# Is it fair for one person to date or be committed to another person and then try to get the other person to change their body size?



## FatBarbieDoll (Aug 22, 2021)

It's "to be healthy", of course. Hello again. I met a seemingly nice dude and we had our first phone chat tonight. He asked me if, should we end up together, I'd be interested in going to the gym with him. I then asked him to clarify if he wanted me to just go with him or exercise with him and he said it's whatever makes me comfortable but wanted me to exercise with him. I basically told him that I am not averse to exercising but don't want to do it under the guise of losing weight. We then started talking about something else. He started out this subject by saying that "we gotta be healthy" (or something along those lines). 

Based on past experience, my brain immediately went to the thought that he is trying to change me. Is that fair? If you go into a relationship with someone knowing they are heavy, is it rational to try to get them to lose weight? He did not specially mention weight loss but I am still seeing this as a possible red flag.


I don't want to push someone away who may have not meant anything bad. What do you think?


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## Orchid (Aug 22, 2021)

I think if/when you go on dates IRL maybe include some exercises related things so both of you can see what each others expectations are in that area. 
How outdoorsy sporty type is he?
Like will he be most evenings at the gym/sports school?
Another example say you like visit crafts shows will he he go with you? Does he like crafts? Does he tolerate you doing crafts and sighs in background, on a lot of forums related to my many hobbies ladies and some gents complain about this behaviour.
When you go eat at restaurant will he be watching what you eat, how much you eat etc. Say claim health concern.....
Is only in interaction with a maybe partner one notices such things and sometimes they hide it well.
They try to change a person is not only weight...........then follows how you dress, makeup, politics etc, etc.


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## SSBHM (Aug 22, 2021)

I like to workout. Really! I do. I lift and do some cardio - walking. I like being able to move, and the stronger I am the more I think I'm capable of handling extra weight around my middle. 

Exercising, in my opinion, and sharing it with someone isn't bad, in my opinion.

Now the real test, to me, would be how they like to eat and how they enjoy letting you enjoy yourself eating. If someone told me, "you shouldn't eat that," or, "you really shouldn't eat that much again, or do you really need third or fourth helpings," that would probably both annoy me and tell me that this isn't going to be a healthy long term relationship.

How does someone like your fat is another vital aspect. Do they admire, appreciate, and adore your fat, or tolerate, or even worse shun or are repulsed by it? I like to show off my fat belly. I don't like quivering jelly fat to be honest, but round, full, and soft fat is sexy! If someone didn't want to touch, play with, appreciate, admire, and find your fat sexy, well that would be a problem.

So go work out, then say you're hungry and indulge. Then, see how things go.


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## FatBarbieDoll (Aug 22, 2021)

My concern isn’t that’s it’s just about exercise but will graduate to then trying to control what and how much I eat and pressuring me to lose weight. I’m wondering if this is fair and rational, since he obviously knows how I look beforehand and would learn about my eating habits.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 26, 2021)

This is a red flag for me, if there ever was one. If a person wants to change you, any aspect of you, right off the bat, then they don't really want you. They want what you can potentially become (maybe). There could be a plethora of reasons why someone wants you to change (or change for them). 

Sometimes, this type of relationship can be beneficial or even symbiotic for one or both parties. The feeder/feedee dynamic come to mind. But in that case, the change is mutually agreed upon or at least implied, from the beginning. Your situation doesn't sound like something that is equally desired. 

I used to caution and counsel my young airmen against getting into relationships and/or marriage, where one party thinks you should change something about themselves; even if it's for the better. You shouldn't have to change yourself for someone else. They should like you and want you for who you are now. Not for who you could be under their influence.


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## FatBarbieDoll (Aug 26, 2021)

BigElectricKat said:


> This is a red flag for me, if there ever was one. If a person wants to change you, any aspect of you, right off the bat, then they don't really want you. They want what you can potentially become (maybe). There could be a plethora of reasons why someone wants you to change (or change for them).
> 
> Sometimes, this type of relationship can be beneficial or even symbiotic for one or both parties. The feeder/feedee dynamic come to mind. But in that case, the change is mutually agreed upon or at least implied, from the beginning. Your situation doesn't sound like something that is equally desired.
> 
> I used to caution and counsel my young airmen against getting into relationships and/or marriage, where one party thinks you should change something about themselves; even if it's for the better. You shouldn't have to change yourself for someone else. They should like you and want you for who you are now. Not for who you could be under their influence.





Thank you -- I appreciate your insight, which is, as usual, good. I dropped him because my experience has taught me that the things he said don't bode well. I could be wrong, of course, but don't want to waste my time, so I will err on the side of caution. If it was strictly about us exercising together, that would be okay but, again, my experience caused me to go on the defense. This was literally the first conversation we had via phone too.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 26, 2021)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> Thank you -- I appreciate your insight, which is, as usual, good. I dropped him because my experience has taught me that the things he said don't bode well. I could be wrong, of course, but don't want to waste my time, so I will err on the side of caution. If it was strictly about us exercising together, that would be okay but, again, my experience caused me to go on the defense. This was literally the first conversation we had via phone too.


Yeah, not a good sign if that's part of the first conversation by phone. I liken that situation to one where a guy or gal will date someone who is considered a "bad boy" or "bad girl" with the intent of straightening them out a little. It rarely ever works and both parties end of miserable.

Good on you for recognizing something was wrong before wasting your time.


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## penguin (Aug 26, 2021)

He assumed you weren’t healthy, seems caught in the idea that health=worth, and wasn’t asking what you wanted. Those are all big red flags. I have no problem being involved with someone who loves to work out, but if they wanted or expected me to start doing it we’d have a big mismatch. Especially if they wanted me to lose weight - why start dating someone like me if you want to change how I look? It’s a level of control I wouldn’t be happy with. You’re definitely better off avoiding him.


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## FatBarbieDoll (Aug 27, 2021)

penguin said:


> He assumed you weren’t healthy, seems caught in the idea that health=worth, and wasn’t asking what you wanted. Those are all big red flags. I have no problem being involved with someone who loves to work out, but if they wanted or expected me to start doing it we’d have a big mismatch. Especially if they wanted me to lose weight - why start dating someone like me if you want to change how I look? It’s a level of control I wouldn’t be happy with. You’re definitely better off avoiding him.




Thanks. He is correct that I am unhealthy but still showed his fatphobia by assuming right off of the bat I don't exercise. He also made odd comments about my legs, saying that they are "thick like black women's" or something similar.

I am curious how you got the idea that he thinks heath = worth. Also, I was confused because he DID say that "whatever makes you comfortable" but then admitted he wanted me to go to the gym to exercise with him. I am confused why he would say that whatever makes me comfortable is okay if it was about control and weight loss.


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## penguin (Aug 27, 2021)

FatBarbieDoll said:


> Thanks. He is correct that I am unhealthy but still showed his fatphobia by assuming right off of the bat I don't exercise. He also made odd comments about my legs, saying that they are "thick like black women's" or something similar.



That’s another big red flag there.



> I am curious how you got the idea that he thinks heath = worth. Also, I was confused because he DID say that "whatever makes you comfortable" but then admitted he wanted me to go to the gym to exercise with him. I am confused why he would say that whatever makes me comfortable is okay if it was about control and weight loss.



So many people pull out the “but I’m worried about your health!” card as an excuse for fat phobia, as if that’s the most important part of our existence. They see a fat person and assume we’re not healthy or living a healthy life. They see health (which usually means being thin) as the peak of our existence and something we should all aspire to, never considering how diet culture is a fucking hellscape and that fat phobia kills thin people too. If they’re truly worried about our health, then they’d care about our mental health as well, and that by talking to us like this they’re doing harm.

It also means they view others who have chronic illnesses or disabilities as being less than, because they’ll never reach that level health people like him talk about. Our worth isn’t based on some arbitrary measure of healthfulness. It can be easy to fall into the good fatty/bad fatty mindset (“oh I’m fat, but I’m not diabetic!”) because we’re trying to find worth and acceptance from mainstream society, but we need to toss that shit out.


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