# The insecurity hurdle?



## lostjacket (Jan 1, 2012)

So this week I went through a mini-break up (we'd only been going out for a month). Sucks right? But sometimes things don't work out for whatever reason. Such is life.

However, it wasn't until I did some deeper digging that I figured out what was the impetus for her breaking up with me - she felt like I was out of her league and was scared of losing me. Thus she decided to break it off - before I could hurt her.

I find this extremely effed up - she was beautiful, intelligent and fun. (Did I say beautiful? I meant gorgeous.) Unfortunately, she turned out to be extremely insecure about her body and couldn't seem to fathom why I thought she was so attractive. (And I wasn't exactly shy about showing her affection or telling her how unbelievably beautiful she was...) 

Is there any way that this outcome could have been avoided? Or is this just an example of running head on into someone else's insecurities?

It has been a frustrating past few days to say the least - but it's my first time having experienced something like this and was wondering if anyone might have any advice?

Needless to say? Never got a chance to rock this shirt... 

View attachment photo2.JPG


----------



## Dr. Feelgood (Jan 1, 2012)

lostjacket said:


> Is there any way that this outcome could have been avoided? Or is this just an example of running head on into someone else's insecurities?



We each have a mental self-image, and THAT is what we see when we look in the mirror. It is very, very hard to change. My ex-wife was a very beautiful BBW who could not believe that I found her attractive. She was jealous, constantly feared that I was betraying her with other women (or wanted to -- which, incidentally, I didn't), and eventually demanded that we separate because she could not stand the constant stress I was putting her through ... in her own mind. Sometimes love just isn't enough.


----------



## PunkyGurly74 (Jan 2, 2012)

lostjacket said:


> Is there any way that this outcome could have been avoided? Or is this just an example of running head on into someone else's insecurities?
> 
> It has been a frustrating past few days to say the least - but it's my first time having experienced something like this and was wondering if anyone might have any advice?
> 
> Needless to say? Never got a chance to rock this shirt...



First, you look quite adorable in that shirt...


Secondly, I am not sure I have the answer for you other than I do believe that insecurities can over-ride trust of another person. I.E it can undermine the confidence you have in even what they are telling you...the negative voices in our heads can take us to some dark places...

I'm sorry that it did not work out between you two.


----------



## Sidewinder (Jan 2, 2012)

Thats crazy, you should have integrated her with your life, introduced her to family etc, (not saying you didn't just guessing) should be easy to make her feel comfortable, or do a Beyonce, cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it


----------



## Aust99 (Jan 2, 2012)

Sidewinder said:


> snip... or do a Beyonce, cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it



After a month??? Seriously??? 




Lostjacket - sometimes a girls insecurities get the better of her... I think it's any partners role to make the other feel comfortable and communicate our feelings so that the person can feel secure in the relationship and not have to worry about losing the other person because of our own perceived faults.. 

It's a shame to let insecurities end a relationship but it's the reality of the situation sometimes.... do you think you would do anything differently next time?


----------



## MadLordOfMilk (Jan 2, 2012)

While you can always help people out, you can't change people. As much as you want someone to know how beautiful you find them, self-acceptance is something they have to work on themselves to really make a change. Basically, don't blame yourself over it - you can nudge people in the right direction, but beyond that, it's on them.

So, to answer your question, is there any way it could've been avoided? Maybe, but there probably wasn't anything you personally could've done about it.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

Sidewinder said:


> Thats crazy, you should have integrated her with your life, introduced her to family etc, (not saying you didn't just guessing) should be easy to make her feel comfortable, or do a Beyonce, cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it



Guessing you didn't see the "month" part of that...

Haha, otherwise damn you move fast dude.


----------



## Tad (Jan 2, 2012)

lostjacket said:


> Is there any way that this outcome could have been avoided? Or is this just an example of running head on into someone else's insecurities?
> 
> It has been a frustrating past few days to say the least - but it's my first time having experienced something like this and was wondering if anyone might have any advice?



First, are you sure it is irrevocably over? Would you have interest in trying again with her? Are you sure that a major effort to woo her back would fail? (I have no clue, just throwing those questions out there).

As to your questions: probably the only way to have avoided it was to have realized how deep her insecurites were, and taken action that would otherwise be downright odd. But most people do their best to hide their insecurities, so would have been pretty hard to realize ahead of time.

Final thought: there could be more to her dumping you than has come out. In a situation where most people would probably have told her that you were a major catch for her, and that she would be crazy to dump you, it is possible that the path of least resistance for her was to blame it on you being out of her league (and I'm not saying that wasn't a factor, just possibly not the only factor). If there were things that just were not working for her, that sound kind of minor in some ways but mattered to her, it is possible that she wouldn't have wanted to talk about them, for fear of the "So you don't like his music, you could have put up with it, a girl like you should be grateful that a guy like him was dating you at all" type of answer.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> We each have a mental self-image, and THAT is what we see when we look in the mirror. It is very, very hard to change. My ex-wife was a very beautiful BBW who could not believe that I found her attractive. She was jealous, constantly feared that I was betraying her with other women (or wanted to -- which, incidentally, I didn't), and eventually demanded that we separate because she could not stand the constant stress I was putting her through ... in her own mind. Sometimes love just isn't enough.



I think that this was most of it - I think she was just amazed that I was more interested in her then her closest friend (who I'm guessing had stolen her fair share of boys from her).


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

Tad said:


> First, are you sure it is irrevocably over? Would you have interest in trying again with her? Are you sure that a major effort to woo her back would fail? (I have no clue, just throwing those questions out there).
> 
> As to your questions: probably the only way to have avoided it was to have realized how deep her insecurites were, and taken action that would otherwise be downright odd. But most people do their best to hide their insecurities, so would have been pretty hard to realize ahead of time.
> 
> Final thought: there could be more to her dumping you than has come out. In a situation where most people would probably have told her that you were a major catch for her, and that she would be crazy to dump you, it is possible that the path of least resistance for her was to blame it on you being out of her league (and I'm not saying that wasn't a factor, just possibly not the only factor). If there were things that just were not working for her, that sound kind of minor in some ways but mattered to her, it is possible that she wouldn't have wanted to talk about them, for fear of the "So you don't like his music, you could have put up with it, a girl like you should be grateful that a guy like him was dating you at all" type of answer.



This actually makes a lot of sense - I only actually knew her for a very short amount of time and it could in fairness have been something like this. However, wouldn't it have been easier to have just come out and said that it wasn't working out because of x? Then again - I'm a guy...I like simple.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

PunkyGurly74 said:


> First, you look quite adorable in that shirt...
> 
> 
> Secondly, I am not sure I have the answer for you other than I do believe that insecurities can over-ride trust of another person. I.E it can undermine the confidence you have in even what they are telling you...the negative voices in our heads can take us to some dark places...
> ...



Haha, thanks.

Back to the drawing board I guess...


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

Aust99 said:


> After a month??? Seriously???
> 
> 
> 
> ...



In all honesty - I think I did everything right. It was more just a matter of someone else not being able to get past their own stuff - which sucks (but is largely out of my control).

Plus you can really only do so much stuff in support of someone's confidence before it starts to just get kind of creepy...

Plus the month in thing didn't exactly aid the cause either - still in the getting to know her phase...


----------



## Tad (Jan 2, 2012)

lostjacket said:


> This actually makes a lot of sense - I only actually knew her for a very short amount of time and it could in fairness have been something like this. However, wouldn't it have been easier to have just come out and said that it wasn't working out because of x? Then again - I'm a guy...I like simple.



Blaming it all on oneself is a good, low drama, way of breaking things off. You couldn't really dispute what she was feeling, you were not criticized, and she wasn't bucking the expected order of things (that the 'hot' partner be the dumper) because she said it was all about that difference between you. 

I'm NOT trying to say that something else really was the cause, just saying that for a lot of people, especially if insecure, it can be a real priority to avoid rocking the boat and to avoid confrontation.


----------



## Bananaspills (Jan 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you went through a breakup, long or short relationship they're never fun  IF that was indeed the reason she called it off, (and like some previous posters said there might have been more there) I don't know what you could have done differently... I have in my distant past actually turned someone down whom I fancied because I thought he just HAD to be making fun of me, there was no way he could actually like me. I'm still kicking myself *LOL* But maybe the fact that you were into her and showed it may help her grow in confidence down the line, even if the relationship didn't survive. 

And yeah, that shirt looks great on you


----------



## Saoirse (Jan 2, 2012)

Men that like to "keep it simple" are the hardest to deal with. Because _sometimes_ keeping it simple means playing stupid, and thats frustrating as hell when you're trying to talk with them.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

Saoirse said:


> Men that like to "keep it simple" are the hardest to deal with. Because _sometimes_ keeping it simple means playing stupid, and thats frustrating as hell when you're trying to talk with them.



Nice caveat - I am referring to the "say what you mean" version of simple though...


----------



## Marlayna (Jan 2, 2012)

Bananaspills said:


> I'm sorry you went through a breakup, long or short relationship they're never fun  IF that was indeed the reason she called it off, (and like some previous posters said there might have been more there) I don't know what you could have done differently... I have in my distant past actually turned someone down whom I fancied because I thought he just HAD to be making fun of me, there was no way he could actually like me. I'm still kicking myself *LOL* But maybe the fact that you were into her and showed it may help her grow in confidence down the line, even if the relationship didn't survive.
> 
> And yeah, that shirt looks great on you


After going out for a month, she knew he wasn't "making fun of her", so she had her reasons to call it quits, and we don't know what they are.
I think if the OP believes that she wanted to call it quits because she felt "out of his league", then that problem is easily remedied with an email or a call. 
Once he assures her that he likes her a lot, she should apologize for her insecurities, and jump into his waiting arms...
... and they all lived happily ever after.:smitten:


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 2, 2012)

Marlayna said:


> After going out for a month, she knew he wasn't "making fun of her", so she had her reasons to call it quits, and we don't know what they are.
> I think if the OP believes that she wanted to call it quits because she felt "out of his league", then that problem is easily remedied with an email or a call.
> Once he assures her that he likes her a lot, she should apologize for her insecurities, and jump into his waiting arms...
> ... and they all lived happily ever after.:smitten:



I wish... Unfortunately life tends to be more complicated...


----------



## CastingPearls (Jan 2, 2012)

All fairy tales aside.....

It's not just BBWs. It's BHMs. It's also thin people and everyone in between. And it doesn't have to have anything to do with size or looks. It's also often about accomplishment, achievement, and status, whether realistic or all in their mind. 

Self-esteem and self-confidence problems unfortunately can't be solved by trust and even unconditional love. I wish it could because I loved someone who didn't believe in himself. In fact, he likely thinks I'm crazy because he didn't see what I saw in him and no matter what I said, it didn't matter. It didn't sink in. It has to be from within. I'll love him and always be his friend but only he can decide to believe in himself. 

You probably did everything you could. You probably did everything 'right'--well as right as humanly possible, but it can't be one-sided to work. Best of luck to you in the future.


----------



## Marlayna (Jan 2, 2012)

lostjacket said:


> I wish... Unfortunately life tends to be more complicated...


You can always tell her to come to Dimensions, It's an excellent place for a BBW to advance her self-esteem. 

Life is very complicated, but there'll be others, so hang in there. She may even decide she made a mistake and give it another shot. One never knows.


----------



## bigbri (Jan 3, 2012)

I would make a copy of the picture in the shirt and send it to her with a note saying how sorry you are that things did not workout for the two of you, but if she should have a change of heart, you would like to say "Hello" again. If she responds, great, if not, so be it.


----------



## RockabillyDoll (Jan 3, 2012)

*sigh* Breakups suck and the fact she felt that way makes me so sad for her and you. I have a long complicated history with good looking guys *le sigh*. It happened in formative years and because of my experiences, it has really messed with my perception. The cliff notes version is that the "hot guys" would hit on me as a joke or ask me out on a date because their buddies bet them they couldn't. I have to say, I have been in her boat. It's a very vicious cycle  

I've worked really REALLY hard at boosting my self esteem, confidence, image, perception, etc over the last few years and am making some definite progress!! I really like the last poster's suggestion about getting another shirt and sending it to her with a note !! I think it's brilliant!

Although, to be completely honest, I think you'd look much hotter out of the shirt  

xo
Laurelei


----------



## PeanutButterfly (Jan 4, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> All fairy tales aside.....
> 
> It's not just BBWs. It's BHMs. It's also thin people and everyone in between. And it doesn't have to have anything to do with size or looks. It's also often about accomplishment, achievement, and status, whether realistic or all in their mind.
> 
> ...



This is so true. No matter what size someone is most people have some form of insecurities. I knew a girl in high school who was easily the prettiest girl in the whole school yet she couldn't believe that guys would find her attractive and rarely dated. Some people just have baggage and a lot of the times you can't figure it out until you've started to get to know them and become invested. It sucks. Unfortunately BBWs tend to have more baggage, especially when it comes to dating. I was pretty lucky to find Dims at a young age and I obviously believe that men find me attractive, but I still hesitate when a guy starts hitting on me. Its a knee-jerk reaction and it takes a long time to get over (I'm still working on it). The only thing you can do is sincerely compliment her and build a foundation for her to trust you i.e. text first and text back, introduce her to your friends, hold her hand in public. It seems like you did most if not all of these things and it still didn't work out :/ I'm sorry dude. Hopefully the next girl you find will be ready to embrace how awesome it is to be with an FA.


----------



## mszwebs (Jan 4, 2012)

I can 100% understand why she might have been intimidated, and I say that will all the love I have for you, which is quite a goodly sum, having had the opportunity to meet you lol.

You're a hottie, even more so in person when you get the full floppy haired effect lol, and quite intelligent...not to mention hilarious, well spoken and a host of other awesome things I could list.

You are exactly the guy that ANY type of girl who is insecure about herself in any way would find herself intimidated by, and if you're going to throw body issues...oy. I frequently get intimidated by guys - I can think of a few conventional "hotties" that I've had dealings with in the past who I was all like whoa about when they approached me. I was even intimidated by you and I don't have body issues, nor were we dating lol (don't laugh, damn it). But, I have a decent amount of confidence and I know that when it comes down to it, no one is "out of my league." 

Being brutally honest, you are a conventionally attractive male who likes fat girls and a lot of fat girls can't wrap their mind around any guy liking them, much less one who looks like you.

And it's not even just HER insecurities you're dealing with. She may be being fed other people's bullshit ideas, projected on her. For example, there is this bitter, BITTER woman at work. We have a mutual friend, Jeannine, and I tell Jeannine all of my guy secrets and stories. I made the mistake of telling Jeannine a story in front of this woman, and showing Jeannine a picture of the guy I had been talking to...and the other woman basically implied that there was no way that the guy could be real because he was too attractive to be talking to me. And she asks on a regular basis if I still keep in contact with the guy, because she would LOVE to be proved right - him not being real and me not getting the hot guy, because I'm not pretty and skinny enough (for anyone wondering, lol, yes the guy is real but no, we're not dating though we are friends). 

There's not a whole lot you could say or do beyond what you probably did. Every interaction I've had with you, online and in person has been pretty honest and you've never hidden your preference or shied away from complimenting the girls you've found to be attractive. If that's truly why she broke up with you, she has to at least accept her body, if not learn to love it, before she can accept the fact that you already do.

That's not saying that in a future relationship that those two things can't happen in tandem, but if the girl isn't willing to even wrap her mind around the concept of being adored, mind, soul AND body, it's going to go nowhere fast.

I know a lot of this might suck to hear, because its not like you can walk around with a bag over your head, lol, nor should you have to. And don't get a big head, either .

I'm just offering a little different perspective from someone who has interacted with you in a way that most of the people here have not, and giving you my interpretation on why things may have gone down the way they did.

You're an awesome guy, with or without the jacket...and I'm sorry it didn't work out this time.


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Jan 4, 2012)

Marlayna said:


> After going out for a month, she knew he wasn't "making fun of her", so she had her reasons to call it quits, and we don't know what they are.
> I think if the OP believes that she wanted to call it quits because she felt "out of his league", then that problem is easily remedied with an email or a call.
> Once he assures her that he likes her a lot, she should apologize for her insecurities, and jump into his waiting arms...
> ... and they all lived happily ever after.:smitten:




A month isn't really all that long in the dating time-line (unless things have changed since I've last dated someone) so she could still realistically believe he was screwing with her, especially if that's been her experience in the past. 

Also, I don't think she should apologize to him for her feelings, that's the beginning of a very slippery slope because where do the apologies end? One day, hopefully, she will realize that she is beautiful and worthy of love and attention. When that day comes she will have to live with the knowledge that she very likely passed on the opportunity to get to know a really great guy (I don't know him but do know Zwebs and trust her judgment) and who knows how many other guys before or after him.


----------



## mszwebs (Jan 4, 2012)

fatgirlflyin said:


> A month isn't really all that long in the dating time-line (unless things have changed since I've last dated someone) so she could still realistically believe he was screwing with her, especially if that's been her experience in the past.
> 
> Also, I don't think she should apologize to him for her feelings, that's the beginning of a very slippery slope because where do the apologies end? One day, hopefully, she will realize that she is beautiful and worthy of love and attention. When that day comes she will have to live with the knowledge that she very likely passed on the opportunity to get to know a really great guy *(I don't know him but do know Zwebs and trust her judgment)* and who knows how many other guys before or after him.



OMG. So. Much. PRESSURE!!


----------



## Marlayna (Jan 4, 2012)

fatgirlflyin said:


> A month isn't really all that long in the dating time-line (unless things have changed since I've last dated someone) so she could still realistically believe he was screwing with her, especially if that's been her experience in the past.
> 
> Also, I don't think she should apologize to him for her feelings, that's the beginning of a very slippery slope because where do the apologies end? One day, hopefully, she will realize that she is beautiful and worthy of love and attention. When that day comes she will have to live with the knowledge that she very likely passed on the opportunity to get to know a really great guy (I don't know him but do know Zwebs and trust her judgment) and who knows how many other guys before or after him.


No, not apologize for her feelings of insecurity, just apologize for hurting him.
This story is too one-sided for me to even judge. I sure would like to hear her tell her side of it... but that seems highly doubtful.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 4, 2012)

mszwebs said:


> I can 100% understand why she might have been intimidated, and I say that will all the love I have for you, which is quite a goodly sum, having had the opportunity to meet you lol.
> 
> You're a hottie, even more so in person when you get the full floppy haired effect lol, and quite intelligent...not to mention hilarious, well spoken and a host of other awesome things I could list.
> 
> ...



Damn. Jess you're far too nice to me. I can see your point though - even if it's weird to see from my angle. 

I just see myself as any other guy - I just happen to love fat girls. So I guess that colors my perception of how I see my interactions. 

It would be a lot easier if you guys didn't have to go through all the bullshit/body image nonsense that gets thrown your way. It's not fair - and is considerably more then anything that I have ever had to deal with in my life.

(I've had to reject skinny girls - wow. Hard I know.) :doh:

I guess it comes down to finding someone who is down with their body to begin with though - and lets face it...this still isn't a whole lot of people especially those that I meet/ask out in life. 

It's a remarkably simple thing that attraction is. It's a shame society has to get in the way of it half the time.

Plus, Dims is kind of a internet pretend world in the sense that most people ARE cool with themselves (or at least claim to be). You guys have in a sense warped my reality a bit - but I have been coming here since I was like 12...sooo yeah guess I should have expected that.

I don't know if I could do the bag on my head thing - it would be hard to see wouldn't it?

Also screw that other woman. It's her kind of thinking that has got everyone's head so screwed up in the first place. I will also agree that the dude was real - regardless of firsthand knowledge of the situation - Hotties flock to Zwebs.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 4, 2012)

Marlayna said:


> No, not apologize for her feelings of insecurity, just apologize for hurting him.
> This story is too one-sided for me to even judge. I sure would like to hear her tell her side of it... but that seems highly doubtful.



Yeah - not a chance in hell. 

"So, let me get this straight...you want me to go to a board about size acceptance and your NOT AT ALL unique preference so I can feel better about myself? Where I'll meet all sorts of different people who feel the same way?"

"So you're saying I AM Fat?! You're a dick."

Can't win...


----------



## MadLordOfMilk (Jan 4, 2012)

lostjacket said:


> Yeah - not a chance in hell.
> 
> "So, let me get this straight...you want me to go to a board about size acceptance and your NOT AT ALL unique preference so I can feel better about myself? Where I'll meet all sorts of different people who feel the same way?"
> 
> ...



Yeah, that's a fun Catch-22. Similar is this conversation:
"You should know, I find fat girls attractive." "So... you think I'm fat?" "No." "So... you don't find me attractive?" "...no, that's not it either. I was just informing you." [cue more drama] :doh:

Insecurity has the unfortunate ability to reinforce itself.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jan 8, 2012)

That sucks. Lots of good advice in this thread. 

I wanted to say that, moving ahead, it would be good to remember that you did the right thing. You risked your feelings, you went with what drew you...and that her problems, as painful as they are to experience, are her problems. I mean, this:



lostjacket said:


> However, it wasn't until I did some deeper digging that I figured out what was the impetus for her breaking up with me - she felt like I was out of her league and was scared of losing me. Thus she decided to break it off - before I could hurt her.



...basically can't be fixed by anybody other than herself. No matter how unfair it is, no matter how pointless it seems, no matter how much you can see the roots of the problem and want to fix it. You're young, so I don't know if you'll find more or less of this as you move ahead, but still. You can't fix it. But--keep doing what you're doing.


----------



## metabliss (Jan 8, 2012)

Sorry if I am a little late to chime in on this, but I can relate. Many moons ago, I was that girl who broke it off because the guy that I was seeing was "out of my league". He was funny and awesome, and every bit as cute as you are. All I can say is that (at that time) I took our society's standards of beauty to heart. My insecurity was so overwhelming. My biggest thought was "I can't get naked with this guy. I wanna get naked with this guy, but I can't bring myself to do it". Not with the lights on anyway. And what kind of sex life/intimacy is that? I just couldn't shake it no matter how much we had in common or how much fun we had together. Not to mention I also cared too much about what others thought of us. I could just feel the stares and almost hear people's thoughts of "how in the world did she land him?" It was too much. Sad but true. My only advice to you would be to be clear up front with a woman that you prefer bigger girls. I mean, pound it in there with some tact. Compliment her, but don't be obnoxious about it, I'm sure you get it. I sometimes feel that if he had done that more, I would have gotten more comfortable and stuck around longer. And if you did all of that, then I am afraid that she is had some deeper issues that you just couldn't fix. Rely on fate my friend. Good Luck!


----------



## Victoria08 (Jan 11, 2012)

My input will almost certainly be useless because, let's face it, I haven't been in that situation - but I'll chime in anyway.
I really don't see how you could have done anything different to make the relationship work. I'm obviously a big girl and I have had issues with my size my entire life so I can kind of see where she was coming from. She was protecting herself from what she probably thought was inevitable heartbreak. If she isn't ready to love and accept herself the way she is (and it sounds like she's not) then the relationship with you was pretty doomed from the start. If you really want to persue a relationship with her then you are really going to have to be honest about your preferences and hope she she is open to what you have to say.


----------



## NancyGirl74 (Jan 11, 2012)

Here is the thing about us insecure fatties....It's not about you. You could be awesome, the best guy ever but if we don't believe in ourselves that we are capable of attracting and keeping such an awesome guy there is nothing you can do to change that belief. It is not something that can be discussed logically because it is not a logical issue. It's all mental and emotional. 

If you really like her and really want to be with her then I have only one suggestion...Be patient. Be patient and present. If you are consistently there with patient understanding she might overcome some of her hesitations enough to let you in. It takes time and effort to lose insecurities that have been built up over a life time so patience is the only course of action. However, you can _try_ to be there but don't wait around. _Don't_ put your life on hold while someone else works on their issues. Sadly, as wonderful and as patient as you might be her issues may never go away.


----------



## LovelyLiz (Jan 11, 2012)

I agree that us fat women have some specific issues hoisted onto us from society that makes us feel that we are (generally) in a lower "league" of dating (at least as society views it)...but these issues of insecurity are there at some level or another in almost every woman I know, regardless of her level of thinness or fatness (and many men that I know too, come to think of it). 

What I also agree with is that (in a healthy relationship where the people are in fact trustworthy, and act that way) the burden is on the insecure person to work on that issue and to grow in being able to learn to take the risk of trusting their partner's love. And it really is a risk - because as long as part of you believes the other person doesn't fully love you, or would prefer someone else to you, or intends to leave you - well then you have a little bit of protection of your heart that you are holding back, so if that does happen, there's a way your heart is not totally destroyed because you were "prepared."

Most people who have been really hurt by someone struggle with finding the appropriate measure of self-protection to have - and that can be a real long-term journey to figuring out. Fat women who may have had some rough dating experiences due to fatness often have their own special blend of this too (tho we don't corner the market on insecurity in dating). 

I've been working on some of these issues for a long time, and have made a lot of progress (over a number of years and with hard internal work), but it still crops up sometimes with my BF, and I have to work through it. It is legitimately still very hard sometimes; but it's so worth it.

I guess I'm saying that the chances of finding someone who never feels insecure are zilch. But I think finding someone who is self-aware enough to know that it's there, and to want to realize that it may not be telling the truth to them, and to learn to confront it/heal/work through it, etc. is key. It seems like this girl may need some more time on her own to sort through all that. (I agree with Nancygirl that you could play a role in that potentially - but ultimately it's completely up to her.)

Anyway, you seem great OP, and attuned to fat girl experiences and just having a kind heart. So hope you find a good match for that soon.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 11, 2012)

liz (di-va) said:


> That sucks. Lots of good advice in this thread.
> 
> I wanted to say that, moving ahead, it would be good to remember that you did the right thing. You risked your feelings, you went with what drew you...and that her problems, as painful as they are to experience, are her problems. I mean, this:
> 
> ...



Thanks - I intend to. I really have no idea what the future holds though - that's half the fun isn't it?


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 11, 2012)

metabliss said:


> And if you did all of that, then I am afraid that she is had some deeper issues that you just couldn't fix. Rely on fate my friend. Good Luck!



Unfortunately is was this - she was beautiful (and I made sure to tell her this on a regular basis). Still wasn't enough though.

Fate owes me one now I guess.


----------



## lostjacket (Jan 11, 2012)

Victoria08 said:


> My input will almost certainly be useless because, let's face it, I haven't been in that situation - but I'll chime in anyway.
> I really don't see how you could have done anything different to make the relationship work. I'm obviously a big girl and I have had issues with my size my entire life so I can kind of see where she was coming from. She was protecting herself from what she probably thought was inevitable heartbreak. If she isn't ready to love and accept herself the way she is (and it sounds like she's not) then the relationship with you was pretty doomed from the start. If you really want to persue a relationship with her then you are really going to have to be honest about your preferences and hope she she is open to what you have to say.



Oh - she knew I adored her body. She just couldn't get over the societal bullshit. "Friends" in this case weren't that great...


----------



## CastingPearls (Jan 11, 2012)

The other day, thinking of someone I love who couldn't deal with it, I realized two things; that I tend to convince myself TO do so much and he convinces himself OUT of so much, and that insecurity too, is heartbreaking. If he read this, he would recognize it himself, yet find some way to excuse or justify or think or reason it away and rather live with regret and guilt than believe he can change it for the better.


----------



## Webmaster (Jan 16, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> The other day, thinking of someone I love who couldn't deal with it, I realized two things; that I tend to convince myself TO do so much and he convinces himself OUT of so much, and that insecurity too, is heartbreaking. If he read this, he would recognize it himself, yet find some way to excuse or justify or think or reason it away and rather live with regret and guilt than believe he can change it for the better.



Interesting concept. Can you give a few concrete examples?


----------



## musicman (Jan 16, 2012)

NancyGirl74 said:


> Here is the thing about us insecure fatties....It's not about you. You could be awesome, the best guy ever but if we don't believe in ourselves that we are capable of attracting and keeping such an awesome guy there is nothing you can do to change that belief. It is not something that can be discussed logically because it is not a logical issue. It's all mental and emotional.
> 
> If you really like her and really want to be with her then I have only one suggestion...Be patient. Be patient and present. If you are consistently there with patient understanding she might overcome some of her hesitations enough to let you in. It takes time and effort to lose insecurities that have been built up over a life time so patience is the only course of action. *However, you can try to be there but don't wait around. Don't put your life on hold while someone else works on their issues. Sadly, as wonderful and as patient as you might be her issues may never go away.*



That is _excellent_ advice, especially the lines which I marked with boldface. It applies to many of the threads on this board.


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jan 16, 2012)

I have a little different take on this, entirely from past experience and saying nothing about the OP necessarily.

I agree that insecurity needs to be dealt with by the person who has the insecurity. Nothing that anyone else does to reassure you of your worth will actually make you feel it if you don't at least have a kernel of belief that they're right and not just using you/trying to get something/bullshitting. Yet....

There's a person I've had in my life for long enough to have been there when I was a much different person with far less self-confidence and far more insecurities. The person happens to have a somewhat black and white view of certain things, strong preferences, and an limited ability to control those facial expressions that let you know exactly what they thought of something before they got control of the impression they were giving. Unfortunately, it was a perfect storm in my life. I felt so good in some areas of the relationship and so crappy in others, especially when it came to things I couldn't change about myself [some basic genetics/physical attributes, family, past choices, whatever] or really didn't need to change about myself because they weren't innately wrong but just not this person's preference.

Instead of leaving a relationship, I would engage in very careful image control so the person wouldn't leave me, which in my mind would just confirm all the things they had to dislike about me. Of course, that gets exhausting and impossible to keep up, and then the person feels betrayed and claims they would've liked you anyway, but it sure didn't seem like it at the time when you were getting Those Looks.

I've gotten enough ovarian fortitude along the way, and I've had enough devastating losses that I know I can survive losing someone I love deeply but who doesn't like the whole package that makes up me. But I also know that there are times this same person, not meaning to be judgmental or to push buttons, says something that just triggers those insecurities all these years later. I can't imagine what a mess it would be if I didn't engage in purposeful analysis and self-talk to overcome these triggers.

Sometimes it's just a bad combination of factors, and one we hope we can one day learn to not let affect us so intensely. The only thing that truly made a difference for me was having ones in my life who demonstrated unconditional love, even when I haven't been so lovable, and a great deal of grace over my imperfections to the point of loving those quirks that others seem to disdain. Even then, the work was still inside me and being okay with the loss that could result from being true to myself.


----------

