# Fat Adult Children of Alcoholics



## Fascinita (Oct 31, 2008)

Everyone,

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA, in recovery parlance) and a fat woman.

I was thinking tonight about how my being fat relates to my being an ACoA. I can't say for sure that the first is directly related to the second, but I do know that I first started to gain weight when my father started drinking and my family began to disintegrate slowly.

Now, I don't pathologize my fat. And I love my body. But I do notice that some of the issues that come with being fat for me--what I perceive in my life as a relative lack of opportunities for emotional intimacy and romance, for instance--do seem to be exacerbated by the baggage of being an ACoA. I find it hard to trust and that seems to make it even more difficult to find emotional connections.

I was wondering whether anyone can relate to any of this, and what your thoughts are. Let's have a conversation.

Thanks.


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## steely (Nov 1, 2008)

I am also an adult child of an alcoholic.I also have major issues with control and intimacy.I eat my emotions.We were never allowed to express any emotions,negative or positive.You never knew what reaction you would get.
We were taught very early not to express anything.I have 5 brothers and sisters and we have such a dysfunctional relationship.We never banded together,we all had to fight just to survive.I can't blame them,I know why.

I guess the aspect that I'd like to understand is,I know what's wrong why can't I stop it.I always thought once you knew what the problem was you could fix it.It hasn't been the case in my situation.

Being fat is a walk in the park compared to dealing with the issues of ACoA.


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## Fascinita (Nov 1, 2008)

steely said:


> I am also an adult child of an alcoholic.I also have major issues with control and intimacy.I eat my emotions.We were never allowed to express any emotions,negative or positive.You never knew what reaction you would get.
> We were taught very early not to express anything.I have 5 brothers and sisters and we have such a dysfunctional relationship.We never banded together,we all had to fight just to survive.I can't blame them,I know why.
> 
> I guess the aspect that I'd like to understand is,I know what's wrong why can't I stop it.I always thought once you knew what the problem was you could fix it.It hasn't been the case in my situation.
> ...



Hey, thanks for responding, steely.

I've had similar experiences, especially with expressing and voicing feelings. My family was entirely repressive--still is, to a large extent, even though our alcoholic has passed away.

I became the black sheep who always spoke her mind--the black sheep _because_ I spoke my mind. It so enrages them that I have always voiced what was not supposed to be voiced that I have been physically assaulted (or come close to it) a few times by members of my family, always at times when I insisted on speaking the truth the way I saw it.

I'll leave it at that for now.  I hope to have more to say later, especially about fat together with ACoA. And yes, sometimes I do think being fat is a cakewalk next to being ACoA.

So glad to have a chance to talk about this. Thanks again.


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## SpecialK (Nov 1, 2008)

I can relate here.

I grew up with an alcoholic father with a temper. While I begged my mother to leave him for years, she never would, always too afraid she wouldn't be able to make it as a single parent raising three kids.

And now, as an adult, I've never had a really long relationship because of my trust issues. I refuse to make the same mistakes as my mother, so I avoid emotional ties whatsoever. Even though it does make me quite lonely in the process.

I've always felt 'broken' and maybe some of you who have gone through similar situations can relate. And I told myself for years that once my father died, I'd seek counseling and get on with my life. Well, my father has been dead for 6 years now, and I still haven't done anything about my 'brokenness'. It, like my fat, is like a security blanket. I don't know where to begin to change, and being 'broken' seems to be just as much a part of who I am as my thunder thighs. *shrug* Even if the broken parts aren't always easy to see.

I wish I had something encouraging or uplifting to share.


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## bexy (Nov 1, 2008)

I am in the same boat, my father was and still is to my knowledge (we don't speak) a severe alcoholic.

Is it why I am fat? God knows. I had a pretty messed up childhood full stop. And most of the stuff that happened in it, counsellors have tried to blame for my being fat...much to my annoyance. 

Especially as I never present my being fat as any sort of "symptom" when I go to see counsellors or pyschs, they just bring it up.

But then I am also very tall, and have always been "bigger" than average even as a small child, so maybe this is just the way I was meant to be.

So is it nature, is it nurture (or lack of nurture as the case may be)?

I will probably never know. 
I don't mind that as I just don't feel the need to know why I am fat, I'm happy enough just being who I am.


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## Sandie_Zitkus (Nov 1, 2008)

Is it nature? Yes. Is it nurture? Yes.

My father was a rageaholic and a workaholic. My mother is a food addict. And addicted to drama.

My parents are German (F) and Italian (M)

I have the genes and my parents did the rest. I have no idea how I lucked into finding Wayne.


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## steely (Nov 1, 2008)

That's interesting Fascinata.We are non confrontational in the extreme.I will literally walk away before causing conflict.

SpecialK-It is a lonely life,even though I found a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally.Sometimes I feel a million miles from him.I know that it's childhood related.Lonely in a room of people.I think it gets easier as you get older.Damaged is the word I use to describe myself in relation to ACoA.

Bexy-I'm tall,too.5"11"I always knew that I was trying to compensate,though.

Sandie-Just be glad you found Wayne.I know have learned a different way of being from my husband.If only I could figure out how to be like that but then I wouldn't be me.I'm beginning to like most of me.


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## Fascinita (Nov 1, 2008)

It's smart to say, "I am what I am" (in terms of being fat) and to love ourselves as we are.

For me, being in a fat body is the cat's meow--I love the fullness and the softness and more. It wasn't always that way for me, but then I was stubborn enough to always resist being pegged this or that or told I couldn't do this or the other thing because I was fat, even when I felt awkward about being chubby.

There's no denying, though, that for me the experience of existing in the world as a fat person has been complicated. The world is hostile to fat bodies. That hostility is near constant and, even at my best, there are times when it does get me down. That is, not the "being fat" itself, but the hostility can make a fat person -- me -- feel embattled.

And so I was interested in comparing that sense of embattledness with the legacy of my ACoAness--the experience of growing up in an alcoholic home also having left me feeling embattled, though it's gotten much better for me over time. 

But that's not all I'd like to do in this thread. I'd like it to be a positive outlet and a way for us fat ACoAs to post personal stories as we feel comfortable, as well as to find echoes of our experiences in those of others, and so to maybe feel a little less isolated.

:bow:

Good points, everyone. I'm glad to see interest in this topic.


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## bexy (Nov 1, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> It's smart to say, "I am what I am" (in terms of being fat) and to love ourselves as we are.
> 
> For me, being fat is the cat's meow--wasn't always, but then I was stubborn enough to always resist being pegged this or that or told I couldn't do this or the other thing because I was fat, even when I felt awkward about being chubby.
> 
> ...



Could not agree more with this Fasc, thats exactly how I feel. I love being fat, I hate that its not easy a lot of the time.


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## cute_obese_girl (Nov 2, 2008)

steely said:


> I am also an adult child of an alcoholic.I also have major issues with control and intimacy.I eat my emotions.We were never allowed to express any emotions,negative or positive.You never knew what reaction you would get.



Oh man, I relate to that. I tried to say as little as possible to my dad because you never knew what reaction you would get. He would blow up at the slightest thing. Surprise, surprise after I moved out of the house I made a habit of speaking to him 3 times a year for years and not at all for 11 months now.

I couldn't talk to my mom about it whenever he did freak out on me without her considering me over-emotional. Now I realize that she was just doing her best to keep things on an even keel and adding anything else to that balance was too much for her.

I have no doubt that I would be fat even if my childhood was 1950s sitcom perfect. Maybe just less fat. I do realize that it has contributed to my food issues including an ED that went untreated for 15 years because as my mom said, it didn't look like I was starving myself.


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## steely (Nov 2, 2008)

You've described my Mom to a T.Just keep everybody happy.Don't rock the boat.There was a co-dependency element there and still is.I see my father often he is a different man than he was when we were young.I have too many mixed emotions there to even express.

My father often wonders why he has no relationship with any of his children.My other siblings rarely ever speak to my father.Something in me tells me if I don't figure out a way to move on this will eat me alive.

I often feel isolated with this because I don't talk to anyone about it,even my brothers ans sisters who grew up in it with me.We are not an expressive bunch.I have a hard time with any positive outlet for ACoC.

Fat,sure,I can find things about fat that are positive and sometimes not but that is the nature of all things.:happy:


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## Fascinita (Nov 2, 2008)

cute_obese_girl said:


> I couldn't talk to my mom about it whenever he did freak out on me without her considering me over-emotional.



This rings a bell with me. In my family, you had to bear everything in silence. No one spoke about anything. When I started to mouth off--very matter-of-factly--about the drinking and the awful behavior, it was like everyone ganged up on me to get me to shut up. My mother called me a monster. My dad would say that I was crazy and needed to be institutionalized. Worst of all, one of my siblings once drugged me by putting a sedative in my food. The other, younger sibling eventually felt guilty about having been in on it and confessed to me. When I asked why it had been done, I learned that it was "to get me to shut up because I was making things worse for everybody."

It saddened me to no end that my family treated me this way. Today I understand why my refusal to be silent was so threatening. Suffice to say that this is just one issue that has kept me more or less distant from my family over the years.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone manages to survive growing up like that, emotionally.


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## Smushygirl (Nov 2, 2008)

I too am a fat adult child of an alcoholic, my father. A lot of the stories here sound familiar.

I worked hard when I was younger to understand what being an ACoA meant and tried to work through my issues. I'm sure I have many more to work through as I am not where i want to be in my life right now.

((((Fasc)))) sorry you had to go through that with your siblings. For the most part, my siblings were supportive, even though we were all stunted in some way. My truth telling sister sees the truth completely differently from the rest of us. So her truth wasn't necessarily our truth, but now that my father is gone, we all work to stay united and supportive of one another. It ain't easy though.


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## D_A_Bunny (Nov 2, 2008)

Add me to the list. I am fat woman and an ACOA. My father who was the drinker also had an alcoholic father.

I am the last of six children. My parents were just at 40 when I was born. I was unexpected and my older siblings were not thrilled with an addition.

I was trained at a young age that "everything was fine". I knew how to put the right amount of ice cubes and blackberry brandy into the right glass. I knew how to crack ice and put beer cans into the mini cooler and fill it with ice so that my Dad could spend the afternoon tending his garden and enjoy his beer. It was all very "normal" for me.

It wasn't until I was a young adult and my best friends husband had a drinking problem that I became aware of the teachings of AA. In reading the books they gave her, I saw my family. When I mentioned it to my siblings they were like, so what?, nothing is going to change, leave it alone.

Then as my Dad got older and took ill, he could no longer drink. An alcoholic who is not drinking is not a very pleasant person. I forced my family to call in nurses who come to the house to discuss family health crisises. Noone at the table would bring up alcohol. After the meeting the head nurse took me aside and told me that she knew the truth and that I did the right thing. Nothing really changed for them, but at least I knew that I was not crazy.

There is much more to say, but I will leave it at this for now.


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## Fascinita (Nov 2, 2008)

DumbAssBunny said:


> I knew how to crack ice and put beer cans into the mini cooler and fill it with ice so that my Dad could spend the afternoon tending his garden and enjoy his beer. It was all very "normal" for me.



I knew how to mix the perfect drinks, too.  

At first, I was really proud of that. Dad liked the way I mixed his drinks and it made me feel that I was contributing to the general happiness of the household, because it always put a smile on his face to see his twelve-year-old bearing his booze. Oy.

(I suddenly feel a little self-conscious. I don't want to give the impression I feel sorry for myself, or that my family were creeps. They were lovable in their crazy way sometimes, and I loved them through all of it.

I know that there may be people reading rolling their eyes at reading this because they'd never speak publicly about stuff like this. I guess I have to do what I have to do. It's my life, right?)


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## Smushygirl (Nov 2, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> (I suddenly feel a little self-conscious. I don't want to give the impression I feel sorry for myself, or that my family were creeps. They were lovable in their crazy way sometimes, and I loved them through all of it.
> 
> I know that there may be people reading rolling their eyes at reading this because they'd never speak publicly about stuff like this. I guess I have to do what I have to do. It's my life, right?)



I'm an apologizer by nature, so maybe that came out wrong. What I was really expressing was empathy, been there-done that-kind-of-thing. I love my family too, doesn't mean they weren't creepy sometimes.

It's a great fucking thread and as soon as I can get more thoughts together about this, I will share them.

Keep on speaking out, there are lots of us that love it.:wubu:


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## steely (Nov 2, 2008)

None of us have anything to apologise for,we lived it.We all know our own family dynamic.I love my family as much as I know how to love.

It's a really great thread!


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## Fascinita (Nov 2, 2008)

Smushygirl said:


> I'm an apologizer by nature,



Me, too. lol



> so maybe that came out wrong.



NO way! I loved the hug and the empathy. 

I was really just kind of hearing certain voices in my head of people I know who think it's "weak" to stop to talk about this stuff. Apparently I internalize the feelings of others. lol 

SO no... You're perfectly fine.

Now hug me again. :batting:

((((SMUSH))))))




> as soon as I can get more thoughts together about this, I will share them.



Great! I'll be reading!


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## Tad (Nov 3, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> Everyone,
> 
> I'm an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA, in recovery parlance) and a fat woman.
> 
> I was thinking tonight about how my being fat relates to my being an ACoA. I can't say for sure that the first is directly related to the second, but I do know that I first started to gain weight when my father started drinking and my family began to disintegrate slowly.



Just to mention, given that these things happened around the same time, your mind may have linked them even if there is no real cause and effect. You would have been developing the feelings and behaviors from dealing with your family situation at the same time as you developed feelings and behaviors around dealing with being fat in this crazy society. So even if neither one caused the other, I could totally imagine that they twined around each other, like how I had a tomato plant and raspberry bushes crawling over each other in my garden this year. Not saying that is the case, just wanted to point out the option.


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## Fascinita (Dec 12, 2008)

I just wanted to extend a friendly greeting and my best wishes to those Dimmers who grew up in alcoholic homes and may sometime this season feel conflicted about holiday celebrations in particular.

*Here's hoping that you have a happy, healthy, peaceful, joyous holiday season in the company of loved ones. Be well.*


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## steely (Dec 12, 2008)

Thanks Fasc,that little bit of support makes a big difference.Between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a really tough time.


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## Fascinita (Dec 12, 2008)

steely said:


> that little bit of support makes a big difference.Between Thanksgiving and Christmas



 Glad to hear this, steely. Thanks. :happy:


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## imfree (Dec 12, 2008)

Fascinita said:


> I just wanted to extend a friendly greeting and my best wishes to those Dimmers who grew up in alcoholic homes and may sometime this season feel conflicted about holiday celebrations in particular.
> 
> *Here's hoping that you have a happy, healthy, peaceful, joyous holiday season in the company of loved ones. Be well.*


 Like Fascinita said. I wish inner peace for every Dimmer
this holiday season, too.


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