# Caretaker For Aging Parent(s) or Sibling



## moore2me (Aug 5, 2012)

*In the last month I have found myself involuntarily thrust into a job as caretaker for my mom*. I love mom and would do anything I could to help her, but I honestly have trouble taking care of myself - a full time job. Mom has always been the strong element in our family and watching her rapid decline, especially in the last few months, fills me with dread and unrest.

What brought about starting this thread, is a Fireman called me at 5 AM this morning and woke me up. He said, his station had an emergency call this morning from mom, who was up early making coffee and all of a sudden became dizzy, felt faint, and could barely walk. He said they were taking her to a hospital and we could meet them there. Now I must add that almost the same thing happened a week ago and I got another call from another Fireman saying mom had fell in her house. She called them to get her up and they were taking her to the emergency room. They said we could meet them at the ER. This time it was 10 PM. 

Mom has three kids - I live the closest (an hour away). My two brothers both live about 2-3 hours away.Both boys help, but they are not always home - they travel for a living. A small area of conflict is that mom respects their opinion more than she does mine. She will often poo-poo my advice and at the same time treats advice from the boys like words from God.

A few more things clouding the caretaking task. Mom is profoundly hard of hearing. She if just about deaf due to heavy antibiotics used on her years ago. Mom also is becoming very forgetful. Lately, she is making several phone calls to me & saying the same thing each time. She forgets that we have talked 15 minutes ago. Last week she called three times within an hour and told me the exact same thing each time. I hope she is not getting Alzheimer's - her sister died from this brain eating syndrome 2 years ago - it was not a pretty process.

So far, mom refuses to leave her home and go to assisted living. She is still living alone (my father died almost 20 years ago). She has expressed a wish to die rather than be confined to her bed, where her quality of life would be unbearable.

I have been shang-hi'ed and forced to ride this roller coaster. I do not like the ride and am not ready for where it's going. I would appreciate words of wisdom from others here who have already gone thru this end of life process with their parent(s) and can give me suggestions that will help my burden and make mom's a little easier (if possible).

*Also, others should feel free to add their current (or past) problems in the same area along with my story.*
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The plot thickens . . . .
*P.S. And if mom wasn't enough to deal with, my husband's older brother is also in rapid mental and physical decline due to a stroke and a couple of unfortunate accidents. He wants (and needs) to go into an assisted living facility or a nursing home. He keeps calling hubby asking for assistance in doing this.* The problem is the brother has a wife who refuses to admit him and insists on keeping brother-in-law at home, under "house arrest", and will not agree to turn him over to another facility for Aging.


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## fritzi (Aug 5, 2012)

moore2me said:


> *In the last month I have found myself involuntarily thrust into a job as caretaker for my mom*.
> 
> Mom has three kids - I live the closest (an hour away). My two brothers both live about 2-3 hours away.Both boys help, but they are not always home - they travel for a living. A small area of conflict is that mom respects their opinion more than she does mine. She will often poo-poo my advice and at the same time treats advice from the boys like words from God.



M2M, my fullest sympathy for your situation. Suddenly having to deal with the massive problems aging often brings with it in the family context is difficult. We had that a few years ago with by grandmother, who declined slowly before dying after 5 years at 90.

From our experiences, I would come up with the following advice:

Living an hour away, you cannot handle the task of fully caring for your mother as she will now or very soon need it, simply time wise and logistically. 
Same goes for your brothers.
We only managed for three years with 2 caring parties living on the same block!

So get together with your brothers and devise a joint strategy, probably using their higher influence on your mother to get her to agree with moving to an assisted living/nursing facility. (One which offers both is mostly better because a change in health and capabilities can be taken care of directly without maybe the necessity of another move.)

With my grandmother and with parents of friends I've noticed that being deaf aggravates and speeds up the mental decline caused by Alzheimers or dementia. Simply because it takes so much of an effort to understand whats going out, 'zoning out' and thus even more rapidly losing touch with reality becomes a way of life.

So if there is any way hearing-aids might help your mother, it would be a good idea to have them fitted and her trained to actively use them, to make connecting with others easier.

Otherwise - find positive outlets for your husband and yourself - so you can stay strong, healthy and positive.

Good luck - your have very challenging tasks ahead!


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## moore2me (Aug 5, 2012)

*(M2M's response in blue.)*



fritzi said:


> M2M, my fullest sympathy for your situation. Suddenly having to deal with the massive problems aging often brings with it in the family context is difficult. We had that a few years ago with by grandmother, who declined slowly before dying after 5 years at 90.
> 
> *My father and his mother both died from massive heart attacks. One attack, little warning and little chance of surviving. It is pretty much a genetic pattern for my paternal relatives. So, I have no experience with going thru this complicated situation with mom.*
> 
> ...



*Thanks for your encouragement and tips - Lord knows I need it.*


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## Diana_Prince245 (Aug 5, 2012)

M2M, you might look into hiring an aide to be with your mom. A lot of long-term care plans will reimburse this cost because aides, even for 24 hours a day, are often cheaper than facilities.

You also need to make sure your mom has her POA taken care of before her memory is too far gone.

Hugs!


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## moore2me (Aug 5, 2012)

Diana_Prince245 said:


> M2M, you might look into hiring an aide to be with your mom. A lot of long-term care plans will reimburse this cost because aides, even for 24 hours a day, are often cheaper than facilities.
> 
> *Nursing aides that would work at her home would be helpful too. Getting mom to let them to come into her house and work would be nice too. Mom is a retired RN and is very demanding of nursing attendants. People without strong personalities and the inability to work hard will find themselves perstered incessantly to keep up with her wants/needs. I can't take much more than a couple of hours at her house before I scurry out the door with my tail between my legs.
> *
> ...



.............................


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## fritzi (Aug 5, 2012)

Diana_Prince245 said:


> You also need to make sure your mom has her POA taken care of before her memory is too far gone.



Crucial advice! Forgot about that one while typing!

If you already have an attorney working with you, ask him what kind of POA he would advise and how to go about it with your mother!


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## Diana_Prince245 (Aug 5, 2012)

A POA is a power of attorney. There are different types -- medical, general, etc. It allows someone else to make decisions for you if you are incapacitated.


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## moore2me (Aug 9, 2012)

I usually call mom several times a day now. Tonight I had a 10 minute discussion about if today was Wednesday or Thursday. After the first few minutes of going over the salient facts, even I was confused. I kept saying . . . Monday you did (insert activity), Tuesday you did (insert activity), Today you did (insert activity) . . . .

Plus, mom admitted that she almost needed to call for emergency help again yesterday (for the third time). That settled it, I am getting her a medical alert necklace to wear so she can call for help if she falls again or her vertigo makes her feel faint. She agreed to wear it after I added that my oldest brother thinks she needed one too. A little good news - now Walmart sells a couple of medical alert systems.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/LogicMark...cy-Alert-System-1ct/15935639#Item+Description


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## CarlaSixx (Aug 9, 2012)

Oh... this is close to home.

My mother has been in and out of hospitals for over a year now. She had a quick decline in 4 years going from walking perfectly fine, to using a cane, then a walker, and now is completely wheelchair bound. She's been getting lots of severe infections, had complete renal failure, etc. 

I'm the only one who's been with her basically every day except holidays and Sundays. I'm not even her POA, which was recently a very big problem for a few things. 

I hate that she doesn't give me any credit. She just bad-lashes me, and belittles me. And then I refuse to help her, which makes her belittle me even more. I'm so frustrated with her and her situation that I really want ot give up, run away, and let her rot on her own. I'm feeling like it would be the best thing for us, because it's getting out of hand. And then she goes and criticizes my mental instability all while refusing to believe that she plays any part in it.


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## Diana_Prince245 (Aug 9, 2012)

moore2me said:


> I usually call mom several times a day now. Tonight I had a 10 minute discussion about if today was Wednesday or Thursday. After the first few minutes of going over the salient facts, even I was confused. I kept saying . . . Monday you did (insert activity), Tuesday you did (insert activity), Today you did (insert activity) . . . .
> 
> Plus, mom admitted that she almost needed to call for emergency help again yesterday (for the third time). That settled it, I am getting her a medical alert necklace to wear so she can call for help if she falls again or her vertigo makes her feel faint. She agreed to wear it after I added that my oldest brother thinks she needed one too. A little good news - now Walmart sells a couple of medical alert systems.
> 
> http://www.walmart.com/ip/LogicMark...cy-Alert-System-1ct/15935639#Item+Description



Those things are great. Make sure she keeps it around her neck. If she puts it on her walker or in her purse, she could fall and still not be able to reach it. If it's around her neck, she'll be able to get to it.


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## moore2me (Aug 9, 2012)

Diana_Prince245 said:


> Those things are great. Make sure she keeps it around her neck. If she puts it on her walker or in her purse, she could fall and still not be able to reach it. If it's around her neck, she'll be able to get to it.



Dear Diana,

As usual, great advice - wear the alert necklace & don't put it in your purse.




CarlaSixx said:


> Oh... this is close to home.
> 
> My mother has been in and out of hospitals for over a year now. She had a quick decline in 4 years going from walking perfectly fine, to using a cane, then a walker, and now is completely wheelchair bound. She's been getting lots of severe infections, had complete renal failure, etc.
> 
> ...



I guess I am lucky on the POA - my brother and I are on the same page on handling mom's affairs. However, ten years ago when mom (on her own) set my younger brother as her POA, I pitched a fit. Nothing makes me madder than selecting men over women to do a job that the woman is more qualified for, I was furious for months.

However, a couple of years ago both my husband's parents died. He is the middle son (out of three boys) and his parents gave him POA and made him executor of their will. His parents only had a small estate and two small houses (paid for). You would think this liitle inheritance would be easy to distribute. Not on your life! This has been nothing but a headache for him (and me too). You would not believe the trouble and aggravation taking care of his parent's affairs have generated. I didn't take me long to realize that I was lucky to not have to go thru this again. (Plus, my health has declined now so that I do not need more stress - my cup is running over already.)

Carla Sixx,

As far as your mom not giving you credit (or even thanks) - social gracies may never come. I do not know what your mom suffers from, but often geriatric patients at the end of life cycle have some serious mental issues that change their personalities. I watched this happen to my Aunt who died from Alzheimer's - she was one a sweet, gracious, southern lady. When her brain started deteriorating, there was no telling what she would do. I took her on a little drive one day & stopped for gas at a station. She started asking me what I did with her purse. (It was on the floorboard of the car.) I told her where it was. She kept saying in a loud voice to me (outside pumping gas) that I must have her purse. People around us started looking at me like I was a thief - who stole from the elderly. I was so glad when we pulled out of that station. My point is, sometimes your loved one's personality undergoes dramatic changes - not their fault & due to disease.


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## moore2me (Aug 11, 2012)

Friends,

I think I am being punished for writing & discussing this stuff in this thread. Why? Out of the blue, Thursday night my brother-in-law called us at 3 AM and said he had fallen in his home and could not get up. He said he had called all of his (few) friends nearby and no one would answer this phone call. He wanted my husband's (his brothers) help and needed to know what to do - problem is, we live over 2 hours away.

Mr M2M did the best he could in the wee hours of the morning to do a long distance rescue. The boys finally decided that they needed to call 911 and his brother was eventually rescued by the local Fire Dept and the Ambulance Paramedics. He was hospitalized for a 24 hour period - they think he had another stroke. (The brother had a previous stroke about 2 yrs ago.) He has been confined to a wheelchair since the first stroke and a nasty workplace accident.

Where was the brother's wife at 3AM???? Have you heard the old country western song "Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town?"   

I guess the harpies and other tormentors will come after me again after this post. Don't care, sometimes you just can't keep quiet.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Aug 12, 2012)

M2M if no one has the POA,then you and your brothers need to sit down and discuss who is going to end up with it..That is your starting point..When you do decide you need to talk to your Mother's primary care physician and get his thought on whether she needs to be in an assisted living facility or not..Then you all need to talk to your Mother and explain to her that since all of you live so far away and she is having a lot of issues you all feel it would be better if she moves in to an assisted living facility closest to the sibling that has the POA..That way if she has some sort of medical emergency the hospital will not have to wait an hour or two to treat her..I know it will be hard to get her to agree to it since she is so independent but maybe if you keep pointing out that since none of you are close if something very serious happened there would be no one there to make sure she was taking care of..If she still fights then remind her that since she is a widow she needs a family member there that is able to sign paper for her care,also add that her doctor thinks it is a good ideal..I hope that helps and you get her to agree to it so it takes some of the stress off of you..

Now to your brother-in-law,have him call a lawyer as soon as possible without the wife knowing..He needs to get a copy of the fall he had Thursday night showing he has no one at home to help..He can admit himself to one without the wife being involved and if she tries to keep him out of one he can file for divorce and she wont be responsible for him at all..


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## moore2me (Aug 12, 2012)

Dear Bubblebuttbabe,

I would like to think that mom would accept your suggestion. I honestly think she would rather go ahead and die than leave her home. When her own mother faced similar circumstances many years ago, mom found a caretaker (a woman) to live with her permanently. I doubt if anyone would be able to take care of mom in this fashion - maybe we can find a couple of 12 hour caretakers?

As to Mr M2M's brother, we have actually done what you suggested twice already. Each time the brother caved in at the last minute and backed out of the divorce proceedings. I guess his errant wife/alley cat has some extra special lures that the boy cannot resist? Personally, I think this thing may end up one of those sad stories you read about in the paper.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Aug 12, 2012)

M2M, even if you get caretakers for 24/7 some one with the POA has to be closer to your Mom not unless y'all let the caretakers have the POA and your Mom has a prime directive filed with her lawyer or the hospital..I know it is hard to see your Mom losing her independence but there comes a time when someone has to step in and do what is best for her..I have been down this road and it is when you become the parent and your parent becomes the child..One of you has to step up and do what is needed even if it makes her so mad she cusses you for weeks..Been there and done that..

As for your BIL your husband needs to file a complaint with the Department of Social Services and report it as elderly abuse or as abuse of a disabled person..They will investigate and make a report and if it abuse then the BIL and SIL will have no choice but go by what the state wants..Some times you have to do what you see as right no matter how big of a family fight it causes because in the long run it has to be done..


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## BubbleButtBabe (Aug 12, 2012)

CarlaSixx said:


> Oh... this is close to home.
> 
> My mother has been in and out of hospitals for over a year now. She had a quick decline in 4 years going from walking perfectly fine, to using a cane, then a walker, and now is completely wheelchair bound. She's been getting lots of severe infections, had complete renal failure, etc.
> 
> ...



Carla if you can you need to change the POA over to you since you are with her the most..

People hurt the ones they love the most..In their mind they know that the other person will love them no matter how mean and uncaring they are to them..I don't understand it..You are not doing this so much for your Mom as you are for yourself,that way when she passes you will live with no regrets because you did all you could for her at the end of her life..Some times you have got to close your emotions off to deal with what needs to be done..You have to go cold and let things roll off of your back..Hard dealing with all of this I know but when she passes you will be glad you did it..


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## Orchid (Aug 14, 2012)

found this on the MedHelp Forum , you might find it interesting to read

www.medhelp.org/posts/Caregivers/When-to-go-to-assisted-living/show/1714050

www.medhelp.org/posts/Caregivers/Visiting-a-Nursing-Home---part-one/show/1739304


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## moore2me (Aug 14, 2012)

Orchid said:


> found this on the MedHelp Forum , you might find it interesting to read
> 
> www.medhelp.org/posts/Caregivers/When-to-go-to-assisted-living/show/1714050
> 
> www.medhelp.org/posts/Caregivers/Visiting-a-Nursing-Home---part-one/show/1739304



Dear Violet,

Thanks for finding those websites. I read the info from both of them and found it to have lots of good info and tips about getting mom or pop into assisted living or a nursing home. I can use their suggestions. 

You my dear are a peach! M2M


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## Cynthia (Aug 29, 2012)

An Emergency Response System would be a great help to your mom. She may even be eligible for help with monthly monitoring fees. (Contact your local Area Agency on Aging for info.) If dementia risk is a concern, as you mentioned, a physician can arrange for a cognitive status assessment (e.g., MMSE or SLUMS). Local Alzheimer's Assn chapters sometimes offer education and screening info, too.

These resources may be helpful:

*Eldercare Locator*
Plug your mother's zip code into this federal website, and you'll get contact information for the Area Agency on Aging (AAA) that serves her community. An AAA can conduct an assessment to identify what types of locally available aging services would be most helpful, and the staff can determine if your mother is eligible for any subsidies to make care options more affordable. 

*National Long-Term Care Clearinghouse*
The site, maintained by the Dept of Health and Human Services, has great info on state-by-state costs for nursing homes and assisted-living facilities, funding sources, and more.


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## moore2me (Dec 4, 2012)

*Warning -The first part of this story is sad - so I would avoid this post if you are depressed around this time of year.*

The first part happened a little over 40 years ago when I was in college. We were having Christmas that year at my grandmother's house in another state. She had invited all four of her children. Two of them had children and two did not. One of the girls with no children was a doctor professionally, instead of having kids she had two dogs - bassett hounds. 

She told grandmother she wanted to bring the two dogs with her to Christmas. Grandmother told her no way. There would be too many people and grandmother kept a very clean house. She wanted no part of some strange, huge dogs running around inside. (Grandmother was a widow and lived on a small pension from her and her husband's retirement money.) She barely tolerated my brothers who also ran around and created carnage in most houses.

A few days before we were to leave for the Christmas visit, we got a call from the Sheriff's office in my Aunt's town and said she had killed herself that morning. She had also taken the life of her two dogs too. She had written a note that no one had to bother about how she spent Christmas now. Well, obviously that ruined our family holidays for years - and might ruin the one this year - here's how . . . .

*Fast forward to the current day.
*My mom's health continues to decline. She is having another Christmas at her house. (She may not have another chance at such a party at her home.) Last week, a physician in a local hospital had to transplant some cadaver skin on a place on her foot that was not healing. He has kept her in bed for over a week so she cannot walk until the place heals. 

One of my brothers and his kids plan on bringing three dogs with them to mom's house. One dog is a bulldog, one is a dachshund, one is ???. Mom has never allowed dogs in her house - she is compulsively neat. She doesn't like animals in her house. However, there is no way she will say anything to my brother and his spawn because of what happened forty years ago - the family curse. (My brother remembers this - he was a preteen but he knows what happened.) Mom has called me for three days in a row now fretting about the visit of these three dogs.

Plus, these kinfolks are all college educated. They should know that dogs can spread infections and with mom having a sore that won't heal on her foot - why are they dragging these harbingers of disease into her house???? Mom has forbid me to say anything to my darling bro about this - (I am usually looked on as the village idiot in situations like this.)

*What do you guys thinK? Am I over-reacting? Should I tell my brother to keep the mutts where they belong - at the places where they live now?* None of these folks are cruel enough to make a dog live outside - all three dogs live inside and couldn't possible get by without their people for one night. *This group of Einsteins even go so far as to set the mutts in mom's chair and on her bed!!! *Go figure - you would think they were raised by wolves.


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## moore2me (Dec 6, 2012)

The upcoming Christmas problem with the doggies may have been fixed (not in a good way, but by medical necessity). When mom went back to the hospital for them to check on the progress of the transplant, they found she had developed a new blood clot in her other leg. They put her on anti-coagulants and sent her back home to bed again. This new development sent her into an additional tailspin that damaged her spirit, morale, and mood to do anything positive. 

My brothers and I had a quick con-fab by phone and agreed that Christmas festivities probably need to be scaled back considerably. Mom is in no shape mentally or physically for any more stress (even partying). I suggested we cut the celebration back at her house to no more than a couple of hours and no large groups. I implicated no mutts either. My Brother with the kids and responsible for the dogs agreed - hopefully this will stick. I hate that mom's condition had to worsen for this to come about tho.


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## moore2me (Dec 25, 2012)

Hubby and I are back home again from the Christmas eve party at mom's house. Everyone came and thankfully No Dogs We Present. We had to scale back the party so that it was only a couple of hours so the doggie set did not spend the night and left their critters at home (excellent move). 

We brought in BBQ, had a nice lunch & exchanged presents. I had a nice visit with my brothers and their families. The sad part is mom is getting more and more fragile. Before everyone left, she had gone back to her bedroom and fell asleep - something she has never done before. When we were finished, we cleaned up the mess, locked up and left. After I got home, she called me twice asking how everything went.


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## snuggletiger (Jan 22, 2013)

Good Luck Moore2Me. big hugs


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## moore2me (Jan 23, 2013)

Mom has been confined to bed by one of her doctors since right after Christmas. She really hates staying in bed and is continually depressed because of it - she doesn't like to do anything a person can do from a sick bed - she wants to be out and about. He has threatened her with possible loss of her leg(s) if she doesn't keep her wounds from escalating. It is sad when she calls me and cries, I feel sorry for her, plus laying in bed so much has made her weak as a kitten. She is still living alone and I continually worry about her from that stand point. 


I appreciate the good wishes from you Snuggle Tiger - they are needed.


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## moore2me (Mar 15, 2013)

*Warning Graphic Info On Stomach Problems
*Mom has been hiding a "little surprise" from her health care providers and family members. From an old stomach operation about ten years ago, she has developed an abdominal hernia. A significant loop of intestines has slipped thru a hole where the surgical site was and this hernia has been getting worse over time. She has been going to the hospital every week for over a year with her leg problems, but has not told the doctors about her hernia. 

*She finally showed it to one of her docs a few weeks ago, he was alarmed at the gravity of the situation. He said it could rupture at anytime now and she would certainly die a "bad" death from a gut infection or bleed out from a ruptured blood vessel. * The surgeon has told her that the operation to fix the problem is also life threatening - she may not survive the procedure. I looked up medical statistics on the surgery and 9% of patients die during the operation and an additional 28 % die before a month is up after the surgery - due to pneumonia and/or blood clots. Mom is 87 and in poor health, her odds are not good. However, her odds are worse without the fix. (She waited too long and the hernia has grown too dangerous.)

We have had long talks with her about this thing and she said she picked other health issues (a sort of triage) to work on first - her stomach problems never got a chance for a turn. My two brothers and I are in agreement that the operation should proceed, as long as the surgeon is willing to work on her. Which brings up a second problem that has raised its head (like a dragon coming out of a fire), mom's is starting to do and say non-rational things on a increasing basis. 

Those of you that read my BS in Dims may say "this sounds like a familial trait - the whole bunch must be irrational at times". However, mom has been the stable one in our family until now. *Now the question is "How many times a day/week does a person have to demonstrate irrational behavior for them to be judged incompetent?"* *Here's an example - she called one of my brothers this week and told him she was going for her operation immediately and needed him to come home and take her to the hospital. *He lives a good four hours drive away and had to take emergency leave from work and make a fast drive to mom's. When he got arrived, there was no surgery, she did not need to go to the hospital, she needed to take a nap and did so. He spent the night at her house and went back to work the next day. She apologized for the mixup and false emergency call.

*Another small example, two weeks ago she asked Mr M2M was year it was.* He told her several times it was 2013 and at first she didn't believe him - like we were trying to trick her or something. Today, she probably knows it is 2013. 

With her permission, I have been calling all of her accounts (water, gas, TV, etc.) and getting me added as a contact and co-responsible party. One day in the middle of setting up her TV account, she asked me what I was doing and started challenging me about it in front of the customer care rep who I was with at the time on mom's home phone. I think the lady thought "these two women must be drunk, the sound like a couple of lunatics!"


Sorry for all my long winded story, but things are really getting strange and *changing every day in M2M's little corner of the world. I do not like the changes and do not want them. It does not matter what I want, this is how things go in life so I need to be strong for my family and be a good girl for mom. I'll keep you guys posted how the surgery goes this Thursday 3/21.*


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## moore2me (Apr 7, 2013)

My mom had major surgery two weeks ago and has not recovered very well from its effects. The operation was a success but the patient nearly died about a week afterwards due to an infection in a secondary site that stopped her from healing. She stopped eating, she stopped walking, she lost the ability to speak because they put a IV in her jugular vein, she became incontinent, she developed a blood clot in her legs, water on her lungs and was pretty much "circling the drain" for several days. They talked about operating on her again, but her mind was clear and she denied it - she is 87 and problably would not have come out of surgery alive.

The doctors started treating her agressively with antibiotics, antifungals, heparin, stuff to make her eat, glucose, pain meds and a host of other pills and fluids. She has started to rally a little and the hospital called me two days ago and has rejected her for their in-patient rehab program due to her declining strength and health. Now, they want her discharged to an nursing home that will handle her rehab at a slower pace that is more suited to her frail condition.

This weekend we called another family meeting with all three of us kids (now adults), my mom, and a social worker and we went over her fate for the upcoming months. Mother, of course, who was very much wanting to go home, knew this was not going to happen until she could use with her bathrooom or a potty chair and at least walk a little around her house. I think she will try to build up her strength at least to the level it was at before the surgery. She has no other choice, we cannot afford private nurses for her 24 hours a day (which is what it would take for her to live at home the way she is now - plus she would probably be dead within a few months from an accident in the home.)

I have commited to finding a nursing home near where she lives now. At least she will be in the community where her friends can visit her. Naturally, my two brothers live hours away and did not volunteer to find a home in their towns.  Guess who lives close? Me!!!! :blink: Why am I not surprised that I am the winner here? :doh: One more snide remark and I will stop and try to be a good girl . . . . her only grandson who she loves more than anyone in the world has visited her once in the hospital. He lives an hour away. He is a man now and has a new wife and other things to do . . . .  I imagine she has spent at least several hundreds of hours raising him and babysitting him for his mom and dad. Kids don't remember how much old folks cared for them and still do and would like to spend time with them.


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## Piink (Apr 7, 2013)

((Hugs))

Being a caretaker for a parent is no easy task. I do it daily for both of mine. It's the least I could do for them. They stepped up and fought for me when I was a little girl (dad is bio dad, mom is step-mom, bio-mom lost custody of all 4 of her children (all different dads) and my dad fought to get custody of me for 2 long years). I do it to show them how much I truly appreciate what they did for me. I have no help with them, and as much as it would be nice, I prefer it that way. I know *everything*.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 7, 2013)

I was abused and neglected by both my father and grandmother all my life. He's recentlysuffered a moderate stroke and is in a nearby nursing/rehab facility. My 89 year old grandmother is insulin dependent and combative and it's only a matter of time befire she becomes physically violent. The Agency on Aging in this state can only do so much esp since thet're both fighting power of attorney. Added to that, my uncle has basically disowned his iwn mother, due in part to her abusiveness. My brother lives only two hours away and hasn't even sent our dad a card. Not surprisingly, both of them are regarded as golden idols and me, tgeir only caregiver is 'evil', horrible,.immoral and godless.
I've come to the long considered decision that I will make arrangements for my dad to be in safe hands to the best of my ability and my grandmither's church pastor will be contacting my tu ncle to take responsibility for her. 
I was not born to be enslaved to abusers until they expire. I wasn't born to give my life up and continue to be abused by them and now the people who won't support them too.
My first memories of these people is being physicalky beaten by both of them. I feel as if every good person in my family had to die to escape them but not me.
I'm changing my name and when able financially and with the support of friends am leaving.

I've seen family caregivers treated like human garbage at both the hands of those they care for and the ones who armchair quarterback and throw orders from a distance. I've seen them evicted from their family homes once their parent has died so the house xoyld be sold and to the victors, the spoiles. I've seen people give up romantic partners, schooling,pets, etc. all to be abandoned when there was no longer a use for them.

Not this woman.

I'm venting. Advice will be most unwelcome no matter who you are or where you've been. I'm done and in order to live my life, as all of them most cerainly have


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## CastingPearls (Apr 7, 2013)

*typos due to unruly cell phone keypad.


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## moore2me (Apr 10, 2013)

Dear Lainey,

You have my prayers and best wishes that you can once again escape the people that are tormenting you. I sincerely would like to keep talking with you wherever you end up, let me know where of your safe place. I promise and hope to die, I swear I will not tell these guys where you are. By the way, Arkansas is a nice place to live however, jobs are hard to come by (as with many other places in America right now.) Let me know if I can help. I am sending you a PM too.  


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Big change in mom's situation. For some reason, the inpatient therapy decided to accept mom (after they had already denied her entry into their program). So they moved her today from her recovery room to a semi private room in rehab. I hope this little deviation in her release will make her understand that she needs to work very hard to get her standard of living back (and stay out of a nursing home). They said she will be doing rehab activities for three hours a day - which in my book is amazing. They said after about 1.5 weeks, they may release her to home. That would be great!!!! :bow: :bow: :bow:


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## moore2me (Apr 10, 2013)

Dear Lainey,

You have my prayers and best wishes that you can once again escape the people that are tormenting you. I sincerely would like to keep talking with you wherever you end up, let me know where of your safe place. I promise and hope to die, I swear I will not tell these guys where you are. By the way, Arkansas is a nice place to live however, jobs are hard to come by (as with many other places in America right now.) Let me know if I can help. I am sending you a PM too.  


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Big change in mom's situation. For some reason, the inpatient therapy decided to accept mom (after they had already denied her entry into their program). So they moved her today from her recovery room to a semi private room in rehab. I hope this little deviation in her release will make her understand that she needs to work very hard to get her standard of living back (and stay out of a nursing home). They said she will be doing rehab activities for three hours a day - which in my book is amazing. They said after about 1.5 weeks, they may release her to home. That would be great!!!! :bow: :bow: :bow:


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