# The Divorce/LTR Breakup Thread



## LeoGibson (Sep 10, 2018)

Ok. So I’m currently separated and heading down the road to become divorced. I wanted to open this thread up to others and sharing their experiences as I’ve never broken up with anyone in a Long-Term Relationship (LTR for short) or marriage before.

What are some things you learned? Or wish you had done differently? Or didn’t see coming? I’m also interested in things others have done to move forward past it, dating again as a bhm/bbw after many years inside a relationship, or if they haven’t been able to move past it at all. Really just any thoughts or experiences are welcome. I know relationships that have many years behind them can be tricky to navigate at best of times and really hard to dissolve. So what did y’all do?

I debated putting this in the lounge or main board to open it up, but since I spend most of my time on this board I decided to go with my homies here. Or, those that are still around! 
If one of you mods think this would be better served elsewhere though, then by all means move it accordingly.


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## dwesterny (Sep 11, 2018)

Sorry to hear it, Leo. As far as BHM dating I've met my previous and current girlfriends on feabie. Based on your posts in the old Hyde Park you'd hate that site though. It's extremely left wing sjw territory. I'm a lifelong democrat and liberal and that site is often too much for even me. But it's the best place to find single FFAs. On the other hand your body type with all the muscle would probably mean you could do just fine on mainstream dating sites like okcupid and tinder. But if you can slog through the terribleness there are some good folks you can meet on feabie and Texas has lots of FFAs (of course it's also a huge state). Best of luck!


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## LeoGibson (Sep 11, 2018)

Thanks Dwes. 

I’m mostly Libertarian with some tendencies right and some left but mostly disdainful of politics altogether so yeah. Probably not the place for me. But truth be told, I’m not heading out in the internet dating world any time soon. I’m content with where I’m at right now. 

Thanks for the well wishes. Right now I’m just trying to navigate the waters of ending things.


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## Tad (Sep 11, 2018)

No useful advice, just best wishes on successful navigation -- can be tricky waters for sure.


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## ScreamingChicken (Sep 11, 2018)

I am veteran of two divorces. One marriage lasted 16 years and two children. The second one lasted 3 years and resulted in no children.

*What are some things you learned? *Just because she is the mother of your children and they live with her, doesn't mean she necessarily controls them or you, by extension.
*Or wish you had done differently?* I wish I had been more leery in whom i confided.


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## agouderia (Sep 11, 2018)

Really sorry to hear that Leo! Bon courage - as the French so rightly say - and good luck with everything.

As someone who comes from a family with no less than four generations of divorces - all I can say it depends on your personal situation and perspective.

Is it an unwelcome surprise for you, something you never envisioned and preferred not to happen?
Or is it a relief, even a liberation from a personal situation that no longer made you happy or simply bored you or left you indifferent?
The situation you find yourself in definitely determines how to go about it.

More my extensive observation material I derived the following:

As far as the legal proceedings go - get them over and done with as fast as possible. It's like pulling off a band-aid - one quick jerk hurts less than endless tweaking. 

If children are involved: Be as honest as possible with them in an age appropriate manner - but don't pull them into the proceedings. Remain a father for them, even if the mom gives you a hard time - she doesn't matter any more, but the children will always stay yours. Don't follow the "out of sight - out of mind" pattern way too many fathers still do. 

Do something new for yourself.
That doesn't mean necessarily a new partner right away - it can be a new job, doing something you've always wanted to do and never dared, making a very different new home for yourself, revamping a neglected talent, taking a sabbatical or whatever. 
Something that really means something to you and feels good.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 11, 2018)

Very solid advice Agouderia. Thank you. 

Fortunately, no children involved and it wasn’t a shock. It’s more of a relief as I’m the one more that made this decision. 

I definitely think you’re right on the money SC! 
I can definitely see where watching just who you confide in could be a monumental decision. Thanks for the insight.


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## DragonFly (Sep 12, 2018)

Willie Nelson says it best, you never get over it but you do make it through. 

Something to ponder - even if you are the one to end it, it will be a relief at times, but you may still go through the grieving process. The 5 stages of grief ebb and flow, be aware you may feel angry or sad, lots of things you might think you wouldn’t because you initiated the separation.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 12, 2018)

That’s spot-on. I’ve shook my head a few times because of that very thing. I’d wonder why I’m so damn sad when I’m the one who called for it.


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## ScreamingChicken (Sep 12, 2018)

Another thing I would throw out there is to be careful of social media during the divorce itself. My second divorce was fodder for commentary and all sorts of innuendo by some elements of the community. I heard some really bizarre things like I had left my ex because I lost weight SMH. And rather than asking me a question directly, people were more than happy to go along with whatever gossip they heard. 

Not to mention , some members of the ex's family tried to co-opt the divorce and make it about themselves.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 12, 2018)

I got completely off of all social media a couple months ago. Not just because of this, but it played a part. I’m actually really happy about that decision as I didn’t realize just how much time I wasted everyday on FB and IG. I’ve managed to start reading for pleasure again!!


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## AmyJo1976 (Sep 12, 2018)

All great advice Leo. Never being married, I can't really add much to it. I have been through several failed long-term relationships though and I can say that moving on and not looking back hurts a lot less than pondering on what went wrong or how you could have done things better. And definitely don't be afraid of getting out there and finding love again. I've made that mistake too and now looking back, it was just time lost. Best of luck guy!


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## Lizzie_Jones (Sep 12, 2018)

Give yourself time and gradually you will feel better. It took me 3 years just to get over my last relationship. We were together for 8 ....almost 9 years.


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## DragonFly (Sep 14, 2018)

LeoGibson said:


> That’s spot-on. I’ve shook my head a few times because of that very thing. I’d wonder why I’m so damn sad when I’m the one who called for it.


When I ended a LTR I cried every day for a year. When my guy passed in 2016 I’ve been crying on and off since.... we make it through but never really get over it.


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## AmyJo1976 (Sep 15, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> When I ended a LTR I cried every day for a year. When my guy passed in 2016 I’ve been crying on and off since.... we make it through but never really get over it.


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## agouderia (Sep 15, 2018)

LeoGibson said:


> I’d wonder why I’m so damn sad when I’m the one who called for it.



Sadness is always a part of any major life change when you leave something behind that meant something to you. DragonFly is right about the different stages loss - not only real grief - go through. 
The hard part is finding the balance between allowing the necessary sadness, not running away from it - but also not letting yourself drown in it. From what you've written here Leo, you seem to be finding your new footing quite well - so all the best in continuing on your new path.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 15, 2018)

agouderia said:


> From what you've written here Leo, you seem to be finding your new footing quite well - so all the best in continuing on your new path.



Thank you. I appreciate the kind thoughts. It’s slow going for sure, but it’s going. I’m very thankful to have some really awesome people in my life to be there for me and lend me their ears when I need to get things out.


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## LifelongFA (Sep 19, 2018)

A strong support group that will listen but also be honest with you is key. You also have to be honest with them (and yourself) as well.


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## WVMountainrear (Sep 19, 2018)

I don't have a lot to add here, but I just wanted to chime in with my support. Let yourself feel what you feel. Don't put yourself on any sort of arbitrary timeline for things. Know that there are still wonderful people out there in similar situations to you who will make excellent friends and, when you're ready, love interests. And when you come out on the other side, do it having learned from everything you've been through, be honest with yourself about what you do and don't want in someone to share your life with, and believe you're worthy of finding those things in someone new...because you are.


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## Yakatori (Oct 23, 2018)

ScreamingChicken said:


> _... veteran of *two* divorces...._



Yeesh. Gave me angina, just reading/contemplating it. Made you guys a play-list, lest it seems like I chimed without meaningful contribution.


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## ScreamingChicken (Oct 24, 2018)

Yakatori said:


> Yeesh. Gave me angina, just reading/contemplating it. Made you guys a play-list, lest it seems like I chimed without meaningful contribution.


The first one was pretty nasty. We were married for 16 years and had two kids together. The second one was three years and no children.

I look at them as life lessons. I now have a better idea of who I am, what I want in a partner and what is healthy in a relationship.


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## LeoGibson (Jul 17, 2021)

Well, here I am almost 3 years later and I can finally say, IT IS DONE!!! I got my final decree last week. It took way longer than I figured it would and cost way more than I thought considering we had no kids and zero assets to split. It was, to quote Jerry Garcia, "a long strange trip."

I did learn quite a bit through it and did some things unconventionally, but in the end I had to do them my way and I'm happy to just be over it and moving forward with my life.


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## Ncmomof4 (Jul 18, 2021)

LeoGibson said:


> Well, here I am almost 3 years later and I can finally say, IT IS DONE!!! I got my final decree last week. It took way longer than I figured it would and cost way more than I thought considering we had no kids and zero assets to split. It was, to quote Jerry Garcia, "a long strange trip."
> 
> I did learn quite a bit through it and did some things unconventionally, but in the end I had to do them my way and I'm happy to just be over it and moving forward with my life.




So what is the best advice you could give someone right in the middle of the insanity? What can I do to make it go smoother?


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## agouderia (Jul 18, 2021)

LeoGibson said:


> Well, here I am almost 3 years later and I can finally say, IT IS DONE!!! I got my final decree last week. It took way longer than I figured it would and cost way more than I thought considering we had no kids and zero assets to split. It was, to quote Jerry Garcia, "a long strange trip."
> 
> I did learn quite a bit through it and did some things unconventionally, but in the end I had to do them my way and I'm happy to just be over it and moving forward with my life.



Congratulations Leo! 
Not to be cynical, but I always congratulate friends on finalized, successful or even just survived divorces.
It is a form of closure for a segment of your life, and whether good or bad, it is the end of one thing and should also be seen as the start of something new - so always a reason to celebrate one way or the other.


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## LeoGibson (Jul 18, 2021)

Ncmomof4 said:


> So what is the best advice you could give someone right in the middle of the insanity? What can I do to make it go smoother?



Well, with the caveat that all cases can be different, I think my biggest takeaway is to keep things in perspective. If your former significant other is being difficult and are lashing out, take a breath and understand that it’s just their way of dealing with the hurt of the situation. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior on their part. That’s not what I’m saying, but perhaps is something to keep in mind before being hurtful in return and saying or doing something you might regret later.


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## LeoGibson (Jul 18, 2021)

agouderia said:


> Congratulations Leo!
> Not to be cynical, but I always congratulate friends on finalized, successful or even just survived divorces.
> It is a form of closure for a segment of your life, and whether good or bad, it is the end of one thing and should also be seen as the start of something new - so always a reason to celebrate one way or the other.



Thank you!!!

I don’t think it’s cynical at all. I understand and embrace that sentiment fully. At the end of the day it’s what was necessary and I look forward to what’s ahead and I want the same for her. I wish her a good life and hope she finds exactly what she wants and needs just as I hope the same for myself.


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## Ncmomof4 (Jul 21, 2021)

LeoGibson said:


> Well, with the caveat that all cases can be different, I think my biggest takeaway is to keep things in perspective. If your former significant other is being difficult and are lashing out, take a breath and understand that it’s just their way of dealing with the hurt of the situation. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior on their part. That’s not what I’m saying, but perhaps is something to keep in mind before being hurtful in return and saying or doing something you might regret later.


Thank you! I really needed to hear that. I need to make sure I'm looking at things from another angle as well. And maybe then I will not be as mad at his behavior. I do not want to live my life with feeling of anger.


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## Mel KM (Aug 1, 2021)

I didn’t know exactly how to talk to people here about this, but since this thread is here it seems applicable. Jack and I decided to take a break a couple of weeks ago and I moved out. But I found out some thing s today and I guess we’re not getting back together. I’m not sure if we technically count as having been in a LTR, but it feels like it to me. Now I’m living in this tiny crappy apartment far away from work and friends, all my family is out of state, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I guess I don’t know what to do.


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## littlefairywren (Aug 2, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> I didn’t know exactly how to talk to people here about this, but since this thread is here it seems applicable. Jack and I decided to take a break a couple of weeks ago and I moved out. But I found out some thing s today and I guess we’re not getting back together. I’m not sure if we technically count as having been in a LTR, but it feels like it to me. Now I’m living in this tiny crappy apartment far away from work and friends, all my family is out of state, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I guess I don’t know what to do.



I'm so sorry, honey. I know that feeling, have been through it more than once, and my best advice is to take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, and take as much time as you need to mourn the loss of your relationship. It will get better...just hang in there.


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## Ilegalpat (Aug 2, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> I didn’t know exactly how to talk to people here about this, but since this thread is here it seems applicable. Jack and I decided to take a break a couple of weeks ago and I moved out. But I found out some thing s today and I guess we’re not getting back together. I’m not sure if we technically count as having been in a LTR, but it feels like it to me. Now I’m living in this tiny crappy apartment far away from work and friends, all my family is out of state, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I guess I don’t know what to do.


If you were living together, that should count. Do you have anyone to talk to? How hard would it be to move?


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## Mel KM (Aug 2, 2021)

Ilegalpat said:


> If you were living together, that should count. Do you have anyone to talk to? How hard would it be to move?


It wouldn’t be terribly hard to move. I’m full blooded Comanche and I actually grew up on the res in Throckmorton. I’ve thought of going back there. My mom and brothers live in Oklahoma, which I also considered. I’m not sold on that yet though. I love north Texas, and it’s where my job and my friends are. Things will probably get better once I move closer to work and I won’t have to drive for an hour to see all my friends.


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## Mel KM (Aug 2, 2021)

littlefairywren said:


> I'm so sorry, honey. I know that feeling, have been through it more than once, and my best advice is to take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, and take as much time as you need to mourn the loss of your relationship. It will get better...just hang in there.


Thank you! Everyone on dimensions has been so sweet! I’ll be honest… I was kind of expecting my posts to fly under the radar. But I couldn’t have been more wrong!  It helps so much just knowing people care


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## RVGleason (Aug 2, 2021)

Hi @Mel KM,

I’m sorry this happened to you. Wishing you well and that happiness comes your way again and soon.

Blessings, 

RV


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## dwesterny (Aug 3, 2021)

I was dating a girl from Canada before covid started, I'm in the US right by the border. The border shut March 20th or so of 2020. I had to drive her home in a rush because she was staying at my place when it all happened. We tried to stay together without being able to see each other but between her losing her apartment during covid and having to move 4 hours away with family and all the stress it didn't work. She started seeing someone else a little while back. The border opens next week again for the first time in 18 months but we're not going to see each other.


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## LeoGibson (Aug 4, 2021)

dwesterny said:


> I was dating a girl from Canada before covid started, I'm in the US right by the border. The border shut March 20th or so of 2020. I had to drive her home in a rush because she was staying at my place when it all happened. We tried to stay together without being able to see each other but between her losing her apartment during covid and having to move 4 hours away with family and all the stress it didn't work. She started seeing someone else a little while back. The border opens next week again for the first time in 18 months but we're not going to see each other.



I’m sorry to hear that. Last year was really tough on long distance relationships. My girlfriend lives in Ohio and I’m in Texas but we were able to see each other twice last year and this year things are pretty wide open here where I am. I can only imagine how hard it was for cross border relationships. Hope things get better for you this year!


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## SSBHM (Aug 4, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> Thank you! Everyone on dimensions has been so sweet! I’ll be honest… I was kind of expecting my posts to fly under the radar. But I couldn’t have been more wrong! ❤ It helps so much just knowing people care


I recommend eating cupcakes! They can make you feel better and give you extra energy too!


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## MattB (Aug 4, 2021)

(Casually taking notes...including the cupcake part.)


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## loopytheone (Aug 4, 2021)

dwesterny said:


> I was dating a girl from Canada before covid started, I'm in the US right by the border. The border shut March 20th or so of 2020. I had to drive her home in a rush because she was staying at my place when it all happened. We tried to stay together without being able to see each other but between her losing her apartment during covid and having to move 4 hours away with family and all the stress it didn't work. She started seeing someone else a little while back. The border opens next week again for the first time in 18 months but we're not going to see each other.



I'm really sorry to hear that.


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## wow42 (Aug 5, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> I didn’t know exactly how to talk to people here about this, but since this thread is here it seems applicable. Jack and I decided to take a break a couple of weeks ago and I moved out. But I found out some thing s today and I guess we’re not getting back together. I’m not sure if we technically count as having been in a LTR, but it feels like it to me. Now I’m living in this tiny crappy apartment far away from work and friends, all my family is out of state, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I guess I don’t know what to do.


If you’re still feeling hella down my remedy to a breakup is putting yourself out there! Go window shopping or actual shopping if you can. Sit some where public, like a cafe or library, with headphones and a journal. Don’t stay home, get out if you physically can because those walls can hold so much loneliness. Hope my advice helps  Breakups suck but the world can be a beautiful place for the broken hearted


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 5, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> I didn’t know exactly how to talk to people here about this, but since this thread is here it seems applicable. Jack and I decided to take a break a couple of weeks ago and I moved out. But I found out some thing s today and I guess we’re not getting back together. I’m not sure if we technically count as having been in a LTR, but it feels like it to me. Now I’m living in this tiny crappy apartment far away from work and friends, all my family is out of state, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I guess I don’t know what to do.


One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that break-ups happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason(s) are obvious: he/she cheated, lied repeatedly, stole, drugs, etc. Sometimes the reasons are less discernable. Either way, there are lessons to be learned from every relationship; long-term or short.

Some people will give the advice of “Just get back out there”. I would advise to get yourself time to look at what went wrong (or right) and to decide how and when you “jump back in the pool’ as it were.

While my current relationship is not ending due to anything negative, I still have to consider the entirety of it; what was good (dang near everything!), what was not-so-good (hmm… can’t think of anything off the top of my head), what did I learn (wouldn’t you like to know?), and did I grow from the experience?

This long-winded response is really just my way of saying that it’s okay to take the time to take stock of yourself and your recent break up before venturing forward in life. Chances are things will fall into place for you soon. I wish you the very best!


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## Mel KM (Sep 3, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that break-ups happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason(s) are obvious: he/she cheated, lied repeatedly, stole, drugs, etc. Sometimes the reasons are less discernable. Either way, there are lessons to be learned from every relationship; long-term or short.
> 
> Some people will give the advice of “Just get back out there”. I would advise to get yourself time to look at what went wrong (or right) and to decide how and when you “jump back in the pool’ as it were.
> 
> ...



Thank you! I wasn’t expecting all the support I’ve seen here on dims. Good thing that came out of this is that I got involved here, and I may never have if I hadn’t been in that relationship in the first place.

Part of what makes this difficult, is that the breakup happened so suddenly. We were realizing we wanted different things out of life and decided to separate for a while. I did NOT think we were breaking up. Then I found out he was looking for someone else, and I realized he must be looking at this separation differently than me. I fully expected us to take a few months… maybe a year, sort things out and then I’d move back in and we’d resume where we left off, even if our life goals had changed. It was just a kick in the gut. I still feel like I can’t get my head around it. But I guess that’s how most people feel after a break up.


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## Sonic Purity (Sep 3, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> It was just a kick in the gut. I still feel like I can’t get my head around it. But I guess that’s how most people feel after a break up.


Yyyyyeeep. Especially if either or both (or all) involved are blindsided.

Very Best Healing Wishes to you, Jack, and anyone else going through this.
Delighted that you’re still here, posting.


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## BigElectricKat (Sep 3, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> Good thing that came out of this is that I got involved here, and I may never have if I hadn’t been in that relationship in the first place.


And we are all so happy that you did!


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## Tad (Sep 3, 2021)

Mel KM said:


> Thank you! I wasn’t expecting all the support I’ve seen here on dims. Good thing that came out of this is that I got involved here, and I may never have if I hadn’t been in that relationship in the first place.
> 
> ...... It was just a kick in the gut. I still feel like I can’t get my head around it. But I guess that’s how most people feel after a break up.



I'm glad you are able to see a silver lining, even after a blow like this. Sorry that things unraveled so fast.


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## JackCivelli (Sep 15, 2021)

I’m feeling it too. Loneliness sucks.
I don’t want to sound like I’m speaking out of turn here or over sharing the situation, but Mel and I have talked and there are no hard feelings. I was definitely too hasty in rejoining FF and Feabie as quickly as I did. I thought the community atmosphere might help me feel better, but it also sent the wrong message, too. Sorry. I was 100% the asshole


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## Mel KM (Sep 17, 2021)

JackCivelli said:


> I’m feeling it too. Loneliness sucks.
> I don’t want to sound like I’m speaking out of turn here or over sharing the situation, but Mel and I have talked and there are no hard feelings. I was definitely too hasty in rejoining FF and Feabie as quickly as I did. I thought the community atmosphere might help me feel better, but it also sent the wrong message, too. Sorry. I was 100% the asshole


No, it’s ok. I said we were taking a break without setting any ground rules. We went about seeking comfort in different ways. You’re not an asshole


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