# Sure signs that he's not what he says he is



## superodalisque (May 6, 2010)

internet dating is tough--especially for the uninitiated. sometimes people are married. sometimes they are closeted. sometimes they just yank a BBWs chain generally. what are some hints and clues you've heard to help people to avoid the pitfalls of internet dating? are there some dead giveaways that he isn't single or employed etc... if its happened to you or friends you now lets hear it. maybe it can help somebody. i guess this is the dims version of "don't date him girl!" with no names of course!


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## Tau (May 6, 2010)

This might not strictly adhere to what you've asked SuperO but this is how I weed out the rubbish:
Men who ask for money
Men who want to know if you can give birth to several million babies *shudders*
Men who call you sweety, baby and never by your name - they haven't actually read anything you've written and you are one of thousands
Men obsessed with body parts - yuck. Men who feel they can ask for pics of your boobs, ass, arms, tummy, thighs - whatever - big no no
Men who keep asking if you look like so and so from X website. Really bitch, really??!!!
Men who have pics of celebrities as their profile pics - sooooo embarrasing!
Men who write in sms talk all the time
Men who say things like swag and shorty all the time ahahaha!
I've yet to be lured in by a married dude so sorry, haven't picked up any warning signs on that, but the total loser warning signs are above!!


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## spiritangel (May 6, 2010)

men who are newly "sepperated" or in complicated relationships


take your time get to know someone over a few months rather than meeting them 5 minutes later if they are not being genuine you will see the cracks start to show at some point and there will be inconsistencies 

TRUST YOUR GUT!! Cannot stress this enough if you get an uneasy feeling just from their pic or talking to them stop talking to them that feeling is there for a reason!

Any guy who asks to see you naked or if you have naked pics really is only after one thing

A guy who comes on very strong from the start is often to good to be true

when your comfortable with someone, video chat where you can (clothed lol and not for cyber sex) but because a good way to get to know someone is to watch their face and expressions while they talk 

and again take your time if it is something worth having it is worth the wait and if its not then you will have wasted a little time making a new friend


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## indy500tchr (May 6, 2010)

1.men who don't want to give you their number but want yours.
1b. men who call you and their number comes up private or unknown

2. men who want you to come visit them first (means they have no car)

3. when you call you always get his vmail and then he calls you back (means he is married...I've experienced this firsthand)

4. the "only" pics they have of themselves are like 10 years old.

5. men who want to come to your place but never go out anywhere (major closet case)


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## LisaInNC (May 6, 2010)

I love the men who claim to have an "open" marriage or seperated but living together till the house sells, but refuse to give you their wife's number for verification. Which is always very weird cause the wife is always dating someone else.


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## Dolce (May 6, 2010)

He says he's a vegetarian yet you find empty salami packets under his bed.


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## siegfried563 (May 6, 2010)

hey odalisque  long time no see! I'd just like to say my female friends tell me about stuff like this all the time, but it DOES go both ways, ive met quite a few women, some from this forum, who never tell yout heyre married or have a bf until theyre done screwing around with you. Just saying lol.

josh 

p.s. hope u remember me lol, im the artist from toronto XD


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## OneWickedAngel (May 6, 2010)

Men who can't be so bothered to contact you by writing a message, but instead use those annoying "flirt" and "Wink" automated messages. "LazyA sent you a kiss", "Mr.B thinks you're hot." 

Men whose username is a sexual reference. "dckslmmr", "longandthick4U"

Men who ask a question, to which you reply with a thoughtful two paragraph answer, and his entire response to yours is monosyllabic. 

Men from another country, hell another hemisphere, whose first contact with you is to let you know they will be in your city on X date and wants to know can they get together with you.

Men who don't even try to write in full sentences.

Men who spell your name/username incorrectly several times when it is written RIGHT THERE in front of them. 

Men who can't be bothered to use a spell/grammar check.


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## superodalisque (May 6, 2010)

siegfried563 said:


> hey odalisque  long time no see! I'd just like to say my female friends tell me about stuff like this all the time, but it DOES go both ways, ive met quite a few women, some from this forum, who never tell yout heyre married or have a bf until theyre done screwing around with you. Just saying lol.
> 
> josh
> 
> p.s. hope u remember me lol, im the artist from toronto XD



ltns! good to cyu again. yeah it does go both ways. we know that. but we have no way of knowing about that for the most part unless we are dating women. i'm sure our lesbian and bi sisters will clue us in. we're not trying to bash anyone, just protect each other. i think the FA thread should carry the same thing for the newbies to this stuff. it doesn't hurt to have a idea of what to look for. ty for taking a look in.


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## truebebeblue (May 6, 2010)

Has roommate(s) so hanging out at his place is not possible "no privacy"-closeted or attached

Idea of a first date is watching a movie at your place
(this is an obvious booty call) but could also mean he is closeted or
cheap.

Wants to talk about sex right off... yes you will naturally get to that eventually but it seems once it goes there.. it usually stays there.

Disappears abruptly during IM conversations.... girlfriend/wife around or just rude! 



True


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## thatgirl08 (May 7, 2010)

I've found a good rule of thumb is to basically ignore anyone that isn't forthcoming with information. It doesn't have to be super specific, but if he's overly vague about where he lives, what he does for a living (or generally in my case.. what his major is/where he goes to school), etc. it's just suspicious.. it usually means he's lying or doesn't actually give a shit about getting to know you and just wants sex.. which is cool if that's what you're looking for but super uncool if it's not.


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## Lamia (May 7, 2010)

It's important that they're open and offer information. They should be coming to see you. 

I will say I drove to meet a number of guys...could have been dangerous. So be careful I was lucky.


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## spiritangel (May 7, 2010)

is why I always think meeting in a public place is a good option, and letting at least two people know where you are going and having your mobile on as well!!


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## Tina (May 7, 2010)

Dolce said:


> He says he's a vegetarian yet you find empty salami packets under his bed.


It's possible he didn't bring that salami to bed to eat it. Just sayin.'


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## OneWickedAngel (May 7, 2010)

Tina said:


> It's possible he didn't bring that salami to bed to eat it. Just sayin.'



HAHAHAHAHAH! But seriously eeewwwww!


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## Dolce (May 7, 2010)

Tina said:


> It's possible he didn't bring that salami to bed to eat it. Just sayin.'



You're being naughty! LOL This whole thread should now be moved to the sexuality forum.


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## Dr. Feelgood (May 7, 2010)

Dolce said:


> He says he's a vegetarian yet you find empty salami packets under his bed.



That's got to be the wurst.


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## superodalisque (May 7, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> That's got to be the wurst.



oh no you didn't!


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## Cece Larue (May 7, 2010)

If his story is _ALWAYS_ changing... never a good sign.


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## Dolce (May 7, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> That's got to be the wurst.



Don't be such a brat..


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## BigBeautifulMe (May 8, 2010)

Great thread.


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## Leonard (May 8, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> That's got to be the wurst.





Dolce said:


> Don't be such a brat..


You two are a couple of sausages!


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## succubus_dxb (May 8, 2010)

Leonard said:


> You two are a couple of sausages!



sure, but there can only be one weiner in this battle of wits.....


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## Dolce (May 8, 2010)

succubus_dxb said:


> sure, but there can only be one weiner in this battle of wits.....



I'm the wiener! You can't outwit the wiener!


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## Jes (May 8, 2010)

If he's always saying he's 'in transition' or that he's 'about to get a divorce.'

A few years ago I was contacted by a guy through an ad. His profile stated he was 'in transition' (moving away from home). Note that he was in his 30s. Anyway, that shit was 'just around the corner' according to him.

Only, I was speaking with a woman at Dims and we realized we'd been approached by the same guy. For her, it was 2 years before. And his profile read 'in transition' then, too.

'Just around the corner' my fat, black ass.

Oh, and there's a Dims guy who was telling me he'd 'be divorced within 3 months, promise!' and that was...2 years ago? More? He was staying for his 2 little boys, but I think they're probably about 30 right now.  haha.

There seems to be something about me not being at all interested in these guys that makes them lie all the more. You'd think it'd be the other way around, but I think that they're lying to themselves most of all, and so it doesn't matter if you are into them or not.


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## Mystic Rain (May 8, 2010)

truebebeblue said:


> *Disappears abruptly during IM conversations*.... girlfriend/wife around or just rude!



I have this happen to me a _lot_. So I am sympathetic to anyone else it happens to. It really makes you wonder if there's something wrong with yourself. I know it does me.


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## Sweet Tooth (May 9, 2010)

The whole "separated" thing is bulls***, IMO. Call me old fashioned, but if you're not free, then you're not free. How hard is it to wait until your divorce papers are finalized to stick your dick in someone else? Jeez, stock up on some KY and Kleenex.  A guy who can't wait... well... he's not going to have self-control at other times, is my guess.

Okay, here are some of mine:
+ If he has a very normal, getting to know you sort of conversation, but then out of the blue, he mentions his 12 inch penis. Um, yeah, great, but it really isn't a deciding factor at this point in my life.

+ When he makes it like's after something serious in life but then keeps saying he "goes after what he wants"... and you realize this is his version of telling you he wants to hook up because he's attracted and doesn't really want the whole PITA issue of actually getting to know you first. [Um, so what happens if we're dating and you decide you want the neighbor lady? Will you just go after it then? You let nothing stop you? Uh... buhbye.]

+ He keeps you on a schedule. Don't laugh! Seriously, I know some men who do this. They get you used to their "availability" to talk, because of all the stuff they have to do, so you start thinking that they're just super busy guys and you don't realize at first that what they're so busy doing is engaging with other women during those time slots. I've had guys do this where you notice they're free to talk on certain days or at certain times of the day [ie on the way home from work, very late at night]. Now, I have a crazy schedule, too, but there are only a few times that are rigid like when I'm in class... although I might try to call back or text back on a break.

+ He says he told you about something, and he didn't... and you realize he can't keep his conversations straight because there are too many.

+ When he's with you, he has a lot of phone calls or texts that he looks at and hits ignore. What's worse is when you can see the name on the screen, and it's not his mama. It's even worse when, over the course of the weekend, you see a lot of different names. That feels like a kick in the gut. If there's nothing to hide, a good female friend won't mind you taking her call and saying, "So and so is here, so can I call you later?" If it's not just friends, that's the only time to hit ignore... unless the women are crazy stalker types, of course.

+ Sometimes, it just feels like a "line". I've had guys in chat PM me like crazy, basically stop talking to me, and then PM me a month or two later with the same stuff. I call them on it, they get pissy because they got caught, and I have yet another one to ignore and roll eyes at.

+ And I'm totally with the walking away from an IM conversation thing. I know people multitask. I certainly do it. But if he's engaged in the conversation, chances are he won't just leave without saying something. Sure, I've had IM up where I've forgotten it was on and came back to people thinking I was ignoring them. And I've had to step away for a minute, got distracted by a phone call or something... whatever... but when I stepped away, generally, I said something. When they just leave, that's not good.

+ If he says he lives with his sister and her kids so he can "help them out" because of her ex who did her wrong and left her in a bad financial situation... but won't invite you over to the house... run far.


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## Tracii (May 9, 2010)

Great thread I vote all of the above!!
Great tips all of them.
My peev is the guy that just meets you and he wants you to leave your guy for him.
I'm up front and tell them I have a BF but some just don't listen or don't care.


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## Lovelyone (May 10, 2010)

ohhhh I've got a few.

1. Guy whom you are dating doesn't want you to tell anyone in chat that you are seeing one another cos, "There's a gal in there who REALLY likes me and I don't want to hurt her feelings by having her find out second hand that I am not single anymore." (yeah...sure. He doesn't want all the women that he's chatting/dating to find out about one another) 

2. Same guy above mentions said woman's name several times in conversation and points out women in public who resemble her only to THEN pretend that he doesn't remember her name when you bust him on it.

3. Same guy above tells you that he "can have any web model he wants--in bed, within 15 minutes of chatting with them." (yeah right...my thought was "so why aren't you with them right now?") 

4. He tells you that he's gong to come spend some time with you next weekend, then he cancels cos "his mom got sick, work called, his car broke down, etc..." and then you see him in a gallery of pics at a dance that was held on the weekend that he couldn't come to see you on. 

5. Same guy says, "wanna go to *insert city here* next weekend?" then calls you tell you that he can't take you that weekend cos one of his "good lady-friends was beaten up by her boyfriend and he is going to take HER to the city as a getaway-from-her-boyfriend-weekend". THEN...when you actually DO go to that city with him and you ask him if he brought that woman to the same places that he was bringing you...he denies that he EVER said he was coming to that city with her in the first place, tells you that conversation never happened, tries to make you feel as if you are remembering something that didn't happen. (or denies that he ever mentioned that woman to you in the first place).

6. long intermittent gaps in conversation, him using smileys to answer you ALL the time cos he is too busy typing to someone else. Yes guys, we KNOW that is what you are doing. Please don't think we are THAT gullible and say things like "Sorry I am so slow, I suck at the computer" 

7. when a guy says he is single, turns on his cam to chat with you and then all of a sudden signs out without warning only to come back several hours later to say that he was "booted offline"...in my experience it is cos his wife/gf/bf/roommate has come home early from work and he doesn't want to be caught cheating.

8. I can't stand picture collectors. He asks, "Got anymore pics?" But yet he doesn't share any with you.

9. That guy who tells you that you are his dream woman, stalks you on the internet, you try to be polite and tell him you are not interested and then he bad mouths you to the ONE woman who did say yes to him, so that she in turn can tell everyone in chat that YOU are a whore. 

10. This guy..."I am widower with one childrens. I loss my wife in a car/plane/boat/ferry/hot air balloon/UFO crash and I need you to be my new wife. You are my beautiful angle. Please talks to me. I live in Nigeria/Albania/Egypt/your neighborhood/the U.S. on a visa, blah blah blah...my IM addy is [email protected]_got_screwed dotcom " 

Some of these things happened with one man I met in the dims chat room. You've got to be careful whom you trust, that is for sure.


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## CastingPearls (May 11, 2010)

Lovelyone said:


> ohhhh I've got a few.
> 
> 1. Guy whom you are dating doesn't want you to tell anyone in chat that you are seeing one another cos, "There's a gal in there who REALLY likes me and I don't want to hurt her feelings by having her find out second hand that I am not single anymore." (yeah...sure. He doesn't want all the women that he's chatting/dating to find out about one another)
> 
> ...


#10----OMG I think some of those same guys contacted me. Did any request you help fund their agricultural project, oh and a visa/green card?


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## Tracyarts (May 11, 2010)

In reading this thread, I noticed that there are several things I do myself and would be really taken aback if a man thought it meant I was up to no good. 

" When he's with you, he has a lot of phone calls or texts that he looks at and hits ignore. "

I am so totally guilty of that. As is my boyfriend. The way we see it is that unless we are expecting an important call or text from somebody, or know that the person calling or texting us only does so when it's important, we ignore them. We're spending time *together*, so everybody else can just wait until we get back to them later on. No matter what their gender happens to be, they can deal with it all the same; whether they have a penis or vagina is irrelevant.

Tracy


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## Sweet Tooth (May 11, 2010)

Tracyarts said:


> In reading this thread, I noticed that there are several things I do myself and would be really taken aback if a man thought it meant I was up to no good.
> 
> " When he's with you, he has a lot of phone calls or texts that he looks at and hits ignore. "
> 
> ...



Believe it or not, I do get that. I have a Blackberry so a lot of my email and Facebook updates show up on my phone. Not everything requires a response or acknowledgement. But when someone is only hitting ignore for certain people or when you see names on a screen that are of people you're told they don't talk to much if at all or when there are new names popping up that aren't family members or friends or whatever...those are some signs, especially if it's a pattern. Not everything is a lie but some things are, and a wise person takes certain things with a good dose of caution.


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## spiritangel (May 11, 2010)

well I have been super fussy and nixed people superfast

one guy two conversations only and he couldnt remember what we had talked about what the, and he always had to go rather suddenly so erm I deleted him from my yahoo and that is that lol

I mean seriously less than 24hrs and he used the same cheesy cant believe your single your gorgeous kinda line more than once I might add 

hmm mayby I am just being far to fussy??


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## BigBeautifulMe (May 11, 2010)

Spirit, I've found that whenever I wonder that and readd them I always realize in the very next conversation that I was right the first time and redelete them. Go with your instincts. They're always right!


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## Weeze (May 11, 2010)

Facebook, ladies, facebook! The dumb ones are always the easiest to catch on there. E-mail, Screen name, real name, CELL PHONE NUMBER... pop it into search and almost all the time I get a profile. Liars on here are generally bad at it.


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## superodalisque (May 11, 2010)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Spirit, I've found that whenever I wonder that and readd them I always realize in the very next conversation that I was right the first time and redelete them. Go with your instincts. They're always right!



yeah i think its your guts more than anything that tell you


i'll add a few of mine:


calls you someone else's name--kinda irrefutable lol


never want you to see them on cam-- usually this is a really old dude as in 80 or something. absolutely nothing wrong with an old guy if he's honest and you really like him but pretending to be younger is a definite no no.


someone from out of town who only wants to IM you to go out for drinks in case he happens to be in your town and has no contact with you otherwise.


someone who claims to be so interested, has all of your contact information, but has nothing to do with you other than online


always an excuse about why they can't meet you in person



rule of thumb: if you've never met him in the flesh on neutral ground (meaning non community related) it should be as if you don't know him at all--cause you really don't.


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## NoWayOut (May 11, 2010)

Sweet Tooth said:


> + He keeps you on a schedule. Don't laugh! Seriously, I know some men who do this. They get you used to their "availability" to talk, because of all the stuff they have to do, so you start thinking that they're just super busy guys and you don't realize at first that what they're so busy doing is engaging with other women during those time slots. I've had guys do this where you notice they're free to talk on certain days or at certain times of the day [ie on the way home from work, very late at night]. Now, I have a crazy schedule, too, but there are only a few times that are rigid like when I'm in class... although I might try to call back or text back on a break.



Well, I did that because I had to with my job's structure. I get off work at midnight, and I can't get in a long conversation at work. I can text, but I can't talk before 12:15 a.m. on nights I have to work.

You aren't wrong to be suspicious. But for some men, it's legitimate.


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## Tracyarts (May 11, 2010)

" But when someone is only hitting ignore for certain people or when you see names on a screen that are of people you're told they don't talk to much if at all or when there are new names popping up that aren't family members or friends or whatever...those are some signs, especially if it's a pattern. "

We don't look at each other's phone screens or ask "who was that?" We just don't see a need to be all up in each other's business like that. 

Tracy


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## Sweet Tooth (May 11, 2010)

Tracyarts said:


> " But when someone is only hitting ignore for certain people or when you see names on a screen that are of people you're told they don't talk to much if at all or when there are new names popping up that aren't family members or friends or whatever...those are some signs, especially if it's a pattern. "
> 
> We don't look at each other's phone screens or ask "who was that?" We just don't see a need to be all up in each other's business like that.
> 
> Tracy



You're making assumptions about things happening purposefully or with intent of being nosy. Sometimes things happen. Some things, one just finds out and then has to figure out what to do with the information, innocuous or not.

Perhaps we have different takes on what business someone else's life is if they're in your life. I have a right to know what's in my world if it's going to affect me, to make informed choices for my life. If someone else's duplicity is, say, exposing me to a risk of STDs, I have a right to know what they're doing [in a general way] so I can protect myself and decide if I want to continue with them or not.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 11, 2010)

*A guy my age that brags about having his own place - like it's something new 

*he says he had kids but can't really tell you much of how they are doing and never seems to take any time to see them

*he likes to play the 'picture exchange game"- telling you that he is willing to send you 1 - 2 pics of himself if you are willing to send him many- even though he's already seen 4 or more of you and has shown none of himself. 

*he thinks his double talk is clever

*he doesn't mind harassing you for something...even goes far enough to imply or outright say you owe it to him......the elusive part being why you would owe him jack


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## Weeze (May 12, 2010)

I love how guys are in here defending themselves.


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## Tracyarts (May 12, 2010)

" If someone else's duplicity is, say, exposing me to a risk of STDs, I have a right to know what they're doing [in a general way] so I can protect myself and decide if I want to continue with them or not. "

Why would you be with somebody you couldn't trust?

Tracy


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## CastingPearls (May 12, 2010)

Uh...so you live in your mom's basement?

Well, yeah but I have my own entrance.

Really. Bilco doors do not an entrance make. 

Technically my mother lives with me.

Really. Who's name is on the mortgage?

Fat bitch.

Who you just wanted to screw 30 seconds ago.


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## superodalisque (May 12, 2010)

Tracyarts said:


> " If someone else's duplicity is, say, exposing me to a risk of STDs, I have a right to know what they're doing [in a general way] so I can protect myself and decide if I want to continue with them or not. "
> 
> Why would you be with somebody you couldn't trust?
> 
> Tracy



i agree. a person's life is too important to deal in questionables


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## spiritangel (May 12, 2010)

OMG I just got accused of being a gold digger because I asked a guy what he did for a living 

grr I shut the window so dont have the response it went something like

well its obvious you preffer money over dick (I kid you not) and he is like its obvious your poor I am like wow sure sign hes a jerk or what

and now this
Himif i told u my situation u probably wouldnt even understand me and u would think im stupid am i right?
me: no actually I would listen and probably ask questions but your attitude tells me far more than you will ever know
him: what attitude? this isnt my attitude 24/7, im just saying that u probably not interested in a jobless guy who has a mental condition and is getting a welfare check every month am i right?
him: yeah thought so...


dont care about that stuff its the mega attitude that comes with it, money has never been important to me but if you have attitude like that I dont wanna deal with it and the things he said he makes canadians look soo bad thank god I never judge a country on one person and because I blocked him on yahoo and diddnt want to argue with him he sent me this on fb sure sign he isnt worth my time or energy

yeah thought so, ur face is quality but ur character is shit

all that from a very brief conversation because I wouldnt stick it out to be verbally abused? and blocked him wow amazing 

thank god I dont have low self esteem I would hate for some chick to get sucked into that void of negativity and wow at how full on he was in such a short space of time


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## superodalisque (May 12, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> OMG I just got accused of being a gold digger because I asked a guy what he did for a living
> 
> grr I shut the window so dont have the response it went something like
> 
> ...



yeah isn't it freaking amazing the things people will say outright. they aren't even sneaky about it. maybe we should start posting some of the crazy things we get in IM over yahoo or something on the main board just so the guys can see what we really go through.. most of them really have no clue how bad it really is tg!


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## CastingPearls (May 12, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> OMG I just got accused of being a gold digger because I asked a guy what he did for a living
> 
> grr I shut the window so dont have the response it went something like
> 
> ...


Defensiveness/paranoia is SO masculine, isn't it?

I cringe whenever I hear/read a man start to explain his 'situation'. Loser.


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## Jes (May 12, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> OMG I just got accused of being a gold digger because I asked a guy what he did for a living



I once talked on the phone to a guy (personals site) who asked me if I was materialistic. I...wasn't sure how to answer that. I mean, I am, and I'm not, depending on the thing, right? I don't need the latest gadget, but it's not like I'm going to strip off my cloak, throw it at my father, and take off to live the monastic life like St. Francis. But, of course, when you're meeting someone new, with a mind toward dating, I believe you should put your best foot forward and try not to assume the other person thinks like you do.

So I said: Well... I'm not a person who is status-driven, but I do like to do certain things that may cost a lot of money. That's why I work hard, so that I can take a vacation, or buy myself tickets to a show. But I don't spend JUST to spend. But I know everyone views money differently.

And then loser says: Oh, because so many people just want to spend money all the time. Like getting coffee from a coffeeshop! You can make it at home for a quarter! Why would you go outside and pay $2??

uh... Well, FIRST, Crazy, because it's an outing and nice and hardly going to break the bank, but second, and more important, we're talking about getting together for a potential date. I think $2 is getting off cheap. I won't even ask you to pay my way!

This was, of course, the same guy who droned into the phone: I'll bet you're the kind of woman who* wouldn't want our first meeting to be at my apartment, right?

Uh, what kind of woman is that? EVERY woman? Every woman with a brain? 


*NOTE: this is NOT a good thing to say to a woman. No matter what you put after it, it's not gonna end well! I promise you that!


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## CastingPearls (May 12, 2010)

Jes said:


> I once talked on the phone to a guy (personals site) who asked me if I was materialistic. I...wasn't sure how to answer that. I mean, I am, and I'm not, depending on the thing, right? I don't need the latest gadget, but it's not like I'm going to strip off my cloak, throw it at my father, and take off to live the monastic life like St. Francis. But, of course, when you're meeting someone new, with a mind toward dating, I believe you should put your best foot forward and try not to assume the other person thinks like you do.
> 
> So I said: Well... I'm not a person who is status-driven, but I do like to do certain things that may cost a lot of money. That's why I work hard, so that I can take a vacation, or buy myself tickets to a show. But I don't spend JUST to spend. But I know everyone views money differently.
> 
> ...


I don't care what it sounds like. I'm honest. I come right out and say I'm expensive.


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## superodalisque (May 12, 2010)

why is it so bad for a fat woman to look for an accomplished guy anyway. whether he has money or not you'd like to be able to respect somebody's brain and work ethic. guys who aren't accomplished tend to have a certain mentality i don't want to deal with. it has nothing to do with cash.


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## Jes (May 12, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I don't care what it sounds like. I'm honest. I come right out and say I'm expensive.



yeah, but that's you. I'm not expensive. Not in the least. And certainly not to other people. It's not dishonest to be aware that one unthinking slip of the tongue (the sort of thing you'd say to a friend who already knows you) might affect a first impression. For example, those that know me wouldn't be surprised to hear me say: All Republicans are morons. But would I say that to someone I've just met? No. I get that you would say that, or something like it, and you should if that's what you want to do.


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## Jes (May 12, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> why is it so bad for a fat woman to look for an accomplished guy anyway. whether he has money or not you'd like to be able to respect somebody's brain and work ethic. guys who aren't accomplished tend to have a certain mentality i don't want to deal with. it has nothing to do with cash.



Exactly. This guy was broke because, in part, he'd hurt his foot and couldn't walk to work. He wouldn't look for another job OR move out of his 4th floor walk-up apt. His friends had taken to bringing him food and such, but after 'about a year' they'd all dropped off. Gee, you don't say. You do nothing to improve your situation but you are surprised when friends grow weary after A YEAR of helping you?! WHen I asked him if there was hope for his foot, he said that he'd stopped going to physical therapy not long after he started because, and I quote: those doctors don't know anything.

*sigh* Yeah. I think I have a lot of negativity toward him because he was this poster child for all of the things I find unattractive about people and I was shocked that he wasn't even aware of how he came across (or perhaps he was, but was unwilling to take the feelings of anyone else into account).


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## CastingPearls (May 12, 2010)

Jes said:


> yeah, but that's you. I'm not expensive. Not in the least. And certainly not to other people. It's not dishonest to be aware that one unthinking slip of the tongue (the sort of thing you'd say to a friend who already knows you) might affect a first impression. For example, those that know me wouldn't be surprised to hear me say: All Republicans are morons. But would I say that to someone I've just met? No. I get that you would say that, or something like it, and you should if that's what you want to do.


Agreed it's not in the least bit dishonest to think that way. I know that I could not be with someone who couldn't afford to treat me the way I like and in my case I don't believe it would ever work otherwise. That's not to say I won't make concessions for a hard-working man. I think what I find repulsive and therefore avoid is lazy, cheap, stingy, unmotivated or unambitious men.


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## TraciJo67 (May 12, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Agreed it's not in the least bit dishonest to think that way. I know that I could not be with someone who couldn't afford to treat me the way I like and in my case I don't believe it would ever work otherwise. That's not to say I won't make concessions for a hard-working man. I think what I find repulsive and therefore avoid is lazy, cheap, stingy, unmotivated or unambitious men.


 
Wouldn't it make more sense to treat YOURSELF to the things that you like? That way, you don't have to rely on anyone else to do it for you. I'm more than capable of meeting my own needs, but I wouldn't want to pick up the slack for anyone else. Most men, I'd assume, feel the same way that I do.


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## CastingPearls (May 12, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> Wouldn't it make more sense to treat YOURSELF to the things that you like? That way, you don't have to rely on anyone else to do it for you. I'm more than capable of meeting my own needs, but I wouldn't want to pick up the slack for anyone else. Most men, I'd assume, feel the same way that I do.


And I do. Reliance isn't an issue with me, although you make a valid point. There are many men who like to pamper women and don't view it as picking up the slack. It's a matter of perception and preference.


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## Weeze (May 12, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> why is it so bad for a fat woman to look for an accomplished guy anyway. whether he has money or not you'd like to be able to respect somebody's brain and work ethic. guys who aren't accomplished tend to have a certain mentality i don't want to deal with. it has nothing to do with cash.



I agree with this very, very much. My age range is a little too young to be accomplished... But I'm not really into a guy that's content with making 10 bucks an hour for the rest of his life. Home Depot is not an appropriate life plan for someone I'm interested in. I don't mean to sound like a brat, but i want someone that aims a little higher. Is that bad?


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## superodalisque (May 12, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> And I do. Reliance isn't an issue with me, although you make a valid point. There are many men who like to pamper women and don't view it as picking up the slack. It's a matter of perception and preference.



i like a guy who is generous and not always eating the sour grapes because he can't afford to be. it shouldn't make me a bad person because he isn't where he wants to be financially. i don't have to have anything valuable but its nice if a guy has enough financial freedom that he can spoil you if he wants to. i like reciprocating as well. its a nice part of a romantic relationship to occasionally do something nice for each other that might require spending money. i also think that being an SSBBW makes it much harder on a practical level to always do things on the cheap. being able to afford parking closer etc... can't be under counted, and its not free.


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## superodalisque (May 12, 2010)

Jes said:


> Exactly. This guy was broke because, in part, he'd hurt his foot and couldn't walk to work. He wouldn't look for another job OR move out of his 4th floor walk-up apt. His friends had taken to bringing him food and such, but after 'about a year' they'd all dropped off. Gee, you don't say. You do nothing to improve your situation but you are surprised when friends grow weary after A YEAR of helping you?! WHen I asked him if there was hope for his foot, he said that he'd stopped going to physical therapy not long after he started because, and I quote: those doctors don't know anything.
> 
> *sigh* Yeah. I think I have a lot of negativity toward him because he was this poster child for all of the things I find unattractive about people and I was shocked that he wasn't even aware of how he came across (or perhaps he was, but was unwilling to take the feelings of anyone else into account).



yeah, who wants to take up with a selfish oaf?


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## CastingPearls (May 12, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> i like a guy who is generous and not always eating the sour grapes because he can't afford to be. it shouldn't make me a bad person because he isn't where he wants to be financially. i don't have to have anything valuable but its nice if a guy has enough financial freedom that he can spoil you if he wants to. i like reciprocating as well. its a nice part of a romantic relationship to occasionally do something nice for each other that might require spending money. i also think that being an SSBBW makes it much harder on a practical level to always do things on the cheap. being able to afford parking closer etc... can't be under counted, and its not free.


Everyone has preferences for characteristics in a person they're attracted to or desire a relationship with. I admire accomplished people. I admire established people, male and female. I also admire hard-working people who don't give up and are positive and upbeat. 

For me, safety, (physical and financial) is a desirable component I'm not flexible with insomuch as while I can and do take measures to insure it for myself, also require it from a partner because he can detract from my own efforts. Yes, I'm aware that injury, illness, accidents and acts of God can wipe it all out anyway but I'd prefer to have better odds in my favor. I bring plenty to the table as well and deserve who I consider the best. What works for me may not necessarily work for any of you. I don't judge your preferences. I'm not mercenary, just realistic.


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## Weeze (May 12, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> Wouldn't it make more sense to treat YOURSELF to the things that you like? That way, you don't have to rely on anyone else to do it for you. I'm more than capable of meeting my own needs, but I wouldn't want to pick up the slack for anyone else. Most men, I'd assume, feel the same way that I do.



It says I can't rep you. But yeah... this is pretty much what keeps me going sometimes.


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## ashmamma84 (May 12, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> Wouldn't it make more sense to treat YOURSELF to the things that you like? That way, you don't have to rely on anyone else to do it for you. I'm more than capable of meeting my own needs, but I wouldn't want to pick up the slack for anyone else. Most men, I'd assume, feel the same way that I do.



Yeah I agree with this. 

I used to have a close friend who would always say she had to have this and had to have that -- whatever designer/label was in that year. Girlfriend didn't have a degree or any career to speak of! So I politely asked why she thought a man (or anyone for that matter) wanted a charity case? You want a man who's gainfully employed but you don't have to nickels to rub together?! She really felt like men who couldn't give her the finer things in life were somehow losers or not dateable, yet couldn't understand why the men she wanted to get to know (based on their pockets) didn't really want her back. Uh...it's called creating a life for yourself, boo. Get real. 


And it could just be me, but I like knowing I make my own living and I can buy my own ice or car or house or whatever else it is I want. I'm not dependent on another person for that kind of stability. 

ETA - being spoiled/pampered is nice. My partner spoils me absolutely rotten. But it's not just because she can afford to financially. Emotionally/spiritually she really gives of herself and that's what I consider to be the most important. She's selfless and thoughtful and not a day goes by that I know I'm cared for, adored and truly loved. 

*sings* I love her cause she got her own!


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## spiritangel (May 12, 2010)

ashmamma84 said:


> ETA - being spoiled/pampered is nice. My partner spoils me absolutely rotten. But it's not just because she can afford to financially. Emotionally/spiritually she really gives of herself and that's what I consider to be the most important. She's selfless and thoughtful and not a day goes by that I know I'm cared for, adored and truly loved.
> 
> *sings* I love her cause she got her own!




I think the above says volumes I dont think spoiling someone necessarily is about material goods whilst that is nice on occassion I often think cooking for someone you love, doing something that they love but you may not be interested in ect is often far grater than a huge hunk of diamonds or some such

hmm think this topic probably should be in its own thread lol 

I dont care if you dont work just be upfront and honest about the reasons why, and dont have an attitude about it he actually tried to get me to add him to my yahoo after the rudeness and then again with a different user name before resorting to my fb all of wich are now blocked/deleted ect

I am happy to make new friends but quality counts


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## LovelyLiz (May 12, 2010)

Weeze said:


> I agree with this very, very much. My age range is a little too young to be accomplished... But I'm not really into a guy that's content with making 10 bucks an hour for the rest of his life. Home Depot is not an appropriate life plan for someone I'm interested in. I don't mean to sound like a brat, but i want someone that aims a little higher. Is that bad?



Not at all. I'm right there with you. To me it's just as much about things we'll be interested in doing, or about the kinds of conversations the guy wants to have - and whether those align between the two of us.

I'm not materialistic or status-driven at all; so sometimes I'll think, look, just because I have a ton of education, why does it matter if the guy even went to college? I don't care if he's rich or has some kind of prestigious job. But what I've found is that it's not about the money or status so much as just the kinds of things we're interested in talking about and the kinds of things we value. And I find that those things tend to line up more if the guy's education level is similar to mine. I'm totally open to being proven wrong, but it hasn't really happened yet.

What I'm saying is...what you're looking for is just fine, Weeze.


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## thatgirl08 (May 12, 2010)

I honestly couldn't see myself being with a guy that isn't currently in or has graduated from or has serious plans to attend college. I value higher education and a stable career (as opposed to just a job). No hate against those who don't have college degrees, but it's just something that's important to me. & for the record, it's something I value in myself also.. which is why I'm about to finish up my AS degree and have plans to go to a 4 year college within the next year or two. I don't think you're off base at all for wanting that Weeze.


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## Tau (May 14, 2010)

I love men with ambition. You don't need to be swimming in money - but you've got be swimming in passion. Also, please have a realistic plan. I'm sick to death of all these people who are eternally in the process of starting a business. They can't work regular jobs because they're 'starting a business.'  Guys like that make me run a mile. Men without a sense of selfworth are also a big no. I'm not looking for a walking ego but I'm also not looking for a wounded duck. I want somebody who believes in themselves and knows what they want. I personally take care of a lot of people all the time. My family needs me a great deal and I do not resent this but it is exhausting sometimes. This means that I want a partner who can take care of me sometimes. I don't want to baby my man, I don't want to have to worry about whether or not he has enough money to feed himself or if his ego will be crushed by my arguing with him. I want a partner not a child or a patient or a victim. I really don't think that's asking too much. I know what I bring to the table - it would be awsome if my significant other could at least match that.


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## spiritangel (May 14, 2010)

Tau said:


> I love men with ambition. You don't need to be swimming in money - but you've got be swimming in passion. Also, please have a realistic plan. I'm sick to death of all these people who are eternally in the process of starting a business. They can't work regular jobs because they're 'starting a business.'  Guys like that make me run a mile. Men without a sense of selfworth are also a big no. I'm not looking for a walking ego but I'm also not looking for a wounded duck. I want somebody who believes in themselves and knows what they want. I personally take care of a lot of people all the time. My family needs me a great deal and I do not resent this but it is exhausting sometimes. This means that I want a partner who can take care of me sometimes. I don't want to baby my man, I don't want to have to worry about whether or not he has enough money to feed himself or if his ego will be crushed by my arguing with him. I want a partner not a child or a patient or a victim. I really don't think that's asking too much. I know what I bring to the table - it would be awsome if my significant other could at least match that.




Hugs yep have passion for what you do be chasing your dreams but dont be just talking about it I hear that totally, and agree I want a partner to share life with 


omg I swear I am a hairsbreath to changing my fb status to in a relationship I dont care that I am not I am slowly loosing my faith in the males of this world

sorry amanda you have been fooled by a married man with 2 kids and one is autisic - there are so many of them on facebook 

a man who jets his dick off wanking to the internet 

two lines I just got on fb meh and eewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I do not need to know this there are a million pay sites why pick on me

I feel sooo unclean I barely spoke to this guy and told him off for telling me bbws turn him on think I need a shower 




and do NOT under any circumstances tell me the first time you chat to me that bbw turn you on its sleezy and wont make me want to talk to you at all

meh I am staying single for life at this rate seriously


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## Tau (May 14, 2010)

LOL! So been there chick. My last straw came in the form of BBW dating sites. Oh dear Lord the wrongness!! Now I've mostly taken my love life off the internet. I went speed dating two weeks back. It was horrific  but I'm seriously proud of myself because I did it! Ignore the internet losers - and beware the FB creeps - there are a disturbing number of them.


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## spiritangel (May 14, 2010)

all friend requests are now being grilled as to why they were sent unless its someone I know

I have only been single for a few months I cannot imagine how the women who have had to put up with that stuff for years feel, as I said I am happy to make new friends havent actively been searching for a new relationship If I happen accross the right guy then woo hoo but if not then I will still keep living my life think I may change my profile pic back to my old one or to one of the bears instead just makes me sad for the state of the human race somedays


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## littlefairywren (May 14, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> Hugs yep have passion for what you do be chasing your dreams but dont be just talking about it I hear that totally, and agree I want a partner to share life with
> 
> 
> omg I swear I am a hairsbreath to changing my fb status to in a relationship I dont care that I am not I am slowly loosing my faith in the males of this world
> ...



OMG, that is awful....so sorry about that hon  (((Hugs))) to you!
What a PECKERHEAD of major proportions! That is why I have my relationship status on FB the way it is, works like a filter.


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## spiritangel (May 14, 2010)

well I fixed his little red wagon I had an ex who used to do stuff and feel the need to confess and be cleansed of his sins so to speak I just flat out blocked him I was sooo angry he used the I have an austistic child line I have a cousin whose son has Asperges and Ihope to god her hubby never would do or say anything like that I think that is what got me the worst. I am totally screening every guy now before they get near my profile


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## LillyBBBW (May 14, 2010)

There's something that really gets my goat every time, I'm not really certain how to describe it. I have a profile with a full length photograph. It says where I'm from, what I do, what I'm into, what I'm looking for,etc. I think there's a joke in there too, I don't know. I hate men who respond with NO information at all. He just declares that he is an attractive male who found my ad intriguing and would like to know more about my qualities. Meanwhile for all I know he could be only 16 years old. He could live in Antartica. He could look exactly like my Jr High School gym teacher. There are any number of reasons that he might not be visually appealing to me at all yet he feels fully justified to select my profile and then contact me as if he's shopping for a horse. Unappealing. If he asks for a picture I actively pray for his death and will name my first born after the one who sees to its end.


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## RobitusinZ (May 14, 2010)

If a guy who says he's single won't friend you on Facebook, he's not single.


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## spiritangel (May 14, 2010)

RobitusinZ said:


> If a guy who says he's single won't friend you on Facebook, he's not single.



erm they are sedding the friend requests unsolicited lol havent had that problem as yet but then again who knows?


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## RobitusinZ (May 14, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> erm they are sedding the friend requests unsolicited lol havent had that problem as yet but then again who knows?



Unsolicited friend requests are just annoying, LOL.  But think about it...if you had a boyfriend, or any sort of companion, who had a Facebook account, wouldn't you expect to be on there? It's impossible for a guy in a relationship to keep his FB account reflecting a "single" status...not just on the actual status line, but in his pics and status updates as well.

Facebook may over-expose you, but at least it works as a very shallow "background check" in these cases.

Oh, and be wary of EMPTY Facebook pages too. If a dude has a Facebook account with 2 pics and 4 friends, he only set that up to fool you.


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## spiritangel (May 14, 2010)

hehe already cottoned onto that one the I am new to fb routine meh 

anyone sending me a friend request of the male persuasion is getting a thorough grilling from now on and I am not being miss nice to everyone who does anymore so all good live and learn


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## LovelyLiz (May 14, 2010)

Tau said:


> LOL! So been there chick. My last straw came in the form of BBW dating sites. Oh dear Lord the wrongness!! Now I've mostly taken my love life off the internet. *I went speed dating two weeks back. It was horrific  but I'm seriously proud of myself because I did it!* Ignore the internet losers - and beware the FB creeps - there are a disturbing number of them.



Good on you, girl! I totally hear you will taking your love life off the internet, I'm right there with you.

But I am super proud of you too for going speed dating! Such a risk, and you are a rockstar for having done it! I totally want to hear all about it.


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## Jes (May 14, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I totally want to hear all about it.



Ditto. And ditto on the thumbs up, too.

I've always thought SD seemed like a great idea but have also wondered how it would work for the fatter among us. I continue to see fat and thin differently, and I'm not always sure I should. By now, I'm at an age where a lot of people, men and women, are fatter, or wrinklier, or balder or whatever, so maybe things kind of even out? I don't know.

I want to add something to the OPost, and not create a tangent but I've blown my wad, and can't think of anything. Sorry.


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## Cupcake91 (May 15, 2010)

I just wanted to say thanks for the thread. I don't have anything to add (new to this whole thing). This has been very enlightening, thanks for the tips.


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## Sweet Tooth (May 15, 2010)

Tracyarts said:


> " If someone else's duplicity is, say, exposing me to a risk of STDs, I have a right to know what they're doing [in a general way] so I can protect myself and decide if I want to continue with them or not. "
> 
> Why would you be with somebody you couldn't trust?
> 
> Tracy



Haven't there ever been times when you thought you could trust someone, that all the signs pointed to them being honest and forthright, but then you find out otherwise... and you realize there were these "signs" - which is the topic of this thread - along the way that maybe you didn't realize at the time had any meaning?

Perhaps that's the point of this. We can debate all day over a chicken vs egg thing, but sometimes you do the right thing in being gradual about it and grow to trust them over time because they seem genuine and real and THEN find out they aren't what they've said they were. Or you could trust them once, and something changes. Or maybe you could never trust them and just didn't realize because they talked a good game. Who knows? Isn't that the point of this thread?

No, I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. Not at all. But it's a lot more complicated sometimes than a just don't be with them sort of scenario.


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## Lamia (May 16, 2010)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Haven't there ever been times when you thought you could trust someone, that all the signs pointed to them being honest and forthright, but then you find out otherwise... and you realize there were these "signs" - which is the topic of this thread - along the way that maybe you didn't realize at the time had any meaning?
> 
> Perhaps that's the point of this. We can debate all day over a chicken vs egg thing, but sometimes you do the right thing in being gradual about it and grow to trust them over time because they seem genuine and real and THEN find out they aren't what they've said they were. Or you could trust them once, and something changes. Or maybe you could never trust them and just didn't realize because they talked a good game. Who knows? Isn't that the point of this thread?
> 
> No, I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. Not at all. But it's a lot more complicated sometimes than a just don't be with them sort of scenario.



Very well said and true. There are some really good actors and actresses out there and they know how to play people. I will say though that instinct is nothing to shake a stick at. My sister and best friend have had a number of men in their life and I've liked some of them and some of them made my skin crawl at first meeting. My skin has never been wrong unfortunately. If you have someone in your life that you know is a good judge of character I see nothing wrong in getting their opinion.


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## BBWTexan (May 16, 2010)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Haven't there ever been times when you thought you could trust someone, that all the signs pointed to them being honest and forthright, but then you find out otherwise... and you realize there were these "signs" - which is the topic of this thread - along the way that maybe you didn't realize at the time had any meaning?
> 
> Perhaps that's the point of this. We can debate all day over a chicken vs egg thing, but sometimes you do the right thing in being gradual about it and grow to trust them over time because they seem genuine and real and THEN find out they aren't what they've said they were. Or you could trust them once, and something changes. Or maybe you could never trust them and just didn't realize because they talked a good game. Who knows? Isn't that the point of this thread?
> 
> No, I don't want to be with someone I can't trust. Not at all. But it's a lot more complicated sometimes than a just don't be with them sort of scenario.



Definitely more complicated than that... in fact, sometimes you don't find out until you've been married to them for a few years. And let me tell ya, that sucks.


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## Tau (May 16, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> Good on you, girl! I totally hear you will taking your love life off the internet, I'm right there with you.
> 
> But I am super proud of you too for going speed dating! Such a risk, and you are a rockstar for having done it! I totally want to hear all about it.



To Jes and McBeth who wanted to hear more 

The event took place at a golf club - I think that should have been the first hint that my friends and I wouldn't quite fit LOL! We arrived, dressed to the nines and were greeted with great enthusiasm and offered cocktails and snacks - which were awesome. Then we got started. There wasn't a man present under age 45 LOL! All of them looked utterly terrified when they sat across from me. I've mentioned in other threads the race drama in SA. The impression I gained from most of these men is that they had rarely ever interacted with a black woman who was not employed by them or had been their nanny. I'm honestly not trying to stirr any racial pots - this is just our reality in SA. One dude, in the 5 minutes we had, told me at length about the fond memories he had of his Xhosa nanny (I'm Xhosa fyi) and then tried speaking the language, badly. Cringe worthy stuff man. Then there was a dude who told me, straight up, that he did not see the aesthetic of black women - I think he'd decided he was going to be brave and bold and really fucking rude about the whole thing. I told him I did not see the the aesthetic of really old men. Lies ofcourse but I wasn't going to let him get away with that one. There were some really sweet guys too - one who told me I'd be a better match for his son, also in his twenties and then told me a little about his game farm and another guy who ran a plumbing biz and I got him to share some plumbing horror stories LOL! We really didn't fit at all with the crowd and we let the company that arranged it know that that was seriously not cool. Then there was dancing LOL! They were playing 70's and 80's singalongs but we still managed to break it down - and a ton of good food. We've signed up for another one - this one we've received several reassurances will be a better cultural mix and a slightly less daunting age gap - and we'll be getting a refund if it isn't. We'll see. At any rate - I was terrified going in but so, so happy that it got done


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## SparkGirl (May 18, 2010)

*I've got to say, I've had much better luck dating when I gave up the dating sites and became more careful about who I "friended" on FB or any other site. I guess it's better because I'm not meeting the animals on those sites that are preying on trusting girls who believe the BS that they have become so crafty at handing out.*

*Also ladies, if you happen to date a guy that even has his cell phone on during the date, then walk away...he should only care about being with you on that date and not have his cell turned on (the world isn't going to end if the phone is turned off). Also, if you happen to find out that he's been hitting on people that you know, don't blame the ladies and give them a hard time, it's the jackhole's fault for playing you both in the first place.*


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## LillyBBBW (May 18, 2010)

SparkGirl said:


> *I've got to say, I've had much better luck dating when I gave up the dating sites and became more careful about who I "friended" on FB or any other site. I guess it's better because I'm not meeting the animals on those sites that are preying on trusting girls who believe the BS that they have become so crafty at handing out.*
> 
> *Also ladies, if you happen to date a guy that even has his cell phone on during the date, then walk away...he should only care about being with you on that date and not have his cell turned on (the world isn't going to end if the phone is turned off). Also, if you happen to find out that he's been hitting on people that you know, don't blame the ladies and give them a hard time, it's the jackhole's fault for playing you both in the first place.*



I agree. That is Phone Ettiquette 101. Unless it's an emergency lose him. He's not worth your time if you're not worth his. Also I agree with the sentimant about the blame game when a man is a liar. The man is a *liar*. The people he lied about are immaterial. Get out now.


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## superodalisque (May 18, 2010)

Tau said:


> To Jes and McBeth who wanted to hear more
> 
> The event took place at a golf club - I think that should have been the first hint that my friends and I wouldn't quite fit LOL! We arrived, dressed to the nines and were greeted with great enthusiasm and offered cocktails and snacks - which were awesome. Then we got started. There wasn't a man present under age 45 LOL! All of them looked utterly terrified when they sat across from me. I've mentioned in other threads the race drama in SA. The impression I gained from most of these men is that they had rarely ever interacted with a black woman who was not employed by them or had been their nanny. I'm honestly not trying to stirr any racial pots - this is just our reality in SA. One dude, in the 5 minutes we had, told me at length about the fond memories he had of his Xhosa nanny (I'm Xhosa fyi) and then tried speaking the language, badly. Cringe worthy stuff man. Then there was a dude who told me, straight up, that he did not see the aesthetic of black women - I think he'd decided he was going to be brave and bold and really fucking rude about the whole thing. I told him I did not see the the aesthetic of really old men. Lies ofcourse but I wasn't going to let him get away with that one. There were some really sweet guys too - one who told me I'd be a better match for his son, also in his twenties and then told me a little about his game farm and another guy who ran a plumbing biz and I got him to share some plumbing horror stories LOL! We really didn't fit at all with the crowd and we let the company that arranged it know that that was seriously not cool. Then there was dancing LOL! They were playing 70's and 80's singalongs but we still managed to break it down - and a ton of good food. We've signed up for another one - this one we've received several reassurances will be a better cultural mix and a slightly less daunting age gap - and we'll be getting a refund if it isn't. We'll see. At any rate - I was terrified going in but so, so happy that it got done



i call this "busting" a place, as in breaking all of the stereotypes by letting people get to know you. sounds like you jazzed things up for everybody. not out of character for you. you broke so many barriers and helped out so many causes besides your own just by showing up. you've got age, race, fat, male/female, music,career differences and goodness knows what else! sometimes showing up is really all we have to do. it makes everybody grow.


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## LovelyLiz (May 18, 2010)

Tau said:


> To Jes and McBeth who wanted to hear more
> 
> The event took place at a golf club - I think that should have been the first hint that my friends and I wouldn't quite fit LOL! We arrived, dressed to the nines and were greeted with great enthusiasm and offered cocktails and snacks - which were awesome. Then we got started. There wasn't a man present under age 45 LOL! All of them looked utterly terrified when they sat across from me. I've mentioned in other threads the race drama in SA. The impression I gained from most of these men is that they had rarely ever interacted with a black woman who was not employed by them or had been their nanny. I'm honestly not trying to stirr any racial pots - this is just our reality in SA. One dude, in the 5 minutes we had, told me at length about the fond memories he had of his Xhosa nanny (I'm Xhosa fyi) and then tried speaking the language, badly. Cringe worthy stuff man. Then there was a dude who told me, straight up, that he did not see the aesthetic of black women - I think he'd decided he was going to be brave and bold and really fucking rude about the whole thing. I told him I did not see the the aesthetic of really old men. Lies ofcourse but I wasn't going to let him get away with that one. There were some really sweet guys too - one who told me I'd be a better match for his son, also in his twenties and then told me a little about his game farm and another guy who ran a plumbing biz and I got him to share some plumbing horror stories LOL! We really didn't fit at all with the crowd and we let the company that arranged it know that that was seriously not cool. Then there was dancing LOL! They were playing 70's and 80's singalongs but we still managed to break it down - and a ton of good food. We've signed up for another one - this one we've received several reassurances will be a better cultural mix and a slightly less daunting age gap - and we'll be getting a refund if it isn't. We'll see. At any rate - I was terrified going in but so, so happy that it got done



I completely applaud and admire the way you guys shook up the joint. For real. And you even signed up for another one, after that experience wasn't really that great? Way to put yourself out there and keep taking risks... Hats of to you, sister. :bow:

Also, if I ever visit South Africa, you and I are gonna go pick up men together. Just FYI. They won't know what hit 'em.


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## superodalisque (May 18, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I agree. That is Phone Ettiquette 101. Unless it's an emergency lose him. He's not worth your time if you're not worth his. Also I agree with the sentimant about the blame game when a man is a liar. The man is a *liar*. The people he lied about are immaterial. Get out now.



i have 4 bros. they claim that all men lie. as my brother says every time a guy opens his mouth some kind of lie flies out. the trick is to separate the harmful liar from the run of the mill everyday liar. there is a big difference between a little white lie about being late because he just wanted to watch the game with sexually disinterested guy friends or the one that places him with some other woman who is definitely interested, even if she pretends she isn't, that you don't know about.


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## Lovelyone (May 18, 2010)

this guy is not who he seems to be... 

Terri, you've received a response from Sammuel C. It reads as follows: 

Hey there Terilyn. I am Alex C. I am looking for a wife. My very own wife. I likes your profile. You can be my wife? Imagine that. Massage me at [email protected] anonymous dot com, Rermembers, my name is Alex.


My reponse?

Alex--if you are so honest, why does your profile say that your name is Sammuel? Scammer, get a real job and stop bothering the REAL honest people.


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## LovelyLiz (May 18, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> i have 4 bros. they claim that all men lie. as my brother says every time a guy opens his mouth some kind of lie flies out. the trick is to separate the harmful liar from the run of the mill everyday liar. there is a big difference between a little white lie about being late because he just wanted to watch the game with sexually disinterested guy friends or the one that places him with some other woman who is definitely interested, even if she pretends she isn't, that you don't know about.



Is your brother Chris Rock?  He has a bit in his _Bigger and Blacker_ comedy show where he talks about this. I had to mention it...since he says just what you're saying here. It's an interesting point...

And plus, I :wubu: Chris Rock.


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## superodalisque (May 18, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> Is your brother Chris Rock?  He has a bit in his _Bigger and Blacker_ comedy show where he talks about this. I had to mention it...since he says just what you're saying here. It's an interesting point...
> 
> And plus, I :wubu: Chris Rock.



he only plays Chris Rock at family gatherings  i knew that wasn't his--the liar! 

isn't bigger and blacker the one where he talks about pump fat? love how he talks about how inspiring a big girl is, with the pump fat? 

sorry about going off track. back to our previous programming


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## LovelyLiz (May 18, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> he only plays Chris Rock at family gatherings  i knew that wasn't his--the liar!
> 
> isn't bigger and blacker the one where he talks about pump fat? love how he talks about how inspiring a big girl is, with the pump fat?
> 
> sorry about going off track. back to our previous programming



I was gonna say...if your brother is Chris Rock...hook a girl up! 

I've watched the DVD several times. Hilarious. (And yeah...it's the one where he talks about pump fat and the awesomeness of fat, black women. Good stuff!)


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 18, 2010)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSLeUTpwFjI


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## spiritangel (May 19, 2010)

well I unjoined some fb groups, took being single off any of my front page profile info and viola not a friend request in sight bar from a scrapping friend so at the moment looks like the men are not seeking me out phew


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 19, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> well I unjoined some fb groups, took being single off any of my front page profile info and viola not a friend request in sight bar from a scrapping friend so at the moment looks like the men are not seeking me out phew




Let me guess......you joined some of the BBW groups and suddenly had men with names you can't pronounce wanting to friend you?


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## CastingPearls (May 19, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Let me guess......you joined some of the BBW groups and suddenly had men with names you can't pronounce wanting to friend you?


I posted a 'screw you-not interested' status and asked my friends to translate--we were up to around 20 languages. I'm deleting groups and fan-pages as we speak.


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## spiritangel (May 19, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Let me guess......you joined some of the BBW groups and suddenly had men with names you can't pronounce wanting to friend you?



yes and no got lots of regular sounding guys to and even loads in my own country think I have only stayed talking to a couple one is in a relationship but know him from a yahoo group andhe isnt looking for anything just friendship and I have known him for years, one is a bbw clothing dude and the other well :blush:

Oh and one I may end up deleting not sure yet he seems like he may be a collector meh

other than that I have only been approached once since I removed lots of groups and things

and the ones with unpronounceable names diddnt even get past the friend request I am being a total hard arse


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 19, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> yes and no got lots of regular sounding guys to and even loads in my own country think I have only stayed talking to a couple one is in a relationship but know him from a yahoo group andhe isnt looking for anything just friendship and I have known him for years, one is a bbw clothing dude and the other well :blush:
> 
> Oh and one I may end up deleting not sure yet he seems like he may be a collector meh
> 
> ...


I'm out of rep again- I think I owe you some for being a hard arse


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## spiritangel (May 19, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I'm out of rep again- I think I owe you some for being a hard arse



awww huggles well I have learnt from my mistakes no more miss nice girl I deserve the best and the looser brigade are doomed to be blocked, ignored and otherwise as they are not needed


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## thatgirl08 (May 19, 2010)

I don't really mind when someone uses their phone on a date. Apparently I'm in the minority on this.


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## LoveBHMS (May 19, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> I don't really mind when someone uses their phone on a date. Apparently I'm in the minority on this.



Minority of two.

I once dated a guy who worked in marketing, and his company did a lot of promotions of things like having a pro athlete signing autographs in sports equiptment stores. They had a vendor who produced those big life sized cardboard cutouts of athletes that you see in Footlockers and those sorts of places. As a manager, he had to give approval of copy and layout of those things and so he had to be contacted at all hours. So...if we were out and he had to sign off on copy of a promotional flyer or layout of a life sized "Shaq", i didn't care at all. If i was sitting there enjoying a nice glass of wine or a cocktail and he was paying, I understood the money came from his job, which he needed his phone/email/texts/ to do.


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## LillyBBBW (May 20, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Minority of two.
> 
> I once dated a guy who worked in marketing, and his company did a lot of promotions of things like having a pro athlete signing autographs in sports equiptment stores. They had a vendor who produced those big life sized cardboard cutouts of athletes that you see in Footlockers and those sorts of places. As a manager, he had to give approval of copy and layout of those things and so he had to be contacted at all hours. So...if we were out and he had to sign off on copy of a promotional flyer or layout of a life sized "Shaq", i didn't care at all. If i was sitting there enjoying a nice glass of wine or a cocktail and he was paying, I understood the money came from his job, which he needed his phone/email/texts/ to do.



Yeah but that's a little different. Somebody with a job like that, a doctor or some other kind of thing is something that's understood. He's got to take the call. Some mall goon though with lots of annoying friends is not. When I'm with people I shut my phone off, its rude. I'm not going to be yakking it up on the phone when I'm supposed to be spending time with someone unless there's something going on. If I'm expecting a call back on an audition, I'm waiting to hear medical test results, etc. I usually tell the people I'm with that I'm looking for "A" call. Otherwise my phone is on vibrate when I'm with someone, especially someone I like. I don't know, maybe I'm from a different era or something. That just seems elementary.


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## thatgirl08 (May 20, 2010)

It's probably a generational thing. It doesn't bother me or my friends. I mean if it was obnoxious where the person wasn't listening to you at all or was on their phone the entire time, obviously that'd be a problem.. but sending some texts.. that doesn't bother me.


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## LovelyLiz (May 20, 2010)

thatgirl08 said:


> It's probably a generational thing. It doesn't bother me or my friends. I mean if it was obnoxious where the person wasn't listening to you at all or was on their phone the entire time, obviously that'd be a problem.. but sending some texts.. that doesn't bother me.



For you, is this true even on a first date? I feel the first date needs special consideration. After that, a little texting and taking important calls is okay (especially if their job demands they take calls) - but usually with some kind of acknowledgement that they're doing it and want to be respectful of your time. If there are other people around for you to talk to while they're texting and whatnot, then fine, but if you are forced to stare at the wall while they send out a bunch of texts or take unimportant calls...that's just inconsiderate, to me. It might be generational.


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## superodalisque (May 20, 2010)

spiritangel said:


> yes and no got lots of regular sounding guys to and even loads in my own country think I have only stayed talking to a couple one is in a relationship but know him from a yahoo group andhe isnt looking for anything just friendship and I have known him for years, one is a bbw clothing dude and the other well :blush:
> 
> Oh and one I may end up deleting not sure yet he seems like he may be a collector meh
> 
> ...




just my opinion, i know a lot of people will disagree: you don't have to delete everybody. just don't take them all seriously. sometimes its nice just to have a good innocent flirt. besides not all guys should be love interests.  its nice to just have a group of people you talk to that you know find you attractive. its not that you have to depend on them for your self worth at all but it doesn't hurt to have friends who reinforce the vision you have of yourself. and its helpful to them to be able to say that they find someone attractive who is fat and believes it. so it can be a mutual help if we don't take the net thing too seriously. as long as the guy isn't rude or tries to do something unacceptable to you it shouldn't be a problem.

i've made quite a few people others might think are trolls into good solid respectful online and even IRL friends. people have interests other than just sex. if the guy isn't mean or manipulative there's no reason to be totally paranoid. just keep a few rules for yourself to keep you out of emotional trouble and away feeling closer to someone than you should who hasn't shown the important signs of really being interested in who you are. i mean if a guy is creepy definitely delete him. but, if its just that he isn't someone you'd chose to date or you think maybe he is in a relationship or something just don't get close to him in that way. if all he wants is to control you or use you he'll disappear anyway. an online friendship can be a great thing when you want someone to hash things out with or just a shoulder to cry on. we need more than just our girls to talk to sometimes.


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## thatgirl08 (May 20, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> For you, is this true even on a first date? I feel the first date needs special consideration. After that, a little texting and taking important calls is okay (especially if their job demands they take calls) - but usually with some kind of acknowledgement that they're doing it and want to be respectful of your time. If there are other people around for you to talk to while they're texting and whatnot, then fine, but if you are forced to stare at the wall while they send out a bunch of texts or take unimportant calls...that's just inconsiderate, to me. It might be generational.



If it's a first date then I'd prefer they kept it to a minimum but if their phone goes off I don't care if they look at the text and text the person back or answer the call and say they can't talk. I mean if within the first five minutes they pull out their phone and call someone up, that'd be a problem, but if they're just responding to handful of texts throughout dinner or something, sure.


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## LillyBBBW (May 20, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> For you, is this true even on a first date? I feel the first date needs special consideration. After that, a little texting and taking important calls is okay (especially if their job demands they take calls) - but usually with some kind of acknowledgement that they're doing it and want to be respectful of your time. If there are other people around for you to talk to while they're texting and whatnot, then fine, but if you are forced to stare at the wall while they send out a bunch of texts or take unimportant calls...that's just inconsiderate, to me. It might be generational.



I agree. I'm really trying wrap my head around that. I'm trying to imagine if I were younger and I were hanging around with the same people all the time that might be okay I suppose. These days though I don't see my friends all that often. I have to make time to get together with them, shoot the breeze, shop or whatever. It could very well be generational but if a person I'm meeting with is messing with their phone, texting and what not I would litterally get up and walk out on them. I blew something off to be there. Don't waste my time.


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## mossystate (May 20, 2010)

" _I usually tell the people I'm with that I'm looking for "A" call. _ "

This is what I appreciate from people. Also, if I know they have kids, I understand they might be getting a few calls asking where the peanut butter disappeared to...real emergencies. Other than that, I just have a really hard time with anything that is not important. Maybe carry a crossword puzzle, and when they hang up, whip it out and start. Hold one finger up at them if they start to ask why you are doing it.


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## thatgirl08 (May 20, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I agree. I'm really trying wrap my head around that. I'm trying to imagine if I were younger and I were hanging around with the same people all the time that might be okay I suppose. These days though I don't see my friends all that often. I have to make time to get together with them, shoot the breeze, shop or whatever. It could very well be generational but if a person I'm meeting with is messing with their phone, texting and what not I would litterally get up and walk out on them. I blew something off to be there. Don't waste my time.



I'm sure that has something to do with it too.. most of my close friends I see a few times a week so it's not as big of a deal when we get together.


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## Jes (May 21, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> For you, is this true even on a first date? I feel the first date needs special consideration. .



Countess Luann feels it's in very poor taste. Ultimate sin!

IF LOVING THE HOUSEWIVES IS WRONG, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT.


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## LillyBBBW (May 21, 2010)

Jes said:


> Countess Luann feels it's in very poor taste. Ultimate sin!
> 
> IF LOVING THE HOUSEWIVES IS WRONG, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT.



Damn straight.


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## LovelyLiz (May 21, 2010)

Jes said:


> Countess Luann feels it's in very poor taste. Ultimate sin!
> 
> IF LOVING THE HOUSEWIVES IS WRONG, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT.



Where is that damn unamused smiley when you need it?


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