# Friends who self-fat-shame and believe they are unattractive and stuff



## Fat Molly (Dec 29, 2014)

Hey, so is it just me who struggles with this? 

A friend is over and over posting about how she feels unattractive because of her weight. She seems to have clinical depression based on factors I'm not writing about here. This is triggering in its own right for me (as someone who has been chronically depressed since age 4). A lot of her posts include things like 'I don't have a lot to offer partners right now in terms of sexual attractiveness' and stuff like that, specifically relating to her weight.

I'm sick of being treated like a sexual outlier. I'm sick of the implications that since *she* doesn't find herself sexy, how on earth should I find *myself* sexy? And me finding her sexy doesn't matter. I both get it - because I've been there before - and I'm full of anger that people don't see me. 

In fact, it's really not just her. I've been dealing with many permutations of this theme this entire year. 

For me it's just the boiling point. I'm sick of my friends body-shaming themselves. and saying publicly, 'no one finds me attractive at my current weight,' 'I'm putting off dating until I get back in shape,' etc. IT STINKS. I feel bad for being angry about this because I tend to be very empathetic and supportive and affirming of people, particularly around body image issues. And *particularly* when it comes to depression. 

But when people are saying (through the lens of depression, or not) I THINK I'M UNATTRACTIVE AND NO ONE LIKES ME, and then I say publicly, 'I actually think you're very attractive,' and I just get brushed off as an outlier.... that really sucks. I'm really angry.


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## fuelingfire (Dec 30, 2014)

Thats common for women of all sizes. I hear thin girls complain that they are too fat all the time and that loosing 5 pounds is the magic man magnet. But you are right, its just sad. I have told many BBWs who fat-shame themselves, that they are beautiful. They just think I am being nice. If I press further, they seem puzzled. Which ends up being a huge turn off. What I really want to say is You look how you look, now shut up and own it! There are guys out there you would drive crazy with your looks.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Dec 30, 2014)

It sounds to me as if your friend is seeking attention, and this is how she gets it. If so, the reason she brushes you off may be because, if she were to say, "By golly, you're right! I AM attractive!" she would no longer have a way to fish for compliments. Eric Berne, in his classic book _Games People Play_, describes a game he calls "Ain't It Awful?" which sounds much like the situation you've mentioned.


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## Sunshine_Fette (Dec 30, 2014)

I've been through this all too much. I was like you before and would say "oh no, you are attractive" and all that, but it wouldn't help. Nowadays, I tend to ignore them.


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## Azrael (Dec 30, 2014)

You can't get people to love themselves.

When people have body issues it doesn't really matter what other people say, as long _as that's what they think_ they're going to continue to think about it, they'll really only think that you're just being nice.

People with really bad cases should probably get some sort of help for that.
The best you can do is to ignore/avoid these types of things cause you can't help people who won't help themselves.


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## lille (Dec 30, 2014)

Have you told them how much it bothers you and that when they say they're unattractive because of their weight it implies that you're not attractive either? We are often much harsher on ourselves than on others, and they may not even realize what they're really saying.


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## Shan34 (Dec 31, 2014)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> It sounds to me as if your friend is seeking attention, and this is how she gets it. If so, the reason she brushes you off may be because, if she were to say, "By golly, you're right! I AM attractive!" she would no longer have a way to fish for compliments. Eric Berne, in his classic book _Games People Play_, describes a game he calls "Ain't It Awful?" which sounds much like the situation you've mentioned.



Took the words right out of my mouth, in a very organized and easy to understand way. 

Molly dear, you're not alone!

My .02 cents? Brush this shit off, don't even acknowledge comments like that anymore and instead let yourself shine and show them that life doesn't need to wait for some magic number. You can say a lot with no words at all. <--- That is EXACTLY what I do. And it works


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## spiritangel (Dec 31, 2014)

I actually left a secret womens group on fb (a spin off from an Aussie bbw group I am in) for the same sort of thing

I get we do not always feel beautiful or sexy no matter what our size

but actively putting someone down who has worked hard on their own self esteem and feels good about who they are amongst other reasons are the reasons why I left with a no way to be added back because it is depressing 

I sometimes wonder if it is easier to hate ourselves, and give into that than do the hard work and take steps to learn to embrace ourselves and both our inner and outer beauty.


I would have a talk to your friend and ask her to politely stop saying those things to you and perhaps make it a no go zone re conversation for a while 

it might help you both


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## loopytheone (Dec 31, 2014)

I tend to find that explaining the effect their comments are having on you is the best way to get people to stop this sort of behaviour. It is the only way I got my mother to stop it; by telling her that her negative attitude had raised me to think I was disgusting and horrible and that I'm sure when she looks at me she sees a beautiful woman, not something horrible, despite me being a lot bigger than her. That or I just ignore that sort of comment as whining/attention seeking, as others have said.


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## TwoSwords (Jan 28, 2017)

In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." I've gotten into so many arguments with girls on this topic online, because my first relationship experiences were ruined by this very attitude. I can't get past the "compliments phase" of the relationship, if all she's going to do is argue with me when I compliment her. From that point on, I swore that I would never, ever desire to be any thinner than I am, and would always be totally satisfied with being heavy, and I always have been.


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## ScouseFA (May 23, 2017)

My wife's step sister (my step SIL?) is like this, my wife simply doesn't follow her on social media. I do follow her and then I can tell her when I think she seems to be struggling (she's diagnosed as bi-polar) so my wife can then call her to see if everything is ok.


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## Tracii (May 23, 2017)

I try not to associate with people like that.
I do have one GF who is like that but when she brings it up I say don't even go there because I'm not listening to you bitch and moan all night.
I tell her if she wants to lose weight to get a guy then fine lose weight but don't complain to me if you don't try to do something to fix the situation.


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## DiDiZia (May 24, 2017)

I'm like what you've described. I don't have a personal Facebook to vent on, but it's pretty much what runs through my head 24/7, and I have vented on other forums about it.

I despise my appearance.
I felt a little comfortable a couple weeks ago, started subscribing to plus-size YouTubers, even bought some new clothes. But, I was coming home from college a couple weeks ago, and these three guys from my college were basically taking the mick out of me.

This isn't a new occurrence. I was bullied out of school due to my weight, and was hospitalised for my depression and social anxiety at 14.

It's fantastic that you're comfortable in your own skin, I admire that. But some of us have had different experiences to you, and that has shaped our perception of ourselves.

I've come to this forum for a confidence boost. I want to see bodies that look like mine. It's comforting to see the confidence other fat women embody. It will help me accept the body that I'm in, rather than being in a constant state of self-pity. I'm glad I found this forum.


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## Tracii (May 25, 2017)

That friend I mentioned is the type that complains just to complain which to me is counter productive.
She feels its her job to make every one around her feel bad and that is what is sooo annoying about her.
Society has lot to do with her behavior or self shaming "fat people can't do this or that" or "you have a pretty face if only you weren't so fat" kind of thing.
The main thing is love yourself for who you are and being fat doesn't make you a bad person.
Its sites like this that helped me understand this and has made my life so much better.


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## Leem (May 25, 2017)

I am with you Tracii. This site makes it easier to love and accept yourself for who you are. Seeing and hearing from other people and making friends helps a lot.


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## Tracii (May 25, 2017)

It sure does I'm proof of that.
When I first came here I wasn't sure what to think.
I was divorced twice and just out of a long term relationship thing and so confused about my weight and why I liked being chubby but thinking no guys were into fat girls and what it all meant.
On top of all other things going on in my life I was a hot mess at that time.
This place helped me focus on me for once and what I wanted for me going forward.


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## voluptuouslover (May 30, 2017)

This is a great topic. 

I myself indirectly have heard many of these stories through my wife....mostly years ago. She had a group of friends at that age where all of them were getting pregnant & having kids. All of them hung out and still did as the kids got older. We even hung out in big couples groups.

My wife happened to be the heaviest one at the time along with another of the women....and she would tell me about several of the thinner women complaining that they were to Fat. The crazy thing was when my wife would tell me the stories it made me feel bad for her to have to sit there and listen to these women all joining in conversation how they all still needed to lose weight and how my wife must have felt. I asked my wife if she ever commented during these times and she said "no way, the funny thing was is they were just trying to draw compliments or for the others to reassure them how thin they are.

Also, it seemed that when we were all around as couples in group settings my wife played a slightly different role, she played up the fact that she was heavier by making comments or eating extra deserts just in a way that it was her role among these women. When my wife happened to lose weight these women were always complimenting here on and on.....and my wife even then joined in talks and conversation like "I am not there yet, I still am so Fat and have a way's to go". 

After we have broke from the pack if you will she has been way more comfortable with any weight she has gained and even recently doesn't seem to try to lose weight anymore and allows herself to eat as much as she wants not denying herself that luxury.


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## DiDiZia (May 30, 2017)

voluptuouslover said:


> This is a great topic.
> 
> I myself indirectly have heard many of these stories through my wife....mostly years ago. She had a group of friends at that age where all of them were getting pregnant & having kids. All of them hung out and still did as the kids got older. We even hung out in big couples groups.


I'm at an age where all of the girls around me are starting to get boyfriends. I started to delude myself into believing that no man would want to be in a relationship with me because of my weight. 
Boy, was I wrong! Haha.


> My wife happened to be the heaviest one at the time along with another of the women....and she would tell me about several of the thinner women complaining that they were to Fat. The crazy thing was when my wife would tell me the stories it made me feel bad for her to have to sit there and listen to these women all joining in conversation how they all still needed to lose weight and how my wife must have felt. I asked my wife if she ever commented during these times and she said "no way, the funny thing was is they were just trying to draw compliments or for the others to reassure them how thin they are.


Oh, yeah. It's super awkward when you're around thin girls complaning about being fat. It peaves me off when they're doing it in a superficial way, to fish for compliments.
"Oh, my God! No, you're so skinny/not that big. I wish I was your size!" That's what they want to hear from people. People who're actually concerned about their weight don't announce it in that way. I happily blank such people.


> Also, it seemed that when we were all around as couples in group settings my wife played a slightly different role, she played up the fact that she was heavier by making comments or eating extra deserts just in a way that it was her role among these women. When my wife happened to lose weight these women were always complimenting here on and on.....and my wife even then joined in talks and conversation like "I am not there yet, I still am so Fat and have a way's to go".


Ooooh, lordy. My mum does that all the time, even with random acquaintances. It's very embarassing. She'll make stupid fat "jokes" about herself, then gets upset when the person chips in on it.:doh:
Sometimes she even chooses to put me down in the process.
We'll be talking to a person, they'll bring me up, then she'll tell them about her older daughter, and she'll mention that her eldest isn't "big like us two" referring to me and herself. It's like she sees me as an embarrssment, and my older slimmer sister as a badge of honour. It's very sad.


> After we have broke from the pack if you will she has been way more comfortable with any weight she has gained and even recently doesn't seem to try to lose weight anymore and allows herself to eat as much as she wants not denying herself that luxury.


That's good to hear!:eat1:


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## voluptuouslover (May 30, 2017)

DiDiZia said:


> I'm at an age where all of the girls around me are starting to get boyfriends. I started to delude myself into believing that no man would want to be in a relationship with me because of my weight.
> Boy, was I wrong! Haha.
> 
> 
> ...


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## BigElectricKat (May 31, 2017)

Shan34 said:


> Took the words right out of my mouth, in a very organized and easy to understand way.
> 
> Molly dear, you're not alone!
> 
> My .02 cents? Brush this shit off, don't even acknowledge comments like that anymore and instead let yourself shine and show them that life doesn't need to wait for some magic number. You can say a lot with no words at all. <--- That is EXACTLY what I do. And it works



Straight away, some of the best advice I've read. This isn't 1967 or even 1997. This is 2017 and everyone with eyes to see and ears to hear knows that somewhere, somebody is going to appreciate you for you. You needn't lament on your size, shape, or weight. Someone will think you are smokin' hot. You just have to know where to look.

Like a lot of folks have pointed out, it just seems like there will always be someone who complains about SOMETHING in their lives: weight, looks, hair, body type, etc. My take (and those of others here) is: don't complain. Do something about it. If you were drowning in a pool and could reach the side to save yourself, would just continue to drown? Or would you stick your arm out and reach for the side?!?!? Most right-thinking people would do themselves a favor and grab the side and pull themselves out of the water. Same rule applies to your body image. If you don't like it, change it. Nuff said.


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## TwoSwords (May 31, 2017)

voluptuouslover said:


> I asked my wife if she ever commented during these times and she said "no way, the funny thing was is they were just trying to draw compliments or for the others to reassure them how thin they are.



I still don't get that. When a thin woman complains about how fat she is, I usually just kept my mouth shut, because as everyone's mom used to say; if you can't say something nice... etc.



voluptuouslover said:


> Also, it seemed that when we were all around as couples in group settings my wife played a slightly different role, she played up the fact that she was heavier by making comments or eating extra deserts just in a way that it was her role among these women.



This is *very* familiar to me. I saw all the people around me trying to be as thin as possible, and it filled me with an incredible sense of the wrongness of it all; like they were unbalancing the universe, and somehow, I had to "make up" for them.


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## TwoSwords (May 31, 2017)

DiDiZia said:


> She'll make stupid fat "jokes" about herself, then gets upset when the person chips in on it.:doh:



If she didn't want people to appreciate her fatness, why would she draw attention to it?



DiDiZia said:


> Sometimes she even chooses to put me down in the process.
> We'll be talking to a person, they'll bring me up, then she'll tell them about her older daughter, and she'll mention that her eldest isn't "big like us two" referring to me and herself.



Maybe it's because I can't hear the way she pronounces it, since it's all text and such, but to me, this sounds like she's paying you a mid-level compliment.

At least I know that's what it would mean, coming from *my* lips.


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## DiDiZia (May 31, 2017)

TwoSwords said:


> If she didn't want people to appreciate her fatness, why would she draw attention to it?
> 
> Maybe it's because I can't hear the way she pronounces it, since it's all text and such, but to me, this sounds like she's paying you a mid-level compliment.
> 
> At least I know that's what it would mean, coming from *my* lips.



Haha. If only more people were like you, TwoSwords!
From her lips, though, it sounded more like a reassurance that my sis is slimmer.

Keep in mind the word _slimmer_. My sister isn't slim, she's just a few sizes smaller than I am. I can range from a UK size 20-24, whereas my sister is in the 16-18 bracket.

My sister used to be very big like me, but she lost weight when she was around 14, and very rapidly, actually. My mother said she found chewed up food in a bag in her bedroom.

But, back then, my sister was in the secondary school that I dropped out of, and if my experience was anything to go by, I assume she was bullied for her weight. So, it's understandable, I guess.


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## TwoSwords (Jun 1, 2017)

DiDiZia said:


> Haha. If only more people were like you, TwoSwords!



I'm sorry to hear your sister has been having those kinds of issues, though she does still sound quite pretty. However, I did want to say one final thing in response to this point in particular.

This part of your response reveals you to be a gentle and inwardly-confident human being. You have confidence within yourself, and I like to see that. I couldn't be happier to hear that you appreciate what I said because, and I kid you not, I have never in my life met a single fat woman (at least in person) who could take one of my compliments graciously. I've seen anger, argumentativeness, a sort of nervous attempt to ignore my words, and one person in particular actually told me that she hated people who like people like her. You could be an example to all of them, because of how you've responded here, to what I said.

This is a rare and precious trait, and it's well worth preserving.


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