# The media prodding...



## AnnMarie (Jun 30, 2010)

It happens a lot, we get contacted, they see us here and reach out for info, details... I usually just decline and move on, but today I guess I was hot under the collar and spelled it out more clearly - how I feel, how a lot of my friends feel. 

Query I got was (sure others got this today as well):


> Hi There &#8211; I am hoping you can help me understand more about gainers for a story I am writing. I got your email off of the **** web site. Would you be willing to tell me more about the fat acceptance movement? I am happy to keep names out of the story. Perhaps you can help me talk to others. Please contact me via email or just call me on my cell today.


And my reply was:


> I'm sorry, but I'm not a gainer ... and frankly every media outlet who tries to peek into our lives under the guise of "understanding" manages to do much more damage than good. Sweeping generalizations and media-juicy snippets are all that is ever done, and frankly I'm tired of all of us being treated like circus side shows.
> 
> 
> We're just large people trying to navigate a world that is not built for us, in social lives that are set up to belittle and degrade us, and we try to maintain happiness, dignity, love, jobs, families, etc. We're only different because we aren't apologizing for who we are. We're only different because others want to keep making us feel that way.
> ...


She replied nicely, also saying she wants to quote this part: 

_I'm tired of all of us being treated like circus side shows. _

_We're just large people trying to navigate a world that is not built for us, in social lives that are set up to belittle and degrade us, and we try to maintain happiness, dignity, love, jobs, families, etc. We're only different because we aren't apologizing for who we are. We're only different because others want to keep making us feel that way. 
_


I haven't decided if I'm going to say yes (and it would be anonymous, I have *no interest in name involvement in this stuff)... I like the idea of that part of the story getting out, but I'm bothered largely by the fact that the first line of that quote isn't my entire sentence... it only tells part of what I was really saying. I suppose I could say include that whole first sentence or no thank you.


Sort of rambling, but figured I'd bring it up - any particular way you guys handle it?


**sorry for typos, this was all typed from my iphone, so anything is possible**


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## Webmaster (Jun 30, 2010)

Extremely annoying for sure. And after the first 500 approaches from folks who all swear they want to write/produce a serious/earnest/genuine/positive piece just to then see the usual sensationalist ratings blaster, one cannot help but get cynical about their motives. So the default answer is no.


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## Fat Brian (Jun 30, 2010)

You know what though, what you wrote is as good and in most cases better than what most people who claim to represent "us" have said. I've lurked here since about 2003 and you have consistently been one of the most persuasive and insightful people in the community. I would very much enjoy reading a piece you contributed to as it would be very difficult to edit out your your thoughtful and direct point of view.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 1, 2010)

Webmaster said:


> Extremely annoying for sure. And after the first 500 approaches from folks who all swear they want to write/produce a serious/earnest/genuine/positive piece just to then see the usual sensationalist ratings blaster, one cannot help but get cynical about their motives. So the default answer is no.



I agree. We've given so many chances for just a single one of them to do what they claimed they were going to do, and enough ends up on the editing floor to change the entire message and experience. It's too bad.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 1, 2010)

Fat Brian said:


> You know what though, what you wrote is as good and in most cases better than what most people who claim to represent "us" have said. I've lurked here since about 2003 and you have consistently been one of the most persuasive and insightful people in the community. I would very much enjoy reading a piece you contributed to as it would be very difficult to edit out your your thoughtful and direct point of view.



Thanks, Brian... I do appreciate that.


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## disconnectedsmile (Jul 1, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> *snip* I like the idea of that part of the story getting out, but I'm bothered largely by the fact that the first line of that quote isn't my entire sentence... it only tells part of what I was really saying. *I suppose I could say include that whole first sentence or no thank you*. *snip*



if it was me, i would go with that.


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## T_Devil (Jul 1, 2010)

Here's the thing though, we are not a cloistered order. They may not get what they want from you, so they'll get it from someone else. We can tell them "no" all we want, but the bottom line is that they're going to get it from someone else. They'll prey off a persons naivete and be all kind and good and friendly and when the piece is published... STAB! Right in the back.

I've seen it all too often. We think that this time it'll be different, but it never is. And if one of us wises up to it, there's always another one that has faith in "those" people. That they aren't like all the others. 
Ha!
And if we try to pull ranks and retreat into our own little society, people will see us as a bunch of anti-social psychos. They see only what they want to see, and they see nothing else. We can politely decline, but you better bet your last dollar on them sneaking in secret cameras _Dateline_ style.

I wish there was a good answer, but there isn't. I hate them back. I don't read their articles, I don't watch their special reports, I don't watch their TV shows or buy what they sell in their commercials.

It takes all of my effort to not let them destroy the way I see myself. Sometimes, they break me. Their victory never lasts very long though because I have to make myself remember that I am not what they see. I am what I see.


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## Paquito (Jul 1, 2010)

SHOUTOUT


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## spiritangel (Jul 1, 2010)

I love what you wrote it doesnt come accross as angry or bitter at all t me in fact comes accross as intelligent and well thought out.


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## Tau (Jul 2, 2010)

I can't give you enough rep for that letter and the post AM :bow: I have to say though that I have watched one fat doccie that helped me change a lot of the negative ways of thinking of myself that I had fallen into. It was called Fat and one of the eps was the Beauty of Fat. They interviewed Dawn French, a fantastic photographer from the UK, a plus model, and a woman who had started a plus cothing store in Canada. I watched a long time ago but to this day it still remains in my mind as one of the fairest doccies on the fat world I've ever seen.


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## HereticFA (Jul 2, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> but I'm bothered largely by the fact that the first line of that quote isn't my entire sentence... it only tells part of what I was really saying. I suppose I could say include that whole first sentence or no thank you.



I started to recommend letting her use the partial quote (it is *Excellent*) but then I reconsidered how she found you. This is just another hatchet job focusing on the gainer subsection of our community. I'd say tell her no.

If the media reported on the Civil Rights movement in the 60's the way we've been covered, we still have segregation. We need to get away from the "any media exposure is good exposure" attitude and start steering towards our own goals. Think of turning her down as that evolution in our approach.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 2, 2010)

HereticFA said:


> I started to recommend letting her use the partial quote (it is *Excellent*) but then I reconsidered how she found you. This is just another hatchet job focusing on the gainer subsection of our community. I'd say tell her no.
> 
> If the media reported on the Civil Rights movement in the 60's the way we've been covered, we still have segregation. We need to get away from the "any media exposure is good exposure" attitude and start steering towards our own goals. Think of turning her down as that evolution in our approach.



Not just no but HELL no. I agree with you HFA.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 2, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> She replied nicely, also saying she wants to quote this part:
> 
> _I'm tired of all of us being treated like circus side shows. _
> 
> _We're just large people trying to navigate a world that is not built for us, in social lives that are set up to belittle and degrade us, and we try to maintain happiness, dignity, love, jobs, families, etc. We're only different because we aren't apologizing for who we are. We're only different because others want to keep making us feel that way. _


_

since you've already been so blunt with her, have a legal agreement drawn up where she agrees to quote nothing except that part verbatim, and have her fax over a signature. if she disagrees, no loss to you._


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## Webmaster (Jul 2, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> since you've already been so blunt with her, have a legal agreement drawn up where she agrees to quote nothing except that part verbatim, and have her fax over a signature. if she disagrees, no loss to you.



And if they find a way to twist things around anyway, which they will, you're going to sue ABC? That's just not the way it works. 

As is, T-Devil is right, we are not a cloistered order, but that does't mean we can't keep Dimensions from being a free recruitment tool for the media. On occasion I have given media permission to solicit for a articular project, but the default is no such posts.

Now you could argue that media then may simply bypass the system and seek out folks directly, and that those folks may not be as media-savvy as more experienced representatives and thus more likely to do damage. That is precisely why corporations and other entities have media relations departments. We don't have that, and so we simply do what we can to keep Dimensions a community as safe from spammers, trolls and media as possible.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 2, 2010)

the reporter already has her quote to use if she feels, so i don't see why drawing up some semblance of a document could hurt even if suing ABC is absurd.


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## Webmaster (Jul 2, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> the reporter already has her quote to use if she feels, so i don't see why drawing up some semblance of a document could hurt even if suing ABC is absurd.



That is not a bad idea.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 2, 2010)

I never replied with permission and she used it anyway. 

Proof positive that you can't trust them at all. 

(the article is posted, see link in paquito's post above. )


Bleh.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 2, 2010)

as a journalist/editor, i would've used it too. you gave a reply/comment and didn't tell her not to print it (she asked permission but didn't give you a big window to say no - why should she risk her story on good standing with a stranger she'll never meet again?)

anyway, i think the quote she asked for from you is fairly representative and doesn't alter your intent. it's just reprehensible that she would insert it into the middle of an article that has nothing to do with you or what you are.


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## Christov (Jul 2, 2010)

TL;DR edition: Journalists are shits.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 2, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> as a journalist/editor, i would've used it too. you gave a reply/comment and didn't tell her not to print it (she asked permission but didn't give you a big window to say no - why should she risk her story on good standing with a stranger she'll never meet again?)
> 
> anyway, i think the quote she asked for from you is fairly representative and doesn't alter your intent. it's just reprehensible that she would insert it into the middle of an article that has nothing to do with you or what you are.



Yeah, it's shifty at the very least. At least she included that I'm not a gainer (because that statement would have a completely different voice in that context, not because I'd be upset at the characterization) and I have no idea what website I supposedly run? But yeah, it's just odd to be included in that piece with something so off topic. 

Whatever. Done. Next time I guess I'll use the same reply and preface with "you don't have permission to use any of this without my direct consent."


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## exile in thighville (Jul 2, 2010)

> "I know it's different strokes for different folks, but my second concern is he really doesn't want to change," said Ayoob.



article really is one of the more tolerant ones i've read, and they didn't use vindictive quotes. but i'll give a copy of my sex tape to the person who can end an article like this without a "doctor's opinion"


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## exile in thighville (Jul 2, 2010)

Christov said:


> TL;DR edition: Journalists are shits.



no, we follow the stories. getting or staying fat on purpose runs counter to everything about society; it's news.

here's who the shits are: fetishists and fetish exploiters who talk about their kink to reporters who won't even make them cum.


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## Blackjack (Jul 2, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> article really is one of the more tolerant ones i've read, and they didn't use vindictive quotes. but i'll give a copy of my sex tape to the person who can end an article like this without a "doctor's opinion"



I'm on it. Research and interviews to be concluded by the end of the week. The article will be low-key, but the leaked sex tape will be what I really cash in on.


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## Christov (Jul 2, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> no, we follow the stories. getting or staying fat on purpose runs counter to everything about society; it's news.
> 
> here's who the shits are: fetishists and fetish exploiters who talk about their kink to reporters who won't even make them cum.


I know, I was just baiting a response because I get all tingly when you get technical.


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## LillyBBBW (Jul 2, 2010)

Lesson learned? Just Hit Delete.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 2, 2010)

And this crap: 


> They seek each other out online with acronyms like BBW (Big Beautiful Woman); SSBHM (Super Sized Big Handsome Man) and FFA (Female Fat Admirer).



"They" the feeders and gainers? Way to do a half hour of poking around online and confuse the hell out of a bunch of people, both inside and out of this community.

To be clear, my personal issue with blurry lines on these things is not embarassment or shame associated, it's just not correct and inaccuracy bothers me. 

I love, love, love to stuff my face and all, but I will never seek to deceive and that is why I am always clear about not being an intentional gainer, etc.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 2, 2010)

Christov said:


> I know, I was just baiting a response because I get all tingly when you get technical.



with my history i can't even use "you're too young for me" as an out


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 2, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> as a journalist/editor, i would've used it too. you gave a reply/comment and didn't tell her not to print it (she asked permission but didn't give you a big window to say no - why should she risk her story on good standing with a stranger she'll never meet again?)
> 
> anyway, i think the quote she asked for from you is fairly representative and doesn't alter your intent. *it's just reprehensible that she would insert it into the middle of an article that has nothing to do with you or what you are.*



That especially bothered me. What AnnMarie was talking about didn't really have to do with what the article was about. She was talking about living as fat people in general, and why it can be helpful for us to have community and share with each other and whatnot. To put it in an article explicitly about feeding and gaining puts a spin on her quotation that was inaccurate to its original sense - and even a tiny few words, saying "not a gainer" isn't going to override the power of the context within which the quote appears. That bugs.


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## spiritangel (Jul 2, 2010)

ummmmm I am studying to be a freelance journalist mayby if a few more plus size and size acceptance people were writing these articles or indeed any articles the system could be changed from the inside just my crazy thought 

although that isnt why I started the course I am doing, I can certainly see that as being an added benefit to what may come out of it ......................

isnt there a journalistic code of ethics and isnt having permission from a source before printing a story part of that? and if permission isnt given doesnt a person then have the right to some form of printed appology or reccourse for a complaint ect


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## T_Devil (Jul 2, 2010)

The only thing we got is "No Comment."
Whenever a press representative asks anything, just say, "No Comment."

No Comment. 2 simple words. Easy to understand, easy to say.

If anyone asks me anything that is size related, I say NO COMMENT for the simple reason that I know my words are going to be misconstrued and twisted to mean something I never meant to say. "No Comment", there is no mistaking that.

I know it doesn't do the size acceptance movement any justice, but it doesn't give the media anything they can misquote either. I would rather give them nothing than give them something to make the world misunderstand us even more.

I'm done trying to educate people. It's not my job. If someone is doing a genuine piece on size acceptance, they have a hell of a lot to prove because the size acceptance community has easily been one of the most deceived in the media.

I don't seek the attention of the media, and I'm leery of them when they seek attention from me.


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## disconnectedsmile (Jul 2, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> I never replied with permission and she used it anyway.
> 
> Proof positive that you can't trust them at all.
> 
> ...



that's bunk.
i'm sorry they used your words without permission. 

i guess if you don't want your words misused, don't use any words at all.


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## disconnectedsmile (Jul 2, 2010)

Paquito said:


> SHOUTOUT



my favorite part:


> But some doctors and therapists do worry about the effect weight gain will have on a gainer's health, especially in the midst of a national obesity epidemic.



deathfat strikes again!


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## Angel (Jul 2, 2010)

Webmaster said:


> As is, T-Devil is right, we are not a cloistered order, but that does't mean we can't keep Dimensions from being a free recruitment tool for the media. On occasion I have given media permission to solicit for a articular project, but the default is no such posts.
> 
> Now you could argue that media then may simply bypass the system and seek out folks directly, and that those folks may not be as media-savvy as more experienced representatives and thus more likely to do damage. That is precisely why corporations and other entities have media relations departments. We don't have that, and so we simply do what we can to keep Dimensions a community as safe from spammers, trolls and media as possible.



... "those folks may not be as media-savvy" ... "and thus more likely to do damage."



It's kind of easy to figure out why they were poking around Dimensions and Fantasy Feeder. Just look at the tiny inset photos and associated links.


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## CastingPearls (Jul 2, 2010)

Quote:
But some doctors and therapists do worry about the effect weight gain will have on a gainer's health, especially in the midst of a national obesity epidemic. 

Am I the only one wondering why ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDST OF A NATIONAL OBESITY EPIDEMIC the effect would be any different than say in the the midst of a national obesity celebration? Why ESPECIALLY? Because there's so many more fatties and these doctors and therapists (many of whom are FAT) and self-appointed experts are becoming outnumbered? STOP THEM BEFORE THEY MULTIPLY!


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## Paquito (Jul 2, 2010)

As a gainer, it's almost worth it to reply to this reporter to try and get some facts straight.

And by almost, I mean not really, considering that the words would just get twisted around. But it still irks me that there's such a misrepresentation of a community I belong to.

And of course, ever article about gaining and feederism immediately has to draw a connection to BBWs/BHMs, implying that they are so intertwined.

Finally, gaining scene and fat acceptance movement aren't the same thing. They can coexist, but they aren't the same thing.


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## spiritangel (Jul 2, 2010)

make sure if you dont want something reported even if your just sending an email to put 


*This is OFF THE RECORD* somewhere was re reading some of my course notes and if you dont have that or havent stated that apparently what you say is fair game


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## exile in thighville (Jul 3, 2010)

if you don't want something reported, you shouldn't respond.


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## superodalisque (Jul 3, 2010)

the only good media we are going to have is the one we produce ourselves


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## CastingPearls (Jul 3, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> the only good media we are going to have is the one we produce ourselves


QFT.............


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## mszwebs (Jul 3, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> And this crap:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




All opinions on gaining aside, that quote is what struck me first as I was reading that article. Suddenly anyone who identifies or is identified as a BBW/BHM is looking to gain and any woman who is an FFA is potentially misidentified as well. Not to mention that apparently male FA's don't exist (feeder or otherwise lol).

I'm pretty sure that article must have been written by someone on the staff at my former University's "newspaper."  Their stamp of idiocy is all over it.




ETA: I'm not complaining personally about being potentially identified as something I'm not. If someone thinks I'm gaining on purpose, well, that's their deal. And I would even understand why, as I've certainly not shrunk in the last 3 years. If they really want to know, let them ask and I'll tell them. But I know a lot of people in this community do have a problem with it, and some random woman on the street may be upset by it as well.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 4, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> the only good media we are going to have is the one we produce ourselves



that's one of the more totalitarian things you've said in a while


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## superodalisque (Jul 4, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> that's one of the more totalitarian things you've said in a while



sorry its all of my fond memories of my years studying Russian History and Communism coming back up 

-- from the dims notebooks


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## squurp (Jul 4, 2010)

AnnMarie said:


> I never replied with permission and she used it anyway.
> 
> Proof positive that you can't trust them at all.
> 
> ...



If you said it, it is a quote. That is called journalism. Does a reporter ask permission to quote every stupid thing George W. Bush or Joe Biden says? If you say it, then, it is quotable. If she asked, it was for courtesy only. If you don't want to be quoted, simply respond to all requests with "no comment", or don't respond at all.


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## AnnMarie (Jul 4, 2010)

squurp said:


> If you said it, it is a quote. That is called journalism. Does a reporter ask permission to quote every stupid thing George W. Bush or Joe Biden says? If you say it, then, it is quotable. If she asked, it was for courtesy only. If you don't want to be quoted, simply respond to all requests with "no comment", or don't respond at all.




Thanks, I had no idea. 

My annoyance was with the pretense of "I would like to use your quote, with your permission:" If you're going to do it anyway, don't bother blowing smoke up people's asses - it just makes you look even sleazier. 

It's like a guy proposing to a hooker - it's a sure thing, no reason to string her along to get to the good part.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 5, 2010)

The problem is it's something of a Catch-22, because in the past, posters and mods from here have talked to the media and then found their words twisted or the tv show or documentary was not positive. When i first joined Dims there were a couple of paysite girls who were going on a talk show and they got criticized repeatedly and were warned that the show would be a negative portrayal of them and that it would be a freak show. (It wasn't.)

So now when an article like this comes out and has errors and omissions, everyone gets annoyed because it was just written off a bunch of google searches.


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## JMNYC (Jul 5, 2010)

I might also add that even when one pens a pro-fat article, it is subject to the whims and prejudices and ignorance of the editor.

For an article I wrote for Salon.com in 2006, a headline writer printed:

"Forget abs of steel -- give me soft arms, wide hips and fleshy lips! For as long as I can remember, I've been turned on by fat women."

Despite repeated emails requesting the phrase "Fleshy lips!" be excised---anyone out there gain weight in their lips?---there it stayed, and there it remains, and to this day, it is a head-scratcher.

The article itself, when sent back to me for fact-checking, contained words and phrases I did not write and which misrepresented me and my feelings toward fat women. I protested and they changed it back to what I'd originally written.

Then, when the final product was published, there were again words I did not write and which did not represent me.

They were willing to publish a breezy, romantic article but not willing to delve into the folds and rolls of my brain. So be it.

When my book comes out, I will be able to tell it from the mountain, I reckon.


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## Tau (Jul 5, 2010)

I nearly died laughing at the one dude's comment about how he's planning to earn less so that he can't be taxed for the healthcare of the growing number of fatties


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## Tau (Jul 5, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> with my history i can't even use "you're too young for me" as an out



Soooo I assume this encounter will be available in your very own clips for sale store?? *leers*


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## calauria (Jul 5, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> the only good media we are going to have is the one we produce ourselves



You can say that, again!! There is enough of us to start our own media.


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## herbt2 (Jul 5, 2010)

"The only good media..." Excellent insight!


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## BigBeautifulMe (Jul 11, 2010)

Not even "this is off the record" truly means it HAS to be off the record. Most ethical reporters will honor that, knowing that if they want you to be a potential source in the future (and if they want other sources to trust them in the future), they need to keep you happy and their professional reputations intact. But there's no LAW out there that says they can't print what you say, even if you explicitly tell them not to. You said it, it's fact and history, and as long as they quote you accurately, there's not a whole lot of recourse.


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## exile in thighville (Jul 11, 2010)

i believe in "off the record" the way the RIAA still believes in record sales; it would be nice if world politely stopped the floodgates but it won't happen

if there's a record assume it's on it


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## CaitiDee (Jul 11, 2010)

I can literally feel my heart breaking every time they end a story like this with, "Kinky fat sex could jeopardize health."

How many times do they need to say it? We get it. The public at large* gets it. Now let it go.

*Pun not intended, but cute either way.


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## Wild Zero (Jul 11, 2010)

CaitiDee said:


> I can literally feel my heart breaking every time they end a story like this with, "Kinky fat sex could jeopardize health."
> 
> How many times do they need to say it? We get it. The public at large* gets it. Now let it go.
> 
> *Pun not intended, but cute either way.



It's true though, one time I was getting squashed by my girlfriend and we flew off a cliff in our car. 3rd degree burns and everything all because of KINKY FAT SEX


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## Christov (Jul 11, 2010)

Kinky fat sex nearly killed me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to die a happy man.


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## CaitiDee (Jul 12, 2010)

Christov said:


> Kinky fat sex nearly killed me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to die a happy man.



Oh, do tell!


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## lavendersummer (Jul 20, 2010)

I think what you wrote was intelligent, eloquent and heartfelt.

I hope you allow (or allowed) her to use a quote from you. I would make her sign something that says that your statement must be used as-is, without any editing, changing, or tweaking, and you want to see it exactly as it will appear before it does appear. If she is (or would have been) amenable to that, I see no reason not to attempt to get a sane quote out there in the midst of a sensationalistic sea.

If we all put our default on "no", we'll never accomplish anything, and never get our feelings into the mainstream. Backing away from the media altogether means that people like you who have something important to say will forever preach to a small and powerless choir.


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