# casual sex



## likeitmatters (Feb 16, 2008)

As you know I am a gay man and as a gay man I think the world views us as sex crazed men but I am lucky to say that I am not. Since my partner died over 3 years ago I have not engaged another man in that department because I made a promise to my late partner and to myself that I would wait till mr right came along. Well I have had lots of men who sweet talk me and now that I am 50(today actually) I can see through their bullshit and sweet talk with ease.
Just yesterday a man who I met was very interested in me and we talked about getting together and I told him I love to but...no casual sex sorry. he said we can be friends and I said great Platontic friends...his whole tone changed. And I said I want more out of life than wham bam thank you sir....

My question for everybody here is that..if you met a man or a woman would you still date them if they told ya that sorry no sex before marriage? and you really liked them and they were adamate about no sex?

Thank you.


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## sugah kayne (Feb 16, 2008)

I'm in a similar position to yourself, meaning, I'm also no longer having casual sex, plenty of men want to have sex with me, but none want to date me, so I've been celibate for just shy of a year now.

I think, imo, no sex before marriage is a bit extreme, but certainly no sex unless your in a committed relationship is fine. 
If the guy dosn't think your worth having a relationship with, or isnt ready to settle down in a relationship then he wasn't worth having sex with in the first place.


But most important is how YOU feel about it, if you are happy and determined to wait untill marriage ( or committed relationship ) then you shouldn't let what others say persuade you to do otherwise. 

Do whats right for you. 

hugs 

sugah


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## vardon_grip (Feb 16, 2008)

First off let me say: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Next, I think that "no casual sex" and "abstinence" are different. Once a committed relationship is defined by a couple, sex is no longer casual and is a wonderful addition. 
I know a lot of people feel that casual sex takes a toll from your spirit. You think that you are being fulfilled, but it empties your soul in the long run leaving you used up. 
If someone told that they were not into casual sex when we started to date, I would have no problem with it. It would allow both of us to decide if we wanted to go forward with getting to know each other. I would have to evaluate my interest in someone who said that we would remain abstinent until marriage before we started to date. While I do not base my love or commitment on sex, I do know that I want a partner that I am compatible with sexually. And of course (messed up/complicated being that I am) I would throw all my judgments out the window for someone that knocked my socks off!

Lastly, my sincere condolences on the loss of your partner. I hope you find love again.


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## likeitmatters (Feb 16, 2008)

I just turned 50 and I see life differently. I would rather wait till I am in a meaningful relationship or when my heart said it is ok. and thank you for the kind words about my late partner. We had a whirlwind romance we met august 17th at 6 30 pm 1997 and after 5 minutes I knew I loved him and he moved in a week later and was with for 5.5 years and could not get enough of him...and never cheated on him.. And yes I know that will never happen but I made a promise to him and myself not to engage in casual flings till my hearts knows. Will it ever know I dont know because it is not important at this time.

I just wish more would be into old fashion romance where it starts with just a kiss or is that something that is too old fashion in the straight world??


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## Danyull (Feb 16, 2008)

A happy birthday to you. 

I must say I'm not experienced enough to relate to your situation, I appolgise for that. 

But sex before marrage, I believe being the age I am, that sex and marrage don't have much relation anymore. But I do understand, I've been raised by parents whom have taught me that finding the right person can mean alot towards anyones future.

Not sure if the whole idea behind meaningful and meaningless sex actually has much of an affect on sex overall, as I've said I'm only 18 and not experienced enough to understand.

Again happy birthday, sorry my input probably has little to do with the topic.


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## likeitmatters (Feb 16, 2008)

I hope you are able to control your sexual urges at your age. I remember when I was your age I was out of control but we did not have the problems you young adult have...just be careful. and thank you


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## SnapDragon (Feb 16, 2008)

I have never have casual sex and I don't believe sex is that important -- there are other ways to be intimate. So if I was involved with someone and they didn't want to have sex for whatever reason, I wouldn't mind. In the end, sex is just, well, sticking something up something else. It would be a different matter if by 'no sex' they meant no affection, or only platonic affection. As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a null issue as I don't believe in marriage and have never seen a reason to do it. If I really liked someone and they had an irrational desire to do it, I suppose I would oblige them, but as far as I'm concerned, marriage exposes people to legal risk and for tax purposes most people are better off cohabiting.

Forgive me if I'm being naive, but I understood there was a significant proportion of gay men who prefer not to have penetrative sex, and I've known a few gay men who disliked the climate for one-night-stands and casual relationships found in gay bars, and were looking for long-term relationships. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, a partner suited to you will respect your decision to postpone sex or intimate activities.

-SnapDragon.


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## stefanie (Feb 16, 2008)

Hi, *likeitmatters* - Happy birthday! 

I too want to extend condolences for the loss of your partner. It can take a long time for emotions to sort themselves out after something difficult like that, and the time needed differs with each person.

All I can speak from is my perspective as a long-married straight woman (I'm about your age.) I had my share of relationships before settling down. Were I to find myself single again, I think (when I was ready - and that could take a long time!) I would want to do exactly what you are doing - holding back until you are sure that it would turn into a committed relationship.

It's not that I'm a prude. It's that I would have known what it's like to have that complete intimacy with someone, and I wouldn't want anything less. 

This doesn't mean I "judge" people who are more casual. If it works for them, great. As I see it, though, one of the benefits of getting on in years is that a person (sometimes painfully!) learns a lot about him or herself as he or she passes through life. If you know yourself well enough to know what you want, and that's a committed relationship, then by all means, hold out for it.

_I just wish more would be into old fashion romance where it starts with just a kiss or is that something that is too old fashion in the straight world??_

It's not too old-fashioned for me, in my little corner of the straight world. I hope that if you are looking for romance and commitment, that you find it. The best of luck to you.


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## likeitmatters (Feb 17, 2008)

and thank you for the best wishes on my birthday. And you are right I am holding out for mr right again. I know he wont be like the first time and I know that. I dont judge what I had before with what I will have now.

I guess I am one of the few truly gay men who are not afraid to walk away from a man and I dont care if he is a thing of beauty...I will chat with anyone just like I chat with anyone here. The men here have nothing to fear from me when we chat. While you maybe stunning attractive and have a belly of death so to speak, does not mean I am that interested in rolling in the hay because I do have values that permit me from engaging in foolishness.


I do have a question for the straight males of the world. Why is it that some of you think you are that desirable to both sexes? They get uptight and start to be rude towards someone like me that expresses interest in chatting with you? Not all gay men want to roll your bones and most of the time you are not all that either..and you need to accept that fact. You are not Fabio or Donald Trump so you need to get over it.

Now off my soapbox and thank you thank you for all the responses. :bow:


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## TheMildlyStrangeone (Feb 17, 2008)

To address your question, to most men, if a guy starts chatting them up in front their friends, then it is though you are questioning their manhood and such. Personally, I am extrememly comfortable in my sexuality and am not attracted to men. However, although I don't like to admit it because most think it is homosexual, I have kiss my guy friends in the past. To me and them it was jokingly and nothing more ever came of it. If most hear that they think that I'm bi-sexual because I have done that.

In regards to casual sex, and perhaps it is due to my age that my libido is such, I don't see a problem with it at all. Again, it may be related to a generational mindset where relationships are put off rather than dedicating time to them. Personally, I can't get enough sex, and am in a relationship. I have never cheated but always want more sex. So I guess I'm a bad person?:doh:


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## vardon_grip (Feb 17, 2008)

likeitmatters said:


> I do have a question for the straight males of the world. Why is it that some of you think you are that desirable to both sexes? They get uptight and start to be rude towards someone like me that expresses interest in chatting with you? Not all gay men want to roll your bones and most of the time you are not all that either..and you need to accept that fact. You are not Fabio or Donald Trump so you need to get over it.
> 
> Now off my soapbox and thank you thank you for all the responses. :bow:



I think that straight men who become rude and uptight when a gay man talks to them are covering up their fear. We fear what we don't understand in others and ourselves. Do gay men worry about what their friends are gonna think if they talk to a breeder? Can a Catholic priest shake hands with a rabbi without worry? Why can't straight men relax around homosexuals? Fear. Both the priest and the rabbi are secure in their own faith that they could probably spend the whole day talking about religion and neither would convert. If being shot down in flames by a woman doesn't make me question my manhood/masculinity, why does a gay man talking to me make me so uptight? I have chatted with Arabic princes, Fortune 500 CEO's, housewives, sports stars, rock stars, transients, and supermodels. I can have a conversation with any of them because I am not trying to have sex with them and I don't care if they want to have sex with me. 

A friend of mine once said to me, "I wish you were gay because you are so my type!" I replied, "Thank you for that compliment, and let me say...if you had tits and a vagina, you'd be my type too!" We had a huge laugh and continued to talk over cigarettes and coffee.

Finally...I have MUCH better hair than Fabio and the Donald put together. Although, Fabio's waistline and the Donald's bottom line have me beat.


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## likeitmatters (Feb 18, 2008)

but give me a very tall big monster bellied man over average one anyday.

I have a criteria of at least 15-25 inches over the beltline for me to be even interested in them


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## cammy (Feb 19, 2008)

Casual sex fine if both people have the same agenda - which is rare when it comes to women. We tend to get caught up immediately in the sex = love equation, and if the guy says anything even remotely emotionally encouraging, we take it as proof that he's interested in more than just a casual hook-up. 

Its best to have a strick criteria for Mr. Right and when he [potentially] shows up, wait for sex to insure the establishment of an emotional commitment first. Its less complicated and emotionally easier.

Wait until marriage, however? No way.


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## rabbitislove (Feb 19, 2008)

Haha. I actually turned down one of my guy friends (whose been dating my roommate for going on three years) because he was saving it for marriage. However, that was when I was younger and had a one track mind with guys and sex, and learned real fast that meaningless sex and fooling around will leave you unfulfilled. I actually almost dated someone who was abstinent until marriage, however although I enjoyed his company, our personalities clashed too much. 

I echo everyone elses sentiments, I'd say make them wait for a committed relationship. You weed out those who are just after you for sex, and find the ones who are willing to stick around for you and aren't just using cheap lines to get into your pants. 

I'm sorry about your partner, and I hope you find a man who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.


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## SnapDragon (Feb 19, 2008)

I think a lot of the aversion, for a heterosexual person, of being approached by a gay person of the same sex is in not wanting to mislead the gay person, rather than being repulsed by the person being gay. I would hope I treat gay women and straight men who are not my type in the same way -- that is, I am happy to talk to them and be friends if we turn out to have things in common, but I often worry if someone just comes up to me from nowhere that they're hoping for something more than that, in which case I really don't want to 'lead them on.' Whereas it's insulting to say "I'm straight," or "I only like fat men," since they might just want to be friends anyway, I try to think carefully about what I say before I say it, in case it could be misinterpreted. It's much easier if you work with the person or know them, since they're likely to have some knowledge of your sexuality. You can assume if someone who knows your sexuality makes a compliment about your appearance, that it's done in good humour and doesn't carry any ulterior motive.



TheMildlyStrangeone said:


> I have never cheated but always want more sex. So I guess I'm a bad person?:doh:



No you're not. You have an instinct which is natural and normal. Your sex drive is caused by how your body reacts to the hormones you produce. How you behave in response to them is what does or doesn't make you a bad person.

If a man goes out and rapes someone and blames it on his sex drive, this is unacceptable because he is a person with free will and moral obligations. Someone who has trouble being faithful to one partner may find they quickly lose the partner, and this might make it difficult for such a person to establish any sort of long-term relationship. (but again, it's a matter of choice, and some people don't want long-term relationships anyway.) Many people find it offputting if they discover their partner has had significantly more or fewer partners than them. Similarly, someone who asexual and has no desire for sexual contact can't describe themselves as celibate or claim any moral high ground, as this implies choice. I used to know someone who was a Christian and was asexual, and he thought that because he was disinterested in sex, this made him comply with the teachings of this religion better. I thought this was rubbish, because the idea of celibacy is abstaining from things that are tempting, not things you don't like anyway. That rule can only apply to people who are subject to those temptations, the same as robots that are programmed never to harm people cannot correctly be described as moral.

Sorry, I wandered off topic a bit.

-SnapDragon.


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## Love.Metal (Feb 19, 2008)

First off: it there such thing as TMI for this thread...? Because the last thing I want is for anything I respond with to mentally scar someone for life. 

Assuming that we are all of strong fiber and convictions, here we go:
If I met someone who I really did care about, for mind, soul, and spirit...I would try my best to wait for marriage. However, I do know myself and how I work, and I can say that it would be difficult. I like to think I could do it, though.

As you all might know, I am now single after 5 years of a commited relationship, and I am not, NOT ashamed to admit that I have had some casual sex since then. Not to get over him, and not to try to get another relationship going...but just because I had never had the oportunity to give in to my desires in that way before. And it was such a freeing experiance, although I am most definetly not going to make a habit out of this, because there is a part of my self-respect that curled up and died.

Back on topic, I think that if the right soul came along, I would be willing to try waiting for marriage if that's what they wanted. Because despite what the media likes to tell us, sex really isn't everything a relationship thrives on. Although it's nice. 

*shrugs* I don't know if that was helpful.
I hope you eeked something helpful out of that!
And HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!


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## bnlfan (Feb 22, 2008)

likeitmatters said:


> As you know I am a gay man and as a gay man I think the world views us as sex crazed men but I am lucky to say that I am not. Since my partner died over 3 years ago I have not engaged another man in that department because I made a promise to my late partner and to myself that I would wait till mr right came along. Well I have had lots of men who sweet talk me and now that I am 50(today actually) I can see through their bullshit and sweet talk with ease.
> Just yesterday a man who I met was very interested in me and we talked about getting together and I told him I love to but...no casual sex sorry. he said we can be friends and I said great Platontic friends...his whole tone changed. And I said I want more out of life than wham bam thank you sir....
> 
> My question for everybody here is that..if you met a man or a woman would you still date them if they told ya that sorry no sex before marriage? and you really liked them and they were adamate about no sex?
> ...



Likeitmatters,

The answer to that question is yes.

My wife died on January 23, 2008 and I have been thinking of what I will do next. I do want to get married again and I waited until I met my deceased wife before having sexual intercourse. It was with her that I learned what it took to please a woman. Or, at least her. So, yes I would and will date a woman wether she wants sex before marriage or not. The fact is, if the person is worth forming a relationship with they are worth waiting for. And man, that first night AKA honeymoon. WOW! I still remember it.  13 years later.


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## sprsizeme (Feb 22, 2008)

is there really anything casual about sex with a fat man?

I mean really that is a lot of work on both parts





likeitmatters said:


> As you know I am a gay man and as a gay man I think the world views us as sex crazed men but I am lucky to say that I am not. Since my partner died over 3 years ago I have not engaged another man in that department because I made a promise to my late partner and to myself that I would wait till mr right came along. Well I have had lots of men who sweet talk me and now that I am 50(today actually) I can see through their bullshit and sweet talk with ease.
> Just yesterday a man who I met was very interested in me and we talked about getting together and I told him I love to but...no casual sex sorry. he said we can be friends and I said great Platontic friends...his whole tone changed. And I said I want more out of life than wham bam thank you sir....
> 
> My question for everybody here is that..if you met a man or a woman would you still date them if they told ya that sorry no sex before marriage? and you really liked them and they were adamate about no sex?
> ...


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## Laina (Feb 23, 2008)

likeitmatters said:


> My question for everybody here is that..if you met a man or a woman would you still date them if they told ya that sorry no sex before marriage? and you really liked them and they were adamate about no sex?



I know I'm late to the party (again), but this question required some serious thought.

And I've decided no. If I met someone who was adamantly opposed to premarital sex...I'd have to end it.

Not because I need sex desperately, and not because sex itself is a deal-breaker, but because our values would just be too inherently different. I don't see sex as something that has to be bound up in a legal contract in order to not be "casual". Frankly put, I wouldn't be comfortable--and I'd constantly worry about what other values we had that simply didn't line up that could become exceptionally important further into our relationship.


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## likeitmatters (Feb 23, 2008)

bnlfan said:


> Likeitmatters,
> 
> The answer to that question is yes.
> 
> My wife died on January 23, 2008 and I have been thinking of what I will do next. I do want to get married again and I waited until I met my deceased wife before having sexual intercourse. It was with her that I learned what it took to please a woman. Or, at least her. So, yes I would and will date a woman wether she wants sex before marriage or not. The fact is, if the person is worth forming a relationship with they are worth waiting for. And man, that first night AKA honeymoon. WOW! I still remember it.  13 years later.




I will tell everyone why I have aversion to casual sex. it goes back 30 years in those days we did not have aids or hiv but we had other stuff that is lame compared to what they have now. when I was 20, I was having 7-9 men a day and some hot man came up to me and said you are nothing more than a slut and for a while I did not think about it. and one day it hit me that I am a slut and I did not have self respect for myself. So I decided to start weening myself off casual sex and eventually had sex once a year or not at all.

Something else that is bothering me are bi sexual men who feel they are not cheating on their wives. Well, I hate to break it to them but you are and your wife deserves better. Do you think it is fair for her to think you are being faithful to her? just because you are fucking around with another women does not make it right. Let your wife go or quit being with both sexes, because all you are doing is using both of them for a variety of reasons and mostly wrong.

I have met three men who are interested in me and for me. We are getting to know each other through the internet and I am loving it. I dont have to put out or hit the sheets...

I am a fighter to bring romance back...and make it sexy again...and thank you to all who have expressed condolences on my loss and my baby carl would have loved and btw, he was wearing a 6x shirt and 46 pants and maybe I will show you what my "immortal beloved" looked like some day....he brought sexy back lol


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## bnlfan (Feb 23, 2008)

sprsizeme said:


> is there really anything casual about sex with a fat man?
> 
> I mean really that is a lot of work on both parts



I'm a big fella and my wife was a bbw. All I can say is that if it is a lot of work then something is being done wrong.


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## cammy (Feb 24, 2008)

likeitmatters said:


> I will tell everyone why I have aversion to casual sex. it goes back 30 years in those days we did not have aids or hiv but we had other stuff that is lame compared to what they have now. when I was 20, I was having 7-9 men a day and some hot man came up to me and said you are nothing more than a slut and for a while I did not think about it. and one day it hit me that I am a slut and I did not have self respect for myself. So I decided to start weening myself off casual sex and eventually had sex once a year or not at all.



From 7-9 casual sexual encounters a day to sex once a year or not at all - are extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum. I believe healthy and appropriate adult sexually is somewhere inbetween.


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## stefanie (Feb 25, 2008)

bnlfan said:


> I'm a big fella and my wife was a bbw. All I can say is that if it is a lot of work then something is being done wrong.



LOL, you get rep for that. 

It's not work at all; it's pure enjoyment! 

*likeitmatters*, I understand what you mean. Sometimes it's necessary to just remove yourself from a situation for awhile, if it isn't making you happy, or is messing with your head. And I agree totally about cheating; it doesn't matter what combination of the genders it is.


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## likeitmatters (Feb 26, 2008)

I was young and stupid...and now in reflection of my life back then I would have done what I am doing now. To me sex or the act of love making should be special and not just lets have fun and blow our minds.

I still keep guys wanting to have me in the bed but not as many as then, thank god and I tell sorry not into casual sex and it drives them nuts. Been there done that in my life.

I see why too many young adults having children at a tender age when they should be having fun. And I wonder if the govt said to everyone who is not married and under 21 that we will not assist you with food stamps or wic or anything if you choose to engage in sex before you are 21? I wonder how they would feel about that? 

I just wish things were different today....


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## LalaCity (Feb 26, 2008)

likeitmatters said:


> I just turned 50 and I see life differently. I would rather wait till I am in a meaningful relationship or when my heart said it is ok. and thank you for the kind words about my late partner. We had a whirlwind romance we met august 17th at 6 30 pm 1997 and after 5 minutes I knew I loved him and he moved in a week later and was with for 5.5 years and could not get enough of him...and never cheated on him.. And yes I know that will never happen but I made a promise to him and myself not to engage in casual flings till my hearts knows. Will it ever know I dont know because it is not important at this time.
> 
> I just wish more would be into old fashion romance where it starts with just a kiss or is that something that is too old fashion in the straight world??



I totally support your decision to wait until the right relationship comes along -- I felt that way myself for a very long time, though recently I had a change of heart. I met a man with whom I felt a long-term relationship really wasn't probable (and he felt that way about me), but we ended up going the whole "friends with benefits" route (something I'd never done before). I have to say, it was a really nice, warm experience and my self-esteem increased so much regarding my sense of my own physical attractiveness...

Not trying to encourage you to do that, per se, but if you _did_ have such an experience, you wouldn't be betraying your late partner, in my opinion.


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## Allie Cat (Feb 26, 2008)

likeitmatters said:


> I wonder if the govt said to everyone who is not married and under 21 that we will not assist you with food stamps or wic or anything if you choose to engage in sex before you are 21? I wonder how they would feel about that?



I'd have felt discriminated against, and would've had to drop out of school probably (hurrah for government grants and financial aid). There's already too much of a negative attitude toward people who choose not to wait, and this would do nothing but harm. -.-

And on topic with the original discussion, yay for casual sex!


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## LillyBBBW (Feb 27, 2008)

sugah kayne said:


> I'm in a similar position to yourself, meaning, I'm also no longer having casual sex, plenty of men want to have sex with me, but none want to date me, so I've been celibate for just shy of a year now.
> 
> I think, imo, no sex before marriage is a bit extreme, but certainly no sex unless your in a committed relationship is fine.
> *If the guy dosn't think your worth having a relationship with, or isnt ready to settle down in a relationship then he wasn't worth having sex with in the first place.*
> ...



:bounce: OMG! :bounce: OMG! :bounce: EVERYTHING she said! That's me in a nutshell. I'm slapping the CRAP out of you with Rep! LOVE this post.


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## Laina (Feb 27, 2008)

Divals said:


> I'd have felt discriminated against, and would've had to drop out of school probably (hurrah for government grants and financial aid). There's already too much of a negative attitude toward people who choose not to wait, and this would do nothing but harm. -.-
> 
> And on topic with the original discussion, yay for casual sex!



Well said. And where on earth did we make the logic-jump from "having sex before marriage" to "popping out babies we aren't ready for"?

Last I checked I still had a right to choice, access to birth control and enough brain power to manage both...and choose partners who understood my firm stance on no-babies.


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## boompoet (Feb 27, 2008)

I'll answer the actual question posed first as I have the tendency to ramble.

*Like it matters*, while I applaud your determination and desire to full fill a promise, I think your nobility might be wasted. If it were me, I'd waste the hell out of it and never even look for another partner regardless of whatever promise I made but, then again, I have some skewed perspectives on things. If I really cared about the woman I wanted to date and she said no sex, I have to believe I could deal with that. If after a long while it never happened naturally, I would like to think I'd either continue to wait if the feelings were there or I'd end it politely. Either way I'd have to follow my heart which I guess is the answer to your question. I would try and see where it went if I actually cared. This guy who gave you the look when you said platonic is not worth your time in my opinion.

To *Love.Metal*, it is admirable that you would attempt waiting and I've heard it said over and over, if they're worth having, they're worth waiting for. Well, I say that's bunk. I love pie... keylime is my favorite, and if it's worth having, it's worth waiting for right? NO! I have waited for an entire evening to have a slice of key lime pie. It was like Harold and Kumar go to White Castle or something. My friends and I got continually side tracked all evening and when I finally got my pie, it was horrible. It was almost rancid. I still ate it because, damn it, I wanted pie! Where am I going with this? Well, If you wait for it and finally get it, it might not be very good but it'll be to late to do anything about it.

To *Laina*, all I can say is... <insert pick up line here>. Kidding. Seriously, you have a very valid and acceptable point of view. Sex, while not a deal breaker, can indeed be a thermometer measuring values. I would like to say that I am very picky, once going 5 years between women (meaning having sex, I dated in that time). I try not to have sex with the woman unless I think there might be a future or at the very least there are real feelings there, not just animal lust. I think that's where a lot of people have an issue and consider all premarital sex as recreational or casual. I would love to be able to have recreational and / or casual sex but it's not in my nature.
As for the logic jump from sex to babies... that how they're made. he he he. Seriously, sex is like learning to ride a bike down here. You do it early, practice often, and master it at a young age. The problem is, that leads to teen mothers with three kids and three deadbeat fathers.


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## DdeelishUK (Feb 28, 2008)

I have just been thinking about casual sex recently so this thread was a well-timed boost for my musings LOL

I have never felt I wanted to 'do' casual sex - I have always tried NOT to have sex on the first date - tho shamefacedly have slipped on the odd occassion years ago - MAINLY through peer pressure

Now older and wiser LOL - I now clearly state to any potential BF that I do not sleep on the first date and like to move things at my own pace till I feel its right to become completely physical - having said that I am happy to practice a little light foreplay beforehand 

BUT often find that the guy will make all the right noises and say all the right words such as great - I am happy to go with that - I am not into casual sex either - then the majority drift away before we even get to first date status because really it DID bother them and they DID expect to have sex with you 

The rest for the most part get to first date - then when they realise I actually MEANT it LOL they don't appear for a second 

I am trying NOT to pigeon-hole you fellas and I understand that things are very physical for guys whereas gals are emotional bound - and I know there are exceptions - you are just hard to find

I have a current situation where a guy is in communication with me via email and text - I find him attractive from photos and he makes me smile - BUT he talks about sex or makes sexy comments all the time and now I am thinking...hmmm - is this a casual sex guy or does he really WANT to know me? i have made it clear I will not sleep with him on our first meet and he has said he is happy with that ....

If you guys would only talk about more than the size of my puppies or what am i weaaring or they love my sexy arse - then maybe we might get further LOL - or maybe I am just plain suspicious in my old age LMAO


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## LillyBBBW (Mar 2, 2008)

DdeelishUK said:


> I have just been thinking about casual sex recently so this thread was a well-timed boost for my musings LOL
> 
> I have never felt I wanted to 'do' casual sex - I have always tried NOT to have sex on the first date - tho shamefacedly have slipped on the odd occassion years ago - MAINLY through peer pressure
> 
> ...



That counts as a positive to me. I love sex, just as much if not more than he does most of the time. The thing is I want something in common with a guy beyond the sexual. If sex is the glue that keeps a guy coming (heehee, pun ) then he's not what I'm looking for. I prefer a guy who likes being with me because I'm an awesome person who makes him laugh, keeps him intellectually stimulated, makes him feel good, yada yada. If he doesn't want to hang with me on a social basis unless we're going to hit it it's a waste of my time frankly and I *want* him to stop calling. It frees up the space for more worthwhile endeavors.


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## Nerdzilla (Mar 2, 2008)

So, to weigh (*fnarr*) in on this topic... I had casual sex once. My gods it was awful - the lack of emotional attachment to the event made it very awkward.

It felt like I had a nice meal, a little sex, shook her hand, thanked her for a nice evening and then left.

I have never gone back to casual. Of course, this means I don't/rarely get any but when I do I have to say it is that much more worth it when I am emotionally invested.


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## DdeelishUK (Mar 2, 2008)

Nerdzilla said:


> So, to weigh (*fnarr*) in on this topic... I had casual sex once. My gods it was awful - the lack of emotional attachment to the event made it very awkward.
> 
> It felt like I had a nice meal, a little sex, shook her hand, thanked her for a nice evening and then left.
> 
> I have never gone back to casual. Of course, this means I don't/rarely get any but when I do I have to say it is that much more worth it when I am emotionally invested.


Hear Hear Nerdzilla!

Casual sex - for me - is also very lacking in emotiona dn feeling


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## aduronia (Mar 2, 2008)

i'm so not sure how i feel about casual sex...and it happens to be a rather relevant topic in my life.

i was in a relationship for four and a half years...i just got out. and i'm 22. since then, i had sex with my (male) best friend, so while it wasn't casual by any means, it also wasn't "i'm in love with you". it's definitely added a new and interesting dimension to our friendship - and nothing's gone wrong. yet. thank god. anyway - i have to care about someone a lot to have sex with them - but then again, i always told myself i wouldn't have sex unless i was in love, and look where i ended up. 

it's weird because i feel like i'm in the sweeping minority of people my age, and i live in nyc (queens, but if i'm going out, its in the city), so i don't even know what the expectations are. am i not going to be able to date because i won't do the casual sex thing? if i meet someone at a bar or a club, and i dance and make out, is it then expected that i'm going home with them? it's rather mind boggling to think it would be - but - i just don't know how it works. 

sometimes i wish i was the kind of person who can do casual sex, because i think it would come with a certain sense of power and...accomplishment, i suppose, but sex is just too personal for me to be able to feel comfortable doing it with people i'm not deeply linked to, in some fashion.


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## CleverBomb (Mar 2, 2008)

The notion of the one-night stand never really appealed to me.
After going to all the effort to get to know a lady well enough to feel comfortable sharing a bed with her (etc, etc,  ) it seems to me to be quite a wasted effort not to continue the relationship.
And I personally don't want to get sexually involved with someone who I wouldn't be comfortable being in an extended relationship with.

-Rusty


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## topher38 (Mar 4, 2008)

CleverBomb said:


> The notion of the one-night stand never really appealed to me.
> After going to all the effort to get to know a lady well enough to feel comfortable sharing a bed with her (etc, etc,  ) it seems to me to be quite a wasted effort not to continue the relationship.
> And I personally don't want to get sexually involved with someone who I wouldn't be comfortable being in an extended relationship with.
> 
> -Rusty


Have to agree with Rusty


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## Goreki (Mar 4, 2008)

aduronia said:


> i'm so not sure how i feel about casual sex...and it happens to be a rather relevant topic in my life.
> 
> i was in a relationship for four and a half years...i just got out. and i'm 22. since then, i had sex with my (male) best friend, so while it wasn't casual by any means, it also wasn't "i'm in love with you". it's definitely added a new and interesting dimension to our friendship - and nothing's gone wrong. yet. thank god. anyway - i have to care about someone a lot to have sex with them - but then again, i always told myself i wouldn't have sex unless i was in love, and look where i ended up.
> 
> ...



aduronia, the answer to how it works is; however you want it to work! Why should you be socially pressured to go home with a person if you're just dancing with them and having fun? And if in dating people, you don't want to have sex until you've found the right person, then do that! Don't woory about how people think things should happen, do them your way 

Personally, I don't really like the idea of one night stands either. From a purely self preserving viewpoint; how do I know that the person I might have met hours before is actually someone whose house I want to wake up in? Creepy! And the lack of any information on past sexual history? Forget it.

That said, I'm happy, in the right circumstances, to have casual sex. I think sex can be better between two people in a loving relationship, but it can also be pretty good outside of one. I've had certain understandings with people in the past, and I'd be more than happy to do it again.

And if I met someone who I fell head over heels for who wanted to wait x amount of time (except till marriage) before we slept together, then I would wait until they were comfortable.


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## Canonista (Mar 4, 2008)

This is why, at 38, my life sucks.

Almost all the sex I've had has been "relationship sex", and now that I don't have time for a relationship but still want the sex, people in my age bracket are generally too old to just have physical closeness for it's own sake. Dammit, I'm still lonely even if I can't stay forever.


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## Melian (Mar 4, 2008)

Canonista said:


> This is why, at 38, my life sucks.
> 
> Almost all the sex I've had has been "relationship sex", and now that I don't have time for a relationship but still want the sex, people in my age bracket are generally too old to just have physical closeness for it's own sake. Dammit, I'm still lonely even if I can't stay forever.



Clearly, you need to date younger women.


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## LoveBHMS (Mar 4, 2008)

Canonista said:


> This is why, at 38, my life sucks.
> 
> Almost all the sex I've had has been "relationship sex", and now that I don't have time for a relationship but still want the sex, people in my age bracket are generally too old to just have physical closeness for it's own sake. Dammit, I'm still lonely even if I can't stay forever.



Or cougars.

Or escorts.


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## topher38 (Mar 4, 2008)

Melian said:


> Clearly, you need to date younger women.



ahhhhh doesn't everyone


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## Allie Cat (Mar 4, 2008)

I'm starting to think that my idea of what constitutes 'casual sex' may be a bit different than everyone else's...


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## TraciJo67 (Mar 4, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> Or cougars.
> 
> Or escorts.



I love you


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## Laina (Mar 4, 2008)

Divals said:


> I'm starting to think that my idea of what constitutes 'casual sex' may be a bit different than everyone else's...



Seconded. I maintain that there is a difference between being "casual" and being "reckless". 

I view casual sex kind of the way I view casual days at work--you may be able to relax the rules a little, but you still have to put some thought into it.


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## Santaclear (Mar 4, 2008)

I've never understood the concept of casual sex. To me it's just not casual, even though I understand it intellectually. To the O.P., no, I would not date if they told me no sex before marriage.


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## Allie Cat (Mar 5, 2008)

Laina said:


> Seconded. I maintain that there is a difference between being "casual" and being "reckless".
> 
> I view casual sex kind of the way I view casual days at work--you may be able to relax the rules a little, but you still have to put some thought into it.



Heh, I like that way of looking at it.

To me, casual sex is sex that I have with my friends. Our relationship isn't changed by it, we're not looking for anything deeper than just two friends having fun together (and isn't that what friendship is supposed to be about?)

yayy


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## Canonista (Mar 7, 2008)

Casual sex to me is physical intimacy without any intention to commit.

You just enjoy the company of your partner while they're there.


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## Fascinita (Mar 8, 2008)

Canonista said:


> You just enjoy the company of your partner while they're there.



That's also what you do when you're in a committed relationship, right? Cuz people get run over by trucks and everything.


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## LoveBHMS (Mar 8, 2008)

Canonista said:


> Casual sex to me is physical intimacy without any intention to commit.
> 
> You just enjoy the company of your partner while they're there.



I am not sure what your age has to do with your inability to find a woman who wants to allow you access to her body without a commitment.

Just off the top of my head:

1. young women who are focused on school or building a career.

2. young/middle aged women who married young and divorced young who are not currently interested in finding another husband.

3. Older women who are divorced/widowed/spinsters who are willing to engage in this behaviour because their chances of finding a romantic relationship are very small whether or not they want one. IOW, women willing to compromise.

4. While I'm not going to make a moral judgement on this, there are women of all ages who are in committed partnerships who are unfulfilled sexually and willing to seek fulfillment outside of their current relationship.

5. Single mothers of all ages whose primary committment is to their child or children who merely want the physical satisfaction of sexual contact but do not want to date.

6. I was not being facetious when I suggested an escort. If engaging in sexual contact without the fuss of a committment is something you need, why not simply pay for it?


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## Canonista (Mar 8, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> That's also what you do when you're in a committed relationship, right? Cuz people get run over by trucks and everything.




Well hopefully they won't get run over by a truck until AFTER....:doh:


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## Canonista (Mar 8, 2008)

LoveBHMS said:


> I am not sure what your age has to do with your inability to find a woman who wants to allow you access to her body without a commitment.
> 
> Just off the top of my head:
> 
> ...



Married/taken women = off limits.

I don't want a "solicitation of prostitution" arrest to have to explain to my son. Also, I want intimacy, which to me is more than thrusting into a warm body. Hookers aren't exactly known for quality snuggle time.


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## Smite (Mar 8, 2008)

Automatically assuming you're going to be arrested for a GFE or Escort is silly. I don't think they even arrest for GFE.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Mar 8, 2008)

Smite said:


> Automatically assuming you're going to be arrested for a GFE or Escort is silly. I don't think they even arrest for GFE.



GFE? Ok, I'll bite, what's a GFE?


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## Smite (Mar 8, 2008)

Girlfriend Experience. As in you pay an enormous amount for the girl to go on a date with you, then end with a little somethin' somethin'.


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## Canonista (Mar 8, 2008)

Smite said:


> Girlfriend Experience. As in you pay an enormous amount for the girl to go on a date with you, then end with a little somethin' somethin'.



Right, except about half the escort services around here are undercover setups by law enforcement. It is presumed that the hiring of an escort is for sexual services and you will be led away in handcuffs. You may beat the charges with a lawyer and a boatload of cash, but I'd rather not have to do that in the first place.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Mar 8, 2008)

Ahhh ok.  Glad I know now.


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## Scott (Mar 9, 2008)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> Ahhh ok.  Glad I know now.



Elizabeth, if it makes you feel any better, I'd never heard the term "GFE" either.


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Mar 9, 2008)

Scott said:


> Elizabeth, if it makes you feel any better, I'd never heard the term "GFE" either.



Good, I was not alone.

As for casual sex...I dunno. I think at one time in my life I thought it was possible. Now I'm not so sure. I think I always end up wanting more.


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## Baigley (Mar 10, 2008)

I've always been kind of out of funk with most of the people my age (I'm 19), seeing things differently, different ideas, etc. Most couldn't wait to "do it, giggle giggle, hehe ." I've never really had a strong need for sexual contact, and was always more attracted thoughts to romance and a relationship rather than just physical pleasure. Maybe that's due to my "inexperience", but perhaps not. I'm not much of a casual person in any aspect of my life. 

Most my age don't really understand what I explain to them, and they think it means I don't want anything until marriage, which is not true. Especially so when, a week from our first anniversary my high school sweetheart pretty much gave me an ultimatum; sex or breakup. That pretty much immediately killed any thoughts I'd had of having further intimacy with him. (Little TMI, I'm not cruel, I didn't deny him completely) My beliefs, it that's what you want to call them, were further inforced when he came crawling back about a month later, saying he would do anything I asked. Of course, he'd already found someone else to "do the deed" with, and was in fact seeing her during and after he came to me. 

I am all for romance, commitment, and if I ever did happen to meet a guy who felt the same as I did, or wanted to wait all the way until marriage, well, I'd be just fine with that.


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## Laina (Mar 10, 2008)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> I think I always end up wanting more.



Isn't that the nature of all sex?


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## BLUEeyedBanshee (Mar 10, 2008)

Laina said:


> Isn't that the nature of all sex?



This is true. 

*sigh*

It's good to have easy access all the time too ya know?


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## Scott (Mar 10, 2008)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> It's good to have easy access all the time too ya know?



Whenever I've been in a relationship, I've felt that way - that it's nice to not worry about it, that you know whose bed you're sharing. It's very comforting, and enjoyable.

But then when I'm single, I feel like it's an adventure, there are possibilities that you just couldn't have otherwise. So it's really a win-win.

That being said, I think maybe there should be a happy medium between casual sex and being in a relationship. I'm not advocating sleeping around. But I'm okay with sleeping with someone who I'm not in a relationship with.


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## Qit el-Remel (Mar 19, 2008)

Quite frankly, it would weird me out a bit. I can see the "self-imposed temporary vow of chastity" thing...but, as others have stated, it's hardly "casual sex" if you're committed to someone. (Marriage, in my opinion, is irrelevant. And possibly anachronistic.)

-Qit.


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## Brooklyn Red Leg (Mar 20, 2008)

I guess a _Friends with Benefits_ falls outside the definition of 'casual sex'. There is an emotional bond there (even if it would never lead to a more permanant relationship). I also assume a regular GFE with the same escort also falls outside the definition of 'casual sex' (since you're with the same partner multiple times). 

I can definitely sing the praises of cougars. Nice to not have to jump through 10,000 fiery hoops and have to put up with all the emotional baggage many younger women bring to a relationship (or at least did when I was younger....God, if I only knew then what I know now).


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