# Fat wome, but not fat men, have trouble finding sex partners?



## Crystal (Jun 16, 2010)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37710334/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/wid/11915773/

Well, duh.

PS. Sorry for the typo in the title; using an iPhone here.


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## Adrian (Jun 16, 2010)

I am glad we here are mostly Americans and are not bothered about these sort of problems like the French are.


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## truebebeblue (Jun 17, 2010)

the researchers also leave out the human factor of study... women often downplay the amount of sex and partners they have while men tend to do the opposite. I could have sex all day every day with different men each hour if 
i wanted.


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## stldpn (Jun 17, 2010)

truebebeblue said:


> the researchers also leave out the human factor of study... women often downplay the amount of sex and partners they have while men tend to do the opposite. I could have sex all day every day with different men each hour if
> i wanted.



I have to think maybe it has to do with the fact that fat french men have perilously low standards? Besides, did they factor out visits to the madame? Prostitution is legal there. So any man that's got the coin can have as much or as little as he wants.


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## J34 (Jun 17, 2010)

stldpn said:


> I have to think maybe it has to do with the fact that fat french men have perilously low standards? Besides, did they factor out visits to the madame? Prostitution is legal there. So any man that's got the coin can have as much or as little as he wants.



Yea, I was about to say its in France. And we at least can surmise what French men like in women


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## Make_Lunch_Not_War (Jun 17, 2010)

I've GOT to move to France, home of croissants, great art museums and BHM's who (apparently) don't have a problem finding sex partners.


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## Emma (Jun 17, 2010)

I have never had a problem finding (hot) sex partners hehe


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## Ruby Ripples (Jun 18, 2010)

Me neither, I could have a different sex partner every week if i wanted. NO shortage of closet FAs, unfortunately. A bf though.. that is a while other ball game!


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## joswitch (Jun 18, 2010)

stldpn said:


> I have to think maybe it has to do with the fact that fat french men have perilously low standards? Besides, did they factor out visits to the madame?* Prostitution is legal there*. So any man that's got the coin can have as much or as little as he wants.



^Not really. It's similar to the sitch in UK where it's also technically legal, but so many of the things required to make it work, (as work) e.g. advertising, soliciting etc. are illegal.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_France


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 18, 2010)

CurvyEm said:


> I have never had a problem finding (hot) sex partners hehe





Ruby Ripples said:


> Me neither, I could have a different sex partner every week if i wanted.




Of course, being gorgeous confers a certain advantage ...


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## Fallenangel2904 (Jun 18, 2010)

Just a heads up, this was also posted and discussed in this thread:
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=73836

What I said over there was:

While I don't necessarily like this, or agree with its generalization (IE fat woman aren't gonna get any...) I can understand it. Outside of our community fat woman are not held in very high regard by most thanks to media and what society deems to be 'hot'. I always hated that, in mainstream society it seemed more acceptable for a bigger guy to be with a smaller woman, but almost taboo for a skinny guy to be with a big woman. I mean even based on things we see on TV (Shows like Yes Dear- with a BHM married to a petite woman) But notice you rarely really see shows or movies with BBW/SSBBW married to thin guys.

IDK...I guess maybe because I've experienced the almost stigma at having sex with a fat chick by non FA guys. Not all Big girls might experience this, but I have seen it.


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## bigmac (Jun 18, 2010)

Make_Lunch_Not_War said:


> I've GOT to move to France, home of croissants, great art museums and BHM's who (apparently) don't have a problem finding sex partners.




Really, I should have paid more attention in high school French class.

Unfortunately I don't think this study is applicable in the USA. Its been my experience that in the USA (even in the so called size acceptance community) fat guys don't get much play. Indeed its not uncommon to hear fat ladies bad mouthing fat guys at BBW events (I've posted about this before). Its even worse in the rest of the world. 

As some of the ladies noted -- they can hook-up anytime they want. All they have to do is go to the local BBW club. Unfortunately there's no such option for horny fat guys.


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## Make_Lunch_Not_War (Jun 18, 2010)

bigmac said:


> Indeed its not uncommon to hear fat ladies bad mouthing fat guys at BBW events (I've posted about this before).



That may be true but I've also heard plenty of fat men say disparaging things about BBWs too.



bigmac said:


> As some of the ladies noted -- they can hook-up anytime they want. All they have to do is go to the local BBW club.



They don't even need to go to a BBW club; all they have to is go to a bar and just look "available" and I'm sure within a few minutes some horny guy will hit on them.


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## NoWayOut (Jun 20, 2010)

Make_Lunch_Not_War said:


> They don't even need to go to a BBW club; all they have to is go to a bar and just look "available" and I'm sure within a few minutes some horny guy will hit on them.



You're probably right.


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## KittyKitten (Jun 20, 2010)

A woman can have sex with any man willing. Take a man and a woman and stand him or her by the street corner. Both have a sign saying "Would you have sex with me?" Who do you think will get more responses? One reason you see a lot more female prostitutes than the male ones (for straight women).

My point is perhaps the women in this study don't have the need to spread their legs to every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there and the study dismisses this as 'having trouble finding sexual partners'. Society seems to frown upon sexually active women more so than men so that may be a factor in the study. 

SMH......


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## NoWayOut (Jun 20, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> A woman can have sex with any man willing. Take a man and a woman and stand him or her by the street corner. Both have a sign saying "Would you have sex with me?" Who do you think will get more responses? One reason you see a lot more female prostitutes than the male ones (for straight women).
> 
> My point is perhaps the women in this study don't have the need to spread their legs to every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there and the study dismisses this as 'having trouble finding sexual partners'. Society seems to frown upon sexually active women more so than men so that may be a factor in the study.
> 
> SMH......



That's a very good point. When you really think about it, this study was really a colossal waste of time.


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## KittyKitten (Jun 20, 2010)

NoWayOut said:


> That's a very good point. When you really think about it, this study was really a colossal waste of time.



As with most of those studies that focus on making an example of certain groups of people especially with the obese and blacks.


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## CastingPearls (Jun 20, 2010)

I don't know what the problem is with French women in this study but this has never been an issue with me.


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## t3h_n00b (Jun 21, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> A woman can have sex with any man willing. Take a man and a woman and stand him or her by the street corner. Both have a sign saying "Would you have sex with me?" Who do you think will get more responses? One reason you see a lot more female prostitutes than the male ones (for straight women).
> 
> My point is perhaps the women in this study don't have the need to spread their legs to every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there and the study dismisses this as 'having trouble finding sexual partners'. Society seems to frown upon sexually active women more so than men so that may be a factor in the study.
> 
> SMH......




AgreeD. That's been a part of pop culture since forever. Just look at the Honeymooners, the flintstones, etc and more recently at the Fresh Prince and Family Matters. It's a very acceptable pairing apparently. It definitely says something about gender roles.


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## stldpn (Jun 21, 2010)

joswitch said:


> ^Not really. It's similar to the sitch in UK where it's also technically legal, but so many of the things required to make it work, (as work) e.g. advertising, soliciting etc. are illegal.
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_France



So what you're saying is that it's illegal for me to procure a prostitute even when they had all those interesting advertisements beamed right into my room offering all the way massage at 2am?


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## calauria (Jun 22, 2010)

Most, if not all of us women on this board get bombarded with men wanting to have sex with us.......don't we have a whole thread or two about the stupid lines they give us?? We're actually complaining about too damn many sexual proposals, we want an actual relationship. This study is very, very wrong....lol!!


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## KittyKitten (Jun 22, 2010)

calauria said:


> Most, if not all of us women on this board get bombarded with men *wanting to have sex with us*......]



Really? Most of the men here want to break my neck and hate my guts.


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## BBW4Chattery (Jun 22, 2010)

calauria said:


> Most, if not all of us women on this board get bombarded with men wanting to have sex with us.......



 Not I, said the big red (my hair is red) hen. 

I don't actively participate in any FA community other than this chat board and I've never been openly treated badly by my "average" sized peers. Still, there's occasional pity that flows my way because they know one of these things is not like the other...

Sexual partners are influenced by your community... 

I truly believe there's a stigma associated with me, as a fat chick, that will prevent most males in my current community from considering me as a suitable mate/partner because of my size... and that would be an acceptable bias to everyone else also within my social circle (male and female).

No one is mean about it... but it's unspoken and present. I don't have skinny friends trying to set me up with their single guy friends because we all know... that isn't going to happen. I get the random offer of a hook up with certain down on their luck fellas... and the always blood pressure spiking, "why don't you date someone?"

Within my community, I have a hard time finding sexual partners. Between 200-300 lbs, it has NEVER come from spontaneous interaction and I've had to seek partners outside of my community when I wanted sex. I don't have hopes that this will change and it's disappointing to me. I want a partner who shares my interests and social circles. It sucks a little.

Although, this is n=1... just my experience... so I know you guys may have better ones to report. Just saying that for me, the study rings truth.


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## calauria (Jun 22, 2010)

Well, damn!! I don't know which one is worse, not getting any/very little sexual proposals or men treating you like a slutbag whore

It's actually not flattering when all men want to do is f*** you. It doesn't mean they care or respect me. It just means that they want to use me for a minute. And men do have sex with women they don't find attractive and women they hate. So, a man wanting to have sex with me, doesn't mean anything.

This one guy I used to date said that he has sex with ugly girls, because they know how to f*** So, I asked him was he calling me ugly, he said no, he didn't mean me, so I decided to mess with him and ask him, "So, you're saying I don't know how to f***, then?"

Guys have sex just to be having sex...and no I don't mean all guys, I'm just saying....


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## LovelyLiz (Jun 22, 2010)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Me neither, I could have a different sex partner every week if i wanted. NO shortage of closet FAs, unfortunately. A bf though.. that is a while other ball game!



I agree with this times one million.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 22, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Really? Most of the men here want to break my neck and hate my guts.



that's because of your posts though, not your fat


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## KittyKitten (Jun 22, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> that's because of your posts though, not your fat



Not all my posts are that bad, come on. Sometimes my crazy side possesses me, lol. Call me sweet and spicy


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## NoWayOut (Jun 22, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Really? Most of the men here want to break my neck and hate my guts.



That's stupid on their part. I mean, I hate what you write sometimes, but that'd be dumb to hate you personally because of message board posts. Message board personality is not the same as real personality.


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## KittyKitten (Jun 22, 2010)

NoWayOut said:


> That's stupid on their part. I mean, I hate what you write sometimes, but that'd be dumb to hate you personally because of message board posts. Message board personality is not the same as real personality.



Thank you, NoWayOut. I probably exaggerated but sometimes I feel that way. People get passionate about certain issues doesn't mean they are evil. But I don't want to derail the thread.


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## Jes (Jun 22, 2010)

calauria said:


> Most, if not all of us women on this board get bombarded with men wanting to have sex with us.......don't we have a whole thread or two about the stupid lines they give us?? We're actually complaining about too damn many sexual proposals, we want an actual relationship. This study is very, very wrong....lol!!



i'd be happy if the come ons/proposals actually resulted in something! the internet has a whole lotta talk talk talk and very few are walking the walk.

Anyway, who said what about french men having low standards? based on what, now? who? where? huh?


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## KittyKitten (Jun 22, 2010)

I agree with Calauria, I guess that's the case. It's like a pyramid, in the widest bottom layer, is the number of men wanting only sex. The lower mid layer is dating. The upper mid layer is serious relationship. The tiniest top layer is the men wanting to marry. I guess that's how it will always be.


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## NoWayOut (Jun 22, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> I agree with Calauria, I guess that's the case. It's like a pyramid, in the widest bottom layer, is the number of men wanting only sex. The lower mid layer is dating. The upper mid layer is serious relationship. The tiniest top layer is the men wanting to marry. I guess that's how it will always be.



That's very sad, but true. There's also those outside the pyramid who aren't interested in sex or a relationship, although like the top layer, that's not a very high number either.


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## bigmac (Jun 22, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Really? Most of the men here want to break my neck and hate my guts.



No we don't!!!

Your posts are intelligent, passionate, and compassionate. A great combination.

The guys who just want a fat version of a plastic Barbie person aren't worth your time.


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## KittyKitten (Jun 22, 2010)

bigmac said:


> No we don't!!!
> 
> Your posts are intelligent, passionate, and compassionate. A great combination.
> 
> The guys who just want a fat version of a plastic Barbie person aren't worth your time.



Aw shucks you are cool and I love your intelligent and thought provoking posts, too! I guess I over-exaggerated. I know I can go off sometimes though. But you know everyone is not going to like what you have to say. Thanks. 

PS- and I think I know who you are talking about.


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## stldpn (Jun 22, 2010)

Jes said:


> i'd be happy if the come ons/proposals actually resulted in something! the internet has a whole lotta talk talk talk and very few are walking the walk.
> 
> Anyway, who said what about french men having low standards? based on what, now? who? where? huh?



A fat man said that fat French men *might* have perilously low standards. Why did I say that? I've done ten years worth of study from a bar stool. Men in general still live under the expectation that we should be providing chase. When you can only run so fast... there's an overt pressure to take advantage of anything that's placed in front of you. 

Someone else noted the way that her friends never set her up on dates? I have a good education, a decent job, active lifestyle, and for over ten years my friends have been setting me up with ladies with whom I have nothing in common. As if I should lower my expectations for compatibility because the female lowered her expectations physically.


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## bigmac (Jun 22, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> I agree with Calauria, I guess that's the case. It's like a pyramid, in the widest bottom layer, is the number of men wanting only sex. The lower mid layer is dating. The upper mid layer is serious relationship. The tiniest top layer is the men wanting to marry. I guess that's how it will always be.



I'm thinking that guys can inhabit multiple layers simultaneously. We can go out with no real expectation of finding a serious relationship partner -- but if we meet someone special we can climb up the pyramid quite fast.

I spent most of my life telling people marriage was for suckers -- then I met my future wife and was engaged three weeks later.


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## NoWayOut (Jun 22, 2010)

bigmac said:


> I'm thinking that guys can inhabit multiple layers simultaneously. We can go out with no real expectation of finding a serious relationship partner -- but if we meet someone special we can climb up the pyramid quite fast.
> 
> I spent most of my life telling people marriage was for suckers -- then I met my future wife and was engaged three weeks later.



And I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I want a relationship, but I doubt if happens for me.


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## exile in thighville (Jun 23, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Not all my posts are that bad, come on. Sometimes my crazy side possesses me, lol. Call me sweet and spicy



general tso's chicken is sweet and spicy

you're just crazy


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 23, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> I agree with Calauria, I guess that's the case. It's like a pyramid, in the widest bottom layer, is the number of men wanting only sex. The lower mid layer is dating. The upper mid layer is serious relationship. The tiniest top layer is the men wanting to marry. I guess that's how it will always be.



I don't think its that at all, I think for the most part men and women just have different mindsets about dating. Women are taught that dating is supposed to be for finding a future spouse, men are taught that dating is supposed to be about sowing their oats. Yes, each group goes about dating in a different way, but I am not so sure that I believe there are more men wanting just sex out there than there are women wanting just sex. 

Its all about finding someone who's at the same stage in the game as you when you're out there looking for whatever you're looking for.


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## NoWayOut (Jun 23, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> I don't think its that at all, I think for the most part men and women just have different mindsets about dating. Women are taught that dating is supposed to be for finding a future spouse, men are taught that dating is supposed to be about sowing their oats. Yes, each group goes about dating in a different way, but I am not so sure that I believe there are more men wanting just sex out there than there are women wanting just sex.
> 
> Its all about finding someone who's at the same stage in the game as you when you're out there looking for whatever you're looking for.



Looks like I was taught as a woman as far as dating goes, since I have the future spouse mindset.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 23, 2010)

NoWayOut said:


> Looks like I was taught as a woman as far as dating goes, since I have the future spouse mindset.



And, you'll notice I said for the most part, but good for you. Hope you find him or her!


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## Allie Cat (Jun 23, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Really? Most of the men here want to break my neck and hate my guts.



I don't know if I count, but I like you


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## KittyKitten (Jun 23, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> general tso's chicken is sweet and spicy
> 
> you're just crazy



_Soy es muy loca_! Kisses to Divals. LOL


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## NoWayOut (Jun 23, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> And, you'll notice I said for the most part, but good for you. Hope you find him or her!



Highly unlikely. I find girls who like me and then end it when my heart decides it doesn't want a relationship. Plus, my lifestyle is not conducive to most relationships since I get off work late. About my only chance is to find a BBW nurse.


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## stldpn (Jun 24, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> I don't think its that at all, I think for the most part men and women just have different mindsets about dating. Women are taught that dating is supposed to be for finding a future spouse, men are taught that dating is supposed to be about sowing their oats. Yes, each group goes about dating in a different way, but I am not so sure that I believe there are more men wanting just sex out there than there are women wanting just sex.
> 
> Its all about finding someone who's at the same stage in the game as you when you're out there looking for whatever you're looking for.



Maybe I really am way out there but, I worked in a college town surrounded by young successful women for way too long to believe that the majority of women these days approach dating as a means of finding their forever mate. I'm pretty sure almost everyone in the under twenty five dating scene doesn't go out on the first date dreaming of their wedding day or measuring someone specifically for how good of a "prospect" they are.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 24, 2010)

stldpn said:


> Maybe I really am way out there but, I worked in a college town surrounded by young successful women for way too long to believe that the majority of women these days approach dating as a means of finding their forever mate. I'm pretty sure almost everyone in the under twenty five dating scene doesn't go out on the first date dreaming of their wedding day or measuring someone specifically for how good of a "prospect" they are.



hmmm I dont know... I dont know too many women who date without looking at the guy to see if he's long term material, but to be fair I haven't been on a date in 8 years.


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## RJI (Jun 24, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Really? Most of the men here want to break my neck and hate my guts.



That is the major flaw I find with this forum. Those of us that like to partake in the fun of Hyde Park find scorn from those who don't share the same beliefs while posting in the rest of the forum. I personally don't follow that route and find you intelligent and extremely beautiful even if we don't share the same political beliefs.


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## Allie Cat (Jun 24, 2010)

RJI said:


> That is the major flaw I find with this forum. Those of us that like to partake in the fun of Hyde Park find scorn from those who don't share the same beliefs while posting in the rest of the forum. I personally don't follow that route and find you intelligent and extremely beautiful even if we don't share the same political beliefs.



Indeed. It's hard to separate the HP posts from the rest of the person's posts. Though, there's only really two people I absolutely despise because of things they've said there.


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## LovelyLiz (Jun 24, 2010)

RJI said:


> That is the major flaw I find with this forum. Those of us that like to partake in the fun of Hyde Park find scorn from those who don't share the same beliefs while posting in the rest of the forum. I personally don't follow that route and find you intelligent and extremely beautiful even if we don't share the same political beliefs.



If I find a person to be interesting and intelligent in Hyde Park, even if I disagree with him/her on particular political or ideological issues, I will still engage with him/her as someone who generally has those qualities when I read the posts outside of Hyde Park. However...the opposite is also true. If someone in Hyde Park is mostly reactionary, doesn't support their stances well, or seems more interested in provoking fights than discussion - that impression carries over into the rest of the forum too. (I'm not referring to you, happyface, or anyone in particular here.)

Like everything, it's a lot less what someone believes than how they express it. If someone expresses their views like an arrogant jerk in HP, I think it's fine and natural to enter into how you interact with them in general, since it's clearly a part of their personality.

(I'm so off-topic here, I realize. Sorry...)


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## LovelyLiz (Jun 24, 2010)

Divals said:


> Indeed. It's hard to separate the HP posts from the rest of the person's posts. Though, there's only really two people I absolutely despise because of things they've said there.



Yeah, but why should you have to separate those posts from your impression of someone? Hyde Park posts are a part of their overall persona/character too.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 24, 2010)

RJI said:


> That is the major flaw I find with this forum. Those of us that like to partake in the fun of Hyde Park find scorn from those who don't share the same beliefs while posting in the rest of the forum. I personally don't follow that route and find you intelligent and extremely beautiful even if we don't share the same political beliefs.



I think it has more to do with how people choose to interact in HP rather than their opinions. If someone disagrees with me and does so respectfully I take no offense and that doesn't color my view of them. If they disagree with me and choose to be an asshole about it, well then I'm going to read anything they post thinking they're an asshole.


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## goofy girl (Jun 24, 2010)

Sexual partners are easy to find. You might not find them unless you're both wasted and it's 3am...but they're easy. 





NoWayOut said:


> And I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I want a relationship, but I doubt if happens for me.





NoWayOut said:


> Looks like I was taught as a woman as far as dating goes, since I have the future spouse mindset.





NoWayOut said:


> Highly unlikely. *I find girls who like me and then end it when my heart decides it doesn't want a relationship*. Plus, my lifestyle is not conducive to most relationships since I get off work late. About my only chance is to find a BBW nurse.



Huh? I don't get it?


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## bigmac (Jun 24, 2010)

I was thinking about the original post and I think I may have to change my stance in so far as it may indeed be more difficult for fat women to find long-term partners (at least fat women past their early 30s). Looks like most of the people here are in agreement that ladies can find short-term partners quite easily but this may not be true when it comes to long-term partners. However, it seems that this set of circumstances is true for American men and women generally not just fat one.

Author Lori Gottlieb outlines all the reasons its more difficult for women to find husbands (at least women past their early 30s) in her book_ *"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough".* _ Here's a link to a review:

http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/just_marry_him

The basic premise of Ms. Gottlieb's book is that women have the upper hand while theyre in there 20s and early 30s. Successful (the book is certainly skewed toward the college educated) young women have many men to choose from (from guys their own age, older, younger ... the world's their playground). Note: this applies in the BBW world too, go to a big event like the Vegas Bash and you'll see that the 25-30 year old women are the stars of the show. 

However, sometime around age 35 the advantage shifts to the men. Ms. Gottlieb illustrates how, by 35, the most eligible men have been taken out of circulation by women smart enough to marry early and how many of the remaining bachelors have serious issues (more men than women become basically unmarriageable due to incarceration, chronic unemployment, and even mental disorder). The few remaining eligible men (and those reentering the dating pool), therefore, have a surplus of women to choose from.


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## stldpn (Jun 24, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> hmmm I dont know... I dont know too many women who date without looking at the guy to see if he's long term material, but to be fair I haven't been on a date in 8 years.



Granted I think everybody takes the cursory glance. Guys included. Everyone wants to know whether or not they should choose to invest.

However, you can't tell me that these women I always see hanging out with good time charlie are seriously looking for more than fun? Wanting to "just have fun" is not a character flaw. Placing a lot of importance on the way someone acts on a first date is just counterproductive. It takes months before people let you know precisely what they're like when they're not on their best behavior.


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## NoWayOut (Jun 24, 2010)

goofy girl said:


> Huh? I don't get it?



Welcome to dealing with my confused heart. The only thing it knows for sure is that it's not interested in sex. Otherwise, it's totally lost.


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## KittyKitten (Jun 24, 2010)

goofy girl said:


> Sexual partners are easy to find. You might not find them unless you're both wasted and it's 3am...but they're easy.



Sexual partners are very easy to find but a good and quality long term mate is another thing.


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## stldpn (Jun 24, 2010)

bigmac said:


> I was thinking about the original post and I think I may have to change my stance in so far as it may indeed be more difficult for fat women to find long-term partners (at least fat women past their early 30s). Looks like most of the people here are in agreement that ladies can find short-term partners quite easily but this may not be true when it comes to long-term partners. However, it seems that this set of circumstances is true for American men and women generally not just fat one.
> 
> Author Lori Gottlieb outlines all the reasons its more difficult for women to find husbands (at least women past their early 30s) in her book_ *"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough".* _ Here's a link to a review:
> 
> ...



Honestly, as a thirty something guy, that hammer swings both ways. Sure the reproductive imperative is dulled by the fact that I have a longer lasting supply of potential. 

But for the men that never got snapped up? There are just as many issues as there are for women. Most of them having to do with the perils of stepping into a ready made family. 

Unless they've been in a coma, by the time most people get to thirty they have baggage. They have heartbreaks, drug issues, children with other people, divorces, dirty/strange/eccentric habits and all of the associated drama. And that's *EVERYBODY* in their 30s, they all have a past. You compound that with the biological pressure that some women feel to make things work out with Mr. OK simply because this might be her last chance of finding a father for her children... and being the guy trying to make a relationship work with a normal healthy 30+ woman? It is just not as simple and easy as when you were a much younger much more emotionally flexible individual. 

I think the bad connotation of "settling" is ridiculous. I think we all end up settling. It's just that we settle for people that have quirks that we feel we can cope with and find commitment with someone because of the familiarity and comfort they provide to us.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 24, 2010)

stldpn said:


> Granted I think everybody takes the cursory glance. Guys included. Everyone wants to know whether or not they should choose to invest.
> 
> However, you can't tell me that these women I always see hanging out with good time charlie are seriously looking for more than fun? Wanting to "just have fun" is not a character flaw. Placing a lot of importance on the way someone acts on a first date is just counterproductive. It takes months before people let you know precisely what they're like when they're not on their best behavior.



Sure, people take a good first look but is it the same for men and women? Most women I know look further on the first date than that night or maybe the next date. I'm not a man so I don't know what you all think... Judging on first date may be counter productive, but it happens and sometimes it takes people years before they let their true colors show. 

But like I said, I haven't been on a date in 8 years and dating in my 20's was crap. Hoping that I wont have to do it again. Ever.


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## stldpn (Jun 24, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Sure, people take a good first look but is it the same for men and women? Most women I know look further on the first date than that night or maybe the next date. I'm not a man so I don't know what you all think... Judging on first date may be counter productive, but it happens and sometimes it takes people years before they let their true colors show.
> 
> But like I said, I haven't been on a date in 8 years and dating in my 20's was crap. Hoping that I wont have to do it again. Ever.



Dating isn't supposed to be another hike up to Mount Doom. Especially not when you're 20. He's supposed to try to make you laugh. If he's not doing that? I'll be the first to excuse you for sneaking out the front door while he's ordering the appetizer.


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## Allie Cat (Jun 25, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> Yeah, but why should you have to separate those posts from your impression of someone? Hyde Park posts are a part of their overall persona/character too.



True, but there's people out there with crazy political viewpoints who are completely nice otherwise...


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## NoWayOut (Jun 25, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Sure, people take a good first look but is it the same for men and women? Most women I know look further on the first date than that night or maybe the next date. I'm not a man so I don't know what you all think... Judging on first date may be counter productive, but it happens and sometimes it takes people years before they let their true colors show.
> 
> But like I said, I haven't been on a date in 8 years and dating in my 20's was crap. Hoping that I wont have to do it again. Ever.



That sucks. Shame so many men are idiots.


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## RJI (Jun 25, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> hmmm I dont know... I dont know too many women who date without looking at the guy to see if he's long term material, but to be fair I haven't been on a date in 8 years.



Is not going on a date in 8 years a choice you made or a lack of quality men in your area? It is definitely not due to a lack of appeal.


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## calauria (Jun 25, 2010)

bigmac said:


> I was thinking about the original post and I think I may have to change my stance in so far as it may indeed be more difficult for fat women to find long-term partners (at least fat women past their early 30s). Looks like most of the people here are in agreement that ladies can find short-term partners quite easily but this may not be true when it comes to long-term partners. However, it seems that this set of circumstances is true for American men and women generally not just fat one.
> 
> Author Lori Gottlieb outlines all the reasons its more difficult for women to find husbands (at least women past their early 30s) in her book_ *"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough".* _ Here's a link to a review:
> 
> ...



Well, what if a woman is not ready to marry in her 20's?? I'm not sure if I want to get married at all, just would be nice to have a decent companion is all....


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## calauria (Jun 25, 2010)

stldpn said:


> Honestly, as a thirty something guy, that hammer swings both ways. Sure the reproductive imperative is dulled by the fact that I have a longer lasting supply of potential.
> 
> But for the men that never got snapped up? There are just as many issues as there are for women. Most of them having to do with the perils of stepping into a ready made family.
> 
> ...



I think the pressure and rush of people trying to get married are driving them crazy. I already have two children and I'm not trying to find a father for them. A child doesn't necessary need a father, just a parent or someone who loves them, provides for them and guides them through life.


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## NoWayOut (Jun 25, 2010)

bigmac said:


> I was thinking about the original post and I think I may have to change my stance in so far as it may indeed be more difficult for fat women to find long-term partners (at least fat women past their early 30s). Looks like most of the people here are in agreement that ladies can find short-term partners quite easily but this may not be true when it comes to long-term partners. However, it seems that this set of circumstances is true for American men and women generally not just fat one.
> 
> Author Lori Gottlieb outlines all the reasons its more difficult for women to find husbands (at least women past their early 30s) in her book_ *"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough".* _ Here's a link to a review:
> 
> ...



Nobody should have to settle. It's better to not marry than to marry someone you have to settle for. You should truly want to marry the person.


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## mossystate (Jun 25, 2010)

Not reacting one way or another to the article, except to say that " settling " does not mean you do not want and desire the person be in your life - whether that means marriage or not. 

Settling is a loaded word. It can simply mean that you are not being unrealistic - but then, those are ideas that usually means a person needs to get their head out of the cotton candy clouds.

Now to get women to not settle for men who think they are doing the women a favor, or those men who strut around thinking they have all the time in the world, and that every woman should overlook things the men themselves would never overlook in a woman. None of those things change...then of course we will still be having this conversation - these articles will be trotted out every 10 years or so.


But...yeah...everybody who is not a complete jackass... ' settles '. How could it be looked at any other way.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 25, 2010)

RJI said:


> Is not going on a date in 8 years a choice you made or a lack of quality men in your area? It is definitely not due to a lack of appeal.



lol its due to the fact that I've been in a relationship for the last 8 years, but thank you.


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## goofy girl (Jun 25, 2010)

NoWayOut said:


> Welcome to dealing with my confused heart. The only thing it knows for sure is that it's not interested in sex. Otherwise, it's totally lost.



gotcha  



happyface83 said:


> Sexual partners are very easy to find but a good and quality long term mate is another thing.



I completely agree, I never said it was easy to find a long term relationship but just that it's easy to get laid. I was just responding to the title of the thread.


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## fatgirlflyin (Jun 25, 2010)

mossystate said:


> But...yeah...everybody who is not a complete jackass... ' settles '. How could it be looked at any other way.



Absolutely, we all have an idea of what our perfect made would be like. What traits they will possess and what bad habits they won't have. 

When you pursue a relationship with someone its all about who has the most traits that you find pleasing and the least amount of bad habits that are going to irritate you. No one person is going to have everything you envisioned your perfect mate to have. If they do, you're one lucky man/woman.


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## stldpn (Jun 25, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Settling is a loaded word. It can simply mean that you are not being unrealistic - but then, those are ideas that usually means a person needs to get their head out of the cotton candy clouds.
> 
> Now to get women to not settle for men who think they are doing the women a favor, or those men who strut around thinking they have all the time in the world, and that every woman should overlook things the men themselves would never overlook in a woman. None of those things change...then of course we will still be having this conversation - these articles will be trotted out every 10 years or so.
> 
> ...



I always look at "settling" this way. I've lived with enough women to know that when you get far enough into a relationship. A lot of the things that you thought of initially as cute little quirks (EX. Refrigerating the Peanut butter, insisting on a clean floor, ie. no shoes in the house EVER, refusing to go to bed at night or leave the house in the morning without wiping the counters, sleeping in a shirt and shorts even if it means crawling back out of bed and getting dressed, taking their pet on any overnight trip) have a tendency to grate on nerves after awhile. Mostly because it has to do with the way someone else is accustomed to doing things. When you're young it's easier to accept someone else's "stuff" when you're older and you reach for the butter and find it's on the shelf rather than in the door, you may have a slight issue with the fact that your way of doing stuff isn't always first and foremost.

"Settling" particularly for me at this stage is finding someone who will put up with my habits, and whose habits aren't so far out there that I find them impossible to live with.


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## bigmac (Jun 27, 2010)

NoWayOut said:


> Nobody should have to settle. It's better to not marry than to marry someone you have to settle for. You should truly want to marry the person.



Everyone settles to some extent. This doesn't mean you marry someone you don't want to marry. It just means that you make a set of trade offs you can live with.

I'll give you an example. I like tall girls. A few years ago I had a brief relationship with a very tall girl. She was young, pretty, and the chemistry was good. Unfortunately she was also a rabid Republican. A year later I met my wife who's only 5'6". She's also liberal, atheist, and a SEIU shop steward.

Did I settle by marrying the short girl? In a sense yes. But in doing so I did what adults do all the time I "settled" by weighing my options -- not a bad thing. People do this all the time for example; when they decide between the small house in the nicer neighborhood verse the large house with a lesser location, or when they decide between the sensible family car and the no so sensible, but appealing, sports car.

No one gets everything they want but lots of people, to quote the Rolling Stones, "get what they need."


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## bigmac (Jun 27, 2010)

stldpn said:


> ... cute little quirks (EX. Refrigerating the Peanut butter ...



Doesn't everyone put the peanut butter in the fridge?


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 28, 2010)

happyface83 said:


> Sexual partners are very easy to find but a good and quality long term mate is another thing.



And I think it is important to remember that this study consisted entirely of _interviews_, i.e., people assessing their own experiences. If, as several posters have surmised, a higher percentage of women than men were seeking a mutually satisfying long-term relationship, then it is highly likely that more women would be likely to report having an unsatisfactory sex life. I would also like to suggest that, _in an interview situation_, it is possible that many gentlemen (and perhaps Frenchmen, especially) would be unlikely to report failure with the opposite sex.


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## fat hiker (Jun 28, 2010)

stldpn said:


> "Settling" particularly for me at this stage is finding someone who will put up with my habits, and whose habits aren't so far out there that I find them impossible to live with.



Exactly. And when I found that someone, I married them. Eight years of love later, I think I 'settled' at the right level.

Which doesn't mean that there aren't things she does that just make me grind my teeth - but I know some of what I do grates on her too, and we talk about it (or at least try to) and the good makes up for the grating.

One thing about marrying in your thirties, I think that while the 'settling' is harder to do, you're a lot more determined to do it, and more reflective about its necessity.


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## stldpn (Jun 28, 2010)

bigmac said:


> Doesn't everyone put the peanut butter in the fridge?



I do. That was my personal list of quirks.


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## goofy girl (Jun 28, 2010)

if you put the peanut butter in the fridge then your bread breaks. phooey.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 28, 2010)

When you first bring the peanut butter home, the oil will have risen to the top. After you have stirred it, you put the jar into the refrigerator to slow down the process of separation. Despite your best efforts, the oil will still tend to rise, so the peanut butter will be softer for the first week or so: it will not tear your bread if you spread it gently. Once you get about halfway through the jar, however, there will be less oil in the peanut butter; i.e., it will be harder. NOW you take it out of the fridge and give it a home on the shelf so that it can soften ... and not tear your bread. Or you can do as I do and eat it on a bagel: bagels are harder to tear.


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## Tau (Jun 29, 2010)

stldpn said:


> Maybe I really am way out there but, I worked in a college town surrounded by young successful women for way too long to believe that the majority of women these days approach dating as a means of finding their forever mate. I'm pretty sure almost everyone in the under twenty five dating scene doesn't go out on the first date dreaming of their wedding day or measuring someone specifically for how good of a "prospect" they are.



A majority of women under 25 are still all about getting married. I've noticed also a number of really young guys who arent into playing the field but want to be settled down family men by age 24 and 25. I dont have stats or reams of proof except my own experience ofcourse. Most women start thinking about marriage at age 5. My niece is already planning hers  and then reality strikes!


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## CastingPearls (Jun 29, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> When you first bring the peanut butter home, the oil will have risen to the top. After you have stirred it, you put the jar into the refrigerator to slow down the process of separation. Despite your best efforts, the oil will still tend to rise, so the peanut butter will be softer for the first week or so: it will not tear your bread if you spread it gently. Once you get about halfway through the jar, however, there will be less oil in the peanut butter; i.e., it will be harder. NOW you take it out of the fridge and give it a home on the shelf so that it can soften ... and not tear your bread. Or you can do as I do and eat it on a bagel: bagels are harder to tear.


If you microwave the peanutbutter for a a minute or so when you first purchase it, you won't ever have to worry about oil separation problems. 
And cold peanutbutter I could tolerate but I prefer mine room temp, like my ketchup. 

When I was in my twenties I was having too much fun to consider marriage. I remember at 26 saying, I'm too young to get married and getting strange side glances from older women, LOL


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## stldpn (Jun 29, 2010)

Tau said:


> A majority of women under 25 are still all about getting married. I've noticed also a number of really young guys who arent into playing the field but want to be settled down family men by age 24 and 25. I dont have stats or reams of proof except my own experience ofcourse. Most women start thinking about marriage at age 5. My niece is already planning hers  and then reality strikes!



Thinking about a wedding at age 5. Women are crazy.


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## mossystate (Jun 30, 2010)

There are men who dream about things that start when they are little kids. Men are crazy.




In other words...


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## exile in thighville (Jun 30, 2010)

Crystal said:


> http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37710334/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/wid/11915773/
> 
> Well, duh.
> 
> PS. Sorry for the typo in the title; using an iPhone here.



it's funny because i think this is the opposite inside the community

also outside of it


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## stldpn (Jun 30, 2010)

mossystate said:


> There are men who dream about things that start when they are little kids. Men are crazy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



We dream about being firemen and policemen and army men and then we grow up and realize that running into burning buildings, and getting shot at aren't the best ways to make a living unless you wanna die young. I respect what those guys do, but it didn't take a lot to talk me out of pursuing those careers.


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## ChickletsBBW (Jul 4, 2010)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Me neither, I could have a different sex partner every week if i wanted. NO shortage of closet FAs, unfortunately. A bf though.. that is a while other ball game!



I'll have to agree on this... if i wanted.. i could be in bed with everynight with a guy.. but the finding a bf on the other hand has been impossible for me for the last 3 and 1/2 yrs.


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## bigmac (Jul 7, 2010)

ChickletsBBW said:


> I'll have to agree on this... if i wanted.. i could be in bed with everynight with a guy.. but the finding a bf on the other hand has been impossible for me for the last 3 and 1/2 yrs.



There are lots of people out there. Unfortunately only a small percentage are worth getting to know. Case in point -- I saw a whole bunch of cute fat women today. Unfortunately most were either standing in line outside dependency (child abuse) court or waiting to visit inmates in the county jail so I doubt they were relationship material.


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## Ruby Ripples (Jul 7, 2010)

bigmac said:


> There are lots of people out there. Unfortunately only a small percentage are worth getting to know. Case in point -- I saw a whole bunch of cute fat women today. Unfortunately most were either standing in line outside dependency (child abuse) court or waiting to visit inmates in the county jail so I doubt they were relationship material.




Every time I think you can't get any more offensive, you go and do it. Congratulations.


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## LoveBHMS (Jul 7, 2010)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Every time I think you can't get any more offensive, you go and do it. Congratulations.



Especially the part where his SS wife is probably totally oblivious to the fact he's checking out whether or not _other_ fat women are relationship material.


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## mercy (Jul 7, 2010)

I don't think it's anything to do with the fact that the study was done in France. Go to any article about obesity and weight gain, and you generally find that most of the judgemental idiotic comments below that article are from men. 

It's a generalisation, I know, but in my experience, men are far more judgemental than women when it comes to body type. I've never had any verbal abuse from a woman about my weight, but it's an increasingly common occurrence with men.


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## bigmac (Jul 7, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Especially the part where his SS wife is probably totally oblivious to the fact he's checking out whether or not _other_ fat women are relationship material.



Actually I called her and told her her evil twin was in line outside dependency court. Ironic because my wife's a CPS social worker.

If a guy stops looking its a sure sign he's dead.


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## Keb (Jul 7, 2010)

I could probably find a sex partner if I wanted only that. Trouble is, I want more...and that has been pretty much impossible for me to find. And I worry a -lot- that it's because of my weight.


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## wtchmel (Jul 8, 2010)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Me neither, I could have a different sex partner every week if i wanted. NO shortage of closet FAs, unfortunately. A bf though.. that is a while other ball game!



totally agreed, i believe if you're just looking for a fuck, it's easy, and simple to find that, but a relationship is a whole different ballgame.


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