# Never been approached by a BHM



## magodamilion (Sep 10, 2014)

This is an advice question with multiple questions I'd like you guys to address. Thanks.
I am an FFA in my early twenties and I've only had relationships with thin/muscular guys. Part of this is because I've only dated people who've approached me, meaning I've never been the one to start flirting with someone. I have no idea how to because as a woman I've never needed to or been expected to. The problem is that I'm most attracted to fat guys but none of them have ever approached me. I'm not fully sure why. 
So I need advice for how to approach guys. I can't shake the fear that I'm just going to creep them out. I don't really have great social skills in that area. The only place I'd really feel comfortable actively hitting on a guy is at a club or a bar but usually there aren't any fat guys there (aside from douchey looking ex-frat boy type fat guys). In an ordinary situation I think it would seem strange and uncalled for. I think it would be easier if I was a bit more attractive instead of average level attractive. It would make the likelihood of being shot down so much lower. 
I have a person in mind, a former acquaintance/friend of a friend who I lost touch with about two years ago but have recently gotten back in touch with (indirectly). In the two years of not seeing him he looks like he's gained like 100 to 150 pounds and now he's insanely good looking to me. We small talk awkwardly sometimes and I'm not sure how to change that or move beyond that. I'm assuming he isn't attracted to me based on having no evidence in his behavior that he's attracted to me. However I could be wrong.
Recommendations?


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## lille (Sep 10, 2014)

Don't worry about not being approached. Honestly, people getting approached by random people, other than at a bar or club, really isn't as common as people seem to think it is. As for the guy you're interested in, ask him out for coffee or maybe to a mvid you've been wanting to see. Something low key, could be a date or just hanging out with a friend and see how he responds. Don't be afraid to let a guy know you like him, the worst that can happen is that he'll say no, you'll be a little embarrassed, and then you'll both move on.


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## djudex (Sep 10, 2014)

Since you're in your early twenties it's probably safe to assume that the fellow you're interested in is in the same age range and I know in my early twenties unless there were some serious signs of the girl liking me I was unwilling to put myself out there. Most fat guys are shy, whether by nature or societal need, and they learn pretty quick to button up and not take chances. Now obviously I can't speak for him, just offer the experiences of myself and the people I've known.

Even though it's scary as Hell it may be worth your while to just ask him straight up if he would be interested in you. He might be, he might not but if he is it's probably your best bet to find out as he probably isn't coming out of his shell without being hit over the head with signs.


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## gythaogg (Sep 10, 2014)

Flirtation can be a matter of incremental degrees. You don't have to approach someone out of the blue and ask for their number - it's challenging and can be quite confronting for a lot of people, and in reality most people meet dates through mutual friends rather than coffee shop lines - but if you want to get a date with a BHM, you have to make moves forward, even if they're small. You already know this.

Regarding this acquaintance, do you two have any tastes/interests in common? Ask him to go do something with you - tell him you're enjoying seeing him around more.

In terms of meeting other people, you don't have to hit on someone at a first meeting in order to express interest in them, but you do have to make active steps toward them - offer a way to keep in contact with them, and make the first step toward ongoing contact (the first text, the first IM) yourself, or suggest an activity you could enjoy together. Do you currently go to any regular events where you meet new people? Do you attend friends' parties when invited? Do you have an online dating profile? These are all good places to start.

One thing that can be helpful is focusing on being a more active participant in conversations. You've never done the asking out before, and I'm guessing you've never done the flirting before, so it's important to practice just being the active person in a conversation, the one spurring it on. Social skills are extremely learnable and can be practiced and honed. Whenever you're in a conversation with a new person, think of yourself as curious. Things are awkward when you keep your focus internal, when you're thinking all about how awkward and weird this is, overanalysing silences, constantly worrying about the impression you create. You can flirt more effectively by externalising your focus, by getting curious about other people and thus being the person who keeps a conversation flowing by asking questions and remarking on connections or interesting things. You have, within you, the mighty power to move beyond awkwardness! It mayn't feel that way in the midst of an awkward moment, but silence and vague mumbling can often be easily displaced with one or two good questions and an effort to find some common ground.
This site may well seem a little on-the-nose or obvious, but it could also be a useful resource http://succeedsocially.com/articlesconversation

Another thing is, you have to accept the fact that sometimes you will be shot down. Every guy who has ever approached you has had to accept that, and you want to date guys who belong to a group that are habitually told they're unsexy. They may fear being shot down far more than you do - the least you can do is give them an ego boost by flirting/asking them out. In the long term, by doing that, you're improving the chances of a BHM asking you out because you're putting the message out into the world that big guys have admirers and are attractive to you. It's ok to hear "no", and as Dita Von Teese says, you could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there will still be somebody out there who just doesn't like peaches.


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## loopytheone (Sep 11, 2014)

I agree with what everybody else said!

Also, in terms of approaching people, it can be difficult but you can do it. I think the best way is to approach as a friend, to ask them about their shirt/hair etc... just something to get the conversation started. You don't have to go up and start flirting right away. That way if they aren't interested in talking to you then you don't feel so rejected as you were just being friendly.


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## tankyguy (Sep 11, 2014)

It's easier for a FFA to identify and pick a BHM out from a crowd than the other way around.


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## loopytheone (Sep 11, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> It's easier for a FFA to identify and pick a BHM out from a crowd than the other way around.



Hahaha, true! We should start wearing badges or something! =p


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## magodamilion (Sep 11, 2014)

gythaogg said:


> Regarding this acquaintance, do you two have any tastes/interests in common? Ask him to go do something with you - tell him you're enjoying seeing him around more.
> 
> In terms of meeting other people, you don't have to hit on someone at a first meeting in order to express interest in them, but you do have to make active steps toward them - offer a way to keep in contact with them, and make the first step toward ongoing contact (the first text, the first IM) yourself, or suggest an activity you could enjoy together. Do you currently go to any regular events where you meet new people? Do you attend friends' parties when invited? Do you have an online dating profile? These are all good places to start.



Well thanks for the advice everyone. 
As for whether I have anything in common with this person, that's one of the problems, I don't really know. The situation is that I was friends with his roommate back then and only really knew him from group situations. I do remember though that he would laugh at my jokes so that's encouraging. 

Another thing that makes me more nervous about approaching this specific person is that when I had actually decided I'd try flirting with him on facebook since online is a bit easier for me then real life I saw that he defriended me. That hasn't totally put me off as like I said I haven't seen this person in a few years but it does kind of make me think he wouldn't be interested in me. Also the lack of facebook means I can't creep on him and gain new information about him that I could use to make conversation better which makes me feel a little blind.

I like what some of you guys said about taking it incrementally though. I'm going to try and think of some conversation starting things to say next time I run into him. I just have to try and come up with something that would actually be semi interesting despite having no information.
I might see him tomorrow so we'll see how it goes...


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## biglynch (Sep 11, 2014)

Im going to just randomly start walking up to ladies and saying nothing other than, FFA?

I'm bound to hit gold eventually.


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## loopytheone (Sep 12, 2014)

biglynch said:


> Im going to just randomly start walking up to ladies and saying nothing other than, FFA?
> 
> I'm bound to hit gold eventually.



If someone did that to me I would probably look like a deer caught in the headlights, thinking that somehow they read my mind or something and knew!


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## biglynch (Sep 12, 2014)

loopytheone said:


> If someone did that to me I would probably look like a deer caught in the headlights, thinking that somehow they read my mind or something and knew!



Ha ha, that's how I'm going to roll from now on, I'm turning the tables people. 

Deer's in headlights all over place.


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## Tad (Sep 12, 2014)

biglynch said:


> Ha ha, that's how I'm going to roll from now on, I'm turning the tables people.
> 
> Deer's in headlights all over place.



Do that in parts of the US and you'll eventually hit the response "Why yes--how did you know that I am part of 'Future Farmers of America'?"


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## tankyguy (Sep 12, 2014)

We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.


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## loopytheone (Sep 12, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.



To be honest, I don't think the FFAs will need an app to find BHM, you guys are kinda easy to spot! =p


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## MsBrightside (Sep 12, 2014)

biglynch said:


> Im going to just randomly start walking up to ladies and saying nothing other than, FFA?
> 
> I'm bound to hit gold eventually.


This is brilliant. 


loopytheone said:


> Hahaha, true! We should start wearing badges or something! =p


If FFAs are to wear badges, then it's only fair that men wear badges to let women know things like whether they know how to cook and clean up after themselves, if they might have enough children scattered about to start their own baseball team, if theres's a vindictive ex-wife lurking about somewhere, or if they've spent the last 10+ years of their adult lives living in their moms' basements. 


tankyguy said:


> We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.


An FFA locator--I love it!

Seriously, for anyone out there wondering if someone they're attracted to is interested in them, there are a few things that are always a good sign. For example, if he or she (as the case may be) greets you like a long-lost friend every time you meet or finds casual excuses to touch you. Or if they modify their usual personal space parameters when interacting with you. 

That last one is a big tell in my case. If I like someone (whether it be romantically or just as a friend), I'm likely to sit 3 inches away instead of the 3 feet I'd usually leave between myself and another person. I don't think I'm the only one that way, either. One of my friends tends to move closer to me when we speak and without giving it any apparent thought will do things like brush tendrils of hair away from my face when they get disturbed by the wind. Nothing inappropriate, just nice little signs of affection. 

If the two people in question are unattached and the right gender combination, then simple liking can lead to something more.


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## tankyguy (Sep 12, 2014)

MsBrightside said:


> If FFAs are to wear badges, then it's only fair that men wear badges to let women know things like whether they know how to cook and clean up after themselves, if they might have enough children scattered about to start their own baseball team, if theres's a vindictive ex-wife lurking about somewhere, or if they've spent the last 10+ years of their adult lives living in their moms' basements.



In the spirit of full disclosure: yes, mostly, no, no, partially.




loopytheone said:


> To be honest, I don't think the FFAs will need an app to find BHM, you guys are kinda easy to spot! =p



But the app will indicate if they're available, so you don't have to look for a ring.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 12, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.



While not specifically geared towards BHM and FFA's, you can always use the Tinder app. That way before you can even message each other both have to be into the other.


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## lille (Sep 12, 2014)

LeoGibson said:


> While not specifically geared towards BHM and FFA's, you can always use the Tinder app. That way before you can even message each other both have to be into the other.



Tinder is... interesting. Though apparently it's gotten big enough that prostitutes are using it now, a guy friend of mine has run into a few on there.


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## ShyGuy (Sep 12, 2014)

djudex said:


> Since you're in your early twenties it's probably safe to assume that the fellow you're interested in is in the same age range and I know in my early twenties unless there were some serious signs of the girl liking me I was unwilling to put myself out there. Most fat guys are shy, whether by nature or societal need, and they learn pretty quick to button up and not take chances. Now obviously I can't speak for him, just offer the experiences of myself and the people I've known.
> 
> Even though it's scary as Hell it may be worth your while to just ask him straight up if he would be interested in you. He might be, he might not but if he is it's probably your best bet to find out as he probably isn't coming out of his shell without being hit over the head with signs.



This. All day long.


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## MsBrightside (Sep 12, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> In the spirit of full disclosure: yes, mostly, no, no, partially.



You get a green light on all of these for a clever, tongue-in-cheek post  and because I think the last one only counts if it was for a really long time. There can be legitimate reasons for adults not to have their own places (health issues, financial considerations, etc.), but I think that in most cases it's unhealthy for grown children to stay with their parents forever. I love my parents, but the thought of living as an adult with either one of them makes me cringe, and dealing with someone else's parents on a frequent basis would probably be even worse. (Think Debra in _Everybody Loves Raymond_.)

Anyway, good luck to you magodamilion. Try not to overanalyze things, find the courage to put yourself out there a least a little, and hopefully things will work out.


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## biglynch (Sep 12, 2014)

MsBrightside said:


> This is brilliant.
> 
> If FFAs are to wear badges, then it's only fair that men wear badges to let women know things like whether they know how to cook and clean up after themselves, if they might have enough children scattered about to start their own baseball team, if theres's a vindictive ex-wife lurking about somewhere, or if they've spent the last 10+ years of their adult lives living in their moms' basements.
> 
> ...



You have armed me with all the info I needed. I'ms a gonna get ya


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## MsBrightside (Sep 12, 2014)

biglynch said:


> You have armed me with all the info I needed. I'ms a gonna get ya



Lol. I didn't know there were any guys your age into middle-aged, married women, but I have to admit the thought is kinda tempting.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 12, 2014)

I've never had a problem approaching women. Well at least not in the last 15 years or so. 

This whole FFA thing I don't understand all the time. I'm not walking around thinking about if a woman's preference is "fat dudes". I'd actually be kinda offended if that was the only reason a woman would have interest in me. 

I also don't think of women who like big dudes as some mythical creatures or even more so thin women who like big dudes as some sort of Faberge Egg. 

Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and there's a lot of people who are what society considers overweight. 

Maybe it's because I fall into the smaller category of BHM or Maybe personality goes a long way and the way you carry yourself. 

I just know I don't need any badges telling me it's ok for my fatass to speak to another human. 


People are just people to me. I know that's not how it goes with all the societal fuckery but that's just how I look at it and it seems to do me just fine. 

Two cents shared. Whatever, Carry on.


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## MsBrightside (Sep 13, 2014)

WHR, I doubt that many people would disagree with most or even all of what you said. Maybe guys that lack some of your confidence just wish there were some way to avoid women who might not look with favor upon them, whatever the reason, and vice versa. No one likes to be rejected. 

Also, I think some of us enjoy being a bit silly (I am frequently guilty of this) and that you realize that some of the comments here were not meant to be taken seriously.


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## WhiteHotRazor (Sep 13, 2014)

Yes I do get that it wasn't serious I was just using it to make a point. 

My question is, what is there to be afraid of? Rejection? Big deal. You don't hit every jump shot. 

Is some woman going to chastise you because you're fat and wanted to talk to her? If she's that kind of person do you really want to talk to her anyway? 
Plus if she is she's probably boring anyway. 

Unless you have some type of humiliation fetish then I'm guessing the answer is no,you would not like to talk to that person. 

My whole point is everyone is just a human, no matter how special someone might think they are, in reality they are not. 

Everyone gets diarrhea...even Christina Hendriks.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 13, 2014)

To break that fear of rejection or whatever other fear y'all have of women in social situations, I highly recommend getting married. In short order you will learn that chicks are not mystical, angelic creatures, and they are just regular people just like yourself and do all the same bodily functions you do. 

Also, one thing I remember my grandpa telling me about women. "Son, no matter how good looking a broad is, somewhere there is someone tired of putting up with her shit." And yes ladies, that sentiment works in reverse too. Like WHR said in his above post, we're all just humans stuck on this rock hurtling g through space. If you wouldn't be intimidated to go up and talk to a strange guy because he had something piquing your interest, then don't be afraid of do the same with a woman.


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## biglynch (Sep 13, 2014)

MsBrightside said:


> Lol. I didn't know there were any guys your age into middle-aged, married women, but I have to admit the thought is kinda tempting.


"Tempting" Duly noted

Now I have been working on lines for NYC. The best so far is " hello may I have some sex please"

Its catchy, I like it a lot.


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## LeoGibson (Sep 13, 2014)

biglynch said:


> "Tempting" Duly noted
> 
> Now I have been working on lines for NYC. The best so far is " hello may I have some sex please"
> 
> Its catchy, I like it a lot.



It is rather pithy and to the point!


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## ElectricLarryland (Sep 18, 2014)

Have you see E.T.? You dont have to use Recces Pieces, any candy will do, or ever cookies like Oreo's. Find the guy you like, smile right at him, then leave a trail of said candy like item starting right in front of him, all the way to your house.


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## tankyguy (Sep 18, 2014)

ElectricLarryland said:


> Have you see E.T.? You dont have to use Recces Pieces, any candy will do, or ever cookies like Oreo's. Find the guy you like, smile right at him, then leave a trail of said candy like item starting right in front of him, all the way to your house.



What, no box propped up with a stick and string attached?


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## ElectricLarryland (Sep 18, 2014)

I was thinking more like a kiddie pool filled with pudding, covered with some palm leaves right in front of the door.


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## Tad (Sep 22, 2014)

magodamilion said:


> I am an FFA in my early twenties and I've only had relationships with thin/muscular guys. Part of this is because I've only dated people who've approached me, meaning I've never been the one to start flirting with someone. I have no idea how to because as a woman I've never needed to or been expected to. The problem is that I'm most attracted to fat guys but none of them have ever approached me. I'm not fully sure why.
> So I need advice for how to approach guys. I can't shake the fear that I'm just going to creep them out. I don't really have great social skills in that area. The only place I'd really feel comfortable actively hitting on a guy is at a club or a bar but usually there aren't any fat guys there (aside from douchey looking ex-frat boy type fat guys). In an ordinary situation I think it would seem strange and uncalled for. I think it would be easier if I was a bit more attractive instead of average level attractive. It would make the likelihood of being shot down so much lower.



Responding very belatedly to the original post (not sure if she is still checking back here or not, but whatever).

Most of us are restricted by our pride. We don’t like to look foolish, we don’t want to risk things where the chance of failure are high, and we are especially averse to anything where we are apt to look foolish as we fail. Some people are good at going past this—we all know a few people who are like this in at least some circumstances (although a lot of people get nervous around people like that). But as a rule of thumb, most people most of the time won’t do things where their odds of looking foolish (or of being judged to be looking foolish to some onlookers) are high, and their odds of success are low.

If a random fat guy asks out a random woman, the odds of failure are high and the odds of looking foolish are also high. The more generally &#8216;desirable’ she is considered, the higher the odds are. “What—HE thinks that he is in HER league? Wow, he has no clue, does he? Doesn’t he realize what a disgusting lard-ass he is?” Of course, the same goes for any guy outside the most desired tranche of society; nerds, short guys, guys with visible disabilities, guys who are poor, and so on, they are all apt to be similarly cautious.

Of course, plenty of these guys end up dating women eventually, so what happens? Well, some get over their worry about shame. Some get good at reading signs. Some have women hit on them. Some get given very clear invitations by women. Some get to know a woman well, to the point where they are confident that it is pretty safe to ask her (that at the least, if she says &#8216;no’ it was reasonable enough that he won’t look foolish). Some ask out women who they feel are &#8216;in their league.’ Often there may be some combination of factors. (For what it is worth, I was a pudgy, four-eyed, nerd a the low end of average height. I’d known my wife through a club for a few weeks and she’d been giving me increasingly obvious signs that she would like me to ask her out, but I was still being cautious* when she just ended up putting her arm around my waist at a party and keeping it there for the rest of the evening.....and we’ve been together ever since).

What does that mean for you, if you want BHM to approach you?

First of all, stop wishing you were &#8216;more attractive.’ If anything it would probably scare them off more, in many cases! You are plenty attractive, I’m sure, and anyway the real key is always attitude. Being &#8216;more attractive’ would probably mostly get you more attention from the thin guys and jocks that you don’t really want to date, and maybe even more flak when you do date a big guy.

Second, be clear on what you want and don’t want, besides that he be big. Is him being tall important to you? Should he be strong, or do you prefer the more marshmallow type? Do you want a future lawyer, or someone who hang out with you and smoke weed with no plans for tomorrow? Can you stomach fans of professional wrestling? What about gamer nerds? Do you care about religion, cultural group, fluency in English? What is your rough age range? Etc. Because I’m guessing that you don’t crush on all fat guys to the same degree.

Then I strongly suggest figuring out places and times where you can mingle with more guys in that general demographic, some of whom will be fat. Become a familiar face, develop a history of being nice to fat guys, listening to them, being willing to be around them. Be kind and be polite, so that you are not looking like someone who would belittle someone for over-stepping their bounds. Then when you know a guy well enough to think that you two could connect pretty well, by then he should have that idea too, so you can give some signals, some hints, some open invitations (Talk about a new movie that you’d like to go see, a restaurant you’d like to try, ask for help with something….. even if he doesn’t bite the first time, you are building a pattern of suggesting you want to do stuff with him).

Yah, it might sound like a lot of work. Personally, I think relationships generally are a lot of work. Kind of like parenting, education, jobs, or most other things that matter to us in the long run.

* ETA to add: this might be worth noting too. She'd been giving very strong hints, but a sort-of-friend/colleague was clearly interested in her, so I was staying out of his way, giving him the first chance as it were. Why? Hard to describe exactly, but more or less he was taller and thinner, so presumably more attractive, so it would be silly to try and compete with him if he ended up being her type. Fortunately for me, he wasn't. But you may see this with a lot of guys who are not of the generally more desired demographic--a lack of belief that a woman really wants to be with them. If you don't really believe it, you aren't apt to take a lot of action on it. Yes, this makes it harder for FFA. Fortunately as people get older I think some of this tends to fade over time.


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## Treach (Sep 22, 2014)

Tad eloquently stated the opinion I share about this sort of thing. The tl;dr version is try not to be afraid to approach BHMs, most BHMs will enjoy positive female attention. And BHMs likely don't approach you for fear of being rejected, because it's hard out there for a plump.


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## Xyantha Reborn (Sep 22, 2014)

Having grown up with mostly male friends, the amount of "creep" ud have to get on would be pretty high. Like, even if you held up a sign that said "i like you! You are hot!!" They would look behind them to see who you are talking to! Or if you asked them for a drink, they would just think you were being nice.

I concur with what Tad said as well. Unfortunately "league" does matter. As angry as it makes me, my husband regularly asks how he managed to snare me (which i find ridiculous - i put down a cookie and then pounced). I dont think i am good looking but because he is heavier, i am aparently too "hot" for his friends (bull).

I always liked the "bold and no strings attached" approach. Go in, ask em out for dinner with a big smile. If they say yes, booyah! If no, just smile and say "no worries!" And cheerfully walk away. The creepy part is when you appear too nervous...it makes them nervous. And da big boys dont move fast so they spook easier 

If you think you are being obvious, you are acting normal. I love tads post, and to his point - sometimes the girl just has to go for broke and be like "yeah, ur mine now, k?" 

Besides...if you can get the courage up to ask him out, it will be good practice for when you ask to touch his belly!!


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## uno (Sep 28, 2014)

tankyguy said:


> We need a smartphone app that FFAs and BHM's can install. It would have a needle display and clicks like a Geiger counter.



Can we get this kickstarted?


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## GhostEater (Oct 14, 2014)

Being fat for most of your life, like myself, creates a poisonous attitude toward self esteem. I found out that bullies would leave me alone if I made fun of myself before they did. This appeared to other people as 'I don't care what you think of me' but the truth is that I cared so much that I cultivated a defense mechanism bordering on self hate. To this day I can't shut it off and my self deprecation is so ingrained in me that self confidence seems like a pipe dream. 

What I mean to say is, a fat guy can appear to be confident but they can actually convince themselves that they're defeated to begin with. Like, they're naturally defeated in a cosmic way. I never approach women unless it's for something entirely platonic because I'm absolutely sure right out of the gate that they're not interested. Why should I appear pathetic going out of my league? Why hurt myself like that? And when everyone's out of my league then what's the point? A number of unfortunate ex-girlfriends who confirmed they weren't attracted to me backs up this false idea to the point that I know it can be false and still automatically feel it. And if these attitudes can happen to me then they can happen to anyone else. 

So it may not seem romantic, but pursue him. He's already told himself you're not interested and you need to assure him otherwise.


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## magodamilion (Nov 4, 2014)

Haven't been on here in forever. I don't know what it is but something about this website seems to really attract pop up ads on my computer. 

Anyways thanks all for your advice.I found some of what you said pretty interesting especially what Tad said. I guess the consensus is that if you wanna get a fat guy to date you you're going to have to be the one to ask him out. Which kinda sucks but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Regarding the specific guy I mentioned, that definitely isn't going to go anywhere. The other day I saw him started talking to him and asked him if was doing anything right then if he wanted to go have coffee with me and catch up (very cliche I know) but he was busy. I should've asked for his umber right then but it didn't occur to me until after. Anyways I've seen him a few other times and overheard him talking to other people and honestly he seems like kind of a bitch. Also he's religious which is incompatible with me.And yes I've creeped on him enough to deduce all of this with some level of certainty. 

But you guys inspired me to try hitting on more fat guys in the future. So I was at a bar for my friends birthday and I started flirting with this guy. At first it was going well and he bought me a drink but then my friend came over to say a word to me and by the time she left he was gone. So I'm not sure what went wrong there. But I'll just keep trying until I find someone awesome and attracted to me I guess. I'm getting the sense that it'll take forever but ah well.


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## ouroboros (Feb 3, 2016)

I've noticed that sometimes when bhm would catch me checking them out, they'd look uncomfortable with it. I think that a lot of bhms assume that attention is negative, like when I was single and would flirt with bhms it would take a bit of time for them to realize what was happening.


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## dwesterny (Feb 3, 2016)

ouroboros said:


> I've noticed that sometimes when bhm would catch me checking them out, they'd look uncomfortable with it. I think that a lot of bhms assume that attention is negative, like when I was single and would flirt with bhms it would take a bit of time for them to realize what was happening.



When I saw a craigslist ad from an FFA (which was how I discovered they existed at all) I really thought it must be a scam. A good looking woman who only wants guys over 400 lbs? My first thought was that it was some kind of scam, blackmail or catfish as a joke. That seemed way more likely to me at the time than the idea that a conventionally good looking woman would want a fat guy. So, yes if I had been hit on I would have suspected shenanigans. Especially for SS fatties you expect nothing and because you expect no such thing is possible if something does happen you suspect it's fake. Too good to be true.

Kurt Vonnegut always manages to express ideas like this well:
People talk a lot about all the homosexuals there are to see in Greenwich Village, but it was all the neuters that caught my eye that day. These were my people -- as used as I was to wanting love from nowhere, as certain as I was that almost anything desirable was likely to be booby-trapped. 
&#8213; Kurt Vonnegut, Deadeye Dick


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## ouroboros (Feb 3, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> When I saw a craigslist ad from an FFA (which was how I discovered they existed at all) I really thought it must be a scam. A good looking woman who only wants guys over 400 lbs? My first thought was that it was some kind of scam, blackmail or catfish as a joke. That seemed way more likely to me at the time than the idea that a conventionally good looking woman would want a fat guy. So, yes if I had been hit on I would have suspected shenanigans. Especially for SS fatties you expect nothing and because you expect no such thing is possible if something does happen you suspect it's fake. Too good to be true.
> 
> Kurt Vonnegut always manages to express ideas like this well:
> People talk a lot about all the homosexuals there are to see in Greenwich Village, but it was all the neuters that caught my eye that day. These were my people -- as used as I was to wanting love from nowhere, as certain as I was that almost anything desirable was likely to be booby-trapped.
> &#8213; Kurt Vonnegut, Deadeye Dick


I didn't know people looked for those things on Craigslist. Honestly, on occasion I get mistaken for a catfish on sites like these. 
That quote is unbelievably true.


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## dwesterny (Feb 3, 2016)

ouroboros said:


> I didn't know people looked for those things on Craigslist. Honestly, on occasion I get mistaken for a catfish on sites like these.
> That quote is unbelievably true.



Well there was this one woman looking. She ended up being an FFA but I never went through with it, there were other issues that mad it seem like a bad idea. It did get me searching for other women like that which was how I found dims and feabie.


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## ouroboros (Feb 3, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> Well there was this one woman looking. She ended up being an FFA but I never went through with it, there were other issues that mad it seem like a bad idea. It did get me searching for other women like that which was how I found dims and feabie.


At least it opened you up to this wonderful world of ffas. Although just it being on Craigslist seems sketchy to begin with.


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## bigmac (Feb 3, 2016)

CL is a great place to look for a used car -- but I don't think I'd use it to find a date.

Mainstream dating sites (i.e. Match or POF) do indeed have a fair few large people on them. It takes a little more work for people in the BBW/FA and BHM/FFA world to find each other but it can be done.

When I was single I'd send a short note to prospective women, some of them would check out my profile, and a few of those would respond. Sad to say but it can be a numbers game. You'll also notice that its the women who have most of the power -- us guys can put ourselves out there -- but its the ladies who make most of the choices.


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## Tad (Feb 3, 2016)

ouroboros said:


> .
> That quote is unbelievably true.



That is what I was thinking. 

Apparently I need to read more Vonnegut.


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## Crumbling (Feb 3, 2016)

Tad said:


> Apparently I need to read more Vonnegut.



This is true for pretty much everyone.


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## missourifat (Feb 11, 2016)

Since most society doesn't appreciate the attraction to larger sizes, it is easier if they other person can approach them, where it can be a somewhat private conversation. That way you won't have to endure snickers or laughing from the thin people.


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## dwesterny (Feb 11, 2016)

missourifat said:


> That way you won't have to endure snickers



I was not informed there would be candy involved. Why was I not notified of this?


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## fat hiker (Feb 12, 2016)

gythaogg said:


> Things are awkward when you keep your focus internal, when you're thinking all about how awkward and weird this is, overanalysing silences, constantly worrying about the impression you create. You can flirt more effectively by externalising your focus, by getting curious about other people and thus being the person who keeps a conversation flowing by asking questions and remarking on connections or interesting things. You have, within you, the mighty power to move beyond awkwardness! http://succeedsocially.com/articlesconversation



So true, so well said. Keep the focus on them, not you, and the socialising comes much more easily. Especially if you find an interest in common - what did you have in common years ago, when he was smaller? And it need not be deep - a mutual interest in Starbucks coffee is still a mutual interest, enough for an excuse to get together.


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## Ninja Glutton (Feb 15, 2016)

I echo the sentiment about thinking that girls who are strictly into larger men are either catfishing or looking to wind you up.

It wasn't until much later in life that I discovered that there are some women who are genuinely attracted to larger men. Much of the time, it's not even the "size" in particular that draws them in. They're looking for the manly, bearded, hairy chest guys as that's what they see as masculine.

Ever since growing a beard, I've noticed the female attention spiking. Even at my heaviest, I was never opposed to approaching women. I think being fat actually makes it easier because the people who are disgusted by you are easily weeded out. It makes your pool of potential dates much more targeted.

I'd encourage any fat men out there to approach any woman who you'd like to get to know or at least talk to and take that first step. There's no telling where it could lead. If they treat you badly, then move on. Not every key fits every hole.


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## magodamilion (Feb 24, 2016)

Wow I see people have revived this post. 

Just an update on me from two years after I started this thread. I took everyone's advice and started asking out BHM's on my own. I've gotten loads of rejections or guys who will talk to me for a couple weeks before spontaneously ignoring all my messages.

It's been very opposite of everything the general culture says about fat guys. In my experience they're incredibly picking and impossible to get. I think at least thirty of them have turned me down at this point. 

I recently decided to go back to dating thin guys since there are so many of them and they're so much easier. I'm never really physically attracted to them, but I'm hoping I'll find one with a personality I get along with enough to find some degree of attraction. It's worked for other people before right? 

Anyways, I think it must at least be a sheer numbers issue, there are a lot less fat guys around than there are thin guys. Though I also think it must be more then that. The rate at which fat guys say no to me is so absurdly high there must be something else to it. I must be doing something wrong but I'm not sure what. I approach them the exact same way as I approach thin guys but the thin guys pretty much always say yes.


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## Ninja Glutton (Feb 25, 2016)

magodamilion said:


> Wow I see people have revived this post.
> 
> Just an update on me from two years after I started this thread. I took everyone's advice and started asking out BHM's on my own. I've gotten loads of rejections or guys who will talk to me for a couple weeks before spontaneously ignoring all my messages.
> 
> ...



Don't give up!

It is my experience that the ones we want the most come when we're least expecting it.


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## fat hiker (Feb 25, 2016)

magodamilion said:


> Wow I see people have revived this post.
> 
> Just an update on me from two years after I started this thread. I took everyone's advice and started asking out BHM's on my own. I've gotten loads of rejections or guys who will talk to me for a couple weeks before spontaneously ignoring all my messages.
> 
> ...




Do a lot of thin guys blow you off the way the fat guys did?

This is one of those times when it would be nice to be a 'fly on the wall', to watch and hear what you and he say and do, so as to be able to help you figure out what's going on when you meet/try to pick up a fat guy.


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## ouroboros (Feb 26, 2016)

fat hiker said:


> Do a lot of thin guys blow you off the way the fat guys did?
> 
> This is one of those times when it would be nice to be a 'fly on the wall', to watch and hear what you and he say and do, so as to be able to help you figure out what's going on when you meet/try to pick up a fat guy.


Honestly I feel the same way. I've never had any issues with dating/meeting fat guys.


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## dwesterny (Feb 26, 2016)

ouroboros said:


> Honestly I feel the same way. I've never had any issues with dating/meeting fat guys.



Yeah, yeah we fatties are a dime a dozen. I see how it is. Just be glad we don't sell by the pound.


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## bigmac (Feb 26, 2016)

magodamilion said:


> ... I must be doing something wrong but I'm not sure what. *I approach them the exact same way as I approach thin guys* but the thin guys pretty much always say yes.




Therein lies the problem. Fat guys (and fat women too) develop protection mechanisms to limit the chances of being hurt yet again. Personally, if a pretty thin woman approached me my first instinct would be to assume that she had some ulterior motive.

Getting approached by a pretty thin woman is something that just doesn't happen to fat guys. Its never happened to me. I've had fat women approach me but the only time I ever had a pretty thin woman approach me was during a period when I wasn't fat


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## Tad (Feb 26, 2016)

Hey Magodamilion, on the one hand presumably you care about more than the guy exceeding some minimum amount of adipose tissue, and on the other on these boards you have a pretty good resource in terms of both other FFA and a variety of fat guys (not to mention a few people who just hang out here 'cause their cool like that). So I'm thinking maybe you could get some more useful advice and support if you gave a little more information?

For sure there may be personal details that are not wise to share, but this is a place where you can actually be fairly open about what you are looking for in a guy and know that you will be safe in saying it. You like tall, strong, burly types? Fat frat boys? Guys who are really, really, fat? We've heard it all, and and think it is all good. Likewise types of relationship, guy's personality, the more you explain what you want (or you think you want, or that maybe you want but there could be more you aren't sure of but definitely not this other thing), the more we might understand.

And likewise about yourself. There are skinny FFA here who struggle to resist eating disorders, there are BBW-FFA here, there are FFA of more average size. There are students, there are women whose kids have finished their student years. There are guys who have been long married, and ones who have been actively dating recently. There are guys who are chubby and guys who are pretty darn big. There are people of from different countries, parts of the US, ethnic backgrounds, religious and cultural denominations, etc.

It is totally up to you, but the more that you are willing to share about your situation, the more useful the feedback is apt to be -- and the more chances you get of having that lovely feeling of 'hey, she is like me!'


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## ouroboros (Feb 27, 2016)

dwesterny said:


> Yeah, yeah we fatties are a dime a dozen. I see how it is. Just be glad we don't sell by the pound.



Haha fatties may be a dime a dozen, but its still hard to find a good person who's compatible.



bigmac said:


> Therein lies the problem. Fat guys (and fat women too) develop protection mechanisms to limit the chances of being hurt yet again. Personally, if a pretty thin woman approached me my first instinct would be to assume that she had some ulterior motive.
> 
> Getting approached by a pretty thin woman is something that just doesn't happen to fat guys. Its never happened to me. I've had fat women approach me but the only time I ever had a pretty thin woman approach me was during a period when I wasn't fat


Actually how didn't I pick up on this as well? Like I've noticed if a fat guy catches me checking him out, they often get uncomfortable. I guess I'm pretty, but I am thin. Normally when I approach them I make sure I come across as genuine as possible, you'd be surprised how much genuinely smiling and laughing can help.


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## Ayanna (Apr 16, 2016)

tankyguy said:


> It's easier for a FFA to identify and pick a BHM out from a crowd than the other way around.



Really? I find them so shy! If they would take my flirty looks seriously and come on over they would see that it's worth it! What's the most comfortable way for a slim woman to get a BHMs attention and amorous looks?


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## BigChaz (Apr 16, 2016)

Ayanna said:


> Really? I find them so shy! If they would take my flirty looks seriously and come on over they would see that it's worth it! What's the most comfortable way for a slim woman to get a BHMs attention and amorous looks?



Approach said BHM and introduce yourself. Unless you have landing strips and runway lights pointing right at you and a ground crew waving me in, I probably won't take your flirty looks seriously or even more likely, notice them at all.


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## Dr. Feelgood (Apr 16, 2016)

BigChaz said:


> Approach said BHM and introduce yourself. Unless you have landing strips and runway lights pointing right at you and a ground crew waving me in, I probably won't take your flirty looks seriously or even more likely, notice them at all.



It's not just you, Chaz: these are words of wisdom. Women seem to be much more aware of body language and subtexts in conversation than men are. The Great Male Dream is a gorgeous woman who approaches you and says, "Wanna fuck?" thereby relieving you of the frustration of trying to figure out what she herself wants (with the possibility of relieving you of additional frustrations later on ).


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## Ayanna (Apr 16, 2016)

BigChaz said:


> Approach said BHM and introduce yourself. Unless you have landing strips and runway lights pointing right at you and a ground crew waving me in, I probably won't take your flirty looks seriously or even more likely, notice them at all.



American men.....honey, the landing strips are out and waiting!


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## Ayanna (Apr 16, 2016)

Dr. Feelgood said:


> It's not just you, Chaz: these are words of wisdom. Women seem to be much more aware of body language and subtexts in conversation than men are. The Great Male Dream is a gorgeous woman who approaches you and says, "Wanna fuck?" thereby relieving you of the frustration of trying to figure out what she herself wants (with the possibility of relieving you of additional frustrations later on ).



Wanna fuck?


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## Ayanna (Apr 16, 2016)

Ninja Glutton said:


> Don't give up!
> 
> It is my experience that the ones we want the most come when we're least expecting it.



I am almost on the verge of going back to thin guys too. I get a lot of attention and approaches but when I lock onto a BHM its like no one else is in the room but they still either abruptly break off contact or ignore me totally. Come on guys, sexy women like us mean business! What are you afraid of?


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## rabbitislove (Apr 16, 2016)

magodamilion said:


> Wow I see people have revived this post.
> 
> Just an update on me from two years after I started this thread. I took everyone's advice and started asking out BHM's on my own. I've gotten loads of rejections or guys who will talk to me for a couple weeks before spontaneously ignoring all my messages.
> 
> ...



I dealt with this a lot in my 20s. People think if you're a tiny yoga esque girl who likes fat guys (and can quote Simpsons and Big Lebowski pretty well, you're in like Flynn. They couldnt be more wrong. I had my share of rejection, break-ups, and general relationship unpleasantness which I had to work through. I wouldnt internalize it. Their reaction to you doesnt define you. Its how they perceive the word, their hangups, preferences ect. 

And big ups to you for putting yourself out there. It isnt easy but life's too short not to put yourself out there.

Relationships and finding love are tough for all of us. Keep on hanging in.:wubu:


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## djudex (Apr 16, 2016)

I've said it before, I'll say it again; most fat guys are damaged goods in the self esteem zone. Most of them wouldn't believe their luck if a beautiful woman came up to them and started flirting and like the dog with a car bumper in his mouth they wouldn't know what to do with one once they had it. If you have self esteem issues around being overweight in a society that says 'beautiful people should be together' then you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for her to 'come to her senses' and drop you at the side of the road like a box of old clothes. It something that a guy has to come to terms with and grow out of through time and experience.

Be forthcoming but don't go balls-out, come on too strong and although the guy might love it at first since he knows for sure you like him it's likely that eventually he will start to see himself as the non-dominant personality in the scenario and most guys don't want that and that's when they turn all surly and five year old kid. I know, acting like a spurned child doesn't make sense when you are silently protesting being treated like the non-dominant in a relationship, remember the damaged goods thing? Yeah.

Add in the fact that guys in their 20's are generally idiots in the first place and fat guys have less social conditioning than most and you ladies have an uphill battle to fight after being lucky enough to find a fattie who isn't completely oblivious to the fact you like him. You all have a struggle I don't envy.

That being said it's pretty much like any other person dating; put yourself out there and get rejected time and again until the time you don't get rejected. Ostensibly the same rules apply, you just have a smaller (so to speak) pool of adequate candidates to work with.


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## bigmac (Apr 16, 2016)

Ayanna said:


> Wanna fuck?



Never had a girl actually say that -- but my cluelessness has precipitated the following:

-- At a night club in Queens a chubby girl comes up to me and says -- "I've been smiling at you all night when are you going to come over and talk to me"

-- At a bar near San Francisco a thin girl comes up to me and says "My (very fat) sister has been trying to get your attention for hours go buy her a drink."

-- At a McDonald's in my home town of Edmonton the skinny little girl behind the counter started yelling at me -- "why didn't you ask my sister out, she really liked you." Took me a moment to figure out who her sister was. Meanwhile the rest of the guys on my water main repair crew were laughing themselves silly. Then they wanted to know if the sister was as pretty as the girl behind the counter -- I said yes (but didn't disclose that she was about 280 pounds).

Bottom line -- some of us guys are totally oblivious to subtle signals and have to be hit over the head to get our attention.

Its also interesting to note that all the girls who were interested in me were fat. As a fat guy I've never had a thin girl express any romantic interest. If it weren't for fat women I'd probably still be a virgin.


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