# Girlfriend and Weight Gain



## imafishy5 (Mar 9, 2008)

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to gain for me. Shes recently changed her mind but I can tell she still is very apprehensive because of what people will think. She knows that I love it and appreciate it, however how can I help her loose this fear? Any suggestions?


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## Wagimawr (Mar 9, 2008)

Tell her, "if you try it and hate it, then you don't have to continue."

Then stick to that.


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## mossystate (Mar 9, 2008)

You say you have been trying for months to convince her and that she finally has changed her mind. I think this sounds like you have badgered her. Gaining weight is not like trying on a hat, that, if you don't like it, you can simply take it off. Also, I would not recommend telling her she can stop if she does not like it. First, I don't think the OP would be ok with that...also, saying she can do this or that is sounding too close to " I will allow you "...just gets me squirming.He has been after her to do this ..for months. OP, how about finding a woman who is into gaining, then you can simply enjoy a relationship, and not try to get someone to change.


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## ripley (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to gain for me. Shes recently changed her mind but I can tell she still is very apprehensive because of what people will think. She knows that I love it and appreciate it, however how can I help her loose this fear? Any suggestions?



You're a philosopher.


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## Fascinita (Mar 10, 2008)

mossystate said:


> OP, how about finding a woman who is into gaining, then you can simply enjoy a relationship, and not try to get someone to change.



Yeah, how about that? Or is part of the fun in convincing someone against their own wishes? Maybe it is, maybe it ain't. Just curious, here.

Personally, there's no appreciation enough that someone could show me for gaining weight. I'd have to be able to do it because I wanted to. It can't be "in exchange" for anything. And gaining weight "for" someone is not anything I'd ever do. People change their minds, they get bored, they get restless, they leave and get other girlfriends/boyfriends. Then I'd be stuck knowing that I got shafted. So, yeah, it'd have to be something to do exclusively because it tickled me and made me happy, since it is I who will have to deal with the consequences of my choice, ultimately.


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## Santaclear (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to gain for me. Shes recently changed her mind but I can tell she still is very apprehensive because of what people will think. She knows that I love it and appreciate it, however how can I help her loose this fear? Any suggestions?



This does sound a bit fishy.


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## imafishy5 (Mar 10, 2008)

Well she didn't really see why I would want her too...it uh took me awhile to figure out how to explain it....and shes not a small girl either, just for clarification....


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## Littleghost (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> Well she didn't really see why I would want her too...it uh took me awhile to figure out how to explain it....and shes not a small girl either, just for clarification....



Well if she's already big, you could always just ''settle'' for her. Or maybe it's the other way around?


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## imafishy5 (Mar 10, 2008)

Ok I guess I asked the question wrong..... How does one encourage their woman to eat and gain weight? Does that make more sense?


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## Miss Vickie (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> Well she didn't really see why I would want her too...it uh took me awhile to figure out how to explain it....and shes not a small girl either, just for clarification....



It doesn't really matter. It's HER body, not YOURS. I think it's really unethical to try to convince someone to change something about themselves to suit another person. Take her as she is or let her find someone who will.


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## Miss Vickie (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> Ok I guess I asked the question wrong..... How does one encourage their woman to eat and gain weight? Does that make more sense?



I am curious, though. Why do you want her to gain weight?


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## Littleghost (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> Ok I guess I asked the question wrong..... How does one encourage their woman to eat and gain weight? Does that make more sense?



I think you summed it up pretty well the first time. If she's not into it, she's not into it.


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## Fascinita (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> Ok I guess I asked the question wrong..... How does one encourage their woman to eat and gain weight? Does that make more sense?



Well, how does one encourage their man to like one's body as it is? I have a feeling the answers to your question and mine are similar, at least in spirit. Is it even right to encourage or discourage someone to do something they're not inclined to do? That is, we can state our views or desires, but beyond that, how can we expect to impose our will on someone else? I suppose there are ways to nag or badger or manipulate subtly, though it seems to me to border on unethical to try to bend someone to one's will in this way.


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## Jes (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> Ok I guess I asked the question wrong..... How does one encourage their woman to eat and gain weight? Does that make more sense?



It makes sense, but I think the suggestions you've gotten stay the same. If this was something she wanted, she'd most likely already be doing it. You've told her what would turn you on. Now you have to leave it with her. I don't feel it's fair to keep bringing it up. She understands what you've told her. You've had discussions about it. Will badgering help the relationship?


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## Jes (Mar 10, 2008)

Fasc, please stop posting the same answer I post. Or at least wait 'til I've posted my reply first before you post your own.


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## TallFatSue (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to gain for me.





mossystate said:


> You say you have been trying for months to convince her and that she finally has changed her mind.


Ya know, it makes much more sense to date a woman who has her fat ready-made. No muss, no fuss, and it saves time too. Given the myriad of wonderful eligible fat women in the world, surely someone is just right for you with all the fat you could ever want, even if her name isn't Shirley. 

But alas methinx this sounds like a control issue.


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## KentAllard71 (Mar 10, 2008)

Miss Vickie said:


> It doesn't really matter. It's HER body, not YOURS. I think it's really unethical to try to convince someone to change something about themselves to suit another person. Take her as she is or let her find someone who will.



I agree...


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## Just_Jen (Mar 10, 2008)

leave her to do what she wants?! 

i thought you're supposed to get into a relationship and love someone for who they are and not want to make them change. because essentially thats what youre trying to do with nagging or whatever...


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## Still a Skye fan (Mar 10, 2008)

Love your lady for who she is, not what her scale says.

If she says no, live with it. It's her body.



Dennis


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## TallFatSue (Mar 10, 2008)

imafishy5 said:


> I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to gain for me.


Come to think of it, this sounds just as bad as "I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to *lose* for me." I gave a few ex-boyfriends the heave-ho when they started to pester me to lose weight.


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## stefanie (Mar 10, 2008)

TallFatSue said:


> Ya know, it makes much more sense to date a woman who has her fat ready-made.



LOL, I love the way you said this.

That's a good question for the OP, though. If you like fat women, why did you get involved with a "less fat" one, one that wasn't "fat enough" for you? Why not just date fat women?


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## vermillion (Mar 11, 2008)

just because you are into gaining doesn't mean your girlfriend is.
if gaining is something you need to feel satisfied find a girl that wants to do it.
don't bamboozle her or badger her into gaining if you know she doesn't want to.
that's very selfish of you.


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## Miss Vickie (Mar 11, 2008)

TallFatSue said:


> Come to think of it, this sounds just as bad as "I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and for months I have been trying to get her to *lose* for me." I gave a few ex-boyfriends the heave-ho when they started to pester me to lose weight.



I agree completely, Sue. I'd never tolerate anyone hassling me to gain or lose weight, or grow or cut my hair, or anything like that. It's just wrong in my opinion.


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## LoveBHMS (Mar 11, 2008)

Miss Vickie said:


> I agree completely, Sue. I'd never tolerate anyone hassling me to gain or lose weight, or grow or cut my hair, or anything like that. It's just wrong in my opinion.



There is some small nuance here that i want to point out.

There are men who simply want their partners to look different. Obviously if that is the case you need to either accept a person how they are, or leave. If it's a change you can live with or without, you can bring it up and let the person make a decision. For example, I love to have my hair either flat-ironed or blown out straight because i think it looks healthier and neater. A partner of mine prefers the "wild-curly" look, so when I see him, I leave my hair natural. It's not a big deal to me and it makes him happy.

OTOH, there are some men (and women) who are into weight gain as a sexual practice. They become sexually aroused at watching or participating in a woman getting fatter. They might enjoy feeding her, watching her eat, watching her be unable to fit into clothing, or enjoy seeing her body change over time. So there is a difference between "I want you to change how you look" and "I want you to participate in a sexual fetish related activity."

Clearly nobody should be asked to participate in a sexual activity with which they are not comfortable, but asking is ok and part of a healthy relationship.


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## missy_blue_eyez (Mar 11, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> Clearly nobody should be asked to participate in a sexual activity with which they are not comfortable, but asking is ok and part of a healthy relationship.



I totally agree with this. How far would you be willing to go to undertake a sexual fantasy of hers? If there was something that would change you physically for a possible long period of time? Something that could possible mean that you would endure a negative response from people around you?

You need to take those things into consideration. I have personally had someone encourage me to gain weight, but the someone was also someone who didnt want to be stigmatised as being a 'chubby chaser' or into 'fat women' so my answer was there straight away errrm 'no'. 

In the end, are you going to be there for her when it all comes crumbling down and she dosent like her new shape and needs support to go back to how she was? Because if your not willing to help her loose then you shouldnt impose your gaining fantasies upon her. Love her for the women she is, fantasies are fantasies and some of them have to stay as just a dream.


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## LoveBHMS (Mar 11, 2008)

> You need to take those things into consideration. I have personally had someone encourage me to gain weight, but the someone was also someone who didnt want to be stigmatised as being a 'chubby chaser' or into 'fat women' so my answer was there straight away errrm 'no'.



Hee. Man but I'd love to hear that conversation.

Guy: I want you to get fat.
You: Ok! Bring out the cupcakes.
Guy: But I dont want people to think I like fat women.
You: But I'd be a fat woman if i gained weight like you just asked
Guy: But I don't want people to think I'm into it.

*sigh*

Also it can be a lot more harmless depending on whether or not the guy cares "after the orgasm" so to speak. If he enjoys a fetish, you can role play or fantasize or do any number of things where he gets turned on and then the sexual session ends and you're still the same size.

Some guys are fine with that and some are not.


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## missy_blue_eyez (Mar 11, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> Hee. Man but I'd love to hear that conversation.
> 
> Guy: I want you to get fat.
> You: Ok! Bring out the cupcakes.
> ...



LMFAO! Oh man! I wish that was how that conversation went! Funny though, we dont talk anymore! Hmmmmmm


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## Markt (Mar 11, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> So there is a difference between "I want you to change how you look" and "I want you to participate in a sexual fetish related activity."
> 
> Clearly nobody should be asked to participate in a sexual activity with which they are not comfortable, but asking is ok and part of a healthy relationship.



Important point there.
I've been guilty of 'encouraging' girlfriends to fill out, but it's not a condemnation of their current appearance. Far far from it. It's really that I already love them so much that I yearn for 'more'. That may sound simplistic or silly but it's true, and one of the key factors of my FA-ness. Sort of like the old Mae West saying: Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

That said, I can see why it drives a woman crazy to be 'encouraged' to eat and grow. I sometimes wish it wasn't such a powerful and ingrained desire.


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## jennabelle (Mar 11, 2008)

mossystate said:


> You say you have been trying for months to convince her and that she finally has changed her mind. I think this sounds like you have badgered her. Gaining weight is not like trying on a hat, that, if you don't like it, you can simply take it off. Also, I would not recommend telling her she can stop if she does not like it. First, I don't think the OP would be ok with that...also, saying she can do this or that is sounding too close to " I will allow you "...just gets me squirming.He has been after her to do this ..for months. OP, how about finding a woman who is into gaining, then you can simply enjoy a relationship, and not try to get someone to change.




Look....I've had a similar situation. The guy I'm seeing has asked me about it....and the first time he mentioned it I was so scared of gaining weight because of what other people think (my family has always put me down because I'm plus size.) that I didn't know what to do with the information. It took me awhile to get to accept that I like eating and I like feeling full and round.....because of how much pressure I've always had on me to be thin. So....perhaps she's in the same boat I am. I just recently started letting myself gain because I've finally accepted me as I am....and realized I can improve. Though there are times I feel pressure to be skinny from my family and I know its just their own way of showing they care.....but I will still feel that pressure. But its lovely to have this little intimate secret between the two of us.....that I'm gaining weight and he loves it and I love it and I love that he loves it. :smitten:

So she may just be feeling the same thing I've been feeling.....just help her, and encourage her....but make sure she knows if she doesn't want to do it....then she doesn't have to and she can quit at any time.


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## Fascinita (Mar 11, 2008)

missy_blue_eyez said:


> You need to take those things into consideration. I have personally had someone encourage me to gain weight, but the someone was also someone who didnt want to be stigmatised as being a 'chubby chaser' or into 'fat women' so my answer was there straight away errrm 'no'.



oh hahaha lol classic closet case. "like it in the sheets, dis it in the streets."


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## Jes (Mar 11, 2008)

Markt said:


> Important point there.
> I've been guilty of 'encouraging' girlfriends to fill out, but it's not a condemnation of their current appearance. Far far from it. It's really that I already love them so much that I yearn for 'more'. That may sound simplistic or silly but it's true, and one of the key factors of my FA-ness. Sort of like the old Mae West saying: Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
> 
> That said, I can see why it drives a woman crazy to be 'encouraged' to eat and grow. I sometimes wish it wasn't such a powerful and ingrained desire.



I'm glad you can see that. It's probably frustrating all around, actually. I can respect that--but when it crosses over into asking someone to change, then my respect disappears. 

Ah, yearning for more. I once had a crush on this dude, and I yearned for more. Luckily for me, he had a twin. (shoutout to Marc and Eric!)


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## Jon Blaze (Mar 11, 2008)

missy_blue_eyez said:


> I totally agree with this. How far would you be willing to go to undertake a sexual fantasy of hers? If there was something that would change you physically for a possible long period of time? Something that could possible mean that you would endure a negative response from people around you?
> 
> You need to take those things into consideration. I have personally had someone encourage me to gain weight, but the someone was also someone who didnt want to be stigmatised as being a 'chubby chaser' or into 'fat women' so my answer was there straight away errrm 'no'.
> *
> In the end, are you going to be there for her when it all comes crumbling down and she dosent like her new shape and needs support to go back to how she was? Because if your not willing to help her loose then you shouldnt impose your gaining fantasies upon her. Love her for the women she is, fantasies are fantasies and some of them have to stay as just a dream.*




Emphasis mine.
YES YES YES!!! I keep saying that! *PICK ONE,* and stick with it! You CANNOT do both! Or you have to pick one, and be indifferent (See: Neutral) about the other. :bow:

"I bow to your skills!" 
(And I think you're awesomely pretty the way you are.  )


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## olwen (Mar 11, 2008)

Imafishy5, do you really truly want to be with someone who is doing something she doesn't like just to satisfy you? It won't make you feel bad to know she doesn't like it? It won't make you feel selfish to decide she _has_ to gain for you just because you want it?

This wouldn't even be appropriate if you were in a BDSM relationship and you were the Master and she the slave? What kind of a Master makes a slave do something she isn't comfortable doing, even as a "punishment"? It's like trying to make your slave do breath play even if she stated from day one it was one of her boundaries.

If gaining is the most important thing to you in a relationship, find a girl who's willing, no eager to do it and save your current girl the anxiety of feeling like a bad girlfriend for not being able to make you happy in the bedroom.


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## bigirlover (Mar 12, 2008)

Don't be nasty. Take it easy on him. Jeeesh!



Miss Vickie said:


> It doesn't really matter. It's HER body, not YOURS. I think it's really unethical to try to convince someone to change something about themselves to suit another person. Take her as she is or let her find someone who will.


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## Markt (Mar 12, 2008)

Jes said:


> I'm glad you can see that. It's probably frustrating all around, actually. I can respect that--but when it crosses over into asking someone to change, then my respect disappears.



Gee, thanks. You realize that expecting FAs to resist their weight obsessions is also asking them to change and deny themselves, right? Please put the shoe on the other foot for minute. I'm equally frustrated by the attitude that says all guys are obnoxious if they express interest in weight gain to their SO's. That's ridiculous...we're talking about FA's - FAT ADMIRERS. I don't blame women in being annoyed at guys that love them but voice desires to have them be bigger or smaller, but let's be real here... 
So many posts here from women here who are happy to discover men enjoying their full figures, but then get upset that those same men might like more or less or different shapes etc. 
Expecting any man to want just the current amount of flesh you have (and not want more or less of you) is simply unrealistic. That's why this topic never dies on these boards -- you'd be asking these men to deny the very thing that brought them here. 

That said, expecting him to clam up about his needs/desires and not bug his SO to gain or lose...that's not easy but at least possible. But throw us a bone ok? Don't hate an FA for being an FA.


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## Jon Blaze (Mar 12, 2008)

Markt said:


> Gee, thanks. You realize that expecting FAs to resist their weight obsessions is also asking them to change and deny themselves, right? Please put the shoe on the other foot for minute. I'm equally frustrated by the attitude that says all guys are obnoxious if they express interest in weight gain to their SO's. That's ridiculous...we're talking about FA's - FAT ADMIRERS. I don't blame women in being annoyed at guys that love them but voice desires to have them be bigger or smaller, but let's be real here...
> So many posts here from women here who are happy to discover men enjoying their full figures, but then get upset that those same men might like more or less or different shapes etc.
> Expecting any man to want just the current amount of flesh you have (and not want more or less of you) is simply unrealistic. That's why this topic never dies on these boards -- you'd be asking these men to deny the very thing that brought them here.
> 
> That said, expecting him to clam up about his needs/desires and not bug his SO to gain or lose...that's not easy but at least possible. But throw us a bone ok? Don't hate an FA for being an FA.



Don't assume an FA is defined by wanting "More" (Or less). Some of us actually do appreciate (Or at least try to appreciate) women the way they come, or don't believe there's an automatic enhancement of beauty with weight changes in either direction.

You need to separate the fetish from the preference. There's a big difference, and just because you may have them coexisting together doesn't make it a standard.

The women probably wouldn't be turned off so much if they aren't encouraged to gain weight, and at the same time demonized for any consideration at losing weight. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. 

It makes sense for the women to think like this if they have nowhere to turn. How would you feel if your partner thought of your body the same way? "Oh I like muscular guys." You know the rest.

There's obsession, there's encouragement, there's admiration for something the way it is, and there's advocation of for change. Very big differences between these situations.

FA just means admirer of larger people (Nothing about encouragement implied as a standard). People into weight gain should talk to their partners about it. It's healthy, especially if someone has had it pinned up. The women (Or anywhere) here, however, don't owe us anything in response to it. Relationships are suppose to be as close to 50/50 as possible. You might think women (Or anyone for that matter) shouldn't oppose this way of thinking, but like you just said: Think of the other person.

(And not to be rude, but your first comment is a fallacy. FAs not obsessing over weight and weight gain == giving up their FA-dom? Says who? Ever heard of a moderate? Think of the difference between dieting for weight loss, purposeful weight gain [With extra intake] and HAES. Which one is different? Hmmm?)


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## eyesforyou (Mar 12, 2008)

Sometimes we fall in love with people for their personalities and not their bodies. I myself have fallen deeply in love with women who are much smaller than I prefer. Asking a partner to do something isn't a bad thing, especially if you are willing to go to equal measures to achieve their sexual and physical happiness. Nagging and guilting are something that are intolerable and a control issue but he doesn't sound like he is trying to guilt her into something she doesn't want to do. I think this has become a discussion of ethics in general and less of this poor individuals specific situation and we are still referring to it as if it were entirely pertinent to him. I think what he is asking is if there are ways to show a person that it can be attractive and pleasurable and comfortable and I will answer as such. 

Just show her around on Dims and all the BBW models on myspace, etc, show her that there are many people who are attracted to it and that it can be healthy as well as sexually satisfying. Also show her the acceptance sites and all the statistics about how unhealthy dieting is. It doesn't necessarily have to be about gaining, it can be about eating more comfortably and the gaining can just be a pleasant side effect.


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## Fascinita (Mar 12, 2008)

Markt said:


> Expecting any man to want just the current amount of flesh you have (and not want more or less of you) is simply unrealistic. That's why this topic never dies on these boards -- you'd be asking these men to deny the very thing that brought them here.
> 
> That said, expecting him to clam up about his needs/desires and not bug his SO to gain or lose...that's not easy but at least possible. But throw us a bone ok? Don't hate an FA for being an FA.



I'll point out a question that's been asked a number of times and what you may have missed: if you're unhappy with the person you're with, why not just find someone you can be happy with?

I think most of us eventually come to the realization that happiness is largely within our control. Any man who wants a woman to gain has a choice to go after a woman who will be happy to oblige him. In that case, everybody wins! Since gaining is so central to the sexuality of some people, and not something they want to live without, it would strike me as obvious that to be with a non-gainer, no matter how cool that person is all around, is a losing proposition. I at least am *genuinely interested* in understanding what might be gained (no pun intended) by staying in a relationship where the CRUCIAL, make-or-break factor in one's happiness is incongruent with our partner's own desires. I remain puzzled by this.

An FA is a fat admirer, as far as I know, by the way. In most of the discussion here, we've been talking about men desiring women to gain. Not every FA wants a partner who will gain. 

In conclusion: An emphatic "no..." Notwithstanding your claims to the contrary, none of the women who have stepped forward here to say _"love her as she is, or find someone else"_ is expressing a "hate" of anyone, FA or otherwise, as far as I can tell. In my own case, I am only pointing out what I see as obvious and logical: if you want a gaining woman, find a gaining woman, not someone who has to be cajoled into it.

Note: I can't help notice, by the way, the way you objectify "the current amount of flesh" as though it could be separated from the person as a whole. Forgive me for being a smart alec, but last time I checked "flesh" isn't something that I can take off or put on to suit my current mood in the style of a fat suit. My flesh is me. When you come along and assess "the current amount of flesh" as though you're assessing an inaminate object (i.e., the current number of our oil stores; the current amount of water left in the reservoir), you're really assessing me in inhuman terms. Frankly, your language strikes me as anchored in the culture of image and commodity consumption, rather than informed by human factors. I offer this commentary not as a judgment, by the way--who am I to judge?--but as a way of stimulating discussion. Just one woman's opinion! I would be _truly interested in hearing_ whether you can agree at all with any of my assessments here, and in hearing your reasons why.

I know our culture is big on fantasizing about disposable flesh and fake boobs and silicone implants of all kinds, and that plastic surgery has become the quick answer to our body image problems, but none of this denies the need of the individual human to be accepted as a whole. To hold that we can base our relationships on some sort of acceptable compromise on "the current amount of flesh" that a partner's body offers strikes me as misguided. I'm aware that at the heart of this controversy is the real desire that some people have to assert their power over another human body. That much is evident to me as I read the polemics of "but you can't ask *us* to change when you don't want to change yourself." Clearly, where some people are concerned, _someone_ needs to yield. The only question then is, who will do the yielding. The obvious way to de-fuse that polemic, to _my_ mind, is to step out of it and simply say _"Well, I'll look for what I need with someone who can give it to me, someone who might enjoy gaining as part of our sexual relationship."_ The question that remains unsawered, for me, is why this option is not accepted as a more than sound alternative to the push and pull and agony of "encouraging" someone to gain who does not want to do it to begin with.

My apologies for the long post. Many interesting issues raised here, thus my prolixity.


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## Fascinita (Mar 12, 2008)

eyesforyou said:


> Just show her around on Dims and all the BBW models on myspace, etc, show her that there are many people who are attracted to it and that it can be healthy as well as sexually satisfying. Also show her the acceptance sites and all the statistics about how unhealthy dieting is.



What if she declines to be shown all of the stuff you mention? Say she's busy and has her own interests and is just not that interested in looking at BBW models, etc. In that case, how should he proceed?


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## Tychondarova (Mar 12, 2008)

There is no harm in asking, but badgering can ruin a relationship. This is ground that has to be tread VERY VERY carefully. I personally was in the same sort of situation as you. I wanted my girlfriend to get fatter. She said she wanted to. She got fatter, then admitted she only did it for me, and lost the weight. We're still together.

Yeah, it worked out for me, but it caused A LOT of problems that were very hard to get over. I guess the question I have to ask you is, "is it worth it?"

-Ty


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## eyesforyou (Mar 12, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> What if she declines to be shown all of the stuff you mention? Say she's busy and has her own interests and is just not that interested in looking at BBW models, etc. In that case, how should he proceed?



then he should consider a different relationship with someone he will be physically attracted to or learn to love her as she is. But if she is willing to consider gaining then I would assume that she would want to know more about the culture.


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## Fascinita (Mar 12, 2008)

eyesforyou said:


> But if she is willing to consider gaining then I would assume that she would want to know more about the culture.



But I thought the idea was to get her to consider gaining by showing her more about the culture. I'm confused.


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## eyesforyou (Mar 12, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> But I thought the idea was to get her to consider gaining by showing her more about the culture. I'm confused.



"Shes recently changed her mind but I can tell she still is very apprehensive because of what people will think."

she has already decided to gain, she just needs to see that a lot of people find it beautiful and awesome, that is the point of exposing her to the culture, not to get her to gain, but to help her feel comfortable about it.


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## Markt (Mar 12, 2008)

To be honest, my post was motivated by the undercurrent of man-bashing that creeps up here, especially on this topic. It just seems that if this recurring complaint comes up, that fa's often ask their SO to gain, we should consider how to handle and soothe issue rather than condemning the guys. Clearly that's going against the grain whether we like it or not. 

As for objectifying 'flesh', I can't apologize fo loving the girl I'm with while occasionally indulging my interest in her fat/gaining body, which I do in fact separate in my mind -- a woman is not just her body, right? If a woman preferred me to be thinner or more muscular or whatever I wouldn't blame her and be angry with her. That's just her preference. Doesn't mean she doesn't love me and wants to stay with me. 

Maybe we're over-thinking this. As others have said, it's ok to ask but not to badger.


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## Fairest Epic (Mar 12, 2008)

ummm so she probably feels cornered...i know i would. 

Women are sensitive to appearance issues. I would neither gain weight or lose weight for someone. If it was something i wanted to do and my significant other and i approached it as a fun project where there was not even a hint of an ultimatum...then i'd be down. But...just think about how she may feel. Make sure she knows you support her no matter what. She's also probably uneasy maybe due to a lack of security and commitment. Maybe she feels she will beocme undesirable to the world if she adds lbs, and if you leave her in her heavy-set vulnerability, then she's assuming she'll be screwed in her quest for love. Get where i'm coming from?


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## Markt (Mar 12, 2008)

Jon Blaze said:


> Don't assume an FA is defined by wanting "More" (Or less). Some of us actually do appreciate (Or at least try to appreciate) women the way they come,
> 
> (And not to be rude, but your first comment is a fallacy. FAs not obsessing over weight and weight gain == giving up their FA-dom? Says who? Ever heard of a moderate? Think of the difference between dieting for weight loss, purposeful weight gain [With extra intake] and HAES. Which one is different? Hmmm?)



Well, calling someone's comment a fallacy is hard not to take as rude.  But I don't mind. I should have said SOME fa's are very interested in that...not all. Different strokes for different folks I guess.
So I'll clarify my language -- If a bbw finds a man that is highly attracted to her at least partially due to her size, then she can't be shocked that he might have a deep interest in keeping her that size or even bigger. I'm not saying she should LIKE that aspect of him, but don't call him an asshole for simply having those feelings! That would be as crazy as that same guy dating a skinny girl and trying to make her gain. 

There seems to be a lot of pent up anger toward men, even the nice ones, because of how we express needs. I agree that some of us have some tiresome traits, no doubt. Just, a little more understanding of this very grey area please. The issue seemed nailed when someone wrote that it's ok to ask but not ok to badger. I've definitely badgered before and sincerely apologize. But I can't apologize for having these feelings anymore than a woman should apologize for her weight.


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## Littleghost (Mar 12, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> Hee. Man but I'd love to hear that conversation.
> 
> Guy: I want you to get fat.
> You: Ok! Bring out the cupcakes.
> ...



Did I ever mention how much I hate you, Mr. Rep Button?


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## Jes (Mar 12, 2008)

Markt said:


> Gee, thanks. You realize that expecting FAs to resist their weight obsessions is also asking them to change and deny themselves, right? .



You're wrong. I'm not asking you to deny your weight obsession. I'm saying that when it moves over onto someone who isn't into it, it's not about you anymore. If you were a Christian trying to get someone to attend your bible meeting again and again, I wouldn't tell you not to be a Christian. I'd tell you to give the proselytizing a rest. It wouldn't benefit your relationship, in my eyes. See what I mean?

And I don't understand your term 'keeping her that size.' He's not the witch in Hansel and Gretel or a zoo keeper. I am a BBW. I am in your target group described above. If a man used that terminology with me, yes, I would be shocked.

I'm not talking about feelings. I'm talking about actions. Want your GF to gain as much as you want her to gain. I object to the idea of talking about it with her (in any other way that an informative one).


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## Jes (Mar 12, 2008)

Markt said:


> There seems to be a lot of pent up anger toward men, even the nice ones, because of how we express needs. .



Why do you think that is?


And is there a difference, to you, between needs and preferences? If this is indeed a need of yours, why on earth are you with a woman for whom the same thing is not a need?


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## Miss Vickie (Mar 12, 2008)

Just getting caught up on this thread...



LoveBHMS said:


> OTOH, there are some men (and women) who are into weight gain as a sexual practice. They become sexually aroused at watching or participating in a woman getting fatter. They might enjoy feeding her, watching her eat, watching her be unable to fit into clothing, or enjoy seeing her body change over time. So there is a difference between "I want you to change how you look" and "I want you to participate in a sexual fetish related activity."
> 
> Clearly nobody should be asked to participate in a sexual activity with which they are not comfortable, but asking is ok and part of a healthy relationship.



I agree. And you're right -- there's nothing wrong with asking. Burtimus and I have introduced each other to a smattering of kinks over the decades of our relationship; it keeps things interesting, and we trust each other to bring up things to talk about. But we each have our limits and we respect those limits because we care about each other. And we've each tried stuff we weren't sure about to please the other, sometimes being pleasantly surprised and sometimes realizing that it just wasn't our cuppa. I have absolutely no problem with that, even if it included food play or gaining. I can't personally relate to it, having struggled with my weight for so long, but I realize that not everyone has experienced the same weight related frustrations that I have.

But to me, haranguing someone over months to get them to essentially change how they look is wrong. I hate it when men hassle women to lose weight, and I hate it when women hassle their men to dress better, cut their hair, change their eyeglasses, etc. I just think it's really disrespectful because if you love that person they you love ALL of them. I think this is particular true when you're asking someone to gain weight which has the potential to cause health problems. Is this guy gonna be there to help her when she has difficulty getting around? If she gets sick, will he care for her? I hear of these guys fattening women up and leaving them and that just makes me so sad; it's like the women are disposable or something.   



olwen said:


> Imafishy5, do you really truly want to be with someone who is doing something she doesn't like just to satisfy you? It won't make you feel bad to know she doesn't like it? It won't make you feel selfish to decide she _has_ to gain for you just because you want it?



Wow, what a couple of interesting things you brought up.

First, would you really want to be with someone who would give in so quickly? That is such a great question. Do we really want to be with someone who has such low self esteem or sense of self that they will do anything to please a partner? For me, the answer is no. I want someone who will know who they are, stand up for what's best for them, and be a full participating partner in our relationship.

Secondly, selfishness. I'd feel horribly selfish if I manipulated my loved one into doing something that would make him miserable or unhappy. That's just how I roll, when it comes to my relationships. I think if you respect someone you don't ask them to do something that they don't want, solely for your .... interest? Fascination? Desire?



> If gaining is the most important thing to you in a relationship, find a girl who's willing, no eager to do it and save your current girl the anxiety of feeling like a bad girlfriend for not being able to make you happy in the bedroom.



True. There are lots of girls out there who are into that and looking for guys who want to make them bigger. Seems like a match made in heaven to me. Why push someone into something they don't want to do. It's like pushing a threesome on your lover. If they're into it (and lots of folks are!) that's great. But if they're not, it's disrespectful to push them into it.



bigirlover said:


> Don't be nasty. Take it easy on him. Jeeesh!



Why? Why should I take it easy on him when he hasn't taken it easy on someone he purportedly loves? And I wasn't nasty. Trust me. What I was, was very straightforward. I'm sorry you can't see the difference.



Markt said:


> Gee, thanks. You realize that expecting FAs to resist their weight obsessions is also asking them to change and deny themselves, right? Please put the shoe on the other foot for minute. I'm equally frustrated by the attitude that says all guys are obnoxious if they express interest in weight gain to their SO's.



Mark, I don't think any of us are saying that. Mentioning it is fine. Even asking or sharing fantasies is great, fine, and even fun! I think it's great that you're into weight, because it means my fat sisters have someone who can adore them _as they are_. What we're objecting to is the idea that it's okay to push someone into something they don't want to do, basically verbally wearing them down until they cry "Uncle" and give in, because ultimately that's how it goes. 

It would be wrong to do that to encourage your partner to have an open relationship. It would be wrong to do that to encourage your partner to be into BDSM. It would be wrong to do that to encourage your partner to gain weight. Your love of fat women is great, but that doesn't mean that just because you're into it that the woman you're involved with has to be. Does it?



> So many posts here from women here who are happy to discover men enjoying their full figures, but then get upset that those same men might like more or less or different shapes etc.



Okay, let's put the shoe on the other foot, shall we. How would you feel if a woman expressed admiration for, say, your hair. You have such lovely, thick hair, she says. You feel good about yourself, right? So far so good. But then she starts saying, "You know, your hair would look great longer." But you like your hair the way it is. But she keeps bringing it up, "Why don't you grow out your hair? I love long hair on guys. I love running my finger through it. My last boyfriend had hair down to his waist, did you know that? Please, do it for me? You're handsome the way you are but you'd be even MORE attractive with long hair. Oh, and maybe could you color it? Or better yet, let ME color it! I can even brush it and comb it and color it. I'll take care of it for you, I promise." Suddenly it becomes all she talks about and you feel really pressured to grow your hair and maybe you feel like she's more into your HAIR than she is into YOU.

I'm exaggerating a little (not a lot) but how do you suppose that would make you feel? Especially if growing your hair long could jeopardize your job. Gaining weight is even more complicated because it can have very real health and mobility ramifications. I think it should only be done by someone who is as enthusiastically into gaining as the other is into feeding. Otherwise it's coercion.



eyesforyou said:


> Sometimes we fall in love with people for their personalities and not their bodies. I myself have fallen deeply in love with women who are much smaller than I prefer. Asking a partner to do something isn't a bad thing, _especially if you are willing to go to equal measures to achieve their sexual and physical happiness_.



Yes. Exactly.



> Nagging and guilting are something that are intolerable and a control issue but he doesn't sound like he is trying to guilt her into something she doesn't want to do.



I agree with you on the first part, but I think he was saying that he was trying to coerce her into something she didn't want to do. It's a subtle difference, and maybe I misread his post, but it really sounded like it was a long term thing that he'd been trying to make happen. And if he was doing that it's, as you said, _intolerable_.



> It doesn't necessarily have to be about gaining, it can be about eating more comfortably and the gaining can just be a pleasant side effect.



I would have absolutely no problem with this. I think that eating more comfortably and encouraging anyone to let go of the stupid fascist beauty standards we have is a good thing. And yeah, if she gains, so be it. I just have a problem with the whole "Please gain 50 pounds for me" thing. It's like asking someone to get breast (or penile!) implants or any other potentially permanent change in their body.



eyesforyou said:


> "Shes recently changed her mind but I can tell she still is very apprehensive because of what people will think."
> 
> she has already decided to gain, she just needs to see that a lot of people find it beautiful and awesome, that is the point of exposing her to the culture, not to get her to gain, but to help her feel comfortable about it.



I would take it for what it seems, that she's changed her mind, if not for the fact that he mentioned that he'd been trying to get her to be into it for a long time. If he mentions it once or twice and she opts to come around to it, then that's great! And yeah, why not expose her to the culture, see if it floats her boat, so to speak. It's the whole "I've been trying to get her to..." thing that bugs me. And just for the record, I hate it when women do it to men, too.


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## LoveBHMS (Mar 12, 2008)

For a lot of people, it's really about the process. 

It's pretty unique in that way because it would take some time to figure out if you were into it or not, it would necessarily (good or bad) change over time how it affected you. You could enjoy a few good feeding sessions but suddenly be annoyed or inconvenienced by clothes not fitting. Alternately when clothes don't fit you might find yourself insanely hot. But as you're _finding it hot_ you're also realizing your partner's health may be affected.

It's not "look different" it's "engage in the process of trying to look different."

So much fetishism is about the process, about the change in the partner, about the sexuality taking over the person who is undergoing the change. That is why most weight gain fiction follows the story line of 

1. Thin/average person
2. Encounters partner
3. Partner encourages gain.
4. Thin average person enjoys gain
5. Thin average person is now fat.
6. Everyone is happy.

One reason men are _so much about the numbers_ is their ability to show a change. i.e. starting out at 130 pounds and ending up at 310.

Also there is a difference between "it would be really hot for her to gain" and "it would be really hot to have a fat girlfriend." Some people are aroused by the thought/idea of it, but actually *not* the end result.


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## eyesforyou (Mar 12, 2008)

Miss Vickie said:


> I would have absolutely no problem with this. I think that eating more comfortably and encouraging anyone to let go of the stupid fascist beauty standards we have is a good thing.



a most excellent statement. I think we can all agree that Asking = OK and badgering = BAD. I think the simple part of where we differ is on whether or not he was asking and she decided or whether he was badgering and she decided. Hopefully he might pop in and help us resolve this dilema. 

And I couldn't agree with you more about TRYING TO GET YOUR SO TO DO SOMETHING. A relationship is about equality and respect, not subversion and control. I think that both partners in a relationship should make it very clear that they will take their partners suggestions into consideration but ultimately it is THEIR CHOICE and they are the one who will have to deal with the repercussions of said choice.


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## Markt (Mar 12, 2008)

Sorry, but I have never dated a woman in my entire life who did not tell me she'd prefer me to be different in some way. Whether it was about looks, money, graduate degrees, ethnicity, religion. I used to get frustrated by that until I noticed they did it with other boyfriends too. Every. Single. One. Just a function of time I think. 

However -- I've never accused every woman of this, just because many of the ones I've come across were critical. And I'm certainly not a man who dislikes women, far far from it. Nor does it make me think that I should change for them. Same way if your lovers express interest in you gaining or losing, you're not rushing to change for them either. 

So...I've come to realize that a lot of this must be chalked up to human nature. That's why marketers splash the word 'new' 'upgraded' and 'different' on products. Not everyone wants their SO to be different in some little way, but sooooo many people do. It doesn't mean you're rejecting them! It's all in being sensitive to your SO and whether you elect to mention it or not. 

Jes, can we agree that both genders are guilty of putting various levels of pressure out there? As I've pointed out, I've been on the receiving end many times from women, yet objectively speaking I'm not a half bad guy. 

Also, some of you responded saying that 'mentioning preference' is ok, others said even mentioning it is the kiss of death. And I'm not even bringing up the women who actually enjoy sadism and being pressured to gain/lose (believe it or not they are out there too). 

So...again, can we all agree that there are very very perfect situations and very very few of us are totally innocent? Note that in my earlier thread I admitted having badgered and apologized for it, I realize that is a bad thing to do.


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## eyesforyou (Mar 12, 2008)

Markt said:


> There seems to be a lot of pent up anger toward men, even the nice ones, because of how we express needs. I agree that some of us have some tiresome traits, no doubt. Just, a little more understanding of this very grey area please. The issue seemed nailed when someone wrote that it's ok to ask but not ok to badger. I've definitely badgered before and sincerely apologize. But I can't apologize for having these feelings anymore than a woman should apologize for her weight.



I agree with the gist of what you are saying Markt, in clinical studies, women who were injected with testosterone stated that, "all they could think about was sex." Ultimately, our different mindsets are based largely on (but not to discount nurturing/experiences either) our biological functions, men have testosterone, which increases sex drive and aggression and women have estrogen which increases emotional sensitivity and nurturing. Now I am not saying that these are the only roles men and women can fill, practically, some men are better at nurturing than some women and I know for a fact that some women have bigger sex drives then some men D) Those are just our basic chemical starting points in your average homo sapient. So guys, try to be more understanding of the ladies feelings, and ladies, try to be more mindful of the fact that for most guys, we can't stop thinking about sex, and its not because we are perverts, its just our bodies trying to fulfill a biological agenda. Some guys certainly need to learn some restraint, it isn't all about pleasing YOU, but some guys work very hard to be mindful of their SO, be they male or female and I know that some ladies strive to be mindful of their SO, be they male or female, as well. No bashing to anyone, just throwin in my two cents.


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## Markt (Mar 12, 2008)

Jes said:


> If this is indeed a need of yours, why on earth are you with a woman for whom the same thing is not a need?



It's a need in a similar sense that sex is a need, but I won't curl up and die without it. I'll just go somewhat unfulfilled but will still survive ok. E.g. there are plenty of sexless marriages where one partner wants intercourse and the other doesnt. Some of these will last decades but are not devoid of friendship and even joy. It's an extreme analogy but I think it still fits. 

To answer your question, why on earth am I with a woman for whom the same thing is not a need:
1. I'm actually single at the moment. (jes, feel free to ping me at myspace.com/marknyc )
2. Finding a woman who is openly interested in weight gain is pretty darn hard to find. 
3. I won't lie -- part of the 'sinful' nature of my interest is in introducing the topic just to gauge reaction...and sometimes where there was no interest, suddenly or even over time, the interest grows in her. And that's friggin hot! And if she's not interested then I shut the hell up.


Sort of reminds me of the time I dated a girl who said 'no' when I'd start getting frisky, and when I'd back-off she'd complain that I should have proceeded! She'd then say that I just "don't know how to read her signals" (even when the word 'no' was uttered). 
Sigh....

mark


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## butch (Mar 13, 2008)

If this has already been said, please forgive me. I've been thinking about this thread since last night, and I wondered if part of the problem between what some F(F)As want, and what some fat people are willing and able to do for their partner, comes down to the fact that there probably aren't a whole lot of fat people willing to gain weight for a partner. If the number of fat people as a whole are resistant to fat acceptance or thinking that there is anything good at all about fat is as large as I believe it is (the vast majority of fat people), then it only stands to reason that the percentage of fat people willing and able to add more fat to their bodies seems impossibly small.

Also, as any fat person can tell you, most of us have grown up with messages from family, doctors, friends, peers, strangers, the media, teachers, etc. telling us we're not good enough unless we change the size of our bodies. 

So, even if someone who desires our fat bodies says to us "I think you're so sexy that I wish there was more of you-you'd be even hotter!" that isn't much different than hearing "you have such a pretty face, if only you lost weight." I don't think thin F(F)As get that either message says the exact same thing to the individual-you aren't good enough and desirable as you are right now, and you must change that for someone else's approval. That sucks to hear no matter what change is being considered, and I think, when it comes to body size, this goes beyond, and hurts deeper, than other changes, like hair styles or types of clothing.

I can sometimes understand what the male FAs are saying here because I am a FFA, but I'm also fat, and so I know that I don't like any external force telling me to change my body, even if it is someone who loves me deeply. I didn't like it when my parents did it, and they love me very much, so why would I like it when a partner does it to me?

And I also find myself perplexed, because I do find some things hot that one might associate with fatness- limited and situational weight gain, measurements and weights, indulgent eating, and yet I have not met another fat person in real life into those things like I am. It can be quite frustrating to be with someone that you lust for, body and mind, and want to know how much they weigh because it will get you off, and yet they never give up the numbers. And fat me remembers all the times someone used my weight to judge me, and so I understand, and I accept, that just because I lust for them, and I'm fat too, that this isn't enough to make that level of sharing or erotic play comfortable, easy, and pleasurable for them, because it doesn't erase a lifetime of being made to feel like shit because of the numbers on a scale.

We don't get everything in life we fantasize about, bottom line (unless we're Hefner, lol). I think, though, that most of us can find sufficient compromise and alternative erotic behaviors to satisfy both ourselves and our partners, as F(F)As and fat people. And maybe, in time, I'll get that hot fattie to give up the weight digits, but until then, I find other ways to satisfy my own desires for fat people without making my partner feel bad.


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## Fascinita (Mar 13, 2008)

Markt said:


> To be honest, my post was motivated by the undercurrent of man-bashing that creeps up here, especially on this topic. It just seems that if this recurring complaint comes up, that fa's often ask their SO to gain, we should consider how to handle and soothe issue rather than condemning the guys. Clearly that's going against the grain whether we like it or not.
> 
> As for objectifying 'flesh', I can't apologize fo loving the girl I'm with while occasionally indulging my interest in her fat/gaining body, which I do in fact separate in my mind -- a woman is not just her body, right? If a woman preferred me to be thinner or more muscular or whatever I wouldn't blame her and be angry with her. That's just her preference. Doesn't mean she doesn't love me and wants to stay with me.
> 
> Maybe we're over-thinking this. As others have said, it's ok to ask but not to badger.




No, I mean, I think it's good to discuss stuff that pushes our buttons. I for one am grateful for the opportunity that's offered by this board to find out more about people's attitudes to fat, etc. It's not about overthinking, but about wanting to keep a conversation going about stuff that's seldom talked about "in real life."

I disagree about what you see as man-bashing. I see people here asserting their sides of the issue, and I see questions being asked. I see tensions being expressed and aired. But I don't see people calling anyone names or trying to say that men are bad. I don't see anyone here calling men "assholes" as you claim, above.

Thanks for your feedback.


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## Fascinita (Mar 13, 2008)

eyesforyou said:


> Ultimately, our different mindsets are based largely on (but not to discount nurturing/experiences either) our biological functions, men have testosterone, which increases sex drive and aggression and women have estrogen which increases emotional sensitivity and nurturing.



Actually, technically speaking both men and women have both estrogen and testosterone. Some women even have more testosterone than some men. On the average, more men have more testosterone than women. But there is a hormonal spectrum, and where an individual falls on that spectrum is not necessarily predicted by gender.

One problem with drawing a rhetorical line in the sand about "hardwired" preferences or inclinations in men and women is that the biological truth is often much more fluid.

Just thought it worth mentioning.


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## Fascinita (Mar 13, 2008)

butch said:


> If this has already been said, please forgive me. I've been thinking about this thread since last night, and I wondered if part of the problem between what some F(F)As want, and what some fat people are willing and able to do for their partner, comes down to the fact that there probably aren't a whole lot of fat people willing to gain weight for a partner. If the number of fat people as a whole are resistant to fat acceptance or thinking that there is anything good at all about fat is as large as I believe it is (the vast majority of fat people), then it only stands to reason that the percentage of fat people willing and able to add more fat to their bodies seems impossibly small.



Butch, there's probably a lot of truth to your general statements about fat phobia and fear of gaining, but most of these weight-gain fantasies do not hinge on making a fat person fatter necessarily. That I've been able to see, the majority specifically revolve around making a thin person fat (and perhaps keeping that person fat later.) It's a pattern others on this thread also seem to have noticed. It's remarkable in that, as Love BHMS notes above, "wanting to see a woman get big and wanting a big girlfriend are _not_ the same thing."


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## Jes (Mar 13, 2008)

Totes. Did you hear the This American Life segment on this not that long ago? Hysterical. The straight guys in the office were all bummed that some of the women had higher testosterone, and the gay dude blew everyone else out of the water.


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## Fascinita (Mar 13, 2008)

Jes said:


> Totes. Did you hear the This American Life segment on this not that long ago? Hysterical. The straight guys in the office were all bummed that some of the women had higher testosterone, and the gay dude blew everyone else out of the water.



Yeah, I heard this story a while back. Wuz funny. lol The one woman producer had high test. right? And the other guy with the low test. was sooo bummed. lol

It's funny how it got turned into a pissing contest. haha


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## butch (Mar 13, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Butch, there's probably a lot of truth to your general statements about fat phobia and fear of gaining, but most of these weight-gain fantasies do not hinge on making a fat person fatter necessarily. That I've been able to see, the majority specifically revolve around making a thin person fat (and perhaps keeping that person fat later.) It's a pattern others on this thread also seem to have noticed. It's remarkable in that, as Love BHMS notes above, "wanting to see a woman get big and wanting a big girlfriend are _not_ the same thing."




I agree with you, but I was responding mostly to the OP, who I thought implied that his girlfriend was already fat to some degree. I wasn't thinking at all about thin people getting fat, because some F(F)As do get off on the idea of fat people getting fatter, too. And that may or may not have the same power dynamics going on that many of you have identified with the FA and their desire to 'grow their own.'


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## eyesforyou (Mar 13, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Actually, technically speaking both men and women have both estrogen and testosterone. Some women even have more testosterone than some men. On the average, more men have more testosterone than women. But there is a hormonal spectrum, and where an individual falls on that spectrum is not necessarily predicted by gender.
> 
> One problem with drawing a rhetorical line in the sand about "hardwired" preferences or inclinations in men and women is that the biological truth is often much more fluid.
> 
> Just thought it worth mentioning.



I was speaking in generalities, I understand that it can fluctuate significantly from person to person. I was only trying to speak to the concentration of the one of the two hormones in your "average" male/female and the differences derived from said concentration.


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