# The Really Bad Joke Thread



## Albino_taters (Nov 9, 2010)

I've got an idea, let's start a thread about bad jokes. I'll start...




What's brown and sticky?


A stick


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## BigChaz (Nov 9, 2010)

Your face
Seriously


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## Sasquatch! (Nov 9, 2010)

So this baby seal walks into a club.....


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## Ninja Glutton (Nov 9, 2010)

What did one wall say to the other wall?

...meetcha in the corner


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## JulieD (Nov 9, 2010)

you know whats a bad joke....this thread... Dont worry, I want to help


Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh:doh:


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## rellis10 (Nov 9, 2010)

A man walks into a bar....



....ouch!


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## jezter6 (Nov 9, 2010)

A trio of bad jokes that all run together as one big horrible joke.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



Because he was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?



He was holding hands with the first monkey.


Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?



Peer pressure.


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## Paquito (Nov 9, 2010)

My old standby.

"What's worse than a bus full of dead babies?"
"Having to eat your way out."


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## Albino_taters (Nov 10, 2010)

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

What's blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff chocking.


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## johniav (Nov 10, 2010)

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted


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## johniav (Nov 10, 2010)

Why did the blonde tip toe around the medicine cabinet?
So she didn't wake up the sleeping pills


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## JulieD (Nov 10, 2010)

Two hillbillies walk into a *restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk *about their moonshine *operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby *table, who is eating a sandwich, *begins to *cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that *she is inreal distress. One of the *hillbillies looks at her and *says, 'Kin ya *swallar?'* * * *The woman shakes her head *no.* * * Then he *asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins *to turn blue and shakes her head no.The hillbilly walks over to *the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers *and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his *tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has *a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her *mouth.As she begins to breathe *again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his *table. * * His partner *says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick *Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do *it!'


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## Bearsy (Nov 10, 2010)

Two bacteria walk into a bar, the bartender tells them to leave saying "We don't serve bacteria in this bar". The bacterium reply, "But we work here, we're staph"

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

An infectious disease walks into a bar and is promptly told to leave. The infectious disease says "Well you're not a good host!"

An infrared photon walk into a bar and says is it hot in here or is it just me?

A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him "Can I help you with your luggage?" To which the photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

A neutrino is in the hotel lobby when it's asked if it wants a room. The nuetrino replies, "No thanks, I'm just passing through."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a pint of beer?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."

How do fish party ?
Seaweed.


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## WillSpark (Nov 10, 2010)

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hi, I'm with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Da-

*slam*


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## WillSpark (Nov 10, 2010)

Women's Rights


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## Venom (Nov 10, 2010)

Paquito said:


> My old standby.
> 
> "What's worse than a bus full of dead babies?"
> "Having to eat your way out."



That makes me think of my fav. dead baby joke

Whats worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies.
Whats worse than that?
A live one underneath.
Whats worse than that?
It has to eat its way out.
Whats worse than that?
It got out.


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## rellis10 (Nov 10, 2010)

Stomach: That kidney's up to something sneaky...
Liver: What makes you say that?
Stomach: Dunno, just a gut feeling.


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## waynet (Nov 10, 2010)

Really bad? dunno, but I like telling this one.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. A man that is wearing an overcoat comes over and flashes them.

The first old lady has a stroke.

The second old lady has a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't quite reach.


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## prplecat (Nov 10, 2010)

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.


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## prplecat (Nov 10, 2010)

Who's the guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
Stu.

Who's the guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art.


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## Venom (Nov 10, 2010)

A man goes to his best friend's house to watch the hockey game. At the end of the first period the man says to his friend,
"You know, we've been friends for a long time and I've always wanted to tell you this, but I really want to fuck your wife."
The friend thinks for a moment before replying,
"Ok. You can fuck my wife, but promise me one thing. You MUST NOT go down on her."
The man says ok, goes upstairs and fucks his friend's wife, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't resist the urge to go down on her. He comes back just as the second period is starting and says to his friend, 
"Man, I'm really sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge to go down on your wife. The weirdest thing happened when I did it though... I got a mouth full of rice."
The friend laughs and says,
"That wasn't rice, she's been dead for a month!"


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## Vageta (Nov 11, 2010)

Ok this is a bad one.....


What do you call the useless folds of skin around the vagina?

...a girl


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## Kazak (Nov 11, 2010)

JulieD said:


> you know whats a bad joke....this thread... Dont worry, I want to help
> 
> 
> Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
> He was looking for Pooh:doh:



why does Tigger bounce through the 100acre wood? he doesn't want to step on Pooh.
----
why won't anyone play with Piglet? because he plays with Pooh.


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## doafm (Nov 11, 2010)

Who's the guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Nov 11, 2010)

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSHHHHHH


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## Melian (Nov 11, 2010)

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.


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## FishCharming (Nov 11, 2010)

Melian said:


> What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?
> 
> Crib death.



HAAHAAHAAAHAAHAA!!! oh i wish i could rep you!!!! :wubu:


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## Melian (Nov 11, 2010)

FishCharming said:


> HAAHAAHAAAHAAHAA!!! oh i wish i could rep you!!!! :wubu:



Here's another, just for you:

Q: Two lesbians and two gay guys are rushing to the airport - who gets there first?

A: The two gay guys. They already had their shit packed.


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## scorpioinco (Nov 14, 2010)

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand store.


What did the mother buffalo say to her son as he left for school? 
BI-SON!

:O


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## vinarian (Nov 19, 2010)

so a guy enters ten puns into a contest figuring at least one would win -- unfortunately, no pun in ten did


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## femaleseat (Nov 22, 2010)

Friendship between women: A woman doesnt come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. 
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. 

Friendship between men: A man doesnt come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there


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## freakyfred (Nov 22, 2010)

I love this thread


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## johnnytattoos (Nov 23, 2010)

"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."


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## JulieD (Nov 23, 2010)

Why don't fat people skinny dip? Because they chunky dunk!


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## femaleseat (Nov 23, 2010)

johnnytattoos said:


> "Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
> "No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
> "Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
> "Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."


LOL...good one


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## femaleseat (Nov 23, 2010)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.


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## Londonbikerboy (Nov 23, 2010)

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

.....another two if I move my bike.


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## femaleseat (Nov 24, 2010)

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. 

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. 

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said. 

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler. 

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." 

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"


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## fat hiker (Nov 24, 2010)

Three couples are interested in joining a very conservative church - a newlywed couple, a middle-age couple and a retired couple.

The pastor tells them that they must pass a test of their ability to resist temptation before they will be welcome in the church. The test is that they must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Two weeks later the couples return and the pastor asks them if they abstained.

The retired couple says, "No problem," and the pastor welcomes them into the church.

The middle aged man says, "It was rough, I had to sleep on the couch the second week, but we made it," and the pastor welcomes them into the church.

Then the younger man says, "I'm sorry. We really tried, but then one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and she dropped it, and when she bent over to pick it up I was overcome with desire and I took her right there on the spot."

The pastor says "You understand, if you cannot resist carnal desires you will not be welcome in our church," and the husband replies, "Yeah, we understand. We're not welcome in Safeway anymore either."


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## femaleseat (Nov 25, 2010)

A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?

Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you dont know makes a touchdown


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## johnnytattoos (Nov 25, 2010)

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.


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## johniav (Dec 1, 2010)

One day I walked into my school principal's office when I was in 5th grade and said...Principal Bob, I feel LIKE a pair of curtains...and he said John!! pull yourself together!!


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## JayDanger (Dec 2, 2010)

Three friends are stranded on a tropical island and are captures by a tribe of natives. Instead of killing them, the chief says " you are each to go into the woods and gather 10 of one type of fruit. Choose wisely, because these fruit will dictate if we eat you, or let you go". So they all disperse into the woods. The first guy comes out with 10 grapes, and the cheif says "if you want to live, you must insert all 10 grapes into your ass without changing the expression on your face. If you can do that, you can live". So the guy starts packing them in, and when he gets to 9, he flinches, so they kill him. 

The second guy comes out of the jungle with 10 apples. Again he is given the same deal. He gets to apple number 9 and starts busting a guy laughing. The natives kill him. As he goes to the pearly gates, the first guy comes up to him and says "you idiot, you were one apple away, why'd you start laughing?" The guy looks at him and says "I couldn't help it. I saw our other friend coming out of the jungle carrying 10 pineapples."




*Joke 2*


A reporter finds out that Hitler is still alive, and he's hiding in a trailer park in Witchitah. The reporter locates Hitler, and knocks on his door saying "Hitler, I know you're in there. Let me interview you once and I'll make sure everyone leaves you alone". Hitler opens the door and says "alright, one interview, that's all".

The reporter starts his interview by saying "What would you have done if you didn't lose the war?" 
"Well, I would have killed all the Jews alive, a majority of the Gyspsies and gays, and one duck."
"Why the hell would you kill a duck?"
"SEE! I TOLD you nobody gives a FUCK about the jews!"


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## JulieD (Dec 3, 2010)

Marriage is sharing 

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She 
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.. 


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' 

She answered.....the teeth


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## femaleseat (Dec 7, 2010)

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.


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## JulieD (Dec 13, 2010)

Family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, a woman goes through three phases." "In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons: round and firm." "In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit." "After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes. You see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also." "In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard." "In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch: flexible, but reliable." "After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration." Merry Christmas


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## femaleseat (Mar 3, 2011)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! 

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


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## MasterShake (Mar 3, 2011)

Ollie and Lena, a newly-wed couple from Minnesota, are on their way to Minneapolis for their honeymoon. It's a beautiful spring day, and as they're driving, Ollie notices that a little bit of knee is showing past Lena's skirt. With a mischievous grin, Ollie reaches over and places his hand on his wife's bare knee. 

Lena, blushing a bit, grins back and tells her husband, "you know, Ollie, now that we're married, you can go a bit further."

So he drove her to Duluth.


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## MasterShake (Mar 3, 2011)

Q: What did the pillow say to the head?
A: "Get off my case!"


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## tony8 (Mar 18, 2011)

oooo lame jokes I got a billion of those 

duck walks into a bar orders a drink bartender says that will be 6$ the duck looks at him and replies put it on my Bill......

did you know five out of 3 people have trouble with fractions. 

two math books are walking down the street one looks at the other and says dont talk to me buddy I have my own problems


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## CleverBomb (Mar 18, 2011)

Two atoms are walking along* and one turns to the other and says, "I think I just lost an electron!" The other asks, "are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

(*Brownian motion, "Drunkard's Walk," yeah, whatever... hey, I needed to frame the pun!)

-Rusty


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## lovelocs (Mar 18, 2011)

hahahahaha 

View attachment tastes funny.jpg


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## tony8 (Mar 18, 2011)

lovelocs said:


> hahahahaha



hahaha I always tell this joke as cannibals eating a clown guess vultures work too 


reminds me of another joke what is the definition of complete trust ? two cannibal giving each other a blowjob


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## Ola (Mar 22, 2011)

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."


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## lovelocs (Mar 31, 2011)

Him: Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it's too long...

Her: Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you'll never get it...


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## imfree (Mar 31, 2011)

Show And Tell

1) Johnny walked up to the chalk board, took the chalk, and made one small dot. He then announced to his first grade class that it was a period. His teacher then asked him to explain what was so important about a period and he replied "I don't know, but when my 16 year old Sis' said hers was missing yesterday morning, dad had a coronary, mom fainted, and the 18 year boy next door shot himself!".

"Silent" Ones

2) A man in church passed his wife a note that said he broke wind silently. His wife glared back at him and gave him a note to "replace those damn hearing aid batteries when we get home!".


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## tobsterr (Apr 18, 2011)

Why did the boy fall of his bike? Because somebody threw a fridge at him


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## ITheFire (Apr 20, 2011)

What's worse than biting into and apple and finding a worm?




Getting raped by a giant scorpion.


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## imfree (Apr 21, 2011)

ITheFire said:


> What's worse than biting into and apple and finding a worm?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Another good answer: Biting into an apple and finding half-a-worm!:doh:


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## Freedumb (Apr 21, 2011)

What do you call a bear with no teeth? 

A gummy bear.


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.


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## JulieD (May 5, 2011)

Longest nerve in the body.........

Research from the Mayo Clinic...


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve

*that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the

*Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving

*people a shitty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and

*see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.



My public service is done for the day.


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