# Are complements okay in todays age



## bubba350 (Dec 5, 2018)

Do you wish to be complemented on your apperance . Not a come on just a genuine complement.
As a fat guy when I see a pretty BBW I know the effort and cost it takes to do this.
In todays me to movement would this be appropriate.


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## abzu (Dec 5, 2018)

I operate within an older cultural paradigm which I have tailored to suit my individual needs. I ignore or actively resist those who attempt to socially engineer behavioral norms that conflict with biological reality. That being said, I only complement women or comment on their appearance when they are purposefully placing themselves on display in hopes of receiving positive reinforcement (Such as the images posted on this site for either commercial purposes, or positive reinforcement from other forum members) or, if I have privately established a certain rapport, or intimate relationship with a woman. It has never been wise to approach complete strangers, or co-workers who seem to be just going about their business and offer unsolicited assessments of their faces or bodies. This isn't a recent development. 

People are confused about this sort of thing in general. It's one of several reasons why so many complete strangers seem to feel that I long to be approached and assessed regarding my size or occasionally obvious health issues.


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## Funtastic curves (Dec 6, 2018)

Compliments are kind, are friendly, are welcomed. I for one give them almost everyday. 

A genuine compliment can be taken by most believing there was nothing behind the compliment but a few kind words. 

While there may be a few attentions grabbers out in the world looking for approval via compliments. they shouldn't deter one away from giving a compliment when a person has caught your eye. You never know how much it could brighten up a person's day. 

Women no matter their size welcome them until they become creepy or uncomfortable.


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## agouderia (Dec 6, 2018)

Funtastic curves said:


> Women no matter their size welcome them until they become creepy or uncomfortable.



This is the point.

Not to be cynical - but in these references to the MeToo debate - I always wonder whether men really are this simplistic or many are only asking for general absolution of bad behavior.

Because all that is needed is basic politeness in social interaction - which hinges on situation and how well acquainted you are with your counterpart. Rule of thumb is - would you say the same thing to a guy in the given situation? If you would do that - it's okay.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Dec 6, 2018)

I'm with Agouderia: context and -- _especially_ -- acquaintance determine the appropriateness of comments on appearance. The general rule I follow is that I can tell any woman that her dress or hairdo is becoming; I can tell a friend that she looks pretty (in general); and specific compliments about her body or parts thereof I save for my wife.


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## Mark02 (Dec 7, 2018)

Complements are a gateway for flirting... so you always have to think ahead about ramifications. Is the girl an attention whore? Will she blab to everyone about what transpired? Or maybe it's just innocent fun between two adults. Oh, and is she involved or married?


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## SSBHM (Dec 7, 2018)

This is an interesting question. I wonder if times are such that there is less conversation overall and therefore less verbal intimacy. What I mean is it seems so many people text instead of call, and dating is even passe rather than hanging out. Maybe its just me or my frame of reference, but yeah, lately it seems harder to approach a stranger and often anyone to give them a compliment. 

There is still as stigma to complimenting something that isn't in the social mainstream too. I mean comments about what a skinny guy or girl is wearing that is something eye catching isn't thought of as a direct compliment, well at least I don't see it taken as such coming from me. Yet, if I made a compliment in ear-shot of a group or the public in general to someone big and plump or outright fat about how much I liked how they look, there would or could likely be some sort of negative fall out (sneering, laughing, or even some manner of disgust).

What to do? I find myself not saying much anymore to someone I don't know, or to someone if others are around. Yeah, I still find plump and fat figures appealing, and I think there are good and bad days in how people present themselves, but I can't help but to think that with all the acceptance bravado we've regressed in being as outwardly expressive about uncommonly socially acceptable people issues. Really kind of sad to say I think that.


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## Shotha (Dec 8, 2018)

The acceptability of compliments seems to vary according to context. It's more acceptable to give a woman a compliment in some cultures than others. Social circumstances seem to make compliments more acceptable in certain circumstances. For example, I don't have to worry about how I compliment a women, in contexts where people know that I'm gay. It means that the compliment doesn't get misinterpreted as flirtation. It's also easier, when I'm with other gay men, especially other FA gay men. I get lots of comments about my smile and about my belly. It's a shame that we can't freely make kind comments any more but that's the price that we have to pay for objectifying women.


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## FlabbyFrank (Dec 9, 2018)

Depends on the situation.

If I see a plump woman at a Walmart wearing g a crop top shirt and a belly button ring, I think it is OK to compliment her on and maybe ask to feel her tummy she must want the attention.

No for co-workers and customers


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## wafflecone (Dec 9, 2018)

Speaking as a young person who really doesn’t like being approached in public because it always gets weird, I think genuine, polite compliments to strangers are fine. I have strangers compliment my outfits or my hair all the time and think it’s nice.It only gets weird if they try and parlay that into an unwanted conversation when I’m clearly busy/signaling that I don’t want to be social, or when they try to ask me out immediately afterward. That’s when things get uncomfortable.

A really simple rule of thumb I like to follow is, if it’s something they can’t change about themselves, don’t mention it. Hair, clothes, shoes, makeup, jewelry, accessories—those are fair game, in large part because those are things that person chose to wear/put on. You’re complimenting their taste vs. their body, and treating them like a person instead of an object. Walking up to a stranger and talking about their body—something they have a lot less control over—is when comments start to feel rude and uncomfortable. The other rule mentioned above (if you wouldn’t say it to another guy, don’t say it) is also pretty solid to go off. I would also say not complimenting people in situations where they might feel trapped (while they’re at work, for example) is good. 

In short: just be polite and approach people with kindness and without ulterior motives.


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## FlabbyFrank (Dec 9, 2018)

Something like m
Nice (__*__) is too forward even to a bubble but broad wearing Daisy dukes at Walmart.

Complimenting something like a belly button ring is fine or an article of clothing
... Like I like your jacket or your tattoo , bracelet, etc.

Shoes are iffy

The old line

Nice shoes wanna **** is too cliche


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## loopytheone (Dec 10, 2018)

It depends on context, like people have said here. Even the most innocuous of compliments can sound creepy/threatening if said by a guy that is openly leering at you. My general advice would be not to randomly approach and try and talk to strangers unless they are in a social setting. Talking to a stranger at a bar or a sports club or art class is all fine, but people generally don't like being approached in the street or on the bus etc etc. 

Generally speaking, save compliments for friends and acquaintances and don't, like, yell them at strangers in public.


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## agouderia (Dec 10, 2018)

Shotha said:


> It's a shame that we can't freely make kind comments any more but that's the price that we have to pay for objectifying women.



This is in essence what it boils down to.

From a psychological point of view, it also makes me extremely vary of all those demanding the free right to "complement" anything - mainly meaning any woman - they want to. Because by complementing someone else, you establish yourself in the communicatively superior position - you are the one who is assessing the value of something. 

If the person complemented is not comfortable with your assessment, he/she will immediately feel inferior. Not least because by commenting on something very personal like looks and bodies - it is no less than an invasion of that person's most private zone. 
Nobody wants or deserves that.


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Dec 10, 2018)

bubba350 said:


> Do you wish to be complemented on your apperance . Not a come on just a genuine complement.
> As a fat guy when I see a pretty BBW I know the effort and cost it takes to do this.
> In todays me to movement would this be appropriate.



It depends on the situation, totally.

But sure. 

Sometimes they just know, too.

Was at the supermarket yesterday and saw the cutest cutest lady at the checkout with a lovely black dress. I was done shopping anyway but I rushed to get behind her so maybe I could strike up a conversation and..who knows where it might lead? (I'm single and dating.)  We had a nice conversation, both very animated, the checkout person joining in, and I looked for a ring on her finger. There was one. Ah, nuts...but she knew, all right...I didn't have to say "I love your dress." She got the message, her face just lit up and so did mine. 

A compliment, sincerely given, is welcome in my experience. You can make someone's day. By the same token, it can be icky as hell. 

I think you have to practice but you also have to screw up sometimes and feel like a dork. I tell women sometimes "I am clumsy and awkward and sometimes I don't know what to say from time to time." Not Mr. Slick! But I try me best.


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Dec 10, 2018)

PS Worst encounter -

Telling someone "You're beautiful!" and the response comes: "I know."

You feel like vaccum-cleaning the compliment back into yourself.


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## tmur (Dec 10, 2018)

I ran an office for many years and early on complimented a female employee for her specifically professional outfit due to a client visit. I learned later that the employees "uncomplimented" were quite disappointed.

I agree with wafflecone, make any compliment 'non-appearance" related.


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## DragonFly (Dec 11, 2018)

FlabbyFrank said:


> Depends on the situation.
> 
> If I see a plump woman at a Walmart wearing g a crop top shirt and a belly button ring, I think it is OK to compliment her on and maybe ask to feel her tummy she must want the attention.
> 
> No for co-workers and customers


Dude, clothes do not mean consent. Let’s get that understanding right now. Just because I wear what I want does not mean I want anyone’s hands on me. Thank you very much


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## AmyJo1976 (Dec 11, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> Dude, clothes do not mean consent. Let’s get that understanding right now. Just because I wear what I want does not mean I want anyone’s hands on me. Thank you very much


Totally agree with this!


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## Shotha (Dec 11, 2018)

agouderia said:


> Because by complementing someone else, you establish yourself in the communicatively superior position - you are the one who is assessing the value of something.



I have to say that I agree with that. We pay compliments to gain an advantage. It puts us in a superior position to our interlocutor. We are being presumptuous enough to pass judgment on them. I'm starting to think that a compliment might be nothing more than an inverted insult. It is a very insulting thing to stand in judgment over someone else.


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## Shotha (Dec 12, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> Dude, clothes do not mean consent. Let’s get that understanding right now. Just because I wear what I want does not mean I want anyone’s hands on me. Thank you very much



I totally agree with this, too.


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## FlabbyFrank (Dec 12, 2018)

It is a touchy area but something innocent and soncere should be okay.


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## agouderia (Dec 12, 2018)

FlabbyFrank said:


> It is a touchy area but something innocent and soncere should be okay.



Someone who knows you will most likely interpret even an awkward compliment as something well-meant - yes.

But a total stranger - how on earth are they supposed to instantly differentiate between innocent&sincere and creepy with someone they have never met before?

People are not mind readers - on the contrary, they are biogically wired to be sceptical regarding unknown things. Expecting instant success when acting against ingrained patterns is plain unrealistic.


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## Tad (Dec 12, 2018)

For what it is worth, I occasionally compliment strangers, and generally get pleased reactions. But IIeould honestly appreciate feedback on what I describe below -- I may not be as good at this as I think I am.

But I'm careful about who I compliment, what I compliment, when/where I compliment, and how I compliment. I decide against doing it more often than I do it, and possibly pass up opportunity to brighten someone's day a lot, but hopefully avoid being too creepy or intrusive most of the time?

First of all, on the who/what/when, I avoid people/situations where their being being hit on is likely. The odds of a compliment being taken as just a compliment are just too low. And I avoid situations where there is already a strong implied power imbalance (except for what is part of that relationship -- complimenting your server at a restaurant for the servuce or ambience is ok I think, although tips may speak louder). And i am more apt to take the chance on giving compliments to people i think may get ignored often (such as older people)

As suggested by others, I try to compliment something in their control, so that essentially it is a compliment to their taste. And only when I sincerely do like it. And more likely if it is something that is a bit out of the ordinary (they took a chance on it).

And I try to phrase it in a way that isn't passing judgement from on high, but is a personal response. Voice tone and body language are important there too (part of why I try to stick to genuine compliments).

Putting it all together, walking along the street, passing a woman around my age waiting for a bus, I think it is OK to say "Oh my god, I love the foxes on your leggings, they look so cool." And then carry on. Or between games of a nerdy card game tournament, to the woman I have been playing "Is that a model of a molecule on your necklace? That is so fantastic!" Or in a random sidewalk encounter "Your dog is so well behaved, and such a cutie."


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## agouderia (Dec 13, 2018)

Tad - all the examples you give have one thing in common: They have humor. 
Obvious humor gives everything a positive spin - and it originates in and addresses the intellectual brain, not the abdominal brain. 
The vast majority of women is simply fed up with assessments purely from the abdominal brain - like inches of hips or breasts. Inversely, they will respond positively to any advances that suggest their counterpart knows how to use his brain and also respects they have one, too.


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## Lastminute.Tom (Dec 14, 2018)

LarryTheNoodleGuy said:


> Telling someone "You're beautiful!" and the response comes: "I know."



come on dude, we're not entitled to a thank you just because we compliment someone on their appearance, I respect the person that gave that reply so much and you should too because now we get to become better people.

I know some of our parents or peers probably taught us that its just a given to compliment a woman on her appearance as a social nicety, but we now get to evolve our own social niceties, maybe ask, "Would it make you uncomfortable if I complimented you on your appearance?" that's almost a compliment but it also shows you care about the other persons right to consent.

It took at least a year before my partner wouldn't squirm if I called her beautiful, (I still squirm if someone compliments me) I don't know if you ever got teased or bullied because of your appearance but in order to "take" a compliment you have to be comfortable enough in your own skin otherwise it can come across as a taunt, I know it's not meant as that but we have to take responsibility for how our words are received not just how they are said.


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## FlabbyFrank (Dec 14, 2018)

The key thing is how it is said, it can across as creepy or sincere


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## grasso (Dec 15, 2018)

me to so very difficult to compliament a large man or women when you dont wish to appear rude or insulting


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Dec 15, 2018)

Lastminute.Tom said:


> come on dude, we're not entitled to a thank you just because we compliment someone on their appearance, I respect the person that gave that reply so much and you should too because now we get to become better people.



First, don't "Should" on me. I am entitled to my point of view and you are entitled to yours. 

Second, I'm not a "Dude." I don't walk around in city slicker clothes into towns in the old west. I'm not a "Bruh" or a "bro," either, k?


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD (Dec 15, 2018)

I love compliments!What is wrong with telling someone you find them attractive,cute,pretty or adorable?I am so glad I’m not 18 anymore...


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## Shotha (Dec 15, 2018)

When someone makes a comment about me being fat, I reply, "Oh, thank you. That's such a sweet thing to say." As I'm a gainer and like being fat, it just seems to me to be the logical thing to say, but it makes some people look so confused.


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## BigElectricKat (Dec 21, 2018)

In 2019 and the coming years, it will be totally unacceptable to compliment anyone for anything. So, don't compliment your boss or coworkers. Do not compliment the cashier at the grocery store or the guy who dries your car at the car wash. Please do not compliment your teacher, bus driver, taxi or Uber driver, nor the police or firefighter that you run into. Make sure to keep your compliments to yourself when dealing with any cooks or servers in restaurants. And never, ever compliment your children, spouse, or significant other. _However, it is completely fine to berate all such persons at the slightest infraction._

This is all being brought to you in the name of *SARCASM*. Thank you and have a nice day, you wonderful person.


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## Starling (Mar 1, 2019)

An easy rule of thumb for “compliments” - are you genuinely complimenting a choice he or she has made, or are you just telling them you find them attractive and assuming they should be flattered by that?

For me, compliments include “that lipstick really brings out your eyes” (thanks, I slapped it on for that express purpose); “love the color of your hair” (it’s a clearly not natural platinum blonde that I spend a lot of money on), “cute shoes!” (I only trampled three other chicks to get them on Black Friday).

Things that are not compliments- “aren’t you the cutest little thing I’ve seen?” (I don’t know or care where I rank in things you’ve seen), “you’re gorgeous” (again, that’s your preference and I don’t really care either way if you’re attracted to me so no need to share).


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## Starling (Mar 1, 2019)

Obvious exception being my husband, who I very much want to find me attractive. But I really am not interested in hearing anything about how other guys may or may not be finding me sexually interesting.


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## Shotha (Mar 2, 2019)

Starling said:


> Things that are not compliments- “aren’t you the cutest little thing I’ve seen?” (I don’t know or care where I rank in things you’ve seen), “you’re gorgeous” (again, that’s your preference and I don’t really care either way if you’re attracted to me so no need to share).



This gives me an interesting thought. Many posts in this thread seem to be saying the same thing. If someone is saying something that is appropriate about a choice one has made, it's a compliment and is acceptable. If it's about something that you can't change or is about whether or not you find the person attractive, then it's not OK. This seems to boil down to the difference between a compliment and flattery. A compliment is given to make someone feel good; flattery is done to make you feel good. A compliment is about giving; flattery is about taking. A compliment is about what the other person has achieved; flattery is about what you want to achieve. If it's appropriate, it's a compliment; if it's not, it's flattery.


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## Starling (Mar 2, 2019)

Yeah, absolutely. Particularly from men, a lot of compliments are them low key saying “I’d have sex with you given the opportunity.” Which....why do you need to share? For one, it’s not gonna happen. For two, you’re probably the eighth guy who has given a cute girl unsolicited feedback on her appearance that day, so get in line.

When I was a promo girl guys would come over and make comments on my appearance like I’m supposed to be appreciative they deigned to notice. Whenever some guy would trot out “you’re stunning” like I was supposed to be flattered, I’d just say “I’m not getting paid $30 an hour to stand around in a mini skirt because people think I’m ugly”. It was funny how quickly I became “not that hot” or “not hot enough for that attitude” to guys who’d been slobbering over me moments before.


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## Shotha (Mar 2, 2019)

Starling said:


> Particularly from men, a lot of compliments are them low key saying “I’d have sex with you given the opportunity.”



I think that's because those are not compliments but flattery. I have to admit that some men can be particularly bad at flattering rather than complimenting.


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## Volt01 (Mar 24, 2019)

i mean i wouldn't dare in my town cause people are offended by everything.


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## LouisJoseph57 (Mar 25, 2019)

Yes they are and so is politeness. Like words and phrases; like: thank you, please, you're wel-come, pardon/excuse me, etc, etc.......


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