# I like bbws, girlfriend is big, she hates it



## bentleydev (Oct 11, 2010)

So I have a problem. My girlfriend, when I met her, was ~135 pounds. Her doctor put her on Zyprexa, which caused her to balloon up to 215 pounds (She's 5'5) over the course of a couple years. I thought it was sexy as hell (because I find weight gain to be attractive) She hasn't been exercising at _all_ which hasn't helped her problem. (she gets tired going up 3 flights of stairs)

So as much as I like bbws, and how fat isn't always inherently unhealthy (as long as you exercise regularly and don't eat mostly junk) she is hella out of shape and probably harming her body in the long run. She wants to lose weight (she hates her body, wither I like it or not), which is great, (in a sense) but she isn't really working on it. She uses "I'm fat" as an excuse to eat junk and not exercise.

On the other hand, I'm worried if she finally gets herself in gear, she'll lose weight all the way down to her previous 135, at which point I still thought she was beautiful, but not attractive to me in the same way. (if that makes any sense)

I feel selfish for thinking this, and have been left very confused. I want to stay with her, even if that happens, and I want her to start exercising from time to time, but it seems like I'm going to be perpetually stuck with a person who is either unhealthy, or not attractive to me. (in a sexual way) Even if the relationship doesn't work out, it seems like the odds are pretty good that I'd be stuck in a similar dilemma the next time around.

What should I do?


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## MisterGuy (Oct 11, 2010)

Welcome to the wonderful world of FA-dom.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Oct 11, 2010)

Do nothing. A BBW is like an iceberg: she is a miracle of nature, but she does not possess steering gear. She also floats well. The bottom line is: she's gonna do what she's gonna do; you can either come along for the ride or not, but you have to realize that you're not the one in control.


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## AmazingAmy (Oct 11, 2010)

I'm not sure how far *this* will help, but when I read it I found it very enlightening, and thought of it as really articulating what it must be like to be an FA in such a situation (your situation, to be exact). It's from the blog linked in Olwen's profile, and is a correspondence with an FA who seems to have a very clear, deep understanding of FAism. You might find it clarifying, perhaps even reassuring or helpful, to see what others have to say on 'FA guilt' and the like. It talks about the conflict of personal desire and what is healthy for the BBW/BHM, and how gaining/loosing in a relationship impacts on each partner differently.

Hope you find an answer!


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## LJ Rock (Oct 11, 2010)

As MisterGuy states, the conundrum you find yourself in is not uncommon among the FAs here. That doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with though, does it? I actually was contemplating posting a similar topic for discussion, as I am currently dating a BBW who is not as size-positive as I am or as I am accustomed to in other women I've dated. 

I guess you have to ask yourself what your intentions are with this person. Do you really have genuine feelings for her? Do you see yourself really in it for the long haul together? If you think that you really could love her and have a future together, then you need to be able to love her and accept her for who she is, regardless of her size. You also need to ask yourself how important size and weight are to your sexuality. Believe me, I understand as do most of the men here just how _powerful_ an attraction fat admiration can be, but its up to each of us as individuals how much control we allow that attraction to have over us. 

The truth is there isn't much you _can_ do, other than to stay or leave. If you decide that you want to leave her and be with someone who is more fat-positive, that is certainly your prerogative. It would probably better in that case to break things off sooner rather than later, as it just gets harder and harder to walk away from someone the longer you drag it out. But if you really think you want to make a go of it, then you need to do all you can to support her and encourage her to be healthy and to feel good about herself. Even then, there is really only so much you can do; you can't "make" someone feel good about themselves if they don't already. The fact that you say she is on Zyprexa indicates to me that there may be some other issues going on there other than weight making her feel depressed and moody. 

It's a heavy decision, man. But the choice is yours. If you think you're going to stay then just make sure you're sure about it. Be honest and sincere with her about your feelings, and always be sensitive to hers. That's really the best advice I can give you. Good luck!


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## mossystate (Oct 11, 2010)

I don't know that you should be looking at anybody but yourself in this situation. You want her to do XYZ, as long as it doesn't go ' too far '. 

For a person who is not happy gaining weight, and it came about mostly ( ? ), or at least initially because of a medication...that was probably a pretty devastating thing for her...yes? I just looked up the medication, and I get the feeling that any happiness on your part is just not going to be about putting her well-being first. I don't see how she would/should be able to be all you want her to be.

A woman on a medication that caused her to gain a lot of weight, who should be exercising ( but not too often ) and be ' in shape '...should not eat junk food...not lose more than X number of pounds ( but gaining is sexy, no matter why )...all while putting work into the reason she is taking the med in the first place. Phew. That is one tall and crazy order. 

While none of us can know how a person might want to change once we are with them for a while ( not talking about your specific situation ), it is probably at least a good idea to not choose someone who is opposite of what we desire.


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## mossystate (Oct 11, 2010)

LJ Rock said:


> The fact that you say she is on Zyprexa indicates to me that there may be some other issues going on there other than weight making her feel depressed and moody.



I would add that her knowing he likes fat women...and likes her body more now than when they met...no matter why she gained the weight.....well, that might add to her feeling depressed and ' moody '...and might make her a little pissed off. The person with the official and diagnosed issue is not the only one who is showing signs of what you mentioned. It's just easier and convenient to ' see ' what's more obvious. This kind of situation is never just about one person. Never.


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## MisterGuy (Oct 11, 2010)

So, your gf gains a hundred pounds on anti-psychotic meds and hates being fat? My advice is to try to find a non-crazy fat woman who doesn't hate her body (rare, but they do exist).


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## mike0503 (Oct 11, 2010)

Love takes work, either in your current situation support her, or not. Make love work, if not then move on and don't just be there taking up space.


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## lucidbliss (Oct 11, 2010)

i personally think if you love someone ... you'll love them at 100lbs or 600lbs.... if you love them truly ...then they would be sexually attractive no matter what.... and if its something as trivial as her size that has you in this ''confusion'' ... then you need to rethink your relationship..... and not just for you, think about what she deserves...


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## LJ Rock (Oct 11, 2010)

mossystate said:


> I would add that her knowing he likes fat women...and likes her body more now than when they met...no matter why she gained the weight.....well, that might add to her feeling depressed and ' moody '...and might make her a little pissed off. The person with the official and diagnosed issue is not the only one who is showing signs of what you mentioned. It's just easier and convenient to ' see ' what's more obvious. This kind of situation is never just about one person. Never.



You make an interesting point, which further supports your initial statement: _"I don't know that you should be looking at anybody but yourself in this situation."_ I couldn't agree more. 

&#947;&#957;&#8182;&#952;&#953; &#963;&#949;&#945;&#965;&#964;&#972;&#957;.... know thyself. Good advice for us all, perhaps.


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## MisterGuy (Oct 11, 2010)

lucidbliss said:


> i personally think if you love someone ... you'll love them at 100lbs or 600lbs.... if you love them truly ...then they would be sexually attractive no matter what.... and if its something as trivial as her size that has you in this ''confusion'' ... then you need to rethink your relationship..... and not just for you, think about what she deserves...



Boy, I couldn't disagree with this more. If you are intensely attracted to fat women/men, their size is an integral part of what you're attracted to. You may still love them if they get skinny, but you're not going to still be attracted. 

It sucks, but there you go. It does not pay off, in relationships, to be unrealistic about these things.


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## mossystate (Oct 11, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> So, your gf gains a hundred pounds on anti-psychotic meds and hates being fat? My advice is to try to find a non-crazy fat woman who doesn't hate her body (rare, but they do exist).



He would have to work on his own ' crazy ' ( just using your delightful word ) issues to get that. Choosing someone you hope, in the back of your mind, changes to what you actually want...and not caring too much how they get there, as long as reads all sexy to you...that shows a little self-hate peeking around the corners of your life.


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## mossystate (Oct 11, 2010)

LJ Rock said:


> You make an interesting point, which further supports your initial statement: _"I don't know that you should be looking at anybody but yourself in this situation."_ I couldn't agree more.
> 
> &#947;&#957;&#8182;&#952;&#953; &#963;&#949;&#945;&#965;&#964;&#972;&#957;.... know thyself. Good advice for us all, perhaps.



Even knowing half of ourselves. lol


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## LJ Rock (Oct 11, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> Boy, I couldn't disagree with this more. If you are intensely attracted to fat women/men, their size is an integral part of what you're attracted to. You may still love them if they get skinny, but you're not going to still be attracted.
> 
> It sucks, but there you go. It does not pay off, in relationships, to be unrealistic about these things.



The thing is, people change. The person you "fall in love with" at age 24 isn't going to be the same person, physically, mentally or emotionally at age 30, 40 or 75. It's important that there be *some* kind of physical attraction or chemistry at the onset of a relationship, as you need something to build on, something to keep you coming back to get to know this person more (and it truly takes a _looooong_ time to really get to *know* someone!) No, love won't make you _magically attracted_ someone whom you weren't attracted to already, but love is what makes you stick by someone through each of your respective life changes, good and bad, struggles and hardships, joys and pains. It's what keeps you emotionally connected to that person even when the physical aspects of the relationship wane. It's something rare and wonderful, and should be treasured once its found. 

In short: a person's outer beauty is what draws you in only to discover the beauty they possess inside.


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## MisterGuy (Oct 11, 2010)

mossystate said:


> He would have to work on his own ' crazy ' ( just using your delightful word ) issues to get that. Choosing someone you hope, in the back of your mind, changes to what you actually want...and not caring too much how they get there, as long as reads all sexy to you...that shows a little self-hate peeking around the corners of your life.



I absolutely agree. And my point is that if you like fat women, date a fat woman and not a skinny woman who has become fat and hates it. In my experience, women who have been fat their whole lives tend for obvious reasons to have made peace with their size and have a personal comfort level much much higher than women who have only recently put on weight.

"Crazy" was for comic effect, although that clearly didn't come across.


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## disconnectedsmile (Oct 11, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> Welcome to the wonderful world of FA-dom.



really?
because, i'm an FA, and i've never dated a thin girl, in an attempt to avoid such problems. (and also because i'm simply not at all attracted to them, but that's beside the point.)
it's worked fine for me.


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## MisterGuy (Oct 11, 2010)

disconnectedsmile said:


> really?
> because, i'm an FA, and i've never dated a thin girl, in an attempt to avoid such problems. (and also because i'm simply not at all attracted to them, but that's beside the point.)
> it's worked fine for me.


And you've never experienced this kind of dissonance between what you like and find attractive and what your partner likes/finds attractive/wants/etc.? If not, you're extremely lucky.


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## disconnectedsmile (Oct 11, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> And you've never experienced this kind of dissonance between what you like and find attractive and what your partner likes/finds attractive/wants/etc.? If not, you're extremely lucky.


i'm very particular about who i date.


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## AuntHen (Oct 11, 2010)

mossystate said:


> I don't know that you should be looking at anybody but yourself in this situation. You want her to do XYZ, as long as it doesn't go ' too far '.
> 
> For a person who is not happy gaining weight, and it came about mostly ( ? ), or at least initially because of a medication...that was probably a pretty devastating thing for her...yes? I just looked up the medication, and I get the feeling that any happiness on your part is just not going to be about putting her well-being first. I don't see how she would/should be able to be all you want her to be.
> 
> ...



Um, yeah... this! I really didn't hear any love and support going on in the OP's post. Is it just me or ??!! I am not really sure that you are ready for anything long term to be honest OP... relationships are hard work... so get to work or get out IMO


edit: oh yeah and what lucidbliss said too


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## musicman (Oct 11, 2010)

To the OP: Have you considered the other possible outcome? If she really hates being fat, you might be more unhappy if she DOESN'T lose the weight...


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## The Orange Mage (Oct 11, 2010)

I'd say next time find someone who is on the same page with you re:fat but the odds on that front are pretty damn grim. Not sure what to say other than good luck, fellow weight-gain-liking FA.


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## Tad (Oct 12, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> Welcome to the wonderful world of FA-dom.



Heh, yah ^^^^^^

But on a more positive note....There is absolutely no guarantee that her adopting healthier habits will result in all of the weight going away. Almost for sure she'll get a bit thinner--even if she didn't lose any weight she'll turn some of it into muscle which is denser, and odds are she'd lose at least some weight.

Also, being healthy tends to _feel good_, which is apt to make her feel better about her body, whatever its exact form. Eating healthier will avoid sugar spikes, keep her digestive tract running smoothly, get her more of the vitamins and minerals she needs to stay healthy, and so on. Exercising will give her more strength and endurance to do things, and more general energy for taking on life. Combine them, and even at 215 pounds there is no reason she couldn't spend all afternoon hiking or biking or whatever, and have energy left to go out that evening (this is pretty much exactly the case for my wife, btw).

So my suggestions is to not shy away from healthier lifestyle discussions, I think that is actually your best route forward.....just focus on a healthier lifestyle for its own sake and for more energy, etc, not on weight loss. Because in all honesty, you can be sure that living healthier will have benefits that you can feel, but losing weight is a much chancier thing. 

If she isn't willing to do it for her own sake, perhaps you can make changes in your lifestyle, and kind of drag her along with you a little bit? Improve what you eat (and don't have junk around), plan your expeditions out with a little more walking (park farther from your goal, walk the mile to the main bus line instead of waiting for a transfer, etc), suggest going out dancing, and so on. Combine with a few suggestions for her, but don't become a nag. So for example, if she mentions that she is hungry, offer to make her a sandwich before she grabs the bag of chips.

I hope that is of some help, and best of luck, I know it isn't an easy situation to be in.


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## mossystate (Oct 12, 2010)

She hates it.

She hates it.

She is taking an anti-psychotic drug that has wreaked havoc on her body ( for her ), and let's just figure out tips and tricks to get her to a fa approved healthy place, no matter what she might ultimately want. Where is the positive for her...you know...the person actually living in that head and that body. " Helping " her by also hoping that she remains fat...that is sick and twisted.

I am floored.


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## Jes (Oct 12, 2010)

OP, your post has lots of questions and what ifs in it. And the truth is: you can't know. We can't know. No one can know what'll happen as she works toward weightloss and you help (or accept) her to do so. 

So instead of making a math problem out of this, with permutations and combinations (which I understand is a coping mechanism, since this topic causes you anxiety and that's what people do when they feel anxiety, they try to cope), why not just let it ride, and see how it goes? You love her so you should want the best for her, and hopefully what she wants for herself is, indeed, the best for her. She's gotta try, if nothing else, and you've gotta let her, or you don't actually love her. Right? I mean, that makes sense, yes? 

So let it go; don't agonize, don't theorize and certainly don't badger or project your own feelings onto this woman you love. Be supportive, be positive, be loving, and see where it ends up.

And, if she loses weight and is happier and you find that yes, indeed, your dick no longer works around her, then she might well be _just_ as happy to get rid of you at that point as you are to get rid of her, you know? It could be a win-win.


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## mithrandirjn (Oct 12, 2010)

If you really, earnestly care about this girl, your first responsibility it to helping her through her self-esteem issues and helping her to feel better about herself.

Having the selfish thought of "I'd still like her to be fat" doesn't make you a bad person, but you need to have your priorities in order when dealing with another person you profess to care about.

Helping her to be more active (even doing it in indirect ways) would be a very positive thing.


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## bentleydev (Oct 12, 2010)

mossystate said:


> She hates it.
> 
> She hates it.
> 
> ...



Woah there, hold on a second.

I never said I was trying to manipulate her or anything like that. Nor did I say that this is her fault. I realize that these feelings are _mine_ and no one else's (save for maybe some people on this board in their own situations) and I'm working on looking inward.

I'm doing my best not to "influence" her to do something she doesn't want to do (though I'll admit I've expressed my interest) and I'm certainly supporting her in doing what she wants to do. She's not doing it, granted, but I still support what she wants to do because I want her to be comfortable with herself. My problem is the inner feelings that _I_ personally feel, and my own interests, and how they conflict with the other stuff that I want. It's weird.

Also, MisterGuy, I know why she's on medications, (which I'm not going to express) but that doesn't necessarily mean she's "crazy". Hell, I'm stuck on my own medications because I'm bi-polar, but that doesn't mean I can't live an ordinary (expensive) life. We all have issues that we need to take care of and treat in our own ways, including the issue that I've been expressing.


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## MisterGuy (Oct 12, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> Also, MisterGuy, I know why she's on medications, (which I'm not going to express) but that doesn't necessarily mean she's "crazy". Hell, I'm stuck on my own medications because I'm bi-polar, but that doesn't mean I can't live an ordinary (expensive) life. We all have issues that we need to take care of and treat in our own ways, including the issue that I've been expressing.


I apologize, just being flip and not meaning to insult you or your gf.


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## Adrian (Oct 12, 2010)

mithrandirjn said:


> If you really, earnestly care about this girl, your first responsibility it to helping her through her self-esteem issues and helping her to feel better about herself.


I agree with mithrandirjn, help her with her self-esteem and image then, let her know that not every man finds a size two, four or six attractive yet finds a size twenty-two, twenty-four or, twenty-six extremely attractive.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 12, 2010)

I have some experience in this: See that long-ass thread from a little while back.

Try being gentle, but forceful

You absolutely have to tell her how you feel. Don't hide it, don't try to stay closeted for her benefit. Tell her you love her how she is, and your attraction to BBW is an essential part of your sex drive (if it is) - tell her it may well as strong as homosexuality, and repressing it wouldn't help things. 

If she thinks that's disgusting and doesn't want to stay with you... Probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

However, you need to get her excersizing and eating better before her health goes to shit. Take my word for it - this is really fucking important, and if she really wants to be helped and you want what's best for her, do everything you can to try that. 

In the end, might want to try to make a compromise - she loses some weight for her health & self esteem, but not so much that you stop being attracted to her.

If she won't accept it, you might have to improvise something, but feel free to ask me for whatever very limited advice I can give - all this stuff is what I'm trying myself, but I have no idea if it'll work. Hell, maybe I'm in absolutely no position to be giving advice, but that course seems promising,

I've asked for a lot of help here, and I can only try to give back.


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## mossystate (Oct 12, 2010)

Adrian said:


> I agree with mithrandirjn, help her with her self-esteem and image then, let her know that not every man finds a size two, four or six attractive yet finds a size twenty-two, twenty-four or, twenty-six extremely attractive.



So, he chooses a woman who is not really what he is looking for, physically...and SHE is the one with issues when her body changes in ways she simply doesn't like? 
Why isn't she allowed to not like her body after a sizable weight gain? Why must she be ' convinced ' ? I am forever reading where some fa says, " well, mah gal lost 100 pounds, and mah hardwiring is just not happy with that ". Can't this woman know...know...that for her, that weight gain very much messes with who she is...how she is wired, and that it makes her very unhappy, without having people automatically tell her there is something wrong with how she feels? 

Some might not like when folks say that it is not just about the erection (penile or clitoral )...but, if this situation doesn't scream - Hey, Folks, Let's Look At More Than Another Example Of Fat=Good, At Any Cost...then I really don't know what does.

Not wanting a person to hate their body is much different than what is being suggested and understood here.


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## jason_grvin (Oct 12, 2010)

Before she can be happy with you, she needs to be happy with herself. (Says a man lol)

Talk it over. Let her hear your side of it, and let her get her side to you. 

If its meant to be, it'll be.


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## mossystate (Oct 12, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> > Try being gentle, but forceful
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## thatgirl08 (Oct 13, 2010)

Nothing to add except I agree with Mossy 100%. Suggesting that she needs to make a compromise about her body is seriously fucked up.


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## Leonard (Oct 13, 2010)

Dimensions is not always an easy forum to post on as an FA. People pay very close attention to the kind of language used in threads like this, and if every little detail of your situation is not expressed in just the right way, someone is bound to jump down your throat for it. You better make it 100% clear that you care about your partner's feelings and respect the choices she makes concerning her body because if not -- ooh boy -- watch out! 

This thread, the "My-Girlfriend-Is-Fat-And-She-Doesn't-Like-Being-Fat-But-I-Like-That-She's-Fat Thread" pops up all the time. It's usually started by a fairly new or inexperienced poster, like bentleydev. Yes, he's been here since 2005, but with under 100 posts under his belt he's definitely inexperienced. The responses are always the same. Some try to give actual advice and others accuse the OP of being any number of negative things for wanting his fat girlfriend to remain fat. 

I guess what I'd like to contribute to this discussion is that I don't think anyone should vilify this guy for expressing how he feels. And just because he, as an FA, is with a woman who was thin when their relationship began does not mean he has "issues", at least not in the pejorative sense of the word. An FA may date a less-than-fat woman for any number of reasons. Maybe he believes his preference makes him shallow and has decided to select a partner based on less superficial qualities. Maybe the chemistry between he and his partner is so strong that he decides to ignore the lack of physical attraction. Maybe he's almost exclusively dated fat women in the past and wants to know if being with a thin partner is really all that different.

I have dated women for all of the reasons described above. They were terrible reasons, and in most cases the relationships ended terribly. But I needed to make those mistakes to figure out who I should and should not date. That's usually how we figure out how to do things correctly, by first doing them incorrectly. I didn't have "issues", I was just learning what it means to be an FA. Today I would never date a thin woman or a self-loathing fat one, but that's only because there was a time not so long ago when I would. 

Bentleydev, if you like fat girls, and this girl does not like being fat, then she is probably not the girl for you. Leave her to pursue a body she can be happy in and find a girl who is comfortable with her fat self. There are not a lot of girls like that, mind you, but luckily you've come to the right place.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 13, 2010)

Leonard said:


> Dimensions is not always an easy forum to post on as an FA. People pay very close attention to the kind of language used in threads like this, and if every little detail of your situation is not expressed in just the right way, someone is bound to jump down your throat for it. You better make it 100% clear that you care about your partner's feelings and respect the choices she makes concerning her body because if not -- ooh boy -- watch out!
> 
> This thread, the "My-Girlfriend-Is-Fat-And-She-Doesn't-Like-Being-Fat-But-I-Like-That-She's-Fat Thread" pops up all the time. It's usually started by a fairly new or inexperienced poster, like bentleydev. Yes, he's been here since 2005, but with under 100 posts under his belt he's definitely inexperienced. The responses are always the same. Some try to give actual advice and others accuse the OP of being any number of negative things for wanting his fat girlfriend to remain fat.
> 
> ...


 
You know, the OP sounds like a decent guy who really cares about his girlfriend. And I think that everyone gets that he can't help what turns him on. But I believe that much of what you view as snark and misplaced criticism is actually some very helpful advise -- some things that he really SHOULD hear, as opposed to receiving only carefully worded, cautiously neutral feedback that celebrates his orientation and negates that his girlfriend is a living, breathing person with her own hopes and dreams.

From what I'm reading, she doesn't want to be fat. That doesn't mean that she's a self-loathing anti-FA. It just means that she doesn't want to be fat, and there's nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, it does mean that the OP has to struggle with some conflicting emotions -- but this is HIS struggle, NOT hers, and its unfair to make this about her. Again, he's not a bad person for having these feelings - but how he acts on them is a marker of his character, and acting in any way other than supportive of the decisions that she makes about HER body would be terribly unfair. If he finds that he can't support her, then yes (as you've indicated) he should leave her. Ultimately, it would be a kindness to both of them, although it probably wouldn't feel that way for a long time. 

Finally, a fat woman who doesn't like being fat doesn't always translate into self-loathing. It can simply be a fat woman who doesn't like being fat. Can we please stop assuming that this is always about low self-esteem on her part -- or worse, that this is something that a caring FA could ever, ever, hope to "fix"?


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## mossystate (Oct 13, 2010)

Leonard said:


> > Dimensions is not always an easy forum to post on as an FA. People pay very close attention to the kind of language used in threads like this, and if every little detail of your situation is not expressed in just the right way, someone is bound to jump down your throat for it. You better make it 100% clear that you care about your partner's feelings and respect the choices she makes concerning her body because if not -- ooh boy -- watch out!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## bentleydev (Oct 13, 2010)

Guess I need to clarify things.

mossystate:

I'm not sure if you're directing this at me or not, so forgive me if I'm wrong. I'm not trying to convince her that her feelings about her body are "invalid" or anything like that. I realize how she feels, and can respect that. The best I can do is say she's beautiful with sincerity. Again, regarding her medication, that's her business and not mine to share. I can however tell you, that her "issues" aren't related to her medication. I'd like to leave it at that. I understand why a compromise is somewhat of a bad idea...we've discussed it, but while it might be a band-aid, she wouldn't be happy until she's back to how she felt, and both of us know it.

Anyways, to the others:

She has self-esteem problems (obviously) and having been dating her for a year and a half, and knowing her for two, it's pretty obvious that those problems won't be solved anytime soon, if at all. That's pretty much a lost cause, and you can't force self-esteem amongst anyone. And TraciJo67, you're right, it's not always 100% about self-esteem.

I do feel like attractiveness, by itself, isn't a good reason to leave a relationship with someone you love. I know that the whole "looks don't matter" is cliche, and in some cases is incorrect, but given how long we've been together, it seems like doing it would be a terrible idea.

Also, I looked around for a thread like this, I _know_ I've seen similar threads in the past (but never clicked on them) but I didn't see any. Probably didn't look hard enough, but maybe there should be a megathread about it? It seems like it'd be a common enough problem to warrant one.

One last thing: I didn't start dating her because of her weight, I had a crush on her waaay before any of that happened. (even though I wasn't attracted to her in the same way, at least not in a strict sexual sense) I started seeing her because over the course of that first six months we knew each other we fell in love. (no really) But that's another story.


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## TraciJo67 (Oct 13, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> I do feel like attractiveness, by itself, isn't a good reason to leave a relationship with someone you love. I know that the whole "looks don't matter" is cliche, and in some cases is incorrect, but given how long we've been together, it seems like doing it would be a terrible idea.


 
bentleydev, how would you feel if your girlfriend told you that she's not particularly attracted to you, but she doesn't want to leave you because she's grown accustomed to the other aspects of your relationship? 

I'm not actually suggesting that you leave her. I know that it's a lot more complicated than that. And to be honest, at this point, if my husband told me that he's no longer attracted to me, I'm not sure what I'd do, but leaving probably wouldn't be the first consideration. Then again, we've been married for 15 years, and we have a child together. I will say that if he'd told me this before marriage, *I* would have left, no matter what he wanted. Because I would have felt cheated and short-changed if I stayed with a man who didn't want (or had difficulty with) a sexual relationship. I deserve more. I've been thinking about how that would go, when I was much younger and more vulnerable to what other people thought of me, had he told me such a painful thing. It would have shattered me. But I would have survived it, learned from it, and moved on. It would have been a much better scenario than ... say ... 15 years later, add a mortgage, a baby, and many years of attachment/emotional vestment. 

I don't believe that anyone should ever use comfort and familiarity as a reason for staying in a relationship, because that makes for a terrific friendship, not marriage/partnership (disclaimer: except when both understand that this IS what the relationship is, and both are OK with it). It just strikes me as a very selfish reason for staying with someone, as it stifles [the general] you and it keeps her from potentially meeting someone who would find her beautiful just as she is.


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## CastingPearls (Oct 13, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> I don't believe that anyone should ever use comfort and familiarity as a reason for staying in a relationship, because that makes for a terrific friendship, not marriage/partnership (disclaimer: except when both understand that this IS what the relationship is, and both are OK with it). It just strikes me as a very selfish reason for staying with someone, as it stifles [the general] you and it keeps her from potentially meeting someone who would find her beautiful just as she is.



I have to agree and this is speaking from personal experience.


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## frankman (Oct 13, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> So I have a problem. My girlfriend, when I met her, was ~135 pounds. Her doctor put her on Zyprexa, which caused her to balloon up to 215 pounds (She's 5'5) over the course of a couple years. I thought it was sexy as hell (because I find weight gain to be attractive) She hasn't been exercising at _all_ which hasn't helped her problem. (she gets tired going up 3 flights of stairs)
> 
> So as much as I like bbws, and how fat isn't always inherently unhealthy (as long as you exercise regularly and don't eat mostly junk) she is hella out of shape and probably harming her body in the long run. She wants to lose weight (she hates her body, wither I like it or not), which is great, (in a sense) but she isn't really working on it. She uses "I'm fat" as an excuse to eat junk and not exercise.
> 
> ...



I don't understand your problem. It's one that pops up a lot on this board, but I just don't get it.

If she doesn't like herself the way she is, she's unhappy. You shouldn't want her to be unhappy, so you should let her decide for herself what's right.

If she exercises and loses the weight, you should see if you still want to be her boyfriend (that means loving her, finding her attractive and all that). If not, break it off, you'll both be happier in the long run.

If you haven't told her you like bigger women, you could always tell her, see how she reacts and let her decide if she digs that or not. But in the end, it's her decision on how she want's to live, and your decision on whether you want to be with her. Don't make excuses or over-analyze this stuff. It'll bite you in the ass and will leave one or both of you not as happy as you could be.

Don't be a dick about either option, let her know it's her decision and hers alone, just as long as you understand that wanting to be with her for the whole nine yards is yours.

If you have legitimate health concerns for her, you can always try to tell her, but she's not here to cater to your ideal girlfriend needs, she's a person.

So you see, I don't really get the drama.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 13, 2010)

I've been trying to be diplomatic up to this point, but here goes:

It would probably help her self esteem to know that SOMEONE loves her body even when she hates herself. If she thinks you're disgusting... Why are you still together?

And you know what? If it's impossible for the OP to love her in the same way he currently does if she goes back to the way she was, SHE FUCKING DESERVES TO KNOW THAT SO SHE CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL. Or at least adjust her views accordingly.

Also, fat is one thing, but there is nothing good about eating too much junk food and refusing exercise because you hate yourself. That really needs to stop.

And finally:

If she insists on getting back to the way she was, let her. However, if she ever decides - ON HER OWN - that she likes anything about the OP's FAism and wants him to be happy with her, a compromise might be no bad thing.

Anything wrong with what I just said?


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## MisterGuy (Oct 13, 2010)

Too many caps, for one thing.


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## mossystate (Oct 13, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> > The best I can do is say she's beautiful with sincerity.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## mossystate (Oct 13, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> > It would probably help her self esteem to know that SOMEONE loves her body even when she hates herself. If she thinks you're disgusting... Why are you still together?
> 
> 
> Even when that somebody is a man who she now knows prefers something she wasn't, you know, when they got together in the first place? Thinking about how you were not even close to being ideal to the person...physically/sexually... having made love to them and had your body explored by them...and this is the person who is supposed to make her feel better? Are you kidding me? A general wanting to boost someone is one thing...this is quite another.
> ...


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## liz (di-va) (Oct 13, 2010)

I think that we none of us, this dude's gf included, have as much control as we think over our own--or other people's--bodies. These abstracted She's-Gonna-Be-Thinner/She's-Gonna-Be-Fatter conversations...they're completely off the point. Who knows what'll happen. Tad's right: none of us have any idea what would happen to her body size if she adopted healthier habits. Not to mention trying to lose weight often triggers a lifetime of getting fatter. Weight loss will probably not magically make this woman happy/healthy. It doesn't usually. 

So I would base your decision-making around the fact that our biggest job, fat or thin, is working to be happy and healthy right now. Present-tense stuff. Esp. because you appear to be young. Who knows what'll happen. Also: liking weight gain is not the same thing as liking fat chicks, so I'd be straight with yourself about what you can expect from that in relationships.


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## mossystate (Oct 13, 2010)

It sure seems that this big weight gain has made her less happy. I doubt most believe weight loss, in and of itself, will make a person happy and healthy. I do hope, for this woman's sake, that she finds out what will happen for herself, away from the OP. There are way too many shadows, and too much of it is centered around her weight and her body. I hope she can get healthier on her own. Same goes for the OP.


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## thatgirl08 (Oct 13, 2010)

I think it'd be pretty fair to say that returning to her original weight would make her feel happier since most (all?) of her unhappiness about her body is currently stemming from her 80+ pound weight gain, according to the OP. Losing weight doesn't always = happiness but I think that's a pretty fair thing to say in this particular case. & no amount of her boyfriend saying he likes her the way she is is going to change the fact that she prefers herself the other way.


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## Leonard (Oct 14, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> You know, the OP sounds like a decent guy who really cares about his girlfriend. And I think that everyone gets that he can't help what turns him on. But I believe that much of what you view as snark and misplaced criticism is actually some very helpful advise -- some things that he really SHOULD hear, as opposed to receiving only carefully worded, cautiously neutral feedback that celebrates his orientation and negates that his girlfriend is a living, breathing person with her own hopes and dreams.



I agree that there's good advice tucked away in some of the less diplomatic posts, TraciJo67. I guess my concern is that if a post is hostile in tone, then the OP is less likely to see that good advice because it is presented as an attack. If the goal is to help the OP, shouldn't the advice be presented in the most palatable form possible? Just because I view a post as snarky or unnecessarily critical does not mean I also view it as devoid of helpful advice, I just question the effectiveness of a hostile tone and the intentions of the poster who chooses to use said tone.

This goes both ways, naturally. Just because I view a post as carefully worded and cautiously neutral does not mean the post automatically negates his girlfriend as living, breathing person. You make it sound like it's either one or the other. Do you think it's impossible to present advice in a tactful, non-confrontational way without negating his girlfriend as living, breathing person? I can't imagine you do. Your earlier post in response to bentleydev succeeded in doing just that. You weren't snarky or unnecessarily critical, you provided excellent advice, and you humanized his girlfriend by explaining how you would feel in her position. 



TraciJo67 said:


> From what I'm reading, she doesn't want to be fat. That doesn't mean that she's a self-loathing anti-FA. It just means that she doesn't want to be fat, and there's nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, it does mean that the OP has to struggle with some conflicting emotions -- but this is HIS struggle, NOT hers, and its unfair to make this about her. Again, he's not a bad person for having these feelings - but how he acts on them is a marker of his character, and acting in any way other than supportive of the decisions that she makes about HER body would be terribly unfair. If he finds that he can't support her, then yes (as you've indicated) he should leave her. Ultimately, it would be a kindness to both of them, although it probably wouldn't feel that way for a long time.



I agree with pretty much everything here, TraciJo67. So much in fact, that it isn't really clear to me whether this excerpt is entirely in response to me, or in part a response to the thread as a whole. I certainly didn't intend to give the impression that I felt the OP's lady was "anti-FA". I also didn't mean to imply that this was anything but "his struggle", and my post was not a conscious attempt to in any way make his struggle her's. 



TraciJo67 said:


> Finally, a fat woman who doesn't like being fat doesn't always translate into self-loathing. It can simply be a fat woman who doesn't like being fat. Can we please stop assuming that this is always about low self-esteem on her part -- or worse, that this is something that a caring FA could ever, ever, hope to "fix"?



I do apologize. I didn't mean to make it sound like I thought all fat women who don't like being fat are inherently self-loathing. I can see why you might think that, though. I lumped the women I wouldn't date into two types, "thin" and "self-loathing fat". To clarify, I've only ever dated one woman who I would truly describe as truly self-loathing. You make an important distinction. How one feels about one's body is only one of many characteristics that define a person. You can certainly be fat-loathing and still love other things about yourself. 

And now, onto Mossystate. 



mossystate said:


> It's not the " kind of language used " that is the issue. There are actual, meaty, details about what is going on. And, the weight gain due to medication - not exactly a " choice she makes concerning her body ". There is real pain there, and weight gain is probably not the only pain she is experiencing.



I agree there are "meaty details", but you can't tell me language isn't important. There are certain things you shouldn't say when starting a thread like this, words and phrases that carry a stigma at Dimensions that posters wouldn't bat an eye at on another forum. Sometimes the avoidance or inclusion of certain words or phrases can mean the difference between productive discussion and a flaming shitstorm.

Also, to be clear, I agree with you that her weight gain due to medication is not a "choice she makes concerning her body". Deciding to try to lose weight is though, and that is what I was referring to.



mossystate said:


> He is experienced in his relationship with the woman...not just the fat part of her but the whole woman. His bells and whistles are going off with this weight gain, but maybe he should be backing away from the advice ( which he is asking for ) of anybody ( including me ) on teh internets and seeing the woman in front of him, that whole woman.



Can't say I disagree. He's the only one (aside from his girlfriend) who is truly privy to all the ins and outs of the relationship. We can do our darnedest to help him, but in the end he's the person best equipped to do so.



mossystate said:


> He asked, " what should I do ". How can some just not read what he actually said and simply say, " good luck " ? There is nothing ' wrong ' with expressing how he feels, but he is not in a confessional with one person listening.



He's asking for help. The posters I'm taking issue with seem more concerned with being hostile than genuinely helpful. As I said above to TraciJo67, it's a matter of tone. As I also said above, I think it's possible to be helpful and hostile simultaneously, but that the hostility muddles the helpful advice. To remove any doubt, I will add I feel you have been unnecessarily hostile at points in this thread. I know that's obvious, that I feel that way, but I kinda felt I was dancing around it.



mossystate said:


> If he didn't, from the beginning, tell this woman that he was not very physically/sexually attracted to her, then, yes, he has issues. If he has needed ( actually needed in order to feel what he needs to feel ) to find ' fixes ' elsewhere, in whatever way, then, yes, he has issues. That doesn't make him a monster...it makes him really human...with issues. He might even be one of those self-loathers.



This excerpt clarifies for me what "issues" means to you, and I totally agree. I have one question. Do you think bentleydev, because of his issues, should not be dating or in a relationship? With his girlfriend or anyone else? 



mossystate said:


> This scenario will continue being played out. Maybe the stock reply should be..." leave her/him ". But, when someone asks for actual advice, and gives actual information...that's where things get tricky and all that. Yup.



You refer to "leave him/her" as the stock reply, but isn't this the same reply you're giving him, in so many words? You've had a lot to say to bentleydev, but the main thrust of it all seems to be that you don't think he should be in this relationship. Is that correct?


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## joswitch (Oct 14, 2010)

mithrandirjn said:


> If you really, earnestly care about this girl, your first *responsibility *it to helping her through her self-esteem issues and helping her to feel better about herself.



She's his girlfriend.
Not his child.
Not his patient.
Not his project.
Her issues are not his responsibility.
And he can't make someone else feel happy about themsleves.

BentleyDev: Your issues are your own, and as Leonard said, you're probably not gonna get any help for them here. The Main Board in particular is not somewhere FAs will find support.

Best of luck to both you and your gf on finding some happiness.


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## joswitch (Oct 14, 2010)

frankman said:


> I don't understand your problem. It's one that pops up a lot on this board, but I just don't get it.
> 
> If she doesn't like herself the way she is, she's unhappy. You shouldn't want her to be unhappy, so you should let her decide for herself what's right.
> 
> ...



Frankman wins the thread.
Great post.


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## liz (di-va) (Oct 14, 2010)

Of course it's rough to gain that much weight so fast--I was just saying that I wouldn't assume she can actually lose the weight, even if she goes off the meds. Weight loss can be tricky that way.


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## mossystate (Oct 14, 2010)

Leonard said:


> > I agree there are "meaty details", but you can't tell me language isn't important. There are certain things you shouldn't say when starting a thread like this, words and phrases that carry a stigma at Dimensions that posters wouldn't bat an eye at on another forum. Sometimes the avoidance or inclusion of certain words or phrases can mean the difference between productive discussion and a flaming shitstorm.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## mossystate (Oct 14, 2010)

I know my point has never been my assuming she will lose any weight, and I am well aware how tricky weightloss/gain is. I think it is simply heartbreaking and sick that anybody would hope a person is not successful in something they want so much...whatever that is...or wanting them to be slightly successful, but not too much...just so they can get what they want. That has nothing to do with the XYZ of the actual change, or potential change. She might not lose a pound. Some would applaud that.


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## bentleydev (Oct 14, 2010)

> And you know what? If it's impossible for the OP to love her in the same way he currently does if she goes back to the way she was, SHE FUCKING DESERVES TO KNOW THAT SO SHE CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL. Or at least adjust her views accordingly.



She knows, the whole issue has been up in the air for a while now, but she's certainly accepted my preferences, and doesn't hold it against me.



> You are trying to get her to change what she finds attractive in/for herself. You are asking her to ' leave ' herself, in a way. So, she gets to know you were never all that sexually attracted to her...and...now you are hoping she doesn't lose much of the weight she doesn't want on her body. There is nothing noble about staying and loving someone is not about trying to change them.



I haven't asked her to change herself for me. That would be a terrible thing to do. I can express what my interests are, without forcing pressure upon her.



> If that girl insists on thinking she is a human being deserving of wanting what she wants...go ahead and let her...give her permission.



Pretty much. Just like how a fair amount of people find themselves happy with their body in one way, I'm not going to deny that she finds herself happy with her body in another way. Not that she needs permission from anyone to do so.



> Your issues are your own, and as Leonard said, you're probably not gonna get any help for them here. The Main Board in particular is not somewhere FAs will find support.
> 
> Best of luck to both you and your gf on finding some happiness.



I guess I came with the impression that I could find some useful advice, given I'm sure they've heard the same story before. I realize that I'm asking a bunch of strangers, but if I had to ask a group of strangers, these would be the ones. I feel like I've gotten a bit of hostility for making this thread, but that's to be expected. There's a lot of "selfishness" (in a way) involved in the whole situation. I'm not surprised.



> Don't be a dick about either option, let her know it's her decision and hers alone, just as long as you understand that wanting to be with her for the whole nine yards is yours.



Fair enough. I told her I'd do my best to support her, whatever she choses to do. It'll be difficult (due to my own personal incentive) but it doesn't mean I'd throw her under the bus.



> He wants people to make it OK for how he feels and what he wants.



Woah woah woah...where did that come from? I want to feel ok about how I feel, and accept my wants, even if it's not practical (or a bad idea), but that's not what I'm asking for. I'm asking for advice.



> I think it is simply heartbreaking and sick that anybody would hope a person is not successful in something they want so much...whatever that is...or wanting them to be slightly successful, but not too much...just so they can get what they want.



Again, woah there. I've tried to the best of my ability to make it clear that what I "want" is more complex than that. There's what I want for her to feel well about herself, what I want in the sense of her being healthy, what I want at a purely sexual level, and what I want in the way of everything turning out in a reasonable manner. (plus probably a couple other things I can't think of off the top of my head)

It's not that I'm not happy because of what she wants to do. I'm unhappy because she's unhappy, and the circumstances behind it, for better or for worse.


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## joswitch (Oct 14, 2010)

If you want advice with less hostility, you might try the FA board...

No guarantees you won't get pilloried in there too, mind...
Tho' rules there are meant to stop that...


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## mossystate (Oct 14, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> > I haven't asked her to change herself for me. That would be a terrible thing to do. I can express what my interests are, without forcing pressure upon her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## bentleydev (Oct 14, 2010)

Sigh.

You do have some well thought out arguments mossystate. (as much as I didn't like some of your assumptions) Still, assume that what you said was more or less correct. Here's my next question:

Assume that I do end the relationship (hopefully on good terms) and end up single again. Won't there be a very high chance of any woman I end up with having a similar problem? Finding someone who is comfortable with their body as it is isn't an easy task. I mentioned this at the beginning, but it sounds like the exact same problems would surface the moment girl-of-the-future realizes/gets told about my preferences.

How would I avoid the self-perpetuating cycle with any girl I fall in love with?


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## musicman (Oct 14, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> Assume that I do end the relationship (hopefully on good terms) and end up single again. Won't there be a very high chance of any woman I end up with having a similar problem? Finding someone who is comfortable with their body as it is isn't an easy task. I mentioned this at the beginning, but it sounds like the exact same problems would surface the moment girl-of-the-future realizes/gets told about my preferences.
> 
> How would I avoid the self-perpetuating cycle with any girl I fall in love with?




Don't be so pessimistic. There are plenty of FAs in successful LTRs or marriages with happy fat women of all sizes, from plump to supersized. Many of them have posted (or used to post) on Dimensions. You've been here since 2005. Haven't you seen their posts? I'm one of those FAs, and I'm the most introverted person you would ever meet. If I can find the right woman, so can you.

Just put yourself out there. Go to BBW events and dances. Maybe try personal ads, or chat with people here. Use your imagination. There are many ways to find confident women. Now that you understand what you don't want, you'll eventually find what you do want. And don't settle for anything less! Don't give up, and don't judge the real world by what you read on this website! Good luck to you.


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## mossystate (Oct 15, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> Sigh.
> 
> You do have some well thought out arguments mossystate. (as much as I didn't like some of your assumptions) Still, assume that what you said was more or less correct. Here's my next question:
> 
> ...



There are no guarantees. When you think about it, a majority of human beings are not comfortable with everything. When you get into the realm of bodies, it is even more of a rollercoaster ( hell, look at how many fa's know they never wish to be fat, and they do whatever they can to make sure they don't gain...some of them would be very unhappy to live in a body that is keeping them from ...whatever ). 
You might be asking more of fat women than you would of others. There are people more comfortable in their skin than others, but there are real bumps in the road that a fat woman will experience. If you have a stunted and exact idea in your head of how the person will look like and act...and no wandering from that path is ' allowed '...then you will forever be disappointed. You can meet a fat woman who is comfortable in her body, absolutely, and that still doesn't mean she _might _not want to try and change her body at some point. It might be age that starts nudging her...it might be illness...it might be any number of things. So, of course you can find a comfortable in her skin fat woman...but you will need to be very comfortable in yourself, and you need to know that there are no guarantees. Again, no asking more of fat women than you ask and give of yourself. Oh, and never change...no matter what!


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## frankman (Oct 15, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> Sigh.
> 
> You do have some well thought out arguments mossystate. (as much as I didn't like some of your assumptions) Still, assume that what you said was more or less correct. Here's my next question:
> 
> ...



Well,there's always a chance that something similar will happen again, in which case you rinse and repeat the advice all the people in this thread gave you. But cheer up: it might also not happen. Ways to avoid it from happening:

The first and most ideal one is finding a girl you really fucking love no matter what. It's been done before, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to find yourself that girl that drives you completely nuts in a good way.

But in the meantime:

Be open about your preference but make it clear that there is absolutely no obligation to fulfill.

Make your girl happy. Happy as in whatever. This is actually always good advice. Accept the fact that most women have something or the other bodywise they're unhappy about. This is normal, so do most guys. If you can make her actually feel beautiful, or even momentarily make her forget the thing she dislikes, you're halfway there.

Be honest to yourself: if a girl's size doesn't float your boat, don't waste your AND her time by seeing if you can make it work.

But most of all: relationships are really hard work. As in really fucking hard. If you want to know how hard, just listen to that Tammy Wynette song and substitute the word man for woman. That's how hard you will have to work. The trick is finding someone who's worth it.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't have time to write everything out, but I can clarify one thing:

She wants to lose weight, and her current lifestyle is both bad for her health and running in direct opposition to that goal. 

So why not gently encourage her to get out and walk a little, or introduce her to some foods that are better for her?

You don't have to act like a stern dad, and you don't have to be aggressive or controlling. You could just show up one day and say "Hey, it's a nice day out. Why don't we go for a walk?" or "Let's try cooking something" (if either of you are into cooking) and intoduce her to something she'll like that has some actual nutrition.

Also, it seems everyone agrees that she has the right to do whatever she wants with herself. I don't think anyone needs to argue about whether some of us agree enough, or in the right way.


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## joswitch (Oct 16, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> Sigh.
> 
> You do have some well thought out arguments mossystate. (as much as I didn't like some of your assumptions) Still, assume that what you said was more or less correct. Here's my next question:
> 
> ...



Be entirely open about your FA ness.
That includes with friends, family etc.
Don't hit on girls who are not already your physical type.
If thin girls hit on you, decline.
(Unless you know they are self-identified feedee / gainers.)

If it comes up in conversation or someone asks, say "I only date / I prefer cute fat chicks".
Never try to explain why beyond - "They're HOT! / That's just what I like." unless you think your questioner is genuinely interested (rather than hostile).
If anyone asks you if dieting / weightloss is a turn-off to you, be honest and say "Yes".
Again, you don't have to explain why.

You'll want to mention / have this conversation pretty early on in dating someone (probably not first date, but probably 2nd or 3rd).
You'll get accused of all sorts of bullshit, for being honest and open. Brush it off.
You're misleading NO-ONE, so now any woman who wants to get involved with you is making a free and informed choice.

Once this is common knowledge in your circle, you should find that thin girls will naturally deselect themselves from dating you (unless they are closet feedees... Never get serious unless she has come out of the closet - to you).
Equally, big girls who want to lose, probably won't date you.

You'll get waaaay less dates, and you'll find that some girls will dump you as soon as they find out your preference (or indeed that you have a / any preference)... 
But hopefully those you do date, after having "the talk" will at least be compatible with you on this point.

Good luck.


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## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

If I were you I'd love the hell out of her while she's still on the medicine that makes her gain weight. Surprise her with food and chocolate


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## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> If I were you I'd love the hell out of her while she's still on the medicine that makes her gain weight. Surprise her with food and chocolate



You're a real piece of........work.


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> If I were you I'd love the hell out of her while she's still on the medicine that makes her gain weight. Surprise her with food and chocolate



No.

I know you're not serious, but "no" anyway.


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## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not a troll. I would go even more extreme with the feederism so my girl would feel the love and maybe start feeling comfortable at her weight (or more weight)


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## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

I tried that - two years ago, before all of that shit in my thread happened. 

It worked for a little while, and we were really happy for about a year (she still says that even now), but if it's not the right person, it's not the right person.

Don't learn that the hard way.


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## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> I tried that - two years ago, before all of that shit in my thread happened.
> 
> It worked for a little while, and we were really happy for about a year (she still says that even now), but if it's not the right person, it's not the right person.
> 
> Don't learn that the hard way.



If I was with a girl who was unhappy with her weight while I was happy with it, SHE'D be the wrong person. I can understand if you're so in love that you want to make it work though.

And I wont learn the hard way, because my attraction is limited to these things so any girl I'm with is going to accept it or move along.


And also, why is some chick allowed to message me calling me "a dick and abusive towards women" but I call dromond a "tard" for jumping on someones case and I get an infraction for "Personal Attack" (lol!)
. That's dumb.


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## Dromond (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I'm not a troll. I would go even more extreme with the feederism so my girl would feel the love and maybe start feeling comfortable at her weight (or more weight)



I don't think you are a troll at all. I believe you are very serious, which makes you a frightening person. What happened to her choice in the matter?


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## Dromond (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> And also, why is some chick allowed to message me calling me "a dick and abusive towards women" but I call dromond a "tard" for jumping on someones case and I get an infraction for "Personal Attack" (lol!)
> . That's dumb.



I didn't report you, so the moderator must have taken it upon herself to infract you for it.


----------



## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> If I was with a girl who was unhappy with her weight while I was happy with it, SHE'D be the wrong person. I can understand if you're so in love that you want to make it work though.



1. That's exactly what I said.

2. I am, and I do, but I can't. But this thread isn't about me, anyway.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

Dromond said:


> I don't think you are a troll at all. I believe you are very serious, which makes you a frightening person. What happened to her choice in the matter?


I'm frightening? Please stop being dramatic about me. Any girl who gets involved with me knows I like her to eat. It's not like I'm going for immobility.



Dromond said:


> I didn't report you, so the moderator must have taken it upon herself to infract you for it.



I didn't assume you reported me, I'm just noticing that "tard" is a personal attack and calling someone a dick and abusive to women is not. :doh:


----------



## mossystate (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I'm frightening? Please stop being dramatic about me. Any girl who gets involved with me knows I like her to eat. It's not like I'm going for immobility.



lol

OK...I'll play along.

I sho hope you are gonna tell that girl...up front...exaaaaaactly how much weight you demand she gain ( I am going to assume that you are not just into girls eating for the chewing )......not an ounce more...not an ounce less. In fact, if you go back on that established weight...she should get to punish you in some way. That's where she will need my phone number. :bounce:


----------



## Dromond (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I'm frightening? Please stop being dramatic about me. Any girl who gets involved with me knows I like her to eat. It's not like I'm going for immobility.



If you've got a willing partner, go nuts. Enjoy. If you decide your partner will like it and has no say in the matter, then that is scary.


----------



## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 17, 2010)

mossystate said:


> lol
> 
> OK...I'll play along.
> 
> I sho hope you are gonna tell that girl...up front...exaaaaaactly how much weight you demand she gain ( I am going to assume that you are not just into girls eating for the chewing )......not an ounce more...not an ounce less. In fact, if you go back on that established weight...she should get to punish you in some way. That's where she will need my phone number. :bounce:



You'll take some video for us, won't you?


----------



## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

mossystate said:


> lol
> 
> OK...I'll play along.
> 
> I sho hope you are gonna tell that girl...up front...exaaaaaactly how much weight you demand she gain ( I am going to assume that you are not just into girls eating for the chewing )......not an ounce more...not an ounce less. In fact, if you go back on that established weight...she should get to punish you in some way. That's where she will need my phone number. :bounce:



I dont demand a girl gain weight. They know it turns me on and choose to on their own. If she asks me how much weight I'm into, I tell her something along the lines of "Well, another 10 or 15lbs is sexy" and they ask "What's in it for me?" and I tell them I'll reward them however they want, or give them a present. The present is a romantic night out and jewelery, or something small like a stuffed animal. If she doesnt gain weight i'm not going to beat her up, but I'm sure as hell going to be giving her random presents of chocolate and her favorite food :bow:


----------



## mossystate (Oct 17, 2010)

MizzSnakeBite said:


> You'll take some video for us, won't you?



I will have a videographer...mime...balloon artist...a therapist who will tell the audience what work the boy will need, after......and Betty White will be the audience......cuz who in their right mind doesn't love them some Betty White.

:bow:


----------



## mossystate (Oct 17, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I dont demand a girl gain weight. They know it turns me on and choose to on their own. If she asks me how much weight I'm into, I tell her something along the lines of "Well, another 10 or 15lbs is sexy" and they ask "What's in it for me?" and I tell them I'll reward them however they want, or give them a present. The present is a romantic night out and jewelery, or something small like a stuffed animal. If she doesnt gain weight i'm not going to beat her up, but I'm sure as hell going to be giving her random presents of chocolate and her favorite food :bow:




LOL

A 19 year old boy shouldn't express his fantasies at every turn. Pace yourself, son.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 17, 2010)

If you think I need a therapist for what I've posted, you are sadly on the wrong forum. There are many more than me who are into showering a woman with gifts and presents and showing their love for her gaining some amount of weight.



I dont need to pace myself, I'm into what I'm into. Unless you're calling me a liar and saying that was a made up scenario, when in fact it has been a reality for me twice in the past two years.


----------



## frankman (Oct 18, 2010)

natepogue said:


> If you think I need a therapist for what I've posted, you are sadly on the wrong forum. There are many more than me who are into showering a woman with gifts and presents and showing their love for her gaining some amount of weight.
> 
> 
> 
> I dont need to pace myself, I'm into what I'm into. Unless you're calling me a liar and saying that was a made up scenario, when in fact it has been a reality for me twice in the past two years.



You're a shiny golden god.


You are also wrong.
About everything.


----------



## thirtiesgirl (Oct 18, 2010)

Young, dumb, and full of... well, nevermind.


----------



## willowmoon (Oct 18, 2010)

View attachment norman.gif


Yup. ........................


----------



## mithrandirjn (Oct 18, 2010)

joswitch said:


> She's his girlfriend.
> Not his child.
> Not his patient.
> Not his project.
> ...



Who said anything about "*making* her" feel better? Certainly not me. I said he had a responsibility to help her, though I should've phrased it as "with the choices she makes".

I said that if you're in a committed relationship, you have a responsibility to the other person, and their feelings are first priority.

If that means her self esteem issues will only be worked out if she loses weight, then fine. If it means she feels better when she starts engaging in healthier activities (and if you're in a committed relationship with the person, wouldn't you attempt to help this way if they were miserable and hurting themselves?), then fine. In fact, both sound like the best answers going by the info given in this thread.

When you're committed to someone beyond "we're just dating", and the word love actually enters the equation, as dev says it has, then that means you start sharing the good and the bad as a couple. If you're going to express love for someone, then you'd damn well better take some level of responsibility to help them through their problems, even if the solution isn't one you may end up liking and even if your "help" is little more than simply being a positive or constructive presence for the person while they attempt to sort it out his/herself. I feel that should be expected for any kind of loving relationship, be it romantic or just familial or platonic love.

Of course, I don't have any firsthand way of knowing how loving the relationship is, but we're just working within the framework of the information provided.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

frankman said:


> You're a shiny golden god.
> 
> 
> You are also wrong.
> About everything.


I realize that.

And wrong about everything is pretty bold. You mirin me?



thirtiesgirl said:


> Young, dumb, and full of... well, nevermind.


Full of shit how? 

Dont reward a girl for gaining weight to turn you on? 




I sense a few jelly people mirin me :bow:


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 18, 2010)

Why are all these children running around unsupervised?


----------



## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Why are all these children running around unsupervised?



Ma'am, I feel as though you need to leap over yourself.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 18, 2010)

More wit and wisdom!


----------



## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

mossystate said:


> More wit and wisdom!


 
Come at me bro.


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 18, 2010)

Is it possible that I actually miss Tiguan's charm? That's how badly this has degraded. 

+1000 heh


----------



## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

CastingPearls said:


> Is it possible that I actually miss Tiguan's charm? That's how badly this has degraded.
> 
> +1000 heh



You mad bro?


----------



## CastingPearls (Oct 18, 2010)

Mad? You were compared to a mouth-breathing troglodyte and still was found wanting. If anything you bore me.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

come at me bro


----------



## That Guy You Met Once (Oct 18, 2010)

I think this thread has outlived its use.


----------



## joswitch (Oct 18, 2010)

mithrandirjn said:


> Who said anything about "*making* her" feel better? Certainly not me. I said he had a responsibility to help her, though I should've phrased it as "with the choices she makes".
> 
> I said that if you're in a committed relationship, you have a responsibility to the other person, and their feelings are first priority.
> 
> ...



No. 
You really don't have a "responsibility" for the other persons feelings. 
Love between adults is not an obligation nor a duty. 

You - personally - may feel that in your personal relationships project managing your other half's feelings is your job.
I used to believe that, too.
But RL experience (2nd LTR gf) taught me otherwise.
Now, I strongly disagree.
Act decently, honestly and lovingly towards your partner, sure.
Hugs, a bit of TLC, some practical help, it's all good....
But understand you cannot change your partner's feelings.
If someone is miserable they will often continue to be so, no matter what you do.
Some people love, LOVE misery and melodrama.
They thrive off the attention and the mood swings.
It is their way of life.
Often it's their parents way of life, too.
You - as their partner - cannot "cure" that.
Often they don't even want to be cured!
(No matter how much they might give lip-service to the idea.)

Which is why it is deluded to behave in such a way that makes you UNhappy - because you think that it will help your partner become happy. The only surefire result of that behaviour is - at least one unhappy partner, most probably two.

Trust me, this is gold, right here.
I should write a book.


----------



## Jes (Oct 18, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You mad bro?



I am loving your use of 'bro.' Do you have a gamecube? Some Natty Ice? A Jack Johnson CD? Do you like to chill?

forewarned is forearmed, bro:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8


----------



## natepogue (Oct 18, 2010)

Jes said:


> I am loving your use of 'bro.' Do you have a gamecube? Some Natty Ice? A Jack Johnson CD? Do you like to chill?
> 
> forewarned is forearmed, bro:
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8








Mirin me brah?


----------



## Dromond (Oct 18, 2010)

I hope you are impressing yourself, because you aren't impressing anyone else.


----------



## thatgirl08 (Oct 19, 2010)

Feederism creeps me the fuck out lately because of people like you natepogue. I can't even jill without thinking about this ridiculous thread.


----------



## frankman (Oct 19, 2010)

Jes said:


> I am loving your use of 'bro.' Do you have a gamecube? Some Natty Ice? A Jack Johnson CD? Do you like to chill?
> 
> forewarned is forearmed, bro:
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8



Fuck you're cool!


----------



## Jes (Oct 19, 2010)

frankman said:


> Fuck you're cool!



So, you wanna come over and chill? Chad's gonna be here. IFYOUKNOWWHATIMEAN.


----------



## The Orange Mage (Oct 19, 2010)

OP, you're an FA, start acting like it. Either make her take the damn compliment, feed her to immobility, and leaver her, or let her lose weight and hook up with a fatty on the side or something.

For chrissakes this post is parody/satire. Just FYI.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 19, 2010)

White text? What white text?


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 19, 2010)

To recap:

OP comes on here saying his g/f got fat off anti-psychotic meds and is unhappy with how she looks.

The usual suspects came on and once again picked out the one thing that could be considered controversial and blasted him for it.

OP defends himself to the attackers. Also proves that he's not a creep or weirdo, just asking for advice.

A real creep and weirdo shows up and actually makes me chuckle with his one liners to the New-UTOC.

Seventy Seven said the thread has outlived its use

MizzSnakeBite likes videos.


That's all for now.


----------



## MizzSnakeBite (Oct 19, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> To recap:
> 
> OP comes on here saying his g/f got fat off anti-psychotic meds and is unhappy with how she looks.
> 
> ...



It's always the quiet ones. :blush:


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> What should I do?



just leave her alone to decide what makes her comfortable with no pressure from you. after all its her body and her whole existence isn't just to satisfy you no matter how the rest of society acts when it comes to women. if you can deal then do. if not then find someone else. its not very complicated. if you can remember that she belongs to herself there is nothing to gnash your teeth over.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

natepogue said:


> If you think I need a therapist for what I've posted, you are sadly on the wrong forum. There are many more than me who are into showering a woman with gifts and presents and showing their love for her gaining some amount of weight.
> 
> 
> 
> I dont need to pace myself, I'm into what I'm into. Unless you're calling me a liar and saying that was a made up scenario, when in fact it has been a reality for me twice in the past two years.



why does it have to be attached to her gaining weight? have you ever thought that you could shower a woman with wonderful things just because she is her and not because she responded well to a control button?


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

bentleydev said:


> Woah there, hold on a second.
> 
> I never said I was trying to manipulate her or anything like that. Nor did I say that this is her fault. I realize that these feelings are _mine_ and no one else's (save for maybe some people on this board in their own situations) and I'm working on looking inward.
> 
> ...



honestly i don't believe you here. the need for you to express your interest to someone who does not want to be fat and is uncomfortable with it has no other purpose than to try and persuade her somehow. lets just be staright here. the main purpose of expressing that is to serve you not her. if needing or wanting a fat partner is so important for you i think you should really leave her alone. like Mossy said what your expressing is probably only making her more unhappy. you don't understand that its not the fact that you want her fat thats the problem. you have a interest counter to her own. if you don't truly share her goals thats disheartening to any woman. no woman wants to displease someone she cares about and i think deep down you know that and play on it. otherwise you wouldn't have told her. in the long run no matter what else you say it will feel like you'll disapprove of the body she wants. 

i really just wonder, why did you date her in the 1st place if it was so important to you to have a bigger woman if she was only 135? why didn't you just go out and get that bigger woman and leave her alone i it was so important to you? i know growing one is a fantasy for a lot of people but if she isn't into being fat the only way anyone could view your being happier with her bigger is as a cruelty to her. what if she told you she was excited by amputees and you had an accident and was devastated by the loss of a limb and she found it totally exciting and had to tell you? what if they devised a technique with stem cells that could grow it back exactly as it was and she made it understood that she would be unhappy with that? wouldn't that seem pretty selfish and hard hearted to you? wouldn't that make you feel unhappy?


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

LJ Rock said:


> As MisterGuy states, the conundrum you find yourself in is not uncommon among the FAs here. That doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with though, does it? I actually was contemplating posting a similar topic for discussion, as I am currently dating a BBW who is not as size-positive as I am or as I am accustomed to in other women I've dated.
> 
> I guess you have to ask yourself what your intentions are with this person. Do you really have genuine feelings for her? Do you see yourself really in it for the long haul together? If you think that you really could love her and have a future together, then you need to be able to love her and accept her for who she is, regardless of her size. You also need to ask yourself how important size and weight are to your sexuality. Believe me, I understand as do most of the men here just how _powerful_ an attraction fat admiration can be, but its up to each of us as individuals how much control we allow that attraction to have over us.
> 
> ...



this would never be a conundrum for anyone who truly respects the right of a woman to have control of her own body. there is no decision to be made by the op. he can only live with it or not. the rest is totally up to her.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 24, 2010)

mossystate said:


> He would have to work on his own ' crazy ' ( just using your delightful word ) issues to get that. Choosing someone you hope, in the back of your mind, changes to what you actually want...and not caring too much how they get there, as long as reads all sexy to you...that shows a little self-hate peeking around the corners of your life.



this exactly. well IMO more than a little self hatred actually.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 24, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> why does it have to be attached to her gaining weight? have you ever thought that you could shower a woman with wonderful things just because she is her and not because she responded well to a control button?


Because that's what I like and any girl I'm in the company of knows it.


----------



## frankman (Oct 25, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Because that's what I like and any girl I'm in the company of knows it.



And because you like it you have the right to disregard their feelings and use them for your own enjoyment. That makes perfect sense. 

But only when you're with a hooker.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 25, 2010)

frankman said:


> And because you like it you have the right to disregard their feelings and use them for your own enjoyment. That makes perfect sense.
> 
> But only when you're with a hooker.



Here's where you eagerly assume their feeling were against mine. WRONG

I dont push any girl to gain weight that isn't cool with the idea. Stop assuming things to make an argument, bud.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 27, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Because that's what I like and any girl I'm in the company of knows it.



oooh that sounds so sad and shallow. i feel so sorry for you that you don't know the joy of giving just to please someone else for no reason other than affection.


----------



## Dromond (Oct 28, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> oooh that sounds so sad and shallow. i feel so sorry for you that you don't know the joy of giving just to please someone else for no reason other than affection.



He will throw your pity back in your face and mock you for it. Because he's just that "badass."


----------



## natepogue (Oct 28, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> oooh that sounds so sad and shallow. i feel so sorry for you that you don't know the joy of giving just to please someone else for no reason other than affection.


I'm vocal about what I like, and the girls I am in the company of don't mind nor do they complain that I'm not "giving just to please someone else for no reason other than affection"  

Next time save it, sister. I don't care what you think of my relationships, I'm plenty alright with how they're going. Don't take your anger out on me. 


Dromond said:


> He will throw your pity back in your face and mock you for it. Because he's just that "badass."



I'm used to the condescending people on here. There's actually quite a few who aren't and a few of us have enjoyed a laugh in private over the ridiculous people trying to act like I'm some sad pathetic loser based off a couple posts where I joke about feeding and rewarding a woman for gaining weight. 


:eat1:


----------



## Dromond (Oct 28, 2010)

I don't think you are a sad, pathetic loser. I think you are a [redacted].


----------



## natepogue (Oct 28, 2010)

Oh you're so neat, getting around the rules. 

Grow up a little.


----------



## Dolce (Oct 28, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Oh you're so neat, getting around the rules.
> 
> Grow up a little.




Hey Nate, 

I was looking in my crystal ball this morning and I saw your future... it said, "On Timeout"


----------



## Dromond (Oct 28, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Oh you're so neat, getting around the rules.
> 
> Grow up a little.



Get back to me when you are of legal drinking age, kid.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 28, 2010)

Because you're not a real person with any intelligence until you're legally allowed to drink in the united states.


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 28, 2010)

natepogue said:


> I'm vocal about what I like, and the girls I am in the company of don't mind nor do they complain that I'm not "giving just to please someone else for no reason other than affection"
> 
> Next time save it, sister. I don't care what you think of my relationships, I'm plenty alright with how they're going. Don't take your anger out on me.
> 
> ...



i'm not being condescending when i say i feel sorry for you. you really don't have a clue and it is sad that the only way you seem to be able to relate is on a kind of odd level where you have to be getting something in particular before you can be thoughtful to someone. sorry but it is sad and pathetic to me if women have to know what you like in terms of tweaking your libido before you show them even the most self serving kind of care. IMO that way of dealing with other people is downright inhuman. i don't know what makes you so afraid of intimacy for intimacy's sake but i hope for you that one day you discover there is something more to life than just getting.

i actually don't care that you don't care. i'm not going to be silent though while you pretend that being disconnected from people as human beings is normal or desirable. there are other people at stake. if you don't want people commenting on your "relationships" and how you conduct them just maybe you shouldn't be posting about them in a public forum somewhere. you don't seem to have any problems treating people like you expect them to be meat so why should i have any problem treating you like i expect you to be a human?


----------



## natepogue (Oct 29, 2010)

> i'm not being condescending when i say i feel sorry for you.


Yes you are.


> you really don't have a clue and it is sad that the only way you seem to be able to relate is on a kind of odd level where you have to be getting something in particular before you can be thoughtful to someone


Wrong. Just giving one girl as an example; We dated and I never once mentioned my preference for big women. Everything went fine but we broke up because she lived too far away. We remained friends and now she knows what I like and she's into it. 



> sorry but it is sad and pathetic to me if women have to know what you like in terms of tweaking your libido before you show them even the most self serving kind of care.


Well, I've just proven you wrong about that since I had a relationship that last a while with no mention of big women at all or my desire for her to gain. I showed her plenty of affection.



> IMO that way of dealing with other people is downright inhuman. i don't know what makes you so afraid of intimacy for intimacy's sake but i hope for you that one day you discover there is something more to life than just getting.


I'm giving. Listening to you blindly judge me and throw accusations that have little to no basis is quite funny though. 



> actually don't care that you don't care. i'm not going to be silent though while you pretend that being disconnected from people as human beings is normal or desirable.


Because I find weight gain and eating attractive, I am disconnected from people as human beings. Try making sense, bro.



> there are other people at stake. if you don't want people commenting on your "relationships" and how you conduct them just maybe you shouldn't be posting about them in a public forum somewhere. you don't seem to have any problems treating people like you expect them to be meat so why should i have any problem treating you like i expect you to be a human?


How very dramatic of you, bro. You can comment on my "relationships" (You've insinuated that they're not relationships by your standards) all you want. I do wonder if you realize how foolish it is to assume major details of my relationships and then state them as if I've announced the previously. My first reply to your post easily dismissed the whole basis of you attacking my relationships. Did you notice you wrote all of this out based off ONE sentence: "Because that's what I like and any girl I'm in the company of knows it"

After that you somehow gathered all this information about me being unable to show affection to a woman without her gaining weight or meeting my demands. Good game bro, you lose. 

Also the statement was even wrong on my part, since it only applied to the recent me that is "out of the closet" as an FA. The old me never once mentioned my desires to any of the girls I was dating.


----------



## Dromond (Oct 29, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Because you're not a real person with any intelligence until you're legally allowed to drink in the united states.



More like you are acting like a child so I will treat you like one. You're starting to bore me, so you can have the last word. I'm done with this little coffee klatch of ours.


----------



## frankman (Oct 29, 2010)

NatePogue; the boxer who'll only stop fighting the inevitable when his own shadow drops dead of exasperation.


----------



## KHayes666 (Oct 30, 2010)

The only thing I have to question is breaking up because someone was too far away. I used to date a girl in Brooklyn and I lived in Boston and we found time to see each other. Hell, my current g/f lives 50 miles away from me.

If you truly, honestly care about someone then distance doesn't matter.


----------



## natepogue (Oct 30, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> The only thing I have to question is breaking up because someone was too far away. I used to date a girl in Brooklyn and I lived in Boston and we found time to see each other. Hell, my current g/f lives 50 miles away from me.
> 
> If you truly, honestly care about someone then distance doesn't matter.




She was 15, I was 16. I made the 40 minute drive quite a few times, and there were other reasons besides the distance. I didn't like her attitude some times, being a 15 year old girl she had a very immature way of expressing how she felt about me. 

As a side note, now that we're both older we get along just fine and she's the only girl I currently know who thinks BBW are the hottest type of women and is fully into gaining weight (And because SHE wants her body to be fuller, not me).


----------



## superodalisque (Oct 31, 2010)

natepogue said:


> Yes you are.
> 
> Wrong. Just giving one girl as an example; We dated and I never once mentioned my preference for big women. Everything went fine but we broke up because she lived too far away. We remained friends and now she knows what I like and she's into it.
> 
> ...



hey, i'm only going by what you posted here. and oh yeah --no i'm not  i know exactly what my own intentions are i was not being condescending when i said i felt sorry. i still do because you just can't get it. i'm not angry at you just genuinely sad for you that you are so far off base when it comes to other human beings. 

*waits for the "yes you are"*


----------



## natepogue (Oct 31, 2010)

superodalisque said:


> hey, i'm only going by what you posted here. and oh yeah --no i'm not  i know exactly what my own intentions are i was not being condescending when i said i felt sorry. i still do because you just can't get it. i'm not angry at you just genuinely sad for you that you are so far off base when it comes to other human beings.
> 
> *waits for the "yes you are"*



You're totally ignoring my post. You said I was off base when it comes other human beings because I can't be giving to a girl unless she's gaining weight for me. I disproved that lie (yeah, it was a lie you made up off one sentence) and now you're just ignoring it and instead going to focus on how you weren't trying to be condescending. I can't take you seriously at all if you ignore me disproving your claims. That's called willful ignorance. Good game, bro.


----------



## Jes (Nov 1, 2010)

Dromond said:


> He will throw your pity back in your face and mock you for it. Because he's just that "badass."



Also, he's mad that you're not a bro, and don't want to chill. But he's still gonna ask to borrow your Jack Johnson CD.


----------



## superodalisque (Nov 1, 2010)

natepogue said:


> You're totally ignoring my post. You said I was off base when it comes other human beings because I can't be giving to a girl unless she's gaining weight for me. I disproved that lie (yeah, it was a lie you made up off one sentence) and now you're just ignoring it and instead going to focus on how you weren't trying to be condescending. I can't take you seriously at all if you ignore me disproving your claims. That's called willful ignorance. Good game, bro.




maybe you aren't sad. but more like a lot of other people have stated --scary!


----------



## natepogue (Nov 2, 2010)

Jes said:


> Also, he's mad that you're not a bro, and don't want to chill. But he's still gonna ask to borrow your Jack Johnson CD.


My sister listens to Jack Johnson.



superodalisque said:


> maybe you aren't sad. but more like a lot of other people have stated --scary!



You can't win in this place. First I'm sad and only show women attention when they're gaining weight for me, now I've explained that i've only recently come out to close friends and a few girls I'm also close with and now I'm SCARY
by the way, "a lot of other people" is a major exaggeration. Only one person has implied i'm scary and that's Dromond. 

Fail


just stop bro


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## tonynyc (Nov 2, 2010)

natepogue said:


> My sister listens to Jack Johnson.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Maybe it's the tinted avatar....


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## bonified (Nov 2, 2010)

If you really love someone you want the upmost best for them, you need to love yourself enough, to want the best for you also, in order to do that.


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## LordQuas (Nov 15, 2010)

I hope a stampede doesnt start with all of the high horses being ridden in this thread


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## natepogue (Nov 15, 2010)

tonynyc said:


> Maybe it's the tinted avatar....



there, i turned the brightness up. now you can see my exceptionally beautiful face that drives women wild


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## tonynyc (Nov 15, 2010)

LordQuas said:


> I hope a stampede doesnt start with all of the high horses being ridden in this thread



I thought you were giving this thread the "finger" then I realized it was the Hamburger Helper Hand 




natepogue said:


> there, i turned the brightness up. now you can see my exceptionally beautiful face that drives women wild



Should brighten many a Dimmers here


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## mithrandirjn (Nov 22, 2010)

joswitch said:


> No.
> You really don't have a "responsibility" for the other persons feelings.
> Love between adults is not an obligation nor a duty.
> 
> ...



Considering I said "even if your help is little more than being a positive presence for the person while they work their issues out", I'd have to say we're basically in agreement here.

My point is simply that if you want to talk about love and a relationship, then you do have an obligation to be helpful; you don't have an obligation to overstep your bounds or attempt to control the person's feelings, but you do have one, in my opinion, to be what I said: a positive presence while they work through it.

I should add that, yes, if they simply continue to wallow in their misery and make life melodramatic and overly complicated, then by all means, don't stay attached to that business. There's no point in staying with somebody out of "love" if you're actually unhappy the whole time, because, well, then it isn't really love at all. But love does entail taking the good and bad that comes at you as a couple, and nobody's going to be happy with that 100% of the time.


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## LalaCity (Nov 22, 2010)

Maybe it's that he calls women "bro."


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## That Guy You Met Once (Nov 25, 2010)

KHayes666 said:


> The only thing I have to question is breaking up because someone was too far away. I used to date a girl in Brooklyn and I lived in Boston and we found time to see each other. Hell, my current g/f lives 50 miles away from me.
> 
> If you truly, honestly care about someone then distance doesn't matter.



Sort of. My only relationship thus far has been a long distance one, and throughout most of it, I was working 70 hours a week in a job I hated and couldn't meet up, to the point where we once went 5 months without any face-to-face. Now that it's over, I came to the ugly realization that I missed out on what should have been the best parts of our relationship, and wasn't there for her during the times we got along best.

I hate to speculate about what could have been, but maybe if we'd been able spend more real time together doing stuff instead of arguing about our problems in short phone/IM convos, things would've worked out differently.

There's a school of thought that says that if you really love someone, pretty much nothing they do will kill the relationship. This just isn't true.

And let me address some old stuff: As for the people who think it's bad to give positive attention to a part of someone they hate...

Ever heard of the "Black is Beautiful" movement?


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## gobettiepurple (Nov 26, 2010)

Seventy-Seven said:


> There's a school of thought that says that if you really love someone, pretty much nothing they do will kill the relationship. This just isn't true.



Often times love isn't enough.


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