# Wife has lost weight- Does it get easier?



## modraneth (Apr 28, 2017)

This is my first post here. Dimensions was actually the first site of its kind that I browsed way back in 2000 when I first discovered I had this preference. I loved the fact that there was community out there of men and women who embraced size acceptance. It actually helped me come to grips with my preference after being told specifically by one woman, "You must be gay if you don't want this." So anyway, I've clearly been lurking for a really long time, and it's a shame that this has to be my first post, but I am looking for some advice from those who have a preference for curvier women because I think it is seriously damaging my marriage.

I've known my wife for 14 years, we've been married for five of those years. When I first met her, I thought she was perfect. Smart, career-oriented, funny with an incredible body. It was basically exactly what I wanted in a woman. When we first met, she was about 145 and 5'4, but her weight fluctuated throughout our time together. In university, she decided to diet and lost about 15 lbs. Initially, I supported her in this, but I didn't like the result in the end. She ended up gaining the weight back (although it wasn't something I pushed), but her weight has been a running theme in our relationship. I used to hate when she went to the gym (until I started going myself and learned how hard it is to lose weight), and while I didn't tell her this, my passive aggressive attitude likely told her what I thought. Putting that bit of asshole behaviour aside, this running theme of her weight came up on several occasions. When clothes didn't fit or when she was feeling unattractive, I always told her that she was beautiful. I hoped that she would accept, that she would eventually see in herself what I had seen all along, and there were times when I got through. But she always had issues with her body. This is a girl whose grandmother told her that her thighs were fat at 5 years old. But still i tried to make her feel comfortable in her body with varying degrees of success. I should note that she never hated her body, but there were always things that she wanted to change (like pretty much every person on the planet). She also wasn't trying to diet all the time and lose the weight. She was just someone who wasn't entirely happy with their body.

With kids, she gained some weight (up to 160 when we were married) and then back to her regular weight. However, a year after our second child was born, my wife lost about thirty five pounds (she is now about 110-115). It wasn't through anything she was actively trying to do (wasn't going to gym excessively or really dieting). It had everything to do with a food intolerance test and some wacky post-pregnancy hormones. The weight tumbled off of her and with that her curves too. After this happened, we went through a very, very difficult patch, going to counselling both couples and private. My therapist told me that if I just told my wife that I loved her, that she was beautiful, and that I showed her that then things would work out. He gave the example of a man whose wife had gained a significant amount of weight. Eventually, the wife started being active again with the support of her husband and everything turned out fine. Those of us with this preference know that most women, however, don't want to gain weight. I have never known a woman who wanted to gain weight beyond these forums basically. Is my wife happy with her body? No, of course not. Like when she was 145, she still doesn't like aspects of her body. In fact, she is judged now for being so small, with the clerk who hemmed her pants asking, "Do you even eat?" Her co-workers are surprised she eats fast food, likely think she is bulimic. I touched her hip the other day, and she said it felt gross. My therapist told me that basically I had to 'grieve' my wife's old body, and that once I did and came to acceptance that things would be OK.

I honestly feel like I am still grieving her body a year later. I've done my best to accept it, to show interest in her (even though I can't hide the fact that I am just not nearly as attracted to her as I used to be). I miss her curves, and the excitement that they would elicit when I would massage her legs or just touch her body. I find myself having to avoid areas on her body like angular hips and collar bones and the fact that she barely has a chest. I don't look at her the same way, and I am not a person who can hide these things. She knows that I used to love touching her body all over, and I just can't any longer. I honestly hate this preference because I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't get over how she used to look (can't look at pictures of her from before the loss) and how her body felt. It is why I stopped coming to Curvage or Dimensions or looking at any curvy women on the net. I've stopped reading weight gain stories. I hadn't been on the site for anything except research for my problem for over a year now.

I feel like a shallow asshole who is basically putting far too much emphasis on looks, and it has seriously impacted our relationship. My wife doesn't understand why I put so much emphasis on how she looks, why I care. So I'm asking, does it get any easier? Is this something that I will come to accept for someone that I love? Can I reprogram myself after nearly twenty years of looking and being attracted to larger women? Can you suggest any ways that I can deal with this? She is not going to gain weight on purpose, but she does feel guilty for losing the weight, but she is also very resentful because she doesn't feel as wanted anymore. She said that she could gain the weight, but she would resent me for it, and I certainly don't want that. I feel too though that even if she does gain weight just over time that she will still resent me for it because suddenly I'll be a lot more interested because her weight has been a theme of our relationship.

I think for me, I just need to keep at it. Move toward acceptance, remember who my wife is, remind myself that I love her and just accept her body as it is. I understand that it is her body, and that it is her choice. I shouldn't push her in a direction to suit my preference. At the same time, how do I do that and be sincere in my intimacy with her? Sorry for the length of this. I hope at least a few people read it and know where I am coming from. But really does it get any easier? Am I going to be able to look at her the same way I used to?


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

modraneth said:


> I find myself having to avoid areas on her body like angular hips and collar bones and the fact that she barely has a chest. I don't look at her the same way, and I am not a person who can hide these things. She knows that I used to love touching her body all over, and I just can't any longer.



Everything that you describe here is the reason why I'm still determined to stay single. I couldn't put myself in the kind of situation where this might happen to me, because I know how I'd react to it, and I wouldn't want any woman (much less the woman I love) to suffer through my reactions to her change.



modraneth said:


> I feel like a shallow asshole who is basically putting far too much emphasis on looks, and it has seriously impacted our relationship. My wife doesn't understand why I put so much emphasis on how she looks, why I care.



Really? She hasn't attempted to understand that men, in general, have minds oriented towards the physical and the pragmatic, and therefore are unlikely to prioritize the abstract parts of a relationship? I find that more discouraging than anything else I've read in this post.

Don't get me wrong. You should also appreciate her other good qualities, but that doesn't mean you'll be able to feel attraction to someone who is none of the things you find physically attractive. She should be attempting to understand this, so that you can find a solution together.



modraneth said:


> So I'm asking, does it get any easier? Is this something that I will come to accept for someone that I love? Can I reprogram myself after nearly twenty years of looking and being attracted to larger women?



I suspect this depends on what kind of person you are. A while back, I was watching a video about dating, where the person said that people usually feel more attracted to those they spend a lot of time with, and I was stunned, because my experiences have been not at all like that. I may feel more trusting of a person if I spend a lot of time with them, but attracted? Never. If I'm ever going to feel attracted to someone, it happens all the way, right away, from the first moment I see them. If not, months, years and decades spent with them make no difference at all.

Now, I've talked with a lot of people about this, and apparently, some of them didn't have this same kind of experience with their emotions. You might be like them, rather than like me. All I can say is what my own experiences have taught me; I can't "reprogram" myself to feel attraction for anyone who's thin, because it's not part of my programming. It's built into the very structure of my thoughts and feelings, and I know this because a deep appreciation for softness and smoothness have been evident in my behavior patterns since I was 4.

If you've been dealing with this for as long as you say you have, and your feelings show no signs of changing, it's possible that they won't. In that case, I have two suggestions.

1. Determine whether your wife can be trusted to help you cope with your discomfort over her diminishment. If she is legitimately interested in the success of the relationship, and cares about your mental and emotional state, she may be willing to help on her end (not necessarily by gaining weight, but there may be other solutions, and she should have some part in finding them if she's willing.) If she is willing, then by all means, accept her help. You're united to her for life, and no friend or partner can be more important than a loving wife.

2. However, if your wife is determined not to help you with this issue, or even to understand why it's an issue, I urge you not to torment yourself needlessly. I'm not aware of any wedding vow that says "I pledge to feel attracted to her in sickness/health, etc..." Try to do right by her as best you can, because you've made a promise to do so, and on your end, it will make you a better man. However, I don't see any reason why you should sacrifice the comforts of your imagination just because it shows the real world to be a poor and unrewarding place. Perhaps, with practice, you'll be able to train your senses to perceive things differently than they are. It took me years, but I can usually do that if I'm not busy with some other task, and it's made it much easier for me to keep up a smile in typical social situations.

Whatever you decide, the one thing you should never do is feel guilty about your emotions. You should only feel guilty when you make a bad *choice,* and none of us gets to *choose* what our emotions are going to be, or what stimuli they'll react to.



modraneth said:


> She said that she could gain the weight, but she would resent me for it, and I certainly don't want that. I feel too though that even if she does gain weight just over time that she will still resent me for it because suddenly I'll be a lot more interested because her weight has been a theme of our relationship.



Well, as I said, there may be other solutions. Just see if you can brainstorm and think some up.



modraneth said:


> I understand that it is her body, and that it is her choice.



Wait. I'm confused. I thought you said this person was your *wife.* The concept of marriage entails that the two become one flesh, so it's not really proper to speak of a married woman in individualistic terms, or did you mean something different than that when you said "wife?"



modraneth said:


> Am I going to be able to look at her the same way I used to?



As I said, this depends. For some, the answer is apparently yes. It wouldn't work for me, though. This is why I always cease pursuing someone if they show any sign of wanting to be thin. It's the one thing about myself that I can't change.

P.S.: My poem was a bit about this. If you want, you can check it out. It's in the "Fine Arts" section.


----------



## loopytheone (Apr 28, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> Wait. I'm confused. I thought you said this person was your *wife.* The concept of marriage entails that the two become one flesh, so it's not really proper to speak of a married woman in individualistic terms, or did you mean something different than that when you said "wife?"



And this is the reason that women don't want to date you, to be blunt. Women, regardless of who their partner is, are individual people and another person's body does not belong to you, regardless of whether or not you married them. It's actually quite distressing that this is something I should have to point out.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

loopytheone said:


> And this is the reason that women don't want to date you, to be blunt. Women, regardless of who their partner is, are individual people and another person's body does not belong to you, regardless of whether or not you married them. It's actually quite distressing that this is something I should have to point out.



That's simply not the case in marriage. Marriage, by definition, is a full pledging of oneself to the other for the rest of one's life. A partial pledge is not a marriage. You can't really be "married" and hold onto your selfishness. That's why I made it a point to encourage him to use this difficulty as an opportunity to work together with his wife. It should be his new "normal," because they are one now.

As for the opening dig, I think you might be right, in a sense. I think most people *are* too self-centered to make a serious commitment; at least where I live.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 28, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> That's simply not the case in marriage. * Marriage, by definition, is a full pledging of oneself to the other for the rest of one's life. A partial pledge is not a marriage. You can't really be "married" and hold onto your selfishness. *That's why I made it a point to encourage him to use this difficulty as an opportunity to work together with his wife. It should be his new "normal," because they are one now.
> 
> As for the opening dig, I think you might be right, in a sense. I think most people *are* too self-centered to make a serious commitment; at least where I live.



So....are you married? Or have you ever been?


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> So....are you married? Or have you ever been?



No and no.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 28, 2017)

^^^^That certainly explains the overly romantic sentiment I was picking up on. 
Now I'm curious for real....you expect all this "sacrifice" from a mate...but in actuality marriage is more of a compromise. 
So what do you plan your sacrifice for love to be? I'm asking since you've put a lot of thought into what you expect from a mate. Gotta give to get.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> ^^^^That certainly explains the overly romantic sentiment I was picking up on.
> Now I'm curious for real....you expect all this "sacrifice" from a mate...but in actuality marriage is more of a compromise.
> So what do you plan your sacrifice for love to be? I'm asking since you've put a lot of thought into what you expect from a mate. Gotta give to get.



In a marriage, each gives of themselves willingly and fully. They make decisions together, rather than stubbornly insisting on their own way all the time. You can call this a "compromise" if you want to, but what it ultimately means is that, just as an tongue isn't constantly receiving taste, or an eye constantly receiving light, so each person in the whole gives up things that they want at times, for the sake of making the combined whole a stronger, healthier and happier one.

In short, if my wife wanted me to do everything in my power to lose weight for her, I would, in spite of it being the exact opposite of what I want, and in spite of the risks inherent to making the attempt. That, and anything of a lesser stripe, would be encompassed by the gift of marriage, and I can't think of any sacrifice more personal or difficult than that.

Also, I've gone into great detail on how central my need to express my sentiments is in other places. If you want to show me that mine is "wrong" or "bad," you'll need to do so with evidence.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 28, 2017)

Dude, glad you can speak so confidently of something you've never tried and obviously have zero experience with. Bully for you and good luck


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Dude, glad you can speak so confidently of something you've never tried and obviously have zero experience with. Bully for you and good luck



Thank you.

There are lots of things I've never tried, and can still understand. Police work, medicine, chemistry, the priesthood, etc... I think we all have things like that.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 28, 2017)

Your idea of marriage sounds a lot like the priesthood. But what do I know? Never been a priest....
Oh and yeah I know a lot about police work....I watch a lot of TV.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Your idea of marriage sounds a lot like the priesthood. But what do I know? Never been a priest....
> Oh and yeah I know a lot about police work....I watch a lot of TV.



Hmmm... Handbooks and instructional videos on police procedure are usually more reliable, and these days, no harder to find. And yes; actual marriage is indeed a vocation.


----------



## mp7251 (Apr 28, 2017)

Loopy - You know, it's not as simple as you put it. Physical appearance is the first thing that draws one person to another. It may go South as soon as that person opens their mouth or farts in public, but everyone has preferences. People have preferences of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders and when your SO changes outside the limits of your preference it changes your attraction to them. Suppose you married Bruce Jenner and ten years later he changes to a woman or your SO gains weight to the point that you have to take care of ALL his personal needs. Can you really say that your feelings towards him would remain unchanged?


----------



## loopytheone (Apr 28, 2017)

mp7251 said:


> Loopy - You know, it's not as simple as you put it. Physical appearance is the first thing that draws one person to another. It may go South as soon as that person opens their mouth or farts in public, but everyone has preferences. People have preferences of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders and when your SO changes outside the limits of your preference it changes your attraction to them. Suppose you married Bruce Jenner and ten years later he changes to a woman or your SO gains weight to the point that you have to take care of ALL his personal needs. Can you really say that your feelings towards him would remain unchanged?



Maybe for some people it is, and that's fine. 

I can genuinely say that neither of those things would bother me, no. 

It's also not at all the same topic that I was actually talking about. All I said was that a person, regardless of gender and martial status, is in control of their own body. I didn't say anything about attraction etc etc.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

loopytheone said:


> Maybe for some people it is, and that's fine.
> 
> I can genuinely say that neither of those things would bother me, no.
> 
> It's also not at all the same topic that I was actually talking about. All I said was that a person, regardless of gender and martial status, is in control of their own body. I didn't say anything about attraction etc etc.



Actually, what you said is that even married people are individual people and their bodies don't belong to others. Being "in control" in the sense of influencing its actions, was never disputed.

Also, if I may... It seems like MP is interpreting feelings of attraction as functions of the body, which they may or may not be, though I agree with much of what they said.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 28, 2017)

Marriage isn't about ownership. Everyone needs to get that reallyyyyy stupid notion out of their heads if they really wish to have an adult, realistic and actual conversation.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Marriage isn't about ownership. Everyone needs to get that reallyyyyy stupid notion out of their heads if they really wish to have an adult, realistic and actual conversation.



Marriage is mutual, and ownership (in an economic sense) is private. In that sense, the two are different, but only if we're talking about traditional (actual) marriage.

In terms of discussions, though, a lot of this will depend on what kind of culture you live in. Not every culture in the world treats marriage the same way.


----------



## Amaranthine (Apr 28, 2017)

I feel like most people have completely ignored OP's question in order to bicker about other things. Though, given the other things, it's understandable. 



modraneth said:


> I have never known a woman who wanted to gain weight beyond these forums basically. Is my wife happy with her body? No, of course not. Like when she was 145, she still doesn't like aspects of her body. In fact, she is judged now for being so small, with the clerk who hemmed her pants asking, "Do you even eat?" Her co-workers are surprised she eats fast food, likely think she is bulimic. I touched her hip the other day, and she said it felt gross.
> 
> But really does it get any easier? Am I going to be able to look at her the same way I used to?



Sorry you have to deal with this situation. It sounds like it's kind of a bad experience for you both. I've had similar experiences, though I've never been married, the timeframe has been way shorter, and the circumstances were different in a few other ways. But I can relate to your passive aggressive attitude about the gym, etc. For some reason, these sort of reactions seem incredibly difficult--if not impossible--to think yourself out of. You know it's shitty even while you're doing it, but it still happens. 

I think a lot depends on how exactly you're an FA. For me personally, I only have physical sexual attraction to men who are at least a little chubby. I am just not attracted to thin/fit men, in a way that just turns me off to sex completely once the infatuation wears off. It's a neurotic thing too. I find comfort in a softer partner and my brain just scrambles when that's threatened. Does it get easier? I have no idea. But you've known your wife for 14 years and this has been a running theme in the relationship. And you're still struggling after a year. I feel like, unless you really try to find some alternate solutions--other things to fantasize about, ways to incorporate being an FA without her gaining weight--then you're both in for a rough time. Your therapist's advice of merely "grieving" for her body seems not very helpful. You need to proactively find ways to boost your libido and attraction. It'll take some work, if it's possible. 

But it does sound like your wife has body image issues no matter what. She wasn't happy bigger, and even aside from your own preferences (given what other people have said to her,) it doesn't sound like she's having a great time now either. And that's pretty sad. I think for her own sake, if she's doing therapy, she should find a way to be more secure about herself no matter how she looks. Again, probably not easy. 



TwoSwords said:


> Really? She hasn't attempted to understand that men, in general, have minds oriented towards the physical and the pragmatic, and therefore are unlikely to prioritize the abstract parts of a relationship? I find that more discouraging than anything else I've read in this post.



More discouraging than anything? His wife seems to feel unattractive no matter what and that's probably a pretty bad way to feel. For one, you're making generalizations about all men. I'm a female FA and that description fits me. Some men just aren't wired that way. Some women are. And everything in between. But I think someone can understand importance of physical attraction perfectly well and still have these sorts of problems. 



TwoSwords said:


> There are lots of things I've never tried, and can still understand. Police work, medicine, chemistry, the priesthood, etc... I think we all have things like that.



Research shows that people think they know how to do something after watching that thing be done, but actually do not have the skill in question at all. Because it takes actual, hands-on practice to learn. You can read an instruction manual and, in the abstract, understand how something works. You have a sort of factual knowledge about it. "Know-how" is totally different. You can't get it unless you do it and figure out how to do it well. So there are two different senses of "understand" here and that's a source of conflict. If understanding something in the relevant way for performance was a merely factual matter, no one would suck at cooking after reading a recipe book.



loopytheone said:


> I can genuinely say that neither of those things would bother me, no.



I think this kind of illustrates the last point. I think it's easy to say things like this in the abstract, when you haven't actually been in such a situation. People are notoriously bad at projecting into the future and knowing how they would react to things. Surely the stress of taking care of all of someone's personal needs, while staying financial stable, is utterly overwhelming and presents more problems than one might first imagine (even if you imagine a lot.) 

But this doesn't apply to all situations. Some are likely as straightforward as they may seem.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 28, 2017)

Amaranthine said:


> I feel like most people have completely ignored OP's question in order to bicker about other things.



It's sad, isn't it? I read through that whole first post and reply to various points, and rather than do the same, or offer alternative positions, most other comments seem more interested in arguing.

In a way, though, I think it underscores the need for topics like this one to be discussed. I've said this before, but there's a massive double standard about this kind of issue, where one person in a relationship is selected as having "acceptable" feelings, which should be coddled, and the other is treated as pond scum, or at the very least, is treated as though their feelings are bad in some way. I like to hear people talking about this problem, because really, the OP makes me feel a bit less lonely.



Amaranthine said:


> More discouraging than anything? His wife seems to feel unattractive no matter what and that's probably a pretty bad way to feel.



True, but if there's one thing everyone seems to want to teach FAs, it's that their feelings don't matter. I've basically learned to focus less on feelings and more on conduct from that alone.



Amaranthine said:


> For one, you're making generalizations about all men.



I didn't say "all men." I said men "in general." This section is intended to outline a helpful rule of thumb; not to account for every tiny exception to it.



Amaranthine said:


> Research shows that people think they know how to do something after watching that thing be done, but actually do not have the skill in question at all.



*Which* research shows this? You've cited no findings. Until you do, any reply I make will be a straw man, because there's nothing here to argue against.



Amaranthine said:


> Because it takes actual, hands-on practice to learn.



An unsupported assertion.



Amaranthine said:


> You can't get it unless you do it and figure out how to do it well.



My word! There are so many ways to refute this, I'm not sure which one to pick! I could refer to all of modern schooling, or to the designing of programs and machines to do things that human beings can't do without them. I could quote the greatest philosophers of history on the power of the mind and its ability to learn through the five methods of proof (only one of which is "experience,") or show the power of memorization of mathematics; things which can be learned through reflection and contemplation, rather than active practice. For the moment, though, I think a modest approach will be better.

Do you seriously think Neil Armstrong, Edwin Aldrin and Michael Collins knew nothing about how to pilot a spacecraft, prior to having done so?



Amaranthine said:


> So there are two different senses of "understand" here and that's a source of conflict. If understanding something in the relevant way for performance was a merely factual matter, no one would suck at cooking after reading a recipe book.



The problem with the cooking issue is that some people are bad at following instructions, managing their ingredients and keeping a timetable. It's not that they need more hands-on experience. The recipes are indeed good enough, when they're written well.

As a final note...



Amaranthine said:


> People are notoriously bad at projecting into the future and knowing how they would react to things.



Strange. I've never really had much trouble with that. My emotions are rarely helpful, but they're quite predictable and single-minded.


----------



## Amaranthine (Apr 28, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> It's sad, isn't it? I read through that whole first post and reply to various points, and rather than do the same, or offer alternative positions, most other comments seem more interested in arguing.
> 
> In a way, though, I think it underscores the need for topics like this one to be discussed. I've said this before, but there's a massive double standard about this kind of issue, where one person in a relationship is selected as having "acceptable" feelings, which should be coddled, and the other is treated as pond scum, or at the very least, is treated as though their feelings are bad in some way. I like to hear people talking about this problem, because really, the OP makes me feel a bit less lonely.



I'm not going to perpetuate that by arguing. There are a few threads like this, in the FA/FFA subform. I would recommend perusing through there for extra insight.


----------



## Tracii (Apr 29, 2017)

Back to the OP its your wife's body she can lose weight if she wants to.
If you fall out of love with her over her weight loss what does that say about you as a person?
It says you don't love her for who she is as a person and that does make you an asshole.
Two swords if you have never been married you need to quit acting like you know all about it.


----------



## modraneth (Apr 29, 2017)

Tracii said:


> Back to the OP its your wife's body she can lose weight if she wants to.
> If you fall out of love with her over her weight loss what does that say about you as a person?
> It says you don't love her for who she is as a person and that does make you an asshole.
> Two swords if you have never been married you need to quit acting like you know all about it.



I think you need to go back and read what I wrote. I haven't fallen out of love with her. Our sex life has been hugely impacted by this. I find it interesting that many people here seem to be glossing over that fact and equating this lack of attraction with a lack of love. Many of you are simplifying the problem to just, well love her. Of course that is what I am doing, but it is an issue of a sincere intimacy. This preference runs deep and it has been supported and strengthened by years of media that has conditioned my brain. My question is, is a sincere intimacy possible, can I uncondition myself. You will note that I said in my post specifically that I understand that it is her body. I am not denying that.


----------



## landshark (Apr 29, 2017)

OP, for context, how old are you and your wife? 

I have a few thoughts on your post. First, I don't think it makes you a "shallow asshole" just because you have a preference that she no longer fits. But you have to be careful here (and it seems you've acknowledged that) because you don't want to run the risk of long term resentment. Now if your wife were happy at her smaller size I'd be more inclined to suggest you were being selfish; however, that does not seem to be the case. 

And while your preference is important, obviously in a marriage individual preferences have to sometimes take a backseat. This applies to everything: money, time, and physical characteristics of one's partner. Again, you seem to have at least an understanding of this, so that's a good thing. That also means she should respect your preferences just as much as you respect hers, and if you're not careful that can lead to an impasse. 

With that said, her preference when it comes to her body is a bit of a mystery since she doesn't seem to be happy at any weight. Believe it or not, she's not alone in that regard. Plenty of women in our culture today are not happy with themselves for a variety of reasons. Weight, shape, skin tone, you name it. I'm the furthest thing from a feminist you'll ever find, but even I can acknowledge society puts an immense amount of pressure on women to look a certain way, project a certain image, and exude certain qualities and often these are not realistic. Thankfully a lot of women don't buy that B.S. but many do. And in some cases it's subconscious. Your wife may not be browsing the SI Swimsuit issue comparing herself to the highly photoshopped images therein but she may be making comparisons elsewhere without even realizing it.

Have you ever actually asked her head on why she is unhappy with her body? If not, plan a conversation where you can sit down with no distractions and talk all night about if need be. Drill into that issue and see what lies beneath. It's not likely you as her husband will ever be able to convince her to be happy with her body: That has to come from her. I learned this with my wife. But you can be supportive and offer validation where she needs it from time to time. You're more likely going to be able to do this if you are more in tune with what's underneath the hood so to speak.

If you can work together to help her improve her self image, I'm confident the weight issue in your preference will solve itself too. It's amazing what you can put aside for someone else when you love them and care about their happiness. I'm confident that once you see your wife happier in her own body (regardless of weight) you'll find that preference may not have been as important as you thought it was.

Best wishes to you, OP.


----------



## AmandaLynn (Apr 29, 2017)

I saw this yesterday and it made my head hurt. I am somewhat surprised at the amount of time spent on this.


----------



## modraneth (Apr 29, 2017)

AmandaLynn said:


> I saw this yesterday and it made my head hurt. I am somewhat surprised at the amount of time spent on this.



Don't worry I copied the text from another place that isn't so judgmental. I have to say that for a size acceptance site there are many judgmental people here. I didn't expect sympathy on this, but I didn't expect the level of sniping either.


----------



## AmandaLynn (Apr 29, 2017)

Sympathy on what? I think the one who needs some sympathy here is your wife. I get it now though. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## modraneth (Apr 29, 2017)

happily_married said:


> OP, for context, how old are you and your wife?
> 
> I have a few thoughts on your post. First, I don't think it makes you a "shallow asshole" just because you have a preference that she no longer fits. But you have to be careful here (and it seems you've acknowledged that) because you don't want to run the risk of long term resentment. Now if your wife were happy at her smaller size I'd be more inclined to suggest you were being selfish; however, that does not seem to be the case.
> 
> ...



Thank you. This is the best advice I have received. It is definitely a question of mental health and being comfortable in one's skin. Her being happy is ultimately what I want. At the same time, I think removing porn, weight gain fantasy has improved things and I feel far more interested in her. Those images and stories were creating unrealistic ideals the same way a husband who found slim and fit women attractive looking at swimsuit models with a wife who was overweight. I still working at conditioning myself but it is working so far. Thanks again.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 29, 2017)

Modraneth- people "growing old" together is the idea of marriage or any long term relationship. NOBODY is going to look the same after thirty years together. Most people don't look "better". That's part of the concept of LTR...you're willing to weather the changes together because the relationship is one that isn't about the physical only.

Are YOU the same as when the relationship first began? Are you "different" somehow? That's to be expected, IMO. 

I understand about your libido....and you wanted to know from other men if that can be "gained back" (yes pun). 
What I know about marriage is...you can change your perceptions and expectations...just like the physical can change. I have done so in my own relationships. 
Had there been some things that were insurmountable? Yes,,, but they had nothing to do with physical attraction. I didn't marry for looks though, so perhaps I'm not really capable of understanding your whole "dilemma". Your wifes weight changed...that was never something you knew _could_ change when you got married? When I read threads like this (and yes there have been others on Dims) I tend to believe the issue must go deeper than the actual number on the scale...as in I read a level of hurt in the post. 
Do you feel like you've been "betrayed" somehow? Do you think that is what your spouse's weight loss is about? Perhaps this conversation would be better off to be had with her...because maybe she doesn't understand your feelings. 
Both of your feelings are important...and both need to be considered. Her feelings about her own body have to be considered. 

If my spouse had cancer, had to have a body part removed because of it, should I leave him? I make this comparison because weight loss is viewed as a health issue (It definitely is for me with my health problems)
Simple answer is no. OF course not...we got married. You're supposed to stick it out. But sticking it out isn't just one person's responsibility. BOTH parties have to work hard to make it work. 
Marriage involves two people- that means two people doing what's best for both parties that includes good health and long life .... not just physical attraction. 

I get the point another poster made about some changes being so big, they might end a marriage. I can agree with that point because the point I was hoping to make about marriage is that it's not "simple" and sometimes not even that "romantic" of a notion. It's working to stay together....and that will be far from easy on many days.

Yes,of course, your spouse should be considered when making any big lifestyle decision. You should be supportive of your spouse when they are doing something for themselves that will help to make them happier and healthier- whether it's physical or mental. The idea of loving another person means you gain some level of happiness from their happiness...and vice versa
The idea of compromise isn't about someone giving up everything about themselves to please another. That's not possible and doesn't make marriage look like a good decision for anyone (IMO). 
What have you gained from your wife losing weight? Anything? Can you now go for long walks together or do some other physical things together now that you couldn't before? Not all change is bad. It's hard to look for the other side of the coin when you're hurt. I know from personal experience...but I also know it's possible 

As to "getting off track" I thought "expectations of a marriage" were quite pertinent to the conversation. My apologies for digressing though in your thread Modraneth. Good luck to your and your Lady 

ETA: I didn't read Happily Married's post until after I made this one. I was wondering how he would respond and agree with him


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 29, 2017)

modraneth said:


> Don't worry I copied the text from another place that isn't so judgmental. I have to say that for a size acceptance site there are many judgmental people here. I didn't expect sympathy on this, but I didn't expect the level of sniping either.



There are other SA sites? This is the only one I've heard of. PM me with information on this. I'd love to hear more about an SA site that's actually accepting.


----------



## modraneth (Apr 29, 2017)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Modraneth- people "growing old" together is the idea of marriage or any long term relationship. NOBODY is going to look the same after thirty years together. Most people don't look "better". That's part of the concept of LTR...you're willing to weather the changes together because the relationship is one that isn't about the physical only.
> 
> Are YOU the same as when the relationship first began? Are you "different" somehow? That's to be expected, IMO.
> 
> ...



Thank you for taking the time to respond. Our therapist explained that, as you said, there are certain things in a marriage that will be absolute deal breakers. She called these core values. A relationship will inevitably end if the core values are at odds. My preference is not a core value. It is part of who I am, but it isn't everything I am. I think that is why I was so angry at myself because I am a strong proponent of size acceptance and yet when my wife is a few pounds from being underweight I lost all interest. I see the hypocrisy in it. I know I have to mature and accept things as they are. Obviously stopping the porn as our therapist suggested was key too. Your cancer analogy is apt. Thank you. I just really wanted to know if anyone has been through this and how they dealt with it.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 29, 2017)

modraneth said:


> My preference is not a core value.



Thank you. That information is helpful, and it outlines that much of what I said probably doesn't apply in your case.


----------



## landshark (Apr 29, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> There are other SA sites? This is the only one I've heard of. PM me with information on this. I'd love to hear more about an SA site that's actually accepting.



It is not often that I will be openly confrontational online (or in person) but I'm calling you out on this comment. This is as cheap as a Tijuana whore. You know fully that YOU could PM OP and ask for the same information (not to mention do a google search on your own and see what else is out there) but just needed to get a shot in against a site that has actually treated you pretty well.

A lot of members here actually gave you pretty solid advice in response to some of the issues you raised. Rather than take any of that advice into consideration you explained why none of their advice would work. Some people aren't happy until they're miserable and people who ask for advice but won't consider any of it fit that description to the letter.

FWIW, I've also experienced some hostility from some of the members here on this site but I've also been treated very graciously by many others. And in some cases the same person who will say nice things to me one day will annihilate me for something else the next day because we don't all agree on every little thing.

Also consider this: the inflexibility of your position (as stated elsewhere in this forum) is likely a caution flag to many of the regulars here. It makes no difference that your actual preference happens to align to many of their bodies. The inflexibility that would lead you to accept them is the same inflexibility that leads countless others to reject them. It's two different sides of the same coin. The preference itself is just an outward manifestation of that.

Okay, I'll say no more. I hope you find what you're looking for but with your obscene specifications for what you consider acceptable...well happy hunting. OP, my apologies for sending your thread on a little detour.


----------



## landshark (Apr 29, 2017)

modraneth said:


> Thank you. This is the best advice I have received. It is definitely a question of mental health and being comfortable in one's skin. Her being happy is ultimately what I want. *At the same time, I think removing porn, weight gain fantasy has improved things and I feel far more interested in her. Those images and stories were creating unrealistic ideals the same way a husband who found slim and fit women attractive looking at swimsuit models with a wife who was overweight.* I still working at conditioning myself but it is working so far. Thanks again.



Definitely. I think you're definitely doing the right thing here. At the end of the day you want things to work out between you and your wife and a big part of that is a self assessment of what YOU can do on your end to help things along. Keep working on these things. You may not ever be fully over it: it may take constant resolve to stay away from those things. Some days are not going to be as good as others and those are the days you may think, "what's one look?" Stay strong and think about the long term prize to be had!


----------



## agouderia (Apr 29, 2017)

modraneth said:


> Don't worry I copied the text from another place that isn't so judgmental. I have to say that for a size acceptance site there are many judgmental people here. I didn't expect sympathy on this, but I didn't expect the level of sniping either.



The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.

But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.

Many of them are simply sick and tired of being reduced to how they look - be it critical from general society for being fat. Or only admired by FAs because they are at their fattest possible.

This is an experience men simply cannot relate to from personal knowledge.


----------



## wrestlingguy (Apr 29, 2017)

I wrote this in my blog back in 2012 (I won't link it because I think it's agains the rules), but reading this thread reminded me of it, so I had to go back to refresh my memory to see if it was relevant to this thread, and I believe it somewhat is.



> Guys, your bodies will go through change, just as mine has done over the years. I lost a significant amount of weight an muscle tone when I was in the midst of my radiation (treatment for cancer). My body changed drastically. I was engaged to a woman who looked far beyond the changes my body was going through, and loved me and remained attracted to me throughout. As a result, we were married for almost 13 years, and I have a wonderful daughter to show for it.
> 
> As I aged, other women who were in my life watched me and my body age, and go through changes as well. Ive gained and lost weight and muscle tone, my hair went on hiatus years ago. I grew thick hair in my nose and ears. All the women who truly loved me never noticed, and even if they did, they didnt care.
> 
> ...



I think that women have a much better ability to connect lust & love, whereas men like to keep it separate. Years ago, I'd make a judgment call on that, saying that men should try harder (and really they should), but I also realize that it took a long time to get me to that point, and perhaps some men aren't in the same place in their journey as I am. I do know that my fiancee is going to be undergoing bariatric surgery soon, and for me, nothing will change, definitely not our sex life. She's hot to me for who she is, as much as how she looks.


----------



## Kristal (Apr 29, 2017)

Tracii said:


> Back to the OP its your wife's body she can lose weight if she wants to.
> If you fall out of love with her over her weight loss what does that say about you as a person?
> It says you don't love her for who she is as a person and that does make you an asshole.
> Two swords if you have never been married you need to quit acting like you know all about it.


IMHO : If you really love that person, you will love their body regardless of their size. 

Sent from my A571VL using Tapatalk


----------



## dwesterny (Apr 29, 2017)

I'm just monitoring this thread to see how long it is before bigmac chimes in to mention his wife's fake knockers.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 29, 2017)

happily_married said:


> Also consider this: the inflexibility of your position...



Yeah, see, I've mentioned this multiple times, and you continue not to understand it. This is not a *position* we're talking about here. My feelings just work differently. That's all. I spent fifteen years trying my darnedest to try to change that, purely for pragmatic/spiritual reasons, and the end result was a big ol' goose egg, so if you want to suggest some kind of specific mental, or emotional discipline, which I might not have tried, go ahead, but all I'm seeing is a lot of angry, bitter condemnation of people whose emotional state is stuck in park.

I have no control over what I feel for/about. None of my friends or relatives have any idea what that would be like. *I still don't believe such a thing is really possible,* and I don't blame anyone for feeling badly when they see someone whose appearance makes them feel sad or upset. I blame them for *mistreating* people on that basis, which is what I was referring to just now; mistreatment of someone based on some immutable part of themselves. It is no different from mistreating a person because they hate your favorite TV show, or movie, or love a piece of music you can't stand. These are emotions that *are not able to be altered by them,* and therefore are not misconduct.

I say this, not out of hostility (for once,) but as clarification. I know I probably shouldn't even care by now, but I really think it would be nice if you actually began to understand that not everyone can warp and twist their emotional state like clay. For some of us, it's determined at birth, and it is, at the very least, impolite of you or anyone to get angry at someone for that.

Now, either grasp this simple truth, or don't, but I'll be looking elsewhere.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 29, 2017)

agouderia said:


> The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.
> 
> But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.
> 
> ...



You seem to be implying that the majority of real-life, fat women consider these important considerations, and all I can say is that if numbers are any indication, that's no longer true, if it ever was.

I could go into more detail on why that is, but it would involve a lot of extra stuff about the history of feminism and its relationship to size acceptance, so for now, I'll leave this point where it is.


----------



## dwesterny (Apr 29, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> You seem to be implying that the majority of real-life, fat women consider these important considerations, and all I can say is that if numbers are any indication, that's no longer true, if it ever was.
> 
> I could go into more detail on why that is, but it would involve a lot of extra stuff about the history of feminism and its relationship to size acceptance, so for now, I'll leave this point where it is.


What "numbers" back up your statement that women no longer care about if they are being reduced to just their physical appearance? Is that from the Journal of Shit Twoswords Made Up?

Also you've said multiple times that you could support your whackado positions with philosphy or historical evidence but don't want to bog everyone down by explaining. That's&#8203; such a crock. Why don't you just say "believe me" to support your claims it's just as effective! Believe me!


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 29, 2017)

dwesterny said:


> What "numbers" back up your statement that women no longer care about if they are being reduced to just their physical appearance? Is that from the Journal of Shit Twoswords Made Up?
> 
> Also you've said multiple times that you could support your whackado positions with philosphy or historical evidence but don't want to bog everyone down by explaining. That's&#8203; such a crock. Why don't you just say "believe me" to support your claims it's just as effective! Believe me!



The truth is, for a while, I would post every piece of evidence I found, but I quickly discovered that most people either wouldn't look at the evidence, or would disregard it if they did.

Now, look at what you just wrote. Can you honestly tell me that this angry, condescending reply comes from a person who is ready to put on their specs and spend time studying reports, charts and research? Or would believe any of it if they did?

I don't like to waste my time.


----------



## dwesterny (Apr 29, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> The truth is, for a while, I would post every piece of evidence I found, but I quickly discovered that most people either wouldn't look at the evidence, or would disregard it if they did.
> 
> Now, look at what you just wrote. Can you honestly tell me that this angry, condescending reply comes from a person who is ready to put on their specs and spend time studying reports, charts and research? Or would believe any of it if they did?
> 
> I don't like to waste my time.



Try presenting the evidence and maybe people won't get annoyed and call you out for it. Or maybe you just spew all this pseudo intellectual crap to make selfishness seem noble and justified?


----------



## modraneth (Apr 30, 2017)

agouderia said:


> The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.
> 
> But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.
> 
> ...



I think there is a lot of truth here. I had a long talk with my wife about this and the threads on both sites. She is in the camp of basically not understanding why it matters so much what she looks like. My post was about coming to grips with my feelings and working toward acceptance of this. It wasn't looking for people to basically say, well she should gain weight to save your marriage. That's not on her. This is a problem that is almost entirely on me. I say almost because my wife has said herself that she uses her body as validation for how successful she is. She basically told me that she has to stop doing this. It's one of the reasons why she is hypercritical. My non-acceptance of her change in size has obviously not made this easy.

I think that I was unfair to Dimensions. I felt unnecessarily attacked for having certain feelings, feelings I cannot help but have. I can understand if I had posted wanting my wife to gain for purely selfish reasons, but I am working toward acceptance. But I can also understand, however, women being resentful toward men who put so much emphasis on looks. Women are inundated with images of what is acceptable beauty from a young age. They are told how to look. Men are similarly conditioned to want this acceptable beauty. The responses to both threads I posted are telling. Men are more interested in the physical aspects- more drawn to them seemingly (not in all cases but this seems to be the norm). This seems to be how men are wired. 

In any case, the advice I have received is well taken. I don't want to be dominated by my preference. I don't want to be the person who isn't happy because his wife isn't a certain way because ultimately that is going to be make us both miserable. I want to love her as she is. This is a size acceptance site, but I failed to accept my wife the same way society frowns upon both obesity and ultra-thinness. I won't get into a skinny shaming debate, but my wife has dealt with more judgment from with regard to her body now than when she was 145 lbs. Anyway, thanks again. I think we'll be OK.


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 30, 2017)

modraneth said:


> Men are more interested in the physical aspects- more drawn to them seemingly (not in all cases but this seems to be the norm). This seems to be how men are wired.



I think that's right.



modraneth said:


> I don't want to be the person who isn't happy because his wife isn't a certain way because ultimately that is going to be make us both miserable.



I don't think anyone *wants* to be unhappy for any reason. At least I know I don't.



modraneth said:


> Anyway, thanks again. I think we'll be OK.



Yes. It sounds like you will be.


----------



## landshark (Apr 30, 2017)

agouderia said:


> The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.
> 
> But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.
> 
> ...



This is a good observation and very similar to one GEF made elsewhere recently.

Early on as I was coming out with my preference for fat women I made the mistake of thinking they'd find my preference endearing. What I failed to realize is fat women don't want to be treated like fat women: they want to be treated like women. There was never any need for me to deliberately express my admiration for a certain feature on her body, tell her how excited the size of it was, etc. She already knew anyway. They wanted me to love them the person, not a body part or characteristic. Thankfully I figured this out eventually, but not before some embarrassing moments.:doh:

I think a lot of FA's make the same mistake I made back when I was still new to dating fat women. They run the risk of being dismissed as a fetishist who may claim to enjoy fat women, but will do so only privately. I've gotten in trouble here for before for making a distinction between a fat fetish and preference even though I make no values judgment one way or the other about either. I only raise this point because in this setting, if a woman suspects one has a fetish it may well trigger the defense mechanisms and you can kiss goodbye any shot of getting to know her better. Ask me how I know.

Now obviously the more you get to know someone the more you can say and express. This is one of the reasons I like being married so much. I can make comments about my wife's body, her size, shape, etc and because I have the time investment in her I don't get shut down. As I've said repeatedly: She doesn't like her weight, but she knows I do and since I'm not going elsewhere to express/show love she doesn't dismiss my admiration for her as patronizing. She used to, but that has changed. She even seems to enjoy it in certain situations. And ultimately she knows this: if she lost weight my attitude toward her wouldn't change. I'd be her biggest supporter and she knows it. 

I honestly think OP is in tune with this and looking for the right balance of emotions, support, personal preference, and loyalty to his wife. It's tough, but I won't be hard on him because I legitimately believe he's trying. 

Here's that post GEF made. It speaks to the equivalency between men who pressure their wives when they gain weight (we consider these men to be assholes) but they're really no different than men who pressure their wives to stay fat or actively gain. A lot of FAs tend to be soft on those men due to common interests but it's really not different than men who nag at their fat wives to lose weight:

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2209183&postcount=21


----------



## TwoSwords (Apr 30, 2017)

happily_married said:


> And ultimately she knows this: if she lost weight my attitude toward her wouldn't change. I'd be her biggest supporter and she knows it.



As I've said before, I couldn't be happier for you, that you have this enviable power. It sounds like the OP does as well, given what he said in his last two replies.



happily_married said:


> ...men who pressure their wives to stay fat or actively gain.



If any form of pressure were involved, it would be a rather one-sided relationship.


----------



## jakub (May 7, 2017)

Kristal said:


> IMHO : If you really love that person, you will love their body regardless of their size.



So I have a little question, what if that person switch gender, you will be in love and ready for sex  ?







I just love reading you people, your briliant ideas and projections of ideal life ;-)


----------



## AmandaLynn (May 7, 2017)

I see this thread keeps getting more intelligent.


----------



## wrestlingguy (May 7, 2017)

jakub said:


> So I have a little question, what if that person switch gender, you will be in love and ready for sex  ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




*Actually, IF you are truly in love, you'd likely have known well beforehand about your loved one's desires to change genders. Additionally, IF you LOVE them, you'd love them with those changes.

I feel sorry for those of you who have yet to experience what real love is like.* 

View attachment 1okxkb.jpg


----------



## Kristal (May 7, 2017)

I am a Biromantic Asexual and I did not link Love and Sex in my post.


----------



## TwoSwords (May 7, 2017)

wrestlingguy said:


> Actually, IF you are truly in love, you'd likely have known well beforehand about your loved one's desires to change genders.



You mean that actually being in love implies that both are honest with each other about what they want in life, and willing to share their desires with each other? I've always seen it that way, but I want to be sure that's what you're saying.

Also, the desire to change into something you can no longer appreciate should be a turn-off for anyone, or did you not mean to imply that?



wrestlingguy said:


> Additionally, IF you LOVE them, you'd love them with those changes.



I've known girls who lost weight on me, and I still loved them afterwards... I just didn't like what was happening to them, and what it said about them as people; that their aesthetics were incompatible with mine.



wrestlingguy said:


> I feel sorry for those of you who have yet to experience what real love is like.



'Tis better to have loved and lost, eh?


----------



## jakub (May 7, 2017)

wrestlingguy said:


> I feel sorry for those of you who have yet to experience what real love is like.



REAL knowledge and REAL love is reserved for chosen ones, enlightened by touch of Xenu from Galactic Confederacy. You are so mature and experienced - I envy you !



wrestlingguy said:


> Actually, IF you are truly in love, you'd likely have known well beforehand a



Until now I didnt know that "being truly in love" is connected with precognition (or other supernatural powers)


----------



## wrestlingguy (May 7, 2017)

jakub said:


> REAL knowledge and REAL love is reserved for chosen ones, enlightened by touch of Xenu from Galactic Confederacy. You are so mature and experienced - I envy you !
> 
> 
> Until now I didnt know that "being truly in love" is connected with precognition (or other supernatural powers)



I'm truly glad to be of help, perhaps you could enlighten me with regard to lust & what it means to you, as maybe I could use a little help with that.


----------



## Kristal (May 7, 2017)

wrestlingguy said:


> I wrote this in my blog back in 2012 (I won't link it because I think it's agains the rules), but reading this thread reminded me of it, so I had to go back to refresh my memory to see if it was relevant to this thread, and I believe it somewhat is.
> 
> 
> 
> I think that women have a much better ability to connect lust & love, whereas men like to keep it separate. Years ago, I'd make a judgment call on that, saying that men should try harder (and really they should), but I also realize that it took a long time to get me to that point, and perhaps some men aren't in the same place in their journey as I am. I do know that my fiancee is going to be undergoing bariatric surgery soon, and for me, nothing will change, definitely not our sex life. She's hot to me for who she is, as much as how she looks.



What a wonderful story. So very well put.


----------



## wrestlingguy (May 7, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> You mean that actually being in love implies that both are honest with each other about what they want in life, and willing to share their desires with each other? I've always seen it that way, but I want to be sure that's what you're saying.
> 
> Also, the desire to change into something you can no longer appreciate should be a turn-off for anyone, or did you not mean to imply that?
> 
> ...



FWIW, I think people generally all strive to "do better", and change comes as a result of that. For me, I've been in relationships where the other person wanted to lose weight. For me, our bodies are the containers we come in. If they thought that losing weight was for their improvement in some way, I was for it. I guess I should add that I've been in really good relationships with women who wore a size zero, to women who weighed over 450. For me (not saying everyone needs or should feel the way I do), while I have a preference for fat women, it isn't a deal breaker if they aren't.

I've been lucky that most of my relationships have been love based. Again, not putting anyone down by saying that I feel sorry for those who haven't experienced a true, loving relationship. I'm just saying that while sex in and of itself is incredible, I think that sex within a loving relationship is unequaled. More important, there are so many other great aspects of a loving relationship over and above the sex that the sex (for me at least) is enhanced because of them.

And your final point about loving & losing......maybe it's better to have loved and lost (which has happened to me on multiple occasions), but I also think it helps to set a high bar for future relationships, which is good in a lot of ways.


----------



## JustinDulge (May 7, 2017)

I'm usually a shy occasional lurker on these forums, but I'm compelled to comment because I'm dealing with a similar situation and it's making me feel bad about myself. I'm actually really glad someone posted about this.

My own ex-cheerleader wife is over 400 lbs now and, if I don't say so myself, she's a feeder's dream come true. She's beautiful and SO MUCH BETTER than anything I could have fantasized about when I first started coming to Dimensions in 2004.

Now she needs to lose weight so that we can have kids and so that she doesn't have serious knee or other problems going forward. I knew in the back of my head that this day would come, but I never really figured out how to mentally prepare for it. I want kids, and I want her to be healthy and happy. But that means that I need to shift my mindset toward intimacy in a way that's akin to breaking a really bad habit. Even though there's 4754835 things about her that I consider hot and sexy, they were still satellites orbiting the weight gain concept when it came time to make love, and I'm scared I won't be as good in bed as we want and she deserves because I'm so used to thinking about weight gain.

I think me and the OP are dealing with something similar: we LOVE our wives, we want the best for them AND us, but we're having trouble shifting our mindsets and expanding our horizons so that we can be as intimate as we should be and want to be. I don't feel at all like my wife is betraying me with wanting to lose weight - rather, *I* feel like I'm betraying *HER* by being so difficult to go with the flow. I need a way to let go of those feelings and let my intimacy evolve.

WrestlingGuy hit the nail on the head with his point of loving a person over a fetish. I love my wife like crazy and she is my best friend - now I just want my lovemaking to be evidence of that regardless of the changes in her size and my anxiety is getting the best of me when I try to do this.

Any further advice from someone that's experienced getting over this hurdle that's not "go see a therapist" would be greatly appreciated. God I hope I got my message across the right way. Thanks for reading this and being honest and considerate.

JD


----------



## landshark (May 7, 2017)

JustinDulge said:


> Any further advice from someone that's experienced getting over this hurdle that's not "go see a therapist" would be greatly appreciated. God I hope I got my message across the right way. Thanks for reading this and being honest and considerate.
> 
> JD



I think you did just fine explaining yourself.

Here's the thing: you love your wife and that's a good starting point. You want her to be happy and healthy and be able to carry children, and so on and so forth. My suggestion is this: TALK TO HER! Seriously, if you are nervous about her weight loss efforts then talk to her about it. 

But honestly I think if you genuinely love her and she's genuinely happy with her progress you'll be fine. A few years ago my wife steadily dropped from ~335 down to 206. I hope this doesn't sound cliche, but seeing her happy was more than enough for me to put aside my own personal preference. Now all the weight is back (and then some) and I'm still happy. And if she turned it around again I'd be happy still. It's the person who makes me happy, the weight is secondary. 

You may surprise yourself by how able to support her you are. Give it a shot. But if you're worried, tell her. Let her know her preferences and needs are important to you, but that you wouldn't change a thing about her if you had the final say, and that as she changes you're willing to change too but like her, you're going to need patience and understanding.

I hope this helps. Best wishes. Oh, and one last thing: when my wife lost weight, her figure was enhanced. She already had a small(ish) waist for a 330+ pound woman combined with a nice big butt. When she lost weight she lost more in her waist than her butt. Now here's the best part: when she gained all that weight back, her proportions were better. Her figure at ~365 now is far better than it was at ~335. Just a fun fact for you.


----------



## TwoSwords (May 7, 2017)

wrestlingguy said:


> FWIW, I think people generally all strive to "do better", and change comes as a result of that.



I think this *is* the main reason people try to change, though some people, sadly, no longer make the attempt to improve. Mostly, when I have a problem with someone, it's because I disagree with their understanding of an "improvement."



wrestlingguy said:


> For me, I've been in relationships where the other person wanted to lose weight. For me, our bodies are the containers we come in. If they thought that losing weight was for their improvement in some way, I was for it.



To me, the body is fully half of my identity as a person. I'm not pure spirit (yet) possessing my body like a ghost. It's a part of me; the only part of me that has "parts" properly-speaking.

In a way, I envy your ability in this area. It might make my life easier if I could do the same, but my feelings about aesthetics are much too strong and firmly-established to bend in this area. While I, too, can imagine myself in a relationship with someone who is losing weight, that only goes to a point, and if her desire were to be thin, in any sense, then her aesthetics would conflict much too sharply with mine, and any relationship between us would be unsympathetic at the very least, and that's just not what I'm looking for, nor, when you get down to it, do I think *she* should settle for that either.



wrestlingguy said:


> For me (not saying everyone needs or should feel the way I do), while I have a preference for fat women, it isn't a deal breaker if they aren't.



The truth is, I've always seen fatness as prettier than thinness, ever since I was a child; sometimes aggressively so, in response to the uniform message of the culture. For that reason, while I *can* imagine myself in a relationship with a thin woman, at least in theory, I can *never* imagine myself in a relationship with someone who doesn't grasp the value of fatness. This aesthetic is much too close to my core. People tend to creep me out if they overtly go against it, meaning that I shy away from them, and deeper relationships (even friendships) just don't develop with them. I think this is partly because I'm worried that if I get too close to them, they'll end up hurting my feelings by accident.

For instance, there's someone in my workplace who I've been avoiding for literally months, ever since she spooked me by remarking that she thought I'd lost weight. I don't wish harm on her, or even dislike her in other ways, but I don't want to put myself in that kind of situation if it can be helped. That's what I mean when I say people's aesthetics can just be incompatible. Right now, that's where I am.



wrestlingguy said:


> And your final point about loving & losing......maybe it's better to have loved and lost (which has happened to me on multiple occasions), but I also think it helps to set a high bar for future relationships, which is good in a lot of ways.



Oh, believe me; I have about four such bars, only one of which is even partly physical in nature.

Also, I guess I'm still not 100% sure whether you think people in love will be fully honest and open with each other. I think they have to be, or you can't love the person, due to not really knowing who they are. This is why I went into some detail about my own experiences and the barriers I'm faced with socially. It feels like every month, I see some depressing article about how so-and-so lost weight, or Miss Blahblah, who'd previously seemed proud to be fat, has made a documentary about how she changed her mind, and so did all her buddies, and now they're determined to be thin, or how Mrs. Nwh, after years of being fat, lost hundreds of pounds on a whim, then dropped dead almost immediately afterwards. I want to know if love, in your mind, safeguards people against these kinds of deceptions and misleading impressions of one another. I always try to be open and honest with people, and not be afraid of what they'll think of me. Do couples in love still have to worry about this, or does their love for each other give them stronger reasons to behave honestly and keep their word?


----------



## quantumbits (Jun 4, 2017)

I think there's this odd thign happens when I see woman and consider a relationship. I always either look at he skinniest or the fattest and that's who I think would be best. Why? Because appearance takes a backseat. I'll choose the uglier one. I'll choose the one makes me look past her appearance. It forces me to see the person, not the body.

EDIT: When it comes to fat fetish, think I'm on the lower end. Slightly above average BMI for americans.


----------



## TwoSwords (Jun 4, 2017)

quantumbits said:


> I think there's this odd thign happens when I see woman and consider a relationship. I always either look at he skinniest or the fattest and that's who I think would be best. Why? Because appearance takes a backseat. I'll choose the uglier one. I'll choose the one makes me look past her appearance. It forces me to see the person, not the body.



That's curious, alright. Don't get me wrong; if I like someone, I spend time sharing (or at least trying to share) hobbies with them, experiences, learn as much as I can through penetrating, yet subtle questions about their lives, and from their answers, and their behavior after this, I can deduce a lot about who they are on the inside.

The problem is that if we're talking about a romantic relationship, that's going to have to involve some kind of physical contact at some point, and though I regularly hug my thinner relatives, I always do so through secretly-gritted teeth. Let's just say that the experience would be an immediate and total turn-off, even if the person were my best friend.

I'm curious. Do your feelings about a person actually change while you spend time with them? This rarely happens to me (basically only when I learn about some quality of theirs that I was previously ignorant of,) and I'd be interested in learning more about how this phenomena effects others.


----------



## khrestel (Jun 23, 2017)

There's been posts telling people have been able to support shrinking wifes because seeing them happy makes up for the possible loss in appearance. Women often tend to feel more attractive and for many that leads to more sexually active after loosing weight if they've been unhappy to begin with. Also getting rid of some health problems might boost their sex drive. It's easy to see how that makes up for lost weight even for a well seasoned FA if the loss doesn't otherwise change the said person too much.

But what if one doesn't get a happier wife? 

In my case, all my husband got was a wife who isn't enjoying anything anymore. Ugly woman with loads of loose skin who isn't able to feel the least bit attractive. Which means no sex. A wife who's never home cause she has to live at gym. Woman who carries her own salad to social functions because there's still 25 lbs to loose to make doctors happy (the same 25 lbs that have been there for almost two years so those salads aren't effective). I've changed and not the least bit to "happy" direction. So if my husband happened to be a poor FA who'd be forced to watch his beloved curves melt away the same time the person he loves becomes uptight, obsessed and unhappy... I'd easily understand if he was here complaining. I would gladly divorce myself if it was possible. I hate not being able to get turned on by anything anymore.

In OP's case change isn't as drastic but it seems there isn't any upsides to make up for the losses. It won't necessarily get any easier if you wife doesn't learn to enjoy herself in a way or another.


----------



## wrestlingguy (Jun 23, 2017)

khrestel said:


> There's been posts telling people have been able to support shrinking wifes because seeing them happy makes up for the possible loss in appearance. Women often tend to feel more attractive and for many that leads to more sexually active after loosing weight if they've been unhappy to begin with. Also getting rid of some health problems might boost their sex drive. It's easy to see how that makes up for lost weight even for a well seasoned FA if the loss doesn't otherwise change the said person too much.
> 
> But what if one doesn't get a happier wife?
> 
> ...



First, I'm sorry to hear that you're unhappy, and not enjoying anything. 

I always wonder how many people diet or get weight loss surgery because of pressure from those close to them. While I'm not saying that it's happened in your case, I do know people who have done so, and ended up unhappy not only with their personal appearance after significant weight loss, but because their partner no longer found them attractive.

So may I ask, have you also spoken with others who feel the same way you do?

I've had several partners who have undergone WLS, or have lost a lot of weight due to dieting. While I posted previously about this, the fact that it's not an issue for me isn't something that simply came naturally.

I think it was a process of personal growth for me. I can't say I was always able to do that, and there were some hard lessons that brought me there. 

Hopefully with time everyone will come to see that while our initial attraction to people is what bring us together, it should be who we are that keeps us together. It's really helped me in my current relationship, and I consider myself blessed to have reached a point in my life where love trumps lust in my relationship.


----------



## TwoSwords (Jun 23, 2017)

khrestel said:


> There's been posts telling people have been able to support shrinking wifes because seeing them happy makes up for the possible loss in appearance. Women often tend to feel more attractive and for many that leads to more sexually active after loosing weight if they've been unhappy to begin with. Also getting rid of some health problems might boost their sex drive. It's easy to see how that makes up for lost weight even for a well seasoned FA if the loss doesn't otherwise change the said person too much.



Well, for the FA, these are emotional considerations. Appreciation of appearance, or appreciation of happiness, or even sharing in the happiness of another person can all be positive emotional factors, and their strength, as emotions, will be mainly person-relative.

However, to some FAs, the loss may be more devastating. He might not be able to appreciate her physical beauty anymore, and might feel hesitation over every instance of physical contact with her from that point on. Worse yet, he might feel alienated, as his wife derives enjoyment from the very thing that makes him feel empty.

In such situations, having a wife who is miserable over *still not losing enough weight,* in her estimation, would be almost as alienating, because he would know that her misery is incompatible with his. but in the times of his greatest sadness, he might be able to pretend that she feels such anxiety, not because she can't distress him more, but because she too is unhappy with how things have turned out. He might at least imagine that they could have a common sorrow to share.

Believe me; the impact of finding someone who has a beauty that's not seen once in a thousand people, then learning that she can never appreciate it as you do is a nightmare I've experienced many times in my life, and I just have to walk away and let it play itself out. I hope such people will be happy, even if I can't share in that happiness.



wrestlingguy said:


> Hopefully with time everyone will come to see that while our initial attraction to people is what bring us together, it should be who we are that keeps us together. It's really helped me in my current relationship, and I consider myself blessed to have reached a point in my life where love trumps lust in my relationship.



Attraction isn't everything. Sympathy and common motives matter more. I would have an easier time dealing with a fellow FA, even if they were thin themselves.


----------



## khrestel (Jun 24, 2017)

wrestlingguy said:


> I always wonder how many people diet or get weight loss surgery because of pressure from those close to them. While I'm not saying that it's happened in your case, I do know people who have done so, and ended up unhappy not only with their personal appearance after significant weight loss, but because their partner no longer found them attractive.
> 
> So may I ask, have you also spoken with others who feel the same way you do?



I dieted for doctors who tried to force me to have WLS so it was pressured for sure. My partner never appreciated my larger form, I'm the FA in this family, so in this particular case I don't know if we're both as displeased with my appearance as I am. 

I've never spoken with others who feel the same as I simply because I've never met anyone who wouldn't rave about the wondefulnes of their weight loss.


----------



## quantumbits (Aug 21, 2017)

These kinds of posts make me sad. I know we shouldn't care how someone looks. It shouldn't matter. But that's why I've always felt guilty being more sexually attracted to thicc or heavier girls. I want to see everyone as equally attractive. I've had crushes for all types of girls, but sexually they're not equal. I grew up christian. I'm not a christian now, but I still believe in doing the right thing and trying to avoid indulgences. That's what bigger girls are to me, an indulgence. It's selfish.

I think as we get older we learn to dedicate ourselves to others, not ourselves. When you look at all the people who live a long time, they're usually not selfish. They work hard and they don't complain about small things.

What's important? Appearance is not important, unless it's impeding your health. Maybe if you start to think about appearance, it's time to look at yourself, at what you're doing, at your values. What important things are you doing?


----------



## TwoSwords (Aug 28, 2017)

quantumbits said:


> These kinds of posts make me sad. I know we shouldn't care how someone looks. It shouldn't matter. But that's why I've always felt guilty being more sexually attracted to thicc or heavier girls. I want to see everyone as equally attractive. I've had crushes for all types of girls, but sexually they're not equal. I grew up christian. I'm not a christian now, but I still believe in doing the right thing and trying to avoid indulgences. That's what bigger girls are to me, an indulgence. It's selfish.



For me, it doesn't end there. It's not enough to recognize that your motives have elements of selfishness to them. You also need some equally-strong motive for continuing on, without your desire, or you'll be prone to strong temptations that will get the better of you. I'm at the point in my life where seeing fat girls is like a breath of fresh air; a relief, a joy, and an inspiration in my work, but aside from the possibility of a better afterlife, with more of the things I like and care about in it, I have no other strong motive, which is comparable to that. There just isn't anything else that I care about that much.

Keep in mind, I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who has spent his whole life loving things that others hate, and there's frequently no point of common interest; no area where I think we share enough in common that my help will be accepted or desired. The only exception is with charitable donations, where those people don't need to actually know me in order to benefit from my actions. Aside from that, what others consider a good deed, I would often think of as a horrible crime.



quantumbits said:


> I think as we get older we learn to dedicate ourselves to others, not ourselves. When you look at all the people who live a long time, they're usually not selfish. They work hard and they don't complain about small things.



My muse is not, and cannot be a small thing. It's too central and too important.



quantumbits said:


> What's important? Appearance is not important, unless it's impeding your health. Maybe if you start to think about appearance, it's time to look at yourself, at what you're doing, at your values. What important things are you doing?



Sympathy matters more to me than appearance, in a relationship sense, but that's not available either. Also, it's not just about appearance. Shape, texture, softness, etc, are all things that are different from how they appear, and all are part of my only strong motivation in this life. I can look at my values all I want (and I do, on a frequent basis,) but none of that will make me happy when confronted by the fact that none of what I want is compatible with what this transitory, secular, sinful, thin world offers.


----------



## Super Fan (Aug 29, 2017)

Modraneth, OMG that is a bad situation, but it is a far better situation than if she was in a car wreck & fire and lost one arm both legs and half her face and looked like the worst nightmare imaginable. Sometimes if you know how much worse it can be, the severe tragedy that actually happened seems better. You could tell her the truth, "Yes your terrifyingly horrible weight loss is a huge turn off and a sexual tragedy, but I thank God you didn't get even more horrifically messed up in a bad car crash with a fire."


----------



## jakub (Aug 31, 2017)

quantumbits said:


> I know we shouldn't care how someone looks. It shouldn't matter.



Who said that? This is pure BS.


----------



## quantumbits (Sep 2, 2017)

jakub said:


> Who said that? This is pure BS.


We shouldn't because beauty is skin deep. And my comment is regarding the OP. If you were with your special someone for several years, after making a vow to be with her through bad and good, and she lost so much weight she's skinny, would you stay with her, or would you be honest with her? If you love her, you'll not sweat small stuff. You'll not hide thoughts.

Some wives have dealt with transvestite husbands (go to 3:20 for great example):
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2DHVPUcJ4s[/ame]

Love is powerful. A husband coming out as transgender, after decades of silence:
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QyH9P4zJak[/ame]


----------



## TwoSwords (Oct 17, 2017)

quantumbits said:


> We shouldn't because beauty is skin deep. And my comment is regarding the OP. If you were with your special someone for several years, after making a vow to be with her through bad and good, and she lost so much weight she's skinny, would you stay with her, or would you be honest with her? If you love her, you'll not sweat small stuff. You'll not hide thoughts.



I wouldn't abandon her, because I want to keep my word, but as I've said before, I would be inconsolable, because the whole of my passion is bound up in that type of contact, so the only way we could find commonalities at that point would be by mourning her loss together.


----------



## choudhury (Oct 17, 2017)

I'm gonna take a heretical view here. Sex is great and all, but I don't think it's the essence of a life-long committed relationship. It's more like the cherry on top of the sundae. I've come to feel this more and more strongly as I've gotten older and my wife and I have gone through long stretches of 'low libido' due to fatigue, work stresses, etc.. I know we're conditioned to think of 'a healthy sex life' as the sine qua non of being a happy person and a happy relationship. But this is a relatively recent notion in the culture, and one partly promulgated by a whole army of sex therapists and counsellors interested in imposing 'norms' on everyone, which they can then 'help' us to live up to. 

So if my life partner had to have WLS due to absolutely unavoidable health reasons (say), or just lost a ton of weight, I'd be fully supportive. Yes, it would impact our sex lives, probably - at least until I could make the mental adjustment, whatever that might involve. I'd also, I imagine, have a duty to provide as much sexual satisfaction to her as I could, within the context of those limitations. But I'd hope that the change would not destroy the deeper foundations of the relationship.


----------



## TwoSwords (Oct 17, 2017)

choudhury said:


> I'm gonna take a heretical view here. Sex is great and all, but I don't think it's the essence of a life-long committed relationship. It's more like the cherry on top of the sundae. I've come to feel this more and more strongly as I've gotten older and my wife and I have gone through long stretches of 'low libido' due to fatigue, work stresses, etc.. I know we're conditioned to think of 'a healthy sex life' as the sine qua non of being a happy person and a happy relationship. But this is a relatively recent notion in the culture, and one partly promulgated by a whole army of sex therapists and counsellors interested in imposing 'norms' on everyone, which they can then 'help' us to live up to.



This in spades. Happiness does not consist of sex, and sex is not the end all and be all of a relationship.



choudhury said:


> So if my life partner had to have WLS due to absolutely unavoidable health reasons (say), or just lost a ton of weight, I'd be fully supportive. Yes, it would impact our sex lives, probably - at least until I could make the mental adjustment, whatever that might involve. I'd also, I imagine, have a duty to provide as much sexual satisfaction to her as I could, within the context of those limitations. But I'd hope that the change would not destroy the deeper foundations of the relationship.



That depends what those deeper foundations are. I can agree with your entire first paragraph, and still say that for me, fatness is something that goes far beyond sex, and even beyond transitory joys as a whole. If a person simply doesn't feel they can express themselves fully in the relationship anymore, that's a much greater type of damage than just not feeling attracted to someone physically.

I've mentioned this before, but my worst nightmare is to be married to someone who later changes her mind and decides to lose weight, enjoying the change in the process. This is because such a change, of both body *and motive* would leave nothing for me to sympathize with, and my opportunities for self-expression in the context of the relationship would be gone.

Of course, you still keep your word to people. That goes beyond even emotional considerations, into the realm of ethics and free will; our highest aspect as people, but no matter how much you may choose to do right by someone, sometimes, it just can't heal the damage.


----------



## choudhury (Oct 18, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> This in spades. Happiness does not consist of sex, and sex is not the end all and be all of a relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



That's a fair distinction. In my case, FA-ness is essentially a sexual preference, not especially part of my wider identity beyond that. I'm not locked into a real-life fat acceptance community (but rather just enjoy dipping in and out of online discussion), haven't built my friendships and 'self-expression' around it, and as for my relationship with my wife, her fatness and my enjoyment of it are definitely central to the sexual attraction but not a defining attribute of the relationship outside the bedroom. I could see where someone for whom FA-ness and fat are an entire way of life, and where a relationship is essentially rooted in that way of life, having a partner go slim could really be a blow to its entire underpinnings.


----------



## TwoSwords (Oct 18, 2017)

choudhury said:


> That's a fair distinction. In my case, FA-ness is essentially a sexual preference, not especially part of my wider identity beyond that. I'm not locked into a real-life fat acceptance community (but rather just enjoy dipping in and out of online discussion), haven't built my friendships and 'self-expression' around it, and as for my relationship with my wife, her fatness and my enjoyment of it are definitely central to the sexual attraction but not a defining attribute of the relationship outside the bedroom. I could see where someone for whom FA-ness and fat are an entire way of life, and where a relationship is essentially rooted in that way of life, having a partner go slim could really be a blow to its entire underpinnings.



Yeah. It's like if Shakespeare's wife suddenly decided to start hating theater.


----------



## HeidiRayson (Dec 21, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> I'm curious. Do your feelings about a person actually change while you spend time with them? This rarely happens to me (basically only when I learn about some quality of theirs that I was previously ignorant of,) and I'd be interested in learning more about how this phenomena effects others.



I know it's something of a deviation from the original post, but I hope nobody minds me replying to this question.

In my case, sexual attraction is very much bound to attraction to the person. Sure, there's a separate, surface attraction where I can think someone is nice to look at, but that's not a sexual thing for me: it's an aesthetic thing - my eyes enjoy the experience of looking at the person. Sexual attraction, for me, comes with getting to know the person and finding out that they're someone whose core person attracts me; I've had various relationships where I haven't thought someone was remotely physically attractive when I first met them, but by the time I've got to know them, I'm deeply physically attracted to them.

My husband was like that - he was around 105lbs (at 5'9") when we met, had crazy mad-scientist hair and a nose that looked far too big for his face, so he's not someone I'd have looked at and thought "yeah, you're gorgeous". However, I fell in love with who he is as a person and then one day I realised I'd also fallen in love with his body, and now found him physically attractive. Admittedly, I found him even more physically attractive once he finally managed to gain some weight (this didn't happen until he was in his 30s, and we've been together since we were 18), but the fact remains that the original physical attraction happened while he was still nothing like the 'type' of person I'd immediately go for.

One other point that's nothing to do with replying to TwoSwords, but rather an observation on a lot of the other comments in this thread (and actually TwoSwords has already made a similar observation) - people seem to be thinking of this as being an issue of appearance, but my own experience with arousal is that it's far more physical than that. Yes, there's some level of arousal that will come from appearance, but a lot of it comes from how the person feels in your arms and in many ways that's likely to be a harder one to deal with. After all, if it was just about vision, you could probably focus solely on the eyes, which won't have changed appreciably with the weight loss, but if you like a soft body against you, and you're in bed with someone hard and bony, that's going to be a challenge.

My husband has very little fat (I said he'd gained some weight but he's still a 32" waist), so I focus my fingers on the bits where he does have some softness - the backs of his hips (there's not enough there to be a proper love-handle but there's at least something I can grab now), his butt and his (tiny) belly. Perhaps if there's any areas of softness on the OP's wives, they can make the most of that?


----------



## TwoSwords (Dec 21, 2017)

HeidiRayson said:


> In my case, sexual attraction is very much bound to attraction to the person. Sure, there's a separate, surface attraction where I can think someone is nice to look at, but that's not a sexual thing for me: it's an aesthetic thing - my eyes enjoy the experience of looking at the person. Sexual attraction, for me, comes with getting to know the person and finding out that they're someone whose core person attracts me; I've had various relationships where I haven't thought someone was remotely physically attractive when I first met them, but by the time I've got to know them, I'm deeply physically attracted to them.



That'd be kind of nice to be able to do that. For me, both sexual and aesthetic attraction are independent of my appreciation of a person's deeper qualities, though the latter can certainly override the former in terms of turning me off to a person. What they can't do is make me feel attracted to someone who I don't aesthetically sync with.



HeidiRayson said:


> My husband was like that - he was around 105lbs (at 5'9") when we met, had crazy mad-scientist hair and a nose that looked far too big for his face, so he's not someone I'd have looked at and thought "yeah, you're gorgeous". However, I fell in love with who he is as a person and then one day I realised I'd also fallen in love with his body, and now found him physically attractive. Admittedly, I found him even more physically attractive once he finally managed to gain some weight (this didn't happen until he was in his 30s, and we've been together since we were 18), but the fact remains that the original physical attraction happened while he was still nothing like the 'type' of person I'd immediately go for.



Difficult for me to understand how it works, but it's still a sweet story, and I'm so happy for you.



HeidiRayson said:


> One other point that's nothing to do with replying to TwoSwords, but rather an observation on a lot of the other comments in this thread (and actually TwoSwords has already made a similar observation) - people seem to be thinking of this as being an issue of appearance, but my own experience with arousal is that it's far more physical than that. Yes, there's some level of arousal that will come from appearance, but a lot of it comes from how the person feels in your arms and in many ways that's likely to be a harder one to deal with. After all, if it was just about vision, you could probably focus solely on the eyes, which won't have changed appreciably with the weight loss, but if you like a soft body against you, and you're in bed with someone hard and bony, that's going to be a challenge.



Yup. In terms of sexual attraction, that is certainly an issue. I also mentioned how hostility towards being fat can itself be an interpersonal obstacle, and spawn deep-seated disagreements that may make it harder for two people to get along.



HeidiRayson said:


> My husband has very little fat (I said he'd gained some weight but he's still a 32" waist), so I focus my fingers on the bits where he does have some softness - the backs of his hips (there's not enough there to be a proper love-handle but there's at least something I can grab now), his butt and his (tiny) belly. Perhaps if there's any areas of softness on the OP's wives, they can make the most of that?



That's the best advice I could give, if she's not able/willing to gain any weight back.


----------



## landshark (Jan 7, 2018)

I think my wife is on the brink of being ready to trying to lose weight again. She put in on over the holidays and now seems ready to reverse course. Well see what happens.


----------



## Never2fat4me (Jan 24, 2018)

choudhury said:


> I'm gonna take a heretical view here. Sex is great and all, but I don't think it's the essence of a life-long committed relationship. It's more like the cherry on top of the sundae.



While I certainly agree sex is not the "essence of a life-long committed relationship", I think you are underestimating its importance. If it was merely the cherry on top of the sundae, having the cherry on top of someone else's sundae - i.e., sex with someone other than your partner - would not be such a big deal. That is the quickest way to kill a marriage, and it is because sex is such a big and complex part of the relationship.

Sexual attraction is a big part of the relationship, particularly for men. For many of us, that is the first step in entering a relationship (i.e., we saw a woman whom we thought was cute and then decided we wanted to get to know her better). Men are simply more visually stimulated. Just think about the different porn out there: for women, it is the Harlequin romance novel - or Fifty Shades of Grey, etc. - while for men it is Playboy or cam shows, etc. To recognize its importance is not to diminish the more important elements - for example, I would much rather have a wife whom I love in spite of her looks than only because of them - and OP is not unjustified in mourning the "loss" of his fatter wife. As he says, he will love her just as much, but there is something gone that he fairly misses (or will miss - not sure where she is at in her weight loss journey) and we need to be more supportive than critical (not suggesting you are being critical; just that a lot of posts have) of him in that.

- Chris


----------



## TwoSwords (Jan 24, 2018)

Never2fat4me said:


> While I certainly agree sex is not the "essence of a life-long committed relationship", I think you are underestimating its importance. If it was merely the cherry on top of the sundae, having the cherry on top of someone else's sundae - i.e., sex with someone other than your partner - would not be such a big deal. That is the quickest way to kill a marriage, and it is because sex is such a big and complex part of the relationship.
> 
> Sexual attraction is a big part of the relationship, particularly for men. For many of us, that is the first step in entering a relationship (i.e., we saw a woman whom we thought was cute and then decided we wanted to get to know her better). Men are simply more visually stimulated. Just think about the different porn out there: for women, it is the Harlequin romance novel - or Fifty Shades of Grey, etc. - while for men it is Playboy or cam shows, etc. To recognize its importance is not to diminish the more important elements - for example, I would much rather have a wife whom I love in spite of her looks than only because of them - and OP is not unjustified in mourning the "loss" of his fatter wife. As he says, he will love her just as much, but there is something gone that he fairly misses (or will miss - not sure where she is at in her weight loss journey) and we need to be more supportive than critical (not suggesting you are being critical; just that a lot of posts have) of him in that.
> 
> - Chris



And as I think I've demonstrated, it doesn't fix big interpersonal issues, even if you *don't* focus on sex.

Honestly, I think a lot of the complaints stem from a sort of "he'd be perfect, if he would just change this one thing" mentality, but no matter what, you can't change other people, and a truism like that seems to be a hard sell these days. There comes a point where you just need to make the hard choice about whether those imperfections are worth giving up the upsides of the relationship for.

(Though if you're already married, that ship has kind of sailed.)


----------



## Rahul123 (Jan 25, 2018)

I think this is the best option where we speak confidently about all cases of dimensions


----------

