# Fat Shame: How do you deal?



## LovelyLiz (Jul 25, 2011)

As a fat person, there will be times out in the world where the way the world is constructed will not be hospitable to our bodies. And depending on body size, this can come up just once in a while, or multiple times on a daily basis. And if you choose as a fat person not to let the inhospitable nature of some of the built-environment keep you from going out and interacting in lots of different places on a regular basis, there are going to be times when a piece of furniture breaks, an access point (like a turnstile) is too small, and any number of other scenarios where some creative thinking or different modes of access or engagement have to be found or worked out.

I have worked really really hard over the years not to let my fear of these kinds of situations keep me from going out and trying new things, and have learned from a lot of other fat women about how to approach these things in a way that is direct, unapologetic, and free of shame. But I still sometimes find that when something like this happens, my initial gut internal reaction is to feel like I am freakish and wrong, and to feel shame. I work through it later, and reorient myself to what is true, but it's a process - and it's a process I'd like to take less time, and to figure out new ways of reacting and framing these situations.

So my question is - do you still have those immediate feelings of shame? And if so, how do you deal with them? Are there some situations (or people you are with) that bring it up more than others? Or if you don't feel shame, what do you feel instead when you encounter surprising fat-obstacles, and how do you express that?


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## penguin (Jul 25, 2011)

I try to cover up those feelings with humour. I'm not always successful, but I try to lighten it up a bit.


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 25, 2011)

penguin said:


> I try to cover up those feelings with humour. I'm not always successful, but I try to lighten it up a bit.



Totally. Humor can be a good friend. Does that help you also, internally, you mean? Or it just helps with the more public aspect of dealing with it?


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## penguin (Jul 25, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> Totally. Humor can be a good friend. Does that help you also, internally, you mean? Or it just helps with the more public aspect of dealing with it?



It definitely helps with the public aspect of it, but it takes more thought and struggle to get through the shame and sadness that comes with it. I process a lot of it internally and rarely talk about it with others.


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## bettylulu (Jul 25, 2011)

Hmm...good question. I too will get those shame feelings, but I have been trying to work through them. I think most of the time I try to turn it into a joke or laugh it off. 

The best example I had was one of my coworkers. She was about 315 pounds and lovely. She didn't make apologies or excuse for her size, she just "was", if that makes sense. If she needed a more accommodating seat at a restaurant, or a seat belt extender on an airplane, or to use the handicapped entrance instead of a turn-style, she just asked for it in her same conversational tone and I never saw one person in 14 years react to any of her requests with anything other then professionalism. Maybe she felt shame, but outwardly she acted like it was the most natural thing in the world. So seeing that helped me think, "Hey, if she can do it like it's natural, I can do it and feel okay about it, too." 

Another thing that helps me is realizing that even if people are slim, they are still most likely self-conscious about something to do with their body. It might not be their weight, but it might be their nose or their feet or their hands or a scar, whatever. The vast majority of people, especially women, are usually silently thinking, "Oh, I hope they don't notice my ______."


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## Deacone (Jul 25, 2011)

penguin said:


> I try to cover up those feelings with humour. I'm not always successful, but I try to lighten it up a bit.



I do that too. It's very hard though in this world of intolerence and ridiculously small chairs >_>


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## superodalisque (Jul 25, 2011)

i don't feel shame when i face certain obstacles because of my size. more likely i'll just feel momentarily pissed that's something is in my way. then my mind goes directly to how to solve it. i'm much too interested and down right nosy to stay at home. i like going places, seeing things and being with people. being basically housebound is out of the question for me. so if i have to do something slowly or ask for something special, i do. i just make it all about me and what i want and remember that i'm just that important. but i think as women society is always beating into us that everyone else always has to come before us and we shouldn't be a "bother". but the older i get the more i realize that we aren't a bother and people are pleased that we even trust them to do something good for us most of the time. the older i get and my friends of any size get the more we realize that in order to be happy it really is okay to focus on being able to just enjoy a thing no matter what it takes.

when i was a girl my mom and my sis would try and make me feel ashamed but i just basically thought that they were sick or crazy. they were in their way. not to get religious, but i always felt if there was something in the universe that was powerful enough to cause me to exist then i was/am exactly the way i'm meant to be. God or whatever you want to call him/her/them made nothing to be ashamed of. i had days when i was younger when i was unsure because my sis was able to make me question. its like brain washing. if someone says something enough sometimes you start wondering yourself. but when you start looking critically at their life and see they aren't any ball of "perfection" and you start taking what they say with a huge grain of salt.

for me, my size is a fact of life, like my hair or my skin or my eyes. it's not a judgment on my character, beauty, etc... all it is is another opportunity or tool to express what i am on the inside. that part of the deal is all up to me. i feel that if i dwell on shame i will become shame and that's all people will see coming out of me. that's not who i am. i am not shame. all my body says is that i'm a woman who likes the taste of food and i have access to a lot of it, and that's all. so basically that's how i deal.


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## penguin (Jul 25, 2011)

bettylulu said:


> If she needed a more accommodating seat at a restaurant, or a seat belt extender on an airplane, or to use the handicapped entrance instead of a turn-style, she just asked for it in her same conversational tone and I never saw one person in 14 years react to any of her requests with anything other then professionalism.



I try to approach those situations like that too, just keeping it matter of fact, like it shouldn't be an issue, because it shouldn't. But when things go wrong, that's when I bring out the humour.



> Another thing that helps me is realizing that even if people are slim, they are still most likely self-conscious about something to do with their body. It might not be their weight, but it might be their nose or their feet or their hands or a scar, whatever. The vast majority of people, especially women, are usually silently thinking, "Oh, I hope they don't notice my ______."



My thinner friends have envied my confidence, even though they have stereotypical 'hot' bodies. I often forget that I'm as fat as I am, until I'm brought up short by trying to squeeze past someone or something or I knock something over with my butt or boobs. 



Deacone said:


> I do that too. It's very hard though in this world of intolerence and ridiculously small chairs >_>



I just wish so many chairs wouldn't have arms on them. It's ridiculous how many places have them.


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 25, 2011)

Yeah - I think that not *acting* ashamed in the public situation, even if you feel it, is so key. To just be matter-of-fact and unapologetic, when you're asking for something as simple as access to a place/event you have tickets to, or having a seat that works for you in a public place - it should just be a given, so acting like it should be is a way of keeping things calm and moving toward a solution, that doesn't make it seem like someone has an outrageous or unreasonable demand.

But I think for me, apart from the public reaction, I also need to have time to myself, and also space in some of my close relationships, where I can express the depth of that shame that sometimes comes up and name the lies that can come from that, and work through it. I feel like if someone is going to know me thoroughly, particularly someone who is quite thin (like my boyfriend and several close friends), I need to open that up to them and have them see and get it. That's a part of working through it for me, too. (Tho I am really still curious about how people deal with it when it first arises, too.)


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## ConnieLynn (Jul 25, 2011)

mcbeth - Glad to see you took the step to open this as a thread for discussion.

I don't apologize for my size, and I no longer try things on for size to be the nice, accommodating girl. If it looks like a tight squeeze, it's time for an alternative BEFORE feeling like everyone is watching you cram into a spot where you don't fit. 

If a waitress takes me toward a booth that looks like it might not be a fit, I tell her right then that a table is required, regardless of my companions. If I have to wait a few extra minutes, that's fine. I intend to be comfortable and enjoy myself.

I pick up a seat belt extender when I walk on the plane, although I have only actually needed an extender one time out of many.

Regarding turnstiles, I have always hated them, even when I was much smaller. I'm short and curvy and they just hit me in a bad spot. When I lived in Atlanta I faced them most often when taking the train. I'd just walk down a bit and go through the handicap gate. I also used the elevators instead of the stairs.

Women too often don't want to cause waves, make a scene, or ask for anything special. We forget to act like we are the CUSTOMER. 

Men don't have nearly the problems that we do. They've been acting like the customer and treated as the customer for years. They aren't afraid of appearing unladylike


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## olwen (Jul 25, 2011)

I don't think I feel shame so much as embarrassment and anger about whatever thing that I don't fit into (and the person/institution that made it and supports it) or whatever person is trying to ruin my day. It's hardest for me in doctor's offices. You're vulnerable in that moment (especially at the GYN) and this person who is supposed to help you is being mean to you instead. Sometimes I have the energy to be argue and stand my ground and say something and sometimes I don't. In which case I really don't say anything and just try to ignore it. Sometimes that pisses people off more than anything. Doesn't work in every situation, but you get what I mean hopefully.


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## bettylulu (Jul 25, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> But I think for me, apart from the public reaction, I also need to have time to myself, and also space in some of my close relationships, where I can express the depth of that shame that sometimes comes up and name the lies that can come from that, and work through it. I feel like if someone is going to know me thoroughly, particularly someone who is quite thin (like my boyfriend and several close friends), I need to open that up to them and have them see and get it. That's a part of working through it for me, too. (Tho I am really still curious about how people deal with it when it first arises, too.)



I totally get it. My husband was on the thin side for most of his life and his grandmother (AKA The Devil) used to torment him mercilessly, "Doesn't your mother feed you?" "Are you THINNER then last time I saw you?" "Why are you so thin? Men aren't supposed to be SO SMALL!" Not to mention all the teasing from his classmates. So he can relate to having body issues. It does help to put things in perspective to tell him if something makes me feel bad or anxious. 

I used to have a deep feeling of shame and it's so toxic that it sort of colored everything I did. Then I realized that "Shame" implied that there was something inherently wrong with me, that I was fundamentally damaged or born bad. But when I did some thinking, I saw that I wasn't damaged or broken or wrong. I didn't kill anyone or knock over a liquor store or scam an old lady out of her life savings. I was just fat. I'm also kind and silly and generous and tall and fun and energetic and on and on and on. I decided right then and there that I would NOT feel ashamed of my body. It's hard when you are constantly bombarded with messages of thin, thin, thin. I have my low moments still and that's when I try and laugh it off or vent to my DH. 

I guess my whole very long-winded point is- don't just act not ashamed- BE not ashamed. Hold your head high, look people in the eye and smile. I'm a firm believer that people can pick up on unconscious signals we send out, so radiate out, "Hell yeah, I'm big! Big and AWESOME!" There will always be haters, but chances are pretty good that even if you were a "normal" weight they would find something else to pick you apart for. Those people are miserable and hate all people who radiate confidence, no matter their size.


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## TexasTrouble (Jul 25, 2011)

olwen said:


> I don't think I feel shame so much as embarrassment and anger about whatever thing that I don't fit into (and the person/institution that made it and supports it) or whatever person is trying to ruin my day. It's hardest for me in doctor's offices. You're vulnerable in that moment (especially at the GYN) and this person who is supposed to help you is being mean to you instead. Sometimes I have the energy to be argue and stand my ground and say something and sometimes I don't. In which case I really don't say anything and just try to ignore it. Sometimes that pisses people off more than anything. Doesn't work in every situation, but you get what I mean hopefully.





> But I think for me, apart from the public reaction, I also need to have time to myself, and also space in some of my close relationships, where I can express the depth of that shame that sometimes comes up and name the lies that can come from that, and work through it. I feel like if someone is going to know me thoroughly, particularly someone who is quite thin (like my boyfriend and several close friends), I need to open that up to them and have them see and get it. That's a part of working through it for me, too. (Tho I am really still curious about how people deal with it when it first arises, too.)



I thought these two quotes really related to each other. I try my best to BE confident, although sometimes I'm really ACTING confident, and it can be really tiring sometimes. With all the other stresses of life going on, it can sometimes be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I do my best to throw off the shame, but I understand that it's not always easy and it's always a process.


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## Lamia (Jul 26, 2011)

I deal with this every day at work. My boss is always dieting and my co worker. They're both small women, but have a few lbs to lose. I only work with my boss, but she tells me all about her and the other ladies diet. I get tired of hearing it and tired of this unspoken pressure to feel shame about my weight. 
The other day I went out for lunch and she yelled "Get something healthy"....her idea of healthy is progressive soup. :doh::doh:
I had started [diet program] as an experiment and I had posted on my facebook why I was doing it and noted that it wasn't about weight gain. 
Well, I was eating some carrots and I asked my boss if she thought the amount I pulled out was about a cup? She snapped "I thought you didn't care about losing weight?" It must have felt really good for her to say that because I could tell it was driving her nuts. 
I just said "I don't I want to gage how much fiber I am eating." 
She is a really good boss otherwise, but her obsession with weight is tiresome.


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## sw33tness3 (Jul 26, 2011)

Honestly, I don't deal. Sooo many times I have refused to leave my house unless its absolutely necessary. And if something did happen while I was out, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. My "world" was going to end. It had gotten to the point where I could not make eye contact with anyone AT ALL. Any time I went anywhere, I either hung my head down in shame or looked away from anyone that was anywhere near me. And the only thoughts I had about certain situations or moments that could lead to embarrassment were how to avoid them at all costs. Always took the easy way out.
Recently I have been doing better though. I have realized that I'm not the only fat person out there and that being fat does not define who I am. Now I'm working on removing those kind of thoughts completely and replacing them with positive ones and trying to act more confident so that eventually I can be confident, it'll just come naturally. I've been making eye contact with people. And not just people I deal with like the cashier at the grocery store, etc. I have actually smiled and said hello to people in passing them. I am slowly gaining confidence. And if something does happen while I am out and about I hope to be able to react as some of you have described. Some day I hope to be able to say "Shame?! What shame?!?"
Thank you for starting this thread mcbeth!


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## Shan34 (Jul 26, 2011)

I am usually just fine being me. There is one situation however that I find difficult. 

If I am in a room full of people I am suddenly VERY aware of how much space I take up and constantly feel as if I'm in the way. And I apologize to people as I move about. Not sure how to change that.

I hate it...


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## anneblithe (Jul 26, 2011)

I have hips, and I often have to walk between people and around people as part of my job, like a server at a restaurant. I used to feel apologetic about it. If I were "normal" sized, then no one would have to move an inch to let me through. Now, my feeling is very much that they should get over it. They can see me, can see that I'm working the crowd, and can see my size. If they notice me coming, they should accommodate that. If they don't see me coming, or just refuse, I smile and ask them to move. They might get annoyed, but I've decided not to let that bother me. After all, all I am asking is for the same freedom of movement that they have. They'll have to get over it.


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## Fat Brian (Jul 26, 2011)

Lamia said:


> progressive soup



Progresso Soup ? :eat1:

I always get the last laugh were I work, we do a yearly fitness exam where our blood pressure and sugar and cholesterol are checked and even at 375 lbs mine are lower than almost everyones.


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## LovelyLiz (Jul 26, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> Progresso Soup ? :eat1:



Ha! I didn't catch that. Nicely done.  It's cracking me up now...

Now, no more talk about progressive soup. I don't want this thread to have to go to Hyde Park.


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## Fat Brian (Jul 26, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> Ha! I didn't catch that. Nicely done.  It's cracking me up now...
> 
> Now, no more talk about progressive soup. I don't want this thread to have to go to Hyde Park.



Actually, I find soup of all kinds to be one of the more progressive things I eat. Far more than a pile of cheese sandwiches anyway.


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## Kibeth (Jul 26, 2011)

Lamia, I truly feel for you in that aspect. I am surrounded often by people who are obsessive with their dieting, and it drives me up a wall. It seems to become the focus of their attention in a social situation. It makes me want to punch them so hard in the nipples that the force of the punch would thus turn them into turtles. Or when people ask me to join some diet. I just want to yell at them "If I wanted to f*cking diet, i would have by this point. Go talk about how much you hate your body else where." : P I'm a little bitter about it.

anyways. i dont feel shameful. its my body, my choice. i'll own the shit out of that choice and continue on with my life.  not like its truly hindered me.


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## ConnieLynn (Jul 26, 2011)

Ran across these words online today and couldn't wait to get home so I could post them: 

Shame is not a part of my wardrobe. Conformity is not beauty.

Mantra anyone?


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## bettylulu (Jul 26, 2011)

ConnieLynn said:


> Ran across these words online today and couldn't wait to get home so I could post them:
> 
> Shame is not a part of my wardrobe. Conformity is not beauty.
> 
> Mantra anyone?




I love it!


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## Zandoz (Jul 26, 2011)

Shame, no. Deal, for the most part no.

If it is not absolutely necessary for me to go to someplace that's going to be a hassle, I don't go. I have enough problems without dealing with more from places/things that are not a necessity. If it's a business, it just shows me they do not want my business. I've turned around and walked out of a lot of places, when I could walk.


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## idontspeakespn (Jul 27, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> As a fat person, there will be times out in the world where the way the world is constructed will not be hospitable to our bodies. And depending on body size, this can come up just once in a while, or multiple times on a daily basis. And if you choose as a fat person not to let the inhospitable nature of some of the built-environment keep you from going out and interacting in lots of different places on a regular basis, there are going to be times when a piece of furniture breaks, an access point (like a turnstile) is too small, and any number of other scenarios where some creative thinking or different modes of access or engagement have to be found or worked out.
> 
> I have worked really really hard over the years not to let my fear of these kinds of situations keep me from going out and trying new things, and have learned from a lot of other fat women about how to approach these things in a way that is direct, unapologetic, and free of shame. But I still sometimes find that when something like this happens, my initial gut internal reaction is to feel like I am freakish and wrong, and to feel shame. I work through it later, and reorient myself to what is true, but it's a process - and it's a process I'd like to take less time, and to figure out new ways of reacting and framing these situations.
> 
> So my question is - do you still have those immediate feelings of shame? And if so, how do you deal with them? Are there some situations (or people you are with) that bring it up more than others? Or if you don't feel shame, what do you feel instead when you encounter surprising fat-obstacles, and how do you express that?




I think that, unless you are in a near perfect state of enlightenment, everyone will have feelings of shame sometime or another. My shame doesn't develop from the fact that I'm big, I actually don't mind (most of the time anyway) physically being bigger. But it comes from the fact that I know I should be doing something to take better care of myself because of my family history. Right now, I can reasonably expect to live to about 60, and that really upsets me. I want to live a long and happy life and I don't think dying at 60 is really calling it a long and happy life. So that's where my shame comes from and I combat that by saying, 'I'm not my family, I DO make different choices in my life and I shouldn't feel shameful about not being the perfect healthy person.' I do try to take care of myself, but it's easy to forget that sometimes. 

My shame is best buried away until I can deal with it later LOL.
Seriously speaking though, any creative venting helps. I sing, I do some art work, I am teaching myself to play piano. Those help to soothe a shameful heart, because those ARE ways I take care of myself. It keeps the balance, I think.

P.S. I've seen access points on the subway stop even a size 4 because they're too small--only children can fit through those things. Turnstiles are the devil.


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## TheMrs (Jul 27, 2011)

I've been embarrassed on a few occasions, but I've learned to take it in stride. Of course that can vary with mood, pms, etc. I AM a woman
I'm always worried about a restaurant only having booths or chairs with arms. So I try to call ahead and make sure if I can't find out via the internet. 
Life is for the living so I have to take chances sometimes


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## SlightlyMorbid (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't know if my boyfriend sometimes feels shame for his size (even though he's not as big as some of you) but I've noticed it sometimes that I got the idea he was, especially in the beginning of our relationship.

I just tried my best and made sure to support him with a smile or kiss if something awkward had happened and cast a few deadly glares in the directions of anyone who was even trying to think of some nasty comment or whatever.


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## Lamia (Jul 27, 2011)

Fat Brian said:


> Progresso Soup ? :eat1:
> 
> I always get the last laugh were I work, we do a yearly fitness exam where our blood pressure and sugar and cholesterol are checked and even at 375 lbs mine are lower than almost everyones.



:doh: lol oops you know what I meant. maybe it was a Freudian slip.


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## Lamia (Jul 27, 2011)

sw33tness3 said:


> Honestly, I don't deal. Sooo many times I have refused to leave my house unless its absolutely necessary. And if something did happen while I was out, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. My "world" was going to end. It had gotten to the point where I could not make eye contact with anyone AT ALL. Any time I went anywhere, I either hung my head down in shame or looked away from anyone that was anywhere near me. And the only thoughts I had about certain situations or moments that could lead to embarrassment were how to avoid them at all costs. Always took the easy way out.
> Recently I have been doing better though. I have realized that I'm not the only fat person out there and that being fat does not define who I am. Now I'm working on removing those kind of thoughts completely and replacing them with positive ones and trying to act more confident so that eventually I can be confident, it'll just come naturally. I've been making eye contact with people. And not just people I deal with like the cashier at the grocery store, etc. I have actually smiled and said hello to people in passing them. I am slowly gaining confidence. And if something does happen while I am out and about I hope to be able to react as some of you have described. Some day I hope to be able to say "Shame?! What shame?!?"
> Thank you for starting this thread mcbeth!



I feel ya on this. This is me as a teenanger and in my early 20 to late 20s. I honestly had such low self-esteem that in college people would ask me to sit with them and I would sit by myself because I didn't want them to have to sit with someone as grotesque as myself. 

If you keep striving to accept yourself you will get there. Feed the right wolf. 
I went swimming this weekend in a public pool with tons of people. I am sure they looked at me I'm 409 lbs of white fluff. I was nervous about going to the pool because I have this leftover residue of shame, but it's just a memory. When I got there I got in the pool in front of a bunch of kids who all gawked and some laughed. I was by myself btw. 

I felt nothing...no shame...just pleasure at being in the water. 

I hope you get to that place too someday. I wish it for everyone.


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## sw33tness3 (Aug 10, 2011)

Lamia said:


> people would ask me to sit with them and I would sit by myself....................
> I hope you get to that place too someday.



thanks for sharing Lamia. I, too, was asked several times but ended up sitting by myself for the same reasons..
I will get there its just going to take time WTG for going swimming too! I love to swim but I haven't went to a public pool since my early teens.


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## Guerrilla (Aug 11, 2011)

I've learned that generally shame and feeling awkward is all in one's mind, so I try to stride confidently into any situation. And I've generally learned to defuse any negative situation with humor and I'm pretty confident in my personality and intelligence. Life is what you make it and you're the only one who can hold you back.


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## BLK360 (Aug 12, 2011)

I was shameful when I was younger...but i feel I grew out of it. Now i have little to no shame, and the more confidence I exude, the less people seem to gawk at me as fat or care at all. Self fulfilling prophecies and all that jazz I suppose. But in general, I go to night clubs and parties and enjoy myself now. Also, when the big guy gets on the floor and gets down, party girls seem to respond in kind. People love happy people.


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## Mistress Tracy (Aug 15, 2011)

BLK360 said:


> I was shameful when I was younger...but i feel I grew out of it. Now i have little to no shame, and the more confidence I exude, the less people seem to gawk at me as fat or care at all. Self fulfilling prophecies and all that jazz I suppose. But in general, I go to night clubs and parties and enjoy myself now. Also, when the big guy gets on the floor and gets down, party girls seem to respond in kind. People love happy people.



I agree whole heartedly. I felt shame when I was younger as well. Once you accept who and what you are it will draw people to you. It makes me angry that our society encourages us to be shameful. With the constant weight loss ads and new diets shoved in our faces. I have worked really hard to love myself. Once I achieved that it made it easier for others to accept me. I'm not willing to change who I am for anyone. I decided to live my life and do what I needed to do to be happy. Its important to remember that everyone has or has had some sort of insecurity. Hell, we're human. It comes with the territory. Also it really helps that I have a very thin and beautiful friend who keeps threatening to drug me and steal some of my ass so that she can have a booty too. lol


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## Surlysomething (Aug 15, 2011)

This is when being an alpha female comes in handy.


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## SuziQ (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm so glad you started this thread and I've enjoyed reading all of the comments. 

I found NAAFA and got divorced about the same time when I was turning 40 -- that's 23 years ago. I desperately wanted to accept myself and NAAFA did help, but the feeling of unworthiness had been with me since I was a child. I've had to move back around family because of health and mobility problems. Family members don't say too much about my weight now but they have always disapproved. People accept me, but I do miss that acceptance of fatness that I found at NAAFA. 

I know it's up to me to accept myself and when I do, I believe others will accept me too. When I was a child I thought when someone loved me, when I found a husband, I would have that safe haven for me and I would feel OK. It didn't work out that way though.

I'm not sure it's realistic to not care at all what others think, but maybe it is. For now, I have to survive so I've told myself it doesn't matter and I do go out. I've always worn some emotional armor to protect myself from getting hurt. I felt hurt anyway and it also kept me really letting people be close.

Believe it or not I used to do some counseling many, many years ago. I can tell you that people of all sizes say the same things I've said. I was told my weight was unacceptable as a child and so took that on as the reason I felt unworthy. No matter their size, they were taught that something about their body or personality was unworthy. 

What I saw at NAAFA events and what I see here are women who feel gloriously good about themselves. If they can do it, I know I can too. And it's also OK for it to be a journey we are on, always learning, sometimes feeling good, sometimes not. It really is nice to visit here and be able to talk about fat issues honestly. 

I find your comments very uplifting.


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## Pitch (Aug 17, 2011)

Anger. ): Heh, working on that.


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## fat hiker (Aug 17, 2011)

How do I deal with those feelings of shame and self hatred?

Time to myself, or at least time with good music.

Finding positive images of fat people around me to admire. (It's amazing the people you see on the bus!)

Coming here.

Getting some exercise - nothing like the endorphins from a walk, cycle, or swim to clear away those bad feelings.


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## ConnieLynn (Aug 17, 2011)

Pitch said:


> Anger. ): Heh, working on that.



A little anger can be good thing. Nothing like getting pissed off to make you stand up for yourself. You too can be an alpha female 



Surlysomething said:


> This is when being an alpha female comes in handy.


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## MrBob (Aug 17, 2011)

I used to be terribly shy because of my size, I could hardly look people in the eye when talking to them...and girls? I'd barely manage a mumble in their direction. Then I don't know what happened a few years ago but something in my head must of said 'screw it!' and I become more and more extroverted to the point I'm at now, comfortable in my own skin and confident enough to take over a room with my personality if I want to. Sure, I'd probably still liked to have stopped putting on weight at about the 200 lb mark but I don't give it much thought anymore.

And if anyone does make a comment on my size these days I will call them up on it where before I would have bowed my head and walked away.


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## bettylulu (Aug 17, 2011)

MrBob said:


> I used to be terribly shy because of my size, I could hardly look people in the eye when talking to them...



That was a huge thing for me, too. It was like if I looked them in the eye, they would be able to see my awfulness or that I just didn't deserve that connection with people. But when I finally started realizing that was dumb, is when I really started to ditch the shame and come out of my shell.


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## Jes (Aug 17, 2011)

Good for the both of you! Kudos. It's extremely difficult to deal with people who won't look at you at all. For me, I have trouble tolerating it and I end up avoiding a non-eye-contact person whenever humanly possible. It really shuts down interaction in both directions so I'm glad you feel like facing people now!


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## bettylulu (Aug 17, 2011)

Jes said:


> Good for the both of you! Kudos. It's extremely difficult to deal with people who won't look at you at all. For me, I have trouble tolerating it and I end up avoiding a non-eye-contact person whenever humanly possible. It really shuts down interaction in both directions so I'm glad you feel like facing people now!



It wasn't that I wouldn't look at people at all. I would just look at their face or the bridge of their nose. When I started making sustained eye contact with people, I found it does open up your interaction and connect you on a whole other level, JMO.


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## genevathistime (Sep 7, 2011)

As stated before ...humor seems to be my way of dealing. Although, there are times where everything is just too much. How do I deal with that? I deal with it in honesty, if that makes sense. I _allow myself to be sad, upset, whatever it is I'm feeling. Life is about balance, thus negative emotions are necessary. Sometimes you just need to cry, scream, etc....Once you really let go it becomes easier to breath..so to speak.


=p_


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## fat hiker (Sep 9, 2011)

I've just found another useful way to cope - and it was quite unintentional. I've taken a part-time teaching position at a community college, and in one of my lab classes, sitting up front near me, are five guys considerably larger than I am. And they all seem quite comfortable in their skins.

I suppose if I were an FFA I'd be thinking of them as eye-candy, but it is certainly is re-assuring to up in front of the lab with these five BHMs to contrast with the thinner muscle dudes sitting further away.


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## duraznos (Sep 14, 2011)

This past weekend I went camping, and at the campground they had kayaks to go out on the lake with. I probably should have thought it through before trying one, but I didn't... :doh: 

So when the first one started sinking when I was about 15 feet out, I went back in and got in a different kayak (thinking maybe it was defective, lol... I'm REAL smart). The second kayak started sinking about 30 feet out into the water. 

At that point I realized that it was ME sinking the kayaks and decided to go out in a canoe with my friend. I laughed it off (it wasn't hard; I genuinely thought it was funny) and tried not to be apologetic -- I caught myself saying 'sorry' and actually thought of this thread, and stopped myself.

Anyway, just wanted to share-- that was my most recent and probably most clear instance of "fat shame"... luckily I was surrounded by loved ones and it was more funny than embarrassing, but still I felt that twinge that could easily have festered into something more serious, if I had let it.


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## Jes (Sep 15, 2011)

duraznos said:


> I caught myself saying 'sorry' and actually thought of this thread, and stopped myself.
> .



Good for you! Really. Sometimes I think 'sorry' is the word that women say most often, without thinking about it. It's hard not to apologize when we're in that headspace.


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## tonynyc (Sep 15, 2011)

*"The only shame is to have none *
*Blaise Pascal (French Mathematician, Philosopher and Physicist, 1623-1662)*


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## fat hiker (Sep 19, 2011)

duraznos said:


> This past weekend I went camping, and at the campground they had kayaks to go out on the lake with. I probably should have thought it through before trying one, but I didn't... :doh:
> 
> So when the first one started sinking when I was about 15 feet out, I went back in and got in a different kayak (thinking maybe it was defective, lol... I'm REAL smart). The second kayak started sinking about 30 feet out into the water.
> 
> ...



Ah, canoes and kayaks (and other small watercraft). To keep costs down, an amazing number of kayaks, and even some canoes, have very low weight capacity - those playboat and river runner type kayaks often have weight limits so low that the cut off the 'average' American male - 180 or 200 pounds. There are kayaks, especially the longer, ocean-type kayaks, that have 300 or even 350 pound weight capacities. 

Around small boats, it always pays to ask. I have seen a pair of very similar looking 16 foot canoes and one had only a 500 pound weight capacity while the one next to it had a 900 pound weight capacity! One was just meant for two folks out for a paddle; the other for folks intent on serious long-distance tripping with gear, or hauling stuff out to an island cottage. Of course, a 900 pound capacity also made it perfect for SSBBWs and SSBHMs....


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## BigCutiesAmber (Oct 24, 2011)

I've had times where I've thought things like "this would be easier if I wasn't bigger" but I don't really think I've ever felt shame about my weight, I've always just accepted that there will be somethings I can do and some things I can't and that is the way it is. I've still managed to do many things with friends and family like rock climbing, and I got kayaking and canoeing almost every week in the summer. I've broken chairs and I've sunk a kayak once as well but I just laughed it off. The way I see it is that if people are going to judge me, nothing I say or do is going to stop them from doing it, so let them judge, I'll ignore it and enjoy my life.


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## Vageta (Oct 24, 2011)

The funny thing about people is, fat people feel ashamed for being fat, short people for being short, people with freckles, red hair, curly hair, too skinny, too small breasts, too big breasts, bald, body hair, etc.

Our world has a million reasons for people to hate themselvesIsnt it wonderful.


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## EMH1701 (Oct 24, 2011)

It depends upon the situation. I'm actually worried because I have my annual health screening for health insurance this week, and they're doing it at work. The physician is the only other option and there's not enough time. They only give you a few weeks to get it done.


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## ampleampleample (Oct 24, 2011)

bettylulu said:


> Hmm...good question. I too will get those shame feelings, but I have been trying to work through them. I think most of the time I try to turn it into a joke or laugh it off.
> 
> The best example I had was one of my coworkers. She was about 315 pounds and lovely. She didn't make apologies or excuse for her size, she just "was", if that makes sense. If she needed a more accommodating seat at a restaurant, or a seat belt extender on an airplane, or to use the handicapped entrance instead of a turn-style, she just asked for it in her same conversational tone and I never saw one person in 14 years react to any of her requests with anything other then professionalism. Maybe she felt shame, but outwardly she acted like it was the most natural thing in the world. So seeing that helped me think, "Hey, if she can do it like it's natural, I can do it and feel okay about it, too."
> 
> Another thing that helps me is realizing that even if people are slim, they are still most likely self-conscious about something to do with their body. It might not be their weight, but it might be their nose or their feet or their hands or a scar, whatever. The vast majority of people, especially women, are usually silently thinking, "Oh, I hope they don't notice my ______."



In my/our 20's I dated a girl who had been a pom pom girl her first couple years of college before out growing it and going on to weigh will over 400 lbs. But she stayed friends with all the former chearleaders and they were such a bunch of head cases, perfect bodies but many totally obsessive about it due to their own insecurities, she was really more sure of herself than they were. Many are insecure, it just gets expressed and manifests itself in different ways.


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## Lamia (Oct 25, 2011)

Vageta said:


> The funny thing about people is, fat people feel ashamed for being fat, short people for being short, people with freckles, red hair, curly hair, too skinny, too small breasts, too big breasts, bald, body hair, etc.
> 
> Our world has a million reasons for people to hate themselvesIsnt it wonderful.



This sounds like the beginning to a very funny Disney song about self loathing....

You are too fat 
and you are too thin
You've got that thing
hanging off of your chin

Why can't you be sublime
your looks should be a crime
I wish you were dead
because of your ill shaped head

It's nothing a hammer couldn't fix *animation of someone pounding someone's knotty skull into a perfect round shape*


Just remember to hate yourself
and everyone around you 
You miserable piece of crap


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## crayola box (Oct 26, 2011)

Lamia said:


> This sounds like the beginning to a very funny Disney song about self loathing....
> 
> You are too fat
> and you are too thin
> ...




Sounds like someone just wrote the new theme song for the It's a Small World ride.


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## moore2me (Oct 26, 2011)

mcbeth said:


> As a fat person, there will be times out in the world where the way the world is constructed will not be hospitable to our bodies. And depending on body size, this can come up just once in a while, or multiple times on a daily basis. And if you choose as a fat person not to let the inhospitable nature of some of the built-environment keep you from going out and interacting in lots of different places on a regular basis, there are going to be times when a piece of furniture breaks, an access point (like a turnstile) is too small, and any number of other scenarios where some creative thinking or different modes of access or engagement have to be found or worked out.
> 
> I have worked really really hard over the years not to let my fear of these kinds of situations keep me from going out and trying new things, and have learned from a lot of other fat women about how to approach these things in a way that is direct, unapologetic, and free of shame.* But I still sometimes find that when something like this happens, my initial gut internal reaction is to feel like I am freakish and wrong, and to feel shame. I work through it later, and reorient myself to what is true, but it's a process - and it's a process I'd like to take less time, and to figure out new ways of reacting and framing these situations.
> 
> ...


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## Your Plump Princess (Oct 26, 2011)

penguin said:


> I try to approach those situations like that too, just keeping it matter of fact, like it shouldn't be an issue, because it shouldn't. But when things go wrong, that's when I bring out the humour.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



My Gods, I thought I was the only one with that problem!


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