# WHY Do Women Settle? Anyone?



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

I have a friend/coworker who is killing me, I swear. I just want to grab her by her uber-permed 1991 hair and SCREAM until my throat is raw, "WHY are you dating a bucktoothed, illiterate, UGLY, scuzzy, passionless IDIOT?" I mean, this isn't like settling for a guy who's a little homely but really nice to her and showers her with love and gifts. This guy's a jerk about her religion and has never taken her out for a date to anywhere but McDonald's and the DMV. (I'm not kidding.) 

Sure, she's fat, but very pretty. She has beautiful, strong-looking legs. She's a hard worker. And God forgive me for the stereotype, but she has beautiful eyes and overall a pretty face. She's not ugly or stupid or cursed with a bad figure. 

She's been dating him for a matter of WEEKS (six or eight), and they're talking marriage. He's 24 and doesn't do his own laundry. His mom (who has MS) or grandma does it. He does not cook his own meals because he doesn't know how to cook. If his mom is out of town, he eats at his grandmother's, or now, his girlfriend's. He literally didn't know how to turn the stove on. (From what I understand, he looked for the knobs around the burner. Ryan already asked if he was learning disabled, and no, he's not.) She is not allowed to go over to his apartment. They must hang out either at his mom's or at her mom's. She's 28 and has a college degree. He cannot read.

Seriously, WHY do women settle? I know this has been done over and over, but I'm puzzled.


----------



## ScreamingChicken (May 3, 2006)

REALLY, REALLY low self esteem and a personal belief that they don't deserve happiness because they are fat.


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

I don't know, but if she dumps him, please give him my phone number (help him dial if he can't figure out the buttons on the phone). HOTT!


----------



## Mini (May 3, 2006)

Y'know, if she was a guy I'd recommend you kick the shit out of her.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> I don't know, but if she dumps him, please give him my phone number (help him dial if he can't figure out the buttons on the phone). HOTT!



Oh. My. Done laughing now. All better. I literally fell out of the chair laughing. Now this'll really get your juices flowing, Jes: One of his front teeth turns sideways and is partially rotted. I think if I ran my finger over it, part of it would crumble off.

So, here's a question: Is there a polite way to suggest she break up with the prize?


----------



## Red (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> I don't know, but if she dumps him, please give him my phone number (help him dial if he can't figure out the buttons on the phone). HOTT!



 

Your too fecking funny!


----------



## LillyBBBW (May 3, 2006)

Some people are drawn to people who need them for support and advice. It makes them feel authoritative, wise, strong, etc. When this relationship fails (it probably will) she will find another just like him if not worse. I know a lot of people who are like that. Does your friend fit the profile or do you think she's just blinded by hormones?


----------



## Mini (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Oh. My. Done laughing now. All better. I literally fell out of the chair laughing. Now this'll really get your juices flowing, Jes: One of his front teeth turns sideways and is partially rotted. I think if I ran my finger over it, part of it would crumble off.
> 
> So, here's a question: Is there a polite way to suggest she break up with the prize?



Does she know about this community?


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

Lilly: She's a 28 y/o virgin. I think that's a lot of her problem. She hasn't had a boyfriend in about four years. I also think she likes feeling helpful and hates hurting feelings.

Mini: No she doesn't, but she IS setting up her computer. I'll run it by her.


----------



## LillyBBBW (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> So, here's a question: Is there a polite way to suggest she break up with the prize?



Encourage her to plan trips, event and stuff with him that requires money paid in advance. After he stiffs her on the tab or blows her off without calling a few times she'll dump him herself. It may take a while though. Throw LOTS of social get togethers where everyone brings a date.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

LillyBBBW said:


> Encourage her to plan trips, event and stuff with him that requires money paid in advance. After he stiffs her on the tab or blows her off without calling a few times she'll dump him herself. It may take a while though. Throw LOTS of social get togethers where everyone brings a date.



Awesome plan.


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Oh. My. Done laughing now. All better. I literally fell out of the chair laughing. Now this'll really get your juices flowing, Jes: One of his front teeth turns sideways and is partially rotted. I think if I ran my finger over it, part of it would crumble off.
> 
> So, here's a question: Is there a polite way to suggest she break up with the prize?


Ok, I didn't know about the tooth part. And while I probably would not be interested, the thought of some male companionship DOES sound pretty good right about now.

Who knows. I doubt there's a way you can say anything to her and you probably shouldn't unless some form of abuse major advantage-taking is going on. She's an adult, she'll make her own decisions, perhaps based on reasons you and the rest of us can't know. Maybe his friends are telling him not to date the fattie. Ultimately, if the relationship is a mistake, it's hers to make. All you can do is be a friend to her and give her advice if she asks for it, and give her support either way.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

ONE half-rotted tooth and you're a cold fish? Pfft.

But thanks for the advice.


----------



## Tina (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Lilly: She's a 28 y/o virgin. I think that's a lot of her problem. She hasn't had a boyfriend in about four years. I also think she likes feeling helpful and hates hurting feelings.
> 
> Mini: No she doesn't, but she IS setting up her computer. I'll run it by her.



Great idea. I hope she will be willing to examine her motivations and actions and make a change. I have found that it is far better to be on one's own than in a bad relationship. Far better.


----------



## Jane (May 3, 2006)

So Dick in general isn't the motivation? Well, where's the pleasure of putting up with a loser if you're not getting laid???

Now, I don't get it.

That tooth thing, though....maybe she is in a pool over when it will break off, and she wants to be there to collect.

But, I'm sure she will CHANGE HIM and he will be her KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.

I notice she's living with her Mom, too.

Sick, sad world.


----------



## Sandie S-R (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> ...
> Seriously, WHY do women settle? I know this has been done over and over, but I'm puzzled.



It's very simple. Because they do not believe that they deserve any better.

If you have had it beat into you all your life that you will never find a nice guy if you are fat...it is often that the woman will "settle" for the first man that shows her any real attention. 

Tragic? Yes. Which is why I think we need to spend more time with children (little girls) in building up their sense of self value. Body image and self value is problematic for most women and girls.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

Tina said:


> Great idea. I hope she will be willing to examine her motivations and actions and make a change. I have found that it is far better to be on one's own than in a bad relationship. Far better.



THANK YOU! I've been single for two years for that reason.

And, Jane, if there were a pool, I'd so be in on it.


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

I still say that if colleague's dream is to take care, then she may have met a reasonable partner for her, teeth issue aside. Every couple has some draw to one another, even if we don't see it. Or smell it.
hell, if we let others decide for us, few of us would end up with the partners we're with. 
Like me and Mini. So many said that the 32 foot height difference between us would be impossible to get past, but it's so not true!


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> I still say that if colleague's dream is to take care, then she may have met a reasonable partner for her, teeth issue aside. Every couple has some draw to one another, even if we don't see it. Or smell it.
> hell, if we let others decide for us, few of us would end up with the partners we're with.
> Like me and Mini. So many said that the 32 foot height difference between us would be impossible to get past, but it's so not true!



When the tooth breaks off, I'm mailing it to you.


----------



## lipmixgirl (May 3, 2006)

i am just so disturbed by this... i refuse to settle... is this chick in the nyc metro area??? if so, send her my way and i'll knock some sense into her... if not, get her to the nyc metro area promptly and i'll knock some sense into her...


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

Tennessee. But she's from Utah originally.


----------



## Wagimawr (May 3, 2006)

hayseuss.

that's really really sad, actually, but short of actual brainwashing and/or physical harm/threats, she might just be SOL

or an epiphany hasn't whacked her upside the head yet.


----------



## moonvine (May 3, 2006)

Is she extroverted? If so she may need to be around people and think she "has" to have a boyfriend.

Honestly, not having had a boyfriend in over a year myself, sometimes it gets tempting to settle. I get tired of travelling and doing *everything* alone, even though I actually love being alone. I'm so glad every night when I come home and there's no one there but me and the kitties. I know this sounds like a contradiction, and I guess it is, but it gets tiresome always asking for a table for one. 

She may have had a mother like I had. My mother always told me that guys didn't like fat girls and I'd never have a boyfriend or get married until I lost weight. (I was all of a size 14 at the time, oh so fat) I remember every Sunday I would go and get the paper and look at the wedding announcements and see if there were any brides in the paper who were fatter than me. If there were I would feel "safe" and dare to hope that one day I might actually get married.

Anyway, I don't settle. At all. Of course, since I don't settle, I'm alone. If I settled, I *might* not be alone, but that isn't worth it to me. Clearly it is to her, though.


----------



## Jack Skellington (May 3, 2006)

First of all, I don't think settling is a uniquely female trait.

People often feel bad when they see others that they think are settling. But on the other hand it's hard to feel sorry for the person settling when there are so many decent normal men and women out there being overlooked and going dateless.

Plus, like Jes mentioned, one person's settle is another's perfect match. There is no real rhyme or reason of what attracts people to each other. 

I'm also reluctant to falling into the trap of blaming culture or society for the choices people make in their lives. Humans are much more in control of their own actions than they'd ever like to admit. Ultimately People have to make their own choices (and mistakes) and hopefully learn from them.


----------



## RedHead (May 3, 2006)

I so feel for this girl....she obviously has self esteem issues and also a desperate need to feel wanted and most likely doesn't even understand how being with this guy is only feeding her own "mental" emotional vampire.

SL....as a friend; tell her the truth....you may lose her as a friend; but real friends tell the truth; tactfully, but truthfully.


----------



## MoonGoddess (May 3, 2006)

Low self esteem or insecurities aside, some people just want to "fix" others. Maybe she thinks her love and attention :wubu: will make him better, smarter. Less of a loser.

MoonGoddess


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

And maybe, being inexperienced, she just wants to get some experience with someone who is showing some interest. Sure, a few weeks of dating is a bit quick for marriage talk (my skin crawls at the thought, but that's me) but for now, she's learning how to socialize, how to make small talk, how to understand what being in a r-ship is all about, maybe how to get laid, etc. One can't find those things out in a vaccuum. Hopefully she'll decide what's important to her, what she really wants in someone. She needs experiences like this to get there.


----------



## ripley (May 3, 2006)

moonvine said:


> Anyway, I don't settle. At all. Of course, since I don't settle, I'm alone.




Same here. And it does get old after awhile. I mean...are there enough quality guys that would date a ssbbw to go around? It doesn't seem like it to me. How long can you hold out for something better if something better NEVER comes?

And what if everyone is telling him not to settle for ME? 




P.S. Sorry for the downer post. I'm having a bad day.


----------



## moonvine (May 3, 2006)

ripley said:


> Same here. And it does get old after awhile. I mean...are there enough quality guys that would date a ssbbw to go around? It doesn't seem like it to me. How long can you hold out for something better if something better NEVER comes?
> 
> And what if everyone is telling him not to settle for ME?
> 
> ...



Well, numerically there are nowhere near enough men of any kind who like fat women (let alone quality ones) to date all the available fat women, unless you are open to a poly arrangement, which I'm not. It does cause somewhat of a pickle.


----------



## TraciJo67 (May 3, 2006)

LillyBBBW said:


> Some people are drawn to people who need them for support and advice. It makes them feel authoritative, wise, strong, etc. When this relationship fails (it probably will) she will find another just like him if not worse. I know a lot of people who are like that. Does your friend fit the profile or do you think she's just blinded by hormones?



I know *my* hormones revved into overdrive when SL started describing his twisted, rotted tooth. Oh, baby. Baby, mine. I'm imagining that sweet, sweet lover's breath.


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

ripley said:


> Same here. And it does get old after awhile. I mean...are there enough quality guys that would date a ssbbw to go around? It doesn't seem like it to me. How long can you hold out for something better if something better NEVER comes?
> 
> And what if everyone is telling him not to settle for ME?
> 
> ...


Momma hears you, ripster. This is what I say: there probably aren't enough quality guys to go around (no reflection on you guys--it's a numbers game). And maybe you don't have to marry them and give them all (or half) of your money, ripster, but maybe ... enjoy what they can offer you, just for a change. That's the point I'm at (or trying to get to, at least). I mean, snaggle teeth aside. Think of it this way: we all have different types of friends. Some we just adore, and want to spend every minute with. Others...well, we'd go see a movie with them, but not tell them lots of personal stuff. Others we'd go have dinner with, but not at a restaurant that serves liquor, b/c they're loud when they're drunk.

So maybe find some male companionship in the same vein. Is it Tony-the-Tiger GREEEAAAT!? Probably not. Is it better than spending every night on the couch, just to shake it up? Sure.


----------



## BigBawdyDame (May 3, 2006)

Personal opinion: Women in general have been taught since birth that they are not 'real women without a man and/or children'. That means that often times women with low self-esteem will settle for the this man that shows them any attention. It's very sad, and I wish I could teach all these women to be happy with who they are and what they have to offer the world.


----------



## moonvine (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> So maybe find some male companionship in the same vein. Is it Tony-the-Tiger GREEEAAAT!? Probably not. Is it better than spending every night on the couch, just to shake it up? Sure.



I love my couch.:wubu:


----------



## FitChick (May 3, 2006)

A lot of fat women (esp. those fat from childhood) have low self-esteem (hence the need for a movement like fat acceptance). Women (and men) with low SE often settle because they think they don't deserve better. But that is not limited to fat women...lots of thin women do the same because of low SE for other reasons.


I settled for my husband when we married....I was 24, he was 26. I prefer much older men (early to late 50s)....in my mind, I was settling since he was a younger man. I reasoned that eventually he would be the right age (in his 50s)...but then, I'd be older TOO! (lol)


----------



## Jane (May 3, 2006)

Wagimawr said:


> or an epiphany hasn't whacked her upside the head yet.


ROFLMAO and people are walking by my office, staring.


----------



## Jane (May 3, 2006)

I know I've posted this before, but I think this bears repeating...

I was walking by the desk of one of the young women I work with. She said, "Jane, don't you think all women settle. I mean, we don't wait for Prince Charming." I looked at her a minute, and said, "Yeah, and we're all little fucking princesses."


----------



## FitChick (May 3, 2006)

My husband works with a woman who was 400 lbs or so. She would complain to him (as a friend/co worker) that she was overweight and "have to lose it for health reasons". She claimed her doctor told her she would die if she didn't lose it.

My husband tried complimenting her the way she looks NOW (he likes bigger women, so he was not lying)....to no avail. I explained to him that fat people (esp women) who have always been fat have had all their lives to have it hammered into them that they are ugly/undesireable/you fill in the blank. It takes a MAJOR toll, and he needed to grasp that reality. I told him, "You can't fix her mindset overnight".

To make a long story shorter, she got the WLS and now has a website with before and after pics posted. She said a very revealing thing to my husband recently: "Now that I'm losing the weight, guys mwill ask me out on dates!"

(I thought the WLS was for her health, and her dr saying she would die without it?)

I do not understand why some women claim WLS is for health when deep down its for looks!


----------



## ciaobella (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Lilly: She's a 28 y/o virgin. I think that's a lot of her problem. She hasn't had a boyfriend in about four years. I also think she likes feeling helpful and hates hurting feelings.
> 
> Mini: No she doesn't, but she IS setting up her computer. I'll run it by her.



Ok, I normally don't bother giving my two cents...but here goes.

I was a 23 y/o virgin and suffered from the same blinding infatuation with my first bf. When you are used to getting no attention from the opposite sex and then all of a sudden you meet someone who seems to be into you it can be hard to think with your head. However, I'm a smart chick and in the end my awful relationship lasted only 8 weeks (yes that's right the fat chick he said couldn't do better than him and should be grateful he was with her ended it  ). End of story. 

What I would suggest you do is help her see that he is not her only option, i.e. by getting her to go out more with you (for me finding dating sites dedicated to bbw and fa community helped),etc. The only way for it to click for her to leave him is for her to see she not only deserves better but can get better!

P.S. If it helps tell her my story; I am now engaged to someone at least 1000 times better


----------



## Tad (May 3, 2006)

OK, from what you've said, I'm pretty sure that sticking with this guy will not lead to a happy life for her, but still I think that there is another side to this.

First of all, I know you haven't shaken her yet, but have you asked her? Not in a critiquing way, but levelling, request for information way, why she is dating him? Almost for sure she sees something there that you aren't--whether that is real or a projection of her desires is another issue, and one that almost everyone can face.

I've known a few very educated women with fantastic marriages to guys who you would not have expected them to be with. She's a senior electronics design engineer, he does landscaping in the summer and drives a snow plow in the winter type situations. The thing is, it worked, because in these cases the woman liked this sort of guy. They wanted a stereotypical "guy" who worked with his hands, came home dirty, sweaty, and looking for a beer, who views a monster truck show as high entertainment. Why that appeals to them I couldn't tell you, but then again I'm attracted to fat people, who am I to question what interests anyone else?

By the same token, there are some guys who would be totally happy married to a woman who did not a lick of housework, worked part time in a nail salon, spent hours every day on her hair and make up, and who views the National Enquirer as heavy reading. I can't see the attration there either, but you see it.

In both cases I think it probably has to do with their internal definitions of what is masculine or what is feminine.

Now, it is possible that in general she would not choose to date someone like this guy at all, and this has nothing to do with it. Then again, it is possible that while she could do better than this guy, she will end up with someone like this guy, because that is what she is looking for.

Of course, if you do get her onto Dimensions, I just hope she doesn't feel violated as hell by all of us speculating on her love life.

Regards;

-Ed


----------



## moonvine (May 3, 2006)

FitChick said:


> To make a long story shorter, she got the WLS and now has a website with before and after pics posted. She said a very revealing thing to my husband recently: "Now that I'm losing the weight, guys mwill ask me out on dates!"
> 
> (I thought the WLS was for her health, and her dr saying she would die without it?)
> 
> I do not understand why some women claim WLS is for health when deep down its for looks!



There are lots of women who have WLS for looks. There are lots of women who have breast implants, tummy tucks, etc for looks too. 

BTW, she's probably right. The thinner she gets, the more male attention she'll get.

Yes, yes, I know.....you had more men flirt with you when you were fat. That isn't my experience, and it isn't most women's either.


----------



## BBW Betty (May 3, 2006)

Sandie S-R said:


> If you have had it beat into you all your life that you will never find a nice guy if you are fat...it is often that the woman will "settle" for the first man that shows her any real attention.



Sad, but so true. Being a 28-year old virgin isn't the problem. The problem is being afraid that if you don't grab on to whomever shows a little interest, you will end up alone.

It just reminds me of all the years my mother said, "Why don't you lose some of that weight so you can get a job and get a man?" Until she is able to love herself as she is, she will be susceptible to this type of relationship. 

As a few others have also said, she may want to feel "needed." Sounds more like a co-dependency thing here than just being a helper, though. 

She'll have to learn from her own mistakes, though. SL, I would say to give advice if she asks for it, be there for her if it falls apart w/o saying, "I told you so," and yes, yes, yes, show her the Dimensions site and others like it.


----------



## mossystate (May 3, 2006)

"Yeah, and we're all little fucking princesses."[/QUOTE]


Bravo!I really love that.

This is not a problem that only women experience.Unless she starts whining all the time about the guy,or you are a VERY good friend,I say keep your feelings to yourself..again..unless she is obviously wanting your advice.Or get her on this site and we will all preach at her. 

Sounds like bad teeth has nothing to do with what a leech he is.Hell, maybe they both like teeth and the perms...groovy.


----------



## TallFatSue (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I have a friend/coworker who is killing me, I swear. I just want to grab her by her uber-permed 1991 hair and SCREAM until my throat is raw, "WHY are you dating a bucktoothed, illiterate, UGLY, scuzzy, passionless IDIOT?"


Gadzooks, this sounds like a fairy tale romance -- out of Monty Python's Flying Circus:


Monty Python said:


> And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the river bank to see if they could find another prince. Everyone was fishing that day, the carpenter and the candlemaker and the blacksmith and the window-dresser and his friend, and the hangman and all his apprentices, and the secret policeman, and the narcotics salesman and his aunty, but not a prince for miles. Until... Mitzi's eyes suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping willow tree and there, sure enough, was a prince.
> 
> He was rather thin and spotty with a long nose and bandy legs and nasty unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, a prince is a prince, and she fell in love with him without another thought. [She leaps on top of him and engages him passionately.] And after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with her. And very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto's permission to wed, as this prince didn't read the newspapers any more than the others did, decadent, dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were.


Sure he's vile, but he's a PRINCE.


----------



## AnnMarie (May 3, 2006)

Jes said:


> I don't know, but if she dumps him, please give him my phone number (help him dial if he can't figure out the buttons on the phone). HOTT!




I swear the boards just want me to spread 'em... that's all it keeps telling me.


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

AnnMarie said:


> I swear the boards just want me to spread 'em... that's all it keeps telling me.


just promise me you'll make up for it later, lady! you know i love the love.


----------



## Jane (May 3, 2006)

AnnMarie said:


> I swear the boards just want me to spread 'em... that's all it keeps telling me.


As long as I'm spreading 'em, I repped Jes for you.


----------



## Jes (May 3, 2006)

Awww, you sweet girl, you.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 3, 2006)

I'm leaning toward asking her WHY she's dating him. I think she is pretty extroverted. I'm going to try to get her to go out next Thursday with me, and hopefully I can pry her away from her boyfriend.


----------



## Wagimawr (May 3, 2006)

Or bring him along - sounds like she's never seen how he acts in public...


----------



## moonvine (May 3, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I'm leaning toward asking her WHY she's dating him. I think she is pretty extroverted. I'm going to try to get her to go out next Thursday with me, and hopefully I can pry her away from her boyfriend.



There's a line you have to walk, I think. I was dating an abusive guy at one time and ended up in the battered women's shelter three times. My friends kept telling me he was abusive. I'd get angry and defend him. But they kept sending me all these battered women's resources until I finally listened. Heh. So if he is abusive in any way, including having unprotected sex with other women and not telling her (assuming they move to where they are having sex), I'd definitely say something.

This instant involvement thing, where they are talking marriage after just a few weeks, is a big fat red flag for abuse. But abusers tend to be really charming at first - that's how they get you in your clutches. And it sounds like this guy is pretty uncharming.

If he just sucks and has bad teeth, that's harder.


----------



## Ryan (May 4, 2006)

Am I the only one who thinks that TSL is trying to ruin this relationship so that _she_ can date that guy?

Anyhoo; I have no idea why women settle. Or why anyone settles. My time is too valuable to waste it on someone whose company I don't truly enjoy. Is it possible that she actually likes this guy for some reason?


----------



## Ash (May 4, 2006)

Yeah, Ryan, I totally got that too. But who can blame her, really? I bet his tongue can work wonders without the burden of teeth getting in the way.


----------



## Ryan (May 4, 2006)

Ashley said:


> Yeah, Ryan, I totally got that too. But who can blame her, really? I bet his tongue can work wonders without the burden of teeth getting in the way.



Good point. I wonder if he has a single sister in her mid to late 20's?


----------



## Ryan (May 4, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I'm leaning toward asking her WHY she's dating him. I think she is pretty extroverted. I'm going to try to get her to go out next Thursday with me, and hopefully I can pry her away from her boyfriend.



I can appreciate your concern for your friend, but I'm not so sure that blatantly interfering with their relationship is such a good idea. If it backfires, it could turn her against your or even make her more determined to stay with him.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (May 4, 2006)

I think "why do women settle" is a very complicated question and not easy to answer.

What do you know about her background? Is her home life abusive or alcoholic?

Is she a survivor of childhood sexual abuse?

Does she have an eating disorder or suffer from depression?

So many things could be going on. He may be a better choice than the home she has now. He may be the lesser of 2 evils. He may treat her like a Queen within the confines of their relationship. Remember you are only hearing her side of things. 

I would suggest - as her friend - keep being her support system. And even if you hate the way you see things going - be her friend - love her and be subtle in what you do to try to encourage her to get away from this guy, she may need your help someday. Alienating her could mean when she needs a friend she has none.

I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and my best friend loved me through it and helped me out of it. 

This is a situation where you best walk on eggshells.

JMHO


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 4, 2006)

Ryan said:


> Good point. I wonder if he has a single sister in her mid to late 20's?



Yes he does! I've already taken the liberty of giving her your number... And address. 

I don't think her homelife was abusive or sucky. Who knows? I think she's just super-lonely. 

And I'd never shake her and scream the question, Ryan. That's just how I talk to you!

And only *HALF* the tooth is rotted, people. Get the story right!


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (May 4, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> And only *HALF* the tooth is rotted, people. Get the story right!



Oh well then that's different.................nevermind.:bow:


----------



## MisticalMisty (May 4, 2006)

Ok..let me be the devil's advocate in a way I guess.

What if she isn't settling? YOU may think that he's worthless and has a face only a mother could love..but maybe it's not as bad as you think.

I happen to believe that everything happens for a reason and everyone crosses your path for a reason. I'm not sure I would want to be the one fooling with umm..fate? destiny? Who knows.

We all have different standards..what is settling to some, may not be settling to others. 

I would just leave it be. I know it will drive you crazy..and you are just looking out for her..but it WILL bite you in the ass..BEEN THERE DONE THAT! People in general get kinda goofy and turn their listening ears off when it comes to someone they are interested in and/or in love with. It happens all too frequently. I say just be there for support if something should happen.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 4, 2006)

I suppose. You do have a point, Misty. I just think men that can read are really hot.


----------



## FitChick (May 4, 2006)

moonvine said:


> There are lots of women who have WLS for looks. There are lots of women who have breast implants, tummy tucks, etc for looks too.
> 
> BTW, she's probably right. The thinner she gets, the more male attention she'll get.
> 
> Yes, yes, I know.....you had more men flirt with you when you were fat. That isn't my experience, and it isn't most women's either.




Yes, I had more men flirt with me when I was fat BUT they did not start flirting with me until AFTER I began dressing up, wearing makeup, and showing that I cared about my appearance. I think what they were flirting with was the new CONFIDENCE level (as reflected by the attention to outward appearances). I really don't think the flirting had anything to do with the body size, fat OR thin.


As for the settling issue....please don't take this the wrong way (though I know somebody will)....but a fat woman dating is kind of like trying to sell a house, esp. one that needs some cosmetic work.

A woman who has been fat ALL her life has had to cope with a lifetime of hearing/believing she won't ever get ANYONE. So the first offer she gets, she tends to think she must take it or she might not get another.

Its like that with houses that need some work. Real estate agents will pressure the seller with things like, "You know, your house needs work, not everyone is willing to settle for it. You might as well take this first offer or you might not get anotherm and then you will kick yourself later for not having taken it when you had the chance".

Fat women and owners of houses should both look at things the same way: don't settle for less than you know you deserve! Hold out because eventually a great offer will come along! Just as another agent said to me (right before we got a great offer after waiting longer), "There is a buyer for EVERY house", I believe there is someone for EVERYONE.


(btw I speak from recent experience as far as selling houses goes.


----------



## Jes (May 4, 2006)

"Some days, it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps."
-Emo Philips


----------



## olivefun (May 4, 2006)

I haven't read all the replies here.

I have to tell you that the way to get her to see the light is to fill her well.
Tell her how wonderful she is.
Encourage her to do things that would fill her esteem.

He wouldn't fit with her new found self-confident self.


I also wanted to say that sometimes you date someone that you think may be a 5 out of 10, but is pleasant company so you continue to see them.
They may not be perfect but nice enough to date casually.

As you see the hidden aspects of their personality, the more wonderful picture is painted, the 5 out of 10 may become a 7 or an 8.

Once you share intimate moments together, they can become more and more of what your ideal is.

At the start, what you may have been looking for and what they were, may not be so in synch.

It may simmer into something pretty fantastic though.

I am going through this process now (not as dramatically as I paint the numbers for you) and I am so loving the discovery process.
It is real fun.

I guess the thing is, you never know.


----------



## MisticalMisty (May 4, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I suppose. You do have a point, Misty. I just think men that can read are really hot.


Oh, I totally agree..I've always wanted an intellectual man..maybe an engineer or something to that effect.

I was close minded for awhile and then went the total opposite direction..being open to everyone.

The guy I'm talking to know is a truck driver..in the past..I probably would have snubbed him..but he's really intelligent, funny and I'm totally attracted to him..


Go figure!

Now..don't get all pissy at me about saying I would have snubbed him...I had an ideal person in mind..and I wanted a man that was just as educated as I was..But, I've grown up and realized that just because a person doesn't have a degree..doesn't make them any less of a person


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 12, 2006)

Update: I asked her why the hell she was dating him. Her answer: There's nothing that great about him, but I don't want to sit at the house alone.

AGH!


----------



## GeorgeNL (May 12, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Update: I asked her why the hell she was dating him. Her answer: There's nothing that great about him, but I don't want to sit at the house alone.
> 
> AGH!



Mmm. I doubt if it would be a good idea to try to change her mind. You might loose a friend, and she'll do it anyway. Sometimes, people have to make their mistakes, otherwise they won't learn. 
My guess is, that she'll discover that he doesn't fill the emptyness in her life as she hopes.


----------



## FitChick (May 12, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Update: I asked her why the hell she was dating him. Her answer: There's nothing that great about him, but I don't want to sit at the house alone.
> 
> AGH!




Sheesh. I know she is your friend and I don't mean this personally but..I sure hope I don't see her on Springer some morning. You know, that, "I DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" And he says (with a toothless smirk), "BECAUSE YORE A FAT BIIIITCH!"

(MAJOR SIGH)


----------



## olivefun (May 12, 2006)

This fear of being alone is something.

Maybe she needs to see some other alternative.
I mean ...be out with a jerk or being alone at home.
Maybe that equation has to be altered.

If she doesn't want to be creative about ways to spend her time, you cannot help her.

I find that having someone to date or feel romantic about; changes our dna somehow.

I like the "me" that is dating someone better than the one that isn't.
Caring for a really wonderful person that you admire and respect, who sees you as a real prize has an effect on a variety of parts of your life.

Maybe she gets something from this relationship that is invisible to us.

I hate the "me" that is not being appreciated by a partner.
For me, being single is way better than wishing I was.


----------



## Tad (May 12, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Update: I asked her why the hell she was dating him. Her answer: There's nothing that great about him, but I don't want to sit at the house alone.
> QUOTE]
> 
> Hmmm, the question that pops into my mind is: is she dating him looking for a long term relationship, or dating him to get out of the house and have some fun, with the plan that this is not serious? Not that these plans always (or even often) work as we intend, but I could understand deciding "Hey, I should get out there and date, and since mr. right is showing no signs of coming along, I'll date whoever is available and who seems reasonably safe." or something like that. I know I made a decision like that at one point, although I promptly stumbled into good fortune and have over a decade with the first woman I dated after making that decision.
> ...


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 12, 2006)

Well, she cancelled our plans to go out yesterday. Instead, I'm dragging her full force out next week.


----------



## Jes (May 12, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Well, she cancelled our plans to go out yesterday. Instead, I'm dragging her full force out next week.


Take giblets with you.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 12, 2006)

Giblets thinks he doesn't need a shirt to work in the freezer. I'm not sure he's ready to be set loose in public... or that he's even potty-trained.


----------



## Jes (May 12, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Giblets thinks he doesn't need a shirt to work in the freezer. I'm not sure he's ready to be set loose in public... or that he's even potty-trained.


he's got a place to hang 2 belts though, and that probably comes in handy.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 12, 2006)

I'll send him your way.


----------



## CurvaceousBBWLover (May 13, 2006)

She has some serious self-esteem issues. She can do better than that guy.


----------



## Jes (May 13, 2006)

I so want to believe this, and please don't take this to be some rampant self-hatred, but isn't it possible that she can't? I mean, even if we're just talking the numbers game, how many people end up alone in this life just b/c there isn't a lid for every pot? I've known perfectly decent people, even family members of mine, who simply never found a partner even though they were out and about every day of their lives. it just doesn't happen for some people. If she's gaining some social skills by seeing this guy, I don't see the catastophe.


----------



## olivefun (May 13, 2006)

I have a friend. She is beautiful, brilliant, successful and smart. She earns a great deal of money because of her business acumen. SHE is single. 
Why? 
I really don't know. 
She weighs less than I do but is a BBW with incredible clothes style and flair. 

She goes to match makers and dates on line and whatever else and it always ends poorly. Me, on the other hand is always meeting the most wonderful men who are happy to date me. 

She is a far better catch. 

If she was a man with a quarter of the same qualities, she would be seen as a fantastic prize. Is the measuring stick we use to look at men and women different? 

In a word, yes. 

If a man can manage to pee right into the toilet without getting it on himself. 

I worked at a place where the women used to judge one another in terms of wearing the same pair of shoes for "a second season, imagine that.." 

If a woman cannot change the oil in her car and bake a cherry pie too while being able to be greet her mate at the door in lingerie, she feels like a failure. 

I exaggerate to prove my point. 

Jes, I have no idea why some of my fantastic friends are single who wish not to be, I only know that things really do change... eventually.


----------



## GeorgeNL (May 13, 2006)

Jes said:


> I so want to believe this, and please don't take this to be some rampant self-hatred, but isn't it possible that she can't? I mean, even if we're just talking the numbers game, how many people end up alone in this life just b/c there isn't a lid for every pot? I've known perfectly decent people, even family members of mine, who simply never found a partner even though they were out and about every day of their lives. it just doesn't happen for some people. If she's gaining some social skills by seeing this guy, I don't see the catastophe.



Com'on Jes, don't look down! There's still hope for everyone. Some people are not suited for a relationship indeed, but that is really rare. For the majority of people, it's just that they want/expect too much. They're simply not prepared to make the offers required to make a relationship work, yet have rather high expectations. Have faith!


----------



## Jes (May 13, 2006)

olivefun said:


> Jes, I have no idea why some of my fantastic friends are single who wish not to be, I only know that things really do change... eventually.


I can point at handfulls of people for whom it never did, but I'm not sure what that would accomplish. For me, reality isn't necessarily negativity. I think it needs to be faced, though. Not everyone feels better with vague platitudes. Please don't be offended, as I mean no offense to anyone, just another perspective. And I'm not necessarily talking about myself here, either. In fact, I'm not. I have my own set of issues, but in this thread, I'm talking about other people. Trust me on this.


----------



## Michelle (May 13, 2006)

olivefun said:


> I like the "me" that is dating someone better than the one that isn't.
> Caring for a really wonderful person that you admire and respect, who sees you as a real prize has an effect on a variety of parts of your life. I hate the "me" that is not being appreciated by a partner.


 
I've thought a good lot about whether I'm better off singled or partnered in the past year. 

While being with a partner provides wonderful things I don't get being single (kissing, touching and sex being the first things that come to mind), I think I'm still a better person single. When I'm with a partner, I tend to concentrate mostly just on them and neglect the other people in my life and that's something I really don't like about myself. And if my partner is moody, I become moody. 

When I'm single, I tend to be more energetic and get more things done. I volunteer more, I work better, I read more, I pursue hobbies more, and I seek out my friends on a consistent basis. I tend to be happier overall, even though I miss the closeness a partnership can provide. 

Being lonely when with a partner is far worse than being lonely as a single.


----------



## loves2laugh (May 13, 2006)

i didnt read through all the replies so maybe this has already been said-

maybe there is just something about him that she likes. i had a friend who only like that sleazy low class greasy look. it was just her thing.

also maybe she is just tired of being alone or not feeling someone else's touch. it isnt easy waiting for the right guy to come along.


----------



## Ericthonius (May 14, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Giblets thinks he doesn't need a shirt to work in the freezer. I'm not sure he's ready to be set loose in public... or that he's even potty-trained.



Y'know... This might be a quintessential example of what Shakespeare said:

*Many a good hanging has prevented a bad marriage.*


----------



## Ladyrose1952 (May 14, 2006)

I don't have a clue as to why people just SETTLE so they aren't alone.
When you just SETTLE, you are really never satisfied and you are never with the one that truely suits your needs.
I have been alone for a long time because there is no way that I will SETTLE, I want more out of LIFE and LOVE than that.
I think that anyone that does this is only fooling themselves.


----------



## Phalloidium (May 21, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Seriously, WHY do women settle? I know this has been done over and over, but I'm puzzled.



As much as we like to think it is, attraction isn't a logical. Yes, we try to rationalise it that way, but really, what and who we are attracted to isn't a choice.


----------



## olivefun (May 21, 2006)

Phalloidium said:


> As much as we like to think it is, attraction isn't a logical. Yes, we try to rationalise it that way, but really, what and who we are attracted to isn't a choice.


 
You are very right. 
There are many of us that have beat our heads against the wall, wishing for a solution, a machine, _something _that would quell our desire for someone that is wrong to want for one reason or another. 

Many operas, literate works, plays, books, stories songs, all varieties of art are inspired by desiring _the wrong person_. 

It would make things easier for many of us if we could control who we found attractive.


----------



## Russell Williams (May 21, 2006)

Some fat people have internalized the frequently repeated statement. "You are fat and therefor so ugly that no decent man would ever be interested in you."

Some have also internalized the belief. "Any man who finds your ugly fat body attractive must have a mental problem."

I have met women who would not date FAs and would only date men who claimed not to care about a womans size. 

I would point out to such women that, if size did not matter to a man why would a man ungo the difficulties involved in being with a fat woman?

In our society family, friends, and public accomodations tend to make it easier to be in a relationship with a thin person.

Russell Williams


----------



## CurvaceousBBWLover (May 29, 2006)

Some people live small and think small. Their vision is limited and they are pessimistic about their future. They couldn't imagine that there is someone out there who could complement them. They could never believe that they don't have to accept more than half a loaf in life. I don't understand why people settle, either. 



Ladyrose1952 said:


> I don't have a clue as to why people just SETTLE so they aren't alone.
> When you just SETTLE, you are really never satisfied and you are never with the one that truely suits your needs.
> I have been alone for a long time because there is no way that I will SETTLE, I want more out of LIFE and LOVE than that.
> I think that anyone that does this is only fooling themselves.


----------



## moonvine (May 29, 2006)

CurvaceousBBWLover said:


> Some people live small and think small. Their vision is limited and they are pessimistic about their future. They couldn't imagine that there is someone out there who could complement them. They could never believe that they don't have to accept more than half a loaf in life. I don't understand why people settle, either.




But I can't eat a whole loaf.


----------



## olivefun (May 29, 2006)

CurvaceousBBWLover said:


> Some people live small and think small.



Maybe that is why I am large.

Heehee,
I think therefore I am (large)

Olive


----------



## kyla (May 29, 2006)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> I have a friend/coworker who is killing me, I swear. I just want to grab her by her uber-permed 1991 hair and SCREAM until my throat is raw, "WHY are you dating a bucktoothed, illiterate, UGLY, scuzzy, passionless IDIOT?" I mean, this isn't like settling for a guy who's a little homely but really nice to her and showers her with love and gifts. This guy's a jerk about her religion and has never taken her out for a date to anywhere but McDonald's and the DMV. (I'm not kidding.)
> 
> Sure, she's fat, but very pretty. She has beautiful, strong-looking legs. She's a hard worker. And God forgive me for the stereotype, but she has beautiful eyes and overall a pretty face. She's not ugly or stupid or cursed with a bad figure.
> 
> ...


I used to be like that,I even went as far as spending 14 years with the jerk then I finally woke up and found someone who is wonderful! I just can't believe it took me so long to realize what he was!:shocked:


----------



## CurvaceousBBWLover (May 29, 2006)

I'm glad you found someone who is worthy of your love.


kyla said:


> I used to be like that,I even went as far as spending 14 years with the jerk then I finally woke up and found someone who is wonderful! I just can't believe it took me so long to realize what he was!:shocked:


----------



## kyla (May 29, 2006)

CurvaceousBBWLover said:


> I'm glad you found someone who is worthy of your love.



thank you and I am very happy too!


----------



## CurvaceousBBWLover (May 29, 2006)

You're welcome.


----------

