# Dealing with Depression



## FuzzyNavel (Mar 11, 2010)

On an off my entire life I have dealt with depression. I have tried a myriad of drugs starting as early as the 90's. The meds did not work with me, if anything they made things worse causing psychotic episodes etc. Dr.s even went so far as to try anti-seizure meds with me. Again, nothing worked. Over the years I have learned to channel these moments of imbalance into other things. My artwork, my writing, heavy metal music, working out etc. I have also used a therapist to help me out off an on over the years. Although recently I have gone through some dramatic life changes/tragedies. 3 years ago I lost a dear friend, last year my mother became gravely ill and I recently lost her in Nov. My mother was my best friend, my soul mate. I know some people use that term when talking about a spouse but my mom was the most important thing in the world too me. Even after I got married she lived with me. Throughout my childhood she was my shield and my armor, my heart and soul. I have no other family.

I have been handeling things pretty well. Although I am beginning to wonder if I am falling apart. I can no longer do art work, write, or find any kind of inner peace. I hurt, nonstop, and I feel destroyed.

My marriage has never been easy. My husband is a good and sweet person but quite frankly he is oblivious to my turmoil. My attempts to communicate with him go unheard. I usually get blank stares or maybe a ten minute delay reply that comes in the form of a grunt. I am a very hard working person, and have run 2 home base businesses plus taken care of my mother (this last year) and a house before. I have been married going on 6 years, and in spite of all my attempts to talk to my husband my complaints have gone unheard. I realize that a lot of the grief I feel is two fold. One I lost the most important friend I could ever have and two I am left with a husband that seems incapable of understanding that grief. I do not expect to be coddled or catered too, that is not my way. I am not a woman that expects fancy things. I will swing an ax and cut wood. I will mow the lawn. I will dig holes to plant trees. My husband, if asked will do none of these things. They are left up to me to do.

I guess none of these things would be so bad if he would at least act passionate about life in general, about me, about living with me. I feel like I have married a 12 year old boy that is incapable of seeing beyond the next video game. And what makes this so hard to swallow is that I am a kid at heart too, and I enjoy these same things, but it was like after we married I became "caretaker" and not wife. Although I am expected to be an emotional crutch for him when he looses his job or gets turned down for a new one. Over and over my pain goes unnoticed. And yes. I have said something, I have begged, pleaded and threatened, for him to help me. Help me build a life. I don't expect him to carry me, but I wanted a partner in life not a paper weight.

My problem is this. Recently it seems like everything is a million time worse. I know that my current state of heart is playing a huge part but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am drowning while he stands by and watches. He just seems in capable of understaning how much it means to me to help with the laundry, vacuum the floors etc. If I ask he will do these things, but if I don't they never get done. I ask him why he didn't do something, and I am told because I didn't tell him too. I don't want to have tell him to clean up his dishes, pick up the laundry, vacuum the floors. And usually if I tell him he succeeds in making me feel guilty either by tone of voice or ignoring me until I ask him ten times if he heard me or not.

To put it all in perspective as to how this relationship is. One day I cleaned the bathroom. It was in awful shape mostly because I let it go just to see how far he would let it get. Well needless to say it was bad...as in PBS special bad. I attacked it one day shortly after my mother's death. And he stood in the doorway and watched me. Never offered help. Never offered to reach the high places in the shower that I was obviously too short to do. Never offered to help me hang the curtians while I struggled to reach the hooks. He just stood there smiling, watching. When I was done, it sparkled, looked like a new toilet, shower, etc. And my husband stood in the door and watched. The day before this it was thanksgiving, my mother had just died, and my hubby left me to go eat Thanksgiving dinner with his family down the road. I could not go because I had obliglations at home that day. My offer to cook thankgiving dinner went unanswered. He left me alone to go eat his mother's stuffing and giblet gravey. 
So needless to say the bathroom was the straw that broke the camels back. I sat him down and told him how this made me feel. I pointed out how are marriage was just like that bathroom. He stands by and smiles and tells me he loves me but puts no effort into that love. NONE Of course he felt bad, cried, and I thought everything was okay. He was good for a week but of course just like every other time before he goes back to his old ways. Promises to not abandon me again went forgotten and I was left all alone at Christmas while he went to enjoy a family dinner etc. He didn't even get me anything for christmas because when asked I told him I didn't know what I wanted...so I got left without (until a friend pointed out to him a week later that was mean)....
Anyhow...I do not want anyone to think he is cruel because he isn't. He does love me, but I feel like he wants a love without any work. No effort, no sacrifice, and I have tried to explain to him that's not how a marriage works. He says he understands but nothing changes. He has gone to counsiling and still nothing changes.
I feel drained, lost and forgotten. My mother was always here before so I at least had someone to vent too. But not anymore. Some days I feel like running away, some days I feel like asking him to leave... I realize no marriage is perfect but I cannot convey the depth of hurt I feel minute by minute. As a fat chick I have not dated a lot (as in none). I have suffered the same kind of mistreatment I know many here have. I had one boyfriend before my husband and was with him for 4 years. My husband and I dated for a period of 6 months lived together for almost that long then got married. Needless to say I am loyal to a fault I guess but so is he. I can trust him that way, explicitly but I can't count on him to be a husband, physcially, mentally, or finacially... The easy thing to say is get a divorce...but at the same time I love him so much I just want him to love me back and not just say it but show it.
I am sorry that my first post here is like this. But I don't know what else to do. I just need some outside eyes looking in. I need to know that it isn't just this depression dicking with my head. I need to know what to do I guess and I know there are women and men on here with way more experience than I have. I am not normally whiney like this. It pains me to have come here. But I have no one.


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## KuroBara (Mar 11, 2010)

Take all of this with a grain of salt, because I am not married. I believe he may have to be told to love you the way you want to be loved until he REALLY becomes trained to showing his feelings. I think he admires you, but just doesn't know how to properly express it. In your bathroom scenario, I can see how you could feel bad about him just watching you clean, but maybe from his perspective, he was fascinated by how well you handled the job. Maybe he considers you so independent, that you do not need his help unless you ask, so that is why he did not offer to clean the places you could not reach. You would have seen that as helpful, but in his mind, he might have felt he was pandering to you and you would not like that. Making a bathroom spotless is hard work, and deserves to be admired. 

As for the holiday instances, I can't defend him on Christmas, but for Thanksgiving, do you and your mother -in-law get along? Perhaps he felt that the stress of losing your mother plus dealing with your MIL and other family would be too great for you, and maybe everyone else. I would not have asked you to cook dinner either, because you were still grieving. I do feel that he should have stayed with you that day, though. His family would have been OK if he missed on Thanksgiving Day. 

Like I said, I'm probably not the best person to have answered this, but I wanted you to know that someone heard your cry. I'm battling depression also, and was about to start a thread about it, when I saw yours. So, this may be a sign. I do hope you can keep talking to your husband, he sounds clueless, and not loveless. If you need any support, you can always check in here. Welcome to Dims!!


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## toni (Mar 12, 2010)

I feel for you, I really do. I could have written a lot of this myself. I know exactly how you feel. It is heart breaking to work so hard and go unnoticed, unappreciated and unloved. The only thing that I can think of that might help is couples counseling. We went and it helped for a little while. Maybe you will have more success. You deserve to try. 

*HUGS*


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## BubbleButtBabe (Mar 12, 2010)

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother..I know how hard that can be when you are so close..

Now on to your husband..I am going to suggest some marriage counseling...He might sit and listen to what you are saying but it is not sinking in..Maybe a third party can help him open his eyes and really see how bad things are for you..

I hope you can work through this and I wish the best for both of you...


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## FuzzyNavel (Mar 12, 2010)

Take all of this with a grain of salt, because I am not married. I believe he may have to be told to love you the way you want to be loved until he REALLY becomes trained to showing his feelings. I think he admires you, but just doesn't know how to properly express it. In your bathroom scenario, I can see how you could feel bad about him just watching you clean, but maybe from his perspective, he was fascinated by how well you handled the job. Maybe he considers you so independent, that you do not need his help unless you ask, so that is why he did not offer to clean the places you could not reach. You would have seen that as helpful, but in his mind, he might have felt he was pandering to you and you would not like that. Making a bathroom spotless is hard work, and deserves to be admired. 


***My reply
Thank you for your insight. Lucky for my hubby (or not) I am a vocal person. I don't have a problem expressing what I need want. I have told him. I have sat him down and said, look, I need you to want me. Of course things didn't start out that way, my first questions were, are you happy being maried to me...are you fulfilled etc. Cause if you are bored with this I'm okay with letting it go (cause honestly that's how it feels). Of course he professes his love then I go on to tell him what I need.
Then it never seems to happen or maybe it happens 30 seconds once a week.
I feel invisible if not outright forgotten.

******

As for the holiday instances, I can't defend him on Christmas, but for Thanksgiving, do you and your mother -in-law get along? Perhaps he felt that the stress of losing your mother plus dealing with your MIL and other family would be too great for you, and maybe everyone else. I would not have asked you to cook dinner either, because you were still grieving. I do feel that he should have stayed with you that day, though. His family would have been OK if he missed on Thanksgiving Day. 

*****My reply

Yes, we do get along. I like his mother alot. When I asked him about why he went without me and told him how it made me feel he admitted he just didn't think about it.
To find out I fell somehwere below giblet gravey was disheartening to say the least.
When my mother fell ill (the thanksgiving before) he also left me. When she could have been dying he was at his parents eating while I was falling apart at her bed side. I can only say this, if the tables had been turned I would have never left him. I would have stood by him and been a shoulder for him to cry on and someone to hold. I am this for him when he has life crisis but when I need something it's crickets.

*******


Like I said, I'm probably not the best person to have answered this, but I wanted you to know that someone heard your cry. I'm battling depression also, and was about to start a thread about it, when I saw yours. So, this may be a sign. I do hope you can keep talking to your husband, he sounds clueless, and not loveless. If you need any support, you can always check in here. Welcome to Dims!![/QUOTE]



******My reply

Thanks. Yes. I hope to keep talking to him. But I have to admit. After 6 years I am wearing out. And after this year I'm just not so sure I can hold out. I feel terrible for feeling this way and I don't know what to do. I know that few marriages are perfect. I don't expect a "knight in shining armor". I can't really explain what I am expecting, maybe because I don't really know...maybe there's nothing wrong and it's just me. I don't have a clue. I hear the words, I see the flowers on valentines day, but I don't feel it. When it comes down to the sacrifice part he doesn't pull through. At all...and that just can't be right.


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## FuzzyNavel (Mar 12, 2010)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother..I know how hard that can be when you are so close..
> 
> Now on to your husband..I am going to suggest some marriage counseling...He might sit and listen to what you are saying but it is not sinking in..Maybe a third party can help him open his eyes and really see how bad things are for you..
> 
> I hope you can work through this and I wish the best for both of you...





I do want to try this. And at the same time I have reservations. He went to a psychiatrist on my request, which he needed, unfortunately then it became "fix it with a pill" cause anything else was too much trouble. 
I am hoping I can find a decent councilor. But I am not even sure what a decent one is.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Mar 13, 2010)

I hope you find a really good one that does not assign blame on anyone but helps you both work through the problems..Some times men do not get it like women do..Not because they are bad men they just aren't as detail oriented as women are..My son is the worlds worse at times and I have to make him really open his eyes to see what is in front of him...


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