# FA Relationships



## fingermonkies (Jul 21, 2013)

I live with and love a girl that I've been dating for two years. She's moderately proportioned, with a nice body and fairly big boobs - the dream of most guys lives. As an FA, I would love to see her gain, and this is often the source of my fantasies. I'd love to see her gain, and encourage it, but the thought of either coming forward with my feelings or simply encouraging it makes me feel like a creep. We've discussed getting married, having kids and starting a life together - I am totally cool with this and would be honoured to live my life with this woman. Here's my question:

I'm an FA, and have been my whole life. Do I reveal this to my girlfriend, since we hold no secrets, or not? Is this the kind of sacrifice one makes for their partner, and should there be no secrets in a lifelong relationship?

I am very interested to hear what you all think, so please let me know. I'm assuming there are a few of you out there that have been through this, so please help me out if you can.


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## The Orange Mage (Jul 21, 2013)

fingermonkies said:


> *As an FA, I would love to see her gain, and this is often the source of my fantasies.* I'd love to see her gain, and encourage it, but the thought of either coming forward with my feelings or simply encouraging it makes me feel like a creep. We've discussed getting married, having kids and starting a life together - I am totally cool with this and would be honoured to live my life with this woman. Here's my question:
> 
> I'm an FA, and have been my whole life. Do I reveal this to my girlfriend, since we hold no secrets, or not? Is this the kind of sacrifice one makes for their partner, and should there be no secrets in a lifelong relationship?
> 
> I am very interested to hear what you all think, so please let me know. I'm assuming there are a few of you out there that have been through this, so please help me out if you can.



_Hello?!?!_ You're a *goddamn* *FEEDER*. I don't even know where to begin! Basically, WHAT THE HELL makes you think you can take a supposedly "normal, mainstream" woman with what sounds like a not-fat body and turn her into a fat feedee woman? Why have you let the relationship go this far without bringing ANY of this up? Sexual compatibility is a big freakin' deal!

So even if you decide to tell her, what if she says no? Will you be able to repress your urges without it causing issues? What if she says yes, and goes along with it _only to please you_ even though she doesn't like it?

I'll just say what I always say: Feeders should be with feedees. You know, people who are already feedees before you're even in the picture.


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## loopytheone (Jul 21, 2013)

The Orange Mage said:


> _Hello?!?!_ You're a *goddamn* *FEEDER*. I don't even know where to begin! Basically, WHAT THE HELL makes you think you can take a supposedly "normal, mainstream" woman with what sounds like a not-fat body and turn her into a fat feedee woman? Why have you let the relationship go this far without bringing ANY of this up? Sexual compatibility is a big freakin' deal!
> 
> So even if you decide to tell her, what if she says no? Will you be able to repress your urges without it causing issues? What if she says yes, and goes along with it _only to please you_ even though she doesn't like it?
> 
> I'll just say what I always say: Feeders should be with feedees. You know, people who are already feedees before you're even in the picture.



Well to use your words, what the hell makes you think you can make rapid judgments about people and what does and doesn't work in a relationship? Do you think that feeders or people who like weight gain can't get sexually excited or having fulfilling sex lives unless their partner is in a constant state of weight gain? It isn't a necessity for most feeders to have their partner gaining weight in order to find them attractive. And why should feeders always have to be paired with feedees? First off, what gives you the right to tell other people who they should or shouldn't be in a relationship with? Or that their relationship isn't healthy or wont work because they don't happen to have matching kinks? I mean, it is no different to being with a partner who really has a fetish for biting. You don't need to have the same fetish or include it at all in sex play in order to have a healthy sex and romantic life. And as for why you might get that far into a relationship without mentioning it, oh, I don't know, because you are too busy getting to know the person and falling in love with their personality and everything else about them? Most people don't make a list of sexual kinks and present it to their partners the moment things start to get serious. The guy clearly loves and cares about his partner, just because he is a feeder doesn't mean that he is going to abuse her or fatten her up without her consent. I hate the terrible wrap anybody who likes weight gain gets around these parts. It is prejudice, pure and simple, and it isn't okay.

Also, haven't we had enough biting the heads off of new people every time they post something and attacking them? No wonder there aren't many new members theses days...


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## fingermonkies (Jul 21, 2013)

That was a pretty harsh reply, although I understand where you're coming from Orange Mage. I suppose I should have been more clear in stating that I'd like to see her gain, but it's not a deal breaker if she doesn't. I'd love her at any size, that's why I'm so afraid to lose her if I reveal my kink to her. You're right, I don't want her to simply go along with it to please me, and if she doesn't like it then I don't want this to always be in the back of her mind. Sexual compatibility is a big freakin' deal - we wouldn't have been together for this long if we weren't already compatible. But, what if she's into something like sucking toes? It might be the kind of thing she could live without and still have a healthy sex life. Or maybe I'm totally wrong - that's why I asked for some advice.


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## Jon Blaze (Jul 21, 2013)

I'm glad you took the time to clarify how you feel. But it is still a difficult question to answer. You sound content with the way she is, but the fulfillment of your kink would push the relationship to higher levels on your end. Am I right about that? 

I am sure in the two years you've been dating that you know a lot about one another. Have you two had conversations about personal fantasies? I think it might be a healthy thing to consider especially if marriage is your intention. You can make it about both of you, and see if a common ground can be reached. How important is your preference in this case? Is it nagging you, or can you manage with what you have? I would definitely consider having a conversation if it's the former. 

Best of luck.


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## ScreamingChicken (Jul 21, 2013)

Lay all your cards on the table. You owe it to her and yourself. Just make it a point to let her know that it's not a deal breaker for you and that you don't expect her to gain for you. She may appreciate the honesty and it brings you closer. Of course, the opposite could happen too. 

Best of luck.


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## musicman (Jul 21, 2013)

fingermonkies said:


> I live with and love a girl that I've been dating for two years. She's moderately proportioned, with a nice body and fairly big boobs - the dream of most guys lives. As an FA, I would love to see her gain, and this is often the source of my fantasies. I'd love to see her gain, and encourage it, but the thought of either coming forward with my feelings or simply encouraging it makes me feel like a creep. We've discussed getting married, having kids and starting a life together - I am totally cool with this and would be honoured to live my life with this woman. Here's my question:
> 
> I'm an FA, and have been my whole life. Do I reveal this to my girlfriend, since we hold no secrets, or not? Is this the kind of sacrifice one makes for their partner, and should there be no secrets in a lifelong relationship?
> 
> I am very interested to hear what you all think, so please let me know. I'm assuming there are a few of you out there that have been through this, so please help me out if you can.




Should you tell her your fantasies? I think it depends greatly on her own attitude toward her body and her weight. If she has struggled at all with her weight in the past (like 99% of all women, sad to say), she probably won't take it well. In that case, I'd recommend that you keep your fantasies to yourself. You don't have to share every innermost thought with your partner.

It's possible that discussing this MIGHT enhance your intimacy, but you have to be prepared for a bad outcome. It's a gamble. Most people don't react well to being told their partner fantasizes about someone other than themselves. Assuming she's not going to gain weight for you, the only other positive outcome might be that your fantasies could be incorporated into sexual roleplaying or foreplay. That's possible, but it would depend on how much she already knows about FAs and feeders. Most people automatically assume non-mainstream preferences are sick and perverted, so you have to be prepared for that reaction.

I'm not saying you should have to hide who you are, but if you've already spent two years with her, and are eager to spend more, how important are those fantasies? Only you can answer that. Good luck with your decision...


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## fingermonkies (Jul 21, 2013)

Thank you very much for replying everyone! Sound advice all around, and that is exactly what I was hoping for. I have some thinking to do, but this helps that process quite a bit. I was leaning in the direction of telling her, and sometimes one just needs to hear someone else say it to realize that they're right or wrong. It's a personal matter, and I'm glad to have a place like this to ask for support!


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## Tad (Jul 22, 2013)

You have an advantage over us, in that you know your gf, and will know all sorts of things about her personality, friends, family, etc. Im going to make some broad generalizations here, so youll need to think about whether these really apply to you and your GF or not.

So, first of all, those FA and feeder type feelings you have probably wont ever go away. For a while, years back, I ran a yahoo group for married/attached FA, and the story you heard the most was guys who had been married for twenty years, and were so happy when their 130 pounds wife gained ten pounds over the holidays and winter and were so sad when she lost it again as the weather warmed up, or stories like that. These were good guys, committed to their partner, who didnt force their fat-lust on their partner.but after a couple of decades still couldnt make it go away, convenient though that would have been. So you need to think carefully about how you feel about that sort of futurefrom what youve said, you are willing to cope with it, but be sure. Because as Orange Mage said, if you have to have the fat stuff, especially if you have to have weight gain, then you shouldnt be with someone who isnt into that stuff.

Second: people who are not already into weight gain generally wont become into it. Somebut only somecan become comfortable with weighing somewhat more, but they arent ever apt to find it erotic if they dont find fat to be erotic now. So even if she does gain some weight and you beat the odds and shes comfortable with her size and feels she looks good, it still wont turn her on like it will you. Now, in the case where it is or becomes difficult for her to keep her weight down (you could look to her family for clues about that, although not everyone follows family trends) she might appreciate that you are strange enough to prefer the heavier version of her.but that still doesnt mean that shell want you grabbing her jiggly bits all the time. 

Given the above, I dont generally advise burdening a partner your particular erotic desires. Ultimately I feel that it is up to each of us to manage these ourselves, and not leave our partner feel like they are falling short because they cant or wont fulfill them. But on the other hand, I totally agree that leaving her entirely ignorant also isnt fair. So Id suggest communicating a few key components of what you like, without going into full gory detail or applying a label to yourself.

Id suggest something like take some time and make a short mental list of the top three to five fat related turn-ons for you. For sake of example, say your list came out to be something like: seeing her grow, bigger boobs, watching her over-eat, and feeling more softness (not saying that your list would look anything like that.this is just to illustrate). These are things you want to let her know about, in a way that makes it clear that there are things you enjoy, but trying not to put it on her. You do have to decide if there are some things on the list that you cant really do that withsay the enjoying seeing her grow just seems like it would be too hard to communicate in a way that doesnt pressure her, so you hold that back.

So perhaps sometime when you two are getting naked and your playing with her boobs you mention something about how much you love how big they are, and perhaps she admits that shes obviously noticed this, then you comment something like I cant help it, it is how Im wired! Anyway, the good news for you is that you know if you ever ended up gaining weight I wouldnt mind, because it means even bigger boobs. Another time when you two are having a good meal you can confess something like I dont know why, but part of me always felt that if a woman enjoys food, shes going to enjoy sex too. Maybe its enjoying sensual pleasures or something? Anyway, Im glad you enjoy a good meal! And sometime upon seeing an image of a fashion model just comment Please never end up so thin that your bones jut out like that. I never saw the appeal of a woman being all skin and bones. 

None of those really tell her how much youd get turned on by helping her gain weight, but they do let her know that you dont want her to get thinner, that you wouldnt complain if she got fatter, and you think her enjoying food is kind of erotic. After communicating that much I wouldnt say a lot more, besides affirming and reinforcing on occasion (but not too often). That puts the ball in her court to either take advantage of the implied permission or to ask more questions. If she does neither.then she probably is really not interested. If you do get a more favourable reaction, then you have to play it by ear. The one thing I can say from my experience is not to push, and respect her (probable) need to feel in control of her bodysome people get an erotic thrill from giving up control and gaining with abandon, but they are very rare and most already know that appeals to them. 

Good luck walking this minefield!


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## Durin (Jul 22, 2013)

I don't think a relationship like that could work.


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## AuntHen (Jul 22, 2013)

fingermonkies said:


> I live with and love a girl that I've been dating for two years. *She's moderately proportioned, with a nice body *and fairly big boobs - the dream of most guys lives. As an FA, I would love to see her gain, and this is often the source of my fantasies. I'd love to see her gain, and encourage it, but the thought of either coming forward with my feelings or simply encouraging it makes me feel like a creep. We've discussed getting married, having kids and starting a life together - I am totally cool with this and would be honoured to live my life with this woman. Here's my question:
> 
> *I'm an FA, and have been my whole life*. Do I *reveal this to my girlfriend, since we hold no secrets*, or not? Is this the kind of sacrifice one makes for their partner, and should there be no secrets in a lifelong relationship?
> 
> I am very interested to hear what you all think, so please let me know. I'm assuming there are a few of you out there that have been through this, so please help me out if you can.



First of all, I think you need to reread your sentence. You say you 'hold no secrets' but you also say you have been an FA your whole life. I would say that's a pretty big secret. 

My questions to you are... by the way you described her body, I am guessing she is not fat? And if that is the case and you have been an FA all of your life, are you also attracted to other and/or all body types? If not, how did you come to be in a relationship with someone who is not fat? Is it because of the gaining "fantasy" that you chose someone smaller?

While Orange Mage's approach was maybe a bit aggressive, he makes a good point.


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## amidsttundra (Jul 23, 2013)

I find it bizarre that this didn't come up earlier. I've dated thinner (never thin) women before and I tended to mention my FA proclivities within the first few dates. It's a major thing for me and if they're hypersensitive about their weight I find it a massive turn off. 

Furthermore I identify as a feeder, however I have never dated a feedee with the exception of my ex who weighed 420lbs when we got together, so weight gain was not a practicality that could be explored. In another relationship my partner knew about my fantasies and gained weight through the course of the relationship with little encouragement and knew how much I enjoyed it when she outgrew clothes or gained weight. She however was chubby when we started out together and had suppressed her appetite through her teens she also had thyroid problems which, coupled with the freedom to eat how she had wanted to meant she gained about 70lbs in 5 years. 

For me, I'm happy for that kink to not be a major thing in a relationship, if it happens through happen-stance I'll usually make sure my partner knows how much I like her weight gain and accept it may be lost if she is unhappy with it and just enjoy it for the short-term. 

However, I cannot surpress my need for fatness in a relationship. I've tried to, believe me, I've dated thinner girls and the physical side always died a death. It's _the_ key to my sexuality and sexuality is a major part of any emotional relationship in which I engage. I cannot have the one without the other. It usually takes about 6 months, but then I find myself fantasizing about bigger women and longing to wake up next to a girl much larger than myself. 

That is however me. If you can live without it then I don't see what the issue is. However if your partner does not fulfil you in a way that is intrinsic to you it'll exacerbate any cracks in the relationship further down the line. I'd personally be honest with her, she deserves to be in a relationship in which she is fulfilled as much as you and I personally think it is unfair to engage in a relationship with someone unsuited to you, be it emotionally or physically. What I cannot understand is why and how you can be with someone for two years and not have expressed these thoughts and feelings. Then again, I guess a lot of people bottle things up, whereas I'm generally too open.


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## samster (Jul 23, 2013)

My personal take is that honesty works but be smart about it. Don't suddenly declare "hey honey I'm a feeder" but rather start working in suggestions. You will be able to gauge her reaction. That said, from experience, you can't suppress your feelings and to do so will not end well.


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## liz (di-va) (Jul 24, 2013)

My personal feeling about anybody, in any relationship, is to not make your attraction to the other person conditional upon any imagined future version of them: fatter, thinner, whatever. Life being what it is, most everybody's bodies change eventually in various ways, but don't assume she will become bigger/turn into the kind of woman you are attracted to. It's just not a good way to help yourself make whatever decision is right for you here. And gaining would not be (although it may feel like it) a magic solution to your dilemma. Chances are really good, people's bodies issues being what they are, that she'd be miserable.



> As an FA, I would love to see her gain



These are two different things. Regular old FAs tend to go for fat girls first thing. Loving to see her gain...that'd be FA + feeder.

That is--unless what you really are saying is kind of code for you working out that the FA is strong in you, stronger than is comfortable. I can't say (I'm not you). Either way, set aside the idea of gaining as a way to get what you want out of this situation. Don't think it's helpful.

I don't envy you your dilemma. But good luck! It's good you're reaching out.


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## bigmac (Jul 24, 2013)

The world is full of preexisting fatties. No need to build your own.


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## wrestlingguy (Jul 24, 2013)

I remember one of my very early relationships with a girl who'd gained a significant amount of weight in a short time. I had dated fat girls before, but they didn't gain. This girl put on over 90 lbs in less than a year. I didn't realize it until it started to happen, but I enjoyed it. I dug watching her gain & struggle into old outfits that used to fit, and loved to watch her eat. She hated all of it, and I was conflicted right up until the point that she ended the relationship.

It took some time for me to reconcile & separate the sex from the relationship. I think for me, learning that my personal pervs were secondary to the many benefits I received from being in a loving relationship made my life much easier. Do I still have those fantasies? On occasion, but I've never tried to impose them on my current girlfriend, though after time, we were able to discuss our different fantasies (yes, THEY have them as well). 

Good luck on your journey.


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## Blockierer (Jul 26, 2013)

bigmac said:


> The world is full of preexisting fatties. No need to build your own.


Best post of this thread.


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## Ruby Ripples (Jul 28, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> Well to use your words, what the hell makes you think you can make rapid judgments about people and what does and doesn't work in a relationship? Do you think that feeders or people who like weight gain can't get sexually excited or having fulfilling sex lives unless their partner is in a constant state of weight gain? It isn't a necessity for most feeders to have their partner gaining weight in order to find them attractive. And why should feeders always have to be paired with feedees? First off, what gives you the right to tell other people who they should or shouldn't be in a relationship with? Or that their relationship isn't healthy or wont work because they don't happen to have matching kinks? I mean, it is no different to being with a partner who really has a fetish for biting. You don't need to have the same fetish or include it at all in sex play in order to have a healthy sex and romantic life. And as for why you might get that far into a relationship without mentioning it, oh, I don't know, because you are too busy getting to know the person and falling in love with their personality and everything else about them? Most people don't make a list of sexual kinks and present it to their partners the moment things start to get serious. The guy clearly loves and cares about his partner, just because he is a feeder doesn't mean that he is going to abuse her or fatten her up without her consent. I hate the terrible wrap anybody who likes weight gain gets around these parts. It is prejudice, pure and simple, and it isn't okay.
> 
> Also, haven't we had enough biting the heads off of new people every time they post something and attacking them? No wonder there aren't many new members theses days...



I just wanted to reply to your post, not the rest of the thread. I see you've been here for eight months or so.

There are quite a lot of men around here (Dims) who cannot have a satisfactory sex life with their partner, because they are ONLY turned on by weight gain and fat. I know of SEVERAL ssbbws that are struggling in their relationships/marriages because they had to stop gaining or indeed start losing weight. Their partners/husbands love them, no doubt about that. But they cannot get properly turned on any more because the woman has had to stop gaining. Just letting you know that it IS a big issue with quite a lot of people in this scene, so I believe very differently to how you do. I know of three of these men who have been caught by their women chatting online with other fat women, to get their "fat/gaining" fix.


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## Ruby Ripples (Jul 28, 2013)

fat9276 said:


> First of all, I think you need to reread your sentence. You say you 'hold no secrets' but you also say you have been an FA your whole life. I would say that's a pretty big secret.
> 
> My questions to you are... by the way you described her body, I am guessing she is not fat? And if that is the case and you have been an FA all of your life, are you also attracted to other and/or all body types? If not, how did you come to be in a relationship with someone who is not fat? Is it because of the gaining "fantasy" that you chose someone smaller?
> 
> While Orange Mage's approach was maybe a bit aggressive, he makes a good point.



Totally agree with all of this. Dims and FF have hundreds of married men with blank profiles who have been members for years and years, and who look at the sites daily because they have a "fat woman shaped hole" in their lives.

To the OP, I'm guessing she doesn't know about Dimensions site either and your membership here?


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## loopytheone (Jul 29, 2013)

Ruby Ripples said:


> I just wanted to reply to your post, not the rest of the thread. I see you've been here for eight months or so.
> 
> There are quite a lot of men around here (Dims) who cannot have a satisfactory sex life with their partner, because they are ONLY turned on by weight gain and fat. I know of SEVERAL ssbbws that are struggling in their relationships/marriages because they had to stop gaining or indeed start losing weight. Their partners/husbands love them, no doubt about that. But they cannot get properly turned on any more because the woman has had to stop gaining. Just letting you know that it IS a big issue with quite a lot of people in this scene, so I believe very differently to how you do. I know of three of these men who have been caught by their women chatting online with other fat women, to get their "fat/gaining" fix.



Well I guess everybody has their own experiences and things that they see and such. You are right though, I shouldn't have implied that nobody ever have a problem with their partners not wanting to gain. I just meant that not everybody who is a feeder or who likes weight gain needs their partner to gain in order to be happy or become sexually aroused. To me, those guys sound like people who don't care very much about their partners or least not as much as they should but that is just my opinion.


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## Tad (Jul 29, 2013)

Loopy, the problem with a fetish is that you can't just make it go away when it isn't convenient. A true fetish is something that you have to have to get sexually excited, so if someone has a weightgain fetish, without weightgain..... doesn't matter how much they may love their partner, they aren't going to be getting excited. (at least, that is my understanding of fetishes). So it isn't a matter of how much they love their partner (although refusing to help their partner get off would be a different story, and willingness to try some sort of therapy could also be an issue....nothing is ever black and white entirely of course)


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## loopytheone (Jul 29, 2013)

Tad said:


> Loopy, the problem with a fetish is that you can't just make it go away when it isn't convenient. A true fetish is something that you have to have to get sexually excited, so if someone has a weightgain fetish, without weightgain..... doesn't matter how much they may love their partner, they aren't going to be getting excited. (at least, that is my understanding of fetishes). So it isn't a matter of how much they love their partner (although refusing to help their partner get off would be a different story, and willingness to try some sort of therapy could also be an issue....nothing is ever black and white entirely of course)



Ah, yes, I know that, though I was under the impression that it wasn't a 'true' fetish that the OP had, for want of a better word. I just don't know a word for getting off on an idea without it being a necessity for sexual arousal so I guess that is where I am being confusing. Trust me, I know that you can't turn off a fetish, I have had to explain this to my own partner.


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## bigmac (Jul 29, 2013)

Ruby Ripples said:


> Totally agree with all of this. Dims and FF have hundreds of married men with blank profiles who have been members for years and years, and who look at the sites daily because they have a "fat woman shaped hole" in their lives.
> 
> To the OP, I'm guessing she doesn't know about Dimensions site either and your membership here?




Guys like looking at images of naked women. Now there's news.

You do realize that even those of us with a sexy fat woman in our lives can enjoy looking -- sometimes with our significant other.


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## mediaboy (Jul 30, 2013)

Well finish the story man, was down for your veritable buffet of love or did she get freaked out and report you to the police of normalality?


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## Ruby Ripples (Aug 3, 2013)

bigmac said:


> Guys like looking at images of naked women. Now there's news.
> 
> You do realize that even those of us with a sexy fat woman in our lives can enjoy looking -- sometimes with our significant other.



Yes of course I do "realise" that, and nowhere in my post did I even hint otherwise. That's nothing to do with what I was saying. However, thanks for sharing.


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## Emma (Aug 3, 2013)

bigmac said:


> Guys like looking at images of naked women. Now there's news.
> 
> You do realize that even those of us with a sexy fat woman in our lives can enjoy looking -- sometimes with our significant other.



I don't think "significant other" means what you think it means. It means a person who chooses to spend their life with you. Not a pillow that you have drawn a smiley face on


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## bigmac (Aug 4, 2013)

CurvyEm said:


> I don't think "significant other" means what you think it means. It means a person who chooses to spend their life with you. Not a pillow that you have drawn a smiley face on



In case you didn't know I am married (even have five kids).


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## waldo (Sep 23, 2013)

fingermonkies said:


> I live with and love a girl that I've been dating for two years. She's moderately proportioned, with a nice body and fairly big boobs - the dream of most guys lives. As an FA, I would love to see her gain, and this is often the source of my fantasies. I'd love to see her gain, and encourage it, but the thought of either coming forward with my feelings or simply encouraging it makes me feel like a creep. We've discussed getting married, having kids and starting a life together - I am totally cool with this and would be honoured to live my life with this woman. Here's my question:
> 
> I'm an FA, and have been my whole life. Do I reveal this to my girlfriend, since we hold no secrets, or not? Is this the kind of sacrifice one makes for their partner, and should there be no secrets in a lifelong relationship?
> 
> I am very interested to hear what you all think, so please let me know. I'm assuming there are a few of you out there that have been through this, so please help me out if you can.




Little late to the discussion here but I assume you may still be mulling over this situation and would appreciate further input. And others are certainly lurking out there for which this topic will be of relevance.

The line that sticks out for me is: 

"I'm an FA, and have been my whole life."

According to your profile page, you are 29 years old. And since you have been an FA all this time, is this something that your friends and family are at all aware of? Have you actually had a relationship with any fat women (I mean a real relationship, not just booty call). 

Don't get me wrong, I am not here to bash any 'closet FAs'. BUT if that term describes you Fingermonkies or anyone else reading this, then you need to work on yourself before you can be a proper partner to any woman.

And I really don't buy this about how you would like your woman to gain weight "but it is not a deal breaker" if she does not. Either your desire to be with a fat woman is strong enough that you are indeed an FA, or this is just something that intrigues you regarding being with a fat woman and you should have had the opportunity to 'get it out of your system' by now.

Now you may indeed love the woman that you are with, but if she does not satisfy the essence of your sexuality, then your relationship is a house of cards. As Ruby so aptly put it, you are at risk of having a fat woman sized hole in your life that never subsides (and no, having a fatty mistress on the side will not fill this void but only add more guilt and shame).

As Bigmac said, there's plenty of hot fat women out there, go find you one that will be a good wife and be a good husband to her. It isn't that complicated. The key is to have the balls to go for what you want and tell anyone that doesn't like it to suck rocks


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## leina2009 (Nov 16, 2013)

I just love how everyone says that it won't be able to work because she wasn't a feedee to begine with. I was 120 pounds, fitness nut, and long story short, I got with my boyfriend who's a feeder, and now I'm over 200 pounds and wanting to gain more. Have some faith. You never know how she will take it or what she will decide to do. Tell her, and hope for the best. You never know what could happen.  good luck!


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## GamerGainerGirl (Nov 18, 2013)

Definitely don't give up on her if you love her just because YOU haven't been honest about your desires. While I disagree with others here that sexuality is a deal breaking thing in a relationship ( love and lust are two different things) I will also say I was in her shoes not long ago. I have been in a long term relationship with my FA fiancé, who told me about his desires about 4 or 5 years ago now. At first I was startled, and confused because I had been raised in a very fat hating family. Having always been a chubby girl I hated my fat because of how my family spoke of it and the things they said or did on a daily basis (they seemed under the impression that if they made me hate my body and feel 0 self confidence I would miraculously transform into a skinny person)
I loved him a lot and I was willing to learn more about it and try it out for him.. Now here I am pushing 300lbs and working on gaining more 

If you introduce her to dims it will probably help a lot. I never saw this site for a long time and I would struggle with societies feelings vs his feelings a lot. After I found dims I realized how common this actually is and that I am not alone  I also have come to realize I was fit for this lifestyle all along. I adore food more than basically anything lol. I get depressed if I have to deprive myself. I am overjoyed to stuff myself with delicious foods. I guess I was a... Closet feedee? xD and I would never have even known that was a thigh had he not introduced me to this "world"

So yes, talk to her  If she can't handle the knowledge of your desires then the relationship may not be a good idea to continue anyways. There are plenty of people with (I hate using the term but) "fetishes" that they have but do not act on in long term relationships.


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## Extinctor100 (Nov 19, 2013)

leina2009 said:


> I just love how everyone says that it won't be able to work because she wasn't a feedee to begine with. I was 120 pounds, fitness nut, and long story short, I got with my boyfriend who's a feeder, and now I'm over 200 pounds and wanting to gain more. Have some faith. You never know how she will take it or what she will decide to do.





GamerGainerGirl said:


> After I found dims I realized how common this actually is and that I am not alone  I also have come to realize I was fit for this lifestyle all along. I adore food more than basically anything lol. I get depressed if I have to deprive myself. I am overjoyed to stuff myself with delicious foods. I guess I was a... Closet feedee? xD and I would never have even known that was a thigh had he not introduced me to this "world"
> 
> So yes, talk to her  If she can't handle the knowledge of your desires then the relationship may not be a good idea to continue anyways. There are plenty of people with (I hate using the term but) "fetishes" that they have but do not act on in long term relationships.



I agree with SO MUCH of these two replies more than most of the other comments thus far.

While I concede that it's easier/better in a lot of ways to find someone already fat and date them, rather than getting your currently-non-feedee partner to gain, the fact of the matter is that people don't realize the intricacies of their own sexuality without relationships that allow them to explore and experiment. All our defining sexual traits are "in the closet" at some point as we are young and then express themselves at the right time. You'll never know if she is secretly ashamed of her repressed desire to stuff herself and gain weight unless you open the dialogue about it and give her a chance. My girlfriend never realized that all the times she would sneak into the kitchen to secretly snack, or her tendency to always eat until she was beyond-full, were just a shadow of things to come. It was when she met me and was introduced to a love of fat/gaining that she realized that she got an _immense_ amount of happiness and satisfaction from it and now has realized that is a part of her _own_ sexuality and not just mine. 

As her boyfriend, I feel I'm blessed with two things now... First, I'm with someone who I already enjoy on so many levels of compatibility and commonality, and I will get more of this beautiful woman to enjoy and shower with adoration and love. Secondly and unexpectedly, we both realized that I didn't have insecurity about what would happen if she lost the weight in the future. I'd been attracted to her at 120 lbs, and 200 lbs, and I'll be attracted to her at those weights again if it happens. While I know it differs for others, my perspective is that I like ice cream and of course I want more, but I doubt I'd refuse to eat any if the next bowl had a little less.


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## polfa777 (Nov 19, 2013)

Hi all,

I wouldn't dare to give anybody advice on how to manage their relationships but this thread made me want to share my experience.

I am an FA with a female gaining fetish, married with 2 kids to an average built woman. I've been with her for the last 15 years and I'm happy. Our sex life is satisfying and I am attracted to her at most size. I am not sure how others function: maybe for some the fatness is necessary to be aroused - for me it isn't despite the fact that my identity as an FA is strong and indisputable.

I laid all the cards on the table many times but my wife woudn't want to gain weight. I am perfectly OK with this - I have absolutely no right to demand something like that from another being.

I am definitely one of those married man with blank profiles who browse these forums often that were mentioned in one of the posts above. It is true that I am missing a fat woman im my sex life but I wouldn't go as far as to calling it "a hole in my life". True, it is a desire that is not getting met but not the only one. I can live with that. True, I try to ease the tension that it creates by looking at the beautiful women pictures here. I can live with that too. Don't other married men watch naked ladies online?

This need does actually get quite painful and advances closer to the foreground when our sex life dwindles perodically - like now when my wife is breastfeeding which reduces her libido.

My personal insight about sexual desires is that they can't really get quenched. This is why I find the "fat woman shaped hole" simile very accurate. I am not sure though if this hole can be filled by a fat woman - perhaps the case with the fetish is that the hole can never be filled. The desires are always there and we have to learn to manage them without denying them. Hence I never considered leaving my wife because I love her and our relationship works on so many levels.

This is my piece of mind...


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## Extinctor100 (Nov 19, 2013)

polfa777 said:


> My personal insight about sexual desires is that they can't really get quenched. This is why I find the "fat woman shaped hole" simile very accurate. I am not sure though if this hole can be filled by a fat woman - perhaps the case with the fetish is that the hole can never be filled. The desires are always there and we have to learn to manage them without denying them. Hence I never considered leaving my wife because I love her and our relationship works on so many levels.



This is the unspoken point of clarity, clearly and wonderfully stated: we don't have to have this discussion with the *assumption* that us not getting 105% of what we want, leaves us miserable and unfulfilled. Very well said, sir, because it is true.


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## Azrael (Nov 20, 2013)

Extinctor100 said:


> This is the unspoken point of clarity, clearly and wonderfully stated: we don't have to have this discussion with the *assumption* that us not getting 105% of what we want, leaves us miserable and unfulfilled. Very well said, sir, because it is true.


It's really a personal thing really...

Some people out there can manage with their weight gain fetish in the fantasy side and some people can't.

Some can live perfectly fulfilling relationships without feederism while many others feel empty without their feederism kink fulfilled.

It's a person by person thing.


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## bigmac (Nov 22, 2013)

Extinctor100 said:


> This is the unspoken point of clarity, clearly and wonderfully stated: we don't have to have this discussion with the *assumption* that us not getting 105% of what we want, leaves us miserable and unfulfilled. Very well said, sir, because it is true.



Yes, as the Rolling Stones said so long ago "you can't always get what you want ... but ... you get what you need."


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## Aurora (Nov 22, 2013)

This post is old. I wonder if he ever told her?

I'm also of the mind that there are a *lot* of people (men and women) out there who would be happy to indulge in life if they knew their partner would be into it. When you grow up in a world that's constantly telling you fat is bad, effectively brainwashing you, it can be difficult to open your eyes to other possibilities. The love and support from a partner might be all that's needed to awaken a whole new sense of freedom, confidence, and self love. I think a lot of it has to do with self acceptance, which in a lot of ways is just as taboo as fat.


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## mustbefat (Sep 12, 2014)

I'm now with a girl that weights 231 lbs. 

She's great. I'm at 224 lbs, so we're a fat couple.


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## choudhury (Sep 16, 2014)

This is/was an interesting thread. I guess most people have to negotiate a gap between their purely sexual "ideal" and reality. For example, most non-FA guys seem to fantasize about porn stars/supermodels/actresses and yet end up with women that are some distance from that "ideal." And most women end up with someone other than Daniel Craig or whoever.

An FA (or feeder) being with an average-sized woman could be seen as similar in principle. The difference is that where women who look like porn stars are a rarity, BBWs abound. But lonely FAs still often find themselves falling into relationships with partners who are obviously not their ideal type.

Another thing to consider, and I hope I'm not offending anyone here, but most FAs probably do not consider all BBWs equally sexually attractive. So even if you do end up with a BBW, it may not be your "ideal" BBW. That's life.

I did date a three or four non-BBWs before hooking up with my wife. Most of those relationship failed to last very long, but the reason was generally not a lack of erotic chemistry. One thing is almost certain, though - none of these women would have responded well to my proposing that they gain weight. And I'd think a "feeder" who wants to fatten up a thin girl is going to have a harder time finding their ideal than one who just finds a BBW who loves to eat. 

(Finally: I'm not sure I agree with the use of "feeder" to describe an FA who loves weight gain. Speaking for myself, I sure do love weight gain, but I draw absolutely zero sexual charge from being the_ cause _of it. My wife is 270 lbs and has gained about 100 lbs over 19 years and it's all from her own steady over-eating. I love THAT, as I love each additional pound).


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## ClashCityRocker (Sep 20, 2014)

choudhury said:


> This is/was an interesting thread. I guess most people have to negotiate a gap between their purely sexual "ideal" and reality. For example, most non-FA guys seem to fantasize about porn stars/supermodels/actresses and yet end up with women that are some distance from that "ideal." And most women end up with someone other than Daniel Craig or whoever.
> 
> An FA (or feeder) being with an average-sized woman could be seen as similar in principle. The difference is that where women who look like porn stars are a rarity, BBWs abound. But lonely FAs still often find themselves falling into relationships with partners who are obviously not their ideal type.
> 
> ...



pretty concise answer here. i will say, however, that being transparent about one's preferences, sexual and otherwise, tends to lead to a happier relationship. bringing to one's significant other's attention the FA (or WG, as the case may be) factor adds a level of comfort which is integral in a strong relationship, regardless of whether or not the concerned party is willing to participate physically. one thing i've found is that, even in cases where i'm involved with someone thinner/athletic, mere appreciation of my preference is enough to get the engine going. hearing whomever i'm involved with speak about her own weight gain or overeating is often enough, powered by our mutual feelings for one another. while, yeah, it would be great for her to gain an incredible amount of weight, the fact that she is willing to cater to my own sexual preferences, in however minute a capacity, is more than enough to keep the physical/sensual fire burning.

then again, i have been in a situation where a girlfriend has gained a decent amount of weight while with me (however unintentional). and that was marvelous, but then again, she reached a point where she was no longer comfortable, and that's where reality kind of hits and it then falls on me to curb my own desires and work to support her wishes. it's a give and take in any relationship, and i feel that the most important element is complete and thorough communication.

this was terribly long-winded, and i apologize, but i hope it was at least helpful!


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## natepogue (Sep 27, 2014)

bigmac said:


> In case you didn't know I am married (even have five kids).



way to shut that one down. totally uncalled for BS insult


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## ALS (Sep 28, 2014)

I am an FFA. 

Although I have never dated a BHM or a guy that actively began to gain large amounts, I have dated guys who picked up ten to fifteen pounds while we were together. I felt so guilty because they hated the weight, and I failed to honestly tell them that I liked their pudge. I would comment that I didn't think that they needed to lose weight or to go to the gym, but, they would generally respond with a dismissive, 'You're sweet,' or, they would frown and get back to the gym.

My problem is that I can't 'get off' unless I'm with a skinny guy that gains weight. My fetish is so strong that I literally am not sexually stimulated unless a guy gains weight. I'm very 'turned on' by the idea of a skinny guy growing into the 200-350 pound weight range. However, for some reason, I find myself not attracted to men who are already at that size when we meet. 

I don't know what to do. I feel like a shallow asshole, but, I can't change my sexual preference. :doh: What can I do in this situation? 

*Currently, I am not seeing anyone. However, I am using OkCupid, so, I would like to date a guy + enter into a relationship in the near future (if the opportunity presents itself). However, I don't know how to tell the guy that I'm with that I'm not sexually aroused unless he grows a belly.


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## Amaranthine (Sep 30, 2014)

ALS said:


> I am an FFA.
> 
> Although I have never dated a BHM or a guy that actively began to gain large amounts, I have dated guys who picked up ten to fifteen pounds while we were together. I felt so guilty because they hated the weight, and I failed to honestly tell them that I liked their pudge. I would comment that I didn't think that they needed to lose weight or to go to the gym, but, they would generally respond with a dismissive, 'You're sweet,' or, they would frown and get back to the gym.
> 
> ...



As intimidating as it can seem, just be honest about it. But maybe put a little strategy into play to hedge your bets, if that's feasible. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could just come out and voice what I liked...and it still makes me a little uncomfortable (and I specifically go for men who are already big...so I can't imagine how much more severe it might feel for you.) But look at the alternatives. Get with a guy and hint about it...when it's very unlikely he'll get it, in which case you're ultimately unsatisfied with the relationship and it hurts the entire thing. Get with a guy and just...try to look past your desires and make it work anyway? Neither is really appealing. 

For potential ways to make the situation as advantageous to yourself as possible, to minimize the chance of rejection and whatnot: obviously avoid guys who are pointedly into working out or fitness, try to find a guy that's very into food (so that the chance to let go and indulge would be viewed as a treat?) and, if you're looking to take the relationship seriously, be very upfront about what you're looking for. Because your interests are SO specific, you might have some luck around FantasyFeeder; you might find it beneficial to just talk with someone who shares the other side of your interest (a thin guy who wants to gain) so you can feel confident that people do find that appealing. But considering you're trying out OkCupid...I would recommend that you briefly discuss it under "the most private thing you're willing to admit." That way, if people actually bother to read your profile, they have an idea of it already without you having to muster up the courage to tell them. Makes it a little more impersonal, easier to have a semblance of confidence about it. 

And of course, don't forget that in the end - not to be too much of a generalizing asshole here - it's men and sex. If you blatantly show a guy that he'll be getting a lot more attention if he caters to your fetish, it'll be more appealing. Your showing hesitation gives too much room for someone to think you're just being nice (like you mentioned earlier, of the "You're sweet" variety). A lot of people are very interested in pleasing their partner if they actually care and knowing you're genuinely VERY INTO it may help your cause.

But no matter what you choose to do, I wish you good luck. It's not easy, but you deserve to find someone to enjoy that with


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## ALS (Sep 30, 2014)

Amaranthine said:


> As intimidating as it can seem, just be honest about it. But maybe put a little strategy into play to hedge your bets, if that's feasible. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could just come out and voice what I liked...and it still makes me a little uncomfortable (and I specifically go for men who are already big...so I can't imagine how much more severe it might feel for you.) But look at the alternatives. Get with a guy and hint about it...when it's very unlikely he'll get it, in which case you're ultimately unsatisfied with the relationship and it hurts the entire thing. Get with a guy and just...try to look past your desires and make it work anyway? Neither is really appealing.
> 
> For potential ways to make the situation as advantageous to yourself as possible, to minimize the chance of rejection and whatnot: obviously avoid guys who are pointedly into working out or fitness, try to find a guy that's very into food (so that the chance to let go and indulge would be viewed as a treat?) and, if you're looking to take the relationship seriously, be very upfront about what you're looking for. Because your interests are SO specific, you might have some luck around FantasyFeeder; you might find it beneficial to just talk with someone who shares the other side of your interest (a thin guy who wants to gain) so you can feel confident that people do find that appealing. But considering you're trying out OkCupid...I would recommend that you briefly discuss it under "the most private thing you're willing to admit." That way, if people actually bother to read your profile, they have an idea of it already without you having to muster up the courage to tell them. Makes it a little more impersonal, easier to have a semblance of confidence about it.
> 
> ...



Thank you so much for posting this message.  I feel very encouraged, and I now have a better idea of ways to handle my situation. I have followed your advice by adding my WG preferences to my OkCupid profile. I will also check out Fantasy Feeder.


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## PeanutButterfly (Sep 30, 2014)

ALS said:


> I am an FFA.
> 
> Although I have never dated a BHM or a guy that actively began to gain large amounts, I have dated guys who picked up ten to fifteen pounds while we were together. I felt so guilty because they hated the weight, and I failed to honestly tell them that I liked their pudge. I would comment that I didn't think that they needed to lose weight or to go to the gym, but, they would generally respond with a dismissive, 'You're sweet,' or, they would frown and get back to the gym.
> 
> ...



Hi ALS,

Don't feel bad about your sexuality. It is what it is and the only thing you can do is try and find someone to share it with. I totally understand where you're coming from though as easier said than done. I've recently gotten back into the dating world myself and I know what you mean about trying to explain this to people outside of the FA/FFA community. I've decided that I'm not really interested in seeing a guy who isn't an FA too. I'd so much rather date someone who gets it as it's critical to my sexuality and for me to enjoy sex. I think I'm finally at the point of self acceptance where there's no point in being interested in guys who even if they decide they would date a fat girl, won't be able to satisfy me sexually as an FA. Which sadly, also means a severely limited dating pool. It also restricts your dating to community specific sites like FF, which I'm happy to say has gotten significantly less creepy than it used to (prepare yourself for creepers, but maybe now 10% of the time a seemingly normal guy will pop up). I also like the idea of putting it out there on okcupid. I have a little tag "FAs preferred" on mine and so far a few guys have asked about it but no one's taken the bait. Let me know if you have any luck with putting under the personal section. 

Kudos to all you older folks who did this before the internet. I really don't know how you all found each other. 

Ps. Sorry for hijacking this thread


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## Tad (Sep 30, 2014)

PeanutButterfly said:


> Kudos to all you older folks who did this before the internet. I really don't know how you all found each other.



I think the expectations that you would get to express your particular kink in your sexuality were a lot lower (as was acceptance/approval of said kinks). Not that some people didn't find someone with a complimentary kink, just that....it was not generally acknowledged to be so important, I think. Hierarchy of sexual needs?


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## fingermonkies (Sep 3, 2015)

Thought I could post an overdue update on this. After spending some great years with this girl, the relationship ended for a number of reasons. First off and most importantly, we weren't getting along as well as we used to. Don't need to get into it, but I'm a firm believer that the person you end up with should be that person you can go to no matter what kind of day you've had and just feel good about yourself, and that wasn't always the case with us. 

But I do have to say that this forum and thread really helped me with my dilemma, and it was one that I struggled with daily. On the one hand, yes I do believe that you can love someone enough for who they are and even if things aren't perfect for you physically, that mental connection can be enough to sustain a relationship. However! You've got to be a pretty incredible person to not circle back to that basic physical human instinct and not feel that something is missing. For me, I can't honestly say that I was 100% happy in this relationship because of that missing physical connection. So although we had some great years together and I regret none of it, I will definitely move forward knowing more about myself and knowing that the physical aspect is something that I really do need in a relationship. I've got a thing for the big girls, and I like that! Suppose part of this process also involved me maturing enough to really embrace that. 

Thanks everyone for their comments and help in this, one of the reasons why I love this forum  Hope to meet some of you at a bash in the future.


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## lucca23v2 (Sep 4, 2015)

Fingermonkies....it sounds that you had a good relationship. If it ended for this reasons or others, at least take with you that for the most part, it was good. 
At the very least, so good came out of it. You now have a better understanding of yourself, and your sexual preference. You now know what you can and will ask for and what you may want to let fall by the wayside.

I wish you much luck in finding your true partner.

(In the meantime, enjoy all of the pics on the board.  )


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## Tad (Sep 4, 2015)

Fingermonkies, sorry that things didn't work out in the end, but glad for you both that there was some good times in there. Good luck on whatever comes next, and hey, maybe you'll hang around here some more -- talking through this stuff never hurts one's understanding of what is going on in their head


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