# Fat sex with a non-FA



## Gingembre (Jan 24, 2012)

So...I've recently started dating a guy who I am VERY enthusiastic about. It's early days, and I don't want to jinx it, but so far it's been rather, well, perfect. He's really into me, this I do understand/believe, but while he's dated chubby-ish girls before, I'm pretty..._very_...sure I'm his first fatty. I don't think he really sees me as fat, to be honest, weird as that might sound. He thinks "fat" is a horrible word and won't use it to describe me, even though I've told him it's just an appropriate adjective, which doesnt offend me, and I think he only has a problem with it because of the negative connotations attached (something he denies). He once told me I'm not fat, his sister-in-law is fat...now, thanks to facebook, I have determined that, while I'm a pear-shape with a definite waist, SIL is much more apple/big all over...I also think I dress better than SIL but, while she is undoubtedly bigger on top that me, I'd wager that we probably wear similar sized jeans. See what I mean? It's weird, to me anyway.

Now, he's spent time with me clothed and he's seen photographic evidence of my nekkid cleavage and my ass (!) but we haven't got naked together yet (mostly due to our current living situations). There's quite a high chance that this will happen in a couple of weeks time (I'm housesitting!) and, as much as I want to jump his bones, I am terrified! He says I'm beautiful and sexy, but all the bits I don't like about myself physically (legs, upper arms, stomach - especially the belly hang) are all bits he hasn't seen. Usually I wouldn't be particularly nervous because I'd assume the guy knew what he was getting in for, but I'm not sure my current beau does. 

For example, in texts late at night (!!), he's mentioned me being on top, which is fine, but I don't think he realises that my belly is going to stop him seeing certains things he's mentioned being able to see in this position. He's also mentioned picking me up to take me against a wall (my legs round his waist kinda thing), but there's no denying that I am far too heavy for that. I've told him this, in a "haha, sounds hot, but you do understand it'll be physically impossible for you to lift me that high and hold me there?!" kinda way but I think he just thinks it's me having low selfesteem.

So, lovely (ss)bbws of Dims - HELP! I think I'm gonna have to be the ideas person and have alternatives at hand when he realises some of his usual tricks won't work. I'm terrified he's gonna see those bits of me and it's gonna click that, actually, I _am_ fat and then he's not going to find me attractive anymore (although, realistically, I know that is probably more likely to be a problem in my head than in reality...I hope!). I'm worried its going to end up being an awkward and embarassing situation for both parties and I don't want that because I really really like this guy! Argh!

All advice/anecdotes/empathy welcome, although I am primarily looking for responses from women who may have been in a similar situation. I thank you.


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## Jeeshcristina (Jan 24, 2012)

First off, Congrats! 

I've been in this situation before. I'm pretty sure that we make it much worse in our minds than it is. I'm still uncomfortable with my arms and my belly, like a lot of girls, so I relate to you, but honestly, he sounds like he really likes you, and he's going to be so happy just to get you in bed, that he's not going to care what position he can get you in! I dated a guy once that didn't normally date larger women, and while I was nervous about being on top too, it ended up being his favorite. Still, I know that feeling in the pit of your stomach, where you just want to be accepted. We don't look like (most) porn stars, and sometimes that hits our confidence. Still, just know that he has a pretty good idea about how you look naked, even with the clothes on. Be confident, he obviously wants to get naked with you!

Also, legs over his shoulders works like a charm everytime. And the view is great, I hear. 

Good luck, and have fun!!


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## LovelyLiz (Jan 24, 2012)

I want to second Jeesh's post and say, Yay! for you. 

My bf is not an FA, and this was definitely something (especially in the beginning) that I had to worth through on my own, and in many conversations with him, especially as it related to reassurance of his physical attraction to my body and how that all worked out in practice. But I will say, it has worked out, well.  

One difference for me is that he didn't have anything really against the word "fat" and was really open to there being beauty in all kinds of bodies. I think a lot of this had to do with him having delved into quite a bit of feminism and deconstructing a lot of culturally f*cked up notions of female beauty. But for me, the question still remained of...well, yes, that's great that intellectually and in your heart you want women to be empowered and don't want to contribute to false and oppressive social narratives, but that doesn't necessarily translate into real physical and sexual attraction to all kinds of bodies on a personal level, right? So I still definitely relate to the fears and worries about the true realities of a fat woman's body - especially if all previous girlfriends of his have been not fat.

All that being said...here are a few thoughts/advice/encouragements/whatnot. These are all probably super obvious, but figure I'll say them anyway!

-I think it's great that you're being honest with him about your feelings and laying it out there when he suggests some kind of sexual position that just wouldn't work. And doing that in the moment, and with humor, is I think the way to go. (This isn't easy, because I know it brings up fears that he will get frustrated he can't do everything he could do with a thin girl - but just having fun and enjoying the experience is what makes it great; moreso than whether every specific position could be employed.)
-Keep on growing in all the non-sexual connections you guys have. The more he sees your awesomeness in all kinds of other ways, the more he will be super happy just to be able to enjoy physical intimacy with YOU.
-When it feels right, share some of your fears with him. I remember telling my bf within the first couple months of our relationship that because he was thin, and because his other gfs had been thin/average, that my body might seem to him to be alien and freakish. It was good to talk with him about these fears, and for him to be able to reassure me and just to know more of my experiences in that area and how that frames how I think about things.

This is super long-winded. Anyway, the bottom line is, any guy worth being with is going to accept and love and enjoy you as you are. I understand the fear, too, and just remember that whatever happens with this guy (and I hope it goes really well!) doesn't change the bottom line of you being a sexy, fine, supa fly woman.

Plus, a friend of mine once said that straight guys are just overjoyed at any girl who's willing to be naked with them, they're not really sitting there being critical. And I think that's true.


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## butch (Jan 24, 2012)

Don't forget, there may be things that you two can do that are hard/impossible to do when both partners are thin, and that might be an unexpected turn-on for him. Don't underestimate the pleasure that a soft, warm, thick, smooth body can bring to a person.


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## Gingembre (Jan 24, 2012)

Thank you all for your postive and helpful responses so far. Mcbeth - I did actually think of you when I was writing all that, I wondered if you'd felt similar. And yes, a lot of it is obvious, but it's good to read it nonetheless. 

I'm never normally worried about things like this, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I think partly I'm just waiting for the catch - everything's been so good thus far, I'm worried this will be the downfall!


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## Gingembre (Jan 24, 2012)

butch said:


> Don't forget, there may be things that you two can do that are hard/impossible to do when both partners are thin, and that might be an unexpected turn-on for him. Don't underestimate the pleasure that a soft, warm, thick, smooth body can bring to a person.



Ahh damn, I can't rep you again yet, but this is a very interesting point and one I hadn't considered. Thank you!


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## LovelyLiz (Jan 24, 2012)

You were thinking of me? I am so flattered! :wubu:

Sometimes I think fears of a relationship not working out just need something concrete to attach themselves to, just so we can feel more control or more groundedness or whatever. And not that these specific body fears aren't real or true (they totally are), but I think they sometimes can become a catch-all for all the fears of the relationship - and then feel weightier than they are. (ha ha, I'm so punny...) 

P.S. I also agree with butch's point, and my bf and I have both talked about the reality that every body type has its unique set of fun and enjoyable characteristics all its own.


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## WVMountainrear (Jan 24, 2012)

I always used to have this fear, and it never became reality. (Thank God.) Even if he hasn't seen you naked, he's seen you. He knows where you're thicker, and he has an idea of how your weight is distributed. And in looking back on dating/sexual experiences of mine, I have no doubt that being fat may have caused me to be rejected for a first date and not given a chance or to be immediately shuffled into the friend zone, but I think it's usually the sort of thing that manifests itself at the very beginning. He can see you, he knows what size you are, and he's attracted to you- doesn't so much matter if you're clothed or naked. If your size put him off, I'm sure it would have already been a problem for him.

And ditto to everything everyone else just said! Especially the congratulations. :happy:


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## SuzyQutsy (Jan 24, 2012)

My husband finds women with differing body shapes beautiful and he loves me. 

Really after the intitial chemical whoosh that happens when you initially feel attraction for someone, ultimately it will be the friendship, trust, respect that you build up for each other over time that are the true essence of love. 

You want to touch and be touched by your beloved, because who they are is beyond appearences and physical considerations and they become ever more precious to you . 

That doesn't mean I don't think my hubby is hot and vice versa, it just means that eventually what is hot about them becomes more about who they are and less about thier looks. I look at my husband and I see a beautiful man, this beautiful man is the image of my beloved, his beauty changes over time, his image ages like a photograph fading, and yet still the image is still the precious image of my beloved and I will look upon him with longing and love, long after his image has faded into the setting sun and is but a fading memory in my mind's eye.


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## Mishty (Jan 31, 2012)

I've recently decided to try man sex again, and it's been ohhh let's say a few years since I indulged, and I've never been more nervous because my only options are men that aren't FA's or even know what a BBW is. I've become so addicted to talking(online,phone far away fa's) to men that love what I love about my fat body(my belly,my fat on my hips etc) and had a girlfriend that enjoyed the same parts, that I'm almost nervous I don't have anything to offer someone that doesn't like those certain bits. 

Do men in general care if the lights are off, and would that even make a difference with a woman of a certain size.... And Ging, I know exactly what you mean about the things they say that aren't possible, like me on top and him seeing what he's mentioned seeing from that angle...

This thread has offered some great advice, but my nerves are shot.

Let us know how it goes Ging hotness! :happy:


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Feb 7, 2012)

I think it's super interesting as to what everyone has said and is saying because it's the exact same thought process. Especially the "steamy" texts and stuff like that. 

"Oh I can't wait to blow you, I want to get on my knees and . . . " "uhh, as much as I want that as well, you might get better access if I'm laying down, heh"

Sorry, I'm scurry back in to the shadows . . .


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## bigmac (Feb 8, 2012)

My ex was not a FFA. I met her during the thinnest phase of my adult life (I was wearing size 34 jeans the night we met). When my body returned to its more natural state she was not very appreciative. We still had sex till near the end but after I regained my weight her heart wasn't in it anymore. 

Thus I'm thinking that if a partner of fat person is not a FA//FFA the relationship is unlikely to survive. People can and will have sex with people they are not physically attracted to but such relationships don't have much future. Eventually the unattracted person will find someone more to their liking (even if that new person a useless crack addict -- but that's another story).


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## butch (Feb 8, 2012)

bigmac said:


> My ex was not a FFA. I met her during the thinnest phase of my adult life (I was wearing size 34 jeans the night we met). When my body returned to its more natural state she was not very appreciative. We still had sex till near the end but after I regained my weight her heart wasn't in it anymore.
> 
> Thus I'm thinking that if a partner of fat person is not a FA//FFA the relationship is unlikely to survive. People can and will have sex with people they are not physically attracted to but such relationships don't have much future. Eventually the unattracted person will find someone more to their liking (even if that new person a useless crack addict -- but that's another story).



mcbeth just posted in the BBW Confessions thread about her 1 year anniversary with a non-FA partner. Plenty of other women over the years have posted here about their non-FA lifetime partners, so I would think you are wrong. I am in a LTR with a thin partner, and I am primarily physcially attracted to fat people, so I know you are wrong. My attraction grows each day for my partner, and I know that the relationships that mcbeth and I have are not rare.

Sexuality is never that black or white, neither is love or partnership. I mentioned mcbeth's relationship because typically we're told that women are more 'fluid' in their attractions, and men are more hard-wired in what they like. There is always variation in nature, so of course some men, as well as women, will use criteria other than a hard-wired attraction to certain physical traits, to mate, to fall in love, to partner for life.

In other words, non-FAs and fat people can indeed have long-lasting relationships, and there are many examples of this both in and out of our fat positive community.


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## Aust99 (Feb 8, 2012)

Laura, update?


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## Gingembre (Feb 8, 2012)

Aust99 said:


> Laura, update?



Update is...things have slowed down a bit and we still haven't slept together yet because Mr is poorly.  He's had bad doses of flu/tonsilitis/bronchitis and several stress-related health problems (that from, what he's hinted at, might also be affecting his ability to...y'know...). So I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks but we are still in touch and, now he's started to feel a bit better, we're trying to find a time when he's not working so we can get together. I'm housesitting at the moment and trying to persuade him to come round for cuddles, coz I think we could both do with some! :doh:


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## Ruby Ripples (Feb 8, 2012)

bigmac said:


> My ex was not a FFA. I met her during the thinnest phase of my adult life (I was wearing size 34 jeans the night we met). When my body returned to its more natural state she was not very appreciative. We still had sex till near the end but after I regained my weight her heart wasn't in it anymore. /QUOTE]
> 
> But that is a totally different situation. That was a woman who clearly is turned off by a fat body. You met her when you were slim, and so she was attracted to you then. The women on this thread are already fat, and Gingembre's bf knows this and is still very attracted to her.


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## bigmac (Feb 8, 2012)

Ruby Ripples said:


> But that is a totally different situation. That was a woman who clearly is turned off by a fat body. You met her when you were slim, and so she was attracted to you then. The women on this thread are already fat, and Gingembre's bf knows this and is still very attracted to her.



If he's attracted to her fat body he's an FA regardless of whether or not he admits it.


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## penguin (Feb 8, 2012)

bigmac said:


> If he's attracted to her fat body he's an FA regardless of whether or not he admits it.



He may be attracted to her fat body because it's hers, and not because he's into fat bodies in general.


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## bigmac (Feb 9, 2012)

penguin said:


> He may be attracted to her fat body because it's hers, and not because he's into fat bodies in general.



Two things to consider: First, most people have a range of physical features they find attractive. Second, most people find it difficult to date outside their range.

Her fat body may be within his range (and I'm not just talking about weight). At the same time many other (if not most) fat girls may fall outside his range.

I'm an FA but I do find some smaller women attractive -- and some BBWs unattractive.


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## CleverBomb (Feb 9, 2012)

penguin said:


> He may be attracted to her fat body because it's hers, and not because he's into fat bodies in general.


Very true. Been there, done that -- it does work out, most of the time.

-Rusty


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## CastingPearls (Feb 9, 2012)

penguin said:


> He may be attracted to her fat body because it's hers, and not because he's into fat bodies in general.


This has actually been my experience (on the receiving end) a few times.


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## LovelyLiz (Feb 9, 2012)

CastingPearls said:


> This has actually been my experience (on the receiving end) a few times.



Exactly. 

Sometimes it feels like some of the men in this community push very hard for the idea that ONLY a card-carrying FA who only desires and has a strong/narrow preference for fat women will be able to sustain a mutually-satisfying physical relationship with a fat woman. That is simply not true, and the fat women certainly are NOT the ones benefiting from that crock getting passed off as fact.


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## Oirish (Feb 9, 2012)

I don't think you've got all too much to fret over. As you've said, this guy knows what you look like. Sure, you haven't been under the sheets with him yet but he definitely knows what you look like and he's interested. You say he's not an FA. No worries. I call myself an equal opportunist too and fine girls of all sorts of shapes and sizes attractive. Seems he's the same perhaps. I say you should just jump his bones like a maniac and make this boy YOUR FA!!!!! Show him how to treat a big girl right and he'll be hooked  Don't hold back. Be open about what you like and just go for it.


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## penguin (Feb 9, 2012)

bigmac said:


> Two things to consider: First, most people have a range of physical features they find attractive. Second, most people find it difficult to date outside their range.
> 
> Her fat body may be within his range (and I'm not just talking about weight). At the same time many other (if not most) fat girls may fall outside his range.
> 
> I'm an FA but I do find some smaller women attractive -- and some BBWs unattractive.



We all have our preferences, true, but that doesn't mean we won't ever find someone who doesn't have them attractive. I know that the more I come to know and like someone, the more beautiful they become to me.


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## CastingPearls (Feb 9, 2012)

penguin said:


> I know that the more I come to know and like someone, the more beautiful they become to me.



THIS too. :bow: :bow: :bow:


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## Tad (Feb 9, 2012)

If your partner focuses on what you ARE that IS attractive to them, 
things will go well.

If your partner focuses on what you AREN'T that IS attractive to them, or
if your partner focuses on what you ARE that ISN'T attractive to them,
then there will be problems.

There are of course always far more things that we are not than what we are, so those so inclined can always find things to regret or to snipe about. But any of us have so many good things too that I don't find it hard to understand all sorts of people coming together.

It is not that hard to find attractive things about most people, if you are so inclined. In the case of the lovely OP, I'm sure that most people would find many, many, things about her extremely attractive, whether or not they are an FA. I have no trouble imagining a non-FA finding her entirely bewitching, so long as he prefers to enjoy her many charms rather than concentrating on the fact that she isn't blonde, doesn't have a russian accent, or whatever else that he may sometimes appreciate that she happens not to be.

ETA: bother--forgot this was in the BBW board (was just reading from the new posts list). Didn't mean to intrude.


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## Gingembre (Feb 11, 2012)

Aust99 said:


> Laura, update?





Gingembre said:


> Update is...things have slowed down a bit and we still haven't slept together yet because Mr is poorly.  He's had bad doses of flu/tonsilitis/bronchitis and several stress-related health problems (that from, what he's hinted at, might also be affecting his ability to...y'know...). So I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks but we are still in touch and, now he's started to feel a bit better, we're trying to find a time when he's not working so we can get together. I'm housesitting at the moment and trying to persuade him to come round for cuddles, coz I think we could both do with some! :doh:



Scratch that. He doesn't want to see me anymore (bigmac - it's not weight-related). 
Although I'm disappointed, I understand why he doesn't feel he's in a place to be dating anyone at the moment. However, I'm devastated that, having told me he hoped I'd always be in his life as a friend if nothing else, he's decided he can't be friends with me either. Usually I'm good at taking a "his loss" point of view, but this time I really feel like it's my loss. 

Thanks for the advice anyway, I think it's still a useful topic to have discussed.


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## Aust99 (Feb 12, 2012)

Gingembre said:


> Scratch that. He doesn't want to see me anymore (bigmac - it's not weight-related).
> Although I'm disappointed, I understand why he doesn't feel he's in a place to be dating anyone at the moment. However, I'm devastated that, having told me he hoped I'd always be in his life as a friend if nothing else, he's decided he can't be friends with me either. Usually I'm good at taking a "his loss" point of view, but this time I really feel like it's my loss.
> 
> Thanks for the advice anyway, I think it's still a useful topic to have discussed.



Sorry to hear that Laura... It defiantly is a great topic though as I was going through a similar situation recently and was watching this thread for advice. I hope people still contribute relevant thoughts and advice. 



Oh and his loss for sure!!!:kiss2:


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Feb 13, 2012)

His loss is my GAIN!!!!


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## Gingembre (Feb 13, 2012)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> His loss is my GAIN!!!!



Hahaha! Oh Hozay, you know I'd totally put out for you! :wubu:


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## CastingPearls (Feb 13, 2012)

Gingembre said:


> I'm devastated that, having told me he hoped I'd always be in his life as a friend if nothing else, he's decided he can't be friends with me either. Usually I'm good at taking a "his loss" point of view, but this time I really feel like it's my loss.



This part especially I could really identify with.


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## LifeTraveller (Feb 13, 2012)

penguin said:


> We all have our preferences, true, but that doesn't mean we won't ever find someone who doesn't have them attractive. I know that the more I come to know and like someone, the more beautiful they become to me.



True words these are! It's been my experience as well. .


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## killaqueen (Apr 10, 2012)

I'm in the exact same situation....lol I have no clue on how to handle it! I try to tell him that I might be too big for him but he tells me to stop that I'm fine.


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## Gingembre (Apr 10, 2012)

killaqueen said:


> I'm in the exact same situation....lol I have no clue on how to handle it! I try to tell him that I might be too big for him but he tells me to stop that I'm fine.



One thing I know...there's no such thing as too big! You might be too heavy for him to carry you around or hold you against a wall, but where there's a will, there's definitely a way! And he sounds into you so, y'know, the will is there!


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## sarahreign (May 20, 2012)

Iv dated guys who like fat girls. Theres a HUGE difference. The FA knows all the cute fatty fun play type things and the fat talk etc...other fatishes that can go with being a fat girl...which i personally enjoy. The guy who likes fat chicks knows bothing about fatishes or fatty play or anything of the sort, which makes things extremely boring and kindof stressfull. I cant get off on having a guy who treats me like a skinny girl of sorts...like the things you mentioned about picking me up on a wall(yeah right try that with 345lbs of me) I know they like me for me, but ts just something too hard to explain unless youve experienced it. I want an FA only becaise we have more in common versus a regular guy who, well...dosent have the same....zest? I dont know what im getting at...


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## PlumBlossom (Jan 29, 2013)

sarahreign said:


> Iv dated guys who like fat girls. Theres a HUGE difference. The FA knows all the cute fatty fun play type things and the fat talk etc...other fatishes that can go with being a fat girl...which i personally enjoy. The guy who likes fat chicks knows bothing about fatishes or fatty play or anything of the sort, which makes things extremely boring and kindof stressfull. *I cant get off on having a guy who treats me like a skinny girl of sorts...like the things you mentioned about picking me up on a wall(yeah right try that with 345lbs of me)* I know they like me for me, but ts just something too hard to explain unless youve experienced it. I want an FA only becaise we have more in common versus a regular guy who, well...dosent have the same....zest? I dont know what im getting at...



That sounds just like my boyfriend who's a non-FA. Whenever we communicate about sex, he mentions things like that. Even though I'm 330lbs or so, he mentions things like what you said, like fantasizing about "me" being picked up against a wall or about me bending in flexible ways that only skinny girls can do. I sometimes struggle to believe that he's actually thinking about "me" when he's thinking of things that only a skinny girl can do. Like him wanting me to sit on his lap, I could only do that if I was skinny but I do appreciate that he doesn't discriminate against me at least but still, I feel bad when he mentions wanting me to do some crazy bending flexible thing (that only a skinny girl could possibly do) and I think,"I can't do that, I'm fat." it makes me feel down and like I'm not good enough. I know it's not his intention to hurt me but I feel very inadequate.


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## 1love_emily (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm sorry for Gingembre for being dumped. I was there recently and it sucks.
But this thread is heaven sent, as I'm going on dates with a boy who isn't an FA and it terrifies me!


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## Marie Bombshell (Feb 27, 2013)

Girl You gotta be confident. I dated someone who was never with anyone as big as I am. Honestly I didn't feel 100% comfortable being naked in front of him. We never spoke about the issue, he would always say I'm hot, pretty, etc. Our relationship ended after 4 years but due to a complete different issue. if he has a problem with you body at intimate moments. there are plenty of amazing guys out there that love big gals.


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## KittyKitten (Feb 28, 2013)

bigmac said:


> If he's attracted to her fat body he's an FA regardless of whether or not he admits it.



I've had a few guys tell me they are not usually attracted to larger women, but I believe if a woman carries her weight well, owns her weight, then these types of men are attracted to her. It's hard to explain but many fat women just carry their weight in a wonderful way that enhances their beauty. Some may call it "acceptable fat". I strongly disagree with the notion that men are less fluid with looks. Men can find all sorts of women attractive. On the other hand, there are so many women that only want a man who is over six feet tall, with an athletic build. Women can be fixed with their standards.


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## ecogeek (Mar 1, 2013)

PlumBlossom said:


> I sometimes struggle to believe that he's actually thinking about "me" when he's thinking of things that only a skinny girl can do. Like him wanting me to sit on his lap, I could only do that if I was skinny but I do appreciate that he doesn't discriminate against me at least but still, I feel bad when he mentions wanting me to do some crazy bending flexible thing (that only a skinny girl could possibly do) and I think,"I can't do that, I'm fat." it makes me feel down and like I'm not good enough. I know it's not his intention to hurt me but I feel very inadequate.



I have never seen this summarised in a way that actually makes so much sense to me before. I have been looking for a way to explain to my closest friends how I felt with my ex, but it never came out right. THIS was the entirety of an eight year relationship for me. I know that he saw that I was fat, he constantly made comments about how I needed to change, but I swear in bed he must of just thought I was someone else. I know everyone says he must have been an FA, but I think in some situations you can really love a person for who they are and not what they are... (let's face it, I am awesome...)

There are night and day differences between how an FA treats you and how a non-FA treats you and we ladies can see the difference.


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## mlkegbrat (Mar 21, 2013)

This is from a man's perspective. (I've been married 20 years to a heavy woman.)

If a man sees you in person, and knows how big you are, and still wants you to be on top, that means he fantasizes about it and would like it. Depending on just how big you are, simply warn him that he might feel uncomfortable or smothered and offer to get off, if he shows signs of distress.

Have confidence in yourself. If he requests something that means he likes it. It doesn't mean he's thinking about a skinny woman.

If he thinks he can pick you up, let him try. He might be able to. Some men are stronger than they look. Again, just warn him that he might hurt himself.


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## PlumBlossom (Mar 24, 2013)

mlkegbrat said:


> This is from a man's perspective. (I've been married 20 years to a heavy woman.)
> 
> If a man sees you in person, and knows how big you are, and still wants you to be on top, that means he fantasizes about it and would like it. Depending on just how big you are, simply warn him that he might feel uncomfortable or smothered and offer to get off, if he shows signs of distress.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the encouraging comment.

I'm feeling depressed again today because as usual, I've been in a perverted mood and of course my boyfriend would rather do 1,000 other things than be intimate with me. How to arouse him, how to turn him on? It seems like skinny girls turn him on. *sigh* It's hard being in a relationship with a guy who just doesn't find you attractive.

A year ago, when he first mentioned that he wanted to see "me" in lingerie, I was confused at first because I never thought about wearing lingerie before (like I said, I'm around 5ft, 4in. and 300lbs yet with smallish boobs, ugh.). I never thought about wearing lingerie before until my boyfriend mentioned it. I got interested in the idea and he started posting photos of super models wearing lingerie which shot me down because how can I look like those models when I'm fat? And it's not the clothes but the skinny girl's bodies that turn him on, so how can I turn him on when I'm gigantic? It seemed like he got very aroused and excited looking at the skinny girls wearing lingerie and g-strings. Even though he would say that he wants to see ME in lingerie and g-strings, it's hard to believe him when I can see he gets excited/aroused because he's looking at the skinny girls wearing lingerie's and g-strings.

A year ago I sent him naked/underwear photos of myself and his reaction was, I guess nonexistent. How am I supposed to feel wanted when I can see him getting excited and aroused seeing skinny girls in lingerie and g-string and yet even when I try to wear lingerie for him, he has no reaction and it's just awkward? *sigh* I feel very depressed. Our relationship is perfect, our only problem is the intimacy. The sexual intimacy feels nonexistent. I often feel like I'm just a friend to him. I don't feel sexually desired in the least. *sigh*


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## superodalisque (Apr 1, 2013)

bigmac said:


> If he's attracted to her fat body he's an FA regardless of whether or not he admits it.



nah that isn't really true. i know and have dated guys who like lots of types of women and are not stuck on one set of features for sexual excitement. it depends on the person. some people might want certain things and some people appreciate lots of different things in a partner. it's like tastes in food , some people have limited tastes and some other people have more varied tastes. also not every man who prefers fat women would categorize himself as an FA or exhibit the kinds of interests found here on this site, if you are using that for a definition of an FA. but i think mainly in healthy relationships there is a point where someone is no longer only viewed as a body type and attraction goes way beyond that. i know that for me once i have an affection and respect for someone as a human being body type does not really play into it much at all. every body has it's own kind of sexy but no matter how sexy a body is to you if you don't like the person it won't do much for you after a certain point.


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## superodalisque (Apr 1, 2013)

PlumBlossom said:


> That sounds just like my boyfriend who's a non-FA. Whenever we communicate about sex, he mentions things like that. Even though I'm 330lbs or so, he mentions things like what you said, like fantasizing about "me" being picked up against a wall or about me bending in flexible ways that only skinny girls can do. I sometimes struggle to believe that he's actually thinking about "me" when he's thinking of things that only a skinny girl can do. Like him wanting me to sit on his lap, I could only do that if I was skinny but I do appreciate that he doesn't discriminate against me at least but still, I feel bad when he mentions wanting me to do some crazy bending flexible thing (that only a skinny girl could possibly do) and I think,"I can't do that, I'm fat." it makes me feel down and like I'm not good enough. I know it's not his intention to hurt me but I feel very inadequate.



hope it helps you to know that you can definitely sit on his lap. i always wondered what FAs were on about so i tried it myself and had one of my fat gfs sit on my lap who is probably 150lbs heavier than you are. it felt great! it's warm heavy pressure kind of like like a hug or huge massage. and when she got up there was a feeling of lightness like the opposite of the heaviness when you come out of a pool-- kind of a light floaty feeling almost a high. it was very pleasant. no small girl could create those feelings. i bet he'd become addicted to having you on his lap.


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## superodalisque (Apr 1, 2013)

i don't know if this helps but i think feeling sexy yourself makes a big difference. if a woman can't feel sexy sometimes her partner reacts to that. it might be that while you're so worried about how he's feeling he's thinking that you aren't really enjoying him. maybe it might help to manage to find a way to stop focusing on and caring about what thin girls can do or how they look and concentrate on the great things that only a fat woman can do and how only she can look. things might begin to feel better and make intimacy easier. 

fat women have a lot going for them especially tons of enveloping softness and warmth etc... which seemed to be a very big deal for the non FAs i've dated and had long termed relationships with. they couldn't seem shut up about it. that and the fact that i am a real lingerie nut because when i was growing up there was no pretty lingerie for fat women and absolutely no one can come spilling out of lingerie like we do. if you need inspiration take a look at what some of the web models who are into pretty lingerie wear and how they look or some of the sites that sell it. look particularly at the women who are shaped like you and what you think looks good and what doesn't and find something you'd like for yourself. there is more than one way to be beautiful and sexy but you do need to try and actually feel it. 

a lot of guys who aren't FAs find the idea that you are a big girl and you are still sexy even more sexy than the usual just because society makes it so unexpected. not to mention if you happen not to be obsessed about dieting and being thin and are not allergic to pleasure including food. so for them everything about you can be a really nice liberating surprise they can be introduced to if you actually like who you are. i was talking to a guy friend once who said he was initially interested in a big girl because he thought it would be exciting to finally be with a woman who didn't have a whole lot of hang ups about food and her body but got disappointed when he found out she had the same insecurities as all of the little dieting girls he'd been around.

it's also important to remember that not all guys who might be classed as FAs were born that way. some experience made them one. so just maybe there is a lot to like other than us trying to mirror what thin women can do


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## AuntHen (Apr 1, 2013)

PlumBlossom said:


> Thanks for the encouraging comment.
> 
> I'm feeling depressed again today because as usual, I've been in a perverted mood and of course my boyfriend would rather do 1,000 other things than be intimate with me. How to arouse him, how to turn him on? It seems like skinny girls turn him on. *sigh* It's hard being in a relationship with a guy who just doesn't find you attractive.
> 
> ...



I don't think you can really say your relationship is *perfect *if the intimacy is a *problem*. Maybe he isn't as attracted to a bigger figure or maybe he is more into just looking and fantasizing/masturbating over a certain body type/woman but if it is making you unhappy then the relationship is most likely going to be/become unhappy.

I would say (and I think most would agree) that physical imtimacy is a huge, important part of a relationship. It's a part of bonding and expression as well as pleasure/desire and release.

You need to see if he will sit down and honestly tell you what's up as it may cause you to harbor hurt and resentment and/or one or both of you to possibly seek sexual needs elsewhere...

Communicate. I wish you all the best


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## bigmac (Apr 3, 2013)

KittyKitten said:


> I've had a few guys tell me they are not usually attracted to larger women, but I believe if a woman carries her weight well, owns her weight, then these types of men are attracted to her. It's hard to explain but many fat women just carry their weight in a wonderful way that enhances their beauty. *Some may call it "acceptable fat".* I strongly disagree with the notion that men are less fluid with looks. *Men can find all sorts of women attractive.* On the other hand, there are so many women that only want a man who is over six feet tall, with an athletic build. Women can be fixed with their standards.



I'll agree on both points -- sort of. I've met lots of guys who'll date slightly to moderately fat women as long as she carries it very well. I don't consider these guys FAs -- their range isn't focused on fat women -- it just extends a bit into the fat woman range.

And men can indeed find a wide variety of women attractive. However, I'm thinking what's more important is who a guy actually dates. I've met lots of thin women I've found attractive -- however, I never actually ended up dating any of them.


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## superodalisque (Apr 3, 2013)

bigmac said:


> I'll agree on both points -- sort of. I've met lots of guys who'll date slightly to moderately fat women as long as she carries it very well. I don't consider these guys FAs -- their range isn't focused on fat women -- it just extends a bit into the fat woman range.
> 
> And men can indeed find a wide variety of women attractive. However, I'm thinking what's more important is who a guy actually dates. I've met lots of thin women I've found attractive -- however, I never actually ended up dating any of them.



i respect your opinion but this is still kinda a narrow dims kind of view of attraction. in the real world i do know men who date anybody from tiny to super size. so no, they don't just limit themselves to women who are just an little fat or who "carry it well" whatever that means. that is what i call an FA myth. i think it's a fantasy for some guys to believe that but i can tell you as a supersized woman it's just not true.


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## LifeTraveller (Apr 4, 2013)

superodalisque said:


> in the real world i do know men who date anybody from tiny to super size. so no, they don't just limit themselves to women who are just an little fat or who "carry it well" whatever that means. that is what i call an FA myth. i think it's a fantasy for some guys to believe that but i can tell you as a supersized woman it's just not true.



Well said! I do believe there are men who are open to dating women of all sizes, few though they may be. In my younger "dating" days I was very open about who I would date. . as much so as possible, in a "small town" setting, and was fortunate enough to do so. I knew of my personal preferences in women, but an opportunity to share time with someone who has captured your interest, has something to say, and is willing to share not only conversation, but laughter with you. . should never be hindered.

I'm not one who discusses their sexual encounters, it's just something I consider personal for myself. I do know being with someone who stimulates you both physically and mentally. . is so very wonderful. .


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## EvilPrincess (Apr 6, 2013)

This is the BBW Forum and as such is a protected forum. While at times non BBW participation is beneficial and supported, it is not always the objective of the forum. This thread is one of the older ones and was brought back up by a newer member. Please remember the forum rules, or if in doubt please read the sticky at the top of the first page. 

Regards EP


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## BigCutieLaurel (Sep 26, 2013)

I realise this topic is kind of old, but I think I have a unique perspective. I'm a BBW married to a non-FA skinny guy. We've been together for almost 5 years and are so in love. But I honestly feel that we are the exception to the rule and we worked hard to be in a good place in our relationship. Our main hurdle was me and my perception of myself and the misguided notion I had that I wasn't good enough for him because I'm fat. I wouldn't have sex with the lights on and I became super paranoid. If he was tired and didn't want to have sex, it was because I was fat. If it took him longer than normal to 'finish', it was because I was fat. I kept doubting myself and got more and more depressed. It took me a while to figure out that I was projecting my own issues onto him. I realised that I've struggled with my weight half my life and it probably wans't going to change. I need to love myself the way I am. And I do now, and our relationship has never been better. 

I think the main obstacle in a relationship between a BBW and a non-FA isn't the guys lack of inclination generally towards bigger gals, because when it comes to relationships I think it's truly how you feel about someone emotionally that makes someone beautiful and sexy at the end of the day. I think the biggest obstacle is a BBWs disbelief that a non-FA could find them attractive, and that is SO wrong. Love yourself, exude confidence and trust in their ability to appreciate your awesomeness. 

Anyways, that's my two cents.


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## 1love_emily (Sep 27, 2013)

Tahlia said:


> I realise this topic is kind of old, but I think I have a unique perspective. I'm a BBW married to a non-FA skinny guy. We've been together for almost 5 years and are so in love. But I honestly feel that we are the exception to the rule and we worked hard to be in a good place in our relationship. Our main hurdle was me and my perception of myself and the misguided notion I had that I wasn't good enough for him because I'm fat. I wouldn't have sex with the lights on and I became super paranoid. If he was tired and didn't want to have sex, it was because I was fat. If it took him longer than normal to 'finish', it was because I was fat. I kept doubting myself and got more and more depressed. It took me a while to figure out that I was projecting my own issues onto him. I realised that I've struggled with my weight half my life and it probably wans't going to change. I need to love myself the way I am. And I do now, and our relationship has never been better.
> 
> I think the main obstacle in a relationship between a BBW and a non-FA isn't the guys lack of inclination generally towards bigger gals, because when it comes to relationships I think it's truly how you feel about someone emotionally that makes someone beautiful and sexy at the end of the day. I think the biggest obstacle is a BBWs disbelief that a non-FA could find them attractive, and that is SO wrong. Love yourself, exude confidence and trust in their ability to appreciate your awesomeness.
> 
> Anyways, that's my two cents.



Thank you for putting your two cents in! It's refreshing. I've only ever had sex with FA's, but I've mostly dated non-FA's... so there is a weird disconnect in my head and I feel like I should only be dating FAs and what have you.
I'm tired, but I really like this post :3 So thank you for adding it!


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## BigCutieAurora (Jul 31, 2015)

I feel kind of horrible saying this, but its almost like I don't have to try as hard when I'm with an FA.... like other men I have to work to keep interested - FA's are all over me. So yeah, I don't really date non FA's anymore.


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## Reddi (Sep 9, 2015)

I think all this talk of FA's & non-FA's is probably misleading as it is putting people into boxes in the same way as classing a woman as chubby/bbw/ssbbw.

All people are different and like different things. Perhaps concentrating on the relationship rather than how you classify each other is the thing to do.


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