# FA needs help with wife



## pallard99 (Feb 26, 2010)

I've been married for over 12 years to my wife. Her weight has gone up and down usually from 190 to 240 lbs. She always tries to diet and does not like the way she looks when she gets too heavy. I have been a closet FA for all my life. I finally told her that I like her big and she got really upset and thinks I am sick. This has caused a lot of strain in our marriage. We have 3 kids and I don't believe in walking out. I know a lot of people who would just say forget it and move on but I just can't. 

Are there any FA men like me who have found a way to cope with this? I get obsessed watching what she eats and get mad when I know she is trying to diet. This has caused some OCD in me! I think about her losing weight all the time and get anxiety over it. 

Also, when I see other SSBBW's in public I go nuts! This also causes me anxiety because I know I can't approach and ask them out (because I'm married). How do other FA men cope with these feelings?


----------



## Melian (Feb 26, 2010)

If you're going to pretend to not be attracted to fat women for 12 years, why are you so shocked by your wife's reaction to your admission?

That's not meant to be rude or insulting, btw. Try to empathize with her for one second: she's thinking, "I hate my body when I hit this weight, so why does he supposedly love it all of a sudden?" She probably feels trapped right now.

Did you love her and find her sexy at 190? Chances are that you did, since you've been together for so long, so maybe you should focus on helping her get back to that comfortable weight. If she feels attractive, it will probably de-stress the marriage A LOT.


----------



## Jes (Feb 26, 2010)

hi. I haven't been in your position, so let me state that right up front. But i think all sorts of things cause anxiety in relationships. I don't want to pathologize you, but you're the one who used the term OCD to describe his behavior, so I think something you might want to look into is some therapy. I'm not calling you crazy, but I am saying that you have to make sure you clean up your side of the street in your marriage. You can only do 50% and your wife will have to do the other 50%. You can't control her, so start on your half right now!

also, the FA board might be a good place for you to spend some time. Others deal with these issues (it seems that everyone in Fatdom has, some days...) and so you might want to read what others have to say. I'm sure you'll find some good things to consider.


----------



## Elfcat (Feb 26, 2010)

I would assume that she wants to stay in this marriage as well. I would say your task is to show her that your truth is not sick. And both words and deeds count. Ask her if she really wants you to stop being affectionate with her when she is heavier. If she says no, then be affectionate with her! Let her know it is safe to be where she is. Pour your love into it, and when she shows you the love in her eyes, ask her if this is really as sick as she said.

I mean really. You don't want to give up and walk away. You want to tell her, "This is me. This is the truth. What will you do, walk out on me and find, who exactly? Either a man who hates you when you're heavy, or someone who is just like me. What have you got to lose? Really, what HAVE you got to lose?"


----------



## TraciJo67 (Feb 26, 2010)

Elfcat said:


> I would assume that she wants to stay in this marriage as well. I would say your task is to show her that your truth is not sick. And both words and deeds count. Ask her if she really wants you to stop being affectionate with her when she is heavier. If she says no, then be affectionate with her! Let her know it is safe to be where she is. Pour your love into it, and when she shows you the love in her eyes, ask her if this is really as sick as she said.
> 
> I mean really. You don't want to give up and walk away. You want to tell her, "This is me. This is the truth. What will you do, walk out on me and find, who exactly? *Either a man who hates you when you're heavy, or someone who is just like me*. What have you got to lose? Really, what HAVE you got to lose?"


 
Not quibbling with the rest of your post, or with the general advise given to the OP. But this line bothers me. I'd hope that the OP and his wife would make an effort to stay together, both for themselves and for their family, if at all possible. But saying this to his wife? No. It's not even true. There are people, a lot of people, who just don't have preferences that are set in stone one way or the other. But aside from that, I don't think that anyone would like having what they consider a weakness (in his wife's case, her size) flung out there as the object of a verbal weapon. Sounds too close to "You may as well stay with me because you're not good enough for anyone else".


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 26, 2010)

I've been married for 12 years and have 3 kids. I've always been an FA and love women in the 300-400lb range. My wife though, is around 230lb and is always trying to lose despite telling her I like her weight. I didn't marry her because of her weight but over the years I have accepted the fact that the weight attraction is very important to me. 

How do other married FA's keep the marriage going when they know there partner doesn't enjoy the weight? This has caused major anxiety for me. I tend to watch what she eats and worry she is loosing. How do others control there emotions when the see a hot ssbbw in public? This again causes me anxiety because my natural response is to want to talk with them! Maybe this is more about being married than my physical attraction to every bbw I see! I don't feel walk away from a relationship especially when there are kids involved is worth my own needs. Especially over something so superficial but I was wondering how other FA's cope. Any advice?


----------



## toni (Feb 26, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I've been married for over 12 years to my wife. Her weight has gone up and down usually from 190 to 240 lbs. She always tries to diet and does not like the way she looks when she gets too heavy. I have been a closet FA for all my life. I finally told her that I like her big and she got really upset and thinks I am sick. This has caused a lot of strain in our marriage. We have 3 kids and I don't believe in walking out. I know a lot of people who would just say forget it and move on but I just can't.
> 
> Are there any FA men like me who have found a way to cope with this? I get obsessed watching what she eats and get mad when I know she is trying to diet. This has caused some OCD in me! I think about her losing weight all the time and get anxiety over it.
> 
> Also, when I see other SSBBW's in public I go nuts! This also causes me anxiety because I know I can't approach and ask them out (because I'm married). How do other FA men cope with these feelings?



Have you cheated on her yet?


----------



## toni (Feb 26, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> How do other FA men cope with these feelings?



REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?

Maybe FA's shouldn't marry thin chicks when they want super sized ones. 

I would think that would be the best way to cope.


----------



## sowhat (Feb 26, 2010)

toni said:


> Maybe FA's shouldn't marry thin chicks when they want super sized ones.



Holy s*** that's good advice. It's stupid that people need it spelled out, but they really do.

Be supportive of your wife either way on her diet. Being there for each other means sometimes ignoring your own interest in the situation.


----------



## mossystate (Feb 26, 2010)

I know that someone getting obsessive over what I am doing..and getting mad.....I know that just makes me want to understand them and work on stuff. Ummmmm. And, the moving on thing might not end up being your call. Just saying.


----------



## siren_ (Feb 27, 2010)

Sounds like you are just tired of being married. :/ Are you sure you're less attracted to her because she's loosing weight? Is that REALLY the reason? And not an excuse? Most people, not just FAs get kinda excited when they see someone especially attractive. You just kinda notice and move on. Maybe you're mind is wandering to other women because you're current romance is fizzling. I think a romantic getaway is in order! Also, chocolate. Women can't resist it and um it pretty much kills any diet.


----------



## steely (Feb 28, 2010)

toni said:


> REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?
> 
> Maybe FA's shouldn't marry thin chicks when they want super sized ones.
> 
> I would think that would be the best way to cope.



I never can rep when I want to but consider yourself repped!


----------



## Jes (Feb 28, 2010)

Elfcat said:


> I mean really. You don't want to give up and walk away. You want to tell her, "This is me. This is the truth. What will you do, walk out on me and find, who exactly? Either a man who hates you when you're heavy, or someone who is just like me. What have you got to lose? Really, what HAVE you got to lose?"



Keep in mind that in the scenario the OP presents, he's the only one thinking about walking away. we don't know what his wife is thinking.


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 28, 2010)

So to clear up some questons .. I have not cheated. We've had issues with the relationship since day one (in my opinion). I really don't feel a lot of love coming from her. She has a hot temper and loves to argue. Over time I think I just developed a resentment towards her. It's hard to love someone if they make you angry most of the time. So yes, part of it is the relationship and the other is the fact that I don't like her losing weight. I think in my mind at least if I was attracted to her I can stay in the relationship. We have kids though and I won't leave. I guess I should work on the relationship and keep my FA attraction a fantasy. BTW, we have had marriage counseling and both agreed to work on things but it seems things go back to the way they were.


----------



## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

toni said:


> REALLY? REALLY? REALLY?
> 
> Maybe FA's shouldn't marry thin chicks when they want super sized ones.
> 
> I would think that would be the best way to cope.



i think he's figured that out by now

maybe he has 3 posts total and you're yelling in his ear


----------



## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> So to clear up some questons .. I have not cheated. We've had issues with the relationship since day one (in my opinion). I really don't feel a lot of love coming from her. She has a hot temper and loves to argue. Over time I think I just developed a resentment towards her. It's hard to love someone if they make you angry most of the time.



i think this much is enough to warrant "irreconcilable differences" regardless of any FA shit


----------



## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

if only gay men used support forums to get back at people who've been closeted their whole lives' amirite


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> So to clear up some questons .. I have not cheated. *We've had issues with the relationship since day one (in my opinion). I really don't feel a lot of love coming from her. *She has a hot temper and loves to argue. Over time I think I just developed a resentment towards her. It's hard to love someone if they make you angry most of the time. So yes, part of it is the relationship and the other is the fact that I don't like her losing weight. I think in my mind at least if I was attracted to her I can stay in the relationship. We have kids though and I won't leave. I guess I should work on the relationship and keep my FA attraction a fantasy. BTW, we have had marriage counseling and both agreed to work on things but it seems things go back to the way they were.



Then why did you marry her in the first place? Love has to be a two way street. She's not giving it to you and it sounds like you didn't even find her attractive in the first place since she isn't the body type you want so where was the love that lead to a marriage? Sounds like you both settled. That's just what I've gathered from your 3 posts.


----------



## Blockierer (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> . I have been a closet FA for all my life. .


What I guess is, you know exactly what your problem is.
Your problem is not your dieting wife, its you own thinking. What a bummer!


----------



## toni (Feb 28, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> i think he's figured that out by now
> 
> maybe he has 3 posts total and you're yelling in his ear



Oh yeah, let me give him a hug. 

Do you know the pain he is putting on his family? He doesn't want to be with his wife but because he was not man enough to be with a fat chick he lives a miserable life. After he married her and saw it was not right he could have left. Did he do that? Nope, he went on and had 3 kids with her. 

Sorry, no sympathy here.


----------



## toni (Feb 28, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> if only gay men used support forums to get back at people who've been closeted their whole lives' amirite



NO one is getting back at him. He came here and asked for support on how to continue LIVING A LIE.


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 28, 2010)

I'm not exactly living a lie! She is my body type BTW! When I met her she was around 200lb at 5'5. Not a SSBBW but very cute chunky girl. Like I said before, I didn't marry her because of her weight but that certainly helped because that's what I find attractive. We also did get along when we met. She did have a hot temper though and I should have caught that. I know we need to work on the temper and how we get along. Why I'm on this board is to ask other FA's how they deal with being married to someone who no longer want's to keep the weight on. I know whe wants to lose at least 30-40lbs. It's hard with all the other trouble we have to see her lose. I know if I really cared for her it shouldn't matter. Finally, when I met my wife I wasn't aware of these forums or even had a computer! I wasn't aware there were other FA's like me out in the world! I can tell her a dozen times that I like her curvy and she will flat out tell me tough! She tells me it's her body and I can't tell her what to do (or eat). So it put's me in a bind! We met and she was curvy, later she no longer likes the weight and want to change. I havent changed though, I still like the curves! I guess I am just screwed.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 28, 2010)

Pallard, I think that any time we have an unhealthy, obsessive (your word, not mine) interest in our partner's behavior that causes us anxiety (again, your word, not mine), it's a good idea to seek professional help. This doesn't make you a bad person but clearly you have issues with her body which, coupled with her issues, cause problems in the marriage. 

Marriage counseling is great, but if you weren't open about your feelings about her weight, then it's no wonder it "it didn't work". Plus, it's not a cure all. As you said, you stopped doing the skills you learned and it went back to how it was before. It takes a commitment from both people to make forever-changes in order to make it work. What I suspect happened is that you worked on some of the behavioral stuff in counseling but didn't look at the deeper issues, at least not deeply enough to effect change. And yeah, you gotta keep working on it. Marriage is tough, especially with kids.

As to your wife's temper could it be that she's angry about your obsession with her size/eating? Even if you just told her recently, people aren't stupid and if you live with someone, they're bound to pick up on things. If you're really so obsessed with what she eats, it's hard to hide that, you know? Body images are funny things, and the last thing she needs is you complicating hers by telling her what YOU want and getting mad about the changes SHE wants. It's her body, I'm sorry to say, and you expressing your opinion is probably not helping the situation. 

My advice? As a non-FA but as a woman who has faced her own issues? Work on your own shit, figure out what you want, and don't impose your opinions about her body on her, _unless she asks_. If you love her, support her in coming to terms with her body because that will benefit you BOTH. And think about counseling together, but only if you can both be totally open and honest.

Good luck!


----------



## Seraphina (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> She tells me it's her body and I can't tell her what to do (or eat). So it put's me in a bind! <snip> I guess I am just screwed.



Yup she's right, it's her body and you can't tell her what size to be or what to eat. So yeah you're in a bind and it's tough.

Have you tried supporting her to be what she wants instead of whining you aren't getting what you want? Maybe then she'd be more inclined to see your point of view because quite frankly I wouldn't want to compromise with a man who only cared about what he wanted from a relationship.


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 28, 2010)

Yes, I agree with you. I am having issues with the marriage. I don't feel a lot of love and affection from her. I'm sure that plays into my anxiety when I see other BBW's. If I were totally happy then I would still notice other women but like you say move on.


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 28, 2010)

I have never tried supporting her in losing weight. I guess I feel that I would be living a lie! Maybe I should learn to keep my fantasy life seperate from my marriage! Never tried this. I need to do or try something! It's really hard living in a house with someone who you don't even want to talk to!


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

You also need to look at it this way. Do you love her as a person or do you love her for her fat? When she loses weight she isn't losing her personality. It might actually make her happier which for your relationship would be a big positive. However, if you love her b/c of her fat. Well, that is just treating her like an object. Not a person at all. Love her for WHO she is not WHAT she is.


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I have never tried supporting her in losing weight. I guess I feel that I would be living a lie! *Maybe I should learn to keep my fantasy life seperate from my marriage! *Never tried this. I need to do or try something! It's really hard living in a house with someone who you don't even want to talk to!



What part of being an FA is fantasy? BBW's and SSBBW's are not mythical creatures we are real people with real feelings.


Also this is just out of pure curiosity....why do you have this same exact thread in multiple places?


----------



## toni (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> Maybe I should learn to keep my fantasy life seperate from my marriage! Never tried this. I need to do or try something! It's really hard living in a house with someone who you don't even want to talk to!




Dude, you need to leave her. I am saying that very sincerely. All fat stuff aside, you are not happy. If you don't want to talk to someone that you live with, it is time to pack it up. 


My thoughts on your other issue:
Your fantasy and your marriage should be one. If she can't be the size you want her to be there are many ways to get around that. You can set up play feedings, she can join a paysite with you, talk up your fantasies. All that could be enough to keep your needs met. If she is not willing to do it, please see above paragraph.


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 28, 2010)

I noticed after I posted this I should have done it in the FA board not the Main board. My wife has told me time and time again she doesn't understand the attaction to bigger women. I've tried to explain it and she says I am lying. She thinks I want her to gain weight to hurt her and make her miserable. I just can't get her to understand.


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I noticed after I posted this I should have done it in the FA board not the Main board. My wife has told me time and time again she doesn't understand the attaction to bigger women. I've tried to explain it and she says I am lying. She thinks I want her to gain weight to hurt her and make her miserable. I just can't get her to understand.



So she doesn't understand why you are attracted to her....your wife? I thought that was part of the deal when you marry somebody. You are supposed to be attracted to one another.

Sounds like she has some major trust issues with you too. Not something that is part of a healthy marriage either. 

Did you tell her you were an FA or did you tell her you were a Feeder?


----------



## Seraphina (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> She thinks I want her to gain weight to hurt her and make her miserable. I just can't get her to understand.



This sounds like it is about an awful lot more than her weight. If you were in a happy relationship she certainly wouldn't think you were trying to hurt her by wanting her to gain (or not to lose) weight. She might say she didn't want to or that she thought it strange - which would be her perogative - but she wouldn't think that it was you deliberately being hurtful.

You obviously have some very serious issues in your marriage, perhaps you need to fix those before you even deal with the weight stuff, because for lots of women comfort with their weight - whatever it is - is about trust and clearly your wife doesn't trust you.

Seriously think about relationship counselling, not because you want her to be fat but because without it you are not going to have a marriage, and I am assuming that you love her enough to want to be her husband whether she is fat or thin - if you don't then I suggest you see a lawyer.


----------



## Flutterby68 (Feb 28, 2010)

HER body. If she wants to lose weight, that is her right. And what's more, she has EVERY right to have her body be the size that she wants it to be... and you have no say over it. 

I would say to you the very same thing I've said to men who whine "my wife has gained 50 lbs since we married, and I just don't get turned on by her anymore...." WAHHHHH FUCKING WAHHHHH. It's not ABOUT you. What ever happened to loving the person through good times and bad, sickness and health? Loving the PERSON she is should be the important thing, not the size/shape of the skin she is in. 

And honestly.. if you can't find it in you to be attracted to her based on her weight loss, by all means leave her so she can heal and find someone who will love her for who she is rather than what he wants her to be.


----------



## Dr. Feelgood (Feb 28, 2010)

The only way I know of to keep a marriage going is to focus on your partner instead of yourself. This is totally contrary to human nature, of course, but I promise you that it works. Instead of asking whether you are fulfilled, ask yourself what you can do to make your wife feel fulfilled. Don't just tell her you love her (although you should do this often -- every day isn't too much), _show_ her! And show _the kids_ that you love her! What can you do? Well...you could send her flowers sometimes, for no reason. When the two of you are alone in an elevator, you could grab her and kiss her. You could hold her hand when you're at the supermarket. But I'm sure you can think of a lot of other things even better than this. The point is, the more you think about her, the happier she'll be; and the less you think about _you_, the happier _you'll_ be. I don't know why it works that way, but it does: my wife and I have been married 27 years, and the honeymoon isn't over yet.:smitten:


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

Flutterby68 said:


> HER body. If she wants to lose weight, that is her right. And what's more, she has EVERY right to have her body be the size that she wants it to be... and you have no say over it.
> 
> I would say to you the very same thing I've said to men who whine "my wife has gained 50 lbs since we married, and I just don't get turned on by her anymore...." WAHHHHH FUCKING WAHHHHH. It's not ABOUT you. What ever happened to loving the person through good times and bad, sickness and health? Loving the PERSON she is should be the important thing, not the size/shape of the skin she is in.
> 
> And honestly.. if you can't find it in you to be attracted to her based on her weight loss, by all means leave her so she can heal and find someone who will love her for who she is rather than what he wants her to be.



You said it much better than I did...Thank you!


----------



## CPProp (Feb 28, 2010)

Just wondering if the OP knows the real reasons why his wife diets  my wife used to keep dieting. She was about 250lbs when married and she repeatedly gained and lost up to about 50lbs over the years (30 in all). I always assumed she dieted because she wanted to be healthy and attractive (although Id always let her know how attractive she was when she gained and when she lost). Like you, I was not happy at the beginning of each diet phase, but each time realised Id rather have her around than dead. 
So knowing she was healthy (can count the number of Dr visits on two hands over the 30 years ) about ten years ago I actually asked her what was the reason for the diets  the reply was not one I expected - It was because she wanted to be cremated and the crematoriums could not handle anyone over 280 lbs so she dieted to keep under that weight. At least I knew why, even if I was totally dumfounded, but dually accepted this. 

Sorry this is so long winded but I just wondered if the OPs wife had similar objectives for her dieting. When my wife died 3 years ago she was 260 lbs so she was able to be cremated which satisfied her aim, the sad thing was that her death was not even weight related.


----------



## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

toni said:


> Oh yeah, let me give him a hug.
> 
> Do you know the pain he is putting on his family? He doesn't want to be with his wife but because he was not man enough to be with a fat chick he lives a miserable life. After he married her and saw it was not right he could have left. Did he do that? Nope, he went on and had 3 kids with her.
> 
> Sorry, no sympathy here.



i'm sure he had three kids with her out of total malice too, just to sweeten the pot after she dared to slim down on him so his departure could fuck her over that much extra


----------



## toni (Feb 28, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> i'm sure he had three kids with her out of total malice too, just to sweeten the pot after she dared to slim down on him so his departure could fuck her over that much extra



I don't care why he did it, he still did it. There is a lot of potential to cause hurt because of his selfishness. I save my sympathy for better causes.


----------



## pallard99 (Feb 28, 2010)

My wife diets because she says its for her health. I dont think she likes getting to 240lbs either because she doesnt like the way she feels. If I could learn to shut up and just let her do what she wants, she would probably just put the weight back on anyway! It's hard to just stand by and see it happen. I think I've come to the conclusion that this is probably going to repeat itself over and over for our entire marriage and I need to just accept the cycle. I think we need to work on being more affectionate towards each other and maybe I wont make the appearance thing so important. I think sometimes because I dont feel the affection from her I focus more on her looks.


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> My wife diets because she says its for her health. I dont think she likes getting to 240lbs either because she doesnt like the way she feels. If I could learn to shut up and just let her do what she wants, she would probably just put the weight back on anyway! It's hard to just stand by and see it happen. I think I've come to the conclusion that this is probably going to repeat itself over and over for our entire marriage and I need to just accept the cycle. I think we need to work on being more affectionate towards each other and maybe I wont make the appearance thing so important. I think sometimes because I dont feel the affection from her I focus more on her looks.



So you would rather see her fat and possibly unhealthy rather than want her to be a healthy person for both herself and your three children? And on top of it secretly hope that if she does diet that she will just get fatter because that is what YOU want? That is extremely selfish of you. 

Why can't you support your wife in wanting to be the best person she wants to be? I am sure if you wanted to do something to better yourself she would support it.


----------



## indy500tchr (Feb 28, 2010)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> The only way I know of to keep a marriage going is to focus on your partner instead of yourself. This is totally contrary to human nature, of course, but I promise you that it works. Instead of asking whether you are fulfilled, ask yourself what you can do to make your wife feel fulfilled. Don't just tell her you love her (although you should do this often -- every day isn't too much), _show_ her! And show _the kids_ that you love her! What can you do? Well...you could send her flowers sometimes, for no reason. When the two of you are alone in an elevator, you could grab her and kiss her. You could hold her hand when you're at the supermarket. But I'm sure you can think of a lot of other things even better than this. The point is, the more you think about her, the happier she'll be; and the less you think about _you_, the happier _you'll_ be. I don't know why it works that way, but it does: my wife and I have been married 27 years, and the honeymoon isn't over yet.:smitten:



Please listen to what this wonderful man just said!


----------



## chicken legs (Feb 28, 2010)

Pallard99 how big was your wife when you married? 

and you do realize that looks do change over time.


----------



## exile in thighville (Feb 28, 2010)

toni said:


> I don't care why he did it, he still did it. There is a lot of potential to cause hurt because of his selfishness. I save my sympathy for better causes.



his selfishness in marrying someone he loved for reasons besides physical attraction?


----------



## toni (Mar 1, 2010)

exile in thighville said:


> his selfishness in marrying someone he loved for reasons besides physical attraction?



He said he he has been a closeted FA his whole life. He knew he was not that into her but married her anyway. He knew she was not what he wanted but stayed anyway. NOW HE IS MISERABLE. What don't you get?


----------



## exile in thighville (Mar 1, 2010)

the relish in gutting him further. he knows he's fucked.


----------



## Jes (Mar 1, 2010)

indy500tchr said:


> What part of being an FA is fantasy? BBW's and SSBBW's are not mythical creatures we are real people with real feelings.
> 
> ?



Well that's exactly right. We're real people with real good and bad days and we're just as likely to not be interested in you as we are to be interested in you. Or to yell at you for leaving socks on the floor. Or to never refill the ice tray. Or to have a terrible temper. Or to have an overbearing mother that we talk to on the phone at least 4 times a day. Or to make fun of you when you're down. Or to NOT do any of those things. KNow what I mean? Being fat and attractive to you doesn't ever guarantee we'd be a better match than your current partner. 

There have been a lot of FAs whose posts have read: The perfect woman for me is 400 lbs! Or I saw a perfect woman today at the mall and I wish I could be her boyfriend! Uh... yeah maybe, 'til you realize she's like everyone else and not a good match for you, or whatever it is. Keep that in mind. The fat isn't always greener on the other side. (Or the grass isn't always fatter...which one works better?  )


----------



## pallard99 (Mar 1, 2010)

I know I've taken a beating posting this but I think I got some great advice! I don't think leaving the relationship is the best answer. After talking with each other last night I think we both realized we are not showing affection towards each other at all. Over time, you just grow distant and feel unloved. At least for me that is what happened. On top of not showing affection, the constant complaining and temper towards me really topped it off! After a while you just become roommates raising kids together and barely getting along. This is why I am always looking to leave or looking at other BBW's in public. Like you say, thinking that the grass is greener with someone else. The grass might be greener for a short period with someone new but I would leave a trail of disaster for my wife and kids! Seems very selfish. I know it is also selfish to want her to keep gaining and being unhappy. This is something that I know I need to work on. To be honest, it also doesn't help looking at all the BBW and SSBBW sites on the internet! This just leads me to want someone like that! I need to love who I have and learn to treat her better. I don't think it will happen overnight but I am going to try.


----------



## Seraphina (Mar 1, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I need to love who I have and learn to treat her better. I don't think it will happen overnight but I am going to try.



Yup that is sure true. 

Just be kind to each other and really consider relationship counselling, believe me it is really, really good.

good luck


----------



## toni (Mar 1, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I know I've taken a beating posting this but I think I got some great advice! I don't think leaving the relationship is the best answer. After talking with each other last night I think we both realized we are not showing affection towards each other at all. Over time, you just grow distant and feel unloved. At least for me that is what happened. On top of not showing affection, the constant complaining and temper towards me really topped it off! After a while you just become roommates raising kids together and barely getting along. This is why I am always looking to leave or looking at other BBW's in public. Like you say, thinking that the grass is greener with someone else. The grass might be greener for a short period with someone new but I would leave a trail of disaster for my wife and kids! Seems very selfish. I know it is also selfish to want her to keep gaining and being unhappy. This is something that I know I need to work on. To be honest, it also doesn't help looking at all the BBW and SSBBW sites on the internet! This just leads me to want someone like that! I need to love who I have and learn to treat her better. I don't think it will happen overnight but I am going to try.



Good luck with that...


----------



## Mies (Mar 1, 2010)

I understand that this is a protected forum:

"This forum is intended to be serious and civil, dedicated to helping male and female FAs with real life issues. In general, the hope is that discussion is kept free  flowing, *mutually supportive and positive*."


----------



## TraciJo67 (Mar 1, 2010)

Mies, I don't think that it does the OP any favors to soothe and pander to him. Maybe he really needs to hear these things. I've stumbled across a few poor, misunderstood 'gents' who took a kindness to mean that I'm open to some kind of affair, be that online or otherwise. It's disheartening in its own way because I've grown suspicious of any man who will share details of his personal life with me. I don't have that same wariness about women. But it always starts with the same thing: My wife just doesn't understand me. We're just so unhappy but I can't leave her because of XYZ. I have no problem with shutting the conversation down altogether at that point, lest nude pics find their unsolicited way to my inbox. Perhaps if I were single, or unhappy myself, I could be drawn in. Well, no. I'm still not stupid. 

Point is, I suspect that this post is more of the same. I don't know that for sure, OP -- and I'm not outright accusing you of anything. Just saying, it has a calculated whiff of "I'm desperately unhappy and I want someone to tell me it's OK to do what I'm fairly set on doing anyway." Even if this isn't what I suspect it is, it's still asking for advise, and as a woman, I find it very difficult to empathize (or sympathize) with him at all. For the exact reasons already stated by Toni, Mossy, and others.


----------



## Scorsese86 (Mar 1, 2010)

toni said:


> Oh yeah, let me give him a hug.



He'd love that.


----------



## Mies (Mar 1, 2010)

The fact that you came here for advice shows that you care enough for your wife to want to work it out. You'd rather be happy with her, but just don't know how. I was in a similar situation with my wife a number of years ago. We tried marriage counseling, and it worked. Your emotions are not "wrong" - everyone wants to have their desires fulfilled - but there are limits to what you can expect from your partner. You may appreciate the help that a counselor can give in understanding those limits and how to deal with them, even though they will entail some compromise on your part. 

The best advice I ever heard was: "You loved her enough to marry her, didn't you? Find that love again." The rest won't matter after that.


----------



## Mies (Mar 1, 2010)

TraciJo67 said:


> Mies, I don't think that it does the OP any favors to soothe and pander to him. Maybe he really needs to hear these things. I've stumbled across a few poor, misunderstood 'gents' who took a kindness to mean that I'm open to some kind of affair, be that online or otherwise. It's disheartening in its own way because I've grown suspicious of any man who will share details of his personal life with me. I don't have that same wariness about women. But it always starts with the same thing: My wife just doesn't understand me. We're just so unhappy but I can't leave her because of XYZ. I have no problem with shutting the conversation down altogether at that point, lest nude pics find their unsolicited way to my inbox. Perhaps if I were single, or unhappy myself, I could be drawn in. Well, no. I'm still not stupid.
> 
> Point is, I suspect that this post is more of the same. I don't know that for sure, OP -- and I'm not outright accusing you of anything. Just saying, it has a calculated whiff of "I'm desperately unhappy and I want someone to tell me it's OK to do what I'm fairly set on doing anyway." Even if this isn't what I suspect it is, it's still asking for advise, and as a woman, I find it very difficult to empathize (or sympathize) with him at all. For the exact reasons already stated by Toni, Mossy, and others.



Suit yourself. I'd rather give the man the benefit of the doubt.


----------



## Scorsese86 (Mar 1, 2010)

Mies said:


> The best advice I ever heard was: "You loved her enough to marry her, didn't you? Find that love again." The rest won't matter after that.



I concur. Listen to experience.


----------



## TraciJo67 (Mar 1, 2010)

Mies said:


> Suit yourself. I'd rather give the man the benefit of the doubt.


 
Who knows? Maybe you're right.

I did like the advise that you offered, very much. Hopefully, OP will consider it.


----------



## mossystate (Mar 1, 2010)

Mies said:


> I understand that this is a protected forum:
> 
> "This forum is intended to be serious and civil, dedicated to helping male and female FAs with real life issues. In general, the hope is that discussion is kept free  flowing, *mutually supportive and positive*."



The OP had started this thread on the Main Board, where anybody is allowed to comment and they don't have to keep strong opinions to themselves. Mods might be the ones to talk to, so that some of the straight talk could be removed.


----------



## disconnectedsmile (Mar 1, 2010)

toni said:


> Maybe FA's shouldn't marry thin chicks when they want super sized ones.
> 
> I would think that would be the best way to cope.


it works for me.


----------



## pallard99 (Mar 1, 2010)

Nope, I didn't come here to cheat! I've been reading these boards for years. I just wanted advice from other FA's in my situation. We have tried counseling and it didn't really work. The counselors I spoke with were not aware of the whole FA, BBW attraction thing. They really couldnt understand why I would like my wife heavy. I felt the only good advice is from someone who is like me, thus my post. I was correct in posting this because I feel like I got accurate advice. I like hearing from fellow FA's and BBW's how they felt in similar situations. My outlook has changed because of it. I think I will continue to post questions where before I was to afraid and I kept it all in my head! I actually feel liberated to get this off my chest.


----------



## Weirdo890 (Mar 1, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I've been married for over 12 years to my wife. Her weight has gone up and down usually from 190 to 240 lbs. She always tries to diet and does not like the way she looks when she gets too heavy. I have been a closet FA for all my life. I finally told her that I like her big and she got really upset and thinks I am sick. This has caused a lot of strain in our marriage. We have 3 kids and I don't believe in walking out. I know a lot of people who would just say forget it and move on but I just can't.
> 
> Are there any FA men like me who have found a way to cope with this? I get obsessed watching what she eats and get mad when I know she is trying to diet. This has caused some OCD in me! I think about her losing weight all the time and get anxiety over it.
> 
> Also, when I see other SSBBW's in public I go nuts! This also causes me anxiety because I know I can't approach and ask them out (because I'm married). How do other FA men cope with these feelings?



I hope you can solve this problem and find happiness.


----------



## chicken legs (Mar 1, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> Nope, I didn't come here to cheat! I've been reading these boards for years. I just wanted advice from other FA's in my situation. We have tried counseling and it didn't really work. The counselors I spoke with were not aware of the whole FA, BBW attraction thing. They really couldnt understand why I would like my wife heavy. I felt the only good advice is from someone who is like me, thus my post. I was correct in posting this because I feel like I got accurate advice. I like hearing from fellow FA's and BBW's how they felt in similar situations. My outlook has changed because of it. I think I will continue to post questions where before I was to afraid and I kept it all in my head! I actually feel liberated to get this off my chest.



YAY...I look foward to more posts form you mister ***points finger at you***:happy:


----------



## indy500tchr (Mar 1, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I know I've taken a beating posting this but I think I got some great advice! I don't think leaving the relationship is the best answer. After talking with each other last night I think we both realized we are not showing affection towards each other at all. Over time, you just grow distant and feel unloved. At least for me that is what happened. On top of not showing affection, the constant complaining and temper towards me really topped it off! After a while you just become roommates raising kids together and barely getting along. This is why I am always looking to leave or looking at other BBW's in public. Like you say, thinking that the grass is greener with someone else. The grass might be greener for a short period with someone new but I would leave a trail of disaster for my wife and kids! Seems very selfish. I know it is also selfish to want her to keep gaining and being unhappy. This is something that I know I need to work on. To be honest, it also doesn't help looking at all the BBW and SSBBW sites on the internet! This just leads me to want someone like that! I need to love who I have and learn to treat her better. I don't think it will happen overnight but I am going to try.



I am glad that you guys talked. I've alway said that communication is KEY to a healthy relationship. Keep talking and not hiding things from one another. Who knows you might find amazing and new things about one another that will make your marriage even more fulfilling


----------



## EvilPrincess (Mar 1, 2010)

Please Note! - Two threads were merged due to multiple posting on different boards. The single thread is now in the FA/FFA forum, please make sure you are aware of the forum guidelines before posting. 

Please excuse any disruptions while we sort through the best way to handle the thread merger. 

Thanks! 

EP/Mod

ETA: Update - We will be leaving the merged threads intact, with no moderation, some of the posts are not within the guidelines, but for continuity they will remain. FA/FFA Forum guidelines apply.


----------



## pallard99 (Mar 4, 2010)

I wanted to respond to a couple of responses regarding "leaving my wife" or "not being honest with myself". Like I said, I have been attracted to BBW's as far back as I remember. I also dated a few BBW's before getting married. It wasn't until two years after I married my wife that I discovered Dimensions. Once I read about other FA's and the size acceptance something triggered in my head. All the years of wondering who I am and why I feel the way I do were in an instance acknowleged. I felt like I finally found the answers I was searching for. I immediately wanted to meet the next BBW I saw and live happlily ever after! But wait, I was married! And until that day, I was happily married! It wasn't as if I hadn't dated other BBW's, so what had changed? I think I finally accepted who I was and I wasn't going to live a lie as some of you said. I knew my wife liked to diet and she would not understand why I would want her to fatten up! I did try to give her hints that I liked her with more weight. Again, these were all things to make ME happy. As the years went on, I tried to keep my little secret to myself and love my wife. I always felt though that "those people on Dimensions" wouldn't approve of what I was compromising! That a true FA wouldn't compromise either. I've been living this way for a long time, trying to encourage my wife to gain (or at least not lose). After reading your replies though, I began to realize that 1. not ALL BBW or SSBBW's want to be that size. 2. you may meet someone big now but later on in life, because of health issues or their own desires lose the weight. 3. Married shouldn't JUST be about looks! 

I know this is a struggle for me and I need to continue to work through my feelings.


----------



## Jes (Mar 4, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I know this is a struggle for me and I need to continue to work through my feelings.



has anyone floated the idea of talking to your wife about opening your relationship? Sex, I mean. Maybe she'd be open to the idea of sleeping with someone who looked at her body and sexual self as she'd like, and you could sleep with someone who looks the way you want her to. ANd you still stay in love, married, and parents to your kids. 

just a thought. I'm not saying it's a good idea or anything she'd go for, but I have no doubt that her sexual life could suffer based on how you're criticizing her looks (in your head or out loud) and maybe she'd like to step out herself!

do you think you'd be down with her finding someone else? and you, too, of course.


----------



## adolan55 (Apr 15, 2010)

pallard99 said:


> I wanted to respond to a couple of responses regarding "leaving my wife" or "not being honest with myself". Like I said, I have been attracted to BBW's as far back as I remember. I also dated a few BBW's before getting married. It wasn't until two years after I married my wife that I discovered Dimensions. Once I read about other FA's and the size acceptance something triggered in my head. All the years of wondering who I am and why I feel the way I do were in an instance acknowleged. I felt like I finally found the answers I was searching for. I immediately wanted to meet the next BBW I saw and live happlily ever after! But wait, I was married! And until that day, I was happily married! It wasn't as if I hadn't dated other BBW's, so what had changed? I think I finally accepted who I was and I wasn't going to live a lie as some of you said. I knew my wife liked to diet and she would not understand why I would want her to fatten up! I did try to give her hints that I liked her with more weight. Again, these were all things to make ME happy. As the years went on, I tried to keep my little secret to myself and love my wife. I always felt though that "those people on Dimensions" wouldn't approve of what I was compromising! That a true FA wouldn't compromise either. I've been living this way for a long time, trying to encourage my wife to gain (or at least not lose). After reading your replies though, I began to realize that 1. not ALL BBW or SSBBW's want to be that size. 2. you may meet someone big now but later on in life, because of health issues or their own desires lose the weight. 3. Married shouldn't JUST be about looks!
> 
> I know this is a struggle for me and I need to continue to work through my feelings.



I am someone that can relate directly to what you are going through and I wanted to offer up some actual advise (not interlaced with accusations and blame like some others which I found extremely unhelpful).

I have never been married but I have been in many very serious relationships, any one of which that could have eventually lead to marriage. I always gravitated towards chunky girls but never really made that the sole issue of why I dated someone. I have always felt that a relationship is utterly worthless without love for a person's personality and the genuine connection between two people. I have also always felt that a less than perfect sexual component to any relationship regardless of the love two people share can potentially add a lot of strain to a relationship. One girl that I cared very deeply for sounds very much like your wife, in that I met her when she was just chunky and she started getting bigger and did not like that, along with the fact that she had quite a temper. Because of the way I view relationships I feel that I can be with someone regardless of their weight because I find many thin and fat women extremely beautiful and sexually attractive and I want to marry someone because of that connection we share, not the fat or lack of fat. So for me when she addressed the issue of how she felt about her weight I calmly stated to her that I thought she was beautiful the day we met, that I think she is beautiful now, and that her personality is what draws me to her, however, I personally find big and beautiful women extremely attractive. I didn't state it like a guilty admission or like I was coming out of the closet, just frankly and honestly without shame or hesitation. I know this couldn't have been a surprise for her because on numerous occasions I had told her how much I appreciated the features she had that were fat that I found sexually appealing, but when I just came out and said that my natural inclination was towards fat women she snapped. She said to me, what kind of freak am I that I'm the object of your fat fetish (as well as other "colorful" choice words).

Now admittedly this seems like an extreme reaction but I can't quite say that it was caused by the way I said it because as I said she has quite the temper and when I talked to her last after being broken up for quite a while she told me that she started getting counseling to deal with her frequent anger outbursts. I also can't say it wasn't caused by how I said it.

Sorry for the long post but I felt like for any efficacy of my advise I would need to provide the back story. So with all this in mind after many talks with her I realized that she was just someone so insecure with her body image that my admission of my preference for fat women shook the foundation of her entire life long struggle with self-esteem and body image issues. From that point on it put a significant strain on our relationship to the degree I made up things I needed to do or stayed late at work so I wouldn't have to get on the phone with her or go see her to receive more of her ill tempered abuse. Then later I made the realization of how what I said affected her and I started doing things differently. I showed her affection even when she was being irrational and hateful. I asked her things that she liked sexually in a partner or things she liked for a partner to do that we currently didn't (sexual or not). I like being skinny and I know that she liked me skinny so it gave me extra incentive to get back to the gym to get back into shape so she would find me more sexually appealing. I made sure to tell her every time how much I appreciated her friendship and how beautiful she is. I think by saying what I did I unlocked a pandora's box of insecurity and in order to help the relationship I needed to be a more caring and understanding boyfriend to her to help with her image issues rather than make them worse.

I guess what I'm trying to say pallard is that you are not living a lie and no you are not being selfish. You are being a human being and we have all been that once or twice from time to time I bet. The fact that you would even come onto these boards and state the obviously painful things you have in order to get advice on how to improve your marriage shows that you are not just thinking of yourself (or just thinking of your kids for that matter). But it is my belief that you will have to put much more care and consideration into the way you show your affection towards your wife to help build the self-esteem for the way she looks if you want to help your marriage. Unfortunately not every fat woman in the world is as confident and happy with their fat figures as some of the women on forums like this one. In fact for them it is their one true curse. That is how my girlfriend saw it. While the things I did helped improve our relationship considerably (and her self-image) we eventually broke up because of the anger problems (and my inability to not make it worse), but it had nothing to do with me sexually fantasizing about fat women and I felt great while our relationship lasted just by being understanding and loving her for the person she was, whether it fat or not.

I know this is wordy and I don't blame those that skip it, but I just honestly wanted to try and help if I could because I feel like I understand your situation and I only want the best for everyone that has enough care for others to try and reach out however they can for help. Good luck with everything and remember that you should not do this for your kids first (they are not your crutch for this relationship in my opinion), but do it for yourself and your wife and I think you can expect the best possible outcome whatever that may be.


----------



## CastingPearls (Apr 18, 2010)

Pallard I relate to you in so many ways but from the other side.

I am a SSBBW who lost 300 lbs. due to illness. I am STILL a SSBBW. I can't and shouldn't gain any weight back because a condition I have is affected by any fluctuation in weight. 

Spouse, while always an out FA is very reserved both in and out of the bedroom. There are times I feel invisible, unwanted and unattractive to him. 
I do everything I can to entice him but our libidos have gone to complete opposite extremes and although we are in therapy, they too have a limited knowledge of the BBW/FA relationship and it isn't figured into the equation although I have strenuously voiced this to the therapist several times. 

I am very direct. Because Spouse is reserved and extremely sensitive I have to walk on eggshells on this subject because he will only withdraw and nothing will be accomplished. This is extremely frustrating for me because I don't want to be RIGHT--I want to be loved.

My exact words to him and the therapist were:
I can go out on my own and pursue other endeavors without him. I can and do have my own hobbies and friends. But I am a moral woman and as such the ONLY thing I cannot get outside my marriage is the ONLY thing my husband won't give me. I have been held at arms length for so long for something that is so essential to my happiness and have lost so much that I refuse to live half a life. If he is not willing to work with me then I will have to leave him for BOTH of us to be happy.

He asked me to give him a year and I agreed because I love him. I don't know what the future holds but with or without him, love will be in it.


----------



## Theotherone (Apr 18, 2010)

I think your wife's feelings boil down to this: You kept a secret. You were in fact in love with a different ideal woman than the ideal she had of herself. In a sense, it's a kind of adultery. You've done the equivalent of admitting you have a mistress. They way you deal with it is in the manner that would be appropriate if you were fessing up to having a living, breathing mistress.


----------

