# My girlfriend doesn't get why I like fat women.



## Sparrow (Sep 21, 2007)

(I hope I'm posting this on the right board.)

​My girlfriend and I have known each other for several years and have been dating since March. When we started dating, she was living in Iowa and weighed 180 lbs. She moved back to Illinois in May, and in that time, we have grown to love each other very much. She has also grown to 213 lbs. I let her know all the time how beautiful she is, but she just dismisses it. She hates her belly and wants to lose thirty pounds. Even though she is aware of how much her body turns me on, she is getting increasingly depressed. The fact that her size is so important to me makes me feel incredibly shallow, but it's one of those things I can't overlook. 


​I feel like she doesn't take my preference seriously, and that makes me feel like I'm being weird and unrealistic. It seems that most fat women, even if they say they take pride in being fat, want to be thin. That makes me feel like shit. It's like the world is saying "No lasting happiness for Matt, his love of fat women is awkward socially unacceptable".


​I just need some advice. I don't want this to end the relation ship, but it's eating away at me. If anyone could help, it would be greatly appreciated.


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## Keb (Sep 21, 2007)

Even really healthy to thin girls are told constantly, overtly and subtly, every day of their lives, that they need to lose weight to be pretty, happy, and successful. It's in all the media around us, from movies and magazines to the packaging of cheetoes (seriously!). It's not an easy thing to escape that mindset, because people (mothers, doctors, mentors, idols, friends, and men--not all, but enough of them) keep trying to stuff you right back into it. The more overweight you are, the more people feel they have a right to "worry" about you. 

It doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you and what you like. It means she doesn't understand it, because she's been brought up not to see things the way you do. Just explaining it isn't enough. Nothing may ever be enough. She looks in the mirror and she doesn't see the beauty you do. You can't make her see it, though you might be able to help. 

Suppose she did lose 30 pounds. She'd weigh about what she did when you started to date her (and probably still more than her doctor would like her to). Would that be so horrible? Would you be happier for knowing that she was happy with herself when she looked in the mirror? Do you love her enough to want her happiness over your own pleasure?

Reverse the question in your mind. Suppose a friend of yours complained that his girlfriend was gaining weight and no longer had the toned body he was attracted to. What would you tell him?


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## Stoner (Sep 21, 2007)

Matt, if you have grown to love each other in time, then things will come to a point where physical appearance simply won't matter all that much, although like you said it yourself, it's still not something that can or even should be overlooked. 

If she feels uncomfortable with her body to the point of leading her to depression, then just make sure you are there to support her like you always been, and let her know that she doesn't need to lose weight to be beautiful in your eyes. 

If she still decides to go through with it, discuss the subject with her so that she is absolutely sure that she's doing it for the right reasons, i.e. because she wants to and she feels it's important to her happiness, not because everyone else thinks she should do it. 

This is the best advice I can give you, although you seem to be in the right direction already. 

-Nuno


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## Jes (Sep 21, 2007)

Matt, what I hear you saying is not that she doesn't take your preference seriously (i.e., you haven't said she's told you that no one really likes fat women, the fetish or preference doesn't exist or is t he product of a sick mind, or any of that), but that she doesn't share your preference as it relates to her. That she doesn't want to be 213 lbs. They are 2 very separate things, and while one impacts you, certainly, it's not the same as your feelings in general being mocked or discounted. We can validate and care about what other people like, and still not choose it for ourselves. I don't know if thinking about the issue like that helps you any, but I did feel it bore mentioning.


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## Littleghost (Sep 21, 2007)

I wish I could offer some positive advice, but I think it'd be unfair to you. It *is* possible for her to change her perspective on the matter, but ultimately she has to want to. (Would you want it any other way?) And its probably going to take a long time and a lot of effort on her part. People can change, but not that fast. The best you can possibly do is be supportive without overwhelming and give her some resources to work with. Like Dimensions! Seeing that many people, men and women, embracing size can be a major boost. But the most important and _*tricky*_ thing is figuring out if she's reluctant or unwilling. She'll resent you if she thinks you're trying to make her someone else. Personal identity is a fragile, intangible thing and any real changes can be terrifying. While it would be great to get what you need/want, in the end this is about her.


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## liz (di-va) (Sep 21, 2007)

Sparrow said:


> (I hope I'm posting this on the right board.)
> My girlfriend and I have known each other for several years and have been dating since March. When we started dating, she was living in Iowa and weighed 180 lbs. She moved back to Illinois in May, and in that time, we have grown to love each other very much. She has also grown to 213 lbs. I let her know all the time how beautiful she is, but she just dismisses it. She hates her belly and wants to lose thirty pounds. Even though she is aware of how much her body turns me on, she is getting increasingly depressed. The fact that her size is so important to me makes me feel incredibly shallow, but it's one of those things I can't overlook.
> I feel like she doesn't take my preference seriously, and that makes me feel like I'm being weird and unrealistic. It seems that most fat women, even if they say they take pride in being fat, want to be thin. That makes me feel like shit. It's like the world is saying "No lasting happiness for Matt, his love of fat women is awkward socially unacceptable".
> I just need some advice. I don't want this to end the relation ship, but it's eating away at me. If anyone could help, it would be greatly appreciated.



Some thoughts (since you asked; do ignore if ye will):

Paragraph one and paragraph two don't have much to do with each other. You've happened into a relationship with a woman who has gained some weight she may or may not hang onto. There are no guarantees in life, but if you had started dating someone with your preference for fat chicks foregrounded...it might feel a little bit different now. As it is...you (more than usual) can't count on this goin the way you want to (if that's the right way to put it). Tis her body (obviously, as you know).

Also: The world is overrun with fat women hopin to be loved as they are who don't want to be thin. We aren't all out here mockin you with our fatness only wanting to take it away!

Also: in one respect it's worth noting...thirty pounds is not a big deal. I don't mean it doesn't feel that way to her--or you, in another way--but y'all might be arguing over chump change here, or arguing about something that in a funny way is not the real issue.

Anyhow, I don't know what you should do, only that doing things in the best interest of loving and respecting this woman, respecting your feelings for her, being honest about the extent of your preferences and supporting her at whatever size is good (duh). Maybe it's not all reconcilable into the same situation; maybe it is. Being young probably makes this all harder; bodies are changing, people are changing...


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## Jes (Sep 21, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Also: The world is overrun with fat women hopin to be loved as they are who don't want to be thin. We aren't all out here mockin you with our fatness only wanting to take it away!
> 
> ...



right? on one hand, i hear matt's complaint/concern again and again and again. and on the other hand, i know lots of women (here, elsewhere) who are happy and excited to be jiggly. Where's the disconnect? What's going on? Is there a Bermuda triangle alive in BBW/FA land that leaves happy fatties alone and miserable fatties partnered?

what is going on?! Where is Ken Burns when you need him? Someone needs to investigate this phenomenon.


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## activistfatgirl (Sep 21, 2007)

Jes said:


> right? on one hand, i hear matt's complaint/concern again and again and again. and on the other hand, i know lots of women (here, elsewhere) who are happy and excited to be jiggly. Where's the disconnect? What's going on? Is there a Bermuda triangle alive in BBW/FA land that leaves happy fatties alone and miserable fatties partnered?
> 
> what is going on?! Where is Ken Burns when you need him? Someone needs to investigate this phenomenon.



Yeah, I want to third this. For the young FA with a partner who's unhappy w/ her weight, it's got to be tough. I think folks are giving good advice about how to love/respect her decisions, which is crucial. I won't add there.

Just want to be totally clear, Sparrow, that there ARE fatties out there that are confident. And as Jes said, they're looking for love too. You should feel affirmed that your desires are not unnatural, weird, strange. They are what they are and there's women who either share them or are at least cool w/ being admired.

Good luck w/ your relationship!


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## Tooz (Sep 21, 2007)

This topic comes up again and again. I'll say what I say every time in regards to the advice given to the OP: for some people, appearance is just part of the equation, and it needs to be there. Some people don't need that. It doesn't actually make the people who need physical attraction more shallow-- it's hard to fight what is hard-wired in your brain.


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## liz (di-va) (Sep 21, 2007)

Jes said:


> right? on one hand, i hear matt's complaint/concern again and again and again. and on the other hand, i know lots of women (here, elsewhere) who are happy and excited to be jiggly. Where's the disconnect? What's going on? Is there a Bermuda triangle alive in BBW/FA land that leaves happy fatties alone and miserable fatties partnered?



I've said it before, but I think it's Dimensions Conundrum #1, the biggest conundrum we got here! Maldistribution...


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## Jes (Sep 21, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> I've said it before, but I think it's Dimensions Conundrum #1, the biggest conundrum we got here! Maldistribution...



(no, honey, I think those are just called 'rolls').



Good luck, Matt. I'm hoping you both do what's best for you individually, and that may mean no longer being together.


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## Sparrow (Sep 21, 2007)

Thank you all very much for your advice. This really means a lot to me. I do plan on showing her all the things I like about this website later on this week. Hopefully she will understand that I'm not the only one who thinks women like her are beautiful. Also, I need to try to support her in her decision, because she's too awesome for a loss of thirty pounds to potentially end this relationship. I just want her to understand why I feel the way I do. I will let you know how things turn out. Thank you all again for your help.

And thank you Liz for your constructive criticism. I know this wasn't my best writing, but I was incredibly tired when I wrote it.


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## Waxwing (Sep 21, 2007)

Sparrow said:


> Thank you all very much for your advice. This really means a lot to me. I do plan on showing her all the things I like about this website later on this week. Hopefully she will understand that I'm not the only one who thinks women like her are beautiful. Also, I need to try to support her in her decision, because she's too awesome for a loss of thirty pounds to potentially end this relationship. I just want her to understand why I feel the way I do. I will let you know how things turn out. Thank you all again for your help.



I can see that your intent in showing her Dims is to make her realize that she is beautiful, but if she is really depressed about her size that is going to be a tough job. It's not a bad decision on your part, just don't feel as if you've failed if she doesn't snap to attention and suddenly love her larger size. It is just such a hard road. And even if she learns and acknowledges that your preference is real and valid, that may not change her feelings about herself. 

You seem like a really good guy and I wish you much luck with this.


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## Lilbexter (Sep 21, 2007)

Hey Sparrow,

I know it must be so hard for you to see so much beauty in your girlfriend while she see's none of it herself. From personal experience, I can also see your girlfriend's point of view. Regardless of how many people tell you your beautiful, you've got to come to terms with it on your own. Unfortunately, I think the more you tell her you like her curves, the more she'll resent them. Ultimately, it's healthier that she finds acceptance on her own...even if it means (to your dismay) that she loses weight. She may never comprehend the reason you like fat women, but if you love her, she will be attractive to you for other traits than her weight. If anything, just reassure your girlfriend that whatever she does, you'll support her. Hopefully, she'll learn to accept who she is, but either way, your relationship will be better when she's happy. Hope I helped even slightly, and good luck with everything!

-Becca


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## elle camino (Sep 21, 2007)

Jes said:


> right? on one hand, i hear matt's complaint/concern again and again and again. and on the other hand, i know lots of women (here, elsewhere) who are happy and excited to be jiggly. Where's the disconnect? What's going on? Is there a Bermuda triangle alive in BBW/FA land that leaves happy fatties alone and miserable fatties partnered?
> 
> what is going on?! Where is Ken Burns when you need him? Someone needs to investigate this phenomenon.


YES. yes yes yes. 
in fact, i am going to print this post and make sweet, sweet love to it on a bearskin rug. that is how strenuously i agree with it. 


matt: it's very sweet and cool that you've acknowledged that a disagreement between you and this girl over what size she is most happy being isn't worth ending what is an otherwise great relationship. that shows your head's in the right place and you're not making too much of a mountain out of the molehill. 
and it IS possible (maybe even probable) that her opinion of her body and it's natural fatness is going to soften and change over time, and she'll become more comfortable being the size she is. but i gotta say: it's a long road, and really? no amount of admiration or adoration from a guy is going to speed that process along. unfortunately. it's the kind of thing that happens gradually, at it's own pace. i mean if one person honestly and truthfully looks up at the sky and sees purple, no amount of discussion with someone who knows it's actually blue is going to change their mind. you just gotta hope that one day they look up and see blue, y'know?
so yeah. hopefully it's true that this isn't a dealbreaker for you, because you're not going to want to hold your breath, here. she may start being ok with things by tomorrow, or it may take years and years and years. and like i said, having been through such a process myself, i'm of the opinion that there really isn't much you as an outside party can do to accelerate the process.


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## Jon Blaze (Sep 22, 2007)

elle camino said:


> YES. yes yes yes.
> in fact, i am going to print this post and make sweet, sweet love to it on a bearskin rug. that is how strenuously i agree with it.
> 
> 
> ...




I agree with this. I think you should give it some time. You can continue to give her more good energy that should can aid with her moving more towards the "I love myself regardless of any size" concept, but that can't be forced: That has to come from within. I appreciate your concern for her, but it's definitely going to take time for ground to break: Should it break.


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 22, 2007)

But you met her and started dating her at 180 pounds. I would assume that you were attracted to her then yes?

So what's the big deal if she wants to lose the extra 30 pounds that she's put on while dating you? 



Sparrow said:


> (I hope I'm posting this on the right board.)
> 
> ​My girlfriend and I have known each other for several years and have been dating since March. When we started dating, she was living in Iowa and weighed 180 lbs. She moved back to Illinois in May, and in that time, we have grown to love each other very much. She has also grown to 213 lbs. I let her know all the time how beautiful she is, but she just dismisses it. She hates her belly and wants to lose thirty pounds. Even though she is aware of how much her body turns me on, she is getting increasingly depressed. The fact that her size is so important to me makes me feel incredibly shallow, but it's one of those things I can't overlook.
> 
> ...


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## Fascinita (Sep 22, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> But you met her and started dating her at 180 pounds. I would assume that you were attracted to her then yes?
> 
> So what's the big deal if she wants to lose the extra 30 pounds that she's put on while dating you?



I second that. Or third it, as it's already been seconded above, I think.

Also, if this woman wants to lose thirty pounds, I don't think it's up to anyone to show her the supposed error or her ways (or not). If she wanted to gain thirty pounds, I would defend her right to do it without having to justify her choice before anyone. That in this case she actually wanted to lose instead of gain would not diminish my support of her decision. The most a significant other could do in a situation like this would be to make it clear that her losing thirty pounds might be a dealbreaker, then leave it to her to make up her mind what she wants to do. At that point she has a number of options, not least significant of which would be the option of saying goodbye to her boyfriend.


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## CuslonGodibb (Sep 22, 2007)

Stoner - I have to agree with on on all you're saying here.

Jes - that really is a good point.

/ CuslonGodibb



Stoner said:


> Matt, if you have grown to love each other in time, then things will come to a point where physical appearance simply won't matter all that much, although like you said it yourself, it's still not something that can or even should be overlooked.
> 
> If she feels uncomfortable with her body to the point of leading her to depression, then just make sure you are there to support her like you always been, and let her know that she doesn't need to lose weight to be beautiful in your eyes.
> 
> ...


 


Jes said:


> Matt, what I hear you saying is not that she doesn't take your preference seriously (i.e., you haven't said she's told you that no one really likes fat women, the fetish or preference doesn't exist or is t he product of a sick mind, or any of that), but that she doesn't share your preference as it relates to her. That she doesn't want to be 213 lbs. They are 2 very separate things, and while one impacts you, certainly, it's not the same as your feelings in general being mocked or discounted. We can validate and care about what other people like, and still not choose it for ourselves. I don't know if thinking about the issue like that helps you any, but I did feel it bore mentioning.


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## elle camino (Sep 22, 2007)

jes seriously, the more times i read that post of yours i quoted, the more i really want you to make that it's own thread. pretty pretty pretty please. 
i'd do it but that'd be indisputable yoinkery of your idea.


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## Ash (Sep 22, 2007)

^What she said. Seriously.


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## The Fat Man (Sep 22, 2007)

I shot you a PM Sparrow, but I guess I'll blab here to, heh.

Like I said, I'm in the same boat, a girl I love more than life itself and her viewing all of this as just "me looking at porn".. not as a community of people or an actual viewpoint on women and size. Women like your girlfriend and my soon to be wife, they've had the idea of "thin is beautiful" drilled into their skulls by family, friends and media for their entire lives and even with someone they love looking them in the eyes telling them they're beautiful the way they are, they still fall back on that insane message they've lived by their whole lives.

My girl is at a place where she's comfortable in her own skin, but still does that "harrumph" as she looks in the mirror in the morning.. regardless of the fact I rub her tummy when we're laying together, regardless of the fact I've shown her this very site and having the knowledge she's my ideal.

It's a screwy deal, but all you can do is keep on keepin' on.. love her, tell her how beautiful she is, remind her no matter what she'll always be beautiful to you. Like I said, its breaking through a whole lifetimes worth of mixed messages, magazine covers and media crap.

Hope that helps broham.


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> jes seriously, the more times i read that post of yours i quoted, the more i really want you to make that it's own thread. pretty pretty pretty please.
> i'd do it but that'd be indisputable yoinkery of your idea.



if you want to yank it (so to speak...), so long as my name is attached to it, i'm good. 
i'm not sure what you mean, exactly, but I don't care! go on! just give it a cool elle title.


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## elle camino (Sep 24, 2007)

Jes said:


> i'm not sure what you mean, exactly, but I don't care! go on! just give it a cool elle title.


y'know! that thing you said about how (paraphrasing) it's confusing that women are constantly told that confidence and self-assuredness are attractive, yet it really does appear that an AWFUL lot of self-proclaimed FAs habitually and exclusively date women who loathe being fat and have zero self confidence as a result. 
so it's like, "LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF! WE FAT ADMIRERS FIND THAT SO SEXY! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO OVER HERE AND DATE THE HELL OUT OF THIS CHICK IN LINE AT THE WEIGHT WATCHERS CLINIC, WHO STARES INTO THE MIRROR AND WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY FOR HOURS EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED, AND WHOSE ONLY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO NOT BE FAT ANYMORE! TTYL!"

that thing. 


but yeah, meh. in thread form it wouldn't really go anywhere, since nobody likes to publicly own up to their own hypocrisies and all it'd really get as far as replies would be guys who aren't like that asserting that they aren't like that.


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> that thing.
> 
> 
> but yeah, meh. in thread form it wouldn't really go anywhere, since nobody likes to publicly own up to their own hypocrisies and all it'd really get as far as replies would be guys who aren't like that asserting that they aren't like that.



ah. you missed my whole clubhouse 'unpacking the topic and laying out my theory of the BSC' post, I see. 

It was some good stuff, right there. I tackled it in the J-Log b/c it makes me nuts.


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> "LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF! WE FAT ADMIRERS FIND THAT SO SEXY! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO OVER HERE AND DATE THE HELL OUT OF THIS CHICK IN LINE AT THE WEIGHT WATCHERS CLINIC, WHO STARES INTO THE MIRROR AND WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY FOR HOURS EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED, AND WHOSE ONLY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO NOT BE FAT ANYMORE! TTYL!"
> 
> .



Also? That's a cool Elle title.

Totes.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 24, 2007)

Sparrow, every word of advice in this thread is great. Don't worry about her body image...she's with you, you like the fat, she likes you...the final quadrant of that little cycle will eventually appear. Don't be dismayed if she loses the 30 pounds either, though it's unrelated. She likely won't go thin on you. Just support what she wants to do while continuing to praise her for what you like about her anyway


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> y'know! that thing you said about how (paraphrasing) it's confusing that women are constantly told that confidence and self-assuredness are attractive, yet it really does appear that an AWFUL lot of self-proclaimed FAs habitually and exclusively date women who loathe being fat and have zero self confidence as a result.
> so it's like, "LADIES, LOVE YOURSELF! WE FAT ADMIRERS FIND THAT SO SEXY! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO OVER HERE AND DATE THE HELL OUT OF THIS CHICK IN LINE AT THE WEIGHT WATCHERS CLINIC, WHO STARES INTO THE MIRROR AND WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY FOR HOURS EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED, AND WHOSE ONLY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO NOT BE FAT ANYMORE! TTYL!"
> 
> that thing.
> ...



I think its cuz lots of men like to be that knight in shining armor. You know, the ones that come swooping in on their white horses and save the damsel in distress. Only the damsel isn't really in distress, just has low self esteem. :doh: It makes them feel important, and big. Why be with a confident woman who's sure of herself and doesn't feel like she has to settle for a guy's shit (because she knows she deserves better) when they can be with someone who's self esteem hinges on what Mr Princey thinks of them, and in turn takes whatever behavior is exhibited because God forbid he might leave?


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

i think a lot of it is a power game, whether some people realize it or want to embody it or not.
i also think that having to convince someone again and again recreates the 'chase' aspect that we lose when we're with someone for awhile. keep working to convince her to get naked and play boomboom, keep working, c'mon, SUCCESS! 'til the next time you try, of course. It's the call of the wild all over again. 
for some, thsoe 2 things are a perfect combo platter, i imagine.


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## elle camino (Sep 24, 2007)

oy. i wish you weren't exactly right about that.

edit: to ella AND jes.


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## Tad (Sep 24, 2007)

Jes said:


> i think a lot of it is a power game, whether some people realize it or want to embody it or not.
> i also think that having to convince someone again and again recreates the 'chase' aspect that we lose when we're with someone for awhile. keep working to convince her to get naked and play boomboom, keep working, c'mon, SUCCESS! 'til the next time you try, of course. It's the call of the wild all over again.
> for some, thsoe 2 things are a perfect combo platter, i imagine.



I don't know....that is not a dynamic I've seen/heard about much.....but I guess it is possible.

The one I imagine happens somewhat more is that if she thinks she is not attractive and he is with her and tells her she is attractive (but doesn't work too hard to persuade her) and wants to get his hands on her body, why then he must be a saint who sees beyond her loathsome exterior to the heart of gold inside--so he gets to constantly be the good guy to whom she is presumably grateful.

That one makes my skin crawl....mostly because it would be way too easy to fall into that one, so it super-scares me. Don't want to be that guy, but would I realize it if we started sliding that way?

-Ed


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

I had a guy here go on and on about how he was 'the good kind of FA,' not one of the creepy guys who plays head games with women, etc. And then he used that tactic (described above) on me. yeeeccch.

It takes all kinds. By no means do I think every person in this dance called I Love the Fatties is a jerk, but it does help me to think out loud about the things that continue to confuse the hell out of me.

j.


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## elle camino (Sep 24, 2007)

either way, it appears we really shot ourselves in the foot all those years ago when we decided not to hate our own bodies anymore. 


bummer. i could have sworn that seemed like a good move at the time.


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## Tad (Sep 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> either way, it appears we really shot ourselves in the foot all those years ago when we decided not to hate our own bodies anymore.
> 
> 
> bummer. i could have sworn that seemed like a good move at the time.



'Cause you'd want to be in a relationship like that??? 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most FA are not like that, and honest to god want a decent, respectful, balanced, loving relationship. 

Not to say that some are saints and some are pure scum. Most of us are a bit of both. But some people will put a higher priority on their partner's happiness and some will put a higher priority on their own security and control. It is just that sadly that the latter are the ones more apt to ask every big gal they meet, until they find someone who will put up with them. While I think the decent ones will interact with far fewer women, and settle down a lot sooner on average--meaning the ratio of interactions on the web are skewed. 

Another way to look at it: There is a group of 11 of us guys who have been friends for years. One of the 11 is a confirmed bachelor, no interest in a long term relationship. He is open to picking up women anywhere. Frankly he's pretty up front about what he is looking for, but from the point of view of stereotyped and old fashioned values call him the cad of the group. I bet he's hit on more women than the other ten of us put together. That is probably a typical ratio.

So yah, there are jerks out there, there are hypocrites (I'm sure I'm one in certain areas and degrees for that matter), there are guys who mean well who have no clue.....but I think they probably seem like a higher portion of the total than they actually are.

-Ed


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Sep 24, 2007)

Ladies this has turned into one depressing thread. I don't agree with your assessment of some FA's. I know some wonderful men, happily married in healthy relationships. People get together for so many reasons and if it works for the 2 involved - good for them.

You say FA's want to be saviors - all men want to be that White knight to some extent. I'm starting to think this is less about fat women and FA's and more about women and men.


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

edx said:


> 'Cause you'd want to be in a relationship like that???
> 
> -Ed



Oh, yeah, I'd just HATE having a guy beg me to have sex with him.


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 24, 2007)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> I'm starting to think this is less about fat women and FA's and more about women and men.




Aren't the two the same? Fat women are women, FA's are men.


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## Tad (Sep 24, 2007)

Jes said:


> Oh, yeah, I'd just HATE having a guy beg me to have sex with him.



ummm, if you were miserable about your body so you didn't really like it being touched or exposed, and were even vaguely aware that your guy liked keeping you like that as a power play....I'm thinking then you get the joyous combo of sex itself getting associated with misery and emotional manipulation. Or to put it more simply, being begged for sex is probably a lot less fun when you don't want it.

I don't know, I'm just not seeing it as a happy place.

Or maybe I'm mis-reading something? I do that :doh: Maybe we were looking at the same situation from a different angle?

Anyway, as to why so many totally cool, gorgeous, self-confident BBW here seem to have a hard time finding guys to even ask them on a date, I have not a freaking clue. Having been out of the dating market so long, I don't even know, if I were single, if I would be of any more use than a lot of the other guys....I just don't know where I'd be.

So I'll shut up about it now.

-Ed


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Sep 24, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> Aren't the two the same? Fat women are women, FA's are men.



Well yes but what I meant was this is not a problem just for fat women but for all women.


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## Jes (Sep 24, 2007)

edx said:


> , being begged for sex is probably a lot less fun when you don't want it.
> 
> .
> 
> -Ed



well, i'm looking over my calendar to see which days might be 'don't want it's and....


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> I think its cuz lots of men like to be that knight in shining armor. You know, the ones that come swooping in on their white horses and save the damsel in distress. Only the damsel isn't really in distress, just has low self esteem. :doh: It makes them feel important, and big. Why be with a confident woman who's sure of herself and doesn't feel like she has to settle for a guy's shit (because she knows she deserves better) when they can be with someone who's self esteem hinges on what Mr Princey thinks of them, and in turn takes whatever behavior is exhibited because God forbid he might leave?



Sorry, this is _all_ bullshit.

My girlfriend wasn't a confident woman of size when we met, and now she is, and I love her more for it, not less. I didn't turn down the internet to be with her; it was logical because she went to my school and I don't have a car. Oh, and she's lovely and entranced me on first notice. 

Maybe some of you have some real inspiration for these rants, but I haven't heard anything about men turning down women here who approached them for intimidating them with their self-confidence. It's good to be the "knight in shining armor" but as psychotic and antisocial as many men here are, that is hardly a reason I believe for their shortcomings as eligible bachelors.


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## mossystate (Sep 25, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> I think its cuz lots of men like to be that knight in shining armor. You know, the ones that come swooping in on their white horses and save the damsel in distress. Only the damsel isn't really in distress, just has low self esteem. :doh: It makes them feel important, and big. Why be with a confident woman who's sure of herself and doesn't feel like she has to settle for a guy's shit (because she knows she deserves better) when they can be with someone who's self esteem hinges on what Mr Princey thinks of them, and in turn takes whatever behavior is exhibited because God forbid he might leave?



Yup..I see it all the time in chat. And, it is easier to SEE in chat...to...observe..oh...yeah.


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## elle camino (Sep 25, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> Maybe some of you have some real inspiration for these rants, but I haven't heard anything about men turning down women here who approached them for intimidating them with their self-confidence.


nah, it's really not like that. or at least i haven't heard anything like that either. 
the quandary is that there seems to be SUCH a vast disconnect between what we (fat girls who are actually comfortable with being fat) hear and what we see actually happening. we _hear_ 'we like confident women! we think it's sexy when fat women are happy and content being fat!'. but we _see_ a lot of these guys turn right around and date fat women who are miserable being fat, then we (aforementioned fat girls who are actually comfortable with being fat) get asked by the FAs "hey ladies, how might i get my ladyfriend to stop being so effing miserable about being fat? it's super annoying and i hate it!" and at a certain point it's like UGH. why is this happening? at the very least, realize that if you KNOW you want A but you knowingly choose B, don't be surprised or chagrined by the fact that you are ending up with B and not A. 
does that make sense? it's not "oh noes, my raging self confidence has scared off yet another hapless FA." it's "if you dig self confident fat women, you are literally adrift in an ocean of self confident fat women. why not go get one?" it's fucking confusing!
so, naturally, we do what thinking human beings do when confronted with a confusing situation. we try to rationalize WHY it might be happening, and the 'FA hero complex' (where's the trademark symbol on a standard keyboard, again?), whether universally applicable or not (i'm sure it's not), is a pretty tidy little explanation.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> nah, it's really not like that. or at least i haven't heard anything like that either.
> the quandary is that there seems to be SUCH a vast disconnect between what we (fat girls who are actually comfortable with being fat) hear and what we see actually happening. we _hear_ 'we like confident women! we think it's sexy when fat women are happy and content being fat!'. but we _see_ a lot of these guys turn right around and date fat women who are miserable being fat, then we (aforementioned fat girls who are actually comfortable with being fat) get asked by the FAs "hey ladies, how might i get my ladyfriend to stop being so effing miserable about being fat? it's super annoying and i hate it!" and at a certain point it's like UGH. why is this happening? at the very least, realize that if you KNOW you want A but you knowingly choose B, don't be surprised or chagrined by the fact that you are ending up with B and not A.
> does that make sense? it's not "oh noes, my raging self confidence has scared off yet another hapless FA." it's "if you dig self confident fat women, you are literally adrift in an ocean of self confident fat women. why not go get one?" it's fucking confusing!
> so, naturally, we do what thinking human beings do when confronted with a confusing situation. we try to rationalize WHY it might be happening, and the 'FA hero complex' (where's the trademark symbol on a standard keyboard, again?), whether universally applicable or not (i'm sure it's not), is a pretty tidy little explanation.




But when you say they "turn around and do this this and this," I mean, you're sure it's the same dudes? It's a tidy explanation indeed and I don't have any more evidence to contrast it than you have to confirm it except: it's easier for FAs to ask out a fat girl in real life than it is for BBWs to spot FAs (sadly, sadly, sadly).


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## elle camino (Sep 25, 2007)

yeah once i posted that i realized it kinda sounded like i was talking about the guy who posted this thread in the first place, which i'm absolutely not. i don't know the guy at all, so for all i know he was out there looking for a broad who can't stand her body. your guess is as good as mine. 
i guess it's just kind of a general consensus thing. i mean have you ever heard a guy around here say anything other than 'i like fat chicks, and i like them to LIKE being fat'?, when it comes to, yknow...talking about what we like? so it's strange when so many guys turn up asking how to coax their ladies out of hating themselves for being the size they are.

it's pretty analogous to like the single most age-old complaint men have about dating women: the whole 'girls _say _they want a nice guy, but then they all go out with raging assholes' thing. same kinda disconnect, same general sense of wtf?
and really, as women, we all kinda know the answer to that one. the elder sister to the FA hero complex- the florence nightingale complex. 'oh i know he SEEMS like an asshole, but there really is a nice guy inside there and only *I* have a patient and nurturing enough soul to bring it out of him', yada yada yada. sounds a lot like 'oh i know she's miserable and unhappy with her body now, but give her enough time with me, captain FA, and i'll save her from her own insecurities I JUST KNOW IT.' 
so, yeah.


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 25, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> Sorry, this is _all_ bullshit.
> 
> My girlfriend wasn't a confident woman of size when we met, and now she is, and I love her more for it, not less. I didn't turn down the internet to be with her; it was logical because she went to my school and I don't have a car. Oh, and she's lovely and entranced me on first notice.
> 
> Maybe some of you have some real inspiration for these rants, but I haven't heard anything about men turning down women here who approached them for intimidating them with their self-confidence. It's good to be the "knight in shining armor" but as psychotic and antisocial as many men here are, that is hardly a reason I believe for their shortcomings as eligible bachelors.




Maybe its all bullshit to _you_ but you're a _guy_ and you wont be able to see it from the woman's point of view. I'm also pretty sure that I didn't say _all_ men, granted I said lots, but lots doesn't mean all. Great for you for having a girlfiend who's self esteem has grown during your relationship with her, but that's not always how it goes. All I was saying is that there ARE men who prefer to be with women with poor self esteem either because; A. they like having a woman who's dependant upon their approval for their self esteem or B. they like feeling like the hero, taking a poor girl who didn't feel good about herself and turning that around. You can be upset if you want, you can call it bullshit if you want, but I've seen it happen. It hasn't turned me against men or anything, I'm just calling it how I've seen it. We have a whole thread about catty women, why shouldn't I be just as honest about some male behavior that I've observed. 

If it offended you I'm sorry, but I wasn't talking about you.


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## The Orange Mage (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> yeah once i posted that i realized it kinda sounded like i was talking about the guy who posted this thread in the first place, which i'm absolutely not. i don't know the guy at all, so for all i know he was out there looking for a broad who can't stand her body. your guess is as good as mine.
> i guess it's just kind of a general consensus thing. i mean have you ever heard a guy around here say anything other than 'i like fat chicks, and i like them to LIKE being fat'?, when it comes to, yknow...talking about what we like? so it's strange when so many guys turn up asking how to coax their ladies out of hating themselves for being the size they are.
> 
> it's pretty analogous to like the single most age-old complaint men have about dating women: the whole 'girls _say _they want a nice guy, but then they all go out with raging assholes' thing. same kinda disconnect, same general sense of wtf?
> ...



Wow. Interesting. Good points. Especially that last paragraph.


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## troubadours (Sep 25, 2007)

i didn't really read all the posts here. soooo, the OP, i see it like this:

1. you demonstrate why (with her, not by pointing out other girls. this could set her even further back if you're trying to make her comfortable with HER body. i know this.)
2. break up with her if you can't deal with it. it's not fair to either of you. and obviously if you need to come seeking advice (which i'm guessing you didn't discuss with her?) there's already problems.

also, i agree that it's not like she's completely acting out against your preferences to be spiteful. she clearly has her own preferences and just because they don't match up with yours doesn't mean she's trying to hurt you.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> yeah once i posted that i realized it kinda sounded like i was talking about the guy who posted this thread in the first place, which i'm absolutely not. i don't know the guy at all, so for all i know he was out there looking for a broad who can't stand her body. your guess is as good as mine.
> i guess it's just kind of a general consensus thing. i mean have you ever heard a guy around here say anything other than 'i like fat chicks, and i like them to LIKE being fat'?, when it comes to, yknow...talking about what we like? so it's strange when so many guys turn up asking how to coax their ladies out of hating themselves for being the size they are.
> 
> it's pretty analogous to like the single most age-old complaint men have about dating women: the whole 'girls _say _they want a nice guy, but then they all go out with raging assholes' thing. same kinda disconnect, same general sense of wtf?
> ...



There _is_ kind of an FA hero thing...it feels good to lift a girl out of her sexlife slump! What's wrong is the ego part, the idea that she "needs" you or manipulating her to think so. I don't think anyone here consciously avoids confident, extroverted fat women because they're intimidated, anymore than if they were into thin women and wouldn't just walk up to a girl who intimidates them because she's confident and extroverted.

I mean, if you want an admission that there's a dom/sub thing dichotomy in fas/bbws, yeah. Plenty of bbws are being asked out by guys who feel like they have a degree of "control" they normally don't. I just don't believe other bbws are being avoided in favor of it. I can't speak for every girl here, but the ones I've talked to have been approached by innumberable amounts of FAs in the chat, private messages, myspace. It's just a matter of sorting out the creeps, and some women here have a better compass for that. What makes you think (no offense to the original poster or other exceptions) the women with no self-esteem are always snagging the pick of the litter? Nothing suggests they have a standard if they're desperate.


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## elle camino (Sep 25, 2007)

yeah i don't think anyone's assuming that all the guys who go for miserable fat chicks are 'the pick of the litter'. i'm sure some of them are perfectly great, and a good number of them are creepy creepertons. it's probably the same kind of crapshoot you encounter with any other cross section of the population. nor am i really saying that confident fat chicks are ignored by FAs simply because they're confident. what i AM saying is that it seems pretty simple: if you'd rather be with a fat chick who likes being fat, why not date one of the innumerable fat chicks who like being fat, instead of....y'know. a fixer-upper?
like pretty much every woman who posted on the first page or two of this thread pointed out - getting over your self hatred when you're a fat girl is a fucking arduous task. it takes a long time, it's hard work, and it's ridiculously easy for like one bad experience to set you back years in the process. so, to go through all of that on your own, without any outside help from some dude who digs your backrolls, and emerge on the other side confident and happy with your size only to find out that it's done basically nothing to make you more desirable as a person to mr. average fat admirer? kinda sucks. you're over here liking your body just fine all by yourself while miss hatesherself is over there fending off a phalanx of guys desperate for the opportunity to spend years convincing her that she's actually not gross. it's just confusing and discouraging and shitty. 
is all i'm saying.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

Heh. I still disagree. I really feel your frustration on it, I do. But from my angle I'm offended, because by that logic, the unconfident fat women of the world don't deserve to be enlightened because there's this line of women who are already waiting and got here first.

This is going to get some real hate, but from the sound of it, are the women here approaching guys themselves on Dimensions and actually being rejected? It *sounds* like *some* of the people complaining here are sitting around waiting to be swept off their feet. Elle, you're one of many intelligent, good-looking folks on this board who I think has a fairly decent chance of actively "hunting" for it without disappointment. Sorry if this post appalls a bunch of you, I don't actually know most of you, just how this *sounds* I don't mean to offend with my speculation.


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## elle camino (Sep 25, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> This is going to get some real hate, but from the sound of it, are the women here approaching guys themselves on Dimensions and actually being rejected? It *sounds* like *some* of the people complaining here are sitting around waiting to be swept off their feet. Elle, you're one of many intelligent, good-looking folks on this board who I think has a fairly decent chance of actively "hunting" for it without disappointment. Sorry if this post appalls a bunch of you, I don't actually know most of you, just how this *sounds* I don't mean to offend with my speculation.


hahaha. dude.
you'd be surprised.

is all i'll say.


and yeah yknow, actually, i AM kinda saying that women with zero self confidence deserve attention and love a little less than women who've put in the work to get it on their own. a lot of people will disagree and that's fine, but yeah. i don't personally see what so wrong with that. 
me, i dig chubby dudes. a lot. so the sad-fat-man thing is something i'm unfortunately pretty familiar with. 
and if i'm faced with a choice between dating a cute chubby guy who loathes his body, who subscribes to men's health and watches bowflex commercials at 1 AM as some form of self flagellation, or a cute chubby guy who knows he's hot shit and is all like 'hell yes you love my belly. why wouldn't you? it's great!', there's no fucking question who i'm going for. if the first guy ever decides to wise up and quit hating who he naturally is, his desirability skyrockets, and that's how it should be. 
imo.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> hahaha. dude.
> you'd be surprised.
> 
> is all i'll say.



Obviously I am! I mean, I was shocked my beautiful Jenny hadn't had a boyfriend yet either. For the record, I thought at the time that she was actually more of an "in-crowd" socialite than she was, so all that "initiation/helping her confidence" stuff came out on the first date, not when I first selected her with my eyes.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 25, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> I think its cuz lots of men like to be that knight in shining armor. You know, the ones that come swooping in on their white horses and save the damsel in distress. Only the damsel isn't really in distress, just has low self esteem. :doh: It makes them feel important, and big. Why be with a confident woman who's sure of herself and doesn't feel like she has to settle for a guy's shit (because she knows she deserves better) when they can be with someone who's self esteem hinges on what Mr Princey thinks of them, and in turn takes whatever behavior is exhibited because God forbid he might leave?



My read on the whole thing is that these guys didn't start out dating a REALLY fat woman...only a chubby one that got fatter and it turned them on. I mean, there aren't any women already fat enough for them? Why did they date a woman thinner than what they prefer to begin with is the question in my mind.


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## AnnMarie (Sep 25, 2007)

Sparrow said:


> It seems that most fat women, even if they say they take pride in being fat, want to be thin. That makes me feel like shit. It's like the world is saying "No lasting happiness for Matt, his love of fat women is awkward socially unacceptable".



Just keep in mind that "most" is not "all". I'm a happy fat girl, have been for years, and have no inner desire to be thin (unless it could be done with a button for traveling and movie theater seats... that would RULE!!!) 

Good luck with the girlfriend, but if she's unhappy with herself, then you've pretty much got your answer. Your preference can be important, but it will never be (and should not ever be) more important that how she feels about herself... so she's got to be the one in control of that. 

I'm not going to say that if you love her it shouldn't matter, I know it plays a role in a relationship and I think it's dismissive to act like it shouldn't matter to you. However, your questions are "how" important is it? If it's important for you to have a much bigger girl than 180, then the relationship is doomed and staying in it is unfair to both of you. Physical attraction plays a role and putting it off only makes things more difficult.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> My read on the whole thing is that these guys didn't start out dating a REALLY fat woman...only a chubby one that got fatter and it turned them on. I mean, there aren't any women already fat enough for them? Why did they date a woman thinner than what they prefer to begin with is the question in my mind.



One thing about this and Elle's last post I'd like to note: you meet who you meet. Even on the internet it's not like you can customize this stuff. Maybe you like 350 pound women and the only one you've connected with is 340. To date is to compromise.

My ex was like, 130 lbs and we went out for two years. Not gonna lie; started craving the chub. But personality alone carried it pretty far. Then I met new missus...personality and a bod! It just happened like that. You have to decide when it's worth settling down or still looking, but you're probably never going to get it exactly perfect, or else you'd be dating yourself with tits or a dick.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> hahaha. dude.
> you'd be surprised.
> 
> is all i'll say.
> ...




But you know what? Sometimes the miserable guy is "the guy"! And sometimes he's not. Sparrow's trying to figure this out right now.


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## elle camino (Sep 25, 2007)

why would the miserable guy be 'the guy'. if what i claim to be looking for is someone who's not miserable? aren't i then encouraging one thing but rewarding not just another, but the complete opposite of what i'm encouraging? 
i dunno. it's just baffling from my perspective. we're gonna have to agree to disagree.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> why would the miserable guy be 'the guy'. if what i claim to be looking for is someone who's not miserable? aren't i then encouraging one thing but rewarding not just another, but the complete opposite of what i'm encouraging?
> i dunno. it's just baffling from my perspective. we're gonna have to agree to disagree.



Because there situations like Sparrow and there are situations like Troubadours, though admittedly she didn't hate herself, but she wasn't enthused either and feeling sexy was not an option. Sometimes they can be taught, and sometimes it's worth it.


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## elle camino (Sep 25, 2007)

elle camino said:


> we're gonna have to agree to disagree.



ten characters


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 25, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> Because there situations like Sparrow and there are situations like Troubadours, though admittedly she didn't hate herself, but she wasn't enthused either and feeling sexy was not an option. Sometimes they can be taught, and sometimes it's worth it.



You know to ask you now if you had to choose between your girlfriend (if she hated herself) and a girl who was exactly like your girlfriend (but just loved herself) would be kinda stupid and put you in an awkward position. So let me tell you of my experience, I got married when I was 19. I hadn't really found myself, I didn't really like my body, I felt ugly and unattractive most times. When my then husband would compliment me by telling me I was beautiful or sexy, I'd look away, call him a liar or constantly compare myself to other women. After a while he got really tired of constantly trying to boost my self confidence only to be called a liar and have his opinions discounted. During the course of our relationship I began to learn to love myself, mostly because of the internet and things I was exposed to online. I began to see myself in a different light. My husband viewed this as my not really needing him anymore (retarded I know, but he said it not me) and he went out looking for and found another fat woman who wasn't comfortable with being fat.


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## ZainTheInsane (Sep 25, 2007)

I just felt I needed to comment...like I always do...

Anyway, I recently met this amazing girl...she's smart, funny, goofy, playful, interesting, spunky, likes cars, enjoys watching sports, loves playing video games, has the same sense of humor I do, likes reading, can cook (I can cook too, so no snide comments from the ladies...we both cooked breakfast  ), and dozens of other things which I enjoy about her.

For all of this, I have two problems with her...one I care about, and one which is not important at all.

She's thin, and she smokes...

Now tell me...which problem do you think I have a problem with?


hint...it isn't that she's thin.


Now considering my preference...yes I like big girls...very big girls...does this mean she has to be a big girl for me to love her?

NO, it doesn't. As my signature says..."You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her." 

And I think anyone can stick to that...a preference is a preference...love is love...don't get the two confused. However, they are not mutually exclusive either.

So, here's my advice. If you truly love her...then love her. If you're considering ending the relationship because she, a product of a society of women bred to hate themselves if they are fat, then maybe there was no point to the relationship at all? A person shouldn't have to change what they look like to please their partner...and maybe that's my idealistic and naive philosophy...maybe I've changed since I first came into this hallowed hall of size-acceptance.

Whatever the case, love her for who she is...not what she could be, or what fantasies and fetishes you have...if it is that deep a feeling of caring, then support her, and make her feel like she's amazing...because if she makes you feel butterflies, and an amazing feeling that you can't explain or describe...and she makes you smile whenever she walks into the room...then maybe those several pounds aren't as important anymore.

And now I'm ranting...anyway...my point is lost in there somewhere...I think...


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## exile in thighville (Sep 26, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> You know to ask you now if you had to choose between your girlfriend (if she hated herself) and a girl who was exactly like your girlfriend (but just loved herself) would be kinda stupid and put you in an awkward position. So let me tell you of my experience, I got married when I was 19. I hadn't really found myself, I didn't really like my body, I felt ugly and unattractive most times. When my then husband would compliment me by telling me I was beautiful or sexy, I'd look away, call him a liar or constantly compare myself to other women. After a while he got really tired of constantly trying to boost my self confidence only to be called a liar and have his opinions discounted. During the course of our relationship I began to learn to love myself, mostly because of the internet and things I was exposed to online. I began to see myself in a different light. My husband viewed this as my not really needing him anymore (retarded I know, but he said it not me) and he went out looking for and found another fat woman who wasn't comfortable with being fat.



Well to answer your first question (and no offense to Jenny circa 2006), I prefer my girlfriend loving herself more now than she did then (she definitely prefers me now to some of the dipshit stuff I pulled then, too). To answer the implied question, no, all men aren't like that. I'm really sorry about your marraige, though. Not doubting you on the last bit, but I'm curious how you found out the new woman wasn't comfortable with being fat?


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## troubadours (Sep 26, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> Well to answer your first question (and no offense to Jenny circa 2006), I prefer my girlfriend loving herself more now than she did then (she definitely prefers me now to some of the dipshit stuff I pulled then, too).



us now FTW


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 26, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> Well to answer your first question (and no offense to Jenny circa 2006), I prefer my girlfriend loving herself more now than she did then (she definitely prefers me now to some of the dipshit stuff I pulled then, too). To answer the implied question, no, all men aren't like that. I'm really sorry about your marraige, though. Not doubting you on the last bit, but I'm curious how you found out the new woman wasn't comfortable with being fat?



There was no implied question, I never said nor assumed that all men were that way.  I found out because I knew her.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 26, 2007)

Ella Bella said:


> There was no implied question, I never said nor assumed that all men were that way.  I found out because I knew her.



That is really terrible. And I see why you're distrustful. But there's some and there's others I guess.


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 26, 2007)

dan ex machina said:


> That is really terrible. And I see why you're distrustful. But there's some and there's others I guess.



yeah it was terrible, but its nothing special. Happens to lots of women (and men) every day fat or thin. I dont feel that I'm any more distrustful than your average girl because of it though.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 26, 2007)

Elle, Can I ask you something? The confident, chubby guys you like, are they around? Like, have you actually been in a situation to "choose" them over the depressed guy? I'm not saying to like, "get desperate," but the only point I was trying to make is that maybe you haven't been successful because you're automatically choosing A over B. At very worst, attempting to date out of the ordinary will heighten your perspective.


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## elle camino (Sep 26, 2007)

...huh?
dude that was a random analogy i made in an attempt to explain my perspective on the whole FAs dating miserable fat chicks issue. i wasn't actually saying that choosing between a miserable chubby guy and a happy one is something i do (or have to opportunity to do) regularly. 

beyond that, i really don't get the question. i decided a while ago that i wasn't interested in dating another guy who doesn't have a definite preference for fat women, so THAT's pretty much the only issue as far as _my_ love life (specifically) is concerned. 
namely that there really aren't any around me. at all.

if i wanted to date another guy who never dates fatties, who won't hold my hand in public, who won't introduce me to his friends, and who won't touch anything but my boobs in the sack, then i could be off the market by like 10 PM tonight.


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## elle camino (Sep 26, 2007)

*have _the_ opportunity to do.
grrhrghrgrr @ time limits for post editing.


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## exile in thighville (Sep 27, 2007)

elle camino said:


> if i wanted to date another guy who never dates fatties, who won't hold my hand in public, who won't introduce me to his friends, and who won't touch anything but my boobs in the sack, then i could be off the market by like 10 PM tonight.



My bad. Don't stoop to that shit.


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## Big D Guy (Sep 27, 2007)

All of the posters brought up good issues and I really enjoyed reading the back and forth here with Ella, Elle and Dan.

Back to Sparrows issue as there are some other things to think about...

Was she happy at 180 lb or when she was at 180 did she desire to be 150, at 150 would she want to be 130...

He states that "she doesn't take my preference seriously" but also says that "her size is so important to me" and "it's one of those things I can't overlook." 

This does not describe a preference but a fetish or obsession. Not that there is anything wrong with that in itself, but it is beyond a preference and indicates a deeper issue here. If I prefer red heads, I would not consider it a deal breaker to be with a blonde and would not be upset if she did not heed my calls about how hot she would look as a red head.

If you decide to wait for her self acceptance about her size at least you can rest easy knowing that misery loves company.


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