# What Do You Say to Ppl Concerned About Your Weight?



## squeezablysoft (May 15, 2016)

*I just got off the phone with my mom, she says "you need to lose some weight cause I don't want you to become a blob and die young from a heart attack". I know she worries cause a lot of my relatives were morbidly obese and died of heart disease at an early age. I told her my numbers are good (blood pressure and cholesterol low side of normal, sugar normal but on the high side, upper 90's) and my doctor doesn't seem concerned about it (I did only see the nurse practitioner before, going to see the MD in June), didn't even bother weighing me, which granted is difficult to do with me being unable to stand from my cp. But she said I should mention my family history to the dr when I go and I said I will. I mostly just "yes Mom'd" her through the whole thing, is there any better response to concerned friends/ family? And since we live in different states so she won't see me growing, do you think when I get heavier I should start fudging a bit when she asks about my weight, so she won't worry?*


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 15, 2016)

At this point in my life, I tend to not reallllyyyyy believe people when they say it's "concern for my health". It's usually about their discomfort and an attempt to control you, IMO. 

My doctor told me I need to lose some weight recently....she hasn't ever harassed me about it so I tend to believe her. 

As far as I'm concerned, she's the only person who gets to tell me such a thing. End.of.story.


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## loopytheone (May 16, 2016)

Well given that you are a full grown adult, I really don't see that it is any of your mother's business. That said, when I was younger and living with my mother she did used to pester me about my weight and make comments all the time. I have a history of eating disorders so it wasn't until I literally told her that she was saying 'hey, remember when you were so physically and mentally ill you nearly died? Be more like that again!' that she shut up about it.


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## choudhury (May 16, 2016)

I think there are really mixed motivations for such expressions of 'concern.' Courtney Mina has written eloquently about 'concern trolls' on the internet, which in her case would be people who are drawn to follow her online and yet simultaneously feel impelled to express 'concern' over her health. In this case, I suspect what's really going on is repressed attraction from FAs who can't admit what they actually want; or else women who are mortified by suppressed jealousy that a woman who doesn't constantly fight to be thin is nonetheless rewarded with considerable admiration from men.

As for loved ones, well, status is a huge motivation, for instance. Thinness is (in effect) a status symbol in our culture, so be associated with a fat person can, for some, be a source of status anxiety. I'm not sure the people expressing concern would put it this way, but I think that's a big part of what's going on. Health becomes a pretext for articulating the deeper issue. My parents used to express concern over my wife-to-be's weight in health terms. I'm quite confident the real issue was discomfort over their son choosing a partner who doesn't fit the standard definitions of attractive (because she's fat). Now in that case, after three or four rounds of this I simply told them that I never want to hear any such commentary again. They could see it was a non-negotiable issue, so that's been the end of it. Whether such a hard line will work for everyone, I don't know.


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## Tad (May 16, 2016)

choudhury said:


> As for loved ones, well, status is a huge motivation, for instance. Thinness is (in effect) a status symbol in our culture, so be associated with a fat person can, for some, be a source of status anxiety. I'm not sure the people expressing concern would put it this way, but I think that's a big part of what's going on. Health becomes a pretext for articulating the deeper issue.



And of course, if your child is fat you have clearly failed as a parent in your duty to guide them to the one true mean of acceptable body standards  To a lesser extent if your child has a fat partner either they have deviant tastes or they have failed to guide/control their partner, which still shows that you didn't mold them into proper conformists.

I'm overstating things there, but parents do get a lot of pressure about how they raise their kids, and it can insidiously get into your head. Not saying that is a valid reason to then be awful to your kids, just saying it can be hard to resist. (My son is finishing high-school this year, so we are getting all the comparisons about which universities various kids are applying to and getting accepted at, scholarships, etc. Makes it really hard some days to resist remarks of 'well, if you worked a bit harder on your calculus maybe you'd also be going to school X like co-worker's son Y is doing!')

ETA: On the original question of what do I say, mostly I’ve just shut the conversation down in some way, varying from “I’m really not interested in talking about that” to change of topic to what I’m currently looking forward to using, if the opportunity arises: “Honestly, I could so easily be so much fatter than I am. I could be somewhat thinner, but for someone who was over 30 pounds at their one year check-up, and almost 50% heavier than almost all of the of the other kids in grade one -- overall I think I’m doing not too badly.”


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## squeezablysoft (May 17, 2016)

Tad said:


> ETA: On the original question of what do I say, mostly Ive just shut the conversation down in some way, varying from Im really not interested in talking about that to change of topic to what Im currently looking forward to using, if the opportunity arises: Honestly, I could so easily be so much fatter than I am. I could be somewhat thinner, but for someone who was over 30 pounds at their one year check-up, and almost 50% heavier than almost all of the of the other kids in grade one -- overall I think Im doing not too badly.



*Yeah, I kinda did a version of that. Considering that I come from a morbidly obese family, have a disability which makes it very difficult for me to get even mild physical activity, and have hypothyroidism (yep, I'm one of those "fat ppl with a 'glandular problem'" lol), it is something of a minor miracle I'm merely overweight (not yet obese) when I could be much bigger. I pretty much said it like that to mom and she conceded that much is true. She already raised one fat kid, one of my brothers was always a chunky kid and now as an adult is well past 300#s by my best guess. 

Her comments are a little easier to take now that I am grown and no longer living with her. As a child it used to really hurt (the fact that even then some small part of me knew I liked being fat didn't help much), and though she never put me on any official kind of "diet", she did restrict my eating somewhat (I always loved school lunch and parties and visits to friends' houses, even when I was very young "watching" what I ate felt like holding my breath and being able to eat without restrictions felt like finally coming up for air). She herself has always been skinny, went home from the hospital after my "big" brother was born in a pair of jeans she wore pre-pregnancy, never even went through a childhood chubby stage (whereas I never outgrew mine, the baby fat just spread out to cover a bigger area!), and could go all day forgetting to eat (I kinda worry sometimes if she is eating enough now that I'm gone and she doesn't have to stop what she's doing to feed me several times a day). So I don't think she really understands what it's like to be fat. *


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## Fleur (Dec 16, 2016)

Don't worry, I'm happy! 
Live and let live!


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## Tracyarts (Dec 16, 2016)

Here's where I am at this stage in my life:

I tell them, you know, I'm really concerned about my health too, which is why I've made some major changes in my diet and lifestyle. What would really help me out would be a new pair of walking shoes, some activewear in my size, a treadmill and a bicycle rated for my weight, some healthy snacks, and some grocery store gift cards so I can work more organic whole foods into my shopping budget. What email address can I send my Amazon wish list to you at? 

The way I see it, if they're concerned enough to comment, they ought to be concerned enough to put their money where their mouth is.


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## Dromond (Dec 18, 2016)

My response to concern trolls is, "mind your own damn business."


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## LarryTheNoodleGuy (Dec 19, 2016)

Grow some teeth and use them!
People get to comment around me exactly once.
"If you don't take shit, people can't give you shit." 
Luck. xo


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## Dr. Feelgood (Dec 19, 2016)

There is a significant difference between expressions of concern from those who know and love you and those who don't. When friends or family express concern, the best thing you can do is reassure them, quoting your doctor and vital stats if necessary. You won't convince them, because there is a multi-billion-dollar weight loss industry spending gazillions on advertising to promote the idea that weight loss is essential for _everyone_. But you will reassure them that you are paying attention to them, and that you love them, which will probably make you both feel a bit better. As for officious strangers, I like Tracyarts' reply: it shows that you realize how phony they are, but in an immaculately polite way. Plus, you might score a sweatsuit that way some day.


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## adam (Dec 19, 2016)

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## tonynyc (Dec 20, 2016)

My weight ... My business....


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## AmandaLynn (Dec 23, 2016)

Thank you, of course I'll have seconds.


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## Tad (Dec 23, 2016)

There are some occasions when coming from a very WASP area is convenient, and this is one of them. I’ve never had anyone be direct about it, so I always respond to the words and not to the underlying point. 

“You are looking … “_prosperous_” “thank you”, 

“How are things? Staying healthy?” “Things are good, and yep! How about you?” 

“Don’t get too relaxed in the hot tub -- not sure I could pull you out if you fell asleep and started to drown, ha-ha.” “You are right, you probably couldn’t. I’ll make sure to stay awake.” 

“Would anyone like seconds? I’m sure none of us need it, but there is enough if you want some.” (either ask for seconds or not, depending on what I want, don’t respond to the &#8216;need’ part).

That sort of thing.


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## AmandaLynn (Dec 23, 2016)

Tad said:


> You are looking  _prosperous_



*** poke poke ***


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## Kristal (Dec 23, 2016)

I pretend that I did not hear what they said...


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## AmandaLynn (Dec 23, 2016)

Kristal said:


> I pretend that I did not hear what they said...



It's so much more fun to shine them on.


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## Fleur (Dec 24, 2016)

AmandaLynn said:


> It's so much more fun to shine them on.



Indeed. Amanda you're right


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## AmyJo1976 (Dec 28, 2016)

AmandaLynn said:


> It's so much more fun to shine them on.


 
That sounds like something I would say


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## AmandaLynn (Dec 29, 2016)

AmyJo1976 said:


> That sounds like something I would say



It really does.


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## jbason (Dec 29, 2016)

My usual response to the question:
"Have you lost some weight?"
is 
"Hmm. Have you found some?


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