# How Do You Tell Someone?



## LilLostFox (Apr 7, 2008)

So im new here, and i don't know anyone but i figured i ask everyone here, how do you explain to your girlfriend that you like bigger girls and ex cetera? I usually just hide it because shes all ready cute and a lil chubby, but lately shes been getting really hardcore into exercising and wants to get down to a size 4. So i have to tell her soon because i love her to death and its shallow to say this but pencil thin girls don't exactly do it for me. I know this sounds stupid but im really lost when it comes to this.


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## matt82 (Apr 8, 2008)

i guess just tell her. to be honest though if she doesn't want to be chubby she'll just say whatever and keep dieting and going to the gym. sounds like you are in the same boat as me


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## TheSadeianLinguist (Apr 8, 2008)

Sometimes relationships end because bodies change too much to warrant remaining together. The slim young lady some guy married in college might gain weight with her new busy career as a lawyer where she chooses to spend what little free time she has watching movies and volunteering at the animal shelter instead of going to the gym.

It's no different here. You either have to accept where she's going or leave. It doesn't say anything about you or her.


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## Forgotten_Futures (Apr 8, 2008)

If you tell her, she might freak out, or ignore you, or maybe take your concerns into consideration and not try to lose weight.

On the other hand, if you say nothing and she does lose weight and you lose some degree of interest in her as a result, there will be no end to the bitching.

I say gamble and tell her. But don't be so blunt about it. Just make it clear you think she's fine the way she is, and only trot out the heavy artillery if she's adamant and her reasons aren't health related.


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## olwen (Apr 8, 2008)

first of all, "bigger girls," "a little chubby..." if she's like a size 8 or a size 10, then I hardly see how it matters if she becomes a size 4 or not. 

second, quit whining, be a man and own up to what you like and/or need. I don't know how much sympathy you're going to get here for "hiding." Just talk to her.

third, if you love her then accept her as she is. If her size is that much of an issue for you and you can't deal with her choices then dump her and find a woman whose choices you can deal with. 

forth, and I'm reading between the lines here, if she wasn't big enough for you when you started dating then well that's on you isn't it.

fifth, you don't say whether or not she has low self esteem, which is important, cause if she doesn't then maybe she just wants to be in better shape and it's about getting fit and nothing more. If she does then talking isn't enough, you have to show her that she's sexy, and to do that you have to focus less on her size and focus more on romance.

sixth, others will have other opinions I'm sure.


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## pudgy (Apr 8, 2008)

It was a big step for me to tell my now-fiance that I like bigger girls. Especially considering the fact that my girl ain't big!

However it was also very liberating. She accepted the fact that I thought beauty can be found in any woman, regardless of size. And that gave me the balls to tell my best guy friends and eventually my whole college.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. First of all, what is most important to you? Her size? Or your love for her? Because if it's the former, then you have other problems than her exercising. But if you truly love her for who she is and not how much she weighs, then it's most definitely time to tell her your "deepest, darkest secret."

That's the context I put it in, when I told my girl. It wasn't in the context of, "I like big girls, so gain some weight." It was, "Here is something I have never told anyone else. I'm telling you because I trust you and I love you. No, you don't have to change a thing to earn my love. No you don't have to stop exercising or start gaining to get me to love you more. I'm just letting you know that you're beautiful how are you and would still be beautiful with 100 more pounds."

But like I said, if you can't honestly say that, then you've got some things to think through. If you have questions, feel free to PM me.

Pudgy/Tony


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## Tad (Apr 8, 2008)

I'd say go with something along the lines of:

"I understand you may want to lose weight for yourself, but please realize that I like your body the way it is--if anything I'd probably prefer more curve than less. I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your body, I just thought it was important to be clear that not every guy prefers women the size that they usually show on TV."

She may go and lose weight anyway, or not. She may ask you more about why you like her body the way it is, or not. She may want to know how much fatter you'd like her, or not. So be ready for all of those, because those are all her decisions, and you have to let her make them.

Best of luck!


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## matt82 (Apr 8, 2008)

edx said:


> I'd say go with something along the lines of:
> 
> "I understand you may want to lose weight for yourself, but please realize that I like your body the way it is--if anything I'd probably prefer more curve than less. I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your body, I just thought it was important to be clear that not every guy prefers women the size that they usually show on TV."
> 
> ...




or she may call you a weirdo like my g/f did


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## LilLostFox (Apr 8, 2008)

thanks for the replies everyone it really helps


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## Tad (Apr 8, 2008)

matt82 said:


> or she may call you a weirdo like my g/f did



True dat! And if she doesn't, she may still think it....but hopefully decides that you are a benign weirdo, and she should appreciate it. *shrug* from out here across the internet, we can't really can't do more than guess.

But I will say that a lot of people who are pudgy would assume that anyone who is attracted to them will be attracted despite their pudge, and would not even consider that someone might actually like their body exactly as it is. So even if the response isn't great, clarifying that is, I think, a good thing.


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## LilLostFox (Apr 8, 2008)

well its kinda hard to me i guess because it seems so shallow to be disappointed in her because of it even though its what she wants and what i dont


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## braindeadhead (Apr 8, 2008)

LilLostFox said:


> well its kinda hard to me i guess because it seems so shallow to be disappointed in her because of it even though its what she wants and what i dont



Its not shallow...well, it is ...but its not uniquely shallow. There is a thin line between overlooking another's faults and denying your attractions and I have no idea were it is. Its probably something you'll have to figure out on your own.

As Frued said "Human sexuality is the nature perserve of civilized man". You can't bend it your will or make it behave in a more acceptable manor. All you can do is control how it affects you. 

Talk to your GF and tell her what you like. She might laugh in your face or be disgusted or totally cool with it. Then she'll decide what's right for her and you'll do the same. It may end your relationship but if your not attracted to her anymore how much longer could it have lasted anyways. 

No matter what, its not shallow to have certain attractions... and if it is shallow I'll take shallow and happy over dishonest and miserable anyday.


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## Tad (Apr 8, 2008)

LilLostFox said:


> well its kinda hard to me i guess because it seems so shallow to be disappointed in her because of it even though its what she wants and what i dont





braindeadhead said:


> Its not shallow...well, it is ...but its not uniquely shallow. There is a thin line between overlooking another's faults and denying your attractions and I have no idea were it is. Its probably something you'll have to figure out on your own.



I'll add this: admitting that you have preferences is not shallow, it is honest. Telling her what your preferences are is not shallow, it is wise communication.

I don't think there is any reason to apologize, feel guilty about, or avoid those two. 

Going on to tell her "I'm only with you if you are a certain way," or telling her what she should do, or various other things along those lines, those are more treading into grey areas of various shades. You are right to be wary of doing those....not saying that you shouldn't tell her that weight is a deal breaker, if in fact it is, more that you should try not to make it a deal breaker.

But I'd start with letting her know at least the direction of your preferences. And keep in mind: your preferences will not fundamentally change. If you look around Dimensions you'll find plenty of cases of guys who have spent a decade or two with a thin woman, and still wish she'd be fat. So right now you have a short term issue, but think a bit about the long term too.

Best of luck--it is not at all an easy thing to deal with.


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## Raqui (Apr 9, 2008)

Be outright tell her that you need some chub with your love. You picked her for every curvy sexy inch. Then stuff a doughnut in her mouth and make passionate love to her.


Now if this make pretend fantasy doesnt work. Just talk about it and tell her you want a thick mama not a stick. If her self confindence is in jeapordy here because she is thick then let her do her and decide if what you got is LOVE or LIKE. IF you LOVE HER you wont care if she loses weight because you in it forever. IF you LIKE her then you can part ways.

She might be working out to be sexy for you. So talk about it.


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## love dubh (Apr 9, 2008)

olwen said:


> first of all, "bigger girls," "a little chubby..." if she's like a size 8 or a size 10, then I hardly see how it matters if she becomes a size 4 or not.



All your other points are A+, but this perspective is one I have issue with and I see this attitude on Dimensions often. 

There is a difference between a size 4 and a size 8 or 10 - thirty to forty pounds of difference, which has a noticeable effect on the female body. The same may not be true for 2, 3, 4-hundred pound women, as many posters here have indicated losing twenty or so pounds without even knowing. This weight gain may not even make a gal register on the meters of FAs who enjoy BBW and SSBBW. However, making it sound like such a substantial weight gain is insignificant or unimportant is really condescending. Saying "You're so small, what's it to you if you gain 30lbs?" is just as insulting as "You're so fat, what's it to you if you gain 30lbs?" It demeans the weight experience of non-BBW and SSBBW, many of whom are on these boards.

Whether it's some good ol' reverse stigmatization, or a genuine inability to see the difference, the attitude is there and it's belittling and dismissive.


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## olwen (Apr 10, 2008)

love dubh said:


> All your other points are A+, but this perspective is one I have issue with and I see this attitude on Dimensions often.
> 
> There is a difference between a size 4 and a size 8 or 10 - thirty to forty pounds of difference, which has a noticeable effect on the female body. The same may not be true for 2, 3, 4-hundred pound women, as many posters here have indicated losing twenty or so pounds without even knowing. This weight gain may not even make a gal register on the meters of FAs who enjoy BBW and SSBBW. However, making it sound like such a substantial weight gain is insignificant or unimportant is really condescending. It demeans the weight experience of non-BBW and SSBBW, many of whom are on these boards.
> 
> Whether it's some good ol' reverse stigmatization, or a genuine inability to see the difference, the attitude is there and it's belittling and dismissive.



This is no small issue (pun intended) for me, and it's not meant to be a put down. I have never been that size, I have no experience of living in a body that size, so to me it's all the same - hundreds of pounds thinner than me. I'm not saying that to be condescending, I genuinely don't understand the difference. I don't understand he difference between a size 4 and a size 10...sexually, physically, mentally...i've never had to shop for those sizes, and I don't go into stores that sell those sizes - ever (and I'm not kidding about that)....and I'm discovering that what I've always thought of as this all encompassing idea of "skinny" is what other people tell me is actually fat. For someone like my sister who wears a size 00 (that's what her clothes say) to tell me that some girl who wears a size 10 is fat, when to me they look like they should wear the same size is truly confusing. ...suddenly size "small" is the new fat? Size 6 is the new 10? 00 is the new 2? I don't understand the clothing sizes. Clothes in my size have always been the same 22, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32 - I know exactly what that means.

This is no trivial matter for me, believe me. Read my blog to understand what I mean. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now. I can't understand how a guy would like a size 4 but not a size 10 if they are both have curves and are both hundreds of pounds smaller than me and should be what is considered "a normal size". If it's all "normal" and acceptable then there shouldn't be a difference. Especially when those same guys who prefer those sizes make it very clear to me that my size is not desirable. In my head that translates to "other." I've always been "other" and so for years I kept to my other world, and in that world 30-40 lbs doesn't make a huge difference visibly - it's still fat and that's what I understand. I'm not even sure how many pounds of difference there is between a 4 and a 10. I've never paid attention to it.

In other words, I don't read fashion mags, or keep up with styles or concern myself with any of that because I've never seen my reflection in it as a black person or a fat person. 

So you sit there now and tell me I'm supposed to understand a world I've never been allowed to participate in or be privy to?

My attitude is not one of condescension it's one of bewilderment.


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## love dubh (Apr 10, 2008)

Thank you for explaining the thought process behind it to me. I genuinely believed it was some passive-aggressive, reverse stigma going on, or like you've explained, ignorance based on irrelevance to one's personal situation (which goes beyond knowing size differences).

I have the inverse? reaction of yours. I don't understand how an individual can want exclusively SSBBW or BBW - it all seems the same to me - I don't know the difference between 250 to 300 to 350. It's not in my experience, not in my cohort, and not in the things I read or the shops I frequent. It's all just large, much larger than me. The individuals I see and think are fat are not the same you would consider, just as the 6'2'' and 5'5'' would have different perspectives on a 5'3'' individual. 

But no, seriously, thanks for the expose. It wasn't my intention to rile you up - but I guess I'm glad I did, since I got an answer to my question.



olwen said:


> This is no small issue (pun intended) for me, and it's not meant to be a put down. I have never been that size, I have no experience of living in a body that size, so to me it's all the same - hundreds of pounds thinner than me. I'm not saying that to be condescending, I genuinely don't understand the difference. I don't understand he difference between a size 4 and a size 10...sexually, physically, mentally...i've never had to shop for those sizes, and I don't go into stores that sell those sizes - ever (and I'm not kidding about that)....and I'm discovering that what I've always thought of as this all encompassing idea of "skinny" is what other people tell me is actually fat. For someone like my sister who wears a size 00 (that's what her clothes say) to tell me that some girl who wears a size 10 is fat, when to me they look like they should wear the same size is truly confusing. ...suddenly size "small" is the new fat? Size 6 is the new 10? 00 is the new 2? I don't understand the clothing sizes. Clothes in my size have always been the same 22, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32 - I know exactly what that means.
> 
> This is no trivial matter for me, believe me. Read my blog to understand what I mean. I have been struggling with this issue for a while now. I can't understand how a guy would like a size 4 but not a size 10 if they are both have curves and are both hundreds of pounds smaller than me and should be what is considered "a normal size". If it's all "normal" and acceptable then there shouldn't be a difference. Especially when those same guys who prefer those sizes make it very clear to me that my size is not desirable. In my head that translates to "other." I've always been "other" and so for years I kept to my other world, and in that world 30-40 lbs doesn't make a huge difference visibly - it's still fat and that's what I understand. I'm not even sure how many pounds of difference there is between a 4 and a 10. I've never paid attention to it.
> 
> ...


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## olwen (Apr 10, 2008)

Yes, riled up is an understatement, but it was good to get the response I did from you because it helps to expand my world view, which is what I seem to be about these days.

Okay, we're good.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 10, 2008)

I'm in a bit of the same boat, a little. I've started dating a girl recently that I like a lot, and I'm pretty sure that for the first time in my life, I'm going to share with a partner the fact that I'm turned on by weight gain. She's a bigger girl, like ~200, but she's also pretty athletic, and I have no idea what she'll think of it. 

The most relevant bit of this that pertains to your post, though, is that I feel whether she's into it or not, it's important I put my cards on the table just for honesty's sake. I have always held onto this little bit of my personal sexual cosmology w/ previous GFs, either b/c I thought they couldn't handle it, or b/c maybe I didn't feel enough for them. But I really, really, really like this girl and I think she needs to know about my strange (as the world sees them) desires, whether we act on them or not.


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## fatgirl33 (Apr 10, 2008)

Keep in mind, it's very hard for some people, particularly those who see thin as the only ideal body image, to understand or even believe that you might find fat attractive. If you read through the forums you'll find lots of stories about people who just couldn't accept that their partners liked them big even after they told them so! Usually it's a matter of, "They're just saying that to make me feel better," or something. 

I know we all want to not be shallow, but physical & sexual attraction are big parts in any relationship, so it's got to be important. 

Brenda


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## tink977 (Apr 10, 2008)

I've been on a diet for awhile now and just this past weekend I was sitting in the car with my guy friend and the diet came up and he said "it would be a great disservice to the general public if you lost even an ounce of your chest" and I said "well, when I lose weight, I'm going to lose some in my breasts" and he said "exactly...its nonsense".


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## Happenstance (Apr 16, 2008)

It was a year and a half ago that I decided to tell the girl I was seeing at the time. I felt the timing was appropriate, as she had just put on about fifteen pounds, which was quite noticeable as she was but 130 to start with, and while she seemed none too pleased with this, I found it irresistibly attractive.

I began by simply pointing it out to her. She reacted, as I anticipated, negatively, expressing discomfort with herself by turning half away. I assured her that I didn't mind in the least. In point of fact, I continued, I actually liked it. She looked at me, confused for a minute. With some further explanation, she understood qualitatively what I was saying, but didn't understand how someone could have preferences toward larger girls. The concept felt very foreign to her, but she learned that was simply who I am.

In the end, she lost the weight because she was uncomfortable with herself, it had nothing to do with how she was perceived by others. If she were an animal, she would be a zebra, running free on open plains and doing her best to remain in the middle of a sea of black and white stripes. Our relationship continued for another year, then we parted ways mainly because we were living in different cities.

I'm not the only one who spends too much time thinking wistfully on past relationships, am I?


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## Fascinita (Apr 16, 2008)

Happenstance said:


> If she were an animal, she would be a zebra, running free on open plains and doing her best to remain in the middle of a sea of black and white stripes. Our relationship continued for another year, then we parted ways mainly because we were living in different cities.
> 
> I'm not the only one who spends too much time thinking wistfully on past relationships, am I?



I'm no expert, but I think that when you start picturing your ex as a zebra on the plains, maybe you are spending too much time thinking about past relationships?


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## troubadours (Apr 17, 2008)

"jiggle or gtfo"


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## TotallyReal (Apr 17, 2008)

If you need to segue to your preference slowly, say that you like "curves." If you're bold enough, say that you like "bigger girls." If you're awesome, just say "Fat girls rule" and then put on a pair of sunglasses as punctuation, David Caruso-style.


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## prickly (Apr 17, 2008)

troubadours said:


> "jiggle or gtfo"



....that's my kind of reasonable!


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## Wagimawr (Apr 17, 2008)

TotallyReal said:


> If you're awesome, just say "Fat girls rule" and then put on a pair of sunglasses as punctuation, David Caruso-style.


Do I like fat girls?





You'd better believe it.​


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## Curious Jane (May 3, 2008)

i don't think it matters too much how you tell her, it's a tough sell whatever you do

just be honest and considerate

in my case, my bf told me his liking me bigger was not good reason for me to gain, but that i'd be happier if i could eat what i wanted

it has not made me gain but i sure am thinking about it

and i don't resent his telling me in the least, because he was honest and direct about it

of course he didn't tell me until we'd been together for months--that was probably wise


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## Haunted (May 3, 2008)

You do need to tell her for honesty sake because if she's dieting because she wants to look good for you then she needs to know that torturing her self with a diet isn't necessary my Ex would diet all the time because she thought i wanted a Maxim cover girl even though i had told her i liked big girls she still didn't believe me, but i had waited quite awhile into the relationship when i finally convinced her it was too late and my eyes where allready wandering, secondly not many people know or understand that we even exist we are like big-foot or the loch ness monster lol. I'm going through some things right now, and let me urge you how important being completely I MEAN COMPLETELY open and honest is in any relationship if she loves you she will accept you if she doesn't accept you she doesn't love you!


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## Wheazz (May 3, 2008)

I told my girl a while back. The way it happened was that she had gained some weight, and was kind of fretting over it. So, one day when we were together and she complained about it, I just told her I thought she was sexier with it. Luckily, she understood and is now gaining more  But it's going to be a tough thing to do regardless of circumstances, so good luck!


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## trigunfish (Jun 28, 2008)

well I just flat out told my girlfriend about my preferences for larger girls. She was in really good shape had close to zero body fat at 119 pounds when we met. She accepted my fetish, but didnt want to really "act on it." Then she started to and now ways around 135 and plans on gaining more. She said that she "has it" too. Honestly, I think she is trying to appease me, but we will see what happens because she is very anti-belly and thats what turns me on the most. Only time will tell though


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## Ted Michael Morgan (Jun 28, 2008)

I wanted my former wife to gain 50 to 100 pounds, but she never knew that. She blamed me for keeping her thin during our marriage, but I don't think that I did. But my family is so prejudiced against weight even though we ought to be the last people to complain. I might have imposed the family prejudice. She did gain about 50 pounds during the years between separation and divorce and that really turned me on, but she lost the gain the next year. 

I wanted Linda heavier. Of course, I also wanted her to shave her head! :wubu:

 

View attachment n549573736_118051_4816.jpg


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## KHayes666 (Jun 29, 2008)

Yay for digging up old threads.

In my opinion, if being with a larger girl is absolutely nessicary for your relationship and your b/f or g/f is thin, then you need to outright tell your significant other immediately. If you're going to be that selfish, at least be honest about it so you don't lead him/her on.

Now, if you have a preference for larger girls but it isn't the most important thing, you should tell her only if she asks about it. 

All depends on how you feel


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## Ted Michael Morgan (Jun 30, 2008)

LilLostFox said:


> So im new here, and i don't know anyone but i figured i ask everyone here, how do you explain to your girlfriend that you like bigger girls and ex cetera?


I went 21 years without telling my former wife that I wanted her to gain weight. She gained about 50 pounds the year we separatred and blamed me for having kept her thin. Tell the girl. I double posted. Sorry!


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## BUTTERFLY (Jul 2, 2008)

Hi Fox, I was kinda in a similar situation to your girlfriend, when I got together with my BF he had to fess up and tell me he was into gaining and not just a little he really wanted to be a BHM with me feeding him. Although this was a little difficult for me to completly understand we had lots of talks about it. I had loads of questions, ones that I think even he had'nt asked himself but we go through it. The real turning point for me was being introduced to dims, to find a whole community of people who are welcoming and ready to give advice from all points of view when it comes to weight gain helped so much. So what I think im trying to say is break it to her gently, answer all her questions as honestly as you can then introduce her to the forums I'm sure she will be made to feel more than welcome and will fit right in.


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## LiLaKuhJunge (Jul 2, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Be outright tell her that you need some chub with your love. You picked her for every curvy sexy inch. Then stuff a doughnut in her mouth and make passionate love to her.




Apart from the doughnut part - I guess this is what your prince is supposed to do? The princess wears some curves under her dress and teases the prince with hinting at her richness? Sounds like a good start! The prince will not be able to hide his interest...

Lilakuhjunge


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