# Why do some people......



## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 8, 2009)

such as myself allow past abusive people in my life keep hurting me? 

If it keeps happening, then it's on me....all of it. I'm not excusing the abuser/wrongdoer.....just asking....how does a person get out of these cycles? How does a person change to something stronger?

I keep thinking I have changed....and it's like a slap in the head to realize I have lost ground again. 

What should I do differently?

Advice? Opinions? Experiences? Comments in general?


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## comaseason (Sep 8, 2009)

It's a good question GEF, and something I've struggled with frequently.

At the end of the day what I realized was that I was letting others define me. It may not be the same in your situation but for me I would always get reminded somehow that I was "weak". And the minute that thought sunk in I started acting like the "old" me. The victim me. The hurt, wounded me.

What I tell myself every day is that *I* define who I am. I tell myself that I've grown from those days of being scared and hurt. I also remind myself that it's okay to feel scared and hurt as long as I don't let it take root in me and define me or govern my actions.

I also don't allow people to continue hurting me, if I can't sever ties with the person I re-define the nature of the relationship in my head. For example, I had an absent/neglectful father. A few years ago we started to mend our relationship. During this time together he would repeatedly do things that hurt my feelings. Over and over and over, no matter how many times I told him they bothered me. Once I figured out he just didn't have it in him either by design or by choice to be a "father" I started thinking of him as more of an uncle, or other relative - in my head I just removed him from the role completely.

Because that's what I had to do in order to not be hurt by his actions. Now when he does messed up stuff it rolls off like the way it does when an insensitive distant relative says something stupid. It may not be the best way to handle it, but it's how I've been able to keep him in my life without continually being hurt.

Hope all that made sense.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Sep 8, 2009)

My theory of why we do it is because it is familiar..We might say it isn't but it is..The old saying, better the devil you know then the devil you don't,is 100% true..Next is the way I deal with it..

The only way to stop it from happening it to totally cut this person out of your life..No calling,no stopping by,no nothing..Bury them some where(no not really but you know what I mean) and tell yourself that they are dead and gone..Keep telling yourself that until you get it..Remember no contact what so ever...If you see them in a store,look through them because they are not there,if you can't do that,turn and walk the other way,if they call your name ignore it...It is little steps like this that works..Change your phone number if you have to..I did..

Accept dates with new people and really listen to that person..If that person is not the one for you then find another one and do the same thing..Keep doing this until one of them makes you go wow..Start going to new and different places to stimulate your mind..

Like I said I had to do this to finally keep from going back to the same ones over and over again..I had to retrain myself..Hope it helps GEF..


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## Mies (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm sorry that it's happening to you.


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## katherine22 (Sep 8, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> such as myself allow past abusive people in my life keep hurting me?
> 
> If it keeps happening, then it's on me....all of it. I'm not excusing the abuser/wrongdoer.....just asking....how does a person get out of these cycles? How does a person change to something stronger?
> 
> ...




GEF in all due respect - do what you have never done. Be willing to be alone if it means not getting treated the way you wanted to be treated. When things aren't working, do the opposite.


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## Tracii (Sep 9, 2009)

GEF I'm so sorry you are going thru that it sucks.
I went thru that when I was married the constant feeling of trying to please him but never being able to.I truly loved him even tho' he cheated on me and drank too much and would verbaly abuse me when he was drunk.
When he would sober up he claimed he didn't say or do what I said he did.
It got to be too stressful so I told him I wanted out and that I wasn't going to take any shit from him.
He did straigten up for a while and I thought all was getting better then he brought a girl over to the house when he thought I wasn't home and that was the last straw.
I kicked him out on his ass and threw all his things in the yard and gave him 10 min to gather it all up and be gone.
I did see him in court for the divorce but thats it.Oh he begged me to but I said hell no you jerk I'm done playing games with you.
I have had nothing to do with him or his friends and their wives since then.
Its best to cut all ties with a-holes that only hurt you.
Life is too short and there are nice people out there just keep looking I'm sure you will find someone to treat you right.
Key is don't take any shit off them from the get go and stand your ground.
GEF one Q are you a very giving person?What I mean by that is are you always doing things for others before doing things for youself.
Take time for yourself first even if it means being alone for a while.
Take time to think thru how you interact with people close to you.
Being alone for a while was the best thing for me.It gave me time to learn who I was.
Sending you some positive energy GEF
Sorry for being windy.OMG this has got to be my longest reply ever.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 9, 2009)

It has all helped immensely....thank you. I have cut the ties with him over a year ago.....then he moved away and left a gift on my car for my children and a long note of apology for wrong doings. 

He was on the other side of the USA and I felt that it was "safe" to talk to him again. 

He's back here now....and I keep getting burned and blowing him off again. 

That's my angst.....I keep letting him talk to me...eventually. I need to change my numbers and if I hear from him again, I'm going to threaten a restraining order. 

What has been said about cutting all ties- it's true. I will also cut all possibilities of contact.....

Just hate feeling like I have taken six steps backwards.....when I keep trying to run forward. At least....I have not been compulsively eating. It's hard to "Live Normal", isn't it?


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## MizzSnakeBite (Sep 9, 2009)

This has happened to me. For me, its the whole "maybe they'll love me if I give or do x, y, z for them." This happened recently. I helped a guy out that was having problems, he was finally able to go home (in another state), and it was as if I never existed. After much thought, I cut him out of my life, no emails, IMs, phone calls, etc. Also, I'm doing something I've never done. Instead of just letting it go and him getting away with it, I'm going to make him pay. Literally. He's made excuses on why he hasn't repaid the loan, and I'm no longer taking them. He'll be sent a certified letter with copies of the bills, and if he doesn't pay me back, I'm taking him to small claims court. He thought he could take advantage of me, but that isn't happening again. I don't care to hear his sob stories; I have my own.


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## katherine22 (Sep 9, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It has all helped immensely....thank you. I have cut the ties with him over a year ago.....then he moved away and left a gift on my car for my children and a long note of apology for wrong doings.
> 
> He was on the other side of the USA and I felt that it was "safe" to talk to him again.
> 
> ...



Dear Caroline, Progress is never linear, a few steps forward a few steps back. You are a bright and attractive woman don't forget it!


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 9, 2009)

Yes, MizzSnakeBite....my ex has pulled that sympathy card on me more than once. Last time it was going into rehab and "wanting to change" blah blah blah.

His problems go beyond alcohol, I realize now. He was just born an asshole that hurts/uses people without a second thought. 

Lots of people in the world seem to be so content/comfortable in their usery. How do they live with themselves?


@Katherine- Thank you Sweetie. You are correct. It's not a straight line....it's more ability to keep on going


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## crayola box (Sep 9, 2009)

GreenEyedFairy:

The other night someone calling into Delilah (my love-hate relationship with the cheesy sappy blather that is the Delilah show is another story) spoke about her little brother being a drug addict, hurting the family etc. And in reply she told her the three C's of alanon. But I think it would apply to dealing with users and manipulators like this guy as well:

C#1 - you didn't CAUSE it
C#2- you can't CHANGE it (or in this case him)
C#3- you cannot CURE it

hmm i think perhaps the same thing can be said for assholes as can for bullies or addicts or whoever, they need that wakeup call that can only come from within and happens rarely and often too late, whether its getting a dose of their own medicine, hitting that brick wall, being beaten up, arrested whatever...though in each situation (since I do not know the specifics of yours) i think it holds true that actions speak louder than words, and saying you've changed or that you're sorry or that you love someone means nothing if the behavior stays the same

Ok clearly I've been listening too much broken hearted Delilah stories tonight - I'm going to step away from the radio now!


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## MizzSnakeBite (Sep 10, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yes, MizzSnakeBite....my ex has pulled that sympathy card on me more than once. Last time it was going into rehab and "wanting to change" blah blah blah.
> 
> His problems go beyond alcohol, I realize now. He was just born an asshole that hurts/uses people without a second thought.
> 
> ...


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 10, 2009)

MizzSnakeBite said:


> Everyone that knows me would attest to the fact that I never get riled up and will make ones life a living hell if they used me the way he did.



Isn't this still allowing him to have power over you? I'm all for the small claims court idea, if you loaned money and it hasn't been paid back. But to say that you'd make his life a living hell, still allows him to be in your life to a certain degree. You will spend time and energy doing things to hurt him that could be better spent doing something else. 

I've never understood that way of thinking, I'm more of a turn around and walk away girl. Cut them out of my life and don't let them back in any way, shape, or form. Its hard to do, but the easiest and less painful way to go in the long run.


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## Tracii (Sep 10, 2009)

I learned long ago NEVER loan money to a friend it seems to ruin the freindship.Now if you have a very dear friend that needs help financially for her kids or family I tell them its a "gift"and no need to repay.
If they choose to repay thats fine.
I'm fortunate to have money and to be able to help friends when they truly need it.


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## Miss Vickie (Sep 10, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> It has all helped immensely....thank you. I have cut the ties with him over a year ago.....then he moved away and left a gift on my car for my children and a long note of apology for wrong doings.
> 
> He was on the other side of the USA and I felt that it was "safe" to talk to him again.



It's amazing, even when someone is across the country, how they can have such a strong affect on you and hurt you, even from a distance. And having him move back is even worse.

I think you really need to cut ties - period - if you don't want the possibility of this happening to you again. I think that you're like me in that you think and hope that people can change. I think it's that hope that keeps us coming back, but really, while people can change I think think they should have to prove that they're different over the course of years before we can believe it. Otherwise, we're just being manipulated.  I'm sorry you were hurt, GEF. But don't blame yourself, because there's nothing wrong with trying to trust people.



> Just hate feeling like I have taken six steps backwards.....when I keep trying to run forward. At least....I have not been compulsively eating. It's hard to "Live Normal", isn't it?



Hey, just the awareness of what you need to do tells me that you haven't taken six steps backward. I think that it's hugely important that you realized that this person hurts and takes advantage of your kindness and that you want none of it. And yes, not taking it out on yourself with compulsive eating is a huge step forward.

I wish you the best, m'dear. You deserve it.


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## MizzSnakeBite (Sep 10, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Isn't this still allowing him to have power over you? I'm all for the small claims court idea, if you loaned money and it hasn't been paid back. But to say that you'd make his life a living hell, still allows him to be in your life to a certain degree. You will spend time and energy doing things to hurt him that could be better spent doing something else.
> 
> I've never understood that way of thinking, I'm more of a turn around and walk away girl. Cut them out of my life and don't let them back in any way, shape, or form. Its hard to do, but the easiest and less painful way to go in the long run.




No, he has no power over me. He takes from everyone (be it money,shelter (I allowed him to live here since he had no where else to go, and he had the gall to complain about the accommodations and not getting what he wanted to eat the entire time. He takes support and never gives anyone else support. Even his best friend said he used people.). 

I used to be the type that just lets people use me and then I'll walk away. That way of living wasn't working for *me*. By saying I'll be making his life a living hell, I meant taking him to court. He's used everyone and they've done nothing; he'll be quite surprised and pissed that me of all people is taking back what's theirs. He'll be pissed that he doesn't have power over me. He does over most, especially women. Seriously, for some odd reason, he thinks he was doing me a favor by just being around him. 

It's a long story, and the ones that know the entire story are very glad I'm not just letting him get away with it.

I won't allow him to charm his way back and squeeze into my life. Other than sending the documentation and papers for small claims court, I've cut him out and have had no communication with him. For once in my life I feel empowered. Instead of retreating into my shell, I'm taking charge and getting back what is mine and what we agreed to (he said he'd repay).

If it's just a bad relationship with a person, I just cut them out of my life and walk away. I have an aunt that is an alcoholic and is bipolar (and has decided not to take her meds). Being around her became toxic, and I'd just feel drained and just awful after spending or talking to her for a minimal amount of time. I decided to cut her out and walk away. Some have issue with me doing that to a family member, but I was doing what was best for me. When she was in my life she did some awful things to make my life difficult, and I just don't want to be around that type of person anymore; even if they're related to me. I have other more important things to deal with, such as my health. Because of a disorder I have, I have probably around 10 more years of life left. I don't want those 10 years being around that type of person. TMI??


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## MizzSnakeBite (Sep 10, 2009)

Tracii said:


> I learned long ago NEVER loan money to a friend it seems to ruin the freindship.Now if you have a very dear friend that needs help financially for her kids or family I tell them its a "gift"and no need to repay.
> If they choose to repay thats fine.
> I'm fortunate to have money and to be able to help friends when they truly need it.



Except for this situation, I'm the same way. This was an extreme situation. He was laid-off for quite a bit of time, ran out of his savings, and could no longer pay his rent. He literally would have been homeless. That's the only reason why I loaned the money to him. 

I've now learned the hard way that no matter what the situation is, don't loan money out that you cannot afford to lose.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Sep 10, 2009)

GEF you can do this...I know you can..Change your number,call the cops on him,do what ever you need to do to be free of him...It's the only way it will work...Sometimes a 22 rifle pointed in their face with a finger on the trigger works great too...<looks innocent>


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## littlefairywren (Sep 15, 2009)

I am sorry I did not read this thread earlier GEF, but I think I kind of know what you are talking about. 

I was married for 18 yrs and he was a heavy drinker and it made things so very hard. We kept doing this dance over and over, he would leave and then tell me he was sorry he would change because he loved me blah blah. I fell for it every time, and every time I would get hurt a little more and then feel like such a fool for wanting to believe him. That is what I kept doing, only thinking of what I wanted him to be I think. Not sure if I have gone off track....

Either way, now divorced (should have done it sooner) and just hope I am stronger for it. I know it does not offer you a solution but you are not alone


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## Ruffie (Sep 15, 2009)

GEF First of all *hugs*
I just want you to see the strength you posses. You have survived all the things in your life because of it. It has shaped and molded you into a wonderful woman that deserves the best. Having said that then girl time to go after the best. You know inside what it is you want to do/say that will serve you. No more cowering before your potential it doesn't serve you. Take action in the way that you know in your heart you have to, you cannot control how others will react, but you can control your reaction to them. By your posts I can see what it is you want to do. So just letting you know you do have the power to make the changes you want. You go girl!


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## graceofangels (Sep 15, 2009)

fatgirlflyin said:


> Isn't this still allowing him to have power over you? I'm all for the small claims court idea, if you loaned money and it hasn't been paid back. But to say that you'd make his life a living hell, still allows him to be in your life to a certain degree. You will spend time and energy doing things to hurt him that could be better spent doing something else.
> 
> I've never understood that way of thinking, I'm more of a turn around and walk away girl. Cut them out of my life and don't let them back in any way, shape, or form. Its hard to do, but the easiest and less painful way to go in the long run.



I'm the same way. I cut the person out of my life. The hard part is the first two weeks, but after it's no problem. Block their number, change yours if you have to, don't let them bait you. They'll do and say anything to get a reaction from you, to get you to stay in touch. That's what they want. So when needed, they have you in the back pocket.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 15, 2009)

Thank you so much for your help and support. I did have another convo with him....and told him I'd get a restraining order if he contacted me again. He seemed taken aback.... 
I told his GM the same. 

F*ck him.....but I'm glad this happened because I'm thinking it's going to serve as a catalyst for me to make some more of those life changes I need.  

In a way, it's all the past jerks that make tomorrow better.


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## mossystate (Sep 15, 2009)

I bet he was taken aback.

Good for you, Greenie.


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## BubbleButtBabe (Sep 16, 2009)

Good for you GEF...You have hit 40 so you will begin to reevaluate your life and things that once mattered wont and things that should have mattered will..It happens to us all...When you get in your late 40's you will say what ever is on your mind because you wont feel like holding back..


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## MizzSnakeBite (Sep 21, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Thank you so much for your help and support. I did have another convo with him....and told him I'd get a restraining order if he contacted me again. He seemed taken aback....
> I told his GM the same.
> 
> F*ck him.....but I'm glad this happened because I'm thinking it's going to serve as a catalyst for me to make some more of those life changes I need.
> ...




ROFL I bet he was taken aback after years of controlling you! Way to go!!!! :bow:


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## Linda (Sep 22, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> such as myself allow past abusive people in my life keep hurting me?
> 
> If it keeps happening, then it's on me....all of it. I'm not excusing the abuser/wrongdoer.....just asking....how does a person get out of these cycles? How does a person change to something stronger?
> 
> ...




I think it is because it's familiar. Familiar=comfortable. Taking a step into the unknown is uncomfortable and scary. I myself was caught in this vicious cycle for far too long until I figure out it was all my fault. 

I stand up taller, I put a smile on my face and I make sure I remind myself every single day that I am worth it and that life can be great. I also force myself to do something new and scary every single day. no matter how small it is. And to tell you the truth...it's working.


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 22, 2009)

Linda said:


> I think it is because it's familiar. Familiar=comfortable. Taking a step into the unknown is uncomfortable and scary. I myself was caught in this vicious cycle for far too long until I figure out it was all my fault.
> 
> I stand up taller, I put a smile on my face and I make sure I remind myself every single day that I am worth it and that life can be great. *I also force myself to do something new and scary every single day. no matter how small it is. And to tell you the truth...it's working. *



I really liked that part, thank you


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## ToniTails (Sep 23, 2009)

i don't agree that it's all on you--- this is really easy to say when i am speaking to someone else, but i say the same thing to myself--- get over it--- its in the past--- but somehow it isn't--- it always hurts

i still haven't found the answer myself, but i think maybe the answer is to never give up looking and trying to find a way--- i think having that goal is important as long as you dont give up on it

i know its hard--- and i send lots of love your way


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## pjbbwlvr (Sep 23, 2009)

Caroline, you are one very intelligent lady you always do what is best for your and your kids! People don't change, not very much anyway, so born an asshole they will die one too! You have to want to change and some just don't care. If I can be of any help to you never hesitate to reach out to me.
Take care sweety, Paul



Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Yes, MizzSnakeBite....my ex has pulled that sympathy card on me more than once. Last time it was going into rehab and "wanting to change" blah blah blah.
> 
> His problems go beyond alcohol, I realize now. He was just born an asshole that hurts/uses people without a second thought.
> 
> ...


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 23, 2009)

00 toni lynn 00 said:


> i don't agree that it's all on you--- this is really easy to say when i am speaking to someone else, but i say the same thing to myself--- get over it--- its in the past--- but somehow it isn't--- it always hurts
> 
> i still haven't found the answer myself, but i think maybe the answer is to never give up looking and trying to find a way--- i think having that goal is important as long as you dont give up on it
> 
> i know its hard--- and i send lots of love your way





pjbbwlvr said:


> Caroline, you are one very intelligent lady you always do what is best for your and your kids! People don't change, not very much anyway, so born an asshole they will die one too! You have to want to change and some just don't care. If I can be of any help to you never hesitate to reach out to me.
> Take care sweety, Paul



Thanks so much for caring/responding, both of you. What nice people I have found on the internet...nicer than some I have met in my reality. 
You are both so very kind  :bow:


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