# PRETENDING THAT HE'S OKAY



## Pattie Vincent (Jun 27, 2018)

How would you know if a man is having a depression? Women are more emotionally expressive than men. I'm asking because my younger brother just broke up with his girlfriend. He found out that Maya (her GF) has been dating another man. He asked her to choose between the two of them but sadly, the girl chose the new guy. I know it's difficult for my brother because they had been together for 3 years and he already had a plan of proposing later this year. I asked him if he's okay and he said yes with a smile. I even asked his friends too if he's sharing what he feels when they invited him to go to the bar. They said that he looks fine and can even manage to tell jokes and laugh out loud. Is he just pretending? Is that normal for a guy?


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## LifelongFA (Jun 27, 2018)

It depends on the guy. I have only allowed certain "inner circle" people to know when I have been hurting, and even then, not always quickly. Men have a lot of pride, we don't generally like admitting to the world that someone has bruised our ego, taken away our dreams, and just plain broken our hearts. We want to believe that we are stronger than that. The truth is most of us can endure physical pain (for example) so much easier.


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## Tad (Jun 27, 2018)

Another thing is that, stereotypically, men's brains are more like a train track, women's like a multi lane highway. So when he is out having fun with friends, that is what he doing. When you are having fun with friends you might be able to be sad about something else, thinking about whether to buy a new phone or wait until next year, thinking about that great Supper earlier in the week, figuring out what to get your niece for her birthday, and planning when to ask a particular friend about how her Mother's fight with cancer is going.

He may be very sad at times, but not when out with friends.

Anyway, being sad is different from being depressed. If he stops going out with friends, then i would worry about depression.


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## BigElectricKat (Jun 27, 2018)

Some years ago, I went through a bout of PTSD. For the most part, no one could tell what I was going through. Especially people who didn't know me before. It took me years to recognize that I had changed. I started doing crazy shit every now and then. Nothing illegal but just more risky things: going places I shouldn't, doing things I knew better, not caring about who saw what, where, and when. I also started going days without coming out of my room (military dorm). I kept people at arms length alot. Granted, this was back in the day before many (if any) studies came out about PTSD. So no one really saw anything wrong with me. But there was.

The reason I bring this up is because depression and PTSD are very similar in alot of ways. Just look for subtle changes in his behavior or in things he enjoys. That may be a clue.


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## Pattie Vincent (Jun 28, 2018)

LifelongFA said:


> It depends on the guy. I have only allowed certain "inner circle" people to know when I have been hurting, and even then, not always quickly. Men have a lot of pride, we don't generally like admitting to the world that someone has bruised our ego, taken away our dreams, and just plain broken our hearts. We want to believe that we are stronger than that. The truth is most of us can endure physical pain (for example) so much easier.



I agree to this: Men have a lot of pride, we don't generally like admitting to the world that someone has bruised our ego.


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## Pattie Vincent (Jun 28, 2018)

BigElectricKat said:


> Some years ago, I went through a bout of PTSD. For the most part, no one could tell what I was going through. Especially people who didn't know me before. It took me years to recognize that I had changed. I started doing crazy shit every now and then. Nothing illegal but just more risky things: going places I shouldn't, doing things I knew better, not caring about who saw what, where, and when. I also started going days without coming out of my room (military dorm). I kept people at arms length alot. Granted, this was back in the day before many (if any) studies came out about PTSD. So no one really saw anything wrong with me. But there was.
> 
> The reason I bring this up is because depression and PTSD are very similar in alot of ways. Just look for subtle changes in his behavior or in things he enjoys. That may be a clue.



Hey @BigElectricKat! Thanks for sharing your story. How did you learn that you had PTSD and how did you overcome it? I'm curious coz your answer may help me find the answer for my brother.
Thanks.


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## Pattie Vincent (Jun 28, 2018)

Tad said:


> Another thing is that, stereotypically, men's brains are more like a train track, women's like a multi lane highway. So when he is out having fun with friends, that is what he doing. When you are having fun with friends you might be able to be sad about something else, thinking about whether to buy a new phone or wait until next year, thinking about that great Supper earlier in the week, figuring out what to get your niece for her birthday, and planning when to ask a particular friend about how her Mother's fight with cancer is going.
> 
> He may be very sad at times, but not when out with friends.
> 
> Anyway, being sad is different from being depressed. If he stops going out with friends, then i would worry about depression.



I think you're right, @Tad ! I read something about signs of depression in men and out of 10 symptoms, I only noticed 2 from him. He had a change in sleeping habits and lack of interest. During the first week of their breakup, he was like all they sleeping and had no interest in joining me at the mall. Well, maybe because it was during the stage where he was hurting so bad. I guess I just got worried so much about him. Thank you for the enlightenment.


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## BigElectricKat (Jun 29, 2018)

Pattie Vincent said:


> Hey @BigElectricKat! Thanks for sharing your story. How did you learn that you had PTSD and how did you overcome it? I'm curious coz your answer may help me find the answer for my brother.
> Thanks.


My triggering event happened in 1991 in the Gulf. I didn't really think anything was wrong when we got back and carried on as though everything was alright. But when I went back home to visit my friends and family in '92, a few said that I had changed in some way. I didn't think I had and just blew it off to the separation. In '98, I ran into a young man who served with me in the Gulf. He was married and still serving as well. We got to catching up and when we started talking about our time in the Gulf and the day of the incident, he began to cry. I knew that he had lost his best friend there but it was 7 years ago. His wife told me that talking about that ALWAYS made him cry. This guy was now a Staff Sergeant in the Army and definitely not supposed to be crying like that (or so I thought). The encounter gave me pause and has stayed with me ever since.

Fast forward to 2009. As a result of the second Gulf War and other actions around the world, more and more studies about PTSD had come to light. When I was taking my retirement physical, the doctor asked me a series of questions and when I answered yes to a few of them, he suggested that I might have PTSD. When I did some research on my own, I had to admit that there were a number of symptoms that I had and didn't realize. Some of the main things were that I could be reclusive, lost interest in things that once made me happy, and while I don't often dream, ALL of my dreams are about someone chasing me. I still don't have "happy" dreams to this day.

I think the thing that helped me a bit was recognizing it and owning it in my own head. I have spoken to a counsellor and gotten some help. I hope this helps in some way.


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## Pattie Vincent (Jul 2, 2018)

BigElectricKat said:


> My triggering event happened in 1991 in the Gulf. I didn't really think anything was wrong when we got back and carried on as though everything was alright. But when I went back home to visit my friends and family in '92, a few said that I had changed in some way. I didn't think I had and just blew it off to the separation. In '98, I ran into a young man who served with me in the Gulf. He was married and still serving as well. We got to catching up and when we started talking about our time in the Gulf and the day of the incident, he began to cry. I knew that he had lost his best friend there but it was 7 years ago. His wife told me that talking about that ALWAYS made him cry. This guy was now a Staff Sergeant in the Army and definitely not supposed to be crying like that (or so I thought). The encounter gave me pause and has stayed with me ever since.
> 
> Fast forward to 2009. As a result of the second Gulf War and other actions around the world, more and more studies about PTSD had come to light. When I was taking my retirement physical, the doctor asked me a series of questions and when I answered yes to a few of them, he suggested that I might have PTSD. When I did some research on my own, I had to admit that there were a number of symptoms that I had and didn't realize. Some of the main things were that I could be reclusive, lost interest in things that once made me happy, and while I don't often dream, ALL of my dreams are about someone chasing me. I still don't have "happy" dreams to this day.
> 
> I think the thing that helped me a bit was recognizing it and owning it in my own head. I have spoken to a counsellor and gotten some help. I hope this helps in some way.



Now I have a clear understanding of PTSD. I salute you btw, for your service! I hope you're better now. Thank you for sharing your tough but inspiring story.


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## DragonFly (Jul 3, 2018)

BigElectricKat said:


> My triggering event happened in 1991 in the Gulf. I didn't really think anything was wrong when we got back and carried on as though everything was alright. But when I went back home to visit my friends and family in '92, a few said that I had changed in some way. I didn't think I had and just blew it off to the separation. In '98, I ran into a young man who served with me in the Gulf. He was married and still serving as well. We got to catching up and when we started talking about our time in the Gulf and the day of the incident, he began to cry. I knew that he had lost his best friend there but it was 7 years ago. His wife told me that talking about that ALWAYS made him cry. This guy was now a Staff Sergeant in the Army and definitely not supposed to be crying like that (or so I thought). The encounter gave me pause and has stayed with me ever since.
> 
> Fast forward to 2009. As a result of the second Gulf War and other actions around the world, more and more studies about PTSD had come to light. When I was taking my retirement physical, the doctor asked me a series of questions and when I answered yes to a few of them, he suggested that I might have PTSD. When I did some research on my own, I had to admit that there were a number of symptoms that I had and didn't realize. Some of the main things were that I could be reclusive, lost interest in things that once made me happy, and while I don't often dream, ALL of my dreams are about someone chasing me. I still don't have "happy" dreams to this day.
> 
> I think the thing that helped me a bit was recognizing it and owning it in my own head. I have spoken to a counsellor and gotten some help. I hope this helps in some way.



BEK - thank you for your service, and for sharing your journey.


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 3, 2018)

Pattie Vincent said:


> Now I have a clear understanding of PTSD. I salute you btw, for your service! I hope you're better now. Thank you for sharing your tough but inspiring story.


There are so many different ways that PTSD can manifest itself. One other thing that I was doing was risk-taking. I would do crazy stuff and I'm guessing that the adrenaline rush was some sort of momentary "fix" for me. Loud sounds used to affect me as well but not so much anymore.

Thank you for taking the time to comment!


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## DragonFly (Jul 3, 2018)

I rarely post on Facebook, but this caught my heart


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## BigElectricKat (Jul 3, 2018)

DragonFly said:


> View attachment 130551
> I rarely post on Facebook, but this caught my heart


I so a local news story last night about this very thing. Apparently, there's a camp ground/rv park where you can go that has a "no fireworks" policy. They have an organized fireworks display but after that, no other fireworks. Many veterans with PTSD go and camp there for the holiday.


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