# ODFFA's Antics & Oddities Thread



## ODFFA (Dec 18, 2017)

Hey!

This thread was inspired by how dead the Poetry Thread is, and the conflict between my desire to share poems and my guilt over spamming quiet threads with craploads of OD-stuff.

So I created a thread for that specific purpose! Welcome! 

I'll be sharing all sorts. Mostly poems and musings. They won't all be dark, I promise  And please don't be discouraged from sharing your own here, and/or sparking up a conversation.


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## ODFFA (Dec 18, 2017)

*Blue Screen Of Anxiety*

New acquaintance detected! 
Optimism level: -10
Commence operation: Appear Normal
Conversation cache: low
Select tone: semi-informal

Bug report:
Week 1: rapport downloaded 50%
Week 2: conversation cache depleted
Week 3: virus detected! Dyspraxia
Week 4: Self-efficacy: deleted
Age-appropriation: failed
Ineptitudes: logged
Attempt to quarantine? Yes [panic]please, for the love of God![/panic]

External input devices:
Language: infantilisation
Eyes: look down from increased height
Voices: frequent lilt, pitying, trite
Smiles: saccharine, bemused, tight

External message  decoded:
Error #3019 We think its cute how you try to sound grown-up
and try to stand tall in the sinking sand
and try to look composed and calm and graceful
considering all the ups from which you hang.


Message: internalised
Body: increase heart rate, commence quiver
Brain: engage dissonance
Self: Error! Unknown 
Does not compute 
Could not deliver




View attachment copyrighted.png


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Dec 19, 2017)

This is pretty much everything I've ever wanted out of life.


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## djudex (Dec 19, 2017)

As a former self-centric thread starter I wholly endorse this effort!


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## ODFFA (Dec 19, 2017)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> This is pretty much everything I've ever wanted out of life.



Heh! I hope you will still feel the same about my very generous oversharing down the line. But your enthusiasm means a lot 



djudex said:


> As a former self-centric thread starter I wholly endorse this effort!



Well, thank you for the support, fellow narcissist!  I've always loved the title of yours.


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## Tad (Dec 20, 2017)

Excellent stuff, thank you so much for sharing!


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## ODFFA (Dec 24, 2017)

Regret: A Monologue

Ego, please have mercy!
I was trying to ameliorate.
I know I did the opposite,
served only to exasperate.

The last memory we now have
is of my being overbearing,
is the shame of irritation caused,
is regret. I was too daring.

I was hoping to give one last gift,
a fond and grateful ending.
Instead, I made a fool of us.
Now to wounds we will be tending.


Subconscious, it is difficult.
I am shamed by your indulgence.
I was hesitant at this, the risk
of even one last kind divulgence.

Our forebears taught me to be harsh;
I am tempted there once more.
Though, you give me pause, for cruel rebuke
will not morale ensure.

We both must bear indignity.
We hang by the same tether.
[FONT=&quot]I will swallow down the bitter blame
so we may take the blow together.

[/FONT]


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## ODFFA (Jan 1, 2018)

Looking back over the past and understanding the realities of my life as they currently stand, I realise this year will probably have some fresh hell in store.

So, this is my theme for 2018:
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea1Tw4mwX7s[/ame]


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## Yakatori (Jan 3, 2018)

ODFFA said:


> "_So, this is my *theme for 2018*:_"



If this is wrong, then I don't want to be right; nowhere else this would feel as appropriate:


_Panic Attack_ - *Elana Stone* ​
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1YTEqRb7dw[/ame]


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## ODFFA (Jan 7, 2018)

Yakatori said:


> If this is wrong, then I don't want to be right; nowhere else this would feel as appropriate:
> 
> 
> _Panic Attack_ - *Elana Stone*​



​Absolutely spot-on.​


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## hommecreux (Jan 9, 2018)

Into programming much ODFFA?
Might as well put that second post on a loop and throw in an internal fatal error or two and call that my life.

haha. 

oh right..... fml


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## ODFFA (Feb 23, 2018)

It's been a week and I've heard no peep from my former boss. So, I'm daring to become cautiously optimistic that I will now be left alone.

Thanks again for the advice and support, everyone! You guys are awesome


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## Tad (Feb 24, 2018)

Glad that worry is lifting!


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## ODFFA (Feb 27, 2018)

A basketful of freedom
hung heavy on her arm.
Laden only with care,
if lacking in charm.

A red rose I bring
to ward off any guilt,
Goodwill and liberty 
form the patches of this quilt.

She laid it down gently
as she spoke these last words.
Then, a frustrated reply,
or had she misheard?

Meant only to free,
to bring joy and relief.
Yet with sorrow shed conclude
that her gift had caused grief.

Regret came in waves
at its snappish behest:
I have warned you before!
Let Time do the rest.

Days merged into months
filled with one single prayer:
Let my intentions be known
to have contained only care.


View attachment RegProtected.png


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## ODFFA (Mar 1, 2018)

My name drips venomously from the tongue
That covertly cuts me down to size
My own mouth clamours, gasps for words
Too illusive to be verbalised

Her eyes examine haughtily
My essence, curled into a ball
Her bellowing words compress my soul
Invisible now, impossibly small

I ache to scream, but second-guess
And guess a third, a hundredth time
My doubts extend her callous grip
I sink into the pain as her hubris climbs

This creature -- never satisfied,
Never still, never appeased --
This inexorable nemesis
Would bring me daily to my knees

It seems I am nothing, she is all
The rising of the sun retells
I try to disabuse myself
But no logic this great sense dispels

Her voice is never far away
My own narrative to smother
In every strangers countenance
I see the face of Behemother


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## ODFFA (May 5, 2018)




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## ODFFA (Jun 10, 2018)

My mother embarrassed the shit out of me in public at a family gathering by telling everyone about my suspicions of being on the autism spectrum. These are people I don't trust to understand the intricacies of it, so I would never bother confiding in them. And she knows that. Hell, she's asked me to keep some of her secrets from them before. In fact, she glibly mentioned it during a conversation that went something like, "I know this kid who comes to our home to visit his grandma. He's autistic, and he's... so... _strange."_ 

The "Odette is, too," came flying out of her mouth, along with a shit-eating grin. That is just every level of fucked up. Any doubt I had about her having NPD has now been obliterated.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Jun 11, 2018)

Blegh, that sucks. But - i mean...at least that means she isn't embarrassed by it/you? (trying to think of a positive spin on a shitty situation, because i hate it when people do stuff like that too)


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## Dr. Feelgood (Jun 11, 2018)

And you know it will happen again. So practice smiling sadly and quietly saying, "The apple never falls far from the tree, does it?"


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## Tad (Jun 11, 2018)

That is so many levels of rough  sorry that you have had to -- and continue to have to -- deal with that.


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## MrSensible (Jun 12, 2018)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> And you know it will happen again. So practice smiling sadly and quietly saying, "The apple never falls far from the tree, does it?"



I'm sorry, but was this post supposed to be helpful in any way?


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## Xyantha Reborn (Jun 12, 2018)

MrSensible said:


> I'm sorry, but was this post supposed to be helpful in any way?



It's meant to turn it back on her mom - it's neither odd nor funny. By turning it back on her mom it highlights how inappropriate it is, and also intimates it might be her moms responsibility. (Thats the way i read it)

My hubby did that with his mom when she mocked hiw anxiety and she conceded his point


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## ODFFA (Jun 15, 2018)

One thing _I _do feel guilty about is how often I post family drama-related things on Dims. Sometimes it's almost like a compulsion just to get it _out_, but I get how it could be tiresome. I'm more of a brooder than a "just get over it" type of person. I think either one of those can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. I'll keep trying to balance it out.


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## agouderia (Jun 15, 2018)

We all need out outlets Odette - even if it's here on Dims.
Things we bottle up and brood over tend to fester, and make it even more difficult to handle.
From what I've read from you, you have clearly thought about and reflected on events and issues before you post - in contrast to some others where you can tell they just compulsively hammer their keyboard whenever something happens.
So all is fine with what you're doing. Kracht & geluk!


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## ODFFA (Aug 6, 2018)

This was just too adorable to pass up. I have categorically convinced myself that she's FFA-cuddling the shit out of that puppy bed. She is my familiar after all, so I get to project all the meanings I want  And I'm about ready to follow her example and get my snuggle on, too.


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## dwesterny (Aug 6, 2018)

Cute dog and happy birthday!!


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## ODFFA (Aug 8, 2018)

dwesterny said:


> Cute dog and happy birthday!!



Thanks, Dwes. Much appreciated.


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## BigElectricKat (Aug 8, 2018)

Man, I hate being the stupid one in the room!


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## ODFFA (Aug 8, 2018)

BigElectricKat said:


> Man, I hate being the stupid one in the room!



Pssssh, don't sweat it. You're not at all. Besides, I embarrass myself here on the regular >_<


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## Tad (Aug 8, 2018)

ODFFA said:


> Pssssh, don't sweat it. You're not at all. Besides, I embarrass myself here on the regular >_<


So much cute!


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## ODFFA (Aug 14, 2018)




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## ODFFA (Aug 16, 2018)

Been virtually revisiting some of my old haunts back when I was an honorary Brit. Thanks, internet ^_^


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## ODFFA (Sep 28, 2018)

*Undead*

My cheeks were flushed with colour
I remembered how to feel
For a kind and fleeting moment
The world was blooming, vivid, real

Just as comfort settled in
A hope that brightness would abide
I felt a twist inside my gut
It was too late to run or hide

The Infection bode its time
Blurring what had just been bold
Eyes welled up as colours faded
Until the sun's rays left me cold

A familiar numbness nestled
In my still, cavernous chest
Grey skin drained of inspiration
Vision’s purpose laid to rest

My melodic voice now droning
I stretch my arms out to the void
I take one step and then another
Enduring what I once enjoyed


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## ODFFA (Oct 2, 2018)




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## ODFFA (Oct 9, 2018)

I was just perusing Youtube for folksy / celtic-y music, like you do, and came across this gem that I thought especially my (F)FAs would appreciate:


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## squeezablysoft (Oct 17, 2018)

ODFFA said:


> One thing _I _do feel guilty about is how often I post family drama-related things on Dims. Sometimes it's almost like a compulsion just to get it _out_, but I get how it could be tiresome. I'm more of a brooder than a "just get over it" type of person. I think either one of those can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. I'll keep trying to balance it out.




Hey, don't feel bad about that, we're all kind of a family here. Besides, I've got a mother who doesn't even believe depression is a real thing, let alone that I have it. And my therapist is out of the country for the next couple weeks so my she shed is liable to start turning distressingly venty (as opposed to venti lol).


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## ODFFA (Oct 18, 2018)

squeezablysoft said:


> Hey, don't feel bad about that, we're all kind of a family here. Besides, I've got a mother who doesn't even believe depression is a real thing, let alone that I have it. And my therapist is out of the country for the next couple weeks so my she shed is liable to start turning distressingly venty (as opposed to venti lol).



This post was just what I needed to wake up to. Thank you so, so much. I can totally relate. Feel free to get venty in my inbox as well if you ever need to.

My parents seem to finally be on the brink of getting a divorce, which ultimately is a good thing. I just know it's about to get real ugly and that I'll have to guard against getting stuck in the middle. Especially since my mom doesn't go in for therapy much either and the emotional support I give is rarely reciprocated.

Oh well. We'll get through it.


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## Tad (Oct 18, 2018)

Sounds like it could be gruelling. Send endurance vubes your way!


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## ODFFA (Oct 29, 2018)

I'm on a much-needed mini vacation. This's the view of Gordon's Bay Harbour from my hotel room. Apparently it's going to rain tomorrow and I'm not mad at that . . . at all ^_^


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## Tad (Oct 29, 2018)

Gorgeous!


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## ODFFA (Dec 17, 2018)

So… I get that airing dirty laundry isn't exactly the classy thing to do here, _but_… There's no way in hell I can afford counselling right now and I just need to get this out. [Read: feel free to hop off here if you're not into the idea of getting on board the Odie drama train.]

A whole slew of my father's sexual exploits has finally been brought to light and exploded in my mom's face a few days ago. It involves bringing prostitutes around to my aunt's house, to the houses of family friends; and it also involves the sexual harassment of another one of my aunts. This has been an enormous family eruption. Threatening phone calls made drunkenly by him at 2 AM, who believes whom, that type of thing.

I am safe, I'm in a peaceful environment - if a bit stringent - for the first time in years. But I feel out of place, upside down and coming apart at the seams, especially without my little puppy familiar, who I left to fend for herself amidst the chaos. Basically, this is just a clusterfuck of an adjustment period and everything is up in the air. I'm trying to breathe, trust that my puppy will be ok, that she knows I'll come back for regular visits and I haven't abandoned her, that my new life will be manageable, that my "father's" time of ruining lives has finally come to an end, that my mom and I will get through it together and come out stronger. God knows, I am trying hard to convince myself of all these things. MrSensible has been more incredible in this time than I can put into words. I truly don't know where I'd be right now without him.

So there are silver linings. I'm holding onto them for dear life and hoping they'll do the trick in carrying me through.


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## AmyJo1976 (Dec 17, 2018)

That sounds like a lot of horrible unnecessary drama that you've had to deal with. It's always nice to have loving people in your life that you can trust to help you through hard times. I sincerely hope everything works out for you girl!


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## squeezablysoft (Dec 17, 2018)

Aww *hugs*, I hope things start getting better for you soon. I had been staying with my godparents before I left for college and after I did, they said they were going to keep my puppy for me and I could come visit him and get him back after I graduated, but then they gave him away without telling me.  So definitely I would say get your pup back with you as soon as you can. My "dad" was a real piece of something too, I'm thankful every day that at least the things he did didn't become widely known to many people outside mom and I.


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## Tad (Dec 17, 2018)

Oh wow Odette, that sounds horrific. But as you said, hopefully it leads to better things for your Mom and yourself.

And i hope you can be peacefully back with your pup soon!


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## ODFFA (Mar 2, 2019)

Well hello there, Dimsfolk. Figured I'd write a quick update since tomorrow maaay be a momentous day. After a short stint in hospital just before Christmas and a few other scares, my dad will be back in rehab tomorrow -- hopefully. I'll be taking over the running of his business, which is scary, yet exciting. After the induction I feel I should be able to handle it.

And since it's been a short while, here's a bonus puppy video!


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## agouderia (Mar 2, 2019)

Here's to boss Odette! You will definitely do a great, successful job - don't let anybody tell you otherwise! Bonne chance - and take good care of yourself.


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## Tad (Mar 4, 2019)

Big changes in Odetteland! I hope all is going to plan, and good luck with the business


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## squeezablysoft (Mar 4, 2019)

Glad things seem to be looking up! Also, yay puppies!


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## ODFFA (May 4, 2019)

I don't know how it's already May. It's been quite the year so far -- quite the bloody year. As most who may read this will know, it's been marked and marred by a heap of family drama. I am starting to see more and more of my "dad," as he is in the sober living phase of his treatment and is allowed to go places unsupervised. He continues to lie, manipulate and gaslight at almost every turn. The latest saga in his deception is having some financial ramifications and causing a great deal of anxiety for several of us family members. It gets a liiiittle tiresome.

My mental health hasn't been great. It hasn't been great in the last few weeks and, for that matter, it hasn't been great for quite some time. If I don't stay proactive and vigilant, before I know it I find myself wondering what the point of living is. There are a _few _factors keeping me going. One is that there are some amazing and supportive people around me (most notably the absolutely incredible, infinitely loving and patient, MrSensible). The trouble with that is… I'm not easy, lighthearted company. Again, haven't been for some time. I don't want my people to feel used / burdened / exasperated. Therapy has been a lifesaver here. Some weeks I kind of find myself living from session to session.

I also have my little familiar. Her health's been up and down lately, but aside from that, she's a huge light in my life. Huge.

And then there's one other factor. Something over which I've been fighting myself for years. Spirituality. I don't have the luxury of fighting myself over it anymore. If I'm going to live -- well or at all -- I need it. It has become my psychological oxygen. I have finally let it back in. Personally, I've never been entirely satisfied with an existence that is nigh-on dogmatically anti- or atheistic. I totally recognize that some people legitimately derive strength and comfort from this way of life. I'm just not one of them. Not that I believe in a theistic god. I don't.

What I do believe in is the psychological benefit of transcendent experiences. I believe in the value of temporary suspension of disbelief, like when we're invested in a great book / movie / song; the idea espoused by numerous spiritual practitioners that a spiritual rite can be a "self-transformative psychodrama." I believe that a "nature-based" spirituality can be a very advantageous thing in the age of climate change. Above and beyond that? Multiverse Theory? Something from nothing? A conscious universe? Who the hell knows? All I know is, I need… a little something extra. I'm no great fan of science denialism. But equally, I don't have the right personality for a 7-on-the-Dawkins-scale, hard atheism.

Here's a thing that further explains some of my views quite well.

And here are two Maori songs, because I've been obsessed. Every time I listen to these songs or get to see the sea, I get an inexplicable -- and possibly incorrect -- sense that everything's going to be okay. This is the kind of shit that's been keeping me alive.





And so, may the force or forces -- whatever they are in your life -- be with you.


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## ODFFA (Aug 12, 2019)

Because you know I'm all about that


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## ODFFA (Nov 6, 2019)

My latest crafty discovery -- bead weaving. So satisfying and relaxing after a long day.


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## Tad (Nov 7, 2019)

ODFFA said:


> My latest crafty discovery -- bead weaving. So satisfying and relaxing after a long day. View attachment 133973



Those look pretty cool!


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## ODFFA (Feb 12, 2020)

Until now, some impostor syndrome had been holding me back from sharing this news...
After a while of completing a few certification & short courses, I am finally studying towards a Bachelor's degree and able to finance it myself. I am studying Psychology.

I had wanted to since before leaving school, but some gaslighting and discouraging words had convinced me that I'd never be able to work in the field of mental health. With the help of my therapist, whom I've been seeing for almost a year now, I have revived enough self-belief within me to take the plunge. Classes have started this week and I am over the moon. This is something I've dreamed of for years and now I'm finally doing it. ^_^


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## Tad (Feb 13, 2020)

Fantastic!


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## ODFFA (Feb 19, 2020)

Absolutely fantastic video. Brilliant, real and sensitively tackled. I found it a truly validating watch and I know so many others who come across it will, too.


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## ODFFA (Apr 29, 2020)

So my mom found some pics on her phone from a few years back when I was trying on glasses...


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## ODFFA (May 29, 2020)

I've been crafting like a crazy lady during lockdown. I guess it's become a form of self-care in a way. I've made:

A little beaded teapot to hang on our teaspoon holder. (Still wanna make the coffee one.)



A beaded ring for my mom for Mother's Day



A beaded ring for myself



Painted my little bureau this "Norfolk Sand" colour. So happy with it! The wood was a weird, pale pine colour before.



Done a ton of cross stitching, but haven't finished any of those yet. I learned to crochet, and I want to pick up macramé soon as well.


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## JackCivelli (May 29, 2020)

ODFFA said:


> I've been crafting like a crazy lady during lockdown. I guess it's become a form of self-care in a way. I've made:
> 
> A little beaded teapot to hang on our teaspoon holder. (Still wanna make the coffee one.)
> View attachment 136232
> ...



It all looks so nice! You must be a very crafty person.


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