# Talking to your partner about your preference, a thread



## mathfa (Jun 21, 2021)

When I was first beginning my relationship, I was still coming to terms with my preferences, and was worried about how I would talk to my partner about it. I remember scouring the internet in search of ideas, but most everything didn't seem actually applicable to real life. So I wanted to now pay things forward to future young FAs and write a little post here about the things I've found work well.

Two things to keep in mind, firstly this advice is not going to work for every couple. Secondly, I am not into feederism, so my advice won't include that stuff. Someone else, feel free to chime in with your own advice!

1. Avoid the temptation to have THE TALK

I think it has come to all of our minds to just spill the beans all at once in one big "talk". After all, I preach honesty in relationships. However, I believe there are more tactful ways to approach this. You will assuredly run into cultural or personal barriers or prejudices about size acceptance, and asking your partner to cast aside decades of that mentality all at once is unfair. A slower, subtle approach works best. Let them come to the realization that you like their body as it is, don't force the issue.

2. NEVER ask your partner to change their body for you.

You should not directly be ever saying "I want you to gain weight" unprompted. You will only make your partner feel like their current body is not good enough. That said, feel free to show your appreciation for any changes that happen. If your partner gains weight, that's a great opportunity to express how you think they look even better that way. Again, subtlety and honesty combined is the key.

3. Incorporate your feelings into the affection you give.

This is very important. A great way to build positive body image in your partner while also opening up about your preference is to work your preferences into your affections. If you are in bed with your partner, maybe kiss their belly. During the day, randomly give them a hug from behind and caress their middriff as you tell them you love them. Stuff like that. Let your actions do the talking when it comes to FAstuff, your spoken words should just be words of love and admiration.

4. Don't ever lie about their body 

There are two main points here. If they ask if you have a preference for larger bodies, tell the truth. You want that truth out there, and if they are willing to ask, they should be comfortable with either answer. Secondly, don't lie to them about their weight. I know we are all trained to white lie ("no you don't look big at all") but by lying you just reinforce the idea that their weight is a bad thing. Your partner isn't stupid, they know what they look like. Be honest. So for example, if they say dejectedly "I've gotten so fat", don't respond with "no you haven't", instead say something like "and you look more beautiful/handsome than ever".

Anyways, that's all for tonight, I'll add more later. Feel.free to contribute your own advice, I am just one person.

Thank you!


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## luckyfa (Jun 22, 2021)

Thanks for your thoughtfully outlined advice. As a FA in a longterm relationship, I‘ve been guilty of neglecting these pieces of advice more than once.



mathfa said:


> 1. Avoid the temptation to have THE TALK
> 
> I think it has come to all of our minds to just spill the beans all at once in one big "talk". After all, I preach honesty in relationships. However, I believe there are more tactful ways to approach this. You will assuredly run into cultural or personal barriers or prejudices about size acceptance, and asking your partner to cast aside decades of that mentality all at once is unfair. A slower, subtle approach works best. Let them come to the realization that you like their body as it is, don't force the issue.



The subtle approach is key here. I‘d like to act that you have to be aware and mindful of their cognitive dissonance. They know that you like them fat or even fatter and therefore want to please you. At the same time, they know that being fat might be unhealthy or it might be going against their self-image.



mathfa said:


> 2. NEVER ask your partner to change their body for you.
> 
> You should not directly be ever saying "I want you to gain weight" unprompted. You will only make your partner feel like their current body is not good enough. That said, feel free to show your appreciation for any changes that happen. If your partner gains weight, that's a great opportunity to express how you think they look even better that way. Again, subtlety and honesty combined is the key.



I would add that it might be a good idea to especially praise the subtle changes. Of course, the big three (belly, butt & thighs) are obvious, but what about the hidden treasures such as arms and side boobs? I noticed my wife‘s recent weight gain thanks to her bigger arms and significant side boobs.



mathfa said:


> 3. Incorporate your feelings into the affection you give.
> 
> This is very important. A great way to build positive body image in your partner while also opening up about your preference is to work your preferences into your affections. If you are in bed with your partner, maybe kiss their belly. During the day, randomly give them a hug from behind and caress their middriff as you tell them you love them. Stuff like that. Let your actions do the talking when it comes to FAstuff, your spoken words should just be words of love and admiration.



Yeah, action speaks louder than words.



mathfa said:


> 4. Don't ever lie about their body
> 
> There are two main points here. If they ask if you have a preference for larger bodies, tell the truth. You want that truth out there, and if they are willing to ask, they should be comfortable with either answer. Secondly, don't lie to them about their weight. I know we are all trained to white lie ("no you don't look big at all") but by lying you just reinforce the idea that their weight is a bad thing. Your partner isn't stupid, they know what they look like. Be honest. So for example, if they say dejectedly "I've gotten so fat", don't respond with "no you haven't", instead say something like "and you look more beautiful/handsome than ever".



Yes, denying that they‘ve gotten fatter would be stupid because it‘s a two-fold lie. You lie about a fact about her body and about your preference. When she notices that she has gotten fatter, this is an excellent opportunity to let your love and admiration for her shine through.


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## Broseph (Jun 25, 2021)

Really great stuff! I appreciate the thread! Any experience I have at this point has come from mistakes I've made, but maybe I'll think of something worth posting.


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## mathfa (Jun 26, 2021)

Thank you for the kind words!

I should of course be clear that some of this had to be learned over the course of my relationship as well, I have made mistakes at points. Ultimately it's all just about doing the best you can to make your partner as happy as you can, while making sure you are satisfied.


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## extra_m13 (Jul 1, 2021)

smart advice! we usually tend to committ most of those mistakes ,hopefully some youngsters will read it before taking that high way


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## jello4me (Jul 6, 2021)

My wife of 30+ years has been slowing down in recent years and had a surgery where she had to lose some weight. She knows how much I love her extra fat, and how exciting it is for me to see her struggle on stairs, and get winded on walks. My favorite is the doctor weigh in (she gives me a little smile) when the comments start. We know she is going to have to cut back and lose some weight probably to below 300 for health reasons. The fantasy is still important but health more so as the years go by. She will still be roly poly with a belly hang- just less.


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## FFAFarmher (Jul 16, 2021)

Really awesome thread topic. And all this is wonderful advice! Yeah telling someone about a fat "preference" is not a easy thing to navigate, especially when you're not 100% confident with your "preference".

I definitely have messed up on all these but asking him to change.

1) Had a "talk" about it. That definitely went badly for very sensitive subject for an insecure 17 year old still not confident that I was a FFA, other than being with a heavier partner. It was bad enough I haven't really talked about it to him since...

2&3) I never asked him to change his body, but he did gain weight (then "plateaued" and lost some weight, that's when I realized I have more feeder tendencies than I thought.) My hard part I tried showing affection and affirmation towards my favorite softer bits of his body that were all met with an angry or embarrassed or jerked away response.

4) I have lied about.. definitely wasn't helpful because I was lying to both myself and him. Never good to deny the fact he was heavier and deny that I found it extremely attractive that he was.

Now 5 years later I'm now trying to navigate through the aftermath of it now being a sour topic between us


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## Bigdj1977 (Sep 4, 2022)

Yes, honesty is very important in a relationship. That doesn’t mean it has to be blurted out at inappropriate moments or without considering the topic. Unfortunately weight is one of those topics where most people are trained to lie and be lied to. After twenty years my wife and I are comfortable to be honest about our preferences for our own and each other’s fat. But it definitly took us some time in the beginning of our relationship to admit to and find ways to communicate to each other. Honestly, it was more physical in the beginning than verbal. We both liked to pay physical attention to each other’s fatty bits and weight gain tended to increase our sex life. Once we both had gotten hints about each other’s preferences we started to make little positive comments and eventually talked openly when our relationship became more secure and long-term.


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