# Thoughts on LDRs



## BearHug2013 (May 20, 2013)

First off this isn't because of some DIMs crush okay? Good. 

So to everyone out there what are your thoughts, feelings, and opinions on Long Distance Relationships? And for those who've been in an LDR before maybe share your experiences and feelings about them. 
Personally I do believe they can work between two reasonable people. 
And I do have a story: last winter I met a nice young woman online who seemed nice. We typed, shared, and laughed and finally decided she would fly down(Wisconsin to Missouri). Well two weeks before the date we agreed on she said she was gonna come down the next day, to which I told her no since I had yard work, work, and school registration to do that weekend...well she chose now to show her crazy side! Accusing me of dogging her and seeing someone else, so after she made it clear "reason" wasn't her strong suit I blocked her crazy ass number...Game Over


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## Yakatori (May 20, 2013)

^You know what's funny? Not haha-funny, but maybe funny-strange...Yard- work... Something about that particular word, turn of phrase. It just sounds like a bunch of bs. I mean, not to insult you, but I can, sort of, see why she didn't believe you. You tell someone you're coming to see them from hours away...and they bring-up "yard-work?!" It's like...huh?! It just, naturally, makes one skeptical. I dunno why.

And the thing is, today, guess what I'm about to do? A serious mother-lode of yardwork. And, no matter how much I get done today....I will still have more to do. That's the thing with the yardwork: It never seems to end! Summertime, the nice weather, everybody's having parties. To each invite I find myself, kind of, wondering: If it ends up being nice-out...that will mean I'll be setting myself back a serious day of yard-work. And, of course, I can't exactly tell people "Oh, well I have a lot of yard-work... Because, honestly, no one is going to accept that.

I mean, it's almost as if you're talking about..an imaginary friend. Or a Canadian girlfriend (or a just girl who goes to another school). People just don't understand.

But I do. I totally know where you're coming-from.


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## loopytheone (May 20, 2013)

I have a fair few friends who have had long distance relationships and honestly, they seem to have the same sort of success rates as normal relationships. If you are compatible people you are compatible people, it doesn't matter how far apart you are. A friend of mine dated a guy over the internet for a year, lived with him in a different country for a year or so and then when they broke up she ended up dating a different guy across the internet. They have been together three years now and it was only this winter that they met in the flesh for the first time. He went over to China to see her and this summer she is going to be living at his house. So it definitely can work! Also, I'm british and my bf is canadian and despite the distance this is undoubtedly my best relationship ever! :blush:

Can I ask how long you knew this woman for before meeting up? I've met up with tons of people off the internet and not a single one of them has behaved any differently from the way they do online.


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## BearHug2013 (May 20, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> I have a fair few friends who have had long distance relationships and honestly, they seem to have the same sort of success rates as normal relationships. If you are compatible people you are compatible people, it doesn't matter how far apart you are. A friend of mine dated a guy over the internet for a year, lived with him in a different country for a year or so and then when they broke up she ended up dating a different guy across the internet. They have been together three years now and it was only this winter that they met in the flesh for the first time. He went over to China to see her and this summer she is going to be living at his house. So it definitely can work! Also, I'm british and my bf is canadian and despite the distance this is undoubtedly my best relationship ever! :blush:
> 
> Can I ask how long you knew this woman for before meeting up? I've met up with tons of people off the internet and not a single one of them has behaved any differently from the way they do online.



We never did. We chatted for two months before she went loopy...err,no pun intended
The thing is she gave me like a day notice that she was coming TWO WEEKS EARLY. Of course I've talked to plenty of crazy local women too, so I guess crazy can be everywhere:doh:


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## Cobra Verde (May 20, 2013)

Yakatori said:


> ^You know what's funny? Not haha-funny, but maybe funny-strange...Yard- work... Something about that particular word, turn of phrase. It just sounds like a bunch of bs. I mean, not to insult you, but I can, sort of, see why she didn't believe you. You tell someone you're coming to see them from hours away...and they bring-up "yard-work?!" It's like...huh?! It just, naturally, makes one skeptical. I dunno why.
> 
> And the thing is, today, guess what I'm about to do? A serious mother-lode of yardwork. And, no matter how much I get done today....I will still have more to do. That's the thing with the yardwork: It never seems to end! Summertime, the nice weather, everybody's having parties. To each invite I find myself, kind of, wondering: If it ends up being nice-out...that will mean I'll be setting myself back a serious day of yard-work. And, of course, I can't exactly tell people "Oh, well I have a lot of yard-work... Because, honestly, no one is going to accept that.
> 
> ...


I want to have a long-distance relationship with this post. :wubu:


This seems more like a "bitches be crazy!" thread than a serious long-distance relationships thread but I'll indulge the ostensible topic: yes, they work provided there's a definite point when the distance ends permanently. The longer you're apart the less likely it'll work out.

Notes:
-The chance of success decreases by at least 25% for every hour difference there is in time zone. 
-If you're on separate continents fucking forget it - think of how hard it is following the Olympics when it's another continent and multiply that frustration times a thousand.


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## loopytheone (May 20, 2013)

Cobra Verde said:


> Notes:
> -The chance of success decreases by at least 25% for every hour difference there is in time zone.
> -If you're on separate continents fucking forget it - think of how hard it is following the Olympics when it's another continent and multiply that frustration times a thousand.



Wow, according to this me and my partner are doomed. Then again, so are my mate and her bf who she is spending the whole summer with, apparently.


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## Amaranthine (May 20, 2013)

Having done the different continent thing, I think the logistics of visiting can cause plenty of unnecessary stress. Who visits who? How often would it even be feasible? It's unavoidable that it'll be an expensive endeavor, which is never fun to deal with. 

And while this may be a problem with all relationships, I feel it can be particularly salient for LDRs. Which is the fact that people naturally change over time and there's no way to predict how significant the change will be. Skype provides an awesome resource for keeping in touch personally, but when a relationship gets more serious, certain elements become more important. Like how someone lives day-to-day and little details that someone would pick up on when trying to live seriously together as a couple. 

Still, I certainly wouldn't discourage trying if you find someone you really care about. It can be worth it just for the experience. Just acknowledge the limitations and possible problems that could come up, and try to work with it best as possible :3


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## Hozay J Garseeya (May 20, 2013)

they're terrible ideas and they never work; source: your story.


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## BearHug2013 (May 20, 2013)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> they're terrible ideas and they never work; source: your story.



Error: invalid source
It was my one and only LDR experience(so far). She was pretty volatile for a woman who described herself as submissive. I won't base an opinion off of just one experience though. After all loopy's doing good at it....:shocked:....maybe thats it!!!! Maybe I need to find a nice hockey loving Canadian chick


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## fritzi (May 20, 2013)

BearHug2013 said:


> Well two weeks before the date we agreed on she said she was gonna come down the next day, to which I told her no since I had yard work, work, and school registration to do that weekend...well she chose now to show her crazy side!



Actually, this has nothing to do with LDR - this is more about the inability to transfer a budding internet friendship into one IRL. 
Coming on short notice is poor style .... but the excuse 'yard work' is also one no one wants to hear or will take all too seriously. especially in the important situation of meeting someone for the first time.
So it looks like the two of you just don't have matching prerequisites for a functioning relationship. It could've happened just as well if you only lived 20 miles apart.

More generally on LDR - much of what has been said is correct.

The bigger the distance, the shorter the time span is within which it'll work - unless time and funds available are ample.
Intercontinental is doable for about maximum 2 years, if both parties agree on it and work to finding a solution of overcoming it.

Mid-range LDR, like weekend commutes, can work almost indefinitely though. In my circle of friends there are two married couples who do that - one for by now 18, the other for 10 years (!).
Sometimes I even wonder whether these relationships would also work if they lived together full time - it's more like not having the daily grind is what keeps them together!


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## sophie lou (May 20, 2013)

Firstly i want to say i don't think all long distance relationships are doomed. I mean some have to work or else no one would even bother trying. I can see where some of the comments are coming from because there is only so long you can go without actually wanting the physical contact from someone and sadly there isn't a messaging service in the world that will fix that. 

When i first spoke to a friend of mine about having a long distance relationship she pretty much ridiculed me for it. Her exact words were 'It's no different from having a crush on a celebrity because all they are is an image on a screen' . There were a lot of other catty comments but that's one of the ones that stuck out. That and the repeated comments that he was probably seeing other people online

I have just been through the whole long distance relationship thing. I say it was long distance it was a few hundred miles and we never met up because it was just something that had never come up. Then about two months ago we met up for the first time and things seemed great. After meeting a second time, everything changed and he totally lost interest in everything. He said that his feelings for me in the flesh were different to how he had felt online. We had been online together for two years i might add.


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## BearHug2013 (May 20, 2013)

sophie lou said:


> Firstly i want to say i don't think all long distance relationships are doomed. I mean some have to work or else no one would even bother trying. I can see where some of the comments are coming from because there is only so long you can go without actually wanting the physical contact from someone and sadly there isn't a messaging service in the world that will fix that.
> 
> When i first spoke to a friend of mine about having a long distance relationship she pretty much ridiculed me for it. Her exact words were 'It's no different from having a crush on a celebrity because all they are is an image on a screen' . There were a lot of other catty comments but that's one of the ones that stuck out. That and the repeated comments that he was probably seeing other people online
> 
> I have just been through the whole long distance relationship thing. I say it was long distance it was a few hundred miles and we never met up because it was just something that had never come up. Then about two months ago we met up for the first time and things seemed great. After meeting a second time, everything changed and he totally lost interest in everything. He said that his feelings for me in the flesh were different to how he had felt online. We had been online together for two years i might add.



Yeah I think I've seen you post this particular experience in another thread. It could've been the thrill of the unknown, the mystery. 

And to the others commenters: this was never intended to be a personal focus but a discussion on a broad dating topic. And as far as the "excuses" I gave: these were things I had planned ahead of time to do so they'd be out of the way for the original meeting time of two weeks later. I believe in a LDR, such things should on be rescheduled with advanced notice not at the last minute. That's the last I'll say on that experience because again this was intended as a broad discussion not a personal focus.


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## sophie lou (May 20, 2013)

BearHug2013 said:


> Yeah I think I've seen you post this particular experience in another thread. It could've been the thrill of the unknown, the mystery.
> 
> And to the others commenters: this was never intended to be a personal focus but a discussion on a broad dating topic. And as far as the "excuses" I gave: these were things I had planned ahead of time to do so they'd be out of the way for the original meeting time of two weeks later. I believe in a LDR, such things should on be rescheduled with advanced notice not at the last minute. That's the last I'll say on that experience because again this was intended as a broad discussion not a personal focus.



Yes i did post the experience on another thread i thought it fitted here pretty well too. I can see both sides of the situation you were in because i know i hate to change plans like that. It was probably a little bit selfish of her to expect you to drop everything to accommodate her changing dates but maybe she was so excited about seeing you in the flesh that she thought making it sooner would have been an even bigger thrill for you. I'm guessing she was hoping your reaction would have been one of absolute joy that she had rescheduled to be with you sooner. Sorry i know you said that was your last word but i couldn't help reply


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## BearHug2013 (May 20, 2013)

sophie lou said:


> Yes i did post the experience on another thread i thought it fitted here pretty well too. I can see both sides of the situation you were in because i know i hate to change plans like that. It was probably a little bit selfish of her to expect you to drop everything to accommodate her changing dates but maybe she was so excited about seeing you in the flesh that she thought making it sooner would have been an even bigger thrill for you. I'm guessing she was hoping your reaction would have been one of absolute joy that she had rescheduled to be with you sooner. Sorry i know you said that was your last word but i couldn't help reply



I completely agree. Which is why I tried to simply have her come down on our originally planned date, but then she pulled the "now or never" move not a big fan of that one..ok THAT'S the last I'm saying on my experience


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## Cobra Verde (May 20, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> Wow, according to this me and my partner are doomed. Then again, so are my mate and her bf who she is spending the whole summer with, apparently.


Looks like.


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## squurp (May 20, 2013)

Cobra Verde said:


> Looks like.



MY two cents here. I work (for another few days at least) at a job with an inflexible schedule. I then have to work other things around that job. I don't get personal time, and I get time off only when the employer chooses. Sometimes, I have a window of opportunity to do yard work or other tasks that is not flexible. 

I don't know the specifics of the first poster's situation, and I am not in an LDR, but some people just don't have as much flexibility as others.


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## loopytheone (May 21, 2013)

fritzi said:


> Actually, this has nothing to do with LDR - this is more about the inability to transfer a budding internet friendship into one IRL.



I was thinking this as well. If you have only known somebody online for a couple of months before meeting them face to face then they aren't in a LDR with you, they are your friend, most likely. I have a fair few friends I've met online and then got to know in real life and without exception all of them have been awesome and exactly the way that I expected them to be. But then again I took the time and effort to really get to know them as people before I met up with them. I don't meet up with strangers or people I don't trust. 

Now if only I could find a way to get to Canada...


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## sophie lou (May 21, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> I was thinking this as well. If you have only known somebody online for a couple of months before meeting them face to face then they aren't in a LDR with you, they are your friend, most likely. I have a fair few friends I've met online and then got to know in real life and without exception all of them have been awesome and exactly the way that I expected them to be. But then again I took the time and effort to really get to know them as people before I met up with them. I don't meet up with strangers or people I don't trust.
> 
> Now if only I could find a way to get to Canada...



I just had a thought about your desire to find a way to Canada. Have you tried contacting the parcel and courier companies. Some of them often look for people who will travel all over the world to deliver a parcel. I think all you need is a passport. Could be worth a try and might get you there or your partner could try the same and that might get him to you.


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## ODFFA (May 21, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> ...I have a fair few friends I've met online and then got to know in real life and without exception all of them have been awesome and exactly the way that I expected them to be. But then again *I took the time and effort to really get to know them as people* before I met up with them. I don't meet up with strangers or people I don't trust...



There's something to be said for this, even when physically together, but especially long distance. While doing this doesn't make anything fail-proof, it does go a long way. Every (kind of) relationship has its serious challenges and, for some, a certain challenge is going to end up being a deal breaker, while for others it won't.

I don't sneer at a particular kind of relationship just because it's a particular kind of relationship. General statements like "I [don't] think LDRs can work" are difficult ones to make, because a relationship is such a complex thing and so unique from one to another, just like the human beings that create them.

So, while it's good to be well informed and take into account all the stories and opinions you can, ultimately, no one knows _your_ own isolated situation better than you do and therefore no one is more equipped or better positioned to make that decision than you are. And unfortunately even the business of fortunetelling isn't iron clad. Ain't nothing to do with life but live it, I guess.


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## loopytheone (May 21, 2013)

sophie lou said:


> I just had a thought about your desire to find a way to Canada. Have you tried contacting the parcel and courier companies. Some of them often look for people who will travel all over the world to deliver a parcel. I think all you need is a passport. Could be worth a try and might get you there or your partner could try the same and that might get him to you.



That is something that I have never thought of before I have to say! If I was ready at the moment to cope with a responsibility like that or to travel so far I might consider that! Do they pay for you to travel with the parcel then? I'd have to wonder how large/cumbersome the parcel must be to require somebody couriering it the whole time...


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## Tad (May 21, 2013)

I think that starting a relationship up long distance (and really getting to know each other well enough to know that it has a good chance of working) is the really hard part.

Maintaining an existing relationship long distance is absolutely a bit of extra challenge, but lots of things can add challenge to a relationship. If anything I almost feel like you need some challenge early on to find out how solid the relationship really is, and if both people are willing to put in the commitment and effort to make it work.

(then again, this is totally based on my personal experience--met my wife and uni and we dated for seven months, then a bit over two years of long distance (got together a weekend a month, with a couple of longer visits each year at holidays), before we were able to be together again. So I know how it worked out for us, but dynamics are different for each couple.


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## J34 (May 21, 2013)

I'm sorry but that yard work line just killed me. I'm a big Simpsons fans (classic 90s episodes) So here is one about the episode "Eight Misbehavin'", where Apu and his wife have eight kids. I fashioned my favorite quote from there into the "yard work" line you have

Apu: Yes, and what would I tell her? Yard Work? Sorry sorry, it's just that we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and... (snapping again) YARD WORK?! What the hell were you thinking? Yard work. Sorry. Sorry again. As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
Homer: No! Marge, NO!


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## Shinobi_Hime-Sama (May 21, 2013)

Gotta watch out for the crazies online. I too have experience with LDR's. I met a guy who had lived in Toronto for four years before returning to his home country...of Japan. Yes, I actually flew there to go see him, the thing was he only came to my hotel room on the weekend and couldn't come during the week. He had to work and I respected that since there were other things I wanted to do in Japan for the two weeks I was there so it was all good. But that is the other side of the planet so I know a thing or two about LDR's.


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## Cobra Verde (May 21, 2013)

J34 said:


> I'm sorry but that yard work line just killed me. I'm a big Simpsons fans (classic 90s episodes) So here is one about the episode "Eight Misbehavin'", where Apu and his wife have eight kids. I fashioned my favorite quote from there into the "yard work" line you have
> 
> Apu: Yes, and what would I tell her? Yard Work? Sorry sorry, it's just that we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and... (snapping again) YARD WORK?! What the hell were you thinking? Yard work. Sorry. Sorry again. As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
> Homer: No! Marge, NO!


I often try to trick people into saying "banana bread" just so I can quote this. 
The original quote, of course. 

Because it wouldn't really make sense for me to respond to a reference to banana bread with a rant about yard work....


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## Sasquatch! (May 21, 2013)

Long Distance Relationships never work. You need to be within groping distance at ALL TIMES.


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## bigmac (May 21, 2013)

Sasquatch! said:


> Long Distance Relationships never work. *You need to be within groping distance at ALL TIMES.*



Yes that would be nice!

Seriously, long distance relationships can work if you have the resources to travel very frequently. I travel across five state sized California counties to go to work every Monday and return home on Friday. If you include wear and tear on my car I easily spend 15K a year traveling. This is a huge budget item that needs to be eliminated sooner rather than later.


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## ODFFA (May 22, 2013)

Sasquatch! said:


> Long Distance Relationships never work. You need to be within groping distance at ALL TIMES.



I'm sure no lady can stay on her feet around you with sweeping statements such as these. :happy:


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## The Dark Lady (May 22, 2013)

BearHug2013 said:


> I had yard work



In case it hasn't already been firmly established: you were the crazy one there. I'll bet you don't even have a yard.


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## Saoirse (May 22, 2013)

The yard work excuse (cause that's what it was) is poor. If you really fu king like someone, yard work can wait a little while. I would've been pissed too!!


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## Cobra Verde (May 22, 2013)

I fucking love how every single person commenting did the same double-take when we came to the yard work line.




He's sitting in Missouri, and she's supposed to be visiting and he's in there talking about yard work. I mean, listen, he's talking about yard work: not a date, not a date, not a date, he's talking about yard work. Not a date. Not, not, not a date where they finally meet-up after all this time talking online. Not the date, but he's talking about yard work, man. I mean, how silly is that?

And he's talking about yard work. I know she's supposed to be there 2 weeks later. I know she's supposed to stick to the plan. I know that. And I'm not...I'm not shoving it aside, you know, like it don't mean anything. I know it's important, I do. I honestly do.

But he's talking about yard work man. What is he talking about? _Yard work_? He's talking about yard work, man. He's talking about yard work. He's talking about yard work. He ain't talking about the date. He's talking about yard work, man. When she comes from Wisconsin, and she wants to see you, you hook up don't you? You give it everything you've got, right? But we're talking about yard work right now. We're talking about yard work. 

BearHug2013 look, I hear you, it's funny to me too. I mean it's strange, it's strange to me too, but you're talking about yard work man, you're not even talking about meeting - the actual meeting - when it matters. You're talking about yard work..


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## Saoirse (May 22, 2013)

Youre never going to win this one boys. The yard work line is 
equivalent to "I have to wash my hair" It means GO AWAY, even if he really was doing yardwork.


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## Cobra Verde (May 22, 2013)

Saoirse said:


> The yard work excuse (cause that's what it was) is poor. If you really fu king like someone, yard work can wait a little while. I would've been pissed too!!


At first I read this as "If you really want to kung fu someone" and thought you were using kung fu as a euphemism for fucking which would be awesome.

In fact, I submit that "kung fu" now be acceptable as a synonym for 'to fuck'.


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## Saoirse (May 22, 2013)

Your disregard of the point of my last post means I have bested you. Good day.


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## LeoGibson (May 22, 2013)

Nice AI reference Cobra Verde! I just did that same rant IRL on a co-worker. 

As far as yard work goes, I'm in the camp of who the hell turns down guaranteed pu-, er sex for yard work? Before anyone chimes in dating there was no sex mentioned, c'mon man, who is gonna fly 3 or 4 states away on short notice and spend 5 or 6 hundred bucks to do so if they aren't planning to throw one on you?


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## BearHug2013 (May 22, 2013)

LeoGibson said:


> Nice AI reference Cobra Verde! I just did that same rant IRL on a co-worker.
> 
> As far as yard work goes, I'm in the camp of who the hell turns down guaranteed pu-, er sex for yard work? Before anyone chimes in dating there was no sex mentioned, c'mon man, who is gonna fly 3 or 4 states away on short notice and spend 5 or 6 hundred bucks to do so if they aren't planning to throw one on you?



Someone who doesn't want to have to pay a $300 state fine for not cutting it.
Which she knew I had already gotten a warning in the mail.


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## Saoirse (May 22, 2013)

BearHug2013 said:


> Someone who doesn't want to have to pay a $300 state fine for not cutting it.
> Which she knew I had already gotten a warning in the mail.



No excuse. She probably wouldve been perfectly happy watching you mow your ridiculous ($300? Really?) lawn.


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## Tad (May 22, 2013)

In my experience with an LDR, what is required is that you put the relationship itself as the highest priority--over what you want, what the other person wants, even what makes good long-term financial sense (so long as that doesn't get bad enough to hurt the relationship). The constant question, if you want it to thrive, is 'will this help the relationsip?' and if the answer is yes, it trumps almost anything.

Think of like trying to grow tomatoes in Alaska. Your only chance is to grab those plants every hour of sun possible, make sure to always protect from the cold, get them as much heat as you can, and see if artificial light can help fill in enough that you get to harvest something, eventually. Anything much less, and there isn't a lot of point in going through the motions, because they won't ever ripen.


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## Sasquatch! (May 22, 2013)

ODFFA said:


> I'm sure no lady can stay on her feet around you with sweeping statements such as these. :happy:



I'm sure there's a couple of women out there who can attest to this. 

And yes, what's the problem with having her come and help with the yardwork? She turns up early, she has to expect stuff like that 

"It'll be great to see you! I've got some yardwork I'm being forced to do, but if you lend me a hand with it I'll treat you to slap up meal as soon as we're done"

sounds better than 

"Can't come round. I have yard work."


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## cakeboy (May 23, 2013)

Relationships have a high failure rate no matter the distance. If the two parties involved are compatible and put the requisite work in, then the chances of success are better. I've known people who entered into a LDR with zero financial resources to travel and it sucked the life out of them. That's not what starry-eyed romantics prefer to hear, but it's the truth. If your beloved/soulmate/desired pickle-tickler is 3500 miles away and you're chilling in Mom's basement or a student, well...that blows for both parties :/


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## escapist (May 24, 2013)

Personally I HATE LDR's! Its a HUGE part of why I first messaged Chicken Legs. When I saw her post on Dims and saw she was in same city it was just a no-brainer. I got lucky and we just hit it off and really enjoyed being together. I have heard story's of FFA's perving on big dudes eating but seeing her perv on me our fist time out really blew me away.

I just don't see it being the long lasting very real relationship its become if we could only have talked on the phone, email, and text. I have some great friendships I've made here on Dim's and such but nothing beats being able to hold and kiss someone you have feelings for.

Besides last time I was really in love in a LDR I'll just say this, dumbest move of my life and OMG did it hurt! :doh: You couldn't pay me to try to endure that again...ever.


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## Paquito (May 24, 2013)

I could totally do a LDR. My ideal relationship would be huge independence and contact when convenient. Sporadic contact. No contact. Pretty much being single.

Actually, being single is my ideal relationship. Oops. Although Sassy and I have been going for years now. :wubu:


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## sophie lou (Jul 23, 2013)

I have been seeing a therapist for depression lately and we have been talking about my past and stuff. One of the things that came up was my last relationship. It wasn't exactly long distance but it was mainly internet based for two years. She spent two sessions trying to convince me that long distance relationships were fake and the same as having a school girl crush on a member of a boy band because in her words " all you are seeing is a picture on a screen". She also tried to say that i was more comfortable with a long distance relationship because i didn't want to be physical with someone and that i have intimacy issues. Some of the things we have spoke about have really helped me but the whole long distance relationship business has made me lose a little bit of faith in her. No matter what you say in defence of it she just finds another way to make out that it is just childish and very immature and that they can never work


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## Sasquatch! (Jul 23, 2013)

Paquito said:


> Actually, being single is my ideal relationship. Oops. Although Sassy and I have been going for years now. :wubu:



Ssssssh!!!!!


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## CastingPearls (Jul 23, 2013)

I've known people to have successful LDRs and of course someone or two will be trotting out here to extol their virtues, but I guess it depends on how one defines success. And distance. 

Ex-spouse considered a two hour drive a LDR. We were married for ten years, six of which were sheer hell. Some might say, wellllll ten years....success, but not so. 

Then there was the guy in Alabama who I didn't know who I mentioned 'pool' to and he said he'd start digging one out the moment I started driving. Then he disappeared. lol

Then the guy in Toronto. Brilliant. Don't know if I ever knew a more creative man. He spoke as if he wanted to meet and then.....nothing.

Then the guy on another continent, which was, unfortunately VERY public here. After two years of trying to convince me it would work, I believed him and at that very moment, he convinced himself it couldn't.

Now I met a guy who lives three hours away...but...from my now former home in PA. I'm currently in TX. Initially he thought long distance is driving outside of his gated community and I asked then why he was even bothering with me, in which case he reconsidered and said he'd meet me halfway, which ironically is the same city I used to work in. He was visibly relieved we picked a city. But he had his own house to put in order, so I took off for TX at least for a while. This time I made it long distance because I needed to put me first. He wouldn't take goodbye for an answer and expects me to return. I can't make any promises right now. 

Are they worth it? There are a lot of factors, like what is rooting you where you are and can you unroot yourself? If not, can they relocate, because the relationship is ultimately doomed if someone won't budge. I would have relocated to another country, another continent, but wasn't asked. And that too is a factor. What are they willing to contribute? Do they want you to show up on their doorstep with a pizza and bottle of soda (or booze)? Who's doing all or most of the work? Do they communicate with you in some other way to get to know you, keep in touch with you, do the daily report kinda of thing? Do you talk about inane things? Is it more than a pixilated fantasy or is it the beginning of something real? 

I've read 20% of all relationships now begin online. I haven't yet read any stats on ratio of relationship demises vs meeting in person but someone mentioned that they heard that someone else told them it's the same. And Thomas Jefferson said, 'Everything on the internet is true' so you can take that to the bank. 

As long as it's in US currency or at least the exchange rate works in your favor.

PS--Yardwork. Really?


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## loopytheone (Jul 24, 2013)

sophie lou said:


> I have been seeing a therapist for depression lately and we have been talking about my past and stuff. One of the things that came up was my last relationship. It wasn't exactly long distance but it was mainly internet based for two years. She spent two sessions trying to convince me that long distance relationships were fake and the same as having a school girl crush on a member of a boy band because in her words " all you are seeing is a picture on a screen". She also tried to say that i was more comfortable with a long distance relationship because i didn't want to be physical with someone and that i have intimacy issues. Some of the things we have spoke about have really helped me but the whole long distance relationship business has made me lose a little bit of faith in her. No matter what you say in defence of it she just finds another way to make out that it is just childish and very immature and that they can never work



Ooooh, that therapist makes me so angry for reasons that are obvious to anybody who has ever read any of my posts on here! The difference between a crush on a pop star and a long distance relationship is that you can talk to your partner and get to know them and do things for them and send them things and, well, be in a mutual fulfilling relationship.

My best friend has been in two long distance relationships for most of her life. The first was for about three years, with her living in England and him living in Korea. Her current relationship has been going for almost that long, with her living between England and China and him living in America. It took two years before they were able to meet each other in the flesh and this summer they are living together in America and she intends to move their and get married after her university course is finished. So it certainly can work.


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## HDANGEL15 (Jul 24, 2013)

CastingPearls said:


> Do they want you to show up on their doorstep with a pizza and bottle of soda (or booze)? Who's doing all or most of the work? Do they communicate with you in some other way to get to know you, keep in touch with you, do the daily report kinda of thing? Do you talk about inane things? Is it more than a pixilated fantasy or is it the beginning of something real?


*
I can 105% relate to all of what CP said....is there anything *MORE* then convo on line/emails/texts....men dissappearing is CLASSIC (and I am sure the same is totally true for women!!)....is there anything MORE then a phantasy of something more...is he/she TRULY available....or just on THEIR TERMS...*



loopytheone said:


> My best friend has been in two long distance relationships for most of her life. The first was for about three years, with her living in England and him living in Korea. Her current relationship has been going for almost that long, with her living between England and China and him living in America. It took two years before they were able to meet each other in the flesh and this summer they are living together in America and she intends to move their and get married after her university course is finished. So it certainly can work.


*
how long have they been living together ...and how far away is the marriage...those factors will be the litmus test....*IMHO**


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## loopytheone (Jul 24, 2013)

HDANGEL15 said:


> *
> how long have they been living together ...and how far away is the marriage...those factors will be the litmus test....*IMHO**



They have only just started living together, as I said she is coming back to England to finish her degree in September. And as for getting married, it really isn't a big deal for her, him, me or a lot of people I know. *shrugs* 

I've personally never understood why people are so dismissive or long distance relationships, actually. You find exactly the same type of people online as you find online. If you are attracted to the type of person who is flaky enough to just disappear or if you are a terrible judge of character like that then you will be online and in real life. I have met several people platonically from online and they have all been exactly the awesome people I knew they were before I met up with them. Hanging out with them in real life is just the same as hanging out online. For some of us the internet is an easier place to find relationships as well; I hate the idea of being in a relationship for the most part and somebody hanging around me all the time and fawning on me in real life would scare the hell out of me at first. The distance gave me the space I needed at first to realise that I didn't need any space at all.


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Jul 24, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> They have only just started living together, as I said she is coming back to England to finish her degree in September. And as for getting married, it really isn't a big deal for her, him, me or a lot of people I know. *shrugs*
> 
> I've personally never understood why people are so dismissive or long distance relationships, actually. You find exactly the same type of people online as you find online. If you are attracted to the type of person who is flaky enough to just disappear or if you are a terrible judge of character like that then you will be online and in real life. I have met several people platonically from online and they have all been exactly the awesome people I knew they were before I met up with them. Hanging out with them in real life is just the same as hanging out online. For some of us the internet is an easier place to find relationships as well; I hate the idea of being in a relationship for the most part and somebody hanging around me all the time and fawning on me in real life would scare the hell out of me at first. The distance gave me the space I needed at first to realise that I didn't need any space at all.



You know, I've always liked that your posts are always fleshed out and you explain yourself. It's never a "you're wrong" and that's it. For some reason though, and I understand what you wrote above is your opinion and you're free to have it, I feel like you're being a little dismissive about actual face to face interaction or a little elitist about Internet relationships. As if they're superior to any face to face goings on. 

I'm sure that's not your intention, but after the last few posts its just the vibe I get. 

Also, what do you mean getting married isn't that big of a deal? I'm just confused by this and didn't quite understand. 

Hope you don't think I'm attacking you, just questioning and promoting civil conversation.


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## Tad (Jul 24, 2013)

I suppose how you feel about LDR might depend, too, on your priorities? I mean, if your over riding objective is to find the person with whom you'll get married, white-wash a picket fence, have kids with, and grow old with....that is probably going to give you a very different perspective than if your objective is find a meaningful connection right now that helps you grow as a person, or if you are looking for adventure and novelty, or if.....

And of course, most of us probably have a bias toward assuming that most other people are, or should, be seeking the same things as we are. (I certainly have been and frequently continue to be guilty in this way).

And what we think of when we hear the term 'long distance relationship' clearly varies a lot too, running the gamut from people who have never met in person to people who had an in-person relationship before one of them had to move some distance so now they see each other every second weekend, and from half a day's drive to half way around the planet.

I think a good chunk of the disagreements and talking past each other in this thread come from this sort of thing--assuming different objectives to the relationship and thinking about different types of relationship. (although of course there is still plenty of room for debate, even those items aside)

ETA: forgot to finish what I'd been meaning to say. I've always said my wife and had an LDR for a couple of years. However we'd dated in person for seven months before that started, and saw each other pretty much every month for at least a couple of days during that time....I'm thinking that these days that wouldn't even really get viewed as what some people think of as an LDR?


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## Hozay J Garseeya (Jul 24, 2013)

Tad said:


> I suppose how you feel about LDR might depend, too, on your priorities? I mean, if your over riding objective is to find the person with whom you'll get married, white-wash a picket fence, have kids with, and grow old with....that is probably going to give you a very different perspective than if your objective is find a meaningful connection right now that helps you grow as a person, or if you are looking for adventure and novelty, or if.....
> 
> And of course, most of us probably have a bias toward assuming that most other people are, or should, be seeking the same things as we are. (I certainly have been and frequently continue to be guilty in this way).
> 
> ...



You're amazing Tad


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## bigmac (Jul 24, 2013)

CastingPearls said:


> ...
> 
> Then the guy in Toronto. Brilliant. Don't know if I ever knew a more creative man. He spoke as if he wanted to meet *and then.....nothing*.
> 
> ...



This is pretty much the way internet dating goes. People make contact with numerous prospects -- they keep several on the line it see if any pan out -- if one does the easiest thing to do with regard to the other prospects is to just disappear. Just the nature of the game. Modern dating requires a fairly thick skin.


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## loopytheone (Jul 25, 2013)

Hozay J Garseeya said:


> You know, I've always liked that your posts are always fleshed out and you explain yourself. It's never a "you're wrong" and that's it. For some reason though, and I understand what you wrote above is your opinion and you're free to have it, I feel like you're being a little dismissive about actual face to face interaction or a little elitist about Internet relationships. As if they're superior to any face to face goings on.
> 
> I'm sure that's not your intention, but after the last few posts its just the vibe I get.
> 
> ...



Oh, that is nice thing to say, thank you! :happy: Ah... maybe you are right. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I don't mean to come off that way but I know very little about starting face to face relationships and I've never met anybody my age who has had a serious relationship start that way (which has more to do with my lack of friends than anything else, I think!). I know that different things work for different people and I guess I am kinda biased because my social anxiety stops real life dating from being an option for me really. 

As for getting married not being that a big a deal, you are right, I should have explained that better! I kinda tend to assume that everybody knows what I mean without explaining myself, bad habit I know! I just meant that to me and a lot of my friends marriage isn't some sort of holy grail or goal in life. The goal is to find a person that you love and who loves you and have a wonderful life together. Whether or not you sign a piece of paper to 'prove' that devotion is secondary. I am not saying that marriage itself isn't awesome and desirable and cool beans just that it is an optional way of showing your love for somebody in my opinion rather than a requirement needed to tell the world that you are in love.


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## MrSensible (Jul 25, 2013)

loopytheone said:


> Oh, that is nice thing to say, thank you! :happy: Ah... maybe you are right. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I don't mean to come off that way but I know very little about starting face to face relationships and I've never met anybody my age who has had a serious relationship start that way (which has more to do with my lack of friends than anything else, I think!). I know that different things work for different people and I guess I am kinda biased because my social anxiety stops real life dating from being an option for me really.
> 
> As for getting married not being that a big a deal, you are right, I should have explained that better! I kinda tend to assume that everybody knows what I mean without explaining myself, bad habit I know! I just meant that to me and a lot of my friends marriage isn't some sort of holy grail or goal in life. The goal is to find a person that you love and who loves you and have a wonderful life together. Whether or not you sign a piece of paper to 'prove' that devotion is secondary. I am not saying that marriage itself isn't awesome and desirable and cool beans just that it is an optional way of showing your love for somebody in my opinion rather than a requirement needed to tell the world that you are in love.



Damn these rep limits! :doh:

I can definitely relate on the social anxiety issues getting in the way of face-to-face dating. It can be a way more daunting prospect in contrast to meeting people online--where it's considerably easier to learn about the people you meet... before you technically meet them. I've had several online relationships, and although they didn't work out romantically in the end, I still made some great friends; a few of which I still talk to regularly. I can't say that the long distance thing didn't play a part as to why some of those relationships didn't work out, but it doesn't change my opinion of how great the internet can be for finding a like-minded partner, long distance or not. It's just too epic of a resource to ignore, especially when you're on the more introverted side of the spectrum. Or, if you're in my situation, and you live in a place that you don't belong .

As for LDRs in general, I'd say if you're both truly into each other, and that mental chemistry is there, the distance should be nothing more than a relatively trivial, temporary inconvenience. Hell, if nothing else, you could even consider it a test to see how strong your relationship really is; kind of a silver lining to an otherwise shitty situation. I've known couples that honestly lived on near opposite ends of the earth and they made it work, no problem at all. They skyped every night, played online games, and even watched movies together. Thanks to good ol' modern communication technology, you can be thousands of miles away from someone and, in a sense, not even feel like it, as long as you're near an internet source. It certainly beats the days where snail mail and expensive long distance calls were the only options.

I'm also totally with you on the marriage thing, loopy. You need to get the eff out of my head .


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