# Being friends with slender people...



## user 41412 (Aug 28, 2009)

(Im new to Dimensions, been lurking on and off for a while but I decided to start posting today!) 

Dont get me wrong I love my skinny friends, but they have such a different perspective on the world. 

I go shopping with them to shops that stop at a UK size 14, when Im a size 18 (petite) and they try to get me to try stuff on. Then they think Im down on myself when I say that the item they are offering me wouldnt fit on my arm! I just dont get why the think that trying to convince me Im a 14, when Im not, is going to do me any good!

Im happy the way I am, a bunch of my skinny friends are only skinny because they dont eat properly anyway. Not that Im little miss health food but Im fat and I love my body, it sometimes strikes me that they will never be skinny enough to make themselves happy. 

Im a bit tired of my friends trying to get me to join them on their harebrained diet plans too! Its not just that the idea of eating every meal for the foreseeable future in bar form fills me with dread, I dont want to change, Im happy being plump. I dont think my skinny mates get it.I dont base my self value on my physical appearance, but I do love my physical appearance! 

I expect this is a common problem for a lot of BBWs.


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## Suze (Aug 28, 2009)

i have that "problem" too. my closest friends are all skinny and i've never really had friends around my size (or bigger). there IS a lot of stuff they don't get & that's basically the reason why i joined here.

welcome! :happy:


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## AnnMarie (Aug 28, 2009)

All very common, the difference is in how you handle it and talk to your friends. 

Saying "that thing won't fit on my arm!" is very different than saying "that's cute as hell, and if we find it in my size I'll wear it in a second". One sounds like "nah, I'm too fat..." and the other sounds like "I'm realistic about my size and appreciate the suggestion - let's make it work". 


When diets are brought up or I'm likely to be dragged in to the conversation, I state simple things "I'm fine as I am, but good luck!" or something like "Actually I don't diet - I think it's wrong to put good/bad values on food."

Sometimes you just have to be direct. You may have to do it a few times for them to get it - but if you're consistent it usually starts to sink in. If it never does, then eventually you may make a choice on how much you can take. I don't allow negativity and judgment in my life - but as long as people can be respectful of my boundaries, I'm fine. 


For the most part, I have no issue with any friends or colleagues - they respect me and who I am, and that's that. That's all I ask of anyone - fat or thin. It's not the size of the friend, it's the size of the friendship.


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## user 41412 (Aug 28, 2009)

AnnMarie, I think it would be really out of character for me to say "that's cute as hell, and if we find it in my size I'll wear it in a second". LOL Its not like I say that things wouldnt fit me with a frown on my face, I make a playful little joke about it. Besides when I have said ooo I love that, lets see if they have it in my size and the shop doesnt I get the whole aww thing, which kinda leads to the vague suggestion that I may just want to loose some Lbs. LOL .They think they are being nice and looking out for my health. Bless em! 

Suze, cheers for the warm welcome!


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## olwen (Aug 28, 2009)

It is common, and the solution - keep people like that out of your life. But I understand how that isn't always practical. I have been in that same situation and I've gone so far as to try the thing on in front of the person to show them it doesn't fit and then say something like "I think I know what things will fit and what things won't, thank you very much," and I don't hide how annoyed I am. The surprising thing is the look of surprise on their faces when they can see for themselves something won't fit. I guess sometimes with thin people, they just have no clue about how much volume objects have or how much room a thing actually takes up....I guess if they always fits into things then they wouldn't have to think about it.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Aug 28, 2009)

olwen said:


> I guess sometimes with thin people, they just have no clue about how much volume objects have or how much room a thing actually takes up....I guess if they always fits into things then they wouldn't have to think about it.



I think that's part of it, but I also think that when we get to know someone well, we have a pretty consistent mental picture of him or her. When we meet that person, we sometimes don't "see" her because our mental picture cuts in and tells us, "Oh, that's Olwen." I agree that most thin people have no realistic idea of size/weight beyond their own*, but I suspect, considering how fat people are demonized, that many people tend to envision their larger friends as smaller than they actually are.


*I recall reading a story in which a woman was described as being too heavy to stand up without assistance because she weighed (get ready for it) 180 pounds!


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## olwen (Aug 28, 2009)

That makes sense too.


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## Cors (Aug 29, 2009)

Hi! I love your nick. 

My smaller friends do that to me too and when I walk out of the room looking like a stuffed sausage, they actually tell me I look great and that they are jealous. They seem sincere and I believe them because I am often envious of my bigger friends' curves and know how many FAs go crazy for girls in tight clothing, so I usually just gently remind them that I prefer a loose fit. 

The others are also right about thin people generally not knowing or believing someone's size. I don't think all of us demonize fat but I do feel that we have a distorted perception of more extreme sizes (eg. a size 0 must look horrifically bony and sick, while a 20 in the real world must be bloated and massive) when they are all closer than we think, with plenty of variations too. I always get told I don't look my size or weight at all, and there are times I assume that someone is much smaller than me only to find out that they are in fact a couple of sizes bigger. The truth is, many women lie about their dress size and our bodies are shaped so differently that it can be difficult to tell. If they are not too much smaller, it might help if you try to illustrate your size compared to theirs. I tell my tiny friends to imagine two melons in front of their chest and to always check if the arm, waist areas can comfortably stretch a few inches so they can visualize how the same top will fit me. 

You probably know this, but it is worth remembering that you can't always trust the number on the label. Some brands and styles do run large and stretch quite a bit, so if your friends find themselves having to size down, a 14 might just fit you. Ask them to let you know if that is the case. I don't know if it is just my friends but when a girl who normally wears a UK size 12 manages to fit into a size 8 garment, she happily broadcasts it to the others who usually start showing a great deal of interest in the previously overlooked item.


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## user 41412 (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks Cors...  Not a lot of people 'get' it, but a lot of people ask about it! LOL 

i know what you mean about differing sizes but trust me, FCUK will never make my size LOL....


I love my mates, i suspect that they project their body issues onto one another tho...and me... LOL


aww olwen i dont think i could cut them out of my life! Who would come to dinner with me and push their salad arround whilst i eat something deep fried? :eat2: LOL

I think Dr. Feelgood is right, friends try to see you in the best light they can i think... and for skinny people that automatically makes them think im 'good' and a size 12:happy: LOL


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## LovelyLiz (Aug 29, 2009)

Great thread! I was just thinking about this today, and totally relate to how this can be a hard thing to negotiate sometimes. It's really hard to have *only* thin friends (as I do too), because there's this whole part of your life they just can't fully relate to. It can be kind of lonely - which is why these forums are so great for finding other people who may be able to relate! 

My thin friends are great, and I love them dearly, and they are very empathetic when I talk to them about various things that happen to me, or ways I experience the world, related to being fat. But on another level, they just can't get it at all because it's totally outside of their experience. So they sometimes say totally ridiculous, minimizing, idiotic things; and I sometimes confront that, and sometimes not, and then I move on. 

I hope your friends are the types to at least try to understand some of your experiences, and to empathize with some of the annoyances (and also to hear about the positives!) of being fat. Sometimes there's a learning curve, and that can be painful as you have to educate your friends - after all, they are brainwashed into the same anti-fat BS all of us are. But hopefully they're willing to learn...and if they're not, then they're totally not friends worth having.


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## lovelocs (Aug 29, 2009)

It doesn't sound like you have a problem with being friends with slender people. It sounds like there may be an issue with shopping and eating with slender people. Maybe you can find other things to do together. Shopping and eating are both body intensive, and if your buddies have body issues, the whole thing may go somewhere you don't really want it to...


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## user 41412 (Aug 29, 2009)

Cheers womanforconversation, it sounds like you totally get where i'm coming from! 




lovelocs said:


> It doesn't sound like you have a problem with being friends with slender people. It sounds like there may be an issue with shopping and eating with slender people. Maybe you can find other things to do together. Shopping and eating are both body intensive, and if your buddies have body issues, the whole thing may go somewhere you don't really want it to...



LOL. They are just examples i've given. I do everything with my friends. From shopping and eating (which i think are really very normal things to do with friends) to playing poker and going to the Library to read books for uni togeather (my skinny mates and i are all doing MScs).


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## DeDeDeRenne (Aug 30, 2009)

I have not had this problem to occur in a long time. I experienced this in high school. I experienced going to Express and Limited with my skinny friends. It was humiliating to watch them try on clothes. Heck, I wanted to shop also. They never tried to get me to try on clothes with them. Today, we all shop in the same stores because my skinny friends are all BBWs. WOW!!!


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## user 41412 (Aug 30, 2009)

I've got BBW friends, but they are all on deppressing weightloss programs frankly they are worse than my skinny mates! LOL


Like i say i love my mates dearly, but atleast my skinny mates will come swiming with me.


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## MsGreenLantern (Aug 30, 2009)

olwen said:


> It is common, and the solution - keep people like that out of your life. But I understand how that isn't always practical....



Don't cut your friends out of your life because of these reasons. That's silly. Chances are they probably think they're being nice by suggesting you'd fit in the smaller sizes. Its all a part of people's perceptions. If they aren't down with the 'bigger is better' or 'love your body' ideas, they will have different ideas about what would make you happy. Be clearer about it. I used to live in a college townhouse with five other girls, all of which were skinny. They got me though, and I never heard a thing about my weight ever.

They make me a birthday cake; "Big piece for a big girl!" happily shouted when they ask how much I want. Simple, honest delivery, shows confidence and that size isn't an issue in your life. Do things with them, and they will not notice your size. I went on park trips, mall trips, food outings, walks, parties... they never made an issue about my weight because I could, and did, do everything they could do just as successfully. Weight was a non-issue.

Rarely did I ever have a problem going shopping with them. When they asked me along, I would simply plan into the shopping trip a store I knew I could shop in. They were my friends, and gladly came along to help me pick out cute REALISTIC clothes once they knew the selection existed. It was really fun. Make sure you're not a sad-sack about the name brands at the skinny people stores, and they will follow suit. 

Show them through behavior that you are comfortable in your skin, and they will laugh WITH you when you make a joke about it, not be uncomfortable or feel like its a thinly veiled attempt at self deprecation. None of my college friends asked me to join their hairbrained exercise binges or liquid diets. They knew I wasn't into it, and that if anything, I felt bad for THEM while they were acting so nuts.


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## missy_blue_eyez (Aug 30, 2009)

Again, like all the other ladies here, Ive encountered this attitude too. They mean no harm, but it becomes quite demeaning to the point you just want to scream at them, its quite frustrating at times. But, not to sound demeaning, but your a size 18, and Im guessing your from the UK? Which means, really and truthfully there are a wealth of stores which cater for yourself and your friends all under one roof. Yeh, I see your point about FCUK and the like but most highstreet stores run to at least a 16/18. Do you not take your friends to the places you like to shop? An lets be fair, FCUK is so overpriced anyway, why would you want to pay it?! I think you get off lightly! I know its hard sometimes, but be your own person....dont just be another FCUK wearing, follow the crowd type. I know being a larger girl, at times just makes you want to do anything you can just to 'fit in' and not draw anymore attention to yourself, but embrace it, and go and get a show stopping outfit tht puts you at the forefront of those skinny mini's and totally puts them in your shadow for a change. Men go crazy for a curvy bod!

I work in nurseries and education settings, full of women, and the diet talk is rife. I choose to not participate, even when I know people are goading me to get involved, and when they do I stick to the stuff along AnneMaries train of thought. It usually stops them dead in their tracks....I hate the perception that if you are fat it equals that you are miserable, you hate yourself and you should be on some kind of crazy eating regime to combat this 'affliction', and then when people find out that your fat, your happy and your not out to starve yourself, you are then deemed as crazy! 

Ho hum, I love the world!


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## user 41412 (Aug 30, 2009)

True true ladies. 

My mates do come with me to where i like to shop, but I'm a bit of a goth so i wouldnt wear FCUK or most high street stuff anyway! LOL

Plus i have a friend who makes corsets, so most of my going out gear is custom, but my kinny mates are yet to embrace the joys of the corset!


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## nikola090 (Aug 30, 2009)

I agree with what was told on thisthread....however, this community is useful to talking and knowing people of your size, when on daily life we have all skinny friends!


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## msbard90 (Aug 30, 2009)

Hi!

I have a ton of skinny friends. I have one good fat friend. I take my fat friend shopping and going out to eat. I hang out with my skinny friends at home.. I know how it is to feel awkward. A lot of my thin friends want me to start working out with them (by going to the gym). I HAAAATE THE GYM! Besides, the one we have in town has huge walls of windows so everyone passing by can see my ass sweat and jiggle while I work out. GROSS!!! I do like being active to a certain extent, but going on a treadmill isn't my cup of tea. I have told my friends time and time again this, and they finally stopped bugging me. The best thing to do is to be honest with your friends. If you have to go shopping with them at a skinny girl store, then they should make the compromise to hit up a chubby girl store and help you out. Better yet, go shopping with a fat friend (idk if you have any). That could be your shopping buddy. But at any rate, I'm sure your friends wouldn't mind making a compromise for you, because you do it for them.
good luck


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## stubblygoodness7 (Aug 30, 2009)

If they are your friends, why can't you be honest with them? I think we ALL say and do things to our friends that can be interpreted as thoughtless...where we talk without thinking or say something that isn't a big deal to me, but is a HUGE deal to them.

When I called something "retarded" around my friend, she stopped me to tell me that her brother is developmentally disabled and would really like it if I didn't used the word "retarded" in a pejorative way. I never would known if she hadn't told me.

And likewise, when two friends got me a very large gift certificate to Anthropologie, I told them that nothing in that store would ever in a million years fit me, but now I could afford an amazing purse that would make all of them jealous.

They don't see me as the fat girl that they hang out with, they just see me as their friend who likes pretty clothes like they do, and it didn't occur to them that nothing in that store could fit me. And I'm grateful that . But they are my FRIENDS, so I'm honest about things, and we're all a lot happier for it. They love me no matter what size...and occasionally it just means I have to remind them what size I am. 

I hope that they next time they want to get me a gift certificate for new clothes, they'll think more about what sizes the stores carry, but even if they don't, I'll love that they thought about me and wanted to get me a present.


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## olwen (Aug 30, 2009)

MsGreenLantern said:


> Don't cut your friends out of your life because of these reasons. That's silly. Chances are they probably think they're being nice by suggesting you'd fit in the smaller sizes. Its all a part of people's perceptions. If they aren't down with the 'bigger is better' or 'love your body' ideas, they will have different ideas about what would make you happy. Be clearer about it. I used to live in a college townhouse with five other girls, all of which were skinny. They got me though, and I never heard a thing about my weight ever.
> 
> They make me a birthday cake; "Big piece for a big girl!" happily shouted when they ask how much I want. Simple, honest delivery, shows confidence and that size isn't an issue in your life. Do things with them, and they will not notice your size. I went on park trips, mall trips, food outings, walks, parties... they never made an issue about my weight because I could, and did, do everything they could do just as successfully. Weight was a non-issue.
> 
> ...




It's not a major tragedy to stay away from people who undermine you, assume everything you say is a veiled attempt at self-deprecation, don't believe you when you tell them you can't fit into things, ignore you when you say you are bored watching them try on clothes that you can't wear in the skinny chick's store and then bristle when you want to go to the fat chick's store, always trying to get you to count calories, or who act like your size is a character flaw they need to look past in order to really see you. If you think it's okay for friends to continue to do that even after you try to set them straight then more power to you.


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## Melian (Aug 30, 2009)

Maybe you should introduce some of your close friends to Dims, Pulchritudinous. Just tell them to read around for a bit and see some of the BBW perspectives.

I'm one of those "skinny friend" types, and before I started reading/posting on this site I probably would have made some totally ignorant comments too! Several people have already mentioned it, but if you've been skinny all your life, you have zero inclination to avoid booths at restaurants, differentiate a size 18 from a 24, know that shoe width is as important as length, etc. It's not that you want to be a jerk....you just never needed to know until it was pointed out to you.

Good luck with your friends


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## missy_blue_eyez (Aug 30, 2009)

Oh my god, restaurant booths are one of my worst nightmares.......


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## Fuzzy Necromancer (Aug 30, 2009)

I think it's just the "comooon!" factor. You say you spend all your time with them. Sometimes friends you associate and intensely identify with can get a curiously unshakeable conviction that whatever is enjoyable/desirable for them is the same for you, and they will urge you to join up with little attempt at reasoned communication beyond "Come on!" I had a friend like this who simply could not grasp the concept that I don't like going on amusement park rides.


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## user 41412 (Aug 30, 2009)

stubblygoodness7 said:


> If they are your friends, why can't you be honest with them?



What do you mean? How am i being dishonest?


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## stubblygoodness7 (Aug 30, 2009)

Pulchritudinous said:


> What do you mean? How am i being dishonest?



I didn't say you were being dishonest...I just said you should be honest and SPEAK UP. I can't imagine that you have communicated to them how annoying you find this, or else they would stop asking you to go on diets or trying on clothes that are clearly not your size. If you're tired of them trying to get you to go one diets, say so. If you love your body, then be completely open about it. 

They're friends, not enemies or strangers. They presumably want the best for you, so just telling then what you just told us would go a long way to solving your problem.


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## Your Plump Princess (Aug 31, 2009)

Suze said:


> i have that "problem" too. my closest friends are all skinny and i've never really had friends around my size (or bigger). there IS a lot of stuff they don't get & that's basically the reason why i joined here.
> 
> welcome! :happy:


This.
The words right out of my Mou--. . Er. My Head?


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## Cors (Aug 31, 2009)

Well I remember FCUK carries a size 16, and I find that their clothes tend to run large compared to say, Karen Millen or Jane Norman so you can probably get something there if you reaaally want to. My ex is a goth and we used to shop for her in Camden. I see quite a number of XLs and XXLs there that I am pretty sure can fit a UK 18. I haven't been there since the renovation though.


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## BigBeautifulRed (Aug 31, 2009)

Ok. I have this problem sorta. Well in middle school, I did, now no. 
but I do have friends that are all skinny, but I don't let it affect me as who I believe I am. I've been going to the gym with my boyfriends cousins girlfriend, and honestly when she gets tired and wants to stop, I could go like 30 minutes more. She is prob about 110 pounds and 5'2 and I am 5'6 and 202 pounds. 

So seriously, believe in you, not what your friends think


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## archivaltype (Sep 1, 2009)

AnnMarie said:


> All very common, the difference is in how you handle it and talk to your friends.
> 
> *Saying "that thing won't fit on my arm!" is very different than saying "that's cute as hell, and if we find it in my size I'll wear it in a second". One sounds like "nah, I'm too fat..." and the other sounds like "I'm realistic about my size and appreciate the suggestion - let's make it work". *
> When diets are brought up or I'm likely to be dragged in to the conversation, I state simple things "I'm fine as I am, but good luck!" or something like "Actually I don't diet - I think it's wrong to put good/bad values on food."
> ...



The bold. My friends know how I feel about my body. 
I look at it this way: I don't fuss, they don't fuss. And what's to fuss about, anywho?

All my besties are skinny. I've got no problem shopping with them, especially for clothes. For one, I'd rather go clothes shopping by myself. It's faster that way and I don't have to worry about someone else's schedule. 
For deux, I love helping people, fat or not, pick out clothes. I'm the one that flits back and forth from friend's dressing room to that rack over there that had the really cute shirt on it. It's a win win. :happy:


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## Fish (Sep 3, 2009)

I can say that this isn't a situation exclusive to bbW's, because I've gotten my fair share of it too. 

And I can say that in many instances, it's never something that seems to be done with malicious intent, just ignorance. It seems to me that most smaller folks seem to have no real idea what being bigger at all means. I've got friends that have bought me t-shirts sized at X-Large when I usually wear a 4X or occasionally big 3X. _(Side note: Ever noticed that the 3X at, say, Target or Wal-Mart is considerably smaller than a 3X at a big and tall shop?)_ These same friends will ask if that same size will fit a friend that is clearly and signifigantly larger than me. They just seem to think that that single "X" will fit ANYTHING above a certain size, like magic stretching to fit everyone from me to the largest human on record. It can be tremendously frustrating to try and politely explain why it wont fit and I've frequently had to then deal with the "Oh, well try it on. It looked really big." response.

I've also fount that the average person has no conception of true WEIGHT either. Pop culture shows this fairly well when Homer Simpson gained from his usual 239lbs to a little over 300 and was virtually immobile! Now, since his height is listed at 6 feet, he shouldn't be depicted as NEARLY as fat as he is even normally, but the writers didn't understand true weight relationships and tend to think that anything over 200 pounds is FAT and 300 pounds is inhumanly large.

Another movie called "Boggy Creek 2: The Legend Continues" estimated the weight of BIG FOOT (At a height of almost 8 feet) as nearly 300 pounds! That is one RAIL THIN sassquach. These writers seem to thing that 300 lbs is like the X-Large T-Shirt: The maximum number they're wiling to comprehend and anything BEYOND those ideas is like trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler. It's pretty irritating.


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## LovelyLiz (Sep 4, 2009)

Fish said:


> I've also fount that the average person has no conception of true WEIGHT either. Pop culture shows this fairly well when Homer Simpson gained from his usual 239lbs to a little over 300 and was virtually immobile! Now, since his height is listed at 6 feet, he shouldn't be depicted as NEARLY as fat as he is even normally, but the writers didn't understand true weight relationships and tend to think that anything over 200 pounds is FAT and 300 pounds is inhumanly large.



Oh my gosh -- thank you, thank you Fish for saying this. I completely :wubu: The Simpsons, but that episode IS ridiculous. It has been an ongoing sore spot with a show I otherwise adore...thanks for commiserating.


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## graceofangels (Sep 13, 2009)

My take on this is simple, i don't think your'e friends are trying to convince you you're a smaller size. Many people don't know what each person's size is. To them, you may look like a 14 would fit. Everyone carries their weight different and is proportioned differently. 

I've actually had my friend give me a skirt to borrow...she's a size 10, and said it was too big for her. I swore up and down it wouldn't fit. She said to me that every garment is cut different and you never know. Just try it on. I gave in, was completely prepared to come out of my room looking ridiculous with my stomach falling over the thing. But she was right. The size 10 fit my size 16 body. I didn't even stretch it out. It all depends on how the fabric and the cut. i can send you a pic ot he skirt if you like. i still have it.


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## BBW MeganLynn44DD (Sep 13, 2009)

The cute tops I see in a small size sometimes would not flatter me.2 of my friends that I shop with on occasion don't understand this.I have an apple shape and have a hell of a time with clothes.I usually shop alone these days,it's much,much more easier.I guess I just need to get more fat friends!


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## Ruffie (Sep 14, 2009)

What about friends that were once fat or chubby and then become slender? Anyone had experience with that? I am curious cause it has happened to me a couple of times with varying outcomes and I am curious what others experience has been.


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## crayola box (Sep 14, 2009)

Ruffie said:


> What about friends that were once fat or chubby and then become slender? Anyone had experience with that? I am curious cause it has happened to me a couple of times with varying outcomes and I am curious what others experience has been.



I've only ever had one fat friend, and she lost weight this year. Still the same person, great friend etc. but regarding what you mention above....umm yeah there is definitely something to it, its like all of a sudden she forgot that regular size stores are not fat friendly. For example I was talking about looking for a particular clothing item and she suggested I check out Express. I wasn't too bothered by it, just wrote it off as unhelpful, but, it did strike me as kind of ridiculous that someone who a year ago was this size would suggest I shop at a store where nothing would fit. I think though, that she is just so happy to not be fat, and was so unhappy when she was, that perhaps she has blocked all size related things from her mind...idk. 

As for other thin friends: I actually enjoy shopping by myself - retail therapy and all that, so I only ever shop with one friend who really enjoys shopping so often suggests we go to areas with unique boutiques or far flung outlets and such. The thing is, this girl is a size 0-2, so while I can't imagine that she doesn't know that I am fat I think she just assumes I am a 12/14/16 since any of those are so much larger than her size, plus finding 0's is sometimes difficult as well so it doesn't occur to her that the store carries nothing for me since she is wrapped up in her own dilemma. Lol, unless she just thinks that I just enjoy looking, for stuff for her only, that much. Usually I totally enjoy finding stuff for other people so its totally fine, and occasionally going into stores like BCBG, or Neiman Marcus outlet yields an occasional dress that does fit me so it works out. However, occasionally, I do feel awkward when we are in a store such as Intermix that not only is out of my price range but barely carries anything above an 8. I know nothing there will fit, the sales people know nothing there will fit, my friend...not so much, so I end up standing there awkwardly just kind of waiting around. Usually I do my shopping by myself since I don't enjoy modeling things for other people or trying on things I don't like so I never make an issue of the occasional fish out of water experience at these stores, but I do wonder whether she really is clueless about it, or whether she thinks she is doing me a favor by pretending I am a smaller size. Like perhaps she thinks that since I have never brought up the clothing size issue that I am pretending I am smaller and she is playing along...

Anyway, like I said most of the time this really is not something that bothers me since I genuinely like shopping alone. On the other hand if I know in advance I am not in the mood to traipse about clothing stores I either can't afford or do not fit into I simply preempt the shopping suggestion by suggesting something else. I realize I could simply point out that these stores don't carry my size, and if we are somewhere with a Macy's, Lane Bryant, TJMaxx, Nordstrom etc. then I definitely make sure we get those stores in, but if we are someplace where the entire shopping center (most outlets unfortunately) doesn't carry anything plus size, I don't want to put a damper on the other persons experience, since at that point the only other option is to not go at all. Besides, this allows me to build up my shoe and accessory collection, and when that fails, well my bank account gives a silent prayer of thanks for narrow minded designers everywhere! 

I do get though that for younger women or those in whose circles shopping is a frequent group activity this could be a frustrating situation since in high school and even part of college shopping together is such a cultural norm as far as female bonding is concerned.

ETA: I just read graceofangels post and it made me laugh because I have been offered smaller clothes as well only with not as successful results. A bunch of us spent the weekend at a resort and were getting ready to go to a club, The top I had on was black but was pretty gauzy and transparent so it was meant to be paired with a cami underneath which I had forgotten. A friend who wears a size small (I wear an 18/20) offered me hers...instead of viewing this as insensitive I took it as a kind gesture from a friend trying to help just like she would anyone else but the thought of what would have happened had I tried it on always makes me laugh!


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## superherogirl09 (Sep 23, 2009)

Pulchritudinous said:


> Im happy the way I am, a bunch of my skinny friends are only skinny because they dont eat properly anyway. Not that Im little miss health food but Im fat and I love my body, it sometimes strikes me that they will never be skinny enough to make themselves happy.
> 
> Im a bit tired of my friends trying to get me to join them on their harebrained diet plans too! Its not just that the idea of eating every meal for the foreseeable future in bar form fills me with dread, I dont want to change, Im happy being plump. I dont think my skinny mates get it.I dont base my self value on my physical appearance, but I do love my physical appearance!



Fellow newbie/ex-lurker here! 

Same here. Most of my friends (almost all of average weight or below) seem to be dieting constantly, and I have trouble relating to it as well. I tend to avoid the subject with them, as I can only imagine what they must think about me (I'm 5'4" and about 195 lbs, and usually wear a U.S. size 14-16...I know I shouldn't care what they think, but it's still an awkward conversation topic  )

I can understand wanting to get proper nutrition and physical activity - I bike and play soccer on a regular basis, am trying to learn to cook decent vegetarian/vegan food, etc. But it just seems silly (to me, anyway) to put so much time and effort into trying to look a certain way when 1) said time and effort could be much better spent (e.g., spending time with friends and family, learning, creating, etc.) and 2) the ideal "look" they're trying to achieve is not representative of what's realistic for most people anyway, and therefore it tends to lead to disappointment. I've seen several of my friends have their lives basically ruined by anorexia/bulimia, and it's depressing as well as frustrating to watch.

I personally think (to phrase it in a rather cliched manner) that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and genders. Sadly, I seem to have found few people in real life who share this opinion ..therefore I'm glad sites like this exist.


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## Tad (Sep 23, 2009)

Welcome superherogirl! Glad you are now an ex-lurker 

And it sounds like you have your head very squarely on your shoulders, with a nicely balanced view point. I'm thinking if you give it time you'll be hearing your friends admit that they always admired how you seemed to know who you were and what you wanted for yourself, and that you were not always trying to fit some impossible ideal.

On the general topic of this thread....it is maybe not as big a deal for guys, but I admit I get tired of hearing thinner friends talk about their dietary regimes and their training plans for the half-marathon they are going to be running, or whatever. I mean, it is fine that people keep you up to date about what is going on in their lives, but it is really its own form of nerdery, just like going into a deep conversation about cars, scrap booking, or World of Warcraft. Why do that in a group where not everyone is into your thing?

Also I know this was one thing my wife wrestled with as she was gaining weight into small BBW size. She began to find she had even less in common with random classmates, etc, making it harder to form friendships. I was inexperienced, naive, and dorky enough to therefore suggest we deliberately go out and try to meet more fat people so that we'd have fat friends who were more comfortable to be around. That didn't go over well :doh: A lot of years have gone by since then, but I still wish I could go back and elbow myself in the ribs and hence distract myself from making that particular suggestion.


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## cheekyjez (Sep 24, 2009)

Something I'd suggest is that you talk to them outside the shopping trip - so it's a more general "you underestimate my size when we shop" rather than "THIS dress will never fit me".


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## bmann0413 (Sep 24, 2009)

Well, since I only have a few friends in my area and most of them are guys, I tend not to think of this stuff too much. But my sister goes through a lot of problems like this when she's shopping for clothes (and I'm being dragged along).


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## The Surfing Monkey (Sep 30, 2009)

I've been blessed with friends who are both inciteful, thoughtful, and genuinely don't think about my weight, they just love me for me. I have had a few friends though who just didn't understand why i wouldn't engage in this activity, or go shopping at this store, or didnt feel comfortable in certain situations. for the longest time, it was hard for me to talk about it, but one day i realized, just be honest with them, so i was. I let my thin friends know when my weight may play a role in an activity and so on. for the most part, it hasnt been a factor, and they are all cool. I have had one friend however, who for whatever reason, decided to tell me that the reason i am fat is because i am lazy, and that if i really wanted to be thin, i could be. Keep in mind he has a huge beer gut. needless to say, i do not count him as a friend anymore. but aside from that 1 experience my thin friends are cool, some of them, knowing how expensive big n tall clothes are, even keep on the look out for me. I will get a call saying, "they got shoes in your size, heres a photo, want us to get them?" and stuff like that. i think its great, cuz im not a fashion guru, nor do i like to shop.


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## buttbooger (Oct 3, 2009)

Im fortunite enough to have a few thin friends who dont try suggesting this and that for me at regular stores at the mall or whatever.Im also fortunite enough to have two partners in my life that love me the way I am. However, I do have a thin mother and a thin half-sister who constantly tell me I need to stop eating and diet, and they do that stuff when we go out to a store too(ill-fitted suggestions). My sister even went as far as to tell me Im lazy.(I do excersize and walk everywhere I go too, and I eat about 2-3 meals a day if Im lucky) I am not real big, but I am alittle on the obese side. I have tried discussing this stuff with them,(told them Im fine the way i am) my mother has backed off a little, but my sis is relentless. Needless to say, I only talk to my sister when I have to. 
Anyone on here who got family that nag them to death about stuff like this? How do you deal with it? How do you stop everyfamily gathering from turning into a discussion about this kind of stuff? Just curious.
BTW, glad a site like this exists. thanx! Im new here, but this kinda feels like a family already.


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## cheekyjez (Oct 8, 2009)

I deal with it by having a 14 hour flight between me and my mom. What she can't see doesn't offend her.


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## BBW4Chattery (Oct 9, 2009)

Ruffie said:


> What about friends that were once fat or chubby and then become slender? Anyone had experience with that? I am curious cause it has happened to me a couple of times with varying outcomes and I am curious what others experience has been.



I had one great (former best) friend who had gastric bypass. We lost weight at the same time, me on WW, her on the bypass. I found myself constantly frustrated with her because we'd be out and she'd order all this food that she couldn't even physically eat. I was confused and worried and it turned into big time anger and me lashing out at her during one of her visits. The food and weight loss issue was our ONLY issue.

I gained the weight back, she got addicted to pills and gained about 1/4 of her weight back but she's a totally different person now. I don't blame the weight loss or the surgery, the issues that led her down this path were there before... but I have zero doubt, the weight loss was a trigger for her life completely falling to pieces. She couldn't handle the changes. We aren't very close now.

Another friend, my old roommate, actually, had just lost 90 lbs before we met. She was obsessive over food and would lecture us all while stealing our stuff and binging at night. I was losing then, too, and she regularly told our other roommate how it wasn't fair that I could lose "without trying." Of course, I was trying my little butt off... I just was healthy about it and not completely flaking out like she did all the time. Our other roommate was tiny, a natural size 0 (she now runs her own fitness company, to tell you the kind of chick she was/is) and one day, they got into a fight, over food, and the bigger roommate went and labeled EVERYTHING in the kitchen that she felt belonged to her so we wouldn't "get it confused." Ha. Another food-related meltdown.

As I was losing, I had one bigger friend who I made feel uncomfortable. Not intentionally, of course, I was just doing my thing. She would ask me to join Weight Watchers, I'd give her $50 worth of materials, and she'd keep them, forget it about it, then repeat when she noticed I'd lost more weight. I think she felt like she had to pretend to want to lose weight while she was around me. She told one of her friends that she was worried that I wouldn't want to hang out anymore. I didn't feel that way but looking back, I was so involved in the changes I was experiencing that I didn't do a very good job of letting her know nothing had changed between us as friends.

As for skinny friends, I've only had 3 friends larger than myself in my entire life. I've lived in a town that is literally written about for its image of "beauty" in the residents/visitors. Talk about a poor choice of residence!! I was once counting people on a crowded beach, while I was a size 12, and I counted to 400 without ever seeing another person my size. It's hard. They really don't get it...especially the dating/intimacy thing. I've never had any pressure me to go on diets though... that would suck. I had one tiny friend (another tiny 0-2, college soccer player gal) who was friends with myself and the gastric girl above... and even though gastric girl and I were the same size, she treated us very differently. She openly mocked gastric girl about her size regularly. It was super hurtful and no one really knew why she did it. She never once made any comments to me though, perhaps behind my back, but not to my face... only to gastric girl. So, I think that sometimes, conflicting personalities have more to do with those issues than size. If someone doesn't like you, there going to find something to harp on whether it's your size or the way you part your hair.


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