# How to help a friend suffering from anorexia? (urgent)



## GeorgeNL (Dec 10, 2005)

I know this is a very difficult subject, but maybe some of you can give a good advice.

A good friend of me is suffering for years now from anorexia. She has gone through many therapies, including psychotherapie and a special centers for people with eating disorders. But not really with much succes. 
A small improvement has been made in that she admits that something in her brain blocks her from eating normally. In the beginning she was just fooling herself and others. But currently the situation has become really critical. She is almost only skin and bones and her body is not even able to keep her temperature stable. I am very afraid that she won't make it another few months. Last week I had the feeling I could see the death in her eyes, it is like all flames have gone out. 
She has a great husband, but we all are desparate and running out of options. She is really a lovely person, but her mind is ill.The situation has become really urgent now, and I wonder if there is anything that still can be done to save her. I'm afraid that not with free will and as she is suffering so long, I don't even know if her body can handle a normal meal.

Does anyone know if there is anything that can be done to save her? 
For some reason she seems to like me very much, and she often asks me to visit them. We (her husband and I) always need to hold her a while, because she is afraid to die and a tight hug releases some fear. 
Being a good friend, can I do something extra?

Thanks,

George


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## divacl (Dec 10, 2005)

Hi George,
I am very sorry about what you and your friends are going through. Yes, anorexia is a horrible disease that has been researched greatly, but with limited therapy success. I have dealt with several cases that have indeed turn tragic. Since she has tried and failed at conventional treatment, desperate times may call for desperate measures. A feeding tube for nutritional support will save her life, but unfortunately, will not be the cure for her. However, it may be easier for her to follow treatment regimens when she is at least maintaining a stable weight. There are 2 forms of feeding tube. One is an nasal tube and the other a tube that is inserted to the stomach itself. Both can be taken out when she is stable enough to continue therapy again. 
I only hope this helps. But the best thing for you and her husband to do right now is encourage her to get help.
Christy


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## GeorgeNL (Dec 10, 2005)

divacl said:


> Hi George,
> A feeding tube for nutritional support will save her life, but unfortunately, will not be the cure for her. However, it may be easier for her to follow treatment regimens when she is at least maintaining a stable weight. There are 2 forms of feeding tube. One is an nasal tube and the other a tube that is inserted to the stomach itself. Both can be taken out when she is stable enough to continue therapy again.
> Christy



Thank you Christy. Yes, she had this nasal tube feeding before. Not that she liked it, but at least it gives her some extra time to live. Do you know if people who have been starving themselves so long, still can handle a normal meal? 
And what kind of therapy do you think might help her?

Thanks,

George


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## rainyday (Dec 10, 2005)

George, it sounds like she may have been in one before, but if her situation is that grave, she probably should be checked into an inpatient eating disorders program in a hospital ASAP.

When I was researching eating disorders programs long ago, one of the things I read was that anorexics can be at risk when they begin gaining weight again because it's very hard on the heart. Karen Carpenter died at that stage, I think. Whether she's still losing or regaining, it seems imperative that she be monitored by medical professionals.

Finding the right therapist can be very hard and sometimes you have to keep trying until you the right one. I saw four different ones before I finally found one who helped me leave bulima behind. It's also important to work with a psychiatrist who specializes in psychiatric drugs and is knowledgable about the most current drug research. I don't know what they'd be called in the Netherlands, but that type of pyschiatrist here is called a psychopharmacologist. A patient usually sees them in addition to a regular therapist or psychiatrist and the psychopharmacologist manages the drug therapy portion of the treatment.

Good luck to her, George. As her friend the fear of losing her must be very scary and I'd imagine all of this is terribly hard to watch.


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## fatlane (Dec 10, 2005)

Hospital. NOW.


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## Totmacher (Dec 11, 2005)

Another vote for some sort've treatment facillitiy here.
It sounds like you're at the stage where ya gottah forgo the pleasantries and check her into a hospital. It also sounds like she'd benefit from an SSRI or a tricyclic, atleast to help her get over the mental block, but _do not quote me on that_.The important thing right now is to keep her alive so you can work out the kinks when you have time and it sounds like doing that might require professional services at this juncture.


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## fatlane (Dec 11, 2005)

Yeah. We're not doctors. We're just scared as hell when we hear stuff like that and people wondering what to do... If you need ANY help in getting a push in the right direction, consider this a love tap from a 300-lb linebacker. After the hospital, long-term treatment really is needed. Perhaps from a different doctor than the one who treated her previously, but long-term treatment is needed.

Whatever you do, don't joke around that she'd getting fat. BAD IDEA with an anorexic, and I'm as serious as a stroke on this one.


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## GeorgeNL (Dec 11, 2005)

Totmacher said:


> Another vote for some sort've treatment facillitiy here.
> It sounds like you're at the stage where ya gottah forgo the pleasantries and check her into a hospital. It also sounds like she'd benefit from an SSRI or a tricyclic, atleast to help her get over the mental block, but _do not quote me on that_.The important thing right now is to keep her alive so you can work out the kinks when you have time and it sounds like doing that might require professional services at this juncture.



Yes indeed, getting her in hospital, such that she get some kind of feeding is the highest priority, just to gain some time.
My feeling also is that something is really wrong with her brain. 
However, she has consulted several proffesional psychiatrists, but they just sended her home, because they considered her able to improve her eating habits by herself. We probably need to find her a better therapist.


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## GeorgeNL (Dec 11, 2005)

fatlane said:


> Whatever you do, don't joke around that she'd getting fat. BAD IDEA with an anorexic, and I'm as serious as a stroke on this one.



He he, no surely not! I don't even dare to mention my admiration for the beauty of BBWs, cause I'm afraid that will make her only feel more miserable. Although maybe if her own ideas of perfect beauty would have been different, her life expectancy would be a lot better.


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## fatlane (Dec 11, 2005)

GeorgeNL said:


> He he, no surely not! I don't even dare to mention my admiration for the beauty of BBWs, cause I'm afraid that will make her only feel more miserable. Although maybe if her own ideas of perfect beauty would have been different, her life expectancy would be a lot better.



True, true... but if her current vision is psychotic - and it seems to be - it's best to NOT argue with it. You don't have to agree, but you don't argue. That's what trained professionals did to me once upon a time...


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## GeorgeNL (Dec 11, 2005)

fatlane said:


> True, true... but if her current vision is psychotic - and it seems to be - it's best to NOT argue with it. You don't have to agree, but you don't argue. That's what trained professionals did to me once upon a time...



No indeed. Currently you cannot argue with her about any subject, not even about the weather. Her truth currently is absolute. However, I know underneath this bitternes there is still hidden that lovely person we once knew. Sometimes we see a glimpse of her, and I still hope that one day we'll see her again.


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## divacl (Dec 11, 2005)

GeorgeNL said:


> Thank you Christy. Yes, she had this nasal tube feeding before. Not that she liked it, but at least it gives her some extra time to live. Do you know if people who have been starving themselves so long, still can handle a normal meal?
> And what kind of therapy do you think might help her?
> 
> Thanks,
> ...




George,
There are several ways to answer your question. Physically, she should be able to tolerate food by mouth. But it will require a slow transition. However, psychologically she may never be able to transition without *Well Trained* professional help. In this case, you may need to seek help outside of your local area. Just as everyone has said, the key is *immediate* treatment.

Christy


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## Single26Female (Dec 15, 2005)

divacl said:


> George,
> There are several ways to answer your question. Physically, she should be able to tolerate food by mouth. But it will require a slow transition. However, psychologically she may never be able to transition without *Well Trained* professional help. In this case, you may need to seek help outside of your local area. Just as everyone has said, the key is *immediate* treatment.
> 
> Christy




Agreed with the above post except that she might not be able to tolerate food by mouth.

I battled anorexia for four years, in my early teens. Technically, you aren't anorexic until you meet a certain % below normal body weight. In the time it took me to get there, I'd already been starving myself for half a year. 

Once others intervened, I couldn't physically stomach most foods.  My body no longer reacted as it was supposed to and my digestive system was basically screwed up. Even 12 years later, I still have no psychological appetite and find it difficult to eat large meals.

Even if she could physically keep it down, it would be much more difficult to force herself to eat it. I can't explain it except to say that bulimia/anorexia were the single most compelling urges I've ever felt in my entire life. When I wasn't eating, I couldn't even force myself to eat one piece of bread. I counted every bite of lettuce and ate ice cubes to cure the sensation. 

For me, it never went away. It just morphed. Now, because I have no hunger signals, I just eat for different reasons. I'm severely obese. I have no control over food because I fear that if i try to get control again, I'll slip back into restriction. I did WW in 2002 and did well but then fell RIGHT back into eating disordered behavior. I've accepted now that I'll never be normal and I just have to try and find a balance.

I'm sharing just to try and share some of what your friend might be feeling. Of course, everyone is different. I just wanted to let you know that even if she wants to eat, she feels like she can't. It honest to God feels like the entire world will end if you don't hold up your end of the compulsion...whether it's restricting or purging or binging.

Thanks for listening, hope you are well, prayers for your friend!


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## Jes (Dec 15, 2005)

George
I think the first thing that I feel I should say is that there really is very little that you, or anyone (other than your friend or a very good therapist/doctor) can do. It's a horrible reality, and I don't mean to be unfeeling, but this woman is facing a lack-of-will-to-live issue, and that is nearly impossible to deal with. 
I will also say, on the positive side, that I have heard of a very successful specialist in...I want to say either Canada or California (sorry that I can't be more helpful). She is very expensive, but has some amazing results. She gives patients round-the-clock attention. She hugs and soothes them, is in physical contact with them almost non-stop (she, or one of her well-trained staff members) and after some months, the patients often begin to improve. Her stats are much better than most other programs, and by now, I'm guessing her techniques have been utilized elsewhere. I believe she had a daughter with anorexia, and this is how she helped her (essentially, she is mothering the patients, like a mama bird, and it seems effective, perhaps b/c it rewires the brain a bit, which is the problem to begin with).
I can't think of her name, but she was interviewed on an evening tv show (in america of course) some years ago (20/20, or something like that). Maybe someone else knows? 
If you can get your friend into this program, or something LIKE this program, it might be worth a shot. It will be expensive and I'm sure there's a waiting list, but that's about all you can do. 
No amount of your care, energy or hope will cure this woman or even help her that much, which is, I agree, a horrible shame. Good luck


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