# Lost



## Butter184 (Jul 12, 2022)

Where do I start? So I am 37m with a wife and son. I knew at a young age I was a FA/feeder but pushed my desires down and continued on living a “normal” life. Got married had a kid and so on. As time went on my desire for what I really want has become almost unbearable. Ie be with a ssbbw feedee who shares not only the same interests sexually but is a match for me on other levels as well. My wife and I fight a lot and have a very poor sexual life. She is aware of my desires but does not care and kind of bushes them off. My sexual attraction is to really big women and I can’t get around it. I have since being seeing a ssbbw feedee secretly behind my wife’s back. I feel awful about it. Like really shitty but I have to know if that is what I really want. As to this point I share a lot with this other woman and have the same sexual desires and goals. She is aware of my situation but bc we mesh so well together she also wants to see how things turn out in the end for us. I am just so lost between being Truly happy and breaking up my marriage. I just don’t know what to do.


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## Joker (Jul 13, 2022)

This has the makings of an Oxygen movie.


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## Donna (Jul 15, 2022)

I originally posted a very judgmental response to this thread, but I have retracted it to say this:

Love and relationships and attraction are complicated. You need to be speaking to a counselor about this, perhaps with your wife there as well, and not asking a forum full of strangers. Whatever you do, don't let your actions hurt your child.


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## Butter184 (Jul 15, 2022)

I totally respect and understand your initial reaction to my post. I would not be so kind. However counseling would not work as I am attracted to what I am attracted to. There is no changing that, my wife is not into any of it. Im not basing my decisions on what people say on the internet. Just trying to make sense of things and see what other people have to say on the matter


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## waldo (Jul 15, 2022)

Butter184 said:


> Where do I start? So I am 37m with a wife and son. I knew at a young age I was a FA/feeder but pushed my desires down and continued on living a “normal” life. Got married had a kid and so on. As time went on my desire for what I really want has become almost unbearable. Ie be with a ssbbw feedee who shares not only the same interests sexually but is a match for me on other levels as well. My wife and I fight a lot and have a very poor sexual life. She is aware of my desires but does not care and kind of bushes them off. My sexual attraction is to really big women and I can’t get around it. I have since being seeing a ssbbw feedee secretly behind my wife’s back. I feel awful about it. Like really shitty but I have to know if that is what I really want. As to this point I share a lot with this other woman and have the same sexual desires and goals. She is aware of my situation but bc we mesh so well together she also wants to see how things turn out in the end for us. I am just so lost between being Truly happy and breaking up my marriage. I just don’t know what to do.



While you have scratched that itch of being with a SSBBW, I suspect you have not experienced all the social aspects of being with her instead of your wife, who it seems from your post is thin to average sized. Is that the case?

Specifically, how are you going to feel about your family, friends and coworkers meeting your new super fat girlfriend? Are you prepared for the derision and scorn that FAs sometimes have to endure about our desires?

I don't know how long this affair has been going on, but when you mention: "She is aware of my situation but bc we mesh so well together she also wants to see how things turn out in the end for us.",
I feel you already know you want to be with her ideally. But do you want to be with her FOR REAL, including all the extra issues that supersized people encounter in this world??

It's time to make a major decision: *keeping this affair going in secret is not an option*. If you decide to stay with the wife, you owe her to tell about the affair and let her decide if she wants to accept that and move on together with you. Otherwise, you leave her and go with the fat woman. A third alternative, while unlikely, is a 'polyamorous' situation where you remain married and have your SSBBW gal on the side. BUT it is only if your wife agrees. My guess is that these type of relationships generally end up in a total fiasco, so I don't recommend. I must admit that my knowledge on the topic is limited, and its acceptance into society is really at the early stages. Fourth possibility is you leave your wife but the relationship with the fat gal doesn't work out. The good news is there are plenty of single fat women out there. The bad news is that many of them are antagonistic towards FAs, but I suspect you know how to manage that issue.

Sincerely,

A male FA who has been married to a mid-sized BBW for 24 years.


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## Butter184 (Jul 15, 2022)

waldo said:


> While you have scratched that itch of being with a SSBBW, I suspect you have not experienced all the social aspects of being with her instead of your wife, who it seems from your post is thin to average sized. Is that the case?
> 
> Specifically, how are you going to feel about your family, friends and coworkers meeting your new super fat girlfriend? Are you prepared for the derision and scorn that FAs sometimes have to endure about our desires?
> 
> ...


No this is not the first sssbbw I have been with, I was with a couple before I was married. I was young n thought pushing my true feelings down n forgetting about them was best. But obviously I was wrong and now im miserable not being with a woman of that size. But it’s not just this woman being a ssbbw that makes me feel the way I do. It’s bc we totally connect on a personal and a sexual level. We both are very into the same kinks which a lot of people would not be into. I am not a closet FA, so no I wouldn’t care what other people would have to say. I do agree with you that a decision has to be made.


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## waldo (Jul 16, 2022)

Butter184 said:


> No this is not the first sssbbw I have been with, I was with a couple before I was married. I was young n thought pushing my true feelings down n forgetting about them was best. But obviously I was wrong and now im miserable not being with a woman of that size. But it’s not just this woman being a ssbbw that makes me feel the way I do. It’s bc we totally connect on a personal and a sexual level. We both are very into the same kinks which a lot of people would not be into. I am not a closet FA, so no I wouldn’t care what other people would have to say. I do agree with you that a decision has to be made.



Thanks for clarifying. I am still wondering though what is the size of your wife? Is she at all fat? It is quite understandable that you, as an FA, would be troubled to be with a thin woman. BUT if she is a small to medium sized BBW, the situation gets a little more nuanced to me. As I posted before, I am in a long-term relationship with a mid-sized BBW. She has been in the 240-300 lb range the entire time we have been together; stretching back 26 years now. Is my 'dream girl' much fatter: yes. Did I 'settle' for a smaller fatty instead of seeking out the super fatty of my fantasies as my wife has accused? NO! The big issue is this: she hit 300 lb in her early 20s and was all on board with my FA/SSBBW thing. I could have easily cajoled her to gain more, but I decided to urge extreme caution, thinking about the practical issues that come with being super fat. My point is this: an FA needs some chub on his gal. If it is not quite as much as he would want in his ideal scenario, that's OK. But if she does not stir a visceral reaction from you, when you see her naked or scantily clothed, you probably should move on. And needless to say, you should not have been with her to begin with, because if you are only 37 years old and your sex life is already a disaster, then it is only downhill from here and misery for all concerned................

One thing that did pop into my mind: say you do leave your wife and go with the SSBBW and you make it known that SSBBW is what you ultimately desire. Are people going to judge you for being superficial, after leaving your wife for someone who better 'turns your crank'? Yeah just like a guy ditching his wife for the trophy wife, but in reverse I guess.


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## Donna (Jul 18, 2022)

Butter184 said:


> No this is not the first sssbbw I have been with, I was with a couple before I was married. I was young n thought pushing my true feelings down n forgetting about them was best. But obviously I was wrong and now im miserable not being with a woman of that size. But it’s not just this woman being a ssbbw that makes me feel the way I do. It’s bc we totally connect on a personal and a sexual level. We both are very into the same kinks which a lot of people would not be into. I am not a closet FA, so no I wouldn’t care what other people would have to say. I do agree with you that a decision has to be made.



As a writer, I’m fascinated by people’s motivations, so I’m extremely curious…if you knew what you liked, had experienced it without (I’m assuming) any issue, why did you think pushing your feelings down and forgetting about them to be with someone whom you are not physically attracted to was for the best?


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## ScreamingChicken (Jul 22, 2022)

If you and your wife are fighting a lot, it sounds like your preferences are not the root cause of your problems. Having been divorced twice, I can tell you that marriages don't collapse because someone's spouse isn't the ideal body type. Poor communication, lack of chemistry from an emotional or intellectual stance, different aspirations and goals...those tend to be the real culprits. If you aren't happy and don't see a path to repairing things, then just get a divorce. Being in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is a huge mistake. It sends a message to them that it is okay to be miserable.


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## Butter184 (Jul 26, 2022)

Donna said:


> As a writer, I’m fascinated by people’s motivations, so I’m extremely curious…if you knew what you liked, had experienced it without (I’m assuming) any issue, why did you think pushing your feelings down and forgetting about them to be with someone whom you are not physically attracted to was for the best?


I was very young and dumb. I wasn’t open about what I was attracted to sexually and felt that if I just pushed it down far enough it would go away. Being older more experienced and now not caring what other people think I realized I made a giant mistake.


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## agouderia (Jul 27, 2022)

Butter 184 - I would like to add on to what ScreamingChicken wrote.

Asking yourself - and finding an honest answer to the question - whether your SSBBW-affair is the cause or just a catalyst with regards to your relationship crisis should help you in finding a way to proceed for yourself.
If she is the cause, then waiting for a while and seeing if the attraction mutually holds, stands real life tests would make sense imo.
If the affair is more of a catalyst for underlying longer term issues in your relationship with your wife, then looking into solutions regardless of your affair could be the way to move on.

And I second, children are no happier in long unhappy marriages. (Don't let anybody tell you anything else - that is just a social psychology mindtrap. Of course there is a ton of research showing developmental problems in children from divorced parents. There is only no sound empirical evidence for dysfunctional children from unhappy marriages because the latter is not surveyed as it is not equally measurable.)


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## Butter184 (Jul 27, 2022)

Thank you i will keep this in mind. I feel it might be a little of both. In the beginning of our marriage we fought a lot and it was hard. Now not as much at all but the scares are still there yes. As all this plays into my decision I can’t help get back to the fact of where my attraction lies. I am deeply and solely attracted to really big women…like 400lbs+. It’s almost consuming bc I can’t have what I’m so deeply attracted to.


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