# Why I'm an out FA (and you should be too)



## Wild Zero (Nov 24, 2010)

I'm exceedingly open about my preference outside of Dimensions and really, why shouldn't I be open about what brings me joy? But as it's around the holidays I find myself reflecting on a deeper reason for my openness. It's intimately connected to other thoughts I always have around the holidays; memories of my uncle George, he passed away when I was 7, and our last Christmas together. 

When you're a child from a big family you keep a constantly shifting mental ranking of favorite uncles, you might like your mom's younger brother more because he plays video games with you or takes you out to play basketball when he visits. The uncle who goofs on you might rise and fall in the rankings depending on the ratio of funny to mean spirited jokes. And if you're really lucky you might have one who talks to you without patronization but still knows how to be a kid; George was that uncle. 

I didn't know our last Christmas was going to be that, I just remember being excited that he was taking me downtown to watch the tree lighting ceremony at the Prudential Center for what seemed like months. He picked me up at around 8am and we walked to the subway station, as we walked he told me the reason we were leaving so early was that he wanted me to help pick out gifts for everyone, Everyone? my voice trembled with being trusted with such a grown up task. Everyone George knew he was dying, nobody else did, so when he said Everyone he literally meant every family member even if it meant dealing with my impatient outbursts as we waited in several department stores for credit card applications to go through. For the most part the cards approved and from there I'd get to work in my gift helper duties, pointing out all the toys my sister and I wanted or helping pick which couch I thought my grandmother would like the most. Then we'd check out, cart and arms full of merchandise, cash register flashing numbers higher than any I'd seen in my 1st grade math class and the zip-zip of a manual imprinter signaling that it was time to leave. We crisscrossed the city for hours; Green Line to Orange Line to Red Line, bringing piles of gifts back to George's apartment until about an hour before the tree lighting ceremony. 

That's probably the last memory I have of George before he got really sick. He was in the hospital for most of that spring and summer before passing away shortly after my 7th birthday in hospice care. Nobody knew he was sick until then because he'd been afraid to tell any of us, about his illness or sexuality as this was back when the two were foolishly linked to one another. George loved us, but he didn't know if we'd love him back had we known. I remember my mom telling this shortly after he went into the hospital and even at 6 I found myself disgusted by the idea that I or anyone I knew who knew my uncle Georgie would stop loving him for being sick or different. 

The other thing that really sticks with me from my uncle's time living in the hospital was that his mind started to fade, he couldn't remember the names of objects or most faces (my mom explained ADC to my sister and I: You know how uncle Georgie likes to smoke? Ok, so because he doesn't know what a cigarette is called anymore he might call it a zebra but make a sign to show he wants to smoke, understand?) but he remembered my sister and I. I liked going to see him and seeing his face light up; it made me feel really special, just like when he'd given me all that responsibility as the gift helper. I'd ask my parents when Georgie was coming home virtually every day; gradually the answers shifted from when he feels better to maybe a few months to uncertainty. The last time we visited him at the hospital I knew he was going to die, my mom sat me down and let me know that Georgie was going into a hospice and what that meant taking care to use fluffy terms like drift away that made me imagine him sailing a skiff into forever. 

We went to the hospital that afternoon, I sat down in the chair outside George's room and refused to go in after catching a glimpse of his bony frame lying on the bed. I stayed in the chair for an interminable amount of time while I could hear Georgie asking my parents why I wasn't there, staring at my shoes until I couldn't stand counting the number of stitches making up Donatello's staff. Looking at the patient chart high on the wall across from me trying not to cry as Georgie,who could hardly remember anything anymore, turned every conversation back to asking where I had gone and when I was going to visit. 

I was terrified by the experience and refused to go to his wake or funeral and over years the memory took on all sorts of guilt and shame, as I matured my rational mind understood that my uncle's mental state was so diminished by his illness that he really wouldn't have processed our last visit, that he already moved on to an extent. But I still felt like one of the people he would have been afraid to tell, I felt like I had rejected and shamed him. And at some point as a young adult I realized that the only way to work through those feelings was being honest and open with the people who loved me. My uncle Georgie was afraid because he didn't know if he could be open with us and because of that fear I feel like I never got a chance to make the most of my time with him. And when I had a chance to say goodbye I was too frightened by the idea of mortality to step into a room. 

Compared to the stigma of being gay or living with HIV/AIDS in the '80s being an FA is nothing. I'm out because it's the least I can do for a girl who gives me so much joy, because I love the amazing friends I've made since getting involved in this community, because honesty is the only way to live and for my uncle Georgie.


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## Donna (Nov 24, 2010)

I cannot rep you right now, but I will get back to you. Thank you for sharing this very touching story.


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## AnnMarie (Nov 24, 2010)

Awww J, you're a gem. 

Awesome reasoning for living a life that's true to you and self-directed. George would be proud of you.


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## DearPrudence (Nov 24, 2010)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Please, don't be so hard on yourself about your uncle. You were a baby yet, and that stuff is hard for adults to deal with, let alone dealing as a child.

On another note, I never really understood the whole "coming out" as an FA. I guess it confuses me in the sense that, why should you even have to explain yourself? Date who you want and let people come to their own conclusions. 

Of course, I wouldn't ever date a man who was ashamed of me, but I think I'd be a little leery about a guy who shouted that he was an FA from the rooftops, bc I'd feel like maybe I was just another fatty instead of someone he was interested in for something besides a number on a scale.


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## Luv2BNaughty (Nov 24, 2010)

Not to take any focus away from the original content, but this was so beautifully written.


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## DearPrudence (Nov 24, 2010)

Luv2BNaughty said:


> Not to take any focus away from the original content, but this was so beautifully written.



I totally agree!


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## Scorsese86 (Nov 24, 2010)

What a well-written and moving story! A rep is sent. Thank you for sharing this very personal story. 

It is important to be yourself. I am an FA, and very open about it.


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## Jay West Coast (Nov 24, 2010)

Cheers to this, man. One of the better threads I've seen cooked up in a while. Well done.


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## spiritangel (Nov 24, 2010)

Thank you so much for sharing

treasure the wonderful memories and forgive yourself for the rest.

Beautifully written and very moving.


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## Carrie (Nov 24, 2010)

What a good egg you are, J. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with AM; I think George would be terribly proud of his nephew. 

I will never understand why, in the greater scheme of things, anyone gives two shits about who loves who in this world. It's hard enough to find lasting love; why on earth begrudge anyone's good fortune in having found it? I say mind your own business, love who you love and bask in it when they love you back.


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## LovelyLiz (Nov 24, 2010)

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

You're such a witty, sharp guy, J., and I'm not at all surprised to see that incisive insightfulness giving you such a healthy and lovely perspective on life and the things you've experienced. It's no wonder you have such good people around you, bringing you joy - as I'm sure they'd say the exact same about you.


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## furious styles (Nov 24, 2010)

i can relate all too well. thanks for sharing WZ.


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## BothGunsBlazing (Nov 24, 2010)

thank you for sharing this story, very touching. Anytime you can look back on tragedy and turn it into a positive thing is well, inspiring to say the least. As this thread should be to anyone still unsure about what direction to go in when it comes to their preference regarding anything in life.


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## BBWTexan (Nov 24, 2010)

I already said it once today, but it's far more true and appropriate now... J, you're my hero.


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## Weirdo890 (Nov 24, 2010)

Well-done my friend. You have touched my heart. I know that your uncle would be proud of the man you've become. :happy:


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## bigsexy920 (Nov 24, 2010)

What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing your memory..... 


And yes - your last lines in your post are so true.


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## ThatFatGirl (Nov 24, 2010)

Beautiful post. Thank you.


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## Blackjack (Nov 24, 2010)

One of the greatest things I've read on these forums. This was touching and honest and just one more reason why I love you so frakking much.


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## tonynyc (Nov 24, 2010)

Thanks for sharing your experiences ... what a great post


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## LillyBBBW (Nov 24, 2010)

_"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Wild Zero again."​_
You are just too awesome J. Thank you for taking the time to express this heartfelt message.


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## liz (di-va) (Nov 24, 2010)

I'm sorry you lost your uncle; he sounds like an amazing guy, and that was an amazing story. It makes me think about an aunt I was too scared to say goodbye to myself, but I think you can know he knew how much you loved him.

Happy Holidays


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## Still a Skye fan (Nov 25, 2010)

What a beautiful and touching story. I also had an Uncle George, who was special to me and died some years back.

Live your life, we only get one.

Thank you for sharing


Dennis


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## Emma (Nov 25, 2010)

Thank you for telling your story.


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## Shosh (Nov 25, 2010)

How very touching. Thank you for sharing memories of your Uncle George with us.
xo


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## mz_puss (Nov 25, 2010)

rep sent good man, thank you for being brave, inspirational and profound, You are a great person  I love seeing people like you exist in this world ! :bow:


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## jewels_mystery (Nov 25, 2010)

Rep ya. Thank you for sharing such a emotional experience. It touched my heart.


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## Wild Zero (Nov 25, 2010)

So many responses, I'd love to respond to everyone individually when time permits (ie. sometime tomorrow). I'm overwhelmed by all your support, thank you so much.


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## Ash (Nov 25, 2010)

You're a good man, and a good FA, and I'm so happy to call you a good friend.


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## supersoup (Nov 25, 2010)

Rad story J, I already knew you were a good dude, I just know one of the reasons why now. Woot for living a proud life.


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## natepogue (Nov 25, 2010)

I'm gonna call cigarettes zebras from now on


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## superodalisque (Nov 26, 2010)

thanks for writing this. i had a brother who died of AIDS back in the dark age 80s so i feel ya. its amazing how much someone's leaving this life can teach you so much about how to stay in it.


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## gobettiepurple (Nov 26, 2010)

Wild Zero said:


> I'm exceedingly open about my preference outside of Dimensions and really, why shouldn't I be open about what brings me joy? But as it's around the holidays I find myself reflecting on a deeper reason for my openness. It's intimately connected to other thoughts I always have around the holidays; memories of my uncle George, he passed away when I was 7, and our last Christmas together.
> 
> When you're a child from a big family you keep a constantly shifting mental ranking of favorite uncles, you might like your mom's younger brother more because he plays video games with you or takes you out to play basketball when he visits. The uncle who goofs on you might rise and fall in the rankings depending on the ratio of funny to mean spirited jokes. And if you're really lucky you might have one who talks to you without patronization but still knows how to be a kid; George was that uncle.
> 
> ...



Wow . . . that was a very interesting story. I wish I could rep you, but I am all out.


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## bmann0413 (Nov 27, 2010)

Wow, dude. That's one of the most heartfelt reasons I've ever heard. Kudos to you, good sir.


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## butch (Nov 27, 2010)

Thanks so much for this post, it may well be the best thing I've read on Dims. As a queer fattie, this post resonates in so many ways, and I'm glad to see how it has touched so many of us in this community. Thanks a million times over for your compassion and empathy, and I know you're doing good work in the community with your out FA life.


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## thirtiesgirl (Nov 27, 2010)

Thanks for sharing and being so open with us.


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## Paquito (Nov 27, 2010)

I couldn't even put words in my rep to express how incredible you are, J.


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## Famouslastwords (Nov 27, 2010)

This is a wonderful post. I'm glad it got brought to my attention.


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## Chimpi (Nov 28, 2010)

I really appreciate you sharing a little piece of your history and allowing us/me the pleasure of understanding a different perspective of "being open, being honest and being yourself." It's a great philosophy, and though it had to come from learning it in a sad but true manner, at least you hold onto it.


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## iglooboy55 (Nov 28, 2010)

This is beautifully written, probably the best post I've ever seen on dims. Kudos.
My reason for being open: If people are going to judge you by what you find attractive, they probably aren't the people you want to be friends with in the first place.


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## activistfatgirl (Nov 28, 2010)

Having been an evangelical for some years back, Wild Zero's time and heart won't be will served if we don't have a "come to Jesus" altar call. 

So who's pledging to live and love fearlessly? Who's going to post a real picture of themselves? Who's going to ask that girl out your friends make fun of?

Also, I'll break you in. I require dinner and a nice pair of earrings, and some eager back rubbing.

But I'm serious. Get over it.


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## Wild Zero (Nov 29, 2010)

I wrote my story and posted all within around 20 minutes, not really expecting much of a response, just because it was something that'd been on my mind all day (half-day at work gave me plenty of time to reminisce on my uncle and a closeted FA I know IRL). I closed my browser hoping someone might appreciate my story and played a computer game for a little bit, worked out and cleaned house. I didn't expect the incredibly broad and positive response my thread had picked up when I finally logged back in a few hours later and I found that really heartening. From the responses on the thread to rep comments I saw a mix of new, regular and I guess you could call them lapsed posters moved by the story; I know everyone goes through periods where they're burnt out on this forum but it's still great to see the compassionate community that made me join in the first place still exists.

Tiffany really nailed it on that last post, I wanted to share my experience and reason for being "out" because I think Dimensions is at its best when people are open and feel like they have a safe place to share themselves. So yeah:



> Who's pledging to live and love fearlessly? Who's going to post a real picture of themselves? Who's going to ask that girl out your friends make fun of?


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## graphicsgal (Nov 30, 2010)

That, sir, was an amazing story. Thank you so very much for sharing it.


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## willowmoon (Nov 30, 2010)

I meant to chime in on this one as well when I first read it. Not only was it well-written, I liked the message as well.


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## Wild Zero (Mar 27, 2011)

After the events of tonight I'd say this thread's pretty relevant. 

Get your mind right, follow your heart. They're one in the same.


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## liz (di-va) (Mar 27, 2011)

Wild Zero said:


> After the events of tonight I'd say this thread's pretty relevant.
> Get your mind right, follow your heart. They're one in the same.


wot?.......


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## Wild Zero (Mar 27, 2011)

liz (di-va) said:


> wot?.......



Closeted friend of mine, I'm posting from a phone so I can't post links but if you do a boardsearch for "PowerPoint" and my un you'll see the story.


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## Mathias (Mar 27, 2011)

That was fantastic! Thanks so much for sharing it.


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## luscious_lulu (Mar 28, 2011)

A beautifully written post & very moving. Thank you for sharing.


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## Wholelottarosie78 (Apr 6, 2011)

Thank you for sharing... made me tear up a bit! :kiss2:


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