# So, It Looks Like I'll Have to Give Up FAism...



## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 23, 2010)

Sorry to rant, but I need to tell someone this.

My girlfriend of three years never told me she had binge eating disorder - she was too ashamed of it, I believe - so I was pretty obviously surprised when she finally did recently.

You can imagine how I felt when I found that her eating habits, combined with a lifelong stomach condition, fucked up her digestive system to the point where she had to be rushed to the emergency room.

Long story short, she'll probably have to limit herself to 30 grams of fat a day (the equivalent of 2 small bags of Lays, for reference) and avoid almost all sugars, salts, and carbs for what will probably be the rest of her life.

She doesn't mind, as she recently told me she's disgusted with the way she used to live, and wants to lose almost 100 pounds (She's 212 now, for reference). She says she hates her body, and is a "complete dog" who can't even look in the mirror anymore without feeling repulsed.

Both me and her friends have tried constantly to convince her that she looks fine, but she insists she can't live with herself and that she's going to go through with her diet plans. For as long as I've known her, she's never had any self-esteem.

I can't be bothered trying to stop her anymore, since keeping her the way she is would just make her unhappy. By this point, I'm fully convinced that a fat preference/fetish is either something you either already have or never will. I don't think it can be learned or taught, so I'm tired of trying.

I'm not going to break up the relationship over this, and I shouldn't have to explain why. Anyone who understands the concept of loyalty will probably get it.

Myself, I've lost 40 pounds myself recently, but not by choice. It's summer in Florida, my air conditioning stopped working, and I can't afford to eat very much due to my job situation. I've lost most of my sex drive and attraction to myself, and everyone I know is telling me how awesome I look this way, which makes it even worse.

So, between the bad experiences with both my GF and myself, I've been pretty much asexual recently. I'm repulsed by fat women, thin women, men, myself... Pretty much everyone.

I've also lost all interest in food recently: I haven't eaten anything substantial in three days. Hell, my only interests over the last week seem to be staring off into the middle distance and surfing the internet - it seems to be the only place I can find people I really relate to.

I don't see any way this situation could get better in the future, so I guess I'm just going to have to give up being a practicing FA - for now, at least.

BTW: She knows about my fetish/preference/whatever we're calling it now, so she says I can "cheat on her" with other fat girls if it'll make me happier.

But that doesn't feel like a solution.

Second BTW: I don't have home internet, so my access to the forums is very sporadic. Don't be surprised if it takes me a while to respond.


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## joswitch (Sep 23, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Sorry to rant, but I need to tell someone this.
> 
> My girlfriend of three years never told me she had binge eating disorder - she was too ashamed of it, I believe - so I was pretty obviously surprised when she finally did recently.
> 
> ...



Dude.
IMO, just from your post:
You're very unhappy and somewhat ill.
She is very unhappy and very ill.
Her route to health and happiness is 180' from your route to health and happiness.
You could be her loyal, supportive *friend* and both of you can be happy, following the route you each need to travel, probably in a relationship (if at all) with someone else.
Or you can stay together and one - or more probably both of you - will probably be very unhappy.

I'm not saying - "Do this." Or "Do that."

All I'm saying is, when you feel trapped in misery, sometimes the only way out is to cut the Gordian knot.
If you think the best way to do that is for you to try and "reprogram" your sexuality, or just to suppress it completely.... Well, have a look at all those gay fellas in those fundamentalist churches and see how well it worked for them.....

Whatever you do / decide, the best of luck to both of you - be you together, or apart.


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## thirtiesgirl (Sep 23, 2010)

Jos is not off the mark here, and not giving bad advice (I'm surprised to admit, but glad to read it).

Based on what you've written here, I wouldn't diagnose your relationship as a healthy one. I've done my share of dating people with very low self-esteem, and I've never found that it's possible to build a healthy relationship with them. It's just not healthy for you to continue trying to be supportive, build her up, show her other ways of looking at or dealing with situations that sap her confidence...and nothing ever changes. Until she's done the work on herself to become a more psychologically whole person, she's really not good relationship material. And from what you've written here, it sounds like your girlfriend needs to work on her confidence. On her own.

I'm also under the impression that the relationship is not a healthy one because I'm not really clear on what you value in your girlfriend. Based on what you've written here, it seems like you value her more for her looks than who she is. I could be wrong, but you're lamenting the fact that she needs to limit her food and sugar intake, thus losing weight, in order to maintain her digestive health. I would think that if you valued other things about your girlfriend, like aspects of her personality, both good and bad, and aspects of your relationship together, you'd want what's best for her and would want to be supportive of her success in achieving it, even if it means that her weight may change. She's still going to be the same person, even if her looks change.

She may also learn the hard way that just dropping pounds will not help build her self-esteem. She may feel a false sense of confidence for a while after she loses weight, but may experience a hard crash when she learns that just losing weight isn't the answer to liking herself for who she is. That false sense of confidence may be buoyed by the fact that she's physically feeling better, once her digestive problems are under control. So the feelings of false confidence may last longer or seem more real to her than if she simply dropped the pounds.

I'm also not impressed with your girlfriend's "offer" of freedom to cheat with other fat women. The way I see it, what's the point of maintaining a relationship if you're not going to try to make it work? Having an 'open relationship' (of sorts) and staying with one person while having sex with others is simply a relationship of convenience, not one of mutual respect and love. Relationships of convenience do not add up to healthy relationships, in my opinion.

As Jos wrote, what your girlfriend really needs is a friend and support system right now. You can be that for her without staying in the relationship. In my opinion, you both need to be out of the unhealthy relationship and spend some time on your own working on your self-esteem. I'm a bit more directive than Jos, but having studied a lot of different therapeutic practices in grad school, that's the school of practice that works best for me.

I hope you both reach better physical and emotional health.


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## PamelaLois (Sep 24, 2010)

I think it needs to be said that from your description of your recent behaviours, you could be suffering from clinical depression. I would urge you to make an appointment with a doctor and discuss how you are feeling, your lack of appetite, your "staring off into middle distance", lack of sex drive, etc. All these are symptoms of depression. If you can get yourself into a better place, you might find it easier to make decisions regarding your relationship.


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## liz (di-va) (Sep 24, 2010)

I think that's a very good idea - to look into getting some help for yourself. Even if you weren't feeling depressed (as it sounds like you are), dealing a partner's emotional issues and an eating disorder is rough.

I don't think you have to give anything up, don't really need to look at it that way at this point (doesn't seem relevant). Just focus on getting the help you both need. Body size kind of comes last in all this -- who knows what will happen...

So sorry you're dealing with all this.


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## one2one (Sep 24, 2010)

PamelaLois said:


> I think it needs to be said that from your description of your recent behaviours, you could be suffering from clinical depression. I would urge you to make an appointment with a doctor and discuss how you are feeling, your lack of appetite, your "staring off into middle distance", lack of sex drive, etc. All these are symptoms of depression. If you can get yourself into a better place, you might find it easier to make decisions regarding your relationship.



This. Yes. And depression is very common and very treatable. I don't think that today is the day that you need to make a choice about your relationship either. I think there may be other things that you need more. 

Can you talk to friends and family and ask them if you can come over for dinner one night? Or ask them if they have any extra canned goods in the pantry they aren't using? If you feel uncomfortable asking, perhaps you could send an e-mail to everyone.

In your area, here are a couple places that might be able to help:

Hillsborough Information Line - Telephone: (813) 272-5900 - TTY: (813) 301-7173 
A direct line that answers questions and gives assistance to residents on county services and provides comprehensive information and referral on health, government and social services in the community. ( 9am - 9pm Monday -Wednesday; 9am - 8pm Thursday; 10am-6pm Friday & Saturday and 10am - 5pm on Sunday)

Crisis Center of Tampa Bay
You can dial 2-1-1 to receive free crisis counseling along with useful information and referral 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Help is just a phone call away.

Feeding America Tampa Bay
If you or a close friend or family member needs food assistance, we can connect you with one of these partners that is in closest proximity to where you live. For help, please contact our Agency Relations Manager, Carolyn Riggins at (813) 254-1190 ex. 205. 

Divine Providence Food Bank
5300 Adamo Drive, Suite G
Tampa FL 33619
Phone: 813-254-1190

Even if you only make one call a day ... just to ask ... it might help.


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## Ample Pie (Sep 24, 2010)

PamelaLois said:


> I think it needs to be said that from your description of your recent behaviours, you could be suffering from clinical depression. I would urge you to make an appointment with a doctor and discuss how you are feeling, your lack of appetite, your "staring off into middle distance", lack of sex drive, etc. All these are symptoms of depression. If you can get yourself into a better place, you might find it easier to make decisions regarding your relationship.



Very much this. This sounds like a huge transitional time for you and your gf and that can cause a lot of anxiety and more--without all the additional things piling on. Talk to someone, a professional. Sometimes we all need help. You can do this.


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## KHayes666 (Sep 24, 2010)

You're doing what you feel is right, there's nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you're giving up being an FA...it means you're thinking about more important things. Good luck


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## collared Princess (Sep 24, 2010)

Being a FA is something that will never go away..it will only get stronger the older you get..unfortunately looks like a life time of depression if you stay with her ..
All the best to you..


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## LovelyLiz (Sep 24, 2010)

Sounds like a great many issues being thrown your way at once, seventy-seven; no wonder your own emotional responses are kind of going haywire. I'm really sorry for everything you're facing, and I can understand why sexy thoughts might not be at the top of your mind right now! 

And I agree with everyone who said it's worth getting some extra help and support right now as you go through this (and someone who is not going through their own trauma at the moment). Such things should not be faced alone, it's too much for one person. Hope you're able to find the support you need; whether in therapy, or some understanding friends or family members.

Hang in there, man.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 24, 2010)

I told her that she needs to either get help or our relationship can't continue.

She chose the second option.

So it's not an issue anymore.


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## CastingPearls (Sep 24, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I told her that she needs to either get help or our relationship can't continue.
> 
> She chose the second option.
> 
> So it's not an issue anymore.


((((((hugs)))))))


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## thirtiesgirl (Sep 24, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I told her that she needs to either get help or our relationship can't continue.
> 
> She chose the second option.
> 
> So it's not an issue anymore.



I know it sucks, but I think you did the right thing. Look after yourself and maybe consider finding a therapist. Shortly after I moved to LA in '98, I ended a 5-year relationship. I found a therapy hotline directory that gave me the phone numbers for several low-cost community counseling centers in my area. They have sliding-scale fees, which means you pay what you can afford. Most of the therapists who work at community counseling centers are interns, not licensed therapists, but they're in the process of getting licensed. This is why the centers can operate with sliding-scale fees.

The first counseling center I went to, I was placed with a therapist intern who was my age and not very experienced. She was very nice, but I could tell I wasn't going to get what I needed from her. I then tried another counseling center, and was again placed with a young therapist in my age group. She was more experienced and pretty good for what I needed at the time, which was just to blather on about my breakup. I recall that I paid her $17 an hour, which was what I could afford at the time. We continued doing therapy for about 8 months, and then she moved on to do the rest of her internship hours elsewhere. I was then placed with an older, more life-experienced woman who was a perfect fit for me. Having gotten over the breakup, I started focusing on other life issues that came up through the course of therapy. We had a great therapeutic relationship for many years. I had some hard times facing some of the things we uncovered and talked about, but I'm very glad I went through the experience and it was one of the best investments I made in myself.

Point being, there is a support system out there if you need it, and talk therapy can be a very valuable experience.


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## FreekiTiki (Sep 24, 2010)

You are suffering from depression, like the others have said. I understand what it is to stay in a relationship, while the other person is in crisis. Sometimes it is best to walk away. I am very sorry for what you are going through. She did you a favor and the breakup will be good for you long term.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 24, 2010)

We've been apart for about twenty minutes, and she wants to get back together already.

FUCKING GOD THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING KILLING ME.


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## joswitch (Sep 24, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I told her that she needs to either get help or our relationship can't continue.
> 
> She chose the second option.
> 
> So it's not an issue anymore.



Dude, like folks said, you did the right thing.
Don't be too hard on yourself - you were placed in a lose-lose situation through no fault of your own...

Try to get out and hang out with friends, do stuff that you enjoy that takes you out of yourself....
Look after yourself physically - eat decent stuff, try to sleep well and get a bit of excercise... 
Build yourself up a bit in other words - mentally and physically...
Best of luck.


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## joswitch (Sep 24, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> We've been apart for about twenty minutes, and she wants to get back together already.
> 
> FUCKING GOD THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING KILLING ME.



Ok, now that's just fucking with your head.
Probably not deliberate, she is probably also v. confused & distressed, but even so....

This is an opportunity for you to take control of the situation.
At the very least I would strongly advise you to tell her, that after her just splitting with you: that you need to take a couple of weeks apart so that you can (both) calm down, and really think about what is best for you...

If the trial separation goes well, you may wish to remain apart... or not... but a breather should help you clear your head...


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## Dromond (Sep 24, 2010)

It sounds like she's confused and scared and doesn't know which end is up, let alone what to do. The one thing that did stand out like the Eiffel Tower in a cornfield was the word "loyalty" where the word "love" should have been.

Do you love her? If so, then try your best to stay and help her through this crisis. If not, you both will likely end up happier if you separate. Not in the short term. In the short term she will feel betrayed and you will feel like Judas. Only you can decide, we can't help you with that.


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## AnnMarie (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sorry everything is in shambles right now - I really am, and I sincerely hope it starts to turn around for you either together or apart, whatever ultimately is healthiest for you both. 

But I had to comment on this: 



> By this point, I'm fully convinced that a fat preference/fetish is either something you either already have or never will. I don't think it can be learned or taught, so I'm tired of trying.



Are you talking about trying to get her to have a preference or sexual attraction to her own fat? That's not really necessary to be a content fat woman - I don't get off on my own fat, I'm just fat. I like me, and I'm comfy in my body, but it's not really a "source" of stimulation for me. I just was confused about that statement, so had to chime in there in case there's some sort of thinking that we have to be _into_ fat to be cool with being fat. I don't see it that way at all.


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## CurvaceousBBWLover (Sep 24, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Sorry to rant, but I need to tell someone this.
> 
> My girlfriend of three years never told me she had binge eating disorder - she was too ashamed of it, I believe - so I was pretty obviously surprised when she finally did recently.
> 
> ...



Seventy-seven, you are suffering from depression. Please follow the suggestions of previous posters and get help. I know there are clinics out there. 

Stay away from this woman. She is not good for you. Go out and have fun. Join a group. Hang with friends. In the long run, you will be much happier without a woman who hates herself.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 27, 2010)

I have no idea how to explain what's happened over the last 3 days, but I'll try to find a way soon.

Let me just say that what happened last week was just a reminder for both of us that we needed to change. A lot.

But right now I've been focused on making sure the relationship survives the next few days without any more conflict. Another reason I'm holding off explaining this fully.

Anyway, I'm back to eating and sleeping regularly, my sex drive has returned, and we're talking more openly. The worrying is still there, though, but not like it would have been if I'd chosen the other option.

It's a long story.


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## curt (Sep 27, 2010)

So, is this a teen screenplay or you just trollin'? Pardon my insensitivity -- my compassion is disabled whenever my bullshit detector is activated.


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## Ample Pie (Sep 27, 2010)

curt said:


> So, is this a teen screenplay or you just trollin'? Pardon my insensitivity -- my compassion is disabled whenever my bullshit detector is activated.


you know what, fuck off. If you believe it's bullshit, but there's a chance it's real and someone is hurting, why the fuck would you add to that?

why not just keep right on walking and step over whatever possible "bullshit" might be in your path.


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## KHayes666 (Sep 28, 2010)

curt said:


> So, is this a teen screenplay or you just trollin'? Pardon my insensitivity -- my compassion is disabled whenever my bullshit detector is activated.



Why would it matter to you either way?


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## Mishty (Sep 28, 2010)

curt said:


> So, is this a teen screenplay or you just trollin'? Pardon my insensitivity -- my compassion is disabled whenever my bullshit detector is activated.



Sorry the "Drama" of this poor kids life seems to interfere with your 41 posts all made on threads about weight gain? REALLY? This kid post as open and as honest as he can, and he seemed to be really thoughtful, and a bit confused. He doesn't need a frap-frap fatty chaser calling bullshit on him. 


You seem more Trolly than him to be honest.


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## Tooz (Sep 28, 2010)

Frankly, she sounds like a train wreck. If she's a sinking ship, don't go down with her. You're young yet and can find what you're looking for elsewhere...


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## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 29, 2010)

I've spent a lot of my free time over the last three days trying to get pretty much everything on my mind out, so I hope you like angst and text walls.

If anyone wants me to prove that this is real, just tell me what I can do to verify it. If you're just trying to provoke a reaction, oh well.

First of all, let me clarify a few things:

1. The reason I used loyalty instead of love was because I wanted to explain it from a more rational perspective. I know people who've stayed with partners they really shouldn't have (e.g.: abusers) due to their feelings. IMO, if a relationship will work (and not end in melodrama), it should check out from the brain's point of view as well as the heart's, which is why I asked you all for advice in the first place. 

I hoped it would become obvious to everyone, through my actions, that we love each other. But in case it isn't: We do. We've spent the last 4 years helping each other (or at least trying to) through our family situations. We've reached the point where we can finish each other's sentences and know when the other is going to call. The prospect of living without her is what I have nightmares about, and she's repeatedly told me the same thing.

In fact, his isn't the first time we've split over some argument, then gotten back together - it's the fourth. The bond seems to get stronger each time we reconcile (which is why we've never been able to stay out of contact for more than a few days), but we've both been trying our hardest to break that cycle ever since Friday highlighted exactly how much it can't keep going on.

2. When I wrote that last post, I was well aware that I can't get involved in some kind of Pygmalion scheme (anyone else had to read that play in high school?) or force her to bend to my will. At least, not if I ever want her to enjoy her life. I can only make suggestions and hope that she trusts me and wants to change enough for them to stick.

3. After talking it over with her, I have to fix a mistake I made in the first post. She did sometimes eat out of emotion (and boredom) but she didn't know she had a "disorder" until recently. She just wasn't aware of how much she was eating until it started making her sick. That's why she didn't tell me.

Now: I don't really want to relive the last few days, but I guess I'll have to if I want to objectively analyze them.

First of all: It wasn't the prospect of her losing weight that I found unacceptable, it was the reasons behind it. If she had to diet herself down to 90 pounds for the rest of her life because of a medical condition, I wouldn't have been angry at all. My FA side would angst over it, but I wouldn't be angry.

However, what I don't think I told you in the first post is that, at one point recently, not only did she want to lose 100 pounds, she wanted to bleach her hair, start wearing wonderbras (and possibly have enhancement surgery), and get a nose job. I realized that fat wasn't the underlying problem, it was a major self-esteem issue that may not have ever gotten better unless someone she cares about intervened. So I really don't see how distancing myself from her would help - I don't think she can work this out on her own.

Especially since this has happened before. Before we got together, she would sometimes be so disgusted with herself that she would go a week without showering, just so she wouldn't have to look at her body. We made significant progress with that over the first two years, to the point where she says she actually liked herself at several points, especially when she saw how happy I was with her size.

This was the first major relapse she'd had in a while.

Anyway, as I said earlier, she was initially very insulted by my saying that if she doesn't get help, I would break it off. If I recall correctly, she claimed that she shouldn't have to be treated like a mental case just because she wants to look a certain way. She said that she "loves me immensely," but I would probably be happier with another girl, and she just wants to be alone.

After I'd gotten over the initial shock, I'd pretty much resigned myself to going home, getting rid of all the mementoes of our relationship, and preparing myself for the depression that would inevitably follow. 

That's about when she called me, apologizing for saying that and offering to change.

She told me that she'd realized that she would probably still be miserable as a thin blonde if she didn't have me, and that she desperately wanted to learn to live with herself so we could be happier together. I said that it was up to her, and I couldn't pressure her into liking fat any more than she could pressure me into giving up my FAism. 

She told me she would try to do it herself. A part of her still wants to be skinny (and I don't expect it to ever totally go away), but she says she's tired of letting her insecurities control her life - she really loved the times when she felt that being with me meant she could like the way she looked, and wants to go back to them. She said she feels horrible for "almost ruining everything," and that she just wants me to forget the last week happened altogether. 

I told her not to do it for me, but for herself. I asked her what she wanted the most at this point in her life. She said: "you."

So, she's resolved to change her outlook. At this point, we both just want a stable and sexually fulfilling relationship with no more drama. 

She wants to try to improve her self-image however she can. She's still dieting and excercising, but I fully support it, as she's set much more realistic goals - she wants to go from a size 20 to a size 17, instead of a 4 or 5.

Shockingly, she also wants me to gain back what I lost. She says she was so much more comfortable with herself when we were the same size, and that she actually liked the way I looked back then. Even though it's what I've wanted, I'm nervous about it. But I'm trying.

Happy ending, right? Of course not. This isn't a happy ending any more than my decision to learn to write was the end of my writing career. She insists that everything's fine, but I know that this will be a long, hard process. 

Assuming she's human, she's still going to have relapses into that old mentality. If everyone else I know is any example, she'll end up having one of those days where something sets her insecurities off and the "thin girl inside her" will immediately start screaming to be let out.

It sucks to admit my own lack of confidence, but I'm still nervous that one day, she'll just up and say: "I can't pretend to do this anymore - I can't live with myself, and I know you won't approve of it, so we really should end it this time." However, isn't anything worth doing going to be hard?

(As a side note: The past several days have been entirely sexless. We've been almost completely focused on working things out.)

As for therapy... At this point, it looks incredibly daunting. And expensive. Neither of us has had the money to so much as see a dentist in 10 years, much less pay to work out our emotional problems - especially since we don't know how much of this can be chalked up to regular teen drama. I believe we're going to do it eventually, but... I don't know. I'm very confused at this point, but we'll try to work it out ourselves until the option becomes more practical and we decide we want to go with it.

That said, I'm kind of considering introducing her to Dims... Maybe. She might be able to use the support, especially since she's been flamed for her looks and social awkwardness on pretty much every other forum, but this isn't the kind of place someone can just jump into if they're not already familiar with FAism. Plus, I'm not sure if I want her to see this topic. She doesn't know exactly how much I've told you, and it will probably make her uncomfortable to see it.

All those news stories and warnings from the fam tell me not to put anything this personal out on the internet, but I trust you guys with this information more than anyone I know IRL - except her, of course. If anything interesting happens soon, I'll fill you in on it. 

However, I must admit I'm getting tired of talking about this.

BTW: We've found that her gallstones are easily treatable - if you have good health insurance and money. She, however, may well have to live with it for the rest of her life. 

I'm a little upset about this, but it'll pass.

--

EDIT: 

http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/scorpio.html

I usually place no faith in astrology, but seriously: What the fuck. Stop reading my posts, Rob.


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## mossystate (Sep 29, 2010)

Not that age can always be used as an ah-HA! weapon...but in this case, I think it is valid to say that age 19, you shouldn't really be trying to maneuver this kind of back and forth over four years time. 

I read where you said you are " semi-closeted ". She is in her own closet. Neither of you really have the emotional strength to try and bolster up the other...on again...off again. Aren't you just tired of it? I would ask her the same. The " bond " isn't necessarily stronger - it might be more desperate, to a degree. You both get anxious when you ever think that ' this is it, forever '. 

You get hopeful when you hear her say she is happier with her body, and that she wants to set a more " realistic " goal. But don't you think that might be less about her making good decisions, for herself, than it is about wanting to please you. You are looking at all this as too much just about her. Have you thought about seeking some help? If you are closeted, at all, with some of your own life, don't you think that might affect how you think about not only your own life, but the life of this young woman you are with...and that it is one thing that feeds her own issues. Not saying you are the cause of any of her struggles...just as she is ultimately not the cause of any of yours...but you are way too focused on her problems to the point that you want her to " trust " you, when you are not really in the best position to guide. You both want to be the other persons lifeboat. 

Most of this has very...very...very...little to do with weight. Both of you...both...are playing an exhausting game. May I ask how often you two see one another?...or do you live with one another? Have you two looked into low cost therapy, like through the Y? Not to go together...separate. Being really honest with a third party, and only about your own life...can bring to the surface, a lot of knowledge....if you are open to it. Can't be about the other person's problems.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 29, 2010)

That's an incredibly accurate analysis, however:

It must have been quite a while ago that I said I was semi-closeted, because I definitely don't remember saying it in this thread.

Anyway, that no longer applies. The only people who don't know by this point are my family, because I don't share my sexual preferences with them.

She lives in New Port Richey (about 45 minutes north of here, for the reference) and neither of us have finished learning to drive yet, so we see each other in person a few hours a week.

We talk on the phone a few times a week - usually for about an hour - and IM each other with the same frequency.

I've tried to be honest about my own life, but I really don't like talking about it with anyone, which is why I focus on other people. I could explain why, but that would require another text wall.

Yes, I am tired of the back-and-forth, but I've really gotten used to the prospects of spending my life with her, which she's said she agrees with - she's mentioned promise rings in the recent past.

We may well be too young to decide, but never felt this way about anyone else. She's the only person besides my grandma that I can say I've really, truly loved. 

We argue a lot, and we say things that piss each other off a lot, but the prospect of breaking it off with her and having to go back to that absolutely shitty dating scene, seeing girls that I find sexually attractive, but don't relate to... I don't think I could handle that, even though I came close to it.

No one is more aware then me how possible it is for this to turn into a train wreck, but words can't express how much I don't want that to happen. 

This relationship is flawed, but everything else I've been involved in, as well as my family situation, has been a complete write-off so far.

However, I know I will try therapy. It's just a question of when.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Sep 29, 2010)

Also, sorry to keep linking what may seem like bullshit, but every time we've "broken up" has been exactly like this: http://www.theonion.com/articles/breakup-doesnt-seem-to-have-changed-relationship,3124/

I don't think one more time would be much different.

I'm pretty sure that at this point, I love her unconditionally. I really hope she feels the same way.


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## mossystate (Sep 29, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> > Anyway, that no longer applies. The only people who don't know by this point are my family, because I don't share my sexual preferences with them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 3, 2010)

Thank you for your advice. So far, we've managed to get over every issue except her health. I'm trying to figure out if there's any advice, dietary or otherwise, I can give her that will help. 

If it all possible, I'd love to see it cleared up eventually, even though it seems that it could well be a lifelong condition unless she gets surgery, which is, of course, out of my control. If it can't be resolved, though, it's not the end of the world. 

Also, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my own depression, but at least the situation won't get any worse, barring some major surprise in the future.


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 3, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Thank you for your advice. So far, we've managed to get over every issue except her health. I'm trying to figure out if there's any advice, dietary or otherwise, I can give her that will help.
> 
> If it all possible, I'd love to see it cleared up eventually, even though it seems that it could well be a lifelong condition unless she gets surgery, which is, of course, out of my control. If it can't be resolved, though, it's not the end of the world.
> 
> Also, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my own depression, but at least the situation won't get any worse, barring some major surprise in the future.



I cannot recall what's wrong with her, but you might try googling her condition " + nutrition". 

If surgery would help her, she should look into getting into a public hospital's system. They determine what you pay based on a sliding scale, and for some people, they don't have to pay anything. Usually, what happens (unless emergency surgery is needed), you go into the business office (call beforehand so you know what to bring) to apply, then you get placed with a primary care, then they'll refer you to a specialty clinic in the hospital. It can be a daunting task, I know this from personal experience, but having a plan and back-up, just in case your health deteriorates, is very helpful. If something happens, and she suddenly has problems, she should go to the ER. Legally, she cannot be turned away, and if she needs emergency tests, treatments, and/or surgery, they will do so. 

Also, are either of you students? Universities have student health centers and free counseling, so you might look into that too. If you aren't there are free or low cost mental health clinics out there. Your county health department should be able to steer you in the right direction: http://www.hillscountyhealth.org/

Good luck


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 3, 2010)

It's mostly gallstones (as well as some related condition I can't remember the name of at the moment), as, in addition to the stuff I mentioned earlier, she'd been both yo-yo dieting and living on cheap junk food for a while.

She's past the "vomiting, inability to eat anything, and unholy amounts of pain" phase, and there's no reason for her to have go back to the hospital anytime in the near future, but she's been put on a very strict diet. 

I mean "30 grams of fat a day and no cake, ice cream, coffee, pizza, fried foods, mayo, butter, salad dressings, or non-lean meats for the rest of your life" strict. I don't remember the exact conditions, but I can ask her later.

She's lost 10 or 15 pounds in the she was put on it in late June, and she's planning to lose 20 or 30 more, which I fully support, but:

1. I'm wondering if there will be any safe way to stabilize her weight once she reaches her goal.

and...

2. Is there any diet advice I can give her that will make the process go more smoothly? My mom's an amateur nutritionist and keeps a lot of health books around the house (this is the first time I've used them, as I've always been fairly fit) and they recommend things like lemon juice and olive oil, apple juice, lots of water, etc. but they're all pretty vague.

I know at least some of you guys have had experience with this kind of thing before. Any advice you can give?


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## mossystate (Oct 3, 2010)

Sorry, but since you are asking out here in a very public arena, I am going to say it....you have your heads buried in sand....both of you. You mentioned your depression as if it is just some simple chore to get over during a slow weekend, and that it doesn't affect _every_ aspect of your life, including your relationships with others. You would rather make this all about her and her health. She is the project that keeps you away from your own. You are desperate to keep this relationship, because, as you said, everything else has been a " write-off ".
Desperation is all about ignoring, or minimizing the swirling mess around you. You don't have to take any advice from strangers on a messageboard...hellllllllllll no...but I do imagine that one of the reasons you are not trying harder to get some therapy is because you are afraid of what the therapist might suggest. They will see, if you are honest with them, that you are using another damaged person to keep from seeing your own pain. If tomorrow she started on a path, for herself, of better health...physical and otherwise, and with the help of others...and you are still in the " all the problems are hers " mode, I guarantee she will see a different kind of life she could have, and if you are not working seperately on yourself...she will be gone. This scenario could also be reversed, with you in your own drivers seat. If. If. If. Right now, both of you are too busy doing the clusterfuck dance, and going to books and messageboards for The Answer. 

Keep making all the problems in your relationship about her weight...won't be the first time I have ever seen that.


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## joswitch (Oct 3, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> It's mostly gallstones (as well as some related condition I can't remember the name of at the moment), as, in addition to the stuff I mentioned earlier, she'd been both yo-yo dieting and living on cheap junk food for a while.
> 
> She's past the "vomiting, inability to eat anything, and unholy amounts of pain" phase, and there's no reason for her to have go back to the hospital anytime in the near future, but she's been put on a very strict diet.
> 
> ...



Honestly chap, if your gf has gall stones / gall bladder problems, she will not be able to digest more than a very little fat... She may have problems even with olive oil... Really, she needs professional advice (doctors / nutrutionist) on her best bet for nutrition, not just what not to eat, but what's best TO eat given her condition... She still needs fat soluble vitamins, so she needs to find a digestible source of those...
That given, she will almost certainly lose, maybe a lot, more... she may even struggle to maintain a healthy (thin) weight...
So, that's her struggle...

Yours is coping with your own feelings/depression...
Don't think you're doing her any favours by putting that off...
If you are still in her life, as a friend or a lover, then you'll be in a much better position to be strong for her, if you are strong in and of yourself....
Good luck.


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## Saoirse (Oct 3, 2010)

Wait a fucking second.

She has a *health problem*, that is painful and can become quite serious... and YOU are upset with her losing weight?

areyoufuckingkiddingme?


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## joswitch (Oct 3, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Wait a fucking second.
> 
> She has a *health problem*, that is painful and can become quite serious... and YOU are upset with her losing weight?
> 
> areyoufuckingkiddingme?


:doh:
At least read the guys posts properly, there's way more to it than that.


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## Dromond (Oct 3, 2010)

Gall bladder attacks feel like a white hot spike being shoved through your body. That's serious fraking pain. Been there, done that. If you can't support her without regard to how much she weighs, that is your problem and not hers. As mossy has stated, your head is clearly buried in the sand.


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## Dromond (Oct 3, 2010)

joswitch said:


> :doh:
> At least read the guys posts properly, there's way more to it than that.



Yes there is more to it than that, but Saoirse as found the core of the problem.


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## joswitch (Oct 3, 2010)

Dromond said:


> Gall bladder attacks feel like a white hot spike being shoved through your body. That's serious fraking pain. Been there, done that. If you can't support her without regard to how much she weighs, that is your problem and not hers. As mossy has stated, your head is clearly buried in the sand.
> 
> Yes there is more to it than that, but Saoirse as found the core of the problem.



Argh.:doh: 
I pity the fool who posts on here looking for support / advice.

She: has eating disorder, gall bladder is wrecked. 
He: is probably clinically depressed, is struggling with various conflicted feelings.
They: seem trapped in a relationship that may be bad for both of them.

Telling the dude off?
Unlikely as hell to help anybody.

Ugh. 
Blah. 
and also 
Gah.


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## Dromond (Oct 3, 2010)

I'm not trying to "tell the dude off," but there is a difference between being supportive and being enabling. Sometimes a hard dose of truth is what a person really needs.


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## Famouslastwords (Oct 3, 2010)

Gall bladders can be removed, you don't need them to survive.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 3, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> If she had to diet herself down to 90 pounds for the rest of her life because of a medical condition, I wouldn't have been angry at all.



Try reading more carefully.

And she *had* an eating disorder. Past tense.

And yes, I accept that her health is out of my control, and my own mental health doesn't have anything to do with her weight. I'm neither stupid nor overbearing enough to believe otherwise. All I was wondering is if there was any advice I could give her.

As for myself, I've had these problems since I was 10, and I know they're not just going to go away on their own no matter how much willpower I apply. I'm trying to improve, I've just been so busy (and broke) recently that I haven't had time or money to do much more than complain to people. That will change soon, though.


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## shinyapple (Oct 3, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Try reading more carefully.
> 
> And she *had* an eating disorder. Past tense.
> 
> ...



The way she reacts to her eating disorder may have changed, but an eating disorder is never truly "past tense". It's a continual disorder the same way addiction or substance abuse is. You may be in recovery or what I refer to as remission, where you don't act on it. That doesn't mean that it goes away. It's still there and beating it will be a lifelong battle.

I don't want this to come across as me criticizing or beating up on you. Just trying to give some helpful advice from a person who has no insurance and has had major, major medical issues over the last year. It is worth the effort to call the hospitals or clinics in your area to find out what financial assistance programs they can provide. Don't just assume it's a brick wall. Ask. Do research. If the hospital has a website, go poking around and see what they offer for charity care. If she needs gall bladder surgery and the need is significant to improve her quality of life, some hospitals will find a way to grant her those services at no cost. It can be a lot of work, a lot of phone calls, a lot of answering questions, and talking to a lot of doctors to get her issues related and verified...but it can work. It worked for me when I needed major surgery to save my life. Other hospitals did it for my aunt in the past when she needed surgery to deal with massive issues. The hospital and clinics I am being treated by now are working with me in every possible way. Options are there. PLEASE don't let her suffer just because the insurance/expense is a challenge.

If you have any questions on where to start, you are more than welcome to PM me. As much as I have been given and as grateful as I am, I feel like passing my experiences and the knowledge I gained from them on is part of the package. I may not know all the ins and outs, but I can hopefully give someone advice that helps or improves their situation.

Good luck


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 3, 2010)

I just finished telling someone this via PM:

She lives with her parents, so I have no stake in the decision of whether she gets surgery or not - and as a mere boyfriend (although a committed one), to try to exert that much control would be obnoxious.

It's between her and them - although it seems most likely that she won't get it, unless some major new complication arises.

As for the eating disorder - she literally can't binge eat anymore, neither does she want to. Not only has her stomach shrunk, but eating too much would pretty much mean a guaranteed gallbladder attack.

Thanks for the advice, though.


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 3, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Try reading more carefully.
> 
> And she *had* an eating disorder. Past tense.
> 
> ...



ok, this is often a common mistake, but when you have an eating disorder, there's really no past tense...like how when alcoholics that are in treatment they're "recovering alcoholics". She'll probably be battling this forever. I used to have very mild bulimia, and even though it has been years and years since the last time I purged, I do still have a strong urge to do so on occasion. Often, the urge happens when my life has a bad period of spinning out of control; so she might have a relapse if things become too much for her.

With the gall-stones, low fat, low cholesterol, and as little oils as possible. You might think about sending a PM to Miss Vicki. She's a nurse, and is often very willing to help out with any medical questions.


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## mossystate (Oct 4, 2010)

You cannot help her.

She cannot help you.

Not how you hope and wish it would happen. For the good of everybody involved, you must really get that, and not just on a superficial level.

Maybe try reading _all_ of what you are telling us here on a messageboard. It is not unusual for people to connect dots you are uncomfortable with.

If you don't " have the time " to do what you need to do when it comes to your stuff, how do you have the time to wave the right formula in front of your girlfriend ? I don't agree with you getting medical advice from people out here, so you can then give it to your girlfriend. Unless she is asking you to find the help for her, of course...and you are open with telling her with where you are getting the information. 

Her eating disorder, that she just recently told you about...is a thing of the past. This is crazy. Please go back and read your opening post...through eyes that have read some of what was posted after.


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 4, 2010)

There's a big difference between love and need, 77. The feeling that you _need_ someone in your life can lead to a lot of unhealthy emotional decisions. It sounds like both you and your girlfriend are coming from a place of need, rather than love. And as I've written in this thread before, from my perspective, there seems to be a lot of unhealthiness in your relationship. It's not good for you and it's not good for her. Both of you need to move on and find your own personal strength, away from one another. If you're ever going to be a good partner for someone else, you need to work on yourself. You're only 19. There _will_ be other partners. This is not the last and only girl for you.


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## Saoirse (Oct 4, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Argh.:doh:
> 
> She: has eating disorder, gall bladder is wrecked.
> He: is probably clinically depressed, is struggling with various conflicted feelings.



pretty sure those are all health problems, as I stated. 

She is sick, physically and mentally. He can't get a boner?

I DONT GET IT.


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## joswitch (Oct 4, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> pretty sure those are all health problems, as I stated.
> 
> She is sick, physically and mentally. He can't get a boner?
> 
> I DONT GET IT.



Dude has posted pages of worries and feelings, and all it boils down to for you is "boner"... You're taking a cheap shot, just cos you can..


Seriously, if all he was about was his boner, he'd've dumped her months ago, FFS!

And people wonder why blokes don't open up and talk about their "feelings"...


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## KHayes666 (Oct 5, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Dude has posted pages of worries and feelings, and all it boils down to for you is "boner"... You're taking a cheap shot, just cos you can..
> 
> 
> Seriously, if all he was about was his boner, he'd've dumped her months ago, FFS!
> ...



You actually listen to what she says? Shame on you!


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## Saoirse (Oct 5, 2010)

joswitch said:


> Dude has posted pages of worries and feelings, and all it boils down to for you is "boner"... You're taking a cheap shot, just cos you can..
> 
> 
> Seriously, if all he was about was his boner, he'd've dumped her months ago, FFS!
> ...



Sorry Jos, but all I can think about is bonerz. ESPECIALLY khayes' boner. :eat2:

call me!


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 5, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Sorry Jos, but all I can think about is bonerz. ESPECIALLY khayes' boner. :eat2:
> 
> call me!



Sorry if trying to convince my girlfriend to stop hating herself because she's fat is SO unacceptable that you have to call me out on it. Really, I am.

And I'm sorry that my posts were so long that you obviously couldn't be assed reading them, and instead try to turn the thread into a big dick joke.

I'll probably be taking a rest from this thread while I try and sort some shit out in my personal life.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 5, 2010)

Just for clarification:

Also, you obviously must have missed, twice, the part where I said that I would be fine with her no matter how much weight this medical condition cost her as long as there are no more attacks, but if at all possible, it would be nice for her to to both be happy _and_ still kind of look like the girl I fell in love with. 

Either that, or you somehow read it as: "I don't give a shit if she has to vomit constantly, turn yellow, and live in screaming, crying pain for the rest of her life as long as I get to fuck a fatty HERP DERP."

All I wanted to do was help a friend out, and people are treating it like some kind of mental sickness.

...

Also, on a more personal note, there are a few pretty damn valid reasons I haven't gotten help. I live in the outer suburbs and don't drive yet (working on it), I work 6 days a week (note how all my posts were made at night or in the early morning - most of my free time) and, not least importantly, I live with my mom, who thinks that I'm just being a mopey emo bitch and that therapy is where wackjobs go to get medicated half to death.

All that said, I'm off now. I'll update this thread eventually, however...

I've pretty much realized that I could spend the rest of my waking life searching the internet and asking strangers for help, but it wouldn't change anything for the better. 

I feel like I've made some significant steps over the last week - I'm slowly recovering from my depression, my girlfriend's told me that her health situation wasn't as bad as I thought (she hasn't had any health problems since June and is comfortable on her diet, which isn't as strict as I'd assumed), we're both happier, and we're talking much more openly.

I feel like I'm much closer to being at a positive stage than anytime in the past year, and all I can do is keep working it out IRL and hope nothing fucks up this situation.

Thank you all, especially joswitch, shinyapple, khayes, thirtiesgirl, mossystate, and TinyTum (for the PMs). Even when we disagreed, you really tried to help.


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## KHayes666 (Oct 6, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Sorry if trying to convince my girlfriend to stop hating herself because she's fat is SO unacceptable that you have to call me out on it. Really, I am.
> 
> And I'm sorry that my posts were so long that you obviously couldn't be assed reading them, and instead try to turn the thread into a big dick joke.
> 
> I'll probably be taking a rest from this thread while I try and sort some shit out in my personal life.



Again, why listen to her?

Do your thing and figure out your life, none of us have any right to judge someone for trying to pull themselves together.


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## Saoirse (Oct 6, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> And I'm sorry that my posts were so long that you obviously couldn't be assed reading them, and instead try to turn the thread into a big dick joke.



Apology accepted.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 15, 2010)

I've done a lot of thinking and (most of) you were right.

She can't change me, and I can't change her.

I tried to suppress my FAism as well as I could, but just drove myself deeper into a funk. I was almost able to do it, I think, but then I started having dreams about it.

I also told her it's her life, and she's free to do whatever she wants with herself. She knows that, but I just wanted to affirm it.

As for "cutting the Gordian knot?" Tried and failed. I ended up breaking down - hard - and taking it back. It was embarrassing, but I think it was for the best.

I told her that if she wants her gallstones treated, I know two nutritionists, a doctor, a nurse, and a med student I could ask for advice.

However, she's actually glad she has gallstones. She says it forces her to stick to her diet, and if she has any more attacks, she can take Oxycontin. She added: "It's wonderful."

I told her that running the risk of becoming dependent on painkillers while leaving the cause untreated is... you know, kind of a bad idea.

She's determined to lose at least 100 pounds, and "wants to be as skinny as possible." Nothing can change her mind about that, supposedly.

My response was something like this:







However, I'm not one to burn bridges, and I still have no idea what the future will hold, so we've decided to just wait and see what happens.

If she changes her mind eventually? Preferable, but I can't do anything about that.

If I find that somehow, I still find her attractive after all of that happens: Good.

If it doesn't work out?

That's also good, because in that case, there's a 90% chance that we'll both be so sick of each other within a year that we'll want out anyway.

In a way, this is actually kind of funny. Sure, thinking about it too hard makes it feel like there's an angry wolverine trying to claw it's way out of my stomach, but I've learned to let go, and it gets easier every day. What happens will happen, and I'm not going to punch this brick wall for one minute longer.

Also, it'll be quite a while before I feel like talking at length again, so I'm going to back off and not call or anything for a bit. Also, it'll be even longer before I feel like getting intimate, so yeah. The space will be good. 

BTW: About a week ago, before all this stuff happened and we were still very involved. she brought us both promise rings. I told her now wasn't the time, but she went out and did it anyway. I'm not wearing it at the moment, and I'm willing to give it back anytime, but it's on my nightstand just in case things ever get better somehow.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 15, 2010)

I see nothing but misery and continued delusion in your future together. 

This is just sad.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 15, 2010)

Yeah, maybe. But I'm going to let it end on it's own instead of just tearing it apart right now.

I've told her how I feel, and although she said she'll always take my feelings into consideration, she's going to do whatever she wants, and it'll probably be a cold day in hell before I try to talk her into anything again.

I'm working on my own life exclusively now. I'm lifting myself out of my depression, getting back to a sane eating pattern, and getting more socially active. If she changes her mind, I'll still be there. If it doesn't work out, I have options.


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## frankman (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't understand a single fucking thing in this thread.


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## Saoirse (Oct 15, 2010)

frankman said:


> I don't understand a single fucking thing in this thread.



omgyes. this exactly.


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## mossystate (Oct 15, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> ... it'll probably be a cold day in hell before I try to talk her into anything again.



Is that a promise? Put on that ring, and promise yourself you won't do that. 

Not one to burn bridges...no...just surround yourself with a lot of fires and blow on them to create a thick layer of choking black smoke.

You two are, at this point, ' enjoying ' what you are doing with one another. Make no mistake.


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 15, 2010)

Seventy-seven, you can end your romantic relationship with her and still remain friends. It sounds like a good friend is really what she needs most at the moment, not a romantic partner. Trying to continue the romance will make things worse than they already are. Being a supportive friend will give her time and room to figure out what she wants for herself, and do the same for you as well.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 15, 2010)

What? Clarify that.

I'm NOT continuing the romance. We're not dating, and I'm ready for it to expire, assuming it will.

I'm taking a break from talking to her for a little while, there's no real romance at the moment (besides us affirming that we still love each other), and I'm trying to be a supportive friend while leaving my options open.


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## Saoirse (Oct 15, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> (besides us affirming that we still love each other)



well there's your problem. stop affirming to each other.


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## Famouslastwords (Oct 15, 2010)

You can tell her even if she still gets her gallbladder taken out, she'll have to cut down the fat. Look up dumping that is affiliated with having your gallbladder taken out. She's going to end up on real drugs if she keeps taking oxycotin everytime she has an attack.


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## mossystate (Oct 15, 2010)

Leaving your options open?!?!?! You are stopping communication, yet you are being a super friend. You are not dating her, but if she snaps out of whatever, you might reconsider.

Not dating.

Not continuing the romance.

Not talking to her ( punishment ).

" end on its own "..." expire "

If she changes her mind you will be there for her...if not, you have options.

I hope this girl tells you to not bother her, if one night you decide to treat her with some communication. You both are playing games ( and I know it's tough for both of you to feel alone ), but you obviously know that you want this to end, and are scrambling to change some things in your life so you can cash in on those " options "...and instead of sending back the ring and telling her, in no uncertain words, you string her along. Not cool.


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## Dromond (Oct 15, 2010)

I've had my gall bladder out. If I eat anything that is too fatty, I vomit. Fatty foods just don't stay down. It's a big motivator to stay away from fat laden food, believe me.


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## LalaCity (Oct 15, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> And I'm sorry that my posts were so long that you obviously couldn't be assed reading them, and instead try to turn the thread into a big dick joke.



Saoirse turns everything into a big dick joke. Don't take it personal-like.


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 15, 2010)

Jesus H. Christ. If you care anything about her, the passive aggressive shit needs to stop. Return the damn ring and tell her it's over.

Kids these day.


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## mossystate (Oct 15, 2010)

MizzSnakeBite said:


> Jesus H. Christ. If you care anything about her, the passive aggressive shit needs to stop. Return the damn ring and tell her it's over.
> 
> Kids these day.



LOL

I was not drinking anything when I read this...but I do have a chest full of mucous, and my coughing fit was the next best thing.


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## Famouslastwords (Oct 16, 2010)

Dromond said:


> I've had my gall bladder out. If I eat anything that is too fatty, I vomit. Fatty foods just don't stay down. It's a big motivator to stay away from fat laden food, believe me.




Exactly. Both me and my boyfriend have had our gallbladders out and any time we eat too fatty food it comes out the other way post haste, it's awful.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 16, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, how do the two of you (Dromond and FLW) maintain your weight, then?

EDIT: No, I'm not just looking for a weight-based reason to stay with her - I'm telling her everything tomorrow. I really am just curious.


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## Famouslastwords (Oct 16, 2010)

I deal with the consequences, because I love food more than I love not having to rush to the bathroom.


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## Dromond (Oct 16, 2010)

I actually don't maintain my weight. I'm losing a pound or two a month, and that's okay by me. Since I'm in the 240 range now, I'm not going to waste away any time soon. But you don't need to eat fatty foods to gain weight. Carbs will pack it on almost as easily as fat will. Sure fats are more calorie dense, but the way carbs are metabolized make up for that.


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## frankman (Oct 16, 2010)

Dromond said:


> I actually don't maintain my weight. I'm losing a pound or two a month, and that's okay by me. Since I'm in the 240 range now, I'm not going to waste away any time soon. But you don't need to eat fatty foods to gain weight. Carbs will pack it on almost as easily as fat will. Sure fats are more calorie dense, but the way carbs are metabolized make up for that.



12 years, give or take, and you will be completely gone.


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## Dromond (Oct 16, 2010)

12 years is not soon.


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## frankman (Oct 16, 2010)

Dromond said:


> 12 years is not soon.



12 years is certainly not soon. Think of how many Dromond posts you can make in 12 years. They may discover artificial gall bladders before we finish reading your stuff...


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 16, 2010)

Just get more carbs over the next 12 years, then.


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## thirtiesgirl (Oct 16, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> What? Clarify that.
> 
> I'm NOT continuing the romance. We're not dating, and I'm ready for it to expire, assuming it will.
> 
> I'm taking a break from talking to her for a little while, there's no real romance at the moment (besides us affirming that we still love each other), and I'm trying to be a supportive friend while leaving my options open.



End the relationship. Don't wait for her to do it. You do it now. Say the words and break up with her. No more sex, no more continuing with the idea that you guys will have a relationship in the future. End it, making it completely clear that you'll be a friend to her but nothing else. Support her as a friend would, which means keeping boundaries in place, especially when she or you gets desperate and tries to rekindle the romance. When she needs to talk, listen to her and be supportive within reason. If she needs to talk too much, let her know that you have other things going on in your life, you'll talk with her later and hang up the phone. Don't let her monopolize your life. Let her build a life on her own, and you do the same. Is that clear enough?


----------



## frankman (Oct 16, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> End the relationship. Don't wait for her to do it. You do it now. Say the words and break up with her. No more sex, no more continuing with the idea that you guys will have a relationship in the future. End it, making it completely clear that you'll be a friend to her but nothing else. Support her as a friend would, which means keeping boundaries in place, especially when she or you gets desperate and tries to rekindle the romance. When she needs to talk, listen to her and be supportive within reason. If she needs to talk too much, let her know that you have other things going on in your life, you'll talk with her later and hang up the phone. Don't let her monopolize your life. Let her build a life on her own, and you do the same. Is that clear enough?



Just a suggestion, though


----------



## T_Devil (Oct 16, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I'm working on my own life exclusively now. I'm lifting myself out of my depression, getting back to a sane eating pattern, and getting more socially active. If she changes her mind, I'll still be there. If it doesn't work out, I have options.



So do it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. She's got her problems, she has to deal with them. Your problems are YOUR problems right now. Let's face it, you can't throw a life-preserver to anyone if you yourself are drowning. Deal with your own problems. You got enough to keep you occupied for the rest of your life.

She has to deal with her problems in a responsible way or she will self-destruct. You cannot stop this. SHE has to make the choice for herself. You wanted advice and everybody else has chipped in their two cents worth, so here's mine...

Save Yourself First! You can't help anyone if you yourself are a hot mess. And believe me when I tell you this, your recovery is NOT going to be an easy one. Her recovery is going to be even tougher and if she isn't even going to try, then tough shit. I know I sound selfish, But you know what? I'm dealing with my problems. My therapist says that I'm coming along nicely. I'm just trying to pay it forward.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

That was easy.

And we're still friends. Best friends, supposedly.


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## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

Never give up FAism.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

I can't. Tried and failed. I know from that other thread not to take the stuff you say seriously, but still.

It'll take some before I feel like getting aroused by *anything*, though.


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## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I can't. Tried and failed. I know from that other thread not to take the stuff you say seriously, but still.
> 
> It'll take some before I feel like getting aroused by *anything*, though.



Why does everyone think I'm joking? I think being an FA (labeled or not) makes a man a bad ass. Don't give up on it.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

Meh. It just means you have a fetish. 

If it's any comfort to you, I don't plan on dating anyone else who isn't into it, though.


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## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Meh. It just means you have a fetish.
> 
> If it's any comfort to you, I don't plan on dating anyone else who isn't into it, though.



In my opinion, it's deeper than a fetish. A fetish is feet or a woman smoking with leather gloves on. Liking a big girl is more than that, it's a manliness that cannot be replicated.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

Sorry for *continuing* to dump, but this thread is pretty much my angst journal by this point, so you don't have to continue reading at this point. 

It started out easy, but got worse as time went on.

Avoiding contact will be hard.

To get through this, I just have to keep reminding myself that this isn't my fault, and I'm not the one causing any of the problems here.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really fucking angry. The way I see it, she threw away our future, and possibly her long-term health, because she just couldn't be arsed listening to me, trying to adapt a healthier self-image and seeing a nutritionist or a therapist - even though I know there were much bigger problems between us under the surface. I'm trying to be rational and empathetic and all, but that's how it feels. 

I wrote a really pissy letter, but didn't send it. 

Oh well. Being a teenager, she's been through quite a few phases in the last few years: Goth, radical, anime fan, etc., and I just hope this is one of them, or that something happens that makes her realize what she's doing on her own before it's too late.

--

Anyway, we both have weekend jobs at the same place (that's how we met), so chances are we'll still be seeing each other every week. That's why we always have trouble staying apart - well, that plus it seems we always want to talk, no matter how badly shit is going. I'd quit or at least take a long vacation, but I need the money. 

We talked twice after I finally did it, although we avoided the relationship subject, her diet, exercise patterns, and new clothes are ALL. SHE. WILL. TALK. ABOUT. 

As always, she says it's fine, but knowing her, she'd say that about a gushing stabwound. She was talking twice as fast as usual and avoiding eye contact, though, so I know the deal.

Finally, if I was *enjoying* any of this, I wouldn't have given it up.

Just have to tell myself all of this will pass. Just a matter of time.

BTW: I really want to try something else, but rebound relationships = fail.


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## mossystate (Oct 18, 2010)

It was easy at 5:59 PM...difficult at 8:57 PM.

You should really go back and read all the posts you have written. You are still making everything you feel and want all about her. You ' enjoy ' this, because it continues to allow you to shove aside all your own stuff. If she told you to go away and never talk to her...you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. You want to be gone...remember? What she wants to talk about is her business...you don't like it...too bad. Don't talk to her. That you don't think you are causing " any of the problems ", just shows how much you have no idea what you are doing. Leave her alone...you would be doing her a favor.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 18, 2010)

OK, then. Would not being the one to make contact be enough for you?


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## LovelyLiz (Oct 18, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> OK, then. Would not being the one to make contact be enough for you?



It's not about what Mossystate does or doesn't want for you. If you think her advice is good, follow it because YOU think it's good. If you think it's wrong or off-base, ignore it. 

Don't make major life choices to appease a stranger on the internet...lol...


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 18, 2010)

Actually, I know. I just wanted to see if, theoretically, anything besides cutting off all contact for the rest of my life would make it stop.

However, I really have been passive-aggressive and submissive since I was a kid. It's probably what got me into this shit in the first place.

So, in fact, even though I will back off (I want to see what she'll do on her own, anyway) I should tell the truth.

1. No, I don't plan on not giving her advice in the future, in fact, I'll probably be doing it as long as we know each other.

2. I think you're being completely unreasonable, you can't psychoanalyze me over the internet when you've never even met me, and I truly resent you trying to make me feel as if her possibly self-destructing is at all my fault. If you hadn't gotten into this, maybe we could have resolved it pages ago, before the whole thread got derailed.

3. Maybe the reason I'm making it "all about her" is because *that's what this thread is about, for fuck's sake.* It's not about my childhood, how my job's going at the moment, what I'm eating, or how I'm keeping myself distracted.

4. If I could truly make a positive change instead of just getting her to surrender out of fear or guilt, I'd be willing to go through all of this again in the future. Yeah, I really mean that.


----------



## frankman (Oct 18, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> It's not about what Mossystate does or doesn't want for you. If you think her advice is good, follow it because YOU think it's good. If you think it's wrong or off-base, ignore it.
> 
> Don't make major life choices to appease a stranger on the internet...lol...



Patently untrue.

Most things are about what Mossy thinks. It's the natural order of things.


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## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

frankman said:


> Patently untrue.
> 
> Most things are about what Mossy thinks. It's the natural order of things.



I lol'd because he's not being serious.


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## mossystate (Oct 18, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> OK, then. Would not being the one to make contact be enough for you?



Yes, seventy-seven. That would be juuuust enough for me. lol You are right, 77...this thread is all about her, yet your relationship with her...isn't.....ooooops!



frankman said:


> Patently untrue.
> 
> Most things are about what Mossy thinks. It's the natural order of things.



Now, Frank...I think I have seen you in this thread, offering your advice...oh yes I have.:blush:


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## LovelyLiz (Oct 18, 2010)

frankman said:


> Patently untrue.
> 
> Most things are about what Mossy thinks. It's the natural order of things.



Just found it funny that he was trading pleasing one woman for pleasing another.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 18, 2010)

^^ Why are we still talking about this? What point are we arguing, anyway?


----------



## joswitch (Oct 18, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> ^^ Why are we still talking about this? What point are we arguing, anyway?



You know when it's 4am and the party is over?
But there are still a few people jawing away in the kitchen who won't get out and go home, even though you want to go to bed now?
That.
It happens to every DIMs thread eventually.
It's happening now in this one.

You're welcome.
Please tip the guide.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 19, 2010)

Thank you.

Anyway, we've worked out our resentments, we've agreed that neither of us wants back in this relationship, and we're still close friends - I think.

I didn't expect myself to feel this way, but I'm really, really happy now.

And it may be an unhealthy attitude to take, but I want to get into a better relationship as soon as possible.


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## Saoirse (Oct 19, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> \
> And it may be an unhealthy attitude to take, but I want to get into a better relationship as soon as possible.



probably the worst thing you can do. you'll just take all of the frustrations from this relationship and lay them on some new chick. thats not far to her.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 19, 2010)

I know not to take you seriously, but other people will probably say the same thing, so I might as well get it out now:

I don't feel frustrated anymore. I'm really glad things came out this way, and I feel that as long as I continue to work on my own personal problems, as long as whoever I find is stable, healthy, and fine with themselves, this set of problems won't come back. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel.


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## Saoirse (Oct 19, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I know not to take you seriously, but other people will probably say the same thing, so I might as well get it out now:
> 
> I don't feel frustrated anymore. I'm really glad things came out this way, and I feel that as long as I continue to work on my own personal problems, as long as whoever I find is stable, healthy, and fine with themselves, this set of problems won't come back. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel.



Look dude, you can ignore me all you want, but I've been in your shoes. A lot of us have. Stop being a dramatic dick and actually LISTEN to the advice you started this thread for.

You need to focus on yourself. Learn to love YOU. Learn to respect YOU.

Getting into a relationship so soon (um like a week) after a tumultuous break-up is a terrible idea, and the only reason you want to is so you aren't alone. That's the worst way to find a person to connect with. It will end in tears.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 19, 2010)

Sorry. I wasn't trying to be a dramatic dick - it's just that quite a few people were telling me not to take you seriously, so I didn't. Now that I see you're offering real advice instead of trying to get a reaction, I'll listen.

I do love and respect myself, and I have throughout this whole process. I am planning on taking some time to sort my own shit out, and I wasn't planning on seeing anyone new within the week or anything, or even the month - I just don't want to set a hard time limit before I start looking again.


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## T_Devil (Oct 20, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I do love and respect myself, and I have throughout this whole process. I am planning on taking some time to sort my own shit out, and I wasn't planning on seeing anyone new within the week or anything, or even the month - I just don't want to set a hard time limit before I start looking again.



You need to go to Burning Man or something. Seriously, you need to take a long, introspective look at your soul and find the flaws you need to correct. Stay out of relationships for now. You don't want to fall into a self destructive pattern. And you REALLY don't want to mess up another persons life either.
Just sayin'.


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## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

Your relationship has taken about 15 drastic turns over time spans of sometimes just hours. You did the whole thing in what? 4 Days maybe? That's is the time you took for: lying out the problems, heavy duty depression, soul-searching, asking for advice, ignoring said advice, breaking up, getting back together again, breaking up again, at least 4 very serious conversations, maintaining a close friendship despite all of this.

You should write a book, call it the 77 half a week solution. 
You'd make millions.


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## Saoirse (Oct 20, 2010)

T_Devil said:


> You need to go to Burning Man or something. Seriously, you need to take a long, introspective look at your soul and find the flaws you need to correct. Stay out of relationships for now. You don't want to fall into a self destructive pattern. And you REALLY don't want to mess up another persons life either.
> Just sayin'.



He needs a Rainbow Gathering!


as do I!


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## Jes (Oct 20, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> He needs a Rainbow Gathering!
> 
> 
> as do I!


 Baby, you need a DOUBLE rainbow gathering. haha. know what I mean? get it? internet meme? ok.

ANyway, OP, look. A break up sucks balls and it sucks them hard. You love her. You hate her. You love to hate her. You hate to love her. You want to love someone else. You'll never love anyone else again. You're all over the map. That's normal. The difference is that, instead of doing it quietly, you're posting every twist and turn to the internets. It's like a real-time breakup and while a bunch of people are sick of it, they still keep coming back to read it! And then they (and I) make comments. Though, in my defense, I haven't really read much of your ups and downs here, I've just noticed the time/date stamps on your posts. And, to address that for a second, it's kind of noticeable how fast you're cycling between down and out and up and irritated. Might be evidence of a mood disorder, and something to keep in the back of your mind. Anyway, realize that you're young, and everything seems like A Really Big Deal when you're young, and in love, and in reality, it'll all fade like everything else does as time passes. I wish we could all flick an emotional switch like we can flick a lightswitch, but it doesn't happen that way. Take a few deep breaths, and stop thinking that the way you feel right this second is the only way you'll ever feel about this topic and, if you want to help this pass more quickly, stop documenting every single moment of it here at Dims, where you'll end up looking kooky and everyone else will keep commenting.


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## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Sorry. I wasn't trying to be a dramatic dick - it's just that quite a few people were telling me not to take you seriously, so I didn't. Now that I see you're offering real advice instead of trying to get a reaction, I'll listen.
> 
> I do love and respect myself, and I have throughout this whole process. I am planning on taking some time to sort my own shit out, and I wasn't planning on seeing anyone new within the week or anything, or even the month - I just don't want to set a hard time limit before I start looking again.



Word of advice....NEVER come here for advice again. They will rip you to absolute shreds in case you didn't notice.


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## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> Word of advice....NEVER come here for advice again. They will rip you to absolute shreds in case you didn't notice.



Want to count the number of posts full of empathy and advice in this thread?


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## LovelyLiz (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> Your relationship has taken about 15 drastic turns over time spans of sometimes just hours. You did the whole thing in what? 4 Days maybe? That's is the time you took for: lying out the problems, heavy duty depression, soul-searching, asking for advice, ignoring said advice, breaking up, getting back together again, breaking up again, at least 4 very serious conversations, maintaining a close friendship despite all of this.
> 
> You should write a book, call it the 77 half a week solution.
> You'd make millions.



Ha, love it. Great synopsis, man.  

I do think tho, that a lot of this is just how relationships work when you're a teenager. I know I had my share of emotional roller coaster relationships (sometimes even just in my own head!) when I was in my teens and early 20s.


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## Dromond (Oct 20, 2010)

I apologize for my earlier comments in this thread.

It has been a while since I've been a teenager (longer than I really care to think about), so I forget how raw and in the moment the emotions are when you are young. It has been about a month since he started this thread, which isn't an unreasonable amount of time to go through such an emotional roller coaster, especially when you're still simmering in those teenage hormones. It's time to cut the guy a little slack, I think.


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## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

Dromond said:


> I apologize for my earlier comments in this thread.
> 
> It has been a while since I've been a teenager (longer than I really care to think about), so I forget how raw and in the moment the emotions are when you are young. It has been about a month since he started this thread, which isn't an unreasonable amount of time to go through such an emotional roller coaster, especially when you're still simmering in those teenage hormones. It's time to cut the guy a little slack, I think.



Not just that but he was asking for help and people gave him an ASS KICKING. Is that what Dimensions has become where the motto is "Shut up, suck it up and get over it"?

If all these people are ripping him to shreds when he's looking for advice, what do you think he's going to do years from now when the next teenager comes in looking for help? Cats and the cradle and the silver spoon...


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## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> Not just that but he was asking for help and people gave him an ASS KICKING. Is that what Dimensions has become where the motto is "Shut up, suck it up and get over it"?


I've noticed a lot of that.


seventy seven, you know man, I think getting into a new relationship could be a nice thing. Don't listen to these haters pretending like you need serious evaluation as if you're some monster. 

The poster who said "Don't ruin another girls life" What the fuck ? lol get outta here 

It's nice to find a new girl you're interested in and spend some time focusing on her. If not, use the time to better yourself how you want to but dont pass up an opportunity to spend time with another girl. I get the feeling the people here telling you to stay out of any other girls life are either

A) jealous you were even in a relationship
B) mad at their own life
C) Jelly, mad, and haters


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I've noticed a lot of that.
> 
> 
> seventy seven, you know man, I think getting into a new relationship could be a nice thing. Don't listen to these haters pretending like you need serious evaluation as if you're some monster. It's nice to find a new girl you're interested in and spend some time focusing on her. If not, use the time to better yourself how you want to but dont pass up an opportunity to spend time with another girl. I get the feeling the people here telling you to stay out of any other girls life are either
> ...



Yea, all of us who have been in his situation and have learned from the experience and are offering legit advice... we're all just fucking jealous and pissed off.

way to be a douche.


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## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Yea, all of us who have been in his situation and have learned from the experience and are offering legit advice... we're all just fucking jealous and pissed off.
> 
> way to be a douche.



If you're offering legit advice, then my post wasn't directed at you. It was directed at the people telling him to stay out of a new girls life. That's not legit advice.


And you need to calm down, what are you 12?


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> If you're offering legit advice, then my post wasn't directed at you. It was directed at the people telling him to stay out of a new girls life. That's not legit advice.



Yea... thats exactly what I told him. Because its a bad idea right now.


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Yea, all of us who have been in his situation and have learned from the experience and are offering legit advice... we're all just fucking jealous and pissed off.
> 
> way to be a douche.



While I don't agree with the wording of Nate's post, the premise is still valid. Not the "jealous" part which is ridiculous but the "pissed off" part.

Just because someone got fucked over and got over it quickly doesn't mean they should expect someone else who got fucked over to get over it just as quick.

Like Dromond said, the kid's in his teen years. Do people really expect 30 year old behavior from someone who's not that experienced?


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Yea... thats exactly what I told him. Because its a bad idea right now.











It's never a bad idea to be in the company of a female, even after a breakup.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> You're doing what you feel is right, there's nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you're giving up being an FA...it means you're thinking about more important things. Good luck



Khayes, all you told him was to do his thing and good luck. That's fine...your business.

There has been a LOT of very sound advice in this thread...at the very least, great things to think about. There was very little ' attacking '. He wanted to be given very particular advice, and got upset when some folks saw some of the boggling info he was putting out here, and wanted to have him see it as well. 
Yes, he is a kid...but he needed to hear most of what was said. Hell, you gave him a lot less than what he was looking for, so I wouldn't think any future teen poster should look to you.


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## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> While I don't agree with the wording of Nate's post, the premise is still valid. Not the "jealous" part which is ridiculous but the "pissed off" part.
> 
> Just because someone got fucked over and got over it quickly doesn't mean they should expect someone else who got fucked over to get over it just as quick.
> 
> Like Dromond said, the kid's in his teen years. Do people really expect 30 year old behavior from someone who's not that experienced?



I do know what you're trying to say, really, I do. And you're doing it in a way that's actually helpful, which is nice. BUT:

plenty of people gave their advice in a friendly and constructive manner. The OP asked something in an online forum which has a lot of people who ARE 30 or over, and when they give their advice out of experience, to spare someone really fucked up times, you can do two things. 1) Take the advice or 2) not take the advice. Option 2 has a kicker: it's all cool not taking the advice, but if stuff happens EXACTLY like people said it would go and you decide to post about it, advice givers have the right to an I told you so.

I know relationship advice is not always pleasant to read, but the people here DO have experience. Ask them for stuff, they give it, be it nice or not so nice.

That, and rebound relationships are doomed to fail; universal rule. People bring their previous relationship shit with them into new ones; universal rule. This dude had some serious troubles judging from his post, ergo it's not fair to the rebound girl to get into a relationship before shit gets worked out. Simple as that.

Yes I did just say ergo. 
My latin-fu is strong today.


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## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> It's never a bad idea to be in the company of a female, even after a breakup.



As a friend? yes. 
As a consentual fucking thing? Sometimes. 
In relationship? No.


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## Saoirse (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> While I don't agree with the wording of Nate's post, the premise is still valid. Not the "jealous" part which is ridiculous but the "pissed off" part.
> 
> Just because someone got fucked over and got over it quickly doesn't mean they should expect someone else who got fucked over to get over it just as quick.
> 
> Like Dromond said, the kid's in his teen years. Do people really expect 30 year old behavior from someone who's not that experienced?



I didnt know age was such a huge factor? Shit, you mean I'll have it all figured out when I hit 30?

shut up hayes, and gimme that bonerrrr


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## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Khayes, all you told him was to do his thing and good luck. That's fine...your business.
> 
> There has been a LOT of very sound advice in this thread...at the very least, great things to think about. There was very little ' attacking '. He wanted to be given very particular advice, and got upset when some folks saw some of the boggling info he was putting out here, and wanted to have him see it as well.
> Yes, he is a kid...but he needed to hear most of what was said. *Hell, you gave him a lot less than what he was looking for, so I wouldn't think any future teen poster should look to you.*



Its not my place to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. I'm not his father or his friend so I have no right to tell him what he SHOULD do. I told him what he COULD do if he wanted to. A lot of people told him what he COULD do and I don't have a problem with that. Some others gave him constructive criticism and I don't have a problem with that either. What I did have a problem with are people attacking him for his emotions.

As for the bolded part, teen posters should actually. I came on Dims when I was 18 and I got ramrodded for what I liked and things I said. I'm still standing 6 years later and I'm in a very healthy relationship with a wonderful woman. Teens could use someone to stand up for them when they can't themselves. Nobody did for me when I was 18 so its the least I can do for others.



frankman said:


> I do know what you're trying to say, really, I do. And you're doing it in a way that's actually helpful, which is nice. BUT:
> 
> plenty of people gave their advice in a friendly and constructive manner. The OP asked something in an online forum which has a lot of people who ARE 30 or over, and when they give their advice out of experience, to spare someone really fucked up times, you can do two things. 1) Take the advice or 2) not take the advice. Option 2 has a kicker: it's all cool not taking the advice, but if stuff happens EXACTLY like people said it would go and you decide to post about it, advice givers have the right to an I told you so.
> 
> ...



Good point.

I also agree with your point about how toxic it gets when you're with someone just out of a relationship. I've been there myself and its not pleasant. Being the rebound is a bad position to be in.



Saoirse said:


> I didnt know age was such a huge factor? Shit, you mean I'll have it all figured out when I hit 30?
> 
> shut up hayes, and gimme that bonerrrr



*whips it out*


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> As for the bolded part, teen posters should actually. I came on Dims when I was 18 and* I got ramrodded for what I liked and things I said*. I'm still standing 6 years later and I'm in a very healthy relationship with a wonderful woman. Teens could use someone to stand up for them when they can't themselves. Nobody did for me when I was 18 so its the least I can do for others.



Dude, you called me a "freak" and a "weirdo" when I told him to enjoy her as she is now with her medication and shower her with gifts and food


:doh::doh::doh:


----------



## LovelyLiz (Oct 20, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> I didnt know age was such a huge factor? Shit, you mean I'll have it all figured out when I hit 30?
> 
> shut up hayes, and gimme that bonerrrr



Is age a huge factor in how we respond to events in our lives? Um, yeah, it often is. That doesn't mean there aren't super mature teenagers and super immature 40-somethings, but yeah, a lot of people do mature and grow as they get older. When you've been through 25 breakups, you get some perspective. Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt like a mother-f*&ker, it just means you have some past experience and perspective to draw upon. That's not really rocket science.


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Dude, you called me a "freak" and a "weirdo" when I told him to enjoy her as she is now with her medication and shower her with gifts and food
> 
> 
> :doh::doh::doh:


Watching the two of you go at each other is like dueling banjos.

Please, carry on.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Watching the two of you go at each other is like dueling banjos.
> 
> Please, carry on.



I'm not going at him, he just contradicted himself when he tried to be the "teenage defender"
I'm 19, still qualify as a teenager and being called a freak and weird sure isn't being defended


----------



## LovelyLiz (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I'm not going at him, he just contradicted himself when he tried to be the "teenage defender"
> I'm 19, still qualify as a teenager and being called a freak and weird sure isn't being defended



Booya. ........


----------



## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Dude, you called me a "freak" and a "weirdo" when I told him to enjoy her as she is now with her medication and shower her with gifts and food
> 
> 
> :doh::doh::doh:



One of those moments where Hayes was right.


----------



## Paquito (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Dude, you called me a "freak" and a "weirdo" when I told him to enjoy her as she is now with her medication and shower her with gifts and food
> 
> 
> :doh::doh::doh:



That's because you are a "freak" and a "weirdo."

Fr srs.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> > Its not my place to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. I'm not his father or his friend so I have no right to tell him what he SHOULD do. I told him what he COULD do if he wanted to. A lot of people told him what he COULD do and I don't have a problem with that. Some others gave him constructive criticism and I don't have a problem with that either. What I did have a problem with are people attacking him for his emotions.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Dude, you called me a "freak" and a "weirdo" when I told him to enjoy her as she is now with her medication and shower her with gifts and food
> 
> 
> :doh::doh::doh:



She doesn't WANT that. She doesn't want to be fat nor does she want to be showered with gifts and food.

He may like how she looks but she's made it clear she's unhappy. It's wrong to be selfish in that kind of situation.

If my g/f told me she didn't like how she looked and wanted to lose weight, I'd be the first to help her do it because thats what SHE wants.

If you want to be selfish that's your own decision but it won't work for too long with one person that has any kind of independence.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> One of those moments where Hayes was right.


You're basing this off what? I think you're mirin me.


Paquito said:


> That's because you are a "freak" and a "weirdo."
> 
> Fr srs.


You mad?



KHayes666 said:


> She doesn't WANT that. She doesn't want to be fat nor does she want to be showered with gifts and food.
> 
> He may like how she looks but she's made it clear she's unhappy. It's wrong to be selfish in that kind of situation.
> 
> ...


He can always try his best to help her acheive happiness at her weight. That's what I'd try first, because I'm a man with a penis and it thinks for me and causes me to be selfish. Then, if she was still unhappy, that's when you break out the support for her weight loss goals and move on. There always a chance she enjoys your "FA'ness" if you turn it up a few notches and really show her she's sexy. 


Oh my god, what a freak and a weirdo I am!


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> He can always try his best to help her acheive happiness at her weight. That's what I'd try first, because I'm a man with a penis and it thinks for me and causes me to be selfish. Then, if she was still unhappy, that's when you break out the support for her weight loss goals and move on. There always a chance she enjoys your "FA'ness" if you turn it up a few notches and really show her she's sexy.
> 
> 
> Oh my god, what a freak and a weirdo I am!



You should have said that to begin with instead of "Yeah, tell her to eat more and shower her with gifts."


----------



## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You're basing this off what? I think you're mirin me.



What the fuck does that even mean?


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> What the fuck does that even mean?



Yeah, you mirin me.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

LOL

Yeah...great advice. Don't look at the person in front of you and what they want...no, first you try to convince them of what _you_ want. Should have said that in the first place? 

Quite the pair.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> LOL
> 
> Yeah...great advice. Don't look at the person in front of you and what they want...no, first you try to convince them of what _you_ want. Should have said that in the first place?
> 
> Quite the pair.



I'm a guy, and an FA. Of course i'm going to try to get the girl to become happy at her weight. The fact that it's so absurd to you makes me wonder what forum you think you're on. Seriously lady.

Learn to appreciate honesty instead of manning your battlestations


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

View attachment 86190



you mirren me


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

There's a sense of humor!

Come at me bro


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I'm a guy, and an FA. Of course i'm going to try to get the girl to become happy at her weight. The fact that it's so absurd to you makes me wonder what forum you think you're on. Seriously lady.
> 
> Learn to appreciate honesty instead of manning your battlestations



Appreciate honesty? Ya mean like the people in this thread who have upset you? Appreciate the honesty, Nate...bro.:bow:


----------



## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Yeah, you mirin me.



Seriously dude, what is the meaning of that sentence?


----------



## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> you mirren me



Think she's into gaining?


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Appreciate honesty? Ya mean like the people in this thread who have upset you? Appreciate the honesty, Nate...bro.:bow:



I've been thoroughly owned :smitten:





frankman said:


> Seriously dude, what is the meaning of that sentence?



I can't break it down any simpler: You're mirin' me.



frankman said:


> Think she's into gaining?



Come at her bro


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> Think she's into gaining?



Only for nate.


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> LOL
> 
> Yeah...great advice. Don't look at the person in front of you and what they want...no, first you try to convince them of what _you_ want. Should have said that in the first place?
> 
> Quite the pair.



I was talking about the trying to make her feel good about herself first part. I know you wouldn't know a single thing about this but in relationships it is possible to make someone feel good about themselves.


----------



## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Only for nate.



Stupid stuck-up celebs.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> I was talking about the trying to make her feel good about herself first part. I know you wouldn't know a single thing about this but in relationships it is possible to make someone feel good about themselves.





A deeply depressed person should have the very things that are a big part of the depression...highlighted and given a parade.

Oh......khayes.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> Stupid stuck-up celebs.



You jelly bro?

Come at me


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> *She doesn't WANT that. She doesn't want to be fat *.../snip.





natepogue said:


> *He can always try his best to help her acheive happiness at her weight.* That's what I'd try first, because I'm a man with a penis and it thinks for me and causes me to be selfish. !





KHayes666 said:


> You should have said that to begin with instead of "Yeah, tell her to eat more and shower her with gifts."




* strokes chin *

my chin


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> A deeply depressed person should have the very things that are a big part of the depression...highlighted and given a parade.
> 
> Oh......khayes.



Have you ever been happy in your life? Just wondering.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 20, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> Have you ever been happy in your life? Just wondering.



If I say no...will you show me the way?


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 20, 2010)

mossystate said:


> If I say no...will you show me the way?



No but he will:


----------



## Famouslastwords (Oct 20, 2010)

In before the lock. 

View attachment Duct tape.jpg


----------



## Paquito (Oct 20, 2010)

No, I'm not fucking admiring you. But I do have a suggestion. It starts with an F, and ends with an F. Care to buy a vowel?


----------



## Donna (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> Seriously dude, what is the meaning of that sentence?



Since Nate apparently will not answer a direct inquiry, I went looking on the Urban Dictionary. According to UD, "you mirin me?" means "are you jealous of me?" or "you are jealous." 

And for the other phrase Nate is so fond of using ad nauseum, "come at me bro" it comes from the MTV show The Jersey Shore (this is according to the UD. I have never watched the Jersey Shore personally) and it means that although he personally will not instigate a fight, he will not back down from said fight if instigated by someone else. 

Interesting when you consider that "pogue" is an old slang word used the in the military to describe rear echelon members. Pogues are looked down by officers and grunts alike. 

My apologies to the OP and other posters for going off-topic.


----------



## calauria (Oct 20, 2010)

LOL!!! You guys are funny!!!


----------



## frankman (Oct 20, 2010)

Donna said:


> Since Nate apparently will not answer a direct inquiry, I went looking on the Urban Dictionary. According to UD, "you mirin me?" means "are you jealous of me?" or "you are jealous."
> 
> And for the other phrase Nate is so fond of using ad nauseum, "come at me bro" it comes from the MTV show The Jersey Shore (this is according to the UD. I have never watched the Jersey Shore personally) and it means that although he personally will not instigate a fight, he will not back down from said fight if instigated by someone else.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the explanation. I always think of the fairytale of New York when I hear the word Pogue.


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 20, 2010)

I think Dims now has its own Jersey Shore 'Situation'. 

Heh...


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You jelly bro?
> 
> Come at me



Naa bro no one here is jelly, nor are they mirin you. Quite the opposite in fact. If anything all you are gonna get is some heavy dissin, Got that Bro?


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 20, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I think Dims now has its own Jersey Shore 'Situation'.
> 
> Heh...



Wait a minute, you mean we are close to water and we are still putting up with this. Who wants to be my accomplice.. errr assistant?


----------



## Famouslastwords (Oct 20, 2010)

Cinnabitch, how come I never see you on yahoo, but you be posting at this site and facebook. I think you're afraid of all the creepers who message you. CHICKEN.


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 20, 2010)

Donna said:


> Since Nate apparently will not answer a direct inquiry, I went looking on the Urban Dictionary. According to UD, "you mirin me?" means "are you jealous of me?" or "you are jealous."
> 
> And for the other phrase Nate is so fond of using ad nauseum, "come at me bro" it comes from the MTV show The Jersey Shore (this is according to the UD. I have never watched the Jersey Shore personally) and it means that although he personally will not instigate a fight, he will not back down from said fight if instigated by someone else.
> 
> ...



I am mirin


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 20, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> Cinnabitch, how come I never see you on yahoo, but you be posting at this site and facebook. I think you're afraid of all the creepers who message you. CHICKEN.



Cluck cluck little one.


----------



## joswitch (Oct 20, 2010)

Donna said:


> Since Nate apparently will not answer a direct inquiry, I went looking on the Urban Dictionary. According to UD, "you mirin me?" means "are you jealous of me?" or "you are jealous."


and "You jelly?" also means "Are you jealous?"


> And for the other phrase Nate is so fond of using ad nauseum, "come at me bro" it comes from the MTV show The Jersey Shore (this is according to the UD. I have never watched the Jersey Shore personally) and it means that although he personally will not instigate a fight, he will not back down from said fight if instigated by someone else.
> 
> *Interesting when you consider that "pogue" is an old slang word used the in the military to describe rear echelon members. Pogues are looked down by officers and grunts alike. *
> 
> My apologies to the OP and other posters for going off-topic.


And it was probably adopted for use to describe those army pen-pushers, because (in context) it's short for the gaelic
"Pogue ma'hon" which means "kiss my arse" ... back room brass would generally be thought of as ass-kissers by the frontline troops....

Incidentally "Pogue ma'hon" was the original name of "The Pogues" before someone pointed out they'd never, ever get any radio play...

Foreign language slang = fun.


----------



## Dromond (Oct 20, 2010)

frankman said:


> Seriously dude, what is the meaning of that sentence?



He wants to be cooked in rice wine.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

Paquito said:


> No, I'm not fucking admiring you. But I do have a suggestion. It starts with an F, and ends with an F. Care to buy a vowel?




Come at me bro.



And mirin does not mean jealous, despite what urbandictionary told you 

It's short for admiring, and the fact that nobody could piece that together says lots 



You mirin me?


----------



## littlefairywren (Oct 20, 2010)

Dromond said:


> He wants to be cooked in rice wine.



LOL.....that's all I ever saw the whole time. It just made me hungry :happy:


----------



## Paquito (Oct 20, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Come at me bro.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hey dumbass, what did my last post say? I'm not *admiring* you.

Dumb. Ass.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

Paquito said:


> Hey dumbass, what did my last post say? I'm not *admiring* you.
> 
> Dumb. Ass.



Come at me bro. You mad?


----------



## Paquito (Oct 20, 2010)

No no no, you come at *me*, bro.



See how ridiculous that sounds? Threatening someone over the internet. It sounds fucking stupid.

Like every one of your posts.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

Paquito said:


> No no no, you come at *me*, bro.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not threatening you lol.



> Like every one of your posts


----------



## Dromond (Oct 20, 2010)

Paquito said:


> No no no, you come at *me*, bro.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Let it go. He thinks he's the star of the show, and will never understand that he's just the piss boy.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 20, 2010)

Dromond said:


> Let it go. He thinks he's the star of the show, and will never understand that he's just the piss boy.









someone's mirin....


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 20, 2010)

Donna said:


> Interesting when you consider that "pogue" is an old slang word used the in the military to describe rear echelon members. Pogues are looked down by officers and grunts alike.



Pogue is also an Irish term for the word kiss, as in 'pogue mahone,' meaning 'kiss my ass.' Just an FYI. Not like I'm suggesting you use it for anything or whatever.


----------



## Famouslastwords (Oct 21, 2010)

I'd say this thread has gotten even more stupid, but it's gone beyond that.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 21, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> I'd say this thread has gotten even more stupid, but it's gone beyond that.



God! You're _so_ much _better_ than this thread! You don't have to put up with these childish shenanigans!


----------



## LovelyLiz (Oct 21, 2010)

I may be completely alone in this, but I don't hate you, natepogue.


----------



## Dromond (Oct 21, 2010)

I don't hate him either. I think he's endlessly entertaining.


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 21, 2010)

Dromond said:


> I don't hate him either. I think he's endlessly entertaining.



I agree. He's the Rumpelstilskin of the group


----------



## Famouslastwords (Oct 21, 2010)

I don't hate him either.


----------



## LovelyLiz (Oct 21, 2010)

Famouslastwords said:


> I don't hate him either.



Awesome. THREESOME!


----------



## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 21, 2010)

I actually don't think Nate's a bad guy at heart - he just doesn't know what he's doing and probably doesn't have the real life experience to know that changing a self-hating fat person's mind is damn near impossible.

I just wish he wouldn't be so arrogant as to think that his view is the only one.

But hell, before all that drama happened, I used to think the same way. "If I just love/compliment/affirm her more, she'll start to agree with me!"

Also, *for the love of God*, get these bad image macros out of my thread. I know I used one, but I think it was tasteful.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 21, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> ... probably doesn't have the real life experience to know that changing a self-hating fat person's mind is damn near impossible.



Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Let's not go back in time to that murky forest of not getting the point!!!


:bow:


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 21, 2010)

frankman said:


> Thanks for the explanation. I always think of the fairytale of New York when I hear the word Pogue.



One of my favorite bands and my favorite song of theirs!! :wubu:


----------



## joswitch (Oct 21, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> I agree. He's the Rumpelstilskin of the group



and Rumpelstiltskin means "Wrinklyforeskin" in German or Polish or Czech.... Once I learned that, that folktale made waaaaaay more sense to me....


----------



## liz (di-va) (Oct 21, 2010)

_Can_ one give up FAism? I don't think so.

Sorry...have needed to say that for a while from 1000 views of thread title. Back to the GTL.


----------



## mango (Oct 21, 2010)

*This thread is hot if you have a Helen Mirren fetish.


#JustSayin


lol


*


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Oct 24, 2010)

Has anyone ever tried reading a thread backwards? It can certainly be more interesting that way.....:blink:


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 25, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I actually don't think Nate's a bad guy at heart - he just doesn't know what he's doing and probably doesn't have the real life experience to know that changing a self-hating fat person's mind is damn near impossible.
> 
> I just wish he wouldn't be so arrogant as to think that his view is the only one.
> 
> ...



Nate's mind has been corrupted with the notion that he's the "king of f/a's" because lonely teenaged girls look for company and he happened to be there. I wouldn't be surprised if the "girls" he talks to are between the ages of 14-20. The whole "my way or the highway" routine may work on easily influenced girls but battle toughened women would much rather take the high way. Being selfish may work on the weak minded, but it won't work on women who want their opinions, wants and needs to matter. If he doesn't learn to compromise he'll be mr. one night stand for the next 25 years.

Not saying this doesn't make him any less of an F/A, but put an experienced 31 year old bbw who's heard every cliche line known to mankind and has loved/dated plenty in front of him...chances are he'll crumble.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 25, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> Nate's mind has been corrupted with the notion that he's the "king of f/a's" because lonely teenaged girls look for company and he happened to be there. I wouldn't be surprised if the "girls" he talks to are between the ages of 14-20. The whole "my way or the highway" routine may work on easily influenced girls but battle toughened women would much rather take the high way. Being selfish may work on the weak minded, but it won't work on women who want their opinions, wants and needs to matter. If he doesn't learn to compromise he'll be mr. one night stand for the next 25 years.
> 
> Not saying this doesn't make him any less of an F/A, but put an experienced 31 year old bbw who's heard every cliche line known to mankind and has loved/dated plenty in front of him...chances are he'll crumble.


Dude why are you coming at me with no real facts, just assumptions about me? Calm down guy.



> I wouldn't be surprised if the "girls" he talks to are between the ages of 14-20.



I'm 19, I talk to 18-25 year olds. And why is "girls" in quotes? Are you implying they aren't really girls :doh:



You know nothing about my sex life, so calling me mr. onenightstand is stupid. And saying i'll crumble infront of a 31 year old BBW (random age lol) is also stupid. I'm sure if one was interested in me I wouldn't "crumble"

Learn not to take user titles so seriously. You seem like an angry little guy, you probably struggle with women and feel the need to take it out on my by saying i'm "my way or the highway" with women (I'm not) and that i'm selfish. Just stop typing.


----------



## Paquito (Oct 25, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You seem like an angry little guy, you probably struggle with women and feel the need to take it out on my by saying i'm "my way or the highway" with women (I'm not) and that i'm selfish. Just stop typing.



...what is this? This feeling in my heart?

Do I... do I like this guy? Yea, I think I do.


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 25, 2010)

More dueling banjos


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 25, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> More dueling banjos



You know we just need Curly and this would be complete. It is just not as fun watching Moe and Larry go at it.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 25, 2010)

Oh ha ha ha! 
You two are calling both of us dumb in your own little quirky way! Haha!


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 25, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Oh ha ha ha!
> You two are calling both of us dumb in your own little quirky way! Haha!



No I just like the Three Stooges. Calm down bro

_____________________________
_No I am not mirin you_


----------



## natepogue (Oct 25, 2010)

cinnamitch said:


> No I just like the Three Stooges. Calm down bro
> 
> _____________________________
> _No I am not mirin you_



Bro, I refuse to believe you weren't take a shot at me and 666 guy


Also I re-read some of this thread and giving up FAism is blasphemy in my opinion. It'll never work.


----------



## cinnamitch (Oct 25, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Bro, I refuse to believe you weren't take a shot at me and 666 guy
> 
> 
> Also I re-read some of this thread and giving up FAism is blasphemy in my opinion. It'll never work.



Naa Kevin knows me well enough, If I want to insult him , I am pretty open about it.


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 25, 2010)

Paquito said:


> ...what is this? This feeling in my heart?
> 
> Do I... do I like this guy? Yea, I think I do.



Its ok Paquito... I got the same feeling... maybe we should just go with it?


----------



## Paquito (Oct 25, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Its ok Paquito... I got the same feeling... maybe we should just go with it?



If you hold my hand the entire way, I think I can make it.


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 25, 2010)

Paquito said:


> If you hold my hand the entire way, I think I can make it.



Can I hold it with my vag?


----------



## Paquito (Oct 25, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Can I hold it with my vag?



Like you even have to ask. :wubu:


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 25, 2010)

Paquito said:


> Like you even have to ask. :wubu:



haha I tried to rep, but couldn't!


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 27, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Dude why are you coming at me with no real facts, just assumptions about me? Calm down guy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Angry? Hardly

Little? I'm probably more built than you

Struggling? HA! I'm about to celebrate my anniversary with the g/f on friday. Of course I know absolutely nothing about your sex life. I just see the way you communicate on here and it makes me laugh. You remind me of another young 19-20 year old F/A who thought he was the man of the hour, the one with the power and thought he was too sweet to be sour. He had charm, looks and money but nobody took him seriously because he thought he was better than everyone. Maybe that's not exactly you but in the future you may want to be less arrogant, you'll go further.

Dueling banjos? More like Dueling Brando's (and I call Belushi)


----------



## kayrae (Oct 27, 2010)

oh, how I laugh.


----------



## Saoirse (Oct 27, 2010)

Its like Khayes is fighting with himself!


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 27, 2010)

Conjoined twins sharing one brain, separated at birth. Too bad about the brain though.


----------



## Famouslastwords (Oct 27, 2010)

The brain was collateral damage.


----------



## tonynyc (Oct 27, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Has anyone ever tried reading a thread backwards? It can certainly be more interesting that way.....:blink:



You may have something there .. :happy:

And to the OP you can never gives up FAism .....


----------



## daddyoh70 (Oct 27, 2010)

tonynyc said:


> You may have something there .. :happy:
> 
> *And to the OP you can never gives up FAism* .....



I tried to quit FAism once.... 
"Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."  That's a quote from Godfather 3 in case you didn't know


----------



## natepogue (Oct 27, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> Angry? Hardly
> 
> Little? I'm probably more built than you
> 
> ...


I just saw your profile picture....You're not "more built" than anyone.
Congrats to you and your girlfriend. As for your other comment, I AM the man of the hour, the one with the power, to sweet to be sour, other things that rhyme with hour, etc.
I am better than everyone, so you hit the nail on the head with that one.
Maybe in the future I want to be more arrogant. After all, this is the internet, and on the internet everyone acts exactly how they do in real life. Noticing my point yet? Seems it's easier for you to judge and say that the way I act here is exactly how I act in person. That's the mentality of someone who treats this forum as a dating website, bud.


----------



## tonynyc (Oct 27, 2010)

daddyoh70 said:


> I tried to quit FAism once....
> "Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."  That's a quote from Godfather 3 in case you didn't know



*Isn't that the truth *:bow: :bow: :bow:


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## imfree (Oct 27, 2010)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Has anyone ever tried reading a thread backwards? It can certainly be more interesting that way.....:blink:



(Christian Artist) Michael W Smith, Backward Masking? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke9ecdssvbU

It's just expectation bias. Ya' see it 'cos ya' believe it!:doh:

As for reading Dimm's threads backwards, you would probably get more out of them, that way! Just watch, though, you'd probably get as much hell out of any thread read backwards, as you the same thread read forward, in Hyde Park!!!


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 27, 2010)

> And to the OP you can never gives up FAism .....



I know. You're somwhere around the 5th or 6th person to tell me that. 

And yes, when I tried, I started having dreams about it that pulled me back in.


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## Dromond (Oct 27, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Its like Khayes is fighting with himself!



It's a Freudian fantasy come to life.


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## frankman (Oct 27, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I know. You're somwhere around the 5th or 6th person to tell me that.
> 
> And yes, when I tried, I started having dreams about it that pulled me back in.



*synth music playing softy*

"But you said you were done. You promised, daddy!"
"I know dear, but every time I try to get out, they just PULL ME BACK IN!"


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## KHayes666 (Oct 27, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I just saw your profile picture....You're not "more built" than anyone.
> Congrats to you and your girlfriend. As for your other comment, I AM the man of the hour, the one with the power, to sweet to be sour, other things that rhyme with hour, etc.
> I am better than everyone, so you hit the nail on the head with that one.
> Maybe in the future I want to be more arrogant. After all, this is the internet, and on the internet everyone acts exactly how they do in real life. Noticing my point yet? Seems it's easier for you to judge and say that the way I act here is exactly how I act in person. That's the mentality of someone who treats this forum as a dating website, bud.



Sorry kid, there's only one reflection of perfection and you ain't it.

Come back in 2 years if you'd like to try again


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 31, 2010)

I don't really want to revive this thread, but... What now?

I have no way to get around, all the friends I used to hang out with (except two who are always busy) have moved due to college or foreclosures, and all I'm doing now is working with the family business 6.5 days a week, trying unsuccessfully to get interested in my old hobbies again, and trying with more success (but not all that much) to contact my ex as little as possible.

EDIT: Not because I'm "punishing her" or anything, mind you, but because I'm still too bitter for small talk. Plus, I don't want to be "the ex who keeps calling."

I'm going to a con next weekend, which should be fun, especially since I turn 20 on the 7th, but besides that... Nothing to look forward to.

I hated school, but at least it gave me a lot of other shit to focus on the last time I broke it off with her for an extended period. Now that I won't be back in it until January... Ugh.


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## kayrae (Oct 31, 2010)

I don't know... make new friends maybe? No one interesting at work?


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## Saoirse (Oct 31, 2010)

Stop being a bitch and pick up a hobby.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 31, 2010)

Most of my work involves seniors, who (despite how they're portrayed in media) are very interesting, but... Not exactly the kind of people I like to hang out with. 

Maybe my problem is that... I just don't like teenagers. It's been that way since middle school, but it's gotten worse recently. I know it's probably stupid and I need to get over it, but that'll take some time.

I'm trying to force myself to just talk up strangers like I used to. It's kind of working - I've met one pretty cool guy that way. Maybe I could call up some old friends from high school.

And yes, some of you have told me this isn't the right place to vent, but until I find someone in real life (who I don't have to pay) to talk to, it may keep up.

EDIT: *I already said I'm trying to get back into my old hobbies* - mainly drawing. I've also been practicing bass a lot recently, but I'm not in a band or anything.


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 31, 2010)

Volunteer. You'll meet lots of different people, and it's free.

Also, you do know loss of interest in things that used to bring you pleasure, is a sign of depression? Unless you get treated, there's a high likelihood things will get worse or stay the same. There are places that will treat low-income/not insured people for little money (or for free). You mentioned that your mom would have a problem with that. Well, you're an adult, and will be turning 20 soon. You don't need her consent or permission to be treated, and really, she doesn't even need to know. Your body and mind are your business.


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## daddyoh70 (Oct 31, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Stop being a bitch and pick up a hobby.



You reminded me of this! :wubu::wubu: Rep sent BTW!
Saoirse as a therapist


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## KHayes666 (Oct 31, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> Most of my work involves seniors, who (despite how they're portrayed in media) are very interesting, but... Not exactly the kind of people I like to hang out with.
> 
> Maybe my problem is that... I just don't like teenagers. It's been that way since middle school, but it's gotten worse recently. I know it's probably stupid and I need to get over it, but that'll take some time.
> 
> ...



No this is not the place to vent, a lot of people have a LOT of problems and they have absolutely no empathy for anyone.

I suggest writing lyrics to go with your bass lines, bringing your soul out through music could ease whatever pains you're going through.


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## tonynyc (Oct 31, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> No this is not the place to vent, a lot of people have a LOT of problems and they have absolutely no empathy for anyone.
> 
> I suggest writing lyrics to go with your bass lines, bringing your soul out through music could ease whatever pains you're going through.



*H*owever...if one is to truly give up FAism then the only solution is 
"self permanent timeout" and no peeking


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## KHayes666 (Nov 1, 2010)

tonynyc said:


> *H*owever...if one is to truly give up FAism then the only solution is
> "self permanent timeout" and no peeking



There is no giving up FAism, you can't change your sexuality or preferences. You can lie to the outside world but you can't lie to yourself.

However your suggestion to simply leave if you can't take it anymore does work.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 22, 2010)

So, even though this thread is probably forgotten now, I need to announce that I'm finally done.

I've stopped trying to "push her into therapy" like some people suggested, I've stopped telling her she's beautiful because she refuses my compliments, I've stopped calling her (and I told her why), and I finally told her that if she wants to leave her gallbladder untreated forever and get "as skinny as possible," that's just her fucking life, and she needs to find someone who'll like the new her instead of resent it.

And it sucks, but I found out the hard way that it's still way too early for us to be just friends. I still think of her as my girl and kept overstepping my bounds and making her uncomfortable, no matter how much I promised myself I wouldn't, she feels massively guilty about putting me through all this (to the point where she says it makes her feel like she "deserves to die" sometimes* and nothing I say consoles her) and we usually end up both getting emotional - to put it mildly - when we see each other.

But I still told her that if she ever changes her mind about any of this and wants me in her life again, she knows my number.

Also, I'm getting counseling now, so that's a good thing.

*Yes, I did give her Crisis Center's number.


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## midnightrogue (Nov 22, 2010)

^^^^^^^^^^^
did not read - cliffs ??


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 22, 2010)

I really don't want to think about that period in my life anymore, especially since it ended in my losing the only girl I've loved. 

Maybe later.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 22, 2010)

So... I caught her going behind my back and telling her friends she's glad I'm leaving because she was sick of me anyway.

In a moment of anger that I probably should have controlled, I called her "a lying fuckwad" in front of all of her friends and told her she's "a child" with no respect for me.

So yeah. Any kind of reconciliation or friendship is pretty much out at this point. I feel like I have no self control, but I think it's for the best.


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## mossystate (Nov 22, 2010)

Glad you were able to access some therapy.

She was/is sick of you...you were/are sick of her. With your kind of crazymaking relationship, this is when things get even more confusing and upsetting. The one thing you have control over is seeing what part you played, and being very honest with yourself. You have to work on stopping the gnawing on the bone titled - " hey, she told me one thing and her friends something else! ". She has to stop caring about your bouncing around as well. And remember, you are telling many strangers about some of her very personal issues, and attaching a lot of anger to the discussion. She might not know you did it, but it is something for you to think about, when you start to understand, with the help of your therapist, what makes you tick.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 22, 2010)

I know. She messaged me back apologizing profusely and offering to do anything to make it up, so I don't know what to do. I'm certainly not going to forgive & forget and let her fully back into my life, but I can't really bring myself to hate her like I thought I would, either.

But when I was telling strangers about our problems, it was because I thought someone would be able to give me advice that would bring us closer together, and our bond would grow stronger. Plus, I ended up telling her EVERYTHING I told you guys in time, it just wasn't as vitriolic as it was here. 

She, however, just lied.

And this is after I'd been telling her for weeks on end to be honest with me, to tell me any time I was making her uncomfortable, and to tell me if I was infringing on her personal space - which she'd explicitly given me permission to do - because I'd be a thousand times angrier if I caught her in a lie.


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## natepogue (Nov 22, 2010)

You seem like a nice guy, it's definitely hard to "hate her" like you thought you would, but in my life, anyone who does something two-faced and goes behind my back to talk bad about me gets the silent treatment for life.


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## Saoirse (Nov 22, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You seem like a nice guy, it's definitely hard to "hate her" like you thought you would, but in my life, anyone who does something two-faced and goes behind my back to talk bad about me gets the silent treatment for life.



Thats a bit harsh, no?

I completely understand that its best to avoid toxic people. I know several, and my communication with them is totally limited... but we're young and starting off adulthood with anger and bitterness... just seems sad.


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## mossystate (Nov 22, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I know. She messaged me back apologizing profusely and offering to do anything to make it up, so I don't know what to do. I'm certainly not going to forgive & forget and let her fully back into my life, but I can't really bring myself to hate her like I thought I would, either.
> 
> But when I was telling strangers about our problems, it was because I thought someone would be able to give me advice that would bring us closer together, and our bond would grow stronger. Plus, I ended up telling her EVERYTHING I told you guys in time, it just wasn't as vitriolic as it was here.
> 
> ...



You are still really invested in what has truly become a game between the two of you. You haven't been able to trust her, and she sure seems like she didn't trust you enough to be honest. Yes, some of this stuff from both of you has very little to do with the other person...but you are keeping score, rather than getting down to the bottom line(s). Telling her " for weeks " that you want her to be open with you, while telling her that you would be " a thousand times angrier " ... isn't going to encourage honesty. You threaten her with your leaving and you talk to strangers about how you will dole out your interactions with her...she reacts to whatever, and tells friends she is tired of you, so good riddance...then goes into her own dramatics about how she wants to die because of how she is treating you...and you two feed off of that.

If you are a thousand times angrier, then why are you continuing to say you don't know what to do...unless your " options " are not yet fully formed and you need her around in your life...until. Then you will come here and say how much better you feel and how you are no longer speaking to this woman. While it is a very good goal to feel better, and you are on that road, think about how your prolonging this dance is affecting someone you care about/represents a filled need in your life. Stop with the spitting and snarling about lies.

" If she ever changes her mind about any of this ". Your head has to kick this out. Be real honest with your therapist. You are not getting a lot of things, as seen out here...but let your therapist help you...that's all that matters.


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## mossystate (Nov 22, 2010)

Saoirse said:


> Thats a bit harsh, no?
> 
> I completely understand that its best to avoid toxic people. I know several, and my communication with them is totally limited... but we're young and starting off adulthood with anger and bitterness... just seems sad.



And it is also a bit ' funny ', seeing how the OP had no problem going behind her back, making it seem like 99% of his issues are because of her. She might not know everything that was said, but it _is_ out in the universe.


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## thirtiesgirl (Nov 22, 2010)

Seventy-seven, you're doing the right thing. It will take time, but you will heal. Your first heartbreak is the worst. It really sucks and you'll never forget it. But you will eventually get through it, heal and move on. I've gone through it and can testify that it will get better. Going to therapy while you're healing is a good idea. It can only help, and in the process, you'll learn what you're not willing to tolerate in a relationship - your 'deal breakers.' You'll be able to define what things you want in a partner and what things you don't. When you're ready, you'll start dating again and be better equipped to find the right person for you.


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## Saoirse (Nov 22, 2010)

mossystate said:


> And it is also a bit ' funny ', seeing how the OP had no problem going behind her back, making it seem like 99% of his issues are because of her. She might not know everything that was said, but it _is_ out in the universe.



yea theres all that too...


the whole thing smells funny.


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## frankman (Nov 22, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You seem like a nice guy, it's definitely hard to "hate her" like you thought you would, but in my life, anyone who does something two-faced and goes behind my back to talk bad about me gets the silent treatment for life.



Yay for productive advice here, man. Good job, you manly man, you. Thump chest, real brave.

In my experience, inspiring assholery in others just brings so much to a person's life. It's good to see you care enough to do so. Not many people really take the effort anymore to accept their douchiness and run with it.


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## frankman (Nov 22, 2010)

mossystate said:


> And it is also a bit ' funny ', seeing how the OP had no problem going behind her back, making it seem like 99% of his issues are because of her. She might not know everything that was said, but it _is_ out in the universe.



Want to rep, but can't, so quoted for truth.


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## natepogue (Nov 23, 2010)

Not sure why you think you can talk to the King that way. I'll let this one slide though.
I know amazing advice when I give it.


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## mossystate (Nov 23, 2010)

King Of Wishful Thinking


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 23, 2010)

mossystate said:


> You are still really invested in what has truly become a game between the two of you. You haven't been able to trust her, and she sure seems like she didn't trust you enough to be honest. Yes, some of this stuff from both of you has very little to do with the other person...but you are keeping score, rather than getting down to the bottom line(s). Telling her " for weeks " that you want her to be open with you, while telling her that you would be " a thousand times angrier " ... isn't going to encourage honesty. You threaten her with your leaving and you talk to strangers about how you will dole out your interactions with her...she reacts to whatever, and tells friends she is tired of you, so good riddance...then goes into her own dramatics about how she wants to die because of how she is treating you...and you two feed off of that.
> 
> If you are a thousand times angrier, then why are you continuing to say you don't know what to do...unless your " options " are not yet fully formed and you need her around in your life...until. Then you will come here and say how much better you feel and how you are no longer speaking to this woman. While it is a very good goal to feel better, and you are on that road, think about how your prolonging this dance is affecting someone you care about/represents a filled need in your life. Stop with the spitting and snarling about lies.
> 
> " If she ever changes her mind about any of this ". Your head has to kick this out. Be real honest with your therapist. You are not getting a lot of things, as seen out here...but let your therapist help you...that's all that matters.



The reason I told her it'd be that much worse if I caught her lying is because she'd been giving me the whole "I can't tell you certain things because I don't want to hurt your feelings" routine for weeks, and I just wanted a straight answer so I'd know what to do.

And I already told you that I've gotten around to telling her pretty much everything that's been said in this thread - and there's a huge difference between my saying that this is honestly causing massive amounts of stress in my life and I want to know what to do about it, and her going behind my back and pretty much saying she was tired of my shit and wished I'd left her alone sooner, when she never really said that to my face during this whole process.

In retrospect, there were hints I probably should've picked up on, though.


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## joswitch (Nov 23, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> The reason I told her it'd be that much worse if I caught her lying is because she'd been giving me the whole "I can't tell you certain things because I don't want to hurt your feelings" routine for weeks, and I just wanted a straight answer so I'd know what to do.
> 
> And I already told you that I've gotten around to telling her pretty much everything that's been said in this thread - and there's a huge difference between my saying that this is honestly causing massive amounts of stress in my life and I want to know what to do about it, and her going behind my back and pretty much saying she was tired of my shit and wished I'd left her alone sooner, when she never really said that to my face during this whole process.
> 
> In retrospect, there were hints I probably should've picked up on, though.



Whatever occurs in the long run, mate, I'd definitely advise you to cease communications with her for the foreseeable future. 
You can tell her you "need some space" (from her). 
Which is true, eh?

I'd say: don't attempt to re-open communications with her, nor accept her attempts to do so, until you are at a point where you no longer have any strong feelings about her, or her actions either way.

And certainly, if and when you do speak with her again; knowing that she was unable to be truthful with you, would put her in the "okish-aquaintance" box, rather than the "trusted friend" box.


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## mossystate (Nov 23, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> The reason I told her it'd be that much worse if I caught her lying is because she'd been giving me the whole "I can't tell you certain things because I don't want to hurt your feelings" routine for weeks, and I just wanted a straight answer so I'd know what to do.
> 
> And I already told you that I've gotten around to telling her pretty much everything that's been said in this thread - and there's a huge difference between my saying that this is honestly causing massive amounts of stress in my life and I want to know what to do about it, and her going behind my back and pretty much saying she was tired of my shit and wished I'd left her alone sooner, when she never really said that to my face during this whole process.
> 
> In retrospect, there were hints I probably should've picked up on, though.



And she has finally ' gotten around ' to telling you what one of you should have said, and meant, for real, a long time ago. It's like you refuse to see that she was probably walking on the same batch of eggshells at times as you. You are not wanting to go deeper with this stuff. You can never exchange another 4 words with her, and it might not change much at all in your life. Maybe she is getting to her options sooner than you got to yours...unless you two go another few rounds.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 23, 2010)

It wouldn't have been any kind of issue if she'd said it to my face.

Anyway, it didn't work out that way. She apologized for going behind my back and breaking her promises, I apologized for blowing up at her, we both admitted we were tired of each others' shit, and then we agreed it would be best not to talk or see each other for at least several months unless there's an emergency.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Mar 21, 2016)

Looking over relationship threads online, I realized none of them have conclusions, so I thought it would be nice if this one did, even if no one reads it.

I was 19 when I posted this. I'm 25 now.

I don't remember what happened after this thread ended that well, but we never kept that promise to stop talking: in fact, we stayed close friends until we grew apart and I moved a thousand miles away. We still talk, just not very often since we have no common interests anymore.

She eventually got her gallbladder removed after an attack that almost killed her. She still hasn't lost the weight, and I don't think her attitude towards it ever changed.

I went on to have two more relationships: both long distance, and only one official. Both were just as unhappy, arguably even worse, and unlike this one, they both ended in no contact. Neither of my partners had the same body issues - in fact, one was a feedee I met on a fetish site - but for some reason, I just couldn't get close to other people without bad things happening, and I never knew why.

...Until this month, that is, when I found out I'm Borderline. 

In hindsight, especially reading over this thread, the signs were pretty obvious. I just wish someone had caught it earlier so I wouldn't have fucked things up so badly. I'm in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist about meds this week, but I'm not optimistic about having a good relationship or being happy anytime soon.

I wish this had a happy ending.


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