# Do You Doubt Your Fat Admiring Lover?



## Arrhythmia (Dec 21, 2008)

First,

I wanna say that I'm so glad to be back here. Centering on only one "thing" in my life caused me to be very stressed which in turn led to drinking heavily on hard liquor and wallowing in depression. I was not a loving person and therefore ceased to love myself or allow anyone else near to love me.

Well, all that's changed. I've come to the realization that the "thing" that was causing all the stress needed to be kicked to the curb. Hard liquor has gone out the window, I've sought help for my depression and have an awesome man in my life. I guess I can't fully hate the stressful "thing" as it is the reason my man and I met.

Anyway, to the subject at hand: *Do You Doubt Your Fat Admiring Lover?* When he/she says they absolutely love your wrinkles, rolls and folds. That your body is what his/her dreams are made of and that he/she doesn't want you to change -- do you believe them?
Shame to say, but I have a hard time doing that -- thinking that he could mean every word of what he says.

It's not my man's fault. He truly loves me, folks. You should see the way he looks at me. I swear when he looks at me, his eyes drip love -- I've never seen anything like it. His words drip with truth and honey and he goes out of his way to do anything I bid of him. Yet.....
I find it so hard for him to love my jiggly arms, large cottage cheese like butt and thighs that could move mountains. I know this is all due to my self-esteem which has lowered since I've taken my vacation from Dimensions.

Here's pics of my "Sancho" (I call him this because of Sancho in _Man of LaMancha_. Don Quiote was out of his everloving mind, but Sancho was there.)










What about you? Do you find it difficult to grasp the idea that your lover loves your large body?


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## AnnMarie (Dec 21, 2008)

Nope, not at all. I can tell by the way they have touched me and looked at me that it's genuine and sincere and coming from a place of pure desire... there's no doubt at all.

And nice to have you back and on the road to better... enjoy your guy, cherish the time with him... it's a good thing.


*edited to correct tense, since I'm not currently gettin' any of anything.


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## olwen (Dec 21, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Nope, not at all. I can tell by the way they have touched me and looked at me that it's genuine and sincere and coming from a place of pure desire... there's no doubt at all.
> 
> And nice to have you back and on the road to better... enjoy your guy, cherish the time with him... it's a good thing.
> 
> ...



Exactly. You know there can be no doubt when they touch all those parts of you that a non-FA wouldn't know what to do with. And the way they touch those parts...They want to see you with the lights on and it's hard for them to hide their, ahem, excitement if you will.  Tho there have been times when I doubted a lovers feelings for me as a person I never doubted their attraction to me sexually. Like I said, that attraction would be really hard for them to hide. Sounds like you have a great guy so kudos.


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## Just_Jen (Dec 22, 2008)

im glad you've managed to find your way back *hugs* congratulations on being able to stop the drinking and sort out your depression. That's really brave and really strong, you should be proud of yourself for that...

onto your question, and im single atm so ill have to say about past experience. I have definately doubted that men love my rolls etc when they say so. I still do and i think it'll take a long time on the journey of self acceptance to believe it. 
I think it has to do with your very low self esteem. You need to work on that and start accepting yourself again (if you ever did) so maybe hang out here a lot more and it should go up a little bit. Maybe if you're subjected to him telling you alot then you'll believe it? *hugs*!! 

Kudos on getting such a good guy though! i hope you'll be happy and eventually accept that you're gorgeous in his eyes (and probably a lot of other peoples but i havent seen your picture so i dont want to say and you be like PSSSH!)


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## Arrhythmia (Dec 22, 2008)

Thanks so much, Jen! 

Last night, I did something I haven't done in almost two decades -- I stepped in the shower nakie with a man. HUGE step for me.

I won't go into all the details of what took place, but I will add this.....
The man washed my feet, ya'll. He squatted down and washed my feet tenderly. To me, that is one of the most selfless acts one can do. When he stood up, all I could do was cry on his shoulder as I thanked him.

He's really trying to show me something here, isn't he?


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## Just_Jen (Dec 22, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> Thanks so much, Jen!
> 
> Last night, I did something I haven't done in almost two decades -- I stepped in the shower nakie with a man. HUGE step for me.
> 
> ...




aww go you for stepping out of your comfort zone! just keep trying it, slowly you'll get used to it and think you're the shizzle! why don't ya try some sexy lingerie (not that you need it of course) but that can sometimes make you feel rather better about yourself, especially when you see how much the man then wants to ravage you! (though im sure that happens to you alllll the time)! 

Aww hunney, you need to get used to how gorgeous u are! seriously! you're beautiful, what man wouldnt want to do that stuff for you...<3 <3


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## Grandi Floras (Dec 22, 2008)

I think that that is the biggest reason why I don't look for a relationship, I know that noone could love me because of my size. It is just that my fat is a defense mechanizm against many things, especially with men getting close too me, intimate relationships are just not in the stars for me. I call it my camoflage against getting hurt again.

This is all well and fine for people that have partners, but those of us that have not for many years, there is a big difference in our feelings about this matter....... 

*Am I wrong for feeling this way?*


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## AnnMarie (Dec 22, 2008)

Fat is not something that keeps you from finding love, and it's not something that will ever keep you from getting hurt. 

If you want to use it as something that keeps you from living life, and feeling emotions, and being vulnerable... that's your choice. But having a fat body alone is not something that keeps you from loving or being loved. 

In fact, as a woman with a fat body who has loved very deeply and been loved deeply.... I resent the statement. I realize it may not be your reality, and for that I'm sorry. But you have to be open to love and those who may love you. 

If you're not, fat body or not, it's just not going to happen.


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## Grandi Floras (Dec 22, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Fat is not something that keeps you from finding love, and it's not something that will ever keep you from getting hurt.
> 
> If you want to use it as something that keeps you from living life, and feeling emotions, and being vulnerable... that's your choice. But having a fat body alone is not something that keeps you from loving or being loved.
> 
> ...



Comming from a girl far younger than me........

This is what I mean, if you have never been in my shoes, don't judge me. I am soon to be 57 years old and when you are my age and have gone through the things that I have gone through with men, you will understand. My biggest thing is, I don't trust men to love me for who and what I am. I am very open to love, but only the real kind, not just the sexual kind. If I wanted just that I could get that everyday but it isn't, I want the kind of love from a man that lasts a lifetime.... not a nighttime.


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## AnnMarie (Dec 22, 2008)

Not one thing in my post was about sex.


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## Grandi Floras (Dec 22, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Not one thing in my post was about sex.



I never said that you did. What I am saying is that seems to be the only offers I get, especially here on the internet. I am sorry if I didn't make myself clear.


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## Cat (Dec 22, 2008)

Grandi Floras said:


> *Am I wrong for feeling this way?*



Yes. .


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## Grandi Floras (Dec 22, 2008)

Cat said:


> Yes. .



Maybe....Maybe not.....


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## superodalisque (Dec 22, 2008)

Good to have you back Arryhthmia great subject! 

i haven't really had an FA lover. but if i did i wouldn't doubt him in the physical sense, otherwise we wouldn't be together. i feel the same way about men who are not FAs. it really wouldn't change the rules much. if i doubted someone then they would probably never get close enough to be a lover anyway. i'm the kind of person who isn't in any hurry to make someone my lover unless i know them a bit. i have to say that there are fewer surprises that way. 

for me passion is a very important element that i would never want or try to live without. i never really doubt it when someone finds me physically attractive. if a guy isn't attracted he probably wouldn't bother anyway. one of my male friends says that women over think things and that men are "simple beasts" . i kind of believe him. that comes from the experience of having 4 brothers and a father and a 15 yr ltr along with other relationships. i think that the doubting comes in when a woman has an inkling that something isn't quite right with the person and her in other ways. it doesn't have to be sex(since we are talking lovers) it can be intimacy and trust etc... you see it here on the boards all of the time. a guy has sex with a fat girl and then blames it on her size (FA or not). i think if a guy can be a woman's lover, get stimulated enough to have sex with her, and then try to tell her that she isn't desireable he is just a mentally abusive jerk and a liar. he's willing to say anything that seemingly makes him come out on top. he might not want a relationship but he did want the sex. i mean really! you can't even get most guys to put down the toilet seat unless they want to.

the doubting part can be an issue a person can have inside of themselves about being sexually attractive . i feel its best if a person can feel desireable independent of a lover. then you have something to bring to the table instead of just another need the guy has to fill. i mean it must not be any fun for the guy if he had to feel like he had to be the sole underpining of a woman's self esteem--sexual or otherwise. it would be a lot of pressure to feel that her world might fall apart if things didn't work out. i'm not sure that its healthy to get that just from the experiences you have with a lover. i don't think a man should be able to make you feel completely bad about yourself or completely good about yourself. i think he should just be a wonderful addition to the life and confidence and happiness you've made within yourself already. so no matter what happens with a relationship you come out of the other end being 100% you, and not someone who feels totally destroyed. then maybe if he can't be a lover anymore he can still be a valuable friend.


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## Grandi Floras (Dec 22, 2008)

superodalisque said:


> i haven't really had an FA lover. but if i did i wouldn't doubt him in the physical sense, otherwise we wouldn't be together. i feel the same way about men who are not FAs. it really wouldn't change the rules much. if i doubted someone then they would probably never get close enough to be a lover anyway. i'm the kind of person who isn't in any hurry to make someone my lover unless i know them a bit anyway. i have to say that there are fewer surprises that way.
> 
> for me passion is a very important element that i would never want or try to live without. i never really doubt it when someone finds me physically attractive. if a guy isn't attracted he probably wouldn't bother anyway. one of my male friends says that women over think things and that men are "simple beasts" . i kind of believe him. i think that the doubting comes in when you have an inkling that something isn't quite right with the person and you in other ways. it doesn't have to be sex(since we are talking lovers) it can be intimacy and trust etc... i think if a guy can be a woman's lover, get stimulated enough to have sex with her, and then try to tell her that she isn't desireable he is just a mentally abusive jerk and a liar. he might not want a relationship but he did want the sex.
> 
> the doubting part can be an issue a person can have inside of themselves about being sexually attractive . i feel its best if a person can feel desireable independent of a lover. then you have something to bring to the table instead of just another need the guy has to fill. i mean it must not be any fun for the guy if he had to feel like he had to be the sole underpining of a woman's self esteem--sexual or otherwise. it would be a lot of pressure to feel that her world might fall apart if things didn't work out. i'm not sure that its healthy to get that just from the experiences you have with a lover. i don't think a man should be able to make you feel completely bad about yourself or completely good about yourself. i think he should just be a wonderful addition to the life and confidence and happiness you've made within yourself already. so no matter what happens with a relationship you come out of the other end being 100% you, and not someone who feels totally destroyed. then maybe if he can't be a lover anymore he can still be a valuable friend.



*Exactly! This is what I was trying to say, I am just not as good at the words as you are. Thank you so much for this reply.*


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## Tad (Dec 22, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> He's really trying to show me something here, isn't he?



I think he is showing you something, whether he is trying to or not. 

- Maybe he is making a real effort to show you that he adores you, all of you, the way you are. 

- Or maybe _because_ he adores you, all you, the way you are, such things just come naturally to him.

Either way, you win 



Here is another thing you could try (even as a thought experiment): invite him to buy you a piece of sexy lingerie that you promise to model for him and wear at least one night. If he does, wear it, and look in the mirror knowing that he WANTS to see you in that, that in fact he's looking at pure sexy. (in the thought experiment version, ask him to describe what sort of sexy lingerie he'd love to see you in, or take you out of)

Good luck!


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 22, 2008)

edx said:


> I think he is showing you something, whether he is trying to or not.
> 
> - Maybe he is making a real effort to show you that he adores you, all of you, the way you are.
> 
> ...



Wow, that is a REALLY great idea edx. I would do that anyway just for fun. Just have to steer yourself from making a face and looking at him sideways if the outfit is ugly but it would still be fun, at least for me.


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## Arrhythmia (Dec 22, 2008)

edx said:


> Here is another thing you could try (even as a thought experiment): invite him to buy you a piece of sexy lingerie that you promise to model for him and wear at least one night. If he does, wear it, and look in the mirror knowing that he WANTS to see you in that, that in fact he's looking at pure sexy. (in the thought experiment version, ask him to describe what sort of sexy lingerie he'd love to see you in, or take you out of)
> 
> Good luck!


Actually, this has already been done. About three days ago, we were walking hand and hand in the mall. We went into Torrid and he began to show me what panties he would love to see me in -- some sexy pair that would end up in places where the sun doesn't shine. I think pointed to a neglige and asked him what he thought about that. His reply was, "My thoughts are that if you wore that, it would be hitting the floor pretty fast." 

I know what *Grandi Floras *means -- the fat being a protective mechansim. My story? As a child, men messed with me, so I gained weight. As an adult, lost weight, men messed with me again, so I gained it back. Now, there's someone who would _prefer_ me this way. It just goes against everything I've learned.


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## Tad (Dec 22, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> Actually, this has already been done. About three days ago, we were walking hand and hand in the mall. We went into Torrid and he began to show me what panties he would love to see me in -- some sexy pair that would end up in places where the sun doesn't shine. I think pointed to a neglige and asked him what he thought about that. His reply was, "My thoughts are that if you wore that, it would be hitting the floor pretty fast."



That would make a great Christmas present, you know.....you could label it to him (the present is that you would wear it), or put it out addressed to you from him, and have him wondering what was going on.

But I can see how this could be something you have to take slowly, given your past experiences. Still, keep it in mind for someday. Believe me, the look in his eyes will be worth something


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## amber83 (Dec 22, 2008)

I know this feeling....I feel it all the time.


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## Grandi Floras (Dec 22, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> Actually, this has already been done. About three days ago, we were walking hand and hand in the mall. We went into Torrid and he began to show me what panties he would love to see me in -- some sexy pair that would end up in places where the sun doesn't shine. I think pointed to a neglige and asked him what he thought about that. His reply was, "My thoughts are that if you wore that, it would be hitting the floor pretty fast."
> 
> I know what *Grandi Floras *means -- the fat being a protective mechansim. My story? As a child, men messed with me, so I gained weight. As an adult, lost weight, men messed with me again, so I gained it back. Now, there's someone who would _prefer_ me this way. It just goes against everything I've learned.



*I am glad that someone understands. I just wished sometimes, that I could get over the mistrust and find me a man that would do just that, love all of me for who and what I am. Thank you for this reply Arrhythmia!*


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## BigBeautifulRed (Dec 22, 2008)

I think it's all in his touch. Does he rub and caress in between your fat rolls and beg to jiggle that belly of yours. It's also in the way he treats you, verbally and physically. Does he ever gesture to skinny models, or rather tell you how he really feels about your jiggily body. 

At least all of those elements, tell me how he really feels about my body.


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## olwen (Dec 22, 2008)

Grandi Floras said:


> *I am glad that someone understands. I just wished sometimes, that I could get over the mistrust and find me a man that would do just that, love all of me for who and what I am. Thank you for this reply Arrhythmia!*



The thing is tho, holding on to that fear is comfortable and familiar but that fear will only get you so far. 

...The universe provides, but you have to let it, you know? The universe wants to give you want you want but you have to be willing to accept it...


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## BrunetteBeauty80 (Dec 22, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> Now, there's someone who would _prefer_ me this way. It just goes against everything I've learned.



Aren't you worthy of love? Aren't you worthy of being desired? You found a man who loves you the way you are. He isn't asking you to change. He isn't demanding that you lose 100lbs just so that you would be WORTHY of his love. He is a lucky man to have found someone he connects with. I think that is the real issue. It isn't that you question HIS love for you or attraction for you. You question your worth of the attraction. Believe me, he wants to be with you. If he is walking with you hand and hand through the mall, he is showing everyone that he is proud to be with you. A man who wasn't proud to be with you, wouldn't want to be seen in public with you. He is flaunting the fact that he has a gorgeous woman on his arm, who he is very attracted to. 

It was hard to me at first also. To have a man who loved every inch of my body. To look at me completely naked and say I was the sexiest woman he had ever seen. It was hard for me to believe it. But then, I questioned why it was hard. Wasn't I worthy of someone thinking I was the sexiest woman they had ever seen? Wasn't I worthy of having a man desire me? Yes, I was and am. Once you open your mind up to that fact, you will stop questioning HIS motives.


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## Arrhythmia (Dec 22, 2008)

BrunetteBeauty80 said:


> Aren't you worthy of love? Aren't you worthy of being desired? You found a man who loves you the way you are. He isn't asking you to change. He isn't demanding that you lose 100lbs just so that you would be WORTHY of his love. He is a lucky man to have found someone he connects with. I think that is the real issue. It isn't that you question HIS love for you or attraction for you. You question your worth of the attraction. Believe me, he wants to be with you. If he is walking with you hand and hand through the mall, he is showing everyone that he is proud to be with you. A man who wasn't proud to be with you, wouldn't want to be seen in public with you. He is flaunting the fact that he has a gorgeous woman on his arm, who he is very attracted to.
> 
> It was hard to me at first also. To have a man who loved every inch of my body. To look at me completely naked and say I was the sexiest woman he had ever seen. It was hard for me to believe it. But then, I questioned why it was hard. Wasn't I worthy of someone thinking I was the sexiest woman they had ever seen? Wasn't I worthy of having a man desire me? Yes, I was and am. Once you open your mind up to that fact, you will stop questioning HIS motives.


All I could do was nod my head. You are absolutely right in every sense of the word. It really changes my focus when I say to myself that I *am* worthy of his love. Thank you!


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## Violet_Beauregard (Dec 22, 2008)

Welcome back!!! And I'm SO glad you're getting your life back on track!!!

AND, let me say... your man is H-O-T!!! Good for you girl!!!!

In MY experiences, yes, the men who have told me that they loved my size... were very genuine. I am like you though... I found it very hard to believe... it went against everything I was used to. But you've answered your own question though.... you said you can SEE the love in his eyes, you can HEAR the love when he speaks, and you can FEEL the love when he touches you. Those things can't be faked... really. If the guy didn't love your size, he would be off with someone else, wouldn't he? But he's not... he has CHOSEN to be with YOU!!!

What does your GUT tell you?? If I've learned anything in the last few years.. it's to trust my gut feeling. It's always been right for me. 


And to address what Grandi Floras has mentioned... I understand that. I want a man who wants to love ME... inside and out. To love me for the person that I am. Not just because of my size... but because of the person that I am. My size doesn't define me. I'm a person who just happens to be fat... but being fat is not all of me. Fortunately for me, I've found a guy who wants me for me. Quirks, goofiness, attitude, fat ass and all. ALL of me.


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## LillyBBBW (Dec 23, 2008)

Arrhythmia said:


> Thanks so much, Jen!
> 
> Last night, I did something I haven't done in almost two decades -- I stepped in the shower nakie with a man. HUGE step for me.
> 
> ...



I'm always really sensitive to having anyone do anything with my feet. I like having pedicures and so fourth and I endure them pretty well. What's funny is how I can brush and clean my feet at home with no problem, but when someone else does it tickles. Either they're not going at it hard enough or it's too hard and it hurts. No one can do it quite like I can and I find that with someone's admiration it's the same way. I'm a preening attention whore so believe me, I love being admired.  It's never the same as my own though. It's either too much of one thing and I feel awkward or not enough of the other thing and I feel neglected. It's all good though. I guess I'm just trying to reiterate what so many others have already said. Enjoy his admiration of you but don't forget to celebrate and play up the things about yourself that you find beautiful, worthwhile and important. A new outfit, a great hairstyle, learning a new skill or doing something you always wanted to do but was afraid to. Your self esteem should be yours and not based solely upon what you look like or what someone else says though those things are awesome too. Sometimes the reason someone else's admiration isn't enough is because it isn't. It's a great place to start though.


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## kinkykitten (Dec 25, 2008)

don't think my bhm doubts me  

It would be hard for me to hide anyway lol


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## SaraGood (Jan 2, 2009)

Okay, so I am extremely new to all of this. So I figured I would jump in with this:
I have been big all my life and until currently it has always bothered me. I have been with my FA for a couple years now and he has been very open about how much he loves my body. I think that is why I have regained my self-esteem. I finally let my guard down and listen to all the wonderful things he had to say to me. I stop listening to my friends complaining about how fat they were (we are talking about size 2 women) and started feeling comfortable in my own skin. HOWEVER, I am now worried that I may not be big enough for my man. I recently found out that he is a SBBW fan and I am don't feel comfortable gaining. I am scared that he will want more then I can give him. So how do I keep him satisfied yet still be okay with myself?


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## olwen (Jan 2, 2009)

SaraGood said:


> Okay, so I am extremely new to all of this. So I figured I would jump in with this:
> I have been big all my life and until currently it has always bothered me. I have been with my FA for a couple years now and he has been very open about how much he loves my body. I think that is why I have regained my self-esteem. I finally let my guard down and listen to all the wonderful things he had to say to me. I stop listening to my friends complaining about how fat they were (we are talking about size 2 women) and started feeling comfortable in my own skin. HOWEVER, I am now worried that I may not be big enough for my man. I recently found out that he is a SBBW fan and I am don't feel comfortable gaining. I am scared that he will want more then I can give him. So how do I keep him satisfied yet still be okay with myself?



You can do both. Talk to him. Let him know your doubts and see what he says. You're in it together. He may not expect anything from you after all.


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## Pitch (May 14, 2011)

I doubt FAs (the male half) because I distrust men in general. It isn't logical, or right and I'm trying to undo it...but it's true. However, I have yet to be with an actual FA so I really don't know, do I?

Blerg.


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## LillyBBBW (May 14, 2011)

Pitch said:


> I doubt FAs (the male half) because I distrust men in general. It isn't logical, or right and I'm trying to undo it...but it's true. However, I have yet to be with an actual FA so I really don't know, do I?
> 
> Blerg.



I'm the same way. Attraction I don't doubt, it's other things. I've been burned so many times before that I never fully trust when someone says they have feelings for me. That's kind of a 'thing' though that has nothing to do with FAs. If he weren't an FA I would probably trust him even less.


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## Pitch (May 14, 2011)

LillyBBBW said:


> I'm the same way. Attraction I don't doubt, it's other things. I've been burned so many times before that I never fully trust when someone says they have feelings for me. That's kind of a 'thing' though that has nothing to do with FAs. If he weren't an FA I would probably trust him even less.



Dude. Story of my life. -bro grabs-


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## 1love_emily (May 14, 2011)

I don't doubt him in his love for fat women, I just doubt in his commitment to me sometimes. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not the only one in his life...


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## mossystate (May 14, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> I don't doubt him in his love for fat women, I just doubt in his commitment to me sometimes.
> 
> Sometimes I feel like I'm not the only one in his life...



Have you had a conversation about the two of you being exclusive?


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## 1love_emily (May 14, 2011)

mossystate said:


> Have you had a conversation about the two of you being exclusive?



Yeah, and I thought he said we were... but still. He's really handsome, smart, funny, and over 8 hours away. He told me about dates he's been on and girls he's friends with and after hearing all that, I'm just afraid.


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## mossystate (May 14, 2011)

1love_emily said:


> Yeah, and I thought he said we were... but still. He's really handsome, smart, funny, and over 8 hours away. He told me about dates he's been on and girls he's friends with and after hearing all that, I'm just afraid.



Emily, I was checking my suscribed threads and ran across a post of yours in one of them. You are wavering, as you said, between this boy and another you used to desire. If the boy you met is dating other girls, are you wanting to have a back-up plan...in case? 
Dating other people means you do not have an exclusive relationship. Ask again and then decide if you can live with that. If you can't, then save yourself even more blender on puree emotions and move on. Away from any conversation with him, ask yourself what you really want right now in your life.
And here comes more unwanted advice...do not move on to this other boy. Crushes and wanting to be wanted is heady stuff, and few of us can resist. But it might do you a world of good to step back a bit. Flirt you heart out, and when you find yourself doing the " omg, he is amaaaazing ", take a deep breath. You have all the time in the world...remember that, when you are able.


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