self: Help Appreciated



## Azrael (Jan 18, 2012)

Recently, I went to one of my regular forums for advice which pertains to an FA/FFA issue however I wish to see a second opinion and I figured what better place to get advice about this than to converse with other FAs. So, here it goes.

My problem is that all women whom I am sexually attracted to (particularly the ones which I just CAN'T SEEM TO IGNORE) I ALSO see as ugly, a type of cognitive disonance.

Aesthetically, the women that I am sexually attracted to I think are ugly and because of this I ignore my sexuality.

Needless to say, this leads to a tad bit of a problem. I am not sexually attracted to thin/average women so all women which I find beautiful will never sexually satisfy me (because some chubby chasers can ONLY be turned on by fat chicks) while on the other side of the coin, every fat women that I find hot I can't stand to be with for too long because I am simultaneously repulsed by them.

Simply ignoring the one side leaves me unsatisfied but staying with a fat women that I'm sexually attraced to drives me away even more.

So, what would you recommend for me? Since I can't find a thin/average women sexually attractive there will be no sex life with one but since I can't stand to be around a chick I am sexually attracted to for too long the opposite doesn't work either...

A tad bit of help would be appreciated.
_
Special Note:_ I would just like to assure people that I am not repulsed by All fat women. I can find fat women beautiful just as I find thin women beautiful. The disonance occurs ONLY when I am sexually attracted to her.


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## Fat Brian (Jan 18, 2012)

I hate to answer a question with more questions, but, I have some questions. Are you repulsed by the same things that are sexually exciting, you see a big hanging belly and it is both attractive and repulsive at the same time ? Do you have a negative mental impression of fat women, like someone who has a fetish for women of a particular race but also has a hatred towards that race in general ? Is there anything else that is sexually arousing besides fat women and are you repulsed by whatever that is ? Does the sexual attraction cause the repulsion or does the repulsion cause the sexual attraction ?


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## CastingPearls (Jan 18, 2012)

You need to see a therapist. Seriously. And I'm not saying that because I'm dismissing you as crazy but you need to really get to the root of the issue with an impartial party because it will make you eventually.....crazy.


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## Azrael (Jan 18, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> I hate to answer a question with more questions, but, I have some questions. Are you repulsed by the same things that are sexually exciting, you see a big hanging belly and it is both attractive and repulsive at the same time ? Do you have a negative mental impression of fat women, like someone who has a fetish for women of a particular race but also has a hatred towards that race in general ? Is there anything else that is sexually arousing besides fat women and are you repulsed by whatever that is ? Does the sexual attraction cause the repulsion or does the repulsion cause the sexual attraction ?



I'm back from my Night class so I will be able to answer this.

For the most part, no.

Usually when I am sexually attracted to someone it is usually something else which repulses me, I'm not entirely sure what that is but it's something. For me, Aesthetics and sexuality are two very seperate things so what sexually attracts may not necessarily be "beautiful" to me but it isn't ugly either, it's just sexual. This lasts usually until when there is a much higher weight then it will start to bug me (but that's something else entirely I believe).

Nope, no negative impressions. Some people are simply unlucky from birth, others are unlucky later on in life, some do so out of their own free will, they are the way they are for whatever reason. I do not paint all fat women with a brush of being lazy, glutonous, or whatever for I know that is not true.

The third question is simply a no. 

And the final question is possibly. Sexual attraction may cause the repulsion but that is only based on my past history. I know this will probably make me seem crazy (or crazier) but this is something I used to do back in my high school days. Back in the day I would watch relatively dirty (clean by porn standards) fat related videos and then I would get sick of it and pull myself away. Because I felt disgusted, dirty, and "lowly" I would then proceed to punish myself (not in a masochistic way but as a legit punish) by repeatedly slapping myself in the face until I had felt it was a sufficient enough punishment.

Yea...


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## Fat Brian (Jan 18, 2012)

Interesting. So there is nothing that raises the flag pole but fat women. Alright, is the repulsion centered on the person, in that you find something about them unappealing, or is it due to the fact they cause arousal in you, a "Catholic guilt" style phenomenon? I know people are attracted to repulsive things like scat or something but they actually positively enjoy those things. Your account of physical punishment for watching videos speaks to some deeply seated sexual issues. You really should talk to someone about this, I don't think you by yourself or an armchair psychologist like me will get to the bottom of this. It seems like in an effort to suppress socially unacceptable desires you might have tied all the things you like to a deep inner sense of guilt for your "abnormal" attraction.


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## Azrael (Jan 19, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> Interesting. So there is nothing that raises the flag pole but fat women. Alright, is the repulsion centered on the person, in that you find something about them unappealing, or is it due to the fact they cause arousal in you, a "Catholic guilt" style phenomenon? I know people are attracted to repulsive things like scat or something but they actually positively enjoy those things. Your account of physical punishment for watching videos speaks to some deeply seated sexual issues. You really should talk to someone about this, I don't think you by yourself or an armchair psychologist like me will get to the bottom of this. It seems like in an effort to suppress socially unacceptable desires you might have tied all the things you like to a deep inner sense of guilt for your "abnormal" attraction.



The current one is centered on finding something about them unappealing while simultaneously being sexually attracted to them, that's the cognitive disonance that I'm talking about (holding two views simultaneously).

As I mentioned before, back in the day it was very much the Catholic Guilt style of phenomenom (funny cause I called it something similiar back then) but I got over that stage after a while now it's just kinda like this.


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## Fat Brian (Jan 19, 2012)

Azrael said:


> The current one is centered on finding something about them unappealing while simultaneously being sexually attracted to them, that's the cognitive disonance that I'm talking about (holding two views simultaneously).
> 
> As I mentioned before, back in the day it was very much the Catholic Guilt style of phenomenom (funny cause I called it something similiar back then) but I got over that stage after a while now it's just kinda like this.



It seems like you have moved beyond the early guilt over sexual feelings/reactions and self punishment to simply rejecting the person who is causing the feelings in the first place. Its much simpler to avoid the situation all together than to get aroused and then have to deal out the punishment.

Were you shamed about sexual things as a child or raised in a very sexually repressed environment ? Sadly, most so called christian religions have ruined sex for people by turning it into a dirty and wrong thing instead of the gift it was intended to be. Making what is a natural human desire into some horrible evil has taken a huge toll on generations of people.

The thing about only being aroused by fat women is still troubling me. Lets say you were watching a video of a woman giving a bj, they never show anything other than her face, you can't tell whether she is fat or thin but her face is attractive to you. Would just a beautiful woman of indeterminate size doing something sexual be arousing to you or does there have to be a fat component ?


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## Azrael (Jan 19, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> It seems like you have moved beyond the early guilt over sexual feelings/reactions and self punishment to simply rejecting the person who is causing the feelings in the first place. Its much simpler to avoid the situation all together than to get aroused and then have to deal out the punishment.
> 
> Were you shamed about sexual things as a child or raised in a very sexually repressed environment ? Sadly, most so called christian religions have ruined sex for people by turning it into a dirty and wrong thing instead of the gift it was intended to be. Making what is a natural human desire into some horrible evil has taken a huge toll on generations of people.
> 
> The thing about only being aroused by fat women is still troubling me. Lets say you were watching a video of a woman giving a bj, they never show anything other than her face, you can't tell whether she is fat or thin but her face is attractive to you. Would just a beautiful woman of indeterminate size doing something sexual be arousing to you or does there have to be a fat component ?



That's the odd thing, I wasn't at all. In my family religion is considered a private thing not a thing that's for the family. When I grilled my mom about evolution or what our family's religion was it was essentially an answer of "we're Protestant" and she doesn't believe in evolution. We don't push our religious beliefs on each other. My grandfather is active among the community and the church, my sister went to a Catholic School, and I'm leaning towards Thelema more than anything else. There was no sexual repression, I willfully repressed myself.

There has to be a fat component or somethng usually related to it (big breasts, big butt/thighs, or big belly). Often it requires some form of illusion with it. Like the camera being extremely close for everything to look bigger than actually is, stuff like that. Besides, I personally find BJs disgusting to be honest.


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## Fat Brian (Jan 19, 2012)

Azrael said:


> Besides, I personally find BJs disgusting to be honest.



Sorry, just trying to find an act that wouldn't necessitate seeing the rest of the body. Do you feel guilty for doing other pleasurable things that aren't sexual, like eating a pie or something ? Do you have a desire to be humiliated or objectified in any way ? There has to be a reason why you felt it necessary to be punished for something pleasurable. I would definitely call your FAness more of the fetish type than the preference type since it has to be involved for you to get aroused. There isn't really anything wrong with that, just food for thought.


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## Azrael (Jan 19, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> Sorry, just trying to find an act that wouldn't necessitate seeing the rest of the body. Do you feel guilty for doing other pleasurable things that aren't sexual, like eating a pie or something ? Do you have a desire to be humiliated or objectified in any way ? There has to be a reason why you felt it necessary to be punished for something pleasurable. I would definitely call your FAness more of the fetish type than the preference type since it has to be involved for you to get aroused. There isn't really anything wrong with that, just food for thought.



Nope, no guilt from doing other activities.

Not eating pies, nor eating an entire pizza, nor anything of that matter which isn't illegal do I feel guilt for.

I hate being humiliated and I'm not too sure on objectified...give an example

I felt it necessary to be punished for I considered it be a dirty, lowly, perverted action which needed to be controlled and corrected; I've already mentioned that that was back in the day.

And I'm not too keen on calling it a fetish mainly because the term fetish has negative connotations associated with it.


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## Fat Brian (Jan 19, 2012)

What are your attitudes toward sex in general ? You've used the word lowly to describe your early porn forays, do you feel that sex or sexuality makes a person less than or that it is a weakness ? Do you feel that having a sexual response makes you a bad person or a dirty person ?


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## Azrael (Jan 19, 2012)

Fat Brian said:


> What are your attitudes toward sex in general ? You've used the word lowly to describe your early porn forays, do you feel that sex or sexuality makes a person less than or that it is a weakness ? Do you feel that having a sexual response makes you a bad person or a dirty person ?



Something you have to understand is the difference between what I call personal and social morality.

social morality/ethics refers to practices which you see as good and bad for society.

Personal morality/ethics refers to practices which are usually considered good and bad for yourself. A bad habit which people tend to have is apply personal morality to everybody, I don't believe in such.

When it comes to sex it's really quite simple. So long as everybody is mentally capable to understand the consequences and are consenting, sex is perfectly fine, go nuts.

Sexual responses are perfectly natural and there is nothing inherently wrong about it.

Back in the day (not now) I used to have much stricter personal ethics. While I saw it as all well and good for everybody to do as they please (as long as they were consenting) I felt that indulging in porn or other overly sexual activities was beneath me. It was the activity of beasts, of primitive urges, and of natural desires. To fall to such a level when I was a civilised man of society was a sign of bowing to your primitive nature, to let the body overcome the mind when the mind should dominate the body.

While I'm not that bad anymore and I accept that natural urges are perfectly fine (even for myself) there's still a stress of never letting the body overcome the mind. You can indulge by all means sure but never lose yourself to your urges.


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## Fat Brian (Jan 19, 2012)

I would definitely say that some therapy is in order, it seems during your very strict personal morals period you borked something important. Sometimes the animal needs to take over for a while to rebalance your life. As long as the animal is released in controlled circumstances the reconnection to the primal self can re-energize the thinking self. Going into rut with your special lady and connecting to the carnal is good for you.

On a side note your post made me think of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awYc9xvqnv0


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## Webmaster (Jan 19, 2012)

Azrael said:


> Back in the day (not now)....




Webmaster wonders what "back in the day" means to a 19-year-old.


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## EvilPrincess (Jan 19, 2012)

Missing a post? Not sure what happened?

This thread recently went through the cleanup process. This means posts from non FA/FFAs and other well meaning individuals were removed. Please no lectures from outsiders. Unless you fall into the FA/FFA category and have something to add to the discussion, please do not post. This is one of those very sensitive topics that can be explored in a good environment or in a un-monitored environment end up being a flaming ball of cookie dough that is being hurled at a barn on fire where all the horses are still trapped. Poor cookies and poor horses. Please follow the guidelines and continue the discussion.


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## chicken legs (Jan 20, 2012)

Azrael said:


> Recently, I went to one of my regular forums for advice which pertains to an FA/FFA issue however I wish to see a second opinion and I figured what better place to get advice about this than to converse with other FAs. So, here it goes.
> 
> My problem is that all women whom I am sexually attracted to (particularly the ones which I just CAN'T SEEM TO IGNORE) I ALSO see as ugly, a type of cognitive disonance.
> 
> ...



A lot of people are attracted to things that are not kosher and are conflicted by it. In this type of situation they are called a "closet fa". The thing is do you want help acting on it or shelving it?


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