# Don't Even Know Why I'm Here



## shadowedmorning (Oct 17, 2014)

I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I can barely stand to leave the house. Online, I'm popular, and people even say I'm pretty (I've gotten very good at taking pictures). 

But I know if they were to see me in person, see how fat I am, they would probably never speak to me again. And I hate knowing that. And I hate myself for being this way. I'm ashamed. 

I guess I'm here because I needed to find a place where I don't have to pretend I'm not exactly what I am. I don't even know if this is the right place, but I'm running out of places to look. 

I just want to not hate myself for 5 minutes.


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## Saisha (Oct 17, 2014)

Hi  You are definitely in the right place to be appreciated! There are people of all ages, sizes, weights, shapes, heights, and significant other preferences. Take the time to look through different threads - especially those with photos - I think you will be pleasantly surprised - this place is nothing but supportive!!!  Oh, and there is a great amount of support here too for all kinds of issues you might be feeling or experiencing.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 19, 2014)

Thank you.  I will definitely take a look.


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## Saoirse (Oct 19, 2014)

Yea this is good place for you to look around and get to know people who are fat and absolutely loving life. 


But I will warn you that your journey to self-love will be fraught with men who dont think you are fat enough, and that can be a pain in the ass. People on this board are fat-accepting/loving, and some people want bigger bigger bigger. Dont let them get to you!


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## Ruby Ripples (Oct 19, 2014)

Saoirse said:


> Yea this is good place for you to look around and get to know people who are fat and absolutely loving life.
> 
> 
> But I will warn you that your journey to self-love will be fraught with men who dont think you are fat enough, and that can be a pain in the ass. People on this board are fat-accepting/loving, and some people want bigger bigger bigger. Dont let them get to you!



And the ones that tell you outright that you are "too fat for me". I had several men tell me on here over the years that "I don't usually go for ssbbw, but I'd make an exception for you". They would then be utterly baffled and pissed off when I gave them short shrift as they couldn't see that they'd said anything wrong. Lost count of how many said I was too fat for them. Every last one of them being men that had come onto ME, never the other way round. Weirdos, lol.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 19, 2014)

Not think I'm fat enough? *looks down at belly* Impossible! lol

Thank you, everyone.


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## loopytheone (Oct 20, 2014)

I think a lot of people go through periods of feeling utterly unhappy with themselves but you can and will get through it. I know when I was younger I saw myself as absolutely grotesque and hideous and avoided mirrors or going out or anything like that because it made me feel ill to look at myself. But little by little I learnt to accept myself and to see myself for what I am, not what I 'think' I am, if that makes sense.

I still have trouble looking at my face but you can get better and feel better about yourself. I hope you managed to find happiness and acceptance for yourself as you are.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 20, 2014)

That definitely makes sense. I know maybe I see myself in a worse light than everyone else sees me. 

I think the thing that tends to drag me down the most is I'll look in the mirror and be kind of okay with it, and then I'll catch myself at an angle where I can really see how big my belly is or how thick my arms are or how fat my face is, and it's like getting my legs kicked out from under me. I go from feeling okay to feeling like a monster in 2 seconds flat.


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## loopytheone (Oct 20, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> That definitely makes sense. I know maybe I see myself in a worse light than everyone else sees me.
> 
> I think the thing that tends to drag me down the most is I'll look in the mirror and be kind of okay with it, and then I'll catch myself at an angle where I can really see how big my belly is or how thick my arms are or how fat my face is, and it's like getting my legs kicked out from under me. I go from feeling okay to feeling like a monster in 2 seconds flat.



I know exactly how you feel. I get this too, it is like being kicked in the stomach to see myself unexpectedly sometimes. But I am sure that both of us will learn to get over it in time.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Oct 20, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> I know maybe I see myself in a worse light than everyone else sees me.



No kidding! If you look _anything_ like your avatar pic, you are _super_ cute! :smitten:

It's worth remembering that your brain doesn't just record your perceptions; it edits them. *Heavily*. For example, when I met my wife, she thought she was very fat. In fact, she was curvy, but somewhat on the slender side. Last year she found a picture taken when we were dating and was stunned to see that she wasn't fat at all! At the time her mind had distorted her image like a funhouse mirror. You may have a similar experience to hers a few years down the road.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 20, 2014)

*Blush* Thank you! That's my most recent picture, but I am pretty darn good at manipulating camera angles. >.>

I did have an experience like that once. When I was in college, I thought I was just the fattest thing on the entire planet. Years later I stumbled on the picture and realized that I really wasn't big at all back then.


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## FluffyButterfly80 (Oct 20, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> That definitely makes sense. I know maybe I see myself in a worse light than everyone else sees me.
> 
> I think the thing that tends to drag me down the most is I'll look in the mirror and be kind of okay with it, and then I'll catch myself at an angle where I can really see how big my belly is or how thick my arms are or how fat my face is, and it's like getting my legs kicked out from under me. I go from feeling okay to feeling like a monster in 2 seconds flat.



Girl, you are not alone!! I've only recently started learning to think i am just fine the way I am. I'm like you in the fact that I've gotten good with camera angles. Also in that I'll look in the mirror while getting ready to leave for the day thinking i look pretty darn good... then i walk by a window or a full mirror and i feel myself just deflate. It's a crappy feeling... and it's a slow process to get past it. But i'm getting better at it all the time. This is definitely a good place to start. Everyone here is so supportive (as you are seeing here!). I wish you all the luck and I hope you begin to start stting yourself the way the rest of us see you asap!! 



shadowedmorning said:


> *Blush* Thank you! That's my most recent picture, but I am pretty darn good at manipulating camera angles. >.>
> 
> I did have an experience like that once. When I was in college, I thought I was just the fattest thing on the entire planet. Years later I stumbled on the picture and realized that I really wasn't big at all back then.



I've also been through this whole picture thing. I remember back in my early 20s thinking i was just huge and disgusting... I've since gained about 60 lbs.. i look back at those pics of me in the low 200's and think "Man, i was cute." We are our own worst critics!


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 21, 2014)

I am really struck by all of the support here; I'm so used to hiding all of this as much as possible, it's a relief to let go of some of it.


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## FluffyButterfly80 (Oct 21, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> I am really struck by all of the support here; I'm so used to hiding all of this as much as possible, it's a relief to let go of some of it.




Isn't it though!? I'm glad u found us!


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## superodalisque (Oct 22, 2014)

be careful. don't read too much into it. have fun. make friends. but don't take it too seriously. there are just as many full of BS about your being too thin as others who say you're too fat for them. the really wonderful people are the ones who don't care what size you are they see you and just care that you're you and they think it's YOU who is actually beautiful. the rest is a load of hooey.


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## phelan4022 (Oct 23, 2014)

The best people on Dims won't ever care whether you are fat or thin, only that you are happy and healthy. Some of us just happen to be attracted to curvaceousness as well. Regardless, the self-confidence that comes with being happy and healthy is the most beautiful thing any person can have, big or little, short or tall. The soul that glows behind your eyes is where beauty really comes from. The rest is just the vessel that holds it. Welcome to Dims.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 23, 2014)

Thank you, guys! I try not to take things too seriously in general, so we're good there. 

I'm already starting to get some of the glow back, phelan; the encouragement I've received so far is a pretty spectacular thing.


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## phelan4022 (Oct 23, 2014)

That's wonderful. As others have said, there will still be some bad days. My significant other has Fibromyalgia, which is a neurological disorder that has NOTHING to do with weight, and she recently saw a new doc that basically told her she wouldn't have problems if she just lost weight. She knows that its wrong and stupid but it sets you back, regardless. She's back to feeling better now though! You can choose to listen to the world and all the negative people and react to their own lack of self-esteem or you can choose to feel good about yourself, the power is yours.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 23, 2014)

I had a coworker with fibromyalgia, and yeah, seems like the doctors like to come up with a lot of things that must be wrong with someone other than that. 

It might be dumb, but my perspective has completely changed this past week. I used to spend my time in public assuming that people automatically thought awful things about me, but since talking to all of you and reading the forums here, I now walk around thinking, "who knows, maybe that person thinks I'm hot. Could be!" 

It's a little thing, but it's making a difference in how I feel about myself, for sure.


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## phelan4022 (Oct 23, 2014)

Oh, I can guarantee there are people that think you are beautiful and sexy. You wouldn't believe how many guys fess up to being attracted to curvy ladies when I tell them I am. I'm very vocal about my attraction (if the topic comes up), partially for that reason.

I have also personally struggled with weight and self-esteem issues. Knowing (and accepting!) that there are people that admire you exactly the way you are is an excellent first strep on the road to loving yourself. And, seeing the difference in your mood just from your early posts here is amazing and empowering, to know that we can make even a little difference makes it all worth while. But, ultimately, it is what you think of yourself, not what others think, positive or negative, that matters. Still, you are off to a fantastic start and I, for one, am very proud of you. Congratulations.


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## Extinctor100 (Oct 25, 2014)

I plainly just find this thread inspiring.

I spend a lot of my time reaching out to people who are on a downward spiral and haven't reached the point you have, shadowedmorning, to sit down with the right group of people and say "give me something that can make a change for me." You have to _want_ the change. Seeing the change taking place for you has really uplifted my spirits and reassures me I'm doing the right thing by simply being there and being available for the people I know and love who just haven't reach the point where they _want_ a change.

I'm so happy for you that you decided to take down the walls and open up.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 25, 2014)

Thank you, guys! It's been an eye-opening experience so far. I can't say that I'm even close to confident all the time, but it's a pretty big shift. It's like I've been given permission to see myself as acceptable for the first time in my life; it's pretty big!

And definitely, Extinctor, I'm still amazed by all the support--if you're being there for someone, you're doing something right!


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## Deliciousdreams (Oct 25, 2014)

I just had to stop for a second and say thank you so much for this thread. I really needed to read this today. I have to go to work in a couple of hours and I'm the fattest girl in the office. To top it all off I'm the new girl, and also coming to terms with the fact that I'm a good 30 pounds heavier than I've ever been before due to 9 months of unemployment weight and it really shows. For the first time in my life my mental image of myself is far thinner (and fitter) than I actually am, and it makes it hard when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window or notice how huge my arms are or how round my face is as I do my makeup and hair every day. I'm adjusting, but slowly, and sometimes I feel really self conscious and down on myself even though I've never minded being a big girl in general. This thread really put it into perspective for me.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 25, 2014)

That makes me extremely happy.  I know exactly what you mean, especially after losing a bunch of weight and then gaining it back, my mental perception of myself is screwed up pretty badly in both directions, some days. 

Take a look around, though; at all these awesome people, and I'm starting to see that we're not alone and I'm not a monster. 

And I'll bet you're beautiful.


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## phelan4022 (Oct 25, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> That makes me extremely happy.  I know exactly what you mean, especially after losing a bunch of weight and then gaining it back, my mental perception of myself is screwed up pretty badly in both directions, some days.
> 
> Take a look around, though; at all these awesome people, and I'm starting to see that we're not alone and I'm not a monster.
> 
> And I'll bet you're beautiful.



Look at you! Paying it forward! That's what this is all about!


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD (Oct 26, 2014)

I used to be very insecure once I began to gain weight.I found a great,great guy and can't tell you how much he loves me and my curves.I've posted many pictures of myself many times and would NEVER have done that with his backing and the support I have gotten here.It is a very positive website!


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## Deliciousdreams (Oct 26, 2014)

I've been a serial yo-yo dieter for almost a decade now, but I haven't weighed less than 225 in at least 8 years. I'm currently dangerously close to The Big 300 at 296, and I'm trying very hard to accept the fact that one of the side effects of all of this up and down is that eventually your body has just had enough of the struggle and doesn't respond as well to the whole dieting thing anymore and you lose less weight with more effort and start gaining a ton as soon as you slack off even a bit. I'm really trying to accept the fact that it's time for me to stop struggling so hard, let my body stabilize where it will, and learn to love the person that I am regardless of how big I am because at the end of the day it's really not about that. It's about the person that you are rather than the person that everyone else sees. Some days are better than others. I'm just hoping for more good days and fewer self conscious moments. 

For whatever reason many people view fat acceptance as the easy way out. It most certainly is not. It is far easier to continue to give in to the notion that because you are large you must fix the "problem" than it is to accept that maybe the problem is with how you view yourself and the only real solution is to embrace the way things are. Loving yourself is one of the most difficult things for anybody to learn to do. I applaud anybody who gets out of bed in the morning and makes that effort.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 26, 2014)

Deliciousdreams said:


> *[Snip]*
> 
> For whatever reason many people view fat acceptance as the easy way out. It most certainly is not. It is far easier to continue to give in to the notion that because you are large you must fix the "problem" than it is to accept that maybe the problem is with how you view yourself and the only real solution is to embrace the way things are. Loving yourself is one of the most difficult things for anybody to learn to do. I applaud anybody who gets out of bed in the morning and makes that effort.



I think that's pretty insightful.


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## Tiffany08 (Oct 26, 2014)

I think you are pretty shadowedmorning


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## Helakin (Oct 27, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> But I know if they were to see me in person, see how fat I am, they would probably never speak to me again.


I dated a girl a few years ago that probably weighed at least 450, maybe more. We eventually broke up but it definitely wasn't because she was too fat. And I didn't date her just because I have some kind of fat fetish. Like pretty much every other guy on the planet I think a woman's curves are incredibly sexy. It's just that I like woman with a _lot_ of curves. And there's also something about the way it feels that's incredibly feminine also. 

So I'm honestly attracted to fat girls. Extremely fat girls, actually. Of course I don't think every girl is hot just because she's fat but I've never seen a girl that was "too big". I admit there aren't a lot of guys like me out there and you can't just snap your fingers and magically find one but we do exist. 

You think you're unattractive because you're fat. But the only reason a person is "attractive" is because other people are attracted to them. You can't think that just because you're fat no one could ever be attracted to you. I think fat girls are sexy. So if I'm physically attracted to fat girls then there's got to be other guys out there that are too. 

Don't give up. Keep telling yourself that somewhere out there is someone who will think you're hot. I know that's easier said than done but you'll never find that person if you can't accept they exist.


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## choudhury (Oct 28, 2014)

How sad that a beautiful woman like you has to feel bad about herself.

I also find it odd that we are in a world where LGBT identities are in the foreground and there are entire institutional protocols being drawn up to deal with trans-gendered bathrooms, etc.; but the much simpler idea that quite a few men might honestly prefer heavier women still seems barely to register in public consciousness. What percentage of BBWs go through life utterly unaware that many men find them attractive just as they are? And for that matter, how many BBWs are aware of the existence of FAs, but see that preference as a bad thing, a distasteful "perversion" they want no part of? 

It's all so silly. So much misery and loathing could be avoided by the simple recognition that different people legitimately have different preferences, period.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 28, 2014)

*Blush* Thanks, Tiffany!  You're lovely, yourself!

And yeah, I'm glad I'm getting a chance to see that this world exists, that I'm not alone. The next time one of my friends confides in me that she feels self-conscious because of her weight, I'll be able to tell her the truth: that there are lots of people out there that are a-okay with it!


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## waldo (Oct 29, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> *Blush* Thanks, Tiffany!  You're lovely, yourself!
> 
> And yeah, I'm glad I'm getting a chance to see that this world exists, that I'm not alone. The next time one of my friends confides in me that she feels self-conscious because of her weight, I'll be able to tell her the truth: that there are lots of people out there that are a-okay with it!



Hi ShadowedMorning welcome to the BBW/FA community. I hope you find the lasting self-acceptance you desire (and deserve).



choudhury said:


> How sad that a beautiful woman like you has to feel bad about herself.
> 
> I also find it odd that we are in a world where LGBT identities are in the foreground and there are entire institutional protocols being drawn up to deal with trans-gendered bathrooms, etc.; but the much simpler idea that quite a few men might honestly prefer heavier women still seems barely to register in public consciousness. What percentage of BBWs go through life utterly unaware that many men find them attractive just as they are? And for that matter, how many BBWs are aware of the existence of FAs, but see that preference as a bad thing, a distasteful "perversion" they want no part of?
> 
> It's all so silly. So much misery and loathing could be avoided by the simple recognition that different people legitimately have different preferences, period.



This is an important aspect to keep in mind for many fat women. It's not that they don't know about FAs, but in general they dismiss us as self-centered (and generally perverted) jerks, only interested in keeping them fat (and very often making them fatter) for our own pleasure. Also, while a fat person may get to a point of accepting their body, they generally still will be utterly bewildered as to how someone finds it attractive (thus the default conclusion that we must be perverts).

And when health problems come into the picture, the FA's character is further shown. Unfortunately, it seems many (probably even most) self-identifying FAs fit this description, putting the partner's appearance too high on their priority list.

If they are lucky enough to find an FA who is not of the self-centered jerk variety, fat women who can actually believe in the sensuousness of their bodies (as opposed to just 'accepting' their unattractive body) have a better opportunity to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. So overall the odds are not in your favor, but doesn't mean you shouldn't try.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 29, 2014)

That's interesting. Having never even considered this idea existed beyond maybe a passing thought, I had no idea that was an issue. 

For me, and realizing now that I've probably run into a lot of FA's and just didn't realize it, I always assumed that if a guy was flirting with me or calling me attractive, it was some kind of joke or there was some angle. As in, are you going to tell me I'm beautiful and then when I accept your compliment, call me fat and stupid and laugh with your friends? 

So for me, I'm always guarded against the things that men say to me about my appearance because my initial instinct is to assume they're lying.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Oct 29, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> So for me, I'm always guarded against the things that men say to me about my appearance because my initial instinct is to assume they're lying.



That's probably a smart approach for any woman, of any size, who finds herself approached by a man she doesn't know. Let's face it, there are a lot more horses' asses than there are horses out there. The important thing is that you now realize there's a good chance he _isn't_ lying, so that you can be open without making yourself vulnerable.


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## Highsteppa (Oct 29, 2014)

Self acceptance and being able to see yourself in a positive, loving, honest way takes a lot of practice and patience with yourself.

I hope you find it, and enjoy the journey.


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## superodalisque (Oct 29, 2014)

BBW MeganLynn44DD said:


> I used to be very insecure once I began to gain weight.I found a great,great guy and can't tell you how much he loves me and my curves.I've posted many pictures of myself many times and would NEVER have done that with his backing and the support I have gotten here.It is a very positive website!



just be sure you build yourself up in such a way that you'd would feel this way about yourself even if he wasn't there


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## superodalisque (Oct 29, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> That's probably a smart approach for any woman, of any size, who finds herself approached by a man she doesn't know. Let's face it, there are a lot more horses' asses than there are horses out there. The important thing is that you now realize there's a good chance he _isn't_ lying, so that you can be open without making yourself vulnerable.



I totally agree. they probably aren't lying, but the important thing to understand is that just because a guy is attracted doesn't mean he is looking out for your best interest. in fact the more physically attracted he is the _more _likely he is to be driven to say or do anything just to be able to get his hands on you. it's a fact of life for all women no matter what your size happens to be.


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## shadowedmorning (Oct 30, 2014)

Good insight, guys; thank you! I'm soaking all of this up like a sponge. lol


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## choudhury (Oct 31, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> I totally agree. they probably aren't lying, but the important thing to understand is that just because a guy is attracted doesn't mean he is looking out for your best interest. in fact the more physically attracted he is the _more _likely he is to be driven to say or do anything just to be able to get his hands on you. it's a fact of life for all women no matter what your size happens to be.



Right, and we should emphasize (as you do) that this is in no way unique to FAs!

That's the thing with BBWs who resist FAs as "perverts" because we only "love their fat." ALL men who get sexually involved with women do so because they desire their bodies. You might as well have a slim woman say "guys only hit on me because they love my boobs/ass/hips" or whatever. To the extent that this is true, it's a universal problem having to do with men objectifying women.

If only more BBWs understood that FAs *exist,* and are no more "perverse" than men in general, everyone (BBWs and FAs) would be better off, that's for sure. There'd be so much less self-loathing, and above all, so much less of that desperate sense that "I am unattractive and nobody will ever want me" that does soooo much damage to so many overweight adolescents and young women. I wish someone would sit down with all of these women and tell them the big secret that, you know what? There are lots and lots of perfectly normal men that want what you got. Similarly, I wish someone could have sat down with the tortured FA adolescent I was and said, you know what? Millions of men feel as you do. It's OK.

Of course I'm not trying to blame BBWs for this state of affairs. Like I said, we live in a world where much more extreme sexual identities are publicly celebrated - the subjects of policy, extensive academic theorization, and public campaigns - even as the comparatively straightforward love of full-figured women continues to be marginalized. The culture celebrates every form of diversity EXCEPT diversity of body types. It's bizarre when you think about it.


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## superodalisque (Nov 2, 2014)

choudhury said:


> Right, and we should emphasize (as you do) that this is in no way unique to FAs!
> 
> That's the thing with BBWs who resist FAs as "perverts" because we only "love their fat." ALL men who get sexually involved with women do so because they desire their bodies. You might as well have a slim woman say "guys only hit on me because they love my boobs/ass/hips" or whatever. To the extent that this is true, it's a universal problem having to do with men objectifying women.
> 
> ...



that is why the term FA really is of no use whatsoever to a fat women. a man who is attracted to you will just ask you out. if he is asking you out or making overtures he is attracted to you. he doesn't need to have a label to do that. he is just a man attracted to a woman. no more. no less.

it would be nice if guys who feel they need the term FA to feel like they are like other men could be confident enough in themselves and fat women not to need all of the group support and could drop it. the dependence on group think often makes fat women feel freakish. the way they are approached is as if an attraction to them _is _some kind of unacceptable perversion just because some stranger not even involved in the relationship doesn't approve. the term says they are something shameful that a man needs help with like an illness. it's as though she is something that he would not choose if at all possible. 

the need for universal approval should be worked on. if guys with a need for the label came to terms with who they were attracted to i doubt they would be looked at as much in that way by fat women. they do need to understand within themselves that they are already men like any others. they are not more likely to have negative tendencies except where men with negative tendencies congregate and they are not more positive except where men with more positive tendencies congregate. the term doesn't say that though. stamping yourself with a label that differentiates you doesn't say you are the same as any other man. so I think people who complain about how women react to the label are fully responsible for the image they give fat women to work with complete with closets etc... fat women are just fat , exactly like most other women in relationships. there is a lot of self marginalization in situations that just don't warrant it. 

when you want a label that basically says fat women are a social negative that is a burden to you then you have to deal with that fallout.


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## Extinctor100 (Nov 3, 2014)

superodalisque said:


> the need for universal approval should be worked on. if guys with a need for the label came to terms with who they were attracted to i doubt they would be looked at as much in that way by fat women. they do need to understand within themselves that they are already men like any others. they are not more likely to have negative tendencies except where men with negative tendencies congregate and they are not more positive except where men with more positive tendencies congregate. the term doesn't say that though. stamping yourself with a label that differentiates you doesn't say you are the same as any other man.



I could agree with that in principle the same way I could insist that every entree on a restaurant's menu should be priced exactly the same because I uphold that every customer just as likely to order one as another and thus there should be no favoritism. In an idealistically egalitarian way, it's nice to say everyone should have "universal approval" and not label themselves but people are never going to accept _everyone_ for _every_ way they are, just like you won't like everything on a menu equally even if they are priced the same. They also will never stop searching for ways to define themselves somehow that will draw the approval/attention of those they want it from. People have a natural tendency to gravitate toward what they want and define themselves by those preferences.

People will *always* describe themselves as "butt men" / "boob men" or "wine kind of woman" / "beer kind of gal", etc. because it's a convenience of life that makes it clear what our preferences is. If someone asks if I'm an "FA" and it's someone who knows what an FA is without stigmatizing it, then I say "yes" and all is well because it summarizes something that can then be expanded on in detail. Or maybe they'll use the term "chubby chaser" like my good friend just used to playfully describe her husband the other day when we were talking.  People can't just neuter themselves and others to "you are a human, cool I could love you as much as I could love anyone else, so long as you are homo sapiens what else do I need to know?" Being PC about it can only reasonably extend so far. We still need to "label" ourselves to the extend that we can identify commonalities and compatibilities amongst ourselves. If someone wants to know if I'm an "FA" I might ask them to define it first before I answer. If they define it as "a man who (1) only likes overweight women and (2) objectifies their overweightness" then I'll say no, because both elements of their definition don't define me. Whether I bother to correct them is a different topic...

Because debating about the use of the term "FA" as a negative in a war against misogynistic men *is* a different topic. The topic is highlighting the positives in a community that are bringing positive changes to a woman's life. That's something that warms my heart every time I pass by this thread to see how it's going. The fact is that a woman rising to grasp her self-worth with the help of others is a beautiful and profound journey that we have the privilege of joining. A person taking that step of growth away from pain and toward peace might seem small to some but it's like leaping from the earth to the moon to others. What's important is not us judging what side of an invisible class/sex war to mold it into a victory for... it's celebrating the victory within the mind, soul, and life of someone who searched for something better and found it and it's making a difference for good. If there's a label to define me as someone who will celebrate that, then I'll accept whatever that is.


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## superodalisque (Nov 3, 2014)

Extinctor100 said:


> I could agree with that in principle the same way I could insist that every entree on a restaurant's menu should be priced exactly the same because I uphold that every customer just as likely to order one as another and thus there should be no favoritism. In an idealistically egalitarian way, it's nice to say everyone should have "universal approval" and not label themselves but people are never going to accept _everyone_ for _every_ way they are, just like you won't like everything on a menu equally even if they are priced the same. They also will never stop searching for ways to define themselves somehow that will draw the approval/attention of those they want it from. People have a natural tendency to gravitate toward what they want and define themselves by those preferences.
> 
> People will *always* describe themselves as "butt men" / "boob men" or "wine kind of woman" / "beer kind of gal", etc. because it's a convenience of life that makes it clear what our preferences is. If someone asks if I'm an "FA" and it's someone who knows what an FA is without stigmatizing it, then I say "yes" and all is well because it summarizes something that can then be expanded on in detail. Or maybe they'll use the term "chubby chaser" like my good friend just used to playfully describe her husband the other day when we were talking.  People can't just neuter themselves and others to "you are a human, cool I could love you as much as I could love anyone else, so long as you are homo sapiens what else do I need to know?" Being PC about it can only reasonably extend so far. We still need to "label" ourselves to the extend that we can identify commonalities and compatibilities amongst ourselves. If someone wants to know if I'm an "FA" I might ask them to define it first before I answer. If they define it as "a man who (1) only likes overweight women and (2) objectifies their overweightness" then I'll say no, because both elements of their definition don't define me. Whether I bother to correct them is a different topic...
> 
> Because debating about the use of the term "FA" as a negative in a war against misogynistic men *is* a different topic. The topic is highlighting the positives in a community that are bringing positive changes to a woman's life. That's something that warms my heart every time I pass by this thread to see how it's going. The fact is that a woman rising to grasp her self-worth with the help of others is a beautiful and profound journey that we have the privilege of joining. A person taking that step of growth away from pain and toward peace might seem small to some but it's like leaping from the earth to the moon to others. What's important is not us judging what side of an invisible class/sex war to mold it into a victory for... it's celebrating the victory within the mind, soul, and life of someone who searched for something better and found it and it's making a difference for good. If there's a label to define me as someone who will celebrate that, then I'll accept whatever that is.



that label defines nothing about a man except the types of body parts he enjoys sexually. if a guy says he is a boob man it has no real meaning for a woman. lots of men like boobs. and people who've had the chance to grow a bit look around them and see a lot of fat women are attractive to men as well--since men are with them. it's not some rare situation. 

whether the guys who are involved are really celebrating women depends on the man himself. is he saying that no one likes fat women except him? is he constantly reinforcing negative stereotypes about fat women? or is he championing them in all aspects of their lives? that is the only way to judge. simply having the term FA attached to a man has nothing to do with his character one way or another any more than it does when a man likes large breasts. he can be a good man or an awful man. 

there are men who watch porn who only sexually attracted to blondes with big boobs. does that mean they are making a difference for the good? saying that is nonsensical. it's what he actually does in life as a man that counts. is he political. is he doing something bedsides looking at you or trying to have sex with you? is he trying to evolve within himself as a human being ? sorry but that is not what people come to porn sites for. 

saying a person is an FA is fine as long as they don't try to pretend that there are attributes to the term that aren't there for any such term. 

it's not saying a man has to be a misogynist if he choses to be an FA but what it is definitely saying is that it has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on how he is going to treat a woman, especially since there are a lot of very good men who have absolutely no clue at all what that is and could care less because they never went looking for help accompaniment or cheerleading to be with he woman they want to be with.

just because a man classifies himself as an FA doesn't mean he is going to be compatible or will have anything ion common with you at all with you at all. all it means is that he has a sexual fascination with fat and you have some on your body. don't try and make it more than it is.


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## Extinctor100 (Nov 3, 2014)

I still don't understand how saying "I'm an FA," "I'm a chubby chaser," or "I like big beautiful women" is any different than saying "I'm a girl who likes tall men" to some tall men... One of my old girlfriends called herself a "giant slayer" or "giraffe hunter" because tall, slim men were her favorite. I don't think it speaks well _or_ ill about a person to use a generality like that. It's intended to catch the attention of the people they say they like. It's not a fetish if it's about women but a preference if it's about men. Relax.

And for the record, objectifying and fetishizing are two different things. One is to reduce something that is deep, complex, and beautiful to a mere sexual object. The other is to derive sexual gratification from something that is normally considering non-sexual (such as ceiling fans or making pancakes). A person's body being intrinsically sexual - since, you know, sex usually happens using your body - it is impossible to fetishize the human body. It's already sexual, regardless of its size or shape. Having a love and appreciation and desire for your partner's body isn't a fetish. And technically, every human body has fat in it, so every person in a sense is fat and therefore everyone enjoys fat people sexually... when you really think about it and ignore all the stigmas attached to both the desire and the object of the desire.


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2014)

Extinctor100 said:


> I still don't understand how saying "I'm an FA," "I'm a chubby chaser," or "I like big beautiful women" is any different than saying "I'm a girl who likes tall men" to some tall men... One of my old girlfriends called herself a "giant slayer" or "giraffe hunter" because tall, slim men were her favorite. I don't think it speaks well _or_ ill about a person to use a generality like that. It's intended to catch the attention of the people they say they like. It's not a fetish if it's about women but a preference if it's about men. Relax.
> 
> And for the record, objectifying and fetishizing are two different things. One is to reduce something that is deep, complex, and beautiful to a mere sexual object. The other is to derive sexual gratification from something that is normally considering non-sexual (such as ceiling fans or making pancakes). A person's body being intrinsically sexual - since, you know, sex usually happens using your body - it is impossible to fetishize the human body. It's already sexual, regardless of its size or shape. Having a love and appreciation and desire for your partner's body isn't a fetish. And technically, every human body has fat in it, so every person in a sense is fat and therefore everyone enjoys fat people sexually... when you really think about it and ignore all the stigmas attached to both the desire and the object of the desire.



actually you can fetishize aspects of the human body. look it up. 

you can't love a person's body. you can love a person. you can find a body beautiful though. 

objectification and fetishizing are not two different things. it's true you can objectify without fetishizing but you can't fetishize without objectifying so saying they are two different things makes no sense. 

the difference is women who say they like tall men don't try to ascribe some kind of value judgment about themselves as a result as in "i'm this great person because I like tall men. I must be treated preferentially by tall men because I find them sexually attractive." also those women do not attach negativity to tall men. they don't say they need a support group because some people are not attracted to tall men and think they look goofy or they might stare because the height difference in some people's opinions makes them look like a couple of circus freaks when they are together. sounds kind of foolish when you put it that way doesn't it? 

if everybody loves fat people then why create a stigmatizing label for oneself ? what does it do besides make people worrying so much about being normal seem more abnormal?


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## Extinctor100 (Nov 4, 2014)

So I can't love lasagna???


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## FatAndProud (Nov 4, 2014)

FA's are something else, I'll tell you what. I've posted lots of inflammatory posts about them, as of late...but I'll spare you.

I'd use Dimensions as a platform to build your self-confidence. You're a beautiful person, regardless of size. You do not need affirmations from anyone other than yourself. Believe yourself when you say things about yourself - make sure they're positive. Being awesome takes time. Loving yourself takes a lifetime. Use this community to meet like-minded people that deal with your EXACT trials and tribulations pertaining to your size. You are not alone here, and that's what it's about 

Hi, I'm Katie, by the way


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## shadowedmorning (Nov 4, 2014)

Hi, Katie! 

And thank you!


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## Dr. Feelgood (Nov 4, 2014)

Extinctor100 said:


> So I can't love lasagna???



As long as you're not just saying that to get it into bed with you.


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## Extinctor100 (Nov 4, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> As long as you're not just saying that to get it into bed with you.



Right? Being attracted to something that you find attractive is about the worst thing you could do!


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2014)

FatAndProud said:


> FA's are something else, I'll tell you what. I've posted lots of inflammatory posts about them, as of late...but I'll spare you.
> 
> I'd use Dimensions as a platform to build your self-confidence. You're a beautiful person, regardless of size. You do not need affirmations from anyone other than yourself. Believe yourself when you say things about yourself - make sure they're positive. Being awesome takes time. Loving yourself takes a lifetime. Use this community to meet like-minded people that deal with your EXACT trials and tribulations pertaining to your size. You are not alone here, and that's what it's about
> 
> Hi, I'm Katie, by the way



exactly . I agree with what Katie said. you are not alone shadowedmorning . and also, it is all about you. it's not about what any guy thinks of you. you are a self contained unit of awesome. don't let anyone come between you and your love affair with yourself. if you do a lot of people will make sure that you are worse off than when you came.


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## superodalisque (Nov 4, 2014)

Extinctor100 said:


> So I can't love lasagna???



no you can't. I thought you were a writer and understood things like personification, but I guess not.


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## superodalisque (Nov 5, 2014)

I thought I would add this to your thread which is going to be so helpful to other people as well as yourself: 

View attachment 10421451_395267707287937_2171429926208830234_n.jpg


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## superodalisque (Nov 5, 2014)

waldo said:


> Hi ShadowedMorning welcome to the BBW/FA community. I hope you find the lasting self-acceptance you desire (and deserve).
> 
> 
> 
> ...



or maybe, sometimes, it's just not about you.


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## Jooplef (Nov 12, 2014)

shadowedmorning said:


> I always assumed that if a guy was flirting with me or calling me attractive, it was some kind of joke or there was some angle. As in, are you going to tell me I'm beautiful and then when I accept your compliment, call me fat and stupid and laugh with your friends?
> 
> So for me, I'm always guarded against the things that men say to me about my appearance because my initial instinct is to assume they're lying.



I'm not sure why lying would be an immediate assumption; hopefully your self-image will improve drastically! As an aside, I saw this image on FB the other day:






It's not 100% true, and not particularly positive for those men that disagree, but a lot of people laughed and agreed with the sentiment. There's a reason that the Venus of Willendorf was representative of femininity.


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## Sunshine_Fette (Dec 11, 2014)

Shadowedmorning, you are a beautiful girl and I have enjoyed reading this post, thank you. Everyone here seems so supportive, makes me so happy I joined  The path to self love can be so hard, but it does get easier with time! 


I have only been a member for 2 hours and I already love this place the most!


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