# "Closeted" BBWs?



## Tooz (Apr 22, 2007)

Okay, with all the "Closet FA" and "When did you become an FA?" threads I see around here, I've started thinking. A lot of the fat women here say you can't hide being a BBW, so it's not fair. Even I've said this, actually. But, now that I think of it, you kind of can.

I feel like there are two major types of fat women. The first is women who are fat. Okay, that sounds redundant, but what I mean is women who are fat, and not okay with it-- women who eat lettuce on a light dressing-dipped fork and nothing else, women who hide themselves away on some emotional or physical level because they are fat. Maybe like they just accept the role society is handing them. Does this make sense? I'm having a horrible time putting what I mean into words. I guess you either know what I mean or you don't. Anyway...

The second type is the "BBW" type in mentality, I guess. These are the women who are okay with themselves, maybe proud or happy or what have you, and basically are just living life. You know, this makes sense in my head, but as it's coming out, I'm scared this won't make sense. Basically, someone who says, "I am who I am, I am okay with being fat and it's OKAY that I'm okay with being fat."

Now, this isn't to say that if you are fat and want to lose weight that you fall into the first category. I guess those are just kind of examples up there, not exactly what I mean.

ANYWAY.

My point is that there are times where I feel like I am a "closeted BBW." With my ex (a non-FA), I remember trying to ask him if I had changed his opinion on fat chicks. I remember trying to tell him that I felt okay with being fat, and that I actually preferred it to being thin. It was tremendously hard for me. I could never actually say it outright to him, and we were together for two years. I have always mostly felt okay with myself, but there was a big problem in letting others know-- like closeted FAs are scared of being judged for liking fat women, I was (and am, at times) scared of being judged for being okay with being fat. People react strangely to that, almost like you're breaking some law by not being on a constant diet if you're fat.

Yesterday, I went to a show put on by a student group at my uni, and there was one number about fast food. It was a semi-"romantic"-style song, but at the end, the man was saying, "oh, you've gotten so fat, you must lose weight." The girl was still singing about food. The audience was laughing quite hard-- it was supposed to be funny. It WAS amusing in some way, but the underlying tone made me think of this subject.

So, the point of this thread is for fat women to discuss the sort of BBW Closet thing. It's easy to be "open" about being (or enjoying being, or even becoming) a fat woman here at Dimensions, but how is it in the real world for you? Honestly, if weight ever truly came up on conversation with the people I know, it might be a stressful situation for me.

Personally, I'm somewhere between having "closeted" and "open" emotions.

I hope this is the correct place to post this, and I hope some other women respond or even know what I mean about this. If not, I'll feel silly.


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## GPL (Apr 22, 2007)

Hey, you are not silly!
I completely understand what you are saying, my dear.
Hope you get some good answers...

Tight hugs,
GPL.


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## Brenda (Apr 22, 2007)

I think you raise some very interesting points. In many ways a lot of fat women (myself included) hide in the pictures they post that they are indeed fat. Or that they are only fat in more desirable areas i.e. they show a thin face, but display large breasts and ass. I wonder if we would recognize each other on the street. A large reason why I now very rarely post pictures of myself is I recognize I am not being totally honest when I select pictures that I like because I appear thinner.


For years I was pretty much okay with my body and would share that with most people if the subject arose. I am no longer okay with my size for a variety of reasons and am actively changing it. 

My niece recently gained a lot of weight and her clothes are very tight on her. I told my sister that she needed to buy her clothes that fit her now and that waiting for her to lose weight is not the way to go. She responded along the lines of oh so now you are all size acceptance again. Ouch. I was always for accepting others bodies mine just needed changing for health reasons.


I better stop rambling.

Brenda


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## Tooz (Apr 22, 2007)

Brenda said:


> I think you raise some very interesting points. In many ways a lot of fat women (myself included) hide in the pictures they post that they are indeed fat. Or that they are only fat in more desirable areas i.e. they show a thin face, but display large breasts and ass. I wonder if we would recognize each other on the street. A large reason why I now very rarely post pictures of myself is I recognize I am not being totally honest when I select pictures that I like because I appear thinner.



Well, when I first came to Dimensions, I wouldn't even give any information that would reveal who I was, let alone post a picture. I was terrified that someone I knew "IRL" might find me here and be disgusted or something. Now, just recently, I posted some pictures here (recent pictures thread) that someone else took of me during a skit I was doing. It was a huge step for me. Even then, I wouldn't post them on, say, Myspace. I am definitely more open here. Day to day, though, it's just kind of a different story for me still.


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## MissToodles (Apr 22, 2007)

Do you mean, for example, people who constantly chatter on about diets? Do you feel bad about not standing up to such prattle? I suppose that would make me not out and about. In work/school siutations in the past, I would keep my mouth shut. But in other ways, I wouldn't hide either. I ate what I want without constantly going on about it being 'sinful' or being 'bad', not afraid to eat in public. I wish to be smaller, but when I've spoken about weight loss goals to others, they don't understand the wish to be at a still considerably hefty size. I guess in some ways, people don't understand it takes a lot confidence and negotations within your own psyche to get to such a point.


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## GPL (Apr 22, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Well, when I first came to Dimensions, I wouldn't even give any information that would reveal who I was, let alone post a picture. I was terrified that someone I knew "IRL" might find me here and be disgusted or something. Now, just recently, I posted some pictures here (recent pictures thread) that someone else took of me during a skit I was doing. It was a huge step for me. Even then, I wouldn't post them on, say, Myspace. I am definitely more open here. Day to day, though, it's just kind of a different story for me still.



I'm glad you joined, Tooz!
And I think you don't have to be uncomfortable posting pictures.
You don't deserve guys like your ex!!
I think you are very cute:wubu: 

Tight hugs,
GPL.


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## AnnMarie (Apr 22, 2007)

Being fat, and being totally fine with it, is part of who I am to anyone who knows me for any length of time. If someone mentions diets around me, I easily state that I don't do that.... etc. I don't advocate becoming fat (nor do I say you shouldn't), I speak only for me. In terms of ME... I'm happy, and everyone who's spent time with me in a work place or social setting where the conversation became appropriate was clear on where I stand.  

It's not easy to get to that place, I spent a lot of time being "secretly" ok with me, and just not commenting when weight/diets came up. However, since becoming totally comfortable, it's not a struggle any more. I don't have to muster up the guts to lay out a quick anti-diet quip, or an "I like me" line. 

It's second nature to the point where I feel like if I DON'T say something, I'm being untrue to myself. 

You'll get there, Tooz!!! 

Great thread, I think it's a good topic.


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## Mini (Apr 22, 2007)

I think you raise a very interesting point, Tooz, and one which I've never really considered. I always kinda figured it was an all-or-nothing thing. Heh.


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## Waxwing (Apr 22, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> It's not easy to get to that place, I spent a lot of time being "secretly" ok with me, and just not commenting when weight/diets came up. However, since becoming totally comfortable, it's not a struggle any more. I don't have to muster up the guts to lay out a quick anti-diet quip, or an "I like me" line.
> 
> It's second nature to the point where I feel like if I DON'T say something, I'm being untrue to myself.
> 
> ...


 
This is a wonderful thread. 

I wonder if that being secretly okay can sort of work in reverse-- that is, maybe for the people who are okay with themselves *only* on Dims, and secretly don't feel so great about their bodies IRL, being here and almost forcing a guise of self-acceptance can eventually make that self-acceptance a reality in every-day life. 

In other words, If I tell myself that I'm ok a thousand times, maybe I'll *feel* it the thousand and first time.


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## Butterbelly (Apr 22, 2007)

You could say I was a "closet" bbw for a long time. While it was hard to hide my size, I outwardly acted like I didn't mind being fat. Those who knew me very well, knew that I struggled with my weight and severe depression because of it. Within the last 3 years, I've truly found acceptance in my size. I never look at myself in the mirror and think hateful or negative thoughts about myself anymore. Each day, I see an attractive woman. However, since I've accepted my size, I don't see myself as fat anymore...UNTIL I see a picture of me. That's when my little "reality" comes back and tells me that I'm fat...otherwise, I don't see it.


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## Tooz (Apr 22, 2007)

Butterbelly said:


> UNTIL I see a picture of me. That's when my little "reality" comes back and tells me that I'm fat...otherwise, I don't see it.



Oh man, I know how you feel. It's so easy to misjudge your size...and then, you see a picture. The ones I posted, when I first saw them, I wouldn't say it shattered anything, but I still just took a step back and said, "damn." I wasn't as upset about it as I thought I'd be, but I still was bigger than I'd realised.


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## Butterbelly (Apr 22, 2007)

Tooz said:


> Oh man, I know how you feel. It's so easy to misjudge your size...and then, you see a picture. The ones I posted, when I first saw them, I wouldn't say it shattered anything, but I still just took a step back and said, "damn." I wasn't as upset about it as I thought I'd be, but I still was bigger than I'd realised.



I'm rarely upset about pictures of myself, but they do make me think "whoa," sometimes.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 22, 2007)

I'm okay with myself but I'm not really an 'UP' kind of person most days. I just want to be left alone. For example, where it really gets me is around food. I bring my lunch to work or I buy my lunch and I am really weird about people seeing what I'm eating - big meal, small meal it doesn't matter. And people DO try to get a glimpse of what's on my plate! It shocks me that so many people are so danged interested. I go out of my way to hide it in a bag or under a plate most times because I prefer to just 'BE.' I don't want to be a bbw, I don't want to be thin, I don't want to be the token black chick - I just want to be left alone and I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time. The whole business is just burdensome most times. It's not quite being the BBW, it's not quite being in the closet. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just being a hostile witness.


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## elle camino (Apr 22, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time.



bingo.

sometimes i really WANT to leave my house in my scrubby clothes and pad to the store in my flip flops for some soy milk, and i hate the fact that if i were to ever actually do that, i'd feel like i was singlehandedly reinforcing all the icky stereotypes fat women are saddled with (lazy slobs, ketchup stained sweatsuits, no pride in their appearance, blah blah blah etc.). like every person i see on the street is going to look at me and think to themselves "yep. see?'


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## Jon Blaze (Apr 22, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> I'm okay with myself but I'm not really an 'UP' kind of person most days. I just want to be left alone. For example, where it really gets me is around food. I bring my lunch to work or I buy my lunch and I am really weird about people seeing what I'm eating - big meal, small meal it doesn't matter. And people DO try to get a glimpse of what's on my plate! It shocks me that so many people are so danged interested. I go out of my way to hide it in a bag or under a plate most times because I prefer to just 'BE.' I don't want to be a bbw, I don't want to be thin, I don't want to be the token black chick - I just want to be left alone and I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time. The whole business is just burdensome most times. It's not quite being the BBW, it's not quite being in the closet. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just being a hostile witness.



Wise words.

Rep sense is tingling...I can't rep. Damnit Spiderman!!


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## AnnMarie (Apr 22, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> This is a wonderful thread.
> 
> I wonder if that being secretly okay can sort of work in reverse-- that is, maybe for the people who are okay with themselves *only* on Dims, and secretly don't feel so great about their bodies IRL, being here and almost forcing a guise of self-acceptance can eventually make that self-acceptance a reality in every-day life.
> 
> In other words, If I tell myself that I'm ok a thousand times, maybe I'll *feel* it the thousand and first time.



Yes, that's part of what we like to call "fake it 'til you make it" and it often starts with an online community like this, or going to a NAAFA convention or a bash. You're fine there, and eventually you start realizing if you're fine there, then why can't you, and why SHOULDN'T you, be fine the rest of the time? You get to the point where you refuse to feel shitty about yourself just because that's the roll assigned to you by the rest of the world. 

You're right on, that's how it works!


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 22, 2007)

elle camino said:


> bingo.
> 
> sometimes i really WANT to leave my house in my scrubby clothes and pad to the store in my flip flops for some soy milk, and i hate the fact that if i were to ever actually do that, i'd feel like i was singlehandedly reinforcing all the icky stereotypes fat women are saddled with (lazy slobs, ketchup stained sweatsuits, no pride in their appearance, blah blah blah etc.). like every person i see on the street is going to look at me and think to themselves "yep. see?'



My brain is useless today so deep thinking is way out my reach, but I'm wondering if sometimes without meaning to we make things more of an issue because we keep making things more of an issue. We should demand common dignity, not soft shoe around trying to prove to the world that we're worthy of it.

*sigh* I'm having a moment. *shakes fist in the air*


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## AnnMarie (Apr 22, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> My brain is useless today so deep thinking is way out my reach, but I'm wondering if sometimes without meaning to we make things more of an issue because we keep making things more of an issue. We should demand common dignity, not soft shoe around trying to prove to the world that we're worthy of it.
> 
> *sigh* I'm having a moment. *shakes fist in the air*



No, I think you're right to some extent. I don't carry or talk a party line out of a sense of obligation, but because it's part of my true voice. There are days when I want to be hidden, background, leave me be... fuck off and die. Those days aren't going to be part of environmental advocacy, pro-fat fooferah, have your pets spayed and neutered messages, etc. 

The fun, social, good times, the times when it makes sense are the times I'll be free with my feelings WHEN THEY COME UP IN NORMAL CONVERSATION. Not on a job interview "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm pro-fat." 

So I think you're right... I think it's not about proving worth or shouting from the rooftops. I think it's about a presence that just IS, and people take your confidence, contentment, whatever from that. 

Also, I go scrubbed out to the grocery store without a second thought, and when I do, I still don't hang my head like a loser because of my clothing on that day... I am just having a scrubbed out day, but hey, we all have those. I'm just as entitled, it's definitely not about putting on a show... it's about always being true to who you are - that's all.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 22, 2007)

I easily understood you Tooz and have to say that I was/still am the first kind but have been working REALLY HARD on being the second kind- I think I have made great progress 

I also understood what Brenda was saying, too - it's sometimes HARD AS HELL for me to post pics of my stomach- especially that one where I'm in a black slip and a guy from chat morphed it and posted it (with my permission). For the most part, I said it was okay for him to do it because I felt it was a type of "therapy" for me to put it out there. Pulling it out of me and laying it open to the world doesn't allow me to hide anymore behind my mind, now does it?


Coming here and seeing so many confident BBW's has really helped me too- as well as discussing all my insecurites with the other people here and realizing I'm not alone


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## JoyJoy (Apr 22, 2007)

Excellent, excellent thread, Tooz. I'm not in a place to respond right now, but I wanted to let you know that I completely understand what you're saying, and hope to give my input eventually.


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## bigsexy920 (Apr 22, 2007)

Something that I do is I find strange, to those "outside" this community I say I don't diet and I'm not interested in dieting I'm perfectly happy with how I look and who I am. However I HAVE discussed with friends here at Dimensions that I do need to eating more heatlhy (not some much dieting) and mantain a more active lifestyle. 

I think It may be because people here don't judge my size like other people in my life and opening a conversation about dieting to "dieters" just is not a conversation I want to have. 

I like what AnnMarie said that it took a long time to get where she is now and I think I'm still not there but thanks to women like her I have someone to look up to in a way. Finding that total comfort with my size. 


Great Thread Tooz


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## AnnMarie (Apr 22, 2007)

bigsexy920 said:


> Something that I do is I find strange, to those "outside" this community I say I don't diet and I'm not interested in dieting I'm perfectly happy with how I look and who I am. However I HAVE discussed with friends here at Dimensions that I do need to eating more heatlhy (not some much dieting) and mantain a more active lifestyle.
> 
> I think It may be because people here don't judge my size like other people in my life and opening a conversation about dieting to "dieters" just is not a conversation I want to have.
> 
> ...



Berna, I hear you on that. I think most people here understand that eating healthier is not usually a means to another end... like being thin, and it's very hard for "outsiders" to understand the difference. It's a damn big difference to want to feed your body better, but not having that automatically equal body dissatisfaction. 

I know for me, that's why I'd always be more comfortable talking about it here than I would in front of "dieters"... they wouldn't hear what I'm really saying.  

And thanks.  You're an amazing woman, inside and out - you'll definitely find the comfort.


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## Santaclear (Apr 22, 2007)

Good points, Tooz and everyone. I relate to a lot of this regarding many of my own internal battles even though I'm not fat. In a sense almost everyone with some outsiderness has to wrestle with issues like these.


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## PhillyFA (Apr 22, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I speak only for me. In terms of ME... I'm happy QUOTE]
> 
> And FOXY!!!


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## swordchick (Apr 22, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> I'm okay with myself but I'm not really an 'UP' kind of person most days. I just want to be left alone. For example, where it really gets me is around food. I bring my lunch to work or I buy my lunch and I am really weird about people seeing what I'm eating - big meal, small meal it doesn't matter. And people DO try to get a glimpse of what's on my plate! It shocks me that so many people are so danged interested. I go out of my way to hide it in a bag or under a plate most times because I prefer to just 'BE.' I don't want to be a bbw, I don't want to be thin, I don't want to be the token black chick - I just want to be left alone and I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time. The whole business is just burdensome most times. It's not quite being the BBW, it's not quite being in the closet. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just being a hostile witness.


 
I understand your feelings. This is one of the reasons why I avoid restaurants, especially buffets. I try to eat my meals alone or with people who will not stare at my plate. Geez, fat people gotta eat, too.


I never been in the closet about my size. It is what it is. I'm tall and fat. So I've gotten used to the constant stares. 


I just try to keep my mind in the right place: sanity.


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## Krissy12 (Apr 23, 2007)

I go back and forth on the whole thing. It's shit, basically. I have pictures I've never shown a soul because I think I look "too fat". Then at the same time, I'm not ashamed to eat dessert around skinnier folk. I'm a walking contradiction. 
It really doesn't matter to me if there are 100 people around me telling me I look good or there are the same amount telling me I'm a disgusting waste of life. It's truly up to me to take hold of my feelings about it all. 
I guess time will tell whether or not I accept the fat or do something about it.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Apr 23, 2007)

Krissy12 said:


> I go back and forth on the whole thing. It's shit, basically. I have pictures I've never shown a soul because I think I look "too fat". Then at the same time, I'm not ashamed to eat dessert around skinnier folk. I'm a walking contradiction.
> It really doesn't matter to me if there are 100 people around me telling me I look good or there are the same amount telling me I'm a disgusting waste of life. It's truly up to me to take hold of my feelings about it all.
> I guess time will tell whether or not I accept the fat or do something about it.




I'm glad it let me rep you again


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## Krissy12 (Apr 23, 2007)

Thanks, GEF, you're always there with a nice comment or rep


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## ZainTheInsane (Apr 24, 2007)

I guess it has to do with your life...I found coming out to be easy...it is best if you have some friends you trust and care for around you when it happens ...always awesome people. Other than that, it is basically about not letting things offend you, and whenever someone you know takes things to far, tell them. 

But to some extent you have to be willing to joke about things. I mean, people joke about race, class, religion, creed, code, etc...if you can't joke around about your preferences with yourself, then you need to relax a bit. And you have to realize, if the people around you truly care for you, even with the occasional jab, they'll always stick by you, and accept, and perhaps even welcome, your decisions. Because you're their friend. 

That's what made coming out of the closet easier for me. Still took me 5-6 years...but it is something you have to be ready to do for yourself.


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## Waxwing (Apr 24, 2007)

ZainTheInsane said:


> I guess it has to do with your life...I found coming out to be easy...it is best if you have some friends you trust and care for around you when it happens ...always awesome people. Other than that, it is basically about not letting things offend you, and whenever someone you know takes things to far, tell them.
> 
> But to some extent you have to be willing to joke about things. I mean, people joke about race, class, religion, creed, code, etc...if you can't joke around about your preferences with yourself, then you need to relax a bit. And you have to realize, if the people around you truly care for you, even with the occasional jab, they'll always stick by you, and accept, and perhaps even welcome, your decisions. Because you're their friend.
> 
> That's what made coming out of the closet easier for me. Still took me 5-6 years...but it is something you have to be ready to do for yourself.




I think you're right about joking being important. It seems to always make people a little more accepting of you when you have a sense of humor about yourself. Man, that can be hard, though, especially when the subject is something that has caused you pain. 

But maybe pretending that it isn't such a big deal is a good idea.


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## ZainTheInsane (Apr 24, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> I think you're right about joking being important. It seems to always make people a little more accepting of you when you have a sense of humor about yourself. Man, that can be hard, though, especially when the subject is something that has caused you pain.
> 
> But maybe pretending that it isn't such a big deal is a good idea.



I guess I just don't see any reason to (pretending that is)...but then again it has never caused me a huge amount of pain because of the embarrassment it caused during my early explorations into it. My parents discovered my liking early on, and when I spoke about it, they were already well aware. So, I suppose I was lucky in that respect. 

But I think you do have to relax...much like me making a rehash posting to mock myself is really all about the idea that yeah, I make stupid mistakes, and yeah, I'd do it again, but I can learn from it, and I don't have to be offended by what other people think. Why waste my time? It is more productive just to laugh, and realize those who respond harshly are just frustrated people to being with.

So, yeah...having a sense of humor about any part of your life is always important. Because when you screw up...who else are you going to blame?


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## Wagimawr (Apr 24, 2007)

ZainTheInsane said:


> me making a rehash posting to mock myself


Maybe you should mention that in the HP thread? You're certainly not alone in the mocking.


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## ZainTheInsane (Apr 24, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> Maybe you should mention that in the HP thread? You're certainly not alone in the mocking.



I would, but I wouldn't want to ruin their fun.

And I still stick by my statement that humor and good friends makes anything easier to deal with.


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## Wagimawr (Apr 24, 2007)

ZainTheInsane said:


> I would, but I wouldn't want to ruin their fun.


At least half the posters in that thread are doing their best to ruin yours.


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## ZainTheInsane (Apr 24, 2007)

Wagimawr said:


> At least half the posters in that thread are doing their best to ruin yours.



Yeah, but that's no biggie to me. And I'd be fine with discussing why it is still fun for me anyway...but I don't want to get Tooz thread off topic, since it is a good thread, and unlike my own in Hyde Park, it serves a purpose beyond just letting people piss all over someone because they are either uncaring or lacking in intelligence enough to do so without realizing that they're just entertainment.


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## Famouslastwords (Apr 24, 2007)

Thanks for this post Tooz. The reason why I'm a SIF (Secret Internet Fatties) princess is because I usually don't announce to people I meet on the net that I'm fat, or even might use older pictures of me (from when I was skinny) when I chat with someone.

So I guess I am a closeted BBW in a way. It's only been recently that I posted pictures outside of the clubhouse. I think I'm well on the way toward accepting who I am at any size thanks to dimensions, but I'd still like to lose *some* weight (for myself not for society).


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## Famouslastwords (Apr 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> bingo.
> 
> sometimes i really WANT to leave my house in my scrubby clothes and pad to the store in my flip flops for some soy milk, and i hate the fact that if i were to ever actually do that, i'd feel like i was singlehandedly reinforcing all the icky stereotypes fat women are saddled with (lazy slobs, ketchup stained sweatsuits, no pride in their appearance, blah blah blah etc.). like every person i see on the street is going to look at me and think to themselves "yep. see?'



I feel the exact same way.


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## Jack Skellington (Apr 24, 2007)

ZainTheInsane said:


> people piss all over someone because they are either uncaring or lacking in intelligence enough to do so without realizing that they're just entertainment.



Precious and considerate, sigh, you are so dreamy.


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## Brenda (Apr 24, 2007)

I thought about this topic more and wanted to add my thoughts.

While I have strong self confidence and feel no need to explain my fatness to anyone, I no longer feel quite so fat gung ho. When I was younger (and healthier) I had no problem sharing my no diet policy and that I felt just fine as a fatty. Around 30 everything started going downhill and pretty quickly it was evident I was far from fat and fit. The message I am fine as I am did not carry as much weight when I could no longer carry my weight.

So now while I accept myself as I am in this moment, I strive for a healthier tomorrow which means for me weighing less. It may seem like a mixed message and perhaps it is, but I am finding a way to navigate being a large woman and being a healthy one.

Brenda


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## Deemondess (Apr 24, 2007)

hya 

I never diet at all and have seen my sisters diet off and on over the years and they ended up putting more and more weight on 

I love sites like this where being fat is accepted , Ive alway been reluctant to show my belly to anyone but Ive always said my belly is big you know lol, its as though I am trying to assess them as to wether they accept my size ,

I eat what I want when I want be it dining out or at home 

I am who I am 

Dee


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## Lapwing (Apr 26, 2007)

Another closeted fat person here. I want to accept myself, but I have such a hard time actually letting on to the world that I AM fat. I act thin, like I don't care. But all the time I am embarassed by things like the fact I have self-esteem books like "Fat?So!" or "The Fat Girls Guide to Life" or any number of other such books around the house. It's like I would hate anyone to see them in my bookshelves, and I have been known to turn their spines the other way round so people can't see them. What the h*ll is that about?

I also can't "come out" to my husband and tell him that I come on Dimensions and other SA sites. I can't tell him that I enjoy the fact that he likes me the size I am. I feel like in my head I am accepting, but in my actions I am pathetic.



> It's shit, basically. I have pictures I've never shown a soul because I think I look "too fat". Then at the same time, I'm not ashamed to eat dessert around skinnier folk. I'm a walking contradiction.



I totally get where you are coming from there Krissy. I do exactly the same, I'm happy to have a three course meal in front of any number of people, but I hate showing photos of me that make me look fat(ter). But FFS, everyone sees me as I am, so they will have seen me looking like I do in the photos. Again, what is that all about?

I detest the media hatred and stereotyping of fat people as lazy and stupid. I feel like I have something to prove to show that I am not like that. I got a postgraduate degree and one of the major things that pushed me through six years of doctoral study is "now no-one can say I'm lazy and stupid even though I am fat as I have a piece of paper to prove I am not". Not a good motivation, but it was there all the same.

This is a great thread, and has made me think a lot about why I am like I am. I wish I could rid myself of the contradiction and be happy outwardly with who I am.


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## liz (di-va) (Apr 26, 2007)

I'm posting in this thread briefly and haphzardly just to make sure I put my paw in the air and vote and that yes, I think it's entirely possible to be a closeted BBW. I've thought so for a long time. I even think it's possible to walk down the street and be one. No, you can't hide, but...yes, you can.


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## magnoliagrows (Apr 27, 2007)

I teach sixth grade. This is a time when kids, especially girls, really start growing up. The other day the kids were talking about the upcoming end of the year dance. I asked them about a theme and they said they didn't have one. I suggested a Hawaiian Luau and joked that they could wear their swimsuits. The stick thin girl sitting in front of me said that she was too fat. My jaw dropped and I just looked at her. I told her that if she were any skinnier they would think she came from a concentration camp. Then I said if she wore her suit I would wear mine and she couldn't be fatter than me. The rest of the class roared and many of the students admonished me as though I had put myself down. I grinned at them, shrugged and said "I ain't afraid." The laughter died. I saw their confusion and so I just introduced the next lesson.

Aside from the concentration camp comment being probably very inappropriate (I sometimes say the first thing that comes to my mind which isn't always the best :doh, the thought that ran through my mind was these girls need to hear someone be confident about being bigger even if I don't feel it 100% of the time. Someone here already talked about the fake till you make it idea. I think this is true and useful. I also think that sometimes we have to do that for others too.

I've had the awkward moments of talking about shopping with my girlfriends and they're talking about a store I where I can't shop. I just say things like, "you know Old Navy goes up to size 20?" or "Lane Bryant's clothes really suck this season. I don't want to wear black or brown all the time. I don't want to hide." It sounds to them like I'm confident but inside I'm stamping down the embarrassment - working at refusing to let myself feel it.

Dim offers a great place to practice being confident so that I can be a better faker in the real world. Everyday I fake it a little less.


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## Violet_Beauregard (Apr 27, 2007)

I've been posting here on Dims since December and I have met and interacted with some fantastic people. As you can see from my signature that I have a Yahoo group that has tasteful photos of myself posted. That group was originally started by a wonderful FA guy I occasionally date, but in the last few months, it's been mainly me putting the pics up. I've gotten a lot of comments posted on the site, which are great. I've also gotten a lot of PMs here about the site too. I've had a few extremely nice guys that I've gotten to know, who are so wonderful in their comments and flattery. I can honestly say that the past couple of months have been the best I've felt about myself in my entire life. The attention has added to my acceptance of myself and my body, immeasureably. I think I was a Closeted BBW, who is slowly coming out... and glad to be doing so! 

Vi


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## waldo (Apr 27, 2007)

Lapwing said:


> ............I also can't "come out" to my husband and tell him that I come on Dimensions and other SA sites. I can't tell him that I enjoy the fact that he likes me the size I am. I feel like in my head I am accepting, but in my actions I am pathetic................



This is very confusing to me. If you are accepting of yourself being fat and you suspect (or know) your husband prefers a fat woman, what is the problem?? If you enjoy that he likes your body but can't tell him I feel like this is really unfortunate. Seems to me he would be really happy to know how you feel.


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## imfree (Apr 27, 2007)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> I've been posting here on Dims since December and I have met and interacted with some fantastic people. As you can see from my signature that I have a Yahoo group that has tasteful photos of myself posted. That group was originally started by a wonderful FA guy I occasionally date, but in the last few months, it's been mainly me putting the pics up. I've gotten a lot of comments posted on the site, which are great. I've also gotten a lot of PMs here about the site too. I've had a few extremely nice guys that I've gotten to know, who are so wonderful in their comments and flattery. I can honestly say that the past couple of months have been the best I've felt about myself in my entire life. The attention has added to my acceptance of myself and my body, immeasureably. I think I was a Closeted BBW, who is slowly coming out... and glad to be doing so!
> 
> Vi



More Power To 'Ya, Violet! I am thrilled to see you coming out
the way you are. You are beautiful and deserve the freedom to live it!


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## Violet_Beauregard (Apr 27, 2007)

Thank you Edgar, you've been a big help to me!




imfree said:


> More Power To 'Ya, Violet! I am thrilled to see you coming out
> the way you are. You are beautiful and deserve the freedom to live it!


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## Ample Pie (Apr 28, 2007)

It's weird, but I guess I've just never thought I had the option to hide anything. People are going to see me being fat. They're going to see me eat. They're going to see me dance wobbly and drunk. They're going to see me in my disgusting (but oh-so-warm-and-comfy sweats). They're simply going to see me. It never occurred to me, even once, that I could possibly have the wit or charm or whatever to cover for these things or to make them more palatable for others. I'm just not that graceful. 

Instead, I think I have walked around all these years feeling like I'm in a big plastic bubble--perfectly visible and perfectly untouchable. You can see me, but you'll never touch me (even with words) unless I want you to. In a sense, I have hidden behind honesty for most of my adult life, preferring to wear everything I am on the surface and simply daring other people to challenge it.

So, I guess in a way, even with as forthright and outspoken as I've almost always been, I've sort of been closeted...not about being fat, no, but about how untough I really am under all the armor it takes to walk around being a fat girl. Everyone knows I'm secure in my fat; no one knows how isolated I also am in that same fat as a trade off. That's the way I've built my life, rightly or wrongly.


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## butch (Apr 28, 2007)

Wow, Rebecca, just wow. You've put into words something that sounds really close to how I feel, but I didn't quite realise it until reading your post.

This is what resonated with me-

"Instead, I think I have walked around all these years feeling like I'm in a big plastic bubble--perfectly visible and perfectly untouchable. You can see me, but you'll never touch me (even with words) unless I want you to. In a sense, I have hidden behind honesty for most of my adult life, preferring to wear everything I am on the surface and simply daring other people to challenge it."

from your post. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do with this realization. If you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

Thanks, and glad you're back at Dims.


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## LillyBBBW (Apr 28, 2007)

waldo said:


> This is very confusing to me. If you are accepting of yourself being fat and you suspect (or know) your husband prefers a fat woman, what is the problem?? If you enjoy that he likes your body but can't tell him I feel like this is really unfortunate. Seems to me he would be really happy to know how you feel.



Not speaking for Lapwing because I don't actually know how she feels, but it seems to me that a journey of self acceptance is one you want to take on your own at your own pace. While grappling with inner hesitance on something it is easy for someone on the outside to say, "Don't be silly! Of *course* you can wear this loin cloth and tube top in public. You're beautiful and sexy!" It would feel like being pushed or watched even if that's not actually happening.


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## Waxwing (Apr 28, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Not speaking for Lapwing because I don't actually know how she feels, but it seems to me that a journey of self acceptance is one you want to take on your own at your own pace. While grappling with inner hesitance on something it is easy for someone on the outside to say, "Don't be silly! Of *course* you can wear this loin cloth and tube top in public. You're beautiful and sexy!" It would feel like being pushed or watched even if that's not actually happening.


 
Yep. Our self-esteem is to some extent contingent upon what others think of us, but if you're not yet at the level of self-acceptance so that YOU feel that you're beautiful, no amount of outside encouragement is going to fix that. It comes from within, and can take a loooong time.


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 28, 2007)

Waxwing said:


> Yep. Our self-esteem is to some extent contingent upon what others think of us, but if you're not yet at the level of self-acceptance so that YOU feel that you're beautiful, no amount of outside encouragement is going to fix that. It comes from within, and can take a loooong time.



There can be a difference between accepting that somebody else may find your size/shape appealing and not liking it yourself. It's not really different from changing hairstyles or outfits or wearing/not wearing makeup. You may "know" your partner prefers the natural look but you think you look better wearing makeup. Some guys have fetishes for older women; even though this is a fact, some women still get Botox. If you're curvy, you can accept that some men like that shape but still not think it looks good _in your own opinion._


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## Waxwing (Apr 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> There can be a difference between accepting that somebody else may find your size/shape appealing and not liking it yourself. It's not really different from changing hairstyles or outfits or wearing/not wearing makeup. You may "know" your partner prefers the natural look but you think you look better wearing makeup. Some guys have fetishes for older women; even though this is a fact, some women still get Botox. If you're curvy, you can accept that some men like that shape but still not think it looks good _in your own opinion._



You said it better than I.


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## waldo (Apr 28, 2007)

LillyBBBW said:


> Not speaking for Lapwing because I don't actually know how she feels, but it seems to me that a journey of self acceptance is one you want to take on your own at your own pace. While grappling with inner hesitance on something it is easy for someone on the outside to say, "Don't be silly! Of *course* you can wear this loin cloth and tube top in public. You're beautiful and sexy!" It would feel like being pushed or watched even if that's not actually happening.



I think there a couple different issues here and the lines are being blurred. One is self-acceptance. I understand that is not easy, and can take a lot of time. The other is acceptance of the admiration from an FA. That is also not easy. The line from the earlier post that struck me was "I can't tell him that I *enjoy* the fact that he likes me the size I am. " Now she is using the term 'enjoy' as opposed to a word like tolerate or accept. From the standpoint of an FA who has always had to worry about whether a fat girl will be able to handle my attraction to her (and maybe I should just keep it to myself, lest she think I am some sort of perverted fetishist) and one whose wife has more so tolerated than enjoyed my attraction to her body - I see this as an opportunity for increased bonding between a couple when she can truly appreciate him. That is not to say it will be easy for her to discuss it with him, but it is worth the effort: and if you can't tell your spouse how you feel, that seems like a problem in the relationship.


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## Ample Pie (Apr 28, 2007)

butch said:


> Wow, Rebecca, just wow. You've put into words something that sounds really close to how I feel, but I didn't quite realise it until reading your post.
> 
> This is what resonated with me-
> 
> ...



It's always nice when we find we're not alone in something, isn't it 

Honestly, I have no suggestions for you, because I'm not completely sure I want to change. I'm not sure that this isn't exactly how I want to live. As yet.

At any rate, I do wish you the best. 

Rebecca


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## Tina (Apr 28, 2007)

There seem to be a group of people who will only accept fat people who are trying to lose weight, and it would be easy, I suppose, to be closeted around such yahoos, if one were so inclined.

It's been about 15 years now since I decided to change the way I felt about my body and perceived myself. It's a jouney I am forevermore glad I took, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am definitely out about being fine with my fat and having that kind of confidence. Some don't know how to take it, and in the past, a couple have tried to say stuff like, "you're not fat." Come on, 340 lbs is fat any way you cut it, and I have to give them this look like, 'you must be kidding!' 

Too much of the world is uncomfortable with fat -- on others, and particularly on themselves. It's never too late to learn to love your bod, as is, fat and all.


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## LoveBHMS (Apr 28, 2007)

waldo said:


> I think there a couple different issues here and the lines are being blurred. One is self-acceptance. I understand that is not easy, and can take a lot of time. The other is acceptance of the admiration from an FA. That is also not easy. The line from the earlier post that struck me was "I can't tell him that I *enjoy* the fact that he likes me the size I am. " Now she is using the term 'enjoy' as opposed to a word like tolerate or accept. From the standpoint of an FA who has always had to worry about whether a fat girl will be able to handle my attraction to her (and maybe I should just keep it to myself, lest she think I am some sort of perverted fetishist) and one whose wife has more so tolerated than enjoyed my attraction to her body - I see this as an opportunity for increased bonding between a couple when she can truly appreciate him. That is not to say it will be easy for her to discuss it with him, but it is worth the effort: and if you can't tell your spouse how you feel, that seems like a problem in the relationship.



True, but there is also (in my thinking) a difference between preference and acceptance. I sometimes think there is a little too much pressure towards "acceptance" or a mindset that if you work hard enough, you can feel good about something you truly don't like. 

I can't see where that HAS to work in either direction. An FA is going to be hot for fat chicks no matter what society or his friends or the mass media tell him. It's just that he likes what he likes. A woman who prefers that her own body look a certain way is not necessarily a brainwashed victim of the media any more than a SSBBW who thinks she looks fabulous is delusional or stupid. I don't think you can like a certain body type (on yourself or others) any more than you can convince yourself that you have a certain sexual preference that you flat out don't have.


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## Waxwing (Apr 28, 2007)

LoveBHMS said:


> I can't see where that HAS to work in either direction. An FA is going to be hot for fat chicks no matter what society or his friends or the mass media tell him. It's just that he likes what he likes. A woman who prefers that her own body look a certain way is not necessarily a brainwashed victim of the media any more than a SSBBW who thinks she looks fabulous is delusional or stupid. I don't think you can like a certain body type (on yourself or others) any more than you can convince yourself that you have a certain sexual preference that you flat out don't have.


 
Bingo. Again. A woman may prefer her body fat, or may prefer it thin, and acceptance isn't necessarily going to change that preference. 

I wish I had blue eyes. Even if someone loved me *because* of brown eyes, I would still want them to be blue. 
(and don't start singing 'don't it make my brown eyes blue)


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## Ray Ros (Aug 28, 2008)

We may not b a secret society...but are relatively few....I wud call it a discreet society...probably betr...Whenevr I try to boast abt my prefernce
I find disapprovl and jokes,,,partticularly w/latinos like me....bettr to b discreet I guess....or hv arguments....RAY


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## bexy (Aug 29, 2008)

Great thread Tooz. I totally get what you are saying about there being 2 types of fat women.
It is assumed by a lot of people I am in denial when I say I am happy and fat. Even some of my friends seem to think I am putting on a front. But thats due to their own issues with the way they look. Anytime any of them talk about losing weight and I tell them they don't need to, or ok if they are going to do it properly not through starving themselves, I get told off. One actually said to me the other day that I just want everyone in the world to be fat. This really annoyed me, I want everyone in the world to be happy with themselves that is all. Thin or fat, just genuinely happy. 
But sometimes if feels as if I am a traitor to them because I can't do the diet talk or the wooo I lost 2lbs talk.


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## ZyggyKrykkyt (Aug 29, 2008)

As a man, I sympathize with this. You raised an intriguing point mentioning how, away from a positively focused website such as this, to the usual rigamoreau of the real world can be full of situations where majority opinion scorns, and even laughs, at the subject of overweight women as if it's just alright with everyone. Men seem to have it much easier. No one tells Wilford Brimley or Charles Durning to slim down, but every day the tabloids jab at some Hollywood bint, compete with incognito shades, at some random-ass Cali country club sporting 5 or 10 extra pounds. 
Of course it's hard to hold your head up high in a world like this. The fact that you do have an element of pride and DO love yourself, not only for who you are but how you look, is more than admirable.


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## lovesgaininggirls (Apr 1, 2009)

Tooz, I think you make some excellent observations. Obviously, if you're 100 lbs. above the accepted norm, that fact is hard to cover up. So, it's easy to SEE that a woman or man is fat. But there are two divisions among both genders and you're right, it's either you accept your weight and feel comfortable in your own skin, or you feel you have to tell the world that, yes, I'm fat, but I'm dieting so that I won't be fat anymore.

It's the same for FAs or FFAs, admitting that you think the fuller figure is attractive automatically makes you, maybe not a pariah, but consigned to the category of weird with a tendency toward fetishism. In both instances, you refuse to admit that you are what you are and you like what you like.

That's why I think the idea of fat acceptance is so difficult. It's not just the skinny world that has to accept fat, it's the fat world that has to admit to itself two things. First, I'm fat and I don't apologize for it. Second, I think I'm every bit as attractive as any thin person, maybe more. But I think we're on our way toward this acceptance. 

I was a closet FA for many years. I came out of that particular closet when I was 50 and the only regret I have is that it took me so long to set aside the built in prejudices of society and let myself be ME!


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## superodalisque (Apr 2, 2009)

sure i think there are closeted BBWs. heres some of the things i think can look like a closet of one type or another. 

1. doesn't feel comfortable being social at non acceptance gatherings.

2. is afraid to eat what she likes--double edged, meaning she will try to impress with how much or how little she eats depending on the crowd rather than eating what her choices are.

3. is making sure every square inch of her body is concealed, or resembles a thin girl in shape if not in size. that would include a dependence on spanks and girdles etc... and is afraid that her body might move in a non thin way.

4. tries to do everything thin girls do, even when it may be physically permanently damaging, just to fit in and look "normal".

5. never even references being fat unless its in the context of losing outside of acceptance.

6. really thinks only FAs can like her body so she is afraid to give other men a chance. she also tends to think that all other men besides FAs want her to lose weight.

7. whether a guy likes her weight is her first consideration when dating a guy instead of whether she likes him or not.

8. she has no hope for her career because she doesn't think fat women can progress so she will do things to damage it because deep down she feels it does not matter.

9. puts aside dreams because she feels fat folks can't do those kinds of things. rather than investigating how she can do something she will just assume and give up.

10. lives a 100% fat life. that would be in career, dating and every other aspect you can think of--like a fat bubble she can live inside of.

11. living an 100% unfat life associating with other fat people as little as possible.


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## katherine22 (Jul 9, 2009)

Until I changed my perception of fatness, it was hard to see any value in me since my self-definition was a weak willed fat person. My relationship to my body vacillated between unconsciousness to repulsion for many years. I had been thin several times in my life, and it took several attempts at being thin to appreciate that thin didn't get me anything but a smaller dress size and approval from other for about two days. Once I embraced fatness other areas of self-acceptance fell into place. My biggest regret is that I was a pretty woman when I was young and did not know that since I was too busy hating myself for being fat. The same issues that I attributed to being fat are showing up as I deal with getting older.


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## Tau (Jul 9, 2009)

I've also struggled with this Tooz. Do we need to constantly be on the defensive, constantly representing, constantly making a statement to be fat and out and proud??

My fatness often felt like my blackness - like the thing the world was only just barely forgiving me for being. I'm happy being fat. I've never been thin but I've been thinner and honestly, it didnt suit at all, so I gained the weight back again. In the beginning (sounds terribly biblical ), when people made fat-phobic comments I'd be quiet cos somehow I was embarrassed about enjoying my physical form, about enjoying other fat bodies and loving my own. Also, I felt as if if i piped up on behalf of fatties everywhere all the time I'd come across as defensive and insecure - like I was lying about digging me LOL! I have since gotten over that, same as I have since gotten over my fear of being perceived as 'that angry black girl'. If somebody says something antifat and it bothers me, I let them know it. If somebody says something I perceive as racist I let them know it. Life is too short to walk around worrying about how you are perceived. If you honestly feel you need to say something, if you feel the shame of not saying that thing will eat you up inside, will burn you and harm you, will stuff you back into that hurtful, lonely fat closet, then say it. Be fat and loud and proud - but only when it feels right for you. I don't flag wave and fight 24/7 or when other people thinks its appropriate to do so. I'm not a performer who says things to gain the approval or disapproval of others. I'm hardly ever even looking for a reaction. I wave the fat flag and fight and shout and protest when something in me says "Chick you better stand the fuck up and say something!" Thats how I knew for myself that i was out of the fat girl closet, when it was ok for me in my head to choose my own battles Not sure how much sense that made - its late


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## Tau (Jul 9, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> 6. really thinks only FAs can like her body so she is afraid to give other men a chance. she also tends to think that all other men besides FAs want her to lose weight.



Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?


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## Famouslastwords (Jul 9, 2009)

superodalisque said:


> 6. really thinks only FAs can like her body so she is afraid to give other men a chance. she also tends to think that all other men besides FAs want her to lose weight.


This would be me. In my experience I would say that most of the time I would be right about men wanting me to lose weight, unless they were FAs. There have been a few guys that liked girls of all sizes but very few compared to the whole.



superodalisque said:


> 7. whether a guy likes her weight is her first consideration when dating a guy instead of whether she likes him or not.



That's me too. I might as well work within a pool of people who like me first before deciding who I like. Saves rejection that way. I do like guys outside of that, but the last time I went for a guy like that I got rejected so hardcore I cried and was depressed for a week because really, I think it was my weight that got me rejected.


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## CamileL (Jul 9, 2009)

I used to have "in the closet" behavior. Then I started focusing on what I liked about myself. I would look in the mirror and say things like "I have pretty eyes... nice smile... nice legs... nice boobs..." and so on until I got to the point where I said "I'm hot stuff! *ssssss*". Now friends who sometimes tell me that they wish they could be like me: happy about who I am and damn anyone else.


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## ashmamma84 (Jul 9, 2009)

Tau said:


> Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?



But, your assuming a non-FA can't find you sexually attractive or admire your fat body. Maybe that's where the confusion comes in. What if he were a guy that found lots of sizes to be attractive? There does exist such a creature. lol Could you be comfortable with a someone who felt that way? 

I wouldn't call my partner a card carrying FA, but she finds me irresistable -there isn't a shadow of a doubt. She loves my curves AND my personhood. I don't think she's really caught up in terminology; she finds fatness (smaller/midsize bbws) attractive. Simple as that. 

Could it be that some of us fat girls get so caught up in terminology, etc that we might miss out on a great guy/girl, hell, even a soulmate because he or she isn't screaming from the FA rooftop?


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## Tania (Jul 9, 2009)

ashmamma84 said:


> But, your assuming a non-FA can't find you sexually attractive or admire your fat body. Maybe that's where the confusion comes in. What if he were a guy that found lots of sizes to be attractive? There does exist such a creature.



I think Tau puts the multisizual people in the general FA category. I mean, if you find fat people attractive, even if it's not exclusively, you are in some sense a fat admirer. There is definitely a cultural and philosophical element to self-identified FAdom that likely won't apply, but I think that's more of a secondary consideration.


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## BarbBBW (Jul 9, 2009)

*I was definitely a closeted BBW for a long time. Till I was in my late 20's., early 30's I always wanted to appear smaller than I was, I always was telling people I was on a diet or i would join a gym, just so people would think I wasnt as fat as i was?!I still do love the gym though, but it was weird , I know. I always took pictures of myself, from the neck up or boobs up, to "pretend" to be not "so fat". It took me a long time and alot of self searching, along with the help of many wonderful other bbw's and Fa's to help me find and love myself truly. And now when people tell me, oh you really need to start dieting again huh? I can tell them, nahhh I love myself this way, but thanks! Its amazing!! The feeling of freedom you get from a simple sentence.
AS many of you have seen, I have become even more secure with myself, since I have joined DIMS> And thats a huge difference in my life for me. Its a whole new world of acceptance, unconditional love for one another as humans, and the support I personally get for so many wonderful people on DIMS makes my life that much better. Not just all the comments from the men,.. which I LOVE, but the women too!
Living as a closeted BBW is very hard emotionally, and like another poster wrote, seeing pics of yourself was very hard to deal with, you try so hard to appear "thin" and you see that pic and your heart just sinks. I was depressed alot thru my life fro men wanting me for my "pretty face, or boobs, but not the rest of me. You get that so set in your mind, you arent good enough , cause you are fat! Its a terrible way to live life.
I always try to encourage other woman to enjoy being a BBW!! Do it now!!! Embrace ,love , adore yourself for the big gal you are, dont let the mental mess of being a closeted BBW get to you too! Sit or stand infront of a mirror and just tell yourself how damn sexy you are! Do it everyday!! Feel your curves, your softness, take a good long look at your body and remind yourself that you are one hell of a sexy woman with wonderful fat covered bones hehe!
*


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 9, 2009)

I think of an FA as someone who is ONLY attracted to fat women. 
I've never dated an FA, all the men I've ever dated have been men who like women of all shapes and sizes.




Tau said:


> Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?


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## BarbBBW (Jul 10, 2009)

Ella Bella said:


> I think of an FA as someone who is ONLY attracted to fat women.
> I've never dated an FA, all the men I've ever dated have been men who like women of all shapes and sizes.



I have always dated men like that ,.. not nearly as much awesome ness as an FA LOL just IMO


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## katherine22 (Jul 10, 2009)

ashmamma84 said:


> But, your assuming a non-FA can't find you sexually attractive or admire your fat body. Maybe that's where the confusion comes in. What if he were a guy that found lots of sizes to be attractive? There does exist such a creature. lol Could you be comfortable with a someone who felt that way?
> 
> I wouldn't call my partner a card carrying FA, but she finds me irresistable -there isn't a shadow of a doubt. She loves my curves AND my personhood. I don't think she's really caught up in terminology; she finds fatness (smaller/midsize bbws) attractive. Simple as that.
> 
> Could it be that some of us fat girls get so caught up in terminology, etc that we might miss out on a great guy/girl, hell, even a soulmate because he or she isn't screaming from the FA rooftop?




I need body validation. I do not want to be bothered with anyone who is not HOT for my body. Take the whole package or take nothing. No way will I ever put myself in a situation where a man would use my insecurity about my body as a way to dominate and control me. My husband use to say "no one would ever want you-you're fat." That was his bullshit.


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## katherine22 (Jul 10, 2009)

Ella Bella said:


> I think of an FA as someone who is ONLY attracted to fat women.
> I've never dated an FA, all the men I've ever dated have been men who like women of all shapes and sizes.



Ella - Does that mean you passed or something? If you had been another 50 lbs. or so you would have settled for a FA. Are you inferring that there is something wrong with being exclusively attracted to fat women?


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## Tau (Jul 10, 2009)

Tania said:


> I think Tau puts the multisizual people in the general FA category. I mean, if you find fat people attractive, even if it's not exclusively, you are in some sense a fat admirer. There is definitely a cultural and philosophical element to self-identified FAdom that likely won't apply, but I think that's more of a secondary consideration.



What she said


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## thejuicyone (Jul 12, 2009)

I'm content with who I am and I enjoy being fat, but, none of my friends know that I'm on half the sites I'm on. I'm just afraid if they knew they'd be judgemental and then proceed to go to others and be like "You'll never believe this picture I saw of brandi on this website, and then the whole world knows..." That could be me just being paranoid though. & I know I shouldn't care but a small portion of me does. But anyways, then theres this other side of me that is like well if they did find out are they secretly a FA/FFA because how else would they find this or any other bbw site without actually putting those words in a search engine. Unless they are sad sad people and just google fatties in hopes of making fun of people. Idk those are just the many random thoughts that run through my head when it comes to friends or maybe even family members finding out. It almost feels kinda like a double life in a small sense. 

(honesty is great ain't it ;p)

(Just realized how old this thread is. Guess it's never too late to add input.)


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## katherine22 (Jul 12, 2009)

thejuicyone said:


> I'm content with who I am and I enjoy being fat, but, none of my friends know that I'm on half the sites I'm on. I'm just afraid if they knew they'd be judgemental and then proceed to go to others and be like "You'll never believe this picture I saw of brandi on this website, and then the whole world knows..." That could be me just being paranoid though. & I know I shouldn't care but a small portion of me does. But anyways, then theres this other side of me that is like well if they did find out are they secretly a FA/FFA because how else would they find this or any other bbw site without actually putting those words in a search engine. Unless they are sad sad people and just google fatties in hopes of making fun of people. Idk those are just the many random thoughts that run through my head when it comes to friends or maybe even family members finding out. It almost feels kinda like a double life in a small sense.
> 
> (honesty is great ain't it ;p)[/COLOR
> 
> ...





The good news is that you are on this site with the possibility of being supported by an incredible BBW community.


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## thejuicyone (Jul 12, 2009)

katherine22 said:


> The good news is that you are on this site with the possibility of being supported by an incredible BBW community.



I love it here, I feel like my entire self on this site, like I don't have to hold anything back.


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## tinkerbell (Jul 12, 2009)

Tau said:


> Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?




I would have to say, I'm in a non FA sexual relationship. He's attracted to ME, and MY body. Not my fat. He finds me sexy. He found me sexy when we met at 175 and a size 14 10 years ago, and sexy at my highest of 290, at a size 24 3 years ago. And honestly, with some of the behavior I've seen from guys on here, and have experienced myself from guys on this site, I definitely prefer that hes NOT an FA. 

I'm sure there are some who would think that I'm a closeted bbw, because I'm losing weight - as I see how WL is regarded on this site (which I get to a point, but its pretty much at the other extreme, and to me extremes are never good), but I dont think I am. I've stopped caring what other people think of me, and will wear what I want, if *I* think it looks good on me. I will wear shorts and a tank top out in public. I will wear my bathing suit on the beach, and not cover up. I think its sad that women at any size wont go to the beach, or swimming with their children because they are worried about how they look. I want to have fun! I like my curves. I just did not like who I was at 290. I didn't like how lazy I had become, and how hard it was to do things. I'm in better shape than most skinny women I know, now. And I love that I'm strong and able to do things I never thought I'd be able to do - and love my body because of that. And I prefer how my body looks at a smaller size. I'm getting my hour glass figure back, and love it.


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## Carrie (Jul 12, 2009)

Hi Tink! Glad you are taking care of yourself as you see fit, and are feeling great about yourself, that's totally boss. Just wanted to comment on one thing you said, though, for clarification: 



tinkerbell said:


> I would have to say, I'm in a non FA sexual relationship. He's attracted to ME, and MY body. Not my fat. He finds me sexy.


I date FAs. Good ones. Guys who are smart, sensitive, funny, and happen to be attracted to women with fat bodies, NOT guys who will date _any_ fat girl because he'd be just as happy humping a jiggling bag of lard. So the only difference between your personal statement about dating and mine? 

He's attracted to ME, *and* MY fat body. Not just my fat. He finds *me* sexy. 

That's about it.  Sure, there are FAs here and everywhere who are solely attracted to the fat, regardless of who it's attached to, and you notice them because they make you feel icky, and objectified. Me, too. Unfortunately, we're often more likely to notice someone who elicits a strong negative response in us than a regular guy who just happens to find fat chicks beautiful and posts kind of quietly and goes about his business, y'know? So all I ask is that you keep that in mind around here, and not paint everyone with one broad brush. Think about how hurtful it is to the great FAs and the girls they date around here to imply that _all_ they are interested in is our fat. I assure you, from personal experience, that that's far from the truth. 

Thanks for listening, and again, congrats on the direction you're going in your life! Sounds like you're happy, and that's all that really matters.


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## tinkerbell (Jul 12, 2009)

Carrie said:


> Hi Tink! Glad you are taking care of yourself as you see fit, and are feeling great about yourself, that's totally boss. Just wanted to comment on one thing you said, though, for clarification:
> 
> 
> I date FAs. Good ones. Guys who are smart, sensitive, funny, and happen to be attracted to women with fat bodies, NOT guys who will date _any_ fat girl because he'd be just as happy humping a jiggling bag of lard. So the only difference between your personal statement about dating and mine?
> ...



I was replying to the quote in my post. And that person said that she didn't think it could be satisfying to be in a relationship with a non fa. And I explained how it was. That he's not attracted to my fat. And others posted similar thoughts. An FA by default IS interested and attracted to fat, right? And I was saying that my husband is NOT attracted to my fat. But finds my body sexy. That it is possible for someone to be attracted to and find a fat person sexy, but is not attracted to the actual fat, as an FA would be. No, thats not ALL (and where I said that, I'd like to know!) they would be attracted to, but its part of their attraction to that fat person. 

And I did post this: "And honestly, with *some* of the behavior..." I didn't say ALL, or MOST, or 99.9 %. I said SOME. I didn't paint anyone with a broad brush, and dont really see how any of my post would be hurtful to the "great FAs and the girls they date around here".

And I do prefer that he's not an FA - and I'm allowed to have that preference.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 13, 2009)

thejuicyone said:


> I love it here, I feel like my entire self on this site, like I don't have to hold anything back.



I feel this way most of the time, too


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## BarbBBW (Jul 13, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> I feel this way most of the time, too



me too, and it gets me in some pretty deep shit LMAO


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## fatgirlflyin (Jul 15, 2009)

What are you talking about? Where in my post did I infer anything? I said I have never dated an FA, not that I would never date an FA. Maybe you would like to read my post again and then point your indignation somewhere else. 


katherine22 said:


> Ella - Does that mean you passed or something? If you had been another 50 lbs. or so you would have settled for a FA. Are you inferring that there is something wrong with being exclusively attracted to fat women?


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## steely (Jul 15, 2009)

thejuicyone said:


> I love it here, I feel like my entire self on this site, like I don't have to hold anything back.



I'm not sure about feeling like my entire self on Dims. You can get a harsh smack down if you say something others find offensive, even if that wasn't your intent. I will say I love it here and enjoy being able to be more of myself than I have ever been before. :happy:


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## exile in thighville (Jul 15, 2009)

fat angle pics


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## kayrae (Jul 15, 2009)

If not fat angle pics, "closeted BBWs" will choose a photo that de-emphasizes weight. For example, I take a lot of straight body shots for Fatshionista. I've gotten comments on my pictures where people say I hardly look fat, which makes me laugh. Admittedly, my pictures make me look smaller than I really am because my arms and legs are "thin." But if I wanted to be photographically honest about my size, I'd include side shots where you'd be able to see my prominent belly.



exile in thighville said:


> fat angle pics


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## ashmamma84 (Jul 15, 2009)

katherine22 said:


> I need body validation. I do not want to be bothered with anyone who is not HOT for my body. Take the whole package or take nothing. No way will I ever put myself in a situation where a man would use my insecurity about my body as a way to dominate and control me. My husband use to say "no one would ever want you-you're fat." That was his bullshit.



I think we all need body validation to one degree or another. That wasn't my point - I don't think one has to be with an FA to recieve that though. And believe me, my honey loves me lumps, bumps and all; "she just can't help herself because I am so irresistable." <---- her words.

eta - the previous post was in response to Tau, but now that its been pointed out what she meant, its duly noted. ty Tau and Tania for clarification.


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## PunkPeach (Jul 16, 2009)

Just coming from the confession thread...guess I am in a very confessing mood. I am almost always ok with who I am, however I have one place in my life where I actually hide my weight. It is not about sex or most things people hide their weight online about. I actually hide my weight when it comes to my writing. Too many times in my life have I been judged by people who can not see that I am actually happier being heavy. When it came to my writing, I knew I was already putting myself out there to be judged, and did not want to be judged based on appearance as well. So the sites that have my writing in general do not have a picture, or have a face only shot. Is it wrong? Well in a way, I have always felt bad about it, I feel as if I am cheating myself. However, I am so sensitive about my words that I have never been able to just say forget it and post a pic of me just being me. I think the worst part is up until this post I have never admitted that to anyone, not my friends or family, getting it out feels like a huge weight off my chest.


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## fffff (Jul 16, 2009)

tinkerbell said:


> And I do prefer that he's not an FA - and I'm allowed to have that preference.



I understand what you mean. 

I'm sure there are some good fas out there - but often I feel like most of the guys here would masturbate to a dumptruck full of jello covered with a beige cloth.


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## furious styles (Jul 16, 2009)

fffff said:


> I understand what you mean.
> 
> I'm sure there are some good fas out there - but often I feel like most of the guys here would masturbate to a dumptruck full of jello covered with a beige cloth.



i know i would. hell, i just did!


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## Tina (Jul 16, 2009)

Styles, I'd have taken you for more of a black or red kinda guy, not beige... 

I'd really like to discourage painting our FAs here with a big paintbrush. We wouldn't want to see it over on the FA/FFA board, so we do not allow that here. Many of the FAs are wonderful and don't deserve the "most FAs" seal of disapproval. I know that when venturing into certain boards that's what you're going to find because, well, that's what some of the boards are _for_.


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## ABellyGirl (Jul 16, 2009)

I'm new but I wanted to chime in...

I confess I let the pressure from society drive me slowly from the public eye. 

I have not been brave these last two years. I have avoided seeing key members my family because of their insults. I have avoided public places and things I normally would like to do. I hid behind my husband.

Now that my husband has gone away, I have to be brave alone. It started with me taking a trip alone to Lane Bryant and buying new bras that fit. I hadn't seen a new bra in four years. I was wearing a stretched-out 40B with the under wire broken when I wear a 44C (46C really). I feel soo much better now with the Rago Girdle and the sexy bras.

But now I am currently stressing because I don't think I can't stand job interviews again. I have a good resume. But still I end up seeing those looks of disappointment and those micro-expressions of disgust. I just want to survive and be loved for the good stuff in me.


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## Tina (Jul 16, 2009)

Welcome, ABG. 

It can be so hard to brave judgmental attitudes and get out and about, but also so important. The way I see it is that it's none of my business what the general public thinks about my looks, and unless someone gets in my face about it, I don't go looking to see whether people notice me or not. It took a long time for me to feel this way, though, and I remember feeling so self-conscious and just certain that people were staring, pointing and talking about me. It's possible some do, but by and large, most people are too caught up in their own thoughts and lives to give more than a passing glance.

Employment is another matter, of course. Why not brush up your resume, get some nice business clothes and start out by applying for jobs you don't want? That way you're getting practice handling interviews, shyness and self-consciousness, dealing with chairs with arms, etc. By the time you feel more ready to tackle interviewing for jobs you care about you'll be more polished.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Jul 16, 2009)

So are we never allowed to say that we don't prefer FAs on the BBW board? We're never allowed to discuss what we don't like? Or was it something in particular that is "not allowed"?

That seems like a general preference some here have and shouldn't we be allowed that? Just as some of the FAs talk about certain body parts they prefer over and over all over the forum?

We can only paint roses around FAs? on the BBW board???


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## Fascinita (Jul 16, 2009)

fffff said:


> I understand what you mean.
> 
> I'm sure there are some good fas out there - but often I feel like most of the guys here would masturbate to a dumptruck full of jello covered with a beige cloth.



I think I understand what your frustration is about. If I read you correctly, you're saying that you want to be more than wank fodder and that there is an actual person that lives in your flesh and needs to be acknowledged. Yes?


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## Santaclear (Jul 16, 2009)

The beige cloth does sound pretty hot.


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## Tania (Jul 16, 2009)

Blue Tarps.


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## olwen (Jul 16, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> So are we never allowed to say that we don't prefer FAs on the BBW board? We're never allowed to discuss what we don't like? Or was it something in particular that is "not allowed"?
> 
> That seems like a general preference some here have and shouldn't we be allowed that? Just as some of the FAs talk about certain body parts they prefer over and over all over the forum?
> 
> We can only paint roses around FAs? on the BBW board???



You can say whether or not you prefer FAs. There's just a difference between "All FAs are (negative thing here)" and "Are all FAs really (negative thing here)?" How we feel about dating FAs or not and whether or not we understand where they're coming from are constructive discussions as far as I'm concerned. It's just flat out saying all FAs do or think X that isn't helpful or true. Hopefully these discussions can be had without holding back our feelings and without resorting to negative blanket statements about men.


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## Tina (Jul 16, 2009)

This was never about whether one can prefer FAs or not, and I think that's pretty plain as I never said a thing about preferring FAs or not. Wasn't even addressed.

What olwen says is true. As I recall, when reading the thread about the then proposed FA/FFA board, some women were distressed, thinking that maybe there would be put-downs and comparisons of us women allowed there. That is not the case there; nor will the obverse be the case, here. Saying, basically, that most of the FAs here only see us as fat blobs to masturbate to is very insulting. As olwen says, it's a blanket generalization wherein most of the FAs here were put into a box and given an insulting label. That's not kosher. 

Wouldn't we all hope that if a comparable a thing was going on over on the FA/FFA board that something would be done about it and it would be disallowed? In the future, such remarks will be removed, but it was left here so we could have a discussion.


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