# Depression and me



## bexy (Nov 27, 2007)

*Apologies if there are other posts about depression but i felt i didnt want to hijack anyone elses posts with my own story.

recently ive been feeling like crap. i can read the signs that if i dont do something soon i will have a big "episode" , ive had 3-4 of these in the past and they have always resulted in unpleasantness, being hospitalised and having to give up my job for example.

i have been on anti depressants for 10 years. i feel very alone in this. every tale i hear or read about anti depressants, it seems ppl are only on them for a short while. i have never been without them since i was 15. atm i am on mirtazipine. i know they have reached a plateau and are no longer working, ive been on them for 2 years. i also know that they are often given to increase appetite and here my doctor was wondering why i had put on weight.

i have an appointment this fri and i want to ask for my meds to be changed. i also want to ask to see my pyschiatrist again. i just really hope he listens to me.

atm i am really struggling. my panic attacks have come back and i went 16 months without having one. in those 16 months i broke up with my ex and met my lovely new bf. he had never seen me have a panic attack until recently and was very loving but i feel guilty on him as i feel its all too much for him to handle. i feel as if ive ruined his life in a lot of ways, he is always short of money now as we live together and have a house to run, previously he lived with his rents for free. so not only is he skint he has to cope with my depression.
i have held back to an extent, as much as i can anyways, as i am so scared of showing him me at my lowest. however i know that if and when i change my meds i will be feeling really bad for a while, and over the xmas period too, and im tryin to explain to him what it will be like without me sounding crazy.

im not even sure why i am posting. i am just a little fed up. i just wondered if there was anyone else here who had experienced panic attacks, experienced a very long time on anti depressants, had any recommendations for the type of medicine i could suggest to my doctor, or any experience explaining their depression to a loved one.

dont get me wrong i am a very bubbly girl and i do try my hardest, but a culmination of a bad childhood and lack of family does get to me sometimes. and i guess thats one of these times now.

sorry to moan just wanted to vent ppl. 

thank u

xo bexy ox*


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## AnnMarie (Nov 27, 2007)

You are NOT alone, just know that. 

I don't have first hand experience with depression of this nature, but I know for a fact there are people around these parts who've struggled with things similar... so I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and I'm sure (hoping, at least) that some will share their experiences so you at least don't feel so isolated in your situation.


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## bexy (Nov 27, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> You are NOT alone, just know that.
> 
> I don't have first hand experience with depression of this nature, but I know for a fact there are people around these parts who've struggled with things similar... so I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and I'm sure (hoping, at least) that some will share their experiences so you at least don't feel so isolated in your situation.



*thanks AM, i feel kinda stupid after posting that. i just needed to. i had never told anyone properly about my depression with the exception of my ex, current bf, and docs. i recently told my supervisor in work who was wonderful about it which shocked me. he told me to stop pretending im ok but the thing is i have done it for so long i cant stop. i have told so many lies to ppl over the years to excuse my actions when the depression is at its worst. 
in some way my OP was a way of sort of anonymously telling ppl about it for the first time.

bexy xo*


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## LoveBHMS (Nov 27, 2007)

You mention having panic attacks, which sound more like anxiety than depression. I don't know if meds have different trade names in the UK, but I've taken Xanax (Alprazolam) for years and I think it's great. It does not just treat the panic attack type of anxiety, but also helps in just "slowing down" your thinking. Like if you get upset or overwhelmed by something, it can stop your mind from racing to the worst possible scenario or just help you be more clear headed.


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## bexy (Nov 27, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> You mention having panic attacks, which sound more like anxiety than depression. I don't know if meds have different trade names in the UK, but I've taken Xanax (Alprazolam) for years and I think it's great. It does not just treat the panic attack type of anxiety, but also helps in just "slowing down" your thinking. Like if you get upset or overwhelmed by something, it can stop your mind from racing to the worst possible scenario or just help you be more clear headed.



*a few years ago i was put on citalopram mainly for anxiety and panic attacks and found whilst it calmed me it didnt lift my mood, which is my main problem.
the panic attacks seem to be a sympton of my depression, mianly spurned by my not wanting to call in sick to work or college, only to get myself worked up and then panicking. 

thank u so much for ur advice tho.*


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## Suze (Nov 28, 2007)

bexylicious said:


> *
> I have been on anti depressants for over 10 years. i feel very alone in this. every tale i hear or read about anti depressants, it seems ppl are only on them for a short while. i have never been without them since i was 15.
> xo bexy ox*



Your not alone...I’ve been on different kinds of anti depressants since I was 12-13, and suffered from the things you mention. When I was about 18, I got a miracle pill (i'm not kidding) my psychiatrist made me realize that I never has been truly "sick". I just have a natural low endorphin level. I guess I have to take them till the day I die to keep in balance.

Is this sometime you could talk about with your doctor?


The pill is called Lamictal btw


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## ChubbyBubbles (Nov 28, 2007)

I can so relate with you!!!! I suffer from anxiety and depression. Depression all my life (abusive childhood and sexually abused) and the anxiety set in when my mom died when I was 15. The only medication that really worked for me is Paxil. Unfortunately I gained 40 pounds in 3 months so my doctor switched me to Cymbalta. Cymbalta did nothing for me and I thought I was going to go crazy!! So, I switched back to Paxil and am just more careful with my food intake. In between switching meds, I was off of both of them completely for 1 week. In that week I was an emotional wreck. I cried at the drop of a hat. I also had bouts of nausea, headaches and extreme mood swings. It's a really difficult thing to deal with and so hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand. Believe me when I tell you I know exactly what you're going through. You need to find a medicine that works for you. One that will make you feel like you're not even on medication. But no matter what, just remember you are not alone! If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me or email me. Hang in there and take care...BIG HUGS!


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## bexy (Nov 28, 2007)

susieQ said:


> Your not alone...Ive been on different kinds of anti depressants since I was 12-13, and suffered from the things you mention. When I was about 18, I got a miracle pill (i'm not kidding) my psychiatrist made me realize that I never has been truly "sick". I just have a natural low endorphin level. I guess I have to take them till the day I die to keep in balance.
> 
> Is this sometime you could talk about with your doctor?
> 
> ...




*thanks susie, i have an appointment this friday morning, all day i seem to have been talking to myself practising exaclty what im going to say to him in order to express myself clearly and also tell him what i want, as i have been through this often enough to know what is gonna work and what wont. i will let u know what he says. *




ChubbyBubbles said:


> I can so relate with you!!!! I suffer from anxiety and depression. Depression all my life (abusive childhood and sexually abused) and the anxiety set in when my mom died when I was 15. The only medication that really worked for me is Paxil. Unfortunately I gained 40 pounds in 3 months so my doctor switched me to Cymbalta. Cymbalta did nothing for me and I thought I was going to go crazy!! So, I switched back to Paxil and am just more careful with my food intake. In between switching meds, I was off of both of them completely for 1 week. In that week I was an emotional wreck. I cried at the drop of a hat. I also had bouts of nausea, headaches and extreme mood swings. It's a really difficult thing to deal with and so hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand. Believe me when I tell you I know exactly what you're going through. You need to find a medicine that works for you. One that will make you feel like you're not even on medication. But no matter what, just remember you are not alone! If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me or email me. Hang in there and take care...BIG HUGS!



*bubbles, thank u so much for this. ur situtation has a lot of similarities to mine and it truly helps to know ppl not only understand but have been there. like i said above, im seeing my doc on fri and really hope its a successful visit. Cymbalta has been mentioned to me by a friend also so i may enquire about it.*


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## Suze (Nov 28, 2007)

bexylicious said:


> *thanks susie, i have an appointment this friday morning, all day i seem to have been talking to myself practising exaclty what im going to say to him in order to express myself clearly and also tell him what i want, as i have been through this often enough to know what is gonna work and what wont. i will let u know what he says. *
> 
> great, keep us updated


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## Sweet_Serenade (Nov 28, 2007)

I can relate.
For the longest time i struggled with a depression which pretty much paralyzed me.
I had a bad row of events go in my life.
My whole childhood I was really sheltered.
My family never encouraged me, they were verbally and physically abusive.
Just terrible people, quite honestly.
Whom no longer even acknowledge that I exist, nor would I want them to be a part of my life. 
And before getting into the wonderful relationship I'm in now, I was with an abusive, disturbed individual.
I was left with no self image, just a complete wreck for the longest time.
I tried medication, it had bad side effects, gave me mood swings, I would lash out or just not respond at all to anybody. 
I ditched medication, I know it may work for some, but I can't say I have anything good to say about it, from my own experiences anyway.

After a long time though, my depression just sort of got better, as my quality of life improved. People got supportive around me. When I began to feel like people finally cared.
I just got better slowly, began taking a lot of time out to just think, and reflect. Took a good long look in the mirror and began to see all of the things in my life I had to be thankful for.

I know it doesn't work like that for everybody who has depression. I just wanted to say I've been there, I can relate, I know how scary it can be. You shouldn't be scared to show your BF the lowest you can feel. That's all part of being in love, being able to show the skeletons in our closet to another for once. Be honest, or it might just eat at you, making you more depressed. The more I tried to hide my emotions, the worse my anxiety got. I'd recommend you be as honest as possible with him.

I truly wish you the best of luck. I hope you get better.


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## Friday (Nov 29, 2007)

Depression isn't always the result of chemical imbalances. Sometimes it's situational depression. Both need to be addressed. In your case Sweet, it sounds like you needed to get out of a horrible situation so pills would have done more harm than good. For Bexy (and some people I love), it's a chemical imbalance that must be corrected. That requires meds.

I hope that you both get the best possible outcomes.


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## gameguy (Nov 29, 2007)

I've struggled with dysthymia for the whole of my adult life, and I'm in the middle of what's known as a 'double depression' for the lack of a better term. I cannot deal with the side effects of any of the current medications, so I'm working on it through cognitive therapy. I did have a few years on Prozac, which did help my panic attacks, but after a while I felt like a zombie.

Recently, I discovered I have sleep apnea, and to be honest, I feel a little better now that I have a CPAP machine.

You are not alone. You might want to check out some of the support groups on some of the social networking sites, or you are certainly welcome to stop by Gameguy thinks..., which is my own site where I discuss using play as therapy for depression.


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## bexy (Nov 29, 2007)

gameguy said:


> I've struggled with dysthymia for the whole of my adult life, and I'm in the middle of what's known as a 'double depression' for the lack of a better term. I cannot deal with the side effects of any of the current medications, so I'm working on it through cognitive therapy. I did have a few years on Prozac, which did help my panic attacks, but after a while I felt like a zombie.
> 
> Recently, I discovered I have sleep apnea, and to be honest, I feel a little better now that I have a CPAP machine.
> 
> You are not alone. You might want to check out some of the support groups on some of the social networking sites, or you are certainly welcome to stop by Gameguy thinks..., which is my own site where I discuss using play as therapy for depression.



*thank u gameguy for your reply, i had never heard the term dysthymia before, just wikipedia'd its ass and it sounds like me! i have been through CBT therapy. I HATED IT. the women was horrid. so i gave up  tho i am coming to terms with the fact it may have been that therapist and as i have moved districts if i ask for it again i will definitely get a different one so maybe!

ur site is very cool btw thank u for sharing

xo*


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## Kimmiekins (Dec 1, 2007)

Lots of what you say sounds very familiar. I have only been on anti-depressants for a year now, but feel I should have started much sooner. Depression and anxiety runs in my family, but I never felt affected until it hit me full force last year after a bad bad breakup. I went on Welbutrin, which helped with the depression, but not with the anxiety. And yeah, my poor boyfriend had to suffer through horrible anxiety attacks (my attacks were cyclical and debilitating). I am now on Welbutrin and Zoloft and the Zoloft worked wonders. It has been a blessing.

There is no reason to suffer when you don't have to. I am planning on staying on these meds for a little while because I do not want to go back where I was. 

Anyway, good luck with the new meds!


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## fatchick (Dec 1, 2007)

Bexy,
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I'm a licensed professional counselor so I have a lot of experience with depression and panic attacks. Definitely talk to your doctor about your concerns. Hopefully, he will slowly take you off you current meds while he introduces a new one so the transition will not be as bad. Be sure to tell your doctor about the panic attacks b/c while all SSRI antidepressants work the same way, some are activating (stimulating) and some are not. You definitely want one that is not stimulating if you are having panic attack.
Good luck.


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