# Emotional Insecurity Issues



## AuntHen (Oct 5, 2013)

I think this is the best place to make this thread as it deals with an aspect of emotional/mental health.

I struggle with an issue of worrying about people either rejecting me or not liking me due to not pleasing them with either my answer or my actions.

I think some of it stems from my Dad being a bit passive aggressive and always trying to get him to say "good job" but this was not in his nature. My parents were not much for positive reinforcement unfortunately.

I also think this spiraled out of control for me when my Mom left my family (yes, not just my Dad but her children) when I was about 13/14.

Through my teen and adult life I found it difficult to tell people "no" when I did not want to do something because I wanted their approval.If I did say no and I felt any tension, I would then act like a shy, nervous "bad dog" and/or would later give in to them as to please them.

I have worked on this over the year and am much better at it but still find it a struggle (especially with people who are used to getting their way/pushy type/react with silent treatments or some other negative vibe). I find it hard to not feel that I am not at fault or a bad person or worrying they won't like me.

I know and say to myself that it is not ME that they do not like but the fact that they are not getting their way and/or they are just disappointed in general. I stand up for myself more and more and say "no" more and more when I need to but I want to get to where I don't feel those negative things anymore and can just go about my day without carrying the situation inside of me. Letting it go right then and there. Passive aggression also annoys me and I feel that if a person can't voice their feelings to me, that 1) there is nothing I can do 2) that's their problem not mine.

Anyone know anything about this and have any advice as how to better deal with it? 
Thanks


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## Webmaster (Oct 10, 2013)

fat9276 said:


> I struggle with an issue of worrying about people either rejecting me or not liking me due to not pleasing them with either my answer or my actions.



I think that's a rather common issue. I know I feel that way at times.

But let's analyze the situation:

There are people who simply don't care what other people think at all. That might work for them, but I have never considered such people to be very pleasant. I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with them. 

At the other end of the spectrum are those who always seek to please. That can be a bit annoying as well because it quickly becomes obvious that they don't really WANT to please, but simply think they have to.

If you are someone who feels a need to please and feel bad when you don't, there's no quick fix, but probably rather a number of small adjustments. Like not always volunteering to help and not always being the one who offers. 

If in a relationship or with family, try not to establish a pattern where the other automatically assumes you'll give in or offer. People generally treat you the way you let them treat you. 

As for saying no to people, that can be hard. But you can learn to say no without being abrupt or coming across as unhelpful. There are many ways to deflect a request without resorting to an excuse. Most people are quite used to being turned down with a request and they won't take it personally.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Oct 10, 2013)

Wanting to please other people is normal for humans. And a good thing, too. We all need allies, especially when we are vulnerable; small children almost always want to please. And when you're among strangers, or in a new or strange situation, you need to be careful not to alienate others until you know where you stand. But once you know that, you can afford to be a bit more selective (or, as my wife says, curmudgeonly). Who are the people you admire or respect because of their characters? Who is compassionate, wise, generous, and patient? To these people you should always say yes, unless it would cause you a hardship; and if it _would_ be difficult for you, these are the people who will understand if you explain your reluctance. People who are not good or admirable have no claim on you; be pleasant to them, by all means, but this doesn't obligate you to curry favor with them. I think this becomes a little easier as you grow older; when you are young, you still carry much of the insecurity of childhood (and you may carry more of this than average). Take comfort in the fact that as you come to know more and more people, and see how they act and treat one another, their opinions of you will come to matter less and less. Hope this helps.


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## Amaranthine (Oct 10, 2013)

I used to have this problem majorly as well. 

Basically, when it comes to making people happy, there's one person you should put at the forefront: You.

On the surface this might sound a bit selfish, but I don't think it has to be that way. Doing things for people is an easy way to gain allies, as Dr.Feelgood said, and it's certainly nice to help those you care about. But people should love you for far more than what you can do for them. If someone genuinely respects/appreciates you, they should understand that you might be too busy to accommodate them. The happiness and health of any relationship shouldn't be based on how much you can get out of the other person, but rather how much you enjoy being around them (with occasionally helping them out arising naturally out of that.) 

Sure, you might have to actually disappoint people sometimes...but typically, that's going to be a very insignificant effect. It's certainly not worth sacrificing your own happiness for. I'm not sure if this plays into it at all, but it's worth taking the time to reflect on anyway: You're an awesome person and anyone should be happy just spending time around you for the sake of doing so. There's no reason you should have to "earn" their approval. 

[cheesy sounding advice warning] Love yourself and be confident in who you are and it'll radiate out to others :happy: 


It can still be difficult though, so good luck!


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## ODFFA (Oct 10, 2013)

I am saying these things just as much, if not more, to myself as I am to Dims in general.....

I agree that this basic concern is totally typical to the human experience. And I also agree that there are two extreme approaches to it, neither of which seem particularly ideal to me personally.

One very important way to start shifting one's thinking of this to a healthier place - little by little - could be to start asking yourself what *you think more often. I can _completely_ identify with that feeling of insignificance, where it's just so easy to believe your own opinions and feelings are inconsequential compared to others'.

We are the ones with the most control over our lives. Not complete control, but a hell of a lot. That can be a scary thought, but it's also a rather encouraging one. We know ourselves in ways no one else ever will. And we cannot get away from ourselves.... at least not if we wish to remain alive.

Those are just a few of the reasons why it's so crucial to place a high value on our opinions and feelings. I've learned first-hand how difficult life can be if we don't. And it doesn't mean disregarding others in the least! It doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive thing.

It takes a lot of mental effort catching yourself out on this kind of thing, and then even more to ask that initially uncomfortable question, "what do _I_ think?" As an example, I would oftentimes have certain opinions about how I dressed as a teenager. I'd deluded myself into thinking I looked uncool at all times, just too conservative and plain. In truth, I'd passively and almost unknowingly adopted the opinions I *thought 'everyone else' held as my own. 

Deep down I actually didn't, and don't, think I looked half bad. After all, I kept making the choices to wear what I wanted. When I see pics of myself from that time now, I have some very different feelings about it. I just never dared ask myself what I thought, because it seemed utterly unimportant.

TL;DR - Most helpful realisation to me with this issue: Others' thoughts/wishes can be used to good effect, but your own, independent opinion is invaluably worth considering.

ETA: aaaaaaa! Amaranthine! What awesome telepathy :happy: That wonderfully freaky 'you just said what I was thinking' thing happened again. I love it!


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## Tad (Oct 11, 2013)

Just curious, how much do you think the overall behavior is to avoid conflict and/or negative emotions, and how much about getting actual positive feedback of some sort to say that you done good?

The tendency in my family is to preemptively reject a situation or person in order to avoid rejection by them, which I think is a failing in the opposite direction, but from some of the same root perhaps--at least it is trying to avoid conflict and avoid failure to get positive feedback. So I keep having these internal dialogues with myself around these topics, and have never really come to any conclusions. Hence reading other people's take on the subject, even coming from a different side, is interesting and elucidating.

In other words, excuse the intrusion, please carry on :bow: (and I'll be reading with interest)


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## AuntHen (Oct 12, 2013)

First of all, thank you all for responding as I had been getting ready to make my next post "Bueller? Bueller?" haha 

ODFFA and Amaranthine I owe you rep because apparently I repped you too much recently 

@Tad, funny you ask that... sooo for me, anytime I feel I need to speak or stand up for myself. I am ready. I kind of have a "big mouth" when I feel strongly about something but it comes out all wrong or with a tone that I didn't really intend. I get nervous once it's out and everything feels like a confrontation to me (if I sense anything negative from the other person or they get defensive). I get lost in emotion. :doh:

It's like the worst blend of extrovert-introvert and/or insecure-confident. Almost like half of me is confident and wants to address things head on and directly and half of me worries about how the person(s) will think/react after I do. Does that make sense?

I just want to be calm, present myself calmly but directly and take their reaction calmly and not personally.

For the other part of your question, even though that part was not the intent of this post... yeah I want positive feedback. Crave it. I am a bit like a kid about it. I guess I feel deprived. 

Oh and just to add, part of the problem I think, is that I am not good with retorts. I am for the most part an analyzer. I need time to think things over in order to really express how I feel or what I want or what I think. So if I feel pressure to have a quick answer, it is going to be mess as well. I have a bad habit of being... reactionary? Sigh.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Oct 12, 2013)

fat9276 said:


> Oh and just to add, part of the problem I think, is that I am not good with retorts. I am for the most part an analyzer. I need time to think things over in order to really express how I feel or what I want or what I think. So if I feel pressure to have a quick answer, it is going to be mess as well. I have a bad habit of being... reactionary? Sigh.



As Bill Clinton once said, "I feel your pain." This is classic introvert behavior: in fact, somebody once said, "Extraverts have to talk in order to think; introverts have to think in order to talk." I'm so bad at this that, if I expect a confrontation is coming, I run different scenarios in my head and plan what to say if the other person says x (or, for that matter, y or z). But, like you, I do not dodge confrontations on that account: if it's about something I believe in strongly, damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead!


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## ODFFA (Oct 12, 2013)

Oh my GAWD, the retorts thing! >.<

I wouldn't say I avoid confrontation altogether because of it..... anymore. I certainly used to. Turns out it wasn't worth it, so none of that. 

But I feel the pain too! It's hard to actually stay calm when you feel kind of ill-equipped to stand your ground, even if you're perfectly willing to.


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## SprocketRocket (Oct 13, 2013)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> As Bill Clinton once said, "I feel your pain." This is classic introvert behavior: in fact, somebody once said, "Extraverts have to talk in order to think; introverts have to think in order to talk." I'm so bad at this that, if I expect a confrontation is coming, I run different scenarios in my head and plan what to say if the other person says x (or, for that matter, y or z). But, like you, I do not dodge confrontations on that account: if it's about something I believe in strongly, damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead!



It says a lot about you if you stand up for what you believe in. Fat activism, being social, making a point that negative people can have each other but can't shoo you away.. Things like that, whatever you believe strongly in is something you can either express, or surpress. The saying, "To stand for something or fall for anything" is true.

I laugh at the overly polite people. Like they have no brain of their own. Or, they say they do, but act as though everyone is their friend.. Pfft. How is that standing up for what you believe it. it is being a sponge, and it is stupid.

However, a lot of these things can lead to emotional insecurity issues, more like letting people take advantage, etc. Or take money, and never give it back.. Things like this breed bitterness, and can really screw you up.


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