# Self acceptance as a BHM



## Lastminute.Tom (Aug 26, 2018)

I've recently started my journey of self acceptance, I'm doing cognitive behavioural therapy, I've just been diagnosed type 2 diabetes so I'm trying to look after myself a bit more, I'm not trying actively to loose weight although I was told that I might have to 

I want to know other BHMs self acceptance journeys, do you have any tips? or advice? a story to tell us?

I think eventually I would like to be confident enough to post pictures of my body, at the moment I can sort of love my body through my partners love of my body but I'd like to get the point of accepting myself.


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## fat hiker (Aug 27, 2018)

Part of my route to self acceptance was finding images and stories of other fat guys to admire and see the beauty and good in - watching for other fat guys just going about their lives, seemingly accepting, and wanting to be that way too. I looked for guys my size or bigger who were dressed the way I wanted or better; were doing things I wanted to do; had friends and partners like the sort I wished for. Surrounding myself with images and thoughts of 'winning fat guys' instead of the thin fashion types that the advertising world wants us to pine for was a big part of starting my self-acceptance.

That, and dumping all thoughts of dieting. And seeing exercise as a way to be healthier, and to do more, not as a route to weight loss.


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## DragonFly (Aug 28, 2018)

I wish my guy was still with us. I would immediately point you both to him to show what a self confident BHM looked and acted like. Professionally he was successful, had many many lifelong friends. He was confident and wonderful. I adored every part of him. Acceptance of self and confidence make a great pair. 

If you are looking for great fashion role models try https://chubstr.com/ 

Seriously, I find these guys inspirational and adorable


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## agouderia (Aug 28, 2018)

Great recommendations, fat hiker & Dragonfly.

Lastminute.Tom - the last element of your post re-ignited a thought loop I've gotten into periodically over the last few years. It is not critical of your post, and not even directly connected to your questions - but please bear with me since you addressed the issue.

How important is posting body pictures actually for achieving and showing real self-confidence?

All sorts of body pictures have become ubiquitous in the age of the internet - we all see the "influencers" and such who are only publicly known for posting pics of their backsides, boobs or whatever other body parts.

Until about 20 years ago - this was completely unknown. 
Only a very limited number of people with a professional background in some fashion or entertainment field could have their pictures publicized in the relatively limited number of outlets and channels.

Today, everybody can everywhere on the internet - and I haven't yet been able to decide whether this is a boon or a liability.

More and more people define themselves of their looks (often well filtered and edited) - this making body standards sky rocket, become unrealistic and unattainable.
On the other hand, having so many more channels and niches has also given more fat protagonists and sites the means to find their audiences and become inspirations - see chubstr above.

Then again, being a pretty militant data privacy advocate, too much personal exposure to an audience I cannot fully gauge lets my own alarm bells go off. 

It's a dilemma I haven't found an answer to yet.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 28, 2018)

Being completely honest, I haven't gotten to that point where I'm fully accepting of my body as it is now. Having been an athlete most of my life, my brain keeps telling me that I can change how I look (body-wise at least) if/when I get the gumption to do so. But the reality is that I haven't really tried all that much. I try to tell myself that I'm not all that bad (especially when I've got my gut sucked in), but the truth is that I may not like what I see but not to the point where I can't stand it and MUST do something about it. So what does that say about my resolve and/or acceptance?

I also have Type 2 diabetes and am on meds to control it. In my case, the meds have helped me lose a little weight (down to 224 lbs from 232 lbs) but It's not significant to the point where I'm shouting "Hooray!"

One of the reasons that I sought out this forum was to find a place where I was accpeted as I am and not as others think I should be but also where I could maybe learn to accept myself as I am. It seems to be more difficult than I would have thought. I try to stay positive and find the bright side of most things but I do have a hard time with my own self acceptance. I think the difficulty comes from others (read: women) not really finding me attractive. Sad as it is to say, it becomes troublesome when you don't fit in, figuratively and literally. I'm the first to advocate loving yourself first. However, it generally sucks when you are the only one that does. 

I am NOT seeking affirmation or sympathy here. I know eventually that I will get through this just like the other doldrums in life. Just wanting to express my own battles with self acceptance and trying to embrace my inner BHM (or at least the B & M part anyway).


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## agouderia (Aug 29, 2018)

BigElectricKat said:


> trying to embrace my inner BHM (or at least the B & M part anyway).



I hear you. 
The second B in BBW always seems hyberbole to my ears, too.
Beautiful in my book is a big word and I'm vary of its inflational use. It might apply to the women in Raphael paintings or Praxiteles' Hermes - but not necessarily to plain daily prettiness.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 29, 2018)

agouderia said:


> I hear you.
> The second B in BBW always seems hyberbole to my ears, too.
> Beautiful in my book is a big word and I'm vary of its inflational use. It might apply to the women in Raphael paintings or Praxiteles' Hermes - but not necessarily to plain daily prettiness.


I disagree. There's a lot to be said for "plain daily prettiness". The older I've gotten, the more I've recognize and enjoy the beauty found in the simplest things and in even the most modest of women especially. I find that I'm less concerned with a standard of beauty and more attracted to how the parts of a person make up something greater than the whole. Outwardly, I've come to be attracted to women who don't seem to be _trying_ to look beautiful and instead, just are. More times than not, those same women have a beautiful spirit as well, which makes it doubly attractive.


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## Lastminute.Tom (Aug 29, 2018)

Thank you all for your kind words and your support, 

Fat Hiker: An excellent suggestion, for most of my life I've been the fat guy in my group of thin friends, I'm not used to seeing the fat guy be the focus

DragonFly: Thank you for sharing your memories, his legacy lives on through you and the help and advice you give to us all, thank you for the link I'm already enjoying some of the articles

Agouderia: Posting pics is more of a metric to measure my self acceptance journey it was the first thing that came to mind, but I am open to other suggestions

BigElectricKat: Thank you for sharing, I'm sure there are women out there that find you attractive, it's hard to see them when you don't think they are there, you'll find someone


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## DragonFly (Aug 30, 2018)

Lastminute.Tom said:


> Thank you all for your kind words and your support,
> 
> Fat Hiker: An excellent suggestion, for most of my life I've been the fat guy in my group of thin friends, I'm not used to seeing the fat guy be the focus
> 
> ...


I’m glad you are liking Chubster. It is one of my favorite FB feeds. I hope your journey continues. Self confidence is the key.


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## Colonial Warrior (Oct 8, 2018)

Lastminute.Tom said:


> I've recently started my journey of self acceptance, I'm doing cognitive behavioural therapy, I've just been diagnosed type 2 diabetes so I'm trying to look after myself a bit more, I'm not trying actively to loose weight although I was told that I might have to
> 
> I want to know other BHMs self acceptance journeys, do you have any tips? or advice? a story to tell us?
> 
> I think eventually I would like to be confident enough to post pictures of my body, at the moment I can sort of love my body through my partners love of my body but I'd like to get the point of accepting myself.


I just wish you every measure of goodness and happiness!!!


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## Colonial Warrior (Oct 8, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> I’m glad you are liking Chubster. It is one of my favorite FB feeds. I hope your journey continues. Self confidence is the key.


Thank you so much to you!!!


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## abzu (Nov 20, 2018)

I've been fat all of my life, and from the beginning, I was neither in adoration of, nor critical of my form. I did, however, notice, the average and the thin obsessing over their appearance from an early age. Their parents and society often made it worse, like throwing gasoline on a fire. Most people I encounter continue to be like this, and assume that every detail of my appearance, however minuscule, is intentional. I gave up long ago on trying to convince them that many of these things are the product of chance or indifference or about one thing or another, as they've proven that an elaborate and often bizarre, fictional narrative is often running through their heads. I also gave up, at least in most in cases, attempting to educate them regarding how my body works. They either don't care what I have to say, don't understand it, or are convinced that whatever fantasy they've concocted is paramount. I therefore ignore all of these people as much as possible, unless it rises to the level of harassment, or presents imminent danger of preventing me from accessing vital resources of some sort, which, unfortunately, does happen on occasion. 

I find myself in the same position as when I was a teenager. The more enlightened society becomes, and the more commonplace larger bodies become, the less issue I have. In short, it is as it was in the beginning; The most dangerous issues my size, and, to be completely honest, my cognitive variance (Not a reference to mental illness, but the fact most people's neurology seems to be different than my own) with the majority of the population have attracted originate from those most intolerant of my size, NOT the ACTUAL problems my weight itself might have caused. The more they get their act together, the better I feel, in every way. 

A good, practical example of what I referenced in the previous paragraph: I really enjoy having been able to resume shopping at the only full-size grocery store near my home. The chain went bankrupt multiple times, and thanks to their last reorganization, coupled with the passage of time, it's no longer corporate policy, or quite as a much the cultural norm of the locals any longer to question everything I purchase in relation to my weight, or follow me around the store as they did my elderly mother years before, monitoring activity, and criticizing most choices. Not being held up for 20 minutes at checkout and having to get the manager because the morally challenged are entertaining themselves by seeing how many inappropriate questions they can get by with is surely a pleasure. It's almost like I'm a real person...or that I live in a real city again as I did when I was younger.


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## Lastminute.Tom (Dec 12, 2018)

thank you for sharing Abzu, it forking sucks how those ***** treated you and your mother, I'm glad to know things have changed. 

Your share has given me some clarity or maybe I'm just leaping to conclusions but I will share what I have gleaned based on my experiences and your post.

When you say people have this narrative running through their heads something clicked in my head, I think I remember when I was younger and I thought I'd get my parents approval if I was thinner, I'd see thin bodies and think "oh that could be me if only I could manage to do XYZ"

I think some people see us and they have to know that there was a reason that we're fat and they aren't because they're terrified that they'd be fat and they need the bizarre narrative so they can say "well that will never happen to me because of XYZ" (I think the name for theses narratives is tragedy porn)

Anyway really, it's just sad that people feel this way, they assume we have bad lives, like when I assumed being thin would give me a good life. I think this is another reason why fat representation in tv and film is so important, it's definitely getting better but we've got a long way to go.


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## BouncingBoy (Dec 13, 2018)

Tom.....I've been big ALL my life.When I was younger things got to me occasionally but my Mama(a nurse & also a big lady)told me to just be myself.As long as my vitals(BP,heart rate,pulse,Breathing) were within proper limits to NOT worry about what others said.I'm now 61 yrs. old & weigh roughly #360.I have aches & pains but that's normal for a lot of folks my age.I DON'T blame any of them om my weight(it may not help at times but it is NOT the cause).I tell every Dr. I go to that my weight is MY business & NOT theirs.If people comment negatively about my weight I just look at them & smile.I LOVE my life & nothing they say about my weight is going to change that!


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## Marshmallow Minotaur (Jan 4, 2019)

It’s just in the past couple of months that I like myself the way I am, and like where I’m taking it. 

It took me a long time of wavering whether to keep gaining or lose it. As I gain more I’m more comfortable with myself and being fat and getting fatter. It’s just something I accept. It helps seeing good looking fat guys too. With so many good looking fat men out there how bad can it be? I want to be one of them.


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## AmyJo1976 (Jan 5, 2019)

Marshmallow Minotaur said:


> It’s just in the past couple of months that I like myself the way I am, and like where I’m taking it.
> 
> It took me a long time of wavering whether to keep gaining or lose it. As I gain more I’m more comfortable with myself and being fat and getting fatter. It’s just something I accept. It helps seeing good looking fat guys too. With so many good looking fat men out there how bad can it be? I want to be one of them.


I don't see it as any different as wanting to be super fit. If that's what you like, just know that there are some of us that like your likes


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## SSBHM (Jan 6, 2019)

Unfortunately, there are fewer "some of us" to like our likes than I'd like.


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## FleurBleu (Jan 9, 2019)

Although I agree we're the minority with our likes, I think many people who share our views are not aware of it. It would help if more people knew about Dimensions. This forum has played a big role in discovering who I am but I stumbled across it by accident. I have no idea how to change that, though.


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## BigElectricKat (Jan 9, 2019)

FleurBleu said:


> Although I agree we're the minority with our likes, I think many people who share our views are not aware of it. It would help if more people knew about Dimensions. This forum has played a big role in discovering who I am but I stumbled across it by accident. I have no idea how to change that, though.


I agree. I came across it by accident as well and credit the site and many of it's members with helping me to educate myself and expand my horizons.


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## LizzieJones (Jan 9, 2019)

BigElectricKat said:


> I agree. I came across it by accident as well and credit the site and many of it's members with helping me to educate myself and expand my horizons.




I actively seeked out a forum such as this one. This one was the best of the three forums that I had found.


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## AmyJo1976 (Jan 10, 2019)

BigElectricKat said:


> I agree. I came across it by accident as well and credit the site and many of it's members with helping me to educate myself and expand my horizons.


Yes it was a complete accident that I found it. I had never even been much of an internet surfer when I found this forum. I didn't even totally understand what an online forum was. This is actually the only place I've ever been really active online. I've definitely been educated on here as well and there's no doubt in my mind that my life would have been completely different had I not found this community.


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## Shotha (Jan 10, 2019)

I'm gay, I've always been drawn to fat guys and I've always wanted to be fat. All of these things have a number of features in common.

1. They're invisible. People can see that I'm fat but there's nothing about me physically that says that I deliberately got fat and that I like being that was.

2. Traditionally, it's been assumed that no one is or should be like that. Many people still assume that homosexuality needs curing. People assume that your partner is fat, because you can't get anything better. People assume that being fat is some terrible accident frequently caused by lack of self-control.

3. It's assumed that we can't be happy with being gay or fat or having a fat partner and that, if we are, we shouldn't be.

4. People assume that all of these things need fixing.

My first step towards self-acceptance was finding out that there were other gay people and hearing scientific and ethical arguments that there was nothing wrong with being gay. That was the easy part, because back then (1960's) no one really talked about homosexuality.

The next step towards self-acceptance was hearing talk shows by Ricki Lake, which made it clear to me that there were other people, who were drawn to fat people. She convinced me that there was nothing wrong with finding fat people attractive and with having a fat partner.

Wanting to be fat was the last and most difficult part. Eventually, I found other people, who wanted to be fat and learned that they were called gainers. Again I heard arguments that it was just a natural phenomenon like being gay and that it was our choice whether we went with or fought against this inclination. This was the last of these three things that I decided to accept and make part of my life.

With each of these three issues there are a number of things, which help us to be self-accepting, self-assured, self-understanding and confident.

1. Learning of and meeting others makes self-acceptance easier. When we know that other find fat people attractive or that others like or want to be fat, it is reassuring to know that we are not alone.

2. Access to information about the issue from reliable sources. This can help reassure us that this is a biological issue and not a moral one. It can also help us to make better choices with the decisions, which life will present to us.

3. "Coming out". It's not just gay people, who come out. All of us come out all the time about all sorts of things. I found that being open about my preference for fat guys, stopped a lot of the sarcastic comments. It also meant that I no longer had to worry about be caught with a fat guy. Less worry is always a good thing. Coming out as a gainer was the hardest thing. In fact someone else outed we about this. At first I was angry about it but now I'm glad about it, because other people don't interfere in what is my business. Being honest and open about, who and what I am has made my life a lot more enjoyable and a lot easier.

4. Making use of this site and similar ones is always a great help, because your always in touch with other people of the same mindset. It's great to hear people talking about this on the TV and radio these days, because it makes others more accepting.

And finally, don't take on board all the negative things that other people say about your body. The only person who has a right to be critical about your body is you. And the only person who needs to be happy about your body is you.


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## Marshmallow Minotaur (Feb 12, 2019)

fat hiker said:


> Part of my route to self acceptance was finding images and stories of other fat guys to admire and see the beauty and good in - watching for other fat guys just going about their lives, seemingly accepting, and wanting to be that way too. I looked for guys my size or bigger who were dressed the way I wanted or better; were doing things I wanted to do; had friends and partners like the sort I wished for. Surrounding myself with images and thoughts of 'winning fat guys' instead of the thin fashion types that the advertising world wants us to pine for was a big part of starting my self-acceptance.
> 
> That, and dumping all thoughts of dieting. And seeing exercise as a way to be healthier, and to do more, not as a route to weight loss.



This describes my outlook to a t. I lift weights because I like being strong and having muscle. I see too many good looking confident fat guys to think there’s anything wrong with being fat. I’m no longer going to try to be someone I’m not. When I lose weight I look like crap. I’m a fat guy, I’m a fairly good looking fat guy. I finally realize this and like myself as I am.


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## Shotha (Feb 13, 2019)

I think that it's very important for those of us, who have always had self-acceptance or have achieved self-acceptance, to let our self acceptance be seen by others. It helps others to realize that self-acceptance is possible for us fat people.


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## escapist (Feb 22, 2019)

Screw acceptance and demand responsibility for yourself. I type 2 Diabetic with a whole lot of other problems. I will admit there is a way to stay big and not lose the weight or at least lose it very slowly and that is a Ketogenic Diet. The problem is to stay huge you're going to have to walk a very fine line with the calorie intake, carbohydrate intake, and insulin. I did it for years. I was as much as 550 lbs and still able to keep my blood sugar below 120 (most the time) without insulin. It is still VERY taxing on your body. A friend of mine just died of pancreatic cancer and let me tell you he was dead within days of finding out it was failing. Your internal organs are under a lot of stress from both the weight, body fat, and high blood sugar not to mention whatever other issues you have going on. Besides a ketogenic diet (aka no sugar, grains etc) you would also need to exercise 20 minutes or so after eating. HIIT cardo and weight lifting are a great way to eat up that higher glucose level after having a meal. I have lost a ton I'm down to 405 as of yesterday but I also spent the last 2 months just enjoying myself at this size. I reduced the cardo from 1 hour to 20-30 minutes and the lifting to 1 hour 1-2x per week. I am lucky and the love of my life is bi-sizual she has both a muscle and fat fetish. She misses the belly but loves the muscle. Do lots of research for yourself learn how to filter the junk from the actual science and the crap science from real science. Good luck


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