# Fat sexuality



## gelbert (Jan 22, 2021)

What are your feelings that attraction to large people is an actual sexuality rather than a preference? Because I often read people say " it's just my preference, like some people prefer blondes".

For me it runs deeper than that. I tried to hide my sexual attraction to big women, hidden till I was in my mid twenties. I always dated, what would be considered your average size women. Once, I accepted that I would never be sexually satisfied with an average size women, it was life changing! It was just a different experience, that was more amazing than I could have ever imagined. 

I have always had a very healthy sex life and enjoyed it but it is not the same. I still see slimmer women attractive and beautiful but not sexually.


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## extra_m13 (Jan 26, 2021)

oh well, it is a preference for sure, but a very strong one ! i usually say it like that, i prefer chubby girls, but ommit to say that i only get really turned on by overeating not worry to gain chubby ladies, and that runners and other types of skinny bitches are not in my list, no matter how funny smart and beautiful they are


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## AuntHen (Jan 27, 2021)

extra_m13 said:


> oh well, it is a preference for sure, but a very strong one ! i usually say it like that, i prefer chubby girls, but ommit to say that i only get really turned on by overeating not worry to gain chubby ladies, and that runners and other types of *skinny* *bitches* are not in my list, no matter how funny smart and beautiful they are



No.


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 27, 2021)

I do find it odd that people who have oft times been shunned, marginalized, or ridiculed for their appearance and/or attractions/preferences would harbor ill or speak disparagingly about others. So you like a certain type of guy or gal. Why are the others less than in your eyes?


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## Barrett (Jan 27, 2021)

extra_m13 said:


> oh well, it is a preference for sure, but a very strong one ! i usually say it like that, i prefer chubby girls, but ommit to say that i only get really turned on by overeating not worry to gain chubby ladies, and that runners and other types of skinny bitches are not in my list, no matter how funny smart and beautiful they are


Please stop talking.


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## extra_m13 (Jan 28, 2021)

not many people around here, we all have preferences in that regard. i prefer fat ladies over skinny ladies. don't anything wrong in saying that. i prefer steak over pasta. it is an animal thing. nothing against them as human beings. one has the right to choose the partner.


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## DazzlingAnna (Jan 28, 2021)

For the majority of people out in this world I am not even close to what their preferences are. And most people don't get tired to tell me, that I am not okay being a bbw/ssbbw. They use worse expressions than "not okay" , even worse than "fat b*tch" to express that I am not matching their preferences.

Having preferences and living them is not the point.

Gloryfying the one and devaluing the other is the point. 

I don't understand, even here at dimensions, (where we are talking about body acceptance!) why people sometimes use the same mechanism of lowering other body types shapes, sizes over their own preferences. 

If you are asked about what you like you could of course talk about what you don't like, too. I would prefer a neutral choice of words though.

It is not about having preferences and living them. It is about respecting the non-preferred part. Respecting, or tolerating or even accepting. 
For me, any description followed by "b*tch" shows none of the above.


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## Barrett (Jan 28, 2021)

extra_m13 said:


> not many people around here, we all have preferences in that regard. i prefer fat ladies over skinny ladies. don't anything wrong in saying that. i prefer steak over pasta. it is an animal thing. nothing against them as human beings. one has the right to choose the partner.


That isn't the issue with what you said.
It's how you said it. But I'm pretty sure you already knew that, even before AuntHen highlighted what the problem is. So stop being disingenuous, on top of being rude.
You don't refer to ladies as "skinny bitches," or just "bitches" in general, especially if you're a guy.


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## landshark (Jan 28, 2021)

I’ll echo what others have said and get right to the point. “Skinny bitches” is low brow and we're better than that here. For a member of a group that supports those who have been marginalized and scorned by society to use this kind of verbiage to describe other people is just garbage. To act daft about it and shrug and say “what? I’m allowed to have a preference.” Is also garbage.

@gelbert I completely understand what you are saying and I refer to this as sexual compatibility. It’s the idea that I can find attractive just about any body type. I’m active, in the weight room, at the beach, etc. I see for women all the time who I think are smoking hotties. But that’s where it stops, basically.

There’s a difference between a woman being visibly attractive to me and sexually attractive. That second one is a completely different “next-level” attraction where there is literally a wave of adrenaline at the thought of being with a person. And I only get that feeling with certain body types. I’ve learned it’s a basic shape preference more than a size preference (would rather have a short petite chubby 150 pound partner with a big ass than a 350 pound partner with big boobs/belly and a smaller ass) but if I can get that shape in bigger sizes then even better!

So yeah, I definitely understand what you mean, OP.


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 28, 2021)

landshark said:


> I’ll echo what others have said and get right to the point. “Skinny bitches” is low brow and we're better than that here. For a member of a group that supports those who have been marginalized and scorned by society to use this kind of verbiage to describe other people is just garbage. To act daft about it and shrug and say “what? I’m allowed to have a preference.” Is also garbage.
> 
> @gelbert I completely understand what you are saying and I refer to this as sexual compatibility. It’s the idea that I can find attractive just about any body type. I’m active, in the weight room, at the beach, etc. I see for women all the time who I think are smoking hotties. But that’s where it stops, basically.
> 
> ...


Yay for big asses! *I DID NOT just say that, did I?*


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## landshark (Jan 28, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> Yay for big asses! *I DID NOT just say that, did I?*



there are two kinds of big asses. A good kind and bad kind. Do I need to go into greater detail or are you getting me?


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 28, 2021)

landshark said:


> there are two kinds of big asses. A good kind and bad kind. Do I need to go into greater detail or are you getting me?


Oh no! I gotcha.


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> I do find it odd that people who have oft times been shunned, marginalized, or ridiculed for their appearance and/or attractions/preferences would harbor ill or speak disparagingly about others. So you like a certain type of guy or gal. Why are the others less than in your eyes?



Why would that be odd? Isn't it normal for people to hold grudges against those who persecute them? I'm not saying it's *good* to do that, but I don't see what's so odd about it.
I also don't see what there is about being repeatedly shunned that would lead to me becoming a moralist. As I see it, body shape, body shape preference and even hurting people's feelings _are all entirely amoral issues. _To assume otherwise is to attach much greater significance to people's feelings than is justified.


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 28, 2021)

TwoSwords said:


> Why would that be odd? Isn't it normal for people to hold grudges against those who persecute them? I'm not saying it's *good* to do that, but I don't see what's so odd about it.
> I also don't see what there is about being repeatedly shunned that would lead to me becoming a moralist. As I see it, body shape, body shape preference and even hurting people's feelings _are all entirely amoral issues. _To assume otherwise is to attach much greater significance to people's feelings than is justified.


*stepping onto soapbox*

It's odd because I would have thought that people who frequent this space would be of a slightly higher moral character than the average person. I mean, doesn't body positivity and acceptance count for everyone; not just those you find attractive? I guess not.

And I would think that repeatedly being shunned or ridiculed would lead you to become just a better person. I don't get why someone would repeat the shitty behavior that was thrust upon them rather than model a higher morality. So, they throw sticks and you throw sticks? They throw stones and then you throw stones? Where/how/when does it end? Do you want there to be an end or do you just thrive on the negativity?

There is a GREAT significance to people's feelings. We often act on emotion despite what logic would tell us otherwise to do. Yes, you can become numb to how certain people treat you (or at least you can pretend to not care). But the fact is that you do care or you wouldn't retaliate in kind. But it's simpler and easier to spit back at someone who's spit at you, rather than expend the energy, show the intestinal fortitude, and display the higher code of character it takes to change the world. I get it. To each his own I suppose.

*descending from aforementioned soapbox*


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> It's odd because I would have thought that people who frequent this space would be of a slightly higher moral character than the average person. I mean, doesn't body positivity and acceptance count for everyone; not just those you find attractive? I guess not.



Nope.



BigElectricKat said:


> And I would think that repeatedly being shunned or ridiculed would lead you to become just a better person.



Why?



BigElectricKat said:


> I don't get why someone would repeat the shitty behavior that was thrust upon them rather than model a higher morality.



There would need to be some benefit or reward involved in behaving according to a higher morality. In any case, there are many different "higher moralities," not all of which agree with your position here.



BigElectricKat said:


> So, they throw sticks and you throw sticks? They throw stones and then you throw stones? Where/how/when does it end? Do you want there to be an end or do you just thrive on the negativity?



I love arguments. They're fun. I never said I was planning on assaulting anyone with wood or stone, though. Why should I make bigger sacrifices than the people around me are making? I don't see any point to doing that.



BigElectricKat said:


> There is a GREAT significance to people's feelings. We often act on emotion despite what logic would tell us otherwise to do. Yes, you can become numb to how certain people treat you (or at least you can pretend to not care). But the fact is that you do care or you wouldn't retaliate in kind. But it's simpler and easier to spit back at someone who's spit at you, rather than expend the energy, show the intestinal fortitude, and display the higher code of character it takes to change the world. I get it. To each his own I suppose.



Yeah. I just don't agree that people's feelings are that important. I'm strongly committed to a moral code, and coddling hurt feelings just isn't part of it. It has more to do with not killing, stealing, bearing false witness against others, coveting, adulterizing, and dishonoring my parents, none of which is about hurt feelings. It strikes me as an odd and alien position that someone would try to moralize the emotions of human beings, who have no more moral right to the avoidance of hurt than a gazelle does.


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 28, 2021)

TwoSwords said:


> Why?


Treat others as you wish to be treated. 


TwoSwords said:


> I love arguments. They're fun. I never said I was planning on assaulting anyone with wood or stone, though. Why should I make bigger sacrifices than the people around me are making? I don't see any point to doing that.


The better person always makes the bigger sacrifices. Such is life.


TwoSwords said:


> Yeah. I just don't agree that people's feelings are that important. I'm strongly committed to a moral code, and coddling hurt feelings just isn't part of it. It has more to do with not killing, stealing, bearing false witness against others, coveting, adulterizing, and dishonoring my parents, none of which is about hurt feelings. It strikes me as an odd and alien position that someone would try to moralize the emotions of human beings, who have no more moral right to the avoidance of hurt than a gazelle does.


In taking this stance, you agree that your own feelings are not that important. So in effect, others who treat you as less than human are justified since you feeling are that important. I noticed that your own moral code does not include respect toward others. That makes sense. If you don't respect others how do you expect them to respect you. A somewhat narcissistic view of the world? If that's how you sleep at night, okay.


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> Treat others as you wish to be treated.



Yeah, but nobody really does that.



BigElectricKat said:


> The better person always makes the bigger sacrifices. Such is life.



Better in terms of what? Are they better off in some way?



BigElectricKat said:


> In taking this stance, you agree that your own feelings are not that important. So in effect, others who treat you as less than human are justified since you feeling are that important. I noticed that your own moral code does not include respect toward others. That makes sense. If you don't respect others how do you expect them to respect you. A somewhat narcissistic view of the world? If that's how you sleep at night, okay.



Actually, it's the other way around. If there's one thing I've learned from every emotional experience I've ever had (both as an FA and otherwise,) it's that no matter what, no one will ever respect your emotions. Therefore, they must not matter. If my emotions don't matter, then it follows, clearly, that no one's emotions matter. Narcissism would be if I thought highly of myself. This is induction; the arrival at a general conclusion, on the basis of a particular sample (my own experiences, informing the general conclusion about whether emotions in general matter.) And yes, I've always been a rather sound sleeper.

As far as respecting others, I respect that they have free will, and are therefore entitled to not being murdered, stolen from, lied against, etc... Other kinds of respect than the core ones need to be earned on an individual basis by their choices.


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 28, 2021)

TwoSwords said:


> Yeah, but nobody really does that.


Maybe in your world.



TwoSwords said:


> Better in terms of what? Are they better off in some way?


Yes. Better in terms of maybe changing the course of someone's life. Perhaps imparting knowledge/wisdom on an otherwise (relatively) ignorant being. Like the song says, "We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes".



TwoSwords said:


> Actually, it's the other way around. If there's one thing I've learned from every emotional experience I've ever had (both as an FA and otherwise,) it's that no matter what, no one will ever respect your emotions. Therefore, they must not matter. If my emotions don't matter, then it follows, clearly, that no one's emotions matter. Narcissism would be if I thought highly of myself. This is induction; the arrival at a general conclusion, on the basis of a particular sample (my own experiences, informing the general conclusion about whether emotions in general matter.) And yes, I've always been a rather sound sleeper.


All rather sad when all is said and done. Perhaps and increase in your sample size? I suppose I'd rather toss and turn all night with someone to share my bed than to sleep soundly alone. And alone it must be if others feelings/emotions don't matter. 

Anyway, back to my regularly scheduled programming. Have fun!


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> Yes. Better in terms of maybe changing the course of someone's life. Perhaps imparting knowledge/wisdom on an otherwise (relatively) ignorant being. Like the song says, "We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes".



So like a George Bailey situation? If that really worked, my mom would be rich. Instead, she's completely at the mercy of the people who own the building where she keeps supplies for her charity.



BigElectricKat said:


> All rather sad when all is said and done. Perhaps and increase in your sample size? I suppose I'd rather toss and turn all night with someone to share my bed than to sleep soundly alone. And alone it must be if others feelings/emotions don't matter.



Well, I never said life was _happy. _As far as my sample size being small, I do live in Deviltown, Massachusetts, so that might have something to do with it.



BigElectricKat said:


> Anyway, back to my regularly scheduled programming. Have fun!



Thanks! You too!


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## James1662 (Jan 29, 2021)

For me, my attraction to size is essentially a must. I very much prefer larger. Particularly, a certain body shape also. I am not certain that I could be physically attracted to someone thin, regardless of how wonderful their personality was.


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## BouncingBoy (Jan 30, 2021)

I try to find beauty in all but my preference is definitely toward the larger ladies.HOWEVER.....The ONLY way I would call a woman a bitch is if I happen to know her & she has a major negative attitude.I have been known to call some witches.....lol


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## Barrett (Jan 30, 2021)

BouncingBoy said:


> HOWEVER.....The ONLY way I would call a woman a bitch is if I happen to know her & she has a major negative attitude.I have been known to call some witches.....lol


I don't understand the need to add what you consider to be an acceptable use of a derogatory term to a conversation that isn't about that.

The topic is Fat Sexuality.
The only reason the other thing was being discussed was because a woman spoke up and told the person who used the term that it wasn't acceptable to refer to a woman in that manner, and she received back-up. 

It's not for a man, or anyone else, really, to come in and state when they would also use a derogatory term to describe a woman.
First, because it's not civil discussion, and second, it has nothing to do with the thread topic.

My apologies to @gelbert for the continued derail.


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## Monster (Jan 30, 2021)

I don't really consider attraction to large bodies as a sexuality the way I do LGBTQIA identity- I'm queer, I like big bodies (and small ones, and in between!), they don't really feel the same in terms of who I am as a person. That is to say, I feel much more defined by my queerness than by what bodies I find appealing. Maybe if I felt exclusively attracted to larger people I'd feel differently, but I don't know! I just feel like I get more looks being on a public date with a thin person who looks like a woman than with a big person who reads as male.

Also, fuck off with body hating of any kind. While thinness is definitely a privilege, it's not a reason to denigrate anyone, just like fatness isn't a reason to devalue a person.


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## Colonial Warrior (Jan 31, 2021)

DazzlingAnna said:


> For the majority of people out in this world I am not even close to what their preferences are. And most people don't get tired to tell me, that I am not okay being a bbw/ssbbw. They use worse expressions than "not okay" , even worse than "fat b*tch" to express that I am not matching their preferences.
> 
> Having preferences and living them is not the point.
> 
> ...


You get straight to the point, @DazzlingAnna! I'm a FA. I'm not feel myself attracted to skinny women but that's no reason to treat like "b*###*s". It's inconsiderate and disrespectful. 

One of the things the FA movement has failed it's in making it a "us vs them" or "fat vs thin". We have to be careful with our words!

As for my fat admiration is simply a preference. Nothing more than that!


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## Jon Blaze (Feb 3, 2021)

For the longest time I was firmly in the "It's a preference" camp. But now that I'm more comfortable with the idea of fetishes I tend to think of it as a subjective continuum. There are FAs who for all intents and purposes treat it as a normal everyday preference. Their sexual behavior is what many consider to be conventional. Others have a more intense focus on fat itself which is also okay. But I think they're very different approaches. 

As I get older I'm less focused on the idea of being bisizual. Aesthetic beauty aside, I lean more towards just having a wide enough range of preferences in women that the lighter edge of my preferences includes women that are slightly chubby or "thick" like video models. Shape has a become a bigger factor over time too.


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## Rob hudson (Feb 3, 2021)

I never considered being attracted to fat people a fetish. That implies that it's abnormal somehow. I mean, have you ever heard the term "skinny chaser" being bandied about? Nope. Chubby chaser, however, is a thing., even around here. Like it's abnormal or weird to be so attracted. I refuse to put myself in the abnormal or weird category because society thinks I should be.


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## Tad (Feb 3, 2021)

Rob hudson said:


> I never considered being attracted to fat people a fetish. That implies that it's abnormal somehow. I mean, have you ever heard the term "skinny chaser" being bandied about? Nope. Chubby chaser, however, is a thing., even around here. Like it's abnormal or weird to be so attracted. I refuse to put myself in the abnormal or weird category because society thinks I should be.


But 'fetish' doesn't mean 'weird', it means (paraphrasing here) 'requires the fetish object to achieve sexual arousal'. (I mean, it may also be weird, depending on your POV, but the real question in preference vs fetish is whether the person get sexually aroused without fat being involved in some way)


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## Rob hudson (Feb 3, 2021)

I think the point still stands. No one ever says, oh, he/she has a fetish for skinny guys/girls. But if someone likes fat guys/girls, they have a fetish, implying that such a thing is abnormal.


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## BigElectricKat (Feb 3, 2021)

Rob hudson said:


> I think the point still stands. No one ever says, oh, he/she has a fetish for skinny guys/girls. But if someone likes fat guys/girls, they have a fetish, implying that such a thing is abnormal.


I disagree. I've actually know at least one woman that had a fetish for skinny guys. And yes, it was for a semi-weird reason. I'm sure there are people out there that have this same leaning but, your point is taken that the average person does not consider it weird or even odd.


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## Shotha (Feb 3, 2021)

Rob hudson said:


> I never considered being attracted to fat people a fetish. That implies that it's abnormal somehow. I mean, have you ever heard the term "skinny chaser" being bandied about? Nope. Chubby chaser, however, is a thing., even around here. Like it's abnormal or weird to be so attracted. I refuse to put myself in the abnormal or weird category because society thinks I should be.



I've often made the same point. If people who only date fat people have a "fetish", why don't people, who only like skinny people also have a "fetish".

"Fetish" has a broad range of meanings. For a psychologist or psychiatrist to diagnose someone as having a "fetish", then their preference would have to also significantly impair their performance in relationships and their everyday activities. "Fetish" is used in everyday speech to refer to unusual preferences. I think that "unusual" is a better term to use than "abnormal", as it accepts that we are in the minority and is more respectful of sexual diversity. These days "He's got a fat fetish" means little more than "He likes fat boys/girls". The way that I look at my preference is that I just happen to date the most beautiful men around.


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## jrose123 (Feb 3, 2021)

All people have particulars. Some people want thin or fat or young or old or a particular sexual orientation, feeder or feeder, whatever...it's all good. In the end, once you know the person it has to go deeper than the skin. I want someone to want and love me for me. What if a delightfully plump person, a female 375 lbs, 5'5, 48DDD-40-60 began losing weight. Within a year, she ends up 38C-35-52. She's still deliciously fat, but smaller. Would this end a relationship? Why? Was she loved or was her fat being objectified? In my opinion, a fetish is when one aspect of a person is more important than the whole person. No one wants to be anyone's fetish.


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## landshark (Feb 3, 2021)

jrose123 said:


> All people have particulars. Some people want thin or fat or young or old or a particular sexual orientation, feeder or feeder, whatever...it's all good. In the end, once you know the person it has to go deeper than the skin. I want someone to want and love me for me. What if a delightfully plump person, a female 375 lbs, 5'5, 48DDD-40-60 began losing weight. Within a year, she ends up 38C-35-52. She's still deliciously fat, but smaller. Would this end a relationship? Why? Was she loved or was her fat being objectified? In my opinion, a fetish is when one aspect of a person is more important than the whole person. No one wants to be anyone's fetish.



More of this. Please. 

Well said, my friend.


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## stampy (Feb 4, 2021)

I call myself an obesexual. It is a word I made up to explain that my sexual orientation involves me being fat. I have a preference for fat females, and muscle chubs. But I don't need those things to be satisfied. It is a continuum that goes from "I don't care what my partner looks like" to "I have a preference for a certain kind of person" to "I need this in a partner and can't get off without it." I think we need to start looking at fetishes in a new way, as not necessarily unhealthy or abnormal. There are ethical fetishists, then there are the other fetishists. The ethical fat fetishists know there is a heart and soul and brain attached to the fat person, who has their own needs and desires. The other ones only care about the fat and their own needs. I remember meeting a guy with a latex fetish. it was like he literally did not care who I was or what I said or did or wanted or needed, he just wanted me to wear latex. I love ethical fetishists. They are some of the most interesting and passionate people. They are hard to find.


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## BigElectricKat (Feb 4, 2021)

stampy said:


> I call myself an obesexual. It is a word I made up to explain that my sexual orientation involves me being fat. I have a preference for fat females, and muscle chubs. But I don't need those things to be satisfied. It is a continuum that goes from "I don't care what my partner looks like" to "I have a preference for a certain kind of person" to "I need this in a partner and can't get off without it." I think we need to start looking at fetishes in a new way, as not necessarily unhealthy or abnormal. There are ethical fetishists, then there are the other fetishists. The ethical fat fetishists know there is a heart and soul and brain attached to the fat person, who has their own needs and desires. The other ones only care about the fat and their own needs. I remember meeting a guy with a latex fetish. it was like he literally did not care who I was or what I said or did or wanted or needed, he just wanted me to wear latex. I love ethical fetishists. They are some of the most interesting and passionate people. They are hard to find.


Wow! Just... WOW! Sing it sister!!!


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## Rob hudson (Feb 4, 2021)

Obviously no person is single dimensional. I am sure we can all agree that not every person to whom we might be physically attracted will otherwise engage us. It's only one aspect, but an important one. I think it's perfectly acceptable to try to find someone who reaches you on all levels.

For example, in my particular case, I've run into a few women over the years who stirred my hormones like a witch's cauldron, but who for other various reasons left me cold. By contrast, I've run into women that I love talking to, who had a lot in common with me, but had no physical attraction for me at all.

Conventional wisdom says that we should spend more time on the second category and completely toss aside physical attraction. But why? Why is it wrong to want someone who reaches you on all levels?


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## BigElectricKat (Feb 4, 2021)

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with taking that pathway. However, it is rife with its own peril. In my experience, you aren't going to find someone who checks ALL the boxes; won't connect on all levels. If you wait for that to happen, you might find you are collecting Social Security by the time it does! 

I'm not suggesting that people "settle" for whatever comes along. But perhaps prioritize the traits you find most important, most endearing and go from there. I don't know, I could be wrong.


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## Rob hudson (Feb 4, 2021)

Of course not. No one is perfect. However, you should find someone who checks more boxes than not. I thought that was obvious lol.


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## BigElectricKat (Feb 4, 2021)

Or at least check the important boxes. My thought is that other things can be negotiated or worked on.


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## Rob hudson (Feb 4, 2021)

And what those most important boxes are will vary from person to person. For me, as an example, someone who spends all their time on social media and never cracks a book would not be a good fit lol.


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## Shotha (Feb 4, 2021)

stampy said:


> I call myself an obesexual. It is a word I made up to explain that my sexual orientation involves me being fat. I have a preference for fat females, and muscle chubs. But I don't need those things to be satisfied. It is a continuum that goes from "I don't care what my partner looks like" to "I have a preference for a certain kind of person" to "I need this in a partner and can't get off without it." I think we need to start looking at fetishes in a new way, as not necessarily unhealthy or abnormal. There are ethical fetishists, then there are the other fetishists. The ethical fat fetishists know there is a heart and soul and brain attached to the fat person, who has their own needs and desires. The other ones only care about the fat and their own needs. I remember meeting a guy with a latex fetish. it was like he literally did not care who I was or what I said or did or wanted or needed, he just wanted me to wear latex. I love ethical fetishists. They are some of the most interesting and passionate people. They are hard to find.



Your post resonates with me a lot. I like your distinction between ethical fetishists and other fetishists.

I realized quite early in life that I found fat men with big bellies attractive. However, dating such men didn't quite satisfy. My dream was of two fat guys and so I had to be fat too.

I use a dating site for fat gay men. So many men on the site just post photos of their bellies. A disembodied belly leaves me cold. I like good-natured men with bellies. I like to see a guy's face and to find his profile interesting, positive and kind. A sense of humour is a plus. I notice that, when I find a guy with average looks turns out to be sweet and kind, he suddenly looks more attractive, too.

Sometimes, I tell people that I have a "fatish".


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## luckyfa (Apr 4, 2021)

As I am a runner myself, I’ve got quite a few skinny female friends who are runners or cyclists and they are athletic powerhouses in addition to being wonderful people. Some of them weigh less than half as much as my wife. Those who know my wife are not the slightest bit judgmental, neither about me nor about her. They might even feel safer in my presence than in the presence of any other man. 

As a matter of fact, it seems that skinny people are getting more hate than fat people, at least more open hate. My female running friends and myself can attest to this. Our family doctor never said a word about my wife’s weight even at a BMI of >= 40 while I took some heat at a BMI of 21.5.

To answer the initial question, in my experience, it’s more than a mere preference. 

I wouldn’t cheat on my wife anyway, but when I see or meet a beautiful fat woman, even a heavier one than my wife, I might get butterflies in my stomach. This very rarely ever happens with a skinny woman, if at all. My female runner friends seem to sense that, who knows. Even my wife feels entirely comfortable to let me go on a training camp with them.

I’m a heterosexual nearly-exclusive admirer of fat women. I get sexually aroused by the look and feel of my wife’s body fat and its ever-changing proportions. Why should this be a fetish? Maybe it is a fetish when I get more aroused after she has gained some pounds and I notice it before her. Maybe it’s a fetish that I would love to see her to be at her former peak weight again and then gain a bit more. Maybe it’s a fetish that I get aroused by numbers, comparisons, milestones and contrasts such as our weight difference. Even she got caught by those fetishes. 

She loves me skinny and athletic and is aroused by my hard lean muscle mass in my legs. She is aroused that my body is strong enough to carry her weight if she lies on me, stretched out, even though I am skinny. Those too are fetishes, aren’t they? Did she force me to run or deprive me of food? No, she didn’t. Nor did I prevent her from exercising and make her eat to become fat.


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## Jon Blaze (Apr 4, 2021)

I think most of us would disagree with your comment regarding discrimination. We have entire systems in society based on specific body types for people to the point that it is discriminatory. Fat people have to shop at different stores, can't fit into certain spaces, and get regularly berated (whether subtle or overt) from many angles. Our own members here have died from illnesses because doctors felt the reason for their problems were all tied to their weight. That's way deeper than calling someone a stick or telling them they need to eat. 

- You also have to consider numbers as well. A BMI of 21.5 is not comparable to one of 40. Not sure why your doc is bugging anyway because 21.5 is considered "Normal". My BMI is just under 30 (5'10 and 205), and I've never had a doctor raised an eyebrow. It helps that I have lots of muscle, but I'm also someone that "doesn't look his size." Maybe if your wife was closer to 55 or 60 I'd see where you're coming from. But I have my own biases too. I'm pretty sure the average BMI of an American woman is like 35 so... 
It may be a false equivalency RE: discrimination of fat vs thin. But thin hatred and insulting does exist. I don't approve of those that act like it doesn't happen. It may be different at the individual level but it's still a thing.

- Preferring partners of a certain body type is not something I would deem a fetish. The behaviors you attach to that (influencing/encouraging change, roleplaying, feeding/cutting based around goals) can be, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as all parties consent. I've actually been experimenting with being a feeder. But I'm a chameleon at this point. If the person I'm with wants me to push them in a certain direction I'm willing to provide that for them. But I've also had average relationships where my partner is large and I don't focus on their size so deeply. Just depends on what is agreed upon.


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## luckyfa (Apr 4, 2021)

Thanks for pointing out that there definitely is fat shaming. I wouldn’t simply generalise my experiences. All I can say is that in my running community where no one is fat no one has ever raised an eyebrow when my wife and I showed up at events. By the way, I was referring to the discussion above that started when skinny women where shamed by one particular member. There definitely is skinny shaming as well, maybe even more aggressive and open at times than fat shaming. I have the impression sometimes that most people bite their tongue in order not to shame fat people openly whereas those “skinny b*****s” are fair game. But again, that’s just me.

As far as shopping for clothes is concerned, I have problems sometimes to find fitting clothes for me because “normal” shops didn’t carry trousers for “normal” men like me with a BMI of 21.5. I once failed to find fitting hiking trousers during a vacation! They weren’t sold out, they didn’t carry small enough sizes.

Well and our doctor, I don’t know. She thought I was too skinny with a BMI of 21.5. Sure, muscle mass can distort the BMI, but I don’t carry any bulk.

I was wondering if the perception of “normal” has silently tipped the scale towards fat acceptance (pun intended) although there certainly is still a huge problem with discrimination and body shaming.


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## Shotha (Apr 4, 2021)

One of the ways that discrimination works against fat people is the assumption that we can only find fat partners. This amounts to an assumption that fat people are "unattractive", which as we know is not correct.

I have a friend, who is coming to terms with the realization that he's never going to be slim. When I told him that I only date fat guys, he asked, "Is that because you can't get anything else?" I had to explain that it was because I prefer fat guys.

I came across another example of this assumption at work a couple of decades ago. The IT department of the company that I worked for started to offer drinks and nibbles to the staff and their partners after work on Fridays in one of the conference rooms. There was a fat guy, who worked in our department. He must have weighed about 400 lb. Let's call him Dave. For a few days before the first drink and nibbles session, there was a lot of speculation about what Dave's wife would be like. I heard lots of nasty comments like, "She'll be some fat, ugly bitch. What other woman would marry a guy like Dave?" Dave was actually a very nice person but this didn't seem to enter into the speculations around the office. Eventually, at the first drinks and nibble session, we met Dave's wife. She was beautiful and attractive by conventional standards. She had been a top model and gave up her career in modeling to marry Dave. So, how she dressed and did her makeup were up to professional standards. She was the sort of woman who turned heads. Unfortunately, this didn't end the nasty comments. I heard people asking, "How does a fat bastard like Dave get a beautiful woman like that? It's just not right. He doesn't deserve her."

The assumption that fat people are less deserving than others has a negative impact on their lives. It doesn't just affect their feelings. It affects the sort of goods and services that are made available to us. Even now B&T stores in New Zealand often fail to stock clothes that are suitable for going on a date or suitable for job interviews. The assumption that fat people don't go on dates and don't get good jobs is still very present.

That's my little rant on this subject.


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