# letters to people and things thread



## supersoup (May 11, 2007)

i'm starting this because i don't really have confessions, and don't dare start a blog, but i need to vent. i often do this in my head, but now i'll bore you folks with it. 

dear nathan, the ex from another world,

it truly fries my ass to find out that you have a girlfriend. jealousy is what you would say immediately, but it isn't that. we were together for a long time, we were even fucking engaged at one point, i want nothing but happiness for you. it fries me because you still call me DAILY, though i haven't answered in months, and you leave me messages like we're still together. how your day was, what's going on at work, what your buddies are up to, and you never fail to end it with 'love you panda', just like when we were together. i want so bad to be one of your best friends, because i love you and you know me better than almost everyone, but i just don't love you like THAT, it would never work, and you still act like you won't accept that. i've tried talking to you about this numerous times, and it always ends in a screaming match. this poor girl probably has no idea that you keep doing this too. that kills me. i know that you have the potential to be an amazing boyfriend, best friend, and lover, but you've already killed any chances with this girl by still acting this way with me. i hate that you do that. it's been YEARS since it was ended nate, YEARS. she is going to find out, just like the last one, and you will just start the cycle over. grow up, please, even if it's just for the sake of the next girl you get involved with. i'm getting my number changed, because i think it will help. 

argh,
amanda

---------------------------------------------------------------

dear mama,

pay attention to me. talk to me. tell me you love me like you do the boys. don't act like i'm invisible like you have been for the past few weeks. i've done nothing but love you, try to take care of the house as best i can, and i've never asked you for anything, i always provide for myself. yet nothing is ever good enough. this cycle sucks. get along great for a week, tolerate me for a month, act like i don't exist for a month, lather, rinse, repeat. i've never had my heart broken like this. i don't think you realize that besides the boys, YOU ARE ALL I HAVE.

every day i wish harder and harder to float away on the next warm breeze,
amanda

-------------------------------------------------


dear upper management,

i hope you learned your lesson today. i am but a wee bug at the bottom of the totem pole, i know this, but i will never stand for someone disrespecting me like that. my name is AMANDA, not MIRANDA, i've been doing this for years now, i'm able to run any and every department in the store, and from now on, in order to get respect FROM me, you need to give respect TO me. yelling at me for not being able to see through walls and read minds was but the last straw for me today. 

BAM,
AMANDA NOT MIRANDA

----------------------------------------------------------

dear flip flops,

i have to wear you to work since my toe is all wrapped up and bandaged, and won't fit in any other shoes. would you kindly not make this sickly farting sound every so often when i step? it's really rather shitty. haha....shitty. but yes, quit it. i've looked everywhere for new ones that won't do this, but every store in this town has shitty flip flops that i refuse to wear.

irritatedly yours,
amanda


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## Chimpi (May 11, 2007)

supersoup said:


> would you kindly not make this sickly farting sound every so often when i step? it's really rather shitty.



Is that not the appeal of flip flops themselves? I thought that is why people wear them. :doh: Boy have I been living a lie for a long time.
Oh, and by the way, great thread, great letters, especially the mommy one.

*EDIT:* Now that I think about it (in all it's five [5] second glory after I left this thread), I have something I really want to get off my chest, and figured I would enjoy putting it here so as to not make you feel so alone... at least, until the next person writes something.

_Dear Foreman_

You're really a great guy. You know your job, you know your work, you know your skills, you know your limits, you know the limits of your aforemented business place, you know who you are, you know other people well. Why do you treat me differently? Why am I different than the others that are so unlike you? I look up to you, I admire you, I listen to you, the others don't act the same. The others are not the same. Why listen to them and not to me? You know you're losing it, you know you're clueless on some matters. Like when two people are talking to you at the same time. One person starts talking first. Why is it that when I am talking to you first, _about the work at hand_, and the other is talking to you about what happened to him at the bar last night, do you listen to HIS story first, and wait until it is all over to listen to me, while I am standing there like a jackass doing nothing, and waiting. Why? I suppose I might all ready know, but I am afraid to admit it. Is it really me? Or is it _just_me? I'm confused.

*Justin / Chimpi*


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## rainyday (May 11, 2007)

Dear older Spanish-speaking man who used to call me every other week or so (always on a Friday) and say "hello? hello?" down the phone at me:

I miss that you never call anymore. I miss the strange serendipity of you misdialling the same number over and over at such regular intervals. Ever since the one day you put a younger, English-speaking man on the phone and I explained it was a wrong number, you never call any more. I should never have ratted you out. I ruined everything we had. Today is Friday and I miss you.

Love, 

rainy



P.S. It won't let me rep you, but good thread idea, Soupy.


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## Violet_Beauregard (May 11, 2007)

Dear Mr. First FA,

Why did you have to change? Why did you stop talking to me? What did I do? Why did you stop emailing, calling, and taking me to lunch? Why did you stop communicating with me? Why do you have to treat me like I don't exist? I've stopped emailing and texting you. You never answer. I miss you, you know. I miss the flirty emails and text messages. I miss the talks, I miss the visits, I miss the lunches. I miss your kisses and your hands on me. It hurts me to think I'm starting to not care if I talk to you. You were special to me. I don't want to not care. 

You made me feel special. You made me feel pretty and feminine and... wanted. You were the first one who wanted me because I look like I do. You liked it and weren't afraid to tell me that. You broke thru my wall and got into my heart. You made me feel...normal. You made me feel like somebody. Now I feel like nobody. I put that wall back up. I've cried a lot of tears over you. 

I met someone. Another FA. He makes me feel like you did. He's chipping away at the wall. I hope he doesn't do the same thing as you. I hope he doesn't make me cry like you have. I'm scared about that. 

I want to tell you about this FA. I want you to care. I want you to be jealous. I want you to be hurt. I want you to be sorry. 

But I know you won't be any of those things.

And that's what hurts me.

Missing you,

Christine


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## Sandie_Zitkus (May 12, 2007)

where to start:

Dear Rich,

I miss you. It's been 15 years but in my heart I still can feel you. I'm so sorry I never got to say goodbye. I know you are better now, and I still wish we were friends. I've told Wayne all about you, and I think you and he would have been good friends. You 2 are so much alike. Given different circumstances you might have been, the one. But life threw us a HUGE curve. And missing you has just become a part of life for me.

I still love you, sweet gentle ,man. But I am happier that I ever thought I would be. I hope you are too. 

I do wonder on lonely depressing nights "What might have been?". But that's just depressing.

I wish you happiness, love and a peaceful heart. I love you.

Sandie.


************************************

Dear P.

Why? Why did it all go so bad. You were the best friend I've ever had. I don't know how it got so ugly so quickly. I'm deeply hurt and not sure if I will ever be over it. I hope so - given enough time.

I still love ya - ya big lug,
Sandie


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## alienlanes (May 14, 2007)

I dare you to start a blog, Soup .

Anyways, here's my contribution:

_Dear Unsettlingly "Off" Co-Worker,_

You're probably a harmless eccentric whose erratic behavior is not indicative of serious mental illness, but sometimes I wonder. Just for the record, I did not ask management to assign me to work in the magazine department with you, and I am not plotting to usurp your position as senior magazine shelver. You do not need to feel threatened by me, and you definitely do not need to murder me in a fit of paranoia.

_Dear Fellow Dimensions Posters,_ 

If I am "accidentally" crushed to death by a stack of unsold _Kitchen & Bathroom Design Trends Annual_, you know who had the motive and the means.

(j/k, before anyone gets worried . But she _does_ creep me out.)

And a serious one:

_Dear Laura,_

You were so intelligent that I became obsessively attracted to you even though you were skinny. I apologize for behaving like a creepy stalker. Now that I've been in similar situations with the roles reversed, I realize just how badly I behaved and how difficult it must have been for you to let me down with as much tact and grace as you did; all I can say in my defense is that I was young, stupid and had never been in a relationship before. Sometimes I wonder if all my subsequent romantic troubles have been karmic retribution for the shit that I put you through.


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## supersoup (May 14, 2007)

SlackerFA said:


> I dare you to start a blog, Soup .
> 
> Anyways, here's my contribution:
> 
> ...


oh no...i've been challenged...


dear boy who shall not be named,

you are really awesome, and i just want you to know that. i want you to become one of my best friends, i feel totally comfortable around you. the point of this ramble is that i'm sending high fives to whomever let us cross paths!!

you rock nearly as much as i think i do,
amanda


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## BigBeautifulMe (May 14, 2007)

Dear Mom

It was Mother's Day yesterday, and all I could think about is how you deserve a better life. You're married to a man who couldn't find his way out of a paper bag, who can't provide for you, who still lives like he's a bachelor and not married to you. His money is his money, but your money is also his money. How does that work, exactly? You've raised me - are you really going to have to raise him, too? You're stuck working this job you dislike, and there's no telling how long you'll have to be working considering your husband's spending habits. You're turning 64 this year, and you should be looking forward to enjoying things. I'm terrified that (since he has sleep apnea and doesn't use his CPAP) he's going to have a stroke in his sleep and you're going to end up spending the rest of your life caring for him. It's not fair, mom. You deserve so much better. 

I can't help but wonder why you married him when you confessed to me that you didn't love him the day before your wedding ceremony. You said you thought you could love him again, like you did before he turned you away because things were getting too serious - do you love him, now? When he kisses you goodbye and goes off to work, do your lips tingle like mine do when I kiss the new man in my life? Or do you feel disgusted, revolted, creeped out like I do whenever your husband hugs me. 

I worry about you. I know you're afraid of being alone, but is that really worse than being with him? At least then you'd have a chance to find someone who deserves you.

-Love,
your darling daughter.


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## Famouslastwords (May 14, 2007)

Dear Boyfriend,

I know I said I don't mind beards but I lied. I don't like them remotely, they make men look ...idk. Please shave.

<3

Rachel

==================================================

Dear sister,

It's a shame people like you are allowed to reproduce and then neglect and treat your kids like crap while there are people in this world that can't have kids who would love and respect them. I wish you couldn't breed.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

</3

Rachel


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## Jane (May 17, 2007)

_---- "Patti Solis Doyle wrote: 

============= 
Dear Jane, 

Hillary needs your help. We've been working on an important issue -- the kind 
that can make or break a campaign. And your input is absolutely critical to 
ensuring that we make the right decision. 

That's right -- we're picking our campaign song. 

We've got a great selection up in an interactive poll on our website, with 
artists like Shania Twain, U2, KT Tunstall, the Dixie Chicks, and more. Visit 
the site, listen to the songs, and make your choice. Or you can suggest one of 
your own. 

http://links.hillaryclinton.com/ctt?kn=1&m=576473&r=MTc5MjU3Nzk0NAS2&b=2&j=ODUxM
jMwNTgS1&mt=1 

Thanks for participating. And don't miss Hillary's announcement of the song 
contest on YouTube (http://links.hillaryclinton.com/ctt?kn=7&m=576473&r=MTc5MjU3
Nzk0NAS2&b=2&j=ODUxMjMwNTgS1&mt=1 
-- you won't want to miss it. Trust me. 


Patti Solis Doyle 
Campaign Manager 
Hillary for President _

 
-----------------------------------------------

I cannot believe in a nation where we can't get out of the quagmire of Iraq, 
THIS is what is being considered important. 

Senator Clinton needs to confirm her appearance at "Prez on the Rez", focus on getting us out of Iraq, and NOT do this "fluffy-headed-blonde" Bull that is going to make people question the choice of a woman to lead this country. 

Jane


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## liz (di-va) (May 17, 2007)

Dear Person With Access to a Keyboard,

Please maybe don't type so much.

Thank you!

Yours sincerely,
Bitchy Queenie Harridan Viper McNastypants


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## TheSadeianLinguist (May 17, 2007)

Dear brother,

You fucking rule in every way. You have a hot wife, a good education, a great kid, and are finally being recognized as the best of the best in your job. You are awesome. I wish you knew how awesome you were.

Dear other brother,

You are such a smart and successful guy. I love you, but I worry. I always feel like I'm interrupting you and that your personal life isn't where you'd like it, but you won't talk to me because I'm your younger sister. Stop doing that and talk to me. I love you.

Dear Coworker,

If I find any more disgusting bags of that homemade granola tucked away in various corners, I'm shoving them down your throat. No one will stop me.


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## Tad (May 18, 2007)

Dear Music teacher from grades 3 through 8:

Why did you never try to teach us how to sing? You had us sing things, you talked about breath control a little, but you never told us how to tell if we were in tune or in time or at an appropriate volume, or anything else. Those of us who were not good at singing didnt know it until you decided to enter our class in a competition, and told some of us to mouth the words. Even then you didnt say what we were doing wrong, or help us to get better. We were apparently just bad singers and therefore should not sing. After that I did not sing for twenty years. 

I only started singing a little bit again when my son was a baby, and I was singing when trying to get him to sleep. I dont know if my singing helped him or not, but it helped me deal with the crying. What was really nifty was that in singing the same songs over and over and over again, I began to learn how to sing. I learned to feel the sound in my throat and mouth, I learned to actually hear how I sounded instead of what I was trying to sound like, and so I learned to modify what I was doing to make better sounds. This did not make me a good singer, but what I discovered was that Im not totally hopeless at singing. Im not a natural, but I can learn to get better. Maybe with a teacher who actually taught us singing I would have learned that twenty years sooner.

Do you know what the real kicker is? I really wanted to like you. You were my first fat teacher, in fact you were the first SSBBW I ever interacted with on a regular basis. I was really excited when you first came into our grade three class. You were pretty and slightly exotic seeming, and I thought you were going to be my favorite teacher. Unlike most of the kids, I never did make fun of your weight (actually I was disappointed a bit when you dropped from SSBBW to BBW). Still, six years later when you were crying because I wasnt going to be able to make the year end concert, and I was the only bass player in your little string group, I didnt care. I wasnt glad to make you cry, I was never that vindictive, but I just did not care in the least about you by then. You could have so easily been the super cool teacher who turned me on to a whole new area of expression, instead you became the teacher that I didn't care about even when you were crying. So I don't think I was the only one to lose something by your negligence.

Regards;

-Ed


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## Donna (May 18, 2007)

Dear Max;

Although you've only been with us a short time, you have enriched our home and lives so much. I loved the way you cuddled and purred with me at the end of my day. I adored the way you would reach your paw out when you wanted to be petted and I was doing something else. Most of all, I just loved you. I always will. 

Good-bye my furry friend. Bon Voyage and see you on the bridge.

Love, your adopted Mommy


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## fatlane (May 18, 2007)

Dear Chinese food I just ate,

Was it good for you, too?


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## supersoup (May 19, 2007)

dear victoria's secret at the ginormous mall i was at today,

please remove the uber shiny tiles you have at your entrance. i nearly did the splits and dropped my vajayjay and uterus on the floor when i walked in today. not awesome. i somehow saved myself the fall, but my vagina won't talk to me now, because you scared her. RUDE.

yours, but only because i bought awesome spray stuff,
amanda

----------------------------------------------------------------------

dear maggie,

QUIT SHITTING ON THE CARPET.

tired of scrubbing,
amanda-the scooper of poop


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## Michelle (May 19, 2007)

Dearest Grass:

Please quit growing so fast. You're kicking my butt.

Thank you in advance.

Yours truly,

Michelle


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## Carrie (May 19, 2007)

Dear New Boss,

We work at an I.T. company. Please understand that having to walk you through installing yahoo messenger on your computer and teaching you the difference between e-mail and instant messaging has made me somewhat skeptical of you. 

Sincerely,

Carrie


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## AnnMarie (May 19, 2007)

Dear Shithead Who Cracked His Head Open Last Night, 

I'm sorry you're so immature and stupid that you have no idea how much you can drink. However, knowing that you got 40 stitches for busting your head open on a keg, and ruining my entire weekend in the process, is some small consolation. 

I'm glad you're going to be ok, but I advise you stay the hell away from my bf in the future. If you cause me to miss time with him again, you will pay in a way that will make you wish there was just blood and stitches. 

Thanks, 

Pissed Off Fat Girl

****

Dear Boyfriend, 

I'm glad you're a good enough person to be there for your friends when they're completely stupid assholes, but I'm sad and disappointed that OUR plans were ruined for such bullshit. I wish that you were already past the point where you associate with people who are potentially that dumb. 

Rain check on all the good stuff we're missing.  

-Me

*****

Dear Carla and Ramen Noodles, 

Thanks for being there.

AM


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## Fuzzy (May 19, 2007)

Pissed Off Fat Girl,

I know you'd just like to wipe your memory of the incident.. but what was he doing? Trying to jump off the roof while carrying a loaded keg?

Dazed and Confusled


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## AnnMarie (May 19, 2007)

Dear Fuzzyman, 

Nothing nearly that entertaining or well thought out, to my understanding. I believe it was the most simplistic episode of drunk tripping/tumbling and getting "lucky" enough to catch the keg with his head. 

Less pissed off, mostly just disappointed now - 

FatGirl


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## Fuzzy (May 19, 2007)

PrettyFatGirl,

So one of those type of episodes where drunkguy wakes up with 40+ stitches and has no recollection of the incident?

Another reason ( among many ) why I don't touch the stuff.

StoneColdSoberAndFuzzy


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## Blackjack (May 19, 2007)

Dear sister:

Stop hogging the TV. I don't give a shit if you can't stand it if you don't have some godawful sitcom on in the background while you're sitting on your ass playing with your laptop, find some music and a pair of headphones.

Sincerely,
Your brother Kevin

P.S. Also, if you don't stop your hypocritical nagging, this may be the summer that I beat you with a stick.


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## This1Yankee (May 19, 2007)

Good Thread Shoup soup a doop....

Dear Dad,

For once, do something that you promise me that you are going to do. Just one time. I really need you to do this.

Desperately,
Meg

********************************************************
Dear Cameron,

You are such a sweet sweet sweet angel. Sometimes when you snuggle up to me and plant kisses on my face and say "Mommy, I love you so much", it makes my heart so full that I want to burst. I want to snuggle and cuddle and hug you and toussle your hair until you can't see straight. I've never loved anything in my life as much as I love you, and I really don't even know if "love" covers it. I would gladly die for you, my child. I want you to have the most joyful and rewarding existance that you can, and hopefully I'll be around long enough to watch and be oh so proud of you 

Your ma,

Mommy

********************************************************
Dear To-Be-named boyfriend/husband/"one",

When you come along, I will not be afraid. I will love you with everything that I have and will not take you for granted. I will tell you everyday that I think you are wonderful, and I will not brush you off when you return the same sentiment. I won't be guarded and skeptical, I'll just be me. Here's to meeting you 

Love,
Megan


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## missaf (May 19, 2007)

Dear Carrie's boss --

Get a job where you actually understand what you're doing and leave my hot black-lingerie-wearing-minx of a friend alone!


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## alienlanes (May 19, 2007)

Dear Geography of the Continental United States,

Why do you put so much distance between me and all the sexy, interesting single women ?


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## supersoup (May 20, 2007)

dear humidity,

quit making my hair bushlike.

toss off,
manda


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## MisticalMisty (May 20, 2007)

Dear ___________,

I'm ready for this:

View attachment 20136


Always,
Misty


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## Violet_Beauregard (May 20, 2007)

Dear laundry room,

Why must you have taken up residence in my basement? My chubby bum isn't into hauling up and down the stairs to use your services.

Please consider moving to the first floor.

Thank you,

Vi


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## ValentineBBW (May 20, 2007)

Dear friend I work with:

I am extremely sorry for all the bad things that have happened lately, I really am. BUT it's time to stop whining and DO something about it. The past 4 months have been nothing but you flaking out every other week and leaving us high and dry at work. If you really want things to go better then take the advice that has been given to you and fix the situation. This doesn't mean that you start something on Sunday and then Tuesday you "HAVE to leave work because you can't stop crying about it and have to finish tearing down the drywall RIGHT NOW". Welcome to the real world, we all have personal issues/problems. You are alienating your friends and co-workers. 

And while we are talking about _working_, please do your Eff-ing job. I am tired of not getting any help from you and of you making decisions about things that you have no clue about as you have not been around to know what the eff is going on. I put up with a lot for a long time, but I'm two inches away from calling it quits. 

Signed,

Fed up.

p.s. yes you're forcing me to officially complain about your behavior and lack of doing your job. I truly am not a cold-hearted bitch with no sympathy, but I've listened, advised, and covered for you and now I'm getting treated like shit.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (May 20, 2007)

Dear Sister,

All my life all I have ever wanted from you was a big sister. At 47 and 50 I doubt very much that this is ever going to happen. So - I let you go. I love you but what's done is done. I forgive you.

I'm over you,
your little sister.


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## SocialbFly (May 21, 2007)

Dea friend of mine,
i have had a crush on you for ohhh, just 27 years, could we please just get on with it, or will you drop out of my life, the issue is a pain in my dreams.
grrrr....
Dianna


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## This1Yankee (May 24, 2007)

I don't like to deal in absolutes. It's not my style to burn many bridges, until I am sure that I will never need to cross it again. In your case, I would not hesitate to soak it in lighter fluid and stand there to watch it go down in a blaze of agony and defeat. You're vain enough to think that this is about you, and SO insecure that you'll either rant on about how much of a "prize" you are, or act all suicidal and maniacal to get attention that you have allegedly been deprived of. Well, you're no prize that anyone would choose to win, but if it helps you sleep at night, I guess it's okay to leave you with your delusions, just don't bring them into my world. I can't stand to be around you, which is why I make excuses to why I have to be home early, can't go out at all, or can't answer the phone. You bring me down, and I think that I may have passed my all-time record of "number of times that I've rolled my eyes in one hour" within thirty minutes of being in your presence. It's disgusting, really, that I let it get this far, but I really just couldn't bring myself to add more misery to your already deflated existence. I should have just explained all of this to you months ago, and been done with it. For that I will take sole responsibility, and in the long run I ended up being more cruel. No, I don't want to be your friend. No, I don't want to talk about this. No, I am not changing my mind in a few months. Just leave me alone: forget that we ever met.

And everyone wonders why I doubt "love". Why the words "I'm in love with you" don't really mean anything to me, unless said persons ACT that way on a very consistent basis. You can't love me, because you hate yourself. You probably admire me, and thought that all you had was me. This is not love...it's obsession and dependency. Yeah, you are "that guy", and it freaks me the hell out. To put it in words that you can understand: You are my Lindsay. At first, I wanted to save you, help you, so that you can be the person that you bitch about wanting to be. But you are too happy acting like a waste of human life with no goals, dreams, or even strong intentions. Well, by all means, who am I to lend my support and guidance to one that doesn't want it. Go stew in your self-inflicted misery a little more...but don't ever contact me again.


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## Ash (May 24, 2007)

Dear ex,

Look, I'm sorry that you're going through a lot right now. You want to be friends. I'd love to be your friend, but we both know that you want so much more. I can't give you that. I'm working on finding happiness, but I can't share any of that with you because it upsets you. We broke up over 6 months ago, but still everytime we talk we end up fighting. You'll never be happy that I'm dating someone else. You've made that pretty clear. How is this friendship? I hate to say it, but I think it'd be best if we just cut our losses and say goodbye. We can't talk about anything of consequence without it turning ugly.

STILL walking on eggshells,
Ashley

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Boy with Potential,

CALL ME! I miss your voice, dammit. 

Smittenly,
Ashley

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Oliver Dog,

Please, please don't like my jerk of an uncle more than you do me, your loving mama. I'll give you those extra special treats that you like! 

Buying your love with cheezy snaps,
Mom


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## alienlanes (May 24, 2007)

Dear Erika the Assistant Manager,

You are a manager. I am not a manager. Only managers can process returns and exchanges. So when I call you up to the cash register for a return or exchange, please quit sighing and sulking like _I'm_ the one who's imposing on you. If I could do returns myself and not have to bother you, I would. But I can't. Accept this fact gracefully -- isn't that what they pay you for?

Yours truly,

A disgruntled employee .

--

Dear Half-Assed Con Artist,

A helpful hint: when you're trying to scam us by returning a book that you obviously shoplifted from another store, make sure you take any identifying markers off of the book before you show it to us. Barnes & Noble isn't going to give you cash back for a book that still has a Borders price tag on it .

Normally I'd be laughing at your stupidity. OK, I _am_ laughing at your stupidity. But my contempt is mixed with pleasure on this one because I got such a kick out of watching Erika squirm with exasperation at your shenanigans.

Yours truly,

The cashier.


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## Chimpi (May 25, 2007)

Dear P.,

Fuck You  I have no hope for my future because of _you_, jackass.

Thanks,
Justin


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## Sandie_Zitkus (May 25, 2007)

Dear Me, 

I have been mean to you for so long, I'm going to stop now. I want us to be happy once and for all. The world isn't that horrible - we made that up. Time to move on darlin' - time to be whole.

I love you,:wubu: 

Me.


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## supersoup (May 25, 2007)

dear letters to people and things thread,

i'm glad to see that you've spread your wee wings and held yourself adrift for this long. thanks for disproving that i fail at EVERYTHING i do.

yeah, i know you're just a dumb thread on a messageboard,
soup

--------------------------------------------------------------------

dear burlington coat factory #548,

FUCK YOU AND YOUR INVENTORY. i pwned you today, and you never saw it coming. because of my superior organizational skills and OCD need to be prepared, you went off without a hitch. and a big fuck you to all the managers too...doubt me like i don't know what i'm doing and i'll prove you wrong every time. NOW try and tell me how replaceable i am...you can't. 

you're welcome for me saving your ass,
amanda, employee # 1bajillionty

---------------------------------------------------------------------

hey me,

quit moping.

get over it,
yourself


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## rainyday (May 25, 2007)

Hey Amanda,

Hugz.

rainy


----------



## liz (di-va) (May 25, 2007)

Dear Big Culturally Imprecise Contemporary Pantheistic Creation:

It would embarrass my family tremendously if in my obituary it was written that "she expired from sexual frustration," so please help a fatty out.

Luv,
Liz

p.s. Yes, I know desire is suffering. I mean...I _know_.

p.s.s. I am picky.

p.p.s.s. Please shield this post from the eyes of those who find it TMI. Also said relatives (see above). Oh, and the bum pics.

p.p.s.s.s. If it's at all possible to shuffle American states around to my best geographical/sexual advantage, so as to bring various persons closer, that would rock. I'll start moving them around tomorrow if I might. Any that are leftover I'll just stick somewhere out near Hawaii or something.


----------



## Blackjack (May 25, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Dear Big Culturally Imprecise Contemporary Pantheistic Creation:
> 
> It would embarrass my family tremendously if in my obituary it was written that "she expired from sexual frustration," so please help a fatty out.
> 
> ...



Somebody get this woman a cucumber.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 25, 2007)

Dear Valued Vendor:

To insure prompt processing of your invoices, please quit sending all your fucking invoices to the wrong office. Also, try fucking reading your email or faxes I send you regarding this. There's no money at this office. Why would I lie about this? It's been two months. Pull your head out of your ass.

If you have any questions, please hesitate to contact us.

Sincerely, 

Casey


----------



## Carrie (May 25, 2007)

Dear Casey, 

I miss you and wish you were around more. 

Sniffle. 


Sincerely, 

Me.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 25, 2007)

Dear Carrie:

I wish you eat you whole.

Like an anaconda. 

I truly think I could manage this. 

Love,

Casey


----------



## Carrie (May 25, 2007)

Dear Casey, 

People here would pay good money to see big, fat Carrie-shaped bulge in your Anaconda belly. 

You may be on to something. 

Love,
Me.


----------



## ValentineBBW (May 25, 2007)

dear swimsuit maker:

it's been almost 3 months. I want my f*cking swimsuit now!!! 


sincerely,

Pissed off Me.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (May 25, 2007)

Dear Carrie and Casey,

Just do it and get over it already. and post pix pls!!!!

Sandie


----------



## liz (di-va) (May 25, 2007)

Dear Mr. Jack:



Blackjack said:


> Somebody get this woman a cucumber*.


Vegetables I got. Thanks, though!

Yours sincerely,
etc.
 *A fav classic cucumber recipe (_kyuri no sunomono_):
Cut up 2-3 seedless/Kirby cucumbers with either a device that makes super-thin slices or into a nice dice. Toss in a dressing made from the following:
 - rice wine vinegar (or white; adjust sugar)
 - lemon juice
 - soy sauce 
 - sugar
 - salt
 Top with some toasted sesame seeds and serve chilled.​


----------



## EvilPrincess (May 26, 2007)

*Dear Ticket Agent -Delta-Sky Harbor Airport-Phoenix *

Thank you for being kind and gentle with this weary traveler. You held my suitcase so it would not fall, and that let me catch my laptop before it took a dive onto the tile. 


*Dear TSA Security -Sky Harbor Airport-Phoenix -Terminal 3*

You made my day with your smile and the twinkle in your eye. I could not stop laughing when you made that beeping sound as I passed through the metal detector. Even though I did not take you up on the offer of a pat down, I appreciate the thought. 


*Dear Sky Harbor Airport- Phoenix*

Thank you for having free wifi - saved my ass with a work assignment. 


*Dear Server at the Tequila Bar - Terminal Three PHX*

Thank you for your kind smile, and fast and friendly service. Yes I was on my laptop, emailing, answering my phone, and sending the occasional text page, but you just laughed, rolled your eyes, and kept me well hydrated. You even had a good attitude when I realized I had to rush to catch my plane and needed my check NOW!

*Dear Delta, *

Thank you for getting me and my suitcase to the same place at the same time. It doesn't always happen but this was an important one and you came through. 



Sincerely 

The weary fatty traveler


----------



## Michelle (May 26, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Dear Carrie: I wish you eat you whole. Like an anaconda. I truly think I could manage this. Love, Casey


 
Dear Casey:

I used to have a website where I parodied all those vanity websites out there. My name was Lily LaLaa, I photoshopped pictures of myself to look ridiculous, wrote a diary, an advice column, poetry and acted very, VERY dumb. I received some "fan" mail from a man who told me of his fantasy. He wanted me to devour him whole like a snake. He went into detail.

Would you like me to hook you up?

Love,
Michelle


----------



## Jane (May 26, 2007)

Dear Everyone Who Is Pissing Me Off (Currently none on Dims),

*Don't.*

Thanks a billion!!!!

Jane


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (May 26, 2007)

Dear High School Crush,

Yes, we reconnected at our reunion 5 years ago, and yes, we finally did the deed, but when I wanted to pursuit the relationship, you said "I can't do long distance". Fine. Whatever. But you certainly managed to call once or twice a week. For phone sex. What's with that? You didn't even ask about my life?? You asked how I was, how's things, I asked you how you were, how things were, then you jumped right into it. What the hell? You couldn't even bother to be courteous? You never call just to talk...ever! You only call for phone sex! Well, I was an asshole for putting up with it. 

I met someone else who treats me a million times better than you have, or ever will. I sent you an email telling you I met someone. I told you to cut out the phone sex calls. You replied to the email. Yet you still called. Seven times in 45 minutes??? When I finally took your call, you asked "What, does he own that thing already??" WTF? Do *you* think *you* do??? You didn't want a relationship, REMEMBER? No one "owns" my "thing" but me, and I'll let whomever I want to, use it. And that is *NOT* you...

STOP FUCKING CALLING ME FOR PHONE SEX! 

I'm done with you. Period.

Finally over you,

CJS


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 26, 2007)

Dear Michelle,

YES-NOW-PLEASE!

Love,

Casey



Michelle said:


> Dear Casey:
> 
> I used to have a website where I parodied all those vanity websites out there. My name was Lily LaLaa, I photoshopped pictures of myself to look ridiculous, wrote a diary, an advice column, poetry and acted very, VERY dumb. I received some "fan" mail from a man who told me of his fantasy. He wanted me to devour him whole like a snake. He went into detail.
> 
> ...


----------



## fatlane (May 26, 2007)

Dear me,

Thanks for everything. I really appreciate all that you've done for myself.

Love,

I


----------



## Chimpi (May 26, 2007)

Dear Pluto,

As long as you were considered a planet, and then your status of planet removed, I still consider you a planet. You're worthy of recognition, and worthy of such a status. Maybe one day we'll visit you up close and personal.

Sincerely,

Earthling Chimpi

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wings Plus Delivery Boy,

Why are you not here yet? Slow poke!

Yours truly,

Impatient Customer


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (May 26, 2007)

Dear Pluto,

Are you a dog or not?? It's driving me crazy??? 

Me.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (May 26, 2007)

Dear flirting men in my life,

WHERE have you all been, and WHY have you all arrived at the same time?? JUST when I meet a guy I want to spend all my time with, you all come out of the wood work?? What the hell?

Love he attention.... hate the timing...

Please, work on it....

CJS


----------



## Mini (May 27, 2007)

Dear Brain,

If you don't stop being a miserable cunt I will drown you in battery acid. 

Thanks bunches,

Penis


----------



## love dubh (May 27, 2007)

Dear Red Bank,

I dig you. You know that. Yet, you're smooth as a fucking cactus. I think you need to get that filter between your brain and mouth replaced, as it seems to have disappeared. Telling me that I'm "the biggest girl" you've been with won't win you any points, nor will saying "I'm a man and I have needs" get you anything more than a punch in the face. That "but you don't just satisfy *those* needs" amelioration was pitiful. You initiated the making out, but you're still something of a douchebag. I don't dig. 

What do you want??

Sincerely,
North Jersey. 

PS: But I still want to bang you like a gong.
-----------------------------------------

Dear Binx,

I wish we still had crushes on one other. It was simpler then. You're superior to Red Bank.

Sincerely,
Me.

-------------------


----------



## Chimpi (May 28, 2007)

Dear Mini,

Please hault your penis from insulting your brain. Kay? Thanks a bunch.

Justin


----------



## Renaissance Woman (May 28, 2007)

Dear Unnamed Male Dims Poster,

I'm so disappointed in you. You initially came across like you were a person of substance and good moral character wrapped in a smokin' hot looking package. But after seeing how you've treated someone you allegedly care for deeply so callously, and after you decided to simply stop talking to me once you apparently decided that you weren't going to flirt with me online anymore (even though I hadn't said anything flirty for probably a month at that point), I have changed my mind. Lest you think I'm falling into "woman scorned" syndrome, I'll remind you that *you* sent an initial PM to me and *you* sent me the first IM, not the other way around. 

After your recent behavior, I've reevaluated my opinion. You're just another horny guy who uses his intelligence and looks to get chicks. I thought we could be friends, but I apparently was wrong. And that makes me sad.

-Barb


----------



## Chimpi (May 28, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> who uses his intelligence and looks to get chicks.



Dear Barb,

Thanks for reminding me that you are not speaking of me. 

Thanks,
Justin

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Shared Washing Machine User,

You obviously woke up earlier than I did, and obviously wanted to get your laundry done before anyone else. It is also apparent that you feel it unnecessary to clean up after yourself when you get detergent sand _all over_ the washing machine. If only I could meet you face to face, I could deliver this letter personally. But, for now, I'll have to suck it up and just hate you behind-the-scenes.

Hatefully Yours,
Apartment Dweller In Another Building


----------



## Donna (May 28, 2007)

Dear Missaf;

Please marry me! 

Signed, 
An Adoring Fan


----------



## love dubh (May 28, 2007)

missaf said:


> Dear sucker faced bitch Beauty Pageant Committee people.
> 
> Okay, fine, you stand around and talk for three hours yesterday and don't place flags, but pose for photos with tombstones, and giggle all day.
> 
> ...



Dear Missa,

I want to go into a riot with you.

Love,
Máire.


----------



## Carrie (May 29, 2007)

Mini said:


> Dear Brain,
> 
> If you don't stop being a miserable cunt I will drown you in battery acid.
> 
> ...



I'm cc'ing my brain on this, in the hopes that it/she will catch on and behave. 

'Cept I'm not signing it as "Penis".


----------



## BigCutieSasha (May 29, 2007)

Dear Dream Maker- 
Why the eff would you give me a dream of a long since forgotten ex boyfriend? Granted it was wonderful to feel those feelings of giddy and love, but damn! I wake up and its all not true. Now I don't want to come across as to missing this ex in any way. The past is very much the past, but just let me leave it there. I haven't thought about him in months. Then this? Bah! Just do me a favor and leave him out of my head. Im better off not thinking about this man.


----------



## Blackjack (May 29, 2007)

Dear certain perfume:

Okay, you're a very nice scent. A _very _nice scent. But you're the one smell that reminds me of a lady who I really really like.

So please stop showing up everywhere 'cause it makes me lovesick.

-Blackjack




Sandman:

What the _fuck_, man? That was the most depressing zombie dream that I've _ever _had. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was an amazing dream, but at least make my co-survivors at least somewhat competent. If they can't hit Zack with a shotgun AT POINT FUCKING BLANK RANGE then don't put them on the fuckin' front line.

And why couldn't that rifle I was using have a scope? I wasted so much ammo trying to kill that bitch. It's ridiculous.

Also, why the hell did that sleazy car dealer thing show up in my dream again? Seriously, it was like _deja vu _*IN A FUCKING DREAM*. I'm sorry, but that's way too nonsensical for even a dream like that.

-Blackjack

P.S. Can I have that zombie dream again, though? That was some damn good story fodder.


----------



## activistfatgirl (May 29, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Dear certain perfume:
> 
> Okay, you're a very nice scent. A _very _nice scent. But you're the one smell that reminds me of a lady who I really really like.
> 
> ...




Sounds like someone needs to march right over to the gossip thread and spill it. Shoot. We need a gossip thread.


----------



## Blackjack (May 29, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Sounds like someone needs to march right over to the gossip thread and spill it. Shoot. We need a gossip thread.



Hell no. When I have a secret, I keep it.


----------



## activistfatgirl (May 29, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Hell no. When I have a secret, I keep it.



I know. That's what makes you strangely different than me. Keeping secrets? Who invented _that_?


----------



## TCUBOB (May 29, 2007)

Not me. Telephone, telegraph, or tell Bob as the ol' saying goes.....



activistfatgirl said:


> I know. That's what makes you strangely different than me. Keeping secrets? Who invented _that_?


----------



## Blackjack (May 29, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> I know. That's what makes you strangely different than me. Keeping secrets? Who invented _that_?



Based on how much gossip I've heard my entire life, it seems like I did.


----------



## MisticalMisty (May 29, 2007)

Dear Cupid,

I'm a big, fucking target and you keep missing. Lay off the beer.

Misty


----------



## SummerG (May 30, 2007)

Dear Me, 
Stop being such a neurotic headcase. 
Love, 
Me 



Dear you, 

I want to be naked with you. 

Thanx, 
Me 


Dear friend, 

I may not understand every big word you use, but I am not an idiot. Stop making me feel like me beating you at scrabble was a fluke. i still think you are cool, but give your ego a break, k?thanx! 

hugs, 
me 

Dear former friend, 

I'm sorry that I didn't take your call on my birthday. I don't miss what we had anymore & it took me a long time to get there, but I'm over it and I don't feel the need to visit the past. 

-me


----------



## BigCutieSasha (May 30, 2007)

Dear Dad- 
Im all for lowing the power bill, helping the enviroment and saving energy. Im sorry I have left my hallway light on a bunch. But please don't talk to me like im doing something so fiercely wrong when you have the AC cranked up and have a sliding door and 4 windows OPEN while its running! I mean shit! 
Thanks  Your... Bug-a-boo. 


Dear Onyx- 
I know its your natural instinct, but DAMN child! We have had mice and birds both dead and a live. Then there was the BAT! What happened with that? Anyway, I just want you to leave the frogs alone. They are so cute and dumb. Please, just play with the toys I've given you hun.


----------



## ripley (May 30, 2007)

SummerG said:


> Dear friend,
> 
> I may not understand every big word you use, but I am not an idiot. Stop making me feel like me beating you at scrabble was a fluke. i still think you are cool, but give your ego a break, k?thanx!
> 
> ...





Dear Summer,

I am both scared this is about me  and also pleased that it might be 'cause you said "friend."

Neurotic and possibly pitiful,

rip


----------



## SummerG (May 30, 2007)

ripley said:


> Dear Summer,
> 
> I am both scared this is about me  and also pleased that it might be 'cause you said "friend."
> 
> ...


 
Dear Friend Ripley, 

Most definitely NOT about you! It was scrabble, not literati! Heeee! Besides, you have *never* treated me like you thought I was an idiot. I don't think my friend even realizes he's doing it... but he does. Which also reminds me of the time I was playing a game of truth or dare and some jackass asked if we could ask risque questions. Then asked me if I knew what that meant. My reply was "Yes, I do, do you know how to spell it?" he didn't, lol. Also one time someone else was telling me a story and was talking about a baguette. Then felt the need to pause and explain that it was french bread (long after I had explained that French was one of several languages I had studied). I mean really, just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm stupid, lol. ok, now I'm rambling sorry... You Rock Ripley! 

Hugs, 
Summer


----------



## ripley (May 30, 2007)

SummerG said:


> Dear Friend Ripley,
> 
> Most definitely NOT about you! It was scrabble, not literati! Heeee! Besides, you have *never* treated me like you thought I was an idiot. I don't think my friend even realizes he's doing it... but he does. Which also reminds me of the time I was playing a game of truth or dare and some jackass asked if we could ask risque questions. Then asked me if I knew what that meant. My reply was "Yes, I do, do you know how to spell it?" he didn't, lol. Also one time someone else was telling me a story and was talking about a baguette. Then felt the need to pause and explain that it was french bread (long after I had explained that French was one of several languages I had studied). I mean really, just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm stupid, lol. ok, now I'm rambling sorry... You Rock Ripley!
> 
> ...



Dear Summer,

Yay! I am so neurotic, lol. I'm glad it wasn't me though! I hate it too when people assume I'm dumb because I'm fat. I love disabusing them of that notion very quickly. 


:wubu:
rip


----------



## Renaissance Woman (May 30, 2007)

Dear Mom,

I worry about you. I never see you catch any food, so I can only assume you don't know how to kill it properly. True, you do seem to make food magically appear, but as I don't know how to do that, it's entirely possible your ability might vanish at any time. It's best to be prepared.

I brought in the dead things so you would recognize the proper size and types of prey, and I brought in the live things so you could learn how to finish them off. I never did see you do this, so I have to keep bringing more in until you learn. It's for your own good, and the sooner you learn, the better.

Toys are fun and all, but I can't eat them. I know. I've tried. I'll guess you can't eat them either. Frogs, on the other hand, are edible. They lack defenses like teeth or claws, so they're easy and safe to catch. You never did pick up on the other prey animals, so I'm having to go with frogs to teach you. Some of us need to start out at a lower level than others. Especially humans. Now be good and eat your frog and tell me what a good kitty I am while you pet me.

Love,
Onyx


----------



## BigCutieSasha (May 30, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Dear Mom,
> 
> I worry about you. I never see you catch any food, so I can only assume you don't know how to kill it properly. True, you do seem to make food magically appear, but as I don't know how to do that, it's entirely possible your ability might vanish at any time. It's best to be prepared.
> 
> ...



HAHAHAHAHAHA..... Oh that sounds like her.  Except she would have ended it like this. Now get off the computer and come rub my tummy in the sunlight how I like it.


----------



## TCUBOB (May 30, 2007)

Do you take credit cards? 

And a Carrie shaped bulge in Casey's belly would actually be about 3x as large as Casey. So I'm thinking that unless Casey has about a week's worth of vacation coming to her, she's going to need A) a motorized cart; B) a wheelbarrow; or C) some midget native bearers (she's not a tall drink of water, after all) to prop up her Carrie lump as they walk in front of her. 



TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Dear Carrie:
> 
> I wish you eat you whole.
> 
> ...





Carrie said:


> Dear Casey,
> 
> People here would pay good money to see big, fat Carrie-shaped bulge in your Anaconda belly.
> 
> ...


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (May 30, 2007)

Too much walking in current job and California not well known for midget natives. Wheelbarrow - best option!




TCUBOB said:


> Do you take credit cards?
> 
> And a Carrie shaped bulge in Casey's belly would actually be about 3x as large as Casey. So I'm thinking that unless Casey has about a week's worth of vacation coming to her, she's going to need A) a motorized cart; B) a wheelbarrow; or C) some midget native bearers (she's not a tall drink of water, after all) to prop up her Carrie lump as they walk in front of her.



In other news:

Dear assholes at Ben & Jerry's and Pasta Roni,

Why don't you have vending machines yet? I'm starving here. You are so fortunate I don't sue you.

Threateningly yours,

Casey


----------



## TCUBOB (May 30, 2007)

Dear Census Residents of a certain Congressional district:

First, let's start by thinning the herd a bit. Anyone who is of voting age, who pays their taxes, who is registered to vote, who actually voted, who could actually PASS the citizenship test, who can name the three branches of government, who knows the difference between the state and Federal legislative branch, who knows the difference between the House and the Senate, who can find America on a map, who can name the first three people in Presidential succession (or at least ID the jobs)....you can leave the room. Here's $5. Go get an ice cream cone.

The rest of you:

I'm not sure how many times I'm going to have to say this, but I'll try again. Shut the fuck up. Really. You're not contributing to the long and storied history of brilliant political discourse in America. In fact, you're a walking, talking, faxing, e-mailing advertisement for the failure of our school system, our civic pride, our ability to give a fuck, and our general supremacy in the world. Conservative, liberal, I don't care -- you're all ignorant fucks. Conservatives wouldn't know a proper immigration policy if it were standing in a police lineup wearing a t-shirt that said "Reasonable Legislative Proposal on Immigration." You'd rather demagogue on every proposal by labeling anything that moves as "amnesty."

Stop snickering, you liberal twit. I'm getting to you. Your inability to understand the fine art of compromise is going to make your time at the top short, you ninny. Your blatant inability to understand the basics of how to govern mark you as a nincompoop of the highest order. Your insistence on "renewable" resources yet your opposition to nuclear power, hydroelectric power, wind power, solar power and geothermal power all because they are A) bad for the environment, B) bad for your view or too close to your house, or C) both reveals you for the hypocrite that you are.

Both of you, of course, expose your ignorance on a daily basis by believing that if you see it on the Interwebs or hear it on Rush/Air America it MUST be true. Whereas if you would use the Internets for good (http://thomas.loc.gov) you would know A) how my boss voted and thus not make an ass out of yourself by railing against a yes or no vote that s/he didn't take B) what the fuck a particular bill does and maybe the name/number of the bill as well as C) what's on the goddamn floor of the House this week, saving yourself the embarrassment and me the 5 minutes of my life that I'll never get back when you call spewing ignorance like contagion from a TB victim hacking up a lung. 

Also, and this is a REALLY big stretch, it is QUITE possible that if you e-mail the Congressperson, fax the Washington and district offices, e-mail the bozo campaign caretaker, e-mail me personally at work with a link to your blog that I wouldn't read if you threatened to circumcise me with a rusty dull butter knife, call all of the offices, call the Capitol switchboard and ask to be connected to the office, write us a letter (identical to the fax), mail us the letter, walk the letter into one of the district offices, fill out a form expressing your opinion on the issue at said office and coax a verbal commitment out of the intellectually overmatched drool monkey intern who we force to "meet" with you about the Congressperson getting your message that the Congressperson and the staff of that office are STILL going to ignore your insane high-pitched screaming ramblings about how the government is covering up a 500 miles to the gallon car that only emits world peace, $400 gold bricks and distilled water with the light flavor of dainty rose petals because it DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST.

And we're not letting you off the hook, Mr. and Mrs. Apathy, because not giving a flying fuck about participating in the system isn't going to fly either. I don't care how many violin lessons, soccer games, choir recitals and rectal exams little Junior is due for in addition to the five jobs you work to make ends meet as a single parents with only 7 fingers and one leg, voting ain't that hard. And if you don't do it, you lose the right to make an ass out of yourself as outlined in the previous paragraph.

In summary, let's reiterate our main point (shut the fuck up), point out that no, America is NOT a democracy, it's a republic because you DON'T get to vote on any and everything, your member's job is not to be your little fucking puppet on a string and NOT everyone else agrees with you and even if they did you elected said member to MAKE decisions not parrot your ignorance on the floor of the House or Senate (which most electeds do quite well already). So in closing, allow me to provide you with this penny, which is representative of the 1,000 year value of the portion of my salary that your taxes pay for and suggest that maybe, just maybe, you should actually call your OWN elected representative because Congressperson X in fact does not represent your city/town/BDSM-equipped basement, was not elected to be the bitch of everyone in the state (unless they are a senator) and was CERTAINLY not elected to listen to a bunch of happy horseshit about how they represent you even though you are from an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STATE because you are an American and you KNOW WHAT THE CONSTITUTION says because you downloaded a copy as a screen saver that really installed spyware on your computer that's currently copying your keystrokes so it can drain your fat ass dry so that you an call and bitch about the inefficiency of government to stop crime while at the same time whine about the IRS crawling up your ass because you tried to claim Fido and Fluffy as dependents.

Sincerely,

Bob the Congressional staffer.


----------



## love dubh (May 30, 2007)

SummerG said:


> Dear Friend Ripley,
> 
> Most definitely NOT about you! It was scrabble, not literati! Heeee! Besides, you have *never* treated me like you thought I was an idiot. I don't think my friend even realizes he's doing it... but he does. Which also reminds me of the time I was playing a game of truth or dare and some jackass asked if we could ask risque questions. Then asked me if I knew what that meant. My reply was "Yes, I do, do you know how to spell it?" he didn't, lol. Also one time someone else was telling me a story and was talking about a baguette. Then felt the need to pause and explain that it was french bread (long after I had explained that French was one of several languages I had studied). I mean really, just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm stupid, lol. ok, now I'm rambling sorry... You Rock Ripley!
> 
> ...



My ex was a douchebag JUST LIKE THAT. What worked? "Yes, Joe, I know. I'm stupid..." and then pause, watch their expression, let them blather out a pitiful apology. Cut them off, and continue with the statement. 

They will get resentful, after a while. Because after all, THEY don't THINK you're stupid. No, no, no! But, you have to hammer it in that they need to THINK before they SPEAK. Oh, and they need to learn to not be condescending.

/anger.


----------



## Tad (May 31, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear Census Residents of a certain Congressional district:
> 
> ........
> 
> ...



But how do you REALLY feel?

Bye the way, very nicely ranted, I love me a good rant :smitten: (that is the rant, not bob, that has the lovey eyes).

Regards;

-Ed


----------



## TCUBOB (May 31, 2007)

Sometimes, you have to blow off a little steam. 



edx said:


> But how do you REALLY feel?
> 
> Bye the way, very nicely ranted, I love me a good rant :smitten: (that is the rant, not bob, that has the lovey eyes).
> 
> ...


----------



## Jane (May 31, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Sometimes, you have to blow off a little steam.


----------



## Carrie (May 31, 2007)

Dear two lovely FA's who flirted with me while on the road in the last several days, 

Please forgive my halfhearted response to your attempts at flirtation. I was feeling cruddy and gross and grumpy both times, and could - and should - have mustered the oomph to respond with some measure of enthusiasm. You both somehow managed to flirt overtly, yet not over-the-toply and not in such a way that I feared you might cause an auto accident, so kudos. And you made me feel pretty good, so thank you. 

Keep on flirtin', both of ya. 

Sincerely,
Me.


P.S. Seriously, I looked like ass both times. Is there something about a tired, mussed and flustered fat girl in an ancient, falling apart, ghetto SUV with broken a/c that does it for you? Whatever, god bless.


----------



## TCUBOB (May 31, 2007)

I find it impossible that our favorite slutty nurse could EVER look like ass. I'm sure the permanent halo of beauty that surrounds her like the annoying glows in all those crappy Kodak disc camera pictures I took when I was 11 at camp would far outshine anything else. 

And those who disagree? They get a boot to the head. 

Wait, no A/C?!?! OOOoooo.....sweaty, slutty nurse! Even better!



Carrie said:


> Dear two lovely FA's who flirted with me while on the road in the last several days,
> 
> Please forgive my halfhearted response to your attempts at flirtation. I was feeling cruddy and gross and grumpy both times, and could - and should - have mustered the oomph to respond with some measure of enthusiasm. You both somehow managed to flirt overtly, yet not over-the-toply and not in such a way that I feared you might cause an auto accident, so kudos. And you made me feel pretty good, so thank you.
> 
> ...


----------



## MisticalMisty (May 31, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Dear two lovely FA's who flirted with me while on the road in the last several days,
> 
> Please forgive my halfhearted response to your attempts at flirtation. I was feeling cruddy and gross and grumpy both times, and could - and should - have mustered the oomph to respond with some measure of enthusiasm. You both somehow managed to flirt overtly, yet not over-the-toply and not in such a way that I feared you might cause an auto accident, so kudos. And you made me feel pretty good, so thank you.
> 
> ...



when highway guy picked me up..I looked like hell.lol..so must be


----------



## Carrie (May 31, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Wait, no A/C?!?! OOOoooo.....sweaty, slutty nurse! Even better!



Sweaty, slutty nurse sitting in traffic cursing and drumming her fingers against the side of the car, no less! My nail polish is actually kinda a slutty color today. Maybe that's what did it?


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Jun 1, 2007)

ONYX! I said no more frogs!!


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Jun 1, 2007)

I count, I matter, and the whole entire world doesn't revolve around you. I can have a different opinion from you with out it making me unsupportive. I can not like a girl you like and it not be about jealousy. I am still a sexual being and while I understand being tired and stressed affects libido, its getting old...

I'm smart, funny, easy to talk to, personable and some people would even venture out far enough to say attractive. And... a pilot just gave me a flower. So there!


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 1, 2007)

Dear Co-Worker,

You are the whiniest almost 40 year old I've ever met. If doing simple but detailed tasks is so difficult for you, if you can not handle the stress of being accountable to the rest of us, if you feel as miserable and "overwhelmed" (at buying the food for our upcoming meeting, no less, not exactly rocket science), my advice is to quit already and try to be a happy person. Being around you makes me unhappy. Do it all ready. Follow your fucking dreams. We'll find a way to go on without you.

Sincerely,
Fellow worker so tired of your antics and depression.


----------



## EbonySSBBW (Jun 1, 2007)

Dear Treadmill,

I know that I haven't been on ya in a few weeks, due to my trip, but I've really been trying to get back on this week. You must have some magnetic power that is keeping me away. Please remove that power so that I can get back on and get back into my routine. I know that you enjoyed the break of not having to deal with my big body but enough is enough. Come on now!

Sincerely,
Fat girl trying to be healthy


----------



## Donna (Jun 1, 2007)

Dear Aetna Insurance Company Representative, 

My sincerest wish is that someday YOU have a chronic illness/pain and must navigate the myriad of red tape and hustles just to obtain basic necessary treatment. I am sure the person at your organization will be far more accommodating and helpful to you than you were to me.

I also strongly suggest reading, "How To Win Friends and Influence People." by Dale Carnegie or "Raving Fans" by Ken Blanchard (I highly recommend this one, it's a short easy read as well!) 

Yours Truly, 
One tired and hurting fat chick


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

Dear Backstabbing Office Douchebag:

I get it. You don't like me. You go out of your way to make up insulting nicknames for me. You report everything I say as well as most of the stuff I don't to the little boss. I get that your lips are so firmly attached to her ass that it's gonna take the Jaws of Life to remove them. I also get that you are the golden boy because one of the BFFs of the big boss likes you and that you're untouchable even though you haven't done a lick of work in two and a half years. I know that I make you insecure. I know that you're afraid that I make you look like you don't know your head from your ass. 

Guess what? It's time to grow up, put on your big boy pants and start playing the game like an adult. Don't go "tattling" on me every time I say something. Don't go whining in there every time I get something. Don't knock down my ideas because they come from me and don't continue poisoning the well. I got the goods to take you down and I'll do it, too, if you make me. 

And the happy horseshit about you gloating that I'm being put in the closet in the redesign? That's funny.....you thought I'd quit because you basically handed me a private office? Shit, I ought to thank you. Everyone else is jealous now, including you, and it's only a matter of time, I'm sure, before you try to take this for yourself. But guess what? You ain't getting it. And guess what else? The number of people with zero respect for you is grows every time you open your mouth. Oh, and BTW.....we're making a list of the things you don't know how to do that even staff assistants can do. It's a long list. Hope to read it to you someday. Until then, have fun being a petty bitch and you may want to think about the occasional dose of humility....because whether you know it or not, your ass is MINE.

Smootches, 

Bob

P. S. You're a sorry cocksucking sack of shit who throws like a girl and I hope that I get the opportunity to give "them" what I have on you....because if I do, this will be the first and last question that you'll hear on a fateful day:

"Do you want to be the husband, or do you want to be the wife?"

Chew on that, you motherfucking fatherraping cocky SOB.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 1, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> P. S. You're a sorry cocksucking sack of shit who throws like a girl .



Dear Bob,

I'm a girl. I can throw a ball like a freaking rocket. SO HA..lol

Misty


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

I stand corrected. Who throws like MOST girls (except for Misty and whoever else could put one in my ear).

So is that on the official list of what makes Misty so Mistical? Because if it ain't, it should be.....



MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Bob,
> 
> I'm a girl. I can throw a ball like a freaking rocket. SO HA..lol
> 
> Misty


----------



## Carrie (Jun 1, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Bob,
> 
> I'm a girl. I can throw a ball like a freaking rocket. SO HA..lol
> 
> Misty



I, on the other hand, do throw a ball like a girl. My Golden Retriever, with her red rubber ball, is very disappointed in me.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 1, 2007)

We forgive you for being a princess, Carrie.  

Anyhow...

Dear legs and back,

Please quit throbbing and making it hard for me to move. I will treat you to a massage from a well-oiled boy; I promise. Just do me this one favor and be good.

Casey


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 1, 2007)

EbonySSBBW said:


> Dear Treadmill,
> 
> I know that I haven't been on ya in a few weeks, due to my trip, but I've really been trying to get back on this week. You must have some magnetic power that is keeping me away. Please remove that power so that I can get back on and get back into my routine. I know that you enjoyed the break of not having to deal with my big body but enough is enough. Come on now!
> 
> ...



You can do it, Eb!

It's easy to slip out of exercise routines, but as strong-willed as you are, I know nothing can hold you back forever.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 1, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I stand corrected. Who throws like MOST girls (except for Misty and whoever else could put one in my ear).
> 
> So is that on the official list of what makes Misty so Mistical? Because if it ain't, it should be.....



Dear Bob,

I really can't throw that well..but I know..in my heart of hearts that you really aren't the type to make such a sexist comment 

Don't make fun of girls..it's not nice!

Misty


----------



## rainyday (Jun 1, 2007)

Dear crows,

Please stop having your whoopie orgies on my roof. The sound freaks us out.

Me and the cats


----------



## Jane (Jun 1, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear Backstabbing Office Douchebag:
> 
> I get it. You don't like me. You go out of your way to make up insulting nicknames for me. You report everything I say as well as most of the stuff I don't to the little boss. I get that your lips are so firmly attached to her ass that it's gonna take the Jaws of Life to remove them. I also get that you are the golden boy because one of the BFFs of the big boss likes you and that you're untouchable even though you haven't done a lick of work in two and a half years. I know that I make you insecure. I know that you're afraid that I make you look like you don't know your head from your ass.
> 
> ...



Dear Bob's Office Doucebag,

I'm driving up there, and I'm kicking your ass (I was going to do the Horseman riding before me thing but fuck it, you wouldn't get it).

Have your ass ready and the EMS on speed dial, and quit fucking with our Bob.

Your Benevolent Leader,

Jane


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

We need to get you a sling so you can go David-style. Or a little catapult!

Or a tennis ball cannon!!!! I used to LOVE those!!!!

Get three tennis ball cans; cut hole in bottom of two; attach to third (weld is best, but you can use duct tape.

Punch hole with ice pick about an inch from the bottom of can with bottom.

Squirt in lighter fluid.

Touch match.

BOOM! Tennis ball mortar attack! Or you catch fire. So use caution.





Carrie said:


> I, on the other hand, do throw a ball like a girl. My Golden Retriever, with her red rubber ball, is very disappointed in me.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

I only pull the hair of the ones that I LIKE. And point taken.

But he DOES throw in the same manner that most women do.



MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Bob,
> 
> I really can't throw that well..but I know..in my heart of hearts that you really aren't the type to make such a sexist comment
> 
> ...


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

I'm not well oiled, but I give one hell of a massage. Ask around. Strong hands. Strong thumbs. Tireless in the pursuit of relaxation, knot eliminiation, making people drool with pleasure on themselves. However, I don't get to the Golden State very often.



TheSadeianLinguist said:


> We forgive you for being a princess, Carrie.
> 
> Anyhow...
> 
> ...


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 1, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I only pull the hair of the ones that I LIKE.



You obviously haven't read much about me...or you'd know how much trouble you could be in for making this comment..lol


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

I <3 my Oklahoma guardian angel mama!



Jane said:


> Dear Bob's Office Doucebag,
> 
> I'm driving up there, and I'm kicking your ass (I was going to do the Horseman riding before me thing but fuck it, you wouldn't get it).
> 
> ...


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 1, 2007)

Anytime, darling. But you've got to show a little in return....that's all he asks. And sometimes, not even that. I find giving massages relaxing for me.



missaf said:


> Dear Bob,
> 
> TSL has her masseuse, so where's mine, hmm?
> 
> ~Missa


----------



## EbonySSBBW (Jun 2, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> You can do it, Eb!
> 
> It's easy to slip out of exercise routines, but as strong-willed as you are, I know nothing can hold you back forever.


 
Thanks TSL.  I finally got back on this evening but that was the hardest 2 miles that I've walked in a while. Geesh! It's so hard to get going again after such a long break.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 2, 2007)

Jane said:


> Dear Bob's Office Doucebag,
> 
> I'm driving up there, and I'm kicking your ass (I was going to do the Horseman riding before me thing but fuck it, you wouldn't get it).
> 
> ...



Hay, Why won't you beat up my office doucebag? 

I know, I know, you've got an inroad to the Party wagon where the beat down will take place. Just don't forget that there's more than enough doucebags in Labor and I could use your backup.


----------



## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Hay, Why won't you beat up my office doucebag?
> 
> I know, I know, you've got an inroad to the Party wagon where the beat down will take place. Just don't forget that there's more than enough doucebags in Labor and I could use your backup.



I'm gassing up the Pink Cadillac. The Pink Girls obviously need a "taking care of the office douchebags" run. Pink Girls, don your shirts. Stud Boys, don your thongs....we ride!!!


----------



## Carrie (Jun 2, 2007)

Dear dude,

Shut yer damn piehole. 

Thanks very much! 

Sincerely,
Me.


----------



## Tina (Jun 2, 2007)

missaf said:


> Dear Efax:
> 
> I liked your service when it was cheap. I liked it even better when it was free. Now that it's 16.95 a month, you can kiss my ass.
> 
> ...



Missa, will you go into detail about this? I thought about joining the other day. And how do you cancel from that?


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 2, 2007)

I've heard of those sorts of questionable tactics before, usually in the "shopping club" or some other type of "questionable value" service. You literally have to hold a gun to their head and have them spell it out or you didn't "cancel" and they bring that up next time.

My favorite was when I joined a gym at my office and tried to cancel a membership at Gold's Gym. First they told me I had to SEND THEM A LETTER, which I said no, I don't think so, then I had to talk to a particular person (never there) all while unaffiliated third party is trying to charge me for my membership but says they are only billing, not cancellation. So I got a lawyer buddy of mine on the line with me (the other brilliant thing is you have a minimum 2 hour hold to cancel, so I worked out a timetable in advance with him) and you would be AMAZED how quickly I was able to cut through layers of bullshit with that on the line. Threatening lawsuit is one thing; saying you have your legal representation on the line with you and you're counter-recording their call? Priceless.

The best part is it doesn't need to BE a lawyer....just someone who's seen a lot of Law and Order (or a law student, or someone who knows Latin) to make them crap their shorts.

And I LOVE me some Shiner Bock! After we take care of my problem, can I "thong up" and come help with Tiffany's Office Douchebag? I take up a lot of room and drink a lot of beer but I don't eat much and I swing a bat well....and I have a good poker face, sunglasses, and a goatee....



missaf said:


> You actually have to talk to a customer service representative to cancel your account. They try to sweet talk you into staying with promises of free service, complimentary credits, two free months of service, etc... but never say they will cancel your account. Four times I stated "No thanks, please cancel my account." while he pitched me ideas to stay.
> 
> Finally, I said "This is the last time I'm going to ask, cancel my account." and he replied, "Well thank you for using Efax, is there anything else I can help you with? yadda yadda yadda." without cancelling my account, so I had to say "Please let me know when you have processed my cancellation and give me a confirmation code." to which he said "Oh, I'll process that for you right away." without AGAIN saying he'd processed the cancellation.
> 
> ...


----------



## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> And I LOVE me some Shiner Bock! After we take care of my problem, can I "thong up" and come help with Tiffany's Office Douchebag? I take up a lot of room and drink a lot of beer but I don't eat much and I swing a bat well....and I have a good poker face, sunglasses, and a goatee....



The Stud Boys come in an amazing variety of sizes. That makes them fit easier in the hidden storage compartments of the Caddy!!!!

How do you feel about Big Bunny Slippers? The guy who usually wears those has been slipping lately, and after his "adjustment" I'm not sure he'll be able to remain in one position for any period of time. Do you mind subbing?


----------



## Tina (Jun 2, 2007)

missaf said:


> You actually have to talk to a customer service representative to cancel your account. They try to sweet talk you into staying with promises of free service, complimentary credits, two free months of service, etc... but never say they will cancel your account. Four times I stated "No thanks, please cancel my account." while he pitched me ideas to stay.
> 
> Finally, I said "This is the last time I'm going to ask, cancel my account." and he replied, "Well thank you for using Efax, is there anything else I can help you with? yadda yadda yadda." without cancelling my account, so I had to say "Please let me know when you have processed my cancellation and give me a confirmation code." to which he said "Oh, I'll process that for you right away." without AGAIN saying he'd processed the cancellation.
> 
> ...


Wow. How very unethical. Thanks for the warning, Missa. Cancelling should never be as much trouble as you had to go through.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 2, 2007)

Do you have them in a size 15? And do I get to put a cottontail on my thong?

Sorry about the problem vis-a-vis your natural beauty vs. the ClueX4. Some of us Stud Boys are just all beefcake and no brains, you know 



Jane said:


> The Stud Boys come in an amazing variety of sizes. That makes them fit easier in the hidden storage compartments of the Caddy!!!!
> 
> How do you feel about Big Bunny Slippers? The guy who usually wears those has been slipping lately, and after his "adjustment" I'm not sure he'll be able to remain in one position for any period of time. Do you mind subbing?


----------



## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Do you have them in a size 15? And do I get to put a cottontail on my thong?
> 
> Sorry about the problem vis-a-vis your natural beauty vs. the ClueX4. Some of us Stud Boys are just all beefcake and no brains, you know



That's why we wrote The Manual. It tends to straighten out all disagreements and leave lumps when needed.

Yes, you certainly may have a cottontail, and even bunny ears if you want them. We'll have an ummm...how shall I phrase this...foot comparison and see if there are any other 15's out there. If not, The Pink Girls will have to get busy making a new pair.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 2, 2007)

Ah, the manual......wife, mother -- secret lover, as Homer might say. 

But while I'm thinking about it.....can we go easy on my noggin? We were having a discussion the other night at the Memorial Day party and I was recounting the number of concussions that I've had (I think it's about 13, but I'm a little uncertain) and someone broached the topic that maybe, just maybe, I should start to give brain damage a thought. 

So if we can just whip me with a riding crop or give me the cat'o nine tails or somthing.....that's probably the way to roll here. Otherwise....well, my good looks aren't going to last forever. I may actually have to survive on my wits alone at some point..... 



Jane said:


> That's why we wrote The Manual. It tends to straighten out all disagreements and leave lumps when needed.
> 
> Yes, you certainly may have a cottontail, and even bunny ears if you want them. We'll have an ummm...how shall I phrase this...foot comparison and see if there are any other 15's out there. If not, The Pink Girls will have to get busy making a new pair.


----------



## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Ah, the manual......wife, mother -- secret lover, as Homer might say.
> 
> But while I'm thinking about it.....can we go easy on my noggin? We were having a discussion the other night at the Memorial Day party and I was recounting the number of concussions that I've had (I think it's about 13, but I'm a little uncertain) and someone broached the topic that maybe, just maybe, I should start to give brain damage a thought.
> 
> So if we can just whip me with a riding crop or give me the cat'o nine tails or somthing.....that's probably the way to roll here. Otherwise....well, my good looks aren't going to last forever. I may actually have to survive on my wits alone at some point.....




I think you just need a good, sound spanking. But that's another matter.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 2, 2007)

missaf said:


> You actually have to talk to a customer service representative to cancel your account. They try to sweet talk you into staying with promises of free service, complimentary credits, two free months of service, etc... but never say they will cancel your account. Four times I stated "No thanks, please cancel my account." while he pitched me ideas to stay.
> 
> Finally, I said "This is the last time I'm going to ask, cancel my account." and he replied, "Well thank you for using Efax, is there anything else I can help you with? yadda yadda yadda." without cancelling my account, so I had to say "Please let me know when you have processed my cancellation and give me a confirmation code." to which he said "Oh, I'll process that for you right away." without AGAIN saying he'd processed the cancellation.
> 
> ...



You can actually cancel/switch over to "AOL Free" now online.... thank God they finally smartened up when they changed their business model.


----------



## supersoup (Jun 3, 2007)

hey me,

snap out of it. soon, you'll be at the bottom of the spiral. 

me


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 3, 2007)

Dear great new online guy from AZ,

Please send me your damn picture. I really don't care if you don't think you're good looking. I really don't care if you think you're uglier than homely. I want to see what you look like. The phone sex it great, but it would be even better if I knew what you looked like. 

Please.

CJS


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 3, 2007)

Dear Soup:

We miss Soup. I love my Soup piping hot. Let us know if we can help.

Sincerely, 

The Soup is Souper Fan Club (SSFC)

P. S. Is your spiral a pie spiral? Because while those suck, there is normally pie on the way to the bottom, if not at the bottom as well. Ask Waxwing.



supersoup said:


> hey me,
> 
> snap out of it. soon, you'll be at the bottom of the spiral.
> 
> me


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 4, 2007)

Dear Brother, 

Mom has four kids. Three of us struggle to make ends meet. One of us simply cannot travel often due to work and family issues. The other two of us do what we can for our mother to ensure she has what she needs in this new stage of her life. We have sacrificed time and money, as well as sweat and tears, to get her where she is now. All of it has been done willingly and with no regret or resentment...I'd do it all again if I could. But now, dear Brother...it's time for you to live up to your promises. Not once have you been here to help. You call and put pressure on her to "buck up and start making changes" to make things better for herself without having a complete view of the situation. That's not helping...that's taking the coward's way...the lazy way. It's easy to call and tell her what she needs to do when you're removed from the situation and don't have to deal with it first-hand. One would think you'd never been in a precarious situation before and had to rely on others to help you up out of the hole you'd found yourself in. Having people stand at the top of the hole and yell down at you about finding footholds generally isn't very helpful when you're floundering already. 

I don't care if you have un-ending soccer games on the weekends, or that you're working yourself into an early grave...you made promises that we all expect you to keep. The world wouldn't come to an end if you found a substitute coach, or if you told your boys that you had to put things on hold for a weekend, or even if you asked for one day off from work (not counting any of the days you took off two weeks ago to go on your vacation cruise). But we don't even expect that of you (and the situation is pretty well past the need for that at this point, now that most of the grunt work is done). YOU volunteered to help monetarily...NO ONE asked. We made plans based on your many promises...and to this date, not one of them has seen the light of day. Yet you sit there with your pontifications on Mom's new life and what she needs to be doing, not exercising any muscle other than your tongue. Meanwhile, our other sibling is putting stress on her marriage and her bank account and wearing herself ragged trying to compensate in ways that I simply cannot, and you seem to not be willing to do. It's called priorities, dear Brother, and you're sending a very clear message to our Mother about where yours are...and it's hurtful to her, and makes me angry. 

You're the Big Man in the Family with the Big Important Job and Big Important Commitments that make it hard to get away...and you're also the one who filled us in on your new Big Important Salary with all kinds of great ways you could help in lieu of actually being here....it's long past time for you to put your money where your Big Important Mouth is.


With Utmost Sincerity,

Your Sister who loves you but is tired, broke, frustrated, and fed-up.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Jun 4, 2007)

Dear Liar,

Thank you for getting my hopes up and blasting them to bits. I finally got the nerve up to step out of my comfort level and try something new and you've ruined it. I was excited, super excited about this but because you are a no-good liar, it is no longer an option. You will suffer for this because madam, karma is a BITCH.

Pissed Off Me.



Dear You,

Ugh its been years and I know better, but seeing you the other night brought it all flooding back. We were just like we were, like time hadn't passed. I was amazed at how easily we picked up the banter we always had, being the good friends we always were. You stayed back to chat with me while the others moved on. I always wondered if part of you was interested, I know I had hoped but didn't think it was possible. Still it was so good seeing you again. I was shocked silly when you hugged me, but it was the best part of the evening. You will always have a piece of my heart.

Fondly,

Me


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 4, 2007)

Dear uterus, general reproductive system, and hormones,

Stop being stupid. I hate you and wish you weren't working at the beat of your fucked up little drummer. I would like you to simmer down and work on a nice schedule. So I could plan for things. Like when to carry "products" or when I'm going to want a nap. 

And not think I'm pregnant every three months because in case you didn't know pre-menstrual symptoms are JUST LIKE early pregnancy symptoms, you stupid hateful bitch.

Signed pre-menstrual from 27 to 40 to godknowswhen days at your stupid whim,
AFG

PS. BRING ME A COOKIE.
PPS. A COOKIE, NOT A BABY, JUST TO BE CLEAR.
PPPS. If you don't regulate how am I supposed to chart my fertility naturally? Do you want me to be celibate? Do you?

PPPPS. This is also entitled "the day 35 blues". Please join me ladies if you have letters to write.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 4, 2007)

<leaves plate of cookies, slowly backs away without turning around or making eye contact. Prepares to run for life if oatmeal raisin is found wanting.>


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jun 6, 2007)

I think if I added my letters to this place right now, I'd be permanently banned from here and chat. So I'll refrain.

<sigh>


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

As long as it's not personally identifiable characteristics, I can't see why. It's like how you can't call someone an SOB on the House floor.....he's your "good friend, the gentleman from Texas." You can say that people who DO or BELIEVE certain things are dumbass so-and-sos, but you just can't say who they are. Or use the word dumbass.



Sweet Tooth said:


> I think if I added my letters to this place right now, I'd be permanently banned from here and chat. So I'll refrain.
> 
> <sigh>


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 6, 2007)

Sweet Tooth said:


> I think if I added my letters to this place right now, I'd be permanently banned from here and chat. So I'll refrain.
> 
> <sigh>


 I think if people can get away with veiled jabs in their signatures, surely you can get away with veiled letters here, especially if it helps you feel better. 

BTW...welcome to the Clubhouse!! :bow:


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

They used to cuss each other out on the floor all the time until CSPAN started broadcasting it. Stupid transparency in government.



missaf said:


> Dear House of Representatives:
> 
> Things would be more fun if you spoke in dewdspeak instead of being so unabashedly farse.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

I don't want to see Denny Hastert, Phil English, Julia Carson or Ralph Hall in wrestling singlets. That said......

"Ladies....and.....gentlemen.....(Michael Buffer, new House bill clerk)....our first legislative bout of the evening will be "Long" John Boehner, the leader of "the Minority," with his payment in lieu of taxes (PILT) legislation, squaring off again the leader of the majority, the man with the plan, double-L, double S (Ladies Love Smooth Steny)......."Smoooooooooooth" Steny Hoyer!!!

New House parlimentarian Mills Lane: "Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Now LET'S GET IT ON!!!!"



missaf said:


> See, get rid of C-Span, and put a wrestling ring on the floor. Whoever survives the cage match wins the bill vote.


----------



## Tad (Jun 6, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I don't want to see Denny Hastert, Phil English, Julia Carson or Ralph Hall in wrestling singlets. That said......
> 
> "Ladies....and.....gentlemen.....(Michael Buffer, new House bill clerk)....our first legislative bout of the evening will be "Long" John Boehner, the leader of "the Minority," with his payment in lieu of taxes (PILT) legislation, squaring off again the leader of the majority, the man with the plan, double-L, double S (Ladies Love Smooth Steny)......."Smoooooooooooth" Steny Hoyer!!!
> 
> New House parlimentarian Mills Lane: "Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Now LET'S GET IT ON!!!!"



That made me smile. Now then, there are places where brawls in the government chambers happen---I saw an article on some recent ones around the world a week or two ago, but I forget where I read it. I think sometimes, as in hockey, a good brawl would help release some of that pent up emotion.

Just no weapons....in Canada the distance between the government and opposition benches in the house of parlement was sopposedly set so that if they both drew swords, the swords would not quite meet in the middle. But on average people are taller these days, so they just might....so I vote we keep weapons out of it, but piledrivers off the speaker's chair are OK so long as you say "Mr. Speaker, I'm going to unload an atomic elbow on the honorable member from Kicking-Horse Pass" first.

-Ed


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 6, 2007)

Management:

You can't have two people on during the day in our high-traffic store. Especially when both need to take breaks, and neither can step away, since that would mean leaving one person alone with a half-dozen customers to take care of. You've already cut back on how much we get for supplies- and product!- so don't cut back on our hours as well.

-Disgruntled deli employee


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

The Asian parliments, particularly Taiwan, have the best fights. Russia will occasionally throw down, and Mexcio had a nice donnybrook during the last presidential election certification.

The US House of Reps actually has a giant mace that they carry into the chamber when it comes into session each morning. If a member is unruly or out of order, the speaker or the "chairman of the cmte of the whole" (it's a technical difference) can theoretically order the "macing" of said member to restore order. 

Unfortunately, it's ceremonial. They just carry it over to the member and s/he is supposed to shut up. I've never seen it happen. Usually, the member in the chair just bangs the gavel and yells for order.

What we really need is a Spanish broadcasters table on the House floor, because that's traditionally where the WWE puts people through the table so as not to interrupt J. R. and The King. It's always the first to go. I can see Jeff Flake putting Tom Tancredo right through it during the immigration debate, right before Steve King races out from the GOP cloakroom to put the "Rock Bottom" on Flake, causing his tag-team partner, Luis Guitierrez, to try and rush to his aid while Mills Lane, back to the action, holds him off not knowing of the unfair interference by Rep. King.



edx said:


> That made me smile. Now then, there are places where brawls in the government chambers happen---I saw an article on some recent ones around the world a week or two ago, but I forget where I read it. I think sometimes, as in hockey, a good brawl would help release some of that pent up emotion.
> 
> Just no weapons....in Canada the distance between the government and opposition benches in the house of parlement was sopposedly set so that if they both drew swords, the swords would not quite meet in the middle. But on average people are taller these days, so they just might....so I vote we keep weapons out of it, but piledrivers off the speaker's chair are OK so long as you say "Mr. Speaker, I'm going to unload an atomic elbow on the honorable member from Kicking-Horse Pass" first.
> 
> -Ed


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

Crack that skull like an egg....

You've heard of the famous Brooks-Sumner bout, have you not?



missaf said:


> Is the mace heavy? Would it make a nice dent in someone's skull?
> 
> Maybe weapons should be provided
> 
> ETA, I found a picture, thanks Bob


----------



## Jane (Jun 6, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> They used to cuss each other out on the floor all the time until CSPAN started broadcasting it. Stupid transparency in government.



Didn't stop the British Parliment.


----------



## Jane (Jun 6, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> The Asian parliments, particularly Taiwan, have the best fights. Russia will occasionally throw down, and Mexcio had a nice donnybrook during the last presidential election certification.
> 
> The US House of Reps actually has a giant mace that they carry into the chamber when it comes into session each morning. If a member is unruly or out of order, the speaker or the "chairman of the cmte of the whole" (it's a technical difference) can theoretically order the "macing" of said member to restore order.
> 
> ...



I am SO sending that to our new ODP Chair. I think that might be useful in Central Committee meetings.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

Better. They censured him, he resigned in protest and returned to his district, which had a special election where he was elected with all but SIX of the votes cast, if I remember correctly. He was also sent a fine collection of canes from all over the South to go back and beat the hell out of a few more Yankees. But he got sick on the return trip and died.

Sumner had called out his uncle, the Sen. from SC, on the Senate floor for using hookers.



missaf said:


> Oh, yeah! Before the Civil War, one got offended at the other's use of slavery type language in regards to Kansas or somesuch, and Brooks beat Sumner with his cane, right? If I recall correctly, Brooks was entrenched in the south and they couldn't get the votes to censure him. Politics as usual!


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

if you want to know who owns your politician....

http://www.opensecrets.org/


----------



## Jane (Jun 6, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> if you want to know who owns your politician....
> 
> http://www.opensecrets.org/




www.followthemoney.org as well...see who's giving
http://www.politicalmoneyline.com/cgi-win/x_candidate.exe?DoFn=&sYR=2008
http://www.campaignmoney.com/
http://www.fundrace.org/neighbors.php
http://www.publicintegrity.org/527/iys.aspx?st=OK&cycle=2006&sub=2


----------



## Tad (Jun 6, 2007)

Dear Brain;

Please let me stay concentrated on something for more than twenty minutes at a time. I promise Ill let you do some diverting stuff later, but work would be ever so much more comfortable a place if I could stay focused on work for at least the length of a CD. So that sudden desperate thirst for *something different* I could deal with, if youd keep it down to every forty-five minutes or so, OK?

-Ed


----------



## Jane (Jun 6, 2007)

edx said:


> Dear Brain;
> 
> Please let me stay concentrated on something for more than twenty minutes at a time. I promise Ill let you do some diverting stuff later, but work would be ever so much more comfortable a place if I could stay focused on work for at least the length of a CD. So that sudden desperate thirst for *something different* I could deal with, if youd keep it down to every forty-five minutes or so, OK?
> 
> -Ed



I thought it said Brian. THAT's how distracted I am.


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 6, 2007)

Dear family,

I was about three goddamn seconds away from having an awesome orgasm. Why is it that you decide to get home right then? You couldn't have waited another thirty seconds?

-Horny Blackjack


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

I would have filed that under confessions and complaints, but.....fair enough. 

Though now I'm decidedly looking around for a topic change....boy, those Yankees....does their pitching suck or WHAT?



Blackjack said:


> Dear family,
> 
> I was about three goddamn seconds away from having an awesome orgasm. Why is it that you decide to get home right then? You couldn't have waited another thirty seconds?
> 
> -Horny Blackjack


----------



## Jane (Jun 6, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I would have filed that under confessions and complaints, but.....fair enough.
> 
> Though now I'm decidedly looking around for a topic change....boy, those Yankees....does their pitching suck or WHAT?



Okay, Joy made me feel guilty for my line.....sulking.


----------



## Tad (Jun 6, 2007)

Dear appetite;

Enough already. See the letter to brain, just up the list? Well you are not helping with this constant “I’m hungry” stuff. Seriously, I had a perfectly adequate lunch, and I had an orange less than an hour ago as a snack. You’ve been fed just fine, and the fat cells are ready to support me for a few months even if you had not been fed. And now I’m supposed to be working, so no I can’t go and guy you a Danish or double bacon cheese burger or medium pizza all for yourself. And supper will be late tonight because I have to coach soccer right after work. 

To summarize:
1)	You’ve been fed adequately
2)	There is no food available right now or for a few hours to come
3)	No, honestly, I’m not starving to death
4)	Please, for once, just go to sleep for a couple of hours. If I wanted someone begging for food constantly I’d get a dog.

Regards;

Me


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 6, 2007)

Dear Horny Blackjack, 

TMI  

Love,

Me


----------



## Carrie (Jun 6, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> I think if people can get away with veiled jabs in their signatures, surely you can get away with veiled letters here, especially if it helps you feel better.



That reminds me. 



Dear <person/people with excessive signatures>,

Please consider this petition a formal request to cease using excessive signatures in your posts here. 

Excessive signatures are characterized by:

* Excessively large fonts
* Excessive use of colors or fancy font styles
* More than three signature lines (and really, three is pushing it, in many cases. Less is more.) 
* Excessively idiotic drivel about "my man" and "your man" and men and blah blah blah men blah blah. You're not Tyra Banks, snapping in a circle, and nobody gives a rat's ass.
* Excessive references to submission, or domination. "Submission is a gift" is a craptastic signature. I'm not saying it's fair, that's just the way it is, homeslice. (and putting it in lavender script only hurts your case.)
* Excessively large images in your signature. Large images = Carrie has to scroll more to get past your post. Increased scrolling for Carrie = tired fingers. Tired fingers = less masturbation. Less masturbation = cranky Carrie. Mmkay? 

If you refuse to comply with this petition's request, that will only strengthen my conviction that the reason you have so much crap in your signature is to distract me from the fact that you have, in fact, nothing to say. 

Thank you very much for your attention to this matter. 


Sincerely,
Me.






P.S. Nobody in the Clubhouse has an annoying signature! Don't even start with the "are you talking about me? " No, I'm not.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 6, 2007)

I'm changing my signature to:

Are you talking about me?


----------



## Jane (Jun 6, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> I'm changing my signature to:
> 
> Are you talking about me?



No, it was about, me, I just know it!!!!!


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 6, 2007)

Clearly, she was busting on me, since I've got three signature lines. I guess she's tired of reading about cranky Baltimoreans, teenaged pussy, and good facial bone structure.

Yeah, carpal tunnel is hell on masturbation, ain't it?


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jun 6, 2007)

Carrie said:


> That reminds me.
> *"Submission is a gift"​*









Good times.


----------



## Carrie (Jun 6, 2007)

SamanthaNY said:


> Good times.



SNORT. Yep, that's the font color & type. Perfection.


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 7, 2007)

Dear people who use excessively large fonts and too many colors in the main body of their message,

What Carrie said applies doubly to you. If you want to achieve the same effect with less work, why not just preface all your posts with the words "I AM A CRAZY PERSON, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS POST"?


----------



## Fuzzy (Jun 7, 2007)

SlackerFA said:


> Dear people who use excessively large fonts and too many colors in the main body of their message,
> 
> What Carrie said applies doubly to you. If you want to achieve the same effect with less work, why not just preface all your posts with the words "I AM A CRAZY PERSON, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS POST"?



I now have a title for my next clog.


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 7, 2007)

Jane said:


> Okay, Joy made me feel guilty for my line.....sulking.


 What did I do to make you feel guilty, Boopykins?? **petting Jane's hair** 

....

(sorry...sulking women bring out the nurturer in me)


----------



## Jane (Jun 7, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> What did I do to make you feel guilty, Boopykins?? **petting Jane's hair**
> 
> ....
> 
> (sorry...sulking women bring out the nurturer in me)



My comment was ruder than Mini's, so i knew it HAD to go.


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 7, 2007)

Jane said:


> My comment was ruder than Mini's, so i knew it HAD to go.


 Oh, see...I've been so out of it, I didn't even notice. These days, rude just slides on by me, mostly. Please don't censor yourself on my behalf!


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 7, 2007)

I confess, I must have missed Jane's rude comment. In other news, Rep. Loretta Sanchez needs to invest in a warm-up jacket. Because a public cafeteria is no place for a halter-topped member of Congress fresh from sweatin' to the oldies. 

And I don't know what to make of this....but she looked....like she had a baby bump. I know the difference between a fat belly and a pregnant belly, and hers looked PREGNANT.

I'm betting on Joe Baca as the father....which is funny only if you know that he and the Sanchez sisters have been bitterly feuding in the Congressional Hispanic Caucus because Joe's a sexist pig.

Hmmm.....the letters thread is becoming more and more political....I should really just be posting this crap on You've Got Bob in Your Life.


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 7, 2007)

Dear landlord who is trying to find a tenant,

If your ad has four pictures of the outside of the building but _none at all_ of the apartment itself, and if nobody has rented it yet even though you've been posting the exact same ad _every week for the past six months_, you might as well be telling regular Craigslist browsers "this apartment sucks, don't bother." I know I'm not going to.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 7, 2007)

Dear ants, 

I can outlast you. I will kill you all. I will live longer than you. I have enough vinegar to do this over and over and over again. 

Give up, get out, leave us be.

-The giant bitch with the spray bottle who no longer hesitates to step on you with bare feet.


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 7, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Dear ants,
> 
> I can outlast you. I will kill you all. I will live longer than you. I have enough vinegar to do this over and over and over again.
> 
> ...



You might outlive the individual ant, but the colony will likely last far longer than you will.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 7, 2007)

Hmmm....what kind of ants? Carpenter ants? Red ants? Black ants? Details. I know an ant person.....my cousin was an entemology major and worked in pest control for years. And I know things about ants.



AnnMarie said:


> Dear ants,
> 
> I can outlast you. I will kill you all. I will live longer than you. I have enough vinegar to do this over and over and over again.
> 
> ...


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 7, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Hmmm....what kind of ants? Carpenter ants? Red ants? Black ants? Details. I know an ant person.....my cousin was an entemology major and worked in pest control for years. And I know things about ants.



Black ants, like carpenter, but smaller, but not those tiny little ants that gather on top of a snack dropped on the sidewalk. 

The vinegar is working really well, but if I don't do it every day or so, they start coming back... I can't use anything toxic because of the kitties.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 7, 2007)

Have you found where they are coming in? Is there something that they're being drawn to? Something with an electrical current?



AnnMarie said:


> Black ants, like carpenter, but smaller, but not those tiny little ants that gather on top of a snack dropped on the sidewalk.
> 
> The vinegar is working really well, but if I don't do it every day or so, they start coming back... I can't use anything toxic because of the kitties.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 7, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Have you found where they are coming in? Is there something that they're being drawn to? Something with an electrical current?



Can't find a source for them... but they're in one "half" of the apartment more than the other, and there are electrical currents everywhere, so no way to narrow it down. 

My apartment smells like salad. All. The. Time.


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 7, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Black ants, like carpenter, but smaller, *but not those tiny little ants that gather on top of a snack dropped on the sidewalk.*



Is this some special breed of ants, AM, that wait by the sidewalk for snacks to be dropped (gotta be a snack, no morsels or full meals) and then gather on top of them?


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 7, 2007)

Caesar? Spinach? Chef? Asian Chicken?

Ok, now I'm just being silly.

But seriously, you either need to figure out what's attracting them or where they are getting in or where they are from. Preferably No. 3, so you can wipe them out, or No. 1, so you can correct that....No. 2 is the hardest and likely the toughest to fix because ants can get ANYWHERE.



AnnMarie said:


> Can't find a source for them... but they're in one "half" of the apartment more than the other, and there are electrical currents everywhere, so no way to narrow it down.
> 
> My apartment smells like salad. All. The. Time.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 7, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> (emphasis mine)
> 
> Is this some special breed of ants, that wait on (or near) the sidewalk for snacks (gotta be a snack only) to be dropped and then gather on top of them?



I think so... because you never see them until the chip hits the ground, and then they just seem to form out of thin air!


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Jun 8, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Can't find a source for them... but they're in one "half" of the apartment more than the other, and there are electrical currents everywhere, so no way to narrow it down.
> 
> My apartment smells like salad. All. The. Time.


Dear AnnMarie,

Try pepper spray. I got some at a farmers' coop, specifically designed to get rid of ants & other bugs. Doesn't smell like anything, and doesn't hurt the cats.

Good luck,
-Barb


----------



## elle camino (Jun 8, 2007)

i lived in a house with an ant problem, once.
it was 8 of us living there, so we had this huge house meeting about it and argued about it for like 2 hours. the house split into the 'fuck _yes_ we're killing them. with chemicals.' camp vs. the 'ants are sentient beings with pure souls who deserve to live as freely as any of us do' camp. 
chemical camp won, but we made a concession and used these funky organic traps we got at city peoples mercantile. here's how it went down:
phase one: original, tiny ants disappear. and are replaced with fewer, larger ants. huh.
phase two (more organic traps): second wave of ants disappear, and SIGNIFIGANTLY LARGER ants show up, but in signifigantly smaller numbers. hmm!

at that point we gave up. a couple of us wanted to go one more round, in hopes we'd finally just have one giant ant like the size of a doberman. we were going to put a collar on him and call him uncle ant.


to be honest we were stoned pretty much constantly, in that house.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 8, 2007)

Really? Stoned? This post would have NEVER called that to anyone's attention....... 

Dammit, I cannot rep the Doberman-sized ant. Fucking REP SYSTEM!!!!!! Making me into a REP WHORE!!!!! 



elle camino said:


> at that point we gave up. a couple of us wanted to go one more round, in hopes we'd finally just have *one giant ant like the size of a doberman*. we were going to put a collar on him and call him uncle ant.
> 
> 
> to be honest we were stoned pretty much constantly, in that house.


----------



## Tad (Jun 8, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Black ants, like carpenter, but smaller, but not those tiny little ants that gather on top of a snack dropped on the sidewalk.
> 
> The vinegar is working really well, but if I don't do it every day or so, they start coming back... I can't use anything toxic because of the kitties.



What about ant traps? We had ants in one apartment, and a young and curious cat, and used these without aparent cat harm and with good success on getting rid of the ants. They are little metal tins with a few holes around the outside, with pellets of poison bait inside. The ants are attracted to it, pick up a piece, and take it back to the nest, where many ants eat it and subsequently die. With a bit of good fortune they take the yummy right to the queen. You can always tape down the traps so the cats don't bat them around, and anyways they are supposed to be placed right along wall edges and similar half-hidden places where the ants are apt to travel.

Best of luck!

-Ed


----------



## SoVerySoft (Jun 8, 2007)

edx said:


> What about ant traps? We had ants in one apartment, and a young and curious cat, and used these without aparent cat harm and with good success on getting rid of the ants. They are little metal tins with a few holes around the outside, with pellets of poison bait inside. The ants are attracted to it, pick up a piece, and take it back to the nest, where many ants eat it and subsequently die. With a bit of good fortune they take the yummy right to the queen. You can always tape down the traps so the cats don't bat them around, and anyways they are supposed to be placed right along wall edges and similar half-hidden places where the ants are apt to travel.
> 
> Best of luck!
> 
> -Ed



I have the same ants as AM. They don't pay any attention to ant traps. The tiny ants do, but these aren't the tiny ants.


----------



## Jane (Jun 8, 2007)

SoVerySoft said:


> I have the same ants as AM. They don't pay any attention to ant traps. The tiny ants do, but these aren't the tiny ants.



Coffee grounds (used) confuse them and they can't find their nest again. Try them for a week, daily, and I bet you notice a difference.


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 9, 2007)

Dear Family and Friends,
Please stop trying to get me back on a diet. I'm tired of talking diet, eating diet and just want to be left in my natural fat state. I know you mean well and you continually say it is for my health's sake, but if I'm not worried about it, why should you be. Also, please let me talk about how I'm feeling without having to "one up" me. I am so tired of being the strong reliable one. Once in a while, I'd love to be irresponsible and just spend my hard earned money willy nilly on stuff like clothes and shoes.

Also, please stop guilting Mark into doing stuff for you on the weekends. I am tired of feeling like a widow because my husband is off doing chores for family and friends because he feels bad because no one else is helping you. I'm feeling really, really neglected and that is not a good thing for me. 

Mark, please stop feeling like you have to give gifts to all our friends' graduating teens. We aren't even able to afford gifts for family members, let alone every one else we know.

Step-Dad, I just wish you had been more accepting of Mark. Perhaps then, after Mom died, I'd have come to visit more often. Now you are having problems with your current wife due to alzheimers and poor family communication. I am sorry your wife has been taken to live with her son and you feel like you'll never see her again. I'm sorry you have to move into an assisted living facility. But, it isn't like you'll be neglected since your daughter runs the place. I wish I could do more, but when Mom died that part of my life died too. I just wish you understood how difficult it was for me to see the house my Mom had lived in, without feeling a terrible pain evertime I stepped through the door. I wish you understood how much I miss Mom and how hurt I was that everyone told me to lose weight or I'd end up dying young like she did.

Dear Aunt Margie,
I'm sorry I never was able to get to Florida to visit. Now it's too late. I'll miss you so much. 

Well, I think this is all I can say for now. 

Love

Ella


----------



## Santaclear (Jun 9, 2007)

Dear ants,

Back off. You've made your point. Now it's time to live and let live.


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Jun 9, 2007)

Dear Hot Boys,

Please flirt with me. Now. 

-Barb


----------



## SoVerySoft (Jun 9, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Dear ants,
> 
> Back off. You've made your point. Now it's time to live and let live.



Could you please cc: my ants on this?


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 9, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Dear Hot Boys,
> 
> Please flirt with me. Now.
> 
> -Barb



Dear Barb,

:batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: :batting: 

-Hot boy (pfff, yeah right)


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 10, 2007)

Ehhh, Civ IV is no Civ III IMHO.


----------



## Mini (Jun 10, 2007)

Dear Brain-to-Mouth Filter,

Fuck me on this date and I will destroy you.

Sincerely,

Mini


----------



## rainyday (Jun 10, 2007)

Dear God,

Thanks!

rainy


P.S. to God....Please send Mini some charcoal socks for use on his date. 

P.S. to Mini....Just ask her questions and let her do most of the talking and you'll both minimize the risk AND make her think you're cool. It's a win-win.


----------



## Tina (Jun 10, 2007)

And you'll get to know her better, too! Good advice, rainy.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 10, 2007)

Good advice, but lots of girls aren't talkative....especially on a first date...we should have given him a list of 5 or 6 "go-to" open-ended questions....:doh: 

Bob



rainyday said:


> P.S. to God....Please send Mini some charcoal socks for use on his date.
> 
> P.S. to Mini....Just ask her questions and let her do most of the talking and you'll both minimize the risk AND make her think you're cool. It's a win-win.





Tina said:


> And you'll get to know her better, too! Good advice, rainy.


----------



## Jane (Jun 10, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Good advice, but lots of girls aren't talkative....especially on a first date...we should have given him a list of 5 or 6 "go-to" open-ended questions....:doh:
> 
> Bob



Probably because they have a bunch of friends telling them, "Let him talk."


----------



## rainyday (Jun 10, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Good advice, but lots of girls aren't talkative....especially on a first date...we should have given him a list of 5 or 6 "go-to" open-ended questions....:doh:
> 
> Bob



Yes, but the tricky bit is she might have noticed them written on the back of his hand.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 10, 2007)

Or he would have smeared them wiping the flop sweat from his brow.


----------



## saucywench (Jun 14, 2007)

Dear dumbasses (although I get the feeling that there may be just one of you) at Xxx Xxx Publishing Services,

What the hell are your credentials, anyway? Why am I spending time editing the mistakes that YOU added to my draft? Why am I sometimes seeing in this proof en dashes used to hyphenate words and sometimes seeing hyphens to hyphenate words? What's up with that? 

If you don't know simple editing standards such as the difference between an en dash and a hyphen, and the conditions for using one over the other, you don't need to be working in publishing.

Grr.  

Signed, 

Someone Who Should Be Getting Paid to Do Your Job

P.S. Oh, yeah--the correct answer is HYPHEN.:doh:


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 14, 2007)

Dear Ex boyfriend,

I loved you SO much and when you proposed I was the happiest girl on the planet. As the time got closer to our wedding you started acting slightly off but I put it down to nerves. Right up to the point where two weeks before the big day I found your ex-girlfriends car outside the house at 2am. Not smart. Leaving the windows open on a hot summer night was even less smart. Lying about what had happened was the least smart thing of all.

I honestly could have written that off as a one time mistake and gone ahead with the marriage but you chose to lie about it. It was the lying that made me call off the wedding, not the cheating.

Fast forward six months and we’re trying to make a friendship work. I’m pleased that you’re happy; you’re pleased to be my friend. 

Despite the efforts and words of wisdom from my friends and family I believed everything you told me about how sorry you were and decided you deserved a second chance. You made a point of telling everyone just how bad you’d been and that you’d learnt your lesson. You publicly announced that you would look after me this time. You told the world that you appreciated that this was your second and final chance and that you wouldn’t ever hurt me again. I believed you, again. I trusted you, again.

We made plans a second time to marry and you were very understanding that I wanted to keep things low key. I thought that was nice of you. When you said you wanted to visit your Father in the US to try to re-build some bridges before the ceremony I thought it was such a great idea I lent you the money for your airfare to the Mid West. Imagine my surprise to hear that you’d taken my money and flown to the East Coast to marry someone else. I’m sure you’ll understand that I was a little too short of funds to send a wedding present.

Fast forward six months and you’re divorced and completely broke. I didn’t tell anyone that it was me who drove a 500 mile round trip to pick you up from the airport. 

We tried again to make a friendship work but things are on my terms this time and you weren't very happy about that. Tough. Years later and we are still persevering and, because of all the good times that we shared, I was able to put the bad stuff behind us. We settled back into a friendship and it was cool. We’ll never be as close as we were but we had a history and we understood each other. We still enjoyed each others company and I thought we liked and respected each other.

Then one day you let something slip and I haven’t spoken to you since. 

Now I’m fed up of your endless indignant messages that I’m not being fair. I don’t want to read your long, aggrieved emails about how you don’t understand what you did wrong. I’d worked out for myself long ago that you were vain and selfish. I could cope with the fact that you were arrogant and judgemental. What finally turned the tide, all these long years later, wasn’t even that when you’d got married you’d put the ring you bought me onto her finger. 

It was that you made a joke about it. 

As far as I am concerned no profanity could ever conjure up the depth of my disgust for you. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to &#8216;work it out’, I don’t want to hear another apology and I can’t even be bothered to explain it all to you because you don’t deserve my time. My life is better without you in it. I doubt you’ll ever be happy and I couldn’t care less. You make me sick.

The fact that I can write this all out and share it with strangers, all of whom show me more respect than you ever did, gives me a great deal of pleasure. I know you’ll never read it and that pleases me too. I wish you a long and happy life, I hope you find whatever you’re looking for but most of all I just hope you’ll stay a long way away from me and everyone I care about. 

Tracey


----------



## Tina (Jun 14, 2007)

Wow. (((((((Tracey))))))


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 14, 2007)

Tina said:


> Wow. (((((((Tracey))))))



Seconded!!!!


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 14, 2007)

Lol - thank you! A small disclaimer here in case you decide to send a Dims sponsored raiding party to clear my house of prescription drugs and sharp implements...

I'm fine  the majority of this happened a long time ago but only came to a head recently. I feel like an almighty fool but thats nothing new for me where matters of the heart are concerned. It feels SO good to admit just how (excuse me) FUCKING DUMB I can be but hey, first step is admitting you have a problem, right? lol 

For anyone who managed to plough through it all - thank you for listening. And Soupersoup, thank you for giving me the chance to do something deeply cathartic and hugely enjoyable!

Tracey xx


----------



## Jane (Jun 14, 2007)

I'm glad he's gone from your life.

I can look behind me and see a Chain of Fools as well.

I'm just SO happy they are behind.

I think you are as well.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 14, 2007)

Holy crap, I joke about EVERYTHING and even I wouldn't joke about THAT....

You want we should whack him?


----------



## Friday (Jun 14, 2007)

Whack him and send that woman he married a sympathy/thank you card.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 14, 2007)

(((((((((((Tracey)))))))))

Been there - glad he's gone. Life moves on and better men find you.:wubu:


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 14, 2007)

Dear Gall Bladder:

You couldn't wait 2 more days???????????

You made me miss Stevie!!!!!!

For that you shall pay! (evil laugh)

Me


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 14, 2007)

(((((((Tracey))))))))

I'm glad you posted your letter. I hope it helps you to totally put that low-life out of your life and out of your mind.

~Ella


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Mr. AZ....

Thank you so much for the pearls.... OMG.... I've never had a man buy me anything before.... ever..... When I picked the envelope up from the post office and sat in my car and opened it, I cried so hard one of my contacts slipped out.... I have never had anyone be so wonderfully sweet to me like you have. You are so special to me. I don't deserve this.... I'm just me...no one special....

I cannot wait to meet you. Are you "the one"? Are you who I have been waiting for, for 20+ years???

Kisses,

Christine


----------



## Friday (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Violet,

You DO deserve it and you are special. 

Silly girl.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 15, 2007)

Oh yippee more people in love!!!:wubu: 




Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear Mr. AZ....
> 
> Thank you so much for the pearls.... OMG.... I've never had a man buy me anything before.... ever..... When I picked the envelope up from the post office and sat in my car and opened it, I cried so hard one of my contacts slipped out.... I have never had anyone be so wonderfully sweet to me like you have. You are so special to me. I don't deserve this.... I'm just me...no one special....
> 
> ...


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 15, 2007)

Great to hear, Vi!!! Stupendous para tu!!!



Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear Mr. AZ....
> 
> Thank you so much for the pearls.... OMG.... I've never had a man buy me anything before.... ever..... When I picked the envelope up from the post office and sat in my car and opened it, I cried so hard one of my contacts slipped out.... I have never had anyone be so wonderfully sweet to me like you have. You are so special to me. I don't deserve this.... I'm just me...no one special....
> 
> ...


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Dims Friends,

Thank you!! I'm very excited.....

I'll get pics of the pearls and post them in my blog....

:wubu: 

hugs to all of you for being so nice to me....


Vi


----------



## Carrie (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Overcast Weather,

Fuck off and let the sun shine. This is day three of my head feeling like ass. Enough. 

Sincerely,
Me.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 15, 2007)

As overnight winds shift to the south and high pressure moves in, expect clearing in the Washington, DC area. Saturday's temperature is expected to be in the low to mid 80s....a perfect day.

However, Sunday-Tuesday, look for the 3 H's: Hot, Humid, and Hazy. Temps will be in the low to mid 90s, and we could see some action on the heat index depending on the humidity.

And that's the weather forecast in YOUR neighborhood. Now back to "Storm Chasers: Brave Scientists or Brain-Dead Thrill-Seeking Uninsurable Adrenaline Junkies?"



Carrie said:


> Dear Overcast Weather,
> 
> Fuck off and let the sun shine. This is day three of my head feeling like ass. Enough.
> 
> ...


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Self,

I need you to buck up, lil soldier. I don't want to see you throwing pity parties, nor do I want to see you not living up to your potential. Remember that if you don't like how something in your life is going, _you can change it._ You daily wake up believing you can change the big picture, why not apply that hope to your daily life and try to create a little personal revolution, eh?

Don't whine. Don't stay in your rut. Forcefully, brilliantly explode forward towards your goals. At this point, the only thing holding you back is yourself.

Of course, its okay to want to take a break. And I think you need it. But until you can, get to workin' on yourself and your life. It's the only one you've got.

With love and exasperation,

Tiffany


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear self:

If you're gonna do it, you got 20 minutes in which to do it, maybe even less. After that you gotta get in the shower and get your ass to the movies.

Figure it out, dammit.

-Me



ETA: Dumbass. You waited too long. Good luck tonight, moron.


----------



## Tina (Jun 15, 2007)

Best letter ever, Tiffany. So positive and uplifting. I do hope you believe it, because I do.


----------



## Jane (Jun 15, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> As overnight winds shift to the south and high pressure moves in, expect clearing in the Washington, DC area. Saturday's temperature is expected to be in the low to mid 80s....a perfect day.
> 
> However, Sunday-Tuesday, look for the 3 H's: Hot, Humid, and Hazy. Temps will be in the low to mid 90s, and we could see some action on the heat index depending on the humidity.
> 
> And that's the weather forecast in YOUR neighborhood. Now back to "Storm Chasers: Brave Scientists or Brain-Dead Thrill-Seeking Uninsurable Adrenaline Junkies?"



All in all, Toto, you're not in Texas anymore.


----------



## supersoup (Jun 15, 2007)

dear ______,

you make me the saddest of the sad, although i know you have no idea that you do. i think you're awesome, and the sort of person i could be the best of friends with, but *poof*. i don't know when you are going to learn that not everyone is out to get you. i know you've been crapped on by friends and lovers in the past, but i'm not them!! i guess the whole point of this is that i'm hoping you are well, happy, and still being badass.

here's to hopin,
manda


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear life, 

I know we don't get along well all the time. We have different agendas for me. 

You want me to struggle sometimes, to just miss the golden ring, to hope over and over without much payoff, to be predictably let down for expecting only the littlest of happinesses. I get it. You're a drill sergeant. 

I want to have fun, spend time with those important to me, move about the world freely by car or plane without worry of money or reliability, to have those important to me be able to get to me when we plan it, etc. 

I'm hoping we reach compromises that will enable me to get a bit more of what I want from this little life. So, get with the program and cut me some slack - please?

Thanks,
Me

_____________________________

Dear Boyfriend, 

I know it's not your fault you're not coming to see me and I know you're disappointed like me, however..... I am going to have to eat your cake.

Love,
Fat Girlfriend


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Dr Jennings,

Today I took my 20th Century Theology exam. Your questions were good ones, ones that caused me to think about connections I've never made before. I trust you'll find clarity of thought and accuracy in my answers. I wrote you plenty.

On the practical side, please just frickin' pass me on this exam. I know at this stage it's about pleasing your doctoral committee. Be pleased. OK? I'm not trying to be a rock star, the next St. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, or Cathrine Keller. I'm just trying to be a good dad, a good partner....and follow the call I've been given the best I can.

Don't "gimme" the grade I want, but, instead find my work agreeable - even exemplory of the quality work your looking for.

I'll wait to hear back from you.

Matt


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jun 15, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Dear Self,
> 
> I need you to buck up, lil soldier. I don't want to see you throwing pity parties, nor do I want to see you not living up to your potential. Remember that if you don't like how something in your life is going, _you can change it._ You daily wake up believing you can change the big picture, why not apply that hope to your daily life and try to create a little personal revolution, eh?
> 
> ...



Written like a true Marxist....or self-help Saul Alinsky personal organizer guru.

What ever it is, you win. K?

Matt


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Boyfriend, 

I love you. I love you for the person you are. I love you for the good that I see in you every day. I love you even for your faults and not in spite of them. Even though you make me so angry sometimes that I could spit, I know that there is no one on this earth that I would rather have pissing me off than you. I love you for the person that you allow me to be when I'm with you and for the person that you encourage me to become. 

I love how you are spoiled and expect to live a certain lifestyle, expensive suites and all that, and even though a suite is nice I hope that you know I'd live in a cardboard box if I knew I'd be living with you. I love that you're a bit old fashioned and that you make it ok for me to be a bit old fashioned too, but you know when to back off when I start spouting off about double standards between men and women. I love that you are strong and protective and that I know if I needed to I could fall apart and you'd be there to pick me back up and set me on my feet. I want you to know that you too, can do that with me. You can allow yourself to be vulnerable with me, I won't tell and I wont think you less of a man for it. 

Its been 5 years and I'm looking forward to at least the next 50!

Just sayin' 

-Me


----------



## Michelle (Jun 15, 2007)

Dear Ankle:

I'm really, really, really pissed off at you for taking a break.

Love,

ms


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 16, 2007)

bigplaidpants said:


> Written like a true Marxist....or self-help Saul Alinsky personal organizer guru.
> 
> What ever it is, you win. K?
> 
> Matt



Dear Matt,

Ha! I love it. I'm not trying to ride the party line here or be self castigating. I swear!

And I'm not a marxist! :shocked: 

Tiffany
P.S. Ya know, I've never read Alinsky. Everyone thinks I have/should/will. Keep holdin' out just cause.


----------



## Chimpi (Jun 16, 2007)

Dear Brother,

I miss you. We haven't been close in a very long time, at least not playfully close. I don't think we have ever been emotionally close, as brothers should be. I want that, I do. But, I don't know what to do, or what to say, or how to act. It's strange. And it drives me nuts. I want you to know everything, but you're always so busy, especially with your wife. I can't blame you for that, at all, but I wish you would know how I feel about the matter. I have no idea what to say around you!

Sincerely,
Your Younger Half


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 16, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> P.S. Ya know, I've never read Alinsky. Everyone thinks I have/should/will. Keep holdin' out just cause.



Hee! That's how I feel about Harry Potter . At first I legitimately didn't have time, now there's a strong element of willful curmudgeonliness involved.


----------



## elle camino (Jun 16, 2007)

dear gorgeous female friends ~

as much as i really do love you guys, i have to take a fucking break. i can't hang out and listen to you guys complain about your boyfriends, bitch about how the dude at the video store or the coffee shop or the bar keeps asking for your number, any of this shit. i don't know why you conveniently forget that you've known me my WHOLE LIFE, and if anyone should remember that they're talking to a girl who's never once been told she was beautiful by a man, never been asked on a fucking date even - it's you. yet you don't. and you keep fucking talking like youre going to get ANY sympathy from my ass. 
well you're not.
so.



hmph. 

-Abby.


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jun 16, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Dear Matt,
> 
> Ha! I love it. I'm not trying to ride the party line here or be self castigating. I swear!
> 
> ...



LOL....You HAVE to be some kind of Marxist just by default....unless you are organizing folk to go shopping!  

I've only read Alinsky's "Rules for Radicals." I don't know what you do on a day-by-day, but I think you'd find it funny/enlightening. My favorite spot in the whole book is when Alinsky organizes a "shit-in." ..... I won't say more, but at least this passage is worth the book. 

Your on-line athletic-supporter.


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 16, 2007)

Dear House

I love living in you and I think you're beautiful. I love the fact that you are very, very old and I love thinking about all the people who lived here before me. I know I've only been here a short time but you make me very happy and I promise I'll look after you.

It's just that, ok, sometimes I hear that noise when I'm here by myself - the one that sounds like two little childen are running from one end of the house to the other upstairs... 

And I dont mind, and it doesn't scare me - but do you think you could do it just once when someone else is here to hear it? Because my friends are all starting to look at me funny when I mention it.

Thanks!
Tracey xx


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 16, 2007)

Dear Sinuses,

Please, stop draining!!!! Revisiting the contents of my stomach twice is not my idea of a fun day. STOP IT! 

Tummy troubled,
Misty


________________________________________________________________

Dear Mucinex,


WORK DAMN YOU! You worked the last time and I felt better instantly and this time I keep having to throw up and that is NOT FUN! PLEASE make it stop..pretty please.

Hacked off,
Misty


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 16, 2007)

Dear 1995 Toyota 4-Runner:

Thank you for turning my trunk into a crumple zone. I was having a perfectly lovely day until you, inattentive bitch in an SUV, decided to get all up in my trunk. Your insurance company better take care of me, or I'm going to develop some "back pain" here very quickly and then we'll see what happens. And good going, lady, with the first words out of your mouth being "Why did you stop?" Well, because I didn't want to hit the moron from NY in front of me who had no idea where the fuck he/she was going. And then when you admitted you were distracted by the stalled car on the left and the fact that you were tired from work and on the way to pick up your kid? Why, oh why, did I not have a tape recorder for that? Dammit, if only I had hit "record" on the cell phone.....

Signed, 2004 Hyndai Elantra


----------



## SoVerySoft (Jun 16, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Sinuses,
> 
> Please, stop draining!!!! Revisiting the contents of my stomach twice is not my idea of a fun day. STOP IT!
> 
> ...





Dear Misty,

Ewwwwwww!


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 16, 2007)

SoVerySoft said:


> Dear Misty,
> 
> Ewwwwwww!



I know right..lol


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jun 17, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear 1995 Toyota 4-Runner:
> 
> Thank you for turning my trunk into a crumple zone. I was having a perfectly lovely day until you, inattentive bitch in an SUV, decided to get all up in my trunk. Your insurance company better take care of me, or I'm going to develop some "back pain" here very quickly and then we'll see what happens. And good going, lady, with the first words out of your mouth being "Why did you stop?" Well, because I didn't want to hit the moron from NY in front of me who had no idea where the fuck he/she was going. And then when you admitted you were distracted by the stalled car on the left and the fact that you were tired from work and on the way to pick up your kid? Why, oh why, did I not have a tape recorder for that? Dammit, if only I had hit "record" on the cell phone.....
> 
> Signed, 2004 Hyndai Elantra



Bob....So sorry you had wreck.

2004 Elantra....so sorry you gotta owwie.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 17, 2007)

Thanks, man.....I blame Red 4-door Asian sedan from New York for this accident, though. Tourons shouldn't attempt to drive in our nation's capitol. And they certainly shouldn't try to negotiate the Lincoln Memorial/Arlington Memorial Bridge/Arlington National Cemetary area. Note to tourons: It's f'ed up. Take the blue/orange Metro or the Tourmobile. And whatever you do, do NOT come to a complete stop in an active traffic lane. That's just bad mojo.

And 2004 Hyundai Elantra says, and I quote, "I'm down with BPP."

Put it this way. I knew that taking it in the ass would not be pleasant. I just didn't have any idea HOW unpleasant it would be.


----------



## Carrie (Jun 17, 2007)

Poor Bob (and car)! 

My ex, with whom I work, hates this time of year. He takes the metro to and from our office near D.C., and he says the tourists will go up or down the escalators at the metro stations and then just stop at the top or bottom and figure out where they need to go next, causing big pedestrian traffic jams, especially during rush hours. Get out of the fricking way! Some people just seem to lose all common sense when traveling.


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 17, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Some people just seem to lose all common sense when traveling.



It seems as though most people don't have much common sense to begin with.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 17, 2007)

This is a HUGE pet peeve of DC area peeps vs. tourons. They ALL seem to think that the very top or very bottom of the escalator RIGHT AFTER they get off is an appropriate place to stop, organize their group, and have long conversations. Seriously. Move 10 feet ahead and to the left or right, people. Because it's like walking into a grocery store and stopping right inside the door with a cart. NO ONE ELSE CAN GET IN, YOU FUCKING MORONS. IT IS NOT A HARD CONCEPT!!!!! THIS IS NOT BRAIN SURGERY OR ROCKET SCIENCE!!!!

We tend to have a little bit of pent-up frustration on the subject... 



Carrie said:


> Poor Bob (and car)!
> 
> My ex, with whom I work, hates this time of year. He takes the metro to and from our office near D.C., and he says the tourists will go up or down the escalators at the metro stations and then just stop at the top or bottom and figure out where they need to go next, causing big pedestrian traffic jams, especially during rush hours. Get out of the fricking way! Some people just seem to lose all common sense when traveling.


----------



## Jane (Jun 17, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> This is a HUGE pet peeve of DC area peeps vs. tourons. They ALL seem to think that the very top or very bottom of the escalator RIGHT AFTER they get off is an appropriate place to stop, organize their group, and have long conversations. Seriously. Move 10 feet ahead and to the left or right, people. Because it's like walking into a grocery store and stopping right inside the door with a cart. NO ONE ELSE CAN GET IN, YOU FUCKING MORONS. IT IS NOT A HARD CONCEPT!!!!! THIS IS NOT BRAIN SURGERY OR ROCKET SCIENCE!!!!
> 
> We tend to have a little bit of pent-up frustration on the subject...



It's everywhere. We had a State Convention for Young Democrats yesterday. I was a designated SAO, though I like to refer to it as "bouncer." Quite a few elected officials showed up, and decided to hold their caucus in the doorway.

Twice I was coming back into the room, and had to tell them, "Princesses, this is not the receiving line."

Not to mention they couldn't shut their pie-holes long enough for the speakers to talk without talking OVER them.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 17, 2007)

I'm pretty sure I would have paid money to see that.



Jane said:


> It's everywhere. We had a State Convention for Young Democrats yesterday. I was a designated SAO, though I like to refer to it as "bouncer." Quite a few elected officials showed up, and decided to hold their caucus in the doorway.
> 
> Twice I was coming back into the room, and had to tell them, "Princesses, this is not the receiving line."
> 
> Not to mention they couldn't shut their pie-holes long enough for the speakers to talk without talking OVER them.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear Greg,

I don't know what happened. I don't understand. Please talk to me. Please come back. Please don't give up yet. We can work things out. LDR could work. What changed? 

C


----------



## Jane (Jun 17, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I'm pretty sure I would have paid money to see that.



My co-bouncer enjoyed it.

She finally had to go stand in the middle of them, glaring, in order for the elections to be conducted. She told one group to take it into the hall. God, it's so nice to have a friend who is as pushy as I am, when need be.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 17, 2007)

Vi? Am I getting this right? Are you ok?



Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear Greg,
> 
> I don't know what happened. I don't understand. Please talk to me. Please come back. Please don't give up yet. We can work things out. LDR could work. What changed?
> 
> C


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 17, 2007)

No, I'm not. 

It's in my blog.




TCUBOB said:


> Vi? Am I getting this right? Are you ok?


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jun 17, 2007)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> No, I'm not.
> 
> It's in my blog.



((((((((((Vi))))))))))

<note: have guests today, but will try to get to blog>


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 17, 2007)

Thanks for the hugs. I need them. This really hurts.


----------



## Carrie (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear JELLO-O,

Y'know how when you haven't eaten something in like 20 years, a food from your childhood, perhaps, and you remember it being the most delicious thing in the universe? Then you happen upon a chance to eat it again one day, and you're sorely disappointed, and realize that perhaps your palate has matured some in the past 20 years? Thank you for not letting that happen with JELL-O pudding pops. I just had my first in twenty years, and it was a near religious experience; the thing was fifty times better than my very fond memories of them. 

Yum. :smitten: :wubu: :blush: :smitten: :wubu: 

Sincerely,
~Me.


----------



## Michelle (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear Cast:

I hate you.

Love,
ms


----------



## mossystate (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear John,

I know our mom is dead, but you promised to keep her lawn and landscaping looking nice, until we sell her house. You live 20 minutes from her and your girlfriend, who claimed to have loved mom so much and whose house you are at allll the time, lives 4 minutes from mom's place, so I know you are in the area, a lot.

I live about 85 minutes away, as does our sister Renee, and we were down there, once again, a few days ago to try and help the now brown lawn and dying plantings, and Renee got up on a ladder to use her small shears to trim the long row of very high bushes, even though you own a LANDSCAPING business and have all the professional tools. I had to hold the ladder and my 14 month nephew had to sit in his playpen, crying..nice, John, nice. Mom's yard was her pride and joy. The nice neighbor lady who watched out for mom, in case mom fell and was too proud and stubborn to call out for help, mentioned "your mom would have hated seeing her yard look like this"..she is right. 

You had no problem getting in my face when mom was dying.."I will NOT call before I come over to visit". You did not care that I was not able to properly care for her when you and another of my brothers who, before the diagnosis, rarely came over to mom's, decided you had the 'right' to come in and disturb our routine, any time you wanted. Because of this, there were times mom wanted something to eat, but said no to food when you came in the door. You yelled at me( as did the other brother in question ) the day mom died, telling me I had no right to call Hospice to get them involved with setting rules in terms of how many visitors and length of visits. What you wanted was more important than mom's comfort. Only the two of you, out of 10 kids, really had any issues with it.

Funny how some of the pieces of your puzzle made more sense , when after mom died, I learned you had asked her for $10,000 right before she was diagnosed. I sometimes helped mom balance her checkbook and also saw a check written to you for $3500 ( that you claimed was a 'gift' ) and $500..and $200..etc..etc. Mom like helping her kids, but you took advantage. Gee, no wonder you were coming out to her house more and more the last year or so of her life. Not saying you did not love her, but how DARE you work her like that. Yes, you said you were going to pay back the $10,000, but didn't you think the rest of us would know about the money? Our oldest brother was the one to cut that big check for you.

Having problems with your business, I understand. The thing that is disgusting is that you went on trips with this gf you have now, and the one before. This is where my empathy evaporates. You knew mom would pretty much give the shirt off her back for her kids..you counted on that. I heard all about how, the day of her biopsy, she is in the hospital bed, saying "oh, John, don't let me forget to give you that money". Heard you became a bit flustered, as our oldest sister was in the room at the time.

Did you not KNOW our mom..at all?? You HAVE to know that her place looking the way it did/does would break her heart. Renee has said she will go down, 14 month in tow, once a week to maintain mom's place until it sells. She would drive 85 minutes, after 9AM, have to be back up north by 3:30 to meet our niece when she gets home from school, and do all of this for free...no charging mom's estate...like...YOU are doing, for accomplishing next to nothing!!

You have no shame. You used to be such a sensitive person, but this has disgusted me, and I hope you are thinking about this...every day.

When I send an actual, short email to you about the yard, have the fucking decency to not make it about me and know it is about MOM!!

M


----------



## mossystate (Jun 17, 2007)

missaf said:


> Dear Mossy,
> 
> It may not be anything personal, just male. My foster dad is a landscaper, and until Foster Mom rides his ass and kicks him to the couch, he has the worst lawn in town. A plumber always has the worst plumbing at home, too.
> 
> ...




Oh, he was real attentive when she was alive, had to get the moolah..but..all I could visualize was your foster dad as a riding lawnmower.. 

thanks..*S*


----------



## Tina (Jun 17, 2007)

Wow, Monique. Just wow. When clarity comes to him, if it does, it's going to be a bitch.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear heart,

Hang in there... you really will be OK. I know it doesn't make any sense now, but you get thru it.

Love,

your brain

_____________________________________


Dear brain,

I hope to hell you're right, cause right now I'm in crappy shape and want to curl up and die. 

It hurts so much I can barely stand it. 

Love,

your heart


----------



## Tina (Jun 17, 2007)

(((((Vi))))) I think one of the most difficult things about situations like this is that so often we question ourselves, and when there are no clear answers or some kind of resolution, it is even worse. Sorry you're hurting so badly, dear.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 17, 2007)

Thanks Tina. I know I'll probably never understand or get the answers. It just hurts right now. 




Tina said:


> (((((Vi))))) I think one of the most difficult things about situations like this is that so often we question ourselves, and when there are no clear answers or some kind of resolution, it is even worse. Sorry you're hurting so badly, dear.


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 17, 2007)

Dad, 

Thanks so much for bringing us down to Yonkers today. I hope you enjoyed seeing your family; I know I did, as did your wife and my sister. I know the drive was kinda tough on your neck, but I'm pretty sure it was worth it.

-Kev


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear Dimensions - 

You don't seem like you're a happy website today. 

Need a cookie?


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 17, 2007)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear heart,
> 
> Hang in there... you really will be OK. I know it doesn't make any sense now, but you get thru it.
> 
> ...



(((((((((Vi)))))))))

I'm no good at listening to my brain when it says the same thing... but both my brain and my heart are rooting for you right now .


----------



## Chimpi (Jun 17, 2007)

Dear _anyone who is willing to have input on the matter_,

When is it that you learn what you want out of life? What does it take to surpass the "potential" of the mental, emotional, physical, and social habitats of your being? How do you support yourself enough to get a move on _it_, when "it" involves pain, suffering, humiliation, and depression, all without much guidance at all? How do you get passed viewing life as "beating you down", and begin to live it fully and with enjoyment? When does the thinking end, and the life begin?

*With much concern*,
Justin


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 17, 2007)

Dammed if I know   




Chimpi said:


> Dear _anyone who is willing to have input on the matter_,
> 
> When is it that you learn what you want out of life? What does it take to surpass the "potential" of the mental, emotional, physical, and social habitats of your being? How do you support yourself enough to get a move on _it_, when "it" involves pain, suffering, humiliation, and depression, all without much guidance at all? How do you get passed viewing life as "beating you down", and begin to live it fully and with enjoyment? When does the thinking end, and the life begin?
> 
> ...


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 18, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> Dear _anyone who is willing to have input on the matter_,
> 
> When is it that you learn what you want out of life? What does it take to surpass the "potential" of the mental, emotional, physical, and social habitats of your being? How do you support yourself enough to get a move on _it_, when "it" involves pain, suffering, humiliation, and depression, all without much guidance at all? How do you get passed viewing life as "beating you down", and begin to live it fully and with enjoyment? When does the thinking end, and the life begin?
> 
> ...




Dear Justin,
I'm 50 and I'm STILL trying to answer that question! It does help to have an understanding significant other and perhaps a mentor. I'll also share that my faith has helped me a lot over the years. 

Hugs,
Ella


----------



## Carrie (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Self, 

Stop watching "Alien vs. Predator" and go to sleep, for the love of pete. It's a terrible movie, not worth staying up for. And, truth be told, you've seen it before, which pretty much makes you a big dumb dork for watching it again. 

Sincerely,
Me.

P.S. Reread Chimpi's post tomorrow when you're not as tired and see if you can't maybe conjure up an intelligent response. Chimpi's good people.


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 18, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Dear Self,
> 
> Stop watching "Alien vs. Predator" and go to sleep, for the love of pete. It's a terrible movie, not worth staying up for. And, truth be told, you've seen it before, which pretty much makes you a big dumb dork for watching it again.
> 
> ...



Dear Carrie,

It's a terrible movie, yeah, and you're a dork for seeing it more than once...

But I'm a bigger dork. I own it and watch it from time to time. Why? Because as bad as it is, it's fun. Like MST3K movies, in a way.

Maybe it's not worth staying up for... but don't dis yourself for doing so. Temporary insanity is all it is. 

-Blackjack


----------



## Tina (Jun 18, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> Dear _anyone who is willing to have input on the matter_,
> 
> When is it that you learn what you want out of life? What does it take to surpass the "potential" of the mental, emotional, physical, and social habitats of your being? How do you support yourself enough to get a move on _it_, when "it" involves pain, suffering, humiliation, and depression, all without much guidance at all? How do you get passed viewing life as "beating you down", and begin to live it fully and with enjoyment? When does the thinking end, and the life begin?
> 
> ...


Honey, if you can figure that out, write a book about it and make a mint. Some people have always known what they want to do and which direction they will go in, and they do it; others figure it out later in life, and some never do, because there are so many choices. Life is a process of learning and growing, and hopefully learning from our mistakes. I think that existential angst is a part of everyone's experience at least once in life, and often more.

The thing to always remember, though, is: Life is short. Be kind but suck all the juice out of it that you can. Enjoy. Love. Give thanks.

That's all I've got.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jun 18, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> Dear _anyone who is willing to have input on the matter_,
> When is it that you learn what you want out of life? What does it take to surpass the "potential" of the mental, emotional, physical, and social habitats of your being? How do you support yourself enough to get a move on _it_, when "it" involves pain, suffering, humiliation, and depression, all without much guidance at all? How do you get passed viewing life as "beating you down", and begin to live it fully and with enjoyment? When does the thinking end, and the life begin?
> *With much concern*,
> Justin



1) Oprah's wrong. There are light bulbs in life but they are rarely followed by easy change.

2) I do think it's a balance, life. A balance of: accepting things and barreling ahead; of rejecting things hugely and barreling ahead; of leaping off cliffs and barreling ahead; of sitting quietly and smelling the roses and barreling ahead. 

3) So many other things to say! Life is short, though! Okay, that's the last one!!

hugs.

p.s. If your questions were rhetorical, then put me on ignore! and sorry!  One thing you do know as you get older: the less you know.


----------



## elle camino (Jun 18, 2007)

dear father's day - 
congratulations on still being the most depressing holiday ever.
hate,
-Abby.


----------



## supersoup (Jun 18, 2007)

elle camino said:


> dear father's day -
> congratulations on still being the most depressing holiday ever.
> hate,
> -Abby.



oh, i'm so with you.

let's have cocktails and make some badass cupcakes.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jun 18, 2007)

supersoup said:


> oh, i'm so with you.
> 
> let's have cocktails and make some badass cupcakes.



I'm right there with you two. Sign me up.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 18, 2007)

Today isn't father's day to me...It's SPERM DONOR DAY!

Thank God he had decent sperm and I turned out halfway ok.


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 18, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> When does the thinking end, and the life begin?




Any time you want it to. You just need to say 'Fuck it' and dive right in...

Sorry Justin, I know you're already had many more thoughtful and responsible responses but honestly, sometimes you're just got to be selfish, bit the bullet and get it done. I'm the worlds worst prevaricator so I do understand but have faith - jump and the net will appear!

Love Tracey xx


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 18, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Today isn't father's day to me...It's SPERM DONOR DAY!
> 
> Thank God he had decent sperm and I turned out halfway ok.



Sorry to disagree Misty - but he had great sperm and you are absolutely ALL THE WAY ok! 

Tracey xx


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Carrie:

Don't beat yourself up. I got sucked in as well. It's a pretty fantastically bad movie. I've got to stop on it for at least 10-20 minutes whenever I see that it's on. Especially if it's towards the beginning. Because before people start dying and Aliens and Predators start killing things, it's an even MORE spectacularly bad movie.

Bob



Carrie said:


> Dear Self,
> 
> Stop watching "Alien vs. Predator" and go to sleep, for the love of pete. It's a terrible movie, not worth staying up for. And, truth be told, you've seen it before, which pretty much makes you a big dumb dork for watching it again.
> 
> ...


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Reality,

Why do you have to be so ... real? Can't you give me a break for once?

Realistically,

Me

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Left Bewbie,

I'm sorry you're going to be squished today, but you didn't play nice a few months ago when they squished you, so they're going to have to keep squishing you until you decide to show them you're okay. Please. I don't need this crap on top of everything else. That would really suck. If you behave nice enough, maybe one day I'll make sure you get some cuddles again.

Love,

The unidentical twins' mom


----------



## Tina (Jun 18, 2007)

missaf said:


> Dear Alien vs. Predator Haters,
> 
> It's funny, it's like B-Movie. Laugh, have fun!
> 
> ...



Guilty as charged. I watched it for a while, too, and then switched to Pitch Black on DVD, which is also cheese, but cheese with Vin.


----------



## Carrie (Jun 18, 2007)

Tina said:


> Guilty as charged. I watched it for a while, too, and then switched to Pitch Black on DVD, which is also cheese, but cheese with Vin.



LOVE Pitch Black. Excellent, excellent movie.


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 18, 2007)

Tina said:


> Guilty as charged. I watched it for a while, too, and then switched to Pitch Black on DVD, which is also cheese, but cheese with Vin.



Anything with Vin in it isn't cheese, it's beefcake. And watching it with the volume down is fine, as is sighing loudly when he removes his shirt. All it means is that he is SUCH a fine actor he doesn't need words to get his true value across.

Tracey xx


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Brian- How dare you steal from my dad. Your parents are wealthy. Always given you what you want. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT TO A GOOD MAN? I thought maybe with age you would have matured but no. You still possess the shitty qualities you always have had. 

Dear You- Knock it off. It has nothing to do with you. Leave it alone and mind your own business.

Dear Linds- I know why you said what you said to me yesterday, but it still hurt. You saying you think I lead an unhealthy lifestyle coming from someone who goes on crash diets constantly and who lives off diet coke and cigarettes, is a bit hypocritical. I love you and your my best bud, but lets face it, we both aren't perfect and we both want different things in life. Lets accept that and move on.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jun 18, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Sorry to disagree Misty - but he had great sperm and you are absolutely ALL THE WAY ok!
> 
> Tracey xx



Thanks Tracey


----------



## James (Jun 18, 2007)

It was good to hear what you said today 

I meant the stuff I said. I like you just the way you are


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear ice cream,

You are delicious. I will eat you and enjoy it. :eat1: :eat2: 

-Blackjack


----------



## mossystate (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Plastic Tampon Applicator,


You may have pinched my lady flaps for the last time!!


Not so much love,



Monique


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 18, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Dear Plastic Tampon Applicator,
> 
> 
> You may have pinched my lady flaps for the last time!!
> ...



OWOWOWOWOW.

Ow.


----------



## supersoup (Jun 18, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Dear Plastic Tampon Applicator,
> 
> 
> You may have pinched my lady flaps for the last time!!
> ...



dear monique,

I FUCKING HATE THIS. nearly every time my friend, every time.

yours in owies,
mandasoup


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Monique and Soup,

I want to thank you both. I thought I was the only one who experienced this. I know feel liberated, as do my pinched bits!

Thanks and vagina solidarity,
AFG

PS. OW!


----------



## Friday (Jun 18, 2007)

Dear Plant Manager,

Get a fucking clue. We are a government facility here for the express purpose of serving the public. We can not keep the doors closed and locked during business hours because it's more secure and soothes your obvious paranoid delusions.

That is all.


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 19, 2007)

Dear Mother Nature,
Can we please skip the hot muggy summer and go straight to lovely Autumn! Pretty please :batting: !

Yours truly,

~Ella


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 19, 2007)

I'd like to add my signature on to the tampon letter.

Thanks.

(Oh, if you use the cardboard ones, NOT a problem... it's those damn teeth-like plastic bastards that start munchin' on your stuff - and not in the good way.)


----------



## Tina (Jun 19, 2007)

I gave up plastic a long time ago for just that reason. Cardboard all the way. 


Carrie said:


> LOVE Pitch Black. Excellent, excellent movie.


It's great fun, isn't it? His voice is lovely, too.


BeaBea said:


> Anything with Vin in it isn't cheese, it's beefcake. And watching it with the volume down is fine, as is sighing loudly when he removes his shirt. All it means is that he is SUCH a fine actor he doesn't need words to get his true value across.
> 
> Tracey xx


Heh. Ya got that right.  Funny thing is that I don't really go for ripped guys IRL. I don't dislike them, per se, but it's not at all a deciding factor. He certainly is pretty, though. 


BigCutieSasha said:


> Dear Linds- I know why you said what you said to me yesterday, but it still hurt. You saying you think I lead an unhealthy lifestyle coming from someone who goes on crash diets constantly and who lives off diet coke and cigarettes, is a bit hypocritical. I love you and your my best bud, but lets face it, we both aren't perfect and we both want different things in life. Lets accept that and move on.


Sad, the brainwashing that so many women still suffer from, isn't it? I don't blame you for not wanting to hear it, but I'll bet her internal dialogue is worse than anything you've heard from her lips. Still, enough is enough. Is this something you can actually talk to her about, Sasha?

Dear Canada/US Immigration,

Kiss my ass. At this rate, I may never make it to Montreal.

Signed,
One who has a better understanding now of why people cross borders illegally. :blink:


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Jun 19, 2007)

Sad, the brainwashing that so many women still suffer from, isn't it? I don't blame you for not wanting to hear it, but I'll bet her internal dialogue is worse than anything you've heard from her lips. Still, enough is enough. Is this something you can actually talk to her about, Sasha?

Yeah, shes my best friend and we can talk about anything and everything. It wasn't anything like a fight. It had more to do with my weight gain over the past year. She was concerned. I expressed my concerns when she was in a bad marriage that was so unhealthy, so shes just doing what a friend does. Talk openly about their thoughts. I still love her.


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jun 19, 2007)

Dear Brain, 

And here I thought you were old-fashioned, old skool and un-hip by using cardboard applicators and never even _trying _the plastic ones. 

_whew_. 

thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou*thankyou*. 

Much much love, 

Unpinched Ladyflaps.


----------



## wistful (Jun 19, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Dear Self,
> 
> Stop watching "Alien vs. Predator" and go to sleep, for the love of pete. It's a terrible movie, not worth staying up for. And, truth be told, you've seen it before, which pretty much makes you a big dumb dork for watching it again.
> 
> ...



It really is a terrible movie.An awful movie.That's why I've watched it three times.Huge fan of the Alien series,I've always enjoyed predator..I just can't resist.:blush:


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 19, 2007)

VISA:

Your recent commercials featuring a place that functions like clockwork when people use your credit card are extremely annoying, and are really rather impractical. But that's an issue entirely separate from the particular qualm I have with one of them.

In the one with the nursery place, where everyone's buying up plants and supplies, the song "Brazil" is playing- an instrumental version of it. While it's certainly not a bad song, I'd think that many people who recognize it would know it from the 1985 film of the same name.

It's almost paradoxial, then, how a song famously featured in a film that shows a clockwork society not working at all can also be used by your company in an attempt to show how much like clockwork your card makes things work. Your ads are actually reminiscient of advertisements in the movie of how the malfunctioning dystopia should work, but doesn't.

You may want to change this... it can't be good for business.

-Blackjack


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 19, 2007)

Dear Hershey Company:

I am having a bit of a crisis and your Reese's Peanut Butter cups have been rather helpful in handling said crisis. Would you be so kind as to ship out a caseful to me so that I can make it thru?

Thanks loads, 

Violet


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 19, 2007)

Dear Applebee's:

In the same vein, though not nearly as ironic, I find it mightily annoying that you convinced Rob Base et. al. to sell out their hit "It Takes Two" for your new menu promotion. I fear that from now on, my life will become a parade of Muzaked/cheery-popped songs from my formative years that were hip and cool being bought up by souless corporate hacks to be played into the ground in their latest insipid promotion campaign. 

I call on AFG, FreeThinker, Fatlane and other proto-anarchist supporters to join me in torching Madison Avenue in the vain hopes of preserving what is left of our misspent and apparently for sale restless youth.

From the speadhead of the vanguard of the proletariat, in deep cover within the bowels of "the Man,"

Bob


----------



## Jane (Jun 19, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> VISA:
> 
> Your recent commercials featuring a place that functions like clockwork when people use your credit card are extremely annoying, and are really rather impractical. But that's an issue entirely separate from the particular qualm I have with one of them.
> 
> ...




Dammit, you're not supposed to call their attention what the guy in the music department, the one who had actually seen the film, was trying to say. Sh-h-h-h-h


----------



## Jane (Jun 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear Applebee's:
> 
> In the same vein, though not nearly as ironic, I find it mightily annoying that you convinced Rob Base et. al. to sell out their hit "It Takes Two" for your new menu promotion. I fear that from now on, my life will become a parade of Muzaked/cheery-popped songs from my formative years that were hip and cool being bought up by souless corporate hacks to be played into the ground in their latest insipid promotion campaign.
> 
> ...




Sorry, Bob, we've been going through it for YEARS. Welcome to adulthood when regurgitated pop music laces the air.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 19, 2007)

I knew one of the old farts would know what I was talking about. Great. I guess I just apply for my AARP card and sit around waiting to get screwed on my SS now?



Jane said:


> Sorry, Bob, we've been going through it for YEARS. Welcome to adulthood when regurgitated pop music laces the air.


----------



## Jane (Jun 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I knew one of the old farts would know what I was talking about. Great. I guess I just apply for my AARP card and sit around waiting to get screwed on my SS now?



Yep. But, one can only HOPE to get screwed on SS. That implies it will still exist.


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear Applebee's:
> 
> In the same vein, though not nearly as ironic, I find it mightily annoying that you convinced Rob Base et. al. to sell out their hit "It Takes Two" for your new menu promotion. I fear that from now on, my life will become a parade of Muzaked/cheery-popped songs from my formative years that were hip and cool being bought up by souless corporate hacks to be played into the ground in their latest insipid promotion campaign.
> 
> ...



And while we're on the subject:

Dear Editors of _Golf Punk_ Magazine:

I thought I had finally grown a thick enough skin not to be bothered by the relentless, inevitable commodification of alternative youth culture.

I WAS WRONG.

Your magazine is called _Golf Punk_. Fuck you .

Signed, 

Guy Who Once Naively Thought That Punk Rock Meant Something


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 19, 2007)

Dear asshole who is faking a disease for attention,

I never thought I'd actually get to meet someone with Munchausen's. While I should feel pity for you, it's really just enraging. And I can't even help you because then you'll just exploit that like everything else. You're overwhelming to deal with, morally offensive, and just a hateful, dislikable person once people get a glimpse of the real you. 

So, if you want any of my time or value me as a friend, I suggest you get smoking on that apology letter, and it better be damn free of excusing yourself because of another mystery illness or psychological problem, because God so help me I will out you on your bullshit and lies just so I don't have to hear any more whiny bullshit that has no basis in reality.

Sincerely (very sincerely),

Casey


----------



## ripley (Jun 20, 2007)

Dear Haters,

I own all the Alien movies including AVP, have watched them all several times, and I'd like to invite you all to kiss my butt.

I hope you all pinch your bits with a tampon,

ripley (that's right, RIPLEY)


----------



## supersoup (Jun 20, 2007)

dearest riparoo,

don't wish the tampon pinch on anyone!! that is pure evil!!

 
soup


----------



## mossystate (Jun 20, 2007)

supersoup said:


> dearest riparoo,
> 
> don't wish the tampon pinch on anyone!! that is pure evil!!
> 
> ...



Especially since some of us..ok ...ME...still...feels it...





*i did it to myself again..today..i forgot to pick up different plugs...maybe i secretly like the pinch...pinch an inch...who am i kidding...it's more than an inch....that's right..i am a real woman...*swagger*..*


----------



## supersoup (Jun 20, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Especially since some of us..ok ...ME...still...feels it...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i do it all the time...i hate cardboard applicators.  tis the price i pay for my devotion to friggin kotex...


----------



## Chimpi (Jun 20, 2007)

Dear person,

Sometimes I can't find it in me to forgive all that I should, but some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, at times, the one that should, grudgingly, not say something is myself. It's almost impossible to deal with agony when it comes to something that means this much to me, and you certainly have yet to help out with the situation. But, both of us are still the same people, and I hope that one day this situation will continue as I intended, all though, I am starting to feel that that reality will never exist. On a side note, I over analyze quite often...

Thanks for reading,
The confusing one

-----------------------------------------

Dear 1989 Pontiac 6000LE,

Please be okay. Please? I need you.

Love,
Your admirer... the one who FEEDS you [*cough*fuel*cough*], damnit!


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 20, 2007)

Chimpi said:


> -----------------------------------------
> 
> Dear 1989 Pontiac 6000LE,
> 
> ...



I had that car!!!  Mine was white with blue interior.


----------



## Chimpi (Jun 20, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I had that car!!!  Mine was white with blue interior.



Dear Anne Mary,

Maybe I have yours, then? Because mine is white with blue interior.
I'm sure yours was probably much more well taken care of than mine is, but hey... you never know... 

Sincerely,
The guy that knows how you spell your name


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 20, 2007)

Dear Broadband Supplier 

Thank you very much for running my 8Mbps connection at such a delightfully slow speed. Last night you were zipping along at about the same rate that I first achieved when I installed my 56k modem back in the 90's. Nostalgia notwithstanding, please remember that the Internet is not like a sightseeing trip - I do not get to see more the slower you go. 

When I called you to discuss this you first read me a pre-recorded announcement suggesting I might like to use your 'Online' help system. A wonderful idea which I might have been tempted with if only I could have persuaded the page to load in under ten minutes. Regretfully I was compelled to remain on the phone where I confess I was starting to have doubts about your commitment to Customer Care. I was hugely reassured by your assertion that my call was important to you however, and repeating it every 10 seconds for the 17 minutes I was on hold was a thoughtful touch. Yes, I was the customer screaming 'well pay someone to answer the f***ing phone then' into the receiver but be fair, I didn't start that until a good 12 minutes into the call and stopped as soon as someone human came on the line. 

I'll skip over the ironies of your calling this team the 'Technical Help Desk' There are just too many easy targets for my sarcasm in those words but I'm trying to be fair so I'll give you 'Desk'. No arguing from me on that score. 

Having explained the problem in detail his telling me that I should reboot wasn't exactly the opening gambit I was hoping for. I was explaining the situation again to the nice gentleman when he put me on hold. Further indoctrination was then received that my call was important to you. Am I being oversensitive or did I detect the merest hint of a chuckle in that voice? When he came back on the line we discussed his suggestion, again at length, and I confess I caved. From saying 'I dont need to reboot' to saying 'Okthenrebootingdoneitnotworked' might have alerted someone worthy of the title of 'Technical' that I possibly hadn't actually performed the task - but he didn't seem fazed and moved confidently on to page 2 of his script to ask if my PC had power... That funny sound in the background was me biting the bookcase beside my desk. Sorry about that! 

We then progressed, page by painful page, through the rest of his script. Can I mention at this point how much I enjoyed participating in your training programme? I'll be popping an invoice into the post for the time I took to explain the difference between wireless and ethernet but I'm puzzled how someone could profess to be 'Technical' and not know that. Ooops, there I go again with my silly semantics. 

Eventually both I and your fine employee reached the end of the script and emerged, he wide eyed and wet-trousered with fright, me grimly determined, into the sunshine of his logging a fault report for me. It was no doubt only my fevered imagination that made me think I could hear his little pencil scratching the words 'it's broke' onto the paper aeroplane and launching it out of the window to be blown on the winds of chance. I have no doubt at all though that this problem is, even now, on the desk of some Nobel prize winning genius who is scratching his head and knuckling down to resolving the problem of why my Broadband runs so slowly. 

Yes, I expect it will just go away by itself... 

Tracey


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 21, 2007)

Dear D___,

Please, come out of the closet already. I'm serious. None of us will make fun of you or think less of you for being openly gay. Nobody is going to make you start lisping and singing show tunes if you don't want to -- you can still be the exact same wisecracking, beer-swigging, fantasy-baseball-obsessed regular guy we've known and loved since high school, if that's who you want to be. And maybe you'll finally be able to have the romantic life whose absence you're always bemoaning. 

I can't be the only person in our group of friends who gets sad and depressed when I watch you laughing nervously at your own constant stream of defensively homophobic "jokes" and innuendos. And you won't be the first or the last gay guy to mistakenly hit on me, so I really wish I could tell you straightforwardly that I'm flattered but not interested when you get drunk and try to flirt with me. (You're not fooling anyone. I can tell that that's what you're doing.)

I don't know you well enough to have this conversation with you in real life, but I hope that one of our other friends eventually will. Learning to be honest and accepting of my own sexuality has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself; I hope that some day you'll be able to say the same thing.

Your friend,

Nick


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 24, 2007)

Dad,

Jesus Christ. As much as I truly enjoy being right, does it bother you that you only were phoned by 1 out of 3 children on Father's Day? I sent you a card and your response was to tell Mom to tell me not to send anything. Wow, how incredibly brave of you. 

Maybe I was a difficult kid, and maybe you're unhappy with my lifestyle choices, which oddly enough aren't much different than yours. However, you're going to die a lonely old man. That concerns me, to a point. You've isolated yourself and you've lost two children. Anyone who is told about you has a broken heart for you because they can't imagine going through so much pain and loss, and to keep choosing that.

I want to help you, but you're damaged goods. I want to help you, but you're like a dog that will randomly turn on its handler. I'll keep being kind to you because I want to show you not everyone is like you. You can be truly awful and not fear being stoned. You just lost the opportunity to be close, and that's okay, because I lost it, too. 

There are a lot of thing I'm not being told. I've forgiven not knowing the obvious and pretending everything is okay. I think you dealt with things as best you could, a tired cliche, but true in this case.

Now for the less melancholy part: Quit fucking up the few relationships you have left. You are not getting any younger, you old ass. Go enjoy a few friendships and maybe have a beer with them before you die. You may see if you try to connect, you are not nearly as unlovable as you always pegged yourself.

Regards,

Casey


----------



## supersoup (Jun 24, 2007)

dear internets and peoples that use them,

i hate clip art and those damn glitter graphics. HATE. with the brightly burning fire of seven bajillionty suns. despiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise. so, in closing, please quit letting people make new ones, and make the ones that exist *poof*. 


yours in hatred, 
amanda c.


----------



## Carrie (Jun 24, 2007)

Dear Manda, 








Sincerely,
Your big sis in smart-assery.


----------



## supersoup (Jun 24, 2007)

ha, that soooo took longer than i expected it to!

 <3


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jun 24, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Dear Manda,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Do these things remind anyone else of those glitter t-shirt iron-ons we wore to roller skating in the 70s? Those and the "Keep On Truckin'" ones?

[My favorite t-shirt was one that had a big glittery star that said "gymnastics" because, well, I was obsessed.]

[[And, yes, I had to have the picture up again, just to torture Soup.]]


----------



## Carrie (Jun 24, 2007)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Do these things remind anyone else of those glitter t-shirt iron-ons we wore to roller skating in the 70s? Those and the "Keep On Truckin'" ones?



TOTALLY. I actually had a "Welcome Back, Kotter" iron-on t-shirt with some glitter on it. I loved it beyond description.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jun 24, 2007)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Do these things remind anyone else of those glitter t-shirt iron-ons we wore to roller skating in the 70s? Those and the "Keep On Truckin'" ones?
> [My favorite t-shirt was one that had a big glittery star that said "gymnastics" because, well, I was obsessed.]





Carrie said:


> TOTALLY. I actually had a "Welcome Back, Kotter" iron-on t-shirt with some glitter on it. I loved it beyond description.



Mine had SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER emblazoned on it . In glittery rubbery iron-on. Like I was even alowed to see that naughty R-rated film anyhow!! But oh I loved that brown-grey poly-blend shirt. Felt very chic in it.


----------



## Carrie (Jun 24, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Mine had SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER emblazoned on it . In glittery rubbery iron-on. Like I was even alowed to see that naughty R-rated film anyhow!! But oh I loved that brown-grey poly-blend shirt. Felt very chic in it.



Oh, you lucky little minx!!!


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jun 24, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Oh, you lucky little minx!!!



oh but welcomebackKOTTTTTTTTaHHHR....equally sweet


----------



## Tina (Jun 24, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Now for the less melancholy part: Quit fucking up the few relationships you have left. You are not getting any younger, you old ass. Go enjoy a few friendships and maybe have a beer with them before you die. You may see if you try to connect, you are not nearly as unlovable as you always pegged yourself.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Casey



Casey, would you ever send something like this to your father? Seems like maybe he needs to hear it. But then again, what do I know?


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 24, 2007)

Dear people with knotted panties,

Sorry- was my bad. I guess I _was _mistaken about that being in the rules.

And I apologize for not apologizing sooner, but I was out having a life- one that's actually much like what some of you say I don't have.

Untwist yer britches, please.

-Blackjackass


----------



## rainyday (Jun 24, 2007)

Sweet Tooth said:


> Do these things remind anyone else of those glitter t-shirt iron-ons we wore to roller skating in the 70s? Those and the "Keep On Truckin'" ones?



Didn't have one of those, but I did have a lemon yellow (hideous color on me) cap-sleeve t-shirt that said "OUI." I'm still not quite sure what I was saying yes to though. Mostly when I wore it I was too focused on my fat arms showing in the cap sleeves that I had no time to say yes to anything.


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 24, 2007)

rainyday said:


> Didn't have one of those, but I did have a lemon yellow (hideous color on me) cap-sleeve t-shirt that said "OUI." I'm still not quite sure what I was saying yes to though. Mostly when I wore it I was too focused on my fat arms showing in the cap sleeves that I had no time to say yes to anything.



I didn't have a glitzy t-shirt, but one of my favorites was berry colored and had an art nouveau drawing of a woman in profile holding a cigarette. The name on the shirt was "Jobe" and little did I know that the drawing was a copy of an old cigarette brand advertisement! Oh the ignorant bliss of youth!

~Ella


----------



## Donna (Jun 24, 2007)

Dear Chuck;

I hope you have a safe and productive business trip. Tis a million and one years until Thursday night when I pick you up at the airport.

Love, Me

p.s. Bring me something shiney, please.  

******************************************

Dear Person Whom I Work With;

Yes, you should be intimidated by me. Yes, I am a threat to your job. Yes, your other buddies have been talking. And no, I don't scare very easily. I also don't play the office politics game very well, either. 

With Purpose, 
Your NEW Competition


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 24, 2007)

Preferably hot jewelry.

Also bring stuff for fur babies.

I am just here to help, Chuck. Great lingere is also good.



Donnaalicious said:


> Dear Chuck;
> 
> I hope you have a safe and productive business trip. Tis a million and one years until Thursday night when I pick you up at the airport.
> 
> ...


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jun 25, 2007)

TSL - you mean hot as in "stylish," right? I don't think Donnaa wants the police knocking on her door looking for another type of "hot" jewelry.


----------



## Tad (Jun 25, 2007)

Dear Espresso Machine at work;

We know you work very hard, and everyone needs a vacation, but your actions today have been cruel. To go on strike on a Monday morning, with no warning? This will not garner sympathy for your cause. 

I know, I know, you say that you have a jammed grinder. But we've done all that we can to clear your grinders, yet we do not feel that you have tried too hard to actually crunch through the blockage. You have those big strong metal grinders, and all that is in there are a few fragile coffee beans. We think that you could do it if you wanted to. So this indeed seems arbitrary and capricious, an act of rebellion to garner attention. But do you really want this sort of bad attention? Every day we already appreciate you, and I know that I've sung your praises to many people.

Regards;

- One of your devoted worshippers


----------



## EvilPrincess (Jun 25, 2007)

Dear Suitcase,

Please pack yourself, I am just not in the mood. I don't care what you take with you, just make sure you remember the important things like bras and stuff, oh and my toothbrush.


Thanks, 

me


----------



## SoVerySoft (Jun 25, 2007)

EvilPrincess said:


> Dear Suitcase,
> 
> Please pack yourself, I am just not in the mood. I don't care what you take with you, just make sure you remember the important things like bras and stuff, oh and my toothbrush.
> 
> ...



Oh I dunno. I could always buy a toothbrush anywhere. But my bras? yikes. I'd be good and stuck.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 25, 2007)

Dear Self,

Knock this shit off..... get over yourself and live your f**king life already! You can't control every God damned thing, whether you like it or not!! 
Shit happens. Quit putting up the brick wall and open the hell up. Life is gonna hurt sometimes... deal with it and move on. If it's meant to be with this guy, he'll be back. If not, some one else will come knocking. Trust me. 

Oh, and while I'm at it, lighten up and share the load for Christ's sake. You don't have to be the Plymouth Rock for everyone. We all know that "responsible" is your middle name. Sometimes you've got to let someone else be the leader. Stop obsessing about everything being perfect. It'll be OK. It'll all work out. 

Let yourself just.... be.

Love,

Your heart


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 26, 2007)

Dear people in search of a deeper meaning to life,

I might be wrong but I'm not sure pop music is where you want to start looking.

Also, rubbishing a disposable, vaguely fat positive song on the ground that the singer doesn't have what you deem to be certified FA credentials is not going to further the cause. 

If you're waiting for an incredible and meaningful song, from a major artist, on a major label and refuse to listen to anything else at all in the meantime then you need to either saw your own ears off or get busy writing. Either suits me.

love Tracey xx


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 26, 2007)

Wait....are you trying to tell me that I'm not going to find the meaning of life on a Spice Girls reunion album? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I've waited TOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Must.....have.......
Spice.....in......life.......



BeaBea said:


> Dear people in search of a deeper meaning to life,
> 
> I might be wrong but I'm not sure pop music is where you want to start looking.
> 
> ...


----------



## Jane (Jun 26, 2007)

I still live by "Heard it in a love song, Cain't be wrong."


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 26, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Wait....are you trying to tell me that I'm not going to find the meaning of life on a Spice Girls reunion album?



Oh, well the Spice Girls obviously! I understand the Dalai Lama states they have been a huge influence with regards to his spiritual development. And for dance moves. 

Tracey xx


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 26, 2007)

Dear Credit Collections Person,
Our phone message says this phone is used for screening calls. Please take the hint and don't call back. We're trying to get things squared away, but it will be a long drawn out process. I know you're only doing your job, but morning calls have just gotta stop! 

Sincerely,
Wife who works late and has the misfortune of being married to a credit cardaholic!


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 26, 2007)

I prefer to live by the David Allen Coe versions of two classics from Johnny Paycheck and Steve Goodman, respectively:

"Take This Job and Shove It"

"You Never Even Call Me By My Name"



Jane said:


> I still live by "Heard it in a love song, Cain't be wrong."


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 26, 2007)

I hear His Holiness (his chums call him Benny) swears by them as well. As well as the (at least until the Communion kicks us out) spiritual leader of my church, his Archness down Canterbury way.



BeaBea said:


> Oh, well the Spice Girls obviously! I understand the Dalai Lama states they have been a huge influence with regards to his spiritual development. And for dance moves.
> 
> Tracey xx


----------



## Mini (Jun 26, 2007)

Dear friends,

I know you find it amusing to freak me out with ambiguous advice, but sometimes you've gotta remember that it was a sincere request and it's a dick move to throw me to the wolves.

I'll get over it, but you're not my favorite people right now.

- Michael


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 26, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I prefer to live by the David Allen Coe versions of two classics from Johnny Paycheck and Steve Goodman, respectively:
> 
> "Take This Job and Shove It"
> 
> "You Never Even Call Me By My Name"



My ex played 'If you dont want to fuck me Baby, fuck off' at our engagement party. The fact that it really made me laugh, and that he knew it would, was what made us so perfect together 

Note for the sensitive amongst you - our folks and all the respectable people had long since departed the event. But I did double dare him to play it at our Wedding Reception!

Tracey xx


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 26, 2007)

I plan to leave my wedding reception to the strains of "Why Don't We Get Drunk." Now, I seriously doubt that any future bride-to-be of mine knows that (though it's possible that they do now), but I plan to spring that on her unannounced. I figure it's better that way.



BeaBea said:


> My ex played 'If you dont want to fuck me Baby, fuck off' at our engagement party. The fact that it really made me laugh, and that he knew it would, was what made us so perfect together
> 
> Note for the sensitive amongst you - our folks and all the respectable people had long since departed the event. But I did double dare him to play it at our Wedding Reception!
> 
> Tracey xx


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 26, 2007)

Mini said:


> Dear friends,
> 
> I know you find it amusing to freak me out with ambiguous advice, but sometimes you've gotta remember that it was a sincere request and it's a dick move to throw me to the wolves.
> 
> ...



Well damn, I didn't think you'd actually wear the frigging assless chaps!


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 26, 2007)

BOB!! I *TOLD* you I don't want that song at our wedding!!!!   

(sorry.... I couldn't help myself... your post was SCREAMING for that line....)



TCUBOB said:


> I plan to leave my wedding reception to the strains of "Why Don't We Get Drunk." Now, I seriously doubt that any future bride-to-be of mine knows that (though it's possible that they do now), but I plan to spring that on her unannounced. I figure it's better that way.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jun 27, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I plan to leave my wedding reception to the strains of "Why Don't We Get Drunk." Now, I seriously doubt that any future bride-to-be of mine knows that (though it's possible that they do now), but I plan to spring that on her unannounced. I figure it's better that way.



Do you wanna get screwed on your wedding night?????

I would tell her - just a helpful hint from Aunt Sandie.:bow:


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 27, 2007)

Well, of COURSE I want to get screwed on my wedding night. But more importantly, I want to:

A) make a joke about it;

B) make sure that EVERYONE knows that I'm going to get laid, and;

C) make sure that the blushing bride has one more opportunity to blush on the way down to the car/limo/carriage/rickshaw/donkey/Vespa/Soapbox Derby Racer/Radio Flyer red wagon being pulled by a team of unemployed roller hockey players.


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 27, 2007)

Dear Avril:

Your song, "Girlfriend", is not just an atrocious song, it is utterly offensive to the senses. It takes just about everything that was _bad _about pop in the late 80's/early 90's- which wasn't a golden era for the genre to begin with- and rehashes it into something shallower than Zoolander and downright torturous to listen to.

By the way, how the hell is this bubblegum teenybopper song helping the original image you were so proud of? You know, punk rawk, anti-Britney, all that shit? I was not even much of a fan of your early work, but at least I respected it for that sentiment.


Sincerely, 
Blackjack

---------------------------------------------

Dear Bon Jovi,

I'm kind of a fan of your music. I don't think that you're the best vocalist, but mostly everything else about the songs, I enjoy.

However, there isn't too much that I like about your latest song, "You Wanna Make A Memory". While I normally find the vocals to be adequate, in this particular turd of a song, you sound like an animal moaning in pain.

Just thought I'd make you aware of that.

-Blackjack

---------------------------------------------

Dear Stop & Shop,

The music you play is shallow bullshit. Most of it is poorly written and sounds as though it was composed by deaf monkeys. A good amount of the vocals are hideously oversung.

(On a side note, attention singers of said shitfest songs: "I" is a one-letter word that has *ONE FUCKING SYLLABLE*. Not forty. Not even the Goatse guy can stretch things that far.)

While many people blame violence on hardcore, heavy metal music, I beg to differ. Having worked at your store for over a year, and listening to this sad excuse for music _damn near everyday_, I can honestly say that I fully understand how it would drive someone completely insane to the point where they snap and go completely postal.

For the safety of your customers, your associates, your products, and (most importantly to you, of course) your wallet, please, please, please- turn the fucking music off.

Love,
A disgruntled employee who's on the GODDAMN EDGE.


----------



## EvilPrincess (Jun 27, 2007)

Dear Sheraton Penn Station, 

Your clubhouse level is not special. Valet service does not mean someone pointing to the parking garage down the street. Placing 12 bad pillows on the bed does not make up for the fact that the pillows are bad. To the darling little desk clerk, it is NOT FUNNY, sending a very hungry person to a restaurant that you know is already closed, you could have been seriously hurt. Your only saving grace was the sushi bar around the corner. 

I think I might hate you 

EP


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jun 27, 2007)

Dear Jim,

Keep bringing in nuts and oranges. You rock.

Also, you are a cool and awesome guy. Keep doing that too.


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jun 27, 2007)

Dear ___________. 

You make me feel like




, because you are like this



. 

And I desperately want to



, and



, because you make me



and




and



.

I wish you would



.



Oh-so-sincerely, 

me.


----------



## Donna (Jun 27, 2007)

Dearest Samantha; 

But you told me you loved me?

Color me, 
So Confused


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jun 27, 2007)

Donnaalicious said:


> Dearest Samantha;
> 
> But you told me you loved me?
> 
> ...



I DO love you. Just please try to hold off on the nose-picking. That's all. 

Kisses.


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Jun 28, 2007)

Dear Unnamed Male Dims Poster:

Why did you choose right now to suddenly become a jerk? You saw a real-life prime example of what not to do, and you're doing the exact same thing. Further, I'm astounded that you made it a point to ask me about the location line in my profile and seemed concerned, and yet shortly thereafter in the same conversation you proceeded to kick me when you knew I was down.

I'm giving up. People, activities, and things that all were once meaningful to me are all being taken away one by one. I'm not trying to fight it anymore or have hope. It's too much effort.

-Barb


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 28, 2007)

Dear Self
Please remember that the Customer is always right. Yes, even the stupid, indecisive and colour blind ones. 

Dear Subconscious,
Please remember that the Customer is always right. No, it is not ok to 'accidentally' jab them with pins.

Love Me xx


----------



## Tad (Jun 28, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Dear Self
> Please remember that the Customer is always right. Yes, even the stupid, indecisive and colour blind ones.
> 
> Dear Subconscious,
> ...



Dear Beas subconscious;

Unless you happen to have arranged fully audio and visual recording, so that we can share in the horror and the retribution. Then it is entertainment.


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 29, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Dear Unnamed Male Dims Poster:
> 
> Why did you choose right now to suddenly become a jerk? You saw a real-life prime example of what not to do, and you're doing the exact same thing. Further, I'm astounded that you made it a point to ask me about the location line in my profile and seemed concerned, and yet shortly thereafter in the same conversation you proceeded to kick me when you knew I was down.
> 
> ...



Barb,
This post concerns me. I haven't any idea what has been going on, but I'm so sorry that you have been hurt and appear to be giving up. 

~Ella


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jul 3, 2007)

Dear my little girls,

Thanks for calling to say good-night tonight. As much as I'm enjoying my alone-time to relax and study, I miss you two so much. Your pictures around the house constantly remind that you are far away at Grandma's. I'm not used to seeing your room so empty, so quiet. 

Mommy...I miss you, too.

See you in a week.

Love,
Daddy


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 3, 2007)

Dear Cluster Headache:

Please go away. 

Dear copier:

Stop jamming.

Dear coworker:

Quit jamming the copier.

Dear Safeway:

Please have nice tomatoes available when I get there in awhile. This will keep me from going postal.


----------



## Carrie (Jul 3, 2007)

Dear Nameless Incoming Illness,

Whatever you are, please go away. I feel like crap, and if you force me to cancel my trip to Atlanta this weekend I'm going to be very, very sad. 

So scoot, okay? 

Sincerely,
Me. 

*****************************

Dear Amish people,

Thank you for making my tasty lemon bread loaf. I was hungry, but didn't feel like eating anything, and a slice of that just now actually hit the spot. 

Although if your market on Saturday is where I picked up this illness, I will be somewhat less fond of you. You understand. 

Sincerely,
Me.


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 3, 2007)

Dear libido,

Yo. You know the deal. Just making sure that you're aware that this three times a day thing gets kinda annoying.

Well, it's annoying when doing it solo, at least. Can't you wait until we got someone to help with it? I mean, really now. I use my right arm ALL THE TIME. For all sorts of stuff, including work! If it gets tired... well, it _can't_. I really can't afford to have my arm not working on the job.

Sincerely,
Kevin


----------



## Tina (Jul 3, 2007)

You know, they say that if you are right-handed and use your left hand, that it feels more like it's not you who's doing it. Dunno, can't say, as I've never tried it with the left.


----------



## Fuzzy (Jul 3, 2007)

I can use my left? who knew?


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 4, 2007)

Tina said:


> You know, they say that if you are right-handed and use your left hand, that it feels more like it's not you who's doing it. Dunno, can't say, as I've never tried it with the left.



I've tried going southpaw, actually... but I think that my left arm just doesn't have the speed and dexterity necessary. Especially when we're talking about the third and fourth times within a 24-hour period.


----------



## Tina (Jul 4, 2007)

Sounds, then, like you may need something more powerful. I hear that it sounds like a small airplane, so it's obviously not discrete. :batting:

Oh, and only $800+!


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jul 4, 2007)

Dear Kevin,

I know more about your libido than I do my own, and I know I'm not alone. I'm not sure how to process this realization. I feel invested somehow in your masturbatory habits, tracking when your sister walks in, how the ole' family room is doing.

So, It comes to this. You have two options. Either suffer silently from now on, or you're going to have to produce more and more, er, material to keep my investment happy.

Alright? Alright.

Sincerely,
A somewhat less "hands on" AFG

PS. If you don't listen to me, I'll have to go into details with a story involving that time of the month and stimulation, and it's not going to be pretty.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 4, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Dear Kevin,
> 
> I know more about your libido than I do my own, and I know I'm not alone. I'm not sure how to process this realization. I feel invested somehow in your masturbatory habits, tracking when your sister walks in, how the ole' family room is doing.
> 
> ...



I think I just corrupted my iPhone by reading this post on it. But really, it was only a matter of time. 

I also agree with AFG, but I'm strangely interested in her story. Curiosity will get you everytime.


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jul 4, 2007)

<consciously ignoring the virtual penpal-ing b/t AFG and Kevin...but secretly waiting with AM about what materializes next.....(_suspensful music_)>


Dear Chicago Transit Authority,

Next time, will you please stop at the damn bus stop because you are supposed to!?

Tonight, I was one of the 1.5 million people downtown seeing the fireworks. And, thanks to you, I had to take a cab home at 1AM. You owe me. 

Two #6 buses passed me by. It was full of people. CTA policy says you must stop. But, you didn't. No stop. No explanation. Yes, I would have fit. It was raining. Instead, I patiently waited almost an hour at that damn bus stop with happy-drunk-boy and trippin'-crack-head-man yelling at some figment of his imagination for 45 minutes. 

Next time, run more #6 buses. You KNOW this is the busiest transit day of the year. You KNOW shitloads of hoity-toity University of Chicago students take the #6 from Hyde Park to downtown. Make them and their rich parents pay for the damn cabs and let us Chicagoans who pay taxes ride the damn transit system we pay for home.

miffed,
bpp


----------



## ripley (Jul 4, 2007)

Dear God, the universe, Karma, d) all of the above:

Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting my dog live. After 11 days in the hospital and the vet saying her blood work was "incompatible with life" I had pretty much given up hope. 

I love her so much. Thank you for not taking her away just yet.

ripley


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jul 4, 2007)

Dear friends from high school,
Yes, I know our ten-year reunion is this year, and yes, I'm thrilled to death to talk to you again - but for the love of god, could you stop procreating for just ONE minute? Do you ALL have to have 18 children, perfect husbands, and successful careers? Bite me.

Love,
Me.


----------



## Chimpi (Jul 4, 2007)

Dear parent with 18 children,

You might want to try a different brand of condom...
Just a suggestion...

Sincerely,
Him


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jul 4, 2007)

Dear stepfather,

Buy yourself a clue. Every time I think I'm actually tolerating you (not liking you - you've made that impossible) you screw it up. 

I seriously cannot believe you went and complained to mom that I left a potholder in the living room. And then, when I finished up what I was working on and came back in looking for it, you went back to her and said, basically, "nevermind." You complained that we never put down the toilet lid when you first moved in - so we started. And now you complain that I put it down too loudly. Are you SERIOUS?! That's all you can find to complain about? Let's look at your issues:

1) You didn't bother to tell my mother that you were near bankruptcy when you married her, and tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Thanks to you, her credit was ruined, and she had to go into bankruptcy as well.

2) I can't do anything during the day because you're asleep due to working night shifts and you refuse to close your bedroom door because your claustrophobic. I can't even cook myself something to eat, because it makes too much noise. 

3) I'm sorry, but you are DUMB AS A ROCK. You are just stupid. I often have to explain things to you 12 times before you understand. 

4) Your spending is still a huge problem post-bankruptcy. My mother pays all the bills, you pay none. When you actually pay a bill of your own, you tell her you did like you expect her to be proud. You make me sick.

5) You talk CONSTANTLY. Just SHUT UP for five minutes. And no, we don't want to hear baseball stats, or who was in what movie. We DON'T CARE about that kind of thing, and we do NOT want to listen to you prattle on about it for hours on end.

6) You refuse to use your CPAP, which would keep you from waking up so easily, would probably keep you from having all the manic issues you have (the talking and spending), would lower your blood pressure, and would keep you from having a stroke or a heart attack, because you're claustrophobic. When I offered to help you get used to it or find other masks that could affect your claustrophobia less you looked me up and down and said "Who are YOU to be lecturing the rest of us on good health?" When you have a stroke and my mother has to wipe your ass for the rest of your life, I'll never forgive you.

7) You are CREEPY. I don't know why, you just are. You asked my 20-year-old cousin if she wore a bikini, because you "bet she would look good in one." You ask about her CONSTANTLY. I have six other cousins - WHY do you only ever ask about her? She refuses to spend the night here now, since she caught you standing over her bed just staring at her. 

You asked for my 21-year-old friend's address because you bought a book for her you thought she'd like. She said you made her "enormously uncomfortable" while she was here. 

You commented no less than three times on the earrings a teenage waitress was wearing at dinner the other night, and how they "looked good on her." You have no concept of what is socially appropriate. And is a playboy subscription really necessary at your age? Gross. Let me put it this way - you've been married to my mom for five years, and we've never had a non-awkward hug. That says something.

I'm rather proud of myself for never telling you any of this. Because frankly, I'm tempted to. But for my mother's sake, I'm keeping the peace. I just don't understand why she puts up with your crap.

So next time you feel the need to complain about a potholder? Make sure you don't do it where I can hear. Because you might end up with a potholder up your ass.


----------



## Jane (Jul 4, 2007)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear stepfather,
> 
> ...
> 
> So next time you feel the need to complain about a potholder? Make sure you don't do it where I can hear. Because you might end up with a potholder up your ass.



I vote for this solution. Honestly. 

Sometimes it takes a little tap, sometimes a 2x4 to get people's attention. That "tap" step just doesn't work with some people.


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 4, 2007)

Tina said:


> Sounds, then, like you may need something more powerful. I hear that it sounds like a small airplane, so it's obviously not discrete. :batting:
> 
> Oh, and only $800+!











activistfatgirl said:


> So, It comes to this. You have two options. Either suffer silently from now on, or you're going to have to produce more and more, er, material to keep my investment happy.



What, you want a weekly newsletter? 



AnnMarie said:


> I think I just corrupted my iPhone by reading this post on it. But really, it was only a matter of time.



I'm surprised it took this long.



ripley said:


> Dear God, the universe, Karma, d) all of the above:
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting my dog live. After 11 days in the hospital and the vet saying her blood work was "incompatible with life" I had pretty much given up hope.
> 
> ...



Great news, Rip!  



BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear friends from high school,
> Yes, I know our ten-year reunion is this year, and yes, I'm thrilled to death to talk to you again - but for the love of god, could you stop procreating for just ONE minute? Do you ALL have to have 18 children, perfect husbands, and successful careers? Bite me.
> 
> Love,
> Me.



Dear parent of 18 children:








BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear stepfather,
> 
> ........
> 
> So next time you feel the need to complain about a potholder? Make sure you don't do it where I can hear. Because you might end up with a potholder up your ass.



Fuck that, shove his CPAP up there. It's not like he's getting any use out of it, apparently.


----------



## Jane (Jul 4, 2007)

That picture is now making its way around to damn near everyone on my email list.


----------



## Fuzzy (Jul 4, 2007)

Dear Parents of 18 children,

Wow. If you tire of any of them, I'll gladly take them off your hands. 

Fuzzy


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jul 5, 2007)

Dear Cory,

Well, it's been almost 6 years since you left. Some days it feels like yesterday and some days it feels like decades ago. I still dread that day in August. I think it may be a better one this year.

I found picture of us yesterday while going thru some stuff at my mom's. We looked so happy standing in front of the state signs..acting like idiots. I threw them away. I figured it was only fitting since you threw us away back then.

I don't hate you. I don't care for you anymore. I often wonder what might had been though...I wonder how many kids you have now and if Kaylee still looks like you. That was a hard year for me. The love of my life marrying someone 4 months after breaking things off with me and having a kid a year later....especially after breaking up with me because you said those things weren't for you. Man...one or both of us was clueless.

So, it's been 6 years and there hasn't really been anyone since you. I'm not sure why..but hopefully things will change. 

This is my goodbye to you. I can't waste my life on could have, should have, would haves. I need all of my heart to give to someone new...so...I'm officially evicting you from that little spot you've been occupying for 7 years. 

Take care,
Misty


----------



## mossystate (Jul 5, 2007)

Fuzzy said:


> Dear Parents of 18 children,
> 
> Wow. If you tire of any of them, I'll gladly take them off your hands.
> 
> Fuzzy



Ummm..why did the Foodee Board come to mind when I read this message of yours...?:blink:


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 5, 2007)

Dear Misty, 

I'm proud of you for doing that, I know how hard it is as I've done it myself. The upside is that I really did leave it behind, and since doing so I've been open to new things and they've been happening to me. 

It's a positive step to put it away, close the door (mine was always open, even when I didn't know it. I always had a "well, if things happened..." attitude in the back of my mind). 

Enjoy the freedom of that choice, it's a great feeling to put the ghosts to rest.

AM


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 5, 2007)

Dear Dimensions, 

Please don't disappear. It makes me rock in a corner and question the entire existence of the universe as I know it. 

Thanks,
AnnMarie


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jul 5, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Dear Dimensions,
> 
> Please don't disappear. It makes me rock in a corner and question the entire existence of the universe as I know it.
> 
> ...



Dear AnnMarie,

I'll rock with you. I realized this afternoon how much data I have stored up in Dimensions. Between not knowing people's email addresses to important dates and messages, not being able to log in makes me anxious.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 You, Dimensions!

Best,
AFG

PS. Why does it seem like people were posting during the time it was off? Is Dims on different servers?


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 5, 2007)

Dear Ann Marie and AFG,

I live within egging distance of the Chief. Don't worry.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 5, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> PS. Why does it seem like people were posting during the time it was off? Is Dims on different servers?



I don't know, I looked as soon as I got back, there were only 6 users on and the only post for the past hour was one that Risible made when we came back up... sooo, not sure?


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jul 6, 2007)

Dear Clubhouse friends,
I was also in fear that I'd lost my link to Dimensions. Perhaps we should share more information so next time (please don't let it happen, but it has in the past) we can all e-mail or IM each other and not feel so lost.

Your friend,
Ella


----------



## elle camino (Jul 6, 2007)

dear apartment ~

it would be SUPER GREAT if you could clean yourself from top to bottom while i'm asleep tonight. i will even call mopping optional! be a pal and do it just this once, k?
k.
<3,

-abby


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 6, 2007)

elle camino said:


> dear apartment ~
> 
> it would be SUPER GREAT if you could clean yourself from top to bottom while i'm asleep tonight. i will even call mopping optional! be a pal and do it just this once, k?
> k.
> ...



I have got to know if this worked!


----------



## supersoup (Jul 6, 2007)

dear this weekend,

the weather is looking promising, and we've got loads of things to do. DON'T FUCK IT UP. no sweltering heat please, just keep it nice, yes? oh, and for my godson's birthday party sunday afternoon, you can heat it up to swimming weather so he can have a blast. 

your roadtripping buddy,
amanda


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 6, 2007)

Dear Mom,

After a week of begging, pleading, and _offering to fucking pay for it myself_, if we don't have cable back tonight so that I can watch Doctor Who, I may kill you and/or your dog. I'm willing to personally pay the $35 monthly that you seem to be so reluctant to divert from your manicure fund. I won't even ask my broke-ass, non-working sister for a dime- even if she'll use it for her own purposes for the rest of the summer non-stop!

-Kevin


----------



## butch (Jul 6, 2007)

Dear Letters to People and Things Thread,

How come I didn't know you existed until now?

Luv,
Me

Dear Katie,

You've been gone since early October, and I really miss you right now. I still have all your stuff-your bed, your toys, your collar and leash, your frontline, your biscuits and your food. You were mine for 13 years and I can't believe how perfect you were, so not like me but so very compatible. How happy you always were, how much you loved everyone and thought going to the vet was great because of all the people and pets you got to meet. How much you enjoyed putting the big dogs in their place, and how entitled you felt to sleep on any bed, chair, or couch in any space you felt like. 

I miss you curling up against me while I read, or snuggling under the covers when it was cold at night. I miss that happy face, all smashed up and buggy eyed, that always lit up when you saw me. I even miss your antics from your younger days, when you'd steal my underwear and hide it under the bed, or throw up grass on my sheets. I miss chasing you through the snow in downtown Damascus because you're deaf and you thought it was game. I miss that last moment, holding you in my arms as you went to sleep forever, and thinking that if only I wasn't a lazy bum who never held a decent job I could have afforded to keep you alive for at least a few more months. But I miss most of all knowing that you were the one living thing in my life that didn't mind me rubbing your back, or kissing your forehead, and I miss that tactile interaction so much. I feel so insignificant without something in my life to love, and I wish you were here for one last belly rub.

With that being said, Katydid, I hope you don't mind that I'm thinking of adopting another dog. No dog could ever replace you, but I'm lonely in my new apartment and think I'm ready to raise another dog. Just like you, I'll adopt a dog that lost its home and needs a new one. And maybe, like you, I'll find a special needs dog that requires a little more patience and understanding than the normal dog, and I'll give it the care that it deserves. I just ask that you be OK with this, and that you let me know if its a good idea, and if so, you help me find the right dog. And I hope you forgive me for putting you to sleep, and know that I did it hoping to spare you further pain and suffering.

Love,
Julia


----------



## SummerG (Jul 6, 2007)

butch said:


> I hope you don't mind that I'm thinking of adopting another dog.



Dear Butch,

Your letter to your dog was amazing. I'm certain Katie would not mind you finding a place in your heart for another doggy. Our pets know that like them, we have an infinite amount of love to give and that they will never be forgotten.

Good luck on your search for a new pupster. 

Summer
xox


----------



## elle camino (Jul 6, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I have got to know if this worked!


 not even a little bit.
which only confirms my theory: my apartment IS magic and self-cleaning, but it also just hates me and likes to watch me suffer.


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Jul 6, 2007)

supersoup said:


> dear this weekend,
> 
> the weather is looking promising, and we've got loads of things to do. DON'T FUCK IT UP. no sweltering heat please, just keep it nice, yes? oh, and for my godson's birthday party sunday afternoon, you can heat it up to swimming weather so he can have a blast.
> 
> ...



Dear Amanda,

I hope you have a great time on your roadtrip this weekend! You deserve it! 

-Ella


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Brent,

You're a shitty worker and a pile of sleaze. I hate working with you. And I don't give a shit if you don't feel like working. 

With regard to what happened tonight, we shouldn't have to call you AFTER YOUR GODDAMN SHIFT STARTS to find out where the hell you are. Nor should we have to make up some lame excuse for you so that you don't get in trouble when you fuck around like the irresponsible pencildick that you are.

Please fall into a pile of nuclear waste and die.

Love, 
Kevin


----------



## Fuzzy (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Dimmers,

Don't Despair, find a shady spot to weather the heat and before you know it, the days will get shorter, and the leaves will fall and those cool autumn temperatures will be back again.

I promise,

Fuzzy


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Fuzzy, 

I'm holding you to that. Penalty will be all the yummies in your basement. 

-Mree.


----------



## butch (Jul 7, 2007)

Dear Dimensions people,

Thank you so much for the kind words and the rep that I've gotten lately (not to mention my first light green can!). I know at least twice in the last month I was being very self-pitying about myself and my place here at Dimensions, and now I realize what a dope I was. Some of you told me that it was my faulty perception that I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, and I didn't believe you. Now I realize you were right, I do fit in, and I haven't felt that way for a long time. So please accept my apologies.

I find it so odd that I feel so warm and accepted here, when all most of you are is a bunch of words on a screen. That must be a testament to how caring and smart and interesting you all really are, since the power of your personality transcends the medium of a flat screen. I'm grateful for so much that you all give me, and hope that I've been able to give back a little of what I get from you. I think every day I feel a little bit better about myself, a little more hopeful that things will continue to look up, and a little more sure that I'm with people who accept me just because of who I am and not what I can do for them, just because I spend time here with you.

So, huge thanks to all of you, even if we've never met. In many ways you're my family, and I love you.

XO,
Julia

PS-thanks too for the words about Katie-I got choked up reading them.


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jul 7, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear Dimensions people,
> 
> Thank you so much for the kind words and the rep that I've gotten lately (not to mention my first light green can!). I know at least twice in the last month I was being very self-pitying about myself and my place here at Dimensions, and now I realize what a dope I was. Some of you told me that it was my faulty perception that I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, and I didn't believe you. Now I realize you were right, I do fit in, and I haven't felt that way for a long time. So please accept my apologies.
> 
> ...



butch,

_"You must spread some reputation around..."_

I just wanted to say:

1. (((((((((((Julia))))))))))) I'm sorry I haven't been on enough lately....busy with summer schedule and studies. But, I wanted to say, I love running into you online.  I count on you as my Dim-online academic co-conspirator, queer/fat sojourner, and friend. If you ever feel like fading off the Dim scene, plz IM me first. I don't want to lose contact. We are still due for a cup of joe or something at some conference somewhere. 

2. I so identify with the "never met but love you guys" thing. Sometimes I feel like a drunk on this board - I love everybody and I'm not sure I have it all together b/c I've only met a handful hear. But, I take it as grace. I feel wrapped in this with you. Thanks be to Dim. <lights incense and offers up a sacrifice>

3. B/t you and me, I think not-fitting lives in the soul of queerness and queer theory. Queer minds and bodies live in the spaces within and apart. Both. Simultaneously. Our lives are in the spaces-in-between. (Think of a fat fold!  ) Queer never fits; it spans across, breaks apart, and haunts all the proper categories. It upsets the system. Fit, belonging, "home": these are the places for the normative. Some of us honestly cannot live there; we have to make our own. Nomads, maybe (Deleuze). No matter how proximate, we experience the space, the interval, the distance that makes of difference and sets things apart. (Derrida) Queerness disrupts. That's its power. That is its cost.

Maybe I should have PM'd this to you, but I didn't.

Here's to you....and Katie.
Peace, friend.
Matt
bpp


----------



## Jane (Jul 7, 2007)

When you meet us, you find we do wonderful things like scratch in public and suck our teeth.

Sometimes people are just a little less irritating onscreen.

That said, I've made wonderful IRL friends from people I first ran into on boards. (I've also wanted to run over some I've met. I think that's just me, though.)


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jul 7, 2007)

Jane said:


> When you meet us, you find we do wonderful things like scratch in public and suck our teeth.
> 
> ...



:wubu: :wubu:


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 8, 2007)

Jane said:


> When you meet us, you find we do wonderful things like scratch in public and suck our teeth.



Does scratching in inappropriate places count?



> Sometimes people are just a little less irritating onscreen.



Don't count on it.



> That said, I've made wonderful IRL friends from people I first ran into on boards. (I've also wanted to run over some I've met. I think that's just me, though.)



No it's not just you by a long shot!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jul 8, 2007)

bigplaidpants said:


> 3. B/t you and me, I think not-fitting lives in the soul of queerness and queer theory. Queer minds and bodies live in the spaces within and apart. Both. Simultaneously. Our lives are in the spaces-in-between. (Think of a fat fold!  ) Queer never fits; it spans across, breaks apart, and haunts all the proper categories. It upsets the system. Fit, belonging, "home": these are the places for the normative. Some of us honestly cannot live there; we have to make our own. Nomads, maybe (Deleuze). No matter how proximate, we experience the space, the interval, the distance that makes of difference and sets things apart. (Derrida) Queerness disrupts. That's its power. That is its cost.
> 
> Maybe I should have PM'd this to you, but I didn't.
> 
> ...




*snipped original quote*

Matt,

That particular part of your post made my heart want to come leaping out of my chest because it is so heavy with meaning to me. The rest of it in totality, while for Julia, reminds me that you're good people, a brother.

Also, your use of "sojourn". I hope that there's much food, talk, comraderie on this long, windy sojourn of us.

Let's all go for coffee.

Mushy stuff,
Tiffany

PS. Also feeling deep solidarity torwards anyone who is prose-y in speech like I can be. Let's all fail out of a creative writing class together!
----------
Turkey,

Stop being delicious and free (and dead).

Sincerely,
Not so vegetarian AFG


----------



## rainyday (Jul 8, 2007)

Dear Butch,

I'm glad you're starting to feel like a round peg. I really like when there's harmony and peace and everybody's sipping from the big communal cup of joy here. It's awesome watching people grow and evolve (saying this about all, not just you) and flow spirit-wise to fit spaces here they never even know they belonged in. I know I'm wholly different from the person I was when I showed up here five or so years ago, and a fair bit of that has to do with riding the tide to and fro alongside the energy of everyone here. It rubs off. It shapes. Sometimes it even scours you clean--like pumice for the self hate and negative gunk collected out in the "real" world..

And while I'm being all esoteric and reflective, a Dear Everyone comment too: 
Thanks for all the support and encouragement the last two years. 'Twas a shitty time made bearable in part by the kindness of "strangers" who in many ways know me better than folks I've known most my life. There's been a whole lot of empathy and caring extended to me, sometimes in amazing amounts. Now I'm upright again, I'm having a great summer and over the past few months life's begun to have color in it once more. Seems a good time to say, "Thanks! I'm doing well again and you all are a big part of the reason for that." So consider it said please. 

rainy


----------



## Chimpi (Jul 8, 2007)

Dear Mom,

Your husband is a douche bag. It's almost unbearable to see you in pain over him staring down another womans blouse... right in front of you. It's even more painful to hear you say that you're "an ugly fat pig". You're what, a size 14!? Get a grip, mother!! Divorce him, move on, and find some inner strength and beauty! You deserve so much more!
Do I have your permission to punch him in the noggin' every time I see him?

Love,
YerSun


----------



## mossystate (Jul 8, 2007)

Dear Summer Night,

Thank you for always taking me back to wonderful places with your scents and sounds. I feel I need to collect all the memories I can right now and I am glad you are here for another few months.

And, Mom, I know this was your time of year. I planted some geraniums and a few tomato plants. The tomato plants..well..I don't have your green thumb..but I am giving it a good go *W*. I will miss coming down and visiting and spending a few hours at a time watering the great number of plants and flowers you so lovingly planted. You could always 'find room' for some struggling marigold or any number of flowers that would have you dragging out your Sunset gardening book.

I promise I will find some mossrose to plant. I know they were your moms favorite summer flower and while I never met her, I will be able to think of both of you, sitting there, looking at my feeble attempts...hey..send a girl a little gardening know-how! 

Monick


----------



## Jane (Jul 8, 2007)

Sandie_Zitkus said:


> Does scratching in inappropriate places count?



But, of course!!!

Personally, I'm a public "adjust your bra straps" person.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 8, 2007)

Jane said:


> But, of course!!!
> 
> Personally, I'm a public "adjust your bra straps" person.



I don't stop there, the boobs get hoisted and readjusted as well. Full-on hand-in-cup action. The girls need to be presented properly... damn the nay-sayers.


----------



## Jane (Jul 8, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I don't stop there, the boobs get hoisted and readjusted as well. Full-on hand-in-cup action. The girls need to be presented properly... damn the nay-sayers.



Me, too, if necessary.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jul 8, 2007)

Me three..... :blush: 



AnnMarie said:


> I don't stop there, the boobs get hoisted and readjusted as well. Full-on hand-in-cup action. The girls need to be presented properly... damn the nay-sayers.


----------



## mossystate (Jul 8, 2007)

Four..

and with mine being of the tribe floppy...I gotta dig DEEP....


----------



## butch (Jul 8, 2007)

count me in, too. Although with me, the problem is one boob is significantly bigger than the other, so I'm always trying to tuck one back in the cup, and the other one is fine. I think it is mocking me and the right boob for our antics, too.


----------



## mossystate (Jul 8, 2007)

butch said:


> count me in, too. Although with me, the problem is one boob is significantly bigger than the other, so I'm always trying to tuck one back in the cup, and the other one is fine. I think it is mocking me and the right boob for our antics, too.





Butch..I thought you were a man..and not because of anything in particular that you have said....so..not a bad or good thing.....just..what it is....but now I know...because most men do not wear bras...:doh: 

monique..pay attention..dammit




my left one is also much more voluptuous


----------



## butch (Jul 8, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Butch..I thought you were a man..and not because of anything in particular that you have said....so..not a bad or good thing.....just..what it is....but now I know...because most men do not wear bras...:doh:
> 
> monique..pay attention..dammit
> 
> ...



No, I wear a 'bro', I really am a guy, ha ha. 

Yeah, I'm kinda cagey like that, not too open about my girly parts and all, not to deceive or anything, but because I'm one of the least 'girly' people you'll meet, appearance-wise, but very girly in some ways in my personality. Does that make sense?

Plus, my avatars and such don't help. Butch was chosen cuz it was one of my childhood nicknames, and I'm on a Chris Farley kick right now, so thats where all that stuff comes from in my avatar-"Fat guy in a little coat" is a bit from Farley's movie "Tommy Boy."

Hope it doesn't appear like I was trying to deceive, mossy.


----------



## mossystate (Jul 8, 2007)

butch said:


> No, I wear a 'bro', I really am a guy, ha ha.
> 
> Yeah, I'm kinda cagey like that, not too open about my girly parts and all, not to deceive or anything, but because I'm one of the least 'girly' people you'll meet, appearance-wise, but very girly in some ways in my personality. Does that make sense?
> 
> ...



Noooooo..no..no.....and even if you were 'deceiving' ( not saying you were/are ) that would be YOUR bidness.. . Like I said, I was the one not paying attention.

And, what you said makes perfect sense to me. I too am tough to slam into a small box...sometimes. I think I need to slow down at times...but I am glad we can commiserate on the whole one boob bigger..thing...


----------



## Jane (Jul 8, 2007)

butch said:


> No, I wear a 'bro', I really am a guy, ha ha.
> 
> Yeah, I'm kinda cagey like that, not too open about my girly parts and all, not to deceive or anything, but because I'm one of the least 'girly' people you'll meet, appearance-wise, but very girly in some ways in my personality. Does that make sense?
> 
> ...



A very large part of your "non-girly" appearance is by choice.


----------



## butch (Jul 8, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Noooooo..no..no.....and even if you were 'deceiving' ( not saying you were/are ) that would be YOUR bidness.. . Like I said, I was the one not paying attention.
> 
> And, what you said makes perfect sense to me. I too am tough to slam into a small box...sometimes. I think I need to slow down at times...but I am glad we can commiserate on the whole one boob bigger..thing...



Maybe we should start a 'one boob bigger thread' here in the clubhouse for the next sysfadad or whatever that acronym is? Can't imagine you and I are the only ones?


----------



## butch (Jul 8, 2007)

Jane said:


> A very large part of your "non-girly" appearance is by choice.



Oh, true, but in some ways it doesn't feel like a choice, in that I feel more 'me' when I look less feminine. However, other than boobs, I wasn't blessed with curves that scream 'girl' (no curvy hips or ass to speak of).

Some day I'm gonna post my prom picture so you can see me at my most girly. Not sure if I have the courage, though.


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 8, 2007)

Dear internet, 

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU HARD IN THE ASS WITH A SPIKED CLUB.

Sincerely, 
Kevin, who is currently gouging his eyes out after finding Captain Jack Sparrow tentacle rape drawings


----------



## Mini (Jul 8, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Dear internet,
> 
> FUCK YOU.
> 
> ...



Share! Share!

/ Has a problem
// OK, many


----------



## Fuzzy (Jul 8, 2007)

Everyone,

The Net has everything you can possibly imagine, and worse than you can possibly imagine, and its also in color. 

Been there, Seen that..

Fuzzy


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 8, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I don't stop there, the boobs get hoisted and readjusted as well. Full-on hand-in-cup action. The girls need to be presented properly... damn the nay-sayers.



Ah - my kind woman!!! Do you pull up your underwear when it slips too??? I do - it always brings whatever is going on to a dead stop!


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jul 9, 2007)

Dear Kevin,
The FBI would like to know exactly what search terms you were using for that particular search.


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 9, 2007)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear Kevin,
> The FBI would like to know exactly what search terms you were using for that particular search.



There was no search. It was a browse of an image database.


----------



## supersoup (Jul 9, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Dear internet,
> 
> FUCK YOU.
> 
> ...



two days of googling, and i've got nothing. damn you teasing my insatiable curiosity!!! and yes, i know i don't want to know what it is, but i must know now.

oy.


----------



## love dubh (Jul 9, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Dear internet,
> 
> FUCK YOU.
> 
> ...



If it exists, there is porn of it.

/The only exception to the Rule is the statement of it.
//That's what you get for being a /b/tard?


----------



## JoyJoy (Jul 9, 2007)

love dubh said:


> If it exists, there is porn of it.
> 
> /The only exception to the Rule is the statement of it.
> //That's what you get for being a /b/tard?


 You're telling me. 

IC that curiosity got the better of me after soupy's post, and before long, I found this. (warning: not work appropriate) That image is erotic and disturbing at the same time, but what amazes me the most is that it was created in 1820. 



(Mods...if this post violates the rules, I won't cry foul if it needs to be removed)

(I also confess that I just realized this isn't the Confessions thread...)

Note to self:

Pay attention to thread titles before posting!

Me

There, that should take care of that.


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 9, 2007)

love dubh said:


> If it exists, there is porn of it.
> 
> /The only exception to the Rule is the statement of it.
> //That's what you get for being a /b/tard?



I know about Rule 34... but still. I didn't believe it.


----------



## love dubh (Jul 9, 2007)

Dear Joe:

I'm done concerning myself with you. I've found that all I have are negative thoughts of you, and I've even said some mean things about you re: our sex life. It's unfair to you, as you weren't the fumbling idiot that I paint you to be in my head. I'm being spiteful, puerile, and all around un-fucking-fair. Sex has been, and continues to be, a tough subject for me, and I was considering it all the wrong way. I never enjoyed the ride (te he), only thought of that "grand finale" that "should have happened." I'm underestimated you. I underestimated myself. 

Also, you said belittling things to me that I could never let go of, and that composed my appraisal of you as a douchebag....the overarching theme-of-thought that lead to me breaking up with you. Yes, you apologized profusely, but still those words slipped, and they were excruciating. I hope you never know what it's like to date someone who thinks you're an idiot.

No longer yours,
Maire.


----------



## supersoup (Jul 9, 2007)

dearest memory stick,

please quit reading error as there are several pictures on you from this weekend that i want badly!!!!

kissing your ass in hopes that you'll work,
amanda




maire,

i adore you. 

mandasoup


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jul 9, 2007)

Dear Maire.....

(((((((((Maire))))))))))


You rock girl.... proud of ya!

Vi


----------



## love dubh (Jul 10, 2007)

Thanks, girls. ((((((((((((Soups and Vi)))))))))))))))
------------------------

Dear Caesar,

You're a good fuck. No, really, you are. And thanks for enlightening me to the hilarity that is the Marx Bros. "Animal Crackers." You've become quite the conversationalist, in that you now string along more than 3 sentences at one time without an awkward silence. Could it be that you like me now that my own mad infatuation with you is waning? Oh, cruelty. 

Also: that gin and tonic was yummy.

Also^2: I read "The Rats in the Walls." Now *I'll* be freaking out at every sound. Wish I were in your bed, hoggin' your sheets.

"Do you have a soccer ball?" sounds nuttin' like "Are you up to fucking?",
Maire.


----------



## Tina (Jul 10, 2007)

Maire, it sounds like you lead an interesting life.


----------



## alienlanes (Jul 10, 2007)

love dubh said:


> Also^2: I read "The Rats in the Walls." Now *I'll* be freaking out at every sound. Wish I were in your bed, hoggin' your sheets.



When a boy gives you Lovecraft, he means he wants to give you lovin'. I approve .

ETA: Continuing the theme of the evening, I had a great Lovecraft image macro, but now I can't find it on my HD and it's the one Demotivator that Macrochan _doesn't_ have .


----------



## butch (Jul 10, 2007)

SlackerFA said:


> When a boy gives you Lovecraft, he means he wants to give you lovin'. I approve .
> 
> ETA: Continuing the theme of the evening, I had a great Lovecraft image macro, but now I can't find it on my HD and it's the one Demotivator that Macrochan _doesn't_ have .



Ah, Lovecraft. Those are some memories. Nothing says love like all those thinly veiled outer space vagina monsters in a good Lovecraft story.


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jul 10, 2007)

Dear brake pedal: 

It was really, really unkind of you to suddenly sink to the floor as I was driving down that big hill at 40mph. Nice that you announced yourself _after _the fact with that red light, but I have to take you to task for doing this JUST after I picked up my beloved truck - the truck you're supposed to *stop *- from the mechanic. I'm disappointed, brake pedal. To think I always trusted you. 

Dear weather: 

Your buddy brake pedal didn't kill me - but you almost did. The part where you pumped it up to 98° + 70% humidity and blazing sunshine on the truck I barely pulled off the road was... impressive. Was it that urgent that I drop dead today? Were you _that _insistent on my demise that the dizziness, stomach pains, panting and profuse sweating you heaped upon me today... those were absolutely necessary? I don't understand this, weather. Sure, I've complained when you were less than cooperative with my plans... but did you have to resort to this? I'm disappointed in you too, weather. I've always had nice things to say about you in the past. 

Sorry I had to mess up your plans and not die. But don't worry - I'm suspect you'll have company in your disappointment at my continued existence. You could start a club. 

Until next time, you two...

Sam.


----------



## Donna (Jul 10, 2007)

Dear Samantha, 

Thank you for not dying today. 

Love, 
Your Friend


----------



## JoyJoy (Jul 10, 2007)

SamanthaNY said:


> Dear brake pedal:
> 
> It was really, really unkind of you to suddenly sink to the floor as I was driving down that big hill at 40mph. Nice that you announced yourself _after _the fact with that red light, but I have to take you to task for doing this JUST after I picked up my beloved truck - the truck you're supposed to *stop *- from the mechanic. I'm disappointed, brake pedal. To think I always trusted you.
> 
> ...


 I had this happen to me as I was coming up to a hairpin curve....scared the hello out of me, but thankfully I had the wherewithal to down shift into the curve to slow down and not end up in the ditch or splattered across several tree trunks. The asshole who had just worked on my brakes slapped his forehead when I told him, saying he knew he had forgotten something....he had never done whatever is needed to be done to get the brake fluid pumping again. :doh:

PS I'm glad you're okay, too.


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jul 10, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> I had this happen to me as I was coming up to a hairpin curve....scared the hello out of me, but thankfully I had the wherewithal to down shift into the curve to slow down and not end up in the ditch or splattered across several tree trunks. The asshole who had just worked on my brakes slapped his forehead when I told him, saying he knew he had forgotten something....he had never done whatever is needed to be done to get the brake fluid pumping again. :doh:
> 
> PS I'm glad you're okay, too.



Scary story, Joyjoy! Glad you're okay too... *hug*


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 10, 2007)

Dear Will,

Im really hurt right now. Like everything in life, though, its complicated. Im hurt that you invited me to your wedding but qualified it by saying there will a lot of kids there and you can help us keep them in line. Im hurt that you dont call when you say you will. Im hurt that you dont want to. Im hurt that it feels like our friendship will never work again. Im hurt that this is how you seem to want or need it. Mostly, though, Im hurt that its so much my fault. I feel like youve had to play my hero too many times and youre simply tired of it. I especially hate it, because I never wanted you to be my hero or to save me.

Remember when we first met and I caused you no end of stress because I refused to give you straight answers about anything? Part of it was insecurityor maybe all of it was. The point is I never wanted to tell you things, because I never wanted you to know how bad they were and how fucked up I was. I know youre smart enough to have seen some of it anyway, but I couldnt bear the idea of showing you the rest and having to always wonder if you only hung out with me because you felt sorry for me or because you felt I needed you. I know thats an immature view of things, but, contrary to what I claimed then, I really was just a kid. 

However, even now, I cant stand the idea that someone might give anything (even friendship) to me or do anything for me out of pity or a sense of obligation. It means so much more to me when the motive is simply friendship and the joy it brings. Over the years, you have done so much for me, truly, and I feel that much of it was motivated by real friendship and the joy you got from it, but somewhere along the way the motivation seems to have switched to guilt and/or a sense of obligation. I really and truly hate that, even though it has been my various emotional troubles that have likely brought on the change.

Im sorry for thatmore than you can probably know. You have been the most important person to ever enter my life. I dont say that lightly or because I view you with the old starry-eyes of youth. I say it because it is the truthplain and simple. I have tried to tell you over the years just how much you have meant to me, but I have never quite succeeded.

Consider this, though: even something so simple as my very first R.E.M. concert (and you remember, Im sure, how much they meant to me) found you by my side. It goes so much deeper than that, of course, but on a practical level you can probably see the significance of your presence with me at that show. From something so basic to things as complex as my own concept of identity, you have taught me and given me so much.

It was you who inspired me to stop lyingto stop obfuscating (you also taught me that word). Seeing myself through your eyes, I realized how silly and childish it was to lie and hide and it was your input and inspiration that made me determined to adopt a policy of honestyand I have, with very few missteps along the way, maintained that honesty. It is something about which I am really quite proud. I feel safer in my honesty than I ever did in hidingand I have you to thank for that.

Before I met you, I had no idea that beauty was subjective or relative. Im serious here. Id heard the clichés, but I didnt understand them. It wasnt that I didnt believe beauty was relative; it was that I honestly did not know. You showed me otherwise and taught me otherwise, not by preaching at me but by simply and genuinely loving the places and people in which you saw beauty. I remember the day the importance of that dawned on me and the switch flipped in my mind. You and I were out somewhere and we saw this girlshe was kind of chubby and wearing work boots. You were so completely entranced and I knew it was genuine. It was then that I realized that smart people find their own ways through and to things and dont just buy what is handed down to them. Seriously, Will, you taught me that.

It wasnt until after I met you that I started wearing skirts and tights and fishnets and make up and the color pink. For the first time, I realized that even a fat clumsy insecure person such as myself was allowed to be girly and feminine. I realized that even someone such as myself could define womanhood however they chose and not have to squeeze into some narrow definition. Id never dressed that way before, thinking instead that I had to dress to blend in and hide and not call attention to all the ways I failed at being real girl. You taught me otherwise, Will. You taught me that I was allowed to claim the terms woman and girl for myself even if I wasnt thin, or typically pretty, or any other damned thing. You taught me to keep an open mind about things and people and conceptsincluding and especially about myself.

I wrote more, danced more, went out more, loved more, laughed more, and lived more after meeting you. I thank god at least once a day that I met you, that you found me, that you ever loved me enough to put up with my insecurities and fallacies and obfuscations enough to teach me as much as you did. Whether you know it or not or believe it or not, it was truly a miraculous feat on your part. I am a lucky person, strictly because I got to know you and call you a friend. I miss that so much, Will. I want to earn your friendship back. Can and will you help me do so? 

When I was 12, I found this poem that I liked. Hell, I loved it. I tucked it away and never showed anyone, because in my little-girl mind I thought I would one day fall in love with someone who would exemplify this poem and then I would give it to them and them alone. My former roommate threw away the book it was in when I left Chicago, but the truth is I hadnt read the poem in more than a decade anyway. About a week or so ago, I decided to look it up and what I discovered is that my views on love were too simplistic when I tucked this poem away long ago. For years I have carried this poem around in my mind looking for the person to whom I was meant to give it without realizing that Id found that person in you. Shame on me for not realizing that love means friendship, too.

I love you.

Love,
Rebecca

*I Love You*
by Roy Croft

I love you,
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
when I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.
I love you,
For the part of me
that you bring out.
I love you
For putting your hand
into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
all the foolish weak things
That you can't help
dimly seeing there
And for drawing out into the light
All the beautiful belongings
that no one else had looked
quite far enough to find. 
I love you,
Because you are helping me
to make of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern but a temple;
Out of the works of every day
Not a reproach but a song. 
I love you
Because you have done
more than any creed
Could have done to make me good
And more than any fate
could have done to make me happy. 
You have done it without a touch
Without a word, without a sign.
You have done it by being yourself.
Perhaps that is what being
a friend means after all.
---
Thank you.


----------



## butch (Jul 10, 2007)

Dear Rebecca,

Aww, Rebecca, that was lovely. Truly honest and beautiful, as is everything you write. Words escape me, but I did want to let you know how much it moved me.

I hope you meet someone who deserves that poem, in whatever capacity, real soon. It sounds like you have just as much to give to them as Will gave to you.

Warmly,
Julia


----------



## Carrie (Jul 10, 2007)

butch said:


> Warmly,
> Julia



Dear Julia, 

You have a beautiful name, and I'm happy to know it. Julia.  

Sincerely,
Me.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jul 10, 2007)

Wow. ((((Rebecca))))) 

Amazingly heartfelt. 

You cannot be more proud of yourself than I am of you right now. 

Really lovely.....

Vi







Rebecca said:


> Dear Will,
> 
> Im really hurt right now. Like everything in life, though, its complicated. Im hurt that you invited me to your wedding but qualified it by saying there will a lot of kids there and you can help us keep them in line. Im hurt that you dont call when you say you will. Im hurt that you dont want to. Im hurt that it feels like our friendship will never work again. Im hurt that this is how you seem to want or need it. Mostly, though, Im hurt that its so much my fault. I feel like youve had to play my hero too many times and youre simply tired of it. I especially hate it, because I never wanted you to be my hero or to save me.
> 
> ...


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jul 10, 2007)

back to.... "normal"? *snickersnort*


----------



## Jane (Jul 10, 2007)

SamanthaNY said:


> back to.... "normal"? *snickersnort*



I think that is the "status normal" as in SNAFU.


----------



## Fuzzy (Jul 10, 2007)

Says Who? Says you, Says I!


----------



## supersoup (Jul 10, 2007)

dear turkey sandwich i just ate,

you were fucking delicious. peppered turkey, toasted italian bread, and hot pepper cheese is good eats.

missing you,
ME


----------



## Tina (Jul 11, 2007)

JoyJoy said:


> I had this happen to me as I was coming up to a hairpin curve....scared the hello out of me, but thankfully I had the wherewithal to down shift into the curve to slow down and not end up in the ditch or splattered across several tree trunks. The asshole who had just worked on my brakes slapped his forehead when I told him, saying he knew he had forgotten something....he had never done whatever is needed to be done to get the brake fluid pumping again. :doh:
> 
> PS I'm glad you're okay, too.


It's called bleeding the brakes, or taking the air out of them so that there's just fluid, meaning the brakes will actually work. That's amateurish stuff and there is never an excuse for forgetting to do that. 

You poor dears, I'm glad you're okay, Sammie and Joy.


----------



## fatlane (Jul 11, 2007)

Dear my next car,

I want jake brakes installed on you so I can scare the bejeezus out of the local gangbangers whenever I slow down

Hugs 'n' kisses,

Fatlane


----------



## Chimpi (Jul 11, 2007)

Dear P,

Whole-E-Shit...
You have so much self healing needed... So much abuse, verbal and physical, that you've turned on the one person that matters most - yourself. You're fat. That does NOT mean you're ugly. That does NOT mean you're worthless. That does NOT mean no one likes you or wants to be your friend.
You are also *SO* sweet that it kills me to think that you need so much self-healing! It's absurd to think that people, ESPECIALLY your friends, have been taking advantage of you for so long... It drives me BONKERS! You're driving me bonkers hearing you say that you're DUMB!
It is not dumb to confess your feelings to a friend in need. It is not dumb to think you should listen to him when he tells you to "shut up". You are a person, no less than he is. He is not the boss of you. He should NEVER hit you. He should NEVER abuse you. He should NEVER discriminate against you due to your weight...

*GOES INSANE*

With loving care,
A friend too-far-away


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jul 11, 2007)

Dear powers that be
CC: Netgear
CC: My house's electrical wiring/landlord

Damn you all! Damn you! I finally get an air conditioner, and now I realize that its barely useful as it overruns the electrical system in my house and shuts down the whole system. After 2x last night, I gave up, turned off the AC, and went back to a fan. Sorry that I live in a ghettoized turn of the century house, but apparently air conditioners just aren't gonna cut it.

And wireless router, I hate you most of all. I had another of your kind do this to me, get totally fried after a power outage. Everyone else is fine, except you. I've already refunded you once to the company because of this, and it's just not worth it to do it again. I'll have to buy a new model, and I shall not ever purchase another Netgear one, so THERE! I'm particularly pissed at you because I can't afford to replace you. So fuck off.

Ok, so no internet or air conditioning at home. FINE! I'll BE FINE!

Is doing FINE!,
Tiffany


----------



## Jes (Jul 11, 2007)

any chance your landlord will do the work needed so that you're not all on the same circuit? you're smart. you could probably complain (or threaten to complain) to someone, talking about heatwaves and a/c-incompatible housing, etc. 

or, you know, call the 6 o'clock news. They love that. 

When they show up, have on a housecoat, and real messy hair. And a 'little matchstick girl' look on your face.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jul 11, 2007)

Jes said:


> any chance your landlord will do the work needed so that you're not all on the same circuit? you're smart. you could probably complain (or threaten to complain) to someone, talking about heatwaves and a/c-incompatible housing, etc.
> 
> or, you know, call the 6 o'clock news. They love that.
> 
> When they show up, have on a housecoat, and real messy hair. And a 'little matchstick girl' look on your face.



Yeah, I can do those things. My first step is always indignation and self pity. I have to stew on that for a bit, get over it, and then ActivistFatGirl is going to be working out some solutions, particularly to the wiring issue. _Bitches_

If that doesn't work, I wonder if anyone will let me borrow a mumu for the tv crews?


----------



## Jes (Jul 11, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Yeah, I can do those things. My first step is always indignation and self pity. I have to stew on that for a bit, get over it, and then ActivistFatGirl is going to be working out some solutions, particularly to the wiring issue. _Bitches_
> 
> If that doesn't work, I wonder if anyone will let me borrow a mumu for the tv crews?


i understand. as i told liz, i'm a firm 'sit with those lemons for awhile' type of person. we're working from where the client is at, as it were. 

but still? totally do the housecoat and the bad hair.

HEY, in TOTALLY OTHER NEWS, I need SlackerFA to contact me. Too lazy!


----------



## supersoup (Jul 11, 2007)

to the crazy bitch at walmart hogging the picture printing thingy:

WHAT IS YER FRAGGING PROBLEM?!?! you absolutely had to go to walmart at 5 pm to make your little cards, didn't you?? almost two hours, i've been standing there for two hours!! i don't know about you, but if i have 34 pictures that i'm going to alter, add words/borders/clipart to, and layout into postcards, i'm damn sure going to be courteous enough to the rest of mankind and not go into the store and do them all at once! and yes, i counted...there were 34. perhaps you were up against some sort of due date or whatever, but fuck you for not being adult enough to plan things out. you are rude and inconsiderate. i wanted to print out family pictures for my gram to look at, as she isn't doing so well at the moment and we don't know how much longer we have her. so thanks you complete imbecile, for making me wait so long that i've now missed the last visiting hours for ICU. 12 pictures, that's all i wanted to print. 

eff you for making a bad day worse,
amanda


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 11, 2007)

Dear Sir 

Was it fair of you to post a picture of yourself on a singles dating site showing you all buffed up and looking splendid in a tuxedo - and then to arrive on our date in a nice restaurant in a tracksuit trousers, filthy training shoes and a shell suit jacket looking like you and your clothes all need a damn good wash? 

I wasn't expecting the whole black tie deal but for crying out loud, you could have had a shower. You obviously DO understand social niceties or you wouldn't have looked so good in the original picture - so what happened? Have you been sleeping on a park bench for the last month or was I just not worth the effort? 

I sat in the bar with you for over an hour. I was pleasant and I kept the conversation casual and steered firmly away from anything that could be construed as personal before making my excuses and leaving but I was only being polite and was more than tempted to immediately turn on my heel and walk out as soon as I saw you. 

Dont you call me. DONT YOU DARE! 

Tracey


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 12, 2007)

Apologies for the last post. I've eased back on the Princess attitude and normal service should now be resumed. Not that I'm going to see him again, but I shouldn't have been quite so precious and I apologise for inflicting it all on you.

Tracey xx


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 12, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Apologies for the last post. I've eased back on the Princess attitude and normal service should now be resumed. Not that I'm going to see him again, but I shouldn't have been quite so precious and I apologise for inflicting it all on you.
> 
> Tracey xx



Don't be. I got a good laugh out of it. 

Dear ____,

When you stand close, are endearing and polite, are VERY sexually attractive, witty, and have a melting touch, that turns me on and sexually frustrates me. Knock that off.

Regards,

C.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jul 12, 2007)

Don't apologize... first impressions are important. If you felt the guy was a dirtball, I believe it. I hope he gets a clue before he turns someone else off. 



C




BeaBea said:


> Apologies for the last post. I've eased back on the Princess attitude and normal service should now be resumed. Not that I'm going to see him again, but I shouldn't have been quite so precious and I apologise for inflicting it all on you.
> 
> Tracey xx


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 12, 2007)

Julia and Violet and Mini, 

Thank you. It means a lot to me that you let me in on how this letter made you feel. I've had a very bad week and a half and I've spent the last few days running on empty emotionally. I got a letter back from Will and, while it cleared some things up and was loving (as he almost always is), it didn't improve the situation, only made it far more complicated and a bit sad. But because I know you guys felt some of what I wrote, I can believe that Will did, too, and that gives me hope that he knows he's loved.

Rebecca



butch said:


> Dear Rebecca,
> 
> Aww, Rebecca, that was lovely. Truly honest and beautiful, as is everything you write. Words escape me, but I did want to let you know how much it moved me.
> 
> ...





Violet_Beauregard said:


> Wow. ((((Rebecca)))))
> 
> Amazingly heartfelt.
> 
> ...


----------



## Ash (Jul 12, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Dear ____,
> 
> When you stand close, are endearing and polite, are VERY sexually attractive, witty, and have a melting touch, that turns me on and sexually frustrates me. Knock that off.
> 
> ...



Dear Casey,

I am so flattered!

Sexy touches,
Ashley


----------



## ripley (Jul 12, 2007)

Dear ___,

You're not on the same continent as me. You're not handsome. You're not even a good guy. Get out of my head, please, and let me think about someone else for a change.

Thanks a bunch,

rip


----------



## stan_der_man (Jul 13, 2007)

Dear Facilities Management building maintenance people,
Please do something about the ventilation system in Hedco Hall. The negative air pressure in that building is really getting to be annoying. The hurricane force wind ripping through the door and window cracks is rather creepy sounding, especially at night. Entering that building is like rising 3000 feet in elevation within 5 seconds. Its as though there is a black hole in the middle of the building, or like being on a Klingon battle cruiser with leaky bulkheads. Also the doors slam with the intensity of a device intended to chop off small childrens arms. For my own personal amusement, when entering or leaving the building, I like to quickly step away and let the doors freely slam. If the glass on a door does break, Ill send in the usual repair requisition form, and make a copy, which Ill put it in my NMP (not my problem) file.

Sincerely,
Stan

Appleton Hall
Physics Dept.

P.S. Philanthropists be damned You might also consider changing the name Hedco It sounds like a bong shop.


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jul 13, 2007)

Dear Dim,

How are you? Just a friendly checkin' in. I still love this fat little utopia on the corner. Think of many of you often. Disappointed that I've not been able to hang out more. Except for a few exceptions, I don't think I've been on longer than 15-20 minutes in the last couple months.

Reading's going well. Plus, I am gone with my family to another out-of-state event next week. Then, camping in the U.P. Sorry I'm not going to make the NAAFA; its even in Chicago! Safe travels and great times for all those who are gonna go.

Be safe.
Peace,
Matt
bpp


----------



## mossystate (Jul 13, 2007)

Dear Sweat On The Back Of My Neck,

I cannot capture you on film, since my camera skills are not...mad..yo..so I can't make any money from you on some fetish site...so..give me a break and visit someone who has short hair and likes drippy things above the neck.

Thanks,

Muggy In Seattle


----------



## stan_der_man (Jul 13, 2007)

bigplaidpants said:


> Dear Dim,
> 
> How are you? Just a friendly checkin' in. I still love this fat little utopia on the corner. Think of many of you often. Disappointed that I've not been able to hang out more. Except for a few exceptions, I don't think I've been on longer than 15-20 minutes in the last couple months.
> 
> ...



Dear Matt,
Haven't forgotten you 'ol man... the place ain't the same withoutcha...

Sincerely,
Dims


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 14, 2007)

Dear Men,

Please do not look good on the outside if you're nasty on the inside. I seem incapable of resisting you so if you could just arrange to have all your character flaws showing on the outside it would help me make better decisions.

Thanks 
Tracey xx


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 14, 2007)

Dear Guys who are my 'type' (which is to say, intelligent and really damaged),

I'm going to fall for you--even if it's just a momentary swoon type thing. It's going to happen. Hormones and my own psyche have conspired against me to insure that I won't be able to resist the 'falling for you' bit. However, I'm just now smart enough to realize that the 'what I do about it' bit is still pretty much up to me. So, from now on, I'm just going to lust after/desire/crush on you from a safe distance.

Rebecca


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 18, 2007)

FINE?

Fuckedup
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

That kinda FINE?



activistfatgirl said:


> Dear powers that be
> CC: Netgear
> CC: My house's electrical wiring/landlord
> 
> ...


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 18, 2007)

Dear Joy Joy:

Please never warn me not to follow a post again. I've got ADHD, and that's like throwing a bucketful of new silver dollars up in the air and saying "Ooooo, shiny object!!!!!!!"

I now have more pictures for my "Things I Can Never Unsee" folder that I keep on my hard drive to remind me not to follow links like that. Unfortunately, the folder continues to thrive and my retinas continue to burn. In Hell. 

Leopard Print Thong, Waxwing......Leopard Print Thong.

Smooches,

Bob, who promises to get caught up someday and resume posting but probably never will and thus will just have like a three week hole in his life and a bunch of jokes that he won't understand. Not that he would have anyway. And now he goes to sleep so that he can get up early and go to work hours early, thus devaluing his salary even further. Why? Even he doesn't know.



JoyJoy said:


> You're telling me.
> 
> IC that curiosity got the better of me after soupy's post, and before long, I found this. (warning: not work appropriate) That image is erotic and disturbing at the same time, but what amazes me the most is that it was created in 1820.
> 
> ...


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 18, 2007)

Dear Dimensions,

Thank you for being here for me when I need a laugh, when I need a friend and when I'm just bored. I know you think I'm crazy at times - but that's me - take it or leave it. And at times you do both. LOL

But I love you guys!

Sandie Z


----------



## JoyJoy (Jul 18, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear Joy Joy:
> 
> Please never warn me not to follow a post again.


 No no, it was simply a warning not to view it at work if such things could get you in trouble. I'm like you...if someone posts it, I must see it eventually; putting the disclaimer there covered my own butt. 

I'm glad you enjoyed it, though. :bow:


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear U. S. Department of Energy Congressional Affairs:

I <3 you. Really. Can I come work for you? Because I think I's got the skilz to pay the bilz, so to speak. But mainly, because I would really, really enjoy writing the type of responses that you provided to one of our constituents whose letter we forwarded to you. It was delightfully snarky. 

While I somewhat object to the insulting tone insofar as it is directed to us and you indicate that we are wasting your time forwarding you this crap, we appropriate the money for your damn department so we can send you any damn thing we want. And if I don't want to answer some moron's dumbass letter and I send it to you for a response, suck it up and respond. And so you did. And I'm going to quote that response right here:

Dear [Member of Congress]:

Thank you for your [date], letter to the U. S. Department of Energy (DOE) on behalf for your constituent, [name], regarding his "Self Contained Electrical Powered Generators" invention.

The Department's Inventions and Innovations (I&I) website located at http://www.eere.energy.gov/inventions is a good source of information for the individual inventor or msall company developing energy-related technologies. In the I&I Information Resources section, [name] may download the publication "From Invention to Innovation," which identifies the many activities of the commericialization process. Also on the site, Energy TechNet includes a regional resource database which lists potentially helpful organizations in several categories, including financial, technical and business assistance. [name] may also contact the DOE Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy (EERE) information Center at (877) 337-3463 or http://www.eere.energy.gov/informationcenter.

A preliminary review of [name]'s concept indicates it is a version of a perpetual motion machine proven to be unworkable by fundamental laws of thermodynamics. So as [name] accesses more information on the inventions process, we encourage him to also do more basic study on energy principles.

We encourage the development of energy technologies which strengthen our national and energy security. If you have any question, please contact me or Mr. Scott Shiller, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Congressional and Intergovernmental Affairs, at (202) 586-5450.

Sincerely,

David E. Rogers
Deputy Assistant Secretary of Energy Efficiency
Office of Technology Development
Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy


----------



## Jane (Jul 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear U. S. Department of Energy Congressional Affairs:
> 
> I <3 you. Really. Can I come work for you? Because I think I's got the skilz to pay the bilz, so to speak. But mainly, because I would really, really enjoy writing the type of responses that you provided to one of our constituents whose letter we forwarded to you. It was delightfully snarky.
> 
> ...



Snarky, yet not overly insulting.

I have a list of Senators for whom you may work if you want to write really, really snarky letters, even to their constituents who are in the same party, and who have given them money. [[SMART]]


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> FINE?
> 
> Fuckedup
> Insecure
> ...



What?







pants.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

You've never heard FINE used as an acronym for that? Jeez, that's like the favorite joke of just about every shrink I know. It's the knock-knock joke for shrinks, I think.

Or I'm crazy. And so are the people I see/have seen to be less crazy. Which is possible, especially if I'm still crazy.






no pants.



Jes said:


> What?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

no, i haven't. but i think i'll wait 'til i'm an actual shrink to call someone fucked up, or neurotic.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

It's actually a joke.....or a method that pshrinks use to draw out people. You know, when someone comes up to you and says that everything is "fine" in that voice that means that they aren't really fine....and sigh or whatever.

So then the response is, oh, so you're fucked-up, insecure, neurotic and emotional? I think I'm doing a bad job of explaining this, but the bottom line is that......ah crap, I don't give a fuck what people think I'm doing or calling or whatever. If people think I'm insulting them, that's ok. If they think I'm telling a joke, that's ok. Whatever. I'm getting irrationally irritated all of the sudden, and I don't know why. I'm going to stop posting until I'm in a better mood.



Jes said:


> no, i haven't. but i think i'll wait 'til i'm an actual shrink to call someone fucked up, or neurotic.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jul 19, 2007)

I don't think Bob was insulting me. Cause he knows that if we was, I'd break his arm because I'm FINE! :bow:


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

oh, for christ sake.


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 19, 2007)

also:

pants


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear nasty, inhumane, usurous, vile, unbending, hostile, suspicious, bullying, monster of a corporate machine that feeds on human suffering and the broken dreams of good health for financial gain in the largest and also most heartbreaking individual ways, only, okay, sometimes, yer okay, but still, mostly you're horrible, but here I am:

If you don't approve my short-term disability claim, even after an apologetic letter from a surgeon (a rare oxymoron, that) makes it clear where the confusion lay, I will stage a Christo-like protest in which I wrap the entire insurance building in lymphedema bandages until you all get a heat rash. Trust me, you won't like it.

Actually, I am bad at revenge--don't partake--so I will just say this. I put seven years in a job that robbed me of my health, to put it at its most dramatic (still true), and I am trying to receive help for fixing ONE of the resultant problems. One. I know fairness is not a guiding principle in the insurance industry, but let a little fairness be the result of the gamble here. I pushed all the right buttons; let the right coin pop out of the machine. Just...let it. Justitia Omnibus. I'm going to guess the amount of money owed me is a pittance that you wouldn't notice missing from the change jar, anyhow.

Otherwise, yes, I might re-think a life-long policy about revenge and come KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS and sue you for emotional damages on top of it. And don't blame your employees for this. They did a great job of making me feel like a guilty cheat over nothing at all. Cut them some slack.

Yes, thank you, very much!

Yours sincerely,
The Chick With the Swollen Calf Who
Just Wants to Be, Be, Be!


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear Liz,

I am so unbelievably good at revenge (which we shall heretofore call 'justice') that you wouldn't believe it.

May I suggest you call someone over there every hour ont he hour. I'll call for you if you can't. We'll take care of business better than Elvis did.

best,
j.


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 19, 2007)

Jes said:


> Dear Liz,
> 
> I am so unbelievably good at revenge (which we shall heretofore call 'justice') that you wouldn't believe it.
> 
> ...



I'll call too--anywhere you want. I have one hell of a phone plan and a VERY convincing professional (also when I want, bitchy) phone voice.

Rebecca


----------



## Jane (Jul 19, 2007)

Jes said:


> Dear Liz,
> 
> I am so unbelievably good at revenge (which we shall heretofore call 'justice') that you wouldn't believe it.
> 
> ...



Pick one person. Each time say, "Are we there yet?"


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear Liz, 

I also enjoy using the telephone. Please give me a number where I can discuss your company's fascinating policies.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jul 19, 2007)

Y'all are making me giggle/feel better. That's just awful . 

(I fight about revenge a lot with a friend of mine. Her line [I can't top it] is that "Revenge is the lord's business...and SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT TO BE THE LORD.")

If ducats are not forthcoming (the letter was faxed this morning), I will be thrilled to harness the collective ruthless tenacity in the service of truth, justice and compression stockings and sic y'all on the stupid money-grubbing motherfuckers.

Thank you


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

I'm very, very bad at revenge -- at least, as far as anyone can prove in a court of law. 

*<and if you need some generic Congress of the U. S. letterhead, I'm your boy. But you didn't hear that here.>*

And I'm sorry that I flew off the handle at Jes. I'm angry at "fiscal conservatives" right now. A-holes. Nothing but a-holes.

Marsha Blackburn, Jeff Flake, Tom Cole, Virginia Fox, Patrick McHenry, Roy Blunt -- I'm talkin' 'bout YOU.


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

liz (di-va) said:


> Y'all are making me giggle/feel better. That's just awful .
> 
> (I fight about revenge a lot with a friend of mine. Her line [I can't top it] is that "Revenge is the lord's business...and SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT TO BE THE LORD.")
> 
> ...



*ringring* Oh, hi there, yes, I'm looking to speak with the stupid money-grubbing motherfucker. Is he in?


----------



## Jane (Jul 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I'm very, very bad at revenge -- at least, as far as anyone can prove in a court of law.
> 
> *<and if you need some generic Congress of the U. S. letterhead, I'm your boy. But you didn't hear that here.>*
> 
> ...



(Doing Happy Dance that they can piss someone else off as much as they do me.)


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> I'm very, very bad at revenge -- at least, as far as anyone can prove in a court of law.
> 
> *<and if you need some generic Congress of the U. S. letterhead, I'm your boy. But you didn't hear that here.>*
> 
> ...


I suggest you write me a letter, this being the letter-writing thread.


----------



## butch (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear Dims Clubhouse folks,

Please forgive me if I haven't responded to some of the things you've written in the past day or two. You all have my love, support, and commiseration as we all stumble through this weird, wonderful, and taxing world. If I haven't offered you a kind word, or an expression of gratitude and/or concern (or something else equally deserved and needed), please know that I'm thinking and feeling it, and hope for the very best for all of us. Thank you for sharing with us, and honoring us with your experiences, as it makes all of us better human beings to be part of this amazing ball of human connectivity.

And, thanks too for letting me bum-rush the clubhouse today-I'll give it back, cleaner than it was before and smelling of Febreeze.

XO,
Julia


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

huhuh. you said 'ball.'


----------



## Jane (Jul 19, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear Dims Clubhouse folks,
> 
> Please forgive me if I haven't responded to some of the things you've written in the past day or two. You all have my love, support, and commiseration as we all stumble through this weird, wonderful, and taxing world. If I haven't offered you a kind word, or an expression of gratitude and/or concern (or something else equally deserved and needed), please know that I'm thinking and feeling it, and hope for the very best for all of us. Thank you for sharing with us, and honoring us with your experiences, as it makes all of us better human beings to be part of this amazing ball of human connectivity.
> 
> ...



As long you can get rid of the male cat urine smell in my new house, I'll be happy.

And hop to it, please.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear Jes:

Don't push your luck.

:kiss2: Smooches:kiss2: ,

Bob 



Jes said:


> I suggest you write me a letter, this being the letter-writing thread.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear House Information Resources:

Next time you buy new servers in an attempt to bring the United States House of Representatives into the 21st century, I have several suggestions.

1) Don't go with the lowest bidder.
2) Don't put Microsoft in charge of the project.
3) Don't go to Crazy Ed's House of Bargain Basement E-mail Servers, where if you buy one server, you get one free. 
4) Don't wait 20 years between server upgrades again. Seriously. You're telling me you couldn't find the money for new e-mail servers? This is the GOVERNMENT. I work for YOU. I happen to know for a FACT that we have people who spend their time flushing money down the TOILET that we could have spent on this project.


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

dear bob

suck it.

j.


----------



## Jane (Jul 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear House Information Resources:
> 
> Next time you buy new servers in an attempt to bring the United States House of Representatives into the 21st century, I have several suggestions.
> 
> ...



When the state and federal jointly decided that it would be a good idea for every social worker to have a PC on their desk....they bought them and put them in a warehouse for THREE YEARS. Yep, by the time they got the programs written, the computers they had purchased wouldn't handle the programs. Upgrade time.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 19, 2007)

On the other hand, the idea of "multiyear" computer upgrade projects has left some agencies, like the IRS and FBI, computer crippled. Because the Executive and Legislative branches didn't understand how fast tech was moving, they funded computer upgrade programs over 10 years. Which meant that you bought everyone a computer over a 10 year period.

Think about how awful that decision is for a minute. Because you don't want to pay for it all up front, you chose to get each of the 10 people who work for you a new computer from 1990 to 1999. And in the middle of that time frame, you ask someone to make you software that you want to run on all those computers.

And that, kids, is one reason why gov't is a mess. And also why you don't want your gov't to cheap out and buy the least expensive stuff....because most of the time, that stuff can't be scaled up. Not that the expensive stuff can, but it is more likely that it can....sometimes.

Also, it has come to my attention that the Xerox Corporation sucks.

Bob

P. S.

Dear Jes:

Gladly. But I have to get permission first.

Bob



Jane said:


> When the state and federal jointly decided that it would be a good idea for every social worker to have a PC on their desk....they bought them and put them in a warehouse for THREE YEARS. Yep, by the time they got the programs written, the computers they had purchased wouldn't handle the programs. Upgrade time.


----------



## alienlanes (Jul 19, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> A preliminary review of [name]'s concept indicates it is a version of a perpetual motion machine proven to be unworkable by fundamental laws of thermodynamics. So as [name] accesses more information on the inventions process, we encourage him to also do more basic study on energy principles.



In _this_ House of Representatives, _we obey the laws of thermodynamics!_


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 19, 2007)

Liz - you want I should call my cousin Anthony? (cough) He could take care of your little miscarriage of justice very quickly and efficiently. (cough)

We Sicilians - we're good at revenge - we invented it.

fogedaboudit!


----------



## Jes (Jul 19, 2007)

Dear Sandie Z.

Please call out your cousin on me, South Philly-style, if I even THINK about eating one more piece of this goddamned chocolate cake. I was awake half of last night, tossing and turning, because of the sugar rush. You'd think 82 pieces would be enough, but I went back for more, today. *burp*

thanks,
FATTIE.

Dear someone I can't name,

I...don't know what's going on. Maybe that's ok. Maybe that's fine. But give me a little help.

thanks, 
M.C.


----------



## Donna (Jul 19, 2007)

Dearest People I Work With;

NO, me parking in the handicapped spot (because walking great lengths whilst using this cane is very difficult for me) is NOT the same as y'all parking in the spots marked "For Visitors Only" because you don't want to walk across the crowded parking lot in the sweltering heat.

Get the hell over yourselves, please and thank you.

With Warmest Regards;
The Fat Chick with the Really Hard Cane


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jul 19, 2007)

You mean Sout Phiily? (no h in there)

I'll see what I can do fer ya. But you would then be beholdin to my family - something you may want to reconsider. 





Jes said:


> Dear Sandie Z.
> 
> Please call out your cousin on me, South Philly-style, if I even THINK about eating one more piece of this goddamned chocolate cake. I was awake half of last night, tossing and turning, because of the sugar rush. You'd think 82 pieces would be enough, but I went back for more, today. *burp*
> 
> ...


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 20, 2007)

missaf said:


> Dear Dimensions
> 
> We have kidnapped Missaf!
> 
> ...



Those damn kids.


----------



## rainyday (Jul 20, 2007)

Dear Missa, Risible, Bio, Stan and who knows who else,

Camping sounds so damn fun. Have a s'more for me. I'll even take the one dropped in the dirt as long as I can kind of pick off the duff.

rainy


----------



## Jane (Jul 20, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Those damn kids.



Okay, I've got the Hershey bars...bring the graham crackers and marshmallows, and meet me at the edge of the camping area.

If we can't lure the cubbies out, we can at least have Hershey bars and marshmallows and stuff to make the trip worthwhile.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 20, 2007)

Wait, wait....let's not be hasty. If we've got all the ingrediants for a cookout with s'mores and hot dogs, do we really NEED Missaf? I mean, she's just another mouth to feed..... 

Besides, if we start cooking them ourselves, I guarantee they will come to US.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 20, 2007)

Wait, wait....let's not be hasty. If we've got all the ingrediants for a cookout with s'mores and hot dogs, do we really NEED Missaf? I mean, she's just another mouth to feed..... 

Besides, if we start cooking them ourselves, I guarantee they will come to US.

I'm just sayin'.....let's use our heads. At least, the ones on our necks (for those of us with options)


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 20, 2007)

Dear xxxxx,

I hate the fact that want you to drag me into the sordid pit that is your private life, but let me spell a few things out for you.

I didn't sleep with your boyfriend when you were going out together. I did before you got together, I did several months after your split, and you never know, I might again in the future - but during the course of your relationship I absolutely didn't. 

I know he's told you this endlessly and you don't believe him, but your vague requests via friends of friends to get ME to confirm it just wont work. If you think I'm going to share the facts and key dates of my sex life just to ease your paranoia then you're even crazier than I thought you were. Honestly, your relationship ended four months ago so why does it even matter any more?

Oh, and while we're about it the fact that we didn't was because I turned him down. I understand that it would be convenient to paint me as a boyfriend stealing predator but that really isnt the case. 

Tracey


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 20, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Wait, wait....let's not be hasty. If we've got all the ingrediants for a cookout with s'mores and hot dogs, do we really NEED Missaf?



Sorry, what is a 's'more' - because its going to have be DAMN good before I'll part with Missaf!

Tracey xx


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 20, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Sorry, what is a 's'more' - because its going to have be DAMN good before I'll part with Missaf!
> 
> Tracey xx



Take a graham cracker. Put half a chocolate bar on it. Roast a marshmallow over a campfire until it's kinda gooey. Put that on top of the chocolate. Put another graham cracker on top of it to make it like a sandwich of orgasmically good deliciousness.







Appearances are decieving- it's fun to make and fun to eat, and it tastes pretty damned yummy.:eat2: 

More info here, at Wikipedia.


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 20, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> a sandwich of orgasmically good deliciousness...



Ah. Happy Camping, Missaf


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 20, 2007)

Nice.......hope you have fun under the bus where Tracey just tossed you, Missaf.



BeaBea said:


> Ah. Happy Camping, Missaf


----------



## SoVerySoft (Jul 20, 2007)

rainyday said:


> Dear Missa, Risible, Bio, Stan and who knows who else,
> 
> Camping sounds so damn fun. Have a s'more for me. I'll even take the one dropped in the dirt as long as I can kind of pick off the duff.
> 
> rainy



I notice it was the camping FOOD that sounded fun. Not the "roughing it" stuff. 


Altho dirt on your s'more is roughing it.


----------



## love dubh (Jul 20, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Sorry, what is a 's'more' - because its going to have be DAMN good before I'll part with Missaf!
> 
> Tracey xx





The Sandlot said:


> *Ham Porter:* Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?
> *Smalls:* Some more of what?
> *Ham Porter:* No, do you wanna s'more?
> *Smalls:* I haven't had anything yet... so how can I have some more of nothing?
> *Ham Porter:* You're killing me, Smalls! Now pay attention: this is smores stuff. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then, you roast the mallow. When the mallows flaming, you stick it on the chocolate and cover it with the other end. Then, you stuff.



I had to. (tencharmin)


----------



## Carrie (Jul 20, 2007)

love dubh said:


> *Ham Porter*: You're killing me, Smalls!



Oh, that's delicious. On my other board my user title right now is "You're killing me, Smalls." Seriously! 

Great minds and all that.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 21, 2007)

Dear United States Postal Service/Lane Bryant:

Really, this is what I'm paying shipping and handling for? This? If you carried a DECENT SELECTION IN ANY OF YOUR STORES, then I could just go there and BUY IT AND MAIL IT MYSELF OR DRIVE IT OVER TO INDY. OR SEND IT PONY EXPRESS. 

I mean, really.....let's examine:


Date Time Description Location 
July 20 11:56 AM Delivered INDIANAPOLIS,IN 
July 19 12:05 PM USPS Entry EASTGATE, IN 
July 19 3:00 AM Sortation Center Departure INDIANAPOLIS, IN 
July 17 8:08 AM Sortation Center Arrival INDIANAPOLIS, IN 
July 17 2:44 AM Sortation Center Departure  GROVE CITY, OH 
July 13 10:30 PM Sortation Center Arrival GROVE CITY, OH 
July 12 10:00 PM Pickup INDIANAPOLIS, IN 

I tell ya.....I'm vexed, terribly vexed....


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 21, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> Dear United States Postal Service/Lane Bryant:
> 
> Really, this is what I'm paying shipping and handling for? This? If you carried a DECENT SELECTION IN ANY OF YOUR STORES, then I could just go there and BUY IT AND MAIL IT MYSELF OR DRIVE IT OVER TO INDY. OR SEND IT PONY EXPRESS.
> 
> ...



hahahahaha... oh my God, that's hysterical.


----------



## Waxwing (Jul 21, 2007)

Dear person who stole my Harry Potter,

I understand that you wanted it as well. But this is a nice neighborhood, and we trust that our mail won't be stolen from our porches. I went, young thief, to Porter Square Books, and although they were sympathetic there was nothing they could do for me.

So now you sit, I assume somewhere near to my house, reading the copy that my Mommy pre-ordered for me 4 months ago. 

I don't begrudge you the pleasure, but I do suspect that a small seed of guilt will begin to eat at you around page 400, and that by the end you will be consumed with regret.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 21, 2007)

Maybe they'll bring it back? <hopeful?>

And then......uncoil your fists of fury, your elbows of elimination, your.....your.....knees of knee-ing......your cane of caning....

Yeah, I'm kinda running a quart low right now. I think I need a nap. Or more synthroid. But I don't get that until next month.  



Waxwing said:


> Dear person who stole my Harry Potter,
> 
> I understand that you wanted it as well. But this is a nice neighborhood, and we trust that our mail won't be stolen from our porches. I went, young thief, to Porter Square Books, and although they were sympathetic there was nothing they could do for me.
> 
> ...


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 24, 2007)

It'll be on page 444.

444 is my favorite number so I was paying attention to what happened then. That page has a BIG regrettable incident on it, so maybe it'll make your thief regret his/her actions.

This is another reason I sat on my patio from 8 am until the book was delivered. I'm thankful I was able to do so.

I hope you get it back, Waxy.



Waxwing said:


> Dear person who stole my Harry Potter,
> 
> I understand that you wanted it as well. But this is a nice neighborhood, and we trust that our mail won't be stolen from our porches. I went, young thief, to Porter Square Books, and although they were sympathetic there was nothing they could do for me.
> 
> ...


----------



## Carrie (Jul 24, 2007)

Dear Cake, 

Please accept my sincere apology for blocking you from Casey's mouth. It was an immature, controlling and selfish action on my part, and I apologize. 

I also apologize for licking all of the frosting from you, so Casey is now left with nothing but frostingless, soggy cake. 

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter. 


Sincerely, 
~Me.


----------



## butch (Jul 24, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Dear Cake,
> 
> Please accept my sincere apology for blocking you from Casey's mouth. It was an immature, controlling and selfish action on my part, and I apologize.
> 
> ...



Didn't you also leave that cake out in the rain in some park? How very very thoughtless of you


----------



## Tina (Jul 24, 2007)

Dear rude, clueless woman upstairs,

When you allow your child to start jumping and running at 7am, I can hear it, particularly when it's done right over where I sleep. I can even hear it right through my white noise machine that is at full volume. Do you know how tempting it is to blast some Paul Oakenfold at full volume right under _your_ bedroom at midnight or 1am? I know you are to bed early because you wake up early, because you have a child. But I do not have a child and I do not rise early. Please be aware that not everyone keeps your hours. Today, I am too tired to do the many, many things I needed to do, including working out, which helps me to feel better.

I understand that kids are kids, but have some fucking manners and common sense, will you, and try teaching your child that they are not the only people on the earth who matter.

Your pissed off, exhausted downstairs neighbor.


----------



## Carrie (Jul 24, 2007)

butch said:


> Didn't you also leave that cake out in the rain in some park? How very very thoughtless of you


TATTLE-TAIL.


----------



## butch (Jul 24, 2007)

Carrie said:


> TATTLE-TAIL.



I snorted while laughing about this, Carrie, so maybe I do have a cute little curly tattle-TAIL? Was that a freudian slip on your part-I'll have you know not just anyone can call me animal names and get away with it, but for you, I'll make an exception.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 24, 2007)

Carrie said:


> Dear Cake,
> 
> Please accept my sincere apology for blocking you from Casey's mouth. It was an immature, controlling and selfish action on my part, and I apologize.
> 
> ...



THANK YOU! That is all I wanted. *Sob.*


----------



## elle camino (Jul 24, 2007)

Tina said:


> Dear rude, clueless woman upstairs,
> [...]
> 
> Your pissed off, exhausted downstairs neighbor.


oh MAN do i hear you on this. 
last month i got a new upstairs neighbor, and after about 2 weeks i had to go up there, knock on his door, and explain to him that HIS FLOOR IS MY CEILING. 
he really did seem genuinely surprised to learn that.


----------



## Carrie (Jul 24, 2007)

butch said:


> I snorted while laughing about this, Carrie, so maybe I do have a cute little curly tattle-TAIL? Was that a freudian slip on your part-I'll have you know not just anyone can call me animal names and get away with it, but for you, I'll make an exception.


Laughing here.  

I just came in from walking out to the backyard to freshen the goats' water and thinking to myself, "Tattle-_tale_? Tattle-_tail_? I don't know....".


----------



## Carrie (Jul 24, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> THANK YOU! That is all I wanted. *Sob.*


Maybe if I'm very, very nice to elle, she'll make you some cupcakes to make up for my transgression. One can only hope.


----------



## Tina (Jul 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> oh MAN do i hear you on this.
> last month i got a new upstairs neighbor, and after about 2 weeks i had to go up there, knock on his door, and explain to him that HIS FLOOR IS MY CEILING.
> he really did seem genuinely surprised to learn that.


Oh, for crying out loud. How do such people make it to adulthood without being listed in the Darwin Awards as their last hurrah?! 

And I would lovelovelove some of elle's cupcakes! They are the prettiest and I'll bet the tastiest, too.


----------



## elle camino (Jul 24, 2007)

flattery will get you everywhere, ladies. 
specifically? cupcaketown, pop: you. 
i'll start cramming them into my cable port asap.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jul 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> cupcaketown, pop: you.
> i'll start cramming them into my cable port asap.




And that would NOT be the stupidest thing I've seen this week. That borders on most clever.


----------



## elle camino (Jul 24, 2007)

guys i am quickly learning that this is a really crummy way to give people baked goods!
GET IT?
































_crummy_!


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jul 24, 2007)

Did somebody say something after "cake"?


----------



## Tina (Jul 24, 2007)

Elle, that was really bad.


----------



## Blackjack (Jul 24, 2007)

elle camino said:


> guys i am quickly learning that this is a really crummy way to give people baked goods!
> GET IT?
> 
> 
> ...



WHY did I start laughing even _harder _after seeing this?


----------



## Fuzzy (Jul 24, 2007)

I like to buy packages of those big chunk chocolate chip cookies.. and then I'll sandwich a nicely toasted campfire marshmellow inbetween two and consume!

None of this haphazzard smore makin' stuff.

( the original idea was to use those shortbread fudge stripe cookies... but all we had were chocolate coconut chunk cookies... )


----------



## butch (Jul 26, 2007)

Dear Counselor/Clergy/Wise Sages of Dims,

I'm sad. People are leaving the boards. Just when I get into a groove of "happy happy joy joy" with this place, people get hurt, get angry, and leave. I know, it's part of the internet, and it happens all the time, but it is making me very sad right now. I wish I knew what to do to make this not happen, or at least to know what to do to make sure they know they can come back when they're able, because we miss them. And this goes for the people who have been open about leaving as well as the ones who have disappeared without a peep.

So, just sad, and a little lonely, missing the times when it felt like everyone was jazzed and happy with the interactions here on the boards. And sad for all the people still here, struggling with the crap that life throws at us. I wish I could share some of my relative happiness with those who don't have their fair share right now.

And, because it's just how I am, I'm going to add some song lyrics that have always been very meaningful and inspiring to me.

"Jubilee"
(Mary Chapin Carpenter)

I can tell by the way you're walking
That you don't want company
I'll let you alone and I'll let you walk on
And in your own good time you'll be

Back where the sun can find you
Under the wise wishing tree
And with all of them made we'll lie under the shade
And call it a jubilee

And I can tell by the way you're talking
That the past isn't letting you go
But there's only so long you can take it all on
And then the wrong's gotta be on its own

And when you're ready to leave it behind you
You'll look back, and all that you'll see
Is the wreckage and rust that you left in the dust
On your way to the jubilee

And I can tell by the way you're listening
That you're still expecting to hear
Your name being called like a summons to all
Who have failed to account for their doubts and their fears

They can't add up to much without you
And so if it were just up to me
I'd take hold of your hand, saying come hear the band
Play your song at the jubilee

And I can tell by the way you're searching
For something you can't even name
That you haven't been able to come to the table
Simply glad that you came

And when you feel like this try to imagine
That we're all like frail boats on the sea
Just scanning the night for that great guiding light
Announcing the jubilee

And I can tell by the way you're standing
With your eyes filling with tears
That it's habit alone keeps you turning for home
Even though your home is right here

Where the people who love you are gathered
Under the wise wishing tree
May we all be considered then straight on delivered
Down to the jubilee

'Cause the people who love you are waiting
And they'll wait just as long as need be
When we look back and say those were halcyon days
We're talking 'bout jubilee

XO,
Julia


----------



## AnnMarie (Jul 26, 2007)

Dear Julia, 

Don't be so sad. The board has ebbs and flows, and this too will pass. Trust me. I've been around for about 10 years, and I wouldn't still be here if these things felt "final". 

Sure, some people leave forever, but more often than not it's about getting some distance to gain perspective. I think we can all need it at times, and it's good that people are able to come and go. 

Also, don't think that not posting means not present... often that's not the case. 

Don't despair, and chins up. 

AnnMarie
/old-timer


----------



## butch (Jul 26, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Dear Julia,
> 
> Don't be so sad. The board has ebbs and flows, and this too will pass. Trust me. I've been around for about 10 years, and I wouldn't still be here if these things felt "final".
> 
> ...



Thanks, AnnMarie. I enjoyed the 'chins up,' it made me laugh, too true.


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 26, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear Counselor/Clergy/Wise Sages of Dims,
> 
> I'm sad. People are leaving the boards.



For what its worth I stopped posting in November last year through pressure of work. I never meant to, it just sort of happened but it took me till April/May to find my way back. The cool thing was that I was welcomed back with open arms, and all the people I'm certain I had previously irritated no end were lovely to me all over again 

The thing is though, Dim is just THE place to be - and although there are occasional squabbles the overwhelming mood is always good humour and common sense. In my experience that makes it pretty rare - especially considering the huge mix of people who come here and the very personal nature of what we share. 

Give them time, they'll see the light and come back too.

Tracey xx


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jul 27, 2007)

Dear People That Write Checks,
Please know that when you write a check, it is a business transaction. Please don't use hi-liter yellow, florescent orange, pink ink, crayolas, pencils when writing a check. The proper writing instrument should be an ink pen and preferably the ink color should be black or dark blue. Also, please learn to spell and use legible handwriting. It is probably a little known fact, but the handwritten amount is the legal amount, and that is the amount taken, regardless of the numerical written amount. Also, if your handwriting is not legible, please allow the cashier to use her machine to print the amount out for you - then all you have to do is sign! 

Just a few tips from your weary bank items processing specialist.

Thank you!

Sincerely,
Ella


----------



## bigplaidpants (Jul 27, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear Counselor/Clergy/Wise Sages of Dims,
> 
> I'm sad. People are leaving the boards. .....
> 
> ...




((((((((Julia))))))))

I thank God for hearts like yours. God forbid we care so little about community, that we no longer feel its loss and empathize with others. 

And, I think AM's response is helpful and appropriate, too. Emotions are complicated. People often react in ways we don't understand, yet the only way they know how....

....kinda like I'm doing here.  

I have alot of affection for Dim, and one of the reasons is for posts like this.

thx


----------



## Chimpi (Jul 28, 2007)

Dear Matt,

I could not have said that better myself. 
Kudos to butch for offering her heartfelt sorrow over these issues.

Just me


----------



## Michelle (Jul 28, 2007)

Cut it out, Bob.


----------



## Ample Pie (Jul 28, 2007)

Dear Rebecca,

There are so many things you want to do, especially given that you are on vacation from now until August 13th. You really need to finish that short story--both if you can muster the drive. You really need to sort out that giant pile of laundry into manageable piles and go wash it. You really need to beat A. into finishing his letter and sending it. You really want to write a perverted survey and try to get it passed all around myspace. You really want to re-read the entire Harry Potter series and all the books you checked out of the library. So, get your ass up and get going.

Love,

Rebecca


----------



## out.of.habit (Jul 28, 2007)

Butch, I'm totally with you. No matter what goes on here, though, I can't help but feel enormous gratitude toward Dims, as well as optimism and hope that it'll all get back to our relative normal soon enough. It has gotten pretty crazy lately, but even the people who have taken a break love this place so much that they're retreating a bit because they can't bear to see it crumble. It won't. We're still here, and we'll see to it that it gets stronger than ever. Our community is rare and important, and no matter how we all ended up here, we're in it together now.

They won't forget. It's too rewarding to give up. 

(((((Julia)))))


----------



## butch (Jul 28, 2007)

TCUBOB said:


> That's awful/that's terrible/I'm so sorry/I hope that things get better/You're in my prayers.



Dear Bob.

I'm not sure if you're trying to be mean to me, or if you're just trying to be funny. Either way, since I've never done anything to you, it seems odd to me that you would interact with me in this way, either as a joke or to be hurtful. Just wanted to let you know that I'm ignoring this from here on out, and hope it will be the last time you inadvertently (or intentionally, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here) hurt my feelings. I prefer not to have to respond in such a manner to something I've read here on the boards (and add to the drama and ill will), but when it appears to be directed just at me, I have no choice, and am sad that you've decided it was your job to drag me down to that level.

Butch


----------



## butch (Jul 28, 2007)

out.of.habit said:


> Butch, I'm totally with you. No matter what goes on here, though, I can't help but feel enormous gratitude toward Dims, as well as optimism and hope that it'll all get back to our relative normal soon enough. It has gotten pretty crazy lately, but even the people who have taken a break love this place so much that they're retreating a bit because they can't bear to see it crumble. It won't. We're still here, and we'll see to it that it gets stronger than ever. Our community is rare and important, and no matter how we all ended up here, we're in it together now.
> 
> They won't forget. It's too rewarding to give up.
> 
> (((((Julia)))))



Thank you. The hugs and kind words are very much appreciated, Betsy. Hope all is well with you.


----------



## mossystate (Jul 28, 2007)

Dear 'Rain' ( not to be confused with a certain Oregonian )


Sometimes you wake things.

Sometimes you wash things away.

Sometimes you help new things sprout.

I don't fear you, or lament the changes.


a fan,


Monique


----------



## JoyJoy (Jul 28, 2007)

Dear soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law, 

I don't know what has transpired between you and my brother. It's none of my business. I don't even know whose choice it was to end the marriage. I don't need to.

What I do know, though, is that you're trying to keep my brother from the four children you've had together. I've spent enough time around him and your children to know that he is a wonderful, loving, nurturing and kind father, and that the children all love, admire, and respect him...it's obvious in the way they look at and talk to each other. I'm not sure what makes you feel justified in trying to keep him from them. If it's spite or another personal motive that has nothing to do with his suitability as a father, then I hope you take a step back and give it more thought, because I can guarantee that some day, when those kids ask you "why?", you'll wish you had. You're starting something that has the potential of causing a lot of pain and damage to your children for years to come...so I implore you to be fair to all involved. 


signed, 

a heartsick aunt


----------



## Jane (Jul 29, 2007)

To all my male firends, (not from Dims, cause you don't live here),

You know how you said you'd be here to help when it was time to get my house ready? Remember how I told you what weekend it would be?

Well, Murphy (femaile friend) and I have had a great weekend of painting, getting two rooms primed already, but your absence is conspicuous, as is the fact my phone hasn't rung all weekend, and that evidently all you of are having computer problems.

Hope you all get to feeling better, because I'm sure it's a mass plague that is keeping you away.

Hugs and kisses,

Jane


----------



## Blackjack (Aug 8, 2007)

Dear _________







If you don't get my point, try PULLING YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.

Sincerely, 
Blackjack


----------



## Ample Pie (Aug 8, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Dear _________
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*snort*

I <3 you, Kevin.


----------



## alienlanes (Aug 10, 2007)

Dear newfound crush,

All I know about you is what I've seen on your Craigslist profile, but from what you say about yourself, you were made for me. You have everything I'm looking for, and you look great in the photographs you posted. I hadn't planned to be in your city for another week, but I'm so worried that someone else will snap you up that I'm contemplating making an early visit just for you.

You seem so amazing that I worry you're too good to be true. 

Will you break my heart like all the others?

Or are you really the apartment of my dreams?





[innuendo about "hardwood floors" goes here]


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 11, 2007)

Dear over-anxious brain and heart....

Chill already.... chill.

 


~CJS


----------



## BeaBea (Aug 12, 2007)

Dear Shoes on Ebay,

You are so utterly adorable, and you sold out in the shop too fast for me to waddle down and snatch you up. I promise I have nice feet and painted toes and that I'll look after you! 

Please say you'll be mine!

Tracey xx


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Aug 13, 2007)

Dear brain,
Stop acting confused. You know what your doing!

Sasha


----------



## alienlanes (Aug 13, 2007)

SlackerFA said:


> Dear newfound crush,
> 
> All I know about you is what I've seen on your Craigslist profile, but from what you say about yourself, you were made for me. You have everything I'm looking for, and you look great in the photographs you posted. I hadn't planned to be in your city for another week, but I'm so worried that someone else will snap you up that I'm contemplating making an early visit just for you.
> 
> ...



Sigh. Someone else got to it before I did .

Probably for the best, 'cause it was pushing the upper limit of how much I can afford to pay, but it really did seem too good to be true.


----------



## supersoup (Aug 15, 2007)

dear beloved thread,

don't be mad, but i've cloned you in the lounge. i'm sorry, but it had to be said publicly my pet!! just to help me clear my head you know?

love and kisses,
amanda ciara soup


----------



## Famouslastwords (Aug 15, 2007)

Dear Ex bf,

I wish you had loved me enough to move to Cali.

Sadface,

Rach


----------



## liz (di-va) (Aug 16, 2007)

Dear Yooniverse:

It would be good if you could help make this happen. Gawd. Well, if it's supposed to. For however long. I sure could use yer help.

Thanks, please, humble offerings, 
Liz

p.s. oh pliz oh pliz. Golly. I will do my best!!


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 17, 2007)

For some reason, this made me want to do what we did as teenagers to fortune cookies:

Dear Yooniverse:

It would be good if you could help make this happen in bed. Gawd. Well, if it's supposed to  - in bed. For however long he can keep it up. I sure could use yer help in bed.

Thanks, please, humble offerings in bed,
Liz

p.s. oh pliz oh pliz. Golly. I will do my best in bed!!


----------



## supersoup (Aug 17, 2007)

wait...you have to stop that when you are no longer a teenager?

wheeee.


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 17, 2007)

Yeah, apparently I didn't get the memo about that either. Must have been missing the TPS report cover sheet. 

So I'll be enjoying my fortune and lucky numbers -- in bed.


----------



## SummerG (Aug 18, 2007)

Dear ML, 

I'm a little jaded about people keeping their word or being honest with their intentions. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, because the idea of dating someone who is crazy smart, funny, goofy, nerdy, handsome, well dressed, with similar values and ideals, romantic and in the same freakin state has me all a twitter. Please understand though that I can only be understanding about scheduling mishaps so many times even though i know your schedule is sporadic. It's 3 strikes and you are out. I can't spend my time and emotion on someone who doesn't do the same for me. Please don't be that guy. 

Hopeful yet cautious, 
Summer


----------



## liz (di-va) (Aug 18, 2007)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> For some reason, this made me want to do what we did as teenagers to fortune cookies:
> 
> Dear Yooniverse:
> It would be good if you could help make this happen in bed. Gawd. Well, if it's supposed to  - in bed. For however long he can keep it up. I sure could use yer help in bed.
> ...



BWAH!  heheheheh. It's funny 'cause it's true


----------



## mossystate (Aug 18, 2007)

*L*...now I will be seeing that in every conversation I read or hear.....hehehehehehehe


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 18, 2007)

Dear "the Man":

Ok, I work for you. I've heard/seen all the flyers/notices/requirements that I have to receive my paychecks, reimbursements, etc. via EFT/Direct Deposit. I've been doing that for 10 years now, ever since I started working for you.

So why, in the name of ALL that makes ABSOLUTELY NO sense, did you send me, VIA THE USPS, a check for EIGHTY FUCKING CENTS!??!?!?!? At worst, you spent half the amount of the check SENDING ME THE CHECK. At best, you spent a fourth of the amount of the check SENDING ME THE CHECK. ARE YOU FUCKING SOFT IN THE HEAD, PAYROLL DEPARTMENT FOR THE U. S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES?!??!?!?!

Answer: Yes....yes, you are (it's nice when you can answer your own questions because you're intimately familiar with the mouth-breathing morons who work in the department in question).

Smooches,

Bob


----------



## Mini (Aug 19, 2007)

Dear Evil Mini,

Fuck you for making it hard for me to post my REAL opinions.

Sincerely,

Nice Mini, who *really* wants to give the Paranoiacs a talkin' to


----------



## Ample Pie (Aug 19, 2007)

Dear date last night,

You told me you were an asshole from the beginning. It didn't bother me then and it doesn't bother me now. I don't like you. I don't dislike you. There are parts of you that I like and parts I don't like. We are people; this will happen. Just the same, I really *really* have to thank you for teaching me a thing or two about my own head/heart. Thank you. That you managed to do it in the space of a single date is both really cool and kind of sad. 

Rebecca


----------



## BeaBea (Aug 25, 2007)

Dear Shoulder,

Would you just hurry up and get better please? Leaving me, your loving owner, with the inability to type, use the mouse, clean my teeth, brush my hair and a million and one other every day tasks in a reliable and pain free way is -REALLY- starting to wear thin. 

It's not amusing to be be the owner of an arm and hand which randomly lock up, lose motor skills, shake and generally fail to perform and whats worse, I'm running out of cups for you to drop. 

Can we get it together please?

Tracey xx


----------



## SamanthaNY (Aug 25, 2007)

Bea - it sounds like that shoulder problem has been going on for too long at that severity. Does it feel like it's getting _any _better? Have you seen a doc?


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 25, 2007)

If you have seen a doc, Bea, do they at least have a clue? Is it a neuro problem? A muscle problem? Because like Sam said, it seems to have been going on for a while and not getting better.

Not that I'm a one to lecture on people going to the doctor.....


----------



## BeaBea (Aug 25, 2007)

Aww, you lovely folks. Sorry to whinge, its just a trapped nerve and should get better in time. It just randomly kicks in though and causes me to drop cups. It also isn't doing much for my sex life but thats probably TMI 

In other news, I hit the big 4-0 tomorrow and life apparently begins! Bring it on 

Tracey xx


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 25, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Aww, you lovely folks. Sorry to whinge, its just a trapped nerve and should get better in time. It just randomly kicks in though and causes me to drop cups. It also isn't doing much for my sex life but thats probably TMI
> 
> In other news, I hit the big 4-0 tomorrow and life apparently begins! Bring it on
> 
> Tracey xx



Ooooh! Excitement! (Birthday, and life beginning, not the trapped nerve.)

and for the record? We're all about the TMI here in the clubhouse.
Seen the poop thread?


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 25, 2007)

Dear Dominion Power:

Let's be blunt: You fucking suck. You suck harder than a $5 crack whore trying to double her money with a good tip. You've set new standards for ridiculous incompetence. Every time we have a thunderstorm that shows up on the radar with just the slightest tinge of yellow, my apt. complex loses power. And while the power is immediately restored across the FUCKING STREET FROM ME, since I can see the red light that is 20 feet from my window blinking, and the street lamp that's ON THIS SIDE OF THE STREET and 15 feet from my window come on, you estimate that it will take four hours to restore my power. And this is about the 7th or 8th time THIS YEAR.
I've lost power more frequently than Paris Hilton gets tested for STDs.

Now, since I'm posting this, you've obviously done a heroic restoration job, and I appreciate that. But maybe, just maybe, you could FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHY THE POWER OVER HERE FUCKING GOES OUT IN EVERY HARD RAIN!!!!

Now, in a similar vein:

Dear (Name Withheld) Apartments:

Do you think it would be too much to ask to get a FUCKING AC UNIT FOR THIS COMPLEX THAT DIDN'T FUCKING BLOW UP EVERY TIME THE POWER GOES OUT?!?!?!? SINCE IT GOES OUT PRETTY FUCKING ALL THE TIME?!??!!?!? And while you're at it, perhaps you can explain why my bedroom and bathroom have power, but both of the roommates, the den and the kitchen DON'T HAVE ANY POWER. Yes, I've tried the fuse box. And yes, I've left a message on the oh-so-helpful 24 hour recorder. But seeing as you won't fix my sink which has been leaking for 18 months, you won't repaint the water damage from when the bathtub upstairs in another unit sprang a leak and you won't replace a toilet that requires a healthy dollop of Dran-O to flush down a single sheet of toilet paper, I'm guessing that I'd better start eating and drinking or I'll have nothing but warm beer, bad cheese, and thawed chicken breasts. I know, I know, due to certain loopholes in Alexandria city law, we get this place for about $1500-2000 under market value, but that doesn't mean that you get to ignore every problem with it. SO FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. At least I was able to jury rig the cable modem, because if I didn't have the Internets, there'd be "NoVA Man Goes on Killing Spree" on CNN in about a half hour....because it's fucking HARD to read by glow stick and it's too FUCKING early to go to sleep. 

<This concludes the "angry Bob" portion of the evening....>


----------



## SamanthaNY (Aug 26, 2007)

BeaBea said:


> Aww, you lovely folks. Sorry to whinge, its just a trapped nerve and should get better in time. It just randomly kicks in though and causes me to drop cups. It also isn't doing much for my sex life but thats probably TMI
> 
> In other news, I hit the big 4-0 tomorrow and life apparently begins! Bring it on
> 
> Tracey xx



So... that's today? 

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! *


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 26, 2007)

This is the best line I've heard in a LOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGG time.... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL




TCUBOB said:


> Dear Dominion Power:
> .......*You suck harder than a $5 crack whore trying to double her money with a good tip*.....


----------



## Jane (Aug 26, 2007)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> This is the best line I've heard in a LOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGG time.... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL



Hopefully not as a pick-up line, 'cause when he used that line on me, it didn't work.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 26, 2007)

LOLOL.... too bad Jane, cause it really was a good one! LOLOL




Jane said:


> Hopefully not as a pick-up line, 'cause when he used that line on me, it didn't work.


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 26, 2007)

Yeah, and it worked so well over in Southeast....I was disappointed when it failed to sway Jane.....


*<Don't tell her, but it worked on Kristin as well. I have a feeling that might get me in trouble.... >*


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 26, 2007)

*whispering* No problem Bob, it's our secret....   




TCUBOB said:


> Yeah, and it worked so well over in Southeast....I was disappointed when it failed to sway Jane.....
> 
> 
> *<Don't tell her, but it worked on Kristin as well. I have a feeling that might get me in trouble.... >*


----------



## Ash (Aug 27, 2007)

Dear Apartment gods,

Please do find me a cute, (relatively) affordable place in a good neighborhood in the MD/DC area. MUST have a kitchen. Throw a fat girl a bone here. Bonus points if it has a washer and dryer. 

Signed,
DesperatelyTryingToAvoidARoommateSituation


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 28, 2007)

I hate to rain on your parade, Ash, but you're unlikely to find all of those things in one affordable package. Well, if you work for Congress you're unlikely to find it -- I've heard that academia pays more....

Seriously, you're probably going to have to go roommate shopping. Or live in a small place. But you also might have the Lords of Housing smile on your endeavor, so in other words.....ignore me.

If you want to BUY a place, I have this great real estate agent.....we're so close, she's practically family. Well, that, and she's my first cousin once removed. So in that sense she IS family. Sadly, she doesn't do rentals, though.


----------



## Tad (Aug 29, 2007)

Ashley said:


> Dear Apartment gods,
> 
> Please do find me a cute, (relatively) affordable place in a good neighborhood in the MD/DC area. MUST have a kitchen. Throw a fat girl a bone here. Bonus points if it has a washer and dryer.





TCUBOB said:


> I hate to rain on your parade, Ash, but you're unlikely to find all of those things in one affordable package. Well, if you work for Congress you're unlikely to find it -- I've heard that academia pays more....
> 
> Seriously, you're probably going to have to go roommate shopping. Or live in a small place. But you also might have the Lords of Housing smile on your endeavor, so in other words.....ignore me.



I just wanted to say, if you can handle small, some of the coolest, cutest, apartments suddenly come available. Years ago in Montreal I paid about $25 more a month for part of the upstairs of a house, with a tiny bedroom, tiny living room, miniscule bathroom, but awesome kitchen, in a much more convenient location than the large, bland, apartment I'd first been in. And a friend of my wife's is in this super cool but quite small apartment downtown (downtown=good in Ottawa), for way less money than she would have paid pretty much anywhere else in the city without having a roomate--thing is she sleeps in a mezzanine like loft area over the little kitchen. But she has the space she needs, in a great location, and the place is cool and has character (it is basically the front parlour of a big old rambling house, turned into an apartment, so it has this fancy parquet flooring, gorgeous crown moldings, etc).

So if you look at somewhat unconventional, and small, apartments sometimes you can come up with a gem. Good luck!

-Ed


----------



## bigplaidpants (Aug 29, 2007)

Dear mother/care-giver/whatever of pathetic little boy at the park with us this afternoon,

Please forgive me for forgoing all my liberal-minded self-conscious white male middle-class Christian training to be a nice guy, unmoved, self-respecting, and concerned for your feelings.

You need to take that fu*king little boy and sit his ass down on one of this park’s lovely benches until he

realizes you are the one in control
learns to talk to other little kids with some recognized level of respect
gets instruction from you on how to behave like a bright little boy in a public playground with other kids
He doesn’t run this damn sandbox, and I am embarrassed at the extent he seems to run you. He doesn’t need to talk to that cute little girl in the sunglasses, half his age and size, like she’s a threat to his personal plans for this little dessert paradise. It’s a fu*king sandbox. Do us, and him a favor. Grab his arm, gently cover his mouth with your hand from behind, and whisk him away to the nearest seat next to you for a little relaxation and “shut the fu*k up” time. Be a parent....with love and boundaries.

If this isn't clear, let me explain further:

Hovering over him at an arm’s distance like he’s an untrained beagle in a room full of kittens, looks ridiculous. Not to mention, its ineffectiveness is overwhelming. Situations like this give me such emotional pause, I sit and reconsider my whole approach to parenting. 

Start here. Get off the damn phone and parent him like he’s a gifted young man with a future. He needs your help. So far, I’ve watched you ask him to stop throwing the sand, the ball, and the sandbox toys &#8211; all of which he’s ignored. I’m sure Delilah can hear from you later…..

Kudos for getting off the phone when “Dallas” (now, I have overheard you call his name) kicked that nice rubber ball into that little boy’s face. Classy.

If your little boy ends up acting like his current self at the expense of one of my girls also enjoying the playground today, I will authorize them to address it to him. If this becomes a problem, I will help/intervene. We’re nice folk, and we expect others to be.

Get with the fu*king program,

bigplaidpants
Stay-at-home dad with his girls at the park


----------



## Jane (Aug 29, 2007)

bigplaidpants said:


> Dear mother/care-giver/whatever of pathetic little boy at the park with us this afternoon,
> 
> Please forgive me for forgoing all my liberal-minded self-conscious white male middle-class Christian training to be a nice guy, unmoved, self-respecting, and concerned for your feelings.
> 
> ...



cc: The two women in Target this week, with this addition:

1) Should you be lazy enough to CALL your daughter on the cell phone to tell her you are outside after you dropped her off at Target, STILL she does not need to talk to you as she did and you tolerate it. I am the rest of society. You don't want me teaching her the lesson when she is older. Really, you don't. You will be upset.

2) The lady who let her child debate for FIFTEEN minutes over which of two toys he was going to buy (outloud mind you)...he will never be able to make a decision. Get used to it.


----------



## CrankySpice (Aug 29, 2007)

Dear Panera Bread Sandwich Maker,

What in heaven's name made you think anyone on God's green earth would want 1/2 inch thick slices of onion on their sandwich? I really do like onions, but I cannot fathom the thought process that concluded that was an acceptable amount of onion.

Otherwise, it was a lovely sandwich.

Thank you,
Peyton


----------



## Tad (Aug 30, 2007)

bigplaidpants said:


> Dear mother/care-giver/whatever of pathetic little boy at the park with us this afternoon,
> 
> Please forgive me for forgoing all my liberal-minded self-conscious white male middle-class Christian training to be a nice guy, unmoved, self-respecting, and concerned for your feelings.
> 
> ...



Could I attach an addendum?

1) Assume that actions don't just speak louder than words, actions are the only thing your boy will recognize. Telling him "no" will do nothing if you don't DO something to enforce that no.
2) Logical consequences work wonders. If he throws sand, he loses the right to be in the sandbox for a while. If he won't share something, when it is appropriate, he loses use of it for a while. If he is not being nice with other kids, he does not get to play around them. Do explain to him what he did wrong, and why he is therefore suffering this consequence. He will object to these consequences, but believe you me, he'll change his behavior. When he does, make sure to recognize that too.

This is not being mean, this is being a parent. Yes, its work, sometimes it is not much fun, but it is far more satisfying when you make the effort to really parent.

Other than that, what BPP said.

-Ed, a playground veteran.


----------



## Jane (Aug 30, 2007)

edx said:


> Could I attach an addendum?
> 
> 1) Assume that actions don't just speak louder than words, actions are the only thing your boy will recognize. Telling him "no" will do nothing if you don't DO something to enforce that no.
> 2) Logical consequences work wonders. If he throws sand, he loses the right to be in the sandbox for a while. If he won't share something, when it is appropriate, he loses use of it for a while. If he is not being nice with other kids, he does not get to play around them. Do explain to him what he did wrong, and why he is therefore suffering this consequence. He will object to these consequences, but believe you me, he'll change his behavior. When he does, make sure to recognize that too.
> ...




Not to even mention CONSISTENCY.

Don't ignore his obnoxious behavior for 45 minutes then blow up all of a sudden. If its wrong now, it was wrong 45 minutes ago.

If you make a threat, follow through, EVERY TIME. As in, "If you do X again, the consequences will be Y and Z."


----------



## supersoup (Sep 4, 2007)

in random order...

heather, AM, johnny, the entire HB crew...

THANK YOU. to be perfectly honest, i had the best weekend of my life this weekend and i'm blaming you all for it. it was so amazing to finally be in a huge crowd of like minded people, and to be able to be myself. i'll be back, and i can't wait!

manda

------------------------------------------------------------

betsy, 

i am so glad that i got to meet you!! you are everything i thought you'd be and more, and hearing how excited you were to be amongst your round sisters made me all kinds of happy for you! i loved being part of the dress up betsy party, and you looked amazing at every step! i miss your smiling face already, and the way you giggle at everything. you and joe are truly amazing people, and i'm better for having met you both and being able to call you 'real' friends now.

<3
manda

---------------------------------------------------------------

kevin,

thanks for helpin a fat girl overcome some fears.

 
soup

-----------------------------------------------------------------

jessica,

you will most likely never read this, but thank you for being fucking amazing. i'm leaving it at that, because i'd need a thousand boards to thank you for everything.

love you,
manda

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ashley,

i love you. totally love you! you proved even more amazing than i thought you'd be, and i miss you like crazy already! i firmly believe you and i were meant to meet, and more importantly to be friends, and i'm so stoked that it happened. i refuse to say goodbye, instead it's going to be 'til we meet again'!

love you loads, and fried pepperoni is the best,
manda


i've got more, but i shall do those later.


----------



## out.of.habit (Sep 4, 2007)

Aw, Manda!

You are an incredible person, and I'm wonderfully lucky to be able to call you my friend. You're right, the whole thing was an amazing experience, and I'm pretty eager to go riiiiiight back up there and do it again. But I'm thinking what I'm most excited about is the friendships we're making, and how this is only the beginning of it all. 

thank goodness.

Thank you for having us as 'real' friends. The feeling is SO mutual. 

<3's and hugs and love and purple bandanas,

Betsy


----------



## JoyJoy (Sep 21, 2007)

Dear Dr. K, 

I am NOT your personal assistant. I will be glad to help you when I can, but just like with everyone else, I have to prioritize. Your needs and plans do not supersede those of the person who is actually my boss, or necessarily of those whom I also assist, and I will not drop everything I'm working on for you. Attempting to cajole or nag me into making your work a priority only serves to make me want to just tell you flat-out NO. It will get done, but some things have to come first. That's just the way it is. 

Oh, and just a tip: if you would stop talking long enough to listen to what I'm actually saying and give me a chance to show you, you'd find out that I really do know what I'm talking about and you're not always right. 

Thank you and have a nice day.


----------



## saucywench (Sep 25, 2007)

Dear Dr. S, 

See above.

Harrumph.


----------



## saucywench (Sep 25, 2007)

Ashley said:


> Dear Apartment gods,
> 
> Please do find me a cute, (relatively) affordable place in a good neighborhood in the MD/DC area. MUST have a kitchen. Throw a fat girl a bone here. Bonus points if it has a washer and dryer.
> 
> ...


Ashley, are you looking on craigslist?

I tried a range for you, not knowing your price limits:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/search/apa?query=&minAsk=500&maxAsk=900&bedrooms=


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 25, 2007)

saucywench said:


> Ashley, are you looking on craigslist?
> 
> I tried a range for you, not knowing your price limits:
> http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/search/apa?query=&minAsk=500&maxAsk=900&bedrooms=



Pssst, Saucy. She found one.


----------



## JoyJoy (Sep 25, 2007)

saucywench said:


> Dear Dr. S,
> 
> See above.
> 
> Harrumph.


 It's such fun working for doctors sometimes, isn't it?? View attachment 27886


----------



## saucywench (Sep 25, 2007)

Santaclear said:


> Pssst, Saucy. She found one.


Oopsie.


----------



## Ash (Sep 25, 2007)

Thank you, though, Sauce.

I did end up finding a place through craigslist, actually. I'm moving in this weekend.


----------



## supersoup (Sep 26, 2007)

dear boys/men/males,

you wonder why i think there are no FA's? QUIT DATING THE SKINNIES. normally, i'd be happy for you to be with someone you like, but get off your high horse when you hear me say that i'm not ever dating again, or that i think FA's are rare and imaginary creatures. be happy, kudos, but don't go acting like you are all loud and proud about your preference when you are dating a thin girl. it's a little hard to believe that your supposed preference carries over to daylight hours when you are with a thinner girl. no no, i'm sure you aren't with her because wankin to pictures of fatties at night in the dark is enough to get you by, and i'm sure you aren't with her because it's just easier on you, and i'm really sure you aren't with her because it's easier to play the caped crusader fatty loving superhero online. i'm sure it's because you REALLY LIKE HER. it's just so sad to me that someone can spend the time to paint themselves one way, yet actually live their lives another. don't waste my time, and more importantly, don't waste the time of the beautiful, caring, sexy, and amazing fatty girls that you come across in your life's travels.

angrily yours,
soup



------------------------------------------------

ashley,

how YOU doin'?


eye luff ewe,
snackdrawersisforlife


----------



## Santaclear (Sep 26, 2007)

Ashley said:


> Thank you, though, Sauce.
> 
> I did end up finding a place through craigslist, actually. I'm moving in this weekend.



Congrats Ashley, btw.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Sep 26, 2007)

Congrats on the apartment, Ash. Soup - PM me? I really want to know who that's addressed to so I can stay far, far away.

P.S. I love you both!


----------



## supersoup (Sep 26, 2007)

twas about no one in particular, just spurred on from a post i read. 

i love you too ginnylinn!!!


----------



## Friday (Oct 3, 2007)

I'm sorry you feel that way as that's not how it was meant. I wish you a good life, full of happiness and love.


----------



## Blackjack (Oct 3, 2007)

Dear Heart o' Mine,

Don't even.

Sincerely,
Brain


----------



## James (Oct 3, 2007)

supersoup said:


> dear boys/men/males,
> 
> you wonder why i think there are no FA's? QUIT DATING THE SKINNIES. normally, i'd be happy for you to be with someone you like, but get off your high horse when you hear me say that i'm not ever dating again, or that i think FA's are rare and imaginary creatures. be happy, kudos, but don't go acting like you are all loud and proud about your preference when you are dating a thin girl. it's a little hard to believe that your supposed preference carries over to daylight hours when you are with a thinner girl. no no, i'm sure you aren't with her because wankin to pictures of fatties at night in the dark is enough to get you by, and i'm sure you aren't with her because it's just easier on you, and i'm really sure you aren't with her because it's easier to play the caped crusader fatty loving superhero online. i'm sure it's because you REALLY LIKE HER. it's just so sad to me that someone can spend the time to paint themselves one way, yet actually live their lives another. don't waste my time, and more importantly, don't waste the time of the beautiful, caring, sexy, and amazing fatty girls that you come across in your life's travels.
> 
> ...



woah... soupy has spoken....

FA skinny-girl-daters do NOT want to mess with the Soup!


----------



## bigplaidpants (Oct 3, 2007)

supersoup said:


> dear boys/men/males,
> 
> you wonder why i think there are no FA's? QUIT DATING THE SKINNIES. normally, i'd be happy for you to be with someone you like, but get off your high horse when you hear me say that i'm not ever dating again, or that i think FA's are rare and imaginary creatures. be happy, kudos, but don't go acting like you are all loud and proud about your preference when you are dating a thin girl. it's a little hard to believe that your supposed preference carries over to daylight hours when you are with a thinner girl. no no, i'm sure you aren't with her because wankin to pictures of fatties at night in the dark is enough to get you by, and i'm sure you aren't with her because it's just easier on you, and i'm really sure you aren't with her because it's easier to play the caped crusader fatty loving superhero online. i'm sure it's because you REALLY LIKE HER. it's just so sad to me that someone can spend the time to paint themselves one way, yet actually live their lives another. don't waste my time, and more importantly, don't waste the time of the beautiful, caring, sexy, and amazing fatty girls that you come across in your life's travels.
> 
> ...



Rock on, soup. Badass letter.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Oct 3, 2007)

Good letter, soupers. And right context. Made me feel better too. *squoze*


----------



## bigplaidpants (Oct 5, 2007)

Dear Chicago Weather,

It is fucking O-C-T-O-B-E-R. That means NO-MORE-80+DEGREE-DAYS and no more of that Crotch Pot Cookin' feeling. 

<_yells outside northwest window_> 

*"Canada! We need an Alberta Clipper!!! Send one!"*

I am a northerner. I have *thick **red blood*. I am the heavy hairy guy folks like to sleep next to camping. That means WARM BLOODED. I burn calories if its HOT or if its NOT.

My jean pile is getting very lonely, feeling neglected and unused. Please cool the fuck down. I'm not being funny. *I'm pissed...and I'm not going to cool of until you do*.

Yours,
Matt

P.S. <_shakes fist_> You'll be hearing from me about late Februrary, too, when I'm sick and tired of the wind and sleet and ready for some _moderate_ sun. But, at least, I'll be more fucking comfortable.


----------



## activistfatgirl (Oct 5, 2007)

Dear Matt,

You are wrong.

Stop complaining.

If you ruin this for those of us (LIKE ME) that are relishing these sudden summer-in-fall days, I'll be EXASPERATED with you.

Ha.

Can't wait to walk around tonight,

AFG


----------



## bigplaidpants (Oct 5, 2007)

activistfatgirl said:


> Dear Matt,
> 
> You are wrong.
> 
> ...



Dear my illustrious AFG,

Vindication will be mine, ye lass of the northwoods. The ole' man with stiff stingy pockets will come bearing his icy hands and bring with him his heartless cold. His hollow wind will begin to blow. Then, I will relish in my home with a book or next to a computer: reading, posting, and sipping coffee.....

...and, if you make it to Chi-town, you can join me.

God is a God of 4 seasons! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

....ps, enjoy your walk. I'd just sweat more. Bleh.


----------



## mossystate (Oct 5, 2007)

Dear state workers at the Rainier School for the disabled,

A few of you, and perhaps many others, need to be physically abused, while not being able to defend yourselves. I watched the local news and saw you slap a mentally disabled EIGHTY EIGHT YEAR OLD WOMAN. I cried out in shock and immediately felt the tears...then I felt disgust over how worthless a human being you are. 

You are a bully and you don't want to know what I hope happens to you.

To the frail old woman who has had to endure this act of abuse ( and who knows how many others ) and is perhaps confused as to why it was done to her...sweetheart..I hope someone is giving you plenty of hugs and stroking your lovely face...you do not deserve such treatment. 

If I would have seen this firsthand...well...you mess with old and/or disabled people and you would have felt pain...trust me.

M


----------



## Jane (Oct 5, 2007)

Dear Jason,

Tonight you fawned all over me, and minced it up. 

It ain't fucking working.

You are a liar, and told the lady who has invested her life in our project that you had done what you said you were supposed to do. You hadn't.

THEN, you were stupid enough to admit that you didn't know I was involved in the project, after you lied about my partner to keep your ass out of trouble.

Hell hath no fury like...well, me. Watch your back, you worthless piece of shit. You thought your lies would cover you. 

You can fuck with me. I'll get over it. DON'T fuck with my friends, and the people I love. You will soon learn that. Revenge is not my game. I will simply watch as your lazy ass gets found out, and you pay the consequences for your actions.

Then I will laugh, and point them out to you.

Karma is a bitch. So am I.


----------



## Fuzzy (Oct 5, 2007)

Fuz,

Just a note to never ever piss off Jane.

Fuz


----------



## Jane (Oct 5, 2007)

Fuzzy said:


> Fuz,
> 
> Just a note to never ever piss off Jane.
> 
> Fuz



Fuz, just don't fuck with the people who have invested themselves into giving me love. Otherwise, you'll be fine.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Oct 7, 2007)

Dear Higher Power (you know who you are)....

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help the Indians smother the Yankees today.

That is all.

Thank you.

Good Night,

An Indians Fan


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Oct 7, 2007)

Dear same Higher Power (again, you know who you are),

Thank you for answering my prayers about "that person".

I promise not screw it up.... again.




All joking aside.... thank you... 

And I really won't screw it up.


Christine


----------



## TCUBOB (Oct 30, 2007)

Dear Higher Power:

I don't want to come off as irreverent or questioning or anything....but do you think that you might could have cut me some slack last week? Ok, yes, my cousin was a bit of a screwup, but he might have been getting his life together, staying clean and sober and out of jail, but then he dies in a freak construction accident.

Piling on, you pick later that week to finally come for my great aunt, who has suffered with the big A for so long.....in a way, that was a relief, but the timing could not have been worse. And it touched off a lovely feud between my father and his sister. I know that he's trying to be the bigger man, but his family has been so f'ed up for so long that he as much as admitted that what his sister did permanently damaged their relationship, probably beyond repair.

Then, just to ice the cake, I get word during the wake of my cousin that one of the nicest, caring, yet gruff and forboding (until you got to know him) Jesuits who helped get me through Algebra II passed on. I didn't even have any emotion left over for that. I was tapped out.

I know the saying of "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," but I gotta confess.....I'm not sure that I want to be this strong. I mean, I kept it together publically because everyone else was going to pieces, but now it's over, I'm back home, and I haven't had the same mourning and release that everyone else had. And so I have these....feelings? Emotions? Something that I don't know what to do with.

I just wish you coulda held off a little, that's all.

Bob


----------



## TraciJo67 (Oct 30, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Dear state workers at the Rainier School for the disabled,
> 
> A few of you, and perhaps many others, need to be physically abused, while not being able to defend yourselves. I watched the local news and saw you slap a mentally disabled EIGHTY EIGHT YEAR OLD WOMAN. I cried out in shock and immediately felt the tears...then I felt disgust over how worthless a human being you are.
> 
> ...




Dear Mossystate,

I do so wish that you were one of my colleagues, instead of my online Dims pal. 

Love,
A State Social Worker


----------



## Chimpi (Oct 30, 2007)

Dear Tropical Storm Noel,

Please bring lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and wind! Thanks

South Florida resident


----------



## ekmanifest (Oct 31, 2007)

Dear Mr. Maybe,

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Love,

Elizabeth


----------



## Ash (Oct 31, 2007)

Dear jerk in my complex,

Was it really necessary to park so close to me? There was no way in hell I could squeeze my ass through the tiny space that you left between my car and yours. I had to climb in through the passenger side, over my console and all my crap. Not easy for a fat girl. I'm going to watch which door you go in, because next time it happens, I'm going to come banging on your door at 7:30 in the morning and demanding that you move it. 

Angrily,
Your fat neighbor in T2


----------



## butch (Oct 31, 2007)

Dear TCUBOB,

So very sorry to hear of your losses-you're right, that is way too much for one person to deal with in such a short time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and please accept my condolences.

Sincerely,
Julia


----------



## love dubh (Oct 31, 2007)

mossystate said:


> Dear state workers at the Rainier School for the disabled,
> 
> A few of you, and perhaps many others, need to be physically abused, while not being able to defend yourselves. I watched the local news and saw you slap a mentally disabled EIGHTY EIGHT YEAR OLD WOMAN. I cried out in shock and immediately felt the tears...then I felt disgust over how worthless a human being you are.
> 
> ...



Dear Mossy,

Assaulting an abusive, heartless state worker or "care giver" is a crime I'd happily rot in jail for. 

Love,
Maire.


----------



## curvalicious (Nov 1, 2007)

dear cold/flu taking over my body,

Please don't take over my body anymore.
College is too overwhelming at the moment and I can't afford to miss class.
Plus I really want to be able to go party in canada next weekend.
Please just go away.

thanks,
Tiffany


----------



## Tina (Nov 1, 2007)

Dear Curvalicious,

I hope you feel better soon. 

Moi


----------



## mossystate (Nov 1, 2007)

love dubh said:


> Dear Mossy,
> 
> Assaulting an abusive, heartless state worker or "care giver" is a crime I'd happily rot in jail for.
> 
> ...



Dear Marie, 

We could tap messages to one another, via our shared wall. I hope you like the harmonica. I will try and be a good neighbor.


Monique ( inmate # 87990-54 )


----------



## Friday (Nov 1, 2007)

My deceased sister worked there (Rainier in Buckley, not the state pen) when she first got out of HS. She loved the work and 'her people' as she called them. I remember she brought one boy (about 14) home for Thanksgiving one year because no one ever came to visit him. I'll bet that she's haunting these sorry ass bastards right now. That would appeal to her.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Nov 1, 2007)

Dear Mo Mo,

It's Maire, my dear, not Marie. It's Gaelic.   

Love and kisses,

Ginny


----------



## mossystate (Nov 1, 2007)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear Mo Mo,
> 
> It's Maire, my dear, not Marie. It's Gaelic.
> 
> ...




* pats her little typo correcting head *



You from Minnesota?


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Nov 1, 2007)

Trust me, dahlink, nothing about me is Minne.


----------



## bigplaidpants (Nov 2, 2007)

Dear language,

What are you going to do for me today? Convey the hazards of that plastic bag? Warm my soul with the innocent sentiments of my own progeny? Convey to me a recipe?

You make it all possible. This very letter. The letters of this letter display your own naked magic. They fill the space, engulf the page, marching from left to right with a mindless logic that contains in itself a wizardry. Somehow, you unfold my intent. I, the writer, as if by magic carpet, convey myself to the mind of an other. Yet, it is so ordinary. You lend me your reason, stability, and sense of continuity, for with it, you make me a connection. On it anything is possible: a sense of understanding, a notion, reaction, a sentiment or feeling.

It's like a prison. How do we get outside? Stop speaking/stop typing? Only when madness or randomness takes over the patterns of convention can we break out of you on screen. But, then, there would be *ntoihng*. Without language, would we even be here? On Dimensions? Would there be Dimensions? Without you, we'd simply be avatars, a virtual face without language: speechless. 

Imagine. Without you, there would be only images - mostly bodies and faces. Most fat, shameless, public...and captionless, robust, suggestive, without pretense. Perhaps, like the onlookers, some repulsed and most admiring: they would speechless. 

Imagine only images and onlookers: speechless.

Of course, this wouldn't be a bad thing. Who wouldn't trade 1000 compliments or angry insults for the power to leave someone without a word to say? 

This brings us to lurkers. They are Dimensions' truly speechless. They have nothing to say. Yet, others have said: we know why they come. They, too, are seduced by dimensions: the fixation on size, fatness, and touch. And, like some even here, they, too, are stuck between the dimensions of fantasy and reality. 

They just aren't saying much. 

Caught in the contradiction, they experience that feeling we all sometimes have - to be without you, without language. To want to say something, but to feel like we can't. We can't say anything. It's the dark side of living without you. To be without language: the feeling of being speechless like screaming without being heard. Without hearing yourself.

They call it the closet: for FA's and fat folks. The closet is silent.

Where is this going? I don't know. I'm just writing a letter in the "a letter to people and things" thread. Ironically, I have come to a place where I have nothing else to say.

But, I haven't really said anything. It's the difference between speaking and writing. While I haven't said anything, I haven't exactly been speechless.

....not like when I look at something so wonderful, I have nothing to say.

Matt


----------



## liz (di-va) (Nov 14, 2007)

Dear _______,

Your absence make the holidays miserable! This grief exhausts me.

Please consider rejoining your family--even after 10 years--for the holiday for a spot of upset, Cheeveresque, finite misery instead of this dire, horrible, death-in-the-family misery. You give familial malefactors too much power. Look them in the face, tell them the truth. Realize you can't change them anyhow. But let off a little steam. I'm tired of the poison and the silence and the sadness as we all get older. I don't want the next time I see you to be at a funeral. I'm very very tired of the slowest heartbreak in the world about this and I don't know how to fix it anyhow, but please just consider showing up.

Tired,
Me


----------



## ThatFatGirl (Nov 14, 2007)

Dear Me,

Why have you not looked at this thread before? It's neat.

Love,

Me

p.s. It's time to face your fears and look for a job. You know you're bored out of your mind and while you may think you want to know Stephanie's and all the rest of the Forester's reactions to seeing Erik walk Donna Logan down the runway in tomorrow's fashion show finale, you know you would be far better off not knowing.


----------



## AnnMarie (Nov 14, 2007)

Dear US Mail, 

Please move faster. There is something exciting winging its way to someone and I'm so excited I want it there NOW. 

Hurry up. Okay?

Respectfully yours, 

AnnMarie Q. Public


----------



## AnnMarie (Nov 15, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> Dear US Mail,
> 
> Please move faster. There is something exciting winging its way to someone and I'm so excited I want it there NOW.
> 
> ...



Hey you, 

I wasn't kidding. HURRY UP!!!!

Damn holidays and delays.

Grrrr.

Mad Fatty


----------



## MisticalMisty (Nov 16, 2007)

Dear Sex life,

I'm uber stressed and need a good, long, hard fuck fest. So, pick up will ya?

Thanks,
one super horny, stressed out fattie


----------



## SoVerySoft (Nov 17, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Sex life,
> 
> I'm uber stressed and need a good, long, hard fuck fest. So, pick up will ya?
> 
> ...



LOL..this post combined with your sig at the bottom (about spreading cheer to your fellow dimmers) made me laugh out loud.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Nov 18, 2007)

SoVerySoft said:


> LOL..this post combined with your sig at the bottom (about spreading cheer to your fellow dimmers) made me laugh out loud.



lmfao...good gravy how funny!


----------



## EtobicokeFA (Nov 18, 2007)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Sex life,
> 
> I'm uber stressed and need a good, long, hard fuck fest. So, pick up will ya?
> 
> ...




*Rolling around floor in laugher


----------



## liz (di-va) (Nov 22, 2007)

Dear Thanksgiving Fairies, Kindly Guardian Spirits, Beloved Ancestors:

I am a *DORK*. *DORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK*. Did I say *dork*? I meant *DORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK.* Total fuckin dork. Current functioning personality: 90% Ramona Quimby, 5% Skreech, 2% Horshack, 3% Nellie Olsen. Please help me to achieve desired 80% Scarlett O'Hara/Ninon d'Lenclos majority ratio.

It would just be very helpful to not be such a complete and total fucking *dork.* It's not that being a dork is shameful. I just have more than I need. My humours are out of alignment.

Sounds silly, pretty much deadly serious, but I ain't frantic either.

Mille grazie
Wiz


----------



## butch (Nov 22, 2007)

Dear Liz,

Ye Olde Dimensions Interface would not let me give thee some rep. Your dorkness factor is loved and appreciated. Plus, no matter what, you have no Screech in you, so please readjust your percentages. If you saw any epsidoes of "Celebrity Fit Club" with Screech in it, you'll see what I mean.

from a fellow dork,
Julia


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Nov 22, 2007)

Dear oven,

For the most part, you haven't given me reason to complain. The home inspector told us when we moved in that you ran a bit hot, but hey, I can dig that and plan accordingly. One of your burners has become lose recently, but we all have our flaws as we get older, and a good shove of said burner solves the problem. 

I know I neglect you and don't clean you as much as I should. I tried to rectify that situation today, and made your insides as sparkly as I could before starting on the Thanksgiving goodies. After being in you for about a half-hour, I expected the pumpkin pie to be filling the house with the smell of spiced goodness. That wasn't quite happening, but I chalked it up to lingering oven cleaner fumes burning off. 

I'm sure, oven dear, you can appreciate my puzzlement when, about 15 minutes later, I smelled smoke. Upon approaching you in the kitchen, I was horrified to see flames through your door window! You, my dear oven, had set the pie ON FIRE! You were so hot that you scorched the oven mitt when I pulled out the oven rack, burning my thumb in the process. You turned the lingering bits of burnt stuff on your oven floor that I couldn't remove into ash. ASH. That's how hot you were. And you're not a self-cleaning oven! 

You ignored whatever temperature I turned you to; you were bound and determined to be as hot as you could possibly be, regardless of what I wanted. I'm trying to work around your hot flash today to try to complete dinner. I tried turning you on and off every 2 minutes to cook the stuffing, but that became tedious rather quickly. I kept your door cracked to cook the casserole, and I'm doing the same thing for emergency pie #2, which is currently in your innards right now. 

I must ask, oven love, why today? Were you sick of being used for frozen pizzas and tv dinners instead of gourmet meals? Did you actually prefer having burnt charcoal stuff at your bottom? Are you telling me you're too old to be able to complete a meal of Thanksgiving proportions? Are you just throwing a fit because you can? If need be, I'll clean you more often. If you're telling me it's your time to go to the Great Appliance Repair Shop in the Sky, I understand, but I wish you would have given me a sign instead of collapsing all at once.

Hungry and burnt,
-Barb


----------



## Tad (Nov 23, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Dear oven,
> 
> 
> You ignored whatever temperature I turned you to; you were bound and determined to be as hot as you could possibly be, regardless of what I wanted.



We had something similar happen once, and IIRC it was just the thermostat, and that was actually replaceable even for someone quite non-handy like me. Or maybe I thought it was replaceable, and after failing went out and bought a new stove. Well, it was one of those two.....but in theory at least it is a pretty simple part and quite replaceable.

-Ed


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Nov 23, 2007)

Dear Body,

How dare you, on one of my rare days off, wake me up at 7:42 am. How dare you! I wasn't planning to go shopping with all the idiots out there fighting over a $3 DVD player at 4 am. I fully intended to stay snug in bed until those morons were all back in their own beds, having exhausted their bodies as well as their pocketbooks. And it wasn't even like you needed to pee. So incredibly rude and inconsiderate!

-The rest of me


Dear Mind,

I'm getting really tired of these dreams that aren't bad, but are disturbing well enough because of the characters you choose for them. Please consider Colin Firth as an adequate substitute for the previous main character, and I will be much happier. Thank you. And if you're working in conjunction with Body on all this, please stop it or I'll be really pissed at you, too.

-The rest of me


----------



## Jane (Nov 24, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Dear oven,
> 
> For the most part, you haven't given me reason to complain. The home inspector told us when we moved in that you ran a bit hot, but hey, I can dig that and plan accordingly. One of your burners has become lose recently, but we all have our flaws as we get older, and a good shove of said burner solves the problem.
> 
> ...



OMG...are we living in alternate dimensions? I have the same oven.


----------



## James (Nov 26, 2007)

Dear Mum,

Please cut the melodrama, grow up, open up, cheer up and stop trying to make me feel bad for having the temerity to suggest this. Some simple kindness surely isnt impossible to ask for? Why must I continually have to 'manage' your polar reactions to the smallest things?!

Dear Sis, 

Just because I tend to choose friends, free time and happiness over ambition, career and money doesnt make me an incompetant dreamer. A 50:50 partnership is just that... 50:50. I make reasonable compromises. You can too.

Dear Senior Management,

Pull your heads out of your asses. Removing a resource is not "Rationalising" it. This project will not get completed by giving me a payrise of £1000 but removing 2 full time support employees. You are already going to be up a creek without a paddle when I leave next year. Removing the capacity to take over my work as well is like drilling holes in the hull.

Dear Boiler.

Please dont break again. I dont understand how to fix you and the kind of men that do basically have a licence to put their hand in my wallet and pull out whatever they like. 

Dear Car.

Please pass your MOT... lol ok... thats not going to happen! Please fail your MOT inexpensively... mkay?


----------



## This1Yankee (Nov 28, 2007)

Awwwwwwww, James you are so cute. Such a sweetie. Thas all


----------



## supersoup (Nov 28, 2007)

dear new year's eve,

hurry the eff up. i've got lots of fatties to love on and giggle with.

in doom,
soup


:bounce:


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Nov 28, 2007)

Dear Soup,

I am SO excited I am one of aforementioned fatties! 

<3,

Me


----------



## Ash (Nov 28, 2007)

Dear Fatopia,

Prepare for lots of drunken shenanigans. 

Love,
The Fatty Crew


----------



## out.of.habit (Nov 28, 2007)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear Soup,
> 
> I am SO excited I am one of aforementioned fatties!
> 
> ...



Has it been confirmed?! HOW did I miss that post? Ginny! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!
Again, I'll spare you all the bouncy smiles.


----------



## Ash (Nov 28, 2007)

Ginny is officially a member of the Doom crew.


----------



## out.of.habit (Nov 28, 2007)

We're going to have to get Joe some earplugs so that he may withstand the squealing.

Or, it might actually be at a pitch above what human ears register...





Nevermind, he'll be fine.


----------



## AnnMarie (Nov 28, 2007)

Ashley said:


> Ginny is officially a member of the Doom crew.



I was there for the "rules of Doom" and I was quite sure that wasn't permitted?? 

Just sayin'.


----------



## out.of.habit (Nov 28, 2007)

AnnMarie said:


> I was there for the "rules of Doom" and I was quite sure that wasn't permitted??
> 
> Just sayin'.



Oh MAN I should have caught that.

*taps foot, looks unconvincingly mean*


----------



## supersoup (Nov 28, 2007)

doom is as doom does.


or something...


----------



## Ash (Nov 28, 2007)

I'm such a rebel...

of doom...


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Nov 29, 2007)

Dear Linds-
I know sometimes I give you a hard time when it comes to your dating life. I only do it because I love you and I never want to have to witness a man physically hurting you again. I couldn't take it, and you and Cait deserve better. I just want you to date someone because you really like them, and not because you are lonely. I want you to be fully aware of their drinking issues and not excuse them like you did with Ian. I love you too much to see you get hurt like you did before. 
love
Sasha

Dear Cait-
I miss you and love you so much sweetie! Your mom tells me about you everyday. You are growing into such a beautiful young lady so fast, it amazes me. Thank you for giving me my baby fill, as I know I dont need/want to have one for a little while still. You amaze me and make me smile all the time baby girl. Stay sweet and be nice to your mommy.
Love Auntie Sasha

Dear Dad-
I hope this holiday season you are well and staying away from drinking. I'm not living there so I have no idea what's going on. You mean the world to me and I just want you to take care of yourself. The holidays are hard for you, but deep down you are a strong man. You have all my love always dad. 
Love
Your Bug-a-Boo

Dear Mike- I love ya like a brother dude, but if you plan on dating my friend you better be serious about shaping up your act. She deserves the world and I know you are a great person, but if you hurt her, I will have to hurt you. 
HUGS
Your "sista"

Barb-
If your sexy ass doesn't start talking to me again I'm going to think that night in the pool meant nothing! 
Sasha


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Nov 29, 2007)

Dear Sasha,

When was I not talking to you? We've missed each other on IM recently, but that hasn't been intentional. And really, how could I NOT talk to you? I'm going to have all kinds of New Year's Bash gossip to impart! 

-Barb


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Nov 29, 2007)

Dear Bets,

I thought I couldn't go - and then Ashley was kind enough to offer me a ride. Which means I can afford it, which means I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD!

You may squeal all you like. And there is no such thing as too many bouncy smilies!!!!


----------



## butch (Dec 14, 2007)

Dear 94.7 The GLOBE,

I love you. I often complain about DC radio, and you're not perfect, but once in a while you play a song that makes me squeal for joy, and you did it again today. Songs I haven't heard in years, songs that deserve to be blasting from every radio every day, and you remind me of the transcendant power of music.

Today you won my heart by playing David & David's 'Welcome to the Boomtown." That song is so old I had it on vinyl, and haven't heard it in years. It still sounds as wonderful today as it did in the 80's, and took me back to my high school days. Ironically, just a few weeks ago I had the lyrcis to another song off that album in my head, and what I'd give to hear this song again, too:

Swimming in the Ocean

Just for tonight
i'll watch from above
the too-late rites
for a long dead love
just for tonight
i'll watch from above
the too-late rites
for a long dead love
making like defrocked priests
going through the motions
a double-backed beast
without the holy lotions
generate heat
but move without emotion
and athletic feat
like swimming in the ocean
i really did
swim in it

I wonder if you're still available in CD format, David & David and your only released album? 

And 94.7? Keep it up. Keep making me happy when you play songs like "Bela Lugosi's Dead" or "Like the Weather" or "Wuhtering Heights." And think about adding Patty Griffin to your playlist, OK? She's better than those other female artists you play right now, trust me.

Much love,
Julia


----------



## Ash (Dec 14, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear 94.7 The GLOBE,



Dear butch,

You have excellent taste in radio stations. 

Jammingly,
Ashley

P.S. You can listen to The Globe online, streaming, too. I listen to it at work all day.


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Dec 14, 2007)

I know I'm so old and so uncool when my radio thrill is hearing "Snoopy's Christmas" on the station playing holiday stuff 24/7. I loved that song when I was about 8. I sat in my car and sang it before going in the house after work.


----------



## Blackjack (Dec 14, 2007)

Sweet Tooth said:


> I know I'm so old and so uncool when my radio thrill is hearing "Snoopy's Christmas" on the station playing holiday stuff 24/7. I loved that song when I was about 8. I sat in my car and sang it before going in the house after work.



Is that the one where he meets the Red Baron and gets shot down, then goes and drinks with the Germans 'cause it's Christmas?

I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG.


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Dec 14, 2007)

Dear HEB Variety Pack Instant Oatmeal,

"Regular" is not a flavor. "Plain" works. "Unflavored" is accurate. Even "oatmeal" flavor is acceptable. But "regular" is not, especially when compared with the other delicious flavors in the box. If I wanted plain oatmeal, I would purchase plain oatmeal. However, it seems rather selfish of you to proclaim yourself to be a variety pack when two of the packets therein are the previously mentioned "regular" variety. I feel gypped. 

Barb flavored, but not regular,
-Barb


----------



## supersoup (Dec 14, 2007)

dearest wee cupcake avatar,

i do not remember where i pilfered you from, but i'm so glad i did. i forgot all about you till i was digging around in my pictures. you saucy little minx you!!

wubus and stuffs,
amanda


----------



## Jane (Dec 15, 2007)

You, and you know who You are, and you don't post on Dims,

Yeah, well, maybe you're trying to take the easy way out, AGAIN. God forbid you should make a decision rather than floating on the top moving along with whatever tide washed you up.

I'm sorry you've always been told that every decision you ever made was wrong, and that Mommy went back and "fixed" things. Here's a thought, maybe they weren't, and Mommy "fixed" it anyway. She sure seems hell-bent on getting you fixed (and yes, I know exactly what I mean by that, as do you).

I hope you remember who You are in time. I really, really do.

With Love,

Jane


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Dec 15, 2007)

Blackjack said:


> Is that the one where he meets the Red Baron and gets shot down, then goes and drinks with the Germans 'cause it's Christmas?
> 
> I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG.



OMG, someone else knows that song? :blink: :bounce:

My even geekier secret... I have the sheet music to it.


----------



## alienlanes (Dec 15, 2007)

Renaissance Woman said:


> Dear HEB Variety Pack Instant Oatmeal,
> 
> "Regular" is not a flavor. "Plain" works. "Unflavored" is accurate. Even "oatmeal" flavor is acceptable. But "regular" is not, especially when compared with the other delicious flavors in the box. If I wanted plain oatmeal, I would purchase plain oatmeal. However, it seems rather selfish of you to proclaim yourself to be a variety pack when two of the packets therein are the previously mentioned "regular" variety. I feel gypped.
> 
> ...



I will also add my name to this letter... I've got a big pile of unused "regular" oatmeal packets sitting in my kitchen cabinet.


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Dec 15, 2007)

Dear HR Office,

YOU SUCK!!! To call me and ask me to resign from my possession is horse kaka. I have Doctor notes and everything. I can't help that I sprained my back and ankle and have pneumonia. You hide behind the Family Act law which in all reality I should be qualified for because you hired me in Nov 06, but because your company sucks so much you consider me to be an employee beginning in March 07 when I switch departments. Now on top of being sick and injured we have to worry about how we are going to get by. THANK YOU you freaking Jerks! Then call me and when I call back to discuss this with you not pick up or return my call! You are the worst company I have ever worked for! Thank you for nothing! Thank God I have Aflac! I am going to resign just because it looks good on my part when I go to get a new job! A******S! 

Your now pissed off ex-employee,
Erin
________________________________________________________________

Dear Chimp Love,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING CARE OF ME!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! We will get through this. You are my rock! My knight is shinning armor! My everything! 

XOXO:kiss2::kiss2::wubu::wubu:
Love Always and Forever Your,
Darling Angel!

________________________________________________________________

Dear Family,

WE ARE SO SORRY, We can't spend Christmas together this year. We were so looking forward to it. I want to show Justin how it is at our house for Christmas. There will always be next year. IT is killing us to have to Miss Bella first Christmas. 

WE LOVE YOU ALL!!

Love Always and Forever Your,
Daughter/Son, Sister/Brother and Aunt Erin and Uncle Justin
________________________________________________________________
Dear Body,

FREAKING GET BETTER ALREADY!!! My ankle is better, but the rest of you needs to FOLLOW SUIT!!!! I am sick of every time I cough my back hurts!

Thank You,
Mind


----------



## Tad (Dec 19, 2007)

Dear Tegan and Sara;

Please stop being quite to supernaturally hooky. I really need you to take “I just want back in your head” out of my head. I’d just managed to get it out, finally, and the radio just played it again.

Please?

===========================================

Dear local radio station;

Regarding: “Message in a Bottle” by the Police

a) It was never that good of a song in the first place, 
b) It would not have counted as &#8216;new rock’ even if the category had existed back then, and most certainly does not qualify now, and 
c) Should you choose to ignore good taste and your own self-proclaimed format, it should still never be played following Tegan and Sara. They go together like beer and cheese fondue.

I'm sure your accountants are pushing you to play more older songs, with lower royalties. But please remember that there are approximately eighty-seven thousand stations on the dial playing some variation of oldies, and the reason I'm listening to you and not them is that I actually want to hear NEW music. I'm grateful that you exist on my dial at all, but please stop the increasing number of old songs.

========================================

Dear Buck 65;

How would you classify your music? Besides brilliant, I mean. Folk-rap? Blues-Hop? Not that it matters, I’ll listen to you happily with or without any particular label, I was just wondering how to describe you to other people. Trying to talk about music with written words is always hard. Anyway, please arrange a concert in Ottawa on some night when we magically have a baby sitter available.


----------



## butch (Dec 19, 2007)

Dear Erin,

So sorry to hear about your job-and at the holidays, too! Hope things work out for you soon, and hope you and Justin can make your christmas as merry as possible!

Julia

Dear Ed,

I love Tegan and Sara. Wish I heard them on the radio here in DC, but since they're Canadian and all, maybe that is why you get to hear them a lot more than I do.

Julia


----------



## AnnMarie (Dec 19, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear Erin,
> 
> So sorry to hear about your job-and at the holidays, too! Hope things work out for you soon, and hope you and Justin can make your christmas as merry as possible!
> 
> ...



Dear Julia, 

I hear them all the time.

www.fnxradio.com - you can listen online - my local, independent, alternative station. 

Boston rules. 

AnnMarie


----------



## out.of.habit (Dec 19, 2007)

Dear Erin, 

Wow. I'm so sorry that's happened! What crazy people, to willingly lose someone like you. What an awful effing company. (((((((Erin))))))))

Betsy


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Dec 20, 2007)

butch said:


> Dear Erin,
> 
> So sorry to hear about your job-and at the holidays, too! Hope things work out for you soon, and hope you and Justin can make your christmas as merry as possible!
> 
> Julia


Dear Julia,

THANK YOU..It does suck big time. We are going to try.  All I really need is him by my side for Christmas. I love him to death he is so supportive and caring and loving. I am so happy he is mine.  Lucky Girl here!
Happy Holidays!
(((Julia)))
With Love,
Erin



out.of.habit said:


> Dear Erin,
> 
> Wow. I'm so sorry that's happened! What crazy people, to willingly lose someone like you. What an awful effing company. (((((((Erin))))))))
> 
> Betsy


Dear Betsy,

You kind women you! Yes they did lose a very good employee, prolly one of the best! Screw them! They said to me," You can resign now and when you feel that you can work come back and we will consider you." WTF! No freaking way would I go back to there company! LOL They Must think I am crazy! Happy Holidays!!!

(((((Betsy)))))
With Love,
Erin

_____________________________________________________________
Dear TollFree Number,

STOP CALLING MY HOUSE!!! I AM NOT GOING TO PICK UP!!!!!

Pissed off Person on the other end of the phone!


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Dec 23, 2007)

Dear Asshole Brother Who Had Too Much Wine and Doesn't Understand My Love of Sleep,

I was dreaming about getting roughed up by a young Marlon Brando, that we'd gone on some old-fashioned date, and after ponying up $2 for dinner and a show (a lot of money for back then, dammit), he wanted his. 

You woke me up while he was tearing off my underwear with frightening, sexy, sexy force. I don't like you much as a person right now. I am sure by tomorrow, I'll laugh. But at least you woke me up to get a brownie while it was still warm. And who doesn't prefer a brownie over hot sex? Oh wait. No one prefers a brownie over hot sex. Thank for ruining my fun.

No thank you,

Casey


----------



## TraciJo67 (Dec 23, 2007)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Oh wait. No one prefers a brownie over hot sex. Thank for ruining my fun.
> 
> 
> Casey




Well ... hold on there, Casey. Would it be a frosted brownie?


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Dec 23, 2007)

TraciJo67 said:


> Well ... hold on there, Casey. Would it be a frosted brownie?



Sex while EATING frosted brownies is not preferring brownies over sex, Traci.  That makes you a hedonist, not a puritan.


----------



## Fuzzy (Dec 23, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Could you influence the powers that be to dump some extra snow on us?

Maybe an extra foot or two?

kthxbi,

Fuz


----------



## Punkin1024 (Dec 23, 2007)

Dear Santa,

I too would like some snow, but here in Texas. 

Thanks bunches!

Punkin


----------



## ValentineBBW (Dec 23, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Please give Fuzzy and Punkin any snow originally meant for me.

ps. I'll leave extra cookies for this request.


Val


----------



## supersoup (Dec 24, 2007)

o mighty retail gods,

please, please, please, let today go okay, but not make me exhausted like every other christmas eve i've worked the last 8 years. as shitty as it is to say, we've already missed making our projected sales for this month...so let that trend continue today!! i'd love my 11 hour shift to go smoothly, be able to get my own work done, and not be a walking zombie for my family's christmas get together tonight.

go easy on me!!
amanda


----------



## Fuzzy (Dec 24, 2007)

Dear Santa,

Snow arrived on time, and without delay.

Thank you,

Fuz


----------



## butch (Dec 24, 2007)

Dear Universe,

What have I ever done to make you dislike me so much? Really, all I asked for today was one simple thing, and you couldn't even provide me with the one tiny thing I wanted, just a piece of wood-derived product, folded in half, and inserted inside a variation of that same wood-derived product, waiting at my door tonight.

OK, I get it. It doesn't matter to you that today is the anniversary of my grandmother's death, or that I have no plans for Christmas Eve and am in fact sitting alone in my cold apartment. You're a frigid, heartless prick and I'm letting you know I don't like you anymore.

Now that we know clearly how we feel about each other, Universe, we can both move on and find someone new. Although, in my case, I'm not sure I can replace you, so I guess I'm screwed.

F*** you,
Julia


----------



## Miss Vickie (Dec 24, 2007)

(((((((Julia)))))))

I'm so sorry you're having a crummy Christmas. It's tough, when you've lost loved ones, isn't it? Especially when the loss is so near the holidays. I'm feeling a lot of losses this year and have me feeling pretty blue.

I hope that the mail gods prevail and you get what you were hoping for. In the meantime, know that a snow bunny from Alaska thinks you're pretty awesome and wishes you could come warm yourself by her fire.


----------



## mossystate (Dec 24, 2007)

Julia

I, too, am sorry to know you are struggling. I hope you can try hard, if you want, to get to a place in your head where you find even a speck of a sweet memory, or a more recent something that made/makes you happy and feel very wanted.

I know..I know..I do.

When you take a break from yelling at the universe..know there are people thinking about you.

Monique


----------



## This1Yankee (Dec 26, 2007)

Dear Work,

Why are you forcing me to be here today? It's quite arguably the best shopping day of the year, and I am sitting tethered by the nipple to a computer and a phone. I fucking hate you. On top of that, I really don't feel that hot. I want to go home; not permanently, just for the remainder of today....and the rest of the week.

Professionally Yours,
Megan


Dear N,

Oh for chrissakes, will you just text message me and make my day, so that I can know that you have been thinking about me as I have been thinking about you?!?! Is that so much to ask? I mean, reeeeeeallly? Sheesh. :doh:

-M


----------



## butch (Dec 26, 2007)

Dear Dims friends,

Thank you for the comments in this thread, and in rep (and a phone call, too), about my Christmas rant/letter. They made me feel much better, and, lo and behold, a stray card did end up at my door yesterday, so the Universe wanted to kiss and make up with me.

I didn't realize until the other day one reason why I'm such a Scrooge is because of the death of my grandmommy on Christmas Eve (and then my granddaddy goes and dies on my birthday in January, so that doesn't help much either). I was pretty close to her as a child, and my mom says in many ways I'm a lot like her. Like her, I never seem to smile in pictures, and like her, I've got a college degree. Unlike her, I'm not a librarian, but like her, I'm a teacher of sorts. 

Here's an interesting story about her. Her first husband (who looked like Scott Thompson from Kids in the Hall) was in the navy during WWII, and he was stationed in a submarine that disappeared somewhere in the Pacific. They never found the sub, and how eerie is that? Her second husband, my granddaddy, was also in the navy. They were both very good people, loving but stoic and very generous with their money. The only reason I could afford to go to college both times I went was because of their generosity.

Anyway, thanks for letting me chat about her for a bit, and hope everyone's holiday was happy, and here's to a great New Years to all of you!

Love,
Julia


----------



## Ash (Dec 26, 2007)

Dear creepy dude in the parking lot at PG Plaza today,

Whomever told you that a girl would respond to your phone number written on a Sbarro napkin and shoved under her wiper...was lying. And sitting in your car a few yards away doing the whole "call me" hand to ear signal doesn't help either. This tactic is not charming. It's creepy. Please don't do it anymore. To me or any other woman. 

Maybe you thought since I was fat, I'd be impressed that you can afford Sbarro? Or that was a subtle message that, were we to go out, you'd treat me to greasy food court pizza? In any case...not interested. But thanks anyway!

Sincerly,
none of your business.


----------



## butch (Dec 26, 2007)

Dear Ashley,

Aw, the suave men of the DC area, aren't they charming? Reminds me of the guy who couldn't understand why, if I didn't have a ring on my finger, I wouldn't give him my phone number one minute after he walked up to me on the Metro platform and asked me what the time was.

Its times like that which make me wish I could just say, without fear of a Newark-style beatdown, that I'm a dyke, OK? While not 100% true, its still more business of mine than he needs to know.

Have fun at NYE!

Julia


----------



## ekmanifest (Dec 26, 2007)

Dear Wellbutrin,

I am so sorry I ended our relationship the way I did. It was a huge mistake. I didn't realize how important you were to my life. I began to take you for granted. I am so glad we have been reunited and I am starting to feel like my old self again. Will not be saying goodbye again anytime soon.

signed,

a believer that life is often better through pharmaceuticals


----------



## Punkin1024 (Dec 27, 2007)

Dear Old Man Winter~
Please make up your mind. This wavering back and forth is driving me crazy!

Thanks!

Punkin 

P.S. Please let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!


----------



## Chimpi (Dec 27, 2007)

Dear Ashley,

My apologies for a tactless act.

Love, wholly and lovingly,
The man who will try and try again

P.S. ohwmygodz i luv oo
P.S.S. ###-####


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Dec 27, 2007)

Dear Citibank,

I know you, like your elephantine APRs, never forget anything, but could you make like a VA employee working from home on an unsecured laptop and just lose my accounts, or even better, mysteriously close them out at zero balance? Either that or transfer it to Mr. Underhill's account, whatever works best for YOU.

I mean, I know my meager pittance of a balance means nothing to you: The Entity that doesn't get up in the morning for less than eleventy million dollareenies, but it would so free me up to buy Bigger, nay Better things with that money. An HD projector comes to mind. Yes, I know that landscaping and a kitchen remodel is ALWAYS the first choice of the true intelligentsia, but like the Winter Warlock after Kris Kringle melted his evil, icy heart with the gift of a toy train, just let me have a little more magic to help you forget.

Forget....forget... (waves hands mystically)


----------



## Donna (Dec 30, 2007)

Dear Germs;

DIE, DIE, DIE my darlings! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and it's not fair that you have decided to invade my body in the midst of year-end. Do you not realize I do not have time to be running a fever, coughing up a lung and dealing with a wicked case of bronchitis right now? I have clients who need payroll done along with their year-end accounting adjustments so their 1099s and W-2s will be correct. Do you care? I've been eating right, walking daily (through pain I might add) to get my exercise and fresh air and avoiding the other germ-infested people around me, but do you give a rip? 

I don't even want to mention the fact that I will have to miss the NYE party tomorrow night because you little mothers are building condos in my lungs. I hope you are pleased with yourselves. However, if I were you, I wouldn't get too comfortable. The Kelfex is coming after you and it will kill you....every last one of you little punks!

Coughing So Hard It Hurts, 
Donna


----------



## Punkin1024 (Dec 31, 2007)

Dear Donna,

So sorry you are ill. Germs are mean little boogers aren't they! Hope you feel all better real soon.

Hugs,
Ella


----------



## supersoup (Dec 31, 2007)

dear annmarie, 


it wasn't me.

love,
soup


----------



## Donna (Jan 1, 2008)

Dear Punkin, 

Thank you, you are very sweet. And your new (I assume it's new or I have just missed seeing it before so it is new to me) avatar is gorgeous!

Happy New Year, 
Donna


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jan 1, 2008)

Donnaalicious said:


> Dear Punkin,
> 
> Thank you, you are very sweet. And your new (I assume it's new or I have just missed seeing it before so it is new to me) avatar is gorgeous!
> 
> ...



Dear Donna,
Your most welcome. Thanks to you too - the avatar picture is new. I had hubby take a few pics today and posted them in the "Recent Photo" thread.

Happy New Year,
Punkin


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jan 7, 2008)

Dear new guy.....

I'm getting a bit frustrated with you.... don't blow this already.... If you screw this up with me, you really have NO idea what a great thing you would be throwing away... I mean seriously.

So, do me a favor, get your head out of your ass, and get it together.

Thankyouverymuch,

Christine


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 8, 2008)

Dear Sean,

You're a fucking asshole. I can't believe you let Matt get away. You will never find a better man, you semi-literate retard. Your family is nothing but a bunch of racist perverts. You raped my brother's wallet. Good job, asswipe. I guess your family who FUCKING HATES YOU AND CALLS YOU A FAG AND HATES YOUR FUCKING FIANCE is better than someone who loves you and is infinitely better-looking than you ever thought about being, you pimped out Keebler elf looking son of a bitch. And he's smarter. 

Stay the fuck away. Don't call me. I will fucking set you straight in a heartbeat and leave you in tears like you deserve, you simpering puss ball. 

Fuck you,

Not your SIL, thank God for small favors

Dear Matt,

Well, who didn't see that one coming? Handsome, smart, brilliant dude can indeed do better! Glad you figured it out before you blew over ten grand on the wedding itself. Also? Let me help you out this time. You've got to take a look at what Dad did. You have to look at the old pain and ancient beliefs you're holding onto. I know you hate hearing it from me. Lord knows I've fucked up.

Sean's not evil. Despite everything I just said in the previous letter, he's not evil, Snowbunny. Is he a stupid fuck? YES!!! And you did some pretty nutty stuff. I want you to be happy. Tell me how to help, but let me. 

We didn't get good examples on love. Our parents are in a lot of pain they're holding onto from who knows when. You can let that go. 

I love you unconditionally, but I can't keep reliving old Mom and Dad pain, dude. You're going to have to start loving people back in a way other than the way you first learned. Otherwise, this whole mess will just keep finding new ways to re-emerge. And I'm tired of it. And I can't do it forever. And I'm scared of taking the next right action in my own life and saying goodbye with love. And I'll have to own that. Can I be a coward and you step up to the bat? Please? 

Love always,

Casey


----------



## lipmixgirl (Jan 12, 2008)

dear mr. dumass, 

my feelings are my feelings and i am entitled to feel my feelings.

time and space will not "cure" me, nor make things easier for me my
feelings will not pass

i will be honest and say that there was a time when your actions
(attraction) towards me did not match your words (non-attraction) and
our "non-date dates" were some of the best times i have ever had i
thought, during those times, perhaps you may have feelings for meas I
am a go with the flow kind of girl, i just went with itwondering if
perhaps something may change and develop but, as you had/have
stated time and time again, you were/are not attracted to me i accept
this.

as for friendship  friends talk about everything... however, as you
have rightly pointed out, we cannot talk about everything you were
correct, i was wrong  i don't want to hear about the other women in
your life i don't want to hear about your bad dates, good dates,
romantic interests in other women i don't want to hear for the
millionth time "we cannot be in a romantic relationship" and "you
remind me of my mother"

additionally, you don't want to share these stories with me because
you know that it hurts me

hearing these things pain me and i mean physically pain me every
time you say to me "we cannot be in a romantic relationship" or " you
remind me of my mother", i am pained.

i also have a sneaking suspicion that you would not enjoy hearing
stories about other men in my life yes, in these past months, you
have inspired me to venture out into the world and date

just to be incredibly clear  your "raw animal magnetism", as you put
it, has nothing to do with our friendship or lack thereof

i am well i hope you are too i will send out a mass email when my
episode airs

merry christmas...


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 12, 2008)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Aris)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 

Anyone that would say that to you is as blind as they are idiotic. You deserve SO much better. I'm glad you're out there, dating - you'll find it, chickie. 

SO much love. <3


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jan 12, 2008)

Dear Daughter who professes to hate me,

You know... if you want to know how I'm doing you don't have to ask your sister. You can ask me. I promise I won't bite, and I'll give you all the information you want. 

Oh and if you want to know about child support -- ask your dad. Don't ask your younger sister. It does nothing but piss her off and endanger your relationship with her. Besides, why would she have any idea about it? It's up to your father and I, and since he's not talking to me, you can probably figure out that it's not happening. He knows how to reach me, though, and if it were important to him he would have taken care of it. In the meantime, I hear he got another ginormous bonus and a raise, so you shouldn't be hurtin' too badly. In the meantime, I'm not working so... yeah... blood from a stone and all that. But hey, if you're curious, ask your dad. Or me. But not your sister. 

Love,

Mom

PS -- Your comment about my hernia repair and tummy tuck being not medically necessary? Just makes you look like a spoiled, hateful brat. And it's none of your business whether my insurance paid for it -- but yeah, they did. Which means that yes, it was necessary. 

PPS -- Thanks for caring. I think.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Jan 12, 2008)

Dear Asshole who didn't care to help,

Thanks for ignoring me yesterday as I laid on the cold ground, with no coat on and in pain, obviously having problems getting up. You walked out of the salon, looked over at me and turned around and walked the other way. May someone pay you the same down the line.

Dear Tanning Business

Thanks for ignoring my cries for help while I lay on the cold cement, with no coat on, obviously having problems getting up. I was right in front of your door, only slightly to the right. You have to have seen me go down or at least _heard_ me cry out "someone help me please". No one came.

lastly

Dear Brother,

Thank you for your mean attitude about my fall. I was hurt and panicked and didn't know what else to do. You of anyone had the best chance of helping me up, yet I called and disrupted what, your afternoon snooze? Thank you for taking your time to come help me as you hadn't even left the house yet when I called back to tell you I had managed to get up after the 4th try. Then you proceeded to be condescending when I came home with your "so what was the problem, why did you call". Again, I was scared and panicked. 

Fuck off all of you,

me


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 12, 2008)

Dear Becky, 

I'm sorry you've lived through one of our daily fears/nightmares. I wish I could have been there to help you up quickly, and with all the dignity you deserve. This is a cold world, and sometimes, as the fat girls, we get to see a dimension that most people would deny exists. 

Love.
AnnMarie


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 12, 2008)

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry. I know I can't relate, but I wish I would have been there to give you a hand. Just remember that it was one rotten day, and there are any number of people who would not have let you down. 

Dignity comes from within and isn't dampened by unfortunate circumstances. You have lots of both dignity and class.

Love,

C


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 12, 2008)

Dear body,

Okay. You win. I understand you are going to punish me regardless of what I do.

Resigned to being in pain no matter what,

Casey


----------



## ValentineBBW (Jan 12, 2008)

Dear AnnMarie and Casey,

Thank you both so much. You are both great people. I know not everyone is like those I encountered yesterday. I wasn't completely shocked, but geez it sure takes you back a step.

I'm slowly learning that I do need to speak up when something is bothering me so as I sat here still fuming I knew I had to do something. As soon as I wrote this letter I felt better. Old dogs do learn some new tricks.


Becky


----------



## Jane (Jan 13, 2008)

Dear Person Who Should Heed This (and no he doesn't post on Dimensions),

Doing something just because "it will make her happy" is not the same thing as "so she won't bitch." I miss the former.

Thanks oodles, and wise the fuck up, SOON.

Jane

p.s. I do things to make you happy all the time. THAT you wouldn't even try to deny.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jan 14, 2008)

(((((((((((((((Becky))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry this hapened. People suck at times.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jan 14, 2008)

Becky, that is just awful. I can't imagine not helping someone obviously in need. I'm so sorry that happened to you.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Jan 14, 2008)

Sandie and Vicki,

Thank you both, I appreciate it. I've never experienced something like that before, but I know I'm not the only one or the first. Until it actually happens, you don't really people behave in such a manner. 

_Some_ people do suck! But thankfully there are many people out there that don't.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 14, 2008)

Dear Parents,

:doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh::doh:

There would be more of those for you if I weren't limited by the board software.

Not ready to parent her parents just yet, thanks,

Your DD


----------



## lipmixgirl (Jan 14, 2008)

dearest becky,

while i am greatly pained that you had to endure the whole "salon episode" (which i hope that you are not physically injured), i am even more upset that i was unable to be there to provide you assistance... 

what this says to me is that the cold, unfeeling people of kansas do not deserve you! come to NYC!!! the friendliest, most courteous, and warm city around! 

i miss you... 

when is your move date????


----------



## mossystate (Jan 14, 2008)

Valentine, such an angering and sad situation. I am glad that physically, you did not have a more horrible time of it.


Ginny....you need to call Jo Frost...better known as the SUPERNANNY..whip those two ' kids ' into shape!


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 14, 2008)

LMAO. Best. advice. ever.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jan 14, 2008)

Dear TurboTax,

I really want my password so I can get my taxes started. Shortly is like 5 mins..not over an HOUR..

Bastards.

Signed:

Poor fat girl who needs her refund.


----------



## lipmixgirl (Jan 14, 2008)

dear mr. dumass,

 my last (as in very last until you pony up) email contact to you said “if you ever want to take me out on a &#8216;romantic’ date, don’t hestitate to call…” (and i am completely serious about that… )and what happened? you became angry… it pissed you off and you felt the need to lash out only in a way befitting of 10th grade. i understand that your iq and eq are grossly imbalanced… while your iq is literally beyond genius, your eq (emotional quotient) is that of a 15 year old. you advised me that you have been seeing a girl for a little over a month and then wished me “all the best” in that last email. but you know what, i do not buy it… you were grabbing at straws for a burn… trying to rile and incite me, but you know what… it takes much more than that… 

 being sensitive to your eq and who you are as a person, i have treated you with kid-gloves, because i know that while you can dish it at this level, you most certainly cannot take it… when you previously told me that “you definitely don’t want to hurt [me]” and that “[you] just miss [me]”, i believe you. when you shared that you found me to be a “funny, fun, smart, and delightful person” as well as an “accomplished storyteller”, whose company you enjoyed, i know that you were being completely sincere, as you are the consummate critic and give compliments less than sparingly… 

 what really tipped me off to your feelings that you cannot face, were your comments that you did want me to share my dating stories with you… you said &#8211; and I quote &#8211; “You're wrong about my not wanting to hear stories about your dating though. Not because it wouldn't be a bit of a blow to my ego or because I wouldn't be a little jealous, I probably would.” 

 now, if it is so that my dating other people would cause ego blows and jealously, that says to me right there that you indeed have feelings for me. what it comes down to is that you are scared. the prospect of committing emotionally &#8211; to anyone - scares the living daylights out of you… being that you have the eq and perhaps even the actual dating experience of a high schooler, i understand. i accept this. 

 when you finally get it through your thick skull that if you want to have the pleasure of my company, step up and ask me out.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jan 14, 2008)

Dear lipmixgirl,

Forgive me if I am overstepping my boundaries - BUT - you are so much better that this guy. You deserve so much more. Been there - done that - walked away and found my happy ending.

I wish you the best,

sandie Z





lipmixgirl said:


> dear mr. dumass,
> 
> my last (as in very last until you pony up) email contact to you said if you ever want to take me out on a romantic date, dont hestitate to call (and i am completely serious about that )and what happened? you became angry it pissed you off and you felt the need to lash out only in a way befitting of 10th grade. i understand that your iq and eq are grossly imbalanced while your iq is literally beyond genius, your eq (emotional quotient) is that of a 15 year old. you advised me that you have been seeing a girl for a little over a month and then wished me all the best in that last email. but you know what, i do not buy it you were grabbing at straws for a burn trying to rile and incite me, but you know what it takes much more than that
> 
> ...


----------



## Mini (Jan 14, 2008)

Dear Mini,

You rule!

Sincerely,

Mini


----------



## supersoup (Jan 15, 2008)

dearest maggie,

i understand that my falling asleep on the couch with you out of the crate is my own fault. i shouldn't have laid down, or i should have crated you, or had josh take you upstairs...BUT FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DID YOU *HAVE* TO TAKE EVERY WEE PIECE OF GARBAGE OUT OF THE CAN AND LAY IT SOMEWHERE?! 

mad at you but not really,
manda

----------------------------------------------------------------------

dear chapstick,

kindly sprout legs and a brain, so that the next time i do my laundry, you can take yourself out of my pocket, and NOT end up as wee spots i need to pretreat and re-wash.

eff you,
manda

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

hey me,

how YOU doin'? the couch print on the side of your face is sex-ay.

:batting:
me


----------



## Donna (Jan 15, 2008)

Dear Clients;
You were, at one time, the highlight of my day and a big reason why I haul my pain-ridden carcass into the office every day. I know a great many of you do not like to deal with my coworkers because they don't know your account inside and out like I do. And your feedback and communication has been excellent. Until now that is.

I sent no less than three letters and made two phone calls to each of you to personally advise you that December 31, 2007 is not only the end of the calendar year, but also the end of the fiscal payroll year. The form you signed and returned to me shortly before Christmas acknowledges that any wages, adjustments, 1099 payments, etc reported after that date would result in charges for prior quarter/year adjustments and possibly more charges if tax returns had to be amended. It is now January 15th and therefore I am NOT being unreasonable when I charge you to amend returns. If you knew what some of my coworkers charge for the same work, you would probably have a minor coronary attack.

Further, please stop complaining when I call to ask you for permission to release information to your new CPA or when I call to get clarification or additional information on a payroll that has been submitted. No, you do NOT pay me to "figure it out" and I am not a mind reader. I am a reporting agent. I do not own your business and I am definitely not your CPA. 

Speaking of CPAs, please advise me if it is permissible to speak with or release reports to your CPA or banking representative. IN this day and age of identity theft run amuck, I would HOPE you would be thankful I am doing everything possible to protect your sensitive data and the sensitive data of your employees. I will never assume someone who is not on your authorized contact list is ok. I believe this is the same thing my supervisor told you when you called her to tattle on me, yes?

I understand your time is precious and you have your hands full running a small business in these tough economic times. I make every attempt to be respectful of your time and not waste it, please show me the same courtesy.

Respectfully, 
Your Very Stressed Payroll Specialist


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 17, 2008)

Dear QB1,

Know what's hot? You calling to see how I am.

Thanks,

Casey


----------



## ValentineBBW (Jan 17, 2008)

mossystate said:


> Valentine, such an angering and sad situation. I am glad that physically, you did not have a more horrible time of it.
> !



Dear Mossy,

Thank you. Yes, thankfully it wasn't any worse, though my knee would beg to differ but it will heal. That which doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger....or it is crabby? I always forget 


lipmixgirl said:


> dearest becky,
> 
> while i am greatly pained that you had to endure the whole "salon episode" (which i hope that you are not physically injured), i am even more upset that i was unable to be there to provide you assistance...
> 
> ...


 
Aris, darling, first thank you very much, I know you would have been great help. Second, could NYC handle both of us and all that fabulous? 

Move date: thinking spring, winter seems to harsh 

love ya sweet pea :batting:


----------



## JoyJoy (Jan 18, 2008)

Dr. K, 

Once again...I am *not* here solely to do your bidding. You do not sign my paycheck and are most certainly *not* my boss. I will not drop everything else in order to do what you ask, I will not put my phone calls on hold simply because you need to speak with me, and I will not bend down and kiss your feet. Your rudeness does nothing to make me want to help you...in fact, it creates an urge to do the exact opposite. You'll just have to do what everyone else in the department does...wait their turn and realize that Dr. S comes first, period. You want to be first? Get your own department chair position and your own goddamn assistant. Otherwise, here are a couple of handy tips to go by:

If you walk up to my desk and I'm on the phone...WALK AWAY AND COME BACK WHEN I'M NOT ON THE PHONE. DO NOT STAND NEXT TO ME REPEATING MY NAME AND EXPECT ME TO STOP MY CALL JUST FOR YOU. 

If you let me know you need something done...DON'T NAG ME ABOUT IT EVERY HOUR ASKING IF IT'S DONE. Besides Dr. S, there are, at any given time, at least 5 other people waiting for me to complete something, all of whom would like it done NOW. All will be done in time, and nagging only serves to piss me off. So BACK OFF.

Your PhD does not trump my common sense. I do know what I'm talking about on many things. I don't try to tell you how to run your trials, don't tell me how to do my job. Thanks. 

Sincerely, 

Not Your Assistant


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 19, 2008)

Valentine, that must have been awful. I hope your knee heals quick.


----------



## Santaclear (Jan 19, 2008)

Dear angry Joy,

That doctor needs to back off. 

Sincerely, 

Your Devoted Fan


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 19, 2008)

Dear Subconcious AM, 

Please knock it off. Please. 

I know my head is sort of messed up with a lot of things going on right now, but these dreams that make me feel sad and lonely, but seem so real I wake up wanting to make phone calls? They've got to stop.

Two nights is enough. If it's a reminder that certain things are really important to me, I get it. If it's a foreshadowing of things to come, I don't want to know that.... If it's just my screwed up head turning passing insecurities into full blown scenarios of how things will fall apart - well then I guess the note should be to me. 

Hope you can do something about this.

Signed, 
Conscious AM


----------



## Mini (Jan 19, 2008)

Dear body,

OK, you've got your drugs. Quit it with the withdrawal. It's not funny anymore.

Sincerely,

Michael


----------



## Jane (Jan 19, 2008)

Mini said:


> Dear body,
> 
> OK, you've got your drugs. Quit it with the withdrawal. It's not funny anymore.
> 
> ...




effexor? or heroin? or, is there a difference...


----------



## Mini (Jan 19, 2008)

Jane said:


> effexor? or heroin? or, is there a difference...



The legal one. 

Forgot to have it for a couple days. It's fun!


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 19, 2008)

Mini said:


> The legal one.
> 
> Forgot to have it for a couple days. It's fun!




Oh yeah, really not fun.... I haven't been there, but been around someone going through it... be careful, you. Please.


----------



## Jane (Jan 19, 2008)

Mini said:


> The legal one.
> 
> Forgot to have it for a couple days. It's fun!



Filed under "I told you so." I wish they had started you on something other than effexor.


----------



## JoyJoy (Jan 19, 2008)

Santaclear said:


> Dear angry Joy,
> 
> That doctor needs to back off.
> 
> ...





Dear Devoted Fan, 

:wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu::wubu:

Sincerely,

Not Angry Joy


----------



## Donna (Jan 19, 2008)

Dear Non-Angry Joy and Devoted Joy Fan, 

Get a room already....:kiss2:

Love and kisses, 
'Lish


----------



## Blackjack (Jan 19, 2008)

Dear Co-Worker,

Please stop wearing that perfume. It reminds me all too much of someone- not *The One Who Got Away*, but *The One That I Was Too Chicken To Catch*. It hurts, dammit.

Sincerely, 
The guy with the ever-changing nametag


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jan 19, 2008)

Dear Apartment,

Yes, I know that I'm the one whose neglected you this past week. Things have been harrowing and the last thing I've wanted to do is to clean you and take care of you. So, this is all I'm asking..would you please allow me to just wiggle my nose and you clean yourself? PLEASEEEEEE???


Your slob tenant,

Misty


----------



## Jane (Jan 20, 2008)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Apartment,
> 
> Yes, I know that I'm the one whose neglected you this past week. Things have been harrowing and the last thing I've wanted to do is to clean you and take care of you. So, this is all I'm asking..would you please allow me to just wiggle my nose and you clean yourself? PLEASEEEEEE???
> 
> ...



Dear Misty, 

I understand. Ever since I heard that childhood story of the elves coming in and making shoes for the cobbler every night, I've wondered, "Where are my damned elves?"


----------



## MisticalMisty (Jan 20, 2008)

Jane said:


> Dear Misty,
> 
> I understand. Ever since I heard that childhood story of the elves coming in and making shoes for the cobbler every night, I've wondered, "Where are my damned elves?"



Dear Jane,

Sometimes my roommate eats like there's no tomorrow..maybe he ate my elves by mistake.

I shall throttle him if I find this to be the case. 

Misty

P.S. Living room and kitchen are CLEAN...woo hoo baby


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Body,

We went to sleep at 9 PM. I wanted to stay up and screw around, but was essentially fine with this. I'm a team player. I get you your exercise and whatever other crap you need.

Wanting to get up and eat at 11 PM, two hours after I agreed to sleep, is ridiculous. 

More importantly, your options are eating what's alreay prepared, or easy to prepare, in the house. Oatmeal or soy cheese pizza or an energy bar or liquid meal replacement. None of those sound good, but I don't give a shit. Quit whining and go back to sleep if you don't like the options. I don't have time for this. We can discuss going to IHOP in the morning, but right now, shut up. There are no french fries and I'm not driving us downtown to In-n-Out Burger just for that.

Love,

The Brain


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear people who used to own my house,

I understand moving is crazy. This will be my 7th move in the last 3 1/2 years, so no one knows better than I how it can turn your memory for non-moving stuff into a sieve. I can even forgive you for not calling me to inform me when you'd be moving out and having the electricity turned off, although I was counting on you to do that as you had a way to contact me directly but I had to contact you through the agent who was less concerned about details after we closed. It's not your fault that DTE couldn't hook up service for a whole week, despite the 0° temps last night.

What I cannot fathom, however, is leaving your food in the fridge when you left. I know I'm getting a new fridge, but food still goes bad in the meantime. Would it really have been that difficult to get a big garbage bag and just toss it all in there, Tupperware and all?

At least the freezing temperatures in the house will keep things refrigerated sufficiently until I can get over there with a garbage bag of my own.

Signed,

Someone who thinks she should add maid service to your rental bill


----------



## Placebo (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear me,

Try to remember this thread in the clubhouse, and not just the one on the public boards.

PS: STOP forgetting your cellphone in random locations. It's impeding my social and more importantly my love life kthnx.

PPS: build a time machine, jump 20 years into the future and have one permanently installed in your cranium then jump back to the present or krazy glue the damn thing to your wrist...which ever is cheaper.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Placebo,
You're not alone. Last night I was getting ready for bed and couldn't find my phone. I went out in the snow and cold to look for it in the car, with no luck. I was like "Oh, no, I must have left it at the house of the family I sat for tonight," and went to go back in. I turned around, and there it was, lying in the snow next to the car, where I had apparently dropped it from my pocket when exiting the car earlier. That poor little phone was in the snow for two hours. Luckily, it still works!

If I didn't have text messaging capability, I would be very lonely. lol.


----------



## Ash (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Ginny,

This is what your bra is for. I'd never know where the hell my phone was if it weren't for that. 

Ashley



Dear Keith,

The above solution doesn't help you at all. Sorry! 

Ash


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Ashley,
Hahahaha. You would think I would have picked that up from you guys at NYE. 

Dear Keith,
Just grow boobs. It can't be THAT hard.


----------



## Jane (Jan 20, 2008)

Or glue them on...whatever is cheaper.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 20, 2008)

Missa,

Oh my gosh, that's AWFUL. Are you okay? Is your son okay? Let us know what comes of that bystander's report!

Signed,

A worried BBMe


----------



## Ash (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear *********** car rental company,

For the love of God, could you pull your heads out of your asses for just a moment? It was YOUR fault when you invoiced my previous employer for my rental instead of charging it to my credit card. Your paperwork proves that. However, I've been very understanding. It was a mistake. So I called you a month ago and the charge was made and all was good. Or so I thought. WHY are you invoicing my former employer still? You've received payment, in full, and I have statements to prove it. If your rep acts shitty with me when I call THIS time, I won't be polite. 

Sincerely,
Disgruntled former patron


Dear Purchasing Manager for former employer,

I understand this situation is shitty, and I'm taking care of it. Hell, I thought it had been taken care of already. I would have known A LOT sooner that it wasn't if you had CALLED ME. Instead, you talked to my aunt (who happens to work there) about it. Unprofessional. So, then she should have CALLED ME. But she did not. She called MY MOM. Fucking-A people. I am an adult, and I pay my own bills. My mom hasn't been supporting me since I was 16. And I live three times as far away from her as I do from you. Luckily she was the one person in this situation who decided to CALL ME. Please refrain from tattling on me in the future. It's fucking embarrassing. 

Sincerely,

Your former (THANK GOD!) coworker.


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Onyx and Lips-
Please know that I AM coming back and I didn't abandon you. Every kitty I see makes me think of you little buggers. Big snuggles.
-Love your Mom

Dear Linds- I am glad you took some time to think rationally about going back to school. School is always a great idea. But committing yourself to 5 1/2 years to get out of law school while raising a kid alone will be hard. Plus all the hours of hard work afterwards will cut into Mommy and Cait time. I only want you to be happy and successful but think everything out first before you jump head first into school.
From Sashers


Jack- NYC! Thats a dream. You have the talents and you and Jen would have the time of your lives. To say you followed your dream and moved to NYC for a career in theater is brave. It will be hard, but if it's for something you love, it will be worth it.
-Bang!

Dear weather-
Lighten the fuck up will ya??
From,
Fat girl without a raincoat


----------



## Miss Vickie (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Plastics Nurse and Doc,

First to the nurse. Thank you for spending 20 minutes on the phone with me yesterday, listening to me crying. Thanks for not belittling my fears and pain, and for truly trying to get to the bottom of where I hurt, and how I hurt, and truly understanding that I'm very afraid. You are marvelous.

And to the doctor: thank you for listening to your nurse and for prescribing me Valium to get me over this difficult time. You are awesome!

Dear other nurse: telling me I need to wean off my pain meds when I'm in excruciating pain, crying and scared, is really mean. You suck. I'm really trying not to be a pain in the ass but you're not helping.

Love,

Moi


----------



## Jane (Jan 20, 2008)

Miss Vickie said:


> Dear Plastics Nurse and Doc,
> 
> First to the nurse. Thank you for spending 20 minutes on the phone with me yesterday, listening to me crying. Thanks for not belittling my fears and pain, and for truly trying to get to the bottom of where I hurt, and how I hurt, and truly understanding that I'm very afraid. You are marvelous.
> 
> ...



Vickie, I'm asking you for the sake of other patients to make kind of an issue about other nurse's attitude next time you see the doctor. They need to know these things.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 20, 2008)

Dear Ash half Mash, 

I require info on this car company since I'm renting a car in a couple of weeks and I don't want anyone calling my aunt. She wouldn't know how to reach me. 



Sincerely, 

AnnMarie half of nuttin'


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 20, 2008)

Placebo said:


> Dear me,
> 
> Try to remember this thread in the clubhouse, and not just the one on the public boards.
> 
> ...



Dear Keith,

QB1 has this nifty little thing that clips to his belt that stretches out so it's like a corded phone. He's got nerve damage in his hands and therefore drops shit a lot, but the principle is still useful if you tend to set things down and forget them as I do, although I use the boobs or purse trick. Although, technically, I'd surgically give you a boob if needed. You look like you need the body fat, skinny. 

Snarkily,

Casey


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 20, 2008)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Dear Keith,
> 
> QB1 has this nifty little thing that clips to his belt that stretches out so it's like a corded phone. He's got nerve damage in his hands and therefore drops shit a lot, but the principle is still useful if you tend to set things down and forget them as I do, although I use the boobs or purse trick. Although, technically, I'd surgically give you a boob if needed. You look like you need the body fat, skinny.
> 
> ...




Dear Casey, 

This would be a wonderful idea, but knowing dear Keith as I do, if he had a nifty thing hitched to his pants, he'd just lose his pants. 

Resigned, 
AnnMarie


----------



## supersoup (Jan 20, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Dear Ash half Mash,
> 
> I require info on this car company since I'm renting a car in a couple of weeks and I don't want anyone calling my aunt. She wouldn't know how to reach me.
> 
> ...



dearest annmarie,

i'm sorry you did not get the memo. you are annmarie, half of annmakeith.

just-so-you-know,
soup.


dear cough,

leave me the eff alone already, i'm tired of hacking my brains out. i'm also tired of smelling like vaporub all the time. 

psh,
soup.


dear jessica, 

i think it's awesome you call me soup all the time now. also, driving an hour to sonic on friday was so worth it. woot for peanut butter shakes, chili cheese tots, and cheesecake bites!

love you,
tatertotbaconsoup


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 20, 2008)

Soup, 

Did not get that memo. It's a bit clunky... but we'll figure something out. 

I'm not sure Keith is ready for a merge, he's just getting settled in with PlaKeithBo. 

AM

PS hate you for your sonic-eatin ways. 

Love you for your other ways.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 20, 2008)

I personally like "Plannmarie" myself.


----------



## supersoup (Jan 20, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Soup,
> 
> Did not get that memo. It's a bit clunky... but we'll figure something out.
> 
> ...




annmarie, my fatty sensei,

blame the target brand nyquil. it is my sustenance these days.

also, i will discover a way to make sonic crankcreas friendly. jessica, she's good at the sciences, specially the chemistry.

<3
soup


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 20, 2008)

Soupy, 

I'm hitting the Sonic temple when we get off the plane in Houston. It's 2.3 miles from the airport. I'm going to do my best not to end up in a TX hospital.... perhaps just a lovely orange slushie thing and some tater tots. 

And some sort of chicken-like sandwich. 

Keith can go hog-wild. 

And yes, please tell Jes science needs a way for crankcreas' to eat Sonic without worry. It is imperative to world.... health. Peace. I don't know, whatever will make her believe it. 

AM


----------



## Ash (Jan 20, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Soupy,
> 
> I'm hitting the Sonic temple when we get off the plane in Houston. It's 2.3 miles from the airport. I'm going to do my best not to end up in a TX hospital.... perhaps just a lovely orange slushie thing and some tater tots.
> 
> ...



AM,

Oh god. Have some tots for me. So good. But please to stay out of hospitalz. Talk nicely to captain crankreas and maybe he'll give you a pass for the meal. No? Damn. 

Ash


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Jan 21, 2008)

Dear Depression,

*sigh* why are you back? CAn't you leave me alone? That dark room you take me to is unpleasant and cramped. Why can't you just go find someone else to torment? You showed up right on schedule right after they took my Pearlie away isn't that enough?? I get it - when life starts to look OK you have to come back and teach me once again that YOU can take over my life and I'll never see it coming. I get it - you own me. 

please go away - don't make me lose anyone else right now because I become such a bitch when you're here. please go away. 

me


----------



## butch (Jan 21, 2008)

Dear brain,

Stop filling me with crazy scenarios of my own death. Yes, I have unexplained back pain; and yes, for two days before that I had strange and rare stomach bloating that hurt and would not go away; and yes, Friday night I had a painful gall bladder attack; but no, this does not mean I have pancreatic cancer. So, stop thinking about how you'll spend the last 6 months of your life, and recognize that this is the beginning of your semester, and you have less than two months to finalize your dissertation, and you have not begun work on your proposal; and that you are in a funk in general, and recognize that all this illness is your way, brain, of making me try and find a way out of my stress. It won't work-I'm on to your little tricks, cerebrum!

Brain, just get me to buckle down and do my work-I have all the time in the world. Oh, and get over your anxiety about flying and hurry up and buy our ticket to San Francisco, OK? They aren't getting any cheaper, I'm guessing.

Love,
Me


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 21, 2008)

Dear you-know-what,

Hurry up and get here already! I'm impatient! 

Dear V-Day,

See above! 

Dear family friend,

You and I talked, years ago, about how you've put your young daughter on a diet. I poured my heart out to you about how the same thing had been done to me when I was young, and about how that was what started the binge eating disorder I struggled with for years until I got help. I wrote a piece about growing up, and the dieting, and how I only ever talked about calories and weight, and how all my school papers from elementary school are about that very thing, and about how it makes me sad. I expressed worry to you about how your daughter would follow the same path. You read what I wrote, and told me your daughter would never sneak food like I did, and told me it wasn't at all the same thing. 

That was two years ago. Now, she only ever talks about food and diets and calories, and Saturday, you discovered she was sneaking food.  Can you REALLY not see that it IS the same. exact. thing?

I do not regret who I am today - I would not go back and change it even if I could. But I also don't want to see her go down the same path - I know what lies ahead for her if she does.

Please stop controlling her in regards to food - things will only get worse. And take her to an eating disorders specialist. If she doesn't develop binge eating disorder, dollars to donuts it's going to be bulimia. PLEASE don't let this happen. 

-Ginny


----------



## mossystate (Jan 21, 2008)

Dear Philip,

Hey, big brother, I have a request. Leave me the fuck alone. I sent you all the family photos I have, so, stop with the sending emails, asking for those four pictures, which could be in the posession of any of your eight OTHER siblings. Oldest sis/cyst told you a lie about sending me an email 6 weeks ago, asking me to scan the pictures, or get them back to you. She never responded to me about my telling her that any email a person has ever sent...can be found. She never found the phantom email, and you never got back to me, apologizing for the accusation.

How many other people in this family have original pictures they are not coughing up. How many of those people have you harrassed about it. I can answer that...ZERO. You would not treat anybody else in this family the way you are treating me. I want you to grow up. You are, what, 57, and you still cannot bring yourself to visit the graves of your Mom and Dad. Go get some fucking therapy. I cannot really help, or care about, the fact that you are emotionally crippled. Just stop bullying me. You did not know Mom. You avoided her because, gee, she could sometimes be a little difficult. Yeah, aging, being alone, not having a few of your sons who live a few minutes from you ever really come over to either do something for you, or, gasp, visit just because it is the right thing to do and you should want to, considering that she was not a monster and had done a hell of a lot for you..yeah, amazing how the being ' difficult ' was one-sided.

I don't wish you harm, but, you are pitiful. Go have your boring, simp of a wife, coddle your lame ego. You better hope that your two seemingly wonderful, yet self-absorbed adult kids do not treat YOU the same..when you get to an age where you need a certain amount of kindness and looking after. You will be fucked..hard.

Thanks for making me, once again, feel nervous, shaky and tearful..not because you hurt me..but because you did your best to try and taint what I did for a certain woman, and continue to do so. Does it piss you off that, while she loved us all the same, she LIKED me better?...too bad.

M


----------



## Jane (Jan 21, 2008)

Dear Mossy's brother:

Kiss our collective ass.

Love and kisses,

The Dims Gals


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 21, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear family friend,
> 
> You and I talked, years ago, about how you've put your young daughter on a diet. I poured my heart out to you about how the same thing had been done to me when I was young, and about how that was what started the binge eating disorder I struggled with for years until I got help. I wrote a piece about growing up, and the dieting, and how I only ever talked about calories and weight, and how all my school papers from elementary school are about that very thing, and about how it makes me sad. I expressed worry to you about how your daughter would follow the same path. You read what I wrote, and told me your daughter would never sneak food like I did, and told me it wasn't at all the same thing.
> 
> ...



Dear family friend of Ginny's,

Maybe you'll get when a chunk of your daughter's heart dies. And that isn't a cutesy, emotional reference. I mean when she finally has a heart attack as a result of this shit. 

Bitterly,

Me


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 21, 2008)

Thank you, Casey, for acknowledging my post. This was one of those posts that I really needed....to be acknowledged. I know you know where I'm coming from, exactly, even if it's from the other side. We're a lot more alike than we know - and I do NOT want this for this wonderful little girl. ((((((((Casey))))))))


----------



## mossystate (Jan 21, 2008)

Dear Dims Gals,

I thank youse..esssess


MossyS


----------



## Tad (Jan 22, 2008)

I'm behind on reading this thread :doh:

Butch: So, what has your anxiety levels so cranked up? Seems to me that what you are describing sure sounds like the reaction to the anxiety metre being cranked up?

BBM: Oh, that has to be heart breaking to witness  I'm sure you must be so frustrated, but it is hard to think of what more you can really do? Unless you could actually talk to the daughter? Don't know if your friend would be cool with that or not?

Mossy: There is a reason that police always suspect the family when there is a murder. Who else can drive us quite as crazy? No idea of how to deal with your brother, but oh man do I hear you.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Jan 22, 2008)

Ed, I try to be an example to her. Let her see that it's possible to be large, but still dress well, live well, date cute guys, etc. It's hard, though. She's pretty brainwashed. When I told her yesterday that I told the car salesman I needed four belt extenders so I could drive my fat self and my fat friends around, and then laughed, her eyes got really wide. She couldn't believe I was calling myself fat like it was a GOOD thing. Obviously, I still have my work cut out for me.


----------



## Tina (Jan 22, 2008)

Dear Bod,

Thank you for letting up on the sciatica enough so that I could actually participate with friends here today. I've missed this.

Please continue same.

Moi


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Jan 22, 2008)

Dear Tina,

I feel better when you're back and present on the boards. I realize that sounds stupid and crazy, but true.

Crazily (and a little stupidly),

Case


----------



## Tina (Jan 22, 2008)

It feels better having you back too, my dear. You were sorely missed and I'm very glad you're back.

How is your butt, cutie? Hope you've got soft pillows to sit on.


----------



## supersoup (Jan 23, 2008)

rep system,

eff you. i ran out of bacon rep before i could give some to the newly wedded betsy ooh.

huffed off, 
manda


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jan 24, 2008)

Dear Job,

I love you and I care about our future, but I just think I might need to give notice and move on this summer.

Thing is, I can't until I know what's _next_, and that's why I don't.

So, I guess, once I figure out what's _next_, you'll be hearing from me.

So tired of overworkedunderappreciated,

T


----------



## Tina (Jan 24, 2008)

supersoup said:


> rep system,
> 
> eff you. i ran out of bacon rep before i could give some to the newly wedded betsy ooh.
> 
> ...


I'll go get her for you -- for both of us -- manda.


----------



## supersoup (Jan 24, 2008)

Tina said:


> I'll go get her for you -- for both of us -- manda.



thanks!!


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Jan 24, 2008)

Changed my mind on this one..


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Jan 26, 2008)

Dear new guy:

Welcome to my ignore list. I can already tell we will have absolutely nothing in common just from your username. I feel no regrets about this decision, only a calm satisfaction knowing I won't accidentally be forced to view your pictures or hear about your obsession.

-RW


----------



## Carrie (Jan 26, 2008)

Dear Person, 

Well, that was a predictable response. 

Sincerely,
~Me.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 26, 2008)

Carrie said:


> Dear Person,
> 
> Well, that was a predictable response.
> 
> ...



I got one of those today as well! Quite sure it wasn't the same, but it's always nice when people don't surprise you - and no, this is NOT about anyone in the clubhouse. Sheesh.


----------



## supersoup (Jan 26, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> I got one of those today as well! Quite sure it wasn't the same, but it's always nice when people don't surprise you - and no, this is NOT about anyone in the clubhouse. Sheesh.



yuh huh.

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT ME.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 26, 2008)

supersoup said:


> yuh huh.
> 
> IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT ME.




Hush up, woman. Get to makin' me some cupcakes.


----------



## Carrie (Jan 26, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> I got one of those today as well! Quite sure it wasn't the same, but it's always nice when people don't surprise you - and no, this is NOT about anyone in the clubhouse. Sheesh.


Yupyupyup. 

I'm making cupcakes for a co-worker's birthday this week! I'm sad, though, because I couldn't find tiny little ninja figurines to put on them. He would've like that a lot.


----------



## Ash (Jan 26, 2008)

Carrie said:


> I'm making cupcakes for a co-worker's birthday this week!



*gently reminds Carrie how not-far-away she lives*


----------



## supersoup (Jan 26, 2008)

AnnMarie said:


> Hush up, woman. Get to makin' me some cupcakes.



yes dear!!


----------



## Carrie (Jan 26, 2008)

Ashley said:


> *gently reminds Carrie how not-far-away she lives*


In lieu of ninjas, I'm using M&Ms. On top of fudge frosting. :batting:


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 26, 2008)

Carrie said:


> In lieu of ninjas, I'm using M&Ms. On top of fudge frosting. :batting:




M&Ms _are_ awfully stealthy.

And in the interest of keeping things on topic: 

Dear kitchen, 

Please defrost something and whip up some dinner, ok?

Waiting patiently and not terribly thrilled with the cereal I'm eating as "fake dinner", 
AM


----------



## Waxwing (Jan 26, 2008)

Dear Comedy Central:

My resume rocks and you know it. Now call me in for an interview.


----------



## Blackjack (Jan 26, 2008)

Waxwing said:


> Dear Comedy Central:
> 
> My resume rocks and you know it. Now call me in for an interview.



Dear Waxy,

Sorry, but we do not hire Colbert fetishists, just as a general thing.

-Comedy Central


----------



## Waxwing (Jan 26, 2008)

Blackjack said:


> Dear Waxy,
> 
> Sorry, but we do not hire Colbert fetishists, just as a general thing.
> 
> -Comedy Central



HAHA. How sad would it be if that were the reason I went after it. Nah, it's not even for that side of things. So fear not. I'm cool on the fine line between fan and stalker. 

PS: I KNOW you didn't just insult me, Blackjack.


----------



## Blackjack (Jan 26, 2008)

Waxwing said:


> PS: I KNOW you didn't just insult me, Blackjack.



I only tease 'cause I lurve.


----------



## Waxwing (Jan 26, 2008)

Blackjack said:


> I only tease 'cause I lurve.



Just get your mayo and shut up.


----------



## BLUEeyedBanshee (Jan 28, 2008)

Dear Faculty,

It would be in your best interest if you were to stop pissing me off. You see, I may just be the Dean's assistant, but she listens to me. When you act like whiny crybabies, or when you act like the world should bow down to you. It pisses me off. When you expect me to jump through hoops for you. It pisses me off. 

You see that woman, the one who's the Dean, your boss? Well, she has me jumping through enough hoops already. Just because the support staff you hired is incompetent does not mean that I have to pick up their slack. The woman has me editing and submitting at least 2 if not 4 manuscripts a week.

So next time you call me and demand I look at your manuscript, and I tell you to contact the other Elizabeth. The one who was hired to look over and submit and track faculty manuscripts, and you get an attitude with me. I will hang up the phone so I don't tell you exactly where you can shove your paper.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth
The DEAN'S ASSISTANT, not yours.


----------



## supersoup (Jan 29, 2008)

dear conrad,

just wanted to throw another thank you out there to ya. i love this place, and i love the people it has caused to enter my life. thanks for letting so many participate in your vision.

forever in your debt!
soup


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


dear dims,

i love the hell outta you. thanks for the laughs, the friends, the caturday pictures that make me laugh for days, and for making me love myself like i always should have. oh, and sometimes i hit refresh too much, and there's nothing new...so work on that.  

love y'all,
manda


----------



## lipmixgirl (Jan 30, 2008)

dear mr. dumass,

yes, i know that i should not be wasting my precious energy on these replies... however, i haven't had time to write the 2 notes that i need to write... these letters will come... 

p.s. you said you were all for hearing my date stories, that you loved a good "bad date" story... well, you'll be hearing one alright... a great date story... so great in fact that date #2 is next weekend.... BOO-YAH!


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 9, 2008)

Dear Student,

Remember the first day of class, a mere five weeks ago, when we discussed the different roles that Burt and I play in operating this school? Remember how he does the clinical stuff, the grades, and I do the "everything else"? And remember how you spent eight hours with us today? Okay, all that being said, why did you call me on my cell phone, to ask me what your grade meant. :doh: And why, then, did you act surprised when I said I couldn't help you and for you to call HIM. That's what he said, in fact, when he handed them out TODAY: "_See me with any questions._" Instead, though, you call me when I'm in the middle of a store, on a bad cell phone connection, on a Saturday night, to ask me this_ after we spent all day together_.

Then you tell me you don't have his number. Um... it's in your syllabus (first page, in bold), on the business cards we gave you, and in fact the first day of class (see above) we told you to keep it handy if you needed to reach him.

Instead, though, you called me, made me yell to be heard (after having THYROID SURGERY, which means my throat fucking HURTS), made me explain that you needed to talk to him and then made me tell you his cell phone number not once, not twice, but three times.

You should feel grateful I have nothing to do with grades and that I'm not the spiteful sort. As it was, I know I sounded a wee bit irritated but I'm sorry. Only not.

No love,

Me
Not the teacher


----------



## supersoup (Feb 10, 2008)

dear lexington,

thank you for having a sonic on every road. i love you for it. also, thank you for having the RADDEST lane bryant store with a cacique store connected right to it!! oh, and thanks for the rad weather as well.

the only thing that blows is the occupants of our building, and the hotel party they seem to be starting. boo!

still here,
soup


------------------------------------------------------------------------

dear longaberger basket people,

thanks for your enormous basket shaped building. i got some awesomely dorktastic pictures of myself with it. WIN!

yours forever,
soup


----------



## SummerG (Feb 10, 2008)

Dear Oreo Cakesters,

I had hoped you were akin to whoopie pies. You are not. You do, however, taste like heaven in 2 bites you tiny little bastards. 

Angry in love,
Summer


----------



## Chimpi (Feb 11, 2008)

Dear unknown,

I don't know who you are, what you are, or why you are, but you bother me. You and your reminders. You and your unknowing. Why can't you come out of the closet and present yourself? Why must you hide in the shadows? I know you're there. I know you're going to present yourself, especially at the worst moment. Tom Petty says it well: Waiting is the hardest part. So here's to you, unknown. Fuck you.

The guy out of the shadows.


----------



## BeaBea (Feb 18, 2008)

Dear Self

Your date on Wednesday is a charming and intelligent man who has shown you nothing but kindness and is charm personified. Why do you persist in beating yourself up over his lack of FA credentials - if he didn't find you vaguely attractive would he have flirted so outrageously these last two weeks? 

Please tell your insecurities to shut the f*** up so you can enjoy the date. If you could also keep the crazies in check on the night that too would be appreciated.

Me x


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Feb 19, 2008)

Dear Andrew and Barb,

Thanks for the vacation/hospitality. You are both fine people I am not ashamed to know in public. 

Dear Dimmers I didn't get to meet up with, 

I am pretty bummed. I wish there was more vacation time.

Dear People Who Still Have Manners, Decorum, and an Internal Filter,

I don't and often have good intentions. Sorry.


----------



## mossystate (Feb 19, 2008)

Dear Kathy, Phil, Rachel, Jared, Amanda and John.....None of you live more than 20 minutes from the graves of your Mom/Dad, mother-inlaw/father-in-law, Grandma/Grandpa...so, why is it that my sister and moi ( toting two kids ) drove the hour and twenty minutes only to find a gravesite with no flowers ( dried up carns from Xmas, does not count ), and the general area looking so neglected. I do not have a car at this time, so, I must rely on a ride with my sister, who, having two young kids, has a hard time arranging a trek.

You loved these people who are in these boxes..yes? I mean, I remember all the grandstanding. Well, while they are not ' there ', you know that Mom, in particular, would appreciate some attention paid to her final resting place.

Now, we spent 45 minutes cleaning in the cold shade. It was an honor and a pleasure, but, could you all keep it up? Just drive by and take a paper towel to the markers..adjust the few doo-dads that are placed there..shove a fresh bouquet in the in ground vase. The lovely urn, well, that is now filled with the best looking fakes we could find, so at least they will look pretty for a time...see...you don't even have to worry about them..simple enough for you?

You people want to have a party on the first of March. While I will not attend, and neither will Renee, I hope that you all can go to the cemetary, as a group, and cluck your tongues and cry and toast Mom and Dad..you know..make yourselves feel good......................assholes. To John, who has a girlfiend ( who loved my Mom..yeah..right ) living 2 miles from the cemetary, to the sister-in-law who works five blocks from the place, well, I give you both a one finger salute.

Shameful..nothing less than that...

Mom..Dad...I wish I could give your place more attention...forgive me.


A Not Surprised...Monique


----------



## ripley (Feb 20, 2008)

____,

You've got a lot of people fooled...thankfully I'm not one of them any more. Your whole life you've brought nothing but misery to everyone who crosses your path for longer than five seconds, and I'm sure the rest of your life won't be any better.

Really, really, REALLY glad I wised up,

ripley


----------



## TraciJo67 (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear Mossystate,

You are nearly as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.

Now quick, insult me before things get too awkward.

Love 'n stuff,
TrashyHo67


----------



## mossystate (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear TraciJo,

Thanks..that was much appreciated..and I will not make any sarcastic comment..too bad...deal...but, it is so hard.....but, I know I can do it...hit submit, Monique.


----------



## Aliena (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear Mr. Property Owner, 
I really don't appreciate you waiting until today to come into my home, unannounced, and spray primer on the ceiling that's been leaking for over 2-weeks. Especially since today is very cold and there is not any way to ventilate my home without opening up windows and doors to the 35-degree weather outside with wind gust of 20mph!
I especially don't appreciate the fact your guy, who did the spray painting, didn't bother to offer to cover any of my furniture or grandfather clock for spray. 

If I should get more sick than I already am, I'll be sure to come by your office and give each of you a hug and thank you for a job-well-done, only not. 

Thank you, 
DeAnne D. 

P.S. I'm big wet smoocher on the face kinda gal when I give hugs. I hope your staff wont mind.


----------



## alienlanes (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear IIST 538 (Fundamentals of XML) instructor,

You look _exactly_ like Mike Huckabee and it's _weirding me out_!

Sincerely,

Guy in your class who is posting on Dims rather than paying attention to your lecture


----------



## Friday (Feb 21, 2008)

Dear boss who really isn't but can't keep her nose out of stuff,

Yes, I'm aware that I've been out sick for nearly two weeks. Believe me, I've not enjoyed a minute of it. But you know what? When I call to give you the latest Dr's report and you don't bother to ask how I am or how I'm feeling and in fact your only comment is, 'Well, you need to get back here because <fitb> is on vacation next week.', I have absolutely zero motivation to push myself at all. You weren't the least bit worried when we had one out on sick leave, one on vacation and you gave a third person a couple days off leaving me completely alone at the end of the month. So, fuck you. I guess this is why I won that $$$ in Reno, so I can stay home until I am completely and totally well.

I'll see you sometime next month Ms Consideration.

Typhoid Sandi


----------



## MisticalMisty (Feb 24, 2008)

Dear God,

First off, thank You so much for this new career opportunity. I'm very grateful and I hope that I prove myself worthy of such a great chance.


Seriously though..I can't handle anymore heart ache. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. 

I am not sure how many more times I can pick myself up...I'm a fat girl remember?


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear whoever, 

I'm working downstairs today and the pilots are driving me nuts. Can you please tell them that their jokes really aren't very funny, I don't care to hear about the latest rumor of airline mergers, and no it isn't cute when you decide to write something up at the last minute and the flight goes on a mechanical delay?

Thanks, 

Not a morning person


----------



## Tad (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Kitty-Cat;

Please keep living long enough for the kitty doctors to figure out what is killing you, and if they can do anything about it. I know you think the right thing to do right now is find a dark hole and wait to die, and you don't understand why we took you off in the metal monster and gave you to people who put you in a warm box and taped a tube to your paw (fortunately you don't seem to have realized that tube has pointy bit sticking into you) and left you there. It seems very mean to have taken you out of your familiar hiding places. But trust us on this one, there may be an alternative to dying. So please, keep on with the living thing for a couple more days, 'k?

Sincerely;

Lap-Person


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Feb 25, 2008)

Awwwww, Ed.  I hope your kitty makes it through okay. (((((((kitty and kitty's person)))))))


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Feb 25, 2008)

Sorry Edx! I sure do hope your Kitty holds on a little longer. 
My Cat(which is with my step mom) Had kidney stones and we didn't know about it he almost died because of them. It was the food he was eating. Iams is not a good brand to feed cats. He made it trough and now she feeds him and the rest of her Kitties different food. Keep your head up hun.
(((Hugs to you and your kitty)))


----------



## Tad (Feb 25, 2008)

ChimpisDarlingAngel said:


> Sorry Edx! I sure do hope your Kitty holds on a little longer.
> My Cat(which is with my step mom) Had kidney stones and we didn't know about it he almost died because of them. It was the food he was eating. Iams is not a good brand to feed cats. He made it trough and now she feeds him and the rest of her Kitties different food. Keep your head up hun.
> (((Hugs to you and your kitty)))



I can hope it will be that simple. She went downhill quickly, from being apparently fine on Wednesday to needing kitty ICU on Sunday. But the blood they drew on Saturday hasn't shown anything conclusive. Another day at the pet hospital to try and get her electrolytes back in balance and to see if she'll start eating, and some more blood work.....and then it just may be see if she recovers on her own. If she doesn't, anything they can do for her may just be prohibitive in terms of cost and/or kitty quality of life. At the least she should get to go home tomorrow, but whether that is to live out many more years, or to have a last day at home, we just don't know.

Dang.


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Feb 25, 2008)

I am so sorry. I hope she does pull through trough. It I hard to loose a pet. Like I said she is in my prayers. Hugs


----------



## Friday (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Bast,

Please watch over Ed's kitty and know that her family would miss her terribly.

Thanks.


----------



## Tina (Feb 25, 2008)

My dearest hopes that Kitty pulls through, Ed.


----------



## Aliena (Feb 25, 2008)

Ed, I'm truly sorry to hear about your kitty-kat. I am sending prayers and good healthy-vibes yours and kitty's way. Please keep us udated on her health.


----------



## Aliena (Feb 25, 2008)

ChimpisDarlingAngel said:


> It was the food he was eating. Iams is not a good brand to feed cats. He made it trough and now she feeds him and the rest of her Kitties different food. Keep your head up hun.
> (((Hugs to you and your kitty)))




CDA, I feed my kitty's IAMS, what is it about that food which is bad for cats? I just had them in for her yearly and his healthy-start, but the vet didn't say anything about IAMS being bad. 

Please share your experiences.


----------



## AnnMarie (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Ed, 

My boys send their wishes for Ed-cat to heal up and be better - they rubbed their heads all over the monitor on your post, and insisted I tell you. 

I also send mine, but they're super pushy and made me type theirs first. 

AM


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Ed,

I hope your baby feels better soon and that they're able to figure out what's caused this and fix it -- post haste.

Hugs,

Vickie


----------



## ripley (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Ed,

This summer when my dog was so sick, they sent her home to die...and she shocked them all, and us, by rallying. She's doing great, still. Don't give up hope, your kitty might surprise everyone.

Putting your kitty in my prayers.

ripley


----------



## Donna (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Ed's Kitty,

We send our love and prayers and purrs...get better soon, please.

XoXo, 
Caitlyn and Connery

p.s. Mommy says she is praying too and we think we heard her telling those damned dogs to send prayers.


----------



## rainyday (Feb 26, 2008)

Best wishes to your sweet kitty, Ed. Ditto on what Ripley said on pets surprising us with their resiliency.


----------



## rainyday (Feb 26, 2008)

Oh, high speed internet. Welcome back into my life! I have missed you these last couple weeks. I am gorging on you tonight.


----------



## SocialbFly (Feb 26, 2008)

Dear Time Warner,
I hate you.
thanks. 
Me


----------



## SocialbFly (Feb 26, 2008)

Dear Vegas Tomorrow,
YOU BETTER be FUN!!!
Me


----------



## rainyday (Feb 26, 2008)

rainyday said:


> I am gorging on you tonight.



Dear everyone. That was not an "I'll be sly and make a feeding innuendo" comment. Just clarifying.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Feb 26, 2008)

Dear Broken Unity of "Us,"

"Fuck you," was a bit out of line for a response. Try and understand my position though: Major life decision put on my shoulders about your life. I can't deal with that. You are dealing with limited time. I can afford to fuck up things and start fresh. You can't. I could follow you to the ends of the earth, and my life is untouched, but you don't have the freedom on many levels. I'm doing what I'm doing because I care, because I need you to be on the same level, and need you to be 100% with me on this. It can't be all me. I'm sorry. I won't drag you along and have you cry out later that things aren't what you wanted. This falls under the category of, "For your own good." I hope someday you understand why I'm doing this, and the price of your decision. This can't be picked back up, and you'll never understand how much this hurts me.

Just remember, that at one time, you were the beginning and ending of my own world. I will never stop loving you, even if you can't see that right now.

Love, actually, always,

Casey


----------



## butch (Feb 26, 2008)

rainyday said:


> Dear everyone. That was not an "I'll be sly and make a feeding innuendo" comment. Just clarifying.



Dear rainyday,

Drats! Foiled again, .

Dear Ed,

Hope today brings you better news about you kitty, and I'm sorry to hear she's hurting.

Dear Dims folk,

Reading all your kind words to Ed, especially the ones from your pets, reminded me again why I like this place so much. Thank you.

Dear me,

Could you get some actual work done? Proposals don't write themselves, you know.


----------



## Tad (Feb 26, 2008)

edx said:


> IAt the least she should get to go home tomorrow, but whether that is to live out many more years, or to have a last day at home, we just don't know.



She didn't get to come home  

The most we could do was get there to hold her and allow her struggle to finally end. I can't regret that we tried to give her a chance to recover, but I feel sad that most of her last couple of days were in a strange place amongst strangers.


----------



## Aliena (Feb 26, 2008)

edx said:


> She didn't get to come home
> 
> The most we could do was get there to hold her and allow her struggle to finally end. I can't regret that we tried to give her a chance to recover, but I feel sad that most of her last couple of days were in a strange place amongst strangers.





Ed, I'm truly, truly sorry for your loss. I can't express more than that, because truth is words don't fit.. 
You and your family have our deepest symptathies.


----------



## mossystate (Feb 26, 2008)

Aw...ed...so sorry about the little one. I know it is hard to think of your kitty surrounded by strangers, but, she had a job to do in dying, and she was probably at peace and glad she could spare you some things. She knows you did not abandon her...but...yeah...hard to get there right now.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 26, 2008)

Aw, Ed, I'm so sorry.  How sad for all of you. You'll be in my thoughts; I know that recovering from the loss of a pet is very hard. (((((((Ed)))))))


----------



## jamie (Feb 26, 2008)

ed,
I was praying for a different outcome. Sorry for you and your family's loss. Take care of yourselves.


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 26, 2008)

Dear headache,

Go away. I know you're my punishment for eating chocolate last night, but I gave you Motrin. No hush up and go 'way. Now.

No love,

Me


----------



## rainyday (Feb 26, 2008)

Oh, Ed.  Condolences to you and your family.




butch said:


> Dear rainyday,
> 
> Drats! Foiled again, .



Swells with pride at getting a reply from Butch. There ya go.


----------



## Tina (Feb 26, 2008)

(((((Ed))))) My condolences to you and your family. I don't think you should feel too bad, though, about her being at the vet. After all, isn't this the kitty you rescued from what would have been a life of pain and strife? She was loved and treated with care by you and your family. I'm glad you were able to be there at the end for her, so that you were her last sensory experience.


----------



## Friday (Feb 26, 2008)

Dear Ed and Family,

I am so sorry. I know how this hurts. Kitty will be waiting across the bridge.


----------



## AnnMarie (Feb 26, 2008)

Aww, Ed, I'm sorry. Ugh, if I think about it too long, I'll be crying... these pet passings just hurt so much.


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Feb 26, 2008)

Aliena said:


> CDA, I feed my kitty's IAMS, what is it about that food which is bad for cats? I just had them in for her yearly and his healthy-start, but the vet didn't say anything about IAMS being bad.
> 
> Please share your experiences.


It was a couple of years ago. All I remember is that he was really sick and weak and he had started to pee on the carpet in the dining room. So My Step-Mom took him to the Vet she goes to an all Cats Vet. They did some test and found out he had kidney stones and caught it right in time. She said it had to due with Iams Cat Food and to stop feeding the cats it and change it a cat food that is Urinary Track. Which she did and he doesn't have any problems anymore. I remember her mentioning something about sand grains. I can't remember it all though. Sorry. Her Vet said to take them off of it so she did. The older cat was fine. Not sure.



edx said:


> She didn't get to come home
> 
> The most we could do was get there to hold her and allow her struggle to finally end. I can't regret that we tried to give her a chance to recover, but I feel sad that most of her last couple of days were in a strange place amongst strangers.


Aww.. I am so sorry this news brought me to tears. Just know that she is in a better place and not in pain anymore. You and your Family are in my thoughts.  I was hoping for better news. (((((Ed)))))


----------



## Tad (Feb 27, 2008)

Dear, lovely, posters who sent kind words and thoughts regarding our kitty;

Thank you so much. It was all much appreciated, and showed once again what a great community Dimensions is.

We had something of a memorial dinner for her last night, symbolic in various ways, and I think we all felt somewhat better after that. There will still be sadness, but different from that first, raw, pain. It will be a while before I can come downstairs in the morning without looking for her dirty food bowls to clean, and probably even longer before I can turn on the fire place without thinking how happy she’d be. And speaking from past experience, tuna simply never tastes as good when you don’t have a cat to share it with. 

But the healing of hearts has started, and being able to talk about it herer was a part of that of that for me, and it allowed me to help my son and wife too, so thank you all again.

Regards;

-Ed


----------



## BLUEeyedBanshee (Feb 27, 2008)

Aw Ed, so sorry to hear It's good you guys had a memorial dinner for her. I think it is always a good thing to bring about closure of any kind. 

I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers during this healing time.


----------



## Sandie_Zitkus (Feb 27, 2008)

Dear ________,

I ended our friendship a long time ago, for good reasons. Now, YOU want to talk? Stay gone.

Sandie


----------



## Tina (Feb 27, 2008)

edx said:


> We had something of a memorial dinner for her last night, symbolic in various ways, and I think we all felt somewhat better after that.


What a lovely idea, Ed.

I'm not sure we ever fully heal from losing a loved one -- human or animal -- but I like the memorial dinner idea and am glad that the healing has started.


----------



## Missy9579 (Feb 27, 2008)

Dear Flu

You have been ruining my life for 4 days now. You have taken any decent wink of sleep from me. And also from Tim. We are tired, and need a good nights sleep. I would also like to be able to swallow without wincing in pain. I have paid my dues for not getting a flu shot. Please go away

Thank you
one sickly tired miserable fed up fat girl


----------



## Renaissance Woman (Feb 27, 2008)

Dear Body,

You got your damn Celexa. I'm sorry that you went a week without it, but there's only so much I can do when the pharmacy and my doctor's office refuse to communicate with each other. Now stop with the dizziness, tiredness, weird visual stuff, and paranoia, would you? 

-Me


----------



## liz (di-va) (Feb 27, 2008)

Ed, I'm so sorry about your kitty. If it's any consolation...and I don't mean to be gruesome...cats are kinda funny about death sometimes; they like to go away to do it. So she might have understood the situation better than anybody, who knows. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. And as usual in this kind of situation, when talking about her, you've also told us more about yourself. About what a caring, creative (memorial dinner! that is wonderful), sweet, sharing guy you are.


----------



## supersoup (Feb 27, 2008)

dearest ashley,

your breasts are magnificent. so much so, that you make me love candy cans more now!! 

with undying love for your 'candy cans',
soupy


----------



## FreeThinker (Feb 27, 2008)

edx said:


> It will be a while before I can come downstairs in the morning without looking for her dirty food bowls to clean, and probably even longer before I can turn on the fire place without thinking how happy shed be.



Ed, it's been a few years since Esmeralda last padded the floors of my house, and there are still times when I block the door with my foot when I come back from work, or move something away from the edge of a table, or think that a noise from another room means she just jumped down.

Only now when I do it, it makes me smile.


It was knowing them that makes missing them worthwile.


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Feb 27, 2008)

Ed,
FreeThinker said it best! What a good idea to have a memorial dinner in her honor. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. 
((((BIG HUGS))))


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 28, 2008)

Dear Electric Teakettle,

I love you. You heat up my tea water nice and quickly, just the thing first thing on a cold Alaskan morning. Please, don't ever break, okay?

Love,

The grumpy lady in the blue bathrobe


----------



## Carrie (Feb 28, 2008)

Miss Vickie said:


> Dear Electric Teakettle,
> 
> I love you. You heat up my tea water nice and quickly, just the thing first thing on a cold Alaskan morning. Please, don't ever break, okay?
> 
> ...



Vicki, I'm cc-ing my own electric teakettle on this, as I sip my own lovely hot tea. :wubu:


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Feb 29, 2008)

Carrie said:


> Vicki, I'm cc-ing my own electric teakettle on this, as I sip my own lovely hot tea. :wubu:


I third that... I love mine too! My mom gave me one for I think Christmas 2 years ago. I love it! Mine is packed away right now though..


----------



## BLUEeyedBanshee (Feb 29, 2008)

Dear Snow:

I have issued a cease and desist order. You have yet to comply. Your cooperation in this matter is of the utmost importance. Please comply immediately, there are people who long to look at green grass.

- Irate Detroiter


----------



## BeaBea (Feb 29, 2008)

Dear Americans

have you any idea how adorable you sound when you call a Kettle a 'Teakettle'? Seriously, it makes you sound very exotic and foreign and has made me fall in love with you all over again :wubu:

Tracey xx


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 29, 2008)

BeaBea said:


> Dear Americans
> 
> have you any idea how adorable you sound when you call a Kettle a 'Teakettle'? Seriously, it makes you sound very exotic and foreign and has made me fall in love with you all over again :wubu:
> 
> Tracey xx



LOL! You guys just call it a "kettle"? Not a "tea kettle"? Huh. 

How funny that we sound exotic and foreign to you. I pretty much love anything my English and Scottish friends say for the very same reasons; I think we 'mericans sound mighty dull.

Guess it's a mutual admiration society! :wubu:


----------



## TraciJo67 (Feb 29, 2008)

BeaBea said:


> Dear Americans
> 
> have you any idea how adorable you sound when you call a Kettle a 'Teakettle'? Seriously, it makes you sound very exotic and foreign and has made me fall in love with you all over again :wubu:
> 
> Tracey xx



You must melt into a warm puddle when you hear the phrase "ass over teakettle", then


----------



## Spanky (Feb 29, 2008)

TraciJo67 said:


> You must melt into a warm puddle when you hear the phrase "ass over teakettle", then



Gawd that would be a nice pic. 

Any takers??


----------



## TraciJo67 (Feb 29, 2008)

Spanky said:


> Gawd that would be a nice pic.
> 
> Any takers??



I vote for you, Spelunky.

Any ass over teakettle pics you'd like to share? That you haven't ALREADY shared, that is


----------



## Tad (Feb 29, 2008)

BeaBea said:


> Dear Americans
> 
> have you any idea how adorable you sound when you call a Kettle a 'Teakettle'? Seriously, it makes you sound very exotic and foreign and has made me fall in love with you all over again :wubu:
> 
> Tracey xx



Just so I'm straight on this, when you 'mercans talk about a 'teakettle' are you talking about a small electrical appliance you plug into an outlet, fill with water, (possibly flip a switch), and which then proceeds to boil said water? (i.e. an electric kettle, which while a great convenience which must be replaced immediately after wearing out I've never really seen given such warm fuzzies). Or is this some more exotic, tea-specific, beastie?

-Ed, the puzzled canuck
PS. our electric kettle provides boiling water for our coffee in the morning, as well as tea in evening, and occasionally for instant hot chocolate on weekends or for the occasional recipe calling for boiling water. Which is why I wonder if it is the same as a teakettle?


----------



## BeaBea (Feb 29, 2008)

Miss Vickie said:


> LOL! You guys just call it a "kettle"? Not a "tea kettle"? Huh.



 Its the fact that you need to qualify a kettle as being for tea! Its almost like you folks think there are other hot beverages?? I'm English so the very concept mystifies me! 

Tracey xx


----------



## Miss Vickie (Feb 29, 2008)

edx said:


> Just so I'm straight on this, when you 'mercans talk about a 'teakettle' are you talking about a small electrical appliance you plug into an outlet, fill with water, (possibly flip a switch), and which then proceeds to boil said water? (i.e. an electric kettle, which while a great convenience which must be replaced immediately after wearing out I've never really seen given such warm fuzzies). Or is this some more exotic, tea-specific, beastie?
> 
> -Ed, the puzzled canuck
> PS. our electric kettle provides boiling water for our coffee in the morning, as well as tea in evening, and occasionally for instant hot chocolate on weekends or for the occasional recipe calling for boiling water. Which is why I wonder if it is the same as a teakettle?



I can't speak for other 'mericans but I call it an "electric tea kettle" as opposed to my stove "tea kettle" which was just.... a tea kettle. I discovered them while in Scotland many years ago and it took me five years to actually get one.

I use mine mostly for hot water for tea but also hot water for Cup o' Noodles, hot chocolate mix and instant oatmeal. So I guess it's silly to call it a "tea kettle". Just habit, I guess, since my stovetop one was called a "tea kettle" this one is just a plug in version of the same.




BeaBea said:


> Its the fact that you need to qualify a kettle as being for tea! Its almost like you folks think there are other hot beverages?? I'm English so the very concept mystifies me!
> 
> Tracey xx



LOL! What about Pot Noodles? They're obviously not a beverage but wouldn't you use your kettle for hot water to make those lovely culinary delights?


----------



## Jane (Feb 29, 2008)

Yeah, but your probably say "kettle" not "kittle" like I do.


----------



## Jes (Feb 29, 2008)

Guilherme, I know you're a bit of a big name in DC and in intellectual privacy law, and that you were just interviewed on the TV and looking all hot, but your show was, we later found out, subsidized by the Iranian government and now we're all laughing at you. But you're laughing too, so it's ok. But I really want you to keep that suit on and make me beg and call you daddy.

love,
Jennifer


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Feb 29, 2008)

Carrie said:


> Vicki, I'm cc-ing my own electric teakettle on this, as I sip my own lovely hot tea. :wubu:





BeaBea said:


> Dear Americans
> 
> have you any idea how adorable you sound when you call a Kettle a 'Teakettle'? Seriously, it makes you sound very exotic and foreign and has made me fall in love with you all over again :wubu:
> 
> Tracey xx



LOL Your Funny. I use it for other things then just tea as well. 



Miss Vickie said:


> I can't speak for other 'mericans but I call it an "electric tea kettle" as opposed to my stove "tea kettle" which was just.... a tea kettle. I discovered them while in Scotland many years ago and it took me five years to actually get one.
> 
> I use mine mostly for hot water for tea but also hot water for Cup o' Noodles, hot chocolate mix and instant oatmeal. So I guess it's silly to call it a "tea kettle". Just habit, I guess, since my stovetop one was called a "tea kettle" this one is just a plug in version of the same.
> 
> ...



I use it for other things then just tea as well. 


Have either of you had Chai Tea? This is the company I get it from... Really good hot Tea.

http://www.tastefullysimple.com/Cul...adCrumbs=ClientCatalog;Beverages&ShowTop=true


----------



## mossystate (Feb 29, 2008)

when the only thing you drink is vodka..there is no need to call the vessel anything other than a...bottle..I love my simple life


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Feb 29, 2008)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> - Irate Detroiter



Isn't this redundant?


----------



## BeaBea (Mar 2, 2008)

Dear Idiot Self

You have known for some time that glossy magazines are a waste of money and only make you feel inadequate and yet you carry on buying them. You're a fool, but we'll let that one go for the moment. 

You also know that glossy magazines are extremely slippery to stand on, so when you accidentally kick a pile over the best thing to do is pick them up straight away, not tread gingerly over them for the next three days waiting for the inevitable to happen. 

Well today it happened, and it serves you right. So stop buying the damn things, tidy up the pile thats left and then throw the old ones away. I wont tell you again!

T x


----------



## Friday (Mar 2, 2008)

Dear Tracey, Ouch! I hope the only thing bruised was dignity.


----------



## BeaBea (Mar 3, 2008)

Friday said:


> Dear Tracey, Ouch! I hope the only thing bruised was dignity.



Thank you babe, but I dont deserve your sympathy, more like a slap round the head for being so reckless with my wellbeing. I do have a very slight groin strain - but I would have got 5.9's from the judges for my triple lutz with toe loop 

Tracey xx


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 8, 2008)

Dear Mom and Unnamed Former Friend (no one here),

I realize neither of you support a damn thing I do. You disagree with who I date, where I work, who my friends are, what I wear, every damn detail. 

Know what? I don't often say it: Shut the fuck up and mind your own business. Both of you are in half-ass relationships with men who are mean to you. I may have commitment issues, but at least I take responsibility. I pick my stuff and so do you. 

Fuck you,
Casey


----------



## activistfatgirl (Mar 8, 2008)

BLUEeyedBanshee said:


> Dear Snow:
> 
> I have issued a cease and desist order. You have yet to comply. Your cooperation in this matter is of the utmost importance. Please comply immediately, there are people who long to look at green grass.
> 
> - Irate Detroiter



Remember this? Yes? Well, IT JUST WON'T STOP. There's something about this winter and the way it's cloying at the city. I'm so tired of being chilled, of slipping on ice, the long gray days, the sloppy puddles with ice underneath as it freezes, thaws, freezes, thaws.

We really are a bi-polar state. Long live the long days of summer when it's still light at 9pm and the night feels like it's never gonna come...


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## Jane (Mar 9, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> Remember this? Yes? Well, IT JUST WON'T STOP. There's something about this winter and the way it's cloying at the city. I'm so tired of being chilled, of slipping on ice, the long gray days, the sloppy puddles with ice underneath as it freezes, thaws, freezes, thaws.
> 
> We really are a bi-polar state. Long live the long days of summer when it's still light at 9pm and the night feels like it's never gonna come...



We're finally getting a few tufts of green in the lawn, and I have some unknown shrub blooming in my back yard whose scent is heavenly. I'm telling spring to hurry up your way. Now, if you would just ask the weather to quit bleeding cold air this way, I would be thankful.

This has been the winter of my discontent. I'm ready for it to be over.


----------



## Chimpi (Mar 9, 2008)

Now I know why you love the Clubhouse so much, Tiffany.
Because it's delightfully warm, cozy, and tropical.






Just so you are aware, it's nice and warm down here. You're free to visit, if you so choose.  Or better yet, _please_ send me some of that snow!


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## activistfatgirl (Mar 9, 2008)

Chimpi said:


> Now I know why you love the Clubhouse so much, Tiffany.
> Because it's delightfully warm, cozy, and tropical.
> 
> 
> ...



So true, Justin. And I am aware - I spent two wonderful winters in Florida and though I don't think I'd be happy living in Florida long-term, I'm seriously considering somewhere in the south. Temperate North Carolina anyone?!?!?


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Mar 9, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> So true, Justin. And I am aware - I spent two wonderful winters in Florida and though I don't think I'd be happy living in Florida long-term, I'm seriously considering somewhere in the south. Temperate North Carolina anyone?!?!?



I have lived here all my life. So I have never had a winter or even a season change. I really really want to experience one. I hope that one day I will. I am with yeah I wouldn't mind North Carolina. Hope the weather changes for you soon.


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## Missy9579 (Mar 9, 2008)

Dear irrational part of my brain, 

You are staring a new job tomorrow, not becoming a rocket scientist. While the rest of me knows it will be ok, you silly irrational part is freaking me out. You are taking my feelings of joy and happiness, and turning them to fear. Stop taking over my good part of my brain. It will all work out. ( I think)

Mmm kay, thank you 

Missy


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## Tad (Mar 10, 2008)

Dear Winter;

You know I'm one of your biggest fans. When other people moan about you, I point out your good qualities. When they complain about feeling trapped inside, I laud outdoor winter activities. I look forward to the first snow of the year, and am quite happy to shovel my driveway and to tromp through you on the way to the bus. I even spend quite a bit of my clothing budget so that I can live comfortably with you a good part of the year.

So, coming from me, I hope you'll really listen to this: enough already. 

To find a place to put all this weekend's snow I had to do some structural engineering of snowbanks that really should earn me a credit at some educational institution. Two of our shovels just gave up over the weekend, apparently deciding that they just couldn't win--and our other shovel and the snow scoop are both looking like they may not last much longer either. Even after over 24 hours of constant activity the snow plows haven't touched most sidewalks--because they are so clogged the sidewalk ploughs can't even get through. Most side streets are still snow clogged. Pedestrians have to walk on the street along major streets--streets which are already narrowed due to the monster snow banks. The city has already spent about twice their budget on snow removal. We are about a foot short of setting a record for snow accumulation in one winter, but really, it is a record that we'd rather not set.

So yah, you've put on a good show, you demonstrated that climate change does not always mean a weakening of winter, and you've forced us to work on community spirit to help get each through all of this. Huzzah, you are a great winter! But really, time to go now. Really.

Thanks.

-Ed


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## Eclectic_Girl (Mar 10, 2008)

Dear Winter,

Yeah. What he said.

Carla


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 10, 2008)

Dear people who aren't in warm, beautiful California,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Spitefully,

Me


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 10, 2008)

Just for that, Casey, I banish you to every single Dims bash EVER on the East Coast during winter. 

 

(Okay, I don't have that much to complain about, either - sixty four degrees and sunny here tomorrow).


----------



## activistfatgirl (Mar 10, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Just for that, Casey, I banish you to every single Dims bash EVER on the East Coast during winter.
> 
> 
> 
> (Okay, I don't have that much to complain about, either - sixty four degrees and sunny here tomorrow).



DON'T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT, VIRGINA GIRL! VA IS A WHOLE OTHER WORLD?!?!

I know you lived in MA, though, so I give you some cred.

Is anyone else at least with me in the bit of relief day light savings time brings? I left work yesterday at 7:30 and it WAS STILL LIGHT OUT. I feel like I can be slightly less bitter now. 

Still snowed, then melted, then iced over again today. The Winter That Never Endeded.


----------



## Eclectic_Girl (Mar 11, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> Is anyone else at least with me in the bit of relief day light savings time brings? I left work yesterday at 7:30 and it WAS STILL LIGHT OUT. I feel like I can be slightly less bitter now.




With you.

I called in sick to work yesterday. My throat was sore, but part of it was definitely that it wasn't going to get above freezing. Highs in the low 40s the rest of the week, so I think I shall survive.


----------



## Tad (Mar 11, 2008)

TheSadeianLinguist said:


> Dear people who aren't in warm, beautiful California,
> 
> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
> 
> ...



Dear Californians;

Just to be clear, while I'm glad you enjoy your state, someone would have to pay me an awful lot of money to live there--like enough to regularly fly north in the winter. I lived a couple of years somewhere without a proper winter, and for me it sucked mightily. Can you be homesick for a season? Because I think that describes the experience best.

But yes, occasionally (and only occasionally) there can be too much of a good thing.


----------



## liz (di-va) (Mar 11, 2008)

Dear ___________,

I'm glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth.

Galled at the gall,
___________


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 11, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> DON'T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT, VIRGINA GIRL! VA IS A WHOLE OTHER WORLD?!?!
> 
> I know you lived in MA, though, so I give you some cred.
> 
> ...


AFG,

I may have only lived there for three years, but I know what it's like to walk outdoors, and immediately have your eyes water and your nose run, and have all that loveliness freeze to your face.

Yes, I deserve at least a LITTLE cred.   

I was lucky, though - we had fairly mild winters (by MA standards) while I was there. I count myself VERY fortunate, and I definitely don't envy you folks! At least you can know I don't take it for granted - every day we have above-freezing weather here, I count my blessings.


----------



## BeaBea (Mar 11, 2008)

Dear man I had a date with tonight,

I had a really nice time - like, really amazingly nice for a first date. I cant wait to see you again and I keep re-reading the sweet messages you sent me since we said goodbye. But why didn't you kiss me? I wanted to be kissed! I've been home three hours now and I still want to be kissed! 

Did I tilt my head the wrong way? Was I not looking into your eyes at the right time? Should I have licked my lips? I'm 40 now FFS, am I STILL getting this stuff wrong??

Could you let me know please, or better still, pucker up!

Thanks!


----------



## Spanky (Mar 11, 2008)

BeaBea said:


> Dear man I had a date with tonight,
> 
> I had a really nice time - like, really amazingly nice for a first date. I cant wait to see you again and I keep re-reading the sweet messages you sent me since we said goodbye. But why didn't you kiss me? I wanted to be kissed! I've been home three hours now and I still want to be kissed!
> 
> ...



Dear Bea,

This is a good man. Next date, which I assume you will grant him, ask for the kiss or tell him you would like a kiss. Men love that stuff. We are too busy trying to make sure we don't force ourselves on you. That is called being a gentleman. 

Kisses (platonically of course),

Spanky


----------



## Miss Vickie (Mar 12, 2008)

Dear Bea,

Your letter reminded me of that really cool song in The Little Mermaid where they're singing "kiss the girl", trying to get the human to kiss Ariel so she can stay human forever.

Anyhoo, next time? Kiss HIM!!! I hear guys like that.







My letter?

Dear student,

On what planet is it okay to call your teacher's cell phone at half past midnight to ask a question about what you're studying? We give you our cell phone numbers so that we can be available at reasonable hours to answer questions. Um... you really think midnight is a reasonable time to call ANYONE, let alone your INSTRUCTOR??? Are you INSANE??? You're just lucky you called Burtimus and not me 'cause you'd have gotten an earful; he's much much nicer than I am. Trust me on this.


----------



## TheSadeianLinguist (Mar 12, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Just for that, Casey, I banish you to every single Dims bash EVER on the East Coast during winter.
> 
> 
> 
> (Okay, I don't have that much to complain about, either - sixty four degrees and sunny here tomorrow).



Dear G,

Not a punishment! 

Love,

C


edx said:


> Dear Californians;
> 
> Just to be clear, while I'm glad you enjoy your state, someone would have to pay me an awful lot of money to live there--like enough to regularly fly north in the winter. I lived a couple of years somewhere without a proper winter, and for me it sucked mightily. Can you be homesick for a season? Because I think that describes the experience best.
> 
> But yes, occasionally (and only occasionally) there can be too much of a good thing.



Agreed.


----------



## BeaBea (Mar 14, 2008)

Dear xxxx

When you asked me to speak at your conference on the care and treatment of SS sized patients we discussed the subjects you were aiming to cover at some length. Once you had reassured me that the conference was a positive thing and that you were aiming to offer a balanced view I accepted the booking.

I received the printed schedule in the post today and I'm not happy to find the day is now re-titled 'Morbid Obesity Day.' I'm even less impressed that you have introduced me as 'Tracey - a Morbidly Obese Woman speaks about the difficulties of her life'

I dont think that you have been very professional and I feel completely ambushed by your actions. I will still attend and I will still do the best I can to present the positive view, but its not nice to move the goal posts like that. If thats how you want to play then fine, but please bear in mind that once I am on the stage inf front of your delegates you aren't going to be able to remove me without the aid of heavy lifting gear...

Tracey


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## Spanky (Mar 14, 2008)

BeaBea said:


> Dear xxxx
> 
> When you asked me to speak at your conference on the care and treatment of SS sized patients we discussed the subjects you were aiming to cover at some length. Once you had reassured me that the conference was a positive thing and that you were aiming to offer a balanced view I accepted the booking.
> 
> ...



Dear Bea,

I offer my right foot for any insertion needs you may have with said conference organizers in the general area of their collective posteriors. 

-Spanky

ps/left foot is good too if you need that. :bow:


----------



## ekmanifest (Mar 14, 2008)

edx said:


> Dear Californians;
> 
> Just to be clear, while I'm glad you enjoy your state, someone would have to pay me an awful lot of money to live there--like enough to regularly fly north in the winter. I lived a couple of years somewhere without a proper winter, and for me it sucked mightily. Can you be homesick for a season? Because I think that describes the experience best.
> 
> But yes, occasionally (and only occasionally) there can be too much of a good thing.



That's what they all say . . . but this is the sunset my guy and I sat on the beach and watched last night . . . don't tell me you wouldn't want to be sitting on a sandy beach . . . I didn't even put my jacket on until the sun went down . . . 

View attachment IMG_0034.JPG


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## Tad (Mar 17, 2008)

ekmanifest said:


> That's what they all say . . . but this is the sunset my guy and I sat on the beach and watched last night . . . don't tell me you wouldn't want to be sitting on a sandy beach . . . I didn't even put my jacket on until the sun went down . . .





missaf said:


> This is an hour and a half from my home. I live in the desert of Southern California.
> 
> I get to visit the snow, visit the beach, visit Shamu, and visit Las Vegas all within 2 hours drive from my home. California is one of the best places on earth to live.



I admit my 'without a winter' experience was in Paris, not California. Still, not a bad place to be, and I did get a couple of weeks each winter skiing in the alps (which is surprisingly reasonable when you don't live that far away). Still missed full on cold and snow badly. Even in southern ontario, where each time we'd get snow it seemed we'd have rain or a thaw a few days later, I missed it.

Maybe it comes from being born during a Manitoba blizzard (thank goodness they'd just opened the two bed hospital in our small town, my parents never would have made it out of town from the way I hear it). Maybe it was somehow absorbed from the Finnish side of my ancestry? Maybe it was just because 'my' sports were hockey and cross country skiing? I don't know the why, just that walking outside in the morning to see the sun shining off a blanket of white just gives me a deep down feeling of peace and 'at-home-ness' that is possibly only second to having a cat curl up on my lap.

-Ed


----------



## ThatFatGirl (Mar 17, 2008)

Dear gorgeous little moppy/floppy furball at the pound:

I can't get your photo out of my head. I think I'm in love with you. If I could, I'd rescue you from that scary place today. You'd be at a groomer before the afternoon ended and see a happier world all around you. Unfortunately my current home would require a hefty dog deposit and has stairs that would significantly impede me getting you outside to pee in the middle of the night should the need arise. We're moving to a more dog-and-fat-owner friendly place at the end of April. I wish we had moved last week.

Lovely boy, I hope and pray for you that someone has taken you out of that place already and given you the comfortable home you deserve, or very soon will. 

With a heavy heart,
Laura


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## ValentineBBW (Mar 17, 2008)

ThatFatGirl said:


> Dear gorgeous little moppy/floppy furball at the pound:
> 
> I can't get your photo out of my head. I think I'm in love with you. If I could, I'd rescue you from that scary place today. You'd be at a groomer before the afternoon ended and see a happier world all around you. Unfortunately my current home would require a hefty dog deposit and has stairs that would significantly impede me getting you outside to pee in the middle of the night should the need arise. We're moving to a more dog-and-fat-owner friendly place at the end of April. I wish we had moved last week.
> 
> ...



Dear Laura,

I wish you would have been able to adopt that beautiful boy, I totally understand the deposit and stair issues though. He has been badly neglected from the looks of things, which just pulls at my heart and makes me angry. How anyone can be mean to animals or abandon them like trash is beyond me. I think with a proper grooming, he would be even more handsome. I do hope someone adopted him. I will always have a soft spot for poodles. 

Good luck with your move and may a doggie soon be in your future at the new house.


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## Admiral_Snackbar (Mar 17, 2008)

Dear brain:

Next time, when you think you need to up your asthma med by another puff due to the bout of coughing, give it a few days to settle. The headaches allowed me to see into a parallel dimension that few humans should experience.

_Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn_


----------



## butch (Mar 17, 2008)

Dear Admiral,

Thanks for the Lovecraft reference. They always make me happy, in an odd way. Hope you're feeling better.

Dearly,
Julia


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## MisticalMisty (Mar 17, 2008)

Dear 2008,

You are shaping up to be the best year I've had in a long time. Thank you for that. I'm loving my new job. I have a pretty decent roommate who only drives me crazy 75% of the time now and I'm blessed with almost a whole house full of furniture now. So yay for you being awesome.

However, I need to file a formal complaint with heart/emotions/romance/turning 30 Karma department.

#1. I CAN'T handle anymore wives of exes coming out of the wood work. I mean..it's bad enough that I spent last year as the other woman. I would really like this year to be almost completely drama free.

#2. If turning 30 means I'm going to be an even bigger crybaby than before, I'm staying 29. Seriously. I'm super emotional and I don't understand why. Stop it. I need to be just slightly less than normal emotional...mmmmkay?

#3. Ok, so Michael *not from dims* and I have been doing this long distance stuff for 5 months and HE LIVES HERE. I don't know if I can handle much more of it. So, either make it where we can see each other more than every once in a while, orrr help us find a solution in the meantime.

#4. Fuck turning 30. I don't want to do it. You're not helping by letting every damn person I graduated HS with find me and fill me in on everything. YAY for them..but GOOD LORD I just want to remain a hermit until April 30th. Thank you very much.

Finally, I'm not the least bit excited about entertaining my mama the weekend of my 30th birthday. HOWEVER, I love her and we've been keeping the peace so I will celebrate with her and enjoy it. BUT you owe me a weekend of hot, dirty, tied down to the bed sex with Michael. GOT ME? Oh..and a couple of those food fantasies wouldn't hurt either.

Thank you,
Fatty McFabulous


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Mar 24, 2008)

Dear SuperWalmart cashier,

I try to be a pretty good customer. I put things into my cart in groups when I can so that I can put all cold stuff up on the conveyor belt together. I put the non-refrigerator foods together, too. And I keep the non-food products separate so you can put toilet paper and soap together with no ill effects. But, today, you really floored me.

When I handed you 2 very large reusable bags, asking you to put in them what you hadn't already put into flimsy plastic bags, I really didn't mean for you to put those flimsy plastic bags INTO the reusable bags.

And then you proceeded to put my 5 lb bag of potatoes, already in a nice thick plastic bag, into another plastic bag. I stopped you from putting the small lampshade into a bag. I couldn't stop you from putting the 2 small packages of pillow covers into a single bag. I'm really not sure why you felt each canister of coffee needed its own individual carrier. When I handed the bags back to you, why did you throw them in the garbage? You even put the 2 little giftcards I got for someone into their own individual wrapping. [Plastic, of course.]

I do understand that the corporate "green" push right now is more about seeming trendy to get customers, not a real effort to be environmental in their practices. I realize they may not have given you training on how to handle a customer giving you reusable bags, since apparently you need training on how to do anything but be a cog in a retail machine. However, I was hoping that you'd get the hint that maybe, just maybe, I really didn't want any more plastic bags. I ended up with 10 more for my stockpile, about 8 more than I really needed.

Please use some common sense next time. The girl at Target did much better than you did, but Target doesn't carry apples or I'd never get in your checkout line again.

Sincerely but with a plastic smile,

A blue green customer


----------



## MisticalMisty (Mar 24, 2008)

Dear Sweet Tooth,

My target sells apples and all sorts of groceries. BEG for a Super Target. Maybe you'll get one 

Misty


----------



## mossystate (Mar 25, 2008)

yeah, I think that many retail workers are so burned out that they do not really think about how the earth is being destroyed..they might just be wondering if they will get counted out in time to go pick up their kids..or that their feet are killing them..or how they will pay for the necessities, on a Walmart paycheck, even though the company makes a shitload of money selling very inexpensive items ..stuff like that. Yeah, it is frustrating, but, I cringe over comments about common sense and people who are trying to make a living, not even able to sometimes buy the cheap things we demand, being called..cogs..sorry..*shrug*....yes, does hit close to home for me. Oh, and, by the way, i also cringe over the 300 bags used when my groceries are packed up.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 25, 2008)

Dear whatever higher power is up there,

Thank you.

Thank you for beautiful rivers, beautiful sunsets, and lovely spring afternoons.

Thank you for long drives and windy side streets.

Thank you for traffic lights.

Thank you for a wonderful weekend.

Thank you for making him him, and thank you for making me me, even though we're both imperfect.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Mar 25, 2008)

Dear new co-worker:

I don't know you all that well and you don't know me. I received your 5 procedures with a 2-day turnaround time, and made what I consider cursory comments to them based on my oh, 12 years experience reviewing documents like this. I gave them a high-level, felt-tipped pen sort of review. They really needed a wrecking ball, but in the interests of time, I didn't want to fight that fight. I'm not picking on you, cuz you're not alone in that instance. I have LOTS to do here, and I love this new jorb.

Please do not accuse me of flippancy. [Dr. Cox voice] You-hoo-hoo don't want the wrecking ball right now. Really, ya don't. I am not trying for your job, I don't need your job. I just want you to do it better-er. That and I get a real Edgar Allen Poe "Evil Eye" vibe when I'm near you.


----------



## Ample Pie (Mar 27, 2008)

Dear so and so,

You sit there calling me name and want to say I'm creating a negative environment.

Bite me.


----------



## Jane (Mar 27, 2008)

Dear Boss,

I've explained it EXTENSIVELY with back up documents, reports and charts, FIVE TIMES.

What makes you think you will "get it" if I do it six?


----------



## Tina (Mar 27, 2008)

Because you were obviously doing it wrong, Jane, underling that you are. If you do it right this time, it will work.


----------



## Tad (Mar 27, 2008)

Dear job;

Don't get me wrong, I still think highly of you, remain loyal to you, and appreciate all that you do for me. But, to be honest, I'm getting pretty bored. I know you say you are more interested in me than ever, but really, it is more of more of the same. I know, you are what you are, and I should not have joined myself to you expecting that you'd change. Still, I'm almost desperate for some way to spice things up. I hope you don't mind if sometimes, when I'm doing you, that I'm fantasizing about other jobs. Please don't be upset, really, it just helps me get in the mood for you! And it is not like I'm doing another job on the side, although now that we are on the topic, what would you think about that?


----------



## Jane (Mar 27, 2008)

Tina said:


> Because you were obviously doing it wrong, Jane, underling that you are. If you do it right this time, it will work.



No, sorry, Tina, as I reminded someone yesterday, I was born without a penis. His CPA (who also can't explain anything to him) WAS born with a penis, so I don't know WHAT the problem is there.

Did I mention my 50 year old 5'5" tall boss drives one of those little-penis-mobile BMW's?

But, you know, my boss has made about the top three spots on "My List" this week. I have permission to borrow Jes' "one finger." He best be careful.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Mar 27, 2008)

Jane said:


> No, sorry, Tina, as I reminded someone yesterday, I was born without a penis. His CPA (who also can't explain anything to him) WAS born with a penis, so I don't know WHAT the problem is there.
> 
> Did I mention my 50 year old 5'5" tall boss drives one of those little-penis-mobile BMW's?
> 
> But, you know, my boss has made about the top three spots on "My List" this week. I have permission to borrow Jes' "one finger." He best be careful.


Remember that anywhere from 20-40% of all bosses/CEOs are undiagnosed sociopaths, or at the very least have narcissistic personality disorder. You're always wrong/dumb/misguided, he is not. That's why he's the boss. In any other industry, he'd be shampooing poodles for a living.

Think of the Alec Baldwin scene in Glengary, Glen Ross. It's kinda like that. He drove a 60K BMW to work. You didn't. My ego, let me show you it.


----------



## Tina (Mar 27, 2008)

Jane said:


> No, sorry, Tina, as I reminded someone yesterday, I was born without a penis. His CPA (who also can't explain anything to him) WAS born with a penis, so I don't know WHAT the problem is there.
> 
> Did I mention my 50 year old 5'5" tall boss drives one of those little-penis-mobile BMW's?
> 
> But, you know, my boss has made about the top three spots on "My List" this week. I have permission to borrow Jes' "one finger." He best be careful.


Heh. Well then, it's obviously not due to your lack of a penis. Who'da thunk? Maybe slip him a mickey and then you won't have to deal with him all day?


----------



## Jane (Mar 27, 2008)

Tina said:


> Heh. Well then, it's obviously not due to your lack of a penis. Who'da thunk? Maybe slip him a mickey and then you won't have to deal with him all day?



Trying to send him down to his sailboat for the weekend.

Facts, figures, specific instances, concrete evidence...these don't work. Somehow "you spend more than you make" doesn't sink in either.


----------



## Tina (Mar 27, 2008)

Sounds like fun, only not. I'm guessing you likely don't make enough to put up with the bullshit, too. That's how it usually goes, anyway.


----------



## Jane (Mar 27, 2008)

Tina said:


> Sounds like fun, only not. I'm guessing you likely don't make enough to put up with the bullshit, too. That's how it usually goes, anyway.



If I did, he would cut my pay to afford gas for the BMW.


----------



## Tina (Mar 27, 2008)

Of course. Sounds like the two of you need to trade places for a while so he can see what it's like. 'Course, he likely still wouldn't get it...


----------



## Tina (Apr 10, 2008)

Dear body and mind,

Can you please stop working in concert to undermine any progress I might be able to make if I could pull my head out of my ass long enough to see something good? 

I'd like to do something that makes me feel productive, happy and serene, but haven't really found it yet. I want out of this chicken shit operation.

Disdainfully yours,
Moi


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Apr 10, 2008)

I'm sorry, Tina.  You know I'm here if you need a shoulder/ear. Always. 

And my letter...

Dear Life,

I need a social life. And friends who aren't 500+ miles away. And a hobby that doesn't involve the internet, because other than reading, I don't have any. Plzkthx.

Love,

Me.


----------



## Ash (Apr 10, 2008)

Dear paper,

Please write yourself. And make it an A, plz. 

Thanks,

Ashley


----------



## ripley (May 6, 2008)

Dear Dogs,

I truly love you. I never want to be without a dog. You are a light in my life, and your unconditional love is truly a gift.

But sometimes... Sometimes I just want to be left alone for three frickin' minutes.

No burping in my face right after you've eaten. No drooling on me when I'm trying to eat a sandwich. I'd like to go to the bathroom alone, for once! You really don't have to come with, it's not a pleasure cruise. I'd like to sleep without a cold nose touching any exposed body part every six minutes. I can hear when the teapot starts to whistle. You don't need to run and bark. You don't have to be pressed against me all the time. I'm fat and don't move fast, there is no way I can get away without you knowing even if you're not touching me. I do not like a dirty slobbery tennis ball dropped in my lap every four seconds. When I take off my socks, they don't need "killed."

Thank you. Just three minutes. Please.

me


----------



## Tina (May 6, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> I'm sorry, Tina.  You know I'm here if you need a shoulder/ear. Always.
> 
> And my letter...
> 
> ...


Thank you, Ginny. I'm doing a little better, so, moving in the right direction.

I know what you mean re: the friends thing. I'd really love someone to hang with once in a while. As for the hobby, come make jewelry with me.


----------



## Jane (May 6, 2008)

ripley said:


> Dear Dogs,
> 
> I truly love you. I never want to be without a dog. You are a light in my life, and your unconditional love is truly a gift.
> 
> ...



Ripley, I have a cat who, when I have disciplined him, (say removing him from the dining room table, or top of the range, or inside of the trashcan, or any of the 1,000,000 other places he gets but doesn't need to be) will wait 15, 30, 45 minutes, whatever it takes, and come up and bite me right on the top of my instep. He also does this to ME if someone else disciplines him.


----------



## ripley (May 6, 2008)

Jane said:


> Ripley, I have a cat who, when I have disciplined him, (say removing him from the dining room table, or top of the range, or inside of the trashcan, or any of the 1,000,000 other places he gets but doesn't need to be) will wait 15, 30, 45 minutes, whatever it takes, and come up and bite me right on the top of my instep. He also does this to ME if someone else disciplines him.



Whenever my sister's dog gets disciplined it bites my dog.


----------



## Jane (May 6, 2008)

ripley said:


> Whenever my sister's dog gets disciplined her dog bites my dog.



You may be right...he may think of me as a really big cat.


----------



## bigplaidpants (May 9, 2008)

Dear Dim Friends,

I have many of you in mind as I write that salutation. If you think you might be someone I'm thinking about, you can bet you prolly are. If not, of course, good to meet you! Welcome.

Miss you. Last time I posted, I was sharing about the incredible journey my wife and I were on from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Out of the blue, she fell ill with a rare blood disorder. We were out of town and in the hospital fighting for her life for a month. Thanks to the power of the Force, she is healthy and doing well. She went back to work March 24 (elementary school teacher). After almost 5 years of grad school and being a stay-at-home dad, I also started back to work March 1 - parttime pay, fulltime work. My life is very busy, submerged in administration and building relationships in my new role. I'm hardly ever on Dim, but I think of many of you often.

It's the FA's plight, I think. Lately, I've been missing terribly having folk around that I can just sit and relish in my little fat-erotic world with. As a FA, I really only ever found this online. In addition to the ppl, that's one of the things that made these boards so sacred and so great? I'm happily married. I don't swing. But, I'm still a FA, with hormones, a mind, and tastes - aaaaand, I'm also a dad in a vocation around people that are just plain afraid of their sexuality, no matter what its tastes, orientation, or type. Churches are generally places where the bodily life is often seen as "secondary" or outright hated. (Yes, this is a misunderstanding of Paul.) Repression is a historical force that's run amuk in religion. Bleh. It's one of the things I've loved about studying theology with queer folk. At least being "different" forces you, your body, and its yearnings out of the box. Alas....<sigh>

There are those on this board that'll get where I'm going here. 

Anyway...I wanted to check in. Deep down, I'd love to check in with so many of you personally, pm'ing or otherwise. It was great seeing Liz-diva, Ivy, and HollyFo at Maggiano's for pasta in March. They all look great. And, there are more that I'd love to catch up with online who are outside Chicago....

Consider yourself squeezed, ole' friends. I'm feeling a bit nostaligic about this place right now. It seems like a lifetime ago since I first started posting.

Here's to my favorite little church of fat and fat adoration online ;-) 
<raises stein with the sound of clinking glasses and a round of "Cheers!">
Matt
bigplaidpants


----------



## Tad (May 9, 2008)

Miss you too, Mr. Pants! Your wisdom, your 'tone of voice' in what you write, your perspective, and also just another married FA, making it work....all of it is most heartily welcomed whenver you do get a chance to drop in.


----------



## Punkin1024 (May 9, 2008)

Mr. Plainpants,
I hear you. I'm in the same plight, I think. I have no close fat friends and I am a Christian. Lately, I've been wrestling with my feelings regarding my fat and feelings of sexuality - or lack of. It is a difficult thing. I really can't express all my thoughts right now, just too hard, but I think I do get what you are saying.

~Ella - Punkin


----------



## TCUBOB (May 10, 2008)

Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......how THAT work out?



Ashley said:


> Dear paper,
> 
> Please write yourself. And make it an A, plz.
> 
> ...


----------



## AnnMarie (May 10, 2008)

Dear Matt, 

Always nice to see you check in. We understand life gets busy, but you will always be able to return here when you can/when you need to... the fat isn't going anywhere.  

Enjoy this time, so much going on!

AnnMarie


----------



## lipmixgirl (May 14, 2008)

dear ________,

i always knew that i was the one who runs the house... the small corporation, if you will... but after getting your email today which asked me to please take care of your daughter while you are away, i feel that i need to just clarify the situation.

i'd like to point out that her aunt, uncle, and brother flew in from out of town and are currently staying in the house with her. also, that really all that is necessary in caring for her - as she will be 13 in september - is to make sure she eats, sleeps, gets to and from school and after school activities... 

now i do understand that having them take her to the doctor would be a bit much for them to handle, and as we discussed and agreed before you left the country, i have made an appointment and will be taking her to the specialist to see about her injury. 

but really, for her homeroom teacher to have to email you while you are on your trip and advise you that your daughter is feeling the weight of having to shoulder all the responsibility for her daily life as they apparently "don't know what they are doing at all" - says just one thing to me... let the pro handle the task...

in the future, i ask you to consider to allow me to live in with with your daughter, like i have done previously when you have gone on trips... and just pay me the extra money... that way everyone - the dog included - stays on task... 

it is not that i do not love the extended family members... i do... they are lovely people... but, really, i assure you - it is MUCH easier to run the organization and take care of one human child and one fur child than it is to care for a house of 5... 

still at the house working at 9:30 and would like to get out of here by 10:00...
me...


p.s. i forgot to mention that i have been requested to make my world famous chicken cutlets for dinner friday night...


----------



## sweet&fat (May 14, 2008)

Dear CH,

I joined you literally 5 minutes before everything went poof. Hope this isn't an omen! I'm not toxic, I promise. 

xo,
S&F


----------



## Donna (May 20, 2008)

Dear Ex-Husband;

No, you did not glean the knowledge that I am moving back to Pinellas county from reading my blog on MySpace. If you would have bothered to check, you moron, I took down that blog and closed my page a long time ago. I have only talked about moving two places online, one place I know you have no chance of ever accessing and here. I don't really care that you know about what's going on in my life, just keep in mind one thing. IT *IS* MY LIFE. Being married to me for 7 years affords you NO RIGHTS. I divorced your ass in 2004, remember? I walked out the door, taking nothing but my personal items, my computer and my car (both of which I bought and paid for with money I earned from that annoying job you hated me go off to everyday.) 

So, that being said, stop calling me at work!!! Telling the receptionist you were my cousin and didn't know my married name was low down and dirty. Please do not make me have to go to the trouble of a restraining order. I've done it before and I will do it again. I stopped posting here once because you were harassing me over things I said here. I refuse to run and hide this time. 

Got it? 

Signed, 
The Evil Bitch
*********************************************************

To the person whose feeding Jim information about me:

If I tell you what I want to do to you here, they will surely kick me off the boards for making personal threats and insults. Fuck off, dick.

The Evil Bitch


----------



## TCUBOB (May 20, 2008)

Sorry to hear about that Donnalicious. Hey internet stalkers: EFF YOU! Don't make us cyber-ruin your life!

If only we could go back to the good old days when stalkers carved "Buck Fob" into your front door and then denied it even though your friends saw them. Yep. Those were the days.


----------



## Friday (May 20, 2008)

Not dear stalking ex-husband,

'Licious has a lot more friends than you do. Do the second intelligent thing you ever did in your life (since you obviously fucked up the first one) and walk away. You are publicly embarrassing yourself with your patheticness.


----------



## Renaissance Woman (May 26, 2008)

Dear cancer:

Cease and desist appearing in my life immediately. I'm sick of you fucking things up, and I'm sure others are too. Yes, I know you haven't hit me personally, but that's not the point. You already got your licks in through my mother. You don't have to start fucking with my friends and their families as well. 

Fuck off and disappear.

Not your friend,
-Barb


----------



## bexy (May 27, 2008)

Dear Creep....

I do not want to see your penis. I do not want to hear how horrible your wife is. I do not want you to think that because you have paid to see my pics on my site you now own a part of me and are allowed to say such odd things to me. I do not want to partake in any sort of cyber sex with a horrid disrespectful married man. 
I know you have slowly started to move off from harrassing me and are now bothering another girl, who is young and shy, and I think you should leave her alone before you manipulate her and mess up her head you horrible, horrible man

A disgruntled Bexy



Dear Customer

Do you think there is ANY chance you could wash your hands before I have to deal with you, I am running out of antibacterial handgel and cannot understand how one persons hands can be so brown.

Confuzzled!


----------



## BeaBea (May 27, 2008)

Dear People who own convertible cars,

Please be aware that if you drive with the top up when the sun is shining you run the risk of having your car confiscated. I threatened you with this last year but it seems none of you listened so this time I MEAN IT!!!

Oh, and 

Dear Boots,
if you call your Chocolate Brownies 'Delicious' then you really should make them from something other than sawdust and brown food colouring. It was revolting and I'm considering action under the 'Trades Description Act'

Tracey


----------



## supersoup (Jun 6, 2008)

dear shitty day,

suck it.

hatefully yours, 
amanda c radass




dear brian,

i'm sorry you and jes are having troubles, and though you are resistant, you better realize that my house is always open to you...so don't do anything stupid because you think you have nowhere to go. stupid.

love you like a little sister ya fathead,
slutticus




dear jessica,

let's have loads more adventures with Sir RipsHisPants, yes? methinks he needs to travel more... 

yours,
soupy


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 7, 2008)

Dear FA men in my life (specificially two of you... D, and V), 

I want to make this as clear as humanly possible: 

1. To D and V: I am NOT going to gain 75 pounds, just because you would love it. I'm sure you would, but I wouldn't. I'm quite happy at the weight I'm at right now, thankyouverymuch. Deal with it.

2. To D and V: I am sorry that my losing 14 pounds has depressed you. I didn't do it to make you feel bad. I needed to get my cholesterol down - doctor's orders. I succeeded. I'm keep it down, and adding 14 pounds back on isn't going to do that. It was 14 pounds... not 114. Deal with it. 

3. To V: Stop calling me Fatty, Fat Ass, Piggie, Piglet, and Hog Jowel. I absolutely positively HATE it. I know you're not being mean, and I know you're saying it in an endearing way.... but I hate it. I love nick names... but I hate those. Did I mention that I hate those names? Let me say it again: I hate those names.

4. To D: Stop asking me every single day if I am expanding, or ballooning... or whatever. I'm not. I'm living my life, why aren't you? Can't you ask me how my life is? Can't you ask me how my job is? Can't you ask me what's new? Do you HAVE to ask me if I'm getting fat??

5. To D and V: Stop asking me in every email or text message what I've eaten today! Yeah, I love food, but my entire life does NOT revolve around food!!!

6. To V: Stop trying to get me to eat as much food as you eat. I CAN'T DO IT. PERIOD. Perhaps YOU can eat an entire 16" pizza and 2 dozen wings... but I can't. I've told you over and over, my stomach cannot hold that much food. WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?


If both of you want to be in my life, please, please... PLEASE start treating me like a regular woman...not a FAT woman. I just happen to be fat... but it does NOT define my life. You love that I'm fat... GREAT... but it's the icing on the cake. I've spent the last two years of my life learning to love my appearance, don't make me regret that. Please.

Thank you,

Christine


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 7, 2008)

Dear part-time FA boyfriend:

THANK YOU!! Thank you for treating me like a woman FIRST and a BBW second. You are intelligent, kind, caring, loving, handsome, sweet, romantic, attentive, and a true gentleman. You are everything I've EVER wanted in a man. You treat me better than any man I've ever been involved in. You really do care about me. When you tell me that you love me.... I know you really do mean it. Deep inside me... I know you mean it. 

I understand that circumstances do not permit our getting more involved... I don't like it, but I understand it. Who knows what will happen with us, but I'm glad we have decided to enjoy the time we DO have together, while we can. We have vowed to remain a part of each other's lives, no matter WHAT happens. And I believe that we will. 

From the deepest part of my heart..... I love you.

Christine


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 7, 2008)

Dear Christine, 

I can't for the life of me, after reading all your issues with D and V, figure out why you'd want _them_ in _your_ life. 

The only things that can bother us in life are those we let in.... share the letter with each of them, and if the behavior doesn't change... cut them loose. 

Best,
AnnMarie


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 7, 2008)

Dear AnnMarie....

Trust me when I tell you... I'm struggling with the personal relationships in my life. I've been looking at my life every day for a while, and trying to figure out how I got where I am, and how to get back to where I want to be. And that includes these two guys, along with the third one. It's all very complicated, but it's my life.

I only hope to come out of it... a better person. 

Thank you for the advice... I do appreciate it.

Christine


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 7, 2008)

That's great, I hope that the letter writing helps you find a place for the right people and circumstances around you. We're only here once, you should surround yourself with as much positive as you can!

AnnMarie


----------



## rainyday (Jun 8, 2008)

Dear Sun,

Shine you damn lazy shirker. Shine!

Signed,

Pasty


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 8, 2008)

Dear Rainy,

I'll gladly trade you some of our sunshine for some of your rain. 'Kay?


Signed,

Parched and Windblasted in Texas


----------



## rainyday (Jun 8, 2008)

Dear Punkin,

Deal! As long as you'll take it back come mid-August when I'm bitching about the heat. 

rainy


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 8, 2008)

Dear Sun:

Can you shine a little less? Between you and the humidity fairy, I sweated off about five pounds last NIGHT at the ball game. Seriously. Take a day off or something. Please?

Bob


----------



## Punkin1024 (Jun 9, 2008)

Dear Bob,

You can send your sun to Rainy. She wants the sunshine. Me, I agree with you, this sunshine is getting me down. I really don't like summertime, unless I can spend it in a pool. Guess I'll be spending more time in the Cabana.

 Ella

Dear Rainy,

Deal, but perhaps we can send the hot weather somewhere else. Okay! I'm just hoping to hold out until Fall arrives.

 Ella


----------



## MuleVariationsNYC (Jun 9, 2008)

Dear Dutch National Football (soccer) team,

Great job today against the Italians! 3-0...I couldn't be prouder. Your ball movement was fluid, your runs off the ball unselfish, and your defense was calm and assured. I nearly cried during the buildup to Sneijder's goal - it was *almost* as beautiful as the DeBoer to Bergkamp link-up against Argentina in '98! So far you look like the best team in the tournament, and when VanPersie and Robben return from injury...look out!

However, I must admit that I am scared to fully make a commitment this time around. Our relationships always start this way, with high expectations, lofty dreams. You promise your football will stay beautiful forever, and I promise that my loyalty to you will never fade. But then just a few weeks later, we are in tears, having lost in the semi-finals to an inferior team on penalty kicks, pointing fingers at each other and wondering where it all went wrong...

I wanted this time to be different. I planned to play it safe, and root for the Portuguese and Spanish as well as you. But then I saw you today, and I realized I could never feel about another European team the way I feel about you. So I'm back. You'll get everything I've got. Just please don't break my heart again.


Kwame 

(The sad thing is, I mean every word I wrote).


----------



## Ash (Jun 9, 2008)

Dear Kwame,

You are a soccer fan. We must marry.

I was working, so I missed the Netherlands v. Italy match, but I will be watching it shortly on DVR. I'm even so impressed that you like soccer that I'm not mad that you've totally spoiled the score. 

Love,
Ashley



MuleVariationsNYC said:


> Dear Dutch National Football (soccer) team,
> 
> Great job today against the Italians! 3-0...I couldn't be prouder. Your ball movement was fluid, your runs off the ball unselfish, and your defense was calm and assured. I nearly cried during the buildup to Sneijder's goal - it was *almost* as beautiful as the DeBoer to Bergkamp link-up against Argentina in '98! So far you look like the best team in the tournament, and when VanPersie and Robben return from injury...look out!
> 
> ...


----------



## MuleVariationsNYC (Jun 9, 2008)

Dear Ashley, 

Oh crap, I'm sorry. I hate it when that happens to me. I was in a post-game haze, and didn't think that anyone who cared would see it so quickly. :doh: Are you supporting a particular team?

Why don't we get married during the next World Cup? We can fly down to South Africa which, depending on your point of view, would be either be the perfect place or an absolutely ludicrous place for us to tie the knot...

Remorsefully,

Kwame



Ashley said:


> Dear Kwame,
> 
> You are a soccer fan. We must marry.
> 
> ...


----------



## butch (Jun 10, 2008)

Dear Therapist,

I hate that you're leaving me, even though I understand it has nothing to do with me. The timing is awful, that is all, because it feels like right now you're my only honest connection to the human race, and I don't know how I'll be able to handle the rest of the summer as alone as I am. I know you're trying to set me up with human contact for the long haul; giving me homework to do to make me schedule more social opportunities in my day to day life, but I'm scared, I'm not ready, and I can't handle the mess I'll make of it until I figure out what I'm doing.

I wish we had more time, because I like you, and you make me feel good about myself even when you don't coddle my rationalizations, and as shallow as this makes me sound, it feels fucking awesome to get a smile and a laugh out of a woman as attractive as you are. Don't worry, I'm not in love or lust with you, but you know how I am, a sucker for anyone who responds to my clumsy puppy dog routine.

I know you know that this dredges up all my fears of rejection, and that it just reaffirms my belief that I will eventually get rejected by anyone who gets past the superficial me, and yet how do we deal with this? How do you convince me that this pattern is something I can change, when it feels so much beyond my control-people reject me for their own reasons, not because of what I do. I guess we have 3 more sessions to figure this out.

I hope that, to some degree, that you did like me as a person, and not because I was paying you $20 a session. I hope that once in a while you looked forward to our sessions, and didn't think they were a chore. I also hope that in some way I helped you in your development from PhD student to Dr. of Psychiatry, because I think you're already a wonderful therapist.

I'll miss talking about our dissertations, and I'll miss wondering why you always seemed to look at my fingers a lot. Good luck in the next phase of your studies, and thank you for all your help.

My best,
Julia


----------



## Ash (Jun 10, 2008)

MuleVariationsNYC said:


> Dear Ashley,
> 
> Oh crap, I'm sorry. I hate it when that happens to me. I was in a post-game haze, and didn't think that anyone who cared would see it so quickly. :doh: Are you supporting a particular team?
> 
> ...



Dear Kwame,

That game was incredible. I'm now officially behind the Oranje. No worries on the score. The game play was so amazing that it didn't even matter. 

I'm totally up for a World Cup wedding. Can we name our first child FIFA?

Yours in soccer fandom,
Ashley


----------



## out.of.habit (Jun 10, 2008)

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Variations, 

If I learn to sew, will you please dress up your baby as a soccer ball for it's first Halloween?

Love, 

Auntie Betsy


----------



## MuleVariationsNYC (Jun 10, 2008)

My dearest betrothed Ashley,

FIFA is a lovely name for a girl, but if it's a boy, can we name it UEFA? It was my grandfather's name. Also, what should we do about "Auntie" Besty and her crazy costume ideas? I don't want to encourage her, but ignoring her just makes it worse...remember Thanksgiving?

Sincerely, 

Kwame


----------



## out.of.habit (Jun 11, 2008)

Dear Kwame and Ashley, 

AAAAAAAAAnd... for the baby's first Chinese New Year, it will SO have to go as- get this! BABY NEW YEAR! 

Oh, it'll be perfect. I'll bring my camera.

Can't wait!
<3 Auntie B


----------



## activistfatgirl (Jun 11, 2008)

Dear Ashley and Kwame,

I'll tolerate your football addictions if you tolerate my smelly feet.

I mean, this is going to be a polyamorous relationship, right?

Oh? You're already married?

You want me to leave?

FINE!

Love,
AFG


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 11, 2008)

Well, you could always name it the Azzuri or Les Blues or Oranje!


----------



## Ash (Jun 11, 2008)

activistfatgirl said:


> Dear Ashley and Kwame,
> 
> I'll tolerate your football addictions if you tolerate my smelly feet.
> 
> ...




Dearest AFG,

I'd do you. 

I mean...

You can be our live-in nanny! FIFA and UEFA already adore you. 

It'll be like Mary Poppins. Only way better!

Sincerely,
The future Mrs. Variations


----------



## supersoup (Jun 11, 2008)

as half of mashley, i'm counting myself as marrying kwame as well.

he's hot. i'm so in.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Jun 11, 2008)

Dear Variations.... ummm... "group".....

May I volunteer my services as wedding planner??
With a crowd this size, you'll need some extensive planning. 
You can't take the risk of any football/soccer faux pas.
I mean there are children to consider here. 

I'm cheap. Okay, I'm free. 

Love,

Violet


----------



## cute_obese_girl (Jun 15, 2008)

butch said:


> Dear Therapist,
> 
> I hate that you're leaving me, even though I understand it has nothing to do with me. The timing is awful, that is all, because it feels like right now you're my only honest connection to the human race, and I don't know how I'll be able to handle the rest of the summer as alone as I am. I know you're trying to set me up with human contact for the long haul; giving me homework to do to make me schedule more social opportunities in my day to day life, but I'm scared, I'm not ready, and I can't handle the mess I'll make of it until I figure out what I'm doing.
> 
> ...



Dear Julia,

Best wishes as you move on in your life without your therapist. Since you seemed to like her so much, have faith that she did right by you as a therapist and trust that you'll make it through this transition. Keep fighting the good fight and remember that if life doesn't get a little messy sometimes, then you're just not having any fun either.

Shannon


----------



## butch (Jun 15, 2008)

Dear Shannon,

Thank you for the very kind letter. It makes me a little teary eyed, and I think your last line is very true and inspiring. Here's to messy!

Best,
Julia


----------



## supersoup (Jun 23, 2008)

to the not so dear ex's,

i'd just like to make a few requests. seeing as how we are no longer dating, i think there are some guidelines we should follow. bullets, i haz dem.
--let's not be unnecessarily nasty to each other. you live your life, i'll live mine.
--i know we are like 'mortal enemies' now, but don't jump on my ass all the time when i say or do things you don't approve of. neither one of us answers to the other anymore. ignore me, i promise to do the same.
--every little dig you throw at me gives me a lot more resolve in my i'm-never-going-to-give-you-the-time-of-day campaign.
--i'm allowed to be the same place you are. i however, can be an adult and just pretend you aren't there, or behave cordially. you should learn to do the same.
--the few times we talk, telling me i'm a bitch, conceited, etc, really will not get you anywhere. especially when i've done nothing wrong.
--blaming me for anything that happens to you is insane. completely and utterly insane. 
--hating me does nothing but ruin every day for you, so why not just act is if i don't exist? we don't cross paths on a daily basis, this should be easy.

not yours anymore,
girls everywhere

-----------------------------------------------------------------

to mr MJS,

i hate working for you, i hate doing your job and not getting paid for it, and i hate not getting credit for everything i do. but seriously, i'll forget all of that, if you just spare me next time you decide you are comfortable enough around me that you can fart. i swear the walls were weeping.

working in a confined office blows,
amanda

-------------------------------------------------------------------

dear animal appeal,

please let us adopt angus. we love puppies, and we know he was abused. we will take super awesome care of him, and he will never remember the bad he was first raised in.

sincerely,
amanda q doglover

--------------------------------------------------------------------

not so dear kidneys,

toss off. i want to sleep allllllll the way through the night tonight please!!

yours in pain,
soup

---------------------------------------------------------------------

dims,

i owe you a lot of posts and some clogging. i just...haven't been myself lately. down in the dumps is an understatement, and i'm trying my best to pull myself out of it. i'm here and reading though!!

ilu,
soup


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Jun 23, 2008)

Dear Seth Rogen:

I know you're the latest "Thing" in film right now, what with your incredible successes as

1. A pot smoking stock guy
2. A pot smoking, unemployed Candian who knocks up Katherine Heigl
3. A pot smoking cop who loves to play with his gun and drink on duty
4. A kung-fu mantis (drug/alcohol abuse not clear - it's a kid's flick)
5. A guy who gets to somehow screw Elizabeth Banks on film
6. A pot smoking guy stuck with his nebbish roommate after the apocalypse comes.

I know this is your time, so crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Captain Popular of the Clique People. Everywhere I go I see your Mike Brady perm and hear your spit talking through your teeth almost-ready-to-belch drone. I don't deny your talent as a writer, and have to tip the hat to a guy who makes stocky guys the new sexy but please, give it a rest for a while. Just a week, I beg of you. It's starting to look like a Spaceballs ad insert (Seth Rogen: The Condom Dispenser!). 

Once you come out with the "Seth Sings Calypso" album, everyone will stop looking at me like I just don't understand. The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, ya know.

Sincerely, 

The Admiral


----------



## Jane (Jun 23, 2008)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Dear Seth Rogen:
> 
> I know you're the latest "Thing" in film right now, what with your incredible successes as
> 
> ...



Then "out, out brief candle."


----------



## Ash (Jun 24, 2008)

Dear friend and ex,

I'm so glad you're friends. Honestly. No problem with that at all. I wish nothing but total happiness for both of you. And I hope you both come to Labor Day and have a wonderful time. 

However, veiled insults on the boards? It's juvenile. We are ALL too old for this shit. Also, talking shit about me to my friends is just dumb. You KNOW it is going to get back to me. 

I don't malign either of you. And I'm really not clear on why you both choose to do it to me. 

SO over the drama,
Ashley

P.S.: I'm sorry you think you need to "knock (me) down a peg or two." It's sad that neither of you know me well enough to see how silly that is.


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 25, 2008)

Dr. K, (yes, folks, the one and only Dr. K)

It's not bad enough that you stand at my desk and imply I don't know my basic job skills. It's barely tolerable that you question every little thing I tell you, but I can deal with it most of the time. However, it takes a _*HELL*_ of a lot of nerve to place yourself in my personal space, grab my mouse and proceed to attempt to do something with my computer that I wasn't able to...not because it was beyond my ability, but because my computer itself has not been cooperating. As one who has been dealing with this problem for two days, I do believe I know what I'm talking about and no amount of you insisting that it's something I'm doing wrong is going to fix it. The next time you push my hand out of the way to touch my mouse, you may just draw back a bloody stump.  

I may be* just* a "secretary", but I'm pretty savvy and don't need you telling me how to do my job. 

Signed, 

Angry and Ready to Bite


----------



## Jane (Jun 25, 2008)

JoyJoy said:


> Dr. K, (yes, folks, the one and only Dr. K)
> 
> It's not bad enough that you stand at my desk and imply I don't know my basic job skills. It's barely tolerable that you question every little thing I tell you, but I can deal with it most of the time. However, it takes a _*HELL*_ of a lot of nerve to place yourself in my personal space, grab my mouse and proceed to attempt to do something with my computer that I wasn't able to...not because it was beyond my ability, but because my computer itself has not been cooperating. As one who has been dealing with this problem for two days, I do believe I know what I'm talking about and no amount of you insisting that it's something I'm doing wrong is going to fix it. The next time you push my hand out of the way to touch my mouse, you may just draw back a bloody stump.
> 
> ...



I am currently my boss's "Busy Work Betty" in chief.

In two days it will be someone else.

I can't WAIT for him to go on vacation. CAN NOT WAIT.


----------



## JoyJoy (Jun 25, 2008)

Jane said:


> I am currently my boss's "Busy Work Betty" in chief.
> 
> In two days it will be someone else.
> 
> I can't WAIT for him to go on vacation. CAN NOT WAIT.


 They're working on making Dr. K move his office down to the labs, where he should be since he's strictly research. If that happens, he will be out of my hair. I'm on my knees praying to every god that will listen, trust me. He's been a thorn in my side for 3 years now. 

Enjoy your vacation time.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jun 25, 2008)

Hey, at least you're not the boss' bitch. She doesn't ask you if her dog can live with you for 10 days while she's gone.

To clarify, I'm not talking about the head honcho, for those who know. I'm talking about the consigliere.


----------



## Jane (Jun 25, 2008)

TCUBOB said:


> Hey, at least you're not the boss' bitch. She doesn't ask you if her dog can live with you for 10 days while she's gone.
> 
> To clarify, I'm not talking about the head honcho, for those who know. I'm talking about the consigliere.



I believe the answer would be, "No."


----------



## Blackjack (Jun 25, 2008)

Dear Dad,

I know you're scared... but I wish you'd stop expecting that I'm not.

I've seen you excited, happy, sad, angry, drunk, and worried, but never scared like you have been recently.

When your father and mother died I saw you cry. That shocked me, since I'd never seen you crying before, and those are two of the only three or four occasions I can recall you crying. As I've grown older I've gotten used to that concept, but it's still shattering that you're as frightened as you are now.

And you know what? It scares me, too. It scares me because I've never seen you scared before, so it must be something really fucking terrifying you're afraid of. I'm scared by the glimpses that I get of it, the ideas, what I can see and foresee.

Stop expecting me to not be frightened. I can't be stronger than you are right now, and not as strong as I need to be for a while.

I love you so much... and although I'm flattered that you overestimate me, you see a strength that I can't touch yet, and I wish you wouldn't. It hurts that much more.

-Your Son.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 25, 2008)

Dear D-bags of the World,

Please stop. Stop it all. 

Stop creating issues where none exist because you're bored or feeling bitchy. 

Stop putting your feet in people's lives for fun not realizing the gigantic, hellish footprints you're leaving in your wake. 

Stop playing with emotions that don't belong to you and never will.

Stop doing things just to see if you can get away with it... you don't know the damage you can do with your games and tests. 

Stop fucking with people who have done nothing but have the poor fortune of coming in contact with you and now have a shitty, crappy feeling because you're obnoxious, overly-familiar, trying-to-prove-something ass just couldn't remain self-contained. 

Stop trying to get what others cherish and have earned. Earn it yourself, it will mean more. 


Sincerely, 
D-bag detector


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 25, 2008)

missaf said:


> Um.... d-bag? huh?



(douchebag)


----------



## Spanky (Jun 26, 2008)

Dear Douchebag Detector:

1. I lub your bunny avatar. It is my favorite. I have had more bunnies as pets than cats and dogs together. Lub the chubby cheeks. 

2. Thanks for the Winston Churchill quote in your sig. Didn't notice it but it is the kind of wisdom I needed after a day like today. 

Thanks,

Spanky


----------



## AnnMarie (Jun 26, 2008)

missaf said:


> I realize that part -- just wondering what the fuck is going on again.




Sorry, I misunderstood then. 

Nothing... lol, stop looking for posts, people - just needed to vent.... too many d-bags running around in life!


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Jun 26, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Dear friend and ex,
> 
> I'm so glad you're friends. Honestly. No problem with that at all. I wish nothing but total happiness for both of you. And I hope you both come to Labor Day and have a wonderful time.
> 
> ...



Don't know what's going on but sorry you are having to deal with garbage like that.


----------



## lipmixgirl (Jun 26, 2008)

dear madame,


you owe me 300 hours of back pay beginning with 2nd quarter 2007... please stop telling me "i know i owe you hours - we'll talk about that later"... 


i appreciate that you are giving me time off go to vegas even though you yourself will not be out of town... however, my mom wants to see me this summer & C (my coworker) is taking a full back to back 2 weeks off!!! (yes, i know this will be whilst you are out of town)...

and back to those 300 hours - please note that this money will be going towards a down payment on an apartment... although, you will never know that i am looking to purchase a home- because it is none of your business and i wouldn't even think to tell you even if i was being threatened with death ... you should only believe that i will have to rent for the rest of my life... 


alternatively, if you prefer,i am happy to take 8 weeks off with my regular weekly paycheck - in lieu of a lump sum payment...



FONDLY,
aris...


----------



## TraciJo67 (Jun 26, 2008)

Dear Unnamed Individual(s):

<Insert vaguely worded insults here... sprinkle liberally with just enough detail so the person/people you are talking about can figure out that yes, it's *you* being insulted ... while numerous other people can only sit back and wonder if it is them being targeted in the snark-o-rama>

Passive-aggressively Yours,
TraciJo67


----------



## Jane (Jun 26, 2008)

TraciJo67 said:


> Dear Unnamed Individual(s):
> 
> <Insert vaguely worded insults here... sprinkle liberally with just enough detail so the person/people you are talking about can figure out that yes, it's *you* being insulted ... while numerous other people can only sit back and wonder if it is them being targeted in the snark-o-rama>
> 
> ...



<Responds with feigned indignance while secretly gloating that anyone paid attention. Threathens to get on Huff-mobile.>


----------



## Jane (Jun 27, 2008)

Dear Facebook,

I realize you ask my age and do targeted ads, but No More Wrinkle Cream Ads. 

I mean it.

Jerks

Jane


----------



## BeaBea (Jun 27, 2008)

Dear Facebook

While you're about it could you lay off the 'Still Single at 40' ads? I could do without hearing them read in my Grandmothers voice too.

If they dont stop I'm telling Jane on you!

Tracey xx




Jane said:


> Dear Facebook,
> 
> I realize you ask my age and do targeted ads, but No More Wrinkle Cream Ads.
> 
> ...


----------



## Chimpi (Jun 27, 2008)

Dear Friend-I-Once-Had-But-No-Longer-Enjoy-Communicating-With-You,

I know I'm an asshole, but I really don't like standing around talking for almost an hour with you about nothing that I really want to talk about. I only do it because I don't want to be an immediate jackass about it. Also, I will not sign up on Facebook. Even if I were to sign up, I would never use my real / full name to begin with, so you'll never receive a "Friend Request" on Facebook from me (though you are already on my MySpace friends list).

Sincerely,
One of your ex-High School Trumpet Player mates

------------------------------------------

Dear *Blank*,

I'm not sure how you feel. You claim that I shouldn't assume things, especially after the one time I _did_ make an assumption and it spiraled down into a course of actions that you partook in. I did not appreciate the way you threw things away that we shared, and then demanded that I should "understand if you are a true friend." Friends usually talk things through, deal with the differences, and continue to be friends no matter what (obviously there are exceptions to the rule).
When you give implications that friendship is not near the forefront of your mood between us, try not to feel like I will assume you want to be my friend when 'the time is right'. Communication is necessary for a lack of trust to not be imminent. I cannot read your mind. I do not know what you speak of or what you want from me, nor how you view me. Furthermore, I do not understand why you feel you can't talk to me. Talking used to be a part of our communication, but is no longer an aspect of that between us.

Confusedly,
A Friend[?]


----------



## Fascinita (Jun 27, 2008)

Dear Neighbors,

Please be considerate. Please.

Sheesh,

Me

----

Dear Universe,

I want a fun 40th birthday. OK? And while we're at it, thanks for helping that outline for the novel come together so quickly (haha... "quickly" after five years brooding on it... yeah.) I am so happy. Now can we keep it going and get out an actual draft in the next year?

Your devoted,

Fasci :kiss2:


----------



## Donna (Jul 8, 2008)

Dear ________;

I'm sorry I am too stupid to immediately realize you suddenly dislike me so much. Silly me, I used to think we were friends. Not the best of friends, but I thought we were friends once. I consider myself a pretty sharp cookie _most of the time_, this is just one of those times I happened to be thick headed. No need to beat me over the head with your judgments and condemnations. I get it now. 

Despite your obvious hatred, Kindest Regards, 
Donna


----------



## Jane (Jul 9, 2008)

Donna said:


> Dear ________;
> 
> I'm sorry I am too stupid to immediately realize you suddenly dislike me so much. Silly me, I used to think we were friends. Not the best of friends, but I thought we were friends once. I consider myself a pretty sharp cookie _most of the time_, this is just one of those times I happened to be thick headed. No need to beat me over the head with your judgments and condemnations. I get it now.
> 
> ...



Dear _______ that Donna was referring to,

What are you? Stupid?

Not so kind regards, because I don't know you....

Jane


----------



## D_A_Bunny (Jul 9, 2008)

Dear Redneck Renting Neighbors-

Sorry that we had to end your little party last night, but my husband was right, when he yelled up to you, "It's not the 4th of July, anymore!!". I mean, I know getting drunk on a Tuesday night may get a bit boring, but really, do you need to subject your neighbors to your crappy, illegal, fireworks? 
And really, shouldn't your little 3 year old, be in bed, or at least in the house?

So, as if you didn't already figured it out, it was me who called the cops. And yes, we did spy and get quite excited that they got here so quickly and actually caught you in the act. Too bad for you that they made you clean up the street of the garbage and then actually confiscated the rest of them that you had.

Sincerely,
Your now happy cop calling neighbor


----------



## JoyJoy (Jul 9, 2008)

Dear Frat-house wannabe across the street, 

See previous post. Most people don't like it when you're loud after 10:00 pm (especially the family with very young kids living right next door). It's a generally quiet neighborhood, so you boys just keep on having parties on weeknights (or any night, really), several nights in a row, with the obligatory raucous laughter, blaring stereos, revving car engines and occasional rowdy fights, and I'll keep on calling the cops until they're so sick of coming out they finally write a citation. Otherwise, find a barn in the country where the neighbors won't care what you do until 3:00 am. 

Sincerely, 

Your fat, cranky neighbor.


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## Jane (Jul 9, 2008)

DumbAssBunny said:


> Dear Redneck Renting Neighbors-
> 
> Sorry that we had to end your little party last night, but my husband was right, when he yelled up to you, "It's not the 4th of July, anymore!!". I mean, I know getting drunk on a Tuesday night may get a bit boring, but really, do you need to subject your neighbors to your crappy, illegal, fireworks?
> And really, shouldn't your little 3 year old, be in bed, or at least in the house?
> ...



Why did your neighbors rent a redneck? I know plenty they could have for free!!!!


----------



## D_A_Bunny (Jul 9, 2008)

Jane said:


> Why did your neighbors rent a redneck? I know plenty they could have for free!!!!



Oh how true that is!


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 10, 2008)

Dear Self

please will you get it into your thick head that sometimes, not getting an answer to your text message IS an answer. Just because it's not the one you were hoping for doesn't mean you're going to get another one.

I'll give you another 24 hours of feeling sorry for yourself and then you're going to delete all the messages, emails and photos and forget about him. Ok!?!

Tracey xx


----------



## Jane (Jul 10, 2008)

BeaBea said:


> Dear Self
> 
> please will you get it into your thick head that sometimes, not getting an answer to your text message IS an answer. Just because it's not the one you were hoping for doesn't mean you're going to get another one.
> 
> ...



It also means he is passive aggressive, and I HATE THAT SHIT.


----------



## BeaBea (Jul 10, 2008)

Dear Jane
I love you :wubu:
Tracey xx


----------



## Chimpi (Jul 12, 2008)

Dear Ms. Chipi,

I am writing in the hopes that you will be reminded of how many smiles you have given, important messages you have taught (directly, indirectly, subtle, or boisterous) and terrific students you have produced.
You probably only have a brief recollection of me; I cannot be too sure. However, I remember my entire High School experience quite well (as most students/graduates might, methinks). Times of doubt, years lacking in structure, fond/warming memories and education mixed into everything; unfocused paths leading directly to who I am, who we all are today. I am personally proud of the experiences I have had in the past and welcoming of all the struggles, joys, difficulties, challenges and obstacles that remain.
To be honest, I cannot recall much of what I learned in any of my High School classes (including Chemistry). One of the profound realizations I have is that I require to understand how things work, why things happen, and how changes come about. I am fascinated with the subject. That was the core reason behind my joy of Chemistry and AP Chemistry. Among that joy was an inherent joviality for those two years. The combination was existentially remarkable; watching a teacher that enjoyed the day-in, day-out work interspersed with a personal behavior I truly enjoyed was enlightening and inspirational. The landmark you have accomplished in the span of two years helped form a very broad spectrum of being that I am proud to call my own. Your contribution to that is greatly appreciated. =)
The fundamentals of Chemistry are etched within my life, even if the specific teachings have corroded (somewhat of an exaggeration, but I enjoy the nexus). For what it's worth, thank you very much.
I hope you are doing well, and hope you're furthering the fine education of many a young soul. Were you ever able to receive that National Teachers Award (I believe that's what you were after...)? I hope so! In any case, I give you my best regards. Continue to be who you are, in all of your jovial, inspirational and wonderful glory. Hope you're having a good summer, and remember to buy gas today rather than tomorrow. The prices just keep on a rising. =P

Also, on a personal note, I am currently [still] working for "the man" (or in my case, "the woman and man"), have spent 5 years now in a job that does not extend my potential, keeping out of trouble, hoping for a greater future and was reminded recently that I have wanted to extend my gratitude (yet again) to you (and others thus far on my journey). To be blunt, I have kicked my own ass for not working harder than I allotted for myself back then, have paid for it dearly and am attempting to create my mark on this world. I recently turned 24 and have learned so many life lessons.
In the end, the clouds continue to sweep the skies and we have to remind ourselves why we are here and what we hope to accomplish.

Sincerely,
Justin
Class of 2001 Chemistry
Class of 2002 AP Chemistry

*I did actually send this letter (e-mail...) to her.*


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## mossystate (Jul 12, 2008)

Dear TraciJo,

I likes you lots..even if you do smell like stagnant cheese water.

:wubu:

Mossy



for real...I think you are a good nugget


----------



## Ash (Jul 14, 2008)

Dear world/fate/God/karma,

Stop fucking with my friends. Seriously. 

-Ashley


----------



## butch (Jul 16, 2008)

missaf said:


> To all my Dims friends,
> 
> Thanks so much for giving me the gift of friendship and your ears and listening skills over the years. The help I've received here has been immense, and it's days like today when I've driven 6 and a half hours around So Cal and couldn't stop to take a breath all day and my feet and knees are killing me -- that a friend calls and needs help with his divorce and child rearing issues, and I get to be there for him because of the gifts you gave me. Thanks for giving me to the tools to Pay it Forward.
> 
> ...



Dear Missa,

The feeling is mutual-thank you for all you've given us, and thank goodness we're here for each other in the many wonderful ways you mention.

Love,

Your Dims Friends


----------



## alienlanes (Jul 26, 2008)

Dear creepy awkward guy with no social skills who's in all of my classes,

PLEASE STOP INTERNET STALKING ME.

For the record, the reason my name doesn't show up on the online enrollment list for our cataloging class is because I had to do late registration since the course was overbooked. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

I'm nice to you because I try to be nice to people when they seem shy or out of place. But you're making me rethink this policy.





When I first got into library school, Jes told me there'd be days like this...


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jul 26, 2008)

Dear nice cousin of the kids whose graduation party I just attended,

Thank you so much for taking that stray kitten. I know your mom wasn't thrilled, but you obviously adore her and she enjoyed sitting with you for the last 2 hours. Calli wouldn't have appreciated someone else sharing her dominion, so I'm glad kitty [Stellaluna?] has a good home with such a beautiful and lovely young woman who needs company now that she's single again.

Happy kitty mom of one 

View attachment stellaluna.jpg


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Jul 26, 2008)

Dear Calli,

Please don't make me regret choosing you over that precious little stray kitty. I realize you have a thing for dairy products. I also realize you have a tendency to try to see what's on my plate or in my bowl. However, your inconsiderate decision to explore the plate holding my specially made mini waffle bowls smeared with white chocolate peanut butter and filled with country vanilla ice cream, resulting in the subsequent somersault of said snack, really was over the top even for you.

Your loving kitty mama

PS I admit, those drops of slightly melted ice cream splatter on your forehead fur were precious. It almost made me forgive you. Now please, let me eat the replacement treats in peace.


Dear Corelle,

Thank you for making a durable cat-seeking-dairy-proof product in a reasonably fashionable pattern that doesn't make me feel even more of a redneck than does my patio-slash-driveway. The aerodynamics of your product are impressive as well.

Sincerely,
A satisfied customer


Dear waffle bowls,

Please some with a self-replenishing supply feature. Thank you.

Your consumer, in both respects


----------



## mszwebs (Jul 27, 2008)

Dear Jack,

Thank you for having the perfect song lyric for this situation. 

_ If you would only listen, you might just realize what you're missin', you're missin' me. _ 

Its like talking to a friggin brick wall...


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Jul 27, 2008)

Dear painful abscess on my little boy's thigh:

Sulfa and I won round 1 today. Tomorrow the doc gets round 2.

If I find the spider that caused it, there will be no shoe big enough with which to stomp it into little spidery molecules. I'll burn it to cinders just to make sure.


----------



## Jane (Jul 27, 2008)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Dear painful abscess on my little boy's thigh:
> 
> Sulfa and I won round 1 today. Tomorrow the doc gets round 2.
> 
> If I find the spider that caused it, there will be no shoe big enough with which to stomp it into little spidery molecules. I'll burn it to cinders just to make sure.



A brown fiddleback spider got me on my right butt cheek when I was a kid. It took all summer for it to clear up with antibiotics and a cream I used every night.

I'm feeling for your son, Admiral.


----------



## Donna (Jul 28, 2008)

Dear unknown woman in the stall next to me at work today with the really ugly shoes,

It was a fart. As a human being, I am sure sometime in your life you have sat down to pee and also farted at the same time. The stupid fart didn't even stink, so it was completely unnecessary to make a comment through the wall decrying me as some foul pig. If one cannot fart in the bathroom, where is one expected to be able to fart, eh? And for what it's worth, I understand there are dudes on the Internet who would PAY to have me pee and fart in their presence. How's that grab ya?

Signed, 
the farter in the next stall with the really pretty toe nail polish whose not mad, more amused than anything else 

*********************************************************

Dear Sassy and Maggie;

Mommy loves you both very much. That's why she buys you the peanut butter treats from the organic pet food store. That's why she lets you sleep with her without getting upset about being awakened by doggy kisses an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off. I will continue to love you no matter what you do, but I am asking, no I am pleading...please do not drag Mommy and Daddy's dirty undies out of the laundry basket and then out to the living room when we have company. I know asking you not to do it completely is futile, as we all know who is really in charge around here. However, I am begging with you to at least reserve your pantie raids for family time. 

Love, Mommy whose benevolent opposable thumbs open the treat jar and the kibble bag :doh:


----------



## Chimpi (Jul 28, 2008)

Dear people of the world,

Fart more.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Jul 29, 2008)

Jane said:


> A brown fiddleback spider got me on my right butt cheek when I was a kid. It took all summer for it to clear up with antibiotics and a cream I used every night.
> 
> I'm feeling for your son, Admiral.


Well, extracting a teaspoon of pus from the wound the other night helped markedly; the doc says the bite (if it is in fact that...he said it could simply be an infected scratch or a puncture...anything to get staph into the wound) is responding wonderfully--this morning the swelling was all down.

Either way it proved to me how friggin dangerous a simple bite or cut can be these days. With all the MRSA and VRSA going around, you have maybe 72 hours before the onset of sepsis or a deep tissue infection.

He'll have a hard mark on his thigh for about 2 months but all should be fine in a week or so once everything heals. Thanks for the sympathy.


----------



## Jane (Jul 29, 2008)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Well, extracting a teaspoon of pus from the wound the other night helped markedly; the doc says the bite (if it is in fact that...he said it could simply be an infected scratch or a puncture...anything to get staph into the wound) is responding wonderfully--this morning the swelling was all down.
> 
> Either way it proved to me how friggin dangerous a simple bite or cut can be these days. With all the MRSA and VRSA going around, you have maybe 72 hours before the onset of sepsis or a deep tissue infection.
> 
> He'll have a hard mark on his thigh for about 2 months but all should be fine in a week or so once everything heals. Thanks for the sympathy.



I blame overuse of antibiotics, and that damned antibacterial everything.


----------



## JoyJoy (Jul 29, 2008)

missaf said:


> Dear Tattoo Artist Sean,
> 
> I love you. No really, not in a sexual way, but in that considerate artsy way.
> 
> ...


 Pics?? Pweeze???


----------



## out.of.habit (Jul 29, 2008)

JoyJoy said:


> Pics?? Pweeze???



Ditto! morecharacters


----------



## mszwebs (Jul 30, 2008)

Dear L____,

I'm sorry for snapping at you like that...especially since I wasn't even pissed about the current situation.

The reason I went off was because sometimes you make comments that make me uncomfortable. Like today, when you said "I finally got Jess to run." However you meant it, to me, it was a personal attack about my weight. And its not the first time that something you have said has come
across like that. When you would constantly bug me about the water, because it's SO much healthier. When you would comment on the fact that I brought lunch from home (I'm SO proud of you...)... or in turn, that I was ordering out for lunch...again.


I am happy with myself. I don't need to lose weight to be happy or to find a boyfriend, because there are plenty of guys that I know that like me the way I look right now. Granted, they all seem to live a friggin million miles away, lol, but they're out there. They do exist. I don't need to be thin to be beautiful because I already am and I don't even want to be thin. So if the comments are coming from a concerned place, then thank you for the thoughts, as its nice to be loved, but I'm good the way I am. 

I know you're not trying to be hurtful intentionally and again, I am VERY SORRY that I exploded on you the way I did this afternoon. It was like all of a sudden it was just coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop it...all of a sudden, I was just going off about something that had happened hours before...and something that I should have said something about long before
this.

Please accept my apology for the way I reacted this afternoon.

Love,

Jess


----------



## liz (di-va) (Jul 30, 2008)

Dear Jebus:

Hunh?

Yours, etc.
Me

p.s. This letter brought to you by _Madonna's Greatest Hits 2_, too much delicious but energy-hoisting/-crashing sorbet, the gossip grapevine, the tenacity of the human heart, good things, bad things, cumulative things, anniversary syndrome, a desire to be completely unclear in my specifics, an inability to be anything but unclear in my specifics, an exhausted sense that up is down and down is up and what I want is not what I in fact want, nevermind what I need, but that I can't make things slide around 180 degrees anyhow and I'm not talking about anything but a smallish thing but it doesn't matter anyhow, thanks, still it pulses. I think maybe things are supposed to be...different. Or they _were_?


----------



## SummerG (Jul 30, 2008)

Dear Liz,

Your run on sentences make me love you even more, and I am amazed that at almost 4am I actually kinda understand what you were saying.

Love,
Me, SummahGee, WHATWHAT! word.


----------



## TCUBOB (Jul 30, 2008)

Dear Life:

If you're going to continue to toy with me like a cat with a mouse, can you just get it over with? Go ahead and crush my new job hopes and my personal life at the same time, why don't you? It's much more energy-efficient, if not as much fun, to drop the hammer all at once than to drag it out. 

Bob


----------



## Carrie (Jul 30, 2008)

Dear Universe, 

You're just full of nifty little surprises, aren't you? 

Sincerely,
Me.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Jul 30, 2008)

Jane said:


> I blame overuse of antibiotics, and that damned antibacterial everything.


 
Well, for the record I am not one to rush to the doctor for the boys for every sniffle and sneeze. They both have a history of ear infections (regardless of tubes) and we try to wait a good 4-5 days for them to manifest the real symptoms (vomiting, nausea, dizziness). With the inner ear stuff I know it's terribly painful, but there's only so much you can do with Tylenol. That and the whole threat of permanent ear damage if you do nothing.

Most everything else just gets to run it's course. If this leg wound hadn't fulminated so rapidly, I wouldn't have been concerned; it went from interesting to bad to holy shit we need to get this checked out within 36 hours. 

The scary thing was my pediatrician said of the wound cultures they perform taken from visits to their offices, over 60% are MRSA positive. That scared the crap out of me.

As for the soaps, I do agree the antibiotic aspect is silly, since realistically there is almost NOTHING that responds to the main ingredient (Triclosan) anymore. If you have a quaternary ammonium salt like a benzalkonium chloride you will get some action on bacteria, but take any college-level microbiology lab experiment - the kind where you put little discs soaked with a disinfectant/microbicide of choice into a growing culture of lab-strains, the only standard disinfectant thing that kills effectively is a 10% solution of bleach or 70% isopropanol. Even though I don't actively buy antibiotic soaps, I still follow up with the boys a few times each night with a hand wash of the Germ-X alcohol gel.

Kids are Petri dishes, plain and simple. Add in a daycare environment and they become little, mobile Hot Zones. Some days I just want to build a 4-level containment facility ala Andromeda Strain and decon them when they walk in the door.

"It's ok, son, that's just the smell of your top 3 layers of skin being flash burned away"


----------



## Jane (Jul 30, 2008)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Well, for the record I am not one to rush to the doctor for the boys for every sniffle and sneeze. They both have a history of ear infections (regardless of tubes) and we try to wait a good 4-5 days for them to manifest the real symptoms (vomiting, nausea, dizziness). With the inner ear stuff I know it's terribly painful, but there's only so much you can do with Tylenol. That and the whole threat of permanent ear damage if you do nothing.
> 
> Most everything else just gets to run it's course. If this leg wound hadn't fulminated so rapidly, I wouldn't have been concerned; it went from interesting to bad to holy shit we need to get this checked out within 36 hours.
> 
> ...



Not your kids, silly...everybody for sixty years sticking 1/2 an adequate dosage of antibiotics down their throat for everything. We've made superbugs, you know that.

AND THEY STILL DO IT.

One lady I worked with got antibiotics everytime she went to the doctor, even when it was a virus.

I wanted to smack that doctor upside the head. The word is "No." Get used to saying it.

And Admiral...let your kids develop immunities. Please. This is from a woman whose sister was kept so clean as a child that she got sick all the time. Let them eat some dirt.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Jul 30, 2008)

Jane said:


> Not your kids, silly...everybody for sixty years sticking 1/2 an adequate dosage of antibiotics down their throat for everything. We've made superbugs, you know that.
> 
> AND THEY STILL DO IT.
> 
> ...


Well, in part society created this entitlement dilemma. Show me a mom refused antibiotics by her pediatrician and told to let her vomiting, miserably sick child tough it out, and I'll show you one going to a different doctor.

It's an evolutionary pissing contest. We make antibiotics, the bugs develop resistance, we just make newer, more toxic antibiotics. I never said it was an effective path, but it's what we set things up as. What absolutely kills me is the lack of differential tests performed. When I was a kid, if you had a sore throat or an ear infection, you got a culture done, 24 hrs later you were either told it's a virus and ride it out or given an Rx for strep. No one DOES this anymore (because, oddly enough, insurance companies say it costs too much money). A little diagnostic care and pre-treatment initiatives would do bucketloads against treating illnesses with unnecessary antibiotics. The only in-office test my son got once was a throat test for bacterial influenza because it was a 20 minute test and it easily spread throughout an office.

And I DO let my kids develop immunities. I probably gave a boys in the bubble impression, but I don't run after them after they touch everything. If they dig their hand in a diaper and come up with poo-encrusted fingernails, I'm gonna clean that up before they go dipping fingers into the dinner plate. Boogers and dried snot I'm gonna clean up. I don't abhor daycare for the things it does because it's a harm/win situation. A colleague had a child she kept socially isolated for almost 2 years as a SAHM. The kid had ten kinds of illnesses when he went to preschool, and was easily sick 50% of his time with one thing or another.

My issue was more with the mom bringing in Typhoid Mark or Mary when she knew they were sick because she or daddy couldn't keep them home a day when the infection was most contagious. My oldest boy's daycare had one family that was eventually asked to leave; their kid was only there one day a week and he was the goddamn capuchin monkey from Outbreak every time--spitting and barfing and getting his infection spread throughout in only a day.


----------



## Tad (Jul 30, 2008)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> W I don't abhor daycare for the things it does because it's a harm/win situation. A colleague had a child she kept socially isolated for almost 2 years as a SAHM. The kid had ten kinds of illnesses when he went to preschool, and was easily sick 50% of his time with one thing or another.
> .



I'm convinced that this is the primary value of kindergarten: to even up the immune systems of all the kids, so that the ones who were not in daycare don't miss half of grade one.


----------



## Jane (Jul 30, 2008)

Admiral_Snackbar said:


> Well, in part society created this entitlement dilemma. Show me a mom refused antibiotics by her pediatrician and told to let her vomiting, miserably sick child tough it out, and I'll show you one going to a different doctor.
> 
> It's an evolutionary pissing contest. We make antibiotics, the bugs develop resistance, we just make newer, more toxic antibiotics. I never said it was an effective path, but it's what we set things up as. What absolutely kills me is the lack of differential tests performed. When I was a kid, if you had a sore throat or an ear infection, you got a culture done, 24 hrs later you were either told it's a virus and ride it out or given an Rx for strep. No one DOES this anymore (because, oddly enough, insurance companies say it costs too much money). A little diagnostic care and pre-treatment initiatives would do bucketloads against treating illnesses with unnecessary antibiotics. The only in-office test my son got once was a throat test for bacterial influenza because it was a 20 minute test and it easily spread throughout an office.
> 
> ...



LOL...I swear I have worked with the parents, then. They bring it all to work as well. Sneeze near you, rub their running noses then hand you papers, sit there with a fever, but take off if they're not contagious. Sheesh!!!

As long as you let those kids get exposed, I'm happy with you. And, no, poo hands are not good.

We found that explaining that giving little Johnny/Joanne (okay, Heath/Heather) an antibiotic this time may keep it from working next time did a pretty good job. Explaining goes a long way. Now, they have instant strep kits, but I hear of doctors guessing as much as running a $15 test. Another thing I notice, no one runs routine urinalysis anymore. It's a freakin' $10 test that gives you a wealth of information.


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Jul 30, 2008)

Jane said:


> We found that explaining that giving little Johnny/Joanne (okay, Heath/Heather) an antibiotic this time may keep it from working next time did a pretty good job. Explaining goes a long way. Now, they have instant strep kits, but I hear of doctors guessing as much as running a $15 test. Another thing I notice, no one runs routine urinalysis anymore. It's a freakin' $10 test that gives you a wealth of information.


Well, it's the American way: Why spend $10 on a test when you can spend $50 on antibiotics and another $100 on two follow up visits.

I don't like how the math is lookin' dere, Lou.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 4, 2008)

Dear darling, beautiful baby Mary Elizabeth,

Welcome to the world. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that this is your first-ever Monday, that you've never experienced one before, that tomorrow is your first-ever Tuesday. Everything is your first-ever. You're so beautiful and sweet and innocent and good, and the pressure your parents must be feeling to mold you, and shape you, and teach you, their first beautiful little baby, must be immense. I looked into my cousin's eyes and knew her life would never be the same - and she knew it, too. Before, it was just her and him - and now there's you. 

If you can't tell, you're my first "family" baby that's been born close enough that I've gotten to meet you. It's so surreal - it's so, for lack of a better phrase, "Circle of Life." It's amazing to think that just a week ago you had never taken a breath, and now you're a tiny, fragile little person with so many people that love her. 

Your mommy has named me your honorary aunt - and I hope you'll see me like that, too. No matter what you need, I'll always be here for you. If there are ever things you're not comfortable talking to Mom and Dad about - I'm here. If you need a shoulder, I'm here.

...I'm here.

And I'm so glad YOU are here.

Lots and Lots of Love,

Your Aunt Ginny

View attachment Mary Elizabeth.jpg

*Mary Elizabeth
Born July 30, 2008
7 pounds, 12 ounces*​


----------



## Ash (Aug 5, 2008)

Dear roommate,

You came back from South America today and promptly brought your annoying, grouchy, dog-hating ex over for dinner. I was, as always, forced to spend the evening in my room because Ben can't tolerate having Charlie within 10 feet of him. 

However, the dog has to go out sometimes. I don't appreciate the looks I get when I leave my room for 5 minutes. Don't act like I'm an intruder in my own damn living room. I pay a lot to live here, and I'd like to be able to move around the apartment freely, thanks. 

I think I'd like you much more if I didn't have to live with you. 

Your aggravated roommate,
Ashley


----------



## sweet&fat (Aug 6, 2008)

Dear Ashley,

Sorry for the roommate troubles! What kind of dog is Charlie (great dog name), and is there a pic of the pup in question? 





Ashley said:


> Dear roommate,
> 
> You came back from South America today and promptly brought your annoying, grouchy, dog-hating ex over for dinner. I was, as always, forced to spend the evening in my room because Ben can't tolerate having Charlie within 10 feet of him.
> 
> ...


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 6, 2008)

A) IMHO, people who hate dogs without a really good reason (allergies, family mauled to death by chihuahuas, sexually molested by a trusted poodle) are d-bags. 
B) Umm.....if he's her ex....not to put too fine a point on it, but why is he over? Lonely? "Staying friends?" Came back from the Southern Hemisphere with an itch she couldn't scratch?

I know, I know....not pertinent. Sorry, Charlie (heh)!


----------



## Tad (Aug 7, 2008)

Dear Brothers-in-law and Uncle-in-Law;

Yah, I get that you are shocked by your father/brother's death, and want to do right by him. You were grieving. And funeral homes are no doubt very smooth about all of this stuff.

But agreeing to eleven thousand dollars of funerary expenses without having any idea of how you would pay for it was a dumb-ass move, and I can't help but be rather ticked by it. Ditto that you agreed to all of it without consulting us. I know we are hours away and you were there, but you have cell phones, all of you.

I am no doubt a hard hearted bastard, and your sister/niece a cold hearted bitch, but yes we would have asked what everything cost before agreeing to it, and we would probably have asked about cheaper options in some ways. That huge shiny black casket that looks like it is strong enough to transport industrial waste, does it really make a difference in the end? Did Dad really know so many people that three visitation sessions needed to be booked? Maybe putting some effort into finding his will, in case he'd left instructions, before agreeing to everythign would also have been good, given that your mom says he used to say he wanted to be cremated.

So yes, we will pay our share, and possibly even more if we can, and hopefully Dad did still have insurance that will cover this, eventually. I will share your sorrow. But I'm still going to be annoyed about this.


----------



## Ash (Aug 7, 2008)

Dear Bob and s&f:

Charlie is a mutt. Some sort of schnauzer/terrier/somethin' else. My best guess is that he's about a year old. He is 18 pounds of pure crazy energy, but he's a lot of fun. And hardly as terrifying as the roommate's ex makes him out to be. 

You know, I'd really like to know why the ex keeps coming over. He's an ass, for the most part, and it's not like he's even useful. I think she brings him over every now and again so she doesn't feel unwanted. Even though he broke up with her. But he'd still like to sleep with her. He's a peach that way. 

Clearly the logic escapes me here. She's not very emotionally mature, this roommate of mine, despite the fact that she's 8 years older than me. Again, she'd be lovely if I didn't have to live with her.

But, on the plus side, Charlie is cute! Picture below!

View attachment 366001268110_0_ALB.jpg
View attachment DSC00151.jpg


----------



## BeaBea (Aug 7, 2008)

Dear Charlie

Take no notice what the stupid room mate or her ex-boyfriend say. We think you're lovely!

From your Dims Fan Club :wubu:


----------



## Jane (Aug 7, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Dear Bob and s&f:
> 
> Charlie is a mutt. Some sort of schnauzer/terrier/somethin' else. My best guess is that he's about a year old. He is 18 pounds of pure crazy energy, but he's a lot of fun. And hardly as terrifying as the roommate's ex makes him out to be.
> 
> ...



Sometimes dogs can smell "ass" a mile away. Maybe that's what the bf fears.


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 7, 2008)

Charlie is a good-looking pooch, Ashley! 

And it's not my place, but your roommate's....whatever he is.....is a douchebag. It's a technical term for those (yes, I know, guys, mostly....) who break up with someone but take advantage of their low self-esteem or whatever to continue to "get milk, sans cow." For lack of a better, less degrading analogy.


----------



## BeaBea (Aug 12, 2008)

Dear *****

We are having a very grown up relationship based on mutual respect, honesty, enjoyment of each others company and astonishingly excellent sex. We both agreed that we're not looking for anything serious. We both agreed to keep things simple and uncomplicated.

I'm very sorry but I've fallen in love with you. Completely, utterly, head over heels, butterflies in stomach if you send me a text message, heart skips a beat when we talk, cant sleep the night before we meet, fatally, disastrously, passionately, wonderfully in love. 

I realise that my heart is about to be smashed into a million tiny pieces but thats ok, it's happened before and I got over it. I have no doubt that with a lot of angst and self recrimination I will eventually get over you too. Please know however that I intend to enjoy every single amazing second until it goes wrong, and also that I will do everything I possibly can to keep the casualty count to one.

Tracey xx


----------



## mossystate (Aug 13, 2008)

Dear _________ ,


Not everything is about you, or needs to be about you. Do you never tire of it, or do you just never see it. Either way, please just stop.


Thanks , 


Monique


----------



## Jane (Aug 13, 2008)

mossystate said:


> Dear _________ ,
> 
> 
> Not everything is about you, or needs to be about you. Do you never tire of it, or do you just never see it. Either way, please just stop.
> ...



It is too...you lie. It's all about me, me, me.

On another note, someone on my political board informed to last night that I was fat. Who knew?


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Aug 13, 2008)

Dear friends:

You've been seeing each other on and off for, oh, 5 years now. It's a 900 mile, casual friends with benefits thing. He doesn't want marriage or children, and you want those both. You've been married and went through years of hell and horrible treatment in a divorce, he's 33 living with his folks and has never been in a serious cohabitating relationship.

He's there for you through it all, ups downs, hearing of your local bar encounters and asshole boyfriends in intimate, carnal detail. Through it all and a fog of mild jealousy and bewilderment, he stomachs it all because deep down he loves you on many levels and does want you happy and safe. He is one level above an intellectual whore, because in some cases he actually gets to have sex with you.

You tell him to find someone else closer, see if he can get the spark going, because you want more than he is willing to give and somehow letting him go to find his local love will take away some of your heartache. When he finally tells you that he did meet someone and she is wonderful, you absolutely fucking LOSE IT. He crushed your heart, he destroyed your friendship, el fucking finito.

He's not your boyfriend, he's not your fiancee, he's a guy you fuck and love to hang out with when you visit each other. He's been an emotional and financial support for you when things were at their absolute worst. Don't put shackles around his freedom to see other women when you have basically _carte blanche_ with guys you meet on weekends. Double standards in this case make no friggin' sense. 

Just take a chill pill for a week and let the emo settle to tolerable levels.


----------



## Tina (Aug 13, 2008)

Jane said:


> It is too...you lie. It's all about me, me, me.
> 
> On another note, someone on my political board informed to last night that I was fat. Who knew?



Good God!!! It's a good thing they informed you, or you'd have continued living the rest of your life without knowing that important fact. 

Where do these anal warts come from, anyway?


----------



## mszwebs (Aug 13, 2008)

Dear Donnie, Danny, Jordan, Joe and Jon,

I'm torn. I'm torn between thanking you for your new single Summertime, because I adore it...and hating you because its always stuck in my head. 

May your next single be as infectious and may it come out SOON, so I can get this out of my head. 


Love forever,

Jessie (fan club member since 1989)


----------



## Jane (Aug 13, 2008)

Tina said:


> Good God!!! It's a good thing they informed you, or you'd have continued living the rest of your life without knowing that important fact.
> 
> Where do these anal warts come from, anyway?



He went on from there...I told him this morning I hoped the venting helped him.

I also told I at least he stopped short of calling me the horrible "four-eyes" that always breaks my heart.


----------



## Carrie (Aug 13, 2008)

Dear ex, 

Seeing you in chat the other night for the first time in a very long time was interesting, in that it wasn't even a little bit interesting. I had no reaction to seeing your name and picture in the sidebar aside from, "Ehh" and a shrug. You were pretty awful to me, so I'm glad I was able to purge your toxins so completely from my system since we parted. 

Sincerely,
~Your ex-hope for a green card.


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 15, 2008)

Dear dry cleaner: 

Dude. Not cool. Not cool at all. I get dressed when it's dark out, and since I don't have Broadway spotlights in my room, I can sometimes have trouble telling my dark blue suit from my black. The jacket was dark blue, I put on the pants, picked up jacket, walked out door. Drove to work. Went to desk. Didn't have to put on jacket until later, when walking across to my job interview with the tech boys. When I stepped outside, I realized that while my jacket was BLUE, my pants were BLACK. 

Seriously, FUCK YOU. You made me look like a clown. If clowns wore suits. I had two choices: Explain (um, dry cleaner error or pretend I'm colorblind or something) or just strut the strut. I chose the second, but felt like a moron for every minute of it. Thanks, and thanks for making me look like I dress myself....if I were four.

Bob


----------



## stan_der_man (Aug 15, 2008)

*Here is a real email I received yesterday:*



> Stan,
> 
> The following tasks need to be completed before the end of August. They are listed in order of importance.
> 
> ...




*This is my response I sent back to him last night:*

Thanks for the summary. I'll add them to the list of other things I
also need to do for the other departments. 


Stan



*Here was his response I just received today:*



> I put 8 of the 9 new power strips for 102 and 117 in your office. I bought
> out Home Depot, so I'll check Lowes soon. You got the extra hardware last
> time, so I didn't know what to get. The six 5-ft tables in Room 102 are
> more pressing than the last three tables in 117.




*Here is the response I'd like to write back:*

Dear Dr. DW,

You obviously aren't understanding the premise of my first response. I'm only one person, there are only so many things I can do in a day, and Physics isn't the only department in need of tasks to be done. I will add these "emergencies" to the list of my other "emergencies" and will get them done as soon as humanly possible.


Thx,

Stan


----------



## Jane (Aug 15, 2008)

A friend of mine was asked by the Dean of his College to send out an email requesting a brief bio for each professor.

The chair of the Dept. of Modern Languages (the man teaches Latin and Sanskrit) send back a powerpoint (BAH HISS) to be put on the website.

My friend set up the website, copying the text from the powerpoint to fit in with the design of the site.

The professor stormed in asking why his powerpoint hadn't been used, and then telling my friend he was sure it wasn't his fault because they probably didn't give him the authority to make these decisions. My friend told him that, yes, indeed, it was his decision, and he followed the overall theme of the site rather than hodge-podging everything.

Chair storms into the Dean and says he wishes they could hire people who could follow instructions. My suggestion: You mean like sending back a Short Bio?

Somehow all the assholes seem to be coming to the surface the last two weeks.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 15, 2008)

Dear Kyle,

You scare me...Seriously. I haven't felt this way about someone in 8 years. The last week has been amazing and last night was the most beautiful night of my life. Thank you.

Please call me when you get home from California. Please tell me that you're 1/2 as interested in me as I am in you. Please tell me that when you kissed me goodbye this morning you felt the same butterflies. I couldn't focus at all today and have cried on and off. It's been 8 long years. Please don't hurt me.

Please.

Signed,
The fat girl who is absolutely, positively head over heels for you.


----------



## Donna (Aug 15, 2008)

Dear The fat girl who is absolutely, positively head over heels for Kyle;

I hope it works out for you both.

Signed, 
An old married woman who still gets butterflies


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 16, 2008)

Dear Donna,

Thank you so much. I'm very apprehensive, but hopeful as well.

Misty


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 16, 2008)

Dear Misty, 

I can't wait to hear all about this!

love, 

Bets


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Aug 16, 2008)

missaf said:


> Dear Clubhouse friends,
> 
> I hope this picture shows just a hint of how much fun I had last week
> 
> ...



Great picture, you look like you were having a really good time!


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 16, 2008)

OH Missa!

What a great picture! I've been wondering what the lucky fella looked like!


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 16, 2008)

What a CUTIE, Missa! (and he's not half bad, either! )


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 16, 2008)

Dear person who left this gem in my OKCupid inbox:



> bbw??????i just diggit ...stix r for kids ...rite??? let me get sum pix up /// white and native american 45 on the hunt ...no kids lookin 4 that one full figured gal 2.........lust u .........



You know, as honored as I am that you took vast quantities of your time to draft this eloquent missive, I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass on your offer. Good luck finding that "one full-figured gal." I'm quite certain it isn't me.

Thanks,

A full-figured gal with, oh, I don't know - standards.


----------



## Jane (Aug 16, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear person who left this gem in my OKCupid inbox:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I don't know, it says to me he's unemployed, married but looking to breed...HEY!!!


----------



## TCUBOB (Aug 17, 2008)

<adds interwebz gramer to list of things he loves>



BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear person who left this gem in my OKCupid inbox:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## liz (di-va) (Aug 17, 2008)

Dear Mr. __:

Here are some platitudes for your delectation:


 put your money where your mouth is
 sh*t or get off the pot
 time waits for no man
 less talk, more action
 more matter, less art
 life is short
 he who hesitates
 make hay while the sun shines
 use it or lose it
Just saying. You can sprinkle them on your breakfast cereal if you want.

Love and a big passive aggressive look at your watch,
Ms. E.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 17, 2008)

out.of.habit said:


> Dear Misty,
> 
> I can't wait to hear all about this!
> 
> ...



Dear Bets,

I'm waiting to see if there's anything to tell. He comes home today. Hopefully we pick up where we left off. I'll share...eventually 

Misty


----------



## SummerG (Aug 17, 2008)

liz (di-va) said:


> Dear Mr. __:
> 
> Here are some platitudes for your delectation:
> 
> ...



Dear Liz, I'm quoting this, and just replacing "Dear Mr___ " with "Dear Stupid Boy" and "Love..." with "Sincerely the most patient chick on the planet"

hehehe


----------



## liz (di-va) (Aug 17, 2008)

SummerG said:


> Dear Liz, I'm quoting this, and just replacing "Dear Mr___ " with "Dear Stupid Boy" and "Love..." with "Sincerely the most patient chick on the planet"
> hehehe



hey...use it however ya need! For whatever!


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 17, 2008)

liz (di-va) said:


> hey...use it however ya need! For whatever!


Oh good. I plan to paper myself with it, papier-mache style.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 18, 2008)

Dear Phone,

Please Ring.

Misty

_____________________________________________________________


Dear Me,

Do. NOT. Cry. 

Love,
Me


----------



## SummerG (Aug 20, 2008)

Dear Fucktard Who Stole My Debit Card Number,

I'm currently musing over different ways I would torture you if I knew who you were. You suck. Bet you didn't think I would notice the $1.12 charge eh? Or were you just testing the waters before you tried again for $94? You disgust me, and as much as I can't stand the Bank of America with all their stupid fees, they have me singing their praises for being easy and quick to deal with this. I hope you fry.

Signed,
The Girl Who Keeps Track of Every Penny and is Slowly Losing Faith in Humanity


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 20, 2008)

missaf said:


> Dear Wesley Crusher,
> 
> I'm such a fangurl. I took a wonderful photo of you in Vegas and sent it to your evil twin, Wil Wheaton.
> 
> ...




SERIOUSLY!? That's awesome.


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 21, 2008)

missaf said:


> Ya
> 
> He said:



Well that's fantastic. Who knew he was so good about answering e-mail?  How cool, Missa.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Aug 21, 2008)

Dear Kyle,

Thank you for proving me right. I had hopes that you were a man of your word and that the chemistry I felt was real. It was so great to hear from you and I'm glad you weren't present in the room to hear my squeal of glee.

Signed,

A very smiley fat girl


________________________________________________________


Dear Betsy,

I promise to spill the beans about Kyle soon. I have a very busy weekend preparing for a trip to NM next week. 

Thank you for always being a cheerleader for my team 

Love you!

Misty


_______________________________________________________


Dear Ashley,

Thank you for you know what.

Love,
Misty


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 21, 2008)

Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!


----------



## BeaBea (Aug 21, 2008)

Dear Misty,

I'm sorry if my transatlantic squeal of glee startled you, it was just great to read your news.

Signed,

Another very smiley fat girl


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 22, 2008)

Dear Missa,

I am TOTALLY jealous. Wesley Crusher was one of my first crushes. :wubu: :wubu: :wubu:

Helllooooo, hotness. *swoon*


----------



## supersoup (Aug 22, 2008)

dearest dogs,

SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY.

tired of your barking,
she who knows where the cookies are



ashley,

pizzahut totally stole your bacon mac n cheese thing. i still want to eat the hell out of some of it.

ilu,
manda




hey me,

try to pack light. i know, futile, but i can say i tried.

me




hey me again,

you rule. a lot. 

duh, 
me



dear people i love a lot,

NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!

love,
soup


----------



## mszwebs (Aug 22, 2008)

Dear Jerk,

I saw your little note today. How quaint. Was that supposed to be some kind of punishment for whatever wrong I'm suposed to have done? Or perhaps that was the international symbol for 'give the fuck up, it's never going to happen?'

The problem is... I'm not feeling punished. 

Now I'm pissed.


----------



## supersoup (Aug 22, 2008)

dear sir, 

please make a vlog, announcing your love for super fat gingers, and sing me a song declaring said love.

you so sexy,
soup, a super fat ginger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsqneQ2F2Aw


----------



## out.of.habit (Aug 22, 2008)

supersoup said:


> dear sir,
> 
> please make a vlog, announcing your love for super fat gingers, and sing me a song declaring said love.
> 
> ...



Well, this one got me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvXc1t_CDgM


----------



## supersoup (Aug 22, 2008)

out.of.habit said:


> Well, this one got me.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvXc1t_CDgM



oh man, his cover of ex factor by lauren hill...yow-za. i love that song. for an amateur, dude is pretty good.

*singing badly to the dogs*


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 24, 2008)

BigBeautifulMe said:


> Dear person who left this gem in my OKCupid inbox:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



When I didn't respond to your original missive, it wasn't a hint that I wasn't interested? I'm not sure what prompted you to follow that gem up with this one:



> i digg bbw //// titsnass //thats where im goin hun /// i live in [edited out]. lets meet at NATUAL BRIDGE n go for the tour . whatya think....no expectations other than walk .



Uh, no. Keep walking. Kthxbai.


----------



## Blackjack (Aug 24, 2008)

Random tangent:

I went to the Natural Bridge (or *A* Natural Bridge in VA, at least) a long time ago. It was really cool.

</tangent>


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Aug 24, 2008)

Kevin, is that you sending me those messages?  

You're right, it is cool.  And it would be a great date idea, you know, if I wanted to date someone who signs things "lust u" and "I like titsnass."


----------



## Sweet Tooth (Aug 24, 2008)

OMG, I was in Providence once, walking from the convention center to my hotel, and I stopped on this little bridge to take a breather and get some pics of downtown... and I swear, this car drove by me a bunch of times and then this guy got out and started to talk to me. Apparently he was supposed to meet someone on this bridge and thought I was her... and didn't seem to believe me when I denied I was the person he wanted to meet.

WTF is it with bridges? Seriously, I wouldn't want to meet a strange man on a bridge. LOL


----------



## Jane (Aug 24, 2008)

Sweet Tooth said:


> OMG, I was in Providence once, walking from the convention center to my hotel, and I stopped on this little bridge to take a breather and get some pics of downtown... and I swear, this car drove by me a bunch of times and then this guy got out and started to talk to me. Apparently he was supposed to meet someone on this bridge and thought I was her... and didn't seem to believe me when I denied I was the person he wanted to meet.
> 
> WTF is it with bridges? Seriously, I wouldn't want to meet a strange man on a bridge. LOL



I would be afraid he's really a troll.


----------



## Santaclear (Aug 24, 2008)

Sweet Tooth said:


> WTF is it with bridges? Seriously, I wouldn't want to meet a strange man on a bridge. LOL



Drawbridges are _amazing!_ :smitten:


----------



## Tad (Aug 25, 2008)

Jane said:


> I would be afraid he's really a troll.



*GRRROOOAAAANNNN*


----------



## SparklingBBW (Aug 25, 2008)

Jane said:


> I would be afraid he's really a troll.



Jane, you sure he wasn't a billy goat? I thought Trolls were UNDER bridges. 

.


----------



## Jane (Aug 25, 2008)

Genarose54 said:


> Jane, you sure he wasn't a billy goat? I thought Trolls were UNDER bridges.
> 
> .



But they are under there to capture the Billy Goats.


----------



## supersoup (Aug 25, 2008)

grammy,

wednesday is gonna be one year since you left. i don't know why, but i'm not handling it so well. i didn't realize until i looked at the date tonight, and then it just hit me. i am completely terrible at dealing with feelings, and sort of a mess. i hate how you left us, and that it was due to something that could have been prevented. i miss you so much. i'm not real sure of what i believe in, but i'd like to think you and gramps are swirling around the stars together, content and happy.

yours,
mandy


----------



## Chimpi (Aug 25, 2008)

Dear Emmy Rossum,

Your role and performance in *The Phantom Of The Opera* is something I thoroughly enjoy. Your voice is borderline perfect, almost "too perfect," but is still within the realm of manageable talent. The discovery of your new CD with music that I find to be commercial, yet interestingly creative is a delight on top. Thank you for putting yourself out there and creating your new CD, Inside Out.

Fan Dangoly yours,
A boy that likes fans (the appliance)

---------------------------

Dear Man-Sir-Dude-Bob,

FUCK YOU. Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you SO much more. You're a piece of shit and I hate every moment of time around you. You cause so much grief and destruction. Whether it's all or part of my creation or simply who you are, I still fucking hate you and wish you or I would go some place else.

A very tired and angry co-worker....

---------------------------

Dear me/conscience,

Did I really? Do you really? What's wrong with you? Why do you ...?

Thanks for the ponder
Anonymous

... I would keep going, but I did not even want to do the first letter. I did anyway.


----------



## cute_obese_girl (Aug 27, 2008)

I'm gonna do this in the clubhouse because there are fewer people to possibly get their panties in a twist.

Dear redneck ex neighbor,

I don't agree with hunting for sport, but respect your right to do so if properly licensed and knowledgeable.

I don't understand your need to have the head stuffed and mounted as some sort of symbol of your male prowess, but respect your right to poorly decorate your apartment as you choose.

What I can't respect is that when you decided to move and not take the deer head with you, you just left it out by the trash. For better or worse that animal died for you and you should at least have the decency to find it a new home. That to me is a total disrespect for the gift of life. When you die, it now seems appropriate for your family to leave you out at the curb like trash. That is if it wasn't so unfair for the city garbage workers. 

Mad and disgusted,
Shannon


----------



## supersoup (Aug 27, 2008)

dear peanut butter silk cake i just put into the oven,

hurry up!! i want to EAT YOUUUUUUUUU.


<3
soup


----------



## ValentineBBW (Aug 27, 2008)

dear soupy,

I want to know more about peanut butter silk cake. Specifically how to make it. 


drooling,

Becky


----------



## supersoup (Aug 27, 2008)

ValentineBBW said:


> dear soupy,
> 
> I want to know more about peanut butter silk cake. Specifically how to make it.
> 
> ...



easy peasy darling!

yellow butter cake mix, plus 3/4 cup peanut butter, at 325 for 31 minutes! i just used store bought chocolate fudge frosting, but a homemade chocolate would be delicious!


----------



## ValentineBBW (Aug 29, 2008)

supersoup said:


> easy peasy darling!
> 
> yellow butter cake mix, plus 3/4 cup peanut butter, at 325 for 31 minutes! i just used store bought chocolate fudge frosting, but a homemade chocolate would be delicious!



dear soupy,

thank you very much -- I must go buy yellow butter cake mix and soon!! 

drooling yet,

Becky


----------



## Fascinita (Aug 29, 2008)

Dear Fan,

Rotate faster. It is exceedingly warm.

Yours,

F.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 29, 2008)

Dear TiVO.....

Please stop effing around and work already.
I just want to change channels without dragging my fat ass up and out of the chair every single time.

Thank you.

And my fat ass thanks you too.

VioletB


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 29, 2008)

Dear Clubhouse-ers....

Has anyone seen Freethinker lately?
I wonder if all is well in Freeland?
Anyone have any scoop?

Thank you,

Nosey VioletB


----------



## Fascinita (Aug 29, 2008)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear Clubhouse-ers....
> 
> Has anyone seen Freethinker lately?
> I wonder if all is well in Freeland?
> ...



Violet,

I believe he was in the "Things to say in a forum rumble" thread as recently as a few days ago.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Aug 29, 2008)

Dear Fascinita,
 
Thank you! I hadn't seen him and was just hoping all was well.



Vi



Fascinita said:


> Violet,
> 
> I believe he was in the "Things to say in a forum rumble" thread as recently as a few days ago.


----------



## Fascinita (Aug 29, 2008)

Dear Vi,

You're welcome!

F.


----------



## Tad (Sep 2, 2008)

Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear Clubhouse-ers....
> 
> Has anyone seen Freethinker lately?
> I wonder if all is well in Freeland?
> ...



I saw him a couple of weeks ago.  (note the lack of quotation marks around the verb, this was not virtual). Things seemed to be going well in Freeland at the time.


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Sep 2, 2008)

Dear Ed:

Thanks!!

I sent him a message, which he replied to last night. All IS well in Freeland and he's just on a bit of a hiatus. Something we all do from time to time. He was on the boards last night.

Thanks for the info!!



Vi



edx said:


> I saw him a couple of weeks ago.  (note the lack of quotation marks around the verb, this was not virtual). Things seemed to be going well in Freeland at the time.


----------



## AlethaBBW (Sep 2, 2008)

Dear Life,

I am so frustrated, I could slam my head through a wall. Stop throwing everything at me. I don't want to find out how much I can take.

Thanks,

Aletha

------------------

Dear J,

You are adding to my frustration. Either poop or get off the effin' pot.

Most truly sincerely not really yours,

A


------------------

Dear Diabetes,

Go away.

That is all.

Best,

Your Prisoner


------------------

Dear World Of Warcraft,

I wish I could roll you in paper and smoke you.

Love,

Xanadue, Tauren Hunter


----------



## AlethaBBW (Sep 3, 2008)

Dear Thread,

Sorry I killed you.

Love,

Jaded


----------



## Tina (Sep 3, 2008)

You didn't kill it, Aletha. Take a look back and you'll see it gets posts in fits and starts.


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Sep 4, 2008)

Dear two-faced Dimensions women-

Mind your own business. You don't know what you are talking about and your assumptions are wrong. Stop acting like high schoolers being nice to my face and then talking shit about me behind my back.

-S


----------



## MisticalMisty (Sep 7, 2008)

Dear Cory,

I’m going through a period of reflection. At the ripe old age of 30, I’ve decided I’ve had two periods in my life: the time my grandmother was alive, and the time since she’s been gone.

I don’t have many regrets in my life. Our relationship has left me with some regrets. Mostly, my regrets are in regards to my state of mind during our relationship. It’s been 7 years. This letter is long over-due. While I may not mail it, the things I’m about to write needed to be said. I’m just sorry I’ve never been in the position to say them.

I’m sorry. That’s where I’ll begin. Unfortunately you happened into my life at the time that I needed you most and the time that I wasn’t half the person I used to be or am today. I prayed for you and there you were…like a lighthouse to my lost ship. I knew there was no way I’d be able to manage the grief of losing the most important person in my life alone. I prayed for months for God to send you to me..and he did. That was really selfish of me…to pray for someone to help me with my burden..but you did..amazingly so.

Looking back 8 years ago, you only experienced a shell of a person. I was so depressed and stricken with grief. How utterly unfair to you! You were there through the nightmares, and the bouts of tears for no reason. You were there when all I could do was sleep for hours on end because I was so exhausted. You were there when I decided I had to get away and go back to school to escape the memory of my grandmother at my house. You were there until the time I started to become the me I used to be…the Misty that was starting to go through the “lighter” part of the grieving process. When I started reappearing..that’s when you began to pull away. 

I can’t believe how utterly clueless I was back then. I think I refused to see the writing on the wall. I had prayed for you and you were there…forever I thought. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I know now that you were in my life for a reason and you were gone once you served your purpose. Thank you for being the 1 thing I could count on for that year after Nana died. Thank you for holding me and letting me cry when I needed. Thank you for reassuring me that I was ok after waking up from a nightmare. Finally, thank you for being the first person I’ve ever loved. For that..I’m extremely grateful.

I’m writing this letter to finally say goodbye to you and your memory. I hope you and your wife have a romance that from which fairy tales are made. I hope your daughter has siblings to play with and that you are the dad I always imagined you would be. I hope that you don’t think of me with regret. 

Finally I thank you Cory. I thank you for being the person I needed you to be. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for leaving when you did. Thank you.

Misty

_________________________________________________________________________________


Dear Nana,

It’s been almost 8 years and the last few months have felt like it’s only been a few weeks since you’ve passed away. I haven’t felt this raw about your death in a really long time and I can’t describe it. I can’t think of you, let alone talk about you without breaking down into tears. 

I miss you. I hate that the only time I get to see you now is in my dreams. I hate that I can’t call you or hear you call me sisa or tell me that you love me. 

I hope I’m making you proud. I hope that you know how much I love you and miss you. I hope that when I talk to you that you actually hear me. More importantly, I hope that you’re happy and full of life and love in Heaven. 

I pray that you continue to visit my dreams and I thank you for being the one person who loved me unconditionally. For that, I’ll forever be grateful.

Keep an eye on me and help me find the right path to follow in life.

I love you forever,
Misty


----------



## supersoup (Sep 10, 2008)

dear computer gods,

please. no issues. i just started classes online. problems now would be mighty effing inconvenient.

fingers crossed,
soup


----------



## TCUBOB (Sep 10, 2008)

Shhhh! He's hiding out from the IRS in the Cabana Clubhouse!



Violet_Beauregard said:


> Dear Clubhouse-ers....
> 
> Has anyone seen Freethinker lately?
> I wonder if all is well in Freeland?
> ...


----------



## Violet_Beauregard (Sep 10, 2008)

:blush: I know nothing. I see nothing. I hear nothing. 




TCUBOB said:


> Shhhh! He's hiding out from the IRS in the Cabana Clubhouse!


----------



## Ash (Sep 10, 2008)

TCUBOB said:


> Shhhh! He's hiding out from the IRS in the Cabana Clubhouse!



Isn't FT Canadian?


----------



## Jane (Sep 10, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Isn't FT Canadian?



Which of course begs the question, "Why are you doing that Free?"


----------



## out.of.habit (Sep 10, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Isn't FT Canadian?





Jane said:


> Which of course begs the question, "Why are you doing that Free?"



It would figure that the US would start going after individuals in other countries after sucking us dry. 

Snap.


----------



## TCUBOB (Sep 11, 2008)

Probably. But I don't know the name of the IRS of Canada. Do they wear Mountie hats? Are moose involved? Does every question/instruction sentence end with "...eh, you poser"? 

So maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany questions.



Ashley said:


> Isn't FT Canadian?


----------



## Tad (Sep 12, 2008)

TCUBOB said:


> Probably. But I don't know the name of the IRS of Canada. Do they wear Mountie hats? Are moose involved? Does every question/instruction sentence end with "...eh, you poser"?
> 
> So maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany questions.



1) "The man" "Damn Gubmint" and "Freakin' Steven Harper" are common. 

2) You pay extra for that!

3) And a LOT extra for that 

4) The tax man actually asks questions down there? Lucky you guys!

And for your further edification: http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/menu-e.html


----------



## Jane (Sep 12, 2008)

edx said:


> 1) "The man" "Damn Gubmint" and "Freakin' Steven Harper" are common.
> 
> 2) You pay extra for that!
> 
> ...



Asking questions...giving a shit about your answers...two different things.


----------



## TCUBOB (Sep 13, 2008)

Amazingly, my first thought was "Wow, Canada's taxes are surprising lower than ours." Then I scrolled down to the part where they added in the PROVINCIAL tax rate to the FEDERAL tax rate.

And I see that the Quebecois either don't have provincial taxes or just are too snotty to put them up on the English-language version of the web site. I think I know the answer to that.....


----------



## Tina (Sep 14, 2008)

Oh, Quebec has them alright! And it's on almost everything, even food bought at the grocery store.  I doubt the lack of them on the English version has to do with snottiness, but more disorganization.


----------



## Tad (Sep 15, 2008)

TCUBOB said:


> Amazingly, my first thought was "Wow, Canada's taxes are surprising lower than ours." Then I scrolled down to the part where they added in the PROVINCIAL tax rate to the FEDERAL tax rate.
> 
> And I see that the Quebecois either don't have provincial taxes or just are too snotty to put them up on the English-language version of the web site. I think I know the answer to that.....



Quebec has, I think, the highest provincial taxes in the country. And their own tax system. And they opt out of certain federal programs, to run their own equivalent.

I work in Quebec and live in Ontario, so all my pay check deductions are made according to the Quebec system, but then at the end of the year I pay my taxes based on the Ontario system. Which is a pain, but not as bad as some of what I've heard of tax codes in other places.

Our overall income taxes are still higher than in the US, I think, but not as much higher as they used to be (they've come down somewhat over the last couple of decades)


----------



## Donna (Sep 15, 2008)

Dear afternoon drive DJ from my favorite rock station in the Tampa Bay area;

Dude, have you fried every single brain cell in your greasy head? The new AC/DC single, "Rock N Roll Train" does not suck and I can't believe you would utter such absolute nonsense ever. And even more so on the air! And um, dude, yeah they're a "little long in the tooth" as you so cleverly  put it. They've been rocking our asses off for well over thrity years you moron. I hate fucking Walmart with a purple passion, but you can bet your skinny pimpled ass my fat ass will be in a Walmart at midnight on the 20th of October to get my copy of Black Ice. That is if I don't sweet talk any of my old radio buddies out of a promo-copy.

Sign me, 
One Hot Southern Bell (who apparently has a mouth like a sailor on shore leave this evening)


----------



## Jane (Sep 15, 2008)

Donna said:


> Dear afternoon drive DJ from my favorite rock station in the Tampa Bay area;
> 
> Dude, have you fried every single brain cell in your greasy head? The new AC/DC single, "Rock N Roll Train" does not suck and I can't believe you would utter such absolute nonsense ever. And even more so on the air! And um, dude, yeah they're a "little long in the tooth" as you so cleverly  put it. They've been rocking our asses off for well over thrity years you moron. I hate fucking Walmart with a purple passion, but you can bet your skinny pimpled ass my fat ass will be in a Walmart at midnight on the 20th of October to get my copy of Black Ice. That is if I don't sweet talk any of my old radio buddies out of a promo-copy.
> 
> ...




I've been hearing more and more of the age references lately. WTF is up with that?


----------



## Ash (Sep 15, 2008)

Dear soup,

Thank you. For everything. I don't know what I'd do without you. 

Love,
Ashrey


----------



## lipmixgirl (Sep 16, 2008)

dear madame,

the rsvp list was running smoothly until you decided to step in and wreck havoc... you still owe me 300.5 hours of overtime backpay... also, i am not sorry that i just dropped the bomb that i am not coming to the party... please find another chaperone for the 85+ children attending the party... it is important to note that it is not proper etiquette to invite a person to a party as a guest then expect them to work... now, if you had offered double time pay to work - cash, i may have actually considered it... you know how i love my middle schoolers...

cheers,
the majordomo...


----------



## supersoup (Sep 21, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Dear soup,
> 
> Thank you. For everything. I don't know what I'd do without you.
> 
> ...



:happy:

i love your face off.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Sep 24, 2008)

Dear Kyle,

*sigh* It's been three weeks and not a word. I'm not sure what happened, unless it involves death of someone or you, I'm done.

I'm a beautiful, intelligent and loving woman who deserves a man that respects her enough to be honest. If you had lost interest, it really would have been nice to have heard that from you. Just dropping off the planet is a low move and I really thought you better than that. Wow, you really pulled the wool over my eyes.

I do wish you nothing but the best and I hope that you mature as time goes by so the next girl you meet doesn't have to feel the way I feel right now.

I wish you well
Misty

_________________________________________________________________

Dear God,

I'm not sure if that was a test, or a joke..but I'm not laughing. I would really rather just be alone than to meet someone I feel a deep connection with..be teased with that person in my life and have him disappear.

I've been single 7 long years. If being single forever is my fate..so be it..but please don't play with my heart and my emotions. I can't handle it. I can't handle being given a glimpse of everything I want and then have it snatched away. So not cool.

I really hope this was just to renew my hope and faith that there is someone out there or to give me a chance to feel that way about someone again. 

Trying to keep the faith,
Misty


----------



## TCUBOB (Sep 25, 2008)

It's one of the great mysteries of men. We're totally transparent, yet totally inscrutable.

Sorry, Misty.


----------



## Punkin1024 (Sep 25, 2008)

Oh, Misty, so sorry things aren't working out with Kyle. I hope you can keep the faith, though it is tough to do when you're heart is breaking. 

(((((((Misty)))))))


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Sep 25, 2008)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Kyle,
> 
> *sigh* It's been three weeks and not a word. I'm not sure what happened, unless it involves death of someone or you, I'm done.
> 
> ...



I had the same thing happen to me Misty. I totally feel your pain...it would have been much kinder for him to send you an email saying "f**k off" than to just disappear on you. I am so sorry this is happening.


----------



## JoyJoy (Sep 25, 2008)

Dear angry woman at the 4-way stop with the active middle finger, 

Had you paid attention in Driver's Ed class, assuming you went rather than cutting your license off the back of a cereal box, you would know that when two cars arrive at a stop sign at the same time, the person on the right has the right-of-way. Perhaps a refresher course would save your blood pressure a little grief. 

Signed, 

The lady in the silver PT Cruiser you purposely tried to hit in a childish angry fit because I didn't let you go first.


----------



## Fascinita (Sep 25, 2008)

MisticalMisty said:


> Dear Kyle,
> 
> *sigh* It's been three weeks and not a word. I'm not sure what happened, unless it involves death of someone or you, I'm done.
> 
> ...



Misty,

Eff him. Grit your teeth and growl and tell yourself it's his loss. (It is.) Then move on. 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Keep your chin up. Remember: His loss. And life'll be good again.

Fascie


----------



## supersoup (Sep 25, 2008)

please.

if there is someone out there, up there, anywhere that i need to be praying to, asking for guidance from, or otherwise, let me know.

whomever you are, whatever you are, karma, whatever.

PLEASE get me out of this house soon. i can't do this anymore, i'm a fucking PERSON, with feelings, and a heart, and not much, but SOMETHING to offer humanity. if i'm here much longer it's all just going to disappear.

help me. ffs. please.

amanda


----------



## Fascinita (Sep 26, 2008)

Amanda, I don't know what's going on for you, but hang in there. And continue to believe in what you have to offer. Make it work for you. 

Wishing you the best.


----------



## Punkin1024 (Sep 26, 2008)

supersoup said:


> please.
> 
> if there is someone out there, up there, anywhere that i need to be praying to, asking for guidance from, or otherwise, let me know.
> 
> ...



Amanda,
I don't know what your situation is, but I said a prayer for you. I sincerely hope you can find a place of your own soon.

(((((((Amanda)))))))


----------



## MuleVariationsNYC (Sep 26, 2008)

Dear Adulthood, 

O, Progenitor of Widsom, Wellspring of Self-Assurance and Maker of Mature Decisions...


Bite me. Tomorrow I will pick up the phone when you call, but today we are NOT friends.


Sincerely,

K.


----------



## BeaBea (Sep 26, 2008)

Dear Best Friend and Housemate,

Waking me with a text message at 6am asking what I had done with your keys wasn't popular - not least because I cant drive your car and therefore never have any reason to have your keys. Following it up with a phone call asking the same thing was also not appreciated.

When I got out of bed to help you look I didn't really appreciate being sworn at. Turning the entire house upside down didn't make the process of finding the keys any easier - and yes, I understand that being asked questions like 'where did you have them last?' is annoying but as your 'slash and burn' technique didn't seem to be working I thought a little focus might help us find them. I also think that you could have been a bit more gracious when, at some personal inconvenience, I offered to lend you my car for the day. Snatching my keys and storming off, bitching over the security lock didn't endear you to me. 

When you returned at the end of the day were you really that surprised to find me with a bag packed ready to spend the night elsewhere? Sending me a text message five minutes after I'd driven away informing me that you'd found your own keys didn't make me want to return. Isn't that strange? 

It's now four days later and yes, I am still REALLY annoyed and no, I'm still not talking to you. I'm past caring whether you come up with an apology as I dont believe it would be sincere. I'm still your friend - and the fact that I sorted out a spare door key and left you £40 for emergency taxis when I disappeared should prove that to you - so sooner or later I will get over this but at the moment and for the foreseeable future you can go fuck yourself.

Tracey


----------



## SocialbFly (Sep 26, 2008)

JoyJoy said:


> Dear angry woman at the 4-way stop with the active middle finger,
> 
> Had you paid attention in Driver's Ed class, assuming you went rather than cutting your license off the back of a cereal box, you would know that when two cars arrive at a stop sign at the same time, the person on the right has the right-of-way. Perhaps a refresher course would save your blood pressure a little grief.
> 
> ...



sorry to hijack this, but the tree of life symbol you have used in your signiture is what i want as a tattoo, on the tramp stamp spot....i LOVE itand have looked at it for years, i knew i loved ya JoyJoy, now i loves ya more...great taste


----------



## SocialbFly (Sep 26, 2008)

missaf said:


> Dear K,
> 
> Really. Honestly. I really needed your help. I begged. I know it's an inconvenience to find a substitute for your 1 hour class you teach voluntarily, but I was kinda hoping you'd repay the favors I did for you when you almost died on us 10 years ago.
> 
> ...



awww, sorry Jess, i hope things smooth out soon...


----------



## JoyJoy (Sep 26, 2008)

SocialbFly said:


> sorry to hijack this, but the tree of life symbol you have used in your signiture is what i want as a tattoo, on the tramp stamp spot....i LOVE itand have looked at it for years, i knew i loved ya JoyJoy, now i loves ya more...great taste


We have more in common than you know! I've been planning a "tramp stamp" of a tree of life design for awhile...it will be my own design, although the one I have up here is part of the inspiration.  We can be twins! Oh, wait...you already have one....oh well..our butts will match, anyway


----------



## MisticalMisty (Sep 27, 2008)

Dear Everyone that responded,

Thank you. I was really angry and disappointed when I wrote that letter. I never let it get me down for too long. It's kinda sad when it's the norm for my life.

I appreciate the responses. You guys are great 

Misty


----------



## Blackjack (Sep 27, 2008)

S_______,

You don't get it, you don't think that it's anything special. Okay. You have a problem with one or two works that an artist has done. Let's just ignore the several dozen other ones and focus on these, right? Because these two oddballs certainly showcase how selfish and depraved this person is.

Yeah, that makes _perfect _sense.

-Another artist, who is disgusted by it but gets it


----------



## ValentineBBW (Sep 27, 2008)

Dear ________

I am disappointed. I thought we had bonded, became friends. Maybe not best buds, but friends that at least keep on some contact. I don't know why you should be any different than most of the other friends in my life, me the giver and you the taker. And people wonder why I keep to myself and don't say much. 

Signed,
Over and done.




Dear _________


I'm not sure why exactly, but I am crushing on you. There is no one certain thing I can put my finger as to why, it just is what it is. You are silly most of the time, but every now and again you say something that is incredibly sweet and unexpected. More of the sweet and unexpected, ok? It's good on you.

Signed,

Shy and crushing


----------



## liz (di-va) (Sep 30, 2008)

Dear Cat #1:

You drag your ass on the carpet one more time and not only will you be flirting with felinocide but...okay, there is nothing worse, but dammit, stop it!! My heart can't take the surges from 0 to 100 mph anger, especially when I know you're doing it for my attention and I can't help responding anyhow gahhhh! Cats, stupid fur-shedding motherfuckers, sorry I'm watching a lot of Sopranos these days.

Me 

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _,

Gonna say it again...putcho money where your mouth is. Fear's just fear. Oh the snuggles we could have.

moi

 - - - - - - - - - - 
 
Dear _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _,

You need to REALLY put yer money where your mouth is. Geezus.

me

 - - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Fates, new endodontist, everything,

Please help me get through tomorrow. I'm scared. Help me to survive, and to get enough pain killer and gah!!! I'm scared. But really willing to do my part, I will try very hard.

Me

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Chapter 11-filing owners of my old dying employer (newspaper), who are small doings in this week's financial news yet highly emblematic of its problems:

1. Fuck you running.

2. The world needs newspapers and actual journalism NOW MORE THAN EVER. You ain't gonna get rich, stop trying to be Carnegie. Just try to make a good paper. Actually, stop, you can't do that, go make ball bearings.

Hrmph.
You know where to find me

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Life,

Send me a hips-rubber, please. For at least two good reasons.

me!

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Liz,

I know your life doesn't look the way you want it to to very much these days, and you are battling the familiars of enervation and paralysis and depression, but don't forget that being grateful not only feels sweet, it's powerful. And as you say over and over (do you believe the things you blah-blah?) you gotta start from where you are--it's just that I know that is a difficult idea day-to-day in a world cursed with too much self-consciousness and not enough sheer momentum. Anyhow, I am grateful. I hope some things...change. There is such a thing as (way way way) too much existential angst, especially in a first-world life such as your own, even if the health problems obscure most of the view right now. Don't be afraid to get help. I'm looking for out-doors and windows for you.

Love,
Lizzy

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear G,

I think it might be time for this be over. Oprah and Facebook say so.

All my uncynical love regardless
Elizabeth

- - - - - - - - - - 

Cat #1:

I said CEASE AND DESIST. Good goddamn.

Liz

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Universe:

I need more help understanding concept of Letting Go. I think people use the term 99% of the time in a completely facile and very outside-in, judging way (i.e., "You need to let go of this now, because I'm tired of hearing about it and I swear it's really easy"--not), but it is STILL A RELEVANT CONCEPT. I think I've even done it, a fair amount. But I'm still confused by it and am not always sure what it feels like. Dare I say I am an intermediate learner? Or just an total beginner who should know better? Please help me enroll in the right adult-learning class for this one, cause I wanna know more.

Baffled

- - - - - - - - - - 

Dear Liz:

YOU put YOUR money where your mouth is too. Okay? Fear is a bugaboo, a distraction.

Liz


----------



## Eclectic_Girl (Sep 30, 2008)

Oh, wizzzy - hugs for you! And I'll rub your hips, but I'm pretty sure that's not what you'd prefer.

Also, did you see my comment on Facebook about the scanner? I have one I can mail to you if you'd like...


----------



## BeaBea (Oct 1, 2008)

Dear Self,
Quit whining, get on with it, the only place you can start from is here!
Tracey

Oh and Liz, I can see you're going through some stuff but your post made me laugh so hard I had Pepsi come out my nose. I love the way you write, can you do a novel or something? :wubu:


----------



## liz (di-va) (Oct 2, 2008)

Eclectic_Girl said:


> Oh, wizzzy - hugs for you! And I'll rub your hips, but I'm pretty sure that's not what you'd prefer.
> 
> Also, did you see my comment on Facebook about the scanner? I have one I can mail to you if you'd like...



Thank ye, darlin sweetcheeks. Sent ye response yesterday. *HERGS*


----------



## supersoup (Oct 2, 2008)

amanda,

at this point in your life, it wouldn't be wise to 'choke a bitch'. just sayin'. also, go pack your stuff so you can have the rest of the day to do your homework.

duh,
amanda


----------



## Donna (Oct 18, 2008)

Dear Stephanie Meyer;

Please, for the love of all things holy, please finish and publish Midnight Sun post haste. And dammit, when will there be a sequel to Breaking Dawn? And since I am making demands, please stop making me cry everytime I read one of your schmaltzy, hopelessly immature romantic novels. My husband is beginning to think I have lost my mind.

Signed, 

Your fattest fan

p.s. thanks for the lovely books you've already written, however.


----------



## Donna (Nov 4, 2008)

Darling Hypnos and Morpheus; 

You fickle bastards! Why have you both forsaken me? Can't you see that at this point, I don't care about all those minute little details of things roaming around my brain. I care about things like the election and whether or not we should serve chocolate cake or some kind of pie at Thanksgiving. However, pondering those things at 12:45 am on a work night, when I have to be up in about 5 hours, is just plain cruel. 

Come embrace me now, dammit. It's too late to take a pill and the hot bath and warm milk aren't cutting it.

Longing for you both, 
You know Who I am and Where I can be found


----------



## Friday (Nov 9, 2008)

Rain, GO AWAY! All I ask for is two weeks of relatively dry weather. I'm not much for crabbing about the forecast except in a conversational way, but this is really important dammit. Then you can rain, howl, snow or whatever all winter (although I do ask that you don't hurt anyone).


----------



## Punkin1024 (Nov 11, 2008)

Dear Rain bugging Friday,

You can come bug me, I love rain! 

Sincerely,

Punkin


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Nov 11, 2008)

Friday said:


> Rain, GO AWAY! All I ask for is two weeks of relatively dry weather. I'm not much for crabbing about the forecast except in a conversational way, but this is really important dammit. Then you can rain, howl, snow or whatever all winter (although I do ask that you don't hurt anyone).



no snow please


----------



## fatgirlflyin (Nov 11, 2008)

Donna said:


> Dear Stephanie Meyer;
> 
> Please, for the love of all things holy, please finish and publish Midnight Sun post haste. And dammit, when will there be a sequel to Breaking Dawn? And since I am making demands, please stop making me cry everytime I read one of your schmaltzy, hopelessly immature romantic novels. My husband is beginning to think I have lost my mind.
> 
> ...




Dear Donna, 

Have you read The Host? She wrote that one too. I have it in my bedside table but haven't been able to get into it like I did the twilight series. What's Midnight Sun about?


-Ella


----------



## Donna (Nov 11, 2008)

Ella Bella said:


> Dear Donna,
> 
> Have you read The Host? She wrote that one too. I have it in my bedside table but haven't been able to get into it like I did the twilight series. What's Midnight Sun about?
> 
> ...



Dearest Ella (love the new avatar...you look deliciously evil!)

Yes, I have read The Host and like you, had trouble getting into it. The relationship between Melanie and Jared feels forced. I keep saying I am going to go back and re-read it, but I am giving Meyer a break (except to go see her movie next Friday which I already have my ticket for because I am an avowed member of the Cult of Cullen) for now.

Midnight Sun is Twilight from Edward's perspective. The author's unfinished manuscript was leaked, so she published what she had on the Internet and is now kind if refusing to finish it. I read it (more like devoured it) and it cuts off very abruptly, leaving you wanting more. But my god, the first chapter alone took my breath away. 

I linked to the draft above. Happy Reading, 
Donna-an honorary Cullen


----------



## JoyJoy (Nov 13, 2008)

Dear You, 

As Einstein was known to have said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Face it, girl...no matter how much you want to believe it, it's just not going to happen. Putting faith in this person whom you want desperately to live up to his word when he has let you down so many, many times before is not noble or patient...it's stupidity...insanity. Cut your losses and stop hoping. 

I love you. Give yourself more credit and stop making excuses. 

Me


----------



## Fascinita (Nov 26, 2008)

Dear Critics-at-large,

I hear you. And I want you to know it doesn't ruffle me. Critics have often been my best friends.  They spur me on to prove them wrong. 

Maybe you missed your calling as Roger-Ebert-lite. I don't know. I do know that judgment without compassion is a cozy little straightjacket on the soul of the judge. And self-righteousness is not the same as justice.

Take it easy,

Me


----------



## Tina (Nov 26, 2008)

Just a note. It isn't kosher to talk about fellow community members behind their backs here, in a very obvious way. As I've said before, if I have go to research the heck out of it,then it's veiled enough not to to be a problem, but when it's obvious, then it is. And I need to enforce the rules whether I totally agree or not...


----------



## mossystate (Nov 26, 2008)

Ok...weird....I had just searched to see where Jack has been hiding himself....and then I saw your sig. I did not see where he mentioned going away. Maybe he is off buying new dolls!

Jaaaaaaaaaaaack.......


----------



## Tina (Nov 26, 2008)

Lizzy, that was not to you.


----------



## mossystate (Nov 26, 2008)

Yeah, it was to me....but... I don't really care what the little Canadian jewelry maker says.


----------



## Fascinita (Nov 26, 2008)

mossystate said:


> Ok...weird....I had just searched to see where Jack has been hiding himself....and then I saw your sig. I did not see where he mentioned going away. Maybe he is off buying new dolls!
> 
> Jaaaaaaaaaaaack.......



I miss him. I picture him busy in his basement for three months straight, cobbling together a huge pair of bat wings covered in glitter, high on sugar and sparkles.



Tina said:


> Lizzy, that was not to you.



Shucks!  



mossystate said:


> Yeah, it was to me....but... I don't really care what the little Canadian jewelry maker says.



Canada is listening, Mossy. And it's taking notes.

Lemondrops, anyone?


----------



## Tina (Nov 27, 2008)

mossystate said:


> Yeah, it was to me....but... I don't really care what the little Canadian jewelry maker says.












It wasn't just to you, but to all of you rabble-rouser types!!!

And that's right, Lizzy. I'm paying attention to who is being naughty and who is being nice.

I generally prefer naughty...


----------



## Fascinita (Nov 27, 2008)

Tina said:


> I generally prefer naughty...



Note to self: Get really hot elf to do lap dance for Tina @ Christmas.

REwind: Tina's a happily married woman. Send really hot elf lap dance to self. Get Tina some Troll-B-Gone for the boards, instead.


----------



## Tina (Nov 27, 2008)

LMAO!! Yes, definitely get that for yourself, as I have my husband to keep me entertained... *fans self* 

Troll-B-Gone would be great. Or minions. I do need minions, Lizzy...

Happy Thanksgiving, dear woman. 

BTW, I miss Jackie, too. Anyone remember reading anything from him saying he'd be gone for a while?


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Nov 27, 2008)

I miss him, too. He last posted on November 4 - Election Day. Weird. :huh:


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Nov 27, 2008)

I just sent Jack an email to let him know that people here are asking about him. I will keep you posted if he responds


----------



## mszwebs (Nov 28, 2008)

Dear Gorgeous,

You have surprised me so many times during our conversations over the last month that I have no idea what's going to come out of your mouth next.

And I like it.

Please continue along the same vein at your earliest convenience and I promise to think a little harder so I'm not "boring" lol 

Have a good day,

Me


----------



## supersoup (Nov 28, 2008)

dear customers,

can we please co-exist somewhat peacefully today? i don't need to lose any hair, get yelled at, or treated like shit due to your frenzied consumerism. i'll be nice if you will.

just trying to earn a paycheck,
retail drone


----------



## BigCutieSasha (Dec 2, 2008)

Dear Liar-

Since you have said you would go away on many occasions, can you keep your promise and just do it?

-S


----------



## Carrie (Dec 2, 2008)

Dear Mods,

Love you guys. :wubu:

~Me.


----------



## Blackjack (Dec 2, 2008)

Carrie said:


> Dear Mods,
> 
> Love you guys. :wubu:
> 
> ~Me.



Seconded. Very much so.


----------



## Jane (Dec 2, 2008)

Yep, meant to say something myself.

Thanks.


----------



## supersoup (Dec 2, 2008)

i miss everything.

dammit.


----------



## mszwebs (Dec 2, 2008)

supersoup said:


> i miss everything.
> 
> dammit.



Me too. *sniff*


----------



## Carrie (Dec 2, 2008)

We were just posting nekkid photos of you guys, that's all. :batting:


----------



## mszwebs (Dec 2, 2008)

Carrie said:


> We were just posting nekkid photos of you guys, that's all. :batting:



Well, shit... if THAT'S all it was...I got more if ya need 'em


----------



## supersoup (Dec 2, 2008)

dear clubhouse,

i just made ashley wet.

interpret as you will,
soup


----------



## Carrie (Dec 2, 2008)

Dear zwebsie,

You are a saucy, cheeky little minx. 

Sincerely,
~Me.


----------



## Blackjack (Dec 2, 2008)

mszwebs said:


> Well, shit... if THAT'S all it was...I got more if ya need 'em



Well, get to showin' them off!

And if they violate board rules... that's what PMs are for.


----------



## supersoup (Dec 26, 2008)

dear folks that litter the weight board,

it's really old. stop. imagine someone exploring their sexuality and finding dimensions...they explore the site, and then find these shit bomb threads. IT HELPS NO ONE. at all.

irritated yet again,
soup


----------



## SamanthaNY (Jan 26, 2009)

Dear you're-lucky-I-can't-remember-your-name: 

I gave you the benefit and took your thread at face value. But now the thread is gone. So - if you created another one of those mock threads that so many make here to get their jollies (that's bad enough)... _and _you used people who've lost a limb as the focus of your douchebaggery? 

I will remember who you, and you'll be hearing from me.

S.


----------



## AnnMarie (Jan 27, 2009)

SamanthaNY said:


> Dear you're-lucky-I-can't-remember-your-name:
> 
> I gave you the benefit and took your thread at face value. But now the thread is gone. So - if you created another one of those mock threads that so many make here to get their jollies (that's bad enough)... _and _you used people who've lost a limb as the focus of your douchebaggery?
> 
> ...



It wasn't a joke. 

/mod


----------



## Tad (Jan 28, 2009)

"Dear" city leaders and transit union leaders;

The strike has been going on for fifty days now, and you still don't seem to have gotten beyond the pissing contest stage. Meanwhile, aside from the people whose lives are being totally wrecked by the lack of public transit, there are a lot more who are just feeling miserable and trapped.

Get over your pride, get creative, and get a deal done already!

Yours sincerely;

- Formerly one of the biggest supporters of public transit.


----------



## Jane (Jan 28, 2009)

edx said:


> "Dear" city leaders and transit union leaders;
> 
> The strike has been going on for fifty days now, and you still don't seem to have gotten beyond the pissing contest stage. Meanwhile, aside from the people whose lives are being totally wrecked by the lack of public transit, there are a lot more who are just feeling miserable and trapped.
> 
> ...



Ed, take a tire to one of their meetings. Tell them they can piss on that to their heart's content, but settle the strike.


----------



## Tad (Jan 28, 2009)

Jane said:


> Ed, take a tire to one of their meetings. Tell them they can piss on that to their heart's content, but settle the strike.



I admit I was thinking more 'tire-iron' than 'tire'.... 

But your suggestion has merit too


----------



## Jane (Jan 28, 2009)

edx said:


> I admit I was thinking more 'tire-iron' than 'tire'....
> 
> But your suggestion has merit too



And, being me, I understand the "tire-iron" part of the equation.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Feb 1, 2009)

Dear non-Dims boy I used to talk to on Yahoo,

Yeah, luckily for you I have memory issues and had forgotten why I stopped talking to you, exactly, so your little guilt trip worked. I thought it was POSSIBLE I had gotten you mixed up with someone else I was talking to around the same time, and had just started ignoring your IMs without real cause. 

It took me fewer than two whole conversations to remember why I had just kind of let you quietly fade into the sunset. Congratulations. And this time, I had the guts to tell you to have a nice life, and blocked you. PLEASE don't attempt to communicate with me again.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 1, 2009)

Dear Ginny,

I have those same problems...with memories and people I should have blocked earlier. I have found that conversation archives work wonders for me now......


Moi


----------



## Admiral_Snackbar (Feb 2, 2009)

Dead Mr. Darwin:

Is it possible to make it so that the people who challenge your theory are all the quicker to die from it? Can we fit colossal stupidity into that as well?

I'm beginning to fear not Armageddon, not the Rapture, but the steady, oncoming approach of Idiocracy, where the intelligentsia of the world will be powerless to overcome unless we leave the planet behind.


----------



## lipmixgirl (Feb 2, 2009)

dear miss,

your comments are abrasive - akin steel wool on granite
they cause irritation such as experienced by shaving w/o shaving
cream
i am rubbed the wrong way - like if i wore a skirt with no thigh
protection

it is not you i dislike - it is your ignorance.
it is your ignorance that you wear with pride and conviction
happy fattie? it doesn't feel that way.
you don't get it. you really just don't get it.


yours in fat,
the big apple.


----------



## lipmixgirl (Feb 3, 2009)

dear mister,

today i was aggravated.
i was milling along and saw that
you
yes you
were up to your usual.
you love fat. publicly. yet privately.
you date thin. privately. yet publicly.
you carouse with fatties. publicly. yet privately.
you spurn skinnies. privately. yet publicly.

you are happy to gratify your needs... 
whatever, whenever, however.

and i
label you
fattie f*^ker.

not a fa.
you are a ff.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Feb 5, 2009)

Dear This Week,

You can suck it. 

-Me

Dear Hospital,

Yeahhh. You're ALL about helping people, aren'tcha? Except when it comes to actually DOING WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO.

Months ago, I called and asked about financial assistance. I was mailed an application, which I filled out, and sent to the address I was given. I was told you would keep my account on hold until the decision was made about financial assistance. I didn't hear anything for a while, so I called a few times to check up, and was told everything was just fine. I offered to make a partial payment more than once, and was told each time that it wasn't necessary. 

A while later, I got a letter saying "If you don't pay, we're sending your account to a collection agency." I immediately called. I was told the Financial Assistance people sent me a letter saying they needed additional documentation. I never received this letter. I was then told what additional documentation was needed, and the address to send it to. I sent the documentation to that address. 

A while later, my letter came back, marked undeliverable. I called back again, and was told I had been given the wrong address. I was given a new address to send it to, and was told my account would be on hold still until a decision was made. I sent it the very next day. This was a few weeks ago. I still haven't heard anything else at all, but yesterday I got a call from a collection agency. I can't have my credit ruined over this when I've done everything that's been asked of me. I'm just sick about this. Please tell me you can help me.

If your supervisor doesn't get back with me PRONTO and fix this, I will be tracking down your PR department or the head of the hospital - and my next step is the local media.

Furious,

A "patient" who spent 4 months in PT and ended up right back where she started.


Dear Mom,

I'm now dreaming about telling you I miss my REAL mom, because I DO. I miss the vibrant, healthy, intelligent, outdoorsy, active woman I grew up with. You're a shell of who you used to be. GO TO THE FUCKING DOCTOR ALREADY. Keeping your head in the sand is not solving anything! IT IS NOT AGING. You're SIXTY FIVE, not eighty nine! It's not normal to sleep 14 hours a day, and be miserable and completely out of it the rest of the time. SNAP OUT OF IT and GET HELP! 

Furious, frustrated, crying, and missing the real you like hell,

Your daughter.

Dear PERSON WHO HIT AND RAN MY FUCKING CAR FOR THE SECOND TIME IN SIX MONTHS causing $1500 worth of damage,

Okay, I don't really know it was the same person (it probably wasn't) but the SAME DAMAGE twice in six months?! I seriously can not afford this shit.  I guess this time I'm going to actually have to file an insurance claim. GODDAMMIT.

-Sigh.

Dear kidney infection,

Yeah, you can suck it, too. 

-Signed, Suck on these antibiotics, bitch.

*WTH is with this week? Which particular thing did I do this time to deserve all this bad karma? *


----------



## SamanthaNY (Feb 10, 2009)

Dear World, 

Stay the hell out of her way right now if you know what's good for you. 

Srsly... if you see her, quickly present offerings of chocolate and then _*run*_. Run far away. 


Sincerely, 

Sam's cramps.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Feb 10, 2009)

SamanthaNY said:


> Dear World,
> 
> Stay the hell out of her way right now if you know what's good for you.
> 
> ...



Dear World,

Ditto.


----------



## MisticalMisty (Feb 12, 2009)

Dear God,

Please help me get through all of this..I don't know if it's a test from you or the devil trying to get me down, but I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.

I don't want anymore pain...I've had enough for right now. I need some time to heal from everything.

Please wrap your loving arms around me.

Misty


----------



## Carrie (Feb 12, 2009)

Dear Puppy-heads, 

Thank you for not wandering far from the yard when the wind blew down that fence panel today, and thank you for coming running when I called you (I'm sure the bag of dog cookies I had helped somewhat). It would have broken my heart to have lost you. 

Love, 
Me. 

*****

Dear Universe, 

Thank you for having my back today and watching out for my puppers. 

Sincerely, 
Me. 


P.S. Also, thank you for helping me to narrowly avoid hitting that deer the other night. It was fricking huge. 

*****

Dear Wind & Fence, 

Jerks. 

Unhappily yours, 
Me.

*****

Dear Deer, 

How much Haagen-Dazs did you eat, to get that fricking huge? 

Leave me a message, because there's an awful movie on SciFi I need to go watch. 

Sincerely,
Me.


----------



## lipmixgirl (Feb 12, 2009)

dear readers,

as time presses on, 
i grow more and more irritated
silence must prevail
yet, i remain zealous...
::sigh::


----------



## Carrie (Feb 13, 2009)

lipmixgirl said:


> dear readers,
> 
> as time presses on,
> i grow more and more irritated
> ...


Dear Aris, 

Your outspokenness is an integral part of your charm, so I hope this uncharacteristic silence isn't for forever.  

~Carrie


----------



## Carrie (Feb 13, 2009)

Dear PWSRN, 

You are the bee's knees and the cat's pajamas, all wrapped into one glorious package. You really made me smile today. Thank you. :happy:

Sincerely, 
Me.


----------



## AnnMarie (Feb 13, 2009)

Dear Oil Company, 

I love you. 

You took the time to look over my usage and billing and by doing so figured out that I've already paid enough to carry me through the winter. 

Between this good news and a tax return, I might actually achieve my goal of paying off the credit card by summer. 

Huge!

Your Valentine,
Me


----------



## SamanthaNY (Feb 13, 2009)

Carrie said:


> Dear PWSRN


Pfft - Remaining Nameless is so bourgeois. 

People Who Sort Random Numbers?
People Who Swat Red Nuns?
Pygmies Wanting Southern Runner's Nipples?
Petty White Sugar Rationing Northerners?
Pretty Woman Showing Ruddy Nuggets? 
Pouty Westerner Shopping Rude Nudies?

The mind reels as to what makes Carrie smile.


----------



## Jane (Feb 13, 2009)

SamanthaNY said:


> Pfft - Remaining Nameless is so bourgeois.
> 
> People Who Sort Random Numbers?
> People Who Swat Red Nuns?
> ...



Thank you for asking!!! (Sometimes I feel so fucking old, out of it, and generally a hick.)


----------



## Carrie (Feb 13, 2009)

Poultry With Sexually Radiated Nutsacks, ladies.


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (Feb 14, 2009)

Carrie said:


> Poultry With Sexually Radiated Nutsacks, ladies.




Way to get me all turned on again.........except chickens aren't that..........big

Thanks for nuttin' Carrie  :doh:


----------



## Donna (Feb 15, 2009)

Dear Smoldering Bridge;

I know I should probably care what you think, but I don't anymore. Beginning to wonder why I ever did care. I don't hate you now, but I admit at one time I did. I'm sorry for that, even though I am pretty sure you would never accept my apology. Not your style to forgive, forget and move on. I'm okay with that, not my burden to bear, you know?

Thank you for your time, please sign me---
Bridge Burner


----------



## activistfatgirl (Feb 15, 2009)

Dear Dimensions, 

Please stop being so hard to catch up on!

Love, me.


----------



## lipmixgirl (Feb 16, 2009)

dear powers that be,

these past 8 weeks have yielded:
1 attempted homicide
1 homicide
1 suicide
1 accidental overdose

please be advised that i have really had my fill of friends and acquaintances dying before their time... in such a short span of time... 

there is only so much one person can take... 

very truly yours,
me...


----------



## Carrie (Mar 1, 2009)

Dear Universe, 

Pleasepleasepleaseplease_please_ don't let my power go out during this snowstorm. All of my heat sources are electrically powered. 

Sincerely,
Carrie




Dear Carrie, 

Keep some firewood around in case of emergency, dumbass. 

~Me.


----------



## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 1, 2009)

Dear Universe,

What she said! 

Signed,

Someone whose lights have already gone out for 10 seconds!


----------



## Jane (Mar 2, 2009)

Carrie said:


> Dear Universe,
> 
> Pleasepleasepleaseplease_please_ don't let my power go out during this snowstorm. All of my heat sources are electrically powered.
> 
> ...



I'm being forced to replace my water heater (leaking). I've looked all over at the fabulous tankless ones, until I realized they are all powered by electricity. There are some things I can do without during an outage, and I can turn on my gas stove if I must in order to stay warm.

No electricity and no hot water. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.


----------



## Carrie (Mar 2, 2009)

Jane said:


> I'm being forced to replace my water heater (leaking). I've looked all over at the fabulous tankless ones, until I realized they are all powered by electricity. There are some things I can do without during an outage, and I can turn on my gas stove if I must in order to stay warm.
> 
> No electricity and no hot water. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.


I'm even worse - if my electric goes out, I've no heat and no water, period, since the water pump is electric. It's like I'm fricking Amish, minus the delicious home baked goods. 

But! Thankfully, my power only blinked on and off a few times last night, but kept coming back on. Major WHEW.


----------



## Carrie (Mar 3, 2009)

Dear FAs with strong but gentle, willing and capable hands, 

I am sore all over and badly in need of a massage. You are free, nay, encouraged, to engage in inappropriate, randy thoughts while you knead and rub away my aches and pains. And I'll give you a Charleston Chew when it's over. 

Achingly yours,
Carrie


P.S. Clarification: "Charleston Chew" there sounds like one of those crazy elaborate sex moves described in Urban Dictionary, like a rusty trombone, but I actually meant the candy bar.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Mar 4, 2009)

Dear FAs with strong but gentle, willing and capable hands, 

When you are done with Carrie, I am next please.

I don't have Charleston Chews, but I do have chips and salsa.


----------



## ValentineBBW (Mar 4, 2009)

double post.


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## Carrie (Mar 4, 2009)

Dear Becky, 

You can go first, pumpkin. May I have some chips and salsa while I wait, tho? 

~Me


----------



## ValentineBBW (Mar 4, 2009)

Dearest Carrie,


I :wubu: you sweet pea! But you asked first so I think you should get to go first. 

Or better yet, hopefully there will be multiple applicants and neither of us will have to wait. 

You can have the chips and salsa anytime you like.:happy:

~Me


----------



## BeaBea (Mar 6, 2009)

Dear Cupid

Thank you for sending me someone sweet, funny and kind who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. The sheer gorgeousness of him and his muscles cannot be overstated so seriously, thank you. 

Now, without meaning to appear ungrateful can I just mention something? He's 19. Nineteen!!!! I mean, what were you thinking? I have shoes that are older than him. In the name of all that's decent please give him the attention span of an average 19 year old as I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. Surely one look at the size of my ass would tell you that I'm rubbish at resisting temptation?!?

Then, get busy finding me the same thing again, but with a few more miles on the clock please.

Thanks
T xx


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 6, 2009)

Was it wrong of me to read that last line as "a few more miles on the cock".....?   




Gawd I crack myself up so much sometimes


----------



## D_A_Bunny (Mar 7, 2009)

Green Eyed Fairy said:


> Was it wrong of me to read that last line as "a few more miles on the cock".....?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I actually think it makes more sense your way.

You crack me up too.... sometimes.


----------



## BeaBea (Mar 7, 2009)

Lol - bad girls!

I think he has a fair miles on that particular part of his anatomy as he's very confident. I'm fine at resisting him right up until he makes me laugh and then every single time I feel my resolve crack a teeny tiny bit. 

I guess on the same grounds I could give into Green Eyed Fairy as well? Lol, I'm off to the GLBTQ board, just to see if she posts there...

T xx


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## Green Eyed Fairy (Mar 7, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> Lol - bad girls!
> 
> I think he has a fair miles on that particular part of his anatomy as he's very confident. I'm fine at resisting him right up until he makes me laugh and then every single time I feel my resolve crack a teeny tiny bit.
> 
> ...



Lol, you flatter me greatly  :bow: :wubu:

I browse it sometimes but haven't had the nerve to actually post anything. I am hetero but crack a lot of jokes. I don't want to appear insensitive/assholish on their new board so I usually just stfu  


P.S. I sometimes date those younger guys....in some ways they are "easier" as long as everyone makes it clear what they want out of it. The right one can flatter/refresh your heart/mind/soul. You might have fun :batting:  

This urban cougar has your back whatever you decide


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## supersoup (Mar 10, 2009)

dear potassium citrate,

you are supposed to be helping me, you dickhead. instead, i am ridiculously nauseous and ill. thanks for nothing!! i'm two doses in, and don't know if i can take you anymore.

sad,
soup


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## Blackjack (Mar 10, 2009)

Dear Dad,

We need to have a long talk about a lot of things. Hell, it might just take all day, but I don't give a damn- there's things that need saying, things that need clearing up, and problems that need solving.

I just wish I had the guts to bring all this shit up with you... but my general concern over stuff is beginning to outweigh not wanting to upset you with the topics.

With _much _love,
Your son


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## Fascinita (Mar 10, 2009)

Dear Universe:

I want a life I can feel good about and that makes me smile at the end of the day. Please lend a hand.

I'll be grateful.

L.


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## Suze (Mar 14, 2009)

nevermindz guyz. double post


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## liz (di-va) (Mar 14, 2009)

Dear darling best friend who doesn't have a clue what Dims is,

I am so sorry that I had to lean on you so hard recently. It meant so much to me that you came, that you were there for me when things were so bad. I am sorry if I scared you. I am sorry if the last year scared you.

But...I am fat. That is who am. Whether that ever changes in any direction, whether it affects/is affected by my health, whatever happens...that's who I am. I am still me. And just because I haven't been very artistically active recently, also doesn't mean I'm not me. I'm still here.

So I ask: do these things matter to the point that you think they do? Do they place limitations on the friendship? Is that what you're doing? What are you really asking of me? I wouldn't care if you wrote another word or suddenly couldn't walk--I don't value you because you do those things. I love you because you have been and are such a great friend to me. 

I'm not really sure you're talkin about my weight, to be honest. All I know is...these are your issues, not mine.

I hope we can get through this...this conversation tonight was awful and I don't know if I would have survived it a few weeks ago. I know now though that I can survive it, that I am in the process of surviving one of the worst things I've ever been through. And my job is to take care of myself now, whatever is going on.

I love you with all my heart.

Your
Lizzy


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## Ash (Mar 15, 2009)

Dear lottery,

Please? Please.

Uncharacteristically Stressed-out,
Ash


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## D_A_Bunny (Mar 16, 2009)

Dear thin sister trying to lose weight because you are going on vacation:

I am your best friend in the world (along with your daughter) and yet you still won't tell me how much you WANT to weigh. You are not a number. Even when I reminded you that I weigh over 400 lbs and you know it, you still won't tell me. I am glad that the size 8/10 skirt fit you. If it makes you happy, it makes me happy. But why at 52 yrs. old are you still obsessed with a number?

You know what, it doesn't even matter to me that much about you, you are who you are and I accept that. Seriously though, I am more concerned with your daughter. I know she is not "skinny", but you know what, she is beautiful and strong and should not be defined by her weight or shape or clothing size. I know that you accept me (for the most part) about being fat and that you know that I say what I say in love and friendship. Just know that noone will be staring at your "ugly" knees on the cruise. They will be too busy having a good time. I hope that you have a good time too.

I guess what I really feel is that maybe when I hear you judging yourself by a number, I wonder if maybe you are also judging me.

Love always your younger sister, not your little sister.


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## Sweet Tooth (Mar 16, 2009)

Dear parents of my brother-in-law,

I know that physical image is very important to you, despite the fact that the two of you are really pretty goofy looking. I know that you judge on weight, that you judge me on my weight. I'm a big girl. I don't expect different from you. I've known you for almost 25 years now, and I doubt you'll ever change.

However, what I take issue with - SERIOUS issue! - is telling your 20 year old grandson that his 18 year old sister is fine, but her 17 year old sister is fat. You see, the girls pretty much wear the same size clothing. Not only is it ignorant to call one fat and the other "fine" but THEY ARE BOTH SIZE 4!

How dare you call a size 4 girl "fat"! Regardless of whether or not it's just a description instead of a judgment call, you're not even close to accurate! This girl is athletic. She runs daily. She plays basketball and softball and swims. Even if she sat on her butt, it doesn't matter, but she's toned and muscular. AND A SIZE 4! Whether size 4 or 14 or 24 or whatever, she's a beautiful, smart, sassy girl.

Idiocy like yours leads to internalized body hatred and eating disorders and externalized hatred of one's grandparents and destroyed relationships. And you wonder why they don't want to come visit you. Duh.

Grow some brains and some hearts while you're at it. But, oh, wait... that'll make you heavier. Nevermind.

Me

P.S. I may not always get through to these girls, but rest assured that I have been subverting your efforts at every turn. I've been showing them that people of all sizes can be happy and valuable humans. And I, unlike you, tell them how beautiful they are. I don't make it conditional on size or accomplishments or any of that. They're beautiful because I love them. Plan on me doubling my efforts to do everything in my power to completely undermine and undo whatever you do to them. I'm throwing down the gauntlet.


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## BigBeautifulMe (Mar 17, 2009)

Dear You,

That thread wasn't about you. Seriously, it wasn't. 

I realize I'm the queen of making things about me when they're not (I'm working on that), but you, my dear, are the Archbishop.


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## Donna (Mar 22, 2009)

Dear "stuff";

Pack yourself or I am going to take the profits from the sale of the condo and buy all new "stuff." You can be replaced. I am serious so stop sitting there in piles mocking me, dammit.

Sincerely, 

The very tired, very aggravated, fat woman


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## EvilPrincess (Mar 22, 2009)

Dear Donna's Stuff, 

My stuff is excited that your stuff is going on an adventure. It is wondering if you would have room for a little more stuff. It has assured me that it would behave, clean up after itself, and not cause you any problems. 

EP - for her stuff - 




Donna said:


> Dear "stuff";
> 
> Pack yourself or I am going to take the profits from the sale of the condo and buy all new "stuff." You can be replaced. I am serious so stop sitting there in piles mocking me, dammit.
> 
> ...


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## Jane (Mar 22, 2009)

EvilPrincess said:


> Dear Donna's Stuff,
> 
> My stuff is excited that your stuff is going on an adventure. It is wondering if you would have room for a little more stuff. It has assured me that it would behave, clean up after itself, and not cause you any problems.
> 
> EP - for her stuff -



NOTE: Stuff lies, and then it lays on your couch all weekend.


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## Donna (Mar 26, 2009)

Dear EP's Stuff;

Come on over, but you must bring EP with you. Donna's stuff is on the truck, waiting patiently for the stuff mover guys, but there is still plenty of room. A lot of Donna's stuff went it's own way in the past few days. I am saddened and will miss the stuff that left, but pleased that some stuff decided to stay and has promised to behave, clean up after itself, etc. 

Sincerely, 
Donna


Dear Jane;

Stuff lies, and then it lays on your couch all weekend? Why, oh why, have I not been informed of this deep truth before now? Hmmm???

Tapping my foot, 
Donna



Dear New Home, 

I will be sleeping in you tonight(sounds mildly lecherous but I assure you it is not.) Please be semi-organized and pleasantly inviting by 5:45 pm today when I arrive home from work. And be nice to my husband and the stuff mover guys today. 

With Affection, 
Donna


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## BeaBea (Mar 26, 2009)

missaf said:


> Dear New Home,
> 
> Don't forget to tickle Donna for us, since you're such a lech.
> 
> ~J



Dear House
Also, please look after Donna for us. She's good people so dont cause her any problems. Ok?

Donna
Happy Housewarming babe!

Tracey


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## Donna (Mar 28, 2009)

Dear Missaf and BeaBea;

I heart you both...and you can tickle me anytime. 

With much affection, 
Donna



Dear Stuff;

Ok, why are you not unpacking yourself? 

Tapping my foot,
Your Owner


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## MisticalMisty (Mar 28, 2009)

Dear Donna,

I love you.

Misty

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU


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## Leesa (Mar 28, 2009)

Dear Mom,
I love you so much! Thanks for cleaning my apartment while I had an entire weekend in class. It was so nice to come home to organization and less clutter.
Hugs,
L


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## JoyJoy (Mar 31, 2009)

Dear G & B, 

We've been close friends for the better part of 7 years, and have shared a lot of good times and bad. Our families have grown together, and you've been like brothers to me. However, I can't and won't live my life to suit your personal standards. 

So, here's the deal: I like him...a lot. Only time will tell how things will work out between us, but the mere fact that you're behaving like a couple of idiots because I've gone on a few of dates with him is far beneath you. Your threats to end the friendship if I get serious with him are inexcusable. If my friendship means that little to you, then I only have two words for you - *Fuck You*. Really. 

You claim to care about my well-being, but you're passing judgment without knowing him at all - it's all about appearances. This isn't an issue of whether or not he's best for me. This is an issue of your petty, small-minded mentality on this subject, and I just won't stand for it. I love you guys, but if you keep pushing on the road your on, I will walk away from you, because I don't need people like that in my life. It's one thing to hold certain views for yourself, and something entirely different to expect others - or especially attempt to force others - to comply with those views just to satisfy you. It would make me very sad to not be your friend anymore, because you're wonderful people otherwise, but this just makes my blood boil, and I refuse to screen the people in my life by your personal criteria just so that we can remain friends. Even if things don't work out with him, I'm very sadly disappointed in you both, and I believe our friendship will be much different from this point on.  


Joy


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## supersoup (Apr 21, 2009)

dear brian and jessica,

i miss you guys so much. since i moved, i know i haven't called, but it's just too hard. i miss you, and i worry about you, and i cry every time i try to call. i hope my texts and emails are enough to let you know i love you, because i can't handle hearing your voices just yet. you were both daily fixtures in my life, and it's hard knowing i can't see you whenever i want anymore. you are both also going through some hard things right now, and it absolutely kills me that i can't hold your hands and help you through it. i miss you, i love you, and miles mean nothing.

yours always,
manda


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## Tad (Apr 22, 2009)

Dear bicycle:

I love you very much, honestly. We've had a lot of great experiences and lovely quiet times together. But you are running my patience down this Spring. This is the fourth flat tire this spring, and the third one in four days (I didn't use you the other day of the four). I even put a brand new tire on you yesterday, yet when I checked in on you recently you were yet again featuring a flat. I'm glad I checked before I was rushing out from work, at least I can leave my desk a bit early tonight and patch you again (hopefully I have my patching kit with me....). 

But enough now. Let's have some trouble free riding, please!


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## MisticalMisty (May 24, 2009)

Dear New House,

Slowly, but surely, you're coming together. Things are going up on the wall...boxes are emptying and most of all...I'm starting to actually like you...a lot.

There are still a few things I'm still kicking my ass about not thoroughly fat girl testing...but I'm even starting to over look those.

Please help this trend continue. Take good care of me...I'm new to this whole house business.

You're new tenant,
Misty


Dear Kitchen,

Why..oh WHY can't we have a dishwasher? It would make things so much easier. The world knows I'm a messy cook. I need one...but there's no place to put one. *sigh*

The girl with a million loads of hand washed dishes in her future,
Misty


Dear You,

*sigh* I can't believe it's been 3 months. The time is flying by and I count my lucky stars each night that you took the chance and messaged me. I know it's totally not you..Mr. Shy..but I'm grateful.

We are both so uncertain about the future..thank you for wanting to live in the moment with me.

We'll let tomorrow be what it will be and enjoy what we have right now.

I can't wait to see you Friday,

The girl who is falling........hard.


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## Jane (May 24, 2009)

#2 only....http://www.lowes.com/lowes/lkn?action=productDetail&productId=258680-83-GSC3500NWW&lpage=none

extra work space on top of the dishwasher...energy star compliant...get Lowe's card, and since it's over $299 you can finance with no interest for a year.


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## MisticalMisty (May 24, 2009)

Jane said:


> #2 only....http://www.lowes.com/lowes/lkn?action=productDetail&productId=258680-83-GSC3500NWW&lpage=none
> 
> extra work space on top of the dishwasher...energy star compliant...get Lowe's card, and since it's over $299 you can finance with no interest for a year.



I don't have a place to put it..that's problem number one..but problem number 2 is that this whole house is hard wood floors..and my biggest worry is that it would leak or something...and I would have to pay to replace the flooring.

One of the reasons I hesitated on a small chest freezer. They were manual defrost and I just imagined me spilling water all over the damn place.

Thank you though!


----------



## BeaBea (May 24, 2009)

MisticalMisty said:


> I don't have a place to put it..



This is turning into the Home Appliance thread  I dont have room for a full size dishwasher but I do have this... It stands on the draining board and its quiet, efficient and brilliant at getting things sparkling. Its over ten years old, has never broken down and takes up a lot less space than a pile of dishes that need washing. Perfect for the busy professional 

Highly recommended! Maybe you can find something similar on your side of the pond?

Tracey xx 

View attachment 230198834.jpg


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## SparklingBBW (May 24, 2009)

Dear Misty, 

I'm like you, hardwood floors and not enough room for a dishwasher (I have so little countertop space as it is), I have become quite accustomed to hand-washing my dishes. Here's my take: It really aint that bad when it's just for one. I tend to wash them while I'm cooking (I have to stay in the kitchen anyway to make sure nothing catches on fire) and so when I'm sitting down to eat, most of my dishes are done. It also turns out that some things are easier to clean while still warm (not hot -- beware sudden temp changes) like the metal collander when I'm having pasta. Anyway, good luck with the new place and the new job! 

G

.


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## MisticalMisty (May 24, 2009)

BeaBea said:


> This is turning into the Home Appliance thread  I dont have room for a full size dishwasher but I do have this... It stands on the draining board and its quiet, efficient and brilliant at getting things sparkling. Its over ten years old, has never broken down and takes up a lot less space than a pile of dishes that need washing. Perfect for the busy professional
> 
> Highly recommended! Maybe you can find something similar on your side of the pond?
> 
> Tracey xx



How does this thing work? Does it has a hose or something you hook up to the kitchen sink?

I'm totally bugging..LOL CLUELESS over here!

HA..duh Misty..sheesh.

Found this one..not sure about it though...


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## MisticalMisty (May 24, 2009)

Genarose54 said:


> Dear Misty,
> 
> I'm like you, hardwood floors and not enough room for a dishwasher (I have so little countertop space as it is), I have become quite accustomed to hand-washing my dishes. Here's my take: It really aint that bad when it's just for one. I tend to wash them while I'm cooking (I have to stay in the kitchen anyway to make sure nothing catches on fire) and so when I'm sitting down to eat, most of my dishes are done. It also turns out that some things are easier to clean while still warm (not hot -- beware sudden temp changes) like the metal collander when I'm having pasta. Anyway, good luck with the new place and the new job!
> 
> ...



Ugh..I wish I was a do dishes as they are dirtied kinda person..lol

I am going to do it...I mean..I kinda have to suck it up and just get it done...


----------



## Green Eyed Fairy (May 24, 2009)

Dear New Guy,

I like you. I like your dogs. However, when I come over and hope to sit close to you and work on getting more intimate, I don't want your dog to jump on me. Nor do I find shit on your floors very appealing. I'm trying to spend time with you....not your dogs. Put your animals away for a short while until you and them know me better, kay? 

Thanks.


Rethinking this whole thing and not so sure about you anymore,
Moi


Dear ex-bf calling me from rehab,

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I told you that place would do you a world of good. Do it for yourself. Take control of your life and make it what it needs to be. Only you have that power. I have your back. 

However.....you fucked up...badly. Don't go there in our convos.....we're done. Too much water under the bridge, too many put-downs, too much hurt and you grabbed and assaulted me one too many times. Fuck off. We're never going to be together again.

Get well soon. 

Your never to be with you again EX-gf and friend,
Moi


----------



## mossystate (May 24, 2009)

Dear foot,

I am being super careful so I do not fuck with your incision. Please stop hurting, as that is making me paranoid that I am not being careful...enough, and have split the incision, and have me thinking I will have to have some in office procedure done, and won't have the lovely benefit of general anesthesia, and will have to endure TORTURE. 

In other words...Monique...stop being paranoid. Sorry, foot. You have a wacko of an owner.



Oh.

Dear Swedish Medical Center Seattle, 

You were FANTASTIC. From the moment I checked in, every person...every...person...was wonderful and kind. I think I must have talked to 10 people, and this was a minor surgery. 

I will start a thread on the Health forum, singing your praises, and to tell anyone in this area to make sure they consider Swedish for their surgery. I appreciate that my needs were noticed, if not headed off at the pass. I know I was a good patient, so that had to a positive in my favor, but I have a feeling you just have a great group of people.

You helped me want to do better by my health, and to not be so afraid, and that is huge...huge.

A happy customer, 

Monique S.


----------



## Fascinita (May 24, 2009)

Dear Women of Dimensions,

You are cool, smart, and endlessly interesting.

Hoping to enjoy the pleasures of your company in a BBW Forum, soon,

Fascinita


----------



## D_A_Bunny (May 24, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Dear Women of Dimensions,
> 
> You are cool, smart, and endlessly interesting.
> 
> ...



Dear Fascinita -

Is this a hint of some good news to come?

Signed -

one of the many wimmens at Dimensions


----------



## Fascinita (May 24, 2009)

D_A_Bunny said:


> Dear Fascinita -
> 
> Is this a hint of some good news to come?
> 
> ...



Not yet, C. But I hope there _will_ be good news soon. *L* Keep your fingers crossed.


----------



## Donna (May 25, 2009)

Fascinita said:


> Dear Women of Dimensions,
> 
> You are cool, smart, and endlessly interesting.
> 
> ...



Dear Women of Dimensions;

I agree wholeheartedly with the above letter.

-Donna

p.s. Thanks for the update Fascinita. 
********************************************************


Dear Dimensions as a Whole;

I received the message at the top that I have not posted on the forums in several weeks. I highly disagree. I updated my blog a week ago. Or was that two weeks ago?? 

My apologies to the select few that care...my absences/silences are far more frequent than even I prefer. Free time is a luxury. I often envy those who have much to say on the many differing topics. Apparently I don't have that many dimensions (heh!) to my personality. 

Here, 
Donna

p.s. Happy Memorial Day and many blessings to the veterans amongst us and to those who have moved on to the next plan of existence. I am honored you served our country. 
**********************************************************


----------



## mossystate (Jun 2, 2009)

You, 

Don't let them get you down. Think about the sources, please.

M


----------



## EllorionsDarlingAngel (Jun 9, 2009)

Dear Brother,

I don't know why you didn't come to us when you were in trouble,but know that We love you and We are here for you now. Please get the help you need and PLEASE turn your life around. You have gotten a second chance and have a family that loves you. 

With All the love I have,
Your Older Sister

Dear Man UpStairs,

Help me accept the thing I can not change and change the things I can. Walk by me and guide me in the right direction. 

Thank You From,
Here on Earth


----------



## mossystate (Jun 9, 2009)

missaf said:


> Dear Mossy,
> 
> I'm so glad Swedish Seattle treated you well. Their brain and pituitary center was on my list of choices for surgery, and they do some amazing endocrinology work there as well. If I need further treatment that can't be handled in So Cal, I'm off to Seattle to stay at the Inn inside the hospital and get my innards taken care of



I missed this the first time. I hope you don't need further treatment, but, if you do, come on up. I would bring you tasty stuff for your treated innards.


----------



## HDANGEL15 (Jun 26, 2009)

*dear charmcitychoppers

please learn the defenition of the *TRUTH*
please stop lying to me
please...FIX MY EFFIN BIKE 
once and for all
it's been close to a year
i want it back

o ya..of course keeping you all in my prayers
bless YOU ALL...change me.....<sigh>

o ya..hope you don't get firebombed or anything
*


----------



## alienlanes (Jun 26, 2009)

Dear potential landlord,

I made it very clear (in my initial Craigslist ad, during our subsequent email and phone conversations, and at our meeting in person) that I needed a month-to-month lease because of my job search. You said you were fine with that.

Now, two days before I'm scheduled to move in, you say that you're not sure you want a month-to-month tenant and that you won't rent to me past August if I can't move in long-term.

I'm glad that this is a furnished room, so that if I back out I won't have to deal with moving furniture to or from your building. I'm double glad that I demanded to see a written lease before I gave you any money. I'm triple glad that I haven't _signed_ a written lease yet.

Maybe you're being shady and trying to pull a bait and switch. Maybe you're just being a flake. But if any of the other places I looked at these past two weeks are still interested in renting to me, you can forget about getting my money, even if it's just through August.

Yours,

Skeptical potential tenant


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## alienlanes (Jun 26, 2009)

UPDATE:

Goddamn it, you have me over a barrel. None of the other landlords have gotten back to me, and I'm supposed to move into your place on Sunday morning, so I have no other options. 

I'm still willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if anything seems the least bit shady when I go to sign the lease, I'm going to walk. I'd rather crash on my friend's couch than have some sort of scam pulled on me.


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## Donna (Jun 27, 2009)

Dear Kettle;

You don't always have to look at the trees. There are times when it is better to look at the forest. Perhaps I am over-sensitive to it because I have my own wicked analytical streak, but please stop analyzing things to death. You can only pick things apart so much before the pieces start to scatter and you lose the essence of what was there before it was broken down. The old adage is true, the sum really is greater than the parts! And some things in this world, in this life, just need to "be". Sometimes you need a little magic to go with the science; especially when it comes to relationships. 

Yes, you are black, 
The Pot


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