# Is this Verbal Abuse?



## Raqui (Sep 2, 2008)

Being a SSBBW in a relationship going down the tubes I have serious thoughts and questions that I want some views on.

Many people think of abuse as a hit or punch. Though many times words hurt you much more than anything else. If i wasn't a strong woman with a lot of confidence words like the ones my Fiance (truthfully I don't know what we are anymore) said might have destroyed me. When I think about a woman who is not like myself hearing words such as these I realize it could break the very foundation of there feelings about themselves. Under no condition should someone be verbally abused and his words spoken to me ring true with Verbal Abuse.

I am asking the thoughts of others because I want a clearer picture on weather others see this as verbal abuse also.

During an argument we were speaking about going out. I would like to spend time with him and feel as though we are a couple. We may live together but quality time together is very rare almost non-existent. He talks about all the things he wants to do and how I don't fit into his picture or i cant do them also. I think compromise would be the answer and i tell him If you let me know when you want to go do something I cant do with you, then i can make arrangements to go with my friends to do something and if i needed you to you can drop me off and pick me up or one or the other depending on if i need a ride at all. Of course giving me cab money would also work.

So he tells me "I can go and get on the train and go where ever i want when i want, It is not my fault that you cant do the same thing.

Another time we discussed the same thing and he told me "I can go and travel around easy and you cant, You cant do what I do, Don't be mad because you cant, That is not my problem and it is not my fault.

Mind you I love being who I am and I have never had a problem with the fact that I cant run up the 45 degree hill by my house and get on the train. That is why I bought the truck I have because together we were suppose to travel and have fun and do thing. I somehow got thrown out of that situation. 

It basically comes down the line and I tell him why are you here?
You don't tell me you love me
You don't hug me
You don't kiss me
You don't show me any affection
You don't talk to me
These are things people normally do in a relationship but when i ask you to do any of the above I get an attitude. You put on a good show in front of others but when we are alone it is totally different.

To me it seems like you want to control me. You don't want to let me know about anything you want to do because then i would make plans also. Seems like he rather me be stuck at home while he goes out to do what he wants to do. 

The finally blow that made me really made me see that this could be verbal abuse was his statement that make me really feel hurt.

Things have gotten so bad that i told him Maybe i should just go away for a while. The horrible face and attitude were enough but the words he spoke not only hurt but surprised me. I never thought he would say such words.

Where do you think you could go? 

I have options I said, There are many people who have asked me to visit them. I have places i can go.

Who is going to want you around, he yelled. No one is going to accommodate you. No one is going to do for you. No one is going to want you around them. You cant just get up and go anywhere you want when you want. 

It reminds me of the husband who beats his wife. 
No one wants you, etc.

Some people may say he meant it in a different way. He was talking about your size etc. That just makes it worse in my eyes. How are you going to pick me as a SSBBW woman and yet complain when i don't do things the same as others I find a way to do what i want in a comfortable way for me.

I will never forget when he complained about the way i cleaned the bathroom because i sit on the toilet to scrub the tub and floor. I guess cleaning up everyone's shit, piss and body dirt only counts if your standing up or on your knees on the floor. The point was it got clean. 

Mind you he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in this house ever.

To me it seems like whatever I do is never good enough because I am not doing it in a way he wasn't to see done. If i sit down and prepare a meal in a comfortable way for myself. It is not good enough because I wasn't standing in front of the stove. I basically stopped cooking because I got tired of not being appreciated. 

If i need to take a rest, sit down and relax etc. It becomes a big issue because he doesn't need a rest. He even had a fit because I used a scooter at vegas bash. I thought he would be happy because I was able to go just as fast and faster than him. He put me down because of it. Even though my knees were hurting me because of an injury. Still using a scooter with out an injury isn't a crime. But I wasn't good enough because i used a scooter. 

There are many more things said about me through the years but these are the few that really made me realize that verbal abuse has been a part of my life for a while and I didn't even see it or know it at first. The subtle ways and words used to break a person down. 

I really want some opinions on this.


Raqui


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## JoyJoy (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui, 

I think you've answered the question for yourself. This man does not appreciate you, want what's best for you, or understand your needs. He talks down to you, insults you and bottom line is, he's not good for you to have around. DO NOT marry this man. If he's like this now, think about what spending the rest of your life with him would be like. Is that what you want? 20-30+ more years of what you describe? Don't waste your time. Being alone would be better than being with him. You can do better. You're a strong, beautiful, confident woman and the man who deserves you would treat you like a queen. 

I know the idea of moving on is scary, but there are always other options. Don't let him beat you down.


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## Clariposita22 (Sep 2, 2008)

Girl, what's up?
First of all, he doesn't have to put his hands on you to be abuse..... I doubt he would try that cuz a slap from a big girl, will leave a dent.... trust me, i know... i have left a few dents in my days...... 
The way this sounds to me is that he is misserable and he is trying to bring you down. He is speaking out of anger and saying stuff he may not necessarely mean, but, unfortunately for him, those things will stay in your mind and push you away from him even more. You are a strong woman and you are not breaking easily but regardless of how strong you are, it does affect you. do you know why he says stuff like that? i wonder if he is going throught something where he feels he is a failure and is trying to blame it on you or maybe make you feel as bad as he does.......
do you think he just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore? why can't you put him out? Keep your head up!!!!!!!! This too shall passsssss


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## Ruby Ripples (Sep 2, 2008)

You are in an abusive relationship. He is verbally/mentally abusive towards you,and that is torture. As you say, it can be much more scarring than physical abuse and I'm very glad that you are the strong person that you are, and can see it for exactly what it is. You also pointed out that it is a gradual process, and I know it can be so gradual a build up that you end up being used to such treatment, until it gets to the stage that the person is being rude and negative to you almost all of the time.

You know that such a relationship isn't going anywhere - his comments about the bathroom cleaning are just so typical of that kind of person... trying to drag you down by pointing out your "differences" even when you're clearly doing a good job of things. 

I wouldn't even allow the "excuse" of him being unhappy or going through something that makes him feel a failure.... he is a grown man, and that behaviour is unacceptable, however he feels.

I'm sorry that you are going through this Raqui and I trust that you will do the right thing for you, and your life. 

Very best of luck to you in what you decide.


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## bexy (Sep 2, 2008)

This is hideous behaviour and yes it is abuse. Verbal and emotional. 

Take those options you mentioned, and get out. You are a strong woman and if it were any of us in this position you would tell us to GO! Don't prove him right by staying put. Show him you have friends, people who love you and places to go and leave. He has no right to treat you this way.

Read this thread http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40247

Anyone who dates a SSBBW should know what they need and require and give it to them. If they don't, then they are ignorant. This is not love, it is control and it needs to stop.


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## Redhotphatgirl (Sep 2, 2008)

Girl it is verbal abuse and you are better than that. We been on line aquaintances for years you and I and let me tell you straight up. If you were coming to see me, my ass would accomodate you. Thats what respect is about thats why dave and I buy sturdy big furniture and use my kitchen chairs on my lanai when the outside furniture does not work for my bigger friends. Thats why we check resturants for no arm chairs. 

I sit down to do dishes and to cook I sit down to clean the tub and I clean the bathroom floor on my tummy. I do have to get down there to do it but you do what you got to do how ever you got to do it.

You are gorgeous and a beautiful person inside you deserve all the affection in the world. I really hate this for you. red


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## Tad (Sep 2, 2008)

First, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

Second: What everyone else has already said.

It is not the words alone so much as the attitude. It seems to say that he wants you to be trapped and dependent on him and him alone, and that then he can treat you however he wants. I don't know if he is so insecure that it is the only way he thinks he can be safe, or if he needs such ridiculous levels of control to feel secure, or if he simply has a real mean streak. But whatever his reason, his behavior is totally unacceptable.

With love you want to see your loved one thrive, but it seems he would rather treat you like a mushroom--keep you in the dark and throw crap at you. I can't imagine you taking up the existence of a mushroom.

I'm a big believer in that old saying "If you love something, let it free." He's trying to keep you caged by the sounds of it. That might be a lot of things, but to me it is not love, and it is not decent treatment of another human being.


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## Sandie S-R (Sep 2, 2008)

This man sounds very abusive. It sounds (by what he is saying) that he resents you and your size. When a man loves you or cares about you, he just doesn't speak to you this way. I think you are right about him wanting to control you and your situation, and there is nothing kind or loving about being controlled. His words to you are mean spirited, unkind, rude and inconsiderate. That is not how someone treats someone they love or care for. 

I'm truly sorry you are in this situation, and suggest that you get some counseling or help to remove yourself from this. I know it is hurtful when someone you care for and have put your trust in is hurtful to you. Please be sure to take care of yourself.


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## SilkyAngela (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui you are such a giving and loving person, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. 

The more he makes himself sound like your savior and the only one who will accomodate you, the more he justifies to himself that treating you this way or worse is ok and in the meantime he's programming you to expect less and less from him on an emotional level by pointing out how unworthy you are.  This is classic verbal/mental abuse and it seems to me you are being "groomed" for further abuse. 

You know in your heart you deserve to be loved and appreciated for all you are. Don't settle for anything less, Raqui.


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## crosseyedhamster (Sep 2, 2008)

At first it sounded like he was just being an asshole, but the line about "no one would take you in" clinched it.

That is what somebody says when they want to isolate you and make you feel like you don't have anyone else. My grandparents were in an abusive relationship and it did not end well and he tried to make her feel like he was the only person that could love her or care about her.

He is trying to break away your self-confidence and try to make you feel like you're not good enough so that you develop an attachment to him out of fear. I'd say don't stand for it another day. I don't fully know your situation but you've got to get out of it. This is what the guy who beats his wife starts out as. He's just setting the stage now for you to eventually think "he hit me, but I don't have anywhere else to go" and it begins with chipping away at your self-worth. You need to get out of it.

And have a few names ready in your head if he asks again who will help you, to show him what he's messing with.


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## Ruffie (Sep 2, 2008)

I will tell you the same thing that I tell the kids I work with. What is your GUT telling you? Your head and heart will often steer you wrong but your gut never does, because that is your instinct, your survival mechanisms. By the sounds of your post, you already know what you want to do and how you feel. Just need to be ready to do it. And that my dear will come. Stay strong and be you!
Ruth


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## stan_der_man (Sep 2, 2008)

I agree with the others here Raqui. This guy definitely sounds like someone who isn't going to be supportive of you and obviously doesn't appreciate you. Being a FA and being a partner with a BBW / SSBBW has it's benefits and disadvantages, this guy doesn't sound like he is willing to accept the responsibilities that come with being a FA. In the long run it won't be a good situation, you certainly don't owe this guy anything. You sound like a wonderful person Raqui, you deserve to be treated with respect.


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## dragorat (Sep 2, 2008)

*Plain & simple it IS abuse.How sure are you that when he goes out with his "friends",he's not hooking up with another woman.The only reason he's still with you & treating you as he does is to NOT come home to an empty house.He doesn't truly understand what a wonder,loving,strong woman you are.If he says he's an FA he's lying.He's making a bigger fool of himself than of you.You know you have friends.You know you are better than what he says.Kick his ass to the curb & get on with your life.Find a man who truly appreciates you for you Not just outside but in as well.*


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## sugar and spice (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui, I agree with what everyone else has already said. You are a very beautiful person inside and out and you should NOT put up with this treatment from him anymore. I do think it's abuse and he doesn't deserve you, you can do so much better. I know change is painful and hard sometimes but I have always said I would rather be alone than be with someone who is going to treat me like crap and make me feel bad about myself. You have always impressed me as a proud, beautiful, intelligent, fellow super sized sister and I know you will have the strength to do what is best for your mental health and self esteem and find someone else who will love, respect and appreciate you and not settle for anything less.Big hugs of support,Fran


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## jewels_mystery (Sep 2, 2008)

My sister. It's time to close that book on him. He does not deserve you. I agree with dragorat about your boyfriend not being a true FA. Any significant other (regardless of size) should be willing to compromise for their other half. Not throw up your limitations in your face. Sounds like he is trying to play head games. First by making you feel isolated and then by trying (failing thankfully) to crush your self esteem. There is no intimacy or affection in the relationship, he has go to go!!!


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## Ernest Nagel (Sep 2, 2008)

It's hardly ever black and white. Nobody likes giving up on a relationship that once worked. As I recall you've shared good things about your relationship in the past? When the handwriting's on the wall you can't just keep hanging old pictures in front of it though.

You clearly already know what you want and need to do, Raqui. In spite of whatever complications and difficulties it may create in the near term this guy is eating into your future. Don't postpone the inevitable any longer than you have to. Show him you're more than capable of getting along without his inexcusable attitude and remarks. Good luck and please keep us posted. :bow:


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## user 29874 (Sep 2, 2008)

This is verbal and psychological abuse. PERIOD.

This kind of small minded guys have always, sooner or later the strong need to put down others to feel good themselves.

I was victim twice of 2 different people I was dating. One of them used to tell me "you are the most sexy girl on the Planet, I love the way you dress" I was busy doing a TV show here in my country and since he didn´t like it all of the sudden "I was dressing like a whore" according to him and so many other things I will not bring here for respect of everysingle person here. Everything way abusive, rude, sexist and nasty you can ever imagine!

Raqui, I love you as my older sister, you know that. You has given to much to this world, your family, your daughter and community. You are a wonderful woman who deserve five times respect and love. Remember you teach me that?

I don't wanna see you in pain because of a loser and small ass mind. 

You deserve something better, for God sakes YOU ARE RAQUI !!!!!!!

I´m here and I´ll be here for you anytime you wanna talk, or cry.

I love you muñequita.


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## washburn (Sep 2, 2008)

Dear Raqui,

I have heard some of your Eradio podcasts and forum discussions, your words are a light and a beacon to women and men in the size acceptance movement. You have my empathy on your situation and my intent that you will find peace and resolution is bein sent out to ya over these quantum radiowaves that make up our collective mind. YES! YES, YES, YES, You are in a destructive, deconstructive relationship. I know because I have come out of one that mirrors yours. Your post struck me to the bone. You need to leave, you are a strong woman and have a network that can help you. The universe always provides as long as you take action and show true gratitiude. Right now you are being controlled, as I was. you are being ignored, as I was, and you are being unloved as I was as well. My relationship blew up due to emotional tug of war. It wasn't the right way to do it and it could have ended better but there are no mistakes in life, just lessons. (YEAH DALAI LAMA!!) My only advise to you is this. Make a plan, which should be easy cause he doesn't listen to you and you are ignored. Pack what is of value, sacrifice what is unnecassary, which should be easy cause you are left alone, and on the day you decide to take action and step into what the universe will provide for you, get in the cab and go, if you fear of him becoming violent, leave a dear john letter and alert the authorities of your situation. I know this will be hard, even for the strong it is hard, but you will diminish if you don't get out. I only hope the best for you and hope you make the decision that is right for you and you alone.

The Rose, by A Perfect Circle
Don't disturb the Beast,
The tempermental Goat,
The Snail,
while he's feeding on the Rose
Stay frozen, compromise
What I will I am

Bend around the wind
Silently thrown about again
I'm treading so soft and lightly
Compromising my will
I am

I am, I will
So no longer will I
Lay down, play dead
Play your doe
In the headlights locked down
And terrified
Your deer in the headlights
Shut down and horrified when
Push comes to pull comes to shove
Comes to step around this
Self-destructive dance
That never would've ended 'til
I rose,
I roared aloud here
I will, I am

I am, I will
So no longer will I
Lay down, play dead,
Play this
Kneel down
Gun-shy martyr, pitiful
I rose, I roared
I will, I am

I can tell you this too. There are happy endings, If I had not experienced what I had I would never, ever have found my true love, my angel, my everything. Never live with regrets, cause everything will fit in its right place, have faith and I am sure a lot of people here are with you in spirit right now.


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## Fascinita (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui,

I'm sorry to hear this is going on in your life.

Yes, I think it amounts to abuse. 

Walk away. From your description, it sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. Walk away. Drop it on him. Watch him squirm. Have a laugh. Or just walk away and never look back.

No one should have to put up with stuff like you describe. Let alone someone as creative and intelligent as you are. Say, "See ya!" Better days are around the corner, I promise.

Best of luck.


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## LJ Rock (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui said:


> To me it seems like you want to control me.



My opinion: I think you hit the nail on the head right here, Raqui. Guys like that aren't interested in having a loving relationship with someone as much as they feel they need to have _control_ over someone in order to feel like they have _control_ over their own unhappy lives. They think that the only way they can keep a woman in their life is by putting her down and making her feel like she is nothing without him, when in fact it is HE who would be nothing without HER; they try to make HER feel like she needs him to survive, when in fact it is HE who needs HER so desperately. 

I read a quote many years ago, and it always amazes me how many times in life I find it to be applicable. Roughly paraphrased: "Immature love says 'I love you because I _need_ you.' Real love says 'I _need_ you because I _*love*_ you.'" 

So if the only reason someone tells you they "love you" is because they are afraid of being alone, or for whatever reason they just feel like they _need_ you in their life, they are not really loving you wholly and completely and ultimately it is _you_ who will be made to suffer. They are unable to truly give you the love that you need and deserve because they have not yet been able to find that love within themselves. So they resort to whatever means in order to keep that false sense of love and security, including being abusive (most likely because they have been abused or neglected themselves at some point in their development.) No matter how old we get, so many of us it seems are still _emotionally_ and _developmentally immature._ 

When you are truly able to love and be loved, you are not only interested in fulfilling your own emotional needs but fulfilling those of your partner as well. Real love isn't about controlling, its about giving of yourself. 

No one deserves that kind of treatment, Raqui; no one wants to be controlled or made to feel like they are unappreciated or worthless. I don't know you personally, Raqui but I have read enough of your posts and listened to your radio program enough to know that you are a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman and that any man would be lucky to have someone like you in their life. Deep down I am sure your man knows this and realizes how lucky he is to have you. But it doesn't matter, because clearly you can NOT go on living that way. He needs to make some serious changes in his life, not only about they way he chooses to treat the people who care about him, but I suspect also in the way that he feels about himself and views the world around him. You can't make those changes for him, it's work he needs to do for himself.... it's a long soul-searching journey. 

It's unfortunate and I hate to say it.... but it might just take loosing you to make him realize that indeed a change needs to be made.


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## snuggletiger (Sep 2, 2008)

You deserve better Raqui


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## ParrotHead FA (Sep 2, 2008)

Hi. As an FA who has dated some very large women, I just had to respond to this. First of all, yes, it is abuse. I also think it's bullshit. As an admirer of large women, one should know that to date a woman of your size will present some challenges in everyday life, and that he should be prepared to meet those if he really wants to be with someone like you. I have seen you in the size acceptance movement for years now, and besides being a truly beautiful and magnificent woman, you are also intelligent, multi faceted, and an inspiration to others in the BBW community. I agree with Rat... kick him to the curb girl. Personally, I don't understand why someone would want to live with someone they don't want to go places or spend time with. I'd rather be alone, than to be around a girl that I would just ignore or not want to do things with.
I can tell you this, there are probably a hundred good men out there who would be delighted to have someone like you in their life, and would show you this by their actions. As someone who has lived with 500+ lb BBWs before, I can tell you firsthand that when you love and care for someone of size, you readily make accomodations for this person. I knew there were places she couldn't go and things that would be difficult for her to do, instead of dwelling on what we couldn't do together, I made the most of what we could do so that we had lots of quality time. That's what you do as a good FA when you date a supersized woman. You make sure you buy/rent a home with wide doorways, large bathrooms, and spacious rooms, buy extra sturdy furniture and armless chairs. You choose a vehicle that will accomodate your partner's size. You call ahead to make sure there is appropriate seating in restaurants, or go in ahead of her and ask for an armless chair to be brought to your table. You don't mind driving up to the door and letting her out, or picking her up at the curb when you leave. You go in ahead and get her a scooter at a shopping mall or grocery store. My wife is a beautiful supersized woman who has been injured in an automobile accident. I don't think twice about bringing her wheelchair or making sure she has a scooter when we go places. The accident caused changes in her mobility, but in a loving committed relationship, you adapt to these changes and do the best you can for your loved ones. We have always enjoyed outdoor activities together, so we bought a 4 wheel drive truck so we can still go camping and drive into areas we might have walked to before. When we go to the beach, I make sure to find a parking spot close to the water so it's close enough for my wife to be able to walk down there, and I always make sure buffets are wheelchair accessible for her. We still enjoy going for walks in the evening, only now I push her in her wheelchair while we talk and enjoy our walk. These are all things I do for her without even thinking about it.
I think you would do best to find someone who is ready for a relationship with a woman like you, and man enough to accept the challenges that may also come along with it. Belittling others for their shortcomings is childish and unwarranted, and certainly not how you treat someone you supposedly love. There are real FA's out there, and I really think you could do better.
Dave


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## washburn (Sep 2, 2008)

ParrotHead FA said:


> Hi. As an FA who has dated some very large women, I just had to respond to this. First of all, yes, it is abuse. I also think it's bullshit. As an admirer of large women, one should know that to date a woman of your size will present some challenges in everyday life, and that he should be prepared to meet those if he really wants to be with someone like you. I have seen you in the size acceptance movement for years now, and besides being a truly beautiful and magnificent woman, you are also intelligent, multi faceted, and an inspiration to others in the BBW community. I agree with Rat... kick him to the curb girl. Personally, I don't understand why someone would want to live with someone they don't want to go places or spend time with. I'd rather be alone, than to be around a girl that I would just ignore or not want to do things with.
> I can tell you this, there are probably a hundred good men out there who would be delighted to have someone like you in their life, and would show you this by their actions. As someone who has lived with 500+ lb BBWs before, I can tell you firsthand that when you love and care for someone of size, you readily make accomodations for this person. I knew there were places she couldn't go and things that would be difficult for her to do, instead of dwelling on what we couldn't do together, I made the most of what we could do so that we had lots of quality time. That's what you do as a good FA when you date a supersized woman. You make sure you buy/rent a home with wide doorways, large bathrooms, and spacious rooms, buy extra sturdy furniture and armless chairs. You choose a vehicle that will accomodate your partner's size. You call ahead to make sure there is appropriate seating in restaurants, or go in ahead of her and ask for an armless chair to be brought to your table. You don't mind driving up to the door and letting her out, or picking her up at the curb when you leave. You go in ahead and get her a scooter at a shopping mall or grocery store. My wife is a beautiful supersized woman who has been injured in an automobile accident. I don't think twice about bringing her wheelchair or making sure she has a scooter when we go places. The accident caused changes in her mobility, but in a loving committed relationship, you adapt to these changes and do the best you can for your loved ones. We have always enjoyed outdoor activities together, so we bought a 4 wheel drive truck so we can still go camping and drive into areas we might have walked to before. When we go to the beach, I make sure to find a parking spot close to the water so it's close enough for my wife to be able to walk down there, and I always make sure buffets are wheelchair accessible for her. We still enjoy going for walks in the evening, only now I push her in her wheelchair while we talk and enjoy our walk. These are all things I do for her without even thinking about it.
> I think you would do best to find someone who is ready for a relationship with a woman like you, and man enough to accept the challenges that may also come along with it. Belittling others for their shortcomings is childish and unwarranted, and certainly not how you treat someone you supposedly love. There are real FA's out there, and I really think you could do better.
> Dave



This is what I'm talkin 'bout. I agree with ya man, it's good people like you and so many others that can hopefully bring the decency, love and consideration that is so desperately needed in this world. All of us here, keep on giving Ms. Raqui our support. 
You are too good for that jerk. You will find so much more. Let your mind and heart work in unison and truths shall be discovered, but take action! whatever it may be.


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## chocolate desire (Sep 2, 2008)

Having been a guest several times I can say she is correct in saying her house is very fat friendly.. I also want to say I miss her huge shower very very much. Let me know if you go that way Raqui and I might meet you there.




Redhotphatgirl said:


> Girl it is verbal abuse and you are better than that. We been on line aquaintances for years you and I and let me tell you straight up. If you were coming to see me, my ass would accomodate you. Thats what respect is about thats why dave and I buy sturdy big furniture and use my kitchen chairs on my lanai when the outside furniture does not work for my bigger friends. Thats why we check resturants for no arm chairs.
> 
> I sit down to do dishes and to cook I sit down to clean the tub and I clean the bathroom floor on my tummy. I do have to get down there to do it but you do what you got to do how ever you got to do it.
> 
> You are gorgeous and a beautiful person inside you deserve all the affection in the world. I really hate this for you. red


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## Redhotphatgirl (Sep 2, 2008)

chocolate desire said:


> Having been a guest several times I can say she is correct in saying her house is very fat friendly.. I also want to say I miss her huge shower very very much. Let me know if you go that way Raqui and I might meet you there.


yep yep un huh uh huh btw as nice as Dave talked about me i might keep him what do you think? heheheheh love ya


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## bigsexy920 (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui, 

As Joy said - You know the answer. IM sorry you are dealing with this it always hurts when things dont turn out how you plan. But hey, you can still have the plan - just have it with someone else. Good Luck to you 

Berna


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## ThatFatGirl (Sep 2, 2008)

My heart goes out to you, Racqui. You deserve better than you're getting. Be strong and love yourself enough to find a better situation for yourself.

Good luck and (((((HUGS))))) to you.


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## indy500tchr (Sep 2, 2008)

Raqui,
I think you'd be doing yourself good to leave this guy. I broke up with my boyfriend this summer for reasons similar to yours. Nobody deserves to be talked to like that at all. Good luck girl. You are beautiful and will find somebody who appreciates how wonderful you are.

Katie


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## mariac1966 (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui,

There is not much more that I can add that hasn't already been said. I do agree with everyone - Leave this relationship now before things get worse. I know it hurts and it is hard to move on, but for your own sanity this is what you need to do.


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## Dr. P Marshall (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui-

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I know you've answered your own question, but here is something that was posted on the website of the Center Against Domestic Violence just to confirm for you that it IS abuse.

ARE YOU ABUSED?
You may be in
an abusive relationship
if your partner ...

is extremely jealous
*isolates you from friends and family*
*blames you when things go wrong*
acts hurt when you have a different opinion about things
has been violent with you
*calls you names, puts you down or curses you*
keeps breaking promises to improve his or her temper
physically holds you against your will to keep you from leaving the room
has strong beliefs about what it means to be a man or woman

Raqui, get out of this relationship ASAP. I know you're a strong woman who can take care of yourself, and that you have many people who love you, but in case you need some real life support to get out, I found some information for you in New York. I hope it's OK to list these links here, if not and the mod needs to remove them, PM me. This is CADV's site as well as a list of various types of resources for NYC.

http://www.centeragainstdv.org/what/questions/index.html

http://thesafetyzone.org/everyone/resource.html#city


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## BBW Betty (Sep 3, 2008)

(((Raqui)))

I can only echo what others have said here. I'm sure you recognize the abuse for what it is. Someone who treats you like that has no love in them. Take care of yourself right now.


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## mergirl (Sep 3, 2008)

hey girl. I dont have anything else to add cause its all been said. I'm just glad that you have identified his abuse and i hope you get out of that relationship soon as..
I think a lot of the time abusers get away with it for so long because they are sneeky.. they will chip away at your confidence bit by bit so that you can't notice it.. and sometime when you do notice it your confidence will be so chipped away at that you feel you are nothing and cant exist without the abuser. 
He sounds like an imature wanker who is completely insecure (as most people who abuse others are) and you are a hot, intelligent, amazing woman. There will be a battalion (whit?) of guys that treat you with respect lining up just to kiss your feet as soon as your dump the disrespectful septic bawbag that claims to love you!!

Strength and Light to you xmer


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## ReallyNiceFellow (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I sometimes wonder why women get into "abusive" relationships; when alone, they seem to think that any relationship is better than none. And I'm always surprised when women I admire and respect do that to themselves. (Why don't they pick a great guy like me? There's thousands of us!)

Whether or not it's "abuse" is kind of irrelevant, isn't it? You said yourself that the relationship is going down the tubes, so get out of it. Quit prolonging the agony. For both of you.

"Where would you go?" he asked? 

Does it matter? Anyplace would be better than where you are now. (Unless, of course, you choose to get into another relationship right away. ) The first place that you "go" (assuming that you are leaving the relationship rather than kicking him out) is likely to be temporary until you can ind a more permanent spot. You've picked yourself up before, and you can do it again. But unless you take that first step, it ain't gonna happen.

When you make the break, try to keep your emotions under control. A lawyer might help you to assert your rights in the split.

Quit worrying about whether or not it's abuse; just stop it.

Good luck, my Friend. You deserve better, but you are going to have to make it happen.


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## Russell Williams (Sep 3, 2008)

"Who is going to want you around, he yelled. No one is going to accommodate you. No one is going to do for you. No one is going to want you around them. You cant just get up and go anywhere you want when you want. 

It reminds me of the husband who beats his wife. 
No one wants you, etc."

If you were renting a room to a person would you take this kind of abuse from someone you were renting to? If you had an employee, would you take this kind of abuse from an employee?

Why stay with someone who works hard to make you feel bad? Why does he stay with someone who he apparently does not like? There are a lot of women in this world who can go all the places that he wants to go. Why does he preferred to stay with someone who cannot go where he can go rather than be with someone who can go all of the places he wants to go? What is the payoff for him in being around someone whom he feels must constantly be told unpleasant things about themselves.

If he is so interested in improving the quality of other people's lives there are a lot of people in your local jail who need to have their lives improved. You could suggest that instead of berating you he write letters to people in jail berating them for their actions that have seriously hurt people.

If he says that is a dumb suggestion then the question becomes why it is so important to berate you who is not hurting anyone and to ignore those who have hurt people badly.

Yours truly,

Russell Williams


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## Raqui (Sep 3, 2008)

I know the answer, I guess i wanted to ask out among other women and of course most importantly men because i know there are men out there who will not have a problem with my size and love me as I am and work and compromise with me on all issues. Who will hear me out and i will hear them out.

I didn't expect perfection but i expected someone willing to work on the rough spots. But in this case he makes all the rough spots seem like impossible mountains that only he can climb so i should just be quite.

I personally believe his past has affected him greatly. I guess that is why i kept excusing his actions. And maybe there are times I didnt want to hear him because I wasnt being hear and i felt put down.

I fell in love with the good things i saw and that happiness I had at certain times. usually in the beginning, then he would change, Then we would break up, and then it was the beginning again, then he would change, then we would break up. Now i am here again and i don't want to live my life being happy, then him changing and beginning to abuse me and then breaking up again. I don't want that cycle. Even though i love him very much. If he doesn't get therapy or counseling then i see no point. And maybe I am a fool and an idiot to think therapy or couples counseling can work. But it only can work if both people are willing to work at it. 

I have gotten to the point that I don't believe he would bother with it. He told me it is to much money. To me i wouldn't care if i had to save money if it would save the relationship. I guess yes I am stupid. When i start to believe in someone it is hard for me to stop. 

I cant say he is bad but there is something not right and i believe he does want control. He never had control in his life. He never had a stable life. And he does try to be nice to me only it is with regret, He doesn't do for me with love, he does for me with animosity. I don't see why he would choose me if he didn't want someone like me.

I guess he wants all the benefits with none of the work that is what someone said to me. In that case why don't you just hire someone to do the other things that you don't like to do. But of course that takes money right? Keeping a stable job would be that requirement. Spending money also would be required. But i am sure he would pick on me for something else.

I think because I am very straight forward and only speak when i know what i am talking about he doesn't like that. He calls me a know it all. Of course I don't know it all but i can have an opinion and opinions don't have to be wrong or right. 

It just comes down to peace and joy. I believe somewhere out there I can find it because it is not here. I want to wake up in the morning with some form of happiness. I want to feel like i can smile. I want to see something beautiful. I used to see those things in him. Now I don't see anything because i try not to look at him it is just to sad, looking at his back is easier, just to remember a time when he didn't hate me, to remember a smile when he looked at me. He doesn't look at me and i have become used to being background noise in this home.

It is time to go. I cant continue to be background noise. Constantly put to the side for something else.


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## Ernest Nagel (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui,

I'm glad you're finding some resolution, no matter how painful it may be in the near term. As a lifelong SSA I absolutely agree with everything Dave said but I also want to emphasize that all relationships require compromises. Sooner or later SSBBW are probably going to have some mobility/travel issues. That's a given. Any FA with half a brain understands that going in. Dealing with those issues is a choice most of us make without hesitation. That doesn't mean there won't be an occasional upset or breakdown. What matters is that we know you're more than worth whatever adjustments need to be made. 

I like to think of it as a bit like choosing a sailboat over a powerboat. Sailboats require more attention; sometimes a lot more. You can't always go where you want to when you want to. It can take years to become really proficient with one and even then there's always more to learn. Still, the joy of a full sail, the freedom and tranquility, the partnership you develop with a sailboat isn't something that's ever likely to happen with a powerboat.

Making accommodations and concessions for one another is a big piece of what any marriage is about. You declare that there's something so valuable and important about someone to you that nothing else matters. You agree to cherish them, no matter what. Not everyone is capable of that level of commitment. Sometimes it takes awhile to find someone who will reciprocate that devotion. When you do it will be worth the wait. That's what I'm counting on for myself, anyway. Happy sailing!


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## jewels_mystery (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> I know the answer, I guess i wanted to ask out among other women and of course most importantly men because i know there are men out there who will not have a problem with my size and love me as I am and work and compromise with me on all issues. Who will hear me out and i will hear them out.
> 
> I didn't expect perfection but i expected someone willing to work on the rough spots. But in this case he makes all the rough spots seem like impossible mountains that only he can climb so i should just be quite.
> 
> ...



hugs. If you need to talk im me. I ended my last relationship due to the same reasons. It was very painful to say the least. I had to decide who I loved more, myself or him. I won. lol


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## MarkZ (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui,

The beautiful, radiant woman, that I met in Vegas, deserves to be happy. A quick example of compromise in my marriage. My wife Michelle, and I went to Red Rock Canyon to do some sightseeing. We had a great time, and took some really cool pics. Then I decided I wanted to try a 5 mile hike within the park to Ice Box Canyon. She said she wanted to try, but I knew it was beyond her ability. She was game, and soon ran out of steam. She knew how important it was for me to make the hike. We talked, I asked if she wanted me to go back to the car with her. She said no, you go, it's a nice cool morning, I have food and water, and a store is only 10 minutes away.
Reluctantly, I went on. The hike was very hard, with huge boulders, heavy brush, crossing a stream, and steep grades often. I'm 52 years old, and about 245lbs. Even though I lift weights and ride a bicycle, this was like a marathon!!!

5 hours later after I returned, Michelle was standing at the beginning of the trail, crying. We could not talk, because the mountains prevented the cell phones from working. We were both worried about each other the whole time. This is what true love is like. Nov 8 will be 22 years, I so wish you this kind of love.

Mark Z.


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## Observer (Sep 3, 2008)

Sorry to have missed this thread yesterday, but I concur 100% in what has been said. 

You may have filled some part of this guy's deeper needs and shown him love but he doesn't have a clue of what it means to be loving in return. 

Its time to cut your losses - the faster the better. And in your heart you already knew that or you wouldn't have shared all this in public. 

I hope you find the strength to do it quickly and the wisdom to do it as efficiently as possible.


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## T_Devil (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> It is time to go. I cant continue to be background noise. Constantly put to the side for something else.



So then choose.
Stay with him and continue the same pattern.
or
End it once and for all. Tell him it's over and he is not to talk to you, call you, email you or communicate with you in any way. He is not to have contact with you and that it is in both of your best interests to go your separate ways.

It's a difficult decision, but only one will give you a chance to be free of what you're going through now. Can you take another day of this? Another week or year? Is it better to be alone than to be constantly degraded by someone who's supposed to appreciate you?

I've been married 8 years and have never spoken to my wife the way your guy speaks to you. I have more respect for my wife than that. The way he treats you, imagine what kind of hell a marriage would be. I'm sure you have. Marriage IS constant work on a relationship.... because there is NO GOING BACK.

My suggestion is to get as far away from him as possible, Even if it means you move. This may not end well, but it needs to end. But the choice is ultimately yours.

May your decision bring you tranquility.


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## Raqui (Sep 3, 2008)

MarkZ said:


> Raqui,
> 
> The beautiful, radiant woman, that I met in Vegas, deserves to be happy. A quick example of compromise in my marriage. My wife Michelle, and I went to Red Rock Canyon to do some sightseeing. We had a great time, and took some really cool pics. Then I decided I wanted to try a 5 mile hike within the park to Ice Box Canyon. She said she wanted to try, but I knew it was beyond her ability. She was game, and soon ran out of steam. She knew how important it was for me to make the hike. We talked, I asked if she wanted me to go back to the car with her. She said no, you go, it's a nice cool morning, I have food and water, and a store is only 10 minutes away.
> Reluctantly, I went on. The hike was very hard, with huge boulders, heavy brush, crossing a stream, and steep grades often. I'm 52 years old, and about 245lbs. Even though I lift weights and ride a bicycle, this was like a marathon!!!
> ...



I would be lucky to have that type of love. You are both blessed. The closest I came to that was with my husband he died 7 years ago. I dont expect anyone to replace him that is impossible.

I believe that another nitch was set up in my heart for a wonderful person. I thought i found it. I was wrong.

You are both so lucky you give me hope. I know somewhere out there someone is waiting for me. I hope i am fortune enough to find him like you have found each other.


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## johnnny2005 (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui..i am so sorry to see you go through this situation...its not easy...i broke up with me GF last may and its hard...but as they say for every dark night there is a bright day ahead..i will say a prayer that god will guide you though this,i think your a good person and think you deserve only the best of men,all the best,John in ireland.


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## Ernest Nagel (Sep 3, 2008)

Re abusive or toxic relationships, this seems like a pretty good resource site, even though their user interface is a little clunky. Love the name. I got this from a colleague I never realized was in an abusive relationship.

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

I'm sure there must be many other support groups and services? Anybody know of some other good ones? Especially one with an understanding of BBW or SS issues would be great. No one should have to tolerate being treated like they have no other choice.


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## Flyin Lilac (Sep 3, 2008)

You are neither a "fool" or an "idiot." You're a beautiful human being who deserves to be treated as such, and you will be again. No one can replace your beloved husband, but you CAN find someone who will make you far happier and more content than you are now.

Be the Queen Raqui everyone knows and loves --- wave your scepter and banish this guy from your kingdom.


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## LillyBBBW (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Being a SSBBW in a relationship going down the tubes I have serious thoughts and questions that I want some views on.
> 
> Many people think of abuse as a hit or punch. Though many times words hurt you much more than anything else. If i wasn't a strong woman with a lot of confidence words like the ones my Fiance (truthfully I don't know what we are anymore) said might have destroyed me. When I think about a woman who is not like myself hearing words such as these I realize it could break the very foundation of there feelings about themselves. Under no condition should someone be verbally abused and his words spoken to me ring true with Verbal Abuse.
> 
> ...



Raqui I haven't read all the replies, but I smell some jealousy in there. You are, hands down, an extremely beautiful woman. You are ambitious, intelligent, resourceful, outspoken, well liked, you've made a name for yourself, etc. It seems the stuff he's spouting off is the kind of thing a person would say to someone whom they believe has gotten too big for their britches. Rather than trying to examine himself or cultivating the desire to grow as an individual he prefers to bring you down a peg. Fear you will leave him? Fear that you'll grow too far beyond him and he won't be able to reach you anymore? If he's been in a slump lately in career, family or personal matters this may be what's fueling his reaction. Be that as it may, no one should have to put up with that kind of abuse. You've done nothing to deserve it.

I may be way off on this. I don't know you two very well. I've seen things like that happen though where one partner responds by lashing out with demeaning verbal abuse. What they don't realize is that this behavior is its own self fullfilling prophecy. His fear of losing you will ultimately result in loss. You can have it out and try to save things but be prepared to leave if it doesn't work out. You don't want to be with someone who thinks it's okay to solve all of his problems with violence or verbal abuse. If you survive this bout what about the next one? History will repeat if he's unwilling to learn or grow from this.


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## Raqui (Sep 3, 2008)

LillyBBBW said:


> History will repeat if he's unwilling to learn or grow from this.



I agree history keeps repeating, How long are you supposed to wait to see growth. 

You cant spend your lifetime waiting.


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## altered states (Sep 3, 2008)

I've seen your site and some of the other projects you've been involved with and you are an amazing person and deserve better. This guy is a boy, not a man, pure and simple. He may think he loves you, but there's a side of him that clearly resents you and he has to fix his own head before he'll be ready to be a good partner to any woman.


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## vardon_grip (Sep 3, 2008)

To answer the question of verbal abuse...
Absolutely yes and it needs to stop.

I would be hesitant to chuck a relationship out the door without discussion and counseling. You loved each other enough to get engaged, maybe you could let that love sustain you through this hard time.

I know that no relationship is exactly equal. For every kiss, gift that you give and household chore that you do there isn't an exact return from your partner. 
That said...we sometimes wish it were so. Being a partner to someone of size isn't an easy task if we think that things should be exactly equal. 

There is a great deal of anger in your partner's words. I hear a lot of frustration and fear expressed. I feel there is much sadness and hurt on your part and you have my sympathy.

Your man may be frustrated because he feels that he can't do all the things he wants to do WITH you. He may also not want to see you in pain. It is strange logic to get angry when the one you love is in pain, but weakness in this concept is frightening. He could be afraid that he won't be able to take care of you and it would be easier if you were more able. All this fear and frustration spew out of him in the manner that you described. It is not good to yell and put down and withhold love because of that anger, but there are deeper reasons sometimes.

Some may say that he should fix his shit, but in a relationship there isn't his or her shit, it is YOUR shit. Problems effect both of you. Compromise in a partnership is important, but if that "compromise" only goes one way then it isn't much of one. Obviously there is too much going on to sum it all up in a post. Maybe you two can work it out with the help of a professional and you can find a way to stay together and both be happy. Good luck!


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## Raqui (Sep 3, 2008)

vardon_grip said:


> Some may say that he should fix his shit, but in a relationship there isn't his or her shit, it is YOUR shit. Problems effect both of you. Compromise in a partnership is important, but if that "compromise" only goes one way then it isn't much of one. Obviously there is too much going on to sum it all up in a post. Maybe you two can work it out with the help of a professional and you can find a way to stay together and both be happy. Good luck!



That is what i have been striving for. I don't quit at anything I do. I especially don't quit on people. But i cant do it alone and I feel alone many times. I cant work on this alone and I cant do it alone. I feel very alone in this and when i try to bridge the gap he makes it bigger. I don't know anymore.

All i know is that I have to find some peace of mind. Where I am not sure but I have to because like i said before it is not here.


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## squurp (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Being a SSBBW in a relationship going down the tubes I have serious thoughts and questions that I want some views on.
> 
> Many people think of abuse as a hit or punch. Though many times words hurt you much more than anything else. If i wasn't a strong woman with a lot of confidence words like the ones my Fiance (truthfully I don't know what we are anymore) said might have destroyed me. When I think about a woman who is not like myself hearing words such as these I realize it could break the very foundation of there feelings about themselves. Under no condition should someone be verbally abused and his words spoken to me ring true with Verbal Abuse.
> 
> ...



Well, I don't know if it is "verbal abuse", as he is not specifically assassinating your character or whatever. However, these statements are clearly made out of a lack of respect at minimum, perhaps with a desire to control you in a way that would make any future relationship unbalanced. I'd say, get out, and get out fast. A person should not be able to speak to you in that way without appropriate consequences. Once you've severed ties, you can then come to a discussion equally, on equal footing, and maybe then you can discuss the issues you may have in depth and perhaps reconcile. I don't feel confident that a person of this mindset can allow a balanced negotation of your issues while IN the relationship. Just my opinion.


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## squurp (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> I agree history keeps repeating, How long are you supposed to wait to see growth.
> 
> You cant spend your lifetime waiting.



As an educator - growth happens in response to sanctions or consequences, and rewards. No consequences, no rewards, no growth. In order for this man to change, there must be some result from his actions/comments.


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## wrestlingguy (Sep 3, 2008)

Raqui said:


> But i cant do it alone and I feel alone many times. I cant work on this alone and I cant do it alone. I feel very alone in this and when i try to bridge the gap he makes it bigger. I don't know anymore



Honey, I know you don't see it right now, but you are already alone, based on the dynamics of this relationship. That being said, you have nothing to lose by breaking the ties.

I agree with TDevil. Break up with him, and tell him never to have any contact with you again. I've had to do that with others in my past. Years later I can say that I'm happy they are in my past, and not part of my present.

I wish you peace.


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## Victim (Sep 3, 2008)

This one is a money pit. It is going to take WAY too much in maintenance fees and it is just going to break down again when you hit the next pothole anyway. You might have gotten some good mileage in the past, but it is just going to cost you WAY too much and you'll get nothing in return. Abandon it on the side of the road and find invest in a more dependable model.


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## mossystate (Sep 3, 2008)

It sure as hell is emotional abuse.

Don't know you...don't know him. From the bit you have shared here, he sounds like a weasel...sorry. The headspinning, balance tipping things he does to you come from a very insecure and immature person. 


He is really...really...messed up and sounds like he has a fair number of demons in his closet.

There is nothing you can do to make the relationship work, because none of the ' things ' you might do will matter. If you did not sit to make dinner... would not matter. If you did cartwheels in Vegas... would not matter. If you jogged in place while cleaning a toilet he finds is SO beneath him ( speaks volumes how he views YOU ) to clean..would not matter. You could weigh 150 pounds....would not matter. There would always be other shit he would zero in on. That's what an emotionally abusive person does in a relationship.


But...oh...yeah......when he hears any words from you that are more than maybe superficial patting of your own back..well, he has to scurry to find what he thinks is gonna be the killer....." who would want you ". No, buddy....who would want YOU the way you are.


There is no way this kind of thing can change with you two together. Yeah, we are just people on the internet, but, since you asked, and since you seem like a pretty straightforward person, that's my take on it. No amount of love...understanding...pity. The only way would be if he saw what he does and ran...not walked...to a male therapist who deals with men who are abusive to their partners, and who accepts no bullshit. I mean the kind of man who would make him cry, as he reaches down into the guys guts and holds a mirror in front of what he finds.



While what he does to you is all on him......what you do to yourself is on you ( same for any of us..women or men ). Why we gravitate towards some people. What we are needing at the time, or needing all along, and run to what we think is a bright light. How long we stay in situations that we know are no good. 

Your posting this was to get advice....but it is also a good thing for any of us to read and ask ourselves why we might accept what we do...whether in relationships ( love, or, otherwise ) or wherever in our lives we might struggle.......and to at some point, also look at ourselves.



Raqui.....you already know...


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## MissStacie (Sep 3, 2008)

Hello darling,

I WAS you. I LIVED that life for 8 years too long. I was married to an out and proud FA, but when it got difficult, he was no longer out and proud. Never did I question his love, but I did question his respect for me and my size. The put downs, the comments, the sighs when I took too long. The walking 15 steps ahead of me because he COULD. The blaming me when we couldn't "do things together" because I simply couldn't walk all the stairs in Niagara Falls. The ruined trips to the parties, bashes, etc because of the "attention" that I got, where I made him "look like a fool". I could go on, but won't.

Raqui, you are a smart, beautiful, articulate, caring woman. When someone batters your PERSON, your SOUL, it is wrong. Someone who attacks you and makes you FEEL like less than what you are, is wrong. I understand that you are not perfect, hell, I certainly wasn't the model wife, either, but the emotional/verbal/psychological abuse is just as bad, if not moreso than physical abuse ever could be. You can recover from physical bruises, the emotional scars last a lifetime if you stay and take it.

To get out of a relationship like this is not the easiest thing because you love him. There might be other factors, too, and it is never, EVER easy. I put it off for a long time because I thought he would change. I thought *I* could change to make him happy. I thought if I were better, he would be better. The only thing that happened is that I lost MYSELF. You lose yourself because you are so damn busy trying to be what HE WANTS YOU TO BE, that you forget who you ARE. Its almost been a year for me(November) and I'm just NOW starting to breathe easy and enjoy myself, ME, Stacie, and get back to liking myself and who I am.

You are your own woman, and you already know the answer to your question. Love is a powerful emotion, but even love won't fix someone who is hell bent on making himself feel better by tearing you apart every chance he can.

Hugs and all the luck and love in the world,


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## olwen (Sep 4, 2008)

Raqui said:


> Being a SSBBW in a relationship going down the tubes I have serious thoughts and questions that I want some views on.
> 
> Many people think of abuse as a hit or punch. Though many times words hurt you much more than anything else. If i wasn't a strong woman with a lot of confidence words like the ones my Fiance (truthfully I don't know what we are anymore) said might have destroyed me. When I think about a woman who is not like myself hearing words such as these I realize it could break the very foundation of there feelings about themselves. Under no condition should someone be verbally abused and his words spoken to me ring true with Verbal Abuse.
> 
> ...



Raqui, verbal abuse is still abuse. I've been thru similar arguments with so called friends. I just got sick of having the same argument over and over. I got sick of reminding them that if they wanted to hang with me they were gonna have to accommodate me and I eventually had to cut them loose.

The friends I've kept are the ones who were patient and understanding about that. After I lost weight and I was able to move faster and I hung out with someone who is now the size I used to be, I was able to really see the speed at which I used to move and it was a bit of an eye opener. I knew I was slow, but I didn't realize I was that slow. I then talked about it to one of my thin friends, one of the ones who stuck around, and he said - and I'll never forget it: "Yeah you were really slow, but you know it was okay. You were the only person I haven't dated who I could actually go on strolls with. And you're good company." That just made my day and I thanked him for sticking by me. If a friend can do that then a fiance certainly should be able to.

You are a strong confident smart woman and he should be proud to support you. Demand nothing less. He just isn't strong enough or man enough to be with you. I'd say going someplace else and leaving him is the right thing to do. Your own sanity and well being is worth more than his pitiful behavior.


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## Clariposita22 (Sep 4, 2008)

Raqui,
You also must think about your daughter. This man may or may not be saying these mean things to you in front of her, but you dont want her to think this behavior is acceptable. She has to see how sad you are.... It sucks big time but you have to make up your mind.............. it will hurt and be difficult but things happen for a reason and i am sure a good PAPI is out there for you!


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## Uber (Sep 5, 2008)

Seeing the the person being talked about is Me. I'll say a couple of things. It is very easy to reply to a post based on what a person typed. People often reply without even knowing the entire situation. When a relationship does not work out, usually the guy in the relationship is labeled the bad guy or the one that make it fail in the first place. Im not going to sit hear and talk in hopes on making me look better. Because it will be hopeless. Since Raqui has a following and fans. Whatever i say will be Null and Void. Everybody wants to reply saying that im this and im that without asking any questions about anything. But women in general ( Take it however you want to ). Men as well. Many things I may have said have been taken way out of proportion. I am not perfect in any way. I may not have had the perfect upbringing. But who has?. Anyone who tell you they did. They're lying. But one ever ask about the other side of the story. And thats fine. I can care less of what anybody thinks of me. Being in control of my life or been in control of my life is irrelevant. Me controlling anybody or Raqui in this matter would not be beneficial to me non what so ever. So Control is not the issue. It has never been. She could do anything she want. I've never stopped her. 

I've been there, Done things for her and all of that. I've changed or slowed down my lifestyle just to cater to hers. Maybe I though that I would be okay with that. Sometimes I think Im not. Maybe im not that guy she is looking for since we are going through all of these issues. 

Knowing someone through the internet and living with them are too completely different experiences. So all of you would not know what it is like living with someone. Other then knowing someone over the web. Why do you think celebrity couples also fail. Were no different.

2 People can be compatible or cannot be. Thats human nature. But no one understands that. They hear a story and everybody jumps. People want to send me hate-mail. Keep 'em coming. Ill be waiting for more of them. 

From all of the replies so far. I guess the decision has been made already. You don't need me to say the words. You have to do whats best for you. And what the people think is best for you.


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## Raqui (Sep 5, 2008)

Yes that is true, Living with someone is different. And no one thinks living with a SSBBW is easy. But when you receive all the love and dedication through everything. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.

You just don't hurt them in certain ways. I would have never done that to you. And you know what I never will. And I also work everyday as hard as I can to change and do better to tell myself positive things even when i didn't receive a positive response back.

Yes I have many faults and i am not near perfect but at least I can say that and then work everyday on that. 

The question is WHERE IS THE WORK!

One cant do it alone, And if you make someone feel like they are alone and then leave them alone there is no better proof of how alone they really are.

Have you been hurt HELL YEAH, have I been Hurt HELL YEAH. But he diffrence is I have taken responsibility for what I have done and then worked hard continuously day after day and year after year to be better and better for WHO a better woman for YOU!

I am waiting to see the day that you will do the same instead of spouting hurtful words. Instead of using excuses such as I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY. Instead of rolling the eyes, ignoring the love and refusing to give when all i have ever wanted was your love.

Remember the promises you break daily, Remember the promises you refused to bring about. Remember the hurt i cried to you about and the responce was ignoring me or telling me to bad.

Are you a bad person no but your not a mature person you told me that we would work together to build that life and you would change. If you were bad i wouldn't love you as much as I do. If you would have kept a promise so necessary we wouldn't be here. 

This is you and your responsibility accept it. Because I have already accepted mine. Losing my love is all on you, If you lose it completely. That is in your ball park and your game. you struck out. No one else just you.

And I suffered because of it.


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## mossystate (Sep 5, 2008)

Yup. People can find that they are not able/willing to be in the kind of relationship with someone that they thought. I think the difference between someone who can be respected, and one who won't be....is how they exit....how much damage they do as they figure things out. Oh, and, I don't know either of you, so just speaking in general terms.


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## wrestlingguy (Sep 5, 2008)

Uber said:


> Seeing the the person being talked about is Me. I'll say a couple of things. It is very easy to reply to a post based on what a person typed. People often reply without even knowing the entire situation. When a relationship does not work out, usually the guy in the relationship is labeled the bad guy or the one that make it fail in the first place. Im not going to sit hear and talk in hopes on making me look better. Because it will be hopeless. Since Raqui has a following and fans. Whatever i say will be Null and Void. Everybody wants to reply saying that im this and im that without asking any questions about anything. But women in general ( Take it however you want to ). Men as well. Many things I may have said have been taken way out of proportion. I am not perfect in any way. I may not have had the perfect upbringing. But who has?. Anyone who tell you they did. They're lying. But one ever ask about the other side of the story. And thats fine. I can care less of what anybody thinks of me. Being in control of my life or been in control of my life is irrelevant. Me controlling anybody or Raqui in this matter would not be beneficial to me non what so ever. So Control is not the issue. It has never been. She could do anything she want. I've never stopped her.


Hold on, bro. Let me ask you a question. If a guy runs up to me, and he has blood coming out of his chest, and points back to another guy who's holding a knife, do I need to ask any questions before I decide what to do? People heard her emotional bleeding, and she pointed to you, and they decided. It's not a lynch mob, Uber, it's people looking after a friend.

I do believe that the issue is not control, but I'm not a psychologist, so I can only guess to the real reason you guys are where you are today. Raqui is successful in her business endeavors, so I assume you haven't held her back at least in her work life.



> I've been there, Done things for her and all of that. I've changed or slowed down my lifestyle just to cater to hers. Maybe I though that I would be okay with that. Sometimes I think Im not. Maybe im not that guy she is looking for since we are going through all of these issues.



I think every guy who has been with a big girl questions themselves. I know I've changed my lifestyle in the past 7 years. I've slowed things up a bit, to my wife's benefit. Yeah, there are times when I unknowingly start to walk ahead of her at the mall, but a gentle reminder from her slows me down. We're guys, we tend to not think about that stuff, so I have to try extra hard, and my reward is to get to live with (and love) a very sexy, loving SSBBW. It's work, but the rewards are great (Can I ask you what YOUR expectations were in this relationship?)



> Knowing someone through the internet and living with them are too completely different experiences. So all of you would not know what it is like living with someone. Other then knowing someone over the web. Why do you think celebrity couples also fail. Were no different.
> 
> 2 People can be compatible or cannot be. Thats human nature. But no one understands that. They hear a story and everybody jumps. People want to send me hate-mail. Keep 'em coming. Ill be waiting for more of them.



I agree that 2 people are either compatible or not. That being said, there's no reason to verbally abuse someone that you supposedly love. In my younger days I was verbally abusive to my first wife......I felt I had my reasons, but when we finally split up, and I went to bed alone every night, and it was just me and God, I realized what a prick I was, and that I'd either have to change, or I'd be spending a lot of time in my bed alone.
I went to therapy, and prayed hard (just like a little Hulkster), and while I'm not perfect, I strive to improve.



> From all of the replies so far. I guess the decision has been made already. You don't need me to say the words. You have to do whats best for you. And what the people think is best for you.



Uber, Raqui just used this forum to get the support she needed for a decision I think she had already made. I don't like to see anyone break up, as both people have hurt in some way. I've been on both the giving and receiving end, and both suck.

I hope no one sends you hate mail. I hope, however, that you try to move past this by going to counseling. This is an issue of respect, not a fat issue. I think you need to work that out, otherwise, you'll be facing spending many nights alone, just like I did years ago.


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## Uber (Sep 5, 2008)

mossystate said:


> Yup. People can find that they are not able/willing to be in the kind of relationship with someone that they thought. I think the difference between someone who can be respected, and one who won't be....is how they exit....how much damage they do as they figure things out. Oh, and, I don't know either of you, so just speaking in general terms.


Many people often get into relationships without knowing whats going to happen. Ending a relationsiph is never easy. Or finding out that you cannot or arent willing to be in this kind is damaging I argee with that. It is always a gamble. Generally speaking (Finally). When you finally figure it out. Then you have to asset the situation and make a decision. Sometimes it takes longer than expected, sometimes it just comes.


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## No-No-Badkitty (Sep 5, 2008)

Uber said:


> Many people often get into relationships without knowing whats going to happen. Ending a relationsiph is never easy. Or finding out that you cannot or arent willing to be in this kind is damaging I argee with that. It is always a gamble. Generally speaking (Finally). When you finally figure it out. Then you have to asset the situation and make a decision. Sometimes it takes longer than expected, sometimes it just comes.



And sometimes people end it just because it's no longer easy. 
Real relationships are never easy. To truly BE with someone means doing it through the good, the bad, and the ugly, it means working things out, working together, working for each other and it means sacrifice. If a person isn't willing to sacrifice then they don't need to be in a relationship, period.


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## Uber (Sep 5, 2008)

wrestlingguy said:


> Hold on, bro. Let me ask you a question. If a guy runs up to me, and he has blood coming out of his chest, and points back to another guy who's holding a knife, do I need to ask any questions before I decide what to do? People heard her emotional bleeding, and she pointed to you, and they decided. It's not a lynch mob, Uber, it's people looking after a friend.
> 
> I do believe that the issue is not control, but I'm not a psychologist, so I can only guess to the real reason you guys are where you are today. Raqui is successful in her business endeavors, so I assume you haven't held her back at least in her work life.
> 
> ...


I never referred to her post as a lynch mob. I understood why she posted that. But it is still one sided. If I havent noticed this post. I would not be able say anything about it. 

To the verbal abuse. I feel I do not verbally abuse her. Im just realistic and everything I say. I do not say things to bring her down and I frequently say that. Im not dis-crediting anything that she said so far. But many of the things I said is being blown out of context. 

I understand the decision has been made on the matter and it should be the decision which is best for her. 

I already recieved a couple of lovely hate mail. Its hard to move past it when the situation is publisized in this manner. Especially since the subject is Verbal Abuse. Fat was never the issue. Although I may not be a true FA ( I never said I ever was ). 

Whether I spend my nights alone or not i will have to deal and adapt like I've always did and always will. I've learn to always adapt. Im sorry you had to go through what you went through. Im sure that it was a learning experience to better your life and learn from the mistakes.


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## Uber (Sep 5, 2008)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> And sometimes people end it just because it's no longer easy.
> Real relationships are never easy. To truly BE with someone means doing it through the good, the bad, and the ugly, it means working things out, working together, working for each other and it means sacrifice. If a person isn't willing to sacrifice then they don't need to be in a relationship, period.


Maybe your right. Maybe I do not fulfill the requirements to be in a relationship with her. Maybe im not willing to sacrifice, Maybe I do want to do what I want to do when I want. I may not be the guy that she requires. Some cases I argee with you.


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## Raqui (Sep 5, 2008)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> And sometimes people end it just because it's no longer easy.
> Real relationships are never easy. To truly BE with someone means doing it through the good, the bad, and the ugly, it means working things out, working together, working for each other and it means sacrifice. If a person isn't willing to sacrifice then they don't need to be in a relationship, period.



I can agree on that. One thing i pride myself on is never quit, especially when i believe in something never the less SOMEONE! But sooner or later if you dont see the same in return you take the words you used to say and say others.

Instead of saying, I LOVE THIS MAN AND I WILL DO WHATEVER I HAVE TO DO!

you say to yourself JUST QUIT JUST QUIT.

because you feel as though they already have. Because you feel as if you have no option and to save your Soul from insanity you must. To save your heart and mind from disaster you do. You begin to brain wash yourself with the words

JUST QUIT

I have asked do you want me to Quit let me know I will Just Quit.

If you dont tell me NO DONT QUIT ON ME! What do you think will happen

Silence will take over and the unanswered questions become sore in your throat. And you wonder and hurt and wonder and hurt. Until you realize that wondering and hurting is destroying you. 

That is when you feel like you have no choice but to save yourself.

And if your Prince doesn't come and claim the sword and fight for it all then what do you do, even if he has flaws and his horse is broken down and his armor is rusty if he doesn't take a stand then there is nothing you can do.


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## LJ Rock (Sep 5, 2008)

No-No-Badkitty said:


> And sometimes people end it just because it's no longer easy.
> Real relationships are never easy. To truly BE with someone means doing it through the good, the bad, and the ugly, it means working things out, working together, working for each other and it means sacrifice. If a person isn't willing to sacrifice then they don't need to be in a relationship, period.



This is absolutely correct. The vows we take when we marry someone say "for richer or poorer, through sickness and health, for better or for worse." All of that is true and very noble. However, sometimes.... it just ain't worth it, and it's best to know when to move on and get out while the getting is good. I know this because I speak from experience. 

I was on the receiving end of a verbally abusive relationship at one point, and it was very hard for me to break away. It got to a point where I felt so low about myself that I actually believed that she was the only person who would ever love me enough to put up with me, and that leaving her would mean living a life of eternal loneliness. I started to believe the hype; this is what happened to my mind as a result of battling self esteem issues and allowing myself to stay in an unhealthy, abusive or co-dependent relationship. No one is perfect, and I am no exception... but no one deserves to be treated that way by anyone, especially not someone who is supposedly "in love" with you. 

I eventually got to a point where I felt strong enough to walk away. It was what I had to do, and my life is all the better for it. I shudder to think what would have become of me if I had stayed in that situation. 

Anyone in such a situation has to first become aware and accept that there is in fact a problem, that it isn't a normal part of a relationship to constantly or repeatedly be made to feel like you are less than worthy, or that you aren't good enough or smart enough, or to be put down and discouraged in any kind of way. Loving someone means truly accepting and supporting them for who they are, not judging and belittling.... not _ever!_ 

Once that realization is made, then its up to you to figure out what you're going to do: stay and take it, try and make it work or leave and try to find happiness someplace else. The choice is always yours, and only you can decide. I think once a person is able to back away and asses the situation for what it really is, has themselves a _moment of clarity_.... I think the choice becomes pretty easy.


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## MissStacie (Sep 5, 2008)

Uber said:


> Seeing the the person being talked about is Me. I'll say a couple of things. It is very easy to reply to a post based on what a person typed. People often reply without even knowing the entire situation. When a relationship does not work out, usually the guy in the relationship is labeled the bad guy or the one that make it fail in the first place. Im not going to sit hear and talk in hopes on making me look better. Because it will be hopeless. Since Raqui has a following and fans. Whatever i say will be Null and Void. Everybody wants to reply saying that im this and im that without asking any questions about anything. But women in general ( Take it however you want to ). Men as well. Many things I may have said have been taken way out of proportion. I am not perfect in any way. I may not have had the perfect upbringing. But who has?. Anyone who tell you they did. They're lying. But one ever ask about the other side of the story. And thats fine. I can care less of what anybody thinks of me. Being in control of my life or been in control of my life is irrelevant. Me controlling anybody or Raqui in this matter would not be beneficial to me non what so ever. So Control is not the issue. It has never been. She could do anything she want. I've never stopped her.
> 
> I've been there, Done things for her and all of that. I've changed or slowed down my lifestyle just to cater to hers. Maybe I though that I would be okay with that. Sometimes I think Im not. Maybe im not that guy she is looking for since we are going through all of these issues.
> 
> ...



The only thing you've said here is that there are two sides, and you haven't said that what Raqui has said is incorrect, so why would we feel differently towards you?

You thought you would be ok with the way she lives. Ok, thats all well and good, but on those occasions where she "slows you down" or you have to make accommodations to suit her, instead of saying "babe....I'm just not comfortable with this, or This is not what I can do", you belittle her and make her feel awful about who she is. That is abuse, my friend, pure and simple.

I don't wish you ill will, but I think that you need to take a good hard look at yourself before you find yourself in a spiral of abusive relationships simply because you don't know how to communicate.

Stacie


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## fatgirlflyin (Sep 5, 2008)

to say "I love you, but I love myself more."

Nothing wrong with that if that's the point you are at in your relationship. 

I have to ask though, and this is really directed at both of you, is there any hope for reconcile? Because if there is, this whole back and forth thing that the two of you have going here isn't going to do anything but put more stress and strain on a relationship that appears to be pretty strained already.

Just some food for thought...


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## Dr. P Marshall (Sep 5, 2008)

LJ Rock said:


> This is absolutely correct. The vows we take when we marry someone say "for richer or poorer, through sickness and health, for better or for worse." All of that is true and very noble. However, sometimes.... it just ain't worth it, and it's best to know when to move on and get out while the getting is good. I know this because I speak from experience.
> 
> I was on the receiving end of a verbally abusive relationship at one point, and it was very hard for me to break away. It got to a point where I felt so low about myself that I actually believed that she was the only person who would ever love me enough to put up with me, and that leaving her would mean living a life of eternal loneliness. I started to believe the hype; this is what happened to my mind as a result of battling self esteem issues and allowing myself to stay in an unhealthy, abusive or co-dependent relationship. No one is perfect, and I am no exception... but no one deserves to be treated that way by anyone, especially not someone who is supposedly "in love" with you.
> 
> ...



You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to LJ Rock again.

:bow:


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## Raqui (Sep 5, 2008)

Ella Bella said:


> to say "I love you, but I love myself more."
> 
> Nothing wrong with that if that's the point you are at in your relationship.
> 
> ...




That is true and you know what I don't know. Because for any relationship key words are WORK and COMMUNICATION. I never have a problem with these. Even the word COMPRISE is a hard thing in this relationship. Not on my side i will try my best and if i am not comfortable with something i am trying me best at it and hopefully will get better.

The point is maybe i shouldn't have brought it to the boards but at the time i was searching for something. Many come here for advice and that is what i wanted a clearer picture from many views especially the men who may have gone through these situations and yes i got many men who admitted to having gone through these emotions or doing similar actions. Though all of them have lost there wives/girlfriends or had to make BIG CHANGES to advance themselves to the next level. I also hear many men say that they never took it to a level in which size was mentioned or mobility.

Many of the responses i will say they all fit my circumstances and i took what i could from them and gave the rest back to the unknown. I thank you all for your support. That you would try to help me understand something in which i was confused and didn't have anyone who understood me and what life is like for a SSBBW woman. That many of you would be so open and honest even sharing your pain though yours is not identical in all ways to my own. I had no one to talk to and not even the person who is supposed to be there. And i brought it here to a place i felt was safe and would have so many that may have experiences that can help me think clearer. 

Especially the men, in trying to understand men who love big women better i wanted and needed to hear you. Thank you for those who were so open to tell me about your own past and your own difficulties. To help me understand.

I personally thought this was the best thing for me and no i wasn't trying to get attention and no i wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I wanted feedback real feedback and I knew this was a way a place with people who are open and i felt i would gain some insight. People who may or may not know me and who wouldn't be so on my side like some close family members and friends maybe. Those who understood my life and who would give me open views.

Thank you everyone


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## QuantumXL (Sep 6, 2008)

Well, let me give you from a man's point of view that has actually KIND of understands his point of view (Funny isn't it). I have ran situations like this through my head Even before i got with my Fiance many times. (Or even introduced myself). I guess the feeling of individualized out of a crowd sort of makes it hard. But he should have taken that into account when he decided to get involved with a 600+lbs woman. No matter what that man should appreciate you. Hell i gotta clean the bathroom and i appreciate my fiance very much so. The scooter thing, Eh i really don't know about this, but i do understand during a vegas bash (That place is FAR and big!) But there are many situations for this so i rather not name the 100 different situations. That is actually very hurtful that he would bring up that accomodation line, and if he really did love you (As a fiance) he would have never said that. I know sometimes words do slip in the heat of the moment, and i can understand one slip every now and then, but the fact that he acts differently in front of a crowd kind of makes it a suspicious situation. Im not trying to be maury or Jerry Springer here, but im just being realistic. Good luck. Lataz


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## Ernest Nagel (Sep 6, 2008)

Uber said:


> Seeing the the person being talked about is Me. I'll say a couple of things. It is very easy to reply to a post based on what a person typed. People often reply without even knowing the entire situation. When a relationship does not work out, usually the guy in the relationship is labeled the bad guy or the one that make it fail in the first place. Im not going to sit hear and talk in hopes on making me look better. Because it will be hopeless. Since Raqui has a following and fans. Whatever i say will be Null and Void. Everybody wants to reply saying that im this and im that without asking any questions about anything. But women in general ( Take it however you want to ). Men as well. Many things I may have said have been taken way out of proportion. I am not perfect in any way. I may not have had the perfect upbringing. But who has?. Anyone who tell you they did. They're lying. But one ever ask about the other side of the story. And thats fine. I can care less of what anybody thinks of me. Being in control of my life or been in control of my life is irrelevant. Me controlling anybody or Raqui in this matter would not be beneficial to me non what so ever. So Control is not the issue. It has never been. She could do anything she want. I've never stopped her.
> 
> I've been there, Done things for her and all of that. I've changed or slowed down my lifestyle just to cater to hers. Maybe I though that I would be okay with that. Sometimes I think Im not. Maybe im not that guy she is looking for since we are going through all of these issues.
> 
> ...



Schmuck. Own your expectations or get over them. Quit blaming her. Just sayin'. :bow:


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## Raqui (Sep 6, 2008)

Uber said:


> I never referred to her post as a lynch mob. I understood why she posted that. But it is still one sided. If I havent noticed this post. I would not be able say anything about it.
> 
> To the verbal abuse. I feel I do not verbally abuse her. Im just realistic and everything I say. I do not say things to bring her down and I frequently say that. Im not dis-crediting anything that she said so far. But many of the things I said is being blown out of context.
> 
> ...




Please make the subject correct. it was IS THIS VERBAL ABUSE? That is a question not a statement.

If you were sorry, you would say it with actual words. You talk about decisions yet you haven't talked to me in over a week. You made the decision don't put this on me. When you decided to walk out yet again and cut off all contact. Funny how the only reason you even contacted me was for this post because your mad about it.

You haven't once contacted me to speak about issues, problems, to even ask me how i was doing. Except one email conversation in which i told you how disrespected i felt and still no action was taken on that. I guess my feelings of being disrespected and hurt were not enough to make you actually take the phone and call and say something to me... anything.

What are you really mad about, that you made your self so unavailable that i decided to find another resource to hopefully make some sense of it? In reality to understand you and why in the world you would say such things. How are your words blown out of proportion. They are your words and what comes from your mouth. And when i ask you why you would say such things you never said I am sorry or you didn't mean it you just repeated it or came out with something equally nasty. maybe you should actually explain it to me. Since what you say is not actually what you mean. But that actually might take a phone call or a face to face conversation. And how willing are you to do that.


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## BigBeautifulMe (Sep 6, 2008)

Uber,

You can argue about relationships and how they're not easy all you like. The fact remains that you have NOT said "I didn't say what she said I did." I don't care what context it was in - I don't care if it was f'ing OPPPOSITE DAY and everyone knew you meant the opposite of what you said - the fact remains that it is NEVER, EVER okay to say to the person you love the things you have said to Raqui. What you said was abusive. Period. It's that simple.


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## Sandie S-R (Sep 6, 2008)

Closing this thread for now. It mayor may not be reopened.


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