# just have to let it out



## bobbleheaddoll (Oct 23, 2010)

well gals, 

it's true...i rarely ever come into the bbw room anymore because, honestly, it's a bummer. i understand everyone has issues and deals with things their own way...but this is my happy post for all the big girls out there who:

1. accept they're fat. faced it. dealt with it. learned to love it.
2. are good with who they are. this is me. i love me. if you don't...oh well.
3. rock what they got! 
4. go out and live life! you only spin once kids...have to live every minute. 
5. inspire those who haven't gotten there yet to know they are beautiful 

best to everyone! now get out there and live your life your life and love yourself!


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 23, 2010)

thank you! i love you! and i miss you!


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

I think it's great that you feel so confident and know and love yourself as a fat person. Keep in mind, though, I think it's a little easier to achieve that state of mind when you're partnered. You've achieved the one thing that is seen by most of western society as the true signifier of social acceptance, which is a romantic partner. When you're single and looking, your self confidence can really take some hits. It becomes harder to remind yourself that you're a valuable person, worthy of love, when you're so often faced with messages that, however unintentional, continue to remind you that someone doesn't want you, they don't choose you, and you can't show others that you've succeeded in finding someone to love you.

When you're fat (or older, transgendered, have a disability, etc, etc), it creates an added element to the search for a romantic partner that usually doesn't aid in the ease of finding one. You're constantly reminded, even when not looking for a romantic partner, of how people who are thinner, younger, cisgendered, able-bodied (etc) are seen as more socially acceptable by the general public.

Just yesterday, I was at a social gathering with some friends, both men and women. A new woman showed up to the gathering who many people hadn't met before. She's young, slender and very pretty, and I immediately observed a subtle shift in the attention of several straight guys in the group. Without realizing it, they turned their focus to her, spoke only to her, asked her questions, and essentially, stopped paying attention to other women in the group. It was a perfect example of how someone younger, with a more 'socially acceptable' body shape can unintentionally attract the attention of others.

Which I know is nothing new to many fat people. We've all observed and experienced 'thin privilege' (or able-bodied, youth, or cisgendered privilege) at some point in our lives. The difference is, I went home alone, with no one but myself to remind me that I'm just as worthy of attention and love as the thinner woman, no partner to confirm that I'm just as socially acceptable as she is. And sometimes handling that issue on your own for so long can become frustrating. You get tired of being the only one to give yourself solace and love and you come here and speak your mind about it.

So give us gals who haven't yet found the right partner a break, don't condemn us for expressing the hurt we often feel in trying to navigate life on our own, and remember that it's easier to see the greener grass on your side of the fence when you've got a partner to go home to.


----------



## Inhibited (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> I
> 
> 
> > think it's great that you feel so confident and know and love yourself as a fat person. Keep in mind, though, I think it's a little easier to achieve that state of mind when you're partnered. You've achieved the one thing that is seen by most of western society as the true signifier of social acceptance, which is a romantic partner. When you're single and looking, your self confidence can really take some hits. It becomes harder to remind yourself that you're a valuable person, worthy of love, when you're so often faced with messages that, however unintentional, continue to remind you that someone doesn't want you, they don't choose you, and you can't show others that you've succeeded in finding someone to love you.
> ...


----------



## AmazingAmy (Oct 24, 2010)

I agree with Doll; accepting your fat is the first step.  Confidence is more attractive than any physical feature, big or small, and you need to stand up and make yourself tall for the _right _reasons: independence, happiness, and a positive outlook on life.

You're going to fall flat on your face if you try and emulate these qualities for the purpose of finding a romantic partner, however. Soul mates are not a given in life, and you need to be ready to love this world by yourself if you're not going to grow old unhappy. I know I say that as someone who hasn't actually lived a long, lonely life yet, but don't hold my world view against me. Just expressing myself, after all.


----------



## MissStacie (Oct 24, 2010)

Regardless of whether you are partnered or not, the happiness and acceptance starts inside of you. We all know people, or have heard of people having WLS to "be happier and love myself". Well, how many of those people are happier and love themselves MORE after? The road to acceptance starts with YOU, inside and if you start from another means, surgery, random sex, or even being with a steady partner to "make you happy", it won't work.

I think what the OP was trying to do was give some ladies a pep talk, not condemn those of us who HAVEN'T quite gotten there yet. 

TGirl: You might also want to think that you mentioned that this thinner counterpart at the party was new, that no one had met her before. Now, while its likely possible what you are saying is true, it could also be said that these people were trying to bring her out and find out more about her. I think when we go through life with such a jaded and bitter attitude towards our thinner sisters, it makes OUR road to self acceptance harder. "why can't I be HER??...or "if only I were thin like HER, I could ..A...B..or C"...

I got what the OP was saying and I'll say "You GO....have a happy life for YOU and everything else will follow"


----------



## Tau (Oct 24, 2010)

I think it's also really, really important to realise that not every one of us is going to end up with a partner. Yes it's easier to be happy with a loving man to come home to but that doesn't mean you shouldn't strive to be absolutely and utterly content and happy alone too. If true confidence and self love is something that we tell ourselves can only be achieved with a partner at our sides...well then I honestly think we're in fairly deep doo-doo. I'm a single girl - one of two in my circle of friends. Every other woman my age is in a relationship, engaged, pregnant or having babies. It gets really fucking lonely sometimes, I get angry about it, I wallow in pity and misery, and then I get up and cheer up. Always think of that Amel Larrieux song - I know you're down, when you gona get up? I think the BBW forum is a great tool to vent. It feels good to come here and be able to share the things that have hurt me with women who I know have probably had similar experiences. That said though I have to agree with bobblehead that lately this entire forum has gone very, very Eeyore. There's a whole lot of woe is me and hardly any really positive stuff going on. We're here to share the pain, yes, but also the joy! I think more of us need to learn to look outside ourselves, to see the realities of other people, the pains that other people feel, and realise that for most of us on this forum life is actually pretty damn awesome - even without regular sex !!


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

MissStacie said:


> Regardless of whether you are partnered or not, the happiness and acceptance starts inside of you. We all know people, or have heard of people having WLS to "be happier and love myself". Well, how many of those people are happier and love themselves MORE after? The road to acceptance starts with YOU, inside and if you start from another means, surgery, random sex, or even being with a steady partner to "make you happy", it won't work.
> 
> I think what the OP was trying to do was give some ladies a pep talk, not condemn those of us who HAVEN'T quite gotten there yet.



I don't disagree that I'm in charge of my own happiness, and that loving myself is important. What I took from bobbleheaddoll's post was less of a pep talk and more of a complaint about some of the single women on this board who choose to express their feelings about their singlehood and lack of confidence. I think it's easy to say things like "buck up, girl! Stop hating yourself! Stop being such a negative nelly!" when you're partnered. You've achieved the social signifier that indicates you're loved. Single people, whether they're looking for a romantic partner or not, don't have that signifier. How many times have I been subtly questioned about my sexual preferences by people who don't know me well...and even some who do, like my mother...simply because I've been mostly single for the past 8 years. Western society seems to 'need' us to be partnered in order to satisfy this crazy idea of 'manifest destiny' that constantly gives us the message that we'll only ever be acceptable when we find a partner...and to take it a step further, hook him to a marriage license and have kids.

Having studied therapeutic practices and taken part in them for the past 10 years, I've learned that what helps people in pain most is someone who can identify with their feelings. Ye olde 'pep talk' is not the answer. Someone's not just going to become miraculously happy and learn to love themselves because you tell them to, or because you've found your romantic partner and have a support system to help lift you up when you have one of those days as a fat person where every message you get is "fat is bad."

To borrow a quote from the Fat Lot of Good blog, "When are these people going to realize that shame and self loathing does not encourage people to change their lives? You are not going to make me thin by calling me names and telling me I am lazy gluttonous slob. If that was the way to thin, I would be Rachel Zoe by now." While bobblehead isn't trying to shame us into loving ourselves, telling us to "buck up" and "stop whining and live your life" isn't the way to accomplish her goal either. Understanding is the way to go.



MissStacie said:


> TGirl: You might also want to think that you mentioned that this thinner counterpart at the party was new, that no one had met her before. Now, while its likely possible what you are saying is true, it could also be said that these people were trying to bring her out and find out more about her. I think when we go through life with such a jaded and bitter attitude towards our thinner sisters, it makes OUR road to self acceptance harder. "why can't I be HER??...or "if only I were thin like HER, I could ..A...B..or C"...



Hon, I am neither jaded nor bitter about this woman. As I wrote in my post, I said she was young, slender and very pretty. How does that indicate jadedness or bitterness? It simply indicates that she's young, slender and very pretty, the same as saying I'm fat indicates that I'm fat. If I'd written that she was a "skinny bitch," "flaunting her thin privilege," etc, then I might concede jadedness and bitterness on my part. But the fact that you read a description of a young, slender, very pretty woman as jaded and bitter tells me more about _your_ feelings towards young, slender women than mine.

Nor were you at the social gathering, so you weren't there to observe the guys and how they acted around this woman. They weren't asking her questions about her job, her studies or what kind of books she likes to read (questions that would indicate they were trying to "draw her out," as you say, and learn more about her). *I* was asking her some of those questions, as were some of the other women in the group. As she was speaking, several guys moved to where she was standing to be closer to her, and other guys inclined their heads in her direction and kept their eyes on her, all subtle indications of physical interest. Even when I'm new in a group of people, I don't observe men reacting to me in this way. 

When she left our group and said she was interested in playing a board game, several guys spoke up and said they'd join her...another thing I've rarely had happen when I'm around members of the opposite sex. While playing the board game, one of the guys who had joined her started asking about what kinds of physical activities she likes to do, where she likes to work out, etc. This is a guy who, at most, does a little weight lifting; he's not one to run, play soccer, basketball or handball, or do any very active sport. But he sure seemed interested to find out what gym _she_ likes to go to and where she likes to run when she goes on her morning jog. ...Not that I think the guy would do anything creepy like watch her from the bushes while she's out jogging (I know him pretty well, and I don't think he's that kind of guy), but he definitely seemed interested in what kind of physical stuff she likes to do...again, indicating an interest in the physical that was more than just perfunctory.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

Inhibited said:


> Maybe she found love by following those 5 steps, I think if you don't have confidence and value yourself without a partner not much is gonna change when you find one.



You misunderstood me, or were selectively reading, one of the two. I agree that if you don't have self confidence and value yourself, it makes it harder to find a romantic partner, and sometimes harder to keep one. My point was that just telling us to "buck up! Stop hating yourself! Be happy! Live your life!" is not going to accomplish that goal. And single women are going to be much less likely to accept that "helpful" advice from a woman who is partnered. When we have one of those days when every message we get seems to be saying "fat is bad," we go home and deal with it on our own. We don't have a partner to be our support system and remind us that we're valued and loved, a partner who is seen by western society as an indication of our value as human beings, particularly as fat women. And after a long period of days like that, when every message we receive seems to be saying "fat is bad," "you're not worthy," we get damn tired of dealing with it on our own and need a place where we can express our feelings about it, around other people who can understand what we're feeling. Just telling us to "live your life! Be happy!" isn't the answer. Try remembering what it's like to be a single fat woman and understand what we're feeling.


----------



## Brenda (Oct 24, 2010)

I think Thirtiesgirl is right in the sense that it is easier to "maintain" a sense of body acceptance when one is "happily" partnered. 

While I was self accepting prior to meeting my husband, being with him does make it substantially easier not to struggle with the fat demons. When I go to a social event I no longer hope I meet someone and get disappointed when I see most of the single available men interested in much thinner women. His telling me he loves me as I am does reaffirm my worth. While I agree that you have to love yourself first regardless of who is or is not sharing your life with you, having someone by your side makes it easier to continue on the path to self acceptance.

Brenda


----------



## Inhibited (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> You misunderstood me, or were selectively reading, one of the two. I agree that if you don't have self confidence and value yourself, it makes it harder to find a romantic partner, and sometimes harder to keep one. My point was that just telling us to "buck up! Stop hating yourself! Be happy! Live your life!" is not going to accomplish that goal. And single women are going to be much less likely to accept that "helpful" advice from a woman who is partnered. When we have one of those days when every message we get seems to be saying "fat is bad," we go home and deal with it on our own. We don't have a partner to be our support system and remind us that we're valued and loved, a partner who is seen by western society as an indication of our value as human beings, particularly as fat women. And after a long period of days like that, when every message we receive seems to be saying "fat is bad," "you're not worthy," we get damn tired of dealing with it on our own and need a place where we can express our feelings about it, around other people who can understand what we're feeling. Just telling us to "live your life! Be happy!" isn't the answer. Try remembering what it's like to be a single fat woman and understand what we're feeling.



We live in different worlds coz i don't get the message that "fat is bad" and i don't think a partner would understand he/she would just tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are, which isn't going to be much support if you don't believe it..


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

i think its great to share our issues and problems. i'm ALL for that wholeheartedly. the honesty in that helps everyone. sugar coating things does not help. but at the same time its important not to forget to share the joy. people need to know there is something different from fat misery. they need help in learning how to celebrate themselves. they should be just as comfortable in sharing their good times and positive experiences as they are the bad ones. if they don't have any thats a problem that might have nothing to do with fat at all but the lack of involving oneself in human emotions in the proper way. as in the rest of life we all do a great job complaining. but i think its much harder for people to see what there is to like -especially within themselves. ultimately the responsibility is on us to like ourselves. its unfair to ask the rest of society to like something or support something that you truly don't support or like yourself. if you only tolerate yourself you'll only get grudging toleration at best.

i'm not sure that experiencing a negative emotion over and over is really good for people. i read somewhere that a memory like that gone over and over again creates the same emotions, stress and damaging hormones that the original event did. so it can equal abusing yourself repeatedly the same way someone else did which is not good for anyone's mental or physical health. IMO we create the reality of our future in the things we choose to concentrate and progress toward. if you concentrate on the miseries of being fat then you WILL be miserable. if you concentrate on your perceived unattractiveness,in terms of friendships, work relationships, love relationships or anywhere else you'd like to attract people to your positive energy, you WILL be unattractive since thats what you'll put out. its great to say it for truth and then get off it unless you're expressing it to help someone to let them know you've been through the same and they can make it. but sometimes people do often share their worst experiences and emotions and expect others to wallow permanently with them. thats a dangerous and maybe a destructive president to set. everybody has to be careful of that including me.

women tend to view themselves through a sexual attraction to men too much and don't often have enough certainty that they are attractive as people on their own. they need too much outside validation. self confidence you get through a partner is as fake and as feeble as a leaf in the wind. if he goes it goes. i'm not sure thats a great position to be in. sometimes its as though there is little understanding of the dynamics of a relationship. the weight (no pun intended) is not on sex. people can get fat sex anywhere. afterwards many times no one cares if the person lives or dies anyway. they can take the person or leave the person. it was just sex. if its a relationship you're after its important to work on who you are and your ability to be in a relationship with somebody. that means accepting love and all that comes with it and that doesn't exclude physical attraction or include thinking you have to be a porn queen to get it. your body alone does not and will not make a relationship. anyone who tells you so is a liar and a manipulator and probably some kind of pimp. so relying on being fat or being slender as such a huge element in whether you can have a relationship is short changing you and the person who loves you, and totally disrespectful to you both. people are made of more. being so narrow about that is just torturing yourself and the rest of the world. the world is not such a bad place even for fat people--unless you chose to spend all of your time looking toward the darkside. 

you are your own soul mate.


----------



## Inhibited (Oct 24, 2010)

I second that above... that is everything i wanted to say..
usually i don't even read long posts i just skim through them, but that was really well written.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

Inhibited said:


> We live in different worlds coz i don't get the message that "fat is bad" and i don't think a partner would understand he/she would just tell you that you are beautiful just the way you are, which isn't going to be much support if you don't believe it..



Again, I don't disagree with you. But I don't think you're paying close attention to the points I'm making, which you've admitted in this thread with your statement that you tend to skim longer posts. My point is not that everyone "has to" be partnered. I'm a strong advocate of singlehood and not partnering up just for the possibility of having a support system or expecting your partner to solve all your personal issues. My point is that when you have a partner, I don't think it's really your place to tell single people to "just buck up, just be happy." 

Maybe you've never gone through a day where you've received messages from the world at large that "fat is bad," and I think you're one of the fortunate few. But I have and I know many other women who have on a near constant basis. Going home to a partner is not going to solve that issue for me or make it go away, but it does make it easier to share with another person who is truly there for you, is understanding of your emotional process and loves you for who you are. Plus, there's the added benefit of the rest of the world assuming that you're "accepted" and "acceptable" because you've achieved partnerhood. Fat women have enough of an issue being seen as 'socially acceptable' as it is. I've long observed fat friends who find a partner suddenly receiving subtle appraisal from family, friends and co-workers because they're no longer single. I'm not saying it's _right_, but it happens. And in most cases, it's not intentional. There's a subconscious sigh of relief and appraisal of the newly partnered person that many people are unaware they're showing, simply because we've all been trained for so long that being partnered is the ultimate goal. And it can make engaging with the world as a fat person _that_ much easier, something that single fat people don't get to experience.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> they need help in learning how to celebrate themselves. they should be just as comfortable in sharing their good times and positive experiences as they are the bad ones. if they don't have any thats a problem that might have nothing to do with fat at all but the lack of involving oneself in human emotions in the proper way. as in the rest of life we all do a great job complaining. but i think its much harder for people to see what there is to like -especially within themselves. ultimately the responsibility is on us to like ourselves. its unfair to ask the rest of society to like something or support something that you truly don't support or like yourself. if you only tolerate yourself you'll only get grudging toleration at best.



I agree, but again, I feel it's not fair or right for a partnered person to tell single people how to be. It's like a thin person trying to tell fat people how to be. We're not coming from the same place or sharing the same experiences, and that's not helpful for fat or single people.



superodalisque said:


> i'm not sure that experiencing a negative emotion over and over is really good for people.



I agree, but I think there's a difference in occasionally expressing your frustration with your singlehood and lack of confidence as a fat person on a board for fat people and for support of size acceptance than constantly reliving your negative feelings and experiences. I think we should be allowed to express how we feel without someone telling us how to be, particularly someone who is partnered.


----------



## Jes (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> So give us gals who haven't yet found the right partner a break, don't condemn us for expressing the hurt we often feel in trying to navigate life on our own, and remember that it's easier to see the greener grass on your side of the fence when you've got a partner to go home to.


 
oh, lord.

Look, I think it's a mistake to assume the OP is talking about you, or other women who have talked about feeling low b/c they are single. I think, at best, you can say the OP MIGHT have been talking about single women complaining. But she might have been talking about women being bummed about long lines at the movies, or how everything pizza never has enough everything, or whatever. What does it help you to assume she's condemning you, or not giving you a break? In this thread, you seem committed to thinking she doesn't care about you, but do you really have any solid proof about that? For that reason, I have to tell you that I think your reponse to her is much more about you than it is about her. I feel like you're expressing something that you may not realize you're expressing here, and I wanted to tell you that. If you really feel she's targeting you, why not ask? Why not say: I read your message as ... and would like to ask you if you mean ... If so, this is what I think about that.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

Jes said:


> oh, lord.
> 
> Look, I think it's a mistake to assume the OP is talking about you, or other women who have talked about feeling low b/c they are single. I think, at best, you can say the OP MIGHT have been talking about single women complaining. But she might have been talking about women being bummed about long lines at the movies, or how everything pizza never has enough everything, or whatever. What does it help you to assume she's condemning you, or not giving you a break? In this thread, you seem committed to thinking she doesn't care about you, but do you really have any solid proof about that? For that reason, I have to tell you that I think your reponse to her is much more about you than it is about her. I feel like you're expressing something that you may not realize you're expressing here, and I wanted to tell you that. If you really feel she's targeting you, why not ask? Why not say: I read your message as ... and would like to ask you if you mean ... If so, this is what I think about that.



I don't, in fact, feel she's targeting me because I haven't created threads about feeling a lack of confidence or feeling frustrated about being single on this forum. I _do_ sometimes feel those things, but I haven't created threads about them here. Therefore, I don't feel bobblehead was making reference to me, specifically, but to other women on this forum who have created threads about feeling a lack of self confidence or lamenting their singlehood, and sharing their feelings openly about it. And as I wrote in my previous post, I don't feel it's fair of her to tell single women here to "just live your life, just be happy" unless she's a single woman herself. It's like thin people trying to tell fat people how to be. We're not coming from the same perspective, we're not sharing the same experiences, so advice such as this is not helpful to us. If you want to be helpful, try understanding. Try seeing things from our perspective, for a change.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> Again, I don't disagree with you. But I don't think you're paying close attention to the points I'm making, which you've admitted in this thread with your statement that you tend to skim longer posts. My point is not that everyone "has to" be partnered. I'm a strong advocate of singlehood and not partnering up just for the possibility of having a support system or expecting your partner to solve all your personal issues. My point is that when you have a partner, I don't think it's really your place to tell single people to "just buck up, just be happy."
> 
> .



i get where you're coming from. i just wanted to add that i kinda know BHD and felt she was just as happy when she was single. thats something i liked about her a lot. she never bemoaned being single to me. i knew she was looking like a lot of people but when we were together she was never miserable about it. she was just out there getting to know people and finding her fit like anyone fat or thin. what i love about her is that she never seemed to feel sorry for herself even then. so i don't think her having a partner has made her any different . i know she felt the same way when she was single. we talked about it face to face. she understood that the looking part was just a part of life for everybody and not something people should beat themselves up for having to do. i dunno but it seems healthier to approach it that way than as some kind of personal failing thats bound to beset a fat person because other people might not think we look right. we don't need yet another reason to beat ourselves up for being fat. i think thats a scary idea. i'm not sure its helpful to anybody. i don't want to invalidate anyone's feelings who say its a hard road to tow. but at the same time i wouldn't ever want to invalidate BHD's because if more of us could get with that program we'd probably be better off. its that old conflict between real and ideal. people have to be able to state the ideal because real needs a direction to go in.

i'm not so sure its about "just buck up and be happy" as it is "be sure not to wallow because if you are looking for a mate or anything else positive you're sure to miss it/them if you're concentrating on your misery navel". but more than that should it be about partnering anyway? i don't feel thats the only thing she was addressing. can't BBWs just be happy within themselves? why should they put the whole weight of their happiness and well being on a guy? is that even fair to him? i doubt that most people would want that responsibility and i wouldn't blame them. no wonder they'd run. even if it is about partnering wouldn't someone actually doing it have a lot thats valuable to say since it would be a little less blind leading the blind? for instance wouldn't a married woman have MORE to say about how to get or be married since she has actually done it or is doing it than someone who never has and is having a hard time making a connection? couldn't it be a relief to some people to hear its not as big or as bad of a deal as you think. i think maybe we need to be careful that we aren't looking for company in our misery both temporary and otherwise and that we don't end up doing what lots of women do--that is resenting anything that makes us feel even more of a failure by comparison. we might need to stop looking at things as some kind of negative comparison and more as an inspiration. "she did it so its not impossible for me" kind of thing. good news for a fat woman shouldn't equal worse bad news for the rest of us . it needs to be more good news for the rest of us. we have to remember to take encouragement and nourishment in those things we see in others that we want.

even without the partnering issue i do think she has something especially valuable to say about watching the overall tone and making sure we don't get too down in the dumps about every issue or subject whether its relationships or not. we have to be careful not to create some kind of negative self fulfilling prophecy for people. shouldn't it be be more about "you can because you're fat" than "you can't because you're fat"?


----------



## Jes (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> I don't, in fact, feel she's targeting me because I haven't created threads about feeling a lack of confidence or feeling frustrated about being single on this forum. I _do_ sometimes feel those things, but I haven't created threads about them here. Therefore, I don't feel bobblehead was making reference to me, specifically, but to other women on this forum who have created threads about feeling a lack of self confidence or lamenting their singlehood, and sharing their feelings openly about it. And as I wrote in my previous post, I don't feel it's fair of her to tell single women here to "just live your life, just be happy" unless she's a single woman herself. It's like thin people trying to tell fat people how to be. We're not coming from the same perspective, we're not sharing the same experiences, so advice such as this is not helpful to us. If you want to be helpful, try understanding. Try seeing things from our perspective, for a change.


What perspective, 30s? The fat and single perspective? I've just become involved with someone after being single for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. IN A ROW. A LONG, LONG ROW. So I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'for a change.' In fact, when I read that line, I laughed out loud. 

I find it difficult to understand your first post and the post above in concert with one another. I didn't say you started threads, but you did say 'give us a break' and 'navigating life on our own.' You're allover those phrases, but now you don't feel she's addressing you? While I'm frustrated by our exchange, I'm not trying to attack you, I just truly don't understand what you're saying, here.

And, perhaps the OP changed her original post. Perhaps she removed comments about single women and complaining about not having partners. Perhaps you read that before she changed it, and responded to it. Is that what happened? Your reply would make more sense if that were the case.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

Jes said:


> What perspective, 30s? The fat and single perspective? I've just become involved with someone after being single for 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. IN A ROW. A LONG, LONG ROW. So I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'for a change.' In fact, when I read that line, I laughed out loud.



Yes, the fat and single perspective. How _dare_ I stand up for single people and say that we should be allowed to express our frustrations about being single and not have partnered people tell us how to be! The audacity! Such a downer!  And for the record, the 'for a change' was not directed at you, but at bobblehead.



Jes said:


> I find it difficult to understand your first post and the post above in concert with one another. I didn't say you started threads, but you did say 'give us a break' and 'navigating life on our own.' You're allover those phrases, but now you don't feel she's addressing you? While I'm frustrated by our exchange, I'm not trying to attack you, I just truly don't understand what you're saying, here.



If you're not attacking me and have a genuine interest in my feelings about this thread, then why do I feel so attacked? In an effort to play fair and give your 'non-attacking' questions a fair shake, I'll answer your initial question again in hopes that you might pay attention this time. I didn't feel bobblehead was addressing me specifically with her post. But I'm a single person myself, which is why I include myself in statements I've made about single people in this thread, such as "give us a break," etc. While bobblehead is not going after me specifically, she _is_ making a statement about single people on this forum, coming from the perspective of a partnered person. As an advocate for singlehood, I felt a need to speak up. 

Bobblehead's post also came hot on the heels of Isamarie's threads in the BBW forum about feeling a lack of confidence and not always liking dealing with being single and the dating scene. I felt her statements were directed at Isamarie and some of the single women here who can identify with Isa's feelings about lacking confidence and feeling frustration with the dating scene, such as myself. I felt like bobblehead was glossing over our experiences and telling us to "just be happy," "just enjoy life," which is not what single women need to hear from someone who is partnered. Just like I don't need to hear Jillian Michaels tell me what an unacceptable, unlovable slob I am simply because I'm fat.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

i'm not understanding something here. why is this an attack on single people? i didn't see that anywhere in her post. was it there before or something?


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> Just like I don't need to hear Jillian Michaels tell me what an unacceptable, unlovable slob I am simply because I'm fat.



Except that Bobbleheaddoll didn't suggest anything of the sort. 

I'm single, I didn't read her post as anything other than her saying get out and live life. We get one shot at it and if we spend time waiting around for someone to share it with, its gonna pass us by.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> i get where you're coming from. i just wanted to add that i kinda know BHD and felt she was just as happy when she was single. thats something i liked about her a lot. she never bemoaned being single to me. i knew she was looking like a lot of people but when we were together she was never miserable about it. she was just out there getting to know people and finding her fit like anyone fat or thin. what i love about her is that she never seemed to feel sorry for herself even then. so i don't think her having a partner has made her any different . i know she felt the same way when she was single. we talked about it face to face. she understood that the looking part was just a part of life for everybody and not something people should beat themselves up for having to do. i dunno but it seems healthier to approach it that way than as some kind of personal failing thats bound to beset a fat person because other people might not think we look right. we don't need yet another reason to beat ourselves up for being fat. i think thats a scary idea. i'm not sure its helpful to anybody. i don't want to invalidate anyone's feelings who say its a hard road to tow. but at the same time i wouldn't ever want to invalidate BHD's because if more of us could get with that program we'd probably be better off. its that old conflict between real and ideal. people have to be able to state the ideal because real needs a direction to go in.



I'm glad bobblehead was able to stay positive while single and dating. But that's not true for all of us all of the time and I feel it's unfair to tell those of us who are still struggling with it to "just be happy," "just live your life." It doesn't work that way for all of us and having our feelings invalidated by someone who is partnered isn't helpful and won't get us on the road to discovering self-fulfillment (with a partner or without) any time sooner.

I agree that we don't need another reason to beat ourselves up, to continuously engage in negative self-talk. But the best way to get through it and discover our own fulfillment is _on our own_, maybe with the help of a good therapist, and without partnered people telling us how to be, how to hurry up and discover the end of the rainbow simply because they've found theirs. Sometimes while you're walking your own path to self-fulfillment, it helps to have a place to come and express your feelings about how hard it can sometimes be to walk the walk, with people who can understand and identify where you're coming from, without people who will tell you how to be simply because they found their way to self-fulfillment before you did.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Except that Bobbleheaddoll didn't suggest anything of the sort.
> 
> I'm single, I didn't read her post as anything other than her saying get out and live life. We get one shot at it and if we spend time waiting around for someone to share it with, its gonna pass us by.


 
It's an analogy ...........................


----------



## Donna (Oct 24, 2010)

I'm personally not good with unsolicited advice unless it comes from a source very close to me. Beyond that, though, I guess what I don't understand is why it's considered "unfair" for a partnered/married woman to give advice to a single woman? Please tell me I don't have to point out that partnered/married women were formerly single, so perhaps they can lend a perspective that a woman who has never been partnered might not have. That perspective may be spot on, or it could be complete hooey...so I am not saying that advice from a partnered/married woman is any more valid than from a single woman. Both have merit, in my opinion.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> I'm glad bobblehead was able to stay positive while single and dating. But that's not true for all of us all of the time and I feel it's unfair to tell those of us who are still struggling with it to "just be happy," "just live your life." It doesn't work that way for all of us and having our feelings invalidated by someone who is partnered isn't helpful and won't get us on the road to discovering self-fulfillment (with a partner or without) any time sooner.
> 
> I agree that we don't need another reason to beat ourselves up, to continuously engage in negative self-talk. But the best way to get through it and discover our own fulfillment is _on our own_, maybe with the help of a good therapist, and without partnered people telling us how to be, how to hurry up and discover the end of the rainbow simply because they've found theirs. Sometimes while you're walking your own path to self-fulfillment, it helps to have a place to come and express your feelings about how hard it can sometimes be to walk the walk, with people who can understand and identify where you're coming from, without people who will tell you how to be simply because they found their way to self-fulfillment before you did.



i'm sorry but i don't see it as an "i'm better than you" post. how are we supposed to ever feel uplifted if we're only talking about how bad everything is. as i read the post it was more about how things should be. goals are important.

the post says absolutely nothing about being single v partnered. respectfully, i think you are reading things in that aren't there in the post. you may have some other knowledge thats coloring your opinion. and you may want to think about why you're taking it the way that you are.


----------



## Jes (Oct 24, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> Yeah, how _dare_ I stand up for single people and say that we should be allowed to express our frustrations about being single and not have partnered people tell us how to be! The audacity! Such a downer!
> 
> I felt like bobblehead was glossing over our experiences and telling us to "just be happy," "just enjoy life," which is not what single women need to hear from someone who is partnered. Just like I don't need to hear Jillian Michaels tell me what an unacceptable, unlovable slob I am simply because I'm fat.




To your first point, I say: you've missed my point entirely. I didn't, and don't, say that you can't express your frustrations. I did, and do, say that you shouldn't tell anyone who is well-versed in (undesired) singlehood that she has no understanding or empathy. I can't believe you don't see that those are 2 entirely different things, so I'm wondering what's really going on. If you got a boyfriend tomorrow, would you honestly think that you wouldn't have understanding or empathy for a fat woman who is single? Would you like to be told that you didn't? Would you think it accurate? Would you think it helpful or constructive? Or would you think it really fucking wrong?

To your second point, I say: I'm still not seeing where the OP talked about single women. You've gotten closer to the issue by saying you feel she was starting a thread to discuss someone else's comments elsewhere. But look at what you, yourself, wrote 30s. 'I felt...I felt...I feel.' That's exactly right. You feel. You don't know. You don't know that that's why she posted, you don't know that that's what she means and you don't know that she's addressing you or any other single woman. Obviously, you think so, I get it, but thinking isn't knowing. And that's what I'm taking issue with, here. 

In terms of why you feel so attacked when I, and many others, don't attack you, I can't say, 30s. Only you can answer that for yourself. And while I agree that sounds flippant, I actually, truly, don't mean it that way. I see a lot of anguish in a lot of your posts and they put me on edge--in part, b/c I used to sound more like you, and in part b/c I think you have the potential to be free of a lot of that and I hope you make that happen. You are certainly worth it.

I've said my piece, I've tried to understand your piece and I'm not going to keep debating this. I sense it's devolving before my eyes and, like the OP said, I'm making the choice not to be anguished today. Good luck.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> i'm sorry but i don't see it as an "i'm better than you" post. how are we supposed to ever feel uplifted if we're only talking about how bad everything is. as i read the post it was more about how things should be. goals are important.
> 
> the post says absolutely nothing about being single v partnered. respectfully, i think you are reading things in that aren't there in the post. you may have some other knowledge thats coloring your opinion. and you may want to think about why you're taking it the way that you are.



I don't think bobblehead's intentions were to say she's better than anyone, but rather to express her frustration about recent threads that women have created in this forum about their own lack of confidence and feelings of frustration with the dating scene. Her post came hot on the heels of Isamarie's thread about that very issue.

However, had she just expressed her frustrations about reading those kinds of complaints on this forum, I would take no issue with it. What I take issue with was the points she made in her post which seem to express a design for living for fat, single women, as in "these are the things you should do to be happy." Which, again, is not what a fat, single person needs to hear from a partnered person. Bobblehead was able to keep a positive outlook while single and dating, which is great, and has now found a partner, which is great. But her experiences are not reflective of mine or of many other fat, single women who post in this forum or elsewhere.


----------



## EvilPrincess (Oct 24, 2010)

*Not everyone has had the chance to review what this board is about... *

*BBW*: Stands for Big Beautiful Woman, a magazine and acronym owned by our Webmaster, Conrad Blickenstorfer. We operate from the literal meaning of the acronym, that big truly is beautiful.

*Purpose of this forum*: This forum is for discussion of BBW-only issues, by BBW about living as a BBW. We welcome on-topic commentary from SSBBW, non-BBW and all others. There are many other forums for discussion of other subjects, but this is the go-to place for on-topic sharing of our experiences living as big, beautiful women in a society not geared towards recognizing the acronym as a truism. Like the rest of Dimensions, this board is fat-positive.

*The rules are simple*: the Golden Rule rules here. Please treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself.

This board was created to foster solidarity, sharing and learning from each other. An important requirement is the desire to build community and help one another, not tear each other down; therefore, nastiness and flaming will not be tolerated at all. The dream is that this will be such a positive board that actually having to wander over to the un-fun aspects of moderating rarely happens.

It is also important to stay on-topic so that a valuable discussion will not be sidetracked and diverted to some other issue not having to do with the subject at hand.

*For Non-BBW posters*: This is a public but protected board much the way the Erotic Weight Gain and FA/FFA boards are protected. Non-bbw posters who venture here should take care to provide postive and non-disruptive posts.

*Compliments*: They're usually a good thing, but we ask that the opposite sex refrain from complimenting any photos here. If we want to be admired, we'll post our pics on one of the other boards. Thank you for understanding that. And if you don't, just take our word for it that it's important to a number of our community members.

If a BBW starts a thread asking specifically for BBW input, DO NOT comment in the thread. Doing so will be considered disruptive, and will result in infractions and/or a possible loss of some or all posting privileges for 
BBW board.

*The following topics will be considered explicitly disruptive*:

-Sexually inappropriate/disrespectful comments.
-Misogynistic (woman hating) or misandrynistic (man hating) comments from any poster.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 24, 2010)

Jes said:


> To your first point, I say: you've missed my point entirely. I didn't, and don't, say that you can't express your frustrations. I did, and do, say that you shouldn't tell anyone who is well-versed in (undesired) singlehood that she has no understanding or empathy. I can't believe you don't see that those are 2 entirely different things, so I'm wondering what's really going on. If you got a boyfriend tomorrow, would you honestly think that you wouldn't have understanding or empathy for a fat woman who is single? Would you like to be told that you didn't? Would you think it accurate? Would you think it helpful or constructive? Or would you think it really fucking wrong?



Um... I wouldn't find a boyfriend in a day. I might have a successful _date_, but he's not a boyfriend after one date. It takes months of dating and getting to know someone before I would consider them a boyfriend. During those months of successful dating and then the start of a hopefully successful relationship, I would not trot out my design for living to other single women. I would feel happy that I'd found a partner who fits me, but it's not my place to tell single people how to change their feelings and live their lives in order to find a partner like I did. That journey is their own and the things they feel and discover as they make that journey are their own.

Taking the partner out of the equation, the same would apply if I finally reached a state of fulfillment in my life as a single person. Personally, I don't think that's really our goal in life, to reach a state of complete fulfillment, or a reality. I don't think we ever reach a place in our lives when we say "I'm completely fulfilled, I'll never feel unhappy or unsatisfied again." We might have periods in our lives when we feel happier and more satisfied than we have in previous stages in our lives, but I don't think we ever discover complete fulfillment, full stop. Life is a journey and a process, and should I arrive at a place of relative fulfillment at some point on my journey, I'm not going to tell others how to do it just like I did because they have to find their way on their own. I might express my frustration about hearing or reading their complaints, but I'm not going to say "just do it this way" and expect it to happen for them.



Jes said:


> To your second point, I say: I'm still not seeing where the OP talked about single women. You've gotten closer to the issue by saying you feel she was starting a thread to discuss someone else's comments elsewhere. But look at what you, yourself, wrote 30s. 'I felt...I felt...I feel.' That's exactly right. You feel. You don't know. You don't know that that's why she posted, you don't know that that's what she means and you don't know that she's addressing you or any other single woman. Obviously, you think so, I get it, but thinking isn't knowing. And that's what I'm taking issue with, here.



I'm a pretty perceptive person. Had Bobblehead's post not shown up so quickly after Isamarie's post, I might feel differently about her intentions. But it seems pretty clear to me.


----------



## Inhibited (Oct 24, 2010)

> thirtiesgirl said:
> 
> 
> > Again, I don't disagree with you. But I don't think you're paying close attention to the points I'm making, *which you've admitted in this thread with your statement that you tend to skim longer **posts*.
> ...


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 24, 2010)

bobbleheaddoll said:


> well gals,
> 
> it's true...i rarely ever come into the bbw room anymore because, honestly, it's a bummer. i understand everyone has issues and deals with things their own way...but this is my happy post for all the big girls out there who:
> 
> ...


Best to you too, BHD!!! I miss you and am so happy for you too! Don't be a stranger!


----------



## bobbleheaddoll (Oct 24, 2010)

my darlings...just to clarify...

a. i posted this as a one off statement...i haven't even read anything by isamarie and have no intention of. my comment regarding this board being depressing is my overall impression...as i have been reading this board since it was opened. i do realize my dears that not everyone is at the same place in their life as me...and to those still working on themselves...i do hope you can find the love for yourself. my comments were to send rep and love to everyone who had fought the interal fight and found their inner love. so many of the posts on here are about the girls still working on it...just wanted to send some love to those who have and let those still fighting know it is possible.

b. fyi..i just got married in august. at the ripe old age of 38! i dated regularly and had not committed, as i was waiting for 'the one'. yes, i have attained self confidence and the ability to socially interact in a positive way. my comments had nothing to do with marital status. i was this fantastic as a single girl too . single or married...you have to love yourself before you can love others.

c. much love to all the girls who haven't gotten this far...just know the ability to find true hapiness is in YOU. 

d. i salute all the bbw out there who have...:kiss2:

much love to all.


----------



## LovelyLiz (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't know you at all, Bobblehead, but in general I'm not a big fan of statements in any context that read like: "Hey, I hope all of you can one day be as evolved as I am." They just seem really condescending. Maybe your post was meant to be encouraging, it comes off a bit condemning tho - of women who are already kind of miserable. And while constantly miserable people can be wearing, and I think most all of us want them to learn to find joy and contentment in the beauty and wonder of their daily lives (and that only they can do that for themselves), I think they need to feel truly heard and empathized with before they are willing to hear any positive/encouraging advice you may have. Otherwise you're just some happy-go-lucky stranger, and you have no legitimate right to say anything about their pain, their lives, or their happiness.

I'm sincerely happy for your love for yourself, and that you have found a wonderful partner, and that you are at a good place in life. That's really great! I know also that life is perfect for none of us, and I hope that when you do go through times of real sadness and struggle, that there will be people who will thoroughly listen to you and be with you in your pain for a time, without rushing you to the silver lining.


----------



## AnnMarie (Oct 25, 2010)

I liked your post, and agree with all of it. 

 


We've all got bad and good in our lives, but you hope that good outweighs bad and that you try everyday to grab joy - in whatever way you can, some bad days it's just spending time with my kitties or laughing over something ridiculous with a friend, or a simple text message from a friend I love saying they were thinking of me. I'm far from Mary Sunshine (I know, hard to believe) - but I love laughing and being silly and drinking in the people I love. Those are great things and I hope everyone can find those good things. 

And congrats, BHD, on your nuptials.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 25, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> I don't know you at all, Bobblehead, but in general I'm not a big fan of statements in any context that read like: "Hey, I hope all of you can one day be as evolved as I am." They just seem really condescending. Maybe your post was meant to be encouraging, it comes off a bit condemning tho - of women who are already kind of miserable. And while constantly miserable people can be wearing, and I think most all of us want them to learn to find joy and contentment in the beauty and wonder of their daily lives (and that only they can do that for themselves), I think they need to feel truly heard and empathized with before they are willing to hear any positive/encouraging advice you may have. Otherwise you're just some happy-go-lucky stranger, and you have no legitimate right to say anything about their pain, their lives, or their happiness.
> 
> I'm sincerely happy for your love for yourself, and that you have found a wonderful partner, and that you are at a good place in life. That's really great! I know also that life is perfect for none of us, and I hope that when you do go through times of real sadness and struggle, that there will be people who will thoroughly listen to you and be with you in your pain for a time, without rushing you to the silver lining.



This - all of it.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 26, 2010)

i disagree with some of the previous posts because a fat woman shouldn't have to keep it a secret that she feels centered. its weird and counterproductive in a place for BBWs to think commune and hopefully make some positive changes in their lives. also i think its a lot of reading in to say someone is saying they are more evolved than you just because they feel centered. truthfully speaking though, if a woman does feel centered and another does not then maybe she IS more evolved since thats the goal of the woman who does not feel centered--unless its felt that its healthier and desirable somehow to be at odds with your own body and your own reality. its kind of odd to think that on a site where evolving as a fat woman is so important that a woman is admonished when she feels she is. always keeping things to a misery level is disheartening and depressing if thats all you do. what does it say about fat women if they can't stand it if some other fat woman has something they aspire to. there is something nutty about that and IMO typically catty.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 26, 2010)

could you delete the previous post please 

i disagree with some of the previous posts because a fat woman shouldn't have to keep it a secret that she feels centered. its weird and counterproductive in a place for BBWs to think commune and hopefully make some positive changes in their lives. also i think its a lot of reading in to say someone is saying they are more evolved than you just because they feel centered and would like to call out other women who do. truthfully speaking though, if a woman does feel centered and another does not then maybe she IS more evolved since thats the goal of the woman who does not feel centered--unless its felt that its healthier and desirable somehow to be at odds with your own body and your own reality.its kind of strange to think that evolving as a fat woman is admonished when she feels she has. 

always keeping things to a misery level is disheartening and depressing if thats all you do. what does it say about fat women if they can't stand it if some other fat woman has something they aspire to. should she disappear or light herself on fire just because the issues she has worked on or perhaps never had don't coincide with the distress some other women might feel for being fat? is she suddenly invalid just because she is no longer floundering? IMO there is something nutty about and sadly catty in that. i think its kinda low and small for fat women to have a bug up their ass if another woman feels good about herself or happens to have a man in her life. i think the real issue that seems to be bothering some is the fact that the op has found a partner that she had never mentioned here except in response to criticisms that she was somehow unworthy just because she had managed to find one. why should a fat woman push the self destruct button just because she isn't where she used to be and is happy about where she is now or has a relationship? whats wrong with calling out the other fat women who are happy to show that that reality exists? after all doesn't it get better for fat adults ever? if it doesn't we really should shut our mouths when it comes to telling young fat kids they actually have something good to look forward to in life. especially when we can't even seem to believe or tolerate the idea ourselves.

if something good happening to someone else makes you feel bad about yourself then maybe your own networks need to be rewired? being fat is not a pathology its a life to be lived. i agree that sometimes its tough but sometimes its joyous as well. people shouldn't be made to feel wrong or guilty just because they experience some happiness in their fat lives. should we be beating down people who say it exists only because it makes us uncomfortable because we might not be there yet? i for one am tired of women being forced to pretend their lives are a misery or less than it is because the get punished by other women for saying they have accomplished things they've wanted to. no wonder we hate our own bodies and each other so much. we don't allow each other to like anything about ourselves. people who are happy need to be heard and validated as well. its unfair to treat them like they are doing wrong just because they feel happy with themselves. not all fat women walk around looking sounding and acting like Eor all of the time and they definitely shouldn't be made to.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 26, 2010)

Supero, I suppose using the words nutty and catty is uplifting women. I think it is pretty rotten to not see that some women in this thread - some - are not cheering for misery and not being " centered ", when they took issue with anyone coming into this forum and talking about how much of a downer it is. That is devaluing struggles. 
There is nothing...nothing...wrong, and everything right, about proposing a spot in here to talk about ' getting places '. Even the women who are not as confident as you could chime in. It's all in how it is proposed...that pitch. Yes, it absolutley matters, particularly since the very women the positive needs to reach do not need to hear more of the same judging. Also, please remember that many of the women who speak of negatives here, in this forum, might be doing so because they know it won't be as easy to discount. I am betting every ' negative ' woman here has been ' postive ' elsewhere.
A truly positive person wouldn't make others feel like they are depressing as they work on themselves and their lives. I see very few wallowing in misery people in my roaming.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 26, 2010)

its well and good to be sympathetic and empathetic but there are also times when we all need a good kick in the butt no matter who we are. we are all strong enough to take it. we aren't going to weakly crumble if someone says something we don't like. an opinion on a forum shouldn't totally destroy us. if it does maybe it isn't a place we should be. sometimes just maybe we need to stop enabling each other so much. 

have you ever wondered why this forum isn't all that active? it can be kind of a downer sometimes. BHD isn't the first person to have thought it or said it. she probably won't be the last. she was just brave enough to post it here. i respect the other opinions but guess what ? there is more than one opinion. i only said what i know other people are thinking because i don't mind being flamed by anyone. if you feel its okay for women to beat up on each other just because someone feels good keep this crap up and no one will be coming to the BBW forum anymore.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 26, 2010)

Again...I think some women sometimes use this forum to say things where they know they have a better chance of not simply hearing " you are gorgeous! be confident! "...again...simply. hearing. Maybe you are not seeing some of those same women who you believe need a " kick in the butt ", posting elsewhere, talking about, with great joy, other things in their lives. You think that the bbw forum should be all any woman on this site needs? Why are you not seeing the positive elsewhere? Should that be analyzed?

I am just not seeing all this wallowing you are talking about. You have started some pretty provocative threads on this forums...threads which invite some of the very ' depressing ' posting you so despise. Now, I don't think those threads are ' bad ' at all, as they just invite different views...but why not keep things onward and upwards...no looking back...no rearview mirror posting? I see quite a bit of variety in this forum.

The OP said this place is depressing...her opinion...others gave theirs. Not sure there is much ' crumbling ' going on.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2010)

yes i have posted sad depressing hard threads but it doesn't mean i hate it when people post one with the idea of being positive. its my nature. its who i am. just like its somebody else's nature to post something they feel is uplifting. but honestly look at the forum over all. doesn't her opinion at least deserve some consideration? she ISN'T the only one who feels that way. and honestly the reasons for opposition weren't even in her posts--just things people made up in their own minds without even asking her intentions. they wanted to believe that was what she was saying and doing. why is that? why are people so quick to draw that negative impression with people they're supposed to be trying to have commaraderie with. beside that who is supposed to have a guarantee that they'll like every opinion here? isn't there something wrong with having that expectation? whatever happened to freedom?

i have to say i respect everyone's opinions here to a point but not paying attention to the point of the post with the use of bogus inventions just isn't right. sometimes you can't work on what you think implications are because they just might be wrong. among one another especially we should at least be willing to ask questions if we aren't sure where someone is coming from and thats NOT what they literally said in their post.


----------



## LovelyLiz (Oct 27, 2010)

It's one thing to say, "I feel really good about my life right now. I've worked really hard to get here, and it feels f*cking great to be at a place of peace and centeredness with myself, my body, and my life." (I actually love hearing these kinds of statements, and am grateful to have said something like this at various points.)

It's quite another thing to say, "Dang, so many of you people are such downers always feeling bad. Be positive! I did it, and my life is awesome. Why don't you all have awesome lives and feel constantly upbeat like me?"

To clarify, I didn't feel personally attacked or patronized by BHD's post - because I don't consider myself to be typically negative. For someone to celebrate herself and her accomplishments, I am seriously ALL FOR IT. Let's celebrate each other up in here! But let's also do it in a way where we aren't inadvertently (or advertently, if that's a word) kicking other people when they're down.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 27, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> > yes i have posted sad depressing hard threads but it doesn't mean i hate it when people post one with the idea of being positive. its my nature. its who i am.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2010)

mossystate said:


> superodalisque said:
> 
> 
> > So, when you stir up a ton of sad and depressing ( and I am not saying it is wrong, as it can start very difficult conversations ), you might be very instrumental in setting the tone of this forum. I feel, once again, like I am on the sidelines of a ping pong match/experiment.
> ...


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> It's one thing to say, "I feel really good about my life right now. I've worked really hard to get here, and it feels f*cking great to be at a place of peace and centeredness with myself, my body, and my life." (I actually love hearing these kinds of statements, and am grateful to have said something like this at various points.)
> 
> It's quite another thing to say, "Dang, so many of you people are such downers always feeling bad. Be positive! I did it, and my life is awesome. Why don't you all have awesome lives and feel constantly upbeat like me?"
> 
> To clarify, I didn't feel personally attacked or patronized by BHD's post - because I don't consider myself to be typically negative. For someone to celebrate herself and her accomplishments, I am seriously ALL FOR IT. Let's celebrate each other up in here! But let's also do it in a way where we aren't inadvertently (or advertently, if that's a word) kicking other people when they're down.



maybe because thats how she really feels and doesn't want to have to lie or pretend about it anymore. after all there are many here who are down who have no problem kicking people who they feel are up. if you kick someone they are liable to kick back. no one gets a free fat pass.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 27, 2010)

Supero, like I said...you are seeing ' avoidance ' where there just might not be any. Not totally sure what you are getting at with mentioning crimimal posts and courts, but I have a feeling you are running with things that don't always match up, are not always the same. You call this ' semantics '. Perhaps you are still smarting over being bashed because you said you were not ridiculed as a fat child. Maybe you are taking that energy and zeroing in on particular words...no matter if the connection is muddy at best. I truly do not think you are understanding...at all...what is being said here, and what is not. maybe take up with the individuals who make you upset...and not a whole forum of women. Like I said...I see lots of variety in posting, and I also understand that some women might seem like they are only dealing in the ' woe '...but I keep my eyes open to all they post.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2010)

mossystate said:


> Supero, like I said...you are seeing ' avoidance ' where there just might not be any. Not totally sure what you are getting at with mentioning crimimal posts and courts, but I have a feeling you are running with things that don't always match up, are not always the same. You call this ' semantics '. Perhaps you are still smarting over being bashed because you said you were not ridiculed as a fat child. Maybe you are taking that energy and zeroing in on particular words...no matter if the connection is muddy at best. I truly do not think you are understanding...at all...what is being said here, and what is not. maybe take up with the individuals who make you upset...and not a whole forum of women. Like I said...I see lots of variety in posting, and I also understand that some women might seem like they are only dealing in the ' woe '...but I keep my eyes open to all they post.



just goes to show that everyone has a different take on things no matter how wide their eyes are in the diligence of trying to take things in. everyone has something that colors their opinions which is usual and human. its good when other people can say straight that they think so. it gives all of us personal honesty and directness thats sometimes lacking and inert. its not that i just don't understand what some are saying but i just don't happen to agree. i don't think i have to either.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 27, 2010)

Well, seeing how I am aware of just how complicated most of the women are out here...sharing the woe and the joy...the way you are digging in here might actually do more harm to those young and silent women who are reading this forum. Thinking it is a good thing to be less ' scolding ' when wanting to hear more good, will be much more beneficial to those lurking women. A person who is down and already silent...really doesn't need to see that they are ' downers '... before they even open their mouths, or allow their fingertips to tell their stories, the good and the not so great. ' Semantics ' sometimes matter...that's all...don't see a problem with wanting to start off good without stepping on others. Oh well.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 28, 2010)

why do you think the fat women who are silent here are necessarily down?


----------



## mossystate (Oct 28, 2010)

I feel like I am swimming in a vat of pudding.

Supero, I said a person who is down.......I never said all the lurkers are down.


----------



## Lovelyone (Oct 28, 2010)

BHD--I love this posting. IMHO the intent of your posting was to be a positive influence and share some advice that might help someone learn to deal with the issues that have been bogging them down and keeping them from finding their happiness, whether it be in finding a partner, loving their family, enjoying their work...etc. I got a lot from this posting and I am a single (hopefully not for long) woman. I love that you took a chance at posting some good tidings to all the ladies and with this posting you've actually given me a #5.




bobbleheaddoll said:


> well gals,
> 
> it's true...i rarely ever come into the bbw room anymore because, honestly, it's a bummer. i understand everyone has issues and deals with things their own way...but this is my happy post for all the big girls out there who:
> 
> ...


----------



## one2one (Oct 31, 2010)

I liked the post and thought it was more akin to the desire to spread a little of the joy around. Sort of a post 60s, virtual version of handing out daisies and inviting everyone to join the love-in. 

Not so much though, huh. I'll just be going then ... carry on.


----------



## iamaJenny (Nov 2, 2010)

Wow. This whole conversation seems really depressing and negative to me. I thought Bobblehead's original post was pretty upbeat and positive. I have no clue how it could have spawned such negative reactions, but looking at how quickly it all went downhill, I would say she has a point...


----------



## Jes (Nov 2, 2010)

iamaJenny said:


> I have no clue how it could have spawned such negative reactions, but looking at how quickly it all went downhill, I would say she has a point...



haha. Right?


----------



## LovelyLiz (Nov 2, 2010)

I re-read the original post in this thread, and it is less confrontational than I initially thought and talked about in my responses. My first read of BHD's post in this thread was colored by other posts I've read of hers, instead of just taking it on its own. 

I'm all for having a place where people can share their good news about what's going well in their lives, if people feel like that would be helpful. Maybe we can have a thread dedicated just to that?


----------



## CastingPearls (Nov 2, 2010)

I think it has to do with one's approach on everything. If you view everything (or a lot of what) people have to say with suspicion and negativity, you're going to read everything that way no matter what their intent could be. 

I agree that the responses in this thread proved BHD's point.


----------



## LovelyLiz (Nov 2, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I think it has to do with one's approach on everything. If you view everything (or a lot of what) people have to say with suspicion and negativity, you're going to read everything that way no matter what their intent could be.
> 
> I agree that the responses in this thread proved BHD's point.



True. And sometimes people show themselves to be a certain way through their postings, and it affects how you read what they say. I think that's pretty natural, we do that in real life too; and hear people's words through what we have come to know about them over time (sometimes that means we give them the benefit of the doubt, sometimes it means we don't).


----------



## mossystate (Nov 2, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> I think it has to do with one's approach on everything. If you view everything (or a lot of what) people have to say with suspicion and negativity, you're going to read everything that way no matter what their intent could be.
> 
> I agree that the responses in this thread proved BHD's point.



Well, that certainly stops any voice that doesn't agree with 'you'...or attempts it. If someone defined you as being mostly ______ ( fill in the blank ), you would then be judged by some as not being able to make a valid point, pretty much ever, because of what others see as your " approach ". That is a slippery slope, and ends up being what you don't like...suspicious. I know I disagreed with the language used...I still do...and yet I said it had nothing to do with not wanting to see positive. Have to be able to separate.


----------



## LalaCity (Nov 3, 2010)

thirtiesgirl said:


> Just yesterday, I was at a social gathering with some friends, both men and women. A new woman showed up to the gathering who many people hadn't met before. She's young, slender and very pretty, and I immediately observed a subtle shift in the attention of several straight guys in the group. Without realizing it, they turned their focus to her, spoke only to her, asked her questions, and essentially, stopped paying attention to other women in the group.




Wow -- they were _subtle_ about it?


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Nov 3, 2010)

LalaCity said:


> Wow -- they were _subtle_ about it?



Yes. The group I hang with has several rather nerd-ish guys in it who aren't very adept at or used to relating to women in more direct ways. Get them talking about Linux, Playstation games, sci-fi movies or comic books and they can talk your leg off. Not so much when it comes to women. Introduce a young, slender, pretty girl into the group and suddenly all antennae are turning in her direction. It was kind of amusing to watch, actually, how many guys' heads turned in her direction and stayed focused on her, and a few of them moved to be closer to her physically, as if being physically nearer to her might make some difference in her perception of them, even they didn't say a word.


----------



## superodalisque (Nov 14, 2010)

mcbeth said:


> True. And sometimes people show themselves to be a certain way through their postings, and it affects how you read what they say. I think that's pretty natural, we do that in real life too; and hear people's words through what we have come to know about them over time (sometimes that means we give them the benefit of the doubt, sometimes it means we don't).



you all have a good point. but no matter what someone's mindset is we still have an opportunity to make it into something positive if we really want to by how we respond to it. it would be good if we don't miss opportunities to do something good for each other sometimes.


----------



## lollipops708 (Jun 28, 2011)

thirtiesgirl said:


> You misunderstood me, or were selectively reading, one of the two. I agree that if you don't have self confidence and value yourself, it makes it harder to find a romantic partner, and sometimes harder to keep one. My point was that just telling us to "buck up! Stop hating yourself! Be happy! Live your life!" is not going to accomplish that goal. And single women are going to be much less likely to accept that "helpful" advice from a woman who is partnered. When we have one of those days when every message we get seems to be saying "fat is bad," we go home and deal with it on our own. We don't have a partner to be our support system and remind us that we're valued and loved, a partner who is seen by western society as an indication of our value as human beings, particularly as fat women. And after a long period of days like that, when every message we receive seems to be saying "fat is bad," "you're not worthy," we get damn tired of dealing with it on our own and need a place where we can express our feelings about it, around other people who can understand what we're feeling. Just telling us to "live your life! Be happy!" isn't the answer. Try remembering what it's like to be a single fat woman and understand what we're feeling.



i completely agree with pretty much all that you're saying , except one part.
you keep saying to have patience and understanding with all the single fat girls. but i honestly dont think that being single or partnerd up makes much of a difference. 

not all who are partnerd up are happy with said partners, and even the ones that are happy with their significant other,are still often not happy with themselves or there body image.

At the same time a partner can actually make all of your self image and self esteem worse. case in point. my mother was a bbw and while she was married to my father all he could ever say was how disgusting she was and how he hated everything about her. constantly telling her to stop being so disgusting in her existence. and has over my teenage and few adult years i have, made simillar refrences to my size and weight. 

so all I want to really get across is that it doesnt matter if you're partnerd up or not. it is about coming to terms with who you are regardless of you are or are not with. this forum is made for bbws to come together and nurture each other, and try and help one another when it comes to lovining your self and not only accepting the body that you're in but rejoicing in it.


----------

