# FFA Dating Guide



## Zagnut (Dec 7, 2006)

This post is a companion to my BHM Dating guide posts, and shares the same disclaimers:

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15198
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15242
http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15300

The intentions of these posts are to assist people and any generalizations and assumptions about FFAs, men in general and such are made with the hopes of not offending anyone, but helping those in need.

Additionally, some of what I share may seem contradictory to what I've suggested to BHMs, but I'm approaching this from the perspective of an FFA seeking a potential BHM partner, and addressing her unique needs and concerns.

***

Now to you, the laudable ladies that love large lads, hunting of the wild BHM has its own pitfalls and issues. As a person, it's hard to decide who your are attracted to -- it just kind of happens. As a lover of bigger men, it can be daunting to find and attract the right guy to fire your heart and desires, whether you are a thin svelte woman or the most voluptuous of BBWs. All too many BHM are shy. Many have been hurt and bear emotional scars. The sad fact is that a lot of bigger guy can't grasp the idea of being loved by a woman, particularly since the don't even love themselves. I know all to well; once I was one of them. 

At the very core of it is that if you are into a bigger man, and attracted to him, you will need to accept and comes to terms with the type of man he is. Do you like men that simply have a bit more padding? Do you like a big man with a nice round belly? Do you have fantasies of feeding a man until he is enormous? You'll need to accept what your type is and seek him out. If you like smaller men, trying to convince yourself that you'll become attracted to a much larger man may not be an option for you. Conversely, if you like an SSBHM, the thinner BHM man not be to your liking in the end. A great many men will not want to gain weight to the size you may wish. Many want to or are trying to lose their girth via diets and exercise. Many FFAs love all kinds of men, whiles others have their ranges of attraction. Don't apologize for who you are attracted to -- just love the men you dream of and as often as you can.

It's not always about your opinions either. Are your friends and family going to judge you for your choices in men? Can you withstand the scrutiny and stares strangers will cast on you for walking hand in hand with your 450 lbs man? Will friends act as though you are some great humanitarian for being able to love such a 'loser'? Are you going to be able to deal with other men hitting on you and ignoring your guy because he couldn't possibly be with a hottie like you? Many BHMs will be hurt by these occurrences, while others will be able to accept them. Ultimately, you may need to step up and show your love and strength, and not get caught up in what others think. All that should matter is the two of you.

Now finding a BHM to date isn't as easy as it may seem. Sure, you can spot a BHM, as he does stick out, but will he be available and able to date you? Many bigger guys have found love and companionship in the bear and chub gay subcultures. Many of us are taken -- married, engaged and/or loved by women (or men) already. Sure some are lotharios, willing to cheat with you, and later on you, but some would never stray. You will have a lot of misses, as a taken man is invariably more confident than a single one. I get hit on occasionally, and even though I'm a bit of a flirt I'm not looking. This can be difficult for you ladies.

Next, men are not necessarily attracted to someone of your current size, whether you are thin or a BBW. It's common for many rather ignorant people to assume that a bigger man only belongs with a bigger woman. Some guys only like one extreme or another. Some like any and all women. There is a sense of comfort as a big man of being with a big woman as the realities of being large are often shared. A thin woman might forget that her BHM won't fit into that restaurant booth and inadvertently bring attention to his size when he just wants to blend in. If you've never been heavy, you likely won't know what we go through and experience. If you are or have been heavy, that is a common thread a BHM would share. Meeting and finding that right person is often about finding those commonalities to bridge the gaps between two people. However many guys are only attracted to thin women, whether by preference or by influence. This is life -- one man's Goddess might be the next man's Medusa. For the record, I think you are all beautiful.

In much the same way as a BHM finding his lady love, you'll likely need to find a man with common interests, as a relationship built entirely on lust for his chubby body might not be the best way to build a relationship. Of course, if your desire is to nude climb as many BHM mountains as you can, I'm sure you won't have too much difficulty finding them, but we'll just assume your goal is love.

It does fall to the FFA is many cases to be the brave one. Too many BHMs are shy. This comes from the garbage many of us have had to deal with. Being approached by a hot woman usually was a trap and not a sign of sincere interest. I've spent a lot of money on women who only wanted money or attention, or someone to help them move the next weekend, and I would do for them. Users generally outnumber real FFAs in a BHMs life. It was a lesson hard learned, and to this day I'm still cautious.

As discussed here recently and in the past, many BHM tend toward more geeky interests, those more mainstream interests are not uncommon either. Online ads can be effective, if you don't mind an onslaught of genitalia photos along with monosyllabic, rude, one-liner emails. Posting a clear, descriptive and honest ad online expressing that you are interested in a bigger man, and not a thinner/muscle bound guy, may yield positive results. 

Out there in public may be the best option. As silly as it sounds, shopping is a great potential for finding BHMs. Clothing stores are an area where an otherwise confident man can buckle under the pressure of whether this shirt goes with this tie. While stalking out your local big and tall shop might seem a little creepy, we do shop there and I've been hit on before in those places. Many department stores have big man sections too, so you can at least sneak a peek of cute bigger guys, from the safety of another section.

In all honesty, most public places are ideal places to look. Times have progressed past the point where a damsel's dropped kerchief was enough to ensnare a potential suitor, still the notion of the man chasing the woman until she catches him is still a hard one to shake. The trick for an FFA is to initiate contact, as even the hardiest of BHMs can still be rather shy in social settings. No lines are needed, but even a simple "do you have the correct time?" followed by an honest compliment can do wonders to start things off. You are just trying to feel him out -- to try and figure if he's available and if he's potentially interested in you. He may initially think you are out of his league, but be friendly and kind. Smile, and look him in the eyes -- not at his belly or round cheeks. The trick is to be approachable and comfortable, but keep him feeling like a man. If your conversation continues, try to connect to any clearly shared interest and see if there is anything there between the two of you. If you are carrying the conversation, he may be uninterested, taken or too insecure to continue. Take my word for it, if he can't meet your eyes and be secure enough to talk, then you won't likely have a good time with him down the line.

In more social places, such as clubs and bars, you can be a bit more bold. Little tricks can work, if you have the nerve. If he's sitting alone, ask if the chair next to him is taken, and sit down if it isn't. Wait for half a minute, and then strike up a conversation. If a guy is standing by the dance floor, start dancing and motion for him to join you. This is a safe and face saving move. If he's standing alone, walk over and stand next to him, wait for 30 seconds and strike up a conversation as mentioned above. If he's with a group of guys, you could wink at him from a distance or even order a drink for him from the waitress. Tip her well and she'll may even help you break the ice. My last girlfriend got me with that one.

Watch his eyes and if he's nervous or uncomfortable, ask him a non-threatening questions to distract him -- to see if it's a fear issue. Avoid topics like politics and religion, and go with safe ones like movies, TV or music. Again, try to establish commonality. Many BHMs are shy and insecure to the core, and are not ready to be in any relationship. Others just need a little bit to get past their defenses. Few will approach you, unless you make yourself approachable. Touch is a good. Briefly grasping his arm or shoulder at a joke is always good. Occasionally shifting closer if sitting beside him is also good. The trick is to look for chemistry and connection.

You typical will set the rate at which things progress if you and he are clicking together. Decide if you want to date this guy, if you want him to kiss you or you want to be decidedly most naughty with him. Do you want him to call you or email you? Is he a potential Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or Mr. Get Lost? Is this guy just fun, or is he curling your toes just with his presence. Feminizing comments are a no-no, unless you are looking for a completely submissive guy. Do you want a man or do you want a boy? Whatever you want is ultimately what's right for you. You have the power!

Keep the conversation flowing as this is how you will learn most of what you want to know. If you or he are leaving, and he hasn't asked for your number, give it to him yourself. It's wise to give an email or cell number, rather than a home number as Google can often reveal your home address from it. If you are wanting to go out with him, you may need to set it up for him to ask. For an FFA, a dinner and movie date does have an advantage, so mentioning to him a particular movie you want to see may instill in him the nerve to ask you out. If you think he's just too shy, ask him if he'd like to meet you at the theater. This is better than having him pick you up, as there is always the risk of getting a clingy guy initially. He may be better on the phone or in email, so don't lose hope if you don't get asked out in person, and try again via those alternatives. Heck, you can always try asking him out too.

When preparing for the date, dress comfortably but making sure you're attractive and alluring. Don't go for overly sexy otherwise your date may not even notice you have eyes. Keeping things more casual will likely make things less stressful on your BHM, as an overdressed big man often is likely to sweat and feel unattractive. Keep things fun and playful, and be all woman and not so much girlish. If things are progressing, you want to set a mood that is romantic and even sexy, not little sisterly. Things should progress physically, as this is often the best test of chemistry. Always bring a cell phone (turned off), at least one condom (even though a BHM may be rather inexperienced, what experience he has had may not have been the wisest) and means to get home -- whether you drive yourself, or just have money for a cab or public transport.

If things progress to more intimate levels, you may need to force his hand. If the time has come for that first kiss, you may have to make it almost inescapable for him. Put your arms around his neck and lean into him, caressing his shoulders and neck tenderly, if necessary, to surreptitiously ease his tension. Slowly tilt your head and move in. Of course just kissing him outright is pretty much a guarantee. He may not be good kisser, so gently show him the way by action and not word. People can learn quickly with patience and compassion.

Watch for the warning signs of things moving too fast. Slow things down if you must, but if you are still interested in seeing him keep things moving at some level. You may want him on the first date, but it may be wise to let a few dates progress until things are right for both of you. Be wise when making out passionately, as even a BHM might not respect your saying no. If you aren't interested in continuing to see him, let him down gently -- and possibly with a kiss to show that he is desirable. Don't break your BHMs as he might be right for the next FFA rather than being fodder for the next abusive woman. Don't be surprised if he falls for you fast, nor be surprised if he takes a long time to open up. He's a man like any other, with a long history before you. Just take your time, get to know him, let things progress comfortably for both of you ... and have fun.

When at last you are ready to take your BHM to full physical intimacy, you definitely need to be patient and tender. He may be a virgin or have little experience. His ideas of sex may be etched in his psyche via the illustrious world of adult entertainment. Sex the first time with any guy is rarely going to be the most fulfilling, and if things go too fast, play if off as no big deal. If things don't get going successfully, do the same. Enjoy the closeness and touch him lovingly in earnest and sincerely. For a lot of big guys being naked with a woman is the highest state of vulnerability. Give him time and plenty of loving attention. Let your hands and words show how handsome he is to you. Your initial misfiring rocket may later rock your world.

Above all else, communicate in honest and kind words. Think of what you say before you say it. If things were reversed and it would hurt to say it then it's probably not right for him to hear. Help to build his confidence if it's lacking. He's very much the lion with the thorn in his paw. Love him, care for him and let him find his roar -- to compliment your sexy meow!

***

Ladies, I hope this helps. I am open to any and all questions.


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## iheartsquishys (Aug 8, 2008)

Zagnut, thank you for writing this. It was a great guide for approaching pretty much any kind of guy. It was an interesting and helpful read, although I did have to giggle at a few of the generalizations. I know from your disclaimers you mean nothing by it but I have to say I'm very glad all of the BHMs I've been with were much more confident and womanly knowledgeable than some of the descriptions in the guide. 

I'm wondering if you or any of the other BHMs (more is always better, no one can speak for all BHMs) would be interested in writing the next step guide to dating a BHM. I'm pretty good at approaching a guy and getting things started but...then there are those situations specific to dating a BHM that get a little confusing. You mention that some BHMs may be attracted to BBW because they've had similar experiences. This is what I'm wondering about. I'm chubby but I've never been as big as the guys I'm interested in dating. I'm not talking about sex. I think we've got enough threads with that advice. I'll give some examples:

If I'm dating a guy and planning on going to the movies with a group of friends but I know the theater has small seats that he would most likely not fit in to, should I invite him to let him know I would still like his company? Or should I avoid asking so he doesn't have to suffer the embarassment (if he hasn't yet learned to love his size) of explaining it to me?

Similarly if we're going to a friends house and I know she has a tiny apartment and tiny furniture that is going to be uncomfortable, (specifically I'm thinking of a dinner party where I wasn't sure her Big Lots dining room chairs were going to hold him) should I let her know ahead of time so accomodations can be made? Should I let him know so he can make the decison to not go or should I let him deal with the situation when we get there?

I drive a full size pickup and live in a city with small parking spaces. In most spaces even if I park perfect it is sometimes difficult for me to get out let alone my BHM. I don't know if is more embarassing for me to stop before I pull in so he can get out or for him to have to struggle to get out. Should I offer? Is this embarassing? Would this make him feel emasculated?

I do a lot of outdoors activities and try to encourage my BHM to go with me if I've got one. I try to accomodate them by having gear specifically for them. For example I have heavy duty repelling gear and I'm searching for a camp cot that would be appropriate. Is the endearing or puting too much pressure on them to participate in my activities? Would a BHM feel more obligated to go because I have purchased pricy gear to accomodate guys like him?

When I cook for a BHM I make several servings and give him the same amount of food for him as for myself until he realizes I think him being big and eating a lot is hot. I always offer seconds. Once they understand I give him more or make sure I buy a me-sized steak and a him-sized steak or make myself a chicken breast and him a chicken etc. However when I have friends over for dinner should I go back to serving him the same amount as everyone else? Obviously there is a good chance he eats more than other people but does giving him the bigger portion point out his size and make him uncomfortable?

I gravitate towards guys with a good sense of humor. When their buddies are making jokes about their size and indicating it is unattractive, is it okay for me to laugh too or does this indicate I think his fat is unattractive? Is it okay for me to make jokes? For example, if we're at the beach and his buddy makes one of the ever so creative beached whale jokes, can I respond with I'd harpoon that whale any day? Is this cute/insulting/emasculating?

Frequently upon meeting me, a BHM's friend will ask something similar to "You're cute, why are you with this fatty?" I think they mean this as a joke and also as a way to test me and protect their friend. They want to know if I'm for real and if I'll proudly stand up and say "because I think he's hot!" but I never know how to respond. My knee-jerk reaction is to let them know I think his fat is hot but I'm affraid they won't believe me and think I'm making a joke or lying to their buddy to get somthing or they'll believe me and think I'm a freak. If I just say I think he is attractive, they assume I mean I think he is attractive in spite of his fat but I want them to know that is not what I mean. Which is the way a BHM would prefer a girl to respond?

I'll stop before this becomes a book. I've touched on some of these in other threads but I'm hoping for more advice about these situations. Also, I'm thinking in terms of the general public, guys who have not been to this site and may not know FFA's exist. If you're willing to write a guide for what to do with the BHM after you've got him that would be great.


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## MaryElizabethAntoinette (Aug 9, 2008)

This was just extremely well written and enjoyable to read. It probably would have helped me in my approach to big guys. (I can never approach a big man in public... well, I can never approach _anyone_ in public). 

But looking back on the beginning of my relationship with Chris, and I can see a lot of the things you've mentioned coming into play. And I'm sure our relationship would have been a little less rocky in the beginning had I read this before. *giggle*


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## cammy (Aug 11, 2008)

I agree, very well written and alot of infomation relevant to dating in general. Too bad dropping the kerchief is no longer in fashion, passive aggression works so well in so many situations.


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## Tad (Aug 11, 2008)

iheartsquishys said:


> Similarly if we're going to a friends house and I know she has a tiny apartment and tiny furniture that is going to be uncomfortable, (specifically I'm thinking of a dinner party where I wasn't sure her Big Lots dining room chairs were going to hold him) should I let her know ahead of time so accomodations can be made? Should I let him know so he can make the decison to not go or should I let him deal with the situation when we get there?



I'd flip it around, and say to m friend "My boyfriend is a pretty big guy, and I'm a bit worried about him and your furniture. I just want to head off any problems, I have some ideas, could we talk about it?" Ideas would include her bringing out a sturdier chair if she has one in another room, or you dropping one over ahead of time. Make one of the regular chairs vanish for the evening, so the table is sitting one chair short. Put the good chair wherever it is that people will be gathering at first. When it is almost time to eat have her ask your boyfriend "Oh, we need one more chair at the table, could you bring that chair along?" 

There are other solutions too, but the general idea would be to put the onus on your friends to accommodate your boyfriend, not to make your boyfriend accommodate your friends. I don't think that is too much to ask of friends.



> I drive a full size pickup and live in a city with small parking spaces. In most spaces even if I park perfect it is sometimes difficult for me to get out let alone my BHM. I don't know if is more embarassing for me to stop before I pull in so he can get out or for him to have to struggle to get out. Should I offer? Is this embarassing? Would this make him feel emasculated?



I don't think it is a problem at all to ask him to get out first. Just phrase it as "This thing is so huge that it is hard to find parking where both doors will open enough to get out. Would you mind hopping out now, that will make it so much easier for me when I park." Which is entirely true.



> I do a lot of outdoors activities and try to encourage my BHM to go with me if I've got one. I try to accomodate them by having gear specifically for them. For example I have heavy duty repelling gear and I'm searching for a camp cot that would be appropriate. Is the endearing or puting too much pressure on them to participate in my activities? Would a BHM feel more obligated to go because I have purchased pricy gear to accomodate guys like him?



I wouldn't go on about the special gear, for starters. You want him to come with you, so you've made it possible for him to come with you. No need to go into the details of it, unless he asks. 

Now, it is an entirely different question when it comes to can he do it, does he want to do these things, or for that matter is he comfortable doing those things. 

For example with rappelling, even if the ropes support most of his weight, I imagine that there is climbing up in the first place, and that on the way down the arms and legs get a work out. Bouncing his weight off the rocks with his legs will take a fair bit of power. Is he in good enough shape, both in terms of strength and especially endurance, to do that for long? At the least I'd think plan for a very small expedition to let him try it out and see what he thinks. Note that even if he does it, and says he's fine, pay attention to see if he's shaking later on, super tired later that day, or really suffering the next day. That part is the 'can he really do this.'

Then there is the simple question of did he enjoy it, or even want to give it a try? Lots of people would enjoy rappelling, but lots won't, totally aside from any other factor. 

Also there is non-practical concerns. Is he worried about people laughing at the fat guy hanging off the cliff? Is he concerned that his belly will hang out and be visible to all? That he won't be able to keep up with you, and you, he, and everyone else will think less of him for not being able to keep up with a woman? He may worry about those things, or he may not, but if he does it may be hard to get him to admit to those concerns. 

.


> ... However when I have friends over for dinner should I go back to serving him the same amount as everyone else? Obviously there is a good chance he eats more than other people but does giving him the bigger portion point out his size and make him uncomfortable?



You could make it serve yourself from serving bowls set on the table. Or yes you could give him larger portions but not make it obvious. Or you could invite him over earlier to help you get ready, and give him extra appetizers and food samples so he won't be too hungry. Or better yet, end the party at a reasonable hour, and invite him to stay to help clean up....and try to get him to clean up a bunch of the left-overs, bonus if he lets you feed them to him.




> Frequently upon meeting me, a BHM's friend will ask something similar to "You're cute, why are you with this fatty?" I think they mean this as a joke and also as a way to test me and protect their friend. They want to know if I'm for real and if I'll proudly stand up and say "because I think he's hot!"



Personally I think that is a perfect answer, and the only thing I'd maybe answer is an an exaggerated "duuuuuh!" at the end, as if to say "why else would I be dating him?" Or for variety maybe "I was going to lock him in my bedroom to be my personal love slave, but then I realized I also love showing him off to everyone."

Just in general, if you apologize for him, you are telling him that you think he needs to be apologized for. So don't. Don't apologize, don't justify, just state things the way they are, like it is natural and you expect the world to accept it without comment. In his presence people probably won't pursue it. When he is not there they might try to, but then sentences like "No." get really useful, maybe accompanied by re-phrasing their questions to line up with your world view. So:

"Isn't he awfully big?" "No, he's delightfully big."

"Aren't you worried about his health?" "No."

"He's really fat." "I've noticed."

"I mean, like, his belly jiggles and stuff." "Yes it does."

Those sort of answers make it pretty hard for the other person to carry on without being very rude. And they make it clear that you are not going to apologize.

I hope this helped a bit.


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## iheartsquishys (Aug 25, 2008)

Thanks for reading and replying to my ridiculously long post, edx. You're kind of fantastic. It was very helpful and I think in general just made me realize for the most part I'm over thinking things. I like to make sure the people around me that I care about are comfortable and sometimes I over compensate. Also, I'm just always curious to find out what things are like from the other side. Its my elaborate way of asking the ever obnoxious question "What are you thinking?" On that note, I'd love to hear some opinions from the other BHMs on some of these situations.



edx said:


> I'd flip it around, and say to m friend "My boyfriend is a pretty big guy, and I'm a bit worried about him and your furniture. I just want to head off any problems, I have some ideas, could we talk about it?" Ideas would include her bringing out a sturdier chair if she has one in another room, or you dropping one over ahead of time. Make one of the regular chairs vanish for the evening, so the table is sitting one chair short. Put the good chair wherever it is that people will be gathering at first. When it is almost time to eat have her ask your boyfriend "Oh, we need one more chair at the table, could you bring that chair along?"
> 
> There are other solutions too, but the general idea would be to put the onus on your friends to accommodate your boyfriend, not to make your boyfriend accommodate your friends. I don't think that is too much to ask of friends.



You're right, I could definitely ask my friends to accommodate my squishy. My preference is no secret. In fact it has come up before where we've been making plans and I've had to explain to a friend that they're idea just wasn't reasonable for my squishy. I just never know if they find out later if this is going to be insulting/embarrassing or if they would appreciate my forethought.



edx said:


> I wouldn't go on about the special gear, for starters. You want him to come with you, so you've made it possible for him to come with you. No need to go into the details of it, unless he asks.
> 
> Now, it is an entirely different question when it comes to can he do it, does he want to do these things, or for that matter is he comfortable doing those things.



Its usually pretty obvious that the gear is too big for me. I just don't know whether once they see it, it puts them under pressure to go again and if I should reassure them they're under no pressure or if that just points it out to them. 



edx said:


> Also there is non-practical concerns. Is he worried about people laughing at the fat guy hanging off the cliff? Is he concerned that his belly will hang out and be visible to all? That he won't be able to keep up with you, and you, he, and everyone else will think less of him for not being able to keep up with a woman? He may worry about those things, or he may not, but if he does it may be hard to get him to admit to those concerns.



This applies for anyone I take out on my adventures. I always start slow, on a day when no one else is out. I don't push them to do anything they're uncomfortable with. I try to move at their pace (which is usually faster than mine).



edx said:


> you could invite him over earlier to help you get ready, and give him extra appetizers and food samples so he won't be too hungry. Or better yet, end the party at a reasonable hour, and invite him to stay to help clean up....and try to get him to clean up a bunch of the left-overs, bonus if he lets you feed them to him.



I like the invite him over early idea. Although this would probably result in my just locking the door and not letting anyone else in.  I'll have to go with the help with leftovers.



edx said:


> I hope this helped a bit.



It did. Thank you.


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## Ichida (Aug 25, 2008)

Here is my thing with dating BHMs I am no sure if other FFA's find.

I'm a very active person and very motivated. So many BHM I've dated are very, very geeky or super, overly chilled out for me. I LOVE to see my BHM lazy around - but i also want to DO stuff - go for easy hikes, play frizbee, just get out there and do something.

So many times when you hit on a BHM they take it to heart, esp if you are caring about them. How can you gently hit on a BHM, get his hopes up when you might determine DAMN HE'S FINE...but he won't suit my lifestyle/we aren't compatible on a deeper level????


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## Tad (Aug 25, 2008)

Ichida said:


> So many times when you hit on a BHM they take it to heart, esp if you are caring about them. How can you gently hit on a BHM, get his hopes up when you might determine DAMN HE'S FINE...but he won't suit my lifestyle/we aren't compatible on a deeper level????



I think that is always an issue with dating. I know it was one of the things that scared me off for a long time, the fear of needing to dump a perfectly nice person because I didn't think we were right for each other. 

But to address the specefic thing you said, how much of that lifestyle do you need to do with your guy, versus with other friends? Is it possible that you can arrange things so that there are parts of life you share closely, but other parts where you each do your own thing? (maybe not for you, some people really don't want that....some really do).


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## Ichida (Aug 25, 2008)

I definately feel what you're saying, and I agree that my BHM doesn't have to scale cliffs with me or something dramatic. On the other hand I spend the MAJORITY of my time with my significant other...I don't mind compromising on what I am doing to accomodate him or avoiding doing things that he can't do while with him...But I'd rather be with him than anyone else.

I mean more like complete lifestyle differences - i want to walk, he wants to play lotr online. I want to go to a movie, he wants to take a nap. I want to hang out with friends, he wants to chill out at home. (not to say i'm not a homebody lol!)

I find flirting with a BHM is even more risky than dating an average guy - if we aren't compatible he may think it's due to his size, that i'm not that into him because of his weight. I find sometimes BHM have a hard time accepting that girls may not be into them for the same reason they aren't into their skinny counterparts...Not compatible. 

Do any other BHM have any thoughts on this? Would you rather be flirted with and let down easy if you found you weren't compatible...or jog along as "friends" until she's sure?


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## Ichida (Aug 26, 2008)

^^ True!

Now, where does escapist live? lmao j/k j/k


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## Funk MD (Aug 27, 2008)

GREAT thread. Bounce!


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## bigpulve (Sep 11, 2008)

I thought as a BHM I would help you out....



iheartsquishys said:


> If I'm dating a guy and planning on going to the movies with a group of friends but I know the theater has small seats that he would most likely not fit in to, should I invite him to let him know I would still like his company? Or should I avoid asking so he doesn't have to suffer the embarassment (if he hasn't yet learned to love his size) of explaining it to me?


Well I have been to most every theatre in Omaha and I can tell you if I will be comfortable or not. Im not sure if all bigger fellas do that, but I remember how large or small the seats are and if I feel ok sitting in them. Also its perfectly ok to ask him about seating. Even in our newer huge theatres I will still lift up one arm to be more comfortable, which could be a good thing. 



> Similarly if we're going to a friends house and I know she has a tiny apartment and tiny furniture that is going to be uncomfortable, (specifically I'm thinking of a dinner party where I wasn't sure her Big Lots dining room chairs were going to hold him) should I let her know ahead of time so accomodations can be made? Should I let him know so he can make the decison to not go or should I let him deal with the situation when we get there?


What was previously stated about having your friends accommodating him works well. You could also bring him over to your friends house a day or so before to see....If you are hanging out with him say you have to stop buy there and invite him up with you. Tell him you may be a minute and to have a seat. That is a way to see....



> I drive a full size pickup and live in a city with small parking spaces. In most spaces even if I park perfect it is sometimes difficult for me to get out let alone my BHM. I don't know if is more embarassing for me to stop before I pull in so he can get out or for him to have to struggle to get out. Should I offer? Is this embarassing? Would this make him feel emasculated?


 This situation really depends on the size, strength and relative shyness or lack of in your new friend. I am 5'6 315 and usually have not many problems slipping out of a car. But then again I have no shame and am willing to do embarrassing stuff. You should really just ask him what he wants to do. Some guys may feel like its making fun of him but others will take it as a caring gesture....its another per guy thing.



> I do a lot of outdoors activities and try to encourage my BHM to go with me if I've got one. I try to accomodate them by having gear specifically for them. For example I have heavy duty repelling gear and I'm searching for a camp cot that would be appropriate. Is the endearing or puting too much pressure on them to participate in my activities? Would a BHM feel more obligated to go because I have purchased pricy gear to accomodate guys like him?


You really need to discuss this with him. He could be one of the fat guys that absolutely hates doing anything physical. Nothing wrong with that but some are like that. Other guys may be huge into doing physical stuff outside of the bedroom. You seem to be of an active lifestyle so you need to find a BHM that is more physically able. I personally love doing active things. I pride myself on being a physically fitter fat man. But others may not be. Its all individual.



> When I cook for a BHM I make several servings and give him the same amount of food for him as for myself until he realizes I think him being big and eating a lot is hot. I always offer seconds. Once they understand I give him more or make sure I buy a me-sized steak and a him-sized steak or make myself a chicken breast and him a chicken etc. However when I have friends over for dinner should I go back to serving him the same amount as everyone else? Obviously there is a good chance he eats more than other people but does giving him the bigger portion point out his size and make him uncomfortable?


For me personally I hate getting more food than other people. It makes me feel like I am different and am being treated that way. Also for most fat guys eating in front of people may be very uncomfortable, especially if they are strangers. Side story. I have been working as a residential assistant in a house with 5 autistic kids. Staff make dinner and are supposed to make enough for the kids and staff to eat. I have been working there for over 3 months and still dont feel comfortable eating in front of my co workers. Like everything else its all individual and you need to find out from him. 

Also dont always assume he eats more. He could be fat because he picks bad food or he eats high calorie food, not because he eats lots of food. 



> I gravitate towards guys with a good sense of humor. When their buddies are making jokes about their size and indicating it is unattractive, is it okay for me to laugh too or does this indicate I think his fat is unattractive? Is it okay for me to make jokes? For example, if we're at the beach and his buddy makes one of the ever so creative beached whale jokes, can I respond with I'd harpoon that whale any day? Is this cute/insulting/emasculating?


I know in the BHM dating guide it said for a BHM not to make fun of himself. Well I have no problem making a fat joke about myself. I do it all the time. Its something I am comfortable with. Also a lot of fat guys are very insecure about there weight and sexuality being in the same sentence. If the man is ok with his friends making fun of his weight he most likely isnt ok with you doing it unless you have been going out for a little while. Something like that is built up over time.



> Frequently upon meeting me, a BHM's friend will ask something similar to "You're cute, why are you with this fatty?" I think they mean this as a joke and also as a way to test me and protect their friend. They want to know if I'm for real and if I'll proudly stand up and say "because I think he's hot!" but I never know how to respond. My knee-jerk reaction is to let them know I think his fat is hot but I'm affraid they won't believe me and think I'm making a joke or lying to their buddy to get somthing or they'll believe me and think I'm a freak. If I just say I think he is attractive, they assume I mean I think he is attractive in spite of his fat but I want them to know that is not what I mean. Which is the way a BHM would prefer a girl to respond?


If it were me I wouldnt care what you said, but many men will. the best thing to do is not even bring up the fat issue. What they are looking for is a girl that likes him for him. Not because of or in spite of his weight. But it is ok to let them know that you dont find him unattractive. 

If you have any more questions you are fully welcome to PM me.


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## escapist (Nov 26, 2008)

missaf said:


> It's a balance you have to find in the guy, and it's perfectly okay to what someone that is active sometimes, but also can lounge around, too.
> 
> A perfect example of an active fat guy to me is Escapist. He hikes, does Jiu Jitsu, kicks some major ass, but he's a sexy fat man with incredible interests and skill
> 
> ...



Thanks  I should read this stuff more often. Ichida, Las Vegas PM Me if your looking for Martial Arts Lessons or a Hiking Buddy  I'm probably going to go hit Snow Canyon this weekend in Utah.

missaf is right though, I'm not just big I'm really big to do what I do, and it took a lot of work. I use a heart rate monitor watch to make sure I'm safe, I try not to let my BPM go over 158 (Beats Per Minute) I can keep it up for around a 1/2 hour. I also know even though I'm a BHM a big % of it is muscle because of how much I do.

About places of entertainment and seating well, yeah that's a hard one. I am so big that it does happen that I can't fit in all seats. I only really get embarrassed when they break when I'm actually in them, and yes it has happened. I always keep an eye out for chairs with no arms, bench seats, that kind of stuff, almost never sit in a booth unless I can move the table. I know I don't look that big in my pictures but keep in mind I'm near 6'4". Most my girlfriends disappear in me when I hug them lol.

Ok I read more of the post, iheartsquishys...it sounds like a lot of what you had to say was more about emotional issues than physical. Most of us BHM's those of us who can love it in our own skin (yes I am the first person to do a "Fat Bastard" impersonation at a party when I KNOW its going to catch someone off guard and almost make them choke) we know we are big, we can deal with it. Give your man the benefit of the doubt that he is the strong man you feel him to be. Allow the view and belief you have in him to be the dominating thing in your mind when you start to worry if what you do or might say will hurt him. Most women can send a shock-wave of confidence to a man with the smallest glance and gesture that says "In-my-man-I-trust". Did you know that there was a study done of a "Universal Facial Expression Language" that simply thinking a thought will cause you to send that thought via your expressions to others. Always show that you trust in who he is, who he can be, and how amazing he is. This summons something deep inside most men that they can not help but live up to. Most men desire to have the faith of others in them. I believe, the qualities of leadership, strength, loyalty, steadfastness, and honor, to be in all men, just perhaps untapped, and unrealized yet in some.

I see Self-confidence as what is truly speak of in all this. Your sensitive nature cautions you to be careful of what your fears seem to express as a perceived fragile self-image held by a BHM. Such care and tender love is a wonderful attribute in a woman, but I caution it be shown in only the most tender of moments. Personally I feel it only makes it so much sweeter. 

As to the "You're cute, why are you with this fatty?" that's easy....see I know a secret, I know (and yes you can disagree with me) that attraction isn't really a choice, almost all of us have had the experienced of feeling a strong attraction form someone who we don't consider our "ideal". The reason is complex and yet simple. For women it is so based on personality it isn't funny! Not one of your friends can bash you if you stand up to them, and tell them the amazing qualities of this BHM you are attracted to. Once again I caution you, because they themselves may even find him attractive once you do. I have watched it happen! Attraction experts call it "Social Proofing". I don't know what these qualities might be, perhaps that he always knows what to say, or he is such a positive person he makes your world a funner brighter place to be. When your with that giant of a man you simply feel protected, wonderful, and happy. If they can't appreciate that, well you might want some new friends. My female friends could date a 3" Gnome if he helped her feel that great about her life.

Be positive, be thoughtful, be fun, be supportive, be yourself! I love going out with anybody who can do that....ok I like mine with a dash of spice and teasing tooo heheh don't be too nice, cause I won't be lol (I'm so bad!). I'm to playful for my own good lol.

Good Luck with the BHM Hunt 
<cough> <cough> "I'm available" <cough>


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## Fangs (May 6, 2009)

Zagnut said:


> Your initial misfiring rocket may later rock your world.



While this hasn't been the majority, it's most certainly true! It would have done wonders for me to know this a few years ago. I remember wanting to pounce on a gorgeous BHM, but he wasn't physically aroused at all. I kept wondering if there was something wrong with me that he just didn't *want* to have sex with me. 
Little did I know he was apparently overwhelmed. Oops.


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