# I Feel I Can Share



## steely (Oct 30, 2009)

I feel that I can share with everyone that I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. He died of a brain aneurism. His mind was gone before he left the driveway in the ambulance, his body lived for 4 days after the aneurism. He wasn't in there, in his body.

As some of you know, I have been working very hard to get healthy, get my diabetes under control, losing weight, all in the expectation of giving my husband 25 years. He always said, 25 years but as it happened it was only 12 years. I am grateful for those 12 years. He was a good man and loved me like no one ever has.

Life is short. Please don't ever take for granted that they'll always be there because sometimes they can be sitting in a chair with a headache and an hour later they can be gone. It has taken me a while to bring this here. The pain is almost unbearable. Just always remember to show the people in your life how much you love them. Always let them know...


----------



## Smushygirl (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love and prayers.


----------



## supersonicsuper (Oct 30, 2009)

I am so very sorry for your loss... Good thoughts and prayers all the way from Canada!


----------



## goofy girl (Oct 30, 2009)

Oh my goodness, Steely!! I am SO sorry!! I wish I could do something for you. You are in my thoughts.


----------



## bexy (Oct 30, 2009)

I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband Steely. Sending you all my love xxxx


----------



## rollhandler (Oct 30, 2009)

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Many happy thoughts being sent your way.
Rollhandler


----------



## katorade (Oct 30, 2009)

Oh Steely, I am so sorry.  *virtual hug*


----------



## olwen (Oct 30, 2009)

My condolences Steely. Sorry for your loss.


----------



## BBW Betty (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

Betty


----------



## ThatFatGirl (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, I'm so very sorry. You have my deepest sympathy.


----------



## thatgirl08 (Oct 30, 2009)

I'm sorry for your loss Steely.


----------



## Carrie (Oct 30, 2009)

Oh, Steely, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm so glad you were blessed with twelve wonderful years together.


----------



## StarWitness (Oct 30, 2009)

You have my deepest sympathies.


----------



## littlefairywren (Oct 30, 2009)

Oh steely, I am so very sorry to hear that Wish I could give you a hug.

Sincerest condolences and my support....


----------



## Tania (Oct 30, 2009)

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.


----------



## Tina (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, I hope you have people around to love you and be there for you at this time. My deepest sympathies for your loss.


----------



## joh (Oct 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your lost. My prayers are with you.


----------



## Horseman (Oct 30, 2009)

My deepest of sympathies, Steely. And I'm going to take your advice about not holding back with the people I love.

I wish you much love and support as you cope with your grief.


----------



## Sugar (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.


----------



## Risible (Oct 30, 2009)

Amy, so very, very sorry to hear of your loss. 

I was wondering where you've been, haven't seen you posting ... I'm so sorry to hear it was because of a tragedy of this magnitude.

Thanks so much for sharing this, though. I will go out and hug my husband right now ... We can never take our loved ones, or our own life, for granted.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. So sorry.


----------



## Donna (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, I'm sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.


----------



## SocialbFly (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, there are no words to make you feel better, just know, when you are down, we are here to help lift you up. hugs...and strength...


----------



## tonynyc (Oct 30, 2009)

Steely, sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.


----------



## Theresa48 (Oct 30, 2009)

So very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. Please surround yourself with loving family and friends. It will help.


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 30, 2009)

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## Cors (Oct 30, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Steely. Sending love and healing prayers your way... Please remember to take care of yourself during this difficult time. *hugs*


----------



## BubbleButtBabe (Oct 30, 2009)

Big hugss to you Amy...I am sorry for your loss..Just remember I am here if you ever want to talk..


----------



## Weeze (Oct 30, 2009)

I'm so, so, so sorry to hear this Steely. You're in my prayers, truly.


----------



## Paquito (Oct 30, 2009)

I'm very sorry Steely, my condolences go out to you.

*Big Dims hug*


----------



## Teleute (Oct 31, 2009)

(((((((((Steely)))))))))


----------



## Tau (Oct 31, 2009)

Sending love and prayers and the warmest thoughts your way *big hugz*


----------



## rainyday (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I'm so saddened to read this and to hear what you've been through and that you've lost your love. I understand what it took for you to share this here. You speak the truth about how easily life can change. I'm so sorry.


----------



## kayrae (Oct 31, 2009)

I don't really know what to say.


----------



## Shosh (Oct 31, 2009)

Amy I am so sorry darling.


----------



## steely (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers, you can't know how much I appreciate them. It was so sudden that I still feel like he's gone on a trip and will walk back in any moment. I am going to start grief conseling on Monday. I only hope that it will help in some way. It really is completely surreal. 

Don't worry if you don't know what to say, I have no idea what to say myself. It is enough to know that you care. Thank you for everything.


----------



## SparklingBBW (Oct 31, 2009)

My sincerest condolensces to you dear. Be kind to yourself, grieve on your own terms, and YES! counseling is a good place to start. ((((((steely)))))

.


----------



## Les Toil (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I can only offer words of sincerest support though I wish I could extend much, much more to you during this time. As someone here suggested, take everything at your own healthy pace.



steely said:


> Life is short. Please don't ever take for granted that they'll always be there



Steely, truer words have never been spoken.


----------



## Santaclear (Oct 31, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Steely.


----------



## JerseyGirl07093 (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that I'm thinking of you during this difficult time and I hope that the counseling helps you. Take care of yourself.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I'm so sorry. Hard enough to lose someone we love, but when it's so sudden like that, it must be particularly surreal and painful. My heart goes out to you. I hope and pray that you can heal from this heart break.


----------



## jewels_mystery (Oct 31, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. hugs


----------



## TraciJo67 (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.


----------



## Jes (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. Please feel the love we're all sending and know there's more of it to come when you need it.


----------



## Fascinita (Oct 31, 2009)

Hugs and love to you, Steely.


----------



## Ruffie (Oct 31, 2009)

May the memories of the years you had together comfort you now and in the future. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but wish you well in going through this tough time.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 31, 2009)

Glad that you are feeling strong enough now to be able to share, Amy. You have my support however you need it.  

Hope to see you soon *hugs*


----------



## Tooz (Oct 31, 2009)

Oh, my gosh.

I am so sorry, that is absolutely terrible. I agree, though. Tell everyone how much they mean, always.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I am so sorry for your loss.


----------



## sugar and spice (Oct 31, 2009)

Steely, I am so sorry for your loss You have my deepest sympathies. I can not imagine how hard this must be for you and I hope the love you shared and the memories of all the good years you had together will be some comfort to you now. Please try and take good care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers. Big hugs- Fran


----------



## katherine22 (Oct 31, 2009)

I am sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Oct 31, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Amy.  If you need support, we're all here for you. (((((Amy)))))


----------



## steely (Nov 1, 2009)

Thank you all again for all of your prayers and thoughts, I really do appreciate them. Today is going to be very hard. It's been three weeks today that his body passed. I don't want to feel like this every Sunday for the rest of my life. I don't want to feel this at all. I never thought I'd be a widow at 41, it's too real and yet it seems so unreal.


----------



## TearInYourHand (Nov 1, 2009)

Oh, honey. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been going through. My thoughts are with you and I send you much love.


----------



## chicken legs (Nov 1, 2009)

***BBBBIIIIIGGGG HUGGGGGGSS***

I tried to find a poem or something to express how my heart goes out to you..but I couldn't find anything...but maybe you can find a poem that best fits the love you both have for each other. 

Please keep a journal of your thoughts and feel free to share whatever you feel whenever you feel it and know that we all love you.


----------



## MizzSnakeBite (Nov 2, 2009)

steely said:


> I feel that I can share with everyone that I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. He died of a brain aneurism. His mind was gone before he left the driveway in the ambulance, his body lived for 4 days after the aneurism. He wasn't in there, in his body.
> 
> As some of you know, I have been working very hard to get healthy, get my diabetes under control, losing weight, all in the expectation of giving my husband 25 years. He always said, 25 years but as it happened it was only 12 years. I am grateful for those 12 years. He was a good man and loved me like no one ever has.
> 
> Life is short. Please don't ever take for granted that they'll always be there because sometimes they can be sitting in a chair with a headache and an hour later they can be gone. It has taken me a while to bring this here. The pain is almost unbearable. Just always remember to show the people in your life how much you love them. Always let them know...



Oh steely............I just don't know what to say. I know there are no words that can take the pain away from losing him. I'm glad you were able to find someone that you loved for so long and that he loved you back. That's so rare to find these days.

Why does it always seem we need a tragedy in our life to show us the importance of letting others know we love them...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish I could take some of the pain away for you. 


The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -
But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow
When compared with the pain
Of never risking love.

Hilary Stanton Zunin


Hugs,
Mizz


----------



## mergirl (Nov 2, 2009)

I woke up crying in the middle of the night last night because i dreamed that my gf had died. I felt so much relief to wake to see her still there. You are so right about not taking anyone for granted and making sure you make the most your time with them. I know i have said before on fb but GD and i are both sending you our thoughts.. so sorry for your loss. xx


----------



## steely (Nov 2, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I woke up crying in the middle of the night last night because i dreamed that my gf had died. I felt so much relief to wake to see her still there. You are so right about not taking anyone for granted and making sure you make the most your time with them. I know i have said before on fb but GD and i are both sending you our thoughts.. so sorry for your loss. xx



Oh sweetie, I'm sorry that you dreamed that. It is so important to let the people in your life know what they mean to you. It's the one positive message I can give in all this pain and sorrow. Make sure you tell people in your life how much and what they mean to you. 

I know you and GD are thinking of me and I appreciate it so much. I start counseling this afternoon and I'm hoping that they will be able to help me find a way to deal with the pain, the loss and the sorrow. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.


----------



## Tad (Nov 2, 2009)

I'm so, so, sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences.


----------



## OneWickedAngel (Nov 2, 2009)

{{{{{{ AMY }}}}}

Yes, life is short and unfortunately, it is a lesson none of us truly learn except the hard way. 

Whine, laugh, wail do whatever it takes to get you to the next moment; hell to the next breath if it that is what comes down to; because sometimes a day at a time is too much to handle in the beginning. It is human nature to push the grieving to heal quickly because no one wants to dwell on their own respective mortality. Do not feel you have to say you're okay if you really aren't at the moment. The time it takes is different for each person; don't go by someone else's barometer. 

You and your husband had twelve years together; hold on to that love and that of your friends and family, in real life as well as here on Dims to help you through. You will get to peace eventually.


----------



## steely (Nov 2, 2009)

Just wanted to tell everyone I went to counseling this evening and it was alright. I felt safe and I could talk about Harold and the pain and sorrow and the crushing loss I feel. It was a good thing to do and I'm glad I did it. I seemed to be able to comfort others in the group as well. I will be going back and working my way through this.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, you will never know how much your words kept me sane, when in truth I could have lost my mind. I think it's going to hurt for a long time but I will make it through.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 2, 2009)

steely said:


> Just wanted to tell everyone I went to counseling this evening and it was alright. I felt safe and I could talk about Harold and the pain and sorrow and the crushing loss I feel. It was a good thing to do and I'm glad I did it. I seemed to be able to comfort others in the group as well. I will be going back and working my way through this.
> 
> Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, you will never know how much your words kept me sane, when in truth I could have lost my mind. I think it's going to hurt for a long time but I will make it through.



I am so glad you reached out and found some support at this difficult time in your life. I can see how meeting with others in the same situation and helping each other makes you feel stronger and good about yourself. You seem like the type of person that needs to be needed....and I think helping others in this group probably helps to fill in the big void, just a little, that Harold left in his passing.


----------



## Frankie (Nov 2, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss, Steely. I can't imagine how devastated you are.

If and when you're ready, I hope you'll share some of your memories of Harold. I think it's important to let the world know that someone special has passed. For a few moments, to have the world stop and acknowledge that there has been a great loss.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 2, 2009)

Frankie said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss, Steely. I can't imagine how devastated you are.
> 
> *If and when you're ready, I hope you'll share some of your memories of Harold.* I think it's important to let the world know that someone special has passed. For a few moments, to have the world stop and acknowledge that there has been a great loss.



I think this is a great idea, when/if Amy ever cares to share that way.


----------



## mergirl (Nov 3, 2009)

steely said:


> Just wanted to tell everyone I went to counseling this evening and it was alright. I felt safe and I could talk about Harold and the pain and sorrow and the crushing loss I feel. It was a good thing to do and I'm glad I did it. I seemed to be able to comfort others in the group as well. I will be going back and working my way through this.
> 
> Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, you will never know how much your words kept me sane, when in truth I could have lost my mind. I think it's going to hurt for a long time but I will make it through.


I am so glad you went for some counselling. Its a really brave step and i hope it helps you work through some of your feelings of grief. GD sort of bottled up her feelings after her mum died and she ended up with depression and post traumatic stress and this is now just about the time of the 3rd aniversary of her mothers death. She is finally about to make the leap and see a grief counseller and i'm so proud of her for that as she finds it difficult to talk about things that are so personal. Good luck with the counselling and take care of you!! xxLisa


----------



## Brenda (Nov 4, 2009)

I am so sorry that your dear husband passed away. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling and pray that time will ease the pain and leave behind only the wonderful memories of your time together.


Brenda


----------



## Surlysomething (Nov 7, 2009)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


----------



## HottiMegan (Nov 7, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}}


----------



## ssflbelle (Nov 9, 2009)

Steely
I just came across this post today and I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing. I am glad to hear that you are going to counseling as I am sure that will help you get through this difficult. I lost my dad Nov 1st so perhaps that is why I didn't see this post until now. The difference was we were expecting his death. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember all the good you had in the 12 years you were together.


----------



## steely (Nov 10, 2009)

ssflbelle said:


> Steely
> I just came across this post today and I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing. I am glad to hear that you are going to counseling as I am sure that will help you get through this difficult. I lost my dad Nov 1st so perhaps that is why I didn't see this post until now. The difference was we were expecting his death. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember all the good you had in the 12 years you were together.



Thank you, I'm sorry for your loss as well. Whether it is sudden or expected the loss of someone you love is so hard. Counseling is helping and I'm not afraid of asking for help. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Please take care of yourself and I am thinking of you as well.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Nov 16, 2009)

I am so sorry to read this, Steely, and very glad you are reaching for help. I am thinking of you.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Nov 16, 2009)

Steely, I agree that the suddenness of it makes it much harder to deal with, because how can you prepare yourself for it. Not that anyone can truly prepare for loss, because I don't think you can, but at least you know it's coming -- not blindsided as you were.

I hope that you can get some comfort and help from being with others, even though their experiences are so different from yours. I know you're having a very hard time. I wish you peace and healing. I'm sure your heart is breaking right now; if I could take that pain away, even a little, I would.


----------



## mergirl (Nov 17, 2009)

I think it is a shame that when people die suddenly it seems so much worse on the family because of the shock, because for most people they way they would ideally like to die, when it is their time, is suddenly. I remember my grandad died very suddenly a few years ago, basically he got up, made a cup of tea and then went to bed and died. In many ways everyone was thinking that for him it was the best was to go, but for his family it was very jarring and unexpected. 
On the other hand My gf talks about nursing her mother through Cancer until she died and it sounds horrific both for the family and for the person who is dying. I agree with Vicky, that you can never truly prepare for loss but perhaps eventually you might find some comfort that his death was not long and drawn out and that he did not suffer.


----------



## steely (Nov 17, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I think it is a shame that when people die suddenly it seems so much worse on the family because of the shock, because for most people they way they would ideally like to die, when it is their time, is suddenly. I remember my grandad died very suddenly a few years ago, basically he got up, made a cup of tea and then went to bed and died. In many ways everyone was thinking that for him it was the best was to go, but for his family it was very jarring and unexpected.
> On the other hand My gf talks about nursing her mother through Cancer until she died and it sounds horrific both for the family and for the person who is dying. I agree with Vicky, that you can never truly prepare for loss but perhaps eventually you might find some comfort that his death was not long and drawn out and that he did not suffer.



I am thankful in a way that Harold passed the way he did. It was relatively short although it seemed an eternity. I always thought that he would be with me for maybe 10 more years and then he would get lung cancer and I would have to watch him die that way. Harold was a big smoker and had been since he was 11.

I don't know that either way is better or not. It is still loss and crushing pain. It is still something I am trying to process. It's not going as well as I had hoped.


----------



## mergirl (Nov 17, 2009)

steely said:


> I am thankful in a way that Harold passed the way he did. It was relatively short although it seemed an eternity. I always thought that he would be with me for maybe 10 more years and then he would get lung cancer and I would have to watch him die that way. Harold was a big smoker and had been since he was 11.
> 
> I don't know that either way is better or not. It is still loss and crushing pain. It is still something I am trying to process. It's not going as well as I had hoped.


It has been such a short time since he died. I know that you think you are not coping as well as you would have hoped but you have to be patient with yourself. You have suffered a horrific loss and trauma and need lots of time to heal and even to begin to feel anything like the real you again. I think it shows amazing strength and determination that you have been posting here and have been going to therapy etc. 
How had you hoped you would have been feeling now? 
I think we can never know in what ways a death of someone is going to affect us, we only know when it happens..but then i have not had a partner die so i have really no idea of all the things you must be going through right now.


----------



## steely (Nov 17, 2009)

I'm not sure how to do this grief thing, Mer. I'm not sure what I expected of myself. Having never lived through someone's death, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. It's all so vague and amorphous. It's hard to get a handle on how it's supposed to be or if it's even supposed to be anything.

I had a woman at grief counseling tell me, you are handling this very well. I told her, you don't see me fall apart, like this past Friday. I look good on the outside, I guess. I just don't know how or what I'm supposed to do. Thanks for listening, Mer and everyone else who have been so kind during this traumatic time. I really do appreciate all of you, more than you know.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 18, 2009)

Amy there is no right or wrong way to handle grief...We all handle it differently...The grieving process for us all is as different and unique as we are..Please do not beat yourself up if you think you are handling something the wrong way....Do what makes you feel better,do what gets you through the day,do this your way..Just remember you are not alone,we are here for you....

I lost my oldest brother from a stomach aneurysm 4 months before my Mother passed away...When I lost my first brother,I felt like I had been gut punched and felt that the second time as well,I just could not fall to pieces the second time like I did the first because I was trying to come to terms with my Mother slowing dying..I had shut myself off emotionally and refused to cry at his funeral..I knew once I did begin to cry I would not stop for some time and I couldn't be that way and take care of my Mom...Even during my Mom's last days I would not cry..When I finally did cry it was the night she went into the hospital for the last time...I had gone home to sleep but she was calling for me so my brother called and told me to come back....I went in to her room and spoke to her,she opened her eyes and looked at me then said very slowly,Linda I am dying....I cried then and told her to go back to sleep it would all be okay...I did not cry at her funeral..It took me about 3 months to finally break down,I spent the next long months in bed crying and being sad..


----------



## mergirl (Nov 18, 2009)

steely said:


> I'm not sure how to do this grief thing, Mer. I'm not sure what I expected of myself. Having never lived through someone's death, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. It's all so vague and amorphous. It's hard to get a handle on how it's supposed to be or if it's even supposed to be anything.
> 
> I had a woman at grief counseling tell me, you are handling this very well. I told her, you don't see me fall apart, like this past Friday. I look good on the outside, I guess. I just don't know how or what I'm supposed to do.



I think as a society, Americans and The British are very good at really not talking about death and trying to ignore it as long as is possible (until someone you love dies). I think thats why its really hard to know how to feel, what to do, to behave. When one of my friends died i remember feeling very unrealistic. I think it was almost unfathomable to me that i would never see him again (well in this life, depending on what you belive).. i had so many feelings- They sort of did follow the sterotyped pattern..which are ment to be (i think!!): Shock, Denial, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. hmm ive missed one out.. but i'm sure it can be googled. 
I read a bit about grief because i wanted to know more about what GD was going through, and while i was sad and i feel i went through certain phases when i lost my friend, what i felt didn't even touch what GD went through. 
Everything i read pretty much said the same, that no person goes through the same thing. The phases are only a guideline and you might not feel one or you can feel them in different orders. You might feel none of them. 
I think the woman at the group was maby trying to give you a compliment as to how strong you appeared, which i can imagine must be frustrating when you feel like you are falling apart internally for a lot of the time. The people at the group might not be feeling exactly what you are but they will have been through a lot of the same things. I hope that you will be able to pick out the parts that help you. xx


----------



## OneWickedAngel (Nov 18, 2009)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> *Amy there is no right or wrong way to handle grief...We all handle it differently...*The grieving process for us all is as different and unique as we are..Please do not beat yourself up if you think you are handling something the wrong way....Do what makes you feel better,do what gets you through the day,do this your way..Just remember you are not alone,we are here for you....
> 
> ...snip...



^^THAT^^^ When I lost my husband three years ago I got so sick of being told how well I was doing, how strong I am, because I did not just crumble and fall apart every twenty seconds. Do not feel there is a set timetable, a certain order, or a proper form to grief. You are exactly where you need to be in _YOUR _grieving process. When it's time to transition to the next stage, you will do so without even thinking about it.


----------



## steely (Nov 18, 2009)

OneWickedAngel said:


> ^^THAT^^^ When I lost my husband three years ago I got so sick of being told how well I was doing, how strong I am, because I did not just crumble and fall apart every twenty seconds. Do not feel there is a set timetable, a certain order, or a proper form to grief. You are exactly where you need to be in _YOUR _grieving process. When it's time to transition to the next stage, you will do so without even thinking about it.



I hope you are right. I feel so out of control right now. It's completely surreal. I was sitting in my bedroom chair and the box that holds my husband's ashes was sitting on the foot of the bed. I thought to myself, my husband is sitting on the foot of the bed. I try to figure it out but my brain won't let me go there. It moves my mind to something else. It's a very strange process.


----------



## steely (Nov 18, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I think as a society, Americans and The British are very good at really not talking about death and trying to ignore it as long as is possible (until someone you love dies). I think thats why its really hard to know how to feel, what to do, to behave. When one of my friends died i remember feeling very unrealistic. I think it was almost unfathomable to me that i would never see him again (well in this life, depending on what you belive).. i had so many feelings- They sort of did follow the sterotyped pattern..which are ment to be (i think!!): Shock, Denial, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. hmm ive missed one out.. but i'm sure it can be googled.
> I read a bit about grief because i wanted to know more about what GD was going through, and while i was sad and i feel i went through certain phases when i lost my friend, what i felt didn't even touch what GD went through.
> Everything i read pretty much said the same, that no person goes through the same thing. The phases are only a guideline and you might not feel one or you can feel them in different orders. You might feel none of them.
> I think the woman at the group was maby trying to give you a compliment as to how strong you appeared, which i can imagine must be frustrating when you feel like you are falling apart internally for a lot of the time. The people at the group might not be feeling exactly what you are but they will have been through a lot of the same things. I hope that you will be able to pick out the parts that help you. xx



I know she was trying to be kind and I do appreciate her thoughts. I just don't know and I am a person who likes lists. I like taking charge and accomplishing things. I think it's so vague and that is my problem. I can't just go through and mark things off the list. Anger, check, denial check, you know. I know the fault lies within me. I'm just a mess. I know I'm being too hard on myself, I'm supposed to be kind to myself. I just don't know.


----------



## steely (Nov 18, 2009)

BubbleButtBabe said:


> Amy there is no right or wrong way to handle grief...We all handle it differently...The grieving process for us all is as different and unique as we are..Please do not beat yourself up if you think you are handling something the wrong way....Do what makes you feel better,do what gets you through the day,do this your way..Just remember you are not alone,we are here for you....
> 
> I lost my oldest brother from a stomach aneurysm 4 months before my Mother passed away...When I lost my first brother,I felt like I had been gut punched and felt that the second time as well,I just could not fall to pieces the second time like I did the first because I was trying to come to terms with my Mother slowing dying..I had shut myself off emotionally and refused to cry at his funeral..I knew once I did begin to cry I would not stop for some time and I couldn't be that way and take care of my Mom...Even during my Mom's last days I would not cry..When I finally did cry it was the night she went into the hospital for the last time...I had gone home to sleep but she was calling for me so my brother called and told me to come back....I went in to her room and spoke to her,she opened her eyes and looked at me then said very slowly,Linda I am dying....I cried then and told her to go back to sleep it would all be okay...I did not cry at her funeral..It took me about 3 months to finally break down,I spent the next long months in bed crying and being sad..



Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this was hard on you. It gives me hope that one day I might be alright or at least come to terms with it.


----------



## Elfcat (Nov 18, 2009)

steely said:


> I feel that I can share with everyone that I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. He died of a brain aneurism. His mind was gone before he left the driveway in the ambulance, his body lived for 4 days after the aneurism. He wasn't in there, in his body.
> 
> As some of you know, I have been working very hard to get healthy, get my diabetes under control, losing weight, all in the expectation of giving my husband 25 years. He always said, 25 years but as it happened it was only 12 years. I am grateful for those 12 years. He was a good man and loved me like no one ever has.



It is as I wrote once in response to one fellow who asked how worried about longevity of a partner he should be: if one takes being a life-mate seriously, there are two possible outcomes, you will bury her or she will bury you. My first wife went in for a broken leg and was comatose the next I saw her. I waited till our tenth anniversary - when she wanted to renew our vows - to see if she would wake, and then made a decision that gave me a lot of sympathy for Mr. Shiavo nearly a year later. Truly it is something that leaves its mark, and your joy in remembering and grief at reaching over in bed and hugging thin air will come as they will.

Where to go from here is something no one can dictate to you. It will take time and some pain, but know that we are here to walk with you in the dark places.

Actually, one woman I knew mainly from her voice on the radio just passed away, a bold BBW named Andrea Lewis who hosted the morning show and more recently the Sunday Sedition show on KPFA. One never knows how long a shining light will burn.


----------



## steely (Nov 19, 2009)

Elfcat said:


> It is as I wrote once in response to one fellow who asked how worried about longevity of a partner he should be: if one takes being a life-mate seriously, there are two possible outcomes, you will bury her or she will bury you. My first wife went in for a broken leg and was comatose the next I saw her. I waited till our tenth anniversary - when she wanted to renew our vows - to see if she would wake, and then made a decision that gave me a lot of sympathy for Mr. Shiavo nearly a year later. Truly it is something that leaves its mark, and your joy in remembering and grief at reaching over in bed and hugging thin air will come as they will.
> 
> Where to go from here is something no one can dictate to you. It will take time and some pain, but know that we are here to walk with you in the dark places.
> 
> Actually, one woman I knew mainly from her voice on the radio just passed away, a bold BBW named Andrea Lewis who hosted the morning show and more recently the Sunday Sedition show on KPFA. One never knows how long a shining light will burn.



Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps to hear these stories and know that other's have walked this path and come out on the other side. It gives me hope that I, too will make it. I am sorry for your loss. It's really hard to make that decision. Harold could have lived indefinitely, his body was strong but that was not what he wanted, so I let him go.


----------



## OneWickedAngel (Nov 19, 2009)

steely said:


> I hope you are right. I feel so out of control right now. It's completely surreal. I was sitting in my bedroom chair and the box that holds my husband's ashes was sitting on the foot of the bed. I* thought to myself, my husband is sitting on the foot of the bed. I try to figure it out but my brain won't let me go there.* It moves my mind to something else. It's a very strange process.



{{{{Amy}}}} 
I was able to refer to my self as a widow semi-easily in the beginning because it I could not refer to Bill as "dead" at all for well over a year. I could easily say other people were dead, but not him; the words "Bill" and "dead" in the same sentence simply would not connect. It took even longer to stop referring to him in the present tense and naturally start saying "my late husband". 

You're about to slam head-on into what was the hardest part of it all for me, the first major holidays with out him. Your friends/family are going to drive you crazy either by checking up on you for what feels like every other second, or by walking on eggshells around you or by trying to gloss over it and all the platitudes you've already heard ad nauseum, will be repeated tri-fold. Keep reminding yourself, they/we all mean well. Some bumps you're going to plow through, some are going to need some time to traverse; go at your own speed. This too is part of the very strange process. 

You will be there when you get there.


----------



## steely (Nov 19, 2009)

OneWickedAngel said:


> {{{{Amy}}}}
> I was able to refer to my self as a widow semi-easily in the beginning because it I could not refer to Bill as "dead" at all for well over a year. I could easily say other people were dead, but not him; the words "Bill" and "dead" in the same sentence simply would not connect. It took even longer to stop referring to him in the present tense and naturally start saying "my late husband".
> 
> You're about to slam head-on into what was the hardest part of it all for me, the first major holidays with out him. Your friends/family are going to drive you crazy either by checking up on you for what feels like every other second, or by walking on eggshells around you or by trying to gloss over it and all the platitudes you've already heard ad nauseum, will be repeated tri-fold. Keep reminding yourself, they/we all mean well. Some bumps you're going to plow through, some are going to need some time to traverse; go at your own speed. This too is part of the very strange process.
> ...



I know it's going to be a really horrible month or two, and even now no one asks me how I'm doing. They will ask my mother how I'm doing, in hushed tones. I find it really annoying but I know they mean well. They don't want to upset me. I still refer to my husband in the present tense and I'm sure I will for a long time.


----------



## mergirl (Nov 19, 2009)

steely said:


> I know it's going to be a really horrible month or two, and even now no one asks me how I'm doing. They will ask my mother how I'm doing, in hushed tones. I find it really annoying but I know they mean well. They don't want to upset me. I still refer to my husband in the present tense and I'm sure I will for a long time.


I was reading a book (and i can't actually even remember what it was now!). It was talking about when people die, how you lose other things like how you have to relate to that person in words. "My mum did" and not "My mum does"- Almost as if you have to learn a whole new way of speaking. I don't think it matters how you refer to your husband. You should refer to him in whatever way you feel you can/ want to. (Oh actually i think the book might have been 'tuedays with morrie'..which i would recomend at some point, maby not while you are so newly sore but it is sad and about death but also hopeful and about life..hmm sorry for the rambles Amy)- I remember in the book it said "Death ends a life, not a relationship". I though this was quite beautiful because in a way even though we have lost so much, we have not lost everything, like our shared experiences and our memories. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy, but i liked the thought that we still have relationships with those who have died, even in some way.


----------



## BubbleButtBabe (Nov 19, 2009)

mergirl said:


> I remember in the book it said "Death ends a life, not a relationship". I though this was quite beautiful because in a way even though we have lost so much, we have not lost everything, like our shared experiences and our memories. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy, but i liked the thought that we still have relationships with those who have died, even in some way.




I think that is very profound...You are right just because a person dies it does not mean we did not still share a relationship with them..It is just in a different way...I still talk to my Mom and brothers when things are bothering me...I still share all of my life with them...

When my g'baby was born the first thing I did was tell my Mom how beautiful she was and how much she would have loved her..To this day I talk to my Mom about how much she is growing and how she has both her Mom's and Dad's personalities..It gives me peace...


----------

