# dumping



## exile in thighville (Jun 1, 2010)

what's wrong with it? it sucks to be dumped but why does it cause so many folks in this community to take moral high ground? does it belie the fear that you'll never find someone else so you must hang onto your lucky whoever at all costs? is it impolitic to suggest that being relative societal outcasts many of us are new to dating? so much jealousy, so much resentment, so much getting judgemental up in other people's business, no?

is there really a list of acceptable reasons to dump someone that we should be honoring? or is an ephemeral no-longer-attracted-to-you acceptable?


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## Christov (Jun 1, 2010)

Is it wrong that I laughed at the thread title a little? 

But yeah, shit happens, relationships end, the circle of life, yadda yadda...


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## mossystate (Jun 1, 2010)

If someone from the community asks for input, and they have laid out some of how they operate, it pretty much means that they will get feedback, and some will not be what they want to hear. People break up. People also have patterns, some of which they never want to see, but would rather believe that there is some outside force damning them. There is no one size fits all scenario. If you don't ask for ' help ', you don't see the higher ground stuff.

" I don't find her/him attractive "..." I find fault with every person, and I never want to think about why that is, but please give me feedback "....different stuff. The first person can be called shallow, whatever...but at least it is honest at the end of the day. They will find out how that is working for them...or not. 

I usually think it is the best thing to ' dump ' someone if you won't/can't get past what you, at the time at least, need in your life. Just don't ask for opinions. Just do the dumping and stop the neediness.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 1, 2010)

I've been dumped.

I have dumped.


Open doors are good things to keep in a relationship, I have found. I talk about "keeping an open door relationship" with any man that I go out with more than twice. It's important to me.

So......I understand if someone wants to cut me loose. It's how it's done that can be cruel.


I usually take a long time to make the decision to dump a guy because I figure what's done is done. That's also how I am after being dumped.....as in I don't take back any guy that asks me back after dumping me.

In short: nothing wrong with dumping someone but be sure it's what you want. There is no take-back once you drive a nail into something though.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 1, 2010)

"You must spread more reputation around before giving amy more to Green Eyed Fairy."

So much wisdom in so few words, and so much compassion showing through them. So good to read.


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## furious styles (Jun 1, 2010)

i think the problem is that we have a bizarrely tight social circle, anything that happens to anyone around here is news, and if it involved TWO members of our community ENDING A RELATIONSHIP well then HOLY SHIT let's spread it around.

it's like when someone who gets dumped talks to their friends, and you have all the same friends.


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## Dromond (Jun 1, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> "You must spread more reputation around before giving amy more to Green Eyed Fairy."
> 
> So much wisdom in so few words, and so much compassion showing through them. So good to read.



Indeed. I repped her for you. Someone else should pitch in too since I'm a lightweight in the rep department!


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## Blackjack (Jun 1, 2010)

furious styles said:


> i think the problem is that we have a bizarrely tight social circle, anything that happens to anyone around here is news, and if it involved TWO members of our community ENDING A RELATIONSHIP well then HOLY SHIT let's spread it around.
> 
> it's like when someone who gets dumped talks to their friends, and you have all the same friends.



It's not just the gossip thing, depending on how the relationship ended there's the potential of really tense relationships within that circle of friends that you share.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 2, 2010)

i've never understood the mentality of trying to talk people out of other people. i love gossip, love it. but it's all stories. not everyone's experience with a person is great/shitty. you can't will other people to have that same experience that you had with someone, and that makes some people so mad.


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## spiritangel (Jun 2, 2010)

I think it is more how it is done, I mean my recent ex expected to come for one last visit, have sex dates and all the perks then walk away with happy memories and I wouldnt have a bar of that, I think it depends on the people involved but letting someone know on messenger or msn rather than at least a phone call after 5 years is not gonna make me want to be friends with you ect

there are polite ways to do it and its never easy but at least talk it through and be civil and polite (that might just be me)


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## Tau (Jun 2, 2010)

Sooooo...who got dumped?? ehehe!


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## exile in thighville (Jun 2, 2010)

i'm sorry your mom had to find out this way


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## escapist (Jun 3, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> what's wrong with it? it sucks to be dumped but why does it cause so many folks in this community to take moral high ground? does it belie the fear that you'll never find someone else so you must hang onto your lucky whoever at all costs? is it impolitic to suggest that being relative societal outcasts many of us are new to dating? so much jealousy, so much resentment, so much getting judgemental up in other people's business, no?
> 
> *is there really a list of acceptable reasons to dump someone that we should be honoring? or is an ephemeral no-longer-attracted-to-you acceptable*?



Sorry for ignoring the rest but I just wanna comment on your last to questions. I think both are correct. I think there are very valid reasons for moving on, like when the relationship is harmful and abusive with little to no hope of repair. I also think you can absolutely loose attraction but that is something that can be changed. Often it means taking a step of forgiveness or letting some "infraction" or judgement go. Just as frequently it means trust needs to be restored to a relationship. Loosing attraction isn't some sort of magical thing. Its not a switch that just happens. Even if it feels like it was instant my own experience says its usually a build up of negative thoughts and feelings associated to other person.

If any of what I said makes sence and you want to know more try reading this book, Leadership and Self-Deception. Often when someone is judgmental, nasty, and unpleasant its stems from a unconscious form of self-deception meant to protect their ego or ideas of self.

Now if you really want to know why people hang on to unhealthy relationships...I don't know  I don't even want to spend the time thinking of all the possible reasons. It certainly know is easier to just realize there are a lot of great people out there who are very compatible with you. You just have to get past the fact that they won't be EXACTLY like your last relationship...and hell if your last relationship bombed, why would you even want that?


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## Tau (Jun 4, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> i'm sorry your mom had to find out this way



 My mom Exile??? My mom!! ahaha!


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## msbard90 (Jun 4, 2010)

I think that some people take such offense to being dumped no matter the social circle. From what I've noticed here is that a lot of the ladies (and gentlemen) meet their partners online. Everything is fine and dandy online and then shit starts to hit the fan once they meet up a couple times and everything isn't what it seemed to be. I think that we hear a lot of bitching about it because its acceptable here. You see one person whine about getting dumped, so whoever else gets dumped follows suit. If no one ever talked about getting dumped and no one consoled those who did talk about it- then we wouldn't have the issue. I actually think its because there are the "relationship counselors" here and they enable it. Thats what it is.


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## Tau (Jun 4, 2010)

I think more people in this community need to learn the difference between their private and their public business. I'm never going to say no to finding out the dirty on somebody's life. Its no even malicious, I just really enjoy other people's drama - so why don't those people learn to keep it to themselves??? This isn't about the fat community in my opinion, its about the fact that people aren't drawing a clear enough line between what's appropriate for the internet and what should really, really remain behind closed doors.


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## LisaInNC (Jun 4, 2010)

ok whatever...who got dumped?


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## Webmaster (Jun 6, 2010)

I think the rage and thirst for revenge some folks work themselves into when a relationship does not work out is completely counter-productive. I've seen normal, well-adjusted intelligent people totally lose it and become utterly psychotic when they think they've been wronged in a relationship. That makes as little sense to me as does the frothing at the mouth we see over political issues. Sometimes it seems that what people really do want in life is a big, continuing, never-ending soap opera.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 6, 2010)

Webmaster said:


> I think the rage and thirst for revenge some folks work themselves into when a relationship does not work out is completely counter-productive. I've seen normal, well-adjusted intelligent people totally lose it and become utterly psychotic when they think they've been wronged in a relationship. That makes as little sense to me as does the frothing at the mouth we see over political issues. Sometimes it seems that what people really do want in life is a big, continuing, never-ending soap opera.



I think it's really easy to be judgemental about these situations if you're not in them. Of course everyone gets dumped at some point, but it's reasonably going to affect people differently depending on the situation.

CNN did a piece on this, but i honestly do think it's possible to get addicted to a person or to a relationship. If that's the case, being deprived of that relationship or of contact with that person may have some sort of physiological affect on you, not a whole lot different from deprivation of a drug, cigarette or ability to shop or gamble. "Turning psychotic" may be an innapropriate but understandable reaction.

While we all understand you can't, and shouldn't rely on a partner for your self esteem, the fact is some people's self esteem is based at least in part on a partner's approval and positive reinforcement. Taking that approval away can be damaging. The need for love and companionship is a strong need; humans are social beings. When somebody is deprived of that their reaction may not always be totally "sane". Somebody who grew up fat or who was bullied or teased for their appearance might be even more vulnerable to losing a source of approval and positvity.

On a practical level, a fat person may have been a social outcast, may have encountered closet FA, or may have perennially been a class clown or in friend zone or told that a crush "doesn't think of you that way". The less romantic/sexual success somebody has had, the more difficult a breakup might be. There are tons of posts on here from people who said they didn't date until late in life, lost virginity late, were in abusive marriages because they thought nobody else would want them, etc. If you've had limitted success, it's not that easy to think you're going to find somebody else.

With FAs, they may not have come out until later, and it's possible they were with partners where they did not feel a strong connection or were constantly with partners where they knew it was not "the one". A young person may feel peer pressure to not be with a fat person, so the first relationship with a fat partner may come later and thus be as difficult for an adult as a teenage breakup might be.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 6, 2010)

Forgot this in the above post, but some breakups are totally unexpected. Obviously not referring to a casual dating situation here, but with a longer term thing, somebody will likely have a strong sense of security in the relationship. If somebody is suddenly dumped and didn't see it coming or thought everything was fine, that breakup can really rock a person's self confidence. They may wonder what was wrong with them for not seeing it or not seeing that the partner was unhappy. They may lose a broader sense of security with the world as large and start to think that nothing or nobody is reliable or dependable.

There also may be tertiary benefits a relationship provided that are now going to be gone. That can be anything from social status to money to lifestyle. Losing something you've depended on can be stressful as well. I know of at least two men who felt super guilty over divorces/breakups with partners that in one case a man gave his ex their house; he just moved out. In another he moved out but kept paying the rent because he felt bad and knew her income would not cover it. In those cases, the women not only lost partners but now had to worry about where to live and potential reductions in lifestyle.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 6, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Forgot this in the above post, but some breakups are totally unexpected. Obviously not referring to a casual dating situation here, but with a longer term thing, somebody will likely have a strong sense of security in the relationship. If somebody is suddenly dumped and didn't see it coming or thought everything was fine, that breakup can really rock a person's self confidence. They may wonder what was wrong with them for not seeing it or not seeing that the partner was unhappy. They may lose a broader sense of security with the world as large and start to think that nothing or nobody is reliable or dependable.
> 
> There also may be tertiary benefits a relationship provided that are now going to be gone. That can be anything from social status to money to lifestyle. Losing something you've depended on can be stressful as well. I know of at least two men who felt super guilty over divorces/breakups with partners that in one case a man gave his ex their house; he just moved out. In another he moved out but kept paying the rent because he felt bad and knew her income would not cover it. In those cases, the women not only lost partners but now had to worry about where to live and potential reductions in lifestyle.




On this same note, I have also seen people that simply "gave the ex everything" because they didn't want to prolong contact/fighting/break up with haggling over material items. They were willing to walk away from everything they had/worked for just to be free. 

Some relationships are just that bad, I suppose. Personally, I can certainly understand the emotional exhaustion and draining that would make a person do such a thing. Tired of the fighting and bullsh*t, you simply do whatever it is you need to do to avoid any more of it.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 6, 2010)

I think it's mostly selfish reasons at play here, speaking only for myself. On one side I've got a crazy wacked out overly needy friend who thinks anyone who dumps her should die a horrible death. She makes awesome cupcakes though, and has an 'IN' with the attorney general's office. The other guy? Just some hapless schmo who dated the wrong person. I dont care how nice he is or how sincere his reasons. There are cupcakes at stake here. Schmo isn't worth being disconnected from my tasty social circle. When I need moral support to go with me to Probate Court Schmo is going to be too busy rooting through the other half of my social circle to give a crap about what happens to me. He is on his own and my loyalty goes to those who are most loyal. It's what friends are for.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 6, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I think it's mostly selfish reasons at play here, speaking only for myself. On one side I've got a crazy wacked out overly needy friend who thinks anyone who dumps her should die a horrible death. She makes awesome cupcakes though, and has an 'IN' with the attorney general's office. The other guy? Just some hapless schmo who dated the wrong person. I dont care how nice he is or how sincere his reasons. There are cupcakes at stake here. Schmo isn't worth being disconnected from my tasty social circle. When I need moral support to go with me to Probate Court Schmo is going to be too busy rooting through the other half of my social circle to give a crap about what happens to me. He is on his own and my loyalty goes to those who are most loyal. It's what friends are for.




This logic is quite sound :bow:


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## joswitch (Jun 6, 2010)

Webmaster said:


> I think the rage and thirst for revenge some folks work themselves into when a relationship does not work out is completely counter-productive. I've seen normal, well-adjusted intelligent people totally lose it and become utterly psychotic when they think they've been wronged in a relationship. That makes as little sense to me as does the frothing at the mouth we see over political issues. Sometimes it seems that what people really do want in life is a big, continuing, never-ending soap opera.



Agreed.
I've have dumped. (Really hated / hurt to do so).
And I have been dumped. (Ouch.)
Not going into a psychotic fit about it, and dealing with very strong feelings without resorting to all kindsa nastiness towards the ex - well, that's just part of being a grownup. IMO.


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## Gspoon (Jun 15, 2010)

I have been dumped more than I have dumped someone else.

I dumped my 1st girlfriend because I wasn't allowed to date at the time, and I was around 14.

After that, I never really dumped anyone. I had a rocky relationship with my ex girlfriend of 3 years, I did break up with her once but after that, she broke up with me. Not too much a problem though 

I prefer to be the one being dumped, because then I do not place sorrow or grief on anyone, I would rather bear that burden myself.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jun 16, 2010)

Gspoon said:


> I have been dumped more than I have dumped someone else.
> 
> I dumped my 1st girlfriend because I wasn't allowed to date at the time, and I was around 14.
> 
> ...



I think this comes from having a kind heart. That being said, knowing that you must have a kind heart, then I suspect you might be able to appreciate what I'm next going to say. 

Dumping someone is not the most unkind thing you can do.

Your post reminded me of people that do things in unhappy relationships to end it yet never actually say the words. Instead, they leave the other person no choice but to end it because of something hurtful they have done. 

That type of behavior has always struck me as being cruel and even manipulative. 

If you want out of a relationship, honesty is best. Sure, truth hurts but other things can hurt so much more. 

Just felt the need to say that to you because you are a young man starting out and perhaps you are interested in another perspective


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## exile in thighville (Jun 16, 2010)

sometimes you place learning and betterment on someone


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## wrestlingguy (Jun 16, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> sometimes you place learning and betterment on someone



True, provided that person comes to understand the reason for the dump. Some don't, and when that happens, it often causes hard feelings, which doesn't place learning or betterment on anyone.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 16, 2010)

sometimes the someone is yourself


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## superodalisque (Jun 16, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> what's wrong with it? it sucks to be dumped but why does it cause so many folks in this community to take moral high ground? does it belie the fear that you'll never find someone else so you must hang onto your lucky whoever at all costs? is it impolitic to suggest that being relative societal outcasts many of us are new to dating? so much jealousy, so much resentment, so much getting judgemental up in other people's business, no?
> 
> is there really a list of acceptable reasons to dump someone that we should be honoring? or is an ephemeral no-longer-attracted-to-you acceptable?



i never quite understood the big deal about dumping or being a dumpee. on the whole there is just way too much drama about something that should be a simple friendly "we just don't fit". after all hopefully you're dealing with someone you like appreciate and have a high opinion of anyway. i guess that would also make them a friend? feeling disappointed is one thing but actually being angry with the person is something we really need to examine. 

any reason someone has that makes them feel like not being with someone in a relationship is acceptable. who said you have to sign your life way just because you were once interested in someone? it doesn't have to be some big honking value judgement. if it is dramatic its because someone has ego issues and not because they've been seriously done wrong. no one owes anyone themselves. all they owe you is not to be disrespectful of you and to be straight about the interest coming to an end.

as for the initial statement about being social outcasts i think it depends on the person. if people feel like social outcasts then that would definitely feed into it. i've never felt like a social outcast and have always dated even as a teen so i really can get with how people might feel about the teen angst that seems to be displayed by a lot of adults in the community. thats yet another reason i don't date in it. its all just too much when all you want to do is have a date, flirt a little, have some fun and get to know somebody. the opinions of his friends and her friends always seem to be out there pressuring people. so many ignorant eyes and ignorant opinions judging you that way as a grown up adult isn't an attractive situation.

i've always felt any opinions feelings etc... should just be between you and the person. when you allow others or bring others to involve themselves in your pending relationships too much they are doomed to fail anyway. i usually run from guys who have a big bunch of nosy judgmental friends. its okay to be social but its a mistake to give friends too much importance in your intimate relationships. if they are really your friends they'll give you and the person you are interested in a break.

i don't know if its a fat thing or an american thing but my european friends have always said that they found americans to be really intrusive when it comes to other people's relationships. i would have to agree for the most part. we don't have any boundaries and we don't understand what privacy means. maybe we need to learn. but i do feel that fat fear has something to do with it. the whole idea that fat people are desperate outcasts scares people and makes them behave abnormally and immaturely. so maybe if we actually changed the assumption of abnormality we have in our own community people would behave a bit more normally for their ages.


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## joswitch (Jun 17, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> sometimes you place learning and betterment on someone
> sometimes the someone is yourself



Quoted for truth....


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## calauria (Jun 17, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> On this same note, I have also seen people that simply "gave the ex everything" because they didn't want to prolong contact/fighting/break up with haggling over material items. They were willing to walk away from everything they had/worked for just to be free.
> 
> Some relationships are just that bad, I suppose. Personally, I can certainly understand the emotional exhaustion and draining that would make a person do such a thing. Tired of the fighting and bullsh*t, you simply do whatever it is you need to do to avoid any more of it.



I was one of those people. I had 11 month old daughter and was pregnant when I left and I had nothing, nothing....totally broke.


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## KHayes666 (Jun 17, 2010)

There is no right way to dump someone. Sure sometimes there are perfectly logical reasons such as spousal abuse, drug addictions, lack of job to support a family and a few others....but there had to have been a reason why you're in that relationship to begin with.

The last girl I dumped, I regretted doing it months later because they weren't for the above mentioned reasons but in the long run it made me better to learn from my mistakes.

Being dumped hurts, and depending on how close you were to someone it could hurt A LOT. Make sure if you enter a relationship with someone, that you're prepared for anything.


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## wrestlingguy (Jun 18, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> sometimes the someone is yourself



Agreed. Whether you're dumped, or a relationship ends by mutual decision, people often find themselves hitting the relationship rewind button, examining their actions, as well as those of the other person.

The smart person who does this with an open mind, provided the can "own" their contribution to the breakup, can often improve their performance in the next relationship they enter. 

For those who won't take the time to reflect, they're often doomed to repeat the same actions again and again, typically with the same results.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 18, 2010)

While it is certainly important to recognize when one has done something wrong or hurtful towards another, it's also true that in many cases a breakup just happens because one person fell out of love or because s/he met somebody else. It was not always something one person did or didn't do. 

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did, because that may give some illusion of control; if you can identify what you did wrong you can tell yourself the breakup happened because of something you did or did not do and therefore you might have avoided it through your actions. This is not always the case.


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## wrestlingguy (Jun 18, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> While it is certainly important to recognize when one has done something wrong or hurtful towards another, it's also true that in many cases a breakup just happens because one person fell out of love or because s/he met somebody else. It was not always something one person did or didn't do.
> 
> You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did, because that may give some illusion of control; if you can identify what you did wrong you can tell yourself the breakup happened because of something you did or did not do and therefore you might have avoided it through your actions. This is not always the case.



This, to an extent. People fall in and out of love, it happens.

Despite that, there are 2 players in the play, and if the body of work known as their relationship ends, even if they fall out of love with each other, or if another person enters the life of one of them, it would still be wise to examine the relationship. Let's be honest, if the relationship was wonderful, would the other person be open to another relationship, or falling out of love so easily?

For me, there isn't typically only one thing that causes a relationship to end. Dr. Phil (not me) often talks about the 80/20 rule, meaning that if the other person in the relationship is "perfect" for you 80% of the time, you can negotiate the other 20%. So, it seems to me it would be wise to examine at the end to see if you or the other person didn't give the 80 percent.

I've often contacted past relationships to apologize for the parts of the relationship that I have learned contributed to its demise. While the other person in the relationship may not care about that contact, it becomes important to me to express it, as an acknowledgment that I was wrong about some actions, have learned from it, and can move on.


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## LoveBHMS (Jun 18, 2010)

True, but at best you might examine why you were in the relationship in the first place, but not necessarily believe you did anything wrong.

As far as contacting a former partner, i'm not sure that's always the best idea for the other person. I mean if you were there because you felt too guilty to break up, or thought you would not find somebody else, is it really a good idea to call the other person and apologize for staying with them when you really weren't happy? If somebody was unhappy about a breakup, hearing from the person who dumped them might be hurtful.


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## LillyBBBW (Jun 19, 2010)

I've stayed out of this conversation because I truly haven't had that many long term relationships to qualify as having a valid viewpoint. Speaking only for myself though I would never break up with someone simply because they did something I didn't like. I would just tell him that I didn't like something, it hurt my feelings, it was embarassing, etc. A breakup usually consists of irreconcilable differences where there really is no wrong doing involved. We just didn't get along on something and either I or he felt that it wasn't going to work. In the case where someone is abusing you or sleeping around or something it would seem the inevitable breakup would be self explanatory. In many cases though you might be better off not knowing. 

This is a confession so to speak. I stopped seeing someone because he has a cat. Yes it's true. He loves this shit-assed cat and I hate them and am insanely allergic. Drugs and sprays simply don't work and even if they did, I don't want to live my life taking all this stuff to keep up with an animal that I don't like. I didn't want to tell him that because he loves this dang-assed cat so much and I knew it would make me look like a piece of shit. This world is overrun with cat lovers but I simply can't help it. It was a strong enough reason for me, I really am painfully allergic. I mentioned once or twice in the beginning that I didn't like them but he was like, "NO, not my cat! My cat is wonderful and not like all the others. :wubu: I'll vacuum." When we hung out my throat and sinuses would be so raw the next day. There was cat all over him all the time. I don't know, I just didn't want to tell him. It would have been too dramatic and he would have gotten angry grandstanding to protect his cat's honor.... he just doesn't understand. I told him I was seeing someone else which wasn't true at all. But I'd rather him think that than put him through something over this cat. People can be funny sometimes and get very attached to their animals. But you see there, there's no self reflection necessary on his part. There was nothing he could have done. I chose not to say anything about it. Maybe I'm evil but I don't see why that would have made much difference in the long run. It would not have made either of us better people in my view.


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## joswitch (Jun 19, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> While it is certainly important to recognize when one has done something wrong or hurtful towards another, it's also true that in many cases a breakup just happens because one person fell out of love or because s/he met somebody else. It was not always something one person did or didn't do.
> 
> You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did, because that may give some illusion of control; if you can identify what you did wrong you can tell yourself the breakup happened because of something you did or did not do and therefore you might have avoided it through your actions. This is not always the case.



Well, that's true. But if you offer your apologies feely for wrongs done, not because you expect anything from the ex... Nor even in the belief that it could've "fixed" things, but - simply cos they are someone you love(d) and want them to know that you understood that x, y, z you did wasn't good and you're sorry for it. 
Well, it does no harm, to either of you.
And maybe it'll do both of you good...


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