# Long Distance Relationships?



## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Women, I am completely new at this after coming out of the a messy "Big D", back several months ago I have a question now that I am starting new......
How do you feel about long distance realtionships and can you make them work?
Reason I am asking, is as a newbie on this board I am beginning the dating process all over, and I am as far from computer savy as you can get, so things on the board, etc do not come easy. The availability of women where I am now is like NONE, and those that are here are skinny. I do not have the ability to move, as I am a Major in the Army, and am pretty much stuck where I am, and at 36 it is hard to meet my type of women. So any realtionship with the woman of my dreams will begin long distance. Then factor in my deployments, etc. So I was wondering about all you women on here since you all are, "the women of my dreams" can you provide any help, etc. Thank-you!

Surfer


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 27, 2010)

At any rate, sure long distance relationships can work. They are a challenge but not at all impossible.

One thing i would say is use technology like email, texts, and cams to keep communication alive, but don't use them to replace spending time together. Also, when meeting somebody online, most conventional wisdom says it's good to meet fairly soon after you start communicating otherwise you risk having unrealistic expectations or you can build up the other person too much. Absent the real day to day 'stuff' like personality quirks, cleanliness habits, cursing, whether a person smokes or drinks, you wont' get a real picture of who they are.

Be upfront about how much time and effort you will devote to getting to know somebody. If your work is very time consuming, it's not realistic to say you're going to visit every weekend or call three times a week.

Lastly, be very honest about yourself. Women and men of all sizes have been burned by online dating; people can lie about anything from marital status to age, so don't be 'that guy' who said he was single but really separated or who posted a picture taken 5 years earlier or who said 'social drinker' but really has 4 DUIs.


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 27, 2010)

Sometimes I can't figure out which forum I'm in...trippy...



Anyway, OP, to answer your question - I am pretty much 100% opposed to long distance relationships (for myself! don't everybody pounce on me, now). I would never willingly enter into a LDR. The only way I might consider it is if that guy was really SUCH a tremendous match for me that it would be stupid not to try. This means way more than strong physical chemistry and just getting along on a general level - because I could pretty easily find that in my area. It would have to be a really unique sort of connection to want to put myself through the longing that comes with an LDR. When I'm in a relationship, I need me some physical affection on a regular basis!!!!


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## mossystate (Apr 27, 2010)

Why is this on the bbw forum?


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Because I wanted an answer from a female, so I thought it fit.
Surfer


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## mossystate (Apr 27, 2010)

Nevermind.


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## LisaInNC (Apr 27, 2010)

Did my reply get removed because I called a character in a movie a whore? Really?


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

I agree, chat, emails and phone definitely while apart. Surfer


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## LJ Rock (Apr 27, 2010)

I am not a female, but I hope that my 2 cents won't be discounted; as a person who has been in a long distance relationship, I can tell you that I wouldn't recommend it. At least not if you are looking for something serious and/or long term. If you are just looking for women to chat with and exchange pictures and whatnot, that's fine. But if you're looking for something meaningful and long-lasting, don't get involved in something long distance unless you go into it with the willingness and ability to move and make it NOT long-distance as soon as possible. The longer the distance drags on, the harder it is to maintain intimacy and keep the connection alive. The feelings are real, but the logistics of it make it difficult and practically impossible. 

You say that because of your career you are unable to move for someone, so that right there is a strike against you. So if you met someone far away, it would be assumed that _they_ would have to move for _you_ if you wanted to be together. Maybe they will and maybe they won't, it's a gamble in any case. Besides which, your location says you're in the Nashville area, I find it hard to believe there are no available plus size ladies available in that area. But I guess I wouldn't know. 

For the record, yes LDRs can sometimes work out. But it is difficult, and you should be prepared to deal with all of the difficulties and emotional turmoil that can arise from entering into one. That is my advice, you can take it or leave it.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 27, 2010)

LisaInNC said:


> Did my reply get removed because I called a character in a movie a whore? Really?



If he can't say trollop or whatever it was he said then I guess you can't say whore.


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## olwen (Apr 27, 2010)

LisaInNC said:


> Did my reply get removed because I called a character in a movie a whore? Really?



No, it was removed because it was a response to a response to a response that was originally removed. 

Carry on.

/Mod


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

LJ, thank-you for your input. The problem I have is that since my job is the Army I can't just move where/when I want. So, yes if I meet a woman someplace else, which will probably be the case, I have no choice but long distance.
Surfer


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## truebebeblue (Apr 27, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Women, I am completely new at this after coming out of the a messy "Big D", back several months ago I have a question now that I am starting new......
> How do you feel about long distance realtionships and can you make them work?
> Reason I am asking, is as a newbie on this board I am beginning the dating process all over, and I am as far from computer savy as you can get, so things on the board, etc do not come easy. The availability of women where I am now is like NONE, and those that are here are skinny. I do not have the ability to move, as I am a Major in the Army, and am pretty much stuck where I am, and at 36 it is hard to meet my type of women. So any realtionship with the woman of my dreams will begin long distance. Then factor in my deployments, etc. So I was wondering about all you women on here since you all are, "the women of my dreams" can you provide any help, etc. Thank-you!
> 
> Surfer



There are tons of fat women around Nashville and Ft. Campbell/Clarksville.
I lived there most of my childhood years. Long distance can work but it can also fail and when you have invested so much it can hurt more. I would look around locally, Even if you meet the ladies online you will have any easier go of things actually dating.


True


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

True, yes you pegged it, Fort Campbell. Well I must be looking in all the wrong places, or they moved, or went on serious diets! Then again, to be honest I have met a few but they were golddiggers, and I am not into that. Want someone who wants me for me, not my pay and a ticket out.
Surfer


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 27, 2010)

Surfer said:


> True, yes you pegged it, Fort Campbell. Well I must be looking in all the wrong places, or they moved, or went on serious diets! Then again, to be honest I have met a few but they were golddiggers, and I am not into that. Want someone who wants me for me, not my pay and a ticket out.
> Surfer



I've never been to Nashvilles so what do I know? Anybody looking to latch on to a military guy is probably going to be hanging around the gate so I would recommend venturing beyond that point to meet nice people. Like I said, I've never been but I watch a lot of hair shows. Yes yes, I know hair shows and salons aren't exactly Valhallah but Nashville is actually pretty up and coming when it comes to hair and they get featured a lot in these shows. Anytime the showcase is there I'm really impressed with the variance of people and just the overall vibe of the folks who pass through there. I know there are good people of all types in Nashville and Nashville's a big place. Don't give up hope so early.


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Lilly, that made me laugh, never thought of that. But you are right on, I do not hang even close to post for women. Just not my type.

Surfer


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## CastingPearls (Apr 27, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I've never been to Nashvilles so what do I know? Anybody looking to latch on to a military guy is probably going to be hanging around the gate so I would recommend venturing beyond that point to meet nice people. Like I said, I've never been but I watch a lot of hair shows. Yes yes, I know hair shows and salons aren't exactly Valhallah but Nashville is actually pretty up and coming when it comes to hair and they get featured a lot in these shows. Anytime the showcase is there I'm really impressed with the variance of people and just the overall vibe of the folks who pass through there. I know there are good people of all types in Nashville and Nashville's a big place. Don't give up hope so early.


OMG Lilly--you're right!! Didn't anyone see An Officer and a Gentleman?? Hmmmm...now I'm wondering if deleted posts had something to do with the characters in this movie.

Nevermind. LOL


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Yes, it is very true, those type of girls are waiting, especailly when you are an officer like I am. You really have to watch.
Surfer


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 27, 2010)

You can always post a thread in the South thread in the Events Forum and see what fellow Dimmers are in your area, just to meet people and get some ideas for where to meet others. 

Did you aready check that forum? I saw this one where a few people from your area posted, but there might be more.


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

No, I had not, will check it out. Thank-you.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 27, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> OMG Lilly--you're right!! Didn't anyone see An Officer and a Gentleman?? Hmmmm...now I'm wondering if deleted posts had something to do with the characters in this movie.
> 
> Nevermind. LOL



I didn't see Officer and a Gentleman so I don't get the reference. I just know that all the people in Nashville aren't trashy or whatever it was that he said. I do think it's possible to get mixed up with the wrong crowd in a local area and fall into a rut. The short of the story is to stop hanging around with people you don't relate to and get out more. I don't live where he lives so if he says they're frisking him for money what do I know? Grab the car keys and get the hell out if it's that bad.


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Lilly, no you misunderstood. It is not people from Nashville that are trashy! There is just a certain "element" of girl that hangs around military bases to marry GIs as their way out, and good pay, etc. They will do ANYTHING to get hitched. In the movie Officer...., that is the plot but it is set in Washington State at the Navy OCS school in Bremerton (sp?), one of the girls evn fakes getting preggo, the guy quits OCS to marry her and take her back to OK, but of course she doessn't want that, she breaks his heart and he kills himself. It is actually a good movie for a chick flick!

Surfer


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 27, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Lilly, no you misunderstood. It is not people from Nashville that are trashy! There is just a certain "element" of girl that hangs around military bases to marry GIs as their way out, and good pay, etc. They will do ANYTHING to get hitched. In the movie Officer...., that is the plot but it is set in Washington State at the Navy OCS school in Bremerton (sp?), one of the girls evn fakes getting preggo, the guy quits OCS to marry her and take her back to OK, but of course she doessn't want that, she breaks his heart and he kills himself. It is actually a good movie for a chick flick!
> 
> Surfer



If it doesn't have vampires in it it probably isn't my kind of flick Surfer so I'll have to take your word for it.


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Lilly, got ya! See I don't like those horror movies. I see so many horrible things in my line of work, I want to laugh when I go see a flick!
Surfer


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## spiritangel (Apr 27, 2010)

I think it depends on the people involved, I know that if the right person came along I would happily re locate, but that can take time and money, so there would have to be a patience factor in there as well, 

But it would have to be something really amazing and special, for me to want to do that. 

I am a romantic at heart, I believe that love should not be restricted by distance ect because love when it is true love will always find a way, but on saying that there are some places even love will not get me to relocate to.....

hugs


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

I agree Spirit. I just hope I can find her. Surfer


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 27, 2010)

I have experience with this exact situation - (a former) LDR w/ a military man. This was quite a few years ago, we met online and fell in love, got engaged, planned our life together (yes we did meet in person, this was not some fake fantasy love sight unseen). I knew going in that because of his career it would be me doing the relocating. That isn't the reason it ended and I won't go into that, but because of how painful it was when we were apart I will never EVER do an LDR again. It is not worth the pain of being without the one I love and in the end it's a crapshoot on whether or not it will even work out. We recently got back in touch after like 4 yrs and the feelings came back almost right away but thankfully we're both wiser this time and we're not letting some fantasy get in the way of reality and we're just staying good friends. Reality is, for me, LDRs are just not worth it. You uproot your whole life, you leave behind family and friends and you change your entire world for a small chance at love. It's insane. However, I know this will sound nuts after voicing my opinion on this subject, I wouldn't trade our relationship and the love I had with him for anything in the world. I just wouldn't do it again. You just have to find a woman who is willing to go through all of the stress of a LDR, they do exist, I've seen many of them right here on DIMS. 

I'd imagine under normal circumstances it wouldn't be hard to find someone since you're attractive and settled in a good career, but that LDR thingy is gonna be a hurdle.. 

Also, thank you for your service to our country. :bow:


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Thank-you for your support of us!

I know it will not be easy, but I am willing to give it 110% if she is. cause we know the end result will be fantastic!


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 27, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Thank-you for your support of us!



My Dad was a Marine, my Grandfather and Uncle served in wars before I was even born, and then there was that great love of mine, so I'm definitely a supporter of the military. It breaks my heart what you guys go through, but I also see you guys as complete and utter _heroes_ for doing it voluntarily and not quitting. I could never do it. Kudos.


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## Surfer (Apr 27, 2010)

Thank-you again, it is for people like you, and even those that don't support us that we do it. Surfer.


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 27, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> I didn't see Officer and a Gentleman so I don't get the reference.



 You have to see it! It's one of my top favorite movies - Zack is a dreamboat, he's one of those "every woman's fantasy" deals. Just.. you have to see it. I really thought there weren't any women left who hadn't seen it. Such a beautiful movie, even with the sad parts.


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## katherine22 (Apr 27, 2010)

LisaInNC said:


> Did my reply get removed because I called a character in a movie a whore? Really?




God, girl, I hope not.


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 27, 2010)

I don't think anyone should be offended by the word whore in a conversation unless they are one or unless they're really oversensitive. JMO. Otherwise, it's a perfectly acceptable word to describe Lynette (the cheap girl in the movie). I mean, she IS one. A shady lying two-faced cheap one at that.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 27, 2010)

DitzyBrunette said:


> I don't think anyone should be offended by the word whore in a conversation unless they are one or unless they're really oversensitive. JMO. Otherwise, it's a perfectly acceptable word to describe Lynette (the cheap girl in the movie). I mean, she IS one. A shady lying two-faced cheap one at that.


Ditzy--you know in Jersey we call them hoo-ahs. LOL Stop talking so high and mighty! LOLOLOLOL


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 27, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Ditzy--you know in Jersey we call them hoo-ahs. LOL Stop talking so high and mighty! LOLOLOLOL



LOL!!!!! My Mom says it that way (not that my Mom says it often, she's so straightlaced, I've seen her drink once in my entire 32 yrs and that was just a Bud nip lol). If you watch Jerseylicious on Style network, someone on there said it that way and I was like Yep, good ol' Jersey!


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## mszwebs (Apr 27, 2010)

The point is that he's using terminology that is negative toward women, on a forum that is supposed to be "protected" against that type of thing.


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 27, 2010)

Are we really having an argument in the BBW Forum about whether we should be able to call other women "whores"?


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## DitzyBrunette (Apr 27, 2010)

I don't see anyone arguing, just having a small difference of opinion. I think calling a woman a whore when it's uncalled for is WRONG. But if the girl IS one then I don't see how it's wrong. I wouldn't call anyone here a whore.


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## CastingPearls (Apr 27, 2010)

Maybe someone could get their hands on a script to see how the screenwriters described the character. Woman of easy virtue, perhaps?


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## mossystate (Apr 27, 2010)

mszwebs said:


> The point is that he's using terminology that is negative toward women, on a forum that is supposed to be "protected" against that type of thing.



Thank you.



mcbeth said:


> Are we really having an argument in the BBW Forum about whether we should be able to call other women "whores"?



And men in the bbw forum using terminology which, while seemingly fun and harmless, just does not jive with the purpose/reason for a protected forum. But, yeah, we are having this conversation. Amazing, but not.


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## jewels_mystery (Apr 28, 2010)

I have been in a ldr and would do it again. It just takes a lot of patience and work. We both would have to agree that by a certain time , one of us would have to move closer.


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## bobbleheaddoll (Apr 28, 2010)

no mossy...i do get it. it was appropriate terminology to describe the type of girls who specifically target GI for their income level. what else should he have said? there is really no 'non-derogatory' type of word for that type of person. the word he chose fit the context of the point he was making. 

my comment was not condoning the use of deragatory words for women, but i don't think they were meant in the context you chose to take them in. yes, i do think you have every right to voice your opinion...but sometimes the gals in this 'protected forum' tend to get a bit touchy and want to take everything as a personal affront rather than keep it in context.

fyi...my comment had nothing to do with 'whore'...that was already pulled by the mod before i even got to read this...but again, it would have fit in the context of that movie.

have a great day ladies.


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## Surfer (Apr 28, 2010)

Morning, just a quick thanks for all the comments from you beautiful ladies! 
Mossy, I am sorry if terms I used offended you. 
Surfer


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## mossystate (Apr 28, 2010)

bobbleheaddoll said:


> no mossy....



no bobble, you don't.....the point was that there are places where all kinds of terminology can be used and discussed ( although, I guess nobody is allowed to take exception , otherwise they get told to lighten up, which is not really keeping in with the original spirit of _this_ place, but I think that boat sailed long ago )...

...but that this space was unique, otherwise it would have never been created.......there are...were....reasons for these more specialized forums.....................I cannot explain more clearly how I did not take these words " personally "................but just keep on telling other women they are touchy.... and keep all the ugly labels coming for women who behave in certain ways ( but know that ugly labels are not always contained to the individual woman or group of women you specify, which is the bigger issue, and my point ).....society has always been a fan...no reason this protected space should be any different....it goes a bit deeper than your wanting to label me...this is not about me.....it's not about this guy and where he hangs out and what he observes...these are words that have been used against all kinds of women for a hell of a long time... it would have been nice to not have to see them in this one place .......that's pretty much it


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## Saoirse (Apr 28, 2010)

mossystate said:


> no bobble, you don't.....the point was that there are places where all kinds of terminology can be used and discussed ( although, I guess nobody is allowed to take exception , otherwise they get told to lighten up, which is not really keeping in with the original spirit of _this_ place, but I think that boat sailed long ago )...
> 
> ...but that this space was unique, otherwise it would have never been created.......there are...were....reasons for these more specialized forums.....................I cannot explain more clearly how I did not take these words " personally "................but just keep on telling other women they are touchy.... and keep all the ugly labels coming for women who behave in certain ways ( but know that ugly labels are not always contained to the individual woman or group of women you specify, which is the bigger issue, and my point ).....society has always been a fan...no reason this protected space should be any different....it goes a bit deeper than your wanting to label me...this is not about me.....it's not about this guy and where he hangs out and what he observes...these are words that have been used against all kinds of women for a hell of a long time... it would have been nice to not have to see them in this one place .......that's pretty much it



thanks Mossy. The BBW board is definitely NOT the place to use demeaning language against women.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 28, 2010)

Maybe it this thread were moved to the sexuality forum?


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## wrestlingguy (Apr 29, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> Maybe it this thread were moved to the sexuality forum?



Well no, and here's why. At that point, some would then complain that the thread was just moved so that men could call women whores.

I can't help but think back ten years or more, when there were only a couple of forums here, and there was far less divisiveness than there is today in Dimensions.


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 29, 2010)

Even though i was the first to criticize his use of an innapropriate word, i honestly think he just started the thread to get input about long distance relationships. 

It was not started as a decoy so he could be a jerk or denigrate certain types of females. 

It's not necessary or productive for the fat community to harsh on new posters. Set them straight or correct certain comments? yes. But not attack to this degree.


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## mossystate (Apr 29, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> Well no, and here's why. At that point, some would then complain that the thread was just moved so that men could call women whores.



I hate to break it to you, but very colorful labels are used all over this site, when it comes to some wanting to express their feelings about any number of people they do not approve of. Moving this thread would not cause any issues, because it would be in a more appropriate place, where anybody can say what they want...and be ready for feedback. So, keep the sexist language here, on the bbw forum, because of the possibility of somebody not liking that it was moved. Trust me, women are called whores elsewhere on this site ( using this particular example of snappy labels used ). This forum is here, as are the other ' protected ' forums - fa - lgbtq - weight gain - ssbbw. As long as they are here, then there is either an understanding of why they are here...or get rid of all of them.

As for the divisiveness...the forums were asked for _because _of the divisiveness. Things could have continued as they were, and that would have been fine with me, as long as nobody got special treatment. I just do not buy that things were so beautiful in the past. I am thinking that there was a lot of new car smell thing going on. Once people start stretching their legs and seeing how they want more...it's harder to keep them down on the happy fat farm. They become interested in additional things and find their voices, while still enjoying some of what initially drew them in.

Maybe there needs to be a Hyde Park thread started for all this. I know that there are protected forums here where ugly language would never be tolerated. Would be sad if the bbw forum became the only protected forum where this is debated...let alone tolerated. So, move this conversation....elsewhere?


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## LovelyLiz (Apr 29, 2010)

mossystate said:


> *Maybe there needs to be a Hyde Park thread started for all this.* I know that there are protected forums here where ugly language would never be tolerated. Would be sad if the bbw forum became the only protected forum where this is debated...let alone tolerated. So, move this conversation....elsewhere?



I think that's a great idea (the thread to discuss this). But since I wasn't around before the great split of...whatever year...I don't think I should be the one to kick it off.


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## mossystate (Apr 29, 2010)

LoveBHMS said:


> Even though i was the first to criticize his use of an innapropriate word, i honestly think he just started the thread to get input about long distance relationships.
> 
> It was not started as a decoy so he could be a jerk or denigrate certain types of females.
> 
> It's not necessary or productive for the fat community to harsh on new posters. Set them straight or correct certain comments? yes. But not attack to this degree.



Attack to this degree? Even after the first bit of ugly was removed, he was just going to keep up with the sexist language...here, on the bbw forum. This could have been moved and then anything said by any side would have been a ' simple ' back and forth. Sexist language has no place here on this forum. That's the issue.


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## goldilocks829 (Apr 29, 2010)

I'd like to put in a good word for long distance relationships.

I met my husband through a Yahoo Group about 8 years ago. He IM'd me with a simple "how ya doing." The cynic that I am, I waited for him to ask how big my breasts were, etc, etc., but he never did. We had a normal conversation. Then we had more and more normal conversations via IM.

I was going through a break-up when we met, and in the end, he is what got me through it. He became my best friend, and we talked for hours on the phone day after day. We still kept it on a friendship level even though feelings were developing.

After about a year, he drove from Wyoming to Ohio for a week. A month later, he moved here and a year later we were married. 

He is still my best friend, and he is the most wonderful husband in the world. We are both so happy that we started our relationship with a good solid friendship. For me, it made all the difference. I trust him implicitly, and that was a first for me with men.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know that long distance relationships can have a happy ending. 

Take care everyone!

Janice


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## ThatFatGirl (Apr 29, 2010)

Surfer, I Googled and found a forum for a BBW group in Nashville. I have no idea if they have parties or whatnot, but perhaps the forum is something to investigate. Google "BBW Southern Belles" and you'll find it.

As for LDR's, they can work but as others have said it takes a huge commitment and usually involves a lot of lonely, frustrating nights, time and expense of travel.. It ultimately worked out for me (married three years now), but I would encourage you if you're actively looking to connect with someone, try to find someone as near to you as possible to avoid the extra obstacles of trying to develop a relationship long distance.


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## butch (May 1, 2010)

FWIW, the LGBTQ forum is not 'protected' in the same way that the BBW forum or the FA/FFA Forum is. I allow greater latitude in the LGBTQ forum than I did when I co-modded the BBW Forum, and for some reason, the LGBTQ forum rarely has had moments that test the anti-homophobic comments policy that is what makes it 'semi-protected.' Perhaps if we did have more of those moments, the folks who utilize the LGBTQ Forum would prefer a forum with the same level of protection as the BBW Forum and the FA/FFA Forum, and so this current level of mod-protection might change.


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## Sweet Tooth (May 1, 2010)

Trying to answer the original question...

Long distance relationships suck. However, if you love that person enough to want to get to know if it should be permanent, it's something you just have to deal with as a temporary condition.

I've been in quite a few LDRs, who I didn't bother meeting until I had established that I already liked enough to make the effort to meet. It takes a lot of effort and honesty. While people can lie, there are signs any wise person can watch for. It doesn't mean you can't still get burned, but that can happen locally, too. I think the biggest thing is knowing that you're both truly looking for the same thing, or it'll feel like a big waste of time, money, and emotion.

I actually married one of those LDRs and moved across the country the week after our wedding. That was basically our honeymoon. It was supposed to be a temporary move. [Long story, involving plans we had before we got engaged, work contracts he had, and all sorts of other scenarios.] We ended up living there more than a year longer than originally expected. Those sorts of hiccups become huge issues if you're not truly committed to that relationship once the thrill of finally being together wears off. I just looked at it as that he was my best friend and my family, and, while I wanted to be back home, my home was ultimately with him.

All this being said, and some will disagree, but I think you have to be honest up front about what you're looking for and what your deal-breakers are, especially if you're going to invest the effort into an LDR. No matter how much you like someone, some things just can't or won't change. If she can't or won't move and neither can you, there's no sense in getting together. I know a lot of people don't have those discussions up front. I personally think it's a great way to not go through inevitable struggles later when you love someone but you have a serious area of incompatibility... and someone will have to give. Great, if you're willing to do it, but it's hell in the meantime while you try to figure it out.

Good luck!


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## Slamaga (May 1, 2010)

Just to add up to this, I had one LDR and it ended up to be very bad. One time, I dis say to my girlfriend of the moment : "What does it mean to be together, when we can't be together physically and mentally!" Two weeks later, it was the end and it was a great loss. For a part of me, it was a loss of time, but for another part, it was the loss of a great love (It really was at the beginning...)...

It made me think about this :

-When you are in love, be aware of the two weeks relationship... (and more with LDR two weeks relationships :doh

-Prepare yourself for an eventually two weeks relationship and try to get all the best from it before it is done (This worths much more for the LDR!)

I think I'm just cynical as usual XD


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## truebebeblue (May 1, 2010)

Two LDRs
I still love them both very much and wish things had been able to continue.
I date both of these men for a few years each.The first ended when my partner died right after we start living together and the second (I met him in dims chat) ended after I flew to England after three years,I guess I was a better fantasy than reality. I think these two relationships are really the most important ones I have had. All the things I desired I found in these two men but I wonder sometimes if a lot of that was in my head. Fantasy can be a powerful thing. Now I prefer meeting men from the internet very quickly. I do not invest much feeling until they make a good amount of effort,I am tired of the 70/30 split,it really sicks for the 70 person!

So I would date a man long distance again but I am not willing to wait years to be with someone... it's just agony.




True


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## Moonshadow_Girl (May 2, 2010)

DH and I met online nine years ago. We were only friends, nothing romantic at all, not even when he planned his first trip out here (he was a traveler and has been many places). That first trip, we became romantic friends, nothing more. After several trips back and forth to England, he proposed in 2005. Prior to that, we never considered ourselves a couple, just dear friends. Because he was from England, there were visas to sort out and money to be laid out, so we didn't get married until 2008 and just celebrated our second anniversary earlier this year. 

I think what worked for us is that we were friends first, because when the lust is no longer new, shiny, and pretty, you have to have some substance in the way of conversations and mutual interests to take it's place. I also highly recommend visiting each other, meeting each others friends and families to get a sense of who your intended is. 

Sure we wondered how our day to day life would be when actually had to spend more than three weeks with each other and see each other not only at our best, but at our worst, smelliest, grossest times too... lol I have to say, that even after nearly 2 1/2 years of togetherness, I couldn't be happier. My DH is the best thing that has ever happened to me. :wubu:


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## willowmoon (May 2, 2010)

Although for me I never had much luck in the whole LDR thing, it doesn't mean it can't work. I always like to think that anything is possible, it's whether or not you're willing to put the work into it -- not a guarantee of success, mind you, but I think you have to put a lot of effort into it and be patient for it to work at least on some level.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (May 3, 2010)

LillyBBBW said:


> Maybe it this thread were moved to the sexuality forum?




Good idea....seems like a more appropriate place for personal type ads anyway....which is what the OP came off as being to me.


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## kristineirl (May 4, 2010)

In the LDR I had, after a couple of months it seemed like I was putting in more effort than he was, and that was just unfair. 



willowmoon said:


> I always like to think that anything is possible, it's whether or not you're willing to put the work into it -- not a guarantee of success, mind you, but I think you have to put a lot of effort into it and be patient for it to work at least on some level.



I believe that this is true for any relationship that you may have, whether it be a LDR or your relationship with your parents.


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## Aurora (May 5, 2010)

I've had a total of three relationships in my life, and all three began as long distance. They can work, but it's very hard.

I just recently went long distance with my boyfriend of four years after spending the last two years living with him in his parent's house in California (I'm finishing school in MN and he'll be moving here in a year if all goes well). Communication is the key. You have to be there for each other.


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## wrestlingguy (May 5, 2010)

Glad to see the thread come back to topic after the discussion of tone, and semantics.

There are some general guidelines for long distance relationships that mirror any other "romantic" relationship, that the parties mutually agree on the intensity and pace of the relationship. If they don't, someone will "push" and the other will feel "pulled". Regardless of distance, that can cause problems.

You should both agree on the quantity and quality of communication between each other. For example, do you want to message each other while at work? Do you communicate via Facebook? Will you Skype, and if so, will you use a webcam? If you commit to talk at a certain date or time, keep your word and do so, or if you can't, shoot your partner a message letting them know. It's a matter of respect. Don't leave them in the dark. More important, if you don't keep your commitment, pony up an apology. If your partner is forgiving, it's water under the bridge.

You should also have a casual visit schedule. Who visits who, and when. Just like communication, keep your word. These times, due to the distance, should be special! If your partner flies 3,000 miles to visit, make sure they know how much you appreciate that, through both your words and actions. After all, the person who travels thinks you're important enough to go that distance, it's the least you can do, right? Plus, it keeps the relationship progressing, as potential love and trust develop.

Social networking is important. Nearly everyone has admirers and lovers from previous relationships on their MySpace and Facebook pages. Consider your long distance partner, and watch not only what you say, but what others say on your pages. It's not like if something gets misinterpreted, you can sit down over coffee together and discuss. That's hard enough, now put all those miles between you. Just consider your partner, as if they were there with you as you read a comment made by another on your page, or when you type a comment.

There are many more things to consider in a LDR, but often, the rewards are worth the work. There's no magic formula, the relationships should always be weighed on their individual merits.

Anyone else want to add some advice?


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## Surfer (Jun 20, 2010)

Sorry, I have been MIA, but I have had some short training deployments and then when back super busy!
Thank-you for all for gave me some where to start. No, as one mentioned this was not meant to be a personal ad but a question, and I would like to say that I am sorry this thread turned ugly because I discribed a certain type of woman.

Surfer


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## CarlaSixx (Jun 20, 2010)

I have had 2 LDRs that didn't start as LDRs. 

The first one I met at a dollarstore and it lasted just over a year and a half. His approach was to bring the most useless gadget in the store and ask me if I think it's a good investment. I had never seen that kind of approach before and it totally won me over. I was only 14 and he was 16 but it went well. He was in my city for the Christmas holidays and would head back to Toronto in 2 weeks. We talked on the phone and over msn a LOT and he made plans to visit me every 2nd weekend. As he was a dancer, this was kind of easy. Then he had to move to Colorado for his father's job and got some dancing jobs of his own. We still talked but obviously it was hard to plan a meet. He came back to visit once when he was in CO. Then he moved to California to start a professional dance career. That made it worse. I couldn't get a hold of him most of the time and it took 2 weeks later to find out he had been in a serious car accident and was hospitalized for some time, where he met a training nurse who was falling for him. It crushed me to hear this girl may take my place, so I ended it after 3 weeks of having to casually hear about her. 

The second one was from Europe. Great guy but broke promises and became distant. There was more vibe between us when he was around and he didn't want to put in the effort that I did. Well... It ended with me cutting all ties to him. But he was an awesome kid. 

I'm always open to LDRs as many of my older friends have had successful ones and I hope it could be possible for me.


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## indy500tchr (Jun 21, 2010)

I just want to say that this thread made me open a door I had sealed shut very tightly....and I am glad that I did it


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## AuntHen (Jun 24, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> Glad to see the thread come back to topic after the discussion of tone, and semantics.
> 
> There are some general guidelines for long distance relationships that mirror any other "romantic" relationship, that the parties mutually agree on the intensity and pace of the relationship. If they don't, someone will "push" and the other will feel "pulled". Regardless of distance, that can cause problems.
> 
> ...




this is very good advice (in bold)... just out of care and respect for the other person 

you could add Dims and similar posting places to that list, as I have seen quite a few people saying they are together on here publicly


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## queensizedelight (Jun 25, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Women, I am completely new at this after coming out of the a messy "Big D", back several months ago I have a question now that I am starting new......
> How do you feel about long distance realtionships and can you make them work?
> Reason I am asking, is as a newbie on this board I am beginning the dating process all over, and I am as far from computer savy as you can get, so things on the board, etc do not come easy. The availability of women where I am now is like NONE, and those that are here are skinny. I do not have the ability to move, as I am a Major in the Army, and am pretty much stuck where I am, and at 36 it is hard to meet my type of women. So any realtionship with the woman of my dreams will begin long distance. Then factor in my deployments, etc. So I was wondering about all you women on here since you all are, "the women of my dreams" can you provide any help, etc. Thank-you!
> 
> Surfer


 

With my experience, they can work BUT it takes so much from both parties! If both are willing to work hard @ it and both really commit it can work. It is very hard though, not many longdistance relationships survive because ppl tend to give up easy! Determination, honestly, passion, patience is a MUST.


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## Micara (Jun 25, 2010)

I've done one LDR before, and I'm working on one now. They seem to work out well for me because I am the type of person that honestly enjoys solitude and doing my own thing. If someone is in my face constantly, that's where the trouble begins for me. So I totally think that they are doable. The key, as always, is open, honest communication. I try to be completely honest with my partner about my wants, needs, and expectations, and I want to know theirs. If we're not on the same page, it's better to know now.


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## PewterBunny (Jun 25, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Yes, it is very true, those type of girls are waiting, especailly when you are an officer like I am. You really have to watch.
> Surfer



Surfer...have you ever stopped to think that maybe---just maybe there may be a big beautiful bundle of joy that makes more than you, and wants to be with you JUST for you? I make loads of cash but have no one to share my rewards with...maybe you should look at some women with more of wanting to be with YOU rather than what you can give them...

Oh and by the way...if you know of any other Nashville Men, that are willing to freeze their "nackers" off in the wintertime...send em north to London Ontario...Canada :batting:


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## swamptoad (Jun 25, 2010)

Communicate well
(stay hopeful 
and dedicated, honest &
be respectful)

Be yourself and
let your potential partner be them-self also
communicate well - (be a good talker and listener) 
mix up the conversation
and be a sweet and caring person full of wondrous surprises

Also ...

you can't always learn it all; the huge multitude of facts about 
each other in one session, nor should you try. 
space it out. let the magic evolve and remember to 
give each other some needed space.

Be considerate and don't always smother each other 
with the VERY looooooong chats or talks over the phone. 
Enjoy short chats or talks as well. 
Mix it up.

There will be good days and bad days for either of you. 
Be supportive. 
Show that you care and take initiative to
listen to each other. 

 

cherish everything and realize that its
hard work to make a LDR happen and takes 
a great deal of commitment.


stay sweet!


:happy:


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## goofy girl (Jun 25, 2010)

Surfer said:


> Women, I am completely new at this after coming out of the a messy "Big D", back several months ago I have a question now that I am starting new......
> How do you feel about long distance realtionships and can you make them work?
> Reason I am asking, is as a newbie on this board I am beginning the dating process all over, and I am as far from computer savy as you can get, so things on the board, etc do not come easy. The availability of women where I am now is like NONE, and those that are here are skinny. I do not have the ability to move, as I am a Major in the Army, and am pretty much stuck where I am, and at 36 it is hard to meet my type of women. So any realtionship with the woman of my dreams will begin long distance. Then factor in my deployments, etc. So I was wondering about all you women on here since you all are, "the women of my dreams" can you provide any help, etc. Thank-you!
> 
> Surfer



So...is the real issue that you don't think you can find a physically attractive woman where you currently live, or that you think you'll be taken advantage of? 

I grew up in a Navy town so I do know about the marry-into-military mentality. But if you meet someone off base you don't need to tell them precisely what you do, right? If someone catches your eye and you start a chat and she asks what you do for work just keep it vague until you know her better...tell her you work for the government. That sounds boring, even. 

Lots of people of all shapes and sizes and ages have had successful LDR's, so it's possible. A woman that meets you online though could be just as into that marry an officer mentality anyway...I know I'm rambling but I hope I'm making sense lol


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## Bron82 (Jun 29, 2010)

Relationships, long distance or otherwise, are difficult and require work on the part of both parties in order to last. 

That being said, it is possible for long distance relationsips to work, but they by far require the most effort in order for them to succeed. 

Just my two cents on the topic. 

Good luck, Surfer!!


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## wrestlingguy (Jun 29, 2010)

One of the challenges of the LDR for many is just leaving, to return to where you came from.

Often, it feels like breaking up, and every time you visit, you again run the risk of feeling that breakup. With time, you may get beyond that, but you truly need to be emotionally prepared for that feeling when you get in your car, hop on the bus (Gus), or get on the plane to head back.


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## LJ Rock (Jun 29, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> One of the challenges of the LDR for many is just leaving, to return to where you came from.
> 
> Often, it feels like breaking up, and every time you visit, you again run the risk of feeling that breakup. With time, you may get beyond that, but you truly need to be emotionally prepared for that feeling when you get in your car, hop on the bus (Gus), or get on the plane to head back.



This is so true. I know from my own experience that it was absolutely *heart-wrenching* and painful every time my long-distance love and I had to say good bye and go our separate ways, which is why I said in my earlier post that I feel like if a LDR is going to work, a plan has to be set in place pretty early on to make it *non-long-distance* as quickly as possible. I just think that the longer it drags on, the harder it is to maintain any kind of emotional (or obviously physical) intimacy, and I think that two people can only take so much of that heart-ache from having to say good bye and be apart for so long; after a while you just grow numb.


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## KnottyOne (Jun 29, 2010)

LJ Rock said:


> This is so true. I know from my own experience that it was absolutely *heart-wrenching* and painful every time my long-distance love and I had to say good bye and go our separate ways, which is why I said in my earlier post that I feel like if a LDR is going to work, a plan has to be set in place pretty early on to make it *non-long-distance* as quickly as possible. I just think that the longer it drags on, the harder it is to maintain any kind of emotional (or obviously physical) intimacy, and I think that two people can only take so much of that heart-ache from having to say good bye and be apart for so long; after a while you just grow numb.



THIS! This is exactly what happened to me too and why I feel I sabotaged it without even realizing it. Thanks for artfully putting what I couldn't


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## MzDeeZyre (Jun 29, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> One of the challenges of the LDR for many is just leaving, to return to where you came from.
> 
> Often, it feels like breaking up, and every time you visit, you again run the risk of feeling that breakup. With time, you may get beyond that, but you truly need to be emotionally prepared for that feeling when you get in your car, hop on the bus (Gus), or get on the plane to head back.



So true...



LJ Rock said:


> This is so true. I know from my own experience that it was absolutely *heart-wrenching* and painful every time my long-distance love and I had to say good bye and go our separate ways, which is why I said in my earlier post that I feel like if a LDR is going to work, a plan has to be set in place pretty early on to make it *non-long-distance* as quickly as possible. I just think that the longer it drags on, the harder it is to maintain any kind of emotional (or obviously physical) intimacy, and I think that two people can only take so much of that heart-ache from having to say good bye and be apart for so long; after a while you just grow numb.



I agree whole heartedly with this.....

The problem though is that people move at different speeds, and while one person is extremely comfortable, the other may not be. That doesn't mean that their love is any less than yours, but it may be a deciding factor for you.


Not ever being involved in a LDR before, this is something relatively new to me, and very much so a learning experience.


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## Surfer (Jul 13, 2010)

MzDee, you are so right on! That is the problem I had when dating years ago, the different speeds! Why can we not be programed to all get and do things at the same point. It would make things so much easier.

Surfer


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## indy500tchr (Jul 13, 2010)

Surfer said:


> MzDee, you are so right on! That is the problem I had when dating years ago, the different speeds! Why can we not be programed to all get and do things at the same point. It would make things so much easier.
> 
> Surfer



This also goes with even dating locally. It sucks when somebody doesn't love you back....yet.


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## LJ Rock (Jul 14, 2010)

indy500tchr said:


> This also goes with even dating locally. It sucks when somebody doesn't love you back....yet.



Very true also. I think with age and wisdom comes the realization that fundamental differences such as these make for a weak foundation to build a potential relationship upon, and that you are better off cutting your losses sooner rather than later. Move on and find someone who is more "your speed."


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## Crystal (Jul 14, 2010)

They suck.


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## Fluffy51888 (Jul 15, 2010)

Crystal said:


> They suck.




Agreed. 100%.


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## Dibaby35 (Jul 15, 2010)

Are they harder? yeah. But reality is I think any relationship actually working out has the odds against it. Now my best friend just got married to someone from Denmark that she met online. It can work out. Might as well take a chance. I still believe in destiny. Silly me. LOL


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## fatkid420 (Jul 15, 2010)

I am currently dating someone who is about 60 miles from my home and that is hard enough. 

It is to easy for people to be deceptive when you do not have the ability to see them each and every day.


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## Dibaby35 (Jul 15, 2010)

fatkid420 said:


> I am currently dating someone who is about 60 miles from my home and that is hard enough.
> 
> It is to easy for people to be deceptive when you do not have the ability to see them each and every day.



One thing I've learned in my older days...if you don't have trust you don't have nothing. Distance has nothing to do with it.


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## willowmoon (Jul 15, 2010)

Dibaby35 said:


> One thing I've learned in my older days...if you don't have trust you don't have nothing. Distance has nothing to do with it.



Amen, sister.


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## indy500tchr (Jul 15, 2010)

fatkid420 said:


> It is to easy for people to be deceptive when you do not have the ability to see them each and every day.



THAT is the one thing that kept me away from LDR's. I learned the hard way.


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## fatkid420 (Jul 15, 2010)

wrestlingguy said:


> Social networking is important. Nearly everyone has admirers and lovers from previous relationships on their MySpace and Facebook pages. Consider your long distance partner, and watch not only what you say, but what others say on your pages. It's not like if something gets misinterpreted, you can sit down over coffee together and discuss. That's hard enough, now put all those miles between you. Just consider your partner, as if they were there with you as you read a comment made by another on your page, or when you type a comment.



I deleted all my social networking accounts due to this exact issue, except baby momma lived with me and still it was an issue.


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## Allie Cat (Jul 16, 2010)

Crystal said:


> They suck.



They really do x.x I'm sorry v.v


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